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diff --git a/25951-8.txt b/25951-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8bcfbd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/25951-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1703 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Fragments From France, by Captain Bruce Bairnsfather + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Fragments From France + +Author: Captain Bruce Bairnsfather + +Release Date: July 2, 2008 [EBook #25951] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRAGMENTS FROM FRANCE *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Emmy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +_By Bruce Bairnsfather_ + +Bullets and Billets + +Fragments from France + +A Few Fragments from His Life + + + + +FRAGMENTS FROM FRANCE + + +BY + +CAPTAIN BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER + +AUTHOR OF "BULLETS AND BILLETS" + + +[Illustration] + + + G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS + NEW YORK AND LONDON + The Knickerbocker Press + 1917 + + + + +FOREWORD + +_By the Editor of "The Bystander."_ + + +[Illustration: W]HEN Tommy went out to the great war, he went smiling, +and singing the latest ditty of the halls. The enemy scowled. War, said +his professors of kultur and his hymnsters of hate, could never be waged +in the Tipperary spirit, and the nation that sent to the front soldiers +who sang and laughed must be the very decadent England they had all +along denounced as unworthy of world-power. + +I fear the enemy will be even more infuriated when he turns over the +pages of this book. In it the spirit of the British citizen soldier, +who, hating war as he hated hell, flocked to the colours to have his +whack at the apostles of blood and iron, is translated to cold and +permanent print. Here is the great war reduced to grim and gruesome +absurdity. It is not fun poked by a mere looker-on, it is the fun felt +in the war by one who has been through it. + +[Illustration: CAPTAIN BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER.] + +Captain Bruce Bairnsfather has stayed at that "farm" which is portrayed +in the double page of the book; he has endured that shell-swept "'ole" +that is depicted on the cover; he has watched the disappearance of that +"blinkin' parapet" shown on one page; has had his hair cut under fire as +shown on another. And having been through it all, he has just put down +what he has seen and heard and felt and smelt and--laughed at. + +Captain Bairnsfather went to the front in no mood of a "chiel takin' +notes." It was the notes that took him. Before the war, some time a +regular soldier, some time an engineer, he had little other idea than to +sketch for mischief, on walls and shirt cuffs, and tablecloths. Without +the war he might never have put pencil to paper for publication. But the +war insisted. + +It is not for his mere editor to forecast his vogue in posterity. +Naturally I hope it will be a lasting one, but I am prejudiced. Let me, +however, quote a letter which reached Captain Bairnsfather from +somewhere in France: + + "Twenty years after peace has been declared there + will be no more potent stimulus to the + recollections of an old soldier than your + admirable sketches of trench life. May I, with all + deference, congratulate you on your humour, your + fidelity, your something-else not easily + defined--I mean your power of expressing in black + and white a condition of mind." + +I hope that this forecast is a true one. If this sketch book is worthy +to outlast the days of the war, and to be kept for remembrance on the +shelves of those who have lived through it, it will have done its bit. +For will it not be a standing reminder of the _ingloriousness_ of war, +its preposterous absurdity, and of its futility as a means of settling +the affairs of nations? + +When the ardent Jingo of the day after to-morrow rattles the sabre, let +there be somewhere handy a copy of "Fragments from France" that can be +opened in front of him, at any page, just to remind him of what war is +really like as it is fought in "civilised" times. + +Captain Bairnsfather has become a household word--or perhaps one should +say a trench-hold word. Who is ever the worse for a laugh? Certainly not +the soldier in trench or dug-out or shell-swept billet. Rather may it be +said that the Bairnsfather laughter has acted in thousands of cases as +an antidote to the bane of depression. It is the good fortune of the +British Army to possess