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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: English as She is Wrote + Showing Curious Ways in which the English Language may be + made to Convey Ideas or obscure them. + +Author: Anonymous + +Release Date: June 30, 2008 [EBook #25933] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE *** + + + + +Produced by David Yingling, Dave Morgan, V. L. Simpson and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from scanned +images of public domain material from the Google Print +project.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="titlepage"> +<h1><span class="larger"><i>English<br /> As She is Wrote</i>,</span><br /> + +<span class="small">SHOWING</span><br /> + +Curious ways in which the English<br /> +Language may be made to convey<br /> +Ideas or obscure them. +</h1> + +<div class="larger"> +<i><b>A Companion to "English as She is Spoke."</b></i><br /> +</div> + +<div class="publisher larger"> +<i><b>NEW YORK:</b></i><br /> +<i><b>D. Appleton & Co., 1, 3, & 5 Bond Street.</b></i> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="verso center"> +<b><span class="smaller">COPYRIGHT BY</span><br /> +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY,<br /> +<span class="smaller">1883.</span></b> +</div> + +<div class="center fs200"><i class="bold">Contents.</i></div> + +<div class="contents"> +<div class="ralign">Page</div> +<ul> +<li><a href="#chptI">I. How she is wrote by the Inaccurate</a> <span class="ralign">9</span></li> +<li><a href="#chptII">II. By Advertisers and on Sign-boards</a> <span class="ralign">20</span></li> +<li><a href="#chptIII">III. For Epitaphs</a> <span class="ralign">28</span></li> +<li><a href="#chptIV">IV. By Correspondents</a> <span class="ralign">42</span></li> +<li><a href="#chptV">V. By the Effusive</a> <span class="ralign">56</span></li> +<li><a href="#chptVI">VI. How she can be oddly wrote</a> <span class="ralign">71</span></li> +<li><a href="#chptVII">VII. By the Untutored</a> <span class="ralign">91</span></li> +</ul> +</div> + +<div class="preface"> +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 5]</div> +<h2>Prefatory.</h2> + +<p>"Anybody," said an astute lawyer, addressing the jury to whom the +opposing counsel had reflected upon inaccuracies in the spelling of his +brief—"anybody can write English correctly, but surely a man may be +allowed to spell a word in two or three different ways if he likes!" +This was a claim for independence of action which so commended itself to +the jury that it won a verdict for his client. +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 6]</span> +The same plea may be +considered in regard to the truly wonderful way in which the +mother-tongue is often written, by the educated sometimes as well as by +the uneducated.</p> + +<p>A man, it may be urged, has a right to spell as he chooses, and to +express his ideas, when he has any, as best he can; while, when he +suffers from a dearth of those rare articles, he has still more reason +to rejoice in liberty of choice in respect to the language he selects to +cover his poverty of thought. Hence there are doubtless good and +sufficient reasons for every specimen of "English as she is wrote," +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 7]</span> +which it is the object of this little book to rescue from oblivion, and +which have, one and all, been written with the sober conviction, upon +the part of the writers, that they accurately conveyed the meaning they +desired. Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded, +and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity of +expression and in the fact that it offers fair samples of the +possibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction of +our language. Let it be remembered, then, that <span class="normal +smcap">anybody</span> can +write English as she "should be wrote," and hence that a certain meed of +admiration is due to those who, exercising their right of independent +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 8]</span> +action, succeed in making it at once original and racy, and in +conveying, without the least effort, meanings totally opposed to their +intention, affording thereby admirable examples of English as "she is +wrote" by thousands.</p> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 9]</div> + +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptI">I.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">By the Inaccurate.</span> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the account of an inaugural ceremony it was asserted that "the +procession was very fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also the +report of Dr. Perry, the chaplain."</p> + +<p>A Western paper says: "A child was run over by a wagon three years old, +and cross-eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 10]</div> + +<p>Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:</p> +<ul class="in1em"> +<li>"A fellow was arrested with short hair."</li> +<li>"I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose."</li> +<li>"A house was built by a mason of brown stone."</li> +<li>"Wanted—A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty +feet wide."</li> +<li>"A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and +dark-complexioned."</li> +<li>"I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye."</li> +</ul> + +<p>A sea-captain once asserted that his "vessel was beautifully painted +with a tall mast."</p> + +<p>In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by a +sailor in a shell."</p> + +<p>A bill presented to a farmer ran thus: "To hanging two barn doors and +myself, 4<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>"</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 11]</div> + +<p>A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiest +terms are given by any other house in the city."</p> + +<p>Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy: "A wealthy gentleman will +adopt a little boy with a small family."</p> + +<p>A parochial report states that "the town farm-house and almshouse have +been carried on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, especially +the almshouse, at which there have been an unusual amount of sickness +and three deaths."</p> + +<p>A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage notice: "The couple left for the +East on the night train where they will reside."</p> + +<p>In the account of a shipwreck we find the following: "The captain swam +ashore. So did the chambermaid; she was insured for a large sum and +loaded with pig-iron."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 12]</div> + +<p>A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts that "any person driving +over this bridge in a faster pace than a walk shall, if a white person +be fined five dollars, and if a negro receive twenty-five lashes, half +the penalty to be bestowed on the informer."</p> + +<p>The following notice appeared on the west end of a country +meeting-house: "Anybody sticking bills against this church will be +prosecuted according to law or any other nuisance."</p> + +<p>A gushing but ungrammatical editor says: "We have received a basket of +fine grapes from our friend ——, for which he will please accept our +compliments, some of which are nearly one inch in diameter."</p> + +<p>On the panel under the letter-receiver of the General Post-Office, +Dublin, these words are printed: "Post here letters too late for the +next mail."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 13]</div> + +<p>An Ohio farmer is said to have the following warning posted +conspicuously on his premises: "If any man's or woman's cows or oxen +gits in this here oats his or her tail will be cut off, as the case may +be."</p> + +<p>A lady desired to communicate by electricity to her husband in the city +the size of an illuminated text which she had promised for the +Sunday-school room. When the order reached him it read, "Unto us a child +is born, nine feet long by two feet wide."</p> + +<p>A farmer who wished to enter some of his live-stock at an agricultural +exhibition, in the innocence of his heart, but with more truth in his +words than he dreamed of, wrote to the committee, saying, "Enter me for +one jackass."</p> + +<p>An Irishman complained to his physician that "he stuffed him so much +with drugs that he was ill a long time after he got well."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 14]</div> + +<p>A correspondent of a New York paper described Mr. C.'s journey to +Washington to attend "the dying bedside of his mother."</p> + +<p>A dealer in engravings announced: "'Scotland Forever.' A Cavalry Charge +after Elizabeth Thompson Butler, just published."</p> + +<p>A Western paper says that "a fine new school-house has just been +finished in that town capable of accommodating three hundred students +four stories high."</p> + +<p>A coroner's verdict read thus: "The deceased came to his death by +excessive drinking, producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury."</p> + +<p>An old edition of Morse's geography declares that "Albany has four +hundred dwelling-houses and twenty-four hundred inhabitants, all +standing with their gable-ends to the street."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 15]</div> +<p>A member of a school committee writes, "We have two school-rooms +sufficiently large to accommodate three hundred pupils, one above the +other."</p> + +<p>A Harrisburg paper, answering a correspondent on a question of +etiquette, says: "When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street, +the lady should walk inside of the gentleman."</p> + +<p>A clergyman writes, "A young woman died in my neighborhood yesterday, +while I was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of +intoxication."</p> + +<p>A certain friendly society, which was also a sort of mutual insurance +organization, had this among its printed notices to the members: "In the +event of your death, you are requested to bring your book, policy, and +certificate at once to Mr. ——, when your claims will have immediate +attention."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 16]</div> +<p>A New York paper, describing a funeral in Jersey City, says: "At the +ferry four friends of the deceased took possession of the carriage and +followed the remains to Evergreen Cemetery, where they were quietly +interred in a new lot without service or ceremony." The devotion of the +friends of the deceased was certainly remarkable, but one can not help +wondering what became of the remains.</p> + +<p>A newspaper gives an account of a man who "was driving an old ox when he +became angry and kicked him, hitting his jawbone with such force as to +break his leg." "We have been fairly wild ever since we read the paper," +writes a contemporary, "to know who or which got angry at whom or what, +and if the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force as to break the ox's +leg, or how it is. Or did the man kick the ox in the jawbone with such +force as to break the ox's leg, and, if so, which leg? It's one of those +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 17]</span> +things which no man can find out, save only the man who kicked or was +being kicked, as the case may be."</p> + +<p>One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish nobleman was rather +equivocal. He wrote, "I hope, my lord, if you ever come within a mile of +my house you will stay there all night."</p> + +<p>A German tourist expresses himself in regard to his Scottish experiences +as follows: "A person angry says to-day that he was from the theatre +gallary spit upon. Very fine. I also was spit upon. Not on the dress but +into the eye strait it came with strong force while I look up angry to +the gallary. Befor I come to your country I worship the Scotland of my +books, my 'Waverly Novel,' you know, but now I dwell here since six +months, in all parts, the picture change. I now know of the bad smell, +the oath and curse of God's name, the wisky drink and the rudeness. You +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 18]</span> +have much money here, but you want what money can not buye—heart +cultivating that makes respect for gentle things. O! to be spit in the +eye in one half million of peopled town. Let me no longer be in this +cold country, where people push in the street, blow the noze with naked +finger, empty the dish at the house door, chooze the clergy from the +lower classes and then go with them to death for an ecclesiastical +theory which none of them can understand. I go home three days time." +There is more in this than grotesque English, however. It abounds with +good sense and penetration.