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diff --git a/old/25492-h.htm.2021-01-25 b/old/25492-h.htm.2021-01-25 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..148fe77 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/25492-h.htm.2021-01-25 @@ -0,0 +1,8997 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + How Private George W. Peck Put Down the Rebellion, by George W. Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of How Private George W. Peck Put Down The +Rebellion, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: How Private George W. Peck Put Down The Rebellion + or, The Funny Experiences of a Raw Recruit - 1887 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25492] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRIVATE GEORGE W. PECK *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="titlepage (106K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h1> + HOW PRIVATE GEORGE W. PECK PUT DOWN THE REBELLION + </h1> + <h1> + or, THE FUNNY EXPERIENCES OF A RAW RECRUIT. + </h1> + <h2> + By George W. Peck + </h2> + <h4> + 1887 + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Mounting a Horse from the Top of A Rail + Fence </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> On Went the Two Night Riders </a> + </p> + + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Never Did Know, How I Got out of the + General's Tent </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> A Solemn Funeral Oration </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> You Are a Darling Good Man </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> Engineer Threw a Lump of Coal and Hit Me + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> We Went Into the Camp That Way </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Just Promoted to the Proud Position of + Corporal </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> Xcuse Me, But What Kind of a Thing is + That? </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> Two Very Long Stockings, Came over the + Pulpit </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> Gave a Yell That Could Have Been Heard A + Mile </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> She Gave Him a Piece of Her Mind </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> I Forbid You Touching That Mare </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> Stood There for a Minute, Like A Horse + Statute </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The War Literature of the “Century” is very Confusing—I am + Resolved to tell the True Story of the War—How and Why I + Became a Raw Recruit—My Quarters—My Horse—My First Ride. +</pre> + <p> + For the last year or more I have been reading the articles in the <i>Century</i> + magazine, written by generals and things who served on both the Union and + Confederate sides, and have been struck by the number of “decisive + battles” that were fought, and the great number of generals who fought + them and saved the country. It seems that each general on the Union side, + who fought a battle, and writes an article for the aforesaid magazine, + admits that his battle was the one which did the business. On the + Confederate side, the generals who write articles invariably demonstrate + that they everlastingly whipped their opponents, and drove them on in + disorder. To read those articles it seems strange that the Union generals + who won so many decisive battles, should not have ended the war much + sooner than they did, and to read the accounts of battles won by the + Confederates, and the demoralization that ensued in the ranks of their + opponents, it seems marvellous that the Union army was victorious. Any man + who has followed these generals of both sides, in the pages of that + magazine, must conclude that the war was a draw game, and that both sides + were whipped. Thus far no general has lost a battle on either side, and + all of them tacitly admit that the whole thing depended on them, and that + other commanders were mere ciphers. This is a kind of history that is + going to mix up generations yet unborn in the most hopeless manner. + </p> + <p> + It has seemed to me as though the people of this country had got so mixed + up about the matter that it was the duty of some private soldier to write + a description of <i>the</i> decisive battle of the war, and as I was the + private soldier who fought that battle on the Union side, against fearful + odds, <i>viz</i>: against a Confederate soldier who was braver than I was, + a better horseback rider, and a better poker player, I feel it my duty to + tell about it. I have already mentioned it to a few veterans, and they + have advised me to write an article for the <i>Century</i>, but I have + felt a delicacy about entering the lists, a plain, unvarnished private + soldier, against those generals. While I am something of a liar myself, + and can do fairly well in my own class, I should feel that in the <i>Century</i> + I was entered in too fast a class of liars, and the result would be that I + should not only lose my entrance fee, but be distanced. So I have decided + to contribute this piece of history solely for the benefit of the readers + of my own paper, as they will believe me. + </p> + <p> + It was in 1864 that I joined a cavalry regiment in the department of the + Gulf, a raw recruit in a veteran regiment. It may be asked why I waited so + long before enlisting, and why I enlisted at all, when the war was so near + over. I know that the most of the soldiers enlisted from patriotic + motives, and because they wanted to help shed blood, and wind up the war. + I did not. I enlisted for the bounty. I thought the war was nearly over, + and that the probabilities were that the regiment I had enlisted in would, + be ordered home before I could get to it. In fact the recruiting officer + told me as much, and he said I would get my bounty, and a few months' pay, + and it would be just like finding money. He said at that late day I would + never see a rebel, and if I did have to join the regiment, there would be + no fighting, and it would just be one continued picnic for two or three + months, and there would be no more danger than to go off camping for a + duck shoot. At my time of life, now that I have become gray, and bald, and + my eyesight is failing, and I have become a grandfather, I do not want to + open the sores of twenty-two years ago. I want a quiet life. So I would + not assert that the recruiting officer deliberately lied to me, but I was + the worst deceived man that ever enlisted, and if I ever meet that man, on + this earth, it will go hard with him. Of course, if he is dead, that + settles it, as I shall not follow any man after death, where I am in doubt + as to which road he has taken, but if he is alive, and reads these lines, + he can hear of something to his advantage by communicating with me. I + would probably kill him. As far as the bounty was concerned, I got that + all right, but it was only three-hundred dollars. Within twenty-four hours + after I had been credited to the town from which I enlisted, I heard of a + town that was paying as high as twelve-hundred dollars for recruits. I + have met with many reverses of fortune in the course of a short, but + brilliant career, have loaned money and never got it back, have been taken + in by designing persons on three card monte, and have been beaten trading + horses, but I never suffered much more than I did when I found that I had + got to go to war for a beggerly three-hundred dollars bounty, when I could + have had twelve hundred dollars by being credited to another town. I think + that during two years and a half of service nothing tended more to dampen + my ardor, make me despondent, and hate myself, than the loss of that + nine-hundred dollars bounty. There was not an hour of the day, in all of + my service, that I did not think of what might have been. It was a long + time before I brought to my aid that passage of scripture, “There is no + use crying for spilled bounty,” but when I did it helped me some. I + thought of the hundreds who didn't get any bounty. + </p> + <p> + I joined my regiment, and had a cavalry horse issued to me, and was + assigned to a company. I went up to the captain of the company, whom I had + known as a farmer before the war commenced, and told him I had come to + help him put down the rebellion. I never saw a man so changed as he was. I + thought he would ask me to bring my things into his tent, and stay with + him, but he seemed to have forgotten that he had known me, when he worked + on the farm. He was dressed up nicely, and I thought he put on style, and + I could only think of him at home, with his overalls tucked in his boots, + driving a yoke of oxen to plow a field. He seemed to feel that I had known + him under unfavorable circumstances before the war, and acted as though he + wanted to shun me. I had drawn an infantry knapsack, at Madison, before I + left for the front, and had it full of things, besides a small trunk. The + captain called a soldier and told him to find quarters for me, and I went + out of his presence. At my quarters, which consisted of what was called a + pup-tent, I found no conveniences, and it soon dawned on me that war was + no picnic, as that lying recruiting officers had told me it was. I found + that I had got to throw away my trunk and knapsack, and all the articles + that I couldn't strap on a saddle, and when I asked for a mattress the men + laughed at me. I had always slept on a mattress, or a feather bed, and + when I was told that I would have to sleep on the ground, under that + little tent, I felt hurt. I had known the colonel when he used to teach + school at home, and I went to him and told him what kind of a way they + were treating me, but he only laughed. He had two nice cots in his tent, + and I told him I thought I ought to have a cot, too. He laughed some more. + Finally I asked him who slept in his extra cot, and intimated that I had + rather sleep in his tent than mine, but he sent me away, and said he would + see what could be done. I laid on the ground that night, but I didn't + sleep. If I ever get a pension it will be for rheumatism caught by + sleeping on the ground. The rheumatism has not got hold of me yet, though + twenty-two years have passed, but it may be lurking about my system, for + all I know. + </p> + <p> + I had never rode a horse, before enlisting. The only thing I had ever got + straddle of was a stool in a country printing office, and when I was first + ordered to saddle up my horse, I could not tell which way the saddle and + bridle went, and I got a colored man to help me, for which I paid him some + of the remains of my bounty. I hired him permanently, to take care of my + horse, but I soon learned that each soldier had to take care of his own + horse. That seemed pretty hard. I had been raised a pet, and had edited a + newspaper, which had been one of the most outspoken advocates of crushing + the rebellion, and it seemed to me, as much as I had done for the + government, in urging enlistments, I was entitled to more consideration + then to become my own hostler. However, I curbed my proud spirit, and + after the nigger cook had saddled my horse, I led the animal up to a fence + to climb on. From the remarks of the soldiers, and the general laugh all + around, it was easy to see that mounting a cavalry horse from off the top + of a rail fence was not according to tactics, but it was the only way I + could see to get on, in the absence of step-ladders. They let me ride into + the ranks, after mounting, and then they laughed. It was hard for me to be + obliged to throw away all the articles I had brought with me, so I + strapped them on the saddle in front and behind, and only my head stuck + out over them. There was one thing, it would be a practicable + impossibility to fall off. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/021.jpg" + alt="Mounting a Horse from the Top of A Rail Fence 021 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The regiment started on a raid. The colonel came along by my company + during the afternoon, and I asked him where we were going. He gave me an + evasive answer, which hurt my feelings. I asked his pardon, but told him I + would like to know where we were going, so as to have my letters sent to + me, but he went off laughing, and never told me, while the old soldiers + laughed, though I couldn't see what they were laughing at. I did not + suppose there was so much difference between officers and privates, and + wondered if it was the policy of this government to have a cavalry + regiment to start off on a long raid and not let the soldiers know where + they were going, and during the afternoon I decided to write home to the + paper I formerly edited and give my opinion of such a fool way of running + a war. Suppose anybody at home was sick, they wouldn't know where to write + for me to come back. There is nothing that will give a man such an + appetite as riding on a galloping horse, and along about the middle of the + afternoon I began to get hungry, and asked the orderly sergeant when we + were going to get any dinner. He said there was a hotel a short distance + ahead, and the colonel had gone forward to order dinner for the regiment. + I believed him, because I had known the orderly before the war, when he + drove a horse in a brickyard, grinding clay. But he was a liar, too, as I + found out afterwards. There was not a hotel within fifty miles, and + soldiers did not stop at hotels, anyway. Finally the orderly sergeant came + along and announced that dinner was ready, and I looked for the hotel, but + the only dinner I saw was some raw pork that soldiers took out of their + saddle bags, with hard tack. We stopped in the woods, dismounted, and the + boys would cut off a slice of fat pork and spread it on the hard tack and + eat it. I had never supposed the government would subject its soldiers to + such fare as that, and I wouldn't eat. I did not dare dismount, as there + was no fence near that I could use to climb on to my horse, so I sat in + the saddle and let the horse eat some grass, while I thought of home, and + pie and cake, and what a condemned fool a man was to leave a comfortable + home to go and put down anybody's rebellion. The way I felt then I + wouldn't have touched a rebellion if one lay right in the road. What + business was it of mine if some people in the South wanted to dissolve + partnership and go set up business for themselves? How was I going to + prevent them from having a southern confederacy, by riding an old rack of + bones of a horse, that would reach his nose around every little while and + chew my legs? If the recruiting officer who inveigled me into the army had + come along then, his widow would now be drawing a pension. While I was + thinking, dreaming of home, and the horse was eating grass, the fool + animal suddenly took it into his head to lay down and roll, and before I + could kick any of his ribs in, he was down, and I was rolling off, with + one leg under him. The soldiers quit eating and pulled the horse of me, + and hoisted me up into the space between my baggage, and then they + laughed, lit their pipes and smoked, as happy as could be. I couldn t see + how they could be happy, and wondered if they were not sick of war. Then + they mounted, and on we went. My legs and body became chafed, and it + seemed as though I couldn t ride another minute, and when the captain came + along I told him about it, and asked him if I couldn t be relieved some + way. He said the only way was for me to stand on my head and ride, and he + winked at a soldier near me, and, do you know, that soldier actually + changed ends with himself and stood on his head and hands in the saddle + and rode quite a distance, and the captain said that was the way a cavalry + soldier rested himself. Gracious, I wouldn t have tried that for the + world, and I found out afterwards that the soldier who stood on his head + formerly belonged with a circus. + </p> + <p> + I suppose it was wrong to complain, but the horse they gave me was the + meanest horse in the regiment. He would bite and kick the other horses, + and they would kick back, and about half the time I was dodging the heels + of horses, and a good deal of the time I was wondering if a man would get + any pension if he was wounded that way. It would seem pretty tough to go + home on a stretcher, as a wounded soldier, and have people find out a + horse kicked you. I never had been a man of blood, and didn't enlist to + kill anybody, as I could prove by that recruiting officer, and I didn t + want to fight, but from what I could gather from the conversation of the + soldiers, fighting and killing people was about all they thought about. + They talked about this one and that one who had been killed, and the + hundreds of confederates they had all shot or killed with sabres, until my + hair just stood right up. It seems that twelve or fifteen men, more or + less, had been shot off the horse I was riding, and one fellow who rode + next to me said no man who ever rode that old yellow horse had escaped + alive. This was cheering to me, and I would have given my three hundred + dollars bounty, and all I could borrow, if I could get out of the army. + However, I found out afterwards that the soldier lied. In fact they all + lied, and they lied for my benefit. We struck into the woods, and traveled + until after dark, with no road, and the march was enlivened by remarks of + the soldiers near me to the effect that we would probably never get out of + the woods alive. They said we were trying to surround an army of rebels, + and cut them off from the main army, and the chances were that when + tomorrow's sun rose it would rise on the ghostly corpses of the whole + regiment, with jackals and buzzards eating us. One of the soldiers took + something from his pocket, about the size of a testament, pressed it to + his heart, and then kissed it, and I felt as though I was about to faint, + but by the light of a match which another soldier had scratched on his + pants to light his pipe, I saw that what I supposed to be a testament, was + a box of sardines the soldier had bought of the sutler. I was just about + to die of hunger, exhaustion, and fright at the fearful stories the + veterans had been telling, when there was a shout at the head of the + regiment, which was taken up all along the line, my horse run under the + limb of a tree and raked me out of the saddle, and I hung to the limb, my + legs hanging down, and + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Am Rudely Awakened from Dreams of Home—I Go on Picket— + The Foe Advances—A Desperate Conflict—The Union— + Confederate Breakfast on the Alabama Race-Track—A Friendly + Partin +</pre> + <p> + The careful readers of this history have no doubt been worried about the + manner in which the first chapter closed, leaving me hanging to a limb of + a tree, like Absalom weeping for her children, my horse having gone out + from under me. But I have not been hanging there all this time. The + soldiers took me down, and caught my horse, and the regiment dismounted + and a council of war was held. I suppose it was a council of war, as I + noticed the officers were all in a group under a tree, with a candle, + examining a map, and drinking out of a canteen. I had read of councils of + war, but I had never seen one, and so I walked over to the crowd of + officers and asked the colonel if there was anything particular the + matter. I never saw a crowd of men who seemed so astonished as those + officers were, and suddenly I felt myself going away from where they were + consulting, with somebody's strong hand on my collar, and an unmistakable + cavalry boot, with a man in it, in the vicinity of my pantaloons. I do not + know to this day, which officer it was that kicked me, but I went away and + sat under a tree in the dark, so hungry that I was near dead, and I wished + I <i>was</i> dead. I guess the officers wished that I was, too. The + soldiers tried to console me by telling me I was too fresh, but I couldn't + see why a private soldier, right from home, who knew all about the public + sentiment at the north in regard to the way the war was conducted, should + not have a voice in the consultations of officers. I had written many + editorials before I left home, criticising the manner in which many + generals had handled their commands, and pointed out to my readers how + defeat could have been turned into victory, if the generals had done as I + would have done in their places. It seemed to me the officers of my + regiment were taking a suicidal course in barring me out of their + consultations. A soldier had told me that we were lost in the woods, and + as I had studied geography when at school, and was well posted about + Alabama, it seemed as though a little advice from me would be worth a good + deal. But I concluded to let them stay lost forever before I would + volunteer any information. It was crawling along towards midnight, of my + first day in the army, and I had eaten nothing since morning. As I sat + there under the tree I fell asleep, and was dreaming of home, and warm + biscuit, with honey, and a feather bed, when I was rudely awakened by a + corporal who told me to mount. I asked him what for, and told him that I + didn t want to ride any more that night. What I wanted was to be let + alone, to sleep. He said to get on the horse too quick, and I found there + was no use arguing with a common corporal, so the boys hoisted me on to + the horse, and about nine of us started off through the woods in the + moonlight, looking for a main road. The corporal was kind enough to say + that as soon as we found a road we would put out a picket, and send a + courier back to the regiment to inform the colonel that we had got out of + the woods, and the rest of us would lay down and sleep till morning. I + don't think I was ever so anxious to see a road in all my life, because I + <i>did</i> want to lay down and sleep, and die. O, if I could have + telegraphed home, how I would have warned the youth of the land to beware + of the allurements held out by recruiting officers, and to let war alone. + In an hour or so we came to a clearing, and presently to a road, and we + stopped. The corporal detailed me to go up the road a short distance and + stand picket on my horse. That was not what I had expected of the + corporal. I used to know him before the war when he worked in a paint shop + in a wagon factory, and I had always treated him well, and it seemed as + though he ought to favor me by letting somebody else go on picket. I told + him that the other boys were more accustomed to such work than I was, and + that I would resign in their favor, because what I wanted was rest, but he + said I would have to go, and he called me “Camp and Garrison Equipage,” + because I carried so much luggage on my horse, a name that held to me for + months. I found that there was no use kicking against going on picket duty + that night, though I tried to argue with the corporal that it would be + just as well to all lay down and sleep till morning, and put out a picket + when it got light enough to see. I was willing to work during the day time + for the government, but it seemed as though it was rushing things a little + to make a man work day and night for thirteen dollars a month. So the + corporal went out on the road with me about a quarter of a mile, and + placed me in position and gave me my instructions. The instructions were + to keep a sharp lookout up and down the road for Confederate cavalry, and + if I saw anybody approaching to sing out “halt!” and if the party did not + halt to shoot him, and then call for the corporal of the guard, who would + come out to see what was the matter. I asked him what I should do if + anybody came along and shot me, and he said that would be all right, that + the boys would come out and bury me. He said I must keep awake, for if I + got to sleep on my post I would be court-martialed and shot, and then he + rode away and left me alone, on a horse that kept whinnying, and calling + the attention of possible Confederates to my position. + </p> + <p> + I do not think any reader of these papers will envy me the position I was + in at that time. If I remained awake, I was liable to be killed by the + enemy, and if I fell asleep on my post I would be shot anyway. And if I + was not killed, it was probable I would be a murderer before morning. + Hunger was gnawing at my stomach, and the horse was gnawing at my legs, + and I was gnawing at a hard tack which I had found in the saddle-bag. + Every little while I would hear a noise, and my hair would raise my hat + up, and it would seem to me as though the next minute a volley would be + fired at me, and I shrunk down between the piles of baggage on my saddle + to be protected from bullets. Suddenly the moon came out from behind a + cloud and around a turn in the road a solitary horseman might have been + seen coming towards me. I never have seen a horse that looked as high as + that horse did. He seemed at least eighteen feet high, and the man on him + was certainly twelve feet high. My heart pounded against a tin canteen + that I had strung around my shoulder, so I could hear the beating + perfectly plain. The man was approaching, and I was trying to think + whether I had been instructed to shoot and then call for the corporal of + the guard, or call for the corporal and then ask him to halt. I knew there + was a halt in my instructions, and wondered if it would not conciliate the + enemy to a certain extent if I would say “Please Halt.” The fact was, I + didn t want to have any fuss. If I could have backed my horse up into the + woods, and let the man go by, it seemed as though it would save + precipitating a conflict. It is probable that no military man was ever in + so tight a place as I was that minute. The enemy was advancing, and I + wondered if, when he got near enough, I could say “halt,” in a commanding + tone of voice. I knew enough, then, to feel that to ask the stranger to + halt in a trembling and husky voice would give the whole thing away, that + I was a recruit and a coward. Ye gods, how I suffered! I wondered if I + could hit a man with a bullet. Before the war I was quite a good shot with + a shotgun, shooting into flocks of pigeons and ducks, and I thought what a + good idea it would be if I could get that approaching rebel into a flock. + The idea seemed so ridiculous that I laughed right out loud. It was not a + hearty, happy laugh, but it was a laugh all the same, and I was proud that + I could laugh in the face of danger, when I might be a corpse any minute. + The man on the horse stopped. Whether he heard me laugh it is impossible + to say, but he stopped. That relieved me a great deal. As he had stopped + it was unnecessary for me to invite him to halt. He was welcome to stay + there if he wanted to. I argued that it was not my place to go howling + around the Southern Confederacy, ordering people to halt, when they had + already halted. If he would let me alone and stay where he was, what sense + was there in picking a quarrel with him? + </p> + <p> + Why should I want to shoot a total stranger, who might have a family at + home, somewhere in the South, who would mourn for him. He might be a dead + shot, as many Southern gentlemen were, and if I went to advising him about + halting, it would, very likely cause his hot Southern blood to boil, and + he would say he had just as much right to that road as I had. If it come + right down to the justice of the thing, I should have to admit that + Alabama was not my state. Wisconsin was my home, and if I was up there, + and a man should trespass on my property, it would be reasonable enough + for me to ask him to go away from there, and enforce my request by calling + a constable and having him put off the premises. But how did I know but he + owned property there, and was a tax-payer. I had it all figured out that I + was right in not disturbing that rebel, and I knew that I could argue with + my colonel for a week, if necessary, on the law points in the case, and + the courtesy that I deemed proper between gentlemen, if any complaint was + made for not doing my duty. But, lordy, how I <i>did</i> sweat while I was + deciding to let him alone if he would let me alone. The war might have + been going on now, and that rebel and myself might have been standing + there today, looking at each other, if it hadn't been for the action of + the fool horse that I rode. My horse had been evidently asleep for some + time, but suddenly he woke up, pricked up his ears, and began to prance, + and jump sideways like a race horse that is on the track, and wants to + run. The horse reared up and plunged, and kept working up nearer to my + Southern friend, and I tried to hold him, and keep him still, but suddenly + he got the best of me and started towards the other man and horse, and the + other horse started, as though some one had said “go”.{*} + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * [Before I get any further on this history of the war, it + is necessary to explain. The facts proved to be that my + regiment had got lost in the woods, and the scouting party, + under the corporal, who had been sent out to find a road, + had come upon the three-quarter stretch of an old private + race track on a deserted southern plantation, instead of a + main road, and I had been placed on picket near the last + turn before striking the quarter stretch. A small party of + Confederates, who had been out on a scout, and got lost, had + come on the track further down, near the judges' stand, and + they had put a man, on picket up near where I was, supposing + they had struck the road, and intending to wait until + morning so as to find out where they were. My horse was an + old race horse, and as soon as he saw the other horse, he + was in for a race and the other horse was willing. This will + show the situation as well as though I had a race track + engraved, showing the positions of the two armies. The + Confederates, except the man on picket, were asleep beside + the track near the quarter stretch, and our fellows, except + myself, were asleep over by the three-quarter pole.] +</pre> + <p> + I do not suppose any man on this earth, or any other earth, ever tried to + stop a fool horse quite as hard as I did that one. I pulled until my arms + ached, but he went for all that was out, and the horse ahead of me was + buckling in as fast as he could. I could not help wondering what would + happen if I should overtake that Southern man. I was gaining on him, when + suddenly eight or nine men who were sleeping beside the road, got up and + began to shoot at us. They were the friends of the rebel, who believed + that the whole Union army was making a charge on them. We got by the + shooters alive, and then, as we passed the rickety old judge's stand, I + realized that we were on a race track, and for a moment I forgot that I + was a soldier, and only thought of myself as a rider of a race horse, and + I gave the horse his head, and kicked him, and yelled like a Comanche + Indian, and I had the satisfaction of seeing my horse go by the rebel, and + I yelled some more. I got a glimpse of my rebel's, face as I went by him, + and he didn't look much more like a fighting man than I did, but he was, + for as soon as I had got ahead of him he drew a revolver and began firing + at me on the run. I thought that was a mean trick, and spoke to him about + it afterwards, but he said he only wanted me to stop so he could get + acquainted with me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/039.jpg" alt="On Went the Two Night Riders 039 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, I never could find any bullets in any of the clothes strapped on the + back of my saddle, but it <i>did</i> seem to me as though every bullet + from his revolver hit very near my vital parts. But a new danger presented + itself. We were rapidly approaching the corporal and his men, with whose + command I belonged, and they would wake up and think the whole Confederate + army was charging them, and if I was not killed by the confounded rebel + behind me, I should probably be shot all to pieces by our own men. As we + passed our men they fired a few sleepy shots towards us, and took to the + woods. On went the two night riders, and when the rebel had exhausted his + revolver he began to urge his horse, and passed me, and I drew my revolver + and began to fire at him. As we passed the judge's stand the second time a + couple of shots from quite a distance in the woods showed that his rebel + friends had taken alarm at the frequent charges of cavalry, and had + skipped to the woods and were getting away as fast as possible. We went + around the track once more, and when near the judge's stand I was right + behind him, and his horse fell down and my horse stumbled over him, and I + guess we were both stunned. Finally I crawled out from under my horse, and + the rebel was trying to raise up, when I said, “What in thunder you want + to chase a man all around the Southern Confederacy for, on a dark night, + trying to shoot him?” He asked me to help him up, which I did, when he + said, “Who commenced this here chasing? If you had kept whar you was, I + wouldn't a had no truck with you.” Then I said, “You are my prisoner,” and + he said, “No, you are my prisoner.” I told him I was no hand to argue, but + it seemed to me it was about a stand off, as to which was 'tother's + prisoner. I told him that was my first day's service as a soldier, and I + was not posted as to the customs of civilized warfare, but I was willing + to wait till daylight, leaving matters just as they were, each of us on + the defensive, giving up none of our rights, and after daylight we would + play a game of seven-up to see which was the prisoner. That seemed fair to + him, and he accepted the situation, remarking that he had only been + conscripted a few days and didn't know any more about war than a cow. He + said he was a newspaper man from Georgia, and had been taken right from + the case in his office before his paper could be got out. I told him I was + only a few days out of a country printing office my-self, the sheriff + having closed out my business on an old paper bill. A bond of sympathy was + inaugurated at once between us, and when he limped along the track to the + fence, and found that his ankle was hurt by the fall, I brought a bottle + of horse liniment out of my saddle-bags, and a rag, and bound some + liniment on his ankle. He said he had never seen a Yankee soldier before, + and he was glad he had met me. I told him he was the first rebel I had + ever met, and I hoped he would be the last, until the war was over. By + this time our horses had gone to nibbling grass, as though there were no + such thing as war. We could hear occasional bugle calls off in the woods + in two directions, and knew that our respective commands had gone off and + got lost again, so we concluded to camp there till morning. After the + excitement was over I began to get hungry, and I asked him if he had + anything to eat. He said he had some corn bread and bacon, and he could + get some sweet potatoes over in a field. So I built a fire there on the + track, and he hobbled off after potatoes. Just about daylight breakfast + was served, consisting of coffee, which I carried in a sack, made in a pot + he carried, bacon fried in a half of a tin canteen, sweet potatoes roasted + in the ashes, and Confederate corn bread, warmed by holding it over the + fire on a sharp stick. My friend, the rebel, sat on my saddle, which I had + removed from my horse, after he had promised me on his honor to help me to + put it on when it was time to mount. He knew how to put on saddles, and I + didn t, and as his ankle was lame I gave him the best seat, he being my + guest, that is, he was my guest if I beat him in the coming game of + seven-up, which we were to play to see if he was my prisoner, or I was + his. It being daylight, I could see him, and study his character, and + honestly he was a mighty fine-looking fellow. As we eat our early + breakfast I began to think that the recruiting officer was more than half + right about war being a picnic. He talked about the newspaper business in + the South, and before breakfast was over we had formed a partnership to + publish a paper at Montgomery, Ala., after the war should be over. I have + eaten a great many first-class meals in my time, have feasted at + Delmonico's, and lived at the best hotels in the land, besides partaking + pretty fair food camping out, where an appetite was worked up by exercise + and sporting, but in all my life I have never had anything taste as good + as that combination Union-Confederate breakfast on the Alabama race track, + beside the judges stand. After the last potato peeling, and the last crumb + of corn bread had been “sopped” in the bacon gravy and eaten, we whittled + some tobacco off a plug, filled our pipes and leaned up against the fence + and smoked the most enjoyable smoke that ever was smoked. After smoking in + silence a few minutes my rebel friend said, as he blew the smoke from his + handsome mouth, “War is not so unpleasant, after all.” Then we fell to + talking about the manner in which the different generals on each side had + conducted things. He went on to show that if Lee had taken his advice, the + Yankees would then be on the run for the North, and I showed him, by a few + well-chosen remarks that if I could have been close to Grant, and given + him some pointers, that the Confederates would be hunting their holes. We + were both convinced that it was a great mistake that we were nothing but + private soldiers, but felt that it would not be long before we were called + to occupy high places. It seemed to stand to reason that true merit would + find its reward. Then he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and said if I + had a pack of cards we would go up in the judges stand and play seven-up + to see whether I was his prisoner, or he was mine. I wanted to take a + prisoner back to the regiment, at I thought it would make me solid with + the colonel, and I played a strong game of seven-up, but before we got + started to playing he suggested that we call it a stand-off, and agree + that neither of us should be a prisoner, but that when we got ready to + part each should go hunt up his own command, and tell the biggest lie we + could think of as to the fight we had had. That was right into my hand, + and I agreed, and then my friend suggested that we play poker for money. I + consented and he put up Confederate money, against my greenbacks, ten to + one. We played about an hour, and at the close he had won the balance of + my bounty, except what I had given to the chaplain for safe keeping, and a + pair of pants, and a blouse, and a flannel shirt, and a pair of shoes, + which I had on my saddle. I was rather glad to get rid of some of my extra + baggage, and when he put on the clothes he had won from me, blessed if I + wasn t rather proud of him. A man could wear any kind of clothes in the + Confederate army, and my rebel looked real comfortable in my clothes, and + I felt that it was a real kind act to allow him to win a blue suit that I + did not need. If the men of both the armies, and the people of both + sections of the distracted country could have seen us two soldiers + together, there in the judges stand, peacefully playing poker, while the + battles were raging in the East and in the West, that would have felt that + an era of good feeling was about to dawn on the country. After we had + played enough poker, and I had lost everything I had that was loose, I + suggested that he sing a song, so he sung the “Bonnie Blue Flag.” I did + not think it was right for him to work in a rebel song on me, but it did + sound splendid, and I forgot that there was any war, in listening to the + rich voice of my new friend. When he got through he asked me to sing + something. I never <i>could</i> sing, anyway. My folks had always told me + that my voice sounded like a corn sheller, but he urged me at his own + peril, and I sung, or tried to, “We'll Hang Jeff Davis to a Sour Apple + Tree.” I had no designs on Mr. Davis, honestly I hadn't, and it was the + farthest thing from my thoughts to hurt the feelings of that young man, + but before I had finished the first verse he took his handkerchief out and + placed it to his eyes. I stopped and apologized, but he said not to mind + him, as he was better now. He told me, afterwards, in the strictest + confidence, that my singing was the worst he ever heard, and gave it as + his opinion that if Jeff Davis could hear me sing he would be willing, + even anxious, to be hung. If I had been sensitive about my musical + talents, probably there would have been hard feelings, and possibly + bloodshed, right there, but I told him I always knew I couldn't sing, and + he said that I was in luck. Well, we fooled around there till about ten + o'clock in the morning, and decided that we would part, and each seek our + respective commands, so I put some more horse liniment on his sprained + ankle, and he saddled my horse for me, and after expressions of mutual + pleasure at meeting each other, and promises that after the war we would + seek each other out, we mounted, he gave three cheers for the Yanks, and I + gave three cheers for the Johnnies, he divided his plug of tobacco with + me, and I gave him the bottle of horse liniment, he turned his horse + towards the direction his gray coats had taken the night before, while I + turned my horse towards the hole in the woods our fellows had made, and we + left the race track where we had fought so gamely, eat so heartily, and + played poker so disastrously, to me. As we were each about going into the + woods, half a mile apart, he waved his handkerchief at me, and I waved + mine at him, and we plunged into the forest. + </p> + <p> + After riding for an hour or so, alone in the woods, thinking up a good lie + to tell about where I had been, and what I had been doing, I heard horses + neighing, and presently I came upon my regiment, just starting out to hunt + me up. The colonel looked at me and said, “Kill the fat prodigal, the calf + has got back.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Describe a Deadly Encounter—Am Congratulated as a Warrior + With a Big “W”—The Chaplain Gives Good Advice—I Attend + Surgeon's Call—Castor Oil out of a Dirty Bottle—Back to + the Chaplain's Tent—I am Wounded in the Canteen. +</pre> + <p> + The last chapter of this history left me facing my regiment, which had + started out to hunt me up, after my terrible fight with that Confederate. + The colonel rode up to me and shook me by the hand, and congratulated me, + and the major and adjutant said they had never expected to see me alive, + and the soldiers looked at me as one returned from the grave, and from + what I could gather by the looks of the boys, I was something of a hero, + even before I had told my story. The colonel asked me what had become of + all the baggage I had on my saddle when I went away, and I told him that I + had thrown ballast over-board all over the Southern Confederacy, when I + was charging the enemy, because I found my horse drew too much water for a + long run. He said something about my being a Horse-Marine, and sent me + back to my company, telling me that when we got into camp that night he + would send for me and I could tell the story of my capture and escape. I + rode back into my company, and you never saw such a change of sentiment + towards a raw recruit, as there was towards me, and they asked me + questions about my first fight. The corporal who had placed me on picket, + and stampeded at the first fire, was unusually gracious to me, and said + when he saw a hundred and fifty rebels come charging down the road, + yelling and firing, he knew it was no place for his small command, so he + lit out. He said he supposed of course I was shot all to pieces. I didn't + tell him that it was me that did all the yelling, and that there was only + one rebel, and that he was perfectly harmless, but I told him that he + miscalculated the number of the enemy, as there were, all told, at least + five hundred, and that I had killed fourteen that I knew of, besides a + number had been taken away in ambulances, wounded. The boys opened their + eyes, and nothing was too good for me during that march. We went into camp + in the pine woods late in the afternoon, and after supper the colonel sent + for me, and I went to his tent. All the officers were there, and as many + soldiers as dared crowd around. The colonel said the corporal had reported + where he left me, and how the enemy had charged in force, and he supposed + that I had been promptly killed. That he felt that he could not hold his + position against such immense odds, so he had fallen back slowly, firing + as he did so, until the place was too hot for him, and now he wanted to + hear my story. I told the colonel that I was new at the business, and may + be I did not use the best judgment in the world, by remaining to fight + against such odds, but I meant well. I told him I did not wish to complain + of the corporal, who no doubt was an able fighter, but it did seem to me + that he ought at least to have waited till the battle had actually + commenced. I said that the first charge, which stampeded the corporal and + his men, was not a marker to what took place afterwards. I said when the + enemy first appeared, I dismounted, got behind a tree, and poured a + murderous fire into the ranks of the rebels, and that they fell all + around. I could not tell how many were killed, but probably ten, as I + fired eleven shots from, my carbine, and I usually calculated on missing + one out of ten, when shooting at a mark. Then they fell back and I mounted + my horse and rode to their right flank and poured it into them red hot + from my revolver, and that I saw several fall from their horses, when they + stampeded, and I drew my saber and charged them, and after cutting down + several, I was surrounded by the whole rebel army and captured. They tied + me to the wheel of a gun carriage, and after trying to pump me as to the + number of men I had fighting against them, they left me to hold a council + of war, when I untied myself, mounted my horse, and cut my way out, and + took to the woods. I apologized to the colonel for running away from the + enemy, but told him it seemed to me, after the number I had killed, and + the length of time I had held them at bay, it was no more than right to + save my own life, as I had use for it in my business. During my recital of + the lie I had made up, the officers and soldiers stood around with mouths + open, and when I had concluded my story, there was silence for a moment, + when the colonel stepped forward and took me by the hand, and in a few + well chosen remarks congratulated me on my escape, and thanked me for so + valiantly standing my ground against such fearful odds, and he said I had + reflected credit upon my regiment, and that hereafter I would be classed + as a veteran instead of a recruit. He said he had never known a man to + come right from the paths of peace, and develop into a warrior with a big + “W” so short a time. The other officers congratulated me, and the soldiers + said I was a bully boy. The colonel treated to some commissary whisky, and + then the business of the evening commenced, which I found to be draw + poker. I sat around for some time watching the officers play poker, when + the chaplain, who was a nice little pious man, asked me to step outside + the tent, as he wished to converse with me. I went out into the moonlight + with him, and he took me away from the tents, under a tree, and told me he + had been much interested in my story. I thanked him, and said I had been + as brief as possible. He said, “I was interested, because I used to be + something of a liar myself, before I reformed, and studied for the + ministry.” It occurred to me that possibly the chaplain did not believe my + simple tale, and I asked him if he doubted my story. “That is about the + size of it,” says he. I told him I was sorry I had not told the story in + such a manner that he would believe it, because I valued the opinion of + the chaplain above all others. He said he had known a good many star liars + in his time, some that had national reputations, but he had never seen one + that could hold a candle to me in telling a colossal lie, or aggregation + of lies, and tell them so easy. I thanked him for his good opinion, and + told him that I flattered myself that for a recruit, right fresh from the + people, who had never had any experience as a military liar, I had done + pretty well. He said I certainly had, and he was glad to make my + acquaintance. I asked him to promise not to give it away to the other + officers, which he did, and then I told him the whole story, as it was, + and that I was probably the biggest coward that ever lived, and that I was + only afraid that my story of blood-letting would encourage the officers to + be constantly putting me into places of danger, which I did not want to be + in. I told him I believed this war could be ended without killing any more + men, and cited the fact that I had been a soldier nearly forty-eight + hours, and nobody had been killed, and the enemy was on the run. I told + the chaplain that if there was one thing I didn't want to see, it was + blood. Others might have an insatiable appetite for gore, but I didn't + want any at all. I was willing to do anything for this government but + fight; and if he could recommend to me any line of action by which I could + pull through without being sent out to do battle with strangers who could + shoot well, I should consider it a favor. What I wanted was a soft job, + where there was no danger. The chaplain looked thoughtful a moment, and + then took me over to his tent, where he opened a bottle of blackberry + brandy. He took a small dose, after placing his hand on his stomach and + groaning a little. He asked me if I did not sometimes have a pain under my + vest. I told him I never had a pain anywhere. Then he said I couldn't have + any brandy. He said the brandy came from the sanitary commsssion, and was + controlled entirely by the chaplains of the different regiments, and the + instructions were to only use it in case of sickness. He said a great many + of the boys had pains regularly, and came to him for relief. He smacked + his lips and said if I felt any pain coming on, to help myself to the + brandy. It is singular how a pain will sometimes come on when you least + expect it. It was not a minute before I began to feel a small pain, not + bigger than a man's hand, and as I looked at the bottle the pain + increased, and I had to tell the chaplain that I must have relief before + it was everlastingly too late, so he poured out a dose of brandy for me. I + could see that I was becoming a veteran very fast, as I could work the + chaplain for sanitary stores pretty early in the game. Well, the chaplain + and me had pains off and on, for an hour or two, and became good friends. + He told me of quite a number of methods of shirking active duty, such as + being detailed to take care of baggage, acting as orderly, and going to + surgeon's call. He said if a man went to surgeon's call, the doctor would + report him sick, and he could not be sent out on duty. The next day we + went back to our post, where the regiment was stationed, and where they + had barracks, that they wintered in, and remained there several weeks, + drilling. I was drilled in mounting and dismounting, and soon got so I + could mount a horse without climbing on to him from a fence. But the drill + became irksome, and I decided to try the chaplain's suggestion about going + to surgeon's call. I got in line with about twenty other soldiers, and we + marched over to the surgeon's quarters. I supposed the doctor would take + each soldier into a private room, feel of his pulse, look at his tongue, + and say that what he needed was rest, and give him some powders to be + taken in wafers, or in sugar. But all he did was to say “What's the + matter?” and the sick man would tell him, when the doctor would tell his + assistant to give the man something, and pass on to the next. I was the + last one to be served, and the interview was about as follows: + </p> + <p> + Doc.—What's the matter? + </p> + <p> + Me—Bilious. + </p> + <p> + Doc.—Run out your tongue. Take a swallow out of the black bottle. + </p> + <p> + That seems very simple, indeed, but it nearly killed me. When he told me + to run out my tongue, I run out perhaps six inches of the lower end of it, + the doctor glanced at it as though it was nothing to him anyway, and then + he told me to take a swallow out of the bottle. In all my life I had never + taken four doses of medicine, and when I did the medicine was disguised in + preserves or something. The hospital steward handed me the bottle that a + dozen other sick soldiers had drank out of, and it was sticky all around + the top, and contained something that looked like castor oil, for greasing + a buggy. He told me to take a good big swallow, and I tried to do so. Talk + about the suffering brought on by the war, it seems to me nobody ever + suffered as I did, trying to drink a swallow of that castor oil out of a + two quart bottle, that was dirty. It run so slow that it seemed, an age + before I got enough to swallow, and then it seemed another age before the + oil could pass a given point in my neck. And great Caesar's ghost how it + <i>did</i> taste. I think it went down my neck, and I just had strength + enough to ask the steward to give me something to take the taste out of my + mouth. He handed me a blue pill. O, I could have killed him. I rushed to + the chaplain's tent and took a drink of blackberry brandy, and my life was + saved, but for three years after that I was never sick enough to get + farther than the chaplain's quarters. + </p> + + <p> + I suppose the meanest trick that was ever played on a raw recruit, was + played on me while we were in camp at that place. It seemed to me that + some of the boys got jealous of me, because I had become a hero, + accidentally. May be some of them did not believe I had killed as many of + the enemy as I had owned up to having killed. Anyway every little while + some soldier would say that he thought it was a mean man that would go out + and kill a lot of rebels and not bury them. He said a man that would do + that was a regular pot-hunter, who killed game and left it on the ground + to spoil. They made lots of such uncharitable remarks, but I did not pay + much attention to to them. I had a tent-mate who took a great interest in + me, and he said no soldier's life was safe who did not wear a + breast-plate, and he asked me if I did not bring any breast-plate with me. + I told him I never heard of a breastplate, and asked him what it was. He + said it was a vest made of the finest spring steel, that could be worn + under the clothes, which was so strong that a bullet could not penetrate + it. He supposed of course I had one, when he heard of the fight I had, and + said none of the old boys would go into a fight without one, as it covered + the vital parts, and saved many a life. I bit like a bass. If there was + anything I wanted more than a discharge, it was a breast-plate. If the + chaplain should succeed in getting me a soft job, where there was no + danger, I could get along without my breast-plate, but there was no sure + thing about the chaplain, so I asked the soldier where I could get a + breastplate. He said the quartermaster used to issue them, but he didn't + have any on hand now, but he said he knew where there was one that once + belonged to a soldier who was killed, and he thought he could get it for + me. I asked him how it happened that the soldier was killed, when he had a + breast-plate, and he told me the man was killed by eating green peaches. + Of course I couldn't expect a breastplate to save me from the effects of + eating unripe fruit, and I felt that if it would save me from bullets it + would be worth all it cost, so I told the soldier to get it for me. That + evening he brought it around, and he helped me put it on. I learned + afterwards that it was an old breast-plate that an officer had brought to + the regiment when the war broke out, and that it had been played on raw + recruits for two years. After I had got it on, the soldier suggested that + we go out with several other dare devils, and run the guard and go down + town and play billiards, and have a jolly time. I asked him if the guard + would not shoot at us, and he said the guards would be all right, and if + they did shoot they would shoot at the breast-plates, as all the boys had + them on. So about six of us sneaked through the guards, went to town and + had a big time, and came back along towards morning, each with a canteen + of whisky. It was not easy getting back inside the lines, as the moon was + shining, but we got by the guards, and then my friends suggested that we + take our breast-plates off and put them on behind us, as the guards, if + they shot at all, would be firing in our rear. I took mine off and put it + on behind my pants, and just then somebody fired a gun, and the boys said + “run,” and I started ahead, and the firing continued, and about every jump + I could hear and feel something striking my breast-plate behind, which + seemed to me to be bullets, and I was glad I had the breast-plate on, + though afterwards I found that the boys behind me were firing off their + revolvers in the air, and throwing small stones at my breast-plate. + Presently a bullet, as I supposed, struck me in the back above the + breast-plate, and I could feel blood trickling down my back, and I knew I + was wounded. O, I hankered for gore, before enlisting, and while editing a + paper, and now I had got it, got gore till I couldn't rest. The blood run + down my side, down my leg, into my boot, and I could feel I was wading in + my own blood. And great heaven's, how it did smell. I had never smelled + blood before, that I knew of, and I thought it had the most peculiar, + pungent, intoxicating odor. I ran towards my quarters as fast as possible, + fainting almost, from imaginary loss of blood, and finally rushed into my + tent, threw myself on my bunk and called loudly for the doctor and + chaplain, and then I fainted. When I came to I was surrounded by the + doctor, and a lot of the boys, all laughing, and the chaplain was trying + to say something pious, while trying to keep a straight face. “Have you + succeeded in staunching the blood, doc?” I asked, in a trembling voice. He + said the blood was quite staunch, but the whisky could never be saved. I + did not know what he meant, and I turned to the chaplain and asked him if + he wouldn't be kind enough to say something appropriate to the occasion. I + told him I had been a bad man, had lied some, as he well knew, and had + been guilty of things that would bar me out of the angel choir, but that + if he had any influence at the throne of grace, and could manage to sneak + me in under the canvass anyway, he could have the balance of my bounty, + and all the pay that might be coming to me. The chaplain held up the + breast-plate that had been removed by kind hands, from the back portion of + my person, and said I had better take that along with me, as it would be + handy to wear when I wanted to stand with my back to the fire in hades. I + could not understand why the good man should joke me, on my death bed, and + I rolled over with my back to the wall, to weep, unobserved, and I felt + the blood sticking to my clothes and person, and I asked the doctor why he + did not dress my wound. He said he should have to send the wound to the + tin-shop to be dressed, and then they all laughed. This made me indignant, + and I turned over and faced the crowd, and asked them if they had no + hearts, that they could thus mock at a dying man. The doctor held up my + canteen with a hole in it, made by a stone thrown by one of my companions, + and said, “You d——d fool, you are not wounded. Somebody busted + your canteen, and the whiskey run down your leg and into your boot, and + you, like an idiot, thought it was your life blood ebbing away. Couldn't + you tell that it was whiskey by the smell?” I felt of myself, where I + thought I was wounded, and couldn't find any hole, and then I took off my + boot, and emptied the whisky out, and felt stronger, and finally I got up, + and the boys went away laughing at me, leaving the chaplain, who was kind + enough to tell me that of all the raw recruits that had ever come to the + regiment, he thought I was the biggest idiot of the lot, to let the boys + play that ancient breast-plate and canteen joke on me. I asked him if the + boys didn't all wear breast-plates, and he said “naw!” He told me that was + the only breast-plate in the whole Department of the Gulf, and it was kept + to play on recruits, and that I must keep it until a new recruit came that + was green enough to allow the boys to do him up. So I hid the breast-plate + under my bunk, and went to bed and tried to dream out some method of + getting even with my persecutors, while the chaplain went out, after + offering to hold himself in readiness, day or night, to come and pray for + me, if I was wounded in the canteen any more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Yearn for a Furlough—I Interview the General—I am + Detailed to Carry a Rail—I Make a Horse-trade With the + Chaplain—I am Put in Charge of a Funeral. +</pre> + <p> + I had now been fighting the battles of my country for two weeks, and felt + that I needed rest, and one day I became so homesick that it <i>did</i> + seem as though it would kill me. Including the week it had taken me to get + from home to my regiment, three weeks had elapsed since I bid good-bye to + my friends, and I wanted to go home. I would lay awake nights and think of + people at home and wonder what they were doing, and if they were laying + awake nights thinking of me, or caring whether I was alive, or buried in + the swamps of the South. It was about the time of year when at home we + always went off shooting, and I thought how much better it was to go off + shooting ducks and geese, and chickens, that could not shoot back, than to + be hunting bloodthirsty Confederates that were just as liable to hunt us, + and who could kill, with great ease. I thought of a pup I had at home that + was just the right age to train, and that he would be spoiled if he was + not trained that season. O, how I did want to train that pup. The news + that one of my comrades had been granted a furlough, after three years' + service, and that he was going home, made me desperate, and I dreamed that + I had waylaid and murdered the fortunate soldier, and gone home on his + furlough. The idea of getting a furlough was the one idea in my mind, and + the next morning as I took my horse to the veterinary surgeon for + treatment,{*} I had a talk with the horse doctor about the possibilities + of getting a furlough. I had known him before the war, when he kept a + livery stable, and as I owed him a small livery bill, I thought he would + give it to me straight. The horse doctor had his sleeves rolled up, and + was holding a horse's tongue in one hand while he poured some medicine + down the animal's throat out of a bottle with the other hand, which made + me sorry for the horse, as I remembered my experience at surgeon's call, + in drinking a dose of castor oil out of a bottle, and I was mean-enough to + be glad they played it on horses as well as the soldiers. The horse doctor + returned the horse's tongue to it's mouth, kicked the animal in the ribs, + turned and wiped his hands on a bale of hay, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, George, to get a furlough a man has got to have plenty of gall, + especially a man who has only been to the front a couple of weeks. There + is no use making an application in the regular way, to your captain, have + him endorse it and send it to regimental headquarters, and so on to + brigade headquarters, because you would never hear of it again. My idea + would be for you to go right to the general commanding the division, and + tell him you have got to go home. But you mustn't go crawling to him, and + whining. He is a quick-tempered man, and he hates a coward. Go to him and + talk familiar with him, and act as though you had always associated with + him, and slap him on the shoulder, and make yourself at home. Just make up + a good, plausible story, and give it to him, and if he seems irritated, + give him to understand that he can t frighten you, and just as likely as + not he will give you a furlough. I don't say he will, mind you, but it + would be just like him. But he does like to be treated familiar like, by + the boys.