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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/25860-8.txt b/25860-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cec5dc --- /dev/null +++ b/25860-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2266 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +July 29, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 29, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 20, 2008 [EBook #25860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 147. + + + +July 29th, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Signor ULVI, the inventor +of "F" rays. He is said to have eloped from Florence with an Admiral's +daughter. This was not discovered until Signor ULVI had got well away, +and his claim to be able to cause explosions at a distance would now +seem to be established. + + *** + +General HUERTA is said to have taken with him on his flight securities +to the amount of £1,200,000. Even so it is typical of the grasping +nature of the man that he complained of having to leave Mexico City +behind. + + *** + +A storm of indignation has been raised in Berlin by an order +(instigated, it is said, in a very high quarter) that all _cafés_ must +close at 2 A.M. A petition is being circulated which points out that +this order will kill Berlin's tourist traffic, "as the night life of +the city is the only attraction for visitors." This implication that a +certain exalted personage is not among the local attractions seems to +us to amount almost to _lèse-majesté_. + + *** + +When Lieutenant PORTE's water-plane, "The America," refused to rise, +he should have tried changing its name to "The South America." + + *** + +The Buckinghamshire Territorials, under their new commandant, Colonel +WETHERED, are going in for chorus-singing practice. This is a good +idea. Sung badly enough, these choruses should prove a valuable weapon +against a musical foe, such as the Germans. + + *** + +Owing to an outbreak of mumps at Harrow School the summer term has +had to close some days earlier than usual. It is characteristic of +the generous nature of the Harrow boys that, in spite of this annoying +interruption of their studies, there has been very little open +expression of resentment against those who introduced the ailment. + + *** + +Coventry's annual Lady Godiva procession took place last week, and was +a success. It is feared, however, that with the advance of fashion +the principal character--who on this occasion was attired in pink +fleshings draped with white chiffon--will be voted overdressed and so +fail to attract. + + *** + +"To be well booted," says _The Times_, "is to feel well dressed, at +the top of one's power and joy." A small boy, however, who was well +booted by a larger boy the other day admits that he received a +good dressing, but holds that, apart from this, _The Times_ was +misinformed. + + *** + +The announcement that in the course of excavations on the site of the +old General Post Office in St. Martin's-le-Grand, some old Roman tile +stamps have been discovered, has caused, we hear, a profound sensation +in philatelic circles. + + *** + +Exceptionally rough weather is reported from the Bay of Biscay, and +it is said that on a certain passenger vessel even the valet of a +well-known nobleman was ill, _although he was an old retainer._ + + *** + +"Fishing with rod and line from a boat in the Downs at Deal," says +_The Daily Mail_, "Lord HERSCHELL and a friend caught 600 fish on +Sunday. The fish, mostly pouting, were hauled in three and four at a +time." We suspect they were pouting to show their annoyance at having +their Sabbath rest disturbed. + + *** + +It is proposed in an L.C.C. report that barges should be used as +open-air schools on the river. Schools of language, presumably. + + *** + +We are asked to deny that the fire which broke out at the bookstall +at the Hampstead station of the North London Railway last week was +produced spontaneously by a copy of one of MISS VICTORIA CROSS's +novels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bather._ "I SAY! I SAY! THE CURRENT IS FRIGHTFULLY +STRONG; I'M BEING CARRIED OUT." + +_Bathing Attendant._ "ALL RIGHT, SIR, ALL RIGHT! I'VE GOT ME EYE ON +YER!"] + + * * * * * + +THE USES OF OCEAN. + +(_Lines written in an irresponsible holiday mood._) + + To people who allege that we + Incline to overrate the Sea, + I answer, "We do not; + Apart from being coloured blue, + It has its uses not a few-- + I cannot think what we should do + If ever 'the deep did rot.'" + + Take ships, for instance. You will note + That, lacking stuff on which to float, + They could not get about; + Dreadnought and liner, smack and yawl, + And other types that you'll recall-- + They simply could not sail at all + If Ocean once gave out. + + And see the trouble which it saves + To islands; but for all those waves + That made us what we are-- + But for their help so kindly lent, + Teutons could march right through to Kent + And never need to circumvent + A single British tar. + + Take fish, again. I have in mind + No better field that they could find + For exercise and sport; + How would the whale, I want to know, + The blubbery whale contrive to blow; + Where would your playful kipper go + If the supply ran short? + + And hence we rank the Ocean high; + But there are privy reasons why + Its praise is on my lip: + I deem it, when my heart is set + On walking into something wet, + The nicest medium I have met + In which to take a dip. + + Ah, speed the hour already fixed + When, mid the bathers (freely mixed), + In a polite costume + I mean to plunge beneath the spray + And, washing from a soul at play + The City's stain--three times a day-- + Restore its vernal bloom. + + Rocked like a babe upon the brine + It is my dream to float supine + And to the vast inane + Banish awhile from off my chest + The cares that hold it now obsessed, + And even take a clean-cut rest + From Ulster-on-the-brain. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +The Best Holiday Insurance. + +_Mr. Punch_ ventures to hint to the gentlest among his readers that, +while there are excellent methods of insuring against the disturbance +of their holidays by accident or bad weather, the best way for them to +insure happiness is to offer a share of it to those who cannot afford +a holiday of their own. The very easy sum of TEN SHILLINGS means a +Fortnight among green fields or by the sea for one poor child, if +the gift is sent--and now is the moment--to the Earl of ARRAN, Hon. +Treasurer of the Children's Country Holiday Fund, 18, Buckingham +Street, Strand, W.C. + + * * * * * + +THE CRISIS. + + ["Lord Macaulay's prose seems to be finding favour again." + _Oshkosh Sentinel._] + +The place, too, was well fitted for such a gathering. Memories of +departed monarchs spoke from the rich hangings of the room in tones +that were not less eloquent for being silent. Here the FIRST GENTLEMAN +OF EUROPE had displayed the rounded symmetry of those calves which +had defied the serried legions of the French and, in their lighter +moments, had captured the wayward fancies of the fair or mitigated the +harshness of a statesman. This was the chamber where the SAILOR KING, +bluff but not undignified, had jested with his intimates, had smoothed +a frown from the rugged brow of WELLINGTON or held his own against the +eagle glance of GREY; the chamber where the great QUEEN, conscious of +her august destiny, had consecrated to grief such moments as could +be spared from the needs of Empire; the chamber where her son had +laboured for peace and extended the bounds of friendship; the chamber +where a DISRAELI, repaying scorn with scorn, may have spread his +snares, and a GLADSTONE, overwhelmed by the torrent of his own +eloquence, may have fallen into them. + +Nothing was wanting to complete the solemnity of the spectacle. +Outside, the scarlet-coated sentries paced rigidly on their accustomed +rounds, and the populace, hemmed in by the strong arms and the panting +forms of the constabulary, cheered to the echo its favourites or +exchanged with one another the harmless sallies that give pleasure to +a crowd. Within, the KING himself, his face now clouded with anxious +thought, now lit with hope, gave a cordial welcome to the more +unwonted of the guests he had summoned to his presence, while busy +courtiers filled the corridors with an importance which lost nothing +in weight from being unwarranted by knowledge or experience. Lackeys +in the gorgeous liveries of the most brilliant Court in Europe were +in attendance, ready to minister to those whose failing strength might +need refreshment, or to execute with intelligence and despatch the +humbler duties pertaining to their office. + +Nor were the chiefs unworthy of the scene to which they had been +called. There was the Speaker, LOWTHER, his brow beaming with the +good-humour which enabled him to abate pomposity without injuring +the feelings even of the pompous, and to calm with a happy phrase the +agitated waters of debate. There were ASQUITH, strong in the affection +of his friends, and LLOYD GEORGE, braced to action by the invectives +of his foes. There were LAW and LANSDOWNE, staunch defenders of the +citadel in which the last of the Tories, stern and unbending as ever, +had sought refuge. Waterford had sent JOHN REDMOND, the pride and +champion of a nation, the unwearied vindicator of Ireland's right to +govern herself. Through years of contumely and depression he had borne +aloft her standard, and now, when her triumph was all but achieved, +he was here to watch over a settlement which all desired, though +none hitherto had been able to bring it about. With him had come JOHN +DILLON, tall, dignified and stately, whose grey hair and admirable +bearing had won the respect and conciliated the temper of the most +fastidious assembly in the world. Arrayed against these two, sons +of Ireland no less than they, were CARSON and CRAIG; CARSON with his +saturnine face and his swift and piercing intelligence, CRAIG of the +burly form and uncompliant humour. Vowed to the Orange cause, and +dwelling fondly on memories of the Boyne, they denounced with equal +severity the religion of Rome and the political aspirations of the +majority of their fellow-countrymen. Such were the men who were now +met to decide the most momentous issue of our time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POWER BEHIND. + +AUSTRIA (_at the ultimatum stage_). "I DON'T QUITE LIKE HIS ATTITUDE. +SOMEBODY MUST BE BACKING HIM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GLOSSOMANCY IS THE NEW SCIENCE WHICH ENABLES YOU TO +READ PEOPLE'S CHARACTERS BY THE SHAPE AND SIZE OF THEIR TONGUES. THE +ABOVE CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION OF PARLOUR-MAID IS IN THE ACT OF +RESPONDING TO AN INQUIRY AS TO WHETHER SHE IS HONEST, INDUSTRIOUS, +GOOD-TEMPERED, TRUTHFUL AND OBLIGING. THERE IS FEAR THAT HER ACTION, +THOUGH PURELY SCIENTIFIC, MAY PROVE FATAL TO THE INTELLIGENT GIRL'S +CHANCES.] + + * * * * * + +MUTABILITY. + +"And now," I said, while the waiter was bringing the bill, "where +would you like to go?" + +"I don't mind," he said. "What about a music-hall? I haven't seen one +for twenty years. There's a cinema about five miles from my place, but +it's too dear. Only the millionaires can use it." + +"Very well, then," I said, "we'll go to a music-hall; but you'll find +that they've changed a bit." + +"I don't mind," he said, "so long as there's something good. There's +so much variety in a music-hall, one turn after another, don't you +know, that you can't go far wrong." + +My spirits sank. East Africa had kept his youth in camphor, and he had +no knowledge of the wonderful advances that we have been making. Turns +indeed! + +"I'll do the best I can for you," I said, "but I'm afraid you'll be +disappointed." + +"Oh, no," he assured me stoutly, "not in a music-hall. I've been +wanting to see one again for years. I suppose Jimmy Fawn isn't still +going?" + +My spirits fell lower. + +We went to one of the regular places, and, as I had feared, found +a revue in full blast. Topical talk, scenery and American songs +interminably. Every time a new person came on the stage my friend +eagerly perked up and lost his depression, hoping that at last it +might be one of his old delights--a juggler or knockabout or something +like that--but always he was disappointed. + +"I say, where are we?" he asked. "This isn't a music-hall, is it?" + +"One of the best," I replied. + +He looked round in dismay. + +"But where are the waiters?" he asked. + +"Not allowed among the audience any more," I told him; "in fact, some +music-halls don't even have licences." + +He stared at me in astonishment and sank into apathy. Coming up again +he said, "Do you remember those two fellows with enormous stomachs and +hooked sticks? They were funny, if you like. Don't you have that sort +of thing any more?" + +"No," I said. + +"Do you remember that act," he said--"I believe it was called the +Risley act--where a man lay on his back, with his legs up in the air, +and flung his family about with his feet? That was jolly clever. Don't +you have that any more?" + +"No," I said. + +"And the Sisters something or other," he said, "dashed pretty girls, +who did everything at the same time--are they gone for ever?" + +"For ever," I said. + +"And no comic songs either?" he asked. + +"You've heard a lot of comic songs this evening," I replied. + +"Oh, those," he said. "I don't call those comic. They're not comic +songs, they're comic-opera songs. Don't you have the others any more?" + +"Not at this kind of hall," I said. "I daresay there may be a singer +or so left somewhere, with too big a coat and too small a hat, but not +here." + +"Then what are all the old performers doing?" he asked. + +"I believe they're starving," I said. + + * * * * * + + "A NOVEL HOSPITAL AT SHEFFIELD."--_Yorkshire Post._ + +Some of them certainly want a bit of doctoring. + + * * * * * + +THE PROGRESS OF MAN. + +(_By our Anthropological Expert._) + +PROFESSOR KEITH, of the Royal College of Surgeons, reporting on the +skeleton of a prehistoric twelve-year-old boy recently discovered near +Ipswich, pronounces his stature to be much the same as the average +height of a modern boy of the same age, but the size of the head is +remarkably large. The professor states that he and his colleagues are +trying to get hold of people of every period, going as far back as +they can. They will then be able to differentiate the types that lived +in any period, and check the changes that came over them. So far, +however, there has been very little change. + +Perhaps the most striking result of Professor KEITH's appeal so +far has come from the Isle of Man, where a magnificent three-legged +skeleton has been discovered in the Caves of Bradda. The remains have +been pronounced by Professor Quellin, the famous Manx anthropologist, +to be those of a man not less than 175 years of age, whose facial +angle bears so marked a resemblance to that of Mr. HALL CAINE as to +warrant the hypothesis that he was one of the royal ancestors of the +eminent novelist. Close to the skeleton was a long bronze trumpet, +from which Professor Quellin, after several ineffectual efforts, +ultimately succeeded in eliciting a deep booming note. Mr. HALL CAINE, +who has taken the liveliest interest in the discovery, is at present +studying the instrument, and will, it is hoped, give a recital shortly +in the House of Keys. + +The recent excavations at the famous Culbin Sands, undertaken by the +Forres Antiquarian Institute, have also resulted in some remarkable +finds. Prominent among these is a complete set of golf clubs belonging +to the Bronze period. In regard to length the clubs are very much the +same as the average implements used at the present day, but the large +size of the heads is remarkable, the niblick weighing nearly half a +hundredweight. It is plausibly inferred that clubs of this pattern may +also have been used as weapons, as the dwellers in this district in +the Bronze period are known to have been of a warlike and tumultuous +disposition. The game is believed to have been introduced by some +Maccabæan settlers, the ancestors of the clan of Macbeth, who +flourished in the vicinity. + +In that fine spirit of enterprise which has always characterised _The +Daily Lyre_, the proprietors of that periodical have offered a prize +of £5,000 for the most characteristic relic of ancient and modern +British civilization, to be sent in by October 1. Already several +notable exhibits have been forwarded for the competition. Mr. Ronald +McLurkin, of Tain, has submitted portions of the boiler of an ancient +locomotive, apparently used on the Highland Railway in the time of the +Boer War. Dr. Edgar Hollam, of Brancaster, has sent a fine specimen of +a fossilised Norfolk biffin, and Miss Sheila Muldooney, of Skibbereen, +a copy of _The Skibbereen Eagle_ containing the historic announcement +that it had its eye on the Tsar of RUSSIA. Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER sends +a daguerreotype of himself in knickerbockers with side whiskers and +moustache, and Mr. BERNARD SHAW the first interview with himself +that he ever wrote. It appeared in _The Freeman's Journal_ in the +"seventies" and is illustrated with six portraits, in one of which +Mr. SHAW appears in an Eton suit and a tall hat, "the only one I ever +possessed." + +Sir HENRY HOWARTH has forwarded a copy of _The Times_ containing +his first contribution to that journal, a letter occupying a +column-and-a-half of small print, on the mammoth as a domestic pet in +the Court of the early Moghul Emperors. Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL competes +with an essay which he wrote, while a schoolboy at Harrow, on the +dangers of Democracy; and Master ANTHONY ASQUITH has sent the rough +notes of a Lecture on "The Balliol Manner" which he delivered many +years ago before a select audience at Claridge's. The contrast in form +and thought between this crude essay and his recent lectures on the +mysticism of RABINDRANATH TAGORE is quite amazing. We may also briefly +note the MS. version of an early sonnet by Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, addressed +to Sir SIDNEY LEE; several safety-pins and a sponge-bag which once +belonged to CHARLOTTE BRONTË and are now entered for the competition +by Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER; and a hot-water bottle used by S. T. COLERIDGE +when he was writing "The Ancient Mariner," now in the possession of +Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE. + +The interesting point that emerges so far is that while little change +is observable in the physique, habits and manners of the British, +as illustrated by these relics, up to the last ten years or so, the +development in every direction, since the foundation of _The Daily +Lyre_, has been quite extraordinarily rapid and pronounced. For +instance, a cast of the head of a modern "nut" shows a compactness +which compares most favourably with the overgrown cranium of the +prehistoric boy reported on by Professor KEITH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Captain of the Preparatory School._ "WELL, +YOUNGSTER, WHAT IS IT? WANT MY AUTOGRAPH?"] + + * * * * * + + "To-day there are 2,000,000 muskrats in Bohemia, and, like + rabbits in Australia, they are spreading all over the fruitful + regions of the province and destroying fish in the breeding + ponds."--_Daily Mail._ + +You should see our rabbit destroying our trout. + + * * * * * + + "She was a flesh and blood woman, fit to be the mother of + husky sons."--_"Daily Sketch" feuilleton._ + +They would constantly rise up and call her blessed, and this would +account for their hoarseness. (Jones's jujubes are the best.) + + * * * * * + + "The sturgeon ... consists of fish, flesh, and fowl, the + latter part commanding a good saleable price."--_Carlisle + Journal._ + +The wings are particularly tender. + + * * * * * + +Fashions for Men. + + "Lord Salisbury came with Lady Beatrice Ormsby-Gore, wearing + blue charmeuse."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Worthy._ "AH, I USED TO BE AS FOND OF A DROP +O' BEER AS ANYONE, BUT NOWADAYS IF I DO TAKE TWO OR DREE GALLONS IT DO +KNOCK I OVER!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR COLOSSAL ARRANGEMENTS. + +One of the most appalling scandals of modern times is the disgraceful +suppression by the Ginger-beer Press of news relating to the state of +affairs in the Isle of Wight. For some weeks we have not flinched +from filling our columns with picturesque accounts of the epoch-making +events taking place there; and yet the Ginger-beer Press has cruelly +put off its readers with the scantiest details, or else refrained from +any sort of reference. We make our protest all the more vigorously +because many of those readers have been driven to read our own journal +in preference to the erroneous and misleading sheets to which we have +referred. + +This distressing state of things has forced us to make the fullest +arrangements for a constant stream of news to be supplied from our +branch offices at Ventnor, Totland Bay, the Needles, and other points +of the Island. We have despatched a huge staff of world-famous war +correspondents, descriptive writers, poets, photographers, Royal +Academy artists, gallopers, commissariat officers, and trained +bloodhounds. Field kitchens, field wireless equipment, and field +glasses are included among their impedimenta, and no single message +will be printed in our pages that has not been sent in some other +way than through the ordinary channels of the post, telephone and +telegraph. Each member of this army of artists, littérateurs and +tacticians possesses a hip pocket, fully loaded, two pairs of puttees, +a compass and a wrist watch. + +Every day scores of women and children are leaving the Isle of Wight +for the mainland. Gunboats and cruisers are passing and repassing +before its shores, by order of the Admiralty; strong, silent men are +doggedly pursuing the business they have in hand. In the very heart +of the island some of the flower of the youth of our country is +being trained in the art of naval warfare, while the thunders of +gun-practice are heard every hour around the coast. Yet, search where +you will in the Ginger-beer Press during the last few weeks, you will +find practically no reference to these things. + +We implore our readers, on the highest patriotic grounds, to inform +the few remaining adherents of the Ginger-beer Press that if they +desire the Truth it can be found only in our pages. + +We have the pleasure of printing below the first of the astonishing +articles which have been sent already from our Expeditionary Staff:-- + +THE PRELIMINARY CALM. + +_By Blinton X. Krapt._ + +The streets of Cowes are bathed in sunlight. Smart yachtsmen, +accompanied by daintily dressed ladies, walk hither and thither. The +shopkeepers chat pleasantly. The burly policeman drowsily pursues +his way. Children shout happily. Surely here is peace, says the +unsuspecting visitor. + +A brown-faced man with a light beard and a heavy tread approached +us. "It is all right," said my companion to him; "this gentleman is +a friend." Then, lowering his voice, he added: "_He came over last +night._" "Beautiful place, Cowes, isn't it?" said the bronzed man. I +noticed that his hip pocket bulged. Yet none would have suspected that +his conversation was not of a perfectly ordinary character. + +Entering the most sumptuous hotel in Cowes we had lunch. There was +nothing sinister about the place except that the waiters were German. +But I noted signs of understanding between them and my friend. "I have +been here before," he explained, with a quick glance about him. + +So life goes on from day to day. We are waiting, waiting. The little +boot-maker in his shop is waiting. The tailor is waiting. The hotel +staffs are waiting. The passengers on the railway platforms are +waiting. On the surface life is gay and free from care; but what I may +have to tell you when it comes round to my turn to write again, who +can say? + + * * * * * + +THE TOP SLICE. + + +I. + +_Letter from Mrs. Gregory-Browne to + Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe. + Upper Tooting, + 21st July, 1914._ + +MY DEAREST AGATHA,--I must tell you about an extraordinary occurrence. +They were all quite respectable people, indeed most respectable. +Perhaps I ought not to include Mr. Jones. He is, you know (I mention +this in the strictest confidence, dearest), he is not--well, you know, +he hardly belongs to our set. I cannot understand why James is so +absurdly fond of him. + +It was my At Home day last week and quite a lot of people, really nice +people too, came in spite of the heat. The heat may have had something +to do with it, but I really cannot think what it was. + +I handed a plate of bread-and-butter to Miss Niccole. To my surprise +she hesitated a moment and then took the plate and handed it to me. +When I declined she offered it to Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson. You +know, dear, she is fourth cousin to a baronet. Then the extraordinary +thing occurred. Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson took the plate and +offered it to Miss Niccole. When Miss Niccole declined it she offered +it to Mr. Wildegoose (pronounced Wildergos, you know, dear). Then it +was his turn. And so it went on. Really, it was most extraordinary. +Nothing like it has ever been known in our family. I really cannot +understand it. + +Everybody passed the plate, and at last it came to Mr. Jones. He +pointed at the top piece of bread-and-butter. Yes, he actually +pointed. He then made the following extraordinary remark: "I say, +hasn't this broken loose from the bread-pudding, what, what?" +Thereupon he pushed it on one side and took the next slice. I was +ashamed and mortified for such a thing to happen in my house. Really, +it was most extraordinary. + +Mr. Allen, the new curate, came in just then. He took the top slice, +but I caught him absent-mindedly putting it in a flower-pot. When he +saw me looking at him he blushed and started--started eating it, +I mean. However, he left most of it, and when everyone was gone +I examined it. It was perhaps a little hardened by the sun, but +otherwise it was quite a nice piece of bread-and-butter. I cannot +understand it at all. The whole thing was really most extraordinary +... most extraordinary. + + Your ever loving SARAH. + + +II. + +_Letter from Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe to + Mrs. Gregory-Browne. + Chiswick, + 22nd July, 1914._ + +MY DEAREST SARAH,--I have just read your most interesting letter, +and I quite agree that the whole occurrence was, as you say, most +extraordinary. I mentioned it to George. He says he has no doubt at +all that it was really a sound piece of bread-and-butter. I don't know +whether the enclosed cutting will help you to understand, but I am +sending it. It is from last Saturday's _Tooting Argus_. Somebody sent +it to George. + + Your loving AGATHA. + + +III. + +Extract from _The Tooting Argus:_-- + +GREAT NEW FEATURE. + +PROBLEMS OF CONDUCT. + +(CONDUCTED BY REGINALD AUGUSTUS PLANTAGENET-HARRIS.) + +_Problem 3._--A. is paying a call. His hostess offers him +bread-and-butter. He notices that the top piece has suffered from the +heat. What should A. do? + +Answer adjudged correct.--A. should politely take the plate from his +hostess, murmuring, "May I offer it to you?" If she refuses he should +offer it to his nearest neighbour. When the offending slice has been +got rid of in this way he can help himself to the next slice and then +return the plate to its owner. + +Highly commended.--A. should explain to his hostess that he has a +peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices of bread-and-butter from +the houses of the great. His collection of Royal Family slices is +unrivalled. Might he have the pleasure and honour of adding to his +collection this dainty specimen? He should then reverently fold the +slice in two and place it in his breast-pocket. + +[Our only objection to this is that it seems a rather greasy thing to +do.] + +Incorrect answers:--(1) A. should make a facetious remark, such as, +"Hasn't this escaped from the bread pudding?" He should then playfully +but firmly push the slice aside and trust to luck on the next. + +(2) A. must out of courtesy to his hostess accept thankfully whatever +she places before him. Any other course of conduct would be an +affront. It now however becomes his personal property and he can adopt +whichever of the following courses is most convenient-- + +(a) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot or in the gramophone. + +(b) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the +dog may get it. + +NOTE.--If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, "I +cannot understand how any animal can decline such delightful +bread-and-butter." He can then openly dispose of it in the grate or +the waste-paper-basket on the ground that the dog's nose has vitiated +its freshness. + + * * * * * + +LOVE'S LABOUR WELL LOST. + +[_Lines inspired by a dark lady, who remarked_, à propos _of a recent +disaster, that all fair girls were untrustworthy._] + + Phyllis hath a roving eye, + Palest blue--a candid feature + Which informs the passer-by + Phyllis is a flighty creature; + Golden locks and fair complexion + Also point in that direction. + + I, who had arranged to be + Joined to Phyllis by the vicar, + Now that she has jilted me + Scorn to seek relief in liquor. + Or the tears that folk are shedding + (Having missed a swagger wedding). + + He who stole my love away + Cannot hope for long survival, + And I pity him to-day + As I did a former rival + Who believed her single-hearted + When my own flirtation started. + + * * * * * + +The Journalistic Touch. + +I. + + "The Imperial yacht with the Tsar and Imperial Family on + board steamed through the British lines yesterday, afterwards + lunching on the British flagship."--_Bombay Chronicle._ + +II. + +Of the Rose Walk at Purley:-- + + "Then the material loveliness becomes the diaphanous veil + through which glint realities of which all phenomena are + expressions."--_Croydon Advertiser & Surrey County Reporter._ + +III. + + "His memory and his noble face, and reverend crown of snow, + will be a green spot, and indelibly written in our minds, + whilst life lasts."--_Methodist Recorder._ + + * * * * * + + "The work of restoring the church tower at Cheriton Bishop has + been completed, and Mr. Leach has been completed, and Mr. + W. Leach has entertained the men engaged on the work at + tea."--_Western Morning News._ + +And so everyone is satisfied. + + * * * * * + + "To-day two Greek documents (one of them dated 88 B.C., and + supposed to be the earliest document on parchment known) will + be sold."