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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+June 24, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, June 24, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: May 22, 2008 [EBook #25560]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOL 146
+
+  JUNE 24, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+  CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+The Cambridge University Boat Club has decided to spend L8,000 in
+improving the Cam. There is talk of making it into a river.
+
+       * * *
+
+Says a writer in a contemporary, "Don't live in a houseboat during a
+flood." And yet NOAH always declared that he owed his life to having
+done so.
+
+       * * *
+
+The gentlemen who formed M. RIBOT'S Cabinet are objecting to being
+described as "The One-Day Ministry." They were, they assert, in office
+for some hours more than that.
+
+       * * *
+
+The attack on M. RIBOT'S Ministry in the matter of the Three Years'
+Service was led in the Chamber by three quite undistinguished
+Socialists; and the contest was described succinctly by an unsympathetic
+onlooker as "_Trois anes_ v. _Trois ans._"
+
+       * * *
+
+By the way, M. VIVIANI'S Finance Minister is, we see, M. NOULENS. Is he,
+we wonder, any relation of M. Noulens-Voulens?
+
+       * * *
+
+The KAISER has commanded that the Colonial War Memorial to be erected in
+Berlin shall take the form of an elephant. Presumably it is to be of
+Parian marble in order to signify that some of the German colonies are a
+bit like a white elephant.
+
+       * * *
+
+A French squadron of eighteen vessels has lately been visiting Portland.
+It was perhaps a little unfortunate that Admiral CALLAGHAN'S ship should
+have been _The Iron Duke_--but no doubt our tactful officers explained
+to their visitors that the vessel had been so named after a wealthy
+iron-master who had been ennobled.
+
+       * * *
+
+The report that an airship expedition is being prepared against the MAD
+MULLAH is said to have caused keen delight to the old gentleman, as he
+has never seen an aeronautical display of any kind.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is now suggested that when Mr. HOBHOUSE took possession of H.M.S.
+_Monarch_, he was labouring under the delusion that he was
+Postmaster-Admiral as well as Postmaster-General.
+
+       * * *
+
+The publication of _The Best of Lamb_, by Messrs. METHUEN, reminds one
+that a literary butcher once complained that LAMB had not been issued in
+The Canterbury Poets.
+
+       * * *
+
+Although Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR is severing his connection with _T. P.'s
+Weekly_ the name of the paper will not be changed. This sort of thing is
+well calculated to confuse and unsettle the public. "T. P. or not T. P.?
+that'll be the question."
+
+       * * *
+
+Illustration: _Examining Admiral_ (_to naval candidate_). "NOW MENTION
+THREE GREAT ADMIRALS."
+
+_Candidate._ "DRAKE, NELSON AND--I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR, I DIDN'T QUITE
+CATCH YOUR NAME."
+
+       * * *
+
+It is denied that the title of our newest magazine--_Blast_--was
+suggested by Mr. BERNARD SHAW.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Old Spot Pigs," we are informed, are now being bred successfully once
+more. It surprises us to hear this announced as a triumph. One would
+have thought that in these days of beauty culture a clear complexion
+would have been the desideratum.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If," says a contemporary, "the middle-class girl were regularly
+provided with a dowry, the matrimonial enthusiasm of young men would
+probably be stimulated." We cannot imagine how people think of these
+clever things.
+
+       * * *
+
+Members of the Women's Social and Political Union are, says _The Daily
+Mail_, boycotting West-End shopkeepers and stores not advertising in the
+Militant organs. However, if the rest of the public will agree to
+boycott such firms as do advertise in these organs the matter should
+come all right.
+
+       * * *
+
+A warning has been issued to pic-nic parties as to the danger from
+adders, which are exceptionally numerous this year. They are apt to bite
+if suddenly sat upon, and prudent persons are taking the precaution of
+sitting on their plates.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I shall never," writes a journalist in _The Express_, "forget the
+shudder with which I saw a very well-known dramatist at a garden party
+eating strawberries with his gloves on." We ourselves sometimes have
+these sudden sensations, but, unlike the writer, are very prone to let
+them slip out of our memory.
+
+       * * *
+
+A dress-designer, we read, went mad one day last week in Paris and fired
+a number of revolver shots at the police. To judge by many of the
+creations one sees there must be quite an epidemic of mental deficiency
+just now among designers of modes.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Bags," we read in a lady's paper, "are going out of fashion." Men will,
+however, continue to wear them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of awards at the Horse Show:--
+
+     "Riding Jonies ... Shetland Jones ... Pairs of Pones ..."--_Morning
+     Post._
+
+You see the animal they mean.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Cutter wanted for ladies' and gentlemen's trade; city house; state
+     experience, salary."
+
+An ordinary enough advertisement, but _The Irish Times_ imparts a
+certain melancholy humour to it by inserting it in the section headed
+"Yachts, Boats, etc."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "GRAND NIGHTS."
+
+
+    O benchers of the various ancient Inns
+      At whose so generous tables I have battened,
+    Where potions of the best and fruitiest bins
+      And fare on which LUCULLUS might have fattened
+          Tend to reduce the awe
+      Proper to laymen shadowed by the Law;
+
+    How good I find it, full of meat, to sit
+      (The while Oporto's juice of '87,
+    Served on the polished board with silver lit,
+      Heartens me to postpone the joys of Heaven)
+          And hear, _remotis curis_,
+      The legal jest, the apt _scintilla juris_.
+
+    But most I compliment, with thanks profuse,
+      The touch that gives your feasts their crowning savour,
+    Whose absence must have marred the duckling _mousse_,
+      Ruined the _neige au Kirsch_, and soured the flavour
+          Of Madame MELBA'S peaches--
+      I mean the pledge upon my card, "No Speeches."
+
+    There's only one I like, and that's "The KING"!
+      (I give the text in full--no superfluities);
+    Why should I have to hear some dodderer sing
+      Praise of the Government (whichever crew it is),
+          While some one else endorses
+      The obvious merits of our fighting forces?
+
+    If I have dined too well, to-morrow's cure
+      Shall be the fine for my excessive feasting;
+    But, at the night's tail-end, I can't endure
+      A punishment that bores me like a bee-sting,
+          Poisoning all the mirth
+      That should companion my distended girth.
+
+    For this relief from those who spoil the vine
+      (How oft have I refused, O learned Benchers,
+    For fear of speeches, other men's and mine,
+      The chance of feeding off the choicest trenchers)--
+          For this relief I rank you
+      High up among my benefactors. Thank you.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  HOW THE CHAMPIONSHIP WAS WON.
+
+  (A _Story of 1918._)
+
+
+The last match of the season was between Kent and Somerset. Kent and
+Surrey were at the top of the Championship table, with the following
+percentages:--
+
+  Kent             87.51
+  Surrey           87.23
+
+Surrey had completed its programme. Thus all depended on the result of
+this Kent-Somerset match. To become champions Kent had either to win
+outright or to keep their percentage intact by the circumstance of both
+sides not completing an innings.
+
+Play was impossible on the first day owing to rain. On the second day
+Somerset scored 157. Rain fell again and Kent were unable to commence
+their innings till the afternoon of the third day. Obviously they had to
+strain every nerve to accomplish two things: (1) to avoid getting out
+and (2) to avoid scoring more than 157. At all hazards they must neither
+win nor lose on the first innings. They could not win the match. There
+was no time. And either a win or a loss on the first innings would lower
+their percentage sufficiently to enable Surrey to go to the top. For in
+the matter of averages it is better under certain conditions not to have
+fought at all than to secure only a portion of the honours.
+
+It was an extraordinary afternoon's cricket. The Kent batsmen were very
+careful, but two minutes before time there were 156 runs on the board
+and the last two batsmen were at the wicket. If a wicket fell or a
+couple of runs were scored Kent would lose the Championship. Strong men
+shivered like leaves as ball after ball was steadily blocked by the
+batsmen. Red-faced farmers wore their pencils to stumps in explaining
+the appalling alternatives. Somerset, in the most sporting spirit, were
+trying their hardest. A couple of deliberately-bowled wides would, of
+course, have given Surrey the championship, but Somerset were playing
+for the honour and glory of defeating Kent on the first innings.
+
+The last two Kent men displayed wonderful nerve. The straight ones were
+carefully stopped and every ball off the wicket was left alone. Needless
+to say the softest long hop to leg would not have tempted them to hit.
+
+When the bowler prepared to deliver the last ball of the day the very
+trees round the ground seemed to stop whispering. It was a good length
+ball, very fast and pitched slightly to the off. The batsman raised his
+bat, expecting it to fly past the wicket. To his horror it nipped in.
+Down came the bat in frantic haste. Heaven be praised! Just in time! The
+bat just snicked the ball off. It missed the wicket by an eighth of an
+inch and shot away to leg.
+
+Then occurred one of those incidents that men boast of having witnessed,
+one of those strange happenings in sport that are recounted to
+generation after generation.
+
+The ball had shot away to leg where there was no fieldsman. One of the
+slips immediately made after it. The batsmen naturally did not run as
+they did not wish to score. But suddenly it occurred to the striker that
+it might reach the boundary, that the slip field might not be fast
+enough to catch it up, and that, therefore, Kent would win on the first
+innings and in so doing lose the championship. The idea flashed across
+his mind almost immediately after he had hit the ball, and with a
+promptness of action that was really beyond all admiration he dropped
+his bat and ran like a madman in pursuit of the ball.
+
+He easily outstripped the Somerset slip, who was rather a stout man, and
+fled like a hare after the little red devil that was scorching fast in
+search of the fatal four.
+
+Men groaned in the agony of their excitement and women shrieked
+hysterically.
+
+On flew the gallant Kent batsman. Nearer and nearer he got to the ball.
+He overtook it. He stopped it. Three inches from the boundary he fell on
+it and hugged it to his chest. The match was a draw, a glorious draw!
+Neither side had won or lost a point. It did not count in the
+Championship table. Kent were Champions!
+
+In the mad excitement of the moment no one thought of appealing on the
+question of handling the ball or interfering with the field. Moreover
+both the umpires had swooned and were being removed on shutters. The
+result stood. The hero of the game was carried into the pavilion by two
+music-hall agents and a reporter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Editorial Amenities.
+
+     "I have no fault to find with 'Towser,' except that it is very much
+     like scores of other dog stories; that is probably why you have
+     failed to place it. Have you tried the 'Manchester Guardian'?"
+
+    _T.P.'s Weekly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "What comes after Home Rule?--Mormons in Germany."
+
+    _Vancouver Daily Province._
+
+Fortunately we shan't mind that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "CAPTAINS COURAGEOUS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  MUSICAL NOTES.
