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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of This Giddy Globe, by Oliver Herford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: This Giddy Globe
+
+Author: Oliver Herford
+
+Release Date: July 14, 2008 [EBook #26053]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THIS GIDDY GLOBE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst, Anne Storer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ THIS GIDDY GLOBE
+
+ OLIVER HERFORD
+
+
+
+
+ [Illustration: PETER SIMPLE, F.T.G.
+               K. Mosely, Sculp.]
+
+
+
+
+ THIS
+ GIDDY GLOBE
+
+ BY
+
+ PETER SIMPLE, F.T.G.
+ FELLOW OF THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE
+
+
+ EDITED AND ILLUSTRATED BY
+ OLIVER HERFORD, V. D. W. A.
+
+ [_"Very delightful wit and artist."_
+                   _--Woodrow Wilson_]
+
+
+ NEW YORK
+ GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+ COPYRIGHT, 1919,
+ BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
+
+
+ PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
+
+
+
+
+ TO
+ PRESIDENT WILSON
+ [_With all his faults he quotes me still._]
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+ .............................................................
+
+ .............................................................
+
+ .............................................................
+
+
+[_The Preface, which is strictly private and concerns only ourselves
+and the Reader, has been removed to another part of the book._]
+
+
+
+
+The Author makes due Acknowledgment to Charles Scribner's Sons for the
+use of certain verses, and to Miss Cecilia Loftus for her series of
+Perfect Day Pictures.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+ PART I: WHY IS THE GLOBE
+
+ CHAPTER                             PAGE
+
+       I THE CREATION                  15
+         PREFACE                       19
+      II A LONG JUMP                   20
+     III THE GIDDY GLOBE               23
+      IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE          25
+       V THE EQUATOR                   28
+      VI THE EARTH'S CRUST             30
+     VII THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE  32
+    VIII THE AGE OF THE GLOBE          35
+      IX THE FACE OF THE GLOBE         38
+       X CLIMATE AND WEATHER           44
+      XI LAND AND WATER                47
+     XII THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD    51
+    XIII THE HABITABLE GLOBE           52
+     XIV THE TENANTS                   54
+      XV RACE                          56
+     XVI GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE      58
+    XVII THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE 61
+
+ PART II: THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH
+
+   XVIII THE POLES                     65
+     XIX AMERICA                       70
+      XX BOSTON                        75
+     XXI THE UNITED STATES             78
+    XXII CANADA                        83
+   XXIII GREAT BRITAIN                 86
+    XXIV SCOTLAND                      90
+     XXV IRELAND                       92
+    XXVI WALES                         96
+
+ PART III: FOREIGN COUNTRIES
+
+   XXVII SOUTH AMERICA                101
+  XXVIII HOLLAND                      103
+    XXIX BELGIUM                      106
+     XXX FRANCE                       109
+    XXXI GERMANY                      111
+   XXXII SWITZERLAND                  112
+  XXXIII MONACO                       113
+   XXXIV TURKEY                       114
+    XXXV RUSSIA                       117
+   XXXVI NORWAY AND SWEDEN            119
+  XXXVII AFRICA                       122
+ XXXVIII ARABIA                       126
+   XXXIX AUSTRALIA                    129
+      XL CHINA                        131
+     XLI JAPAN                        133
+    XLII EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN,
+           GREECE, ETC.               134
+         EPILOGUE                     136
+         APPENDIX                     137
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+THIS GIDDY GLOBE
+
+
+
+
+PART I
+
+WHY IS THE GLOBE?
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+THE CREATION
+
+    _Six busy days it took in all_
+    _To make a World and plan its fall,_
+    _The seventh, SOMEONE said 'twas good_
+    _And rested, should you think he could?_
+    _Knowing what the result would be_
+    _There would have been no rest for me!_
+                         _Claire Beecher Kummer._
+
+
+It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses,
+it took to create the World which it is the Geographer's business to
+describe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of created
+beings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment on
+his own work.
+
+Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of Hypothetic
+Nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a
+Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic just
+as the work of Creation was finished.
+
+Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that Critic's reception of
+the freshly made World?
+
+We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking;
+technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green
+instead of the proper purple; the tinting of the sky which any landscape
+painter will tell you would be more decorative done in turquoise green
+than cobalt blue.
+
+Like the foolish Butterfly in the Talmud, who (to impress Mrs.
+Butterfly) stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's Temple,
+our Critic might have declared the World "Too flimsy in construction."
+He would certainly have found fault with the Solar System and the
+Plumbing--the absence of heat in Winter when there is the greater need
+of it and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it never
+rains.
+
+The comicality of the Ape family might have provoked a reluctant
+smile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descending
+to caricature in a serious work.
+
+ [Illustration: THE FIRST CALENDAR
+ The Creation of Heaven & Earth _in Six dayes_ _Gen: I_
+
+ THE YEAR I
+ 1st Sunday          1st Wednesday
+ 1st Monday          1st Thursday
+ 1st Tuesday         1st Friday]
+
+At best, our Critic would have pronounced the freshly made World the
+work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he "showed promise" and
+"might go far," and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he would
+pretend that he had penetrated the veil of Anonymity and hint darkly
+that he detected evident traces of a Feminine Touch!
