diff options
Diffstat (limited to '25591.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 25591.txt | 2167 |
1 files changed, 2167 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/25591.txt b/25591.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e146206 --- /dev/null +++ b/25591.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2167 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +May 19, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, May 19, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: May 25, 2008 [EBook #25591] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 *** + + + + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 158. + + + +May 19th, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +A Swedish scientist has invented a new building material called +sylvenselosit. It is said to cost one-fifth the price of the building +material in use in this country, which is known to the trade as +wishyumagetit. + + *** + +A folding motor-car is said to have been invented which has a greater +speed than any other car. The next thing that requires inventing is a +folding pedestrian to cope with it. + + *** + +Berlin manufacturers are experimenting in making clothing from +nettles. This is a chance that the nettle has long been waiting for. + + *** + +A business magazine suggests that a series of afternoon chats with +business men should be arranged. Our war experience of morning back +chats at the grocer's is not encouraging. + + *** + +The capture of General CARRANZA, says a Vera Cruz message, was a +mistake on the part of General SANCHEZ. We trust this does not mean +that they will have to start the thing all over again. + + *** + +Those who understand the Mexican trouble say it is doubtful whether +America can deal with this war until the Presidential election is +over. One war at a time is the American motto. + + *** + +We gather from a contemporary that people who have been ordering +large stocks of coal in the hope of escaping the new prices will be +disappointed. Still, they may get in ahead of the next advance. + + *** + +The inventor of the silent typewriter is now in London. We seem to +know the telephone which gave him the idea. + + *** + +A man at Bow Street Court complained that the Black Maria which +conveyed him there was very stuffy. Some prisoners say that this +vehicle is so unhealthy as to drive custom away from the Court. + + *** + +Fruit blight threatens to be serious this year, says a daily paper, +and drastic action should be taken against the apple weevil. A very +good plan is to make an imitation apple of iron and then watch the +weevil snap at it and break off its teeth. + + *** + +One North of England workman is said to be in a bit of a hole. It +seems that he has mislaid his strike-fixture card. + + *** + +Immediately after a football match at Londonderry, one of the players +was shot in the leg by an opponent. The latter claims that he never +heard the whistle blow. + + *** + +Dr. EUGENE FISK, President of the Life Extension Institute, promises +by scientific means to prolong human life for nineteen hundred years. +If this is the doctor's idea of a promise we would rather not know +what he would call a threat. + + *** + +Wood for making pianos, says a weekly journal, is often kept for +forty years. "And even this," writes "Jaded Parent," "is not half long +enough." + + *** + +With reference to the man who was seen laughing at Newport last week, +it is only fair to point out that he was not a ratepayer, but was only +visiting the place. + + *** + +LARRY LEMON, says _The Sunday Express_, is considered to be better +than CHARLIE CHAPLIN. As he is quite a young man, however, it is +possible that he may yet grow out of it. + + *** + +The Clerk of the oldest City Company writes to _The Times_ to say that +his Livery has resolved to drink no champagne at its feasts. Meanwhile +other predictions as to the end of the world should be treated with +reserve. + + *** + +After the statement in court by Mr. Justice DARLING people +contemplating marriage should book early for divorce if they want to +avoid the rush. + + *** + +"Why Marry?" says the title of a new play. While no valid reason +appears to exist many declare that it is a small price to pay for the +satisfaction of being divorced. + + *** + +Three-fourths of the public only buy newspapers to read the +advertisements, says a contemporary. It would be interesting to know +what the others buy them for. + + *** + +"Few people seem to realise," says a cinema gossip, "that Miss S. +Eaden, the American film actress, is fond of tulips." We are ashamed +to confess that we had not fully grasped this fact. + + *** + +It appears that one newspaper has decided that May 24th shall be the +opening date for ceasing to notice the cuckoo. Will correspondents +please note? + + *** + +"Things are unsettled in Ireland," says a gossip writer. We think +people should be more careful what they say. Scandal like this might +get about. + + *** + +A certain golf club has petitioned the local Council for permission +to play golf "in a modified form." Members who recently heard the +Club Colonel playing out of the bunker at the seventh declare that no +substantial modification is possible. + + *** + +A new invention for motorists makes a buzzing sound when the petrol +tank is getting low. This is nothing compared with the motor-taxes +invented by the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, which make the motorist +himself whistle. + + *** + +In the opinion of a weekly paper no dog can stand the sound of +bagpipes without setting up a howl. This only goes to prove, what we +have always contended, that dogs are almost human. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Visitor._ "WHY DOES YOUR SERVANT GO ABOUT THE HOUSE +WITH HER HAT ON?" + +_MISTRESS._ "OH, SHE'S A NEW GIRL. SHE ONLY CAME THIS MORNING, AND +HASN'T YET MADE UP HER MIND WHETHER SHE'LL STAY."] + + * * * * * + +THE LIBERAL BREACH. + +(_As viewed dispassionately by a looker-on._) + + WHEN dog with dog elects to fight + I take no hand in such disputes, + Knowing how hard they both would bite + Should I attempt to part the brutes. + + So in the case of man and wife + My rooted habit it has been, + When they engage in privy strife, + Never to go and barge between. + + Nor do I join the fighting front + When Liberal sections disagree, + One on the Coalition stunt + And one on that of Freedom (Wee). + + Though tempted, when I see them tear + Each other's eyes, to say, "Be good!" + As an outsider I forbear, + Fearing to be misunderstood. + + Fain would I use my gift of tact + And take a mediatorial line, + But shrewdly recognise the fact + That this is no affair of mine. + + Yet may I venture to deplore + A great tradition cheaply prized, + And yonder, on the Elysian shore, + The ghost of GLADSTONE scandalised. + + But most for him I mourn in vain + Whom Fate has dealt so poor a fist + (Recalling SHAKSPEARE'S gloomy Dane, + That solid-fleshed soliloquist)-- + + O cursed spite that he was born + (ASQUITH, I mean) to close the breach + And save a party all forlorn + By mere rotundity of speech. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +A LIAR'S MASTERPIECE. + +My friend Arthur's hobby is the stupendous. He conceives himself to +be the direct successor of the mediaeval travel-story merchants. +War-tales, of course, are barred to him, for nothing is too improbable +to have happened during the War, and all the best lies were used by +professionals while Arthur was still serving. Once, however, in his +career he has realised his ambition to be taken for a perfect liar, +and that time he happened to be speaking the simple truth. I was his +referee and he did it in this wise. + +When ALLENBY was making his last great drive against the Turk, he was +no doubt happy in the knowledge that Arthur and I were pushing East +through Bulgaria to take his adversary in the rear. We pushed with +speed and address, but just when it looked as if we should exchange +the tactical for the practical we stopped and rusticated at the hamlet +of Skeetablista, on the Turco-Bulgarian frontier. + +Skeetablista was under the control of Marko and Stefan and an assorted +following of Bulgar cut-throats. Although the mutual hatchet had been +interred a bare three weeks we found ourselves among friends. Thomas +Atkins was soon talking Bulgarian with ease and fluency, while his +"so-called superiors," as the company Bolshevik put it, celebrated the +occasion by an international dinner in Marko's quarters. The dinner +consisted chiefly of rum (provided by us) and red pepper (provided by +Marco and Stefan). + +These latter were bright and eager youths from Sofia military academy, +and while the rum and red pepper passed gaily round they talked the +shop of their Bulgarian Sandhurst in a queer mixture of English +and French. They made living figures for us of the KAISER, who had +inspected them not long before, of FERDIE and of BORIS his son, and +told moving tales of British gunfire from the wrong end. We countered +with KITCHENER, LLOYD GEORGE and the British Navy, while outside in +the night the Thracian wolves howled derisively at both alike. + +"I should like plenty to travel away and see the other countries," +said Marko, rolling us cigarettes after dinner. "This is a good +country, but _ennuyant_. 