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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+May 19, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, May 19, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: May 25, 2008 [EBook #25591]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+May 19th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A Swedish scientist has invented a new building material called
+sylvenselosit. It is said to cost one-fifth the price of the building
+material in use in this country, which is known to the trade as
+wishyumagetit.
+
+       ***
+
+A folding motor-car is said to have been invented which has a greater
+speed than any other car. The next thing that requires inventing is a
+folding pedestrian to cope with it.
+
+       ***
+
+Berlin manufacturers are experimenting in making clothing from
+nettles. This is a chance that the nettle has long been waiting for.
+
+       ***
+
+A business magazine suggests that a series of afternoon chats with
+business men should be arranged. Our war experience of morning back
+chats at the grocer's is not encouraging.
+
+       ***
+
+The capture of General CARRANZA, says a Vera Cruz message, was a
+mistake on the part of General SANCHEZ. We trust this does not mean
+that they will have to start the thing all over again.
+
+       ***
+
+Those who understand the Mexican trouble say it is doubtful whether
+America can deal with this war until the Presidential election is
+over. One war at a time is the American motto.
+
+       ***
+
+We gather from a contemporary that people who have been ordering
+large stocks of coal in the hope of escaping the new prices will be
+disappointed. Still, they may get in ahead of the next advance.
+
+       ***
+
+The inventor of the silent typewriter is now in London. We seem to
+know the telephone which gave him the idea.
+
+       ***
+
+A man at Bow Street Court complained that the Black Maria which
+conveyed him there was very stuffy. Some prisoners say that this
+vehicle is so unhealthy as to drive custom away from the Court.
+
+       ***
+
+Fruit blight threatens to be serious this year, says a daily paper,
+and drastic action should be taken against the apple weevil. A very
+good plan is to make an imitation apple of iron and then watch the
+weevil snap at it and break off its teeth.
+
+       ***
+
+One North of England workman is said to be in a bit of a hole. It
+seems that he has mislaid his strike-fixture card.
+
+       ***
+
+Immediately after a football match at Londonderry, one of the players
+was shot in the leg by an opponent. The latter claims that he never
+heard the whistle blow.
+
+       ***
+
+Dr. EUGENE FISK, President of the Life Extension Institute, promises
+by scientific means to prolong human life for nineteen hundred years.
+If this is the doctor's idea of a promise we would rather not know
+what he would call a threat.
+
+       ***
+
+Wood for making pianos, says a weekly journal, is often kept for
+forty years. "And even this," writes "Jaded Parent," "is not half long
+enough."
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the man who was seen laughing at Newport last week,
+it is only fair to point out that he was not a ratepayer, but was only
+visiting the place.
+
+       ***
+
+LARRY LEMON, says _The Sunday Express_, is considered to be better
+than CHARLIE CHAPLIN. As he is quite a young man, however, it is
+possible that he may yet grow out of it.
+
+       ***
+
+The Clerk of the oldest City Company writes to _The Times_ to say that
+his Livery has resolved to drink no champagne at its feasts. Meanwhile
+other predictions as to the end of the world should be treated with
+reserve.
+
+       ***
+
+After the statement in court by Mr. Justice DARLING people
+contemplating marriage should book early for divorce if they want to
+avoid the rush.
+
+       ***
+
+"Why Marry?" says the title of a new play. While no valid reason
+appears to exist many declare that it is a small price to pay for the
+satisfaction of being divorced.
+
+       ***
+
+Three-fourths of the public only buy newspapers to read the
+advertisements, says a contemporary. It would be interesting to know
+what the others buy them for.
+
+       ***
+
+"Few people seem to realise," says a cinema gossip, "that Miss S.
+Eaden, the American film actress, is fond of tulips." We are ashamed
+to confess that we had not fully grasped this fact.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that one newspaper has decided that May 24th shall be the
+opening date for ceasing to notice the cuckoo. Will correspondents
+please note?
+
+       ***
+
+"Things are unsettled in Ireland," says a gossip writer. We think
+people should be more careful what they say. Scandal like this might
+get about.
+
+       ***
+
+A certain golf club has petitioned the local Council for permission
+to play golf "in a modified form." Members who recently heard the
+Club Colonel playing out of the bunker at the seventh declare that no
+substantial modification is possible.
+
+       ***
+
+A new invention for motorists makes a buzzing sound when the petrol
+tank is getting low. This is nothing compared with the motor-taxes
+invented by the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, which make the motorist
+himself whistle.
+
+       ***
+
+In the opinion of a weekly paper no dog can stand the sound of
+bagpipes without setting up a howl. This only goes to prove, what we
+have always contended, that dogs are almost human.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "WHY DOES YOUR SERVANT GO ABOUT THE HOUSE
+WITH HER HAT ON?"
+
+_MISTRESS._ "OH, SHE'S A NEW GIRL. SHE ONLY CAME THIS MORNING, AND
+HASN'T YET MADE UP HER MIND WHETHER SHE'LL STAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIBERAL BREACH.
+
+(_As viewed dispassionately by a looker-on._)
+
+  WHEN dog with dog elects to fight
+    I take no hand in such disputes,
+  Knowing how hard they both would bite
+    Should I attempt to part the brutes.
+
+  So in the case of man and wife
+    My rooted habit it has been,
+  When they engage in privy strife,
+    Never to go and barge between.
+
+  Nor do I join the fighting front
+    When Liberal sections disagree,
+  One on the Coalition stunt
+    And one on that of Freedom (Wee).
+
+  Though tempted, when I see them tear
+    Each other's eyes, to say, "Be good!"
+  As an outsider I forbear,
+    Fearing to be misunderstood.
+
+  Fain would I use my gift of tact
+    And take a mediatorial line,
+  But shrewdly recognise the fact
+    That this is no affair of mine.
+
+  Yet may I venture to deplore
+    A great tradition cheaply prized,
+  And yonder, on the Elysian shore,
+    The ghost of GLADSTONE scandalised.
+
+  But most for him I mourn in vain
+    Whom Fate has dealt so poor a fist
+  (Recalling SHAKSPEARE'S gloomy Dane,
+    That solid-fleshed soliloquist)--
+
+  O curs�d spite that he was born
+    (ASQUITH, I mean) to close the breach
+  And save a party all forlorn
+    By mere rotundity of speech.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LIAR'S MASTERPIECE.
+
+My friend Arthur's hobby is the stupendous. He conceives himself to
+be the direct successor of the medi�val travel-story merchants.
+War-tales, of course, are barred to him, for nothing is too improbable
+to have happened during the War, and all the best lies were used by
+professionals while Arthur was still serving. Once, however, in his
+career he has realised his ambition to be taken for a perfect liar,
+and that time he happened to be speaking the simple truth. I was his
+referee and he did it in this wise.
+
+When ALLENBY was making his last great drive against the Turk, he was
+no doubt happy in the knowledge that Arthur and I were pushing East
+through Bulgaria to take his adversary in the rear. We pushed with
+speed and address, but just when it looked as if we should exchange
+the tactical for the practical we stopped and rusticated at the hamlet
+of Skeetablista, on the Turco-Bulgarian frontier.
+
+Skeetablista was under the control of Marko and Stefan and an assorted
+following of Bulgar cut-throats. Although the mutual hatchet had been
+interred a bare three weeks we found ourselves among friends. Thomas
+Atkins was soon talking Bulgarian with ease and fluency, while his
+"so-called superiors," as the company Bolshevik put it, celebrated the
+occasion by an international dinner in Marko's quarters. The dinner
+consisted chiefly of rum (provided by us) and red pepper (provided by
+Marco and Stefan).
+
+These latter were bright and eager youths from Sofia military academy,
+and while the rum and red pepper passed gaily round they talked the
+shop of their Bulgarian Sandhurst in a queer mixture of English
+and French. They made living figures for us of the KAISER, who had
+inspected them not long before, of FERDIE and of BORIS his son, and
+told moving tales of British gunfire from the wrong end. We countered
+with KITCHENER, LLOYD GEORGE and the British Navy, while outside in
+the night the Thracian wolves howled derisively at both alike.
+
+"I should like plenty to travel away and see the other countries,"
+said Marko, rolling us cigarettes after dinner. "This is a good
+country, but _ennuyant_. 'Ow the wolfs make plenty _brouhaha_
+to-night, _hein_? Stefan, did you command the guard to conduct our
+frien's 'ome?"
+
+Stefan waggled his head from side to side in assent.
+
+"Yes," continued Marko, "to see Italie, Paris, Londres. Particulierly
+Londres."
+
+"I live in London," Arthur remarked.
+
+"You live?" said Marko with interest. "Tell me, 'ow great is Londres?"
+
+"How great?" repeated Arthur, doubtful what kind of greatness was
+indicated, moral or material.
+
+"_Oui_, 'ow great? From one side to the other side?"
+
+"Oh, I see," replied Arthur, and took thought. "About twenty-five
+kilometres, I suppose."
+
+"Twenty-five!" Marko's eyes rounded with astonishment. "_�coute,
+Stefan; vingt-cinq kilom�tres._"
+
+"But--but," demanded Stefan, "'ow many people is there?"
+
+"About six millions," replied Arthur, swelling with pleasure. At last
+he had found his incredulous audience.
+
+"But that is a nation! I do not know if there are so many in all
+Bulgarie," cried Marko. "'Ow do they travel? No droski could go so
+far--it is a day's march. But perhaps you 'ave tramway? In Sofia we
+'ave tramway," he added, not without pride.
+
+"There are trams, but most of the people travel in buses----"
+
+"Bussesse?" interjected Stefan. "_Qu' est-ce que c'est_, bussesse?"
+
+"Lorries--_camions_. Big automobiles containing many people. And there
+are also underground railways, railways under the ground in a tunnel.
+You know tunnels?"
+
+"_Oui, galleria._ But a railway under a town--_mon Dieu!_" said Marko,
+appalled. "'Ow do the people descend to it?"
+
+"In lifts--_ascenseurs_. From the street."
+
+Stefan nodded assent. "I 'ave seen _ascenseurs_ at Sofia," he said.
+
+"In these tunnels," continued Arthur, visibly warming to his work,
+"trains go to all parts of the town every three minutes, and the cost
+is only twenty _statinki_. The streets above are paved with wood."
+
+"With _wood! Kolossal!_" said Marko, forgetting our prejudice
+against Bosch idiom in his wonder at this crowning marvel.
+
+To what lengths of veracity Arthur would have gone I never knew,
+for at that moment a trampling of feet and a hoarse command outside
+announced the arrival of our escort, and Marko, still in a sort of
+walking swoon of amazement, went out to give them their orders.
+
+Stefan regarded us with twinkling eyes.
+
+"Ah, _farceur!_" he remarked, shaking his finger waggishly at Arthur.
+"I know all the time you make the joke, but poor Marko, you 'ave
+deceived 'im _absolument_. Railway under the ground, streets of wood,
+'e swallow it all. Oh, naughty _Baroutchik!_"
+
+The wolves did not come near us and our escort on our way home,
+but they could have had Arthur for the taking. At the moment he had
+nothing left to live for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Johannesburg tramway men started a lightning strike on
+    Thursday owing to the suspension of a conductor."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+It seems a logical reason.
+
+       ***
+
+    "Do not waste any time in entering for our 'Hidden' Geography
+    Competition."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Thanks for the advice; we won't.
+
+       ***
+
+    "LINACRE LECTURE.--Dr. Henry Head, F.R.L., 'Aspasia and
+    Kindred Disorders of the Speech.'"--_Cambridge Calendar._
+
+Yet this is the lady who is supposed to have inspired the most famous
+of PERICLES' orations.
+
+       ***
+
+    "Furnished Railway Carriage in Surrey garden to Let; 3 beds;
+    company's water, gas-cooker, and light: 2gs. weekly."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Miss DAISY ASHFORD seems to have foreseen this development when she
+wrote of _Mr. Salteena's_ "compartments."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RELUCTANT THRUSTER.
+
+MR. ASQUITH (_performing the function of a battering-ram_). "I CONFESS
+THAT AT MY TIME OF LIFE I SHOULD HAVE PREFERRED A MORE SEDENTARY IF
+LESS HONORIFIC SPHERE OF USEFULNESS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Profiteer (after trying a variety of patterns without
+success)._ "WELL, IT LOOKS PRETTY 'OPELESS WHEN THEY WON'T 'AVE A GOLD
+FLY. WHAT DO THEY EXPECT--DIAMONDS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERSONAL TOUCH.
+
+(_By our tireless Political Penetrator._)
+
+For some time past, I understand, the Government has been considering
+steps to bring the personalities of Cabinet Ministers more prominently
+into the public eye. "We are not sufficiently known," said Sir WILLIAM
+SUTHERLAND, who has the matter in hand, "as living palpitating figures
+to the man in the street. We do not grip the nation's heart. We lack
+pep."
+
+I told him that it was a pity about pep. I felt that the Government
+ought to have pep. and plenty of it. If possible they ought to have
+vineg. and must. too.
+
+"You are right," he said. "Occasional paragraphs in the Press,
+snapshots which take us very likely with one leg stuck out in front
+as if we were doing the goose-step, rare provincial excursions and
+bouquets from admiring mill-girls are all very well in their way, but
+they are nothing to constant personal appearances at stated times
+and in stated places before an admiring mob. The heroes of sport are
+overshadowing us," he continued with a sigh, pushing me over a box of
+cigars.
+
+"What are you going to do about it?" I asked, lighting one and putting
+another carefully behind my ear.
+
+"You must remember first," he replied, "that this is quite a modern
+difficulty. Statesmen of the past used to make their leisurely
+progress through the town surrounded by retainers on horseback, or
+in sedan-chairs, beautifully dressed and scattering largesse as they
+went. THOMAS � BECKET, the great Primate and Chancellor, used to have
+poor men to dine with him and crowds thronging round to bless him.
+To-day, I suppose, JOE BECKETT in his flowered dressing-gown would
+be a more popular figure than Lord BIRKENHEAD and the Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY, if you can imagine them rolled into one. In CHARLES II.'s
+reign, when politicians used to play _p�le-m�le_ where the great Clubs
+are now, anyone could rub shoulders with my lord of BUCKINGHAM and,
+if he was lucky, get a swipe across the shins with the ducal mallet
+itself. That is the kind of thing we want now.
+
+"I had thoughts of running popular excursions down to Walton Heath,
+but I am not sure that the people would care to go so far even to see
+Sir ERIC GEDDES carrying the home green and Lord RIDDELL--the Riddell
+of the sands, as we call him affectionately down there--getting out of
+a difficult bunker. So I am trying to arrange for a few putting greens
+in railed-off spaces in St. James's Park near the pelicans, and we
+also propose to hold there on fine summer days the breakfast parties
+for which the PRIME MINISTER is so famous. We shall make a point
+of throwing not only crumbs to the birds, but slices of bread and
+marmalade to the more indigent spectators. We shall also try to get
+two or three open squash racket courts in Whitehall, so that on hot
+summer days the most carping critic who watches a rally between Mr.
+AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the SECRETARY OF STATE for WAR will have to
+admit that we are doing our utmost to eliminate waste-products."
+
+"But what about the clothes and the stately progress and the
+largesse?" I asked; the largesse idea had struck me with particular
+force.
+
+"We are thinking of goat carriages and overalls for economy," he said,
+"and the largesse cannot, I am afraid, be allowed for in the Treasury
+Estimates. But we shall certainly scatter a handful or two of O.B.E.'s
+as we go."
+
+"And how will you deal with the country and the outer suburbs?" I
+asked when my admiration had partially subsided.
+
+"Ah, there you have the Cinema," replied Sir WILLIAM enthusiastically.
+"We are going to make great strides with the Cinema. Our first film,
+which is now in preparation, deals with the Leamington episode and has
+been very carefully staged. It has been necessary, of course, in
+the interests of art to elaborate the actual incidents to a certain
+extent. Coalition Liberals, for instance, were obliged to board the
+train in the traditional manner of the screen, leaping on to it whilst
+in motion and climbing, some by way of the brakes and buffers, some
+along the roofs of the carriages, into their reserved compartment.
+Then again we could not reassemble the actual gathering of Wee Frees
+to represent the enemy, but we secured the services of actors well
+trained in Wild West and "crook" parts, capably led by those two
+prominent comedians, _Mr. Mutt_ and _Mr. Jeff_. The film ends, of
+course, with the second meeting at the Central Hall, Westminster,
+when _Messrs. Mutt_ and _Jeff_ again appear as comic and objectionable
+interrupters, and are ignominiously hurled into the street.
+
+"Very soon we hope to have all important Parliamentary debates filmed.
+It will be essential, of course, to provide some comic relief, and we
+are relying confidently on certain Members to practise the wearing
+of mobile moustaches and to take lessons in the stagger, the butter
+slide, the business with the cane and the quick reversal of the hat."
+
+"In short you think politics should be more spectacular?"
+
+"That's it," he said. "HOBBS the mammoth hitter and a little less of
+the _Leviathan_."
+
+Greatly impressed I bit off the end of his second cigar and went back
+to the office to look up _Leviathan_.
+
+V.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "DEAR ME! C-CAN I DO ANYTHING?"
+
+_Airman._ "THANKS, BUT REALLY I THINK I'VE DONE ALL THERE IS TO BE
+DONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OPTIMIST.
+
+    "The pastor of the ---- Congregational Church has been ordered
+    by his medical adviser to take a rest. The rev. gentleman
+    is therefore spending a fortnight's holiday in
+    Ireland."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       ***
+
+    "During the period of waiting before the bridal party
+    appeared, the organist played Wagner's 'Bridal Chorus,' and
+    'Cradle Song' (Guilmant)."--_West Country Paper._
+
+The organist seems to have been rather a forward fellow.
+
+       ***
+
+With the Polo-season imminent we feel that we must not withhold from
+intending players the admirable and disinterested advice given in an
+Indian Trade circular:--
+
+    "The skill of a polo player lies in his well management of
+    horse in the turmoil of Play. Ill-weighed Polo sticks make the
+    situation worse if the horse is not so kept.
+
+    We try our best to construct Polo sticks in such a way as
+    may help the player in the blur of game and put him in a more
+    progressing mood.
+
+    Make a real pleasure of your game and not labour as other
+    sticks than ours would tend to make it. A fond player would
+    like to give anything for a good stick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME-SICKNESS; OR, THE SINN FEINER ABROAD.
+
+(_After "The Lake Isle of Innisfree," with sincere apologies to Mr. W.
+B. YEATS._)
+
+  I will arise and go now to Galway or Tralee
+    And burgle someone's house there and plan a moonlight raid;
+  Ten live rounds will I have there to shoot at the R.I.C.
+          And wear a mask in the bomb-loud glade.
+
+  And I shall have great fun there, for fun comes fairly fast,
+    Bonfires in the purple heather and the barracks burning fine,
+  There midnight is a shindy and the noon is overcast
+          And evening full of the feet of kine.
+
+  I will arise and go now, for always in my sleep
+    There comes the sound of rifles and low moans on the shore;
+  I see the sudden ambush and hear the widows weep,
+          And I like that kind of war.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AURAL TUITION.
+
+The only other occupant of the carriage was a well dressed man of
+middle age, clad in English clothes, but from many slight signs
+palpably a foreigner of some sort.
+
+Soon after the train started I noticed that his mouth and throat were
+twitching and I surmised that he was about to speak. But speech is
+no term in which to describe the queer animal, vegetable and mineral
+sounds which issued from him. First his mouth opened slightly and he
+seemed about to sneeze. Next I was conscious of a scraping noise in
+his throat, accompanied by a slight ticking. It appeared that he was
+going to have a fit and I regretted that we were alone. The noise grew
+louder, took on speed and rose in a crescendo almost to a screech.
+Then a few more scrapes, as of a pencil on a slate, and I began to
+detect that he was speaking. His lips did not move, so that his voice
+had a curiously distant sound. Nevertheless the words were clearly
+audible.
+
+The following is what he said in a low, metallic monotone: "Good
+morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me what
+o'clock it is? I am much obliged. I wish to descend at Manchester.
+At what hour do we arrive there? There are few passengers to-day. The
+weather is fine. I beg your pardon if I do not make myself clear. I
+do not speak English perfectly as yet. No doubt I have need of much
+practice. Can I send a telegram from the next station? Is there a good
+hotel at Manchester? Will you do me the favour----"
+
+"Stop," I cried, after having several times opened my mouth to answer
+one or other of his questions.
+
+As soon as I spoke the words ended with a sudden click; the voice
+descended and became a scrape; at last silence.
+
+"My dear Sir," said I, "I shall be happy to give you any information
+I can if you will ask one question at a time. You evidently speak
+English very well indeed."
+
+His face lighted with approval of the compliment and then the whole
+performance began over again. Once more the wheeze, the scrape, the
+screech, the tick and all the rest of it. I became terrified at these
+painful impediments in his speech.
+
+I remembered that somebody had once told me what to do on such
+occasions. It was either to throw the patient upon his back and move
+his arms up and down in a travesty of rowing or to slap him violently
+on the back. Seeing that the stranger was several times larger than
+myself I chose with diffidence the latter course. Rising to my feet
+I turned him round and thumped his back vigorously. He received the
+treatment with amiable smiles. Next he produced from his pocket a
+booklet, which he handed to me with a polite bow, desisting entirely
+from his menagerie noises.
+
+I am of a nervous temperament and needed some minutes' rest in which
+to collect myself. Then I began to examine the stranger's gift.
+
+It was a well-printed pamphlet, obviously an advertisement:--
+
+  "HOW TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGES.
+  _The One Truly Scientific Method._
+
+The only way to acquire the real accent of the native is to listen
+repeatedly to the language spoken by a native. With our phonograph No.
+0034 and a selection of suitable records the student may listen for as
+many hours daily as he chooses to the voice of a native speaking his
+own language."
+
+Lower down I saw: "Contents of Records. No. 1, At the Hotel; No. 2, At
+the Railway Station; No. 3, In the Train." Ah! there it was--the whole
+monologue:--
+
+"Good morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell
+me----?"
+
+The explanation relieved me; I turned to my fellow-traveller.
+
+"My dear Sir," said I, "I congratulate you on being the perfect pupil.
+Your teacher, could it feel such emotions, would be proud of you. Only
+to an exceptional student can it be given so faithfully to reproduce
+'His Master's Voice.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIGURE-HEADS.
+
+  "You never see a decent figure-'ead,
+        Not now," Bill said;
+  "A fiddlin' bit o' scrollwork at the bow,
+        That's the most now;
+  But Lord! I've seen some beauties, more 'n a few,
+        An' some rare rum uns too.
+
+  "Folks in all sorts o' queer old-fashioned rigs,
+        Fellers in wigs,
+  Chaps in cocked 'ats an' 'elmets, lords an' dukes.
+        Folks out o' books,
+  Niggers in turbans, mandarins an' Moors,
+        And 'eathen gods by scores;
+
+  "An' women in all kinds o' fancy dresses--
+        Queens an' princesses,
+  Witches on broomsticks too, an' spankin' girls
+        With streamin' curls,
+  An' dragons an' sea serpents--Lord knows what
+        I've seen an' what I've not!
+
+  "An' some's in breakers' yards now, thick with grime
+        And weathered white wi' time;
+  An' some stuck up in gardens 'ere an' there
+        With plants for 'air;
+  An' no one left as knows but chaps like me
+  How fine wi' paint an' gold they used to be
+        In them old days at sea."
+
+C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BAG AND BAGGAGE."
+
+    "According to present arrangements the Turkish Peace Treaty
+    will be presented to the Turkish delegation on May 11 at
+    4 p.m. in the Cloak Room of the French Foreign
+    Office."--_Times._
+
+These ceremonies are usually conducted in the Salon de l'Horloge, but
+the new _venue_ was doubtless thought more appropriate for disposing
+of the Turkish _impedimenta_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THE STRIKE AGAINST THE PRICE OF CLOTHES IS SPREADING.
+
+[_Fashion Note._--Lady Germanda Speedwell was seen walking in the Park
+looking sweet in a rhubarb-leaf hat, the stalk worn at the side. Her
+corsage was of clinging ivy leaves, in contrast to the fuller effect
+of her banana-skin skirt. Her companion wore the usual morning-coat
+and kilt of grass, but struck a new note with a pumpkin hat.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAKING OF A CRISIS.
+
+[We are privileged to-day to publish an unwritten chapter from Mr. H.
+G. WELLS' _History of the World_. It is entitled "The Slime Age," and
+has a topical interest since it outlines the methods of production of
+the Crisis, the only article of which the supply to-day exceeds the
+demand.]
+
+Out of all this muddle and confusion and slipshod thinking there
+arose one man with a purpose, one man who fixed his eyes on a single
+inevitable goal and walked straight at it, not minding what or whom he
+trod upon on the way. His purpose was the mass-production of crises,
+and he created crises as rabbits create their young, nine at a time.
+In those fuddled incompetent days before the Great War the crisis
+was a little-known phenomenon. Here and there in the drab routine of
+peaceful corpulent years there flashed in the prosperous firmament
+the baleful light of a great anxiety. Agadir was one; CARSON and his
+gun-runners was another. But they were few; they came like rare comets
+and were forgotten.
+
+Then in the Great War a new habit was born in the minds of the people,
+the habit of crises. Even then at first they came decently, in ordered
+succession--Mons, Ypres, the Coalition, Gallipoli. But the people's
+craving was insatiable; the people cried for more crises.
+
+Then this man stood up and said to the people, "I will give you
+crises."
+
+And he did. Instead of a casual crisis here and there, to every year
+a crisis or two, he gave them a crisis every month, every week, every
+day, and still they were not satisfied. And so, at last, out of all
+the muddle and waste and pettifogging stupidity this man created
+crises as men create matches, by the gross. And this was how he
+created them:--
+
+_Extract from "The Slime," April 3rd, a paragraph in the Foreign
+Intelligence:--_
+
+"BOBADIG, _April 1st._
+
+"A party of French mules, passing to their quarters in the vilayet of
+Arimabug, were to-day attacked by an Australian sheep on the staff of
+the British Military Mission. It is feared that many of the mules were
+injured. Feeling runs high among the peasantry, incensed already by
+the failure of the British Government to provide mosquito-nets for the
+sacred goats."
+
+
+_Extract from a leading article in "The Slime," April 6th, on Land
+Tenure in Wales:--_
+
+" ... Parliament to-day will be occupied with the preposterous Budget
+proposals, but we hope our legislators will find time to press the
+PRIME MINISTER for an explanation of the outrageous incident at
+Bobadig reported in our columns last week. There is only too good
+reason to fear that the policy of alternate violence and inertia,
+against which we have so often protested, has at last inflamed the
+law-abiding animals of Bobadig ..."
+
+_From "The Slime" Special Correspondent:--_
+
+BOBADIG, _April 8th._
+
+"Since my last message (much mutilated by the Censor) events have
+moved rapidly. Two of the mules have died of their injuries in
+hospital; three others lie in a dangerous condition at Umwidi, four
+miles away, where they fled for refuge from the wanton onslaught of
+the Australian sheep. This sheep, it now transpires, was the personal
+attendant of General Riddlecombe, Head of the Military Mission, a
+circumstance which is not calculated to allay the local animosity
+which the incident has aroused. The situation will require all the
+tact that the British Government can command."
+
+
+_Extract from the Special Crisis Column of "The Slime," April 11th:--_
+
+"ANGLO-ARMENIAN RELATIONS.