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Scholarly letter-writers before the Christian era were always careful +to put B.C. after the year. + + * * * * * + +THE YOUNG OF THE SEA-SERPENT. + +With the approach of the silly season one's thoughts turn naturally +to the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets +of authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. An +infinite variety of topics, our representative gathered yesterday, is +now on the eve of discussion, and the quill that cannot find something +to say on at least one of them had better return to its native goose +without delay. + +"Mother of Ten," we were informed by the courteous editor of _The +Halfpenny Bleater_, will as usual open that journal's discussion, and +this year her thoughts have turned to bathing fatalities. "Should +Land Crabs Learn Swimming" is the subject which she (or, to betray +an office secret, he) has selected. Due emphasis on the necessity for +university costume in the case of an affirmative reply to the question +will be laid by "Paterfamilias," who will contribute the second letter +of the series. + +_The Morning Dip_ will maintain its reputation for intellectuality +with a spiritual discussion on "Has Life a Double Meaning?" or +"Is Existence a Joke?"--the exact title has not yet been decided. +"Constant Reader" has already bought a penny packet of assorted +stationery and charged it to the office petty cash, and only a really +good murder can prevent the early appearance of his letter. As readers +will remember, correct spelling is a feature of this author's work. + +In pursuance of its settled policy _The Daily Giggle_ will appeal more +especially to the fair sex. There is more than a touch of pathos +in the signature "Orphan Boy," which will appear at the foot of his +letter on the subject, "Are First Cousins Kissable?" + +Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in +_The Daily Jingo_, where "Pro Bono Publico" will lay down his views on +"Our Softening Sinews." In his well-known style, which is so happy a +blend of public spirit and split infinitives, he will plead for less +indulgence in our dealings with the young. "We are," he says in his +peroration, which we were privileged to see, "raising up a soft breed, +and we shall live to bitterly rue it. The future of the race is, of +course, on the knees of the gods, but let us determine to also lay +it across the knee of parent and schoolmaster. So shall the rising +generation learn the merits of the strong right arm that has made +England what it is." + +In conjunction with _The Perfect Little Lady_, which will discuss "The +Highest Type of Man," the editor of _The Brain Pan_ will throw open +his columns to all those with views on "The Most Attractive Girl." For +the start he has secured the services of "Virile Englishman," who +will put aside her knitting to take up the pen in obedience to his +commands. _The Perfect Little Lady_'s first letter will be contributed +by "Sweet Seventeen," who has studied her subject by diligent +attendance at all the best boxing matches of the current year. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Anglo-Indian Child._ "WHAT'S THIS, DADDY?" + +_Father._ "THAT'S LIVER, MY DEAR." + +_Child._ "LIVER! WHOSE LIVER?" + +_Father._ "SHEEP'S LIVER." + +_Child._ "AH! I WONDER WHAT GAVE _IT_ LIVER!"] + + * * * * * + + "'I do not see why, I do not see why,' he repeated, rising up + and down."--_The Times._ + +We do not see how. + + * * * * * + +A New Way to Deal with the Cold. + + "Originally fitted with luxurious saloons and cabins for + tourists to Greenland and Spitzbergen, the Endurance is a + very different ship to-day. Her cabins are being turned into + store-rooms and officers and crew will sleep in odd corners, + for two years' provisions have to be curried."--_Evening + News._ + + * * * * * + + "The music of Borodin, the composer of 'Prince Igor,' is + little known in England, apart from the Polovtsienne Dances + which, owing to their wind and barbaric character, have + been so popular a feature of the performances of the Russian + Ballet."--_Musical Opinion._ + +Why drag in the wind? The strings were just as good as the wind when +we were there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD. + +_New Maid._ "VOILÀ, MA'M'SELLE." + +_Débutante._ "HEAVENS, MY GOOD GIRL, THAT WON'T DO. HERE, GIVE ME THE +THINGS. WHY, HALF-WAY ACROSS THE ROOM NO ONE WOULD SEE I WAS MADE UP +AT ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +FACT AND FABLE. + + For miles I'd tramped by down and hill; + With eve I found the happy ending; + All in the sunset, golden chill, + The collie met me, grave, befriending. + I saw the roof-tree down the vale, + Brave fields of harvest spread thereunder; + The collie waved a feathery tail + And led me to the House of Wonder. + + Houses, like people, so I've thought, + Bear character upon their faces, + Born of their company and wrought + Upon by inward gifts and graces: + Here, through the harvest's gold array + And evening's mellow _far niente_, + Looked kindliness and work-a-day, + And happy hours and peace and plenty. + + And, lo, it seemed the Downs amid + I'd found a folded bit of Britain, + Laid by in lavender and hid + The year--let's say--_Tom Jones_ was written; + An old farm manor-house it is + With fantails fluttering on the gables, + A place of men and memories + And solid facts and homespun fables. + + For Fact: a fortnight passed me by + Mid ancient oak and secret panel + And strawberries of late July + And distant glimpses of the Channel; + Fair morns to wake on--were they not?-- + Full of the pigeons' coo and cadence, + Each day a page of CALDECOTT, + All cream and flowers and pretty maidens. + + For Fable: as I smoked a pipe + And havered with a black-haired cowman, + Grey-eyed, in that fine Celtic type, + As much the poet as the ploughman-- + "Seems kind of lucky here," said I; + "The very ducklings look more downy + Than others do." He grinned: "An' why? + May happen, Sir, we feeds a brownie! + + "'There isn't many left,' says you; + As hearts grow hard the breed gets rarer; + Yet, when he goes, the luck goes too, + And prices fall and boards be barer; + But if so be you does your part + An' feeds him fair and treats folk proper, + Keepin' for all the kindly heart-- + The lucky Lad's a certain stopper!" + + *** + + Well, should you go by Butser way + And hit the god-sent path, and follow, + You'll find, at closing of the day, + The old house in the valley-hollow, + Laid by in lavender, forgot, + The home of peace and ancient plenty; + A brownie may be there or not-- + The hearts are kind enough for twenty! + + * * * * * + +Cause and Effect? + + "Of the five catalpa trees in the Embankment-gardens the + finest has been blighted. The tree is close to the National + Liberal Club."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OF THE DAWN?] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +[Illustration: Snapshots of certain Members who were _not_ on +their way to or from the Conference. Their expressions reflect the +pessimistic view which they entertained from the first as to its +chance of success in their absence. + +(Sir WILLIAM BYLES, Mr. HOGGE, Mr. KEIR HARDIE, Mr. JOHN WARD, Mr. +WILLIAM O'BRIEN, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.)] + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 20._--The T. R. Westminster is at +least equal to the old T. R. Drury Lane in capacity for producing +dramatic turns. When Members went off on Saturday for week-end holiday +the Ulster attitude was pretty generally understood. Ulster demanded +"a clean cut," with the alternative, phrased by CARSON, of "Come over +and fight us." The Cabinet after prolonged deliberation had resolved +to meet demand with firm _non possumus_: PREMIER was expected on +resumption of Sittings this afternoon to announce conclusion of +matter, adding such offer of concession on matter of detail as, whilst +providing golden bridge for Opposition, would avert revolt in his own +camp, where "conversations" with leaders of Opposition are regarded +with growing jealousy and suspicion. + +New stage in long-drawn-out controversy sufficient to create +profoundest interest in to-day's proceedings. It would surely be the +beginning of the end. What exactly the PREMIER would say about further +concession to Ulster, and how the overtures would be received on Front +Opposition Bench, were questions on which might hang the issue of +peace or war. + +PREMIER had a more startling message to deliver. From point of view +of dramatic effect it was a thousand pities his secret had been +prematurely disclosed. When he rose amid profound stillness of +crowded House everyone knew what he was going to say. In ordinary +circumstances his interposition at so critical a juncture would have +been hailed by resounding applause from the multiform sections that +contribute to making up of Ministerial majority. As matters turned +out, a frigid cheer greeted his appearance at the Table. To the +announcement that "in view of the grave situation the KING has thought +it right to summon representatives of Parties, both British and Irish, +to a Conference in Buckingham Palace, with the object of discussing +outstanding issues in relation to the problem of Irish government," he +had only one new thing to add. It was that the SPEAKER would preside +over the Conference. + +This was the only passage in the brief formal conversation, to which +LEADER OF OPPOSITION and LEADER OF IRISH NATIONALISTS contributed, +that elicited general cheer. A high tribute to occupant of the Chair. + +GINNELL saw his opportunity and seized it by the hair. He is one of +three leaders of the Irish Nationalists. Understood that his Party +consists of a single member, so shadowy that there are varied reports +as to his identity. Member for N.W. Meath leaped on to pinnacle of +enduring fame when the present Parliament met to elect a Speaker. +Before Mr. LOWTHER was qualified to take the Chair, and whilst as yet +no recognised authority existed, GINNELL, master of the situation, +delivered a long harangue. Proposed now to offer a few remarks "as an +independent Irish Nationalist." + +SPEAKER on point of order restricting him to putting a question, +he "begged to ask the PRIME MINISTER what precedent he had and +what authority to advise the KING to place himself at the head of a +conspiracy to defeat the decision of this House?" + +"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table," +said the SPEAKER. + +The observation did not appear relevant. It met the occasion. It +brought up LEVERTON HARRIS, newly elected for East Worcestershire, who +found his welcome the warmer by reason of the fact that he had been a +passive instrument in avoiding what might under less adroit management +have developed into a disorderly scene. + +_Business done._--PREMIER announces Conference upon Ulster question to +meet at Buckingham Palace on the invitation of HIS MAJESTY. + +_Tuesday._--Dull sitting closed in lively conversation arising on +motion for adjournment. RUPERT GWYNNE, jealous for due observance of +traditions of House, has noticed with concern the departure for Canada +for indefinite period of Member for East St. Pancras. At Question +time asked CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER whether Mr. MARTIN had applied for +Chiltern Hundreds. Answered in the negative, he put a further question +to PREMIER, directing his attention to Act of 6 HENRY VIII. c. 16, +ordering that no Member of Parliament shall absent himself from +attendance except he have licence of Mr. SPEAKER. This upon pain of +having his wages docked. PREMIER brushed him aside with one of his +brief answers. + +GWYNNE not the man to be shouldered off the path of duty when it +lies straight before him. Here was a Member in receipt of £400 a year +leaving the place of business where it was assumed to be earned, not +even taking the trouble to follow example of the clerk who, left +in sole charge of his master's office, wrote in legible hand, "Back +D'reckly," affixed notice to front door and went forth to enjoyment of +prolonged meal. + +Since he could get no satisfaction at Question time he kept Members +in, after hour of adjournment, in order to debate subject. + +Unfortunately it turned out that he was not exactly the man to +have undertaken the job. Amid laughter and hilarious cheering HOME +SECRETARY pointed out that here was a case of Satan reproving sin. +Reference to the records showed that during the time payment of +Members has been in vogue, of 687 divisions GWYNNE was absent from +424. (GWYNNE later corrected these figures.) During that time he had +drawn from the Exchequer salary amounting to £1,000. + +"On his own principle, that payment should be in proportion to +attendance, the hon. Member," said the HOME SECRETARY, "is entitled +to only £400. Being so conscientious no doubt he will repay to the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER the balance of £600." + +HELMSLEY, gallantly coming to assistance of friend in dire straits, +himself fell into the bog. It appeared that of 1056 divisions taken in +two Sessions he had been absent from 602. Here was another unexpected +little windfall for the Exchequer. + +At this stage it was found expedient to drop the subject; adjournment +not further resisted. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill dealt with on Report stage. + +_Thursday._--With that austerity that since Stuart times has marked +relations of House of Commons with royalty Mr. HOGGE is known at +Westminster simply as the Member for East Edinburgh, a position he +with characteristic modesty accepts. But blood, especially royal +blood, like murder, will out. Lineal descendant of one of the oldest +dynasties in the world's history, Mr. HOGGE cannot be expected always +and altogether to be free from ancestral influence. Something of the +hauteur of 'OGGE, King of Bashan (or, as some records have it, OG) +is discerned in his attitude and manner when, throned on corner seat +below Gangway, he occasionally deigns to direct the PRIME MINISTER in +the way he should go. + +Such opportunity presented itself in connection with meeting of +Conference which through the Parliamentary week has centred upon +Buckingham Palace the attention of mankind. With respect to palaces +Mr. HOGGE is by family association an expert. + +"Why Rookery?" _Miss Betsey Trotwood_ sharply asked _David +Copperfield_ when he casually mentioned his mother's postal address. + +"Why Buckingham Palace?" asked Mr. HOGGE, bending severe glance on +Treasury Bench whence the PREMIER had judiciously fled. + +St. Stephen's, which houses the Member for East Edinburgh, is also a +royal palace. Why then was not the Conference held within its walls, +instead of under the roof of what he loftily alluded to as "the +domestic Palace"? + +This and much more, with covert references to machinations of the two +Front Benches, Mr. HOGGE wanted to know. + +The PRIME MINISTER, uneasily conscious of the coming storm, had, +as mentioned, discreetly disappeared. As an offering to righteous +indignation he left behind him on the Treasury Bench the body of +ATTORNEY-GENERAL. That astute statesman avoided difficulty and +personal disaster by meekly undertaking to lay before the PRIME +MINISTER the views so eloquently and pointedly set forth by the hon. +Member. + +Mr. HOGGE graciously assented to this course, and what at the outset +looked like threatening incident terminated. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Third Reading without a division. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waiter._ "WHAT SAUCE WILL YOU TAKE WIZ YOUR FISH, +SAIR?" + +_Polite Customer._ "WELL, WHAT DISINFECTANTS HAVE YOU?"] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Hogge: Can the Prime Minister say whether any of those + taking part in the Conference attached any conditions to their + entering the Conference? + + 'I cannot sty,' replied the Premier."--_Evening News._ + +Was this quite worthy of the PRIME MINISTER? We ourselves do not care +for these personal jokes on people's names. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Asquith's statement was thus of sensational interest, + because it represented the last effort at the eleventh minute + of the eleventh hour to avert Civil War."--_Dublin Evening + Mail._ + +No need to hurry. There are still forty-nine minutes left. + + * * * * * + +The Finances of Cricket. + + "Cumberland batted first and reached the total of £272, C. A. + Hardcastle (87), R. B. Brown (41), and R. C. Saint (27) being + the chief contributors."--_Daily News and Leader._ + + * * * * * + +Suggested mottoes for the L.C.C.:-- + + "PROGRESS MODERATELY." + + "TRAM UP A CHILD." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR DEVELOPING A "WHITE HOPE" AMONGST OUR +'BUS- AND TAXI-DRIVERS.] + + * * * * * + +THE MISSIONARY. + + Where Oriental calm derides + Our Occidental stress + And Ninety-seven E. collides + With Five-and-twenty S., + + You'll find a product of the West, + A Bachelor of Arts, + Who blends a mind of youthful zest + With patriarchal parts. + + Each morning mid his rubber trees + He rides an ancient hack, + A cassock girt above his knees, + A topee tilted back. + + Now reining in his steed to preach + A parable on sap, + Now vaulting from his seat to teach + The proper way to tap. + + His swart disciples knit their brows + O'er algebraic signs; + They build their byres, they milk their cows + On scientific lines. + + They use his microscope and gaze + On strange bacterial risks; + They tuns their daily hymns of praise + To gramophonic discs. + + And every evening after grace, + When converts clear the cloth, + He pins an orchid to its place + Or camphorates a moth. + + Out of the world his path may run, + Yet still in worldly wise + He'll talk of feats with rod or gun, + A twinkle in his eyes, + + And tell of tiger-stalking nights, + Of mornings with the snipe, + With never a pause save when he lights + An antiquated pipe. + + We others earn our pensioned ease, + The furlough of our kind; + We book our berths, we cross the seas, + But he shall stay behind, + + Plodding his round of feast and fast, + Dreaming the dreams of yore, + Of England as he saw her last + In 1884. + + J. M. S. + + * * * * * + +More Impending Apologies. + +I. + + "GREAT GALA NIGHT + WHEN + JOSEPHINE DAVIS + WILL BID 'AU REVOIR' TO BOMBAY + BY SPECIAL REQUEST." + + _Bombay Chronicle._ + +II. + + "At the hour of six the Rev. S. F. Collier gave out the only + possible hymn-- + + 'And are we yet alive + And see each other's face!'" + + _Yorkshire Post._ + + * * * * * + +THE GESTICULATORS. + +The supper-room was so full that I quite expected to find that, since +I was so late, the harassed head-waiter had taken the liberty of +presuming my death and letting someone else have my table; but there +it was, empty and ready for me. I sank into a chair with a feeling +of relief and, having ordered something to eat, began to examine the +room. There was not a spare place; everyone was eating and talking and +unusual excitement was in the air. From my remote corner I could not +catch any words, but the odd thing was that at every table one at +least of the men, who were all in evening-dress, was waving his arms. +Now and then a man would stand up to do this better. It was as though +they were all deaf and dumb, or cinema actors. + +The next day at lunch I had a similar experience. I patronized another +restaurant, which seemed to be equally popular, and again every man +was gesticulating in a style totally foreign to the staid apathetic +Londoner. What could it mean? What was the reason? + +I asked the waiter. He laughed. "Ah," he said, "I have notice it too. +It is funny, is it not? Zey all show each other how CARPENTIER won on +ze foul." + + * * * * * + +AN ERROR IN ARCADY. + +People who know us both have often expressed a doubt as to whether +Charles or myself is the more absent-minded and unobservant. I wish to +set the matter at rest once and for all. + +We were discussing William's wedding, which had just taken place, +romantically enough, in the very heart of Herts--one of those quaint +little villages where no sound seems to disturb the silence of the +long summer day but the gentle bleating of horn to horn and the murmur +of innumerable tyres. Both of us had been there, and Charles came +round to talk to me about it a few evenings afterwards. + +"I do hope the poor dear fellow will be happy," he said, lighting his +fifth match and pulling away vigorously at an ugly-looking briar. + +"It really goes much better with tobacco in it," I said, passing him +my pouch. "Why on earth shouldn't William be happy? It seemed a very +pretty wedding. Did you notice how the rays of the sun coming through +the window lit up the best man's boots?" + +"I daresay, I daresay," he replied. "As a matter of fact I couldn't +see the church part of it very well: I came late and was behind a +pillar at the back." + +"Well, it all went beautifully," I told him. "Everybody stood up and +sat down in the wrong places as usual, and the friends of the bride +looked with extreme _hauteur_ at the friends of the bridegroom, and +_vice versâ_. I suppose you went to the reception afterwards. I never +saw you at all except for a moment on the platform going back. You +must have shaken hands with the happy pair and examined the presents?" + +"I went to the house," said Charles. "I went in a motor-car on a seat +that took two men to hold down, and that hit me hard when I tried to +stand up. I caught a glimpse of William, but I couldn't find the room +where the presents were set out, so I went through almost at once +into the garden, where the feasting was going on. Do tell me about the +gifts. Was my little pepper-castor hung on the line?" + +"I didn't notice that," I said, "but my butter-dish was doing itself +proud. It had sneaked up to a magnificent toast-rack with stabling +accommodation for about eight pieces, given by somebody with a title. +And you ought to have seen the fish-slices. The fish-slices wore +gorgeous. I expect William will spend a great part of his married +life in slicing fish. It will be a great change from golf-balls. But I +think you really ought to have said a few hearty and well-chosen words +to the young people." + +"That's just it," replied Charles in a mournful voice. "I did. I +talked to the bride." + +"Hang it, so did I!" I exclaimed rather indignantly. "Directly I got +in I went up to William and her and said to her, 'How glad you must be +it's all over!' and then quite suddenly it struck me that that wasn't +really the best thing to say in the circumstances, so I blushed and +trod on William's toe and passed on. What did you do in the garden?" + +"Well, I wandered about on the lawn where there were lots and lots of +people," said Charles. "I didn't seem to meet anyone I knew, but the +flower-beds were most beautifully kept. I have seldom seen such a +display of cress sandwiches and champagne. After a bit I strolled down +through the shrubberies, went through a little wooden gate and found +myself amongst the raspberry canes. About a quarter of an hour later, +after a little fruity refreshment, whom should I meet walking along a +quiet shady path but the bride herself, all alone." + +"Stealing away to get one last raspberry at the dear old home," I +said. "How romantic! What did you do? Hide?" + +"No," answered Charles bitterly. "I only wish I had. I felt that now +or never was the time. I went straight up to her, and, feeling that +to talk about the weather or the theatres on such an occasion would be +rather footling, in spite of the fact that we'd never been introduced, +I plunged straight into it. 'You've never seen me before in your +life,' I said earnestly, 'because you haven't got eyes in the back of +your head, and I've never seen you because I can't look through stone. +What's more, I'm only a little silver pepper-castor, an insignificant +item in your cruet. But I must tell you how delighted I am to have a +chance of speaking to you.'" + +"What did she say to that?" I asked. + +"Well, you'd never believe it, but the girl looked quite nervous and +frightened, and positively began to walk away from me. I supposed I'd +begun on the wrong tack, so I hurried after her and started again. +'Marriage is a state full of the most serious responsibilities,' I +said, 'but one glance at you shows me that you are fully competent to +shoulder them all.'" + +"That sounds as if you thought she looked a trifle statuesque," I +said. "Did she seem annoyed?" + +"Worse," replied Charles. "She hurried on again without speaking a +word. 'Stop,' I cried, 'stop! I am a friend of the fairy prince;' and +just then we came out on to a piece of lawn, and she gave a little +shriek and actually ran away, leaving me standing where I was. I was +so ashamed and exhausted that I slunk back through the little gate and +had some more raspberries. When I had partially recovered I returned +to the upper part of the garden again, had two cups of tea in the big +tent, and made my way back to the station, where I saw you. If you +hadn't got into another carriage I should have told you about it at +the time." + +"Then you never saw them going away at all?" I said. + +"No," replied Charles; "did you?" + +"Did I not?" said I. "You wouldn't believe the amount of rice I +started their married life with. About two milk puddings' worth, I +should say. And so you are not quite satisfied with William's choice?" + +"Well, she seems to me to be rather an unresponsive and timid sort +of person," said Charles. "Not tactful, nor likely to make what the +newspapers call a charming hostess. I should have liked dear William +to marry someone who would be a social success." + +I smoked for some time in silence, and then I had an idea. + +"How was the bride dressed when you saw her, Charles?" I asked. + +"Do I know how women are dressed? She was in white, of course, and +hadn't a hat on." + +"But she had a train and a veil, I suppose. She hadn't a short skirt +by any chance?" + +"Goodness, how do I know?" he replied. "I didn't notice all that. Why +do you ask?" + +"Well, you only saw her once, you see," I said, "and you went through +that little gate at the bottom of the garden, didn't you?" + +"I did," said Charles. "What's that got to do with it?" + +"Nothing, nothing. Only I know that there were some people playing +tennis at the next house, and very likely the two gardens are +connected, and I'm wondering whether that girl----" + +"Good heavens," said Charles.... "You haven't got such a thing as a +hairpin about you, have you? This pipe's stopped up." + + * * * * * + + "The Nambudiri school is progressing with the French motto of + 'Festina lente!'"--_The Malabar Herald._ + +More progress might be made with the old Latin tag, "_Trop de zèle._" + + * * * * * + + "'As long as I can play as good a game of golf as I did to-day + I will never get any cider,' was Mr. Rockefeller's reply to + one of the friends who called to congratulate him."--_New York + Sun._ + +He may, however, get older, even then. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIETY NOTES. + +WE ARE SORRY TO HEAR THAT, THROUGH THE INCONSIDERATE ACTION OF THE +ANTIQUATED PEOPLE WHO STILL TAKE DOGS TO THE PARK, THE PET RAT OF +LADY PIPER HAD A NARROW ESCAPE FROM WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SERIOUS +ACCIDENT.] + + * * * * * + +THE FOILING OF "THE BLARE." + +(_Suggested to a slightly Hibernian brain by the recent ebullition of +generosity on the part of the popular press, which insures its readers +against holiday accidents whilst boating and bathing._) + + When I bolt from this city of vapour + To bite the salubrious breeze, + Do you know why I gambol and caper + And plunge with a shout in the seas + Twice the lad that I was + For a lark? It's because + I subscribe to that bountiful paper, + _The Blare_, if you please. + + For I know that if currents are shifty, + If cramp should arrive unaware, + I shall die, but my end will be thrifty, + And my host (being also my heir) + Will be amply consoled + By the thought of the gold + (Which amounts to two hundred and fifty) + He'll get from _The Blare_. + + "Pray take from your forehead those creases," + I cry to my friend on the yacht, + "I admit that the mainsail's in pieces + And most of the sheets in a knot; + But remember that if + We go _ponk_ on that cliff + It's _The Blare_ will be paying your nieces + A nice little pot." + + But whatever may crash into cruisers + Or wherries when I am afloat, + When the waves have destroyed me like bruisers, + I call on my country to note, + If _The Blare_ should pretend, + When I've passed to my end, + I was one of its constant perusers, + It lies in its throat. + + To my tenantless rooms in the City + The rags have been sent, and it's there + That I'll burn them unopened and gritty + Or, if (and it's little I care) + I am whelmed in the wave, + I shall laugh from my grave + At the blow that I've dealt the banditti + Who publish _The Blare_. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "With one accord they all say, 'Welcome to Ireland!' 'No + more delightful place,' says Mr. Birrell; 'A kindly welcome + everywhere,' says Mr. Devlin; 'The most peaceful place in the + world,' says Mr. Redmond."