+
+In that, however, our Critic would only have been anticipating, for is
+there not at this very moment on the press a Suffrage edition (for women
+only) of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse is amended to read thus--
+
+    _The ball no question makes of Ayes or Nos,_
+    _But right or left, as strikes the Player goes,_
+    _And SHE who tossed it down into the field,_
+    _SHE knows about it all, SHE knows, SHE knows!_
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+_STRICTLY PRIVATE_
+
+_For the Reader Only_
+
+
+DEAR READER:
+
+This is for _you_, and you only. We have concealed it between chapters
+one and two so that it will not meet any eye but yours.
+
+We have a confession to make--it would be useless to attempt
+concealment--we have the Digression habit.
+
+We have tried every known remedy but we fear it is incurable.
+
+All we ask, Gentle Reader, is that when we stray too far you will favour
+us with a gentle reminder.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+A LONG JUMP
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography,
+to Peter Simple.
+
+When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the
+fearsome list of Geographers he has skipped--Strabo, Anaximander,
+Hecatoeus, Demoeritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicoearchus, Erastothenes,
+Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King,--he may well be thankful to
+find he has fallen upon his feet.
+
+The Geographer's task is endless.
+
+The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its
+appearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearer
+completion than it was in the beginning.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into new
+shapes, as a child bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file away
+the mountains into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean busy insects
+are building the foundations of new continents and, under the earth,
+Fiery Demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroy
+the old ones.
+
+It really begins to look as if this Planet would never be finished.
+
+In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only
+two people in the world.
+
+Today we are preparing to put up the "standing room only" notice. In
+another thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going round
+dark and tenantless and bearing the sign "To Let." What does it matter
+to us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth?
+Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+THE GIDDY GLOBE
+
+
+Men of Science, who delight in applying harsh terms to things that
+cannot talk back, have called this Giddy Globe an Oblate Spheroid.
+
+Francis Bacon called it a Bubble; Shakespeare, an Oyster; Rossetti, a
+Midge; and W. S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a Ball--
+
+    _Roll on, thou ball, roll on!_
+    _Through pathless realms of Space_
+          _Roll on!_
+    _What though I'm in a sorry case?_
+    _What though I cannot meet my bills?_
+    _What though I suffer toothache's ills?_
+    _What though I swallow countless pills?_
+          _Never you mind_
+          _Roll on!_
+                (_It rolls on._)
+
+But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged (even
+paid) to distort the language, and they must not be taken too
+literally.
+
+The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese.
+
+Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles. In the
+hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, but
+though she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an
+hour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in
+taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over.
+
+No wonder the globe is giddy!
+
+
+_QUESTIONS_
+
+_Explain the Nebular Hypothesis._
+
+_State briefly the electromagnetical constituents of the Aurora
+Borealis, and explain their relation to the Hertzian Waves._
+
+_Define the difference between the Hertzian Wave and the Marcel Wave._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+THE USE OF THE GLOBE
+
+
+What is the Earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the Earth was made to
+supply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earth
+herself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer the
+question.
+
+ [Illustration: THE FRIENDLY COW.
+ From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker.
+
+ Owing to the high price of living the cow was partially eaten by the
+ author before the photograph could be taken.]
+
+To be sure the Earth produces the Tobacco Plant, and many other things
+that we classify among the needs of Man, including the "Friendly Cow"--
+
+    _She walks among the flowers sweet_
+      _And chews and chews and chews,_
+    _And turns them into friendly meat,_
+      _And pleasant boots and shoes._
+
+But the "Friendly Cow" may in her secret heart regard the classification
+as anything but friendly. For all we know, in the hidden scheme of
+Creation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into
+the Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin), descending through the
+Ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment.
+
+And the Tobacco Plant? In the course of time there may be no Tobacco
+Plant.
+
+Should the American People be again tempted to wage a World War for
+Freedom, they may find on their return that the Tobacco Plants have gone
+to join the Grape Vines of California!
+
+Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in Hea----*
+
+                                         * The Author _is_ digressing.
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+
+_QUESTIONS_
+
+_What is "Friendship"?_
+
+_Why is the Cow "friendly"?_
+
+_Is the Oyster friendly?_
+
+_When Prohibition is applied to tobacco will cigars containing less than
+one-half of one per cent tobacco be permitted?_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+THE EQUATOR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+The Earth is self-centred. Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettes
+round her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour.
+
+We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size of
+her waist, has never been able to see it.
+
+To anyone with a waist measurement of twenty-five thousand miles the
+very existence of toes is purely problematical.
+
+To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would be
+impossible even if it could be of any use. Instead, therefore, the
+Earth wears round her middle an imaginary line called the Equator.
+
+To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depicted
+the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way
+hampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertaining
+to feminine attire.
+
+Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of
+self-esteem.
+
+Other Spheres of equal or greater importance are referred to as
+"Luminaries" and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of furnishing
+light when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged.
+
+    _Oh would some Power the giftie gie her_
+    _To see, as other Planets see her!_
+
+
+_QUESTIONS_
+
+_Can an imaginary line be said to exist?_
+
+_If not, why does it need an excuse for existence?_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE EARTH'S CRUST
+
+
+Matter-of-fact Geologists speak of the Earth's Crust as if there were
+only one Crust.