+ GRAVE WARNING.
+
+"In a telegram which we print in another column our Special
+Correspondent in Armenia confirms to-day the serious fears to which we
+gave expression in our issue of April 6th concerning the possibility
+of a crisis in Anglo-Armenian relations. The incident of the Bobadig
+mules is already bearing fruit, and we can no longer doubt that
+popular feeling in the vilayet of Arimabug has been dangerously
+inflamed by the obtuse procrastination of the British Government.
+These unfortunate mules...."
+
+
+"SCRATCHIPOL, _April 10th._
+
+"Communications with Bobadig have broken down, but it is reported that
+a mule was buried there on Sunday in circumstances of great popular
+excitement. A large crowd followed the body to the cemetery and made
+a demonstration after the ceremony outside the house of the local
+veterinary surgeon, who is alleged to have treated the animal for
+mumps instead of sheep-shock, with fatal results."
+
+
+_From "The Slime," April 14th.--_
+
+"GRAVE CRISIS.
+ ARMENIAN ANGER.
+ THE MURDERED MULES.
+
+"As we feared, a serious crisis has arisen in Anglo-Armenian
+relations. At Bobadig a third mule has perished and his interment was
+made the occasion of a great popular demonstration against the policy
+of Great Britain. In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to
+conceal that the situation is extremely grave. The PRIME MINISTER has
+returned to Downing Street from Le Touquet. Shortly after his arrival
+the Armenian Minister drove up in a motor-cab and was closeted with
+the PREMIER for a full ten minutes. After lunch, Lord Wurzel arrived
+in his brougham. At tea-time the Minister of Mutton-Control dashed up
+in a 24 'bus, followed rapidly by the Secretary of State for War on
+his scooter. Mr. Burble wore an anxious look...."
+
+_Extract from a leading article in "The Slime," April 16th:--_
+
+"SPIT IT OUT.
+
+"We trust it is not already too late to appeal to the Government to
+extricate the Empire from the perilous position in which their wilful
+stupidity has placed it. The news from Bobadig is exceedingly serious.
+Another of the affronted mules has perished in circumstances of the
+foulest indignity; it only remains for the other two to die for
+the triumph of British statesmanship to be complete. These wretched
+creatures are being slowly sacrificed for the foolish whim of a
+British Prime Minister. No doubt remains that they have been subjected
+to sheep-shock by the savage bites of the Australian animal. The
+Government, blinded by its own infatuate folly and deaf to the storms
+of popular indignation in this country, continues to treat them
+for mumps.... By this test the Government will be judged at the
+forthcoming election. They must realise that the time for trifling is
+past. If the resources of the British Empire are unable at this date
+to combat the menace of sheep-shock among the loyal mules of Bobadig,
+then indeed.... At least we are entitled to ask for an explanation of
+the presence of an infuriated sheep on the staff of a British General.
+The PRIME MINISTER...."
+
+
+_From "The Slime," April 17th.--_
+
+"AT LAST.
+
+The situation in Bobadig is easing rapidly. The Government has at last
+carried out the instructions of _The Slime_, and we understand that a
+Ministerial expert in sheep-shock has been sent to the assistance of
+the surviving mules. But while we may congratulate ourselves on the
+lifting of the clouds in that direction matters in West Ham give
+ground for the gravest anxiety. The wood-lice of West Ham are
+proverbially of an irritable nature, and the attitude of the
+Government has been calculated for some time to inflame...."
+
+_From "The Slime," April 19th.--_
+
+"BOBADIG CRISIS OVER.
+
+PREMIER YIELDS.
+
+We are glad to report ..."
+
+_From "The Slime," April 20th.--_
+
+"WEST HAM CRISIS BEGINS.
+
+WOOD LICE IN REVOLT.
+
+GRAVE WARNING.
+
+Once again we must warn the Government...."
+
+And so on.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS.
+
+_Party in Check Cap._ "WILL YOU HAVE MY PLACE, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Three swift fierce rounds between Beckett and Wells and the
+    18,000 spectators at Olympia last night witnessed the close of
+    yet another great ring drama."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+    "Beckett ... bowed more by instinct than of set purpose to the
+    shouting, over-wrought people who from the floor of Olympia
+    shot up to the ceiling."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+We had no idea until we read these paragraphs that the spectators took
+such an active part in the proceedings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _House-hunter (after another fruitless day)._ "WHAT
+ABOUT TAKING THIS? WE COULD AT LEAST HANG OUR PICTURES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAIRY BALL.
+
+  "I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night;
+  What shall I wear, for I must look right?"
+  "Search in the fields for a lady's-smock;
+  Where could you find you a prettier frock?"
+
+  "I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night;
+  What shall I do for my jewels bright?"
+  "Trouble you not for a brooch or a ring,
+  A daisy-chain is the properest thing."
+
+  "I am asked to the ball to night, to-night;
+  What shall I do if I shake with fright?"
+  "When you are there you will understand
+  That no one is frightened in Fairyland."
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WIT AND HUMOUR.
+
+    Ashton and District Undertakers' Association have advanced
+    the prices of hearse and carriages for funerals."--_Yorkshire
+    Paper._
+
+If this is the kind of humour that appeals to our contemporary it
+should alter the heading to "Grave and Gay."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LUXURIES OF THE RICH.
+
+_Club Member (owner of thirty thousand acre estate)._ "I TELL YOU
+WHAT IT IS--I MUST REALLY GET MY HAIR CUT. DASH IT, I'VE GOT THE
+MONEY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMUNISM AT CAMBRIDGE.
+
+    [Bolshevism and Communism claim many adherents among the young
+    intellectuals at our ancient Universities.--_Vide Press._]
+
+I am a Socialist, a Syndicalist, an Anarchist, a Bolshevist--whatever
+you like to call me; if you wish to be precise, an International
+Communist.
+
+Anyhow, as such I am opposed tooth-and-nail to the iniquity of the
+existing Competitive System. It is my intention to devote my life
+to its eradication, in whatever form it may be disguised, and to
+inaugurate an era of loving-kindness, peace, leisure and plenty,
+similar to that now enjoyed by the people of Russia.
+
+But my duties do not lie only in the distant future; they are here, in
+the present, facing me in the University. For never, I think, was the
+unclean thing, Competition, so prevalent and unabashed as at Cambridge
+to-day.
+
+Both in work and in sport is the evil rampant. Take as an example
+the reactionary custom of dividing the Tripos Honours List into three
+classes. Can you imagine anything more inducive to competition? Worse,
+it is a direct invitation to the worker--often, I am proud to say,
+unheeded--to exceed the one-hour-day for which we Communists are
+striving.
+
+Even more deplorable is the competitive spirit in sport; more
+deplorable because more insidious. Even those whom we are wont to
+regard as our comrades and leaders are not always proof against the
+canker in this guise. I remember paying a visit to Fenner's, that
+fair field corrupted by competition, to raise my protest against
+inter-collegiate sports. To my indescribable grief and amazement I
+beheld one whom I had always followed and reverenced--a man of mighty
+voice oft lifted in debate--preparing to _compete_ (mark the word)
+in a Three-Mile Race. "Stay, comrade," I cried. He heeded me not;
+moreover, it certainly appeared to me that he attempted--thank God,
+unsuccessfully--to win the race. Maybe I go too far in ascribing to
+him this desire to come in first, with a resultant triumph over his
+fellows; but was not his very entrance a countenancing of evil? Had
+he considered the feelings of bitter enmity inspired in the many
+who toiled behind him? And the encouragement to College rivalry!--a
+rivalry in no way differing from that between nations, save that
+College distinctions are, of course, less artificial.
+
+It becomes obvious, I think, to every unprejudiced observer that most
+of the games now unfortunately so popular at the University--rowing,
+cricket, football and the like--_must go_. But let it not be assumed
+that the Communist is averse from recreation properly conducted; far
+from it. There is no possible objection to diabolo or top-spinning,
+for instance, and, though competitive marbles must not be played
+(whether on the Senate House steps or elsewhere), solitaire may be
+permitted as in no way provoking the deplorable spirit of rivalry.
+
+Of other games the Communist will discard bridge, billiards and
+"general post"; and even "hunt-the-slipper" and "hide-and-seek" are
+not altogether free from the competitive taint. But an excellent
+game is open to him in "patience," while there is no pastime more
+indicative of the true Communistic spirit than "ring-a-ring o' roses,"
+so long as proper care be taken that at the last "tishu" all the
+players collapse simultaneously.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOMAGE FROM THE BRAVE.
+
+"OLD CONTEMPTIBLE" (_to Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_).
+"WELL, MATE, I HAD TO STICK IT AGAINST A PRETTY DIRTY FIGHTER, BUT
+THANK GOD I NEVER HAD A JOB QUITE LIKE YOURS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 10th._--But for the presence of a handful of Irish Peers
+and of Sir EDWARD CLARKE (looking little older than when he pulverised
+GLADSTONE'S second Home Rule scheme in 1893) you would never have
+thought that this was the first day in Committee of the Bill "for
+the better government of Ireland." The Ulstermen were on duty in full
+force, but the bench on which the Nationalists are wont to sit was,
+like their beloved country, "swarming with absentees."
+
+[Illustration: HARLEQUIN'S OFFENSIVE.
+
+LORD HUGH CECIL.]
+
+Lord HUGH CECIL, like _Harlequin_, smote everyone impartially, one
+of his most telling strokes being the remark that the PRIME MINISTER
+could not distinguish between the art of winning an election and the
+art of governing a country; but otherwise his performance was about on
+a par with that of Mr. JACK JONES, who spoke against the Amendment
+and voted for it. Mr. BONAR LAW'S declaration that the Bill, however
+unacceptable to Ireland at the moment, furnished the only hope of
+ultimate settlement, coupled with the Ulster leader's promise that,
+much as he loathed the idea of a separate Parliament, he would work
+it for all he was worth, carried the day. Mr. ASQUITH'S Amendment was
+knocked out by 259 to 55.
+
+In subsequent Amendments other Members attempted to emphasise the idea
+of ultimate union by calling the statutory bodies "Councils" instead
+of "Parliaments," and by setting up a single Senate to control them
+both. But they did not meet with acceptance. Captain ELLIOTT thought
+the first as absurd as the idea that you could make two dogs agree
+by chaining them together, and Mr. LONG dismissed the second with the
+remark (which shows how rapidly his political education has advanced
+since the Parliament Act) that he was in great doubt as to whether a
+Second Chamber was in itself a protection for minorities.
+
+[Illustration: A PROTESTING CONVERT.
+
+SIR EDWARD CARSON.]
+
+_Tuesday, May 11th._--Lord LONDONDERRY moved the second reading of the
+Air Navigation Bill. An important part of the Bill relates to trespass
+or nuisance by aeroplanes. The rights of the property-owner _usque ad
+coelum_ will obviously have to be considerably modified if commercial
+aviation is to be possible; but Lord MONTAGU entered a _caveat_
+against accepting the provisions of the Bill in this regard without
+close examination. Constant flying over a man's house or property
+might, as he said, constitute a serious nuisance. Imagine an
+"air-drummer," if one may so call him, hovering over a Royal
+garden-party and showering down leaflets on the distinguished guests.
+
+The little _coterie_ that is so nervously anxious lest this country
+should do anything to assist the Poles in their attacks on the
+Bolshevists was particularly active this afternoon. Even the SPEAKER'S
+large tolerance is beginning to give out. One of the gang announced
+his intention of repeating a question already answered. "And I give
+notice," said Mr. LOWTHER, "that if the hon. and gallant Member does
+repeat it I shall not allow it to appear on the Notice-paper."
+
+Another hon. Member wanted to know why, if we were not helping the
+Poles, we kept a British mission at Warsaw. "Among other things,"
+replied Mr. CHURCHILL, "to enable me to answer questions put to me
+here." A third sought information regarding the expenditure of the
+Secret Service money, and was duly snubbed by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN with the
+reply that if he answered the question the Service would cease to be
+secret.
+
+The rejection of the Finance Bill was moved by Mr. BOTTOMLEY. In his
+view the CHANCELLOR was making a great mistake in trying to pay off
+debt, especially if it meant the taxation of such harmless luxuries
+as champagne and cigars. "Let posterity pay," was his motto. Still, if
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was determined to persist in his foolish course, let
+him give him (Mr. BOTTOMLEY) a free hand and he would guarantee to
+raise a thousand millions in a month. The best comment on this
+oration was furnished by Mr. BARNES, who strongly advocated a tax upon
+advertisements.
+
+_Wednesday, May 12th._--The prevalent notion that the only road
+a Scotsman cares about is that which leads to England cannot be
+maintained in face of Lord BALFOUR'S vigorous indictment of the
+Ministry of Transport for its neglect of the highways in his native
+Clackmannan. The Duke of SUTHERLAND was equally eloquent about the
+deplorable state of the Highlands, where the people were not even
+allowed telephones to make up for their lack of transport facilities.
+"Evil communications corrupt good manners," and there was real
+danger that the Highlanders would vote "Wee Free" at the next General
+Election. Appalled by this prospect, no doubt, Lord LYTTON hastened to
+return a soft answer, from which we learned that three-quarters of
+a million had already been allocated to Scottish roads, and gathered
+that the dearest ambition of Sir ERIC GEDDES was to share the fame of
+the hero immortalised in the famous lines:--
+
+  "Had you seen but these roads before they were made
+  You would hold up your hands and bless General WADE."
+
+Only Mr. KIPLING could do full justice to the story of the abduction,
+pursuit and recapture--all within thirty-six hours--of an English
+lady at Peshawar. Even as officially narrated by Mr. MONTAGU it was
+sufficiently exciting. The most curious and reassuring fact was
+that all the actors in the drama, abductors and rescuers alike, were
+Afridis. It is to be hoped that this versatile community includes a
+cinematograph operator, and that a film will, like the lady, shortly
+be "released."
+
+[Illustration: "SUMER IS Y-CUMEN IN."
+
+SIR ROBERT HORNE WELCOMES A USEFUL ALLY.]
+
+The miners' representatives made an unselfish protest against the
+increase in the price of coal. Although it would justify them in
+demanding a further increase in their present inadequate wage they did
+not believe it was necessary or, at any rate, urgent. Sir ROBERT HORNE
+assured them that it was, and that the present moment--the season in
+happier days of "Lowest Summer Prices"--had been selected as the least
+inconvenient to the public.
+
+_Thursday, May 13th._--Ireland maintains its pre-eminence as the land
+of paradox. Among the hunger-strikers recently released from Mountjoy
+prison were (by an accident) several men who had actually been
+convicted. The House learned to its surprise that these men cannot be
+re-arrested, but are out for good (their own, though possibly not the
+community's); whereas the untried (and possibly innocent) suspects may
+be re-arrested at any moment.
+
+The new Profiteering Bill, which, to judge by the criticisms levelled
+against its exceptions and safeguards, will be about as effective as
+its predecessor, was read a third time. So was the Health Insurance
+Bill, but not until a few Independent Liberals, led by Captain
+WEDGWOOD BENN, had been rebuked for their obstructive tactics by Mr.
+MYERS and Mr. NEIL MACLEAN of the Labour Party. As the small hours
+grew larger this split in the Progressive ranks developed into a
+yawning chasm, and the Government got a third Bill passed before the
+weary House adjourned at six o'clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "'OLD YER 'EADS UP! ALL THE FAG ENDS WAS
+PICKED UP LONG AFORE YOU---- 'ERE, WHAT THE----?"
+
+_Old Soldier (who has produced a small note-book)._ "ALL RIGHT,
+SERGEANT, I'M ONLY KEEPING A RECORD OF THE 'FAG END' JOKE. I'VE NOW
+HEARD IT TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN TIMES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It has been arranged that the Speaker shall make the
+    presentation of plate [to Miss BONAR LAW], and Mr. Lloyd
+    George and Mr. Asquith will take part."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+It is hoped that they will leave a substantial portion for the bride.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMALL FARM.
+
+To all of you who have begun to gaze pensively at railway posters, to
+furrow your brows over maps and guide-books, or hover sheepishly about
+the inquiry offices of Holiday Touring Agencies, I would whisper: "Go
+to a small farm and bask."
+
+You will note that I say a _small_ farm. A large farm has much that is
+pleasant and pungent about it, but to my mind you cannot bask properly
+on a large farm. You are too much in the way. The medley of barns,
+byres, styes, rods, poles and perches is a hive of restless energy.
+Unless you are walking about with a bucket or prodding something with
+a stick you feel you have no right to be there. On a large farm you
+are expected to accompany your host across a couple of ten-acre fields
+to look at his young wheat. Some people can tell what is the matter
+with a field of young wheat by merely leaning on a gate and glancing
+at it. Unless I can feel its pulse or take its temperature I cannot
+tell whether young wheat is suffering from whooping-cough or
+nasal catarrh. All I can do is to nod my head sagely and say that,
+considering the sort of Government we have got, it looks pretty
+flourishing. Then my host remarks that he has got a young bull in
+Bodger's Paddock (about three miles across country) that it will do
+my heart good to see. That is the worst of a large farm; anything you
+want is sure to be several fields away from you.
+
+Now at the small farm which I recommend, but the address of which I am
+not going to give away, you may lie and bask by the duck pond and be
+quite in the picture. Further, if a sudden irresistible desire for
+something--a hoe or a cow, for example--should come over you, you have
+only to put out your hand and grab it. There is a compactness about
+the place. They do not put the cattle in odd fields five miles apart,
+but leave them to lounge round the duck pond or sit in the front
+garden, where they can be collected without effort. There are
+no energetic squads of farm-labourers; no bustling battalions of
+land-girls with motor-plough attachments. The outdoor staff is
+generally to be found sitting on a bucket by the duck pond rubbing at
+a bit of harness and looking decently rural. When he has rubbed the
+harness he stands up and looks at the young wheat. Then he turns
+round and glances at the mangel-wurzel field. If the appearance of it
+displeases him he reaches out for a rake and puts it right. Then he
+sits on the bucket again and has lunch.
+
+When you go to bed at this farm you knock your head against the lintel
+of the sitting-room with a force corresponding to your height and
+vitality. Then you hit your head a second time when ascending the
+stairs and again on entering the bedroom. If you are a heavy breather
+you sweep the ceiling clear of flies and cobwebs while you sleep.
+At dawn, or possibly an hour or so before (for he is a nervously
+conscientious bird), the farm cock steps off the roof of the cow-shed
+on to your window-sill and bursts into enthusiastic admiration
+of himself and things in general. Some people of an egoistic and
+unimaginative temperament get up at once, in order that they may spend
+the rest of the day telling you how much they enjoyed the sunrise and
+what a fool you were to miss it. The true basker, on the other hand,
+declines to be a party to a procedure which destroys the whole poetry
+of dawn and reduces the proud chanticleer to the sordid status of an
+alarum-clock. He simply pushes the bird off the window-sill with his
+foot, turns over and goes to sleep. And later on, when the sound of
+other people knocking their heads against various portions of the
+building arouses him, he goes to sleep again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopman._ "ARE YOU SURE ONE WILL BE SUFFICIENT?"
+
+_Member of the New Plutocracy._ "WELL, I'VE ONLY ONE NECK, AIN'T
+I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COUNTRY JOINER Wanted."
+
+    _Advt. in Provincial Paper._
+
+To work on the Channel Tunnel?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIDGING THE LITERARY GULF.
+
+(_Famous Publisher's Great Scheme of Reconciliation._)
+
+Hearing on good authority that Mr. Blinkingham, the well-known
+publisher, was about to launch an enterprise of a magnitude only
+comparable with that of the _Ency. Brit._ or the _D.N.B._, Mr.
+Punch hastened to headquarters for confirmation of the report, was
+graciously admitted to his presence and furnished with the following
+interesting details. Mr. Blinkingham, it may be mentioned, is at
+all points a finely equipped representative of his class, handsome,
+well-groomed and wearing his monocle with distinction. His sanctum is
+furnished with delightfully catholic taste--Louis Quinze furniture, a
+Japanese embossed wall-paper, pictures by BOTTICELLI and Mr. WYNDHAM
+LEWIS and statuettes of PLATO, VOLTAIRE and Mr. WELLS (the Historian,
+not the Bombardier).
+
+After some preliminary observations on the deplorable condition of the
+pulp industry, Mr. Blinkingham unfolded his colossal scheme. "By way
+of preface," remarked the great literary _impresario_, "let me call
+your attention to the momentous statement made by the Editor of _The
+Athen�um_ in the issue of May 7th: 'We doubt whether there has ever
+been a generation of men of letters so startlingly uneducated as this,
+so little interested in the study of the great writers before
+them.' The Editor of _The Athen�um_ takes a most gloomy view of
+the situation, which is fraught with an atmosphere of hostility and
+suspicion inimical to a revival of criticism. Yet he sees in such
+a revival the only way of salvation, the only means of healing the
+internecine feud which is now convulsing the young literary world.
+
+"For my own part I am convinced that a better way is to lure back the
+modernists to a study of great writers by presenting them in a more
+palatable form, not by compressing or abridging them--for that has
+been tried before--but by having them re-written in conformity with
+present-day standards by eminent contemporary writers. This notion had
+been germinating in my head for some time past, but I did not see my
+way clear until I read the luminous and epoch-making remark of Mr.
+C. K. SHORTER, that he would sooner have written _Tom Jones_ than any
+book published these two hundred years. In a moment, in a flash, my
+scheme took shape. 'He shall write it, or rather re-write it,' I said
+to myself, and I have already submitted to this eminent man of letters
+my rough _scenario_ of the lines on which FIELDING'S novel should
+be brought home to the Georgian mind. In reply he has made a
+counter-suggestion that the characters should be rearranged on a
+Victorian basis, CHARLOTTE BRONT� replacing _Sophia_, THACKERAY _Mr.
+Allworthy_, while the title-r�le should be assigned to an enterprising
+publisher. But I am not without hope that he will adopt my plan.
+
+"The revival of interest in the works of RICHARDSON, the other great
+eighteenth-century novelist, is, I think I may safely say, a foregone
+conclusion. Miss DOROTHY RICHARDSON has enthusiastically welcomed
+the proposition that she should reconstruct the romances of her
+illustrious namesake, and confidently expects, on the basis of the
+method employed by her in _The Tunnel_, that she will be able to
+excavate at least a hundred volumes from the materials supplied in
+_Sir Charles Grandison_ and _Clarissa Harlowe_.
+
+"Nor shall we overlook the earlier masters. Professor CHAMBERLIN,
+whose thrilling lectures on QUEEN ELIZABETH and Lord LEICESTER
+have been the talk of the town for the last fortnight, has kindly
+undertaken to organise a new _variorum_ version of the Plays of
+SHAKSPEARE, with the assistance of Mr. LOONEY, the writer of the
+recently-published and final work on the authorship of the plays.
+MILTON will be presented in both verse and prose, Mr. MASEFIELD having
+promised to re-write his epic in six-lined rhymed stanzas, shorn of
+Latinisms; while a famous novelist, who does not wish her name to
+appear at present, has consented to recast it in the form of a romance
+under the title of _The Miseries of Mephistopheles_.
+
+"Returning to the eighteenth century, I am glad to be able to say
+that a brilliant reconstruction of POPE'S _Dunciad_ is promised by
+the SITWELL family, in which the milk-and-water school is held up to
+ridicule, with TENNYSON in the place of dishonour formerly occupied by
+THEOBALD. With a magnanimity that cannot be too highly commended, the
+staff of _The Times_ has undertaken to adapt another forgotten work
+under the title of _Grey's Eulogy_, with special reference to the work
+of the League of Nations.
+
+"I confess to feeling rather doubtful as to the possibility of
+reviving any interest in the works of SCOTT, DICKENS and THACKERAY.
+They are at once too near and too far. Still I hope to persuade Miss
+REBECCA WEST to try her hand at _Vanity Fair_. Then there is GEORGE
+ELIOT, another uncertain quantity, though perhaps something might
+be made of _The Mill on the Floss_ if it were renamed _Tulliver's
+Travels_, and given an up-to-date industrial atmosphere by Mr. ARNOLD
+BENNETT. I have my eye on Mr. LYTTON STRACHEY as the man who could
+make a fine modern version of _Tom Brown's Schooldays_. At the moment
+he is too busy with his _Life of Queen VICTORIA_, but I feel sure he
+will not lightly abandon so splendid an opportunity of unmasking the
+pedantry and pietism of Dr. ARNOLD and throwing the white light of
+truth on 'Rugby Chapel.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BIRD CALLS.
+
+III.
+
+  The robin helps to brighten Winter days
+  And, if you listen carefully, he says,
+  "Oh please, oh please do leave some crumbs for me;"
+  It's greed, but still he says it cheerily.
+
+  The starling rolls his "r's" with unctuous joy
+  And, preening, wonders whom he may annoy,
+  Then imitates a hen, a water-fowl
+  And next the "Be quick" of a white barn-owl.
+
+  The heron has a fierce and yellow eye
+  And eats up all our fishes on the sly;
+  There seems to be but one he deigns to like,
+  For all I hear him say is simply "Pike."
+
+  Tree-creepers, like some busy brown field-mice,
+  Unwearying chase the furtive fat wood-lice,
+  Then round the oak-tree's bole they slyly peep
+  And tell you what you thought you knew--"We creep."
+
+  This is the way the sparrow calls his mate;
+  He says it early and he says it late,
+  He says it softly, but he says it clear:
+  "Come unto me, come unto me, my dear."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRESS AT THE CURZON WEDDING.
+
+    "Princess ---- wore a black hat, a cloak of tailless ermine,
+    and a black and silver toque."
+
+    _Daily Telegraph._
+
+    "Then came Mrs. ---- in a dull golf hat."
+
+    _Daily Graphic._
+
+As a protest, we suppose, against the other lady's extravagance in
+wearing a couple of hats.
+
+       ***
+
+    "John ----, a coloured man, was charged with using obscure
+    language in Maria Street. The magistrates fined him
+    5s."--_Welsh Paper._
+
+Most unfair! Lots of men do the very same thing in Parliament and get
+paid four hundred pounds a year for it.
+
+       ***
+
+Heading from pp. 516, 517 of _Punch's_ official rival, _The Telephone
+Directory_:
+
+    "SUBSCRIBERS SHOULD NOT ENGAGE ****** THE TELEPHONISTS IN
+    CONVERSATION."
+
+We should ourselves have placed the asterisks after the word "THE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: STUDY OF A CHILD, SOME GOATS AND A HORSE. THE HORSE IS
+FULL OF FIRE AND LOOKS AS IF HE HAD JUST SPRUNG FROM HIS ROCKERS.]
+
+[Illustration: "DOUBLE OR QUIT." A SPORTING OFFER BY A PROFITEERING
+LANDLORD.]
+
+[Illustration: _Fair Rosamond._ "OH, MY GOODNESS! IS THAT A DAGGER?"
+
+_Queen Elinor._ "QUITE RIGHT, BUT IT'S ONLY TO HEIGHTEN THE DRAMATIC
+EFFECT. I KNEW YOU WOULD PREFER POISON."]
+
+[Illustration: THE EXHAUSTED SITTER AND THE INEXORABLE ARTISTS.]
+
+[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PRIZE-FIGHTERS REMOVING A HEAVY-WEIGHT
+CHAMPION AFTER HIS DEFEAT.]