</p> + +<p>The following is a pattern piece of modern style, sanctioned by an +English Board of Trade, and drawn up by an eminent authority: "Tickets +are nipped at the Barriers, and passengers admitted to the platforms +will have to be delivered up to the Company in event of the holders +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 19]</span> +subsequently retiring from the platforms without travelling, and cannot +be recognized for readmission."</p> + +<p>A college professor, describing the effect of the wind in some Western +forests, wrote, "In traveling along the road, I even sometimes found the +logs bound and twisted together to such an extent that a mule couldn't +climb over them, so I went round."</p> + +<p>A mayor in a university town issued the following proclamation: "Whereas +a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of outrageous +Accidents by Fire, we whose names are undesigned have thought proper +that the Benefit of an Engine bought by us for the better extinguishing +of which by the Accidents of Almighty God may unto us happen to make a +Rate togather Benevolence for the better propagating such useful +Instruments."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 20]</div> +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptII">II.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">By Advertisers and on Sign-boards.</span> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> young women want washing.</p> + +<p>Teeth extracted with great pains.</p> + +<p>Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country +photographer.</p> + +<p>Wood and coal split.</p> + +<p> Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good +moral character.</p> + +<p>For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving +Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs.</p> + +<p>A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of the +market.</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 21]</div> +<p>To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calculated for a charger, or would +carry a lady with a switch tail.</p> + +<p>Wanted, a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn of +mind.</p> + +<p>A lady advertises her desire for a husband "with a Roman nose having +strong religious tendencies."</p> + +<p>Wanted, a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist +persuasion.</p> + +<p>A chemist inquires, "Will the gentleman who left his stomach for +analysis please call and get it, together with the result?"</p> + +<p>Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages, $5.00 a week.</p> + +<p>In the far West a man advertises for a woman "to wash, iron and milk one +or two cows."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 22]</div> +<p>Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road +about 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening.</p> + +<p>An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on +very low terms, "six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a +gentleman forty years of age, full of body, and with a high +bouquet."</p> + +<p>A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an excursion, closes thus: +"Tickets, 25 cents; children half price, to be had at the captain's +office."</p> + +<p>Among carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of "a mail phaeton, +the property of a gentleman with a moveable head as good as new."</p> + +<p>An inducement to return property is offered as follows: "If the +gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the +umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 23]</span> +slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage, +as the same is a gift of a deceased mother now no more with the name +engraved upon it."</p> + +<p>An English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows: "A young man +about 25 years of Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will make him +worth £1000, would willingly embrace a suitable MATCH. He has been +brought up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober man."</p> + +<p>A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has +"a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve feet +square"; another has "a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for a +respectable family in good repair"; still another has "a hall bedroom +for a single woman 8 × 12."</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum">[Pg. 24]</span></p> + +<p>A photographer's sign reads: "This style 3 pictures finished in fifteen +minutes while you wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored."</p> + +<p>A cheap restaurant displays this sign: "Oyster pies open all night," and +"Coffee and cakes off the griddle."</p> + +<p>A baker displays the sign, "Family Baking Done Here." The sign would +look more appropriate if it were in front of some of our "cool and +well-ventilated" summer-resort hotels.</p> + +<p>The sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, is accompanied by +this quaint verse:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"I'm Abraham Lowe, and half way up the hill,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">If I were higher up wat's funnier still,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">I should be Lowe. Come in and take your fill</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Of porter, ale, wine, spirits what you will.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Step in, my friend, I pray no further go,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">My prices, like myself, are always low."</span> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 25]</div> +<p>On a vacant lot back of Covington, Kentucky, is posted this sign: "No +plane base Boll on these Primaces."</p> + +<p>Notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat: "The seats in this cabin are reserved +for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies +are seated."</p> + +<p>A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as follows: "John Smith, teacher of +cowtillions and other dances—grammar taut in the neatest manner—fresh +salt herrin on draft—likewise Goodfreys cordjial—rutes sassage and +other garden truck—N. B. bawl on friday nite—prayer meetin +chuesday—also salme singing by the quire."</p> + +<p>The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn: +"All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of +the law or any other garbage."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 26]</div> +<p>A barber's sign in Buffalo, N.Y., has the following: "This is the place +for physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and +shampooing."</p> + +<p>A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspirations, proclaims his +superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his +establishment:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"No day was e'er so bright,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">So black was never a night,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">As will your boots be, if you get</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Them blacked right in here, you bet!"</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce Dyas +Coblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggs +laid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady can +have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because I +can't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 27]</div> +<p>An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type:</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Within this hive we're all alive,</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">With whiskey sweet as honey;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">If you are dry, step in and try,</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">But don't forget your money."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>An inn near London displays a board with the following +inscription:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"<i>Call</i>—Softly,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Drink</i> Moderately,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Pay <i>Honourably</i>;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Be good Company,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Part FRIENDLY,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Go HOME quietly.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Let those lines be no MAN'S sorrow,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Pay to DAY and i'll TRUST tomorrow."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 28]</div> +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptIII">III.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">For Epitaphs.</span> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">A terse</span> account of an untimely end is +given upon a stone in a Mexican church-yard:</p> <div class="poem"> <div + class="stanza"> <span class="in1em">"He was young, he was + fair</span><br /> <span class="in1em">But the Injuns raised his + hair."</span><br /> </div> </div> + +<p>The following may be read upon the tombstone of Lottie Merrill, the +young huntress of Wayne County, Pennsylvania: "Lottie Merrill lays hear +she dident know wot it wuz to be afeered but she has hed her last tussel +with the bars and theyve scooped her she was a good girl and she is now +in heaven. It took six big bars to get away with her. She was only 18 +years old."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 29]</div> +<p>Upon the tomb of a boy who died of eating too much fruit, this quaint +epitaph conveys a moral:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"<i>Currants</i> have check'd the <i>current</i> of my blood,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And <i>berries</i> brought me to be <i>buried</i> here;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Pears</i> have <i>par'd</i> off my body's hardihood,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And <i>plums</i> and <i>plumbers</i> <i>spare</i> not one so <i>spare</i>.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Fain</i> would I <i>feign</i> my fall; so <i>fair</i> a <i>fare</i></span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Lessens</i> not hate, yet 'tis a <i>lesson</i> good.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Gilt</i> will not long hide <i>guilt</i>, such thin washed <i>ware</i></span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Wears</i> quickly, and its <i>rude</i> touch soon is <i>rued</i>.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Grave</i> on my <i>grave</i> some sentence <i>grave</i> and terse,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">That <i>lies</i> not as it <i>lies</i> upon my clay,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">But in a gentle <i>strain</i> of <i>unstrained</i> verse,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Prays</i> all to pity a poor patty's <i>prey</i>,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Rehearses</i> I was fruitful to my <i>hearse</i>,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em"><i>Tells</i> that my days are <i>told</i>, and soon I'm <i>toll'd</i> away."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 30]</div> +<p>In Glasgow Cathedral is an epitaph, which is engraved on the lid of a +very old sarcophagus, discovered in the crypt:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Our Life's a flying Shadow, God's the Pole,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">The Index pointing at him is our Soul,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Death's the Horizon, when our Sun is set,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Which will through Chryst a Resurrection get."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>In a grave-yard at Montrose, in Scotland, this inscription may still be +seen:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies the Body of</span><br /> +<span class="in3em">George Young</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And of all his posterity for</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">fifty years backwards."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + + +<p>This brief announcement may be read in Wrexham church-yard, +Wales:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies five babies and children dear</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Three at Owestry and two here."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 31]</div> +<p>In a church-yard near London the following may be deciphered:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Killed by an omnibus why not?</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">So quick a death a boon is</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Let not his friends lament his lot</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">For mors omnibus communis."