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * I neglected to say, in my account of the battle at the + race-track, that when firing with my revolver, at my friend + the rebel, I put one bullet-hole through the right ear of my + horse. I was so excited at the time that I did not know it, + and only discovered it a week later when currying off my + horse, which I made a practice of doing once a week, with a + piece of barrel-stave, when I noticed the horse's ear was + swelled up about as big as a canvas ham. I took him to the + horse doctor, who reduced the swelling so we could find the + hole through the horse's ear, and the horse doctor tied a + blue ribbon in the hole. He said the blue ribbon would help + heal the sore, but later I found that he had put the ribbon + in the ear to call attention to my poor marksmanship, and + the boys got so they made comments and laughed at me every + time I appeared with the horse. +</pre> + <p> + I thanked the horse doctor and went away with my horse, resolved to have a + furlough or know the reason why. The general's headquarters were about + half a mile from our camp, and after drill that morning I went to see him. + I had seen him several times, at the colonel's headquarters, and he always + seemed mad about something, and I had thought he was about the crossest + looking man I ever saw, but if there was any truth in what the horse + doctor had told me, he was easily reached if a man went at him right, and + I resolved that if pure, unadulterated cheek and monumental gall would + accomplish anything, I would have a furlough before night, for a + homesicker man never lived than I was. I went up to the general's tent and + a guard halted me and asked me what I wanted, and I said I wanted to see + “his nibs,” and I walked right by the guard, who seemed stunned by my + cheek. I saw the general in his tent, with his coat off, writing, and he + <i>did</i> look savage. Without taking off my hat, or saluting him, I went + right up to him and sat down on the end of a trunk that was in the tent, + and with a tremendous effort to look familiar, I said: + </p> + <p> + “Hello, Boss, writing to your girl?” + </p> + <p> + I have seen a good many men in my time who were pretty mad, but I have + never seen a man who appeared to be as mad as the general did. He was a + regular army officer, I found afterwards, and hated a volunteer as he did + poison. He turned red in the face and pale, and I thought he frothed at + the mouth, but may be he didn't. He seemed to try to control himself, and + said through his clenched teeth, in a sarcastic manner, I thought, in + imitation of a ring master in a circus: + </p> + <p> + “What will the little lady have next?” + </p> + <p> + I had been in circuses myself, and when the general said that I answered + the same as a clown always does, and I said: + </p> + <p> + “The banners, my lord.” + </p> + <p> + I thought he would be pleased at my joking with him, but he looked around + as though he was seeking a revolver or a saber with which to kill me + finnally he said: + </p> + <p> + “What do you want, man?” + </p> + <p> + It was a little tough to be called plain “man,” but I swallowed it. I made + up my mind it was time to act, so I stood up, put my hand on the shoulder + of the general familiarly, and said: + </p> + <p> + “The fact is, old man, I want a furlough to go home. I have got business + that demands my attention; I am sick of this inactivity in camp, and + besides the shooting season is just coming on at home, and I have got a + setter pup that will be spoiled if he is not trained this season. I came + down here two weeks ago, to help put down the rebellion; but all we have + done since I got here is to monkey around drilling and cleaning off + horses, while the officers play poker for red chips. Let me go home till + the poker season is over, and I will be back in time for the fall + fighting. What do you say, old apoplexy. Can I go?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/059.jpg" + alt="Never Did Know, How I Got out of the General's Tent 059 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I do not now, and never did know, how I got out of the general's tent, + whether he kicked me out, or threw his trunk at me, or whether there was + an explosion, but when I got outside there were two soldiers trying to + untangle me from the guy ropes of the general's tent, his wash basin and + pail of water were tipped over, and a cord that was strung outside with a + lot of uniforms, shirts, sabers, etc., had fallen down, and the general + was walking up and down his tent in an excited manner, calling me an + escaped lunatic, and telling the guards to tie me up by the thumbs, and + buck and gag me. They led me away, and from their conversation I concluded + I had committed an unpardonable offense, and would probably be hung, + though I couldn't see as I had done much more than the horse doctor told + me to. Finally the officer of the day came along and told the guards to + get a rail and make me carry it. So they got a rail and put it on my + shoulder, and I carried it up and down the camp, as a punishment for + insulting the general. I thought they picked out a pretty heavy rail, but + I carried it the best I could for an hour, when I threw it down and told + the guards I didn't enlist to carry rails. If the putting down of this + rebellion depended on carrying fence rails around the Southern + Confederacy, and I had to carry the rails, the aforesaid rebellion never + would be put down. I said I would fight if I had to, and be a hostler, and + cook my own food, and sleep on the ground, and try to earn my thirteen + dollars a month, but there must be a line drawn somewhere, and I drew it + at transporting fences around the sunny South. The guards were inclined to + laugh at my determination, but they said I could carry the rail or be tied + up by the thumbs; and I said they could go ahead, but if they hurt me I + would bring suit against the government. They were fixing to tie me up + when the colonel of my regiment rode up to see the general, and he got the + guards to let up on me till he could see the general. The general sent for + me after the colonel had talked with him, and they called me in and asked + me how I happened to be so fresh with the general; and I told them about + the horse doctors' advice as to how to get a furlough; and then they both + laughed, and said I owed the horse doctor one, and I must get even with + him. The colonel told the general who I was, that he had known me before + the war, and that I was all right only a little green, and that the boys + were having fun with me. The colonel told the general about my first fight + the first day of my service, and how I had, single-handed, put to flight a + large number of rebels, and the general got up and shook hands with me, + and said he forgave me for my impertinence, and gave me some advice about + letting the boys play it on me, and said I might go back to my company. He + was all smiles, and insisted on my taking a drink with himself and the + colonel. When I was about leaving his tent, I turned to him and said: + “Then I don't get any furlough?” “Not till the cruel war is over,” said + the general, with a laugh, and I went away. + </p> + <p> + The guards treated me like a gentleman when they saw me taking a drink + with the general, and I went back to my regiment, resolved not to go home, + and to get even with the horse doctor for causing me to make a fool of + myself. However, I was glad I visited the general, for, after getting + acquainted with him, he seemed a real nice man, and he kept a better + article of liquor than the chaplain. + </p> + <p> + For several days nothing occurred that was worthy of note, except that the + chaplain took a liking to my horse, and wanted to trade a mule for him. I + never did like a mule, and didn't really want to trade, but the chaplain + argued his case so eloquently that I was half persuaded. He said the horse + I rode, from its friskiness, and natural desire to “get there, Eli!” would + eventually get me killed, for if I ever got in sight of the enemy the + horse would rush to the front, and I couldn't hold him. He said he didn't + want to have me killed, and with the mule there would be no danger, as the + mule knew enough to keep away from a fight. The chaplain said he had + always rode a mule, because he thought the natural solemnity of a mule was + in better keeping with a pious man, but lately he had begun to go into + society some, in the town near where we were camped, and sometimes had to + preach to different regiments, so he thought he ought to have a horse that + put on a little more style, and as he knew I wanted an animal that would + keep as far from the foe as possible, and not lose its head and go chasing + around after rebels, and running me into danger, as my spiritual adviser + he would recommend the mule to me. He warranted the mule sound in every + particular, and as a mule was worth more than a horse he would trade with + me for ten dollars to boot. He said there was not another man in the + regiment he would trade with on such terms, but he had taken a liking to + me, and would part with his mule to me, though it broke his heart. At home + there was a sentiment against trading horses with a minister, as men who + did so always got beat, but I thought it would be an insult to the + chaplain to refuse to trade, when he seemed to be working for my + interests, to prevent me from being killed in a fight by the actions of my + horse, so I concluded to trade, though it seemed to me that if I couldn't + shoot off a horse without hitting its ears, I would fill a mule's ears + full of bullets. I spoke to the chaplain about that, and he said there was + no danger, because whenever fighting commenced the mule always wore his + ears lopped down below the line of fire. He said the mule had been trained + to that, and I would find him a great comfort in time of trial, and a + sympathizing companion always, one that I would become attached to. I told + him there was one thing I wanted to know, and that was if the mule would + kick. I had always been prejudiced against mules because they kicked. He + said he knew mules had been traduced, and that their reputations were not + good, but he believed this mule was as free from the habit of kicking as + any mule he had ever met. He said he would not deny that this mule could + kick, and in fact he had kicked a little, but he would warrant the mule + not to kick unless something unusual happened. He said I wouldn't want a + mule that had no individuality at all, one that hadn't sand enough to + protect itself. What I wanted, the chaplain said, was a mule that would + treat everybody right, but that would, if imposed upon, stand up for its + rights and kick. I told the chaplain that was about the kind of mule I + wanted, if I had any mule at all, and we traded. The chaplain rode off to + town on my horse, on a canter, as proud as a peacock, while I climbed on + to the solemn, lop-eared mule and went out to drill with my company. I do + not know what it was that went wrong with the mule while we were drilling, + but as we were wheeling in company front, the mule began to “assert his + individuality,” as the chaplain said he probably would, and he whirled + around sideways and kicked three soldiers off their horses; then he backed + up the other way and broke up the second platoon, kicked four horses in + the ribs, stampeded the company, and stood there alone kicking at the air. + The major rode down to where I was and began to swear at me, but I told + him I couldn't help it. He told me to dismount and lead the mule away, but + I couldn't dismount until the mule stopped kicking, and he seemed to be + wound up for all day. The major got too near and the mule kicked him on + the shin, and then started for the company again, which had got into + ranks, kicking all the way, and the company broke ranks and started for + camp, the mule following, kicking and braying all the way. I never was so + helpless in all my life. The more I spurred the mule, the more it kicked, + and if I stopped spurring it, it kicked worse. When we got to camp, I fell + off some way, and rushed into the chaplain's tent, and the mule kicked the + tent down, and some boys drove the mule away, and while I was fixing up + the tent the chaplain came back looking happy, and asked me how I liked + the mule. I never was a hypocrite, anyway, and I was mad, so I said: “Oh, + dam that mule!” + </p> + <p> + Of course it is wrong to use such language, especially in the presence of + a minister, but I couldn't help it. I could see it hurt the chaplain, for + he sighed and said he was sorry to hear such words from me, inasmuch as he + had just got me detailed as his clerk, where I would have a soft thing, + and no drilling or fighting. He said he had wanted a clerk, one who was a + good-hearted, true man, and he had picked me out, but if I used such + language, that settled it. He said he didn't expect to find a private + soldier that was as pious as he was, but he did think I would be the best + man he could find. I wanted a soft job, with no fighting, as bad as any + man ever did, and I told the chaplain that he need not fear as to my + swearing again, as it was foreign to my nature, but I told him if he had + been on the hurricane deck of a kicking mule for an hour, and seen + comrades fall one by one, and bite the dust, and be carried on with marks + of mule shoes all over their persons, he would swear, and I would bet on + it. So it was arranged that I was to be the chaplain's clerk, and I moved + my outfit over to his tent, and for the first time since I had been a + soldier, I was perfectly happy. There was no danger of being detached for + guard duty, police duty, drilling, or fighting, and the only boss I had + was the chaplain. The chaplain and myself sat that evening in his tent, + and ate sanitary stores, drank wine for sickess, and smoked pipes, and + didn't care whether school kept or not, and that night I slept on a cot, + and had the first good night's rest, and in the morning I awoke refreshed, + and with no fear of orderly sergeants, or anybody. I had a soft snap. + </p> + <p> + The next morning I asked the chaplain what my duties were to be, and he + said I was to take care of the tent, write letters for him, issue sanitary + stores to deserving soldiers who might need them, ride with him sometimes + when he went to town, or to preach, go to funerals with him occasionally, + set a good example to the other soldiers, and make myself generally + useful. He said I would have to attend to the burial of the colored people + who died, and any such little simple details. He went out and left me + pondering over my duties. I liked it all except the nigger funerals. I had + always been a Democrat, at home, and not very much mashed on our colored + brothers, and one thing that prevented me from enlisting before I did was + the idea of making the colored men free. I had nothing against a colored + man, and got to think a great deal of them afterwards, but the idea of + acting as an undertaker for the colored race never occurred to me. I made + up my mind to kick on that part of the duties, when the chaplain came in + and said the colored cook of one of the companies was dead, and would be + buried that afternoon, and as he had to go to a meeting of chaplains down + town, I would have to go and conduct the services, and I better prepare + myself with a little speech. I was in a fix. I told the chaplain that it + might not have occurred to him, but honestly, I couldn't pray. He said + that didn't make any difference. I told him I couldn't preach hardly at + all. He said I didn't need to. All I had to do was to go and find out + something about the life of the deceased, what kind of a man he was, and + say a few words at the grave complimentary of him, console the mourners, + if there were any, and counsel them to try to lead a different life, that + they might eventually enter into the glory of the New Jerusalem, or words + to that effect. Well, this made me perspire. This was a tighter place than + I was in when I met the rebel. The idea of my conducting the funeral + exercises of such a black-burying party, made me tired. The chaplain said + a good deal depended on how I got through this first case, as if I + succeeded well, it would be a great feather in my cap. His idea, he said, + was to try me first on a nigger, and if I was up to snuff, and carried + myself like a thoroughbred, there would be nothing too good for me in that + regiment. + </p> + <p> + I went to the orderly sergeant of the company where the man died, to get + some points as to his career, in order to work in a few remarks + appropriate to the occasion, and I said to the orderly: + </p> + <p> + “I understand your company cook has gone to that bourne from whence no + traveler returns. I thought that was pretty good for a green hand, for a + starter.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the orderly, as he looked solemn, “The old son-of-a-gun has + passed in his chips, and is now walking in green pastures, beside still + waters, but he will not drink any of the aforesaid still waters, if he can + steal any whisky to drink.” + </p> + <p> + “You astonish, me,” said I to the orderly. “The fact is, the chaplain has + sawed off on to me the duty of seeing to the burial of our deceased + friend, and I called to gather some few facts as to his characteristics as + a man and a brother. Can you tell me of anything that would interest those + who may attend?” + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't know,” said the orderly. “The deceased was a liar, a thief, + and a drunkard. He would steal anything that was not chained down. He + would murder a man for a dollar. He was the worst nigger that ever was. If + there was a medical college here that wanted bodies, it would be a waste + of money to bury him. But when he was sober he could bake beans for all + that was out, and there was no man that could boil corned mule so as to + take the taste of the saltpetre out, as he could.” + </p> + <p> + This was not a very good send off for my first funeral, but I clung to the + good qualities possessed by the late lamented. Though he might have been a + bad man, all was not lost if he could bake beans well, and boil the salt + horse or corned mule that soldiers had to eat, so they were appetizing. + Many truly good men of national reputation, could not have excelled him in + his chosen specialties, and I made a memorandum of that for future use. I + made further inquiries in the company, and found that the deceased had a + bad reputation, owed everybody, had five wives living that he had + deserted, and was suspected of having murdered two or three colored men + for their money. His death was caused by delirium tremens. He had stole a + jug of whisky from the major's tent, laid drunk a week, and when the + whisky was gone he had tremens, and had gone to the horse doctor for + something to quiet his nerves, and the horse doctor had given him a + condition powder to take, to be followed with a swallow of mustang + liniment, and the man died. + </p> + <p> + This was the information I got to use in my remarks at the grave of the + deceased, and I went back to my tent to think it over. I thought perhaps I + had better work in the horse doctor for mal-practice, in my discourse, and + thus get even with him for sending me to the general after a furlough. + While I was thinking over the things I would say, and trying to forget the + bad things about the man, the orderly sent word that the funeral cortege + was ready to proceed to the bone yard. I looked down the company street + and saw the remains being lifted into a cart, and I went out and put the + saddle on my mule, and with a mental prayer that the confounded mule + wouldn't get to kicking till the funeral was over, started to do the + honors at the grave of the late company cook. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Funeral of the Colored Cook—I Plead for a Larger + Procession—The Funeral Oration—The Funeral Disturbed—I am + Arrested—My Fortunate Escape. +</pre> + <p> + This last chapter of these celebrated war papers closed with me saddling + my mule to ride to the funeral of the colored cook, at which I was to act + as chaplain. The mule evidently knew that it was a solemn occasion, for + there was a mournful look on its otherwise placid face, the ears drooped + more than usual, and there seemed a sweet peace stealing over the animal, + which well became a funeral, until I began to buckle up the saddle, when + the long-eared brute began to paw and kick and bite, and it took six men + to get me into the saddle. I rode down the company street where the cart + stood with the remains, and a colored driver sitting on the foot of the + plain pine box, asleep. I woke the driver up with the point of my saber, + when another colored man came out of a tent with a shovel in one hand, and + a hardtack with a piece of bacon in the other. He climbed into the cart, + sat down on the coffin and began to eat his dinner. This was my funeral. + All that seemed necessary for a funeral was a corpse, a driver of a cart, + and a man with a shovel. I rode up to the orderly's tent and asked him + where the mourners were, and he laughed at me. The idea of mourners seemed + to be ridiculous. I had never, in all my life, seen so slim a funeral, and + it hurt me. In the meantime the nigger with the shovel had woke up the + driver of the cart, and he had followed me, with the remains. I told them + to halt the funeral right there, until I could skirmish around and pick up + mourners enough for a mess, and a choir, and some bearers. As I rode away + to the colonel's tent, the driver of the cart and the man with the shovel + were playing “mumbleypeg,” with a jack-knife, on the coffin, which shocked + me very much, as I was accustomed to living where more respect was paid to + the dead. I went to the colonel's tent and yelled “Say! The colonel, who + was changing his shirt, came to the door with his eyes full of soap, + rubbing his neck with a towel, and asked what was the row. I told him I + would like to have him detail me six bearers, seven or eight mourners, a + few singers, and fifteen or twenty men for a congregation. He asked me + what on earth I was talking about, and just then the cart with the corpse + in was driven up to where I was, the orderly having told the driver to + follow me with the late lamented. I pointed to the outfit, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Colonel, in that box lie the remains of a colored cook. The chaplain has + appointed me to conduct the funeral service, and I find that the two + colored men on the cart are the only ones to accompany the remains to + their last resting place. No man can successfully run a funeral on three + niggers, one of whom is dead, one liable to go to sleep any minute, and + the other with an abnormal appetite for hardtack. It is a disgrace to + civilization to give a dead man such a send off, and I want you to detail + me some men to see me through. I have loaded myself with some interesting + remarks befitting the occasion, and I do not want to fire them off into + space, with no audience except these two coons. Give me some mourners and + things, or I drop this funeral right where it is.” + </p> + <p> + While I was speaking the general rode up to visit with the colonel, with + his staff, and the colonel came out with his undershirt on, and his + suspenders hanging down, and he and the general consulted for a minute, + and laughed a little, which I thought was disgraceful. Then the colonel + sent for the sergeant-major and told, him to detail all the company cooks + and officer's servants, to attend the funeral with me, and he said I could + divide them off into reliefs, letting a few be mourners at a time. In the + meantime, he said, I could move my procession off down by the + horse-doctor's quarter's, as he did not want it in front of his tent. That + reminded me that the horse-doctor had prescribed for the deceased, and had + given him condition powders, and I asked the colonel to compel the + horse-doctor to go with me. It had always seemed to me at home that the + attending physician, under whose auspices the person died, should attend + the funeral of his patient, and when I told the colonel about it, he + called the horse-doctor and told him he would have to go. It took half an + hour or so to get the colored cooks and servants together, but when all + was ready to move, it was quite a respectable funeral, except that I could + not help noticing a spirit of levity on the part of the mourners. All the + followers were mounted, the officer's servant's on officer's horses, and + the cooks on mules, and it required all the presence of mind I possessed + to keep the coons from turning the sad occasion into a horse race, as they + would drop back, in squads, a quarter of a mile or so, and then come + whooping up to the cart containing the remains, and each vowing that his + horse could clean out the others. I rode in front of the remains with the + horse-doctor, and tried to conduct myself in as solemn a manner as + befitted the occasion, and tried to reason with the horse-doctor against + his unseemly jokes, which he was constantly getting on. He told several + stories, better calculated for a gathering where bacchanalian revelry was + the custom, and I told him that while I respected his calling, he must + respect mine. He said something about calling a man on a full hand, + against a flush, but I did not pretend to know what he meant. We had to go + out of town about two miles, to the cemetery. Unfortunately we were in the + watermelon growing section, and the horse-doctor called my attention to + the fact that my procession was becoming scarce, when I looked around, and + every blessed one of the cooks and servants, and the man with the shovel, + had gone on into the field after melons, and I stopped the cart and yelled + to them to come back to the funeral. Pretty soon they all rode back, each + with a melon under his arm, and every face looked as though there was no + funeral that could prevent a nigger from stealing a watermelon. After + several stops, to round up my mourners, from corn fields and horse racing, + we arrived at the cemetery, and while the grave was being dug the niggers + went for the melons, and if it had been a picnic there couldn't have been + much more enjoyment. The horse-doctor took out a big knife that he used to + bleed horses, and cut a melon, and offered me a slice, and while I did not + feel that it was just the place to indulge in melon, it looked so good + that I ate some, with a mental reservation, however. It was all a new + experience to me. I had never believed that in the presence of death, or + at a funeral, people could be anything but decorous and solemn. I had + never attended a funeral before, except where all present were friends of + the deceased, and sorry, but here all seemed different. They all seemed to + look upon the thing as a good joke. I had read that in New York and other + large cities, those who attended funerals had a horse race on the way + back, and stopped at beer saloons and filled up, but I never believed that + people could be so depraved. I tried to talk to the coons, and get them to + show proper respect for the occasion, but they laughed and threw melon + rinds at each other. Finnally the colonel and the general, with quite a + lot of soldiers, who were out reconnoitering, rode to where we were, and + the coons acted a little better, but I could see that the officers were + not particularly solemn. They seemed to expect something rich. They + evidently looked upon me as a star idiot, who would make some blunder, or + say something to make them laugh: I made up my mind that in my new + position I would act just as decorous, and speak as kindly as though the + deceased was the president. During all my life I had made it a practice + never to speak ill of any person on earth, and if I could not say a good + word for a person I would say nothing, a practice which I have kept up + until this writing, with much success, and I decided that the words spoken + on that occasion should not reflect against the poor man who had passed in + his checks, and laid down the burden of life. The grave was completed, and + with a couple of picket ropes the body was let down, and there was for a + moment a sort of solemnity. I arose, and as near as I can remember at this + late day, spoke about as follows: + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/077.jpg" alt="A Solemn Funeral Oration 077" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Friends: We have met here today to conduct the last rites over a man, who + but yesterday was among us but who, in an unguarded moment drank too much + whisky, and paid the penalty. (There was a smile perceptible on the faces + on the officers.) The ignorant man who died, did not know any better, but + I see around me men who know better, but who drink more than this man did, + and if they are not careful they will go the same way. (There was less + smiling among the officers.) It is said of this man that he was bad, that + he would steal. I have investigated, and have found that it is true, but + that his peculations consisted of small things, of little value, and I am + convinced that the habit was not worse with him than with any of us. In + war times, everybody steals. We are all thieves to a certain extent. The + soldier will not go hungry if he can jay-hawk anything to eat. The officer + will not go thirsty if he can capture whisky, nor will anybody walk if he + can steal a horse. The higher a man gets the more he will steal. Shall we + harbor unkind thoughts against this dead man for stealing a pair of boots, + and honor a general who steals a thousand bales of cotton? (No! no! + shouted the cooks and servants, while the officers looked as though they + were sorry they attended the funeral.) Friends let us look at the good + qualities of our friend. I say, without fear of successful contradiction, + that a man, however humble his station, who can bake beans as well as the + remains could bake them, is entitled to a warm place in the heart of every + soldier, and if he goes to the land that is fairer than this,-and who can + say that he will not,—he is liable to be welcomed with 'well done, + good and faithful servant,' and he will be received where horse doctors + can never enter with their condition powders, and where there will never + be war any more. To his family, or several families, as the case may be, I + would say——” + </p> + <p> + At this point I had noticed an uneasiness on the part of my mourners and + bearers, as well as the officers. Nine of the negroes fell down on the + ground and groaned as if in pain, and the general and his stall looked off + to a piece of woods where a few shots had been fired, and rode away + hurriedly, the colonel telling me I had better hurry up that funeral or it + was liable to be interrupted. The horse-doctor went to the negroes who + were sick, and after examining them he said they had been poisoned by + eating melons that had been doctored, and he advised them to get to town + as quick as possible. They scrambled on their horses the best way they + could, and just then there was a yell, and out of the woods came half a + dozen Union soldiers followed by fifteen or twenty Confederates, and all + was confusion. The niggers scattered towards town, the driver of the cart + taking the lead, trying to catch the general and his start, who were + hurrying away, leaving the horse-doctor, myself and the deceased. The + horse-doctor seized the shovel and threw a little dirt on the coffin, then + mounted his horse, I mounted my mule, and away we went towards town, with + the rebels gaining on us every jump. The horse-doctor soon left me, and + with a picket I had pulled off the fence of the cemetery, I worked my + passage on that mule. I mauled the mule, and the more I pounded the slower + it went. There was never a more deliberate mule in the world. I forgot all + the solemn thoughts that possessed me at the grave, and tried to talk to + the mule like a mule-driver, but the animal just fooled along, as though + there was no especial hurry. Occasionally I could hear bullets 'zipping' + along by me, and the rebels were yelling for all that was out. O, how I + did wish I had my old race horse that the chaplain had beat me out of. In + my first engagement my horse was too fast, and there was danger that I + would catch my friend, the rebel, and I complained of the horse. Now I had + a mule that was too slow. What I wanted was a 'middling' horse, one that + was not too confounded fast when after the enemy, and one not so all-fired + slow when being pursued. The Johnnies were coming closer, but we were only + half a mile from town. Would they chase us clear into town? At that + critical moment the blasted mule stopped short, never to go again, and + began to kick. What on earth possessed that fool mule to take a notion to + stop right there and kick, is more than I shall ever know, but it simply + kicked, and I felt that my time had come. The Union soldiers that were + being chased by the Confederates passed me, and told me I better light out + or I would be captured, but I couldn't get the mule to budge an inch. It + just kicked. The good Lord only knows, what that mule was kicking at, or + why it should have been scheduled to stop and kick at that particular + time, when every minute was precious. I saw the rebels very near me, and + as it was impossible to get the mule to go a step farther, I raised the + large, flat, white-washed picket which I had torn on the cemetery fence to + maul the mule with, in token of surrender, and the Confederate boys + surrounded me, though they kept a safe distance, after my mule had kicked + in the ribs of one of their horses. The rebs had gone about as far towards + the town as it was safe to go, and and they knew the whole garrison would + be out after them pretty soon, so they laughed at me for being armed with + a whitewashed picket, and asked me if I expected to put down the rebellion + by stabbing the enemy with such things. I told them I had been burying a + nigger. One of my captors run the point of his saber into my mule, to stop + its kicking, and then he said to his comrades, “Boys, we came out here + with the glorious prospect of capturing a Yankee general and his staff, + and instead of getting him, we have broken up a nigger funeral and + captured the gospel sharp, armed with a picket fence, and a kicking mule. + Shall we hang him for engaging in uncivilized, warfare, by stabbing us + with pickets poisoned with whitewash, or shall we take the red-headed + slim-jim back with us as a curiosity.” The boys all said not to hang me, + but to take me along. I saw that it was all day with me this time. I felt + that I was helping put down the rebellion rapidly, as I had been a soldier + four weeks, been captured twice, and not a drop of blood had been spilled. + The rebels started back, with me and my mule ahead of them, and they kept + the mule ahead by jabbing it with a saber occasionally. I felt humiliated + and indignant at being called slim-jim, sorrel-top, and elder. They seemed + to think I was a preacher. I stood it all until a cuss reached into my + pocket and took my meershaum pipe and a bag of tobacco, filled the pipe + and lit it, then I was mad. I had paid eight dollars of my bounty for that + pipe, and I said to the leader: “Boss, I can stand a joke as well as + anybody, but when you capture me, in a fair fight, you have no right to + jab my mule with a saber, or call me names. I am a meek and lowly soldier + of the army of the right, and want to so live that I can meet you all in + the great hereafter, but by the gods I can whip the condemned galoot that + stole my meershaum pipe. You think I am pious, and a non-combatant, but I + am a fighter from away back, and don't you forget it.” The young man who + seemed to be in command told me to dry up, and he would get my pipe. He + went and took it away from the one who had stolen it, filled it and lit it + himself, and said it was a good pipe, and then he passed it around among + them all. We moved on at a trot, and were getting far away from my + regiment, and I realized that I was a captive, and that I should probably + die in Andersonville prison. I looked at the dozen stalwart rebels that + were riding behind me, and knew I could not whip them all with one picket + off the cemetery fence, and so I resolved to remain a captive, and die for + my country, of scurvey, if necessary. I turned around in my saddle to ask + if it wasn t about time for me to have a smoke out of my own pipe, and as + I looked up the road we had come over I saw a large body of our own + cavalry, coming like the wind toward us. I said nothing, but my face gave + me away. I looked so tickled to see the boys coming that the rebels + noticed it, and they looked back and saw the soldiers in pursuit, they + yelled, “The Yanks are coming!” put spurs to their horses, stabbed my mule + and told me to pound it with the picket, and hurry up, and then they + passed me, and away they went, leaving me in the road alone between them + and my own soldiers, I yelled to the leader to give me back my pipe, and I + can hear his mocking laugh to this day, as he told me to “go to hell.” + This made me mad, and drawing my picket I dashed after the retreating + rebels, knowing that the men of my regiment would soon overtake me, and + they would think I had chased the rebels three miles from town, armed only + with a picket off the fence, and saved the garrison from capture. The + thing worked to perfection, and when our command came up, the horses + panting and perspiring, and the boys looking wild, the captain in command + asked me how many there was of em, and I told him about forty, and he said + I had done well to drive them so far, and he charged by me after them. I + yelled to the captain to try and kill that long-legged rebel on the sorrel + horse, and get my meershaum pipe, but he didn't hear me. I hurried along + as fast as I could, but before I caught up, there was a good deal of + firing, and when I got there flankers were out in the woods, and there was + sorrow, for three or four boys in blue had been killed in an ambush, and + the rebels had got away across a bayou. As I rode up on my mule, with the + picket still in my hand, I saw the three soldiers of my regiment lying + dead under a tree, two others were wounded and had bandages around their + heads, and for the first time since I had been a soldier, I realized that + war was not a picnic. I could not keep my eyes off the faces of my dead + comrades, the best and bravest boys in the regiment, boys who always got + to the front when there was a skirmish. To think that I had been riding + right amongst the rebels who had done this thing but a few minutes before, + and never thought that death would claim anybody so soon. I wondered if + those rebels were not sorry they had killed such good boys. I wondered, as + I thought of the fathers and mothers, and sisters of my dead companions, + whether the rebels would not sympathize with them, and then I thought + suppose our fellows had not been killed, and we had killed some of the + Confederates, wouldn't it have been just as sorrowful, wouldn't <i>their</i> + fathers, mothers and sisters have mourned the same. + </p> + <p> + Then I made a resolve that I would never kill anybody if I could help it; + I even decided that if I should meet the rebel that had my meershaum pipe, + I would not fight him to get it. If he wasn't gentleman enough to give it + up peaceably, he could keep it, and be darned. Just then some of our + skirmishers came in carrying another dead body, and we were all + speculating as to which one of our poor boys had fallen, when we noticed + that the dead soldier had on a gray suit, and it was soon found that he + was one of the Confederates. He was laid down beside our dead boys, and I + don't know but I felt about as bad to see him dead, as it was possible to + feel. It is true he had told me, half an hour before, when I asked him for + my pipe, to go to hades, but I did not have to go unless I wanted to. And + he was gone first. I saw something sticking out of the breast pocket of + the dead Confederate, and could see that it was my pipe. Then I thought of + the foolish remark I made to the captain, to kill that long-legged rebel + and get my meershaum. God bless him, I didn't want anybody to kill him for + a bad smelling old pipe, and I wondered if that remark would be registered + up against me, in the great book above, when I didn't mean it. I tried to + make myself believe that my remark did not have any influence on the man's + fate. He just took his chances with his comrades, and was killed, no + doubt, and yet it was impossible to get the idea off my mind that I was + responsible for his death. Anyway, I would never touch the confounded old + pipe again, and if I ever heard of his mother or sister, after the war was + over, I would stand by them as long as I had a nickel. An ambulance was + sent for and the dead and wounded were placed in it, and we went back to + town, a sad procession. There was no need to detail any mourners for this + occasion, and there was no straggling for watermelons. Everybody was full + of sorrow. The next day there was a Union funeral in that Southern town, + and the three Union boys were laid side by side, while a little, to one + side my Confederate was buried, receiving the same kind words from the + chaplains. As a volley was about to be fired over the graves, I picked a + handful of roses, buds and blossoms, from a rose bush in the cemetery, and + went to the grave of the Confederate and tenderly tossed them upon the + coffin. The horse doctor saw me do it, and in his rough manner said, + </p> + <p> + “What you about there? It ain t necessary to plant flowers on the graves + of rebels. + </p> + <p> + “O, no, it isn't necessary, I said, as the volley was fired over the + graves, but it will make his mother or his sister feel better to know that + there are a few roses in there, and it won't hurt anybody. I will just + play that I am the authorized agent of that Confederate soldier's sister. + </p> + <p> + “O, all right if you say so, said the horse-doctor, as he drew the sleeve + of his blue blouse across his eyes, which were wet. The last volley was + fired, and the soldiers returned to camp, leaving the dead of two armies + sleeping together. As I went in the chaplain's tent and sat down to think, + the chaplain handed me something, saying: + </p> + <p> + “Here's your pipe. They found it on that Confederate soldier that captured + you.” + </p> + <p> + I pushed it away and said, “I don't want it. I have quit smoking.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Capture “Jeff”—I Get Back at the Chaplain—The Chaplain + Arrested—Off on a Raid—I Meet the Relatives of the Dead + Confederate—My Powers of Lying are Brought into Play. +</pre> + <p> + The winding up of the last chapter of this history, with its sad + incidents, deaths and burials, was unavoidable, but it shall not occur + again. The true historian has got to get in all the particulars. I think I + never felt quite as downhearted as I did the day or two after the + skirmish, when our boys were killed. It had seemed as though there was no + danger of anybody getting hurt, as long as they looked out for themselves, + but now there was a feeling that anybody was liable to be killed, any + time, and why not me? Of course the old veterans of the regiment were the + ones who would naturally be expected to take the brunt of the battle, but + there was a habit of sending raw recruits into places of danger that + struck me as being mighty careless, as well as very bad judgment. Then + there were great preparations being made for an advance movement, or a + retreat, or something, and my mind was constantly occupied in trying to + find out whether it was to be an advance or a retreat. If it was an + advance, I wanted to arrange to be in the rear, and if it was a retreat, + it seemed to me as as though the proper place for a man who wanted to live + to go home, was in front. And yet what chance was there for a common + private soldier to find out whether it was an advance or a retreat. + Finally I decided that when the regiment <i>did</i> start out, I would + manage to be about the middle, so it wouldn't make much difference which + way we went. When that idea occurred to me I pondered over it a good deal + and told the chaplain, and he said it was a piece of as brilliant strategy + as he had ever heard of, and he was willing to adopt it, only being a + staff officer it was necessary for him and me to ride with the colonel, + and the colonel most always rode at the head, though his place was about + the middle. He said he would speak to the colonel about it. It made my + hair stand to see the preparations that were being made for carnage. + Ammunition enough was issued to kill a million men, and the doctors were + packing bandages and plasters, and physic, and splints and probes, until + it made me sick to look at them. When I thought of actual war, my mind + reverted to my mule, the kicking brute that was no good, and I decided to + get a horse. I had got so, actually, that I could hear bullets whistle + without turning pale and having cold chills run over me, and it seemed as + though a horse was none too good for me, so I went to the colonel and told + him that a soldier couldn't make no show on a kicking mule and I wanted a + horse. I told him I supposed, as chaplain's clerk. I should have to ride + with him and his staff on the march, and he didn't want to see as nice a + looking fellow as I was riding a kicking mule that would kick the ribs of + the officers horses, and break the officers legs. The colonel said he had + not thought of that contingency. He had enjoyed seeing me ride the mule, + because I was so patient when the mule kicked. He said they used that mule + in the regiment to teach recruits to ride. A man who could stay on that + mule could ride any horse in the regiment, and as I had been successful, + and had displayed splendid mulemanship, I should be promoted to ride a + horse, and he told the quartermaster to exchange with me and give me the + chestnut-sorrel horse that the Confederate was shot off of. I went with + the quartermaster to the corral, turned out my mule, and cornered the + beautiful horse that had been rode so proudly a few days before by my + friend, the rebel. It took six of us to catch the horse, and bridle and + saddle him, and the men about the corral said the horse was no good. He + hadn't eaten anything since being captured, and his eyes looked bad, and + he wanted to kick and bite everybody. I told them the poor horse was + homesick, that was all that ailed him. The horse was a Confederate at + heart, and he naturally had no particular love for Yankees. I remembered + that once or twice when I was riding with the rebels, after they captured + me, the young fellow on this horse patted him on the neck and called him + “Jeff”, so I knew that was his name, so I led him out of the corral away + from the other fellows, where there was some grass growing, and made up my + mind I would “mash” him. After he had eaten grass a little while, looking + at me out of the corner of his eyes as though he didn't know whether to + kick my head on, or walk on me, as I sat under a tree, I got up and patted + him on the neck and said, “Well, Jeff, old boy, how does the grass fit + your stomach?” + </p> + <p> + You may talk about brute intelligence, but that horse was human. He + stopped eating, with his mouth full of grass, looked astonished at being + addressed by a stranger without an introduction, and turned a pair of eyes + as beautiful and soft as a woman's upon me, and then began to chew slowly, + as though thinking. I rubbed his sleek coat with, my bare hands, and did + not say much, desiring to have Jeff make the first advances. He looked me + over, and finally put his nose on my sleeve, and rubbed me, and looked in + my face, and acted as though he would say, “Well, of course this + red-headed fellow is no comparison to my dead master, but evidently he's + no slouch, and if I have got to be bossed around by a Yankee, as he is the + only one that has spoken a kind word to me since I was captured, and he + seems to know my name, I guess I will tie to him,” and the intelligent + animal rubbed his nose all over me, and licked my hand. I rubbed the horse + all over, petted him, took up his feet and looked at them, and spoke his + name, and pretty soon we were the best of friends. I mounted him and rode + around and it was just like a rocking chair. That poor, dead Confederate + had probably rode Jeff since he was a kid and Jeff was a colt, and had + broken him well, and I was awfully sorry that the original owner was not + alive, riding his horse home safe and sound, to be greeted by his family + with loving embraces. But he was dead and buried, and his horse belonged + to me, by all the laws of war. And yet I had not become a hardened warrior + to such an extent that I could forget the hearts that would ache at his + home, and I made up mind that horse would be treated as tenderly as though + he was one of my family. I rode Jeff around for an hour or two, found that + he was trained to jump fences, stand on his hind feet, trot, pace, rack, + and that he could run like a scared wolf, and everything the horse did he + would sort of look around at me with one eye as much as to say, “Boss, you + will find I have got all the modern improvements, and you needn't be + afraid that I will disgrace you in any society.” I was fairly in love with + my new horse, and, except for a feeling that I was an interloper with the + horse, and sorry for the poor boy that had been shot off him, I should + have been perfectly happy. + </p> + <p> + The chaplain had got in the habit of wearing a nice, blue broadcloth + blouse which I had brought from home, which had two rows of brass buttons + on it. I had paid about twenty dollars of my bounty for the blouse, and + had found that the private soldiers did not wear such elaborate uniforms + in active duty, so I kept it in the chaplain's tent. I thought if I was + killed and my body was sent home, the blouse would come handy. The + chaplain wore it occasionally, and he said any time I wanted to wear any + of his clothes to just help myself. An order had been issued to move the + following day, with ten days' rations, and some of the boys asked for + passes to go down town and have a little blow-out before we started. They + wanted me to go along, and so I got a pass, too. We were to go down town + in the afternoon and stay till nine o clock at night, when we had to be in + camp. I saddled up Jeff and looked for my blouse, but it was gone, the + chaplain having worn it to visit the chaplain of some other regiment, so I + took his coat and put it on, as he had told me to. The coat had the + chaplain's shoulder-straps on, but I thought there would be no harm in + wearing it, so about a dozen of us privates started for town to have a + good time, and I with chaplain's-straps on. It was customary, when + soldiers went to town on a pass, to partake of intoxicating beverages more + or less, as that was about the only form of enjoyment, and I blush now, + twenty-two years afterward, to write the fact that we all got pretty full. + It seemed so like home to be able to go into a saloon and drink beer, good + old northern beer, and who knew but tomorrow we would be killed. So we + ate, drank, and were merry. One of the boys said when the officers got on + a tear, they would ride right into billiard saloons, and sometime shoot at + decanters of red liquor behind the bar, and he said a private was just as + good as an officer any day, and suggested that we mount our horses and + paint the town. We mounted, and rode about town, racing up and down the + streets, and finally we came to a billiard saloon, and half a dozen of us + rode right in, took cues out of the rack, and tried to play billiards on + horse-back. It was a grand picnic then, though it seems foolish now. My + horse Jeff would do anything I asked him, and when I rode up to the bar + and told him to rear up, he put both fore feet on the bar, and looked at + the bartender as much as to say, “set up the best you have got.” + </p> + <p> + The chaplain's shoulder-straps gave the crowd a sort of confidence that + everything was all right, and after exhibiting in a saloon for a time, + there was something said about horse-racing, and I said my horse could + beat anything on four legs, so we adjourned to the outskirts of town for a + race, followed by half the people in town. We had a horse-race, and Jeff + beat them all, and wherever I went the crowd would cheer the chaplain. + They said they liked to see a man in that position who could unbend + himself and mix up with the boys. There never was a chaplain more popular + than the “Wisconsin preacher” was. It did not occur to me that I was + placing the chaplain in an unfavorable position before the public, by + wearing his coat. <i>Nothing</i> occurred to me, that day, except that we + were having a high old time. Finally, after dark, one of our boys got into + a row with a loafer in a saloon, and picked the loafer up and tossed him + through the window, to the sidewalk. This was very wrong, but it couldn't + be helped. There was a great noise, cries for the provost guard, and we + knew that the only way to get out of the scrape honorably, would be to get + out real quick, so we mounted and rode to our camp. My horse was the + fastest and I got home first, unsaddled my horse and went to the tent, + took off the chaplain's coat and hung it up carefully, and was at work + writing a letter, and thinking how my horse acted as though he had been on + sprees before, he enjoyed it so, when I heard a noise outside, and it was + evident that the provost guard had followed us to camp, and were making + complaint to the colonel about our conduct down town. Finally the guard + went away, and shortly the colonel and the adjutant called at our tent and + inquired for the chaplain. I told them the chaplain had been away most of + the day, and had not returned. The colonel and the adjutant winked at each + other, and asked me if he wasn t away a good deal. I told them that he was + away some. They asked me if I never noticed that his breath had a peculiar + smell. I told them that it was occasionally a little loud. They went away + thoughtfully. Now that I think of it I ought to have explained that the + peculiarity of the chaplain's breath was caused from eating pickled onions + of the sanitary stores, but it did not occur to me at the time. After a + while the chaplain came back, asked me if anybody had died during the day, + took a drink of blackberry brandy for what ailed him, and we retired. The + next morning there was a circus. The little town boasted, a daily paper, + and it contained the following: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The community is prepared to overlook an occasional scene + of hilarity among the Federal soldiers stationed in this + vicinity, but when a gang of roysterers is led by a + chaplain, as was the case yesterday, all right-minded people + will be indignant. It is said by our informant that the + chaplain of a certain cavalry regiment was the liveliest one + of the crowd, that he rode into a billiard room, caused his + horse to place its forefeet on the bar, and that he played a + better game of billiards on horseback than many worldly men + can play on foot. It is the duty of the commanding officer + to discipline his chaplain. The chaplain also beat the boys + several horse races while in town, and they say he is a + perfect horseman, and has one of the finest horses ever + seen here, which he probably stole.” + </pre> + <p> + I had a boy bring me a paper every morning, and I read the article before + the chaplain awoke, and destroyed the paper. Early the next morning the + colonel sent for the chaplain, placed him under arrest, and the good man + came back to the tent feeling pretty bad. I asked him what was wrong, and + he said he was under arrest for conduct unbecoming an officer and a + gentleman. He said charges were preferred against him for drunkenness and + disorderly conduct, horse-racing, playing billiards on horse-back, riding + his horse into a saloon and trying to jump him over the bar, and lots of + things too numerous to mention. I felt sorry for him, and told him I had + been fearful all along that he would get into trouble by going away from + me so much, and associating with the chaplains of the other regiments, but + I had never supposed it would come to this. + </p> + <p> + “Wine is a mocker,” said I, becoming warmed up, “and none of us can afford + to tamper with it. With me, it does not make so much difference, as I have + no reputation but that which is already lost, but you, my dear sir, think + of your position. Go to the colonel and confess all, and ask him to + forgive you,” and I wiped my eyes on my coat sleeve. + </p> + <p> + “But I was not drunk,” said the chaplain, indignantly. “I was not in a + saloon, and never saw a game of billiards in my life. I was over to the + New Jersey regiment, talking with their chaplain about getting up a + revival, among the soldiers,” and the good man groaned as he said, “it is + a case of mistaken identity.” + </p> + <p> + “Bully, elder,” said I. “If you can make the court-martial believe you, + you will be all right, and you will not be cashiered. But it looks dark, + very dark, for you. May heaven help you.” + </p> + <p> + The chaplain was worried all the morning, and the officers and men joked + him unmercifully. At noon the chaplain was released from arrest, as we + were to move at four p. m., and he begged so to be allowed to accompany + the regiment. The colonel told him he could be tried when we got back, and + he was happy. There was a great commotion as the regiment broke up its + camp and got ready to move. There was the usual crowd of negresses who had + been doing washing for the soldiers, to be paid on pay day, and we were + going away, no one knew where, and no one knew when we would meet pay day. + There were saloon-keepers with bills against officers, and standing-off + creditors was just about as hard in the army as at home. I couldn't see + much difference. But finally everything was ready, the ammunition wagons, + wagon train of stores, and a battery of little guns, about three pounders, + had been added. I didn't like the battery. It seemed to me hard enough to + kill our fellow citizens with revolver balls, without shooting them with + cannon. At 4 p.m. the bugle sounded “forward,” and with the clanking of + sabers, rattling of hoofs and wagons, we marched outside the picket line, + past the cemetery where my deceased friends were buried, and were going + towards the enemy. The chaplain and myself were riding behind the colonel, + when the colonel asked the good man to ride up to a log that was beside + the road, and make his horse put his forefeet upon it, as he did on the + bar in the saloon. I felt sorry for the chaplain, and I rode up to the + log, and had Jeff put his feet up on it. Then I rode back and saluted the + colonel and told him it was I who had done the wicked things the chaplain + was accused of, and I told him how the chaplain was using my coat, so I + put on his, with the shoulder straps on, and all about it. He laughed at + first and then said, “Then you are under arrest. You may dismount and walk + and lead your horse until further orders.” I dismounted, like a little + man, and for five miles I walked, keeping up with the regiment. Finally + the colonel sung out, “gallop, march,” and I got on my horse. I reasoned + that the order to gallop was “further orders,” and that as he knew I + couldn't very well gallop on foot he must have meant for me to get on. We + galloped for about ten miles, and were ordered to halt, when I dismounted + and led my horse up to the colonel, and saluted him. “Well, you must have + had a hard time keeping up with us on foot,” said he. I told him it rested + me to go on foot. We were just going into camp for the night, and the + colonel said, “Well, as you are rested so much from your walk, you may go + out with the foraging party and get some feed for your horse and the + chaplain's.” I was willing to do anything for a quiet life, so I fell in + with a party of about forty, under a lieutenant, and we rode off into the + country to steal forage from a plantation, keeping a sharp lookout for + Confederates who might object. I guess we rode away from camp two or three + miles, when we came to a magnificent plantation house, and outhouses, + negro quarters, etc. The house was on a hill, in a grove of live oaks, and + had immense white pillars, or columns in front. As we rode up to the + plantation the boys scattered all over the premises. This was the first + foraging expedition I had ever been with, and I thought all we went for + was to get forage for our horses, so I went to a shock of corn fodder and + took all that I could strap on my saddle, and was ready to go, when I + passed a smoke house and found some of the boys taking smoked hams and + sides of bacon. I asked one of the boys if they had permission to take + hams and things, and he laughed and said, “everything goes,” and he handed + me a ham which I hung on to my saddle. Then the lieutenant told me to go + up in front of the house and stand guard, and prevent any soldier from + entering the house. I rode up to the house, where there was an old lady + and a young married woman with a little girl by her side. They were + evidently much annoyed and frightened, though too proud to show it, and I + told them they need have no fear, as the men were only after a little + forage for their horses. The old lady looked at the ham on my saddle and + asked me if the horses eat meat, and I said, “No, but sometimes the men + eat horses.” I thought that was funny. The young woman was beautiful, and + the child was perfectly enchanting. They were on the opposite side of the + railing from me, and my horse kept working up towards them, rubbing his + nose on the pickets, and finally his nose touched the clasped hands of the + mother and child. The little girl laughed and patted the horse on the + nose, while the mother drew back. It was almost dark and the horse was + almost covered with corn fodder, but the little girl screamed and said: + </p> + <p> + “Mamma, that is Jeff, papa's horse!” + </p> + <p> + The mamma looked at me with a wild, hunted look, then at the horse, rushed + down the steps and threw her arms around the neck of the horse and sobbed + in a despairing manner: + </p> + <p> + “O, where is my husband? Where is he? Is he dead? + </p> + <p> + “My son, my son!” cried the old lady. + </p> + <p> + “Bring me my papa, you bad man!” said the little child, and I was + surrounded by the three. + </p> + <p> + Gentle reader, I have been through many scenes in my life, and have been + many times where it was not the toss of a copper whether death or life was + my portion, and I had some nerve to help me through, but I never was in a + place that tried me like that one. I had been captured by the father of + this little child, the husband of this beautiful, proud woman, the son of + this charming old lady. I had seen him brought in, dead, had seen him + buried, and had thrown a bunch of roses in his grave. Now I was surrounded + by these mourners, mourners when they should know the worst. Cold chills + run all over me, and cold perspiration was on my brow. + </p> + <p> + “Is he dead?” they all shouted together. + </p> + <p> + I hate a liar, on general principles, and yet there are times when a lie + is so much easier to tell than truth. I did not want to be a murderer, and + I knew, by the dreadful light in the eyes of that lovely wife, as she + looked up at me from the neck of the horse, her face as white as snow, + that if I told the truth she would fall dead right where she was. If I + told the truth that blessed old lady's heart would be broken, and that + little child's face would not have any more smiles, during the war, for + mamma and grandma, and, with a hoarse voice, and choking, and trying to + swallow something that seemed as big as a baseball in my throat, I + deliberately lied to them. I told them the young man who rode this horse + had been captured, after a gallant fight, unharmed, and sent north. That + he was so brave that our boys fell in love with him, and there was nothing + too good for him in our army, and that he would be well taken care of, and + exchanged soon, I had no doubt, and bade them not to worry, but to look at + the discomforts and annoyances of war as leniently as possible, and all + would be well soon. + </p> + <p> + “Thank heaven! Take all we have got in welcome,” said the old lady, as a + heavenly smile came over her face. “My boy