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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of English as She is Wrote, by Anonymous
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: English as She is Wrote
+       Showing Curious Ways in which the English Language may be
+       made to Convey Ideas or obscure them.
+
+Author: Anonymous
+
+Release Date: June 30, 2008 [EBook #25933]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Yingling, Dave Morgan, V. L. Simpson and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from scanned
+images of public domain material from the Google Print
+project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+                    _English
+               As She is Wrote_,
+
+                    SHOWING
+
+       Curious ways in which the English
+         Language may be made to convey
+             Ideas or obscure them.
+
+  _A Companion to "English as She is Spoke."_
+
+
+
+                  _NEW YORK:_
+  _D. Appleton & Co., 1, 3, & 5 Bond Street._
+
+
+                  COPYRIGHT BY
+            D. APPLETON AND COMPANY,
+                     1883.
+
+
+
+
+                    _Contents._
+
+                                               Page
+
+  I.    How she is wrote by the Inaccurate        9
+  II.   By Advertisers and on Sign-boards        20
+  III.  For Epitaphs                             28
+  IV.   By Correspondents                        42
+  V.    By the Effusive                          56
+  VI.   How she can be oddly wrote               71
+  VII.  By the Untutored                         91
+
+
+
+
+                   _Prefatory._
+
+
+"Anybody," said an astute lawyer, addressing the jury to whom the
+opposing counsel had reflected upon inaccuracies in the spelling of his
+brief--"anybody can write English correctly, but surely a man may be
+allowed to spell a word in two or three different ways if he likes!"
+This was a claim for independence of action which so commended itself to
+the jury that it won a verdict for his client. The same plea may be
+considered in regard to the truly wonderful way in which the
+mother-tongue is often written, by the educated sometimes as well as by
+the uneducated.
+
+A man, it may be urged, has a right to spell as he chooses, and to
+express his ideas, when he has any, as best he can; while, when he
+suffers from a dearth of those rare articles, he has still more reason
+to rejoice in liberty of choice in respect to the language he selects to
+cover his poverty of thought. Hence there are doubtless good and
+sufficient reasons for every specimen of "English as she is wrote,"
+which it is the object of this little book to rescue from oblivion, and
+which have, one and all, been written with the sober conviction, upon
+the part of the writers, that they accurately conveyed the meaning they
+desired. Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded,
+and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity of
+expression and in the fact that it offers fair samples of the
+possibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction of
+our language. Let it be remembered, then, that _anybody_ can
+write English as she "should be wrote," and hence that a certain meed of
+admiration is due to those who, exercising their right of independent
+action, succeed in making it at once original and racy, and in
+conveying, without the least effort, meanings totally opposed to their
+intention, affording thereby admirable examples of English as "she is
+wrote" by thousands.
+
+
+
+
+I.
+
+By the Inaccurate.
+
+
+In the account of an inaugural ceremony it was asserted that "the
+procession was very fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also the
+report of Dr. Perry, the chaplain."
+
+A Western paper says: "A child was run over by a wagon three years old,
+and cross-eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward."
+
+Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:
+
+  "A fellow was arrested with short hair."
+
+  "I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose."
+
+  "A house was built by a mason of brown stone."
+
+  "Wanted--A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty feet wide."
+
+  "A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and
+      dark-complexioned."
+
+  "I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye."
+
+A sea-captain once asserted that his "vessel was beautifully painted
+with a tall mast."
+
+In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by a
+sailor in a shell."
+
+A bill presented to a farmer ran thus: "To hanging two barn doors and
+myself, 4_s._ 6_d._"
+
+A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiest
+terms are given by any other house in the city."
+
+Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy: "A wealthy gentleman will
+adopt a little boy with a small family."
+
+A parochial report states that "the town farm-house and almshouse have
+been carried on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, especially
+the almshouse, at which there have been an unusual amount of sickness
+and three deaths."
+
+A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage notice: "The couple left for the
+East on the night train where they will reside."
+
+In the account of a shipwreck we find the following: "The captain swam
+ashore. So did the chambermaid; she was insured for a large sum and
+loaded with pig-iron."
+
+A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts that "any person driving
+over this bridge in a faster pace than a walk shall, if a white person
+be fined five dollars, and if a negro receive twenty-five lashes, half
+the penalty to be bestowed on the informer."
+
+The following notice appeared on the west end of a country
+meeting-house: "Anybody sticking bills against this church will be
+prosecuted according to law or any other nuisance."
+
+A gushing but ungrammatical editor says: "We have received a basket of
+fine grapes from our friend ----, for which he will please accept our
+compliments, some of which are nearly one inch in diameter."
+
+On the panel under the letter-receiver of the General Post-Office,
+Dublin, these words are printed: "Post here letters too late for the
+next mail."
+
+An Ohio farmer is said to have the following warning posted
+conspicuously on his premises: "If any man's or woman's cows or oxen
+gits in this here oats his or her tail will be cut off, as the case may
+be."
+
+A lady desired to communicate by electricity to her husband in the city
+the size of an illuminated text which she had promised for the
+Sunday-school room. When the order reached him it read, "Unto us a child
+is born, nine feet long by two feet wide."
+
+A farmer who wished to enter some of his live-stock at an agricultural
+exhibition, in the innocence of his heart, but with more truth in his
+words than he dreamed of, wrote to the committee, saying, "Enter me for
+one jackass."
+
+An Irishman complained to his physician that "he stuffed him so much
+with drugs that he was ill a long time after he got well."
+
+A correspondent of a New York paper described Mr. C.'s journey to
+Washington to attend "the dying bedside of his mother."
+
+A dealer in engravings announced: "'Scotland Forever.' A Cavalry Charge
+after Elizabeth Thompson Butler, just published."
+
+A Western paper says that "a fine new school-house has just been
+finished in that town capable of accommodating three hundred students
+four stories high."
+
+A coroner's verdict read thus: "The deceased came to his death by
+excessive drinking, producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury."
+
+An old edition of Morse's geography declares that "Albany has four
+hundred dwelling-houses and twenty-four hundred inhabitants, all
+standing with their gable-ends to the street."
+
+A member of a school committee writes, "We have two school-rooms
+sufficiently large to accommodate three hundred pupils, one above the
+other."
+
+A Harrisburg paper, answering a correspondent on a question of
+etiquette, says: "When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street,
+the lady should walk inside of the gentleman."
+
+A clergyman writes, "A young woman died in my neighborhood yesterday,
+while I was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of intoxication."
+
+A certain friendly society, which was also a sort of mutual insurance
+organization, had this among its printed notices to the members: "In the
+event of your death, you are requested to bring your book, policy, and
+certificate at once to Mr. ----, when your claims will have immediate
+attention."
+
+A New York paper, describing a funeral in Jersey City, says: "At the
+ferry four friends of the deceased took possession of the carriage and
+followed the remains to Evergreen Cemetery, where they were quietly
+interred in a new lot without service or ceremony." The devotion of the
+friends of the deceased was certainly remarkable, but one can not help
+wondering what became of the remains.
+
+A newspaper gives an account of a man who "was driving an old ox when he
+became angry and kicked him, hitting his jawbone with such force as to
+break his leg." "We have been fairly wild ever since we read the paper,"
+writes a contemporary, "to know who or which got angry at whom or what,
+and if the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force as to break the ox's
+leg, or how it is. Or did the man kick the ox in the jawbone with such
+force as to break the ox's leg, and, if so, which leg? It's one of those
+things which no man can find out, save only the man who kicked or was
+being kicked, as the case may be."
+
+One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish nobleman was rather
+equivocal. He wrote, "I hope, my lord, if you ever come within a mile of
+my house you will stay there all night."
+
+A German tourist expresses himself in regard to his Scottish experiences
+as follows: "A person angry says to-day that he was from the theatre
+gallary spit upon. Very fine. I also was spit upon. Not on the dress but
+into the eye strait it came with strong force while I look up angry to
+the gallary. Befor I come to your country I worship the Scotland of my
+books, my 'Waverly Novel,' you know, but now I dwell here since six
+months, in all parts, the picture change. I now know of the bad smell,
+the oath and curse of God's name, the wisky drink and the rudeness. You
+have much money here, but you want what money can not buye--heart
+cultivating that makes respect for gentle things. O! to be spit in the
+eye in one half million of peopled town. Let me no longer be in this
+cold country, where people push in the street, blow the noze with naked
+finger, empty the dish at the house door, chooze the clergy from the
+lower classes and then go with them to death for an ecclesiastical
+theory which none of them can understand. I go home three days time."
