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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98,
+January 4, 1890, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 98, January 4, 1890
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: June 3, 2008  [eBook #25685]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, V. L. Simpson, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 25685-h.htm or 25685-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685/25685-h/25685-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/6/8/25685/25685-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 98
+
+JANUARY 4, 1890
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH
+VOL 98]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+London:
+Published at the Office, 85, Fleet Street,
+and Sold by All Booksellers.
+1890.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Preface]
+
+It was a Midsummer Night, and Mr. PUNCH in his _sanctum_ dreamed a
+Dream! To adapt the Laureate's lay:--
+
+  He read, before his eyelids dropt their shade,
+      The _Lusiads_ of CAMOENS, long ago
+  Sung by the Lusitanian bard, who made
+      Great GAMA'S glories glow.
+
+It was the wondrous tale of STANLEY which had turned the Sage's
+attention to the pages of the great Epic of Commerce.
+
+He had read:--
+
+  "Afric behold! alas, what altered view!
+  Her lands uncultured, and her sons untrue;
+  Ungraced with all that sweetens human life,
+  Savage and fierce, they roam in brutal strife;
+  Eager they grasp the gifts which culture yields,
+  Yet naked roam their own neglected fields."
+
+And though even Africa has considerably changed since the year of grace
+1497, when "daring GAMA" went "incessant labouring round the stormy
+Cape," Mr. PUNCH thought of that great gloom-shrouded Equatorial Forest
+and its secular savage dwarf-denizens, and mused how much there was yet
+for our modern GAMAS to do in the Dark Continent.
+
+Mr. PUNCH found himself in the lovely "Isle of Venus," the delicious
+floral Paradise which the Queen of Love, "the guardian goddess of the
+Lusian race," created "amid the bosom of the watery waste," as "a place
+of glad repast and sweet repose," for the tired home-returning GAMA and
+his companions.
+
+"Of 'glad repast,'" said a familiar voice, "there is plenty and to
+spare; but for the 'sweet repose,' 'tis not to be found in this 'Isle of
+Banqueting.'"
+
+"Mr. STANLEY, I presume?" said the Sage.
+
+"You _cannot_ presume," rejoined H. M. neatly. "But some of these
+gregarious dinner-givers _do_, and sometimes,--yes, sometimes I'm afraid
+I let them see that I'm aware of it."
+
+"As fame-preoccupied, country-loving GAMA, wearied of the 'feasts,
+interludes, and chivalrous entertainments,' with which 'the taste of
+that age demonstrated the joy of Portugal,' might perchance have snubbed
+some too importunate Don. 'The compliments of the Court and the shouts
+of the streets were irksome to him,' says the chronicle."
+
+"SALISBURY is not quite a Prince HENRY apparently," remarked the modern
+GAMA. "He and his father JOHN did not find the discoveries and
+acquisitions of their heroic compatriot 'embarrassing.' 'The arts and
+valour of the Portuguese had now made a great impression on the minds of
+the Africans. The King of CONGO, a dominion of great extent, sent the
+sons of some of his principal officers to be instructed in arts and
+religion.' This was four hundred years ago! And now the Portuguese can
+be safely snubbed and sat upon, even by a SALISBURY! But if your prudent
+Premier doesn't 'stiffen his back' a bit, with regard to the tougher and
+tentative Teuton, 'the arts and valour' of the Britishers will not make
+as great an impression on the minds of the Africans as your ill-used
+East African Company could desire."
+
+"Don't be _too_ downhearted, HENRY," smiled the Sage. "Much dining-out
+doth breed dyspepsia, and atrabilious views are apt to be a _leetle_
+lop-sided."
+
+"Right, _Mr. Punch!_" said a musical but somewhat mournful voice, that
+of the great but ill-starred LUIS DE CAMOENS himself. "I wrote much of
+my _Lusiadas_ in Africa.
+
+  "'One hand the pen, and one the sword employed.'
+
+"_My_ reward was banishment, imprisonment, poverty, neglect, and a
+miserable death in an almshouse. 'Soon after, however,' says the record,
+'many epitaphs honoured his memory: the greatness of his merit was
+universally confessed, and his _Lusiad_ was translated into various
+languages.' 'The whirligig of time brings its revenges,' as your own
+illustrious Singer saith. How think you myself and my friend VASCO de
+GAMA here look upon the fallen state of our beloved native land? In vain
+he ventured for her. In vain I warningly sang:--
+
+  "'Chill'd by my nation's cold neglect, thy fires
+  Glow bold no more, and all thy rage expires.
+  Shall haughty Gaul or sterner Albion boast
+  That all the Lusian fame in thee is lost!'"
+
+Mr. PUNCH bowed low to the illustrious Poet and the indomitable
+Explorer. "Greatness," said he, courteously, "claims reverence, and
+misfortune respect. Your countrymen, Gentlemen, have been rather angry
+with me of late. But 'sterner Albion' may be proud indeed if she
+produces such men as GAMA to perform heroic deeds, and such poets as
+CAMOENS to sing them." The stately Shades saluted. "I wonder," said
+GAMA, "who will be the Laureate of the later Ulysses, and which of your
+singers will write the _Epic of Africa?_"
+
+"I fear," said Mr. PUNCH, "that at present they are too busy smiting the
+Socialistic big drum, or tickling their sonorous native tongue into
+tinkling triolets. In this Island of Venus----"
+
+"I beg pardon," interrupted STANLEY, with a sardonic smile. "This Island
+of _Menus_, you mean, Mr. PUNCH!"
+
+Mr. PUNCH looked around. The Acidalian roses and myrtles, the purple
+lotos and the snowy thorn, the yellow pod-flowers and the waving palms,
+the vermeil apples and the primrosed banks, of CAMOENS' somewhat
+zone-confounding vision, had indeed vanished, and in their stead seemed
+to wave snowy _serviettes_, to flow champagne-streams, to glitter
+goblets, and to glow orchid-laden _epergnes_.
+
+"Humph!" said the Sage. "The prose of the _Restaurateur_--which by the
+way sounds as if I were alluding to the literature of the
+Restauration,--hath insensibly superseded the poesy of the peerless
+Portuguese. Well, Gentlemen, in vain may 'sterner Albion' glory in the
+profusion of wealth and the pomp of 'glad repast,' unless also she
+breeds heroes to adventure and poets to celebrate. As you sang, my
+CAMOENS--
+
+  "'The King or hero to the Muse unjust,
+  Sinks as the nameless slave, extinct in dust.'
+
+"For the present, STANLEY'S arm and Mr. PUNCH'S pen suffice to save the
+State from such abasement. But let our timid Premiers and our
+temporising Press remember the glories of GAMA and CAMOENS, and the fate
+of ungrateful and indolent Lusitania!"
+
+"The Pen of Mr. PUNCH!" cried CAMOENS. "Ah, long have the valiant VASCO
+and myself desired to peruse its sparkling and patriotic outpourings.".
+
+"And you, my STANLEY," proceeded Mr. PUNCH, "said to the banqueting
+Fishmongers, 'I am an omnivorous reader whenever an opportunity presents
+itself.' It presents itself here and now. Take, Illustrious Trio, the
+greatest gift that even PUNCH can bestow upon you, to wit his
+
+"Ninety-Eighth Volume!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNAL OF A ROLLING STONE.
+
+FOURTH ENTRY.
+
+Have for a considerable time past been "eating dinners," preparatory to
+being "called" to the Bar. Understand now what people mean when they
+talk of a "_Digest_ of the Law."
+
+Find myself (on dining for the first time this Term) in a mess with a
+highly-intelligent native of India, another man up from Oxford, and an
+African law-student. Latter black and curly, but good-natured. Says
+there is a great demand for English-made barristers on the Gambia, and
+he's going to supply the demand.
+
+Have wild and momentary idea of going to the Gambia myself.
+
+"Why," I ask this enterprising negro, "why don't English
+barristers--white ones, I mean--go and practise there?" Feel that
+reference to colour is not felicitous; still, difficult to express the
+idea otherwise.