such an antidote, and the ill-fortune of the +other belligerents that they do not possess its equivalent. + +[Illustration: CAPTAIN BRUCE BAIRNSFATHER + +This picture was taken at the Front, less than a quarter of a mile from +the German trenches. Captain Bairnsfather has come "straight off the +mud," and is wearing a fur coat, a Balaclava helmet, and gum boots. +Immediately behind him is a hole made by a "Jack Johnson" shell.] + +A Scots officer, writing in the _Edinburgh Evening News_, hits the true +sentiment towards Bairnsfather of the Army in France when he writes: + + "To us out here the 'Fragments' are the very + quintessence of life. We sit moping over a smoky + charcoal fire in a dug-out. Suddenly someone, more + wide-awake than others remembers the 'Fragments.' + Out it comes, and we laugh uproariously over each + picture. For are these not the very things we are + witnessing every day, incidents full of tragic + humour? The fed-up spirit you see on the faces of + Bairnsfather's pictures is a sham--a mask beneath + which there lies something that is essentially + British." + +[Illustration] + +In a communication received by Captain Bairnsfather an eminent Member of +Parliament writes: "You are rising to be a factor in the situation, just +as Gillray was a factor in the Napoleonic wars." The difference is, +however, that instead of turning his satire exclusively upon the enemy, +as did Gillray, Captain Bairnsfather turns his--good-humouredly +always--on his fellow-warriors. This habit of ours of making fun of +ourselves has come by now to be fairly well understood by even the most +sensitive and serious-minded of our continental friends and neighbours. +It hardly needs nowadays to be pointed out that it is a fixed condition +of the national life that wherever Britons are working together in any +common object, whether in school, college, profession, or even warfare, +they must never _appear_ to be regarding their occupation too seriously. +Those who know us--and who, nowadays, has the excuse for not knowing us, +seeing how very much we have been discussed?--understand that our +frivolity is apparent and not real. Because we have the gift of +laughter, we are no less appreciative of grim realities than are our +scowling enemies, and nobody knows that better in these days than those +scowling enemies themselves. + +Their hymns of hate and prayers for punishment have been impotent +expressions of exasperation at our coolness, deliberation, and +inflexible determination--qualities they had deluded themselves before +the war into believing would prove all a sham before the first blast of +frightfulness. They told themselves that, a war once actually begun, the +imperturbable pipe-smoking John Bull would be transformed into a +cowering craven. More complete confusion of this false belief is nowhere +to be found than in these "Fragments." It ranks as a colossal German +defeat that successive bloodthirsty assaults upon us by land, sea, and +air should produce a Bairnsfather, depicting the "contemptible little +Army," swollen out of all recognition, settling humorously down to war +as though it were the normal business of life. + +"Fed up"? Yes, that is the word by which to describe, if you like, the +prevalent Bairnsfather expression of countenance. But the kind of +weariness he depicts is the reverse of the kind that implies "give up." +_Au contraire, mes amis!_ The "fed-up" Bairnsfather man is a fixture. +"_J'y suis_," he might exclaim, if he spoke French, "_et il m'embête que +j'y suis. Je voudrais que je n'y sois pas. Mais j'y suis, et, mes bons +camarades, par tous les dieux, j'y reste!_" + +If the enemy should read in the words "fed up" a sign that our tenacity +is giving out, he reads it wrong; grim will be the disillusionment of +any hopes he may build upon his misreading, and even grimmer the anger +of those whom he may have deluded. + +These _verdammte Engländer_ are never what they seem, but are always +something unpleasantly different. We are the Great Enigma of the war, +and in our mystery lies our greatest strength. Let us be careful not to +lose it. Those who would have us simplify ourselves upon the continental +model, and present to the world a picture of sombre seriousness, are +asking us to change our national character. Cromwell asked the painter +to paint him, "warts and all." Bairnsfather sketches us--smiles and all. +And who would take the smiles off the "dials" of the figures you will +see on the pages that follow? + +[Illustration: Where to Live--[ADVT.] + +IN