is safe.” + </p> + <p> + “O, thank you, sir,” said the little mother, as a lovely smile chased a + dimple all around her mouth, and corraled it in her left cheek, while a + pair of navy-blue eyes looked up at me as though she would hug me if I was + not a Yankee, eyes that I have seen a thousand times since, in dreams, + often with tears in them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/103.jpg" alt="You Are a Darling Good Man 103 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “You are a darling good man,” said the little girl, dancing on the gravel + path. The mother blushed and said, + </p> + <p> + “Why, Maudie, don't be so rude;” and there was a shout: + </p> + <p> + “Fall in!” + </p> + <p> + The lieutenant rode up to me and asked, as he noticed the glad smiles on + the faces of the ladies, if this was a family reunion, and, apologizing + for being compelled to raid the plantation, we rode away. I was afraid + they would mention the news I had brought them, and the lieutenant would + tell the truth, so I was glad to move. I was glad to go, for if I had + remained longer I would have cried like a baby, and given them back the + horse, and walked to camp. As we moved away, I took out my knife and cut + the string that held the smoked ham on my saddle, and had the satisfaction + of hearing it drop on the path before the house. I could not give back the + husband of the blue-eyed woman, the son of the saintly Southern mother, + the father of the sweet child, but I <i>could</i> leave that ham. As we + rode back to camp that beautiful moonlight night, I did not join in the + singing of the boys, or the jokes. I just thought of that happy home I had + left, and how it would be stricken, later, when the news was brought them, + and wondered if that fearful lie I had been telling, them was justifiable, + under the circumstances, and it it would be laid up against me, charged up + in the book above. That night I slept on the ground on some corn fodder + and dreamed of nothing but blue-eyed mamma's and golden-haired Maudie's + and white-haired angel grandmothers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Boots and Saddles”—“I am the Colonel's Orderly”—Riding + Fifty Miles on an Empty Stomach—The Chaplain Appears—I am + Wounded by a Locomotive and a Piece of Coal—I Nearly Kill + an Old Man. +</pre> + <p> + When our foraging party got back to camp, and I unloaded the corn fodder + from my horse, I was about as disgusted with war as a man could be. The + faces of those people I had met at the plantation rose up before me, and I + could imagine how they would look when they heard that the Confederate + soldier who was their all, was dead. I hoped that they would never hear of + it. While I was thinking the matter over, and grooming my horse, the + chaplain came along and took nearly all the fodder I had brought in, and + fed it to his horse, and asked me where the chickens and hams, and sweet + potatoes were. I told him I didn't get any. Then he spoke very plainly to + me, plainer than he had ever spoken before, and told me that fodder for + horses was not all that soldiers got when they went out foraging. He said + I wanted to snatch anything that was lying around loose, that could be + eaten. I asked him if the government did not furnish rations enough for + him to live comfortably, in addition to the sanitary stores. He said + sometimes he yearned for chicken. Then I told him his salary was + sufficient to buy such luxuries. He was hot, and talked back to me, and + told me he didn't propose to be lectured by no red-headed private as to + his duties, or his conduct, and he wanted me to understand that I was + expected to forage for him as well as myself, and not to let another + soldier come into camp with a better assortment of the luxuries afforded + by the country, than I did. He said that he picked me out as a man that + would fill the bill, and do his duty. I told him if he had selected me + from all the men in the regiment as being the most expert sneak thief, he + had made a mistake, and I would be teetotally d——d if I would + go through the country stealing hens and chickens for any chaplain that + ever lived, and he could put that in his pipe and smoke it. It was pretty + sassy talk for a private soldier to indulge in towards a chaplain, but I + was so disgusted to hear a man who should discountenance anything + unsoldierly, talk so flippantly about taking from the women and children + of the country what little they had to live on, because we had the power, + their men folks being away in the army, that I got on my ear, as it were. + I told him that I was not much mashed on war, and hoped I would never have + to fire a gun at a human being, but now that I was into the business, I + would fight if I had to, or do any duty of a soldier, but I would be + cussed if I would rob henroosts, and he didn't weigh enough to compel me + to. Then he said I could go back to my company, as he didn't want a man + around him that hadn't sand enough to do his duty. I asked him if I hadn't + better wait till after supper, it being after dark, but he said I could go + right away, and he would have another man detailed to take my place. I was + discharged, because I struck against stealing hens. I saddled my horse, + took my share of the fodder, and started for my company to return to duty + as a soldier. On the way to my company I saw a half a dozen soldiers, + covered with mud, and their horses covered with foam, ride up to the + colonel's tent, and I stopped to see what was the matter. A sergeant gave + the colonel a dispatch, which he tore open, read it, looked excited, and + then he turned to 'me and said, “Ride to every commanding officer of a + company and say with my compliments, that 'Boots and Saddles' will be + sounded in ten minutes, and every man must be in line, mounted, within + five minutes after the call is sounded, then come back here.” Well, I was + about as excited as the colonel, and I rode to every captain's tent and + gave the command. Some of the captains, who were just sitting down to + supper, asked, “What you giving us,” thinking it was some foolishness on + my part. One captain said if I came around with any more such orders he + would run a saber through me and turn it around a few times; another said + to his lieutenant, “That is the chaplains idiot, that the boys play jokes + on; some corporal has probably told him to carry that message.” + </p> + <p> + I got all around the companies, and went back to the colonel, and told him + that I had delivered his invitation, but the most of the captains sent + regrets in one way and another, and one was going to jab me with a saber. + He called the bugler, and told him to blow “Boots and Saddles,” and in + five minutes to sound, “To Horse;” then he turned to me and said, “You + will be my orderly tonight, and you will have the liveliest ride you ever + experienced. Buckle up your saddle girth and lead my horse out here.” I + told the colonel I should have to buckle up my own belt a few holes, as I + hadn't had any supper, when he told his servant to bring me out what was + left of his supper, which he did, one small hard tack. I eat pretty + hearty, and let my horse fill himself all he could on corn stalks, and in + a short time the bugle calls were echoing through the woods, men were + saddling up and mounting, and picking up camp utensils in the dark, and + swearing some at being ordered out in that unceremonious manner when they + had got all ready to have a night's rest. There was not near as much + swearing as I had supposed there would be, but there was enough. The + chaplain came rushing up to where I was with his coat off, and asked me + what was the matter, and the colonel having gone to the major's tent, I + answered him that we were going to have the liveliest ride he ever + experienced, and not to forget it, and that probably before morning we + would have the biggest fight of the season. + </p> + <p> + “Come and help me catch my horse,” said the chaplain, “I turned him loose + so he could roll over, and he has stampeded.” + </p> + <p> + “Go catch your own horse,” said I with lofty dignity, “and steal your own + chickens. I am serving on the start of the commanding officer, sir. I am + the colonel's orderly.” + </p> + <p> + I thought that would break the chaplain all up, but it didn't. “The devil + you say,” remarked the chaplain, as he went off in the darkness, whistling + for his horse. Gentle reader, did you ever ride on horseback fifty miles + in one night, on an empty stomach, after having ridden thirty miles during + the day? If you never have accomplished such a feat, you don't know + anything about suffering. O, to this day I can feel my stomach freeze + itself to my backbone. We started soon after orders were given on a + gallop, and if we walked our horses a minute during the whole night, I did + not know it. We marched by “fours,” but I had the whole road to myself, as + I rode behind the colonel. I wanted to know where we were going and what + for, and once, when the colonel fell back to where I was, while he was + taking a drink out of a canteen, I said, “This is a little sudden, ain't + it?” My idea was to draw him out, and get him to tell me all about the + destination of the expedition, and its object. The colonel got through + drinking, and as he knocked the cork into the canteen, he said, “Yes, this + <i>is</i> a little spry.” That was all he said, and evidently he wanted me + to draw my own inference, which I did. Pretty soon the orderly sergeant of + the company that was on the advance, directly behind the colonel, rode up + to me and asked me if I had any idea where we were going. He said he had + seen me talking with the colonel, and thought maybe he had told me the + programme. He added that he thought it was a shame that men couldn't be + allowed a little rest. I told him that I had just been talking with the + colonel about it, but I had no authority to communicate what he said. + However, I would assure the orderly that we were going to have the + liveliest ride he ever experienced. I knew I was safe in saying that, and + the orderly remarked that he had about come to that conclusion himself, + and he left me. I had never expected to rise, on pure merit, to that proud + position of colonel's orderly, and I made up my mind if that night's ride + did not founder me, or drive my spine up into the top of my hat, or glue + the two sides of my empty stomach together, so they would never come + apart, that I would try to conduct myself so that the commanding officers + would all cry for me and want me on their starts. I argued, to myself, as + we rode along, that the position of colonel's orderly could not be so very + unsafe, as it did not stand to reason that a colonel would go into any + place that was particularly dangerous, as long as he could send other + officers. I knew that colonels in action should ride behind their + regiments, and wondered if this colonel knew his place, or would he be + fool enough to go right ahead of his men? I was going to speak to him + about it, if we ever stopped galloping long enough, but everything was + jarred out of my head. + </p> + <p> + A fellow can think of a good many things, riding on a gallop at night, and + I guess I thought of about everything that night. There were few + interruptions of the march. There were about four stops, two being caused + by horses falling down and being run over by those behind them, and two by + carbines going off accidentally. One man was dismounted and run over by + half the horses in the regiment, and when he was pulled out from under the + horses he asked for a chew of tobacco, and saying he was marked for life + by horse shoes, he kicked his horse in the ribs for falling down, climbed + on and said the procession might move on. He was all cut to pieces by + horse's hoofs, but he was full of fight the next morning. Another soldier + had his big toe shot off by the accidental discharge of a carbine, and + when the regiment stopped, and the colonel asked him if he wanted to stop + there and wait for an ambulance to overtake him, he said, not if there is + going to be a fight. I don't use a big toe much, anyway, and if there is a + fight ahead, I want to be there, if I haven't got a toe left on my feet. + The colonel smiled and said, all right, boy. I never saw fellows who were + so anxious to fight, and I wondered how much money it would take to induce + me to go into a fight when I was crippled up enough to be excused. Along + toward morning everybody felt that we were so far into the enemy's lines + that there must be some object in the long ride, and the probabilities of + a fight seemed to be settled in every man's mind. Up hill and down we + galloped, until it seemed to me I should fall off my horse and die. About + half an hour before daylight the command was halted, and the officers of + each company were sent for, and they surrounded the colonel, separated + from the men, and he said: “There is a town ahead, about four miles, + garrisoned by confederate troops. We are to charge it at daylight, drive + the enemy out the other side of town, kill as many as possible, and when + they go out they will be attacked by another Union regiment that has been + sent around to the rear. There is a railroad there, and a bridge across a + river, Confederate stores of ammunition, provisions, cotton, etc. The + stores are to be burned, the railroad bridge destroyed, the track torn up, + engines, if there are any, are to be ditched, and everything destroyed + except private residences. You understand?” The officers said they did, + and they went back to their companies and ordered the men to get a bite to + eat. When the officers had gone I was pretty scared, and I said, “Colonel, + suppose the rebels do not get out of that town.” The colonel was chewing a + hard-tack when he answered. Daylight was just streaking up from the East, + and he held a piece of the hard-tack up to the light to pick a worm out of + it, after which he answered: “If they don't get out, we will, those of us + who are not killed. I always like to eat hard-tack in the dark, then I + can't see the worms.” To say that I was reassured would be untrue. I + admired a man who could mingle business with pleasure, as he did when + talking of possible death and worms in hard-tack, but death was never an + interesting subject to me. I wanted to talk with the colonel more, and + asked him if colonels often get killed, and if an orderly was exactly safe + in his immediate vicinity, but he leaned against a tree and went to sleep, + and I stood near, as wide awake as any man ever was. I wondered whose idea + it was to send us fifty miles into the Confederacy to destroy provisions + and railroads. + </p> + <p> + Did they suppose the Confederates didn't want anything to eat. I thought + it was a mean man or government that would burn up good wholesome + provisions because they couldn't eat them themselves. And who owned this + railroad that was going to be torn up? Why burn a bridge that probably + cost several hundred thousand dollars. As I was thinking these things over + and finding fault with the persons responsible for such foolishness, the + chaplain, who had not showed up during the night, came up to where I was, + without any hat, leading his horse, which was lame. The first thing he + asked me how I would trade horses. They all wanted my Jen, but he was not + in the market. The chaplain said he had caught up with the regiment about + midnight, and had rode at the rear, with the horse-doctor. He said this + expedition was foolish, and had no object except to try the endurance of + the horses and men. I told him that we were going to have a fight in less + than an hour, and burn a town, and probably we would all be killed. The + chaplain turned pale and looked faint. + </p> + <p> + I had read about hell, and seen pictures of it, from the imagination of + some eminent artist, but the hell I had read of, and seen pictured, was + not a marker to the experience of the next three hours. In a few minutes + the colonel woke up, and the regiment mounted and moved on. An advance + guard was put further out than before, with orders to charge the rebel + picket almost into town, and then hold up for the rest of us. As we neared + the town it was just light enough to see. The advance captured the picket + post without a shot being fired, and moved right into town, followed by + the regiment, and we actually rode right into the camp of the boys in + gray, and woke them up by firing. They scattered, coatless and shoeless, + firing as they ran, and in five minutes they were all captured, killed, + gone out of town, or were in hiding in the buildings. Then began the + conflagration. Immense buildings, filled with goods, or bales of cotton, + were fired, and soon the black smoke and falling walls made a scene that + was enough to set a recruit crazy. A train came in just as the fire was at + its greatest, and a squad of men was sent to burn it, and the colonel told + me to go and capture the engineer and bring him to the headquarters. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/113.jpg" + alt="Engineer Threw a Lump of Coal and Hit Me 113 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I rode up as near to the engine as my horse would go and told the engineer + I wanted him. He turned a cock somewhere, and a jet of steam came out + towards me that fairly blinded me and the horse, and I couldn't see the + engine any more. My horse turned tail, the engineer threw a lump of coal + and hit me on the head, and I went away and told the colonel the engineer + wouldn't come, and beside had scalded me with steam, and hit me with a + lump of coal. The colonel said the engineer could be arrested for such + conduct. Pretty soon the train was on fire, and one of our boys clubbed + the engineer, got on the engine and run it on to a side track and ditched + it, and brought the engineer up to headquarters, where I had quite a talk + with him about squirting steam and throwing lumps of coal at peaceable + persons. Then the railroad, bridge was set on fire, and it looked cruel to + see the timbers licked up by flames, but when the burning trestle fell + into the river below, it was a grand, an awful sight. I came out of the + fight alive, but with a lump on my head as big as a hen's egg, so big I + couldn't wear my hat, and a firm determination to whip that engineer who + threw the lump of coal when I could catch him alone. We cooked a late + breakfast on the embers of the ruins, and after eating, I noticed a sign, + “Printing Office,” in front of a residence just outside the burnt + district, and asked permission to go there and print a paper, with an + account of the fight, and the destruction of the town. Permission was + granted, and I went to the office and found an old man and two daughters, + beautiful girls, but intensely bitter rebels. The old man was near eighty + years old, and he said he could whip any dozen yankees. I told him I would + like to use his type and press, but he said if I touched a thing I did it + at my peril, as he should consider the type contaminated by the touch of a + yankee. The girls felt the same way, but I talked nice to them, and they + didn't kick much when I took a “stick” and began to set type. I worked + till dinner time, when they asked me to take dinner with them, which I + did. During the conversation I convinced them that I was practically a + non-combatant, and wouldn't hurt anybody for the world. I worked till + about the middle of the afternoon, when I noticed that the girls, who had + been up on the house, looked tickled about something, and presently I + heard some firing at the edge of the town, some yelling, more firing, + bugle calls among our soldiers, and finally there was an absence of blue + coats, and I looked for my horse, and found the old man leading him away. + I halted the old man, and he stopped and told me that the Confederates had + come into town from the East and driven our cavalry out on the other side, + and I would be a prisoner in about five minutes, and he laughed, and the + girls clapped their hands, and I felt as though my time had come. I had + never killed an old man in my life, but I made up my mind to have my horse + or kill him in his traces, so I drew my revolver and told him to let go + the horse or he was a dead man. It was a question with me whether I could + hold my hand still-enough to kill him, if he didn't let go the horse, and + I hoped to heaven he would drop the bridle. He looked so much like my + father at home that it seemed like killing a near relative, and when I + looked at the two beautiful daughters on the gallery, looking at us, pale + as death, I almost felt as though it would be better to lose the horse and + be captured, then to put a bullet through the gray head of that beautiful + old man. How I wished that he was a young fellow, and had a gun, and had + it pointed at me. Then I could kill him and feel as though it was + self-defense. But the rebels were yelling and firing over the hill, and my + regiment was going the other way on important business, and it was a + question with me whether I should kill the old man, and see his life-blood + ebb out there in front of his children, or be captured, and perhaps shot + for burning buildings. I decided that it was my duty to murder him, and + get my horse. So I rested my revolver across my left forearm, and took + deliberate aim at his left eye, a beautiful, large, expressive gray eye, + so much like my father's at home that I almost imagined I was about to + kill the father who loved me. I heard, a scream on the gallery, and the + blonde girl fainted in the arms of her brunette sister. The sister said to + me, “Please don't kill my father.” He was not ten feet from me, and I + said, “Drop the horse or you die.” The old man trembled, the girl said: + “Pa, give the man his horse,” the old man dropped the bridle and walked + towards the house. I mounted the horse and rode off towards the direction + my regiment had taken, thanking heaven that the girl had spoken just in + time, and that I had not been compelled to put a bullet through that + noble-looking gray head. The face haunted me all the way, as I rode along + to catch my regiment, and when I overtook it, and rode up to the colonel, + and asked him what in thunder he wanted to go off and leave me to fight + the whole southern Confederacy for, he said, “O, get out! There were no + rebels there. That was the Indiana regiment that started out day before + yesterday, to get on the other side of the town. The fellows were shooting + some cattle for food. What makes you look-so pale?” I was thinking of + whether a man ever prospered who killed old people. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Three Days Without Food!—The Value of Hard Tack—A Silver + Watch for a Pint of Meal—I Steal Corn from a Hungry Mule— + The Delirium of Hunger—I Dine on Mule—I Capture a Rebel + Ram. +</pre> + <p> + After overtaking my regiment, and enjoying a feeling of safety which I did + not feel in the presence of that violent old man who laid savage hands on + my horse, and the girls, I began to reflect. Of course the old man was not + armed, and I was, but how did I know but those Confederate girls had + revolvers concealed about their persons, and might have killed me. To feel + that I was once more safe with my regiment, where there was no danger as + long as they did not get into a fight, was bliss indeed, and I rode along + in silence, wondering when the cruel war would be over, and what all this + riding around the country, burning buildings and tearing up railroad + tracks amounted to, anyway. I didn't enlist as a section hand, nor a + railroad wrecker, and there was nothing in my enlistment papers that said + anything about my being compelled to commit arson. The recruit-officer + who, by his glided picture of the beauties of a soldier's life, induced me + to enlist as a soldier, never mentioned anything that would lead me to + believe that one of my duties would be to touch a match to another man's + bales of cotton, or ditch a locomotive belonging to parties who never did + me any harm, and who had a right to expect dividends from their railroad + stock. If I had the money, that was represented in the stuff destroyed by + our troops that day, I could run a daily newspaper for years, if it didn't + have a subscriber or a patent medicine advertisement. And who was + benefitted by such wanton destruction of property. As we rode along I told + the colonel I thought it was a confounded shame to do as we had done, and + that such a use of power, because we had the power, was unworthy of + American soldiers. He said it was a soldier's duty to obey orders and not + talk back, and if he heard any more moralizing on my part he would send me + back to my company, where I would have to do duty like the rest. I told + him I was one of the talking backest fellows he ever saw, and that one of + my duties as a newspaper man was to criticise the conduct of the war. Then + he said I might report to the captain of my company. It seemed hard to go + into the ranks, after having had a soft job with the chaplain, and again + as colonel's orderly, but I thought if I got my back up and showed the + captain that I was no ordinary soldier, but one who was qualified for any + position, that maybe he would be afraid to monkey too much with me. I knew + the captain would be a candidate for some office when the war was over, + and if he knew I was on to him, and that I should very likely publish a + paper that could warm him up quite lively, he would see to it that I + wasn't compelled to do very hard work. So I rode back to my company and + told the captain that the colonel and the chaplain had got through with + me, and I had come back to stay, and would be glad to do any light work he + might have for me. The captain heaved a sigh, as though he was not + particularly tickled to have me back, and told me to fall in, in the rear + of the company. I asked if I couldn't ride at the head of the company. He + said no, there was more room at the rear. I tried to tell him that I was + accustomed to riding at the head of the regiment, but he told me to shut + up my mouth and get back there, and I got back, and fell in at the tail + end of the company, with the cook and an officer's servant, and the + orderly sergeant came back and wanted to know if the company had got to + have me around again. Here was promotion with a vengeance. From the proud + pinnacle from which I had soared, as chaplain's clerk, and colonel's + orderly, I had dropped with one fell swoop to the rear end of my company, + and nobody wanted me, because I had kicked against stealing hens in one + instance, and burning buildings and tearing up railroads in the other. We + rode all day, and at night laid down in the woods and slept, after eating + the last of our rations. I slept beside a log, and before going to sleep + and after waking, I swore by the great horn spoons I would not steal + anything more while I was in the army, nor do any damage to property. In + the morning the soldiers had scarcely a mouthful to eat, and an order was + read to each company that for three or four days it would be necessary to + live off the country, foraging for what we had to eat. I asked the captain + what we would do for something to eat if we didn't find anything in the + country to gobble up. He said we would starve. That was an encouraging + prospect for a man who had taken a solemn oath not to steal any more. I + told the captain I did not intend to steal any more, as I did not think it + right. Then he said I better begin to eat the halter off my horse, because + leather would be the only thing I would have to stay my stomach. The first + day I did not eat a mouthful, except half of a hard-tack that I had a + quarrel with my horse to get. In throwing the saddle on my horse, one + solitary hard-tack that was in the saddle-bag, fell out upon the ground, + and the horse picked it up. I did not know the hard-tack was in the + saddle, and when it fell upon the ground I was as astonished as I would + have been had a clap of thunder come from the clear sky, and when the + horse went for it, my stomach rebelled and I grabbed one side of the + hard-tack while the horse held the other side in his teeth. Something had + to give, and as the horse's teeth nor my hands would give, the hard-tack + had to, and I saved half of it, and placed it in the inside pocket of my + vest, as choice as though it were a thousand dollar bill. + </p> + <p> + I have listened to music, in my time, that has been pretty bad, and which + has sent cold chills up my back, and caused me pain, but I never heard any + bad music that seemed to grate on my nerves as did the noise my horse made + in chewing the half of my last hard-tack, and the look of triumph the + animal gave me was adding insult to injury. Several times during the day I + took that piece of hard-tack from my pocket carefully, wiped it on my + coat-sleeve, and took a small bite, and the horse would look around at me + wickedly, as though he would like to divide it with me again. People talk + about guarding riches carefully, and of placing diamonds in a safe place, + but no riches were ever guarded as securely as was that piece of + hard-tack, and riches never took to themselves wings and new, regretted + more than did my last hard-tack. Each bite made it smaller, and finally, + the last bite was taken, with a sigh, and nothing remained for me to eat + but the halter. Some of the boys went out foraging, and were moderately + successful, while others did not get a thing to eat. The country was pine + woods, with few settlers, and those that lived there were so poor that it + seemed murder to take what they had. One of the men of our company came + back with about two quarts of corn meal, that night, and I traded him a + silver watch for about a pint of it. I mixed it up in some water, and + after the most of the men had fallen asleep, I made two pancakes of the + wet meal, and put them in the ashes of the camp-fire to bake, but fell + asleep before it was done, and when I woke up and reached into the ashes + for the first pancake, it was gone. Some Union soldier, whom it were base + flattery to call a thief, had watched me, and stole my riches as I slept, + robbed me of all I held dear in life. With trembling hands I raked the + ashes for my other pancake, hopelessly, because I thought that, too, was + gone, but to my surprise I found it. The villain who had pursued me as I + slept, had failed to discover the second pancake, and I was safe, and my + life was saved. I have seen a play in a theater in which a miser hides his + gold, first in one place, then in another, looking to the right and to the + left to see if anybody was watching him. I was the same kind of a miser + about my pancake. If I hid it in the woods I might fail to find the place, + in the morning, where I had hid it, and besides, some soldier that was + peacefully snoring near me, apparently, might have one eye on me, and + commit burglary. If I put it in my pocket, and went to sleep, I might have + my pocket picked, so I concluded to remain awake and hold it in my hands. + There appeared to be nothing between me and death by starvation, except + that cornmeal pancake, and I sat there for an hour, beside the dying + embers of the campfire, trying to make up my mind who stole my other + pancake, and what punishment should be meted out to him if I ever found + him out. I would follow him to my dying day. I suspected the captain, the + colonel, the chaplain, and six hundred soldiers, any one of whom was none + too good to steal a man's last pancake if he was hungry. To this day I + have never found out who stole my pancake, but I have not given up the + search, and if I live to be as old as Methuselah, and I find out the + fellow that put himself outside my pancake that dark night in the pine + woods, I will gallop all over that old soldier, if he is older than I am. + That is the kind of avenger that is on the track of that pancake-eater. I + sat there and nodded over my remaining pancake, clutched in my hands, and + finally started to my feet in alarm. Suppose I should fall asleep, and be + robbed? The thought was maddening. I have read of Indians who would eat + enough at one sitting to last them several days, and the thought occurred + to me that if I ate the pancake my enemies could not get it away from me, + and perhaps it would digest gradually, a little each day, and brace me up + until we got where there were rations plenty. So I sat there and + deliberately eat every mouthful of it, and looked around at the sleeping + companions with triumph, laid down and slept as peacefully on the ground + as I ever slept in bed. + </p> + <p> + There may be truth in the story about Indians eating enough to last them a + week, but it did not work in my case, for in the morning I was hungry as a + she wolf. The pancake had gone to work and digested itself right at once, + as though there was no end of food, and my stomach yearned for something. + I walked down by the quartermaster's wagons, about daylight, and there was + a four-mule team, each with a nose bag on, with corn in it. The mules were + eating corn, unconscious of a robber being near. At home, where I had + lived on good fresh meat, bread, pie, everything that was good, nobody + could have made me believe that I would steal corn from a government mule, + but when I heard the mules eating that corn a demon possessed me, and I + meditated robbery. I did not want to take all the corn I wanted from one + mule, so I decided to take toll from all of them. I went up to the first + one, and reached my hand down into the nose bag beside the mule's mouth + and rescued a handful of corn, then went to another to do the same, but + that mule kicked at the scheme. I went to two others, and they laid their + ears back and began to kick at the trace chains, so I went back to my + first love, the patient mule, and took every last kernel of corn in the + bag, and as I went away with a pocket full of corn the mule looked at me + with tears in its eyes, but I couldn't be moved by no mule tears, with + hunger gnawing at my vitals, so I hurried away like a guilty thing. While + I was parching the corn stolen from the mule, in a half of a tin canteen, + over the fire, the chaplain came along and wanted to sample it. He was + pretty hungry, but I wasn't running a free boarding house for chaplains + any more, and I told him he must go forage for himself. He said he would + give his birthright for a pocket full of corn. I told him I didn't want + any birthright, unless a birthright would stay a man's stomach, but if he + would promise to always love, honor and obey me, I would tell him where he + could get some corn. He swore by the great bald headed Elijah that if I + would steer him onto some corn he would remember me the longest day he + lived, and pray for me. I never was very much, mashed on the chaplain's + influence at the throne, but I didn't want to see him starve, while + government mules were living on the fat of the land, so I told him to go + down to the quartermaster's corral and rob the mules as I had done. He bit + like a bass, and started for the mules. Honestly, I had no designs on the + chaplain, but he traded me a kicking mule once, and got a good horse of + me, because I thought he wanted to do me a favor. As he was familiar with + mules, I supposed he would know how to steal a little corn. Pretty soon I + heard a great commotion down there, and presently the chaplain came out + with a mule chasing him, its ears laid back, and blood in its eyes. The + chaplain was white as a sheet, and yelling for help. Before I could knock + the mule down with a neck-yoke, the animal had grabbed the chaplain by the + coat tail, with its mouth, taking some of his pants, also, and perhaps a + little skin, raised him up into the air, about seven feet, let go of him, + and tried to turn around and kick the good man on the fly as he came down. + We drove the mule away, rescued the chaplain, tied his pants together with + a piece of string, cut off the tail of his coat which the mule had not + torn off, so it was the same length as the other one, and made him look + quite presentable, though he said he <i>knew</i> he could never ride a + horse again. It seems that instead of reaching into the nose bag, and + taking a little corn, he had unbuckled the nose bag and taken it off. I + told him he was a hog, and ought to have known better than take the nose + bag off, thus leaving the mule's mouth unmuzzled, while the animal was + irritated. He accused me of knowing that the mule was vicious, and + deliberately sending him there to be killed, so rather than have any hard + feelings I gave him a handful of my parched corn. + </p> + <p> + A few Sundays afterwards I heard him preach a sermon on the sin of + covetousness, and I thought how beautifully he could have illustrated his + sermon if he had turned around and showed his soldier audience where the + mule eat his coat tail. Soon we saddled up and marched another day without + food. Reader, were you ever so hungry that you could see, as plain as + though it was before you, a dinner-table set with a full meal, roast beef, + mashed potatoes, pie, all steaming hot, ready to sit down to? If you have + not been very hungry in your life, you can not believe that one can be in + a condition to see things. The man with delirium tremens can see snakes, + while the hungry man, in his delirium, can see things he would like to + eat. Many times during that day's ride through the deserted pine-woods, + with my eyes wide open, I could see no trees, no ground, no horses and men + around me, but there seemed a film over the eyes, and through it I could + see all of the good things I ever had eaten. One moment there would be a + steaming roast turkey, on a platter, ready to be carved. Again I could see + a kettle over a cook-stove, with a pigeon pot-pie cooking, the dumpings, + light as a feather, bobbing up and down with the steam, and I could + actually smell the odor of the cooking pot-pie. It seems strange, and + unbelievable to those who have never experienced extreme hunger or thirst, + that the imagination can picture eatables and streams of running water, so + plain that one will almost reach for the eatables, or rush for the + imaginary stream, to plunge in and quench thirst, but I have experienced + both of those sensations for thirteen dollars a month, and nary a pension + yet. It is such experiences that bring gray hairs to the temples of young + soldiers, and cause eyes to become hollow and sunken in the head. Today, + your Uncle Samuel has not got silver dollars enough in his treasury to + hire me to suffer one day of such hunger as to make me see things that + were not there, but twenty-two years ago it was easy to have fun over it, + and to laugh it off the next day. When we stopped that day, at noon, to + rest, the company commissary sergeant came up to the company, with two men + carrying the hind quarter of an animal that had been slaughtered, and he + began to cut it up and issue it out to the men. It was peculiar looking + meat, but it was meat, and every fellow took his ration, and it was not + long before the smell of broiled fresh meat could be “heard” all around. + When I took my meat I asked the sergeant what it was, and where he got it. + I shall always remember his answer. It was this: + </p> + <p> + “Young man, when you are starving, and the means of sustaining life are + given you, take your rations and go away, and don't ask any fool + questions. If you don't want it, leave it.” + </p> + <p> + Leave it? Egad, I would have eaten it if it had been a Newfoundland dog, + and I took it, and cooked it, and ate it. I do not know, and never did, + what it was, but when the quartermaster's mule teams pulled out after + dinner, there were two “spike teams;”—that is, two wheel mules and a + single leader, instead of four-mule teams. After I saw the teams move out, + each mule looking mournful, as though each one thought his time might come + next, I didn't want to ask any questions about that meat, though I know + there wasn't a beef critter within fifty miles of us. I have had my + children ask me, many times, if I ever eat any mule in the army, and I + have always said that I did not know. And I don't. But I am a great hand + to mistrust. + </p> + <p> + It was on this hungry day, when filled with meat such as I had never met + before that I did a thing I shall always regret. The captain came down to + the rear of the company and said, so we could all hear it. “I want two men + to volunteer for a perilous mission. I want two as brave men as ever + lived. Who will volunteer? Don't all speak at once. Take plenty of time, + for your lives may pay the penalty!” I had been feeling for some days as + though there was not the utmost confidence in my bravery, among the men, + and I had been studying as to whether I would desert, and become a + wanderer on the face of the earth, or do some desperate deed that would + make me solid with the boys, and when the captain called for volunteers, I + swallowed a large lump in my throat, and said, “Captain, <i>here is your + mule</i>. I will go!” Whether it was that confounded meat I had eaten that + had put a seeming bravery into me, or desperation at the hunger of the + past few days, I do not know, but I volunteered for a perilous mission. A + little Irishman named McCarty spoke up, and said, “Captain, I will go + anywhere that red headed recruit will go.” + </p> + <p> + So it was settled that McCarty and myself should go, and with some + misgivings on my part we rode up to the front and reported. I thought what + a fool I was to volunteer, when I was liable to be killed, but I was in + for it, and there was no use squealing now. We came to a cross road, and + the captain whispered to us that we should camp there, and that he had + been told by a reliable contraband that up the cross road about two miles + was a house at which there was a sheep, and he wanted us to go and take + it. He said there might be rebels anywhere, and we were liable to be + ambushed and killed, but we must never come back alive without sheep meat. + Well, we started off. McCarty said I better ride a little in advance so if + we were ambushed, I would be killed first, and he would rush back and + inform the captain. I tried to argue with McCarty that I being a recruit, + and he a veteran, it would look better for him to lead, but he said I + volunteered first, and he would waive his rights of precedence, and ride + behind me. So we rode along, and I reflected on my changed condition. A + few short weeks ago I was a respected editor of a country newspaper in + Wisconsin, looked up to, to a certain extent, by my neighbors, and now I + had become a sheep thief. At home the occupation of stealing sheep was + considered pretty low down, and no man who followed the business was + countenanced by the best society. A sheep thief, or one who was suspected + of having a fondness for mutton not belonging to him, was talked about. + And for thirteen dollars a month, and an insignificant bounty, I had + become a sheep thief. If I ever run another newspaper, after the war, how + did I know but a vile contemporary across the street would charge me with + being a sheep thief, and prove it by McCarty. May be this was a conspiracy + on the part of the captain, whom I suspected of a desire to run for office + when we got home, to get me in his power, so that if I went for him in my + paper, he could charge me with stealing sheep. It worked me up + considerable, but we were out of meat, and if there was a sheep in the + vicinity, and I got it, there was one thing sure, they couldn't get any + more mule down me. So we rode up to the plantation, which was apparently + deserted. There was a lamb about two-thirds grown, in the front yard, and + McCarty and myself dismounted and proceeded to surround the young sheep. + As we walked up to it, the lamb came up to me bleating, licked my hand, + and then I noticed there was a little sleigh-bell tied to its neck with a + blue ribbon. The lamb looked up at us with almost human eyes, and I was + going to suggest that we let it alone, when McCarty grabbed it by the hind + legs and was going to strap it to his saddle, when it set up a bleating, + and a little boy come rushing out of the house, a bright little fellow + about three years old, who could hardly talk plain. I wanted to hug him, + he looked so much like a little black-eyed baby at home, that was too + awfully small to say “good bye, papa” when I left. The little fellow, with + the dignity of an emperor, said, “Here, sir, you must not hurt my little + pet lamb. Put him down, sir, or I will call the servants and have you put + off the premises.” McCarty laughed, and said the lamb would be fine 'atin + for the boy's, and was pulling the little thing up, when the tears came + into the boy's eyes, and that settled it. I said, “Mac, for heaven's sake, + drop that lamb. I wouldn't break that little boy's heart for all the + sheep-meat on earth. I will eat mule, or dog, but I draw the line at + children's household pets. Let the lamb go.” “Begorra, yer right,” said + McCarty, as he let the lamb down. “Luk at how the shep runs to the little + bye. Ah, me little mon, yer pet shall not be taken away from yez,” and a + big tear ran down McCarty's face. The boy said there was a great big sheep + in the back yard we could have, if we were hungry, and we went around the + house to see. There was an old black ram that looked as though he could + whip a regiment of soldiers, but we decided that he was our meat. McCarty + suggested that I throw a lariet rope around his horns, and lead him, + whiles, he would go behind and drive the animal. That looked feasible, and + taking a horse-hair picket rope off my saddle, with a slip noose in the + end, I tossed it over the horns of the ram, tied the rope to the saddle, + and started. The ram went along all right till we got out to the road, + when he held back a little. Mac jabbed the ram in the rear with his saber, + and he came along all right, only a little too sudden. That was one of the + mistakes of the war, Mac's pricking that ram, and it has been the source + of much study on my part, for twenty-two years, as to whether the Irishman + did it on purpose, knowing the ram would charge on my horse, and butt my + steed in the hind legs. If that was the plan of the Irishman, it worked + well, for the first thing I knew my horse jumped about eighteen feet, and + started down the road towards camp, on a run, dragging the ram, which was + bellowing for all that was out. I tried to hold the horse in a little, but + every time he slackened up the ram would gather himself and run his head + full tilt against the horse, and away he would go again. Sometimes the ram + was flying through the air, at the end of the rope, then it would be + dragged in the sand, and again it would strike on its feet, and all the + time the ram was blatting, and the confounded Irishman was yelling and + laughing. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/131.jpg" alt="We Went Into the Camp That Way 131 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + We went into the camp that way, and the whole regiment, hearing the noise, + turned out to see us come in. As my horse stopped, and the ram was caught + by a colored man, who tied its legs, I realized the ridiculousness of the + scene, and would have gone off somewhere alone and hated myself, or killed + the Irishman, but just then I saw the captain, and I said, “Captain, I + have to report that the perilous expedition was a success. There's your + sheep,” and I rode away, resolved that that was the last time I should + ever volunteer for perilous duty. The Irishman was telling a crowd of boys + the particulars, and they were having a great laugh, when I said: + </p> + <p> + “McCarty, you are a villain. I believe you set that ram on to me on + purpose. Henceforth we are strangers.” + </p> + <p> + “Be gob,” said the Irishman, as he held his sides with laughter, “yez + towld me to drive the shape, and didn't I obey?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Bacon and Hard-tack—In Danger of Ague—In Search of Whisky + and Quinine—I Am Appointed Corporal—I Make a Speech—I Am + the Leader of Ten Picked Men—I Am Willing to Resign. +</pre> + <p> + The next day we arrived at a post where rations were plenty, and where it + was announced we should remain for a week or two, so we drew tents and + made ourselves as comfortable as possible. It did seem good to again be + where we did not have to depend on our own resources, of stealing, for + what we wanted to eat. To be able to draw from the commissary regular + rations of meat, tea, coffee, sugar, baker's bread, and beans, was joy + indeed, after what we had gone through, and we almost made hogs of + ourselves. There was one thing—those few days of starvation taught + us a lesson, and that was, when ordered on a trip with two days' rations, + to take at least enough for six days, especially of coffee and salt pork + or bacon. With coffee and a piece of old smoked bacon, a man can exist a + long time. I remember after that trip, wherever I went, there was a chunk + of bacon in one of my saddle-bags that nobody knew anything about, and + many a time, on long marches, when hunger would have been experienced + almost as severe as the time written about last week, I would take out my + chunk of bacon, cut off a piece and spread it on a hard-tack, and eat a + meal that was more strengthening than any meal Delmonico ever spread. It + was at this post that the boys in the regiment played a trick that caused + much fun throughout all the army. There were a few men in each company who + had the chills and fever, or ague, and the surgeon gave them each morning, + a dose of whisky and quinine. It was interesting to see a dozen soldiers + go to surgeon's call, take their “bitters,” and return to their quarters. + The boys would go to the surgeon's tent sort of languid, and drag along, + and after swallowing a good swig of whisky and quinine they would walk + back to their quarters swinging their arms like Pat Rooney on the stage, + and act as though they could whip their weight in wild cats. I got + acquainted with the hospital steward, and he said if the boys were not + careful they would all be down with the ague, and that an ounce of + prevention was worth more than a pound of cure. I thought I would take + advantage of his advice, so I fell in with the sick fellows the next + morning, and when the doctor asked, “What's the matter?” I said “chills,” + and he said, “Take a swallow out of the red bottle.” I took a swallow, and + it <i>was</i> bitter, but it had whisky in it, more than quinine, and the + idea of beating the government out of a drink of whisky was pleasure + enough to overcome the bitter taste. I took a big swallow, and before I + got back to my quarters I had had a fight with a mule-driver, and when the + quartermaster interfered I had insulted him by telling him I knew him when + he carried a hod, before the war, and I shouted, “Mort, more mort!” until + he was going to lather me with a mule whip, but he couldn't catch me. As I + run by the surgeon's tent, somebody remarked that I had experienced a + remarkably sudden cure for chills. The whisky was not real good, but as I + had heard the hospital steward say they had just put in a requisition for + two barrels of it, to be prepared for an epidemic of chills, I thought the + boys ought to know it, so that day I went around to the different + companies and told the boys how to play it for a drink. There are very few + soldiers, in the best regiment, that will not take a drink of whisky when + far away from home, discouraged, and worn out by marching, and our fellows + looked favorably upon the proposition to all turn out to surgeon's call + the next morning. I shall never forget the look on the face of the good + old surgeon, as the boys formed in line in front of his tent the next + morning. The last time I saw him, he was in his coffin, about five years + ago, at the soldier's home, and a few of the survivors of the regiment + that lived here had gone out to the home to take a last look at him, and + act as mourners at the funeral. He looked much older than when he used to + ask us fellows the conumdrum, “What's the matter?” but there was that same + look on his white, cold face that there was the morning that nearly the + whole regiment reported for “bitters.” + </p> + <p> + There must have been four hundred men in line, and it happened that I was + the first to be called. When he asked me about my condition, and I told + him of the chills, he studied a minute, then looked at me, and said, You + are bilious, David, give him a dose of castor oil. I know I turned pale, + for it was a great come down from quinine and whisky to castor oil, for a + healthy man, and I kicked. I told him I had the shakes awfully, and all I + wanted was a quinine powder. I knew they had put all their quinine into a + barrel of whisky, so I was safe in asking for dry quinine. The good old + gentleman finally relented on the castor oil, and told David to give me a + swallow of the quinine bitters, but there was a twinkle in his eye, as he + noticed what a big swallow I took, and then he said, “You will be well + tomorrow; you needn't come again.” I dropped out of the ranks, with my + skin full of quinine and whisky, and watched the other fellows. + </p> + <p> + There were men in the line who had never been sick a day since they + enlisted, big fellows that would fight all day, and stand picket all + night, and who never knew what it was to have an ache. And it was amusing + to see them appear to shake, and to act as though they had chills. Some of + them could not keep from laughing, and it was evident that the doctor had + his doubts about there being so many cases of chills, but he dosed out the + quinine and whisky as long as there was a man who shook. As each man took + his dose, he would show two expressions on his face. One was an expression + of hilarity at putting himself outside of a good swig of whisky, and the + other was an expression of contempt for the bitter quinine, and an evident + wish that the drug might be left out. When all had been served, they + lingered around the surgeon's quarters, talking with each other and + laughing, others formed on for a stag quadrille, and danced, while a + nigger fiddled. Some seemed to feel as though they wanted some one to + knock a chip off their shoulders, old grudges were talked over, and + several fights were prevented by the interference of friends who were + jolly and happy, and who did not believe in fighting for fun, when there + was so much fighting to be done in the way of business. The old doctor + walked up and down in front of his tent in a deep study. He was evidently + thinking over the epidemic of ague that had broken out in a healthy + regiment, and speculating as to its cause. Suddenly an idea seemed to + strike him, and he walked up to a crowd of his patients, who were watching + a couple of athletes, who had just taken their quinine, and who had put on + boxing gloves and were pasting each other in the nose. “One moment,” said + the old doctor. The boys stopped boxing, and every last “sick” man + listened respectfully to what the old doctor said; “Boys,” said he, “you + have got it on me this time. I don't believe a confounded one of you have + got ague at all. You 'shook me' for the whisky. After this, quinine will + be dealt out raw, without any whisky, and now you can shake all you + please.” Some one proposed three cheers for the boys that had made Uncle + Sam stand treat, and the cheers were given, and the boys separated to talk + over the event. The next morning only the usual number of sick were in + attendance at surgeon's call. The healthy fellows didn't want to take + quinine raw. + </p> + <p> + About this time an incident occurred that was fraught with great + importance to the country and to me, though the historians of the war have + been silent about it in their histories, whether through jealousy or + something else I do not know, and modesty has prevented me from making any + inquiries as to the cause. The incident alluded to was my appointment as + corporal of my company. I say the incident was “fraught” with importance. + I do not know the meaning of the word fraught, but it is frequently used + in history in that connection, and I throw it in, believing that it is a + pretty good word. The appointment came to me like a stroke of paralysis. I + was not conscious that my career as a soldier had been such as to merit + promotion, I could not recall my particularly brilliant military + achievement that would warrant my government selecting me from the ranks + and conferring honors upon me, unless it was my lasooing that ram and + dragging him into camp, when we were out of meat. But it was not my place + to inquire into the cause that had led to my sudden promotion over the + rank and file. I thought if I made too many inquiries it would be + discovered that I was not such an all-fired great soldier after all. If + the government had somehow got the impression that I was well calculated + to lead hosts to victory, and it was an erroneous impression, it was the + governments' place to find it out without any help on my part. I would + accept the position with a certain dignity, as though I knew that it was + inevitable that I must sooner or later come to the front. So when the + captain informed me that he should appoint me Corporal, I told him that I + thanked him, and through him, the Nation, and would try and perform the + duties of the exacting and important position to the best of my ability, + and hoped that I might not do anything that would bring discredit upon our + distracted country. He said that would be all right, that he had no doubt + the country would pull through. That evening at dress parade the + appointment was read, and I felt elated. I thought it singular that the + regiment did not break out into cheers, and make the welkin ring, though + they may not have had any welkin to ring. However, I thought it was my + duty to make a little speech, acknowledging the honor conferred upon me, + as I had read that generals and colonels did when promoted. I took off my + hat and said, “Fellow soldiers.” That was the end of my speech, for the + captain turned around and said to the orderly sergeant, “Stop that + red-headed cusses mouth some way,” and the orderly told me to dry up. + Everybody was laughing, I supposed, at the captain. Anyway, I felt hurt, + and when we got back to camp the boys of all the companies surrounded me + to offer congratulations, and I was called on for a speech. Not being in + the ranks, nobody could prevent me from speaking, so I got up on a barrel, + and said: + </p> + <p> + “Fellow Soldiers:—As I was about to remark, when interrupted by the + captain, on dress parade, this office has come to me entirely unsought. It + has not been my wish to wear the gilded trappings of office and command + men, but rather to fight in the ranks, a private soldier. I enlisted as a + private, and my ambition has been to remain in the ranks to the end of the + war. But circumstances over which I have no control has taken me and + placed me on the high pinnacle of Corporal, and I must bow to the decree + of fate. Of course, in my new position there must necessarily be a certain + gulf between us. I have noticed that there has been a gulf between me and + the officers, and I have thought it wrong. I have thought that privates + and officers should mingle together freely, and share each others secrets, + privations and rations. But since being promoted I can readily see that + such things cannot be. The private has his position and the officer has + his, and each must be separate. It is not my intention to make any radical + changes in the conduct of military affairs at present, allowing things to + go along about as they have, but as soon as I have a chance to look about + me, certain changes will be made. All I ask is that you, my fellow + soldiers, shall stand by me, follow where I shall lead and—” + </p> + <p> + At this point in my address the head of the barrel on which I stood fell + in with a dull thud, and I found myself up to the neck in corned-beef + brine. The boys set up a shout, some fellow kicked over the barrel, and + they began to roll it around the camp with me in it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/141.jpg" + alt="Just Promoted to the Proud Position of Corporal 141 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + This was a pretty position for a man just promoted to the proud position + of Corporal. As they rolled me about and yelled like Indians, I could see + that an official position in that regiment was to be no sinecure. All + official positions have more or less care and responsibility, but this one + seemed to me to have too much. Finally they spilled me out of the barrel, + and I was a sight to behold. My first idea was to order the whole two + hundred fellows under arrest, and have them court-martialed for conduct + unbecoming soldiers; but on second thought I concluded that would seem an + arbitrary use of power, so I concluded to laugh it off. One fellow said + they begged pardon for any seeming disrespect to an official; but it had + always been customary in the regiment to initiate a corporal who was new + and too fresh with salt brine. I said that was all right, and I invited + them all up to the chaplain's tent to join me in a glass of wine. The + chaplain was away, and I knew he had received a keg of wine from the + sanitary commission that day, so we went up to his tent and drank it, and + everything passed off pleasantly until the chaplain happened in. The boys + dispersed as soon as he came, and left me to fight it out with the good + man. He was the maddest truly good man I have ever seen. I tried to + explain about my promotion, and that it was customary to set em up for the + boys, and that there was no saloon near, and that he had always told me to + help myself to anything I wanted; but he wouldn't be calm at all. I tried + to quote from Paul's epistle about taking a little wine for the + stomach-ache; but he just raved around and called me names, until I had to + tell him that if he kept on I would, in my official capacity as corporal, + place him under arrest. That seemed to calm him a little, for he laughed, + and finally he said I smelled of stale corned-beef, and he kicked me out + of his tent, and I retired to my quarters to study over the mutability of + human affairs, and the unpleasant features of holding official position. + </p> + <p> + That night I dreamed that General Grant and myself were running the army + in splendid shape, and that we were in-receipt of constant congratulations + from a grateful country, for victories. He and I seemed to be great chums. + I dreamed of engagements with the enemy, in which I led men against + fearful odds, and always came out victorious. I woke up before daylight + and was wondering what dangerous duty I would be detailed to lead men + upon, when the orderly poked his head in my tent and told me I was + detailed to take ten picked men, at daylight, for hard service, and to + report at once. I felt that my time had come to achieve renown, and I + dressed myself with unusual care, putting on the blouse with two rows of + buttons, which I had brought from home. I borrowed a pair of Corporal's + chevrons and sewed them to the sleeves of my blouse, and was ready to die, + if need be. I placed a Testament I had brought from home, inside my + blouse, in a breast pocket, as I had read of many cases where a Testament + had been struck with a bullet and saved a soldier's life. I placed all my + keepsakes in a package, and told my tent mate that I was going out with + ten picked men, and it was possible I might never show up again, and if I + fell he was to send the articles to my family. I wondered that I did not + feel afraid to die. I was no professor of religion, though I had always + tried to do the square thing all around, but with no consolation of + religion at all, I felt a sweet peace that was indescribable. If it was my + fate to fall in defence of my country, at the head of ten picked men, so + be it. Somebody must die, and why not me. I was no better than thousands + of others, and while life was sweet to me, and I had anticipated much + pleasure in life, after the war, in shooting ducks and holding office, I + was willing to give up all hope of pleasure in the future, and die like a + thoroughbred. I was glad that I had been promoted, and wondered if they + would put “Corporal” on my tombstone. I wondered, if I fell that day at + the head of my mem, if the papers at the North, and particularly in + Wisconsin, would say “The deceased had just been promoted, for gallant + conduct, to the position of Corporal, and