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diff --git a/25676.txt b/25676.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..407f44c --- /dev/null +++ b/25676.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2245 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +June 3, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, June 3, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 2, 2008 [EBook #25676] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 146 + + JUNE 3rd 1914 + + + + + CHIVARIA. + + +"When the KING and QUEEN visit Nottinghamshire as the guests of the Duke +and Duchess of PORTLAND at Welbeck, three representative colliery owners +and four working miners will," we read, "be presented to their Majesties +at Forest Town." A most embarrassing gift, we should say, and one which +cannot, without hurting susceptibilities, be passed on to the Zoological +Society. + + * * * + +Are the French, we wonder, losing that valuable quality of tact for +which they have so long enjoyed a reputation? Amongst the Ministers +introduced at Paris to KING CHRISTIAN OF DENMARK, who enjoys his +designation of "The tall King," was M. MAGINOL, who is an inch taller +than His Majesty. He should surely have been told to stay at home. + + * * * + +In the Bow County Court, last week, a woman litigant carried with her, +for luck, an ornamental horse-shoe, measuring at least a foot in length, +and won her case. Magistrates trust that this idea, pretty as it is, may +not spread to Suffragettes of acknowledged markmanship. + + * * * + +Extract from an account in _The Daily Chronicle_ of the _Silver King_ +disturbance:--"The officers held her down, and, with the ready aid of +members of the audience, managed to keep her fairly quiet, though she +bit those who tried to hold their hands over her mouth. A stage hand was +sent for ..." If we are left to assume that she did not like the taste +of that, we regard it as an insult to a deserving profession. + + * * * + +"Do people read as much as they used to?" is a question which is often +asked nowadays. There are signs that they are, anyhow, getting more +particular as to what they read. Even the House of Commons is becoming +fastidious. It refused, the other day, to read the Weekly Rest Day Bill +a second time, and the Third Reading of the Home Rule Bill was regarded +as a waste of time and intelligence. + + * * * + +The superstitions of great men are always interesting, and we hear that, +after his experience at Ipswich and on the Stock Exchange, Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE is now firmly convinced that it is unlucky for him to have +anything to do with anyone whose name ends in "oni." + + * * * + +Professor METCHNIKOFF, the great authority on the prevention of senile +decay, will shortly celebrate his seventieth birthday, and a project is +on foot to congratulate him on his good fortune in living so long. + + * * * + +The Central Telephone Exchange is now prepared to wake up subscribers at +any hour for threepence a call, and it is forming an "Early Risers' +List." So many persons are anxious to take a rise out of the Telephone +Service that the success of the innovation is assured. + + * * * + +By crossing the Channel in a biplane, the Princess LOEWENSTEIN-WERTHEIM +has earned the right to be addressed as "Your Altitude." + + * * * + +Illustration: _Pugilistic Veteran._ "COME ERLONG, YOUNG UN--COME +ERLONG; PUT SOME BEEF INTO IT. THAT AIN'T THE STUFF _I_ DID AT YOUR +AGE." + + * * * + +We see from an advertisement that we now have in our midst an "Institute +of Hand Development." This should prove most useful to parents who own +troublesome children. No doubt after a short course of instruction the +spanking power of the hand may be doubled. + + * * * + +Reading that two houses in King Street, Cheapside, were sold last week +"for a price equal to nearly L13 10_s._ per foot super," a correspondent +asks, "What is a super foot?" If it is not a City policeman's we give it +up. + + * * * + +There are now 168 house-boats on the Thames, states the annual report of +the Conservators, and it has been suggested that a race between these +craft might form an attractive item at Henley. + + * * * + +Shoals of mackerel entered Dover Bay last week, and many of the fish +were caught by what is described as a novel form of bait, namely a +cigarette paper on a hook drawn through the water in the same way as a +"spinner." As a matter of fact we believe that smoked salmon are usually +caught this way. + + * * * + +We learn from an announcement in _The Medical Officer_ that Dr. T. S. +MCSWINEY has sold his practice to Dr. HOGG--and it only remains for us +to hope that Dr. HOGG has not bought a pig in a poke. + + * * * + +It looks as if even in America the respect for Titles is on the wane. We +venture to extract the following item from the catalogue of an American +dealer in autographs:--"BRYCE, JAMES, Viscount. Historian. Original MS. +33 pp. 4to of his article 'Equality.' In this he says:--'The evils of +hereditary titles exceed their advantage. In Great Britain they produce +snobbishness both among those who possess them and those who do not, +without (as a rule) any corresponding sense of duty to sustain the +credit of the family or the caste. Their abolition would be clear +gain....' And now he is a Viscount. Price 30 dollars." + + * * * * * + +MORE AFRICAN UNREST. + +From a letter in _The East African Standard_:-- + + "We have indeed reached the stage known as the last straw on the + camel's back, and I, for one, am quite prepared, as one of the least + component parts of that camel, to add my iota to the endeavour to + kick over the traces. Let us unite and, marching shoulder to + shoulder and eye to eye, set sail for that glorious and equally + well-known goal--'Who pays the piper calls the tune.'" + +No man of spirit could resist so stirring an appeal. + + * * * * * + +EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS. + +I. + +From the latest Official Report on anti-aircraft guns:-- + + "Another arrangement, constructed by Messrs. Lenz, is that in which the + layer's seat is attached to the muzzle of the gun." + +II. + + "The mediators who are to intervene to bring peace in Mexico have begun + their sittings at Niagara in a situation which is full of perplexity." + + _The Saturday Westminster Gazette._ + +If the spot alluded to is immediately under the Falls we can well +understand their lack of confidence. + + * * * * * + +THE HOLIDAY MOOD. + +TO THE LIBERAL PARTY--BRITISH SECTION. + +["The effect, however" (of the Nationalists' enthusiasm) "was somewhat +marred by the apathy of the Liberals."--_"The Times," on the Third +Reading of the Home Rule Bill._] + + Why was the timbrel's note suppressed? + Why rang there not a rousing paean + When Ireland, waiting to be blest, + Hanging about for half an aeon, + Achieved at length the heights of Heaven + By a majority of 77? + + Why was the trombone's music dumb? + Why did the tears of joy not splash on + The vellum of the big bass drum + To indicate your ardent passion + For that Green Isle across the way + Which you must really visit some fine day? + + Was it the three elections (by-) + That left you for the time prostrated + (They should have raised your spirits high, + So INFANT SAMUEL calculated), + Concluding with the worst of slips which + Occurred between the cup and mouth at Ipswich? + + Was it because your Home Rule Bill + (Though perfect) craves to be amended, + And to the Lords you love so ill + That you would gladly see 'em ended + The delicate task has been referred + Of patching up the places where you erred? + + Was it that you were pained to find + How Ulster took your noble Charter; + With what composure she declined + To bear it like a Christian martyr; + How there she stood, too firm to shake, + With no idea of stepping to the stake? + + Or did you hear a still small voice + Under your waistcoat, where your heart is: + "We fought by contract, not by choice, + Ay, and the spoils are not our party's; + The Tories may be beat, but _we_ know + This is not ASQUITH'S, it is REDMOND'S beano"? + + Or did you doubt if all was right + With Erin when you heard O'BRIEN + Foreboding doom by second sight + And roaring like a wounded lion, + And saw what venomed hate convulsed her + Apart from any little tiff with Ulster? + + Or could it be you felt so fain + About your imminent vacation + That the same breast could not contain + The joy of Ireland-as-a-Nation? + There wasn't room for both inside, + And so the Bill gave way to Whitsuntide? + + If that was why you would not hail + Your chance of bringing down the ceiling, + But let the holiday mood prevail, + I understand, and share your feeling; + I find my bowl of joy o'er-bubbling + Whenever Parliament has ceased from troubling. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +NEWSPAPER WAR. + +CUT-THROAT PARISH MAGAZINE COMPETITION. + +The amazing upheaval in provincial journalism consequent on the issue of +the Little Titley Parish Magazine at one penny is the sole topic of +conversation in Dampshire, to the exclusion of Ulster, Mexico, the +scarcity of meat, and even golf. Perhaps the most remarkable and +significant outcome of this momentous change is the sudden abandonment +by the Nether Wambleton Parish Magazine of its familiar claim that its +sale amounted to an average which, if tested, would show an excess of +two to one over any other church periodical in Wessex. The Nether +Wambleton Parish Magazine in its May number contented itself with +asserting that it is the largest religious monthly in North Dampshire, +also that its average sale, if tested, would show a circulation +calculated to stagger humanity. + +These assertions have led to a long and recriminatory correspondence in +the columns of _The Tittersham Observer_. The Rev. Eldred Bolster, Vicar +of Little Titley, writing in the issue of May 9th, characterises them as +grotesque and preposterous fabrications. He points out, to begin with, +that the Nether Wambleton Parish Magazine only contains eighteen pages, +of which no fewer than sixteen are provided from London and have no +reference to local matters, while the Little Titley Parish Magazine +contains twenty-four pages, of which no fewer than four are entirely +devoted to parish affairs. As regards circulation, Mr. Bolster +sarcastically observes that humanity is sometimes staggered by the +infinitely little even more than by the infinitely great, and challenges +the Vicar of Nether Wambleton to publish the net figures of the sale of +his periodical. + +The challenge was promptly taken up, and in the issue of _The Tittersham +Observer_ of May 16th the Vicar of Nether Wambleton prints the following +statement of the sales of his magazine since April, 1913. The figures +are as follows:-- + + 1913, May 54 + " June 57 + " July 51 + " August 49 + " September 52 + " October 58 + " November 59 + " December 57 + 1914, January 61 + " February 55 + " March 59 + +The statement is signed by the Rev. Auriel Potts, Vicar of Nether +Wambleton, and Andrew Jobling and Septimus Wicks, sidesmen. + +This evasive reply could not be expected to satisfy Mr. Bolster, who +returns to the charge in _The Tittersham Observer_ of the 23rd May. Side +by side with the sale figures of the Nether Wambleton Parish Magazine he +prints those of his own periodical, which for the same period never fell +below sixty and on the occasion of the Harvest Festival reached a total +of seventy-nine. With scathing emphasis he points out that the Nether +Wambleton figures cease with the month in which Little Titley came down +to one penny, since which the latter has gone up by leaps and bounds, no +fewer than eighty-four copies of the May number having already been +sold. Moreover, these are _net_ sales, while the Nether Wambleton +figures (for all he knows) represent gross circulation, including +copies gratuitously distributed at mothers' meetings, choir treats +and other gatherings. + +It might have been thought that Mr. Potts would have withdrawn from +the controversial arena after this painful exposure, but with a +persistence worthy of a better cause he rejoins in a long and irrelevant +letter in _The Tittersham Observer_ of the 30th May. He undoubtedly +scores a point in maintaining that the Nether Wambleton Parish Magazine +is the largest in Wessex on the strength of the fact that its page is +half-an-inch longer and a quarter-of-an-inch wider than that of its +rival, but in other respects his reply can hardly be considered +convincing. For instance, he lays stress on the fact that the gigantic +gooseberry grown in his parish and chronicled in his current issue was +appreciably greater in diameter than that described in the corresponding +issue of the rival publication. He also dwells on the superior artistic +quality of the programme of the Penny Reading in his parish hall as +compared with that of the Little Titley Temperance Reed Band at their +annual concert. And, finally, with ill-timed levity, he disclaims any +intention of "bolstering up" his parish magazine by crude appeals to +democratic sentiment--an allusion to the name of the Vicar of Little +Titley which has been deeply resented by the numerous admirers of that +esteemed cleric. + +The saddest feature about this painful controversy is the personal +estrangement which it has brought about between the two Vicars. Only six +months ago the Rev. Mr. Bolster presided at a meeting at which the +friends and parishioners of the Rev. Mr. Potts presented him with a +testimonial and a set of electro-plated fish-knives to commemorate the +celebration of his silver wedding. The testimonial, which was composed +by Mr. Bolster, was a document couched in terms of the most affectionate +admiration, and special reference was made to Mr. Potts's editorial +abilities and the extraordinarily high literary standard of his parish +magazine. In acknowledging the presentation Mr. Potts said that Mr. +Bolster's energy and goodwill in carrying it out had given him more +satisfaction than anything else, and when the two eminent divines were +photographed in the act of embracing on the platform there was hardly a +dry eye in the huge audience, numbering fully forty persons, who +attended the proceedings. + +Illustration: THE CIRCUS OF EUROPE. + +TURKEY (_to Europa, ring-mistress_). "INFIRM OF PURPOSE! GIVE ME BACK +THE WHIP." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Sympathetic Friend (to gloomy batsman, disgusted at +being given out for a catch at the wicket)._ "WOT'S WRONG, BILL? WAS IT +DAHTFUL?" + +_Batsman._ "DAHTFUL! I SHOULD THINK IT WAS DAHTFUL! I COULD 'ARDLY 'EAR +IT MYSELF." + + * * * * * + + THE TATTIE-BOGLE.[A] + + A farmer once, to scare the birds away, + O'er his poor seeds set up, to leer and ogle, + A raffish moon-face, stuffed with straw and hay, + A Tattie-Bogle; + + And rook and daw and stare their pinions spread + Incontinent; for, so they judged the matter, + Some scowling foe stood there, and off they fled + With startled chatter. + + A week the portent stood in sun and rain + And fluttered rags of dread. A sparrow, nathless, + Whose nestlings cried, dashed down and snatched a grain, + And got off scathless. + + Emboldened, back she flew; to such good end + The others followed, craning and alarmful, + To find the monster, if perhaps no friend, + At least unharmful. + + To-day the bogle wags, a thing of jest + And open scorn; the very pipits mock it; + A jenny wren, I'm told, has built her nest + In one torn pocket! + + Heart of my heart, and so prove aught of awe + That darkens on your path; the buckram rogue'll + Stand, when you face him, but a ghost of straw-- + A Tattie-Bogle! + +[Footnote A. Scarecrow. Scots.] + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Exasperated Subscriber (having found six different +numbers engaged)._ "WELL, WHAT NUMBERS HAVE YOU GOT?" + + * * * * * + +THE THREE-CARD TRICK. + +Although the last race on the programme had yet to be run the railway +station that adjoined the course was already packed to discomfort with +the crowd of those who had left early in order to avoid each other. When +the train that had been waiting drew alongside the platform there was a +considerable bustle; but the individual whom (from his costume and +general appearance) I will call the Complete Sportsman was nimble enough +to secure a corner seat in a compartment that was immediately filled. A +couple of quiet-looking elderly men, wearing hard hats and +field-glasses, took the corners on the far side and began to discuss +the day's events in undertones. They were followed by a stout red-faced +gentleman in a suit of pronounced check, a curate (at sight of whom the +Complete Sportsman elevated his eyebrows) and a hatchet-nosed individual +in gaiters who looked like a vet. + +As the train started, Red-face, catching the eye of the Complete +Sportsman, smiled genially. "Nice bit o' sport to-day, guv'nor," he +observed. + +The person thus addressed agreed, a little nervously. + +"And why shouldn't we keep it up?" continued the other. He gazed round +upon the company at large. "If so be as no gentleman here has any +objection to winning a bit more." + +Since no one offered any protest it appeared that no such prejudice +existed. Red-face, diving into the pocket of his check coat, produced +cards and a folding board. "Then here goes!" said he. "Who's the Lady +and Find the Woman. Half-a-quid on it every time against any gent as +chooses to back his fancy!" + +With an air of benevolent detachment he began to shuffle three of the +cards face downwards upon the board. Still no one appeared willing to +tempt fortune. The two quiet men in the far corner, after a hasty and +somewhat contemptuous glance at Red-face's proceedings, had resumed +their talk and took no further heed of him. + +The cards, fell, slid, were turned up and slid again under his nimble +lingers. "In the centre--and there she is!"--showing the queen. "Now on +the left, quite correct. Once more, this time on the ri--no, Sir, as you +say, left again. Pity for you we weren't betting on that round!" + +This was to the hatchet-nosed man who (as though involuntarily) had +pointed out an obvious defect in the manipulations. Seeming to be +encouraged by this initial success, he bent forward with sudden +interest. "Don't mind if I do have half-a-quid on it just once," he +said. + +It certainly seemed as though the Red-faced man must be actuated by +motives of philanthropy. Quite a considerable number of times did +Hatchet-nose back his fancy, and almost always with success. The result +was that perhaps ten or a dozen sovereigns were transferred to his +pockets from those of the bank. Even the curate was spurred by the sight +into taking a part--though he was only fortunate enough to find the +queen on three occasions out of five. + +It was apparently this last circumstance, and the ease with which he +himself could have pointed out the errors of the reverend gentleman, +that finally overcame the reluctance of the Complete Sportsman. He +blushed, hesitated, then began to feel in his waistcoat pocket. + +"It looks easy enough," he ventured dubiously. + +"Easy as winkin'," said the red-faced man. "At least to the gents' in +this carriage. Begin to wish I hadn't proposed it." + +However, he didn't show any signs of abandoning his amiable pursuit; not +even when the Complete Sportsman, having assiduously searched all his +pockets, produced a leather wallet and extracted thence a couple of +notes. + +"I'm afraid that I haven't got any change," he said in rather a +disappointed tone. + +"Perhaps," suggested the card-manipulator, "this gentleman could oblige +you." + +It being obvious that Hatchet-nose, the gentleman in question, was fully +able to do this out of his recent winnings, he had, of course, no excuse +for hesitation. The two five-pound notes changed hands; and the +Sportsman pocketed twenty half-sovereigns. + +Then he turned towards the cards with alacrity. The quiet couple in the +corner had not been wholly unmindful of these proceedings. The slightest +glance of amused and derisory intelligence passed between them as the +Complete Sportsman plunged