ONE OF THE CHOICEST LOCALITIES OF NORTHERN FRANCE. + +TO BE LET (three minutes from German trenches), this attractive and + + WELL-BUILT DUG-OUT, + +containing one reception-kitchen-bedroom and UP-TO-DATE FUNK HOLE (4ft. +by 6ft.), all modern inconveniences, including gas and water. This +desirable Residence stands one foot above water level, commanding an +excellent view of the enemy trenches. + + EXCELLENT SHOOTING (SNIPE AND DUCK). + +--Particulars of the late Tenant, Room 6, Base Hospital, Bonlog c.] + + +[Illustration: "Where did that one go to?"] + + +[Illustration: + + What is this slimy dismal hole + Where oft I'm lurking like a mole + And cursing Germans heart and soul? + My Dug-Out + + Where is it that beneath the floor + The water's rising more and more + And where the roof's a broken door? + My Dug-Out + + Where is it that I try to sleep + Betwixt alarms, when up I leap + And dash through water four feet deep? + My Dug-Out + + Where is it that I'll catch a chill + And lose my only quinine pill + And probably remain until---- + I'm dug out? + My Dug-Out + +My Dug-Out: A lay of the trenches.] + + +[Illustration: That Evening Star-shell. + + "Oh, star of eve, whose tender beam + Falls on my spirit's troubled dream." + +--_Wolfram's Aria in "Tannhäuser."_] + + +[Illustration: "They've evidently seen me."] + + +[Illustration: Situation Shortly Vacant. + +In an old-fashioned house in France an opening will shortly occur for a +young man, with good prospects of getting a rise.] + + +[Illustration: The Tactless Teuton. + +A member of the Gravediggers' Corps joking with a private in the +Orphans' Battalion, prior to a frontal attack.] + + +[Illustration: "Well, if you knows of a better 'ole, go to it."] + + +[Illustration: Will you be---- + +mine! + +A Proposal in Flanders. + +The point of Jean's pitchfork awakens a sense of duty in a mine that +shirked.] + + +[Illustration: No Possible Doubt Whatever. + +Sentry: "'Alt! Who goes there?" + +He of the Bundle: "You shut yer ---- mouth, or I'll ---- come and knock +yer ---- head off!" + +Sentry: "Pass, friend!"] + + +[Illustration: "Gott strafe this barbed wire."] + + +[Illustration: So Obvious. + +The Young and Talkative One: "Who made that 'ole?" + +The Fed-up One: "Mice."] + + +[Illustration: The Fatalist. + +"I'm sure they'll 'ear this damn thing squeakin'."] + + +[Illustration: A Maxim Maxim. + +"Fire should be withheld till a favourable target presents itself."] + + +[Illustration: Our Adaptable Armies. + +Private Jones (late "Zogitoff," the comedy wire artist) appreciably +reduces the quantity of hate per yard of frontage.] + + +[Illustration: A.D. Nineteen Fifty. + +"I see the War Babies' Battalion is a coming out."] + + +[Illustration: Frustrated Ingenuity. + +Owing to dawn breaking sooner than he anticipated, that inventive +fellow, Private Jones, has a trying time with his latest creation, "The +Little Plugstreet," the sniper's friend.] + + +[Illustration: Keeping His Hand In. + +Private Smith, the company bomber, formerly "Shinio," the popular +juggler, frequently causes considerable anxiety to his platoon.] + + +[Illustration: "---- ---- these ---- ---- rations."] + + +[Illustration: Dear ---- + +"At present we are staying at a farm..."] + + +[Illustration: The Eternal Question. + +"When the 'ell is it goin' to be strawberry?"] + + +[Illustration: Directing the Way at the Front. + +"Yer knows the dead 'orse 'cross the road? Well, keep straight on till +yer comes to a p'rambulator 'longside a Johnson 'ole."] + + +[Illustration: The Late Comer. + +"Where 'ave you been? 'Avin' your bloomin' fortune told?"] + + +[Illustration: The Innocent Abroad. + +Out since Mons: "Well, what sort of a night 'ave yer 'ad?" + +Novice (but persistent optimist): "Oh, alright. 'Ad to get out and rest +a bit now and again."] + + +[Illustration: "There goes our blinkin' parapet again."] + + +[Illustration: "We shall attack at Dawn" + +"Never mind about that now, drink this." + +"The Push"--in Three Chapters. + +By one who's been "Pushed."] + + +[Illustration: "The Spirit of our Troops is Excellent."] + + +[Illustration: The Things that Matter. + +Scene: Loos, during the September offensive. + +Colonel Fitz-Shrapnel receives the following message from "G. H. +Q.":--"Please let us know, as soon as possible, the number of tins of +raspberry jam issued to you last Friday."] + + +[Illustration: The Soldier's Dream. + +A "Bitter" disappointment on waking.] + + +[Illustration: The Thirst for Reprisals. + +"'And me a rifle, someone. I'll give these ----s 'ell for this!"] + + +[Illustration: The Ideal and the Real. + +What we should like to see at our billets--and (inset) what we do see.] + + +[Illustration: "Watch me make a fire-bucket of 'is 'elmet."] + + +[Illustration: "That 16-inch Sensation."] + + +[Illustration: That Sword. + +How he thought he was going to use it----] + + +[Illustration: ----and how he did use it.] + + +[Illustration: What It Really Feels Like. + +To be on patrol duty at night-time.] + + +[Illustration: "The same old moon."] + + +[Illustration: "My dream for years to come."] + + +[Illustration: Coiffure in the Trenches. + +"Keep yer 'ead still, or I'll 'ave yer blinkin' ear off."] + + +[Illustration: Another Maxim Maxim. + +"Machine guns form a valuable support for infantry."] + + +[Illustration: Our Democratic Army. + +Member of Navvies' Battalion (to Colonel): "I say, yer mate's dropped +'is cane."] + + +[Illustration: Five days leave! Taxi!] + + +[Illustration: Never Again! + +"In future I snipe from the ground."] + + +[Illustration: Thoroughness. + +"What time shall I call you in the morning, sir?" + +(Colonel Chutney, V.C., home on short leave, decides to keep in touch +with dug-out life.)] + + +[Illustration: That Hat. + +"Pop out and get it, Bert." + +"Pop out yerself."] + + +[Illustration: Springtime in Flanders. + +"Personally, I think this is just what you want for laying your eggs in, +but, as Bairnsfather says, 'If you knows of a better 'ole, go to it.'"] + + +[Illustration: The Dud Shell--Or the Fuse-Top Collector. + +"Give it a good 'ard 'un, Bert; you can generally 'ear 'em fizzing a bit +first if they are a-goin' to explode."] + + +[Illustration: "What's all this about unmarried men?"] + + +[Illustration: The Historical Touch. + +"Well, Alfred, 'ow are the cakes?"] + + +[Illustration: His Initiation. + +No. 99988 Private Blobs (on sentry-go) feels that he has at last +stumbled across the true explanation of that somewhat cryptic +expression, "There'll be dirty work at the cross-roads to-night!"] + + +[Illustration: When One Would Like to Start an Offensive on One's Own. + +RECIPE FOR FEELING LIKE THIS--Bully, biscuits, no coke, and leave just +cancelled.] + + +[Illustration: Trouble With One of the Souvenirs. + +"'Old these a minute while I takes that blinkin' smile off 'is dial."] + + +[Illustration: The Conscientious Exhilarator. + +"_Every encouragement should be given for singing and +whistling._"--(Extract from a "Military Manual.") + +That painstaking fellow, Lieut. Orpheus, does his best, but finds it +uphill work at times.] + + +[Illustration: Its only a tumble down nest But-- + +The Nest. + +"'Ere, when you're finished, I'll borrow that there top note of yours to +clean the knives with."] + + +[Illustration: Those Superstitions. + +Private Sandy McNab cheers the assembly by pointing out (with the aid of +his pocket almanac) that it is Friday the 13th and that their number is +one too many.] + + +[Illustration: The Professional Touch. + +"Chuck us out that bag o' bombs, mate; it's under your 'ead."] + + +[Illustration: Happy Memories of the Zoo. + +"What Time do they Feed the Sea-Lions, Alf?"] + + +[Illustration: Observation. + +"'Ave a squint through these 'ere, Bill; you can see one of the ----'s +eatin' a sausage as clear as anythin'."] + + +[Illustration: Immediate and Important! + +Never has Private Smith's face felt so large and smooth as when he hands +his Captain the following message at what he feels is an unsuitable +moment: "The G.O.C. notices with regret the tendency of all ranks to +shave the upper lip. This practice must cease forthwith."] + + +[Illustration: Sir Plantagenet Smythe, at the battle of VIN ORDINAIRE +"On! On! ye Noble English!" + +2nd Lieut. P. Smith, at the taking of "dead-pig" farm "Come on you +chaps! We'll show these ----s Which side their ---- bread's buttered!" + +Other Times, Other Manners. + +The Decline of Poetry and Romance in War.] + + +[Illustration: His Dual Obsession. + +Owing to the frequent recurrence of this dream, Herr Fritz von +Lagershifter has decided to take his friends' advice: Give up sausage +late at night and brood less upon the possible size of the British Army +next spring.] + + +[Illustration: The Communication Trench. + +PROBLEM--Whether to walk along the top and risk it, or do another mile +of this.] + + +[Illustration: Letting Himself Down. + +Having omitted to remove the elastic band prior to descent, Herr Franz +von Flopp feels that the trial exhibition of his new parachute is a +failure.] + + +[Illustration: Old Saws and New Meanings----By Bairnsfather. + +There is certainly a lot of truth in that Napoleonic maxim, "An army +moves on its stomach."] + + +[Illustration: Nobbled. + +"'Ow long are you up for, Bill?" + +"Seven years." + +"Yer lucky ----, I'm duration."] + + +[Illustration: The Intelligence Department. + +"Is this 'ere the Warwicks?" + +"Nao. 