+
+Thoughtful people (like ourselves) who can read between imaginary lines,
+know that there are (as in a pie) two Crusts, the Upper Crust and the
+Under Crust.
+
+The Upper Crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich and
+agreeable and much sought after.
+
+The Under Crust is soggy and disagreeable. The only apparent reason for
+its existence is to hold up the Upper Crust.
+
+To quote the eminent Nonsensologist Gelett Burgess--
+
+    _The Upper Crust is light as snow_
+      _And gay with sugar-rime;_
+    _The Under Crust must stay below,_
+      _It has a horrid time._
+
+When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavy
+for the popular taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crust
+becomes the Upper Crust.
+
+These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions.
+
+You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to have
+in one's system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't seem to mind it in the
+least.
+
+Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate of
+a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter.
+
+The latest specimen of Acrobatic Pastry is after a Russian recipe.
+
+The Bolshevik Pie has no Upper Crust at all and is declared by the
+leading Chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proof
+of the Pie is in the eating, how would you like to try just a----*
+
+                                           * Take it away, or we won't
+                                             read another word!
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+Oh, very well! We never did care much for pie anyway, not even for
+breakfast.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+THE TEMPERATURE OF THE GLOBE
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+In spite of incessant and violent exercise, the Giddy Globe (as we have
+remarked before) is unable to keep comfortably warm all over.
+
+Her Temperature varies from intense cold at her upper and lower
+extremities to fever heat in the region of her equatorial diaphragm.
+
+Ancient Geographers indicated these variations of temperature by means
+of _Zones_.
+
+The Term Zone is derived from the Greek word [Greek: zone] a Belt or
+Girdle, and a Girdle in the days of the First Geography Book was the
+principal (if not the only) garment of a well dressed person.
+
+Today, however, the Girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume.
+
+No modern Costumer would countenance such a "model," it would be too
+easy to copy and consequently unprofitable.
+
+Even the "Knee-plus-ultra" of Newport or Palm Beach Society would
+hesitate to pose for the Sunday Supplement Photographer in a one-piece
+Bathing Girdle.
+
+You might explore the World of Dress, from the Land of the Midnight
+Follies to the Uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and find nothing
+exactly like it.
+
+It is on its way, to be sure, but it will never be fashionable until--
+
+    _The two extremes of decollete_
+      _Of Ballroom and of Bathing Beach_
+    _Here meet in a bewildering way_
+      _And mingle all the charms of each._
+
+Why, then, in this up-to-date Geography Book, should we depict the Giddy
+Globe in an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary Zones?
+
+In striving to answer the question, we have hit upon a pleasing
+compromise.
+
+[Illustration: (A, E, C, D markers)]
+
+At least it is up-to-date.
+
+A. and E. are the two extremities of the Giddy Globe, which are quite
+bare.
+
+They correspond to the Frigid Zones.
+
+C. is the Corset, which being hot and uncomfortable corresponds to the
+Torrid.
+
+D. is--that is to say are----*
+
+                                     * Pardon us for interrupting--but
+                                       we thought this was to be a
+                                       geography book.
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE AGE OF THE GLOBE
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW WORLD / THE OLD WORLD]
+
+
+Some people are sensitive about their ages. The Giddy Globe has never
+told us hers.
+
+Rude men of science, after careful examination, declare she can't be a
+day under five billion years old.
+
+Theologians, ever tactful in feminine matters, set her down as a
+shrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers.
+
+Real delicacy of feeling goes with the bulging tum rather than with the
+bulging forehead; who ever saw a thin Bishop or a fat man of science!
+
+    _Happy the man with the bulging Tum,_
+    _Who smiles and smiles and is never glum!--_
+    _But alas for the man with the bulging brow,_
+    _If he wanted to smile, he wouldn't know how!_
+
+If the Giddy Globe asked _us_ to guess her age, we should say, without a
+moment's hesitation, "Whatever it is you certainly don't look it!"
+
+Astronomers may say what they like, a Planet is as old as it looks,
+especially if it is a Lady-Planet, and we have seen ours when she didn't
+look a June day over sixteen! and, not having a bulging forehead, we
+told her so!
+
+Astronomers think themselves so wise, but what do they know about the
+sex of the Planets?
+
+With the exception of Mother Earth and old Sol Phoebus,--nothing!
+
+If you asked an Astronomer whether the Pleiad girls were really the
+daughters of Atlas, or what Jupiter was doing with eight Moons (if they
+_were_ Moons), he would think you were trifling with him.
+
+But is it not possible that the old Greek tales were the garbled gossip
+of an age-forgotten science of which we have only the A.B.C.?
+
+If it is Love that makes the world go round (and who can prove that it
+isn't?), what makes the other Planets go round?
+
+How about the movements of the Heavenly Bodies?
+
+How about----*
+
+                                       * This is all very interesting,
+                                         but don't you think perhaps
+                                         it is----
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+Quite right! Quite right! how we do run on!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+THE FACE OF THE GLOBE
+
+
+There are no good photographs of the Giddy Globe; she refuses to sit.
+
+Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flighty Spheroid who
+spends her time pirouetting round in a circle with all her might and
+main.