+
+African doesn't mind. Shows all his teeth in a broad grin, and says,
+"Inglis men die, die like flies, on the Gambia."
+
+Curious to see the Hindoo law-student looking contemptuously at African
+ditto. Hindoo a shrewd fellow. Talks English perfectly. Rather given to
+gesticulate. Waves his arms, and incidentally knocks over a bottle of
+the claret--at twelve shillings a dozen--which the Inn kindly supplies
+to wash down the mutton and baked potatoes at our two-shilling meal.
+Hindoo laughs. Tells me, confidentially, that he has practised as a
+"Vakeel" (whatever that is) in some small country town in Bengal. Why
+has he come over here? Oh, to be called. Will get more work and more
+pay, when a full-fledged barrister. Gather that there are rival
+"Vakeels" in Bengal whom he wants to cut out. He intends "cutting
+out"--to India--directly he _is_ called.
+
+Oxford man tells me in a whisper that "he believes he's a Baboo."
+Indeed! Don't feel much wiser for the information.
+
+African getting jealous of Baboo's fluent talk. Rather a sportive negro,
+it appears. Says he goes to theatre nearly every night. Has a regular
+and rather festive programme for each day.
+
+"Lecture, morning," he says; "afternoon, walk in Park, sometimes ride.
+Night, theatre or music-hall." He grins like an amiable gargoyle. In his
+own country African law-student must be quite a lady-killer--a sort of
+Gambia masher.
+
+Incidentally mention to Hindoo difficulty of law of Real Property,
+especially "Rule in SHELLEY'S Case."
+
+It seems Hindoo understands matter perfectly. Begins to explain the
+"Rule in SHELLEY'S Case." Does it by aid of two salt-cellars (to
+represent the parties) and a few knives (to represent collateral
+relatives).
+
+African masher more jealous. Laughs at Baboo's explanation. He and Baboo
+exchange glances of hatred. African, who is carving, brandishes knife.
+Is he going to plunge it into heart of Baboo just as he's got through
+his explanation? Looks like it, as the shilling claret seems to have got
+into place where we may suppose African's brain to be. However, dinner
+ends without a catastrophe.
+
+After attending the usual amount of legal lectures, the "Final" Exam.
+approaches.
+
+Get through the papers pretty well. Thank goodness, no question asked so
+far about that "Rule in SHELLEY'S Case," which is my "_Pons Asinorum_!"
+It's a "rule" to which I take great exception.
+
+There's a "_Viva Voce_" to come, however. Hate _viva voce._ Two
+examiners sit at end of Hall--students called up in batches of
+half-a-dozen at a time. Very nervous work. Find, when my turn comes,
+that the intelligent Baboo is in the same lot! Appears to like the
+position. From his manner I should judge that he'd been doing nothing
+all his life but being examined by fifties in a cave, like this.
+
+Examiner who tackles me has an eye-glass.
+
+"Now, Mr. JOYNSON," he remarks, putting it up to survey me better, "if
+you were a trustee, &c., &c., _what would you do?_"
+
+Flattered at the supposition. Answer in a way which seems to partly
+satisfy Examiner, who passes on to next man with a new question. In a
+minute or two my turn comes round again.
+
+"Now, Mr. JOYNSON," Examiner again observes cheerfully, "let me ask you
+quite an elementary question in Real Property. Just give me a brief, a
+very brief, explanation of what you understand by the Rule in SHELLEY'S
+Case!"
+
+But I don't understand anything by it! It's a piece of hopeless legal
+gibberish to me. I stammer out some attempt at an answer, and see Baboo
+looking at me with a pitying, almost reproachful, glance. "Didn't I," he
+seems to say, "explain it all to you once at dinner? Do you really mean
+to say that you've forgotten the way in which I arranged the
+salt-cellars and the table-knives, and how I turned the whole case
+inside out for your benefit?"
+
+I admit the offence. Examiner seems surprised at my ignorance--informs
+me that "it's as easy as A.B.C." It may be--to him and the Baboo.
+
+Baboo, being asked the same question, at once explains the whole matter,
+this time without the aid of the salt-cellars and cutlery.
+
+A few days later go to look at result of examination. Result, for me--a
+Plough!
+
+Walking away dejectedly--("homeward the Plough-man wends his legal
+way"--as GRAY sympathetically put it)--meet African law-student, who
+grins insanely. _He_ doesn't sympathise in my defeat. Shows his fine set
+of ivories and says:--
+
+"Me failed too. Me go back Gambia. You come back with me!"
+
+Tell him I'm not "called" yet: certainly not called to Gambia.
+
+"Then come to Alhambra!" he suggests, as a sort of alternative to a
+visit to the tropics.
+
+African student evidently still a masher. Decline his invitation with
+thanks. Wouldn't be seen with him at a theatre for worlds! Depressed.
+Don't even look in at Gaiety Bar. No Gaiety for _me_--and no "Bar"
+either, it seems.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOME NEW YEAR'S PROBLEMS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BUSY (J.) B.
+
+(_Not by Dr. Watts._)
+
+  How doth the busy Jerry Builder
+    Improve his shining hoard,
+  And gather money, basely earned,
+    From every opening Board!
+
+  How skilfully he scamps his "shells"!
+    How deftly spreads his sludge!
+  And labours to defend his sells
+    By special-pleading fudge!
+
+  With what serene, well-practised skill,
+    He "squares" Surveyors too!
+  For Jobbery finds some baseness still
+    For venal hands to do.
+
+  Whether for work or healthful play
+    His buildings will not last.
+  May he be called some day, some day,
+    To strict account at last!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARLIAMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.--According to the announcement in the
+_Gazette_, the SPEAKER will take the Chair in the House of Commons on
+Tuesday, the 11th of February, when the new Session opens. But, as a
+matter of fact, _The Speaker_ will be on the book-stalls on Saturday
+next, the 4th of January, entering upon what promises to be a useful and
+prolonged Session. Thereafter _The Speaker_ will take the book-stall
+once a week regularly, there being Saturday sittings throughout the
+year. _The Speaker_ will, of course, be on the side of Law and "Order!
+Order!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BALLAD OF EVIL SPEED.
+
+_A Cool Collation of Several Bards._
+
+  I would I had not met you, Sweet,
+     I wish you had been far away
+  From where, in Upper Wimpole Street,
+     We two foregather'd yesterday.
+  Somewhere in that unlovely street
+     Summer's lost beauty, hid away,
+  Woke at the music of your feet,
+     And sought the little girl in grey.
+  Around your head the sunbeams play--
+     Home to the depths of your deep eyes
+  Soft shadows of the woodland stray,
+  Then sparkle with a quick surprise,
+  As when the branch-entangled skies
+  Shake from the depths of woodland stream,
+  Awhile in laughing circles gleam,
+  Then spread to heaven's peace again.
+  Amber and gold, and feathery grey,
+  You suited well the Autumn day,
+  The muffled sun, the misty air,
+  The weather like a sleepy pear.
+  And yet I wish that you had been
+  Afar, beside the sounding main,
+  Or swaying daintily the rein
+  Of mettled courser on the green,
+  So I had passed, and passed unseen.
+
+  For I arose, from dreams of thee,
+  So late that morn, my matin tea
+  Was cold as mutton two days cooked;
+  As in the looking-glass I looked,
+  Methought the razor need not wreak
+  Its wonted vengeance on my cheek,
+  Nor clear the shadow from my chin
+  Till to the City I had been.
+  Thus, horrid with a nascent beard,
+  By chance through Wimpole Street I steered,
+  Trusting therein to shun contempt
+  Of who abhor a man unkempt.
+  For like a mother-bird, who's caught
+  The cant of modern woman's thought,
+  My restless tie refused to sit,
+  And restless fingers vainly sought
+  To soothe the silkworm's stubborn toil.
+  But only did its candour soil,
+  And suffered none the less from it.
+  For all my neck, and head no less,
+  Owned to a vague unquietness,
+  As when the vagrant spiderlet
+  Has spread at large her filmy net
+  To catch the moonbeams, wavering white,
+  At the front gate on Autumn night.