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Mr. REDMOND has overlooked the Balkans. + + * * * * * + +ALL LIARS' DAY. + +"So it's ----'s birthday to-day," said Fortescue (naming a very +well-known politician) as he looked up from his newspaper. "You'll +call and wish him many happy returns, of course, Ferguson?" + +We who travel up together each morning by this train are pretty well +agreed about ----. + +"Don't mention that man to me!" cried Ferguson. "He's absolutely the +biggest liar on earth. I can't imagine how he faces the world as he +does after having been exposed so many times. You'd think he would +want to crawl away into a hole somewhere. He can't have the least +sense of shame." + +"Pardon me," interrupted the burly stranger seated in the corner. +"Pardon me; there is reason why he should. It is not _his_ fault if +he is addicted to inexactitude. He was predestined to it. It is the +irresistible influence of the day on which he was born. Every man born +on this day must inevitably grow up to be a liar; it is his fate, from +which there can be no escape." + +"Oh, come!" protested Ferguson. "That sounds rather far-fetched, you +know, for these days." + +"My dear Sir," retorted the other, brushing up his moustache +aggressively and glaring at Ferguson, "I happen to be President of the +Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon Character, +so I presume I may claim to know what I am talking about." + +So truculent was his demeanour that nobody ventured to speak. + +"My Society," he continued after a pause, "has conducted its +researches over a period of many years. I am going to give you just +a few examples out of thousands we have collected. Let us take a +significant date, February 29th. A man born on that day is a coward. +It is inevitable. Pusillanimity is born in him and can never be +eradicated. + +"We had before us a month or two ago the case of a gentleman living +in a country town--a quiet, shy, studious recluse--born on this fatal +day. By some mischance he happened to pick up a journal in which was +an article on the Government by Mr. ARNOLD WHITE. He read it. He was +so terrified that he expired from heart failure. That sounds to you +incredible, but real life is often incredible. That is one of the +discoveries of our Society. + +"I will give you a more remarkable instance still. A well-to-do +gentleman with the same birthday, whose case we have recorded in +our journals, is now, though perfectly healthy, bed-ridden under the +following amazing circumstances. He accidentally discovered that his +tailor, who had clothed him since boyhood, was an anarchist. After +this he was afraid to have any further dealings with the man, while, +on the other hand, he lacked sufficient courage to face the ordeal +of being fitted by a fresh tailor. For some time he used to sit up at +night and secretly sew patches into his trousers. Naturally this could +not go on for ever, and at last, when his garments were dropping to +pieces, he had to take to his bed.... You smile, Sir. Perhaps you +think I am exaggerating?" + +His eyes flashed and his voice vibrated with such anger that I jumped +six inches out of my seat. + +"Not at all--not at all," I stammered. "Only it occurred to +me--er--that he might have--er--b-bought them ready-made." + +"Your knowledge of human nature must be singularly slight," replied +the other icily, "if you imagine that a man without sufficient courage +to be fitted by a tailor would be brave enough to wear ready-made +clothes." + +"It seems to me, Sir," said Dean, coming to the rescue, "that your two +instances prove little, if anything. They may be mere coincidence." + +The stranger leaned forward, frowned heavily and wagged his forefinger +at Dean, who wilted visibly. + +"The Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon +Character," he said, "does not seek to build up a theory upon +isolated and arbitrarily selected examples. We deal with the subject +scientifically. To continue with this date, February 29th. After +several cases similar to those I have recounted had come to our +notice, we made out a list of two hundred and fifty men born on +this day. To each of them we sent a representative to ask for a +subscription to the Society. Though they had never heard of it before, +_every one of those two hundred and fifty was easily intimidated into +subscribing._ + +"Now let us consider another date--March 3rd. Several striking +instances had led us to suspect that a person born on March 3rd comes +into the world with an ineradicable passion for gambling. I will give +you just one of these. A gentleman one day imagined he was seriously +ill and called in a doctor. The latter laughed at his fears and +offered to bet him that he would live to be seventy. The temptation +was too great. The gambler closed with the offer, and on the eve of +his seventieth birthday drowned himself." + +At this point Empson sniggered audibly. The speaker turned his head +and fixed his terrifying glance upon the delinquent. Poor Empson grew +very red, and endeavoured to cover his lapse by coughing noisily. The +other waited patiently till he had finished. + +"Perhaps you wish to say something, Sir," he remarked coldly. + +"N-no," said Empson. "Most interesting." + +The President made a gesture which indicated that Empson was beneath +contempt and renewed his discourse. + +"Continuing the same method of research," he said, "we compiled a list +of nearly four hundred persons born on March 3rd. To each of these we +sent particulars of a Derby Sweepstake. _Every one of them, gentlemen, +applied for a ticket by return of post._" + +There was an impressive pause. The President looked round the carriage +defiantly as if challenging suspicion. + +"One of our tests with regard to to-day's date--liars' day," he +continued presently, "was rather amusing. We hired a room in the City +for a week and sent out over three hundred letters to persons born +on that day. Our notepaper was headed, 'Short, Stay and Hoppett, +Solicitors,' and the letters were in identical terms. They said that +we had been endeavouring for some time to trace the relatives of one +Davy Jones, who, after acquiring a large fortune in Australia, had +died intestate, and we had that morning been given to understand that +the gentleman with whom we wore corresponding was a nephew of the +deceased, etc., etc. You guess what happened. _Every one of them +without exception claimed as his uncle this millionaire who never +existed._" + +The train began to slow down, and the President rose to his feet. + +"I get out here," he said. "I'm sorry. I should like to have +discussed the subject further. You, Sir"--he pointed threateningly at +Ferguson--"will doubtless in future refrain from blaming Mr. ---- for +a failing for which, as you see, he is in no way responsible." + +Ferguson quaked and said nothing. + +The President brushed up his moustache still higher and looked round +in triumph. All of us were completely cowed--all of us, except little +Windsor. + +"Just a moment, Sir," said the latter gently. "Before you leave us +will you kindly accept this?" + +He took out his tie-pin and laid it in the other's hand. + +For the first time the burly one's confidence deserted him. He +reddened slightly and looked embarrassed. + +"It's very kind of you," he said, "but really I--I don't quite +understand." + +"It's a birthday present for you," said Windsor sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Humorous Artist._ "I'VE BROUGHT YOU AN ORIGINAL FUNNY +JOKE THIS TIME. A FRIEND OF MINE THOUGHT OF IT." + +_Editor_ (after reading it). "YES, IT _IS_ FUNNY; BUT I PREFER THE +DRAWING THAT WAS PUBLISHED WITH IT IN THE 'SEVENTIES!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Three numbers of _The South Polar Times_ were brought out at Cape +Evans, the winter quarters of Captain SCOTT, during 1911. Mr. APSLEY +CHERRY-GARRARD, the editor, has now presented them to a wider circle +under the auspices of SMITH, ELDER, hoping that they will prove "a +source of interest and pleasure to the friends of the expedition." He +need have no fears. Of course a paper produced under such conditions +is in its nature esoteric, and many of its jokes are lost if you +"don't know Jimson." But if you have previously read _Scott's Last +Expedition_ then you _will_ "know Jimson"; you will feel that every +man at Cape Evans in 1911 was a personal friend of yours, and you +will be delighted with this facsimile reproduction of the paper which +delighted them. Personally I cannot read or see too much of the men +who are my heroes; and in a world where an ordinary school-girl is +allowed twenty-seven photographs of Mr. LEWIS WALLER I shall not +consider myself surfeited with two caricatures and a humorous +character-sketch of Lieutenant BOWERS. But there are contributions to +_The South Polar Times_ which have an interest other than the merely +personal. Mr. GRIFFITH TAYLOR, a tower of strength on the literary +side, is really funny in _The Bipes_--a paper (on the wingless bipeds +of Cape Evans) supposed to have been read by OATES' escaped rabbit to +the Royal Society of Rabbits. Mr. TAYLOR, as a recorder of history in +_Scott's Last Expedition_, was, I thought, a little too familiar; in +these and other articles he is much more at home. But it is upon +Dr. WILSON's pictures (both serious and comic) that _The South Polar +Times_ can most justly pride itself. I envy Mr. CHERRY-GARRARD so +prolific and brilliant a contributor. Still more I envy him (and all +his colleagues at Cape Evans) the knowledge of such a man. The more I +get to know of "BILL" WILSON, the more I understand that he was of +the very salt of the earth--a man to love whom was indeed a liberal +education, and to be loved by whom was a passport to the little +company of the elect. + + *** + +When _John Barleycorn_ (MILLS AND BOON) came my way, I noticed that +the publishers had shown a reticence, unusual in these days, on the +outside paper cover; they didn't say a word as to the quality or +character of the contents. They had three good reasons: first, given +the name of JACK LONDON, there was no need of further advertisement or +lure; second, if they had started describing the book they would have +been unable to say with strict truth that it was or was not a novel, +for it isn't and it is; third, and best, they couldn't, as honest men, +have avoided mentioning that it is in a way a sermon on alcoholism, +and that, being said, might have acted as a deterrent, unless they +had explained (as they wouldn't have had room to do) how and why, when +they said "sermon," they didn't really mean "sermon." So they lay low +and said nothing, and I almost wish I had done the same, for no one +who has the lightest interest, practical or theoretical, in John +Barleycorn ought to be put off these alcoholic memoirs. The diarist +purports to have been first drunk at the age of five, again at the +age of seven, almost perpetually for a spell of years from the age of +fifteen, and yet to have taken over a quarter of a century to acquire +a liking for alcohol. That sounds odd, but is not unique. Not only +in California and not only in the lower grades of society, is +Youth, vigorous and unspoilt, bound to acquire the taste if it would +foregather on lively and intimate terms with its fellows; and not only +in the saloons of the Oakland water-front are fine youngsters drinking +themselves permanently silly because it is their only way of being men +among men, jolly good fellows among jolly good fellows. A sound enough +text for any sermon; and, I may honestly add, a sound enough sermon +for any text, with a strong smell of the sea and of adventure about +it. But I ask myself for what purpose the photograph of Mr. and Mrs. +JACK LONDON is inserted as a frontispiece? As well, I think, have had +a portrait of Mr. MILLS, with Mr. BOON inset. + + *** + +Isn't _The Youngest World_ (BELL) an engaging title for a book? It +caught my interest at once. I am not altogether sure that the story +itself is as good as its name, but that still leaves a margin of +quality, and I for one have enjoyed it greatly--in patches. Let Mr. +ROBERT DUNN not too hastily condemn me if I say that he has written +a fatiguing tale. Partly I mean this as a high compliment. The +descriptions of hardships borne and physical difficulties overcome by +his hero are so vivid that they convey a sensation of actual bodily +strain in a manner that only one other living writer can equal. There +are chapters in the book that leave one aching all over. So long, +in fact, as Mr. DUNN's characters are content to do things, to climb +mountains, to ford rivers, to endure hunger and cold and weariness, I +am in close bodily sympathy with them; it is when they begin to talk +and to explain their mental states that my keenness is threatened by +another and less pleasing fatigue. It is not that the scope of the +story--a man's regeneration by love and hardship--isn't a good one: +quite the contrary. It is that I simply do not believe that human +beings, especially those that figure in this book, would ever talk +about themselves in this particular way. "In the name of our own +blood," she uttered softly, "of Love, the Future, and Victory...." +That is a random sentence from the last page, and very typical of Mr. +DUNN's dialogue. It is full of gracious qualities, thoughtful, and +throughout on a high literary level, but as a realistic transcription +of frontier talk it leaves me incredulous. Still the setting, I +repeat, is quite wonderful. You shall read the chapters that tell +of _Gail's_ ascent of Mount Lincoln, and see if they don't stir your +blood, especially where he reaches the top, alone (and therefore +unable to talk), and sees the world at his feet. You will exult in +this. + + *** + +Mr. VICTOR BRIDGES has a very versatile pen and in most of the +twenty-one pieces of _Jetsam_ (MILLS AND BOON) which he has recovered +from the waves of monthly magazines and elsewhere there is a certain +amount of material for mirth. I do not however find him a startlingly +original humorist, whether on the river Thames, where he seems to +follow in the wake of Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, or in a Chelsea "pub," +where his manners are reminiscent of the characters of Messrs. W. +W. JACOBS and MORTON HOWARD. Again, in the story called "The First +Marathon" (where, by the way, he states that "It is true that the word +'Marathon' was first used in connection with the old Olympian games," +which seems a little unfair to MILTIADES), the fun mainly depends +on the use of such phrases as "Spoo-fer," "King Kod," and the +"Can't-stik-you-shun-all Club." Other stories are of the adventurous +or romantic type sacred to serial fiction, no fewer than three dealing +with escaped convicts on Dartmoor, and one (the first in the book) +describing the chance meeting of a man and a pretty girl on an +uninhabited island off the West Coast of Scotland. Here, for some +reason or other, the man insisted on calling his charming and unknown +companion _Astarte_, a name which, if I had been in her place, I +should have been inclined to resent. But Mr. BRIDGES' dialogue +is nearly always bright, and his knowledge of the machinery of +yarn-spinning excellent. There is just one other point however which +I should like to mention. The book includes a brand-new Russian +wolf-story, in which the heroes protect themselves from the bites of +these ferocious quadrupeds by putting on armour, which they find in +a deserted house. I don't object to that; but, when they leave the +railway line along which they have been travelling and plunge into a +forest-path they come to a place where the route forks and cannot make +out which of the two roads will be more likely to lead them back to +the railway. I do not feel that these men were the sort of people to +be trusted to wander by themselves in a desolate Siberian anecdote. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CADDIE WHO SAW THE FAIRIES.] + + * * * * * + +Our New Masters. + + _The KING can do no wrong._ Of late + So ran the law; but, when to-day + Kinglike he seeks to serve the State, + Our super-monarchs frown and say: + _The KING can do no right--unless + By leave of half the Liberal Press._ + + * * * * * + +The Light-weight Angler. + + "Weighing 6 lbs. 7 oz., Mr. T. Snelgrove caught a golden + carp whilst fishing in the mill pond at Addlestone, + Surrey."--_People._ + + * * * * * + + "He has slept ... nearly 365 days on board the Admiralty + yacht." + +This, from a _Daily Mail_ article in praise of WINSTON, is no doubt +meant kindly. + + * * * * * + + "C. E. Cox begs to announce that he is now prepared to drill + wells, for water, gas, oil, cash or old clothes."_Red Deer + Advocate._ + +For cash is our choice. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +In "The Young of the Sea-Serpent" (page 109), the original text read, +"So shall the rising generation learn the merits of the strong right +arm that has make England what it is." + +In "An Error in Arcady" (page 116), the circumflex in "vice versâ" has +been retained from the original, but "shrubberries" has been replaced +with "shrubberies". + +In "The Light-weight Angler" (page 120), "Addlestont" has been changed +to "Addlestone". + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, July 29, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 25860-8.txt or 25860-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/8/6/25860/ + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 29, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 20, 2008 [EBook #25860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<pre> + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 147.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>July 29th, 1914.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span></p> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Signor <span class="sc">Ulvi</span>, the inventor of +“F” rays. He is said to have eloped from Florence with an Admiral’s +daughter. This was not discovered until Signor <span class="sc">Ulvi</span> had got well away, +and his claim to be able to cause explosions at a distance would now +seem to be established.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>General <span class="sc">Huerta</span> is said to have taken with him on his flight securities +to the amount of £1,200,000. Even so it is typical of the grasping +nature of the man that he complained of having to leave Mexico City +behind.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A storm of indignation has been raised in Berlin by an order +(instigated, it is said, in a very high quarter) that all <i>cafés</i> must +close at 2 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> A petition is being circulated which points out that +this order will kill Berlin’s tourist traffic, “as the night life of the +city is the only attraction for visitors.” This implication that a +certain exalted personage is not among the local attractions seems to us +to amount almost to <i>lèse-majesté</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>When Lieutenant <span class="sc">Porte</span>’s water-plane, “The America,” refused to rise, he +should have tried changing its name to “The South America.”</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Buckinghamshire Territorials, under their new commandant, Colonel +<span class="sc">Wethered</span>, are going in for chorus-singing practice. This is a good idea. +Sung badly enough, these choruses should prove a valuable weapon against +a musical foe, such as the Germans.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Owing to an outbreak of mumps at Harrow School the summer term has had +to close some days earlier than usual. It is characteristic of the +generous nature of the Harrow boys that, in spite of this annoying +interruption of their studies, there has been very little open +expression of resentment against those who introduced the ailment.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Coventry’s annual Lady Godiva procession took place last week, and was a +success. It is feared, however, that with the advance of fashion the +principal character—who on this occasion was attired in pink fleshings +draped with white chiffon—will be voted overdressed and so fail to +attract.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>“To be well booted,” says <i>The Times</i>, “is to feel well dressed, at the +top of one’s power and joy.” A small boy, however, who was well booted +by a larger boy the other day admits that he received a good dressing, +but holds that, apart from this, <i>The Times</i> was misinformed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The announcement that in the course of excavations on the site of the +old General Post Office in St. Martin’s-le-Grand, some old Roman tile +stamps have been discovered, has caused, we hear, a profound sensation +in philatelic circles.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Exceptionally rough weather is reported from the Bay of Biscay, and it +is said that on a certain passenger vessel even the valet of a +well-known nobleman was ill, <i>although he was an old retainer.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>“Fishing with rod and line from a boat in the Downs at Deal,” says <i>The +Daily Mail</i>, “Lord <span class="sc">Herschell</span> and a friend caught 600 fish on Sunday. The +fish, mostly pouting, were hauled in three and four at a time.” We +suspect they were pouting to show their annoyance at having their +Sabbath rest disturbed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is proposed in an L.C.C. report that barges should be used as +open-air schools on the river. Schools of language, presumably.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are asked to deny that the fire which broke out at the bookstall at +the Hampstead station of the North London Railway last week was produced +spontaneously by a copy of one of <span class="sc">Miss Victoria Cross</span>’s novels.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/101.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/101.jpg" +alt="I’ve got me eye on yer!" /></a> +<p><i>Bather.</i> “<span class="sc">I say! I say! The current is frightfully +strong; I’m being carried out.</span>”</p> +<p><i>Bathing Attendant.</i> “<span class="sc">All right, Sir, all right! +I’ve got me eye on yer!</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span></p> + +<h2>THE USES OF OCEAN.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Lines written in an irresponsible holiday mood.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>To people who allege that we</p> +<p>Incline to overrate the Sea,</p> +<p class="i2">I answer, “We do not;</p> +<p>Apart from being coloured blue,</p> +<p>It has its uses not a few—</p> +<p>I cannot think what we should do</p> +<p class="i2">If ever ‘the deep did rot.’”</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Take ships, for instance. You will note</p> +<p>That, lacking stuff on which to float,</p> +<p class="i2">They could not get about;</p> +<p>Dreadnought and liner, smack and yawl,</p> +<p>And other types that you’ll recall—</p> +<p>They simply could not sail at all</p> +<p class="i2">If Ocean once gave out.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And see the trouble which it saves</p> +<p>To islands; but for all those waves</p> +<p class="i2">That made us what we are—</p> +<p>But for their help so kindly lent,</p> +<p>Teutons could march right through to Kent</p> +<p>And never need to circumvent</p> +<p class="i2">A single British tar.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Take fish, again. I have in mind</p> +<p>No better field that they could find</p> +<p class="i2">For exercise and sport;</p> +<p>How would the whale, I want to know,</p> +<p>The blubbery whale contrive to blow;</p> +<p>Where would your playful kipper go</p> +<p class="i2">If the supply ran short?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And hence we rank the Ocean high;</p> +<p>But there are privy reasons why</p> +<p class="i2">Its praise is on my lip:</p> +<p>I deem it, when my heart is set</p> +<p>On walking into something wet,</p> +<p>The nicest medium I have met</p> +<p class="i2">In which to take a dip.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, speed the hour already fixed</p> +<p>When, mid the bathers (freely mixed),</p> +<p class="i2">In a polite costume</p> +<p>I mean to plunge beneath the spray</p> +<p>And, washing from a soul at play</p> +<p>The City’s stain—three times a day—</p> +<p class="i2">Restore its vernal bloom.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Rocked like a babe upon the brine</p> +<p>It is my dream to float supine</p> +<p class="i2">And to the vast inane</p> +<p>Banish awhile from off my chest</p> +<p>The cares that hold it now obsessed,</p> +<p>And even take a clean-cut rest</p> +<p class="i2">From Ulster-on-the-brain.</p> + </div> +<p class="midauthor">O. S.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Best Holiday Insurance.</h3> + +<p><i>Mr. Punch</i> ventures to hint to the gentlest among his readers that, +while there are excellent methods of insuring against the disturbance of +their holidays by accident or bad weather, the best way for them to +insure happiness is to offer a share of it to those who cannot afford a +holiday of their own. The very easy sum of <span class="sc">Ten Shillings</span> means a +Fortnight among green fields or by the sea for one poor child, if the +gift is sent—and now is the moment—to the Earl of <span class="sc">Arran</span>, Hon. +Treasurer of the Children’s Country Holiday Fund, 18, Buckingham Street, +Strand, W.C.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE CRISIS.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> + [“Lord Macaulay’s prose seems to be finding favour + again.”—<i>Oshkosh Sentinel.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The place, too, was well fitted for such a gathering. Memories of +departed monarchs spoke from the rich hangings of the room in tones that +were not less eloquent for being silent. Here the <span class="sc">First Gentleman of +Europe</span> had displayed the rounded symmetry of those calves which had +defied the serried legions of the French and, in their lighter moments, +had captured the wayward fancies of the fair or mitigated the harshness +of a statesman. This was the chamber where the <span class="sc">Sailor King</span>, bluff but +not undignified, had jested with his intimates, had smoothed a frown +from the rugged brow of <span class="sc">Wellington</span> or held his own against the eagle +glance of <span class="sc">Grey</span>; the chamber where the great <span class="sc">Queen</span>, conscious of her +august destiny, had consecrated to grief such moments as could be spared +from the needs of Empire; the chamber where her son had laboured for +peace and extended the bounds of friendship; the chamber where a +<span class="sc">Disraeli</span>, repaying scorn with scorn, may have spread his snares, and a +<span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, overwhelmed by the torrent of his own eloquence, may have +fallen into them.</p> + +<p>Nothing was wanting to complete the solemnity of the spectacle. Outside, +the scarlet-coated sentries paced rigidly on their accustomed rounds, +and the populace, hemmed in by the strong arms and the panting forms of +the constabulary, cheered to the echo its favourites or exchanged with +one another the harmless sallies that give pleasure to a crowd. Within, +the <span class="sc">King</span> himself, his face now clouded with anxious thought, now lit +with hope, gave a cordial welcome to the more unwonted of the guests he +had summoned to his presence, while busy courtiers filled the corridors +with an importance which lost nothing in weight from being unwarranted +by knowledge or experience. Lackeys in the gorgeous liveries of the most +brilliant Court in Europe were in attendance, ready to minister to those +whose failing strength might need refreshment, or to execute with +intelligence and despatch the humbler duties pertaining to their office.</p> + +<p>Nor were the chiefs unworthy of the scene to which they had been called. +There was the Speaker, <span class="sc">Lowther</span>, his brow beaming with the good-humour +which enabled him to abate pomposity without injuring the feelings even +of the pompous, and to calm with a happy phrase the agitated waters of +debate. There were <span class="sc">Asquith</span>, strong in the affection of his friends, and +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, braced to action by the invectives of his foes. There were +<span class="sc">Law</span> and <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>, staunch defenders of the citadel in which the last of +the Tories, stern and unbending as ever, had sought refuge. Waterford +had sent <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>, the pride and champion of a nation, the unwearied +vindicator of Ireland’s right to govern herself. Through years of +contumely and depression he had borne aloft her standard, and now, when +her triumph was all but achieved, he was here to watch over a settlement +which all desired, though none hitherto had been able to bring it about. +With him had come <span class="sc">John Dillon</span>, tall, dignified and stately, whose grey +hair and admirable bearing had won the respect and conciliated the +temper of the most fastidious assembly in the world. Arrayed against +these two, sons of Ireland no less than they, were <span class="sc">Carson</span> and <span class="sc">Craig</span>; +<span class="sc">Carson</span> with his saturnine face and his swift and piercing intelligence, +<span class="sc">Craig</span> of the burly form and uncompliant humour. Vowed to the Orange +cause, and dwelling fondly on memories of the Boyne, they denounced with +equal severity the religion of Rome and the political aspirations of the +majority of their fellow-countrymen. Such were the men who were now met +to decide the most momentous issue of our time.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" id="page103"></a>[pg 103]<br /> +<a name="page104" id="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/103.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/103.jpg" +alt="The Power Behind." /></a> +<h3>THE POWER BEHIND.</h3> +<p><span class="sc">Austria</span> (<i>at the ultimatum stage</i>). “I DON’T QUITE LIKE HIS ATTITUDE. +SOMEBODY MUST BE BACKING HIM.”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/105.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/105.jpg" +alt="Glossomancy." /></a> +<p><span class="sc">Glossomancy is the new science which enables you to read +people’s characters by the shape and size of their tongues. The above +candidate for the position of parlour-maid is in the act of responding +to an inquiry as to whether she is honest, industrious, good-tempered, +truthful and obliging. There is fear that her action, though purely +scientific, may prove fatal to the intelligent girl’s chances.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MUTABILITY.</h2> + +<p>“And now,” I said, while the waiter was bringing the bill, “where would +you like to go?”</p> + +<p>“I don’t mind,” he said. “What about a music-hall? I haven’t seen one +for twenty years. There’s a cinema about five miles from my place, but +it’s too dear. Only the millionaires can use it.”</p> + +<p>“Very well, then,” I said, “we’ll go to a music-hall; but you’ll find +that they’ve changed a bit.”</p> + +<p>“I don’t mind,” he said, “so long as there’s something good. There’s so +much variety in a music-hall, one turn after another, don’t you know, +that you can’t go far wrong.”</p> + +<p>My spirits sank. East Africa had kept his youth in camphor, and he had +no knowledge of the wonderful advances that we have been making. Turns +indeed!</p> + +<p>“I’ll do the best I can for you,” I said, “but I’m afraid you’ll be +disappointed.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, no,” he assured me stoutly, “not in a music-hall. I’ve been wanting +to see one again for years. I suppose Jimmy Fawn isn’t still going?”</p> + +<p>My spirits fell lower.</p> + +<p>We went to one of the regular places, and, as I had feared, found a +revue in full blast. Topical talk, scenery and American songs +interminably. Every time a new person came on the stage my friend +eagerly perked up and lost his depression, hoping that at last it might +be one of his old delights—a juggler or knockabout or something like +that—but always he was disappointed.</p> + +<p>“I say, where are we?” he asked. “This isn’t a music-hall, is it?”</p> + +<p>“One of the best,” I replied.</p> + +<p>He looked round in dismay.</p> + +<p>“But where are the waiters?” he asked.</p> + +<p>“Not allowed among the audience any more,” I told him; “in fact, some +music-halls don’t even have licences.”