+
+Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that the Earth spins, and not
+merely to reduce her girth as we hinted elsewhere.
+
+In these days such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious.
+
+Where does she come from?
+
+Where is she going?
+
+She refuses to answer, she will not even state her business or tell her
+real name.
+
+For aeons (quite a number of aeons) this Giddy one has been going round
+under various male and female aliases such as--Cosmos, Mother Earth, The
+World, Mrs. Grundy, the Footstool, the Terrestrial Globe.
+
+If you look up her record you will find the following press notices--
+
+ "The Earth's a thief."
+          Timon of Athens.
+
+ "Earth's bitter."
+          Wordsworth.
+
+ "This distracted Globe."
+          Hamlet.
+
+ "This tough World."
+          King Lear.
+
+ "Naughty World."
+          Merchant of Venice.
+
+ "This World is given to Lying."
+          Henry IV.
+
+ "The World is too much with us."
+          Wordsworth.
+
+ "The World is grown so bad."
+          Richard III.
+
+ "The narrow World."
+          Julius Caesar.
+
+ "The World is not thy friend."
+          Romeo and Juliet.
+
+ "The World's a bubble."
+          Bacon.
+
+ "This World is all a fleeting show."
+          Moore.
+
+ "The World was not worthy."
+          St. Paul.
+
+ "The World's a tragedy."
+          Horace Walpole.
+
+ "This bleak World."
+          Moore.
+
+ "The weary weight of all this unintelligible World."
+          Wordsworth.
+
+ "A World of vile ill-favoured faults."
+          Merry Wives of Windsor.
+
+ "Stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this World."
+          Hamlet.
+
+ "This dim spot that men call Earth."
+          Milton.
+
+ "The wicked World."
+          W. S. Gilbert.
+
+It is possible that the Giddy Globe has read the above clippings and,
+realizing that she has been discovered, spins round with all her might
+to avoid being photographed for the Rogues' Gallery of the Universe.
+
+Appearances are certainly against her.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+    _When I am moved to contemplate_
+    _The rude and unregenerate state_
+    _Of that rampageous reprobate_
+            _The World at large,_
+    _And as I mark its stony phiz_
+    _And see it whoop and whirl and whiz,_
+    _I can but cry--O Lord, why is_
+            _The World at large?_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN LONDON]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN CHICAGO]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+CLIMATE AND WEATHER
+
+
+Climate is a Theory. Weather is a condition.
+
+Or, to make it clearer to the reader, Climate is a Hypothesis and
+Weather is a _Reductio ad Absurdum_. This explains why it invariably
+snows for the first time in years whenever one goes to California.
+
+[Illustration: A TREE]
+
+What is the Weather for?
+
+Everything in Nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures
+of Mankind.
+
+From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is
+made, the wood-alcohol for our Scotch high-ball and the pulp for our
+newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our
+soldiers' boots.
+
+From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee--that
+mysterious beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been
+revealed.
+
+From the cotton plant comes the woolen under-garment and the soldier's
+blanket.
+
+From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and
+crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden
+champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty.
+
+Even the humble straw has its uses--to indicate the trend of the air
+current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver.
+
+What then is the use of the Weather?
+
+Supposing you have made a globe and put some people upon it to live.
+What would you do to make them feel at home?
+
+You would give them something to talk about.
+
+Just so--the Weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of
+conversation for Man.
+
+Without the Weather, 999,999 out of 1,000,000 conversations would die in
+their infancy.
+
+In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the
+Weather was made.
+
+Since then, nothing has been so much talked about as the Weather, and
+in nothing has so little advance been made.
+
+
+_QUESTIONS_
+
+_Is it notoriety that makes the Weather-Vane?_
+
+_Where does the Winter-Resort in Summer? And why?_
+
+_How many litres of champagne can be extracted from the cube-root of
+one turnip?_
+
+_What did the Weather do to get herself so talked about?_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+LAND AND WATER
+
+[Illustration: STEAMSHIP BATTLING WITH THE MARCEL WAVES]
+
+
+The terrestrial Globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and
+green.
+
+The blue portion is called Water and is inhabited by oysters, clams,
+submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes
+and whales.
+
+The pink, yellow and green portions are called Land and are alive with
+human beings and other animals and vegetables.
+
+[Illustration: THE COLLEGE YELL OF A SCHOOL OF WHALES]
+
+Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands,
+rivers, forests and lakes.
+
+ [Illustration: THE PRESIDENTIAL RANGE
+ Showing comparative height of principal peaks.--Reading from left to
+ right: Mt. Washington--Jefferson--Lincoln--Cleveland--Roosevelt--Wilson.
+
+ Note:--At the moment this picture was taken a war cloud drifted over
+ the last two peaks.--Until the cloud passes it will be impossible to
+ ascertain their altitudes.]
+
+In former times mountains were used as protective barriers. Today
+they serve as monuments to Public Men for whom they are named
+(_See Presidential Range_), and country seats for retired Grocers
+and Fishmongers.
+
+Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of Water.
+
+Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as
+Congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous
+shapes to get them into the countries where they belong.
+
+[Illustration: A RIVER BED]
+
+The first thing a river does after rising is to betake itself as fast as
+it can to the nearest River-Bed, in which it remains for the rest of its
+days.
