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diff --git a/2643-h/2643-h.htm b/2643-h/2643-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c15b403 --- /dev/null +++ b/2643-h/2643-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5234 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot, M.D. + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The History of John Bull + +Author: John Arbuthnot + +Commentator: Henry Morley + +Release Date: December 22, 2008 [EBook #2643] +Last Updated: January 26, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By John Arbuthnot, M.D. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> AUTHOR'S PREFACE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that + the Lord Strutt intended to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis + Baboon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter + to Lord Strutt. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with + Lord Strutt about the premises, and were joined by the rest of the + tradesmen. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, + Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the + Lawsuit.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily + pleased with his success that he was going to leave off his trade and + turn Lawyer. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus + had an Intrigue with his Wife;* and what followed thereupon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure + Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the + good Advice that she gave him.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's + Bill.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved + to accept a Composition; and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers + for keeping him from it.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the + indispensable duty incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, + Infidelity, or Insufficiency of Husbands; </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, + the Devotos and the Hitts.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference + between Mrs. Bull and Don Diego.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased + Mrs. Bull's three daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; + wherein is briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also + John Bull's answer to the three guardians.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and + Letter to Mrs. Bull.* </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART"> <b>PART II.</b> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's + Mother.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister + Peg,* with the Quarrels that happened between Master and Miss in their + Childhood. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by + which he gained Peg's Heart. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John + and his sister Peg, and what return Peg made to John's message.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after + Peg was taken into the Family.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull + and his wife.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was + put to preserve the Manor of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to + keep off importunate duns.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the + conversation betwixt John Bull and his wife. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that + passed at the "Salutation" Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, + Esquire South, and Lewis </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and + imprisonment of Jack for suspicion of poisoning. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit + him in prison, and what advice they gave him. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the + persuasion of his friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in + the noose. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego + and John Bull. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the + "Salutation."* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog + settled their Accounts. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his + Family in an Uproar at Home.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit + John Bull, and what passed between them. * </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: + wherein he endeavours to vindicate all his conduct, with relation to + John Bull and the lawsuit. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between + Nic. Frog and Esquire South, which John Bull overheard.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep + John out of Ecclesdown Castle.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John + expressed when he got possession of Ecclesdown.* </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> POSTSCRIPT. </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. + </h2> + <p> + This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on the + English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and long nosed, + as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us as "ruddy and + plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an honest tradesman, + simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but when he takes his affairs + into his own hands, acting with good plain sense, knowing very well what + he wants done, and doing it. + </p> + <p> + The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four successive + groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory point of view, with + public affairs leading up to the Peace of Utrecht. The Peace urged and + made by the Tories was in these light papers recommended to the public. + The last touches in the parable refer to the beginning of the year 1713, + when the Duke of Ormond separated his troops from those of the Allies and + went to receive Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of cessation of arms. + After the withdrawal of the British troops, Prince Eugene was defeated by + Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses followed. The Peace of + Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March. + </p> + <p> + Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of view of + a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of the day + between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this topic a playful + account of another chief political event of the time—the negotiation + leading to the Act of Union between England and Scotland, which received + the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, 1707; John Bull then consented to + receive his "Sister Peg" into his house. The Church, of course, is John + Bull's mother; his first wife is a Whig Parliament, his second wife a Tory + Parliament, which first met in November, 1710. + </p> + <p> + This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts + entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord Strutt, + John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all they had in a + Law-suit." For Law put War—the War of the Spanish Succession; for + lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for verdicts, battles won; for + Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough the general; for law expenses, war + expenses; and for aim of the whole, to aid the Tory policy of peace with + France. A second part followed, entitled "John Bull in his Senses;" the + third part was called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and the fourth + part, "Lewis Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician." The four + parts were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here reprinted, and + published together as "The History of John Bull," with a few notes by the + author which sufficiently explain its drift. + </p> + <p> + The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope and + Swift, whom Pope addressed as + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Friend to my life, which did not you prolong, + The world had wanted many an idle song;" +</pre> + <p> + and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and his + humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen Arbuthnots in the + world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's Travels.'" + </p> + <p> + Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch Episcopal + clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His sons—all + trained in High Church principles—left Scotland to seek their + fortunes; John came to London and taught mathematics. He took his degree + of Doctor of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use for mathematics in + his studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the Royal Society; and being + by chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's husband was taken ill, prescribed for + him so successfully that he was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary, and + upon the occurrence of a vacancy in 1709 Physician in Ordinary, to the + Queen. Swift calls him her favourite physician. In 1710 he was admitted + Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's position + in 1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this "History of John + Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose policy he supported, + and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir Roger of the History. + </p> + <p> + After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power, Arbuthnot + lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and physician of all the + wits; himself without literary ambition, allowing friends to make what + alterations they pleased in pieces that he wrote, or his children to make + kites of them. A couple of years before his death he suffered deeply from + the loss of the elder of his two sons. He was himself afflicted then with + stone, and retired to Hampstead to die. "A recovery," he wrote to Swift, + "is in my case and in my age impossible; the kindest wish of my friends is + euthanasia." He died in 1735. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AUTHOR'S PREFACE. + </h2> + <p> + When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John Bull, he + expressed himself to this purpose:—"Sir Humphrey Polesworth,* I know + you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I have chosen you for this + important trust; speak the truth and spare not." That I might fulfil those + his honourable intentions, I obtained leave to repair to, and attend him + in his most secret retirements; and I put the journals of all transactions + into a strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, after the manner of + the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this I thought was the + safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be chopped** by my + master for telling of truth. It is from those journals that my memoirs are + compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand years hence look for + truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who are entirely ignorant of + the secret springs of great actions; if they do, let me tell them they + will be nebused.*** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his + conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book. + + ** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's. + + *** Another cant word, signifying deceived. +</pre> + <p> + With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several beauties of + the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper of Herodotus, the + gravity, austerity, and strict morals of Thucydides, the extensive + knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and grandeur of Titus Livius; and to + avoid the careless style of Polybius, I have borrowed considerable + ornaments from Dionysius Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The + specious gilding of Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, + and Fra. Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most worthy + of imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the infinite + obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John Bunyan, and the + "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall. + </p> + <p> + From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree of + perfection I might have brought this great work, had it not been nipped in + the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses of Parliament, who + envying the great figure I was to make in future ages, under pretence of + raising money for the war,* have padlocked all those very pens that were + to celebrate the actions of their heroes, by silencing at once the whole + university of Grub Street. I am persuaded that nothing but the prospect of + an approaching peace could have encouraged them to make so bold a step. + But suffer me, in the name of the rest of the matriculates of that famous + university, to ask them some plain questions: Do they think that peace + will bring along with it the golden age? Will there be never a dying + speech of a traitor? Are Cethegus and Catiline turned so tame, that there + will be no opportunity to cry about the streets, "A Dangerous Plot?" Will + peace bring such plenty that no gentleman will have occasion to go upon + the highway, or break into a house? I am sorry that the world should be so + much imposed upon by the dreams of a false prophet, as to imagine the + Millennium is at hand. O Grub Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering + geniuses! How do I lament thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated + by any who meant well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal + thy glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of + pampered apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of departing + lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, to record the + stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal scalade of needy + heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, describing the powerful + Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret caverns and grottoes of Vulcan + sweating at his forge, and stamping the queen's image on viler metals + which he retails for beef and pots of ale; or if thou wert content in + simple narrative, to relate the cruel acts of implacable revenge, or the + complaint of ravished virgins blushing to tell their adventures before the + listening crowd of city damsels, whilst in thy faithful history thou + intermingledst the gravest counsels and the purest morals. Nor less acute + and piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous descriptions of the works + of nature; whether in proper and emphatic terms thou didst paint the + blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous force of dreadful thunder and + earthquakes, and the unrelenting inundations. Sometimes, with Machiavelian + sagacity, thou unravelledst intrigues of state, and the traitorous + conspiracies of rebels, giving wise counsel to monarchs. How didst thou + move our terror and our pity with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch + and the heroes of the Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid + march up Holborn Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological + capacity, when thou gavest ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst + record the guilty pangs of Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of + John Overton's** painting and sculpture now languish? where rich + invention, proper expression, correct design, divine attitudes, and artful + contrast, heightened with the beauties of Clar. Obscur., embellished thy + celebrated pieces, to the delight and astonishment of the judicious + multitude! Adieu, persuasive eloquence! the quaint metaphor, the poignant + irony, the proper epithet, and the lively simile, are fled for ever! + Instead of these, we shall have, I know not what! The illiterate will tell + the rest with pleasure. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc. + + ** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers. +</pre> + <p> + I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of condolence to + my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching barbarity that is + likely to overspread all its regions by this oppressive and exorbitant + tax. It has been my good fortune to receive my education there; and so + long as I preserved some figure and rank amongst the learned of that + society, I scorned to take my degree either at Utrecht or Leyden, though I + was offered it gratis by the professors in those universities. + </p> + <p> + And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent a + history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the subject of + its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned of future times, + that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of France, and Philip his + grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, in conjunction with the + Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war against these two princes, + which lasted ten years, under the management of the Duke of Marlborough, + and was put to a conclusion by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry + of the Earl of Oxford, in the year 1713. + </p> + <p> + Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the personages + mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author would never own. + Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and curiosity, I have + printed at the bottom of the page the supposed allusions of the most + obscure parts of the story. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. + </h2> + <p> + I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our + neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the parson** + and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon his cousin Philip + Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin Esquire South. Some + stick not to say that the parson and the attorney forged a will; for which + they were well paid by the family of the Baboons. Let that be as it will, + it is matter of fact that the honour and estate have continued ever since + in the person of Philip Baboon. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Late King of Spain. + + ** Cardinal Portocarero. +</pre> + <p> + You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of a + very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with coal, + salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it has been the + misfortune of that family to be the property of their stewards, tradesmen, + and inferior servants, which has brought great incumbrances upon them; at + the same time, their not abating of their expensive way of living has + forced them to mortgage their best manors. It is credibly reported that + the butcher's and baker's bill of a Lord Strutt that lived two hundred + years ago are not yet paid. + </p> + <p> + When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's + estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon him + to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John Bull,** + the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told him that the + Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with draperyware for many + years; that they were honest and fair dealers; that their bills had never + been questioned; that the Lord Strutts lived generously, and never used to + dirty their fingers with pen, ink, and counters; that his lordship might + depend upon their honesty that they would use him as kindly as they had + done his predecessors. The young lord seemed to take all in good part, and + dismissed them with a deal of seeming content, assuring them he did not + intend to change any of the honourable maxims of his predecessors. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The first letters of congratulation from King William and + the States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the + crown of Spain. + + ** The English. + + *** The Dutch. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt intended + to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon. + </h2> + <p> + It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that this + young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, a false + loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack-of-all-Trades.* + Sometimes you would see him behind his counter selling broadcloth, + sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be dealing in merceryware. + High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace he understood to a nicety. + Charles Mather could not bubble a young beau better with a toy; nay, he + would descend even to the selling of tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. When + shop was shut up he would go about the neighbourhood and earn half-a-crown + by teaching the young men and maids to dance. By these methods he had + acquired immense riches, which he used to squander* away at back-sword, + quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great pleasure, and + challenged all the country. You will say it is no wonder if Bull and Frog + should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not impossible," says Frog to + Bull, "but this old rogue will take the management of the young lord's + business into his hands; besides, the rascal has good ware, and will serve + him as cheap as anybody. In that case, I leave you to judge what must + become of us and our families; we must starve, or turn journeyman to old + Lewis Baboon. Therefore, neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to + young Lord Strutt to know the bottom of this matter." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The character and trade of the French nation. + + ** The King's disposition to war. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt. + </h2> + <p> + My Lord,—I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs + have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out of + mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your lordship + intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis Baboon, this is to + inform your lordship that this proceeding does not suit with the + circumstances of our families, who have lived and made a good figure in + the world by the generosity of the Lord Strutts. Therefore we think fit to + acquaint your lordship that you must find sufficient security to us, our + heirs, and assigns that you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else we will + take our remedy at law, clap an action upon you of 20,000 pounds for old + debts, seize and distrain your goods and chattels, which, considering your + lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into difficulties, from which it + will not be easy to extricate yourself. Therefore we hope, when your + lordship has better considered on it, you will comply with the desire of + </p> + <p> + Your loving friends, + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL, NIC. FROG. + </p> + <p> + Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the young + lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible to express the + surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this letter. He was not + flush in ready either to go to law or clear old debts, neither could he + find good bail. He offered to bring matters to a friendly accommodation, + and promised, upon his word of honour, that he would not change his + drapers; but all to no purpose, for Bull and Frog saw clearly that old + Lewis would have the cheating of him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about the + premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen. + </h2> + <p> + All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers proved + vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured abroad that Lord + Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This coming to + Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, he found all his family in an + uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was very apt to be choleric. "You sot," + says she, "you loiter about alehouses and taverns, spend your time at + billiards, ninepins, or puppet-shows, or flaunt about the streets in your + new gilt chariot, never minding me nor your numerous family. Don't you + hear how Lord Strutt has bespoke his liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? + Don't you see how that old fox steals away your customers, and turns you + out of your business every day, and you sit like an idle drone, with your + hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up man, rouse thyself; I'll sell to my + shift before I'll be so used by that knave."* You must think Mrs. Bull had + been pretty well tuned up by Frog, who chimed in with her learned + harangue. No further delay now, but to counsel learned in the law they go, + who unanimously assured them both of justice and infallible success of + their lawsuit. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that + time. +</pre> + <p> + I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a + Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as well + as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an opportunity + of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull and Frog would + bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the chimney-sweeper of + Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in their claims, and the cause + was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, the attorney. + </p> + <p> + A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted right + by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there were several + old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had taken up the trade of + clothier and draper without serving his time or purchasing his freedom; + that he sold goods that were not marketable without the stamp; that he + himself was more fit for a bully than a tradesman, and went about through + all the country fairs challenging people to fight prizes, wrestling and + cudgel play, and abundance more to this purpose." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke + of Marlborough. +</pre> + <p> + For the better understanding the following history the reader ought to + know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow, + choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old Lewis + either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but then he was + very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if they pretended to + govern him. If you flattered him you might lead him like a child. John's + temper depended very much upon the air; his spirits rose and fell with the + weather-glass. John was quick and understood his business very well, but + no man alive was more careless in looking into his accounts, or more + cheated by partners, apprentices, and servants. This was occasioned by his + being a boon companion, loving his bottle and his diversion; for, to say + truth, no man kept a better house than John, nor spent his money more + generously. By plain and fair dealing John had acquired some plums, and + might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy lawsuit. + </p> + <p> + Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in many + particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would pinch his + belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by careless servants or + bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort of diversion, except tricks + of high German artists and legerdemain. No man exceeded Nic. in these; yet + it must be owned that Nic. was a fair dealer, and in that way acquired + immense riches. + </p> + <p> + Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first + considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself superior + in address to most of his profession. He kept always good clerks, he loved + money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and seldom lost his temper. He + was not worse than an infidel, for he provided plentifully for his family, + but he loved himself better than them all. The neighbours reported that he + was henpecked, which was impossible, by such a mild-spirited woman as his + wife was. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The success of the war. +</pre> + <p> + Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours + everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit would not + last above a year or two at most; that before that time he would be in + quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did Hocus steer his + cause through all the meanders of the law and all the courts. No skill, no + address was wanting, and, to say truth, John did not starve the cause; + there wanted not yellowboys to fee counsel, hire witnesses, and bribe + juries. Lord Strutt was generally cast, never had one verdict in his + favour, and John was promised that the next, and the next, would be the + final determination; but, alas! that final determination and happy + conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to it the + further it went from him. New trials upon new points still arose, new + doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers seldom part with so + good a cause till they have got the oyster and their clients the shell. + John's ready money, book debts, bonds, mortgages, all went into the + lawyers' pockets. Then John began to borrow money upon Bank Stock and East + India Bonds. Now and then a farm went to pot. At last it was thought a + good expedient to set up Esquire South's title to prove the will forged + and dispossess Philip Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a new field for + the lawyers, and the cause grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder + and madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's servants he tore off + their clothes. Now and then you would see them come home naked, without + shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis Baboon, he was reduced to + his last shift, though he had as many as any other. His children were + reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his servants in rags and + barefooted; instead of good victuals they now lived upon neck beef and + bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much by the matter but the men of + law. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success that + he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer. + </h2> + <p> + It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second + nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an honest + and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice, and + such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself as able a lawyer as + any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. He was overheard one day + talking to himself after this manner: "How capriciously does fate or + chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is that business allotted to a man + for which he is fitted by Nature. It is plain I was intended for a man of + law. How did my guardians mistake my genius in placing me, like a mean + slave, behind a counter? Bless me! what immense estates these fellows + raise by the law. Besides, it is the profession of a gentleman. What a + pleasure it is to be victorious in a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a + fool am I to drudge any more in this woollen trade. For a lawyer I was + born, and a lawyer I will be; one is never too old to learn."* All this + while John had conned over such a catalogue of hard words as were enough + to conjure up the devil; these he used to babble indifferently in all + companies, especially at coffee houses, so that his neighbour tradesmen + began to shun his company as a man that was cracked. Instead of the + affairs of Blackwell Hall and price of broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he + talks of nothing but actions upon the case, returns, capias, alias capias, + demurrers, venire facias, replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of + error, actions of trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and + dedimus. This was matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and + the rest of the tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he + had a great genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might + raise money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that if he + studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord Chief + Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours John despised + it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, poor grovelling + mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got one favourable verdict + than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As for Nic. Frog, to say the + truth, he was more prudent; for though he followed his lawsuit closely he + neglected not his ordinary business, but was both in court and in his shop + at the proper hours. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with his + Wife;* and what followed thereupon. + </h2> + <p> + John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an extravagant + wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was resolved to win over + to his side. It is a true saying, that the last man of the parish that + knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It was observed by all the + neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with John's wife that were not so + much for his honour; but this was perceived by John a little too late: she + was a luxurious jade, loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and balls, + differing very much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and by no + means fit for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what was + still more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that Hocus had + a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of fact, that upon + all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise of Hocus. When John + used to be finding fault with his bills, she used to reproach him as + ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that had taken so much pains in + his lawsuit, and retrieved his family from the oppression of old Lewis + Baboon. A good swinging sum of John's readiest cash went towards building + of Hocus's country house.** This affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was + now so open, that all the world was scandalised at it; John was not so + clod-pated, but at last he took the hint. The parson of the parish + preaching one day with more zeal than sense against adultery, Mrs. Bull + told her husband that he was a very uncivil fellow to use such coarse + language before people of condition;*** that Hocus was of the same mind, + and that they would join to have him turned out of his living for using + personal reflections. How do you mean, says John, by personal reflections? + I hope in God, wife, he did not reflect upon you? "No, thank God, my + reputation is too well established in the world to receive any hurt from + such a foul-mouthed scoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make + husbands tyrants, and wives slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left + to their liberty? Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a + Platonic to see a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; + nor walk in Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will + stand by it, that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony would + be a most intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to be the + result of her own reason, and not of her husband's government: for my + part, I would scorn a husband that would be jealous, if he saw a fellow + with me." All this while John's blood boiled in his veins: he was now + confirmed in all his suspicions; the hardest names, were the best words + that John gave her. Things went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull aimed + a knife at John, though John threw a bottle at her head very brutally + indeed: and after this there was nothing but confusion; bottles, glasses, + spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about like dust; the + result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise in her right side of + which she died half a year after. The bruise imposthumated, and afterwards + turned to a stinking ulcer, which made everybody shy to come near her, yet + she wanted not the help of many able physicians, who attended very + diligently, and did what men of skill could do; but all to no purpose, for + her condition was now quite desperate, all regular physicians and her + nearest relations having given her over.**** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with + the Parliament. + + ** Blenheim Palace. + + *** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the + House of Commons. + + **** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her ulcer.* + </h2> + <p> + There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will undertake; + nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's condition was + looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but there were those that + bragged they had an infallible ointment and plaister, which being applied + to the sore, would cure it in a few days; at the same time they would give + her a pill that would purge off all her bad humours, sweeten her blood, + and rectify her disturbed imagination. In spite of all applications the + patient grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody durst come within a + stone's throw of her, except those quacks who attended her close, and + apprehended no danger. If one asked them how Mrs. Bull did? Better and + better, said they; the parts heal, and her constitution mends: if she + submits to our government she will be abroad in a little time. Nay, it is + reported that they wrote to her friends in the country that she should + dance a jig next October in Westminster Hall, and that her illness had + been chiefly owing to bad physicians. At last, one of them was sent for in + great haste, his patient grew worse and worse: when he came, he affirmed + that it was a gross mistake, and that she was never in a fairer way. Bring + hither the salve, says he, and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. + As he was applying his ointments, and administering the cordial, the + patient gave up the ghost, to the great confusion of the quack, and the + great joy of Bull and his friends. The quack flung away out of the house + in great disorder, and swore there was foul play, for he was sure his + medicines were infallible. Mrs. Bull having died without any signs of + repentance or devotion, the clergy would hardly allow her a Christian + burial. The relations had once resolved to sue John for the murder, but + considering better of it, and that such a trial would rip up old sores, + and discover things not so much to the reputation of the deceased, they + dropped their design. She left no will, only there was found in her strong + box the following words written on a scrip of paper—"My curse on + John Bull, and all my posterity, if ever they come to any composition with + the Lord Strutt." + </p> + <p> + She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, and + Usuria.** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the + dissolution of that Parliament. + + ** War, faction, and usury. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she gave + him.* + </h2> + <p> + John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither his + constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to live in an + unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a cousin of his last + wife's was proposed, but John would have no more of the breed. In short, + he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a good family and a plentiful + fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that she loved + money, for she was saving, and applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous + debts, that the unfrugal method of his last wife, and this ruinous + lawsuit, had brought him into. One day, as she had got her husband in a + good humour, she talked to him after the following manner:—"My dear, + since I have been your wife, I have observed great abuses and disorders in + your family: your servants are mutinous and quarrelsome, and cheat you + most abominably; your cookmaid is in a combination with your butcher, + poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler purloins your liquor, and the + brewer sells you hogwash; your baker cheats both in weight and in tale; + even your milkwoman and your nursery-maid have a fellow feeling; your + tailor, instead of shreds, cabbages whole yards of cloth; besides, leaving + such long scores, and not going to market with ready money forces us to + take bad ware of the tradesmen at their own price. You have not posted + your books these ten years. How is it possible for a man of business to + keep his affairs even in the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be + honest; would to God you would look over his bills, and see how matters + stand between Frog and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and + more must be borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. + Besides, my dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project of + leaving your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, Nature + never designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, that they may + pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by + your cause; to be sure they will never make an end of it. I foresee this + haunt you have got about the courts will one day or another bring your + family to beggary. Consider, my dear, how indecent it is to abandon your + shop and follow pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that there + is hardly a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre upon a + common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor." John + heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his maggot, and + touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into a violent passion: + "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, my clod-pated relations + spoiled the greatest genius in the world when they bred me a mechanic. + Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandsire, have found to their cost + that I can manage a lawsuit as well as another." "I don't deny what you + say," replied Mrs. Bull, "nor do I call in question your parts; but, I + say, it does not suit with your circumstances; you and your predecessors + have lived in good reputation among your neighbours by this same + clothing-trade, and it were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are + few that know all the tricks and cheats of these lawyers. Does not your + own experience teach you how they have drawn you on from one term to + another, and how you have danced the round of all the courts, still + flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I can see, your cause is + not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago." "I will be hanged," says + John, "if I accept of any composition from Strutt or his grandfather; I'll + rather wheel about the streets an engine to grind knives and scissors. + However, I'll take your advice, and look over my accounts." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A new Parliament: the aversion of a Tory House of Commons + to war. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Looking over the accounts. +</pre> + <p> + When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the family was + unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they would have + measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. Fees to judges, puny + judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, chirographers, under-clerks, + proclamators, counsel, witnesses, jurymen, marshals, tipstaffs, criers, + porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, + caveats, examinations, filings of words, entries, declarations, + replications, recordats, nolle prosequies, certioraries, mittimuses, + demurrers, special verdicts, informations, scire facias, supersedeas, + habeas corpus, coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc. "Verily," says + John, "there are a prodigious number of learned words in this law; what a + pretty science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have paid for every syllable + and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what immense sums are at the + bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks in looking over his + bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts, he discovered that, + besides the extravagance of every article, he had been egregiously + cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were never fee'd, for writs + that were never drawn, for dinners that were never dressed, and journeys + that were never made; in short, that the tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had + agreed to throw the burden of the lawsuit upon his shoulders. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a Composition; + and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for keeping him from it.* + </h2> + <p> + Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit for + life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a hungry belly + before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. John's cause was a + good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his family out of it. However, + John began to think it high time to look about him. He had a cousin in the + country, one Sir Roger Bold, whose predecessors had been bred up to the + law, and knew as much of it as anybody; but having left off the profession + for some time, they took great pleasure in compounding lawsuits among + their neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the gentlemen of the + long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. John put + his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make the best of it. The + news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers, but they were all in + an uproar. They brought all the rest of the tradesmen upon John.** Squire + South swore he was betrayed, that he would starve before he compounded; + Frog said he was highly wronged; even lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and + Tom the dustman complained that their interest was sacrificed; the + lawyers, solicitors, Hocus and his clerks, were all up in arms at the news + of the composition: they abused him and his wife most shamefully. "You + silly, awkward, ill-bred country sow," quoth one, "have you no more + manners than to rail at Hocus that has saved that clod-pated numskulled + ninny-hammer of yours from ruin, and all his family? It is well known how + he has rose early and sat up late to make him easy, when he was sotting at + every alehouse in town. I knew his last wife: she was a woman of breeding, + good humour, and complaisance—knew how to live in the world. As for + you, you look like a puppet moved by clockwork; your clothes hang upon you + as they were upon tenter-hooks; and you come into a room as you were going + to steal away a pint pot. Get you gone in the country, to look after your + mother's poultry, to milk the cows, churn the butter, and dress up + nosegays for a holiday, and not meddle with matters which you know no more + of than the sign-post before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an + established reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all his + life; he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, liberal + to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not your money + more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused. Once for + all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out these + saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face look as raw as + an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, that there are + pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away they flung, leaving Mrs. + Bull no time to reply. No stone was left unturned to frighten John from + his composition. Sometimes they spread reports at coffee-houses that John + and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up house, and make + over all their estate to Lewis Baboon; that John had been often heard + talking to himself, and seen in the streets without shoes or stockings; + that he did nothing from morning till night but beat his servants, after + having been the best master alive. As for his wife, she was a mere + natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole regiment of + attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and other small + retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and dirt at himself + as he went along the street. When John complained of want of ready-money + to carry on his suit, they advised him to pawn his plate and jewels, and + that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen and wearing clothes. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it. + + ** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace. + + *** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who + know nothing of business. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty incumbent + upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or Insufficiency of + Husbands; + </h2> + <p> + being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon against Adultery.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's + trial. +</pre> + <p> + John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of his + deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his cabinet, he + found the following paper:— + </p> + <p> + "It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract, + whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature in + favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all her + posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the contract is + broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. Where there is a right + there must be a power to maintain it and to punish the offending party. + This power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that + indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the cases above mentioned. No + wife is bound by any law to which herself has not consented. All + economical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the + executive part being in the husband; both have their privileges secured to + them by law and reason; but will any man infer from the husband being + invested with the executive power, that the wife is deprived of her share, + and that she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or an appeal to a + supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the arrangements that + are drawn from the general appellations and terms of husband and wife. A + husband denotes several different sorts of magistracy, according to the + usages and customs of different climates and countries. In some eastern + nations it signifies a tyrant, with the absolute power of life and death. + In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary governor, with power of perpetual + imprisonment; in Italy it gives the husband the power of poison and + padlocks; in the countries of England, France, and Holland, it has a quite + different meaning, implying a free and equal government, securing to the + wife in certain cases the liberty of change, and the property of pin-money + and separate maintenance. So that the arguments drawn from the terms of + husband and wife are fallacious, and by no means fit to support a + tyrannical doctrine, as that of absolute unlimited chastity and conjugal + fidelity. + </p> + <p> + "The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for rules in + ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions of ability, + justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited, unconditioned + fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by reasonable men. It seems a + reflection upon the Church to charge her with doctrines that countenance + oppression. + </p> + <p> + "This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the law of + Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I dare appeal to + all wives: It is much to the honour of our English wives that they have + never given up that fundamental point, and that though in former ages they + were muffled up in darkness and superstition, yet that notion seemed + engraven on their minds, and the impression so strong that nothing could + impair it. + </p> + <p> + "To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, were to + cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the necessary means + of perpetuating families—such laws can never be supposed to have + been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. I call them necessary + means, for in many cases what other means are left? Such a doctrine wounds + the honour of families, unsettles the titles to kingdoms, honours, and + estates; for if the actions from which such settlements spring were + illegal, all that is built upon them must be so too; but the last is + absurd, therefore the first must be so likewise. What is the cause that + Europe groans at present under the heavy load of a cruel and expensive + war, but the tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the scrupulous + nicety of a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable duty, whereby + the kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted succession might + have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow maxims of your + clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of it.' + </p> + <p> + "The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of matrimony, + do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married women; for if the + true legal foundation of the married state be once sapped, and instead + thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must follow but elopements + instead of secret and peaceable change? + </p> + <p> + "From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity of + the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, ungifted, + unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of the matrimonial + state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is founded upon the wife's + belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity to the husband;' by which + bold assertion he strikes at the root, digs the foundation, and removes + the basis upon which the happiness of a married state is built. As for his + personal reflections, I would gladly know who are those 'wanton wives' he + speaks of? who are those ladies of high stations that he so boldly + traduces in his sermon? It is pretty plain who these aspersions are aimed + at, for which he deserves the pillory, or something worse. + </p> + <p> + "In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of change, I + could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, who by these + means have preserved their husband's families from ruin and oblivion by + want of posterity; but what has been said is a sufficient ground for + punishing this pragmatical parson." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the Hitts.