+There is more in this than grotesque English, however. It abounds with
+good sense and penetration.
+
+The following is a pattern piece of modern style, sanctioned by an
+English Board of Trade, and drawn up by an eminent authority: "Tickets
+are nipped at the Barriers, and passengers admitted to the platforms
+will have to be delivered up to the Company in event of the holders
+subsequently retiring from the platforms without travelling, and cannot
+be recognized for readmission."
+
+A college professor, describing the effect of the wind in some Western
+forests, wrote, "In traveling along the road, I even sometimes found the
+logs bound and twisted together to such an extent that a mule couldn't
+climb over them, so I went round."
+
+A mayor in a university town issued the following proclamation: "Whereas
+a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of outrageous
+Accidents by Fire, we whose names are undesigned have thought proper
+that the Benefit of an Engine bought by us for the better extinguishing
+of which by the Accidents of Almighty God may unto us happen to make a
+Rate togather Benevolence for the better propagating such useful
+Instruments."
+
+
+
+
+II.
+
+By Advertisers and on Sign-boards.
+
+
+Two young women want washing.
+
+Teeth extracted with great pains.
+
+Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country photographer.
+
+Wood and coal split.
+
+Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good moral
+character.
+
+For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving
+Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs.
+
+A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of the
+market.
+
+To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calculated for a charger, or would
+carry a lady with a switch tail.
+
+Wanted, a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn of
+mind.
+
+A lady advertises her desire for a husband "with a Roman nose having
+strong religious tendencies."
+
+Wanted, a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion.
+
+A chemist inquires, "Will the gentleman who left his stomach for
+analysis please call and get it, together with the result?"
+
+Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages, $5.00 a week.
+
+In the far West a man advertises for a woman "to wash, iron and milk one
+or two cows."
+
+Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road
+about 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening.
+
+An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on
+very low terms, "six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a
+gentleman forty years of age, full of body, and with a high bouquet."
+
+A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an excursion, closes thus:
+"Tickets, 25 cents; children half price, to be had at the captain's
+office."
+
+Among carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of "a mail phaeton,
+the property of a gentleman with a moveable head as good as new."
+
+An inducement to return property is offered as follows: "If the
+gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the
+umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the
+slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage,
+as the same is a gift of a deceased mother now no more with the name
+engraved upon it."
+
+An English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows: "A young man
+about 25 years of Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will make him
+worth L1000, would willingly embrace a suitable MATCH. He has been
+brought up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober man."
+
+A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has
+"a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve feet
+square"; another has "a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for a
+respectable family in good repair"; still another has "a hall bedroom
+for a single woman 8 x 12."
+
+A photographer's sign reads: "This style 3 pictures finished in fifteen
+minutes while you wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored."
+
+A cheap restaurant displays this sign: "Oyster pies open all night," and
+"Coffee and cakes off the griddle."
+
+A baker displays the sign, "Family Baking Done Here." The sign would
+look more appropriate if it were in front of some of our "cool and
+well-ventilated" summer-resort hotels.
+
+The sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, is accompanied by
+this quaint verse:
+
+  "I'm Abraham Lowe, and half way up the hill,
+  If I were higher up wat's funnier still,
+  I should be Lowe. Come in and take your fill
+  Of porter, ale, wine, spirits what you will.
+  Step in, my friend, I pray no further go,
+  My prices, like myself, are always low."
+
+On a vacant lot back of Covington, Kentucky, is posted this sign: "No
+plane base Boll on these Primaces."
+
+Notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat: "The seats in this cabin are reserved
+for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies
+are seated."
+
+A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as follows: "John Smith, teacher of
+cowtillions and other dances--grammar taut in the neatest manner--fresh
+salt herrin on draft--likewise Goodfreys cordjial--rutes sassage and
+other garden truck--N. B. bawl on friday nite--prayer meetin
+chuesday--also salme singing by the quire."
+
+The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn:
+"All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of
+the law or any other garbage."
+
+A barber's sign in Buffalo, N.Y., has the following: "This is the place
+for physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and shampooing."
+
+A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspirations, proclaims his
+superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his
+establishment:
+
+  "No day was e'er so bright,
+  So black was never a night,
+  As will your boots be, if you get
+  Them blacked right in here, you bet!"
+
+The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce Dyas
+Coblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggs
+laid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady can
+have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because I
+can't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."
+
+An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type:
+
+  "Within this hive we're all alive,
+    With whiskey sweet as honey;
+  If you are dry, step in and try,
+    But don't forget your money."
+
+An inn near London displays a board with the following inscription:
+
+  "_Call_--Softly,
+  _Drink_ Moderately,
+  Pay _Honourably_;
+  Be good Company,
+  Part FRIENDLY,
+  Go HOME quietly.
+  Let those lines be no MAN'S sorrow,
+  Pay to DAY and i'll TRUST tomorrow."
+
+
+
+
+III.
+
+For Epitaphs.
+
+
+A terse account of an untimely end is given upon a stone in a Mexican
+church-yard:
+
+  "He was young, he was fair
+  But the Injuns raised his hair."
+
+The following may be read upon the tombstone of Lottie Merrill, the
+young huntress of Wayne County, Pennsylvania: "Lottie Merrill lays hear
+she dident know wot it wuz to be afeered but she has hed her last tussel
+with the bars and theyve scooped her she was a good girl and she is now
+in heaven. It took six big bars to get away with her. She was only 18
+years old."
+
+Upon the tomb of a boy who died of eating too much fruit, this quaint
+epitaph conveys a moral:
+
+  "_Currants_ have check'd the _current_ of my blood,
+  And _berries_ brought me to be _buried_ here;
+  _Pears_ have _par'd_ off my body's hardihood,
+  And _plums_ and _plumbers_ _spare_ not one so _spare_.
+  _Fain_ would I _feign_ my fall; so _fair_ a _fare_
+  _Lessens_ not hate, yet 'tis a _lesson_ good.
+  _Gilt_ will not long hide _guilt_, such thin washed _ware_
+  _Wears_ quickly, and its _rude_ touch soon is _rued_.
+  _Grave_ on my _grave_ some sentence _grave_ and terse,
+  That _lies_ not as it _lies_ upon my clay,
+  But in a gentle _strain_ of _unstrained_ verse,
+  _Prays_ all to pity a poor patty's _prey_,
+  _Rehearses_ I was fruitful to my _hearse_,
+  _Tells_ that my days are _told_, and soon I'm _toll'd_ away."
+
+In Glasgow Cathedral is an epitaph, which is engraved on the lid of a
+very old sarcophagus, discovered in the crypt:
+
+  "Our Life's a flying Shadow, God's the Pole,
+  The Index pointing at him is our Soul,
+  Death's the Horizon, when our Sun is set,
+  Which will through Chryst a Resurrection get."
+
+In a grave-yard at Montrose, in Scotland, this inscription may still be
+seen:
+
+     "Here lies the Body of
+          George Young
+  And of all his posterity for
+     fifty years backwards."
+
+This brief announcement may be read in Wrexham church-yard, Wales:
+
+  "Here lies five babies and children dear
+  Three at Owestry and two here."
+
+In a church-yard near London the following may be deciphered:
+
+  "Killed by an omnibus why not?
+    So quick a death a boon is
+  Let not his friends lament his lot
+    For mors omnibus communis."
+
+There is an unqualified Hibernianism in the following:
+
+  "Here lies the remains of
+  Thomas Melstrom who died
+  in Philadelphia March 17th
+  Had he lived he would have
+      been buried here."
+
+A good deal of positive information is conveyed in this epitaph:
+
+  "Here lies, cut down like unripe fruit
+  The wife of Deacon Amos Shute;
+  She died of drinking too much coffee,
+  Anny dominy eighteen forty."
+
+To the victim of an accident:
+
+"Here lies the body of James Hambrick which was accidentally shot in the
+Pacas River by a young man with one of Colts large revolvers with no
+stopper for the hand for to rest on. It was one of the old fashioned
+sort, brass mounted and of such is the Kingdom of Heaven."
+
+William Curtis, who was famous for his bad grammar, may have composed
+his own epitaph:
+
+  "Here lies William Curtis
+    Our late Lord Mayor
+  Who has left this world,
+    And gone to that there."
+
+In a church-yard in London, evidently written by a Cockney:
+
+  "Here lies John Ross.
+  Kicked by a Hoss."
+
+In Trinity church-yard, New York, this inscription may be read:
+
+  "Val. ----
+          Sidney Breese.
+           June 9 17--.
+         Made by himself.
+        Ha! Sidney, Sidney
+         Liest thou here?