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>There is an unqualified Hibernianism in the following:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in2em">"Here lies the remains of</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Thomas Melstrom who died</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">in Philadelphia March 17th</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Had he lived he would have</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">been buried here."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>A good deal of positive information is conveyed in this +epitaph:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">The wife of Deacon Amos Shute;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">She died of drinking too much coffee,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Anny dominy eighteen forty."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 32]</div> +<p>To the victim of an accident:</p> + +<p>"Here lies the body of James Hambrick which was accidentally shot in the +Pacas River by a young man with one of Colts large revolvers with no +stopper for the hand for to rest on. It was one of the old fashioned +sort, brass mounted and of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."</p> + +<p>William Curtis, who was famous for his bad grammar, may have composed +his own epitaph:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies William Curtis</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Our late Lord Mayor</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Who has left this world,</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">And gone to that there."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>In a church-yard in London, evidently written by a Cockney:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies John Ross.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Kicked by a Hoss."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 33]</div> +<p>In Trinity church-yard, New York, this inscription may be read:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Val. ——</span><br /> +<span class="in5em">Sidney Breese.</span><br /> +<span class="in6em">June 9 17—.</span><br /> +<span class="in4em">Made by himself.</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Ha! Sidney, Sidney</span><br /> +<span class="in4em">Liest thou here?</span><br /> +<span class="in6em">I lye here</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Till Times last Extremity."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Upon a stone, under the Grocers' Arms, is this inscription, in memory +of Garrard, a tea-dealer:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Garret some called him</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">But that was too lye</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">His name is Garrard</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Who now here doth lye</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Weepe not for him</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Since he is gone before</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">To heaven where Grocers</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">There are many more."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 34]</div> +<p>The value of phonetic spelling is set forth in this terse +memorial:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">One died of his wounds, the other was drounded."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>Resignation and an eye to the main chance are combined in the +following:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Beneath this stone, in hope of Zion</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Doth lie the landlord of the Lion,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">His son keeps in the business still</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Resigned unto the heavenly Will."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>In a church-yard in Wiltshire, England:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Beneath this stone lies our dear child</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Whos' gone away from we</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">For evermore into eternity;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">When we do hope that we shall go to he</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">But him can never come back to we."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 35]</div> +<p>On Mrs. Sarah Newman:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Pain was my portion</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Physic was my food</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Groans was my devotion</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Drugs done me no good.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Christ was my physician</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Knew what way was best</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">To ease me of my pain</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">He took my soul to rest."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>An inscription to four wives:</p> + +<p>"To the memory of my four wives, who all died within the space of ten +years, but more perteckler to the last Mrs. Sally Horne who has left me +and four dear children, she was a good, <i>sober</i> and <i>clean</i> +soul and may i soon go to her.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Dear wives if you and i shall all go to heaven,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">The Lord be blest for then we shall be even.</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="in10em">"William Joy Horne, Carpenter."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 36]</div> +<p>On a dyer:</p> +<blockquote><p>"He died to live and lived to dye."</p></blockquote> + +<p>On Mrs. Lee and her son:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"In her life she did her best</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Now I hope her soul's at rest.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Also her son Tom lies at her feet</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">He lived till he made both ends meet."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>At Edinburgh:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"John Mc pherson</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Was a wonderful person</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">He stood 6 ft 2 without his shoe</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And he was slew.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">At Waterloo."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>One John Round was lost at sea, and in the grave-yard of his native +place a stone was erected with the following couplet inscribed +thereon:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Under this bed lies John Round</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Who was lost at sea and never found."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 37]</div> +<p>In an old church-yard in Ireland:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Here lies John Highley whose father and mother were drownded on their +passage to America. Had they lived they would have been buried +here."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>In a church-yard in Ohio:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Under this sod</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">And under these trees</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Lieth the Bod</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Y of Solomon Pease.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">He's not in this hole</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">But only his pod.</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">He shelled out his soul</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">And went up to his God."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>From a tombstone in Cornwall, England:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="">"Father and mother and I</span><br /> +<span class="">Lie buried here asunder;</span><br /> +<span class="">Father and mother lie buried here,</span><br /> +<span class="">And I lie buried yonder."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 38]</div> +<p>On Eliza Newman:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="">"Like a tender Rose Tree was my Spouse to me;</span><br /> +<span class="">Her offspring Pluckt too long deprived of life was she.</span><br /> +<span class=""><i>Three went before.</i> Her Life went with the Six</span><br /> +<span class="">I stay with 3 Our sorrows for to mix</span><br /> +<span class="">Till Christ our only hope, Our Joys doth fix."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>On a drummer, in an English church-yard:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Tom Clark was a drummer, who went to the war,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And was killed by a bullet, and his soul sent for;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">There were no friends to mourn him, for his virtues were rare,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">He died like a man, and like a Christian bear."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 39]</div> +<p>On a stone near Appomattox Court-house, Virginia:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Robert C Wright was born June 26th 1772 Died July 2. 1815 by the blood +thrusty hand of John Sweeny Sr Who was massacred with the Nife then a +London Gun discharge a ball penetrate the Heart that give the immortal +wound."</p></blockquote> + +<p>At Middletown, Connecticut, is the following:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"This lovely, pleasant child—</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">He was our only one,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Altho' we've buried three before—</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Two daughters and a son."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The controlling power of rhyme is well illustrated in the subjoined, +from a tombstone in Manchester:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies alas! more's the pity,</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">All that remains of Nicholas Newcity.</span><br /> +<span class="in3em">"N. B.—His name was Newtown."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 40]</div> +<p>Another instance of how rhyming difficulties may be overcome is as +follows:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">The most amiable of husbands and excellent of men.</span><br /> +</div> +</div> +<blockquote> +<p>"N. B.—His real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't come in +rhyme. <i>His Widow.</i>"</p></blockquote> + +<p>The subjoined contains a solemn warning:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"My wife has left me, she's gone up on high,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">She was thoughtful while dying, and said 'Tom, don't cry.'</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">She was a great beauty, so every one knows,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">With Hebe like features and a fine Roman nose;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">She played the piany, and was learning a ballad,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">When she sickened and die-did from eating veal salad."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 41]</div> +<p>Upon a tombstone in Pennsylvania:</p> +<div class="center"> +"Battle of Shiloh.<br /> +April 6 1862 +</div> + +<blockquote><p>John D L was born March 26 1839 in the town of West Dresden +State of New York where the wicked cease from troubling and +the weary are at rest."</p></blockquote> + +<p>A tombstone in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, has these lines:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"When you my friends are passing by,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And this inform you where I lie,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Remember you ere long must have,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Like me, a mansion in the grave,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Also 3 infants, 2 sons and a daughter."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 42]</div> +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptIV">IV.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">By Correspondents.