+
+
+The remarkable and altogether epoch-making article in _The Times_ of the
+16th inst., on the stimulating effect of the bath on unmusical people,
+has already borne notable fruit. Meetings of the Governing Bodies of all
+the principal Musical Colleges and Academies were held on the following
+day, at which it was unanimously determined, as one of the speakers put
+it, to effect a closer synthesis of harmony and ablution. Sir HUBERT
+PARRY, himself celebrated in his youth for his prowess in natation, has
+offered to present the Royal College of Music with a magnificent
+swimming bath; Mr. LANDON RONALD has drafted a scheme for the erection
+of a floating bath in the Thames for the convenience of the Guildhall
+School, and Sir ALEXANDER MACKENZIE has offered the students of the
+R.A.M. an annual prize for the best vocal composition in praise of
+saponaceous abstergents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Outside our musical academies the impetus given to musicians and
+composers has been equally remarkable. Professor Banville de Quantock,
+whose Oriental proclivities are well known, has at once embarked on a
+gigantic choral symphony, to words of his own composition, in which the
+whole process and procedure of the Turkish Bath is treated historically,
+dramatically and realistically in seventeen movements. The title has not
+yet been definitely fixed, but it will probably be known as the
+_Symphonie Bathetique_, to differentiate it from TSCHAIKOVSKY'S
+hackneyed work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRAUSS is reported by Mr. KALISCH to be engaged on a series of
+_Spritzbadlieder_ of extraordinary beauty and complexity, in which a
+wonderful effect is produced by the employment in the orchestral
+accompaniment of a new instrument called the Loofaphone, which produces
+a curious hissing noise like that emitted by a groom when using the
+currycomb. Another instrument to which prominence is assigned in the
+score is called the Saponola and bears a resemblance to the spalacoid
+sub-family of mandrils, which have the mandibular angles in close
+proximity to the sockets of the lower cephalopods. The motto of the work
+is "_Das ewig Seifige_."
+
+We may further note, as one of the most valuable by-products of _The
+Times_ article, the announcement that an international Balneo-Musical
+Congress will be shortly held in the Albert Hall, with a view to
+discussing the best methods of promoting harmonic hygiene. The arena, we
+understand, is to be converted into a vast demonstration-tank, in which
+prominent composers, conductors and singers will appear. Miss CARRIE
+TUBB has kindly promised to preside. Amongst other items in the
+programme we may mention an exhibition of under-water violin-playing by
+Mr. Bamberger, and a game of symphonic water-polo between two teams of
+Rhine maidens, captained by Herr NIKISCH and Sir HENRY WOOD
+respectively.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE TRIUMPH OF THE ENEMY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  IDEAL HOLIDAYS.
+
+SOME FURTHER OPINIONS.
+
+
+_COLONEL ROOSEVELT._--There is no doubt whatever that the best holiday
+ground is Brazil. There one can have excitement day and night. When one
+is not escaping from a man-eating trout one is eluding a vampire bat. If
+the time is slow one can always seek the Rapids. Next to Brazil I should
+suggest the offices of the New River Company.
+
+_MR. HOBHOUSE (P.M.G.)._--I know very little of holidays, having to keep
+my nose to St. Martin's-le-Grind-stone day and night, but I have thought
+that, if I did take a week or so off, I should choose to spend it on the
+Post Office yacht, roughing it.
+
+_SIR EDWARD CARSON._--Such time as I can spare from Ulster and my daily
+journey to and from London I should like to spend in explaining to
+REDMOND the duties of a War-lord.
+
+_MR. FRANK TINNEY (the famous American tragedian)._--Ordinary holidays
+is just so much junk. Me and ERNEST don't hold with them. Our idea of a
+holiday is to go down town and hear jokes. The more jokes we hear the
+bigger stock we have not to tell.
+
+_MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL._--I have often wondered if a busy administrator
+might not get a very restful time by steadily refusing to fly.
+
+_MR. ASQUITH._--This talk about the constant need for holidays seems to
+me to be, if I may say so, one of the great illusions of the day. The
+wise man surely is he who, seated in his chair of office, welcomes every
+new complication and perplexity that the moments bring, and in labour
+finds the true repose.
+
+_MR. MASTERMAN._--I am spending my own holiday just now very agreeably
+in composing conundrums. This is my latest: "Why do I differ from my
+trousers?" The answer is, "Because they don't want reseating."
+
+_LORD WIMBORNE._--There is no place for a holiday like Meadowbrook.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A set of 12 Elizabethan "Apostle" spoons were recently offered for sale
+at Messrs. CHRISTIE'S. Only one actual Apostle (Saint PETER) was
+available, but excellent substitutes were provided in the persons of
+ALEXANDER THE GREAT, CHARLEMAGNE, JULIUS CAESAR, KING ARTHUR, GUY OF
+WARWICK, QUEEN ELIZABETH, JUDAS MACCABEUS and others.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The fielding was particularly smart and the batsmen could not get
+     the ball away, the only hit worth mention for several hours being a
+     4 by Tarrant off Bullough."
+
+    _Newcastle Evening Chronicle._
+
+A few more efforts like this and we shall suspect TARRANT of having read
+the "Brighter Cricket" articles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A wireless message has been received here from the liner, New
+     York, reporting that while in a dense fog she was struck a glancing
+     blow abaft the bow by the steamer Pretoria.
+
+     The New York was stooping at the time, and the shock was only
+     slight."
+
+    _Glasgow Evening News._
+
+Showing the advantage of being caught bending.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Sergeant (to new recruit who is grooming his horse very
+gingerly)._ "NOW THEN, CULLY, JUST YOU BE CAREFUL 'OW YOU DUST THAT
+THERE 'ORSE; 'E'S A DELICATE PIECE, 'E IS, AND 'E SHOWS THE SLIGHTEST
+SCRATCH."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "WHEN OTHER LIPS ..."
+
+
+The most original feature of the Opera-Ballet, _Le Coq d'Or_, given last
+week for the first time in England, was the arrangement by which the
+actors were excused from singing, and the singers from acting. Chorus
+and soloists, dressed uniformly, without distinction of sex, in a
+nondescript maroon attire, were disposed on each side of the stage in a
+couple of grand stands, from which they saw little or nothing of the
+entertainment but enjoyed an uninterrupted view of the conductor. This
+left the actors free to attend to the primary business of miming, which,
+when it came to the distribution of applause, they clearly regarded as
+the most important element in the show.
+
+I look for great things from this new departure. It is rare enough for
+an operatic performer to be capable of both singing and acting, or to be
+alike beautiful to look on and to listen to. Once we have accepted the
+convention by which an actor's lips are allowed to move in one part of
+the stage while the sound comes from a totally different quarter, we may
+go further and arrange for the singers to be put out of sight
+altogether. He (and more particularly, she) might be posted behind some
+sort of screen, diaphanous in respect of the vocalists' view of the
+conductor, but opaque to the audience. When I think of some of the
+rather antique and amorphous _prime donne_ of German, Italian and French
+opera, I know that any scheme which would render them invisible and
+permit their acting parts to be played by young and gracious figures
+would meet with my unqualified approval. It would be necessary, of
+course, to consult them first (a task which I would not care to
+undertake), and this division of labour would no doubt entail additional
+expense, but I am convinced that the pure love of art for art's sake
+which is inherent in the nature of all operatic stars and syndicates
+would ultimately rise superior to considerations whether of pelf or
+_amour propre_.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a catalogue:--
+
+     "WELLS (H. G.) Ann Veronica, a Modern Love Story, cr. 8vo. _cloth_
+     (_rather dull_)."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
+
+
+     [Another Husband Housekeeper, supplementing the information already
+     published in _The Daily Mail_, reveals the system of housekeeping
+     by enforcing which he saves pounds and pounds and pounds a year.]
+
+    When Sunday's heavy meal is done
+    Our joint's career is but begun.
+
+   _Imprimis_, undismayed and bold,
+    It reappears on Monday, cold.
+
+    And lo! the same on Tuesday will
+    Appear again, and colder still.
+
+    The odds and ends we keep in store,
+    Divided neatly into four.
+
+    A portion (No. 1) will do
+    For Wednesday's so-to-speak "ragout";
+
+    A portion (No. 2) will be
+    The gist of Thursday's "fricassee";
+
+    A portion (No. 3) supply
+    The pith of Friday's "cottage pie";
+
+    A portion (No. 4) will play
+    The leading _role_ on Saturday,
+
+    Entitled, may be, "_a la russe_,"
+    Or, better still, "anonymous."
+
+    Thus is economy attained,
+    For thus is appetite constrained.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "DRIVEN."
+
+(_With a slight hook to it_).
+
+
+  I.
+
+SCENE--_The drawing-room of_ John Staffurth, M. P. _Enter_ Staffurth
+_and_ Barbara Cullen.
+
+_Staffurth._ Barbara, the doctors have given their verdict. My wife has
+only two years to live.
+
+_Barbara._ John, but she looks so well! What's the matter with her?
+
+_Staffurth._ Well, it's a little difficult to explain. But without being
+technical I may say that it is--er--not exactly appendicitis and
+yet--er--not exactly mumps. Anyhow, it's always very fatal on the stage.
+
+_Barbara._ Two years! John, I'm not quite clear whether I'm _your_
+relation or Diana's, or, in fact, what I'm doing in the house at all,
+but as an old friend of _somebody's_ may I give you a word of advice?
+
+_Staffurth._ (_looking at his watch_). Certainly, but you must be quick.
+I have to be back at the House in five seconds.
+
+_Barbara._ Then, John, give Diana a good time for those two years. Ask
+her to recite sometimes, tell her about Welsh Disestablishment, at all
+costs keep her amused.
+
+_Staffurth._ (_amazed_). My dear girl, do you realise I'm an Opposition
+Member? The Government may spring a snap division on us at any moment.
+(_Taking out his engagement book._) Still, let me see what I can do. On
+July 15th, 1916---- Oh no, that will be too late. November 25th,
+1915--how's that? We might have an afternoon at Kew then if the Whips
+don't want me. (_Looking at his watch._) Well, I must be off. Don't let
+Diana know she's ill.
+
+[_Exit hastily._
+
+_Enter_ Diana Staffurth.
+
+_Diana._ I listened outside the door! Two years, and he won't even ask
+me to recite to him! He doesn't love me.
+
+_Barbara._ He does, he does! But he's one of those men who never show it
+till the Last Act.
+
+_Diana._ Well, I know somebody who doesn't mind showing it in the First
+Act. (_Goes to telephone._) Is that you, Captain Furness? I've just
+learnt a new little piece.... Yes, don't be long. [_She sits down to
+play the piano till he comes._
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+II.
+
+_Six months later._
+
+Captain Furness's _rooms, 11.30 p.m._
+
+_Enter_ Furness _and_ Diana.
+
+_Furness._ There, dear, now we can have a nice little supper together.
+You do love me, don't you?
+
+_Diana._ I suppose so. I love talking to you on the telephone, anyway. I
+can't think what we should have done in this play without the telephone.
+
+_Furness._ And you will come away with me to-morrow?