+            I lye here
+    Till Times last Extremity."
+
+Upon a stone, under the Grocers' Arms, is this inscription, in memory of
+Garrard, a tea-dealer:
+
+  "Garret some called him
+    But that was too lye
+  His name is Garrard
+    Who now here doth lye
+  Weepe not for him
+    Since he is gone before
+  To heaven where Grocers
+    There are many more."
+
+The value of phonetic spelling is set forth in this terse memorial:
+
+  "Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded
+  One died of his wounds, the other was drounded."
+
+Resignation and an eye to the main chance are combined in the following:
+
+  "Beneath this stone, in hope of Zion
+  Doth lie the landlord of the Lion,
+  His son keeps in the business still
+  Resigned unto the heavenly Will."
+
+In a church-yard in Wiltshire, England:
+
+  "Beneath this stone lies our dear child
+  Whos' gone away from we
+  For evermore into eternity;
+  When we do hope that we shall go to he
+  But him can never come back to we."
+
+On Mrs. Sarah Newman:
+
+  "Pain was my portion
+    Physic was my food
+  Groans was my devotion
+    Drugs done me no good.
+  Christ was my physician
+    Knew what way was best
+  To ease me of my pain
+    He took my soul to rest."
+
+An inscription to four wives:
+
+"To the memory of my four wives, who all died within the space of ten
+years, but more perteckler to the last Mrs. Sally Horne who has left me
+and four dear children, she was a good, _sober_ and _clean_ soul and may
+i soon go to her.
+
+  "Dear wives if you and i shall all go to heaven,
+  The Lord be blest for then we shall be even.
+
+    "William Joy Horne, Carpenter."
+
+On a dyer:
+
+"He died to live and lived to dye."
+
+On Mrs. Lee and her son:
+
+  "In her life she did her best
+  Now I hope her soul's at rest.
+  Also her son Tom lies at her feet
+  He lived till he made both ends meet."
+
+At Edinburgh:
+
+  "John Mc pherson
+  Was a wonderful person
+  He stood 6 ft 2 without his shoe
+  And he was slew.
+  At Waterloo."
+
+One John Round was lost at sea, and in the grave-yard of his native
+place a stone was erected with the following couplet inscribed thereon:
+
+  "Under this bed lies John Round
+  Who was lost at sea and never found."
+
+In an old church-yard in Ireland:
+
+"Here lies John Highley whose father and mother were drownded on their
+passage to America. Had they lived they would have been buried here."
+
+In a church-yard in Ohio:
+
+  "Under this sod
+    And under these trees
+  Lieth the Bod
+    Y of Solomon Pease.
+  He's not in this hole
+    But only his pod.
+  He shelled out his soul
+    And went up to his God."
+
+From a tombstone in Cornwall, England:
+
+  "Father and mother and I
+  Lie buried here asunder;
+  Father and mother lie buried here,
+  And I lie buried yonder."
+
+On Eliza Newman:
+
+  "Like a tender Rose Tree was my Spouse to me;
+  Her offspring Pluckt too long deprived of life was she.
+  _Three went before._ Her Life went with the Six
+  I stay with 3 Our sorrows for to mix
+  Till Christ our only hope, Our Joys doth fix."
+
+On a drummer, in an English church-yard:
+
+  "Tom Clark was a drummer, who went to the war,
+  And was killed by a bullet, and his soul sent for;
+  There were no friends to mourn him, for his virtues were rare,
+  He died like a man, and like a Christian bear."
+
+On a stone near Appomattox Court-house, Virginia:
+
+"Robert C Wright was born June 26th 1772 Died July 2. 1815 by the blood
+thrusty hand of John Sweeny Sr Who was massacred with the Nife then a
+London Gun discharge a ball penetrate the Heart that give the immortal
+wound."
+
+At Middletown, Connecticut, is the following:
+
+  "This lovely, pleasant child--
+    He was our only one,
+  Altho' we've buried three before--
+    Two daughters and a son."
+
+The controlling power of rhyme is well illustrated in the subjoined,
+from a tombstone in Manchester:
+
+  "Here lies alas! more's the pity,
+  All that remains of Nicholas Newcity.
+
+      "N. B.--His name was Newtown."
+
+Another instance of how rhyming difficulties may be overcome is as
+follows:
+
+  "Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen,
+  The most amiable of husbands and excellent of men.
+
+    "N. B.--His real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't
+    come in rhyme. _His Widow._"
+
+The subjoined contains a solemn warning:
+
+  "My wife has left me, she's gone up on high,
+  She was thoughtful while dying, and said 'Tom, don't cry.'
+  She was a great beauty, so every one knows,
+  With Hebe like features and a fine Roman nose;
+  She played the piany, and was learning a ballad,
+  When she sickened and die-did from eating veal salad."
+
+Upon a tombstone in Pennsylvania:
+
+       "Battle of Shiloh.
+          April 6 1862
+
+    John D L was born March 26 1839 in the town of West
+    Dresden State of New York where the wicked cease from
+    troubling and the weary are at rest."
+
+A tombstone in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, has these lines:
+
+  "When you my friends are passing by,
+  And this inform you where I lie,
+  Remember you ere long must have,
+  Like me, a mansion in the grave,
+  Also 3 infants, 2 sons and a daughter."
+
+
+
+
+IV.
+
+By Correspondents.
+
+
+From a butcher at Berhampoor, India, to a customer:
+
+"To his Highness--Kid Esquire
+
+"The humble butcher, Nows Rouny, Restpectfully sheweth that for your
+honor has sent a good beef, 1 rump and pleased to take it and pay day
+labor of bearer coolly. As your obedient butcher shall ever pray."
+
+From a scholar in India to his master:
+
+"My dear Sir: I humbly beg to inform you pleas to give me leaf for one
+week because I cannot walk with my feet, I am very uncomfortable. Give
+my compliments to My Master. I pray to God for Everlasting life. I am
+your humble Servant Shebart Lall."
+
+From an Indian school-boy:
+
+"Benevolent Sir: The wolf of sickness has laid hold on the flock of my
+health."
+
+From an Indian clerk:
+
+"Sir. Being afflicted to the stomach and vomiteng I am sorry I cannot
+attend to office today."
+
+From a Canadian lady to eligible gentleman:
+
+"Dear Mr. B. I, Mrs. Wigston wish you would call on my daughter Amelia.
+She is very amusing and is a regular young flirt. She can sing like a
+hunny bee and her papa can play on the fiddle nicely and we might have a
+rare ho-down. Amelia is highely educated, she can dance like a
+grasshopper looking for grub and she can meke beautiful bread, it tastes
+just like hunny bees' bread and for pumpkin pies she can't be beat. In
+fact she's ahead of all F girls and will make a good wife for any man.
+
+  "Yours truly
+      "Mrs. Wigston.
+
+  "Bring your brother."
+
+From a school-boy to the elder Booth:
+
+    "West House School. Prospect N.Y.
+  "Dear Sur and Frend.
+
+"Heering that you was going to come to Uttica to perform in a play
+called Hamlit I would like to say that us boys is gitting up a Exibition
+for the benefit of diseased soldiers and their widows and orfans and
+would like to engage you to do the leading part. I have talked it up
+with the boys and we will do the squire thing by you and I am arterised
+to make you the following offer. We will come doun after you with a good
+conveyance and will give you at the rate of 10 dollars a day and board
+and shall want you one week. If you think it necessary you can have one
+or two of our best women actors to come up with you but we can't pay
+them over three dollars a day and feed. You can have some fun at a
+hunting deer and foxes around Flamburgs and Ed Wilkisun's. Pleas let me
+know as soon as you can.
+
+  "Yours truly James Sweet.
+
+"If you come callating to hunt get Frank Meyer's hound she is a good
+one."
+
+We subjoin several letters received by a New York publishing house:
+
+  "---- La, Nov 18, 188-.
+
+"Dear Sir. I have seated my self down to pen you a few lines in reguards
+off your high degrode Tex Books Sir I wish you would forward to me in
+the next Mail a Cataloudge off all of your Edgucational old and latest
+publish books in Market I stand in need off a good set of books and when
+I receive your Cataloudge I will send on immeadily and get a Selecticed
+outfit of your books. By so doing you will oblidge yours & Etc."