+
+  Then suddenly the sombre way
+  Rock'd like the darkness struck by day,
+  The endless houses reel'd from sight,
+  And all romance and all delight
+  Came thronging in a glorious crowd.
+  So, when the drums are beating loud,
+  The mob comes sweeping down the Mall,
+  Far heralding the bear-skins tall.
+  Glorious in golden clothing comes
+  The great drum-major with his drums
+  And sun-smit brass of trumpets; then
+  The scarlet wall of marching men,
+  Midmost of which great Mavors sets
+  The colours girt with bayonets.
+  Yes, there were you--and there was I,
+  Unshaved, and with erratic tie,
+  And for that once I yearn'd to shun
+  My social system's central sun.
+  How could a sloven slave express
+  The frank, the manly tenderness
+  That wraps you round from common thought,
+  And does not ask that you should know
+  The love that consecrates you so.
+  No; furtive, awkward, restless, cold,
+  I basely seemed to set at naught
+  That sudden bliss, undreamt, unsought.
+  What must she think, my girl of gold?
+  I dare not ask; and baffled wit
+  Droops--till sweet hopes begin to flit--
+  Like butterflies that brave the cold--
+  Perhaps she didn't notice it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDIES IN REPARTEE.
+
+_She._ "HOW SILENT YOU ARE! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?"
+
+_He._ "_NOTHING!_"
+
+_She._ "EGOTIST!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUST TO OBLIGE BENSON."
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--It was not a very happy thought to send me to the Globe
+Theatre at this festive season of the year to witness the representation
+of a piece, called by the management, for some reason or other, "a
+_faerie_ comedy." Now, I like a Burlesque, and I am fond of a Pantomime,
+but a mixture of blank verse and tom-foolery is rather too much for me,
+especially when that mixture is not redeemed by a plot of any interest.
+Nothing can be more absurd than the story (save the mark!) told in this
+particularly uninteresting play. It appears that a "Duke!" of Athens
+married the Queen of the Amazons, and during the nuptial rejoicings
+ordered the daughter of one of his subjects to "die the death" unless
+she transferred her affections from her own true love to a gentleman of
+her father's choice. The gentleman of her father's choice was beloved in
+his turn by a school friend of his would-not-be betrothed, and the play
+which lasted from eight until nearly midnight, was devoted to setting
+this simple (in more senses than one) _imbroglio_ right. By a clumsy
+device, _Oberon_ King of the Fairies bewitched the two pairs of lovers
+during their sleep in a wood, so that one lady had two admirers and the
+other none. All that was needed to bring the piece to a conclusion was
+to have another exercise of magic when the couples paired off, of
+course, in a manner calculated to give satisfaction to their friends and
+relations. This was the entire plot. There was now and again some
+attempts to turn amateur theatricals into feeble ridicule by the
+introduction of a party of village histrions, who were allowed to
+"clown" to their heart's content; and _voila tout_!
+
+The mounting is excellent. Nothing better than "a Wood near Athens,"
+painted by Mr. HEMSLEY, has been seen since Professor HERKOMER startled
+the world with his representation of village life at Bushey. The music,
+too (chiefly from the works of MENDELSSOHN), is always charming, and
+frequently appropriate. Moreover, Mr. BENSON, no doubt feeling that his
+author required every possible support, has introduced a number of
+pretty dances, executed by comely maidens of ages varying from seven to
+(say) seven-and-twenty.
+
+Of course, such a play required very ordinary acting. Mr. BENSON was, on
+the whole, a gentlemanly _Lysander_, Mr. OTHO STUART a dignified
+_Oberon_, and Mr. STEPHEN PHILLIPS quite the best of the village
+histrions. Miss GRACE GERALDINE was also fanciful in the _role_ of a
+sort of gnome. But, allowing for the music, and the scenery, and the
+acting, the piece itself was unquestionably dull. And now, having given
+you my unbiassed opinion, I beg to sign myself,
+
+    YOUR UNPREJUDICED CONTRIBUTOR.
+
+P.S.--I am told that the author of _A Midsummer's Dream_ wrote a number
+of other plays of considerable merit. This I challenge, the more
+especially as those who swear by Mr. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE candidly admit
+that his name is a deterrent rather than an attraction on a play-bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    1890 ALMANACK FOR FUNNY DOGS.--Evidently "Whitty Curs'
+    Almanack."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
+
+No. II.--JOE, THE JAM-EATER.
+
+_A Musical Spectacular and Sensational Interlude._ (_Dedicated
+respectfully to Mr. McDougall and the L. C. C._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Music-hall Dramatist, like SHAKSPEARE, has a right to take his
+material from any source that may seem good to him. _Mr. Punch_,
+therefore, makes no secret of the fact, that he has based the following
+piece upon the well-known poem of "_The Purloiner_," by the Sisters JANE
+and ANN TAYLOR, who were _not_, as might be too hastily concluded, "Song
+and Dance Duettists," but two estimable ladies, who composed
+"cautionary" verses for the young, and whose works are a perfect mine of
+wealth for Moral Dramatists. In this dramatic version the Author has
+tried to infuse something of the old Greek sense of an overruling
+destiny, without detriment to prevailing ideas of moral responsibility.
+Those who have the misfortune to be born with a propensity for illicit
+jam, may learn from our Drama the terrible results of failing to
+overcome it early in life.
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONAE
+
+_Jam-loving Joe._ By that renowned Melodramatic Serio-Comic, Miss CONNIE
+CURDLER.
+
+_Joe's Mother_ (_the very part for_ Mrs. BANCROFT _if she can only be
+induced to make her re-appearance_).
+
+_John, a Gardener._ By the great Pink-eyed Unmusical Zulu.
+
+_Jim-Jam, the Fermentation Fiend._ By Mr. BEERBOHM TREE (_who has kindly
+consented to undertake the part_).
+
+_Chorus of Plum and Pear Gatherers, from the Savoy_ (_by kind permission
+of_ Mr. D'OYLY CARTE).
+
+SCENE.--_The Store-room at sunset, with view of exterior of Jam
+Cupboard, and orchard in distance._
+
+_Enter_ JOE.
+
+"As JOE was at play, Near the cupboard one day, When he thought no one
+saw him but himself."--_Vide Poem._
+
+  _Joe_ (_dreamily_). 'Tis passing strange that I so partial am
+                      To playing in the neighbourhood of Jam!
+
+[_Here_ Miss CURDLER _will introduce her great humorous Satirical
+Medley, illustrative of the Sports of Childhood, and entitled, "Some
+Little Gymes we all of us 'ave Plied;" after which, Enter_ JOE'S
+_Mother, followed by_ JOHN _and the Chorus, with baskets, ladders, &c.,
+for gathering fruit._
+
+"His Mother and JOHN, To the garden had gone, To gather ripe
+pears and ripe plums."--_Poem._
+
+  _Joe's Mother_ (_with forced cheerfulness_)--
+
+  Let's hope, my friends, to find our pears and plums,
+  Unharmed by wopses, and untouched by wums.
+
+[_Chorus signify assent in the usual manner by holding up the right
+hand._
+
+      _Solo_--JOHN.
+
+      Fruit when gathered ripe, is wholesome--
+        Otherwise if eaten green.
+      Once I knew a boy who stole some--
+  [_With a glance at_ JOE, who turns aside to conceal his
+  confusion.
+      His internal pangs were keen!
+
+  _Chorus_ (_virtuously_). 'Tis the doom of all who're mean,
+      Their internal pangs are keen!
+
+_Joe's Mother_ (_aside_). By what misgivings is a mother
+                                      tortured!
+      I'll keep my eye on JOSEPH in the orchard.
+              [_She invites him with a gesture to follow._
+
+  _Joe_ (_earnestly_). Nay, Mother, here I'll stay till you
+                                   have done.
+      Temptation it is ever best to shun!
+
+  _Joe's M._ So laudable his wish, I would not cross it--
+      (_Mysteriously._) He knows not there are jam-pots in yon
+      closet!
+
+  _Chorus._ Away we go tripping,
+                 From boughs to be stripping
+                 Each pear, plum, and pippin
+                   Pomona supplies!