</span> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">From</span> a butcher at Berhampoor, India, to a +customer:</p> + +<p>"To his Highness—Kid Esquire</p> + +<blockquote><p>"The humble butcher, Nows Rouny, Restpectfully sheweth that for your +honor has sent a good beef, 1 rump and pleased to take it and pay day +labor of bearer coolly. As your obedient butcher shall ever +pray."</p></blockquote> + +<p>From a scholar in India to his master:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"My dear Sir: I humbly beg to inform you pleas to give me leaf for one +week because I cannot walk with my feet, I am very <span +class="pagenum">[Pg. 43]</span> +uncomfortable. Give +my compliments to My Master. I pray to God for Everlasting life. I am +your humble Servant Shebart Lall."</p></blockquote> + +<p>From an Indian school-boy:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Benevolent Sir: The wolf of sickness has laid hold on +the flock of my health."</p></blockquote> + +<p>From an Indian clerk:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Sir. Being afflicted to the stomach and vomiteng I am +sorry I cannot attend to office today."</p></blockquote> + +<p>From a Canadian lady to eligible gentleman:</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Dear Mr. B. I, Mrs. Wigston wish you would call on my +daughter Amelia. She is very amusing and is a regular young flirt. She +can sing like a hunny bee and her papa can play on the fiddle nicely +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 44]</span> +and we might have a rare ho-down. Amelia is highely educated, she can +dance like a grasshopper looking for grub and she can meke beautiful +bread, it tastes just like hunny bees' bread and for pumpkin pies she +can't be beat. In fact she's ahead of all F girls and will make a good +wife for any man.</p> + +<p>"Yours truly<br /> +"Mrs. Wigston.</p> + +<p>"Bring your brother."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>From a school-boy to the elder Booth:</p> +<blockquote> +<div> +<span class="in2em block">"West House School. Prospect N.Y.<br /> + "Dear Sur and Frend.</span> +</div> + +<p>"Heering that you was going to come to Uttica to perform in a play +called Hamlit I would like to say that us boys is gitting up a Exibition +for the benefit of diseased soldiers and their widows and orfans and +would like to engage you to do the leading part. I have talked it up +with the boys and we will do the squire thing by you and I am arterised +to make you the following offer. We will come doun after you with a good +conveyance and will give you at the rate of 10 dollars a day and board +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 45]</span> +and shall want you one week. If you think it necessary you can have one +or two of our best women actors to come up with you but we can't pay +them over three dollars a day and feed. You can have some fun at a +hunting deer and foxes around Flamburgs and Ed Wilkisun's. Pleas let me +know as soon as you can.</p> + +<p class="ralign">"Yours truly James Sweet.</p> + +<p>"If you come callating to hunt get Frank Meyer's hound she is a good +one."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>We subjoin several letters received by a New York publishing +house:</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="ralign">"—— La, Nov 18, 188-.</p> + +<p>"Dear Sir. I have seated my self down to pen you a few lines in reguards +off your high degrode Tex Books Sir I wish you would forward to me in +the next Mail a Cataloudge off all of your Edgucational old and latest +publish books in Market I stand in need off a good set of books and when +I receive your Cataloudge I will send on immeadily and get a Selecticed +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 46]</span> +outfit of your books. By so doing you will oblidge yours & Etc."</p> + +<p>"dear Sr I saw A smawl list of yours embraces standard works in every +department of study and for every grade of classes from the <i>primary</i> +school to the <i>university</i> I desire to have correspondence with you and +as I taught school for threw 3 seson in the ninth district of Fuentress +County tennessee and i quit eimet with Cooper and our country need +instruction and except we get the implement for instruction we may all +ways espect ignorant. turn over. Mr I want you to send educational list +of your standard works and also A copy Book that I may instruct my +studentes more correctly and I profer to take Agents if hit is not +contrary to law if your work can sold with out paing tax or lison</p> + +<p>"and A blige youres truley Joel E Atkinson school teacher 9 deistrict +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 47]</span> +Fuentress co Logan Finch Chareles Atkinson J Hall e school directers in +my distrectes."</p> + +<p>"Dear Sir I want you to send me a catalogue the Emblem book and tell me +what it will cost I think I can Sell as Many as Fifteen be sure and give +the Price that is what they want to know Dear Sir I Received your Copy +Oct 9th 1881 if you charge Any thing for composeing them letters write +to me and I will pay will Send it by Mail in one cent stamps you need +not to think I want to swinle you out of one cent I will do Every thing +I say I will do So if you will write and give the Price of the Emblem +and the love writer and chart and key of the Spenserion cystem and they +like I will get up a subscription and send the Money for them +immediately Dear Sir tell me what is the Emblem of a red rose and white +rose of a boca."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 48]</div> +<p>"Dear Sir:</p> + +<p>"Wilt please send me a description of your outfit of Books and give me +one or two iedies abought the catalogue price of your English, Latin +Greek brench and stanish Italian Hebrew and Siyuriak books to my +address. I has issued out orders bot comisition &c—my trustee tell me +that only two D V z and in New York at the time it Feby. the 15 my No of +books is twenty five and I desire one complet Example of your best books +if you can Conven'y furnish my needs wright at once I will be more an +obliged to you. Looking by every mail for your returns Soon, so please +your truly servant.</p> + +<div> +<span class="block ralign">"I am dear Sir:           </span> +<span class="block ralign" style="margin-top: .010em;">"My name in Full    </span> +<span class="block ralign" style="margin-top: .010em;">"* * * *."</span> +</div> + +<p>"Dear Sir:</p> + +<p>"Understanding that You possess some Influence among the Bord of +Directors of your fine books and for useful learning for Schools I beg +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 49]</span> +to Solicit your interest for Me I want to Purchase Some Usful Books and +Messrs please send me one of your Cataloges you well obligde me Much in +so doing, & Far my Friends I Will tell You I have a great many of +Relitives who would wish to Purchase some book if could be bought from +you below Price My Frend you must excuse my Hasty note for the Small +time Was at Hand and all so my Frend you must excuse my Led Pensel. +Wright my soon Frend I will close and will shew you that you will be +remembered by Sirs Your Obedient & Fathful Servants +——."</p> + +<p>"Sir: I now write to you to ask you information on book lines Sir. i +have seen some of your books and the suited me very much on Edjucational +and Sir i did suspect to start To Teach School in the Same Ward And i +Wanted to get a fenel Resortment of of Books and i Wanted To get My +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 50]</span> +books from you and i Wanted Like to know how you Would Reply me them And +i hope when you Riseived this Letter that you Would Write Wright away At +once And give me the full Address how to send for These Books And i Want +to Know Wethe I give you the Wright Address Sir your Friend —— Would +like To Read A Letter from under your Hand And i Want you To please To +give me your Address of All kines of Books that yu have i Exspect to +start School soon & i had much Applications By pupils that Lives A. +Rounds in the Sections Where i Lives ses ef i gets the Books they Would +Buy them from me i hope that you Would Wright As Soon as Posable And Let +me know so that i Can Write Again And please To Send me some of your +paper so that i Can Read them to the people so Them Can Believe that i +did wrote here When you Write please To Direct your Letter to —— so i +hope you Will Write Soon And please fail not To Send me some of your +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 51]</span> +Papers And Direct me how To Get Money to you When i Send for Books fail +not To Direct your Letter to —— Post-office. So i have no more to +Write i Will Close & Remain Your Truly Friend."</p> + +<p class="ralign">"M—— Ala.</p> + +<p>"Oct 13th 1881. Dear Sir Dear Friend you will please Send me one line of +capitals letters one line of the small letters and Show me the space how +far up and how far down and write & tell me what the chart and frey with +cost, the chart of the Standard System is the one I want. there is Eight +men I have shewn your copy you sent to me they say they intend to have +one chart a piece Dear Sir I have been talking with Several young Men +about love writers I want you to compose three letters consisting of +love and poetry write one as though you loved her and want to marry her. +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 52]</span> +one as though she had Slighted you. the Next one as you think best +Compose them and Send them to me and I will shew them to the Boys I am +satisfied they will be sure to by."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Letter to an editor:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Sir—:</p> + +<p>"The hystoric apple that tossed about and struck Sir Isaac Newton landed +finally, in revealing its inner nature its hidden meaning, not only as a +consolation but also of universal utility in all scientific branges:</p> + +<p>"Or out of the simbols of the ancient World, up to the real discoveries +of the present time proceeded the solution of the relation of the +Eternal time, motion, and distance. Which set forte the discovery of the +generational cosmological Parents of this planet, are discovered that +these can be seen by all mankind.</p> + +<p class="ralign">"Resp."</p></blockquote> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 53]</div> +<p>Letter received by a cotton-broker:</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="ralign">"Flat Town Dec. 30th</p> + +<p>"Messrs.</p> + +<p class="in3em">"J—— W—— & Co</p> + +<p class="in10em">"Sir. Gentlemen.</p> + +<p>"The shipments from this out the balance of the season will be for more +on the count. last year was a short crop and two weeks erly than this +season and people sold rite strate a long here last season and the +biggest and best farmers this season are holding looking forward to +Biger prices I have gathered 80 bales and 15 or 16 more in the field yet +to pick so you see when I make my estimate in this county they are a +power of cotton on the fields yet to pick and a grate eel in houses not +gined up yet, gust act as if those deals were your own shood you close +them out gust credit my account with the profitts but dont close them +out until you think it has tuch bottom then I want you to by me the same +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 54]</span> +amount but don't by till you think it the rite time and then shood you +see a proffit in it Turn it loose without ever consulting me if it +clears up cold we will have Kilan frost but it can't hurt here for the +crop is made.</p> + +<p class="ralign">"I remain yours very truly."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Another letter to a cotton-broker:</p> +<blockquote> +<p class="ralign">"Messrs. W—— W—— & Co.</p> + +<p>"Sir Gents</p> + +<p>"I have gust got in form the West and find your letter stating that corn +had touched bottom which I do think myself it has, but it has avanced so +much now I don't noe that it wood pay me much either way now. had I bin +at home I shood of closed out and of Bout the same amount was my Idee. +we are from ten days to fully two weeks backwards with our crops owing +to our wet weather but that donte say they won't be as much made as was +last year while we are backward there are more fertilizers yoused than +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 55]</span> +ware last year and more Acreage our country is in a better condision to +make a crop and I expect the west ginerally that way at the same time I +am only one neighbourhood. pleas let me hear from you more fully on the +matter hoping to hear from you soon I remain</p> + +<p class="ralign">"yours verry truly</p> + +<p class="in4em">"I will act according to your council."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>A Georgia merchant received a short time since the following order from +a customer: "Mr. B——, please send me $1 worth of coffy and +$1 worth of shoogar, some small nales. My wife had a baby last nite, +also two padlocks and a monkey rench."