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diff --git a/25860.txt b/25860.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8587163 --- /dev/null +++ b/25860.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2266 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +July 29, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 29, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 20, 2008 [EBook #25860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 147. + + + +July 29th, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Signor ULVI, the inventor +of "F" rays. He is said to have eloped from Florence with an Admiral's +daughter. This was not discovered until Signor ULVI had got well away, +and his claim to be able to cause explosions at a distance would now +seem to be established. + + *** + +General HUERTA is said to have taken with him on his flight securities +to the amount of L1,200,000. Even so it is typical of the grasping +nature of the man that he complained of having to leave Mexico City +behind. + + *** + +A storm of indignation has been raised in Berlin by an order +(instigated, it is said, in a very high quarter) that all _cafes_ must +close at 2 A.M. A petition is being circulated which points out that +this order will kill Berlin's tourist traffic, "as the night life of +the city is the only attraction for visitors." This implication that a +certain exalted personage is not among the local attractions seems to +us to amount almost to _lese-majeste_. + + *** + +When Lieutenant PORTE's water-plane, "The America," refused to rise, +he should have tried changing its name to "The South America." + + *** + +The Buckinghamshire Territorials, under their new commandant, Colonel +WETHERED, are going in for chorus-singing practice. This is a good +idea. Sung badly enough, these choruses should prove a valuable weapon +against a musical foe, such as the Germans. + + *** + +Owing to an outbreak of mumps at Harrow School the summer term has +had to close some days earlier than usual. It is characteristic of +the generous nature of the Harrow boys that, in spite of this annoying +interruption of their studies, there has been very little open +expression of resentment against those who introduced the ailment. + + *** + +Coventry's annual Lady Godiva procession took place last week, and was +a success. It is feared, however, that with the advance of fashion +the principal character--who on this occasion was attired in pink +fleshings draped with white chiffon--will be voted overdressed and so +fail to attract. + + *** + +"To be well booted," says _The Times_, "is to feel well dressed, at +the top of one's power and joy." A small boy, however, who was well +booted by a larger boy the other day admits that he received a +good dressing, but holds that, apart from this, _The Times_ was +misinformed. + + *** + +The announcement that in the course of excavations on the site of the +old General Post Office in St. Martin's-le-Grand, some old Roman tile +stamps have been discovered, has caused, we hear, a profound sensation +in philatelic circles. + + *** + +Exceptionally rough weather is reported from the Bay of Biscay, and +it is said that on a certain passenger vessel even the valet of a +well-known nobleman was ill, _although he was an old retainer._ + + *** + +"Fishing with rod and line from a boat in the Downs at Deal," says +_The Daily Mail_, "Lord HERSCHELL and a friend caught 600 fish on +Sunday. The fish, mostly pouting, were hauled in three and four at a +time." We suspect they were pouting to show their annoyance at having +their Sabbath rest disturbed. + + *** + +It is proposed in an L.C.C. report that barges should be used as +open-air schools on the river. Schools of language, presumably. + + *** + +We are asked to deny that the fire which broke out at the bookstall +at the Hampstead station of the North London Railway last week was +produced spontaneously by a copy of one of MISS VICTORIA CROSS's +novels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bather._ "I SAY! I SAY! THE CURRENT IS FRIGHTFULLY +STRONG; I'M BEING CARRIED OUT." + +_Bathing Attendant._ "ALL RIGHT, SIR, ALL RIGHT! I'VE GOT ME EYE ON +YER!"] + + * * * * * + +THE USES OF OCEAN. + +(_Lines written in an irresponsible holiday mood._) + + To people who allege that we + Incline to overrate the Sea, + I answer, "We do not; + Apart from being coloured blue, + It has its uses not a few-- + I cannot think what we should do + If ever 'the deep did rot.'" + + Take ships, for instance. You will note + That, lacking stuff on which to float, + They could not get about; + Dreadnought and liner, smack and yawl, + And other types that you'll recall-- + They simply could not sail at all + If Ocean once gave out. + + And see the trouble which it saves + To islands; but for all those waves + That made us what we are-- + But for their help so kindly lent, + Teutons could march right through to Kent + And never need to circumvent + A single British tar. + + Take fish, again. I have in mind + No better field that they could find + For exercise and sport; + How would the whale, I want to know, + The blubbery whale contrive to blow; + Where would your playful kipper go + If the supply ran short? + + And hence we rank the Ocean high; + But there are privy reasons why + Its praise is on my lip: + I deem it, when my heart is set + On walking into something wet, + The nicest medium I have met + In which to take a dip. + + Ah, speed the hour already fixed + When, mid the bathers (freely mixed), + In a polite costume + I mean to plunge beneath the spray + And, washing from a soul at play + The City's stain--three times a day-- + Restore its vernal bloom. + + Rocked like a babe upon the brine + It is my dream to float supine + And to the vast inane + Banish awhile from off my chest + The cares that hold it now obsessed, + And even take a clean-cut rest + From Ulster-on-the-brain. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +The Best Holiday Insurance. + +_Mr. Punch_ ventures to hint to the gentlest among his readers that, +while there are excellent methods of insuring against the disturbance +of their holidays by accident or bad weather, the best way for them to +insure happiness is to offer a share of it to those who cannot afford +a holiday of their own. The very easy sum of TEN SHILLINGS means a +Fortnight among green fields or by the sea for one poor child, if +the gift is sent--and now is the moment--to the Earl of ARRAN, Hon. +Treasurer of the Children's Country Holiday Fund, 18, Buckingham +Street, Strand, W.C. + + * * * * * + +THE CRISIS. + + ["Lord Macaulay's prose seems to be finding favour again." + _Oshkosh Sentinel._] + +The place, too, was well fitted for such a gathering. Memories of +departed monarchs spoke from the rich hangings of the room in tones +that were not less eloquent for being silent. Here the FIRST GENTLEMAN +OF EUROPE had displayed the rounded symmetry of those calves which +had defied the serried legions of the French and, in their lighter +moments, had captured the wayward fancies of the fair or mitigated the +harshness of a statesman. This was the chamber where the SAILOR KING, +bluff but not undignified, had jested with his intimates, had smoothed +a frown from the rugged brow of WELLINGTON or held his own against the +eagle glance of GREY; the chamber where the great QUEEN, conscious of +her august destiny, had consecrated to grief such moments as could +be spared from the needs of Empire; the chamber where her son had +laboured for peace and extended the bounds of friendship; the chamber +where a DISRAELI, repaying scorn with scorn, may have spread his +snares, and a GLADSTONE, overwhelmed by the torrent of his own +eloquence, may have fallen into them. + +Nothing was wanting to complete the solemnity of the spectacle. +Outside, the scarlet-coated sentries paced rigidly on their accustomed +rounds, and the populace, hemmed in by the strong arms and the panting +forms of the constabulary, cheered to the echo its favourites or +exchanged with one another the harmless sallies that give pleasure to +a crowd. Within, the KING himself, his face now clouded with anxious +thought, now lit with hope, gave a cordial welcome to the more +unwonted of the guests he had summoned to his presence, while busy +courtiers filled the corridors with an importance which lost nothing +in weight from being unwarranted by knowledge or experience. Lackeys +in the gorgeous liveries of the most brilliant Court in Europe were +in attendance, ready to minister to those whose failing strength might +need refreshment, or to execute with intelligence and despatch the +humbler duties pertaining to their office. + +Nor were the chiefs unworthy of the scene to which they had been +called. There was the Speaker, LOWTHER, his brow beaming with the +good-humour which enabled him to abate pomposity without injuring +the feelings even of the pompous, and to calm with a happy phrase the +agitated waters of debate. There were ASQUITH, strong in the affection +of his friends, and LLOYD GEORGE, braced to action by the invectives +of his foes. There were LAW and LANSDOWNE, staunch defenders of the +citadel in which the last of the Tories, stern and unbending as ever, +had sought refuge. Waterford had sent JOHN REDMOND, the pride and +champion of a nation, the unwearied vindicator of Ireland's right to +govern herself. Through years of contumely and depression he had borne +aloft her standard, and now, when her triumph was all but achieved, +he was here to watch over a settlement which all desired, though +none hitherto had been able to bring it about. With him had come JOHN +DILLON, tall, dignified and stately, whose grey hair and admirable +bearing had won the respect and conciliated the temper of the most +fastidious assembly in the world. Arrayed against these two, sons +of Ireland no less than they, were CARSON and CRAIG; CARSON with his +saturnine face and his swift and piercing intelligence, CRAIG of the +burly form and uncompliant humour. Vowed to the Orange cause, and +dwelling fondly on memories of the Boyne, they denounced with equal +severity the religion of Rome and the political aspirations of the +majority of their fellow-countrymen. Such were the men who were now +met to decide the most momentous issue of our time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POWER BEHIND. + +AUSTRIA (_at the ultimatum stage_). "I DON'T QUITE LIKE HIS ATTITUDE. +SOMEBODY MUST BE BACKING HIM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GLOSSOMANCY IS THE NEW SCIENCE WHICH ENABLES YOU TO +READ PEOPLE'S CHARACTERS BY THE SHAPE AND SIZE OF THEIR TONGUES. THE +ABOVE CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION OF PARLOUR-MAID IS IN THE ACT OF +RESPONDING TO AN INQUIRY AS TO WHETHER SHE IS HONEST, INDUSTRIOUS, +GOOD-TEMPERED, TRUTHFUL AND OBLIGING. THERE IS FEAR THAT HER ACTION, +THOUGH PURELY SCIENTIFIC, MAY PROVE FATAL TO THE INTELLIGENT GIRL'S +CHANCES.] + + * * * * * + +MUTABILITY. + +"And now," I said, while the waiter was bringing the bill, "where +would you like to go?" + +"I don't mind," he said. "What about a music-hall? I haven't seen one +for twenty years. There's a cinema about five miles from my place, but +it's too dear. Only the millionaires can use it." + +"Very well, then," I said, "we'll go to a music-hall; but you'll find +that they've changed a bit." + +"I don't mind," he said, "so long as there's something good. There's +so much variety in a music-hall, one turn after another, don't you +know, that you can't go far wrong." + +My spirits sank. East Africa had kept his youth in camphor, and he had +no knowledge of the wonderful advances that we have been making. Turns +indeed! + +"I'll do the best I can for you," I said, "but I'm afraid you'll be +disappointed." + +"Oh, no," he assured me stoutly, "not in a music-hall. I've been +wanting to see one again for years. I suppose Jimmy Fawn isn't still +going?" + +My spirits fell lower. + +We went to one of the regular places, and, as I had feared, found +a revue in full blast. Topical talk, scenery and American songs +interminably. Every time a new person came on the stage my friend +eagerly perked up and lost his depression, hoping that at last it +might be one of his old delights--a juggler or knockabout or something +like that--but always he was disappointed. + +"I say, where are we?" he asked. "This isn't a music-hall, is it?" + +"One of the best," I replied. + +He looked round in dismay. + +"But where are the waiters?" he asked. + +"Not allowed among the audience any more," I told him; "in fact, some +music-halls don't even have licences." + +He stared at me in astonishment and sank into apathy. Coming up again +he said, "Do you remember those two fellows with enormous stomachs and +hooked sticks? They were funny, if you like. Don't you have that sort +of thing any more?" + +"No," I said. + +"Do you remember that act," he said--"I believe it was called the +Risley act--where a man lay on his back, with his legs up in the air, +and flung his family about with his feet? That was jolly clever. Don't +you have that any more?" + +"No," I said. + +"And the Sisters something or other," he said, "dashed pretty girls, +who did everything at the same time--are they gone for ever?" + +"For ever," I said. + +"And no comic songs either?" he asked. + +"You've heard a lot of comic songs this evening," I replied. + +"Oh, those," he said. "I don't call those comic. They're not comic +songs, they're comic-opera songs. Don't you have the others any more?" + +"Not at this kind of hall," I said. "I daresay there may be a singer +or so left somewhere, with too big a coat and too small a hat, but not +here." + +"Then what are all the old performers doing?" he asked. + +"I believe they're starving," I said. + + * * * * * + + "A NOVEL HOSPITAL AT SHEFFIELD."--_Yorkshire Post._ + +Some of them certainly want a bit of doctoring. + + * * * * * + +THE PROGRESS OF MAN. + +(_By our Anthropological Expert._) + +PROFESSOR KEITH, of the Royal College of Surgeons, reporting on the +skeleton of a prehistoric twelve-year-old boy recently discovered near +Ipswich, pronounces his stature to be much the same as the average +height of a modern boy of the same age, but the size of the head is +remarkably large. The professor states that he and his colleagues are +trying to get hold of people of every period, going as far back as +they can. They will then be able to differentiate the types that lived +in any period, and check the changes that came over them. So far, +however, there has been very little change. + +Perhaps the most striking result of Professor KEITH's appeal so +far has come from the Isle of Man, where a magnificent three-legged +skeleton has been discovered in the Caves of Bradda. The remains have +been pronounced by Professor Quellin, the famous Manx anthropologist, +to be those of a man not less than 175 years of age, whose facial +angle bears so marked a resemblance to that of Mr. HALL CAINE as to +warrant the hypothesis that he was one of the royal ancestors of the +eminent novelist. Close to the skeleton was a long bronze trumpet, +from which Professor Quellin, after several ineffectual efforts, +ultimately succeeded in eliciting a deep booming note. Mr. HALL CAINE, +who has taken the liveliest interest in the discovery, is at present +studying the instrument, and will, it is hoped, give a recital shortly +in the House of Keys. + +The recent excavations at the famous Culbin Sands, undertaken by the +Forres Antiquarian Institute, have also resulted in some remarkable +finds. Prominent among these is a complete set of golf clubs belonging +to the Bronze period. In regard to length the clubs are very much the +same as the average implements used at the present day, but the large +size of the heads is remarkable, the niblick weighing nearly half a +hundredweight. It is plausibly inferred that clubs of this pattern may +also have been used as weapons, as the dwellers in this district in +the Bronze period are known to have been of a warlike and tumultuous +disposition. The game is believed to have been introduced by some +Maccabaean settlers, the ancestors of the clan of Macbeth, who +flourished in the vicinity. + +In that fine spirit of enterprise which has always characterised _The +Daily Lyre_, the proprietors of that periodical have offered a prize +of L5,000 for the most characteristic relic of ancient and modern +British civilization, to be sent in by October 1. Already several +notable exhibits have been forwarded for the competition. Mr. Ronald +McLurkin, of Tain, has submitted portions of the boiler of an ancient +locomotive, apparently used on the Highland Railway in the time of the +Boer War. Dr. Edgar Hollam, of Brancaster, has sent a fine specimen of +a fossilised Norfolk biffin, and Miss Sheila Muldooney, of Skibbereen, +a copy of _The Skibbereen Eagle_ containing the historic announcement +that it had its eye on the Tsar of RUSSIA. Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER sends +a daguerreotype of himself in knickerbockers with side whiskers and +moustache, and Mr. BERNARD SHAW the first interview with himself +that he ever wrote. It appeared in _The Freeman's Journal_ in the +"seventies" and is illustrated with six portraits, in one of which +Mr. SHAW appears in an Eton suit and a tall hat, "the only one I ever +possessed." + +Sir HENRY HOWARTH has forwarded a copy of _The Times_ containing +his first contribution to that journal, a letter occupying a +column-and-a-half of small print, on the mammoth as a domestic pet in +the Court of the early Moghul Emperors. Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL competes +with an essay which he wrote, while a schoolboy at Harrow, on the +dangers of Democracy; and Master ANTHONY ASQUITH has sent the rough +notes of a Lecture on "The Balliol Manner" which he delivered many +years ago before a select audience at Claridge's. The contrast in form +and thought between this crude essay and his recent lectures on the +mysticism of RABINDRANATH TAGORE is quite amazing. We may also briefly +note the MS. version of an early sonnet by Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, addressed +to Sir SIDNEY LEE; several safety-pins and a sponge-bag which once +belonged to CHARLOTTE BRONTE and are now entered for the competition +by Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER; and a hot-water bottle used by S. T. COLERIDGE +when he was writing "The Ancient Mariner," now in the possession of +Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE. + +The interesting point that emerges so far is that while little change +is observable in the physique, habits and manners of the British, +as illustrated by these relics, up to the last ten years or so, the +development in every direction, since the foundation of _The Daily +Lyre_, has been quite extraordinarily rapid and pronounced. For +instance, a cast of the head of a modern "nut" shows a compactness +which compares most favourably with the overgrown cranium of the +prehistoric boy reported on by Professor KEITH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Captain of the Preparatory School._ "WELL, +YOUNGSTER, WHAT IS IT? WANT MY AUTOGRAPH?"] + + * * * * * + + "To-day there are 2,000,000 muskrats in Bohemia, and, like + rabbits in Australia, they are spreading all over the fruitful + regions of the province and destroying fish in the breeding + ponds."