it will be hard to fill his + place.” With these thoughts I sadly reported to the orderly. The ten + picked men were in line. They were four of them Irishmen, two Yankees, two + Germans, a Welshman and a Scotchman. The orderly gave me a paper, sealed + in an envelope. I turned to my men, and said, “Boys, whatever happens + today, I don't want to see any man show the white feather. The world will + read the accounts of this day's work with feelings of awe, and the country + will care for those we leave behind.” We started off, and it occurred to + me to read my instructions. I opened the envelope with the air of a + general who was accustomed to receive important messages. I read it, and + almost fainted, It read “Report to the quartermaster, at the steamboat + landing, to unload quartermaster's stores from steamer Gazelle.” Ye gods! + And this was the hard service that I was to lead ten picked men into. They + had picked out ten stevedores, to carry sacks of corn, and hard-tack + boxes, and barrels of pork, and that was the action I was to engage in as + my first duty as corporal. + </p> + <p> + I almost cried. We rode down to the landing, where a dozen teams were + waiting to be loaded. It was all I could do to break the news to my picked + men that they were expected to lug sacks of corn instead of fight, and + when I did they kicked at once. One of the Irishmen said he would be + teetotally d——d if he enlisted to carry corn for mules, and he + would lay in the guard-house till the war was over before he would lift a + sack. There was a strike on my hands to start on. I was sorry that I had + permitted myself to be promoted to Corporal. Trouble from the outset. One + of the Yankees suggested that we hold an indignation meeting, so we rode + up in front of a cotton warehouse and dismounted. The Scotchman was + appointed chairman, and for half an hour the ten picked men discussed the + indignity that was attempted to be heaped upon them, by compelling them to + do the work of niggers. + </p> + <p> + They argued that a cavalry soldier's duty was exclusively to ride on + horseback, and that there was no power on earth to compel them to carry + sacks of corn. One of the Dutchmen said he could never look a soldier in + the face again after doing such menial duty, and he would not submit to + it. The Scotch chairman said if he had read the articles of war right + there was no clause that said that the cavalry man should leave his horse + and carry corn. I was called upon for my opinion, and said that I was a + little green as to the duties of a soldier, but supposed we had to do + anything we were ordered to do, but it seemed a little tough. I told them + I didn't want any mutiny, and it would be a plain case of mutiny if they + refused to work. One of the Irishmen asked if I would help carry sacks of + corn, and I told him that as commander of the expedition it would be + plainly improper for me to descend to a common day laborer. I held it to + be the duty of a corporal to stand around and see the men work. They all + said that was too thin, and I would have to peel on my coat and work if + they did. I told them I couldn't lift a sack of corn to save me, but they + said if that was the case I ought not to have come. The quartermaster was + looking around for the detail that was to unload the boat, and he asked me + if I had charge of the men detailed to unload. I told him that I <i>did</i> + have charge of them when we left camp, but that they had charge of me now, + and said they wouldn't lift a pound. He thought a minute, and said, “I + don't like to see you boys carrying corn sacks, and rolling pork barrels. + Why don't you chip in and hire some niggers.” The idea seemed inspired. + There were plenty of niggers around that would work for a little money. + One of the Irishmen moved that the Corporal hire ten niggers to unload the + quartermasters stores, and the motion was carried unanimously. I would + have voted against it, but the Scotchman, who was chairman, ruled that I + had no right to vote. So I went and found ten niggers that agreed to work + for fifty cents each, and they were set to work, the quartermaster + promising not to tell in camp about my hiring the work done. One of my + Dutchmen moved that, inasmuch as we had nothing to do all day, that we + take in the town, and play billiards, and whoop it up until the boat was + unloaded. That seemed a reasonable proposition, and the motion carried, + after an amendment had been added to the effect that the Corporal stay on + the boat and watch the niggers, and see that they didn't shirk. So my + first command, my ten picked men, rode off up town, and I set on a wagon + and watched my hired men. It was four o clock in the afternoon before the + stuff was all loaded, and after paying the niggers five dollars out of my + own pocket, some of my bounty money, I went up to town to round up my + picked men to take them to camp. I found the Scotchman pretty full of + Scotch whisky. He had found a countryman who kept a tailor shop, who had a + bag pipe, and they were having a high old time playing on the instrument, + and singing Scotch songs. I got him on his horse, and we looked for the + rest. The two Germans were in a saloon playing pee-nuckel, and singing + German songs, and their skins were pretty full of beer and cheese. They + were got into the ranks, and we found the Irishmen playing forty-five in a + saloon kept by a countryman of theirs, and they had evidently had a + shindig, as one of them had a black eye and a scratch on his nose, and + they were full of fighting whisky. The Yankees had swelled up on some kind + of benzine and had hired a hack and taken two women out riding, and when + we rounded them up each one had his feet out of the window of the hack, + and they were enjoying themselves immensely. The Welchman was the only one + that was sober, but the boys said there was not enough liquor in the South + to get him drunk. When I got them all mounted they looked as though they + had been to a banquet. We started for camp, but I did not want to take + them in until after dark, so we rode around the suburbs of the town until + night drew her sable mantle over the scene. They insisted on singing until + within half a mile of camp, and it would no doubt have been good music, + only the Scotchman insisted on singing “The March of the Cameron Men,” + while the Irishmen sung “Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake,” and the German's + sung “Wacht am Rhine.” The Yankees sung the “Star Spangled Banner,” and + the Welchman sung something in the Welch language which was worse than + all. All the songs being sung together, of course I couldn't enjoy either + of them as well as a Corporal ought to enjoy the music of his command. + Arriving near camp, the music was hushed, and we rode in, and up to the + captain's tent, where I reported that the corn was unloaded, all right. He + said that was all right. Everything would have passed off splendidly, only + one of the Irishmen proposed “three cheers” for the dandy Corporal of the + regiment, and those inebriated, picked men, gave three cheers that raised + the roof of the colonel's tent near by, because I had hired niggers to do + the work, and let the men have a holiday. I dismissed them as quick as I + could, but the colonel sent for me, and I had to tell him the whole story. + He said I would demoralize the whole regiment in a week more, and I better + let up or he would have to discipline me. I offered to resign my + commission as Corporal, but he said I better hold on till we could have a + fight, and may be I would get killed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Yearnings for Military Fame—What I Want is a Chance—I Feel + I Could Crush the Rebellion—My Chance Arrives—I am + Crushed—The Rebellion Remains Pretty Well. +</pre> + <p> + As I could get no one to accept my resignation as corporal, which I + tendered after my first service in that capacity, unloading a steamboat, I + decided to post myself as to the duties of the position, so I borrowed a + copy of “Hardee's Tactics,” and studied a good deal. Every place in the + book that mentioned the word “corporal,” had a particular and thrilling + interest for me, and I soon got so it would have been easy for me to have + done almost anything that a corporal would have to do. But I was not + contented to study the duty of a corporal. I read about the “school of the + company,” and the “school of the regiment,” and “battalion drills,” and + everything, until I could handle a regiment, or a brigade, for that + matter, as well as any officer in the army, in my mind. This led me to go + farther, and I borrowed a copy of a large blue book the colonel had, the + name of which I do not remember now, but it was all military, and told how + to conduct a battle successfully. I studied that book until I got the + thing down so fine that I could have fought the battle of Gettysburg + successfully, and I longed for a chance to show what I knew about military + science and strategy. It seemed wonderful to me that one small red-head + could contain so much knowledge about military affairs, and I felt a pity + for some officers I knew who never had studied at all, and did not know + anything except what they had picked up. I fought battles in my mind, day + and night. Some nights I would lay awake till after midnight, planning + campaigns, laying out battle-fields, and marching men against the enemy, + who fought stubbornly, but I always came out victorious, and then I would + go to sleep and dream that the President and secretary of war had got on + to me, as it were, and had offered me high positions, and I would wake up + in the morning the same red-headed corporal, and cook my breakfast. + Sometimes I thought it my duty to inform the government, in some round + about way, what a bonanza the country had in me, if my talent could only + be utilized by placing me where I would have a chance to distinguish + myself, and bring victory to our arms. I reflected that Grant, and + Sherman, and Sheridan, and all of the great generals, were once corporals, + and by study they had risen. + </p> + <p> + There was not one of them that could dream out a battle, and a victory any + better that I could. All I wanted was a chance. Just give me men enough, + and turn me loose in the Southern Confederacy, with that head of mine, and + the result would be all an anxious nation could desire. + </p> + <p> + My first chance came sooner than I expected. The next day a part of the + regiment went out on a scout, to be gone a couple of days, and my company + was along. I was unusually absorbed in thought, and wondered if I would be + given a chance to do anything. It seemed reasonable that if any corporal + was sent out with a squad of men, to fight, it would be an old corporal, + while if there was any duty that was menial, the new corporals would get + it. The second day out we stopped at noon to let our horses rest, when + little scouting parties that had been sent out on different roads during + the forenoon, began to come in. Many of them had picked up straggling + rebels, and brought them to damp, and they were carefully guarded, and the + major, who was in command of our party, was asking them questions, and + pumping them to find out all he could. I went over and looked at them, and + they were quite a nice looking lot of fellows, some being officers, with + plenty of gold lace on their gray suits. They were home from the + Confederate army on a leave of absence, probably recruiting. After talking + with a rebel officer for a time the major turned to the adjutant and said, + “send me a corporal and ten men.” The adjutant started, on, and I followed + him. I used to know the adjutant when he taught a district school, before + the war, and I asked him as a special favor to let me be the corporal. He + said the detail would be from my company, and if I could fix it with the + orderly sergeant of my company it was all right. I rushed to my company + and found the orderly, and got him to promise if there was a detail from + the company that day, I could go. Before the words were out of his mouth + the detail came, and in five minutes I reported to the major with ten men. + The major simply told me that a certain rebel captain, from Lee's army, + was reported to be at home, and his plantation was about four miles east, + and he described it to me. He told me to ride out there, surround the + house, capture the captain, and bring him into camp. + </p> + <p> + No general ever received his orders in regard to fighting a battle, with a + feeling of greater pride and responsibililty than I did my orders to + capture that rebel. We started out, and then for the first time I noticed + that there was another corporal in the squad with, me, and at once it + occurred to me that he might claim a part of the glory of capturing the + rebel. I had heard of the jealousy existing between generals, and how the + partisans of different generals filled the newspapers, after a battle, + with accounts of the part taken by their favorites, and that the accounts + got so mixed, up that the reader couldn't tell to whom the credit of + success was due, and I decided to take prompt measure with this + supernumerary corporal, who had evidently got in by mistake, so I told him + he might go back to the regiment. He said he guessed not. He had been + detailed to go on the scout, and he was going, if he knew himself, and he + thought he did. He said when it come right down to rank, he was an older + corporal than I was, and could take command of the squad if he wanted to. + I told him he was mistaken as to his position. That if the major had + wanted him to take charge of the expedition, he would have given him the + instructions, but as the major had given me the instructions, in a low + tone of voice, nobody but myself knew where we were going or what we were + going for, and that I was responsible, and the first intimation I had from + him that he wanted to mutiny, or relieve me from my command, I would have + him shot at once. I told him he could go along, but he must keep his mouth + shut, and obey orders. He said he would obey, if he felt like it. We moved + on, and I would have given a month's pay if that corporal had not been + there. In a short time we were in sight of the house, and at a cross road + I told the corporal to take one man and stop there, until further orders, + and if any rebel came along, to capture him. He was willing enough to stay + there, because there was a patch, of musk melons just over the fence. I + moved my remaining eight men to a high piece of ground near the house, and + halted, to look over the field of battle. Pulling a spy glass from my + pocket, which I had borrowed from the sutler, I surveyed, as near like a + general as possible, the situation. On one side of the house was a ravine, + which I decided must be held at all hazards, and after studying my copy of + tactics a moment, I sent an Irishman over there to hold the key to the + situation, and told him he might consider himself the Iron Brigade. The + lay of the ground reminded me much of pictures I had seen of the battle of + Bull Run, and the road on which I had left the corporal and one man, was + the road to Washington, on which we would retreat, if overcome by the + enemy. To the right of the ravine, which was held by the Iron Brigade, I + noticed a hen-house with a gate leading back to the nigger quarters, and I + called a soldier and told him to make a detour behind a piece of woods, + and at a signal from me, the waving of my right arm, to charge directly to + the gate of the hen-house, and hold it against any force that might + attempt to carry it, and to let no guilty man escape. Fifteen years + afterwards Gen. Grant used those self-same words, “Let no guilty man + escape,” and they became historic, but I will take my oath I was the first + commander to use the words, when I sent that man to hold the gate of the + hen-house. That man I denominated the First Division. Farther to the right + was a field of sweet potatoes, in which was a colored man digging the + potatoes. I sent a Dutchman to hold that field, with their right resting + on the left of the First Division, located at the gate of the hen-house, + whose right was supposed to rest on the left of the Iron Brigade, the + Irishman who commanded the ravine. Then I turned my attention to the left + of the battle-field, placed one man at the milk-house, with his left + resting on the right of the Irishman, and a man at the smoke-house. This + left three men, one of whom I appointed an aid de camp, one an orderly and + the other I held as a reserve, at a cotton gin. When I had got my army + into position, I sat under a tree and reflected a little, and concluded + that the Iron Brigade was in rather too exposed a position, so I sent my + aid de camp to order the Iron Brigade to move forward, under cover of the + ravine, and take a position behind a mule-shed. The aide soon returned and + reported that the Iron Brigade had taken off his shirt and kanoodled a + negro woman to wash it for him, and would not be able to move until the + shirt was dry. + </p> + <p> + This altered my plans a little, but I was equal to the emergency, and + ordered my reserve to make a detour and take the mule-shed, and hold it + until relieved by the Iron Brigade, which would be as soon as his shirt + was dry, and then to report to me on the field. Then I took my aide and + orderly, and galloped around the lines, to see that all was right. I found + that the First Division, holding the gate of the hen-house, was well in + hand, though he had killed five chickens, and had them strapped on his + saddle, and was trying to cut off the head of another with his sabre. He + said he thought I said to let no guilty hen escape. I found the Iron + Brigade dismounted, his shirt hung on a line to dry, and the colored woman + had been pressed into the Federal service, and was frying a chicken for + the Brigade. I told him to get his shirt on as soon as it was dry, and + move by forced marches, to relieve the force holding the mule-shed, and + the Iron Brigade said he would as soon as he had his dinner. I found the + Division composed of the Dutchman, stubbornly holding the sweet-potato + field, and he was eating some boiled ham and corn-bread he had sent the + nigger to the house after, and he had a bushel of sweet-potatoes in a sack + strapped to his saddle. The force at the milk-house had a fine position, + and gave me a pitcher of butter-milk, which I drank with great gusto. I do + not know as there is anything in butter-milk that is stimulating, but + after drinking it my head seemed clearer, and I could see the whole + battle-field, and anticipate each movement I should cause to be made. I + was so pleased with the butter-milk, on the eve of battle, that I ordered + the second Division to fill my canteen with it, which he did. Then I rode + back to my headquarters, where I started from, having ridden clear around + the beleaguered plantation. Presently the reserve returned to me and + reported that he had been relieved by the Iron Brigade at the mule-shed, + whose shirt had become dry, and who had given the reserve a leg of fried + chicken, and a corn dodger. I took the leg of chicken away from my + reserve, eat it with great relish, and prepared for the onslaught, the + reserve picking some persimmons off a tree and eating them for lunch. I + was about to order the different divisions and brigades of my army to + advance from their different positions, and close in on the enemy, when a + colored man came out of the house and moved toward me, signalling that he + would fain converse with me. I struck a dignified attitude, by throwing my + right leg over the pommel of the saddle, like a hired girl riding a + plow-horse to town after a doctor, and waited. When he came up to me, he + said, “Massa wants to know what all dis darn foolishness is about. He says + if you all don't go away from here he will shoot de liver outen you all.” + I told the negro to be calm, and not cause me to resort to extreme + measures, and I asked him if his master was at home. He said he was, and + he was a bad man wid a gun. He had killed plenty of men before the war, + and since the war he had killed more Yankees than enough to build a + rail-fence around the plantation. I did not exactly like the reports in + regard to the enemy. I told the colored man to take a flag of truce to his + master, and tell him I would like an interview. The colored man went to + the house, and I sent for the Iron Brigade to report to me at once, in + light marching order, and the Irishman came riding up without any shirt + on. I caused the Brigade to put on his shirt, when I sent him to the + house, to follow the nag of truce and feel of the enemy. He went to the + house, and was evidently invited in, for he disappeared. I waited half an + hour for him, and as he did not show up, I called the Second Division, and + sent the Dutchman to the house. The Second Division went in, and did not + come out. I ordered the whole right wing of my army to deploy to my + support, and the fellow at the hen-house gate came, and I sent him in + after the Irishman and the Dutchman. He didn't come back, and I sent an + orderly after the force stationed at the milk-house, and he came, and I + sent him, with the same result. It was evident I was frittering away my + command, with no good result, so I looked at my tactics, and decided to + hold a council of war. My aide, orderly, and reserve, three besides + myself, composed the council of war. We three were in favor of ordering up + the other corporal and man from the cross-roads, but I opposed it. I did + not want the other corporal to have any finger in the pie. So I decided + that the four of us would go in a body to the house and demand the + surrender of the rebel captain. We rode down the lane where the other men + had gone, and it was a question whether we ever came back alive. I thought + they had a trap door in the house, which probably let the soldiers down + suddenly into a dungeon. Certainly unless there was something of the kind + my men would have come back. As we dismounted at the door; and walked up + the steps, the door opened and a fine looking rebel officer appeared + smiling. + </p> + <p> + “Come in, Captain, with your men, and join me in a glass of wine,” said + the rebel. + </p> + <p> + I had never been called “Captain” before, and it touched me in a tender + spot. The rebel evidently thought I looked like a captain, and I was + proud. He had probably watched my maneuvers, and the way I handled my men, + and thought I was no common soldier. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't care if I do,” said I, and we walked into a splendid old + room, and were bidden to be seated. + </p> + <p> + “Hello, Corp,” said my Iron Brigade, as he took his legs down from a + table, and poured out a glass of whisky from a bottle near him, “This is + the divil's own place for an aisy life.” + </p> + <p> + “Gorporal,” said my Dutch fellow soldier, as he poured out a glass of + schnapps, “Led me indroduce you mit dot repel. He is a tasy, und don'd you + forgot aboud it. Mishder repel, dot ish der gorporal fun my gumpany.” + </p> + <p> + The rebel smiled and said he was glad to see me, and hoped I was well, and + would I take wine, or something stronger. I took a small glass of wine, + but the rest of the fellows took strong drink, and my Iron Brigade was + already full, and the Dutchman was getting full rapidly. Finally I told + the rebel officer that I did not like to accept a man's hospitality when I + had such an unpleasant duty to perform as to arrest him, but circumstances + seemed to make it necessary. He said that was all right. In times of war + we must do many things that were unpleasant. We took another drink, and + then I told him I was sorry to inconvenience him, but he would have to + accompany me to camp. He said certainly, he had expected to be captured + ever since he saw that the house was surrounded, and while at first he had + made up his mind to take his rifle and kill us all from the gallery of the + house, he had thought better of it, and would surrender without bloodshed. + What was the use of killing any more men? The war was nearly over, and why + not submit, and save carnage. I told him that was the way I felt about it. + Then he said if I would wait until he retired to an adjoining room and + changed his linen, he would be ready. I said of course, certainly, and he + went out of a door. I waited about half an hour, until it seemed to me the + rebel had had time to change all the linen in the state of Alabama. The + Iron Brigade had gone to sleep on a lounge, and the German troop was full + as a goat, and some of the others were beginning to feel the hospitality. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon for intruding,” said I, as I opened the door and walked + into the room the rebel had entered. “Great Scott, he is gone!” + </p> + <p> + My army, all except the Iron Brigade and the Dutchman, followed me, and + the room was empty. A window was up, through which he had escaped. We + searched the house, but there was no rebel captain. On going to the front + door I found that the horse belonging to the iron brigade was gone, and + that the saddle girths of all the other horses had been unbuckled, so we + would be delayed in following him. The Irishman was awakened, and when he + found his horse was gone, he sobered up and went to the pasture and + borrowed a mule to ride. + </p> + <p> + It took us half an hour to fix our saddles, so we could ride, and then we + sadly started for camp. How could I face the major, and report to him that + I had met the rebel captain, talked with him, drank with him, enjoyed his + hospitality, and then let him escape? I felt that my military career had + come to an inglorious ending. “We rode slow, because the Iron Brigade was + insecurely mounted on a slippery bare-backed mule. As we neared the + corporal and one man, that I had left to guard the cross-roads, I noticed + that there was a stranger with them, and on riding closer what was my + surprise to find that it was the rebel captain, under arrest. So the + confounded corporal, whom I had left there so he would be out of the way, + and not get any of the glory of capturing the rebel, had captured him, and + got <i>all</i> the glory. I was hurt, but putting on a bold military air, + like a general who has been whipped, I said: + </p> + <p> + “Ah, corporal, I see my plan has worked successfully. I arranged it so + this prisoner would run right into the trap.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said the corporal, throwing away a melon rind that he had been + chewing the meat off of, “I saw his nibs coming down the road, and I + thought may be he was the one you wanted, so I told him to halt or I would + fill his lungs full of lead pills, and he said he guessed he would halt. + He said it was a nice day, and he was only trying one of the Yankee + cavalry horses, to see how he liked it.” “Here, you murdherin' divil, get + down aff that harse,” said the Iron Brigade, who had got awake enough to + see that the rebel was on his horse. “Take this mule, and lave a dacent + gintleman's harse alone.” + </p> + <p> + The rebel smiled, dismounted, gave the Irishman his horse, mounted the + mule, and we started for camp. I was never so elated in my life as I was + when I rode into camp with that rebel captain beside me on the mule. The + object of the expedition had been accomplished, a little different, it is + true, from what I had expected and planned, but who knew that it was not a + part of my plan to have it turn out as it did? I reflected much, and + wondered if it was right for me to report the capture of the Confederate + and say nothing about the part played by the other corporal. That corporal + was no military strategist, like me. It was just a streak of luck, his + capturing the rebel. He was leaning against the fence where I left him, + eating melons, and the rebel came along, and the corporal quit chewing + melon long enough to obey my orders and arrest the fellow. By all rules of + military law I was entitled to the credit, and I would take it, though it + made me ashamed to do so. How-ever, generals did the same thing. If a + major-general was in command, and ordered a brigadier-general to do a + thing and it was a success, the major-general got the credit in the + newspapers. So I rode into camp and turned my prisoner over to the major + as modestly as possible, with a few words of praise of my gallant command. + Hello, Jim, said the major to the rebel. + </p> + <p> + Hello, Maje, said the rebel. + </p> + <p> + “Better take off them togs now, and join your company, said the major. + </p> + <p> + “I guess so,” said the rebel, and he took off his rebel uniform, and the + major handed him a blue coat and pair of pants, and he put them on. + </p> + <p> + I was petrified. The fact was, the rebel was a sergeant in our regiment, + who had been detailed as a scout, and had been making a trip into the + rebel lines as a spy. I had made an ass of myself in the whole business, + and he would tell all the boys about it. I went back to my company + crushed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I am Detailed to Build a Bridge-It Was a Good Bridge, but + Over the Wrong Stream—The General Appears—I am Crushed, in + Fact Pulverized!—I am Attacked with Rheumatism. +</pre> + <p> + After the episode, related last week, in which I foolishly organized a + regular battle, to capture a supposed rebel, who turned out to be a member + of my own regiment, I expected to be the laughing stock of all the + soldiers, and that my commission as corporal would be taken away from me, + and that I would be reduced to the ranks, and when, the next morning, the + colonel sent for me to come to his tent, it was a stand-off with me + whether I would take to the woods and desert, in disgrace, and never show + up again, or go to the colonel, face the music, and admit that I had made + an ass of myself. Finally I decided to visit the colonel. On the way to + his tent I noticed that our force had been augmented greatly. The road was + full of wagons, the fields near us were filled with infantry and + artillery, and there were fifty wagons or more loaded with pontoons, great + boats, or the frame-work of boats, which were to be covered with canvass, + which was water-proof, and the boats were to be used for bridges across + streams. The colonel had not told me anything about the expected arrival + of more troops, and it worried me a good deal. May be there was a big + battle coming off, and I might blunder into it unconscious of danger, and: + get the liver blowed out of me by a cannon. I felt that the colonel had + not treated me right in keeping me in ignorance of all this preparation. I + went to the colonel's tent and there was quite a crowd of officers, some + with artillery uniforms, several colonels, and one general with a star on + his shoulder straps, and a crooked sword with a silver scabbard, covered + with gold trimmings. I felt quite small with those big officers, but I + tried to look brave, and as though I was accustomed to attending councils + of war. The colonel smiled at me as I came in which braced me up a good + deal. + </p> + <p> + General, this is the sergeant I spoke to you about, said the colonel, as + he turned from a map they had been looking at. I felt pale when the + colonel addressed me as sergeant, and was going to call his attention to + the mistake, when the general said: + </p> + <p> + Sergeant, the colonel tells me that you can turn your hand to almost + anything. What line of business have you worked at previous to your + enlistment? + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess there is nothing that is usually done in a country village + that I have not done. I have clerked in a grocery, tended bar, drove team + on a threshing machine, worked in a slaughter house, drove omnibus, worked + in a-saw-mill, learned the printing trade, rode saw-logs, worked in a + pinery, been brakeman on a freight train, acted as assistant chambermaid + in a livery stable, clerked in a hotel, worked on a farm, been an + auctioneer, edited a newspaper, took up the collection in church, + canvassed for books, been life-insurance agent, worked at bridge-building, + took tintypes, sat on a jury, been constable, been deck-hand on a + steamboat, chopped cord-wood, run a cider-mill, and drove a stallion in a + four-minute race at a county fair.” + </p> + <p> + “That will do,” said the general. “You will be placed in charge of a + pioneer corps, and you will go four miles south, on the road, where a + bridge has been destroyed across a small bayou, build a new bridge strong + enough to cross artillery, then move on two miles to a river you will + find, and look out a good place to throw a pontoon bridge across. The + first bridge you will build under an artillery fire from the rebels, and + when it is done let a squad of cavalry cross, then the pontoon train, and + a regiment of infantry. Then light out for the river ahead of the pontoon + train, with the cavalry. The pioneer corps will be ready in fifteen + minutes.” + </p> + <p> + The colonel told me to hurry up, but I called him out of his tent and + asked him if I was really a sergeant, or if it was a mirage. He said if I + made a success of that bridge, and the command got across, and I was not + killed I would be appointed sergeant. He said the general would try me as + a bridge-builder, and if I was a success he would try me, no doubt, in + other capacities, such as driving team on a threshing machine, and editing + a newspaper. + </p> + <p> + When, I went on after my horse, being pretty proud. The idea of being + picked out of so many non-commissioned officers, and placed in charge of a + pioneer corps, and sent ahead of the army to rebuild a bridge that had + been destroyed, with a prospect of being promoted or killed, was glory + enough for one day, and I rode back to headquarters feeling that the + success of the whole expedition rested on me. If I built a corduroy bridge + that would pass that whole army safely over, artillery and all, would + anybody enquire who built the bridge. Of course, if I built a bridge that + would break down, and drown somebody, everybody would know who built it. + The twenty men were mounted, and ready, and the general told me to go to + the quartermaster and get all the tools I wanted, and I took twenty axes, + ten shovels, two log chains, and was riding away, when the general said: + </p> + <p> + “When you get there, and look the ground over, make up your mind exactly + at what hour and minute you can have the bridge completed, and send a + courier back to inform me, and at that hour the head of the column will be + there, and the bridge must be ready to cross on.” + </p> + <p> + I said that would be all right, and we started out. In about forty minutes + we had arrived, at the bayou, and I called a private soldier who used to + do logging in the woods, and we looked the thing over. The timber + necessary was right on the bank of the stream. + </p> + <p> + “Jim,” I said to the private, “I have got to build a bridge across this + stream strong enough to cross artillery. I shall report to the general + that he can send, along his artillery at seventeen minutes after eight o + clock this evening. Am I right?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Jim, as he looked at the standing timber, at the stream, and + spit some black tobacco juice down on the red ground, “I should make it + thirty-seven minutes after eight. You see, a shell may drop in here and + kill a mule, or something, and delay us. Make it thirty-seven, and I will + go you.” + </p> + <p> + We finally compromised by splitting the difference, and I sent a courier + back to the general, with my compliments, and with the information that at + precisely eight o clock and twenty-seven minutes he could start across. + Then we fell to work. Large, long trees were cut for stringers, and hewn + square, posts were made to prop up the stringers, though the stringers + would have held any weight. Then small trees were cut and flattened on two + sides, for the road-bed, holes bored in them and pegs made to drive + through them into the stringers. A lot of cavalry soldiers never worked as + those men did. Though there was only twenty of them, it seemed as though + the woods were full of men. Trees were falling, and axes resounding, and + men yelling at mules that were hauling logs, and the scene reminded me of + logging in the Wisconsin pineries, only these were men in uniform doing + the work. About the middle of the afternoon we had the stringers across, + when there was a half dozen shots heard down the stream, and bullets began + “zipping” all around the bridge, and we knew the rebels were onto the + scheme, and wanted it stopped. I got behind a tree when the bullets began + to come, to think it over. My first impulse was to leave the bridge and go + back and tell the general that I couldn't build no bridge unless + everything was quiet. That I had never built bridges where people objected + to it. I asked the private what we had better do. He said his idea was to + knock off work on the bridge for just fifteen minutes, cross the stream on + the stringers, and go down there in the woods and scare the life out of + those rebels, drive them away, and make them think the whole army was + after them, then cross back and finish the bridge. That seemed feasible + enough, so about a dozen of us squirreled across the stringers with our + carbines, and the rest went down the stream on our side, and all of us + fired a dozen rounds from our Spencer repeaters, right into the woods + where the rebels seemed to be. When we did so, the rebels must have + thought there was a million of us, for they scattered too quick, and we + had a quiet life for two hours. We had got the bridge nearly completed, + when there was a hissing sound in the air, a streak of smoke, and a powder + magazine seemed to explode right over us. I suppose I turned pale, for I + had never heard anything like it. Says I, “Jim, excuse me, but what kind + of a thing is that?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/175.jpg" + alt="Xcuse Me, But What Kind of a Thing is That? 175 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Jim kept on at work, remarking, O, nothing only they are a shellin on us. + And so that was a shell. I had read of shells and seen pictures of them in + <i>Harper's Weekly</i>, but I never supposed I would hear one. Presently + another came, and I wanted to pack up and go away. I looked at my + pioneers, and they did not pay any more attention to the shells than they + would, to the braying of mules. I asked Jim if there wasn't more or less + danger attached to the building of bridges, in the South, and he, the old + veteran, said: + </p> + <p> + “Corp, don't worry as long as they hain't got our range. Them 'ere shell + are going half a mile beyond us, and we don't need to worry. Just let em + think they are killing us off by the dozen, and they will keep on sending + shells right over us. If we had a battery here to shell back, they would + get our range, and make it pretty warm for us. But now it is all guess + work with them, and we are as safe as we would be in Oshkosh. Let's keep + right on with the bridge.” + </p> + <p> + I never can explain what a comfort Jim's remarks were to me. After + listening to him, I could work right along, driving pegs in the bridge, + and pay no attention to the shells that were going over us. In fact, I lit + my pipe and smoked, and began to figure how much it was going to cost the + Confederacy to “celebrate” that way. It was costing them at the rate of + fourteen dollars a minute, and I actually found myself laughing at the + good joke on the rebels. Pretty soon a courier rode up, from the general, + asking if the shelling was delaying the bridge. I sent word back that it + was not delaying us in the least; in fact, it was hurrying us a little, if + anything, and he could send along his command twenty-seven minutes sooner + than I had calculated, as the bridge would be ready to cross on at eight + o'clock sharp. At a quarter to eight, just as the daylight was fading, and + we had lighted pine torches to see to eat our supper, an orderly rode up + and said the general and staff had been looking for me for an hour, and + were down at the forks of the road. I told the orderly to bring the + general and staff right up to the headquarters, and we would entertain + them to the best of our ability, and he rode off. Then we sat down under a + tree and smoked and played seven up by the light of pine torches, and + waited. I was never so proud of anything in my life, as I was of that + bridge, and it did not seem to me as though a promotion to the position of + sergeant was going to be sufficient recompense for that great feat of + engineering. It was as smooth as though sawed plank had covered it, and + logs were laid on each side to keep wagons from running off. I could see, + in my mind, hundreds of wagons, and thousands of soldiers, crossing + safely, and I would be a hero. My breast swelled so my coat was too tight. + Presently I heard some one swearing down the road, the clanking of sabres, + and in a few moments the general rode into the glare of the torch-light. I + had struck an attitude at the approach of the bridge, and thought that I + would give a good deal if an artist could take a picture of my bridge, + with me, the great engineer, standing upon it, and the head of the column + just ready to cross. I was just getting ready to make a little speech to + the general, presenting the bridge to him, as trustee of the nation, for + the use of the army, when I got a sight of his face, as a torch flared up + and lit the surroundings. It was pale, and if he was not a madman, I never + saw one. He fairly frothed at the mouth, as he said, addressing a soldier + who had fallen in the stream, during the afternoon, and who was putting on + his shirt, which he had dried by a fire: + </p> + <p> + “Where is the corporal, the star idiot, who built that bridge?” + </p> + <p> + I couldn't have been more surprised if he had killed me. This was a nice + way to inquire for a gentleman who had done as much for the country as I + had, in so short a time. I felt hurt, but, summoning to my aid all the + gall I possessed, I stepped forward, and, in as sarcastic a manner as I + could assume, I said: + </p> + <p> + “I am the sergeant, sir, who has wrought this work, made a highway in + twelve hours, across a torrent, and made is possible for your army to + cross.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what do you suppose my army wants to cross this confounded ditch + for? What business has the army got in that swamp over there? You have + gone off the main road, where I wanted a bridge built, and built one on a + private road to a plantation, where nobody wants to cross. This bridge is + of no more use to me than a bridge across the Mississippi river at its + source. You, sir, have just simply raised hell, that's what you have + done.” + </p> + <p> + Talk about being crushed! I was pulverized. I felt like jumping into the + stream and drowning myself. For a moment I could not speak, because I + hadn't anything to say. Then I thought that it would be pretty tough to go + off and leave that bridge without the general's seeing what a good job it + was, so I said: + </p> + <p> + “Well, general, I am sorry you did not give me more explicit instructions, + but I wish you would get down and examine this bridge. It is a daisy, and + if it is not in the right place we can move it anywhere you want it.” + </p> + <p> + That seemed to give the general an idea, and he dismounted and examined + it. He said it was as good a job as he ever saw, and if it was a mile down + the road, across another bayou, where he wanted to cross, he would give a + fortune. I told him if he would give me men enough and wagons enough, I + would move it to where he wanted it, and have it ready by daylight the + next morning. He agreed, and that was the hardest nights work I ever did. + Every stick of timber in my pet bridge had to be taken off separately, and + moved over a mile, but it was done, and at daylight the next morning I had + the pleasure of calling the general and telling him that the bridge was + ready. I thought he was a little mean when he woke up and rubbed his eyes, + and said: + </p> + <p> + “Now, you are sure you have got it in the right place this time, for if + that bridge has strayed away onto anybody's plantation this time, you + die.” + </p> + <p> + The army crossed all right, and I had the proud pleasure of standing by + the bridge until the last man was across, when I rode up to my regiment + and reported to the colonel, pretty tired.{*} He was superintending the + laying of a pontoon bridge across a large river, a few miles from my + bridge, and he said: + </p> + <p> + “George, the general was pretty hot last night, but he was to blame about + the mistake in the location, and he says he is going to try and get you a + commission as lieutenant.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * A few weeks ago I met a member of my old regiment, who is + traveling through the South as agent for a beer bottling + establishment in the North. He was with me when we built the + corduroy bridge twenty-two years ago. As we were talking + over old-times he asked me if I remembered that bridge we + built one day in Alabama, in the wrong place, and moved it + during the night. I told him I wished I had as many dollars + as I remembered that bridge. “Well,” said my comrade, “on + my last trip through Alabama I crossed that bridge, and paid + two bits for the privilege of crossing. A man has + established a toll-gate at the bridge, and they say he has + made a fortune. I asked him how much his bridge cost him, + and he said it didn't cost him a cent, as the Yankees built + it during the war. He said they cut the timber on his land, + and when he got out of the Confederate army he was busted, + and he claimed the bridge, and got a charter to keep a toll- + gate.” My comrade added that the bridge was as sound as it + was when it was built. He said he asked the toll-gate keeper + if he knew the bridge was first built a mile away, and he + said he knew the timber was cut up there, and he wondered + what the confounded Yankees went away off there to cut the + timber for, when they could get it right on the bank. Then + my comrade told the toll-gate keeper that he helped build + the bridge, the rebel thanked him, and wanted to pay back + the two bits. Some day I am going down to Alabama and cross + on that bridge again, the bridge that almost caused me to + commit suicide, and if that old rebel-for he must be an old + rebel now—charges me two bits toll, I shall very likely + pull off my coat and let him whip me, and then as likely as + not there will be another war. +</pre> + <p> + I felt faint, but I said, “How can he recommend a star idiot for a + commissioned office?” + </p> + <p> + “O, that is all right,” said, the colonel, “some of the greatest idiots in + the army have received commisssions.” As he spoke the rebels began to + shell the place where the pontoon bridge was being built, and I went + hunting for a place to borrow an umbrella to hold over me, to ward off the + pieces of shell. Then a battery of our own opened on the rebels, so near + me that every time a gun was discharged I could, feel the roof of my head + raise up like the cover to a band box. It was the wildest time I ever saw. + Cavalry was swimming the river to charge the rebel battery, shells were + exploding all around, and it seemed to me as though if I was to lay a + pontoon bridge I would go off somewhere out of the way, where it would be + quiet. Finally my regiment was ordered to swim the river, and we rode in. + The first lunge my horse made he went under water about a mile, and when + we came up I was not on him, but catching hold of his tail I was dragged + across the river nearly drowned, and landed on the bank like a dog that + has been after a duck I shook myself, we mounted and without waiting to + dry out our clothes we went into the fight, before I could realize it, or + back out. Scared! I was so scared it is a wonder I did not die. That was + more excitement than a county fair. Bullets whizzing, shells shrieking, + smoke stifling, yelling that was deafening. It seemed as though I was + crazy. I must have been or I could never, as a raw recruit, with no + experience, have ridden right toward those guns that were belching forth + sulphur and pieces of blacksmith shop. I didn't dare look anywhere except + right ahead. All thought of being hit by bullets or anything was + completely out of my mind. Occasionally something would go over me that + sounded as though a buzz saw had been fired from a saw mill explosion. + Presently the firing on the rebel side ceased, and it was seen they were + in retreat. I was never so glad of anything in my life. We stopped, and I + examined my clothes, and they were perfectly dry. The excitement and + warmth of the body had acted like a drying-room in a laundry. Then I laid + down under a fence and went to sleep, and dreamed I was in hades, building + a corduroy bridge across the Styx, and that the devil repremanded me for + building it in the wrong place. When I awoke I was so stiff with + rheumatism that I had to be helped up from under the fence, and they put + me in an ambulance with a soldier who had his jaw shot off. He was not + good company, because I had to do all the talking. And in that way we + moved towards the enemy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I am Instructed to Capture and Search a Female Smuggler— + I Protest in Vain—The Terrible Ordeal—Beauty Behind the + Pulpit—Pills, Plasters, Quinine—The Pathetic Letter— + We Meet Under Happier Stars. +</pre> + <p> + It was at this time that the hardest duty that it was my lot to perform + during my service, fell to me, and the only wonder to me is that I am + alive today to tell of it. If I ever get a pension it will be on account + of night sweats, caused by the terrible and trying work that was assigned + to me. One day the colonel sent for me, and I knew at once that there was + something unusual in the wind. After seating myself in his tent he opened + the subject by asking me if I wasn't something of a hand to be agreeable + to the ladies. I told him, with many blushes, that if there was one thing + on this earth that I thought was nicer than everything else, it was a + lady, and that a good woman was the noblest work of God. He said he was on + to all of that, but it wasn't a good woman that he was after. That + startled me a little. I had heard the officers had a habit of fooling + around a good deal with certain females, and I told the colonel that any + duty that I was assigned to I would perform to the best of my poor + ability, but I could not go around with the girls as officers did, because + I couldn't afford it, and it was against my principles, anyway. He showed + me a picture of a beautiful woman, and asked me if I would know her if I + saw her again. I told him I could pick her out of a thousand. He said she + was a smuggler. She had a pass from a general, who seemed to be under her + influence to a certain extent, for some reason, and went in and out of the + lines freely. The general didn't want to order her arrest, because she + would squeal on him, but he wanted her arrested all the same, and the idea + was to have some corporal in charge of a picket post take the + responsibility of arresting her without orders, refuse to recognize her + pass, take the quinine and other medicines, and money away from her, and + then be arrested himself for exceeding his authority. He said they wanted + a corporal who had every appearance of being a big-headed idiot, and yet + who knew what he was about, who knew something about women, and who could + do such a job up in shape, and never let the woman know that the general + or anybody had anything to do with her arrest. The idea was to catch her + in the act of smuggling quinine through the lines to the rebels, by the + act of a fresh corporal who took the matter into his own hands, and who + claimed that the pass she had from the general was a forgery. When the + general could, when the woman was brought before him, be indignant at the + corporal for insulting a woman, and order him arrested, and he could also + go back on the woman, and have her sent away, after which he would release + the corporal, and perhaps promote him, and all would be well. It was as + pretty a scheme as I ever listened to, and I consented to do the duty, + though I wouldn't do it again for a million dollars. The colonel told me + to take four men and go to a particular place on an unfrequented road, + near a school house, and put out a picket. The female would be along + during the afternoon, on horseback, and when she showed her pass, one of + the men must take hold of her horse and hold him, while I kicked about the + pass, made her dismount, and searched her for quinine. I turned ashy pale + when the colonel said that, and I said to him: + </p> + <p> + “Colonel, for heaven's sake don't compel me to search a woman. I have a + family at home, and they will hear of it. My political enemies will use it + against me at home when I run for office, after the war. Let me bring her + here to your tent, and you search her.” + </p> + <p> + “No, that would spoil all,” said the colonel. “We want her searched right + there at the little school house, by a corporal without apparent + authority, and every last quinine pill taken off of her. If she was + brought here she would cry, and rave, and we should weaken, because we + know her, and have been entertained at her house. You are supposed to be a + heartless corporal, with no sentiment, no mercy, no nothing, just a delver + after smuggled quinine. Besides, I too, have a family, and I don't want to + search no females. By the way, one of the general's start saw her last + night, and drew the cartridges from her revolver, and put in some blank + cartridges. If the worst comes, she will draw her revolver on you, and + perhaps fire at you, but there are no balls in her revolver, so you + needn't be afraid.” + </p> + <p> + “But suppose she has two revolvers,” I asked, “and one is loaded with + bullets?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't think she has,” said the colonel. “But we have to take some + chances, you know. Now go right along. Treat her like a lady, disbelieve + everything she says and insist on searching her. The general says she + wears an enormous bustle, and probably that is full of quinine. Use your + judgement, but get it all. Pretend to be an ignorant sort of a corporal + who feels that the success of the war depends on him, act as though you + outranked the general, and tell her you would not let her pass with that + quinine if the general himself was present. Just display plenty gall and + when you have go the quinine, bring the girl here, and I will abuse you, + and you take it like a little man, and all will be well. If she bites and + scratches, some of you will have to hold her, but the best way will be to + argue with her, and persuade her by honied words, to come down with the + quinine. Go!” + </p> + <p> + “One word, colonel, before I go,” I said. “About how many men should you + think it would take to hold this woman? You suggested three, but if one + holds her horse, it seems to me, from my knowledge of female kicking, + biting and scratching, that I would need one man for each arm and foot, + one to hold her head and choke her, if necessary, and one with a roving + commission to work around where he would be apt to make himself useful. + What do you say if I take five men!” + </p> + <p> + “All right, take six,” said the colonel. “One may be disabled, or have his + jaw kicked off, or something. But don't detail anybody to search her. Do + that yourself, and do it like a gentleman. And above all things, do not + let her kanoodle you with soft words and looks of love, because she is + full of em. If she can't scare you, with her indignation at the outrage of + arresting and searching her, she will try to capture you and make you love + her. You must be as firm as adamant. Now hurry up.” + </p> + <p> + I picked out six men, four of whom were young Americans, rather handsome, + and very polite, regular mashers. + </p> + <p> + Then I had an Irishman named Duffy, and a German named Holzmeyer, who was + a butcher. We went out on the road, to the school house, and I put the + Irishman on picket, and instructed the German about taking the horse by + the bridle at the proper time. Then the rest of us got behind the school + house and waited. For two hours we waited, and I had a chance to think + over the situation. Here I was, putting down the rebellion, laying for a + woman, who was loaded. At home, I was a polite man, and full of fun, a + person any lady might be proud to meet and talk with, but here I was + expected to do something, for thirteen dollars a month, to put down the + rebellion, which there was not money enough in the whole state of + Wisconsin to hire me to do. Was it such a crime to carry a little quinine + to a sick friend? Suppose a rebel was sick with ague, and I had quinine, + would I see him shake himself out of his boots and not give him medicine? + No, I would divide my last quinine powder with him. So would any soldier. + If it was not treason to give one rebel a quinine powder, when he was + sick, why should it be treason to take along enough for a whole lot of + sick rebels? Did our government want to put down the rebellion by keeping + medicines away from a sick enemy? Were we to gloat over the number of + rebels who died of disease, that we could save by sending them medicines? + It seemed to me, if I was in command of the army, instead of arresting + women for carrying medicine to their sick brothers, I would load up a + wagon with medicine and send it to them, and say, “Here, you fellows, fire + this quinine down your necks, and get well, and then if you want to fight + any more, come out on the field and we will give you the best turn in the + wheel-house.” It seemed to me that would be the way to win the enemy over, + and that they would be thankful, take the medicine, get well, and then + say, “Boys, these Yankees are pretty good fellows after all. Let's quit + fighting, and call it quits.” But I was not running the war, and had got + to obey orders, if I broke heartstrings and corset strings. I would have + given anything to have got out of the job. The idea of arresting a woman + and searching her, and seeing her cry, and have her think me a + hard-hearted wretch, was revolting, and I found myself wishing she would + take some other road. May be she looked like somebody that I knew at home, + and may be she had a big brother in the Confederate army who would look me + up after the war and everlastingly maul the life out of me for insulting + his sister. I made up my mind if anything of that kind happened I would + tell on the general and the colonel, and get them whipped, too. + </p> + <p> + “Phat the divil is it coming,” said the Irishman. “Corporal of the guaod, + the quane of all the South is coming down the road, riding a high stepper. + Phat will I do, I dunno?” + </p> + <p> + “Stop her,” I yelled with my teeth chattering. + </p> + <p> + “Halt right fhere yez are,” said the Irishman, with a look on his face + that showed he was—well, that he was an Irishman, and had an eye for + beauty. The German had taken the horse by the bit, and I stepped out from + behind the school house. + </p> + <p> + Great heavens, but she was a beautiful woman, and she sat on her horse + like a statue. I had never seen a more beautiful woman. She was a + brunette, with large black eyes, and her face was flushed with the + exercise of riding. + </p> + <p> + She smiled and showed two rows of the prettiest teeth that ever were put + into a female mouth, and one ungloved hand, with which she handed me the + pass had a dimple at every knuckle, and was as white as paper, and soft as + silk. I know it was soft, because it touched my red, freckled hand when I + took the pass. I did not blame the general for being in love with her, or + for wanting to saw off the unpleasant duty of breaking up her smuggling, + on to a poor orphan like me. She said: + </p> + <p> + “Captain, I have a pass from the general, to go through the lines at any + time, unmollested.” + </p> + <p> + “It is no good,” I said, examining it. “This pass is evidently a forgery.” + </p> + <p> + “But, my dear captain,” she said, with a smile that I would give ten + dollars for a picture of, “The pass is not a forgery. I have used it for + months.” + </p> + <p> + “I am not a dear captain, only a cheap corporal,” I said, with an attempt + to be at my ease, which I wasn't. + </p> + <p> + “There has been at least a wagon load of quinine smuggled through the + lines on this pass, and it has got to stop; you cannot go.” + </p> + <p> + “The dickens you say,” said she as she drew her revolver, and sung out, + “let go that horse,” and firing at the German. + </p> + <p> + “Kritz-dunnerwetter,” said the German, as he got down by the horse's fore + feet, and held on to the bridle, “vot vor you choot a man ven he holt your + horse?” + </p> + <p> + “Madame,” I said, “your revolver is loaded with blank cartridges, and you + can do no harm. Try another one on the Irishman.” + </p> + <p> + “Hold on,” said the Irishman, “and don't experiment on a poor man who has + a wife and six children. Shoot the corporal.” + </p> + <p> + But I had reached up and taken the revolver from her, and she was weak as + a kitten. Her nerve had forsaken her, and when I told her to dismount she + was like a rag, and had to be helped down. If she was beautiful before, + now that she had started her tear mill, she was ravishingly radiant, and I + felt like a villain. She leaned on my shoulder, and it was the loveliest + burden a soldier ever held. I seated her on the steps of the schoolhouse, + and I thought she would faint, but she didn't. She was evidently taken by + surprise, and wanted a little time to think it over, and form a plan. So + did I. As I looked her over, and thought what I was expected to do, I + wondered where it would be best to commence. She began to recover, smiled + at me and asked me to have the other soldiers go away, so she could talk + with me. I wished she wouldn't smile like that, because it unnerved me. + She asked me what I was going to do with her, what caused me to suspect + her, if I would not believe her if she told me she was not a smuggler, if + I had orders to arrest her, and all that. I said, “Madame, my orders are + to arrest all quinine smugglers, and you are one. I am Hawkshaw, the + detective. For months I have shadowed you, and I know you have concealed + about your person a whole drug store. In that innocent looking bustle I + feel that there is quinine for the million. Your heaving bosom contains, + besides love for your friends and hatred of your enemies, a storehouse of + useful medicines, contraband of war. In your stockings there is much that + would interest the seeker after the truth, your corset that fits you so + beautifully is liable to be full of revolver cartridges, while in your + shoes there may be messages to the rebels. I shall search you from Genesis + to Revelations, and may the Lord have mercy on both of us. To begin, + please let me examine the hat you have on.” + </p> + <p> + With some reluctance she took off a sort of half-stovepipe hat, and + covered her face with her handkerchief while I looked into it. I found a + package of newly printed confederate bonds, and a quantity of court + plaster. That settled it. She cried a little, and wanted to go into the + schoolhouse. I went in with her, and two of my soldiers. + </p> + <p> + I told her that it was a duty that was pretty tough, but it was necessary + for her to disrobe, as I must have every article she had. She cried, and + said if I searched her, or molested her, I would do it at my peril, and + that I wouldn't know how to go to work to take off her clothes, anyway, + and that I ought to be ashamed of myself. I told her I felt as ashamed as + any gentleman could, and though I knew little about the details of the + female apparel, I had some general ideas about bustles, polonaise, socks, + skirts, and so forth, and while I might be awkward, and uncouth, and + nervous, as long as there were buttons to unbutton, hooks to unhook, and + safety-pins to unpin, I thought I could eventually get to the quinine, if + she would give me time, and I did not faint by the wayside, but my idea + was that it would save all trouble, her modesty would not receive a shock, + nor mine either, if she would go behind the little pulpit in the + schoolhouse, out of sight of us, take off her clothes, and hand them over + the pulpit to us to examine. She said she would die first, besides, she + knew we would peek around the pulpit at her. I was getting very nervous, + and perspiring a good deal, and wishing it was over, and I swore, upon my + honor, that if she would go behind the pulpit and disrobe, she should be + as safe from intrusion as though she was in her own room. She swore she + would not, and I went up to her to commence unraveling the mystery. Her + dress hooked up in the back, which I always <i>did</i> think a great + nuisance, and I began to unhook it. I wondered that she stood so quietly + and let me unhook it, but after it was unhooked from the neck to the small + of her back, and I was wishing I was dead, she said: + </p> + <p> + “There, now that you have got my dress unhooked, a feat I never could + accomplish myself, I will go behind the pulpit and take off my dress, if + you will promise not to look, and that you will help me hook up my dress + when this cruel quinine war is over.” + </p> + <p> + I told her by the great Jehosephat, and the continental congress, I would + help her, and that I would kill anybody who looked, and she went behind + the schoolhouse pulpit, where a country preacher, very likely, preached on + Sundays, and bent over out of sight, and it wasn't half a minute before + she handed the dress over to me. In the pockets I found several papers of + some kind of medicine, and a few small bottles, sealed up with red + sealing-wax. + </p> + <p> + “Now, the bustle, please, I said, in a voice trembling with emotion. + </p> + <p> + “Take your old bustle,” she said, as she whacked it on the top of the + pulpit. + </p> + <p> + Well, if anybody had told me that a bustle could be made to hold stuff + enough to fill a bushel-basket, I would not have believed it. We filled + three nose-bags, such as cavalrymen feed horses in, with paper packages + and bottles of quinine. There were thirty bottles of pills, and salves and + ointments, and plasters. + </p> + <p> + “This is panning out first rate,” I said, with less emotion. The emotion + was somehow getting out of me, and the affair was becoming more of a + mercantile transaction. It was like a young druggist going from the side + of his beloved, to the drug store, to take an inventory. “Now hand out + that other lot.” + </p> + <p> + She evidently knew what I referred to, for she handed out over the pulpit + a package just exactly the shape of what I had supposed, in my guileless + innocence, was a portion of the female form. That is, I had suspected it + was not all human form, but didn't know. That was also full of medicines, + of which quinine was the larger part, though there was about a pint of gun + caps. + </p> + <p> + “Speaking about stockings,” I said, “please take them off and hand them + over.