'Ow the wolfs make plenty _brouhaha_ +to-night, _hein_? Stefan, did you command the guard to conduct our +frien's 'ome?" + +Stefan waggled his head from side to side in assent. + +"Yes," continued Marko, "to see Italie, Paris, Londres. Particulierly +Londres." + +"I live in London," Arthur remarked. + +"You live?" said Marko with interest. "Tell me, 'ow great is Londres?" + +"How great?" repeated Arthur, doubtful what kind of greatness was +indicated, moral or material. + +"_Oui_, 'ow great? From one side to the other side?" + +"Oh, I see," replied Arthur, and took thought. "About twenty-five +kilometres, I suppose." + +"Twenty-five!" Marko's eyes rounded with astonishment. "_Ecoute, +Stefan; vingt-cinq kilometres._" + +"But--but," demanded Stefan, "'ow many people is there?" + +"About six millions," replied Arthur, swelling with pleasure. At last +he had found his incredulous audience. + +"But that is a nation! I do not know if there are so many in all +Bulgarie," cried Marko. "'Ow do they travel? No droski could go so +far--it is a day's march. But perhaps you 'ave tramway? In Sofia we +'ave tramway," he added, not without pride. + +"There are trams, but most of the people travel in buses----" + +"Bussesse?" interjected Stefan. "_Qu' est-ce que c'est_, bussesse?" + +"Lorries--_camions_. Big automobiles containing many people. And there +are also underground railways, railways under the ground in a tunnel. +You know tunnels?" + +"_Oui, galleria._ But a railway under a town--_mon Dieu!_" said Marko, +appalled. "'Ow do the people descend to it?" + +"In lifts--_ascenseurs_. From the street." + +Stefan nodded assent. "I 'ave seen _ascenseurs_ at Sofia," he said. + +"In these tunnels," continued Arthur, visibly warming to his work, +"trains go to all parts of the town every three minutes, and the cost +is only twenty _statinki_. The streets above are paved with wood." + +"With _wood! Kolossal!_" said Marko, forgetting our prejudice +against Bosch idiom in his wonder at this crowning marvel. + +To what lengths of veracity Arthur would have gone I never knew, +for at that moment a trampling of feet and a hoarse command outside +announced the arrival of our escort, and Marko, still in a sort of +walking swoon of amazement, went out to give them their orders. + +Stefan regarded us with twinkling eyes. + +"Ah, _farceur!_" he remarked, shaking his finger waggishly at Arthur. +"I know all the time you make the joke, but poor Marko, you 'ave +deceived 'im _absolument_. Railway under the ground, streets of wood, +'e swallow it all. Oh, naughty _Baroutchik!_" + +The wolves did not come near us and our escort on our way home, +but they could have had Arthur for the taking. At the moment he had +nothing left to live for. + + * * * * * + + "Johannesburg tramway men started a lightning strike on + Thursday owing to the suspension of a conductor."--_Daily + Paper._ + +It seems a logical reason. + + *** + + "Do not waste any time in entering for our 'Hidden' Geography + Competition." + + _Daily Paper._ + +Thanks for the advice; we won't. + + *** + + "LINACRE LECTURE.--Dr. Henry Head, F.R.L., 'Aspasia and + Kindred Disorders of the Speech.'"--_Cambridge Calendar._ + +Yet this is the lady who is supposed to have inspired the most famous +of PERICLES' orations. + + *** + + "Furnished Railway Carriage in Surrey garden to Let; 3 beds; + company's water, gas-cooker, and light: 2gs. weekly." + + _Daily Paper._ + +Miss DAISY ASHFORD seems to have foreseen this development when she +wrote of _Mr. Salteena's_ "compartments." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RELUCTANT THRUSTER. + +MR. ASQUITH (_performing the function of a battering-ram_). "I CONFESS +THAT AT MY TIME OF LIFE I SHOULD HAVE PREFERRED A MORE SEDENTARY IF +LESS HONORIFIC SPHERE OF USEFULNESS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Profiteer (after trying a variety of patterns without +success)._ "WELL, IT LOOKS PRETTY 'OPELESS WHEN THEY WON'T 'AVE A GOLD +FLY. WHAT DO THEY EXPECT--DIAMONDS?"] + + * * * * * + +THE PERSONAL TOUCH. + +(_By our tireless Political Penetrator._) + +For some time past, I understand, the Government has been considering +steps to bring the personalities of Cabinet Ministers more prominently +into the public eye. "We are not sufficiently known," said Sir WILLIAM +SUTHERLAND, who has the matter in hand, "as living palpitating figures +to the man in the street. We do not grip the nation's heart. We lack +pep." + +I told him that it was a pity about pep. I felt that the Government +ought to have pep. and plenty of it. If possible they ought to have +vineg. and must. too. + +"You are right," he said. "Occasional paragraphs in the Press, +snapshots which take us very likely with one leg stuck out in front +as if we were doing the goose-step, rare provincial excursions and +bouquets from admiring mill-girls are all very well in their way, but +they are nothing to constant personal appearances at stated times +and in stated places before an admiring mob. The heroes of sport are +overshadowing us," he continued with a sigh, pushing me over a box of +cigars. + +"What are you going to do about it?" I asked, lighting one and putting +another carefully behind my ear. + +"You must remember first," he replied, "that this is quite a modern +difficulty. Statesmen of the past used to make their leisurely +progress through the town surrounded by retainers on horseback, or +in sedan-chairs, beautifully dressed and scattering largesse as they +went. THOMAS A BECKET, the great Primate and Chancellor, used to have +poor men to dine with him and crowds thronging round to bless him. +To-day, I suppose, JOE BECKETT in his flowered dressing-gown would +be a more popular figure than Lord BIRKENHEAD and the Archbishop of +CANTERBURY, if you can imagine them rolled into one. In CHARLES II.'s +reign, when politicians used to play _pele-mele_ where the great Clubs +are now, anyone could rub shoulders with my lord of BUCKINGHAM and, +if he was lucky, get a swipe across the shins with the ducal mallet +itself. That is the kind of thing we want now. + +"I had thoughts of running popular excursions down to Walton Heath, +but I am not sure that the people would care to go so far even to see +Sir ERIC GEDDES carrying the home green and Lord RIDDELL--the Riddell +of the sands, as we call him affectionately down there--getting out of +a difficult bunker. So I am trying to arrange for a few putting greens +in railed-off spaces in St. James's Park near the pelicans, and we +also propose to hold there on fine summer days the breakfast parties +for which the PRIME MINISTER is so famous. We shall make a point +of throwing not only crumbs to the birds, but slices of bread and +marmalade to the more indigent spectators. We shall also try to get +two or three open squash racket courts in Whitehall, so that on hot +summer days the most carping critic who watches a rally between Mr. +AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the SECRETARY OF STATE for WAR will have to +admit that we are doing our utmost to eliminate waste-products." + +"But what about the clothes and the stately progress and the +largesse?" I asked; the largesse idea had struck me with particular +force. + +"We are thinking of goat carriages and overalls for economy," he said, +"and the largesse cannot, I am afraid, be allowed for in the Treasury +Estimates. But we shall certainly scatter a handful or two of O.B.E.'s +as we go." + +"And how will you deal with the country and the outer suburbs?" I +asked when my admiration had partially subsided. + +"Ah, there you have the Cinema," replied Sir WILLIAM enthusiastically. +"We are going to make great strides with the Cinema. Our first film, +which is now in preparation, deals with the Leamington episode and has +been very carefully staged. It has been necessary, of course, in +the interests of art to elaborate the actual incidents to a certain +extent. Coalition Liberals, for instance, were obliged to board the +train in the traditional manner of the screen, leaping on to it whilst +in motion and climbing, some by way of the brakes and buffers, some +along the roofs of the carriages, into their reserved compartment. +Then again we could not reassemble the actual gathering of Wee Frees +to represent the enemy, but we secured the services of actors well +trained in Wild West and "crook" parts, capably led by those two +prominent comedians, _Mr. Mutt_ and _Mr. Jeff_. The film ends, of +course, with the second meeting at the Central Hall, Westminster, +when _Messrs. Mutt_ and _Jeff_ again appear as comic and objectionable +interrupters, and are ignominiously hurled into the street. + +"Very soon we hope to have all important Parliamentary debates filmed. +It will be essential, of course, to provide some comic relief, and we +are relying confidently on certain Members to practise the wearing +of mobile moustaches and to take lessons in the stagger, the butter +slide, the business with the cane and the quick reversal of the hat." + +"In short you think politics should be more spectacular?" + +"That's it," he said. "HOBBS the mammoth hitter and a little less of +the _Leviathan_." + +Greatly impressed I bit off the end of his second cigar and went back +to the office to look up _Leviathan_. + +V. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer._ "DEAR ME! C-CAN I DO ANYTHING?" + +_Airman._ "THANKS, BUT REALLY I THINK I'VE DONE ALL THERE IS TO BE +DONE."] + + * * * * * + +AN OPTIMIST. + + "The pastor of the ---- Congregational Church has been ordered + by his medical adviser to take a rest. The rev. gentleman + is therefore spending a fortnight's holiday in + Ireland."