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *Those who were for and against the doctrine of + nonresistance. +</pre> + <p> + The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused by + all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign papers + signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. Bull's wicked + doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some yielded, others refused + to part with their native liberty, which gave rise to two great parties + amongst the wives, the Devotos and the Hitts. Though, it must be owned, + the distinction was more nominal than real; for the Devotos would abuse + freedoms sometimes, and those who were distinguished by the name of Hitts + were often very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious treatise + came out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which they are + counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the doctrine of + unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due watchfulness over the + manners of their wives; that the greatest security to husbands was a good + usage of their wives and keeping them from temptation, many husbands + having been sufferers by their trusting too much to general professions, + as was exemplified in the case of a foolish and negligent husband, who, + trusting to the efficacy of this principle, was undone by his wife's + elopement from him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don Diego.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of + Commons, endeavoured to stop the Treaty. +</pre> + <p> + The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent Don + Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend to John, + his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to have some + influence over her. He had been ill used himself by John's lawyers, but + because of some animosity to Sir Roger was against the composition. The + conference between him and Mrs. Bull was word for word as follows:— + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the + honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word with + three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world—Esquires + South, Frog, and Hocus—that have sacrificed their interests to + yours? It is base to take advantage of their simplicity and credulity, and + leave them in the lurch at last. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL—I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we + have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words for + sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband took him in, a + dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants to attend him.* The + rogue did bawl and make such a noise: sometimes he fell in the fire and + burnt his face, sometimes broke his shins clambering over the benches, and + always came in so dirty, as if he had been dragged through the kennel at a + boarding-school. He lost his money at chuck-farthing, shuffle-cap, and + all-fours; sold his books, pawned his linen, which we were always forced + to redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in love with bagpipes + and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has paid at the + pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts, custards, and + sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him as a gentleman of a + good family that had fallen into decay, gave him good education, and has + settled him in a good creditable way of living—having procured him, + by his interest, one of the best places of the country. And what return, + think you, does this fine gentleman make us? he will hardly give me or my + husband a good word, or a civil expression. Instead of Sir and Madam + (which, though I say it, is our due), he calls us "goody" and "gaffer" + such-a-one; says he did us a great deal of honour to board with us; huffs + and dings at such a rate, because we will not spend the little we have + left to get him the title and estate of Lord Strutt; and then forsooth, we + shall have the honour to be his woollen-drapers.** Besides, Esquire South + will be Esquire South still; fickle, proud, and ungrateful. If he behaves + himself so when he depends on us for his daily bread, can any man say what + he will do when he is got above the world? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Something relating to the manners of a great prince, + superstition, love of operas, shows, etc. + + ** Something relating to forms and titles. +</pre> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an + undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, and + trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns + honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I wish + every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's money shines as + bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I don't know any other hold + that we tradesmen have of these great folks but their interest: buy dear + and sell cheap, and I warrant ye you will keep your customer. The worst + is, that Lord Strutt's servants have got such a haunt about that old + rogue's shop, that it will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to bring + them back again; and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder it will + be to get them out of it. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if + there be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been + obliged to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high now, + but he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever since the + commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of Hocus, in + sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," says he, "is in hard + circumstances, he has a numerous family, and lives from hand to mouth; his + children don't eat a bit of good victuals from one year's end to the + other, but live upon salt herring, sour curd, and borecole. He does his + utmost, poor fellow, to keep things even in the world, and has exerted + himself beyond his ability in this lawsuit; but he really has not + wherewithal to go on. What signifies this hundred pounds? place it upon + your side of the account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a trifle to + you." This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure he has had + obligations enough to us to have acted another part. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden + of the war. +</pre> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a + tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard circumstances. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL—Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the last + degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have mortgaged, Frog has + purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, warehouse, and a country + hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of it, he is now grown a very rich + country gentleman, with a noble landed estate, noble palaces, manors, + parks, gardens, and farms, finer than any we were ever master of.* Is it + not strange, when my husband disbursed great sums every term, Frog should + be purchasing some new farm or manor? so that if this lawsuit lasts, he + will be far the richest man in his country. What is worse than all this, + he steals away my customers every day; twelve of the richest and the best + have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom, to my certain knowledge, he + has under bonds never to return again: judge you if this be neighbourly + dealing. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders. +</pre> + <p> + D. DIEGO—Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very + honest: you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure there must + be some mistake in this. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL—A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of + it, how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for five + years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he never went one + night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the strangest deed that ever + you saw in your life. The methods they took to manage him I'll tell you + another time; at present I'll read only the writing. + </p> + <p> + Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS FROG, + Linen-draper.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their + representation of the Barrier Treaty. +</pre> + <p> + I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and friendship + between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly engage and promise + to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither his wife, children, nor + servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, or molestation whatsoever, + but to oblige them all to do their duty quietly in their respective + stations. And whereas the said John Bull, from the assured confidence that + he has in my friendship, has appointed me executor of his last will and + testament, and guardian to his children, I do undertake for me, my heirs + and assigns, to see the same duly executed and performed, and that it + shall be unalterable in all its parts by John Bull, or anybody else: for + that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable for me to enter his house at + any hour of the day or night, to break open bars, bolts, and doors, chests + of drawers, and strong boxes, in order to secure the peace of my friend + John Bull's family, and to see his will duly executed. + </p> + <p> + II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas Frog, in + that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, I, John Bull, + having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, at this time lives + in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested with fogs and damps, + destructive of the health of himself, wife, and children, do bind and + oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase for the said Nicholas Frog, + with the best and readiest of my cash, bonds, mortgages, goods and + chattels, a landed estate, with parks, gardens, palaces, rivers, fields, + and outlets, consisting of as large extent as the said Nicholas Frog shall + think fit. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed in too + close by the grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of defence, I, + the said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my cash, to + purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and acres as the + said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said Nicholas may + have free egress and regress, without let or molestation, suitable to the + demands of himself and family. + </p> + <p> + III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the country + neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly rents, to pay + for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the intent that his good + friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all charges. + </p> + <p> + IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the deceased Lord + Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and immunities, formerly in + the possession of the said John Bull, I, the said John Bull, do freely by + these presents, renounce, quit, and make over to the said Nicholas, the + liberties, privileges, and immunities contracted for, in as full a manner, + as if they never had belonged to me. + </p> + <p> + V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not to sell + one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the neighbourhood + of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and such rates as the said + Nicholas shall think fit. + </p> + <p> + Signed and sealed, + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL, NIC. FROG. + </p> + <p> + The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she fell + downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good quantity of + the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO—Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your + circumstances at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable + contract. You see Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his bargain; + he scorns to hearken to any composition without your privacy. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—You know the contrary.* Read that letter. + </p> + <p> + [Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble Science + of Defence. + </p> + <p> + "SIR.—I understand that you are at this time treating with my friend + John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and besides allowing + him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I wonder how you that are + a man that knows the world, can talk with that simple fellow. He has been + my bubble these twenty years, and to my certain knowledge, understands no + more of his own affairs than a child in swaddling clothes. I know he has + got a sort of a pragmatical silly jade of a wife, that pretends to take + him out of my hands; but you and she both will find yourselves mistaken; + I'll find those that shall manage her; and for him, he dares as well be + hanged as make one step in his affairs without my consent. If you will + give me what you promised him, I will make all things easy, and stop the + deeds of ejectment against Lord Strutt: if you will not, take what + follows. I shall have a good action against you, for pretending to rob me + of my bubble. Take this warning from + </p> + <p> + "Your loving friend, + </p> + <p> + "NIC. FROG." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time. +</pre> + <p> + I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken to + manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag yourself, + rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll teach them and you + too to manage. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this letter + is some forgery; it never entered into the head of that honest man, Nic. + Frog, to do any such thing. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty + years at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and + pickpockets, and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the world. + What is the meaning of all this? + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in your + affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have + employed Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him trusty + and honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a farthing of me. I + have abundance that profess great zeal, but they are damnable greedy of + the pence. My husband and I are now in such circumstances, that we must be + served upon cheaper terms than we have been. + </p> + <p> + D. DIEGO.—Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am sorry + that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three daughters + came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is briefly treated + the characters of the three daughters. Also John Bull's answer to the + three guardians.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the + war, etc. Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons + against continuing the war for setting King Charles upon the + throne of Spain. +</pre> + <p> + I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed this + life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here repeat their + names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous reflections upon young + ladies, whose reputations ought to be very tenderly handled; but the + characters of these were so well known in the neighbourhood, that it is + doing them no injury to make a short description of them. + </p> + <p> + The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate wench, + as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, pinch the + children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the dogs; she would + rob her father's strong box, for money to give the young fellows that she + was fond of. She had a noble air, and something great in her mien, but + such a noisome infectious breath, as threw all the servants that dressed + her into consumptions; if she smelt to the freshest nosegay, it would + shrivel and wither as it had been blighted: she used to come home in her + cups, and break the china, and the looking-glasses; and was of such an + irregular temper, and so entirely given up to her passion, that you might + argue as well with the North wind, as with her ladyship: so expensive, + that the income of three dukedoms was not enough to supply her + extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be his own, got upon + the body of Mrs. Bull. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Polemia. +</pre> + <p> + The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish, + froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, lean, + haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched backed; but + active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her ill complexion was + occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** morning, noon, and night. + She never rested quietly a-bed, but used to disturb the whole family with + shrieking out in her dreams, and plague them next day with interpreting + them, for she took them all for gospel; she would cry out "Murder!" and + disturb the whole neighbourhood; and when John came running downstairs to + inquire what the matter was, nothing forsooth, only her maid had stuck a + pin wrong in her gown; she turned away one servant for putting too much + oil in her salad, and another for putting too little salt in her + water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured her esteem, she would + indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had two coachmen; when one was + in the coach-box, if the coach swung but the least to one side, she used + to shriek so loud, that all the street concluded she was overturned; but + though the other was eternally drunk, and had overturned the whole family, + she was very angry with her father for turning him away. Then she used to + carry tales and stories from one to another, till she had set the whole + neighbourhood together by the ears; and this was the only diversion she + took pleasure in. She never went abroad, but she brought home such a + bundle of monstrous lies, as would have amazed any mortal, but such as + know her: of a whale that had swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions + being let out of the Tower, to destroy the Protestant religion; of the + Pope's being seen in a brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man + that was going to shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three millions + of five pound pieces that Squire South had found under an old wall; of + blazing stars, flying dragons, and abundance of such stuff. All the + servants in the family made high court to her, for she domineered there, + and turned out and in whom she pleased; only there was an old grudge + between her and Sir Roger, whom she mortally hated and used to hire + fellows to squirt kennel water upon him as he passed along the streets; so + that he was forced constantly to wear a surtout of oiled cloth, by which + means he came home pretty clean, except where the surtout was a little + scanty. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Discordia. + + ** Coffee-house tattle. +</pre> + <p> + As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had no + respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according as they + paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world to go to an + ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her profession she had + amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: she had above five hundred + suits of fine clothes, and yet went abroad like a cinder wench. She robbed + and starved all the servants, so that nobody could live near her. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Usuria. +</pre> + <p> + So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities to be + fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame their relations + for taking care of them, and therefore it was that Hocus, with two other + of the guardians, thought it their duty to take care of the interest of + the three girls and give John their best advice before he compounded the + lawsuit. + </p> + <p> + HOCUS.—What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's nobody + loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your affairs. As I + hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I would crawl upon all + fours to serve you; I have spent my health and paternal estate in your + service. I have, indeed, a small pittance left, with which I might retire, + and with as good a conscience as any man; but the thoughts of this + disgraceful composition so touches me to the quick that I cannot sleep. + After I had brought the cause to the last stroke, that one verdict more + had quite ruined old Lewis and Lord Strutt, and put you in the quiet + possession of everything—then to compound! I cannot bear it. This + cause was my favourite; I had set my heart upon it; it is like an only + child; I cannot endure it should miscarry. For God's sake consider only to + what a dismal condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of all his + cash; his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an end of all + their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily bread now upon + trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant you before the next + we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to the pillory; his ears + shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of God don't compound. Let me be + damned if you have a friend in the world that loves you better than I. + There is nobody can say I am covetous or that I have any interests to + pursue but yours. + </p> + <p> + SECOND GUARDIAN.—There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a + design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he has + such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if there is not + some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will monopolise everything; + nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery or mercery ware but himself. + I then hold it advisable that you continue the lawsuit and burst him at + once. My concern for the three poor motherless children obliges me to give + you this advice; for their estates, poor girls, depend upon the success of + this cause. + </p> + <p> + THIRD GUARDIAN.—I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but then + consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price of all you + have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he has any other + security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of Lord Strutt. The only + question, then, that remains to be decided is: who shall stand the + expenses of the suit? To which the answer is as plain: who but he that is + to have the advantage of the sentence? When Esquire South has got + possession of his title and honour is not John Bull to be his clothier? + Who, then, but John ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent + gentleman, Who ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily + answer, His tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death with + it, that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet possession of + his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have begun it complete + the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you are now in, what + must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds for the poor girls. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to + tell you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls than + for me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the first place. As + for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my lawsuit with great + address and much to my honour, and, though I say it, you have been well + paid for it. Why must the burden be taken off Frog's back and laid upon my + shoulders? He can drive about his own parks and fields in his gilt + chariot, when I have been forced to mortgage my estate; his note will go + farther than my bond. Is it not matter of fact, that from the richest + tradesman in all the country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from + scriveners and usurers that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me, and + what is all this for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than mine? + Was not I your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you nobly? + Have I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred yards at a + time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the tradesmen be + not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on with their own + business, and what is more their concern than mine? As to holding out this + term I appeal to your own conscience, has not that been your constant + discourse these six years, "One term more and old Lewis goes to pot?" If + thou art so fond of my cause be generous for once, and lend me a brace of + thousands. Ah, Hocus! Hocus! I know thee: not a sous to save me from jail, + I trow. Look ye, gentlemen, I have lived with credit in the world, and it + grieves my heart never to stir out of my doors but to be pulled by the + sleeve by some rascally dun or other. "Sir, remember my bill. There's a + small concern of a thousand pounds; I hope you think on't, sir." And to + have these usurers transact my debts at coffee-houses and ale-houses, as + if I were going to break up shop. Lord! that ever the rich, the generous + John Bull, clothier, the envy of all his neighbours, should be brought to + compound his debts for five shillings in the pound, and to have his name + in an advertisement for a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me + mad. I have read somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult + with a woman touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant + concerning exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an unmerciful + man, of kindness, etc." I could have added one thing more: nor with an + attorney about compounding a lawsuit. The ejectment of Lord Strutt will + never do. The evidence is crimp: the witnesses swear backwards and + forwards, and contradict themselves; and his tenants stick by him. One + tells me that I must carry on my suit, because Lewis is poor; another, + because he is still too rich: whom shall I believe? I am sure of one + thing, that a penny in the purse is the best friend John can have at last, + and who can say that this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? + Besides, if this ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when + Esquire South is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about + the country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with + hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in a + lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And when the + cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project for want of money + to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is but a plain man, but + John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know the infirmity of our family: + we are apt to play the boon-companion and throw away our money in our + cups. But it was an unfair thing in you, gentlemen, to take advantage of + my weakness, to keep a parcel of roaring bullies about me day and night, + with huzzas and hunting horns, and ringing the changes on butcher's + cleavers; never let me cool, and make me set my hand to papers when I + could hardly hold my pen. There will come a day of reckoning for all that + proceeding. In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my + affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me the small remainder of + a very great estate. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria, + Prince Eugene's journey and message. +</pre> + <p> + The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had hitherto + proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be persuaded to bear the + expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They thought it reasonable that, since + he was to have the honour and advantage, he should bear the greatest share + of the charges, and retrench what he lost to sharpers and spent upon + country dances and puppet plays to apply it to that use. This was not very + grateful to the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment, he was + resolved to send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to Mrs. Bull + to try what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato had all the + qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a lady's heart, and + if any person in the world could have persuaded her it was he. But such + was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the constant purpose of her + mind to pursue his interest, that the most refined arts of gallantry that + were practised could not seduce her heart. The necklaces, diamond crosses, + and rich bracelets that were offered she rejected with the utmost scorn + and disdain. The music and serenades that were given her sounded more + ungratefully in her ears than the noise of a screech owl. However, she + received Esquire South's letter by the hands of Signior Benenato with that + respect which became his quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in + which you will observe he changes a little his usual style:— + </p> + <p> + MADAM,—The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord + Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms and a + verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my honour and + estate. I question not but that, according to your wonted generosity and + goodness, you will give it the finishing stroke: an honour that I would + grudge anybody but yourself. In order to ease you of some part of the + charges, I promise to furnish pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay for + the stamps. Besides, I have ordered my stewards to pay out of the readiest + and best of my rents five pounds ten shillings a year till my suit is + finished. I wish you health and happiness, being with due respect, + </p> + <p> + Madam, your assured friend, + </p> + <p> + SOUTH. + </p> + <p> + What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in my second + part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their proposals; for as + Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of pen, ink, and paper, + Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her barge* to carry his counsel to + Westminster Hall. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to + Barcelona. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART" id="link2H_PART"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART II. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. + </h2> + <p> + The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for his + ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet there is just + cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it only by parcels, and + won't give us the whole work. This forces me, who am only the publisher, + to bespeak the assistance of his friends and acquaintance to engage him to + lay aside that stingey humour and gratify the curiosity of the public at + once. He pleads in excuse that they are only private memoirs, wrote for + his own use in a loose style to serve as a help to his ordinary + conversation. I represented to him the good reception the first part had + met with; that, though calculated only for the meridian of Grub Street, it + was yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the world was now + sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested itself in his + concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed, some trifling + things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and domestic + affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave to make use of + them, because they would serve to make the history of the lawsuit more + intelligible. When I had looked over the manuscript I found likewise some + further account of the composition, which, perhaps, may not be + unacceptable to such as have read the former part. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Church of England. +</pre> + <p> + John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet, grave, + sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever lived. She was + none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding jades that one had as good + be hanged as live in the house with, such as are always censuring the + conduct and telling scandalous stories of their neighbours, extolling + their own good qualities and undervaluing those of others. On the + contrary, she was of a meek spirit, and, as she was strictly virtuous + herself, so she always put the best construction upon the words and + actions of her neighbours, except where they were irreconcileable to the + rules of honesty and decency. She was neither one of your precise prudes, + nor one of your fantastical old belles that dress themselves like girls of + fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff, forehead-cloth, nor high-crowned hat, + so she had laid aside feathers, flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her + head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch + and paint, yet she loved to keep her hands and her face clean. Though she + wore no flaunting laced ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant + sweat with greasy flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she + was not ashamed of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung + about with toys and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and + essence-bottles; she used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark the + hours and the holy days. + </p> + <p> + Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. As she + affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she thought there was + no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside your carving, gilding, + and Japan work as being too apt to gather dirt. But she never could be + prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings. There are + some ladies that affect to smell a stink in everything; they are always + highly perfumed, and continually burning frankincense in their rooms. She + was above such affectation, yet she never would lay aside the use of + brooms and scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay her linen in fresh + lavender. + </p> + <p> + She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without affectation; + in the due mean between one of your affected, curtseying pieces of + formality and your romps that have no regard to the common rules of + civility. There are some ladies that affect a mighty regard for their + relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Tom, or my cousin Betty, + died this time ten years. Let's have a ball to-night, it is my neighbour + Such-a-one's birthday." She looked upon all this as grimace, yet she + constantly observed her husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and some few + more. + </p> + <p> + Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love for her + son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a + misunderstanding between them, and they had so far prevailed with him once + that he turned her out of doors, to his great sorrow, as he found + afterwards, for his affairs went on at sixes and sevens. + </p> + <p> + She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice of + her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes that hate + the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear hers, and she + would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner reclaim than some that + were more sour and reserved. She was a zealous preacher up of conjugal + fidelity in wives, and by no means a friend to the new-fangled doctrine of + the indispensable duty of change. Though she advanced her opinions with a + becoming assurance, yet she never ushered them in as some positive + creatures will do, with dogmatical assertions. "This is infallible; I + cannot be mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has been observed + that such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody. + </p> + <p> + Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her faults, + amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to her servants, + to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too gentle correction. I + thought I could not say less of John Bull's mother, because she bears a + part in the following transactions. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg,* with the Quarrels + that happened between Master and Miss in their Childhood. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The nation and Church of Scotland. +</pre> + <p> + John had a sister, a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. Anybody + would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the influence of a + cruel stepdame, and John to be the fondling of a tender mother. John + looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter; Miss + looked pale and wan, as if she had the green sickness; and no wonder, for + John was the darling: he had all the good bits, was crammed with good + pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and capon; while Miss had only a little + oatmeal and water, or a dry crust without butter. John had his golden + pippins, peaches, and nectarines; poor Miss, a crab-apple, sloe, or a + blackberry. Master lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber towards + the south sun. Miss lodged in a garret exposed to the north wind, which + shrivelled her countenance. However, this usage, though it stunted the + girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution; she had life and spirit + in abundance, and knew when she was ill-used. Now and then she would seize + upon John's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet, or a bit of good beef, for + which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. Master was indeed too strong for + her, but Miss would not yield in the least point; but even when Master had + got her down, she would scratch and bite like a tiger; when he gave her a + cuff on the ear, she would prick him with her knitting-needle. John + brought a great chain one day to tie her to the bedpost, for which affront + Miss aimed a penknife at his heart. In short, these quarrels grew up to + rooted aversions; they gave one another nicknames, though the girl was a + tight clever wench as any was, and through her pale looks you might + discern spirit and vivacity, which made her not, indeed, a perfect beauty, + but something that was agreeable. It was barbarous in parents not to take + notice of these early quarrels, and make them live better together, such + domestic feuds proving afterwards the occasion of misfortunes to them + both. Peg had, indeed, some odd humours* and comical antipathy, for which + John would jeer her. "What think you of my sister Peg," says he, "that + faints at the sound of an organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the noise + of a bagpipe?" "What's that to you?" quoth Peg. "Everybody's to choose + their own music." Then Peg had taken a fancy not to say her Paternoster, + which made people imagine strange things of her. Of the three brothers + that have made such a clutter in the world—Lord Peter, Martin, and + Jack—Jack had of late been her inclinations. Lord Peter she + detested, nor did Martin stand much better in her good graces; but Jack + had found the way to her heart. I have often admired what charms she + discovered in that awkward booby, till I talked with a person that was + acquainted with the intrigue, who gave me the following account of it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Love of Presbytery. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by which he gained Peg's Heart. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Character of the Presbyterians. +</pre> + <p> + In the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the youngest of + the three brothers, and people, indeed, wondered how such a young upstart + jackanapes should grow so pert and saucy, and take so much upon him. + </p> + <p> + Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men. He was well gifted, as + he pretended: I need not tell you what secret influence that has upon the + ladies. + </p> + <p> + Jack had a most scandalous tongue, and persuaded Peg that all mankind, + besides himself, were plagued by that scarlet-faced woman, Signiora + Bubonia.* "As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were evident on him—blotches + and scabs. His brother Martin, though he was not quite so bad, had some + nocturnal pains, which his friends pretended were only scorbutical; but he + was sure it proceeded from a worse cause." By such malicious insinuations + he had possessed the lady that he was the only man in the world of a + sound, pure, and untainted constitution, though there were some that stuck + not to say that Signiora Bubonia and Jack railed at one another only the + better to hide an intrigue, and that Jack had been found with Signiora + under his cloak, carrying her home on a dark stormy night. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Woman of Babylon, or the Pope. +</pre> + <p> + Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outside of his eye + inward, and the white upward. + </p> + <p> + Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the Fortunate + Islands, of which the sole property was vested in his person. By this + trick he cheated abundance of poor people of small sums, pretending to + make over plantations in the said islands; but when the poor wretches came + there with Jack's grant, they were beat, mocked, and turned out of doors. + </p> + <p> + I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved anything that was particular. + In that way Jack was her man, for he neither thought, spoke, dressed, nor + acted like other mortals. He was for your bold strokes. He railed at fops, + though he was himself the most affected in the world; instead of the + common fashion, he would visit his mistress in a mourning-cloak, band, + short cuffs, and a peaked beard. He invented a way of coming into a room + backwards, which he said showed more humility and less affectation. Where + other people stood, he sat; where they sat, he stood; when he went to + Court, he used to kick away the state, and sit down by his prince cheek by + jowl. "Confound these states," says he, "they are a modern invention." + When he spoke to his prince, he always turned his back upon him. If he was + advised to fast for his health, he would eat roast beef; if he was allowed + a more plentiful diet, then he would be sure that day to live upon + water-gruel; he would cry at a wedding, laugh and make jests at a funeral. + </p> + <p> + He was no less singular in his opinions. You would have burst your sides + to hear him talk of politics. "All government," says he, "is founded upon + the right distribution of punishments: decent executions keep the world in + awe; for that reason, the majority of mankind ought to be hanged every + year. For example, I suppose the magistrate ought to pass an irreversible + sentence upon all blue-eyed children from the cradle; but that there may + be some show of justice in this proceeding, these children ought to be + trained up by masters, appointed for that purpose, to all sorts of + villany, that they may deserve their fate, and the execution of them may + serve as an object of terror to the rest of mankind."* As to the giving of + pardons, he had this singular method:** that when these wretches had the + rope about their necks, it should be inquired who believed they should be + hanged, and who not? The first were to be pardoned, the last hanged + outright. Such as were once pardoned were never to be hanged afterwards + for any crime whatsoever. He had such skill in physiognomy, that he would + pronounce peremptorily upon a man's face. "That fellow," says he, "do what + he will, can't avoid hanging; he has a hanging look." By the same art he + would prognosticate a principality to a scoundrel. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Absolute predestination and reprobation. + + ** Saving Faith: a belief that one shall certainly be + saved. +</pre> + <p> + He was no less particular in the choice of his studies; they were + generally bent towards exploded chimeras*—the perpetuum mobile, the + circular shot, philosopher's stone, silent gunpowder, making chains for + fleas, nets for flies, and instruments to unravel cobwebs and split hairs. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The learning of the Presbyterians. +</pre> + <p> + Thus, I think, I have given a distinct account of the methods he practised + upon Peg. Her brother would now and then ask her, "What dost thou see in + that pragmatical coxcomb to make thee so in love with him? He is a fit + match for a tailor's or a shoemaker's daughter, but not for you that are a + gentlewoman?" "Fancy is free," quoth Peg; "I'll take my own way, do you + take yours. I do not care for your flaunting beaus, that gang with their + breasts open, and their sarks over their waistcoats, that accost me with + set speeches out of Sidney's 'Arcadia' or the 'Academy of Compliments.' + Jack is a sober, grave young man; though he has none of your studied + harangues, his meaning is sincere. He has a great regard to his father's + will, and he that shows himself a good son will make a good husband. + Besides, I know he has the original deed of conveyance to the Fortunate + Islands; the others are counterfeits." There is nothing so obstinate as a + young lady in her amours; the more you cross her, the worse she is. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John and his sister Peg, and what + return Peg made to John's message.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Treaty of Union. Reason of it: the Succession not + being settled in Scotland. Fears for the Presbyterian + Church Government, and of being burdened with the English + National Debts. +</pre> + <p> + John Bull, otherwise a good-natured man, was very hard-hearted to his + sister Peg, chiefly from an aversion he had conceived in his infancy. + While he flourished, kept a warm house, and drove a plentiful trade, poor + Peg was forced to go hawking and peddling about the streets selling + knives, scissors, and shoe-buckles; now and then carried a basket of fish + to the market; sewed, spun, and knit for a livelihood, till her fingers' + ends were sore; and when she could not get bread for her family, she was + forced to hire them out at journey-work to her neighbours. Yet in these + her poor circumstances she still preserved the air and mien of a + gentlewoman—a certain decent pride that extorted respect from the + haughtiest of her neighbours. When she came in to any full assembly, she + would not yield the pas to the best of them. If one asked her, "Are not + you related to John Bull?" "Yes," says she, "he has the honour to be my + brother." So Peg's affairs went till all the relations cried out shame + upon John for his barbarous usage of his own flesh and blood; that it was + an easy matter for him to put her in a creditable way of living, not only + without hurt, but with advantage to himself, seeing she was an industrious + person, and might be serviceable to him in his way of business. "Hang her, + jade," quoth John, "I can't endure her as long as she keeps that rascal + Jack's company." They told him the way to reclaim her was to take her into + his house; that by conversation the childish humours of their younger days + might be worn out. These arguments were enforced by a certain incident. It + happened that John was at that time about making his will* and entailing + his estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is named executor. Now, his + sister Peg's name being in the entail, he could not make a thorough + settlement without her consent. There was, indeed, a malicious story went + about as if John's last wife had fallen in love with Jack as he was eating + custard on horseback;** that she persuaded John to take his sister into + the house the better to drive on the intrigue with Jack, concluding he + would follow his mistress Peg. All I can infer from this story is that + when one has got a bad character in the world people will report and + believe anything of them, true or false. But to return to my story. When + Peg received John's message she huffed and stormed: "My brother John," + quoth she, "is grown wondrous kind-hearted all of a sudden, but I meikle + doubt whether it be not mair for their own conveniency than for my good; + he draws up his writs and his deeds, forsooth, and I must set my hand to + them, unsight, unseen. I like the young man he has settled upon well + enough, but I think I ought to have a valuable consideration for my + consent. He wants my poor little farm because it makes a nook in his + park-wall. Ye may e'en tell him he has mair than he makes good use of; he + gangs up and down drinking, roaring, and quarrelling, through all the + country markets, making foolish bargains in his cups, which he repents + when he is sober; like a thriftless wretch, spending the goods and gear + that his forefathers won with the sweat of their brows: light come, light + go, he cares not a farthing. But why should I stand surety for his + contracts? The little I have is free, and I can call it my awn—hame's + hame, let it be never so hamely. I ken him well enough, he could never + abide me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en use me as he did before. I'm + sure I shall be treated like a poor drudge—I shall be set to tend + the bairns, darn the hose, and mend the linen. Then there's no living with + that old carline his mother; she rails at Jack, and Jack's an honester man + than any of her kin: I shall be plagued with her spells and her + Paternosters, and silly old world ceremonies; I mun never pare my nails on + a Friday, nor begin a journey on Childermas Day; and I mun stand beeking + and binging as I gang out and into the hall. Tell him he may e'en gang his + get; I'll have nothing to do with him; I'll stay like the poor country + mouse, in my awn habitation." So Peg talked; but for all that, by the + interposition of good friends, and by many a bonny thing that was sent, + and many more that were promised Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg + taken into the house upon certain articles:*** one of which was that she + might have the freedom of Jack's conversation, and might take him for + better and for worse if she pleased: provided always he did not come into + the house at unseasonable hours and disturb the rest of the old woman, + John's mother. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Act of Succession. + + ** A Presbyterian Lord Mayor. + + *** The Act of Toleration. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after Peg was taken into the + Family.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *Quarrels about some of the Articles of Union, particularly + the peerage. +</pre> + <p> + It is an old observation that the quarrels of relations are harder to + reconcile than any other; injuries from friends fret and gall more, and + the memory of them is not so easily obliterated. This is cunningly + represented by one of your old sages called Aesop, in the story of the + bird that was grieved extremely at being wounded with an arrow feathered + with his own wing; as also of the oak that let many a heavy groan when he + was cleft with a wedge of his own timber. + </p> + <p> + There was no man in the world less subject to rancour than John Bull, + considering how often his good nature has been abused; yet I don't know + but he was too apt to hearken to tattling people that carry tales between + him and his sister Peg, on purpose to sow jealousies and set them together + by the ears. They say that there were some hardships put upon Peg which + had been better let alone; but it was the business of good people to + restrain the injuries on one side and moderate the resentments on the + other—a good friend acts both parts, the one without the other will + not do. + </p> + <p> + The purchase-money of Peg's farm was ill paid;* then Peg loved a little + good liquor, and the servants shut up the wine-cellar; but for that Peg + found a trick, for she made a false key.** Peg's servants complained that + they were debarred from all manner of business, and never suffered to + touch the least thing within the house; if they offered to come into the + warehouse, then straight went the yard slap over their noddle; if they + ventured into the counting-room a fellow would throw an ink-bottle at + their head; if they came into the best apartment to set anything there in + order, they were saluted with a broom; if they meddled with anything in + the kitchen it was odds but the cook laid them over the pate with a ladle; + one that would have got into the stables was met by two rascals, who fell + to work with him with a brush and a curry-comb; some climbing up into the + coachbox, were told that one of their companions had been there before + that could not drive, then slap went the long whip about their ears. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The equivalent not paid. + + ** Run wine. +</pre> + <p> + On the other hand, it was complained that Peg's servants were always + asking for drink-money; that they had more than their share of the + Christmas-box.* To say the truth, Peg's lads bustled pretty hard for that, + for when they were endeavouring to lock it up they got in their great + fists and pulled out handfuls of halfcrowns, shillings, and sixpences. + Others in the scramble picked up guineas and broad-pieces. But there + happened a worse thing than all this: it was complained that Peg's + servants had great stomachs, and brought so many of their friends and + acquaintance to the table that John's family was like to be eaten out of + house and home. Instead of regulating this matter as it ought to be, Peg's + young men were thrust away from the table; then there was the devil and + all to do—spoons, plates, and dishes flew about the room like mad, + and Sir Roger, who was now Majordomo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg + said this was contrary to agreement, whereby she was in all things to be + treated like a child of the family. Then she called upon those that had + made her such fair promises, and undertook for her brother John's good + behaviour; but, alas! to her cost she found that they were the first and + readiest to do her the injury. John at last agreed to this regulation: + that Peg's footmen might sit with his book-keeper, journeymen, and + apprentices, and Peg's better sort of servants might sit with his footmen + if they pleased.** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Endeavoured to get their share of places. + + ** Articles of Union, whereby they could make a Scot's + commoner, but not a lord a peer. +</pre> + <p> + Then they began to order plum-porridge and minced pies for Peg's dinner. + Peg told them she had an aversion to that sort of food; that upon forcing + down a mess of it some years ago it threw her into a fit till she brought + it up again. Some alleged it was nothing but humour, that the same mess + should be served up again for supper, and breakfast next morning; others + would have made use of a horn, but the wiser sort bid let her alone, and + she might take to it of her own accord. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull and his wife.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that + time that the French King intended to take the whole, and + that he revealed the secret to the Court of Spain. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I have + a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of the ill + course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to proper remedies. + But when I consider your immense debts, your foolish bargains, and the + general disorder of your business, I have a curiosity to know what fate or + chance has brought you into this condition. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I wish you would talk of some other subject, the thoughts + of it makes me mad; our family must have their run. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—But such a strange thing as this never happened to any of + your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they spent the + income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must have some of the + Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give me some account of these + matters. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by bread + as that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, contentious rogue upon + the face of the earth. You must know, one day, as Nic. Frog and I were + over a bottle making up an old quarrel, the old fellow would needs have us + drink a bottle of his champagne, and so one after another, till my friend + Nic. and I, not being used to such heady stuff, got very drunk. Lewis all + the while, either by the strength of his brain or flinching his glass, + kept himself sober as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth Lewis, + "henceforth let us live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet as a lamb + of my own temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among quarrelsome + neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, and that is the + inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for peace' sake, to + waive my right, and submit to any expedient to prevent a lawsuit; I think + an equal division* will be the fairest way." "Well moved, Old Lewis," + quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend John here will not be refractory." At + the same time he clapped me on the back, and slabbered me all over from + cheek to cheek with his great tongue. "Do as you please, gentlemen," quoth + I, "'tis all one to John Bull." We agreed to part that night, and next + morning to meet at the corner of Lord Strutt's park wall, with our + surveying instruments, which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a chain + and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers, and a lead pencil; and I followed + at some distance with a long pole. We began first with surveying the + meadow grounds, afterwards we measured the cornfields, close by close; + then we proceeded to the woodlands, the copper and tin mines.** All this + while Nic. laid down everything exactly upon paper, calculated the acres + and roods to a great nicety. When we had finished the land, we were going + to break into the house and gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, + pictures, and other furniture. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Partition Treaty. + + ** The West Indies. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—What said Lord Strutt to all this? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted + by some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a devil's + the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? What in the + name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my master's hedges, and + running your lines cross his grounds? If you are at any field pastime, you + might have asked leave: my master is a civil well-bred person as any is." + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—What could you answer to this? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still + hot-headed; we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded + nothing of his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and + settling it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this there + happened a quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them away with a + flea in their ear. They went home and told their master. "My lord," say + they, "there are three odd sort of fellows going about your grounds with + the strangest machines that ever we beheld in our life: I suppose they are + going to rob your orchard, fell your trees, or drive away your cattle. + They told us strange things of settling your estate—one is a lusty + old fellow in a black wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's + another, thick squat fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little, + long-nosed, thin man (I was then lean, being just come out of a fit of + sickness)—I suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry + something away?" + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and + bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be affronted so by + my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, clothier, and linen-draper + dispose of my estate! Bring hither my blunderbuss; I'll warrant ye you + shall see daylight through them. Scoundrels! dogs! the scum of the earth! + Frog, that was my father's kitchen-boy, he pretend to meddle with my + estate—with my will! Ah, poor Strutt! what are thou come to at last? + Thou hast lived too long in the world, to see thy age and infirmity so + despised! How will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive these tidings?—they + cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their graves." In short, the old + gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit, and after bleeding in both + arms hardly recovered. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! I + long to hear the rest of it. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other + bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of the + estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog and I on + t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to pieces. At last + Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears and clipt a corner for + himself, which he said was a manor that lay convenient for him, and left + Frog and me the rest to dispose of as we pleased. We were overjoyed to + think Lewis was contented with so little, not smelling what was at the + bottom of the plot. There happened, indeed, an incident that gave us some + disturbance. A cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after, peeping + through the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away our part of + the map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one corner to the + other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He was muttering + something to himself, which he did not well hear, only these words, "'Tis + great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added that he believed this had + some ill meaning. I told him he was a coxcomb, always pretending to be + wiser than his companions. Lewis and I are good friends, he's an honest + fellow, and I daresay will stand to his bargain. The sequel of the story + proved this fellow's suspicion to be too well grounded; for Lewis revealed + our whole secret to the deceased Lord Strutt, who in reward for his + treachery, and revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole estate upon the + present Philip Baboon. Then we understood what he meant by piecing the map + together. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt + reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so used + yourself? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the + common methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I have read + of your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might justly call this the + age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of substance in all the country + but had a counterfeit that pretended to his estate.* As the philosophers + say that there is a duplicate of every terrestrial animal at sea, so it + was in this age of the lawyers: there were at least two of everything; + nay, o' my conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums** at one + time. In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows to meet and dispose + of the whole estates in the country. "This lies convenient for me, Tom. + Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than the old fellow that has + it." So to law they went with the true owners: the lawyers got well by it; + everybody else was undone. It was a common thing for an honest man when he + came home at night to find another fellow domineering in his family, + hectoring his servants, and calling for supper. In every house you might + observe two Sosias quarrelling who was master. For my own part, I am still + afraid of the same treatment: that I should find somebody behind my + counter selling my broad-cloth. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Several Pretenders at that time. + + ** Kings of England. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and + bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were in + earnest. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I begin to think that justice is a better rule than + conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the Manor of + Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off importunate duns.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time. + Manners of the Earl of Oxford. +</pre> + <p> + As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised with a + sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and lawyers, no + doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the money he owed, and + others warning to prepare for the approaching term. "What a cursed life do + I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like deadly sin. For God's sake, Sir Roger, + get me rid of the fellows." "I'll warrant you," quoth Sir Roger; "leave + them to me." And, indeed, it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's + method with these importunate duns. His sincere friendship for John Bull + made him submit to many things for his service which he would have scorned + to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the door with his + long staff to keep off the duns, until John got out at the back door. When + the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant bills Sir Roger used to + bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a quarter of a yard in any part of + the bill he pleased; he wore a pair of scissors in his pocket for this + purpose, and would snip it off so nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a + true goldsmith he kept all your holidays; there was not one wanting in his + calendar; when ready money was scarce, he would set them a-telling a + thousand pounds in sixpences, groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have + done your heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, + attorneys, clerks, and tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at other + times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck like a bur, + that there was no shaking him off, he used to be mighty inquisitive about + the health of his uncles and aunts in the country; he could call them all + by their names, for he knew everybody, and could talk to them in their own + way. The extremely impertinent he would send away to see some strange + sight, as the Dragon of Hockley the Hole, or bid him call the 30th of next + February. Now and then you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the beef + and butter, paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the + market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and light + meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the casks. In + his leisure minutes he was posting his books and gathering in his debts. + Such frugal methods were necessary where money was so scarce and duns so + numerous. All this while John kept his credit, could show his head both at + 'Change and Westminster Hall; no man protested his bill nor refused his + bond; only the sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers and other clerks + pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The squirters were at it with their + kennel water, for they were mad for the loss of their bubble, and that + they could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir Roger + shook his ears and nuzzled along, well satisfied within himself that he + was doing a charitable work in rescuing an honest man from the claws of + harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did all that an affectionate wife, and + a good housewife, could do; yet the boundaries of virtues are indivisible + lines. It is impossible to march up close to the frontiers of frugality + without entering the territories of parsimony. Your good housewives are + apt to look into the minutest things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for + new heel-pieceing of her shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap and + sand to scour the rooms**; but, especially, that she would not allow her + maids and apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the "London + Apprentices," or the "Seven Champions," in the black letter.*** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's + family. + + ** Too great savings in the House of Commons. + + *** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of + Parliament. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull and his + wife. + </h2> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed, + paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. However, I + don't blame you for vindicating your honour and chastising old Lewis. To + curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, recover one's own, and defend + what one has, are good effects of the law. The only thing I want to know + is how you came to make an end of your money before you finished your + suit. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood + upon three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more money, + and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a demonstration, + for who can go to law without money? and it was plain that any man that + has money may have law for it. The third was as evident as the other two; + for what composition could be made with a rogue that never kept a word he + said? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth + by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious + commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have + paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to run so much + in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what is mortgaged to + those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and give you your bellyfull + of law for all your life, without running one sixpence in debt? You have + been bred up to business; I suppose you can cypher; I wonder you never + used your pen and ink. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy + tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced, full of + spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of money + scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills: if they get + hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body at last, till they + squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. When I wanted money, half a + dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my ante-chamber with their + securities ready drawn.* I was tempted with the ready, some farm or other + went to pot. I received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to + lawyers that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the + rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money, which always ended in + receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession of my best + rents they were able to supply me with my own money. But, what was worse, + when I looked into the securities there was no clause of redemption. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a + worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself, paid the + money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher and grazier, + brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is something still worse than + all this. There came twenty bills upon me at once, which I had given money + to discharge. I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and + baker; even my herb-woman dunned me as I went along the streets. Thanks to + my friend Sir Roger, else I must have gone to jail. When I asked the + meaning of this, I was told the money went to the lawyers. "Counsel won't + tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper sat sotting all day, playing + at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping usurers, devouring lawyers, and + negligent servants I am brought to this pass. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection + might have retrieved you. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances—my honour + was engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five + years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to tavern, + to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted with such + strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the world," says one, + "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's another can pick you up + witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver tongue at the bar."* I + believe, in time I should have retained every single person within the + Inns of Court. The night after a trial I treated the lawyers, their wives, + and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was always + hot-headed. Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and their + clerks dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John Bull, the + glory and support of the law!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Hiring still more troops. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—Really, husband, you went through a very notable course. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—One of the things that first alarmed me was that they + showed a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what makes + you so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that minds only her + prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles in any of your + concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, brisk, genteel young + fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! Do you consider she keeps + you out of a good jointure? She has the best of your estate settled upon + her for a rent-charge. Hang her, old thief! turn her out of doors, seize + her lands, and let her go to law if she dares." "Soft and fair, + gentlemen," quoth I; "my mother's my mother, our family are not of an + unnatural temper. Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her + jointure; long may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She + allows me now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty + fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort of a + distemper.** + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Railing against the Church. + + ** Carelessness in forms and discipline. +</pre> + <p> + It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees + affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the brain, + and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first in a sort of + indifference and carelessness in all her actions, coldness to her best + friends, and an aversion to stir or go about the common offices of life. + She, that was the cleanliest creature in the world, never shrank now if + you set a close-stool under her nose. She that would sometimes rattle off + her servants pretty sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk + profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual charities to + deserving persons, she threw away her money upon roaring, swearing bullies + and beggars, that went about the streets.* "What is the matter with the + old gentlewoman?" said everybody; "she never used to do in this manner." + At last the distemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into + raving fits, in which she shrieked out so loud that she disturbed the + whole neighbourhood.** In her fits she called upon one Sir William.*** + "Oh! Sir William, thou hast betrayed me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! + Clum with his bloody knife! Seize him! seize him! stop him! Behold the + fury with her hissing snakes! Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? + Poor man! I pity him!" And abundance more of such strange stuff, that + nobody could make anything of. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Disposing of some preferments to libertine and + unprincipled persons. + + ** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church. + + *** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord + Treasurer Godolphin. +</pre> + <p> + I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health, the + answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were sent for + in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought Ratcliff; Garth came + upon the first message. There were several others called in, but, as usual + upon such occasions, they differed strangely at the consultation. At last + they divided into two parties; one sided with Garth, the other with + Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth said, "This case seems to me to be plainly + hysterical; the old woman is whimsical; it is a common thing for your old + women to be so; I'll pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet, will + recover her." Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood, + because she was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman was + mad, and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction. + Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is plainly an + acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days unless she is + supported with strong cordials." I came into the room with a good deal of + concern, and asked them what they thought of my mother? "In no manner of + danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the old woman is hysterical, + fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you, sir," says Ratcliff, "she + cannot live three days to an end, unless there is some very effectual + course taken with her; she has a malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy," + and "blockhead," were the best words they gave. I could hardly restrain + them from throwing the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to + tell you that one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister + Peg into the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear of + that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to take + laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed, there was a + High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,** that gave her a + sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to see it. "Nay," says he, + "there is opium in this, I am sure." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Garth, the Low Church party. Ratcliff, High Church party. + + ** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer + in politics and physic. +</pre> + <p> + MRS. BULL.—I hope you examined a little into this matter? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of + iniquity. The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the + liverymen* frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was a + troublesome fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there was no + bearing of her. They were so plagued with bowing and cringing as they went + in and out of the room that their backs ached. She used to scold at one + for his dirty shoes, at another for his greasy hair and not combing his + head. Then she was so passionate and fiery in her temper that there was no + living with her. She wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they + never had a quiet night's rest for getting up in the morning to early + Sacraments. They wished they could find some way or another to keep the + old woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among the + liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this matter. A + maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van Ptschirnsooker, one of + the liverymen, frequently making up of medicines and administering them to + all the neighbours; that she saw him one morning make up the powder which + her mistress took; that she had the curiosity to ask him whence he had the + ingredients. 'They come,' says he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I + have from Geneva, dat from Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the + red from Edinburgh, but the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey." It + was likewise proved that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequently + seen at the "Rose" with Jack, who was known to bear an inveterate spite to + his mistress. That he brought a certain powder to his mistress which the + examinant believes to be the same, and spoke the following words:—"Madam, + here is grand secret van de world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate + de humour, dispel the windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth + the animal spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de + infallible receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking out + upon de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de + blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure you of + all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the examinant + does not remember. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The clergy. +</pre> + <p> + John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him a + letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <h3> + A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull. + </h3> + <p> + [John Bull reads.] + </p> + <p> + FRIEND JOHN,—What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old + friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee out of + the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and I thank him; + but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou beginnest now to repent thy + bargain that thou wast so fond of; and, if thou durst, would forswear thy + own hand and seal. Thou sayest that thou hast purchased me too great an + estate already, when, at the same time, thou knowest I have only a + mortgage. 