+
+The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the
+single-breasted suffragette of ancient times.
+
+
+_QUESTIONS_
+
+_How many rivers can get into one river-bed?_
+
+_Why is a Congressman?_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: NOAH SIGHTING ARARAT]
+
+    When Noah saw the flood subside,
+    "The world is going dry!" he cried,
+    "So let us all, without delay,
+    Fill up against a drouthy day."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+THE DISCOVERY OF THE WORLD
+
+
+In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were
+cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000
+B.C.
+
+Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost sight of in a deluge.
+
+[Illustration: NOAH]
+
+It was re-discovered by a navigator named Noah who, though barely six
+hundred years old, was the commander of a sea-going menagerie.
+
+Commander Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days,
+landed from his zooelogical water-wagon upon a precipitous Asiatic Jag
+called Ararat on the twenty-seventh of February, 2300 B.C.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+THE HABITABLE GLOBE
+
+
+The term "Habitable Globe" was doubtless invented by some Celestial
+Humorist who had never visited this planet.
+
+People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere
+else to live.
+
+The Giddy Globe ...*
+
+                                    * Isn't it about time to drop this
+                                      personal simile?
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+... Quite so. Suppose we consider the Globe as an Apartment House.
+
+We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily
+constructed.
+
+The Heating Apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the
+Radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, and
+those between too changeable for comfort.
+
+The Water Supply is unreliable. In some apartments, great numbers
+perish every year from thirst.
+
+In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of
+regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time
+to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants.
+
+The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the
+house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints.
+When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to
+stay, nothing can stop him.
+
+His name is Tempus.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+THE TENANTS
+
+
+The first tenants (as before stated) were a young couple who had been
+compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were not
+allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated.
+
+[Illustration: POST-IMPRESSIONIST SAVAGE]
+
+On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each
+family considers itself the only respectable one in the building and
+they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable
+rooms.
+
+The tenants of the different stories, originally of one colour, have
+been tanned according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. They come
+in five shades of fast colours--Black, Brown, Yellow, Red and
+White,--the White being farthest away from the Stove.
+
+There are also some brighter colours, which are not guaranteed,--varying
+from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist Savage to the
+delicate rose-pink of the Perfect Lady.
+
+This last is the most delectable of all--but, alas, it is the one that
+fades most quickly.
+
+[Illustration: PERFECT LADY]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+RACE
+
+
+All the Families agree that the tenants of the Globe should be of one
+uniform shade.
+
+[Illustration: MILL-RACE]
+
+Each Family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only
+fitting one for the Perfect Human Being.
+
+To that end he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get
+rid of all the other tints.
+
+All of which is a great waste of centuries! Old Tempus the Janitor has
+always settled the Tint question with his Solar Stove and always will.
+
+A week at the seashore in August ought to convince anyone of the
+efficiency of the Solar Tint Factory. In the tan of the surf bather is
+locked up the secret of Race Colouration.
+
+[Illustration: BLACK-RACE]
+
+And yet there are some Great and Wise Ones who believe that Civilization
+(with the assistance of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls H. Royce and a few
+others) will bring the Race Families into such close relationship that
+they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious Neutral Tint!
+
+A pale mauve World! One tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one
+Drink, one everything.
+
+How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and
+forever which it is to be--Blonde or Brunette!
+
+Oh those Wise and Great Ones!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE
+
+
+The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth's lines:
+
+              _"The simple plan_
+    _That they should take who have the power_
+    _And they should keep who can."_
+
+In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the
+wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker,
+stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of
+remaining on earth.
+
+Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.
+
+Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.
+
+Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.
+
+In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.
+
+In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.
+
+In a Republic, they are Sold.
+
+For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is
+necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are
+managing their own affairs.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of
+Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.
+
+These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving
+squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.
+
+
+_QUESTIONS_
+
+_Q. What is a Constitution?_
+
+_A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death._
+
+_Q. What is the essential difference between one government and
+another?_
+
+_A. The price of life._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE
+
+
+According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom
+handed down to us by our First Parents.
+
+Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the
+psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous
+organism.
+
+In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural
+geographical latitude.
+
+This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in
+which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to
+differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their
+proper geographical environment.
+
+(_See Moral Map of the World._)
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+PART II
+
+THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH
+
+
+The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English
+speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.
+
+The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the
+British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.
+
+The rest are just Foreign Countries.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+THE POLES
+
+
+The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and
+South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.
+
+This chapter is about the North Pole.
+
+The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.
+
+It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.
+
+Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving
+colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.
+
+The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is
+English.
+
+The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of
+Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the
+language of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the
+footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.
+
+[Illustration: Map of THE ARCTIC OCEAN OR THE WHITE SEA]
+
+Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the
+present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.
+
+The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers,
+Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a
+well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.
+
+[Illustration: THE MAGNETIC POLE]
+
+So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by
+the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so
+successful as an advertising medium.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN NEW YORK]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PHILADELPHIA]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+AMERICA
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+Let us see America first.
+
+On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as
+the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.
+
+One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!
+
+But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared
+about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England,
+you will understand that discovering America in those days was no
+child's play.
+
+Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.
+
+How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less
+what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!