--_Daily Mail._ + +You should see our rabbit destroying our trout. + + * * * * * + + "She was a flesh and blood woman, fit to be the mother of + husky sons."--_"Daily Sketch" feuilleton._ + +They would constantly rise up and call her blessed, and this would +account for their hoarseness. (Jones's jujubes are the best.) + + * * * * * + + "The sturgeon ... consists of fish, flesh, and fowl, the + latter part commanding a good saleable price."--_Carlisle + Journal._ + +The wings are particularly tender. + + * * * * * + +Fashions for Men. + + "Lord Salisbury came with Lady Beatrice Ormsby-Gore, wearing + blue charmeuse."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Worthy._ "AH, I USED TO BE AS FOND OF A DROP +O' BEER AS ANYONE, BUT NOWADAYS IF I DO TAKE TWO OR DREE GALLONS IT DO +KNOCK I OVER!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR COLOSSAL ARRANGEMENTS. + +One of the most appalling scandals of modern times is the disgraceful +suppression by the Ginger-beer Press of news relating to the state of +affairs in the Isle of Wight. For some weeks we have not flinched +from filling our columns with picturesque accounts of the epoch-making +events taking place there; and yet the Ginger-beer Press has cruelly +put off its readers with the scantiest details, or else refrained from +any sort of reference. We make our protest all the more vigorously +because many of those readers have been driven to read our own journal +in preference to the erroneous and misleading sheets to which we have +referred. + +This distressing state of things has forced us to make the fullest +arrangements for a constant stream of news to be supplied from our +branch offices at Ventnor, Totland Bay, the Needles, and other points +of the Island. We have despatched a huge staff of world-famous war +correspondents, descriptive writers, poets, photographers, Royal +Academy artists, gallopers, commissariat officers, and trained +bloodhounds. Field kitchens, field wireless equipment, and field +glasses are included among their impedimenta, and no single message +will be printed in our pages that has not been sent in some other +way than through the ordinary channels of the post, telephone and +telegraph. Each member of this army of artists, litterateurs and +tacticians possesses a hip pocket, fully loaded, two pairs of puttees, +a compass and a wrist watch. + +Every day scores of women and children are leaving the Isle of Wight +for the mainland. Gunboats and cruisers are passing and repassing +before its shores, by order of the Admiralty; strong, silent men are +doggedly pursuing the business they have in hand. In the very heart +of the island some of the flower of the youth of our country is +being trained in the art of naval warfare, while the thunders of +gun-practice are heard every hour around the coast. Yet, search where +you will in the Ginger-beer Press during the last few weeks, you will +find practically no reference to these things. + +We implore our readers, on the highest patriotic grounds, to inform +the few remaining adherents of the Ginger-beer Press that if they +desire the Truth it can be found only in our pages. + +We have the pleasure of printing below the first of the astonishing +articles which have been sent already from our Expeditionary Staff:-- + +THE PRELIMINARY CALM. + +_By Blinton X. Krapt._ + +The streets of Cowes are bathed in sunlight. Smart yachtsmen, +accompanied by daintily dressed ladies, walk hither and thither. The +shopkeepers chat pleasantly. The burly policeman drowsily pursues +his way. Children shout happily. Surely here is peace, says the +unsuspecting visitor. + +A brown-faced man with a light beard and a heavy tread approached +us. "It is all right," said my companion to him; "this gentleman is +a friend." Then, lowering his voice, he added: "_He came over last +night._" "Beautiful place, Cowes, isn't it?" said the bronzed man. I +noticed that his hip pocket bulged. Yet none would have suspected that +his conversation was not of a perfectly ordinary character. + +Entering the most sumptuous hotel in Cowes we had lunch. There was +nothing sinister about the place except that the waiters were German. +But I noted signs of understanding between them and my friend. "I have +been here before," he explained, with a quick glance about him. + +So life goes on from day to day. We are waiting, waiting. The little +boot-maker in his shop is waiting. The tailor is waiting. The hotel +staffs are waiting. The passengers on the railway platforms are +waiting. On the surface life is gay and free from care; but what I may +have to tell you when it comes round to my turn to write again, who +can say? + + * * * * * + +THE TOP SLICE. + + +I. + +_Letter from Mrs. Gregory-Browne to + Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe. + Upper Tooting, + 21st July, 1914._ + +MY DEAREST AGATHA,--I must tell you about an extraordinary occurrence. +They were all quite respectable people, indeed most respectable. +Perhaps I ought not to include Mr. Jones. He is, you know (I mention +this in the strictest confidence, dearest), he is not--well, you know, +he hardly belongs to our set. I cannot understand why James is so +absurdly fond of him. + +It was my At Home day last week and quite a lot of people, really nice +people too, came in spite of the heat. The heat may have had something +to do with it, but I really cannot think what it was. + +I handed a plate of bread-and-butter to Miss Niccole. To my surprise +she hesitated a moment and then took the plate and handed it to me. +When I declined she offered it to Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson. You +know, dear, she is fourth cousin to a baronet. Then the extraordinary +thing occurred. Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson took the plate and +offered it to Miss Niccole. When Miss Niccole declined it she offered +it to Mr. Wildegoose (pronounced Wildergos, you know, dear). Then it +was his turn. And so it went on. Really, it was most extraordinary. +Nothing like it has ever been known in our family. I really cannot +understand it. + +Everybody passed the plate, and at last it came to Mr. Jones. He +pointed at the top piece of bread-and-butter. Yes, he actually +pointed. He then made the following extraordinary remark: "I say, +hasn't this broken loose from the bread-pudding, what, what?" +Thereupon he pushed it on one side and took the next slice. I was +ashamed and mortified for such a thing to happen in my house. Really, +it was most extraordinary. + +Mr. Allen, the new curate, came in just then. He took the top slice, +but I caught him absent-mindedly putting it in a flower-pot. When he +saw me looking at him he blushed and started--started eating it, +I mean. However, he left most of it, and when everyone was gone +I examined it. It was perhaps a little hardened by the sun, but +otherwise it was quite a nice piece of bread-and-butter. I cannot +understand it at all. The whole thing was really most extraordinary +... most extraordinary. + + Your ever loving SARAH. + + +II. + +_Letter from Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe to + Mrs. Gregory-Browne. + Chiswick, + 22nd July, 1914._ + +MY DEAREST SARAH,--I have just read your most interesting letter, +and I quite agree that the whole occurrence was, as you say, most +extraordinary. I mentioned it to George. He says he has no doubt at +all that it was really a sound piece of bread-and-butter. I don't know +whether the enclosed cutting will help you to understand, but I am +sending it. It is from last Saturday's _Tooting Argus_. Somebody sent +it to George. + + Your loving AGATHA. + + +III. + +Extract from _The Tooting Argus:_-- + +GREAT NEW FEATURE. + +PROBLEMS OF CONDUCT. + +(CONDUCTED BY REGINALD AUGUSTUS PLANTAGENET-HARRIS.) + +_Problem 3._--A. is paying a call. His hostess offers him +bread-and-butter. He notices that the top piece has suffered from the +heat. What should A. do? + +Answer adjudged correct.--A. should politely take the plate from his +hostess, murmuring, "May I offer it to you?" If she refuses he should +offer it to his nearest neighbour. When the offending slice has been +got rid of in this way he can help himself to the next slice and then +return the plate to its owner. + +Highly commended.--A. should explain to his hostess that he has a +peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices of bread-and-butter from +the houses of the great. His collection of Royal Family slices is +unrivalled. Might he have the pleasure and honour of adding to his +collection this dainty specimen? He should then reverently fold the +slice in two and place it in his breast-pocket. + +[Our only objection to this is that it seems a rather greasy thing to +do.] + +Incorrect answers:--(1) A. should make a facetious remark, such as, +"Hasn't this escaped from the bread pudding?" He should then playfully +but firmly push the slice aside and trust to luck on the next. + +(2) A. must out of courtesy to his hostess accept thankfully whatever +she places before him. Any other course of conduct would be an +affront. It now however becomes his personal property and he can adopt +whichever of the following courses is most convenient-- + +(a) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot or in the gramophone. + +(b) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the +dog may get it. + +NOTE.