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 56]</div> +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptV">V.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">By the Effusive.</span> +</div> + +<p>Professor Huxley is credited with the assertion that the primrose is "a +corollifloral dicotyledonous exogen, with a monopetalous corolla and a +central placenta."</p> + +<p>A reporter with a large imagination, writing about the decoration of a +church at a fashionable wedding in this city, said that "the church was +ensconced in flowers."</p> + +<p>A scientific writer defines sneezing as "a phenomenon provoked either by +an excitation brought to bear on the nasal membrane or by a sudden shock +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 57]</span> +of the sun's rays on the membranes of the eye. This peripheral +irritation is transmitted by the trifacial nerve to the Gasserian +ganglion, whence it passes by a commissure to an agglomeration of +globules in the medulla oblongata or in the protuberance; from this +point, by a series of numerous reflex and complicated acts, it is +transformed by the mediation of the spinal cord into a centrifugal +excitation which radiates outward by means of the spinal nerves to the +expiratory muscles."</p> + +<p>The school committee in Massachusetts recommend exercises in English +composition in these terms:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Next to the pleasure that pervades the corridors of the soul when it is +entranced by the whiling witchery that presides over it consequent upon +the almost divine productions of Mozart, Haydn, and Handel, whether +these are executed by magician concert parts in <span +class="pagenum">[58]</span>deep and highly matured +melody from artistic modulated intonations of the finely cultured human +voice, or played by some fairy-fingered musician upon the trembling +strings of the harp or piano, comes the charming delight we experience +from the mastery of English prose, and the spell-binding wizards of song +who by their art of divination through their magic wand, the pen, have +transformed scenes hitherto unknown and made them as immortal as those +spots of the Orient and mountain haunts of the gods, whether of sunny +Italy or of tuneful, heroic Greece."</p></blockquote> + +<p>A farmer's daughter expresses herself in the following terms:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Dear Miss:</p> + +<p>"The energy of the race prompts me to assure you that my request is +forbidden, the idea of which I awkwardly nourished, notwithstanding my +propensity to reserve. Mr. T <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 59]</span>will +be there—Let me with confidence assure you that him and brothers +will be very happy to meet you and brothers. Us girls cannot go, for +reasons. The attention of cows claims our assistance this evening.</p> + +<p class="ralign">"Unalterably yours."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>The following is probably the longest sentence ever written, +containing, as it does, eight hundred words:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"I propose, then, to give your readers some description of this old +yet still strange and wild country, that has been settled for three +hundred years, and is not yet inhabited—a land of shifting sand +and deep mud—a land of noble rivers that rise in swamps and +consist merely of chains of shallow lakes, some of them twenty miles +long and two miles across, and only twelve feet deep—of wide, +sandy plains, covered with solemn-sounding pines—of spots so +barren that nothing can be made to grow upon them, and <span +class="pagenum">[Pg. 60]</span>yet with a soil +so fertile that if you tickle it with a hoe, it will laugh out an +abundant harvest of sugar, cotton, and fruit—a land of oranges, +lemons, pomegranates, pineapples, figs, and bananas; whose rivers teem +with fish, its forests with game, and its very air with fowl; where +everything will grow except apples and wheat; where everything can be +found except ice; yet where the people, with a productive soil, a mild +climate and beautiful nature, affording every table luxury, live on +corn-grist, sweet potatoes, and molasses; where men possessing forty +thousand head of cattle never saw a glass of milk in their lives, using +the imported article when used at all, and then calling it consecrated +milk; where the very effort to milk a cow would probably scare her to +death, as well as frighten a whole neighborhood by the unheard of +phenomenon; where cabbages grow on the tops of trees, and you may dig +bread out of the ground; where, below the frost-line, the +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 61]</span> +castor-oil +plant becomes a large tree of several years' growth, and a pumpkin or +bean-vine will take root from its trailing branches, and thus spread and +live year after year; where cattle do not know what hay is, and refuse +it when offered, so that the purchase of a yoke of oxen is not +considered valid if the animals will not eat in a stable; and where in +the mild winter, when the land grass is dried up, horses and cattle may +be seen wading and swimming in the ponds and streams, plunging their +heads under water grasses and moss; where many lakes have holes in the +bottom and underground communication, so that they will sometimes shrink +away to a mere cupful, leaving many square miles of surface uncovered, +and then again fill up from below and spread out over their former area; +where some of them have outlets in the ocean far from shore, bursting up +a perpetual spring of fresh water in the very midst of the briny +saltness of the sea; <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 62]</span> +where in times of low water, during a long +exhaustive dry season, men have gone under ground in one of these +subterranean rivers, from lake to lake, a distance of eight miles; where +the ground will sometimes sink and the cavity fill with water, until +tall trees, that had stood and sunk upright, will have their topmost +branches deeply covered; where rivers will disappear in the earth and +rise again, thus forming natural bridges, some of them a mile in +breadth; where, instead of spring, summer, autumn, and winter, there are +two seasons only—eight months summer, and four months warm +weather; where the winter is the dry season, and the summer almost a +daily rain; where, in order to take a walk, you first wade through a +light sand ankle deep and then get into a mud-puddle, and some of these +mud-puddles cover a whole county; where no clay is found fit for +brick-making, and people build houses without chimneys; where to make a +living is so easy a <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 63]</span> +task, that every one possesses the laziness of ten +ordinary men, every one you wish to employ in labor says he is tired and +would seem to have been born so; where ague would prevail if the people +would take the trouble to shake; where a large orange-tree will bear +several thousand oranges—leaves, buds, blossom, half-grown and +full-grown fruit, all at once—and every twenty-five feet square of +sand will sustain such a tree; where, in many parts, cold weather is an +impossibility, and perpetual verdure reigns; where the Everglades are +found, covering many large counties with water from one to six feet +deep, with a bottom, mud covered, yet underneath solid and firm, from +which grasses grow up to the surface—a sea of green, and with +islands large and small scattered over the surface, covered with live +oaks and dense vegetation; where alligators, or gators as they are +called in Florida parlance, possess undoubted aboriginal rights <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 64]</span> +of +citizenship, and mosquitoes pay constant visits and are instructive and +even penetrating in their attention to strangers."</p></blockquote> + +<p>An Irish paper contained this account of Mrs. Siddons's +appearance:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"On Sunday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world has been talking, +exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the +first time at Smock Alley Theatre in the bewitching, melting, and all +tearful character of Isabella. From the repeated panegyrics of the +impartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a +heavenly angel, but how were we supernaturally surprised into almost +awful joy at beholding a mortal goddess! The house was crowded with +hundreds more than it could hold, with thousands of admiring spectators +who went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic +excellence! this star of Melpomene! <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 65]</span> +this comet of the stage! this sun of +the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and +princess of tears! this Donellan of the poisoned dagger! this empress of +pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakespeare! this world of weeping +clouds! this Juno commanding aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtains +and scenes! this Proserpine of fire and excitement! this Katterfelto of +wonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond belief and soared above all +the natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was the +most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, +sweet brier, furze blossom, gilliflower, wall flower, cauliflower, +auricula, and rosemary! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! When +expectations were so high, it was thought she would be injured by her +appearance, but it was the audience who were injured: several fainted +before the curtain drew up! When she came to <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 66]</span> +the scene of parting with +her wedding ring, ah! what a sight was there! the very fiddlers in the +orchestra, albeit unused to melting mood, blubbered like hungry children +crying for their bread and butter! and when the bell rang for music +between the acts the tears ran from the bassoon players' eyes in such +plentiful showers that they choked the finger stops, and making a spout +of the instrument poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's book +that not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band +played it in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience +and the noise of corks drawn from smelling bottles prevented the +mistakes between sharps and flats being heard. One hundred and nine +ladies fainted! forty-six went into fits! and ninety-five had strong +hysterics. The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are told +that fourteen children, five old men, one hundred tailors, and six +common councilmen were actually <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 67]</span> +drowned in the inundation of tears that +flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to increase the +briny pond in the pit. The water was three feet deep. An Act of +Parliament will certainly be passed against her playing any +more!"</p></blockquote> + +<p>Few poems have been more generally admired or paraphrased in the various +tongues of earth than that commencing with the lines—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Mary had a little lamb,</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">Its fleece was white as snow,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And everywhere that Mary went</span><br /> +<span class="in2em">This lamb was sure to go."