+
+[Illustration: EARLY MAP OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE]
+
+After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a
+conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.
+
+No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they
+meant.
+
+And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so
+runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.
+
+America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.
+
+Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to
+the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a
+magazine article on his Impressions of America.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is
+easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named
+Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole
+continent in his own name.
+
+By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of
+America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the
+horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.
+
+And still they come--and though it is too late to secure a copyright on
+the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of
+America.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE MAYFLOWER]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+BOSTON
+
+[Illustration: BOSTON _And Vicinity_]
+
+
+In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously
+discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in
+Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and
+Ancestors.
+
+Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the
+manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and
+canine).
+
+BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.
+
+BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN BOSTON]
+
+The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as
+
+    _"The home of the Bean and the Cod_
+    _Where Lowells speak only to Cabots_
+    _And Cabots speak only to God."_
+
+Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet
+named Ibid, but what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors?
+
+Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well
+repay a visit.
+
+Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither
+are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+THE UNITED STATES
+
+
+The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely
+surrounded by Trusts.
+
+It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful,
+nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a
+cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.
+
+So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they
+are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market
+price.
+
+To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and
+Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I.
+Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.
+
+At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been
+destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere
+long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious
+Tobac----*
+
+                                        * We fail to see what this has
+                                          to do with Geography.
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+[Illustration: A PILGRIM LANDING]
+
+Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry
+country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by
+Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population
+consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are
+Americans.
+
+[Illustration: THE ORIGINAL STRAPHANGERS]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless
+show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.
+
+A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they
+may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from
+strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.
+
+The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale
+Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim
+Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of
+the fashions for future use.
+
+The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers
+have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly
+exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no
+perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that
+the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.
+
+In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers.
+Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius
+than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and
+night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse
+and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once
+popular favourite.
+
+People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.
+
+The Capitol of the United States is Washington--named after a famous
+Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat
+German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.
+
+New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains
+over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages
+besides English.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+[Illustration: UNCLE SAM'S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART
+
+  1  Thirst                       23  Aquasity
+  2  Self-effacement              24}
+  3  Calculation                  25} Prairifulness
+  4  Providence                   26  Plainness
+  5  Love of the Almighty ($)     27  Incredulity
+  6  Justice                      28  Animosity
+  7  Somnolence                   29  Nebraskability
+  8  Love of Peaches              30  Love of Freedom
+  9  Pride of Race                31  Modesty
+ 10  Nicotianity                  32  Oregonality
+ 11  Love of Camp-meetings        33  Furbearance
+ 12  Fruitfulness                 34  Argentility
+ 13  Coonfulness                  35  Pique
+ 14  Colour                       36  Breadth
+ 15  Levity                       37  Presence of Mine
+ 16  Illicit Spirituality         38  Gamefulness
+ 17  Love of Travel               39  Conjugality
+ 18  Size                         40  Cowboyishness
+ 19  Bashfulness                  41  Sheepishness
+ 20  Scribosity                   42  Reserve
+ 21  Armorousness                 43  Reciprocity]
+ 22  Horse Sense
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+CANADA
+
+
+Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America
+not ruled by the Irish.
+
+[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
+
+In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers
+who wished to retire from private life.
+
+It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from
+thirst.
+
+Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still
+more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best
+of friends.
+
+For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or
+a policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border line
+between the two countries.
+
+Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, "severed home ties"; she is
+perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a
+latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able
+to understand "why girls leave home."
+
+Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so
+much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any
+musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a "sister
+turn."
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
+World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+GREAT BRITAIN
+
+
+If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of
+Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of
+Idaho.
+
+ [Illustration: THE PLANET JUPITER
+                (from a photograph)]
+
+But a Country must not be judged by its size.
+
+The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours,
+and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not
+a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and
+somewhat spotty.
+
+This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of
+one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United
+States.
+
+[Illustration: THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING UNION
+ _From poster by James Montgomery Flagg._]
+
+The English People, or (if one _must_ be accurate) the British, are the
+most to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable
+when they are tired of going _to and fro_ they reverse the process and
+go _fro and to_.
+
+    _With Bibles and Bathtubs_
+    _And Ballots and Beer_
+    _And Hope and Hygienics_
+    _They girdle the Sphere._
+
+[Illustration: THE PRUDENTIAL HAS THE STRENGTH OF GIBRALTAR]
+
+In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government
+which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the
+British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the
+earth.
+
+The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the
+United States, compared to champagne.
+
+London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence
+of Sky-Scrapers.
+
+London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era,
+Respectability.
+
+For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris,
+Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take their
+degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).
+
+This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the
+French motto of British respectability (_Honi soit qui mal y pense_)
+done into English.
+
+The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and
+Barometers.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+SCOTLAND
+
+
+A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.
+
+[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
+
+The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of
+the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of
+all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.
+
+The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and
+joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.
+
+Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny)
+Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from "Bonnet," the national
+headgear.
+
+The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+IRELAND
+
+[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose
+cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at
+once.
+
+The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and
+Emigrants to the United States.
+
+They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster
+and an Itinerant President.
+
+[Illustration: SCENE IN IRISH HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT]
+
+The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the
+Serpent who tempted Eve (from the "way he had with the women") was one
+of these Absentee snakes.