+
+                 When homeward we've brought 'em,
+                 Those products of Autumn,
+                 We'll carefully sort 'em
+                         (_One of our old Music-hall rhymes_),
+                   According to size! [_Repeat as they caper out._
+
+[JOE'S Mother, _after one fond, lingering look behind, follows: the
+voices are heard more and more faintly in the distance. Stage darkens;
+the last ray of sunset illumines key of jam-cupboard door._
+
+  _Joe._ At last I am alone! Suppose I tried
+  That cupboard--just to see what's kept inside?
+      [_Seems drawn towards it by some fatal fascination._
+  There _might_ be Guava jelly, and a plummy cake,
+  For such a prize I'd laugh to scorn a stomach-ache!
+      [_Laughs a stomach-ache to scorn._
+  And yet (_hesitating_) who knows?--a pill?... perchance--a powder!
+  (_Desperately_). What then? To scorn I'll laugh them--even louder!
+
+[_Fetches chair and unlocks cupboard. Doors fall open with loud clang,
+revealing Interior of Jam Closet_ (_painted by_ HAWES CRAVEN). JOE
+_mounts chair to explore shelves. Vide poem, "How sorry I am, He ate
+raspberry jam, And currants that stood on the shelf!"_
+
+  _Joe_ (_speaking with mouth full, and back to audience_).
+  'Tis raspberry--of all the jams my favourite;
+  I'll clear the pot, whate'er I have to pay for it!
+  And finish up with currants from this shelf....
+  Who'll ever see me?
+
+  _The Demon of the Jam Closet_ (_rising slowly from an immense pot of
+  preserves_). None--except Myself!
+
+[_The cupboard is lit up by an infernal glare_ (_courteously lent by the
+Lyceum Management from "Faust" properties_); _weird music;_ JOE _turns
+slowly and confronts the Demon with awestruck eyes;_ N.B.--_Great
+opportunity for powerful acting here._
+
+  _The Demon_ (_with a bland sneer_). Pray don't mind _me_--I will await
+  your leisure.
+
+  _Joe_ (_automatically_). Of your acquaintance, Sir, I've not the
+                           pleasure.
+  Who _are_ you? Wherefore have you intervened?
+
+  _The Demon_ (_quietly_). My name is "Jim-Jam"; occupation--fiend.
+
+  _Joe_ (_cowering limply on his chair_). O Mr. Fiend, I _know_ it's
+                                          very wrong of me!
+
+  _Demon_ (_politely_). Don't mention it--but please to come "along of"
+                        me?
+
+  _Joe_ (_imploringly_). Do let me off this once,--ha! you're relenting,
+                         You smile----
+
+  _Demon_ (_grimly_). 'Tis nothing but my jam fermenting!
+    [_Catches_ JOE'S _ankle, and assists him to descend._
+
+  _Joe._ You'll drive me mad!
+
+  _Demon_ (_carelessly_). I _may_--before I've done with you!
+
+  _Joe._ What do you want?
+
+  _Demon_ (_darkly_). To have a little fun with you!
+                      Of fiendish humour now I'll give a specimen.
+
+[_Chases him round and round Stage, and proceeds to smear him hideously
+with jam._
+
+  _Joe_ (_piteously_). Oh, don't! I feel _so_ sticky. _What_ a mess
+                         I'm in!
+
+  _Demon_ (_with affected sympathy_). That _is_ the worst of jam--it's
+                                        apt to stain you.
+  [_To_ JOE, _as he frantically endeavours to remove the traces of his
+   crime._
+  I see you're busy--so I'll not detain you!
+
+[_Vanishes down star-trap with a diabolical laugh. Cupboard-doors close
+with a clang; all lights down._ JOE _stands gazing blankly for some
+moments, and then drags himself off Stage. His Mother and_ JOHN, _with
+Pear- and Plum-gatherers bearing laden baskets, appear at doors at back
+of Scene, in faint light of torches._
+
+_Re-enter Joe_ (_bearing a candle and wringing his hands_). Out, jammed
+spot! What--will these hands _never_ be clean? Here's the smell of the
+raspberry jam still! All the powders of Gregory cannot unsweeten this
+little hand.... (_Moaning._) Oh, oh, oh!
+
+[_This passage has been accused of bearing too close a resemblance to
+one in a popular Stage Play; if so, the coincidence is purely
+accidental, as the Dramatist is not in the habit of reading such profane
+literature._
+
+  _Joe's Mother._ Ah! what an icy dread my heart benumbs!
+                  See--stains on all his fingers, _and_ his thumbs!
+
+"What JOE was about, His Mother found out, When she look'd at his
+fingers and thumbs."--_Poem again._
+
+  Nay, JOSEPH--'tis your mother ... speak to her!
+
+_Joe_ (_tonelessly, as before_). Lady, I know you not (_touches lower
+part of waistcoat_); but, prithee, undo this button. I think I have jam
+in all my veins, and I would fain sleep. When I am gone, lay me in a
+plain white jelly-pot, with a parchment cover, and on the label
+write----but come nearer, I have a secret for your ear alone ... there
+are strange things in some cupboards! Demons should keep in the
+dust-bin. (_With a ghastly smile._) I know not what ails me, but I am
+not feeling at all well.
+
+[JOE'S Mother _stands a few steps from him, with her hands twisted in
+her hair, and stares at him in speechless terror._
+
+_Joe_ (_to the Chorus_). I would shake hands with you all, were not my
+fingers so sticky. We eat marmalade, but we know not what it is made of.
+Hush! if JIM-JAM comes again, tell him that I am not at home.
+Loo-loo-loo!
+
+_All_ (_with conviction_). Some shock has turned his brine!
+
+_Joe_ (_sitting down on floor, and weaving straws in his hair_). My
+curse upon him that invented jam. Let us all play Tibbits.
+
+[_Laughs vacantly: all gather round him, shaking their heads, his_
+Mother _falls fainting at his feet, as Curtain falls upon a strong and
+moral, though undeniably gloomy denoument._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAVOYARDS.
+
+MESSRS. GILBERT AND SULLIVAN'S _Gondoliers_ deserves to rank immediately
+after _The Mikado_ and _Pinafore_ bracketed. The _mise-en-scene_ is in
+every way about as perfect as it is possible to be. Every writer of
+_libretti_, every dramatist and every composer, must envy the Two
+Savoyards, their rare opportunities of putting their own work on their
+own stage, and being like the two Kings in this piece, jointly and
+equally monarchs of all they survey, though, unlike these two
+potentates, they are not their subjects' servants, and have only to
+consider what is best for the success of their piece, and to have it
+carried out, whatever it is, literally regardless of expense. And what
+does their work amount to? Simply a Two-Act Opera, to play
+two-hours-and-a-half, for the production of which they have practically
+a whole year at their disposal. They can go as near commanding success
+as is given to mortal dramatist and composer, and for any comparative
+failure they can have no one to blame but themselves, the pair of them.
+
+[Illustration: "Once upon a time there were two Kings."]
+
+Whatever the piece may be, it is always a pleasure to see how thoroughly
+the old hands at the Savoy enter into "the fun of the thing," and, as in
+the case of Miss JESSIE BOND and Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON, absolutely
+carry the audience with them by sheer exuberance of spirits.
+
+Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON possesses a ready wit and keen appreciation of
+humour; and, as this is true also of Miss JESSIE BOND, the couple, being
+thoroughly in their element with such parts as _The Gondoliers_ provide
+for them, legitimately graft their own fun on the plentiful stock
+already supplied by the author, and are literally the life and soul of
+the piece.
+
+On the night I was there a Miss NORAH PHYLLIS took Miss ULMAR'S part of
+_Gianetta_, and played it, at short notice, admirably. She struck me as
+bearing a marked facial resemblance to Miss FORTESQUE, and is a decided
+acquisition. Mr. DENNY, as the Grand Inquisitor (a part that recalls the
+Lord High Chancellor of the ex-Savoyard, GEORGE GROSSMITH, now
+entertaining "on his own hook"), doesn't seem to be a born Savoyard,
+_non nascitur_ and _non fit_ at present. Good he is, of course, but
+there's no spontaneity about him. However, for an eccentric comedian
+merely to do exactly what he is told, and nothing more, yet to do that,
+little or much, well, is a performance that would meet with _Hamlet's_
+approbation, and Mr. GILBERT'S. Mr. FRANK WYATT, as "the new boy" at the
+Savoy School, doesn't, as yet, seem quite happy; but it cannot be
+expected that he should feel "quite at home," when he has only recently
+arrived at a new school.