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/185.jpg" + alt="Two Very Long Stockings, Came over the Pulpit 185 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + She kicked about taking off her shoes and stockings, and said no gentleman + would compel a lady to do that. I said I would wait about two minutes, and + then, if it was too much trouble for her to take them off, I would come + around the pulpit and help. Bless you, I wouldn't have gone for the world, + as I was already more than satisfied with what I had found. She said I + needn't trouble myself, as she guessed she could take off her shoes + without my help. I heard her unlacing her shoes, and pretty soon two + dainty shoes and two very long stockings, came over the pulpit, the heel + of one shoe hitting me in the ear. As I picked up the shoes I heard the + crumpling of a letter behind the pulpit, and I told her I must have all + the messages she had. She said it was only a letter to one she loved. I + told her I must have it, and she handed it over. I read, “My darling + husband,” and handed it back, saying I would not pry into her family + secrets. She began to cry, and insisted on my reading it, which I did. It + was to her husband, an officer in the Confederate army, and was about as + follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My Darling Husband:—This life of deception is killing me. + I want to do all in my power to help our cause, but I am + each day more nervous, and liable to detection. The Yankee + officers are frequently at our house, and I have to treat + them kindly, but it is all I can do to keep from crying, and + I am expected to laugh. I fear that I am suspected of + smuggling, as the subject is frequently brought up in + conversation, and I feel my face burn, though I try hard not + to show it. I think of you, away off in Virginia, with your + armless sleeve, our children in New Orleans, and I wonder if + we will ever be united again. O, God, when will this all + end. I have no fault to find with the Federal troops. The + officers are very kind and through one fatherly general I am + allowed to pass into our lines. I feel that I am betraying + his kindness every trip I make, and only the urgent need + that our dear boys have for medicines could induce me to do + as I do. After this trip I shall go to New Orleans,{*} + where I fear Madge is sick, as shew as not at all well the + last I heard from her. Pray earnestly, my dear husband, + every day, as I do, that this trouble may end soon, some + way, and I beg of you not to have a feeling of revenge in + your heart towards your enemies, on account of the loss of + your arm, as there are thousands of federals similarly + afflicted. I shall love you more, and I will wrap your empty + sleeve about my neck, and try never to miss the strong arm + that was my support. Adieu. + + “Your loving wife.” + </pre> + <p> + That letter knocked me out in one round. I had begun to enjoy the + unpacking of the smuggled goods, and the discomfiture of my female + smuggler, but when I read that loving letter, breathing such a Christian + spirit, and thought of the poor wife-mother behind the pulpit unravelling + herself, I was ashamed, and I said to myself, “she shall not take off + another rag. So I handed back the letter and the dress, and all of the + things she had taken off, and I said: + </p> + <p> + “Put everything right back onto yourself, and come out at your leisure, + and we took the medicines and went out of the schoolhouse. Presently She + came out, and I told her it was my duty to take her back to headquarters, + but if she had no objections to my taking the letter to the general, with + the medicines, she could go back to the house where she boarded, and I + thought if she took the first boat for New Orleans, it would be all right, + and I would see that the letter was sent through the lines to her husband. + I helped her on her horse, and I said: + </p> + <p> + “You can escape. Your horse is better than ours, and though you are a + prisoner, we would not shoot at you if you tried to escape. I hope your + prayers will have the effect you desire, and that the trouble will soon be + over. I hope you will and the children well, and that the husband will be + spared to be a comfort to you.” + </p> + <p> + She bowed her head, as she sat in the saddle, and the look of defiance + which she had shown, was gone, and one of thankfulness, peace, hope, + purity, took its place. She handed me the letter, and asked: + </p> + <p> + “Can I go?” + </p> + <p> + I told, her she was free to go. She turned her horse; towards town, + touched him with the whip, and he was; away like the wind. I stood for two + minutes, watching her, when I was recalled to my senses by the Irishman, + who said: + </p> + <p> + “Fhat are we to do wid the quinane and the gun caps?” We packed the + smuggled goods in our saddle-bags and elsewhere, and rode back to + headquarters. The colonel and the general were in the colonel's tent, and + I took the “stuff” in and reported all the occurrences. + </p> + <p> + “But where is the lady?” inquired the general, after reading the letter + and wiping his eyes. + </p> + <p> + “As we were about to start back,” said I, “after taking the smuggled goods + from her, she gave her horse the whip, and rode away. I had no orders to + shoot a woman, and I let her go.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank God,” said the general. “That's the best way,” said the colonel. + “She will quit smuggling and go to her children.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *Eighteen months after the lady rode away from me, “leaving” + her quinine, I was in New Orleans, to be mustered in as + Second Lieutenant, having received a commsssion. I had + bought me a fine uniform, and thought I was about as cunning + a looking officer as ever was. I was walking on Canal + street, looking in the windows, and finally went into a + store to buy some collars. A gentleman came in with a gray + uniform on, and one sleeve empty. He was evidently a + Confederate officer. He asked me if I did not belong to a + certain cavalry regiment, and if my name was not so and so. + I told him he was correct. He told me there was a lady in an + adjoining store that wanted to see me. I did not know a + soul, that is, a female soul, in New Orleans, but I went + with him. Any lady that wanted to see me, in my new uniform, + could see me. As we entered the store a lady left two little + girls and rushed up to me, threw her arms around my neck and + —(say, does a fellow have to tell everything, when he writes + a war history?) Well, she was awfully tickled to see me, and + she was my smuggler, the Confederate was her husband, and + the children were hers. The officer was as tickled as she + was, and they compelled me to go to their house to dinner, + and I enjoyed it very much. We talked over the arrest of the + “female smuggler,” and she said to her husband, “Pa, it + was an awfully embarrassing situation for me and this + Yankee, but he treated me like a lady, and the only thing I + have to find fault about, is that he forgot to help me hook + up my dress, and I rode clear to town with it unhooked.” The + Confederate had been discharged at the surrender, and I was + on my way to Texas, to serve another year, hunting Indians. + I left them very happy, and as I went out of their door she + wrapped his empty sleeve around her waist, drew the children + up to her, and said, “Mr. Yankee, may you always be very + happy.” + </pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Female Smuggler Episode Makes Me Famous—I am Sent Forth + in Women's Clothes—My Interview with the Bad Corporal—A + Fist Fight—The Rebellion is Put Down Once More—I Reveal My + Identity. +</pre> + <p> + It was not twenty-four hours before the news spread all over my regiment, + as well as several other regiments, that a certain corporal had captured a + female smuggler, while on picket, had searched her on the spot and found a + large quantity of quinine and other articles contraband of war, and there + was a general desire to look upon the features of a man, not a + commissioned officer who had gall enough to search a female rebel, from + top to toe, without orders from the commanding officer, and I was + constantly being visited by curiosity-seekers, who wanted to know all + about it. Of course it was not known that I had been ordered to do as I + did, and they all wondered why I was not made an example of; and many + privates, corporals and sergeants wondered if they would get out of it so + easily if they should do as I did. There were a great many women passing + through the lines, and I am sure many soldiers decided that the first + woman who attempted to pass through would get searched. It was talked + among the men, and for a day or two a lady would certainly have stood a + poor show to have rode up to a picket post with a pass to go outside. The + soldiers had so long been away from female society that it would have been + a picnic for them to have captured a suspicious looking woman who was + pretty. I was pointed out, down town, as the man who captured the woman + loaded with quinine, and women with rebel tendencies would look at me as + though I was a bold, bad man that ought to be killed, and they acted as + though they would like to eat me. But I tried to appear modest, and not as + though I had done anything I was particularly proud of. The next evening + the colonel sent for me and said he had got something for me to do that + required nerve. I told him that my experience in putting down the + rebellion had shown me that the whole thing required nerve. That I had + been on my nerve until my nerves were pretty near used up, and I asked him + if he couldn't let some of the other boys do a little of the nervous work. + He said he had one more woman job that he would like to have me undertake. + </p> + <p> + I was sick of the whole woman business, and told him I did not want to be + aggravated any more; that arresting women and searching them, was nothing + but an aggravation, and I wanted to be let out. He said in this case I + would not have to arrest anybody of the female persuasion, but that I + would have to be arrested, and that it would be the greatest joke that + ever was. I told him if there was any joke about it he could count me in. + Then he went on to say that my success with the female smuggler had + excited all the boys to emulate my deeds, and they were all laying for a + female smuggler, and that he feared it wouldn't be safe for a woman to be + caught on the picket line. There had got to be a stop put to it, and he + and the general had thought of a scheme. He said there was a corporal in + one of the companies who had made his brags that he would arrest the first + female that came to his picket post, and search her for smuggled goods, + and they wanted to make an example of him. He asked me if I wasn't + something of a boxer, and I told him for a light weight I was considered + pretty good. Then he asked me if I could ride on a side saddle. I told him + I could ride anything, from a hobby to an elephant. He said that was all + right, and I would fill the bill. Then he went into details. I was to go + to the town with him, and be fitted out with a riding habit of the female + persuasion, false hair, side saddle, and a bustle as big as a bushel + basket. That I was to ride out on a certain road, where the corporal would + be on picket with two men. He would stop me, and search me, I was to cry, + and beg, and all that, but finally submit to be searched, and after the + corporal had got started to search me, I was to haul off and give him one + “biff” in the nose, another if it was necessary to knock him down, paste + one of the men in the ear, if he showed any impudence, jump on my horse + and come back to town, and leave the corporal to find his mistake. + </p> + <p> + I didn't half like the idea of dressing up in such a masquering costume, + but of course if I could help put down the rebellion that way, it was my + duty to do it, and besides, I had a grudge against that corporal, anyway, + because he called me a “jay” and a “substitute,” and a “drafted man,” when + I came to the regiment. The colonel took me to the residence of a lady + friend who rode on horseback a good deal, and as he let her into the + secret, she helped fix me up. All I had to do was to remove my cavalry + jacket, and she put the dress on over my head. I always supposed they put + on these dresses the same as men put on pants, by walking into them feet + first, but she said they went over the head. I felt as though my pants + were going to show, but she gave me some instructions about keeping the + dress down, and I began to feel a good deal like a woman. The dress fit me + around the waist as though it was made for me, and when it was all + buttoned up in front I felt stunning. She and the colonel made a bustle + out of newspapers, and a small sofa cushion of eider down was placed where + it would do the most good. After the dress was all fixed, she got a wig + and put it on my head, and a hat, with a feather in it, and then pinned a + veil on the hair, so it reached down to my rose-bud mouth. Then she took a + powder arrangement and powdered my face, put on a pair of long gauntlets + which she usually wore, and told me to look in the glass. When I looked + into the glass I almost fainted. The deception was so good that it would + have fooled the oldest man in the world. + </p> + <p> + The colonel said he was almost inclined to fall in love with me himself, + and he did put his arm around me and squeeze me, but I didn't notice any + particular feeling, such as I did when his lady friend was fooling around + me. That was different. Well, I was an inveterate smoker at that time, so + I took my pipe and a bag of tobacco, and put it in a pocket of the dress, + and some matches, and we went out doors. The colonel took my tiny number + eight boot in his hand and tossed me lightly into the saddle, then he + mounted his own horse and we rode around the suburbs of the town, so I + could get used to the side-saddle. I got him to stop behind a fence and + let me have a smoke out of my pipe, and then I told him I was ready. He + gave me a pass, and told me to go out on the road the corporal was on, and + if he let me pass out of the lines to go on to a turn in the road, where a + squad of our men were on a scout, and to report to the officer in charge, + who would bring me in all right, by another road, but if the corporal + attempted to search me, to do as I had been told to do. After I had + knocked the corporal down, if I would give a yell, the officer who was + outside would come and arrest us all and bring us to headquarters, where + the colonel could reprimand the corporal, etc. I threw a kiss to the + colonel and started out on the road. It was about a mile to the picket + post, and I had time to reflect on my position. This was putting down the + rebellion at a great rate. I was an ostensible female, liable to be + insulted at any moment, but I would maintain the dignity of my alleged sex + if I didn't lay up a cent. I put on a proud, haughty look, full of purity + and all that, and as I neared the picket post, I saw the corporal step out + into the road, and as I came up he told me to halt. I halted, and handed + him my pass, but he said it was a forgery, and ordered me to dismount. I + turned on the water, from my eyes, and began to cry, but it run off the + bad corporal like water off a duck. + </p> + <p> + “None of your sniveling around me,” said the vile man. “Get down off that + horse.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” I said, with well feigned indignation, “you would not molest a poor + girl who has no one to defend her. Let me go I prithe.” + </p> + <p> + I had read that, “Let me go I prithe,” in a novel, and it seemed to me to + be the proper thing to say, though I couldn't hardly keep from laughing. + </p> + <p> + “Prithe nothing,” said the corporal. “What you got in that bustle?” said + the corporal. + </p> + <p> + “Bustle,” I said, blushing so you could have touched a match to my face. + “Why speak of such a thing in the presence of a lady. I want you to let me + go or I shall think you are real mean, so now. Please, Mr. Soldier, let me + go,” and I smiled at him and winked with my left eye in a manner that + ought to have paralyzed a marble statue. “O, what you giving us,” said the + vile man. “Get down off that horse and let me go through you for quinine. + Do you hear?” + </p> + <p> + I was afraid if he helped me down he would see my boots or pants, which + would be a give-away. So I gathered my dress in my hands and jumped down + in pretty good shape. I had sparred with the corporal several times in + camp, and I knew I could knock him out easy, and I made up my mind that + the first indignity he offered me I would just “lam him one. It was all I + could do to keep from pasting him in the nose, when I first landed on the + ground, but I had a part to play, and it would not do to go off half + cocked. So I looked sad, pouted my lips, and wondered if he would kiss me, + and feel the beard where I had been shaved. + </p> + <p> + “Now, shuck yourself,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Do what? I asked, with apparent alarm. + </p> + <p> + “Peel,” said he, as he put his hand on my back, + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” I said with my eyes flashing fire, and my heart throbbing, and + almost bursting with suppressed laughter, “you are insolent. I am a poor + orphan, unused to contact with coarse men. I have been raised a pet, and + no vile hand has ever been laid upon me until you just touched me. If you + touch me I shall scream. I shall call for help. What would you do, you + wicked, naughty man.” + </p> + <p> + “Unbutton,” said he as he pointed to my dress in front. “Call for help and + be darned. You are a smuggler, and I know it.” + </p> + <p> + “O, my God,” said I, with a stage accent, “has it come to this? Am I to be + robbed of all I hold dear, by a common Yankee corporal. Has a woman no + rights which are to be respected? Am I to be murdered in cold bel-lud, + with all my sins upon my head. O, Mr. Man, give me a moment to utter a + silent prayer.” + </p> + <p> + “O, hush,” said he, “and hold up your hands. There ain't going to be any + bel-lud. All I want is to go through you for quinine.” + </p> + <p> + “Spare me, I beseech you,” I said, as I held up my hands, and got in + position to knock him silly the first move he made. “I am no walking drug + store, I am a good girl.” Around my awful form I draw an imaginary circle. + “Step but one foot within that sacred circle, and on thy head I launch the + cu-r-r-r-se of Rome, Georgia.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/203.jpg" + alt="Gave a Yell That Could Have Been Heard A Mile 203 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Let up on this Shakespeare, and get to busiess, said the corporal, as he + reached up to my neck to unbutton the top button of my dress. He was + looking at my dress, and wondering what he would find concealed within, + when I brought down both fists and took him with one in each eye, with a + force that would have knocked a mule down. He fell backwards, and gave a + yell that could have been heard a mile. Then one of his men started for me + and I knocked him in the ear, and he fell beside the corporal. The other + man was going to come for his share, when the officer who had been + stationed outside the lines rode up with his men and asked what was the + matter. The soldier-who was not hit said I had assassinated the corporal. + The officer said that was wrong, and women who would go around killing off + the Union army with their fists ought to be arrested. Just then the + corporal raised up on his elbow and tried to open two of the blackest eyes + that ever were seen. Turning to the officer, he said: + </p> + <p> + “That woman is a smuggler, and she struck me with a brick house! + </p> + <p> + “Ancient female,” said the officer, looking at me and laughing, “why do + you go around like a besum of destruction, wiping out armies, one man at a + time. You ought to be ashamed of myself, and you should be muzzled. + </p> + <p> + “Don't call me a female,” said I, in my natural hoarse voice. “That is + something that I will not submit to.” + </p> + <p> + The corporal looked up at me with one eye, the other being almost closed + from the effects of the fall of the brick house. He looked as though he + smelled woolen burning, as the old saying is. The officer said he guessed + he would take us all to headquarters, and inquire into the affair. The + corporal said that there was nothing to inquire into. That this female + came along and insisted on going outside of the lines, and when he asked + her, in a polite manner, to show her pass, she struck him down with a + billy, or some weapon she had concealed about her person. + </p> + <p> + “You are not much of a liar, either,” said I, jumping on to my horse + astraddle, like a man. + </p> + <p> + The corporal looked at me as though he would sink, but he maintained that + he had done nothing that should offend the most fastidious female. The + corporal and his men mounted, and we all started for headquarters. I rode + beside the officer, and the corporal was right behind me. After we had got + started I pulled out my pipe, filled it, lit a match as soldiers usually + do, though it was quite unhandy, and began to smoke. As the tobacco smoke + rolled out under my veil, from the alleged rosebud mouth, the scene was + one that the corporal and the most of the men had never thought of, though + the officer was “on” all right enough. The corporal could hardly believe + his eyes, or one eye, for the other one had gone closed. I was a fine + enough looking female as we rode through the regiment, except the pipe, + which I puffed along just as though I had no dress on. As we rode up to + the colonel's tent, it was noised around that a scout had captured a + daring female rebel, and she had almost killed a corporal, and the whole + regiment gathered around the colonel's tent. + </p> + <p> + “What is the trouble, corporal?” asked the colonel of my black-eyed + friend. + </p> + <p> + “Well this woman wanted to go outside, and when I objected, she knocked me + down with a rail off a fence.” + </p> + <p> + “And you offered her no indignity?” the colonel asked. + </p> + <p> + “Not in the least,” said the corporal. + </p> + <p> + Then the colonel asked me to tell my story, which I did. The corporal said + it was a lie, but the other man, whom I did not hit, said I was right. + </p> + <p> + “Can you disrobe, before these soldiers, without getting off your horse?” + asked the colonel, looking at me. + </p> + <p> + I told him I could and he told me to proceed. I pulled the hat and hair + off first and appeared with my red hair clipped short. I then I threw the + dress over my head, and appeared in my cavalry pants, all dressed, except + my jacket and cap, which the colonel handed me, having brought it from the + house where I put on the dress. I put on the jacket, wiped the powder off + my face, and the corporal said: + </p> + <p> + “It's that condemned raw recruit.” + </p> + <p> + All the boys took in the transformation scene, and then the colonel told + them that he wanted this to be a lesson to all of them, to let all women + who came to the picket posts, or anywhere, who had passes, alone, and not + think because one woman had been caught smuggling, that all women were + smugglers. In fact he wanted every soldier to mind his own business. Then + he dismissed us, and we went to our quarters. On the way, the one-eyed + corporal touched me on the arm, and he said: + </p> + <p> + “Old man, you played it fine on me, but I will get even with you yet.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Military Attire—My Suit of Government Clothes—The Memory + of Them Saddens Me Still—The Dreadful March—The Adjutant + Appoints Me to Make Out a Monthly Report—The Report Is an + Astonishing One. +</pre> + <p> + About this time I received the greatest shock of the whole war. I had + prided myself upon my uniform that I brought from home, which was made by + a tailor, and fit me first rate. It was of as good cloth and as well made + as the uniforms of any of the officers, and I was not ashamed to go out + with a party of officers on a little evening tear, because there was + nothing about my uniform to distinguish me from an officer, except the + shoulder-straps, and many officers did not wear shoulder-straps at all, + except on dress parade or inspection. I took great pleasure in riding + around town, wherever the regiment was located, looking wise, and posing + as an officer. But the time came when my uniform, which came with me as a + recruit, became seedy, and badly worn, and it was necessary to discard it, + and draw some clothing of the quartermaster. That is a trying time for a + recruit. One day it was announced that the quartermaster sergeant had + received a quantity of clothing, and the men were ordered to go and draw + coats, pants, hats, shoes, overcoats, and underclothing, as winter was + coming on, and the regiment was liable to move at any time. Something + happened that I was unable to be present the first forenoon that clothing + was issued, and, when I did call upon the quartermaster-sergeant, there + was only two or three suits left, and they had been tumbled over till they + looked bad. I can remember now how my heart sank within me, as I picked up + a pair of pants that was left. They were evidently cut out with a + buzz-saw, and were made for a man that weighed three hundred. I held them + up in installments, and looked at them. Holding them by the top, as high + as I could, and the bottom of the legs of the pants laid on the ground. + The sergeant charged the pants to my account, and then handed me a jacket, + a small one, evidently made for a hump-backed dwarf. The jacket was + covered with yellow braid. O, so yellow, that it made me sick. The jacket + was charged to me, also. Then he handed me some undershirts and drawers, + so coarse and rough that it seemed to me they must have been made of rope, + and lined with sand-paper. Then came an overcoat, big enough for an + equestrian statue of George Washington, with a cape on it as big as a wall + tent. The hat I drew was a stiff, cheap, shoddy hat, as high as a tin camp + kettle, which was to take the place of my nobby, soft felt hat that I had + paid five dollars of my bounty money for. The hat was four sizes too large + for me. Then I took the last pair of army shoes there was, and they + weighed as much as a pair of anvils, and had raw-hide strings to fasten + them with. Has any old soldier of the army ever forgotten the clothing + that he drew from the quartermaster? These inverted pots for hats, the + same size all the way up, and the shoes that seemed to be made of sole + leather, and which scraped the skin off the ankles. O, if this government + ever does go to Gehenna, as some people contend it will, sometime, it will + be as a penalty for issuing such ill-fitting shoddy clothing to its brave + soldiers, who never did the government any harm. I carried the lot of + clothing to my tent, feeling sick and faint. The idea of wearing them + among folks was almost more than I could bear to think of. I laid them on + my bunk, and looked at them, and “died right there.” That hat was of a + style older than Methuselah. O, I could have stood it, all but the hat, + and pants, and shoes, but they killed me. While I was looking at the + lay-out, and trying to make myself believe that my old clothes that I + brought with me were good enough to last till the war was over, though the + seat of the pants, and the knees, and the sleeves of the coat were nearly + gone, an orderly came through the company and said the regiment would have + a dismounted dress parade at sundown, and every man must wear his new + clothes. Ye gods! that was too much! If I could have had a week or ten + days to get used to those new clothes, one article at a time, I could have + stood it, but to be compelled to put the pants, and jacket, shoes and hat + on all at once, was horrible to think of, and if I had not known that a + deserter was always caught, and punished, I would have deserted. But the + clothes must be put on, and I must go out into the world a spectacle to + behold. Believing that it is better to face the worst, and have it over, I + put on the pants first. If I could ever meet the army contractor who + furnished those pants to a government almost in the throes of dissolution, + I would kill him as I would an enemy of the human race. There was room + enough in those pants for a man and a horse. Yes, and a bale of hay. There + were no suspenders furnished to the men, and how to keep the pants from + falling from grace was a question, but I got a piece of tent rope, cut a + hole in the waist band, and run the rope around inside, and tied it around + my waist, puckering the top of the pants at proper intervals. + </p> + <p> + When I think of those pants now, after twenty-two years, I wonder that I + was not irretrievably lost in them. I would have been lost if I had not + stuck out of the top. But when I looked at the bottoms of the pants I + found at least a foot too much. If I had tied the rope around under my + arms, or buttoned them to my collar button, they would have been too long + at the bottom. I finally rolled them up at the bottom, and they rolled + clear up above my knees. But how they did bag around my body. There was + cloth enough to spare to have made a whole uniform for the largest man in + the regiment. At that time I was a slim fellow, that weighed less than 125 + pounds, and there is no doubt I got the largest pair of pants that was + issued in the whole Union army. I only had a-small round mirror in my + tent, so I could not see how awfully I looked, only in installments, but + to a sensitive young man who had always dressed well, any one can see how + a pair of such pants would harrow up his soul. If the pants were too + large, you ought to have seen the jacket. The contractor who made the + clothes evidently took the measure of a monkey to make that jacket. It was + so small that I could hardly get it on. The sleeves were so tight that the + vaccination marks on my arm must have shown plainly. The sleeves were too + short, and my hands and half of my forearm riding outside. The body was so + tight that I had to use a monkey-wrench to button it, and then I couldn't + breathe without unbuttoning one button. It was so tight that my ribs + showed so plain they could be counted. + </p> + <p> + I stuffed some pieces of grain sack in the shoes, and got them on, and + tied them, put on that awful hat, the bugle sounded to fall in, and I fell + out of my tent towards the place of assembly, with my carbine. If we had + been going out mounted, I could have managed to hide some of the pants + around the saddle, if I could have got my shoe over the horse's back, but + to walk out among men, stubbing my shoes against each other, and + interfering and knocking my ankles off, was pretty hard. The company was + about formed when I fell out of my tent, and when the men saw me they + snickered right out. I have heard a great many noises in my time that took + the life out of me. + </p> + <p> + The first shell that I heard whistle through the air, and shriek, and + explode, caused my hair to raise, and I was cold all up and down my spine. + The first flock of minnie bullets that sang about my vicinity caused my + flesh to creep and my heart's blood to stand still. Once I was near a saw + mill when the boiler exploded, and as the pieces of boiler began to rain + around me, I felt how weak and insignificant a small, red-headed, + freckled-faced man is. Once I heard a girl say “no,” when I had asked her + a civil question, and I was so pale and weak that I could hardly reply + that I didn't care a continental whether she married me or not, but I + never felt quite so weak, and powerless, and ashamed, and desperate as I + did when I came out, falling over myself and the men of my company + snickered at my appearance. The captain held his hand over his face and + laughed. I fell in at the left of my company, and the captain went to the + right and looked down the line, and seeing my pants out in front about a + foot, he ordered me to stand back. I stood back, and he looked at the rear + of the line, and I stuck out worse behind, and he made me move up. Finally + he came down to where I was and told me to throw out my chest. I tried to + throw it out, and busted a button off, but the pressure was too great, and + my chest went back. Finally the captain told me I could go to the right of + the company and act as orderly sergeant on dress parade. He said as our + company was on the right of the regiment, they could dress on my pants, + and I wouldn't be noticed. + </p> + <p> + What I ought to have done, was to have committed suicide right there, but + I went to the right, trying to look innocent, and we moved off to the + field for dress parade. Everything went on well enough, except that in + coming to a “carry arms,” with my carbine, from a present, the muzzle of + the carbine knocked off my stiff hat, and the stock of the carbine went + into the pocket of my pants and run clear down my leg, before I could + rescue it. A file closer behind me picked up my hat and put it on me, with + the yellow cord tassels in front, and before I could fix it, the order + came, “First sergeants to the front and center, march.” Those who are + familiar with military matters, know that at dress parade the first + sergeants march a few paces to the front, then turn and march to the + center of the regiment, turn and face the adjutant, and each salutes that + officer in turn, and reports, “Co. ——, all present or + accounted for.” That was the hardest march I ever had in all of my army + experience. I knew that every eye of every soldier in the six companies at + the right of the regiment, would be on my pants, and the officers would + laugh at me, and the several hundred ladies and gentlemen from town, who + were back of the colonel, witnessing the dress parade, would laugh, too. A + man can face death, in the discharge of his duty, better than he can face + the laughter of a thousand people. I seemed to be the only soldier in the + whole regiment who had not got a pretty good fit in drawing his new + clothes, but I was a spectacle. As I marched to the front, with the other + eleven first sergeants, and stood still for them to dress on me, I felt as + though the piece of tent rope with which I had fastened my large pants up, + was becoming untied, and I began to perspire. What would become of me if + that rope <i>should</i> become untied? If that rope gave way, it seemed to + me it would break up the whole army, stampede the visitors, and cause me + to be court-martialed for conduct unbecoming any white man. I made up my + mind if the worst came, I would drop my carbine and grab the pants with + both hands, and save the day. At the command, right and left face, I + turned to the left, and I could feel the pants begin to droop, as it were, + so I took hold of the top of them with my left hand, and at the command, + march, I started for the center. + </p> + <p> + I had got almost past my own company, and there had been no general laugh, + but when I passed an Irishman, named Mulcahy, I heard him whisper out loud + to the man next to him, “Howly Jasus, luk at the pants.” Then there was a + snicker all through the company, which was taken up by the next, and by + the time I got to the center, and “front faced,” a half of the regiment + were laughing, and the officers were scolding the men and whispering to + them to shut up. Just then I felt that the one hand that was trying to + hold the pants up, was never going to do the work in the world, so I + dropped my carbine behind me, said, “Co. E, all present or accounted for,” + and stood there like a stoughton bottle, holding the waist-band of those + pants with both hands, as pale as a ghost. I could see that the adjutant + and the colonel and two majors, were laughing, and many of the visitors + were trying to keep from laughing. I think I lived seventy years in five + minutes, while the other eleven orderlies were reporting, and when the + order came to return to our posts, I whispered to the next orderly to me, + and told him if he would pick up my carbine and bring it along, I would + die for him, and he picked it up. The dress parade was soon finished, but + instead of marching the companies back to their quarters, they were + ordered to break ranks on the parade ground, and for an hour I was + surrounded with officers and men, who laughed at me till I thought I would + die. + </p> + <p> + The colonel and adjutant finally told me that it was a put up job on me, + to make a little fun for the boys. They said I had often had fun at the + expense of the other boys, and they wanted to see if I could stand a joke + on myself, and they admitted that I had done it well. If I had known it + was a joke, I could have lived through it better. The adjutant said he had + got a little work for me that evening, and the next morning I could take + my clothes down town to the post quartermaster, and exchange them for a + suit that would fit me. I went to his tent, and he showed me a lot of + company reports, and wanted me to make out a consolidated monthly report, + for the assistant adjutant general of the brigade. I had done some work + for him before, and he left a blank signed by himself and colonel, and + told me to make out a report and send it to the brigade headquarters, as + he was going down town with a party of officers. I made up my mind that I + would get even with the adjutant and the colonel, so I took a pen and + filled out the blank. My idea was to put all the figures in the wrong + column, which I did, and send it to the brigade headquarters. The next + morning I went down town with the quartermaster, and got a suit of clothes + to fit me, and on the way back to camp I passed brigade headquarters, when + I saw our adjutant looking quite dejected. He called to me and said he had + been summoned to brigade headquarters to explain some inaccuracies in the + monthly report sent in the night before, and he wanted me to stay and see + what was the trouble, but I acted as though if there was a mistake, it was + an error of the head rather than of the feet. Pretty soon the old brigade + adjutant, who was a strict diciplinarian, and a man who never heard of a + joke, came in from the general's tent, with his brow corrugated. They had + evidently been brooding over the report. + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, adjutant,” said he, with a preoccupied look, “but in + your report I observe that your regiment contains forty-three enlisted + men, and nine hundred and twenty-six company cooks. This seems to me + improbable, and the general cannot seem to understand it.” + </p> + <p> + The adjutant turned red in the face, and was about to stammer out + something, when the adjutant general continued: + </p> + <p> + “Again, we observe that your quartermaster has on hand nine hundred bales + of condition powders, which is placed in your report as rations for the + men, that you only have eleven horses in your regiment fit for duty, that + you have the same number of men, while the commissioned officers foot up + at nine hundred and twenty-six. Of your sick men there seems to be plenty, + some eight hundred, which would indicate an epidemic, of which these + headquarters had not been informed previously. In the column headed + “officers detailed on other duty” I find four “six-mule teams,” and one + “spike team of five mules.” In the column “officers absent without leave” + I find the entry “all gone off on a drunk.” This, sir, is the most + incongruous report that has ever been received at these head-quarters, + from a reputably sober officer. Can this affair be satisfactorily + explained, at once, or would you prefer to explain it to a court-martial?” + </p> + <p> + “Captain,” said the adjutant in distress, and perspiring freely, “my clerk + has made a mistake, and placed a piece of waste paper that has been + scribbled on, in the envelope, instead of the regular report. Let me take + it, and I will send the proper report to you in ten minutes.” + </p> + <p> + The adjutant general handed over my report, after asking how it happened + that the signature of the colonel and adjutant was on the ridiculous + report, and the adjutant and the red-headed recruit went out, mounted and + rode away. On the way the adjutant said, “I ought to kill you on the spot. + But I wont. You have only retaliated on us for playing them pants on you. + I hate a man that can't take a joke.” + </p> + <p> + Then we made out a new report, and I took it to headquarters, and all was + well. But the adjutant was not as kitteny with his jokes on the other + fellows for many moons. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My Experience as a Sick Man—Jim Thinks I Have Yellow Fever— + What I Suffered—A Rebel Angel—I am Sent to the Hospital. +</pre> + <p> + Up to this time I had never been sick a day in my life, that is, sick + enough to ache and groan and grunt, and lay in bed. At home I had + occasionally had a cold, and I was put to bed at night, after drinking a + quart of ginger tea, and covered up with blankets in a warm room, and I + was fussed over by loving hands until I got to sleep, and in the morning I + would wake up as fresh as a daisy, with my cold all gone. Once or twice at + home I had a bilious attack that lasted me almost twenty-four hours; but + the old family doctor fired blue pills down me, and I came under the wire + an easy winner. I did have the mumps and the measles, of course before + enlisting, but the loving care I was given brought me out all right, and I + looked upon those little sicknesses as a sort of luxury. The people at + home would do everything to make sick experiences far from bitter + memories. It was getting along towards Christmas of my first year in the + army, and though it was the Sunny South we were in, I noticed that it was + pretty all-fired cold. The night rides were full of fog and malaria; and + one morning I came in from an all-night ride through the woods and swamps, + feeling pretty blue. The mud around my tent was frozen, and there was a + little snow around in spots. As I laid down in my bunk to take a snooze + before breakfast, I noticed how awfully thin an army blanket was. It was + good enough for summer, but when winter came the blanket seemed to have + lost its cunning. I was again doing duty as a private soldier, having + learned that my promotion to the position of corporal was only temporary. + I had been what is called a “lance corpora,” or a brevet corporal. It + seemed hard, after tasting of the sweets of official position, to be + returned to the ranks, but I had to take the bitter with the sweet, and a + soldier must not kick. I had never laid down to sleep before without + dropping off into the land of dreams right away, but now, though I was + tired enough, my eyes were wide open and I felt strange. At times I would + be so hot that I would throw the blanket off, and then I would be so cold + that it seemed as though I would freeze. I had taken a severe cold which + had settled everywhere, and there was not a bone in my body but what + ached; my lungs seemed of no use; I could not take a long breath without a + hacking cough, and I felt as though I should die. It was then that I + thought of the warm little room at home and the ginger tea, and the + soaking of my feet in mustard water and wrapping my body in a soft flannel + blanket, and the kindly faces of my parents, my sister, my wife—everybody + that had been kind to me. I would close my eyes and imagine I could see + them all, and open my eyes and see my cold little tent and shiver as I + thought of being sick away from home. I laid for an hour wishing I was + home again; and while alone there I made up my mind I would write home and + warn all the boys I knew against enlisting. The thought that I should die + there alone was too much, and I was about to yell for help when my tent + mate, who had been on a scout, came in. He was a big green Yankee, who had + a heart in him as big as a water pail, but he wasn't much, of a nurse. He + came in nearly frozen, threw his saddle down in a corner, took out a hard + tack and began to chew it, occasionally taking a drink of water out of a + canteen. That was his breakfast. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I've got just about enough of war,” said he, as he picked his teeth + with a splinter off his bunk, and filled his pipe and lit it. “They can't + wind up this business any too soon to suit the old man. War in the summer + is a picnic, but in winter it is wearin on the soldier.” + </p> + <p> + Heretofore I had enjoyed tobacco smoke very much, both from my own pipe + and Jim's, but when he blew out the first whiff of smoke it went to my + head and stomach and all up and down me, and I yelled, in a hoarse, + pneumonia sort of voice: + </p> + <p> + “Jim, for God's sake don't smoke. I am at death's door, and I don't want + to smell of tobacco smoke when St. Peter opens the gate.” + </p> + <p> + “What, pard, you ain't sick,” said Jim, putting his pipe outside of the + tent, and coming to me and putting his great big hand on my forehead, as + tender as a woman. + </p> + <p> + “Great heavens! you have got the yellow fever. You won't live an hour.” + </p> + <p> + That was where Jim failed as a nurse. He made things out worse than they + were. He, poor old fellow, thought it was sympathy, and if I had let him + go on he would have had me dead before night. I told him I was all right. + All I had was a severe cold, on my lungs, and pneumonia, and rheumatism, + and chills and fever, and a few such things, but I would be all right in a + day or two. I wanted to encourage Jim to think I was not very bad off, but + he wouldn't have it. He insisted that I had typhoid fever, and glanders, + and cholera. He went right out of the tent and called in the first man he + met, who proved to be the horse doctor. The horse doctor was a friend of + mine, and a mighty good fellow, but I had never meditated having him + called in to doctor me. However, he felt of my fore leg, looked at my + eyes, rubbed the hair the wrong way on my head, and told Jim to bleed me + in the mouth, and blanket me, and give me a bran mash, and rub some + mustang liniment on my chest and back. I didn't want to hurt the horse + doctor's feelings by going back on his directions, but I told him I only + wanted to soak my feet in mustard water, and take some ginger tea. He said + all right, if I knew more about it than he did, and that he said he would + skirmish around for some ginger, while Jim raised the mustard, and they + both went out and left me alone. It seemed an age before anybody come, and + I thought of home all the time, and of the folks who would know just what + to do if I was there. Pretty soon Jim came in with a camp kettle half full + of hot water, and a bottle of French mixed mustard which he had bought of + the sutler. I told him I wanted plain ground mustard, but he said there + wasn't any to be found, and French mustard was the best he could do. We + tried to dissolve it in the water, but it wouldn't work, and finally Jim + suggested that he take a mustard spoon and plaster the French mustard all + over my feet, and then put them to soak that way. He said that prepared + mustard was the finest kind for pigs feet and sausage, and he didn't know + why it was not all right to soak feet in. So he plastered it on and I + proceeded to soak my feet. I presume it was the most unsuccessful case of + soaking feet on record. The old camp kettle was greasy, and when the hot + water and French mustard began to get in their work on the kettle, the + odor was sickening, and I do not think I was improved at all in my + condition. I told Jim I guessed I would lay down and wait for the ginger + tea. Pretty soon the horse doctor came in with a tin cup full of hot + ginger tea. I took one swallow of it and I thought I had swallowed a + blacksmith's forge, with a coal fire in it. I gasped and tried to yell + murder. The horse doctor explained that he couldn't get any ginger, so he + had taken cayenne pepper, which, he added, could knock the socks off of + ginger any day in the week. I felt like murdering the horse doctor, and I + felt a little hard at Jim for playing French mustard on me, but when I + come to reflect, I could see that they had done the best they could, and I + thanked them, and told them to leave me alone and I would go to sleep. + They went out of the tent and I could hear them speculating on my case. + Jim said he knew I had diabetis, and lung fever combined, with sciatic + rheumatism, and brain fever, and if I lived till morning the horse doctor + could take it out of his wages. The horse doctor admitted that my case had + a hopeless look, but he once had a patient, a bay horse, sixteen hands + high, and as fine a saddle horse as a man ever threw a leg over, that was + troubled exactly the same as I was. He blistered his chest, gave him a + table-spoonful of condition powders three times a day in a bran mash, took + off his shoes and turned him out to grass, and in a week he sold him for + two hundred and fifty dollar. I laid there and tried to go to sleep + listening to that talk. Then, some of the boys who had heard that I was + sick, came along and inquired how I was, and I listened to the remarks + they made. One of them wanted to go and get some burdock leaves, and pound + them into a pulp, and bind them on me for a poultice. He said he had an + aunt in Wisconsin who had a milk sickness, and her left leg swelled up as + big as a post, and the doctors tried everything, and charged her over two + hundred dollars, and never did her any good, and one day an Indian doctor + came along and picked some burdock leaves and fixed a poultice for her, + and in a week she went to a hop-picker's dance, and was as kitteny as + anybody, and the Indian doctor only charged her a quarter. Jim was for + going out for burdock leaves at once, for me, but the horse doctor told + him I didn't have no milk sickness. He said all the milk soldiers got was + condensed milk, and mighty little of that, and he would defy the world to + show that a man could get milk sickness on condensed milk. That seemed to + settle the burdock remedy, and they went to inquiring of Jim if he knew + where my folks lived, so he could notify them, in case I was not there in + the morning. Jim couldn't remember whether it was Atchison, Kan., or Fort + Atkinson, Wis., but he said he would go and ask me, while I was alive, so + there would be no mistake, and the poor fellow, meaning as well as any man + ever did, came in and asked for the address of my father, saying it was of + no account, particularly, only he wanted to know. I gave him the address, + and then he asked me if he shouldn't get me something to eat. I told him I + couldn't eat anything to save me. He offered to fry me some bacon, and + make me a cup of coffee, but the thought of bacon and coffee made me wild. + I told him if he could make me a nice cup of green tea, and some milk + toast, or poach me an egg and place it on a piece of nice buttered toast, + and give me a little currant jelly, I thought I could swallow a mouthful. + Jim's eyes stuck out when I gave my order, which I had done while thinking + of home, and a tear rolled down his cheek, and he went out of the tent, + saying, “All right, pard.” I saw him tap his forehead with his finger, + point his thumb toward the tent, and say to the boys outside: + </p> + <p> + “He's got 'em! Head all wrong! Wants me to make him milk toast, poached + eggs, green tea, and currant jelly. And I offered him <i>bacon</i>. Sow + belly for a sick man! There isn't a loaf of bread in camp. Not an egg + within five miles. And milk! currant jelly! Why, he might as well ask for + Delmonico's bill of fare, but we have got to get 'em. I told him he should + have em, and, by mighty! he shall. Here, Mr. Horse-doctor, you stay and + watch him, and I and Company D here will saddle up and go out on the road + to a plantation, and raid it for delicacies. + </p> + <p> + “You bet your life,” says the Company “D” man, and pretty soon I heard a + couple of saddles thrown on two horses, and then there was a clatter of + horses feet on the frozen ground. I have thought of it since a good many + times, and have concluded that I must have dropped asleep. Any way, it + didn't seem more than five minutes before the tent nap opened and Jim came + in. + </p> + <p> + “Come, straighten out here, now, you red-headed corpse, and try that + toast,” said he, as he came in with a piece of hard-tack box for a tray, + and on it was a nice china plate, and a cup and saucer, an egg on toast, + and a little pitcher of milk, and some jelly. + </p> + <p> + “Jim,” I said, tasting of the tea, which was not much like army tea, “you + never made this tea. A woman made that tea, or I'm a goat. And that toast + was toasted by a woman, and that egg was poached by a woman. Where am I?” + I asked, imagining that I was home again. + </p> + <p> + “You guessed it the first time, pard,” said Jim, as he threw the blanket + over my shoulders, as I sat up on the bunk to try and eat. “The whole + thing was done by the rebel angel.” + </p> + <p> + “Rebel angel, Jim; what are you talking about? There ain't any rebel + angels,” and I became weak and laid down again. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, there is a rebel angel, and she is a dandy,” said Jim, as he covered + me up. “She is out by the fire making milk toast for you. You see, I went + out to the Brown plantation, to try and steal an egg, and some bread, and + milk, but I thought, on the way out, as it was a case of life and death, + the stealing of it might rest heavy on your soul when you come to pass in + your chips, so I concluded to go to the house and ask for it. There was a + young woman there, and I told her the red-headed corporal that captured + the female smuggler, was dying, and couldn't eat any hard-tack and bacon, + and I wanted to fill him up on white folks food before he died, so he + could go to heaven or elsewhere, as the case might be, on a full stomach, + and she flew around like a kernel of pop-corn on a hot griddle, and picked + up a basket of stuff, and had the nigger saddle a mule for her, and she + came right to the camp with me, and said she would attend to everything. + She's a thoroughbred, and don't you make no mistake about it.” + </p> + <p> + I must have gone to sleep when Jim was talking about the girl, for I + dreamed that there was a million angels in rebel uniforms, poaching eggs + for me. Pretty soon I heard a rustle of female clothes, and a soft, cool + hand was placed on my forehead, my hair was brushed back, a perfumed + handkerchief wiped the cold perspiration from my face, and I heard the + rebel angel ask Jim what the doctor said about me. Jim told her what the + horse doctor had said about curing a horse that had been sick the same as + I was, and then she asked if we had not sent for the regular doc-doctor. + Jim said we had not thought of that. She asked what had been done for me, + and Jim told her about the French mustard episode, and the cayenne pepper + tea. I thought she laughed, but it had become dark in the tent, and I + couldn't see her face, but she told Jim to go after the regimental surgeon + at once, and Jim went out. The angel asked me how I felt, and I told her I + was all right, but she said I was all wrong. I thanked her for the trouble + she had taken to come so far, and she said not to mention it. She said she + had a brother who was a prisoner at the-North, and if somebody would only + be kind to him if he was sick, she would be well repaid. She said the last + she heard of him he was a prisoner of war at Madison, Wis., and she + wondered what kind of people lived there, away off on the frontier, and if + they could be kind to their enemies. That touched me where I lived, and I + raised up on my elbow, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Why bless your heart, Miss, if your brother is a prisoner in old Camp + Randlll, in Madison, he has got a pic nic. That town was my home before I + came down here on this fool job. The people there are the finest in the + world. All of them, from old Grovernor Lewis, to the poorest man in town, + would set up nights with a sick person, whether he was a rebel or not. + Your brother couldn't be better fixed if he was at home. The idea of a man + suffering for food, clothing, or human sympathy in Madison, would be + ridiculous. There is not a family in that town,” I said, becoming excited + from the feeling that any one doubted the humanity of the people of + Wisconsin, “but would divide their breakfast, and their clothes, and their + money, with your brother, egad, I wish I was there myself. I will be + responsible for your brother, Miss.” + </p> + <p> + She told me to lay down and be quiet, and not talk any more, as I was + becoming wild. She said she was glad to know what kind of people lived + there, as she had supposed it was a wilderness. In a few minutes Jim came + back and said the doctor was playing poker with some other officers, in a + captain's tent, and he didn't dare go in and break up the game, but he + spoke to the doctor's orderly, and he said I ought to take castor oil. + That didn't please the little woman at all, and she told Jim to go to the + poker tent and tell the doctor to come at once, or she would come after + him. It was not long before the doctor came stooping in to my pup tent. + His idea was to have all sick men attend surgeon's call in the morning, + and not go around visiting the sick in tents. He asked me what was the + matter, and I told him nothing much. Then he asked me why I wasn't at + surgeon's call in the morning. I told him the reason was that I was wading + in a swamp, after the rebels that ambushed some of our boys the day + before. “Then you've got malaria,” said he. “Take some quinine tonight, + and come to surgeon's call in the morning.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/229.jpg" alt="She Gave Him a Piece of Her Mind 229 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The little woman, the rebel angel, got her back up at the coolness of the + doctor; and she gave him a piece of her mind, and then he called for a + candle, and he examined me carefully. When he got through, he said: + </p> + <p> + “He is going to have a run of fever. He must be sent to the hospital. Jim, + go tell the driver to send the ambulance here at once, and you, Jim, go + along and see that this fellow gets to the hospital all right. He can't + live here in a tent, and I doubt if he will in the hospital.” + </p> + <p> + That settled it. In a short time the ambulance came, and I got in and sat + on a seat, and the rebel angel got in with me, and we rode seven miles to + the hospital, over the roughest road a sick man ever jolted over, and I + would have died, if I could have had my own way about it, but the little + woman talked so cheerfully that when we arrived at the great building, I + should have considered myself well, only that my mind was wandering. All I + remember of my entrance to the hospital was that when we got out of the + ambulance Jim was there on his horse, leading the mule belonging to the + angel. Some attendants helped me up stairs, and down a corridor, where we + met two stretchers being carried out to the dead house with bodies on + them, and I had to sit in a chair and wait till clean sheets could be put + on one of the cots where a man had just died. The little woman told me to + keep up my courage, and she would come and see me often, Jim cried and + said he would come everyday, a man said, “your bed is ready, No. 197,” and + I laid down as No. 197, and didn't care whether I ever got up again or + not. I just had breath enough left to bid the angel good bye, and tell Jim + to see her safe home. Jim said, “You bet your life I will,” and the world + seemed blotted out, and for all I cared, I was dead. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My Varied Experiences in the Hospital—The Doctor Seems Sure + of My Death—I Suggest the Postponement of My Funeral—I Get + Very Sick of Gruel—I Go Back to my Regiment. +</pre> + <p> + Let's see, last week I wound up in the hospital. When Jim, my old comrade, + and the rebel angel, left me, I to all intents and purposes. I supposed I + was going to sleep, but after I got well enough to know what was going on, + I found that for about ten days I had been out of my head. It was not much + of a head to get out of, but however small and insignificant a man's head + is, he had rather have it with him, keeping good time, than to have it + wandering around out of his reach. When I “come to,” as the saying is, it + only seemed as though I had been asleep over night, but I dreamed more + than any able-bodied man could have done in one night. I was what they + call un-. conscious, but I did a great deal of work during that period of + unconsciousness. One thing I did, which I was proud of, was to wind up the + war. I arranged it so that all of the bullets that were fired on each + side, were made of India-rubber, like those little toy balloons, and war + was just fun. The boys on both sides would fire at each other and watch + the rubber balloons hit the mark, and explode, and nobody was hurt, and + everybody laughed. There was no more blood. Everything was rubber and + wind. There was no one killed, no legs shot off, and the men on each side; + when not fighting with the harmless missiles, were gathered together, blue + and gray, having a regular picnic, and every evening there was a dance, + the rebels furnishing the girls. In my delirium I could see that my rebel + angel was dancing a good deal with the boys, and frequently with my + comrade, Jim, and I was pretty jealous. I made up my mind that I wouldn't + speak to either of them again. I would watch my balloon battles with a + good deal of interest, and think how much better and safer it was to fight + that way. Every day, when the battle was over, and the two sides would get + together for fun, I noticed when the bugle sounded for battle again, that + on each side the boys were terribly mixed, there being about as many + blue-coated Yankees among the gray rebels as there were rebels among the + Yankees, and after awhile it seemed as though all were dressed alike, in a + sort of “blue-gray,” and then they disappeared, and I recovered my senses. + Frequently, during my delerium and unconsciousness, I would feel my mouth + pulled open, and hear a spoon chink against my teeth, and I would taste + something bad going down my neck, and then my head would buzz as though a + swarm of bees had taken up their abode where my brain used to be. + Sometimes I would hear the clanking of a saber and a pair of Mexican + spurs, and feel a great big hand on my head, and I knew that was Jim, but + I couldn't move a muscle, or say a word. “I guess he's dead, ain't he + doc?” I would hear in Jim's voice, and the doc would say there was a + little life left, but not enough, to swear by. Then the doc would say, + “You better come in about 10:30 tomorrow, as we bury them all at that + hour, and I guess he'll croak by that time.” I tried to speak and tell + them that I was alive, and that I was going to get well, but it, wasn't + any use. I was tongue-tied. Again I would hear the sweet rustle of a + dress, and feel a warm hand on my head, and I knew that the rebel angel + had rode her mule to town to see me. Then I would try hard to tell her + that I was going to write a letter to the governor of Wisconsin, and ask + him to look out particularly for her brother, who was a rebel prisoner at + Madison, and take care of him if he was sick, but I couldn't say a word, + and after smoothing my hair a little while, she would give my cheek three + or four pats, just as a mother pats her child, and she would go away. + </p> + <p> + One morning, a little after daylight, I woke up and looked around the ward + of the hospital. My eyes were weak, and I was hungry as a bear. I had to + try two or three times before I could raise my hand to my head, and when I + felt of my head it seemed awfully small. I could feel my cheek bones stick + out so that you could hang your hat on them. My cheeks were sunken, and my + fingers were like pipe-stems. I wondered how a man could change so in one + night. I saw two or three fellows over at the other end of the room, and I + thought I would get up and go over there and have some fun with them. I + wanted to know where my horse was, and where I was. I tried to raise up + and couldn't get any further than on my elbow. From that position I looked + around to see what was going on, and tried to attract the attention of + some attendant. Finally, I saw four fellows bringing a stretcher along + towards my cot. They had evidently been told by the doctor that I would be + dead in the morning, and having confidence in the word of the professional + man, had come to take me to the dead house, before the other sick man was + awake. As they came up to the foot of my cot and sat the stretcher down, I + thought I would play a joke on them. I pulled the sheet over my face, and + laid still. One of the men said, “Two of us can lift it, as it is thinner + than a lathe.” To be considered dead, when I was alive, was bad enough, + but to be called “it” was too much. I felt one of the men take hold of my + feet, and then I threw the sheet off my face and in a hoarse voice I said, + “Say, Mr. Body-snotcher, you can postpone the funeral and bring me a + porter-house steak and some fried potatoes.” Well, nobody ever saw a + couple of men fall over themselves and turn pale, as those fellows did. + Before I had given my order for breakfast, the two men had fallen back + over the stretcher and the two others were backing on as though a ghost + had appeared. But finally they came toward me and I convinced them that I + was not dead. They seemed hurt to know that I was still alive, and one of + them went off after the doctor, to enter a complaint, I supposed. The + doctor soon came and he was the only one that seemed pleased at my + recovery. He ordered some sort of gruel for me, but wouldn't let me have + meat and things. I took the gruel under protest but it did strengthen me. + I told the doctor I wanted him to send for my horse, because I wanted to + go out with the boys, but he said he guessed I wouldn't go out with the + boys very soon. He said I might sit up in bed a little while, and when I + did so I found that I did not have my clothes on, but was clothed in a + hospital night-gown, which was also used for a shroud for burial when a + fellow died. He said Jim and the girl would be in about 10 o clock, as he + had sent for them, and some of my comrades. I told him if I was going to + entertain company, and give a reception, I wanted my pants on, as I was + sure no gentleman could give a reception successfully without pants. The + doctor seemed sort of glad to see me taking an interest in human affairs + again, and so he let me put my pants and jacket on. I got a butcher to + shave me, and when ten o clock came I looked quite presentable for a + skeleton. I was sitting up in bed, with a little round zinc frame + looking-glass, noting the changes in my personal appearance, when a door + opened and Jim entered, dressed up in his best, with the rebel angel on + his arm, and followed by six boys from the regiment. They came in as + solemn as any party I ever saw. The angel looked as sad as I ever saw + anybody, and I thought she had probably heard that her brother was dead. + It did not occur to me that they had come to attend my funeral. They stood + there by the door, in that helpless manner that people always stand around + at a funeral, waiting for the master of ceremonies to tell them that they + can now pass in the other room and view the remains. I finally caught Jim + looking my way, and I waved a handkerchief at him. He gave me one look, + and jumped over two cots and came up to me with tears in his eyes, and a + package in his hand, and said, “Pard, you ain't dead worth a cent,” and + then he hugged me, and added, “but there ain't enough left of you for a + full size funeral.” Then he unrolled the package he had in his hand, and + dropped on the bed four silver-plated coffin handles. By that time the + girl, and the six boys had seen me, and they came over, and we had a + regular visit. They were all surprised to find me alive, as they had been + notified that I was on my last legs, and would be buried in the morning, + and the captain had detailed the six boys to act as pall-bearers and fire + a salute over the grave, while Jim and the girl were to act as mourners. + </p> + <p> + “Well, it saves ammunition,” said Jim. “But how be I going to get these + coffin handles off my hands. There is no dependence to be placed on + doctors, anyway. When that doctor appointed this funeral, we thought he + knew his business, and I told the angel, say I, 'My pard ain't going to be + buried without any style, in one of those pine boxes that ain't planed, + and has got slivers on.' So I hired the hospital coffin-maker to + sand-paper the inside and outside of a box, and black it with + shoe-blacking, and I went to a store down town and bought these handles. + Of course, pard, I am glad you pulled through, and all that, but I want to + say to you, if you had croaked in the night, and been ready to bury this + A. m., you would have had a more stylish outfit than anybody, except + officers, usually get in this army, and the angel and I would have been a + pair of mourners that would have slung grief so your folks to home would + have felt proud of you.” + </p> + <p> + The angel was tickled to see me alive, and suggested to Jim and the boys, + that it was easy to talk a fellow to death after he had been so sick, and + told them to go back to camp, and she would stay with me all day. So the + boys shook hands with me, and Jim had an attendant to roll my cot up to a + window, so I could see my horse when they rode away. The boys got on their + horses and Jim led my horse, and I could see that my pet had been fixed up + for the occasion. He had the saddle on, and it was draped with black, a + pair of boots were fastened in the stirrups, and my carbine was in the + socket. The idea was to have my horse, with empty boot and saddle tied + behind the wagon that took me to the cemetery where soldiers wind up their + career. It was not a cheerful thing to look at, and to think of, but it + did me good to see the old horse, and the boys ride away in good health, + and happy at my escape, and it encouraged me to make every effort to get + well, so I could ride with the gang. The rebel angel re-mained with me + till almost night, and superintended my eating. No person who has never + had a fever, can appreciate the appetite of a person when the fever + “turns.” I wanted everything that was ever eaten, and roast beef or turkey + was constantly in my mind. As anything of that kind would have made use + for Jim's coffin-handles, I had to put up with soups and gruels. The + doctor thought that this thin gruel was good enough, but it didn't seem to + hit the spot, and so the girl asked the doctor if he thought nice gumbo + soup and a weak milk punch wouldn't be pretty good for me. He said it + would, but nobody in the hospital could make gumbo soup, or milk punch. + She said she could, and she told me not to eat a thing until she came + back, and she would bring me a dish fit for the gods. She said she knew an + old colored woman in town, who cooked for a lady friend of hers, who had + some gumbo, and the lady had a little brandy that was seventy years old, + but she said the lady was a rebel, and I must overlook that. I told her I + didn't care, as I had got considerably mashed on all the rebels I had met + personally. She went out with a smile that would have knocked a stronger + man than I was silly, and I turned over and took a nap, the first real + sleep I had had in a week. I woke up finally smelling something that was + not gruel. O, I had got so sick of gruel. The angel handed me a glass of + milk punch, and told me to drink a swallow and a half. I have drank a + great many beverages in my lifetime, but I never swallowed anything that + was as good as the milk punch that rebel girl made for me. It seemed to go + clear to my toes, and I felt strong. Then she gave me a small soup plate + and told me to taste of the gumbo. I had never tasted gumbo soup before, + but I had no difficulty in mastering it. No description can do gumbo soup + justice, or explain to a person who has never tasted it the rich odor, and + palatable taste. The little that I ate seemed to make a man of me again, + instead of the weak invalid. Since then I have been loyal to southern + gumbo soup, and have always eaten it wherever it could be obtained, and I + never put a spoonful of it to my lips without thinking of the rebel girl + in the hospital, who prepared that dish for me. If I ever become a + glutton, it will be on gumbo soup, and if I am ever a drunkard, it will be + a milk-punch drunkard, and the soup and the punch must be prepared in the + South. + </p> + <p> + Well, my experience after that, in the hospital, was about the same as a + hundred thousand other boys in blue, only few of the boys had such care, + and such food. The girl kept me supplied with gumbo soup and milk punch + until I could eat heartier food, and in a couple of days I got so I could + walk around the hospital. At home I had never been much of a hand to be + around with the sick, but experience had been a good teacher, and I found + that going around among the boys, and talking cheerfully did them good and + me too. I found men from my own regiment, that I did not know had been + sick. The custom was to make just as little show about sending sick men to + the hospital, as possible, hence they were often packed off in the night, + and the first their comrades would know of their illness would be a detail + to bury them, or a boy would suddenly appear in his company, looking pale + and sick, having been discharged from the hospital. If the men had known + how many of their comrades were sent to the hospital, it would have + demoralized the well ones. For ten days I visited around among the sick + men, telling a funny story to a group here and and cheering them up, and + writing letters home for fellows that were too weak to write. I learned to + lie a little bit in writing letters for the boys. One young fellow who had + his leg taken off, wanted me to write to his intended, and tell her all + about it, how the leg was taken off, and how he was sick and discouraged, + and would always be a cripple and a burden on his friends, etc. I wrote + the letter entirely different from the way he told me. I spoke of his + being wounded in the leg but that the care he received had made him all + right, and that he would probably soon have a discharge, and be home, and + make them all happy. I thought to myself that if she loved him as a girl + ought to, that a leg or two short wouldn't make any difference to her, and + there was no use of harrowing up her feelings in advance, and that he + could buy a cork leg before he got home, and may be she would never find + it out. I might have been wrong, but when he got an answer from that + letter he was the happiest fellow I ever saw in this world, and he + arranged at my suggestion, to stop over in New York and get a cork leg + before he went home. I have never learned whether the girl ever found out + that he had a cork leg, but if she did, and blames anybody, she can lay it + to me. Lots of the boys that wrote letters for wanted to detail all of + their calamities to their mothers and sisters and sweet-hearts, but I + worded the letters in a funny sort of way, so that the friends at home + would not be worried, and the answers the boys got would please them very + much. The hardest work I had was a couple of days writing letters for a + doctor, to relatives of boys who had died, detailing the sickness, death + and burial, and notifying friends that they could obtain the personal + effects of the deceased, clothing, money, pipes, knives, etc., by sending + express charges. It always seemed to me that if I had been running the + government I would have paid the express charges on the clothing of the + boys who had died, if I didn't lay up a cent. Finally I got well enough to + go back to my regiment, and one day I showed up at my company, and the + first man I met saluted me and said, “Hello, Lieutenant.” I told him he + did wrong to joke a sick man that way, and I went on to find Jim. He was + in our tent, greasing his shoes, and he looked up with a queer expression + on his face and said, “Hello, Lieutenant.” + </p> + <p> + “Look a here.” I said, as I grasped his greasy hand, “what do you fellows + mean by calling me names, I have never done anything to deserve to be made + a fool of. Pard, what ails you anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “Didn't they tell you,” said Jim, as he scraped the mud on his other shoe + with a stick. “The colonel has sent your name to the governor of Wisconsin + to be commissioned as second Lieutenant of the company. All the boys are + tickled to death, and they are going to whoop it up for you when your + commission comes. But this pup tent will not be good enough for you then, + and old Jim will have to pick up another pard. You won't have to cook your + bacon on a stick when you get your commsssion, and you can drink out of a + leather covered flask instead of a flannel covered canteen. But by the + great horn spoons I shall love you if you get to be a Jigadier Brindle,” + and the old pard looked as though he wanted to cry like a baby. + </p> + <p> + “Jim,” I said, “I think the fellows are giving us taffy, and that there is + nothing in this Lieutenant business. But if there is, you will be my pard + till this cruel war is over, and don't you forget it,” and I went along + the company street towards the colonel's tent, leaning on a cane, and all + the boys congratulated me, and I felt like a fool. + </p> + <p> + “Lieutenant, I am glad to see you back,” said the Colonel, as I entered + his tent, and he showed it in his face. “What is the foolishness, colonel? + I asked. The boys are all guying me. Can't I stay a private?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Thanksgiving Dinner with the “Rebel Angel”—She Gives Me a + World of Good Advice—Can an Officer be Detailed To Go And + Shovel Dirt?—My First Day As A Commissioned Officer. +</pre> + <p> + The last chapter of this history wound up in my interview with the + colonel, in which he told me that what the boys had said was true, and + that I had a right to to be called “Lieutenant.” He said there was a + vacancy in the commissioned officers of my company, caused, by some + discrepancy in regard to the ownership of a horse which an officer had + sold as belonging to him, when investigation showed that there was “U. S.” + branded on the horse. The colonel said he had looked over the company + pretty thoroughly, and while I was not all that he could desire in an + officer, there were less objections to me than to many others, and he had + recommended the governor of our state to commission me. He said he didn't + want me to run away with the idea that my promotion from private to a + commissioned office was for any particular gallantry, or that I was + particularly entitled to promotion, but I seemed the most available. It + was true, he said, that I had done everything I had been told to do, in a + cheerful manner, and had not displayed any cowardice, that he knew of, + though I had often admitted to him that I was a coward. He said he thought + few men knew whether they were cowards or not, until they got in a tight + place, and that most men honestly believed they were cowards, but they + didn't want others to know it, and they took pains to conceal the fact. He + said he had rather be considered a coward than a dare-devil of bravery, + for if he flunked when a chance come to show his metal, it wouldn't be + thought much of, and if he pulled through, and made a decent record for + bravery, he would get a heap of credit. He said he believed it took a man + with more nerve to do some things he had ordered me to do, than it did to + get behind a tree and shoot at the enemy, and he was willing to take his + chances on me. He congratulated me, and some of the other officers did the + same. + </p> + <p> + I was invited to sit into a game of draw poker with some of the officers. + I pleaded that I was not sufficiently recovered from my sickness to play + poker, and I went back to my tent to talk with Jim. I was thinking over + the new responsibilities that were about to come to me, and figuring on + the salary. A hundred and fifty dollars a month! It is cruel to raise the + salary of a poor devil from thirteen dollars a month to a hundred and + fifty. I wondered how in the world the government was ever going to get + that much out of me. Certainly I couldn't do any more than I had been + doing towards crushing the rebellion for thirteen dollars. And what would + I do with so much money? In my wildest dreams of promotion I had never + hoped to be a commissioned officer. I had thought sometimes, a week or two + after I enlisted, that if I was a general I could put down the rebellion + so quick the government would have lots of nations left on its hands to + spoil, but a few months active service had taken all that sort of nonsense + out of me, and I had been contented as a private. But here I was jumped + over everybody, and made an officer unbeknown to me, It made me dizzy. I + was not very strong anyway, and this thing had come upon me suddenly I was + thinking of the magnificent uniform I would have, and the fancy saddle and + bridle, and the regular officer's tent, with bottles of whiskey and + glasses, when Jim asked me if I wouldn't just hold that frying-pan of + bacon over the fire, while he cooked some coffee. He said we would just + eat a little to settle our stomachs, and then go out to Thanksgiving + dinner. + </p> + <p> + “Thanksgiving dinner,” I said. “What are you talking about?” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you know,” said Jim, “to-day is Thanksgiving? The 'angel' told me + last night to bring you out to the plantation to-day, and I was going + after you at the hospital if you hadn't showed up. She has received a + letter from her brother, who is a rebel prisoner at Madison, and he says a + Yankee hotel-keeper at Madison, that you had written to, had called at the + pen where they were kept, and had brought him a lot of turkey and fixings, + and offered to send him a lot for Thanksgiving, so the rebel boys could + have a big feed, and he says he is well and happy, and going to be + exchanged soon. And she wants us to come out and eat turkey and 'possum. I + had rather eat gray tom-cat than possum, but I told her we would come. So + we will eat a little bacon and bread, and ride out.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, all right Jim,” I said. “We will go, but in my weak state I can't + be expected to eat possum. If there is anything of that kind to be eat, + Jim, you will have to eat it. However, I will do anything the rebel angel + asks me to do,” I added, remembering her kindness to me when I was sick. + </p> + <p> + The ride to the plantation, after several weeks confinement, was better + than medicine, and I enjoyed every step my proud horse took. The animal + acted as though he had been told of my promotion, but it was plain to me + that he acted proud, because he had been resting during my sickness. It + was all I could do to keep Jim alongside of me. He would fall back every + little while and try to act like an orderly riding behind an officer. I + had to discipline him before he would come up alongside like a “partner.” + I mention this Thanksgiving dinner in the army, in order to bring in a + little advice the rebel girl gave me, which I shall always remember. We + arrived at the old plantation house where the girl and her mother and some + servants were living, waiting for the war to close, so the men folks could + come back. The old lady welcomed us cordially, the girl warmly and the + servants effusively. The dinner was good, though not elaborate, except the + possum. That was elaborate, and next to gumbo soup, the finest dish I ever + tasted. After we had got seated at the table, the old lady asked a + blessing, and it was more like a prayer. She asked for a blessing upon all + of the men in both armies, and made us feel as though there was no + bitterness in her heart towards the enemies of her people. During the + dinner Jim told of my promotion, and the circumstance was commented on by + all, and after dinner the rebel angel took me one side, and said she had + got a few words of advice to give me. She commenced by saying: + </p> + <p> + “Now that you are to be a commissioned officer, don't get the big head. + During this war, we have had soldiers near us all the time, and I have + seen some splendid soldiers spoiled by being commsssioned. Nine out of ten + men that have received commissions in this locality, have been spoiled. I + am a few years older than you, and have seen much of the world. You are a + kind hearted man, and desire to treat everybody well, whether rich or + poor, yankee or confederate. If you let this commission spoil you, you are + not worthy of it. You will naturally feel as though you should associate + with officers entirely, but you will find in them no better companions + than you have found in the private soldiers, and I doubt if you will find + as true friends. Do not, under any circumstances, draw away from your old + friends, and let a barrier raise up between you and them. My observation + teaches me that the only difference between the officers and men in the + Union army, is that officers get more pay for doing less duty; they become + dissipated and fast because they can better afford it, they drink more, + put on style, play cards for money, and think the world revolves around + them, and that they are indispensible to success, and yet when they die, + or are discharged for cause, private soldiers take their place and become + better officers than they did, until they in turn become spoiled. I can + think of no position better calculated to ruin a young man than to + commission him in a cavalry regiment. Now take my advice. Do not run in + debt for a new uniform and a silver mounted sword, and don't put a stock + of whisky and cigars into your tent, and keep open house, because when + your whisky and cigars are gone, those who drank and smoked them will not + think as much of you as before, and you will have formed habits that will + illy prepare you for your work. You will not make any friends among good + officers, and you will lose the respect of the men who have known you when + you were one of them, but who will laugh at you for getting the big head + and going back on those who are just as good as you are, but who have not + yet attained the dignity of wearing shoulder straps. I meet officers every + day, who were good soldiers before they were raised from privates, and + they show signs of dissipation, and have a hard look, leering at women, + and trying to look <i>blasé</i>. They try to act as near like foreign + noblemen who are officers, as they can, from reading of their antics, but + Americans just from farms, workshops, commercial pursuits, and the back + woods and country villages of the north, are not of the material that + foreign officials are made of, and in trying to imitate them they only + show their shallowness. Do not, I beg of you, change one particle from + what you have been as a private soldier, unless it is to have your pants + fit better, and wear a collar. Of course, you will be thrown among + officers more than you have before. Imitate their better qualities, and do + not compete with them in vices. Always remember that when a volunteer army + is mustered out, all are alike. The private, who has business ability, + will become rich and respected, after the war, while the officer, who has + been promoted through favoritism, and who acquires bad habits, will keep + going down hill, and will be glad to drive a delivery wagon for the + successful private, whom he commanded and snubbed when he held a proud + position and got the big head. Now, my convalescent red-headed yankee, you + have the best advice, I know how to give a young man who has struck a + streak of luck. Go back to your friends, and may God bless you.” + </p> + <p> + Well, I had never had any such advice as that before, and as Jim and me + rode back to camp that Thanksgiving evening, her words seemed to burn into + my alleged brain. I could see how easy it would be for a fellow to make a + spectacle of himself. What did a commission amount to, anyway, that a + fellow should feel above anybody. When we arrived in camp, and went into + our tent to have a smoke, the chaplain came in. I had not seen much of him + lately. When I was sick I felt the need of a chaplain considerably. Not + that I cared particularly to have him come and set up a howl over me, as + though I was going to die, and he was expected to steer me the right way. + But I felt as though it was his duty to look after the boys when they were + sick, and talk to them about something cheerful. But he did not show up + when I needed him, and when he called at our tent after I was well, there + wasn't that cordiality on my part that there ought to have been. He had a + package which he unrolled, after congratulating me on my recovery, and it + proved to be a new saber, with silver mounted scabbard and gold sword + handle. The chaplain said he had heard that I was to be commissioned, and + he had found that saber at a store down town, and thought I might want to + buy it. He said of course I would not want to wear a common government + saber, as it would look too rude..He said he could get that saber for + forty dollars, dirt cheap, and I could pay for it when I got my first pay + as an officer. I could see through the chaplain in a minute. He had + thought I would jump at the chance to put on style, and that he could make + ten or fifteen dollars selling me a gilt-edged saber. I thanked him + warmly, and a little sarcastically, for his great interest in the welfare + of my soul, in sickness and in health, but told him that I was going to + try and pull through with a common private's saber. I told him that the + few people I should kill with a saber, would enjoy it just as well to be + run through with a common saber. My only object was to help put down the + rebellion, and I could do it with ordinary plain cutlery, as well as + silver-mounted trappings. I said that to smear a silver-mounted saber all + over with gore, would spoil the looks of it. The chaplain went out, when a + drummer for a tailor shop came in with some samples, and wanted to make up + a new uniform for me, regardless of expense. I stood him off, and went to + bed, tired, and thought I had rather be a private than a general. The next + morning it was my turn to cook our breakfast, and I turned out and built a + fire, cut off some salt pork, and was frying it, when the orderly sergeant + came along and detailed Jim and me, with ten or a dozen others to go to + work on the fortifications. The rebels-were preparing to attack our + position, and the commanding officer had deemed it advisable to throw up + some earthworks. I told the orderly that he couldn't detail me to work + with a shovel, digging trenches, when I was an officer, but he said he + could, until I received my commission and was mustered in. I left my + cooking and went to the colonel's tent. He was just rolling out of his + bunk, and I said: + </p> + <p> + “How is it, Colonel? Can an officer be detailed to go and shovel dirt? I + have been detailed by the orderly, with a lot of privates, to report to + the engineer, to throw up fortifications. That does not strike me as + proper work for a commissioned officer.” + </p> + <p> + “You will have to go,” said the colonel, as he stood on one leg while he + tried to lasso his other foot with a pants leg. “It may be three months + before your commission will arrive, and then you will have to go to New + Orleans to be mustered out as a private and mustered in as an officer. + Until that time you will have to do duty as a private.” + </p> + <p> + “Then what the devil did you say anything about my being commissioned for, + until the commission got here,” said I, and I went back and finished + cooking breakfast for myself and Jim. + </p> + <p> + Our detail went down to the river, at the left of the line, and reported + to the engineer, and were set to work cutting down trees, throwing up + dirt, and doing about the dirtiest and hardest work that I had ever done. + As a private I could have done anything that was asked of me, but the + thought of doing such work, while all the boys were calling me + “Lieutenant,” was too much. I never was so crushed in my life. How glad I + was that I did not buy that gilt-edged saber of the chaplain. We had to + wear our side arms while at work, fearing an attack at any minute, and I + thought how ridiculous I would have looked with that silver-mounted saber + hanging to me, while I was handling a shovel like a railroad laborer. If + that detail was made to humiliate me, and reduce my proud flesh, that had + appeared on me by my sudden promotion, it had the desired effect, for + before night I was as humble an amateur officer as ever lived. I had + chopped down trees until my hands were blistered, and had shoveled dirt + until my back was broke, and at night returned to my tent too tired to eat + supper, and went to bed too weary and disgusted to sleep. And that was my + first day as a commissioned officer. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My Sickness and Hospital Experiences Have Spoiled Me for a + Soldier—I Am Full of Charity, and Hope the War Will Cease— + We Have a Grand Attack—The Battle Lasted Ten Minutes—The + Rebel Angel's Brother is Captured. +</pre> + <p> + I became satisfied, more each day, that my sickness, and experience in the + hospital, had spoiled me for a soldier. Being attended to so kindly by a + rebel girl and getting acquainted with her people, and hearing her mother + pray earnestly that the bloodshed might cease, sort of knocked what little + fight there was in me, out, and I didn't hanker any more for blood. It + seemed to me as though I could meet any rebel on top of earth, and shake + hands with him, and ask him to share my tent, and help eat my rations. + </p> + <p> + The fact of being promoted to a commissioned office, didn't make me feel + half as good as I thought it was going to, and I found myself wishing I + could be a he sister of charity, or something that did not have to shoot a + gun, or go into any fight. I got so I didn't care whether my commission + ever arrived or not. The idea of respectable men going out to hunt each + other, like game, became ridiculous to me, and I wondered why the + statesmen of the North and South did not get together and agree on some + sort of a compromise, and have the fighting stop. I would have agreed to + anything, only, of course, whatever arrangement was made, it must be + understood that the South had no right to secede. Then I would think, Why, + that is all the South is fighting for, and if they concede that they are + wrong it is the same as though they were whipped, and of course they could + not agree to that. I tried to think out lots of ways to wind the business + up without fighting any more, but all the plans I made, maintained that + our side was right, and I concluded to give up worrying about it. But I + made up my mind that I would not fight any more. I was still weak from + sickness, and there was no fight in me. I thought this over a good deal, + and concluded that if I was called upon to go into another fight, where + there was any chance of anybody being killed, I would just have a relapse, + and go to the hospital again till it was over. I had heard of fellows + being taken suddenly ill when a fight was in prospect, and I knew they + were always laughed at, but I made up my mind that I had rather be laughed + at than to hurt anybody. There was no thought of sneaking out of a fight + because of the danger of being killed myself, but I just didn't want to + shoot any friends of that girl who had nursed me when I was sick. These + thoughts kept coming to me for a week or more, and one evening it was + rumored around that we were liable to be attacked the next day. Some of + our regiments had been out all day, and they reported the enemy marching + on our position, in force. The rebels that lived in town could not conceal + their joy at the idea that we were to be cleaned out. They would hint that + there were enough Confederates concentrating at that point to drive every + Yankee into the river, and they were actually preparing bandages and lint, + to take care of the Confederates who might be wounded. If we had taken + their word for it there wouldn't be a Yankee left in town, when the + Confederate boys begun to get in their work. I went to bed that night + resolved that I should not be so well in the morning, and would go to + surgeon's call, and be sent to the hospital. But I didn't like the way + those rebels talked about the coming fight. Egad, if they were so sure our + fellows were going to be whipped, may be I would stay and see about it. If + they thought any of our fellows were going to slink out, when they made + their brags about whipping us, they would find their mistake. However, if + I didn't feel very well in the morning, I would go to surgeon's call, but + I wouldn't go to the hospital. In the meantime, I would just see if I had + cartridges enough for much of a row, and rub up the old carbine a little, + for luck. Not that. I wanted to shoot anybody dead, but I could shoot + their horses, and make the blasted rebels walk, anyway. And so all that + evening I was part of the time trying to see my way clear to get out of a + regular fight, where anybody would be liable to get hurt, and again I was + wondering if my sickness had injured my eyesight so I couldn't take good + aim at the buttons on a rebel's coat. I was about half and half. If the + rebels would let us alone, and not bring on a disturbance, I was for peace + at any price, but gol-blast them, if they come fooling around trying to + scare anybody, I wouldn't go to a hospital, not much. I talked with Jim + about it, and he felt about as I did. He didn't want any more fighting, + and while he couldn't go to the hospital, he was going to try and get + detailed to drive a six mule team for the quartermaster, but he cleaned up + his gun all the same, and looked over his cartridges to see if they were + all right. We got up next morning, got our breakfast, and Jim asked me if + I was going to the hospital and I told him I would wait till afternoon. I + asked him if he was going to drive mules, and he said not a condemned + mule, not until the fight was over. There was a good deal of riding + around, orderlies, staff officers, etc. Artillery was moving around, and + about eight o clock some of our boys who had been on picket all night, + came in looking tired and nervous, saying they had been shot at all night, + and that the rebels had got artillery and infantry till you couldn't rest, + and they would make it mighty warm for us before night. Orders come to + each company, that no soldier was to leave camp under any circumstances, + to go to town or anywhere. I told Jim if he was going to drive mules, he + better be seeing the quartermaster sergeant, but he said he never was much + gone on mule driving, anyhow. But he said if he looked as sick as I did he + would go to the hospital too quick. I told him there wasn't anything the + matter with me. Pretty soon, over to the right, near the river, there was + a cannon discharged. It was not long before another went off around to the + left, and then a dozen, twenty, a hundred, all along the line. They were + rebel cannon, and pretty soon they were answered by our batteries. Then + there was a rattling of infantry, and the noise was deafening. I expected + at the first fire that our bugler would come out in front of headquarters + and blow for heaven's sake, for us to saddle up, but for three hours we + loafed around camp and no move was made. It was tiresome. We started to + play cards several times, but nobody could remember what was trumps, and + we gave that up. Some of our boys would sneak up on to a hill for a few + minutes, against orders, and come back and say that they could see the + fight, and it was which and tother. Then a few more would sneak off, and + after awhile the whole regiment was up on the hill, looking off to the + hills and valleys, watching rebel shells strike our earth works and throw + up the dust, and watching our shells go over to the woods where the rebels + were. Then I found myself hoping our shells were just paralyzing the + Johnnies. Presently the ambulances began to come by us, loaded with + wounded, and that settled it. When there was no fighting, and I was half + sick, and felt under obligations to a Confederate girl for taking care of + me, I didn't want any of her friends hurt, but when her friends forgot + them-selves, and come to a peaceable place, and began to kill off our + boys, friendship ceased, and I wondered why we didn't get orders to saddle + up and go in. We were all on the hill watching things, when the colonel, + who had been riding off somewhere, came along. We thought he would order + us all under arrest for disobeying orders, but he rode up to us, and + pointing to a place off to the right a mile or so, where there was a sharp + infantry fight, he said, “Boys, we shall probably go in right there about + 3 p.m., unless the rebels are reinforced,” and he rode down to his tent. + Well, after about twenty ambulances had gone by us with wounded soldiers, + we didn't care how soon we went in there. We watched the infantry and + artillery for another hour, as pretty a sight as one often sees. It was so + far away we could not see men fall, and it was more like a celebration, + until one got near enough to see the dead. Presently the regimental bugle + sounded “Boots and saddles,” and in a minute every man on the hill had + rushed down to his tent, even before the notes had died away from the + bugle. Nothing was out of place. Every soldier had known that the bugle <i>would</i> + sound sooner or later, and we had everything ready. It did not seem five + minutes before every company was mounted, in its street, waiting for + orders. Jim leaned over towards me and said, “Hospital?” and I answered, + “Not if I know myself,” and I patted my carbine on the stock. I said to + him, “Six mule team?” and he whispered back, “Nary six mule team for the + old man.” Then the bugle sounded the “Assembly,” and each company rode up + on to the hill and formed in regimental front facing the battle. Every eye + was on the place where the colonel had said we would probably “go in.” + There never was a more beautiful sight, and every man in the cavalry + regiment looked at it till his eyes ached. Then came an order to dismount + and every man was ordered to tighten up his saddle girth as tight as the + horse would bear it, and be sure his stirrup straps were too short rather + than too long. To a cavalry man these orders mean business. + </p> + <p> + Then we mounted again, and a few noticed a flag off to the right + signaling. The colonel noticed it and coolly gave the order, “fours right, + march.” We went off towards the fighting, then right down by our own + cannon and formed in line behind the infantry, that was at work with the + enemy, the artillery firing over our heads at the confederates in the + woods. The noise was so loud that one could not hear his neighbor speak; + but above it all came a buggle note, and glancing to the left, another + cavalry regiment, and another, formed on our left. Another bugle note, and + to the right another cavalry regiment formed, and for half a mile there + was a line of horsemen, deafened by the waiting the command of some man, + through a bugle. If the rebels had time to notice those four regiments of + cavalry, fresh and ready for a gallop, they must have known that it was a + good time to get away. Finally, our artillery ceased firing and it seemed + still as death, except for the rattling of infantry in front of us. The + rebel artillery had ceased firing also, and a great dust beyond the woods + showed that they were getting away. The bugle sounded “forward” and that + line of cavalry started on a walk. The infantry in front ceased firing, + and went to the right of us at a double-quick, and the field was clear of + our men. While our cavalry was walking, they kept a pretty good line, each + man glancing to the right for a guide. As we neared the place where our + infantry had been stationed, it was necessary to break up a little to pass + dead and wounded without riding over them, and when falling back to keep + from hurting a wounded comrade, a look at the line up and down showed that + it was almost a mob, with no shape, but after get-ing forty rods, we + passed the field where men had fallen, and the order to “close up, guide + right,” was given, and in an instant the line was perfect. Then came the + order to trot, and we went a short distance, until the rebels could be + plainly seen behind trees, logs, and in line, firing. We halted and fired + a few rounds from carbines, and then dropped the carbines, on orders. For + a moment nothing was done, when officers ordered every man to draw his + revolver, and when the six charges had been fired, after near-ing the + enemy, to drop the revolver in the holster, and draw sabers, and every man + for himself, but to rally on the colors, at the sound of the bugle, and + not to go too far. Talk about being sick, and going to the hospital, or + driving mules! Coward as I was, and I knew it, there was something about + the air that made me feel that I wouldn't be in the hospital that day for + all the money in the world. All idea of being sorry for the enemy, all + charity, all hope that the war might close before any more men were + killed, was gone. After looking in the upturned faces of our dead and + wounded on the field, the more of the enemy that were killed the better. + It is thus that war makes men brutal, while in active service. They think + of things and do things that they regret immediately after the firing + ceases. The next ten minutes was the nearest thing to hell that I ever + experienced, and it seemed as though my face must look like that of a + fiend. I felt like one. The bugle sounded “forward,” and then there was an + order to trot, and the revolver firing began, with the enemy so near that + you could see their countenances, their eyes. Some of them were mounted, + others were on foot, some on artillery caissons, and all full of fight. It + did not take long to exhaust the revolvers, and then the sabers began to + come out, and the horrible word “charge,” came from a thousand throats, + and every soldier yelled like a Comanche Indian, the line spread out like + a fan, and every soldier on his own hook. Sabers whacked, horses run, + everybody yelled. Men said “I surrender,” “What you jabbing at me for when + I ain't fighting no moah,” “Drop that gun, you Johnnie, and go to the + rear.” Ones of pain and anguish, and awful sounds that a man ought never + to hear but once. The business was all done in ten minutes. + </p> + <p> + Many of our men were killed and wounded, and many of theirs were treated + the same way. Those who could get away, got, and those we passed without + happening to hit them, were prisoners, because the infantry followed and + took them back to the rear. Jim and me stayed as near together as + possible, and we noticed one young Confederate on a mule. His left arm was + hanging limp by his side, and as Jim passed on one side of him and I on + the other, he said, as he held up his right hand, “I dun got enough, and I + surrender.” The thing was about over, the bugle having sounded the + “recall,” and we turned and went back with this Confederate. He was as + handsome a boy as ever fired a gun, and while he was pale from his + shattered left arm, and weak, he said, “You gentlemen are all fine riders, + sir. You fought as well as Southern men, sir.” That was a compliment that + Jim and me acknowledged on behalf of the northern army. He couldn't have + paid our regiment a higher compliment if he had studied a week. Then he + said: “I was a fool to be in this fight. I was a prisoner and was only + exchanged last week. I might have remained at home on a furlough, but when + our army came along yesterday, and the boys said there was going to be a + fight, I took my sisters mule, the only animal on the place, and came + along, and now I am a cripple.” I looked at the mule, and I said to Jim, + in a whisper, “I hope to die if it isn't the angel's mule. That must be + her brother.” Jim was going to ask him what his name was, when we neared + the place, where our regiment was forming and the surgeon of our regiment + came along, and I said, “Doc, I wish you would take this young fellow and + fix up his arm nice. He is a friend of mine. Take him to our regimental + hospital.” Then we went back to the regiment, the prisoners were taken + away, and after marching around through the woods for an hour we rode back + to our camp, and the battle was over. Two or three hours later I went over + to the regimental hospital and found the black-eyed confederate with his + arm dressed, and he was talking with our boys as though he belonged there. + Some one asked how he happened to be there, and the old doctor said he + believed he was a relative of one of our officers. Anyway he was going to + stay there. I gave him a bunch of sutler cigars, and left him, and an hour + later the “angel” showed up, pale as death, and wanted some one to go with + her to the battle held to help find the body of her dead brother. She said + he had arrived home from the North the morning before, and had gone into + the fight, and when the Confederates came back, defeated, past their + plantation, her brother was not among them, and she knew he was dead. I + have done a great many things in my life that have given me pleasure, but + no one that I remember of that made me quite so happy as I was to escort + the girl who had been so kind to me, to the hospital where her brother + was. His wound was not serious, and he sat on a box, smoking a cigar, + telling the boys the news from Wisconsin. He had just come from there, + where he was a prisoner, and he couldn't talk enough about the kindness of + the “people of the nowth.” His sister almost fainted when she found him + alive, then hugged him until I was afraid she would disturb his arm, and + then she sat by him and heard him tell of his visit to Wisconsin. Before + night he was allowed to go home with his sister on parole, and Jim and I + were detailed to go and help bury the dead of the regiment. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I am Detailed to Drive a Six-Mule Team—I am Covered with + Red Mud—I am Sent on an Expedition of Cold-Blooded Murder— + I Make a Dozen ex-Confederate Soldiers Happy by Setting Them + Up in Business. +</pre> + <p> + After the battle alluded to in my last chapter, it took us a week or more + to get brushed up, the dead buried, and everything ready to go to living + again. A battle to a regiment in the field is a good deal like a funeral + in a family at home. When a member of a family is sick unto death, all + looks dark, and when the sick person dies it seems as though the world + could never look bright again. Every time the relatives and friends look + at any article belonging to a deceased friend, the agony comes back, and + it is quite a while before there is any brightness anywhere, but in time + the tear-stained faces become smiling, the lost friend is thought of only + occasionally, and the world moves along just the same. So in the army. For + a few days the thought of comrades being gone forever, was painful, and no + man wanted to ride the horse whose owner had been killed, but within a + week the feeling was all gone, and if a horse was a good one he didn't + stay in the corral very long on account of some good fellow having been + shot off his back. The boys who couldn't remember what was trumps on the + day of the battle—-(and a soldier has got to be greatly interested + in something else to forget what is trumps) returned to their + card-playing, and no one would know, to look at them, that they had passed + through a pretty serious scare, and seen their comrades fall all around. + We told stories of our experience in the army and at home, and entertained + each other. I couldn't tell much, except what a good shot I was with a + shotgun and rifle, and I told some marvelous stories about hitting the + bull's eye. It got to be tiresome waiting around for my commission to + arrive, and I did not quite enjoy being a commissioned high private. + Everybody knew I had been recommended for a commsssion, and they all + called me “Lieutenant,” but all the same I was doing duty as a private. + For two or three clays I was detailed to drive mules for the + quartermaster, and that was the worst service I ever did perform. It + seemed as though the colonel wanted to prepare me for any service that in + the nature of things I was liable to be called upon to perform. I kicked + some at being detailed to drive a six-mule team, but the colonel said I + might see the time when I could save the government a million dol-lars by + being able to jump on to a wheel mule and drive a wagon loaded with + ammunition, or paymaster's cash, out of danger of being captured by the + enemy. So I went to work and learned to gee-haw a six-mule team of the + stubbornest mules in the world, hauling bacon, but there was no romance in + taking care of six mules that would kick so you had to put the harness on + them with a pitchfork, for fear of having your head kicked off. If I ever + get a pension it will be for my loss of character and temper in driving + those mules. I have been in some dangerous places, but I was never in so + dangerous a place, in battle, as I was one day while driving those mules. + One of the lead mules got his forward foot over the bridle some way, and I + went to fix it, and the team started and “straddled” me. As soon as I saw + that I was between the two lead mules, and that the team had started, I + knew my only-safety was in laying down and taking the chances of the three + pairs of mules and wagon going straight over me. To attempt to get out + would mix them all up, so I fell right down in the mud, which was about a + foot deep, and just like soft mortar. As the mules passed on each side of + me, every last one of them kicked at me, and I was under the impression + that each wheel of the wagon kicked at me, but I escaped everything except + the mud, and when I got up on my feet behind the wagon, the quartermaster, + who was ahead on horseback, had stopped the team. He called a colored man + to drive, and told me I could go back to the regiment. I tried to sneak in + the back way, and not see anybody, but when I passed the chaplain's tent a + lot of officers, who had been sampling his sanitary stores, come out, and + one of them recognized me, and they insisted on my stopping and talking + something with them. Honestly, there was not an inch of my clothing but + was covered with, red mud, that every soldier remembers who has been + through Alabama. They had fun with me for half an hour and then let me go. + I have never been able to look at a mule since, without a desire to kill + it. + </p> + <p> + I had said so much about my marksmanship with a rifle, that one day I was + sent for by the colonel. He said he had heard I was a crack shot with the + rifle, and I admitted that I was a pretty good shot. He asked me if I + could hit a man's eye every time at ten paces. I told him I was almost + sure I could. He said he had a duty that must be performed by some man + that was an excellent shot, and I might report at once with forty rounds + of ammunition. I don't know when I had been any more startled than I was + at the colonel's questions, and his manner. Could it be that he had some + secret expedition of murder that he wanted to send me on. I had never + deliberately aimed at a man's eye, and if there was anybody to be killed I + would be no hand to do it in cold blood. It seemed as though I had rather + give anything than to kill a man, but that was evidently the business the + colonel had in his mind. Was it a lot of prisoners that were to be killed + in retaliation for some of our men who had been treated badly by the + enemy. I reported shortly, with my carbine and forty cartridges, and the + colonel told me to go to a certain place on the bank of the river, a mile + away, and report to the chaplain, who would be there to see that + everything was done properly. Then when I started off I heard the colonel + say to the adjutant that there were about forty to be killed, and while it + seemed cruel, it had to be done, and he hoped they would suffer as little + as possible. If I could have had my way, I wouldn't have gone a step. I + reflected on the pained look on the colonel's face, and wondered why I was + picked out for all these sad events, but I thought if the chaplain was + there everything would be all right. Arriving at the placed I found the + chaplain sitting on a stump, on a big bluff overlooking the river. He + sighed as I came up and said: + </p> + <p> + “Death is always a sad thing.” + </p> + <p> + I told him that no one appreciated it more than I did, and I sighed also. + </p> + <p> + “But,” said he, as he took a chew of navy plug tobacco, “when death is + necessary, we should make it as painless as possible, I have been studying + this matter over a good deal, and trying to figure out how to make the + death the least painful to these poor victims, and it has occurred to me + that if we place them on the edge of the precipice, and you shoot them + through the brain, while at the same time I push them, they will fall down + a hundred feet into the river, and if they are not killed instantly by + having the brain blown out, they will certainly drown. How does that + strike you?” + </p> + <p> + I thought the chaplain was about the most heartless cuss I ever heard talk + about killing people, but I said that seemed to me to be the best way, but + a cold chill went over me as I thought of shooting anybody through the + head and the chaplain pushing him down the cliff into the water. I was + just going to ask him what the men had done, when he said: + </p> + <p> + “Ah, there they come.” + </p> + <p> + I looked, and a lot of colored men were leading about forty old + back-number horses and mules, afflicted with glanders and other diseases. + </p> + <p> + “Are the niggers to be killed?” I asked. + </p> + <p> + “Naw,” said the chaplain. “The horses and mules.” + </p> + <p> + I was never so relieved in all my life as I was when I found that my + excellent marksmanship was to be expended on animals instead of human + beings. But I did feel hurt, the idea of a brevet officer, a man qualified + to do deeds of daring, being detailed one day to drive mules and the + next-to shoot sick horses. But I decided to do whatever I had to do, well, + and so preparations were made for the executions. The glandered horses + were brought out first, and then the ones with sore backs. Many of them + were first-rate horses, their only fault being sores made from the + saddles, and as it would take months to cure them up, and as the army was + going to move soon, it had been decided to kill them rather than leave + them to fall into the enemy's hands, or take them along to be cured on the + march. I shot about a dozen glandered horses, that being the largest game + I had ever killed, and the bodies fell down into the river. Then there was + a mule that was ugly, and it occurred to me I would have some fun with the + chaplain. + </p> + <p> + We were outside the lines, and quite a number of men had gathered from the + plantations, on hearing the firing, to see what was up. I suggested to the + chaplain that it was a shame to kill so many good horses, when they might + be of use to some of the planters, but he said they were all rebels, and + it was not the policy of the government to set them up in business, by + giving them horses to use tilling crops. I argued that the men had come + home from the confederate army—this was in 1864—either + discharged for wounds or disability, or paroled prisoners, and they were + anxious to go to work, but that they hadn't a dollar, and our army had + skinned every horse and mule on their places, and the niggers had gone, so + that a horse would be a God-send to them. But the chaplain wouldn't hear + to it. The men, who had collected, were mostly too proud to ask for a + horse from a Yankee, but I could see that they did not like to see the + animals killed. I thought if I could get the chaplain, who had been sent + out to the execution as a sort of humane society, to see that the animals + were killed easy, to go back to camp and leave me alone with the horses, I + could kill them or not, as I chose. They brought out the ugly mule next, + and my idea was to shoot the mule through the tip of the ear, while the + chaplain stood near with a rail to push it over the bank, and maybe the + mule would flax around and kick the chaplain up a tree, or scare him so he + would leave. I took deliberate aim at the mule's ear, told the chaplain to + push hard with the rail so the corpse would be sure to go over the cliff, + and fired. Well, I have never seen such a scene in all my life. The mule + seemed to squat down, when the bullet hit the top of his ear, then he + brayed so loud that it would raise your hat right off your head, then he + jumped into the air and whirled around and kicked in every direction with + all four feet at once, fell down and rolled over towards the chaplain, and + got up, and seeming to think the chaplain was the author of the misery, + started for him, and that good man dodged behind trees until he got a + chance to climb up one, which he did, and sat on a limb and shook his fist + at the mule and me. He used quite strong language at me for not killing + the animal dead. Finally the niggers caught the mule and the chaplain + dismounted from the limb, and came to me. I told him my carbine was out of + order, and I should have to take it apart and fix it, and that there was + no knowing whether it would shoot where I aimed it or not, after it was + fixed, and I might have trouble with the rest of the horses. It would take + an hour at least to fix the gun. He said he guessed he would go back to + camp, and leave me to finish up the slaughter, and that was what I wanted. + The colored men were anxious to go back too, so I let them tie the horses + to trees, and all go back except one, whom I knew. After they had all gone + I went up to the dozen southern men who had been watching the proceedings, + and asked one who was called colonel by the rest, if he didn't think it + was wrong to kill the horses when by a little care they could be of much + use in tilling crops. “Well, sah,” said he with dignity. “If it is not + disloyalty, sah, for a southern gentleman to criticize anything that a + yankee does, I should say, sah, that it was a d——d shame, sah, + to steal our horses, and after using them up, sah, kill them in cold + blood, sah. Each one of those animals sah, would be a gold mine, sah, at + this time, to us who have come from the wah, sah, destitute, with nothing + but our bare hands to make a crop, to keep our families from want, sah.” + </p> + <p> + The other gentlemen nodded at what the colonel had said, as though that + was about their sentiments. I told him that I felt about that way myself, + but there was an objection. If I gave the horses away, for use on the + plantations, and the animals should be used hereafter in the confederate + army, it would not only be wrong, but I would be liable to be dismissed + from the army. + </p> + <p> + The colonel said he should want to be dismissed from the Yankee army if he + was in it, but I might feel different about it. But he said he would + pledge me his word as a Southern gentleman, that if the animals could be + lent to them, they should never be used for war purposes. He said he was + poor, and his friends there were poor, but they would not take a horse as + a gift from a stranger, but if I would lend them the horses for a year, + they would use them, and return them to the proper officer a year hence, + if the army was yet in existence, or they would take them in exchange for + horses that had previously been stolen from them by our army. He said + there was not a gentleman present but had lost from two to a dozen horses + since the army had been in their vicinity. I admired the dignity and + honesty of the old gentleman, and I knew mighty well that we had picked up + every horse we could find, and I said: + </p> + <p> + “Colonel, here are about thirty horses I have been ordered to kill. If I + do not kill them I take a certain responsibility. I feel under obligations + to many Southern people for courtesies, and I feel that the nursing I + received during a recent sickness, from one of your Southern ladies, about + the same as saved my life. I believe the war is very near over, and that + neither you nor our men will have occasion for much more active service. + You have come home to your desolate plantations, and found everything + gone. This is the fate of war, but it is unpleasant all the same. If you + can use these animals for your work, in raising crops, you may take them + in welcome, and if there is any cussing, I will stand it. My advice would + be to take them to some isolated place on your plantation, and keep them + out of sight for a time. Our army will move within a week, and perhaps + never come back here. The animals are branded 'U. S.' which will always + remain. If the horses are found in your possession, later, you may have to + say that they were given to you by an agent of the quartermaster. If they + are taken from you, grin and bear it. If you are permitted to keep them, + and they do you any good, I shall be very glad. If I get hauled over the + coals for giving aid and comfort to the enemy, I will lie out of it some + way, or stand my punishment like a little man. The horses are yours, as + far as I am concerned.