+
+"dear Sr I saw A smawl list of yours embraces standard works in every
+department of study and for every grade of classes from the _primary_
+school to the _university_ I desire to have correspondence with you and
+as I taught school for threw 3 seson in the ninth district of Fuentress
+County tennessee and i quit eimet with Cooper and our country need
+instruction and except we get the implement for instruction we may all
+ways espect ignorant. turn over. Mr I want you to send educational list
+of your standard works and also A copy Book that I may instruct my
+studentes more correctly and I profer to take Agents if hit is not
+contrary to law if your work can sold with out paing tax or lison
+
+"and A blige youres truley Joel E Atkinson school teacher 9 deistrict
+Fuentress co Logan Finch Chareles Atkinson J Hall e school directers in
+my distrectes."
+
+"Dear Sir I want you to send me a catalogue the Emblem book and tell me
+what it will cost I think I can Sell as Many as Fifteen be sure and give
+the Price that is what they want to know Dear Sir I Received your Copy
+Oct 9th 1881 if you charge Any thing for composeing them letters write
+to me and I will pay will Send it by Mail in one cent stamps you need
+not to think I want to swinle you out of one cent I will do Every thing
+I say I will do So if you will write and give the Price of the Emblem
+and the love writer and chart and key of the Spenserion cystem and they
+like I will get up a subscription and send the Money for them
+immediately Dear Sir tell me what is the Emblem of a red rose and white
+rose of a boca."
+
+"Dear Sir:
+
+"Wilt please send me a description of your outfit of Books and give me
+one or two iedies abought the catalogue price of your English, Latin
+Greek brench and stanish Italian Hebrew and Siyuriak books to my
+address. I has issued out orders bot comisition &c--my trustee tell me
+that only two D V z and in New York at the time it Feby. the 15 my No of
+books is twenty five and I desire one complet Example of your best books
+if you can Conven'y furnish my needs wright at once I will be more an
+obliged to you. Looking by every mail for your returns Soon, so please
+your truly servant.
+
+  "I am dear Sir:
+    "My name in Full
+      "* * * *."
+
+"Dear Sir:
+
+"Understanding that You possess some Influence among the Bord of
+Directors of your fine books and for useful learning for Schools I beg
+to Solicit your interest for Me I want to Purchase Some Usful Books and
+Messrs please send me one of your Cataloges you well obligde me Much in
+so doing, & Far my Friends I Will tell You I have a great many of
+Relitives who would wish to Purchase some book if could be bought from
+you below Price My Frend you must excuse my Hasty note for the Small
+time Was at Hand and all so my Frend you must excuse my Led Pensel.
+Wright my soon Frend I will close and will shew you that you will be
+remembered by Sirs Your Obedient & Fathful Servants ----."
+
+"Sir: I now write to you to ask you information on book lines Sir. i
+have seen some of your books and the suited me very much on Edjucational
+and Sir i did suspect to start To Teach School in the Same Ward And i
+Wanted to get a fenel Resortment of of Books and i Wanted To get My
+books from you and i Wanted Like to know how you Would Reply me them And
+i hope when you Riseived this Letter that you Would Write Wright away At
+once And give me the full Address how to send for These Books And i Want
+to Know Wethe I give you the Wright Address Sir your Friend ---- Would
+like To Read A Letter from under your Hand And i Want you To please To
+give me your Address of All kines of Books that yu have i Exspect to
+start School soon & i had much Applications By pupils that Lives A.
+Rounds in the Sections Where i Lives ses ef i gets the Books they Would
+Buy them from me i hope that you Would Wright As Soon as Posable And Let
+me know so that i Can Write Again And please To Send me some of your
+paper so that i Can Read them to the people so Them Can Believe that i
+did wrote here When you Write please To Direct your Letter to ---- so i
+hope you Will Write Soon And please fail not To Send me some of your
+Papers And Direct me how To Get Money to you When i Send for Books fail
+not To Direct your Letter to ---- Post-office. So i have no more to
+Write i Will Close & Remain
+
+  "Your Truly Friend."
+    "M---- Ala.
+
+"Oct 13th 1881. Dear Sir Dear Friend you will please Send me one line of
+capitals letters one line of the small letters and Show me the space how
+far up and how far down and write & tell me what the chart and frey with
+cost, the chart of the Standard System is the one I want. there is Eight
+men I have shewn your copy you sent to me they say they intend to have
+one chart a piece Dear Sir I have been talking with Several young Men
+about love writers I want you to compose three letters consisting of
+love and poetry write one as though you loved her and want to marry her.
+one as though she had Slighted you. the Next one as you think best
+Compose them and Send them to me and I will shew them to the Boys I am
+satisfied they will be sure to by."
+
+Letter to an editor:
+
+"Dear Sir--:
+
+"The hystoric apple that tossed about and struck Sir Isaac Newton landed
+finally, in revealing its inner nature its hidden meaning, not only as a
+consolation but also of universal utility in all scientific branges:
+
+"Or out of the simbols of the ancient World, up to the real discoveries
+of the present time proceeded the solution of the relation of the
+Eternal time, motion, and distance. Which set forte the discovery of the
+generational cosmological Parents of this planet, are discovered that
+these can be seen by all mankind.
+
+    "Resp."
+
+Letter received by a cotton-broker:
+
+    "Flat Town Dec. 30th
+
+"Messrs.
+  "J---- W---- & Co
+
+      "Sir. Gentlemen.
+
+"The shipments from this out the balance of the season will be for more
+on the count. last year was a short crop and two weeks erly than this
+season and people sold rite strate a long here last season and the
+biggest and best farmers this season are holding looking forward to
+Biger prices I have gathered 80 bales and 15 or 16 more in the field yet
+to pick so you see when I make my estimate in this county they are a
+power of cotton on the fields yet to pick and a grate eel in houses not
+gined up yet, gust act as if those deals were your own shood you close
+them out gust credit my account with the profitts but dont close them
+out until you think it has tuch bottom then I want you to by me the same
+amount but don't by till you think it the rite time and then shood you
+see a proffit in it Turn it loose without ever consulting me if it
+clears up cold we will have Kilan frost but it can't hurt here for the
+crop is made.
+
+  "I remain yours very truly."
+
+Another letter to a cotton-broker:
+
+"Messrs. W---- W---- & Co.
+
+"Sir Gents
+
+"I have gust got in form the West and find your letter stating that corn
+had touched bottom which I do think myself it has, but it has avanced so
+much now I don't noe that it wood pay me much either way now. had I bin
+at home I shood of closed out and of Bout the same amount was my Idee.
+we are from ten days to fully two weeks backwards with our crops owing
+to our wet weather but that donte say they won't be as much made as was
+last year while we are backward there are more fertilizers yoused than
+ware last year and more Acreage our country is in a better condision to
+make a crop and I expect the west ginerally that way at the same time I
+am only one neighbourhood. pleas let me hear from you more fully on the
+matter hoping to hear from you soon I remain
+
+  "yours verry truly
+
+    "I will act according to your council."
+
+A Georgia merchant received a short time since the following order from
+a customer:
+
+"Mr. B----, please send me $1 worth of coffy and $1 worth of shoogar,
+some small nales. My wife had a baby last nite, also two padlocks and a
+monkey rench."
+
+
+
+
+V.
+
+By the Effusive.
+
+
+Professor Huxley is credited with the assertion that the primrose is "a
+corollifloral dicotyledonous exogen, with a monopetalous corolla and a
+central placenta."
+
+A reporter with a large imagination, writing about the decoration of a
+church at a fashionable wedding in this city, said that "the church was
+ensconced in flowers."
+
+A scientific writer defines sneezing as "a phenomenon provoked either by
+an excitation brought to bear on the nasal membrane or by a sudden shock
+of the sun's rays on the membranes of the eye. This peripheral
+irritation is transmitted by the trifacial nerve to the Gasserian
+ganglion, whence it passes by a commissure to an agglomeration of
+globules in the medulla oblongata or in the protuberance; from this
+point, by a series of numerous reflex and complicated acts, it is
+transformed by the mediation of the spinal cord into a centrifugal
+excitation which radiates outward by means of the spinal nerves to the
+expiratory muscles."
+
+The school committee in Massachusetts recommend exercises in English
+composition in these terms:
+
+"Next to the pleasure that pervades the corridors of the soul when it is
+entranced by the whiling witchery that presides over it consequent upon
+the almost divine productions of Mozart, Haydn, and Handel, whether
+these are executed by magician concert parts in deep and highly matured
+melody from artistic modulated intonations of the finely cultured human
+voice, or played by some fairy-fingered musician upon the trembling
+strings of the harp or piano, comes the charming delight we experience
+from the mastery of English prose, and the spell-binding wizards of song
+who by their art of divination through their magic wand, the pen, have
+transformed scenes hitherto unknown and made them as immortal as those
+spots of the Orient and mountain haunts of the gods, whether of sunny
+Italy or of tuneful, heroic Greece."