--_Provincial Paper._ + + *** + + "During the period of waiting before the bridal party + appeared, the organist played Wagner's 'Bridal Chorus,' and + 'Cradle Song' (Guilmant)."--_West Country Paper._ + +The organist seems to have been rather a forward fellow. + + *** + +With the Polo-season imminent we feel that we must not withhold from +intending players the admirable and disinterested advice given in an +Indian Trade circular:-- + + "The skill of a polo player lies in his well management of + horse in the turmoil of Play. Ill-weighed Polo sticks make the + situation worse if the horse is not so kept. + + We try our best to construct Polo sticks in such a way as + may help the player in the blur of game and put him in a more + progressing mood. + + Make a real pleasure of your game and not labour as other + sticks than ours would tend to make it. A fond player would + like to give anything for a good stick." + + * * * * * + +HOME-SICKNESS; OR, THE SINN FEINER ABROAD. + +(_After "The Lake Isle of Innisfree," with sincere apologies to Mr. W. +B. YEATS._) + + I will arise and go now to Galway or Tralee + And burgle someone's house there and plan a moonlight raid; + Ten live rounds will I have there to shoot at the R.I.C. + And wear a mask in the bomb-loud glade. + + And I shall have great fun there, for fun comes fairly fast, + Bonfires in the purple heather and the barracks burning fine, + There midnight is a shindy and the noon is overcast + And evening full of the feet of kine. + + I will arise and go now, for always in my sleep + There comes the sound of rifles and low moans on the shore; + I see the sudden ambush and hear the widows weep, + And I like that kind of war. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +AURAL TUITION. + +The only other occupant of the carriage was a well dressed man of +middle age, clad in English clothes, but from many slight signs +palpably a foreigner of some sort. + +Soon after the train started I noticed that his mouth and throat were +twitching and I surmised that he was about to speak. But speech is +no term in which to describe the queer animal, vegetable and mineral +sounds which issued from him. First his mouth opened slightly and he +seemed about to sneeze. Next I was conscious of a scraping noise in +his throat, accompanied by a slight ticking. It appeared that he was +going to have a fit and I regretted that we were alone. The noise grew +louder, took on speed and rose in a crescendo almost to a screech. +Then a few more scrapes, as of a pencil on a slate, and I began to +detect that he was speaking. His lips did not move, so that his voice +had a curiously distant sound. Nevertheless the words were clearly +audible. + +The following is what he said in a low, metallic monotone: "Good +morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me what +o'clock it is? I am much obliged. I wish to descend at Manchester. +At what hour do we arrive there? There are few passengers to-day. The +weather is fine. I beg your pardon if I do not make myself clear. I +do not speak English perfectly as yet. No doubt I have need of much +practice. Can I send a telegram from the next station? Is there a good +hotel at Manchester? Will you do me the favour----" + +"Stop," I cried, after having several times opened my mouth to answer +one or other of his questions. + +As soon as I spoke the words ended with a sudden click; the voice +descended and became a scrape; at last silence. + +"My dear Sir," said I, "I shall be happy to give you any information +I can if you will ask one question at a time. You evidently speak +English very well indeed." + +His face lighted with approval of the compliment and then the whole +performance began over again. Once more the wheeze, the scrape, the +screech, the tick and all the rest of it. I became terrified at these +painful impediments in his speech. + +I remembered that somebody had once told me what to do on such +occasions. It was either to throw the patient upon his back and move +his arms up and down in a travesty of rowing or to slap him violently +on the back. Seeing that the stranger was several times larger than +myself I chose with diffidence the latter course. Rising to my feet +I turned him round and thumped his back vigorously. He received the +treatment with amiable smiles. Next he produced from his pocket a +booklet, which he handed to me with a polite bow, desisting entirely +from his menagerie noises. + +I am of a nervous temperament and needed some minutes' rest in which +to collect myself. Then I began to examine the stranger's gift. + +It was a well-printed pamphlet, obviously an advertisement:-- + + "HOW TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGES. + _The One Truly Scientific Method._ + +The only way to acquire the real accent of the native is to listen +repeatedly to the language spoken by a native. With our phonograph No. +0034 and a selection of suitable records the student may listen for as +many hours daily as he chooses to the voice of a native speaking his +own language." + +Lower down I saw: "Contents of Records. No. 1, At the Hotel; No. 2, At +the Railway Station; No. 3, In the Train." Ah! there it was--the whole +monologue:-- + +"Good morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell +me----?" + +The explanation relieved me; I turned to my fellow-traveller. + +"My dear Sir," said I, "I congratulate you on being the perfect pupil. +Your teacher, could it feel such emotions, would be proud of you. Only +to an exceptional student can it be given so faithfully to reproduce +'His Master's Voice.'" + + * * * * * + +FIGURE-HEADS. + + "You never see a decent figure-'ead, + Not now," Bill said; + "A fiddlin' bit o' scrollwork at the bow, + That's the most now; + But Lord! I've seen some beauties, more 'n a few, + An' some rare rum uns too. + + "Folks in all sorts o' queer old-fashioned rigs, + Fellers in wigs, + Chaps in cocked 'ats an' 'elmets, lords an' dukes. + Folks out o' books, + Niggers in turbans, mandarins an' Moors, + And 'eathen gods by scores; + + "An' women in all kinds o' fancy dresses-- + Queens an' princesses, + Witches on broomsticks too, an' spankin' girls + With streamin' curls, + An' dragons an' sea serpents--Lord knows what + I've seen an' what I've not! + + "An' some's in breakers' yards now, thick with grime + And weathered white wi' time; + An' some stuck up in gardens 'ere an' there + With plants for 'air; + An' no one left as knows but chaps like me + How fine wi' paint an' gold they used to be + In them old days at sea." + +C. F. S. + + * * * * * + +"BAG AND BAGGAGE." + + "According to present arrangements the Turkish Peace Treaty + will be presented to the Turkish delegation on May 11 at + 4 p.m. in the Cloak Room of the French Foreign + Office."--_Times._ + +These ceremonies are usually conducted in the Salon de l'Horloge, but +the new _venue_ was doubtless thought more appropriate for disposing +of the Turkish _impedimenta_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THE STRIKE AGAINST THE PRICE OF CLOTHES IS SPREADING. + +[_Fashion Note._--Lady Germanda Speedwell was seen walking in the Park +looking sweet in a rhubarb-leaf hat, the stalk worn at the side. Her +corsage was of clinging ivy leaves, in contrast to the fuller effect +of her banana-skin skirt. Her companion wore the usual morning-coat +and kilt of grass, but struck a new note with a pumpkin hat.]] + + * * * * * + +THE MAKING OF A CRISIS. + +[We are privileged to-day to publish an unwritten chapter from Mr. H. +G. WELLS' _History of the World_. It is entitled "The Slime Age," and +has a topical interest since it outlines the methods of production of +the Crisis, the only article of which the supply to-day exceeds the +demand.] + +Out of all this muddle and confusion and slipshod thinking there +arose one man with a purpose, one man who fixed his eyes on a single +inevitable goal and walked straight at it, not minding what or whom he +trod upon on the way. His purpose was the mass-production of crises, +and he created crises as rabbits create their young, nine at a time. +In those fuddled incompetent days before the Great War the crisis +was a little-known phenomenon. Here and there in the drab routine of +peaceful corpulent years there flashed in the prosperous firmament +the baleful light of a great anxiety. Agadir was one; CARSON and his +gun-runners was another. But they were few; they came like rare comets +and were forgotten. + +Then in the Great War a new habit was born in the minds of the people, +the habit of crises. Even then at first they came decently, in ordered +succession--Mons, Ypres, the Coalition, Gallipoli. But the people's +craving was insatiable; the people cried for more crises. + +Then this man stood up and said to the people, "I will give you +crises." + +And he did. Instead of a casual crisis here and there, to every year +a crisis or two, he gave them a crisis every month, every week, every +day, and still they were not satisfied. And so, at last, out of all +the muddle and waste and pettifogging stupidity this man created +crises as men create matches, by the gross. And this was how he +created them:-- + +_Extract from "The Slime," April 3rd, a paragraph in the Foreign +Intelligence:--_ + +"BOBADIG, _April 1st._ + +"A party of French mules, passing to their quarters in the vilayet of +Arimabug, were to-day attacked by an Australian sheep on the staff