+
+_Diana._ Yes. (_To the audience_) Oh, I've only got eighteen months----
+(_To_ Furness) Excuse me, Philip, this is a soliloquy; would you mind
+not listening for a moment? (_He turns away and prepares the supper._)
+Oh, I've only got eighteen months more, and I want to _live_! I want to
+talk on the telephone to people, and keep on changing my clothes, and
+recite--and--and--_Philip_! You _don't_ mean to say those are _marrons
+glaces_ you've got there?
+
+_Furness._ Rather. Don't you like 'em?
+
+_Diana._ How dare you? You _know_ the doctors won't let me touch them.
+
+_Furness._ My dear, you never told me what the doctors said to you. What
+did they say?
+
+_Diana._ Well, anyhow, they said, "No more _marrons glaces_."
+
+_Furness._ Really, Diana, how could I know?
+
+_Diana._ You ought to have guessed. You've insulted me and I'm going
+home. And I shan't run away with you now. (_Picks up her cloak and goes
+to the door._) Er--if I _should_ change my mind in the morning
+I'll--er--telephone.
+
+_Next morning._
+
+_Furness_ (_at the telephone_). Yes--yes--no, Lorenzo--both ways. What?
+Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought it was--is it you, Diana?... You _will_
+come? Good.
+
+_Enter_ John Staffurth.
+
+_Staffurth._ Good morning. (_Looking at his watch._) I want a little
+talk with you if you aren't busy,
+
+_Furness._ Certainly. (_Handing box._) Won't you begin a cigarette?
+
+_Staffurth_ (_taking out case_). Thanks, I'll begin one of my own.
+(_Does so._) Now then. My sister-in-law--or cousin or--anyhow, my friend
+Miss--or Mrs.--Cullen, Barbara Cullen, who--er--is still with us, told
+me some days ago that you were about to elope with my wife. Is that so?
+
+_Furness._ Yes.
+
+_Staffurth._ Yes. I ought to have spoken to you about it before, but I
+have been very busy lately at the House. The Government is bringing in
+its Bill for the Abolition of Telephones on the Stage, and it is
+necessary for the full strength of the Opposition to be there. As I said
+in my speech, any such Bill would, to take a case, ruin Mr. TEMPLE
+THURSTON'S new play at the Haymarket, and recent by-elections have shown
+that the country was---- However, I need not bother you with that. The
+point is that I have at last managed to get away to see you, and I want
+to know what it is you propose to do.
+
+_Furness._ I'm going to send in my papers and take your wife away with
+me.
+
+_Staffurth._ Ah! Then perhaps before you ruin your career I'd better
+tell you what the doctors say about her, She is not----
+
+_Furness_ (_impatiently_). My dear chap, I know. She told me last night.
+But it's all right, I don't much care for them myself.
+
+_Staffurth._----not likely to live for more than eighteen months.
+
+_Furness._ My God!
+
+_Staffurth._ That's what we all said several times when we heard it.
+Well?
+
+_Furness._ Well, I mean, this wants thinking about. I had no---- My
+career--only eighteen months----
+
+_Staffurth_ (_breaking out at last_). You beastly egotist! You think of
+nothing but your rotten career. You cur, you hound, you dog! You----
+
+_Furness_ (_annoyed_). Now I warn you, Staffurth, I may only be about
+half your size, but I shall have to thrash you severely if you talk like
+that.
+
+_Staffurth._ You dog.
+
+_Furness_ (_with dignity_). For the sake of your wife, go before I climb
+up you and strike you. [_Exit_ Staffurth.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+Illustration: A THREATENED STRIKE.
+
+_John Staffurth_ .. Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH.
+_CAPTAIN FURNESS_ .. MR. OWEN NARES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+III.
+
+_The Drawing-room again._
+
+_Barbara_ (_joyfully_). Diana, I've got some exciting news for you.
+Guess!
+
+_Diana._ You're going away?
+
+_Barbara._ No!
+
+_Diana._ Oh, well, after all you've only stayed with us six months.
+Er--you've got a new dress?
+
+_Barbara._ No.
+
+_Diana._ No; that was a silly one. Er--John's got a half-holiday?
+
+_Barbara._ No. Well, I must tell you! Diana, you're not going to die
+after all! The doctors made a mistake!
+
+[_Exit._
+
+_Diana._ Not going to die? But then I don't want to run away with
+Philip. (_Rushes to desk and seizes the telephone._) I must let him
+know. (_With a shriek_) Help! the telephone's broken! Then I have
+nothing to live for. (_She takes out poison from poison drawer._) I
+shall count three before I drink. One--two---- Why doesn't John come?
+One--two---- If he isn't quick he'll be too late. One----
+
+_Enter_ John _quickly._
+
+_John_ (_looking at his watch._) My darling, I have just time to forgive
+you. Let us be happy together again.
+
+_Diana._ But the telephone's broken!
+
+_John_ (_embracing her tenderly_). My darling, I've sent for a man to
+mend it.
+
+_Diana_ (_much moved_). My husband!
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Miss Gluck only arrived in London from New York after a tour in
+     America earlier in the morning, and proceeded to Richmond to
+     rest."--_Times._
+
+Which she must have wanted after her busy morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _First Visitor from the country_ (_to second ditto_).
+"AY, FRED, LONDON'S THE PLACE TO SEE THE SWELLS ENJOYING THEMSELVES THIS
+TIME O' YEAR. NOTHING BUT LIFE AND GAIETY ON ALL SIDES."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  THE BIG TROUT.
+
+
+    Pull up the rypecks! Push her home!
+        It's roses all the way!
+    Let garlands lie on Thames's foam--
+        A trout has died to-day!
+    Room for the victor--ho, there, room!--
+        Who calls the gods to scan
+    No halfling of the lilied gloom,
+        But that leviathan.
+
+    Anew (with jostling words unstayed)
+        We fight it, inch by inch,
+    From that first moment when he made
+        The line scream off the winch;
+    'Twas so we struck, we held him so
+        Lest weed had triumph wrecked;
+    Thus to his leap the point dropped low,
+        And thus a rush was checked.
+
+    O sought-for prize! Full many a day
+        The old black punt has swung
+    Beyond his stance, in twilight's grey,
+        Or when the dawn was young;
+    What hopes were ours, what heart-beats high
+        Have thrilled us, when he rolled
+    Up from the jade-green deep, a-nigh,
+        Dull-gleaming as of gold!
+
+    Glide on, ye stately swans, with grace--
+        Ye ne'er again shall see
+    His headlong dash among the dace
+        Beneath the willow-tree;
+    Ye little bleak, lift up your heads,
+        Ye gudgeon, skip at score,
+    The run between the lily beds
+        Shall know its lord no more!
+
+    Yet, while th' exalted pulses stir,
+        Regret takes hands with Pride,
+    Regret for that most splendid spur--
+        The Wish Ungratified;
+    With hammering heart that bulk I con,
+        That spread of tail and fin,
+    And sigh, like him of Macedon,
+        With no more worlds to win.
+
+    Pull up the rypecks, can't you, Jim!
+        It's roses all the way!
+    But ne'er another fish like him
+        For any other day!
+    Room for the victor--lock, there, room!--
+        Who calls the gods to scan
+    No halfling of the amber gloom,
+        But that leviathan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+     "Avoid Income-Tax and Death Duties by investing in selected
+     Canadian Securities."
+
+    _Advt. in "Times Financial Supplement."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for golfer who has foozled his approach:--
+
+     "I will not stir, nor wince, nor speak a word,
+      Nor look upon the iron angerly."
+
+    _King John_, iv., 1.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A LEGAL DOCUMENT.
+
+
+"There is," I said, "a guilty look about you. You are hanging round. At
+this time of the morning you have usually retreated to your fastnesses.
+Why has not the telephone claimed you? There is something on your mind."
+
+"No," said the lady of the house airily; "I have a vacant mind."
+
+"Where, then," I said, "is your loud laugh? I have not heard you shout
+'Ha-ha,' or anything remotely resembling 'Ha-ha.' Something is weighing
+upon you."
+
+"Not at all."
+
+"Yes at all," I said decisively. "You have something to confess."
+
+"Confess!" she said scornfully. "What nonsense is this about confession?
+We are not early-Victorians."
+
+"Yes, we are. I insist upon it. I shall be busy with my writing. You
+will come and kneel unperceived at my feet with an imploring look upon
+your tear-stained face. I shall give a sudden start----"
+
+"And," she went on enthusiastically, "I shall stretch out my hands to
+you, and you will raise me tenderly from the floor, and I shall then
+explain----"
+
+"That appearances were against you, but that Eugene is really your
+brother by a first marriage----"
+
+"And I shall then call for the smelling salts and swoon like this"--she
+collapsed in an inanimate heap on the sofa--"and you will rise to your
+full height----"
+
+"Yes," I said, "I shall forgive you freely."
+
+"No," she said, "you will blame yourself for not having appreciated my
+angelic nature, for having treated me as a mere toy, for having----"
+
+"Yes," I said," for having married you at all. But I shall forgive you
+all the same, and I shall present you with the locket containing my
+grandmother's miniature. Come on; let us start at once. I forgive you
+from the bottom of my heart."
+
+"All right," she said, "I accept your forgiveness. And now that we've
+cleared the ground, you'll perhaps allow me----"
+
+"Aha," I said, "then there _is_ something after all?"
+
+"There always is _something_," she said, "so perhaps you'll allow me to
+ask you a question?"
+
+"A question?" I said. "Ask me fifty. I don't promise to answer them. I'm
+only human, you know, but----"
+
+"Surely," she said, "this humility is exaggerated."
+
+"Anyhow," I said, "I'll do my best, so fire away."
+
+"What," she said, "does one do with a legal document?"
+
+"Isn't this rather sudden?" I said. "'What does one do with a legal
+document?' My dear, one does a thousand things. One buys land, or sells
+it--which is much better. One gets separated, or, rather, two get
+separated; one gets a legacy, generally quite inadequate; one executes a
+mortgage, but you mustn't ask me who is the mortgagor and who is the
+mortgagee, for, upon my sacred word of honour, I never can remember
+which is which or who does what. One leaves one's money to one's beloved
+wife by a legal document, or one cuts her off with a shilling and one's
+second best bed, like SHAKSPEARE, you know. Really, there's nothing you
+can't do with a legal document."
+
+"How on earth," she said admiringly, "did you get to know all these
+things?"
+
+"Oh, I don't know," I said. "One learns as one goes along. Men have to
+know more or less about the law."
+
+"Tell me," she said; "do you feel paralysed when you see a legal
+document?"
+
+"No, not now. They used to make me tremble, but I'm up to them now. I
+understand their jargon."
+
+"And frankly," she said, "I don't."
+
+"But that doesn't matter," I said. "You've got a man----"
+
+"Lucky me," she said.
+
+"You've got a man to help you. That's what he's there for--to help you
+with legal documents and to have his work interrupted and all his ideas
+scattered. But, bless you, he doesn't mind. He knows his place."
+
+"Well," she said, "it's this way. A very dear friend of mine has taken a
+house at the seaside, and they've sent her a document."