+
+Miss BRANDRAM is a thorough Savoyard; _nihil tetigit quod non ornavit_,
+and her embroidery of a part which it is fair to suppose was written to
+suit her, is done in her own quaint and quiet fashion.
+
+A fantastically and humorous peculiarly Gilbertian idea is the
+comparison between a visit to the dentist's, and an interview with the
+questioners by the rack, suggested by the Grand Inquisitor Don ALHAMBRA
+who says that the nurse is waiting in the torture-chamber, but that
+there is no hurry for him to go and examine her, as she is all right and
+"has all the illustrated papers."
+
+[Illustration: Rutland Pooh-Bah-rington, after signing his
+re-engagement, takes his Bond, and sings, "Again we come to the Savoy."]
+
+There are ever so many good things in the Opera, but the best of all,
+for genuinely humorous inspiration of words, music and acting, is the
+quartette in the Second Act, "In a contemplative fashion." It is
+excellent. Thank goodness, _encores_ are disencouraged, except where
+there can be "No possible sort of doubt, No possible doubt whatever"
+(also a capital song in this piece) as to the unanimity of the
+enthusiasm. There is nothing in the music that catches the ear on a
+first hearing as did "_The Three Little Maids_," or "_I've got a Song to
+Sing O!_" but it is all charming, and the masterly orchestration in its
+fulness and variety is something that the least technically educated can
+appreciate and enjoy. The piece is so brilliant to eye and ear, that
+there is never a dull moment on the stage or off it. It is just one of
+those simple _Bab-Ballady_ stories which, depending for its success not
+on any startling surprise in the plot, but on general excellence, may,
+especially on account of the music, be safely put down on the
+play-goer's list for "a second hearing."
+
+    CHRISTMAS BOX.
+
+[Illustration: George Grossmith on his own Hook.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUSSIAN ART.
+
+From _The Morning Post_, last week, we learn that the Russian Imperial
+Academy of Arts, has passed a law prohibiting Jews to become members of
+its artistic body. By the Nose of _Mr. Punch_, but this is too bad, and
+too bigoted for any century, let alone the "so-called Nineteenth." If
+such a rule, or rather such an exception, could have been possible in
+England within the last twenty years, what a discouragement it would
+have been for all the Royal Academicians, who would thereby _have lost
+Hart!_ Dear good old SOLOMON! He was a poor HART that often rejoiced,
+and if he was not the best painter in the world, he was just about the
+worst punster. We hope to hear that our Royal Academicians, with their
+large-hearted and golden-tongued President at their head, will send a
+friendly expostulation to their Russian Brothers in oil, and obtain the
+abrogation of this unreasonable legislation, which is one effect of an
+anti-semitic cyclone, fit only for the _Jew-ventus Mundi_, but not for
+the world at its maturity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "DOT AND GO ONE"--no, see _Dot_, and go several times
+    again to see our JOHNNIE TOOLE at his own Theatre,
+    before he leaves for the Antipodes. The good old farce
+    of _Toole in the Pigskin_ is well-mounted, and is, of
+    course, one of the pieces on which he will rely, as
+    especially appropriate to Horse-tralia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRESH TO THE COUNTRY.
+
+_Young Lady._ "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE MEET IS?"
+
+_Butcher's Boy_ (_a recent importation from London_). "YES, MUM. I JIST
+TOOK IT HUP TO THE 'ALL THIS MORNIN'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE START.
+
+  Off! Yes; but inexperienced feet,
+  With pace that's fast and a style that's neat,
+    At first can scarcely be expected
+  O'er frozen waters to glide and fleet.
+
+  "_Have them on, Sir?_" Old Time was there,
+  With the shining steels and the ready chair.
+    His latest pupil is passing yonder,
+  No more the ice-locked waters to dare.
+
+  _His_ feet are tired and his knees are stiff,
+  _His_ breath comes low in a wheezy whiff.
+    He'll now "lay up," like a worn-out wherry.
+  'Tis yours to start like a new-launched skiff.
+
+  How many a novice that Skate-man old
+  Has helped to onset alert and bold!
+    How many a veteran worn seen vanish,
+  Aching with effort and pinched with cold!
+
+  And you, young novice, 'tis now your turn
+  Your skates to try and your steps to learn.
+    You long to fly like the skimming swallow,
+  To brave the breathless "scurry" you burn.
+
+  He knows, he knows, your aged guide!
+  The screws are fixed, and the straps are tied,
+    And he looks sharp out for the shambling stagger,
+  The elbows wobbling, the knees too wide.
+
+  But boyhood's hopeful, and youth has pluck;
+  And now, when scarcely your steel hath struck
+    The slithery ice in your first bold venture,
+  _Punch_, friendly watcher, will wish you luck!
+
+  He too has seen some novices start,
+  And knows, however you play your part,
+    The "outside edge," and attendant perils,
+  Will tax your sinews and test your heart.
+
+  But most on the ice does the old saw hold--
+  "Be bold, be bold, but be not _too_ bold!"
+    Though there's many a rotten patch marked "Danger!"
+  Young hearts are warm if the weather be cold.
+
+  Bravo, youngster! Steady! Strike out!
+  Caution, yes, but not palsying doubt.
+    Courage! and you--ere your course you finish--
+  May beat "Fish" SMART at a flying bout!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S KRISMUS HIM.
+
+  How werry warious is the reasons why
+    We welcoms Crismus with a ringing cheer!
+  The Skoolboy nos his hollidays is nigh,
+    And treats the hale stout Porter to sum Beer.
+
+  The Cook and Ousemaid smiles upon the Baker,
+    Who takes his little fee without no blush,
+  Likewise upon the Butcher and Shoo Maker
+    Who makes their calls dispite the Sno or Slush.
+
+  The Dustman cums a crying out for "Dust,"
+    But nos full well that isn't wot he seeks,
+  And gits his well-earned shilling with the fust,
+    And smiles on Mary as his thanks he speaks.
+
+  The Groser smart, as likewise his Green Brother,
+    In their best close cums with a modest ring,
+  And having got their orders, one and tother,
+    Smilingly asks for jest one other thing.
+
+  The Postman's dubbel nock cums to each door,
+    Whether he has a Letter got or no,
+  The stingy Master thinks his call a bore,
+    And gives his paltry shilling werry slow.
+
+  The jowial Waiter shows unwonted joy!
+    And hails his Crismus with becoming glee!
+  Knowing full well _his_ plezzurs newer cloy,
+    Who gets from ewery Gest a dubble fee!
+
+  Why are not all men like the jowial Waiter,
+    Allers content with what kind Fortune brings,
+  Whether it's Turtel Soop or a meer tater,
+    He sets a pattern to Lord Mares and Kings.
+
+  Then let us all while Crismus time we're keeping,
+    Whether we barsks in fortune's smile or frown,
+  Be thankful for the harwest we are reaping,
+    And give a thort to them whose luck is down.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    HISTORICAL PARALLELS.--Two Directories. The French
+    _Directoire_ was a short-lived stopgap of not unmixed
+    benefit to France, but our English Directory, yclept
+    KELLY'S, for 1890, directorily, or indirectorily,
+    supplies all our wants, comes always "as a boon and a
+    blessing to men," and is within a decade of becoming a
+    hale and hearty centenarian. _Vivat_ KELLY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE START]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNTILED; OR, THE MODERN ASMODEUS.
+
+"Tres volontiers," repartit le demon.
+
+"Vous aimez les tableaux changeans: je veux vous contenter."
+
+_Le Diable Boiteux._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+XV.
+
+  Down through the night we drifted slow, the rays
+  From London's countless gas-jets starred the haze
+      O'er which we darkly hovered.