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sah, you are a perfect gentleman, sah,” said the colonel, as he + took my hand and shook it cordially. “And I should be proud to entertain + you at my place, sah. We have got little left, sah, but you are welcome to + our home at any time. I am an old man, with a bullet in my leg. Two of my + boys are dead, in Virginia, sah, and I have one boy who is a prisoner at + the north. If he comes home alive, we will be able to make a living and + have a home again. The war has been a terrible blow to us all, sah. I + reckon both sides, sah, have got about enough, and both sides have made + cussed, fools of themselves. When this affair is settled, sah, the north + and south will be better friends than ever, sah. I wish you a long life, + sah.” + </p> + <p> + The other gentlemen expressed thanks, and they picked out two or three + horses apiece and led them away, it seemed to me as happy a lot of + gentlemen as I ever saw. I called the colored man, and we started for + camp. For a five dollar bill, and a promise to always take a deep interest + in the colored man's welfare, I got his promise that he would never tell + anybody about my giving the horses away, and for nearly a year he kept his + promise. I went back to headquarters and reported that the animals had + been disposed of, and that evening I was invited to set into a poker game + with some of the officers, and when we got up I had won over a hundred + dollars. I looked upon the streak of luck as a premium for my kindness to + the gentlemen who took the horses, but some of the officers seemed to have + a suspicion that I concealed cards up my sleeve. It is thus that the best + of us are misunderstood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Demonstrate that Gambling Does Not Pay—I Cause a General + Stampede—Christmas in the Pine Woods of Alabama—Millions + of Dollars, but no Christmas Dinner. +</pre> + <p> + When I went away from the party of officers, where we had been playing + draw-poker, with a hundred dollars in my pocket, which I had won from men + who thought they were pretty good poker players, I felt as though I owned + the earth. I had my hand in my pocket, hold of the roll of greenbacks, and + in that way constantly realized that I was no common pauper. I had never + thought that I was an expert at cards, but this triumph convinced me that + there was more money to be made playing poker than in any other way. I + figured up in my mind that if I could win a hundred dollars a night, and + only played five nights a week, I could lay up two thousand dollars a + month. To keep it up a year would make me rich, and if the war lasted a + couple of years I could go home with money enough to buy out the best + newspaper in Wisconsin. It is wonderful what a train of thought a young + man's first success in gambling, or speculation, brings to him. I went to + bed with my hundred dollars buttoned inside my flannel shirt, and dreamed + all night about holding four aces, full hands, and three of a kind. All + that night, in my sleep, I never failed to “fill” when I drew to a hand. I + made up my mind to break every officer in the regiment, at poker, and then + turn my attention to other regiments, and win all the money the paymaster + should bring to the brigade. I got up in the morning with a headache, and + thought how long it would be before night, when we could play poker again, + and I wondered why we couldn't play during the day, as there was nothing + else going on. It got rumored around the regiment that I had cleaned the + officers out at poker the night before, and the boys seemed glad that a + private had made them pay attention. I had not yet got my commsssion, and + so any victory I might achieve was considered a victory for a private + soldier. Several of the boys congratulated me. The nearest I ever come to + quarreling with my old partner, Jim, was over this poker business. I + showed him my roll, and told him how I had cleaned the officers out, and + instead of feeling good over it, Jim said I was a confounded fool. I tried + to argue the matter with Jim, but he couldn't be convinced, and insisted + that they had made a fool of me, and had let me win on purpose, and that + they would win it all back, and all I had besides. He said I had better + let the chaplain take the hundred dollars to keep for me, and stay away + from that poker game, and I would be a hundred ahead, but I didn't want + any second-class chaplain to be a guardian over me, and I told Jim I was + of age, and could take care of myself. Jim said he thought I had some + sense before I was commsssioned, but it had spoiled me. He said in less + than a week I would be borrowing money of him. I knew better, and went + around camp with my thumbs stuck in my armholes, and felt big. It was an + awful long day, but I put in the time thinking how I would draw cards, and + bet judiciously, and finally night came, and I went over to the major's + tent, where the officers usually congregated. I was early, and had to wait + half an hour before the crowd showed up. As they came in each had + something to say to me. “Here's the man who walked off with our wealth + last night,” said one. “Here's our victim,” said another. “We will send + him to his tent tonight without a dollar.” They chaffed me a good deal, + but I made up my mind that I could play as well as they could, and some of + them were old fellows that had played poker before I was born. Well, we + went to work, and the first hand I got I lost ten dollars. It was the + history of all smart Aleck's, and there is no use of going into details. + In less than an hour they had won the hundred dollars, and fifty that I + had sewed inside my shirt to keep for a rainy day, and they had joked me + every time I bet until I was exasperated to such an extent that I could + have killed them. Winning or losing money with them was a mere pastime, + and they seemed to enjoy losing about as much as winning. I was too proud, + or too big a fool to leave the game when I had lost all I had, and I + borrowed a little of each of them, and lost it, and then I said I was + tired and I guessed I would go to bed, and I went out, dizzy and sick at + heart, and the officers laughed so I could hear them clear to my tent. On + the way to my tent, and as I walked around for half an hour before going + there, I thought over what a fool I was, how I had forgotten all the good + advice ever given me by my friends. Knowing that I was not intended by + nature for a gambler, I had gone in with my eyes open, made a temporary + success, got the big head, as all boys do, and gone back and laid down my + bundle, and become the laughing stock of the whole crowd. I figured up + that I was just an even hundred dollars out of pocket, and decided that I + would never try to get it back. I would simply swear off gambling right + there, forget that I knew one card from another, pay up my gambling debts + when I got my first pay, and never touch a card again. + </p> + <p> + That was the wisest conclusion that I ever come to. After I had walked + around until my head cleared off a little, I went in the tent sly and + still, to go to bed without letting Jim hear me. I was ashamed, and didn't + want to talk. I heard Jim roll over on his bunk, and he said: + </p> + <p> + “Bet ten dollars, pard, that you lost all you had.” + </p> + <p> + “Jim, I won't bet with you. I have sworn off betting intirely.” + </p> + <p> + “Help yourself,” said Jim, as he reached over his greasy old pocketbook to + me. “Take all you want, now that you have come to your senses. But you + must admit that what I said about your being a fool, was true.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and an idiot, and an ass,” I said, as I handed back Jim's money. + “But that settles it. I will never gamble another cent's worth as long as + I live, and if I see a friend of mine gambling, I will try and break him + of the habit. There is nothing in it, and I went to sleep, and didn't + dream any more about winning all the money in camp.” + </p> + <p> + Two days before Christmas our cavalry, consisting of a full brigade, + started on a raid, or a march through the enemy's country, and as I could + not act as an officer very well, before my commission arrived, and as the + colonel seemed to hate to see me in the ranks when I was looked upon as an + officer, he sent me to brigade headquarters on a detail to carry the + brigade colors. The brigade colors consisted of a blue guidon, on a pole. + The butt end of the pole, or staff, was inserted in a socket of leather + fastened to my stirrup, and I held on to the staff with my right hand when + on the march, guiding my horse with my left hand, When the command halted + the colors were planted in the ground in front of the place which the + brigade commander had selected. On the march I rode right behind the + brigade commander and his staff, with the body guard to protect the + precious colors. I was glad of this position, because it took me among + high officials, and if there was anything I doted, on it was high + officers. The colonel had told me that I must be on my good behavior, and + salute the officers of the staff, whenever they came near me. He said the + brigade commander was a strict disciplinarian, and wouldn't put up with + any monkey business. The first hour of my service as color bearer came + near breaking up the brigade. I was perhaps forty feet behind the brigade + commander and his staff, riding as stiff as though I was a part of the + horse, and feeling as proud as though I owned the army. Suddenly the + colonel and staff turned out of the road, and faced to the rear, and + started to ride back to one of the regiments in the rear. I saw them + coming, and felt that I must salute them. How to do it was a puzzle to me. + If I saluted with my left hand, it would be wrong, besides I would have to + drop the reins, and my horse might start to run, as he was prancing and + putting on as much style as I was. If I saluted with my right hand, I + should have to let go the flag staff. The salute must be sudden, so I + could grasp the staff very quick, before it toppled over. It took a great + head to decide what to do, and I had to decide quick. Just as the brigade + commander got opposite me I let go the flag stair, brought my right hand + quickly to the right eye, as nice a salute as a man ever saw, and returned + it to grab the flag stall. But it was too late. As soon as my right hand + let go of the staff, it fell over and the gilt dart on the end of the + staff struck the general's horse in the flank, he jumped sideways against + the adjutant-general's horse, and his horse fell over the brigade + surgeon's horse, the general's horse run under a tree, and brushed the + general off, and the whole staff was wild trying to hold their horses, and + jumping to catch the general's horse, and pick the general off the ground. + In the meantime my horse had got frightened at the staff and flag that was + dragging on the ground, with one end in the socket in the stirrup, the + pole tickling him in the ribs, and he began to dance around, and whirl, + and knock members of the color-guard off their horses, and they stampeded + to the woods leaving me in the road, on a frightened horse, whirliing + around, unmanageable, the start striking trees and horses, until the staff + was broken. + </p> + <p> + The regiment in the rear of us saw the commotion, saw the general + dismounted, and the colors on the ground, and a general stampede in front, + and, thinking the general and staff had been ambushed by the rebels, and + many killed, the colonel ordered his men forward on a charge, and, in less + time than it takes to write it, the woods were full of charging soldiers, + looking for an imaginary enemy, a surgeon had opened up a lot of remedies, + and all was confusion, and I was the innocent cause of it all. I had seen + my mistake as soon as the flag staff knocked the general off his horse, + and when I dismounted and picked up the flag, and the pieces of the staff, + and found myself surrounded by excited troops, I wondered if the general + would pull his revolver and shoot me himself, or order some of the + soldiers to kill me. For choice I had rather have been killed by a volley + from a platoon of soldiers, but I recognized the fact that the general had + a perfect right to kill me. In fact I wanted him to shoot me. I was + trimming the limbs off a sapling for a makeshift flag staff, when I saw + the crowd open, and the general walked towards me. His face was a trifle + pale, except where the red clay from the road covered it, and I felt that + the next moment or two would decide in what manner I was to meet my doom. + I remembered what the colonel had told me, about the general being a + strict disciplinarian, and wondered if it wouldn't help matters if I + should fall on my knees and say a little prayer, or ask him to spare my + life. I wondered if I would be justified in drawing my revolver and trying + to get the drop on the general. But I had no time to think it over, for he + come right up to me, and said: + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon, my young friend, for the trouble and annoyance I have + caused you. I should have known better than to ride so near you, and + frighten your horse, when you had only one hand to guide the animal. Are + you hurt? No; well, I am very glad. Ah, the flag staff is broken! Let me + help you tack the flag on the sapling. Orderly, bring me some nails. Let + me whittle the bark off the sapling, so it will not hurt your hands. When + we get into camp tonight, and the wagons come up, I will see that you have + another staff. There, don't feel bad about it. There is no damage.” + </p> + <p> + Bless his soul! I could, have hugged him for his kindness. When he came + towards me, I was mad and desperate, and when he spoke kind words to me, + my chin trembled, and I felt like a baby. He stopped the brigade for half + an hour, to help fix up my flag, and all the time talked so kindly to me, + that when the thing was fixed, I felt remorse of conscience, and said: + “General, I am entirely to blame myself. I tried to perform the impossible + feat of saluting you and holding the colors at the same time, which I am + satisfied now cannot be done successfully. Lay it all to me.” + </p> + <p> + “I knew it,” said the good old general, “and I was going to tell you that + you are not expected to salute anybody when you have the colors. You are a + part of the flag, then. You will learn it all by and by,” and he mounted + his horse and rode away about his business, as cool as though nothing had + happened, and left me feeling that he was the best man on earth. Further + acquaintance with the old man taught me that he was one of nature's + noblemen. He was an Illinois farmer, who had enlisted as a private, and + had in time become colonel of his regiment, and had been placed in command + of this brigade. Every evening he would take an axe and cut up fire-wood + enough for headquarters, and he was not above cleaning off his horse if + his servant was sick, or did not do it to suit, and frequently I have seen + him greasing his own boots. + </p> + <p> + Two days out, and we were in the pine woods of Alabama, with no habitation + within ten miles. After a day's march we went into camp in the woods, and + it was the afternoon before Christmas. The young pines, growing among the + larger ones, were just such little trees as were used at home for + Christmas trees, and within an hour after getting the camp made, every man + thought of Christmas at home. The boys went off into the woods and got + holly, and mistletoe, and every pup tent of the whole brigade was + decorated, and they hung nose bags, grain sacks, army socks and pants on + the trees. Around the fires stakes had been driven to hang clothes on to + dry, and as night came and the pitch pine fires blazed up to the tops of + the great pines, it actually looked like Christmas, though there was not a + Christmas present anywhere. After supper the brigade band began to play + patriotic airs, with occasionally an old fashioned tune, like “Old + Hundred,” the woods rung with music from the boys who could sing, and + everybody was as happy as I ever saw a crowd of people, and when it came + time to retire the band played “Home, Sweet Home,” and three thousand + rough soldiers went to bed with tears in their eyes, and every man dreamed + of the dear ones at home, and many prayed that the home ones might be + happy, and in the morning they all got up, stripped the empty Christmas + stockings off the evergreen trees, put them on, and went on down the red + road, and at noon the army entered Montgomery, Alabama, the first capital + of the confederate states, took possession of the capital building in + which were millions of dollars of confederate money and bonds. Every + soldier filled his pockets and saddle bags with bonds and bills of large + denominations. It was a poor soldier that could not count up his half a + million dollars, but with all the money no man could buy a Christmas + dinner. A dollar in greenbacks would buy more than all of the wagon loads + of confederate currency captured that day. And yet the people of + Montgomery looked upon the arrival of the Yankees much as they would the + arrival of a pestilence. However, it was not many days before a better + understanding was arrived at, and Yankee blue and Confederate gray got + mixed up, and acquaintances were made that ripened into mutual respect and + in some cases love. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Go on a Scouting Expedition—My Horse Dies of Poison— + I Turn Horse-Thief—I Capture a Church, Congregation, and + Ministers, but I Spare the Communion Wine. +</pre> + <p> + Let's see, the last chapter left me with a million dollars, more or less, + of confederate money in my possession, and yet I had not enough to buy a + square meal. I think there was no one thing that caused, the people of the + confederate states, outside of their army, to realize the hopelessness of + their cause, along in '64, as much as the relative value of confederate + money and greenbacks. Of course the confederate soldiers, poor fellows, + realized the difference some, when they could get hold of greenbacks, but + the people of the south who did not have rations furnished them, and who + had to skirmish around and buy something to live upon, early learned that + a greenback was worth “two in the bush,” as it were. No community in the + south was more loyal to the confederacy than the people of Montgomery, + Alabama. They tried to use confederate currency as long as there was any + hope, and they tried hard to despise the greenbacks; but when it got so + that a market basket full of their own currency was looked upon with + suspicion by their own dealers in eatables, and a greenback was sought + after by the dealer, and its possessor was greeted with a smile while the + overloaded possessor of confederate currency was frowned upon, more in + sorrow than in anger, however, a wild desire took possession of the people + to get hold of the hated greenbacks; and a soldier or army follower who + had a good supply of greenbacks was met more than half way in + reconciliation; and little jobs were put up to get the money that made + many ashamed, but they had to have greenbacks. Many would have given their + lives if confederate money could have been as good as the money of the + invaders, but it was not and never could be, and it was not an hour after + the enemy was in Montgomery before people who had been loyal to the south + up to that hour and believed in its currency, went back on it completely, + and they cherished the greenback and hugged it to their bosoms like an old + friend. They had rather had gold, but good green paper would buy so much + more than any currency they had known for years, that they snatched it + greedily. And many of them enjoyed the first real respect for the Union + that they had had for four years, when they met the well-fed and + well-clothed Union soldiers, who did not seem as bad as they had been + painted, the poorest one of which had more money in his pockets than the + richest citizen of supposed wealth. The people seemed surprised to meet + well-dressed private soldiers who could converse on any subject, and who + seemed capable of doing any kind of business. Fires broke out in many + places in the city, and Union soldiers went to work with the primitive + fire apparatus at hand and put out the fires. Locomotives had been thrown + from the track of the railroad in an attempt to destroy them, and private + soldiers were detailed to put the locomotives together and run them, which + they did, to the surprise of the people. An officer would take charge of a + quantity of captured property, and he would detail the first half-dozen + soldiers he met to go and make out an invoice of the property, and the + boys would do it as well as the oldest southern merchant. A planter that + could not speak anything but French would come to the captain, of a + company to complain of something, and the captain after vainly trying to + understand the man, would turn to some soldier in his company and say, + “Here Frenchy, talk to this man, and see what he wants,” and the soldier + would address the planter in French, politely, and in a moment the + difficulty would be settled, and the planter would go away bowing and + smiling. Any language could be spoken by the soldiers, and any business + that ever was transacted could be done by them. A soldier printer visited + the office of a city paper, and in a conversation with the editor informed + him that there were editors enough in his regiment to edit the New York <i>Herald</i>. + At first the better class of citizens, the old fathers in Israel, of the + confederacy, stood aloof from the new soldiers in blue, expecting them to + be insolent, as conquerors are sometimes supposed to be; but soon they saw + that the boys were as mild a mannered and friendly and jolly a lot as they + ever saw, not the least inclined to gloat over their fallen enemy, and at + times acting as though they were sorry to make any trouble; and it was not + long before boys in blue and citizens in gray were playing billiards + together, with old gentlemen keeping count for them, old fellows, who a + week before would have been insulted if any one had told them they would + ever speak to a Yankee soldier. The second day the southern ladies, who + had kept indoors, came out and promenaded the beautiful streets, and + seemed to enjoy the sight of the bright uniforms, and before night + acquaintances had been made, and it did not cause any remark to see Union + officers and soldiers waiting with ladies, talking with animation, and + laughing pleasantly. It almost seemed, as though the war was over. + </p> + <p> + It was about this time that I stole my first horse. I had ridden horses + that had been “captured” from the enemy, in fair fights, and that had been + accumulated in divers ways by the quartermaster, and issued to the men, + but I never deliberately stole a horse. Two or three companies of my + regiment had gone off on a scout, to be gone a couple of days, leaving the + command at Montgomery, and one day we were encamped on an old abandoned + field, taking dinner. The horses and mules were grazing near us, and there + was no indication that any epidemic was about to break out. We were about + sixty miles from Montgomery, and were cooking our last meal, expecting to + make a forced march and be back before morning. I had got the midday meal + for Jim and myself cooked, the bacon, sweet potatoes, coffee and so forth, + and spread upon a horse blanket on the ground, and we were just about to + sit down to eat, when a mule that had been browsing near us, and snooping + into our affairs, attracted our attention. All of a sudden the animal + became rigid, and stood up as stiff as possible, then its muscles relaxed, + and it became limber, and whirled around and brayed, backed up towards us, + and as we rushed away to keep from being kicked, the mule fell over in a + fit directly on our beautifully cooked dinner, rolled over on the bacon + and potatoes and coffee, and trembled and brayed, and died right there. I + looked at Jim and Jim looked at me. “Well, condam a mule, anyway,” said + Jim. “That animal has been ready to die for two hours, and just to show + its cussedness, it waited until we had our dinner cooked, the last morsel + we had, and then it fell in a fit, and expired on our dining table.” I + made some remark not complimentary to the mule as a member of society and + we went to the corpse and pulled it around to see if we couldn't save a + mouthful or two that could be eaten. We could not, as everything was + crushed into the ground. I suggested that we cut a steak out of the mule, + and broil it, but Jim said he was not going to be a cannibal, if he knew + his own heart. While we were looking at the remains of our meal, my horse, + the rebel horse that I had rode so many months, and loved so, which was + hitched near, lay down, began to groan and kick, and in two minutes he was + dead. Then Jim's horse went through the same performance and died, and by + that time there was a commotion all around camp, horses and mules dying + suddenly, until within half an hour there were only a dozen animals alive, + and forty cavalrymen, at least, were horseless. The camp looked like a + battle field. Nobody knew what was the matter of the animals, until an old + negro, who lived near, came out and said, “You uns ought to know better + than to let you horses eat dat sneeze weed. Dat is poison. Kills animals, + just like rat poison.” And then he showed us a weed, with a square stem, + that grew there, and which was called sneeze weed. He said native animals + would not touch it, but strange animals eat it because it was nice and + green. Well, we were in a fix. The men were called together, and the major + told them there was nothing to do but to take their saddles and bridles on + their backs and walk to Montgomery, unless they could steal a horse. He + advised us to scatter into parties of two or three, enough to protect + ourselves from possible attack, go on cross roads, and to plantations, + forage for something to eat, and take the first horse or mule we could + find, and report to Montgomery as soon as possible. Jim and I, of course, + decided to stand by each, other, and after the men who had not lost their + horses, had rode away, the forty dismounted men shouldered their saddles, + and started in different directions, seeking some other men's horses. I + never had realized that a cavalry saddle was so heavy, before. Mine seemed + to weigh a ton. We struck a cross road, and followed it for two or three + miles, when I called a council of war, with Jim. I told him that it was + all foolishness to lug those heavy saddles all over the Southern + Confederacy. If we succeeded in stealing horses, we could probably steal + saddles, also, or if not we could get a sheepskin. I told Jim I would + receipt to him for his saddle, and then I would leave them in a fence + corner, and if we ever got back to the regiment I would report the saddle + lost in action. + </p> + <p> + Jim said I had a great head, and he consented, and we left our saddles and + moved on. Jim said that now we had only a bridle and a pair of spurs, we + were more like regularly ordained horse-thieves. He said the most + successful horse-thief he ever knew in Wisconsin never had anything but a + halter as his stock in trade. He would go out with a halter, with a rope + on the end, pick up a horse, put the rope in the horse's mouth, and ride + away, and nobody could catch him. I asked Jim if he didn't feel + humiliated, a loyal soldier, to class himself with horse-thieves. He said + when he enlisted he made up his mind to do nothing but shoot rebels + through the heart or the left lung. It was his idea to be a sharpshooter, + and aim at the button on the left breast of the enemy, but when he found + that lots of the rebels didn't have any buttons on their coats and that he + might shoot all day at a single rebel and not hit him, and that shooting + into them in flocks didn't seem to diminish the enemy the least bit, he + had made up his mind to turn his hand to anything; and if the rebellion + could be put down easier by his stealing horses at thirteen dollars a + month, he would do it if ordered. He said we were only putting in time, + promenading around, and we should get our salary all the same. And so we + wandered on, talking the thing over. When we came to a plantation we would + walk all around it, and examine the woods and swamps adjacent, because the + people of the South had learned that a horse or a mule was not safe + anywhere out of the most impenetrable swamp. It was dark when Jim and I + decided to camp for the night, and we went into a deserted cotton gin and + prepared for a sleep. It was almost dark, and Jim said he had just seen a + chicken, near a cabin, fly up in a peach tree to roost, and he was going + to have the chicken as soon as it was dark. I laid down on some refuse + cotton, and Jim went out after the chicken. I had fallen asleep when Jim + returned, and he had the chicken, and a skillet, and a couple of canteens + of water. I crawled out of my nest and built a fire, while Jim dressed the + chicken, and got the water to boiling, and the chicken was put in. For + three hours we boiled the chicken, but each hour made it tougher. I told + Jim he might be a success as a horse-thief, but when it come to stealing + tender poultry he was a lamentable failure, but he said it was the only + hen on the place, and if I didn't want to eat it I could retire to my + couch and he would set up with the hen. I was so hungry, and the smell of + the boiling hen was so Savory, that I remained awake, and at about + midnight Jim announced that he had succeeded in prying off a piece of the + breast, so we speared the hen out of the water, laid it on the frame of a + grindstone in the gin-house, and sat down to the festive board. “Will you + have the light or the dark meat,” asked Jim, with a politeness that would + have done credit to a dancing-master. I told, him I preferred the dark + meat, so he took hold of one leg and I the other, and we pulled the hen + apart. The hen seemed to be copper-rivetted, for when I got a chunk of it + down, and it chinked up a vacant place in the stomach, it did seem as + though there was nothing like hen to save life. We eat sparingly that + night, because we were weak, and the hen was strong, and we laid down and + slept peacefully, and awoke in the morning hungry. When the hen became + cold, in the morning it <i>was</i> tough. “Will you have some of the cold + chicken,” said Jim, and I told him I would try a little. It was better + than India rubber, and we made a breakfast and started on. It was Sunday. + As we came out to the main road, we saw people dressed up, that is, with + clean shirts. As ten o clock approached we could see colored people and + white, wending their way to a little church in the pine woods. We kept out + of sight, and waited, several parties passed us on horseback, some in + carriages, and many on foot. Presently three soldiers of our scattered + party came along carrying saddles, and we called them into the woods, + where we were. I unfolded to them my scheme, which was to surround that + church, hold the worshippers as prisoners inside, while we stole the + horses that would be hitched to the fence. Jim kicked on it. He said he + had rather walk than to interfere with people who were enjoying their + religion. He said he was never very pious himself, but his parents were, + and he should always hate himself if he helped to raid that church. The + other fellows were for going for the horses. Pretty soon four more of our + boys came along, and we called them in. They had got on to the church + services, and had their eyes on the horses. That made nine of us, and as + we were armed, we believed we could capture those old men and women and + negroes, and get the horses. + </p> + <p> + Being a brevet officer I was placed in command of the party, and a plan + was agreed upon. We were to scatter and surround the church, and ask the + people outside to step inside, and then lock the door, and place a guard + on three sides of the little old church where there were windows, but not + to fire a gun unless attacked, and not to speak disrespectfully to any + person. If there was any argument with anybody, I was to do the talking. + We decided to take about fifteen horses, if there were that number there, + because we would be sure to find some of our scattered boys dismounted + before we got far toward Montgomery, and it was a good idea to take horses + when we had a chance. Well, it was a job I did not like, but what was a + fellow to do. We were sixty miles from headquarters, on foot and out of + meat. I had never been in a church row before. It seemed as though + religious worshippers ought to be exempt from war, with its wide + desolation. But business was business. We surrounded the church, walking + up quietly from different directions, and as we closed up on the sacred + edifice half a dozen men, white and colored, were standing in front, and + two men were talking over a horse trade. The minister was expounding the + gospel, talking loud, and all else was still. We invited the outsiders to + go in, which they did with some reluctance, the door was fastened on the + outside, guards were placed, and the preaching stopped. The minister had + been informed that the yankees had captured the place. There were only two + sides of the church with windows, so two guards were sufficient, and the + rest of us went to work skinning the harnesses off the horses. A window + was raised and an old man stuck his head out and said, as one of the boys + was mounting an old mare belonging to him, “I forbid you touching that + mare.” A carbine was pointed at the window, and the old man drew in his + head, and the window was slammed down. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/287.jpg" alt="I Forbid You Touching That Mare 287 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + We had got sixteen pretty good horses, when a window on the other side + opened, and the minister's head was put out, and he said, “In the name of + the church I command you to desist.” He looked so fierce that Jim, who was + on guard on that side, and who had objected to the scheme on account of + its being a church, cocked his carbine and pointed it at the minister and + said, “gol darn you, dry up!” He dried up, the window closed and except + for the heads at the windows, and faces looking very mad, all was quit. + When we had got the horses strung out, and the men were mounted, I looked + in a carriage, accidentally, and saw a basket, covered over with a paper. + The paper was a religious one, published at Savannah, and being a + newspaper man, I looked at the leading editorial, which was headed, “The + Lord will provide.” I never took much stock in regular stereotyped + editorials, but when I turned my eye from the editorial to the basket, I + realized than an editorial in a religious newspaper, was liable to contain + much truth, for the basket was filled with as fine a lunch as a man ever + saw. It seemed that the people came quite a long distance to church, and + brought their dinner, remaining to the afternoon services. O, but I was + hungry. I looked in several other carriages, and found baskets in each. + Every man in my party was as hungry as a she wolf, and I knew they would + not leave a mouthful if they once got to going on the lunches, and as it + wasn't the policy of my government to take the bread from the mouths of + Sunday-school children, I decided to divide the lunches. So I appointed + Jim and an Irishman to help me, and we opened all the baskets and took + half. Jim came to one basket with two loaves of bread and two bottles of + wine, and he stopped. + </p> + <p> + He said, “Pard, that lay-out in the big basket, with the silver pitcher, + is for the communion. I'm a bold buccaneer of the Spanish main, but I'll + be cussed if I touch that.” + </p> + <p> + The Irishman said no power on earth could get him to touch it, and he + crossed himself reverently, and we left the communion lay-out, and passed + the half we had taken from the baskets around among the boys, and they eat + as though a special providence had provided them with appetites and means + of satisfying them. After enjoying the meal the boys said we ought to + return thanks for the good things the pious people had provided for us, so + I went to the door of the church, opened it, and faced the congregation. + There were old and young, and some of them looked mad, and I didn't blame + them. In a few well chosen remarks I addressed the minister, telling him I + regretted the circumstances, but it was necessary to do what we had done. + We had tried to do it as pleasantly as possible, but no doubt it seemed + hard to them. I said we had got to go to Montgomery, and that if any of + them who had lost their horses, would come there within a few days, I had + no doubt the proper authorities would return them their horses, but that + they must stand the loss of a half of their lunch, as we had divided it up + as square as we knew how. One young Confederate soldier, with an empty + sleeve, who had come to church with his mother, and who could, no doubt, + realize the situation better than the rest, said, “That is all right, Mr. + Yankee. I would do the same thing, under the circumstances, if I was in + your country, horseless and hungry.” There were some murmurs of + dissatisfaction, some smiled at the situation, and we mounted and rode + away. Before we were out of sight the whole congregation was out of the + church, under the pine trees, taking an account of stock, or lost stock, + and no doubt saying hard things of the Yankees. We traveled all day and + nearly all night, picked up some of our dismounted men, and arrived in + Montgomery the next day before noon. In a few days my one-armed + confederate soldier, who was home from the army in Virginia, having been + discharged for disability, came to Montgomery with the people who had lost + their horses at the church, and I had the satisfaction of seeing many of + them either receive their animals back, or vouchers from the + quartermaster, by which they got pay from the government for the animals. + And I entertained the one-armed confederate for two days, and we became + great friends. Two years ago I met him in Georgia, grown gray, and found + him connected with a Georgia railroad, and we had a great laugh over my + capture of the congregation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Spotted Horse—His Shameful Behaviour at a Funeral—I + was Tempted to Have My Horse Shot—But I Traded Him to the + Chaplain. +</pre> + <p> + It seemed to me that my luck was the worst of any man's in the army, and I + was constantly getting into situations that caused, my conduct to be + talked about. When we raided the church, mentioned last week, for horses, + I saw a nice white horse with red spots on him, with a saddle, and being + the commander of the squad of horse-thieves, it was no more than right for + me to take my choice first, so I chose the spotted horse, and thought I + had the showiest horse in the army. The animal was a sort of Arabian, and + before I had rode him a mile I was in love with him. then I got to + Montgomery a man told me that horse used to belong to a circus that closed + up there the first year of the war, and was sold to a planter. He said the + horse was considered one of the finest ever seen in the South. I felt much + elated over my capture, and refused several offers to trade. I thought no + horse was too good for me, and for two or three days I did nothing but + feed and groom my spotted horse, until his coat shone like satin, and he + felt so kitteny that I was almost afraid to get on his back. One morning + an order was issued for the regiment to turn out in a body to attend the + funeral of a major of one of the regiments, who had died, and I was sent + for to carry the brigade colors, a position I had been relieved from after + we arrived at Montgomery. The boys all dressed up in their best, and I + looked about as slick as any of them, and with my spotted horse, I felt as + though I would attract about as much attention as any of the officers in + the procession. At the proper time I mounted my horse and rode over to + brigade headquarters, not without some difficulty, for my horse saw the + crowd on the streets, and evidently thought it was circus day, for he + pranced and snorted, and walked with one fore-foot at a time, pawing as + you have seen a horse in a circus, trained to walk that way. As I rode up + to brigade headquarters and stopped, I must have touched my horse with my + foot somewhere, for he got down on his knees, and as I got off, the horse + laid down right in front of the colonel's tent, just as he would in a + circus. Even then I did not realize that the confounded brute was a circus + trick-horse. He had been taught to lay down, evidently, at a certain + signal. And he laid there, looking up at me with his cunning eyes, waiting + for me to give the signal for him to get up, but I “did not know the + combination,” and he wouldn't get up for kicking, so I stood there like a + fool waiting to see what he would do next. The colonel commanding the + brigade, the nice old man who had helped me out of my difficulty with my + other horse, on the march when he got on a tantrum, come out of his tent + and said he guessed my horse was sick, and he told an orderly to go to the + cook house and get a little red pepper and let the horse take a snuff of + it. In the meantime my horse got up on his fore feet and sat on his + haunches, like a dog, just as circus horses always do, reached up his neck + and took a nice white silk handkerchief out of the breast of the colonel's + coat, and held it in his mouth. It was a circus trick, and I knew it, but + the colonel said, “Poor horse, he is sick,” and as the orderly come with + the red pepper the colonel held it to the horse's nose. The horse got up, + and I mounted, and it must have been about that time that the red pepper + began its work, for my horse stood on his fore feet and kicked up, then + got on his hind feet and reared up, and snorted, and come down on the + colonel's tent, and crushed it to the-ground, and broke the colonel's camp + cot, got tangled in the guy ropes, and tore everything loose and jumped + out in the street, and began to paw and snort. I suppose there was a + thousand people around by that time, soldiers and citizens, and I sat + there on that horse and wished I was dead, and I guess the colonel did so + too. + </p> + <p> + Finally it was time to move, and the colonel sent out the brigade colors + to me, and the start started up street towards the funeral. My horse + started with them, and seemed proud of the flag, and I guess he would have + gone along all right, only a band down the street began to play a waltz. + Do you know, that spotted horse began to waltz around just as though he + was in a circus, and I couldn't keep him straight to save me. The colonel + seemed mortified, as we were approaching the place where the services were + to be held, and it was necessary to appear solemn. Finally we began to get + out of hearing of the band, and my horse stopped waltzing, but he kept up + a-dancing, and snorting from the red pepper, until I could have killed + him. When the colonel and his staff, including myself and the + circus-horse, arrived at the place where the funeral was, another band was + playing a very solemn sort of a funeral tune, and for a wonder my horse + did not act up at all. He seemed to stand and think, as though trying to + make out what kind of music it was. He had evidently never heard such + music in the circus and did not know what to do. When the body was brought + out of the house, and the procession started down the street for the + grave, a drum major, with a staff in his hand, came along by me, and I + have always thought my horse took the drum major for the ring master of a + circus, for he reared up and walked on his hind feet, and pawed the air, + and made a spectacle of me that made me so ashamed that I wanted to be + killed. I had the brigade colors in one hand, and had only one hand and + two feet to cling on the horse by, and I must have looked like a cat + climbing the roof of a whitewashed barn. The drum major got scared at my + horse walking towards him in that way, and he lost his bear-skin cap off + and fell over it, and rolled in the sand, and the horse, thinking that was + a part of the circus turned and kicked at the drum major with both his + hind feet, until the poor assistant musician got up and climbed over a + fence. The horse got quiet then, only he began to nibble his fore leg, as + though trying to untie a handkerchief that the clown had tied on, as they + do in the circus. The colonel rode up to me, and with a good deal of + indignation, asked me what I. meant by causing ourselves to become a + spectacle for gods and men on so solemn an occasion. He said he was + tempted to have my horse shot, and me placed in the guard-house. I told + him I hoped to die if I could help it. I said the horse seemed to be + possessed to do some circus business wherever he went. I confided to the + colonel that the horse had been a circus-horse before the war, and the + music and tinsel, and crowd that he saw, had turned his head and made him + think that he was again with his beloved circus, where he had spent the + best years of his life. The colonel said I ought to have known better than + to bring a circus horse to a funeral. Well, when the drum major got out of + sight the horse acted better, and we went along all right, the solemn + music of the march to the grave seeming to take the circus out of him. He + didn't do anything out of the way on the march, except to put out his + fore-feet stiff, and keep time to the music, like a trained circus horse, + which attracted a good deal of attention among the citizens on the street, + who seemed to know the horse. Just as we got out at che edge of town he <i>did</i> + make one raw break. There was a colored drayman, with his dray backed up + towards the procession, and when my circus horse saw the dray, before I + could prevent him, he whirled around and put his fore feet upon the hind + end of the dray, put one foot on the top of a stake on the dray, and stood + there for a minute, like a horse statute, until I jerked him down off of + there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/297.jpg" + alt="Stood There for a Minute, Like A Horse Statute 297 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + O, I was so mortified that my teeth fairly ached, and the perspiration + stood out on me in great beads. A staff officer of the general commanding, + came along to the colonel, presented the compliments of the general, and + asked if he could not do something to prevent that redheaded clown on the + spotted horse from doing any more circus acts until after the last sad + rites had been performed. The colonel said it should be stopped, and told + the start officer to present his compliments to the general and say that + he was humiliated beyond endurance by the performance of the horse, but + that the young man riding the horse was not to blame, as he had done all + in his power to keep the circus tendencies of the horse down, but he added + that he would have the horse shot if there was any more of it. + </p> + <p> + The horse kept quiet until we had got to the cemetery, and returned to + town. As we got into a wide street there was an old circus ring, partly + grown up with weeds, near where the division quartermaster had a large + tent inside a picket fence, filled with quartermaster stores. If I had + known anything, I would have kept the horse's head turned away from the + circus ring, and the tent, but I thought there would be no more trouble. + Just as we got opposite the ring, the band, which had heretofore played + dead marches, struck up a regular ripety-rap-rap-boom-boom circus tune, + and I felt the horse tremble all over. Before I could think twice, the + confounded horse had tried to jump through the bass drum, had knocked the + drummer down, and jumped into the circus ring. I sawed on the bit and + tried to stop him, and dug into his ribs with the spurs, but he galloped + around the circus ring three or four times, and stopped still, as though + expecting a clown would come up and say, “What will the little lady have + now?” O, if I could have had one more hand to use, I would have drawn my + revolver and put a bullet through the brain of the wretched horse, who was + making me the laughing stock of the whole army, and the citizens. + </p> + <p> + The procession moved on towards camp, the colonel seeming relieved to have + me out of sight, with my spotted horse, and a crowd of citizens, boys and + niggers collected around the ring, yelling and laughing. I made one + desperate effort and reined the horse out of the ring, and just then he + caught sight of the quartermaster's tent across the road, and evidently + thinking it was the dressing-room of the circus, he started for it on a + run, jumped the picket fence as though it was a circus hurdle, and rushed + in the door of the tent where a dozen clerks were weighing out commissary + stores, stopped suddenly, and I went over his head, into a barrel of + ground, coffee. The clerks picked me out of the coffee, and laid me on a + pile of corn sacks, and then the horse began to lay back his ears and + chase the clerks out of the tent, and it was awful the way the animal + acted. After I had recovered from the effects of my fall into the coffee + barrel, I got up and took the horse by the bridle, and led him out of the + gate, and up the street to headquarters, with the brigade flag in my hand. + I finally got to headquarters and left the flag, and the colonel told me + he never wanted me around brigade headquarters again. He said I was a + regular Jonah, that brought bad luck. I apologized the best I could, told + him I would never bother him again, and led my horse back to my regiment. + The chaplain of my regiment, who had not been to the funeral with us, and + knew nothing about the circus, met me, and, as usual, bantered me to trade + horses. I felt as though if I could saw that horse off on to the chaplain, + and fix him so he could engage in the circus business, life would yet have + some charms for me, so after some bantering we got down to business. The + chaplain asked me if I thought it would cause any remark if he should ride + a spotted horse, and I told him I did not know why it should, if the + chaplain behaved himself. He said he didn't know but the boys might think + that a spotted horse was too gay for a chaplain. I told him I didn't know + why a spotted horse couldn't be just as solemn as any horse. He asked me + if the horse had any tricks, and if he was sound. I told him I had not had + him long, but it seemed to me if the horse had any tricks I should have + found it out by this time, and I knew he was sound, because I jumped a + fence with him not an hour ago, and he took the fence just as though he + had jumped fences all his life. I asked ten dollars to boot, and the + chaplain said if I would warrant the horse not to have any tricks he would + take him. I told him I couldn't warrant the horse not to have any tricks, + but that the colonel commanding the brigade wanted my horse, and he + certainly would not want a horse that had tricks. What the colonel wanted + was a horse noted for its strict attention to business. Then the chaplain + said he would trade, and we changed saddles, and the chaplain led the + spotted horse away, and I was revenged for many things the chaplain had + done me. When the chaplain led the spotted horse to his tent, and all the + boys in the regiment saw that I had traded the brute off, and they thought + what a pic-nic they would have the first time the chaplain rode the horse + down town, there was a laugh all through the regiment, but nobody + squealed, or told the chaplain what a prize package he had secured. I + cannot account for it, how I could have coolly traded that dastardly horse + off on to the chaplain, but I was young then. Now, after arriving at a + ripe old age, I would not play such a trick on a chaplain. The next day + there was to be a review, and when the regiment was notified, I got sick + and could not go. I felt as though I did not want to be a witness of the + chaplain's attempt to exhibit a solemn demeanor, on that circus horse. I + thought I should probably die right in my tracks if the horse acted with + him as he did with me, so I remained in my tent with a wet towel on my + head, and saw the regiment ride out to review, the chaplain on the spotted + horse beside the colonel, not dreaming that it was going to be the most + eventful day of his life. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Tells How the Chaplain was Paralyzed by the Spotted Circus- + Horse—I am Court Martialed—I Plead my own Case, and am + Acquitted. +</pre> + <p> + In the last chapter I told of trading my circus-horse to the chaplain, and + how the chaplain had rode away with the regiment for review, and I + remained in camp, pretending to be sick. The result of that scheme on my + part was not all my fancy painted it. I stood in front of my tent with a + wet towel around my head, and saw the regiment return from review, the + chaplain's spotted circus horse with no rider, being led by a colored man, + the horse looking as innocent as any horse I ever saw. Where was the + 'chaplain? Had he been killed? I noticed half the men were laughing and it + seemed to me they wouldn't laugh if the good chaplain was dead. I also + noticed that the colonel and his staff wore faces clouded with anger, and + that they seemed as though they would like to kill somebody. Before the + regiment had got fairly dismounted, a sergeant and three men marched to my + tent, and I was arrested, and was informed that I would be tried at once, + by court-martial, for conduct prejudicial to good order and military + discipline. I knew the sergeant, and tried to joke with him, telling him + to “go on with his old ark, as there wasn't going to be much of a shower,” + but he wouldn't have any funny business, and kindly informed me that I had + probably got to the end of my rope, and that I would no doubt spend the + remainder of my term of enlistment in the military prison. I asked him + what the row was about, and he said. I would find out soon enough. One + soldier got on each side of me, and one behind with sabers drawn, to stick + me with if I attempted to get away, and we started for the colonel's tent. + On the way there, the chaplain came towards us, covered with red clay, and + begged the sergeant to allow him to kill me right there. He was the + maddest truly good man I ever saw. He fairly foamed at the mouth, and + said, “O, sergeant, turn him loose, and let me chew him up.” I said to the + sergeant: + </p> + <p> + “Now, look-a-here, don't you let that savage get at me, or he will get + hurt. I don't want to have any trouble with the church, but if any + regularly ordained ministerial cannibal of a sky pilot attempts to chew + me, he will find a good deal more gristle than tender loin, and I will + italicise his nose so he will look so crossed-eyed that he can't draw his + pay.” + </p> + <p> + My thus showing that I was not afraid of a non-combatant, seemed to have + the desired effect, for he spit on his hands, jumped up and cracked his + heels together, said he would wipe the Southern Confederacy with my + remains, and he went to his tent to change his clothes, and get ready for + the court-martial. The guard took me to the colonel's tent, and I walked + right in where the colonel and major and several others were, and I said + Hello, and smiled, and extended my hand to the colonel. None of them + helloed, and none of them returned my smile, and the colonel did not shake + hands with me. He said, however, that I had brought disgrace on the + regiment, and broken the heart of a noble man, the chaplain. I told him I + didn't think the chaplain's heart was very badly broke, as he had just + ottered to whip me in several languages, and threatened to eat me. The + colonel had me sit down on a trunk and keep still, while the court-martial + convened. It was not many minutes before the officers had arrived, and + organized, the adjutant read the charges and specifications against me. + Not to go into the military-form of charges and specifications, the + substance of them was that I had with malice aforethought, procured a + trick-horse from a circus, with the intention of inducing the chaplain to + trade for it, with the purpose of causing the aforesaid chaplain to become + a spectacle for laughter. When the charges were read I was asked what I + had to say, and I told the Judge Advocate it was a condemned lie. That + made him mad, and he was going to commence whipping me where the chaplain + left off, when the colonel smoothed matters over by asking me if I didn't + mean to plead “not guilty.” I said, “Certainly, not guilty. It is false. I + did not secure the horse for the purpose of sawing it off on the chaplain. + I jayhawked it, and when I found it was not the kind of a horse for a + modest fellow like me, who didn't want to make any display, I thought I + would trade it to some officer with gall, and the chaplain was the first + man who struck me for a trade, and he got it, and from his remarks to me, + and from these court-martial proceedings, I was satisfied the chaplain did + not like the horse.” The officers laughed then, and I suppose they were + thinking of something that happened to the chaplain on review. The colonel + asked me if I wanted anybody to defend me, and I told him I had a printing + office once next door to a lawyer's office, and I knew a little about law, + and would defend myself. The chaplain came soon, and began to tell his + story, but I insisted, that he be sworn, and then he proceeded to tell his + tale. He said that he was a God-fearing man, and meant to do right, and + was willing to take his chances in the lottery of war, but when a man got + him to ride a circus trick-horse, and bring upon his sacred calling the + ribald laughter of the wicked, he felt that civilization was a failure. He + said he traded for the spotted horse in good faith, and that he was + particular to ask me if the horse had any tricks, and I said he had none, + and he traded on that understanding, that he rode the afore—said + horse to the review, and as soon as the aforesaid horse heard the band + play, he waltzed out into the middle of the street, whirled around more + than fifty times, waltzed into an infantry regiment, breaking the ranks of + the soldiers just as the reviewing officer come along, causing the + reviewing officer to say, “get out of the ranks, you d-d fool, and take + that horse back to the circus,” thus causing him, the chaplain, to be + scandalized. He said he would have stood that, but the horse carried him + to a battery of artillery which was in position, and began to jump over + the guns, and that a gunner took a swab with which he had been cleaning a + gun, and punched him, the chaplain, in the face, covering his face with + burnt powder which smelled badly. + </p> + <p> + Then the horse carried him out on the field in front of the reviewing + officers, got up on its hind feet and walked for half a block, making the + chaplain appear as though climbing up the horse's neck, and when some of + the general's staff came out to arrest him, the horse whirled around and + kicked, in every direction at once, and broke the saber of one of the + staff-officers. That the horse seemed to be possessed of the devil. That + he finally got the horse to go back to the regiment where he belonged, but + on the way he had to pass brigade headquarters, when the horse stopped in + front of the commanding officer and sat down like a dog, on his hind + parts, and tried to shake hands with the colonel commanding, who was + offended, and told the chaplain he was an ass, and to go away with his + museum, or he would have the chaplain put in the guard house. That a + colored man near the review ground had a ginger bread stand, with a sheet + tacked up to keep the sun off, and the spotted horse attempted to jump + through the sheet, evidently thinking it was a paper hoop in a circus. And + in conclusion, after making the chaplain so mortified and ashamed that he + wished he might die, the horse laid down in the road and rolled over the + aforsaid chaplain, leaving him in the road covered with dirt, while the + horse run across the street and walked up a pair of stairs, outside a + store, went into the rooms occupied by some milliners and scared the women + so they put their heads out of the windows and yelled fire, and said a + regiment of Yankee cavalry had raided their homes. That the review was + made a farce, the chaplain a laughing stock, and that it took ten men to + get the horse down stairs, and half the regiment to console the milliners, + and convince them that no harm was intended. He said he demanded that I be + sentenced to be shot. + </p> + <p> + The colonel asked me if I had anything to say, and I asked permission to + cross-examine the witness. Permission being granted, I asked the chaplain + what his business was. He said he was a minister. I asked him if he didn't + consider trading horses one of the noblest professions extant. He said he + didn't know about that. Then I asked him if he didn't take advantage of me + when I came to the regiment, as a raw recruit, and trade me a kicking + mule, that made my life a burden. He said he remembered that he traded me + a mule. I asked him if he didn't know the mule was balky, vicious, and + spavined, that it would kick its best friend, bite anybody, that it was so + ugly that he had to put the saddle on with a long pole, that he warranted + the mule sound when he knew it had all the diseases that were going. + </p> + <p> + He said he objected to being asked such questions, but the judge-advocate + said I had a right to bring out any previous transactions in the + horse-trade line, as it would have some effect in this case. Then I asked + him if he didn't know the horse he beat me out of was sound, a splendid + rider, and that the mule was the worst one in the army. He admitted that + he knew the animal was not a desirable animal, but he thought a recruit + could get along with a kicking mule better than a chaplain. I had saved my + best shot for the last, and I said, “knowing the mule was unsound, a + vicious animal, and that my horse was sound and desirable, and worth more + than a dozen such mules, did you consider that you was pursuing your + calling as a minister when you gained my confidence, and not only sawed + the mule off on to me, bereaved me of a fine horse, but took twenty + dollars of my hard-earned bounty money as boot in the trade? In doing that + to an innocent and fresh recruit who had confidence in you, did you not + pave the way for me to get even with you on a horse trade, and haven't I + got even, and do you blame me for doing it?” The chaplain was perspiring + while I was asking the questions, and all the officers were looking at him + as though he had caught a tartar, but he blushed, choked, and finally + answered that perhaps he did wrong in trading me that mule, and he asked + to be forgiven. + </p> + <p> + Then I turned to the officers and said, “Gentlemen, I admit that I traded + the spotted circus-horse to the chaplain. I did it on purpose to show him + that there is a God in Israel. When I came to the regiment, right fresh + from the people, I needed salting. The boys all salted me whenever they + got a chance, and I took it like a little man. In turning to the chaplain + for comfort, I did not expect that he would salt me worse than all of the + boys combined, but when I found that he had gone through me, and taken + advantage of my guileless innocence, and laughed at my woe when I found + the confounded mule was not all his fancy had painted it, and that it laid + awake nights to devise ways to kick my head on, I took a blooded oath that + before the cruel war was over I would salt that chaplain on a horse trade, + until he would own up the corn. I leave it to you, gentlemen, if I have + done it or not. When that spotted horse fell to me, by the fortunes of + war, I was not long in learning that it was the relic of a circus. I rode + the horse one day last week at a funeral, and it acted in such a manner as + to almost wake up the late lamented. I was made the laughing stock of the + brigade, and of the town. It was government property, and I could not kill + the horse, and I thought the time had arrived for me to get even with my + old friend. He was mashed on my spotted horse, and bantered me for a + trade. Finally we traded, and I got ten dollars to boot. The result has + been all that I could desire. I have had the satisfaction of demonstrating + to this truly good man that all is not gold that glitters. I have shown + him that however spotted a man may be, if he rides a spotted circus horse, + he will get there. I will leave it to the chaplain, now, if I was not + justified in trading him that horse, after what he had done to me, and + will ask him if he was not served perfectly right, and if in trading me + that mule he did not do to others as he would have others do to him, and + if so, if he does not think the others did it to him in great shape. I am + done. I leave my life in your hands.” + </p> + <p> + When I quit they were all laughing except the chaplain, and there was a + quiet smile around his mouth, as he thought of his experience on the + spotted horse. The colonel asked the chaplain, if he had anything to say, + and he said he had just been thinking that he could go over to a New + Jersey regiment and trade that spotted horse to the chaplain of that + regiment, and if he could, he would be willing to drop the case. He said + that chaplain played a mean trick on him once, and he wanted to get even. + The court martial acquitted me, and while we were all taking a drink with + the colonel, the chaplain went out, and pretty soon we saw his servant + leading the spotted horse over towards the camp of the New Jersey + regiment, and later the chaplain sauntered off in that direction on foot, + as though there was some weighty subject on his mind. The weighty subject + was the spotted circus-horse. + </p> + <p> + I do not suppose any incident ever caused so much talk as did the + chaplain's circus. The boys were talking and laughing about it in every + company all that afternoon, and when it was found that I had not been + punished, for trading the horse to him, the boys were wild. They wanted to + show their appreciation of the fun I had given them, so a lot of them got + together to give me a sort of reception. They sent for me to come over to + Co. D., and when I got over there they grabbed me and carried me off on + their shoulders. I felt proud to see them so joyous and friendly, until + they put me in a blanket and tossed me up into the trees, and caught me in + the blanket as I came down. Of all the sensations I ever experienced, that + of being tossed up in a blanket was the worst. I tried to laugh, at first, + but it became serious, as I went into the air twenty feet, let loose of + the air and came down, expecting to be crushed maimed, killed. My breath + forsook me, I was dizzy, but I struck the blanket easy, and after being + sent up a dozen times they let me go, and my reception was over. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Mingled Reminiscences-I Relate a Mississippi River Steamboat + Experience. +</pre> + <p> + Long before this I should have related a little experience I had on my + first journey south, when I was a fresh recruit. After leaving Wisconsin, + in the winter, a lot of us recruits were corralled at Benton Barracks, St. + Louis, and for six weeks we had a picnic. There were about fifty of us, + that belonged to the cavalry, our regiments being down the Mississippi + river, and the commanding officer of the barracks seemed to be waiting for + a chance to send us to our regiments. I have often wondered what he waited + six weeks for, when we were not doing any duty in camp, and were making + him trouble enough every day and every night to turn his hair gray. He was + a Colonel Bonneville, if I remember right, a regular army officer of + French extraction. Anyway, he always swore at us in French. The camp was + run in a slack sort of a way, and it was easy for us to get out and go + down town, or wander off into the country, and, as we had plenty of money, + and were dressed better than soldiers in active service, we were welcome + to all the saloons, and painted old St. Louis all the colors of the + rainbow, returned to the barracks at unseasonable hours, crawled through + the fence and went to our quarters howling, waking up the old general, who + invariably ordered the provost-guard to arrest us, which the provost-guard + invariably didn't do, for some reason or other. The old colonel was fast + aging, in trying to lead a quiet life in the vicinity of “dose d——-d + cavalry regruits,” and he said he “would order them all shot if they + didn't behave.” Benton Barracks was the greatest place for the breeding of + rats that I ever saw. In every house there were millions of them, and at + night they were out in full force. One night our crowd of recruits, about + forty in number, had been down to St. Louis on a painting expedition, and + it was midnight when camp was reached. Every recruit had a revolver, and + it was decided that if the rats insulted us, as they had often done + before, we would shoot them. It was a beautiful moonlight night, as still + as death, and we could almost hear the snoring of the excitable colonel in + his house across the parade ground. As we came near our barrack, a few + thousand rats crossed our path, and I drew my revolver and fired at a + large one that seemed unusually impudent, and the rest of the crowd opened + fire, and there was a battle in no time. A bugler got out and blowed some + call that I did not know, a drum sounded a continuous roll, men rushed out + and formed in line, and before we had fired the six charges from our + revolvers, the Invalid Corps came hobbling across the parade ground, the + colonel behind them with his shirt on, his pants in his hand, and swearing + in French, and ordering the troops to arrest the whole crowd of recruits. + We went right in the barrack, and retired, as soon as the troops showed + up, and were snoring, with smoking revolvers under our pillows, when the + guard entered. + </p> + <p> + The colonel came in with the guard, and then put on his pants, after which + he woke up some of us, and asked what was the cause of the firing. Every + recruit swore that he had not fired a shot, but that he had heard some + firing over the fence, on the outside, at a road-house and saloon, where + bad men from St. Louis congregated and drank to excess. It seemed very + hard to thus lie to so estimable a gentleman as the colonel, but as he was + only half-dressed, and sleepy, and excited, it didn't seem as though the + lies ought to count. But they did. The colonel apologized for waking us + up, when we were enjoying our much-needed rest, and he went away with the + guard. Then we all got up and danced a can-can, in our army underclothes, + passed a series of resolutions endorsing the colonel as one of the ablest + officers in the army, recommended that he be promoted to brigadier-general + at the first opportunity, gave three cheers and a tiger for the Union, and + went to bed. That is one thing that we recruits always come out strong in, + i. e., three cheers for the Union. We had enlisted to save the Union, and + as there was no fighting that we could do, during our stay at St. Louis, + whenever we got a chance we gave three cheers for the Union. Sometimes it + was not appreciated, however. I remember one evening our crowd went into a + saloon and ordered beer all around, and after we had drank it, I proposed + three cheers for the Union, which we gave in a hearty manner, and went out + without paying for the beer. You would hardly credit it, but the + saloonkeeper, an Irishman named Oppenheimer, became offended, and wanted + us to pay cash for the beer. The boys wanted me to reason with him, and I + began by asking him if he was a loyal man, and he said he was. Then I + asked him if he didn't believe in supporting the Union. He said he did, + but he couldn't pay the brewer for his beer by giving three cheers for the + Union. He had to put up cash. I confess that his remarks made quite an + impression on me, as I had not thought of it in that light before. I + proposed that we give three cheers for Oppenheimer, which was done, and I + thought that would settle it, but he insisted on having cash. I told the + boys, and they said he was a rebel. I told Oppenheimer, and he got out a + wooden bung-starter, and said he could clean out the whole party. Finally + we compromised, in this way. We had given two rounds of cheer, one for the + Union and one for Oppenheimer, which were a total loss, so it was agreed + that if Oppenheimer would give three cheers for the Union and three for us + we would pay him for the beer, if he would agree to set 'em up for us, at + his own expense. He agreed, and then we tried to get him to onset the beer + he was going to give us, for the beer we had drank, and not pay him for + that we had consumed. That, to any business man, we thought, would seem + fair, but he wouldn't have it. So, after he had returned our cheers to us, + we paid him, and then he treated. I mention this to show the hardships of + a soldier's life, and the difficulties of inculcating business methods + into the minds of the saloon-keepers. Oppenheimer meant well, but he did + not appreciate cheers for the Union. He got so, after that when we came in + his saloon, in a gang, he would say, “Poys, of you dondt gif any jeers fun + dot Union, I set'em oop,” and we would swallow our cheers for the Union, + and his beer. + </p> + <p> + The next day after the battle of the rats, an order was issued for the + recruits to board the steamer “City of Memphis,” and go down the river to + join our several regiments, in the vicinity of New Orleans. In a few hours + we had drawn rations to last a week, and were on board the steamer, and + had started down stream. I think every soldier that is now alive will + remember that when he took his first trip on a transport, as a recruit, + during the war, he labored under the impression that he owned the boat, or + at least a controlling interest in it. That was a very natural feeling. + The opinions of the steamboat officials, it will be remembered, were + different. I had never been on a large steamboat before, and after tying + my knapsack and other baggage to a wood-pile on the lower deck, after I + had vainly attempted to induce the proper official to give me checks for + my baggage, I began to climb up stairs, and soon found myself on top of + the Texas, beside the smoke stack, viewing the ever changing scenery of + the grand old Mississippi. I was drinking in the scenery, and the fresh + air, and wondering if it could be possible that there could be war, and + killing, anywhere in this broad land, when all was so peace-ful and + beautiful on the river, when I felt something strike me on the pantaloons + most powerfully, and I looked around and a gentleman was just removing a + large sized boot from my person. I was about to reprove him for kicking + me, a total stranger, who had not even presented letters of introduction + to me, when he said, in a voice that was deep down in his chest, “get down + below.” I did not feel like arguing with a man of so violent a nature, and + I went down the narrow stairs, after he had said he would throw me + overboard if I did not hurry. I learned afterwards that he was the mate of + the steamboat. I could see that he had mistaken me for a common soldier, + which I would not admit was the case, but I went down stairs, probably + looking hurt. I was hurt. I went into the cabin and sat down on one of the + sofas, to think, when a colored person told me to get off the sofa. As he + seemed to know what he was talking about I got on. I saw a bar, where + officers of the army and passengers were drinking, and I went up and asked + for a whisky sour, thinking that would relieve the pain and cause my + injured feelings to improve. The bar tender told me to go out on deck and + I could get plain whisky through a window where the negro deck hands got + their drinks, but I could not drink with gentlemen. That was the first day + that I realized that in becoming a soldier I had descended to a level with + negro deck hands and roustabouts, and could not be allowed to associate + with gentlemen. Soon the gong rung for supper, and I went into the cabin + and sat down to the table for a square meal, the other seats being filled + with army officers and passengers. I was going to give my order to a + waiter, when he called an officer of the boat, who told me to get up from + the table and go below, as the cabin was intended for gentlemen and not + soldiers. My idea was to kick against being turned out, but I thought of + the mate's boot, and I went out, went down on the lower deck with the + recruits, and eat some bread and meat. I was rapidly becoming crushed. I + talked my experience over with the boys, and they all agreed with me that + the way we were treated was an outrage on American soldiers, which we + would not stand. We began to wonder where we were going to sleep, when I + remembered seeing state-rooms on the deck above, with berths, and it + seemed to me they must be intended for us, so we agreed to go up and go + into the state-rooms from the doors that opened out on deck, believing + that those who got in first would be allowed to occupy them. About fifty + of us got into state-rooms, while the officers and passengers were playing + poker in the cabin. I was asleep, when I heard a noise out on deck, and + raising up in my berth I looked over the transom and saw about twenty of + the recruits being driven along by officers of the boat, kicks and cuffs, + and loud talking being the order. “I'll teach you brutes to steal the beds + of passengers on this boat. You dirty whelps, to presume to sleep in beds. + Get down stairs and sleep on the wood-pile with the niggers,” shouted the + captain. + </p> + <p> + If there was going to be any fuss about it, I didn't want to stay in the + state-room. I didn't want to be broke of my rest, of course, but if it was + not customary for common soldiers to indulge in such luxuries, I would go + out. Just then there was a knock at the door leading into the cabin, and I + heard a female voice say, “Powtaw, I am afraid one of those dirty soljaws + has got into my state-room,” and then I heard the mate's voice say, “Wait + till I get at him.” Of course, under those circumstances I could not + remain. No gentleman would occupy a lady's birth, and cause her to sit up + all night. To be sure there were two berths, and I could remain in the + upper one, and she could turn in below, and I would turn my face to the + wall and not look, but I doubted if a lady, who was a perfect stranger, + and whose opinion of soldiers was so pronounced, could compromise on such + a basis, so when the mate knocked at the door I took my pants and shoes + and went out the door leading on deck, and went below, without being + discovered. I found my companions, who had been routed out of their beds, + dressing themselves as best they could by the light from the furnace, when + the stokers would put in wood, and they were about as mad as I was. The + treatment we had received was not what we had a right to expect when we + enlisted. We decided to set up all night, and growl and discuss the + situation. Several of the recruits made remarks that were very scathing, + and the officials of the boat were held up to scorn, and charged with + inhumanity. We sat there till daylight, and then organized an indignation + meeting, and appointed a committee to draft resolutions indicative of the + sense of the meeting. I had been lightning on resolutions before I + enlisted, having attended several county conventions, and I was appointed + to draft the resolutions. As near as I can remember the following were the + words: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “<i>Whereas</i>, The undersigned, members of the army of the + union, in the course of our duty as soldiers, have been + ordered to proceed to our several regiments down the + Mississippi river, on board of the 'City of Memphis,' and, + + “<i>Whereas</i>, We have been treated by the officers of the + aforesaid boat more like animals than human beings, in being + deprived of luxuries to which we have been accustomed, have + been driven from the public dining-table, driven from our + beds at the dead hour of night, that shoulder-strapped + officers might be made comfortable, and kicked down stairs, + therefore, be it + + “<i>Resolved</i>, That we demand of the captain of the steamer + 'City of Memphis,' that we be allowed the same privileges on + this boat that others enjoy. 'We hold these truths to be + self-evident,' that one man is just as good as another, no + matter what his rank. We demand that we be allowed to eat at + the table in the cabin, to sleep in the state-rooms, to + drink at the bar if we so elect, and to go to any place on + the boat that other passengers are allowed, and that we be + treated like white men, which we, have not up to the adoption + of these resolutions. + + “<i>Resolved</i>, That a copy of these resolutions be presented + to the captain of the boat, that a copy be sent to the + secretary of war, and that the resolutions be published in + the newspapers.” + </pre> + <p> + When I read the resolutions to the boys they were passed unanimously, + after a few amendments had been voted down. One of the boys wanted a + resolution passed demanding that the mate be discharged, and one moved the + captain be requested to apologize. I argued that if the captain received + the resolutions in the proper spirit, and acceded to our demand, that + would be an apology in itself, and in that case the mate would probably + resign. I was appointed one of a committee of three to wait on the + captain, and read the resolutions to him, after the boys had all signed + them. I had rather some one else had been appointed, as I had been kicked + once already, but the boys said it needed somebody that was equal to + making a little speech, as it would be necessary to say something before + reading the resolutions. They also said, it needed a man with plenty of + gall, one that was not afraid to stand up be-fore the world and ask for + our rights. I felt flattered at being selected, but I took the precaution + to place a gunny-sack, nicely folded up, in the seat of my pants, because + I didn't know what might happen. After breakfast, I took the committee and + the resolutions, and went up into the cabin, and told a colored man that + he might tell the captain that a committee wished an audience with him. He + was playing poker in the ladies' cabin, and I have always thought he had + an idea there was a committee of passengers who wanted to present him with + a gold headed cane, a thing that was often done on the boats. Any way he + came along smiling, and when the nigger pointed me out, and the captain + noticed that I had a large paper in my hand, he said, “What is it, + gentlemen?” This was the first time I had been alluded to in that manner + since I enlisted. I asked him to be seated, and he sat down on a lounge, + and I proceeded. I forgot to make any speech, but went right at the <i>whereases</i> + at once. I say the captain smiled when he came up. Of course, reading the + resolutions, as I was, I could not see his face change, but afterwards one + of the committee told me about it. I could not tell that a storm was + coming. I noticed that quite a number of people had collected around the + captain, from curiosity, I supposed. I had just got to the last resolution + where it spoke of sending a copy to the secretary of war, when there was a + howl. The captain got up and grabbed me by the throat, while somebody else + took me by the hind legs. As we went towards the door, I noticed other men + were carrying the rest of the committee. My idea was that they would throw + us overboard, and as I could not swim, I closed my eyes and said, “Now I + lay me.” The stairs leading to the lower deck were covered with brass. I + remember that distinctly, because I rode down the stairs on the small of + my back, and we had a committee meeting at the foot of the stairs. I + brought up on top of the rest of the committee. We sat there a moment, and + decided, unanimously, that we had been unceremoniously chucked down + stairs, resolutions and all, and we picked ourselves up and limped back to + where our companions were, and so reported. The expedition was a total + failure, for in a short time a notice was tacked on the foot of the + stairs, stating that all enlisted men were forbidden from occupying any + portion of the boat except the lower deck, and if one was found above that + deck, he would be turned over to the first army post, a prisoner. So we + remained on the lower deck, and took it out abusing the officers, and + hoping the boat would blow up. But the scenery was just as nice from the + lower deck. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Our Party of Recruits own the Earth—We Live High, Give a + Ball, and go to the Guard-House—And are Arrested by Colored + Troops. +</pre> + <p> + Let's see, I forget whether I have ever told about getting strung up on a + bayonet, near New Orleans, when I first went south as a recruit. It was + before I had joined my regiment, and I was with a gang of recruits, all + looking for the regiments we had enlisted in. We had come down from St. + Louis on a steamboat, our regiments being scattered all over the + Department of the Gulf. We were not in any particular hurry to find our + regiments, as the longer we kept away from them the less duty we would + have to do. I do not think, out of the whole forty recruits, there was one + who was in the least hurry to find his regiment, and none of them would + have known their regiments if they had seen them, unless somebody told + them. They had enlisted just as it happened, all of them hoping the war + would be over before they found where they belonged. They didn't know + anybody in their respective regiments, hence there were no ties binding + them. But they had been together for several months, as recruits, until + all had got well acquainted, and if they could have been formed into a + company, for service together, they might have done pretty good fighting. + The crowd was becoming smaller, as every day or two some recruit would + come and bid us all good bye. He had actually stumbled on to his regiment, + and when the officers of an old regiment, in examining recruits, found one + assigned to his regiment, he never took his eyes off the recruit until he + was landed. I have seen some very affecting partings, when one of our gang + would find where he belonged and had to leave us, perhaps never to meet + again. The gang was rapidly dropping apart, and when we got to New Orleans + there were only twenty or so left. We reported to the commanding officer, + and he quartered us at Carrollton, near the city, in what had once been a + beer-garden and dance-house. We slept on the floor of the dance-house, + cooked our meals out in the garden, spread our food on the old beer + tables, and imagined we were proprietors of the place, or guests of the + government. We always ordered beer or expensive wines with our meals. Not + that we ever got any beer or wine, because the beer garden was deserted, + but we put on a great deal of style. + </p> + <p> + We found a lot of champagne bottles out in the back yard, and I do not + think I ever took a meal there without having a champagne bottle sitting + beside me on the table, and when any citizens were passing along the + street we would take up the bottles, look at the label in a scrutinizing + way, as though not exactly certain in our minds whether we were getting as + good wine as we were paying for. The old empty bottles gave us a standing + in Carrollton society that nothing else could have given us. Some of the + boys got so they could imitate the popping of a champagne cork to + perfection, by placing one finger in the mouth, prying the cheek around on + one side, and letting it fly open suddenly. We would have several of the + boys with aprons on, and when anybody was passing on the street, one of us + would call, “Waiter open a bottle of that extra dry.” The waiter would + say, “Certainly, sah,” take a bottle between his knees, run his finger in + his mouth and make it pop, and then pretend to pour out the champagne in + glasses, imitating the “fizzing” perfectly. It was the extra dryest + champagne that I ever had. But all that foolishness had the desired + effect. It convinced the citizens of Carrollton that we were no ordinary + soldiers. We were all nicely dressed, had no guards, and apparently no + officers, had plenty of money, which we spent freely at the stores, and + the impression soon got out that we were on some special service, and + there was, of course, much curiosity to know our business. I learned that + we were looked upon as secret service men, and I told the boys about it, + and advised them not to tell that we were recruits, but to put on an air + of mystery, and we would have fun while we remained. One day an oldish + gentleman who lived near, and who had a fine orange plantation, or grove, + toward which we had cast longing eyes, called at the dance-house where we + were quartered. We had just finished our frugal meal, and the empty + bottles were being taken away. He addressed me, and said, “Good day, + Colonel.” I responded as best I could, and invited him to be seated. I + apologized for not offering him a glass of champagne, but told him we had + cracked the last bottle, and would not have any more until the next day, + as I had only that morning requested my friend, the general commanding at + New Orleans, to send me a fresh supply, which he would do at once, I had + no doubt. Well, you ought to have seen the boys try to keep from laughing, + stuffing handkerchiefs in their mouths, etc. But not a man laughed. The + old citizen said it was no matter, as he would drop in the next day, and + drink with us. We talked about the war, and it is my impression he was + anxious for us to believe he was a loyal man. But after a while he asked + me what particular duty I was on, there at Carrollton. I hesitated a + moment, and finally told him that I hoped he would excuse me for not + telling him, but the fact was it would be as much as my “commission” would + be worth to unfold any of my plans. I told him that time alone would + reveal the object of our being there, and until such time as my government + thought it best to make it public, it was my duty as an officer, to keep + silent. He said certainly, that was all right, and he admired me for + keeping my own counsel. (I was probably the highest private and rawest + recruit in the army.) He said there was a natural curiosity on the part of + the people of Carrollton to know who we were, as we lived so high, and + seemed such thorough gentlemen. I admitted that we were thorough + gentlemen, and thanked him for the high opinion that the cultured people + of Carrollton had of us. He wound up by pointing to his orange grove, and + said he-would consider it a special favor if we would consider ourselves + perfectly free to go there and help ourselves at any time, and + particularly that evening, as a number of young people would be at his + house for a quiet dance. I told him that a few of us would certainly be + present, and thanked him kindly. When he was gone I told the boys, and + they wanted to give three cheers, but I got them to keep still, and we + talked all the afternoon of the soft snap we had struck, and cleaned up + for the party. My intention was to pick out half a dozen of the best + dressed, recruits, those that could make a pretty fair showing in society + to go with me, but they all wanted to go, and there was no way to prevent + it, so all but one Irishman, that we hired to stay and watch our camp, + went. Well, we ate oranges fresh from the trees, joined in the dance, ate + refreshments, and drank the old gentleman's wine, and had a good time, + made a good impression on the ladies, and went back to camp at midnight. + On the way over to the party I told the boys the gentleman was coming to + see us the next day, and we should have to get a bottle of champagne + some-where, to treat him, as I had told him we expected, some more up from + the city. When we came back from the party a German recruit pulled a + bottle of champagne out of his pocket, which he had stolen from the man's + house in order to treat him with the next day. The gentleman came over to + our quarters the next day, and we opened our bottle, and he drank to our + very good health, though I thought he looked at the label on the bottle + pretty close. For a week we frequented the gentleman's orange grove every + day, and ate oranges to our heart's content. + </p> + <p> + Several times during the week we were invited to different houses, where + we boys became quite interested in the fair girls of Louisiana. It was ten + days from the time we settled in the beer garden, and we had kept our + secret well. Nobody in Carrollton knew that we were raw recruits that had + never seen a day of service, but the impression was still stronger than + ever that we were pets of the government. We had an old map of the United + States that we had borrowed at a saloon, and during the day we would hang + the map up and surround it, while I pointed out imaginary places to + attack. This we would do while people were passing. Everything was working + splendidly, and we decided to give a party. We hired a band to play in the + dance house, ordered refreshments, and invited about forty ladies and + gentlemen to attend. The day we were to give the party we sent a recruit + down town to draw rations, and he told everybody what a high old time we + recruits were having at Carrollton. The commanding officer heard of it, + and, probably having forgotten that we were up there waiting to be sent to + our regiments he sent a peremptory order for us to report at New Orleans + before noon of that day. How could we report at noon, when we were going + to give a party at night? It was simply impossible, and I, as a sort of + breast corporal in charge, sent a man down town to tell the commanding + officer that we had an engagement that night, and couldn't come before the + next day. I did not know that it was improper to send regrets to a + commanding officer when ordered to do anything. The man I sent down to New + Orleans came back and I asked him what the general said. The man said he + read the note and said, “The hell they can't come till tomorrow. The + impudence of the recruits. They will come tonight!” I did not believe we + would. In my freshness I did not believe that any commander of troops + would deliberately break up a ball, and humiliate brave soldiers. I + thought my explanation to the commander that we had an engagement, would + be sufficient, that he would see that it was impossible to hurry matters. + We had been to a good deal of expense, and it was our duty, after + accepting the hospitalities of those people, to pay our indebtedness in + the only way we knew how, and so, as the boys had gathered around me to + see what was to be done, I said, “On with the dance. Let joy be + unconfined.” + </p> + <p> + Our guests arrived on time, and shortly after it became dark, the Dutch + band we had hired from, a beer hall down town, struck up some sort of + foreign music, and “there was a sound of revelry by night.” We danced half + a dozen times, smiled sweetly on our guests, walked around the paths of + the old garden, flirted a little perhaps, and talked big with the male + guests, and convinced them anew that we were regular old battle-scarred + vets, on detached duty of great importance. Near midnight we all set down + to lunch, around the beer tables, and everything was going along smooth. + The old gentleman who had been first to make our acquaintance, and who had + been the means of getting us into society, proposed as a toast, “Our brave + and generous hosts,” and the boys called upon me to respond. I got up on a + bench and was making a speech that, if I had been allowed to continue, + would have been handed down in history as one of the ablest of our time. + It was conciliatory in tone, calculated to cement a friendship between the + army and the citizens of the south, and show that while we were engaged in + war, there was nothing mean about us, and that we loved our neighbors as + ourselves. I was just getting warmed up, and our guests had spatted their + hands at some of my remarks, when I heard a tramp, tramp, tramp on the + sidewalk outside, and before I could breathe a squad of infantry soldiers + had filed into the garden, surrounded the dance-house, a dozen had formed + in line before the door, and a sergeant had walked in and ordered the + citizens to disperse, and said the recruits were under arrest. Well, I + have been in some tight places in my life, but that was the closest place + I ever struck. The old gentleman, the leader of our guests, turned to me + and asked what this all meant, and I told him to be calm, and I would fix + everything. I got down off the bench and approached the sergeant, to argue + the thing. I found that he was, a colored man, and that his soldiers were + also colored troops. This was the unkindest cut of all. I could stand it + to be arrested by white soldiers, but the sending of a lot of “niggers” + after us white fellows was more than human nature could bear. We had most + of us been Democrats before enlisting, and had never looked upon the + colored man with that respect that we learned to do, later. I went up to + the sergeant, as brave as I could, and said, “Look-a-here, boss, you have + made a dreadful mistake. We are gentlemen, enjoying ourselves, and this + interruption on your part will cost you dear. Now go away with your men, + quietly, and I promise you, on the honor of a gentleman, that I will not + report you, and have you punished,” and I looked at him in a tone of voice + that I thought would convince him that I was a friend if he should go + away, but if he remained it would be at his peril. + </p> + <p> + He said he didn't want any foolishness, or some of us would get hurt, and + just then one of the Irish recruits, who had tried to skin out the back + way, got jabbed in the pants by a bayonet, and he began to howl and cuss + the “niggers.” The sergeant called up half a dozen of his sable guard, and + they surrounded me and some of the boys. Our guests were becoming + frightened, ladies had put on-their wraps, and there was a good deal of + confusion, when I shouted, “Boys, are we going to submit to this insult on + the part of a lot of nigger field hands? Never! To the rescue!” Well, they + didn't “to the rescue” worth a cent. A colored man with a bayonet had + every recruit's breast at the point of his weapon, three soldiers + surrounded me, and one run his bayonet through the breast of my coat and + out under my arm, and held me on my tip-toes, and I was powerless, except + with my mouth. The old gentleman, our most distinguished guest, came up to + me, and I said to him, in confidence, so our guests could hear, however, + with a smile, “This may seem to you a singular proceeding. I cannot + explain it to you now, as I am pledged to secrecy by my government, but I + will say that the duty we are on here is part of a well-laid plan of our + commander, and this seeming arrest is a part of the plan. This colored + sergeant is innocent. He is simply obeying orders, and is a humble + instrument in carrying out our plan. I expected to be arrested before + morning, but hoped it would be after our party. However, we soldiers have + to go where ordered. We shall be thrown into prison for a time, but when + this detective or secret service work on which we are engaged is done, we + will take pleasure in calling upon you again, wearing such laurels as we + may win. We bid you good-night, and wish you much happiness.” They all + shook hands with us, evidently believing what I had said, and even the + sergeant seemed to take it in, for, after the crowd had gone, the sergeant + said, “You will excuse me, kernel, for what I have done. I didn't know + about any 'plan.' All I knew was dat the provost-marshal told me to go up + to Carrollton and pull dem recruits dat was camping at de beer garden, and + fotch 'em to de guard-house.” I told him he did perfectly right, and then + we recruits packed up our things and marched with the colored soldiers to + New Orleans, about six miles, and we slept in the guard-house. The next + morning the provost-marshal called upon us, damned us a little for not + insisting on being sent to our regiments, found out that my regiment was + up the river two hundred miles, and seemed mad because I passed it when I + come from St. Louis. I told him I was not expected to go hunting around + for my regiment, like a lost calf. What I wanted was for my regiment to + hunt me up. That afternoon he put me on an up-river boat with a tag on my + baggage telling where I belonged, and I bid good-bye to the recruits, + after having had three months of fun at the expense of Uncle Sam. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I Strike Another Soft-Snap, Which is Harder Than Any Snap + Heretofore—I Begin Taking Music Lessons, and Fill Up a + Confederate Prisoner With Yankee Food. +</pre> + <p> + The last two chapters of this stuff has related to early experiences, but + now that it is probable the chaplain has got over being mad at my trading + him the circus-horse, I will resume the march with the regiment. For a + month or more I had been waiting for my commission to arrive, so that I + could serve as an officer, but it did not arrive while we were at + Montgomery, and we started away from that city towards Vicksburg, Miss., + with a fair prospect of having hot work with strolling bands of the enemy. + I was much depressed. It had got so they didn't seem to want me anywhere. + It seemed that I was a sort of a Jonah, and wherever I was, something went + wrong. The chaplain wouldn't have me, because he had a suspicion that I + was giddy, and full of the devil, and I have thought he had an idea I + would sacrifice the whole army to perpetrate a practical joke, and he also + maintained that I would lie, if a lie would help me out of a scrape. I + never knew how such an impression could have been created. The colonel + said he would try and get along without me, the adjutant didn't want any + more of my mathematics in his reports and the brigade commander said he + would carry the brigade colors himself rather than have me around, as I + would bring headquarters into disgrace some way. So I had to serve as a + private in my own company, which was very hard on a man who had tasted the + sweets of official position. O, if my commission did not come soon I was + lost. After we had marched a couple of days it began to look as though we + were liable to have a fight on our hands. Every little while there would + be firing in advance, or on the flanks, and things looked blue for one who + did not want to have any trouble with anybody. One morning when we were + cooking our breakfast beside a pitch pine log, a little Irishman, who was + a friend of mine, as I always lent him my tobacco, said: “There will be a + fight today, and some wan of the byes will sleep cold tonight.” + </p> + <p> + A cold chill came over me, and I wondered which of of the “by's” would + draw the ticket of death. The Irishman noticed that I was not feeling + perfectly easy, and he said, “Sorrel top, wud yez take a bit of advice + from the loikes of me?” I did not like to be called sorrel top, but if + there was any danger I would take advice from anybody, so I told him to + fire away. He told me that when we fell in, for the march of the day, to + arrange to be No. 4, as in case we were dismounted, to fight on foot, + number four would remain on his horse, and hold three other horses, and + keep in the rear, behind the trees, while the dismounted men went into the + fight. Great heavens, and that had never occurred to me before. Of course + number four would hold the horses, in case of a dismounted fight, and I + had never thought what a soft thing it was. It can be surmised by the + reader of profane history, that when our company formed that morning I was + number four. We marched a long for a couple of hours, when there was some + firing on the flanks, and a couple of companies were wheeled into line and + marched off into the woods for half a mile, and the order was given to + “prepare to fight on foot.” It was a momentous occasion for me, and when + the three men of our four dismounted and handed the bridle reins to me, I + was about the happiest man in the army. I did not want the boys to think I + was anxious to keep away from the front, so I said, “Say, cap, don't I go + too?” He said I could if I wanted to, as one of the other boys would hold + the horses if I was spoiling to be a corpse, but I told him I guessed, + seeing that I was already on the horse, I would stay, and the boys went + off laughing, leaving about twenty-five of us “number fours” holding + horses. Now, you may talk all you please about safe places in a fight, but + sitting on a horse in plain sight, holding three other prancing, kicking, + squalling horses, while the rest of the boys are behind trees, or behind + logs, popping at the enemy, is no soft thing. The bullets seemed to pass + right over our fellows on foot, and came right among the horses, who + twisted around and got tangled up, and made things unpleasant. I was + trying to get a stallion I was holding to quit biting my legs, when I saw + my little Irishman, who had steered me on to the soft snap, dodge down + behind his horse's head, to escape a bullet that killed one of the horses + he was holding, and I said, “This is a fine arrangement you have got me + into. This is worse than being in front.” He said he believed it was, as + he backed his other horses away from the dying horse, but he said as long + as they killed horses we had no cause to complain. There was a sergeant in + charge of us “number fours,” and he was as cool as any fellow I ever saw. + The sergeant was a nice man, but he was no musician. He was an Irishman, + also, and when any bugle-call and when any bugle-call sounded he had to + ask some one what it was. There was a great deal of uncertainty about + bugle-calls, I noticed, among officers as well as men. + </p> + <p> + Of course it could not be expected that every man in a cavalry regiment + would be a music teacher, and the calls sounded so much alike to the + uncultivated ear, that it was no wonder that everybody got the calls + mixed. In camp we got so we could tell “assembly,” and “surgeon's call,” + and “tattoo,” and quite a number of others, but the calls of battle were + Greek to us. The bugle sounded down in the woods, and the sergeant turned + to me and asked, “Fhat the divil is that I dunno?” I was satisfied it was + “To horse,” but when I saw our fellows come rushing back towards the + horses it looked as though the order was to fall back, and I suggested as + much to the sergeant. He thought it looked reasonable, too, and he ordered + us to fall back slowly toward the regiment. We didn't go so confounded + slow, and of course I was ahead with my three horses. The sergeant heard + the captain yell to him to hold on, and he got the most of the “fours” to + stop, and let the boys get on, but the little Irishman and myself couldn't + hold our extra horses, and they dragged us along over logs and through + brush, the regiment drew sabers to “shoo” the horses back, waived their + hats, my horse run his fore feet into a hole, fell down, and let me off + over his head, the other horses seemed to walk on me, I became insensible, + and the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance, behind the regiment, + which was on the march, as though nothing had happened. I felt of myself + to see if anything was broke, and finding I was all right I told the + driver of the ambulance I guessed I would get out and mount my horse, but + he said he guessed I wouldn t, because the colonel had told him if I died + to bury me beside the road, but if I lived to bring me to headquarters for + punishment. The driver said the boys whose horses I had stampeded, wanted + to kill me, but the colonel had said death was too good for me. Well, + nobody was hurt in the skirmish, and about noon we arrived at a camping + place for the night, and the ambulance drove up, and I was placed under + guard. + </p> + <p> + It seems the sergeant had laid the whole thing to me. He had admitted to + the colonel that he didn't know one bugle call from another, and he + supposed I did, and when he asked me what it was, and I said it was to + retreat, he supposed I knew, and retreated. The colonel asked me what I + had to say, and I told him I didn't know any bugle call except get your + quinine, get your quinine. That when I enlisted there was nothing said + about my ability to read notes in music, and I had never learned, and + couldn't learn, as I had no more ear for music than a mule. I told him if + he would furnish a music teacher, I would study hard to try and master the + difference between “forward and back,” but that it didn't seem to me as + though I ought to be held responsible for an expression of opinion, + however erroneous, when asked for it by a superior officer. + </p> + <p> + I told him that when the bugle sounded, and I saw the boys coming back on + a hop, skip and jump, it seemed to me the most natural thing in the world + that the bugle had sounded a retreat. That seemed the only direction we + could go, and as my natural inclination was to save those horses that had + been placed in my charge, of course I interpreted the bugle call to mean + for us to get out of there honorably, and as the only way to get out + honorably was to get out quick, we got up and dusted. The colonel always + gave me credit for being a good debater, and he smiled and said that as no + damage had been done, he would not insist that I be shot on the spot, but + he felt that an example should be made of me. He said I would be under + arrest until bed time, down under a tree, half a mile or so from + headquarters, in plain sight, and he would send music teachers there to + teach me the bugle calls. I thanked him, in a few well chosen remarks, and + the guard marched me to the tree, which was the guard-house. I found + another soldier there, under arrest, who had rode out of the ranks to + water his horse, while on the march, against orders, and a Confederate + prisoner that had been captured in the morning skirmish, a captain of a + Virginia regiment. The captain seemed real hurt at having been captured, + and was inclined to be uppish and distant. I tried two or three times to + get him into conversation on some subject connected with the war, but he + wouldn't have it. He evidently looked upon me as a horse-thief, a + deserter, and a bad man, or else a soldier who had been sent to pump + information out of him. I never was let alone quite as severely as I was + by our prisoner, at first. But I went to work and built a fire, and soon + had some coffee boiling, bacon frying, and sweet potatoes roasting, and + when I spread the lay out on the ground, and said, “Colonel, this is on + me. Won't you join me?” I think he was the most surprised man I ever saw, + He had watched every move I made, in cooking, with a yearning such as is + seldom seen, and he probably had no more idea that he was going to have a + mouthful of it, than that he should fly. His eyes might have been weak, + but if he had been a man I knew well, I should have said there were a + couple of tears gathering in his eyes, and I was quite sure of it when the + flood broke over the eye-lid dam, and rolled down among the underbrush + whiskers. He stopped the flood at once, by an effort of will, though there + seemed a something in his throat when he said, “You don't mean it, do you, + kernel?” I told him of course I meant it, and to slide right up and help + himself, and I speared a great big sweet potato, and some bacon, and + placed them on a big leaf, and poured coffee out in the only cup I had. He + kicked on using the cup, but I said we would both drink out of it. He + said, “you are very kind, sir,” and that was all he said during the meal. + But how he <i>did</i> eat. He tried to act as though he didn't care much + for dinner, and as though he was eating out of courtesy to me, but I could + tell by the way the sweet potato went down in the depths of my Confederate + friend, and by the joyous look when a swallow of coffee hit the right + place, that he was having a picnic. + </p> + <p> + When we were through with dinner and the guard and the other prisoner were + cooking theirs, he said, “My friend, I do not mind telling you now that I + was much in need of food. I had not eaten since yesterday morning, as we + have been riding hard to intercept you gentlemen, sir. I trust I shall + live long enough to repay, you sir.” I told him not to mention it, as all + our boys made it a point to divide when we captured a prisoner. He said he + believed his people felt the same way, but God knew they had little to + divide. He said he trembled when he thought that some of our men who were + prisoners in the south were faring very poorly, but it could not be + helped. “Suppose I had captured you,” he said, with a smile that was + forced, “I could not have given you a mouthful of bread, until we had + found a southern family that 'had bread to spare.'” I told him it was + pretty tough, but it would all be over before long, and then we would all + have plenty to eat. I got out a pack of cards, and the confederate captain + played seven-up with me, while we smoked. Presently nine buglers came down + to where we were, formed in line, and began to sound cavalry calls in + concert. I knew that they were the music teachers the colonel had sent to + teach me the calls. The confederate looked on in astonishment, while they + sounded a call, and when it was done I asked the chief bugler what it was, + and he told me, and I asked him to sound something else, which he did. My + idea was to convince the prisoner that this was a part of daily routine. + He got nervous and couldn't remember which was trumps; and finally said we + might talk all we pleased about the horrors of Andersonville, but to be + blowed to death with cavalry bugles was a fate that only the most hardened + criminals should suffer. The confederate evidently had no ear for music + more than I had, and he soon got enough. However the buglers kept up their + noise till about supper time, when they were called on. I got another meal + for the confederate, and he seemed to be actually getting fat. The colonel + of my regiment came down to where we were, and said, “You fellows seem to + be doing pretty well,” and then he had a long talk with the rebel + prisoner, invited him up to his tent to pass the night, apologized for the + concert he had been giving us, explained what it was for, told me I could + go to my company if I thought I could remember a bugle call in the future; + the captain shook hands with me and thanked me cordially, and we + separated. He was exchanged, the next day, and I never saw him for + twenty-two years, when I found him at the head of a manufacturing + enterprise in his loved Virginia, and he furnished me a more expensive + meal than I did him years before, but it didn't taste half as good as the + bacon dinner in Alabama under the guard-house tree. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A Short Story About a Pair of Boots, Showing the Monumental + Gall of their Owner. +</pre> + <p> + When I enlisted in the cavalry I bought a pair of top boots, of the + Wellington pattern, stitched with silk up and down the legs, which were of + shiny morocco. They came clear above my knees, and from the pictures I had + seen of cavalry soldiers, it struck me those boots would be a pass-port to + any society in the army. The first few months of my service, it seemed to + me, the boots gave me more tone than any one thing. I learned afterwards + that all new recruits came to the regiment with such boots, and that they + were the laughing stock of all the old veterans. I did not know that I was + being guyed by the boys, and I loved those boots above all things I had. + To be sure, when we struck an unusually muddy country, some idiot of an + officer seemed to be inspired to order us to dismount. The boys who had + common army boots would dismount anywhere, in mud or water, but it seemed + to me cruel for officers to order a dismount, when they knew I would have + to step in the mud half way up to my knees, with those morocco boots on. + Several times when ordered to dismount in the mud, I have ridden out of + the road, where it was not muddy, to dismount, but the boys would laugh so + loud, and the officers would swear so wickedly, that I got so I would + dismount wherever they told me, suppress my emotions, as I felt my + beautiful, shiny boots sink into the red clay, and when we got into camp I + would spend half the night cleaning my boots. The captain said if I would + spend half the time cleaning my carbine and saber that I did cleaning my + boots, I would have been a model soldier. + </p> + <p> + I think that for the first year of my service I had as elegant a pair of + boots as could be found in the army. But it was the hardest work to keep + track of them. The first three months it was all I could do to keep the + chaplain from trading me a pair of old army shoes for my boots. The + arguments he used to convince me that mo-. rocco boots were far above my + station, and that they were intended for a chaplain, were labored. If he + had used the same number of words in the right direction, he could have + converted the whole army. I had to sleep with my boots under my head every + night, to prevent them from being stolen and twice they were stolen from + my tent, but in each case recovered at the sutler's, where they had been + pawned for a bottle of brandy peaches, which I had to pay for to redeem + the boots. The boots had become almost a burden to me, in keeping them, + but I enjoyed them so much that money could not have bought them. When we + were in a town for a few days, and I rode around, it did not make any + difference whether I had any other clothes on, of any account, the morocco + boots captured the town. The natives could not see how a man who wore such + boots could be anything but a high-up thoroughbred. The last time I lost + my boots will always be remembered by those who were in the same command. + We were on the march with a Michigan and a New Jersey regiment, through + the dustiest country that ever was. The dust was eight inches deep in the + road, and just like fine ashes. Every time a horse put his foot down the + dust would raise above the trees, and as there were two thousand horses, + with four feet apiece, and each foot in constant motion, it can be + imagined that the troops were dusty. And it was so hot that the + perspiration oozed out of us, but the dust covered it. + </p> + <p> + The three regiments took turns in acting as rear guard, to pick up + stragglers, and on this hot and dusty day the New Jersey regiment was in + the rear. It was composed of Germans entirely, with a German colonel, a + man who had seen service in Europe, and he looked upon a soldier as a + machine, with no soul, fit only to obey orders. That was not the kind of a + soldier I was. During the day's march the boys stripped off everything + they could. I know all I had on was a shirt and pants, and a handkerchief + around my head. I took off my boots and coat and let the colored cook of + the company strap them on to his saddle with the camp kettles. He usually + rode right behind the company, and I thought I could get my things any + time if I wanted to dress up. It was the hardest day's march that I ever + experienced, lungs full of dust, and every man so covered with dust that + you could not recognize your nearest neighbor. Afternoon the command + halted beside a stream, and it was announced that we would go into camp + for the night. The colored cook came along soon after, and he was + perfectly pale, whether from dust or fright I could not tell, but he + announced to me, in a manner that showed that he appreciated the calamity + which had befallen the command, that he had lost my boots. I was going to + kill him, but my carbine was full of dust, and I made it a point never to + kill a man with a dirty gun, so I let him explain. He said: + </p> + <p> + “I fell back to de rear, by dat plantation where de cotton gin was + burning, to see if I couldn't get a canteen of buttermilk to wash de dust + outen my froat, when dat Dutch Noo Jersey gang come along, and de boss he + said, 'nicker, you got back ahead fere you pelong, or I gick you in de + pack mit a saber, aind't it,' and when I get on my mule to come along he + grab de boots and he say, 'nicker, dot boots is better for me,' and when I + was going to take dem away from him he stick me in de pants wid a saber. + Den I come away.” + </p> + <p> + I could have stood up under having an arm shot off, but to lose my boots + was more than I could bear. It never did take me long to decide on any + important matter, and in a moment I decided to invade the camp of that New + Jersey regiment, recapture my boots or annihilate every last foreigner on + our soil, so I started off, barefooted, without a coat, and covered with + dust, for the headquarters of the New Jersey fellows. They had been in + camp but a few minutes, but every last one of them had taken a bath in the + river, brushed the dust off his clothes, and looked ready for dress + parade. That was one fault of those foreigners, they were always clean, if + they had half a chance. I went right to the colonel's tent, and he was + surrounded with officers, and they were opening bottles of beer, and how + cool it looked. There was something peculiar about those foreigners, no + matter if they were doing duty in the most inaccessible place in the + south, and were short of transportation, you could always find beer at + their headquarters. I walked right in, and the colonel was just blowing + the foam off a glass of beer. He looked at me in astonishment, and I said + in a voice husky from dust down my neck: + </p> + <p> + “Colonel this is an important epoch in the history of our beloved country. + Events have transpired within the past hour, which leaves it an open + question whether, as a nation, we are afoot or on horseback.” + </p> + <p> + “Great hefens,” said the colonel, stopping with his glass of beer half + drank, “you vrighten me. Vot has habbened. But vait, und dake a glass of + beer, as you seem exhausted, und proke up. Captain Ouskaspiel, hand the + shendleman some peer. Mine Gott, bud you look hard, strancher.” + </p> + <p> + I do not believe that I ever drank anything that seemed to go right to the + spot, the way that beer did. It seemed to start a freshet of dust down my + neck, clear my throat, and brace me up. While I was drinking it I noticed + that the German colonel and his officers eyed me closely, my bare feet, my + flannel shirt full of dust, and my hair that looked as though I had stood + on my head in the road. They waited for me to continue, and after draining + the last drop in the glass, I said: + </p> + <p> + “Colonel, it was no ordinary circumstance that induced you brave + foreigners, holding allegiance to European sovereigns, to fly to arms to + defend this new nation from an internecine foe. While we natives, and to + the manor born, left our plows in the furrow, to spring to-arms, you left + your shoemaker shops, the spigots of your beer saloons, the marts of + commerce in which you were engaged, and stood shoulder to shoulder. Where + the bullets of the enemy whistled, there could be found the brave Dutchmen + of New Jersey. It brings tears to eyes unused to weeping, to think of the + German fathers and mothers of our land, who are waiting and watching for + the return of sons who will never come back, and this is, indeed, harder + for them to bear, when we reflect that these boys were not obliged to + fight for our country, holding allegiance, as I said before to——” + </p> + <p> + “Waid a minute, of you blease,” said the colonel. “Dake von more drink, + and dell me, of you please, vot de hell you vos drying to get at. Capt. + Hemrech, gif der shendleman a glass of beer.” + </p> + <p> + A second glass of beer was given me, and I drank it. There was evidently a + suspicion on the part of the New Jersey officers that the importance of my + visit had been over-rated by them, and they seemed anxious to have me come + to the point. + </p> + <p> + “On the march today,” said I, wiping the foam off my moustache on my + shirt-sleeve, “one of your thieving soldiers stole my boots from our + nigger cook, who was conveying them for me. A cavalry soldier without + boots, is no good. I came after my boots, and I will have them or blood. + Return my boots, or by the eternal, the Wisconsin cavalry regiment will + come over here and everlastingly gallop over your fellows. The + constitution of the United States and the Declaration of Independence, are + on my side. In civil life a man's house is his castle. In the army a man's + boots is his castle. Give me my boots, sir, or the blood of the slain will + rest on your heads.” + </p> + <p> + The colonel was half mad and half pleased. He tapped his forehead with his + fore-finger, and looked at his officers in a manner that showed he + believed my head was wrong, but he said kindly: + </p> + <p> + “My man, you go oud and sit under a tree, in the shade, and I vill hafe + your poots found if they are in my rechiment,” and I went out. I heard the + colonel say to one of his officers, “It vas too pad dot two good glasses + of beer should be spoiled, giving them to dot grazy solcher. Ve must be + more careful mit de beer.” + </p> + <p> + Pretty soon an officer came out and asked me how the boots were taken, and + I gave him all the information I had, and he sent men all around the + regiment, and in an hour or so the boots were brought to me, the man who + stole them was arrested, the officers apologized to me, and I went back to + my regiment in triumph, with my boots under my arms. The incident got + noised around among the other regiments, and for months after that, when + the colonel of the New Jersey cavalry rode by another regiment, the boys + would yell out, “Boots, boots,” or when a company or squad of the New + Jersey fellows would pass along, it was “Look out for your boots! The + shoemakers are coming.” For stealing that one pair of boots, by one man, a + whole regiment got a reputation for stealing that hung to it a long time. + Ten years afterward I was connected with a New York daily paper, and one + evening I was detailed to go to a New Jersey city to report the + commencement exercises of a college. In the programme of exercises I + noticed that a man of the same name of that of the New Jersey colonel, was + one of the college professors, and I wondered if he was the same man. + During the evening he put in an appearance on the stage, and I could see + that he was the colonel who had given me the beer, and caused my boots to + be returned to me. After the exercises of the evening, the New York + newspaper men were invited to partake of a collation in the apartments of + the college officials, and the professors were introduced to the newspaper + men. When my turn came to be introduced, and the old colonel stood before + me, I said: + </p> + <p> + “General, you were in the army, were you not?” + </p> + <p> + “Yezzer!” said the old man. “I am broud to say dot I fought for my adopted + country. But vy do you ask?” + </p> + <p> + “We have met before. I, too, was a soldier. I was at your headquarters + once, on a very important mission. I was entertained, sir, in your tent, + permitted, to partake of the good, things you had, and sent away happy. + </p> + <p> + “Vell, you dond't say so,” said the old man, as he pressed my hand warmly. + “Vere vas dis dat you were my guest, and vot vas de important message?” + and he smiled all over his face at the prospect of hearing something about + old times. + </p> + <p> + “It was in Mississippi, between Montgomery, Ala., and Vicksburg. Do you + remember the hottest and dustiest day that ever was, when we camped on a + little stream?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “O, yah!” said the colonel; “very well. It vas an awful time.” + </p> + <p> + “I went to your headquarters with information of vital importance. One of + your soldiers <i>had stolen my boots</i>.” + </p> + <p> + “Gott in himmel!” said the old colonel, now a college professor, as he + looked at me to see if there was any resemblance between the New York + reporter and the dusty, bare-footed soldier of ten years before. “Vill I + never hear de last of dem dam boots? And you are de same veller, eh. I + have often thought, since dat day, vot an awful gall you had. But it is + all ofer now. You vatch your poots vile you are in New Chersey, for plenty + of dose cavalry-men are all around here. But do me a favor now, and don't + ever again say poots to me, dot's a good fellow,” and then we all sat down + to lunch, and the old colonel told the newspaper boys from New York about + how I called at his tent on the march, looking for a pair of boots that + had eloped with one of his New Chersey dutchmen. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How Private George W. 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