+
+A farmer's daughter expresses herself in the following terms:
+
+"Dear Miss:
+
+"The energy of the race prompts me to assure you that my request is
+forbidden, the idea of which I awkwardly nourished, notwithstanding my
+propensity to reserve. Mr. T will be there--Let me with confidence
+assure you that him and brothers will be very happy to meet you and
+brothers. Us girls cannot go, for reasons. The attention of cows claims
+our assistance this evening.
+
+  "Unalterably yours."
+
+The following is probably the longest sentence ever written, containing,
+as it does, eight hundred words:
+
+"I propose, then, to give your readers some description of this old yet
+still strange and wild country, that has been settled for three hundred
+years, and is not yet inhabited--a land of shifting sand and deep mud--a
+land of noble rivers that rise in swamps and consist merely of chains of
+shallow lakes, some of them twenty miles long and two miles across, and
+only twelve feet deep--of wide, sandy plains, covered with
+solemn-sounding pines--of spots so barren that nothing can be made to
+grow upon them, and yet with a soil so fertile that if you tickle it
+with a hoe, it will laugh out an abundant harvest of sugar, cotton, and
+fruit--a land of oranges, lemons, pomegranates, pineapples, figs, and
+bananas; whose rivers teem with fish, its forests with game, and its
+very air with fowl; where everything will grow except apples and wheat;
+where everything can be found except ice; yet where the people, with a
+productive soil, a mild climate and beautiful nature, affording every
+table luxury, live on corn-grist, sweet potatoes, and molasses; where
+men possessing forty thousand head of cattle never saw a glass of milk
+in their lives, using the imported article when used at all, and then
+calling it consecrated milk; where the very effort to milk a cow would
+probably scare her to death, as well as frighten a whole neighborhood by
+the unheard of phenomenon; where cabbages grow on the tops of trees, and
+you may dig bread out of the ground; where, below the frost-line, the
+castor-oil plant becomes a large tree of several years' growth, and a
+pumpkin or bean-vine will take root from its trailing branches, and thus
+spread and live year after year; where cattle do not know what hay is,
+and refuse it when offered, so that the purchase of a yoke of oxen is
+not considered valid if the animals will not eat in a stable; and where
+in the mild winter, when the land grass is dried up, horses and cattle
+may be seen wading and swimming in the ponds and streams, plunging their
+heads under water grasses and moss; where many lakes have holes in the
+bottom and underground communication, so that they will sometimes shrink
+away to a mere cupful, leaving many square miles of surface uncovered,
+and then again fill up from below and spread out over their former area;
+where some of them have outlets in the ocean far from shore, bursting up
+a perpetual spring of fresh water in the very midst of the briny
+saltness of the sea; where in times of low water, during a long
+exhaustive dry season, men have gone under ground in one of these
+subterranean rivers, from lake to lake, a distance of eight miles; where
+the ground will sometimes sink and the cavity fill with water, until
+tall trees, that had stood and sunk upright, will have their topmost
+branches deeply covered; where rivers will disappear in the earth and
+rise again, thus forming natural bridges, some of them a mile in
+breadth; where, instead of spring, summer, autumn, and winter, there are
+two seasons only--eight months summer, and four months warm weather;
+where the winter is the dry season, and the summer almost a daily rain;
+where, in order to take a walk, you first wade through a light sand
+ankle deep and then get into a mud-puddle, and some of these mud-puddles
+cover a whole county; where no clay is found fit for brick-making, and
+people build houses without chimneys; where to make a living is so easy
+a task, that every one possesses the laziness of ten ordinary men, every
+one you wish to employ in labor says he is tired and would seem to have
+been born so; where ague would prevail if the people would take the
+trouble to shake; where a large orange-tree will bear several thousand
+oranges--leaves, buds, blossom, half-grown and full-grown fruit, all at
+once--and every twenty-five feet square of sand will sustain such a
+tree; where, in many parts, cold weather is an impossibility, and
+perpetual verdure reigns; where the Everglades are found, covering many
+large counties with water from one to six feet deep, with a bottom, mud
+covered, yet underneath solid and firm, from which grasses grow up to
+the surface--a sea of green, and with islands large and small scattered
+over the surface, covered with live oaks and dense vegetation; where
+alligators, or gators as they are called in Florida parlance, possess
+undoubted aboriginal rights of citizenship, and mosquitoes pay constant
+visits and are instructive and even penetrating in their attention to
+strangers."
+
+An Irish paper contained this account of Mrs. Siddons's appearance:
+
+"On Sunday, Mrs. Siddons, about whom all the world has been talking,
+exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the
+first time at Smock Alley Theatre in the bewitching, melting, and all
+tearful character of Isabella. From the repeated panegyrics of the
+impartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a
+heavenly angel, but how were we supernaturally surprised into almost
+awful joy at beholding a mortal goddess! The house was crowded with
+hundreds more than it could hold, with thousands of admiring spectators
+who went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic
+excellence! this star of Melpomene! this comet of the stage! this sun of
+the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and
+princess of tears! this Donellan of the poisoned dagger! this empress of
+pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakespeare! this world of weeping
+clouds! this Juno commanding aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtains
+and scenes! this Proserpine of fire and excitement! this Katterfelto of
+wonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond belief and soared above all
+the natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was the
+most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose,
+sweet brier, furze blossom, gilliflower, wall flower, cauliflower,
+auricula, and rosemary! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! When
+expectations were so high, it was thought she would be injured by her
+appearance, but it was the audience who were injured: several fainted
+before the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting with
+her wedding ring, ah! what a sight was there! the very fiddlers in the
+orchestra, albeit unused to melting mood, blubbered like hungry children
+crying for their bread and butter! and when the bell rang for music
+between the acts the tears ran from the bassoon players' eyes in such
+plentiful showers that they choked the finger stops, and making a spout
+of the instrument poured in such torrents on the first fiddler's book
+that not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band
+played it in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience
+and the noise of corks drawn from smelling bottles prevented the
+mistakes between sharps and flats being heard. One hundred and nine
+ladies fainted! forty-six went into fits! and ninety-five had strong
+hysterics. The world will scarcely credit the truth when they are told
+that fourteen children, five old men, one hundred tailors, and six
+common councilmen were actually drowned in the inundation of tears that
+flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to increase the
+briny pond in the pit. The water was three feet deep. An Act of
+Parliament will certainly be passed against her playing any more!"
+
+Few poems have been more generally admired or paraphrased in the various
+tongues of earth than that commencing with the lines--
+
+  "Mary had a little lamb,
+    Its fleece was white as snow,
+  And everywhere that Mary went
+    This lamb was sure to go."
+
+The story is current at the national capital that Mr. Evarts, when
+Secretary of State, on one occasion, in a jocular crowd of his friends,
+was desired to condense into prose these immortal verses. Urgently
+solicited, Mr. Evarts yielded, and wrote as follows:
+
+"Mary, a female, judged to be of the race of man, whose family name is
+unknown, whether of native or foreign birth, of lofty or lowly lineage,
+and whose appearance, manners, and mental cultivation are involved in
+the most profound mystery, which probably will never be fully
+ascertained unless through the most profound researches of an historian
+admirably trained in his profession, who shall devote the ablest efforts
+of his life to the investigation of the subject, uninfluenced by either
+passion or prejudice, and having only in view the sacred truth, at the
+same time being utterly regardless of the plaudits or censures of the
+world, we are informed by one who, it has been stated, at one time while
+living in that part of the United States of America known as
+Massachusetts, whose fishermen have frequently been involved in
+difficulties with the authorities of her Majesty Queen Victoria, Queen
+of Great Britain and Empress of the Indies, whose domains extended over
+a large share of the habitable globe, thereby endangering the peace
+which should so happily exist between nations of the same blood and
+language, had an infant sheep, of which there are many millions of
+various stocks and qualities now in our country, constantly adding
+wealth and prosperity to our republic, and enabling us to be entirely
+independent of all other nations for our supply of wool, now ample for
+the use of factories already busily employed, and for those which ere
+long will be constructed in all parts of our land, working both by water
+and steam power, and in whatever direction the said Mary traveled, this
+animal, whose fleece was snow-white, even as the lofty mountain-regions
+in the silent solitudes of eternal winter, as the ethereal vapors which
+oft float over an autumnal sky, 'darkly, deeply, beautifully blue' or as
+the lacteal fluid covered with masses of delicate froth, found in the
+buckets of the rosy dairymaid, whether meandering through the meadows in
+midsummer, gathering the luscious strawberry, strolling in the woodland
+paths in search of wild flowers, visiting the church with her uncles,
+cousins, and aunts, to listen to the inspired words which come from the
+lips of the minister of the sanctuary, or when retiring to her blissful
+couch to seek rest and enjoy sweet repose after the cares and labors of
+the day; in fact, 'everywhere that Mary went' this youthful sheep,
+influenced doubtless by that affection which is oft so conspicuously
+manifested by the lower animals in their association with human beings,
+was ever observed to accompany her."