+  Broad loomed the bulk of WREN'S colossal dome
+  Through the grey mist, which, like a sea of foam,
+      The sleeping city covered.
+
+  "The year," the Shadow murmured, "nears its close.
+  Lo! how they swarm in slumber, friends and foes,
+      Kindred and utter strangers,
+  The millions of this Babylon, stretched beneath
+  The shroud of night, and drawing peaceful breath,
+      Unstirred by dreads and dangers."
+
+  "But not by dreams," I answered, "Canst reveal,
+  O Shade, the vagrant thoughts that throng and steal
+      About these countless pillows?
+  Or are these sleeping souls as shut to thee
+  As is the unsounded silence of the sea
+      To those who brave its billows?"
+
+  "Dreams?" smiled the Shadow. "What I see right well
+  Your eyes may not behold. Yet can I tell
+      Their import as unravelled
+  By subtler sense, whilst through these souls they pass!
+  What said the demon to _Don Cleophas_
+      As o'er Madrid they travelled?
+
+  "Such dreams as haunt us near the glimmering morn
+  Shadow forth truth; these through the Gates of Horn
+      Find passage to the sleeper.
+  Prophetic? Nay! But sense therein may read
+  The heart's desire, in pangs of love or greed;
+      What divination deeper?
+
+  "Yon Statesman, struggling in the nightmare's grip,
+  Fears he has let Time's scanty forelock slip,
+      And lost a great occasion
+  Of self-advancement. How that mouth's a-writhe
+  With hate, on platforms oft so blandly blithe
+     In golden-tongued persuasion!
+
+  "He, blindly blundering, as through baffling mist,
+  Is a professional philanthropist,
+      Rosy-gilled, genial, hearty.
+  A mouthing Friend of Man. He dreams he's deep
+  In jungles of self-interest, where creep
+      Sleuth-hounds of creed and party.
+
+  "That sleek-browed sleeper? 'Tis the Great Pooh-pooh,
+  The 'Mugwump' of the _Weekly Whillaloo_,
+      A most superior creature;
+  Too high for pity and too cold for wrath;
+  The pride of dawdlers on the Higher Path
+      Suffuses every feature.
+
+  "Contemptuous, he, of clamorous party strife,
+  And all the hot activities of life;
+      But most the Politician
+  He mocks--for 'meanness.' How the prig would gasp
+  If shown the slime-trail of that wriggling asp
+      In his own haunts Elysian!
+
+  "He dreams Creation, cleared of vulgar noise,
+  Is dedicate to calm aesthetic joys,
+      That he is limply lolling
+  Amidst the lilies that toil not nor spin,
+  Given quite to dandy scorn, and dainty sin,
+      And languor, and 'log-rolling.'
+
+  "The head which on that lace-trimmed pillow lies
+  Is fair as Psyche's. Yes, those snow-veiled eyes
+      Look Dian-pure and saintly.
+  Sure no Aholibah could own those lips,
+  Through whose soft lusciousness the bland breath slips
+      So fragrantly and faintly.
+
+  "That up-curved arm which bears the silken knot
+  Of dusky hair, is it more free from blot
+      Than is her soul who slumbers?
+  Her visions? Of 'desirable young men,'
+  Who crowd round her like swine round Circe's pen
+      In ever-swelling numbers.
+
+  "Of Love? Nay, but of lovers. Love's a lean
+  And impecunious urchin; lovers mean
+      Gifts, worship, triumph--Money!
+  The Golden Apple is the fruit to witch
+  Our modern Atalantas. To be rich,
+      Live on life's milk and honey;
+
+  "Stir crowds, charm royalties,--these are the things
+  Psyche most cares for, not her radiant wings
+      Or Cupid's shy caresses.
+  She dreams of conquests that a world applauds,
+  Or a Stage-wardrobe with a thousand gauds,
+      And half-a-hundred dresses.
+
+  "Not so, that other sleeper, stretched at length,
+  A spectre stripped of charm and shorn of strength,
+      In yon dismantled chamber.
+  Dreams she of girlhood's couch, the lavender
+  Of country sheets, a roof where pigeons whirr
+      And creamy roses clamber?
+
+  "Of him the red-faced swain whose rounded eyes
+  Dwelt on her charms in moony ecstacies?
+      Of pride, of shame, of sorrow?
+  Nay, of what now seems Nature's crowning good;
+  Hunger-wrought dreams are hers of food--food--food.
+      She'll wake from them to-morrow;
+
+  "Wake fiercely famishing, savagely sick,
+  The animal in man is quick, so quick
+      To stir and claim full forage.
+  Let famine parch the hero's pallid lips,
+  Pinch Beauty's breast, then watch the swift eclipse
+      Of virtue, sweetness, courage!
+
+  "Cynical? Sense leaves that to callow youth
+  And callous age; plain picturing of the truth
+      Seems cynical,--to folly.
+  Friend, the true cynic is the shallow mime
+  Who paints humanity devoid of crime,
+      And life supremely 'jolly,'
+
+  "See such an one, in scented sheets a-loll!
+  Rich fare and rosy wine have lapped his soul
+      In a _bon-vivant's_ slumbers.
+  His pen lies there, the ink is scarcely dry
+  With which he sketched the smug philosophy
+      Of Cant and Christmas Numbers.
+
+  "He dreams of--holly, home, exuberant hearts,
+  Picturesque poverty, the toys and tarts
+      Of childhood's hope?--No, verily!
+  'Tis a dream-world of pleasure, power, and pelf,
+  Visions of the apocalypse of Self,
+      O'er which his soul laughs merrily."
+
+  "Enough!" I cried. "The morning's earliest gleams
+  Will soon dissolve this pageantry of dreams.
+      The New Year's at our portals.
+  Unselfishness, and purity, and hope,
+  Dawn with it through the dream-world's cloudy cope,
+      Even on slumbering mortals."
+
+  "Granted," the Shadow answered. "Poppy-Land
+  Is not _all_ Appetite and Humbug bland.
+      Myriads of night-capped noddles
+  We must leave unexplored. Their owners oft
+  Are saints austere, or sympathisers soft,
+      Truth's types and Virtue's models!"
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+PREPARING TO MEET AN EPIDEMIC.--If you sit all day in your great coat,
+muffled up to the eyes in a woollen comforter and with your feet in
+constantly replenished mustard and hot water, as you propose, you will
+certainly be prepared, when it makes its appearance, to encounter the
+attack of the Russian Epidemic Influenza, that you so much dread. Your
+idea of taking a dose of some advertised Patent Medicine every other
+hour, as a preventive, is by no means a bad one, and your resolution to
+shut yourself up in your house, see no friends, open no letters, read no
+newspapers, and live entirely on tinned meats for three months, might
+possibly secure you from the chances of an attack; but on the whole we
+should rather advise you to carry out your plan of leaving the country
+altogether and seeking a temporary asylum in South Central Africa until
+you are assured that the contagion has blown over, as the preferable
+one. Anyhow you might try it. Meanwhile, certainly drench your clothes
+with disinfectants, fill your hat with cotton wool steeped in spirits of
+camphor, and if you meet any friends in the street, prevent them
+addressing you, by keeping them at arm's-length with your walking-stick,
+or, better still, if you have it with you, your opened umbrella. They
+may or they may not understand your motive, and when they do, though
+they may not respect you for your conduct, it is just possible that they
+may not seriously resent it. Your precautionary measures, if
+scrupulously carried out, should certainly ensure your safety. Put them
+in hand at once, and be sure you let us hear from you next Spring
+informing us, on the whole, how you have got on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    WHAT POCKET-BOOKS TO GET.--Mark us; WARD'S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUNTING HINTS.----HOW TO KEEP THE THING GOING DURING A
+SNOW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE
+
+  THE BARON'S Booking-Office is still decked about with holly,
+  For the Season that at any rate's conventionally "jolly,"
+  Is by no means wholly over, and the very hard-worked Baron
+  Feels rather like a sort of tired-out literary Charon,
+  With an over-laden ferry-boat, and passengers too numerous.