</span><br /> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The story is current at the national capital that Mr. Evarts, when +Secretary of State, on one occasion, in a jocular crowd of his friends, +was desired to condense into prose these immortal verses. Urgently +solicited, Mr. Evarts yielded, and wrote as follows:</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 68]</div> +<blockquote> +<p>"Mary, a female, judged to be of the race of man, whose family name is +unknown, whether of native or foreign birth, of lofty or lowly lineage, +and whose appearance, manners, and mental cultivation are involved in +the most profound mystery, which probably will never be fully +ascertained unless through the most profound researches of an historian +admirably trained in his profession, who shall devote the ablest efforts +of his life to the investigation of the subject, uninfluenced by either +passion or prejudice, and having only in view the sacred truth, at the +same time being utterly regardless of the plaudits or censures of the +world, we are informed by one who, it has been stated, at one time while +living in that part of the United States of America known as +Massachusetts, whose fishermen have frequently been involved in +difficulties with the authorities of her Majesty Queen Victoria, Queen +of Great Britain and Empress of the Indies, whose domains <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 69]</span> +extended over +a large share of the habitable globe, thereby endangering the peace +which should so happily exist between nations of the same blood and +language, had an infant sheep, of which there are many millions of +various stocks and qualities now in our country, constantly adding +wealth and prosperity to our republic, and enabling us to be entirely +independent of all other nations for our supply of wool, now ample for +the use of factories already busily employed, and for those which ere +long will be constructed in all parts of our land, working both by water +and steam power, and in whatever direction the said Mary traveled, this +animal, whose fleece was snow-white, even as the lofty mountain-regions +in the silent solitudes of eternal winter, as the ethereal vapors which +oft float over an autumnal sky, 'darkly, deeply, beautifully blue' or as +the lacteal fluid covered with masses of delicate froth, found in the +buckets of the rosy dairymaid, whether meandering through the meadows in +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 70]</span> +midsummer, gathering the luscious strawberry, strolling in the woodland +paths in search of wild flowers, visiting the church with her uncles, +cousins, and aunts, to listen to the inspired words which come from the +lips of the minister of the sanctuary, or when retiring to her blissful +couch to seek rest and enjoy sweet repose after the cares and labors of +the day; in fact, 'everywhere that Mary went' this youthful sheep, +influenced doubtless by that affection which is oft so conspicuously +manifested by the lower animals in their association with human beings, +was ever observed to accompany her."</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 71]</div> +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptVI">VI.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">How she can be Oddly Wrote.</span> +</div> + +<p>The following amusing rhyme clipped from an old paper shows to advantage +some of the peculiarities of the English language:</p> + +<p class="center">SALLY SALTER.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Sally Salter, she was a young teacher, that taught,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And her friend Charley Church was a preacher, who praught;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">Though his friends all declared him a screecher, who scraught.</span><br /> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 72]</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking, and sunk,</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">And his eyes, meeting hers, kept winking, and wunk;</span><br /> +<span class="in1em">While she, in her turn, fell to thinking, and thunk.</span><br /> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed,</span> +<span class="in1em">For his love for her grew—to a mountain it grewed,</span> +<span class="in1em">And what he was longing to do, then he doed.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke:</span> +<span class="in1em">To seek with his lips what his heart had long soke;</span> +<span class="in1em">So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">He asked her to ride to the church and they rode;</span> +<span class="in1em">They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode,</span> +<span class="in1em">And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode.</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 73]</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Then "Homeward," he said, "let us drive," and they drove,</span> +<span class="in1em">As soon as they wished to arrive they arrove;</span> +<span class="in1em">For whatever he couldn't contrive she controve.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole,</span> +<span class="in1em">At the feet where he wanted to kneel, there he knole,</span> +<span class="in1em">And he said, "I feel better than ever I fole."</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">So they to each other kept clinging, and clung,</span> +<span class="in1em">While Time his swift circuit was winging, and wung;</span> +<span class="in1em">And this was the thing he was bringing, and brung:</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught—</span> +<span class="in1em">That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught,</span> +<span class="in1em">Was the one that she now liked to scratch, and she scraught.</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 74]</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">And Charley's warm love began freezing and froze,</span> +<span class="in1em">While he took to teasing, and cruelly tose</span> +<span class="in1em">The girl he had wished to be squeezing and squoze.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Wretch!" he cried, when she threatened to leave him, and left,</span> +<span class="in1em">"How could you deceive me, as you have deceft?"</span> +<span class="in1em">And she answered, "I promised to cleave, and I've cleft!"</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Plodding Changes.</span>—Some of our plodding readers may like to peruse the +following curious variations of the well-known line from Gray's "Elegy," +"The ploughman homeward plods his weary way":</p> + +<p>The weary ploughman homeward plods his way.</p> + +<p>The weary ploughman plods his homeward way.</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 75]</div> + +<p>The homeward ploughman plods his weary way.</p> + +<p>The homeward ploughman, weary, plods his way.</p> + +<p>The homeward, weary, ploughman plods his way.</p> + +<p>The weary, homeward ploughman plods his way.</p> + +<p>Homeward the weary ploughman plods his way.</p> + +<p>Homeward, weary, the ploughman plods his way.</p> + +<p>Homeward the ploughman plods his weary way.</p> + +<p>Homeward the ploughman, weary, plods his way.</p> + +<p>Weary, the homeward ploughman plods his way.</p> + +<p>Weary, homeward the ploughman plods his way.</p> + +<p>Weary, the ploughman plods his homeward way.</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 76]</div> +<p>The ploughman plods his homeward, weary way.</p> + +<p>The ploughman plods his weary homeward way.</p> + +<p>The ploughman homeward, weary, plods his way.</p> + +<p>The ploughman, weary, homeward plods his way.</p> + +<p>The ploughman, weary, plods his homeward way.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"My Madeline! My Madeline!</span> +<span class="in1em">Mark my melodious midnight moans;</span> +<span class="in1em">Much may my melting music mean,</span> +<span class="in1em">My modulated monotones.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"My mandolin's mild minstrelsy,</span> +<span class="in1em">My mental music magazine,</span> +<span class="in1em">My mouth, my mind, my memory,</span> +<span class="in1em">Must mingling murmur, 'Madeline.'</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Muster 'mid midnight masquerades,</span> +<span class="in1em">Mark Moorish maidens', matrons' mien,</span> + <span class="pagenum">[Pg. 77]</span> +<span class="in1em">'Mongst Murcia's most majestic maids,</span> +<span class="in1em">Match me my matchless Madeline.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Mankind's malevolence may make</span> +<span class="in1em">Much melancholy music mine;</span> +<span class="in1em">Many my motives may mistake,</span> +<span class="in1em">My modest merits much malign.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"My Madeline's most mirthful mood</span> +<span class="in1em">Much mollifies my mind's machine;</span> +<span class="in1em">My mournfulness' magnitude</span> +<span class="in1em">Melts—makes me merry, Madeline!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Match-making mas may machinate,</span> +<span class="in1em">Manoeuvring misses me misween;</span> +<span class="in1em">Mere money may make many mate,</span> +<span class="in1em">My magic motto's—'Madeline!'</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Melt, most mellifluous melody,</span> +<span class="in1em">'Midst Murcia's misty mounts marine,</span> +<span class="in1em">Meet me by moonlight—marry me,</span> +<span class="in1em">Madonna mia!—Madeline."</span> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 78]</div> + +<p>It is well known that the letter <i>e</i> is used more than any other letter +in the English alphabet. Each of the following verses contains every +letter of the alphabet except the letter <i>e</i>:</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"A jovial swain should not complain</span> +<span class="in2em">Of any buxom fair</span> +<span class="in1em">Who mocks his pain and thinks it gain</span> +<span class="in2em">To quiz his awkward air.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Quixotic boys who look for joys,</span> +<span class="in2em">Quixotic hazards run;</span> +<span class="in1em">A lass annoys with trivial toys,</span> +<span class="in2em">Opposing man for fun.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"A jovial swain may rack his brain,</span> +<span class="in2em">And tax his fancy's might;</span> +<span class="in1em">To quiz is vain, for 'tis most plain</span> +<span class="in2em">That what I say is right"</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="in10em"><i>Northampton</i> (<i>England</i>) <i>Courier.</i></p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 79]</div> +<p>Here is the result of a rhyming punster's efforts:</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"A pretty deer is dear to me,</span> +<span class="in2em">A hare with downy hair,</span> +<span class="in1em">A hart I love with all my heart,</span> +<span class="in2em">But barely bear a bear.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"><span class="in1em">"'Tis plain that no one takes a plane</span></span> +<span class="in2em">To pare a pair of pears,</span> +<span class="in1em">Although a rake may take a rake</span> +<span class="in2em">To tear away the tares.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Sol's rays raise thyme, time raises all,</span> +<span class="in2em">And through the whole holes wears.</span> +<span class="in1em">A scribe in writing right may write</span> +<span class="in2em">To write and still be wrong;</span> +<span class="in1em">For write and rite are neither right,</span> +<span class="in2em">And don't to right belong.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Robertson is not Robert's son,</span> +<span class="in2em">Nor did he rob Burt's son,</span> +<span class="in1em">Yet Robert's sun is Robin's sun,</span> +<span class="in2em">And everybody's sun.</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 80]</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Beer often brings a bier to man,</span> +<span class="in2em">Coughing a coffin brings,</span> +<span class="in1em">And too much ale will make us ail,</span> +<span class="in2em">As well as other things.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"The person lies who says he lies</span> +<span class="in2em">When he is not reclining;</span> +<span class="in1em">And when consumptive folks decline,</span> +<span class="in2em">They all decline declining.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Quails do not quail before a storm.</span> +<span class="in2em">A bow will bow before it;</span> +<span class="in1em">We cannot rein the rain at all,</span> +<span class="in2em">No earthly power reigns o'er it.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"The dyer dyes awhile, then dies—</span> +<span class="in2em">To dye he's always trying;</span> +<span class="in1em">Until upon his dying bed</span> +<span class="in2em">He thinks no more of dyeing.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"A son of Mars mars many a son,</span> +<span class="in2em">All Deys must have their days;</span> +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 81]</span> +<span class="in1em">And every knight should pray each night</span> +<span class="in2em">To him who weighs his ways.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"'Tis meet that man should mete out meat</span> +<span class="in2em">To feed one's fortune's sun;</span> +<span class="in1em">The fair should fare on love alone,</span> +<span class="in2em">Else one cannot be won.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Alas, a lass is sometimes false;</span> +<span class="in2em">Of faults a maid is made;</span> +<span class="in1em">Her waist is but a barren waste—</span> +<span class="in2em">Though stayed she is not staid.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"The springs shoot forth each spring and shoots</span> +<span class="in2em">Shoot forward one and all;</span> +<span class="in1em">Though summer kills the flowers, it leaves</span> +<span class="in2em">The leaves to fall in fall.