+
+"A letting agreement," I said.
+
+"I suppose so," she said; "and they want her to sign it; and they say
+something about a counterpart which somebody else is to sign."
+
+"That," I said, "is the usual way."
+
+"What I want to know is, ought she to sign her document?"
+
+"Is it the sort of house she wants?"
+
+"The very house," she said. "She's been over it. Lots of rooms; nice
+garden with tennis-lawn; splendid view of the sea; drainage in perfect
+order; weekly rent a mere nothing. There's to be an inventory."
+
+"Of course there is. It's always done. Does the document embody
+everything she requires?"
+
+"Yes," she said, "everything; and they've thrown in two extra days for
+nothing."
+
+"In that case," I said, "her duty is clear. She must sign it."
+
+"Do you advise that?"
+
+"I do," I said, "most strongly."
+
+"Thank you so much," she said, "I'll do it at once," and before I could
+interfere she had sat down at the writing-table, produced a document,
+unfolded it and signed it.
+
+"It is," she explained, "the agreement for letting Sandstone House,
+Sandy Bay. They made it out in my name."
+
+"But this," I said, seizing the paper, "is madness. It is not worth the
+paper on which it is written."
+
+"I did nothing," she said, "without your advice."
+
+"I shall repudiate it," I said, "as having been obtained by fraud."
+
+"Right-o," she said; "we leave for Sandy Bay on July 28th."
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A SECOND-HAND SERENADE.
+
+
+(_The modern youth, we are told, is content to hymn his Lady in the
+amorous diction of other bards._)
+
+    It is not mine, Aminta, to commend you
+      According to your merits. Miles above
+    My puny lyre were this; I therefore send you,
+      For reference, "The Classic Gems of Love."
+
+    Would I approve your tresses? See p. 7,
+      L. 2, for what I frankly think of them;
+    Your lips? p. 8; your dimples, p. 11;
+      Your teeth and ears and ankles? _ibidem._
+
+    Your kisses? _vide_ JONSON, B., "To Celia;"
+      See "Annie Laurie" for the way I greet
+    Your neck and voice and eyes (the song has really a
+      Trustworthy picture also of your feet).
+
+    But nay! It ill behoves the ardent lover
+      To turn your gaze to any single spot,
+    In every line, from cover unto cover,
+      My passion finds an echo. Read the lot.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "SIR BAT-EARS."
+
+
+    Sir Bat-ears was a dog of birth
+      And bred in Aberdeen,
+    But he favoured not his noble kin
+      And so his lot is mean,
+    And Sir Bat-ears sits by the almshouses
+      On the stones with grass between.
+
+    Under the ancient archway
+      His pleasure is to wait
+    Between the two stone pineapples
+      That flank the weathered gate;
+
+    And old, old alms-persons go by,
+      All rusty, bent and black,
+    "Good day, good day, Sir Bat-ears!"
+      They say and stroke his back.
+
+    And old, old alms-persons go by,
+      Shaking and well-nigh dead,
+    "Good night, good night, Sir Bat-ears!"
+      They say and pat his head.
+
+    So courted and considered
+      He sits out hour by hour,
+    Benignant in the sunshine
+      And prudent in the shower.
+
+    (Nay, stoutly can he stand a storm
+      And stiffly breast the rain,
+    That rising when the cloud is gone
+    He leaves a circle of dry stone
+      Whereon to sit again.)
+
+    A dozen little door-steps
+      Under the arch are seen,
+    A dozen aged alms-persons
+      To keep them bright and clean;
+
+    Two wrinkled hands to scour each step
+      With a square of yellow stone--
+    But print-marks of Sir Bat-ears' paws
+      Bespeckle every one.
+
+    And little eats an alms-person,
+      But, though his board be bare,
+    There never lacks a bone of the best
+      To be Sir Bat-ears' share.
+
+    Mendicant muzzle and shrewd nose,
+      He quests from door to door;
+    Their grace they say--his shadow gray
+      Is instant on the floor,
+    Humblest of all the dogs there be,
+      A pensioner of the poor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Harold (who has had the worst of an argument with his
+father)._ "ALL RIGHT, THEN, YOU DON'T GET THOSE SIX STROKES I WAS GOING
+TO GIVE YOU THIS AFTERNOON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.
+
+(_The New Indigence._)
+
+
+ADMIRABLE CRICHTON, double Blue and double First at Oxford, weary of
+gerund-grinding at a fashionable preparatory school for L500 a year,
+charming conversationalist, expert auction-bridge player, is open to
+accept partnership in well-established financial house on the basis of
+four months' holiday a year and genuine week-ends--Friday till Tuesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NONCONFORMIST, with open mind on the subject of gambling, but modest
+means and conscientious objection to hard work, is desirous of meeting
+liberal-minded philanthropist who will advance him L750 to operate
+infallible system at Monte Carlo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIGOROUS YOUNG MAN of titled family, who is sick to death of England, is
+prepared to undertake any duties of a sporting kind for unmarried
+heiress in America or elsewhere.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LADY, whose income is only L4,000 a year, is greatly in need of a
+month's yachting, but cannot afford a yacht of her own and dislikes the
+mixed company to be met with on the ordinary advertised cruises. Will
+some kind friend be so good as to lend her a yacht and endow it?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY MAN, strong, healthy, in early forties, who has never done a
+day's work in his life, but has suddenly fallen on comparative poverty,
+wishes to communicate with some person of means willing to save him from
+the pain and indignity of having to do without luxuries which have
+become second nature to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=L2,000= WANTED, at once, for speculation by Undergraduate. A safe two per
+cent. offered; advertiser cannot afford more. No professional
+money-lenders need apply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHRISTIAN and Teetotaler, who has not yet been to Japan, would be quite
+grateful to any wealthy travel-enthusiast who would make it possible for
+him to see this fascinating country. Excellent references.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "NOW THEN, COUSIN EMMA, LET ME GIVE YOU A BIT OFF THE
+BREAST."
+
+"YES, PLEASE, I SHOULD LIKE TO TASTE THAT, FOR IN MY YOUNG DAYS THEY
+ALWAYS GAVE IT TO THE GROWN-UPS, AND NOW THEY KEEP IT FOR THE CHILDREN,
+SO I'VE ALWAYS MISSED IT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  REVELATION REVISED.
+
+
+[_A portion of "The Photodrama of Creation," a cinematograph enterprise
+hailing from the United States, has recently been exhibited._]
+
+    Oh, would I were a preacher or a prophet
+      Of some wild pagan creed, I know not where--
+    One of whom people said, "This man is off it"
+      (But still I had a following sparse and rare),
+
+    That so, if cynics urged, "How hard to prove is
+      The faith ye cling to fondly and so fast!"
+    By favour of the men who work the "movies,"
+      I might expound the future and the past.
+
+    Hiring a lot of lads with mobile faces,
+      And all the world to tap for filmed scenes,
+    Would I not set backsliders in their places
+      And give my errant congregation beans?
+
+    Uprising in the darkened tabernacle,
+      A canvas sheet across the stage unfurled,
+    "To-night, dear brethren, we propose to tackle,"
+      I should commence, "the Making of the World.
+
+    "Doubts have arisen lately if the cosmos
+      Sprang as I stated; an egregious don
+    Has published pamphlets asking if it _was_ moss,
+      Or something else, that formed the primal _On._
+
+    "Well, to confute at once this creeping scandal,
+      You shall behold the facts before your eyes,
+    (If Mr. Potts will kindly turn that handle--
+      Thank you) _and note, the camera never lies_."
+
+    Yes, I would teach them; and if any scoffers
+      Still weltered in the quagmire of their sin,
+    If when I overhauled the monthly coffers
+      I found the business part a trifle thin,
+
+    Choosing a model for the worst offender
+      I should unroll a still more lively lot
+    Of films depicting him in pomp and splendour,
+      "Swift glories," I should say, "and doomed to rot;"
+
+    And then turn on "The Day of Retribution,"
+      Shades of avengers in the world below
+    Prodding my man with verve and resolution,
+      And broiling him on spits exceeding slow,
+
+    And flaying him, and squeezing him with pincers;
+      And whilst I pointed to his shrivelled shape
+    (These moving picture-men are rare convincers),
+      How I should thunder to the stalls agape!
+
+    "Look at yon sinner perishing _in toto_,
+      Take warning lest the same occurs to you;
+    Each fraction of each wriggle is a photo,
+      And therefore must be absolutely true."
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "At the short fourteenth Vardon was bunkered, and took an
+     hour."--_Exeter Express._
+
+He should have read our book, "How to get out of a Bunker in Forty-five
+Minutes. By One who often Does."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "This move of the Powers, sending a rural gentleman from the Rhine
+     to do the big stick stunt in Albania with a lot of blood-thirsty
+     savages, is about as much use as putting a boy sprout in the room
+     of Sir John French."--_London Mail._
+
+Personally we put an elderly artichoke in Sir JOHN'S room when he comes
+to stay with us. This, of course, in addition to the usual tin of
+biscuits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE DOVE OF PEACE.
+
+LORD CREWE. "I DON'T SAY HE'S A PERFECT BIRD, MY LORDS, BUT HE'S THE
+BEST WE COULD MANAGE, AND A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT MIGHT DO WONDERS FOR
+HIM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 15._--In the mid seventies, when dear
+JOHNNY TOOLE was at height of well-earned fame, he for a while played
+three several parts on the same night. Bold advertisement announced
+"Toole in Three Pieces." Being just the kind of joke that has the widest
+run over the low level of mediocrity, it filled the gallery and upper
+boxes.
+
+To-night it was recalled with fresh application. House privileged to see
+PREMIER in Three Pieces. For some weeks he has appeared at Question time
+in dual character as Prime Minister and Secretary of State for War.
+To-night takes on duties of absent CHANCELLOR OF DUCHY OF LANCASTER. His
+versatility as marvellous as his industry. In response to group of five
+questions addressed to him "as representing the CHANCELLOR OF THE DUCHY
+OF LANCASTER," bristles with minute information respecting number of
+livings in gift of the Duchy in West Riding of Yorkshire, together with
+amount of income of each benefice and nature of the security. Equally
+master of intricate case of the calamity overshadowing the Pontefract
+Cricket Club whose playing pitch has been damaged through subsidence
+caused by underground workings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A GENEROUS RESTRAINT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I believe the Almighty has endowed us all with a certain amount of
+brains; but we don't all use them." (Cheers).--_Mr. TICKLER in the
+debate on the Plural Voting Bill._
+
+Situation raised nice questions as to responsibility of the underground
+leaseholder and the prospect of compensation from coal royalties.
+PREMIER as fully informed on these subjects as later he proved himself
+when by way of Supplementary Question AMERY, with pretty air of one
+really in search of elementary information, inquired "In whose hands is
+the government of Ireland at the present moment?" "In the hands of HIS
+MAJESTY'S Ministers," said ASQUITH.