+  For seasonable "novelties"--and "notions" quaint and humorous
+  Still crowd on him, and claim his constant critical attention,
+  Some may escape his notice, but a few more he must mention
+  MARCUS WARD'S are good as usual, and his "Christmas Cheque Book"'s funny;
+  Though rather a sardonic "sell" to parties short of money.
+  CASTELL BROTHERS' Cards are charming, but the words "Printed in Germany,"
+  The patriotic Baron irk, or may he turn a Merman! He
+  Can't see why pictured prettiness should be beyond _home_-printing.
+  He doesn't want to dogmatise, but really can't help _hinting!_
+  _Scout's Head_, by LANGBRIDGE, boys will like. JEROME K. JEROME'S
+        _Stage-Land_,
+  Which BERNARD PARTRIDGE illustrates, might tickle e'en the sage land
+  Of Puritan Philistia at Clapham-Rise or Barnsbury.
+  And now let us the memory of Christmas Cards and yarns bury
+  In a right bowl of stingo, in the which the Baron cheerily
+  Drinks to his readers heartily, sincerely, and Happy-New-Year-ily!
+
+Once upon a time Mr. LEWIS CARROLL wrote a marvellously grotesque,
+fantastic, and humorous book called _Alice in Wonderland_, and on
+another occasion he wrote _Through the Looking-Glass_, in which _Alice_
+reappeared, and then the spring of Mr. LEWIS CARROLL'S fanciful humour
+apparently dried up, for he has done nothing since worth mentioning in
+the same breath with his two first works; and if his writings have been
+by comparison watery, unlike water, they have never risen by inherent
+quality to their original level. Of his latest book, called _Sylvie and
+Bruno_, I can make neither head nor tale. It seems a muddle of all
+sorts, including a little bit of Bible thrown in. It will be bought,
+because LEWIS CARROLL'S name is to it, and it will be enjoyed for the
+sake of Mr. FURNISS'S excellent illustrations, but for no other reason,
+that I can see. I feel inclined to carol to CARROLL, "O don't you
+remember sweet ALICE?" and, if so, please be good enough to wake her up
+again, if you can.
+
+M. FREDERIC MAYER'S International Almanack takes my breath away. It is
+overwhelmingly international. Most useful to the International
+Theatre-goer, as there are plans of all the principal theatres in
+Europe, with the seats numbered, so that you have only to wire (answer
+paid) to the Theatre Francais for _fauteuil d'orchestre_ Number 20, to
+Drury Lane in the same way, to the Operahaus, Berlin ("Open Haus" sounds
+so internationally hospitable) for _Parquet_ Number 200 (so as to get a
+good view), to the Wallner Theater, Berlin, for something of the same
+sort, or to La Scala, Milan, for the sixth _Sedie d'orchestra_ on the
+left (as the numbers are not given--why?) and you'll be accommodated.
+Then with ease the internationalist can learn when the Moon is full,
+_Pleine Lune_, _Vollmond_, _Luna Piena_ and _Luna Ilena_ in five
+languages. The Italian, the Spaniard, the French, the Englishman, the
+German and the Dutchman can find out all about the different
+watering-places of Europe, each one in his own native tongue, and all
+about "the Court of Arches" in London and Madrid. There is the Jewish
+and also the Mahommedan Calendar, but I see nothing about the Greek
+Kalends. I am not quite sure that the Bulgarians will be quite
+satisfied, and I should say, that the Aborigines of Central Africa will
+have a distinct grievance, which M. FREDERIC MAYER will rectify after an
+interview with Mr. STANLEY. It's a wonderful production, and as it gives
+postal rates and cab-fares in ever so many languages, it will be of
+great practical value to the traveller. But no list of cab-fares is
+perfect without a model row with the driver in eight languages,
+including some bad language and directions as to the shortest route to
+the nearest police court.
+
+Our good Doctor ROOSE _in urbe_, has just published a _brochure_,
+dealing with the origin, treatment, and prevention (for there is
+apparently no cure) of the fell disease to which, and for a multitude of
+whose victims, Father DAMIEN died a martyr. If in the Doctor's treatment
+of this subject after his own peculiar fashion _a la_ ROOSE, he can help
+to alleviate present suffering and materially assist the crusade now
+being undertaken against this common enemy, he will have contributed his
+share of energy in starting 1890 hopefully.
+
+Those who suffer from indigestion at this festive season, and wish to
+intensify the effects of the malady, will do well to read a new book
+entitled _Master of his Fate_, by J. MACLAREN COBBAN, who, if he does
+not write well, that is, judging his style from a hypercritical purist's
+point of view, yet contrives to interest you with a story almost as
+sensational as that of _Hyde and Jekyl_. The _Master of his Fate_ might
+have had for its second title, _Or, The Accomplished Modern Vampire_,
+the hero being a sort of a vampire, but not one of the good old school.
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE SERVANTS."
+
+_Lady Patroness_ (_Registry Office of Charitable Society_). "AND WHY ARE
+YOU LEAVING YOUR PRESENT PLACE?"
+
+_Small Applicant._ "PLEASE, 'M, THE LADY SAID SHE CAN DO WITH A LESS
+EXPERIENCED SERVANT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMONG THE AMATEURS.
+
+No. II.--PREPARATION.
+
+SCENE.--_The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A company of
+Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing the well-known Comedy
+of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst them are our friends_ BUCKSTONE BOLDERO,
+TIFFINGTON SPINKS, CHARLIE GUSHBY, _and_ HARRY HALL. _Besides these, we
+may note_ Colonel THOMAS CLUMK, _an ex-military Amateur, who devotes
+more time to acting small parts and talking big about them than he ever
+did to soldiering. Then there is_ ANDREW JARP, _a portly and elderly
+partner in a considerable firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long
+practice, has grown perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office
+is in the City, and he drives down to it every morning in a private
+brougham, fitted with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies
+the air and deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man
+of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury if he
+hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer._ HORATIO SPUFFIL _is
+also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, but has lately abandoned
+such frivolity, and been elected a Member of the London County Council.
+A few rising Amateur Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The
+Ladies' parts are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres
+Royal generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in
+their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"_--Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE,
+Miss AMELIA SLIMPER, _who are new to the Amateurs,_ and KITTY LARKINGS,
+_who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" before._ BOLDERO _is Stage
+Manager. The Stage is occupied by_ SPINKS (_as_ Colonel DEBENHAM, _a
+retired Indian Officer_), GUSHBY (_as_ TOM TILBURY, _a comic Country
+Squire_), _and_ DOROTHY SHUTTLE (_as_ BELINDA, _Nurserymaid in the
+family of_ Lord _and_ Lady SHORTHORN, _represented respectively by_
+BOLDERO _and_ Miss AMELIA).
+
+_Boldero_ (_from the front of the house_). Stop a moment! You know we
+really must settle what we are to do about those two children that
+_Belinda's_ got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the
+Duchess of MIDDLESEX to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, but
+she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any one here
+who can help us? [_The three Ladies titter._
+
+_Gushby_ (_in whose breast the leading part played by_ SPINKS _still
+rankles_). Why not let SPINKS do it? He's always wanting to "double"
+parts, and here's a splendid chance for him.
+
+_Spinks_ (_coldly_). That's _very_ funny--really _very_ funny, GUSHBY.
+It's a pity "Colonel DEBENHAM" (_alluding to his own role in the
+comedy_) isn't a _clown's_ part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it
+was. Ha, ha! (_bitterly_).
+
+_Colonel Clumk_. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two
+red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em.
+
+_Boldero._ That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow.
+Let's get on a bit now. Come, SPINKS!
+
+_Spinks._ Where were we? (_With an air of intense annoyance._) These
+constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. (_Resumes
+rehearsing the part of_ "Colonel DEBENHAM.") "Nursemaid, take those
+squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady SHORTHORN permitting them
+in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at once--at once, I say; or I'll
+make curry-powder of the lot of you!"