into the game. + +For the first two attempts he was successful. No sooner, however, did he +settle to serious play, beaming with triumph at his good fortune, than +it unaccountably deserted him. He lost the two half-sovereigns that he +had just won, and then another and another; till in the event he found +himself no less than four-pounds-ten out of pocket. + +"I--I seem somehow to have lost the knack of it," he said, glancing +round at the company with an air almost of apology. + +Red-face was loud in his commiseration and encouragements to proceed. +"Luck's bound to turn," he protested. + +The Complete Sportsman, however, seemed to have had enough. No amount of +persuasion could induce him to tempt fortune further, though, to do him +justice, he appeared to take his rebuff in a philosophic spirit. +Desisting at length from his good-humoured attempts, the proprietor of +the cards and board replaced them in his pocket and lit a cigar. + +"Ah, well, somebody's got to lose, I suppose," he said tolerantly, +adding, as the train slackened speed, "By Jove, Vauxhall already! I get +out here. So long, all!" + +He was on the platform immediately. By a coincidence as surprising as +pleasant it appeared that Hatchet-nose and the curate were also +alighting. The three walked away together; and the Complete Sportsman +was left to share with the quiet couple a compartment in which there was +now ample room to stretch his fawn-coloured limbs. + +He did so with a sigh of relief, leaning back and smiling gently to +himself as the train glided forward upon its final stage. His recent +misfortune appeared to trouble him not at all; indeed, as Waterloo was +approached, the smile grew if anything more pronounced. He might have +been thinking about some subject that amused him greatly. + +Presently, turning towards his companions, he found the gaze of both the +quiet men fixed upon him with a look of somewhat derisive compassion. It +was apparent that the ease with which the Sportsman had been tempted +into parting with his money had excited at once their pity and their +contempt. For a time he endured this regard in uneasy silence. Then, as +the preliminary jar of the brakes heralded Waterloo, he spoke. + +"I perceive, gentlemen," said he, "that you are apparently labouring +under a delusion with regard to my part in the transactions that you +have just witnessed." + +"I was wondering," returned the first of the quiet men, "how anyone +could in these days be gulled by so transparent a set of rogues." + +"Your wonder is, as I have said, misplaced. With regard to the persons +who lately left us, the word transparent is, if anything, an +understatement. The curate, the horsey stranger and the red-faced man +were, of course, discredited before NOAH entered the Ark." + +"And yet," said the quiet man, staring, "we have this moment seen them +take good money from you!" + +"That," answered the Complete Sportsman as he prepared to alight, "is +precisely where you make your mistake. The notes for which you saw me +obtain change from one of the confederates, and of which change I lost +less than half, were themselves----" + +He paused, startled by the alteration that had taken place in the +demeanour of the quiet men, who had risen simultaneously. The train had +now stopped, and, glancing hastily over his shoulder, he saw that +Red-face and his companions, who must have continued their journey in +another compartment, were now surrounding the door. + +For the first time the smile of the Complete Sportsman betrayed +uneasiness. "What--what does this mean?" he demanded. + +"Merely," said the first of the quiet men blandly, "that your game is +up. You uttered at least twenty of those notes on the course to-day, and +we were bound to have you. My name is Inspector Pilling, of Scotland +Yard, and these gentlemen are my colleagues. We are five to one, so I +suggest that you come quietly." + +To the curate he added, as they entered a waiting taxi, "You were quite +right, George; the chance of that little score was a soft thing." + +The comments of the Complete Sportsman are best omitted. We are not the +author of _Pygmalion_. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Mistress._ "WHY, MARY, ISN'T THIS YOUR SUNDAY +AFTERNOON OUT? AREN'T YOU GOING FOR A WALK THIS LOVELY DAY?" + +_Mary._ "PLEASE, 'M, I'D RATHER STAY IN. YOU SEE, MOST OF THE PEOPLE OUT +ON A SUNDAY IS COUPLES, AND I DON'T LIKE TO BE CONSPICUOUS." + + * * * * * + +From the Great North of Scotland Railway's advertisement in _The +Aberdeen Daily Journal_:-- + + "A train will leave Aberdeen at 7.30 p.m. for Aberdeen." + +Thus enabling the cautious Aberdonian to improve his mind by travel at a +minimum of expense. + + * * * * * + +THE COMPLETE DRAMATIST. + +_Introductory._ + +I take it that every able-bodied man and woman in this country wants to +write a play. Since the news first got about that Orlando +What's-his-name made L50,000 out of _The Crimson Sponge_, there has been +a feeling that only through the medium of the stage can literary art +find its true expression. The successful playwright is indeed a man to +be envied. Leaving aside for the moment the question of super-tax, the +prizes which fall to his lot are worth striving for. He sees his name +(correctly spelt) on 'buses which go to such different spots as +Hammersmith and West Norwood, and his name (spelt incorrectly) beneath +the photograph of somebody else in _The Illustrated Butler_. He is a +welcome figure at the garden-parties of the elect, who are always ready +to encourage him by accepting free seats for his play; actor-managers +nod to him; editors allow him to contribute without charge to a +symposium on the price of golf balls. In short he becomes a "prominent +figure in London Society"--and, if he is not careful, somebody will say +so. + +But even the unsuccessful dramatist has his moments. I knew a young man +who married somebody else's mother, and was allowed by her fourteen +gardeners to amuse himself sometimes by rolling the tennis-court. It was +an unsatisfying life; and when rash acquaintances asked him what he did +he used to say that he was reading for the Bar. Now he says he is +writing a play--and we look round the spacious lawns and terraces and +marvel at the run his last one must have had. + +However, I assume that you who read this are actually in need of the +dibs. Your play must be not merely a good play but a successful one. How +shall this success be achieved? + +Frankly I cannot always say. If you came to me and said, "I am on the +Stock Exchange, and bulls are going down," or up, or sideways, or +whatever it might be; "there's no money to be made in the City nowadays, +and I want to write a play instead. How shall I do it?"--well, I +couldn't help you. But suppose you said, "I'm fond of writing; my people +always say my letters home are good enough for _Punch_. I've got a +little idea for a play about a man and a woman and another woman, +and--but perhaps I'd better keep the plot a secret for the moment. +Anyhow it's jolly exciting, and I can do the dialogue all right. The +only thing is, I don't know anything about technique and stage-craft and +the three unities and that sort of rot. Can you give me a few hints?" +Suppose you spoke to me like this, then I could do something for you. +"My dear Sir," I should reply (or Madam), "you have come to the right +shop. Lend me your ear for a few weeks, and you shall learn just what +stage-craft is." And I should begin with a short homily on + +I.--SOLILOQUY. + +If you ever read your _Shakspeare_--and no dramatist should despise the +works of another dramatist; he may always pick up something in them +which may be useful for his next play--if you ever read your +_Shakspeare_, it is possible that you have come across this passage:-- + +"_Enter_ Hamlet. + +_Ham._ To be, or not to be----" + +And so on in the same vein for some thirty lines. + +These few remarks are called a soliloquy, being addressed rather to the +world in general than to any particular person on the stage. Now the +object of this soliloquy is plain. The dramatist wished us to know the +thoughts which were passing through _Hamlet's_ mind, and it was the only +way he could think of in which to do it. Of course a really good actor +can often give a clue to the feelings of a character simply by facial +expression. There are ways of shifting the eyebrows, distending the +nostrils, and exploring the lower molars with the tongue by which it is +possible to denote respectively Surprise, Defiance and Doubt. Indeed, +irresolution being the keynote of _Hamlet's_ soliloquy, a clever player +could to some extent indicate the whole thirty lines by a silent working +of the jaw. But at the same time it would be idle to deny that he would +miss the finer shades of the poet's meaning. "The insolence of office, +and the spurns"--to take only one line--would tax the most elastic face. + +So the soliloquy came into being. We moderns, however, see the absurdity +of it. In real life no one thinks aloud or in an empty room. The +up-to-date dramatist must at all costs avoid this hall-mark of the +old-fashioned play. + +What, then, is to be done? If it be granted, first, that the thoughts of +a certain character should be known to the audience, and, secondly, that +soliloquy, or the habit of thinking aloud, is in opposition to modern +stage technique, how shall a soliloquy be avoided without damage to the +play? + +Well, there are more ways than one; and now we come to what is meant by +stage-craft. Stage-craft is the art of getting over these difficulties, +and (if possible) getting over them in a showy manner, so that people +will say, "How remarkable his stage-craft is for so young a writer," +when otherwise they mightn't have noticed it at all. Thus, in this play +we have been talking about, an easy way of avoiding _Hamlet's_ soliloquy +would be for _Ophelia_ to speak first. + +_Oph._ What are you thinking about, my lord? + +_Ham._ I am wondering whether to be or not to be, whether 'tis nobler in +the mind to suffer---- + +And so on, till you get to the end, when _Ophelia_ might say, "Ah, yes," +or something non-committal of that sort. This would be an easy way of +doing it, but it would not be the best way, for the reason that it is +too easy to call attention to itself. What you want is to make it clear +that you are conveying _Hamlet's_ thoughts to the audience in rather a +clever manner. + +That this can now be done we have to thank the well-known inventor of +the telephone. (I forget his name.) The telephone has revolutionised the +stage; with its aid you can convey anything you like across the +footlights. In the old badly-made play it was frequently necessary for +one of the characters to take the audience into his confidence. "Having +disposed of my uncle's body," he would say to the stout lady in the +third row of the stalls, "I now have leisure in which to search for the +will. But first to lock the door lest I should be interrupted by Harold +Wotnott." In the modern well-constructed play he simply rings up an +imaginary confederate and tells him what he is going to do. Could +anything be more natural? + +Let us, to give an example of how this method works, go back again to +the play we have been discussing. + +_Enter_ Hamlet. _He walks quickly across the room to the telephone, and +takes up the receiver impatiently._ + +_Ham._ Hallo! Hallo! I want double-nine--hal-_lo_! I want double-nine +two--hal-_lo_! Double-nine two three, Elsinore ... Double-_nine_, yes +... Hallo, is that you, Horatio? Hamlet speaking. Er--to be or not to +be, that is the question; whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the +slings and arrows---- What? No, _Hamlet_ speaking. _What?_ Aren't you +Horatio? I want double-nine two three----sorry.... Is that you, +exchange? You gave me double-_five_, I want double-_nine_ ... Hallo, +is that you, Horatio? Hamlet speaking. To be or not to be, that is +the---- What? No, I said, To _be_ or _not_ to be ... No, '_be_'--b-e. +Yes, that's right. To be or not to be, that is the question; whether +'tis nobler---- + +And so on. You see how effective it is. + +But there is still another way of avoiding the soliloquy, which is +sometimes used with good results. It is to let _Hamlet_, if that happens +to be the name of your character, enter with a small dog, pet falcon, +mongoose, tame bear or whatever animal is most in keeping with the part, +and confide in this animal such sorrows, hopes or secret history as the +audience has got to know. This has the additional advantage of putting +the audience immediately in sympathy with your hero. "How _sweet_ of +him," all the ladies say, "to tell his little bantam about it!" + +If you are not yet tired (as I am) of the _Prince of Denmark_, I will +explain (for the last time) how a modern author might re-write his +speech. + +_Enter_ Hamlet _with his favourite boar-hound._ + +_Ham. (to B.-H.)_ To be or not to be--ah, Fido, Fido! That is the +question--eh, old Fido, boy? Whether 'tis nobler in--how now, a rat! +Rats, Fido, _fetch_ 'em--in the mind to suffer The slings and--_down_, +Sir!--arrows--put it down! Arrows of--_drop_ it, Fido; good old dog---- + +And so on. Which strikes me as rather sweet and natural. + +A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +"SOCIETY" NEWS. + +The S.P.C.L.A. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Labour +Agitators) has mooted a novel and, we consider, very far-seeing scheme. +It is recognised now that a time must come when no State will be able to +ship its undesirables to another country, for the simple reason that the +available dumping grounds will gradually be exhausted or refuse to be +dumping grounds any longer. That is where the S.P.C.L.A. comes in with +its proposal, which is to charter or, if necessary, build a 50,000 ton +liner as an ocean hotel for the unfortunate exiles. This leviathan will +be coaled by lighters outside the three-miles limit and will ride the +high seas for ever and a day. In the event of internal disturbances (in +the hotel itself) another maritime hostelry will be chartered, +until--who knows--someday we may witness the almost unthinkable anomaly +of a Labour Fleet. + +The kindly action of the N.L.E.S.R.O. (Navvies' League for the +Encouragement of Spectators at Roadmending Operations) in providing deck +chairs upon the pavement at a penny an hour is universally appreciated, +and it is now no uncommon thing to see a navvy taking a holiday and +egging on his sturdy comrades to greater efforts from a seat marked +"Deadhead." + +The S.P.S.K.K. (Society for the Promotion of Steam-heating in Kaffir +Kraals) displayed a regrettable lack of judgment in choosing Christmas +Day for the laying of its foundation pipe, Christmas being the South +African midsummer. + +The D.M.S.P.T.O.H. (Dyspeptic Millionaires' Society for the Promotion of +Their Own Happiness) is in urgent need of funds. + +At the unveiling of the statue to its founder by the S.I.D.R.I. (Society +for Insisting on the Divine Right of Iconoclasts) it is understood that +several conversions were effected through the conduct of a band of +youthful enthusiasts who, faithful to their principles and unable to +restrain their zeal for the cause, rushed at the newly-revealed +masterpiece and smashed it to atoms. + +The S.F.S. (Society for the Formation of Societies) and the S.F.S.F.S. +(Society for the Formation of Societies for the Formation of Societies) +are both doing splendid work. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Petty Officer of Patrol._ "HELLO, YOU. WHAT'S YOUR +SHIP?" + +_Sailor (returning from revelry)._ "'OW LONG 'AVE YOU BEEN BLIND? IT'S +WROTE PLAIN ENOUGH ON MY CAP, AIN'T IT?" + + * * * * * + +THE BROKERS. + + From a poster:-- + + "NEW KING'S CAPITAL INVESTED BY REBELS." + +In something safe, we hope. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. + +Notice in a gramophone shop window:-- + + "JUST SUITABLE FOR THE RIVER." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _New Proprietor of Public-house (that levies a fine +for every swear-word_). "'ERE, BILL, THAT'S A PENNY YOU OWE TO THE +PARSON'S SWEAR-BOX." + +_Bill._ "I'D BETTER DO WHAT I DONE AFORE--PUT A 'ARF-CROWN IN AND 'AVE A +SEASON-TICKET." + + * * * * * + +THE SMILE OF THE SEA-KINGS. + +(_A reflection on the recent Amateur Golf Championship at Sandwich +suggested by a study of the illustrated papers._) + + They swung with the accurate grace of the clockwork at Greenwich; + Their brassies unswervingly held to the line of the pegs; + Their chip-shots came down on the greens and mistook them for spinach, + And stopped like poached eggs; + Not theirs the desire for the sandpit, not theirs the inadequate legs. + + Or if over they failed to lie moribund, dauntless the heroes + Stooped down to impossible putts for a half or a win, + Stooped down in voluminous knickers and all sorts of queer hose + And stuffed the ball in, + Like American packers of pig-meat, hard home to the floor of the tin. + + These things I admired; but I wondered still more when the mighty, + The mystical thumpers of pills by the marge of the spray, + Having somehow offended Poseidon or else Aphrodite, + Got chucked from the fray, + Passed forth till they left Mr. JENKINS sole lord of the hazardous + bay. + + When the ultimate putt was holed out in each notable duel + How grandly they took it, remarking "I think (or I guess) + That the right man has conquered," not shouting that Fortune was cruel, + Not murmuring, "Bless!" + What a glory illumined their features when snapped by the popular + Press! + + Full glad is the face of the earth when the vineyards are laden; + Loud laughs with innumerous laughter in wreath upon wreath + The ocean at Blackpool or Margate; most blithely the maiden + Unfastens the sheath + Of her mouth like the bloom of a musk rose, when Fangol has furbished + her teeth; + + So fair was the smile of the sea-kings; so sweet was the look on + The faces of HEZLET and OUIMET and most of their peers + When they passed from the contest, a smile with a sort of a hook on, + Unclouded with tears; + It went slap through their cheeks down the fair-way and bunkered + itself by their ears. + + And if e'er in the future, cast down from the promise of Heaven, + Half-stymied by William, I grumble and groan at my fate + When he captures the hole (and the game) with a pretty bad 7, + Whilst my score is 8, + And I bubble with impotent anger, I seethe with tumultuous hate. + + Let me think of my album of photos, whose title is "After," + All cut from the dailies; it gives you most wonderful tips + For producing without any pressure the right kind of laughter; + It gives you the grips + And the stance of the teeth of the _plus_ men, and how to get length + from the lips. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "Hobbs lbw b Bold c Pearson."--_Scotsman._ + +PEARSON ought really to be told that you cannot catch a man off his +pads. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A HOLIDAY TASK. + +PRIME AND WAR MINISTER. "AFRAID I'VE LET YOU IN FOR RATHER AN AWKWARD +JOB WITH THIS AMENDING BILL." + +LORD CREWE. "MY DEAR FELLOW, YOU'RE SO VERSATILE--WHY NOT SPEND THE REST +OF THE RECESS MAKING YOURSELF A BARON OR A BISHOP? THEN YOU COULD TAKE +IT ON INSTEAD OF ME." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 25._--"Let the curtain ring down, Mr. +SPEAKER, and the sooner the better. It is a farce, and I think a +contemptible farce." + +Thus BONNER LAW--the farce being the Third Reading of the Home Rule +Bill. + +The curtain had risen on a thronged and excited House. Were it the +custom at the T. R. Westminster to put out notice-boards one might have +borne the legend dear to the heart of the manager, "Standing room Only." +Even late-comers among the peers were fain to stand by the doorway +opening on the Gallery, where earlier birds had found twigs on which to +sit. Overflow of Commoners into the side galleries gave the last touch +to stirring scene presented but twice or thrice in history of a Session. + +Ordered business of sitting was the stage of the measure alluded to in +phrase quoted from LEADER OF OPPOSITION. But, as was testified anew last +Thursday, business in House of Commons does not always run through +expected courses. In strained temper of the hour anything might happen, +even a bout of fisticuffs. What actually did happen was that within +space of hour and a-half from SPEAKER'S taking the Chair, a period +including the ordinary Question-hour, Home Rule Bill was read a third +time and carried over to House of Lords through cheering crowd waiting +in Central Lobby. + +SPEAKER introduced soothing note by frank confession that, when on +Thursday he invited LEADER OF OPPOSITION to state whether he approved +the outburst of disorder among his followers which prevented their +authorised spokesman being heard, he "was betrayed into an expression he +ought not to have used." BONNER LAW "gratefully accepted the +explanation," and eloquently extolled the character of the SPEAKER. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Conjurer._ "Ladies and gentlemen, I will now place +this scroll in the hat, and in a few weeks I shall show you +something--er--something which will surprise you." + +_A Voice._ "You've got it up your sleeve." + +_Conjurer._ "On the contrary, gentlemen." (_Aside_) "Wish to Heaven I +had!" + + * * * * * + +SPEAKER invited PREMIER to yield to insistent demand of Opposition and +give further particulars with regard to the Amending Bill. The PREMIER, +always ready to oblige, responded in a few luminous, courteous +sentences, which did not add a syllable of information beyond what had +been reiterated in previous references to subject. It was then that +BONNER LAW, with rare dramatic gesture, gave the command, "Ring down the +curtain!" "It is the end of the Act, but not of the play," he added amid +loud cheers from host behind him, reinforced this afternoon by arrival of +recruits from North-East Derbyshire and Ipswich. "The final Act in the +drama will be played not in the House of Commons, but in the country, +and there, Sir, it will not be a farce." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE HOME RULE BABY. + +"If the Bill becomes an Act it will be born with a rope round its +neck."--_Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN._ + + * * * * * + +PRIME MINISTER, amid constant interruption from benches opposite, made +short reply. Curtain about to fall as directed when WILLIAM O'BRIEN +hurried to front of stage. Reasonably expected that, having through +forty years made strenuous fight for Home Rule, he was now about to sing +a paean suitable to eve of final victory. On the contrary what he wished +to remark, and like the Heathen Chinee his language was plain, was that, +"If the Bill becomes an Act it will be born with a rope round its neck." + +Home Rule for Ireland all very well. But not Home Rule _cum_ JOHN +REDMOND and _sine_ WILLIAM O'BRIEN. + +House listened with impatience to this tirade, calling again and again +for the division. When it was taken it appeared that 351 voted for Third +Reading and 274 against, a majority of 77. Redmondites leaped to their +feet and wildly cheered. Ministerialists did not respond to enthusiastic +outburst. They were dumbly glad that a measure wrangled over for three +sessions was out of the way at last, leaving behind, it is true, the +shadow of an Amending Bill. + +_Business done._--Both Houses adjourn for Whitsun recess. Commons resume +9th of June; Lords six days later. + + * * * * * + +From an advertising tailor's guarantee:-- + + "If the smallest hole appears after six months' wear, we will make + another absolutely free." + +It is a very kind offer, but we would always rather find somebody who +would mend the first hole. + + * * * * * + + "It is an interesting fact that Mr. Gidney (Marlborough) went round the + course in, approximately, 97, which is, we understand, a record for the + Hungerford course, the bogey for which is 82." + +_Marlborough Times._ + +Somebody must have done it in more than this. Personally we are always +good for a century. + + * * * * * + +THE MOUSE OF MYDRA. + +When Mr. Walford Sploshington bought Hydra House we all hoped that +beyond papering and painting, dabbing on a bit of plaster where it was +needed, and grubbing the groundsel in the drive, he would allow it to +remain in the state of old-world picturesqueness in which he had found +it. We would not have objected even if he had decided on having water +laid on; although this would be getting dangerously near our limit, as +there was a dear old draw-well in the garden and one in the ripping old +courtyard. We were justly proud of the fact of Hydra House being the +finest and purest example of Tudor architecture in our corner of +England. When I say "we" I mean the Weatherspoons, the Malcomson-Pagets, +Gaddingham, and one or two others, and myself. It was as near to being a +mansion as it is reasonable to expect a house to be without its being +actually a mansion; and there was a romance in its very name that +compelled our reverence. The first owner--the ancestor in a direct line +of the gentleman who, because of the increased cost of petrol combined +with the Undeveloped Land Tax, was obliged to sell it to Mr. Walford +Sploshington, the highest bidder--was one of those fine fellows who in +the spacious days of ELIZABETH did so much towards making England what +she is to-day, or rather what she was until the General Election of +1906. On one of his voyages of adventure he visited the Hydra Islands, +in the Gulf of AEgina, where he became enamoured of the daughter of a +vineyard proprietor. As she heartily reciprocated his affection, he +married her, and, bringing her home to England, installed her as +mistress of a brand-new home presented to him by a grateful Queen and +country. Given a similar set of circumstances, ninety-nine out of any +hundred newly-married men would have done as he did, and called it Hydra +House. + +But Mr. Walford Sploshington disappointed us. He did more: he grieved +us; he insulted our instincts, sentimental and artistic, and he offended +our eyes. He filled in the dear old wells. He mutilated the Tudor garden +out of all semblance of a Tudor garden. He enlarged the windows and made +bays of them. He painted a vivid green all the exposed timbering that is +the characteristic feature of Tudor houses. In short, he did everything +to outrage the decencies. He even carried his vandalisms out to the old +gateway. There he erected two Corinthian columns, and spanned them with +the roof of a pagoda. It was a surprise to us that he retained the +ancient name of Hydra House. We had expected, even hoped, that he would +change it to something ornate and vulgar, and so leave nothing to remind +us of the old place of which we had all been so fond and proud. But one +sunny morning a sign-painter began work on the Corinthian columns. +Gaddingham and I did not, of course, stand to watch him; but, having +occasion to pass the pagoda during the afternoon, I happened upon +Sploshington himself, standing in the middle of the road, poising his +head this way and that, and quite obviously lost in admiration of ten +six-inch gilt letters, five on each column. + +The five on the left-hand column made up the mystery word "Mydra." Those +on the right constituted "Mouse." Of course, I got it right almost the +moment I had passed. What I had taken to be an "M" in each word was +merely a highly-ornamental "H" with its horizontal bar sagging in the +centre with the weight of its grandeur. There had never been a name on +the gate in the whole history of Hydra House, but we agreed that +Sploshington felt that after all his vandalism no one would recognise +the place unless he labelled it, and, of course, he was unequal to +providing a plain, unassuming label. + +Then Gaddingham and I took counsel together, and we decided that I +should write a nice letter to Sploshington. This is what I wrote:-- + +DEAR SIR,--I trust you will pardon the liberty I am taking in writing to +you, but a friend of mine and I have made a small bet on a question +which, as it happens, no one but you is in a position to decide. Passing +your gate the other day, we were both struck by the beauty of the gilt +stencilling on the column on either side, more especially by the chaste +idea followed out in the ornamentation of the initial letters--the +"H's." They are, as I am convinced you are aware, suggestive of the +letter "M," and this it is that has led to the little difference between +my friend and myself. I hold the opinion that this suggestion is +intentional, and that in giving your instructions to the decorator's +artist you had in mind the celebrated Mouse of Mydra. My friend, whose +strong point, I regret to say, is not history, confessed, ignorance of +this famous animal, and I had to enlighten him there and then by telling +him how the sagacious little creature saved the life of the King of +Mydra by nibbling at his ear while he slept one night, all unconscious +of an outbreak of fire in the palace, thereby rousing him in time to +enable him to make his escape. And how, in gratitude, the King decreed +that every family in his realm should on every 1st of April--the date of +the fire--receive three barley loaves, a Dutch cheese, and a stoop of +ale; and every child be given a pink sugar-mouse. My friend, however, +holds to the opinion that the resemblance of the "H" to an "M" is merely +accidental. As we have both backed our fancy, as the saying is, to the +extent of five shillings, we shall be grateful if you will settle the +little dispute for us. + +Yours faithfully, + +F. MELRUSH. + +We had no fear that Sploshington would know that Mydra and its king and +its mouse were as apocryphal as _Mrs. Harris_; but his reply exceeded +our wildest expectations. This is it:-- + +DEAR SIR,--I am obliged by your letter, and am pleased to inform you +that you have won your bet. The resemblance of the "H" to an "M" is not +accidental, as I had the incident of the Mydra Mouse in my mind when +giving my directions to the artist. It may perhaps be of further +interest to you to know that on every 1st of April it is my intention to +present every working-class family in this parish with three four-pound +loaves, a Dutch cheese, and a gallon of six ale; and every child with a +pink sugar-mouse. + +Faithfully yours, + +WALFORD SPLOSHINGTON. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: TO BRIGHTEN UP THE ROYAL ACADEMY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Little Girl (in disgrace, to Mother as she enters +nursery.)_ "DO YOU LOVE ME, MUMMY?" + +_Mother._ "YES, DARLING." + +_Little Girl._ "DO YOU LOVE ME _VERY_ MUCH?" + +_Mother._ "OF COURSE, DARLING." + +_Little Girl._ "WELL, I'VE FROWN MY PUDDEN UNDER THE TABLE." + + * * * * * + +NOT A LINE. + + DEAR SIR, I shall not write a line to-day, + Though many subjects merit my attention. + To take one instance only, there is May + (The month) at present in her last declension. + Lord, what a dance she leads us on her May-toes, + And spoils the beans and ruins the potatoes. + + The gloomy gardener stands and counts the cost, + His once proud thoughts to sheer depression turning. + Darkly he marks the intempestive frost, + Though the laburnum still keeps on laburning, + And though the rose renews her ancient story + And bursts her bonds and blazes in her glory. + + No, Sir, I shall not write a single line, + Not though the Tories storm with angry lips which + Salute the serried ranks of the combine + With shouts of "'journ, 'journ, 'journ" or howls for Ipswich. + These do not stir me, and I see, unheeding, + The Home Rule Bill receive its hundredth reading. + + As for my dogs, at any other time-- + One is a massive hound and three are particles-- + They might provoke a stave or two of rhyme, + Or shine in prose and be described in articles. + But, if I owned the swift melodious Meynell, + To-day I would not write about my kennel. + + The woes of butlers and the ways of cooks, + The contumely of wives, the scorn of daughters; + Golf, too, and tennis, or reviews of books; + Breezes and bees and trees and rippling waters, + All these are writable, but I, Sir, shun them-- + Take thirty lines: I've been and gone and done them! + + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +ALL SQUARE. + +"A BANKER'S business," the cashier explained, "is to borrow money from +one customer and lend it to another." + +I smiled an innocent smile. + +"To me, for instance," I suggested. + +"No, not to you. The general state of your account does not warrant an +overdraft." + +I bowed respectfully and promised to be careful. + +As a matter of fact it has been extremely difficult. They keep a little +book which tells them exactly how much I have got left. At the end of +last year it was 2_s._6_d._ Until the beginning of this month I let it +stand at that; then I grew restive and ordered a new cheque-book. The +cashier's eyes glistened as he handed it over. "Thirty, I suppose," he +said sarcastically. I thanked him and withdrew. Half-a-crown aside; +balance nothing. + +Yesterday I went in and wrote out a cheque. Meanwhile the cashier +disappeared into the back regions. Perhaps he went to make sure how I +stood, but I am certain he knew all the time. On his return the cheque +was ready. + +"I'm just off for a tour round the world," I said. "You might take care +of this till I come back," and I handed him the cheque-book. Then I drew +out two shillings and fivepence. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INFORMATION BUREAU. + +TO-DAY'S PROBLEMS AND THE REPLIES TO THEM. + +THE COST OF ENNOBLEMENT.--A LOVER OF ART.--A VERY NATURAL INQUIRY.--THE +OAKS.--A REMARKABLE OLD MASTER.--A DELICATE TRIAL OF TACT.--OLD +BOOKS.--MR. KIPLING. + +THE COST OF ENNOBLEMENT. + + _Can you tell me what I should have to pay to become a marquis? My + wife has a great desire to be a marchioness before she dies. Is + there the title of marchioness in any other country besides England? + I mean, do you think I could get it done in, say, Turkey or some + place in need of money? Not America, I suppose? Anything you can + tell me about it will be useful and will earn our gratitude.--H. F. + G. (Bedford Park)._ + +The market price of a marquisate at this moment is L150,000. A few +questions are asked. It is not usual to make a commoner a marquis at one +step. There are no Turkish marquisates, nor any yet in Albania, but as +one never knows what that country may bring forth perhaps it would be +wise to wait a little. America confers no titles of such importance as +marquis, but a dental degree is not difficult to obtain at, say, +Milwaukee. Tammany has its bosses, but that title carries with it no +distinction for the wife. + +A LOVER OF ART. + + _Can you tell me where the best choppers are to be obtained and what + are the most valuable pictures in the Tate Gallery?--F. W. M. + (Chelsea)._ + +There are excellent chopper shops near Smithfield. Opinions differ as to +the best pictures in the Tate Gallery, individual taste being a powerful +factor in the making of a choice. + +A VERY NATURAL ENQUIRY. + + _Can you tell me where I can procure a book which instructs one how to + write a successful revue? I have quite a lot of spare time just now and + wish to add to my income.--K. M. (Homerton)._ + +We do not know that one has yet been published, but doubtless many are +in preparation. We advise you to write to the Revue King, Mr. MAX +PEMBERTON, who is always delighted to answer letters and is the soul of +courtesy; or to Mr. ALFRED BUTT, who has plenty of time on his hands. + +THE OAKS. + + _Will you kindly give me some facts about the race called the Oaks? It + is to settle a bet. I have always understood that the Oaks is a race + run two days after the Derby as a kind of consolation for those horses + which were unplaced in the Derby; but a friend says that he believes + I am mistaken and that the Oaks is for three-year-old fillies.--M. S. + (Hartlepool)._ + +Your friend, I am told, is right. You must have been confusing oaks with +acorns. + +A REMARKABLE OLD MASTER. + + _I have a picture which my friends tell me is either by LEONARDO DA + VINCI or REMBRANDT. May I send it to you for your opinion, and if so, + what guarantee have I that I shall see it again?--W. F. G. (Woolwich)._ + +From your description of your picture we imagine it to be one of those +on which these two clever artists collaborated. It would, however, be +wiser to take it to one of the experts than to bring it to a noisy and +restless newspaper office. We recommend either Sir SIDNEY COLVIN, Sir +CHARLES HOLROYD or Sir CLAUDE PHILLIPS. As a precaution against the +negligible risk mentioned in the second part of your query we advise +you, when submitting the picture to these gentlemen, to have it chained +to your body. + +A DELICATE TRIAL OF TACT. + + _The other day I had lunch with an uncle with whom I wish to be on the + best of terms. I should say that he fancies himself as a judge of wine. + We went to a restaurant and he ordered champagne, which came, already + opened, in an ice-basket. When the wine was poured out he tasted it, + smacked his lips and said, "That's perfect! What a bouquet! What an + aroma!" I sipped and found it most vilely corked. I also noticed that + the waiter was grinning, and I then realized that he knew it too, and + that we had been given a bottle which someone else had rejected. What + was I to do? If I told my uncle that the wine was corked he would be + furious to have been detected in an error of judgment. If I did not + drink it he would be furious too. If I did drink it I should be sick, + and I should also be a fool in the eyes of the waiter. If nothing was + said the restaurant people would profit by their low trick. Meanwhile + uncle was sipping and beaming.--P. E. L. (Norbiton)._ + +Your problem is a very interesting one and we should find it easier to +answer if you had told us what you actually did. To rise suddenly, +apparently for the purpose of flinging your arms round your uncle's neck +in a spasm of affection, and at the same time to sweep from the table +the bottle and both glasses seems to us the course which possesses most +elements of tact. The circumstance that you were inspired by admiration +and love would mitigate your uncle's wrath, and a new and sound bottle +could quickly be obtained. We admit that the restaurant would remain +unpunished; but then that is a restaurant's _metier_. + +OLD BOOKS. + + _I have recently turned up in a loft the following books: "Complete + Farrier," LAW'S "Serious Call," "Robinson Crusoe," WESLEY'S "Hymns," + "The Shipwreck," by FALCONER, two odd volumes of "The Spectator," and + PRENDERGAST'S "Sermons." All are very old, dirty and worm-eaten, and I + feel sure must therefore be very valuable. Can you say what I am likely + to get for them from a good dealer?--E. G. (Croydon)._ + +Fourpence for the lot. + +MR. KIPLING. + + _Kindly tell me if the Mr. KIPLING who has been making such a splendid + speech about the Cabinet and their mercenariness and the treacherous + nature of the Irish is the same Mr. KIPLING who wrote "The Recessional" + and "Without Benefit of Clergy"? Some one here says that he is, but I + doubt it.