--If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, "I +cannot understand how any animal can decline such delightful +bread-and-butter." He can then openly dispose of it in the grate or +the waste-paper-basket on the ground that the dog's nose has vitiated +its freshness. + + * * * * * + +LOVE'S LABOUR WELL LOST. + +[_Lines inspired by a dark lady, who remarked_, a propos _of a recent +disaster, that all fair girls were untrustworthy._] + + Phyllis hath a roving eye, + Palest blue--a candid feature + Which informs the passer-by + Phyllis is a flighty creature; + Golden locks and fair complexion + Also point in that direction. + + I, who had arranged to be + Joined to Phyllis by the vicar, + Now that she has jilted me + Scorn to seek relief in liquor. + Or the tears that folk are shedding + (Having missed a swagger wedding). + + He who stole my love away + Cannot hope for long survival, + And I pity him to-day + As I did a former rival + Who believed her single-hearted + When my own flirtation started. + + * * * * * + +The Journalistic Touch. + +I. + + "The Imperial yacht with the Tsar and Imperial Family on + board steamed through the British lines yesterday, afterwards + lunching on the British flagship."--_Bombay Chronicle._ + +II. + +Of the Rose Walk at Purley:-- + + "Then the material loveliness becomes the diaphanous veil + through which glint realities of which all phenomena are + expressions."--_Croydon Advertiser & Surrey County Reporter._ + +III. + + "His memory and his noble face, and reverend crown of snow, + will be a green spot, and indelibly written in our minds, + whilst life lasts."--_Methodist Recorder._ + + * * * * * + + "The work of restoring the church tower at Cheriton Bishop has + been completed, and Mr. Leach has been completed, and Mr. + W. Leach has entertained the men engaged on the work at + tea."--_Western Morning News._ + +And so everyone is satisfied. + + * * * * * + + "To-day two Greek documents (one of them dated 88 B.C., and + supposed to be the earliest document on parchment known) will + be sold."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Scholarly letter-writers before the Christian era were always careful +to put B.C. after the year. + + * * * * * + +THE YOUNG OF THE SEA-SERPENT. + +With the approach of the silly season one's thoughts turn naturally +to the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets +of authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. An +infinite variety of topics, our representative gathered yesterday, is +now on the eve of discussion, and the quill that cannot find something +to say on at least one of them had better return to its native goose +without delay. + +"Mother of Ten," we were informed by the courteous editor of _The +Halfpenny Bleater_, will as usual open that journal's discussion, and +this year her thoughts have turned to bathing fatalities. "Should +Land Crabs Learn Swimming" is the subject which she (or, to betray +an office secret, he) has selected. Due emphasis on the necessity for +university costume in the case of an affirmative reply to the question +will be laid by "Paterfamilias," who will contribute the second letter +of the series. + +_The Morning Dip_ will maintain its reputation for intellectuality +with a spiritual discussion on "Has Life a Double Meaning?" or +"Is Existence a Joke?"--the exact title has not yet been decided. +"Constant Reader" has already bought a penny packet of assorted +stationery and charged it to the office petty cash, and only a really +good murder can prevent the early appearance of his letter. As readers +will remember, correct spelling is a feature of this author's work. + +In pursuance of its settled policy _The Daily Giggle_ will appeal more +especially to the fair sex. There is more than a touch of pathos +in the signature "Orphan Boy," which will appear at the foot of his +letter on the subject, "Are First Cousins Kissable?" + +Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in +_The Daily Jingo_, where "Pro Bono Publico" will lay down his views on +"Our Softening Sinews." In his well-known style, which is so happy a +blend of public spirit and split infinitives, he will plead for less +indulgence in our dealings with the young. "We are," he says in his +peroration, which we were privileged to see, "raising up a soft breed, +and we shall live to bitterly rue it. The future of the race is, of +course, on the knees of the gods, but let us determine to also lay +it across the knee of parent and schoolmaster. So shall the rising +generation learn the merits of the strong right arm that has made +England what it is." + +In conjunction with _The Perfect Little Lady_, which will discuss "The +Highest Type of Man," the editor of _The Brain Pan_ will throw open +his columns to all those with views on "The Most Attractive Girl." For +the start he has secured the services of "Virile Englishman," who +will put aside her knitting to take up the pen in obedience to his +commands. _The Perfect Little Lady_'s first letter will be contributed +by "Sweet Seventeen," who has studied her subject by diligent +attendance at all the best boxing matches of the current year. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Anglo-Indian Child._ "WHAT'S THIS, DADDY?" + +_Father._ "THAT'S LIVER, MY DEAR." + +_Child._ "LIVER! WHOSE LIVER?" + +_Father._ "SHEEP'S LIVER." + +_Child._ "AH! I WONDER WHAT GAVE _IT_ LIVER!"] + + * * * * * + + "'I do not see why, I do not see why,' he repeated, rising up + and down."--_The Times._ + +We do not see how. + + * * * * * + +A New Way to Deal with the Cold. + + "Originally fitted with luxurious saloons and cabins for + tourists to Greenland and Spitzbergen, the Endurance is a + very different ship to-day. Her cabins are being turned into + store-rooms and officers and crew will sleep in odd corners, + for two years' provisions have to be curried."--_Evening + News._ + + * * * * * + + "The music of Borodin, the composer of 'Prince Igor,' is + little known in England, apart from the Polovtsienne Dances + which, owing to their wind and barbaric character, have + been so popular a feature of the performances of the Russian + Ballet."--_Musical Opinion._ + +Why drag in the wind? The strings were just as good as the wind when +we were there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD. + +_New Maid._ "VOILA, MA'M'SELLE." + +_Debutante._ "HEAVENS, MY GOOD GIRL, THAT WON'T DO. HERE, GIVE ME THE +THINGS. WHY, HALF-WAY ACROSS THE ROOM NO ONE WOULD SEE I WAS MADE UP +AT ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +FACT AND FABLE. + + For miles I'd tramped by down and hill; + With eve I found the happy ending; + All in the sunset, golden chill, + The collie met me, grave, befriending. + I saw the roof-tree down the vale, + Brave fields of harvest spread thereunder; + The collie waved a feathery tail + And led me to the House of Wonder. + + Houses, like people, so I've thought, + Bear character upon their faces, + Born of their company and wrought + Upon by inward gifts and graces: + Here, through the harvest's gold array + And evening's mellow _far niente_, + Looked kindliness and work-a-day, + And happy hours and peace and plenty. + + And, lo, it seemed the Downs amid + I'd found a folded bit of Britain, + Laid by in lavender and hid + The year--let's say--_Tom Jones_ was written; + An old farm manor-house it is + With fantails fluttering on the gables, + A place of men and memories + And solid facts and homespun fables. + + For Fact: a fortnight passed me by + Mid ancient oak and secret panel + And strawberries of late July + And distant glimpses of the Channel; + Fair morns to wake on--were they not?-- + Full of the pigeons' coo and cadence, + Each day a page of CALDECOTT, + All cream and flowers and pretty maidens. + + For Fable: as I smoked a pipe + And havered with a black-haired cowman, + Grey-eyed, in that fine Celtic type, + As much the poet as the ploughman-- + "Seems kind of lucky here," said I; + "The very ducklings look more downy + Than others do." He grinned: "An' why? + May happen, Sir, we feeds a brownie! + + "'There isn't many left,' says you; + As hearts grow hard the breed gets rarer; + Yet, when he goes, the luck goes too, + And prices fall and boards be barer; + But if so be you does your part + An' feeds him fair and treats folk proper, + Keepin' for all the kindly heart-- + The lucky Lad's a certain stopper!" + + *** + + Well, should you go by Butser way + And hit the god-sent path, and follow, + You'll find, at closing of the day, + The old house in the valley-hollow, + Laid by in lavender, forgot, + The home of peace and ancient plenty; + A brownie may be there or not-- + The hearts are kind enough for twenty! + + * * * * * + +Cause and Effect? + + "Of the five catalpa trees in the Embankment-gardens the + finest has been blighted. The tree is close to the National + Liberal Club."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OF THE DAWN?] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +[Illustration: Snapshots of certain Members who were _not_ on +their way to or from the Conference. Their expressions reflect the +pessimistic view which they entertained from the first as to its +chance of success in their absence. + +(Sir WILLIAM BYLES, Mr. HOGGE, Mr. KEIR HARDIE, Mr. JOHN WARD, Mr. +WILLIAM O'BRIEN, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.)] + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 20._--The T. R. Westminster is at +least equal to the old T. R. Drury Lane in capacity for producing +dramatic turns. When Members went off on Saturday for week-end holiday +the Ulster attitude was pretty generally understood. Ulster demanded +"a clean cut," with the alternative, phrased by CARSON, of "Come over +and fight us." The Cabinet after prolonged deliberation had resolved +to meet demand with firm _non possumus_: PREMIER was expected on +resumption of Sittings this afternoon to announce conclusion of +matter, adding such offer of concession on matter of detail as, whilst +providing golden bridge for Opposition, would avert revolt in his own +camp, where "conversations" with leaders of Opposition are regarded +with growing jealousy and suspicion. + +New stage in long-drawn-out controversy sufficient to create +profoundest interest in to-day's proceedings. It would surely be the +beginning of the end. What exactly the PREMIER would say about further +concession to Ulster, and how the overtures would be received on Front +Opposition Bench, were questions on which might hang the issue of +peace or war. + +PREMIER had a more startling message to deliver. From point of view +of dramatic effect it was a thousand pities his secret had been +prematurely disclosed. When he rose amid profound stillness of +crowded House everyone knew what he was going to say. In ordinary +circumstances his interposition at so critical a juncture would have +been hailed by resounding applause from the multiform sections that +contribute to making up of Ministerial majority. As matters turned +out, a frigid cheer greeted his appearance at the Table. To the +announcement that "in view of the grave situation the KING has thought +it right to summon representatives of Parties, both British and Irish, +to a Conference in Buckingham Palace, with the object of discussing +outstanding issues in relation to the problem of Irish government," he +had only one new thing to add. It was that the SPEAKER would preside +over the Conference. + +This was the only passage in the brief formal conversation, to which +LEADER OF OPPOSITION and LEADER OF IRISH NATIONALISTS contributed, +that elicited general cheer. A high tribute to occupant of the Chair. + +GINNELL saw his opportunity and seized it by the hair. He is one of +three leaders of the Irish Nationalists. Understood that his Party +consists of a single member, so shadowy that there are varied reports +as to his identity. Member for N.W. Meath leaped on to pinnacle of +enduring fame when the present Parliament met to elect a Speaker. +Before Mr. LOWTHER was qualified to take the Chair, and whilst as yet +no recognised authority existed, GINNELL, master of the situation, +delivered a long harangue. Proposed now to offer a few remarks "as an +independent Irish Nationalist." + +SPEAKER on point of order restricting him to putting a question, +he "begged to ask the PRIME MINISTER what precedent he had and +what authority to advise the KING to place himself at the head of a +conspiracy to defeat the decision of this House?" + +"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table," +said the SPEAKER. + +The observation did not appear relevant. It met the occasion. It +brought up LEVERTON HARRIS, newly elected for East Worcestershire, who +found his welcome the warmer by reason of the fact that he had been a +passive instrument in avoiding what might under less adroit management +have developed into a disorderly scene. + +_Business done._--PREMIER announces Conference upon Ulster question to +meet at Buckingham Palace on the invitation of HIS MAJESTY. + +_Tuesday._--Dull sitting closed in lively conversation arising on +motion for adjournment. RUPERT GWYNNE, jealous for due observance of +traditions of House, has noticed with concern the departure for Canada +for indefinite period of Member for East St. Pancras. At Question +time asked CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER whether Mr. MARTIN had applied for +Chiltern Hundreds. Answered in the negative, he put a further question +to PREMIER, directing his attention to Act of 6 HENRY VIII. c. 16, +ordering that no Member of Parliament shall absent himself from +attendance except he have licence of Mr. SPEAKER. This upon pain of +having his wages docked. PREMIER brushed him aside with one of his +brief answers. + +GWYNNE not the man to be shouldered off the path of duty when it +lies straight before him. Here was a Member in receipt of L400 a year +leaving the place of business where it was assumed to be earned, not +even taking the trouble to follow example of the clerk who, left +in sole charge of his master's office, wrote in legible hand, "Back +D'reckly," affixed notice to front door and went forth to enjoyment of +prolonged meal. + +Since he could get no satisfaction at Question time he kept Members +in, after hour of adjournment, in order to debate subject. + +Unfortunately it turned out that he was not exactly the man to +have undertaken the job. Amid laughter and hilarious cheering HOME +SECRETARY pointed out that here was a case of Satan reproving sin. +Reference to the records showed that during the time payment of +Members has been in vogue, of 687 divisions GWYNNE was absent from +424. (GWYNNE later corrected these figures.) During that time he had +drawn from the Exchequer salary amounting to L1,000. + +"On his own principle, that payment should be in proportion to +attendance, the hon. Member," said the HOME SECRETARY, "is entitled +to only L400. Being so conscientious no doubt he will repay to the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER the balance of L600." + +HELMSLEY, gallantly coming to assistance of friend in dire straits, +himself fell into the bog. It appeared that of 1056 divisions taken in +two Sessions he had been absent from 602. Here was another unexpected +little windfall for the Exchequer. + +At this stage it was found expedient to drop the subject; adjournment +not further resisted. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill dealt with on Report stage. + +_Thursday._--With that austerity that since Stuart times has marked +relations of House of Commons with royalty Mr. HOGGE is known at +Westminster simply as the Member for East Edinburgh, a position he +with characteristic modesty accepts. But blood, especially royal +blood, like murder, will out. Lineal descendant of one of the oldest +dynasties in the world's history, Mr. HOGGE cannot be expected always +and altogether to be free from ancestral influence. Something of the +hauteur of 'OGGE, King of Bashan (or, as some records have it, OG) +is discerned in his attitude and manner when, throned on corner seat +below Gangway, he occasionally deigns to direct the PRIME MINISTER in +the way he should go. + +Such opportunity presented itself in connection with meeting of +Conference which through the Parliamentary week has centred upon +Buckingham Palace the attention of mankind. With respect to palaces +Mr. HOGGE is by family association an expert. + +"Why Rookery?" _Miss Betsey Trotwood_ sharply asked _David +Copperfield_ when he casually mentioned his mother's postal address. + +"Why Buckingham Palace?" asked Mr. HOGGE, bending severe glance on +Treasury Bench whence the PREMIER had judiciously fled. + +St. Stephen's, which houses the Member for East Edinburgh, is also a +royal palace. Why then was not the Conference held within its walls, +instead of under the roof of what he loftily alluded to as "the +domestic Palace"? + +This and much more, with covert references to machinations of the two +Front Benches, Mr. HOGGE wanted to know. + +The PRIME MINISTER, uneasily conscious of the coming storm, had, +as mentioned, discreetly disappeared. As an offering to righteous +indignation he left behind him on the Treasury Bench the body of +ATTORNEY-GENERAL. That astute statesman avoided difficulty and +personal disaster by meekly undertaking to lay before the PRIME +MINISTER the views so eloquently and pointedly set forth by the hon. +Member. + +Mr. HOGGE graciously assented to this course, and what at the outset +looked like threatening incident terminated. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Third Reading without a division. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waiter._ "WHAT SAUCE WILL YOU TAKE WIZ YOUR FISH, +SAIR?" + +_Polite Customer._ "WELL, WHAT DISINFECTANTS HAVE YOU?"] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Hogge: Can the Prime Minister say whether any of those + taking part in the Conference attached any conditions to their + entering the Conference? + + 'I cannot sty,' replied the Premier."--_Evening News._ + +Was this quite worthy of the PRIME MINISTER? We ourselves do not care +for these personal jokes on people's names. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Asquith's statement was thus of sensational interest, + because it represented the last effort at the eleventh minute + of the eleventh hour to avert Civil War."--_Dublin Evening + Mail._ + +No need to hurry. There are still forty-nine minutes left. + + * * * * * + +The Finances of Cricket. + + "Cumberland batted first and reached the total of L272, C. A. + Hardcastle (87), R. B. Brown (41), and R. C. Saint (27) being + the chief contributors."--_Daily News and Leader._ + + * * * * * + +Suggested mottoes for the L.C.C.:-- + + "PROGRESS MODERATELY." + + "TRAM UP A CHILD." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR DEVELOPING A "WHITE HOPE" AMONGST OUR +'BUS- AND TAXI-DRIVERS.] + + * * * * * + +THE MISSIONARY. + + Where Oriental calm derides + Our Occidental stress + And Ninety-seven E. collides + With Five-and-twenty S., + + You'll find a product of the West, + A Bachelor of Arts, + Who blends a mind of youthful zest + With patriarchal parts. + + Each morning mid his rubber trees + He rides an ancient hack, + A cassock girt above his knees, + A topee tilted back. + + Now reining in his steed to preach + A parable on sap, + Now vaulting from his seat to teach + The proper way to tap. + + His swart disciples knit their brows + O'er algebraic signs; + They build their byres, they milk their cows + On scientific lines. + + They use his microscope and gaze + On strange bacterial risks; + They tuns their daily hymns of praise + To gramophonic discs. + + And every evening after grace, + When converts clear the cloth, + He pins an orchid to its place + Or camphorates a moth. + + Out of the world his path may run, + Yet still in worldly wise + He'll talk of feats with rod or gun, + A twinkle in his eyes, + + And tell of tiger-stalking nights, + Of mornings with the snipe, + With never a pause save when he lights + An antiquated pipe. + + We others earn our pensioned ease, + The furlough of our kind; + We book our berths, we cross the seas, + But he shall stay behind, + + Plodding his round of feast and fast, + Dreaming the dreams of yore, + Of England as he saw her last + In 1884. + + J. M. S. + + * * * * * + +More Impending Apologies. + +I. + + "GREAT GALA NIGHT + WHEN + JOSEPHINE DAVIS + WILL BID 'AU REVOIR' TO BOMBAY + BY SPECIAL REQUEST." + + _Bombay Chronicle._ + +II. + + "At the hour of six the Rev. S. F. Collier gave out the only + possible hymn-- + + 'And are we yet alive + And see each other's face!'" + + _Yorkshire Post._ + + * * * * * + +THE GESTICULATORS. + +The supper-room was so full that I quite expected to find that, since +I was so late, the harassed head-waiter had taken the liberty of +presuming my death and letting someone else have my table; but there +it was, empty and ready for me. I sank into a chair with a feeling +of relief and, having ordered something to eat, began to examine the +room. There was not a spare place; everyone was eating and talking and +unusual excitement was in the air. From my remote corner I could not +catch any words, but the odd thing was that at every table one at +least of the men, who were all in evening-dress, was waving his arms. +Now and then a man would stand up to do this better. It was as though +they were all deaf and dumb, or cinema actors. + +The next day at lunch I had a similar experience. I patronized another +restaurant, which seemed to be equally popular, and again every man +was gesticulating in a style totally foreign to the staid apathetic +Londoner. What could it mean? What was the reason? + +I asked the waiter. He laughed. "Ah," he said, "I have notice it too. +It is funny, is it not? Zey all show each other how CARPENTIER won on +ze foul." + + * * * * * + +AN ERROR IN ARCADY. + +People who know us both have often expressed a doubt as to whether +Charles or myself is the more absent-minded and unobservant. I wish to +set the matter at rest once and for all. + +We were discussing William's wedding, which had just taken place, +romantically enough, in the very heart of Herts--one of those quaint +little villages where no sound seems to disturb the silence of the +long summer day but the gentle bleating of horn to horn and the murmur +of innumerable tyres. Both of us had been there, and Charles came +round to talk to me about it a few evenings afterwards. + +"I do hope the poor dear fellow will be happy," he said, lighting his +fifth match and pulling away vigorously at an ugly-looking briar. + +"It really goes much better with tobacco in it," I said, passing him +my pouch. "Why on earth shouldn't William be happy? It seemed a very +pretty wedding. Did you notice how the rays of the sun coming through +the window lit up the best man's boots?" + +"I daresay, I daresay," he replied. "As a matter of fact I couldn't +see the church part of it very well: I came late and was behind a +pillar at the back." + +"Well, it all went beautifully," I told him. "Everybody stood up and +sat down in the wrong places as usual, and the friends of the bride +looked with extreme _hauteur_ at the friends of the bridegroom, and +_vice versa_. I suppose you went to the reception afterwards. I never +saw you at all except for a moment on the platform going back. You +must have shaken hands with the happy pair and examined the presents?" + +"I went to the house," said Charles. "I went in a motor-car on a seat +that took two men to hold down, and that hit me hard when I tried to +stand up. I caught a glimpse of William, but I couldn't find the room +where the presents were set out, so I went through almost at once +into the garden, where the feasting was going on. Do tell me about the +gifts. Was my little pepper-castor hung on the line?" + +"I didn't notice that," I said, "but my butter-dish was doing itself +proud. It had sneaked up to a magnificent toast-rack with stabling +accommodation for about eight pieces, given by somebody with a title. +And you ought to have seen the fish-slices. The fish-slices wore +gorgeous. I expect William will spend a great part of his married +life in slicing fish. It will be a great change from golf-balls. But I +think you really ought to have said a few hearty and well-chosen words +to the young people." + +"That's just it," replied Charles in a mournful voice. "I did. I +talked to the bride." + +"Hang it, so did I!" I exclaimed rather indignantly. "Directly I got +in I went up to William and her and said to her, 'How glad you must be +it's all over!' and then quite suddenly it struck me that that wasn't +really the best thing to say in the circumstances, so I blushed and +trod on William's toe and passed on. What did you do in the garden?" + +"Well, I wandered about on the lawn where there were lots and lots of +people," said Charles. "I didn't seem to meet anyone I knew, but the +flower-beds were most beautifully kept. I have seldom seen such a +display of cress sandwiches and champagne. After a bit I strolled down +through the shrubberies, went through a little wooden gate and found +myself amongst the raspberry canes. About a quarter of an hour later, +after a little fruity refreshment, whom should I meet walking along a +quiet shady path but the bride herself, all alone." + +"Stealing away to get one last raspberry at the dear old home," I +said. "How romantic! What did you do? Hide?" + +"No," answered Charles bitterly. "I only wish I had. I felt that now +or never was the time. I went straight up to her, and, feeling that +to talk about the weather or the theatres on such an occasion would be +rather footling, in spite of the fact that we'd never been introduced, +I plunged straight into it. 'You've never seen me before in your +life,' I said earnestly, 'because you haven't got eyes in the back of +your head, and I've never seen you because I can't look through stone. +What's more, I'm only a little silver pepper-castor, an insignificant +item in your cruet. But I must tell you how delighted I am to have a +chance of speaking to you.'" + +"What did she say to that?" I asked. + +"Well, you'd never believe it, but the girl looked quite nervous and +frightened, and positively began to walk away from me. I supposed I'd +begun on the wrong tack, so I hurried after her and started again. +'Marriage is a state full of the most serious responsibilities,' I +said, 'but one glance at you shows me that you are fully competent to +shoulder them all.'" + +"That sounds as if you thought she looked a trifle statuesque," I +said. "Did she seem annoyed?" + +"Worse," replied Charles. "She hurried on again without speaking a +word. 'Stop,' I cried, 'stop! I am a friend of the fairy prince;' and +just then we came out on to a piece of lawn, and she gave a little +shriek and actually ran away, leaving me standing where I was. I was +so ashamed and exhausted that I slunk back through the little gate and +had some more raspberries. When I had partially recovered I returned +to the upper part of the garden again, had two cups of tea in the big +tent, and made my way back to the station, where I saw you. If you +hadn't got into another carriage I should have told you about it at +the time." + +"Then you never saw them going away at all?" I said. + +"No," replied Charles; "did you?" + +"Did I not?" said I. "You wouldn't believe the amount of rice I +started their married life with. About two milk puddings' worth, I +should say. And so you are not quite satisfied with William's choice?" + +"Well, she seems to me to be rather an unresponsive and timid sort +of person," said Charles. "Not tactful, nor likely to make what the +newspapers call a charming hostess. I should have liked dear William +to marry someone who would be a social success." + +I smoked for some time in silence, and then I had an idea. + +"How was the bride dressed when you saw her, Charles?" I asked. + +"Do I know how women are dressed? She was in white, of course, and +hadn't a hat on." + +"But she had a train and a veil, I suppose. She hadn't a short skirt +by any chance?" + +"Goodness, how do I know?" he replied. "I didn't notice all that. Why +do you ask?" + +"Well, you only saw her once, you see," I said, "and you went through +that little gate at the bottom of the garden, didn't you?" + +"I did," said Charles. "What's that got to do with it?" + +"Nothing, nothing. Only I know that there were some people playing +tennis at the next house, and very likely the two gardens are +connected, and I'm wondering whether that girl----" + +"Good heavens," said Charles.... "You haven't got such a thing as a +hairpin about you, have you? This pipe's stopped up." + + * * * * * + + "The Nambudiri school is progressing with the French motto of + 'Festina lente!'"--_The Malabar Herald._ + +More progress might be made with the old Latin tag, "_Trop de zele._" + + * * * * * + + "'As long as I can play as good a game of golf as I did to-day + I will never get any cider,' was Mr. Rockefeller's reply to + one of the friends who called to congratulate him."--_New York + Sun._ + +He may, however, get older, even then. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIETY NOTES. + +WE ARE SORRY TO HEAR THAT, THROUGH THE INCONSIDERATE ACTION OF THE +ANTIQUATED PEOPLE WHO STILL TAKE DOGS TO THE PARK, THE PET RAT OF +LADY PIPER HAD A NARROW ESCAPE FROM WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SERIOUS +ACCIDENT.] + + * * * * * + +THE FOILING OF "THE BLARE." + +(_Suggested to a slightly Hibernian brain by the recent ebullition of +generosity on the part of the popular press, which insures its readers +against holiday accidents whilst boating and bathing._) + + When I bolt from this city of vapour + To bite the salubrious breeze, + Do you know why I gambol and caper + And plunge with a shout in the seas + Twice the lad that I was + For a lark? It's because + I subscribe to that bountiful paper, + _The Blare_, if you please. + + For I know that if currents are shifty, + If cramp should arrive unaware, + I shall die, but my end will be thrifty, + And my host (being also my heir) + Will be amply consoled + By the thought of the gold + (Which amounts to two hundred and fifty) + He'll get from _The Blare_. + + "Pray take from your forehead those creases," + I cry to my friend on the yacht, + "I admit that the mainsail's in pieces + And most of the sheets in a knot; + But remember that if + We go _ponk_ on that cliff + It's _The Blare_ will be paying your nieces + A nice little pot." + + But whatever may crash into cruisers + Or wherries when I am afloat, + When the waves have destroyed me like bruisers, + I call on my country to note, + If _The Blare_ should pretend, + When I've passed to my end, + I was one of its constant perusers, + It lies in its throat. + + To my tenantless rooms in the City + The rags have been sent, and it's there + That I'll burn them unopened and gritty + Or, if (and it's little I care) + I am whelmed in the wave, + I shall laugh from my grave + At the blow that I've dealt the banditti + Who publish _The Blare_. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "With one accord they all say, 'Welcome to Ireland!' 'No + more delightful place,' says Mr. Birrell; 'A kindly welcome + everywhere,' says Mr. Devlin; 'The most peaceful place in the + world,' says Mr. Redmond."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Mr. REDMOND has overlooked the Balkans. + + * * * * * + +ALL LIARS' DAY. + +"So it's ----'s birthday to-day," said Fortescue (naming a very +well-known politician) as he looked up from his newspaper. "You'll +call and wish him many happy returns, of course, Ferguson?" + +We who travel up together each morning by this train are pretty well +agreed about ----. + +"Don't mention that man to me!" cried Ferguson. "He's absolutely the +biggest liar on earth. I can't imagine how he faces the world as he +does after having been exposed so many times. You'd think he would +want to crawl away into a hole somewhere. He can't have the least +sense of shame." + +"Pardon me," interrupted the burly stranger seated in the corner. +"Pardon me; there is reason why he should. It is not _his_ fault if +he is addicted to inexactitude. He was predestined to it. It is the +irresistible influence of the day on which he was born. Every man born +on this day must inevitably grow up to be a liar; it is his fate, from +which there can be no escape." + +"Oh, come!" protested Ferguson. "That sounds rather far-fetched, you +know, for these days." + +"My dear Sir," retorted the other, brushing up his moustache +aggressively and glaring at Ferguson, "I happen to be President of the +Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon Character, +so I presume I may claim to know what I am talking about." + +So truculent was his demeanour that nobody ventured to speak. + +"My Society," he continued after a pause, "has conducted its +researches over a period of many years. I am going to give you just +a few examples out of thousands we have collected. Let us take a +significant date, February 29th. A man born on that day is a coward. +It is inevitable. Pusillanimity is born in him and can never be +eradicated. + +"We had before us a month or two ago the case of a gentleman living +in a country town--a quiet, shy, studious recluse--born on this fatal +day. By some mischance he happened to pick up a journal in which was +an article on the Government by Mr. ARNOLD WHITE. He read it. He was +so terrified that he expired from heart failure. That sounds to you +incredible, but real life is often incredible. That is one of the +discoveries of our Society. + +"I will give you a more remarkable instance still. A well-to-do +gentleman with the same birthday, whose case we have recorded in +our journals, is now, though perfectly healthy, bed-ridden under the +following amazing circumstances. He accidentally discovered that his +tailor, who had clothed him since boyhood, was an anarchist. After +this he was afraid to have any further dealings with the man, while, +on the other hand, he lacked sufficient courage to face the ordeal +of being fitted by a fresh tailor. For some time he used to sit up at +night and secretly sew patches into his trousers. Naturally this could +not go on for ever, and at last, when his garments were dropping to +pieces, he had to take to his bed.... You smile, Sir. Perhaps you +think I am exaggerating?" + +His eyes flashed and his voice vibrated with such anger that I jumped +six inches out of my seat. + +"Not at all--not at all," I stammered. "Only it occurred to +me--er--that he might have--er--b-bought them ready-made." + +"Your knowledge of human nature must be singularly slight," replied +the other icily, "if you imagine that a man without sufficient courage +to be fitted by a tailor would be brave enough to wear ready-made +clothes." + +"It seems to me, Sir," said Dean, coming to the rescue, "that your two +instances prove little, if anything. They may be mere coincidence." + +The stranger leaned forward, frowned heavily and wagged his forefinger +at Dean, who wilted visibly. + +"The Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon +Character," he said, "does not seek to build up a theory upon +isolated and arbitrarily selected examples. We deal with the subject +scientifically. To continue with this date, February 29th. After +several cases similar to those I have recounted had come to our +notice, we made out a list of two hundred and fifty men born on +this day. To each of them we sent a representative to ask for a +subscription to the Society. Though they had never heard of it before, +_every one of those two hundred and fifty was easily intimidated into +subscribing._ + +"Now let us consider another date--March 3rd. Several striking +instances had led us to suspect that a person born on March 3rd comes +into the world with an ineradicable passion for gambling. I will give +you just one of these. A gentleman one day imagined he was seriously +ill and called in a doctor. The latter laughed at his fears and +offered to bet him that he would live to be seventy. The temptation +was too great. The gambler closed with the offer, and on the eve of +his seventieth birthday drowned himself." + +At this point Empson sniggered audibly. The speaker turned his head +and fixed his terrifying glance upon the delinquent. Poor Empson grew +very red, and endeavoured to cover his lapse by coughing noisily. The +other waited patiently till he had finished. + +"Perhaps you wish to say something, Sir," he remarked coldly. + +"N-no," said Empson. "Most interesting." + +The President made a gesture which indicated that Empson was beneath +contempt and renewed his discourse. + +"Continuing the same method of research," he said, "we compiled a list +of nearly four hundred persons born on March 3rd. To each of these we +sent particulars of a Derby Sweepstake. _Every one of them, gentlemen, +applied for a ticket by return of post._" + +There was an impressive pause. The President looked round the carriage +defiantly as if challenging suspicion. + +"One of our tests with regard to to-day's date--liars' day," he +continued presently, "was rather amusing. We hired a room in the City +for a week and sent out over three hundred letters to persons born +on that day. Our notepaper was headed, 'Short, Stay and Hoppett, +Solicitors,' and the letters were in identical terms. They said that +we had been endeavouring for some time to trace the relatives of one +Davy Jones, who, after acquiring a large fortune in Australia, had +died intestate, and we had that morning been given to understand that +the gentleman with whom we wore corresponding was a nephew of the +deceased, etc., etc. You guess what happened. _Every one of them +without exception claimed as his uncle this millionaire who never +existed._" + +The train began to slow down, and the President rose to his feet. + +"I get out here," he said. "I'm sorry. I should like to have +discussed the subject further. You, Sir"--he pointed threateningly at +Ferguson--"will doubtless in future refrain from blaming Mr. ---- for +a failing for which, as you see, he is in no way responsible." + +Ferguson quaked and said nothing. + +The President brushed up his moustache still higher and looked round +in triumph. All of us were completely cowed--all of us, except little +Windsor. + +"Just a moment, Sir," said the latter gently. "Before you leave us +will you kindly accept this?" + +He took out his tie-pin and laid it in the other's hand. + +For the first time the burly one's confidence deserted him. He +reddened slightly and looked embarrassed. + +"It's very kind of you," he said, "but really I--I don't quite +understand." + +"It's a birthday present for you," said Windsor sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Humorous Artist._ "I'VE BROUGHT YOU AN ORIGINAL FUNNY +JOKE THIS TIME. A FRIEND OF MINE THOUGHT OF IT." + +_Editor_ (after reading it). "YES, IT _IS_ FUNNY; BUT I PREFER THE +DRAWING THAT WAS PUBLISHED WITH IT IN THE 'SEVENTIES!