</p> + +<p>He stared at me in astonishment and sank into apathy. Coming up again he +said, “Do you remember those two fellows with enormous stomachs and +hooked sticks? They were funny, if you like. Don’t you have that sort of +thing any more?”</p> + +<p>“No,” I said.</p> + +<p>“Do you remember that act,” he said—“I believe it was called the Risley +act—where a man lay on his back, with his legs up in the air, and flung +his family about with his feet? That was jolly clever. Don’t you have +that any more?”</p> + +<p>“No,” I said.</p> + +<p>“And the Sisters something or other,” he said, “dashed pretty girls, who +did everything at the same time—are they gone for ever?”</p> + +<p>“For ever,” I said.</p> + +<p>“And no comic songs either?” he asked.</p> + +<p>“You’ve heard a lot of comic songs this evening,” I replied.</p> + +<p>“Oh, those,” he said. “I don’t call those comic. They’re not comic +songs, they’re comic-opera songs. Don’t you have the others any more?”</p> + +<p>“Not at this kind of hall,” I said. “I daresay there may be a singer or +so left somewhere, with too big a coat and too small a hat, but not +here.”</p> + +<p>“Then what are all the old performers doing?” he asked.</p> + +<p>“I believe they’re starving,” I said.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> + “<span class="sc">A Novel Hospital at Sheffield</span>.”—<i>Yorkshire Post.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Some of them certainly want a bit of doctoring.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span></p> + +<h2>THE PROGRESS OF MAN.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By our Anthropological Expert.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Professor Keith</span>, of the Royal College of Surgeons, reporting on the +skeleton of a prehistoric twelve-year-old boy recently discovered near +Ipswich, pronounces his stature to be much the same as the average +height of a modern boy of the same age, but the size of the head is +remarkably large. The professor states that he and his colleagues are +trying to get hold of people of every period, going as far back as they +can. They will then be able to differentiate the types that lived in any +period, and check the changes that came over them. So far, however, +there has been very little change.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the most striking result of Professor <span class="sc">Keith</span>’s appeal so far has +come from the Isle of Man, where a magnificent three-legged skeleton has +been discovered in the Caves of Bradda. The remains have been pronounced +by Professor Quellin, the famous Manx anthropologist, to be those of a +man not less than 175 years of age, whose facial angle bears so marked a +resemblance to that of Mr. <span class="sc">Hall Caine</span> as to warrant the hypothesis that +he was one of the royal ancestors of the eminent novelist. Close to the +skeleton was a long bronze trumpet, from which Professor Quellin, after +several ineffectual efforts, ultimately succeeded in eliciting a deep +booming note. Mr. <span class="sc">Hall Caine</span>, who has taken the liveliest interest in +the discovery, is at present studying the instrument, and will, it is +hoped, give a recital shortly in the House of Keys.</p> + +<p>The recent excavations at the famous Culbin Sands, undertaken by the +Forres Antiquarian Institute, have also resulted in some remarkable +finds. Prominent among these is a complete set of golf clubs belonging +to the Bronze period. In regard to length the clubs are very much the +same as the average implements used at the present day, but the large +size of the heads is remarkable, the niblick weighing nearly half a +hundredweight. It is plausibly inferred that clubs of this pattern may +also have been used as weapons, as the dwellers in this district in the +Bronze period are known to have been of a warlike and tumultuous +disposition. The game is believed to have been introduced by some +Maccabæan settlers, the ancestors of the clan of Macbeth, who flourished +in the vicinity.</p> + +<p>In that fine spirit of enterprise which has always characterised <i>The +Daily Lyre</i>, the proprietors of that periodical have offered a prize of +£5,000 for the most characteristic relic of ancient and modern British +civilization, to be sent in by October 1. Already several notable +exhibits have been forwarded for the competition. Mr. Ronald McLurkin, +of Tain, has submitted portions of the boiler of an ancient locomotive, +apparently used on the Highland Railway in the time of the Boer War. Dr. +Edgar Hollam, of Brancaster, has sent a fine specimen of a fossilised +Norfolk biffin, and Miss Sheila Muldooney, of Skibbereen, a copy of <i>The +Skibbereen Eagle</i> containing the historic announcement that it had its +eye on the Tsar of <span class="sc">Russia</span>. Sir <span class="sc">George Alexander</span> sends a daguerreotype of +himself in knickerbockers with side whiskers and moustache, and Mr. +<span class="sc">Bernard Shaw</span> the first interview with himself that he ever wrote. It +appeared in <i>The Freeman’s Journal</i> in the “seventies” and is +illustrated with six portraits, in one of which Mr. <span class="sc">Shaw</span> appears in an +Eton suit and a tall hat, “the only one I ever possessed.”</p> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Henry Howarth</span> has forwarded a copy of <i>The Times</i> containing his +first contribution to that journal, a letter occupying a +column-and-a-half of small print, on the mammoth as a domestic pet in +the Court of the early Moghul Emperors. Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> competes +with an essay which he wrote, while a schoolboy at Harrow, on the +dangers of Democracy; and Master <span class="sc">Anthony Asquith</span> has sent the rough +notes of a Lecture on “The Balliol Manner” which he delivered many years +ago before a select audience at Claridge’s. The contrast in form and +thought between this crude essay and his recent lectures on the +mysticism of <span class="sc">Rabindranath Tagore</span> is quite amazing. We may also briefly +note the MS. version of an early sonnet by Mr. <span class="sc">Edmund Gosse</span>, addressed +to Sir <span class="sc">Sidney Lee</span>; several safety-pins and a sponge-bag which once +belonged to <span class="sc">Charlotte Brontë</span> and are now entered for the competition by +Mr. <span class="sc">Clement Shorter</span>; and a hot-water bottle used by <span class="sc">S. T. Coleridge</span> when +he was writing “The Ancient Mariner,” now in the possession of Sir +<span class="sc">Herbert Beerbohm Tree</span>.</p> + +<p>The interesting point that emerges so far is that while little change is +observable in the physique, habits and manners of the British, as +illustrated by these relics, up to the last ten years or so, the +development in every direction, since the foundation of <i>The Daily +Lyre</i>, has been quite extraordinarily rapid and pronounced. For +instance, a cast of the head of a modern “nut” shows a compactness which +compares most favourably with the overgrown cranium of the prehistoric +boy reported on by Professor <span class="sc">Keith</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter50"> +<a href="images/106.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/106.jpg" +alt="Want my autograph?" /></a> +<p><i>The Captain of the Preparatory School.</i> “<span class="sc">Well, +youngster, what is it? Want my autograph?</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> + “To-day there are 2,000,000 muskrats in Bohemia, and, like rabbits + in Australia, they are spreading all over the fruitful regions of + the province and destroying fish in the breeding ponds.”—<i>Daily + Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>You should see our rabbit destroying our trout.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “She was a flesh and blood woman, fit to be the mother of husky + sons.”—<i>“Daily Sketch” feuilleton.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>They would constantly rise up and call her blessed, and this would +account for their hoarseness. (Jones’s jujubes are the best.)</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “The sturgeon ... consists of fish, flesh, and fowl, the latter + part commanding a good saleable price.”—<i>Carlisle Journal.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The wings are particularly tender.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Fashions for Men.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> + “Lord Salisbury came with Lady Beatrice Ormsby-Gore, wearing blue + charmeuse.”—<i>Daily Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/107.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/107.jpg" +alt="A drop o’ beer." /></a> +<p><i>Village Worthy.</i> “<span class="sc">Ah, I used to be as fond of a drop o’ +beer as anyone, but nowadays if I do take two or dree gallons it do +knock I over!</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR COLOSSAL ARRANGEMENTS.</h2> + +<p>One of the most appalling scandals of modern times is the disgraceful +suppression by the Ginger-beer Press of news relating to the state of +affairs in the Isle of Wight. For some weeks we have not flinched from +filling our columns with picturesque accounts of the epoch-making events +taking place there; and yet the Ginger-beer Press has cruelly put off +its readers with the scantiest details, or else refrained from any sort +of reference. We make our protest all the more vigorously because many +of those readers have been driven to read our own journal in preference +to the erroneous and misleading sheets to which we have referred.</p> + +<p>This distressing state of things has forced us to make the fullest +arrangements for a constant stream of news to be supplied from our +branch offices at Ventnor, Totland Bay, the Needles, and other points of +the Island. We have despatched a huge staff of world-famous war +correspondents, descriptive writers, poets, photographers, Royal Academy +artists, gallopers, commissariat officers, and trained bloodhounds. +Field kitchens, field wireless equipment, and field glasses are included +among their impedimenta, and no single message will be printed in our +pages that has not been sent in some other way than through the ordinary +channels of the post, telephone and telegraph. Each member of this army +of artists, littérateurs and tacticians possesses a hip pocket, fully +loaded, two pairs of puttees, a compass and a wrist watch.</p> + +<p>Every day scores of women and children are leaving the Isle of Wight for +the mainland. Gunboats and cruisers are passing and repassing before its +shores, by order of the Admiralty; strong, silent men are doggedly +pursuing the business they have in hand. In the very heart of the island +some of the flower of the youth of our country is being trained in the +art of naval warfare, while the thunders of gun-practice are heard every +hour around the coast. Yet, search where you will in the Ginger-beer +Press during the last few weeks, you will find practically no reference +to these things.</p> + +<p>We implore our readers, on the highest patriotic grounds, to inform the +few remaining adherents of the Ginger-beer Press that if they desire the +Truth it can be found only in our pages.</p> + +<p>We have the pleasure of printing below the first of the astonishing +articles which have been sent already from our Expeditionary Staff:—</p> + +<h3>THE PRELIMINARY CALM.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>By Blinton X. Krapt.</i></p> + +<p>The streets of Cowes are bathed in sunlight. Smart yachtsmen, +accompanied by daintily dressed ladies, walk hither and thither. The +shopkeepers chat pleasantly. The burly policeman drowsily pursues his +way. Children shout happily. Surely here is peace, says the unsuspecting +visitor.</p> + +<p>A brown-faced man with a light beard and a heavy tread approached us. +“It is all right,” said my companion to him; “this gentleman is a +friend.” Then, lowering his voice, he added: “<i>He came over last +night.</i>” “Beautiful place, Cowes, isn’t it?” said the bronzed man. I +noticed that his hip pocket bulged. Yet none would have suspected that +his conversation was not of a perfectly ordinary character.</p> + +<p>Entering the most sumptuous hotel in Cowes we had lunch. There was +nothing sinister about the place except that the waiters were German. +But I noted signs of understanding between them and my friend. “I have +been here before,” he explained, with a quick glance about him.</p> + +<p>So life goes on from day to day. We are waiting, waiting. The little +boot-maker in his shop is waiting. The tailor is waiting. The hotel +staffs are waiting. The passengers on the railway platforms are waiting. +On the surface life is gay and free from care; but what I may have to +tell you when it comes round to my turn to write again, who can say?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span></p> + +<h2>THE TOP SLICE.</h2> + +<h3>I.</h3> + +<div class="address"> +<p class="center">Letter from Mrs. Gregory-Browne to Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe.</p> +<p>Upper Tooting,</p> +<p>21st July, 1914.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="sc">My dearest Agatha</span>,—I must tell you about an extraordinary occurrence. +They were all quite respectable people, indeed most respectable. Perhaps +I ought not to include Mr. Jones. He is, you know (I mention this in the +strictest confidence, dearest), he is not—well, you know, he hardly +belongs to our set. I cannot understand why James is so absurdly fond of +him.</p> + +<p>It was my At Home day last week and quite a lot of people, really nice +people too, came in spite of the heat. The heat may have had something +to do with it, but I really cannot think what it was.</p> + +<p>I handed a plate of bread-and-butter to Miss Niccole. To my surprise she +hesitated a moment and then took the plate and handed it to me. When I +declined she offered it to Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson. You know, +dear, she is fourth cousin to a baronet. Then the extraordinary thing +occurred. Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson took the plate and offered it to +Miss Niccole. When Miss Niccole declined it she offered it to Mr. +Wildegoose (pronounced Wildergos, you know, dear). Then it was his turn. +And so it went on. Really, it was most extraordinary. Nothing like it +has ever been known in our family. I really cannot understand it.</p> + +<p>Everybody passed the plate, and at last it came to Mr. Jones. He pointed +at the top piece of bread-and-butter. Yes, he actually pointed. He then +made the following extraordinary remark: “I say, hasn’t this broken +loose from the bread-pudding, what, what?” Thereupon he pushed it on one +side and took the next slice. I was ashamed and mortified for such a +thing to happen in my house. Really, it was most extraordinary.</p> + +<p>Mr. Allen, the new curate, came in just then. He took the top slice, but +I caught him absent-mindedly putting it in a flower-pot. When he saw me +looking at him he blushed and started—started eating it, I mean. +However, he left most of it, and when everyone was gone I examined it. +It was perhaps a little hardened by the sun, but otherwise it was quite +a nice piece of bread-and-butter. I cannot understand it at all. The +whole thing was really most extraordinary ... most extraordinary.</p> + +<p class="center">Your ever loving <span class="sc">Sarah</span>.</p> + +<h3>II.</h3> + +<div class="address"> +<p class="center">Letter from Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe to Mrs. Gregory-Browne.</p> +<p>Chiswick,</p> +<p>2nd July, 1914.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="sc">My dearest Sarah</span>,—I have just read your most interesting letter, and I +quite agree that the whole occurrence was, as you say, most +extraordinary. I mentioned it to George. He says he has no doubt at all +that it was really a sound piece of bread-and-butter. I don’t know +whether the enclosed cutting will help you to understand, but I am +sending it. It is from last Saturday’s <i>Tooting Argus</i>. Somebody sent it +to George.</p> + +<p class="center">Your loving <span class="sc">Agatha</span>.</p> + +<h3>III.</h3> + +<p class="center">Extract from <i>The Tooting Argus:</i>—</p> + +<h4>GREAT NEW FEATURE.</h4> +<h5>PROBLEMS OF CONDUCT.</h5> +<p class="center">(<span class="sc">Conducted by Reginald Augustus +Plantagenet-Harris</span>.)</p> + +<p><i>Problem 3.</i>—A. is paying a call. His hostess offers him +bread-and-butter. He notices that the top piece has suffered from the +heat. What should A. do?</p> + +<p>Answer adjudged correct.—A. should politely take the plate from his +hostess, murmuring, “May I offer it to you?” If she refuses he should +offer it to his nearest neighbour. When the offending slice has been got +rid of in this way he can help himself to the next slice and then return +the plate to its owner.</p> + +<p>Highly commended.—A. should explain to his hostess that he has a +peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices of bread-and-butter from the +houses of the great. His collection of Royal Family slices is +unrivalled. Might he have the pleasure and honour of adding to his +collection this dainty specimen? He should then reverently fold the +slice in two and place it in his breast-pocket.</p> + +<p>[Our only objection to this is that it seems a rather greasy thing to do.]</p> + +<p>Incorrect answers:—(1) A. should make a facetious remark, such as, +“Hasn’t this escaped from the bread pudding?” He should then playfully +but firmly push the slice aside and trust to luck on the next.</p> + +<p>(2) A. must out of courtesy to his hostess accept thankfully whatever +she places before him. Any other course of conduct would be an affront. +It now however becomes his personal property and he can adopt whichever +of the following courses is most convenient—</p> + +<p>(<i>a</i>) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot or in the gramophone.</p> + +<p>(<i>b</i>) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the +dog may get it.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Note</span>.—If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, “I cannot understand +how any animal can decline such delightful bread-and-butter.” He can +then openly dispose of it in the grate or the waste-paper-basket on the +ground that the dog’s nose has vitiated its freshness.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LOVE’S LABOUR WELL LOST.</h2> + +<p class="center">[<i>Lines inspired by a dark lady, who remarked</i>, à propos <i>of a recent +disaster, that all fair girls were untrustworthy.</i>]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Phyllis hath a roving eye,</p> +<p class="i2">Palest blue—a candid feature</p> +<p>Which informs the passer-by</p> +<p class="i2">Phyllis is a flighty creature;</p> +<p>Golden locks and fair complexion</p> +<p>Also point in that direction.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I, who had arranged to be</p> +<p class="i2">Joined to Phyllis by the vicar,</p> +<p>Now that she has jilted me</p> +<p class="i2">Scorn to seek relief in liquor.</p> +<p>Or the tears that folk are shedding</p> +<p>(Having missed a swagger wedding).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He who stole my love away</p> +<p class="i2">Cannot hope for long survival,</p> +<p>And I pity him to-day</p> +<p class="i2">As I did a former rival</p> +<p>Who believed her single-hearted</p> +<p>When my own flirtation started.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Journalistic Touch.</h3> + +<h4>I.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> + “The Imperial yacht with the Tsar and Imperial Family on board + steamed through the British lines yesterday, afterwards lunching on + the British flagship.”—<i>Bombay Chronicle.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>II.</h4> + +<p>Of the Rose Walk at Purley:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> + “Then the material loveliness becomes the diaphanous veil through + which glint realities of which all phenomena are + expressions.”—<i>Croydon Advertiser & Surrey County Reporter.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>III.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> + “His memory and his noble face, and reverend crown of snow, will be + a green spot, and indelibly written in our minds, whilst life + lasts.”—<i>Methodist Recorder.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “The work of restoring the church tower at Cheriton Bishop has been + completed, and Mr. Leach has been completed, and Mr. W. Leach has + entertained the men engaged on the work at tea.”—<i>Western Morning + News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And so everyone is satisfied.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “To-day two Greek documents (one of them dated 88 B.C., and + supposed to be the earliest document on parchment known) will be + sold.”—<i>Daily Graphic.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Scholarly letter-writers before the Christian era were always careful to +put B.C. after the year.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span></p> + +<h2>THE YOUNG OF THE SEA-SERPENT.</h2> + +<p>With the approach of the silly season one’s thoughts turn naturally to +the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets of +authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. An +infinite variety of topics, our representative gathered yesterday, is +now on the eve of discussion, and the quill that cannot find something +to say on at least one of them had better return to its native goose +without delay.</p> + +<p>“Mother of Ten,” we were informed by the courteous editor of <i>The +Halfpenny Bleater</i>, will as usual open that journal’s discussion, and +this year her thoughts have turned to bathing fatalities. “Should Land +Crabs Learn Swimming” is the subject which she (or, to betray an office +secret, he) has selected. Due emphasis on the necessity for university +costume in the case of an affirmative reply to the question will be laid +by “Paterfamilias,” who will contribute the second letter of the series.</p> + +<p><i>The Morning Dip</i> will maintain its reputation for intellectuality with +a spiritual discussion on “Has Life a Double Meaning?” or “Is Existence +a Joke?”—the exact title has not yet been decided. “Constant Reader” +has already bought a penny packet of assorted stationery and charged it +to the office petty cash, and only a really good murder can prevent the +early appearance of his letter. As readers will remember, correct +spelling is a feature of this author’s work.</p> + +<p>In pursuance of its settled policy <i>The Daily Giggle</i> will appeal more +especially to the fair sex. There is more than a touch of pathos in the +signature “Orphan Boy,” which will appear at the foot of his letter on +the subject, “Are First Cousins Kissable?”</p> + +<p>Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in <i>The +Daily Jingo</i>, where “Pro Bono Publico” will lay down his views on “Our +Softening Sinews.” In his well-known style, which is so happy a blend of +public spirit and split infinitives, he will plead for less indulgence +in our dealings with the young. “We are,” he says in his peroration, +which we were privileged to see, “raising up a soft breed, and we shall +live to bitterly rue it. The future of the race is, of course, on the +knees of the gods, but let us determine to also lay it across the knee +of parent and schoolmaster. So shall the rising generation learn the +merits of the strong right arm that has made England what it is.”</p> + +<p>In conjunction with <i>The Perfect Little Lady</i>, which will discuss “The +Highest Type of Man,” the editor of <i>The Brain Pan</i> will throw open his +columns to all those with views on “The Most Attractive Girl.” For the +start he has secured the services of “Virile Englishman,” who will put +aside her knitting to take up the pen in obedience to his commands. <i>The +Perfect Little Lady</i>’s first letter will be contributed by “Sweet +Seventeen,” who has studied her subject by diligent attendance at all +the best boxing matches of the current year.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter50"> +<a href="images/109.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/109.jpg" +alt="What’s this, Daddy?" /></a> +<p><i>Anglo-Indian Child.</i> “<span class="sc">What’s this, Daddy?</span>”</p> +<p><i>Father.</i> “<span class="sc">That’s liver, my dear.</span>”</p> +<p><i>Child.</i> “<span class="sc">Liver! Whose liver?</span>”</p> +<p><i>Father.</i> “<span class="sc">Sheep’s liver.</span>”</p> +<p><i>Child.</i> “<span class="sc">Ah! I wonder what gave <i>it</i> liver!</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> + “‘I do not see why, I do not see why,’ he repeated, rising up and + down.”—<i>The Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We do not see how.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h3>A New Way to Deal with the Cold.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> + “Originally fitted with luxurious saloons and cabins for tourists + to Greenland and Spitzbergen, the Endurance is a very different + ship to-day. Her cabins are being turned into store-rooms and + officers and crew will sleep in odd corners, for two years’ + provisions have to be curried.”—<i>Evening News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “The music of Borodin, the composer of ‘Prince Igor,’ is little + known in England, apart from the Polovtsienne Dances which, owing + to their wind and barbaric character, have been so popular a + feature of the performances of the Russian Ballet.”—<i>Musical + Opinion.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Why drag in the wind? The strings were just as good as the wind when we +were there.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/110.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/110.jpg" +alt="The Girl of the Period." /></a> +<h3>THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD.</h3> +<p><i>New Maid.</i> “<span class="sc">Voilà, Ma’m’selle.</span>”</p> +<p><i>Débutante.</i> “<span class="sc">Heavens, my good girl, that won’t do. Here, give me the +things. Why, half-way across the room no one would see I was made up at +all!</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FACT AND FABLE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>For miles I’d tramped by down and hill;</p> +<p class="i2">With eve I found the happy ending;</p> +<p>All in the sunset, golden chill,</p> +<p class="i2">The collie met me, grave, befriending.</p> +<p>I saw the roof-tree down the vale,</p> +<p class="i2">Brave fields of harvest spread thereunder;</p> +<p>The collie waved a feathery tail</p> +<p class="i2">And led me to the House of Wonder.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Houses, like people, so I’ve thought,</p> +<p class="i2">Bear character upon their faces,</p> +<p>Born of their company and wrought</p> +<p class="i2">Upon by inward gifts and graces:</p> +<p>Here, through the harvest’s gold array</p> +<p class="i2">And evening’s mellow <i>far niente</i>,</p> +<p>Looked kindliness and work-a-day,</p> +<p class="i2">And happy hours and peace and plenty.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And, lo, it seemed the Downs amid</p> +<p class="i2">I’d found a folded bit of Britain,</p> +<p>Laid by in lavender and hid</p> +<p class="i2">The year—let’s say—<i>Tom Jones</i> was written;</p> +<p>An old farm manor-house it is</p> +<p class="i2">With fantails fluttering on the gables,</p> +<p>A place of men and memories</p> +<p class="i2">And solid facts and homespun fables.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For Fact: a fortnight passed me by</p> +<p class="i2">Mid ancient oak and secret panel</p> +<p>And strawberries of late July</p> +<p class="i2">And distant glimpses of the Channel;</p> +<p>Fair morns to wake on—were they not?—</p> +<p class="i2">Full of the pigeons’ coo and cadence,</p> +<p>Each day a page of <span class="sc">Caldecott</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">All cream and flowers and pretty maidens.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For Fable: as I smoked a pipe</p> +<p class="i2">And havered with a black-haired cowman,</p> +<p>Grey-eyed, in that fine Celtic type,</p> +<p class="i2">As much the poet as the ploughman—</p> +<p>“Seems kind of lucky here,” said I;</p> +<p class="i2">“The very ducklings look more downy</p> +<p>Than others do.” He grinned: “An’ why?</p> +<p>May happen, Sir, we feeds a brownie!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>“‘There isn’t many left,’ says you;</p> +<p class="i2">As hearts grow hard the breed gets rarer;</p> +<p>Yet, when he goes, the luck goes too,</p> +<p class="i2">And prices fall and boards be barer;</p> +<p>But if so be you does your part</p> +<p class="i2">An’ feeds him fair and treats folk proper,</p> +<p>Keepin’ for all the kindly heart—</p> +<p class="i2">The lucky Lad’s a certain stopper!”</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<hr class="poem" /> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Well, should you go by Butser way</p> +<p class="i2">And hit the god-sent path, and follow,</p> +<p>You’ll find, at closing of the day,</p> +<p class="i2">The old house in the valley-hollow,</p> +<p>Laid by in lavender, forgot,</p> +<p class="i2">The home of peace and ancient plenty;</p> +<p>A brownie may be there or not—</p> +<p class="i2">The hearts are kind enough for twenty!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Cause and Effect?</h3> + +<blockquote><p> + “Of the five catalpa trees in the Embankment-gardens the finest has + been blighted. The tree is close to the National Liberal + Club.”—<i>Leicester Daily Mercury.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]<br /> +<a name="page112" id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/111.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/111.jpg" +alt="What of the Dawn?" /></a> +<h3>WHAT OF THE DAWN?</h3> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span></p> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/113.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/113.jpg" +alt="Snapshots of certain Members." /></a> +<p>Snapshots of certain Members who were <i>not</i> on their way +to or from the Conference. Their expressions reflect the pessimistic +view which they entertained from the first as to its chance of success +in their absence.</p> +<p class="center">(Sir <span class="sc">William Byles</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Keir Hardie</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">John Ward</span>, Mr. +<span class="sc">William O’Brien</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span>.)</p> +</div> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 20.