of +the British Military Mission. It is feared that many of the mules were +injured. Feeling runs high among the peasantry, incensed already by +the failure of the British Government to provide mosquito-nets for the +sacred goats." + + +_Extract from a leading article in "The Slime," April 6th, on Land +Tenure in Wales:--_ + +" ... Parliament to-day will be occupied with the preposterous Budget +proposals, but we hope our legislators will find time to press the +PRIME MINISTER for an explanation of the outrageous incident at +Bobadig reported in our columns last week. There is only too good +reason to fear that the policy of alternate violence and inertia, +against which we have so often protested, has at last inflamed the +law-abiding animals of Bobadig ..." + +_From "The Slime" Special Correspondent:--_ + +BOBADIG, _April 8th._ + +"Since my last message (much mutilated by the Censor) events have +moved rapidly. Two of the mules have died of their injuries in +hospital; three others lie in a dangerous condition at Umwidi, four +miles away, where they fled for refuge from the wanton onslaught of +the Australian sheep. This sheep, it now transpires, was the personal +attendant of General Riddlecombe, Head of the Military Mission, a +circumstance which is not calculated to allay the local animosity +which the incident has aroused. The situation will require all the +tact that the British Government can command." + + +_Extract from the Special Crisis Column of "The Slime," April 11th:--_ + +"ANGLO-ARMENIAN RELATIONS. + GRAVE WARNING. + +"In a telegram which we print in another column our Special +Correspondent in Armenia confirms to-day the serious fears to which we +gave expression in our issue of April 6th concerning the possibility +of a crisis in Anglo-Armenian relations. The incident of the Bobadig +mules is already bearing fruit, and we can no longer doubt that +popular feeling in the vilayet of Arimabug has been dangerously +inflamed by the obtuse procrastination of the British Government. +These unfortunate mules...." + + +"SCRATCHIPOL, _April 10th._ + +"Communications with Bobadig have broken down, but it is reported that +a mule was buried there on Sunday in circumstances of great popular +excitement. A large crowd followed the body to the cemetery and made +a demonstration after the ceremony outside the house of the local +veterinary surgeon, who is alleged to have treated the animal for +mumps instead of sheep-shock, with fatal results." + + +_From "The Slime," April 14th.--_ + +"GRAVE CRISIS. + ARMENIAN ANGER. + THE MURDERED MULES. + +"As we feared, a serious crisis has arisen in Anglo-Armenian +relations. At Bobadig a third mule has perished and his interment was +made the occasion of a great popular demonstration against the policy +of Great Britain. In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to +conceal that the situation is extremely grave. The PRIME MINISTER has +returned to Downing Street from Le Touquet. Shortly after his arrival +the Armenian Minister drove up in a motor-cab and was closeted with +the PREMIER for a full ten minutes. After lunch, Lord Wurzel arrived +in his brougham. At tea-time the Minister of Mutton-Control dashed up +in a 24 'bus, followed rapidly by the Secretary of State for War on +his scooter. Mr. Burble wore an anxious look...." + +_Extract from a leading article in "The Slime," April 16th:--_ + +"SPIT IT OUT. + +"We trust it is not already too late to appeal to the Government to +extricate the Empire from the perilous position in which their wilful +stupidity has placed it. The news from Bobadig is exceedingly serious. +Another of the affronted mules has perished in circumstances of the +foulest indignity; it only remains for the other two to die for +the triumph of British statesmanship to be complete. These wretched +creatures are being slowly sacrificed for the foolish whim of a +British Prime Minister. No doubt remains that they have been subjected +to sheep-shock by the savage bites of the Australian animal. The +Government, blinded by its own infatuate folly and deaf to the storms +of popular indignation in this country, continues to treat them +for mumps.... By this test the Government will be judged at the +forthcoming election. They must realise that the time for trifling is +past. If the resources of the British Empire are unable at this date +to combat the menace of sheep-shock among the loyal mules of Bobadig, +then indeed.... At least we are entitled to ask for an explanation of +the presence of an infuriated sheep on the staff of a British General. +The PRIME MINISTER...." + + +_From "The Slime," April 17th.--_ + +"AT LAST. + +The situation in Bobadig is easing rapidly. The Government has at last +carried out the instructions of _The Slime_, and we understand that a +Ministerial expert in sheep-shock has been sent to the assistance of +the surviving mules. But while we may congratulate ourselves on the +lifting of the clouds in that direction matters in West Ham give +ground for the gravest anxiety. The wood-lice of West Ham are +proverbially of an irritable nature, and the attitude of the +Government has been calculated for some time to inflame...." + +_From "The Slime," April 19th.--_ + +"BOBADIG CRISIS OVER. + +PREMIER YIELDS. + +We are glad to report ..." + +_From "The Slime," April 20th.--_ + +"WEST HAM CRISIS BEGINS. + +WOOD LICE IN REVOLT. + +GRAVE WARNING. + +Once again we must warn the Government...." + +And so on. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS. + +_Party in Check Cap._ "WILL YOU HAVE MY PLACE, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + + "Three swift fierce rounds between Beckett and Wells and the + 18,000 spectators at Olympia last night witnessed the close of + yet another great ring drama."--_Daily Chronicle._ + + "Beckett ... bowed more by instinct than of set purpose to the + shouting, over-wrought people who from the floor of Olympia + shot up to the ceiling."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +We had no idea until we read these paragraphs that the spectators took +such an active part in the proceedings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _House-hunter (after another fruitless day)._ "WHAT +ABOUT TAKING THIS? WE COULD AT LEAST HANG OUR PICTURES."] + + * * * * * + +THE FAIRY BALL. + + "I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night; + What shall I wear, for I must look right?" + "Search in the fields for a lady's-smock; + Where could you find you a prettier frock?" + + "I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night; + What shall I do for my jewels bright?" + "Trouble you not for a brooch or a ring, + A daisy-chain is the properest thing." + + "I am asked to the ball to night, to-night; + What shall I do if I shake with fright?" + "When you are there you will understand + That no one is frightened in Fairyland." + +R. F. + + * * * * * + +"WIT AND HUMOUR. + + Ashton and District Undertakers' Association have advanced + the prices of hearse and carriages for funerals."--_Yorkshire + Paper._ + +If this is the kind of humour that appeals to our contemporary it +should alter the heading to "Grave and Gay." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LUXURIES OF THE RICH. + +_Club Member (owner of thirty thousand acre estate)._ "I TELL YOU +WHAT IT IS--I MUST REALLY GET MY HAIR CUT. DASH IT, I'VE GOT THE +MONEY."] + + * * * * * + +COMMUNISM AT CAMBRIDGE. + + [Bolshevism and Communism claim many adherents among the young + intellectuals at our ancient Universities.--_Vide Press._] + +I am a Socialist, a Syndicalist, an Anarchist, a Bolshevist--whatever +you like to call me; if you wish to be precise, an International +Communist. + +Anyhow, as such I am opposed tooth-and-nail to the iniquity of the +existing Competitive System. It is my intention to devote my life +to its eradication, in whatever form it may be disguised, and to +inaugurate an era of loving-kindness, peace, leisure and plenty, +similar to that now enjoyed by the people of Russia. + +But my duties do not lie only in the distant future; they are here, in +the present, facing me in the University. For never, I think, was the +unclean thing, Competition, so prevalent and unabashed as at Cambridge +to-day. + +Both in work and in sport is the evil rampant. Take as an example +the reactionary custom of dividing the Tripos Honours List into three +classes. Can you imagine anything more inducive to competition? Worse, +it is a direct invitation to the worker--often, I am proud to say, +unheeded--to exceed the one-hour-day for which we Communists are +striving. + +Even more deplorable is the competitive spirit in sport; more +deplorable because more insidious. Even those whom we are wont to +regard as our comrades and leaders are not always proof against the +canker in this guise. I remember paying a visit to Fenner's, that +fair field corrupted by competition, to raise my protest against +inter-collegiate sports. To my indescribable grief and amazement I +beheld one whom I had always followed and reverenced--a man of mighty +voice oft lifted in debate--preparing to _compete_ (mark the word) +in a Three-Mile Race. "Stay, comrade," I cried. He heeded me not; +moreover, it certainly appeared to me that he attempted--thank God, +unsuccessfully--to win the race. Maybe I go too far in ascribing to +him this desire to come in first, with a resultant triumph over his +fellows; but was not his very entrance a countenancing of evil? Had +he considered the feelings of bitter enmity inspired in the many +who toiled behind him? And the encouragement to College rivalry!