'Indenburg's blinkin' Light Infantry."] + + +[Illustration: Valuable Fragment from Flanders: It All Comes to This in +Time. + +"This interesting fragment, found near Ypres (known to the ancients as +Wipers), throws a light on a subject which has long puzzled science, +i.e., what was the origin and meaning of those immense zigzag slots in +the ground stretching from Ostend to Belfort? There is no doubt that +there was some inter-tribal war on at this period."--_Extract from_ +"_The Bystander_," A.D. 4916.] + + +[Illustration: In Nineteen Something: General Sir Ian Jelloid at Home. + +Having picked up this cherished possession for a mere song at a sale +near Verdun, the General has now let his country seat, "Shrapnel Park," +and says he finds the new abode infinitely cheaper, and not a bit +draughty, if you keep the breech closed.] + + +[Illustration: In and Out (I). + +That last half-hour before "going in" to the same trenches for the 200th +time.] + + +[Illustration: In and Out (II). + +That first half-hour after "coming out" of those same trenches.] + + +[Illustration: THE 1ST BLOBSHIRE RIFLES EXPERT GAS & BOMB MANIPULATORS +TRENCHES TAKEN AT SHORTEST NOTICE COUNTER ATTACKS QUOTED FOR OUR +SPECIALITY: HOLDING MINE CRATERS FOR 24 HOURS + +TELEGRAPHIC ADDRESS "PLUMAPPLE" PLUGSTREET + +Pushfulness at Plug Street. + +Colonel Ian Jelloid, of the Blobshire Rifles, being an energetic and +businesslike man, believes in advertising as an antidote to stagnant +warfare.] + + +[Illustration: His Secret Sorrow. + +"I reckon this bloke must 'ave caught 'is face against some of them +forts at Verdun!"] + + +[Illustration: Are you there? + +"Only just" + +"S.O.S." + +The Hard Lines of Communication.] + + +[Illustration: The New Submarine Danger. + +"They'll be torpedoin' us if we stick 'ere much longer, Bill."] + + +[Illustration: This interesting view for 6 months ... or + +This for half an hour + +War! + +--As it is for most of us.] + + +[Illustration: A Matter of Moment. + +"What was that, Bill?" + +"Trench mortar." + +"Ours or theirs?"] + + +[Illustration: The Saint. + +That indiscriminating orb, the moon, gives Private Scattergood a saintly +appearance, sadly out of keeping with his thoughts. He's filling 100 +sandbags at 11 p.m.] + + +[Illustration: Those Tubular Trenches. + +"Is this right for 'eadquarters?" + +"Yes, change at Oxford Circus."] + + +[Illustration: "Of course, personally I dont think there is anyone +there" + +"Nor do I" + +Thinking it over subsequently in Boulogne,--an impression of +overcrowding predominates in recollections of "straighthing" that bit of +the line. + +"We Look Before----And After."] + + +[Illustration: Con Moto Perpetuo. + +"OUR BERT" (going on leave--having asked a question, and having listened +to three minutes' unintelligible eloquence): "And 'ow does the chorus +go?"] + + +[Illustration: Real Sympathy. + +"I wish you'd get something for that ---- cough of yours. That's the +second time you've blown the blinkin' candle out!"] + + +[Illustration: Entanglements. + +"Come on, Bert, it's safer in the trenches."] + + +[Illustration: "How long have you got Fred?" + +"LEAVE."] + + +[Illustration: There are times when Private Lightfoot feels absolutely +convinced that it's going to be a War of Exhaustion.] + + +[Illustration: Chat on 'Change. + +"You owes me two francs and I owes you one that's got into the lining of +me coat; that makes it right, don't it?"] + + +[Illustration: General Sir Frampton Prendergasp R.S.V.P. P.T.O. SOS a +rising and successful general, who is plotting an offensive + +The General . . . Cyrus Moffat + +Nancy Prendergasp, his daughter, who has gone in for nursing, unknown to +her father. She is in love with ---- + +Featuring Miss Sybil Fane + +DICK MANVERS a lance Corporal in the pay department, who, after +extensive & painful researches, has invented a new bomb + +"DICK" + +Steven Fairbrother + +Dick shows his new bomb to the General who decides to use it in the +offensive + +But is overheard and seen by Captain ADRIAN BLACK an unscrupulous +adventurer in the pay of a powerful Government + +That night he is seen by Nancy substituting PLUM & APPLE for The new +explosive + +END OF PART I + +PART II + +WILL FOLLOW IMMEDIATELY + +Flanders Film Mfg Co--Milwaukee, Wisconsin. U.S.A.] + +[Illustration: The Offensive begins. The new bomb is found to be equally +explosive in spite of Captain Black's dark deed + +Nancy, who fears disaster, steals her Father's private Howitzer and +races to the Offensive + +Black throws every obstacle in her way + +"Dont you know me Dick?" + +The General, who has been doing a bit on his own, becomes the unwilling +witness of a touching scene + +The General having heard their story, orders the arrest of Captain Black + +How Dick Manvers Got His Star. + +Every familiar feature of the Film is happily caricatured by Captain +Bairnsfather in his amusing page of pictures. The hero, the heroine +(with smile), the villain, the heavy father, all of the most approved +pattern--everything down to the meticulous inaccuracy characteristic of +the American film in matters of detail, is shown with the good-natured +sarcasm befitting a master of satire as well as of humour, while the +story tells itself with breathless enthusiasm.] + + +[Illustration: The Whip Hand. + +Private Mulligatawny (the Australian Stock-whip wonder) frequently +causes a lot of bother in the enemy's trenches.] + + +[Illustration: Christmas Day: How it dawned for many.] + + +[Illustration: "Under the spreading chestnut tree the village smithy +stands."] + + +[Illustration: Veni 1914 + +Vidi 1915 + +Vici! 1916 + +Augusts Three. + +To each year its type.] + + + +[Illustration: Overheard in an Orchard. + +Said the Apple to the Plum: "Well, anyway, old man, they can never ask +us what we did in the great war!"] + + +[Illustration: LEARN To FIGHT + +Anyone with a taste for Fishing, or Moth Collecting can learn to fight. + +Anyone can put a hook in a worm, or a pin in a moth. WE DEVELOP THAT +INSTINCT, and by our Postal Course of Instruction, will help you to earn +big money by fighting + +Subjects Taught:-- + +Bayonet work, bombing, & asphyxiation. + +This sketch shows the work of a former pupil. Try this exercise yourself +on a friend, and tell us the result. We will at once tell you your +chances of success. + +A lieutenant writes:-- + +Unfortunately I had not got as far as your chapter on Upper Cuts or I +feel sure I should not be where I am now + +yrs truly + +Clearing Station GezainCourt. + +Bruce Bairnsfather + +The demand for fighters exceeds the supply + +Write today + +The Asphyxobomb School of Instruction + +[Advt] Hooge. + + +Tips for Tommies. + +Now that the war has become a world business, we must at any moment +expect the appearance of this sort of thing in our papers.] + + +[Illustration: Whilst the preliminary bombardment is on, one gets the +idea that this is what's happening to the enemy machine guns. + +Yet somehow or other, when one starts for that 220 yards handicap across +the turnip field, it feels something like this. + +Bruce Bairnsfather + +The Offensive. + +What it looks like--and what it feels like.] + + +[Illustration: "The Imminent, Deadly Breach." + +"Mind you don't fall through the seat of yer trousers, 'Arry!"] + + +[Illustration: Two minds with but a single thought, two hearts that beat +as one. + +Telepathy. + +"Two minds with but a single thought."] + + +[Illustration: Trouville-sur-Somme. + +"Tell 'er to 'op it, Bert. I'm sittin' on a bit o' shell or +somethin'."] + + +[Illustration: Omar the Optimist. + + "Here with a loaf of bread beneath the row, + A muttered curse, but ne'er a whine, and thou-- + Beside me, singing in the wilderness, + The wilderness is Paradise enow."] + + +[Illustration: "Where do yer want this put, Sargint?"] + + +[Illustration: Coming to the Point. + +"Let's 'ave this pin of yours a minute. I'll soon 'ave these winkles out +of 'ere."] + + +[Illustration: A Castle in the Air. + +"A few more, Bert, and that there château won't be worth livin' in."] + + +[Illustration: The Freedom of the Seas. + +"I wish they'd 'old this war in England--don't you, Bill?" (No +answer.)] + + +[Illustration: In Dixie-Land. + +"Well, Friday--'ow's Crusoe?"] + + +[Illustration: Alas! Poor Herr Von Yorick! + +Fricourt--July, 1916.] + + +[Illustration: Those Signals. + +THE VIGILANT ONE: "I say, old chap, what does two green lights and one +red one mean?" + +RECUMBENT GLADIATOR (just back from leave): "Two crêmes de menthe and a +cherry brandy!"] + + +[Illustration: His Christmas Goose. + +"You wait till I comes off dooty!"] + + +[Illustration: Urgent. + +"Quick, afore this comes down!"] + + +[Illustration: That tin hat feels something like this on the way to the +Offensive + +And about like this when you get there + +My Hat! + +Helmets, Shrapnel, One.] + + +[Illustration: The Candid Friend. + +"Well, yer know, I like the photo of you in your gas mask best."] + + +[Illustration: The Long and the Short of It. + +UP LAST DRAFT: "I suppose you 'as to be careful 'ow you looks over the +parapet about 'ere." + +OUT SINCE MONS: "You needn't worry, me lad; the rats are going to be +your only trouble."] + + +[Illustration: "Old Moore" at the Front. + +"As far as I can make out from this 'ere prophecy-book, Bill, the +seventh year is going to be the worst, and after that every +fourteenth!"] + + +[Illustration: Supra-Normal. + +Captain Mills-Bomme's temperature cracks the thermometer on seeing his +recent daring exploits described as "On our right there is nothing to +report." + +(_He and his battalion had merely occupied three lines of German +trenches, and held them through a storm of heavy Lyddite for forty-eight +hours._)] + + +[Illustration: 'old these ---- biscuits a minute while I 'as a go at +this ---- stuff + +"Where the ---- 'ell are ye comin to!" + +"---- your ---- eyes you can ---- well carry these ---- things yerself" + +"yer ---- well wants elephants for this job" + +Tactical Developments. + +Private 9998 Blobs has always thought a machine for imitating the sound +of ration parties (and thus drawing fire) an excellent idea, but simply +hates his evening for working it.] + + +[Illustration: Bang Bang + +Crash + +Bang + +Crash + +That "Out Wiring" Sensation.] + + +[Illustration: Natural History of the War + +The Flanders Sea Lion (Leo Maritimus). + +"An almost extinct amphibian, first discovered in Flanders during the +Winter of 1914-15. Feeds almost exclusively on Plum and Apple Jam and +Rum. Only savage when the latter is knocked off."] + + +[Illustration: Things that Irritate. + +Private Wm. Jones is not half so annoyed at accidentally falling down +the mine crater as he is at hearing two friends murmuring the first +verse of "Don't go down the mine, Daddy."] + + +[Illustration: Still Keeping His Hand In. + +Private Smith (late Shinio, the popular juggler) appreciably lowers the +protective value of his section's shrapnel helmets by practising his +celebrated plate and basin spinning act.] + + +[Illustration: Those ---- Mouth-Organs. + +"Keep away from the 'ive, Bert; 'e's goin' to sting yer!"] + + +[Illustration: Garcong! the bill, tres vite! + +That Provost-Marshal Feeling. + +A sensation only to be had at a Base--in other words, a base +sensation.] + + +[Illustration: Blighty!] + + +[Illustration: Those Raiders at the Seat of War. + +"I wish the 'ell you'd put a cork on that blinkin' pin of yours, +Bert!"] + + +[Illustration: Romance, 1917. + +"Darling, every potato that I have is yours" (engaged).] + + +[Illustration: Modern Topography. + +"Well, you see, here's the church and there's the post-office."] + + +[Illustration: "There Was a Young Man of Cologne." + +(I've forgotten the rest of the poem, but it's something about "a bomb" +and "If only he'd known.")] + + +[Illustration: In the Support Trench. + +Old Bill has practically decided to get Private Shinio (the +ex-comedy-juggler and hand-balancer) transferred to another platoon.] + + +[Illustration: It's the Little Things that Worry. + +What is so particularly annoying to Private Lovebird is, that he would +not have had this bother with his dug-out if his leave had not been +postponed.] + + +[Illustration: That Periscope Sensation. + +"I wonder if I oughtn't to tell the captain about that thing sticking up +in the sea over there."] + + +[Illustration: At the Brewery Baths. + +"You chuck another sardine at me, my lad, and you'll hear from my +solicitors."] + + +[Illustration: A Miner Success. + +"They must 'ave 'ad some good news or somethin', Alf; you can 'ear 'em +cheerin' quite plain."] + + +[Illustration: Birds of Ill Omen. + +"There's evidently goin' to be an offensive around 'ere, Bert."] + + +[Illustration: If Only They'd Make "Old Bill" President of Those +Tribunals. + +"Well, what's your job, me lad?" + +"Making spots for rocking-horses, sir." + +"Three months." + +"Exemption, sir?" + +"Nao, exemption be ----d! Three months' hard!"] + + +[Illustration: "Stars is funny things aint they Bill" + +"Yes--funny!" + +The Stargazers. + +--and their return to earth.] + + +[Illustration: Down at the Ration Dump. + +"Call me a Tank again, my lad, and I'll knock yer ---- 'ead off!"] + + +[Illustration: The Glorious Fifth. + +"'Ere, Guy Fawkes--buzz off!"] + + +[Illustration: "Yes, you