+
+Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St.
+Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, "_more savage than the Britons,
+feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to
+devour their deceased fathers_."
+
+Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the
+national beverage.
+
+The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,[A]
+Poteen and Bernard Shaw.
+
+ [A] The term _Patriot_ is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a
+ patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+[Illustration: THE GIDDY GLOBE CONSOLING IRELAND]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+WALES
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    _See the Welsh Rabbit--he is bred on cheese;_
+    _(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please)._
+    _Although he's tough, he looks so mild, who'd think_
+    _That a strong man from this small beast would shrink?_
+                                     _Carolyn Wells._
+
+
+Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in
+which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese,
+Celtic and Chocktaw, is _barred_ from the concert and operatic stage.
+
+The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of
+Wales and Lloyd George.
+
+The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of
+Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor
+in keeping the world awake.
+
+Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing
+dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world
+awake.
+
+Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the
+footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long
+after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!
+
+The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:
+
+    _"Hurray!" cried the Kitten,_
+            _"Hurray!"_
+     _As he merrily set the sails,_
+    _"I sail o'er the ocean_
+            _today, today,_
+     _To look at the Prince of Wales!"_
+
+    _"Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!_
+     _And think of the angry gales!"_
+    _"Ah, yes," cried the Kitten, "but think!_
+     _Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!"_
+
+    _"But, Kitten," I cried, dismayed,_
+    _"If you live through the angry gales_
+     _You know you will be afraid_
+     _To look at the Prince of Wales!"_
+
+     _Said the Kitten, "No such thing!_
+     _Why should he make me wince?_
+     _If a Cat may look at a King,_
+     _A Kitten may look at a Prince!"_
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+PART III
+
+FOREIGN COUNTRIES
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+SOUTH AMERICA
+
+
+From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of
+North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of
+matrimony.
+
+ [Illustration: SOUTH AMERICAN WILD HORSE
+ (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
+
+They were seemingly inseparable.
+
+The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this
+long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De
+Lesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa)
+attempted to bring about a separation.
+
+The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight
+years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.
+
+Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all
+obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans,
+started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De
+Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and
+the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously
+celebrated.
+
+The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever
+and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to
+spend an evening with the Pacific.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+HOLLAND
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch
+cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a
+strap.
+
+In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the
+cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks
+of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.
+
+The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are
+kept busy posing for the landscape painters.
+
+Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted
+everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some
+useful task.
+
+And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom,
+is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and
+railroads.
+
+The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace
+Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss
+the Economics of War.
+
+_Firstly_, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least
+possible damage to Vested Interests.
+
+_Secondly_, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while
+putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the
+possibility of repair for use in another War.
+
+Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is
+dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in
+Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+BELGIUM
+
+
+Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic
+flavour.
+
+Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of
+Belgium is the modern Horatius who
+
+    _" ... facing fearful odds,_
+    _For the ashes of his fathers_
+    _And the temples of his Gods,"_
+
+kept "the bridge" in the brave days of 1914.
+
+Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown
+of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and
+besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.
+
+When Julius Caesar described the Belgians as the "Bravest of all the
+Gauls" he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and if they hadn't "kept the bridge" the World War could
+never have been won.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PARIS]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+FRANCE
+
+[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
+
+
+France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France
+is Paris.
+
+Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for
+its gaiety.
+
+The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green,
+Parasols and Pate de fois gras.*
+
+                              * Alliteration is the thief of accuracy!
+                               _Pate de fois gras_ is the product
+                                of Strasburg.
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France,
+and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now
+French.
+
+Paris is divided into two parts--
+
+I. Paris Proper.
+
+Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and
+the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.
+
+There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and
+statues.
+
+II. Paris Improper.
+
+ .............................................................
+
+ .............................................................
+
+ .............................................................
+                                               (See Appendix.)
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
+World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+GERMANY
+
+
+_THIS SPACE TO LET_
+
+[Illustration: "The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.]
+
+While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs.
+Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented
+for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other
+popular Ism that may apply.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+SWITZERLAND
+
+
+Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers,
+and Heroes.
+
+The Swiss are an Artless people.
+
+ "What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition,
+ and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one
+ (Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock
+ that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained
+ in its box."
+                                                        _Whistler._
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people
+in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the
+World War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+MONACO
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.
+
+Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to
+spin.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
+World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+TURKEY
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this)
+shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite,
+fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the "_ ... last
+scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history._"
+
+All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has
+mentally reserved for himself.
+
+Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia
+and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.
+
+The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting
+each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there
+won't be any slices!
+
+    _You may burn, you may shatter_
+      _The Turk if you will,_
+    _He will rise from his ashes_
+      _And roost with you still._
+
+He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phoenix Bird.
+
+Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless
+people; they have many wives.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
+World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the
+World War.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: A PERFECT DAY IN PETROGRAD]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+RUSSIA
+
+
+Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe.
+Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a
+Superczar named Lenine.
+
+The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the
+Steppes.
+
+The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do
+with those of the Russian Dancers.
+
+At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to
+the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only--and easy at
+that!
+
+Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice
+and Press Dispatches.
+
+Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there has
+never been such an enorm----*
+
+                                             * Why go on about Russia?