+
+Illustration: "The one thing borne home to me was what a genius the
+Irish people have for admiring each other."--_Mr. BIRRELL._
+
+All very well for Duchy of Lancaster. Its affairs in strong capable
+hands. But that does little to assuage grief of WORTHINGTON-EVANS. For
+months before the day when MASTERMAN, greatly daring, exchanged safe
+position of Secretary of Treasury for dizzy heights of Duchy of
+Lancaster, WORTHINGTON-EVANS was daily accustomed to pose him with
+questions as to working of Insurance Act. In MASTERMAN'S enforced
+absence from House WEDGWOOD BENN placed in charge of Insurance Act
+Department. Does a difficult business exceedingly well. Has earned
+approval from both sides of House. But WORTHINGTON-EVANS is
+inconsolable. His feelings find expression in couple of lines, learned
+at his mother's knee, descriptive of anguish of blind boy parted from
+his brother by ruthless hand of death:--
+
+    Oh, give my brother back to me;
+      I cannot play alone.
+
+Visibly brightened up on eve of Ipswich election, which seemed to
+promise return of the wanderer. As to-night he sits forlorn in corner
+seat below Gangway to left of SPEAKER, gazing sadly at corner of
+Treasury bench opposite (once amply filled by figure of former Secretary
+of Treasury), STEPHEN GWYNNE, seated next to him, gently nudges BUTCHER,
+and with softened memories of _Peggotty_ contemplating _Mrs. Gummidge_
+in exceptionally low spirits, whispers, "He's thinking of the old 'un."
+
+_Business done._--After brief unsparkling debate Plural Voters Bill read
+a third time. Hostile amendment moved from Front Opposition Bench
+negatived by 320 votes against 242. Bill passed final stage without
+division.
+
+_Tuesday._--Home Rule fills the bill in both Houses. The Lords, back
+from brief holiday, protest against delay in introducing Amending Bill.
+In vigorous speech LANSDOWNE insists on early day being named. CREWE,
+wringing his hands over unreasonable ways of some people, promises
+Tuesday next. Adds that, if upon consideration of proposed amendments
+noble lords should require longer interval before Second Reading of
+parent measure than is provided by original fixture for 30th June, there
+will be no objection to postponement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "I don't know whether the hon. Member regards me as a
+particularly frivolous person."
+
+_Lord ROBERT CECIL._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the Commons ROBERT CECIL, interposing in ordered business of Supply,
+moves adjournment with view of calling attention to "growing danger
+created in Ireland by existence of volunteer forces and failure of
+Government to deal with situation." It is plurality of situation that
+disturbs philosophical mind. As long as there was but one volunteer
+force, its locality confined to Ulster, its purpose to defeat Home Rule
+Bill, its commander-in-chief CARSON, it was well. Nay more, it was
+patriotic. But when Ulster's challenge, uttered by one hundred thousand
+armed men, is answered by the South and West of Ireland with creation of
+an army exceeding that number, whole aspect is altered. Now, as in the
+time when "Measure for Measure" was written--
+
+    That in the captain's but a choleric word
+    Which in the soldier is flat blasphemy,
+
+Opposition, to a man, stand up to support LORD BOB'S demand that matter
+shall be discussed as one of urgent public importance.
+
+In course of animated speech LORD BOB delighted House by equalling, if
+not going one better than, the late Lord CROSS'S historic _jeu
+d'esprit_.
+
+"I hear an hon. member smile," said GRAND CROSS on a memorable occasion.
+
+"I wish," said LORD BOB to-night, sternly regarding hilarious
+Ministerialists, "those laughs could be photographed and shown
+throughout the country."
+
+Suggestion will doubtless not be lost on enterprising purveyors of
+cinematograph shows.
+
+There was another opportunity for the snap-shotter when, LORD BOB
+lamenting the "ingrained frivolity of the Radicals in this grave
+crisis," ARTHUR MARKHAM interposed with Supplementary Question.
+
+"What about Satan rebuking sin?" he asked.
+
+Turning upon Member for Mansfield more in sorrow than in anger, LORD BOB
+remarked: "I don't know whether the hon. Member regards me as a
+particularly frivolous person." General and generous cheering approved
+this implied disclaimer, and LORD BOB returned to consideration of "the
+characteristic vice of the Radical Government--fear of losing their
+places."
+
+Tendency to introduce personal observations cropped up from time to time
+through debate, which occupied greater part of sitting. CARSON having
+genially alluded to main body of Ministerialists as "lunatics," NEIL
+PRIMROSE, turning upon the WISTFUL WINSTON, who hadn't been saying
+anything, denounced him as "a human palimpsest."
+
+Perhaps most touching case was that of BYLES of Bradford. Having long
+remained silent under undeserved contumely, he suddenly rose at
+half-past ten and irrelevantly remarked, "I cannot understand how the
+myth has grown up in this House that I am a blood-thirsty ruffian. Why,
+Mr. SPEAKER, I would not kill a fly."
+
+In view of proved inconvenience, not to say danger, of unrestrained
+plague of flies, this protestation was received with mixed feelings.
+
+_Business done._--On division motion for adjournment of House negatived
+by majority of 65. After this, the House, nothing if not logical,
+forthwith adjourned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: POURING COLD WATER ON THE TROUBLED OIL.
+
+(LORD CHARLES BERESFORD and Mr. DILLON.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Thursday._--The Irish Members, long quiescent, suddenly resumed former
+habit of activity. House owes to AMERY the pleasing variation. He cited
+newspaper report of remarks recently made by Captain BELLINGHAM,
+aide-de-camp to the LORD-LIEUTENANT OF IRELAND. Inspecting and
+addressing body of National Volunteers, he exhorted them to ensure
+triumph of Home Rule.
+
+Was this a proper thing to do? Certainly not. ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL,
+answering AMERY'S question founded on incident, stated that when Lord
+ABERDEEN heard of matter he immediately called for explanation, and
+Captain BELLINGHAM frankly acknowledged error of judgment.
+
+Irish Members recognised that in measure the error of judgment was
+slight compared with AMERY'S in stirring up this dangerously attractive
+pool. As everyone knows, and as House was promptly reminded, Colonel the
+Marquis of LONDONDERRY and Colonel Lord KILMOREY, aides-de-camp to HIS
+MAJESTY, have on more than one occasion, when inspecting Ulster
+Volunteers, urged them to stand indomitable in resistance to
+establishment of Home Rule in their Northern Province. Irish Members
+want to know whether these noble and gallant gentlemen have been called
+upon to make explanation of their conduct similar to that peremptorily
+exacted from Captain BELLINGHAM.
+
+PREMIER not to be drawn into delicate controversy. Pleaded lack of
+notice of questions put to him. Irish Members will be delighted to
+provide it. Shall hear more on the subject next week.
+
+_Business done._--The INFANT SAMUEL, appearing in new calling as
+President of Local Government Board, carries vote for his Department by
+rattling majority of 127.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+
+_To the Editor of "The Oblate Spheroid."_
+
+SIR,--I congratulate you on your new departure. The time is ripe for
+Politics without Partisanship. I look to you for scathing denunciations
+of the arch humbugs who now wear the mantle of the once great Liberal
+Party.
+
+Yours, etc.,
+
+"PATRIOT."
+
+SIR,--I hail with joy your abandonment of Party Shibboleths, and await
+your exposure of ASQUITH, LLOYD GEORGE and all such traitors.
+
+Yours, etc.,
+
+"IMPARTIAL."
+
+SIR,--You will find it hard to live up to your professions, but the
+thinking Public will support you.
+
+We need a judicial paper that will set truth above Party considerations,
+revealing, incidentally, the devilish character of the REDMOND-cum-Cabinet
+compact.
+
+Yours, etc.,
+
+"DULCE ET DECORUM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Pink Chestnut.--When ices are given at a dinner it is usual to
+     have them, but not otherwise."
+
+    _From "Etiquette" in "The Lady_."
+
+It is therefore incorrect, "Pink Chestnut," to produce a private Bombe
+Vanille from your handkerchief bag.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The death of an infant from 'convulsions,' without further
+     explanation, can never be wholly satisfactory."
+
+    _Australian Medical Journal._
+
+It takes a lot to satisfy some people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Short-sighted Old Lady (to gentleman taking his morning
+exercise in the park). "GO AWAY, GO AWAY; YOU SHAN'T PUT A FINGER ON
+_MY_ LUGGAGE!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+  (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+
+All the world recognises Sir MARTIN CONWAY as a paramount peak-compeller
+and explorer of resource, while superior persons, like this learned
+clerk, know him as an effective _dilettante_ in the realms of art. In
+_The Sport of Collecting_ (FISHER UNWIN), with a general candour, but a
+specific, canny (and of course rather tiresome and disappointing)
+reticence as to prices, he gives us, in effect, a treatise on the craft
+of curio-hunting, gaily illustrated by anecdotes of the bagging of
+bronze cats in Egypt, Foppas and Giorgiones in Italian byways, Inca
+jewellery in Peru, and heaven knows what and where beside. The authentic
+method, apparently, is to mark down your quarry as you enter the
+dealer's stockade, to pay no visible attention to it but bargain
+furiously over some pretentious treasure which you don't in the least
+want; later, admitting with regret your inability to afford the price,
+to suggest that as a memento of your pleasant visit you might be
+disposed to carry off that odd trifle in the corner over there; then,
+bursting with hardly controlled excitement to see your priceless
+primitive wrapped in brown paper and thrown into your cab, to drive to
+your quarters, hug yourself ecstatically and boast to your friends and
+fellow-conspirators about it. Shooting the driven tiger from the howdah
+is quite evidently nothing to this royal sport of dealer-spoofing,
+especially when the dealer knows a thing or two, as Sir MARTIN bravely
+confesses he sometimes does. I wonder if this arch-collector, when he
+discovered his best piece, Allington Castle (of which he discourses with
+such pleasant and knowledgable enthusiasm), turned a contemptuous back
+on the battlements and made a casual offer for the moat. A most
+diverting book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The name of MADAME YOI PAWLOWSKA is new to me; but if her previous books
+were anything like so good as _A Child Went Forth_ (DUCKWORTH) I am
+heartily sorry to have missed them. There have been many books written
+about childhood, and the end of them is not yet in sight; but I have
+known none that so successfully attains the simplicity that should
+belong to the subject. You probably identify the title as a quotation
+from WALT WHITMAN, about the child that went forth every day, "and the
+first object that he looked upon, that object he became." The child in
+the present instance was one _Anna_, who went forth in the Hungarian
+village where she was born, and saw and became a number of picturesque
+and amusing things, all of which her narrator has quite obviously
+herself recalled, and sat down in excellent fashion. I don't want you to
+run away with the idea that _Anna_ was a good or even a pleasant child.