+
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+How she can be Oddly Wrote.
+
+
+The following amusing rhyme clipped from an old paper shows to advantage
+some of the peculiarities of the English language:
+
+    SALLY SALTER.
+
+  Sally Salter, she was a young teacher, that taught,
+  And her friend Charley Church was a preacher, who praught;
+  Though his friends all declared him a screecher, who scraught.
+
+  His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking, and sunk,
+  And his eyes, meeting hers, kept winking, and wunk;
+  While she, in her turn, fell to thinking, and thunk.
+
+  He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed,
+  For his love for her grew--to a mountain it grewed,
+  And what he was longing to do, then he doed.
+
+  In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke:
+  To seek with his lips what his heart had long soke;
+  So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke.
+
+  He asked her to ride to the church and they rode;
+  They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode,
+  And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode.
+
+  Then "Homeward," he said, "let us drive," and they drove,
+  As soon as they wished to arrive they arrove;
+  For whatever he couldn't contrive she controve.
+
+  The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole,
+  At the feet where he wanted to kneel, there he knole,
+  And he said, "I feel better than ever I fole."
+
+  So they to each other kept clinging, and clung,
+  While Time his swift circuit was winging, and wung;
+  And this was the thing he was bringing, and brung:
+
+  The man Sally wanted to catch, and had caught--
+  That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught,
+  Was the one that she now liked to scratch, and she scraught.
+
+  And Charley's warm love began freezing and froze,
+  While he took to teasing, and cruelly tose
+  The girl he had wished to be squeezing and squoze.
+
+  "Wretch!" he cried, when she threatened to leave him, and left,
+  "How could you deceive me, as you have deceft?"
+  And she answered, "I promised to cleave, and I've cleft!"
+
+PLODDING CHANGES.--Some of our plodding readers may like to peruse the
+following curious variations of the well-known line from Gray's "Elegy,"
+"The ploughman homeward plods his weary way":
+
+The weary ploughman homeward plods his way.
+
+The weary ploughman plods his homeward way.
+
+The homeward ploughman plods his weary way.
+
+The homeward ploughman, weary, plods his way.
+
+The homeward, weary, ploughman plods his way.
+
+The weary, homeward ploughman plods his way.
+
+Homeward the weary ploughman plods his way.
+
+Homeward, weary, the ploughman plods his way.
+
+Homeward the ploughman plods his weary way.
+
+Homeward the ploughman, weary, plods his way.
+
+Weary, the homeward ploughman plods his way.
+
+Weary, homeward the ploughman plods his way.
+
+Weary, the ploughman plods his homeward way.
+
+The ploughman plods his homeward, weary way.
+
+The ploughman plods his weary homeward way.
+
+The ploughman homeward, weary, plods his way.
+
+The ploughman, weary, homeward plods his way.
+
+The ploughman, weary, plods his homeward way.
+
+  "My Madeline! My Madeline!
+  Mark my melodious midnight moans;
+  Much may my melting music mean,
+  My modulated monotones.
+
+  "My mandolin's mild minstrelsy,
+  My mental music magazine,
+  My mouth, my mind, my memory,
+  Must mingling murmur, 'Madeline.'
+
+  "Muster 'mid midnight masquerades,
+  Mark Moorish maidens', matrons' mien,
+  'Mongst Murcia's most majestic maids,
+  Match me my matchless Madeline.
+
+  "Mankind's malevolence may make
+  Much melancholy music mine;
+  Many my motives may mistake,
+  My modest merits much malign.
+
+  "My Madeline's most mirthful mood
+  Much mollifies my mind's machine;
+  My mournfulness' magnitude
+  Melts--makes me merry, Madeline!
+
+  "Match-making mas may machinate,
+  Manoeuvring misses me misween;
+  Mere money may make many mate,
+  My magic motto's--'Madeline!'
+
+  "Melt, most mellifluous melody,
+  'Midst Murcia's misty mounts marine,
+  Meet me by moonlight--marry me,
+  Madonna mia!--Madeline."
+
+It is well known that the letter _e_ is used more than any other letter
+in the English alphabet. Each of the following verses contains every
+letter of the alphabet except the letter _e_:
+
+  "A jovial swain should not complain
+    Of any buxom fair
+  Who mocks his pain and thinks it gain
+    To quiz his awkward air.
+
+  "Quixotic boys who look for joys,
+    Quixotic hazards run;
+  A lass annoys with trivial toys,
+    Opposing man for fun.
+
+  "A jovial swain may rack his brain,
+    And tax his fancy's might;
+  To quiz is vain, for 'tis most plain
+    That what I say is right"
+
+    _Northampton_ (_England_) _Courier._
+
+Here is the result of a rhyming punster's efforts:
+
+  "A pretty deer is dear to me,
+    A hare with downy hair,
+  A hart I love with all my heart,
+    But barely bear a bear.
+
+  "'Tis plain that no one takes a plane
+    To pare a pair of pears,
+  Although a rake may take a rake
+    To tear away the tares.
+
+  "Sol's rays raise thyme, time raises all,
+    And through the whole holes wears.
+  A scribe in writing right may write
+    To write and still be wrong;
+  For write and rite are neither right,
+    And don't to right belong.
+
+  "Robertson is not Robert's son,
+    Nor did he rob Burt's son,
+  Yet Robert's sun is Robin's sun,
+    And everybody's sun.
+
+  "Beer often brings a bier to man,
+    Coughing a coffin brings,
+  And too much ale will make us ail,
+    As well as other things.
+
+  "The person lies who says he lies
+    When he is not reclining;
+  And when consumptive folks decline,
+    They all decline declining.
+
+  "Quails do not quail before a storm.
+    A bow will bow before it;
+  We cannot rein the rain at all,
+    No earthly power reigns o'er it.
+
+  "The dyer dyes awhile, then dies--
+    To dye he's always trying;
+  Until upon his dying bed
+    He thinks no more of dyeing.
+
+  "A son of Mars mars many a son,
+    All Deys must have their days;
+  And every knight should pray each night
+    To him who weighs his ways.
+
+  "'Tis meet that man should mete out meat
+    To feed one's fortune's sun;
+  The fair should fare on love alone,
+    Else one cannot be won.
+
+  "Alas, a lass is sometimes false;
+    Of faults a maid is made;
+  Her waist is but a barren waste--
+    Though stayed she is not staid.
+
+  "The springs shoot forth each spring and shoots
+    Shoot forward one and all;
+  Though summer kills the flowers, it leaves
+    The leaves to fall in fall.
+
+  "I would a story here commence,
+    But you might think it stale;
+  So we'll suppose that we have reached
+    The tail end of our tale."
+
+And here is a zoological romance, by C. F. Adams, inspired by an unusual
+flow of animal spirits:
+
+  No sweeter girl ewe ever gnu
+  Than Betty Martin's daughter Sue.
+
+  With sable hare, small tapir waist,
+  And lips you'd gopher miles to taste;
+
+  Bright, lambent eyes, like the gazelle,
+  Sheep pertly brought to bear so well;
+
+  Ape pretty lass it was avowed,
+  Of whom her marmot to be proud.
+
+  Deer girl! I loved her as my life,
+  And vowed to heifer for my wife.
+
+  Alas! A sailor on the sly,
+  Had cast on her his wether eye.
+
+  He said my love for her was bosh,
+  And my affection I musquash.
+
+  He'd dog her footsteps everywhere,
+  Anteater in the easy-chair;
+
+  He'd setter round, this sailor chap,
+  And pointer out upon the map
+
+  Where once a pirate cruiser boar
+  Him captive to a foreign shore.
+
+  The cruel captain far outdid
+  The yaks and crimes of Robert Kid.
+
+  He oft would whale Jack with the cat,
+  And say, "My buck, doe you like that?
+
+  "What makes you stag around so, say?
+  The catamounts to something, hey?"
+
+  Then he would seal it with an oath,
+  And say: "You are a lazy sloth!
+
+  "I'll starve you down, my sailor fine,
+  Until for beef and porcupine!"