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.
+
+[Illustration: Map of THE BLACK SEA]
+
+We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.
+
+Watch your Steppe!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+NORWAY AND SWEDEN
+
+
+It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country
+couple--or couple of countries--it would be hard to meet anywhere, and
+so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy
+of the world?
+
+And everybody knows what Propinquity does.
+
+It is Cupid's middle name; what more natural than that they should get
+married?
+
+Haven't you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married
+in Vienna in 1815, and--well, you know Propinquity is the Devil's middle
+name, too--they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only
+ninety years!
+
+What could have been the trouble?
+
+Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it
+was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu--
+
+ Pjkled Ojsters
+ Bjsque of Snajls
+ Frjed Fjsh
+ Natjve Wjne
+ Qujnce Jce-cream
+ Onjons and Bjsqujts
+
+It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it
+has what the average theatre-goer calls "atmosphere."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    _I once drew Ibsen, looking bored_
+    _Across a deep Norwegian Fjord,_
+    _And very nearly everyone_
+    _Mistook him for the Midnight Sun._
+
+Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the
+stagey, Drama.
+
+James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great
+and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway "The Land of the
+Midnight Whiskers."
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic
+People in the World, and they won the World War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+AFRICA
+
+"The apparel oft proclaims the man."--HAMLET.
+
+
+Africa is the richest "jack-pot" in the game of territorial "freeze-out"
+played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold,
+ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the
+limit.
+
+ [Illustration: AN ELEPHANT
+ (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
+
+The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning
+of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still
+in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has
+dropped out.
+
+ [Illustration: A LION
+ (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
+
+The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as "the
+fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar
+animals; of lions also and panthers." He does not mention the
+Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal
+inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being
+bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving
+transportation from their native jungle.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    _Children, behold the Chimpanzee!_
+    _He sits on the ancestral tree_
+    _From which we sprang in ages gone,_
+    _I'm glad we sprang--had we held on_
+    _We might, for all that I can say,_
+    _Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day._
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World,
+and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+ARABIA
+
+ [Illustration: A Camel
+ (From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)]
+
+
+Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.
+
+    "The Camel may be likened to
+     A desert ship. (This is not new.)
+     He is a most ungainly craft,
+     With frowning turrets fore and aft
+     We little realize on earth,
+     How much we owe to his great girth,
+     For should he ever shrink so small
+     As through the needle's eye to crawl,
+     Rich men might climb the golden stairs
+     And so leave nothing to their heirs."
+
+The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to
+resemble the motion of a ship.
+
+[Illustration: A BEDOUIN / A FOLDING-BEDOUIN]
+
+To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not
+quite so bad as a motor bus.
+
+The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds
+or water in any form.
+
+He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.
+
+The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to be
+related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World,
+and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+AUSTRALIA
+
+
+Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons,
+should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the
+twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the
+twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in
+eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus
+Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines
+
+    My child, the Duck-billed Platypus
+    A sad example sets for us.
+    From him we learn how indecision
+    Of character provokes derision.
+    This vacillating beast, you see,
+    Could not decide which he would be--
+    Fish, flesh or fowl--and chose all three.
+    The scientists were sorely vexed,
+    To classify him so perplexed
+    Their brains that they with rage at bay
+    Called him a horrid name one day,
+    A name that baffles, frights and shocks us
+    Ornithorynchus Paradoxus.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+CHINA
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive
+flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.
+
+The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little
+flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to
+cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.
+
+The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is
+the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to the
+ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything
+she possesses.
+
+Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee
+Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation
+wants a door that opens only outwards.
+
+At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a
+Revolving Door as a compromise.
+
+A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report
+on Revolving Doors.
+
+The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the
+World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World
+War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+JAPAN
+
+[Illustration: (Japanese text)]
+
+     TRANSLATION
+
+     The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in
+     the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the
+     World War.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of
+these six (counting, etc.) countries.
+
+If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important
+countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.
+
+Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a
+journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and
+shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of
+countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you always
+find that you have left out at least several of the most important
+things.
+
+No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six
+such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can
+be.
+
+The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a
+row and see which you can get along best without; you can't possibly
+spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little
+countries together would----*
+
+                                         * You are digressing again,
+                                           worse than ever! This thing
+                                           has got to stop!
+                                                          _The Reader._
+
+Oh, very well! If that's the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop
+right here.
+
+[Illustration: THE END]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+EPILOGUE
+
+
+    _If this little world to-night_
+      _Suddenly should fall thro' space_
+    _In a hissing, headlong flight_
+      _Shrivelling from off its face,_
+    _As it falls into the sun,_
+      _In an instant every trace_
+    _Of the little crawling things--_
+      _Ants, philosophers, and lice,_
+    _Cattle, cockroaches, and kings,_
+      _Beggars, millionaires, and mice,_
+    _Men and maggots all as one_
+      _As it falls into the sun--_
+    _Who can say but at the same_
+      _Instant from some planet far_
+    _A child may watch us and exclaim:_
+      _"See the pretty shooting star!"_
+
+
+
+
+APPENDIX
+
+_See next page._
+
+
+
+
+THE APPENDIX
+
+_has been removed._
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of This Giddy Globe, by Oliver Herford
+
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