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+Project Gutenberg Etext On the Decay of the Art of Lying, by Twain
+#17 in our series by Mark Twain
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+Title: On the Decay of the Art of Lying
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+Author: Mark Twain
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+April, 2001 [Etext #2572]
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+*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END*
+
+
+
+
+
+On the Decay of the Art of Lying
+
+by Mark Twain [Sameul Clemens]
+
+
+
+
+ESSAY, FOR DISCUSSION, READ AT A MEETING OF THE HISTORICAL
+AND ANTIQUARIAN CLUB OF HARTFORD, AND OFFERED FOR THE
+THIRTY-DOLLAR PRIZE.[*]
+
+[*] Did not take the prize.
+
+
+
+
+ Observe, I do not mean to suggest that the _custom_ of lying has
+suffered any decay or interruption--no, for the Lie, as a Virtue, A Principle,
+is eternal; the Lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the
+fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend, is immortal, and
+cannot perish from the earth while this club remains. My complaint simply
+concerns the decay of the _art_ of lying. No high-minded man, no man of right
+feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day
+without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted. In this veteran presence I
+naturally enter upon this theme with diffidence; it is like an old maid trying
+to teach nursery matters to the mothers in Israel. It would not become to me
+to criticise you, gentlemen--who are nearly all my elders--and my superiors,
+in this thing--if I should here and there _seem_ to do it, I trust it will in
+most cases be more in a spirit of admiration than fault-finding; indeed if
+this finest of the fine arts had everywhere received the attention, the
+encouragement, and conscientious practice and development which this club has
+devoted to it, I should not need to utter this lament, or shred a single tear.
+I do not say this to flatter: I say it in a spirit of just and appreciative
+recognition. [It had been my intention, at this point, to mention names and
+to give illustrative specimens, but indications observable about me admonished
+me to beware of the particulars and confine myself to generalities.]
+
+ No fact is more firmly established than that lying is a necessity of our
+circumstances--the deduction that it is then a Virtue goes without saying.
+No virtue can reach its highest usefulness without careful and diligent
+cultivation--therefore, it goes without saying that this one ought to be
+taught in the public schools--even in the newspapers. What chance has the
+ignorant uncultivated liar against the educated expert? What chance have I
+against Mr. Per--against a lawyer? _Judicious_ lying is what the world needs.
+I sometimes think it were even better and safer not to lie at all than to lie
+injudiciously. An awkward, unscientific lie is often as ineffectual as the
+truth.
+
+ Now let us see what the philosophers say. Note that venerable proverb:
+Children and fools _always_ speak the truth. The deduction is plain--adults
+and wise persons _never_speak it. Parkman, the historian, says, "The principle
+of truth may itself be carried into an absurdity." In another place in the same
+chapters he says, "The saying is old that truth should not be spoken at all
+times; and those whom a sick conscience worries into habitual violation of
+the maxim are imbeciles and nuisances." It is strong language, but true. None
+of us could _live_ with an habitual truth-teller; but thank goodness none of
+us has to. An habitual truth-teller is simply an impossible creature; he does
+not exist; he never has existed. Of course there are people who _think_ they
+never lie, but it is not so--and this ignorance is one of the very things that
+shame our so-called civilization. Everybody lies--every day; every hour;
+awake; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his
+tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey
+deception--and purposely. Even in sermons--but that is a platitude.
+
+ In a far country where I once lived the ladies used to go around paying
+calls, under the humane and kindly pretence of wanting to see each other;
+and when they returned home, they would cry out with a glad voice, saying,
+"We made sixteen calls and found fourteen of them out"--not meaning that
+they found out anything important against the fourteen--no, that was only
+a colloquial phrase to signify that they were not at home--and their manner
+of saying it expressed their lively satisfaction in that fact. Now their
+pretence of wanting to see the fourteen--and the other two whom they had been
+less lucky with--was that commonest and mildest form of lying which is
+sufficiently described as a deflection from the truth. Is it justifiable?
+Most certainly. It is beautiful, it is noble; for its object is, _not_ to reap
+profit, but to convey a pleasure to the sixteen. The iron-souled truth-monger
+would plainly manifest, or even utter the fact that he didn't want to see
+those people--and he would be an ass, and inflict totally unnecessary pain.
+And next, those ladies in that far country--but never mind, they had a thousand
+pleasant ways of lying, that grew out of gentle impulses, and were a credit
+to their intelligence and an honor to their hearts. Let the particulars go.
+
+ The men in that far country were liars, every one. Their mere howdy-do was a
+lie, because _they_ didn't care how you did, except they were undertakers. To
+the ordinary inquirer you lied in return; for you made no conscientious
+diagnostic of your case, but answered at random, and usually missed it
+considerably. You lied to the undertaker, and said your health was failing--a
+wholly commendable lie, since it cost you nothing and pleased the other man.
+If a stranger called and interrupted you, you said with your hearty tongue,
+"I'm glad to see you," and said with your heartier soul, "I wish you were with
+the cannibals and it was dinner-time." When he went, you said regretfully,
+"_Must_ you go?" and followed it with a "Call again;" but you did no harm, for
+you did not deceive anybody nor inflict any hurt, whereas the truth would have
+made you both unhappy.
+
+ I think that all this courteous lying is a sweet and loving art, and should
+be cultivated. The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful
+edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of
+charitable and unselfish lying.
+
+ What I bemoan is the growing prevalence of the brutal truth. Let us do what
+we can to eradicate it. An injurious truth has no merit over an injurious lie.