are, one pound nineteen and elevenpence +overdrawn, and that includes next month's pay" + +Cox's. + +When one feels rather in favour of floating a War Loan of one's own.] + + +[Illustration: This Muddy War. + +"These 'ere staff cars do splash a lot, don't they, Bill?" (No +answer.)] + + +[Illustration: Unappetising. + +Moments when the Savoy, the Alhambra, and the Piccadilly Grill seem very +far away (the offensive starts in half an hour).] + + +[Illustration: Fred's got leave! + +That Leave Train + +Second lieutenant Enoch Arden arrives on leave + +Fred! + +"The train was a bit late darling" + +That "Leave" Train.] + + +[Illustration: One often hears the question:-- + +"What could Napoleon have done in the Great War?" + +He could certainly not have gone in for this + +It would have to be this, or nothing + +Other Times----Other Manners.] + + +[Illustration: The Tourists, 19..? + +"Remember this place, Bert?" + +"Yes, it's where we used to chuck the fish to you, ain't it, Bill?"] + + +[Illustration: Alas! My poor Brother! + +(_In this cartoon Captain Bairnsfather refers to the report that the +corpses of German soldiers fallen in battle were utilised in a +Corpse-Conversion Factory for the purpose of providing fats for the +Fatherland._)] + + +[Illustration: Can-Tank-erous. + +"'Ere! Where the 'ell are ye comin' with that Turkish bath o' yours?"] + + +[Illustration: Curfew. + +What particularly annoys Lieutenant Jones, R.F.A. (who thought he could +get a better view from the belfry), is that irritating prediction which +keeps passing through his head, "The curfew shall not ring to-night."] + + +[Illustration: TAISEZ VOUS! MÉFIEZ VOUS LES OREILLES ENSEMBLE VOUS +ÉCOUTENT + +On the "Leave" Train. + +You will never quite realise how closely we are bound to our French Ally +until you have had the good fortune to travel on one of those "leave" +trains--six a side, windows shut, fifty miles to go, and eighteen hours +to do it!] + + +[Illustration: Getting the Local Colour. + +In that rare and elusive period known as "Leave" it is necessary to +reconstruct the "Atmosphere" of the front as far as possible in order to +produce the weekly "Fragment."] + + +[Illustration: The Ghost of Dead Pig Farm--19..? + +At midnight, an indignant, husky voice is heard to say: "B---- these +blinkin' sandbags."] + + +[Illustration: George versus Germany. + +Should Mr. Robey be at any time called upon to go to the Front, he must +be careful how he does this: "I'm surprised at you, Ludendorff!"] + + +[Illustration: A Puzzle for Paderewski. + +"It's a pity Alf ain't 'ere, Bert; 'e can play the piana wonderful."] + + +[Illustration: "Substitutes" in the Field. + +"I thought you said your uncle was a sending you an umbrella."] + + +[Illustration: Leave. + +Dep.: Paddington 2.15. Arr. Home 4.] + + +[Illustration: ROLLS-DAIMLER, 1917.--Four-seated Coupé body (très +coupé). Hardly been used, beautifully finished (almost completely). One +dickey seat (_very_ dickey), detachable rims (two already detached). +Only driven 10 miles (Albert to Gommecourt). Excellent shock absorber +(has absorbed any amount). In exceptional condition. £650 (or good bath +chair). BARGAIN.--Captain Somepush, No. 2, Red Cross, Rouen.] + + +[Illustration: Merely a Warning. + +You dirty dog + +To those who may be contemplating picking up a Government car cheaply +after the war. Insist on seeing photograph. Don't be satisfied by just +reading the advertisements.] + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's notes: + +With the three noted exceptions, punctuation anomalies were retained to +match the original drawings. The exceptions are in the books printed +explanations, not in any cartoon. + +Page 5, period added to illustration caption ("Jack Johnson" shell.) + +Page 112, single opening quote changed to double. ("You wait till I) + +Page 125, period added to title of picture to match rest of format (That +Provost-Marshal Feeling.) + +Pages 93 and 98 were halves of the same comic. They were reattached to +aid readability. The original text can be found in the html version. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fragments From France, by +Captain Bruce Bairnsfather + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRAGMENTS FROM FRANCE *** + +***** This file should be named 25951-8.txt or 25951-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/9/5/25951/ + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Emmy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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