+
+  And, fairly horse with fiendish laughter,
+  Would say, "Henceforth, mind what giraffe ter!"
+
+  In short, the many risks he ran
+  Might well a llama braver man;
+
+  Then he was wrecked and castor shore
+  While feebly clinging to anoa;
+
+  Hyena cleft among the rocks
+  He crept, _sans_ shoes and minus ox.
+
+  And when he fain would go to bed,
+  He had to lion leaves instead.
+
+  Then Sue would say, with troubled face,
+  "How koodoo live in such a place?"
+
+  And straightway into tears would melt,
+  And say, "How badger must have felt!"
+
+  While he, the brute, woodchuck her chin,
+  And say, "Aye-aye, my lass!" and grin.
+
+  Excuse these steers.... It's over now;
+  There's naught like grief the hart can cow.
+
+  Jackass'd her to be his, and she--
+  She gave Jackal, and jilted me.
+
+  And now, alas! the little minks
+  Is bound to him with Hymen's lynx.
+
+    --_Detroit Free Press._
+
+While upon the subject of puns, we might quote the following, clipped
+from the "Graphic":
+
+"On being consulted about it Spikes says that Uncle Sam aunticipates the
+transfer of the Indian Bureau to some mother department, and if this
+should father improve the condition of the children of the forest, in
+sondry ways, by cousin them to be more comfortable, it would be a niece
+arrangement and daughter be made." We are inclined, in nephew instances,
+to agree with the gramma, but not the spelling.
+
+The "Graphic" is also responsible for the following English stanza
+transformed into Russian, said to have been found in a room after it had
+been vacated by Alexis while in this country. It is introduced as an
+example of how "she can be oddly wrote":
+
+  "Owata jollitimiv ad
+  Sinci tooklevov mioldad!
+  Owata merricoviv bin--
+  Ivespenta nawful pilovtin!
+  Damsorri tolevami now,
+  But landigoshenjingo vow,
+  Thetur kishwar mustavastop
+  Gotele graphitoff topop."
+
+The following clever paraphrase of the old rhythmic story of "Jack's
+House" is a good illustration of the scope and flexibility of our
+language, and suggests the fact that tautological errors of writing need
+seldom be committed.
+
+  Behold the mansion reared by daedal Jack.
+
+  See the malt stored in many a plethoric sack,
+  In the proud cirque of Ivan's bivouac.
+
+  Mark how the Rat's felonious fangs invade
+  The golden stores in John's pavilion laid.
+
+  Anon, with velvet foot and Tarquin strides,
+  Subtle Grimalkin to his quarry glides--
+  Grimalkin grim, that slew the fierce _rodent_
+  Whose tooth insidious Johann's sackcloth rent.
+
+  Lo! now the deep-mouthed canine foe's assault,
+  That vexed the avenger of the stolen malt,
+  Stored in the hallowed precincts of that hall
+  That rose complete at Jack's creative call.
+
+  Here stalks the impetuous Cow with crumpled horn,
+  Whereon the exacerbating hound was torn,
+  Who bayed the feline slaughter-beast that slew
+  The Rat predaceous, whose keen fangs ran through
+  The textile fibers that involved the grain
+  That lay in Hans' inviolate domain.
+
+  Here walks forlorn the Damsel, crowned with rue,
+  Lactiferous spoils from vaccine dugs, who drew
+  Of that corniculate beast whose tortuous horn
+  Tossed to the clouds, in fierce vindictive scorn,
+  The harrowing hound, whose braggart bark and stir
+  Arched the lithe spine and reared the indignant fur
+  Of Puss, that with verminicidal claw
+  Struck the weird Rat, in whose insatiate maw
+  Lay reeking malt, that erst in Ivan's courts we saw
+  Robed in senescent garb that seems in sooth
+  Too long a prey to Chronos' iron tooth.
+
+  Behold the man whose amorous lips incline,
+  Full with young Eros' osculative sign,
+  To the lorn maiden whose lact-albic hands,
+  Drew albu-lactic wealth from lacteal glands
+  Of that immortal bovine, by whose horn
+  Distort, to realm ethereal was borne
+  The beast catulean, vexer of that sly
+  Ulysses quadrupedal, who made die
+  The old mordacious Rat, that dared devour
+  Antecedaneous Ale, in John's domestic bower.
+
+  Lo, here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct
+  Of saponaceous locks, the Priest who linked
+  In Hymen's golden bands the torn unthrift,
+  Whose means exiguous stared from many a rift,
+  Even as he kissed the virgin all forlorn,
+  Who milked the cow with implicated horn,
+  Who in fine wrath the canine torturer skied,
+  That dared to vex the insidious muricide,
+  Who let the auroral effluence through the pelt
+  Of the sly Rat that robbed the palace Jack had built.
+
+  The loud cantankerous Shanghai comes at last,
+  Whose shouts arouse the shorn ecclesiast,
+  Who sealed the vows of Hymen's sacrament,
+  To him who robed in garments indigent,
+  Exosculates the damsel lachrymose,
+  The emulgator of that horned brute morose,
+  That tossed the dog, that worried the cat, that kilt
+  The Rat that ate the malt, that lay in the house that Jack built.
+
+
+
+
+VII.
+
+By the Untutored.
+
+
+Care should be taken in writing for the young, or they may get a wholly
+different meaning from the language than that intended. The Bishop of
+Hereford was examining a school-class one day, and, among other things,
+asked what an average was. Several boys pleaded ignorance, but one at
+last replied, "It is what a hen lays on." This answer puzzled the bishop
+not a little; but the boy persisted in it, stating that he had read it
+in his little book of facts. He was then told to bring the little book,
+and, on doing so, he pointed triumphantly to a paragraph commencing,
+"The domestic hen lays _on an average_ fifty eggs each year."
+
+If English is "wrote" as she is often "spoke" by the ignorant and
+careless, she would bear little resemblance to the original Queen's
+English. A listener wrote out a short conversation heard the other day
+between two pupils of a high-school, and here is the phonetic result:
+
+"Warejergo lasnight?"
+
+"Hadder skate."
+
+"Jerfind th'ice hard'n'good?"
+
+"Yes, hard'nough."
+
+"Jer goerlone?"
+
+"No; Bill'n Joe wenterlong."
+
+"Howlate jerstay?"
+
+"Pastate."
+
+"Lemmeknow wenyergoagin, woncher? I wantergo'n'show yer howterskate."
+
+"H'm, ficoodn't skate better'n you I'd sell-out'n'quit."
+
+"Well, we'll tryeranc'n'seefyercan."
+
+Here, as they took different streets, their conversation ceased.
+
+A writer in the "School-boy Magazine" has gathered together the
+following dictionary words as defined by certain small people:
+
+Bed-time--Shut eye time.
+
+Dust--Mud with the juice squeezed out.
+
+Fan--A thing to brush warm off with.
+
+Fins--A fish's wings.
+
+Ice--Water that staid out in the cold and went to sleep.
+
+Monkey--A very small boy with a tail.
+
+Nest-Egg--The egg that the old hen measures by, to make new ones.
+
+Pig--A hog's little boy.
+
+Salt--What makes your potato taste bad when you don't put any on.
+
+Snoring--Letting off sleep.
+
+Stars--The moon's eggs.
+
+Wakefulness--Eyes all the time coming unbuttoned.
+
+The following specimens from scholars' examinations in making sentences
+to illustrate the definitions of words, found in their small
+dictionaries, will have a familiar sound to some of our readers:
+
+Frantic = Wild: I picked a bouquet of frantic flowers.
+
+Retorted = Returned: We retorted home at six o'clock.
+
+Summoned = Called: I summoned to see Mary last week.
+
+Athletic = Strong: The vinegar was too athletic to be used.
+
+Poignant = Sharp: My knife is very poignant.
+
+Ordinances = Rules: We learned the ordinances for finding the greatest
+common divisor.
+
+Turbid = Muddy: The road was so turbid that we stuck fast in the mud.
+
+Tandem = One behind another: The scholars sit tandem in school.
+
+Akimbo = With a crook: I saw a dog with an akimbo in his tail.
+
+Atonement = Satisfaction: There is no atonement in boat-riding in a cold
+day.
+
+Composure = Calmness: The composure of the day was remarkable.
+
+We have the authority of the late Dr. Hart as to the genuineness of the
+following extracts, taken from the papers of a class seeking admission
+into a high-school, to which had been given a list of words for their
+meanings and applications:
+
+Fabulous--Full of threads: Silk is fabulous.
+
+Accession--The act of eating a great deal: John got very sick after
+dinner by accession.