+Anything but that. The things she did and said furnished a more than
+sufficient reason for her father to threaten again and again to send her
+to school in England. The book ends with the realisation of this, which
+had always been to _Anna_ as a kind of shadowy horror in the background
+of life. We are not told which particular English school was favoured
+with her patronage, nor how she got on there. I was too interested in
+her career not to be sorry for this omission; and that shall be my
+personal tribute to her attractions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are few persons who can write love stories with a surer and more
+tender touch than KATHARINE TYNAN. So I expect that many gentle souls
+will share my pleasure in the fact that she has just put together a
+volume of studies in this kind under the amiable title of _Lovers'
+Meetings_ (WERNER LAURIE). Personally my only complaint about them is
+that in a short story lovers' meetings mean the journey's end, and I
+wished to spend a longer time in the society of many of the agreeable
+characters of Mrs. HINKSON'S studies. Take for example the first--and my
+own favourite--of the series. There really isn't anything special in
+it--and yet there is everything. What happened was that _Challoner_, a
+confirmed bachelor, went to the Dublin quay to see off a friend on the
+boat to Holyhead. The friend didn't turn up; but a young governess, with
+whom _Challoner_ had only the slightest previous acquaintance, was going
+by the boat--so _Challoner_ went with her, and they were married, and
+lived happy ever after. You may think that this doesn't sound very
+probable, and perhaps it doesn't; but it is so charmingly
+told--_Challoner's_ growing delight in the initial mistake that confuses
+the pair as man and wife is so alluringly developed, and the whole
+little episode of twenty pages has such a way with it as to take your
+credulity a willing captive. This was my individual choice; but there
+are fifteen others of various styles; some mild detective studies, and a
+pathetic little ghost story that recalls to me one of KIPLING'S best.
+Altogether an attractive collection, very far above many such that have
+appeared lately.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILKINSON SHERREN, in his new novel, _The Marriage Tie_ (GRANT
+RICHARDS), is very serious about the hypocrisies of the virtuous and the
+injustice of our moral conventions. Other writers before him have been
+serious about these things, and I do not know that Mr. SHERREN has
+anything very new to say. I must also confess to thinking that a sense
+of humour would have assisted him greatly in his task. Nevertheless his
+readers are certain to sympathise with his beautiful heroine in her
+dismay at her unfortunate illegitimacy, and she is a good girl with a
+great regard for the feelings of all her friends, even though she
+expresses this regard a little stiffly. Mr. SHERREN uses his background
+well, and many of his scenes would be effective if only his characters
+were debarred from dialogue. It would be, I am sure, beyond _Johanna's_
+powers, were she limited to the deaf and dumb alphabet, to convey such a
+speech as this: "I wish you to consent to your father's suggestions,
+dear. By doing so you do not injure me, and you cheer his declining
+days. I am sure your dear mother wishes it." Her methods would become
+something much brusquer and more direct. I doubt if Mr. SHERREN is at
+his best in a novel. An essay on the confused issues of illegitimacy and
+the punishment of the children for the sins of their fathers would show
+him, I am convinced, at his ease; but dialogue and a beautiful heroine
+are an embarrassment to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a volume of tales and sketches entitled _The Mercy of the Lord_
+(HEINEMANN) Mrs. FLORA ANNIE STEEL revives pleasant memories of her
+Indian romances once beloved by me. In these new stories everybody
+dies--if Europeans, with the latest slang upon their lips; if natives,
+with a lusty invocation to Allah. Mrs. STEEL does not believe in letting
+the reader know what she is about, and there is generally something up
+her sleeve. Each story has its own little puzzle, and, if the puzzles
+are not always solved by the end of the tale, one can make all kinds of
+pleasant conjectures as to what really did happen, and Mrs. STEEL'S
+mysterious hints and shrugs and fingers on the lip do beyond question
+assist her atmosphere. I like best of the stories "Salt of the Earth," a
+most moving tale, beautifully told. Always Mrs. STEEL is interesting,
+and I hope these sketches are only little preludes to another of her
+thrilling romances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If Mr. BERTRAM SMITH'S _Caravan Days_ (NISBET) has not made me eager to
+take to the road at once, the reason is that he seems to delight in
+things that I most cordially detest. For instance, he likes cooking and
+he is "very fond of rain." With such tastes he has more facilities for
+enjoying himself than are offered to most of us, and I find myself
+wondering whether life in a caravan, always supposing that he was not
+there to do the cooking and admire the rain, would be quite as much fun
+as he would have us believe. I am confident that when next he goes upon
+his travels the majority of his friends will be anxious to share the
+attractions of his _Sieglinda_, that caravan of caravans, but I doubt if
+they will be ordering _Sieglindas_ for themselves. Meanwhile, so human
+has Mr. BERTRAM SMITH made his _Sieglinda_ that I can well imagine her
+sulking in her retirement because she wants to see Argyll, the only
+county in Scotland she has not yet sampled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you are a musical genius yourself and want to do a young composer a
+good turn, I implore you not to get his opera produced under the
+pretence that it is yours and wait until it has been received
+enthusiastically before you announce whose work it is. For that is what
+_Jess Levellier_ did, and "Miss LOUISE MACK" tells us what a deal of
+trouble was brought about by this impulsive action. There are several
+love stories in _The Music Makers_ (MILLS AND BOON). There is the affair
+of _Jess_ and there is the affair of _Jess's_ father; and in regard to
+the second of these I would say that I am a little tired of adventurous
+women who are first attracted by dollars and then find that they are
+head over ears in love with the man himself. But in case you are not
+adequately intrigued by either of these romances, I can also tell you
+that _Sir William_ (big and burly) and _Trixie Harrison_, though
+married, gave considerable cause for anxiety before with "outstretched
+hands she went tottering towards him." Even the most jaded novel-readers
+will suffer thrills and surprises from _The Music Makers_, and
+occasionally, perhaps, they will wonder whether coincidence's long arm
+has not been stretched to the point of dislocation. However that may be,
+the book is breezy and its author is lavish of her material.
+Parsimonious writers would have made half-a-dozen novels out of the
+stuff of Mrs. CREED'S book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE ART OF WINDOW-DRESSING.
+
+_Shop-Manager (sternly, to assistant)._ "SURELY, MR. JENKINS, YOU OUGHT
+TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO PUT THE KITCHEN COBBLES IN THE CENTRE VASE.
+REMEMBER IN FUTURE THAT IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS
+STRIKE THE KEY-NOTE WITH THE _SELECTED NUTS_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: EPILOGUE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  MORE MUNITIONS OF PEACE.
+
+  (_An Episode in the Camp of the Nationalist Volunteers._)
+
+
+Several further months had elapsed in the history of the scheme for the
+"better government of Ireland." The Home Rule Bill had been read for the
+third time in the Inferior Chamber, but, apart from this conciliatory
+action, no effective attempt had been made to avert the horrors of Civil
+War.
+
+Meanwhile two coups had been planned, of which the one failed and the
+other succeeded. And during the arrangements for the first coup (for it
+got no further than the preparatory stage--and even this was denied) it
+was revealed that British officers were not very greatly inclined to
+shoot down their fellow-countrymen for the sake of the _beaux jeux_ of a
+political party. And for this the politicians of that party, selecting
+the worst name they could think of, described these officers as
+politicians. And the cry of "The Army _v._ the People," started by a
+Labour Member (who wore a large hat), and supported by the FIRST LORD OF
+THE ADMIRALTY (who wore a small one), was raised very high and then
+dropped, as likely to prove inexpedient.
+
+But the other coup (which succeeded) was a very clever feat of
+gun-running on the part of the Ulster Volunteers. And, the law having
+been broken, the Government, as its guardian, determined to take no
+punitive measures--an attitude that was repellent both to Sir WILLIAM
+BYLES and to Mr. NEIL PRIMROSE.
+
+And now there grew up in each political party a body of rebellion. For
+on the Liberal side there were those, notorious at other seasons for
+their advocacy of peace at whatever charges, who gave out that there
+were worse things than Civil War, and one of the worse things was the
+stultification of their own projects, or, as they put it, of the Will of
+the People; though they showed no strong anxiety to discover, by the
+usual tests, what the Will of the People might actually be in the
+matter.
+
+And on the Unionist side there were those who said that they would do
+nothing to provoke Civil War, but that, since it took two sides to
+conduct a Civil or any other kind of War, and the British Army was
+apparently not available, there was no fear of Civil War, and they (the
+Unionist Party) could well afford to stiffen themselves about the lips.
+
+And all this tended to embarrass the labours (if any) of those leaders
+who were still supposed to be holding communion together for the
+furtherance of a compromise.
+
+Now, among the Ulster Volunteers, though perfect sobriety was exhorted
+and maintained, it was excusably felt that it would be a pity if so fine
+a force should have been raised and armed at such expense and sacrifice
+and then have no chance of showing what it could do. And this feeling
+evoked sympathy in the breasts of the Irish of the South and West; and
+they said to them of Ulster, "Rather than see your army wasted we will
+ourselves raise one for you to shoot at." And this they did, in part for
+sheer joy of the chance of a fight, and in part for admiration of the
+sportsmanship of a people that had defied a British Government. And
+though some joined the new Volunteers for love of Home Rule, and with
+the object of offering themselves as substitutes for the British Army,
+yet the promoters were content to allege, vaguely and inoffensively,
+that their object was just the protection of Irish liberty, whatever
+that might be taken to mean. And, being Irish, no exact logic was asked
+of them.
+
+But at first Mr. REDMOND, as a supporter of the law, and scandalised by
+its breach in Ulster, declined to approve this illegal development,
+which for the rest he regarded as negligible. But later, when it had
+grown too large to be ignored, he generously consented to overlook its
+illegality and to place it under official patronage. But his offer was
+received in a spirit of very regrettable independence. On reflection,
+however, this attitude was exchanged for one of sullen submission.
+
+Now a private army is a dangerous thing when you know what it is for;
+but it is a very dangerous thing when you don't. And there were
+cynics--not too frivolous--who held that the best course for the
+Government would be to withdraw from Ireland for the time being and
+leave Ulster and the Rest to come to an agreement of their own, either
+with or without a bloody prelude. And there were other critics--not much
+more frivolous--who replied that, if we walked out of Ireland and left
+Ulster and the Rest to come to terms, they might get to understand one
+another to such good purpose that we should never have the opportunity
+of walking in again.
+
+And the Government's only consolation lay in the thought that the Rest
+of Ireland lacked the munitions of war owing to the vigilant precautions
+taken to prevent the importation of arms into Ulster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A thrill of emotion rippled over the tented plain. Into the camp of the
+Nationalist Volunteers had dashed a motor-car which was taken to be the
+forerunner of a great consignment of smuggled arms, for it contained a
+bulky wooden case with the label "Munitions of Peace" pasted upon its
+facade--a superscription that might well have been designed to mislead
+the wariest of coastguards and patrols. Its sole convoy was an old
+gentleman--evidently selected for the part, for by his air of simple
+benevolence you would have judged him the last man in the world to be
+suspected of nefarious practices.