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"I would a story here commence,</span> +<span class="in2em">But you might think it stale;</span> +<span class="in1em">So we'll suppose that we have reached</span> +<span class="in2em">The tail end of our tale."</span> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 82]</div> +<p>And here is a zoölogical romance, by C. F. Adams, inspired by an unusual +flow of animal spirits:</p> + +<div class="poem"> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">No sweeter girl ewe ever gnu</span> +<span class="in1em">Than Betty Martin's daughter Sue.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">With sable hare, small tapir waist,</span> +<span class="in1em">And lips you'd gopher miles to taste;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle,</span> +<span class="in1em">Sheep pertly brought to bear so well;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Ape pretty lass it was avowed,</span> +<span class="in1em">Of whom her marmot to be proud.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Deer girl! I loved her as my life,</span> +<span class="in1em">And vowed to heifer for my wife.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Alas! A sailor on the sly,</span> +<span class="in1em">Had cast on her his wether eye.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">He said my love for her was bosh,</span> +<span class="in1em">And my affection I musquash.</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 83]</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">He'd dog her footsteps everywhere,</span> +<span class="in1em">Anteater in the easy-chair;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">He'd setter round, this sailor chap,</span> +<span class="in1em">And pointer out upon the map</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Where once a pirate cruiser boar</span> +<span class="in1em">Him captive to a foreign shore.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">The cruel captain far outdid</span> +<span class="in1em">The yaks and crimes of Robert Kid.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">He oft would whale Jack with the cat,</span> +<span class="in1em">And say, "My buck, doe you like that?</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"What makes you stag around so, say?</span> +<span class="in1em">The catamounts to something, hey?"</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Then he would seal it with an oath,</span> +<span class="in1em">And say: "You are a lazy sloth!</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"I'll starve you down, my sailor fine,</span> +<span class="in1em">Until for beef and porcupine!"</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 84]</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">And, fairly horse with fiendish laughter,</span> +<span class="in1em">Would say, "Henceforth, mind what giraffe ter!"</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">In short, the many risks he ran</span> +<span class="in1em">Might well a llama braver man;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Then he was wrecked and castor shore</span> +<span class="in1em">While feebly clinging to anoa;</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Hyena cleft among the rocks</span> +<span class="in1em">He crept, <i>sans</i> shoes and minus ox.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">And when he fain would go to bed,</span> +<span class="in1em">He had to lion leaves instead.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Then Sue would say, with troubled face,</span> +<span class="in1em">"How koodoo live in such a place?"</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">And straightway into tears would melt,</span> +<span class="in1em">And say, "How badger must have felt!"</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin,</span> +<span class="in1em">And say, "Aye-aye, my lass!" and grin.</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 85]</div> +<p class="in1em">* * * * * * *</p> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Excuse these steers.... It's over now;</span> +<span class="in1em">There's naught like grief the hart can cow.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Jackass'd her to be his, and she—</span> +<span class="in1em">She gave Jackal, and jilted me.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">And now, alas! the little minks</span> +<span class="in1em">Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx.</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="in10em">—<i>Detroit Free Press.</i></p> + +<p>While upon the subject of puns, we might quote the following, clipped +from the "Graphic":</p> + +<p>"On being consulted about it Spikes says that Uncle Sam aunticipates the +transfer of the Indian Bureau to some mother department, and if this +should father improve the condition of the children of the forest, in +sondry ways, by cousin them to be more comfortable, it would be a niece +arrangement and daughter be made." We are inclined, in nephew instances, +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 86]</span> +to agree with the gramma, but not the spelling.</p> + +<p>The "Graphic" is also responsible for the following English stanza +transformed into Russian, said to have been found in a room after it had +been vacated by Alexis while in this country. It is introduced as an +example of how "she can be oddly wrote":</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">"Owata jollitimiv ad</span> +<span class="in1em">Sinci tooklevov mioldad!</span> +<span class="in1em">Owata merricoviv bin—</span> +<span class="in1em">Ivespenta nawful pilovtin!</span> +<span class="in1em">Damsorri tolevami now,</span> +<span class="in1em">But landigoshenjingo vow,</span> +<span class="in1em">Thetur kishwar mustavastop</span> +<span class="in1em">Gotele graphitoff topop."</span> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The following clever paraphrase of the old rhythmic story of "Jack's +House" is a good illustration of the scope and flexibility of our +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 87]</span> +language, and suggests the fact that tautological errors of writing need +seldom be committed.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em">Behold the mansion reared by dĉdal Jack.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack,</span> +<span class="in1em"> In the proud cirque of Ivan's bivouac.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Mark how the Rat's felonious fangs invade</span> +<span class="in1em"> The golden stores in John's pavilion laid.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Anon, with velvet foot and Tarquin strides,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Subtle Grimalkin to his quarry glides—</span> +<span class="in1em"> Grimalkin grim, that slew the fierce <i>rodent</i></span> +<span class="in1em"> Whose tooth insidious Johann's sackcloth rent.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Lo! now the deep-mouthed canine foe's assault,</span> +<span class="in1em"> That vexed the avenger of the stolen malt,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall</span> +<span class="in1em"> That rose complete at Jack's creative call.</span> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 88]</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Here stalks the impetuous Cow with crumpled horn,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Whereon the exacerbating hound was torn,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Who bayed the feline slaughter-beast that slew</span> +<span class="in1em"> The Rat predaceous, whose keen fangs ran through</span> +<span class="in1em"> The textile fibers that involved the grain</span> +<span class="in1em"> That lay in Hans' inviolate domain.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Here walks forlorn the Damsel, crowned with rue,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Lactiferous spoils from vaccine dugs, who drew</span> +<span class="in1em"> Of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn</span> +<span class="in1em"> Tossed to the clouds, in fierce vindictive scorn,</span> +<span class="in1em"> The harrowing hound, whose braggart bark and stir</span> +<span class="in1em"> Arched the lithe spine and reared the indignant fur</span> +<span class="in1em"> Of Puss, that with verminicidal claw</span> +<span class="in1em"> Struck the weird Rat, in whose insatiate maw</span> +<span class="in1em"> Lay reeking malt, that erst in Ivan's courts we saw</span> +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 89]</span> +<span class="in1em"> Robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth</span> +<span class="in1em"> Too long a prey to Chronos' iron tooth.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Behold the man whose amorous lips incline,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Full with young Eros' osculative sign,</span> +<span class="in1em"> To the lorn maiden whose lact-albic hands,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands</span> +<span class="in1em"> Of that immortal bovine, by whose horn</span> +<span class="in1em"> Distort, to realm ethereal was borne</span> +<span class="in1em"> The beast catulean, vexer of that sly</span> +<span class="in1em"> Ulysses quadrupedal, who made die</span> +<span class="in1em"> The old mordacious Rat, that dared devour</span> +<span class="in1em"> Antecedaneous Ale, in John's domestic bower.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> Lo, here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct</span> +<span class="in1em"> Of saponaceous locks, the Priest who linked</span> +<span class="in1em"> In Hymen's golden bands the torn unthrift,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Whose means exiguous stared from many a rift,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Who milked the cow with implicated horn,</span> +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 90]</span> +<span class="in1em"> Who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied,</span> +<span class="in1em"> That dared to vex the insidious muricide,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Who let the auroral effluence through the pelt</span> +<span class="in1em"> Of the sly Rat that robbed the palace Jack had built.</span> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="in1em"> The loud cantankerous Shanghai comes at last,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Whose shouts arouse the shorn ecclesiast,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Who sealed the vows of Hymen's sacrament,</span> +<span class="in1em"> To him who robed in garments indigent,</span> +<span class="in1em"> Exosculates the damsel lachrymose,</span> +<span class="in1em"> The emulgator of that horned brute morose,</span> +<span class="in1em"> That tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that kilt</span> +<span class="in1em"> The Rat that ate the malt, that lay in the house that Jack built.</span> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 91]</div> +<div class="chpthd center"> +<h2 id="chptVII">VII.</h2> + +<span class="bold fs150">By the Untutored.</span> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Care</span> should be taken in writing for the young, or they may get a wholly +different meaning from the language than that intended. The Bishop of +Hereford was examining a school-class one day, and, among other things, +asked what an average was. Several boys pleaded ignorance, but one at +last replied, "It is what a hen lays on." This answer puzzled the bishop +not a little; but the boy persisted in it, stating that he had read it +in his little book of facts. He was then told to bring the little book, +and, on doing so, he pointed triumphantly to a paragraph commencing, +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 92]</span> +"The domestic hen lays <i>on an average</i> fifty eggs each year."</p> + +<p>If English is "wrote" as she is often "spoke" by the ignorant and +careless, she would bear little resemblance to the original Queen's +English. A listener wrote out a short conversation heard the other day +between two pupils of a high-school, and here is the phonetic +result:</p> +<div class="lineheight-half"> +<p>"Warejergo lasnight?"</p> + +<p>"Hadder skate."</p> + +<p>"Jerfind th'ice hard'n'good?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, hard'nough."</p> + +<p>"Jer goerlone?"</p> + +<p>"No; Bill'n Joe wenterlong."</p> + +<p>"Howlate jerstay?"</p> + +<p>"Pastate."</p> + +<p>"Lemmeknow wenyergoagin, woncher? I wantergo'n'show yer +howterskate."</p> + +<div class="pagenum">[Pg. 93]</div> +<p>"H'm, ficoodn't skate better'n you I'd sell-out'n'quit."</p> + +<p>"Well, we'll tryeranc'n'seefyercan."