</i>—The T. R. Westminster is at least +equal to the old T. R. Drury Lane in capacity for producing dramatic +turns. When Members went off on Saturday for week-end holiday the Ulster +attitude was pretty generally understood. Ulster demanded “a clean cut,” +with the alternative, phrased by <span class="sc">Carson</span>, of “Come over and fight us.” +The Cabinet after prolonged deliberation had resolved to meet demand +with firm <i>non possumus</i>: <span class="sc">Premier</span> was expected on resumption of Sittings +this afternoon to announce conclusion of matter, adding such offer of +concession on matter of detail as, whilst providing golden bridge for +Opposition, would avert revolt in his own camp, where “conversations” +with leaders of Opposition are regarded with growing jealousy and +suspicion.</p> + +<p>New stage in long-drawn-out controversy sufficient to create profoundest +interest in to-day’s proceedings. It would surely be the beginning of +the end. What exactly the <span class="sc">Premier</span> would say about further concession to +Ulster, and how the overtures would be received on Front Opposition +Bench, were questions on which might hang the issue of peace or war.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Premier</span> had a more startling message to deliver. From point of view of +dramatic effect it was a thousand pities his secret had been prematurely +disclosed. When he rose amid profound stillness of crowded House +everyone knew what he was going to say. In ordinary circumstances his +interposition at so critical a juncture would have been hailed by +resounding applause from the multiform sections that contribute to +making up of Ministerial majority. As matters turned out, a frigid cheer +greeted his appearance at the Table. To the announcement that “in view +of the grave situation the <span class="sc">King</span> has thought it right to summon +representatives of Parties, both British and Irish, to a Conference in +Buckingham Palace, with the object of discussing outstanding issues in +relation to the problem of Irish government,” he had only one new thing +to add. It was that the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> would preside over the Conference.</p> + +<p>This was the only passage in the brief formal conversation, to which +<span class="sc">Leader of Opposition</span> and <span class="sc">Leader of Irish Nationalists</span> contributed, that +elicited general cheer. A high tribute to occupant of the Chair.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ginnell</span> saw his opportunity and seized it by the hair. He is one of +three leaders of the Irish Nationalists. Understood that his Party +consists of a single member, so shadowy that there are varied reports as +to his identity. Member for N.W. Meath leaped on to pinnacle of enduring +fame when the present Parliament met to elect a Speaker. Before Mr. +<span class="sc">Lowther</span> was qualified to take the Chair, and whilst as yet no recognised +authority existed, <span class="sc">Ginnell</span>, master of the situation, delivered a long +harangue. Proposed now to offer a few remarks “as an independent Irish +Nationalist.”</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Speaker</span> on point of order restricting him to putting a question, he +“begged to ask the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> what precedent he had and what +authority to advise the <span class="sc">King</span> to place himself at the head of a +conspiracy to defeat the decision of this House?”</p> + +<p>“Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table,” +said the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>.</p> + +<p>The observation did not appear relevant. It met the occasion. It brought +up <span class="sc">Leverton Harris</span>, newly elected for East Worcestershire, who found his +welcome the warmer by reason of the fact that he had been a passive +instrument in avoiding what might under less adroit management have +developed into a disorderly scene.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="sc">Premier</span> announces Conference upon Ulster question to +meet at Buckingham Palace on the invitation of <span class="sc">His Majesty</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span></p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Dull sitting closed in lively conversation arising on motion +for adjournment. <span class="sc">Rupert Gwynne</span>, jealous for due observance of traditions +of House, has noticed with concern the departure for Canada for +indefinite period of Member for East St. Pancras. At Question time asked +<span class="sc">Chancellor of Exchequer</span> whether Mr. <span class="sc">Martin</span> had applied for Chiltern +Hundreds. Answered in the negative, he put a further question to +<span class="sc">Premier</span>, directing his attention to Act of 6 <span class="sc">Henry VIII.</span> c. 16, ordering +that no Member of Parliament shall absent himself from attendance except +he have licence of Mr. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. This upon pain of having his wages +docked. <span class="sc">Premier</span> brushed him aside with one of his brief answers.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Gwynne</span> not the man to be shouldered off the path of duty when it lies +straight before him. Here was a Member in receipt of £400 a year leaving +the place of business where it was assumed to be earned, not even taking +the trouble to follow example of the clerk who, left in sole charge of +his master’s office, wrote in legible hand, “Back D’reckly,” affixed +notice to front door and went forth to enjoyment of prolonged meal.</p> + +<p>Since he could get no satisfaction at Question time he kept Members in, +after hour of adjournment, in order to debate subject.</p> + +<p>Unfortunately it turned out that he was not exactly the man to have +undertaken the job. Amid laughter and hilarious cheering <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> +pointed out that here was a case of Satan reproving sin. Reference to +the records showed that during the time payment of Members has been in +vogue, of 687 divisions <span class="sc">Gwynne</span> was absent from 424. (<span class="sc">Gwynne</span> later +corrected these figures.) During that time he had drawn from the +Exchequer salary amounting to £1,000.</p> + +<p>“On his own principle, that payment should be in proportion to +attendance, the hon. Member,” said the <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span>, “is entitled to +only £400. Being so conscientious no doubt he will repay to the +<span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> the balance of £600.”</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Helmsley</span>, gallantly coming to assistance of friend in dire straits, +himself fell into the bog. It appeared that of 1056 divisions taken in +two Sessions he had been absent from 602. Here was another unexpected +little windfall for the Exchequer.</p> + +<p>At this stage it was found expedient to drop the subject; adjournment +not further resisted.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Budget Bill dealt with on Report stage.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—With that austerity that since Stuart times has marked +relations of House of Commons with royalty Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> is known at +Westminster simply as the Member for East Edinburgh, a position he with +characteristic modesty accepts. But blood, especially royal blood, like +murder, will out. Lineal descendant of one of the oldest dynasties in +the world’s history, Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> cannot be expected always and altogether +to be free from ancestral influence. Something of the hauteur of <span class="sc">’ogge</span>, +King of Bashan (or, as some records have it, <span class="sc">og</span>) is discerned in his +attitude and manner when, throned on corner seat below Gangway, he +occasionally deigns to direct the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> in the way he should +go.</p> + +<p>Such opportunity presented itself in connection with meeting of +Conference which through the Parliamentary week has centred upon +Buckingham Palace the attention of mankind. With respect to palaces Mr. +<span class="sc">Hogge</span> is by family association an expert.</p> + +<p>“Why Rookery?” <i>Miss Betsey Trotwood</i> sharply asked <i>David Copperfield</i> +when he casually mentioned his mother’s postal address.</p> + +<p>“Why Buckingham Palace?” asked Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span>, bending severe glance on +Treasury Bench whence the <span class="sc">Premier</span> had judiciously fled.</p> + +<p>St. Stephen’s, which houses the Member for East Edinburgh, is also a +royal palace. Why then was not the Conference held within its walls, +instead of under the roof of what he loftily alluded to as “the domestic +Palace”?</p> + +<p>This and much more, with covert references to machinations of the two +Front Benches, Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> wanted to know.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, uneasily conscious of the coming storm, had, as +mentioned, discreetly disappeared. As an offering to righteous +indignation he left behind him on the Treasury Bench the body of +<span class="sc">Attorney-General</span>. That astute statesman avoided difficulty and personal +disaster by meekly undertaking to lay before the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> the +views so eloquently and pointedly set forth by the hon. Member.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> graciously assented to this course, and what at the outset +looked like threatening incident terminated.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Budget Bill passed Third Reading without a division.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter50"> +<a href="images/114.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/114.jpg" +alt="What sauce will you take?" /></a> +<p><i>Waiter.</i> “<span class="sc">What sauce will you take wiz your fish, Sair?</span>”</p> +<p><i>Polite Customer.</i> “<span class="sc">Well, what disinfectants have you?</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> + “Mr. Hogge: Can the Prime Minister say whether any of those taking + part in the Conference attached any conditions to their entering + the Conference?</p> + + <p>‘I cannot sty,’ replied the Premier.”—<i>Evening News.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>Was this quite worthy of the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>? We ourselves do not care +for these personal jokes on people’s names.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “Mr. Asquith’s statement was thus of sensational interest, because + it represented the last effort at the eleventh minute of the + eleventh hour to avert Civil War.”—<i>Dublin Evening Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>No need to hurry. There are still forty-nine minutes left.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>The Finances of Cricket.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> + “Cumberland batted first and reached the total of £272, C. A. + Hardcastle (87), R. B. Brown (41), and R. C. Saint (27) being the + chief contributors.”—<i>Daily News and Leader.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">Suggested mottoes for the L.C.C.:—</p> +<p class="center">“<span class="sc">Progress Moderately.</span>”</p> +<p class="center">“<span class="sc">Tram up a Child.</span>”</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/115.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/115.jpg" +alt="A White Hope." /></a> +<p><span class="sc">Suggestion for developing a “White Hope” amongst our +’bus- and taxi-drivers.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE MISSIONARY.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Where Oriental calm derides</p> +<p class="i2">Our Occidental stress</p> +<p>And Ninety-seven E. collides</p> +<p class="i2">With Five-and-twenty S.,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You’ll find a product of the West,</p> +<p class="i2">A Bachelor of Arts,</p> +<p>Who blends a mind of youthful zest</p> +<p class="i2">With patriarchal parts.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Each morning mid his rubber trees</p> +<p class="i2">He rides an ancient hack,</p> +<p>A cassock girt above his knees,</p> +<p class="i2">A topee tilted back.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Now reining in his steed to preach</p> +<p class="i2">A parable on sap,</p> +<p>Now vaulting from his seat to teach</p> +<p class="i2">The proper way to tap.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His swart disciples knit their brows</p> +<p class="i2">O’er algebraic signs;</p> +<p>They build their byres, they milk their cows</p> +<p class="i2">On scientific lines.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They use his microscope and gaze</p> +<p class="i2">On strange bacterial risks;</p> +<p>They tuns their daily hymns of praise</p> +<p class="i2">To gramophonic discs.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And every evening after grace,</p> +<p class="i2">When converts clear the cloth,</p> +<p>He pins an orchid to its place</p> +<p class="i2">Or camphorates a moth.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Out of the world his path may run,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet still in worldly wise</p> +<p>He’ll talk of feats with rod or gun,</p> +<p class="i2">A twinkle in his eyes,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And tell of tiger-stalking nights,</p> +<p class="i2">Of mornings with the snipe,</p> +<p>With never a pause save when he lights</p> +<p class="i2">An antiquated pipe.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>We others earn our pensioned ease,</p> +<p class="i2">The furlough of our kind;</p> +<p>We book our berths, we cross the seas,</p> +<p class="i2">But he shall stay behind,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Plodding his round of feast and fast,</p> +<p class="i2">Dreaming the dreams of yore,</p> +<p>Of England as he saw her last</p> +<p class="i2">In 1884.</p> + </div> +<p class="midauthor">J. M. S.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>More Impending Apologies.</h3> + +<h4>I.</h4> + +<blockquote> +<p>“GREAT GALA NIGHT<br /> +<span class="sc">when</span><br /> +JOSEPHINE DAVIS<br /> +<span class="sc">will bid ‘Au Revoir’ to Bombay<br /> +By Special Request</span>.”</p> + +<p><i>Bombay Chronicle.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<h4>II.</h4> + +<blockquote> + <p>“At the hour of six the Rev. S. F. Collier gave out the only + possible hymn—</p> + +<p style="margin-left: 3em;">‘And are we yet alive<br /> +And see each other’s face!’”</p> + +<p><i>Yorkshire Post.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<h2>THE GESTICULATORS.</h2> + +<p>The supper-room was so full that I quite expected to find that, since I +was so late, the harassed head-waiter had taken the liberty of presuming +my death and letting someone else have my table; but there it was, empty +and ready for me. I sank into a chair with a feeling of relief and, +having ordered something to eat, began to examine the room. There was +not a spare place; everyone was eating and talking and unusual +excitement was in the air. From my remote corner I could not catch any +words, but the odd thing was that at every table one at least of the +men, who were all in evening-dress, was waving his arms. Now and then a +man would stand up to do this better. It was as though they were all +deaf and dumb, or cinema actors.</p> + +<p>The next day at lunch I had a similar experience. I patronized another +restaurant, which seemed to be equally popular, and again every man was +gesticulating in a style totally foreign to the staid apathetic +Londoner. What could it mean? What was the reason?</p> + +<p>I asked the waiter. He laughed. “Ah,” he said, “I have notice it too. It +is funny, is it not? Zey all show each other how <span class="sc">Carpentier</span> won on ze +foul.”</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page116" id="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span></p> + +<h2>AN ERROR IN ARCADY.</h2> + +<p>People who know us both have often expressed a doubt as to whether +Charles or myself is the more absent-minded and unobservant. I wish to +set the matter at rest once and for all.</p> + +<p>We were discussing William’s wedding, which had just taken place, +romantically enough, in the very heart of Herts—one of those quaint +little villages where no sound seems to disturb the silence of the long +summer day but the gentle bleating of horn to horn and the murmur of +innumerable tyres. Both of us had been there, and Charles came round to +talk to me about it a few evenings afterwards.</p> + +<p>“I do hope the poor dear fellow will be happy,” he said, lighting his +fifth match and pulling away vigorously at an ugly-looking briar.</p> + +<p>“It really goes much better with tobacco in it,” I said, passing him my +pouch. “Why on earth shouldn’t William be happy? It seemed a very pretty +wedding. Did you notice how the rays of the sun coming through the +window lit up the best man’s boots?”</p> + +<p>“I daresay, I daresay,” he replied. “As a matter of fact I couldn’t see +the church part of it very well: I came late and was behind a pillar at +the back.”</p> + +<p>“Well, it all went beautifully,” I told him. “Everybody stood up and sat +down in the wrong places as usual, and the friends of the bride looked +with extreme <i>hauteur</i> at the friends of the bridegroom, and <i>vice +versâ</i>. I suppose you went to the reception afterwards. I never saw you +at all except for a moment on the platform going back. You must have +shaken hands with the happy pair and examined the presents?”</p> + +<p>“I went to the house,” said Charles. “I went in a motor-car on a seat +that took two men to hold down, and that hit me hard when I tried to +stand up. I caught a glimpse of William, but I couldn’t find the room +where the presents were set out, so I went through almost at once into +the garden, where the feasting was going on. Do tell me about the gifts. +Was my little pepper-castor hung on the line?”</p> + +<p>“I didn’t notice that,” I said, “but my butter-dish was doing itself +proud. It had sneaked up to a magnificent toast-rack with stabling +accommodation for about eight pieces, given by somebody with a title. +And you ought to have seen the fish-slices. The fish-slices wore +gorgeous. I expect William will spend a great part of his married life +in slicing fish. It will be a great change from golf-balls. But I think +you really ought to have said a few hearty and well-chosen words to the +young people.”</p> + +<p>“That’s just it,” replied Charles in a mournful voice. “I did. I talked +to the bride.”</p> + +<p>“Hang it, so did I!” I exclaimed rather indignantly. “Directly I got in +I went up to William and her and said to her, ‘How glad you must be it’s +all over!’ and then quite suddenly it struck me that that wasn’t really +the best thing to say in the circumstances, so I blushed and trod on +William’s toe and passed on. What did you do in the garden?”</p> + +<p>“Well, I wandered about on the lawn where there were lots and lots of +people,” said Charles. “I didn’t seem to meet anyone I knew, but the +flower-beds were most beautifully kept. I have seldom seen such a +display of cress sandwiches and champagne. After a bit I strolled down +through the shrubberies, went through a little wooden gate and found +myself amongst the raspberry canes. About a quarter of an hour later, +after a little fruity refreshment, whom should I meet walking along a +quiet shady path but the bride herself, all alone.”</p> + +<p>“Stealing away to get one last raspberry at the dear old home,” I said. +“How romantic! What did you do? Hide?”</p> + +<p>“No,” answered Charles bitterly. “I only wish I had. I felt that now or +never was the time. I went straight up to her, and, feeling that to talk +about the weather or the theatres on such an occasion would be rather +footling, in spite of the fact that we’d never been introduced, I +plunged straight into it. ‘You’ve never seen me before in your life,’ I +said earnestly, ‘because you haven’t got eyes in the back of your head, +and I’ve never seen you because I can’t look through stone. What’s more, +I’m only a little silver pepper-castor, an insignificant item in your +cruet. But I must tell you how delighted I am to have a chance of +speaking to you.’”</p> + +<p>“What did she say to that?” I asked.</p> + +<p>“Well, you’d never believe it, but the girl looked quite nervous and +frightened, and positively began to walk away from me. I supposed I’d +begun on the wrong tack, so I hurried after her and started again. +‘Marriage is a state full of the most serious responsibilities,’ I said, +‘but one glance at you shows me that you are fully competent to shoulder +them all.’”</p> + +<p>“That sounds as if you thought she looked a trifle statuesque,” I said. +“Did she seem annoyed?”</p> + +<p>“Worse,” replied Charles. “She hurried on again without speaking a word. +‘Stop,’ I cried, ‘stop! I am a friend of the fairy prince;’ and just +then we came out on to a piece of lawn, and she gave a little shriek and +actually ran away, leaving me standing where I was. I was so ashamed and +exhausted that I slunk back through the little gate and had some more +raspberries. When I had partially recovered I returned to the upper part +of the garden again, had two cups of tea in the big tent, and made my +way back to the station, where I saw you. If you hadn’t got into another +carriage I should have told you about it at the time.”</p> + +<p>“Then you never saw them going away at all?” I said.</p> + +<p>“No,” replied Charles; “did you?”</p> + +<p>“Did I not?” said I. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of rice I started +their married life with. About two milk puddings’ worth, I should say. +And so you are not quite satisfied with William’s choice?”</p> + +<p>“Well, she seems to me to be rather an unresponsive and timid sort of +person,” said Charles. “Not tactful, nor likely to make what the +newspapers call a charming hostess. I should have liked dear William to +marry someone who would be a social success.”</p> + +<p>I smoked for some time in silence, and then I had an idea.</p> + +<p>“How was the bride dressed when you saw her, Charles?” I asked.</p> + +<p>“Do I know how women are dressed? She was in white, of course, and +hadn’t a hat on.”</p> + +<p>“But she had a train and a veil, I suppose. She hadn’t a short skirt by +any chance?”</p> + +<p>“Goodness, how do I know?” he replied. “I didn’t notice all that. Why do +you ask?”</p> + +<p>“Well, you only saw her once, you see,” I said, “and you went through +that little gate at the bottom of the garden, didn’t you?”</p> + +<p>“I did,” said Charles. “What’s that got to do with it?”</p> + +<p>“Nothing, nothing. Only I know that there were some people playing +tennis at the next house, and very likely the two gardens are connected, +and I’m wondering whether that girl——”</p> + +<p>“Good heavens,” said Charles.... “You haven’t got such a thing as a +hairpin about you, have you? This pipe’s stopped up.”</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> + “The Nambudiri school is progressing with the French motto of + ‘Festina lente!’”—<i>The Malabar Herald.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>More progress might be made with the old Latin tag, “<i>Trop de zèle.</i>”</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “‘As long as I can play as good a game of golf as I did to-day I + will never get any cider,’ was Mr. Rockefeller’s reply to one of + the friends who called to congratulate him.”—<i>New York Sun.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>He may, however, get older, even then.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/117.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/117.jpg" +alt="Society Notes." /></a> +<h3>SOCIETY NOTES.</h3> +<p><span class="sc">We are sorry to hear that, through the inconsiderate action of the +antiquated people who still take dogs to the park, the pet rat of Lady +Piper had a narrow escape from what might have been a serious accident.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE FOILING OF “THE BLARE.”</h2> + +<p>(<i>Suggested to a slightly Hibernian brain by the recent ebullition of +generosity on the part of the popular press, which insures its readers +against holiday accidents whilst boating and bathing.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When I bolt from this city of vapour</p> +<p class="i2">To bite the salubrious breeze,</p> +<p>Do you know why I gambol and caper</p> +<p class="i2">And plunge with a shout in the seas</p> +<p class="i4">Twice the lad that I was</p> +<p class="i4">For a lark? It’s because</p> +<p>I subscribe to that bountiful paper,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>The Blare</i>, if you please.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For I know that if currents are shifty,</p> +<p class="i2">If cramp should arrive unaware,</p> +<p>I shall die, but my end will be thrifty,</p> +<p class="i2">And my host (being also my heir)</p> +<p class="i4">Will be amply consoled</p> +<p class="i4">By the thought of the gold</p> +<p>(Which amounts to two hundred and fifty)</p> +<p class="i2">He’ll get from <i>The Blare</i>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>“Pray take from your forehead those creases,”</p> +<p class="i2">I cry to my friend on the yacht,</p> +<p>“I admit that the mainsail’s in pieces</p> +<p class="i2">And most of the sheets in a knot;</p> +<p class="i4">But remember that if</p> +<p class="i4">We go <i>ponk</i> on that cliff</p> +<p>It’s <i>The Blare</i> will be paying your nieces</p> +<p class="i2">A nice little pot.”</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But whatever may crash into cruisers</p> +<p class="i2">Or wherries when I am afloat,</p> +<p>When the waves have destroyed me like bruisers,</p> +<p class="i2">I call on my country to note,</p> +<p class="i4">If <i>The Blare</i> should pretend,</p> +<p class="i4">When I’ve passed to my end,</p> +<p>I was one of its constant perusers,</p> +<p class="i2">It lies in its throat.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>To my tenantless rooms in the City</p> +<p class="i2">The rags have been sent, and it’s there</p> +<p>That I’ll burn them unopened and gritty</p> +<p class="i2">Or, if (and it’s little I care)</p> +<p class="i4">I am whelmed in the wave,</p> +<p class="i4">I shall laugh from my grave</p> +<p>At the blow that I’ve dealt the banditti</p> +<p class="i2">Who publish <i>The Blare</i>.</p> + </div> +<p class="midauthor"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> + “With one accord they all say, ‘Welcome to Ireland!’ ‘No more + delightful place,’ says Mr. Birrell; ‘A kindly welcome everywhere,’ + says Mr. Devlin; ‘The most peaceful place in the world,’ says Mr. + Redmond.”—<i>Daily Graphic.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Redmond</span> has overlooked the Balkans.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span></p> + +<h2>ALL LIARS’ DAY.</h2> + +<p>“So it’s ——’s birthday to-day,” said Fortescue (naming a very +well-known politician) as he looked up from his newspaper. “You’ll call +and wish him many happy returns, of course, Ferguson?”</p> + +<p>We who travel up together each morning by this train are pretty well +agreed about ——.</p> + +<p>“Don’t mention that man to me!” cried Ferguson. “He’s absolutely the +biggest liar on earth. I can’t imagine how he faces the world as he does +after having been exposed so many times. You’d think he would want to +crawl away into a hole somewhere. He can’t have the least sense of +shame.”</p> + +<p>“Pardon me,” interrupted the burly stranger seated in the corner. +“Pardon me; there is reason why he should. It is not <i>his</i> fault if he +is addicted to inexactitude. He was predestined to it. It is the +irresistible influence of the day on which he was born. Every man born +on this day must inevitably grow up to be a liar; it is his fate, from +which there can be no escape.”</p> + +<p>“Oh, come!” protested Ferguson. “That sounds rather far-fetched, you +know, for these days.”</p> + +<p>“My dear Sir,” retorted the other, brushing up his moustache +aggressively and glaring at Ferguson, “I happen to be President of the +Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon Character, so +I presume I may claim to know what I am talking about.”</p> + +<p>So truculent was his demeanour that nobody ventured to speak.</p> + +<p>“My Society,” he continued after a pause, “has conducted its researches +over a period of many years. I am going to give you just a few examples +out of thousands we have collected. Let us take a significant date, +February 29th. A man born on that day is a coward. It is inevitable. +Pusillanimity is born in him and can never be eradicated.</p> + +<p>“We had before us a month or two ago the case of a gentleman living in a +country town—a quiet, shy, studious recluse—born on this fatal day. By +some mischance he happened to pick up a journal in which was an article +on the Government by Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold White</span>. He read it. He was so terrified +that he expired from heart failure. That sounds to you incredible, but +real life is often incredible. That is one of the discoveries of our +Society.</p> + +<p>“I will give you a more remarkable instance still. A well-to-do +gentleman with the same birthday, whose case we have recorded in our +journals, is now, though perfectly healthy, bed-ridden under the +following amazing circumstances. He accidentally discovered that his +tailor, who had clothed him since boyhood, was an anarchist. After this +he was afraid to have any further dealings with the man, while, on the +other hand, he lacked sufficient courage to face the ordeal of being +fitted by a fresh tailor. For some time he used to sit up at night and +secretly sew patches into his trousers. Naturally this could not go on +for ever, and at last, when his garments were dropping to pieces, he had +to take to his bed.... You smile, Sir. Perhaps you think I am +exaggerating?”</p> + +<p>His eyes flashed and his voice vibrated with such anger that I jumped +six inches out of my seat.</p> + +<p>“Not at all—not at all,” I stammered. “Only it occurred to me—er—that +he might have—er—b-bought them ready-made.”</p> + +<p>“Your knowledge of human nature must be singularly slight,” replied the +other icily, “if you imagine that a man without sufficient courage to be +fitted by a tailor would be brave enough to wear ready-made clothes.”</p> + +<p>“It seems to me, Sir,” said Dean, coming to the rescue, “that your two +instances prove little, if anything. They may be mere coincidence.”</p> + +<p>The stranger leaned forward, frowned heavily and wagged his forefinger +at Dean, who wilted visibly.