+Neither should ever be uttered. The man who speaks an injurious truth lest
+his soul be not saved if he do otherwise, should reflect that that sort of a
+soul is not strictly worth saving. The man who tells a lie to help a poor
+devil out of trouble, is one of whom the angels doubtless say, "Lo, here is
+an heroic soul who casts his own welfare in jeopardy to succor his neighbor's;
+let us exalt this magnanimous liar."
+
+ An injurious lie is an uncommendable thing; and so, also, and in the same
+degree, is an injurious truth--a fact that is recognized by the law of libel.
+
+ Among other common lies, we have the _silent_ lie--the deception which one
+conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth. Many obstinate
+truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they _speak_ no
+lie, they lie not at all. In that far country where I once lived, there was
+a lovely spirit, a lady whose impulses were always high and pure, and whose
+character answered to them. One day I was there at dinner, and remarked, in
+a general way, that we are all liars. She was amazed, and said, "Not _all_?"
+It was before "Pinafore's" time. so I did not make the response which would
+naturally follow in our day, but frankly said, "Yes, _all_--we are all liars.
+There are no exceptions." She looked almost offended, "Why, do you include
+_me_?" "Certainly," I said. "I think you even rank as an expert." She said
+"Sh-'sh! the children!" So the subject was changed in deference to the
+children's presence, and we went on talking about other things. But as soon
+as the young people were out of the way, the lady came warmly back to the
+matter and said, "I have made a rule of my life to never tell a lie; and I
+have never departed from it in a single instance." I said, "I don't mean the
+least harm or disrespect, but really you have been lying like smoke ever
+since I've been sitting here. It has caused me a good deal of pain, because
+I'm not used to it." She required of me an instance--just a single instance.
+So I said--
+
+ "Well, here is the unfilled duplicate of the blank, which the Oakland
+hospital people sent to you by the hand of the sick-nurse when she came here
+to nurse your little nephew through his dangerous illness. This blank asks
+all manners of questions as to the conduct of that sick-nurse: 'Did she ever
+sleep on her watch? Did she ever forget to give the medicine?' and so forth
+and so on. You are warned to be very careful and explicit in your answers, for
+the welfare of the service requires that the nurses be promptly fined or
+otherwise punished for derelictions. You told me you were perfectly delighted
+with this nurse--that she had a thousand perfections and only one fault: you
+found you never could depend on her wrapping Johnny up half sufficiently while
+he waited in a chilly chair for her to rearrange the warm bed.
+You filled up the duplicate of this paper, and sent it back to the hospital
+by the hand of the nurse. How did you answer this question--'Was the nurse
+at any time guilty of a negligence which was likely to result in the patient's
+taking cold?' Come--everything is decided by a bet here in California: ten
+dollars to ten cents you lied when you answered that question." She said, "I
+didn't; _I left it blank!_" "Just so--you have told a _silent_ lie; you have
+left it to be inferred that you had no fault to find in that matter." She said,
+"Oh, was that a lie? And _how_ could I mention her one single fault, and she
+is so good?--It would have been cruel." I said, "One ought always to lie, when
+one can do good by it; your impulse was right, but your judgment was crude;
+this comes of unintelligent practice. Now observe the results of this inexpert
+deflection of yours. You know Mr. Jones's Willie is lying very low with
+scarlet-fever; well, your recommendation was so enthusiastic that that girl
+is there nursing him, and the worn-out family have all been trustingly sound
+asleep for the last fourteen hours, leaving their darling with full confidence
+in those fatal hands, because you, like young George Washington, have a reputa--
+However, if you are not going to have anything to do, I will come around
+to-morrow and we'll attend the funeral together, for, of course, you'll
+naturally feel a peculiar interest in Willie's case--as personal a one, in
+fact, as the undertaker."
+
+ But that was not all lost. Before I was half-way through she was in a carriage
+and making thirty miles an hour toward the Jones mansion to save what was left
+of Willie and tell all she knew about the deadly nurse. All of which was
+unnecessary, as Willie wasn't sick; I had been lying myself. But that same day,
+all the same, she sent a line to the hospital which filled up the neglected
+blank, and stated the _facts,_ too, in the squarest possible manner.
+
+ Now, you see, this lady's fault was _not_ in lying, but in lying
+injudiciously. She should have told the truth, _there,_ and made it up to the
+nurse with a fraudulent compliment further along in the paper. She could have
+said, "In one respect this sick-nurse is perfection--when she is on the watch,
+she never snores." Almost any little pleasant lie would have taken the sting
+out of that troublesome but necessary expression of the truth.
+
+ Lying is universal--we _all_ do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us
+diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with
+a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our
+own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully,
+maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily;
+to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously,
+with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling. Then shall we
+be rid of the rank and pestilent truth that is rotting the land; then shall
+we be great and good and beautiful, and worthy dwellers in a world where even
+benign Nature habitually lies, except when she promises execrable weather.
+Then--But am I but a new and feeble student in this gracious art; I cannot
+instruct _this_ club.
+
+ Joking aside, I think there is much need of wise examination into what sorts
+of lies are best and wholesomest to be indulged, seeing we _must_ all lie and
+we _do_ all lie, and what sorts it may be best to avoid--and this is a thing
+which I feel I can confidently put into the hands of this experienced Club--a
+ripe body, who may be termed, in this regard, and without undue flattery, Old
+Masters.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg Etext On the Decay of the Art of Lying, by Twain
+
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