+
+[Illustration: WINDOW-DRESSING IS NOW ONE OF THE FINE ARTS. A CHARMING
+GROUP OF WAX FIGURES MADE TO THE ORDER OF MESSRS. WHITERIDGE.]
+
+[Illustration: _Excited Bather._ "SOMETHING QUEER ABOUT THESE ROCKS.
+ONE OF THEM IS TICKLING ME ON THE BACK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"WHY MARRY?"
+
+This is a protracted discussion of a venerable topic and takes place
+in a sun-parlour, which I regret to say is the brightest thing about
+it.
+
+_John_ is a dollar-snob--it is _John's_ parlour--and has two sisters,
+_Jean_ and _Helen_. _John_ is easily the heavy-weight champion in
+stage brothers. Sister _Jean_, who is entirely dependent on _John_,
+loves a poor man, but under _John's_ guidance traps a rich one. Sister
+_Helen_ (who has a job) also loves a poor man, but thinks marriage not
+good enough. This was, I imagine, due chiefly to living with _John_
+and _Mrs. John_. She may have got a touch of the sun-parlour. Her
+man is a terrific young scientist, who once with four colleagues
+deliberately let a dangerous Cuban mosquito nibble his arm. The
+colleagues died while _Ernest_ survived, which I regretted. However he
+became demonstrator at the Institute of Bacteriology, with _Helen_ as
+his assistant, and in the excitement of the imminent discovery of
+his new bacillus the two spend the night in the laboratory totally
+unchaperoned. The discovery saved thousands of American babes, but it
+ruined _Helen's_ reputation.
+
+Here the narrative becomes confused, but anyhow _John_, who was a
+trustee of the Institute, spent the three Acts in alternately sacking
+and reinstating _Helen_ and _Ernest_, in thinking of a salary,
+doubling it, adding thousands of dollars to it and taking away the
+salary first thought of, together with the additions (and so _da
+capo_), according as he wished to prevent the marriage because of
+_Ernest's_ poverty, or bring it off because of _Ernest's_ disposition
+to take _Helen_ to Paris (France) and dispense with empty rites, or
+postpone it to gain time, or, on the contrary, have it celebrated
+between the dressing and the dinner gongs in order to announce it
+to important members of the family, who, if I understood the butler
+aright, had already fallen on their food while host and hostess, two
+pairs of lovers, Uncle _Everett_ and Cousin _John_ were bickering in
+the sun-parlour.
+
+Cousin _Theodore_, a guileless and dollarless clergyman, padded about
+on the outskirts of the discussion, making obvious remarks about the
+sanctity of marriage and enunciating the highest principles, which he
+promptly swallowed. But it was Uncle _Everett_, the judge (the only
+human figure in the bunch), who grasped the fact (long after I did,
+but let that pass) that the two principal young egotists simply loved
+being talked over at such gross length. To put an end to the business
+he used a trick whereby, apparently according to the law of the
+unnamed State in which the parlour was situate, the two were legally
+married without intending it. They had the tact to accept this
+solution, and this softened my heart towards them for the first time.
+
+It was amusing to see Mr. AUBREY SMITH wondering how on earth he had
+got into this play, and Mr. A. E. GEORGE prowling about the stage
+intent apparently on showing how many ways there are of uttering
+"Pshaw!" and "Tut-tut!" or noise to that effect. It isn't as easy as
+it ought to be to do justice to players playing impossible parts; to
+Miss HENRIETTA WATSON struggling pluckily and skilfully with her
+_Mrs. John_; or to Mr. COWLEY WRIGHT or Miss ROSA LYND, so perfectly
+appalling did _Ernest_ and _Helen_ seem to me and so anxious was I
+to get them off to Paris respectably or otherwise. They never, by the
+way, gave me the faintest impression that they could ever have done
+work of any value in their laboratory.
+
+I have no idea what the moral of this modern mystery play may be, but
+I did gather that the authoress was seriously perplexed, not perhaps
+in any startlingly new way, about the difficulties of marriage and the
+conventional hypocrisies that hedge round that honourable institution,
+but just forgot that serious argument cannot easily be conveyed
+through the medium of fantastically impossible and uninteresting
+people in an extravagantly farcical situation. The play was kindly
+received.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHY MARRY?"
+
+_Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH (Uncle Everett)._ "DO _YOU_ KNOW THE ANSWER?"
+
+_Miss HENRIETTA WATSON (Lucy)._ "THERE ARE A GOOD MANY QUESTIONS
+ABOUT THIS PLAY THAT I WOULDN'T CARE TO HAVE TO ANSWER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MADNESS OF THE MACNAMARA.
+
+(_From the Gaelic--with apologies to BON GAULTIER._)
+
+  Weefrees swore a feud
+    Against the clan McGeorgy;
+  Marched to Leamington
+    To hold a pious orgy;
+  For they did resolve
+    To extirpate the vipers
+  With thirty stout M.P.s
+    And all the Northsquith "pipers."
+
+  "Lads," said HOGGE and BENN
+    To their faithful scholars,
+  "We shall need to fight
+    To retain the dollars;
+  Here's MHIC-MAC-NAMARA
+    Coming with his henchmen,
+  HEWART, KELLAWAY
+    And several Front-Bench men."
+
+         ***
+
+  "Coot-tay to you, Sirs,"
+    Said MHIC-MAC-NAMARA
+  In a voice that reached
+    From Leamington to Tara;
+  "So you'd drum us out
+    To enjoy your plunder,
+  Adding to a crime
+    Suicidal blunder."
+
+  But the brave Weefrees,
+    Heedless of his bawling,
+  Drowned him with the storm
+    Of their caterwauling;
+  So MHIC-MAC-NAMARA
+    And the valiant KELLAWAY
+  Gave some warlike howls
+    And in haste got well away.
+
+  In this sorry style
+    Died ta Liberal Party,
+  Which in days of old
+    Had been strong and hearty;
+  This, good Mr. Punch,
+    Is ta true edition;
+  Here's your fery coot health
+    And--bless ta Coalition!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "We are glad to be able to state in reference to our Pastor
+    that, though much improved in health, he is still unfit to
+    resume his work amongst us."-- ---- _Congregational Magazine._
+
+       ***
+
+    "This should bring joy to the heart of every resolutionary
+    Socialist."
+
+    _The Workers' Dreadnought._
+
+All the Socialists we have met answer to this description.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_P.-W. S. (otter-hunting for the first time)._ "TIRED? COOKED TO A
+TURN! I WOULDN'T 'AVE COME SO FAR BUT ONE OF YOUR CHAPS TOLD ME YOU
+'AD A STRONG DRAG UP THE RIVER AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ALL GO 'OME IN
+IT. AND NOW 'E SAYS IT'S ONLY A SMELL 'E MEANT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I should certainly call Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE our first living
+expositor of London in fiction. Indeed the precision with which, from
+his Italian home, he can recapture the aspect and atmosphere of London
+neighbourhoods is itself an astonishing feat. In _The Vanity Girl_
+(CASSELL) he has happily abandoned the rather breathless manner
+induced by the migratious _Sylvia Scarlett_, and returns to the
+West Kensington of _Sinister Street_, blended subsequently with that
+theatrical Bohemia in which _Jenny Pearl_ danced her little tragedy.
+There is something (though by no means all) of the interest of
+_Carnival_ in the new stage story; that the adventures of _Dorothy_
+lack the compelling charm of her predecessor is inevitable from the
+difference in temperament of the two heroines and the fact that
+Mr. MACKENZIE with all his art has been unable to rouse more than
+dispassionate interest in what is really a study of successful
+egotism. From the moment when, in the first chapter, we encounter
+_Dorothy_ (whose real name was _Norah_) washing her hair at a window
+in Lonsdale Road, an eligible _cul-de-sac_ ending in a railway line,
+beyond which a high rampart marked the reverse of the Earl's Court
+Exhibition panorama, to that final page on which we take leave of
+her as a widowed countess, sacrificing her future for the sake of
+an Earl's Court of a different _genre_, her career, sentimental,
+financial and matrimonial, is told with amazing vivacity but a rather
+conspicuous lack of emotional appeal. It is perhaps an unequal
+book; in parts as good as the author's best, in others hurried and
+perfunctory. One of our more superior Reviews was lately debating Mr.
+MACKENZIE'S command of the "memorable phrase." There are a score here
+that I should delight to quote, even if the setting is not always
+entirely worthy of them.
+
+       ***
+
+So long as "BERTA RUCK" will write for us such pretty books as
+_Sweethearts Unmet_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), we need never feel
+ourselves dependent on America for our supply of sugary novels. This
+home-grown variety is just as sweet, and really, I think, may be
+guaranteed not only harmless but positively beneficial. The authoress
+has evidently a tender pity for the young men and women whom our
+social conditions doom either to have no companions among their
+contemporaries or only the wrong ones. Her heroine represents the
+too-much-sheltered girl alone in an elderly circle, her hero the
+lonely young man who has no means of getting to know people of his own
+sort (I can't say class, because the authoress seems rather uncertain
+about that herself). Her story is written in alternate instalments by
+"the boy" and "the girl," a method which encourages intimacy in the
+telling as well as a sort of gushing attention to the reader not so
+pleasant. Miss NORA SCHLEGEL has drawn a pretty picture of _Julia_ and
+_Jack_ to adorn the wrapper, and I can assure everyone who cares to
+know it that they are just as nice as they look; _Jack's_ passion for
+abbreviation ("rhodos" for rhododendrons) being the only ground of
+quarrel I have with them or their creator.
+
+       ***
+
+In _Passion_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. SHAW DESMOND desperately wants to
+say something terrific about love, money and power. His violence makes
+one feel that one is reading under a shower of brickbats, and it is
+the effort of dodging these which perhaps distracts the mind from his
+message. (Is he a Marinettist, I wonder?) There are not enough words
+in the language for him, so he invents fresh ones at will; while as
+for grammar and syntax he passionately throttled them in Chapter I.;
+nor did they recover. I will own that notwithstanding all this the
+author has a way of making you read on to find out what it is all
+about. You don't find out; but there, life's like that, isn't it? The
+author's ideas of the operations of high finance are ingenuous. The
+_Mandrill_ (do I rightly guess this to be a portrait distorted from
+the life?), who is out to corner copper and "do down" the _Squid_
+(head of the opposing copper group), is, if you are to judge by his
+passionate exuberance at board meetings, about as likely to corner the
+green cheese in the moon. I imagine the author saying, "_Mandrills_
+mayn't be like that, but that's how I see 'em. It's my vision and mood
+that matter. Take it or leave it." Well, on the whole I should advise
+you to take it, first putting on a sort of mental tin hat. You'll at
+least have gathered that Mr. DESMOND is a lively writer.
+
+       ***
+
+Of a war-story reviewed in these pages some months ago I remember
+taking occasion to say that the author had damaged his effect by a too
+obvious wish to injure the reputation of a certain cavalry brigade
+(or words to that effect). Well, a book that I have just been
+reading, _The Squadroon_ (LANE), might in some sense be regarded as
+a counterblast to the former volume, since its writer, Major ARDERN
+BEAMAN, D.S.O., has admittedly intended it as a vindication of the
+work of the cavalry in the Great War. I can say at once that the
+defence could scarcely have found a better advocate. Major BEAMAN
+(who, I think superfluously, figures in his own pages in the fictional
+character of Padre) has written one of the most interesting records
+that I have read of personal experience on the Western Front. Partly
+this is explained by his fortunate possession of a style at once
+sincere, sanely balanced and always engaging. Also his story, apart
+from the matter of it, reveals in the men of whom he writes (and
+incidentally in the writer himself) a combination of just those
+qualities that we like to call essentially British. Cavalrymen of
+course will read it with a special fervour; but I am mistaken if
+its genial temper does not disarm even so difficult a critic as the
+ex-infantry Lieutenant--than which I could hardly say more. In short,
+_The Squadroon_ is a belated war book in which the most weary of such
+matters may well recapture their interest.
+
+       ***
+
+Written in the last great ebb and flow of the War, when the censorship
+still prevented anything like carping criticism of matters near
+the battle-front, _The Glory of the Coming_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON)
+naturally resolves itself into a p�an of praise of the French and
+British armies in general and the American troops in particular, both
+white and black. Mr. IRVIN S. COBB brings good credentials to his
+task, for he saw the advance of the German army through Belgium in
+1914, and in this book he describes the combined resistance to their
+last great effort before defeat. The accident, if we may so call it,
+to the Fifth Army has had nowhere a more eloquent apologist. "They
+were like ants; they were like flies," he says of the Germans; "they
+left their dead lying so thickly behind that finally the ground seemed
+as though it were covered with a grey carpet." There are interesting
+strictures in the later chapters on some of the quaint semi-official
+delegations and personages who persuaded the United States Government
+to let them come over and visit the War; and there are a number of
+quite good yarns of the Yankee private, related in the Yankee style.
+But better than all the American stories I think I like that of the
+Bedfordshire soldier who, when asked by the writer to direct him to
+Bl�rincourt during the chaos of the great retreat, replied, "I am
+rather a stranger in these parts myself." Perhaps by the way I ought
+to make it quite clear that the title refers to the coming of the
+American troops, and that, although the line, "He is trampling out the
+vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored," is also quoted in the
+prefatory stanza, there is nothing in the book about Mr. "PUSSYFOOT"
+JOHNSON.
+
+       ***
+
+I suppose the War did throw up a great number of worthy pomposities
+genuinely eager to serve their country in some conspicuous and
+applauded way, and old _Mr. Thompson_, the principal figure in _Young
+Hearts_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), may be taken, on the authority of J.
+E. BUCKROSE, as an East Riding variant of the type. He had always some
+patent scheme for winning the War or improving the Peace, and no doubt
+deserved all the ragging he got, though I lost my zest in the matter
+before the author did. _Mr. Thompson_ had two daughters: a minx
+(almost too minx-like for belief) and a never-told-her-love maiden of
+sterling worth. The latter marries the good-young-man-under-a-cloud
+(the cloud was, of course, a misapprehension or, alternatively, had a
+silver lining), though the minx shamelessly tried to "bag him," as she
+did every eligible male, the good sister tamely submitting under the
+impression apparently that the other was a perfect darling. I indeed
+seemed to be the only person who really understood what a little beast
+she was--and possibly the author, who finally allotted to her the
+beautiful unsatisfactory young man with the emotional tenor. Commended
+for easy seaside reading.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO RECALCITRANT HOUSE-OWNERS: Let and let live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ["I hear of a seaside hotel whose proprietors have
+instructed their staff never to correct the pronunciation or use of
+a word by a guest. If it is necessary to use the same term in the
+conversation the guest's form of it is the one to be used; it saves a
+lot of irritation, if not actual humiliation."--_Daily News._]
+
+_Waiter (with anticipative tact) to holiday customer._ "ANY HORSE
+DOOVERS, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, May 19, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 25591-8.txt or 25591-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/5/5/9/25591/
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+
+
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+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, May 19th, 1920.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+May 19, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, May 19, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: May 25, 2008 [EBook #25591]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>Vol. 158.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>May 19th, 1920.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page381" id="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span></p>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>A Swedish scientist has invented a new building material called
+sylvenselosit. It is said to cost one-fifth the price of the building
+material in use in this country, which is known to the trade as
+wishyumagetit.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A folding motor-car is said to have been invented which has a greater
+speed than any other car. The next thing that requires inventing is a
+folding pedestrian to cope with it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Berlin manufacturers are experimenting in making clothing from nettles.
+This is a chance that the nettle has long been waiting for.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A business magazine suggests that a series of afternoon chats with
+business men should be arranged. Our war experience of morning back
+chats at the grocer&#8217;s is not encouraging.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The capture of General <span class="sc">Carranza</span>, says a Vera Cruz message, was a mistake
+on the part of General <span class="sc">Sanchez</span>. We trust this does not mean that they
+will have to start the thing all over again.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Those who understand the Mexican trouble say it is doubtful whether
+America can deal with this war until the Presidential election is over.
+One war at a time is the American motto.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We gather from a contemporary that people who have been ordering large
+stocks of coal in the hope of escaping the new prices will be
+disappointed. Still, they may get in ahead of the next advance.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The inventor of the silent typewriter is now in London. We seem to know
+the telephone which gave him the idea.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A man at Bow Street Court complained that the Black Maria which conveyed
+him there was very stuffy. Some prisoners say that this vehicle is so
+unhealthy as to drive custom away from the Court.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Fruit blight threatens to be serious this year, says a daily paper, and
+drastic action should be taken against the apple weevil. A very good
+plan is to make an imitation apple of iron and then watch the weevil
+snap at it and break off its teeth.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>One North of England workman is said to be in a bit of a hole. It seems
+that he has mislaid his strike-fixture card.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Immediately after a football match at Londonderry, one of the players
+was shot in the leg by an opponent. The latter claims that he never
+heard the whistle blow.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Eugene Fisk</span>, President of the Life Extension Institute, promises by
+scientific means to prolong human life for nineteen hundred years. If
+this is the doctor&#8217;s idea of a promise we would rather not know what he
+would call a threat.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Wood for making pianos, says a weekly journal, is often kept for forty
+years. &ldquo;And even this,&rdquo; writes &ldquo;Jaded Parent,&rdquo; &ldquo;is not half long
+enough.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>With reference to the man who was seen laughing at Newport last week, it
+is only fair to point out that he was not a ratepayer, but was only
+visiting the place.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Larry Lemon</span>, says <i>The Sunday Express</i>, is considered to be better than
+<span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span>. As he is quite a young man, however, it is possible
+that he may yet grow out of it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Clerk of the oldest City Company writes to <i>The Times</i> to say that
+his Livery has resolved to drink no champagne at its feasts. Meanwhile
+other predictions as to the end of the world should be treated with
+reserve.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>After the statement in court by Mr. Justice <span class="sc">Darling</span> people contemplating
+marriage should book early for divorce if they want to avoid the rush.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>&ldquo;Why Marry?&rdquo; says the title of a new play. While no valid reason appears
+to exist many declare that it is a small price to pay for the
+satisfaction of being divorced.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Three-fourths of the public only buy newspapers to read the
+advertisements, says a contemporary. It would be interesting to know
+what the others buy them for.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>&ldquo;Few people seem to realise,&rdquo; says a cinema gossip, &ldquo;that Miss S. Eaden,
+the American film actress, is fond of tulips.&rdquo; We are ashamed to confess
+that we had not fully grasped this fact.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It appears that one newspaper has decided that May 24th shall be the
+opening date for ceasing to notice the cuckoo. Will correspondents
+please note?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>&ldquo;Things are unsettled in Ireland,&rdquo; says a gossip writer. We think people
+should be more careful what they say. Scandal like this might get about.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A certain golf club has petitioned the local Council for permission to
+play golf &ldquo;in a modified form.&rdquo; Members who recently heard the Club
+Colonel playing out of the bunker at the seventh declare that no
+substantial modification is possible.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A new invention for motorists makes a buzzing sound when the petrol tank
+is getting low. This is nothing compared with the motor-taxes invented
+by the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>, which make the motorist himself
+whistle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In the opinion of a weekly paper no dog can stand the sound of bagpipes
+without setting up a howl. This only goes to prove, what we have always
+contended, that dogs are almost human.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter50">
+<a href="images/381.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/381.jpg"
+alt="The Servant." /></a>
+<p><i>Visitor.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Why does your servant go about the house with
+her hat on?</span>&rdquo;</p>
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Oh, she&#8217;s a new girl. She only came this morning, and
+hasn&#8217;t yet made up her mind whether she&#8217;ll stay.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page382" id="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE LIBERAL BREACH.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>As viewed dispassionately by a looker-on.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">When</span> dog with dog elects to fight</p>
+<p class="i2">I take no hand in such disputes,</p>
+<p>Knowing how hard they both would bite</p>
+<p class="i2">Should I attempt to part the brutes.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So in the case of man and wife</p>
+<p class="i2">My rooted habit it has been,</p>
+<p>When they engage in privy strife,</p>
+<p class="i2">Never to go and barge between.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nor do I join the fighting front</p>
+<p class="i2">When Liberal sections disagree,</p>
+<p>One on the Coalition stunt</p>
+<p class="i2">And one on that of Freedom (Wee).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Though tempted, when I see them tear</p>
+<p class="i2">Each other&#8217;s eyes, to say, &ldquo;Be good!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As an outsider I forbear,</p>
+<p class="i2">Fearing to be misunderstood.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Fain would I use my gift of tact</p>
+<p class="i2">And take a mediatorial line,</p>
+<p>But shrewdly recognise the fact</p>
+<p class="i2">That this is no affair of mine.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet may I venture to deplore</p>
+<p class="i2">A great tradition cheaply prized,</p>
+<p>And yonder, on the Elysian shore,</p>
+<p class="i2">The ghost of <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> scandalised.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But most for him I mourn in vain</p>
+<p class="i2">Whom Fate has dealt so poor a fist</p>
+<p>(Recalling <span class="sc">Shakspeare&#8217;s</span> gloomy Dane,</p>
+<p class="i2">That solid-fleshed soliloquist)&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O curs�d spite that he was born</p>
+<p class="i2">(<span class="sc">Asquith</span>, I mean) to close the breach</p>
+<p>And save a party all forlorn</p>
+<p class="i2">By mere rotundity of speech.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="midauthor">O. S.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A LIAR&#8217;S MASTERPIECE.</h2>
+
+<p>My friend Arthur&#8217;s hobby is the stupendous. He conceives himself to be
+the direct successor of the medi�val travel-story merchants. War-tales,
+of course, are barred to him, for nothing is too improbable to have
+happened during the War, and all the best lies were used by
+professionals while Arthur was still serving. Once, however, in his
+career he has realised his ambition to be taken for a perfect liar, and
+that time he happened to be speaking the simple truth. I was his referee
+and he did it in this wise.</p>
+
+<p>When <span class="sc">Allenby</span> was making his last great drive against the Turk, he was no
+doubt happy in the knowledge that Arthur and I were pushing East through
+Bulgaria to take his adversary in the rear. We pushed with speed and
+address, but just when it looked as if we should exchange the tactical
+for the practical we stopped and rusticated at the hamlet of
+Skeetablista, on the Turco-Bulgarian frontier.</p>
+
+<p>Skeetablista was under the control of Marko and Stefan and an assorted
+following of Bulgar cut-throats. Although the mutual hatchet had been
+interred a bare three weeks we found ourselves among friends. Thomas
+Atkins was soon talking Bulgarian with ease and fluency, while his
+&ldquo;so-called superiors,&rdquo; as the company Bolshevik put it, celebrated the
+occasion by an international dinner in Marko&#8217;s quarters. The dinner
+consisted chiefly of rum (provided by us) and red pepper (provided by
+Marco and Stefan).</p>
+
+<p>These latter were bright and eager youths from Sofia military academy,
+and while the rum and red pepper passed gaily round they talked the shop
+of their Bulgarian Sandhurst in a queer mixture of English and French.
+They made living figures for us of the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, who had inspected them
+not long before, of <span class="sc">Ferdie</span> and of <span class="sc">Boris</span> his son, and told moving tales
+of British gunfire from the wrong end. We countered with <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>,
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> and the British Navy, while outside in the night the
+Thracian wolves howled derisively at both alike.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;I should like plenty to travel away and see the other countries,&rdquo; said
+Marko, rolling us cigarettes after dinner. &ldquo;This is a good country, but
+<i>ennuyant</i>. &#8217;Ow the wolfs make plenty <i>brouhaha</i> to-night, <i>hein?</i>
+Stefan, did you command the guard to conduct our frien&#8217;s &#8217;ome?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Stefan waggled his head from side to side in assent.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; continued Marko, &ldquo;to see Italie, Paris, Londres. Particulierly
+Londres.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;I live in London,&rdquo; Arthur remarked.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;You live?&rdquo; said Marko with interest. &ldquo;Tell me, &#8217;ow great is Londres?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;How great?&rdquo; repeated Arthur, doubtful what kind of greatness was
+indicated, moral or material.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;<i>Oui</i>, &#8217;ow great? From one side to the other side?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, I see,&rdquo; replied Arthur, and took thought. &ldquo;About twenty-five
+kilometres, I suppose.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Twenty-five!&rdquo; Marko&#8217;s eyes rounded with astonishment. &ldquo;<i>�coute, Stefan;
+vingt-cinq kilom�tres.</i>&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;But&mdash;but,&rdquo; demanded Stefan, &ldquo;&#8217;ow many people is there?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;About six millions,&rdquo; replied Arthur, swelling with pleasure. At last he
+had found his incredulous audience.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;But that is a nation! I do not know if there are so many in all
+Bulgarie,&rdquo; cried Marko. &ldquo;&#8217;Ow do they travel? No droski could go so
+far&mdash;it is a day&#8217;s march. But perhaps you &#8217;ave tramway? In Sofia we &#8217;ave
+tramway,&rdquo; he added, not without pride.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;There are trams, but most of the people travel in buses&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Bussesse?&rdquo; interjected Stefan. &ldquo;<i>Qu&#8217; est-ce que c&#8217;est</i>, bussesse?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Lorries&mdash;<i>camions</i>. Big automobiles containing many people. And there
+are also underground railways, railways under the ground in a tunnel.
+You know tunnels?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;<i>Oui, galleria.</i> But a railway under a town&mdash;<i>mon Dieu!</i>&rdquo; said Marko,
+appalled. &ldquo;&#8217;Ow do the people descend to it?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;In lifts&mdash;<i>ascenseurs</i>. From the street.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Stefan nodded assent. &ldquo;I &#8217;ave seen <i>ascenseurs</i> at Sofia,&rdquo; he said.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;In these tunnels,&rdquo; continued Arthur, visibly warming to his work,
+&ldquo;trains go to all parts of the town every three minutes, and the cost is
+only twenty <i>statinki</i>. The streets above are paved with wood.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;With <i>wood! Kolossal!</i>&rdquo; said Marko, forgetting our prejudice against
+Bosch idiom in his wonder at this crowning marvel.</p>
+
+<p>To what lengths of veracity Arthur would have gone I never knew, for at
+that moment a trampling of feet and a hoarse command outside announced
+the arrival of our escort, and Marko, still in a sort of walking swoon
+of amazement, went out to give them their orders.</p>
+
+<p>Stefan regarded us with twinkling eyes.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Ah, <i>farceur!</i>&rdquo; he remarked, shaking his finger waggishly at Arthur. &ldquo;I
+know all the time you make the joke, but poor Marko, you &#8217;ave deceived
+&#8217;im <i>absolument</i>. Railway under the ground, streets of wood, &#8217;e swallow
+it all. Oh, naughty <i>Baroutchik!</i>&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The wolves did not come near us and our escort on our way home, but they
+could have had Arthur for the taking. At the moment he had nothing left
+to live for.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;Johannesburg tramway men started a lightning strike on Thursday
+owing to the suspension of a conductor.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It seems a logical reason.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;Do not waste any time in entering for our &lsquo;Hidden&rsquo; Geography
+Competition.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Thanks for the advice; we won&#8217;t.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">Linacre Lecture.</span>&mdash;Dr. Henry Head, F.R.L., &lsquo;Aspasia and Kindred
+Disorders of the Speech.&rsquo;&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Cambridge Calendar.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Yet this is the lady who is supposed to have inspired the most famous of
+<span class="sc">Pericles&#8217;</span> orations.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;Furnished Railway Carriage in Surrey garden to Let; 3 beds;
+company&#8217;s water, gas-cooker, and light: 2gs. weekly.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Daisy Ashford</span> seems to have foreseen this development when she
+wrote of <i>Mr. Salteena&#8217;s</i> &ldquo;compartments.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page383" id="page383"></a>[pg 383]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/383.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/383.jpg"
+alt="The Reluctant Thruster." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">THE RELUCTANT THRUSTER.</h5>
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Asquith</span> (<i>performing the function of a battering-ram</i>).