--A. L. D. (Swindon)._ + +We are making enquiries. + + * * * * * + +HULLO, BEDROOM SCENE! + +When Elizabeth presented me with my first safety razor we were both +extremely hopeful about the future. She, fresh from the influence of a +chemist's assistant, was convinced that breakfast would receive my +attentions at more nearly its official hour; while I, reading folded +eulogies that had nestled mid the dismembered parts of the razor itself, +was looking forward to quite ten minutes extra in bed each morning. + +Incidentally we were both disappointed. + +For some time everything went well. And then the disused razor blades +began to collect! + +Now, one of the duties of our seventh housemaid (the seventh this year) +was to light gas and things in the bedrooms when it became dark. And one +evening, when she was groping about with her hands and snatching at +things on the dressing-table in the hope of finding matches, she +clutched a group of discarded razor-blades by mistake, strewed them and +her blood over Elizabeth's best blue carpet, and gave notice the next +morning. + +"_Now_, what is to be done?" said Elizabeth next day as she sat on the +floor and massaged the blue Axminster. "No housemaid, and a bedroom +carpet disguised as a third-rate murder clue." + +"Either get a red carpet, or apply for your next housemaid to a Society +for Destitute Aristocrats, blue blood guaranteed," I suggested. + +Elizabeth left off massaging and gazed searchingly at the murder clue. + +"All because you didn't throw away those wretched razor blades," she +said. "Hughie, I hate you! Throw them away at once!" + +"Unhate me first," I stipulated. + +Elizabeth unhated me, ruffling my newly-made hair in the process. + +It took but two strides to reach the dressing-table; it was the work of +hardly one minute to collect that ever-growing herd of assertive "has +beens," and then ... I began to wonder where I was going to throw them. + +Where did one generally throw away things? Out of the window? + +I turned my head away in horror. Who was I that I should shower razor +blades on that passing archdeacon? + +The waste-paper basket? + +My housemaid's life was too valuable. + +The dust-bin? + +But there again the dustman might delve; the Employers' Liability Act is +a tricky business and I am only insured against my own death--which +always seems to me silly. + +"Look here," I said, "it's not so easy to throw these things away as you +appear to think. Where am I to throw them?" + +Elizabeth opened her mouth to suggest places. Then she shut it again +without speaking and became thoughtful. + +"Yes," she admitted at length, "it is a little difficult. One can't even +bury them in the garden in case they should damage the potatoes." + +"There," I cried triumphantly--"they've floored you too!" + +Elizabeth gathered together her pails and sponges and held out a hand to +be helped up. + +"Not at all," she said. "All you've got to do is to put them in a +cardboard box and make them into a nice parcel, and I'll write a label." + +"Now," she said, when she had finished attaching it, "let's take the +dogs for a walk, just to the end of the road. This parcel contains +things that are dangerous to the public welfare, doesn't it? Very well, +then, I shall make sure that it's taken into safe custody by the nearest +policeman." + +"Look here, Elizabeth," I said firmly, "I'll have nothing to do with +your silly ass tricks. If we draw blood from the police----" + +"Oh, that'll be all right," she remarked cheerfully as we reached the +end of the road. "We shan't wait to explain. Quick! There _is_ a +policeman coming! Here's the parcel. Put it down just at the bottom of +the letter-box." + +As I stooped with it, "He won't get hurt," said Elizabeth. "He'll open +it too gingerly to cut himself. He'll think it's a bomb." + +"Why?" said I. + +And then first I saw the writing on the label. It said, VOTES FOR WOMEN. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "OLE BILL YONDER'S GOT A JOB. THINKS HE'S GOIN' TO SET +THE THAMES ON FIRE." + +"NOT 'IM; 'E TAKES 'ARF A BOX O' MATCHES TO LIGHT A WOODBINE." + + * * * * * + + "IPSWICH + ELECTION + RESULT. + + WORDS AND MUSIC OF + 'DON'T YOU MIND IT, HONEY.'" + + _"Reynolds" poster._ + +This has cheered Mr. MASTERMAN up a good deal. + + * * * * * + + "He left to his eldest son to devolve as an heirloom his picture by + Velasquez of a girl with a bird on her finger and a boy and a basket of + limes and L500 to the Foundling Hospital."--_Times._ + +No doubt the Hospital will be grateful for its three legacies. + + * * * * * + +A GREAT OCCASION. + +As was anticipated by the promoters of the tercentenary celebration of +the discovery of Logarithms, to be held next July, the application for +tickets has been overwhelming. The Albert Hall, Olympia, and the White +City, each of which in turn was selected for the place of meeting, have +been successively abandoned as inadequate, and it has now been decided +to roof in the whole of Hyde Park. Even with the huge amount of +accommodation thus available it is feared that many millions will have +to be turned away. + +Excursion trains will be run from all parts, and the advanced bookings +are already said to have eclipsed the record for the Cup Final. + +The whole period of the celebration will be regarded as a public +holiday, and the Stock Exchange will be closed. + +Some idea of the entertaining character of the festival will be gathered +from the following abstracts from the preliminary programme, a copy of +which we have had the privilege of inspecting. + +The ceremony will open to the strains of Sir EDWIN ELGAR'S _Logarithmic +Symphony_, composed specially for the occasion. + +Among the papers to be read in the course of the proceedings we note: + + "State-aided Logarithms," by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. + + "SHAKSPEARE'S indebtedness to the Logarithm," by Sir SIDNEY LEE. + + "The Logarithm in relation to Federal Home Rule," by Mr. F. S. OLIVER. + + "My Favourite Logarithm," by Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR. + + "Logs I have Rolled," by Mr. C. K. SHORTER. + + "The Logarithm at the Olympic Games," by Mr. THEODORE ANDREA COOK. + + "The Logarithm in the Home," by Mr. GORDON SELFRIDGE. + + "The Logarithm in the Nursery," by "Aunt Louisa" (of _Tips for Tots_). + + "Logs and the Higher Criticism," by Sir Oliver Log. + + "Logarithms and the Hire System," by Lord Catesby of Droll. + + "The Paradox of Logarithms," by Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON. + + "Logarithms and the Animal World," by the Editor of _The Spectator_. + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD will recite a poem, entitled "The Log of the Widow's +Cruise." + +An interesting contrast to the flood of eulogy will be supplied by Sir +ALMROTH WRIGHT, who, taking the view that the simplicity with which +logarithms can be handled is leading the nation inevitably towards +mental atrophy, will introduce the question, "The Logarithm: is it a +Public Menace?" + +The programme will conclude with a costume ball, at which everybody +present will be disguised as a different logarithm. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY OUT. + +I carefully searched through all my pockets for the third time. + +"Smithers," I said, "I have lost my railway ticket." + +"Not really?" replied Smithers, scarcely looking up from his newspaper. +"Have another look." + +I had another look. I looked in my hat-band, in the turned-up bottoms of +my trousers, and in the hole in my handkerchief. "No," I said firmly, +"it's gone!" + +"Extraordinary thing!" + +"I have no doubt," I continued, "that the railway company are in some +way to blame for it, but for the moment I cannot quite fix the +responsibility. Let us view the matter bravely. We are now within a few +miles of our destination; in a short time we shall be asked to produce +our tickets; what are we to do?" + +"I shall give mine up." + +"Smithers," I said; "there is a selfish callousness about your reply +which I do not like. A crisis in the life of another evidently does not +move you." + +"You can, I presume, pay again?" + +"No," I said, "I have an absurd prejudice against paying twice for the +same thing; I inherit it from a great-aunt on my mother's side." + +"Then you'd better explain to the ticket-collector." + +"Explanations are a sign of mental and moral weakness." + +"Well, I've nothing more to suggest. You'll have to pay again." + +"I shall not pay again," I replied, taking the paper gently from him. "I +am a man and an Englishman; and Englishmen are not to be intimidated." + +"Do you think," I continued, "that you could hold the collector in +conversation while I glide imperceptibly from the precincts of the +station?" + +"I'm perfectly sure I couldn't." + +"I was afraid not," I said sadly; "that would require imagination, tact, +pluck, adroitness, in all of which commodities, my dear Smithers---- +Well, no doubt it's a good thing nature doesn't mould us all alike." + +"No doubt, else your handicap would not be 16, while mine is scratch." + +"Golf is not life," I answered. "But I will tax your genius a little +less. Could you for a few moments look like a director of the line, or a +foreman shunter, or something of that sort?" + +"I could try." + +"Then," I said cheerfully, "we will bluff the collector--bluff him into +believing we are that which we are not. Many people go through life like +that. It is quite simple. All we have to do is to stroll up the station +looking as much like commercial or mechanical despots as possible; give +a kindly smile of condescension to the ticket-collector, make a casual +remark about the working of the coupling rods, and pass out of the +station." + +"Yes," said Smithers. + +"Is that all you have to say?" + +"Yes," said Smithers. + +"I see how it is," I said, taking my golf clubs out of the rack as the +train pulled up. "You have no stomach for it; the spice of adventure it +contains does not appeal to you. Well, so much for modern civilisation. +I will go through alone with it; pray, if you wish, detach yourself from +me until we are out of the station." + +I sprang out and hurried up the platform; a servant of the company was +in waiting. + +"Tickets, please," he said coldly--unnecessarily coldly, I thought. + +I smiled. "I am glad to see," I observed genially, "that on my line at +any rate even the commander-in-chief cannot pass the sentries +unchallenged. Your sense of duty shall not go unrewarded; let me have +your card." + +He stared at me stonily. + +"Don't you recognise me?" I asked. + +"Tickets, please," he repeated. + +I have never seen a face so lacking in that gracious trustfulness which +is at once the pride and the adornment of the normal ticket-collector. I +think in his youth he must have committed a murder or robbed an orchard, +for the shadow of a crime seemed to hang over him. I felt instinctively +that he was not fit to play the part I had allotted to him. + +I looked back. Smithers was pluckily doing up his bootlace several yards +away; a tactless grin seemed to desolate his features. The grin decided +me. + +"Smithers," I called, "hurry up with the tickets; the inspector is +waiting for them. Good day, inspector." + +And I walked briskly from the station. + + * * * * * + +"One hundred and seventy started out, the number including the best of +the English players and the entire American continent." + +_Montreal Gazette._ + + +If this is so America was hardly worth discovering. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Long-suffering Vegetarian Lodger._ "DON'T TROUBLE TO +COOK THE CATERPILLARS IN FUTURE, MR. GEDGE. I _NEVER_ EAT THEM." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The dry sticks, as it were, of _The Bale Fire_ (HUTCHINSON) are not very +cunningly laid, with the result that from a spectacular point of view +the conflagration fizzles out rather tamely. But there are so many +bright passages in the book and so many sympathetic sketches of +characters that I cannot help wishing the FRASERS (HUGH and MRS.) had +either written a longer story depending completely on the interplay of +temperament, or else built more carefully on their melodramatic +substructure. For though _Captain Mayhune_, the villain of the piece, is +the proprietor of a gaming-hell and terrorises _Lady Trague_ with a +piece of blotting-paper on which may be read a portion of her letter to +a young man whom she indiscreetly though innocently adores, nothing very +serious comes of his machinations, and our interest in the book is +mainly confined to the emotional relations between _Sir Charles_, a +fussy elderly martinet, his too young wife, and _Maisie_, her +seventeen-year-old step-daughter, who varies from deeper moods to those +of a silly and self-willed child. Then there is _Captain Mayhune_ +himself, a man of good impulses and evil, in whom, somehow or other, +though never without a struggle, the evil always triumphs. Other +characters are rather jerkily introduced, amongst whom a family of +good-natured and thoroughly "nice" Americans, who help to straighten +things out and bring people to a better understanding, are most +conspicuous. But that piece of blotting-paper! If I were a stationer and +kept a circulating library, I think I should try to turn an honest penny +by selling sand to my customers along with their packets of linen-wove +and blue-black writing-fluid. "Simple, effective, and leaves no chance +to the blackmailer." + + * * * * * + +It is pleasant to receive in this age of realism a novel that is +frankly romantic. Miss KAYE-SMITH in _Three against the World_ (CHAPMAN +AND HALL) colours up life with lavish brush. We have a returned convict +who fiddles in the rain for the benefit of dancing village children; we +have impresarios who stand at the doors of inns and hear him thus +fiddling; an untidy heroine who speaks in gasps and gurglings; and a +lover who goes to literary parties in London and therefore (the +inference is implied by the author) falls in love with two ladies at +once. Such a novel is refreshing after the mathematical accuracy with +which clerks, barmaids and politicians are perpetually presented to us +by our novelists, but I am not at all sure that Miss KAYE-SMITH is wise +in trusting our credulity too far. There was a day when one would have +accompanied her _Tramping Methodist_ anywhere, but of late years that +promise has not been fulfilled, and her last novel is, I think, +distinctly her poorest. I like her affection for Sussex, her catalogue +of Sussex names, the fine colour of her descriptive work; but her story +is on the present occasion too obviously arranged behind the scenes. One +can see the author working again and again for the romantic moment, and +scenes that should have convinced and wrung the reader's heart (always +eager to be wrung) have in their appearance some suspicion of the paint +and paste-pot of the cheaper drama. I hope that Miss KATE-SMITH will get +back in her next book to her earlier strength and sincerity. + + * * * * * + +That _Second Nature_ (DUCKWORTH), which JOHN TRAVERS has in mind, is the +innate sense of obligation which compels a gentleman to be a gentleman, +whatever else he may be, in all that he does, says, thinks, eats, drinks +and wears. The family of _Westfield_ went back to times past +remembering, and it came a little hard to the descendant of such a stock +to have to choose his wife from among women who had done time or else to +lose that legacy by the help of which alone he could hope to keep up the +ancestral castle as a going concern. But so it was, by reason of the +testamentary caprice of a spiteful uncle; and the position was not eased +by the special condition for publicity, designed to bring it about that +the family records, which began proudly in Doomsday Book, should +conclude ignominiously in _The Daily Mail_. For _Jim_, always the +gentleman, there was choice only between the devil of poverty or the +deep sea of the Prisoners' Aid Society. He resorted to the latter +(refusing Suffragettes), and came by _Joan Murphy_ for wife who, with +all her excellent capacity, was no lady. Manslaughter, however, may be a +venial crime and physical beauty is a very saving grace, and, as these +things all happened in the earliest chapters, I readily foresaw an +ultimate end of the happiest nature and a solution of all difficulties +worked out in defiance of the probabilities. A disappointed prophet is a +captious critic and, the story turning out quite otherwise, I was very +much on the alert for latent faults. Of these I found none. True, I did +not altogether like _Jim Westfield_, but then I doubt if I was +altogether meant to. Furthermore I give many extra marks to the author +(as to whose sex, by the way, I have in my ignorance had moments of +doubt) for moving the scene to India and thus giving substance and +colour to a very remarkable love-story, while at the same time assisting +his original theme with the subtle comparison, rather hinted at than +dwelt upon, of caste. + + * * * * * + +_Pot-Pourri Mixed by Two_ (SMITH, ELDER) is a book to live with, but not +to be read at a sitting. After spending some hours with Mrs. C. W. EARLE +and Miss ETHEL CASE I found that my critical palate was unequal to the +demands of so liberal and varied a banquet; and when I had finished a +poem by Mr. MASEFIELD, and found that it was followed by a recipe for +cucumber soup, I wanted badly to laugh out loud. My advice, therefore, +to readers is to take a snack from time to time, but not to make a +square meal of it. While dissenting from some of Mrs. EARLE'S +opinions--I do not, for instance, think that the paper she mentions is +"the best of all evening papers"--there is no getting away from her +sincerity or from a certain indefinable charm which prevents her from +causing irritation even when she is proclaiming her very pronounced +views. Miss CASE, the other mixer, supplies some really valuable hints +on gardens. These are drawn from her practical experience and are given +succinctly enough. The only fault to be found with her is that in her +efforts to be a pot-pourrist she occasionally finds it easier to mix +than to blend. With each chapter we are furnished with various recipes +which should, at any rate, gladden the heart of all vegetarians. Even I, +whom Mrs. EARLE possibly would think a heretic, am prepared to take my +chance with salsify scallops, walnut pie and hominy cutlets. + + * * * * * + +_The Magic Tale of Harvanger and Yolande_ (MILLS AND BOON) is set forth +by a new scrivener, to wit, one G. P. BAKER, in more than ordinarily +flamboyant Wardour Street English. _Harvanger_, a Shepherd, hies forth +on his Quest for the Best Thing in the World. It turneth out in sooth to +be LOVE and _Yolande_. Perhaps Mr. BAKER, an easy prey to the magic of +jolly old words, has let himself do a little too much embroidery to the +square inch of happening. There are indeed some good fights, though, by +reason of this excess of embroidery, they are a little vague and +difficult to follow. It is very well to have orgulous messires and men +of courteoisie, with cotehardie of crocus or hose of purpure (showing +how History repeateth herself), gearing and graithing for battle, +mounted on coal-black destriers and generally behaving right this, that +and the other withal; but when _Yolande_, asking _Harvanger_ what will +happen to her when he is away, receiveth for answer, "Truly I fear that +thou wilt be very dull"; or when _Bernlak_, the fighter, says of a dead +man, "I took over such effects as he left" (very much after the manner +of my solicitor), one can't help feeling a little let down. Of such +indeed are the perils of the Higher Tushery. They should not, however, +be allowed to prejudice the consideration of a painstaking narrative +which may well delight the confirmed romantic. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: ANOTHER LONG-FELT WANT SUPPLIED. + +A CIGAR-HOLDER FOR THE USE OF DIVERS. + + * * * * * + +Mr. LAURENCE KETTLE, as quoted by _The Irish Volunteer_ and re-quoted by +_The Dublin Evening Mail_ (and they may share the glory between them):-- + + "Those gentlemen of the army could be described by the poet Milton as + the Oiled and Curley Assyrian wolves." + +However, it is no good going to the Zoo to look for these in the Wolf +House. Stay at home quietly and read "Maud" and "The Destruction of +Sennacherib," and then you will understand how MILTON would have +plagiarised TENNYSON and BYRON in one line if he had only lived long +enough. + + * * * * * + + "When Mr. Asquith came in he was greeted with Opposition shouts of + 'Ipswich' and 'Where's Masterman?' Mr. Asquith said--The Government + adhered to decision not to take part officially in Panama + Exposition."--_Star._ + +If Mr. ASQUITH wishes to be a success in the House he must improve his +powers of repartee. At present his back-answers are entirely lacking in +snap. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, June 3, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 25676.txt or 25676.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/6/7/25676/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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