</p> +</div> + +<p>Here, as they took different streets, their conversation ceased.</p> + +<p>A writer in the "School-boy Magazine" has gathered together the +following dictionary words as defined by certain small people:</p> + +<ul> +<li>Bed-time—Shut eye time.</li> +<li>Dust—Mud with the juice squeezed out.</li> +<li>Fan—A thing to brush warm off with.</li> +<li>Fins—A fish's wings.</li> +<li>Ice—Water that staid out in the cold and went to sleep.</li> +<li>Monkey—A very small boy with a tail.</li> +<li>Nest-Egg—The egg that the old hen measures by, to make new ones.</li> +<li>Pig—A hog's little boy.</li> +<li>Salt—What makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on.</li> +<li class="pagenum">[Pg. 94]</li> +<li>Snoring—Letting off sleep.</li> +<li>Stars—The moon's eggs.</li> +<li>Wakefulness—Eyes all the time coming unbuttoned.</li> +</ul> + +<p>The following specimens from scholars' examinations in making sentences +to illustrate the definitions of words, found in their small +dictionaries, will have a familiar sound to some of our readers:</p> + +<ul> +<li>Frantic = Wild: I picked a bouquet of frantic flowers.</li> +<li>Retorted = Returned: We retorted home at six o'clock.</li> +<li>Summoned = Called: I summoned to see Mary last week.</li> +<li>Athletic = Strong: The vinegar was too athletic to be used.</li> +<li>Poignant = Sharp: My knife is very poignant.</li> +<li>Ordinances = Rules: We learned the ordinances for finding the greatest common divisor.</li> +<li><span class="pagenum">[Pg. 95]</span></li> +<li>Turbid = Muddy: The road was so turbid that we stuck fast in the mud.</li> +<li>Tandem = One behind another: The scholars sit tandem in school.</li> +<li>Akimbo = With a crook: I saw a dog with an akimbo in his tail.</li> +<li>Atonement = Satisfaction: There is no atonement in boat-riding in a cold day.</li> +<li>Composure = Calmness: The composure of the day was remarkable.</li> +</ul> + +<p>We have the authority of the late Dr. Hart as to the genuineness of the +following extracts, taken from the papers of a class seeking admission +into a high-school, to which had been given a list of words for their +meanings and applications:</p> +<ul> +<li>Fabulous—Full of threads: Silk is fabulous.</li> +<li>Accession—The act of eating a great deal: John got very sick after dinner by accession. +<span class="pagenum">[Pg. 96]</span></li> +<li>Atonement—A small insect: Queen Mab was pulled by atonements.</li> +<li>Develop—To swallow up: God sent a whale to develop Jonah.</li> +<li>Circumference—Distance through the middle: Distance around the middle of the outside.</li> +<li>Mobility—Belonging to the people: The mobility of St. Louis has greatly increased.</li> +<li>Adequate—A land animal: An elephant is an adequate.</li> +<li>Gregarious—Pertaining to idols: The Sandwich-Islanders are gregarious.</li> +<li>Fluctuation—Coming in great numbers: There was a great fluctuation of immigrants.</li> +<li>Alternate—Not ternate.</li> +<li>Intrinsic—Not trinsic: weak, feeble: He was a very intrinsic old man.</li> +<li>Subservient—One opposed to the upholding of servants.</li> +</ul> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> +<p class="fs200">Don't:</p> +<blockquote><p class="fs150"> +<i>A Manual of Mistakes and Improprieties +more or less prevalent +in Conduct and Speech.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p class="center">"I'll view the manners of the town."—<i>Comedy of + Errors.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><i>By CENSOR.</i></p> + +<p class="center">Square 16mo. Parchment paper. Price, 30 cents.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="fs200">English as She is Spoke;</p> + +<p class="fs150"><i>Or, A Jest in Sober Earnest.</i></p> + +<p class="center">Compiled from the celebrated "<i class="smcap">New Guide of Conversation + in Portuguese and English</i>."</p> +<hr class="quarter" /> + +<p class="center">"Excruciatingly funny."—<i>London World.</i></p> + +<p>"Every one who loves a laugh should either buy, beg, borrow, +or—we had almost said steal—the book."—<i>London + Fun.</i></p> + +<hr class="quarter" /> + +<p>Square 16mo. Parchment-paper cover. Price, 30 cents.</p> +<div class="chpthd"></div> + +<p class="center fs200"><i>Write and Speak Correctly.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="fs200">The Orthoëpist:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>A Pronouncing Manual, containing about Three Thousand + Five Hundred Words, including a considerable Number of + the Names of Foreign Authors, Artists, etc., that are + often mispronounced. By <span class="smcap">Alfred Ayres</span>. Fourteenth + edition. 18mo, cloth, extra. Price, $1.00.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>"It gives us pleasure to say that we think the author in + the treatment of this very difficult and intricate + subject, English pronunciation, gives proof of not only + an unusual degree of orthoëpical knowledge, but also, + for the most part, of rare judgment and + taste."—<span class="smcap">Joseph Thomas</span>, LL. D., in <i>Literary + World</i>.</p> + +<hr class="quarter" /> + +<p class="fs200">The Verbalist:</p> +<blockquote> +<p>A Manual devoted to Brief Discussions of the Right and + the Wrong Use of Words, and to some other Matters of + Interest to those who would Speak and Write with + Propriety, including a Treatise on Punctuation. By + <span class="smcap">Alfred Ayres</span>, author of "The Orthoëpist." Ninth + edition. 18mo, cloth, extra. Price, $1.00.</p> +</blockquote> + <p>"We remain shackled by timidity till we have learned to + speak with propriety."—<span class="smcap">Johnson</span>.</p> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> + +<p class="fs200">Errors in the Use of English.</p> + +<hr class="quarter" /> + +<p class="center">By the late <span class="smcap">William B. + Hodgson</span>, LL. D.,</p> + +<p>Professor of Political Economy in the University of + Edinburgh. American revised edition. 12mo, cloth. Price, + $1.50.</p> + + <p>"The most comprehensive and useful of the many books + designed to promote correctness in English composition + by furnishing examples of inaccuracy, is the volume + compiled by the late William B. Hodgson, under the title + of 'Errors in the Use of English.' The American edition + of this treatise, now published by the Appletons, has + been revised, and in many respects materially improved, + by Francis A. Teall, who seldom differs from the author + without advancing satisfactory reasons for his opinion. + The capital merits of this work are that it is founded + on actual blunders, verified by chapter and verse + reference, and that the breaches of good use to which + exception is taken have been committed, not by slipshod, + uneducated writers, of whom nothing better could be + expected, but by persons distinguished for more than + ordinary carefulness in respect to style."—<i>New York + Sun.</i></p> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> + +<p>"<i>'Bachelor Bluff' is bright, witty, keen, deep, sober, +philosophical, amusing, instructive, philanthropic—in short, what +is not 'Bachelor Bluff'?</i>"</p> + +<hr /> +<p class="fs150">NEW CHEAP SUMMER EDITION, IN PARCHMENT PAPER.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="fs200">Bachelor Bluff:</p> + +<p class="fs150"><i>His Opinions, Sentiments, and<br /> + Disputations.</i> By <span class="smcap">Oliver B. Bunce</span>.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Bunce is a writer of uncommon freshness and + power.... Those who have read his brief but carefully + written studies will value at their true worth the + genuine critical insight and fine literary qualities + which characterize his work."—<i>Christian Union.</i></p> + + <p>"We do not recall any volume of popular essays published + of late years which contains so much good writing, and + so many fine and original comments on topics of current + interest. Mr. Oracle Bluff is a self-opinionated, + genial, whole-souled fellow.... His talk is terse, + epigrammatic, full of quotable proverbs and isolated + bits of wisdom."—<i>Boston Traveller.</i></p> + + <p>"It is a book which, while professedly aiming to amuse, + and affording a very rare and delightful fund of + amusement, insinuates into the crevices of the + reflective mind thoughts and sentiments that are sure to + fructify and perpetuate themselves."—<i>Eclectic + Magazine.</i></p> + + <p>New cheap edition. 16mo, parchment paper. Price, 50 cents.</p> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> + +<p class="fs200">Hygiene for Girls.</p> + +<p>By Irenĉus P. Davis, M. D.</p> + +<p>18mo, cloth. Price, $1.25.</p> + +<p>"Many a woman whose childhood was bright with promise + endures an after-life of misery because, through a false + delicacy, she remained ignorant of her physical nature + and requirements, although on all other subjects she may + be well-informed; and so at length she goes to her grave + mourning the hard fate that has made existence a burden, + and perhaps wondering to what end she was born, when a + little knowledge at the proper time would have shown her + how to easily avoid those evils that have made her life + a wretched failure."—<i>From Introduction.</i></p> + + <p>"A very useful book, for parents who have daughters is + 'Hygiene for Girls,' by Irenĉus P. Davis, M.D., + published by D. Appleton & Co. And it is just the book + for an intelligent, well-instructed girl to read with + care. It is not a text-book, nor does it bristle with + technical terms. But it tells in simple language just + what girls should do and not to do to preserve the + health and strength, to realize the joys, and prepare + for the duties of a woman's lot. It is written with a + delicacy, too, which a mother could hardly surpass in + talking with her daughter."—<i>Christian at Work.</i></p> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> + +<p class="center">PRICE, $1,25 A VOL.] [IN TWELVE VOLS.</p> + +<p class="center">THE<br /> +<i class="fs200">Parchment Shakspere.</i></p> + +<p class="center">NEW EDITION OF SHAKSPERE'S WORKS,<br /> +Bound in parchment, uncut, gilt top.</p> +<hr class="quarter" /> + +<p class="center">New York:<br /> +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY,<br /> +1, 3, AND 5 BOND STREET.</p> +<hr /> + +<p>This edition is being printed with new type, cast + expressly for the work, on laid linen paper, and in a + form and style which give it peculiar elegance. The text + is mainly that of DELIUS, the chief difference + consisting in a more sparing use of punctuation than + that employed by the well-known German editor. Wherever + a variant reading is adopted, some good and recognized + SHAKSPEREAN critic has been followed. In no case is a + new rendering of the text proposed; nor has it been + thought necessary to distract the reader's attention by + notes or comments.</p> + + + <p>"<i>There is, perhaps no edition in which the works of + Shakspere can be read in such luxury of type, and quiet + distinction of form, as this.</i>"—<span class="smcap">Pall + Mall Gazette</span>.</p> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> + +<p class="fs200 center">The English Grammar <i>of William Cobbett</i>.</p> + +<p>Carefully revised and annotated by</p> + +<p class="smcap">Alfred Ayres,</p> + +<p><i>Author of "The Orthoëpist," "The Verbalist," etc.</i></p> + +<p>"The only amusing grammar in the world."—<span class="smcap">Henry Lytton + Bulwer.</span></p> + +<p>"Interesting as a story-book."—<span + class="smcap">Hazlitt</span>.</p> + +<p>"I know it well, and have read it with great +admiration."—<span class="smcap">Richard Grant White</span>.</p> + +<p>"Cobbett's Grammar is probably the most readable grammar +ever written. For the purposes of self-education it is +unrivaled."—<i>From the Preface.</i></p> + +<p>Mr. Ayres makes a feature of the fact that <span + class="smcap">Who</span> and <span class="smcap">Which</span> +<i>are properly the</i> <span class="smcap">co-ordinating</span> <i>relative pronouns</i>, +and that <span class="smcap">That</span> <i>is properly the</i> <span + class="smcap">restrictive</span> <i>relative +pronoun</i>.</p> + +<p>The Grammar has an Index covering no less than eight +pages.</p> + +<p>Uniform with "The Orthoëpist" and "The Verbalist." +18mo, cloth. Price, $1.00.</p> + +<div class="chpthd"></div> +<p class="center">New York: D. APPLETON & CO., 1, 3, & 5 Bond +Street.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of English as She is Wrote, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE *** + +***** This file should be named 25933-h.htm or 25933-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/9/3/25933/ + +Produced by David Yingling, Dave Morgan, V. L. Simpson and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from scanned +images of public domain material from the Google Print +project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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