+
+A cry of bitter disappointment broke out on the discovery that the
+"munitions" consisted of nothing but books. But the uproar died down as
+the old gentleman was seen to assume the attitude of an orator. His
+words were at first received in courteous silence; then with sympathetic
+approval; finally with deafening applause.
+
+"Nationalist Volunteers!" he said: "I come from performing a similar
+mission of camaraderie among the hosts of Ulster. I am no partisan. I am
+like a certain philanthropist of whom I have heard who purveyed sherbet
+to the rival camps of the Sultan of MOROCCO and the Pretender. I trust
+that my fate may not be his, for he was the sole person killed in one of
+the noisiest battles ever fought in the environs of Fez.
+
+"This tome, identical with the rest of my munitions of peace, embodies
+(for I made the contents myself, and so ought to know) the highest
+wisdom mingled with the purest material for mirth. Its contemporaneous
+perusal in both camps should encourage a common ideal of humour and so
+promote mutual respect and affection.
+
+"I would go even further and express the hope that here may be found a
+spirit of genial tolerance which, if assimilated by all parties, will
+infallibly lead to a solution of the Irish Question without the
+inconvenience of bloodshed. Gentlemen, permit me!" And thereupon he
+presented to the admiring gaze of his audience _Mr. Punch's_
+
+ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIXTH VOLUME.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ ILLUSTRATION: CARTOON.
+
+ ILLUSTRATION: INDEX
+
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
+  After Ten Years, 311
+  Amending Bill (The), 411
+  Asquith to the Rescue (An), 271
+  Couleur d'Orange, 51
+  Crescendo, 371
+  Desperate Remedies, 151
+  Devotee of "The Doctrine" (A), 171
+  Diversion (A), 331
+  Dove of Peace (The), 491
+  From Fife to Harp, 291
+  Gift Horse (The), 111
+  Holiday Task (A), 431
+  Latest Velasquith (The), 211
+  Missing Word (The), 131
+  Neptune's Ally, 231
+  New Bellerophon (The), 91
+  New Shylock (The), 391
+  Price of Admiralty (The), 71
+  "Sincerest Flattery" (The), 451
+  "There's Many a Slip...", 251
+  Triumph of the Voluntary System, 471
+  Ulster King-at-Arms (The), 351
+  Wooing (The), 191
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L.
+  After Closing Hours, 243
+  Black Man's Burden (The), 43
+  Captains Courageous, 483
+  Circus of Empire (The), 423
+  Clean Slate (A), 103
+  Coalition Touch (The), 403
+  Concert of South America (The), 383
+  Easter Egg (An), 263
+  Exit Tango, 83
+  Fight for the Banner (The), 283
+  Giants Refreshed, 443
+  Gift for Gift, 183
+  Lightening the Darkness, 223
+  Nine Old Men of the Sea (The), 163
+  One of Us--Now, 123
+  Penny Wisdom, 203
+  Penultimatum (A), 303
+  Refreshing the Fruit, 463
+  Sand Campaign (The), 31
+  Sitting Tight, 343
+  "Sort of War" (A), 323
+  Splendid Paupers (The), 11
+  Swashbucklers (The), 363
+  Throne Perilous (The), 143
+  Trust Clinch (The), 63
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H.
+  Earthly Paradise (The), 3
+  Sea-Change (A), 23
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTICLES.
+
+
+AUMONIER, STACEY
+  Moon (The), 246
+
+BILSBOROUGH, J. H.
+  Mr. Punch's Pantomime Analysis, 122
+
+BIRD, A. W.
+  Given Away, 46
+  Manners for Parents, 162
+
+BIRRELL, S. E.
+  To Minki-Poo, 158
+  Toast (A), 441
+
+BREX, J. TWELLS
+  Key to Cubism (A), 106
+
+CHALMERS, P. R.
+  Adventurers, 478
+  Annabel Lee, 290
+  Below the Wire, 390
+  Big Trout (The), 487
+  Buddha, 100
+  Con, 277
+  Fox (The), 196
+  Huntsman's Story (The), 16
+  In March, 216
+  Johnny Rigg, 354
+  Old China, 258
+  Pandean, 336
+  Song, 221
+  Tattie-Bogle (The), 425
+  To Septimius on Trout, 138
+  Tortoiseshell Cat (The), 178
+  Trophy (The), 106
+  Uncle Steve's Fairy, 68
+  West Highland, 368
+
+CLAUGHTON, HAROLD
+  Lost Leader (A), 180
+
+COCHRANE, ALFRED
+  Rock Gardeness in London (The), 475
+
+COLLINS, G. H.
+  Best Policy (The), 222
+  Pessimism, 77
+  Second-hand Serenade (A), 488
+
+DARK, RICHARD
+  Two Eyes of Gray, 455
+
+DAVIS, OSWALD H.
+  How to Get On Off-hand, 262
+
+DUFFIN, Miss RUTH
+  Advance Finale (An), 453
+
+ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
+  Reversible Rhetoric, 275
+  Silver Jubilee (A), 366
+  Three-Card Trick (The), 426
+  Three Wishes (The), 113
+  Winter Sports, 27
+
+EDEN, Mrs.
+  Idol of the Market Place (An), 218
+  "Sir Bat-Ears", 489
+
+EDWARDES, C.
+  Continental Intelligence, 15
+
+ELIAS, F.
+  Food--Not Merely for Thought, 227
+  Very Much Greater London, 417
+
+EMANUEL, WALTER
+  Charivaria, weekly
+  What Our Readers Think of Us, 13
+
+FARJEON, HERBERT
+  Question of Courtesy (A), 338
+
+FISH, W. W. BLAIR
+  Bargain in Fashions (A), 347
+  Carpet Sales, 255
+  Charm (A), 90
+  Spell (The), 13
+  Sweet of the Year (The), 407
+  Villain in Revolt (A), 296
+
+FISHER, MURRAY
+  Hullo, Bedroom Scene, 436
+
+FOWLER, F. G.
+Bath Unrest (The), 398
+  "On", 340
+  Once One, 237
+
+FOWLER, P. A.
+  Laid, 278
+  Love at the Cinema, 58
+
+FREEMAN, WILLIAM
+  Gwendolen's Hobbies, 309
+
+FRENCH, C. O.
+  Our Literary Advice Department, 168
+
+FRY, C. H.
+  Commercial Side (The), 82
+
+GARVEY, Miss INA
+  At the Gates of the West, 236
+  Blanche's Letters, 94, 346, 446
+  Guess Who It Is, 122
+  Sitter Sat Upon (The), 309
+
+GITTINS, H. N.
+  Love's Labour, 115
+  Married Man's Advantage (The), 34
+  Sporting Chance (A), 357
+  Welcome Flaw (A), 456
+
+GRAVES, C. L.
+  Ballad of the Watchful Eye, 270
+  Drastic Reform of Schools, 409
+  Gnomes for Golfers, 170
+  In the Garden of Allah, 34
+  Liberals Day by Day, 267
+  Qualities that Count (The), 97
+  Tragedy of Middle Age (The), 55
+
+GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V.
+  April for the Epicure, 286
+  Artistes' Aliases, 249
+  Author (The), 338
+  Book-buyer (The), 266
+  Cautious Conclusions, 302
+  Colonel Talks (The), 405
+  Country Life Exhibition, 258
+  "Dash", 206
+  Eavesdropper (The), 349
+  Fares, 177
+  Gleanings from Grub Street, 367
+  Grub Street Gossip, 307
+  How to Improve London, 369
+  Indomitables (The), 68
+  In Extremis, 116
+  Laconics, 48
+  Letters and Life, 129
+  Lidbetter, 85
+  Mr. Balfour: Mixed Double Life, 218
+  Mr. Roosevelt's Discoveries, 362
+  Music and Millinery, 65
+  Musical Notes, 335, 484
+  National Calamity (A), 394
+  New Book of Beauty (A), 6
+  Newspaper War, 422
+  Nose Has It (The), 114
+  Novelist and Millionaire, 345
+  Oblique Method (The), 95
+  One of Our Greatest, 406
+  One Way With Them, 196
+  Our Ready Writers, 109
+  Popular Misconceptions, 226
+  Professor Splurgeon on Personality, 336
+  Record Risks, 17
+  Romance of a Battleship (A), 5
+  Secret Out (The), 28
+  Studies in Discipleship, 185
+  Sufferer (The), 386
+  Tempora Mutantur, 478
+  Too Good to be True, 128
+  Water is Best, 350
+  Water on the Brain, 216
+  When Boss Eats Boss, 127
+  Young Everything (The), 467
+
+HARTY, FRANK
+  Mouse of Mydra (The), 434
+
+HASLAM, RALPH
+  Critic at the R.A. (The), 312
+
+HASTINGS, B. MACDONALD
+  How the Championship was Won, 482
+
+HERBERT, A. P.
+  Call of the Blood (The), 470
+
+HODGKINSON, T.
+  Cry for Guidance (A), 120
+  Danger Signal (The), 157
+  Hospitable Door (The), 98
+  Last Straw (The), 8
+  News from the Front, 327
+  Next of the Dandies (The), 241
+  Noblest Work of Man (The), 365
+  Piercing of the Veil (The), 385
+  Sign of Decay (A), 174
+  Time Exposure(A), 461
+
+HOPKINS, E. T.
+  Moan of the Old Horses (The), 73
+  Young Mother's Swan Song, 21
+
+HOSKEN, J. F.
+  An Apology that Made Things Worse, 148
+  Curling, 48
+  Interviewing Father, 166
+  Miranda's Will, 76
+
+HUGHES, C. E.
+  Great Occasion (A), 438
+
+JENKINS, ERNEST
+  Bludyard, 406
+  Kakekikokuans (The), 47
+  Little Wonder (The), 16
+  New Penny Paper (The), 205
+  Strike of School Teachers (The), 121
+
+JOHNSTON, ALEC
+  Argumentum ad Feminam, 276
+  Coward (The), 37
+  Local Colour, 89
+  "Milestones", 376
+  Old Master (The), 74
+  Slit Trouser (The), 206
+  Stanzas written in Dejection before Matrimony, 230
+  Subscription (The), 10
+
+KENDALL, Captain
+  Floral Dangers, 374
+  Hen (The), 130
+  House of Punch (The), 46
+  Shop, 256
+  Wild Swan (The), 210
+
+KIDD, ARTHUR
+  Earthly Hades (The), 458
+  Myth of Bond Street (A), 298
+
+KIRK, LAURENCE
+  Billiards a la Golf, 69
+  "For Professional Services", 117
+
+KNOX, E. G. V.
+  Amending a Bill, 466
+  Chimes and the Chube (The), 227
+  "Cines" of the Times, 125
+  Civil War, 329
+  Forgiveness, 190
+  Hazard on the Home Green (A), 442
+  Highway Loot, 388
+  Inspiration, 410
+  Ivory, 87
+  Loop! Loop!, 38
+  Manes a la Mode, 110
+  Manly Part (The), 265
+  Moving, 167
+  Nocturne, 287
+  Olympic Talent, 67
+  Perfection, 370
+  "Punch" in his Element, 250
+  Revelation Revised, 490
+  Revenge, 50
+  Smile of the Sea Kings (The), 430
+  Sporting Offer (A), 450
+
+LANGLEY, F. O.