+&ldquo;I CONFESS THAT AT MY TIME OF LIFE I SHOULD HAVE PREFERRED A MORE SEDENTARY IF LESS
+HONORIFIC SPHERE OF USEFULNESS.&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page384" id="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/384.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/384.jpg"
+alt="The Profiteer." /></a>
+<p><i>Profiteer (after trying a variety of patterns without success).</i>
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">Well, it looks pretty &#8217;opeless when they won&#8217;t &#8217;ave a gold
+fly. What do they expect&mdash;diamonds?</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PERSONAL TOUCH.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By our tireless Political Penetrator.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>For some time past, I understand, the Government has been considering
+steps to bring the personalities of Cabinet Ministers more prominently
+into the public eye. &ldquo;We are not sufficiently known,&rdquo; said Sir <span class="sc">William
+Sutherland</span>, who has the matter in hand, &ldquo;as living palpitating figures
+to the man in the street. We do not grip the nation&#8217;s heart. We lack
+pep.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>I told him that it was a pity about pep. I felt that the Government
+ought to have pep. and plenty of it. If possible they ought to have
+vineg. and must. too.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;You are right,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;Occasional paragraphs in the Press, snapshots
+which take us very likely with one leg stuck out in front as if we were
+doing the goose-step, rare provincial excursions and bouquets from
+admiring mill-girls are all very well in their way, but they are nothing
+to constant personal appearances at stated times and in stated places
+before an admiring mob. The heroes of sport are overshadowing us,&rdquo; he
+continued with a sigh, pushing me over a box of cigars.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;What are you going to do about it?&rdquo; I asked, lighting one and putting
+another carefully behind my ear.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;You must remember first,&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;that this is quite a modern
+difficulty. Statesmen of the past used to make their leisurely progress
+through the town surrounded by retainers on horseback, or in
+sedan-chairs, beautifully dressed and scattering largesse as they went.
+<span class="sc">Thomas � Becket</span>, the great Primate and Chancellor, used to have poor men
+to dine with him and crowds thronging round to bless him. To-day, I
+suppose, <span class="sc">Joe Beckett</span> in his flowered dressing-gown would be a more
+popular figure than Lord <span class="sc">Birkenhead</span> and the Archbishop of <span class="sc">Canterbury</span>, if
+you can imagine them rolled into one. In <span class="sc">Charles</span> II.&#8217;s reign, when
+politicians used to play <i>p�le-m�le</i> where the great Clubs are now,
+anyone could rub shoulders with my lord of <span class="sc">Buckingham</span> and, if he was
+lucky, get a swipe across the shins with the ducal mallet itself. That
+is the kind of thing we want now.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;I had thoughts of running popular excursions down to Walton Heath, but
+I am not sure that the people would care to go so far even to see Sir
+<span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> carrying the home green and Lord <span class="sc">Riddell</span>&mdash;the Riddell of the
+sands, as we call him affectionately down there&mdash;getting out of a
+difficult bunker. So I am trying to arrange for a few putting greens in
+railed-off spaces in St. James&#8217;s Park near the pelicans, and we also
+propose to hold there on fine summer days the breakfast parties for
+which the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> is so famous. We shall make a point of throwing
+not only crumbs to the birds, but slices of bread and marmalade to the
+more indigent spectators. We shall also try to get two or three open
+squash racket courts in Whitehall, so that on hot summer days the most
+carping critic who watches a rally between Mr. <span class="sc">Austen Chamberlain</span> and
+the <span class="sc">Secretary of State</span> for <span class="sc">War</span> will have to admit that we are doing our
+utmost to eliminate waste-products.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;But what about the clothes and the stately progress and the largesse?&rdquo;
+I asked; the largesse idea had struck me with particular force.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page385" id="page385"></a>[pg 385]</span></p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;We are thinking of goat carriages and overalls for economy,&rdquo; he said,
+&ldquo;and the largesse cannot, I am afraid, be allowed for in the Treasury
+Estimates. But we shall certainly scatter a handful or two of O.B.E.&#8217;s
+as we go.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;And how will you deal with the country and the outer suburbs?&rdquo; I asked
+when my admiration had partially subsided.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Ah, there you have the Cinema,&rdquo; replied Sir <span class="sc">William</span> enthusiastically.
+&ldquo;We are going to make great strides with the Cinema. Our first film,
+which is now in preparation, deals with the Leamington episode and has
+been very carefully staged. It has been necessary, of course, in the
+interests of art to elaborate the actual incidents to a certain extent.
+Coalition Liberals, for instance, were obliged to board the train in the
+traditional manner of the screen, leaping on to it whilst in motion and
+climbing, some by way of the brakes and buffers, some along the roofs of
+the carriages, into their reserved compartment. Then again we could not
+reassemble the actual gathering of Wee Frees to represent the enemy, but
+we secured the services of actors well trained in Wild West and &ldquo;crook&rdquo;
+parts, capably led by those two prominent comedians, <i>Mr. Mutt</i> and <i>Mr.
+Jeff</i>. The film ends, of course, with the second meeting at the Central
+Hall, Westminster, when <i>Messrs. Mutt</i> and <i>Jeff</i> again appear as comic
+and objectionable interrupters, and are ignominiously hurled into the
+street.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Very soon we hope to have all important Parliamentary debates filmed.
+It will be essential, of course, to provide some comic relief, and we
+are relying confidently on certain Members to practise the wearing of
+mobile moustaches and to take lessons in the stagger, the butter slide,
+the business with the cane and the quick reversal of the hat.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;In short you think politics should be more spectacular?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;That&#8217;s it,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;<span class="sc">Hobbs</span> the mammoth hitter and a little less of the
+<i>Leviathan</i>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Greatly impressed I bit off the end of his second cigar and went back to
+the office to look up <i>Leviathan</i>.</p>
+
+<p>V.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/385.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/385.jpg"
+alt="The Farmer." /></a>
+<p><i>Farmer.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Dear me! C-can I do anything?</span>&rdquo;</p>
+<p><i>Airman.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Thanks, but really I think I&#8217;ve done all there is to be
+done.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>An Optimist.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;The pastor of the &mdash;&mdash; Congregational Church has been ordered by
+his medical adviser to take a rest. The rev. gentleman is therefore
+spending a fortnight&#8217;s holiday in Ireland.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;During the period of waiting before the bridal party appeared, the
+organist played Wagner&#8217;s &lsquo;Bridal Chorus,&rsquo; and &lsquo;Cradle Song&rsquo;
+(Guilmant).&rdquo;&mdash;<i>West Country Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The organist seems to have been rather a forward fellow.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>With the Polo-season imminent we feel that we must not withhold from
+intending players the admirable and disinterested advice given in an
+Indian Trade circular:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;The skill of a polo player lies in his well management of horse in
+the turmoil of Play. Ill-weighed Polo sticks make the situation
+worse if the horse is not so kept.</p>
+
+<p>We try our best to construct Polo sticks in such a way as may help
+the player in the blur of game and put him in a more progressing
+mood.</p>
+
+<p>Make a real pleasure of your game and not labour as other sticks
+than ours would tend to make it. A fond player would like to give
+anything for a good stick.&rdquo;
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page386" id="page386"></a>[pg 386]</span></p>
+
+<h2>HOME-SICKNESS;</h2>
+<h4 class="sc">or, The Sinn Feiner Abroad.</h4>
+
+<p>(<i>After &ldquo;The Lake Isle of Innisfree,&rdquo; with sincere apologies to Mr. <span class="sc">W.
+B. Yeats</span>.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I will arise and go now to Galway or Tralee</p>
+<p class="i2">And burgle someone&#8217;s house there and plan a moonlight raid;</p>
+<p>Ten live rounds will I have there to shoot at the R.I.C.</p>
+<p class="i8">And wear a mask in the bomb-loud glade.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And I shall have great fun there, for fun comes fairly fast,</p>
+<p class="i2">Bonfires in the purple heather and the barracks burning fine,</p>
+<p>There midnight is a shindy and the noon is overcast</p>
+<p class="i8">And evening full of the feet of kine.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I will arise and go now, for always in my sleep</p>
+<p class="i2">There comes the sound of rifles and low moans on the shore;</p>
+<p>I see the sudden ambush and hear the widows weep,</p>
+<p class="i8">And I like that kind of war.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<p class="midauthor"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AURAL TUITION.</h2>
+
+<p>The only other occupant of the carriage was a well dressed man of middle
+age, clad in English clothes, but from many slight signs palpably a
+foreigner of some sort.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after the train started I noticed that his mouth and throat were
+twitching and I surmised that he was about to speak. But speech is no
+term in which to describe the queer animal, vegetable and mineral sounds
+which issued from him. First his mouth opened slightly and he seemed
+about to sneeze. Next I was conscious of a scraping noise in his throat,
+accompanied by a slight ticking. It appeared that he was going to have a
+fit and I regretted that we were alone. The noise grew louder, took on
+speed and rose in a crescendo almost to a screech. Then a few more
+scrapes, as of a pencil on a slate, and I began to detect that he was
+speaking. His lips did not move, so that his voice had a curiously
+distant sound. Nevertheless the words were clearly audible.</p>
+
+<p>The following is what he said in a low, metallic monotone: &ldquo;Good
+morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me what
+o&#8217;clock it is? I am much obliged. I wish to descend at Manchester. At
+what hour do we arrive there? There are few passengers to-day. The
+weather is fine. I beg your pardon if I do not make myself clear. I do
+not speak English perfectly as yet. No doubt I have need of much
+practice. Can I send a telegram from the next station? Is there a good
+hotel at Manchester? Will you do me the favour&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Stop,&rdquo; I cried, after having several times opened my mouth to answer
+one or other of his questions.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I spoke the words ended with a sudden click; the voice
+descended and became a scrape; at last silence.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;My dear Sir,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;I shall be happy to give you any information I
+can if you will ask one question at a time. You evidently speak English
+very well indeed.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>His face lighted with approval of the compliment and then the whole
+performance began over again. Once more the wheeze, the scrape, the
+screech, the tick and all the rest of it. I became terrified at these
+painful impediments in his speech.</p>
+
+<p>I remembered that somebody had once told me what to do on such
+occasions. It was either to throw the patient upon his back and move his
+arms up and down in a travesty of rowing or to slap him violently on the
+back. Seeing that the stranger was several times larger than myself I
+chose with diffidence the latter course. Rising to my feet I turned him
+round and thumped his back vigorously. He received the treatment with
+amiable smiles. Next he produced from his pocket a booklet, which he
+handed to me with a polite bow, desisting entirely from his menagerie
+noises.</p>
+
+<p>I am of a nervous temperament and needed some minutes&#8217; rest in which to
+collect myself. Then I began to examine the stranger&#8217;s gift.</p>
+
+<p>It was a well-printed pamphlet, obviously an advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;HOW TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGES.</p>
+<p><i>The One Truly Scientific Method.</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>The only way to acquire the real accent of the native is to listen
+repeatedly to the language spoken by a native. With our phonograph No.
+0034 and a selection of suitable records the student may listen for as
+many hours daily as he chooses to the voice of a native speaking his own
+language.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Lower down I saw: &ldquo;Contents of Records. No. 1, At the Hotel; No. 2, At
+the Railway Station; No. 3, In the Train.&rdquo; Ah! there it was&mdash;the whole
+monologue:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Good morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me&mdash;&mdash;?&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The explanation relieved me; I turned to my fellow-traveller.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;My dear Sir,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;I congratulate you on being the perfect pupil.
+Your teacher, could it feel such emotions, would be proud of you. Only
+to an exceptional student can it be given so faithfully to reproduce
+&lsquo;His Master&#8217;s Voice.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FIGURE-HEADS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;You never see a decent figure-&#8217;ead,</p>
+<p class="i6">Not now,&rdquo; Bill said;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A fiddlin&#8217; bit o&#8217; scrollwork at the bow,</p>
+<p class="i6">That&#8217;s the most now;</p>
+<p>But Lord! I&#8217;ve seen some beauties, more &#8217;n a few,</p>
+<p class="i6">An&#8217; some rare rum uns too.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Folks in all sorts o&#8217; queer old-fashioned rigs,</p>
+<p class="i6">Fellers in wigs,</p>
+<p>Chaps in cocked &#8217;ats an&#8217; &#8217;elmets, lords an&#8217; dukes.</p>
+<p class="i6">Folks out o&#8217; books,</p>
+<p>Niggers in turbans, mandarins an&#8217; Moors,</p>
+<p class="i6">And &#8217;eathen gods by scores;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;An&#8217; women in all kinds o&#8217; fancy dresses&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Queens an&#8217; princesses,</p>
+<p>Witches on broomsticks too, an&#8217; spankin&#8217; girls</p>
+<p class="i6">With streamin&#8217; curls,</p>
+<p>An&#8217; dragons an&#8217; sea serpents&mdash;Lord knows what</p>
+<p class="i6">I&#8217;ve seen an&#8217; what I&#8217;ve not!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;An&#8217; some&#8217;s in breakers&#8217; yards now, thick with grime</p>
+<p class="i6">And weathered white wi&#8217; time;</p>
+<p>An&#8217; some stuck up in gardens &#8217;ere an&#8217; there</p>
+<p class="i6">With plants for &#8217;air;</p>
+<p>An&#8217; no one left as knows but chaps like me</p>
+<p>How fine wi&#8217; paint an&#8217; gold they used to be</p>
+<p class="i6">In them old days at sea.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<p class="midauthor">C. F. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>&ldquo;Bag and Baggage.&rdquo;</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;According to present arrangements the Turkish Peace Treaty will be
+presented to the Turkish delegation on May 11 at 4 p.m. in the
+Cloak Room of the French Foreign Office.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>These ceremonies are usually conducted in the Salon de l&#8217;Horloge, but
+the new <i>venue</i> was doubtless thought more appropriate for disposing of
+the Turkish <i>impedimenta</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page387" id="page387"></a>[pg 387]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/387.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/387.jpg"
+alt="Manners And Modes." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">MANNERS AND MODES.</h5>
+<p style="text-align:center;">THE STRIKE AGAINST THE PRICE OF CLOTHES IS SPREADING.</p>
+<p>[<i>Fashion Note.</i>&mdash;Lady Germanda Speedwell was seen walking in the Park
+looking sweet in a rhubarb-leaf hat, the stalk worn at the side. Her
+corsage was of clinging ivy leaves, in contrast to the fuller effect of
+her banana-skin skirt. Her companion wore the usual morning-coat and
+kilt of grass, but struck a new note with a pumpkin hat.]</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page388" id="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE MAKING OF A CRISIS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[We are privileged to-day to publish an unwritten chapter from Mr. <span class="sc">H. G.
+Wells&#8217;</span> <i>History of the World</i>. It is entitled &ldquo;The Slime Age,&rdquo; and has a
+topical interest since it outlines the methods of production of the
+Crisis, the only article of which the supply to-day exceeds the demand.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Out of all this muddle and confusion and slipshod thinking there arose
+one man with a purpose, one man who fixed his eyes on a single
+inevitable goal and walked straight at it, not minding what or whom he
+trod upon on the way. His purpose was the mass-production of crises, and
+he created crises as rabbits create their young, nine at a time. In
+those fuddled incompetent days before the Great War the crisis was a
+little-known phenomenon. Here and there in the drab routine of peaceful
+corpulent years there flashed in the prosperous firmament the baleful
+light of a great anxiety. Agadir was one; <span class="sc">Carson</span> and his gun-runners was
+another. But they were few; they came like rare comets and were
+forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>Then in the Great War a new habit was born in the minds of the people,
+the habit of crises. Even then at first they came decently, in ordered
+succession&mdash;Mons, Ypres, the Coalition, Gallipoli. But the people&#8217;s
+craving was insatiable; the people cried for more crises.</p>
+
+<p>Then this man stood up and said to the people, &ldquo;I will give you crises.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>And he did. Instead of a casual crisis here and there, to every year a
+crisis or two, he gave them a crisis every month, every week, every day,
+and still they were not satisfied. And so, at last, out of all the
+muddle and waste and pettifogging stupidity this man created crises as
+men create matches, by the gross. And this was how he created them:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>Extract from &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 3rd, a paragraph in the Foreign
+Intelligence:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slimeright">&ldquo;<span class="sc">Bobadig</span>, <i>April 1st.</i></p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;A party of French mules, passing to their quarters in the vilayet of
+Arimabug, were to-day attacked by an Australian sheep on the staff of
+the British Military Mission. It is feared that many of the mules were
+injured. Feeling runs high among the peasantry, incensed already by the
+failure of the British Government to provide mosquito-nets for the
+sacred goats.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>Extract from a leading article in &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 6th, on Land
+Tenure in Wales:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p>&ldquo; ... Parliament to-day will be occupied with the preposterous Budget
+proposals, but we hope our legislators will find time to press the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span> for an explanation of the outrageous incident at Bobadig
+reported in our columns last week. There is only too good reason to fear
+that the policy of alternate violence and inertia, against which we have
+so often protested, has at last inflamed the law-abiding animals of
+Bobadig ...&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>From &ldquo;The Slime&rdquo; Special Correspondent:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slimeright">&ldquo;<span class="sc">Bobadig</span>, <i>April 8th.</i></p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Since my last message (much mutilated by the Censor) events have moved
+rapidly. Two of the mules have died of their injuries in hospital; three
+others lie in a dangerous condition at Umwidi, four miles away, where
+they fled for refuge from the wanton onslaught of the Australian sheep.
+This sheep, it now transpires, was the personal attendant of General
+Riddlecombe, Head of the Military Mission, a circumstance which is not
+calculated to allay the local animosity which the incident has aroused.
+The situation will require all the tact that the British Government can
+command.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>Extract from the Special Crisis Column of &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 11th:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slime">&ldquo;ANGLO-ARMENIAN RELATIONS.<br />GRAVE WARNING.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;In a telegram which we print in another column our Special
+Correspondent in Armenia confirms to-day the serious fears to which we
+gave expression in our issue of April 6th concerning the possibility of
+a crisis in Anglo-Armenian relations. The incident of the Bobadig mules
+is already bearing fruit, and we can no longer doubt that popular
+feeling in the vilayet of Arimabug has been dangerously inflamed by the
+obtuse procrastination of the British Government. These unfortunate
+mules....&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slimeright">&ldquo;<span class="sc">Scratchipol</span>, <i>April 10th.</i></p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Communications with Bobadig have broken down, but it is reported that a
+mule was buried there on Sunday in circumstances of great popular
+excitement. A large crowd followed the body to the cemetery and made a
+demonstration after the ceremony outside the house of the local
+veterinary surgeon, who is alleged to have treated the animal for mumps
+instead of sheep-shock, with fatal results.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>From &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 14th:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slime">&ldquo;GRAVE CRISIS.<br />ARMENIAN ANGER.<br />THE MURDERED MULES.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;As we feared, a serious crisis has arisen in Anglo-Armenian relations.
+At Bobadig a third mule has perished and his interment was made the
+occasion of a great popular demonstration against the policy of Great
+Britain. In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to conceal that the
+situation is extremely grave. The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> has returned to Downing
+Street from Le Touquet. Shortly after his arrival the Armenian Minister
+drove up in a motor-cab and was closeted with the <span class="sc">Premier</span> for a full ten
+minutes. After lunch, Lord Wurzel arrived in his brougham. At tea-time
+the Minister of Mutton-Control dashed up in a 24 &#8217;bus, followed rapidly
+by the Secretary of State for War on his scooter. Mr. Burble wore an
+anxious look....&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>Extract from a leading article in &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 16th:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slime">&ldquo;SPIT IT OUT.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;We trust it is not already too late to appeal to the Government to
+extricate the Empire from the perilous position in which their wilful
+stupidity has placed it. The news from Bobadig is exceedingly serious.
+Another of the affronted mules has perished in circumstances of the
+foulest indignity; it only remains for the other two to die for the
+triumph of British statesmanship to be complete. These wretched
+creatures are being slowly sacrificed for the foolish whim of a British
+Prime Minister. No doubt remains that they have been subjected to
+sheep-shock by the savage bites of the Australian animal. The
+Government, blinded by its own infatuate folly and deaf to the
+storms of popular indignation in this country, continues to treat them
+for mumps.... By this test the Government will be judged at the
+forthcoming election. They must realise that the time for trifling is
+past. If the resources of the British Empire are unable at this date to
+combat the menace of sheep-shock among the loyal mules of Bobadig, then
+indeed.... At least we are entitled to ask for an explanation of the
+presence of an infuriated sheep on the staff of a British General. The
+PRIME MINISTER....&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page389" id="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span></p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>From &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 17th:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slime">&ldquo;AT LAST.</p>
+
+<p>The situation in Bobadig is easing rapidly. The Government has at last
+carried out the instructions of <i>The Slime</i>, and we understand that a
+Ministerial expert in sheep-shock has been sent to the assistance of the
+surviving mules. But while we may congratulate ourselves on the lifting
+of the clouds in that direction matters in West Ham give ground for the
+gravest anxiety. The wood-lice of West Ham are proverbially of an
+irritable nature, and the attitude of the Government has been calculated
+for some time to inflame....&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><i>From &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 19th:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slime">&ldquo;BOBADIG CRISIS OVER.</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><span class="sc">Premier Yields.</span></p>
+
+<p>We are glad to report....&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p><i>From &ldquo;The Slime,&rdquo; April 20th:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="slime">&ldquo;WEST HAM CRISIS BEGINS.</p>
+
+<p class="slime"><span class="sc">Wood Lice in Revolt.</span></p>
+
+<p class="slime"><span class="sc">Grave Warning.</span></p>
+
+<p>Once again we must warn the Government....&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>And so on.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter50">
+<a href="images/388.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/388.jpg"
+alt="True Politeness." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">TRUE POLITENESS.</h5>
+<p><i>Party in Check Cap.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Will You Have My Place, Sir?</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;Three swift fierce rounds between Beckett and Wells and the 18,000
+spectators at Olympia last night witnessed the close of yet another
+great ring drama.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p>
+<p>
+&ldquo;Beckett ... bowed more by instinct than of set purpose to the
+shouting, over-wrought people who from the floor of Olympia shot up
+to the ceiling.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We had no idea until we read these paragraphs that the spectators took
+such an active part in the proceedings.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/389.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/389.jpg"
+alt="House-Hunter." /></a>
+<p><i>House-hunter (after another fruitless day).</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">What about taking this?
+We could at least hang our pictures.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE FAIRY BALL.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night;</p>
+<p>What shall I wear, for I must look right?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Search in the fields for a lady&#8217;s-smock;</p>
+<p>Where could you find you a prettier frock?&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night;</p>
+<p>What shall I do for my jewels bright?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Trouble you not for a brooch or a ring,</p>
+<p>A daisy-chain is the properest thing.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;I am asked to the ball to night, to-night;</p>
+<p>What shall I do if I shake with fright?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;When you are there you will understand</p>
+<p>That no one is frightened in Fairyland.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<p class="midauthor">R. F.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h5>&ldquo;WIT AND HUMOUR.</h5>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Ashton and District Undertakers&#8217; Association have advanced the
+prices of hearse and carriages for funerals.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If this is the kind of humour that appeals to our contemporary it should
+alter the heading to &ldquo;Grave and Gay.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page390" id="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/390.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/390.jpg"
+alt="The Luxuries Of The Rich." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">THE LUXURIES OF THE RICH.</h5>
+<p><i>Club Member (owner of thirty thousand acre estate).</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">I tell you what
+it is&mdash;I must really get my hair cut. Dash it, I&#8217;ve got the money.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>COMMUNISM AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Bolshevism and Communism claim many adherents among the young
+intellectuals at our ancient Universities.&mdash;<i>Vide Press.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>I am a Socialist, a Syndicalist, an Anarchist, a Bolshevist&mdash;whatever
+you like to call me; if you wish to be precise, an International
+Communist.</p>
+
+<p>Anyhow, as such I am opposed tooth-and-nail to the iniquity of the
+existing Competitive System. It is my intention to devote my life to its
+eradication, in whatever form it may be disguised, and to inaugurate an
+era of loving-kindness, peace, leisure and plenty, similar to that now
+enjoyed by the people of Russia.</p>
+
+<p>But my duties do not lie only in the distant future; they are here, in
+the present, facing me in the University. For never, I think, was the
+unclean thing, Competition, so prevalent and unabashed as at Cambridge
+to-day.</p>
+
+<p>Both in work and in sport is the evil rampant. Take as an example the
+reactionary custom of dividing the Tripos Honours List into three
+classes. Can you imagine anything more inducive to competition? Worse,
+it is a direct invitation to the worker&mdash;often, I am proud to say,
+unheeded&mdash;to exceed the one-hour-day for which we Communists are
+striving.</p>
+
+<p>Even more deplorable is the competitive spirit in sport; more deplorable
+because more insidious. Even those whom we are wont to regard as our
+comrades and leaders are not always proof against the canker in this
+guise. I remember paying a visit to Fenner&#8217;s, that fair field corrupted
+by competition, to raise my protest against inter-collegiate sports. To
+my indescribable grief and amazement I beheld one whom I had always
+followed and reverenced&mdash;a man of mighty voice oft lifted in
+debate&mdash;preparing to <i>compete</i> (mark the word) in a Three-Mile Race.