--a +rivalry in no way differing from that between nations, save that +College distinctions are, of course, less artificial. + +It becomes obvious, I think, to every unprejudiced observer that most +of the games now unfortunately so popular at the University--rowing, +cricket, football and the like--_must go_. But let it not be assumed +that the Communist is averse from recreation properly conducted; far +from it. There is no possible objection to diabolo or top-spinning, +for instance, and, though competitive marbles must not be played +(whether on the Senate House steps or elsewhere), solitaire may be +permitted as in no way provoking the deplorable spirit of rivalry. + +Of other games the Communist will discard bridge, billiards and +"general post"; and even "hunt-the-slipper" and "hide-and-seek" are +not altogether free from the competitive taint. But an excellent +game is open to him in "patience," while there is no pastime more +indicative of the true Communistic spirit than "ring-a-ring o' roses," +so long as proper care be taken that at the last "tishu" all the +players collapse simultaneously. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOMAGE FROM THE BRAVE. + +"OLD CONTEMPTIBLE" (_to Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_). +"WELL, MATE, I HAD TO STICK IT AGAINST A PRETTY DIRTY FIGHTER, BUT +THANK GOD I NEVER HAD A JOB QUITE LIKE YOURS."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, May 10th._--But for the presence of a handful of Irish Peers +and of Sir EDWARD CLARKE (looking little older than when he pulverised +GLADSTONE'S second Home Rule scheme in 1893) you would never have +thought that this was the first day in Committee of the Bill "for +the better government of Ireland." The Ulstermen were on duty in full +force, but the bench on which the Nationalists are wont to sit was, +like their beloved country, "swarming with absentees." + +[Illustration: HARLEQUIN'S OFFENSIVE. + +LORD HUGH CECIL.] + +Lord HUGH CECIL, like _Harlequin_, smote everyone impartially, one +of his most telling strokes being the remark that the PRIME MINISTER +could not distinguish between the art of winning an election and the +art of governing a country; but otherwise his performance was about on +a par with that of Mr. JACK JONES, who spoke against the Amendment +and voted for it. Mr. BONAR LAW'S declaration that the Bill, however +unacceptable to Ireland at the moment, furnished the only hope of +ultimate settlement, coupled with the Ulster leader's promise that, +much as he loathed the idea of a separate Parliament, he would work +it for all he was worth, carried the day. Mr. ASQUITH'S Amendment was +knocked out by 259 to 55. + +In subsequent Amendments other Members attempted to emphasise the idea +of ultimate union by calling the statutory bodies "Councils" instead +of "Parliaments," and by setting up a single Senate to control them +both. But they did not meet with acceptance. Captain ELLIOTT thought +the first as absurd as the idea that you could make two dogs agree +by chaining them together, and Mr. LONG dismissed the second with the +remark (which shows how rapidly his political education has advanced +since the Parliament Act) that he was in great doubt as to whether a +Second Chamber was in itself a protection for minorities. + +[Illustration: A PROTESTING CONVERT. + +SIR EDWARD CARSON.] + +_Tuesday, May 11th._--Lord LONDONDERRY moved the second reading of the +Air Navigation Bill. An important part of the Bill relates to trespass +or nuisance by aeroplanes. The rights of the property-owner _usque ad +coelum_ will obviously have to be considerably modified if commercial +aviation is to be possible; but Lord MONTAGU entered a _caveat_ +against accepting the provisions of the Bill in this regard without +close examination. Constant flying over a man's house or property +might, as he said, constitute a serious nuisance. Imagine an +"air-drummer," if one may so call him, hovering over a Royal +garden-party and showering down leaflets on the distinguished guests. + +The little _coterie_ that is so nervously anxious lest this country +should do anything to assist the Poles in their attacks on the +Bolshevists was particularly active this afternoon. Even the SPEAKER'S +large tolerance is beginning to give out. One of the gang announced +his intention of repeating a question already answered. "And I give +notice," said Mr. LOWTHER, "that if the hon. and gallant Member does +repeat it I shall not allow it to appear on the Notice-paper." + +Another hon. Member wanted to know why, if we were not helping the +Poles, we kept a British mission at Warsaw. "Among other things," +replied Mr. CHURCHILL, "to enable me to answer questions put to me +here." A third sought information regarding the expenditure of the +Secret Service money, and was duly snubbed by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN with the +reply that if he answered the question the Service would cease to be +secret. + +The rejection of the Finance Bill was moved by Mr. BOTTOMLEY. In his +view the CHANCELLOR was making a great mistake in trying to pay off +debt, especially if it meant the taxation of such harmless luxuries +as champagne and cigars. "Let posterity pay," was his motto. Still, if +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was determined to persist in his foolish course, let +him give him (Mr. BOTTOMLEY) a free hand and he would guarantee to +raise a thousand millions in a month. The best comment on this +oration was furnished by Mr. BARNES, who strongly advocated a tax upon +advertisements. + +_Wednesday, May 12th._--The prevalent notion that the only road +a Scotsman cares about is that which leads to England cannot be +maintained in face of Lord BALFOUR'S vigorous indictment of the +Ministry of Transport for its neglect of the highways in his native +Clackmannan. The Duke of SUTHERLAND was equally eloquent about the +deplorable state of the Highlands, where the people were not even +allowed telephones to make up for their lack of transport facilities. +"Evil communications corrupt good manners," and there was real +danger that the Highlanders would vote "Wee Free" at the next General +Election. Appalled by this prospect, no doubt, Lord LYTTON hastened to +return a soft answer, from which we learned that three-quarters of +a million had already been allocated to Scottish roads, and gathered +that the dearest ambition of Sir ERIC GEDDES was to share the fame of +the hero immortalised in the famous lines:-- + + "Had you seen but these roads before they were made + You would hold up your hands and bless General WADE." + +Only Mr. KIPLING could do full justice to the story of the abduction, +pursuit and recapture--all within thirty-six hours--of an English +lady at Peshawar. Even as officially narrated by Mr. MONTAGU it was +sufficiently exciting. The most curious and reassuring fact was +that all the actors in the drama, abductors and rescuers alike, were +Afridis. It is to be hoped that this versatile community includes a +cinematograph operator, and that a film will, like the lady, shortly +be "released." + +[Illustration: "SUMER IS Y-CUMEN IN." + +SIR ROBERT HORNE WELCOMES A USEFUL ALLY.] + +The miners' representatives made an unselfish protest against the +increase in the price of coal. Although it would justify them in +demanding a further increase in their present inadequate wage they did +not believe it was necessary or, at any rate, urgent. Sir ROBERT HORNE +assured them that it was, and that the present moment--the season in +happier days of "Lowest Summer Prices"--had been selected as the least +inconvenient to the public. + +_Thursday, May 13th._--Ireland maintains its pre-eminence as the land +of paradox. Among the hunger-strikers recently released from Mountjoy +prison were (by an accident) several men who had actually been +convicted. The House learned to its surprise that these men cannot be +re-arrested, but are out for good (their own, though possibly not the +community's); whereas the untried (and possibly innocent) suspects may +be re-arrested at any moment. + +The new Profiteering Bill, which, to judge by the criticisms levelled +against its exceptions and safeguards, will be about as effective as +its predecessor, was read a third time. So was the Health Insurance +Bill, but not until a few Independent Liberals, led by Captain +WEDGWOOD BENN, had been rebuked for their obstructive tactics by Mr. +MYERS and Mr. NEIL MACLEAN of the Labour Party. As the small hours +grew larger this split in the Progressive ranks developed into a +yawning chasm, and the Government got a third Bill passed before the +weary House adjourned at six o'clock. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "'OLD YER 'EADS UP! ALL THE FAG ENDS WAS +PICKED UP LONG AFORE YOU---- 'ERE, WHAT THE----?" + +_Old Soldier (who has produced a small note-book)._ "ALL RIGHT, +SERGEANT, I'M ONLY KEEPING A RECORD OF THE 'FAG END' JOKE. I'VE NOW +HEARD IT TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN TIMES."] + + * * * * * + + "It has been arranged that the Speaker shall make the + presentation of plate [to Miss BONAR LAW], and Mr. Lloyd + George and Mr. Asquith will take part."