</p> + +<p>“The Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon +Character,” he said, “does not seek to build up a theory upon isolated +and arbitrarily selected examples. We deal with the subject +scientifically. To continue with this date, February 29th. After several +cases similar to those I have recounted had come to our notice, we made +out a list of two hundred and fifty men born on this day. To each of +them we sent a representative to ask for a subscription to the Society. +Though they had never heard of it before, <i>every one of those two +hundred and fifty was easily intimidated into subscribing.</i></p> + +<p>“Now let us consider another date—March 3rd. Several striking instances +had led us to suspect that a person born on March 3rd comes into the +world with an ineradicable passion for gambling. I will give you just +one of these. A gentleman one day imagined he was seriously ill and +called in a doctor. The latter laughed at his fears and offered to bet +him that he would live to be seventy. The temptation was too great. The +gambler closed with the offer, and on the eve of his seventieth birthday +drowned himself.”</p> + +<p>At this point Empson sniggered audibly. The speaker turned his head and +fixed his terrifying glance upon the delinquent. Poor Empson grew very +red, and endeavoured to cover his lapse by coughing noisily. The other +waited patiently till he had finished.</p> + +<p>“Perhaps you wish to say something, Sir,” he remarked coldly.</p> + +<p>“N-no,” said Empson. “Most interesting.”</p> + +<p>The President made a gesture which indicated that Empson was beneath +contempt and renewed his discourse.</p> + +<p>“Continuing the same method of research,” he said, “we compiled a list +of nearly four hundred persons born on March 3rd. To each of these we +sent particulars of a Derby Sweepstake. <i>Every one of them, gentlemen, +applied for a ticket by return of post.</i>”</p> + +<p>There was an impressive pause. The President looked round the carriage +defiantly as if challenging suspicion.</p> + +<p>“One of our tests with regard to to-day’s date—liars’ day,” he +continued presently, “was rather amusing. We hired a room in the City +for a week and sent out over three hundred letters to persons born on +that day. Our notepaper was headed, ‘Short, Stay and Hoppett, +Solicitors,’ and the letters were in identical terms. They said that we +had been endeavouring for some time to trace the relatives of one Davy +Jones, who, after acquiring a large fortune in Australia, had died +intestate, and we had that morning been given to understand that the +gentleman with whom we wore corresponding was a nephew of the deceased, +etc., etc. You guess what happened. <i>Every one of them without exception +claimed as his uncle this millionaire who never existed.</i>”</p> + +<p>The train began to slow down, and the President rose to his feet.</p> + +<p>“I get out here,” he said. “I’m sorry. I should like to have discussed +the subject further. You, Sir”—he pointed threateningly at +Ferguson—“will doubtless in future refrain from blaming Mr. —— for a +failing for which, as you see, he is in no way responsible.”</p> + +<p>Ferguson quaked and said nothing.</p> + +<p>The President brushed up his moustache still higher and looked round in +triumph. All of us were completely cowed—all of us, except little +Windsor.</p> + +<p>“Just a moment, Sir,” said the latter gently. “Before you leave us will +you kindly accept this?”</p> + +<p>He took out his tie-pin and laid it in the other’s hand.</p> + +<p>For the first time the burly one’s confidence deserted him. He reddened +slightly and looked embarrassed.</p> + +<p>“It’s very kind of you,” he said, “but really I—I don’t quite +understand.”</p> + +<p>“It’s a birthday present for you,” said Windsor sweetly.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter100"> +<a href="images/119.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/119.jpg" +alt="Humorous Artist." /></a> +<p><i>Humorous Artist.</i> “<span class="sc">I’ve brought you an original funny +joke this time. A friend of mine thought of it.</span>”</p> +<p><i>Editor</i> (after reading it). “<span class="sc">Yes, it <i>is</i> funny; but I prefer the +drawing that was published with it in the ’seventies!</span>”</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch’s Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p>Three numbers of <i>The South Polar Times</i> were brought out at Cape Evans, +the winter quarters of Captain <span class="sc">Scott</span>, during 1911. Mr. <span class="sc">Apsley +Cherry-Garrard</span>, the editor, has now presented them to a wider circle +under the auspices of <span class="sc">Smith, Elder</span>, hoping that they will prove “a +source of interest and pleasure to the friends of the expedition.” He +need have no fears. Of course a paper produced under such conditions is +in its nature esoteric, and many of its jokes are lost if you “don’t +know Jimson.” But if you have previously read <i>Scott’s Last Expedition</i> +then you <i>will</i> “know Jimson”; you will feel that every man at Cape +Evans in 1911 was a personal friend of yours, and you will be delighted +with this facsimile reproduction of the paper which delighted them. +Personally I cannot read or see too much of the men who are my heroes; +and in a world where an ordinary school-girl is allowed twenty-seven +photographs of Mr. <span class="sc">Lewis Waller</span> I shall not consider myself surfeited +with two caricatures and a humorous character-sketch of Lieutenant +<span class="sc">Bowers</span>. But there are contributions to <i>The South Polar Times</i> which +have an interest other than the merely personal. Mr. <span class="sc">Griffith Taylor</span>, a +tower of strength on the literary side, is really funny in <i>The +Bipes</i>—a paper (on the wingless bipeds of Cape Evans) supposed to have +been read by <span class="sc">Oates’</span> escaped rabbit to the Royal Society of Rabbits. Mr. +<span class="sc">Taylor</span>, as a recorder of history in <i>Scott’s Last Expedition</i>, was, I +thought, a little too familiar; in these and other articles he is much +more at home. But it is upon Dr. <span class="sc">Wilson</span>’s pictures (both serious and +comic) that <i>The South Polar Times</i> can most justly pride itself. I envy +Mr. <span class="sc">Cherry-Garrard</span> so prolific and brilliant a contributor. Still more I +envy him (and all his colleagues at Cape Evans) the knowledge of such a +man. The more I get to know of <span class="sc">“Bill” Wilson</span>, the more I understand that +he was of the very salt of the earth—a man to love whom was indeed a +liberal education, and to be loved by whom was a passport to the little +company of the elect.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>When <i>John Barleycorn</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>) came my way, I noticed that the +publishers had shown a reticence, unusual in these days, on the outside +paper cover; they didn’t say a word as to the quality or character of +the contents. They had three good reasons: first, given the name of <span class="sc">Jack +London</span>, there was no need of further advertisement or lure; second, if +they had started describing the book they would have been unable to say +with strict truth that it was or was not a novel, for it isn’t and it +is; third, and best, they couldn’t, as honest men, have avoided +mentioning that it is in a way a sermon on alcoholism, and that, being +said, might have acted as a deterrent, unless they had explained (as +they wouldn’t have had room to do) how and why, when they said “sermon,” +they didn’t really mean “sermon.” So they lay low and said nothing, and +I almost wish I had done the same, for no one who has the lightest +interest, practical or theoretical, in John Barleycorn ought to be put +off these alcoholic memoirs. The diarist purports to have been first +drunk at the age of five, again at the age of seven, almost perpetually +for a spell of years from the age of fifteen, and yet to have taken over +a quarter of a century to acquire a liking for alcohol. That sounds odd, +but is not unique. Not only in California and not only in the lower +grades of society, is Youth, vigorous and unspoilt, bound to acquire the +taste if it would foregather on lively and intimate terms with its +fellows; and not only in the saloons of the Oakland water-front are +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> +fine youngsters drinking themselves permanently silly because it is +their only way of being men among men, jolly good fellows among jolly +good fellows. A sound enough text for any sermon; and, I may honestly +add, a sound enough sermon for any text, with a strong smell of the sea +and of adventure about it. But I ask myself for what purpose the +photograph of Mr. and Mrs. <span class="sc">Jack London</span> is inserted as a frontispiece? As +well, I think, have had a portrait of Mr. <span class="sc">Mills</span>, with Mr. <span class="sc">Boon</span> inset.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Isn’t <i>The Youngest World</i> (<span class="sc">Bell</span>) an engaging title for a book? It +caught my interest at once. I am not altogether sure that the story +itself is as good as its name, but that still leaves a margin of +quality, and I for one have enjoyed it greatly—in patches. Let Mr. +<span class="sc">Robert Dunn</span> not too hastily condemn me if I say that he has written a +fatiguing tale. Partly I mean this as a high compliment. The +descriptions of hardships borne and physical difficulties overcome by +his hero are so vivid that they convey a sensation of actual bodily +strain in a manner that only one other living writer can equal. There +are chapters in the book that leave one aching all over. So long, in +fact, as Mr. <span class="sc">Dunn</span>’s characters are content to do things, to climb +mountains, to ford rivers, to endure hunger and cold and weariness, I am +in close bodily sympathy with them; it is when they begin to talk and to +explain their mental states that my keenness is threatened by another +and less pleasing fatigue. It is not that the scope of the story—a +man’s regeneration by love and hardship—isn’t a good one: quite the +contrary. It is that I simply do not believe that human beings, +especially those that figure in this book, would ever talk about +themselves in this particular way. “In the name of our own blood,” she +uttered softly, “of Love, the Future, and Victory....” That is a random +sentence from the last page, and very typical of Mr. <span class="sc">Dunn</span>’s dialogue. It +is full of gracious qualities, thoughtful, and throughout on a high +literary level, but as a realistic transcription of frontier talk it +leaves me incredulous. Still the setting, I repeat, is quite wonderful. +You shall read the chapters that tell of <i>Gail’s</i> ascent of Mount +Lincoln, and see if they don’t stir your blood, especially where he +reaches the top, alone (and therefore unable to talk), and sees the +world at his feet. You will exult in this.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Victor Bridges</span> has a very versatile pen and in most of the +twenty-one pieces of <i>Jetsam</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>) which he has recovered +from the waves of monthly magazines and elsewhere there is a certain +amount of material for mirth. I do not however find him a startlingly +original humorist, whether on the river Thames, where he seems to follow +in the wake of Mr. <span class="sc">Jerome K. Jerome</span>, or in a Chelsea “pub,” where his +manners are reminiscent of the characters of Messrs. <span class="sc">W. W. Jacobs</span> and +<span class="sc">Morton Howard</span>. Again, in the story called “The First Marathon” (where, +by the way, he states that “It is true that the word ‘Marathon’ was +first used in connection with the old Olympian games,” which seems a +little unfair to <span class="sc">Miltiades</span>), the fun mainly depends on the use of such +phrases as “Spoo-fer,” “King Kod,” and the “Can’t-stik-you-shun-all +Club.” Other stories are of the adventurous or romantic type sacred to +serial fiction, no fewer than three dealing with escaped convicts on +Dartmoor, and one (the first in the book) describing the chance meeting +of a man and a pretty girl on an uninhabited island off the West Coast +of Scotland. Here, for some reason or other, the man insisted on calling +his charming and unknown companion <i>Astarte</i>, a name which, if I had +been in her place, I should have been inclined to resent. But Mr. +<span class="sc">Bridges’</span> dialogue is nearly always bright, and his knowledge of the +machinery of yarn-spinning excellent. There is just one other point +however which I should like to mention. The book includes a brand-new +Russian wolf-story, in which the heroes protect themselves from the +bites of these ferocious quadrupeds by putting on armour, which they +find in a deserted house. I don’t object to that; but, when they leave +the railway line along which they have been travelling and plunge into a +forest-path they come to a place where the route forks and cannot make +out which of the two roads will be more likely to lead them back to the +railway. I do not feel that these men were the sort of people to be +trusted to wander by themselves in a desolate Siberian anecdote.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter50"> +<a href="images/120.jpg"> +<img width="100%" src="images/120.jpg" +alt="The caddie who saw the fairies." /></a> +<p><span class="sc">The caddie who saw the fairies.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Our New Masters.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>The <span class="sc">King</span> can do no wrong.</i> Of late</p> +<p class="i2">So ran the law; but, when to-day</p> +<p>Kinglike he seeks to serve the State,</p> +<p class="i2">Our super-monarchs frown and say:</p> +<p><i>The <span class="sc">King</span> can do no right—unless</i></p> +<p><i>By leave of half the Liberal Press.</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<h3>The Light-weight Angler.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> + “Weighing 6 lbs. 7 oz., Mr. T. Snelgrove caught a golden carp + whilst fishing in the mill pond at Addlestone, Surrey.”—<i>People.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “He has slept ... nearly 365 days on board the Admiralty yacht.” +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This, from a <i>Daily Mail</i> article in praise of <span class="sc">Winston</span>, is no doubt +meant kindly.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<blockquote><p> + “C. E. Cox begs to announce that he is now prepared to drill wells, + for water, gas, oil, cash or old clothes.”—<i>Red Deer Advocate.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>For cash is our choice.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="trans-note"> +<p class="center">Transcriber’s notes:</p> + +<p>In “The Young of the Sea-Serpent” (page 109), the original text read, +“So shall the rising generation learn the merits of the strong right arm +that has make England what it is.”</p> + +<p>In “An Error in Arcady” (page 116), the circumflex in “vice versâ” has +been retained from the original, but “shrubberries” has been replaced +with “shrubberies”.</p> + +<p>In “The Light-weight Angler” (page 120), “Addlestont” has been changed +to “Addlestone”.</p> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, July 29, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 25860-h.htm or 25860-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/8/6/25860/ + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, July 29, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 20, 2008 [EBook #25860] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + + + + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 147. + + + +July 29th, 1914. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A warrant has been issued for the arrest of Signor ULVI, the inventor +of "F" rays. He is said to have eloped from Florence with an Admiral's +daughter. This was not discovered until Signor ULVI had got well away, +and his claim to be able to cause explosions at a distance would now +seem to be established. + + *** + +General HUERTA is said to have taken with him on his flight securities +to the amount of L1,200,000. Even so it is typical of the grasping +nature of the man that he complained of having to leave Mexico City +behind. + + *** + +A storm of indignation has been raised in Berlin by an order +(instigated, it is said, in a very high quarter) that all _cafes_ must +close at 2 A.M. A petition is being circulated which points out that +this order will kill Berlin's tourist traffic, "as the night life of +the city is the only attraction for visitors." This implication that a +certain exalted personage is not among the local attractions seems to +us to amount almost to _lese-majeste_. + + *** + +When Lieutenant PORTE's water-plane, "The America," refused to rise, +he should have tried changing its name to "The South America." + + *** + +The Buckinghamshire Territorials, under their new commandant, Colonel +WETHERED, are going in for chorus-singing practice. This is a good +idea. Sung badly enough, these choruses should prove a valuable weapon +against a musical foe, such as the Germans. + + *** + +Owing to an outbreak of mumps at Harrow School the summer term has +had to close some days earlier than usual. It is characteristic of +the generous nature of the Harrow boys that, in spite of this annoying +interruption of their studies, there has been very little open +expression of resentment against those who introduced the ailment. + + *** + +Coventry's annual Lady Godiva procession took place last week, and was +a success. It is feared, however, that with the advance of fashion +the principal character--who on this occasion was attired in pink +fleshings draped with white chiffon--will be voted overdressed and so +fail to attract. + + *** + +"To be well booted," says _The Times_, "is to feel well dressed, at +the top of one's power and joy." A small boy, however, who was well +booted by a larger boy the other day admits that he received a +good dressing, but holds that, apart from this, _The Times_ was +misinformed. + + *** + +The announcement that in the course of excavations on the site of the +old General Post Office in St. Martin's-le-Grand, some old Roman tile +stamps have been discovered, has caused, we hear, a profound sensation +in philatelic circles. + + *** + +Exceptionally rough weather is reported from the Bay of Biscay, and +it is said that on a certain passenger vessel even the valet of a +well-known nobleman was ill, _although he was an old retainer._ + + *** + +"Fishing with rod and line from a boat in the Downs at Deal," says +_The Daily Mail_, "Lord HERSCHELL and a friend caught 600 fish on +Sunday. The fish, mostly pouting, were hauled in three and four at a +time." We suspect they were pouting to show their annoyance at having +their Sabbath rest disturbed. + + *** + +It is proposed in an L.C.C. report that barges should be used as +open-air schools on the river. Schools of language, presumably. + + *** + +We are asked to deny that the fire which broke out at the bookstall +at the Hampstead station of the North London Railway last week was +produced spontaneously by a copy of one of MISS VICTORIA CROSS's +novels. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bather._ "I SAY! I SAY! THE CURRENT IS FRIGHTFULLY +STRONG; I'M BEING CARRIED OUT." + +_Bathing Attendant._ "ALL RIGHT, SIR, ALL RIGHT! I'VE GOT ME EYE ON +YER!"] + + * * * * * + +THE USES OF OCEAN. + +(_Lines written in an irresponsible holiday mood._) + + To people who allege that we + Incline to overrate the Sea, + I answer, "We do not; + Apart from being coloured blue, + It has its uses not a few-- + I cannot think what we should do + If ever 'the deep did rot.'" + + Take ships, for instance. You will note + That, lacking stuff on which to float, + They could not get about; + Dreadnought and liner, smack and yawl, + And other types that you'll recall-- + They simply could not sail at all + If Ocean once gave out. + + And see the trouble which it saves + To islands; but for all those waves + That made us what we are-- + But for their help so kindly lent, + Teutons could march right through to Kent + And never need to circumvent + A single British tar. + + Take fish, again. I have in mind + No better field that they could find + For exercise and sport; + How would the whale, I want to know, + The blubbery whale contrive to blow; + Where would your playful kipper go + If the supply ran short? + + And hence we rank the Ocean high; + But there are privy reasons why + Its praise is on my lip: + I deem it, when my heart is set + On walking into something wet, + The nicest medium I have met + In which to take a dip. + + Ah, speed the hour already fixed + When, mid the bathers (freely mixed), + In a polite costume + I mean to plunge beneath the spray + And, washing from a soul at play + The City's stain--three times a day-- + Restore its vernal bloom. + + Rocked like a babe upon the brine + It is my dream to float supine + And to the vast inane + Banish awhile from off my chest + The cares that hold it now obsessed, + And even take a clean-cut rest + From Ulster-on-the-brain. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +The Best Holiday Insurance. + +_Mr. Punch_ ventures to hint to the gentlest among his readers that, +while there are excellent methods of insuring against the disturbance +of their holidays by accident or bad weather, the best way for them to +insure happiness is to offer a share of it to those who cannot afford +a holiday of their own. The very easy sum of TEN SHILLINGS means a +Fortnight among green fields or by the sea for one poor child, if +the gift is sent--and now is the moment--to the Earl of ARRAN, Hon. +Treasurer of the Children's Country Holiday Fund, 18, Buckingham +Street, Strand, W.C. + + * * * * * + +THE CRISIS. + + ["Lord Macaulay's prose seems to be finding favour again." + _Oshkosh Sentinel._] + +The place, too, was well fitted for such a gathering. Memories of +departed monarchs spoke from the rich hangings of the room in tones +that were not less eloquent for being silent. Here the FIRST GENTLEMAN +OF EUROPE had displayed the rounded symmetry of those calves which +had defied the serried legions of the French and, in their lighter +moments, had captured the wayward fancies of the fair or mitigated the +harshness of a statesman. This was the chamber where the SAILOR KING, +bluff but not undignified, had jested with his intimates, had smoothed +a frown from the rugged brow of WELLINGTON or held his own against the +eagle glance of GREY; the chamber where the great QUEEN, conscious of +her august destiny, had consecrated to grief such moments as could +be spared from the needs of Empire; the chamber where her son had +laboured for peace and extended the bounds of friendship; the chamber +where a DISRAELI, repaying scorn with scorn, may have spread his +snares, and a GLADSTONE, overwhelmed by the torrent of his own +eloquence, may have fallen into them. + +Nothing was wanting to complete the solemnity of the spectacle. +Outside, the scarlet-coated sentries paced rigidly on their accustomed +rounds, and the populace, hemmed in by the strong arms and the panting +forms of the constabulary, cheered to the echo its favourites or +exchanged with one another the harmless sallies that give pleasure to +a crowd. Within, the KING himself, his face now clouded with anxious +thought, now lit with hope, gave a cordial welcome to the more +unwonted of the guests he had summoned to his presence, while busy +courtiers filled the corridors with an importance which lost nothing +in weight from being unwarranted by knowledge or experience. Lackeys +in the gorgeous liveries of the most brilliant Court in Europe were +in attendance, ready to minister to those whose failing strength might +need refreshment, or to execute with intelligence and despatch the +humbler duties pertaining to their office. + +Nor were the chiefs unworthy of the scene to which they had been +called. There was the Speaker, LOWTHER, his brow beaming with the +good-humour which enabled him to abate pomposity without injuring +the feelings even of the pompous, and to calm with a happy phrase the +agitated waters of debate. There were ASQUITH, strong in the affection +of his friends, and LLOYD GEORGE, braced to action by the invectives +of his foes. There were LAW and LANSDOWNE, staunch defenders of the +citadel in which the last of the Tories, stern and unbending as ever, +had sought refuge. Waterford had sent JOHN REDMOND, the pride and +champion of a nation, the unwearied vindicator of Ireland's right to +govern herself. Through years of contumely and depression he had borne +aloft her standard, and now, when her triumph was all but achieved, +he was here to watch over a settlement which all desired, though +none hitherto had been able to bring it about. With him had come JOHN +DILLON, tall, dignified and stately, whose grey hair and admirable +bearing had won the respect and conciliated the temper of the most +fastidious assembly in the world. Arrayed against these two, sons +of Ireland no less than they, were CARSON and CRAIG; CARSON with his +saturnine face and his swift and piercing intelligence, CRAIG of the +burly form and uncompliant humour. Vowed to the Orange cause, and +dwelling fondly on memories of the Boyne, they denounced with equal +severity the religion of Rome and the political aspirations of the +majority of their fellow-countrymen. Such were the men who were now +met to decide the most momentous issue of our time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POWER BEHIND. + +AUSTRIA (_at the ultimatum stage_). "I DON'T QUITE LIKE HIS ATTITUDE. +SOMEBODY MUST BE BACKING HIM."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GLOSSOMANCY IS THE NEW SCIENCE WHICH ENABLES YOU TO +READ PEOPLE'S CHARACTERS BY THE SHAPE AND SIZE OF THEIR TONGUES. THE +ABOVE CANDIDATE FOR THE POSITION OF PARLOUR-MAID IS IN THE ACT OF +RESPONDING TO AN INQUIRY AS TO WHETHER SHE IS HONEST, INDUSTRIOUS, +GOOD-TEMPERED, TRUTHFUL AND OBLIGING. THERE IS FEAR THAT HER ACTION, +THOUGH PURELY SCIENTIFIC, MAY PROVE FATAL TO THE INTELLIGENT GIRL'S +CHANCES.] + + * * * * * + +MUTABILITY. + +"And now," I said, while the waiter was bringing the bill, "where +would you like to go?" + +"I don't mind," he said. "What about a music-hall? I haven't seen one +for twenty years. There's a cinema about five miles from my place, but +it's too dear. Only the millionaires can use it." + +"Very well, then," I said, "we'll go to a music-hall; but you'll find +that they've changed a bit." + +"I don't mind," he said, "so long as there's something good. There's +so much variety in a music-hall, one turn after another, don't you +know, that you can't go far wrong." + +My spirits sank. East Africa had kept his youth in camphor, and he had +no knowledge of the wonderful advances that we have been making. Turns +indeed! + +"I'll do the best I can for you," I said, "but I'm afraid you'll be +disappointed." + +"Oh, no," he assured me stoutly, "not in a music-hall. I've been +wanting to see one again for years. I suppose Jimmy Fawn isn't still +going?" + +My spirits fell lower. + +We went to one of the regular places, and, as I had feared, found +a revue in full blast. Topical talk, scenery and American songs +interminably. Every time a new person came on the stage my friend +eagerly perked up and lost his depression, hoping that at last it +might be one of his old delights--a juggler or knockabout or something +like that--but always he was disappointed. + +"I say, where are we?" he asked. "This isn't a music-hall, is it?" + +"One of the best," I replied. + +He looked round in dismay. + +"But where are the waiters?" he asked. + +"Not allowed among the audience any more," I told him; "in fact, some +music-halls don't even have licences." + +He stared at me in astonishment and sank into apathy. Coming up again +he said, "Do you remember those two fellows with enormous stomachs and +hooked sticks? They were funny, if you like. Don't you have that sort +of thing any more?" + +"No," I said. + +"Do you remember that act," he said--"I believe it was called the +Risley act--where a man lay on his back, with his legs up in the air, +and flung his family about with his feet? That was jolly clever. Don't +you have that any more?" + +"No," I said. + +"And the Sisters something or other," he said, "dashed pretty girls, +who did everything at the same time--are they gone for ever?" + +"For ever," I said. + +"And no comic songs either?" he asked. + +"You've heard a lot of comic songs this evening," I replied. + +"Oh, those," he said. "I don't call those comic. They're not comic +songs, they're comic-opera songs. Don't you have the others any more?" + +"Not at this kind of hall," I said. "I daresay there may be a singer +or so left somewhere, with too big a coat and too small a hat, but not +here." + +"Then what are all the old performers doing?" he asked. + +"I believe they're starving," I said. + + * * * * * + + "A NOVEL HOSPITAL AT SHEFFIELD."--_Yorkshire Post._ + +Some of them certainly want a bit of doctoring. + + * * * * * + +THE PROGRESS OF MAN. + +(_By our Anthropological Expert._) + +PROFESSOR KEITH, of the Royal College of Surgeons, reporting on the +skeleton of a prehistoric twelve-year-old boy recently discovered near +Ipswich, pronounces his stature to be much the same as the average +height of a modern boy of the same age, but the size of the head is +remarkably large. The professor states that he and his colleagues are +trying to get hold of people of every period, going as far back as +they can. They will then be able to differentiate the types that lived +in any period, and check the changes that came over them. So far, +however, there has been very little change. + +Perhaps the most striking result of Professor KEITH's appeal so +far has come from the Isle of Man, where a magnificent three-legged +skeleton has been discovered in the Caves of Bradda. The remains have +been pronounced by Professor Quellin, the famous Manx anthropologist, +to be those of a man not less than 175 years of age, whose facial +angle bears so marked a resemblance to that of Mr. HALL CAINE as to +warrant the hypothesis that he was one of the royal ancestors of the +eminent novelist. Close to the skeleton was a long bronze trumpet, +from which Professor Quellin, after several ineffectual efforts, +ultimately succeeded in eliciting a deep booming note. Mr. HALL CAINE, +who has taken the liveliest interest in the discovery, is at present +studying the instrument, and will, it is hoped, give a recital shortly +in the House of Keys. + +The recent excavations at the famous Culbin Sands, undertaken by the +Forres Antiquarian Institute, have also resulted in some remarkable +finds. Prominent among these is a complete set of golf clubs belonging +to the Bronze period. In regard to length the clubs are very much the +same as the average implements used at the present day, but the large +size of the heads is remarkable, the niblick weighing nearly half a +hundredweight. It is plausibly inferred that clubs of this pattern may +also have been used as weapons, as the dwellers in this district in +the Bronze period are known to have been of a warlike and tumultuous +disposition. The game is believed to have been introduced by some +Maccabaean settlers, the ancestors of the clan of Macbeth, who +flourished in the vicinity. + +In that fine spirit of enterprise which has always characterised _The +Daily Lyre_, the proprietors of that periodical have offered a prize +of L5,000 for the most characteristic relic of ancient and modern +British civilization, to be sent in by October 1. Already several +notable exhibits have been forwarded for the competition. Mr. Ronald +McLurkin, of Tain, has submitted portions of the boiler of an ancient +locomotive, apparently used on the Highland Railway in the time of the +Boer War. Dr. Edgar Hollam, of Brancaster, has sent a fine specimen of +a fossilised Norfolk biffin, and Miss Sheila Muldooney, of Skibbereen, +a copy of _The Skibbereen Eagle_ containing the historic announcement +that it had its eye on the Tsar of RUSSIA. Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER sends +a daguerreotype of himself in knickerbockers with side whiskers and +moustache, and Mr. BERNARD SHAW the first interview with himself +that he ever wrote. It appeared in _The Freeman's Journal_ in the +"seventies" and is illustrated with six portraits, in one of which +Mr. SHAW appears in an Eton suit and a tall hat, "the only one I ever +possessed." + +Sir HENRY HOWARTH has forwarded a copy of _The Times_ containing +his first contribution to that journal, a letter occupying a +column-and-a-half of small print, on the mammoth as a domestic pet in +the Court of the early Moghul Emperors. Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL competes +with an essay which he wrote, while a schoolboy at Harrow, on the +dangers of Democracy; and Master ANTHONY ASQUITH has sent the rough +notes of a Lecture on "The Balliol Manner" which he delivered many +years ago before a select audience at Claridge's. The contrast in form +and thought between this crude essay and his recent lectures on the +mysticism of RABINDRANATH TAGORE is quite amazing. We may also briefly +note the MS. version of an early sonnet by Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, addressed +to Sir SIDNEY LEE; several safety-pins and a sponge-bag which once +belonged to CHARLOTTE BRONTE and are now entered for the competition +by Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER; and a hot-water bottle used by S. T. COLERIDGE +when he was writing "The Ancient Mariner," now in the possession of +Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE. + +The interesting point that emerges so far is that while little change +is observable in the physique, habits and manners of the British, +as illustrated by these relics, up to the last ten years or so, the +development in every direction, since the foundation of _The Daily +Lyre_, has been quite extraordinarily rapid and pronounced. For +instance, a cast of the head of a modern "nut" shows a compactness +which compares most favourably with the overgrown cranium of the +prehistoric boy reported on by Professor KEITH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Captain of the Preparatory School._ "WELL, +YOUNGSTER, WHAT IS IT? WANT MY AUTOGRAPH?"] + + * * * * * + + "To-day there are 2,000,000 muskrats in Bohemia, and, like + rabbits in Australia, they are spreading all over the fruitful + regions of the province and destroying fish in the breeding + ponds."--_Daily Mail._ + +You should see our rabbit destroying our trout. + + * * * * * + + "She was a flesh and blood woman, fit to be the mother of + husky sons."--_"Daily Sketch" feuilleton._ + +They would constantly rise up and call her blessed, and this would +account for their hoarseness. (Jones's jujubes are the best.) + + * * * * * + + "The sturgeon ... consists of fish, flesh, and fowl, the + latter part commanding a good saleable price."--_Carlisle + Journal._ + +The wings are particularly tender. + + * * * * * + +Fashions for Men. + + "Lord Salisbury came with Lady Beatrice Ormsby-Gore, wearing + blue charmeuse."--_Daily Mail._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Worthy._ "AH, I USED TO BE AS FOND OF A DROP +O' BEER AS ANYONE, BUT NOWADAYS IF I DO TAKE TWO OR DREE GALLONS IT DO +KNOCK I OVER!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR COLOSSAL ARRANGEMENTS. + +One of the most appalling scandals of modern times is the disgraceful +suppression by the Ginger-beer Press of news relating to the state of +affairs in the Isle of Wight. For some weeks we have not flinched +from filling our columns with picturesque accounts of the epoch-making +events taking place there; and yet the Ginger-beer Press has cruelly +put off its readers with the scantiest details, or else refrained from +any sort of reference. We make our protest all the more vigorously +because many of those readers have been driven to read our own journal +in preference to the erroneous and misleading sheets to which we have +referred. + +This distressing state of things has forced us to make the fullest +arrangements for a constant stream of news to be supplied from our +branch offices at Ventnor, Totland Bay, the Needles, and other points +of the Island. We have despatched a huge staff of world-famous war +correspondents, descriptive writers, poets, photographers, Royal +Academy artists, gallopers, commissariat officers, and trained +bloodhounds. Field kitchens, field wireless equipment, and field +glasses are included among their impedimenta, and no single message +will be printed in our pages that has not been sent in some other +way than through the ordinary channels of the post, telephone and +telegraph. Each member of this army of artists, litterateurs and +tacticians possesses a hip pocket, fully loaded, two pairs of puttees, +a compass and a wrist watch. + +Every day scores of women and children are leaving the Isle of Wight +for the mainland. Gunboats and cruisers are passing and repassing +before its shores, by order of the Admiralty; strong, silent men are +doggedly pursuing the business they have in hand. In the very heart +of the island some of the flower of the youth of our country is +being trained in the art of naval warfare, while the thunders of +gun-practice are heard every hour around the coast. Yet, search where +you will in the Ginger-beer Press during the last few weeks, you will +find practically no reference to these things. + +We implore our readers, on the highest patriotic grounds, to inform +the few remaining adherents of the Ginger-beer Press that if they +desire the Truth it can be found only in our pages. + +We have the pleasure of printing below the first of the astonishing +articles which have been sent already from our Expeditionary Staff:-- + +THE PRELIMINARY CALM. + +_By Blinton X. Krapt._ + +The streets of Cowes are bathed in sunlight. Smart yachtsmen, +accompanied by daintily dressed ladies, walk hither and thither. The +shopkeepers chat pleasantly. The burly policeman drowsily pursues +his way. Children shout happily. Surely here is peace, says the +unsuspecting visitor. + +A brown-faced man with a light beard and a heavy tread approached +us. "It is all right," said my companion to him; "this gentleman is +a friend." Then, lowering his voice, he added: "_He came over last +night._" "Beautiful place, Cowes, isn't it?" said the bronzed man. I +noticed that his hip pocket bulged. Yet none would have suspected that +his conversation was not of a perfectly ordinary character. + +Entering the most sumptuous hotel in Cowes we had lunch. There was +nothing sinister about the place except that the waiters were German. +But I noted signs of understanding between them and my friend. "I have +been here before," he explained, with a quick glance about him. + +So life goes on from day to day. We are waiting, waiting. The little +boot-maker in his shop is waiting. The tailor is waiting. The hotel +staffs are waiting. The passengers on the railway platforms are +waiting. On the surface life is gay and free from care; but what I may +have to tell you when it comes round to my turn to write again, who +can say? + + * * * * * + +THE TOP SLICE. + + +I. + +_Letter from Mrs. Gregory-Browne to + Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe. + Upper Tooting, + 21st July, 1914._ + +MY DEAREST AGATHA,--I must tell you about an extraordinary occurrence. +They were all quite respectable people, indeed most respectable. +Perhaps I ought not to include Mr. Jones. He is, you know (I mention +this in the strictest confidence, dearest), he is not--well, you know, +he hardly belongs to our set. I cannot understand why James is so +absurdly fond of him. + +It was my At Home day last week and quite a lot of people, really nice +people too, came in spite of the heat. The heat may have had something +to do with it, but I really cannot think what it was. + +I handed a plate of bread-and-butter to Miss Niccole. To my surprise +she hesitated a moment and then took the plate and handed it to me. +When I declined she offered it to Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson. You +know, dear, she is fourth cousin to a baronet. Then the extraordinary +thing occurred. Mrs. Fitzroy-Williams-Adamson took the plate and +offered it to Miss Niccole. When Miss Niccole declined it she offered +it to Mr. Wildegoose (pronounced Wildergos, you know, dear). Then it +was his turn. And so it went on. Really, it was most extraordinary. +Nothing like it has ever been known in our family. I really cannot +understand it. + +Everybody passed the plate, and at last it came to Mr. Jones. He +pointed at the top piece of bread-and-butter. Yes, he actually +pointed. He then made the following extraordinary remark: "I say, +hasn't this broken loose from the bread-pudding, what, what?" +Thereupon he pushed it on one side and took the next slice. I was +ashamed and mortified for such a thing to happen in my house. Really, +it was most extraordinary. + +Mr. Allen, the new curate, came in just then. He took the top slice, +but I caught him absent-mindedly putting it in a flower-pot. When he +saw me looking at him he blushed and started--started eating it, +I mean. However, he left most of it, and when everyone was gone +I examined it. It was perhaps a little hardened by the sun, but +otherwise it was quite a nice piece of bread-and-butter. I cannot +understand it at all. The whole thing was really most extraordinary +... most extraordinary. + + Your ever loving SARAH. + + +II. + +_Letter from Mrs. Ribbanson-Smythe to + Mrs. Gregory-Browne. + Chiswick, + 22nd July, 1914._ + +MY DEAREST SARAH,--I have just read your most interesting letter, +and I quite agree that the whole occurrence was, as you say, most +extraordinary. I mentioned it to George. He says he has no doubt at +all that it was really a sound piece of bread-and-butter. I don't know +whether the enclosed cutting will help you to understand, but I am +sending it. It is from last Saturday's _Tooting Argus_. Somebody sent +it to George. + + Your loving AGATHA. + + +III. + +Extract from _The Tooting Argus:_-- + +GREAT NEW FEATURE. + +PROBLEMS OF CONDUCT. + +(CONDUCTED BY REGINALD AUGUSTUS PLANTAGENET-HARRIS.) + +_Problem 3._--A. is paying a call. His hostess offers him +bread-and-butter. He notices that the top piece has suffered from the +heat. What should A. do? + +Answer adjudged correct.--A. should politely take the plate from his +hostess, murmuring, "May I offer it to you?" If she refuses he should +offer it to his nearest neighbour. When the offending slice has been +got rid of in this way he can help himself to the next slice and then +return the plate to its owner. + +Highly commended.--A. should explain to his hostess that he has a +peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices of bread-and-butter from +the houses of the great. His collection of Royal Family slices is +unrivalled. Might he have the pleasure and honour of adding to his +collection this dainty specimen? He should then reverently fold the +slice in two and place it in his breast-pocket. + +[Our only objection to this is that it seems a rather greasy thing to +do.] + +Incorrect answers:--(1) A. should make a facetious remark, such as, +"Hasn't this escaped from the bread pudding?" He should then playfully +but firmly push the slice aside and trust to luck on the next. + +(2) A. must out of courtesy to his hostess accept thankfully whatever +she places before him. Any other course of conduct would be an +affront. It now however becomes his personal property and he can adopt +whichever of the following courses is most convenient-- + +(a) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot or in the gramophone. + +(b) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the +dog may get it. + +NOTE.--If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, "I +cannot understand how any animal can decline such delightful +bread-and-butter." He can then openly dispose of it in the grate or +the waste-paper-basket on the ground that the dog's nose has vitiated +its freshness. + + * * * * * + +LOVE'S LABOUR WELL LOST. + +[_Lines inspired by a dark lady, who remarked_, a propos _of a recent +disaster, that all fair girls were untrustworthy._] + + Phyllis hath a roving eye, + Palest blue--a candid feature + Which informs the passer-by + Phyllis is a flighty creature; + Golden locks and fair complexion + Also point in that direction. + + I, who had arranged to be + Joined to Phyllis by the vicar, + Now that she has jilted me + Scorn to seek relief in liquor. + Or the tears that folk are shedding + (Having missed a swagger wedding). + + He who stole my love away + Cannot hope for long survival, + And I pity him to-day + As I did a former rival + Who believed her single-hearted + When my own flirtation started. + + * * * * * + +The Journalistic Touch. + +I. + + "The Imperial yacht with the Tsar and Imperial Family on + board steamed through the British lines yesterday, afterwards + lunching on the British flagship."--_Bombay Chronicle._ + +II. + +Of the Rose Walk at Purley:-- + + "Then the material loveliness becomes the diaphanous veil + through which glint realities of which all phenomena are + expressions."--_Croydon Advertiser & Surrey County Reporter._ + +III. + + "His memory and his noble face, and reverend crown of snow, + will be a green spot, and indelibly written in our minds, + whilst life lasts."--_Methodist Recorder._ + + * * * * * + + "The work of restoring the church tower at Cheriton Bishop has + been completed, and Mr. Leach has been completed, and Mr. + W. Leach has entertained the men engaged on the work at + tea."--_Western Morning News._ + +And so everyone is satisfied. + + * * * * * + + "To-day two Greek documents (one of them dated 88 B.C., and + supposed to be the earliest document on parchment known) will + be sold."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Scholarly letter-writers before the Christian era were always careful +to put B.C. after the year. + + * * * * * + +THE YOUNG OF THE SEA-SERPENT. + +With the approach of the silly season one's thoughts turn naturally +to the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets +of authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. An +infinite variety of topics, our representative gathered yesterday, is +now on the eve of discussion, and the quill that cannot find something +to say on at least one of them had better return to its native goose +without delay. + +"Mother of Ten," we were informed by the courteous editor of _The +Halfpenny Bleater_, will as usual open that journal's discussion, and +this year her thoughts have turned to bathing fatalities. "Should +Land Crabs Learn Swimming" is the subject which she (or, to betray +an office secret, he) has selected. Due emphasis on the necessity for +university costume in the case of an affirmative reply to the question +will be laid by "Paterfamilias," who will contribute the second letter +of the series. + +_The Morning Dip_ will maintain its reputation for intellectuality +with a spiritual discussion on "Has Life a Double Meaning?" or +"Is Existence a Joke?"--the exact title has not yet been decided. +"Constant Reader" has already bought a penny packet of assorted +stationery and charged it to the office petty cash, and only a really +good murder can prevent the early appearance of his letter. As readers +will remember, correct spelling is a feature of this author's work. + +In pursuance of its settled policy _The Daily Giggle_ will appeal more +especially to the fair sex. There is more than a touch of pathos +in the signature "Orphan Boy," which will appear at the foot of his +letter on the subject, "Are First Cousins Kissable?" + +Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in +_The Daily Jingo_, where "Pro Bono Publico" will lay down his views on +"Our Softening Sinews." In his well-known style, which is so happy a +blend of public spirit and split infinitives, he will plead for less +indulgence in our dealings with the young. "We are," he says in his +peroration, which we were privileged to see, "raising up a soft breed, +and we shall live to bitterly rue it. The future of the race is, of +course, on the knees of the gods, but let us determine to also lay +it across the knee of parent and schoolmaster. So shall the rising +generation learn the merits of the strong right arm that has made +England what it is." + +In conjunction with _The Perfect Little Lady_, which will discuss "The +Highest Type of Man," the editor of _The Brain Pan_ will throw open +his columns to all those with views on "The Most Attractive Girl." For +the start he has secured the services of "Virile Englishman," who +will put aside her knitting to take up the pen in obedience to his +commands. _The Perfect Little Lady_'s first letter will be contributed +by "Sweet Seventeen," who has studied her subject by diligent +attendance at all the best boxing matches of the current year. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Anglo-Indian Child._ "WHAT'S THIS, DADDY?" + +_Father._ "THAT'S LIVER, MY DEAR." + +_Child._ "LIVER! WHOSE LIVER?" + +_Father._ "SHEEP'S LIVER." + +_Child._ "AH! I WONDER WHAT GAVE _IT_ LIVER!"] + + * * * * * + + "'I do not see why, I do not see why,' he repeated, rising up + and down."--_The Times._ + +We do not see how. + + * * * * * + +A New Way to Deal with the Cold. + + "Originally fitted with luxurious saloons and cabins for + tourists to Greenland and Spitzbergen, the Endurance is a + very different ship to-day. Her cabins are being turned into + store-rooms and officers and crew will sleep in odd corners, + for two years' provisions have to be curried."--_Evening + News._ + + * * * * * + + "The music of Borodin, the composer of 'Prince Igor,' is + little known in England, apart from the Polovtsienne Dances + which, owing to their wind and barbaric character, have + been so popular a feature of the performances of the Russian + Ballet."--_Musical Opinion._ + +Why drag in the wind? The strings were just as good as the wind when +we were there. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD. + +_New Maid._ "VOILA, MA'M'SELLE." + +_Debutante._ "HEAVENS, MY GOOD GIRL, THAT WON'T DO. HERE, GIVE ME THE +THINGS. WHY, HALF-WAY ACROSS THE ROOM NO ONE WOULD SEE I WAS MADE UP +AT ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +FACT AND FABLE. + + For miles I'd tramped by down and hill; + With eve I found the happy ending; + All in the sunset, golden chill, + The collie met me, grave, befriending. + I saw the roof-tree down the vale, + Brave fields of harvest spread thereunder; + The collie waved a feathery tail + And led me to the House of Wonder. + + Houses, like people, so I've thought, + Bear character upon their faces, + Born of their company and wrought + Upon by inward gifts and graces: + Here, through the harvest's gold array + And evening's mellow _far niente_, + Looked kindliness and work-a-day, + And happy hours and peace and plenty. + + And, lo, it seemed the Downs amid + I'd found a folded bit of Britain, + Laid by in lavender and hid + The year--let's say--_Tom Jones_ was written; + An old farm manor-house it is + With fantails fluttering on the gables, + A place of men and memories + And solid facts and homespun fables. + + For Fact: a fortnight passed me by + Mid ancient oak and secret panel + And strawberries of late July + And distant glimpses of the Channel; + Fair morns to wake on--were they not?-- + Full of the pigeons' coo and cadence, + Each day a page of CALDECOTT, + All cream and flowers and pretty maidens. + + For Fable: as I smoked a pipe + And havered with a black-haired cowman, + Grey-eyed, in that fine Celtic type, + As much the poet as the ploughman-- + "Seems kind of lucky here," said I; + "The very ducklings look more downy + Than others do." He grinned: "An' why? + May happen, Sir, we feeds a brownie! + + "'There isn't many left,' says you; + As hearts grow hard the breed gets rarer; + Yet, when he goes, the luck goes too, + And prices fall and boards be barer; + But if so be you does your part + An' feeds him fair and treats folk proper, + Keepin' for all the kindly heart-- + The lucky Lad's a certain stopper!" + + *** + + Well, should you go by Butser way + And hit the god-sent path, and follow, + You'll find, at closing of the day, + The old house in the valley-hollow, + Laid by in lavender, forgot, + The home of peace and ancient plenty; + A brownie may be there or not-- + The hearts are kind enough for twenty! + + * * * * * + +Cause and Effect? + + "Of the five catalpa trees in the Embankment-gardens the + finest has been blighted. The tree is close to the National + Liberal Club."--_Leicester Daily Mercury._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OF THE DAWN?] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +[Illustration: Snapshots of certain Members who were _not_ on +their way to or from the Conference. Their expressions reflect the +pessimistic view which they entertained from the first as to its +chance of success in their absence. + +(Sir WILLIAM BYLES, Mr. HOGGE, Mr. KEIR HARDIE, Mr. JOHN WARD, Mr. +WILLIAM O'BRIEN, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.)] + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 20._--The T. R. Westminster is at +least equal to the old T. R. Drury Lane in capacity for producing +dramatic turns. When Members went off on Saturday for week-end holiday +the Ulster attitude was pretty generally understood. Ulster demanded +"a clean cut," with the alternative, phrased by CARSON, of "Come over +and fight us." The Cabinet after prolonged deliberation had resolved +to meet demand with firm _non possumus_: PREMIER was expected on +resumption of Sittings this afternoon to announce conclusion of +matter, adding such offer of concession on matter of detail as, whilst +providing golden bridge for Opposition, would avert revolt in his own +camp, where "conversations" with leaders of Opposition are regarded +with growing jealousy and suspicion. + +New stage in long-drawn-out controversy sufficient to create +profoundest interest in to-day's proceedings. It would surely be the +beginning of the end. What exactly the PREMIER would say about further +concession to Ulster, and how the overtures would be received on Front +Opposition Bench, were questions on which might hang the issue of +peace or war. + +PREMIER had a more startling message to deliver. From point of view +of dramatic effect it was a thousand pities his secret had been +prematurely disclosed. When he rose amid profound stillness of +crowded House everyone knew what he was going to say. In ordinary +circumstances his interposition at so critical a juncture would have +been hailed by resounding applause from the multiform sections that +contribute to making up of Ministerial majority. As matters turned +out, a frigid cheer greeted his appearance at the Table. To the +announcement that "in view of the grave situation the KING has thought +it right to summon representatives of Parties, both British and Irish, +to a Conference in Buckingham Palace, with the object of discussing +outstanding issues in relation to the problem of Irish government," he +had only one new thing to add. It was that the SPEAKER would preside +over the Conference. + +This was the only passage in the brief formal conversation, to which +LEADER OF OPPOSITION and LEADER OF IRISH NATIONALISTS contributed, +that elicited general cheer. A high tribute to occupant of the Chair. + +GINNELL saw his opportunity and seized it by the hair. He is one of +three leaders of the Irish Nationalists. Understood that his Party +consists of a single member, so shadowy that there are varied reports +as to his identity. Member for N.W. Meath leaped on to pinnacle of +enduring fame when the present Parliament met to elect a Speaker. +Before Mr. LOWTHER was qualified to take the Chair, and whilst as yet +no recognised authority existed, GINNELL, master of the situation, +delivered a long harangue. Proposed now to offer a few remarks "as an +independent Irish Nationalist." + +SPEAKER on point of order restricting him to putting a question, +he "begged to ask the PRIME MINISTER what precedent he had and +what authority to advise the KING to place himself at the head of a +conspiracy to defeat the decision of this House?" + +"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table," +said the SPEAKER. + +The observation did not appear relevant. It met the occasion. It +brought up LEVERTON HARRIS, newly elected for East Worcestershire, who +found his welcome the warmer by reason of the fact that he had been a +passive instrument in avoiding what might under less adroit management +have developed into a disorderly scene. + +_Business done._--PREMIER announces Conference upon Ulster question to +meet at Buckingham Palace on the invitation of HIS MAJESTY. + +_Tuesday._--Dull sitting closed in lively conversation arising on +motion for adjournment. RUPERT GWYNNE, jealous for due observance of +traditions of House, has noticed with concern the departure for Canada +for indefinite period of Member for East St. Pancras. At Question +time asked CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER whether Mr. MARTIN had applied for +Chiltern Hundreds. Answered in the negative, he put a further question +to PREMIER, directing his attention to Act of 6 HENRY VIII. c. 16, +ordering that no Member of Parliament shall absent himself from +attendance except he have licence of Mr. SPEAKER. This upon pain of +having his wages docked. PREMIER brushed him aside with one of his +brief answers. + +GWYNNE not the man to be shouldered off the path of duty when it +lies straight before him. Here was a Member in receipt of L400 a year +leaving the place of business where it was assumed to be earned, not +even taking the trouble to follow example of the clerk who, left +in sole charge of his master's office, wrote in legible hand, "Back +D'reckly," affixed notice to front door and went forth to enjoyment of +prolonged meal. + +Since he could get no satisfaction at Question time he kept Members +in, after hour of adjournment, in order to debate subject. + +Unfortunately it turned out that he was not exactly the man to +have undertaken the job. Amid laughter and hilarious cheering HOME +SECRETARY pointed out that here was a case of Satan reproving sin. +Reference to the records showed that during the time payment of +Members has been in vogue, of 687 divisions GWYNNE was absent from +424. (GWYNNE later corrected these figures.) During that time he had +drawn from the Exchequer salary amounting to L1,000. + +"On his own principle, that payment should be in proportion to +attendance, the hon. Member," said the HOME SECRETARY, "is entitled +to only L400. Being so conscientious no doubt he will repay to the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER the balance of L600." + +HELMSLEY, gallantly coming to assistance of friend in dire straits, +himself fell into the bog. It appeared that of 1056 divisions taken in +two Sessions he had been absent from 602. Here was another unexpected +little windfall for the Exchequer. + +At this stage it was found expedient to drop the subject; adjournment +not further resisted. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill dealt with on Report stage. + +_Thursday._--With that austerity that since Stuart times has marked +relations of House of Commons with royalty Mr. HOGGE is known at +Westminster simply as the Member for East Edinburgh, a position he +with characteristic modesty accepts. But blood, especially royal +blood, like murder, will out. Lineal descendant of one of the oldest +dynasties in the world's history, Mr. HOGGE cannot be expected always +and altogether to be free from ancestral influence. Something of the +hauteur of 'OGGE, King of Bashan (or, as some records have it, OG) +is discerned in his attitude and manner when, throned on corner seat +below Gangway, he occasionally deigns to direct the PRIME MINISTER in +the way he should go. + +Such opportunity presented itself in connection with meeting of +Conference which through the Parliamentary week has centred upon +Buckingham Palace the attention of mankind. With respect to palaces +Mr. HOGGE is by family association an expert. + +"Why Rookery?" _Miss Betsey Trotwood_ sharply asked _David +Copperfield_ when he casually mentioned his mother's postal address. + +"Why Buckingham Palace?" asked Mr. HOGGE, bending severe glance on +Treasury Bench whence the PREMIER had judiciously fled. + +St. Stephen's, which houses the Member for East Edinburgh, is also a +royal palace. Why then was not the Conference held within its walls, +instead of under the roof of what he loftily alluded to as "the +domestic Palace"? + +This and much more, with covert references to machinations of the two +Front Benches, Mr. HOGGE wanted to know. + +The PRIME MINISTER, uneasily conscious of the coming storm, had, +as mentioned, discreetly disappeared. As an offering to righteous +indignation he left behind him on the Treasury Bench the body of +ATTORNEY-GENERAL. That astute statesman avoided difficulty and +personal disaster by meekly undertaking to lay before the PRIME +MINISTER the views so eloquently and pointedly set forth by the hon. +Member. + +Mr. HOGGE graciously assented to this course, and what at the outset +looked like threatening incident terminated. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Third Reading without a division. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Waiter._ "WHAT SAUCE WILL YOU TAKE WIZ YOUR FISH, +SAIR?" + +_Polite Customer._ "WELL, WHAT DISINFECTANTS HAVE YOU?"] + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Hogge: Can the Prime Minister say whether any of those + taking part in the Conference attached any conditions to their + entering the Conference? + + 'I cannot sty,' replied the Premier."