+
+Atonement--A small insect: Queen Mab was pulled by atonements.
+
+Develop--To swallow up: God sent a whale to develop Jonah.
+
+Circumference--Distance through the middle: Distance around the middle
+of the outside.
+
+Mobility--Belonging to the people: The mobility of St. Louis has greatly
+increased.
+
+Adequate--A land animal: An elephant is an adequate.
+
+Gregarious--Pertaining to idols: The Sandwich-Islanders are gregarious.
+
+Fluctuation--Coming in great numbers: There was a great fluctuation of
+immigrants.
+
+Alternate--Not ternate.
+
+Intrinsic--Not trinsic: weak, feeble: He was a very intrinsic old man.
+
+Subservient--One opposed to the upholding of servants.
+
+
+
+Don't:
+
+_A Manual of Mistakes and Improprieties
+more or less prevalent
+in Conduct and Speech._
+
+"I'll view the manners of the town."--_Comedy of Errors._
+
+_By CENSOR._
+
+Square 16mo. Parchment paper. Price, 30 cents.
+
+
+
+English as She is Spoke;
+
+_Or, A Jest in Sober Earnest._
+
+Compiled from the celebrated "_New Guide of Conversation
+in Portuguese and English_."
+
+
+"Excruciatingly funny."--_London World._
+
+"Every one who loves a laugh should either buy, beg, borrow,
+or--we had almost said steal--the book."--_London Fun._
+
+
+Square 16mo. Parchment-paper cover. Price, 30 cents.
+
+
+
+_Write and Speak Correctly._
+
+
+The Orthoepist:
+
+    A Pronouncing Manual, containing about Three Thousand
+    Five Hundred Words, including a considerable Number of
+    the Names of Foreign Authors, Artists, etc., that are
+    often mispronounced. By ALFRED AYRES. Fourteenth
+    edition. 18mo, cloth, extra. Price, $1.00.
+
+    "It gives us pleasure to say that we think the author in
+    the treatment of this very difficult and intricate
+    subject, English pronunciation, gives proof of not only
+    an unusual degree of orthoepical knowledge, but also,
+    for the most part, of rare judgment and
+    taste."--JOSEPH THOMAS, LL. D., in _Literary
+    World_.
+
+
+
+The Verbalist:
+
+    A Manual devoted to Brief Discussions of the Right and
+    the Wrong Use of Words, and to some other Matters of
+    Interest to those who would Speak and Write with
+    Propriety, including a Treatise on Punctuation. By
+    ALFRED AYRES, author of "The Orthoepist." Ninth
+    edition. 18mo, cloth, extra. Price, $1.00.
+
+    "We remain shackled by timidity till we have learned to
+    speak with propriety."--JOHNSON.
+
+
+
+Errors in the Use of English.
+
+
+By the late WILLIAM B. HODGSON, LL. D.,
+
+    Professor of Political Economy in the University of
+    Edinburgh. American revised edition. 12mo, cloth. Price,
+    $1.50.
+
+    "The most comprehensive and useful of the many books
+    designed to promote correctness in English composition
+    by furnishing examples of inaccuracy, is the volume
+    compiled by the late William B. Hodgson, under the title
+    of 'Errors in the Use of English.' The American edition
+    of this treatise, now published by the Appletons, has
+    been revised, and in many respects materially improved,
+    by Francis A. Teall, who seldom differs from the author
+    without advancing satisfactory reasons for his opinion.
+    The capital merits of this work are that it is founded
+    on actual blunders, verified by chapter and verse
+    reference, and that the breaches of good use to which
+    exception is taken have been committed, not by slipshod,
+    uneducated writers, of whom nothing better could be
+    expected, but by persons distinguished for more than
+    ordinary carefulness in respect to style."--_New York
+    Sun._
+
+
+
+    "_'Bachelor Bluff' is bright, witty, keen, deep, sober,
+    philosophical, amusing, instructive, philanthropic--in
+    short, what is not 'Bachelor Bluff'?_"
+
+
+NEW CHEAP SUMMER EDITION, IN PARCHMENT PAPER.
+
+
+Bachelor Bluff:
+
+  _His Opinions, Sentiments, and
+  Disputations._ By OLIVER B. BUNCE.
+
+    "Mr. Bunce is a writer of uncommon freshness and
+    power.... Those who have read his brief but carefully
+    written studies will value at their true worth the
+    genuine critical insight and fine literary qualities
+    which characterize his work."--_Christian Union._
+
+    "We do not recall any volume of popular essays published
+    of late years which contains so much good writing, and
+    so many fine and original comments on topics of current
+    interest. Mr. Oracle Bluff is a self-opinionated,
+    genial, whole-souled fellow.... His talk is terse,
+    epigrammatic, full of quotable proverbs and isolated
+    bits of wisdom."--_Boston Traveller._
+
+    "It is a book which, while professedly aiming to amuse,
+    and affording a very rare and delightful fund of
+    amusement, insinuates into the crevices of the
+    reflective mind thoughts and sentiments that are sure to
+    fructify and perpetuate themselves."--_Eclectic
+    Magazine._
+
+New cheap edition. 16mo, parchment paper. Price, 50 cents.
+
+
+
+Hygiene for Girls.
+
+By IRENAEUS P. DAVIS, M. D.
+
+18mo, cloth. Price, $1.25.
+
+    "Many a woman whose childhood was bright with promise
+    endures an after-life of misery because, through a false
+    delicacy, she remained ignorant of her physical nature
+    and requirements, although on all other subjects she may
+    be well-informed; and so at length she goes to her grave
+    mourning the hard fate that has made existence a burden,
+    and perhaps wondering to what end she was born, when a
+    little knowledge at the proper time would have shown her
+    how to easily avoid those evils that have made her life
+    a wretched failure."--_From Introduction._
+
+    "A very useful book, for parents who have daughters is
+    'Hygiene for Girls,' by Irenaeus P. Davis, M.D.,
+    published by D. Appleton & Co. And it is just the book
+    for an intelligent, well-instructed girl to read with
+    care. It is not a text-book, nor does it bristle with
+    technical terms. But it tells in simple language just
+    what girls should do and not to do to preserve the
+    health and strength, to realize the joys, and prepare
+    for the duties of a woman's lot. It is written with a
+    delicacy, too, which a mother could hardly surpass in
+    talking with her daughter."--_Christian at Work._
+
+
+
+    PRICE, $1,25 A VOL.] [IN TWELVE VOLS.
+
+             THE
+    _Parchment Shakspere._
+
+    NEW EDITION OF SHAKSPERE'S WORKS,
+    Bound in parchment, uncut, gilt top.
+
+
+           New York:
+    D. APPLETON AND COMPANY,
+    1, 3, AND 5 BOND STREET.
+
+    This edition is being printed with new type, cast
+    expressly for the work, on laid linen paper, and in a
+    form and style which give it peculiar elegance. The text
+    is mainly that of DELIUS, the chief difference
+    consisting in a more sparing use of punctuation than
+    that employed by the well-known German editor. Wherever
+    a variant reading is adopted, some good and recognized
+    SHAKSPEREAN critic has been followed. In no case is a
+    new rendering of the text proposed; nor has it been
+    thought necessary to distract the reader's attention by
+    notes or comments.
+
+
+    "_There is, perhaps no edition in which the works of
+    Shakspere can be read in such luxury of type, and quiet
+    distinction of form, as this._"--PALL MALL GAZETTE.
+
+
+
+The English Grammar _of William Cobbett_.
+
+Carefully revised and annotated by
+
+ALFRED AYRES,
+
+_Author of "The Orthoepist," "The Verbalist," etc._
+
+
+    "The only amusing grammar in the world."--HENRY LYTTON
+    BULWER.
+
+    "Interesting as a story-book."--HAZLITT.
+
+    "I know it well, and have read it with great
+    admiration."--RICHARD GRANT WHITE.
+
+    "Cobbett's Grammar is probably the most readable grammar
+    ever written. For the purposes of self-education it is
+    unrivaled."--_From the Preface._
+
+    Mr. Ayres makes a feature of the fact that WHO and WHICH
+    _are properly the_ CO-ORDINATING _relative pronouns_,
+    and that THAT _is properly the_ RESTRICTIVE _relative
+    pronoun_.
+
+    The Grammar has an Index covering no less than eight
+    pages.
+
+
+    Uniform with "The Orthoepist" and "The Verbalist."
+    18mo, cloth. Price, $1.00.
+
+
+
+New York: D. APPLETON & CO., 1, 3, & 5 Bond Street.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of English as She is Wrote, by Anonymous
+
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+
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