+&ldquo;Stay, comrade,&rdquo; I cried. He heeded me not; moreover, it certainly
+appeared to me that he attempted&mdash;thank God, unsuccessfully&mdash;to win the
+race. Maybe I go too far in ascribing to him this desire to come in
+first, with a resultant triumph over his fellows; but was not his very
+entrance a countenancing of evil? Had he considered the feelings of
+bitter enmity inspired in the many who toiled behind him? And the
+encouragement to College rivalry!&mdash;a rivalry in no way differing from
+that between nations, save that College distinctions are, of course,
+less artificial.</p>
+
+<p>It becomes obvious, I think, to every unprejudiced observer that most of
+the games now unfortunately so popular at the University&mdash;rowing,
+cricket, football and the like&mdash;<i>must go</i>. But let it not be assumed
+that the Communist is averse from recreation properly conducted; far
+from it. There is no possible objection to diabolo or top-spinning, for
+instance, and, though competitive marbles must not be played (whether on
+the Senate House steps or elsewhere), solitaire may be permitted as in
+no way provoking the deplorable spirit of rivalry.</p>
+
+<p>Of other games the Communist will discard bridge, billiards and &ldquo;general
+post&rdquo;; and even &ldquo;hunt-the-slipper&rdquo; and &ldquo;hide-and-seek&rdquo; are not
+altogether free from the competitive taint. But an excellent game is
+open to him in &ldquo;patience,&rdquo; while there is no pastime more indicative of
+the true Communistic spirit than &ldquo;ring-a-ring o&#8217; roses,&rdquo; so long as
+proper care be taken that at the last &ldquo;tishu&rdquo; all the players collapse
+simultaneously.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/391.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/391.jpg"
+alt="Homage From The Brave." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">HOMAGE FROM THE BRAVE.</h5>
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="sc">Old Contemptible</span>&rdquo; (<i>to Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary</i>). &ldquo;WELL,
+MATE, I HAD TO STICK IT AGAINST A PRETTY DIRTY FIGHTER, BUT THANK GOD I
+NEVER HAD A JOB QUITE LIKE YOURS.&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page392" id="page392"></a>[pg 392]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page393" id="page393"></a>[pg 393]</span></p>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Monday, May 10th.</i>&mdash;But for the presence of a handful of Irish Peers
+and of Sir <span class="sc">Edward Clarke</span> (looking little older than when he pulverised
+<span class="sc">Gladstone&#8217;s</span> second Home Rule scheme in 1893) you would never have
+thought that this was the first day in Committee of the Bill &ldquo;for the
+better government of Ireland.&rdquo; The Ulstermen were on duty in full force,
+but the bench on which the Nationalists are wont to sit was, like their
+beloved country, &ldquo;swarming with absentees.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<div class="figright">
+<a href="images/393-1.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/393-1.jpg"
+alt="Harlequin&#8217;s Offensive." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">HARLEQUIN&#8217;S OFFENSIVE.</h5>
+<p style="text-align:center"><span class="sc">Lord Hugh Cecil.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Hugh Cecil</span>, like <i>Harlequin</i>, smote everyone impartially, one of
+his most telling strokes being the remark that the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> could
+not distinguish between the art of winning an election and the art of
+governing a country; but otherwise his performance was about on a par
+with that of Mr. <span class="sc">Jack Jones</span>, who spoke against the Amendment and voted
+for it. Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law&#8217;s</span> declaration that the Bill, however unacceptable
+to Ireland at the moment, furnished the only hope of ultimate
+settlement, coupled with the Ulster leader&#8217;s promise that, much as he
+loathed the idea of a separate Parliament, he would work it for all he
+was worth, carried the day. Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith&#8217;s</span> Amendment was knocked out by
+259 to 55.</p>
+
+<p>In subsequent Amendments other Members attempted to emphasise the idea
+of ultimate union by calling the statutory bodies &ldquo;Councils&rdquo; instead of
+&ldquo;Parliaments,&rdquo; and by setting up a single Senate to control them both.
+But they did not meet with acceptance. Captain <span class="sc">Elliott</span> thought the first
+as absurd as the idea that you could make two dogs agree by chaining
+them together, and Mr. <span class="sc">Long</span> dismissed the second with the remark (which
+shows how rapidly his political education has advanced since the
+Parliament Act) that he was in great doubt as to whether a Second
+Chamber was in itself a protection for minorities.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, May 11th.</i>&mdash;Lord <span class="sc">Londonderry</span> moved the second reading of the
+Air Navigation Bill. An important part of the Bill relates to trespass
+or nuisance by aeroplanes. The rights of the property-owner <i>usque ad
+c&oelig;lum</i> will obviously have to be considerably modified if commercial
+aviation is to be possible; but Lord <span class="sc">Montagu</span> entered a <i>caveat</i> against
+accepting the provisions of the Bill in this regard without close
+examination. Constant flying over a man&#8217;s house or property might, as he
+said, constitute a serious nuisance. Imagine an &ldquo;air-drummer,&rdquo; if one
+may so call him, hovering over a Royal garden-party and showering down
+leaflets on the distinguished guests.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft">
+<a href="images/393-2.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/393-2.jpg"
+alt="A Protesting Convert." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">A PROTESTING CONVERT.</h5>
+<p style="text-align:center"><span class="sc">Sir Edward Carson.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>The little <i>coterie</i> that is so nervously anxious lest this country
+should do anything to assist the Poles in their attacks on the
+Bolshevists was particularly active this afternoon. Even the <span class="sc">Speaker&#8217;s</span>
+large tolerance is beginning to give out. One of the gang announced his
+intention of repeating a question already answered. &ldquo;And I give notice,&rdquo;
+said Mr. <span class="sc">Lowther</span>, &ldquo;that if the hon. and gallant Member does repeat it I
+shall not allow it to appear on the Notice-paper.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>Another hon. Member wanted to know why, if we were not helping the
+Poles, we kept a British mission at Warsaw. &ldquo;Among other things,&rdquo;
+replied Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>, &ldquo;to enable me to answer questions put to me
+here.&rdquo; A third sought information regarding the expenditure of the
+Secret Service money, and was duly snubbed by Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> with the
+reply that if he answered the question the Service would cease to be
+secret.</p>
+
+<p>The rejection of the Finance Bill was moved by Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span>. In his
+view the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span> was making a great mistake in trying to pay off
+debt, especially if it meant the taxation of such harmless luxuries as
+champagne and cigars. &ldquo;Let posterity pay,&rdquo; was his motto. Still, if Mr.
+<span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> was determined to persist in his foolish course, let him
+give him (Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span>) a free hand and he would guarantee to raise a
+thousand millions in a month. The best comment on this oration was
+furnished by Mr. <span class="sc">Barnes</span>, who strongly advocated a tax upon
+advertisements.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page394" id="page394"></a>[pg 394]</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, May 12th.</i>&mdash;The prevalent notion that the only road a
+Scotsman cares about is that which leads to England cannot be maintained
+in face of Lord <span class="sc">Balfour&#8217;s</span> vigorous indictment of the Ministry of
+Transport for its neglect of the highways in his native Clackmannan. The
+Duke of <span class="sc">Sutherland</span> was equally eloquent about the deplorable state of
+the Highlands, where the people were not even allowed telephones to make
+up for their lack of transport facilities. &ldquo;Evil communications corrupt
+good manners,&rdquo; and there was real danger that the Highlanders would vote
+&ldquo;Wee Free&rdquo; at the next General Election. Appalled by this prospect, no
+doubt, Lord <span class="sc">Lytton</span> hastened to return a soft answer, from which we
+learned that three-quarters of a million had already been allocated to
+Scottish roads, and gathered that the dearest ambition of Sir <span class="sc">Eric
+Geddes</span> was to share the fame of the hero immortalised in the famous
+lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Had you seen but these roads before they were made</p>
+<p>You would hold up your hands and bless General <span class="sc">Wade</span>.&rdquo;</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figright">
+<a href="images/393-3.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/393-3.jpg"
+alt="&ldquo;SUMER IS Y-CUMEN IN.&rdquo;" /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">&ldquo;SUMER IS Y-CUMEN IN.&rdquo;</h5>
+<p style="text-align:center"><span class="sc">Sir Robert Horne welcomes a useful ally.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Only Mr. <span class="sc">Kipling</span> could do full justice to the story of the abduction,
+pursuit and recapture&mdash;all within thirty-six hours&mdash;of an English lady
+at Peshawar. Even as officially narrated by Mr. <span class="sc">Montagu</span> it was
+sufficiently exciting. The most curious and reassuring fact was that all
+the actors in the drama, abductors and rescuers alike, were Afridis. It
+is to be hoped that this versatile community includes a cinematograph
+operator, and that a film will, like the lady, shortly be &ldquo;released.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>The miners&#8217; representatives made an unselfish protest against the
+increase in the price of coal. Although it would justify them in
+demanding a further increase in their present inadequate wage they did
+not believe it was necessary or, at any rate, urgent. Sir <span class="sc">Robert Horne</span>
+assured them that it was, and that the present moment&mdash;the season in
+happier days of &ldquo;Lowest Summer Prices&rdquo;&mdash;had been selected as the least
+inconvenient to the public.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, May 13th.</i>&mdash;Ireland maintains its pre-eminence as the land of
+paradox. Among the hunger-strikers recently released from Mountjoy
+prison were (by an accident) several men who had actually been
+convicted. The House learned to its surprise that these men cannot be
+re-arrested, but are out for good (their own, though possibly not the
+community&#8217;s); whereas the untried (and possibly innocent) suspects may
+be re-arrested at any moment.</p>
+
+<p>The new Profiteering Bill, which, to judge by the criticisms levelled
+against its exceptions and safeguards, will be about as effective as its
+predecessor, was read a third time. So was the Health Insurance Bill,
+but not until a few Independent Liberals, led by Captain <span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span>,
+had been rebuked for their obstructive tactics by Mr. <span class="sc">Myers</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Neil
+Maclean</span> of the Labour Party. As the small hours grew larger this split
+in the Progressive ranks developed into a yawning chasm, and the
+Government got a third Bill passed before the weary House adjourned at
+six o&#8217;clock.</p>
+
+<div class="clearfloats"></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/394.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/394.jpg"
+alt="Fag End." /></a>
+<p><i>Sergeant.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">&#8217;Old yer &#8217;eads up! All the fag ends was
+picked up long afore you&mdash;&mdash; &#8217;Ere, what the&mdash;&mdash;?</span>&rdquo;</p>
+<p><i>Old Soldier (who has produced a small note-book).</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">All right,
+Sergeant, I&#8217;m only keeping a record of the &lsquo;fag end&rsquo; joke. I&#8217;ve now
+heard it two thousand four hundred and seventeen times.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;It has been arranged that the Speaker shall make the presentation
+of plate [to Miss <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>], and Mr. Lloyd George and Mr. Asquith
+will take part.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It is hoped that they will leave a substantial portion for the bride.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page395" id="page395"></a>[pg 395]</span></p>
+
+<h2>A SMALL FARM.</h2>
+
+<p>To all of you who have begun to gaze pensively at railway posters, to
+furrow your brows over maps and guide-books, or hover sheepishly about
+the inquiry offices of Holiday Touring Agencies, I would whisper: &ldquo;Go to
+a small farm and bask.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<p>You will note that I say a <i>small</i> farm. A large farm has much that is
+pleasant and pungent about it, but to my mind you cannot bask properly
+on a large farm. You are too much in the way. The medley of barns,
+byres, styes, rods, poles and perches is a hive of restless energy.
+Unless you are walking about with a bucket or prodding something with a
+stick you feel you have no right to be there. On a large farm you are
+expected to accompany your host across a couple of ten-acre fields to
+look at his young wheat. Some people can tell what is the matter with a
+field of young wheat by merely leaning on a gate and glancing at it.
+Unless I can feel its pulse or take its temperature I cannot tell
+whether young wheat is suffering from whooping-cough or nasal catarrh.
+All I can do is to nod my head sagely and say that, considering the sort
+of Government we have got, it looks pretty flourishing. Then my host
+remarks that he has got a young bull in Bodger&#8217;s Paddock (about three
+miles across country) that it will do my heart good to see. That is the
+worst of a large farm; anything you want is sure to be several fields
+away from you.</p>
+
+<p>Now at the small farm which I recommend, but the address of which I am
+not going to give away, you may lie and bask by the duck pond and be
+quite in the picture. Further, if a sudden irresistible desire for
+something&mdash;a hoe or a cow, for example&mdash;should come over you, you have
+only to put out your hand and grab it. There is a compactness about the
+place. They do not put the cattle in odd fields five miles apart, but
+leave them to lounge round the duck pond or sit in the front garden,
+where they can be collected without effort. There are no energetic
+squads of farm-labourers; no bustling battalions of land-girls with
+motor-plough attachments. The outdoor staff is generally to be found
+sitting on a bucket by the duck pond rubbing at a bit of harness and
+looking decently rural. When he has rubbed the harness he stands up and
+looks at the young wheat. Then he turns round and glances at the
+mangel-wurzel field. If the appearance of it displeases him he reaches
+out for a rake and puts it right. Then he sits on the bucket again and
+has lunch.</p>
+
+<p>When you go to bed at this farm you knock your head against the lintel
+of the sitting-room with a force corresponding to your height and
+vitality. Then you hit your head a second time when ascending the stairs
+and again on entering the bedroom. If you are a heavy breather you sweep
+the ceiling clear of flies and cobwebs while you sleep. At dawn, or
+possibly an hour or so before (for he is a nervously conscientious
+bird), the farm cock steps off the roof of the cow-shed on to your
+window-sill and bursts into enthusiastic admiration of himself and
+things in general. Some people of an egoistic and unimaginative
+temperament get up at once, in order that they may spend the rest of the
+day telling you how much they enjoyed the sunrise and what a fool you
+were to miss it. The true basker, on the other hand, declines to be a
+party to a procedure which destroys the whole poetry of dawn and reduces
+the proud chanticleer to the sordid status of an alarum-clock. He simply
+pushes the bird off the window-sill with his foot, turns over and goes
+to sleep. And later on, when the sound of other people knocking their
+heads against various portions of the building arouses him, he goes to
+sleep again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter50">
+<a href="images/395.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/395.jpg"
+alt="Member of the New Plutocracy." /></a>
+<p><i>Shopman.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Are you sure one will be sufficient?</span>&rdquo;</p>
+<p><i>Member of the New Plutocracy.</i>
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">Well, I&#8217;ve only one neck, ain&#8217;t I?</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;<span class="sc">Country Joiner</span> Wanted.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>To work on the Channel Tunnel?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page396" id="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span></p>
+
+<h2>BRIDGING THE LITERARY GULF.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>Famous Publisher&#8217;s Great Scheme of Reconciliation.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Hearing on good authority that Mr. Blinkingham, the well-known
+publisher, was about to launch an enterprise of a magnitude only
+comparable with that of the <i>Ency. Brit.</i> or the <i>D.N.B.</i>, Mr. Punch
+hastened to headquarters for confirmation of the report, was graciously
+admitted to his presence and furnished with the following interesting
+details. Mr. Blinkingham, it may be mentioned, is at all points a finely
+equipped representative of his class, handsome, well-groomed and wearing
+his monocle with distinction. His sanctum is furnished with delightfully
+catholic taste&mdash;Louis Quinze furniture, a Japanese embossed wall-paper,
+pictures by <span class="sc">Botticelli</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Wyndham Lewis</span> and statuettes of <span class="sc">Plato</span>,
+<span class="sc">Voltaire</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Wells</span> (the Historian, not the Bombardier).</p>
+
+<p>After some preliminary observations on the deplorable condition of the
+pulp industry, Mr. Blinkingham unfolded his colossal scheme. &ldquo;By way of
+preface,&rdquo; remarked the great literary <i>impresario</i>, &ldquo;let me call your
+attention to the momentous statement made by the Editor of <i>The
+Athen�um</i> in the issue of May 7th: &lsquo;We doubt whether there has ever been
+a generation of men of letters so startlingly uneducated as this, so
+little interested in the study of the great writers before them.&rsquo; The
+Editor of <i>The Athen�um</i> takes a most gloomy view of the situation,
+which is fraught with an atmosphere of hostility and suspicion inimical
+to a revival of criticism. Yet he sees in such a revival the only way of
+salvation, the only means of healing the internecine feud which is now
+convulsing the young literary world.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;For my own part I am convinced that a better way is to lure back the
+modernists to a study of great writers by presenting them in a more
+palatable form, not by compressing or abridging them&mdash;for that has been
+tried before&mdash;but by having them re-written in conformity with
+present-day standards by eminent contemporary writers. This notion had
+been germinating in my head for some time past, but I did not see my way
+clear until I read the luminous and epoch-making remark of Mr. <span class="sc">C. K.
+Shorter</span>, that he would sooner have written <i>Tom Jones</i> than any book
+published these two hundred years. In a moment, in a flash, my scheme
+took shape. &lsquo;He shall write it, or rather re-write it,&rsquo; I said to
+myself, and I have already submitted to this eminent man of letters my
+rough <i>scenario</i> of the lines on which <span class="sc">Fielding&#8217;s</span> novel should be
+brought home to the Georgian mind. In reply he has made a
+counter-suggestion that the characters should be rearranged on a
+Victorian basis, <span class="sc">Charlotte Bront�</span> replacing <i>Sophia</i>, <span class="sc">Thackeray</span> <i>Mr.
+Allworthy</i>, while the title-r�le should be assigned to an enterprising
+publisher. But I am not without hope that he will adopt my plan.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;The revival of interest in the works of <span class="sc">Richardson</span>, the other great
+eighteenth-century novelist, is, I think I may safely say, a foregone
+conclusion. Miss <span class="sc">Dorothy Richardson</span> has enthusiastically welcomed the
+proposition that she should reconstruct the romances of her illustrious
+namesake, and confidently expects, on the basis of the method employed
+by her in <i>The Tunnel</i>, that she will be able to excavate at least a
+hundred volumes from the materials supplied in <i>Sir Charles Grandison</i>
+and <i>Clarissa Harlowe</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Nor shall we overlook the earlier masters. Professor <span class="sc">Chamberlin</span>, whose
+thrilling lectures on <span class="sc">Queen Elizabeth</span> and Lord <span class="sc">Leicester</span> have been the
+talk of the town for the last fortnight, has kindly undertaken to
+organise a new <i>variorum</i> version of the Plays of <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>, with the
+assistance of Mr. <span class="sc">Looney</span>, the writer of the recently-published and final
+work on the authorship of the plays. <span class="sc">Milton</span> will be presented in both
+verse and prose, Mr. <span class="sc">Masefield</span> having promised to re-write his epic in
+six-lined rhymed stanzas, shorn of Latinisms; while a famous novelist,
+who does not wish her name to appear at present, has consented to recast
+it in the form of a romance under the title of <i>The Miseries of
+Mephistopheles</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;Returning to the eighteenth century, I am glad to be able to say that a
+brilliant reconstruction of <span class="sc">Pope&#8217;s</span> <i>Dunciad</i> is promised by the <span class="sc">Sitwell</span>
+family, in which the milk-and-water school is held up to ridicule, with
+<span class="sc">Tennyson</span> in the place of dishonour formerly occupied by <span class="sc">Theobald</span>. With a
+magnanimity that cannot be too highly commended, the staff of <i>The
+Times</i> has undertaken to adapt another forgotten work under the title of
+<i>Grey&#8217;s Eulogy</i>, with special reference to the work of the League of
+Nations.</p>
+
+<p>&ldquo;I confess to feeling rather doubtful as to the possibility of reviving
+any interest in the works of <span class="sc">Scott</span>, <span class="sc">Dickens</span> and <span class="sc">Thackeray</span>. They are at
+once too near and too far. Still I hope to persuade Miss <span class="sc">Rebecca West</span> to
+try her hand at <i>Vanity Fair</i>. Then there is <span class="sc">George Eliot</span>, another
+uncertain quantity, though perhaps something might be made of <i>The Mill
+on the Floss</i> if it were renamed <i>Tulliver&#8217;s Travels</i>, and given an
+up-to-date industrial atmosphere by Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Bennett</span>. I have my eye on
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lytton Strachey</span> as the man who could make a fine modern version of
+<i>Tom Brown&#8217;s Schooldays</i>. At the moment he is too busy with his <i>Life of
+Queen <span class="sc">Victoria</span></i>, but I feel sure he will not lightly abandon so splendid
+an opportunity of unmasking the pedantry and pietism of Dr. <span class="sc">Arnold</span> and
+throwing the white light of truth on &lsquo;Rugby Chapel.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BIRD CALLS.</h2>
+
+<h4>III.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The robin helps to brighten Winter days</p>
+<p>And, if you listen carefully, he says,</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh please, oh please do leave some crumbs for me;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It&#8217;s greed, but still he says it cheerily.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The starling rolls his &ldquo;r&#8217;s&rdquo; with unctuous joy</p>
+<p>And, preening, wonders whom he may annoy,</p>
+<p>Then imitates a hen, a water-fowl</p>
+<p>And next the &ldquo;Be quick&rdquo; of a white barn-owl.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The heron has a fierce and yellow eye</p>
+<p>And eats up all our fishes on the sly;</p>
+<p>There seems to be but one he deigns to like,</p>
+<p>For all I hear him say is simply &ldquo;Pike.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Tree-creepers, like some busy brown field-mice,</p>
+<p>Unwearying chase the furtive fat wood-lice,</p>
+<p>Then round the oak-tree&#8217;s bole they slyly peep</p>
+<p>And tell you what you thought you knew&mdash;&ldquo;We creep.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>This is the way the sparrow calls his mate;</p>
+<p>He says it early and he says it late,</p>
+<p>He says it softly, but he says it clear:</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Come unto me, come unto me, my dear.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Dress at the Curzon Wedding.</h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Princess &mdash;&mdash; wore a black hat, a cloak of tailless ermine, and a
+black and silver toque.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i></p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then came Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; in a dull golf hat.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily Graphic.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>As a protest, we suppose, against the other lady&#8217;s extravagance in
+wearing a couple of hats.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;John &mdash;&mdash;, a coloured man, was charged with using obscure language
+in Maria Street. The magistrates fined him 5s.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Welsh Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Most unfair! Lots of men do the very same thing in Parliament and get
+paid four hundred pounds a year for it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Heading from pp. 516, 517 of <i>Punch&#8217;s</i> official rival, <i>The Telephone
+Directory:</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">Subscribers should not engage ****** the telephonists in
+conversation.</span>&rdquo;
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We should ourselves have placed the asterisks after the word &ldquo;<span class="sc">the</span>.&rdquo;</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page397" id="page397"></a>[pg 397]</span></p>
+
+<h2>ROYAL ACADEMY&mdash;SECOND DEPRESSIONS.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;padding:2%;">
+<a href="images/397-1.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-1.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="Study Of A Child." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Study of a child, some goats and a horse. The horse is
+full of fire and looks as if he had just sprung from his rockers.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:55%;padding:2%;">
+<a href="images/397-2.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-2.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="Double Or Quit." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">&ldquo;Double or Quit.&rdquo; A sporting offer by a profiteering landlord.</span>
+</p></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:55%;padding:2%;">
+<a href="images/397-3.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-3.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="Rosamond And Elinor." /></a>
+<p><i>Fair Rosamond.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Oh, my goodness! Is that a dagger?</span>&rdquo;</p>
+<p><i>Queen Elinor.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Quite right, but it&#8217;s only to heighten the dramatic
+effect. I knew you would prefer poison.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;padding:2%;">
+<a href="images/397-4.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-4.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="The Exhausted Sitter." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">The exhausted sitter and the inexorable artists.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:55%;padding:2%;">
+<a href="images/397-5.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-5.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="Prehistoric Prize-Fighters." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Prehistoric prize-fighters removing a heavy-weight
+champion after his defeat.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="clearfloats"></div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:55%;padding:2%;">
+<a href="images/397-6.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-6.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="Window-Dressing." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Window-dressing is now one of the fine arts. A charming
+group of wax figures made to the order of Messrs. Whiteridge.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;padding:2%;" >
+<a href="images/397-7.jpg">
+<img src="images/397-7.jpg" width="100%"
+alt="Excited Bather." /></a>
+<p><i>Excited Bather.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Something queer about these rocks. One
+of them is tickling me on the back!</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<div class="clearfloats"></div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page398" id="page398"></a>[pg 398]</span></p>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<h4>&ldquo;<span class="sc">Why Marry?</span>&rdquo;</h4>
+
+<p>This is a protracted discussion of a venerable topic and takes place in
+a sun-parlour, which I regret to say is the brightest thing about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>John</i> is a dollar-snob&mdash;it is <i>John&#8217;s</i> parlour&mdash;and has two sisters,
+<i>Jean</i> and <i>Helen</i>. <i>John</i> is easily the heavy-weight champion in stage
+brothers. Sister <i>Jean</i>, who is entirely dependent on <i>John</i>, loves a
+poor man, but under <i>John&#8217;s</i> guidance traps a rich one. Sister <i>Helen</i>
+(who has a job) also loves a poor man, but thinks marriage not good
+enough. This was, I imagine, due chiefly to living with <i>John</i> and <i>Mrs.
+John</i>. She may have got a touch of the sun-parlour. Her man is a
+terrific young scientist, who once with four colleagues deliberately let
+a dangerous Cuban mosquito nibble his arm. The colleagues died while
+<i>Ernest</i> survived, which I regretted. However he became demonstrator at
+the Institute of Bacteriology, with <i>Helen</i> as his assistant, and in the
+excitement of the imminent discovery of his new bacillus the two spend
+the night in the laboratory totally unchaperoned. The discovery saved
+thousands of American babes, but it ruined <i>Helen&#8217;s</i> reputation.</p>
+
+<p>Here the narrative becomes confused, but anyhow <i>John</i>, who was a
+trustee of the Institute, spent the three Acts in alternately sacking
+and reinstating <i>Helen</i> and <i>Ernest</i>, in thinking of a salary, doubling
+it, adding thousands of dollars to it and taking away the salary first
+thought of, together with the additions (and so <i>da capo</i>), according as
+he wished to prevent the marriage because of <i>Ernest&#8217;s</i> poverty, or
+bring it off because of <i>Ernest&#8217;s</i> disposition to take <i>Helen</i> to Paris
+(France) and dispense with empty rites, or postpone it to gain time, or,
+on the contrary, have it celebrated between the dressing and the dinner
+gongs in order to announce it to important members of the family, who,
+if I understood the butler aright, had already fallen on their food
+while host and hostess, two pairs of lovers, Uncle <i>Everett</i> and Cousin
+<i>John</i> were bickering in the sun-parlour.</p>
+
+<p>Cousin <i>Theodore</i>, a guileless and dollarless clergyman, padded about on
+the outskirts of the discussion, making obvious remarks about the
+sanctity of marriage and enunciating the highest principles, which he
+promptly swallowed. But it was Uncle <i>Everett</i>, the judge (the only
+human figure in the bunch), who grasped the fact (long after I did, but
+let that pass) that the two principal young egotists simply loved being
+talked over at such gross length. To put an end to the business he used
+a trick whereby, apparently according to the law of the unnamed State in
+which the parlour was situate, the two were legally married without
+intending it. They had the tact to accept this solution, and this
+softened my heart towards them for the first time.</p>
+
+<p>It was amusing to see Mr. <span class="sc">Aubrey Smith</span> wondering how on earth he had got
+into this play, and Mr. <span class="sc">A. E. George</span> prowling about the stage intent
+apparently on showing how many ways there are of uttering &ldquo;Pshaw!&rdquo; and
+&ldquo;Tut-tut!&rdquo; or noise to that effect. It isn&#8217;t as easy as it ought to be
+to do justice to players playing impossible parts; to Miss <span class="sc">Henrietta
+Watson</span> struggling pluckily and skilfully with her <i>Mrs. John</i>; or to Mr.