+  Audit (The), 402
+  Billet Doux, 388
+  Bygone (A), 58
+  Character (A), 158
+  Epidemic (The), 78
+  Impressing of Perkins (The), 328
+  Modern Idyll (A), 93
+  Nonentity (A), 285
+  Old Friends, 30
+  Opportunist (The), 198
+  Root of all Evil (The), 457
+  Spectrum (The), 235
+
+LAWS, A. GORDON
+  What to tell an Editor, 25
+
+LEHMANN, R. C.
+  Abandoner (The), 458
+  Bad Dream (A), 38
+  Beer Fight (The), 77
+  Exile, 278
+  Federal Solution (The), 298
+  Great Resigner (The), 142
+  Hat (The), 202
+  Jobson's, 222
+  Last Straw (The), 57
+  Lean-to Shed (The), 116
+  Legal Document (A), 488
+  May Picnic (A), 418
+  Mediation, 398
+  Not a Line, 435
+  Odd Man (The), 255
+  Paper-Chase (The), 14
+  Per Asparagos ad Astra, 325
+  Peter, a Pekinese Puppy, 347
+  Post Office Savings Bank (The), 318
+  Roosevelt Resurgit, 465
+  Singing Water, 147
+  Smiles and Laughter, 187
+  Sultan of Morocco (The), 378
+  Trying-on, 96
+  Wedding Present (The), 176
+
+LONGSTAFF, GILBERT
+  Time's Revenge, 238
+
+LUCAS, E. V.
+  Another Information Bureau, 436, 456
+  In the Brave 3d. Days, 225
+  Once upon a Time, 55, 314
+
+LUCY, HENRY
+  Essence of Parliament, 133, 153, 173, 193, 213, 233, 253, 273, 293,
+    313, 333, 353, 373, 393, 413, 433, 473
+
+McCLELLAND, W. E.
+  Yellow Furze (The), 86
+
+MARILLIER, Mrs.
+  Points of View, 238
+  To my Husband's Banker, 362
+
+MARSHALL, ARCHIBALD
+  Cabinet Crisis (A), 54
+
+MARTIN, N. R.
+  Cabinet Meets (The), 102
+  End of It All (The), 182
+  New Journal-Insurance (The), 23
+  Politics on the Links, 302
+  Red Head and White Paws, 474
+  Royalists (The), 146
+  "Scene" in 1916 (A), 322
+  Signers of the Times, 217
+
+MATKIN, C.
+  Way Out (The), 438
+
+MELVIN, H. E.
+  Lord of the Leviathans (The), 378
+
+MILNE, A. A.
+  At the Play, 195, 375
+  Competition Spirit (The), 348
+  Complete Dramatist (The), 428, 448, 462
+  "Driven", 486
+  Farewell Tour (A), 42
+  "Grumpy", 396
+  Hanging Garden in Babylon (A), 408
+  Lesson (The), 108
+  My Lord's Dinner, 326
+  Obvious (The), 308
+  Oranges and Lemons, 188, 208, 228, 248, 208, 268, 288
+  Play of Features (A), 2
+  Same Old Story (The), 26
+  Silver Linings, 66
+  Strong Man (The), 88
+  "Wrongly Attributed", 368
+
+MUIR, WARD
+  London's Links with the Past, 237
+
+NAISMITH, J. B.
+  Every Author's Wife, 148
+  In Search of Peter, 289
+
+PHILLIPS, C. K.
+  Post Office Again (The), 53
+  Telephone Again (The), 175
+  To Obey or Not to Obey, 36
+
+POPE, Miss JESSIE
+  Bomb (The), 282
+  Downward Trend (The), 194
+  Militant's Song (The), 168
+  Vagrant (A), 385
+
+RANDELL, WILFRID L.
+  Art of Conversation (The), 296
+  Can-Can (The), 454
+  Perfect Conductor (The), 162
+
+REDINGTON, Miss S.
+  Legend of Everymatron (The), 95
+
+RIGBY, REGINALD
+  Language of Colour (The), 390
+  Security, 98
+
+RISK, R. K.
+  Cowl (The), 294
+
+RITTENBERG, MAX
+  Cinema Habit (The), 215
+
+SALTER, Miss GURNEY
+  "Pereant Qui Ante Nos ...", 302
+
+SALVIDGE, STANLEY
+  Man of the Evening (The), 468
+
+SEAMAN, OWEN
+  At the Play, 18, 56, 74, 135, 156, 178, 276, 316, 356, 376, 416, 476
+  Bowles without a Bias, 102
+  Byles for the Bill, 182
+  Civil War Estimates, 142
+  Cockaigne of Dreams (A), 62
+  General Villa breaks into Poetry, 322
+  "Grand Nights", 482
+  Holiday Mood (The), 422
+  In Memoriam (Sir John Tenniel), 162
+  Prancing Prussian (A), 22
+  Smithers, B. C., 82
+  Spirit of Ulster and the Army (The), 242
+  To Mr. Chamberlain, 40
+  To the Cabinet, 280
+  Ulster for Scotland, 442
+  Unhappy Mean (The), 362
+  Union of Irish Hearts (The), 282
+  "Who Fears to Speak of"--Nineteen-six?, 382
+
+SMITH, BERTRAM
+  Bazaar Cushion (The), 126
+  Corncrake (The), 418
+  Game Licence (The), 28
+  Vandalism, 387
+
+SMITH, C. TURLEY
+  Fuser (The), 354
+  Triumph of Thinness (A), 234
+
+SMITH, E. B.
+  Business friendship, 382
+
+STERNE, ASHLEY
+  Buying a Piano, 414
+
+SYKES, A. A.
+  Deadly Button (The), 155
+  Intellectual Damage to Animals, 138
+  Pidgin Trot (The), 70
+
+TOMBS, J. S. M.
+  In the Park, 466
+  Isabel in Springtime, 327
+  Proof, 275
+  Season's Delights (The), 334
+
+WHITE, R. F.
+  Amende Deshonorable, 1
+  Belles Lettres and Others, 169
+  Canal (The), 154
+  Commercial Art, 297
+  Converted Statistician (The), 78
+  Epic from the Provinces (An), 358
+  Ideal Film Plot (The), 149
+  Ring (The), 197
+
+WILSON, A. J. A.
+  Serenity, 480
+
+WODEHOUSE, P. G.
+  Egbert, Bull-frog, 242
+  Misunderstood, 6
+  Sluggard (The), 306
+
+WYNDHAM-BROWN, W. F.
+  Political Correspondence (A), 256
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICTURES AND SKETCHES.
+
+
+ARMOUR, G. D., 19, 37, 59, 79, 97, 117, 139, 147, 197, 219, 259, 279,
+    299, 319, 335, 359, 379, 397, 417, 459, 479
+
+BAUMER, LEWIS, 70, 85, 110, 150, 190, 269, 337, 410, 470
+
+BAYNES, PHILIP, 430, 490
+
+BELCHER, GEORGE, 129, 159, 189, 225, 265, 297, 307, 339, 375, 399,
+    419, 457, 469
+
+BIRD, W., 21, 41, 100, 137, 180, 206, 241, 295, 306, 467
+
+BRIGHTWELL, L. R., 5, 141, 167, 347, 446, 484
+
+BROOK, RICARDO, 114, 281, 441
+
+CHENEY, LEO, 35
+
+COBB, Miss RUTH, 175
+
+COWES, DUDLEY S., 261
+
+DIXON, G. S., 400
+
+DOWD, J. H., 61, 87, 249, 481
+
+FENNING, WILSON, 461, 466
+
+FRASER, P., 86, 106, 236, 321, 386, 406
+
+GILL, ARTHUR, 218
+
+GRAVE, CHARLES, 7, 29, 201, 226, 370, 387, 401, 429, 477
+
+HARRIS, H. H., 286
+
+HARRISON, CHARLES, 36, 65, 246, 434, 455
+
+HART, FRANK, 57
+
+HASELDEN, W. K., 18, 56, 135, 136, 156, 178, 276, 316, 326, 356, 375,
+    376, 396, 416, 476, 486
+
+HENRY, THOMAS, 75, 94, 301
+
+HINCKLING, P. B., 366
+
+JENNIS, G., 17, 69, 155, 217
+
+LLOYD, A. W., 14, 118, 133, 134, 153, 154, 173, 174, 193, 194, 213,
+    214, 233, 234, 253, 273, 274, 293, 294, 313, 314, 333, 334, 353,
+    354, 373, 374, 393, 394, 413, 414, 433, 454, 473, 474, 493, 494
+
+LUNT, WILMOT, 74, 270
+
+MAYBANK, THOMAS, 209
+
+MILLS, A. WALLIS, 9, 33, 49, 77, 90, 169, 199, 215, 227, 255, 207, 315,
+    327, 349, 395, 415, 427, 453, 475
+
+MOBBS, HEDLEY A., 287
+
+MORROW, E. A., 460
+
+MORROW, GEORGE, 20, 40, 60, 80, 99, 120, 140, 160, 179, 200, 220, 240,
+    260, 280, 300, 310, 340, 360, 377, 389, 420, 440, 480, 496
+
+NORRIS, A., 27, 67, 115, 121, 166, 207, 320, 346, 381, 421, 487
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1
+
+PEARS, CHARLES, 55, 89, 119, 237, 380, 437
+
+PEGRAM, FRED, 53
+
+PRANCE, BERTRAM, 266
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L., 50, 289, 330, 390, 498
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK, 107, 170, 187, 247, 317
+
+ROSE, D. T., 81
+
+ROUNTREE, HARRY, 15, 39, 355
+
+SHEPARD, F. H., 6, 30, 113, 135, 165, 181, 229, 350, 407, 449
+
+SHEPPERSON, C. A., 130, 145, 210, 230, 250, 309, 329, 409
+
+SIMMONDS, GRAHAM, 10, 126, 336, 447
+
+SMITH, A. T., 13, 101, 127, 146, 195, 257, 357, 361, 367, 439
+
+STAMPA, G. L., 25, 47, 95, 105, 157, 235, 275, 290, 341, 369, 435, 450
+
+STRANGE, C. S., 186, 426
+
+TERRY, S., 254
+
+THOMAS, BERT, 495
+
+THORPE, J. H., 177, 489
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H., 45, 73, 93, 109, 125, 149, 161, 185, 205, 239, 245,
+    262, 277, 285, 305, 325, 345, 365, 385, 405, 425, 445, 465, 485
+
+WOOD, STARR, 54
+
+YOUNG, D. A., 221
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ILLUSTRATION: FINIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, June 24, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 25560.txt or 25560.zip *****
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