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Three numbers of _The South Polar Times_ were brought out at Cape +Evans, the winter quarters of Captain SCOTT, during 1911. Mr. APSLEY +CHERRY-GARRARD, the editor, has now presented them to a wider circle +under the auspices of SMITH, ELDER, hoping that they will prove "a +source of interest and pleasure to the friends of the expedition." He +need have no fears. Of course a paper produced under such conditions +is in its nature esoteric, and many of its jokes are lost if you +"don't know Jimson." But if you have previously read _Scott's Last +Expedition_ then you _will_ "know Jimson"; you will feel that every +man at Cape Evans in 1911 was a personal friend of yours, and you +will be delighted with this facsimile reproduction of the paper which +delighted them. Personally I cannot read or see too much of the men +who are my heroes; and in a world where an ordinary school-girl is +allowed twenty-seven photographs of Mr. LEWIS WALLER I shall not +consider myself surfeited with two caricatures and a humorous +character-sketch of Lieutenant BOWERS. But there are contributions to +_The South Polar Times_ which have an interest other than the merely +personal. Mr. GRIFFITH TAYLOR, a tower of strength on the literary +side, is really funny in _The Bipes_--a paper (on the wingless bipeds +of Cape Evans) supposed to have been read by OATES' escaped rabbit to +the Royal Society of Rabbits. Mr. TAYLOR, as a recorder of history in +_Scott's Last Expedition_, was, I thought, a little too familiar; in +these and other articles he is much more at home. But it is upon +Dr. WILSON's pictures (both serious and comic) that _The South Polar +Times_ can most justly pride itself. I envy Mr. CHERRY-GARRARD so +prolific and brilliant a contributor. Still more I envy him (and all +his colleagues at Cape Evans) the knowledge of such a man. The more I +get to know of "BILL" WILSON, the more I understand that he was of +the very salt of the earth--a man to love whom was indeed a liberal +education, and to be loved by whom was a passport to the little +company of the elect. + + *** + +When _John Barleycorn_ (MILLS AND BOON) came my way, I noticed that +the publishers had shown a reticence, unusual in these days, on the +outside paper cover; they didn't say a word as to the quality or +character of the contents. They had three good reasons: first, given +the name of JACK LONDON, there was no need of further advertisement or +lure; second, if they had started describing the book they would have +been unable to say with strict truth that it was or was not a novel, +for it isn't and it is; third, and best, they couldn't, as honest men, +have avoided mentioning that it is in a way a sermon on alcoholism, +and that, being said, might have acted as a deterrent, unless they +had explained (as they wouldn't have had room to do) how and why, when +they said "sermon," they didn't really mean "sermon." So they lay low +and said nothing, and I almost wish I had done the same, for no one +who has the lightest interest, practical or theoretical, in John +Barleycorn ought to be put off these alcoholic memoirs. The diarist +purports to have been first drunk at the age of five, again at the +age of seven, almost perpetually for a spell of years from the age of +fifteen, and yet to have taken over a quarter of a century to acquire +a liking for alcohol. That sounds odd, but is not unique. Not only +in California and not only in the lower grades of society, is +Youth, vigorous and unspoilt, bound to acquire the taste if it would +foregather on lively and intimate terms with its fellows; and not only +in the saloons of the Oakland water-front are fine youngsters drinking +themselves permanently silly because it is their only way of being men +among men, jolly good fellows among jolly good fellows. A sound enough +text for any sermon; and, I may honestly add, a sound enough sermon +for any text, with a strong smell of the sea and of adventure about +it. But I ask myself for what purpose the photograph of Mr. and Mrs. +JACK LONDON is inserted as a frontispiece? As well, I think, have had +a portrait of Mr. MILLS, with Mr. BOON inset. + + *** + +Isn't _The Youngest World_ (BELL) an engaging title for a book? It +caught my interest at once. I am not altogether sure that the story +itself is as good as its name, but that still leaves a margin of +quality, and I for one have enjoyed it greatly--in patches. Let Mr. +ROBERT DUNN not too hastily condemn me if I say that he has written +a fatiguing tale. Partly I mean this as a high compliment. The +descriptions of hardships borne and physical difficulties overcome by +his hero are so vivid that they convey a sensation of actual bodily +strain in a manner that only one other living writer can equal. There +are chapters in the book that leave one aching all over. So long, +in fact, as Mr. DUNN's characters are content to do things, to climb +mountains, to ford rivers, to endure hunger and cold and weariness, I +am in close bodily sympathy with them; it is when they begin to talk +and to explain their mental states that my keenness is threatened by +another and less pleasing fatigue. It is not that the scope of the +story--a man's regeneration by love and hardship--isn't a good one: +quite the contrary. It is that I simply do not believe that human +beings, especially those that figure in this book, would ever talk +about themselves in this particular way. "In the name of our own +blood," she uttered softly, "of Love, the Future, and Victory...." +That is a random sentence from the last page, and very typical of Mr. +DUNN's dialogue. It is full of gracious qualities, thoughtful, and +throughout on a high literary level, but as a realistic transcription +of frontier talk it leaves me incredulous. Still the setting, I +repeat, is quite wonderful. You shall read the chapters that tell +of _Gail's_ ascent of Mount Lincoln, and see if they don't stir your +blood, especially where he reaches the top, alone (and therefore +unable to talk), and sees the world at his feet. You will exult in +this. + + *** + +Mr. VICTOR BRIDGES has a very versatile pen and in most of the +twenty-one pieces of _Jetsam_ (MILLS AND BOON) which he has recovered +from the waves of monthly magazines and elsewhere there is a certain +amount of material for mirth. I do not however find him a startlingly +original humorist, whether on the river Thames, where he seems to +follow in the wake of Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, or in a Chelsea "pub," +where his manners are reminiscent of the characters of Messrs. W. +W. JACOBS and MORTON HOWARD. Again, in the story called "The First +Marathon" (where, by the way, he states that "It is true that the word +'Marathon' was first used in connection with the old Olympian games," +which seems a little unfair to MILTIADES), the fun mainly depends +on the use of such phrases as "Spoo-fer," "King Kod," and the +"Can't-stik-you-shun-all Club." Other stories are of the adventurous +or romantic type sacred to serial fiction, no fewer than three dealing +with escaped convicts on Dartmoor, and one (the first in the book) +describing the chance meeting of a man and a pretty girl on an +uninhabited island off the West Coast of Scotland. Here, for some +reason or other, the man insisted on calling his charming and unknown +companion _Astarte_, a name which, if I had been in her place, I +should have been inclined to resent. But Mr. BRIDGES' dialogue +is nearly always bright, and his knowledge of the machinery of +yarn-spinning excellent. There is just one other point however which +I should like to mention. The book includes a brand-new Russian +wolf-story, in which the heroes protect themselves from the bites of +these ferocious quadrupeds by putting on armour, which they find in +a deserted house. I don't object to that; but, when they leave the +railway line along which they have been travelling and plunge into a +forest-path they come to a place where the route forks and cannot make +out which of the two roads will be more likely to lead them back to +the railway. I do not feel that these men were the sort of people to +be trusted to wander by themselves in a desolate Siberian anecdote. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CADDIE WHO SAW THE FAIRIES.] + + * * * * * + +Our New Masters. + + _The KING can do no wrong._ Of late + So ran the law; but, when to-day + Kinglike he seeks to serve the State, + Our super-monarchs frown and say: + _The KING can do no right--unless + By leave of half the Liberal Press._ + + * * * * * + +The Light-weight Angler. + + "Weighing 6 lbs. 7 oz., Mr. T. Snelgrove caught a golden + carp whilst fishing in the mill pond at Addlestone, + Surrey."--_People._ + + * * * * * + + "He has slept ... nearly 365 days on board the Admiralty + yacht." + +This, from a _Daily Mail_ article in praise of WINSTON, is no doubt +meant kindly. + + * * * * * + + "C. E. Cox begs to announce that he is now prepared to drill + wells, for water, gas, oil, cash or old clothes."_Red Deer + Advocate._ + +For cash is our choice. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +In "The Young of the Sea-Serpent" (page 109), the original text read, +"So shall the rising generation learn the merits of the strong right +arm that has make England what it is." + +In "An Error in Arcady" (page 116), the circumflex in "vice versa" has +been retained from the original, but "shrubberries" has been replaced +with "shrubberies". + +In "The Light-weight Angler" (page 120), "Addlestont" has been changed +to "Addlestone". + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, July 29, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 25860.txt or 25860.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/8/6/25860/ + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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