+<span class="sc">Cowley Wright</span> or Miss <span class="sc">Rosa Lynd</span>, so perfectly appalling did <i>Ernest</i> and
+<i>Helen</i> seem to me and so anxious was I to get them off to Paris
+respectably or otherwise. They never, by the way, gave me the faintest
+impression that they could ever have done work of any value in their
+laboratory.</p>
+
+<p>I have no idea what the moral of this modern mystery play may be, but I
+did gather that the authoress was seriously perplexed, not perhaps in
+any startlingly new way, about the difficulties of marriage and the
+conventional hypocrisies that hedge round that honourable institution,
+but just forgot that serious argument cannot easily be conveyed through
+the medium of fantastically impossible and uninteresting people in an
+extravagantly farcical situation. The play was kindly received.</p>
+
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter50">
+<a href="images/398.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/398.jpg"
+alt="Why Marry." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">&ldquo;WHY MARRY?&rdquo;</h5>
+<p><i>Mr. <span class="sc">C. Aubrey Smith</span> (Uncle Everett).</i>
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">Do <i>you</i> know the answer?</span>&rdquo;</p>
+<p><i>Miss <span class="sc">Henrietta Watson</span> (Lucy).</i>
+&ldquo;<span class="sc">There are a good many questions about
+this play that I wouldn&#8217;t care to have to answer.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE MADNESS OF THE MACNAMARA.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>From the Gaelic&mdash;with apologies to <span class="sc">Bon Gaultier</span>.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Weefrees swore a feud</p>
+<p class="i2">Against the clan McGeorgy;</p>
+<p>Marched to Leamington</p>
+<p class="i2">To hold a pious orgy;</p>
+<p>For they did resolve</p>
+<p class="i2">To extirpate the vipers</p>
+<p>With thirty stout M.P.s</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the Northsquith &ldquo;pipers.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Lads,&rdquo; said <span class="sc">Hogge</span> and <span class="sc">Benn</span></p>
+<p class="i2">To their faithful scholars,</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We shall need to fight</p>
+<p class="i2">To retain the dollars;</p>
+<p>Here&#8217;s <span class="sc">Mhic-mac-Namara</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Coming with his henchmen,</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Hewart, Kellaway</span></p>
+<p class="i2">And several Front-Bench men.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr style="text-align: left; margin-left: 3em; width: 5em;" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Coot-tay to you, Sirs,&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">Said <span class="sc">Mhic-mac-Namara</span></p>
+<p>In a voice that reached</p>
+<p class="i2">From Leamington to Tara;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So you&#8217;d drum us out</p>
+<p class="i2">To enjoy your plunder,</p>
+<p>Adding to a crime</p>
+<p class="i2">Suicidal blunder.&rdquo;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But the brave Weefrees,</p>
+<p class="i2">Heedless of his bawling,</p>
+<p>Drowned him with the storm</p>
+<p class="i2">Of their caterwauling;</p>
+<p>So <span class="sc">Mhic-mac-Namara</span></p>
+<p class="i2">And the valiant <span class="sc">Kellaway</span></p>
+<p>Gave some warlike howls</p>
+<p class="i2">And in haste got well away.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In this sorry style</p>
+<p class="i2">Died ta Liberal Party,</p>
+<p>Which in days of old</p>
+<p class="i2">Had been strong and hearty;</p>
+<p>This, good Mr. Punch,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is ta true edition;</p>
+<p>Here&#8217;s your fery coot health</p>
+<p class="i2">And&mdash;bless ta Coalition!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Another Impending Apology.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;We are glad to be able to state in reference to our Pastor that,
+though much improved in health, he is still unfit to resume his
+work amongst us.&rdquo;&mdash;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&mdash;&mdash; <i>Congregational Magazine.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+&ldquo;This should bring joy to the heart of every resolutionary
+Socialist.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>The Workers&#8217; Dreadnought.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>All the Socialists we have met answer to this description.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page399" id="page399"></a>[pg 399]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter100">
+<a href="images/399.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/399.jpg"
+alt="Adventures Of A Post-War Sportsman." /></a>
+<h5 class="caption">&ldquo;ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.&rdquo;</h5>
+<p><i>P.-W. S. (otter-hunting for the first time).</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Tired? Cooked to a
+turn! I wouldn&#8217;t &#8217;ave come so far but one of your chaps told me you &#8217;ad
+a strong drag up the river and I thought we might all go &#8217;ome in it. And
+now &#8217;e says it&#8217;s only a smell &#8217;e meant.</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch&#8217;s Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>I should certainly call Mr. <span class="sc">Compton Mackenzie</span> our first living expositor
+of London in fiction. Indeed the precision with which, from his Italian
+home, he can recapture the aspect and atmosphere of London
+neighbourhoods is itself an astonishing feat. In <i>The Vanity Girl</i>
+(<span class="sc">Cassell</span>) he has happily abandoned the rather breathless manner induced
+by the migratious <i>Sylvia Scarlett</i>, and returns to the West Kensington
+of <i>Sinister Street</i>, blended subsequently with that theatrical Bohemia
+in which <i>Jenny Pearl</i> danced her little tragedy. There is something
+(though by no means all) of the interest of <i>Carnival</i> in the new stage
+story; that the adventures of <i>Dorothy</i> lack the compelling charm of her
+predecessor is inevitable from the difference in temperament of the two
+heroines and the fact that Mr. <span class="sc">Mackenzie</span> with all his art has been
+unable to rouse more than dispassionate interest in what is really a
+study of successful egotism. From the moment when, in the first chapter,
+we encounter <i>Dorothy</i> (whose real name was <i>Norah</i>) washing her hair at
+a window in Lonsdale Road, an eligible <i>cul-de-sac</i> ending in a railway
+line, beyond which a high rampart marked the reverse of the Earl&#8217;s Court
+Exhibition panorama, to that final page on which we take leave of her as
+a widowed countess, sacrificing her future for the sake of an Earl&#8217;s
+Court of a different <i>genre</i>, her career, sentimental, financial and
+matrimonial, is told with amazing vivacity but a rather conspicuous lack
+of emotional appeal. It is perhaps an unequal book; in parts as good as
+the author&#8217;s best, in others hurried and perfunctory. One of our more
+superior Reviews was lately debating Mr. <span class="sc">Mackenzie&#8217;s</span> command of the
+&ldquo;memorable phrase.&rdquo; There are a score here that I should delight to
+quote, even if the setting is not always entirely worthy of them.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>So long as &ldquo;<span class="sc">Berta Ruck</span>&rdquo; will write for us such pretty books as
+<i>Sweethearts Unmet</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>), we need never feel ourselves
+dependent on America for our supply of sugary novels. This home-grown
+variety is just as sweet, and really, I think, may be guaranteed not
+only harmless but positively beneficial. The authoress has evidently a
+tender pity for the young men and women whom our social conditions doom
+either to have no companions among their contemporaries or only the
+wrong ones. Her heroine represents the too-much-sheltered girl alone in
+an elderly circle, her hero the lonely young man who has no means of
+getting to know people of his own sort (I can&#8217;t say class, because the
+authoress seems rather uncertain about that herself). Her story is
+written in alternate instalments by &ldquo;the boy&rdquo; and &ldquo;the girl,&rdquo; a method
+which encourages intimacy in the telling as well as a sort of gushing
+attention to the reader not so pleasant. Miss <span class="sc">Nora Schlegel</span> has drawn a
+pretty picture of <i>Julia</i> and <i>Jack</i> to adorn the wrapper, and I can
+assure everyone who cares to know it that they are just as nice as they
+look; <i>Jack&#8217;s</i> passion for abbreviation (&ldquo;rhodos&rdquo; for rhododendrons)
+being the only ground of quarrel I have with them or their creator.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page400" id="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span></p>
+
+<p>In <i>Passion</i> (<span class="sc">Duckworth</span>) Mr. <span class="sc">Shaw Desmond</span> desperately wants to say
+something terrific about love, money and power. His violence makes one
+feel that one is reading under a shower of brickbats, and it is the
+effort of dodging these which perhaps distracts the mind from his
+message. (Is he a Marinettist, I wonder?) There are not enough words in
+the language for him, so he invents fresh ones at will; while as for
+grammar and syntax he passionately throttled them in Chapter I.; nor did
+they recover. I will own that notwithstanding all this the author has a
+way of making you read on to find out what it is all about. You don&#8217;t
+find out; but there, life&#8217;s like that, isn&#8217;t it? The author&#8217;s ideas of
+the operations of high finance are ingenuous. The <i>Mandrill</i> (do I
+rightly guess this to be a portrait distorted from the life?), who is
+out to corner copper and &ldquo;do down&rdquo; the <i>Squid</i> (head of the opposing
+copper group), is, if you are to judge by his passionate exuberance at
+board meetings, about as likely to corner the green cheese in the moon.
+I imagine the author saying, &ldquo;<i>Mandrills</i> mayn&#8217;t be like that, but
+that&#8217;s how I see &#8217;em. It&#8217;s my vision and mood that matter. Take it or
+leave it.&rdquo; Well, on the whole I should advise you to take it, first
+putting on a sort of mental tin hat. You&#8217;ll at least have gathered that
+Mr. <span class="sc">Desmond</span> is a lively writer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Of a war-story reviewed in these pages some months ago I remember taking
+occasion to say that the author had damaged his effect by a too obvious
+wish to injure the reputation of a certain cavalry brigade (or words to
+that effect). Well, a book that I have just been reading, <i>The
+Squadroon</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>), might in some sense be regarded as a counterblast to
+the former volume, since its writer, Major <span class="sc">Ardern Beaman</span>, D.S.O., has
+admittedly intended it as a vindication of the work of the cavalry in
+the Great War. I can say at once that the defence could scarcely have
+found a better advocate. Major <span class="sc">Beaman</span> (who, I think superfluously,
+figures in his own pages in the fictional character of Padre) has
+written one of the most interesting records that I have read of personal
+experience on the Western Front. Partly this is explained by his
+fortunate possession of a style at once sincere, sanely balanced and
+always engaging. Also his story, apart from the matter of it, reveals in
+the men of whom he writes (and incidentally in the writer himself) a
+combination of just those qualities that we like to call essentially
+British. Cavalrymen of course will read it with a special fervour; but I
+am mistaken if its genial temper does not disarm even so difficult a
+critic as the ex-infantry Lieutenant&mdash;than which I could hardly say
+more. In short, <i>The Squadroon</i> is a belated war book in which the most
+weary of such matters may well recapture their interest.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Written in the last great ebb and flow of the War, when the censorship
+still prevented anything like carping criticism of matters near the
+battle-front, <i>The Glory of the Coming</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) naturally
+resolves itself into a p�an of praise of the French and British armies
+in general and the American troops in particular, both white and black.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Irvin S. Cobb</span> brings good credentials to his task, for he saw the
+advance of the German army through Belgium in 1914, and in this book he
+describes the combined resistance to their last great effort before
+defeat. The accident, if we may so call it, to the Fifth Army has had
+nowhere a more eloquent apologist. &ldquo;They were like ants; they were like
+flies,&rdquo; he says of the Germans; &ldquo;they left their dead lying so thickly
+behind that finally the ground seemed as though it were covered with a
+grey carpet.&rdquo; There are interesting strictures in the later chapters on
+some of the quaint semi-official delegations and personages who
+persuaded the United States Government to let them come over and visit
+the War; and there are a number of quite good yarns of the Yankee
+private, related in the Yankee style. But better than all the American
+stories I think I like that of the Bedfordshire soldier who, when asked
+by the writer to direct him to Bl�rincourt during the chaos of the great
+retreat, replied, &ldquo;I am rather a stranger in these parts myself.&rdquo;
+Perhaps by the way I ought to make it quite clear that the title refers
+to the coming of the American troops, and that, although the line, &ldquo;He
+is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored,&rdquo; is
+also quoted in the prefatory stanza, there is nothing in the book about
+Mr. <span class="sc">&ldquo;Pussyfoot&rdquo; Johnson</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>I suppose the War did throw up a great number of worthy pomposities
+genuinely eager to serve their country in some conspicuous and applauded
+way, and old <i>Mr. Thompson</i>, the principal figure in <i>Young Hearts</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>), may be taken, on the authority of <span class="sc">J. E.
+Buckrose</span>, as an East Riding variant of the type. He had always some
+patent scheme for winning the War or improving the Peace, and no doubt
+deserved all the ragging he got, though I lost my zest in the matter
+before the author did. <i>Mr. Thompson</i> had two daughters: a minx (almost
+too minx-like for belief) and a never-told-her-love maiden of sterling
+worth. The latter marries the good-young-man-under-a-cloud (the cloud
+was, of course, a misapprehension or, alternatively, had a silver
+lining), though the minx shamelessly tried to &ldquo;bag him,&rdquo; as she did
+every eligible male, the good sister tamely submitting under the
+impression apparently that the other was a perfect darling. I indeed
+seemed to be the only person who really understood what a little beast
+she was&mdash;and possibly the author, who finally allotted to her the
+beautiful unsatisfactory young man with the emotional tenor. Commended
+for easy seaside reading.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">To Recalcitrant House-owners</span>: Let and let live.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter50">
+<a href="images/400.jpg">
+<img width="100%" src="images/400.jpg"
+alt="Horse Doovers." /></a>
+<p>[&ldquo;I hear of a seaside hotel whose proprietors have
+instructed their staff never to correct the pronunciation or use of a
+word by a guest. If it is necessary to use the same term in the
+conversation the guest&#8217;s form of it is the one to be used; it saves a
+lot of irritation, if not actual humiliation.&rdquo;&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i>]</p>
+<p><i>Waiter (with anticipative tact) to holiday customer.</i> &ldquo;<span class="sc">Any horse
+doovers, Sir?</span>&rdquo;</p></div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, May 19, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 25591-h.htm or 25591-h.zip *****
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+May 19, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, May 19, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: May 25, 2008 [EBook #25591]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Nigel Blower, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 158.
+
+
+
+May 19th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A Swedish scientist has invented a new building material called
+sylvenselosit. It is said to cost one-fifth the price of the building
+material in use in this country, which is known to the trade as
+wishyumagetit.
+
+       ***
+
+A folding motor-car is said to have been invented which has a greater
+speed than any other car. The next thing that requires inventing is a
+folding pedestrian to cope with it.
+
+       ***
+
+Berlin manufacturers are experimenting in making clothing from
+nettles. This is a chance that the nettle has long been waiting for.
+
+       ***
+
+A business magazine suggests that a series of afternoon chats with
+business men should be arranged. Our war experience of morning back
+chats at the grocer's is not encouraging.
+
+       ***
+
+The capture of General CARRANZA, says a Vera Cruz message, was a
+mistake on the part of General SANCHEZ. We trust this does not mean
+that they will have to start the thing all over again.
+
+       ***
+
+Those who understand the Mexican trouble say it is doubtful whether
+America can deal with this war until the Presidential election is
+over. One war at a time is the American motto.
+
+       ***
+
+We gather from a contemporary that people who have been ordering
+large stocks of coal in the hope of escaping the new prices will be
+disappointed. Still, they may get in ahead of the next advance.
+
+       ***
+
+The inventor of the silent typewriter is now in London. We seem to
+know the telephone which gave him the idea.
+
+       ***
+
+A man at Bow Street Court complained that the Black Maria which
+conveyed him there was very stuffy. Some prisoners say that this
+vehicle is so unhealthy as to drive custom away from the Court.
+
+       ***
+
+Fruit blight threatens to be serious this year, says a daily paper,
+and drastic action should be taken against the apple weevil. A very
+good plan is to make an imitation apple of iron and then watch the
+weevil snap at it and break off its teeth.
+
+       ***
+
+One North of England workman is said to be in a bit of a hole. It
+seems that he has mislaid his strike-fixture card.
+
+       ***
+
+Immediately after a football match at Londonderry, one of the players
+was shot in the leg by an opponent. The latter claims that he never
+heard the whistle blow.
+
+       ***
+
+Dr. EUGENE FISK, President of the Life Extension Institute, promises
+by scientific means to prolong human life for nineteen hundred years.
+If this is the doctor's idea of a promise we would rather not know
+what he would call a threat.
+
+       ***
+
+Wood for making pianos, says a weekly journal, is often kept for
+forty years. "And even this," writes "Jaded Parent," "is not half long
+enough."
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the man who was seen laughing at Newport last week,
+it is only fair to point out that he was not a ratepayer, but was only
+visiting the place.
+
+       ***
+
+LARRY LEMON, says _The Sunday Express_, is considered to be better
+than CHARLIE CHAPLIN. As he is quite a young man, however, it is
+possible that he may yet grow out of it.
+
+       ***
+
+The Clerk of the oldest City Company writes to _The Times_ to say that
+his Livery has resolved to drink no champagne at its feasts. Meanwhile
+other predictions as to the end of the world should be treated with
+reserve.
+
+       ***
+
+After the statement in court by Mr. Justice DARLING people
+contemplating marriage should book early for divorce if they want to
+avoid the rush.
+
+       ***
+
+"Why Marry?" says the title of a new play. While no valid reason
+appears to exist many declare that it is a small price to pay for the
+satisfaction of being divorced.
+
+       ***
+
+Three-fourths of the public only buy newspapers to read the
+advertisements, says a contemporary. It would be interesting to know
+what the others buy them for.
+
+       ***
+
+"Few people seem to realise," says a cinema gossip, "that Miss S.
+Eaden, the American film actress, is fond of tulips." We are ashamed
+to confess that we had not fully grasped this fact.
+
+       ***
+
+It appears that one newspaper has decided that May 24th shall be the
+opening date for ceasing to notice the cuckoo. Will correspondents
+please note?
+
+       ***
+
+"Things are unsettled in Ireland," says a gossip writer. We think
+people should be more careful what they say. Scandal like this might
+get about.
+
+       ***
+
+A certain golf club has petitioned the local Council for permission
+to play golf "in a modified form." Members who recently heard the
+Club Colonel playing out of the bunker at the seventh declare that no
+substantial modification is possible.
+
+       ***
+
+A new invention for motorists makes a buzzing sound when the petrol
+tank is getting low. This is nothing compared with the motor-taxes
+invented by the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, which make the motorist
+himself whistle.
+
+       ***
+
+In the opinion of a weekly paper no dog can stand the sound of
+bagpipes without setting up a howl. This only goes to prove, what we
+have always contended, that dogs are almost human.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "WHY DOES YOUR SERVANT GO ABOUT THE HOUSE
+WITH HER HAT ON?"
+
+_MISTRESS._ "OH, SHE'S A NEW GIRL. SHE ONLY CAME THIS MORNING, AND
+HASN'T YET MADE UP HER MIND WHETHER SHE'LL STAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIBERAL BREACH.
+
+(_As viewed dispassionately by a looker-on._)
+
+  WHEN dog with dog elects to fight
+    I take no hand in such disputes,
+  Knowing how hard they both would bite
+    Should I attempt to part the brutes.
+
+  So in the case of man and wife
+    My rooted habit it has been,
+  When they engage in privy strife,
+    Never to go and barge between.
+
+  Nor do I join the fighting front
+    When Liberal sections disagree,
+  One on the Coalition stunt
+    And one on that of Freedom (Wee).
+
+  Though tempted, when I see them tear
+    Each other's eyes, to say, "Be good!"
+  As an outsider I forbear,
+    Fearing to be misunderstood.
+
+  Fain would I use my gift of tact
+    And take a mediatorial line,
+  But shrewdly recognise the fact
+    That this is no affair of mine.
+
+  Yet may I venture to deplore
+    A great tradition cheaply prized,
+  And yonder, on the Elysian shore,
+    The ghost of GLADSTONE scandalised.
+
+  But most for him I mourn in vain
+    Whom Fate has dealt so poor a fist
+  (Recalling SHAKSPEARE'S gloomy Dane,
+    That solid-fleshed soliloquist)--
+
+  O cursed spite that he was born
+    (ASQUITH, I mean) to close the breach
+  And save a party all forlorn
+    By mere rotundity of speech.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LIAR'S MASTERPIECE.
+
+My friend Arthur's hobby is the stupendous. He conceives himself to
+be the direct successor of the mediaeval travel-story merchants.
+War-tales, of course, are barred to him, for nothing is too improbable
+to have happened during the War, and all the best lies were used by
+professionals while Arthur was still serving. Once, however, in his
+career he has realised his ambition to be taken for a perfect liar,
+and that time he happened to be speaking the simple truth. I was his
+referee and he did it in this wise.
+
+When ALLENBY was making his last great drive against the Turk, he was
+no doubt happy in the knowledge that Arthur and I were pushing East
+through Bulgaria to take his adversary in the rear. We pushed with
+speed and address, but just when it looked as if we should exchange
+the tactical for the practical we stopped and rusticated at the hamlet
+of Skeetablista, on the Turco-Bulgarian frontier.
+
+Skeetablista was under the control of Marko and Stefan and an assorted
+following of Bulgar cut-throats. Although the mutual hatchet had been
+interred a bare three weeks we found ourselves among friends. Thomas
+Atkins was soon talking Bulgarian with ease and fluency, while his
+"so-called superiors," as the company Bolshevik put it, celebrated the
+occasion by an international dinner in Marko's quarters. The dinner
+consisted chiefly of rum (provided by us) and red pepper (provided by
+Marco and Stefan).
+
+These latter were bright and eager youths from Sofia military academy,
+and while the rum and red pepper passed gaily round they talked the
+shop of their Bulgarian Sandhurst in a queer mixture of English
+and French. They made living figures for us of the KAISER, who had
+inspected them not long before, of FERDIE and of BORIS his son, and
+told moving tales of British gunfire from the wrong end. We countered
+with KITCHENER, LLOYD GEORGE and the British Navy, while outside in
+the night the Thracian wolves howled derisively at both alike.
+
+"I should like plenty to travel away and see the other countries,"
+said Marko, rolling us cigarettes after dinner. "This is a good
+country, but _ennuyant_. 'Ow the wolfs make plenty _brouhaha_
+to-night, _hein_? Stefan, did you command the guard to conduct our
+frien's 'ome?"
+
+Stefan waggled his head from side to side in assent.
+
+"Yes," continued Marko, "to see Italie, Paris, Londres. Particulierly
+Londres."
+
+"I live in London," Arthur remarked.
+
+"You live?" said Marko with interest. "Tell me, 'ow great is Londres?"
+
+"How great?" repeated Arthur, doubtful what kind of greatness was
+indicated, moral or material.
+
+"_Oui_, 'ow great? From one side to the other side?"
+
+"Oh, I see," replied Arthur, and took thought. "About twenty-five
+kilometres, I suppose."
+
+"Twenty-five!" Marko's eyes rounded with astonishment. "_Ecoute,
+Stefan; vingt-cinq kilometres._"
+
+"But--but," demanded Stefan, "'ow many people is there?"
+
+"About six millions," replied Arthur, swelling with pleasure. At last
+he had found his incredulous audience.
+
+"But that is a nation! I do not know if there are so many in all
+Bulgarie," cried Marko. "'Ow do they travel? No droski could go so
+far--it is a day's march. But perhaps you 'ave tramway? In Sofia we
+'ave tramway," he added, not without pride.
+
+"There are trams, but most of the people travel in buses----"
+
+"Bussesse?" interjected Stefan. "_Qu' est-ce que c'est_, bussesse?"
+
+"Lorries--_camions_. Big automobiles containing many people. And there
+are also underground railways, railways under the ground in a tunnel.
+You know tunnels?"
+
+"_Oui, galleria._ But a railway under a town--_mon Dieu!_" said Marko,
+appalled. "'Ow do the people descend to it?"
+
+"In lifts--_ascenseurs_. From the street."
+
+Stefan nodded assent. "I 'ave seen _ascenseurs_ at Sofia," he said.
+
+"In these tunnels," continued Arthur, visibly warming to his work,
+"trains go to all parts of the town every three minutes, and the cost
+is only twenty _statinki_. The streets above are paved with wood."
+
+"With _wood! Kolossal!_" said Marko, forgetting our prejudice
+against Bosch idiom in his wonder at this crowning marvel.
+
+To what lengths of veracity Arthur would have gone I never knew,
+for at that moment a trampling of feet and a hoarse command outside
+announced the arrival of our escort, and Marko, still in a sort of
+walking swoon of amazement, went out to give them their orders.
+
+Stefan regarded us with twinkling eyes.
+
+"Ah, _farceur!_" he remarked, shaking his finger waggishly at Arthur.
+"I know all the time you make the joke, but poor Marko, you 'ave
+deceived 'im _absolument_. Railway under the ground, streets of wood,
+'e swallow it all. Oh, naughty _Baroutchik!_"
+
+The wolves did not come near us and our escort on our way home,
+but they could have had Arthur for the taking. At the moment he had
+nothing left to live for.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Johannesburg tramway men started a lightning strike on
+    Thursday owing to the suspension of a conductor."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+It seems a logical reason.
+
+       ***
+
+    "Do not waste any time in entering for our 'Hidden' Geography
+    Competition."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Thanks for the advice; we won't.
+
+       ***
+
+    "LINACRE LECTURE.--Dr. Henry Head, F.R.L., 'Aspasia and
+    Kindred Disorders of the Speech.'"--_Cambridge Calendar._
+
+Yet this is the lady who is supposed to have inspired the most famous
+of PERICLES' orations.
+
+       ***
+
+    "Furnished Railway Carriage in Surrey garden to Let; 3 beds;
+    company's water, gas-cooker, and light: 2gs. weekly."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Miss DAISY ASHFORD seems to have foreseen this development when she
+wrote of _Mr. Salteena's_ "compartments."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RELUCTANT THRUSTER.
+
+MR. ASQUITH (_performing the function of a battering-ram_). "I CONFESS
+THAT AT MY TIME OF LIFE I SHOULD HAVE PREFERRED A MORE SEDENTARY IF
+LESS HONORIFIC SPHERE OF USEFULNESS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Profiteer (after trying a variety of patterns without
+success)._ "WELL, IT LOOKS PRETTY 'OPELESS WHEN THEY WON'T 'AVE A GOLD
+FLY. WHAT DO THEY EXPECT--DIAMONDS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERSONAL TOUCH.
+
+(_By our tireless Political Penetrator._)
+
+For some time past, I understand, the Government has been considering
+steps to bring the personalities of Cabinet Ministers more prominently
+into the public eye. "We are not sufficiently known," said Sir WILLIAM
+SUTHERLAND, who has the matter in hand, "as living palpitating figures
+to the man in the street. We do not grip the nation's heart. We lack
+pep."
+
+I told him that it was a pity about pep. I felt that the Government
+ought to have pep. and plenty of it. If possible they ought to have
+vineg. and must. too.
+
+"You are right," he said. "Occasional paragraphs in the Press,
+snapshots which take us very likely with one leg stuck out in front
+as if we were doing the goose-step, rare provincial excursions and
+bouquets from admiring mill-girls are all very well in their way, but
+they are nothing to constant personal appearances at stated times
+and in stated places before an admiring mob. The heroes of sport are
+overshadowing us," he continued with a sigh, pushing me over a box of
+cigars.
+
+"What are you going to do about it?" I asked, lighting one and putting
+another carefully behind my ear.
+
+"You must remember first," he replied, "that this is quite a modern
+difficulty. Statesmen of the past used to make their leisurely
+progress through the town surrounded by retainers on horseback, or
+in sedan-chairs, beautifully dressed and scattering largesse as they
+went. THOMAS A BECKET, the great Primate and Chancellor, used to have
+poor men to dine with him and crowds thronging round to bless him.
+To-day, I suppose, JOE BECKETT in his flowered dressing-gown would
+be a more popular figure than Lord BIRKENHEAD and the Archbishop of
+CANTERBURY, if you can imagine them rolled into one. In CHARLES II.'s
+reign, when politicians used to play _pele-mele_ where the great Clubs
+are now, anyone could rub shoulders with my lord of BUCKINGHAM and,
+if he was lucky, get a swipe across the shins with the ducal mallet
+itself. That is the kind of thing we want now.
+
+"I had thoughts of running popular excursions down to Walton Heath,
+but I am not sure that the people would care to go so far even to see
+Sir ERIC GEDDES carrying the home green and Lord RIDDELL--the Riddell
+of the sands, as we call him affectionately down there--getting out of
+a difficult bunker. So I am trying to arrange for a few putting greens
+in railed-off spaces in St. James's Park near the pelicans, and we
+also propose to hold there on fine summer days the breakfast parties
+for which the PRIME MINISTER is so famous. We shall make a point
+of throwing not only crumbs to the birds, but slices of bread and
+marmalade to the more indigent spectators. We shall also try to get
+two or three open squash racket courts in Whitehall, so that on hot
+summer days the most carping critic who watches a rally between Mr.
+AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the SECRETARY OF STATE for WAR will have to
+admit that we are doing our utmost to eliminate waste-products."
+
+"But what about the clothes and the stately progress and the
+largesse?" I asked; the largesse idea had struck me with particular
+force.
+
+"We are thinking of goat carriages and overalls for economy," he said,
+"and the largesse cannot, I am afraid, be allowed for in the Treasury
+Estimates. But we shall certainly scatter a handful or two of O.B.E.'s
+as we go."
+
+"And how will you deal with the country and the outer suburbs?" I
+asked when my admiration had partially subsided.
+
+"Ah, there you have the Cinema," replied Sir WILLIAM enthusiastically.
+"We are going to make great strides with the Cinema. Our first film,
+which is now in preparation, deals with the Leamington episode and has
+been very carefully staged. It has been necessary, of course, in
+the interests of art to elaborate the actual incidents to a certain
+extent. Coalition Liberals, for instance, were obliged to board the
+train in the traditional manner of the screen, leaping on to it whilst
+in motion and climbing, some by way of the brakes and buffers, some
+along the roofs of the carriages, into their reserved compartment.
+Then again we could not reassemble the actual gathering of Wee Frees
+to represent the enemy, but we secured the services of actors well
+trained in Wild West and "crook" parts, capably led by those two
+prominent comedians, _Mr. Mutt_ and _Mr. Jeff_. The film ends, of
+course, with the second meeting at the Central Hall, Westminster,
+when _Messrs. Mutt_ and _Jeff_ again appear as comic and objectionable
+interrupters, and are ignominiously hurled into the street.
+
+"Very soon we hope to have all important Parliamentary debates filmed.
+It will be essential, of course, to provide some comic relief, and we
+are relying confidently on certain Members to practise the wearing
+of mobile moustaches and to take lessons in the stagger, the butter
+slide, the business with the cane and the quick reversal of the hat."
+
+"In short you think politics should be more spectacular?"
+
+"That's it," he said. "HOBBS the mammoth hitter and a little less of
+the _Leviathan_."
+
+Greatly impressed I bit off the end of his second cigar and went back
+to the office to look up _Leviathan_.
+
+V.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "DEAR ME! C-CAN I DO ANYTHING?"
+
+_Airman._ "THANKS, BUT REALLY I THINK I'VE DONE ALL THERE IS TO BE
+DONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OPTIMIST.
+
+    "The pastor of the ---- Congregational Church has been ordered
+    by his medical adviser to take a rest. The rev. gentleman
+    is therefore spending a fortnight's holiday in
+    Ireland."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       ***
+
+    "During the period of waiting before the bridal party
+    appeared, the organist played Wagner's 'Bridal Chorus,' and
+    'Cradle Song' (Guilmant)."--_West Country Paper._
+
+The organist seems to have been rather a forward fellow.
+
+       ***
+
+With the Polo-season imminent we feel that we must not withhold from
+intending players the admirable and disinterested advice given in an
+Indian Trade circular:--
+
+    "The skill of a polo player lies in his well management of
+    horse in the turmoil of Play. Ill-weighed Polo sticks make the
+    situation worse if the horse is not so kept.
+
+    We try our best to construct Polo sticks in such a way as
+    may help the player in the blur of game and put him in a more
+    progressing mood.
+
+    Make a real pleasure of your game and not labour as other
+    sticks than ours would tend to make it. A fond player would
+    like to give anything for a good stick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME-SICKNESS; OR, THE SINN FEINER ABROAD.
+
+(_After "The Lake Isle of Innisfree," with sincere apologies to Mr. W.
+B. YEATS._)
+
+  I will arise and go now to Galway or Tralee
+    And burgle someone's house there and plan a moonlight raid;
+  Ten live rounds will I have there to shoot at the R.I.C.
+          And wear a mask in the bomb-loud glade.
+
+  And I shall have great fun there, for fun comes fairly fast,
+    Bonfires in the purple heather and the barracks burning fine,
+  There midnight is a shindy and the noon is overcast
+          And evening full of the feet of kine.
+
+  I will arise and go now, for always in my sleep
+    There comes the sound of rifles and low moans on the shore;
+  I see the sudden ambush and hear the widows weep,
+          And I like that kind of war.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AURAL TUITION.
+
+The only other occupant of the carriage was a well dressed man of
+middle age, clad in English clothes, but from many slight signs
+palpably a foreigner of some sort.
+
+Soon after the train started I noticed that his mouth and throat were
+twitching and I surmised that he was about to speak. But speech is
+no term in which to describe the queer animal, vegetable and mineral
+sounds which issued from him. First his mouth opened slightly and he
+seemed about to sneeze. Next I was conscious of a scraping noise in
+his throat, accompanied by a slight ticking. It appeared that he was
+going to have a fit and I regretted that we were alone. The noise grew
+louder, took on speed and rose in a crescendo almost to a screech.
+Then a few more scrapes, as of a pencil on a slate, and I began to
+detect that he was speaking. His lips did not move, so that his voice
+had a curiously distant sound. Nevertheless the words were clearly
+audible.
+
+The following is what he said in a low, metallic monotone: "Good
+morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell me what
+o'clock it is? I am much obliged. I wish to descend at Manchester.
+At what hour do we arrive there? There are few passengers to-day. The
+weather is fine. I beg your pardon if I do not make myself clear. I
+do not speak English perfectly as yet. No doubt I have need of much
+practice. Can I send a telegram from the next station? Is there a good
+hotel at Manchester? Will you do me the favour----"
+
+"Stop," I cried, after having several times opened my mouth to answer
+one or other of his questions.
+
+As soon as I spoke the words ended with a sudden click; the voice
+descended and became a scrape; at last silence.
+
+"My dear Sir," said I, "I shall be happy to give you any information
+I can if you will ask one question at a time. You evidently speak
+English very well indeed."
+
+His face lighted with approval of the compliment and then the whole
+performance began over again. Once more the wheeze, the scrape, the
+screech, the tick and all the rest of it. I became terrified at these
+painful impediments in his speech.
+
+I remembered that somebody had once told me what to do on such
+occasions. It was either to throw the patient upon his back and move
+his arms up and down in a travesty of rowing or to slap him violently
+on the back. Seeing that the stranger was several times larger than
+myself I chose with diffidence the latter course. Rising to my feet
+I turned him round and thumped his back vigorously. He received the
+treatment with amiable smiles. Next he produced from his pocket a
+booklet, which he handed to me with a polite bow, desisting entirely
+from his menagerie noises.
+
+I am of a nervous temperament and needed some minutes' rest in which
+to collect myself. Then I began to examine the stranger's gift.
+
+It was a well-printed pamphlet, obviously an advertisement:--
+
+  "HOW TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGES.
+  _The One Truly Scientific Method._
+
+The only way to acquire the real accent of the native is to listen
+repeatedly to the language spoken by a native. With our phonograph No.
+0034 and a selection of suitable records the student may listen for as
+many hours daily as he chooses to the voice of a native speaking his
+own language."
+
+Lower down I saw: "Contents of Records. No. 1, At the Hotel; No. 2, At
+the Railway Station; No. 3, In the Train." Ah! there it was--the whole
+monologue:--
+
+"Good morning, Sir. I am very pleased to meet you. Can you tell
+me----?"
+
+The explanation relieved me; I turned to my fellow-traveller.
+
+"My dear Sir," said I, "I congratulate you on being the perfect pupil.
+Your teacher, could it feel such emotions, would be proud of you. Only
+to an exceptional student can it be given so faithfully to reproduce
+'His Master's Voice.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FIGURE-HEADS.
+
+  "You never see a decent figure-'ead,
+        Not now," Bill said;
+  "A fiddlin' bit o' scrollwork at the bow,
+        That's the most now;
+  But Lord! I've seen some beauties, more 'n a few,
+        An' some rare rum uns too.
+
+  "Folks in all sorts o' queer old-fashioned rigs,
+        Fellers in wigs,
+  Chaps in cocked 'ats an' 'elmets, lords an' dukes.
+        Folks out o' books,
+  Niggers in turbans, mandarins an' Moors,
+        And 'eathen gods by scores;
+
+  "An' women in all kinds o' fancy dresses--
+        Queens an' princesses,
+  Witches on broomsticks too, an' spankin' girls
+        With streamin' curls,
+  An' dragons an' sea serpents--Lord knows what
+        I've seen an' what I've not!
+
+  "An' some's in breakers' yards now, thick with grime
+        And weathered white wi' time;
+  An' some stuck up in gardens 'ere an' there
+        With plants for 'air;
+  An' no one left as knows but chaps like me
+  How fine wi' paint an' gold they used to be
+        In them old days at sea."
+
+C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BAG AND BAGGAGE."
+
+    "According to present arrangements the Turkish Peace Treaty
+    will be presented to the Turkish delegation on May 11 at
+    4 p.m. in the Cloak Room of the French Foreign
+    Office."--_Times._
+
+These ceremonies are usually conducted in the Salon de l'Horloge, but
+the new _venue_ was doubtless thought more appropriate for disposing
+of the Turkish _impedimenta_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THE STRIKE AGAINST THE PRICE OF CLOTHES IS SPREADING.
+
+[_Fashion Note._--Lady Germanda Speedwell was seen walking in the Park
+looking sweet in a rhubarb-leaf hat, the stalk worn at the side. Her
+corsage was of clinging ivy leaves, in contrast to the fuller effect
+of her banana-skin skirt. Her companion wore the usual morning-coat
+and kilt of grass, but struck a new note with a pumpkin hat.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MAKING OF A CRISIS.
+
+[We are privileged to-day to publish an unwritten chapter from Mr. H.
+G. WELLS' _History of the World_. It is entitled "The Slime Age," and
+has a topical interest since it outlines the methods of production of
+the Crisis, the only article of which the supply to-day exceeds the
+demand.]
+
+Out of all this muddle and confusion and slipshod thinking there
+arose one man with a purpose, one man who fixed his eyes on a single
+inevitable goal and walked straight at it, not minding what or whom he
+trod upon on the way. His purpose was the mass-production of crises,
+and he created crises as rabbits create their young, nine at a time.
+In those fuddled incompetent days before the Great War the crisis
+was a little-known phenomenon. Here and there in the drab routine of
+peaceful corpulent years there flashed in the prosperous firmament
+the baleful light of a great anxiety. Agadir was one; CARSON and his
+gun-runners was another. But they were few; they came like rare comets
+and were forgotten.
+
+Then in the Great War a new habit was born in the minds of the people,
+the habit of crises. Even then at first they came decently, in ordered
+succession--Mons, Ypres, the Coalition, Gallipoli. But the people's
+craving was insatiable; the people cried for more crises.
+
+Then this man stood up and said to the people, "I will give you
+crises."
+
+And he did. Instead of a casual crisis here and there, to every year
+a crisis or two, he gave them a crisis every month, every week, every
+day, and still they were not satisfied. And so, at last, out of all
+the muddle and waste and pettifogging stupidity this man created
+crises as men create matches, by the gross. And this was how he
+created them:--
+
+_Extract from "The Slime," April 3rd, a paragraph in the Foreign
+Intelligence:--_
+
+"BOBADIG, _April 1st._
+
+"A party of French mules, passing to their quarters in the vilayet of
+Arimabug, were to-day attacked by an Australian sheep on the staff of
+the British Military Mission. It is feared that many of the mules were
+injured. Feeling runs high among the peasantry, incensed already by
+the failure of the British Government to provide mosquito-nets for the
+sacred goats."
+
+
+_Extract from a leading article in "The Slime," April 6th, on Land
+Tenure in Wales:--_
+
+" ... Parliament to-day will be occupied with the preposterous Budget
+proposals, but we hope our legislators will find time to press the
+PRIME MINISTER for an explanation of the outrageous incident at
+Bobadig reported in our columns last week. There is only too good
+reason to fear that the policy of alternate violence and inertia,
+against which we have so often protested, has at last inflamed the
+law-abiding animals of Bobadig ..."
+
+_From "The Slime" Special Correspondent:--_
+
+BOBADIG, _April 8th._
+
+"Since my last message (much mutilated by the Censor) events have
+moved rapidly. Two of the mules have died of their injuries in
+hospital; three others lie in a dangerous condition at Umwidi, four
+miles away, where they fled for refuge from the wanton onslaught of
+the Australian sheep. This sheep, it now transpires, was the personal
+attendant of General Riddlecombe, Head of the Military Mission, a
+circumstance which is not calculated to allay the local animosity
+which the incident has aroused. The situation will require all the
+tact that the British Government can command."
+
+
+_Extract from the Special Crisis Column of "The Slime," April 11th:--_
+
+"ANGLO-ARMENIAN RELATIONS.
+ GRAVE WARNING.
+
+"In a telegram which we print in another column our Special
+Correspondent in Armenia confirms to-day the serious fears to which we
+gave expression in our issue of April 6th concerning the possibility
+of a crisis in Anglo-Armenian relations. The incident of the Bobadig
+mules is already bearing fruit, and we can no longer doubt that
+popular feeling in the vilayet of Arimabug has been dangerously
+inflamed by the obtuse procrastination of the British Government.
+These unfortunate mules...."
+
+
+"SCRATCHIPOL, _April 10th._
+
+"Communications with Bobadig have broken down, but it is reported that
+a mule was buried there on Sunday in circumstances of great popular
+excitement. A large crowd followed the body to the cemetery and made
+a demonstration after the ceremony outside the house of the local
+veterinary surgeon, who is alleged to have treated the animal for
+mumps instead of sheep-shock, with fatal results."
+
+
+_From "The Slime," April 14th.--_
+
+"GRAVE CRISIS.
+ ARMENIAN ANGER.
+ THE MURDERED MULES.
+
+"As we feared, a serious crisis has arisen in Anglo-Armenian
+relations. At Bobadig a third mule has perished and his interment was
+made the occasion of a great popular demonstration against the policy
+of Great Britain. In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to
+conceal that the situation is extremely grave. The PRIME MINISTER has
+returned to Downing Street from Le Touquet. Shortly after his arrival
+the Armenian Minister drove up in a motor-cab and was closeted with
+the PREMIER for a full ten minutes. After lunch, Lord Wurzel arrived
+in his brougham. At tea-time the Minister of Mutton-Control dashed up
+in a 24 'bus, followed rapidly by the Secretary of State for War on
+his scooter. Mr. Burble wore an anxious look...."
+
+_Extract from a leading article in "The Slime," April 16th:--_
+
+"SPIT IT OUT.
+
+"We trust it is not already too late to appeal to the Government to
+extricate the Empire from the perilous position in which their wilful
+stupidity has placed it. The news from Bobadig is exceedingly serious.
+Another of the affronted mules has perished in circumstances of the
+foulest indignity; it only remains for the other two to die for
+the triumph of British statesmanship to be complete. These wretched
+creatures are being slowly sacrificed for the foolish whim of a
+British Prime Minister. No doubt remains that they have been subjected
+to sheep-shock by the savage bites of the Australian animal. The
+Government, blinded by its own infatuate folly and deaf to the storms
+of popular indignation in this country, continues to treat them
+for mumps.... By this test the Government will be judged at the
+forthcoming election. They must realise that the time for trifling is
+past. If the resources of the British Empire are unable at this date
+to combat the menace of sheep-shock among the loyal mules of Bobadig,
+then indeed.... At least we are entitled to ask for an explanation of
+the presence of an infuriated sheep on the staff of a British General.
+The PRIME MINISTER...."
+
+
+_From "The Slime," April 17th.--_
+
+"AT LAST.
+
+The situation in Bobadig is easing rapidly. The Government has at last
+carried out the instructions of _The Slime_, and we understand that a
+Ministerial expert in sheep-shock has been sent to the assistance of
+the surviving mules. But while we may congratulate ourselves on the
+lifting of the clouds in that direction matters in West Ham give
+ground for the gravest anxiety. The wood-lice of West Ham are
+proverbially of an irritable nature, and the attitude of the
+Government has been calculated for some time to inflame...."
+
+_From "The Slime," April 19th.--_
+
+"BOBADIG CRISIS OVER.
+
+PREMIER YIELDS.
+
+We are glad to report ..."
+
+_From "The Slime," April 20th.--_
+
+"WEST HAM CRISIS BEGINS.
+
+WOOD LICE IN REVOLT.
+
+GRAVE WARNING.
+
+Once again we must warn the Government...."
+
+And so on.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE POLITENESS.
+
+_Party in Check Cap._ "WILL YOU HAVE MY PLACE, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Three swift fierce rounds between Beckett and Wells and the
+    18,000 spectators at Olympia last night witnessed the close of
+    yet another great ring drama."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+    "Beckett ... bowed more by instinct than of set purpose to the
+    shouting, over-wrought people who from the floor of Olympia
+    shot up to the ceiling."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+We had no idea until we read these paragraphs that the spectators took
+such an active part in the proceedings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _House-hunter (after another fruitless day)._ "WHAT
+ABOUT TAKING THIS? WE COULD AT LEAST HANG OUR PICTURES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAIRY BALL.
+
+  "I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night;
+  What shall I wear, for I must look right?"
+  "Search in the fields for a lady's-smock;
+  Where could you find you a prettier frock?"
+
+  "I am asked to the ball to-night, to-night;
+  What shall I do for my jewels bright?"
+  "Trouble you not for a brooch or a ring,
+  A daisy-chain is the properest thing."
+
+  "I am asked to the ball to night, to-night;
+  What shall I do if I shake with fright?"
+  "When you are there you will understand
+  That no one is frightened in Fairyland."
+
+R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WIT AND HUMOUR.
+
+    Ashton and District Undertakers' Association have advanced
+    the prices of hearse and carriages for funerals."--_Yorkshire
+    Paper._
+
+If this is the kind of humour that appeals to our contemporary it
+should alter the heading to "Grave and Gay."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LUXURIES OF THE RICH.
+
+_Club Member (owner of thirty thousand acre estate)._ "I TELL YOU
+WHAT IT IS--I MUST REALLY GET MY HAIR CUT. DASH IT, I'VE GOT THE
+MONEY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMUNISM AT CAMBRIDGE.
+
+    [Bolshevism and Communism claim many adherents among the young
+    intellectuals at our ancient Universities.--_Vide Press._]
+
+I am a Socialist, a Syndicalist, an Anarchist, a Bolshevist--whatever
+you like to call me; if you wish to be precise, an International
+Communist.
+
+Anyhow, as such I am opposed tooth-and-nail to the iniquity of the
+existing Competitive System. It is my intention to devote my life
+to its eradication, in whatever form it may be disguised, and to
+inaugurate an era of loving-kindness, peace, leisure and plenty,
+similar to that now enjoyed by the people of Russia.
+
+But my duties do not lie only in the distant future; they are here, in
+the present, facing me in the University. For never, I think, was the
+unclean thing, Competition, so prevalent and unabashed as at Cambridge
+to-day.
+
+Both in work and in sport is the evil rampant. Take as an example
+the reactionary custom of dividing the Tripos Honours List into three
+classes. Can you imagine anything more inducive to competition? Worse,
+it is a direct invitation to the worker--often, I am proud to say,
+unheeded--to exceed the one-hour-day for which we Communists are
+striving.
+
+Even more deplorable is the competitive spirit in sport; more
+deplorable because more insidious. Even those whom we are wont to
+regard as our comrades and leaders are not always proof against the
+canker in this guise. I remember paying a visit to Fenner's, that
+fair field corrupted by competition, to raise my protest against
+inter-collegiate sports. To my indescribable grief and amazement I
+beheld one whom I had always followed and reverenced--a man of mighty
+voice oft lifted in debate--preparing to _compete_ (mark the word)
+in a Three-Mile Race. "Stay, comrade," I cried. He heeded me not;
+moreover, it certainly appeared to me that he attempted--thank God,
+unsuccessfully--to win the race. Maybe I go too far in ascribing to
+him this desire to come in first, with a resultant triumph over his
+fellows; but was not his very entrance a countenancing of evil? Had
+he considered the feelings of bitter enmity inspired in the many
+who toiled behind him? And the encouragement to College rivalry!--a
+rivalry in no way differing from that between nations, save that
+College distinctions are, of course, less artificial.
+
+It becomes obvious, I think, to every unprejudiced observer that most
+of the games now unfortunately so popular at the University--rowing,
+cricket, football and the like--_must go_. But let it not be assumed
+that the Communist is averse from recreation properly conducted; far
+from it. There is no possible objection to diabolo or top-spinning,
+for instance, and, though competitive marbles must not be played
+(whether on the Senate House steps or elsewhere), solitaire may be
+permitted as in no way provoking the deplorable spirit of rivalry.
+
+Of other games the Communist will discard bridge, billiards and
+"general post"; and even "hunt-the-slipper" and "hide-and-seek" are
+not altogether free from the competitive taint. But an excellent
+game is open to him in "patience," while there is no pastime more
+indicative of the true Communistic spirit than "ring-a-ring o' roses,"
+so long as proper care be taken that at the last "tishu" all the
+players collapse simultaneously.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOMAGE FROM THE BRAVE.
+
+"OLD CONTEMPTIBLE" (_to Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary_).
+"WELL, MATE, I HAD TO STICK IT AGAINST A PRETTY DIRTY FIGHTER, BUT
+THANK GOD I NEVER HAD A JOB QUITE LIKE YOURS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, May 10th._--But for the presence of a handful of Irish Peers
+and of Sir EDWARD CLARKE (looking little older than when he pulverised
+GLADSTONE'S second Home Rule scheme in 1893) you would never have
+thought that this was the first day in Committee of the Bill "for
+the better government of Ireland." The Ulstermen were on duty in full
+force, but the bench on which the Nationalists are wont to sit was,
+like their beloved country, "swarming with absentees."
+
+[Illustration: HARLEQUIN'S OFFENSIVE.
+
+LORD HUGH CECIL.]
+
+Lord HUGH CECIL, like _Harlequin_, smote everyone impartially, one
+of his most telling strokes being the remark that the PRIME MINISTER
+could not distinguish between the art of winning an election and the
+art of governing a country; but otherwise his performance was about on
+a par with that of Mr. JACK JONES, who spoke against the Amendment
+and voted for it. Mr. BONAR LAW'S declaration that the Bill, however
+unacceptable to Ireland at the moment, furnished the only hope of
+ultimate settlement, coupled with the Ulster leader's promise that,
+much as he loathed the idea of a separate Parliament, he would work
+it for all he was worth, carried the day. Mr. ASQUITH'S Amendment was
+knocked out by 259 to 55.
+
+In subsequent Amendments other Members attempted to emphasise the idea
+of ultimate union by calling the statutory bodies "Councils" instead
+of "Parliaments," and by setting up a single Senate to control them
+both. But they did not meet with acceptance. Captain ELLIOTT thought
+the first as absurd as the idea that you could make two dogs agree
+by chaining them together, and Mr. LONG dismissed the second with the
+remark (which shows how rapidly his political education has advanced
+since the Parliament Act) that he was in great doubt as to whether a
+Second Chamber was in itself a protection for minorities.
+
+[Illustration: A PROTESTING CONVERT.
+
+SIR EDWARD CARSON.]
+
+_Tuesday, May 11th._--Lord LONDONDERRY moved the second reading of the
+Air Navigation Bill. An important part of the Bill relates to trespass
+or nuisance by aeroplanes. The rights of the property-owner _usque ad
+coelum_ will obviously have to be considerably modified if commercial
+aviation is to be possible; but Lord MONTAGU entered a _caveat_
+against accepting the provisions of the Bill in this regard without
+close examination. Constant flying over a man's house or property
+might, as he said, constitute a serious nuisance. Imagine an
+"air-drummer," if one may so call him, hovering over a Royal
+garden-party and showering down leaflets on the distinguished guests.
+
+The little _coterie_ that is so nervously anxious lest this country
+should do anything to assist the Poles in their attacks on the
+Bolshevists was particularly active this afternoon. Even the SPEAKER'S
+large tolerance is beginning to give out. One of the gang announced
+his intention of repeating a question already answered. "And I give
+notice," said Mr. LOWTHER, "that if the hon. and gallant Member does
+repeat it I shall not allow it to appear on the Notice-paper."
+
+Another hon. Member wanted to know why, if we were not helping the
+Poles, we kept a British mission at Warsaw. "Among other things,"
+replied Mr. CHURCHILL, "to enable me to answer questions put to me
+here." A third sought information regarding the expenditure of the
+Secret Service money, and was duly snubbed by Mr. CHAMBERLAIN with the
+reply that if he answered the question the Service would cease to be
+secret.
+
+The rejection of the Finance Bill was moved by Mr. BOTTOMLEY. In his
+view the CHANCELLOR was making a great mistake in trying to pay off
+debt, especially if it meant the taxation of such harmless luxuries
+as champagne and cigars. "Let posterity pay," was his motto. Still, if
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was determined to persist in his foolish course, let
+him give him (Mr. BOTTOMLEY) a free hand and he would guarantee to
+raise a thousand millions in a month. The best comment on this
+oration was furnished by Mr. BARNES, who strongly advocated a tax upon
+advertisements.
+
+_Wednesday, May 12th._--The prevalent notion that the only road
+a Scotsman cares about is that which leads to England cannot be
+maintained in face of Lord BALFOUR'S vigorous indictment of the
+Ministry of Transport for its neglect of the highways in his native
+Clackmannan. The Duke of SUTHERLAND was equally eloquent about the
+deplorable state of the Highlands, where the people were not even
+allowed telephones to make up for their lack of transport facilities.
+"Evil communications corrupt good manners," and there was real
+danger that the Highlanders would vote "Wee Free" at the next General
+Election. Appalled by this prospect, no doubt, Lord LYTTON hastened to
+return a soft answer, from which we learned that three-quarters of
+a million had already been allocated to Scottish roads, and gathered
+that the dearest ambition of Sir ERIC GEDDES was to share the fame of
+the hero immortalised in the famous lines:--
+
+  "Had you seen but these roads before they were made
+  You would hold up your hands and bless General WADE."
+
+Only Mr. KIPLING could do full justice to the story of the abduction,
+pursuit and recapture--all within thirty-six hours--of an English
+lady at Peshawar. Even as officially narrated by Mr. MONTAGU it was
+sufficiently exciting. The most curious and reassuring fact was
+that all the actors in the drama, abductors and rescuers alike, were
+Afridis. It is to be hoped that this versatile community includes a
+cinematograph operator, and that a film will, like the lady, shortly
+be "released."
+
+[Illustration: "SUMER IS Y-CUMEN IN."
+
+SIR ROBERT HORNE WELCOMES A USEFUL ALLY.]
+
+The miners' representatives made an unselfish protest against the
+increase in the price of coal. Although it would justify them in
+demanding a further increase in their present inadequate wage they did
+not believe it was necessary or, at any rate, urgent. Sir ROBERT HORNE
+assured them that it was, and that the present moment--the season in
+happier days of "Lowest Summer Prices"--had been selected as the least
+inconvenient to the public.
+
+_Thursday, May 13th._--Ireland maintains its pre-eminence as the land
+of paradox. Among the hunger-strikers recently released from Mountjoy
+prison were (by an accident) several men who had actually been
+convicted. The House learned to its surprise that these men cannot be
+re-arrested, but are out for good (their own, though possibly not the
+community's); whereas the untried (and possibly innocent) suspects may
+be re-arrested at any moment.