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +It is hoped that they will leave a substantial portion for the bride. + + * * * * * + +A SMALL FARM. + +To all of you who have begun to gaze pensively at railway posters, to +furrow your brows over maps and guide-books, or hover sheepishly about +the inquiry offices of Holiday Touring Agencies, I would whisper: "Go +to a small farm and bask." + +You will note that I say a _small_ farm. A large farm has much that is +pleasant and pungent about it, but to my mind you cannot bask properly +on a large farm. You are too much in the way. The medley of barns, +byres, styes, rods, poles and perches is a hive of restless energy. +Unless you are walking about with a bucket or prodding something with +a stick you feel you have no right to be there. On a large farm you +are expected to accompany your host across a couple of ten-acre fields +to look at his young wheat. Some people can tell what is the matter +with a field of young wheat by merely leaning on a gate and glancing +at it. Unless I can feel its pulse or take its temperature I cannot +tell whether young wheat is suffering from whooping-cough or +nasal catarrh. All I can do is to nod my head sagely and say that, +considering the sort of Government we have got, it looks pretty +flourishing. Then my host remarks that he has got a young bull in +Bodger's Paddock (about three miles across country) that it will do +my heart good to see. That is the worst of a large farm; anything you +want is sure to be several fields away from you. + +Now at the small farm which I recommend, but the address of which I am +not going to give away, you may lie and bask by the duck pond and be +quite in the picture. Further, if a sudden irresistible desire for +something--a hoe or a cow, for example--should come over you, you have +only to put out your hand and grab it. There is a compactness about +the place. They do not put the cattle in odd fields five miles apart, +but leave them to lounge round the duck pond or sit in the front +garden, where they can be collected without effort. There are +no energetic squads of farm-labourers; no bustling battalions of +land-girls with motor-plough attachments. The outdoor staff is +generally to be found sitting on a bucket by the duck pond rubbing at +a bit of harness and looking decently rural. When he has rubbed the +harness he stands up and looks at the young wheat. Then he turns +round and glances at the mangel-wurzel field. If the appearance of it +displeases him he reaches out for a rake and puts it right. Then he +sits on the bucket again and has lunch. + +When you go to bed at this farm you knock your head against the lintel +of the sitting-room with a force corresponding to your height and +vitality. Then you hit your head a second time when ascending the +stairs and again on entering the bedroom. If you are a heavy breather +you sweep the ceiling clear of flies and cobwebs while you sleep. +At dawn, or possibly an hour or so before (for he is a nervously +conscientious bird), the farm cock steps off the roof of the cow-shed +on to your window-sill and bursts into enthusiastic admiration +of himself and things in general. Some people of an egoistic and +unimaginative temperament get up at once, in order that they may spend +the rest of the day telling you how much they enjoyed the sunrise and +what a fool you were to miss it. The true basker, on the other hand, +declines to be a party to a procedure which destroys the whole poetry +of dawn and reduces the proud chanticleer to the sordid status of an +alarum-clock. He simply pushes the bird off the window-sill with his +foot, turns over and goes to sleep. And later on, when the sound of +other people knocking their heads against various portions of the +building arouses him, he goes to sleep again. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shopman._ "ARE YOU SURE ONE WILL BE SUFFICIENT?" + +_Member of the New Plutocracy._ "WELL, I'VE ONLY ONE NECK, AIN'T +I?"] + + * * * * * + + "COUNTRY JOINER Wanted." + + _Advt. in Provincial Paper._ + +To work on the Channel Tunnel? + + * * * * * + +BRIDGING THE LITERARY GULF. + +(_Famous Publisher's Great Scheme of Reconciliation._) + +Hearing on good authority that Mr. Blinkingham, the well-known +publisher, was about to launch an enterprise of a magnitude only +comparable with that of the _Ency. Brit._ or the _D.N.B._, Mr. +Punch hastened to headquarters for confirmation of the report, was +graciously admitted to his presence and furnished with the following +interesting details. Mr. Blinkingham, it may be mentioned, is at +all points a finely equipped representative of his class, handsome, +well-groomed and wearing his monocle with distinction. His sanctum is +furnished with delightfully catholic taste--Louis Quinze furniture, a +Japanese embossed wall-paper, pictures by BOTTICELLI and Mr. WYNDHAM +LEWIS and statuettes of PLATO, VOLTAIRE and Mr. WELLS (the Historian, +not the Bombardier). + +After some preliminary observations on the deplorable condition of the +pulp industry, Mr. Blinkingham unfolded his colossal scheme. "By way +of preface," remarked the great literary _impresario_, "let me call +your attention to the momentous statement made by the Editor of _The +Athenaeum_ in the issue of May 7th: 'We doubt whether there has ever +been a generation of men of letters so startlingly uneducated as this, +so little interested in the study of the great writers before +them.' The Editor of _The Athenaeum_ takes a most gloomy view of +the situation, which is fraught with an atmosphere of hostility and +suspicion inimical to a revival of criticism. Yet he sees in such +a revival the only way of salvation, the only means of healing the +internecine feud which is now convulsing the young literary world. + +"For my own part I am convinced that a better way is to lure back the +modernists to a study of great writers by presenting them in a more +palatable form, not by compressing or abridging them--for that has +been tried before--but by having them re-written in conformity with +present-day standards by eminent contemporary writers. This notion had +been germinating in my head for some time past, but I did not see my +way clear until I read the luminous and epoch-making remark of Mr. +C. K. SHORTER, that he would sooner have written _Tom Jones_ than any +book published these two hundred years. In a moment, in a flash, my +scheme took shape. 'He shall write it, or rather re-write it,' I said +to myself, and I have already submitted to this eminent man of letters +my rough _scenario_ of the lines on which FIELDING'S novel should +be brought home to the Georgian mind. In reply he has made a +counter-suggestion that the characters should be rearranged on a +Victorian basis, CHARLOTTE BRONTE replacing _Sophia_, THACKERAY _Mr. +Allworthy_, while the title-role should be assigned to an enterprising +publisher. But I am not without hope that he will adopt my plan. + +"The revival of interest in the works of RICHARDSON, the other great +eighteenth-century novelist, is, I think I may safely say, a foregone +conclusion. Miss DOROTHY RICHARDSON has enthusiastically welcomed +the proposition that she should reconstruct the romances of her +illustrious namesake, and confidently expects, on the basis of the +method employed by her in _The Tunnel_, that she will be able to +excavate at least a hundred volumes from the materials supplied in +_Sir Charles Grandison_ and _Clarissa Harlowe_. + +"Nor shall we overlook the earlier masters. Professor CHAMBERLIN, +whose thrilling lectures on QUEEN ELIZABETH and Lord LEICESTER +have been the talk of the town for the last fortnight, has kindly +undertaken to organise a new _variorum_ version of the Plays of +SHAKSPEARE, with the assistance of Mr. LOONEY, the writer of the +recently-published and final work on the authorship of the plays. +MILTON will be presented in both verse and prose, Mr. MASEFIELD having +promised to re-write his epic in six-lined rhymed stanzas, shorn of +Latinisms; while a famous novelist, who does not wish her name to +appear at present, has consented to recast it in the form of a romance +under the title of _The Miseries of Mephistopheles_. + +"Returning to the eighteenth century, I am glad to be able to say +that a brilliant reconstruction of POPE'S _Dunciad_ is promised by +the SITWELL family, in which the milk-and-water school is held up to +ridicule, with TENNYSON in the place of dishonour formerly occupied by +THEOBALD. With a magnanimity that cannot be too highly commended, the +staff of _The Times_ has undertaken to adapt another forgotten work +under the title of _Grey's Eulogy_, with special reference to the work +of the League of Nations. + +"I confess to feeling rather doubtful as to the possibility of +reviving any interest in the works of SCOTT, DICKENS and THACKERAY. +They are at once too near and too far. Still I hope to persuade Miss +REBECCA WEST to try her hand at _Vanity Fair_. Then there is GEORGE +ELIOT, another uncertain quantity, though perhaps something might +be made of _The Mill on the Floss_ if it were renamed _Tulliver's +Travels_, and given an up-to-date industrial atmosphere by Mr. ARNOLD +BENNETT. I have my eye on Mr. LYTTON STRACHEY as the man who could +make a fine modern version of _Tom Brown's Schooldays_. At the moment +he is too busy with his _Life of Queen VICTORIA_, but I feel sure he +will not lightly abandon so splendid an opportunity of unmasking the +pedantry and pietism of Dr. ARNOLD and throwing the white light of +truth on 'Rugby Chapel.'" + + * * * * * + +BIRD CALLS. + +III. + + The robin helps to brighten Winter days + And, if you listen carefully, he says, + "Oh please, oh please do leave some crumbs for me;" + It's greed, but still he says it cheerily. + + The starling rolls his "r's" with unctuous joy + And, preening, wonders whom he may annoy, + Then imitates a hen, a water-fowl + And next the "Be quick" of a white barn-owl. + + The heron has a fierce and yellow eye + And eats up all our fishes on the sly; + There seems to be but one he deigns to like, + For all I hear him say is simply "Pike." + + Tree-creepers, like some busy brown field-mice, + Unwearying chase the furtive fat wood-lice, + Then round the oak-tree's bole they slyly peep + And tell you what you thought you knew--"We creep." + + This is the way the sparrow calls his mate; + He says it early and he says it late, + He says it softly, but he says it clear: + "Come unto me, come unto me, my dear." + + * * * * * + +DRESS AT THE CURZON WEDDING. + + "Princess ---- wore a black hat, a cloak of tailless ermine, + and a black and silver toque." + + _Daily Telegraph._ + + "Then came Mrs. ---- in a dull golf hat." + + _Daily Graphic._ + +As a protest, we suppose, against the other lady's extravagance in +wearing a couple of hats. + + *** + + "John ----, a coloured man, was charged with using obscure + language in Maria Street. The magistrates fined him + 5s."