+
+_Miss Dorothy Shuttle_ (_as_ "BELINDA"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so
+spoken to afore. (_To her imaginary children._) Did the horrid man scold
+them, then, pretty dears? (_To_ DEBENHAM.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit
+to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [_Exit, wheeling
+an imaginary perambulator._
+
+_Boldero_ (_enthusiastically_). Excellent! That couldn't have been done
+better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go.
+(Miss DOROTHY SHUTTLE _is much pleased, and foresees several stalls
+being taken on the occasion of her next benefit._) Now, then (_to_
+SPINKS, _who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to
+praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal_), SPINKS,
+hurry up a bit, hurry up!
+
+_Spinks._ My dear BOLDERO, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever
+the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to
+get on if _everybody_ wants to talk at the same moment. (_Resumes his
+part as_ "Colonel DEBENHAM," _shaking his fist at the departing_
+BELINDA.) "Impertinent minx! (_Turns furiously on_ GUSHBY, _who is on
+the stage in the character of_ TILBURY, _the comic Squire._) And you,
+Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by
+standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not
+stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable
+turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (_Carried away by histrionic
+enthusiasm_, SPINKS _brings his fist down violently on the precise spot
+where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he
+hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the
+Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic.
+The unfortunate_ SPINKS _hurts himself considerably, and is furious.
+Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself
+again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager._) Upon my soul,
+BOLDERO, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get
+that table placed there _at all costs_, and time after time you forget
+it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be
+d---- (_suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a
+milder expletive_)--confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm
+too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined.
+You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics.
+[_Limps up and down the Stage._
+
+_Miss Amelia Slimper_ (_rather a novice, and anxious to make useful
+acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs--to_ Miss KITTY,
+_whispering_). Are they very keen about notices?
+
+_Miss Kitty_ (_experienced in Amateurs_). Keen! I should think they
+were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.
+
+_Boldero_ (_peaceably_). Well, SPINKS, you know you smashed two tables
+last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see
+it's there next time. Now then, JARP! Where's JARP? This is his
+entrance. Where the deuce is he? (_Enter_ JARP _as_ "Mr. BINNS, _Butler
+to_ Lord SHORTHORN"). Dear me, JARP, what have you been up to?
+
+_Jarp_ (_vexed_). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been
+learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to
+follow my example, instead of talking all day.
+
+_Boldero._ JARP, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if
+you know your part, after all this.
+
+JARP (_as_ BINNS, _without moving a muscle_). "'Er Ladyship's
+compliments, Colonel DEBENHAM, and she would like to see you."
+
+_Spinks_ (_as_ DEBENHAM). "Very well. Tell her I'll come."
+
+_Jarp_ (_as_ BINNS). "Yes, Sir."
+
+[_Exit_ JARP _as_ BINNS, _but immediately becomes_ JARP, _and complains
+to the young Ladies that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The
+professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is very
+provoking, and_ Miss AMELIA _takes the opportunity of expressing her
+confident opinion that he_, JARP, _will play his part admirably, and
+only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the
+conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the probability
+of_ Miss AMELIA _being engaged next season at a fashionable London
+Theatre, &c., &c._
+
+_Miss Dorothy_ (_aside, in a whisper, to_ Miss KITTY, _alluding to_
+JARP'S _recent exit_). Is that all he's got to say?
+
+_Miss Kitty_ (_in same tone to_ Miss DOROTHY). Not quite. He says, "'Er
+Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes a deal of
+learning.
+
+[_The rehearsal proceeds._ SPUFFIL _does wonders as "a young man about
+town";_ Colonel CLUMK _performs the part of a Country Clergyman in a
+manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar._ BOLDERO
+_having praised_ SPINKS, _is pronounced by the latter to be
+unapproachable as_ Lord SHORTHORN. _In the Third Act_, HALL _sings his
+song about_ "the Boy in Buttons." _On the previous day, he had had a
+difference with_ SPINKS _and_ BOLDERO.
+
+_Boldero._ I think that song's out of place. What say you, SPINKS?
+
+_Spinks._ Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar.
+
+_Boldero._ Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, HALL. It'll do for next
+year just as well. You can make it fit any piece?
+
+_Hall_ (_pale, but determined_). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes,
+SPINKS, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to BOLDERO,
+but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (_observes_ SPUFFIL
+_smiling_) no, nor of SPUFFIL'S either, when you spoke to me yesterday:
+and as for GUSHBY, why we all know what GUSHBY is.
+
+[_All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes._
+
+_Boldero_ (_looking at his watch_). Good heavens! we shall miss our
+train, and I've promised to look in on IRVING to-night. He'd never
+forgive me if I didn't turn up.
+
+[_Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other
+Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like "laughter in Court,"
+are "immediately suppressed." Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with
+himself, and more or less disgusted with everybody else._
+
+_Miss Amelia_ (_to_ KITTY). What a funny lot! Are they like that every
+year?
+
+_Miss Kitty._ Yes, always. But (_confidentially_) they do come out
+strong for a "ben."
+
+[_They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MID-WINTER'S NIGHT'S DREAM.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Surely AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS has triumphed and beaten the record! For the
+last nine years it has been the cry, "There never was so good a
+Pantomime as _this_ one," and now again the shout is repeated. _Jack and
+the Beanstalk_ is the eleventh of the series, and the best. "How it is
+done?" only AUGUSTUS can answer. The Annual (no longer, alas! written by
+the gentle and genial E. L. B.) has an excellent book. It contains
+something of all sorts. Now we have SHAKSPEARE'S fairy-land with
+_Oberon_, _Titania_, and _Puck_, then HARRY NICHOLL'S Royal Palace with
+Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL and Miss HARRIET VERNON, then Madame KATTI LANNER'S
+Market Place, with a number of the most promising of her pupils (of all
+ages too, from the tiny child to the "ceased-growing-a-long-while-ago")
+then Mrs. SIMPSON'S Back Garden, with Mr. GEORGE CONQUEST junior as a
+giant, Mr. DAN LENO as a widow, and the Brothers GRIFFITHS as the Cow
+Company Limited, and lastly, controlling the whole, we have Mr. AUGUSTUS
+HARRIS who is seen at his very best when we reach the Giant's Library
+and the realms of Olympus.
+
+And this Pantomime is not only beautiful but amusing. It has two grand
+processions, but this year, by good stage-management, neither is
+tedious. The Shakspearean Heroines do a little play-acting between
+whiles, and the gods and goddesses, or rather their attendants,
+manoeuvre before the eye becomes weary of watching their approach. For
+instance, Mars has scarcely time to swagger down to the foot-lights in
+the most appropriate and approved fashion, before he finds himself
+called upon to stand near a private box on the prompt side, to be well
+out of the way of his dancing terpsichorean satellites. _Lady Macbeth_
+has hardly "taken the daggers" before _King Lear_ (Mr. LORRAINE) is
+bringing a furtive tear to the eyes of all beholders (_one_ tear is
+sufficient at Christmastide) by his touching pantomime in the presence
+of his three fair daughters.
+
+Then, too, Mr. HARRY PAYNE has _his_ chance, and makes the most of it.
+It was quite pleasant to see the Clown on Boxing-Night, and those who
+left the theatre mindful of trains that will not delay the hours fixed
+for their departure, must have determined (if they were wise people) to
+come again to witness the remainder of the performances. Then those who
+liked acrobats had the Leopold Troupe, and a strong man who lifted up a
+horse (but did not have his own name, or the name of his charger, on the
+programme) to delight them. And it was also a pleasing reflection to
+remember that the entertainment was the result of solid hard work,
+combined with excellent judgment and taste. Paterfamilias could say to
+Young Hopeful home for the holidays, "See here, my lad, the lessee of
+our National Theatre could never have caused us so much thorough
+enjoyment had he not worked with a will that you will do well to imitate
+when you return to Dr. SWISHTALES' Academy at the conclusion of the
+Christmas vacation." And so all can cry with genuine enthusiasm:--"_Ave_,
+AUGUSTUS! _Ave_, DRURIOLANUS! _Ave_, IMPERATOR! _Ave! Ave!_--and NICHOLLS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+VOLUME 98, JANUARY 4, 1890***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 25685.txt or 25685.zip *******
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