+
+The new Profiteering Bill, which, to judge by the criticisms levelled
+against its exceptions and safeguards, will be about as effective as
+its predecessor, was read a third time. So was the Health Insurance
+Bill, but not until a few Independent Liberals, led by Captain
+WEDGWOOD BENN, had been rebuked for their obstructive tactics by Mr.
+MYERS and Mr. NEIL MACLEAN of the Labour Party. As the small hours
+grew larger this split in the Progressive ranks developed into a
+yawning chasm, and the Government got a third Bill passed before the
+weary House adjourned at six o'clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "'OLD YER 'EADS UP! ALL THE FAG ENDS WAS
+PICKED UP LONG AFORE YOU---- 'ERE, WHAT THE----?"
+
+_Old Soldier (who has produced a small note-book)._ "ALL RIGHT,
+SERGEANT, I'M ONLY KEEPING A RECORD OF THE 'FAG END' JOKE. I'VE NOW
+HEARD IT TWO THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN TIMES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It has been arranged that the Speaker shall make the
+    presentation of plate [to Miss BONAR LAW], and Mr. Lloyd
+    George and Mr. Asquith will take part."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+It is hoped that they will leave a substantial portion for the bride.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SMALL FARM.
+
+To all of you who have begun to gaze pensively at railway posters, to
+furrow your brows over maps and guide-books, or hover sheepishly about
+the inquiry offices of Holiday Touring Agencies, I would whisper: "Go
+to a small farm and bask."
+
+You will note that I say a _small_ farm. A large farm has much that is
+pleasant and pungent about it, but to my mind you cannot bask properly
+on a large farm. You are too much in the way. The medley of barns,
+byres, styes, rods, poles and perches is a hive of restless energy.
+Unless you are walking about with a bucket or prodding something with
+a stick you feel you have no right to be there. On a large farm you
+are expected to accompany your host across a couple of ten-acre fields
+to look at his young wheat. Some people can tell what is the matter
+with a field of young wheat by merely leaning on a gate and glancing
+at it. Unless I can feel its pulse or take its temperature I cannot
+tell whether young wheat is suffering from whooping-cough or
+nasal catarrh. All I can do is to nod my head sagely and say that,
+considering the sort of Government we have got, it looks pretty
+flourishing. Then my host remarks that he has got a young bull in
+Bodger's Paddock (about three miles across country) that it will do
+my heart good to see. That is the worst of a large farm; anything you
+want is sure to be several fields away from you.
+
+Now at the small farm which I recommend, but the address of which I am
+not going to give away, you may lie and bask by the duck pond and be
+quite in the picture. Further, if a sudden irresistible desire for
+something--a hoe or a cow, for example--should come over you, you have
+only to put out your hand and grab it. There is a compactness about
+the place. They do not put the cattle in odd fields five miles apart,
+but leave them to lounge round the duck pond or sit in the front
+garden, where they can be collected without effort. There are
+no energetic squads of farm-labourers; no bustling battalions of
+land-girls with motor-plough attachments. The outdoor staff is
+generally to be found sitting on a bucket by the duck pond rubbing at
+a bit of harness and looking decently rural. When he has rubbed the
+harness he stands up and looks at the young wheat. Then he turns
+round and glances at the mangel-wurzel field. If the appearance of it
+displeases him he reaches out for a rake and puts it right. Then he
+sits on the bucket again and has lunch.
+
+When you go to bed at this farm you knock your head against the lintel
+of the sitting-room with a force corresponding to your height and
+vitality. Then you hit your head a second time when ascending the
+stairs and again on entering the bedroom. If you are a heavy breather
+you sweep the ceiling clear of flies and cobwebs while you sleep.
+At dawn, or possibly an hour or so before (for he is a nervously
+conscientious bird), the farm cock steps off the roof of the cow-shed
+on to your window-sill and bursts into enthusiastic admiration
+of himself and things in general. Some people of an egoistic and
+unimaginative temperament get up at once, in order that they may spend
+the rest of the day telling you how much they enjoyed the sunrise and
+what a fool you were to miss it. The true basker, on the other hand,
+declines to be a party to a procedure which destroys the whole poetry
+of dawn and reduces the proud chanticleer to the sordid status of an
+alarum-clock. He simply pushes the bird off the window-sill with his
+foot, turns over and goes to sleep. And later on, when the sound of
+other people knocking their heads against various portions of the
+building arouses him, he goes to sleep again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shopman._ "ARE YOU SURE ONE WILL BE SUFFICIENT?"
+
+_Member of the New Plutocracy._ "WELL, I'VE ONLY ONE NECK, AIN'T
+I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COUNTRY JOINER Wanted."
+
+    _Advt. in Provincial Paper._
+
+To work on the Channel Tunnel?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIDGING THE LITERARY GULF.
+
+(_Famous Publisher's Great Scheme of Reconciliation._)
+
+Hearing on good authority that Mr. Blinkingham, the well-known
+publisher, was about to launch an enterprise of a magnitude only
+comparable with that of the _Ency. Brit._ or the _D.N.B._, Mr.
+Punch hastened to headquarters for confirmation of the report, was
+graciously admitted to his presence and furnished with the following
+interesting details. Mr. Blinkingham, it may be mentioned, is at
+all points a finely equipped representative of his class, handsome,
+well-groomed and wearing his monocle with distinction. His sanctum is
+furnished with delightfully catholic taste--Louis Quinze furniture, a
+Japanese embossed wall-paper, pictures by BOTTICELLI and Mr. WYNDHAM
+LEWIS and statuettes of PLATO, VOLTAIRE and Mr. WELLS (the Historian,
+not the Bombardier).
+
+After some preliminary observations on the deplorable condition of the
+pulp industry, Mr. Blinkingham unfolded his colossal scheme. "By way
+of preface," remarked the great literary _impresario_, "let me call
+your attention to the momentous statement made by the Editor of _The
+Athenaeum_ in the issue of May 7th: 'We doubt whether there has ever
+been a generation of men of letters so startlingly uneducated as this,
+so little interested in the study of the great writers before
+them.' The Editor of _The Athenaeum_ takes a most gloomy view of
+the situation, which is fraught with an atmosphere of hostility and
+suspicion inimical to a revival of criticism. Yet he sees in such
+a revival the only way of salvation, the only means of healing the
+internecine feud which is now convulsing the young literary world.
+
+"For my own part I am convinced that a better way is to lure back the
+modernists to a study of great writers by presenting them in a more
+palatable form, not by compressing or abridging them--for that has
+been tried before--but by having them re-written in conformity with
+present-day standards by eminent contemporary writers. This notion had
+been germinating in my head for some time past, but I did not see my
+way clear until I read the luminous and epoch-making remark of Mr.
+C. K. SHORTER, that he would sooner have written _Tom Jones_ than any
+book published these two hundred years. In a moment, in a flash, my
+scheme took shape. 'He shall write it, or rather re-write it,' I said
+to myself, and I have already submitted to this eminent man of letters
+my rough _scenario_ of the lines on which FIELDING'S novel should
+be brought home to the Georgian mind. In reply he has made a
+counter-suggestion that the characters should be rearranged on a
+Victorian basis, CHARLOTTE BRONTE replacing _Sophia_, THACKERAY _Mr.
+Allworthy_, while the title-role should be assigned to an enterprising
+publisher. But I am not without hope that he will adopt my plan.
+
+"The revival of interest in the works of RICHARDSON, the other great
+eighteenth-century novelist, is, I think I may safely say, a foregone
+conclusion. Miss DOROTHY RICHARDSON has enthusiastically welcomed
+the proposition that she should reconstruct the romances of her
+illustrious namesake, and confidently expects, on the basis of the
+method employed by her in _The Tunnel_, that she will be able to
+excavate at least a hundred volumes from the materials supplied in
+_Sir Charles Grandison_ and _Clarissa Harlowe_.
+
+"Nor shall we overlook the earlier masters. Professor CHAMBERLIN,
+whose thrilling lectures on QUEEN ELIZABETH and Lord LEICESTER
+have been the talk of the town for the last fortnight, has kindly
+undertaken to organise a new _variorum_ version of the Plays of
+SHAKSPEARE, with the assistance of Mr. LOONEY, the writer of the
+recently-published and final work on the authorship of the plays.
+MILTON will be presented in both verse and prose, Mr. MASEFIELD having
+promised to re-write his epic in six-lined rhymed stanzas, shorn of
+Latinisms; while a famous novelist, who does not wish her name to
+appear at present, has consented to recast it in the form of a romance
+under the title of _The Miseries of Mephistopheles_.
+
+"Returning to the eighteenth century, I am glad to be able to say
+that a brilliant reconstruction of POPE'S _Dunciad_ is promised by
+the SITWELL family, in which the milk-and-water school is held up to
+ridicule, with TENNYSON in the place of dishonour formerly occupied by
+THEOBALD. With a magnanimity that cannot be too highly commended, the
+staff of _The Times_ has undertaken to adapt another forgotten work
+under the title of _Grey's Eulogy_, with special reference to the work
+of the League of Nations.
+
+"I confess to feeling rather doubtful as to the possibility of
+reviving any interest in the works of SCOTT, DICKENS and THACKERAY.
+They are at once too near and too far. Still I hope to persuade Miss
+REBECCA WEST to try her hand at _Vanity Fair_. Then there is GEORGE
+ELIOT, another uncertain quantity, though perhaps something might
+be made of _The Mill on the Floss_ if it were renamed _Tulliver's
+Travels_, and given an up-to-date industrial atmosphere by Mr. ARNOLD
+BENNETT. I have my eye on Mr. LYTTON STRACHEY as the man who could
+make a fine modern version of _Tom Brown's Schooldays_. At the moment
+he is too busy with his _Life of Queen VICTORIA_, but I feel sure he
+will not lightly abandon so splendid an opportunity of unmasking the
+pedantry and pietism of Dr. ARNOLD and throwing the white light of
+truth on 'Rugby Chapel.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BIRD CALLS.
+
+III.
+
+  The robin helps to brighten Winter days
+  And, if you listen carefully, he says,
+  "Oh please, oh please do leave some crumbs for me;"
+  It's greed, but still he says it cheerily.
+
+  The starling rolls his "r's" with unctuous joy
+  And, preening, wonders whom he may annoy,
+  Then imitates a hen, a water-fowl
+  And next the "Be quick" of a white barn-owl.
+
+  The heron has a fierce and yellow eye
+  And eats up all our fishes on the sly;
+  There seems to be but one he deigns to like,
+  For all I hear him say is simply "Pike."
+
+  Tree-creepers, like some busy brown field-mice,
+  Unwearying chase the furtive fat wood-lice,
+  Then round the oak-tree's bole they slyly peep
+  And tell you what you thought you knew--"We creep."
+
+  This is the way the sparrow calls his mate;
+  He says it early and he says it late,
+  He says it softly, but he says it clear:
+  "Come unto me, come unto me, my dear."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRESS AT THE CURZON WEDDING.
+
+    "Princess ---- wore a black hat, a cloak of tailless ermine,
+    and a black and silver toque."
+
+    _Daily Telegraph._
+
+    "Then came Mrs. ---- in a dull golf hat."
+
+    _Daily Graphic._
+
+As a protest, we suppose, against the other lady's extravagance in
+wearing a couple of hats.
+
+       ***
+
+    "John ----, a coloured man, was charged with using obscure
+    language in Maria Street. The magistrates fined him
+    5s."--_Welsh Paper._
+
+Most unfair! Lots of men do the very same thing in Parliament and get
+paid four hundred pounds a year for it.
+
+       ***
+
+Heading from pp. 516, 517 of _Punch's_ official rival, _The Telephone
+Directory_:
+
+    "SUBSCRIBERS SHOULD NOT ENGAGE ****** THE TELEPHONISTS IN
+    CONVERSATION."
+
+We should ourselves have placed the asterisks after the word "THE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS.
+
+[Illustration: STUDY OF A CHILD, SOME GOATS AND A HORSE. THE HORSE IS
+FULL OF FIRE AND LOOKS AS IF HE HAD JUST SPRUNG FROM HIS ROCKERS.]
+
+[Illustration: "DOUBLE OR QUIT." A SPORTING OFFER BY A PROFITEERING
+LANDLORD.]
+
+[Illustration: _Fair Rosamond._ "OH, MY GOODNESS! IS THAT A DAGGER?"
+
+_Queen Elinor._ "QUITE RIGHT, BUT IT'S ONLY TO HEIGHTEN THE DRAMATIC
+EFFECT. I KNEW YOU WOULD PREFER POISON."]
+
+[Illustration: THE EXHAUSTED SITTER AND THE INEXORABLE ARTISTS.]
+
+[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PRIZE-FIGHTERS REMOVING A HEAVY-WEIGHT
+CHAMPION AFTER HIS DEFEAT.]
+
+[Illustration: WINDOW-DRESSING IS NOW ONE OF THE FINE ARTS. A CHARMING
+GROUP OF WAX FIGURES MADE TO THE ORDER OF MESSRS. WHITERIDGE.]
+
+[Illustration: _Excited Bather._ "SOMETHING QUEER ABOUT THESE ROCKS.
+ONE OF THEM IS TICKLING ME ON THE BACK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"WHY MARRY?"
+
+This is a protracted discussion of a venerable topic and takes place
+in a sun-parlour, which I regret to say is the brightest thing about
+it.
+
+_John_ is a dollar-snob--it is _John's_ parlour--and has two sisters,
+_Jean_ and _Helen_. _John_ is easily the heavy-weight champion in
+stage brothers. Sister _Jean_, who is entirely dependent on _John_,
+loves a poor man, but under _John's_ guidance traps a rich one. Sister
+_Helen_ (who has a job) also loves a poor man, but thinks marriage not
+good enough. This was, I imagine, due chiefly to living with _John_
+and _Mrs. John_. She may have got a touch of the sun-parlour. Her
+man is a terrific young scientist, who once with four colleagues
+deliberately let a dangerous Cuban mosquito nibble his arm. The
+colleagues died while _Ernest_ survived, which I regretted. However he
+became demonstrator at the Institute of Bacteriology, with _Helen_ as
+his assistant, and in the excitement of the imminent discovery of
+his new bacillus the two spend the night in the laboratory totally
+unchaperoned. The discovery saved thousands of American babes, but it
+ruined _Helen's_ reputation.
+
+Here the narrative becomes confused, but anyhow _John_, who was a
+trustee of the Institute, spent the three Acts in alternately sacking
+and reinstating _Helen_ and _Ernest_, in thinking of a salary,
+doubling it, adding thousands of dollars to it and taking away the
+salary first thought of, together with the additions (and so _da
+capo_), according as he wished to prevent the marriage because of
+_Ernest's_ poverty, or bring it off because of _Ernest's_ disposition
+to take _Helen_ to Paris (France) and dispense with empty rites, or
+postpone it to gain time, or, on the contrary, have it celebrated
+between the dressing and the dinner gongs in order to announce it
+to important members of the family, who, if I understood the butler
+aright, had already fallen on their food while host and hostess, two
+pairs of lovers, Uncle _Everett_ and Cousin _John_ were bickering in
+the sun-parlour.
+
+Cousin _Theodore_, a guileless and dollarless clergyman, padded about
+on the outskirts of the discussion, making obvious remarks about the
+sanctity of marriage and enunciating the highest principles, which he
+promptly swallowed. But it was Uncle _Everett_, the judge (the only
+human figure in the bunch), who grasped the fact (long after I did,
+but let that pass) that the two principal young egotists simply loved
+being talked over at such gross length. To put an end to the business
+he used a trick whereby, apparently according to the law of the
+unnamed State in which the parlour was situate, the two were legally
+married without intending it. They had the tact to accept this
+solution, and this softened my heart towards them for the first time.
+
+It was amusing to see Mr. AUBREY SMITH wondering how on earth he had
+got into this play, and Mr. A. E. GEORGE prowling about the stage
+intent apparently on showing how many ways there are of uttering
+"Pshaw!" and "Tut-tut!" or noise to that effect. It isn't as easy as
+it ought to be to do justice to players playing impossible parts; to
+Miss HENRIETTA WATSON struggling pluckily and skilfully with her
+_Mrs. John_; or to Mr. COWLEY WRIGHT or Miss ROSA LYND, so perfectly
+appalling did _Ernest_ and _Helen_ seem to me and so anxious was I
+to get them off to Paris respectably or otherwise. They never, by the
+way, gave me the faintest impression that they could ever have done
+work of any value in their laboratory.
+
+I have no idea what the moral of this modern mystery play may be, but
+I did gather that the authoress was seriously perplexed, not perhaps
+in any startlingly new way, about the difficulties of marriage and the
+conventional hypocrisies that hedge round that honourable institution,
+but just forgot that serious argument cannot easily be conveyed
+through the medium of fantastically impossible and uninteresting
+people in an extravagantly farcical situation. The play was kindly
+received.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHY MARRY?"
+
+_Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH (Uncle Everett)._ "DO _YOU_ KNOW THE ANSWER?"
+
+_Miss HENRIETTA WATSON (Lucy)._ "THERE ARE A GOOD MANY QUESTIONS
+ABOUT THIS PLAY THAT I WOULDN'T CARE TO HAVE TO ANSWER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MADNESS OF THE MACNAMARA.
+
+(_From the Gaelic--with apologies to BON GAULTIER._)
+
+  Weefrees swore a feud
+    Against the clan McGeorgy;
+  Marched to Leamington
+    To hold a pious orgy;
+  For they did resolve
+    To extirpate the vipers
+  With thirty stout M.P.s
+    And all the Northsquith "pipers."
+
+  "Lads," said HOGGE and BENN
+    To their faithful scholars,
+  "We shall need to fight
+    To retain the dollars;
+  Here's MHIC-MAC-NAMARA
+    Coming with his henchmen,
+  HEWART, KELLAWAY
+    And several Front-Bench men."
+
+         ***
+
+  "Coot-tay to you, Sirs,"
+    Said MHIC-MAC-NAMARA
+  In a voice that reached
+    From Leamington to Tara;
+  "So you'd drum us out
+    To enjoy your plunder,
+  Adding to a crime
+    Suicidal blunder."
+
+  But the brave Weefrees,
+    Heedless of his bawling,
+  Drowned him with the storm
+    Of their caterwauling;
+  So MHIC-MAC-NAMARA
+    And the valiant KELLAWAY
+  Gave some warlike howls
+    And in haste got well away.
+
+  In this sorry style
+    Died ta Liberal Party,
+  Which in days of old
+    Had been strong and hearty;
+  This, good Mr. Punch,
+    Is ta true edition;
+  Here's your fery coot health
+    And--bless ta Coalition!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "We are glad to be able to state in reference to our Pastor
+    that, though much improved in health, he is still unfit to
+    resume his work amongst us."-- ---- _Congregational Magazine._
+
+       ***
+
+    "This should bring joy to the heart of every resolutionary
+    Socialist."
+
+    _The Workers' Dreadnought._
+
+All the Socialists we have met answer to this description.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN.
+
+_P.-W. S. (otter-hunting for the first time)._ "TIRED? COOKED TO A
+TURN! I WOULDN'T 'AVE COME SO FAR BUT ONE OF YOUR CHAPS TOLD ME YOU
+'AD A STRONG DRAG UP THE RIVER AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ALL GO 'OME IN
+IT. AND NOW 'E SAYS IT'S ONLY A SMELL 'E MEANT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I should certainly call Mr. COMPTON MACKENZIE our first living
+expositor of London in fiction. Indeed the precision with which, from
+his Italian home, he can recapture the aspect and atmosphere of London
+neighbourhoods is itself an astonishing feat. In _The Vanity Girl_
+(CASSELL) he has happily abandoned the rather breathless manner
+induced by the migratious _Sylvia Scarlett_, and returns to the
+West Kensington of _Sinister Street_, blended subsequently with that
+theatrical Bohemia in which _Jenny Pearl_ danced her little tragedy.
+There is something (though by no means all) of the interest of
+_Carnival_ in the new stage story; that the adventures of _Dorothy_
+lack the compelling charm of her predecessor is inevitable from the
+difference in temperament of the two heroines and the fact that
+Mr. MACKENZIE with all his art has been unable to rouse more than
+dispassionate interest in what is really a study of successful
+egotism. From the moment when, in the first chapter, we encounter
+_Dorothy_ (whose real name was _Norah_) washing her hair at a window
+in Lonsdale Road, an eligible _cul-de-sac_ ending in a railway line,
+beyond which a high rampart marked the reverse of the Earl's Court
+Exhibition panorama, to that final page on which we take leave of
+her as a widowed countess, sacrificing her future for the sake of
+an Earl's Court of a different _genre_, her career, sentimental,
+financial and matrimonial, is told with amazing vivacity but a rather
+conspicuous lack of emotional appeal. It is perhaps an unequal
+book; in parts as good as the author's best, in others hurried and
+perfunctory. One of our more superior Reviews was lately debating Mr.
+MACKENZIE'S command of the "memorable phrase." There are a score here
+that I should delight to quote, even if the setting is not always
+entirely worthy of them.
+
+       ***
+
+So long as "BERTA RUCK" will write for us such pretty books as
+_Sweethearts Unmet_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), we need never feel
+ourselves dependent on America for our supply of sugary novels. This
+home-grown variety is just as sweet, and really, I think, may be
+guaranteed not only harmless but positively beneficial. The authoress
+has evidently a tender pity for the young men and women whom our
+social conditions doom either to have no companions among their
+contemporaries or only the wrong ones. Her heroine represents the
+too-much-sheltered girl alone in an elderly circle, her hero the
+lonely young man who has no means of getting to know people of his own
+sort (I can't say class, because the authoress seems rather uncertain
+about that herself). Her story is written in alternate instalments by
+"the boy" and "the girl," a method which encourages intimacy in the
+telling as well as a sort of gushing attention to the reader not so
+pleasant. Miss NORA SCHLEGEL has drawn a pretty picture of _Julia_ and
+_Jack_ to adorn the wrapper, and I can assure everyone who cares to
+know it that they are just as nice as they look; _Jack's_ passion for
+abbreviation ("rhodos" for rhododendrons) being the only ground of
+quarrel I have with them or their creator.
+
+       ***
+
+In _Passion_ (DUCKWORTH) Mr. SHAW DESMOND desperately wants to
+say something terrific about love, money and power. His violence makes
+one feel that one is reading under a shower of brickbats, and it is
+the effort of dodging these which perhaps distracts the mind from his
+message. (Is he a Marinettist, I wonder?) There are not enough words
+in the language for him, so he invents fresh ones at will; while as
+for grammar and syntax he passionately throttled them in Chapter I.;
+nor did they recover. I will own that notwithstanding all this the
+author has a way of making you read on to find out what it is all
+about. You don't find out; but there, life's like that, isn't it? The
+author's ideas of the operations of high finance are ingenuous. The
+_Mandrill_ (do I rightly guess this to be a portrait distorted from
+the life?), who is out to corner copper and "do down" the _Squid_
+(head of the opposing copper group), is, if you are to judge by his
+passionate exuberance at board meetings, about as likely to corner the
+green cheese in the moon. I imagine the author saying, "_Mandrills_
+mayn't be like that, but that's how I see 'em. It's my vision and mood
+that matter. Take it or leave it." Well, on the whole I should advise
+you to take it, first putting on a sort of mental tin hat. You'll at
+least have gathered that Mr. DESMOND is a lively writer.
+
+       ***
+
+Of a war-story reviewed in these pages some months ago I remember
+taking occasion to say that the author had damaged his effect by a too
+obvious wish to injure the reputation of a certain cavalry brigade
+(or words to that effect). Well, a book that I have just been
+reading, _The Squadroon_ (LANE), might in some sense be regarded as
+a counterblast to the former volume, since its writer, Major ARDERN
+BEAMAN, D.S.O., has admittedly intended it as a vindication of the
+work of the cavalry in the Great War. I can say at once that the
+defence could scarcely have found a better advocate. Major BEAMAN
+(who, I think superfluously, figures in his own pages in the fictional
+character of Padre) has written one of the most interesting records
+that I have read of personal experience on the Western Front. Partly
+this is explained by his fortunate possession of a style at once
+sincere, sanely balanced and always engaging. Also his story, apart
+from the matter of it, reveals in the men of whom he writes (and
+incidentally in the writer himself) a combination of just those
+qualities that we like to call essentially British. Cavalrymen of
+course will read it with a special fervour; but I am mistaken if
+its genial temper does not disarm even so difficult a critic as the
+ex-infantry Lieutenant--than which I could hardly say more. In short,
+_The Squadroon_ is a belated war book in which the most weary of such
+matters may well recapture their interest.
+
+       ***
+
+Written in the last great ebb and flow of the War, when the censorship
+still prevented anything like carping criticism of matters near
+the battle-front, _The Glory of the Coming_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON)
+naturally resolves itself into a paean of praise of the French and
+British armies in general and the American troops in particular, both
+white and black. Mr. IRVIN S. COBB brings good credentials to his
+task, for he saw the advance of the German army through Belgium in
+1914, and in this book he describes the combined resistance to their
+last great effort before defeat. The accident, if we may so call it,
+to the Fifth Army has had nowhere a more eloquent apologist. "They
+were like ants; they were like flies," he says of the Germans; "they
+left their dead lying so thickly behind that finally the ground seemed
+as though it were covered with a grey carpet." There are interesting
+strictures in the later chapters on some of the quaint semi-official
+delegations and personages who persuaded the United States Government
+to let them come over and visit the War; and there are a number of
+quite good yarns of the Yankee private, related in the Yankee style.
+But better than all the American stories I think I like that of the
+Bedfordshire soldier who, when asked by the writer to direct him to
+Blerincourt during the chaos of the great retreat, replied, "I am
+rather a stranger in these parts myself." Perhaps by the way I ought
+to make it quite clear that the title refers to the coming of the
+American troops, and that, although the line, "He is trampling out the
+vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored," is also quoted in the
+prefatory stanza, there is nothing in the book about Mr. "PUSSYFOOT"
+JOHNSON.
+
+       ***
+
+I suppose the War did throw up a great number of worthy pomposities
+genuinely eager to serve their country in some conspicuous and
+applauded way, and old _Mr. Thompson_, the principal figure in _Young
+Hearts_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), may be taken, on the authority of J.
+E. BUCKROSE, as an East Riding variant of the type. He had always some
+patent scheme for winning the War or improving the Peace, and no doubt
+deserved all the ragging he got, though I lost my zest in the matter
+before the author did. _Mr. Thompson_ had two daughters: a minx
+(almost too minx-like for belief) and a never-told-her-love maiden of
+sterling worth. The latter marries the good-young-man-under-a-cloud
+(the cloud was, of course, a misapprehension or, alternatively, had a
+silver lining), though the minx shamelessly tried to "bag him," as she
+did every eligible male, the good sister tamely submitting under the
+impression apparently that the other was a perfect darling. I indeed
+seemed to be the only person who really understood what a little beast
+she was--and possibly the author, who finally allotted to her the
+beautiful unsatisfactory young man with the emotional tenor. Commended
+for easy seaside reading.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO RECALCITRANT HOUSE-OWNERS: Let and let live.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ["I hear of a seaside hotel whose proprietors have
+instructed their staff never to correct the pronunciation or use of
+a word by a guest. If it is necessary to use the same term in the
+conversation the guest's form of it is the one to be used; it saves a
+lot of irritation, if not actual humiliation."--_Daily News._]
+
+_Waiter (with anticipative tact) to holiday customer._ "ANY HORSE
+DOOVERS, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, May 19, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 158, MAY 19, 1920 ***
+
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