--_Welsh Paper._ + +Most unfair! Lots of men do the very same thing in Parliament and get +paid four hundred pounds a year for it. + + *** + +Heading from pp. 516, 517 of _Punch's_ official rival, _The Telephone +Directory_: + + "SUBSCRIBERS SHOULD NOT ENGAGE ****** THE TELEPHONISTS IN + CONVERSATION." + +We should ourselves have placed the asterisks after the word "THE." + + * * * * * + +ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS. + +[Illustration: STUDY OF A CHILD, SOME GOATS AND A HORSE. THE HORSE IS +FULL OF FIRE AND LOOKS AS IF HE HAD JUST SPRUNG FROM HIS ROCKERS.] + +[Illustration: "DOUBLE OR QUIT." A SPORTING OFFER BY A PROFITEERING +LANDLORD.] + +[Illustration: _Fair Rosamond._ "OH, MY GOODNESS! IS THAT A DAGGER?" + +_Queen Elinor._ "QUITE RIGHT, BUT IT'S ONLY TO HEIGHTEN THE DRAMATIC +EFFECT. I KNEW YOU WOULD PREFER POISON."] + +[Illustration: THE EXHAUSTED SITTER AND THE INEXORABLE ARTISTS.] + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PRIZE-FIGHTERS REMOVING A HEAVY-WEIGHT +CHAMPION AFTER HIS DEFEAT.] + +[Illustration: WINDOW-DRESSING IS NOW ONE OF THE FINE ARTS. A CHARMING +GROUP OF WAX FIGURES MADE TO THE ORDER OF MESSRS. WHITERIDGE.] + +[Illustration: _Excited Bather._ "SOMETHING QUEER ABOUT THESE ROCKS. +ONE OF THEM IS TICKLING ME ON THE BACK!"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"WHY MARRY?" + +This is a protracted discussion of a venerable topic and takes place +in a sun-parlour, which I regret to say is the brightest thing about +it. + +_John_ is a dollar-snob--it is _John's_ parlour--and has two sisters, +_Jean_ and _Helen_. _John_ is easily the heavy-weight champion in +stage brothers. Sister _Jean_, who is entirely dependent on _John_, +loves a poor man, but under _John's_ guidance traps a rich one. Sister +_Helen_ (who has a job) also loves a poor man, but thinks marriage not +good enough. This was, I imagine, due chiefly to living with _John_ +and _Mrs. John_. She may have got a touch of the sun-parlour. Her +man is a terrific young scientist, who once with four colleagues +deliberately let a dangerous Cuban mosquito nibble his arm. The +colleagues died while _Ernest_ survived, which I regretted. However he +became demonstrator at the Institute of Bacteriology, with _Helen_ as +his assistant, and in the excitement of the imminent discovery of +his new bacillus the two spend the night in the laboratory totally +unchaperoned. The discovery saved thousands of American babes, but it +ruined _Helen's_ reputation. + +Here the narrative becomes confused, but anyhow _John_, who was a +trustee of the Institute, spent the three Acts in alternately sacking +and reinstating _Helen_ and _Ernest_, in thinking of a salary, +doubling it, adding thousands of dollars to it and taking away the +salary first thought of, together with the additions (and so _da +capo_), according as he wished to prevent the marriage because of +_Ernest's_ poverty, or bring it off because of _Ernest's_ disposition +to take _Helen_ to Paris (France) and dispense with empty rites, or +postpone it to gain time, or, on the contrary, have it celebrated +between the dressing and the dinner gongs in order to announce it +to important members of the family, who, if I understood the butler +aright, had already fallen on their food while host and hostess, two +pairs of lovers, Uncle _Everett_ and Cousin _John_ were bickering in +the sun-parlour. + +Cousin _Theodore_, a guileless and dollarless clergyman, padded about +on the outskirts of the discussion, making obvious remarks about the +sanctity of marriage and enunciating the highest principles, which he +promptly swallowed. But it was Uncle _Everett_, the judge (the only +human figure in the bunch), who grasped the fact (long after I did, +but let that pass) that the two principal young egotists simply loved +being talked over at such gross length. To put an end to the business +he used a trick whereby, apparently according to the law of the +unnamed State in which the parlour was situate, the two were legally +married without intending it. They had the tact to accept this +solution, and this softened my heart towards them for the first time. + +It was amusing to see Mr. AUBREY SMITH wondering how on earth he had +got into this play, and Mr. A. E. GEORGE prowling about the stage +intent apparently on showing how many ways there are of uttering +"Pshaw!" and "Tut-tut!" or noise to that effect. It isn't as easy as +it ought to be to do justice to players playing impossible parts; to +Miss HENRIETTA WATSON struggling pluckily and skilfully with her +_Mrs. John_; or to Mr. COWLEY WRIGHT or Miss ROSA LYND, so perfectly +appalling did _Ernest_ and _Helen_ seem to me and so anxious was I +to get them off to Paris respectably or otherwise. They never, by the +way, gave me the faintest impression that they could ever have done +work of any value in their laboratory. + +I have no idea what the moral of this modern mystery play may be, but +I did gather that the authoress was seriously perplexed, not perhaps +in any startlingly new way, about the difficulties of marriage and the +conventional hypocrisies that hedge round that honourable institution, +but just forgot that serious argument cannot easily be conveyed +through the medium of fantastically impossible and uninteresting +people in an extravagantly farcical situation. The play was kindly +received. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHY MARRY?" + +_Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH (Uncle Everett)._ "DO _YOU_ KNOW THE ANSWER?" + +_Miss HENRIETTA WATSON (Lucy)._ "THERE ARE A GOOD MANY QUESTIONS +ABOUT THIS PLAY THAT I WOULDN'T CARE TO HAVE TO ANSWER."] + + * * * * * + +THE MADNESS OF THE MACNAMARA. + +(_From the Gaelic--with apologies to BON GAULTIER._) + + Weefrees swore a feud + Against the clan McGeorgy; + Marched to Leamington + To hold a pious orgy; + For they did resolve + To extirpate the vipers + With thirty stout M.P.s + And all the Northsquith "pipers." + + "Lads," said HOGGE and BENN + To their faithful scholars, + "We shall need to fight + To retain the dollars; + Here's MHIC-MAC-NAMARA + Coming with his henchmen, + HEWART, KELLAWAY + And several Front-Bench men." + + *** + + "Coot-tay to you, Sirs," + Said MHIC-MAC-NAMARA + In a voice that reached + From Leamington to Tara; + "So you'd drum us out + To enjoy your plunder, + Adding to a crime + Suicidal blunder." + + But the brave Weefrees, + Heedless of his bawling, + Drowned him with the storm + Of their caterwauling; + So MHIC-MAC-NAMARA + And the valiant KELLAWAY + Gave some warlike howls + And in haste got well away. + + In this sorry style + Died ta Liberal Party, + Which in days of old + Had been strong and hearty; + This, good Mr. Punch, + Is ta true edition; + Here's your fery coot health + And--bless ta Coalition! + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "We are glad to be able to state in reference to our Pastor + that, though much improved in health, he is still unfit to + resume his work amongst us."-- ---- _Congregational Magazine._ + + *** + + "This should bring joy to the heart of every resolutionary + Socialist." + + _The Workers' Dreadnought._ + +All the Socialists we have met answer to this description. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_P.-W. S. (otter-hunting for the first time)._ "TIRED? COOKED TO A +TURN! I WOULDN'T 'AVE COME SO FAR BUT ONE OF YOUR CHAPS TOLD ME YOU +'AD A STRONG DRAG UP THE RIVER AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ALL GO 'OME IN +IT. AND NOW 'E SAYS IT'S ONLY A SMELL 'E MEANT."