'Tis true I have possession, and the tenants own me for master; + but has not Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt, and will + redeem it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession—eleven points + of the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are for other + people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant constantly to + attend, to let thy carriages through without paying anything; only I hope + thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my ways. Certainly I have just + cause of offence against thee, my friend, for supposing it possible that + thou and I should ever quarrel. What houndsfoot is it that puts these + whims in thy head? Ten thousand last of devils haul me, if I don't love + thee as I love my life. [No question, as the Devil loves holy-water!] Does + not thy own hand and seal oblige thee to purchase for me till I say it is + enough? Are not these words plain? I say it is not enough. Dost thou think + thy friend Nicholas Frog made a child's bargain? Mark the words of thy + contract, tota pecunia (with all thy money). [Very well! I have purchased + with my own money, my children's and my grandchildren's money—is not + that enough? Well, tota pecunia let it be, for at present I have none at + all; he would not have me purchase with other people's money, sure? Since + tota pecunia is the bargain, I think it is plain—no more money, no + more purchase.] And whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a + poor man in comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier + of the world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned, + and the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best + brandy. It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief about the + country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it not evident to all + the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis Baboon? Is he not just upon + my borders? [And so he will be if I purchase a thousand acres more, unless + he gets somebody betwixt them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou hast + flatterers that persuade thee that thou art a man of business; do not + believe them. If thou wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands, thou + shouldst see how handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou shouldst + be dazzled with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold that old Lewis + promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy money to purchase + a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou must not so much as + think of a composition. [Not think of a composition; that's hard indeed; I + can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou complainest of want of money—let + thy wife and daughters burn the gold lace of their petticoats; sell thy + fat cattle; retrench but a sirloin of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from + thy gormandising. [Retrench my beef—a dog! Retrench my beef; then it + is plain the rascal has an ill design upon me—he would starve me.] + Mortgage thy manor of Bullock's Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A + rogue! part with my country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in + the world; I'll see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy attorney? + Can any man manage thy cause better for thee? [Very pleasant! because a + man has a good attorney, he must never make an end of his law-suit.] Ah, + John! John! I wish thou knewest thine own mind. Thou art as fickle as the + wind. I tell thee, thou hadst better let this composition alone, or leave + it to thy + </p> + <p> + Loving friend, + </p> + <p> + Nic. FROG. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A letter from the States-General. + + ** Alluding to the Rebellion. + + *** The Dutch prohibition of trade. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the "Salutation" + Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire South, and Lewis + </h2> + <p> + Baboon. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to + meet. When met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments, + nor the French deliver in their proposals. The House of + Austria talked very high. +</pre> + <p> + Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned company at + the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he durst not directly + break his appointment, he made many a shuffling excuse: one time he + pretended to be seized with the gout in his right knee; then he got a + great cold, that had struck him deaf of one ear; afterwards two of his + coach-horses fell sick, and he durst not go by water, for fear of catching + an ague. John would take no excuse, but hurried him away. "Come, Nic.," + says he, "let's go and hear at least what this old fellow has to propose; + I hope there's no hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.; "but if I catch + any harm, woe be to you; my wife and children will curse you as long as + they live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John concluded all + was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with law affairs. He + thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. "Well, neighbours," + quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, and live peaceably + together for the time to come. If everybody is as well inclined as I, we + shall quickly come to the upshot of our affair." And so, pointing to Frog + to say something, to the great surprise of all the company, Frog was + seized with a dead palsy in the tongue. John began to ask him some plain + questions, and whooped and hallooed in his ear: "Let's come to the point. + Nic., who wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt? Wouldst thou have Philip + Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing. "Wilt thou, then, have + Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his head a second time. "Then + who the devil wilt thou have? Say something or another." Nic. opened his + mouth and pointed to his tongue, and cried, "A, a, a, a!" which was as + much as to say he could not speak. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept + of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and + fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!" + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them + thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was like to + kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a frisking and + dancing about the room. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic., + and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to John, + shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out of + joint. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak + before I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry + "buck!" which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for thee." + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my + own terms with old Lewis here." + </p> + <p> + John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: "Since we + cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray condescend a little + to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon paper, that he may answer it + in another scrap." + </p> + <p> + "I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so unfortunately; + for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a fellow has given me such a + rap over the right arm that I am quite lame. I have lost the use of my + forefinger and my thumb, so that I cannot hold my pen." + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"That's all one; let me write for you." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS.—"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand + but my own." + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—"Try what you can do with your left hand." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS.—"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will + not be legible." + </p> + <p> + As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all dressed up + in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing his sword, as if + he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, room, boys, for the grand + esquire of the world! the flower of esquires! What! covered in my + presence? I'll crush your souls, and crack you like lice!" With that he + had like to have struck John Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was + pretty strong-fisted, gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water. He + went on still in his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the sun + shall prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis my + tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!" + </p> + <p> + All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the other + noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him ten times + madder. + </p> + <p> + Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, thou art + got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a mad devil, and + the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a fine time on it + amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some mighty + boon one would think! only to sit quietly at thy own fireside. What have I + to do with such fellows? John Bull, after all his losses and crosses, can + live better without them than they can without him. Would I lived a + thousand leagues off them! but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and + John Bull must get out as well as he can." + </p> + <p> + As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging + towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with his + arms akimbo, to keep them asunder. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and + the Dutch. +</pre> + <p> + Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take away his + bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to give Esquire + South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient poultices, others + for opening his arm with an incision knife. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of Jack for + suspicion of poisoning. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The four following chapters contain the history of passing + the Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs + agreeing to it. +</pre> + <p> + The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van + Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I have a + natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with the distemper + myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching sensation in my reader, I + have procured the following account of that matter. + </p> + <p> + Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such occasions) by + peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to bring him to the + gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all the roguery. And, + indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor fellow, that he was known + to bear a most inveterate spite against the old gentlewoman; and, + consequently, that never any ill accident happened to her but he was + suspected to be at the bottom of it. If she pricked her finger, Jack, to + be sure, laid the pin in the way; if some noise in the street disturbed + her rest, who could it be but Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles? If a + servant ran away, Jack had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle that + went about, Jack was always suspected for the author of it. However, all + was nothing to this last affair of the temperating, moderating powder. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan + party. +</pre> + <p> + The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive, wherever + he could be found. The constables looked out for him in all his usual + haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they found him at last? Even + smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his brother Martin's; from whence he + was carried with a vast mob at his heels, before the worshipful Mr. + Justice Overdo. Several of his neighbours made oath,* that of late, the + prisoner had been observed to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing even + his usual hypocrisy and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented taverns + and eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and gluttony + at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company of lewd + women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed copy of his + father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and debentures:** these + he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be meat, drink, and cloth, + the philosopher's stone, and the universal medicine;*** that he was so far + from showing his customary reverence to the will, that he kept company + with those that called his father a cheating rogue, and his will a + forgery; that he not only sat quietly and heard his father railed at, but + often chimed in with the discourse, and hugged the authors as his bosom + friends;**** that instead of asking for blows at the corners of the + streets, he now bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before.*** + In short, that he was grown a mere rake; and had nothing left in him of + old Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former + strictness. + + ** Dealing much in stock-jobbing. + + *** "Tale of a Tub." + + **** Herding with deists and atheists. +</pre> + <p> + Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of a + trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he used to + call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I could not + light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged tattered coat, I am so + well known, that I am hunted away from the old woman's door by every + barking cur about the house; they bid me defiance. There's no doing + mischief as an open enemy; I must find some way or other of getting within + doors, and then I shall have better opportunities of playing my pranks, + besides the benefit of good keeping." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional + conformity. +</pre> + <p> + Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their + mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the name + of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to be the very + prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the features of his + countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family, + clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat; that the said + Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person, + endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing to set her against the rest of + the servants: nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted, to + reach what was dropped. That he used to shove and elbow his + fellow-servants to get near his mistress, especially when money was a + paying or receiving—then he was never out of the way; that he was + extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own. That the said + Timothy, while he was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; + when his mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make + mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, ridiculing + her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about, he put on a + grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a fit of devotion; that he + used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him + tread, and put all things out of order; that he would pinch the children + and servants, when he met them in the dark, so hard, that he left the + print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue, and then slink + into a corner, as if nobody had done it. Out of the same malicious design + he used to lay chairs and joint-stools in their way, that they might break + their noses by falling over them. The more young and inexperienced he used + to teach to talk saucily, and call names. During his stay in the family + there was much plate missing; being caught with a couple of silver spoons + in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, he said he was only going + to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended: that the said Timothy was + hated by all the honest servants, for his ill-conditioned, splenetic + tricks, but especially for his slanderous tongue; traducing them to their + mistress as drunkards and thieves: that the said Timothy, by lying + stories, used to set all the family together by the ears, taking delight + to make them fight and quarrel; **particularly one day sitting at table, + he spoke words to this effect: "I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little + short fellows, such as we are, have better hearts, and could beat the tall + fellows; I wish it came to a fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as + sightly as they are, should find their jackets well thwacked." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Betraying the interests of the Church when got into + preferments. + + ** The original of the distinction in the names of Low + Churchmen and High Churchmen. +</pre> + <p> + A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the + discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men and the + low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to the great + disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy carried this frolic + so far, that he proposed to his mistress that she should entertain no + servant that was above four feet seven inches high, and for that purpose + had prepared a gauge, by which they were to be measured. The good old + gentlewoman was not so simple as to go into his projects—she began + to smell a rat. "This Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow; + methinks he makes a strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat + appearing under his livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest of + the servants? The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by + any means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and an + ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly + understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad disease." + The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy lay out a-nights, + and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and it was credibly reported + he did business in another family: that he pretended to have a squeamish + stomach, and could not eat at table with the rest of the servants, though + this was but a pretence to provide some nice bit for himself; that he + refused to dine upon salt fish, only to have an opportunity to eat a + calf's head (his favourite dish) in private; that for all his tender + stomach, when he was got by himself, he could devour capons, turkeys, and + sirloins of beef, like a cormorant. + </p> + <p> + Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his officious + attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a powder into her + drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to stifle her with a + pillow as she was asleep; that he and Ptschirnsooker were often in close + conference, and that they used to drink together at the "Rose," where it + seems he was well enough known by his true name of Jack. + </p> + <p> + The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to prove + himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single question, whether + the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same person; which was proved by + such plain tokens, and particularly by a mole under the left pap, that + there was no withstanding the evidence; therefore the worshipful Mr. + Justice committed him, in order to his trial. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and what + advice they gave him. + </h2> + <p> + Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, well-meaning, + half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were strangely surprised to find + him in such a roguery—that he should disguise himself under a false + name, hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman, only for an + opportunity to poison her. They said that it was more generous to profess + open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a + scandalous breach of trust, and of the sacred rights of hospitality; in + short, the action was universally condemned by his best friends. They told + him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose + life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice; for laying aside his + father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning stock-jobber, + newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's affairs, shaking + off his old serious friends, and keeping company with buffoons and + pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had best throw himself + upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change his manners. To say truth, + Jack heard these discourses with some compunction; however, he resolved to + try what his new acquaintance would do for him. They sent Habakkuk + Slyboots,* who delivered him the following message, as the peremptory + commands of his trusty companions:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the + Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional + Conformity as being for their interest. +</pre> + <p> + HABAKKUK.—Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have not + been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best of a bad + bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; hang, draw, and + quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. However, thy faithful + friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid me tell thee that they have + one infallible expedient left to save thy life. Thou must know we have got + into some understanding with the enemy by the means of Don Diego;* he + assures us there is no mercy for thee, and that there is only one way left + to escape. It is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road; however, be + assured it is the result of most mature deliberation. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A noble Tory lord. +</pre> + <p> + JACK.—Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the very + bottom of my belly. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as if + you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite dead, and + convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, being busied with + his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the matter. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity. +</pre> + <p> + JACK.—How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, + that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your friends. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I + hope, won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by which they + intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting matters! + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I + tell thee there is one ready to cut thee down. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so + important an office? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I am + not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange thing for a + man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut him down. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell + thee it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy misfortune. Don + Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in the next room, and before + the rope is well about thy neck, rest satisfied he will break in and cut + thee down. Fear not, old boy; we'll do it, I'll warrant thee. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the + occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and + the Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass. +</pre> + <p> + JACK.—So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut me + down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine stratagem, indeed, + to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don Diego, and Sir Roger! + </p> + <p> + HAB.—I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece + of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the common + cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst not delay the + experiment one moment. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your cause + to me when I am hanged? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take + what follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt be + hung up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most conspicuous + places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will be contented with + hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the wheel, and thou + choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself for one minute. + Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou imaginest. I have spoken with + several that have undergone it; they all agree it is no manner of + uneasiness. Be sure thou take good notice of the symptoms; the relation + will be curious. It is but a kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth + or so: Sir Roger will be with thee in the twinkling of an eye. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be + there to succour me? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow + morning: do thou keep thy own secret—say nothing. I tell thee it is + absolutely necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go through + this operation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his friends, + who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose. + </h2> + <p> + Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it was + never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon this + occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a poor + disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier after a + battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after the job is over, + or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of new game, or like a + hundred such things that one sees every day. There were new intrigues, new + views, new projects, on foot. Jack's life was the purchase of Diego's + friendship; much good may it do them. The interest of Hocus and Sir + William Crawley which was now more at heart, made this operation upon poor + Jack absolutely necessary. You may easily guess that his rest that night + was but small, and much disturbed; however, the remaining part of his time + he did not employ (as his custom was formerly) in prayer, meditation, or + singing a double verse of a Psalm, but amused himself with disposing of + his bank stock. Many a doubt, many a qualm, overspread his clouded + imagination: "Must I then," quoth he, "hang up my own personal, natural, + individual self with these two hands! Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut + down, as my friends tell me? There is something infamous in the very + attempt; the world will conclude I had a guilty conscience. Is it possible + that good man, Sir Roger, can have so much pity upon an unfortunate + scoundrel that has persecuted him so many years? No, it cannot be; I don't + love favours that pass through Don Diego's hands. On the other side, my + blood chills about my heart at the thought of these rogues with their + bloody hands pulling out my very entrails. Hang it, for once I'll trust my + friends." So Jack resolved; but he had done more wisely to have put + himself upon the trial of his country, and made his defence in form; many + things happen between the cup and the lip—witnesses might have been + bribed, juries managed, or prosecution stopped. But so it was, Jack for + this time had a sufficient stock of implicit faith, which led him to his + ruin, as the sequel of the story shows. + </p> + <p> + And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging + experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to see it + put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong, tough rope, made + of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp, compactly twisted together, + with a noose that slipped as glib as a birdcatcher's gin. Jack shrank and + grew pale at first sight of it; he handled it, he measured it, stretched + it, fixed it against the iron bar of the window to try its strength, but + no familiarity could reconcile him to it. He found fault with the length, + the thickness, and the twist; nay, the very colour did not please him. + "Will nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack. "Won't my enemies take + bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of a fine, or be satisfied + with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round whipping, or burning in + the cheek?" + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste, + else we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the rogues. + How they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast prevented + their revenge and hanged thine own self. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is there + never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are not so + unlike but it may pass. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—That can never be put upon Sir Roger. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a very + sharp knife, in case of the worst? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can + happen to your person; your friends will take care of that. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely: besides, I + don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may be stifled all of + a sudden. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might have + been over before this time. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for + fear of the worst: have a little patience. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly + creature. + </p> + <p> + JACK.—O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I + ever imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance? How + will my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself outdone in his + own calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me the practice. + </p> + <p> + No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true courage, he + tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and mounted upon the + bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often graced in his prosperous + days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away, and left poor Jack swinging + like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The fatal noose performed its office, + and with most strict ligature squeezed the blood into his face till it + assumed a purple dye. While the poor man heaved from the very bottom of + his belly for breath, Habakkuk walked with great deliberation into both + the upper and lower room, to acquaint his friends, who received the news + with great temper, and with jeers and scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has + hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us go and see how the poor rogue + swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir Roger," quoth Habakkuk, "Jack + has hanged himself; make haste and cut him down." Sir Roger turned first + one ear and then the other, not understanding what he said. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—I tell you Jack has hanged himself up. + </p> + <p> + SIR ROGER.—Who's hanged? + </p> + <p> + HAB.—Jack. + </p> + <p> + SIR ROGER.—I thought this had not been hanging day. + </p> + <p> + HAB.—But the poor fellow has hanged himself. + </p> + <p> + SIR ROGER.—Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has + been mad these twenty years. + </p> + <p> + With this he slunk away. + </p> + <p> + Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't you go + and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why don't you?" "Not + I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I," quoth a third; "he may + hang till doomsday before I relieve him!" Nay, it is credibly reported + that they were so far from succouring their poor friend in this his dismal + circumstance, that Ptschirnsooker and several of his companions went in + and pulled him by the legs, and thumped him on the breast. Then they began + to rail at him for the very thing which they had advised and justified + before, viz., his getting into the old gentlewoman's family, and putting + on her livery. The keeper who performed the last office coming up, found + Jack swinging, with no life in him. He took down the body gently and laid + it on a bulk, and brought out the rope to the company. "This, gentlemen, + is the rope that hanged Jack; what must be done with it?" Upon which they + ordered it to be laid among the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is + called Jack's rope to this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some + small tokens of life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total + recovery, with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion. + The coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non + compos. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull. + </h2> + <h3> + During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was entertaining + John Bull. + </h3> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of + the sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir Roger. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—What's the matter now? + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have + justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness of + constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the means to + escape. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—What then? + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would + have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my + persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Who told you that Sir Roger has done so? + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services + deserve a better return. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor + scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for + thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I + desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the + north country into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, + the fellow seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody + turned his head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the + government of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or + without doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: + nevertheless, tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind + his business for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will + find that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition. + </p> + <p> + DON DIEGO.—Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can + recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. + She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound + to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three + troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted, + will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, + your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she + has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to recommend + themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, + understands a little of a pulse. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * New clamours about the danger of the Church. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * At the Congress of Utrecht. +</pre> + <p> + Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis + Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic. + asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to steal + a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip a short + note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's pocket, with + a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had the curiosity to + retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he + found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his interest and + reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly + that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me + talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee + satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense + quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with + nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!" + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the + negotiation into their hands. +</pre> + <p> + In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his + guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command; that + he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the people of + his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, + were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he threatened,* "That + he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down + upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and + break up the Meeting." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without + the help of the English. +</pre> + <p> + I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he + read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, + but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this fellow," quoth + he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last master, because I + thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was no sooner safe under my + protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal like the devil. When I + first set him up in a warm house he had hardly put up his sign when he + began to debauch my best customers from me. *Then it was his constant + practice to rob my fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade + with the fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me + that they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because it + lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down my fences, + robbed my orchards, and beat my servants." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, + fishery, East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these + accounts. +</pre> + <p> + "When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, lie, + and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will nothing cure thee + of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced some time or other to + chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and threatened me, and was well + thwacked for his pains. But I think his behaviour at this time worst of + all; after I have almost drowned myself to keep his head above water, he + would leave me sticking in the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me + out. After I have beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a + plague to him! he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him + here to end matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by + deed and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he + has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather grapes from + thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is a tradesman, a + self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all this, John? The + reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and he receives them; the + first produces love, and the last ingratitude. Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a + damned dog, that's certain; thou knowest too well that I will take care of + thee, else thou wouldst not use me thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; + but as true as it is, thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable + custom." While John was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the + following protestation:— + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen,—I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a + very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is very angry + with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish bargains. Now I + declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns to + his quiet, but the care of his interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* + that are embarked with us, keeps me from entering into this composition. + What shall become of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending + ruin disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for + themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't make two + words of it." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Allies. +</pre> + <p> + John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, and + withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat + quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. Nic. answered + little to that, but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle. Upon the + first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room, and began to + surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a + modester simile, like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes + into the country. One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a + third hallooed in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been + taken from their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase. + Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for them; that + he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All agreed in one common + demand that he should be purged, sweated, vomited, and starved, till he + came to a sizeable bulk like that of his neighbours. One modestly asked + him leave to call him brother. Nic. Frog demanded two things—to be + his porter and his fishmonger, to keep the keys of his gates and furnish + the kitchen. John's sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants + sing psalms a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, + shoes and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles. + </p> + <p> + "Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some breeding; for + God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, that they would speak + but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of hands, and as many + tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate." John begged they might + proceed with some method; then they stopped all of a sudden and would not + say a word. "If this be your play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a + Quaker's dumb meeting, let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of + rouly-pouly or a country dance? What if we should have a match at + football? I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts. + </h2> + <h3> + JOHN BULL.—During this general cessation of talk, what if you and I, + Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us? + </h3> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus + audit; he knows how the money was disbursed. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it + between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. There + have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,000 pounds and 40,000 + crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion. + </p> + <p> + NIC FROG.—Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you + pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and square, as + you call it. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Well, go on. + </p> + <p> + NIC FROG.—Two-thirds of 36,000 pounds are 24,000 pounds for your + share, and there remains 12,000 for mine. Again, of the 40,000 crowns I + pay 24,000, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,000, which is + two-fifths; 24,000 crowns make 6,000 pounds, and 16,000 crowns make 4,000 + pounds; 12,000 and 16,000 make 18,000, 24,000 and 4,000 make 28,000. So + there are 18,000 pounds to my share of the expenses, and 28,000 to yours. + </p> + <p> + After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,000 and the 28,000, + John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and taking from + his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the balance always on his + own side. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble in + the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will produce you my + accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; and here I begin + with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law terms + right. + </p> + <p> + [John reads.] + </p> + <p> + For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne judges, + lawyers innumerable of all sorts:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Of extraordinaries, as follows per account.. + To Esquire South's account for post terminums.. + To ditto for non est factums.. + To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit.. + For writs of error.. + Suits of conditions unperformed.. + To Hocus for dedimus protestatem.. + To ditto for a capias ad computandum.. + To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas.. + On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas.. + To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent + and nulla habet bona.. + To —— for a pardon in forma pauperis.. + To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se.. + To coach-hire.. + For treats to juries and witnesses.. +</pre> + <p> + John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, brought in + Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 shillings. + </p> + <p> + Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read. + </p> + <p> + Nicholas Frog's Account. + </p> + <p> + Remains to be deducted out of the former Account. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit + .. + To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto.. + To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all + laid out.. + The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods + during the + time of this lawsuit.. + For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this + lawsuit.. + To Major Ab... + To Major Will... +</pre> + <p> + And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. Frog, + 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one + already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take care of + my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are most unreasonable + deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man in the world my debtor. + But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money? I find + they always run away with the balance in all accounts. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done + me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater + ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this lawsuit. + It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and thy + positiveness. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount + on my side in a little time. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry + sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull? I + wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where art thou? It used to + go another-guess manner in thy time. When a poor man has almost undone + himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that + thy conscience, John? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest + thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy + expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a + farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an eating-house, where + the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap or run. If it were well + reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of + thy own. However, if thou wilt needs plead poverty, own at least that thy + accounts are false. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The money spent in Holland and Flanders. +</pre> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest + gentlemen—let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his + mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to go on + with our lawsuit. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think + that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for all, John + Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires shall give him + the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side, or has an inch + of broadcloth in his shop. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I am + sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these + strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin some + time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has departed + in despite of Court. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., + to turn barretter in thy old days—a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst + thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt repent + this. + </p> + <p> + But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he + should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the + composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," quoth John, "I + shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them, take it up who + dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers that + vouch for one another's honesty. John, look to thyself; old Lewis makes + reasonable offers. When thou hast spent the small pittance that is left, + thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. + Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude. If they use thee thus + when they want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? I say + again, John, look to thyself." + </p> + <p> + John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a little + time he should give them law, or something better. + </p> + <p> + ALL.—*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years + towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, sir! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Clamours for continuing the war. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want, + that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home.* + </h2> + <p> + Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and + there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that John + thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He resolved to + traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own family. He + had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most extravagant + conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and wore a dagger in + one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold his wife and children + to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a + parish-boy; that if they did not look after their master, he would do some + very mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising + scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was somewhat + extraordinary. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Clamours about the danger of the succession. +</pre> + <p> + He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him "That + she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew what he + intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou art not run + mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That may be," quoth + Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till I know whether + you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, + Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then." Then he called John + the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be + offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't + give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle for me." + "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust my throat in + such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick the butler?" "Look ye," quoth + Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in my calling, d'you see, but there + are strange reports, and plain-dealing is best, d'ye see. I must be + satisfied if you intend to leave all to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is + still your executor, d'ye see. If you will not satisfy me as to these + points you may drink with the ducks." "And so I will," quoth John, "rather + than keep a butler that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the + shoemaker, and Pricket the tailor, told him they would most willingly + serve him in their several stations if he would promise them never to talk + with Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his + concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were + not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I + hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too. + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were + dead? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is + amazing! + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder + him. + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—But will you make it sure? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I + can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him. + </p> + <p> + ANDREW.—Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. + They say it is eleven points of the law. + </p> + <p> + John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired about + the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating potion, + or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith," quoth Harry, + "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little aurum potabile. You + will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce spoken the word when + another friend of John's accosted him after the following manner:— + </p> + <p> + "Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety as + I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you will + have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?" + </p> + <p> + John now began to be diverted with their extravagance. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all + new to me. + </p> + <p> + FRIEND.—It is evident to all that are versed in history that there + were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it + plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of + intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to have + any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is much the + same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John + to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and + children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane + in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do + mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief, he + ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself and some + other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose from Nic. + Frog, the executor of his will and testament. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—And this is your sorites, you say? + </p> + <p> + With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish it. + Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get out, + they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of them dropped + very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by others of the + family. + </p> + <p> + "That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much + concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or that + I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really cannot but + applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty sort of a trick, + but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what passed + between them. * + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Private negotiations about Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter was + not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen of the + university of Grub Street. + </p> + <p> + John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the better + of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great steadiness of + mind to pursue his own interest through all impediments that were thrown + in the way. He began to leave off some of his old acquaintance, his + roaring and bullying about the streets. He put on a serious air, knit his + brows, and, for the time, had made a very considerable progress in + politics, considering that he had been kept a stranger to his own affairs. + However, he could not help discovering some remains of his nature when he + happened to meet with a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir + Roger was sure to take him to task. John was walking about his room with + folded arms and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him + word that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got an + impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was afraid to + venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of grace. "Let him + come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my point, and he can never + over-reach me." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my + behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you + will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I was fond + of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear in my body + many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as good a warehouse + and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, though I say it. But a + contentious temper, flattering servants, and unfortunate stars have + brought me into circumstances that are not unknown to you. These my + misfortunes are heightened by domestic calamities. That I need not relate. + I am a poor old battered fellow, and I would willingly end my days in + peace. But, alas! I see but small hopes of that, for every new + circumstance affords an argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. + Formerly I was to be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am + too weak to resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed + when too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a + gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as you + think fit. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your + neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let it + suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been rolling a + great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come tumbling down + till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing is best. If you have + any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you fib and + when you speak truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed + accordingly. But since at present I know of none such, it is better that + you should trust me than that I should trust you. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us + tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at + this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have + something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it is + concluded. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—To show you I deal fairly, name your something. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has + been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I shall have it to my own self? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—To thine own self. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, + you say? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Just so. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, + speedily? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—When you please; what needs more words? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy + equivocals and mentals in this case? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is + believing. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old + boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to meddle + with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old boy? + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of + Lord Strutt. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—And my interest was concerned in the other. But let us + drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, whether I am + more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord Strutt. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I + shall carry my broadcloth to market, old boy. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! + Remember that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered thee some + years ago? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst + not give it me. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by + downright nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have believed I + intended to give, else why would they not make the experiment? But I can + tell you more of that matter than perhaps you know at present. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and + the rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain + knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of + ceremony; he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of names + have been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, however, we + are engaged in one common cause, and I must look after him. + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the + plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he endeavours to + vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull and the lawsuit. + </h2> + <p> + Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended + henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no stone + unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he wrote a most + obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair character. + </p> + <p> + "DEAR FRIEND,—When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with + from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, but + upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to reproach + myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. You no sooner set + this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, and prevented your very + wishes; and the affair might have been ended before now, had it not been + for the greater concerns of Esquire South and the other poor creatures + embarked in the same common cause, whose safety touches me to the quick. + You seemed a little jealous that I had dealt unfairly with you in + money-matters, till it appeared by your own accounts that there was + something due to me upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so plain + a demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with your + reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest servants in + my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have always, as far as + in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to be dutiful; not that I + any way meddle in your domestic affairs, which were very unbecoming for me + to do. If some of your servants express their great concern for you in a + manner that is not so very polite, you ought to impute it to their + extraordinary zeal, which deserves a reward rather than a reproof. You + cannot reproach me for want of success at the 'Salutation,' since I am not + master of the passions and interests of other folks. I have beggared + myself with this lawsuit, undertaken merely in complaisance to you; and if + you would have had but a little patience, I had still greater things in + reserve, that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have said + will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable jealousies, and that + we may have no more meetings at the 'Salutation,' spending our time and + money to no purpose. My concern for your welfare and prosperity almost + makes me mad. You may be assured I will continue to be + </p> + <p> + "Your affectionate + </p> + <p> + "Friend and Servant, + </p> + <p> + "Nic. Frog."* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Substance of the States letter. +</pre> + <p> + John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth John, + "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he could now make + a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one for other folks. "My + shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is nearer. Whilst I take care + of the welfare of other folks, nobody can blame me to apply a little + balsam to my own sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a man to do + his own business; a man has such a tender concern for himself, there's + nothing like it. This is somewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be + standing in the market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's paws upon his + head. What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur Nic. Frog, though + John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and Machiavels, he can see + as far into a mill-stone as another." With that John began to chuckle and + laugh till he was like to have burst his sides. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire South, + which John Bull overheard.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for + continuing the war, and getting the property of Flanders. +</pre> + <p> + John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; he + repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter gently to + his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the Esquire in a + very pleasant conference. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That + John Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so long, + should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no more money for + me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking temper, should be kept + out of their own! + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the + rogue should be compelled to his duty. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust + and dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family! + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly lick + himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should prefer Philip + Baboon's custom to Esquire South's. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much + by the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever know + any man's tradesman serve him so before? + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very + unusual proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the world. + If your honour had not a great stock of moderation and patience, you would + not bear it so well as you do. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I + will be revenged. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do + not all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a master + you are. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this + world. It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as thyself in so + critical a juncture. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. Frog + never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, I'll warrant + ye. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest + man among a thousand at last. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to + wed me still closer to your interest. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Tell me quickly, dear Nic. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—You know I am your tenant; the difference between my + lease and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not grudge + your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; besides, it will + make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be able to manage him then + to some purpose. + </p> + <p> + ESQUIRE SOUTH.—Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's + content. + </p> + <p> + John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and laughed + heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the Esquire, and the + sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden bolting into the room, he + began to tell them that he believed he had brought Lewis to reasonable + terms, if they would please to hear them. + </p> + <p> + Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire South + and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some stamped with + their feet, others stopped their ears with their fingers. + </p> + <p> + "Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for a + while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are + reasonable." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + ALL.—Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he + will put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—When Frog took possession of anything, it was always said + to be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. Frog was us? + I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity than Nic. Frog; or, + take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast preached up for many + years was that thou and I are one; and why must we be supposed two in this + case, that were always one before? It's impossible that thou and I can + fall out, Nic.; we must trust one another. I have trusted thee with a + great many things—prithee trust me with this one trifle. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—That principle is true in the main, but there is some + speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us both. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow + between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., that + would make us mistrustful of one another! + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as + peaceable as a lamb. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and + soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to accept of + such a quagmire. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I must + be e'en content to take it as it is. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—And you are really so silly as to believe the old + cheating rogue will give it you? + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall by + that. I am resolved to put him to it. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a + claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping + pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee something to + take it off my hands. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient temper + of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all that. What + shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his paternal estates + and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do thy heart good, to see + thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? Then thou and thy wife and + children should walk in my gardens, buy toys, drink lemonade, and now and + then we should have a country dance. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Claypool, Paris—Lutetia. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in Ecclesdown + Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis gives this as a pledge + of his sincerity; if you won't stop proceeding to hear him, I will. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of Ecclesdown + Castle.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of + Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his pity; + he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave his wife and + children in a starving condition, if John did abandon him; that he was + hardly able to crawl about the room, far less capable to look after such a + troublesome business as this lawsuit, and therefore begged that his good + friend would not leave him. When he saw that John was still inexorable, he + pulled out a case-knife, with which he used to snicker-snee, and + threatened to cut his own throat. Thrice he aimed the knife to his + windpipe with a most determined threatening air. "What signifies life," + quoth he, "in this languishing condition? It will be some pleasure that my + friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous man that has been the + cause of it." All this while John looked sedate and calm, neither offering + in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop his blow, trusting to the + tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When he perceived that John was + immovable in his purpose, he applied himself to Lewis. + </p> + <p> + "Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a sharper + in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown Castle to John + Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it me, and I'll make it + worth thy while. If thou dislikest that proposition, keep it thyself; I'd + rather thou shouldst have it than he. If thou hearkenest not to my advice, + take what follows; Esquire South and I will go on with our lawsuit in + spite of John Bull's teeth." + </p> + <p> + LEWIS BABOON.—Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am + resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the consequences. + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.—With + that Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your nimblest + tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to snatch the + cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis with it: John held + it fast so that there was no wrenching it from him. At last Squire South + buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.: John hauled on one side, and they + two on the other. Sometimes they were like to pull John over, then it went + all of a sudden again on John's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, + from one end of the room to the other. Down tumbled the tables, bottles, + glasses, and tobacco-pipes; the wine and the tobacco were all spilt about + the room, and the little fellows were almost trod under foot, till more of + the tradesmen joining with Nic. and the Squire, John was hardly able to + pull against then all, yet would he never quit hold of his trusty cudgel: + which by the contrary force of two so great powers broke short in his + hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, and with it began to bastinado old + Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, waiting the event of this squabble. + Nic. came up to him with an insolent menacing air, so that the old fellow + was forced to scuttle out of the room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He + called to Nic., "Thou insolent jackanapes, time was when thou durst not + have used me so; thou now takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I + am, I shall find a weapon by-and-by to chastise thy impudence." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The army. + + ** The separation of the army. +</pre> + <p> + When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with Nic.: + "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy great complaints; + really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for a consumptive man. As + for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do thee any service, I freely + make over to thee this profitable lawsuit, and I desire all these + gentlemen to bear witness to this my act and deed. Yours be all the gain, + as mine has been the charges. I have brought it to bear finely: however, + all I have laid out upon it goes for nothing—thou shalt have it with + all its appurtenances; I ask nothing but leave to go home." + </p> + <p> + NIC. FROG.—The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a + trial; thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded in thy + name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are shut, the + turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as + open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what can I + expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through those very + grounds that I have purchased with my own money. However, I am glad I have + made the experiment; it may serve me in some stead. + </p> + <p> + John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of + Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am just + a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting." + </p> + <p> + Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, + and that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their belly full + of law. + </p> + <p> + Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with disdain, and + beckoned the lawyers to follow him. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't + you shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.—With that John marched out + of the common road, across the country, to take possession of Ecclesdown. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got possession + of Ecclesdown.* + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Dunkirk. +</pre> + <p> + When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his plank + after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer says, was as + glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after hearing a long cause + upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was equal to that of either of + the two; he skipped from room to room, ran up-stairs and down-stairs, from + the kitchen to the garrets, and from the garrets to the kitchen; he peeped + into every cranny; sometimes he admired the beauty of the architecture and + the vast solidity of the mason's work; at other times he commended the + symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about the gardens; he + bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and beating the liquid + element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded with the sprightly + violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped it about, and capered + like hailstones bounding from a marble floor. Wine, ale, and October flew + about as plentifully as kennel-water. Then a frolic took John in the head + to call up some of Nic. Frog's pensioners that had been so mutinous in his + family. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle? + </p> + <p> + ALL.—Yes, indeed, sir. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Extremely glad? + </p> + <p> + ALL.—Extremely glad, sir. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Swear to me that you are so. + </p> + <p> + Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person in the + world rejoiced more than they did. + </p> + <p> + JOHN BULL.—Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of + perjured rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your master's + health. + </p> + <p> + Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to Nic. + Frog.— + </p> + <p> + "How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause goes on + swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, Nic.? Wilt thou + buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my daughters? How comest + thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old Lewis given thee a rap over thy + fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a good one when I wielded it, but the + butt-end remains in my hands. I am so busy in packing up my goods that I + have no time to talk with thee any longer. It would do thy heart good to + see what wagon-loads I am preparing for market. If thou wantest any good + office of mine, for all that has happened I will use thee well, Nic. B'ye, + Nic." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + POSTSCRIPT. + </h2> + <p> + It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir + Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By diligent + inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which appear to be a + continuation of it, and are as follow:— + </p> + <p> + CHAP. I.—How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. How + he kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and down-stairs, and + put himself in a great Heat thereby. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. II.—How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's + head with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping the + blow, by laying his Head upon the Dresser. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. III.—How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House + with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. IV.—Of the Methods by which John endeavoured to preserve the + Peace amongst his Neighbours. How he kept a pair of Stillyards to weigh + them, and by Diet, Purging, Vomiting, and Bleeding, tried to bring them to + equal Bulk and Strength. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. V.—Of False Accounts of the Weights given in by some of the + Journeymen, and of the Newmarket Tricks that were practised at the + Stillyards. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. VI.—How John's New Journeymen brought him other guess Accounts + of the Stillyards. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. VII.—How Sir Swain Northy* was, by Bleeding, Purging, and a + Steel Diet, brought into a Consumption, and how John was forced afterwards + to give him the Gold Cordial. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * King of Sweden. +</pre> + <p> + CHAP. VIII.—How Peter Bear* was overfed, and afterwards refused to + submit to the course of Physic. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Czar of Muscovy. +</pre> + <p> + CHAP. IX.—How John pampered Esquire South with Tit-bits, till he + grew wanton; how he got drunk with Calabrian Wine, and longed for Sicilian + Beef, and how John carried him thither in his barge. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. X.—How the Esquire, from a foul-feeder, grew dainty: how he + longed for Mangoes, Spices, and Indian Birds' Nests, etc., and could not + sleep but in a Chintz Bed. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XI.—The Esquire turned Tradesman; how he set up a China Shop* + over against Nic. Frog. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Ostend Company. +</pre> + <p> + CHAP. XII.—How he procured Spanish Flies to blister his Neighbours, + and as a Provocative to himself. As likewise how he carried off Nic. + Frog's favourite Daughter. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XIII.—How Nic. Frog, hearing the Girl squeak, went to call + John Bull as a Constable. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XIV.—How John rose out of his Bed on a cold Morning to prevent + a Duel between Esq. South and Lord Strutt; how, to his great surprise, he + found the Combatants drinking Geneva in a Brandy Shop, with Nic.'s + favourite Daughter between them; how they both fell upon John, so that he + was forced to fight his way out. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XV.—How John came with his Constable's Staff to rescue Nic.'s + Daughter, and break the Esquire's China Ware. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XVI.—Commentary upon the Spanish Proverb, "Time and I against + any Two;" or Advice to Dogmatical Politicians exemplified in some New + Affairs between John Bull and Lewis Baboon. + </p> + <p> + CHAP. XVII.—A Discourse of the delightful Game of Quadrille. How + Lewis Baboon attempted to play a Game Solo in Clubs, and was bested; how + John called Lewis for his King, and was afraid that his own Partner should + have too many tricks; and how the Success and Skill of Quadrille depends + upon calling a right King. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The History of John Bull, by John Arbuthnot + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL *** + +***** This file should be named 2643-h.htm or 2643-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/4/2643/ + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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