--_Evening News._ + +Was this quite worthy of the PRIME MINISTER? We ourselves do not care +for these personal jokes on people's names. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Asquith's statement was thus of sensational interest, + because it represented the last effort at the eleventh minute + of the eleventh hour to avert Civil War."--_Dublin Evening + Mail._ + +No need to hurry. There are still forty-nine minutes left. + + * * * * * + +The Finances of Cricket. + + "Cumberland batted first and reached the total of L272, C. A. + Hardcastle (87), R. B. Brown (41), and R. C. Saint (27) being + the chief contributors."--_Daily News and Leader._ + + * * * * * + +Suggested mottoes for the L.C.C.:-- + + "PROGRESS MODERATELY." + + "TRAM UP A CHILD." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR DEVELOPING A "WHITE HOPE" AMONGST OUR +'BUS- AND TAXI-DRIVERS.] + + * * * * * + +THE MISSIONARY. + + Where Oriental calm derides + Our Occidental stress + And Ninety-seven E. collides + With Five-and-twenty S., + + You'll find a product of the West, + A Bachelor of Arts, + Who blends a mind of youthful zest + With patriarchal parts. + + Each morning mid his rubber trees + He rides an ancient hack, + A cassock girt above his knees, + A topee tilted back. + + Now reining in his steed to preach + A parable on sap, + Now vaulting from his seat to teach + The proper way to tap. + + His swart disciples knit their brows + O'er algebraic signs; + They build their byres, they milk their cows + On scientific lines. + + They use his microscope and gaze + On strange bacterial risks; + They tuns their daily hymns of praise + To gramophonic discs. + + And every evening after grace, + When converts clear the cloth, + He pins an orchid to its place + Or camphorates a moth. + + Out of the world his path may run, + Yet still in worldly wise + He'll talk of feats with rod or gun, + A twinkle in his eyes, + + And tell of tiger-stalking nights, + Of mornings with the snipe, + With never a pause save when he lights + An antiquated pipe. + + We others earn our pensioned ease, + The furlough of our kind; + We book our berths, we cross the seas, + But he shall stay behind, + + Plodding his round of feast and fast, + Dreaming the dreams of yore, + Of England as he saw her last + In 1884. + + J. M. S. + + * * * * * + +More Impending Apologies. + +I. + + "GREAT GALA NIGHT + WHEN + JOSEPHINE DAVIS + WILL BID 'AU REVOIR' TO BOMBAY + BY SPECIAL REQUEST." + + _Bombay Chronicle._ + +II. + + "At the hour of six the Rev. S. F. Collier gave out the only + possible hymn-- + + 'And are we yet alive + And see each other's face!'" + + _Yorkshire Post._ + + * * * * * + +THE GESTICULATORS. + +The supper-room was so full that I quite expected to find that, since +I was so late, the harassed head-waiter had taken the liberty of +presuming my death and letting someone else have my table; but there +it was, empty and ready for me. I sank into a chair with a feeling +of relief and, having ordered something to eat, began to examine the +room. There was not a spare place; everyone was eating and talking and +unusual excitement was in the air. From my remote corner I could not +catch any words, but the odd thing was that at every table one at +least of the men, who were all in evening-dress, was waving his arms. +Now and then a man would stand up to do this better. It was as though +they were all deaf and dumb, or cinema actors. + +The next day at lunch I had a similar experience. I patronized another +restaurant, which seemed to be equally popular, and again every man +was gesticulating in a style totally foreign to the staid apathetic +Londoner. What could it mean? What was the reason? + +I asked the waiter. He laughed. "Ah," he said, "I have notice it too. +It is funny, is it not? Zey all show each other how CARPENTIER won on +ze foul." + + * * * * * + +AN ERROR IN ARCADY. + +People who know us both have often expressed a doubt as to whether +Charles or myself is the more absent-minded and unobservant. I wish to +set the matter at rest once and for all. + +We were discussing William's wedding, which had just taken place, +romantically enough, in the very heart of Herts--one of those quaint +little villages where no sound seems to disturb the silence of the +long summer day but the gentle bleating of horn to horn and the murmur +of innumerable tyres. Both of us had been there, and Charles came +round to talk to me about it a few evenings afterwards. + +"I do hope the poor dear fellow will be happy," he said, lighting his +fifth match and pulling away vigorously at an ugly-looking briar. + +"It really goes much better with tobacco in it," I said, passing him +my pouch. "Why on earth shouldn't William be happy? It seemed a very +pretty wedding. Did you notice how the rays of the sun coming through +the window lit up the best man's boots?" + +"I daresay, I daresay," he replied. "As a matter of fact I couldn't +see the church part of it very well: I came late and was behind a +pillar at the back." + +"Well, it all went beautifully," I told him. "Everybody stood up and +sat down in the wrong places as usual, and the friends of the bride +looked with extreme _hauteur_ at the friends of the bridegroom, and +_vice versa_. I suppose you went to the reception afterwards. I never +saw you at all except for a moment on the platform going back. You +must have shaken hands with the happy pair and examined the presents?" + +"I went to the house," said Charles. "I went in a motor-car on a seat +that took two men to hold down, and that hit me hard when I tried to +stand up. I caught a glimpse of William, but I couldn't find the room +where the presents were set out, so I went through almost at once +into the garden, where the feasting was going on. Do tell me about the +gifts. Was my little pepper-castor hung on the line?" + +"I didn't notice that," I said, "but my butter-dish was doing itself +proud. It had sneaked up to a magnificent toast-rack with stabling +accommodation for about eight pieces, given by somebody with a title. +And you ought to have seen the fish-slices. The fish-slices wore +gorgeous. I expect William will spend a great part of his married +life in slicing fish. It will be a great change from golf-balls. But I +think you really ought to have said a few hearty and well-chosen words +to the young people." + +"That's just it," replied Charles in a mournful voice. "I did. I +talked to the bride." + +"Hang it, so did I!" I exclaimed rather indignantly. "Directly I got +in I went up to William and her and said to her, 'How glad you must be +it's all over!' and then quite suddenly it struck me that that wasn't +really the best thing to say in the circumstances, so I blushed and +trod on William's toe and passed on. What did you do in the garden?" + +"Well, I wandered about on the lawn where there were lots and lots of +people," said Charles. "I didn't seem to meet anyone I knew, but the +flower-beds were most beautifully kept. I have seldom seen such a +display of cress sandwiches and champagne. After a bit I strolled down +through the shrubberies, went through a little wooden gate and found +myself amongst the raspberry canes. About a quarter of an hour later, +after a little fruity refreshment, whom should I meet walking along a +quiet shady path but the bride herself, all alone." + +"Stealing away to get one last raspberry at the dear old home," I +said. "How romantic! What did you do? Hide?" + +"No," answered Charles bitterly. "I only wish I had. I felt that now +or never was the time. I went straight up to her, and, feeling that +to talk about the weather or the theatres on such an occasion would be +rather footling, in spite of the fact that we'd never been introduced, +I plunged straight into it. 'You've never seen me before in your +life,' I said earnestly, 'because you haven't got eyes in the back of +your head, and I've never seen you because I can't look through stone. +What's more, I'm only a little silver pepper-castor, an insignificant +item in your cruet. But I must tell you how delighted I am to have a +chance of speaking to you.'" + +"What did she say to that?" I asked. + +"Well, you'd never believe it, but the girl looked quite nervous and +frightened, and positively began to walk away from me. I supposed I'd +begun on the wrong tack, so I hurried after her and started again. +'Marriage is a state full of the most serious responsibilities,' I +said, 'but one glance at you shows me that you are fully competent to +shoulder them all.'" + +"That sounds as if you thought she looked a trifle statuesque," I +said. "Did she seem annoyed?" + +"Worse," replied Charles. "She hurried on again without speaking a +word. 'Stop,' I cried, 'stop! I am a friend of the fairy prince;' and +just then we came out on to a piece of lawn, and she gave a little +shriek and actually ran away, leaving me standing where I was. I was +so ashamed and exhausted that I slunk back through the little gate and +had some more raspberries. When I had partially recovered I returned +to the upper part of the garden again, had two cups of tea in the big +tent, and made my way back to the station, where I saw you. If you +hadn't got into another carriage I should have told you about it at +the time." + +"Then you never saw them going away at all?" I said. + +"No," replied Charles; "did you?" + +"Did I not?" said I. "You wouldn't believe the amount of rice I +started their married life with. About two milk puddings' worth, I +should say. And so you are not quite satisfied with William's choice?" + +"Well, she seems to me to be rather an unresponsive and timid sort +of person," said Charles. "Not tactful, nor likely to make what the +newspapers call a charming hostess. I should have liked dear William +to marry someone who would be a social success." + +I smoked for some time in silence, and then I had an idea. + +"How was the bride dressed when you saw her, Charles?" I asked. + +"Do I know how women are dressed? She was in white, of course, and +hadn't a hat on." + +"But she had a train and a veil, I suppose. She hadn't a short skirt +by any chance?" + +"Goodness, how do I know?" he replied. "I didn't notice all that. Why +do you ask?" + +"Well, you only saw her once, you see," I said, "and you went through +that little gate at the bottom of the garden, didn't you?" + +"I did," said Charles. "What's that got to do with it?" + +"Nothing, nothing. Only I know that there were some people playing +tennis at the next house, and very likely the two gardens are +connected, and I'm wondering whether that girl----" + +"Good heavens," said Charles.... "You haven't got such a thing as a +hairpin about you, have you? This pipe's stopped up." + + * * * * * + + "The Nambudiri school is progressing with the French motto of + 'Festina lente!'"--_The Malabar Herald._ + +More progress might be made with the old Latin tag, "_Trop de zele._" + + * * * * * + + "'As long as I can play as good a game of golf as I did to-day + I will never get any cider,' was Mr. Rockefeller's reply to + one of the friends who called to congratulate him."--_New York + Sun._ + +He may, however, get older, even then. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIETY NOTES. + +WE ARE SORRY TO HEAR THAT, THROUGH THE INCONSIDERATE ACTION OF THE +ANTIQUATED PEOPLE WHO STILL TAKE DOGS TO THE PARK, THE PET RAT OF +LADY PIPER HAD A NARROW ESCAPE FROM WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SERIOUS +ACCIDENT.] + + * * * * * + +THE FOILING OF "THE BLARE." + +(_Suggested to a slightly Hibernian brain by the recent ebullition of +generosity on the part of the popular press, which insures its readers +against holiday accidents whilst boating and bathing._) + + When I bolt from this city of vapour + To bite the salubrious breeze, + Do you know why I gambol and caper + And plunge with a shout in the seas + Twice the lad that I was + For a lark? It's because + I subscribe to that bountiful paper, + _The Blare_, if you please. + + For I know that if currents are shifty, + If cramp should arrive unaware, + I shall die, but my end will be thrifty, + And my host (being also my heir) + Will be amply consoled + By the thought of the gold + (Which amounts to two hundred and fifty) + He'll get from _The Blare_. + + "Pray take from your forehead those creases," + I cry to my friend on the yacht, + "I admit that the mainsail's in pieces + And most of the sheets in a knot; + But remember that if + We go _ponk_ on that cliff + It's _The Blare_ will be paying your nieces + A nice little pot." + + But whatever may crash into cruisers + Or wherries when I am afloat, + When the waves have destroyed me like bruisers, + I call on my country to note, + If _The Blare_ should pretend, + When I've passed to my end, + I was one of its constant perusers, + It lies in its throat. + + To my tenantless rooms in the City + The rags have been sent, and it's there + That I'll burn them unopened and gritty + Or, if (and it's little I care) + I am whelmed in the wave, + I shall laugh from my grave + At the blow that I've dealt the banditti + Who publish _The Blare_. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "With one accord they all say, 'Welcome to Ireland!' 'No + more delightful place,' says Mr. Birrell; 'A kindly welcome + everywhere,' says Mr. Devlin; 'The most peaceful place in the + world,' says Mr. Redmond."--_Daily Graphic._ + +Mr. REDMOND has overlooked the Balkans. + + * * * * * + +ALL LIARS' DAY. + +"So it's ----'s birthday to-day," said Fortescue (naming a very +well-known politician) as he looked up from his newspaper. "You'll +call and wish him many happy returns, of course, Ferguson?" + +We who travel up together each morning by this train are pretty well +agreed about ----. + +"Don't mention that man to me!" cried Ferguson. "He's absolutely the +biggest liar on earth. I can't imagine how he faces the world as he +does after having been exposed so many times. You'd think he would +want to crawl away into a hole somewhere. He can't have the least +sense of shame." + +"Pardon me," interrupted the burly stranger seated in the corner. +"Pardon me; there is reason why he should. It is not _his_ fault if +he is addicted to inexactitude. He was predestined to it. It is the +irresistible influence of the day on which he was born. Every man born +on this day must inevitably grow up to be a liar; it is his fate, from +which there can be no escape." + +"Oh, come!" protested Ferguson. "That sounds rather far-fetched, you +know, for these days." + +"My dear Sir," retorted the other, brushing up his moustache +aggressively and glaring at Ferguson, "I happen to be President of the +Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon Character, +so I presume I may claim to know what I am talking about." + +So truculent was his demeanour that nobody ventured to speak. + +"My Society," he continued after a pause, "has conducted its +researches over a period of many years. I am going to give you just +a few examples out of thousands we have collected. Let us take a +significant date, February 29th. A man born on that day is a coward. +It is inevitable. Pusillanimity is born in him and can never be +eradicated. + +"We had before us a month or two ago the case of a gentleman living +in a country town--a quiet, shy, studious recluse--born on this fatal +day. By some mischance he happened to pick up a journal in which was +an article on the Government by Mr. ARNOLD WHITE. He read it. He was +so terrified that he expired from heart failure. That sounds to you +incredible, but real life is often incredible. That is one of the +discoveries of our Society. + +"I will give you a more remarkable instance still. A well-to-do +gentleman with the same birthday, whose case we have recorded in +our journals, is now, though perfectly healthy, bed-ridden under the +following amazing circumstances. He accidentally discovered that his +tailor, who had clothed him since boyhood, was an anarchist. After +this he was afraid to have any further dealings with the man, while, +on the other hand, he lacked sufficient courage to face the ordeal +of being fitted by a fresh tailor. For some time he used to sit up at +night and secretly sew patches into his trousers. Naturally this could +not go on for ever, and at last, when his garments were dropping to +pieces, he had to take to his bed.... You smile, Sir. Perhaps you +think I am exaggerating?" + +His eyes flashed and his voice vibrated with such anger that I jumped +six inches out of my seat. + +"Not at all--not at all," I stammered. "Only it occurred to +me--er--that he might have--er--b-bought them ready-made." + +"Your knowledge of human nature must be singularly slight," replied +the other icily, "if you imagine that a man without sufficient courage +to be fitted by a tailor would be brave enough to wear ready-made +clothes." + +"It seems to me, Sir," said Dean, coming to the rescue, "that your two +instances prove little, if anything. They may be mere coincidence." + +The stranger leaned forward, frowned heavily and wagged his forefinger +at Dean, who wilted visibly. + +"The Society for the Investigation of Natal Day Influences upon +Character," he said, "does not seek to build up a theory upon +isolated and arbitrarily selected examples. We deal with the subject +scientifically. To continue with this date, February 29th. After +several cases similar to those I have recounted had come to our +notice, we made out a list of two hundred and fifty men born on +this day. To each of them we sent a representative to ask for a +subscription to the Society. Though they had never heard of it before, +_every one of those two hundred and fifty was easily intimidated into +subscribing._ + +"Now let us consider another date--March 3rd. Several striking +instances had led us to suspect that a person born on March 3rd comes +into the world with an ineradicable passion for gambling. I will give +you just one of these. A gentleman one day imagined he was seriously +ill and called in a doctor. The latter laughed at his fears and +offered to bet him that he would live to be seventy. The temptation +was too great. The gambler closed with the offer, and on the eve of +his seventieth birthday drowned himself." + +At this point Empson sniggered audibly. The speaker turned his head +and fixed his terrifying glance upon the delinquent. Poor Empson grew +very red, and endeavoured to cover his lapse by coughing noisily. The +other waited patiently till he had finished. + +"Perhaps you wish to say something, Sir," he remarked coldly. + +"N-no," said Empson. "Most interesting." + +The President made a gesture which indicated that Empson was beneath +contempt and renewed his discourse. + +"Continuing the same method of research," he said, "we compiled a list +of nearly four hundred persons born on March 3rd. To each of these we +sent particulars of a Derby Sweepstake. _Every one of them, gentlemen, +applied for a ticket by return of post._" + +There was an impressive pause. The President looked round the carriage +defiantly as if challenging suspicion. + +"One of our tests with regard to to-day's date--liars' day," he +continued presently, "was rather amusing. We hired a room in the City +for a week and sent out over three hundred letters to persons born +on that day. Our notepaper was headed, 'Short, Stay and Hoppett, +Solicitors,' and the letters were in identical terms. They said that +we had been endeavouring for some time to trace the relatives of one +Davy Jones, who, after acquiring a large fortune in Australia, had +died intestate, and we had that morning been given to understand that +the gentleman with whom we wore corresponding was a nephew of the +deceased, etc., etc. You guess what happened. _Every one of them +without exception claimed as his uncle this millionaire who never +existed._" + +The train began to slow down, and the President rose to his feet. + +"I get out here," he said. "I'm sorry. I should like to have +discussed the subject further. You, Sir"--he pointed threateningly at +Ferguson--"will doubtless in future refrain from blaming Mr. ---- for +a failing for which, as you see, he is in no way responsible." + +Ferguson quaked and said nothing. + +The President brushed up his moustache still higher and looked round +in triumph. All of us were completely cowed--all of us, except little +Windsor. + +"Just a moment, Sir," said the latter gently. "Before you leave us +will you kindly accept this?" + +He took out his tie-pin and laid it in the other's hand. + +For the first time the burly one's confidence deserted him. He +reddened slightly and looked embarrassed. + +"It's very kind of you," he said, "but really I--I don't quite +understand." + +"It's a birthday present for you," said Windsor sweetly. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Humorous Artist._ "I'VE BROUGHT YOU AN ORIGINAL FUNNY +JOKE THIS TIME. A FRIEND OF MINE THOUGHT OF IT." + +_Editor_ (after reading it). "YES, IT _IS_ FUNNY; BUT I PREFER THE +DRAWING THAT WAS PUBLISHED WITH IT IN THE 'SEVENTIES!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Three numbers of _The South Polar Times_ were brought out at Cape +Evans, the winter quarters of Captain SCOTT, during 1911. Mr. APSLEY +CHERRY-GARRARD, the editor, has now presented them to a wider circle +under the auspices of SMITH, ELDER, hoping that they will prove "a +source of interest and pleasure to the friends of the expedition." He +need have no fears. Of course a paper produced under such conditions +is in its nature esoteric, and many of its jokes are lost if you +"don't know Jimson." But if you have previously read _Scott's Last +Expedition_ then you _will_ "know Jimson"; you will feel that every +man at Cape Evans in 1911 was a personal friend of yours, and you +will be delighted with this facsimile reproduction of the paper which +delighted them. Personally I cannot read or see too much of the men +who are my heroes; and in a world where an ordinary school-girl is +allowed twenty-seven photographs of Mr. LEWIS WALLER I shall not +consider myself surfeited with two caricatures and a humorous +character-sketch of Lieutenant BOWERS. But there are contributions to +_The South Polar Times_ which have an interest other than the merely +personal. Mr. GRIFFITH TAYLOR, a tower of strength on the literary +side, is really funny in _The Bipes_--a paper (on the wingless bipeds +of Cape Evans) supposed to have been read by OATES' escaped rabbit to +the Royal Society of Rabbits. Mr. TAYLOR, as a recorder of history in +_Scott's Last Expedition_, was, I thought, a little too familiar; in +these and other articles he is much more at home. But it is upon +Dr. WILSON's pictures (both serious and comic) that _The South Polar +Times_ can most justly pride itself. I envy Mr. CHERRY-GARRARD so +prolific and brilliant a contributor. Still more I envy him (and all +his colleagues at Cape Evans) the knowledge of such a man. The more I +get to know of "BILL" WILSON, the more I understand that he was of +the very salt of the earth--a man to love whom was indeed a liberal +education, and to be loved by whom was a passport to the little +company of the elect. + + *** + +When _John Barleycorn_ (MILLS AND BOON) came my way, I noticed that +the publishers had shown a reticence, unusual in these days, on the +outside paper cover; they didn't say a word as to the quality or +character of the contents. They had three good reasons: first, given +the name of JACK LONDON, there was no need of further advertisement or +lure; second, if they had started describing the book they would have +been unable to say with strict truth that it was or was not a novel, +for it isn't and it is; third, and best, they couldn't, as honest men, +have avoided mentioning that it is in a way a sermon on alcoholism, +and that, being said, might have acted as a deterrent, unless they +had explained (as they wouldn't have had room to do) how and why, when +they said "sermon," they didn't really mean "sermon." So they lay low +and said nothing, and I almost wish I had done the same, for no one +who has the lightest interest, practical or theoretical, in John +Barleycorn ought to be put off these alcoholic memoirs. The diarist +purports to have been first drunk at the age of five, again at the +age of seven, almost perpetually for a spell of years from the age of +fifteen, and yet to have taken over a quarter of a century to acquire +a liking for alcohol. That sounds odd, but is not unique. Not only +in California and not only in the lower grades of society, is +Youth, vigorous and unspoilt, bound to acquire the taste if it would +foregather on lively and intimate terms with its fellows; and not only +in the saloons of the Oakland water-front are fine youngsters drinking +themselves permanently silly because it is their only way of being men +among men, jolly good fellows among jolly good fellows. A sound enough +text for any sermon; and, I may honestly add, a sound enough sermon +for any text, with a strong smell of the sea and of adventure about +it. But I ask myself for what purpose the photograph of Mr. and Mrs. +JACK LONDON is inserted as a frontispiece? As well, I think, have had +a portrait of Mr. MILLS, with Mr. BOON inset. + + *** + +Isn't _The Youngest World_ (BELL) an engaging title for a book? It +caught my interest at once. I am not altogether sure that the story +itself is as good as its name, but that still leaves a margin of +quality, and I for one have enjoyed it greatly--in patches. Let Mr. +ROBERT DUNN not too hastily condemn me if I say that he has written +a fatiguing tale. Partly I mean this as a high compliment. The +descriptions of hardships borne and physical difficulties overcome by +his hero are so vivid that they convey a sensation of actual bodily +strain in a manner that only one other living writer can equal. There +are chapters in the book that leave one aching all over. So long, +in fact, as Mr. DUNN's characters are content to do things, to climb +mountains, to ford rivers, to endure hunger and cold and weariness, I +am in close bodily sympathy with them; it is when they begin to talk +and to explain their mental states that my keenness is threatened by +another and less pleasing fatigue. It is not that the scope of the +story--a man's regeneration by love and hardship--isn't a good one: +quite the contrary. It is that I simply do not believe that human +beings, especially those that figure in this book, would ever talk +about themselves in this particular way. "In the name of our own +blood," she uttered softly, "of Love, the Future, and Victory...." +That is a random sentence from the last page, and very typical of Mr. +DUNN's dialogue. It is full of gracious qualities, thoughtful, and +throughout on a high literary level, but as a realistic transcription +of frontier talk it leaves me incredulous. Still the setting, I +repeat, is quite wonderful. You shall read the chapters that tell +of _Gail's_ ascent of Mount Lincoln, and see if they don't stir your +blood, especially where he reaches the top, alone (and therefore +unable to talk), and sees the world at his feet. You will exult in +this. + + *** + +Mr. VICTOR BRIDGES has a very versatile pen and in most of the +twenty-one pieces of _Jetsam_ (MILLS AND BOON) which he has recovered +from the waves of monthly magazines and elsewhere there is a certain +amount of material for mirth. I do not however find him a startlingly +original humorist, whether on the river Thames, where he seems to +follow in the wake of Mr. JEROME K. JEROME, or in a Chelsea "pub," +where his manners are reminiscent of the characters of Messrs. W. +W. JACOBS and MORTON HOWARD. Again, in the story called "The First +Marathon" (where, by the way, he states that "It is true that the word +'Marathon' was first used in connection with the old Olympian games," +which seems a little unfair to MILTIADES), the fun mainly depends +on the use of such phrases as "Spoo-fer," "King Kod," and the +"Can't-stik-you-shun-all Club." Other stories are of the adventurous +or romantic type sacred to serial fiction, no fewer than three dealing +with escaped convicts on Dartmoor, and one (the first in the book) +describing the chance meeting of a man and a pretty girl on an +uninhabited island off the West Coast of Scotland. Here, for some +reason or other, the man insisted on calling his charming and unknown +companion _Astarte_, a name which, if I had been in her place, I +should have been inclined to resent. But Mr. BRIDGES' dialogue +is nearly always bright, and his knowledge of the machinery of +yarn-spinning excellent. There is just one other point however which +I should like to mention. The book includes a brand-new Russian +wolf-story, in which the heroes protect themselves from the bites of +these ferocious quadrupeds by putting on armour, which they find in +a deserted house. I don't object to that; but, when they leave the +railway line along which they have been travelling and plunge into a +forest-path they come to a place where the route forks and cannot make +out which of the two roads will be more likely to lead them back to +the railway. I do not feel that these men were the sort of people to +be trusted to wander by themselves in a desolate Siberian anecdote. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CADDIE WHO SAW THE FAIRIES.] + + * * * * * + +Our New Masters. + + _The KING can do no wrong._ Of late + So ran the law; but, when to-day + Kinglike he seeks to serve the State, + Our super-monarchs frown and say: + _The KING can do no right--unless + By leave of half the Liberal Press._ + + * * * * * + +The Light-weight Angler. + + "Weighing 6 lbs. 7 oz., Mr. T. Snelgrove caught a golden + carp whilst fishing in the mill pond at Addlestone, + Surrey."--_People._ + + * * * * * + + "He has slept ... nearly 365 days on board the Admiralty + yacht." + +This, from a _Daily Mail_ article in praise of WINSTON, is no doubt +meant kindly. + + * * * * * + + "C. E. Cox begs to announce that he is now prepared to drill + wells, for water, gas, oil, cash or old clothes."_Red Deer + Advocate._ + +For cash is our choice. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +In "The Young of the Sea-Serpent" (page 109), the original text read, +"So shall the rising generation learn the merits of the strong right +arm that has make England what it is." + +In "An Error in Arcady" (page 116), the circumflex in "vice versa" has +been retained from the original, but "shrubberries" has been replaced +with "shrubberies". + +In "The Light-weight Angler" (page 120), "Addlestont" has been changed +to "Addlestone". + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, July 29, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI - JULY 29, 1914 *** + +***** This file should be named 25860.txt or 25860.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/8/6/25860/ + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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