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I should certainly call Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE our first living +expositor of London in fiction. Indeed the precision with which, from +his Italian home, he can recapture the aspect and atmosphere of London +neighbourhoods is itself an astonishing feat. In _The Vanity Girl_ +(CASSELL) he has happily abandoned the rather breathless manner +induced by the migratious _Sylvia Scarlett_, and returns to the +West Kensington of _Sinister Street_, blended subsequently with that +theatrical Bohemia in which _Jenny Pearl_ danced her little tragedy. +There is something (though by no means all) of the interest of +_Carnival_ in the new stage story; that the adventures of _Dorothy_ +lack the compelling charm of her predecessor is inevitable from the +difference in temperament of the two heroines and the fact that +Mr. MACKENZIE with all his art has been unable to rouse more than +dispassionate interest in what is really a study of successful +egotism. From the moment when, in the first chapter, we encounter +_Dorothy_ (whose real name was _Norah_) washing her hair at a window +in Lonsdale Road, an eligible _cul-de-sac_ ending in a railway line, +beyond which a high rampart marked the reverse of the Earl's Court +Exhibition panorama, to that final page on which we take leave of +her as a widowed countess, sacrificing her future for the sake of +an Earl's Court of a different _genre_, her career, sentimental, +financial and matrimonial, is told with amazing vivacity but a rather +conspicuous lack of emotional appeal. It is perhaps an unequal +book; in parts as good as the author's best, in others hurried and +perfunctory. One of our more superior Reviews was lately debating Mr. +MACKENZIE'S command of the "memorable phrase." There are a score here +that I should delight to quote, even if the setting is not always +entirely worthy of them. + + *** + +So long as "BERTA RUCK" will write for us such pretty books as +_Sweethearts Unmet_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), we need never feel +ourselves dependent on America for our supply of sugary novels. This +home-grown variety is just as sweet, and really, I think, may be +guaranteed not only harmless but positively beneficial. The authoress +has evidently a tender pity for the young men and women whom our +social conditions doom either to have no companions among their +contemporaries or only the wrong ones. Her heroine represents the +too-much-sheltered girl alone in an elderly circle, her hero the +lonely young man who has no means of getting to know people of his own +sort (I can't say class, because the authoress seems rather uncertain +about that herself). Her story is written in alternate instalments by +"the boy" and "the girl," a method which encourages intimacy in the +telling as well as a sort of gushing attention to the reader not so +pleasant. Miss NORA SCHLEGEL has drawn a pretty picture of _Julia_ and +_Jack_ to adorn the wrapper, and I can assure everyone who cares to +know it that they are just as nice as they look; _Jack's_ passion for +abbreviation ("rhodos" for rhododendrons) being the only ground of +quarrel I have with them or their creator. + + *** + +In _Passion_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. SHAW DESMOND desperately wants to +say something terrific about love, money and power. His violence makes +one feel that one is reading under a shower of brickbats, and it is +the effort of dodging these which perhaps distracts the mind from his +message. (Is he a Marinettist, I wonder?) There are not enough words +in the language for him, so he invents fresh ones at will; while as +for grammar and syntax he passionately throttled them in Chapter I.; +nor did they recover. I will own that notwithstanding all this the +author has a way of making you read on to find out what it is all +about. You don't find out; but there, life's like that, isn't it? The +author's ideas of the operations of high finance are ingenuous. The +_Mandrill_ (do I rightly guess this to be a portrait distorted from +the life?), who is out to corner copper and "do down" the _Squid_ +(head of the opposing copper group), is, if you are to judge by his +passionate exuberance at board meetings, about as likely to corner the +green cheese in the moon. I imagine the author saying, "_Mandrills_ +mayn't be like that, but that's how I see 'em. It's my vision and mood +that matter. Take it or leave it." Well, on the whole I should advise +you to take it, first putting on a sort of mental tin hat. You'll at +least have gathered that Mr. DESMOND is a lively writer. + + *** + +Of a war-story reviewed in these pages some months ago I remember +taking occasion to say that the author had damaged his effect by a too +obvious wish to injure the reputation of a certain cavalry brigade +(or words to that effect). Well, a book that I have just been +reading, _The Squadroon_ (LANE), might in some sense be regarded as +a counterblast to the former volume, since its writer, Major ARDERN +BEAMAN, D.S.O., has admittedly intended it as a vindication of the +work of the cavalry in the Great War. I can say at once that the +defence could scarcely have found a better advocate. Major BEAMAN +(who, I think superfluously, figures in his own pages in the fictional +character of Padre) has written one of the most interesting records +that I have read of personal experience on the Western Front. Partly +this is explained by his fortunate possession of a style at once +sincere, sanely balanced and always engaging. Also his story, apart +from the matter of it, reveals in the men of whom he writes (and +incidentally in the writer himself) a combination of just those +qualities that we like to call essentially British. Cavalrymen of +course will read it with a special fervour; but I am mistaken if +its genial temper does not disarm even so difficult a critic as the +ex-infantry Lieutenant--than which I could hardly say more. In short, +_The Squadroon_ is a belated war book in which the most weary of such +matters may well recapture their interest. + + *** + +Written in the last great ebb and flow of the War, when the censorship +still prevented anything like carping criticism of matters near +the battle-front, _The Glory of the Coming_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) +naturally resolves itself into a paean of praise of the French and +British armies in general and the American troops in particular, both +white and black. Mr. IRVIN S. COBB brings good credentials to his +task, for he saw the advance of the German army through Belgium in +1914, and in this book he describes the combined resistance to their +last great effort before defeat. The accident, if we may so call it, +to the Fifth Army has had nowhere a more eloquent apologist. "They +were like ants; they were like flies," he says of the Germans; "they +left their dead lying so thickly behind that finally the ground seemed +as though it were covered with a grey carpet." There are interesting +strictures in the later chapters on some of the quaint semi-official +delegations and personages who persuaded the United States Government +to let them come over and visit the War; and there are a number of +quite good yarns of the Yankee private, related in the Yankee style. +But better than all the American stories I think I like that of the +Bedfordshire soldier who, when asked by the writer to direct him to +Blerincourt during the chaos of the great retreat, replied, "I am +rather a stranger in these parts myself." Perhaps by the way I ought +to make it quite clear that the title refers to the coming of the +American troops, and that, although the line, "He is trampling out the +vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored," is also quoted in the +prefatory stanza, there is nothing in the book about Mr. "PUSSYFOOT" +JOHNSON. + + *** + +I suppose the War did throw up a great number of worthy pomposities +genuinely eager to serve their country in some conspicuous and +applauded way, and old _Mr. Thompson_, the principal figure in _Young +Hearts_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), may be taken, on the authority of J. +E. BUCKROSE, as an East Riding variant of the type. He had always some +patent scheme for winning the War or improving the Peace, and no doubt +deserved all the ragging he got, though I lost my zest in the matter +before the author did. _Mr. Thompson_ had two daughters: a minx +(almost too minx-like for belief) and a never-told-her-love maiden of +sterling worth. The latter marries the good-young-man-under-a-cloud +(the cloud was, of course, a misapprehension or, alternatively, had a +silver lining), though the minx shamelessly tried to "bag him," as she +did every eligible male, the good sister tamely submitting under the +impression apparently that the other was a perfect darling. I indeed +seemed to be the only person who really understood what a little beast +she was--and possibly the author, who finally allotted to her the +beautiful unsatisfactory young man with the emotional tenor. Commended +for easy seaside reading. + + * * * * * + +TO RECALCITRANT HOUSE-OWNERS: Let and let live. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ["I hear of a seaside hotel whose proprietors have +instructed their staff never to correct the pronunciation or use of +a word by a guest. If it is necessary to use the same term in the +conversation the guest's form of it is the one to be used; it saves a +lot of irritation, if not actual humiliation."--_Daily News._] + +_Waiter (with anticipative tact) to holiday customer._ "ANY HORSE +DOOVERS, SIR?"] + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, May 19, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 *** + +***** This file should be named 25591.txt or 25591.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/5/9/25591/ + +Produced by Nigel Blower, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |