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diff --git a/25492-0.txt b/25492-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..678efa5 --- /dev/null +++ b/25492-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8316 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of How Private George W. Peck Put Down The +Rebellion, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: How Private George W. Peck Put Down The Rebellion + or, The Funny Experiences of a Raw Recruit - 1887 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25492] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRIVATE GEORGE W. PECK *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +HOW PRIVATE GEORGE W. PECK PUT DOWN THE REBELLION + +OR, THE FUNNY EXPERIENCES OF A RAW RECRUIT. + +By George W. Peck + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + The War Literature of the “Century” is very Confusing--I am + Resolved to tell the True Story of the War--How and Why I + Became a Raw Recruit--My Quarters--My Horse--My First Ride. + +For the last year or more I have been reading the articles in the +_Century_ magazine, written by generals and things who served on both +the Union and Confederate sides, and have been struck by the number of +“decisive battles” that were fought, and the great number of generals +who fought them and saved the country. It seems that each general on the +Union side, who fought a battle, and writes an article for the aforesaid +magazine, admits that his battle was the one which did the business. +On the Confederate side, the generals who write articles invariably +demonstrate that they everlastingly whipped their opponents, and drove +them on in disorder. To read those articles it seems strange that the +Union generals who won so many decisive battles, should not have ended +the war much sooner than they did, and to read the accounts of battles +won by the Confederates, and the demoralization that ensued in the +ranks of their opponents, it seems marvellous that the Union army was +victorious. Any man who has followed these generals of both sides, in +the pages of that magazine, must conclude that the war was a draw game, +and that both sides were whipped. Thus far no general has lost a battle +on either side, and all of them tacitly admit that the whole thing +depended on them, and that other commanders were mere ciphers. This is +a kind of history that is going to mix up generations yet unborn in the +most hopeless manner. + +It has seemed to me as though the people of this country had got so +mixed up about the matter that it was the duty of some private soldier +to write a description of _the_ decisive battle of the war, and as I was +the private soldier who fought that battle on the Union side, against +fearful odds, _viz_: against a Confederate soldier who was braver than +I was, a better horseback rider, and a better poker player, I feel it +my duty to tell about it. I have already mentioned it to a few veterans, +and they have advised me to write an article for the _Century_, but +I have felt a delicacy about entering the lists, a plain, unvarnished +private soldier, against those generals. While I am something of a liar +myself, and can do fairly well in my own class, I should feel that in +the _Century_ I was entered in too fast a class of liars, and the result +would be that I should not only lose my entrance fee, but be distanced. +So I have decided to contribute this piece of history solely for the +benefit of the readers of my own paper, as they will believe me. + +It was in 1864 that I joined a cavalry regiment in the department of the +Gulf, a raw recruit in a veteran regiment. It may be asked why I waited +so long before enlisting, and why I enlisted at all, when the war was so +near over. I know that the most of the soldiers enlisted from patriotic +motives, and because they wanted to help shed blood, and wind up the +war. I did not. I enlisted for the bounty. I thought the war was nearly +over, and that the probabilities were that the regiment I had enlisted +in would, be ordered home before I could get to it. In fact the +recruiting officer told me as much, and he said I would get my bounty, +and a few months' pay, and it would be just like finding money. He said +at that late day I would never see a rebel, and if I did have to join +the regiment, there would be no fighting, and it would just be one +continued picnic for two or three months, and there would be no more +danger than to go off camping for a duck shoot. At my time of life, now +that I have become gray, and bald, and my eyesight is failing, and I +have become a grandfather, I do not want to open the sores of twenty-two +years ago. I want a quiet life. So I would not assert that the +recruiting officer deliberately lied to me, but I was the worst deceived +man that ever enlisted, and if I ever meet that man, on this earth, it +will go hard with him. Of course, if he is dead, that settles it, as I +shall not follow any man after death, where I am in doubt as to which +road he has taken, but if he is alive, and reads these lines, he can +hear of something to his advantage by communicating with me. I would +probably kill him. As far as the bounty was concerned, I got that all +right, but it was only three-hundred dollars. Within twenty-four hours +after I had been credited to the town from which I enlisted, I heard of +a town that was paying as high as twelve-hundred dollars for recruits. +I have met with many reverses of fortune in the course of a short, but +brilliant career, have loaned money and never got it back, have been +taken in by designing persons on three card monte, and have been beaten +trading horses, but I never suffered much more than I did when I found +that I had got to go to war for a beggerly three-hundred dollars bounty, +when I could have had twelve hundred dollars by being credited to +another town. I think that during two years and a half of service +nothing tended more to dampen my ardor, make me despondent, and hate +myself, than the loss of that nine-hundred dollars bounty. There was not +an hour of the day, in all of my service, that I did not think of what +might have been. It was a long time before I brought to my aid that +passage of scripture, “There is no use crying for spilled bounty,” but +when I did it helped me some. I thought of the hundreds who didn't get +any bounty. + +I joined my regiment, and had a cavalry horse issued to me, and was +assigned to a company. I went up to the captain of the company, whom I +had known as a farmer before the war commenced, and told him I had come +to help him put down the rebellion. I never saw a man so changed as he +was. I thought he would ask me to bring my things into his tent, and +stay with him, but he seemed to have forgotten that he had known me, +when he worked on the farm. He was dressed up nicely, and I thought he +put on style, and I could only think of him at home, with his overalls +tucked in his boots, driving a yoke of oxen to plow a field. He seemed +to feel that I had known him under unfavorable circumstances before the +war, and acted as though he wanted to shun me. I had drawn an infantry +knapsack, at Madison, before I left for the front, and had it full of +things, besides a small trunk. The captain called a soldier and told him +to find quarters for me, and I went out of his presence. At my quarters, +which consisted of what was called a pup-tent, I found no conveniences, +and it soon dawned on me that war was no picnic, as that lying +recruiting officers had told me it was. I found that I had got to throw +away my trunk and knapsack, and all the articles that I couldn't strap +on a saddle, and when I asked for a mattress the men laughed at me. I +had always slept on a mattress, or a feather bed, and when I was told +that I would have to sleep on the ground, under that little tent, I felt +hurt. I had known the colonel when he used to teach school at home, and +I went to him and told him what kind of a way they were treating me, +but he only laughed. He had two nice cots in his tent, and I told him +I thought I ought to have a cot, too. He laughed some more. Finally I +asked him who slept in his extra cot, and intimated that I had rather +sleep in his tent than mine, but he sent me away, and said he would see +what could be done. I laid on the ground that night, but I didn't sleep. +If I ever get a pension it will be for rheumatism caught by sleeping on +the ground. The rheumatism has not got hold of me yet, though twenty-two +years have passed, but it may be lurking about my system, for all I +know. + +I had never rode a horse, before enlisting. The only thing I had ever +got straddle of was a stool in a country printing office, and when I +was first ordered to saddle up my horse, I could not tell which way the +saddle and bridle went, and I got a colored man to help me, for which I +paid him some of the remains of my bounty. I hired him permanently, to +take care of my horse, but I soon learned that each soldier had to take +care of his own horse. That seemed pretty hard. I had been raised a pet, +and had edited a newspaper, which had been one of the most outspoken +advocates of crushing the rebellion, and it seemed to me, as much as I +had done for the government, in urging enlistments, I was entitled to +more consideration then to become my own hostler. However, I curbed my +proud spirit, and after the nigger cook had saddled my horse, I led the +animal up to a fence to climb on. From the remarks of the soldiers, and +the general laugh all around, it was easy to see that mounting a cavalry +horse from off the top of a rail fence was not according to tactics, +but it was the only way I could see to get on, in the absence of +step-ladders. They let me ride into the ranks, after mounting, and then +they laughed. It was hard for me to be obliged to throw away all the +articles I had brought with me, so I strapped them on the saddle in +front and behind, and only my head stuck out over them. There was one +thing, it would be a practicable impossibility to fall off. + +[Illustration: Mounting a horse from the top of a rail fence 021] + +The regiment started on a raid. The colonel came along by my company +during the afternoon, and I asked him where we were going. He gave me an +evasive answer, which hurt my feelings. I asked his pardon, but told him +I would like to know where we were going, so as to have my letters +sent to me, but he went off laughing, and never told me, while the old +soldiers laughed, though I couldn't see what they were laughing at. +I did not suppose there was so much difference between officers and +privates, and wondered if it was the policy of this government to have +a cavalry regiment to start off on a long raid and not let the soldiers +know where they were going, and during the afternoon I decided to write +home to the paper I formerly edited and give my opinion of such a fool +way of running a war. Suppose anybody at home was sick, they wouldn't +know where to write for me to come back. There is nothing that will give +a man such an appetite as riding on a galloping horse, and along about +the middle of the afternoon I began to get hungry, and asked the orderly +sergeant when we were going to get any dinner. He said there was a hotel +a short distance ahead, and the colonel had gone forward to order dinner +for the regiment. I believed him, because I had known the orderly before +the war, when he drove a horse in a brickyard, grinding clay. But he +was a liar, too, as I found out afterwards. There was not a hotel within +fifty miles, and soldiers did not stop at hotels, anyway. Finally the +orderly sergeant came along and announced that dinner was ready, and I +looked for the hotel, but the only dinner I saw was some raw pork that +soldiers took out of their saddle bags, with hard tack. We stopped in +the woods, dismounted, and the boys would cut off a slice of fat pork +and spread it on the hard tack and eat it. I had never supposed the +government would subject its soldiers to such fare as that, and I +wouldn't eat. I did not dare dismount, as there was no fence near that +I could use to climb on to my horse, so I sat in the saddle and let the +horse eat some grass, while I thought of home, and pie and cake, and +what a condemned fool a man was to leave a comfortable home to go +and put down anybody's rebellion. The way I felt then I wouldn't have +touched a rebellion if one lay right in the road. What business was it +of mine if some people in the South wanted to dissolve partnership and +go set up business for themselves? How was I going to prevent them +from having a southern confederacy, by riding an old rack of bones of a +horse, that would reach his nose around every little while and chew my +legs? If the recruiting officer who inveigled me into the army had +come along then, his widow would now be drawing a pension. While I was +thinking, dreaming of home, and the horse was eating grass, the fool +animal suddenly took it into his head to lay down and roll, and before I +could kick any of his ribs in, he was down, and I was rolling off, with +one leg under him. The soldiers quit eating and pulled the horse of +me, and hoisted me up into the space between my baggage, and then they +laughed, lit their pipes and smoked, as happy as could be. I couldn t +see how they could be happy, and wondered if they were not sick of war. +Then they mounted, and on we went. My legs and body became chafed, and +it seemed as though I couldn t ride another minute, and when the captain +came along I told him about it, and asked him if I couldn t be relieved +some way. He said the only way was for me to stand on my head and ride, +and he winked at a soldier near me, and, do you know, that soldier +actually changed ends with himself and stood on his head and hands in +the saddle and rode quite a distance, and the captain said that was the +way a cavalry soldier rested himself. Gracious, I wouldn t have tried +that for the world, and I found out afterwards that the soldier who +stood on his head formerly belonged with a circus. + +I suppose it was wrong to complain, but the horse they gave me was the +meanest horse in the regiment. He would bite and kick the other horses, +and they would kick back, and about half the time I was dodging the +heels of horses, and a good deal of the time I was wondering if a man +would get any pension if he was wounded that way. It would seem pretty +tough to go home on a stretcher, as a wounded soldier, and have people +find out a horse kicked you. I never had been a man of blood, and didn't +enlist to kill anybody, as I could prove by that recruiting officer, +and I didn t want to fight, but from what I could gather from the +conversation of the soldiers, fighting and killing people was about all +they thought about. They talked about this one and that one who had been +killed, and the hundreds of confederates they had all shot or killed +with sabres, until my hair just stood right up. It seems that twelve or +fifteen men, more or less, had been shot off the horse I was riding, and +one fellow who rode next to me said no man who ever rode that old yellow +horse had escaped alive. This was cheering to me, and I would have given +my three hundred dollars bounty, and all I could borrow, if I could get +out of the army. However, I found out afterwards that the soldier lied. +In fact they all lied, and they lied for my benefit. We struck into the +woods, and traveled until after dark, with no road, and the march was +enlivened by remarks of the soldiers near me to the effect that we would +probably never get out of the woods alive. They said we were trying to +surround an army of rebels, and cut them off from the main army, and the +chances were that when tomorrow's sun rose it would rise on the ghostly +corpses of the whole regiment, with jackals and buzzards eating us. +One of the soldiers took something from his pocket, about the size of +a testament, pressed it to his heart, and then kissed it, and I felt as +though I was about to faint, but by the light of a match which another +soldier had scratched on his pants to light his pipe, I saw that what I +supposed to be a testament, was a box of sardines the soldier had bought +of the sutler. I was just about to die of hunger, exhaustion, and fright +at the fearful stories the veterans had been telling, when there was +a shout at the head of the regiment, which was taken up all along the +line, my horse run under the limb of a tree and raked me out of the +saddle, and I hung to the limb, my legs hanging down, and + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + I Am Rudely Awakened from Dreams of Home--I Go on Picket-- + The Foe Advances--A Desperate Conflict--The Union-- + Confederate Breakfast on the Alabama Race-Track--A Friendly + Partin + +The careful readers of this history have no doubt been worried about the +manner in which the first chapter closed, leaving me hanging to a limb +of a tree, like Absalom weeping for her children, my horse having gone +out from under me. But I have not been hanging there all this time. The +soldiers took me down, and caught my horse, and the regiment dismounted +and a council of war was held. I suppose it was a council of war, as I +noticed the officers were all in a group under a tree, with a candle, +examining a map, and drinking out of a canteen. I had read of councils +of war, but I had never seen one, and so I walked over to the crowd +of officers and asked the colonel if there was anything particular the +matter. I never saw a crowd of men who seemed so astonished as those +officers were, and suddenly I felt myself going away from where they +were consulting, with somebody's strong hand on my collar, and an +unmistakable cavalry boot, with a man in it, in the vicinity of my +pantaloons. I do not know to this day, which officer it was that kicked +me, but I went away and sat under a tree in the dark, so hungry that I +was near dead, and I wished I _was_ dead. I guess the officers wished +that I was, too. The soldiers tried to console me by telling me I was +too fresh, but I couldn't see why a private soldier, right from home, +who knew all about the public sentiment at the north in regard to the +way the war was conducted, should not have a voice in the consultations +of officers. I had written many editorials before I left home, +criticising the manner in which many generals had handled their +commands, and pointed out to my readers how defeat could have been +turned into victory, if the generals had done as I would have done in +their places. It seemed to me the officers of my regiment were taking a +suicidal course in barring me out of their consultations. A soldier had +told me that we were lost in the woods, and as I had studied geography +when at school, and was well posted about Alabama, it seemed as though a +little advice from me would be worth a good deal. But I concluded to let +them stay lost forever before I would volunteer any information. It was +crawling along towards midnight, of my first day in the army, and I +had eaten nothing since morning. As I sat there under the tree I fell +asleep, and was dreaming of home, and warm biscuit, with honey, and a +feather bed, when I was rudely awakened by a corporal who told me to +mount. I asked him what for, and told him that I didn t want to ride any +more that night. What I wanted was to be let alone, to sleep. He said to +get on the horse too quick, and I found there was no use arguing with a +common corporal, so the boys hoisted me on to the horse, and about nine +of us started off through the woods in the moonlight, looking for a main +road. The corporal was kind enough to say that as soon as we found a +road we would put out a picket, and send a courier back to the regiment +to inform the colonel that we had got out of the woods, and the rest of +us would lay down and sleep till morning. I don't think I was ever so +anxious to see a road in all my life, because I _did_ want to lay down +and sleep, and die. O, if I could have telegraphed home, how I would +have warned the youth of the land to beware of the allurements held out +by recruiting officers, and to let war alone. In an hour or so we came +to a clearing, and presently to a road, and we stopped. The corporal +detailed me to go up the road a short distance and stand picket on my +horse. That was not what I had expected of the corporal. I used to know +him before the war when he worked in a paint shop in a wagon factory, +and I had always treated him well, and it seemed as though he ought +to favor me by letting somebody else go on picket. I told him that the +other boys were more accustomed to such work than I was, and that I +would resign in their favor, because what I wanted was rest, but he +said I would have to go, and he called me “Camp and Garrison Equipage,” + because I carried so much luggage on my horse, a name that held to +me for months. I found that there was no use kicking against going on +picket duty that night, though I tried to argue with the corporal that +it would be just as well to all lay down and sleep till morning, and +put out a picket when it got light enough to see. I was willing to work +during the day time for the government, but it seemed as though it was +rushing things a little to make a man work day and night for thirteen +dollars a month. So the corporal went out on the road with me about +a quarter of a mile, and placed me in position and gave me my +instructions. The instructions were to keep a sharp lookout up and down +the road for Confederate cavalry, and if I saw anybody approaching to +sing out “halt!” and if the party did not halt to shoot him, and then +call for the corporal of the guard, who would come out to see what was +the matter. I asked him what I should do if anybody came along and shot +me, and he said that would be all right, that the boys would come out +and bury me. He said I must keep awake, for if I got to sleep on my post +I would be court-martialed and shot, and then he rode away and left +me alone, on a horse that kept whinnying, and calling the attention of +possible Confederates to my position. + +I do not think any reader of these papers will envy me the position I +was in at that time. If I remained awake, I was liable to be killed by +the enemy, and if I fell asleep on my post I would be shot anyway. +And if I was not killed, it was probable I would be a murderer before +morning. Hunger was gnawing at my stomach, and the horse was gnawing +at my legs, and I was gnawing at a hard tack which I had found in the +saddle-bag. Every little while I would hear a noise, and my hair would +raise my hat up, and it would seem to me as though the next minute a +volley would be fired at me, and I shrunk down between the piles of +baggage on my saddle to be protected from bullets. Suddenly the moon +came out from behind a cloud and around a turn in the road a solitary +horseman might have been seen coming towards me. I never have seen a +horse that looked as high as that horse did. He seemed at least eighteen +feet high, and the man on him was certainly twelve feet high. My heart +pounded against a tin canteen that I had strung around my shoulder, so +I could hear the beating perfectly plain. The man was approaching, and I +was trying to think whether I had been instructed to shoot and then call +for the corporal of the guard, or call for the corporal and then ask him +to halt. I knew there was a halt in my instructions, and wondered if +it would not conciliate the enemy to a certain extent if I would say +“Please Halt.” The fact was, I didn t want to have any fuss. If I could +have backed my horse up into the woods, and let the man go by, it seemed +as though it would save precipitating a conflict. It is probable that +no military man was ever in so tight a place as I was that minute. The +enemy was advancing, and I wondered if, when he got near enough, I could +say “halt,” in a commanding tone of voice. I knew enough, then, to feel +that to ask the stranger to halt in a trembling and husky voice would +give the whole thing away, that I was a recruit and a coward. Ye gods, +how I suffered! I wondered if I could hit a man with a bullet. Before +the war I was quite a good shot with a shotgun, shooting into flocks of +pigeons and ducks, and I thought what a good idea it would be if I could +get that approaching rebel into a flock. The idea seemed so ridiculous +that I laughed right out loud. It was not a hearty, happy laugh, but it +was a laugh all the same, and I was proud that I could laugh in the face +of danger, when I might be a corpse any minute. The man on the horse +stopped. Whether he heard me laugh it is impossible to say, but he +stopped. That relieved me a great deal. As he had stopped it was +unnecessary for me to invite him to halt. He was welcome to stay there +if he wanted to. I argued that it was not my place to go howling around +the Southern Confederacy, ordering people to halt, when they had already +halted. If he would let me alone and stay where he was, what sense was +there in picking a quarrel with him? + +Why should I want to shoot a total stranger, who might have a family +at home, somewhere in the South, who would mourn for him. He might be +a dead shot, as many Southern gentlemen were, and if I went to advising +him about halting, it would, very likely cause his hot Southern blood to +boil, and he would say he had just as much right to that road as I had. +If it come right down to the justice of the thing, I should have to +admit that Alabama was not my state. Wisconsin was my home, and if I +was up there, and a man should trespass on my property, it would be +reasonable enough for me to ask him to go away from there, and enforce +my request by calling a constable and having him put off the premises. +But how did I know but he owned property there, and was a tax-payer. I +had it all figured out that I was right in not disturbing that rebel, +and I knew that I could argue with my colonel for a week, if necessary, +on the law points in the case, and the courtesy that I deemed proper +between gentlemen, if any complaint was made for not doing my duty. But, +lordy, how I _did_ sweat while I was deciding to let him alone if he +would let me alone. The war might have been going on now, and that rebel +and myself might have been standing there today, looking at each other, +if it hadn't been for the action of the fool horse that I rode. My +horse had been evidently asleep for some time, but suddenly he woke up, +pricked up his ears, and began to prance, and jump sideways like a race +horse that is on the track, and wants to run. The horse reared up and +plunged, and kept working up nearer to my Southern friend, and I tried +to hold him, and keep him still, but suddenly he got the best of me and +started towards the other man and horse, and the other horse started, as +though some one had said “go”.{*} + + * [Before I get any further on this history of the war, it + is necessary to explain. The facts proved to be that my + regiment had got lost in the woods, and the scouting party, + under the corporal, who had been sent out to find a road, + had come upon the three-quarter stretch of an old private + race track on a deserted southern plantation, instead of a + main road, and I had been placed on picket near the last + turn before striking the quarter stretch. A small party of + Confederates, who had been out on a scout, and got lost, had + come on the track further down, near the judges' stand, and + they had put a man, on picket up near where I was, supposing + they had struck the road, and intending to wait until + morning so as to find out where they were. My horse was an + old race horse, and as soon as he saw the other horse, he + was in for a race and the other horse was willing. This will + show the situation as well as though I had a race track + engraved, showing the positions of the two armies. The + Confederates, except the man on picket, were asleep beside + the track near the quarter stretch, and our fellows, except + myself, were asleep over by the three-quarter pole.] + +I do not suppose any man on this earth, or any other earth, ever tried +to stop a fool horse quite as hard as I did that one. I pulled until my +arms ached, but he went for all that was out, and the horse ahead of +me was buckling in as fast as he could. I could not help wondering what +would happen if I should overtake that Southern man. I was gaining on +him, when suddenly eight or nine men who were sleeping beside the road, +got up and began to shoot at us. They were the friends of the rebel, who +believed that the whole Union army was making a charge on them. We got +by the shooters alive, and then, as we passed the rickety old judge's +stand, I realized that we were on a race track, and for a moment I +forgot that I was a soldier, and only thought of myself as a rider of +a race horse, and I gave the horse his head, and kicked him, and yelled +like a Comanche Indian, and I had the satisfaction of seeing my horse +go by the rebel, and I yelled some more. I got a glimpse of my rebel's, +face as I went by him, and he didn't look much more like a fighting man +than I did, but he was, for as soon as I had got ahead of him he drew +a revolver and began firing at me on the run. I thought that was a mean +trick, and spoke to him about it afterwards, but he said he only wanted +me to stop so he could get acquainted with me. + +[Illustration: On went the two night riders 039] + +Well, I never could find any bullets in any of the clothes strapped on +the back of my saddle, but it _did_ seem to me as though every bullet +from his revolver hit very near my vital parts. But a new danger +presented itself. We were rapidly approaching the corporal and his men, +with whose command I belonged, and they would wake up and think the +whole Confederate army was charging them, and if I was not killed by the +confounded rebel behind me, I should probably be shot all to pieces by +our own men. As we passed our men they fired a few sleepy shots towards +us, and took to the woods. On went the two night riders, and when the +rebel had exhausted his revolver he began to urge his horse, and passed +me, and I drew my revolver and began to fire at him. As we passed the +judge's stand the second time a couple of shots from quite a distance in +the woods showed that his rebel friends had taken alarm at the frequent +charges of cavalry, and had skipped to the woods and were getting away +as fast as possible. We went around the track once more, and when near +the judge's stand I was right behind him, and his horse fell down and +my horse stumbled over him, and I guess we were both stunned. Finally I +crawled out from under my horse, and the rebel was trying to raise up, +when I said, “What in thunder you want to chase a man all around the +Southern Confederacy for, on a dark night, trying to shoot him?” He asked +me to help him up, which I did, when he said, “Who commenced this here +chasing? If you had kept whar you was, I wouldn't a had no truck with +you.” Then I said, “You are my prisoner,” and he said, “No, you are my +prisoner.” I told him I was no hand to argue, but it seemed to me it was +about a stand off, as to which was 'tother's prisoner. I told him that +was my first day's service as a soldier, and I was not posted as to the +customs of civilized warfare, but I was willing to wait till daylight, +leaving matters just as they were, each of us on the defensive, giving +up none of our rights, and after daylight we would play a game of +seven-up to see which was the prisoner. That seemed fair to him, and he +accepted the situation, remarking that he had only been conscripted a +few days and didn't know any more about war than a cow. He said he was +a newspaper man from Georgia, and had been taken right from the case in +his office before his paper could be got out. I told him I was only a +few days out of a country printing office my-self, the sheriff having +closed out my business on an old paper bill. A bond of sympathy was +inaugurated at once between us, and when he limped along the track to +the fence, and found that his ankle was hurt by the fall, I brought a +bottle of horse liniment out of my saddle-bags, and a rag, and bound +some liniment on his ankle. He said he had never seen a Yankee soldier +before, and he was glad he had met me. I told him he was the first rebel +I had ever met, and I hoped he would be the last, until the war was +over. By this time our horses had gone to nibbling grass, as though +there were no such thing as war. We could hear occasional bugle calls +off in the woods in two directions, and knew that our respective +commands had gone off and got lost again, so we concluded to camp there +till morning. After the excitement was over I began to get hungry, and I +asked him if he had anything to eat. He said he had some corn bread and +bacon, and he could get some sweet potatoes over in a field. So I built +a fire there on the track, and he hobbled off after potatoes. Just about +daylight breakfast was served, consisting of coffee, which I carried +in a sack, made in a pot he carried, bacon fried in a half of a tin +canteen, sweet potatoes roasted in the ashes, and Confederate corn +bread, warmed by holding it over the fire on a sharp stick. My friend, +the rebel, sat on my saddle, which I had removed from my horse, after he +had promised me on his honor to help me to put it on when it was time to +mount. He knew how to put on saddles, and I didn t, and as his ankle +was lame I gave him the best seat, he being my guest, that is, he was +my guest if I beat him in the coming game of seven-up, which we were to +play to see if he was my prisoner, or I was his. It being daylight, I +could see him, and study his character, and honestly he was a mighty +fine-looking fellow. As we eat our early breakfast I began to think +that the recruiting officer was more than half right about war being a +picnic. He talked about the newspaper business in the South, and before +breakfast was over we had formed a partnership to publish a paper at +Montgomery, Ala., after the war should be over. I have eaten a great +many first-class meals in my time, have feasted at Delmonico's, and +lived at the best hotels in the land, besides partaking pretty fair food +camping out, where an appetite was worked up by exercise and sporting, +but in all my life I have never had anything taste as good as that +combination Union-Confederate breakfast on the Alabama race track, +beside the judges stand. After the last potato peeling, and the last +crumb of corn bread had been “sopped” in the bacon gravy and eaten, we +whittled some tobacco off a plug, filled our pipes and leaned up against +the fence and smoked the most enjoyable smoke that ever was smoked. +After smoking in silence a few minutes my rebel friend said, as he blew +the smoke from his handsome mouth, “War is not so unpleasant, after +all.” Then we fell to talking about the manner in which the different +generals on each side had conducted things. He went on to show that if +Lee had taken his advice, the Yankees would then be on the run for the +North, and I showed him, by a few well-chosen remarks that if I +could have been close to Grant, and given him some pointers, that the +Confederates would be hunting their holes. We were both convinced that +it was a great mistake that we were nothing but private soldiers, but +felt that it would not be long before we were called to occupy high +places. It seemed to stand to reason that true merit would find its +reward. Then he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and said if I had a +pack of cards we would go up in the judges stand and play seven-up +to see whether I was his prisoner, or he was mine. I wanted to take a +prisoner back to the regiment, at I thought it would make me solid with +the colonel, and I played a strong game of seven-up, but before we got +started to playing he suggested that we call it a stand-off, and agree +that neither of us should be a prisoner, but that when we got ready to +part each should go hunt up his own command, and tell the biggest lie we +could think of as to the fight we had had. That was right into my hand, +and I agreed, and then my friend suggested that we play poker for money. +I consented and he put up Confederate money, against my greenbacks, ten +to one. We played about an hour, and at the close he had won the balance +of my bounty, except what I had given to the chaplain for safe keeping, +and a pair of pants, and a blouse, and a flannel shirt, and a pair of +shoes, which I had on my saddle. I was rather glad to get rid of some +of my extra baggage, and when he put on the clothes he had won from me, +blessed if I wasn t rather proud of him. A man could wear any kind of +clothes in the Confederate army, and my rebel looked real comfortable in +my clothes, and I felt that it was a real kind act to allow him to win +a blue suit that I did not need. If the men of both the armies, and the +people of both sections of the distracted country could have seen us two +soldiers together, there in the judges stand, peacefully playing poker, +while the battles were raging in the East and in the West, that would +have felt that an era of good feeling was about to dawn on the country. +After we had played enough poker, and I had lost everything I had that +was loose, I suggested that he sing a song, so he sung the “Bonnie Blue +Flag.” I did not think it was right for him to work in a rebel song on +me, but it did sound splendid, and I forgot that there was any war, in +listening to the rich voice of my new friend. When he got through he +asked me to sing something. I never _could_ sing, anyway. My folks had +always told me that my voice sounded like a corn sheller, but he urged +me at his own peril, and I sung, or tried to, “We'll Hang Jeff Davis +to a Sour Apple Tree.” I had no designs on Mr. Davis, honestly I hadn't, +and it was the farthest thing from my thoughts to hurt the feelings of +that young man, but before I had finished the first verse he took his +handkerchief out and placed it to his eyes. I stopped and apologized, +but he said not to mind him, as he was better now. He told me, +afterwards, in the strictest confidence, that my singing was the worst +he ever heard, and gave it as his opinion that if Jeff Davis could hear +me sing he would be willing, even anxious, to be hung. If I had been +sensitive about my musical talents, probably there would have been hard +feelings, and possibly bloodshed, right there, but I told him I always +knew I couldn't sing, and he said that I was in luck. Well, we fooled +around there till about ten o'clock in the morning, and decided that we +would part, and each seek our respective commands, so I put some more +horse liniment on his sprained ankle, and he saddled my horse for me, +and after expressions of mutual pleasure at meeting each other, and +promises that after the war we would seek each other out, we mounted, +he gave three cheers for the Yanks, and I gave three cheers for the +Johnnies, he divided his plug of tobacco with me, and I gave him the +bottle of horse liniment, he turned his horse towards the direction his +gray coats had taken the night before, while I turned my horse towards +the hole in the woods our fellows had made, and we left the race track +where we had fought so gamely, eat so heartily, and played poker so +disastrously, to me. As we were each about going into the woods, half +a mile apart, he waved his handkerchief at me, and I waved mine at him, +and we plunged into the forest. + +After riding for an hour or so, alone in the woods, thinking up a good +lie to tell about where I had been, and what I had been doing, I heard +horses neighing, and presently I came upon my regiment, just starting +out to hunt me up. The colonel looked at me and said, “Kill the fat +prodigal, the calf has got back.” + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + I Describe a Deadly Encounter--Am Congratulated as a Warrior + With a Big “W”--The Chaplain Gives Good Advice--I Attend + Surgeon's Call--Castor Oil out of a Dirty Bottle--Back to + the Chaplain's Tent--I am Wounded in the Canteen. + +The last chapter of this history left me facing my regiment, which +had started out to hunt me up, after my terrible fight with that +Confederate. The colonel rode up to me and shook me by the hand, +and congratulated me, and the major and adjutant said they had never +expected to see me alive, and the soldiers looked at me as one returned +from the grave, and from what I could gather by the looks of the boys, +I was something of a hero, even before I had told my story. The colonel +asked me what had become of all the baggage I had on my saddle when I +went away, and I told him that I had thrown ballast over-board all over +the Southern Confederacy, when I was charging the enemy, because I found +my horse drew too much water for a long run. He said something about my +being a Horse-Marine, and sent me back to my company, telling me that +when we got into camp that night he would send for me and I could tell +the story of my capture and escape. I rode back into my company, and you +never saw such a change of sentiment towards a raw recruit, as there +was towards me, and they asked me questions about my first fight. The +corporal who had placed me on picket, and stampeded at the first fire, +was unusually gracious to me, and said when he saw a hundred and fifty +rebels come charging down the road, yelling and firing, he knew it was +no place for his small command, so he lit out. He said he supposed of +course I was shot all to pieces. I didn't tell him that it was me that +did all the yelling, and that there was only one rebel, and that he was +perfectly harmless, but I told him that he miscalculated the number of +the enemy, as there were, all told, at least five hundred, and that I +had killed fourteen that I knew of, besides a number had been taken away +in ambulances, wounded. The boys opened their eyes, and nothing was too +good for me during that march. We went into camp in the pine woods late +in the afternoon, and after supper the colonel sent for me, and I went +to his tent. All the officers were there, and as many soldiers as dared +crowd around. The colonel said the corporal had reported where he left +me, and how the enemy had charged in force, and he supposed that I had +been promptly killed. That he felt that he could not hold his position +against such immense odds, so he had fallen back slowly, firing as he +did so, until the place was too hot for him, and now he wanted to hear +my story. I told the colonel that I was new at the business, and may +be I did not use the best judgment in the world, by remaining to fight +against such odds, but I meant well. I told him I did not wish to +complain of the corporal, who no doubt was an able fighter, but it did +seem to me that he ought at least to have waited till the battle had +actually commenced. I said that the first charge, which stampeded the +corporal and his men, was not a marker to what took place afterwards. I +said when the enemy first appeared, I dismounted, got behind a tree, and +poured a murderous fire into the ranks of the rebels, and that they fell +all around. I could not tell how many were killed, but probably ten, +as I fired eleven shots from, my carbine, and I usually calculated on +missing one out of ten, when shooting at a mark. Then they fell back and +I mounted my horse and rode to their right flank and poured it into them +red hot from my revolver, and that I saw several fall from their horses, +when they stampeded, and I drew my saber and charged them, and after +cutting down several, I was surrounded by the whole rebel army and +captured. They tied me to the wheel of a gun carriage, and after trying +to pump me as to the number of men I had fighting against them, they +left me to hold a council of war, when I untied myself, mounted my +horse, and cut my way out, and took to the woods. I apologized to the +colonel for running away from the enemy, but told him it seemed to me, +after the number I had killed, and the length of time I had held them at +bay, it was no more than right to save my own life, as I had use for it +in my business. During my recital of the lie I had made up, the officers +and soldiers stood around with mouths open, and when I had concluded my +story, there was silence for a moment, when the colonel stepped forward +and took me by the hand, and in a few well chosen remarks congratulated +me on my escape, and thanked me for so valiantly standing my ground +against such fearful odds, and he said I had reflected credit upon my +regiment, and that hereafter I would be classed as a veteran instead of +a recruit. He said he had never known a man to come right from the paths +of peace, and develop into a warrior with a big “W” so short a time. The +other officers congratulated me, and the soldiers said I was a bully boy. +The colonel treated to some commissary whisky, and then the business of +the evening commenced, which I found to be draw poker. I sat around for +some time watching the officers play poker, when the chaplain, who was +a nice little pious man, asked me to step outside the tent, as he wished +to converse with me. I went out into the moonlight with him, and he +took me away from the tents, under a tree, and told me he had been much +interested in my story. I thanked him, and said I had been as brief as +possible. He said, “I was interested, because I used to be something +of a liar myself, before I reformed, and studied for the ministry.” It +occurred to me that possibly the chaplain did not believe my simple +tale, and I asked him if he doubted my story. “That is about the size of +it,” says he. I told him I was sorry I had not told the story in such +a manner that he would believe it, because I valued the opinion of the +chaplain above all others. He said he had known a good many star liars +in his time, some that had national reputations, but he had never +seen one that could hold a candle to me in telling a colossal lie, or +aggregation of lies, and tell them so easy. I thanked him for his good +opinion, and told him that I flattered myself that for a recruit, right +fresh from the people, who had never had any experience as a military +liar, I had done pretty well. He said I certainly had, and he was glad +to make my acquaintance. I asked him to promise not to give it away to +the other officers, which he did, and then I told him the whole story, +as it was, and that I was probably the biggest coward that ever +lived, and that I was only afraid that my story of blood-letting would +encourage the officers to be constantly putting me into places of +danger, which I did not want to be in. I told him I believed this war +could be ended without killing any more men, and cited the fact that I +had been a soldier nearly forty-eight hours, and nobody had been killed, +and the enemy was on the run. I told the chaplain that if there was +one thing I didn't want to see, it was blood. Others might have an +insatiable appetite for gore, but I didn't want any at all. I was +willing to do anything for this government but fight; and if he could +recommend to me any line of action by which I could pull through without +being sent out to do battle with strangers who could shoot well, I +should consider it a favor. What I wanted was a soft job, where there +was no danger. The chaplain looked thoughtful a moment, and then took me +over to his tent, where he opened a bottle of blackberry brandy. He +took a small dose, after placing his hand on his stomach and groaning a +little. He asked me if I did not sometimes have a pain under my vest. I +told him I never had a pain anywhere. Then he said I couldn't have any +brandy. He said the brandy came from the sanitary commsssion, and was +controlled entirely by the chaplains of the different regiments, and the +instructions were to only use it in case of sickness. He said a great +many of the boys had pains regularly, and came to him for relief. He +smacked his lips and said if I felt any pain coming on, to help myself +to the brandy. It is singular how a pain will sometimes come on when +you least expect it. It was not a minute before I began to feel a small +pain, not bigger than a man's hand, and as I looked at the bottle the +pain increased, and I had to tell the chaplain that I must have relief +before it was everlastingly too late, so he poured out a dose of brandy +for me. I could see that I was becoming a veteran very fast, as I could +work the chaplain for sanitary stores pretty early in the game. Well, +the chaplain and me had pains off and on, for an hour or two, and became +good friends. He told me of quite a number of methods of shirking active +duty, such as being detailed to take care of baggage, acting as orderly, +and going to surgeon's call. He said if a man went to surgeon's call, +the doctor would report him sick, and he could not be sent out on duty. +The next day we went back to our post, where the regiment was stationed, +and where they had barracks, that they wintered in, and remained there +several weeks, drilling. I was drilled in mounting and dismounting, +and soon got so I could mount a horse without climbing on to him from a +fence. But the drill became irksome, and I decided to try the chaplain's +suggestion about going to surgeon's call. I got in line with about +twenty other soldiers, and we marched over to the surgeon's quarters. I +supposed the doctor would take each soldier into a private room, feel of +his pulse, look at his tongue, and say that what he needed was rest, and +give him some powders to be taken in wafers, or in sugar. But all he did +was to say “What's the matter?” and the sick man would tell him, when +the doctor would tell his assistant to give the man something, and pass +on to the next. I was the last one to be served, and the interview was +about as follows: + +Doc.--What's the matter? + +Me--Bilious. + +Doc.--Run out your tongue. Take a swallow out of the black bottle. + +That seems very simple, indeed, but it nearly killed me. When he told me +to run out my tongue, I run out perhaps six inches of the lower end of +it, the doctor glanced at it as though it was nothing to him anyway, and +then he told me to take a swallow out of the bottle. In all my life I +had never taken four doses of medicine, and when I did the medicine was +disguised in preserves or something. The hospital steward handed me the +bottle that a dozen other sick soldiers had drank out of, and it was +sticky all around the top, and contained something that looked like +castor oil, for greasing a buggy. He told me to take a good big swallow, +and I tried to do so. Talk about the suffering brought on by the war, it +seems to me nobody ever suffered as I did, trying to drink a swallow +of that castor oil out of a two quart bottle, that was dirty. It run so +slow that it seemed, an age before I got enough to swallow, and then it +seemed another age before the oil could pass a given point in my neck. +And great Caesar's ghost how it _did_ taste. I think it went down my +neck, and I just had strength enough to ask the steward to give me +something to take the taste out of my mouth. He handed me a blue pill. +O, I could have killed him. I rushed to the chaplain's tent and took a +drink of blackberry brandy, and my life was saved, but for three years +after that I was never sick enough to get farther than the chaplain's +quarters. + +[Illustration: Great Caesar's ghost how it did taste 049] + +I suppose the meanest trick that was ever played on a raw recruit, was +played on me while we were in camp at that place. It seemed to me +that some of the boys got jealous of me, because I had become a hero, +accidentally. May be some of them did not believe I had killed as many +of the enemy as I had owned up to having killed. Anyway every little +while some soldier would say that he thought it was a mean man that +would go out and kill a lot of rebels and not bury them. He said a man +that would do that was a regular pot-hunter, who killed game and left it +on the ground to spoil. They made lots of such uncharitable remarks, but +I did not pay much attention to to them. I had a tent-mate who took a +great interest in me, and he said no soldier's life was safe who did not +wear a breast-plate, and he asked me if I did not bring any breast-plate +with me. I told him I never heard of a breastplate, and asked him what +it was. He said it was a vest made of the finest spring steel, that +could be worn under the clothes, which was so strong that a bullet could +not penetrate it. He supposed of course I had one, when he heard of the +fight I had, and said none of the old boys would go into a fight without +one, as it covered the vital parts, and saved many a life. I bit like +a bass. If there was anything I wanted more than a discharge, it was a +breast-plate. If the chaplain should succeed in getting me a soft job, +where there was no danger, I could get along without my breast-plate, +but there was no sure thing about the chaplain, so I asked the soldier +where I could get a breastplate. He said the quartermaster used to issue +them, but he didn't have any on hand now, but he said he knew where +there was one that once belonged to a soldier who was killed, and he +thought he could get it for me. I asked him how it happened that the +soldier was killed, when he had a breast-plate, and he told me the +man was killed by eating green peaches. Of course I couldn't expect a +breastplate to save me from the effects of eating unripe fruit, and +I felt that if it would save me from bullets it would be worth all it +cost, so I told the soldier to get it for me. That evening he brought it +around, and he helped me put it on. I learned afterwards that it was an +old breast-plate that an officer had brought to the regiment when the +war broke out, and that it had been played on raw recruits for two +years. After I had got it on, the soldier suggested that we go out with +several other dare devils, and run the guard and go down town and play +billiards, and have a jolly time. I asked him if the guard would not +shoot at us, and he said the guards would be all right, and if they did +shoot they would shoot at the breast-plates, as all the boys had them +on. So about six of us sneaked through the guards, went to town and had +a big time, and came back along towards morning, each with a canteen of +whisky. It was not easy getting back inside the lines, as the moon was +shining, but we got by the guards, and then my friends suggested that we +take our breast-plates off and put them on behind us, as the guards, if +they shot at all, would be firing in our rear. I took mine off and put +it on behind my pants, and just then somebody fired a gun, and the boys +said “run,” and I started ahead, and the firing continued, and about +every jump I could hear and feel something striking my breast-plate +behind, which seemed to me to be bullets, and I was glad I had the +breast-plate on, though afterwards I found that the boys behind me were +firing off their revolvers in the air, and throwing small stones at my +breast-plate. Presently a bullet, as I supposed, struck me in the back +above the breast-plate, and I could feel blood trickling down my back, +and I knew I was wounded. O, I hankered for gore, before enlisting, and +while editing a paper, and now I had got it, got gore till I couldn't +rest. The blood run down my side, down my leg, into my boot, and I could +feel I was wading in my own blood. And great heaven's, how it did smell. +I had never smelled blood before, that I knew of, and I thought it had +the most peculiar, pungent, intoxicating odor. I ran towards my quarters +as fast as possible, fainting almost, from imaginary loss of blood, and +finally rushed into my tent, threw myself on my bunk and called loudly +for the doctor and chaplain, and then I fainted. When I came to I was +surrounded by the doctor, and a lot of the boys, all laughing, and +the chaplain was trying to say something pious, while trying to keep +a straight face. “Have you succeeded in staunching the blood, doc?” I +asked, in a trembling voice. He said the blood was quite staunch, but +the whisky could never be saved. I did not know what he meant, and I +turned to the chaplain and asked him if he wouldn't be kind enough to +say something appropriate to the occasion. I told him I had been a bad +man, had lied some, as he well knew, and had been guilty of things that +would bar me out of the angel choir, but that if he had any influence at +the throne of grace, and could manage to sneak me in under the canvass +anyway, he could have the balance of my bounty, and all the pay that +might be coming to me. The chaplain held up the breast-plate that had +been removed by kind hands, from the back portion of my person, and said +I had better take that along with me, as it would be handy to wear +when I wanted to stand with my back to the fire in hades. I could not +understand why the good man should joke me, on my death bed, and I +rolled over with my back to the wall, to weep, unobserved, and I felt +the blood sticking to my clothes and person, and I asked the doctor why +he did not dress my wound. He said he should have to send the wound +to the tin-shop to be dressed, and then they all laughed. This made me +indignant, and I turned over and faced the crowd, and asked them if they +had no hearts, that they could thus mock at a dying man. The doctor held +up my canteen with a hole in it, made by a stone thrown by one of my +companions, and said, “You d----d fool, you are not wounded. Somebody +busted your canteen, and the whiskey run down your leg and into your +boot, and you, like an idiot, thought it was your life blood ebbing +away. Couldn't you tell that it was whiskey by the smell?” I felt of +myself, where I thought I was wounded, and couldn't find any hole, and +then I took off my boot, and emptied the whisky out, and felt stronger, +and finally I got up, and the boys went away laughing at me, leaving the +chaplain, who was kind enough to tell me that of all the raw recruits +that had ever come to the regiment, he thought I was the biggest idiot +of the lot, to let the boys play that ancient breast-plate and canteen +joke on me. I asked him if the boys didn't all wear breast-plates, and +he said “naw!” He told me that was the only breast-plate in the whole +Department of the Gulf, and it was kept to play on recruits, and that I +must keep it until a new recruit came that was green enough to allow the +boys to do him up. So I hid the breast-plate under my bunk, and went +to bed and tried to dream out some method of getting even with my +persecutors, while the chaplain went out, after offering to hold himself +in readiness, day or night, to come and pray for me, if I was wounded in +the canteen any more. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + I Yearn for a Furlough--I Interview the General--I am + Detailed to Carry a Rail--I Make a Horse-trade With the + Chaplain--I am Put in Charge of a Funeral. + +I had now been fighting the battles of my country for two weeks, and +felt that I needed rest, and one day I became so homesick that it _did_ +seem as though it would kill me. Including the week it had taken me +to get from home to my regiment, three weeks had elapsed since I bid +good-bye to my friends, and I wanted to go home. I would lay awake +nights and think of people at home and wonder what they were doing, and +if they were laying awake nights thinking of me, or caring whether I was +alive, or buried in the swamps of the South. It was about the time of +year when at home we always went off shooting, and I thought how much +better it was to go off shooting ducks and geese, and chickens, that +could not shoot back, than to be hunting bloodthirsty Confederates that +were just as liable to hunt us, and who could kill, with great ease. I +thought of a pup I had at home that was just the right age to train, and +that he would be spoiled if he was not trained that season. O, how I +did want to train that pup. The news that one of my comrades had been +granted a furlough, after three years' service, and that he was going +home, made me desperate, and I dreamed that I had waylaid and murdered +the fortunate soldier, and gone home on his furlough. The idea of +getting a furlough was the one idea in my mind, and the next morning as +I took my horse to the veterinary surgeon for treatment,{*} I had a talk +with the horse doctor about the possibilities of getting a furlough. +I had known him before the war, when he kept a livery stable, and as I +owed him a small livery bill, I thought he would give it to me straight. +The horse doctor had his sleeves rolled up, and was holding a horse's +tongue in one hand while he poured some medicine down the animal's +throat out of a bottle with the other hand, which made me sorry for the +horse, as I remembered my experience at surgeon's call, in drinking a +dose of castor oil out of a bottle, and I was mean-enough to be glad +they played it on horses as well as the soldiers. The horse doctor +returned the horse's tongue to it's mouth, kicked the animal in the +ribs, turned and wiped his hands on a bale of hay, and said: + +“Well, George, to get a furlough a man has got to have plenty of gall, +especially a man who has only been to the front a couple of weeks. There +is no use making an application in the regular way, to your captain, +have him endorse it and send it to regimental headquarters, and so on to +brigade headquarters, because you would never hear of it again. My idea +would be for you to go right to the general commanding the division, and +tell him you have got to go home. But you mustn't go crawling to him, +and whining. He is a quick-tempered man, and he hates a coward. Go +to him and talk familiar with him, and act as though you had always +associated with him, and slap him on the shoulder, and make yourself at +home. Just make up a good, plausible story, and give it to him, and if +he seems irritated, give him to understand that he can t frighten you, +and just as likely as not he will give you a furlough. I don't say he +will, mind you, but it would be just like him. But he does like to be +treated familiar like, by the boys.” + + * I neglected to say, in my account of the battle at the + race-track, that when firing with my revolver, at my friend + the rebel, I put one bullet-hole through the right ear of my + horse. I was so excited at the time that I did not know it, + and only discovered it a week later when currying off my + horse, which I made a practice of doing once a week, with a + piece of barrel-stave, when I noticed the horse's ear was + swelled up about as big as a canvas ham. I took him to the + horse doctor, who reduced the swelling so we could find the + hole through the horse's ear, and the horse doctor tied a + blue ribbon in the hole. He said the blue ribbon would help + heal the sore, but later I found that he had put the ribbon + in the ear to call attention to my poor marksmanship, and + the boys got so they made comments and laughed at me every + time I appeared with the horse. + +I thanked the horse doctor and went away with my horse, resolved to have +a furlough or know the reason why. The general's headquarters were about +half a mile from our camp, and after drill that morning I went to see +him. I had seen him several times, at the colonel's headquarters, and +he always seemed mad about something, and I had thought he was about the +crossest looking man I ever saw, but if there was any truth in what the +horse doctor had told me, he was easily reached if a man went at him +right, and I resolved that if pure, unadulterated cheek and monumental +gall would accomplish anything, I would have a furlough before night, +for a homesicker man never lived than I was. I went up to the general's +tent and a guard halted me and asked me what I wanted, and I said I +wanted to see “his nibs,” and I walked right by the guard, who seemed +stunned by my cheek. I saw the general in his tent, with his coat +off, writing, and he _did_ look savage. Without taking off my hat, or +saluting him, I went right up to him and sat down on the end of a trunk +that was in the tent, and with a tremendous effort to look familiar, I +said: + +“Hello, Boss, writing to your girl?” + +I have seen a good many men in my time who were pretty mad, but I have +never seen a man who appeared to be as mad as the general did. He was +a regular army officer, I found afterwards, and hated a volunteer as he +did poison. He turned red in the face and pale, and I thought he frothed +at the mouth, but may be he didn't. He seemed to try to control himself, +and said through his clenched teeth, in a sarcastic manner, I thought, +in imitation of a ring master in a circus: + +“What will the little lady have next?” + +I had been in circuses myself, and when the general said that I answered +the same as a clown always does, and I said: + +“The banners, my lord.” + +I thought he would be pleased at my joking with him, but he looked +around as though he was seeking a revolver or a saber with which to kill +me finnally he said: + +“What do you want, man?” + +It was a little tough to be called plain “man,” but I swallowed it. I +made up my mind it was time to act, so I stood up, put my hand on the +shoulder of the general familiarly, and said: + +“The fact is, old man, I want a furlough to go home. I have got business +that demands my attention; I am sick of this inactivity in camp, and +besides the shooting season is just coming on at home, and I have got a +setter pup that will be spoiled if he is not trained this season. I came +down here two weeks ago, to help put down the rebellion; but all we +have done since I got here is to monkey around drilling and cleaning off +horses, while the officers play poker for red chips. Let me go home +till the poker season is over, and I will be back in time for the fall +fighting. What do you say, old apoplexy. Can I go?” + +[Illustration: Never did know, how I got out of the general's tent 059] + +I do not now, and never did know, how I got out of the general's tent, +whether he kicked me out, or threw his trunk at me, or whether there was +an explosion, but when I got outside there were two soldiers trying to +untangle me from the guy ropes of the general's tent, his wash basin and +pail of water were tipped over, and a cord that was strung outside +with a lot of uniforms, shirts, sabers, etc., had fallen down, and the +general was walking up and down his tent in an excited manner, calling +me an escaped lunatic, and telling the guards to tie me up by +the thumbs, and buck and gag me. They led me away, and from their +conversation I concluded I had committed an unpardonable offense, and +would probably be hung, though I couldn't see as I had done much more +than the horse doctor told me to. Finally the officer of the day came +along and told the guards to get a rail and make me carry it. So they +got a rail and put it on my shoulder, and I carried it up and down the +camp, as a punishment for insulting the general. I thought they picked +out a pretty heavy rail, but I carried it the best I could for an hour, +when I threw it down and told the guards I didn't enlist to carry rails. +If the putting down of this rebellion depended on carrying fence rails +around the Southern Confederacy, and I had to carry the rails, the +aforesaid rebellion never would be put down. I said I would fight if I +had to, and be a hostler, and cook my own food, and sleep on the ground, +and try to earn my thirteen dollars a month, but there must be a line +drawn somewhere, and I drew it at transporting fences around the sunny +South. The guards were inclined to laugh at my determination, but they +said I could carry the rail or be tied up by the thumbs; and I said +they could go ahead, but if they hurt me I would bring suit against +the government. They were fixing to tie me up when the colonel of my +regiment rode up to see the general, and he got the guards to let up +on me till he could see the general. The general sent for me after the +colonel had talked with him, and they called me in and asked me how +I happened to be so fresh with the general; and I told them about the +horse doctors' advice as to how to get a furlough; and then they both +laughed, and said I owed the horse doctor one, and I must get even with +him. The colonel told the general who I was, that he had known me before +the war, and that I was all right only a little green, and that the boys +were having fun with me. The colonel told the general about my first +fight the first day of my service, and how I had, single-handed, put to +flight a large number of rebels, and the general got up and shook hands +with me, and said he forgave me for my impertinence, and gave me some +advice about letting the boys play it on me, and said I might go back +to my company. He was all smiles, and insisted on my taking a drink with +himself and the colonel. When I was about leaving his tent, I turned +to him and said: “Then I don't get any furlough?” “Not till the cruel +war is over,” said the general, with a laugh, and I went away. + +The guards treated me like a gentleman when they saw me taking a drink +with the general, and I went back to my regiment, resolved not to go +home, and to get even with the horse doctor for causing me to make a +fool of myself. However, I was glad I visited the general, for, after +getting acquainted with him, he seemed a real nice man, and he kept a +better article of liquor than the chaplain. + +For several days nothing occurred that was worthy of note, except that +the chaplain took a liking to my horse, and wanted to trade a mule for +him. I never did like a mule, and didn't really want to trade, but the +chaplain argued his case so eloquently that I was half persuaded. He +said the horse I rode, from its friskiness, and natural desire to “get +there, Eli!” would eventually get me killed, for if I ever got in sight +of the enemy the horse would rush to the front, and I couldn't hold him. +He said he didn't want to have me killed, and with the mule there would +be no danger, as the mule knew enough to keep away from a fight. The +chaplain said he had always rode a mule, because he thought the natural +solemnity of a mule was in better keeping with a pious man, but lately +he had begun to go into society some, in the town near where we were +camped, and sometimes had to preach to different regiments, so he +thought he ought to have a horse that put on a little more style, and +as he knew I wanted an animal that would keep as far from the foe as +possible, and not lose its head and go chasing around after rebels, and +running me into danger, as my spiritual adviser he would recommend the +mule to me. He warranted the mule sound in every particular, and as a +mule was worth more than a horse he would trade with me for ten dollars +to boot. He said there was not another man in the regiment he would +trade with on such terms, but he had taken a liking to me, and would +part with his mule to me, though it broke his heart. At home there was +a sentiment against trading horses with a minister, as men who did so +always got beat, but I thought it would be an insult to the chaplain +to refuse to trade, when he seemed to be working for my interests, to +prevent me from being killed in a fight by the actions of my horse, so I +concluded to trade, though it seemed to me that if I couldn't shoot off +a horse without hitting its ears, I would fill a mule's ears full of +bullets. I spoke to the chaplain about that, and he said there was no +danger, because whenever fighting commenced the mule always wore his +ears lopped down below the line of fire. He said the mule had been +trained to that, and I would find him a great comfort in time of trial, +and a sympathizing companion always, one that I would become attached +to. I told him there was one thing I wanted to know, and that was if the +mule would kick. I had always been prejudiced against mules because +they kicked. He said he knew mules had been traduced, and that their +reputations were not good, but he believed this mule was as free from +the habit of kicking as any mule he had ever met. He said he would not +deny that this mule could kick, and in fact he had kicked a little, but +he would warrant the mule not to kick unless something unusual happened. +He said I wouldn't want a mule that had no individuality at all, one +that hadn't sand enough to protect itself. What I wanted, the chaplain +said, was a mule that would treat everybody right, but that would, if +imposed upon, stand up for its rights and kick. I told the chaplain that +was about the kind of mule I wanted, if I had any mule at all, and we +traded. The chaplain rode off to town on my horse, on a canter, as proud +as a peacock, while I climbed on to the solemn, lop-eared mule and went +out to drill with my company. I do not know what it was that went wrong +with the mule while we were drilling, but as we were wheeling in company +front, the mule began to “assert his individuality,” as the chaplain +said he probably would, and he whirled around sideways and kicked three +soldiers off their horses; then he backed up the other way and broke +up the second platoon, kicked four horses in the ribs, stampeded the +company, and stood there alone kicking at the air. The major rode down +to where I was and began to swear at me, but I told him I couldn't +help it. He told me to dismount and lead the mule away, but I couldn't +dismount until the mule stopped kicking, and he seemed to be wound up +for all day. The major got too near and the mule kicked him on the +shin, and then started for the company again, which had got into ranks, +kicking all the way, and the company broke ranks and started for camp, +the mule following, kicking and braying all the way. I never was so +helpless in all my life. The more I spurred the mule, the more it +kicked, and if I stopped spurring it, it kicked worse. When we got to +camp, I fell off some way, and rushed into the chaplain's tent, and the +mule kicked the tent down, and some boys drove the mule away, and while +I was fixing up the tent the chaplain came back looking happy, and asked +me how I liked the mule. I never was a hypocrite, anyway, and I was mad, +so I said: “Oh, dam that mule!” + +Of course it is wrong to use such language, especially in the presence +of a minister, but I couldn't help it. I could see it hurt the chaplain, +for he sighed and said he was sorry to hear such words from me, inasmuch +as he had just got me detailed as his clerk, where I would have a soft +thing, and no drilling or fighting. He said he had wanted a clerk, one +who was a good-hearted, true man, and he had picked me out, but if I +used such language, that settled it. He said he didn't expect to find a +private soldier that was as pious as he was, but he did think I would +be the best man he could find. I wanted a soft job, with no fighting, as +bad as any man ever did, and I told the chaplain that he need not fear +as to my swearing again, as it was foreign to my nature, but I told him +if he had been on the hurricane deck of a kicking mule for an hour, and +seen comrades fall one by one, and bite the dust, and be carried on with +marks of mule shoes all over their persons, he would swear, and I would +bet on it. So it was arranged that I was to be the chaplain's clerk, and +I moved my outfit over to his tent, and for the first time since I had +been a soldier, I was perfectly happy. There was no danger of being +detached for guard duty, police duty, drilling, or fighting, and the +only boss I had was the chaplain. The chaplain and myself sat that +evening in his tent, and ate sanitary stores, drank wine for sickess, +and smoked pipes, and didn't care whether school kept or not, and that +night I slept on a cot, and had the first good night's rest, and in the +morning I awoke refreshed, and with no fear of orderly sergeants, or +anybody. I had a soft snap. + +The next morning I asked the chaplain what my duties were to be, and +he said I was to take care of the tent, write letters for him, issue +sanitary stores to deserving soldiers who might need them, ride with him +sometimes when he went to town, or to preach, go to funerals with him +occasionally, set a good example to the other soldiers, and make myself +generally useful. He said I would have to attend to the burial of the +colored people who died, and any such little simple details. He went out +and left me pondering over my duties. I liked it all except the nigger +funerals. I had always been a Democrat, at home, and not very much +mashed on our colored brothers, and one thing that prevented me from +enlisting before I did was the idea of making the colored men free. I +had nothing against a colored man, and got to think a great deal of them +afterwards, but the idea of acting as an undertaker for the colored +race never occurred to me. I made up my mind to kick on that part of the +duties, when the chaplain came in and said the colored cook of one of +the companies was dead, and would be buried that afternoon, and as he +had to go to a meeting of chaplains down town, I would have to go and +conduct the services, and I better prepare myself with a little speech. +I was in a fix. I told the chaplain that it might not have occurred +to him, but honestly, I couldn't pray. He said that didn't make any +difference. I told him I couldn't preach hardly at all. He said I didn't +need to. All I had to do was to go and find out something about the life +of the deceased, what kind of a man he was, and say a few words at the +grave complimentary of him, console the mourners, if there were any, and +counsel them to try to lead a different life, that they might eventually +enter into the glory of the New Jerusalem, or words to that effect. +Well, this made me perspire. This was a tighter place than I was in when +I met the rebel. The idea of my conducting the funeral exercises of +such a black-burying party, made me tired. The chaplain said a good deal +depended on how I got through this first case, as if I succeeded well, +it would be a great feather in my cap. His idea, he said, was to try me +first on a nigger, and if I was up to snuff, and carried myself like a +thoroughbred, there would be nothing too good for me in that regiment. + +I went to the orderly sergeant of the company where the man died, to +get some points as to his career, in order to work in a few remarks +appropriate to the occasion, and I said to the orderly: + +“I understand your company cook has gone to that bourne from whence no +traveler returns. I thought that was pretty good for a green hand, for a +starter.” + +“Yes,” said the orderly, as he looked solemn, “The old son-of-a-gun has +passed in his chips, and is now walking in green pastures, beside still +waters, but he will not drink any of the aforesaid still waters, if he +can steal any whisky to drink.” + +“You astonish, me,” said I to the orderly. “The fact is, the chaplain +has sawed off on to me the duty of seeing to the burial of our deceased +friend, and I called to gather some few facts as to his characteristics +as a man and a brother. Can you tell me of anything that would interest +those who may attend?” + +“O, I don't know,” said the orderly. “The deceased was a liar, a thief, +and a drunkard. He would steal anything that was not chained down. He +would murder a man for a dollar. He was the worst nigger that ever was. +If there was a medical college here that wanted bodies, it would be a +waste of money to bury him. But when he was sober he could bake beans +for all that was out, and there was no man that could boil corned mule +so as to take the taste of the saltpetre out, as he could.” + +This was not a very good send off for my first funeral, but I clung to +the good qualities possessed by the late lamented. Though he might have +been a bad man, all was not lost if he could bake beans well, and boil +the salt horse or corned mule that soldiers had to eat, so they were +appetizing. Many truly good men of national reputation, could not have +excelled him in his chosen specialties, and I made a memorandum of that +for future use. I made further inquiries in the company, and found that +the deceased had a bad reputation, owed everybody, had five wives living +that he had deserted, and was suspected of having murdered two or three +colored men for their money. His death was caused by delirium tremens. +He had stole a jug of whisky from the major's tent, laid drunk a week, +and when the whisky was gone he had tremens, and had gone to the horse +doctor for something to quiet his nerves, and the horse doctor had given +him a condition powder to take, to be followed with a swallow of mustang +liniment, and the man died. + +This was the information I got to use in my remarks at the grave of the +deceased, and I went back to my tent to think it over. I thought perhaps +I had better work in the horse doctor for mal-practice, in my discourse, +and thus get even with him for sending me to the general after a +furlough. While I was thinking over the things I would say, and trying +to forget the bad things about the man, the orderly sent word that the +funeral cortege was ready to proceed to the bone yard. I looked down the +company street and saw the remains being lifted into a cart, and I went +out and put the saddle on my mule, and with a mental prayer that the +confounded mule wouldn't get to kicking till the funeral was over, +started to do the honors at the grave of the late company cook. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + The Funeral of the Colored Cook--I Plead for a Larger + Procession--The Funeral Oration--The Funeral Disturbed--I am + Arrested--My Fortunate Escape. + +This last chapter of these celebrated war papers closed with me saddling +my mule to ride to the funeral of the colored cook, at which I was to +act as chaplain. The mule evidently knew that it was a solemn occasion, +for there was a mournful look on its otherwise placid face, the ears +drooped more than usual, and there seemed a sweet peace stealing over +the animal, which well became a funeral, until I began to buckle up the +saddle, when the long-eared brute began to paw and kick and bite, and it +took six men to get me into the saddle. I rode down the company street +where the cart stood with the remains, and a colored driver sitting on +the foot of the plain pine box, asleep. I woke the driver up with the +point of my saber, when another colored man came out of a tent with a +shovel in one hand, and a hardtack with a piece of bacon in the other. +He climbed into the cart, sat down on the coffin and began to eat his +dinner. This was my funeral. All that seemed necessary for a funeral was +a corpse, a driver of a cart, and a man with a shovel. I rode up to the +orderly's tent and asked him where the mourners were, and he laughed at +me. The idea of mourners seemed to be ridiculous. I had never, in all my +life, seen so slim a funeral, and it hurt me. In the meantime the nigger +with the shovel had woke up the driver of the cart, and he had followed +me, with the remains. I told them to halt the funeral right there, until +I could skirmish around and pick up mourners enough for a mess, and +a choir, and some bearers. As I rode away to the colonel's tent, +the driver of the cart and the man with the shovel were playing +“mumbleypeg,” with a jack-knife, on the coffin, which shocked me very +much, as I was accustomed to living where more respect was paid to the +dead. I went to the colonel's tent and yelled “Say! The colonel, who was +changing his shirt, came to the door with his eyes full of soap, rubbing +his neck with a towel, and asked what was the row. I told him I would +like to have him detail me six bearers, seven or eight mourners, a few +singers, and fifteen or twenty men for a congregation. He asked me what +on earth I was talking about, and just then the cart with the corpse +in was driven up to where I was, the orderly having told the driver to +follow me with the late lamented. I pointed to the outfit, and said: + +“Colonel, in that box lie the remains of a colored cook. The chaplain +has appointed me to conduct the funeral service, and I find that the two +colored men on the cart are the only ones to accompany the remains to +their last resting place. No man can successfully run a funeral on three +niggers, one of whom is dead, one liable to go to sleep any minute, and +the other with an abnormal appetite for hardtack. It is a disgrace +to civilization to give a dead man such a send off, and I want you to +detail me some men to see me through. I have loaded myself with some +interesting remarks befitting the occasion, and I do not want to fire +them off into space, with no audience except these two coons. Give me +some mourners and things, or I drop this funeral right where it is.” + +While I was speaking the general rode up to visit with the colonel, +with his staff, and the colonel came out with his undershirt on, and his +suspenders hanging down, and he and the general consulted for a minute, +and laughed a little, which I thought was disgraceful. Then the colonel +sent for the sergeant-major and told, him to detail all the company +cooks and officer's servants, to attend the funeral with me, and he said +I could divide them off into reliefs, letting a few be mourners at a +time. In the meantime, he said, I could move my procession off down +by the horse-doctor's quarter's, as he did not want it in front of his +tent. That reminded me that the horse-doctor had prescribed for the +deceased, and had given him condition powders, and I asked the colonel +to compel the horse-doctor to go with me. It had always seemed to me at +home that the attending physician, under whose auspices the person died, +should attend the funeral of his patient, and when I told the colonel +about it, he called the horse-doctor and told him he would have to +go. It took half an hour or so to get the colored cooks and servants +together, but when all was ready to move, it was quite a respectable +funeral, except that I could not help noticing a spirit of levity on +the part of the mourners. All the followers were mounted, the officer's +servant's on officer's horses, and the cooks on mules, and it required +all the presence of mind I possessed to keep the coons from turning the +sad occasion into a horse race, as they would drop back, in squads, a +quarter of a mile or so, and then come whooping up to the cart containing +the remains, and each vowing that his horse could clean out the others. +I rode in front of the remains with the horse-doctor, and tried to +conduct myself in as solemn a manner as befitted the occasion, and tried +to reason with the horse-doctor against his unseemly jokes, which he was +constantly getting on. He told several stories, better calculated for a +gathering where bacchanalian revelry was the custom, and I told him that +while I respected his calling, he must respect mine. He said something +about calling a man on a full hand, against a flush, but I did not +pretend to know what he meant. We had to go out of town about two +miles, to the cemetery. Unfortunately we were in the watermelon growing +section, and the horse-doctor called my attention to the fact that my +procession was becoming scarce, when I looked around, and every blessed +one of the cooks and servants, and the man with the shovel, had gone on +into the field after melons, and I stopped the cart and yelled to them +to come back to the funeral. Pretty soon they all rode back, each with +a melon under his arm, and every face looked as though there was no +funeral that could prevent a nigger from stealing a watermelon. After +several stops, to round up my mourners, from corn fields and horse +racing, we arrived at the cemetery, and while the grave was being dug +the niggers went for the melons, and if it had been a picnic there +couldn't have been much more enjoyment. The horse-doctor took out a big +knife that he used to bleed horses, and cut a melon, and offered me a +slice, and while I did not feel that it was just the place to indulge +in melon, it looked so good that I ate some, with a mental reservation, +however. It was all a new experience to me. I had never believed that +in the presence of death, or at a funeral, people could be anything but +decorous and solemn. I had never attended a funeral before, except where +all present were friends of the deceased, and sorry, but here all seemed +different. They all seemed to look upon the thing as a good joke. I +had read that in New York and other large cities, those who attended +funerals had a horse race on the way back, and stopped at beer saloons +and filled up, but I never believed that people could be so depraved. I +tried to talk to the coons, and get them to show proper respect for the +occasion, but they laughed and threw melon rinds at each other. Finnally +the colonel and the general, with quite a lot of soldiers, who were +out reconnoitering, rode to where we were, and the coons acted a little +better, but I could see that the officers were not particularly solemn. +They seemed to expect something rich. They evidently looked upon me as +a star idiot, who would make some blunder, or say something to make them +laugh: I made up my mind that in my new position I would act just as +decorous, and speak as kindly as though the deceased was the president. +During all my life I had made it a practice never to speak ill of any +person on earth, and if I could not say a good word for a person I would +say nothing, a practice which I have kept up until this writing, with +much success, and I decided that the words spoken on that occasion +should not reflect against the poor man who had passed in his checks, +and laid down the burden of life. The grave was completed, and with a +couple of picket ropes the body was let down, and there was for a moment +a sort of solemnity. I arose, and as near as I can remember at this late +day, spoke about as follows: + +[Illustration: A solemn funeral oration 077] + +“Friends: We have met here today to conduct the last rites over a man, +who but yesterday was among us but who, in an unguarded moment drank too +much whisky, and paid the penalty. (There was a smile perceptible on +the faces on the officers.) The ignorant man who died, did not know any +better, but I see around me men who know better, but who drink more than +this man did, and if they are not careful they will go the same way. +(There was less smiling among the officers.) It is said of this man that +he was bad, that he would steal. I have investigated, and have found +that it is true, but that his peculations consisted of small things, of +little value, and I am convinced that the habit was not worse with him +than with any of us. In war times, everybody steals. We are all thieves +to a certain extent. The soldier will not go hungry if he can jay-hawk +anything to eat. The officer will not go thirsty if he can capture +whisky, nor will anybody walk if he can steal a horse. The higher a man +gets the more he will steal. Shall we harbor unkind thoughts against +this dead man for stealing a pair of boots, and honor a general who +steals a thousand bales of cotton? (No! no! shouted the cooks and +servants, while the officers looked as though they were sorry they +attended the funeral.) Friends let us look at the good qualities of our +friend. I say, without fear of successful contradiction, that a man, +however humble his station, who can bake beans as well as the remains +could bake them, is entitled to a warm place in the heart of every +soldier, and if he goes to the land that is fairer than this,-and who +can say that he will not,--he is liable to be welcomed with 'well done, +good and faithful servant,' and he will be received where horse doctors +can never enter with their condition powders, and where there will never +be war any more. To his family, or several families, as the case may be, +I would say----” + +At this point I had noticed an uneasiness on the part of my mourners and +bearers, as well as the officers. Nine of the negroes fell down on the +ground and groaned as if in pain, and the general and his stall looked +off to a piece of woods where a few shots had been fired, and rode away +hurriedly, the colonel telling me I had better hurry up that funeral or +it was liable to be interrupted. The horse-doctor went to the negroes +who were sick, and after examining them he said they had been poisoned +by eating melons that had been doctored, and he advised them to get to +town as quick as possible. They scrambled on their horses the best way +they could, and just then there was a yell, and out of the woods came +half a dozen Union soldiers followed by fifteen or twenty Confederates, +and all was confusion. The niggers scattered towards town, the driver of +the cart taking the lead, trying to catch the general and his start, who +were hurrying away, leaving the horse-doctor, myself and the deceased. +The horse-doctor seized the shovel and threw a little dirt on the +coffin, then mounted his horse, I mounted my mule, and away we went +towards town, with the rebels gaining on us every jump. The horse-doctor +soon left me, and with a picket I had pulled off the fence of the +cemetery, I worked my passage on that mule. I mauled the mule, and the +more I pounded the slower it went. There was never a more deliberate +mule in the world. I forgot all the solemn thoughts that possessed me +at the grave, and tried to talk to the mule like a mule-driver, but +the animal just fooled along, as though there was no especial hurry. +Occasionally I could hear bullets 'zipping' along by me, and the rebels +were yelling for all that was out. O, how I did wish I had my old race +horse that the chaplain had beat me out of. In my first engagement my +horse was too fast, and there was danger that I would catch my friend, +the rebel, and I complained of the horse. Now I had a mule that was +too slow. What I wanted was a 'middling' horse, one that was not too +confounded fast when after the enemy, and one not so all-fired slow when +being pursued. The Johnnies were coming closer, but we were only half +a mile from town. Would they chase us clear into town? At that critical +moment the blasted mule stopped short, never to go again, and began to +kick. What on earth possessed that fool mule to take a notion to stop +right there and kick, is more than I shall ever know, but it simply +kicked, and I felt that my time had come. The Union soldiers that were +being chased by the Confederates passed me, and told me I better light +out or I would be captured, but I couldn't get the mule to budge an +inch. It just kicked. The good Lord only knows, what that mule was +kicking at, or why it should have been scheduled to stop and kick at +that particular time, when every minute was precious. I saw the rebels +very near me, and as it was impossible to get the mule to go a step +farther, I raised the large, flat, white-washed picket which I had torn +on the cemetery fence to maul the mule with, in token of surrender, and +the Confederate boys surrounded me, though they kept a safe distance, +after my mule had kicked in the ribs of one of their horses. The rebs +had gone about as far towards the town as it was safe to go, and and +they knew the whole garrison would be out after them pretty soon, so +they laughed at me for being armed with a whitewashed picket, and asked +me if I expected to put down the rebellion by stabbing the enemy with +such things. I told them I had been burying a nigger. One of my captors +run the point of his saber into my mule, to stop its kicking, and then +he said to his comrades, “Boys, we came out here with the glorious +prospect of capturing a Yankee general and his staff, and instead of +getting him, we have broken up a nigger funeral and captured the gospel +sharp, armed with a picket fence, and a kicking mule. Shall we hang +him for engaging in uncivilized, warfare, by stabbing us with pickets +poisoned with whitewash, or shall we take the red-headed slim-jim back +with us as a curiosity.” The boys all said not to hang me, but to take +me along. I saw that it was all day with me this time. I felt that I +was helping put down the rebellion rapidly, as I had been a soldier four +weeks, been captured twice, and not a drop of blood had been spilled. +The rebels started back, with me and my mule ahead of them, and they +kept the mule ahead by jabbing it with a saber occasionally. I felt +humiliated and indignant at being called slim-jim, sorrel-top, and +elder. They seemed to think I was a preacher. I stood it all until a +cuss reached into my pocket and took my meershaum pipe and a bag of +tobacco, filled the pipe and lit it, then I was mad. I had paid eight +dollars of my bounty for that pipe, and I said to the leader: “Boss, I +can stand a joke as well as anybody, but when you capture me, in a fair +fight, you have no right to jab my mule with a saber, or call me names. +I am a meek and lowly soldier of the army of the right, and want to so +live that I can meet you all in the great hereafter, but by the gods I +can whip the condemned galoot that stole my meershaum pipe. You think +I am pious, and a non-combatant, but I am a fighter from away back, and +don't you forget it.” The young man who seemed to be in command told me +to dry up, and he would get my pipe. He went and took it away from the +one who had stolen it, filled it and lit it himself, and said it was a +good pipe, and then he passed it around among them all. We moved on at a +trot, and were getting far away from my regiment, and I realized that I +was a captive, and that I should probably die in Andersonville prison. I +looked at the dozen stalwart rebels that were riding behind me, and knew +I could not whip them all with one picket off the cemetery fence, and so +I resolved to remain a captive, and die for my country, of scurvey, if +necessary. I turned around in my saddle to ask if it wasn t about time +for me to have a smoke out of my own pipe, and as I looked up the road +we had come over I saw a large body of our own cavalry, coming like the +wind toward us. I said nothing, but my face gave me away. I looked so +tickled to see the boys coming that the rebels noticed it, and they +looked back and saw the soldiers in pursuit, they yelled, “The Yanks are +coming!” put spurs to their horses, stabbed my mule and told me to pound +it with the picket, and hurry up, and then they passed me, and away they +went, leaving me in the road alone between them and my own soldiers, I +yelled to the leader to give me back my pipe, and I can hear his mocking +laugh to this day, as he told me to “go to hell.” This made me mad, and +drawing my picket I dashed after the retreating rebels, knowing that the +men of my regiment would soon overtake me, and they would think I had +chased the rebels three miles from town, armed only with a picket off +the fence, and saved the garrison from capture. The thing worked +to perfection, and when our command came up, the horses panting and +perspiring, and the boys looking wild, the captain in command asked me +how many there was of em, and I told him about forty, and he said I +had done well to drive them so far, and he charged by me after them. +I yelled to the captain to try and kill that long-legged rebel on +the sorrel horse, and get my meershaum pipe, but he didn't hear me. I +hurried along as fast as I could, but before I caught up, there was +a good deal of firing, and when I got there flankers were out in the +woods, and there was sorrow, for three or four boys in blue had been +killed in an ambush, and the rebels had got away across a bayou. As I +rode up on my mule, with the picket still in my hand, I saw the three +soldiers of my regiment lying dead under a tree, two others were wounded +and had bandages around their heads, and for the first time since I had +been a soldier, I realized that war was not a picnic. I could not keep +my eyes off the faces of my dead comrades, the best and bravest boys +in the regiment, boys who always got to the front when there was a +skirmish. To think that I had been riding right amongst the rebels who +had done this thing but a few minutes before, and never thought that +death would claim anybody so soon. I wondered if those rebels were not +sorry they had killed such good boys. I wondered, as I thought of the +fathers and mothers, and sisters of my dead companions, whether the +rebels would not sympathize with them, and then I thought suppose our +fellows had not been killed, and we had killed some of the Confederates, +wouldn't it have been just as sorrowful, wouldn't _their_ fathers, +mothers and sisters have mourned the same. + +Then I made a resolve that I would never kill anybody if I could help +it; I even decided that if I should meet the rebel that had my meershaum +pipe, I would not fight him to get it. If he wasn't gentleman enough to +give it up peaceably, he could keep it, and be darned. Just then some +of our skirmishers came in carrying another dead body, and we were all +speculating as to which one of our poor boys had fallen, when we noticed +that the dead soldier had on a gray suit, and it was soon found that he +was one of the Confederates. He was laid down beside our dead boys, and +I don't know but I felt about as bad to see him dead, as it was possible +to feel. It is true he had told me, half an hour before, when I asked +him for my pipe, to go to hades, but I did not have to go unless I +wanted to. And he was gone first. I saw something sticking out of the +breast pocket of the dead Confederate, and could see that it was my +pipe. Then I thought of the foolish remark I made to the captain, to +kill that long-legged rebel and get my meershaum. God bless him, I +didn't want anybody to kill him for a bad smelling old pipe, and I +wondered if that remark would be registered up against me, in the great +book above, when I didn't mean it. I tried to make myself believe that +my remark did not have any influence on the man's fate. He just took +his chances with his comrades, and was killed, no doubt, and yet it was +impossible to get the idea off my mind that I was responsible for his +death. Anyway, I would never touch the confounded old pipe again, and +if I ever heard of his mother or sister, after the war was over, I would +stand by them as long as I had a nickel. An ambulance was sent for and +the dead and wounded were placed in it, and we went back to town, a sad +procession. There was no need to detail any mourners for this occasion, +and there was no straggling for watermelons. Everybody was full of +sorrow. The next day there was a Union funeral in that Southern town, +and the three Union boys were laid side by side, while a little, to one +side my Confederate was buried, receiving the same kind words from the +chaplains. As a volley was about to be fired over the graves, I picked +a handful of roses, buds and blossoms, from a rose bush in the cemetery, +and went to the grave of the Confederate and tenderly tossed them upon +the coffin. The horse doctor saw me do it, and in his rough manner said, + +“What you about there? It ain t necessary to plant flowers on the graves +of rebels. + +“O, no, it isn't necessary, I said, as the volley was fired over the +graves, but it will make his mother or his sister feel better to know +that there are a few roses in there, and it won't hurt anybody. I will +just play that I am the authorized agent of that Confederate soldier's +sister. + +“O, all right if you say so, said the horse-doctor, as he drew the +sleeve of his blue blouse across his eyes, which were wet. The last +volley was fired, and the soldiers returned to camp, leaving the dead of +two armies sleeping together. As I went in the chaplain's tent and sat +down to think, the chaplain handed me something, saying: + +“Here's your pipe. They found it on that Confederate soldier that +captured you.” + +I pushed it away and said, “I don't want it. I have quit smoking.” + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + I Capture “Jeff”--I Get Back at the Chaplain--The Chaplain + Arrested--Off on a Raid--I Meet the Relatives of the Dead + Confederate--My Powers of Lying are Brought into Play. + +The winding up of the last chapter of this history, with its sad +incidents, deaths and burials, was unavoidable, but it shall not occur +again. The true historian has got to get in all the particulars. I think +I never felt quite as downhearted as I did the day or two after the +skirmish, when our boys were killed. It had seemed as though there +was no danger of anybody getting hurt, as long as they looked out for +themselves, but now there was a feeling that anybody was liable to be +killed, any time, and why not me? Of course the old veterans of the +regiment were the ones who would naturally be expected to take the brunt +of the battle, but there was a habit of sending raw recruits into places +of danger that struck me as being mighty careless, as well as very bad +judgment. Then there were great preparations being made for an advance +movement, or a retreat, or something, and my mind was constantly occupied +in trying to find out whether it was to be an advance or a retreat. If +it was an advance, I wanted to arrange to be in the rear, and if it was +a retreat, it seemed to me as as though the proper place for a man who +wanted to live to go home, was in front. And yet what chance was there +for a common private soldier to find out whether it was an advance or +a retreat. Finally I decided that when the regiment _did_ start out, I +would manage to be about the middle, so it wouldn't make much difference +which way we went. When that idea occurred to me I pondered over it +a good deal and told the chaplain, and he said it was a piece of as +brilliant strategy as he had ever heard of, and he was willing to adopt +it, only being a staff officer it was necessary for him and me to ride +with the colonel, and the colonel most always rode at the head, though +his place was about the middle. He said he would speak to the colonel +about it. It made my hair stand to see the preparations that were being +made for carnage. Ammunition enough was issued to kill a million men, +and the doctors were packing bandages and plasters, and physic, and +splints and probes, until it made me sick to look at them. When I +thought of actual war, my mind reverted to my mule, the kicking brute +that was no good, and I decided to get a horse. I had got so, actually, +that I could hear bullets whistle without turning pale and having cold +chills run over me, and it seemed as though a horse was none too good +for me, so I went to the colonel and told him that a soldier couldn't +make no show on a kicking mule and I wanted a horse. I told him I +supposed, as chaplain's clerk. I should have to ride with him and his +staff on the march, and he didn't want to see as nice a looking fellow +as I was riding a kicking mule that would kick the ribs of the officers +horses, and break the officers legs. The colonel said he had not thought +of that contingency. He had enjoyed seeing me ride the mule, because I +was so patient when the mule kicked. He said they used that mule in the +regiment to teach recruits to ride. A man who could stay on that mule +could ride any horse in the regiment, and as I had been successful, +and had displayed splendid mulemanship, I should be promoted to ride a +horse, and he told the quartermaster to exchange with me and give me the +chestnut-sorrel horse that the Confederate was shot off of. I went with +the quartermaster to the corral, turned out my mule, and cornered the +beautiful horse that had been rode so proudly a few days before by my +friend, the rebel. It took six of us to catch the horse, and bridle and +saddle him, and the men about the corral said the horse was no good. He +hadn't eaten anything since being captured, and his eyes looked bad, +and he wanted to kick and bite everybody. I told them the poor horse was +homesick, that was all that ailed him. The horse was a Confederate at +heart, and he naturally had no particular love for Yankees. I remembered +that once or twice when I was riding with the rebels, after they +captured me, the young fellow on this horse patted him on the neck and +called him “Jeff”, so I knew that was his name, so I led him out of the +corral away from the other fellows, where there was some grass growing, +and made up my mind I would “mash” him. After he had eaten grass a +little while, looking at me out of the corner of his eyes as though he +didn't know whether to kick my head on, or walk on me, as I sat under +a tree, I got up and patted him on the neck and said, “Well, Jeff, old +boy, how does the grass fit your stomach?” + +You may talk about brute intelligence, but that horse was human. He +stopped eating, with his mouth full of grass, looked astonished at being +addressed by a stranger without an introduction, and turned a pair of +eyes as beautiful and soft as a woman's upon me, and then began to chew +slowly, as though thinking. I rubbed his sleek coat with, my bare hands, +and did not say much, desiring to have Jeff make the first advances. He +looked me over, and finally put his nose on my sleeve, and rubbed me, +and looked in my face, and acted as though he would say, “Well, of +course this red-headed fellow is no comparison to my dead master, but +evidently he's no slouch, and if I have got to be bossed around by a +Yankee, as he is the only one that has spoken a kind word to me since I +was captured, and he seems to know my name, I guess I will tie to him,” + and the intelligent animal rubbed his nose all over me, and licked my +hand. I rubbed the horse all over, petted him, took up his feet and +looked at them, and spoke his name, and pretty soon we were the best of +friends. I mounted him and rode around and it was just like a rocking +chair. That poor, dead Confederate had probably rode Jeff since he was +a kid and Jeff was a colt, and had broken him well, and I was awfully +sorry that the original owner was not alive, riding his horse home safe +and sound, to be greeted by his family with loving embraces. But he was +dead and buried, and his horse belonged to me, by all the laws of war. +And yet I had not become a hardened warrior to such an extent that I +could forget the hearts that would ache at his home, and I made up +mind that horse would be treated as tenderly as though he was one of my +family. I rode Jeff around for an hour or two, found that he was trained +to jump fences, stand on his hind feet, trot, pace, rack, and that he +could run like a scared wolf, and everything the horse did he would sort +of look around at me with one eye as much as to say, “Boss, you will +find I have got all the modern improvements, and you needn't be afraid +that I will disgrace you in any society.” I was fairly in love with my +new horse, and, except for a feeling that I was an interloper with the +horse, and sorry for the poor boy that had been shot off him, I should +have been perfectly happy. + +The chaplain had got in the habit of wearing a nice, blue broadcloth +blouse which I had brought from home, which had two rows of brass +buttons on it. I had paid about twenty dollars of my bounty for the +blouse, and had found that the private soldiers did not wear such +elaborate uniforms in active duty, so I kept it in the chaplain's tent. +I thought if I was killed and my body was sent home, the blouse would +come handy. The chaplain wore it occasionally, and he said any time I +wanted to wear any of his clothes to just help myself. An order had been +issued to move the following day, with ten days' rations, and some of +the boys asked for passes to go down town and have a little blow-out +before we started. They wanted me to go along, and so I got a pass, too. +We were to go down town in the afternoon and stay till nine o clock at +night, when we had to be in camp. I saddled up Jeff and looked for +my blouse, but it was gone, the chaplain having worn it to visit the +chaplain of some other regiment, so I took his coat and put it on, as +he had told me to. The coat had the chaplain's shoulder-straps on, but +I thought there would be no harm in wearing it, so about a dozen of +us privates started for town to have a good time, and I with +chaplain's-straps on. It was customary, when soldiers went to town on +a pass, to partake of intoxicating beverages more or less, as that was +about the only form of enjoyment, and I blush now, twenty-two years +afterward, to write the fact that we all got pretty full. It seemed +so like home to be able to go into a saloon and drink beer, good old +northern beer, and who knew but tomorrow we would be killed. So we ate, +drank, and were merry. One of the boys said when the officers got on a +tear, they would ride right into billiard saloons, and sometime shoot at +decanters of red liquor behind the bar, and he said a private was just +as good as an officer any day, and suggested that we mount our horses +and paint the town. We mounted, and rode about town, racing up and down +the streets, and finally we came to a billiard saloon, and half a +dozen of us rode right in, took cues out of the rack, and tried to play +billiards on horse-back. It was a grand picnic then, though it seems +foolish now. My horse Jeff would do anything I asked him, and when I +rode up to the bar and told him to rear up, he put both fore feet on the +bar, and looked at the bartender as much as to say, “set up the best you +have got.” + +The chaplain's shoulder-straps gave the crowd a sort of confidence that +everything was all right, and after exhibiting in a saloon for a time, +there was something said about horse-racing, and I said my horse could +beat anything on four legs, so we adjourned to the outskirts of town for +a race, followed by half the people in town. We had a horse-race, +and Jeff beat them all, and wherever I went the crowd would cheer the +chaplain. They said they liked to see a man in that position who could +unbend himself and mix up with the boys. There never was a chaplain more +popular than the “Wisconsin preacher” was. It did not occur to me that +I was placing the chaplain in an unfavorable position before the public, +by wearing his coat. _Nothing_ occurred to me, that day, except that we +were having a high old time. Finally, after dark, one of our boys got +into a row with a loafer in a saloon, and picked the loafer up and +tossed him through the window, to the sidewalk. This was very wrong, but +it couldn't be helped. There was a great noise, cries for the provost +guard, and we knew that the only way to get out of the scrape honorably, +would be to get out real quick, so we mounted and rode to our camp. My +horse was the fastest and I got home first, unsaddled my horse and went +to the tent, took off the chaplain's coat and hung it up carefully, and +was at work writing a letter, and thinking how my horse acted as though +he had been on sprees before, he enjoyed it so, when I heard a noise +outside, and it was evident that the provost guard had followed us to +camp, and were making complaint to the colonel about our conduct down +town. Finally the guard went away, and shortly the colonel and the +adjutant called at our tent and inquired for the chaplain. I told them +the chaplain had been away most of the day, and had not returned. The +colonel and the adjutant winked at each other, and asked me if he wasn t +away a good deal. I told them that he was away some. They asked me if I +never noticed that his breath had a peculiar smell. I told them that it +was occasionally a little loud. They went away thoughtfully. Now that +I think of it I ought to have explained that the peculiarity of the +chaplain's breath was caused from eating pickled onions of the sanitary +stores, but it did not occur to me at the time. After a while the +chaplain came back, asked me if anybody had died during the day, took a +drink of blackberry brandy for what ailed him, and we retired. The next +morning there was a circus. The little town boasted, a daily paper, and +it contained the following: + + “The community is prepared to overlook an occasional scene + of hilarity among the Federal soldiers stationed in this + vicinity, but when a gang of roysterers is led by a + chaplain, as was the case yesterday, all right-minded people + will be indignant. It is said by our informant that the + chaplain of a certain cavalry regiment was the liveliest one + of the crowd, that he rode into a billiard room, caused his + horse to place its forefeet on the bar, and that he played a + better game of billiards on horseback than many worldly men + can play on foot. It is the duty of the commanding officer + to discipline his chaplain. The chaplain also beat the boys + several horse races while in town, and they say he is a + perfect horseman, and has one of the finest horses ever + seen here, which he probably stole.” + +I had a boy bring me a paper every morning, and I read the article +before the chaplain awoke, and destroyed the paper. Early the next +morning the colonel sent for the chaplain, placed him under arrest, and +the good man came back to the tent feeling pretty bad. I asked him what +was wrong, and he said he was under arrest for conduct unbecoming an +officer and a gentleman. He said charges were preferred against him for +drunkenness and disorderly conduct, horse-racing, playing billiards on +horse-back, riding his horse into a saloon and trying to jump him over +the bar, and lots of things too numerous to mention. I felt sorry for +him, and told him I had been fearful all along that he would get +into trouble by going away from me so much, and associating with the +chaplains of the other regiments, but I had never supposed it would come +to this. + +“Wine is a mocker,” said I, becoming warmed up, “and none of us can +afford to tamper with it. With me, it does not make so much difference, +as I have no reputation but that which is already lost, but you, my dear +sir, think of your position. Go to the colonel and confess all, and ask +him to forgive you,” and I wiped my eyes on my coat sleeve. + +“But I was not drunk,” said the chaplain, indignantly. “I was not in a +saloon, and never saw a game of billiards in my life. I was over to +the New Jersey regiment, talking with their chaplain about getting up a +revival, among the soldiers,” and the good man groaned as he said, “it +is a case of mistaken identity.” + +“Bully, elder,” said I. “If you can make the court-martial believe you, +you will be all right, and you will not be cashiered. But it looks dark, +very dark, for you. May heaven help you.” + +The chaplain was worried all the morning, and the officers and men joked +him unmercifully. At noon the chaplain was released from arrest, as we +were to move at four p. m., and he begged so to be allowed to accompany +the regiment. The colonel told him he could be tried when we got back, +and he was happy. There was a great commotion as the regiment broke up +its camp and got ready to move. There was the usual crowd of negresses +who had been doing washing for the soldiers, to be paid on pay day, and +we were going away, no one knew where, and no one knew when we would +meet pay day. There were saloon-keepers with bills against officers, and +standing-off creditors was just about as hard in the army as at home. +I couldn't see much difference. But finally everything was ready, the +ammunition wagons, wagon train of stores, and a battery of little guns, +about three pounders, had been added. I didn't like the battery. It +seemed to me hard enough to kill our fellow citizens with revolver +balls, without shooting them with cannon. At 4 p.m. the bugle sounded +“forward,” and with the clanking of sabers, rattling of hoofs and +wagons, we marched outside the picket line, past the cemetery where +my deceased friends were buried, and were going towards the enemy. The +chaplain and myself were riding behind the colonel, when the colonel +asked the good man to ride up to a log that was beside the road, and +make his horse put his forefeet upon it, as he did on the bar in the +saloon. I felt sorry for the chaplain, and I rode up to the log, and had +Jeff put his feet up on it. Then I rode back and saluted the colonel +and told him it was I who had done the wicked things the chaplain was +accused of, and I told him how the chaplain was using my coat, so I put +on his, with the shoulder straps on, and all about it. He laughed at +first and then said, “Then you are under arrest. You may dismount and +walk and lead your horse until further orders.” I dismounted, like a +little man, and for five miles I walked, keeping up with the regiment. +Finally the colonel sung out, “gallop, march,” and I got on my horse. +I reasoned that the order to gallop was “further orders,” and that as he +knew I couldn't very well gallop on foot he must have meant for me to +get on. We galloped for about ten miles, and were ordered to halt, when +I dismounted and led my horse up to the colonel, and saluted him. “Well, +you must have had a hard time keeping up with us on foot,” said he. I +told him it rested me to go on foot. We were just going into camp for +the night, and the colonel said, “Well, as you are rested so much from +your walk, you may go out with the foraging party and get some feed for +your horse and the chaplain's.” I was willing to do anything for a quiet +life, so I fell in with a party of about forty, under a lieutenant, and +we rode off into the country to steal forage from a plantation, keeping +a sharp lookout for Confederates who might object. I guess we rode away +from camp two or three miles, when we came to a magnificent plantation +house, and outhouses, negro quarters, etc. The house was on a hill, in a +grove of live oaks, and had immense white pillars, or columns in +front. As we rode up to the plantation the boys scattered all over the +premises. This was the first foraging expedition I had ever been with, +and I thought all we went for was to get forage for our horses, so I +went to a shock of corn fodder and took all that I could strap on my +saddle, and was ready to go, when I passed a smoke house and found some +of the boys taking smoked hams and sides of bacon. I asked one of the +boys if they had permission to take hams and things, and he laughed and +said, “everything goes,” and he handed me a ham which I hung on to my +saddle. Then the lieutenant told me to go up in front of the house and +stand guard, and prevent any soldier from entering the house. I rode up +to the house, where there was an old lady and a young married woman +with a little girl by her side. They were evidently much annoyed and +frightened, though too proud to show it, and I told them they need have +no fear, as the men were only after a little forage for their horses. +The old lady looked at the ham on my saddle and asked me if the horses +eat meat, and I said, “No, but sometimes the men eat horses.” I thought +that was funny. The young woman was beautiful, and the child was +perfectly enchanting. They were on the opposite side of the railing from +me, and my horse kept working up towards them, rubbing his nose on the +pickets, and finally his nose touched the clasped hands of the mother +and child. The little girl laughed and patted the horse on the nose, +while the mother drew back. It was almost dark and the horse was almost +covered with corn fodder, but the little girl screamed and said: + +“Mamma, that is Jeff, papa's horse!” + +The mamma looked at me with a wild, hunted look, then at the horse, +rushed down the steps and threw her arms around the neck of the horse +and sobbed in a despairing manner: + +“O, where is my husband? Where is he? Is he dead? + +“My son, my son!” cried the old lady. + +“Bring me my papa, you bad man!” said the little child, and I was +surrounded by the three. + +Gentle reader, I have been through many scenes in my life, and have been +many times where it was not the toss of a copper whether death or life +was my portion, and I had some nerve to help me through, but I never +was in a place that tried me like that one. I had been captured by the +father of this little child, the husband of this beautiful, proud woman, +the son of this charming old lady. I had seen him brought in, dead, had +seen him buried, and had thrown a bunch of roses in his grave. Now I was +surrounded by these mourners, mourners when they should know the worst. +Cold chills run all over me, and cold perspiration was on my brow. + +“Is he dead?” they all shouted together. + +I hate a liar, on general principles, and yet there are times when a lie +is so much easier to tell than truth. I did not want to be a murderer, +and I knew, by the dreadful light in the eyes of that lovely wife, as +she looked up at me from the neck of the horse, her face as white as +snow, that if I told the truth she would fall dead right where she was. +If I told the truth that blessed old lady's heart would be broken, and +that little child's face would not have any more smiles, during the war, +for mamma and grandma, and, with a hoarse voice, and choking, and trying +to swallow something that seemed as big as a baseball in my throat, I +deliberately lied to them. I told them the young man who rode this horse +had been captured, after a gallant fight, unharmed, and sent north. +That he was so brave that our boys fell in love with him, and there was +nothing too good for him in our army, and that he would be well taken +care of, and exchanged soon, I had no doubt, and bade them not to worry, +but to look at the discomforts and annoyances of war as leniently as +possible, and all would be well soon. + +“Thank heaven! Take all we have got in welcome,” said the old lady, as a +heavenly smile came over her face. “My boy is safe.” + +“O, thank you, sir,” said the little mother, as a lovely smile chased a +dimple all around her mouth, and corraled it in her left cheek, while a +pair of navy-blue eyes looked up at me as though she would hug me if +I was not a Yankee, eyes that I have seen a thousand times since, in +dreams, often with tears in them. + +[Illustration: You are a darling good man 103] + +“You are a darling good man,” said the little girl, dancing on the +gravel path. The mother blushed and said, + +“Why, Maudie, don't be so rude;” and there was a shout: + +“Fall in!” + +The lieutenant rode up to me and asked, as he noticed the glad smiles on +the faces of the ladies, if this was a family reunion, and, apologizing +for being compelled to raid the plantation, we rode away. I was afraid +they would mention the news I had brought them, and the lieutenant would +tell the truth, so I was glad to move. I was glad to go, for if I had +remained longer I would have cried like a baby, and given them back the +horse, and walked to camp. As we moved away, I took out my knife and +cut the string that held the smoked ham on my saddle, and had the +satisfaction of hearing it drop on the path before the house. I could +not give back the husband of the blue-eyed woman, the son of the saintly +Southern mother, the father of the sweet child, but I _could_ leave that +ham. As we rode back to camp that beautiful moonlight night, I did not +join in the singing of the boys, or the jokes. I just thought of that +happy home I had left, and how it would be stricken, later, when the +news was brought them, and wondered if that fearful lie I had been +telling, them was justifiable, under the circumstances, and it it would +be laid up against me, charged up in the book above. That night I slept +on the ground on some corn fodder and dreamed of nothing but blue-eyed +mamma's and golden-haired Maudie's and white-haired angel grandmothers. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + “Boots and Saddles”--“I am the Colonel's Orderly”--Riding + Fifty Miles on an Empty Stomach--The Chaplain Appears--I am + Wounded by a Locomotive and a Piece of Coal--I Nearly Kill + an Old Man. + +When our foraging party got back to camp, and I unloaded the corn fodder +from my horse, I was about as disgusted with war as a man could be. The +faces of those people I had met at the plantation rose up before me, and +I could imagine how they would look when they heard that the Confederate +soldier who was their all, was dead. I hoped that they would never hear +of it. While I was thinking the matter over, and grooming my horse, the +chaplain came along and took nearly all the fodder I had brought in, and +fed it to his horse, and asked me where the chickens and hams, and sweet +potatoes were. I told him I didn't get any. Then he spoke very plainly +to me, plainer than he had ever spoken before, and told me that fodder +for horses was not all that soldiers got when they went out foraging. He +said I wanted to snatch anything that was lying around loose, that could +be eaten. I asked him if the government did not furnish rations enough +for him to live comfortably, in addition to the sanitary stores. He +said sometimes he yearned for chicken. Then I told him his salary was +sufficient to buy such luxuries. He was hot, and talked back to me, and +told me he didn't propose to be lectured by no red-headed private as to +his duties, or his conduct, and he wanted me to understand that I was +expected to forage for him as well as myself, and not to let another +soldier come into camp with a better assortment of the luxuries afforded +by the country, than I did. He said that he picked me out as a man that +would fill the bill, and do his duty. I told him if he had selected me +from all the men in the regiment as being the most expert sneak thief, +he had made a mistake, and I would be teetotally d----d if I would go +through the country stealing hens and chickens for any chaplain that +ever lived, and he could put that in his pipe and smoke it. It was +pretty sassy talk for a private soldier to indulge in towards a +chaplain, but I was so disgusted to hear a man who should discountenance +anything unsoldierly, talk so flippantly about taking from the women and +children of the country what little they had to live on, because we had +the power, their men folks being away in the army, that I got on my ear, +as it were. I told him that I was not much mashed on war, and hoped I +would never have to fire a gun at a human being, but now that I was into +the business, I would fight if I had to, or do any duty of a soldier, +but I would be cussed if I would rob henroosts, and he didn't weigh +enough to compel me to. Then he said I could go back to my company, as +he didn't want a man around him that hadn't sand enough to do his duty. +I asked him if I hadn't better wait till after supper, it being after +dark, but he said I could go right away, and he would have another man +detailed to take my place. I was discharged, because I struck against +stealing hens. I saddled my horse, took my share of the fodder, and +started for my company to return to duty as a soldier. On the way to +my company I saw a half a dozen soldiers, covered with mud, and their +horses covered with foam, ride up to the colonel's tent, and I stopped +to see what was the matter. A sergeant gave the colonel a dispatch, +which he tore open, read it, looked excited, and then he turned to 'me +and said, “Ride to every commanding officer of a company and say with +my compliments, that 'Boots and Saddles' will be sounded in ten minutes, +and every man must be in line, mounted, within five minutes after the +call is sounded, then come back here.” Well, I was about as excited as +the colonel, and I rode to every captain's tent and gave the command. +Some of the captains, who were just sitting down to supper, asked, “What +you giving us,” thinking it was some foolishness on my part. One captain +said if I came around with any more such orders he would run a +saber through me and turn it around a few times; another said to his +lieutenant, “That is the chaplains idiot, that the boys play jokes on; +some corporal has probably told him to carry that message.” + +I got all around the companies, and went back to the colonel, and told +him that I had delivered his invitation, but the most of the captains +sent regrets in one way and another, and one was going to jab me with a +saber. He called the bugler, and told him to blow “Boots and Saddles,” + and in five minutes to sound, “To Horse;” then he turned to me and said, +“You will be my orderly tonight, and you will have the liveliest ride +you ever experienced. Buckle up your saddle girth and lead my horse out +here.” I told the colonel I should have to buckle up my own belt a few +holes, as I hadn't had any supper, when he told his servant to bring me +out what was left of his supper, which he did, one small hard tack. I +eat pretty hearty, and let my horse fill himself all he could on corn +stalks, and in a short time the bugle calls were echoing through the +woods, men were saddling up and mounting, and picking up camp +utensils in the dark, and swearing some at being ordered out in that +unceremonious manner when they had got all ready to have a night's +rest. There was not near as much swearing as I had supposed there would +be, but there was enough. The chaplain came rushing up to where I was +with his coat off, and asked me what was the matter, and the colonel +having gone to the major's tent, I answered him that we were going to +have the liveliest ride he ever experienced, and not to forget it, and +that probably before morning we would have the biggest fight of the +season. + +“Come and help me catch my horse,” said the chaplain, “I turned him +loose so he could roll over, and he has stampeded.” + +“Go catch your own horse,” said I with lofty dignity, “and steal your +own chickens. I am serving on the start of the commanding officer, sir. +I am the colonel's orderly.” + +I thought that would break the chaplain all up, but it didn't. “The +devil you say,” remarked the chaplain, as he went off in the darkness, +whistling for his horse. Gentle reader, did you ever ride on horseback +fifty miles in one night, on an empty stomach, after having ridden +thirty miles during the day? If you never have accomplished such a feat, +you don't know anything about suffering. O, to this day I can feel my +stomach freeze itself to my backbone. We started soon after orders were +given on a gallop, and if we walked our horses a minute during the whole +night, I did not know it. We marched by “fours,” but I had the whole +road to myself, as I rode behind the colonel. I wanted to know where we +were going and what for, and once, when the colonel fell back to where +I was, while he was taking a drink out of a canteen, I said, “This is +a little sudden, ain't it?” My idea was to draw him out, and get him to +tell me all about the destination of the expedition, and its object. +The colonel got through drinking, and as he knocked the cork into the +canteen, he said, “Yes, this _is_ a little spry.” That was all he said, +and evidently he wanted me to draw my own inference, which I did. +Pretty soon the orderly sergeant of the company that was on the advance, +directly behind the colonel, rode up to me and asked me if I had any +idea where we were going. He said he had seen me talking with the +colonel, and thought maybe he had told me the programme. He added that +he thought it was a shame that men couldn't be allowed a little rest. I +told him that I had just been talking with the colonel about it, but I +had no authority to communicate what he said. However, I would assure +the orderly that we were going to have the liveliest ride he ever +experienced. I knew I was safe in saying that, and the orderly remarked +that he had about come to that conclusion himself, and he left me. I +had never expected to rise, on pure merit, to that proud position of +colonel's orderly, and I made up my mind if that night's ride did not +founder me, or drive my spine up into the top of my hat, or glue the two +sides of my empty stomach together, so they would never come apart, that +I would try to conduct myself so that the commanding officers would all +cry for me and want me on their starts. I argued, to myself, as we +rode along, that the position of colonel's orderly could not be so very +unsafe, as it did not stand to reason that a colonel would go into any +place that was particularly dangerous, as long as he could send other +officers. I knew that colonels in action should ride behind their +regiments, and wondered if this colonel knew his place, or would he be +fool enough to go right ahead of his men? I was going to speak to him +about it, if we ever stopped galloping long enough, but everything was +jarred out of my head. + +A fellow can think of a good many things, riding on a gallop at night, +and I guess I thought of about everything that night. There were few +interruptions of the march. There were about four stops, two being +caused by horses falling down and being run over by those behind them, +and two by carbines going off accidentally. One man was dismounted and +run over by half the horses in the regiment, and when he was pulled out +from under the horses he asked for a chew of tobacco, and saying he +was marked for life by horse shoes, he kicked his horse in the ribs for +falling down, climbed on and said the procession might move on. He was +all cut to pieces by horse's hoofs, but he was full of fight the next +morning. Another soldier had his big toe shot off by the accidental +discharge of a carbine, and when the regiment stopped, and the colonel +asked him if he wanted to stop there and wait for an ambulance to +overtake him, he said, not if there is going to be a fight. I don't +use a big toe much, anyway, and if there is a fight ahead, I want to be +there, if I haven't got a toe left on my feet. The colonel smiled and +said, all right, boy. I never saw fellows who were so anxious to fight, +and I wondered how much money it would take to induce me to go into a +fight when I was crippled up enough to be excused. Along toward morning +everybody felt that we were so far into the enemy's lines that there +must be some object in the long ride, and the probabilities of a fight +seemed to be settled in every man's mind. Up hill and down we galloped, +until it seemed to me I should fall off my horse and die. About half an +hour before daylight the command was halted, and the officers of each +company were sent for, and they surrounded the colonel, separated +from the men, and he said: “There is a town ahead, about four miles, +garrisoned by confederate troops. We are to charge it at daylight, drive +the enemy out the other side of town, kill as many as possible, and when +they go out they will be attacked by another Union regiment that has +been sent around to the rear. There is a railroad there, and a bridge +across a river, Confederate stores of ammunition, provisions, cotton, +etc. The stores are to be burned, the railroad bridge destroyed, +the track torn up, engines, if there are any, are to be ditched, and +everything destroyed except private residences. You understand?” The +officers said they did, and they went back to their companies and +ordered the men to get a bite to eat. When the officers had gone I was +pretty scared, and I said, “Colonel, suppose the rebels do not get out +of that town.” The colonel was chewing a hard-tack when he answered. +Daylight was just streaking up from the East, and he held a piece of +the hard-tack up to the light to pick a worm out of it, after which +he answered: “If they don't get out, we will, those of us who are not +killed. I always like to eat hard-tack in the dark, then I can't see the +worms.” To say that I was reassured would be untrue. I admired a man who +could mingle business with pleasure, as he did when talking of possible +death and worms in hard-tack, but death was never an interesting subject +to me. I wanted to talk with the colonel more, and asked him if colonels +often get killed, and if an orderly was exactly safe in his immediate +vicinity, but he leaned against a tree and went to sleep, and I stood +near, as wide awake as any man ever was. I wondered whose idea it was +to send us fifty miles into the Confederacy to destroy provisions and +railroads. + +Did they suppose the Confederates didn't want anything to eat. I thought +it was a mean man or government that would burn up good wholesome +provisions because they couldn't eat them themselves. And who owned this +railroad that was going to be torn up? Why burn a bridge that probably +cost several hundred thousand dollars. As I was thinking these +things over and finding fault with the persons responsible for such +foolishness, the chaplain, who had not showed up during the night, came +up to where I was, without any hat, leading his horse, which was lame. +The first thing he asked me how I would trade horses. They all wanted +my Jen, but he was not in the market. The chaplain said he had caught +up with the regiment about midnight, and had rode at the rear, with the +horse-doctor. He said this expedition was foolish, and had no object +except to try the endurance of the horses and men. I told him that we +were going to have a fight in less than an hour, and burn a town, and +probably we would all be killed. The chaplain turned pale and looked +faint. + +I had read about hell, and seen pictures of it, from the imagination of +some eminent artist, but the hell I had read of, and seen pictured, was +not a marker to the experience of the next three hours. In a few minutes +the colonel woke up, and the regiment mounted and moved on. An advance +guard was put further out than before, with orders to charge the rebel +picket almost into town, and then hold up for the rest of us. As we +neared the town it was just light enough to see. The advance captured +the picket post without a shot being fired, and moved right into town, +followed by the regiment, and we actually rode right into the camp of +the boys in gray, and woke them up by firing. They scattered, coatless +and shoeless, firing as they ran, and in five minutes they were all +captured, killed, gone out of town, or were in hiding in the buildings. +Then began the conflagration. Immense buildings, filled with goods, or +bales of cotton, were fired, and soon the black smoke and falling walls +made a scene that was enough to set a recruit crazy. A train came in +just as the fire was at its greatest, and a squad of men was sent to +burn it, and the colonel told me to go and capture the engineer and +bring him to the headquarters. + +[Illustration: Engineer threw a lump of coal and hit me 113] + +I rode up as near to the engine as my horse would go and told the +engineer I wanted him. He turned a cock somewhere, and a jet of steam +came out towards me that fairly blinded me and the horse, and I couldn't +see the engine any more. My horse turned tail, the engineer threw a lump +of coal and hit me on the head, and I went away and told the colonel the +engineer wouldn't come, and beside had scalded me with steam, and hit me +with a lump of coal. The colonel said the engineer could be arrested +for such conduct. Pretty soon the train was on fire, and one of our boys +clubbed the engineer, got on the engine and run it on to a side track +and ditched it, and brought the engineer up to headquarters, where I had +quite a talk with him about squirting steam and throwing lumps of coal +at peaceable persons. Then the railroad, bridge was set on fire, and +it looked cruel to see the timbers licked up by flames, but when the +burning trestle fell into the river below, it was a grand, an awful +sight. I came out of the fight alive, but with a lump on my head as big +as a hen's egg, so big I couldn't wear my hat, and a firm determination +to whip that engineer who threw the lump of coal when I could catch him +alone. We cooked a late breakfast on the embers of the ruins, and after +eating, I noticed a sign, “Printing Office,” in front of a residence +just outside the burnt district, and asked permission to go there and +print a paper, with an account of the fight, and the destruction of the +town. Permission was granted, and I went to the office and found an old +man and two daughters, beautiful girls, but intensely bitter rebels. The +old man was near eighty years old, and he said he could whip any dozen +yankees. I told him I would like to use his type and press, but he said +if I touched a thing I did it at my peril, as he should consider the +type contaminated by the touch of a yankee. The girls felt the same +way, but I talked nice to them, and they didn't kick much when I took +a “stick” and began to set type. I worked till dinner time, when they +asked me to take dinner with them, which I did. During the conversation +I convinced them that I was practically a non-combatant, and wouldn't +hurt anybody for the world. I worked till about the middle of the +afternoon, when I noticed that the girls, who had been up on the house, +looked tickled about something, and presently I heard some firing at +the edge of the town, some yelling, more firing, bugle calls among our +soldiers, and finally there was an absence of blue coats, and I looked +for my horse, and found the old man leading him away. I halted the old +man, and he stopped and told me that the Confederates had come into town +from the East and driven our cavalry out on the other side, and I would +be a prisoner in about five minutes, and he laughed, and the girls +clapped their hands, and I felt as though my time had come. I had never +killed an old man in my life, but I made up my mind to have my horse or +kill him in his traces, so I drew my revolver and told him to let go +the horse or he was a dead man. It was a question with me whether I +could hold my hand still-enough to kill him, if he didn't let go the +horse, and I hoped to heaven he would drop the bridle. He looked so much +like my father at home that it seemed like killing a near relative, and +when I looked at the two beautiful daughters on the gallery, looking at +us, pale as death, I almost felt as though it would be better to lose +the horse and be captured, then to put a bullet through the gray head of +that beautiful old man. How I wished that he was a young fellow, and +had a gun, and had it pointed at me. Then I could kill him and feel as +though it was self-defense. But the rebels were yelling and firing over +the hill, and my regiment was going the other way on important business, +and it was a question with me whether I should kill the old man, and see +his life-blood ebb out there in front of his children, or be captured, +and perhaps shot for burning buildings. I decided that it was my duty +to murder him, and get my horse. So I rested my revolver across my left +forearm, and took deliberate aim at his left eye, a beautiful, large, +expressive gray eye, so much like my father's at home that I almost +imagined I was about to kill the father who loved me. I heard, a scream +on the gallery, and the blonde girl fainted in the arms of her brunette +sister. The sister said to me, “Please don't kill my father.” He was not +ten feet from me, and I said, “Drop the horse or you die.” The old +man trembled, the girl said: “Pa, give the man his horse,” the old man +dropped the bridle and walked towards the house. I mounted the horse and +rode off towards the direction my regiment had taken, thanking heaven +that the girl had spoken just in time, and that I had not been compelled +to put a bullet through that noble-looking gray head. The face haunted me +all the way, as I rode along to catch my regiment, and when I overtook +it, and rode up to the colonel, and asked him what in thunder he wanted +to go off and leave me to fight the whole southern Confederacy for, +he said, “O, get out! There were no rebels there. That was the Indiana +regiment that started out day before yesterday, to get on the other side +of the town. The fellows were shooting some cattle for food. What makes +you look-so pale?” I was thinking of whether a man ever prospered who +killed old people. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + Three Days Without Food!--The Value of Hard Tack--A Silver + Watch for a Pint of Meal--I Steal Corn from a Hungry Mule-- + The Delirium of Hunger--I Dine on Mule--I Capture a Rebel + Ram. + +After overtaking my regiment, and enjoying a feeling of safety which +I did not feel in the presence of that violent old man who laid savage +hands on my horse, and the girls, I began to reflect. Of course the old +man was not armed, and I was, but how did I know but those Confederate +girls had revolvers concealed about their persons, and might have killed +me. To feel that I was once more safe with my regiment, where there was +no danger as long as they did not get into a fight, was bliss indeed, +and I rode along in silence, wondering when the cruel war would be +over, and what all this riding around the country, burning buildings +and tearing up railroad tracks amounted to, anyway. I didn't enlist as +a section hand, nor a railroad wrecker, and there was nothing in my +enlistment papers that said anything about my being compelled to commit +arson. The recruit-officer who, by his glided picture of the beauties +of a soldier's life, induced me to enlist as a soldier, never mentioned +anything that would lead me to believe that one of my duties would be +to touch a match to another man's bales of cotton, or ditch a locomotive +belonging to parties who never did me any harm, and who had a right to +expect dividends from their railroad stock. If I had the money, that was +represented in the stuff destroyed by our troops that day, I could run +a daily newspaper for years, if it didn't have a subscriber or a +patent medicine advertisement. And who was benefitted by such wanton +destruction of property. As we rode along I told the colonel I thought +it was a confounded shame to do as we had done, and that such a use of +power, because we had the power, was unworthy of American soldiers. He +said it was a soldier's duty to obey orders and not talk back, and if +he heard any more moralizing on my part he would send me back to my +company, where I would have to do duty like the rest. I told him I +was one of the talking backest fellows he ever saw, and that one of my +duties as a newspaper man was to criticise the conduct of the war. Then +he said I might report to the captain of my company. It seemed hard to +go into the ranks, after having had a soft job with the chaplain, and +again as colonel's orderly, but I thought if I got my back up and showed +the captain that I was no ordinary soldier, but one who was qualified +for any position, that maybe he would be afraid to monkey too much with +me. I knew the captain would be a candidate for some office when the war +was over, and if he knew I was on to him, and that I should very likely +publish a paper that could warm him up quite lively, he would see to +it that I wasn't compelled to do very hard work. So I rode back to my +company and told the captain that the colonel and the chaplain had got +through with me, and I had come back to stay, and would be glad to +do any light work he might have for me. The captain heaved a sigh, as +though he was not particularly tickled to have me back, and told me to +fall in, in the rear of the company. I asked if I couldn't ride at the +head of the company. He said no, there was more room at the rear. I +tried to tell him that I was accustomed to riding at the head of the +regiment, but he told me to shut up my mouth and get back there, and I +got back, and fell in at the tail end of the company, with the cook and +an officer's servant, and the orderly sergeant came back and wanted to +know if the company had got to have me around again. Here was promotion +with a vengeance. From the proud pinnacle from which I had soared, as +chaplain's clerk, and colonel's orderly, I had dropped with one fell +swoop to the rear end of my company, and nobody wanted me, because I had +kicked against stealing hens in one instance, and burning buildings and +tearing up railroads in the other. We rode all day, and at night laid +down in the woods and slept, after eating the last of our rations. I +slept beside a log, and before going to sleep and after waking, I swore +by the great horn spoons I would not steal anything more while I was in +the army, nor do any damage to property. In the morning the soldiers had +scarcely a mouthful to eat, and an order was read to each company that +for three or four days it would be necessary to live off the country, +foraging for what we had to eat. I asked the captain what we would do +for something to eat if we didn't find anything in the country to gobble +up. He said we would starve. That was an encouraging prospect for a man +who had taken a solemn oath not to steal any more. I told the captain I +did not intend to steal any more, as I did not think it right. Then +he said I better begin to eat the halter off my horse, because leather +would be the only thing I would have to stay my stomach. The first day I +did not eat a mouthful, except half of a hard-tack that I had a quarrel +with my horse to get. In throwing the saddle on my horse, one solitary +hard-tack that was in the saddle-bag, fell out upon the ground, and the +horse picked it up. I did not know the hard-tack was in the saddle, and +when it fell upon the ground I was as astonished as I would have been +had a clap of thunder come from the clear sky, and when the horse went +for it, my stomach rebelled and I grabbed one side of the hard-tack +while the horse held the other side in his teeth. Something had to give, +and as the horse's teeth nor my hands would give, the hard-tack had to, +and I saved half of it, and placed it in the inside pocket of my vest, +as choice as though it were a thousand dollar bill. + +I have listened to music, in my time, that has been pretty bad, and +which has sent cold chills up my back, and caused me pain, but I never +heard any bad music that seemed to grate on my nerves as did the noise +my horse made in chewing the half of my last hard-tack, and the look of +triumph the animal gave me was adding insult to injury. Several times +during the day I took that piece of hard-tack from my pocket carefully, +wiped it on my coat-sleeve, and took a small bite, and the horse would +look around at me wickedly, as though he would like to divide it with +me again. People talk about guarding riches carefully, and of placing +diamonds in a safe place, but no riches were ever guarded as securely as +was that piece of hard-tack, and riches never took to themselves wings +and new, regretted more than did my last hard-tack. Each bite made it +smaller, and finally, the last bite was taken, with a sigh, and nothing +remained for me to eat but the halter. Some of the boys went out +foraging, and were moderately successful, while others did not get a +thing to eat. The country was pine woods, with few settlers, and those +that lived there were so poor that it seemed murder to take what they +had. One of the men of our company came back with about two quarts of +corn meal, that night, and I traded him a silver watch for about a pint +of it. I mixed it up in some water, and after the most of the men had +fallen asleep, I made two pancakes of the wet meal, and put them in the +ashes of the camp-fire to bake, but fell asleep before it was done, and +when I woke up and reached into the ashes for the first pancake, it was +gone. Some Union soldier, whom it were base flattery to call a thief, +had watched me, and stole my riches as I slept, robbed me of all I +held dear in life. With trembling hands I raked the ashes for my other +pancake, hopelessly, because I thought that, too, was gone, but to my +surprise I found it. The villain who had pursued me as I slept, had +failed to discover the second pancake, and I was safe, and my life was +saved. I have seen a play in a theater in which a miser hides his gold, +first in one place, then in another, looking to the right and to the +left to see if anybody was watching him. I was the same kind of a miser +about my pancake. If I hid it in the woods I might fail to find the +place, in the morning, where I had hid it, and besides, some soldier +that was peacefully snoring near me, apparently, might have one eye on +me, and commit burglary. If I put it in my pocket, and went to sleep, I +might have my pocket picked, so I concluded to remain awake and hold +it in my hands. There appeared to be nothing between me and death by +starvation, except that cornmeal pancake, and I sat there for an hour, +beside the dying embers of the campfire, trying to make up my mind who +stole my other pancake, and what punishment should be meted out to him +if I ever found him out. I would follow him to my dying day. I suspected +the captain, the colonel, the chaplain, and six hundred soldiers, any +one of whom was none too good to steal a man's last pancake if he was +hungry. To this day I have never found out who stole my pancake, but I +have not given up the search, and if I live to be as old as Methuselah, +and I find out the fellow that put himself outside my pancake that dark +night in the pine woods, I will gallop all over that old soldier, if he +is older than I am. That is the kind of avenger that is on the track of +that pancake-eater. I sat there and nodded over my remaining pancake, +clutched in my hands, and finally started to my feet in alarm. Suppose +I should fall asleep, and be robbed? The thought was maddening. I have +read of Indians who would eat enough at one sitting to last them several +days, and the thought occurred to me that if I ate the pancake my +enemies could not get it away from me, and perhaps it would digest +gradually, a little each day, and brace me up until we got where there +were rations plenty. So I sat there and deliberately eat every mouthful +of it, and looked around at the sleeping companions with triumph, laid +down and slept as peacefully on the ground as I ever slept in bed. + +There may be truth in the story about Indians eating enough to last them +a week, but it did not work in my case, for in the morning I was hungry +as a she wolf. The pancake had gone to work and digested itself right +at once, as though there was no end of food, and my stomach yearned for +something. I walked down by the quartermaster's wagons, about daylight, +and there was a four-mule team, each with a nose bag on, with corn in +it. The mules were eating corn, unconscious of a robber being near. At +home, where I had lived on good fresh meat, bread, pie, everything that +was good, nobody could have made me believe that I would steal corn from +a government mule, but when I heard the mules eating that corn a demon +possessed me, and I meditated robbery. I did not want to take all the +corn I wanted from one mule, so I decided to take toll from all of them. +I went up to the first one, and reached my hand down into the nose bag +beside the mule's mouth and rescued a handful of corn, then went to +another to do the same, but that mule kicked at the scheme. I went to +two others, and they laid their ears back and began to kick at the trace +chains, so I went back to my first love, the patient mule, and took +every last kernel of corn in the bag, and as I went away with a pocket +full of corn the mule looked at me with tears in its eyes, but I +couldn't be moved by no mule tears, with hunger gnawing at my vitals, so +I hurried away like a guilty thing. While I was parching the corn stolen +from the mule, in a half of a tin canteen, over the fire, the chaplain +came along and wanted to sample it. He was pretty hungry, but I wasn't +running a free boarding house for chaplains any more, and I told him he +must go forage for himself. He said he would give his birthright for a +pocket full of corn. I told him I didn't want any birthright, unless a +birthright would stay a man's stomach, but if he would promise to always +love, honor and obey me, I would tell him where he could get some corn. +He swore by the great bald headed Elijah that if I would steer him onto +some corn he would remember me the longest day he lived, and pray for +me. I never was very much, mashed on the chaplain's influence at the +throne, but I didn't want to see him starve, while government mules +were living on the fat of the land, so I told him to go down to the +quartermaster's corral and rob the mules as I had done. He bit like +a bass, and started for the mules. Honestly, I had no designs on the +chaplain, but he traded me a kicking mule once, and got a good horse +of me, because I thought he wanted to do me a favor. As he was familiar +with mules, I supposed he would know how to steal a little corn. Pretty +soon I heard a great commotion down there, and presently the chaplain +came out with a mule chasing him, its ears laid back, and blood in its +eyes. The chaplain was white as a sheet, and yelling for help. Before +I could knock the mule down with a neck-yoke, the animal had grabbed the +chaplain by the coat tail, with its mouth, taking some of his pants, +also, and perhaps a little skin, raised him up into the air, about seven +feet, let go of him, and tried to turn around and kick the good man on +the fly as he came down. We drove the mule away, rescued the chaplain, +tied his pants together with a piece of string, cut off the tail of his +coat which the mule had not torn off, so it was the same length as the +other one, and made him look quite presentable, though he said he _knew_ +he could never ride a horse again. It seems that instead of reaching +into the nose bag, and taking a little corn, he had unbuckled the nose +bag and taken it off. I told him he was a hog, and ought to have +known better than take the nose bag off, thus leaving the mule's mouth +unmuzzled, while the animal was irritated. He accused me of knowing that +the mule was vicious, and deliberately sending him there to be killed, +so rather than have any hard feelings I gave him a handful of my parched +corn. + +A few Sundays afterwards I heard him preach a sermon on the sin of +covetousness, and I thought how beautifully he could have illustrated +his sermon if he had turned around and showed his soldier audience where +the mule eat his coat tail. Soon we saddled up and marched another day +without food. Reader, were you ever so hungry that you could see, as +plain as though it was before you, a dinner-table set with a full meal, +roast beef, mashed potatoes, pie, all steaming hot, ready to sit down +to? If you have not been very hungry in your life, you can not believe +that one can be in a condition to see things. The man with delirium +tremens can see snakes, while the hungry man, in his delirium, can see +things he would like to eat. Many times during that day's ride through +the deserted pine-woods, with my eyes wide open, I could see no trees, +no ground, no horses and men around me, but there seemed a film over +the eyes, and through it I could see all of the good things I ever had +eaten. One moment there would be a steaming roast turkey, on a platter, +ready to be carved. Again I could see a kettle over a cook-stove, with a +pigeon pot-pie cooking, the dumpings, light as a feather, bobbing up and +down with the steam, and I could actually smell the odor of the cooking +pot-pie. It seems strange, and unbelievable to those who have never +experienced extreme hunger or thirst, that the imagination can picture +eatables and streams of running water, so plain that one will almost +reach for the eatables, or rush for the imaginary stream, to plunge in +and quench thirst, but I have experienced both of those sensations for +thirteen dollars a month, and nary a pension yet. It is such experiences +that bring gray hairs to the temples of young soldiers, and cause eyes +to become hollow and sunken in the head. Today, your Uncle Samuel has +not got silver dollars enough in his treasury to hire me to suffer one +day of such hunger as to make me see things that were not there, but +twenty-two years ago it was easy to have fun over it, and to laugh +it off the next day. When we stopped that day, at noon, to rest, the +company commissary sergeant came up to the company, with two men +carrying the hind quarter of an animal that had been slaughtered, and he +began to cut it up and issue it out to the men. It was peculiar looking +meat, but it was meat, and every fellow took his ration, and it was +not long before the smell of broiled fresh meat could be “heard” all +around. When I took my meat I asked the sergeant what it was, and where +he got it. I shall always remember his answer. It was this: + +“Young man, when you are starving, and the means of sustaining life +are given you, take your rations and go away, and don't ask any fool +questions. If you don't want it, leave it.” + +Leave it? Egad, I would have eaten it if it had been a Newfoundland dog, +and I took it, and cooked it, and ate it. I do not know, and never did, +what it was, but when the quartermaster's mule teams pulled out after +dinner, there were two “spike teams;”--that is, two wheel mules and a +single leader, instead of four-mule teams. After I saw the teams move +out, each mule looking mournful, as though each one thought his time +might come next, I didn't want to ask any questions about that meat, +though I know there wasn't a beef critter within fifty miles of us. I +have had my children ask me, many times, if I ever eat any mule in the +army, and I have always said that I did not know. And I don't. But I am +a great hand to mistrust. + +It was on this hungry day, when filled with meat such as I had never met +before that I did a thing I shall always regret. The captain came down +to the rear of the company and said, so we could all hear it. “I want +two men to volunteer for a perilous mission. I want two as brave men as +ever lived. Who will volunteer? Don't all speak at once. Take plenty of +time, for your lives may pay the penalty!” I had been feeling for some +days as though there was not the utmost confidence in my bravery, among +the men, and I had been studying as to whether I would desert, and +become a wanderer on the face of the earth, or do some desperate deed +that would make me solid with the boys, and when the captain called for +volunteers, I swallowed a large lump in my throat, and said, “Captain, +_here is your mule_. I will go!” Whether it was that confounded meat I +had eaten that had put a seeming bravery into me, or desperation at +the hunger of the past few days, I do not know, but I volunteered for +a perilous mission. A little Irishman named McCarty spoke up, and said, +“Captain, I will go anywhere that red headed recruit will go.” + +So it was settled that McCarty and myself should go, and with some +misgivings on my part we rode up to the front and reported. I thought +what a fool I was to volunteer, when I was liable to be killed, but I +was in for it, and there was no use squealing now. We came to a cross +road, and the captain whispered to us that we should camp there, and +that he had been told by a reliable contraband that up the cross road +about two miles was a house at which there was a sheep, and he wanted us +to go and take it. He said there might be rebels anywhere, and we were +liable to be ambushed and killed, but we must never come back alive +without sheep meat. Well, we started off. McCarty said I better ride a +little in advance so if we were ambushed, I would be killed first, and +he would rush back and inform the captain. I tried to argue with McCarty +that I being a recruit, and he a veteran, it would look better for him +to lead, but he said I volunteered first, and he would waive his rights +of precedence, and ride behind me. So we rode along, and I reflected on +my changed condition. A few short weeks ago I was a respected editor of +a country newspaper in Wisconsin, looked up to, to a certain extent, by +my neighbors, and now I had become a sheep thief. At home the occupation +of stealing sheep was considered pretty low down, and no man who +followed the business was countenanced by the best society. A sheep +thief, or one who was suspected of having a fondness for mutton not +belonging to him, was talked about. And for thirteen dollars a month, +and an insignificant bounty, I had become a sheep thief. If I ever run +another newspaper, after the war, how did I know but a vile contemporary +across the street would charge me with being a sheep thief, and prove +it by McCarty. May be this was a conspiracy on the part of the captain, +whom I suspected of a desire to run for office when we got home, to get +me in his power, so that if I went for him in my paper, he could charge +me with stealing sheep. It worked me up considerable, but we were out of +meat, and if there was a sheep in the vicinity, and I got it, there was +one thing sure, they couldn't get any more mule down me. So we rode up +to the plantation, which was apparently deserted. There was a lamb about +two-thirds grown, in the front yard, and McCarty and myself dismounted +and proceeded to surround the young sheep. As we walked up to it, the +lamb came up to me bleating, licked my hand, and then I noticed there +was a little sleigh-bell tied to its neck with a blue ribbon. The lamb +looked up at us with almost human eyes, and I was going to suggest that +we let it alone, when McCarty grabbed it by the hind legs and was going +to strap it to his saddle, when it set up a bleating, and a little boy +come rushing out of the house, a bright little fellow about three years +old, who could hardly talk plain. I wanted to hug him, he looked so much +like a little black-eyed baby at home, that was too awfully small to say +“good bye, papa” when I left. The little fellow, with the dignity of an +emperor, said, “Here, sir, you must not hurt my little pet lamb. Put +him down, sir, or I will call the servants and have you put off the +premises.” McCarty laughed, and said the lamb would be fine 'atin for +the boy's, and was pulling the little thing up, when the tears came into +the boy's eyes, and that settled it. I said, “Mac, for heaven's sake, +drop that lamb. I wouldn't break that little boy's heart for all the +sheep-meat on earth. I will eat mule, or dog, but I draw the line at +children's household pets. Let the lamb go.” “Begorra, yer right,” + said McCarty, as he let the lamb down. “Luk at how the shep runs to +the little bye. Ah, me little mon, yer pet shall not be taken away from +yez,” and a big tear ran down McCarty's face. The boy said there was a +great big sheep in the back yard we could have, if we were hungry, and +we went around the house to see. There was an old black ram that looked +as though he could whip a regiment of soldiers, but we decided that he +was our meat. McCarty suggested that I throw a lariet rope around his +horns, and lead him, whiles, he would go behind and drive the animal. +That looked feasible, and taking a horse-hair picket rope off my saddle, +with a slip noose in the end, I tossed it over the horns of the ram, +tied the rope to the saddle, and started. The ram went along all right +till we got out to the road, when he held back a little. Mac jabbed +the ram in the rear with his saber, and he came along all right, only +a little too sudden. That was one of the mistakes of the war, Mac's +pricking that ram, and it has been the source of much study on my part, +for twenty-two years, as to whether the Irishman did it on purpose, +knowing the ram would charge on my horse, and butt my steed in the hind +legs. If that was the plan of the Irishman, it worked well, for the +first thing I knew my horse jumped about eighteen feet, and started down +the road towards camp, on a run, dragging the ram, which was bellowing +for all that was out. I tried to hold the horse in a little, but every +time he slackened up the ram would gather himself and run his head full +tilt against the horse, and away he would go again. Sometimes the ram +was flying through the air, at the end of the rope, then it would be +dragged in the sand, and again it would strike on its feet, and all +the time the ram was blatting, and the confounded Irishman was yelling +and laughing. + +[Illustration: We went into the camp that way 131] + +We went into the camp that way, and the whole regiment, hearing the +noise, turned out to see us come in. As my horse stopped, and the +ram was caught by a colored man, who tied its legs, I realized the +ridiculousness of the scene, and would have gone off somewhere alone and +hated myself, or killed the Irishman, but just then I saw the captain, +and I said, “Captain, I have to report that the perilous expedition was +a success. There's your sheep,” and I rode away, resolved that that was +the last time I should ever volunteer for perilous duty. The Irishman +was telling a crowd of boys the particulars, and they were having a +great laugh, when I said: + +“McCarty, you are a villain. I believe you set that ram on to me on +purpose. Henceforth we are strangers.” + +“Be gob,” said the Irishman, as he held his sides with laughter, “yez +towld me to drive the shape, and didn't I obey?” + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + Bacon and Hard-tack--In Danger of Ague--In Search of Whisky + and Quinine--I Am Appointed Corporal--I Make a Speech--I Am + the Leader of Ten Picked Men--I Am Willing to Resign. + +The next day we arrived at a post where rations were plenty, and where +it was announced we should remain for a week or two, so we drew tents +and made ourselves as comfortable as possible. It did seem good to again +be where we did not have to depend on our own resources, of stealing, +for what we wanted to eat. To be able to draw from the commissary +regular rations of meat, tea, coffee, sugar, baker's bread, and beans, +was joy indeed, after what we had gone through, and we almost made hogs +of ourselves. There was one thing--those few days of starvation taught +us a lesson, and that was, when ordered on a trip with two days' +rations, to take at least enough for six days, especially of coffee and +salt pork or bacon. With coffee and a piece of old smoked bacon, a man +can exist a long time. I remember after that trip, wherever I went, +there was a chunk of bacon in one of my saddle-bags that nobody knew +anything about, and many a time, on long marches, when hunger would have +been experienced almost as severe as the time written about last week, +I would take out my chunk of bacon, cut off a piece and spread it on +a hard-tack, and eat a meal that was more strengthening than any meal +Delmonico ever spread. It was at this post that the boys in the regiment +played a trick that caused much fun throughout all the army. There +were a few men in each company who had the chills and fever, or ague, +and the surgeon gave them each morning, a dose of whisky and quinine. It +was interesting to see a dozen soldiers go to surgeon's call, take +their “bitters,” and return to their quarters. The boys would go to the +surgeon's tent sort of languid, and drag along, and after swallowing a +good swig of whisky and quinine they would walk back to their quarters +swinging their arms like Pat Rooney on the stage, and act as though they +could whip their weight in wild cats. I got acquainted with the hospital +steward, and he said if the boys were not careful they would all be down +with the ague, and that an ounce of prevention was worth more than a +pound of cure. I thought I would take advantage of his advice, so I fell +in with the sick fellows the next morning, and when the doctor asked, +“What's the matter?” I said “chills,” and he said, “Take a swallow out +of the red bottle.” I took a swallow, and it _was_ bitter, but it had +whisky in it, more than quinine, and the idea of beating the government +out of a drink of whisky was pleasure enough to overcome the bitter +taste. I took a big swallow, and before I got back to my quarters I had +had a fight with a mule-driver, and when the quartermaster interfered I +had insulted him by telling him I knew him when he carried a hod, before +the war, and I shouted, “Mort, more mort!” until he was going to lather +me with a mule whip, but he couldn't catch me. As I run by the surgeon's +tent, somebody remarked that I had experienced a remarkably sudden +cure for chills. The whisky was not real good, but as I had heard the +hospital steward say they had just put in a requisition for two barrels +of it, to be prepared for an epidemic of chills, I thought the boys +ought to know it, so that day I went around to the different companies +and told the boys how to play it for a drink. There are very few +soldiers, in the best regiment, that will not take a drink of whisky +when far away from home, discouraged, and worn out by marching, and +our fellows looked favorably upon the proposition to all turn out to +surgeon's call the next morning. I shall never forget the look on the +face of the good old surgeon, as the boys formed in line in front of his +tent the next morning. The last time I saw him, he was in his coffin, +about five years ago, at the soldier's home, and a few of the survivors +of the regiment that lived here had gone out to the home to take a last +look at him, and act as mourners at the funeral. He looked much older +than when he used to ask us fellows the conumdrum, “What's the matter?” + but there was that same look on his white, cold face that there was the +morning that nearly the whole regiment reported for “bitters.” + +There must have been four hundred men in line, and it happened that I +was the first to be called. When he asked me about my condition, and +I told him of the chills, he studied a minute, then looked at me, and +said, You are bilious, David, give him a dose of castor oil. I know I +turned pale, for it was a great come down from quinine and whisky to +castor oil, for a healthy man, and I kicked. I told him I had the shakes +awfully, and all I wanted was a quinine powder. I knew they had put all +their quinine into a barrel of whisky, so I was safe in asking for dry +quinine. The good old gentleman finally relented on the castor oil, and +told David to give me a swallow of the quinine bitters, but there was a +twinkle in his eye, as he noticed what a big swallow I took, and then he +said, “You will be well tomorrow; you needn't come again.” I dropped out +of the ranks, with my skin full of quinine and whisky, and watched the +other fellows. + +There were men in the line who had never been sick a day since they +enlisted, big fellows that would fight all day, and stand picket all +night, and who never knew what it was to have an ache. And it was +amusing to see them appear to shake, and to act as though they had +chills. Some of them could not keep from laughing, and it was evident +that the doctor had his doubts about there being so many cases of +chills, but he dosed out the quinine and whisky as long as there was a +man who shook. As each man took his dose, he would show two expressions +on his face. One was an expression of hilarity at putting himself +outside of a good swig of whisky, and the other was an expression of +contempt for the bitter quinine, and an evident wish that the drug +might be left out. When all had been served, they lingered around the +surgeon's quarters, talking with each other and laughing, others formed +on for a stag quadrille, and danced, while a nigger fiddled. Some +seemed to feel as though they wanted some one to knock a chip off +their shoulders, old grudges were talked over, and several fights were +prevented by the interference of friends who were jolly and happy, and +who did not believe in fighting for fun, when there was so much fighting +to be done in the way of business. The old doctor walked up and down in +front of his tent in a deep study. He was evidently thinking over +the epidemic of ague that had broken out in a healthy regiment, and +speculating as to its cause. Suddenly an idea seemed to strike him, and +he walked up to a crowd of his patients, who were watching a couple of +athletes, who had just taken their quinine, and who had put on boxing +gloves and were pasting each other in the nose. “One moment,” said the +old doctor. The boys stopped boxing, and every last “sick” man listened +respectfully to what the old doctor said; “Boys,” said he, “you have got +it on me this time. I don't believe a confounded one of you have got +ague at all. You 'shook me' for the whisky. After this, quinine will +be dealt out raw, without any whisky, and now you can shake all you +please.” Some one proposed three cheers for the boys that had made Uncle +Sam stand treat, and the cheers were given, and the boys separated to +talk over the event. The next morning only the usual number of sick were +in attendance at surgeon's call. The healthy fellows didn't want to take +quinine raw. + +About this time an incident occurred that was fraught with great +importance to the country and to me, though the historians of the war +have been silent about it in their histories, whether through jealousy +or something else I do not know, and modesty has prevented me from +making any inquiries as to the cause. The incident alluded to was my +appointment as corporal of my company. I say the incident was “fraught” + with importance. I do not know the meaning of the word fraught, but it +is frequently used in history in that connection, and I throw it in, +believing that it is a pretty good word. The appointment came to me like +a stroke of paralysis. I was not conscious that my career as a soldier +had been such as to merit promotion, I could not recall my particularly +brilliant military achievement that would warrant my government +selecting me from the ranks and conferring honors upon me, unless it +was my lasooing that ram and dragging him into camp, when we were out of +meat. But it was not my place to inquire into the cause that had led to +my sudden promotion over the rank and file. I thought if I made too many +inquiries it would be discovered that I was not such an all-fired great +soldier after all. If the government had somehow got the impression that +I was well calculated to lead hosts to victory, and it was an erroneous +impression, it was the governments' place to find it out without any +help on my part. I would accept the position with a certain dignity, as +though I knew that it was inevitable that I must sooner or later come +to the front. So when the captain informed me that he should appoint me +Corporal, I told him that I thanked him, and through him, the Nation, +and would try and perform the duties of the exacting and important +position to the best of my ability, and hoped that I might not do +anything that would bring discredit upon our distracted country. He said +that would be all right, that he had no doubt the country would pull +through. That evening at dress parade the appointment was read, and I +felt elated. I thought it singular that the regiment did not break out +into cheers, and make the welkin ring, though they may not have had +any welkin to ring. However, I thought it was my duty to make a little +speech, acknowledging the honor conferred upon me, as I had read that +generals and colonels did when promoted. I took off my hat and said, +“Fellow soldiers.” That was the end of my speech, for the captain turned +around and said to the orderly sergeant, “Stop that red-headed cusses +mouth some way,” and the orderly told me to dry up. Everybody was +laughing, I supposed, at the captain. Anyway, I felt hurt, and when we +got back to camp the boys of all the companies surrounded me to offer +congratulations, and I was called on for a speech. Not being in the +ranks, nobody could prevent me from speaking, so I got up on a +barrel, and said: + +“Fellow Soldiers:--As I was about to remark, when interrupted by the +captain, on dress parade, this office has come to me entirely unsought. +It has not been my wish to wear the gilded trappings of office and +command men, but rather to fight in the ranks, a private soldier. I +enlisted as a private, and my ambition has been to remain in the ranks +to the end of the war. But circumstances over which I have no control +has taken me and placed me on the high pinnacle of Corporal, and I must +bow to the decree of fate. Of course, in my new position there must +necessarily be a certain gulf between us. I have noticed that there has +been a gulf between me and the officers, and I have thought it wrong. I +have thought that privates and officers should mingle together freely, +and share each others secrets, privations and rations. But since being +promoted I can readily see that such things cannot be. The private has +his position and the officer has his, and each must be separate. It is +not my intention to make any radical changes in the conduct of military +affairs at present, allowing things to go along about as they have, but +as soon as I have a chance to look about me, certain changes will be +made. All I ask is that you, my fellow soldiers, shall stand by me, +follow where I shall lead and--” + +At this point in my address the head of the barrel on which I stood fell +in with a dull thud, and I found myself up to the neck in corned-beef +brine. The boys set up a shout, some fellow kicked over the barrel, and +they began to roll it around the camp with me in it. + +[Illustration: Just promoted to the proud position of Corporal 141] + +This was a pretty position for a man just promoted to the proud position +of Corporal. As they rolled me about and yelled like Indians, I could +see that an official position in that regiment was to be no sinecure. +All official positions have more or less care and responsibility, but +this one seemed to me to have too much. Finally they spilled me out of +the barrel, and I was a sight to behold. My first idea was to order the +whole two hundred fellows under arrest, and have them court-martialed +for conduct unbecoming soldiers; but on second thought I concluded that +would seem an arbitrary use of power, so I concluded to laugh it off. +One fellow said they begged pardon for any seeming disrespect to an +official; but it had always been customary in the regiment to initiate a +corporal who was new and too fresh with salt brine. I said that was all +right, and I invited them all up to the chaplain's tent to join me in a +glass of wine. The chaplain was away, and I knew he had received a keg +of wine from the sanitary commission that day, so we went up to his tent +and drank it, and everything passed off pleasantly until the chaplain +happened in. The boys dispersed as soon as he came, and left me to fight +it out with the good man. He was the maddest truly good man I have ever +seen. I tried to explain about my promotion, and that it was customary +to set em up for the boys, and that there was no saloon near, and +that he had always told me to help myself to anything I wanted; but +he wouldn't be calm at all. I tried to quote from Paul's epistle about +taking a little wine for the stomach-ache; but he just raved around and +called me names, until I had to tell him that if he kept on I would, in +my official capacity as corporal, place him under arrest. That seemed +to calm him a little, for he laughed, and finally he said I smelled of +stale corned-beef, and he kicked me out of his tent, and I retired to +my quarters to study over the mutability of human affairs, and the +unpleasant features of holding official position. + +That night I dreamed that General Grant and myself were running the +army in splendid shape, and that we were in-receipt of constant +congratulations from a grateful country, for victories. He and I seemed +to be great chums. I dreamed of engagements with the enemy, in which I +led men against fearful odds, and always came out victorious. I woke +up before daylight and was wondering what dangerous duty I would be +detailed to lead men upon, when the orderly poked his head in my tent +and told me I was detailed to take ten picked men, at daylight, for hard +service, and to report at once. I felt that my time had come to achieve +renown, and I dressed myself with unusual care, putting on the blouse +with two rows of buttons, which I had brought from home. I borrowed a +pair of Corporal's chevrons and sewed them to the sleeves of my blouse, +and was ready to die, if need be. I placed a Testament I had brought +from home, inside my blouse, in a breast pocket, as I had read of +many cases where a Testament had been struck with a bullet and saved a +soldier's life. I placed all my keepsakes in a package, and told my tent +mate that I was going out with ten picked men, and it was possible I +might never show up again, and if I fell he was to send the articles +to my family. I wondered that I did not feel afraid to die. I was no +professor of religion, though I had always tried to do the square thing +all around, but with no consolation of religion at all, I felt a sweet +peace that was indescribable. If it was my fate to fall in defence of my +country, at the head of ten picked men, so be it. Somebody must die, and +why not me. I was no better than thousands of others, and while life was +sweet to me, and I had anticipated much pleasure in life, after the war, +in shooting ducks and holding office, I was willing to give up all hope +of pleasure in the future, and die like a thoroughbred. I was glad that +I had been promoted, and wondered if they would put “Corporal” on my +tombstone. I wondered, if I fell that day at the head of my mem, if +the papers at the North, and particularly in Wisconsin, would say “The +deceased had just been promoted, for gallant conduct, to the position of +Corporal, and it will be hard to fill his place.” With these thoughts +I sadly reported to the orderly. The ten picked men were in line. They +were four of them Irishmen, two Yankees, two Germans, a Welshman and a +Scotchman. The orderly gave me a paper, sealed in an envelope. I turned +to my men, and said, “Boys, whatever happens today, I don't want to see +any man show the white feather. The world will read the accounts of this +day's work with feelings of awe, and the country will care for those +we leave behind.” We started off, and it occurred to me to read my +instructions. I opened the envelope with the air of a general who was +accustomed to receive important messages. I read it, and almost fainted, +It read “Report to the quartermaster, at the steamboat landing, to +unload quartermaster's stores from steamer Gazelle.” Ye gods! And this +was the hard service that I was to lead ten picked men into. They had +picked out ten stevedores, to carry sacks of corn, and hard-tack boxes, +and barrels of pork, and that was the action I was to engage in as my +first duty as corporal. + +I almost cried. We rode down to the landing, where a dozen teams were +waiting to be loaded. It was all I could do to break the news to my +picked men that they were expected to lug sacks of corn instead of fight, +and when I did they kicked at once. One of the Irishmen said he would be +teetotally d----d if he enlisted to carry corn for mules, and he would +lay in the guard-house till the war was over before he would lift a +sack. There was a strike on my hands to start on. I was sorry that I had +permitted myself to be promoted to Corporal. Trouble from the outset. +One of the Yankees suggested that we hold an indignation meeting, so we +rode up in front of a cotton warehouse and dismounted. The Scotchman was +appointed chairman, and for half an hour the ten picked men discussed +the indignity that was attempted to be heaped upon them, by compelling +them to do the work of niggers. + +They argued that a cavalry soldier's duty was exclusively to ride on +horseback, and that there was no power on earth to compel them to carry +sacks of corn. One of the Dutchmen said he could never look a soldier in +the face again after doing such menial duty, and he would not submit to +it. The Scotch chairman said if he had read the articles of war right +there was no clause that said that the cavalry man should leave his +horse and carry corn. I was called upon for my opinion, and said that I +was a little green as to the duties of a soldier, but supposed we had to +do anything we were ordered to do, but it seemed a little tough. I told +them I didn't want any mutiny, and it would be a plain case of mutiny +if they refused to work. One of the Irishmen asked if I would help carry +sacks of corn, and I told him that as commander of the expedition it +would be plainly improper for me to descend to a common day laborer. +I held it to be the duty of a corporal to stand around and see the men +work. They all said that was too thin, and I would have to peel on my +coat and work if they did. I told them I couldn't lift a sack of corn +to save me, but they said if that was the case I ought not to have come. +The quartermaster was looking around for the detail that was to unload +the boat, and he asked me if I had charge of the men detailed to unload. +I told him that I _did_ have charge of them when we left camp, but +that they had charge of me now, and said they wouldn't lift a pound. He +thought a minute, and said, “I don't like to see you boys carrying corn +sacks, and rolling pork barrels. Why don't you chip in and hire some +niggers.” The idea seemed inspired. There were plenty of niggers around +that would work for a little money. One of the Irishmen moved that the +Corporal hire ten niggers to unload the quartermasters stores, and the +motion was carried unanimously. I would have voted against it, but the +Scotchman, who was chairman, ruled that I had no right to vote. So I +went and found ten niggers that agreed to work for fifty cents each, and +they were set to work, the quartermaster promising not to tell in camp +about my hiring the work done. One of my Dutchmen moved that, inasmuch +as we had nothing to do all day, that we take in the town, and play +billiards, and whoop it up until the boat was unloaded. That seemed a +reasonable proposition, and the motion carried, after an amendment had +been added to the effect that the Corporal stay on the boat and watch +the niggers, and see that they didn't shirk. So my first command, my ten +picked men, rode off up town, and I set on a wagon and watched my hired +men. It was four o clock in the afternoon before the stuff was all +loaded, and after paying the niggers five dollars out of my own pocket, +some of my bounty money, I went up to town to round up my picked men to +take them to camp. I found the Scotchman pretty full of Scotch whisky. +He had found a countryman who kept a tailor shop, who had a bag pipe, +and they were having a high old time playing on the instrument, and +singing Scotch songs. I got him on his horse, and we looked for the +rest. The two Germans were in a saloon playing pee-nuckel, and singing +German songs, and their skins were pretty full of beer and cheese. They +were got into the ranks, and we found the Irishmen playing forty-five +in a saloon kept by a countryman of theirs, and they had evidently had +a shindig, as one of them had a black eye and a scratch on his nose, and +they were full of fighting whisky. The Yankees had swelled up on some +kind of benzine and had hired a hack and taken two women out riding, and +when we rounded them up each one had his feet out of the window of the +hack, and they were enjoying themselves immensely. The Welchman was the +only one that was sober, but the boys said there was not enough liquor +in the South to get him drunk. When I got them all mounted they looked +as though they had been to a banquet. We started for camp, but I did not +want to take them in until after dark, so we rode around the suburbs of +the town until night drew her sable mantle over the scene. They insisted +on singing until within half a mile of camp, and it would no doubt have +been good music, only the Scotchman insisted on singing “The March of +the Cameron Men,” while the Irishmen sung “Lots of fun at Finnegan's +Wake,” and the German's sung “Wacht am Rhine.” The Yankees sung the +“Star Spangled Banner,” and the Welchman sung something in the Welch +language which was worse than all. All the songs being sung together, +of course I couldn't enjoy either of them as well as a Corporal ought +to enjoy the music of his command. Arriving near camp, the music was +hushed, and we rode in, and up to the captain's tent, where I reported +that the corn was unloaded, all right. He said that was all right. +Everything would have passed off splendidly, only one of the Irishmen +proposed “three cheers” for the dandy Corporal of the regiment, and +those inebriated, picked men, gave three cheers that raised the roof of +the colonel's tent near by, because I had hired niggers to do the work, +and let the men have a holiday. I dismissed them as quick as I could, +but the colonel sent for me, and I had to tell him the whole story. He +said I would demoralize the whole regiment in a week more, and I +better let up or he would have to discipline me. I offered to resign my +commission as Corporal, but he said I better hold on till we could have +a fight, and may be I would get killed. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + Yearnings for Military Fame--What I Want is a Chance--I Feel + I Could Crush the Rebellion--My Chance Arrives--I am + Crushed--The Rebellion Remains Pretty Well. + +As I could get no one to accept my resignation as corporal, which I +tendered after my first service in that capacity, unloading a steamboat, +I decided to post myself as to the duties of the position, so I borrowed +a copy of “Hardee's Tactics,” and studied a good deal. Every place +in the book that mentioned the word “corporal,” had a particular and +thrilling interest for me, and I soon got so it would have been easy for +me to have done almost anything that a corporal would have to do. But +I was not contented to study the duty of a corporal. I read about +the “school of the company,” and the “school of the regiment,” and +“battalion drills,” and everything, until I could handle a regiment, or +a brigade, for that matter, as well as any officer in the army, in my +mind. This led me to go farther, and I borrowed a copy of a large blue +book the colonel had, the name of which I do not remember now, but +it was all military, and told how to conduct a battle successfully. I +studied that book until I got the thing down so fine that I could have +fought the battle of Gettysburg successfully, and I longed for a chance +to show what I knew about military science and strategy. It seemed +wonderful to me that one small red-head could contain so much knowledge +about military affairs, and I felt a pity for some officers I knew who +never had studied at all, and did not know anything except what they +had picked up. I fought battles in my mind, day and night. Some nights +I would lay awake till after midnight, planning campaigns, laying +out battle-fields, and marching men against the enemy, who fought +stubbornly, but I always came out victorious, and then I would go to +sleep and dream that the President and secretary of war had got on to +me, as it were, and had offered me high positions, and I would wake +up in the morning the same red-headed corporal, and cook my breakfast. +Sometimes I thought it my duty to inform the government, in some round +about way, what a bonanza the country had in me, if my talent could only +be utilized by placing me where I would have a chance to distinguish +myself, and bring victory to our arms. I reflected that Grant, and +Sherman, and Sheridan, and all of the great generals, were once +corporals, and by study they had risen. + +There was not one of them that could dream out a battle, and a victory +any better that I could. All I wanted was a chance. Just give me men +enough, and turn me loose in the Southern Confederacy, with that head of +mine, and the result would be all an anxious nation could desire. + +My first chance came sooner than I expected. The next day a part of +the regiment went out on a scout, to be gone a couple of days, and my +company was along. I was unusually absorbed in thought, and wondered if +I would be given a chance to do anything. It seemed reasonable that if +any corporal was sent out with a squad of men, to fight, it would be +an old corporal, while if there was any duty that was menial, the new +corporals would get it. The second day out we stopped at noon to let +our horses rest, when little scouting parties that had been sent out on +different roads during the forenoon, began to come in. Many of them had +picked up straggling rebels, and brought them to damp, and they were +carefully guarded, and the major, who was in command of our party, was +asking them questions, and pumping them to find out all he could. I +went over and looked at them, and they were quite a nice looking lot +of fellows, some being officers, with plenty of gold lace on their gray +suits. They were home from the Confederate army on a leave of absence, +probably recruiting. After talking with a rebel officer for a time the +major turned to the adjutant and said, “send me a corporal and ten +men.” The adjutant started, on, and I followed him. I used to know the +adjutant when he taught a district school, before the war, and I asked +him as a special favor to let me be the corporal. He said the detail +would be from my company, and if I could fix it with the orderly +sergeant of my company it was all right. I rushed to my company and +found the orderly, and got him to promise if there was a detail from the +company that day, I could go. Before the words were out of his mouth the +detail came, and in five minutes I reported to the major with ten men. +The major simply told me that a certain rebel captain, from Lee's army, +was reported to be at home, and his plantation was about four miles +east, and he described it to me. He told me to ride out there, surround +the house, capture the captain, and bring him into camp. + +No general ever received his orders in regard to fighting a battle, with +a feeling of greater pride and responsibililty than I did my orders +to capture that rebel. We started out, and then for the first time I +noticed that there was another corporal in the squad with, me, and +at once it occurred to me that he might claim a part of the glory +of capturing the rebel. I had heard of the jealousy existing between +generals, and how the partisans of different generals filled the +newspapers, after a battle, with accounts of the part taken by their +favorites, and that the accounts got so mixed, up that the reader +couldn't tell to whom the credit of success was due, and I decided to +take prompt measure with this supernumerary corporal, who had evidently +got in by mistake, so I told him he might go back to the regiment. He +said he guessed not. He had been detailed to go on the scout, and he was +going, if he knew himself, and he thought he did. He said when it come +right down to rank, he was an older corporal than I was, and could take +command of the squad if he wanted to. I told him he was mistaken as to +his position. That if the major had wanted him to take charge of the +expedition, he would have given him the instructions, but as the major +had given me the instructions, in a low tone of voice, nobody but myself +knew where we were going or what we were going for, and that I was +responsible, and the first intimation I had from him that he wanted to +mutiny, or relieve me from my command, I would have him shot at once. +I told him he could go along, but he must keep his mouth shut, and obey +orders. He said he would obey, if he felt like it. We moved on, and I +would have given a month's pay if that corporal had not been there. In a +short time we were in sight of the house, and at a cross road I told the +corporal to take one man and stop there, until further orders, and if +any rebel came along, to capture him. He was willing enough to stay +there, because there was a patch, of musk melons just over the fence. I +moved my remaining eight men to a high piece of ground near the house, +and halted, to look over the field of battle. Pulling a spy glass from +my pocket, which I had borrowed from the sutler, I surveyed, as near +like a general as possible, the situation. On one side of the house +was a ravine, which I decided must be held at all hazards, and after +studying my copy of tactics a moment, I sent an Irishman over there to +hold the key to the situation, and told him he might consider himself +the Iron Brigade. The lay of the ground reminded me much of pictures I +had seen of the battle of Bull Run, and the road on which I had left +the corporal and one man, was the road to Washington, on which we would +retreat, if overcome by the enemy. To the right of the ravine, which was +held by the Iron Brigade, I noticed a hen-house with a gate leading back +to the nigger quarters, and I called a soldier and told him to make a +detour behind a piece of woods, and at a signal from me, the waving of +my right arm, to charge directly to the gate of the hen-house, and +hold it against any force that might attempt to carry it, and to let +no guilty man escape. Fifteen years afterwards Gen. Grant used those +self-same words, “Let no guilty man escape,” and they became historic, +but I will take my oath I was the first commander to use the words, +when I sent that man to hold the gate of the hen-house. That man I +denominated the First Division. Farther to the right was a field of +sweet potatoes, in which was a colored man digging the potatoes. I sent +a Dutchman to hold that field, with their right resting on the left of +the First Division, located at the gate of the hen-house, whose right +was supposed to rest on the left of the Iron Brigade, the Irishman who +commanded the ravine. Then I turned my attention to the left of the +battle-field, placed one man at the milk-house, with his left resting on +the right of the Irishman, and a man at the smoke-house. This left three +men, one of whom I appointed an aid de camp, one an orderly and the +other I held as a reserve, at a cotton gin. When I had got my army into +position, I sat under a tree and reflected a little, and concluded that +the Iron Brigade was in rather too exposed a position, so I sent my aid +de camp to order the Iron Brigade to move forward, under cover of the +ravine, and take a position behind a mule-shed. The aide soon returned +and reported that the Iron Brigade had taken off his shirt and kanoodled +a negro woman to wash it for him, and would not be able to move until +the shirt was dry. + +This altered my plans a little, but I was equal to the emergency, and +ordered my reserve to make a detour and take the mule-shed, and hold it +until relieved by the Iron Brigade, which would be as soon as his shirt +was dry, and then to report to me on the field. Then I took my aide and +orderly, and galloped around the lines, to see that all was right. I +found that the First Division, holding the gate of the hen-house, was +well in hand, though he had killed five chickens, and had them strapped +on his saddle, and was trying to cut off the head of another with his +sabre. He said he thought I said to let no guilty hen escape. I found +the Iron Brigade dismounted, his shirt hung on a line to dry, and the +colored woman had been pressed into the Federal service, and was frying +a chicken for the Brigade. I told him to get his shirt on as soon as it +was dry, and move by forced marches, to relieve the force holding the +mule-shed, and the Iron Brigade said he would as soon as he had his +dinner. I found the Division composed of the Dutchman, stubbornly +holding the sweet-potato field, and he was eating some boiled ham and +corn-bread he had sent the nigger to the house after, and he had a +bushel of sweet-potatoes in a sack strapped to his saddle. The force +at the milk-house had a fine position, and gave me a pitcher of +butter-milk, which I drank with great gusto. I do not know as there is +anything in butter-milk that is stimulating, but after drinking it +my head seemed clearer, and I could see the whole battle-field, and +anticipate each movement I should cause to be made. I was so pleased +with the butter-milk, on the eve of battle, that I ordered the second +Division to fill my canteen with it, which he did. Then I rode back to +my headquarters, where I started from, having ridden clear around +the beleaguered plantation. Presently the reserve returned to me and +reported that he had been relieved by the Iron Brigade at the mule-shed, +whose shirt had become dry, and who had given the reserve a leg of +fried chicken, and a corn dodger. I took the leg of chicken away from my +reserve, eat it with great relish, and prepared for the onslaught, the +reserve picking some persimmons off a tree and eating them for lunch. +I was about to order the different divisions and brigades of my army to +advance from their different positions, and close in on the enemy, when +a colored man came out of the house and moved toward me, signalling +that he would fain converse with me. I struck a dignified attitude, by +throwing my right leg over the pommel of the saddle, like a hired girl +riding a plow-horse to town after a doctor, and waited. When he came up +to me, he said, “Massa wants to know what all dis darn foolishness is +about. He says if you all don't go away from here he will shoot de liver +outen you all.” I told the negro to be calm, and not cause me to resort +to extreme measures, and I asked him if his master was at home. He said +he was, and he was a bad man wid a gun. He had killed plenty of men +before the war, and since the war he had killed more Yankees than enough +to build a rail-fence around the plantation. I did not exactly like the +reports in regard to the enemy. I told the colored man to take a flag of +truce to his master, and tell him I would like an interview. The colored +man went to the house, and I sent for the Iron Brigade to report to +me at once, in light marching order, and the Irishman came riding up +without any shirt on. I caused the Brigade to put on his shirt, when I +sent him to the house, to follow the nag of truce and feel of the enemy. +He went to the house, and was evidently invited in, for he disappeared. +I waited half an hour for him, and as he did not show up, I called the +Second Division, and sent the Dutchman to the house. The Second Division +went in, and did not come out. I ordered the whole right wing of my army +to deploy to my support, and the fellow at the hen-house gate came, and +I sent him in after the Irishman and the Dutchman. He didn't come back, +and I sent an orderly after the force stationed at the milk-house, and +he came, and I sent him, with the same result. It was evident I was +frittering away my command, with no good result, so I looked at my +tactics, and decided to hold a council of war. My aide, orderly, and +reserve, three besides myself, composed the council of war. We three +were in favor of ordering up the other corporal and man from the +cross-roads, but I opposed it. I did not want the other corporal to have +any finger in the pie. So I decided that the four of us would go in a +body to the house and demand the surrender of the rebel captain. We +rode down the lane where the other men had gone, and it was a question +whether we ever came back alive. I thought they had a trap door in the +house, which probably let the soldiers down suddenly into a dungeon. +Certainly unless there was something of the kind my men would have come +back. As we dismounted at the door; and walked up the steps, the door +opened and a fine looking rebel officer appeared smiling. + +“Come in, Captain, with your men, and join me in a glass of wine,” said +the rebel. + +I had never been called “Captain” before, and it touched me in a tender +spot. The rebel evidently thought I looked like a captain, and I was +proud. He had probably watched my maneuvers, and the way I handled my +men, and thought I was no common soldier. + +“Well, I don't care if I do,” said I, and we walked into a splendid old +room, and were bidden to be seated. + +“Hello, Corp,” said my Iron Brigade, as he took his legs down from a +table, and poured out a glass of whisky from a bottle near him, “This is +the divil's own place for an aisy life.” + +“Gorporal,” said my Dutch fellow soldier, as he poured out a glass of +schnapps, “Led me indroduce you mit dot repel. He is a tasy, und +don'd you forgot aboud it. Mishder repel, dot ish der gorporal fun my +gumpany.” + +The rebel smiled and said he was glad to see me, and hoped I was well, +and would I take wine, or something stronger. I took a small glass of +wine, but the rest of the fellows took strong drink, and my Iron Brigade +was already full, and the Dutchman was getting full rapidly. Finally I +told the rebel officer that I did not like to accept a man's hospitality +when I had such an unpleasant duty to perform as to arrest him, but +circumstances seemed to make it necessary. He said that was all right. +In times of war we must do many things that were unpleasant. We took +another drink, and then I told him I was sorry to inconvenience him, +but he would have to accompany me to camp. He said certainly, he had +expected to be captured ever since he saw that the house was surrounded, +and while at first he had made up his mind to take his rifle and kill +us all from the gallery of the house, he had thought better of it, and +would surrender without bloodshed. What was the use of killing any more +men? The war was nearly over, and why not submit, and save carnage. I +told him that was the way I felt about it. Then he said if I would wait +until he retired to an adjoining room and changed his linen, he would be +ready. I said of course, certainly, and he went out of a door. I waited +about half an hour, until it seemed to me the rebel had had time to +change all the linen in the state of Alabama. The Iron Brigade had gone +to sleep on a lounge, and the German troop was full as a goat, and some +of the others were beginning to feel the hospitality. + +“I beg your pardon for intruding,” said I, as I opened the door and +walked into the room the rebel had entered. “Great Scott, he is gone!” + +My army, all except the Iron Brigade and the Dutchman, followed me, and +the room was empty. A window was up, through which he had escaped. We +searched the house, but there was no rebel captain. On going to the +front door I found that the horse belonging to the iron brigade was +gone, and that the saddle girths of all the other horses had been +unbuckled, so we would be delayed in following him. The Irishman was +awakened, and when he found his horse was gone, he sobered up and went +to the pasture and borrowed a mule to ride. + +It took us half an hour to fix our saddles, so we could ride, and then +we sadly started for camp. How could I face the major, and report to +him that I had met the rebel captain, talked with him, drank with +him, enjoyed his hospitality, and then let him escape? I felt that my +military career had come to an inglorious ending. “We rode slow, because +the Iron Brigade was insecurely mounted on a slippery bare-backed mule. +As we neared the corporal and one man, that I had left to guard the +cross-roads, I noticed that there was a stranger with them, and on +riding closer what was my surprise to find that it was the rebel +captain, under arrest. So the confounded corporal, whom I had left there +so he would be out of the way, and not get any of the glory of capturing +the rebel, had captured him, and got _all_ the glory. I was hurt, but +putting on a bold military air, like a general who has been whipped, I +said: + +“Ah, corporal, I see my plan has worked successfully. I arranged it so +this prisoner would run right into the trap.” + +“Yes,” said the corporal, throwing away a melon rind that he had been +chewing the meat off of, “I saw his nibs coming down the road, and I +thought may be he was the one you wanted, so I told him to halt or I +would fill his lungs full of lead pills, and he said he guessed he +would halt. He said it was a nice day, and he was only trying one of +the Yankee cavalry horses, to see how he liked it.” “Here, you murdherin' +divil, get down aff that harse,” said the Iron Brigade, who had got +awake enough to see that the rebel was on his horse. “Take this mule, +and lave a dacent gintleman's harse alone.” + +The rebel smiled, dismounted, gave the Irishman his horse, mounted the +mule, and we started for camp. I was never so elated in my life as I was +when I rode into camp with that rebel captain beside me on the mule. The +object of the expedition had been accomplished, a little different, it +is true, from what I had expected and planned, but who knew that it was +not a part of my plan to have it turn out as it did? I reflected +much, and wondered if it was right for me to report the capture of the +Confederate and say nothing about the part played by the other corporal. +That corporal was no military strategist, like me. It was just a streak +of luck, his capturing the rebel. He was leaning against the fence where +I left him, eating melons, and the rebel came along, and the corporal +quit chewing melon long enough to obey my orders and arrest the fellow. +By all rules of military law I was entitled to the credit, and I would +take it, though it made me ashamed to do so. How-ever, generals did +the same thing. If a major-general was in command, and ordered a +brigadier-general to do a thing and it was a success, the major-general +got the credit in the newspapers. So I rode into camp and turned my +prisoner over to the major as modestly as possible, with a few words of +praise of my gallant command. Hello, Jim, said the major to the rebel. + +Hello, Maje, said the rebel. + +“Better take off them togs now, and join your company, said the major. + +“I guess so,” said the rebel, and he took off his rebel uniform, and the +major handed him a blue coat and pair of pants, and he put them on. + +I was petrified. The fact was, the rebel was a sergeant in our regiment, +who had been detailed as a scout, and had been making a trip into the +rebel lines as a spy. I had made an ass of myself in the whole business, +and he would tell all the boys about it. I went back to my company +crushed. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + I am Detailed to Build a Bridge-It Was a Good Bridge, but + Over the Wrong Stream--The General Appears--I am Crushed, in + Fact Pulverized!--I am Attacked with Rheumatism. + +After the episode, related last week, in which I foolishly organized +a regular battle, to capture a supposed rebel, who turned out to be a +member of my own regiment, I expected to be the laughing stock of all +the soldiers, and that my commission as corporal would be taken away +from me, and that I would be reduced to the ranks, and when, the next +morning, the colonel sent for me to come to his tent, it was a stand-off +with me whether I would take to the woods and desert, in disgrace, and +never show up again, or go to the colonel, face the music, and admit +that I had made an ass of myself. Finally I decided to visit the +colonel. On the way to his tent I noticed that our force had been +augmented greatly. The road was full of wagons, the fields near us were +filled with infantry and artillery, and there were fifty wagons or more +loaded with pontoons, great boats, or the frame-work of boats, which +were to be covered with canvass, which was water-proof, and the boats +were to be used for bridges across streams. The colonel had not told me +anything about the expected arrival of more troops, and it worried me a +good deal. May be there was a big battle coming off, and I might blunder +into it unconscious of danger, and: get the liver blowed out of me by a +cannon. I felt that the colonel had not treated me right in keeping me +in ignorance of all this preparation. I went to the colonel's tent +and there was quite a crowd of officers, some with artillery uniforms, +several colonels, and one general with a star on his shoulder straps, +and a crooked sword with a silver scabbard, covered with gold trimmings. +I felt quite small with those big officers, but I tried to look brave, +and as though I was accustomed to attending councils of war. The colonel +smiled at me as I came in which braced me up a good deal. + +General, this is the sergeant I spoke to you about, said the colonel, +as he turned from a map they had been looking at. I felt pale when the +colonel addressed me as sergeant, and was going to call his attention to +the mistake, when the general said: + +Sergeant, the colonel tells me that you can turn your hand to almost +anything. What line of business have you worked at previous to your +enlistment? + +“Well, I guess there is nothing that is usually done in a country +village that I have not done. I have clerked in a grocery, tended bar, +drove team on a threshing machine, worked in a slaughter house, +drove omnibus, worked in a-saw-mill, learned the printing trade, rode +saw-logs, worked in a pinery, been brakeman on a freight train, acted as +assistant chambermaid in a livery stable, clerked in a hotel, worked on +a farm, been an auctioneer, edited a newspaper, took up the collection +in church, canvassed for books, been life-insurance agent, worked at +bridge-building, took tintypes, sat on a jury, been constable, been +deck-hand on a steamboat, chopped cord-wood, run a cider-mill, and drove +a stallion in a four-minute race at a county fair.” + +“That will do,” said the general. “You will be placed in charge of a +pioneer corps, and you will go four miles south, on the road, where +a bridge has been destroyed across a small bayou, build a new bridge +strong enough to cross artillery, then move on two miles to a river you +will find, and look out a good place to throw a pontoon bridge across. +The first bridge you will build under an artillery fire from the rebels, +and when it is done let a squad of cavalry cross, then the pontoon +train, and a regiment of infantry. Then light out for the river ahead of +the pontoon train, with the cavalry. The pioneer corps will be ready in +fifteen minutes.” + +The colonel told me to hurry up, but I called him out of his tent and +asked him if I was really a sergeant, or if it was a mirage. He said if +I made a success of that bridge, and the command got across, and I was +not killed I would be appointed sergeant. He said the general would +try me as a bridge-builder, and if I was a success he would try me, no +doubt, in other capacities, such as driving team on a threshing machine, +and editing a newspaper. + +When, I went on after my horse, being pretty proud. The idea of being +picked out of so many non-commissioned officers, and placed in charge of +a pioneer corps, and sent ahead of the army to rebuild a bridge that had +been destroyed, with a prospect of being promoted or killed, was glory +enough for one day, and I rode back to headquarters feeling that the +success of the whole expedition rested on me. If I built a corduroy +bridge that would pass that whole army safely over, artillery and all, +would anybody enquire who built the bridge. Of course, if I built a +bridge that would break down, and drown somebody, everybody would know +who built it. The twenty men were mounted, and ready, and the general +told me to go to the quartermaster and get all the tools I wanted, and I +took twenty axes, ten shovels, two log chains, and was riding away, when +the general said: + +“When you get there, and look the ground over, make up your mind exactly +at what hour and minute you can have the bridge completed, and send a +courier back to inform me, and at that hour the head of the column will +be there, and the bridge must be ready to cross on.” + +I said that would be all right, and we started out. In about forty +minutes we had arrived, at the bayou, and I called a private soldier +who used to do logging in the woods, and we looked the thing over. The +timber necessary was right on the bank of the stream. + +“Jim,” I said to the private, “I have got to build a bridge across this +stream strong enough to cross artillery. I shall report to the general +that he can send, along his artillery at seventeen minutes after eight o +clock this evening. Am I right?” + +“Well,” said Jim, as he looked at the standing timber, at the stream, +and spit some black tobacco juice down on the red ground, “I should make +it thirty-seven minutes after eight. You see, a shell may drop in here +and kill a mule, or something, and delay us. Make it thirty-seven, and I +will go you.” + +We finally compromised by splitting the difference, and I sent a courier +back to the general, with my compliments, and with the information +that at precisely eight o clock and twenty-seven minutes he could start +across. Then we fell to work. Large, long trees were cut for stringers, +and hewn square, posts were made to prop up the stringers, though the +stringers would have held any weight. Then small trees were cut and +flattened on two sides, for the road-bed, holes bored in them and pegs +made to drive through them into the stringers. A lot of cavalry soldiers +never worked as those men did. Though there was only twenty of them, +it seemed as though the woods were full of men. Trees were falling, and +axes resounding, and men yelling at mules that were hauling logs, and +the scene reminded me of logging in the Wisconsin pineries, only these +were men in uniform doing the work. About the middle of the afternoon we +had the stringers across, when there was a half dozen shots heard down +the stream, and bullets began “zipping” all around the bridge, and +we knew the rebels were onto the scheme, and wanted it stopped. I got +behind a tree when the bullets began to come, to think it over. My first +impulse was to leave the bridge and go back and tell the general that I +couldn't build no bridge unless everything was quiet. That I had never +built bridges where people objected to it. I asked the private what we +had better do. He said his idea was to knock off work on the bridge for +just fifteen minutes, cross the stream on the stringers, and go down +there in the woods and scare the life out of those rebels, drive them +away, and make them think the whole army was after them, then cross back +and finish the bridge. That seemed feasible enough, so about a dozen of +us squirreled across the stringers with our carbines, and the rest went +down the stream on our side, and all of us fired a dozen rounds from our +Spencer repeaters, right into the woods where the rebels seemed to be. +When we did so, the rebels must have thought there was a million of us, +for they scattered too quick, and we had a quiet life for two hours. We +had got the bridge nearly completed, when there was a hissing sound +in the air, a streak of smoke, and a powder magazine seemed to explode +right over us. I suppose I turned pale, for I had never heard anything +like it. Says I, “Jim, excuse me, but what kind of a thing is that?” + +[Illustration: Xcuse me, but what kind of a thing is that? 175] + +Jim kept on at work, remarking, O, nothing only they are a shellin on +us. And so that was a shell. I had read of shells and seen pictures +of them in _Harper's Weekly_, but I never supposed I would hear one. +Presently another came, and I wanted to pack up and go away. I looked at +my pioneers, and they did not pay any more attention to the shells than +they would, to the braying of mules. I asked Jim if there wasn't more or +less danger attached to the building of bridges, in the South, and he, +the old veteran, said: + +“Corp, don't worry as long as they hain't got our range. Them 'ere shell +are going half a mile beyond us, and we don't need to worry. Just let +em think they are killing us off by the dozen, and they will keep on +sending shells right over us. If we had a battery here to shell back, +they would get our range, and make it pretty warm for us. But now it is +all guess work with them, and we are as safe as we would be in Oshkosh. +Let's keep right on with the bridge.” + +I never can explain what a comfort Jim's remarks were to me. After +listening to him, I could work right along, driving pegs in the bridge, +and pay no attention to the shells that were going over us. In fact, +I lit my pipe and smoked, and began to figure how much it was going to +cost the Confederacy to “celebrate” that way. It was costing them at the +rate of fourteen dollars a minute, and I actually found myself laughing +at the good joke on the rebels. Pretty soon a courier rode up, from the +general, asking if the shelling was delaying the bridge. I sent word +back that it was not delaying us in the least; in fact, it was +hurrying us a little, if anything, and he could send along his command +twenty-seven minutes sooner than I had calculated, as the bridge would +be ready to cross on at eight o'clock sharp. At a quarter to eight, just +as the daylight was fading, and we had lighted pine torches to see to +eat our supper, an orderly rode up and said the general and staff had +been looking for me for an hour, and were down at the forks of the +road. I told the orderly to bring the general and staff right up to the +headquarters, and we would entertain them to the best of our ability, +and he rode off. Then we sat down under a tree and smoked and played +seven up by the light of pine torches, and waited. I was never so proud +of anything in my life, as I was of that bridge, and it did not seem +to me as though a promotion to the position of sergeant was going to +be sufficient recompense for that great feat of engineering. It was as +smooth as though sawed plank had covered it, and logs were laid on each +side to keep wagons from running off. I could see, in my mind, hundreds +of wagons, and thousands of soldiers, crossing safely, and I would be a +hero. My breast swelled so my coat was too tight. Presently I heard some +one swearing down the road, the clanking of sabres, and in a few moments +the general rode into the glare of the torch-light. I had struck an +attitude at the approach of the bridge, and thought that I would give +a good deal if an artist could take a picture of my bridge, with me, the +great engineer, standing upon it, and the head of the column just +ready to cross. I was just getting ready to make a little speech to the +general, presenting the bridge to him, as trustee of the nation, for the +use of the army, when I got a sight of his face, as a torch flared up +and lit the surroundings. It was pale, and if he was not a madman, I +never saw one. He fairly frothed at the mouth, as he said, addressing a +soldier who had fallen in the stream, during the afternoon, and who was +putting on his shirt, which he had dried by a fire: + +“Where is the corporal, the star idiot, who built that bridge?” + +I couldn't have been more surprised if he had killed me. This was a nice +way to inquire for a gentleman who had done as much for the country as +I had, in so short a time. I felt hurt, but, summoning to my aid all the +gall I possessed, I stepped forward, and, in as sarcastic a manner as I +could assume, I said: + +“I am the sergeant, sir, who has wrought this work, made a highway in +twelve hours, across a torrent, and made is possible for your army to +cross.” + +“Well, what do you suppose my army wants to cross this confounded ditch +for? What business has the army got in that swamp over there? You have +gone off the main road, where I wanted a bridge built, and built one on +a private road to a plantation, where nobody wants to cross. This bridge +is of no more use to me than a bridge across the Mississippi river at +its source. You, sir, have just simply raised hell, that's what you have +done.” + +Talk about being crushed! I was pulverized. I felt like jumping into the +stream and drowning myself. For a moment I could not speak, because I +hadn't anything to say. Then I thought that it would be pretty tough to +go off and leave that bridge without the general's seeing what a good +job it was, so I said: + +“Well, general, I am sorry you did not give me more explicit +instructions, but I wish you would get down and examine this bridge. It +is a daisy, and if it is not in the right place we can move it anywhere +you want it.” + +That seemed to give the general an idea, and he dismounted and examined +it. He said it was as good a job as he ever saw, and if it was a mile +down the road, across another bayou, where he wanted to cross, he would +give a fortune. I told him if he would give me men enough and wagons +enough, I would move it to where he wanted it, and have it ready by +daylight the next morning. He agreed, and that was the hardest nights +work I ever did. Every stick of timber in my pet bridge had to be taken +off separately, and moved over a mile, but it was done, and at daylight +the next morning I had the pleasure of calling the general and telling +him that the bridge was ready. I thought he was a little mean when he +woke up and rubbed his eyes, and said: + +“Now, you are sure you have got it in the right place this time, for if +that bridge has strayed away onto anybody's plantation this time, you +die.” + +The army crossed all right, and I had the proud pleasure of standing by +the bridge until the last man was across, when I rode up to my regiment +and reported to the colonel, pretty tired.{*} He was superintending the +laying of a pontoon bridge across a large river, a few miles from my +bridge, and he said: + +“George, the general was pretty hot last night, but he was to blame +about the mistake in the location, and he says he is going to try and +get you a commission as lieutenant.” + + * A few weeks ago I met a member of my old regiment, who is + traveling through the South as agent for a beer bottling + establishment in the North. He was with me when we built the + corduroy bridge twenty-two years ago. As we were talking + over old-times he asked me if I remembered that bridge we + built one day in Alabama, in the wrong place, and moved it + during the night. I told him I wished I had as many dollars + as I remembered that bridge. “Well,” said my comrade, “on + my last trip through Alabama I crossed that bridge, and paid + two bits for the privilege of crossing. A man has + established a toll-gate at the bridge, and they say he has + made a fortune. I asked him how much his bridge cost him, + and he said it didn't cost him a cent, as the Yankees built + it during the war. He said they cut the timber on his land, + and when he got out of the Confederate army he was busted, + and he claimed the bridge, and got a charter to keep a toll- + gate.” My comrade added that the bridge was as sound as it + was when it was built. He said he asked the toll-gate keeper + if he knew the bridge was first built a mile away, and he + said he knew the timber was cut up there, and he wondered + what the confounded Yankees went away off there to cut the + timber for, when they could get it right on the bank. Then + my comrade told the toll-gate keeper that he helped build + the bridge, the rebel thanked him, and wanted to pay back + the two bits. Some day I am going down to Alabama and cross + on that bridge again, the bridge that almost caused me to + commit suicide, and if that old rebel-for he must be an old + rebel now--charges me two bits toll, I shall very likely + pull off my coat and let him whip me, and then as likely as + not there will be another war. + +I felt faint, but I said, “How can he recommend a star idiot for a +commissioned office?” + +“O, that is all right,” said, the colonel, “some of the greatest idiots +in the army have received commisssions.” As he spoke the rebels began to +shell the place where the pontoon bridge was being built, and I went +hunting for a place to borrow an umbrella to hold over me, to ward off +the pieces of shell. Then a battery of our own opened on the rebels, so +near me that every time a gun was discharged I could, feel the roof of +my head raise up like the cover to a band box. It was the wildest time +I ever saw. Cavalry was swimming the river to charge the rebel battery, +shells were exploding all around, and it seemed to me as though if I was +to lay a pontoon bridge I would go off somewhere out of the way, where +it would be quiet. Finally my regiment was ordered to swim the river, +and we rode in. The first lunge my horse made he went under water about +a mile, and when we came up I was not on him, but catching hold of his +tail I was dragged across the river nearly drowned, and landed on the +bank like a dog that has been after a duck I shook myself, we mounted +and without waiting to dry out our clothes we went into the fight, +before I could realize it, or back out. Scared! I was so scared it is +a wonder I did not die. That was more excitement than a county fair. +Bullets whizzing, shells shrieking, smoke stifling, yelling that was +deafening. It seemed as though I was crazy. I must have been or I could +never, as a raw recruit, with no experience, have ridden right toward +those guns that were belching forth sulphur and pieces of blacksmith +shop. I didn't dare look anywhere except right ahead. All thought +of being hit by bullets or anything was completely out of my mind. +Occasionally something would go over me that sounded as though a buzz +saw had been fired from a saw mill explosion. Presently the firing on +the rebel side ceased, and it was seen they were in retreat. I was never +so glad of anything in my life. We stopped, and I examined my clothes, +and they were perfectly dry. The excitement and warmth of the body had +acted like a drying-room in a laundry. Then I laid down under a fence +and went to sleep, and dreamed I was in hades, building a corduroy +bridge across the Styx, and that the devil repremanded me for building +it in the wrong place. When I awoke I was so stiff with rheumatism +that I had to be helped up from under the fence, and they put me in +an ambulance with a soldier who had his jaw shot off. He was not good +company, because I had to do all the talking. And in that way we moved +towards the enemy. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + I am Instructed to Capture and Search a Female Smuggler-- + I Protest in Vain--The Terrible Ordeal--Beauty Behind the + Pulpit--Pills, Plasters, Quinine--The Pathetic Letter-- + We Meet Under Happier Stars. + +It was at this time that the hardest duty that it was my lot to perform +during my service, fell to me, and the only wonder to me is that I am +alive today to tell of it. If I ever get a pension it will be on +account of night sweats, caused by the terrible and trying work that was +assigned to me. One day the colonel sent for me, and I knew at once that +there was something unusual in the wind. After seating myself in his +tent he opened the subject by asking me if I wasn't something of a hand +to be agreeable to the ladies. I told him, with many blushes, that +if there was one thing on this earth that I thought was nicer than +everything else, it was a lady, and that a good woman was the noblest +work of God. He said he was on to all of that, but it wasn't a good +woman that he was after. That startled me a little. I had heard the +officers had a habit of fooling around a good deal with certain females, +and I told the colonel that any duty that I was assigned to I would +perform to the best of my poor ability, but I could not go around with +the girls as officers did, because I couldn't afford it, and it was +against my principles, anyway. He showed me a picture of a beautiful +woman, and asked me if I would know her if I saw her again. I told him I +could pick her out of a thousand. He said she was a smuggler. She had a +pass from a general, who seemed to be under her influence to a certain +extent, for some reason, and went in and out of the lines freely. The +general didn't want to order her arrest, because she would squeal on +him, but he wanted her arrested all the same, and the idea was to have +some corporal in charge of a picket post take the responsibility of +arresting her without orders, refuse to recognize her pass, take the +quinine and other medicines, and money away from her, and then be +arrested himself for exceeding his authority. He said they wanted a +corporal who had every appearance of being a big-headed idiot, and yet +who knew what he was about, who knew something about women, and who +could do such a job up in shape, and never let the woman know that the +general or anybody had anything to do with her arrest. The idea was +to catch her in the act of smuggling quinine through the lines to the +rebels, by the act of a fresh corporal who took the matter into his +own hands, and who claimed that the pass she had from the general was a +forgery. When the general could, when the woman was brought before +him, be indignant at the corporal for insulting a woman, and order him +arrested, and he could also go back on the woman, and have her sent +away, after which he would release the corporal, and perhaps promote +him, and all would be well. It was as pretty a scheme as I ever listened +to, and I consented to do the duty, though I wouldn't do it again for +a million dollars. The colonel told me to take four men and go to a +particular place on an unfrequented road, near a school house, and +put out a picket. The female would be along during the afternoon, on +horseback, and when she showed her pass, one of the men must take hold +of her horse and hold him, while I kicked about the pass, made her +dismount, and searched her for quinine. I turned ashy pale when the +colonel said that, and I said to him: + +“Colonel, for heaven's sake don't compel me to search a woman. I have a +family at home, and they will hear of it. My political enemies will use +it against me at home when I run for office, after the war. Let me bring +her here to your tent, and you search her.” + +“No, that would spoil all,” said the colonel. “We want her searched +right there at the little school house, by a corporal without apparent +authority, and every last quinine pill taken off of her. If she was +brought here she would cry, and rave, and we should weaken, because we +know her, and have been entertained at her house. You are supposed to +be a heartless corporal, with no sentiment, no mercy, no nothing, just +a delver after smuggled quinine. Besides, I too, have a family, and I +don't want to search no females. By the way, one of the general's start +saw her last night, and drew the cartridges from her revolver, and put +in some blank cartridges. If the worst comes, she will draw her revolver +on you, and perhaps fire at you, but there are no balls in her revolver, +so you needn't be afraid.” + +“But suppose she has two revolvers,” I asked, “and one is loaded with +bullets?” + +“I don't think she has,” said the colonel. “But we have to take some +chances, you know. Now go right along. Treat her like a lady, disbelieve +everything she says and insist on searching her. The general says she +wears an enormous bustle, and probably that is full of quinine. Use your +judgement, but get it all. Pretend to be an ignorant sort of a corporal +who feels that the success of the war depends on him, act as though you +outranked the general, and tell her you would not let her pass with that +quinine if the general himself was present. Just display plenty gall +and when you have go the quinine, bring the girl here, and I will abuse +you, and you take it like a little man, and all will be well. If she +bites and scratches, some of you will have to hold her, but the best +way will be to argue with her, and persuade her by honied words, to come +down with the quinine. Go!” + +“One word, colonel, before I go,” I said. “About how many men should you +think it would take to hold this woman? You suggested three, but if one +holds her horse, it seems to me, from my knowledge of female kicking, +biting and scratching, that I would need one man for each arm and foot, +one to hold her head and choke her, if necessary, and one with a roving +commission to work around where he would be apt to make himself useful. +What do you say if I take five men!” + +“All right, take six,” said the colonel. “One may be disabled, or have +his jaw kicked off, or something. But don't detail anybody to search +her. Do that yourself, and do it like a gentleman. And above all things, +do not let her kanoodle you with soft words and looks of love, because +she is full of em. If she can't scare you, with her indignation at the +outrage of arresting and searching her, she will try to capture you and +make you love her. You must be as firm as adamant. Now hurry up.” + +I picked out six men, four of whom were young Americans, rather +handsome, and very polite, regular mashers. + +Then I had an Irishman named Duffy, and a German named Holzmeyer, who +was a butcher. We went out on the road, to the school house, and I put +the Irishman on picket, and instructed the German about taking the horse +by the bridle at the proper time. Then the rest of us got behind the +school house and waited. For two hours we waited, and I had a chance to +think over the situation. Here I was, putting down the rebellion, laying +for a woman, who was loaded. At home, I was a polite man, and full of +fun, a person any lady might be proud to meet and talk with, but here I +was expected to do something, for thirteen dollars a month, to put down +the rebellion, which there was not money enough in the whole state +of Wisconsin to hire me to do. Was it such a crime to carry a little +quinine to a sick friend? Suppose a rebel was sick with ague, and I had +quinine, would I see him shake himself out of his boots and not give him +medicine? No, I would divide my last quinine powder with him. So would +any soldier. If it was not treason to give one rebel a quinine powder, +when he was sick, why should it be treason to take along enough for +a whole lot of sick rebels? Did our government want to put down the +rebellion by keeping medicines away from a sick enemy? Were we to gloat +over the number of rebels who died of disease, that we could save by +sending them medicines? It seemed to me, if I was in command of the +army, instead of arresting women for carrying medicine to their sick +brothers, I would load up a wagon with medicine and send it to them, +and say, “Here, you fellows, fire this quinine down your necks, and get +well, and then if you want to fight any more, come out on the field and +we will give you the best turn in the wheel-house.” It seemed to me that +would be the way to win the enemy over, and that they would be thankful, +take the medicine, get well, and then say, “Boys, these Yankees are +pretty good fellows after all. Let's quit fighting, and call it quits.” + But I was not running the war, and had got to obey orders, if I broke +heartstrings and corset strings. I would have given anything to have +got out of the job. The idea of arresting a woman and searching her, +and seeing her cry, and have her think me a hard-hearted wretch, was +revolting, and I found myself wishing she would take some other road. +May be she looked like somebody that I knew at home, and may be she had +a big brother in the Confederate army who would look me up after the war +and everlastingly maul the life out of me for insulting his sister. I +made up my mind if anything of that kind happened I would tell on the +general and the colonel, and get them whipped, too. + +“Phat the divil is it coming,” said the Irishman. “Corporal of the +guaod, the quane of all the South is coming down the road, riding a high +stepper. Phat will I do, I dunno?” + +“Stop her,” I yelled with my teeth chattering. + +“Halt right fhere yez are,” said the Irishman, with a look on his face +that showed he was--well, that he was an Irishman, and had an eye for +beauty. The German had taken the horse by the bit, and I stepped out +from behind the school house. + +Great heavens, but she was a beautiful woman, and she sat on her horse +like a statue. I had never seen a more beautiful woman. She was a +brunette, with large black eyes, and her face was flushed with the +exercise of riding. + +She smiled and showed two rows of the prettiest teeth that ever were put +into a female mouth, and one ungloved hand, with which she handed me the +pass had a dimple at every knuckle, and was as white as paper, and soft +as silk. I know it was soft, because it touched my red, freckled hand +when I took the pass. I did not blame the general for being in love with +her, or for wanting to saw off the unpleasant duty of breaking up her +smuggling, on to a poor orphan like me. She said: + +“Captain, I have a pass from the general, to go through the lines at any +time, unmollested.” + +“It is no good,” I said, examining it. “This pass is evidently a +forgery.” + +“But, my dear captain,” she said, with a smile that I would give ten +dollars for a picture of, “The pass is not a forgery. I have used it for +months.” + +“I am not a dear captain, only a cheap corporal,” I said, with an +attempt to be at my ease, which I wasn't. + +“There has been at least a wagon load of quinine smuggled through the +lines on this pass, and it has got to stop; you cannot go.” + +“The dickens you say,” said she as she drew her revolver, and sung out, +“let go that horse,” and firing at the German. + +“Kritz-dunnerwetter,” said the German, as he got down by the horse's fore +feet, and held on to the bridle, “vot vor you choot a man ven he holt +your horse?” + +“Madame,” I said, “your revolver is loaded with blank cartridges, and +you can do no harm. Try another one on the Irishman.” + +“Hold on,” said the Irishman, “and don't experiment on a poor man who +has a wife and six children. Shoot the corporal.” + +But I had reached up and taken the revolver from her, and she was weak +as a kitten. Her nerve had forsaken her, and when I told her to dismount +she was like a rag, and had to be helped down. If she was beautiful +before, now that she had started her tear mill, she was ravishingly +radiant, and I felt like a villain. She leaned on my shoulder, and it +was the loveliest burden a soldier ever held. I seated her on the steps +of the schoolhouse, and I thought she would faint, but she didn't. She +was evidently taken by surprise, and wanted a little time to think it +over, and form a plan. So did I. As I looked her over, and thought what +I was expected to do, I wondered where it would be best to commence. She +began to recover, smiled at me and asked me to have the other soldiers +go away, so she could talk with me. I wished she wouldn't smile like +that, because it unnerved me. She asked me what I was going to do with +her, what caused me to suspect her, if I would not believe her if she +told me she was not a smuggler, if I had orders to arrest her, and all +that. I said, “Madame, my orders are to arrest all quinine smugglers, and +you are one. I am Hawkshaw, the detective. For months I have shadowed +you, and I know you have concealed about your person a whole drug store. +In that innocent looking bustle I feel that there is quinine for the +million. Your heaving bosom contains, besides love for your friends and +hatred of your enemies, a storehouse of useful medicines, contraband +of war. In your stockings there is much that would interest the seeker +after the truth, your corset that fits you so beautifully is liable +to be full of revolver cartridges, while in your shoes there may be +messages to the rebels. I shall search you from Genesis to Revelations, +and may the Lord have mercy on both of us. To begin, please let me +examine the hat you have on.” + +With some reluctance she took off a sort of half-stovepipe hat, and +covered her face with her handkerchief while I looked into it. I found +a package of newly printed confederate bonds, and a quantity of court +plaster. That settled it. She cried a little, and wanted to go into the +schoolhouse. I went in with her, and two of my soldiers. + +I told her that it was a duty that was pretty tough, but it was +necessary for her to disrobe, as I must have every article she had. She +cried, and said if I searched her, or molested her, I would do it at +my peril, and that I wouldn't know how to go to work to take off her +clothes, anyway, and that I ought to be ashamed of myself. I told her I +felt as ashamed as any gentleman could, and though I knew little about +the details of the female apparel, I had some general ideas about +bustles, polonaise, socks, skirts, and so forth, and while I might be +awkward, and uncouth, and nervous, as long as there were buttons to +unbutton, hooks to unhook, and safety-pins to unpin, I thought I could +eventually get to the quinine, if she would give me time, and I did not +faint by the wayside, but my idea was that it would save all trouble, +her modesty would not receive a shock, nor mine either, if she would go +behind the little pulpit in the schoolhouse, out of sight of us, take +off her clothes, and hand them over the pulpit to us to examine. She +said she would die first, besides, she knew we would peek around the +pulpit at her. I was getting very nervous, and perspiring a good deal, +and wishing it was over, and I swore, upon my honor, that if she would +go behind the pulpit and disrobe, she should be as safe from intrusion +as though she was in her own room. She swore she would not, and I went +up to her to commence unraveling the mystery. Her dress hooked up in the +back, which I always _did_ think a great nuisance, and I began to unhook +it. I wondered that she stood so quietly and let me unhook it, but +after it was unhooked from the neck to the small of her back, and I was +wishing I was dead, she said: + +“There, now that you have got my dress unhooked, a feat I never could +accomplish myself, I will go behind the pulpit and take off my dress, if +you will promise not to look, and that you will help me hook up my dress +when this cruel quinine war is over.” + +I told her by the great Jehosephat, and the continental congress, I +would help her, and that I would kill anybody who looked, and she went +behind the schoolhouse pulpit, where a country preacher, very likely, +preached on Sundays, and bent over out of sight, and it wasn't half a +minute before she handed the dress over to me. In the pockets I found +several papers of some kind of medicine, and a few small bottles, sealed +up with red sealing-wax. + +“Now, the bustle, please, I said, in a voice trembling with emotion. + +“Take your old bustle,” she said, as she whacked it on the top of the +pulpit. + +Well, if anybody had told me that a bustle could be made to hold stuff +enough to fill a bushel-basket, I would not have believed it. We filled +three nose-bags, such as cavalrymen feed horses in, with paper packages +and bottles of quinine. There were thirty bottles of pills, and salves +and ointments, and plasters. + +“This is panning out first rate,” I said, with less emotion. The emotion +was somehow getting out of me, and the affair was becoming more of a +mercantile transaction. It was like a young druggist going from the side +of his beloved, to the drug store, to take an inventory. “Now hand out +that other lot.” + +She evidently knew what I referred to, for she handed out over the +pulpit a package just exactly the shape of what I had supposed, in my +guileless innocence, was a portion of the female form. That is, I had +suspected it was not all human form, but didn't know. That was also full +of medicines, of which quinine was the larger part, though there was +about a pint of gun caps. + +“Speaking about stockings,” I said, “please take them off and hand them +over.” + +[Illustration: Two very long stockings, came over the pulpit 185] + +She kicked about taking off her shoes and stockings, and said no +gentleman would compel a lady to do that. I said I would wait about two +minutes, and then, if it was too much trouble for her to take them off, +I would come around the pulpit and help. Bless you, I wouldn't have +gone for the world, as I was already more than satisfied with what I had +found. She said I needn't trouble myself, as she guessed she could +take off her shoes without my help. I heard her unlacing her shoes, and +pretty soon two dainty shoes and two very long stockings, came over the +pulpit, the heel of one shoe hitting me in the ear. As I picked up the +shoes I heard the crumpling of a letter behind the pulpit, and I told +her I must have all the messages she had. She said it was only a letter +to one she loved. I told her I must have it, and she handed it over. I +read, “My darling husband,” and handed it back, saying I would not pry +into her family secrets. She began to cry, and insisted on my reading +it, which I did. It was to her husband, an officer in the Confederate +army, and was about as follows: + + “My Darling Husband:--This life of deception is killing me. + I want to do all in my power to help our cause, but I am + each day more nervous, and liable to detection. The Yankee + officers are frequently at our house, and I have to treat + them kindly, but it is all I can do to keep from crying, and + I am expected to laugh. I fear that I am suspected of + smuggling, as the subject is frequently brought up in + conversation, and I feel my face burn, though I try hard not + to show it. I think of you, away off in Virginia, with your + armless sleeve, our children in New Orleans, and I wonder if + we will ever be united again. O, God, when will this all + end. I have no fault to find with the Federal troops. The + officers are very kind and through one fatherly general I am + allowed to pass into our lines. I feel that I am betraying + his kindness every trip I make, and only the urgent need + that our dear boys have for medicines could induce me to do + as I do. After this trip I shall go to New Orleans,{*} + where I fear Madge is sick, as shew as not at all well the + last I heard from her. Pray earnestly, my dear husband, + every day, as I do, that this trouble may end soon, some + way, and I beg of you not to have a feeling of revenge in + your heart towards your enemies, on account of the loss of + your arm, as there are thousands of federals similarly + afflicted. I shall love you more, and I will wrap your empty + sleeve about my neck, and try never to miss the strong arm + that was my support. Adieu. + + “Your loving wife.” + +That letter knocked me out in one round. I had begun to enjoy the +unpacking of the smuggled goods, and the discomfiture of my female +smuggler, but when I read that loving letter, breathing such a +Christian spirit, and thought of the poor wife-mother behind the pulpit +unravelling herself, I was ashamed, and I said to myself, “she shall not +take off another rag. So I handed back the letter and the dress, and all +of the things she had taken off, and I said: + +“Put everything right back onto yourself, and come out at your leisure, +and we took the medicines and went out of the schoolhouse. Presently +She came out, and I told her it was my duty to take her back to +headquarters, but if she had no objections to my taking the letter to +the general, with the medicines, she could go back to the house where +she boarded, and I thought if she took the first boat for New Orleans, +it would be all right, and I would see that the letter was sent through +the lines to her husband. I helped her on her horse, and I said: + +“You can escape. Your horse is better than ours, and though you are a +prisoner, we would not shoot at you if you tried to escape. I hope your +prayers will have the effect you desire, and that the trouble will soon +be over. I hope you will and the children well, and that the husband +will be spared to be a comfort to you.” + +She bowed her head, as she sat in the saddle, and the look of defiance +which she had shown, was gone, and one of thankfulness, peace, hope, +purity, took its place. She handed me the letter, and asked: + +“Can I go?” + +I told, her she was free to go. She turned her horse; towards town, +touched him with the whip, and he was; away like the wind. I stood +for two minutes, watching her, when I was recalled to my senses by the +Irishman, who said: + +“Fhat are we to do wid the quinane and the gun caps?” We packed the +smuggled goods in our saddle-bags and elsewhere, and rode back to +headquarters. The colonel and the general were in the colonel's tent, +and I took the “stuff” in and reported all the occurrences. + +“But where is the lady?” inquired the general, after reading the letter +and wiping his eyes. + +“As we were about to start back,” said I, “after taking the smuggled +goods from her, she gave her horse the whip, and rode away. I had no +orders to shoot a woman, and I let her go.” + +“Thank God,” said the general. “That's the best way,” said the colonel. +“She will quit smuggling and go to her children.” + + *Eighteen months after the lady rode away from me, “leaving” + her quinine, I was in New Orleans, to be mustered in as + Second Lieutenant, having received a commsssion. I had + bought me a fine uniform, and thought I was about as cunning + a looking officer as ever was. I was walking on Canal + street, looking in the windows, and finally went into a + store to buy some collars. A gentleman came in with a gray + uniform on, and one sleeve empty. He was evidently a + Confederate officer. He asked me if I did not belong to a + certain cavalry regiment, and if my name was not so and so. + I told him he was correct. He told me there was a lady in an + adjoining store that wanted to see me. I did not know a + soul, that is, a female soul, in New Orleans, but I went + with him. Any lady that wanted to see me, in my new uniform, + could see me. As we entered the store a lady left two little + girls and rushed up to me, threw her arms around my neck and + --(say, does a fellow have to tell everything, when he writes + a war history?) Well, she was awfully tickled to see me, and + she was my smuggler, the Confederate was her husband, and + the children were hers. The officer was as tickled as she + was, and they compelled me to go to their house to dinner, + and I enjoyed it very much. We talked over the arrest of the + “female smuggler,” and she said to her husband, “Pa, it + was an awfully embarrassing situation for me and this + Yankee, but he treated me like a lady, and the only thing I + have to find fault about, is that he forgot to help me hook + up my dress, and I rode clear to town with it unhooked.” The + Confederate had been discharged at the surrender, and I was + on my way to Texas, to serve another year, hunting Indians. + I left them very happy, and as I went out of their door she + wrapped his empty sleeve around her waist, drew the children + up to her, and said, “Mr. Yankee, may you always be very + happy.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + The Female Smuggler Episode Makes Me Famous--I am Sent Forth + in Women's Clothes--My Interview with the Bad Corporal--A + Fist Fight--The Rebellion is Put Down Once More--I Reveal My + Identity. + +It was not twenty-four hours before the news spread all over my +regiment, as well as several other regiments, that a certain corporal +had captured a female smuggler, while on picket, had searched her on the +spot and found a large quantity of quinine and other articles contraband +of war, and there was a general desire to look upon the features of a +man, not a commissioned officer who had gall enough to search a female +rebel, from top to toe, without orders from the commanding officer, and +I was constantly being visited by curiosity-seekers, who wanted to know +all about it. Of course it was not known that I had been ordered to do +as I did, and they all wondered why I was not made an example of; and +many privates, corporals and sergeants wondered if they would get out +of it so easily if they should do as I did. There were a great many +women passing through the lines, and I am sure many soldiers decided +that the first woman who attempted to pass through would get searched. +It was talked among the men, and for a day or two a lady would certainly +have stood a poor show to have rode up to a picket post with a pass to +go outside. The soldiers had so long been away from female society +that it would have been a picnic for them to have captured a suspicious +looking woman who was pretty. I was pointed out, down town, as the +man who captured the woman loaded with quinine, and women with rebel +tendencies would look at me as though I was a bold, bad man that ought +to be killed, and they acted as though they would like to eat me. But +I tried to appear modest, and not as though I had done anything I was +particularly proud of. The next evening the colonel sent for me and said +he had got something for me to do that required nerve. I told him that +my experience in putting down the rebellion had shown me that the whole +thing required nerve. That I had been on my nerve until my nerves were +pretty near used up, and I asked him if he couldn't let some of the +other boys do a little of the nervous work. He said he had one more +woman job that he would like to have me undertake. + +I was sick of the whole woman business, and told him I did not want to +be aggravated any more; that arresting women and searching them, was +nothing but an aggravation, and I wanted to be let out. He said in this +case I would not have to arrest anybody of the female persuasion, but +that I would have to be arrested, and that it would be the greatest joke +that ever was. I told him if there was any joke about it he could count +me in. Then he went on to say that my success with the female smuggler +had excited all the boys to emulate my deeds, and they were all laying +for a female smuggler, and that he feared it wouldn't be safe for a +woman to be caught on the picket line. There had got to be a stop put to +it, and he and the general had thought of a scheme. He said there was +a corporal in one of the companies who had made his brags that he would +arrest the first female that came to his picket post, and search her for +smuggled goods, and they wanted to make an example of him. He asked me +if I wasn't something of a boxer, and I told him for a light weight I +was considered pretty good. Then he asked me if I could ride on a side +saddle. I told him I could ride anything, from a hobby to an elephant. +He said that was all right, and I would fill the bill. Then he went +into details. I was to go to the town with him, and be fitted out with +a riding habit of the female persuasion, false hair, side saddle, and +a bustle as big as a bushel basket. That I was to ride out on a certain +road, where the corporal would be on picket with two men. He would stop +me, and search me, I was to cry, and beg, and all that, but finally +submit to be searched, and after the corporal had got started to search +me, I was to haul off and give him one “biff” in the nose, another if it +was necessary to knock him down, paste one of the men in the ear, if he +showed any impudence, jump on my horse and come back to town, and leave +the corporal to find his mistake. + +I didn't half like the idea of dressing up in such a masquering +costume, but of course if I could help put down the rebellion that +way, it was my duty to do it, and besides, I had a grudge against that +corporal, anyway, because he called me a “jay” and a “substitute,” and +a “drafted man,” when I came to the regiment. The colonel took me to the +residence of a lady friend who rode on horseback a good deal, and as he +let her into the secret, she helped fix me up. All I had to do was +to remove my cavalry jacket, and she put the dress on over my head. I +always supposed they put on these dresses the same as men put on pants, +by walking into them feet first, but she said they went over the head. +I felt as though my pants were going to show, but she gave me some +instructions about keeping the dress down, and I began to feel a good +deal like a woman. The dress fit me around the waist as though it was +made for me, and when it was all buttoned up in front I felt stunning. +She and the colonel made a bustle out of newspapers, and a small sofa +cushion of eider down was placed where it would do the most good. After +the dress was all fixed, she got a wig and put it on my head, and a hat, +with a feather in it, and then pinned a veil on the hair, so it reached +down to my rose-bud mouth. Then she took a powder arrangement and +powdered my face, put on a pair of long gauntlets which she usually +wore, and told me to look in the glass. When I looked into the glass I +almost fainted. The deception was so good that it would have fooled the +oldest man in the world. + +The colonel said he was almost inclined to fall in love with me himself, +and he did put his arm around me and squeeze me, but I didn't notice +any particular feeling, such as I did when his lady friend was fooling +around me. That was different. Well, I was an inveterate smoker at that +time, so I took my pipe and a bag of tobacco, and put it in a pocket of +the dress, and some matches, and we went out doors. The colonel took +my tiny number eight boot in his hand and tossed me lightly into the +saddle, then he mounted his own horse and we rode around the suburbs +of the town, so I could get used to the side-saddle. I got him to stop +behind a fence and let me have a smoke out of my pipe, and then I told +him I was ready. He gave me a pass, and told me to go out on the road +the corporal was on, and if he let me pass out of the lines to go on +to a turn in the road, where a squad of our men were on a scout, and +to report to the officer in charge, who would bring me in all right, by +another road, but if the corporal attempted to search me, to do as I had +been told to do. After I had knocked the corporal down, if I would give +a yell, the officer who was outside would come and arrest us all +and bring us to headquarters, where the colonel could reprimand the +corporal, etc. I threw a kiss to the colonel and started out on the +road. It was about a mile to the picket post, and I had time to reflect +on my position. This was putting down the rebellion at a great rate. +I was an ostensible female, liable to be insulted at any moment, but I +would maintain the dignity of my alleged sex if I didn't lay up a cent. +I put on a proud, haughty look, full of purity and all that, and as I +neared the picket post, I saw the corporal step out into the road, and +as I came up he told me to halt. I halted, and handed him my pass, but +he said it was a forgery, and ordered me to dismount. I turned on the +water, from my eyes, and began to cry, but it run off the bad corporal +like water off a duck. + +“None of your sniveling around me,” said the vile man. “Get down off +that horse.” + +“Sir,” I said, with well feigned indignation, “you would not molest a poor +girl who has no one to defend her. Let me go I prithe.” + +I had read that, “Let me go I prithe,” in a novel, and it seemed to +me to be the proper thing to say, though I couldn't hardly keep from +laughing. + +“Prithe nothing,” said the corporal. “What you got in that bustle?” + said the corporal. + +“Bustle,” I said, blushing so you could have touched a match to my face. +“Why speak of such a thing in the presence of a lady. I want you to let +me go or I shall think you are real mean, so now. Please, Mr. Soldier, +let me go,” and I smiled at him and winked with my left eye in a manner +that ought to have paralyzed a marble statue. “O, what you giving us,” + said the vile man. “Get down off that horse and let me go through you +for quinine. Do you hear?” + +I was afraid if he helped me down he would see my boots or pants, which +would be a give-away. So I gathered my dress in my hands and jumped down +in pretty good shape. I had sparred with the corporal several times in +camp, and I knew I could knock him out easy, and I made up my mind that +the first indignity he offered me I would just “lam him one. It was all +I could do to keep from pasting him in the nose, when I first landed on +the ground, but I had a part to play, and it would not do to go off half +cocked. So I looked sad, pouted my lips, and wondered if he would kiss +me, and feel the beard where I had been shaved. + +“Now, shuck yourself,” said he. + +“Do what? I asked, with apparent alarm. + +“Peel,” said he, as he put his hand on my back, + +“Sir,” I said with my eyes flashing fire, and my heart throbbing, and +almost bursting with suppressed laughter, “you are insolent. I am a poor +orphan, unused to contact with coarse men. I have been raised a pet, and +no vile hand has ever been laid upon me until you just touched me. If +you touch me I shall scream. I shall call for help. What would you do, +you wicked, naughty man.” + +“Unbutton,” said he as he pointed to my dress in front. “Call for help and +be darned. You are a smuggler, and I know it.” + +“O, my God,” said I, with a stage accent, “has it come to this? Am I to be +robbed of all I hold dear, by a common Yankee corporal. Has a woman no +rights which are to be respected? Am I to be murdered in cold bel-lud, +with all my sins upon my head. O, Mr. Man, give me a moment to utter a +silent prayer.” + +“O, hush,” said he, “and hold up your hands. There ain't going to be any +bel-lud. All I want is to go through you for quinine.” + +“Spare me, I beseech you,” I said, as I held up my hands, and got in +position to knock him silly the first move he made. “I am no walking +drug store, I am a good girl.” Around my awful form I draw an imaginary +circle. “Step but one foot within that sacred circle, and on thy head I +launch the cu-r-r-r-se of Rome, Georgia.” + +[Illustration: Gave a yell that could have been heard a mile 203] + +“Let up on this Shakespeare, and get to busiess, said the corporal, as +he reached up to my neck to unbutton the top button of my dress. He was +looking at my dress, and wondering what he would find concealed within, +when I brought down both fists and took him with one in each eye, with a +force that would have knocked a mule down. He fell backwards, and gave a +yell that could have been heard a mile. Then one of his men started for +me and I knocked him in the ear, and he fell beside the corporal. The +other man was going to come for his share, when the officer who had been +stationed outside the lines rode up with his men and asked what was +the matter. The soldier-who was not hit said I had assassinated the +corporal. The officer said that was wrong, and women who would go around +killing off the Union army with their fists ought to be arrested. Just +then the corporal raised up on his elbow and tried to open two of the +blackest eyes that ever were seen. Turning to the officer, he said: + +“That woman is a smuggler, and she struck me with a brick house! + +“Ancient female,” said the officer, looking at me and laughing, “why do +you go around like a besum of destruction, wiping out armies, one man at +a time. You ought to be ashamed of myself, and you should be muzzled. + +“Don't call me a female,” said I, in my natural hoarse voice. “That is +something that I will not submit to.” + +The corporal looked up at me with one eye, the other being almost closed +from the effects of the fall of the brick house. He looked as though +he smelled woolen burning, as the old saying is. The officer said he +guessed he would take us all to headquarters, and inquire into the +affair. The corporal said that there was nothing to inquire into. That +this female came along and insisted on going outside of the lines, and +when he asked her, in a polite manner, to show her pass, she struck him +down with a billy, or some weapon she had concealed about her person. + +“You are not much of a liar, either,” said I, jumping on to my horse +astraddle, like a man. + +The corporal looked at me as though he would sink, but he maintained +that he had done nothing that should offend the most fastidious female. +The corporal and his men mounted, and we all started for headquarters. I +rode beside the officer, and the corporal was right behind me. After we +had got started I pulled out my pipe, filled it, lit a match as soldiers +usually do, though it was quite unhandy, and began to smoke. As the +tobacco smoke rolled out under my veil, from the alleged rosebud mouth, +the scene was one that the corporal and the most of the men had never +thought of, though the officer was “on” all right enough. The corporal +could hardly believe his eyes, or one eye, for the other one had gone +closed. I was a fine enough looking female as we rode through the +regiment, except the pipe, which I puffed along just as though I had no +dress on. As we rode up to the colonel's tent, it was noised around that +a scout had captured a daring female rebel, and she had almost killed a +corporal, and the whole regiment gathered around the colonel's tent. + +“What is the trouble, corporal?” asked the colonel of my black-eyed +friend. + +“Well this woman wanted to go outside, and when I objected, she knocked +me down with a rail off a fence.” + +“And you offered her no indignity?” the colonel asked. + +“Not in the least,” said the corporal. + +Then the colonel asked me to tell my story, which I did. The corporal +said it was a lie, but the other man, whom I did not hit, said I was +right. + +“Can you disrobe, before these soldiers, without getting off your +horse?” asked the colonel, looking at me. + +I told him I could and he told me to proceed. I pulled the hat and hair +off first and appeared with my red hair clipped short. I then I threw +the dress over my head, and appeared in my cavalry pants, all dressed, +except my jacket and cap, which the colonel handed me, having brought it +from the house where I put on the dress. I put on the jacket, wiped the +powder off my face, and the corporal said: + +“It's that condemned raw recruit.” + +All the boys took in the transformation scene, and then the colonel told +them that he wanted this to be a lesson to all of them, to let all women +who came to the picket posts, or anywhere, who had passes, alone, and +not think because one woman had been caught smuggling, that all +women were smugglers. In fact he wanted every soldier to mind his own +business. Then he dismissed us, and we went to our quarters. On the way, +the one-eyed corporal touched me on the arm, and he said: + +“Old man, you played it fine on me, but I will get even with you yet.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + Military Attire--My Suit of Government Clothes--The Memory + of Them Saddens Me Still--The Dreadful March--The Adjutant + Appoints Me to Make Out a Monthly Report--The Report Is an + Astonishing One. + +About this time I received the greatest shock of the whole war. I had +prided myself upon my uniform that I brought from home, which was made +by a tailor, and fit me first rate. It was of as good cloth and as well +made as the uniforms of any of the officers, and I was not ashamed to go +out with a party of officers on a little evening tear, because there was +nothing about my uniform to distinguish me from an officer, except the +shoulder-straps, and many officers did not wear shoulder-straps at all, +except on dress parade or inspection. I took great pleasure in riding +around town, wherever the regiment was located, looking wise, and posing +as an officer. But the time came when my uniform, which came with me as +a recruit, became seedy, and badly worn, and it was necessary to discard +it, and draw some clothing of the quartermaster. That is a trying time +for a recruit. One day it was announced that the quartermaster sergeant +had received a quantity of clothing, and the men were ordered to go and +draw coats, pants, hats, shoes, overcoats, and underclothing, as +winter was coming on, and the regiment was liable to move at any time. +Something happened that I was unable to be present the first +forenoon that clothing was issued, and, when I did call upon the +quartermaster-sergeant, there was only two or three suits left, and they +had been tumbled over till they looked bad. I can remember now how my +heart sank within me, as I picked up a pair of pants that was left. They +were evidently cut out with a buzz-saw, and were made for a man that +weighed three hundred. I held them up in installments, and looked at +them. Holding them by the top, as high as I could, and the bottom of the +legs of the pants laid on the ground. The sergeant charged the pants to +my account, and then handed me a jacket, a small one, evidently made +for a hump-backed dwarf. The jacket was covered with yellow braid. O, so +yellow, that it made me sick. The jacket was charged to me, also. Then +he handed me some undershirts and drawers, so coarse and rough that +it seemed to me they must have been made of rope, and lined with +sand-paper. Then came an overcoat, big enough for an equestrian statue +of George Washington, with a cape on it as big as a wall tent. The hat I +drew was a stiff, cheap, shoddy hat, as high as a tin camp kettle, which +was to take the place of my nobby, soft felt hat that I had paid five +dollars of my bounty money for. The hat was four sizes too large for me. +Then I took the last pair of army shoes there was, and they weighed as +much as a pair of anvils, and had raw-hide strings to fasten them with. +Has any old soldier of the army ever forgotten the clothing that he drew +from the quartermaster? These inverted pots for hats, the same size all +the way up, and the shoes that seemed to be made of sole leather, and +which scraped the skin off the ankles. O, if this government ever does +go to Gehenna, as some people contend it will, sometime, it will be as +a penalty for issuing such ill-fitting shoddy clothing to its brave +soldiers, who never did the government any harm. I carried the lot of +clothing to my tent, feeling sick and faint. The idea of wearing them +among folks was almost more than I could bear to think of. I laid them +on my bunk, and looked at them, and “died right there.” That hat was +of a style older than Methuselah. O, I could have stood it, all but the +hat, and pants, and shoes, but they killed me. While I was looking at +the lay-out, and trying to make myself believe that my old clothes that +I brought with me were good enough to last till the war was over, though +the seat of the pants, and the knees, and the sleeves of the coat were +nearly gone, an orderly came through the company and said the regiment +would have a dismounted dress parade at sundown, and every man must wear +his new clothes. Ye gods! that was too much! If I could have had a week +or ten days to get used to those new clothes, one article at a time, I +could have stood it, but to be compelled to put the pants, and jacket, +shoes and hat on all at once, was horrible to think of, and if I had +not known that a deserter was always caught, and punished, I would have +deserted. But the clothes must be put on, and I must go out into the +world a spectacle to behold. Believing that it is better to face the +worst, and have it over, I put on the pants first. If I could ever meet +the army contractor who furnished those pants to a government almost in +the throes of dissolution, I would kill him as I would an enemy of the +human race. There was room enough in those pants for a man and a horse. +Yes, and a bale of hay. There were no suspenders furnished to the men, +and how to keep the pants from falling from grace was a question, but I +got a piece of tent rope, cut a hole in the waist band, and run the rope +around inside, and tied it around my waist, puckering the top of the +pants at proper intervals. + +When I think of those pants now, after twenty-two years, I wonder that I +was not irretrievably lost in them. I would have been lost if I had not +stuck out of the top. But when I looked at the bottoms of the pants I +found at least a foot too much. If I had tied the rope around under my +arms, or buttoned them to my collar button, they would have been too +long at the bottom. I finally rolled them up at the bottom, and they +rolled clear up above my knees. But how they did bag around my body. +There was cloth enough to spare to have made a whole uniform for the +largest man in the regiment. At that time I was a slim fellow, that +weighed less than 125 pounds, and there is no doubt I got the largest +pair of pants that was issued in the whole Union army. I only had +a-small round mirror in my tent, so I could not see how awfully I +looked, only in installments, but to a sensitive young man who had +always dressed well, any one can see how a pair of such pants would +harrow up his soul. If the pants were too large, you ought to have +seen the jacket. The contractor who made the clothes evidently took the +measure of a monkey to make that jacket. It was so small that I could +hardly get it on. The sleeves were so tight that the vaccination marks +on my arm must have shown plainly. The sleeves were too short, and my +hands and half of my forearm riding outside. The body was so tight that +I had to use a monkey-wrench to button it, and then I couldn't breathe +without unbuttoning one button. It was so tight that my ribs showed so +plain they could be counted. + +I stuffed some pieces of grain sack in the shoes, and got them on, and +tied them, put on that awful hat, the bugle sounded to fall in, and I +fell out of my tent towards the place of assembly, with my carbine. If +we had been going out mounted, I could have managed to hide some of the +pants around the saddle, if I could have got my shoe over the horse's +back, but to walk out among men, stubbing my shoes against each other, +and interfering and knocking my ankles off, was pretty hard. The company +was about formed when I fell out of my tent, and when the men saw me +they snickered right out. I have heard a great many noises in my time +that took the life out of me. + +The first shell that I heard whistle through the air, and shriek, and +explode, caused my hair to raise, and I was cold all up and down my +spine. The first flock of minnie bullets that sang about my vicinity +caused my flesh to creep and my heart's blood to stand still. Once I was +near a saw mill when the boiler exploded, and as the pieces of boiler +began to rain around me, I felt how weak and insignificant a small, +red-headed, freckled-faced man is. Once I heard a girl say “no,” when I +had asked her a civil question, and I was so pale and weak that I could +hardly reply that I didn't care a continental whether she married me +or not, but I never felt quite so weak, and powerless, and ashamed, and +desperate as I did when I came out, falling over myself and the men of +my company snickered at my appearance. The captain held his hand over +his face and laughed. I fell in at the left of my company, and the +captain went to the right and looked down the line, and seeing my pants +out in front about a foot, he ordered me to stand back. I stood back, +and he looked at the rear of the line, and I stuck out worse behind, and +he made me move up. Finally he came down to where I was and told me to +throw out my chest. I tried to throw it out, and busted a button off, +but the pressure was too great, and my chest went back. Finally the +captain told me I could go to the right of the company and act as +orderly sergeant on dress parade. He said as our company was on the +right of the regiment, they could dress on my pants, and I wouldn't be +noticed. + +What I ought to have done, was to have committed suicide right there, +but I went to the right, trying to look innocent, and we moved off to +the field for dress parade. Everything went on well enough, except that +in coming to a “carry arms,” with my carbine, from a present, the muzzle +of the carbine knocked off my stiff hat, and the stock of the carbine +went into the pocket of my pants and run clear down my leg, before I +could rescue it. A file closer behind me picked up my hat and put it on +me, with the yellow cord tassels in front, and before I could fix it, +the order came, “First sergeants to the front and center, march.” Those +who are familiar with military matters, know that at dress parade the +first sergeants march a few paces to the front, then turn and march to +the center of the regiment, turn and face the adjutant, and each salutes +that officer in turn, and reports, “Co. ----, all present or accounted +for.” That was the hardest march I ever had in all of my army +experience. I knew that every eye of every soldier in the six companies +at the right of the regiment, would be on my pants, and the officers +would laugh at me, and the several hundred ladies and gentlemen from +town, who were back of the colonel, witnessing the dress parade, would +laugh, too. A man can face death, in the discharge of his duty, better +than he can face the laughter of a thousand people. I seemed to be the +only soldier in the whole regiment who had not got a pretty good fit +in drawing his new clothes, but I was a spectacle. As I marched to the +front, with the other eleven first sergeants, and stood still for them +to dress on me, I felt as though the piece of tent rope with which I +had fastened my large pants up, was becoming untied, and I began to +perspire. What would become of me if that rope _should_ become untied? +If that rope gave way, it seemed to me it would break up the whole army, +stampede the visitors, and cause me to be court-martialed for conduct +unbecoming any white man. I made up my mind if the worst came, I would +drop my carbine and grab the pants with both hands, and save the day. At +the command, right and left face, I turned to the left, and I could feel +the pants begin to droop, as it were, so I took hold of the top of them +with my left hand, and at the command, march, I started for the center. + +I had got almost past my own company, and there had been no general +laugh, but when I passed an Irishman, named Mulcahy, I heard him whisper +out loud to the man next to him, “Howly Jasus, luk at the pants.” Then +there was a snicker all through the company, which was taken up by the +next, and by the time I got to the center, and “front faced,” a half of +the regiment were laughing, and the officers were scolding the men and +whispering to them to shut up. Just then I felt that the one hand that +was trying to hold the pants up, was never going to do the work in the +world, so I dropped my carbine behind me, said, “Co. E, all present or +accounted for,” and stood there like a stoughton bottle, holding the +waist-band of those pants with both hands, as pale as a ghost. I could +see that the adjutant and the colonel and two majors, were laughing, and +many of the visitors were trying to keep from laughing. I think I lived +seventy years in five minutes, while the other eleven orderlies were +reporting, and when the order came to return to our posts, I whispered +to the next orderly to me, and told him if he would pick up my carbine +and bring it along, I would die for him, and he picked it up. The dress +parade was soon finished, but instead of marching the companies back to +their quarters, they were ordered to break ranks on the parade ground, +and for an hour I was surrounded with officers and men, who laughed at +me till I thought I would die. + +The colonel and adjutant finally told me that it was a put up job on me, +to make a little fun for the boys. They said I had often had fun at the +expense of the other boys, and they wanted to see if I could stand a +joke on myself, and they admitted that I had done it well. If I had +known it was a joke, I could have lived through it better. The adjutant +said he had got a little work for me that evening, and the next morning +I could take my clothes down town to the post quartermaster, and +exchange them for a suit that would fit me. I went to his tent, and +he showed me a lot of company reports, and wanted me to make out a +consolidated monthly report, for the assistant adjutant general of the +brigade. I had done some work for him before, and he left a blank signed +by himself and colonel, and told me to make out a report and send it +to the brigade headquarters, as he was going down town with a party of +officers. I made up my mind that I would get even with the adjutant and +the colonel, so I took a pen and filled out the blank. My idea was to +put all the figures in the wrong column, which I did, and send it to +the brigade headquarters. The next morning I went down town with the +quartermaster, and got a suit of clothes to fit me, and on the way back +to camp I passed brigade headquarters, when I saw our adjutant looking +quite dejected. He called to me and said he had been summoned to brigade +headquarters to explain some inaccuracies in the monthly report sent in +the night before, and he wanted me to stay and see what was the trouble, +but I acted as though if there was a mistake, it was an error of the +head rather than of the feet. Pretty soon the old brigade adjutant, who +was a strict diciplinarian, and a man who never heard of a joke, came +in from the general's tent, with his brow corrugated. They had evidently +been brooding over the report. + +“I beg your pardon, adjutant,” said he, with a preoccupied look, “but in +your report I observe that your regiment contains forty-three enlisted +men, and nine hundred and twenty-six company cooks. This seems to me +improbable, and the general cannot seem to understand it.” + +The adjutant turned red in the face, and was about to stammer out +something, when the adjutant general continued: + +“Again, we observe that your quartermaster has on hand nine hundred +bales of condition powders, which is placed in your report as rations +for the men, that you only have eleven horses in your regiment fit +for duty, that you have the same number of men, while the commissioned +officers foot up at nine hundred and twenty-six. Of your sick men +there seems to be plenty, some eight hundred, which would indicate an +epidemic, of which these headquarters had not been informed previously. +In the column headed “officers detailed on other duty” I find four +“six-mule teams,” and one “spike team of five mules.” In the column +“officers absent without leave” I find the entry “all gone off on a +drunk.” This, sir, is the most incongruous report that has ever been +received at these head-quarters, from a reputably sober officer. Can +this affair be satisfactorily explained, at once, or would you prefer to +explain it to a court-martial?” + +“Captain,” said the adjutant in distress, and perspiring freely, “my +clerk has made a mistake, and placed a piece of waste paper that has +been scribbled on, in the envelope, instead of the regular report. Let +me take it, and I will send the proper report to you in ten minutes.” + +The adjutant general handed over my report, after asking how it happened +that the signature of the colonel and adjutant was on the ridiculous +report, and the adjutant and the red-headed recruit went out, mounted +and rode away. On the way the adjutant said, “I ought to kill you on the +spot. But I wont. You have only retaliated on us for playing them pants +on you. I hate a man that can't take a joke.” + +Then we made out a new report, and I took it to headquarters, and all +was well. But the adjutant was not as kitteny with his jokes on the +other fellows for many moons. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + My Experience as a Sick Man--Jim Thinks I Have Yellow Fever-- + What I Suffered--A Rebel Angel--I am Sent to the Hospital. + +Up to this time I had never been sick a day in my life, that is, sick +enough to ache and groan and grunt, and lay in bed. At home I had +occasionally had a cold, and I was put to bed at night, after drinking a +quart of ginger tea, and covered up with blankets in a warm room, and I +was fussed over by loving hands until I got to sleep, and in the morning +I would wake up as fresh as a daisy, with my cold all gone. Once or +twice at home I had a bilious attack that lasted me almost twenty-four +hours; but the old family doctor fired blue pills down me, and I came +under the wire an easy winner. I did have the mumps and the measles, of +course before enlisting, but the loving care I was given brought me +out all right, and I looked upon those little sicknesses as a sort of +luxury. The people at home would do everything to make sick experiences +far from bitter memories. It was getting along towards Christmas of my +first year in the army, and though it was the Sunny South we were in, I +noticed that it was pretty all-fired cold. The night rides were full +of fog and malaria; and one morning I came in from an all-night ride +through the woods and swamps, feeling pretty blue. The mud around my +tent was frozen, and there was a little snow around in spots. As I laid +down in my bunk to take a snooze before breakfast, I noticed how awfully +thin an army blanket was. It was good enough for summer, but when winter +came the blanket seemed to have lost its cunning. I was again doing duty +as a private soldier, having learned that my promotion to the position +of corporal was only temporary. I had been what is called a “lance +corpora,” or a brevet corporal. It seemed hard, after tasting of the +sweets of official position, to be returned to the ranks, but I had to +take the bitter with the sweet, and a soldier must not kick. I had never +laid down to sleep before without dropping off into the land of dreams +right away, but now, though I was tired enough, my eyes were wide open +and I felt strange. At times I would be so hot that I would throw the +blanket off, and then I would be so cold that it seemed as though I +would freeze. I had taken a severe cold which had settled everywhere, +and there was not a bone in my body but what ached; my lungs seemed of +no use; I could not take a long breath without a hacking cough, and +I felt as though I should die. It was then that I thought of the warm +little room at home and the ginger tea, and the soaking of my feet in +mustard water and wrapping my body in a soft flannel blanket, and the +kindly faces of my parents, my sister, my wife--everybody that had been +kind to me. I would close my eyes and imagine I could see them all, +and open my eyes and see my cold little tent and shiver as I thought of +being sick away from home. I laid for an hour wishing I was home again; +and while alone there I made up my mind I would write home and warn all +the boys I knew against enlisting. The thought that I should die there +alone was too much, and I was about to yell for help when my tent mate, +who had been on a scout, came in. He was a big green Yankee, who had a +heart in him as big as a water pail, but he wasn't much, of a nurse. +He came in nearly frozen, threw his saddle down in a corner, took out a +hard tack and began to chew it, occasionally taking a drink of water out +of a canteen. That was his breakfast. + +“Well, I've got just about enough of war,” said he, as he picked his +teeth with a splinter off his bunk, and filled his pipe and lit it. +“They can't wind up this business any too soon to suit the old man. War +in the summer is a picnic, but in winter it is wearin on the soldier.” + +Heretofore I had enjoyed tobacco smoke very much, both from my own pipe +and Jim's, but when he blew out the first whiff of smoke it went to +my head and stomach and all up and down me, and I yelled, in a hoarse, +pneumonia sort of voice: + +“Jim, for God's sake don't smoke. I am at death's door, and I don't want +to smell of tobacco smoke when St. Peter opens the gate.” + +“What, pard, you ain't sick,” said Jim, putting his pipe outside of the +tent, and coming to me and putting his great big hand on my forehead, as +tender as a woman. + +“Great heavens! you have got the yellow fever. You won't live an hour.” + +That was where Jim failed as a nurse. He made things out worse than they +were. He, poor old fellow, thought it was sympathy, and if I had let +him go on he would have had me dead before night. I told him I was all +right. All I had was a severe cold, on my lungs, and pneumonia, and +rheumatism, and chills and fever, and a few such things, but I would be +all right in a day or two. I wanted to encourage Jim to think I was not +very bad off, but he wouldn't have it. He insisted that I had typhoid +fever, and glanders, and cholera. He went right out of the tent and +called in the first man he met, who proved to be the horse doctor. The +horse doctor was a friend of mine, and a mighty good fellow, but I had +never meditated having him called in to doctor me. However, he felt +of my fore leg, looked at my eyes, rubbed the hair the wrong way on my +head, and told Jim to bleed me in the mouth, and blanket me, and give +me a bran mash, and rub some mustang liniment on my chest and back. +I didn't want to hurt the horse doctor's feelings by going back on his +directions, but I told him I only wanted to soak my feet in mustard +water, and take some ginger tea. He said all right, if I knew more +about it than he did, and that he said he would skirmish around for some +ginger, while Jim raised the mustard, and they both went out and left me +alone. It seemed an age before anybody come, and I thought of home all +the time, and of the folks who would know just what to do if I was +there. Pretty soon Jim came in with a camp kettle half full of hot +water, and a bottle of French mixed mustard which he had bought of the +sutler. I told him I wanted plain ground mustard, but he said there +wasn't any to be found, and French mustard was the best he could do. We +tried to dissolve it in the water, but it wouldn't work, and finally Jim +suggested that he take a mustard spoon and plaster the French mustard +all over my feet, and then put them to soak that way. He said that +prepared mustard was the finest kind for pigs feet and sausage, and he +didn't know why it was not all right to soak feet in. So he plastered +it on and I proceeded to soak my feet. I presume it was the most +unsuccessful case of soaking feet on record. The old camp kettle was +greasy, and when the hot water and French mustard began to get in their +work on the kettle, the odor was sickening, and I do not think I was +improved at all in my condition. I told Jim I guessed I would lay down +and wait for the ginger tea. Pretty soon the horse doctor came in with a +tin cup full of hot ginger tea. I took one swallow of it and I thought I +had swallowed a blacksmith's forge, with a coal fire in it. I gasped and +tried to yell murder. The horse doctor explained that he couldn't get +any ginger, so he had taken cayenne pepper, which, he added, could knock +the socks off of ginger any day in the week. I felt like murdering the +horse doctor, and I felt a little hard at Jim for playing French mustard +on me, but when I come to reflect, I could see that they had done the +best they could, and I thanked them, and told them to leave me alone +and I would go to sleep. They went out of the tent and I could hear them +speculating on my case. Jim said he knew I had diabetis, and lung fever +combined, with sciatic rheumatism, and brain fever, and if I lived +till morning the horse doctor could take it out of his wages. The horse +doctor admitted that my case had a hopeless look, but he once had a +patient, a bay horse, sixteen hands high, and as fine a saddle horse +as a man ever threw a leg over, that was troubled exactly the same as +I was. He blistered his chest, gave him a table-spoonful of condition +powders three times a day in a bran mash, took off his shoes and turned +him out to grass, and in a week he sold him for two hundred and fifty +dollar. I laid there and tried to go to sleep listening to that talk. +Then, some of the boys who had heard that I was sick, came along and +inquired how I was, and I listened to the remarks they made. One of them +wanted to go and get some burdock leaves, and pound them into a pulp, +and bind them on me for a poultice. He said he had an aunt in Wisconsin +who had a milk sickness, and her left leg swelled up as big as a post, +and the doctors tried everything, and charged her over two hundred +dollars, and never did her any good, and one day an Indian doctor came +along and picked some burdock leaves and fixed a poultice for her, +and in a week she went to a hop-picker's dance, and was as kitteny as +anybody, and the Indian doctor only charged her a quarter. Jim was for +going out for burdock leaves at once, for me, but the horse doctor told +him I didn't have no milk sickness. He said all the milk soldiers got +was condensed milk, and mighty little of that, and he would defy the +world to show that a man could get milk sickness on condensed milk. That +seemed to settle the burdock remedy, and they went to inquiring of Jim +if he knew where my folks lived, so he could notify them, in case I was +not there in the morning. Jim couldn't remember whether it was Atchison, +Kan., or Fort Atkinson, Wis., but he said he would go and ask me, while +I was alive, so there would be no mistake, and the poor fellow, meaning +as well as any man ever did, came in and asked for the address of my +father, saying it was of no account, particularly, only he wanted to +know. I gave him the address, and then he asked me if he shouldn't get +me something to eat. I told him I couldn't eat anything to save me. +He offered to fry me some bacon, and make me a cup of coffee, but the +thought of bacon and coffee made me wild. I told him if he could make +me a nice cup of green tea, and some milk toast, or poach me an egg and +place it on a piece of nice buttered toast, and give me a little currant +jelly, I thought I could swallow a mouthful. Jim's eyes stuck out when +I gave my order, which I had done while thinking of home, and a tear +rolled down his cheek, and he went out of the tent, saying, “All right, +pard.” I saw him tap his forehead with his finger, point his thumb +toward the tent, and say to the boys outside: + +“He's got 'em! Head all wrong! Wants me to make him milk toast, poached +eggs, green tea, and currant jelly. And I offered him _bacon_. Sow belly +for a sick man! There isn't a loaf of bread in camp. Not an egg within +five miles. And milk! currant jelly! Why, he might as well ask for +Delmonico's bill of fare, but we have got to get 'em. I told him he +should have em, and, by mighty! he shall. Here, Mr. Horse-doctor, you +stay and watch him, and I and Company D here will saddle up and go out +on the road to a plantation, and raid it for delicacies. + +“You bet your life,” says the Company “D” man, and pretty soon I heard a +couple of saddles thrown on two horses, and then there was a clatter of +horses feet on the frozen ground. I have thought of it since a good many +times, and have concluded that I must have dropped asleep. Any way, it +didn't seem more than five minutes before the tent nap opened and Jim +came in. + +“Come, straighten out here, now, you red-headed corpse, and try that +toast,” said he, as he came in with a piece of hard-tack box for a tray, +and on it was a nice china plate, and a cup and saucer, an egg on toast, +and a little pitcher of milk, and some jelly. + +“Jim,” I said, tasting of the tea, which was not much like army tea, +“you never made this tea. A woman made that tea, or I'm a goat. And that +toast was toasted by a woman, and that egg was poached by a woman. Where +am I?” I asked, imagining that I was home again. + +“You guessed it the first time, pard,” said Jim, as he threw the blanket +over my shoulders, as I sat up on the bunk to try and eat. “The whole +thing was done by the rebel angel.” + +“Rebel angel, Jim; what are you talking about? There ain't any rebel +angels,” and I became weak and laid down again. + +“Yes, there is a rebel angel, and she is a dandy,” said Jim, as he +covered me up. “She is out by the fire making milk toast for you. You +see, I went out to the Brown plantation, to try and steal an egg, and +some bread, and milk, but I thought, on the way out, as it was a case +of life and death, the stealing of it might rest heavy on your soul when +you come to pass in your chips, so I concluded to go to the house and +ask for it. There was a young woman there, and I told her the red-headed +corporal that captured the female smuggler, was dying, and couldn't eat +any hard-tack and bacon, and I wanted to fill him up on white folks food +before he died, so he could go to heaven or elsewhere, as the case might +be, on a full stomach, and she flew around like a kernel of pop-corn +on a hot griddle, and picked up a basket of stuff, and had the nigger +saddle a mule for her, and she came right to the camp with me, and said +she would attend to everything. She's a thoroughbred, and don't you make +no mistake about it.” + +I must have gone to sleep when Jim was talking about the girl, for I +dreamed that there was a million angels in rebel uniforms, poaching eggs +for me. Pretty soon I heard a rustle of female clothes, and a soft, cool +hand was placed on my forehead, my hair was brushed back, a perfumed +handkerchief wiped the cold perspiration from my face, and I heard the +rebel angel ask Jim what the doctor said about me. Jim told her what the +horse doctor had said about curing a horse that had been sick the +same as I was, and then she asked if we had not sent for the regular +doc-doctor. Jim said we had not thought of that. She asked what had been +done for me, and Jim told her about the French mustard episode, and the +cayenne pepper tea. I thought she laughed, but it had become dark in +the tent, and I couldn't see her face, but she told Jim to go after the +regimental surgeon at once, and Jim went out. The angel asked me how I +felt, and I told her I was all right, but she said I was all wrong. I +thanked her for the trouble she had taken to come so far, and she said +not to mention it. She said she had a brother who was a prisoner at +the-North, and if somebody would only be kind to him if he was sick, +she would be well repaid. She said the last she heard of him he was a +prisoner of war at Madison, Wis., and she wondered what kind of people +lived there, away off on the frontier, and if they could be kind to +their enemies. That touched me where I lived, and I raised up on my +elbow, and said: + +“Why bless your heart, Miss, if your brother is a prisoner in old Camp +Randlll, in Madison, he has got a pic nic. That town was my home before +I came down here on this fool job. The people there are the finest in +the world. All of them, from old Grovernor Lewis, to the poorest man in +town, would set up nights with a sick person, whether he was a rebel or +not. Your brother couldn't be better fixed if he was at home. The idea +of a man suffering for food, clothing, or human sympathy in Madison, +would be ridiculous. There is not a family in that town,” I said, +becoming excited from the feeling that any one doubted the humanity of +the people of Wisconsin, “but would divide their breakfast, and their +clothes, and their money, with your brother, egad, I wish I was there +myself. I will be responsible for your brother, Miss.” + +She told me to lay down and be quiet, and not talk any more, as I was +becoming wild. She said she was glad to know what kind of people lived +there, as she had supposed it was a wilderness. In a few minutes +Jim came back and said the doctor was playing poker with some other +officers, in a captain's tent, and he didn't dare go in and break up the +game, but he spoke to the doctor's orderly, and he said I ought to take +castor oil. That didn't please the little woman at all, and she told +Jim to go to the poker tent and tell the doctor to come at once, or she +would come after him. It was not long before the doctor came stooping in +to my pup tent. His idea was to have all sick men attend surgeon's call +in the morning, and not go around visiting the sick in tents. He asked +me what was the matter, and I told him nothing much. Then he asked me +why I wasn't at surgeon's call in the morning. I told him the reason was +that I was wading in a swamp, after the rebels that ambushed some of +our boys the day before. “Then you've got malaria,” said he. “Take some +quinine tonight, and come to surgeon's call in the morning.” + +[Illustration: She gave him a piece of her mind 229] + +The little woman, the rebel angel, got her back up at the coolness of +the doctor; and she gave him a piece of her mind, and then he called for +a candle, and he examined me carefully. When he got through, he said: + +“He is going to have a run of fever. He must be sent to the hospital. +Jim, go tell the driver to send the ambulance here at once, and you, +Jim, go along and see that this fellow gets to the hospital all right. +He can't live here in a tent, and I doubt if he will in the hospital.” + +That settled it. In a short time the ambulance came, and I got in and +sat on a seat, and the rebel angel got in with me, and we rode seven +miles to the hospital, over the roughest road a sick man ever jolted +over, and I would have died, if I could have had my own way about it, +but the little woman talked so cheerfully that when we arrived at the +great building, I should have considered myself well, only that my mind +was wandering. All I remember of my entrance to the hospital was that +when we got out of the ambulance Jim was there on his horse, leading the +mule belonging to the angel. Some attendants helped me up stairs, and +down a corridor, where we met two stretchers being carried out to the +dead house with bodies on them, and I had to sit in a chair and wait +till clean sheets could be put on one of the cots where a man had just +died. The little woman told me to keep up my courage, and she would come +and see me often, Jim cried and said he would come everyday, a man said, +“your bed is ready, No. 197,” and I laid down as No. 197, and didn't care +whether I ever got up again or not. I just had breath enough left to bid +the angel good bye, and tell Jim to see her safe home. Jim said, “You +bet your life I will,” and the world seemed blotted out, and for all I +cared, I was dead. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + My Varied Experiences in the Hospital--The Doctor Seems Sure + of My Death--I Suggest the Postponement of My Funeral--I Get + Very Sick of Gruel--I Go Back to my Regiment. + +Let's see, last week I wound up in the hospital. When Jim, my old +comrade, and the rebel angel, left me, I to all intents and purposes. I +supposed I was going to sleep, but after I got well enough to know what +was going on, I found that for about ten days I had been out of my +head. It was not much of a head to get out of, but however small and +insignificant a man's head is, he had rather have it with him, keeping +good time, than to have it wandering around out of his reach. When I +“come to,” as the saying is, it only seemed as though I had been asleep +over night, but I dreamed more than any able-bodied man could have done +in one night. I was what they call un-. conscious, but I did a great +deal of work during that period of unconsciousness. One thing I did, +which I was proud of, was to wind up the war. I arranged it so that all +of the bullets that were fired on each side, were made of India-rubber, +like those little toy balloons, and war was just fun. The boys on both +sides would fire at each other and watch the rubber balloons hit the +mark, and explode, and nobody was hurt, and everybody laughed. There was +no more blood. Everything was rubber and wind. There was no one killed, +no legs shot off, and the men on each side; when not fighting with +the harmless missiles, were gathered together, blue and gray, having +a regular picnic, and every evening there was a dance, the rebels +furnishing the girls. In my delirium I could see that my rebel angel was +dancing a good deal with the boys, and frequently with my comrade, Jim, +and I was pretty jealous. I made up my mind that I wouldn't speak to +either of them again. I would watch my balloon battles with a good deal +of interest, and think how much better and safer it was to fight that +way. Every day, when the battle was over, and the two sides would get +together for fun, I noticed when the bugle sounded for battle again, +that on each side the boys were terribly mixed, there being about as +many blue-coated Yankees among the gray rebels as there were rebels +among the Yankees, and after awhile it seemed as though all were dressed +alike, in a sort of “blue-gray,” and then they disappeared, and I +recovered my senses. Frequently, during my delerium and unconsciousness, +I would feel my mouth pulled open, and hear a spoon chink against my +teeth, and I would taste something bad going down my neck, and then my +head would buzz as though a swarm of bees had taken up their abode where +my brain used to be. Sometimes I would hear the clanking of a saber and +a pair of Mexican spurs, and feel a great big hand on my head, and I +knew that was Jim, but I couldn't move a muscle, or say a word. “I guess +he's dead, ain't he doc?” I would hear in Jim's voice, and the doc would +say there was a little life left, but not enough, to swear by. Then the +doc would say, “You better come in about 10:30 tomorrow, as we bury +them all at that hour, and I guess he'll croak by that time.” I tried to +speak and tell them that I was alive, and that I was going to get well, +but it, wasn't any use. I was tongue-tied. Again I would hear the sweet +rustle of a dress, and feel a warm hand on my head, and I knew that the +rebel angel had rode her mule to town to see me. Then I would try +hard to tell her that I was going to write a letter to the governor of +Wisconsin, and ask him to look out particularly for her brother, who was +a rebel prisoner at Madison, and take care of him if he was sick, but +I couldn't say a word, and after smoothing my hair a little while, she +would give my cheek three or four pats, just as a mother pats her child, +and she would go away. + +One morning, a little after daylight, I woke up and looked around the +ward of the hospital. My eyes were weak, and I was hungry as a bear. I +had to try two or three times before I could raise my hand to my head, +and when I felt of my head it seemed awfully small. I could feel my +cheek bones stick out so that you could hang your hat on them. My cheeks +were sunken, and my fingers were like pipe-stems. I wondered how a man +could change so in one night. I saw two or three fellows over at the +other end of the room, and I thought I would get up and go over there +and have some fun with them. I wanted to know where my horse was, and +where I was. I tried to raise up and couldn't get any further than on my +elbow. From that position I looked around to see what was going on, and +tried to attract the attention of some attendant. Finally, I saw four +fellows bringing a stretcher along towards my cot. They had evidently +been told by the doctor that I would be dead in the morning, and having +confidence in the word of the professional man, had come to take me to +the dead house, before the other sick man was awake. As they came up to +the foot of my cot and sat the stretcher down, I thought I would play +a joke on them. I pulled the sheet over my face, and laid still. One of +the men said, “Two of us can lift it, as it is thinner than a lathe.” To +be considered dead, when I was alive, was bad enough, but to be called +“it” was too much. I felt one of the men take hold of my feet, and then +I threw the sheet off my face and in a hoarse voice I said, “Say, Mr. +Body-snotcher, you can postpone the funeral and bring me a porter-house +steak and some fried potatoes.” Well, nobody ever saw a couple of men +fall over themselves and turn pale, as those fellows did. Before I +had given my order for breakfast, the two men had fallen back over +the stretcher and the two others were backing on as though a ghost had +appeared. But finally they came toward me and I convinced them that I +was not dead. They seemed hurt to know that I was still alive, and one +of them went off after the doctor, to enter a complaint, I supposed. +The doctor soon came and he was the only one that seemed pleased at my +recovery. He ordered some sort of gruel for me, but wouldn't let me have +meat and things. I took the gruel under protest but it did strengthen +me. I told the doctor I wanted him to send for my horse, because I +wanted to go out with the boys, but he said he guessed I wouldn't go out +with the boys very soon. He said I might sit up in bed a little while, +and when I did so I found that I did not have my clothes on, but was +clothed in a hospital night-gown, which was also used for a shroud for +burial when a fellow died. He said Jim and the girl would be in about 10 +o clock, as he had sent for them, and some of my comrades. I told him +if I was going to entertain company, and give a reception, I wanted my +pants on, as I was sure no gentleman could give a reception successfully +without pants. The doctor seemed sort of glad to see me taking an +interest in human affairs again, and so he let me put my pants and +jacket on. I got a butcher to shave me, and when ten o clock came I +looked quite presentable for a skeleton. I was sitting up in bed, with a +little round zinc frame looking-glass, noting the changes in my personal +appearance, when a door opened and Jim entered, dressed up in his best, +with the rebel angel on his arm, and followed by six boys from the +regiment. They came in as solemn as any party I ever saw. The angel +looked as sad as I ever saw anybody, and I thought she had probably +heard that her brother was dead. It did not occur to me that they +had come to attend my funeral. They stood there by the door, in that +helpless manner that people always stand around at a funeral, waiting +for the master of ceremonies to tell them that they can now pass in the +other room and view the remains. I finally caught Jim looking my way, +and I waved a handkerchief at him. He gave me one look, and jumped over +two cots and came up to me with tears in his eyes, and a package in his +hand, and said, “Pard, you ain't dead worth a cent,” and then he hugged +me, and added, “but there ain't enough left of you for a full size +funeral.” Then he unrolled the package he had in his hand, and dropped +on the bed four silver-plated coffin handles. By that time the girl, +and the six boys had seen me, and they came over, and we had a regular +visit. They were all surprised to find me alive, as they had been +notified that I was on my last legs, and would be buried in the morning, +and the captain had detailed the six boys to act as pall-bearers and +fire a salute over the grave, while Jim and the girl were to act as +mourners. + +“Well, it saves ammunition,” said Jim. “But how be I going to get these +coffin handles off my hands. There is no dependence to be placed on +doctors, anyway. When that doctor appointed this funeral, we thought he +knew his business, and I told the angel, say I, 'My pard ain't going +to be buried without any style, in one of those pine boxes that ain't +planed, and has got slivers on.' So I hired the hospital coffin-maker +to sand-paper the inside and outside of a box, and black it with +shoe-blacking, and I went to a store down town and bought these handles. +Of course, pard, I am glad you pulled through, and all that, but I want +to say to you, if you had croaked in the night, and been ready to bury +this A. m., you would have had a more stylish outfit than anybody, +except officers, usually get in this army, and the angel and I would +have been a pair of mourners that would have slung grief so your folks +to home would have felt proud of you.” + +The angel was tickled to see me alive, and suggested to Jim and the +boys, that it was easy to talk a fellow to death after he had been so +sick, and told them to go back to camp, and she would stay with me all +day. So the boys shook hands with me, and Jim had an attendant to roll +my cot up to a window, so I could see my horse when they rode away. The +boys got on their horses and Jim led my horse, and I could see that my +pet had been fixed up for the occasion. He had the saddle on, and it was +draped with black, a pair of boots were fastened in the stirrups, and +my carbine was in the socket. The idea was to have my horse, with empty +boot and saddle tied behind the wagon that took me to the cemetery where +soldiers wind up their career. It was not a cheerful thing to look at, +and to think of, but it did me good to see the old horse, and the boys +ride away in good health, and happy at my escape, and it encouraged me +to make every effort to get well, so I could ride with the gang. The +rebel angel re-mained with me till almost night, and superintended my +eating. No person who has never had a fever, can appreciate the appetite +of a person when the fever “turns.” I wanted everything that was ever +eaten, and roast beef or turkey was constantly in my mind. As anything +of that kind would have made use for Jim's coffin-handles, I had to put +up with soups and gruels. The doctor thought that this thin gruel was +good enough, but it didn't seem to hit the spot, and so the girl asked +the doctor if he thought nice gumbo soup and a weak milk punch wouldn't +be pretty good for me. He said it would, but nobody in the hospital +could make gumbo soup, or milk punch. She said she could, and she told +me not to eat a thing until she came back, and she would bring me a dish +fit for the gods. She said she knew an old colored woman in town, who +cooked for a lady friend of hers, who had some gumbo, and the lady had +a little brandy that was seventy years old, but she said the lady was a +rebel, and I must overlook that. I told her I didn't care, as I had got +considerably mashed on all the rebels I had met personally. She went out +with a smile that would have knocked a stronger man than I was silly, +and I turned over and took a nap, the first real sleep I had had in a +week. I woke up finally smelling something that was not gruel. O, I had +got so sick of gruel. The angel handed me a glass of milk punch, +and told me to drink a swallow and a half. I have drank a great many +beverages in my lifetime, but I never swallowed anything that was as +good as the milk punch that rebel girl made for me. It seemed to go +clear to my toes, and I felt strong. Then she gave me a small soup plate +and told me to taste of the gumbo. I had never tasted gumbo soup before, +but I had no difficulty in mastering it. No description can do gumbo +soup justice, or explain to a person who has never tasted it the rich +odor, and palatable taste. The little that I ate seemed to make a man of +me again, instead of the weak invalid. Since then I have been loyal +to southern gumbo soup, and have always eaten it wherever it could be +obtained, and I never put a spoonful of it to my lips without thinking +of the rebel girl in the hospital, who prepared that dish for me. If +I ever become a glutton, it will be on gumbo soup, and if I am ever a +drunkard, it will be a milk-punch drunkard, and the soup and the punch +must be prepared in the South. + +Well, my experience after that, in the hospital, was about the same as a +hundred thousand other boys in blue, only few of the boys had such care, +and such food. The girl kept me supplied with gumbo soup and milk punch +until I could eat heartier food, and in a couple of days I got so I +could walk around the hospital. At home I had never been much of a hand +to be around with the sick, but experience had been a good teacher, and +I found that going around among the boys, and talking cheerfully did +them good and me too. I found men from my own regiment, that I did not +know had been sick. The custom was to make just as little show about +sending sick men to the hospital, as possible, hence they were often +packed off in the night, and the first their comrades would know of +their illness would be a detail to bury them, or a boy would suddenly +appear in his company, looking pale and sick, having been discharged +from the hospital. If the men had known how many of their comrades were +sent to the hospital, it would have demoralized the well ones. For ten +days I visited around among the sick men, telling a funny story to +a group here and and cheering them up, and writing letters home for +fellows that were too weak to write. I learned to lie a little bit in +writing letters for the boys. One young fellow who had his leg taken +off, wanted me to write to his intended, and tell her all about it, how +the leg was taken off, and how he was sick and discouraged, and would +always be a cripple and a burden on his friends, etc. I wrote the letter +entirely different from the way he told me. I spoke of his being wounded +in the leg but that the care he received had made him all right, and +that he would probably soon have a discharge, and be home, and make them +all happy. I thought to myself that if she loved him as a girl ought to, +that a leg or two short wouldn't make any difference to her, and there +was no use of harrowing up her feelings in advance, and that he could +buy a cork leg before he got home, and may be she would never find it +out. I might have been wrong, but when he got an answer from that letter +he was the happiest fellow I ever saw in this world, and he arranged +at my suggestion, to stop over in New York and get a cork leg before he +went home. I have never learned whether the girl ever found out that he +had a cork leg, but if she did, and blames anybody, she can lay it to +me. Lots of the boys that wrote letters for wanted to detail all of +their calamities to their mothers and sisters and sweet-hearts, but I +worded the letters in a funny sort of way, so that the friends at home +would not be worried, and the answers the boys got would please them +very much. The hardest work I had was a couple of days writing letters +for a doctor, to relatives of boys who had died, detailing the sickness, +death and burial, and notifying friends that they could obtain the +personal effects of the deceased, clothing, money, pipes, knives, etc., +by sending express charges. It always seemed to me that if I had been +running the government I would have paid the express charges on the +clothing of the boys who had died, if I didn't lay up a cent. Finally I +got well enough to go back to my regiment, and one day I showed up at +my company, and the first man I met saluted me and said, “Hello, +Lieutenant.” I told him he did wrong to joke a sick man that way, and +I went on to find Jim. He was in our tent, greasing his shoes, and +he looked up with a queer expression on his face and said, “Hello, +Lieutenant.” + +“Look a here.” I said, as I grasped his greasy hand, “what do you fellows +mean by calling me names, I have never done anything to deserve to be +made a fool of. Pard, what ails you anyway?” + +“Didn't they tell you,” said Jim, as he scraped the mud on his other +shoe with a stick. “The colonel has sent your name to the governor of +Wisconsin to be commissioned as second Lieutenant of the company. All +the boys are tickled to death, and they are going to whoop it up for you +when your commission comes. But this pup tent will not be good enough +for you then, and old Jim will have to pick up another pard. You won't +have to cook your bacon on a stick when you get your commsssion, and you +can drink out of a leather covered flask instead of a flannel covered +canteen. But by the great horn spoons I shall love you if you get to be +a Jigadier Brindle,” and the old pard looked as though he wanted to cry +like a baby. + +“Jim,” I said, “I think the fellows are giving us taffy, and that there +is nothing in this Lieutenant business. But if there is, you will be my +pard till this cruel war is over, and don't you forget it,” and I went +along the company street towards the colonel's tent, leaning on a cane, +and all the boys congratulated me, and I felt like a fool. + +“Lieutenant, I am glad to see you back,” said the Colonel, as I entered +his tent, and he showed it in his face. “What is the foolishness, +colonel? I asked. The boys are all guying me. Can't I stay a private?” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + Thanksgiving Dinner with the “Rebel Angel”--She Gives Me a + World of Good Advice--Can an Officer be Detailed To Go And + Shovel Dirt?--My First Day As A Commissioned Officer. + +The last chapter of this history wound up in my interview with the +colonel, in which he told me that what the boys had said was true, and +that I had a right to to be called “Lieutenant.” He said there was a +vacancy in the commissioned officers of my company, caused, by some +discrepancy in regard to the ownership of a horse which an officer had +sold as belonging to him, when investigation showed that there was +“U. S.” branded on the horse. The colonel said he had looked over the +company pretty thoroughly, and while I was not all that he could desire +in an officer, there were less objections to me than to many others, and +he had recommended the governor of our state to commission me. He said +he didn't want me to run away with the idea that my promotion from +private to a commissioned office was for any particular gallantry, or +that I was particularly entitled to promotion, but I seemed the most +available. It was true, he said, that I had done everything I had been +told to do, in a cheerful manner, and had not displayed any cowardice, +that he knew of, though I had often admitted to him that I was a coward. +He said he thought few men knew whether they were cowards or not, until +they got in a tight place, and that most men honestly believed they were +cowards, but they didn't want others to know it, and they took pains to +conceal the fact. He said he had rather be considered a coward than a +dare-devil of bravery, for if he flunked when a chance come to show his +metal, it wouldn't be thought much of, and if he pulled through, and +made a decent record for bravery, he would get a heap of credit. He +said he believed it took a man with more nerve to do some things he +had ordered me to do, than it did to get behind a tree and shoot at the +enemy, and he was willing to take his chances on me. He congratulated +me, and some of the other officers did the same. + +I was invited to sit into a game of draw poker with some of the +officers. I pleaded that I was not sufficiently recovered from my +sickness to play poker, and I went back to my tent to talk with Jim. I +was thinking over the new responsibilities that were about to come to +me, and figuring on the salary. A hundred and fifty dollars a month! +It is cruel to raise the salary of a poor devil from thirteen dollars a +month to a hundred and fifty. I wondered how in the world the government +was ever going to get that much out of me. Certainly I couldn't do any +more than I had been doing towards crushing the rebellion for thirteen +dollars. And what would I do with so much money? In my wildest dreams of +promotion I had never hoped to be a commissioned officer. I had thought +sometimes, a week or two after I enlisted, that if I was a general I +could put down the rebellion so quick the government would have lots of +nations left on its hands to spoil, but a few months active service had +taken all that sort of nonsense out of me, and I had been contented as +a private. But here I was jumped over everybody, and made an officer +unbeknown to me, It made me dizzy. I was not very strong anyway, and +this thing had come upon me suddenly I was thinking of the magnificent +uniform I would have, and the fancy saddle and bridle, and the regular +officer's tent, with bottles of whiskey and glasses, when Jim asked me +if I wouldn't just hold that frying-pan of bacon over the fire, while +he cooked some coffee. He said we would just eat a little to settle our +stomachs, and then go out to Thanksgiving dinner. + +“Thanksgiving dinner,” I said. “What are you talking about?” + +“Don't you know,” said Jim, “to-day is Thanksgiving? The 'angel' told +me last night to bring you out to the plantation to-day, and I was going +after you at the hospital if you hadn't showed up. She has received a +letter from her brother, who is a rebel prisoner at Madison, and he says +a Yankee hotel-keeper at Madison, that you had written to, had called +at the pen where they were kept, and had brought him a lot of turkey and +fixings, and offered to send him a lot for Thanksgiving, so the rebel +boys could have a big feed, and he says he is well and happy, and going +to be exchanged soon. And she wants us to come out and eat turkey and +'possum. I had rather eat gray tom-cat than possum, but I told her we +would come. So we will eat a little bacon and bread, and ride out.” + +“Well, all right Jim,” I said. “We will go, but in my weak state I can't +be expected to eat possum. If there is anything of that kind to be eat, +Jim, you will have to eat it. However, I will do anything the rebel +angel asks me to do,” I added, remembering her kindness to me when I was +sick. + +The ride to the plantation, after several weeks confinement, was better +than medicine, and I enjoyed every step my proud horse took. The animal +acted as though he had been told of my promotion, but it was plain to me +that he acted proud, because he had been resting during my sickness. It +was all I could do to keep Jim alongside of me. He would fall back every +little while and try to act like an orderly riding behind an officer. +I had to discipline him before he would come up alongside like a +“partner.” I mention this Thanksgiving dinner in the army, in order to +bring in a little advice the rebel girl gave me, which I shall always +remember. We arrived at the old plantation house where the girl and her +mother and some servants were living, waiting for the war to close, so +the men folks could come back. The old lady welcomed us cordially, the +girl warmly and the servants effusively. The dinner was good, though +not elaborate, except the possum. That was elaborate, and next to gumbo +soup, the finest dish I ever tasted. After we had got seated at the +table, the old lady asked a blessing, and it was more like a prayer. +She asked for a blessing upon all of the men in both armies, and made us +feel as though there was no bitterness in her heart towards the enemies +of her people. During the dinner Jim told of my promotion, and the +circumstance was commented on by all, and after dinner the rebel angel +took me one side, and said she had got a few words of advice to give me. +She commenced by saying: + +“Now that you are to be a commissioned officer, don't get the big head. +During this war, we have had soldiers near us all the time, and I have +seen some splendid soldiers spoiled by being commsssioned. Nine out +of ten men that have received commissions in this locality, have been +spoiled. I am a few years older than you, and have seen much of the +world. You are a kind hearted man, and desire to treat everybody well, +whether rich or poor, yankee or confederate. If you let this commission +spoil you, you are not worthy of it. You will naturally feel as though +you should associate with officers entirely, but you will find in them +no better companions than you have found in the private soldiers, and I +doubt if you will find as true friends. Do not, under any circumstances, +draw away from your old friends, and let a barrier raise up between you +and them. My observation teaches me that the only difference between the +officers and men in the Union army, is that officers get more pay for +doing less duty; they become dissipated and fast because they can better +afford it, they drink more, put on style, play cards for money, and +think the world revolves around them, and that they are indispensible +to success, and yet when they die, or are discharged for cause, private +soldiers take their place and become better officers than they did, +until they in turn become spoiled. I can think of no position better +calculated to ruin a young man than to commission him in a cavalry +regiment. Now take my advice. Do not run in debt for a new uniform and +a silver mounted sword, and don't put a stock of whisky and cigars into +your tent, and keep open house, because when your whisky and cigars are +gone, those who drank and smoked them will not think as much of you as +before, and you will have formed habits that will illy prepare you for +your work. You will not make any friends among good officers, and you +will lose the respect of the men who have known you when you were one of +them, but who will laugh at you for getting the big head and going back +on those who are just as good as you are, but who have not yet attained +the dignity of wearing shoulder straps. I meet officers every day, who +were good soldiers before they were raised from privates, and they show +signs of dissipation, and have a hard look, leering at women, and trying +to look _blasé_. They try to act as near like foreign noblemen who are +officers, as they can, from reading of their antics, but Americans +just from farms, workshops, commercial pursuits, and the back woods +and country villages of the north, are not of the material that foreign +officials are made of, and in trying to imitate them they only show +their shallowness. Do not, I beg of you, change one particle from what +you have been as a private soldier, unless it is to have your pants fit +better, and wear a collar. Of course, you will be thrown among officers +more than you have before. Imitate their better qualities, and do not +compete with them in vices. Always remember that when a volunteer army +is mustered out, all are alike. The private, who has business ability, +will become rich and respected, after the war, while the officer, who +has been promoted through favoritism, and who acquires bad habits, will +keep going down hill, and will be glad to drive a delivery wagon for the +successful private, whom he commanded and snubbed when he held a proud +position and got the big head. Now, my convalescent red-headed yankee, +you have the best advice, I know how to give a young man who has struck +a streak of luck. Go back to your friends, and may God bless you.” + +Well, I had never had any such advice as that before, and as Jim and me +rode back to camp that Thanksgiving evening, her words seemed to burn +into my alleged brain. I could see how easy it would be for a fellow to +make a spectacle of himself. What did a commission amount to, anyway, +that a fellow should feel above anybody. When we arrived in camp, and +went into our tent to have a smoke, the chaplain came in. I had not +seen much of him lately. When I was sick I felt the need of a chaplain +considerably. Not that I cared particularly to have him come and set +up a howl over me, as though I was going to die, and he was expected +to steer me the right way. But I felt as though it was his duty to look +after the boys when they were sick, and talk to them about something +cheerful. But he did not show up when I needed him, and when he called +at our tent after I was well, there wasn't that cordiality on my part +that there ought to have been. He had a package which he unrolled, after +congratulating me on my recovery, and it proved to be a new saber, with +silver mounted scabbard and gold sword handle. The chaplain said he had +heard that I was to be commissioned, and he had found that saber at a +store down town, and thought I might want to buy it. He said of course +I would not want to wear a common government saber, as it would look too +rude..He said he could get that saber for forty dollars, dirt cheap, and +I could pay for it when I got my first pay as an officer. I could see +through the chaplain in a minute. He had thought I would jump at the +chance to put on style, and that he could make ten or fifteen dollars +selling me a gilt-edged saber. I thanked him warmly, and a little +sarcastically, for his great interest in the welfare of my soul, in +sickness and in health, but told him that I was going to try and pull +through with a common private's saber. I told him that the few people I +should kill with a saber, would enjoy it just as well to be run through +with a common saber. My only object was to help put down the rebellion, +and I could do it with ordinary plain cutlery, as well as silver-mounted +trappings. I said that to smear a silver-mounted saber all over with +gore, would spoil the looks of it. The chaplain went out, when a drummer +for a tailor shop came in with some samples, and wanted to make up a new +uniform for me, regardless of expense. I stood him off, and went to bed, +tired, and thought I had rather be a private than a general. The next +morning it was my turn to cook our breakfast, and I turned out and built +a fire, cut off some salt pork, and was frying it, when the orderly +sergeant came along and detailed Jim and me, with ten or a dozen others +to go to work on the fortifications. The rebels-were preparing to attack +our position, and the commanding officer had deemed it advisable to +throw up some earthworks. I told the orderly that he couldn't detail me +to work with a shovel, digging trenches, when I was an officer, but he +said he could, until I received my commission and was mustered in. I +left my cooking and went to the colonel's tent. He was just rolling out +of his bunk, and I said: + +“How is it, Colonel? Can an officer be detailed to go and shovel dirt? I +have been detailed by the orderly, with a lot of privates, to report +to the engineer, to throw up fortifications. That does not strike me as +proper work for a commissioned officer.” + +“You will have to go,” said the colonel, as he stood on one leg while he +tried to lasso his other foot with a pants leg. “It may be three months +before your commission will arrive, and then you will have to go to New +Orleans to be mustered out as a private and mustered in as an officer. +Until that time you will have to do duty as a private.” + +“Then what the devil did you say anything about my being commissioned +for, until the commission got here,” said I, and I went back and +finished cooking breakfast for myself and Jim. + +Our detail went down to the river, at the left of the line, and reported +to the engineer, and were set to work cutting down trees, throwing up +dirt, and doing about the dirtiest and hardest work that I had ever +done. As a private I could have done anything that was asked of me, +but the thought of doing such work, while all the boys were calling me +“Lieutenant,” was too much. I never was so crushed in my life. How glad +I was that I did not buy that gilt-edged saber of the chaplain. We had +to wear our side arms while at work, fearing an attack at any +minute, and I thought how ridiculous I would have looked with that +silver-mounted saber hanging to me, while I was handling a shovel like a +railroad laborer. If that detail was made to humiliate me, and reduce my +proud flesh, that had appeared on me by my sudden promotion, it had the +desired effect, for before night I was as humble an amateur officer as +ever lived. I had chopped down trees until my hands were blistered, and +had shoveled dirt until my back was broke, and at night returned to my +tent too tired to eat supper, and went to bed too weary and disgusted to +sleep. And that was my first day as a commissioned officer. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + My Sickness and Hospital Experiences Have Spoiled Me for a + Soldier--I Am Full of Charity, and Hope the War Will Cease-- + We Have a Grand Attack--The Battle Lasted Ten Minutes--The + Rebel Angel's Brother is Captured. + +I became satisfied, more each day, that my sickness, and experience in +the hospital, had spoiled me for a soldier. Being attended to so kindly +by a rebel girl and getting acquainted with her people, and hearing her +mother pray earnestly that the bloodshed might cease, sort of knocked +what little fight there was in me, out, and I didn't hanker any more +for blood. It seemed to me as though I could meet any rebel on top of +earth, and shake hands with him, and ask him to share my tent, and help +eat my rations. + +The fact of being promoted to a commissioned office, didn't make me feel +half as good as I thought it was going to, and I found myself wishing I +could be a he sister of charity, or something that did not have to +shoot a gun, or go into any fight. I got so I didn't care whether my +commission ever arrived or not. The idea of respectable men going out to +hunt each other, like game, became ridiculous to me, and I wondered why +the statesmen of the North and South did not get together and agree +on some sort of a compromise, and have the fighting stop. I would have +agreed to anything, only, of course, whatever arrangement was made, it +must be understood that the South had no right to secede. Then I would +think, Why, that is all the South is fighting for, and if they concede +that they are wrong it is the same as though they were whipped, and of +course they could not agree to that. I tried to think out lots of ways +to wind the business up without fighting any more, but all the plans +I made, maintained that our side was right, and I concluded to give +up worrying about it. But I made up my mind that I would not fight any +more. I was still weak from sickness, and there was no fight in me. I +thought this over a good deal, and concluded that if I was called upon +to go into another fight, where there was any chance of anybody being +killed, I would just have a relapse, and go to the hospital again till +it was over. I had heard of fellows being taken suddenly ill when a +fight was in prospect, and I knew they were always laughed at, but I +made up my mind that I had rather be laughed at than to hurt anybody. +There was no thought of sneaking out of a fight because of the danger of +being killed myself, but I just didn't want to shoot any friends of that +girl who had nursed me when I was sick. These thoughts kept coming to me +for a week or more, and one evening it was rumored around that we were +liable to be attacked the next day. Some of our regiments had been out +all day, and they reported the enemy marching on our position, in force. +The rebels that lived in town could not conceal their joy at the idea +that we were to be cleaned out. They would hint that there were enough +Confederates concentrating at that point to drive every Yankee into the +river, and they were actually preparing bandages and lint, to take care +of the Confederates who might be wounded. If we had taken their word for +it there wouldn't be a Yankee left in town, when the Confederate boys +begun to get in their work. I went to bed that night resolved that I +should not be so well in the morning, and would go to surgeon's call, +and be sent to the hospital. But I didn't like the way those rebels +talked about the coming fight. Egad, if they were so sure our fellows +were going to be whipped, may be I would stay and see about it. If they +thought any of our fellows were going to slink out, when they made their +brags about whipping us, they would find their mistake. However, if I +didn't feel very well in the morning, I would go to surgeon's call, but +I wouldn't go to the hospital. In the meantime, I would just see if I +had cartridges enough for much of a row, and rub up the old carbine a +little, for luck. Not that. I wanted to shoot anybody dead, but I could +shoot their horses, and make the blasted rebels walk, anyway. And so all +that evening I was part of the time trying to see my way clear to get +out of a regular fight, where anybody would be liable to get hurt, +and again I was wondering if my sickness had injured my eyesight so I +couldn't take good aim at the buttons on a rebel's coat. I was about +half and half. If the rebels would let us alone, and not bring on a +disturbance, I was for peace at any price, but gol-blast them, if +they come fooling around trying to scare anybody, I wouldn't go to a +hospital, not much. I talked with Jim about it, and he felt about as I +did. He didn't want any more fighting, and while he couldn't go to the +hospital, he was going to try and get detailed to drive a six mule +team for the quartermaster, but he cleaned up his gun all the same, and +looked over his cartridges to see if they were all right. We got up +next morning, got our breakfast, and Jim asked me if I was going to the +hospital and I told him I would wait till afternoon. I asked him if he +was going to drive mules, and he said not a condemned mule, not until +the fight was over. There was a good deal of riding around, orderlies, +staff officers, etc. Artillery was moving around, and about eight o +clock some of our boys who had been on picket all night, came in looking +tired and nervous, saying they had been shot at all night, and that the +rebels had got artillery and infantry till you couldn't rest, and they +would make it mighty warm for us before night. Orders come to each +company, that no soldier was to leave camp under any circumstances, to +go to town or anywhere. I told Jim if he was going to drive mules, he +better be seeing the quartermaster sergeant, but he said he never was +much gone on mule driving, anyhow. But he said if he looked as sick as +I did he would go to the hospital too quick. I told him there wasn't +anything the matter with me. Pretty soon, over to the right, near the +river, there was a cannon discharged. It was not long before another +went off around to the left, and then a dozen, twenty, a hundred, +all along the line. They were rebel cannon, and pretty soon they were +answered by our batteries. Then there was a rattling of infantry, and +the noise was deafening. I expected at the first fire that our bugler +would come out in front of headquarters and blow for heaven's sake, for +us to saddle up, but for three hours we loafed around camp and no move +was made. It was tiresome. We started to play cards several times, but +nobody could remember what was trumps, and we gave that up. Some of our +boys would sneak up on to a hill for a few minutes, against orders, and +come back and say that they could see the fight, and it was which and +tother. Then a few more would sneak off, and after awhile the whole +regiment was up on the hill, looking off to the hills and valleys, +watching rebel shells strike our earth works and throw up the dust, and +watching our shells go over to the woods where the rebels were. Then +I found myself hoping our shells were just paralyzing the Johnnies. +Presently the ambulances began to come by us, loaded with wounded, and +that settled it. When there was no fighting, and I was half sick, and +felt under obligations to a Confederate girl for taking care of me, +I didn't want any of her friends hurt, but when her friends forgot +them-selves, and come to a peaceable place, and began to kill off our +boys, friendship ceased, and I wondered why we didn't get orders to +saddle up and go in. We were all on the hill watching things, when the +colonel, who had been riding off somewhere, came along. We thought he +would order us all under arrest for disobeying orders, but he rode up to +us, and pointing to a place off to the right a mile or so, where there +was a sharp infantry fight, he said, “Boys, we shall probably go in +right there about 3 p.m., unless the rebels are reinforced,” and he rode +down to his tent. Well, after about twenty ambulances had gone by us +with wounded soldiers, we didn't care how soon we went in there. We +watched the infantry and artillery for another hour, as pretty a sight +as one often sees. It was so far away we could not see men fall, and it +was more like a celebration, until one got near enough to see the dead. +Presently the regimental bugle sounded “Boots and saddles,” and in a +minute every man on the hill had rushed down to his tent, even before +the notes had died away from the bugle. Nothing was out of place. Every +soldier had known that the bugle _would_ sound sooner or later, and we +had everything ready. It did not seem five minutes before every company +was mounted, in its street, waiting for orders. Jim leaned over towards +me and said, “Hospital?” and I answered, “Not if I know myself,” and I +patted my carbine on the stock. I said to him, “Six mule team?” and he +whispered back, “Nary six mule team for the old man.” Then the bugle +sounded the “Assembly,” and each company rode up on to the hill and +formed in regimental front facing the battle. Every eye was on the place +where the colonel had said we would probably “go in.” There never was a +more beautiful sight, and every man in the cavalry regiment looked at +it till his eyes ached. Then came an order to dismount and every man was +ordered to tighten up his saddle girth as tight as the horse would bear +it, and be sure his stirrup straps were too short rather than too long. +To a cavalry man these orders mean business. + +Then we mounted again, and a few noticed a flag off to the right +signaling. The colonel noticed it and coolly gave the order, “fours +right, march.” We went off towards the fighting, then right down by our +own cannon and formed in line behind the infantry, that was at work with +the enemy, the artillery firing over our heads at the confederates in +the woods. The noise was so loud that one could not hear his neighbor +speak; but above it all came a buggle note, and glancing to the left, +another cavalry regiment, and another, formed on our left. Another bugle +note, and to the right another cavalry regiment formed, and for half a +mile there was a line of horsemen, deafened by the waiting the command +of some man, through a bugle. If the rebels had time to notice those +four regiments of cavalry, fresh and ready for a gallop, they must have +known that it was a good time to get away. Finally, our artillery ceased +firing and it seemed still as death, except for the rattling of infantry +in front of us. The rebel artillery had ceased firing also, and a great +dust beyond the woods showed that they were getting away. The bugle +sounded “forward” and that line of cavalry started on a walk. The +infantry in front ceased firing, and went to the right of us at a +double-quick, and the field was clear of our men. While our cavalry was +walking, they kept a pretty good line, each man glancing to the +right for a guide. As we neared the place where our infantry had been +stationed, it was necessary to break up a little to pass dead and +wounded without riding over them, and when falling back to keep from +hurting a wounded comrade, a look at the line up and down showed that it +was almost a mob, with no shape, but after get-ing forty rods, we +passed the field where men had fallen, and the order to “close up, guide +right,” was given, and in an instant the line was perfect. Then came the +order to trot, and we went a short distance, until the rebels could +be plainly seen behind trees, logs, and in line, firing. We halted and +fired a few rounds from carbines, and then dropped the carbines, on +orders. For a moment nothing was done, when officers ordered every man +to draw his revolver, and when the six charges had been fired, after +near-ing the enemy, to drop the revolver in the holster, and draw +sabers, and every man for himself, but to rally on the colors, at the +sound of the bugle, and not to go too far. Talk about being sick, and +going to the hospital, or driving mules! Coward as I was, and I knew it, +there was something about the air that made me feel that I wouldn't be +in the hospital that day for all the money in the world. All idea of +being sorry for the enemy, all charity, all hope that the war might +close before any more men were killed, was gone. After looking in the +upturned faces of our dead and wounded on the field, the more of the +enemy that were killed the better. It is thus that war makes men brutal, +while in active service. They think of things and do things that they +regret immediately after the firing ceases. The next ten minutes was the +nearest thing to hell that I ever experienced, and it seemed as though +my face must look like that of a fiend. I felt like one. The bugle +sounded “forward,” and then there was an order to trot, and the +revolver firing began, with the enemy so near that you could see their +countenances, their eyes. Some of them were mounted, others were on +foot, some on artillery caissons, and all full of fight. It did not take +long to exhaust the revolvers, and then the sabers began to come out, +and the horrible word “charge,” came from a thousand throats, and every +soldier yelled like a Comanche Indian, the line spread out like a fan, +and every soldier on his own hook. Sabers whacked, horses run, everybody +yelled. Men said “I surrender,” “What you jabbing at me for when I ain't +fighting no moah,” “Drop that gun, you Johnnie, and go to the rear.” + Ones of pain and anguish, and awful sounds that a man ought never to +hear but once. The business was all done in ten minutes. + +Many of our men were killed and wounded, and many of theirs were treated +the same way. Those who could get away, got, and those we passed without +happening to hit them, were prisoners, because the infantry followed +and took them back to the rear. Jim and me stayed as near together as +possible, and we noticed one young Confederate on a mule. His left arm +was hanging limp by his side, and as Jim passed on one side of him and I +on the other, he said, as he held up his right hand, “I dun got enough, +and I surrender.” The thing was about over, the bugle having sounded the +“recall,” and we turned and went back with this Confederate. He was +as handsome a boy as ever fired a gun, and while he was pale from his +shattered left arm, and weak, he said, “You gentlemen are all fine +riders, sir. You fought as well as Southern men, sir.” That was a +compliment that Jim and me acknowledged on behalf of the northern army. +He couldn't have paid our regiment a higher compliment if he had +studied a week. Then he said: “I was a fool to be in this fight. I was +a prisoner and was only exchanged last week. I might have remained at +home on a furlough, but when our army came along yesterday, and the boys +said there was going to be a fight, I took my sisters mule, the only +animal on the place, and came along, and now I am a cripple.” I looked +at the mule, and I said to Jim, in a whisper, “I hope to die if it isn't +the angel's mule. That must be her brother.” Jim was going to ask him +what his name was, when we neared the place, where our regiment was +forming and the surgeon of our regiment came along, and I said, “Doc, I +wish you would take this young fellow and fix up his arm nice. He is a +friend of mine. Take him to our regimental hospital.” Then we went +back to the regiment, the prisoners were taken away, and after marching +around through the woods for an hour we rode back to our camp, and the +battle was over. Two or three hours later I went over to the regimental +hospital and found the black-eyed confederate with his arm dressed, and +he was talking with our boys as though he belonged there. Some one asked +how he happened to be there, and the old doctor said he believed he was +a relative of one of our officers. Anyway he was going to stay there. I +gave him a bunch of sutler cigars, and left him, and an hour later the +“angel” showed up, pale as death, and wanted some one to go with her to +the battle held to help find the body of her dead brother. She said he +had arrived home from the North the morning before, and had gone into +the fight, and when the Confederates came back, defeated, past their +plantation, her brother was not among them, and she knew he was dead. +I have done a great many things in my life that have given me pleasure, +but no one that I remember of that made me quite so happy as I was to +escort the girl who had been so kind to me, to the hospital where her +brother was. His wound was not serious, and he sat on a box, smoking a +cigar, telling the boys the news from Wisconsin. He had just come from +there, where he was a prisoner, and he couldn't talk enough about the +kindness of the “people of the nowth.” His sister almost fainted when +she found him alive, then hugged him until I was afraid she would +disturb his arm, and then she sat by him and heard him tell of his visit +to Wisconsin. Before night he was allowed to go home with his sister on +parole, and Jim and I were detailed to go and help bury the dead of the +regiment. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + I am Detailed to Drive a Six-Mule Team--I am Covered with + Red Mud--I am Sent on an Expedition of Cold-Blooded Murder-- + I Make a Dozen ex-Confederate Soldiers Happy by Setting Them + Up in Business. + +After the battle alluded to in my last chapter, it took us a week or +more to get brushed up, the dead buried, and everything ready to go to +living again. A battle to a regiment in the field is a good deal like +a funeral in a family at home. When a member of a family is sick unto +death, all looks dark, and when the sick person dies it seems as though +the world could never look bright again. Every time the relatives and +friends look at any article belonging to a deceased friend, the agony +comes back, and it is quite a while before there is any brightness +anywhere, but in time the tear-stained faces become smiling, the lost +friend is thought of only occasionally, and the world moves along just +the same. So in the army. For a few days the thought of comrades being +gone forever, was painful, and no man wanted to ride the horse whose +owner had been killed, but within a week the feeling was all gone, and +if a horse was a good one he didn't stay in the corral very long on +account of some good fellow having been shot off his back. The boys +who couldn't remember what was trumps on the day of the battle---(and +a soldier has got to be greatly interested in something else to forget +what is trumps) returned to their card-playing, and no one would know, +to look at them, that they had passed through a pretty serious scare, +and seen their comrades fall all around. We told stories of our +experience in the army and at home, and entertained each other. I +couldn't tell much, except what a good shot I was with a shotgun and +rifle, and I told some marvelous stories about hitting the bull's eye. +It got to be tiresome waiting around for my commission to arrive, and I +did not quite enjoy being a commissioned high private. Everybody knew +I had been recommended for a commsssion, and they all called me +“Lieutenant,” but all the same I was doing duty as a private. For two +or three clays I was detailed to drive mules for the quartermaster, and +that was the worst service I ever did perform. It seemed as though +the colonel wanted to prepare me for any service that in the nature of +things I was liable to be called upon to perform. I kicked some at being +detailed to drive a six-mule team, but the colonel said I might see the +time when I could save the government a million dol-lars by being able +to jump on to a wheel mule and drive a wagon loaded with ammunition, +or paymaster's cash, out of danger of being captured by the enemy. So I +went to work and learned to gee-haw a six-mule team of the stubbornest +mules in the world, hauling bacon, but there was no romance in taking +care of six mules that would kick so you had to put the harness on them +with a pitchfork, for fear of having your head kicked off. If I ever +get a pension it will be for my loss of character and temper in driving +those mules. I have been in some dangerous places, but I was never in +so dangerous a place, in battle, as I was one day while driving those +mules. One of the lead mules got his forward foot over the bridle some +way, and I went to fix it, and the team started and “straddled” me. As +soon as I saw that I was between the two lead mules, and that the team +had started, I knew my only-safety was in laying down and taking the +chances of the three pairs of mules and wagon going straight over me. +To attempt to get out would mix them all up, so I fell right down in +the mud, which was about a foot deep, and just like soft mortar. As the +mules passed on each side of me, every last one of them kicked at me, +and I was under the impression that each wheel of the wagon kicked at +me, but I escaped everything except the mud, and when I got up on my +feet behind the wagon, the quartermaster, who was ahead on horseback, +had stopped the team. He called a colored man to drive, and told me I +could go back to the regiment. I tried to sneak in the back way, and not +see anybody, but when I passed the chaplain's tent a lot of officers, +who had been sampling his sanitary stores, come out, and one of them +recognized me, and they insisted on my stopping and talking something +with them. Honestly, there was not an inch of my clothing but was +covered with, red mud, that every soldier remembers who has been through +Alabama. They had fun with me for half an hour and then let me go. I +have never been able to look at a mule since, without a desire to kill +it. + +I had said so much about my marksmanship with a rifle, that one day I +was sent for by the colonel. He said he had heard I was a crack shot +with the rifle, and I admitted that I was a pretty good shot. He asked +me if I could hit a man's eye every time at ten paces. I told him I was +almost sure I could. He said he had a duty that must be performed by +some man that was an excellent shot, and I might report at once with +forty rounds of ammunition. I don't know when I had been any more +startled than I was at the colonel's questions, and his manner. Could it +be that he had some secret expedition of murder that he wanted to send +me on. I had never deliberately aimed at a man's eye, and if there +was anybody to be killed I would be no hand to do it in cold blood. It +seemed as though I had rather give anything than to kill a man, but that +was evidently the business the colonel had in his mind. Was it a lot of +prisoners that were to be killed in retaliation for some of our men who +had been treated badly by the enemy. I reported shortly, with my carbine +and forty cartridges, and the colonel told me to go to a certain place +on the bank of the river, a mile away, and report to the chaplain, who +would be there to see that everything was done properly. Then when I +started off I heard the colonel say to the adjutant that there were +about forty to be killed, and while it seemed cruel, it had to be done, +and he hoped they would suffer as little as possible. If I could have +had my way, I wouldn't have gone a step. I reflected on the pained look +on the colonel's face, and wondered why I was picked out for all these +sad events, but I thought if the chaplain was there everything would +be all right. Arriving at the placed I found the chaplain sitting on a +stump, on a big bluff overlooking the river. He sighed as I came up and +said: + +“Death is always a sad thing.” + +I told him that no one appreciated it more than I did, and I sighed +also. + +“But,” said he, as he took a chew of navy plug tobacco, “when death +is necessary, we should make it as painless as possible, I have been +studying this matter over a good deal, and trying to figure out how +to make the death the least painful to these poor victims, and it has +occurred to me that if we place them on the edge of the precipice, and +you shoot them through the brain, while at the same time I push them, +they will fall down a hundred feet into the river, and if they are not +killed instantly by having the brain blown out, they will certainly +drown. How does that strike you?” + +I thought the chaplain was about the most heartless cuss I ever heard +talk about killing people, but I said that seemed to me to be the best +way, but a cold chill went over me as I thought of shooting anybody +through the head and the chaplain pushing him down the cliff into the +water. I was just going to ask him what the men had done, when he said: + +“Ah, there they come.” + +I looked, and a lot of colored men were leading about forty old +back-number horses and mules, afflicted with glanders and other +diseases. + +“Are the niggers to be killed?” I asked. + +“Naw,” said the chaplain. “The horses and mules.” + +I was never so relieved in all my life as I was when I found that my +excellent marksmanship was to be expended on animals instead of human +beings. But I did feel hurt, the idea of a brevet officer, a man +qualified to do deeds of daring, being detailed one day to drive mules +and the next-to shoot sick horses. But I decided to do whatever I had +to do, well, and so preparations were made for the executions. The +glandered horses were brought out first, and then the ones with sore +backs. Many of them were first-rate horses, their only fault being sores +made from the saddles, and as it would take months to cure them up, and +as the army was going to move soon, it had been decided to kill them +rather than leave them to fall into the enemy's hands, or take them +along to be cured on the march. I shot about a dozen glandered horses, +that being the largest game I had ever killed, and the bodies fell down +into the river. Then there was a mule that was ugly, and it occurred to +me I would have some fun with the chaplain. + +We were outside the lines, and quite a number of men had gathered from +the plantations, on hearing the firing, to see what was up. I suggested +to the chaplain that it was a shame to kill so many good horses, when +they might be of use to some of the planters, but he said they were all +rebels, and it was not the policy of the government to set them up in +business, by giving them horses to use tilling crops. I argued that the +men had come home from the confederate army--this was in 1864--either +discharged for wounds or disability, or paroled prisoners, and they were +anxious to go to work, but that they hadn't a dollar, and our army had +skinned every horse and mule on their places, and the niggers had gone, +so that a horse would be a God-send to them. But the chaplain wouldn't +hear to it. The men, who had collected, were mostly too proud to ask for +a horse from a Yankee, but I could see that they did not like to see the +animals killed. I thought if I could get the chaplain, who had been +sent out to the execution as a sort of humane society, to see that the +animals were killed easy, to go back to camp and leave me alone with the +horses, I could kill them or not, as I chose. They brought out the ugly +mule next, and my idea was to shoot the mule through the tip of the ear, +while the chaplain stood near with a rail to push it over the bank, and +maybe the mule would flax around and kick the chaplain up a tree, or +scare him so he would leave. I took deliberate aim at the mule's ear, +told the chaplain to push hard with the rail so the corpse would be sure +to go over the cliff, and fired. Well, I have never seen such a scene in +all my life. The mule seemed to squat down, when the bullet hit the top +of his ear, then he brayed so loud that it would raise your hat right +off your head, then he jumped into the air and whirled around and kicked +in every direction with all four feet at once, fell down and rolled over +towards the chaplain, and got up, and seeming to think the chaplain +was the author of the misery, started for him, and that good man dodged +behind trees until he got a chance to climb up one, which he did, and +sat on a limb and shook his fist at the mule and me. He used quite +strong language at me for not killing the animal dead. Finally the +niggers caught the mule and the chaplain dismounted from the limb, and +came to me. I told him my carbine was out of order, and I should have to +take it apart and fix it, and that there was no knowing whether it would +shoot where I aimed it or not, after it was fixed, and I might have +trouble with the rest of the horses. It would take an hour at least to +fix the gun. He said he guessed he would go back to camp, and leave me +to finish up the slaughter, and that was what I wanted. The colored men +were anxious to go back too, so I let them tie the horses to trees, and +all go back except one, whom I knew. After they had all gone I went up +to the dozen southern men who had been watching the proceedings, and +asked one who was called colonel by the rest, if he didn't think it was +wrong to kill the horses when by a little care they could be of much +use in tilling crops. “Well, sah,” said he with dignity. “If it is not +disloyalty, sah, for a southern gentleman to criticize anything that +a yankee does, I should say, sah, that it was a d----d shame, sah, to +steal our horses, and after using them up, sah, kill them in cold blood, +sah. Each one of those animals sah, would be a gold mine, sah, at this +time, to us who have come from the wah, sah, destitute, with nothing but +our bare hands to make a crop, to keep our families from want, sah.” + +The other gentlemen nodded at what the colonel had said, as though +that was about their sentiments. I told him that I felt about that way +myself, but there was an objection. If I gave the horses away, for use +on the plantations, and the animals should be used hereafter in the +confederate army, it would not only be wrong, but I would be liable to +be dismissed from the army. + +The colonel said he should want to be dismissed from the Yankee army if +he was in it, but I might feel different about it. But he said he would +pledge me his word as a Southern gentleman, that if the animals could be +lent to them, they should never be used for war purposes. He said he was +poor, and his friends there were poor, but they would not take a horse +as a gift from a stranger, but if I would lend them the horses for a +year, they would use them, and return them to the proper officer a year +hence, if the army was yet in existence, or they would take them in +exchange for horses that had previously been stolen from them by our +army. He said there was not a gentleman present but had lost from two to +a dozen horses since the army had been in their vicinity. I admired the +dignity and honesty of the old gentleman, and I knew mighty well that we +had picked up every horse we could find, and I said: + +“Colonel, here are about thirty horses I have been ordered to kill. If +I do not kill them I take a certain responsibility. I feel under +obligations to many Southern people for courtesies, and I feel that the +nursing I received during a recent sickness, from one of your Southern +ladies, about the same as saved my life. I believe the war is very near +over, and that neither you nor our men will have occasion for much more +active service. You have come home to your desolate plantations, and +found everything gone. This is the fate of war, but it is unpleasant all +the same. If you can use these animals for your work, in raising crops, +you may take them in welcome, and if there is any cussing, I will stand +it. My advice would be to take them to some isolated place on your +plantation, and keep them out of sight for a time. Our army will move +within a week, and perhaps never come back here. The animals are +branded 'U. S.' which will always remain. If the horses are found in your +possession, later, you may have to say that they were given to you by +an agent of the quartermaster. If they are taken from you, grin and bear +it. If you are permitted to keep them, and they do you any good, I shall +be very glad. If I get hauled over the coals for giving aid and comfort +to the enemy, I will lie out of it some way, or stand my punishment like +a little man. The horses are yours, as far as I am concerned.” + +“Well, sah, you are a perfect gentleman, sah,” said the colonel, as he +took my hand and shook it cordially. “And I should be proud to entertain +you at my place, sah. We have got little left, sah, but you are welcome +to our home at any time. I am an old man, with a bullet in my leg. +Two of my boys are dead, in Virginia, sah, and I have one boy who is a +prisoner at the north. If he comes home alive, we will be able to make +a living and have a home again. The war has been a terrible blow to +us all, sah. I reckon both sides, sah, have got about enough, and +both sides have made cussed, fools of themselves. When this affair is +settled, sah, the north and south will be better friends than ever, sah. +I wish you a long life, sah.” + +The other gentlemen expressed thanks, and they picked out two or three +horses apiece and led them away, it seemed to me as happy a lot of +gentlemen as I ever saw. I called the colored man, and we started +for camp. For a five dollar bill, and a promise to always take a deep +interest in the colored man's welfare, I got his promise that he would +never tell anybody about my giving the horses away, and for nearly a +year he kept his promise. I went back to headquarters and reported that +the animals had been disposed of, and that evening I was invited to set +into a poker game with some of the officers, and when we got up I +had won over a hundred dollars. I looked upon the streak of luck as a +premium for my kindness to the gentlemen who took the horses, but some +of the officers seemed to have a suspicion that I concealed cards up my +sleeve. It is thus that the best of us are misunderstood. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + I Demonstrate that Gambling Does Not Pay--I Cause a General + Stampede--Christmas in the Pine Woods of Alabama--Millions + of Dollars, but no Christmas Dinner. + +When I went away from the party of officers, where we had been playing +draw-poker, with a hundred dollars in my pocket, which I had won from +men who thought they were pretty good poker players, I felt as though +I owned the earth. I had my hand in my pocket, hold of the roll of +greenbacks, and in that way constantly realized that I was no common +pauper. I had never thought that I was an expert at cards, but this +triumph convinced me that there was more money to be made playing poker +than in any other way. I figured up in my mind that if I could win a +hundred dollars a night, and only played five nights a week, I could +lay up two thousand dollars a month. To keep it up a year would make me +rich, and if the war lasted a couple of years I could go home with money +enough to buy out the best newspaper in Wisconsin. It is wonderful +what a train of thought a young man's first success in gambling, or +speculation, brings to him. I went to bed with my hundred dollars +buttoned inside my flannel shirt, and dreamed all night about holding +four aces, full hands, and three of a kind. All that night, in my sleep, +I never failed to “fill” when I drew to a hand. I made up my mind +to break every officer in the regiment, at poker, and then turn my +attention to other regiments, and win all the money the paymaster should +bring to the brigade. I got up in the morning with a headache, and +thought how long it would be before night, when we could play poker +again, and I wondered why we couldn't play during the day, as there was +nothing else going on. It got rumored around the regiment that I had +cleaned the officers out at poker the night before, and the boys seemed +glad that a private had made them pay attention. I had not yet got my +commsssion, and so any victory I might achieve was considered a victory +for a private soldier. Several of the boys congratulated me. The nearest +I ever come to quarreling with my old partner, Jim, was over this poker +business. I showed him my roll, and told him how I had cleaned the +officers out, and instead of feeling good over it, Jim said I was a +confounded fool. I tried to argue the matter with Jim, but he couldn't +be convinced, and insisted that they had made a fool of me, and had let +me win on purpose, and that they would win it all back, and all I had +besides. He said I had better let the chaplain take the hundred dollars +to keep for me, and stay away from that poker game, and I would be +a hundred ahead, but I didn't want any second-class chaplain to be a +guardian over me, and I told Jim I was of age, and could take care of +myself. Jim said he thought I had some sense before I was commsssioned, +but it had spoiled me. He said in less than a week I would be borrowing +money of him. I knew better, and went around camp with my thumbs stuck +in my armholes, and felt big. It was an awful long day, but I put in the +time thinking how I would draw cards, and bet judiciously, and finally +night came, and I went over to the major's tent, where the officers +usually congregated. I was early, and had to wait half an hour before +the crowd showed up. As they came in each had something to say to me. +“Here's the man who walked off with our wealth last night,” said one. +“Here's our victim,” said another. “We will send him to his tent tonight +without a dollar.” They chaffed me a good deal, but I made up my mind +that I could play as well as they could, and some of them were old +fellows that had played poker before I was born. Well, we went to work, +and the first hand I got I lost ten dollars. It was the history of all +smart Aleck's, and there is no use of going into details. In less than +an hour they had won the hundred dollars, and fifty that I had sewed +inside my shirt to keep for a rainy day, and they had joked me every +time I bet until I was exasperated to such an extent that I could have +killed them. Winning or losing money with them was a mere pastime, and +they seemed to enjoy losing about as much as winning. I was too proud, +or too big a fool to leave the game when I had lost all I had, and I +borrowed a little of each of them, and lost it, and then I said I was +tired and I guessed I would go to bed, and I went out, dizzy and sick at +heart, and the officers laughed so I could hear them clear to my tent. On +the way to my tent, and as I walked around for half an hour before going +there, I thought over what a fool I was, how I had forgotten all the +good advice ever given me by my friends. Knowing that I was not intended +by nature for a gambler, I had gone in with my eyes open, made a +temporary success, got the big head, as all boys do, and gone back and +laid down my bundle, and become the laughing stock of the whole crowd. +I figured up that I was just an even hundred dollars out of pocket, and +decided that I would never try to get it back. I would simply swear off +gambling right there, forget that I knew one card from another, pay up +my gambling debts when I got my first pay, and never touch a card again. + +That was the wisest conclusion that I ever come to. After I had walked +around until my head cleared off a little, I went in the tent sly and +still, to go to bed without letting Jim hear me. I was ashamed, and +didn't want to talk. I heard Jim roll over on his bunk, and he said: + +“Bet ten dollars, pard, that you lost all you had.” + +“Jim, I won't bet with you. I have sworn off betting intirely.” + +“Help yourself,” said Jim, as he reached over his greasy old pocketbook +to me. “Take all you want, now that you have come to your senses. But +you must admit that what I said about your being a fool, was true.” + +“Yes, and an idiot, and an ass,” I said, as I handed back Jim's money. +“But that settles it. I will never gamble another cent's worth as long +as I live, and if I see a friend of mine gambling, I will try and break +him of the habit. There is nothing in it, and I went to sleep, and +didn't dream any more about winning all the money in camp.” + +Two days before Christmas our cavalry, consisting of a full brigade, +started on a raid, or a march through the enemy's country, and as I +could not act as an officer very well, before my commission arrived, and +as the colonel seemed to hate to see me in the ranks when I was looked +upon as an officer, he sent me to brigade headquarters on a detail to +carry the brigade colors. The brigade colors consisted of a blue guidon, +on a pole. The butt end of the pole, or staff, was inserted in a socket +of leather fastened to my stirrup, and I held on to the staff with my +right hand when on the march, guiding my horse with my left hand, When +the command halted the colors were planted in the ground in front of +the place which the brigade commander had selected. On the march I rode +right behind the brigade commander and his staff, with the body guard +to protect the precious colors. I was glad of this position, because it +took me among high officials, and if there was anything I doted, on it +was high officers. The colonel had told me that I must be on my good +behavior, and salute the officers of the staff, whenever they came +near me. He said the brigade commander was a strict disciplinarian, and +wouldn't put up with any monkey business. The first hour of my service +as color bearer came near breaking up the brigade. I was perhaps forty +feet behind the brigade commander and his staff, riding as stiff as +though I was a part of the horse, and feeling as proud as though I owned +the army. Suddenly the colonel and staff turned out of the road, and +faced to the rear, and started to ride back to one of the regiments in +the rear. I saw them coming, and felt that I must salute them. How to +do it was a puzzle to me. If I saluted with my left hand, it would be +wrong, besides I would have to drop the reins, and my horse might start +to run, as he was prancing and putting on as much style as I was. If I +saluted with my right hand, I should have to let go the flag staff. The +salute must be sudden, so I could grasp the staff very quick, before it +toppled over. It took a great head to decide what to do, and I had to +decide quick. Just as the brigade commander got opposite me I let go the +flag stair, brought my right hand quickly to the right eye, as nice a +salute as a man ever saw, and returned it to grab the flag stall. But it +was too late. As soon as my right hand let go of the staff, it fell over +and the gilt dart on the end of the staff struck the general's horse in +the flank, he jumped sideways against the adjutant-general's horse, and +his horse fell over the brigade surgeon's horse, the general's horse run +under a tree, and brushed the general off, and the whole staff was wild +trying to hold their horses, and jumping to catch the general's horse, +and pick the general off the ground. In the meantime my horse had got +frightened at the staff and flag that was dragging on the ground, with +one end in the socket in the stirrup, the pole tickling him in the +ribs, and he began to dance around, and whirl, and knock members of the +color-guard off their horses, and they stampeded to the woods leaving me +in the road, on a frightened horse, whirliing around, unmanageable, the +start striking trees and horses, until the staff was broken. + +The regiment in the rear of us saw the commotion, saw the general +dismounted, and the colors on the ground, and a general stampede in +front, and, thinking the general and staff had been ambushed by the +rebels, and many killed, the colonel ordered his men forward on a +charge, and, in less time than it takes to write it, the woods were +full of charging soldiers, looking for an imaginary enemy, a surgeon +had opened up a lot of remedies, and all was confusion, and I was the +innocent cause of it all. I had seen my mistake as soon as the flag +staff knocked the general off his horse, and when I dismounted and +picked up the flag, and the pieces of the staff, and found myself +surrounded by excited troops, I wondered if the general would pull his +revolver and shoot me himself, or order some of the soldiers to kill me. +For choice I had rather have been killed by a volley from a platoon of +soldiers, but I recognized the fact that the general had a perfect right +to kill me. In fact I wanted him to shoot me. I was trimming the limbs +off a sapling for a makeshift flag staff, when I saw the crowd open, and +the general walked towards me. His face was a trifle pale, except where +the red clay from the road covered it, and I felt that the next moment +or two would decide in what manner I was to meet my doom. I remembered +what the colonel had told me, about the general being a strict +disciplinarian, and wondered if it wouldn't help matters if I should +fall on my knees and say a little prayer, or ask him to spare my life. +I wondered if I would be justified in drawing my revolver and trying to +get the drop on the general. But I had no time to think it over, for he +come right up to me, and said: + +“I beg your pardon, my young friend, for the trouble and annoyance I +have caused you. I should have known better than to ride so near you, +and frighten your horse, when you had only one hand to guide the animal. +Are you hurt? No; well, I am very glad. Ah, the flag staff is broken! +Let me help you tack the flag on the sapling. Orderly, bring me some +nails. Let me whittle the bark off the sapling, so it will not hurt your +hands. When we get into camp tonight, and the wagons come up, I will see +that you have another staff. There, don't feel bad about it. There is no +damage.” + +Bless his soul! I could, have hugged him for his kindness. When he came +towards me, I was mad and desperate, and when he spoke kind words to +me, my chin trembled, and I felt like a baby. He stopped the brigade for +half an hour, to help fix up my flag, and all the time talked so kindly +to me, that when the thing was fixed, I felt remorse of conscience, and +said: “General, I am entirely to blame myself. I tried to perform the +impossible feat of saluting you and holding the colors at the same time, +which I am satisfied now cannot be done successfully. Lay it all to me.” + +“I knew it,” said the good old general, “and I was going to tell you +that you are not expected to salute anybody when you have the colors. +You are a part of the flag, then. You will learn it all by and by,” and +he mounted his horse and rode away about his business, as cool as though +nothing had happened, and left me feeling that he was the best man on +earth. Further acquaintance with the old man taught me that he was one +of nature's noblemen. He was an Illinois farmer, who had enlisted as a +private, and had in time become colonel of his regiment, and had been +placed in command of this brigade. Every evening he would take an axe +and cut up fire-wood enough for headquarters, and he was not above +cleaning off his horse if his servant was sick, or did not do it to +suit, and frequently I have seen him greasing his own boots. + +Two days out, and we were in the pine woods of Alabama, with no +habitation within ten miles. After a day's march we went into camp in +the woods, and it was the afternoon before Christmas. The young pines, +growing among the larger ones, were just such little trees as were used +at home for Christmas trees, and within an hour after getting the camp +made, every man thought of Christmas at home. The boys went off into +the woods and got holly, and mistletoe, and every pup tent of the whole +brigade was decorated, and they hung nose bags, grain sacks, army socks +and pants on the trees. Around the fires stakes had been driven to hang +clothes on to dry, and as night came and the pitch pine fires blazed +up to the tops of the great pines, it actually looked like Christmas, +though there was not a Christmas present anywhere. After supper the +brigade band began to play patriotic airs, with occasionally an old +fashioned tune, like “Old Hundred,” the woods rung with music from the +boys who could sing, and everybody was as happy as I ever saw a crowd +of people, and when it came time to retire the band played “Home, Sweet +Home,” and three thousand rough soldiers went to bed with tears in their +eyes, and every man dreamed of the dear ones at home, and many prayed +that the home ones might be happy, and in the morning they all got up, +stripped the empty Christmas stockings off the evergreen trees, put +them on, and went on down the red road, and at noon the army entered +Montgomery, Alabama, the first capital of the confederate states, took +possession of the capital building in which were millions of dollars of +confederate money and bonds. Every soldier filled his pockets and saddle +bags with bonds and bills of large denominations. It was a poor soldier +that could not count up his half a million dollars, but with all the +money no man could buy a Christmas dinner. A dollar in greenbacks would +buy more than all of the wagon loads of confederate currency captured +that day. And yet the people of Montgomery looked upon the arrival of +the Yankees much as they would the arrival of a pestilence. However, +it was not many days before a better understanding was arrived at, and +Yankee blue and Confederate gray got mixed up, and acquaintances were +made that ripened into mutual respect and in some cases love. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + I Go on a Scouting Expedition--My Horse Dies of Poison-- + I Turn Horse-Thief--I Capture a Church, Congregation, and + Ministers, but I Spare the Communion Wine. + +Let's see, the last chapter left me with a million dollars, more or +less, of confederate money in my possession, and yet I had not enough +to buy a square meal. I think there was no one thing that caused, the +people of the confederate states, outside of their army, to realize the +hopelessness of their cause, along in '64, as much as the relative +value of confederate money and greenbacks. Of course the confederate +soldiers, poor fellows, realized the difference some, when they could +get hold of greenbacks, but the people of the south who did not have +rations furnished them, and who had to skirmish around and buy something +to live upon, early learned that a greenback was worth “two in the +bush,” as it were. No community in the south was more loyal to the +confederacy than the people of Montgomery, Alabama. They tried to use +confederate currency as long as there was any hope, and they tried hard +to despise the greenbacks; but when it got so that a market basket +full of their own currency was looked upon with suspicion by their own +dealers in eatables, and a greenback was sought after by the dealer, and +its possessor was greeted with a smile while the overloaded possessor +of confederate currency was frowned upon, more in sorrow than in anger, +however, a wild desire took possession of the people to get hold of the +hated greenbacks; and a soldier or army follower who had a good supply +of greenbacks was met more than half way in reconciliation; and little +jobs were put up to get the money that made many ashamed, but they had +to have greenbacks. Many would have given their lives if confederate +money could have been as good as the money of the invaders, but it was +not and never could be, and it was not an hour after the enemy was in +Montgomery before people who had been loyal to the south up to that +hour and believed in its currency, went back on it completely, and +they cherished the greenback and hugged it to their bosoms like an old +friend. They had rather had gold, but good green paper would buy so much +more than any currency they had known for years, that they snatched it +greedily. And many of them enjoyed the first real respect for the +Union that they had had for four years, when they met the well-fed and +well-clothed Union soldiers, who did not seem as bad as they had been +painted, the poorest one of which had more money in his pockets than the +richest citizen of supposed wealth. The people seemed surprised to meet +well-dressed private soldiers who could converse on any subject, and who +seemed capable of doing any kind of business. Fires broke out in many +places in the city, and Union soldiers went to work with the primitive +fire apparatus at hand and put out the fires. Locomotives had been +thrown from the track of the railroad in an attempt to destroy them, and +private soldiers were detailed to put the locomotives together and run +them, which they did, to the surprise of the people. An officer would +take charge of a quantity of captured property, and he would detail the +first half-dozen soldiers he met to go and make out an invoice of +the property, and the boys would do it as well as the oldest southern +merchant. A planter that could not speak anything but French would come +to the captain, of a company to complain of something, and the captain +after vainly trying to understand the man, would turn to some soldier +in his company and say, “Here Frenchy, talk to this man, and see what +he wants,” and the soldier would address the planter in French, politely, +and in a moment the difficulty would be settled, and the planter +would go away bowing and smiling. Any language could be spoken by the +soldiers, and any business that ever was transacted could be done by +them. A soldier printer visited the office of a city paper, and in a +conversation with the editor informed him that there were editors enough +in his regiment to edit the New York _Herald_. At first the better class +of citizens, the old fathers in Israel, of the confederacy, stood +aloof from the new soldiers in blue, expecting them to be insolent, as +conquerors are sometimes supposed to be; but soon they saw that the boys +were as mild a mannered and friendly and jolly a lot as they ever saw, +not the least inclined to gloat over their fallen enemy, and at times +acting as though they were sorry to make any trouble; and it was not +long before boys in blue and citizens in gray were playing billiards +together, with old gentlemen keeping count for them, old fellows, who a +week before would have been insulted if any one had told them they would +ever speak to a Yankee soldier. The second day the southern ladies, who +had kept indoors, came out and promenaded the beautiful streets, and +seemed to enjoy the sight of the bright uniforms, and before night +acquaintances had been made, and it did not cause any remark to see +Union officers and soldiers waiting with ladies, talking with animation, +and laughing pleasantly. It almost seemed, as though the war was over. + +It was about this time that I stole my first horse. I had ridden horses +that had been “captured” from the enemy, in fair fights, and that had +been accumulated in divers ways by the quartermaster, and issued to the +men, but I never deliberately stole a horse. Two or three companies +of my regiment had gone off on a scout, to be gone a couple of days, +leaving the command at Montgomery, and one day we were encamped on an +old abandoned field, taking dinner. The horses and mules were grazing +near us, and there was no indication that any epidemic was about to +break out. We were about sixty miles from Montgomery, and were cooking +our last meal, expecting to make a forced march and be back before +morning. I had got the midday meal for Jim and myself cooked, the bacon, +sweet potatoes, coffee and so forth, and spread upon a horse blanket on +the ground, and we were just about to sit down to eat, when a mule that +had been browsing near us, and snooping into our affairs, attracted +our attention. All of a sudden the animal became rigid, and stood up as +stiff as possible, then its muscles relaxed, and it became limber, and +whirled around and brayed, backed up towards us, and as we rushed away +to keep from being kicked, the mule fell over in a fit directly on our +beautifully cooked dinner, rolled over on the bacon and potatoes and +coffee, and trembled and brayed, and died right there. I looked at Jim +and Jim looked at me. “Well, condam a mule, anyway,” said Jim. “That +animal has been ready to die for two hours, and just to show its +cussedness, it waited until we had our dinner cooked, the last morsel we +had, and then it fell in a fit, and expired on our dining table.” I made +some remark not complimentary to the mule as a member of society and +we went to the corpse and pulled it around to see if we couldn't save +a mouthful or two that could be eaten. We could not, as everything was +crushed into the ground. I suggested that we cut a steak out of the +mule, and broil it, but Jim said he was not going to be a cannibal, if +he knew his own heart. While we were looking at the remains of our meal, +my horse, the rebel horse that I had rode so many months, and loved so, +which was hitched near, lay down, began to groan and kick, and in two +minutes he was dead. Then Jim's horse went through the same performance +and died, and by that time there was a commotion all around camp, horses +and mules dying suddenly, until within half an hour there were only a +dozen animals alive, and forty cavalrymen, at least, were horseless. The +camp looked like a battle field. Nobody knew what was the matter of the +animals, until an old negro, who lived near, came out and said, “You uns +ought to know better than to let you horses eat dat sneeze weed. Dat is +poison. Kills animals, just like rat poison.” And then he showed us a +weed, with a square stem, that grew there, and which was called sneeze +weed. He said native animals would not touch it, but strange animals eat +it because it was nice and green. Well, we were in a fix. The men were +called together, and the major told them there was nothing to do but to +take their saddles and bridles on their backs and walk to Montgomery, +unless they could steal a horse. He advised us to scatter into parties +of two or three, enough to protect ourselves from possible attack, go on +cross roads, and to plantations, forage for something to eat, and take +the first horse or mule we could find, and report to Montgomery as soon +as possible. Jim and I, of course, decided to stand by each, other, and +after the men who had not lost their horses, had rode away, the forty +dismounted men shouldered their saddles, and started in different +directions, seeking some other men's horses. I never had realized that +a cavalry saddle was so heavy, before. Mine seemed to weigh a ton. We +struck a cross road, and followed it for two or three miles, when +I called a council of war, with Jim. I told him that it was all +foolishness to lug those heavy saddles all over the Southern +Confederacy. If we succeeded in stealing horses, we could probably steal +saddles, also, or if not we could get a sheepskin. I told Jim I would +receipt to him for his saddle, and then I would leave them in a fence +corner, and if we ever got back to the regiment I would report the +saddle lost in action. + +Jim said I had a great head, and he consented, and we left our saddles +and moved on. Jim said that now we had only a bridle and a pair of +spurs, we were more like regularly ordained horse-thieves. He said the +most successful horse-thief he ever knew in Wisconsin never had anything +but a halter as his stock in trade. He would go out with a halter, with +a rope on the end, pick up a horse, put the rope in the horse's mouth, +and ride away, and nobody could catch him. I asked Jim if he didn't feel +humiliated, a loyal soldier, to class himself with horse-thieves. He +said when he enlisted he made up his mind to do nothing but shoot +rebels through the heart or the left lung. It was his idea to be a +sharpshooter, and aim at the button on the left breast of the enemy, but +when he found that lots of the rebels didn't have any buttons on their +coats and that he might shoot all day at a single rebel and not hit him, +and that shooting into them in flocks didn't seem to diminish the enemy +the least bit, he had made up his mind to turn his hand to anything; +and if the rebellion could be put down easier by his stealing horses +at thirteen dollars a month, he would do it if ordered. He said we were +only putting in time, promenading around, and we should get our salary +all the same. And so we wandered on, talking the thing over. When we +came to a plantation we would walk all around it, and examine the woods +and swamps adjacent, because the people of the South had learned that +a horse or a mule was not safe anywhere out of the most impenetrable +swamp. It was dark when Jim and I decided to camp for the night, and we +went into a deserted cotton gin and prepared for a sleep. It was almost +dark, and Jim said he had just seen a chicken, near a cabin, fly up in a +peach tree to roost, and he was going to have the chicken as soon as it +was dark. I laid down on some refuse cotton, and Jim went out after the +chicken. I had fallen asleep when Jim returned, and he had the chicken, +and a skillet, and a couple of canteens of water. I crawled out of my +nest and built a fire, while Jim dressed the chicken, and got the water +to boiling, and the chicken was put in. For three hours we boiled the +chicken, but each hour made it tougher. I told Jim he might be a success +as a horse-thief, but when it come to stealing tender poultry he was a +lamentable failure, but he said it was the only hen on the place, and if +I didn't want to eat it I could retire to my couch and he would set up +with the hen. I was so hungry, and the smell of the boiling hen was so +Savory, that I remained awake, and at about midnight Jim announced that +he had succeeded in prying off a piece of the breast, so we speared +the hen out of the water, laid it on the frame of a grindstone in the +gin-house, and sat down to the festive board. “Will you have the light +or the dark meat,” asked Jim, with a politeness that would have done +credit to a dancing-master. I told, him I preferred the dark meat, so he +took hold of one leg and I the other, and we pulled the hen apart. The +hen seemed to be copper-rivetted, for when I got a chunk of it down, and +it chinked up a vacant place in the stomach, it did seem as though there +was nothing like hen to save life. We eat sparingly that night, because +we were weak, and the hen was strong, and we laid down and slept +peacefully, and awoke in the morning hungry. When the hen became cold, +in the morning it _was_ tough. “Will you have some of the cold chicken,” + said Jim, and I told him I would try a little. It was better than India +rubber, and we made a breakfast and started on. It was Sunday. As we +came out to the main road, we saw people dressed up, that is, with clean +shirts. As ten o clock approached we could see colored people and white, +wending their way to a little church in the pine woods. We kept out +of sight, and waited, several parties passed us on horseback, some in +carriages, and many on foot. Presently three soldiers of our scattered +party came along carrying saddles, and we called them into the woods, +where we were. I unfolded to them my scheme, which was to surround that +church, hold the worshippers as prisoners inside, while we stole the +horses that would be hitched to the fence. Jim kicked on it. He said he +had rather walk than to interfere with people who were enjoying their +religion. He said he was never very pious himself, but his parents were, +and he should always hate himself if he helped to raid that church. The +other fellows were for going for the horses. Pretty soon four more +of our boys came along, and we called them in. They had got on to the +church services, and had their eyes on the horses. That made nine of +us, and as we were armed, we believed we could capture those old men and +women and negroes, and get the horses. + +Being a brevet officer I was placed in command of the party, and a plan +was agreed upon. We were to scatter and surround the church, and ask the +people outside to step inside, and then lock the door, and place a guard +on three sides of the little old church where there were windows, but +not to fire a gun unless attacked, and not to speak disrespectfully +to any person. If there was any argument with anybody, I was to do the +talking. We decided to take about fifteen horses, if there were that +number there, because we would be sure to find some of our scattered +boys dismounted before we got far toward Montgomery, and it was a good +idea to take horses when we had a chance. Well, it was a job I did +not like, but what was a fellow to do. We were sixty miles from +headquarters, on foot and out of meat. I had never been in a church row +before. It seemed as though religious worshippers ought to be exempt +from war, with its wide desolation. But business was business. We +surrounded the church, walking up quietly from different directions, +and as we closed up on the sacred edifice half a dozen men, white and +colored, were standing in front, and two men were talking over a horse +trade. The minister was expounding the gospel, talking loud, and all +else was still. We invited the outsiders to go in, which they did with +some reluctance, the door was fastened on the outside, guards were +placed, and the preaching stopped. The minister had been informed that +the yankees had captured the place. There were only two sides of the +church with windows, so two guards were sufficient, and the rest of us +went to work skinning the harnesses off the horses. A window was raised +and an old man stuck his head out and said, as one of the boys was +mounting an old mare belonging to him, “I forbid you touching that +mare.” A carbine was pointed at the window, and the old man drew in his +head, and the window was slammed down. + +[Illustration: I forbid you touching that mare 287] + +We had got sixteen pretty good horses, when a window on the other side +opened, and the minister's head was put out, and he said, “In the name +of the church I command you to desist.” He looked so fierce that Jim, +who was on guard on that side, and who had objected to the scheme on +account of its being a church, cocked his carbine and pointed it at +the minister and said, “gol darn you, dry up!” He dried up, the window +closed and except for the heads at the windows, and faces looking very +mad, all was quit. When we had got the horses strung out, and the men +were mounted, I looked in a carriage, accidentally, and saw a basket, +covered over with a paper. The paper was a religious one, published at +Savannah, and being a newspaper man, I looked at the leading editorial, +which was headed, “The Lord will provide.” I never took much stock +in regular stereotyped editorials, but when I turned my eye from the +editorial to the basket, I realized than an editorial in a religious +newspaper, was liable to contain much truth, for the basket was filled +with as fine a lunch as a man ever saw. It seemed that the people came +quite a long distance to church, and brought their dinner, remaining to +the afternoon services. O, but I was hungry. I looked in several other +carriages, and found baskets in each. Every man in my party was as +hungry as a she wolf, and I knew they would not leave a mouthful if +they once got to going on the lunches, and as it wasn't the policy of my +government to take the bread from the mouths of Sunday-school children, +I decided to divide the lunches. So I appointed Jim and an Irishman to +help me, and we opened all the baskets and took half. Jim came to one +basket with two loaves of bread and two bottles of wine, and he stopped. + +He said, “Pard, that lay-out in the big basket, with the silver pitcher, +is for the communion. I'm a bold buccaneer of the Spanish main, but I'll +be cussed if I touch that.” + +The Irishman said no power on earth could get him to touch it, and +he crossed himself reverently, and we left the communion lay-out, and +passed the half we had taken from the baskets around among the boys, and +they eat as though a special providence had provided them with appetites +and means of satisfying them. After enjoying the meal the boys said we +ought to return thanks for the good things the pious people had provided +for us, so I went to the door of the church, opened it, and faced the +congregation. There were old and young, and some of them looked mad, +and I didn't blame them. In a few well chosen remarks I addressed +the minister, telling him I regretted the circumstances, but it was +necessary to do what we had done. We had tried to do it as pleasantly as +possible, but no doubt it seemed hard to them. I said we had got to go +to Montgomery, and that if any of them who had lost their horses, would +come there within a few days, I had no doubt the proper authorities +would return them their horses, but that they must stand the loss of a +half of their lunch, as we had divided it up as square as we knew how. +One young Confederate soldier, with an empty sleeve, who had come to +church with his mother, and who could, no doubt, realize the situation +better than the rest, said, “That is all right, Mr. Yankee. I would +do the same thing, under the circumstances, if I was in your country, +horseless and hungry.” There were some murmurs of dissatisfaction, some +smiled at the situation, and we mounted and rode away. Before we were +out of sight the whole congregation was out of the church, under the +pine trees, taking an account of stock, or lost stock, and no doubt +saying hard things of the Yankees. We traveled all day and nearly all +night, picked up some of our dismounted men, and arrived in Montgomery +the next day before noon. In a few days my one-armed confederate +soldier, who was home from the army in Virginia, having been discharged +for disability, came to Montgomery with the people who had lost their +horses at the church, and I had the satisfaction of seeing many of them +either receive their animals back, or vouchers from the quartermaster, +by which they got pay from the government for the animals. And I +entertained the one-armed confederate for two days, and we became great +friends. Two years ago I met him in Georgia, grown gray, and found him +connected with a Georgia railroad, and we had a great laugh over my +capture of the congregation. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + The Spotted Horse--His Shameful Behaviour at a Funeral--I + was Tempted to Have My Horse Shot--But I Traded Him to the + Chaplain. + +It seemed to me that my luck was the worst of any man's in the army, and +I was constantly getting into situations that caused, my conduct to +be talked about. When we raided the church, mentioned last week, for +horses, I saw a nice white horse with red spots on him, with a saddle, +and being the commander of the squad of horse-thieves, it was no more +than right for me to take my choice first, so I chose the spotted horse, +and thought I had the showiest horse in the army. The animal was a sort +of Arabian, and before I had rode him a mile I was in love with him. +then I got to Montgomery a man told me that horse used to belong to a +circus that closed up there the first year of the war, and was sold to +a planter. He said the horse was considered one of the finest ever seen +in the South. I felt much elated over my capture, and refused several +offers to trade. I thought no horse was too good for me, and for two or +three days I did nothing but feed and groom my spotted horse, until his +coat shone like satin, and he felt so kitteny that I was almost afraid +to get on his back. One morning an order was issued for the regiment +to turn out in a body to attend the funeral of a major of one of the +regiments, who had died, and I was sent for to carry the brigade colors, +a position I had been relieved from after we arrived at Montgomery. The +boys all dressed up in their best, and I looked about as slick as any of +them, and with my spotted horse, I felt as though I would attract about +as much attention as any of the officers in the procession. At the +proper time I mounted my horse and rode over to brigade headquarters, +not without some difficulty, for my horse saw the crowd on the streets, +and evidently thought it was circus day, for he pranced and snorted, and +walked with one fore-foot at a time, pawing as you have seen a horse in +a circus, trained to walk that way. As I rode up to brigade headquarters +and stopped, I must have touched my horse with my foot somewhere, for +he got down on his knees, and as I got off, the horse laid down right in +front of the colonel's tent, just as he would in a circus. Even then I +did not realize that the confounded brute was a circus trick-horse. He +had been taught to lay down, evidently, at a certain signal. And he laid +there, looking up at me with his cunning eyes, waiting for me to give +the signal for him to get up, but I “did not know the combination,” and +he wouldn't get up for kicking, so I stood there like a fool waiting to +see what he would do next. The colonel commanding the brigade, the nice +old man who had helped me out of my difficulty with my other horse, on +the march when he got on a tantrum, come out of his tent and said he +guessed my horse was sick, and he told an orderly to go to the cook +house and get a little red pepper and let the horse take a snuff of +it. In the meantime my horse got up on his fore feet and sat on his +haunches, like a dog, just as circus horses always do, reached up his +neck and took a nice white silk handkerchief out of the breast of the +colonel's coat, and held it in his mouth. It was a circus trick, and +I knew it, but the colonel said, “Poor horse, he is sick,” and as the +orderly come with the red pepper the colonel held it to the horse's +nose. The horse got up, and I mounted, and it must have been about that +time that the red pepper began its work, for my horse stood on his +fore feet and kicked up, then got on his hind feet and reared up, +and snorted, and come down on the colonel's tent, and crushed it to +the-ground, and broke the colonel's camp cot, got tangled in the guy +ropes, and tore everything loose and jumped out in the street, and began +to paw and snort. I suppose there was a thousand people around by that +time, soldiers and citizens, and I sat there on that horse and wished I +was dead, and I guess the colonel did so too. + +Finally it was time to move, and the colonel sent out the brigade colors +to me, and the start started up street towards the funeral. My horse +started with them, and seemed proud of the flag, and I guess he would +have gone along all right, only a band down the street began to play +a waltz. Do you know, that spotted horse began to waltz around just as +though he was in a circus, and I couldn't keep him straight to save me. +The colonel seemed mortified, as we were approaching the place where the +services were to be held, and it was necessary to appear solemn. +Finally we began to get out of hearing of the band, and my horse stopped +waltzing, but he kept up a-dancing, and snorting from the red pepper, +until I could have killed him. When the colonel and his staff, including +myself and the circus-horse, arrived at the place where the funeral was, +another band was playing a very solemn sort of a funeral tune, and for a +wonder my horse did not act up at all. He seemed to stand and think, as +though trying to make out what kind of music it was. He had evidently +never heard such music in the circus and did not know what to do. When +the body was brought out of the house, and the procession started down +the street for the grave, a drum major, with a staff in his hand, came +along by me, and I have always thought my horse took the drum major for +the ring master of a circus, for he reared up and walked on his hind +feet, and pawed the air, and made a spectacle of me that made me so +ashamed that I wanted to be killed. I had the brigade colors in one +hand, and had only one hand and two feet to cling on the horse by, and I +must have looked like a cat climbing the roof of a whitewashed barn. The +drum major got scared at my horse walking towards him in that way, and +he lost his bear-skin cap off and fell over it, and rolled in the sand, +and the horse, thinking that was a part of the circus turned and kicked +at the drum major with both his hind feet, until the poor assistant +musician got up and climbed over a fence. The horse got quiet then, +only he began to nibble his fore leg, as though trying to untie a +handkerchief that the clown had tied on, as they do in the circus. The +colonel rode up to me, and with a good deal of indignation, asked me +what I. meant by causing ourselves to become a spectacle for gods and +men on so solemn an occasion. He said he was tempted to have my horse +shot, and me placed in the guard-house. I told him I hoped to die if I +could help it. I said the horse seemed to be possessed to do some circus +business wherever he went. I confided to the colonel that the horse had +been a circus-horse before the war, and the music and tinsel, and crowd +that he saw, had turned his head and made him think that he was again +with his beloved circus, where he had spent the best years of his life. +The colonel said I ought to have known better than to bring a circus +horse to a funeral. Well, when the drum major got out of sight the horse +acted better, and we went along all right, the solemn music of the +march to the grave seeming to take the circus out of him. He didn't do +anything out of the way on the march, except to put out his fore-feet +stiff, and keep time to the music, like a trained circus horse, which +attracted a good deal of attention among the citizens on the street, +who seemed to know the horse. Just as we got out at che edge of town +he _did_ make one raw break. There was a colored drayman, with his dray +backed up towards the procession, and when my circus horse saw the dray, +before I could prevent him, he whirled around and put his fore feet +upon the hind end of the dray, put one foot on the top of a stake on the +dray, and stood there for a minute, like a horse statute, until I jerked +him down off of there. + +[Illustration: Stood there for a minute, like a horse statute 297] + +O, I was so mortified that my teeth fairly ached, and the perspiration +stood out on me in great beads. A staff officer of the general +commanding, came along to the colonel, presented the compliments of +the general, and asked if he could not do something to prevent that +redheaded clown on the spotted horse from doing any more circus acts +until after the last sad rites had been performed. The colonel said it +should be stopped, and told the start officer to present his compliments +to the general and say that he was humiliated beyond endurance by the +performance of the horse, but that the young man riding the horse +was not to blame, as he had done all in his power to keep the circus +tendencies of the horse down, but he added that he would have the horse +shot if there was any more of it. + +The horse kept quiet until we had got to the cemetery, and returned to +town. As we got into a wide street there was an old circus ring, partly +grown up with weeds, near where the division quartermaster had a large +tent inside a picket fence, filled with quartermaster stores. If I had +known anything, I would have kept the horse's head turned away from the +circus ring, and the tent, but I thought there would be no more trouble. +Just as we got opposite the ring, the band, which had heretofore played +dead marches, struck up a regular ripety-rap-rap-boom-boom circus tune, +and I felt the horse tremble all over. Before I could think twice, the +confounded horse had tried to jump through the bass drum, had knocked +the drummer down, and jumped into the circus ring. I sawed on the bit +and tried to stop him, and dug into his ribs with the spurs, but he +galloped around the circus ring three or four times, and stopped still, +as though expecting a clown would come up and say, “What will the little +lady have now?” O, if I could have had one more hand to use, I would +have drawn my revolver and put a bullet through the brain of the +wretched horse, who was making me the laughing stock of the whole army, +and the citizens. + +The procession moved on towards camp, the colonel seeming relieved to +have me out of sight, with my spotted horse, and a crowd of citizens, +boys and niggers collected around the ring, yelling and laughing. I made +one desperate effort and reined the horse out of the ring, and just +then he caught sight of the quartermaster's tent across the road, and +evidently thinking it was the dressing-room of the circus, he started +for it on a run, jumped the picket fence as though it was a circus +hurdle, and rushed in the door of the tent where a dozen clerks were +weighing out commissary stores, stopped suddenly, and I went over his +head, into a barrel of ground, coffee. The clerks picked me out of the +coffee, and laid me on a pile of corn sacks, and then the horse began to +lay back his ears and chase the clerks out of the tent, and it was awful +the way the animal acted. After I had recovered from the effects of my +fall into the coffee barrel, I got up and took the horse by the bridle, +and led him out of the gate, and up the street to headquarters, with +the brigade flag in my hand. I finally got to headquarters and left +the flag, and the colonel told me he never wanted me around brigade +headquarters again. He said I was a regular Jonah, that brought bad +luck. I apologized the best I could, told him I would never bother +him again, and led my horse back to my regiment. The chaplain of my +regiment, who had not been to the funeral with us, and knew nothing +about the circus, met me, and, as usual, bantered me to trade horses. I +felt as though if I could saw that horse off on to the chaplain, and fix +him so he could engage in the circus business, life would yet have some +charms for me, so after some bantering we got down to business. The +chaplain asked me if I thought it would cause any remark if he should +ride a spotted horse, and I told him I did not know why it should, if +the chaplain behaved himself. He said he didn't know but the boys might +think that a spotted horse was too gay for a chaplain. I told him I +didn't know why a spotted horse couldn't be just as solemn as any horse. +He asked me if the horse had any tricks, and if he was sound. I told him +I had not had him long, but it seemed to me if the horse had any tricks +I should have found it out by this time, and I knew he was sound, +because I jumped a fence with him not an hour ago, and he took the fence +just as though he had jumped fences all his life. I asked ten dollars to +boot, and the chaplain said if I would warrant the horse not to have any +tricks he would take him. I told him I couldn't warrant the horse not to +have any tricks, but that the colonel commanding the brigade wanted my +horse, and he certainly would not want a horse that had tricks. What the +colonel wanted was a horse noted for its strict attention to business. +Then the chaplain said he would trade, and we changed saddles, and the +chaplain led the spotted horse away, and I was revenged for many things +the chaplain had done me. When the chaplain led the spotted horse to his +tent, and all the boys in the regiment saw that I had traded the brute +off, and they thought what a pic-nic they would have the first time the +chaplain rode the horse down town, there was a laugh all through the +regiment, but nobody squealed, or told the chaplain what a prize package +he had secured. I cannot account for it, how I could have coolly traded +that dastardly horse off on to the chaplain, but I was young then. Now, +after arriving at a ripe old age, I would not play such a trick on a +chaplain. The next day there was to be a review, and when the regiment +was notified, I got sick and could not go. I felt as though I did not +want to be a witness of the chaplain's attempt to exhibit a solemn +demeanor, on that circus horse. I thought I should probably die right in +my tracks if the horse acted with him as he did with me, so I remained +in my tent with a wet towel on my head, and saw the regiment ride out +to review, the chaplain on the spotted horse beside the colonel, not +dreaming that it was going to be the most eventful day of his life. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + Tells How the Chaplain was Paralyzed by the Spotted Circus- + Horse--I am Court Martialed--I Plead my own Case, and am + Acquitted. + +In the last chapter I told of trading my circus-horse to the chaplain, +and how the chaplain had rode away with the regiment for review, and I +remained in camp, pretending to be sick. The result of that scheme on my +part was not all my fancy painted it. I stood in front of my tent with +a wet towel around my head, and saw the regiment return from review, the +chaplain's spotted circus horse with no rider, being led by a colored +man, the horse looking as innocent as any horse I ever saw. Where was +the 'chaplain? Had he been killed? I noticed half the men were laughing +and it seemed to me they wouldn't laugh if the good chaplain was dead. +I also noticed that the colonel and his staff wore faces clouded with +anger, and that they seemed as though they would like to kill somebody. +Before the regiment had got fairly dismounted, a sergeant and three men +marched to my tent, and I was arrested, and was informed that I would be +tried at once, by court-martial, for conduct prejudicial to good order +and military discipline. I knew the sergeant, and tried to joke with +him, telling him to “go on with his old ark, as there wasn't going to be +much of a shower,” but he wouldn't have any funny business, and kindly +informed me that I had probably got to the end of my rope, and that +I would no doubt spend the remainder of my term of enlistment in the +military prison. I asked him what the row was about, and he said. I +would find out soon enough. One soldier got on each side of me, and one +behind with sabers drawn, to stick me with if I attempted to get away, +and we started for the colonel's tent. On the way there, the chaplain +came towards us, covered with red clay, and begged the sergeant to allow +him to kill me right there. He was the maddest truly good man I ever +saw. He fairly foamed at the mouth, and said, “O, sergeant, turn him +loose, and let me chew him up.” I said to the sergeant: + +“Now, look-a-here, don't you let that savage get at me, or he will get +hurt. I don't want to have any trouble with the church, but if any +regularly ordained ministerial cannibal of a sky pilot attempts to chew +me, he will find a good deal more gristle than tender loin, and I will +italicise his nose so he will look so crossed-eyed that he can't draw +his pay.” + +My thus showing that I was not afraid of a non-combatant, seemed to have +the desired effect, for he spit on his hands, jumped up and cracked +his heels together, said he would wipe the Southern Confederacy with my +remains, and he went to his tent to change his clothes, and get ready +for the court-martial. The guard took me to the colonel's tent, and I +walked right in where the colonel and major and several others were, and +I said Hello, and smiled, and extended my hand to the colonel. None of +them helloed, and none of them returned my smile, and the colonel did +not shake hands with me. He said, however, that I had brought disgrace +on the regiment, and broken the heart of a noble man, the chaplain. I +told him I didn't think the chaplain's heart was very badly broke, as he +had just ottered to whip me in several languages, and threatened to eat +me. The colonel had me sit down on a trunk and keep still, while the +court-martial convened. It was not many minutes before the officers had +arrived, and organized, the adjutant read the charges and specifications +against me. Not to go into the military-form of charges and +specifications, the substance of them was that I had with malice +aforethought, procured a trick-horse from a circus, with the intention +of inducing the chaplain to trade for it, with the purpose of causing +the aforesaid chaplain to become a spectacle for laughter. When the +charges were read I was asked what I had to say, and I told the Judge +Advocate it was a condemned lie. That made him mad, and he was going +to commence whipping me where the chaplain left off, when the colonel +smoothed matters over by asking me if I didn't mean to plead “not +guilty.” I said, “Certainly, not guilty. It is false. I did not secure +the horse for the purpose of sawing it off on the chaplain. I jayhawked +it, and when I found it was not the kind of a horse for a modest fellow +like me, who didn't want to make any display, I thought I would trade it +to some officer with gall, and the chaplain was the first man who struck +me for a trade, and he got it, and from his remarks to me, and from +these court-martial proceedings, I was satisfied the chaplain did not +like the horse.” The officers laughed then, and I suppose they were +thinking of something that happened to the chaplain on review. The +colonel asked me if I wanted anybody to defend me, and I told him I +had a printing office once next door to a lawyer's office, and I knew a +little about law, and would defend myself. The chaplain came soon, and +began to tell his story, but I insisted, that he be sworn, and then he +proceeded to tell his tale. He said that he was a God-fearing man, and +meant to do right, and was willing to take his chances in the lottery of +war, but when a man got him to ride a circus trick-horse, and bring +upon his sacred calling the ribald laughter of the wicked, he felt that +civilization was a failure. He said he traded for the spotted horse in +good faith, and that he was particular to ask me if the horse had any +tricks, and I said he had none, and he traded on that understanding, +that he rode the afore--said horse to the review, and as soon as the +aforesaid horse heard the band play, he waltzed out into the middle +of the street, whirled around more than fifty times, waltzed into +an infantry regiment, breaking the ranks of the soldiers just as the +reviewing officer come along, causing the reviewing officer to say, “get +out of the ranks, you d-d fool, and take that horse back to the circus,” + thus causing him, the chaplain, to be scandalized. He said he would have +stood that, but the horse carried him to a battery of artillery which +was in position, and began to jump over the guns, and that a gunner +took a swab with which he had been cleaning a gun, and punched him, the +chaplain, in the face, covering his face with burnt powder which smelled +badly. + +Then the horse carried him out on the field in front of the reviewing +officers, got up on its hind feet and walked for half a block, making +the chaplain appear as though climbing up the horse's neck, and when +some of the general's staff came out to arrest him, the horse whirled +around and kicked, in every direction at once, and broke the saber of +one of the staff-officers. That the horse seemed to be possessed of the +devil. That he finally got the horse to go back to the regiment where he +belonged, but on the way he had to pass brigade headquarters, when the +horse stopped in front of the commanding officer and sat down like +a dog, on his hind parts, and tried to shake hands with the colonel +commanding, who was offended, and told the chaplain he was an ass, and +to go away with his museum, or he would have the chaplain put in the +guard house. That a colored man near the review ground had a ginger +bread stand, with a sheet tacked up to keep the sun off, and the spotted +horse attempted to jump through the sheet, evidently thinking it was a +paper hoop in a circus. And in conclusion, after making the chaplain so +mortified and ashamed that he wished he might die, the horse laid down +in the road and rolled over the aforsaid chaplain, leaving him in the +road covered with dirt, while the horse run across the street and walked +up a pair of stairs, outside a store, went into the rooms occupied by +some milliners and scared the women so they put their heads out of +the windows and yelled fire, and said a regiment of Yankee cavalry had +raided their homes. That the review was made a farce, the chaplain a +laughing stock, and that it took ten men to get the horse down stairs, +and half the regiment to console the milliners, and convince them that +no harm was intended. He said he demanded that I be sentenced to be +shot. + +The colonel asked me if I had anything to say, and I asked permission +to cross-examine the witness. Permission being granted, I asked the +chaplain what his business was. He said he was a minister. I asked him +if he didn't consider trading horses one of the noblest professions +extant. He said he didn't know about that. Then I asked him if he didn't +take advantage of me when I came to the regiment, as a raw recruit, +and trade me a kicking mule, that made my life a burden. He said he +remembered that he traded me a mule. I asked him if he didn't know +the mule was balky, vicious, and spavined, that it would kick its best +friend, bite anybody, that it was so ugly that he had to put the saddle +on with a long pole, that he warranted the mule sound when he knew it +had all the diseases that were going. + +He said he objected to being asked such questions, but the +judge-advocate said I had a right to bring out any previous transactions +in the horse-trade line, as it would have some effect in this case. Then +I asked him if he didn't know the horse he beat me out of was sound, +a splendid rider, and that the mule was the worst one in the army. He +admitted that he knew the animal was not a desirable animal, but he +thought a recruit could get along with a kicking mule better than a +chaplain. I had saved my best shot for the last, and I said, “knowing +the mule was unsound, a vicious animal, and that my horse was sound and +desirable, and worth more than a dozen such mules, did you consider +that you was pursuing your calling as a minister when you gained my +confidence, and not only sawed the mule off on to me, bereaved me of a +fine horse, but took twenty dollars of my hard-earned bounty money as +boot in the trade? In doing that to an innocent and fresh recruit who +had confidence in you, did you not pave the way for me to get even with +you on a horse trade, and haven't I got even, and do you blame me for +doing it?” The chaplain was perspiring while I was asking the questions, +and all the officers were looking at him as though he had caught a +tartar, but he blushed, choked, and finally answered that perhaps he did +wrong in trading me that mule, and he asked to be forgiven. + +Then I turned to the officers and said, “Gentlemen, I admit that I +traded the spotted circus-horse to the chaplain. I did it on purpose +to show him that there is a God in Israel. When I came to the regiment, +right fresh from the people, I needed salting. The boys all salted me +whenever they got a chance, and I took it like a little man. In turning +to the chaplain for comfort, I did not expect that he would salt me +worse than all of the boys combined, but when I found that he had gone +through me, and taken advantage of my guileless innocence, and laughed +at my woe when I found the confounded mule was not all his fancy had +painted it, and that it laid awake nights to devise ways to kick my head +on, I took a blooded oath that before the cruel war was over I would +salt that chaplain on a horse trade, until he would own up the corn. I +leave it to you, gentlemen, if I have done it or not. When that spotted +horse fell to me, by the fortunes of war, I was not long in learning +that it was the relic of a circus. I rode the horse one day last week at +a funeral, and it acted in such a manner as to almost wake up the late +lamented. I was made the laughing stock of the brigade, and of the +town. It was government property, and I could not kill the horse, and I +thought the time had arrived for me to get even with my old friend. He +was mashed on my spotted horse, and bantered me for a trade. Finally we +traded, and I got ten dollars to boot. The result has been all that I +could desire. I have had the satisfaction of demonstrating to this +truly good man that all is not gold that glitters. I have shown him that +however spotted a man may be, if he rides a spotted circus horse, he +will get there. I will leave it to the chaplain, now, if I was not +justified in trading him that horse, after what he had done to me, and +will ask him if he was not served perfectly right, and if in trading me +that mule he did not do to others as he would have others do to him, and +if so, if he does not think the others did it to him in great shape. I +am done. I leave my life in your hands.” + +When I quit they were all laughing except the chaplain, and there was +a quiet smile around his mouth, as he thought of his experience on the +spotted horse. The colonel asked the chaplain, if he had anything to +say, and he said he had just been thinking that he could go over to a +New Jersey regiment and trade that spotted horse to the chaplain of that +regiment, and if he could, he would be willing to drop the case. He +said that chaplain played a mean trick on him once, and he wanted to +get even. The court martial acquitted me, and while we were all taking +a drink with the colonel, the chaplain went out, and pretty soon we saw +his servant leading the spotted horse over towards the camp of the New +Jersey regiment, and later the chaplain sauntered off in that direction +on foot, as though there was some weighty subject on his mind. The +weighty subject was the spotted circus-horse. + +I do not suppose any incident ever caused so much talk as did the +chaplain's circus. The boys were talking and laughing about it in every +company all that afternoon, and when it was found that I had not been +punished, for trading the horse to him, the boys were wild. They wanted +to show their appreciation of the fun I had given them, so a lot of them +got together to give me a sort of reception. They sent for me to come +over to Co. D., and when I got over there they grabbed me and carried me +off on their shoulders. I felt proud to see them so joyous and friendly, +until they put me in a blanket and tossed me up into the trees, and +caught me in the blanket as I came down. Of all the sensations I ever +experienced, that of being tossed up in a blanket was the worst. I tried +to laugh, at first, but it became serious, as I went into the air +twenty feet, let loose of the air and came down, expecting to be crushed +maimed, killed. My breath forsook me, I was dizzy, but I struck the +blanket easy, and after being sent up a dozen times they let me go, and +my reception was over. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + Mingled Reminiscences-I Relate a Mississippi River Steamboat + Experience. + +Long before this I should have related a little experience I had on +my first journey south, when I was a fresh recruit. After leaving +Wisconsin, in the winter, a lot of us recruits were corralled at +Benton Barracks, St. Louis, and for six weeks we had a picnic. There +were about fifty of us, that belonged to the cavalry, our regiments +being down the Mississippi river, and the commanding officer of the +barracks seemed to be waiting for a chance to send us to our regiments. +I have often wondered what he waited six weeks for, when we were not +doing any duty in camp, and were making him trouble enough every day +and every night to turn his hair gray. He was a Colonel Bonneville, if I +remember right, a regular army officer of French extraction. Anyway, he +always swore at us in French. The camp was run in a slack sort of a way, +and it was easy for us to get out and go down town, or wander off into +the country, and, as we had plenty of money, and were dressed better +than soldiers in active service, we were welcome to all the saloons, +and painted old St. Louis all the colors of the rainbow, returned to the +barracks at unseasonable hours, crawled through the fence and went to +our quarters howling, waking up the old general, who invariably ordered +the provost-guard to arrest us, which the provost-guard invariably +didn't do, for some reason or other. The old colonel was fast aging, +in trying to lead a quiet life in the vicinity of “dose d-----d cavalry +regruits,” and he said he “would order them all shot if they didn't +behave.” Benton Barracks was the greatest place for the breeding of rats +that I ever saw. In every house there were millions of them, and at +night they were out in full force. One night our crowd of recruits, +about forty in number, had been down to St. Louis on a painting +expedition, and it was midnight when camp was reached. Every recruit had +a revolver, and it was decided that if the rats insulted us, as they +had often done before, we would shoot them. It was a beautiful moonlight +night, as still as death, and we could almost hear the snoring of the +excitable colonel in his house across the parade ground. As we came +near our barrack, a few thousand rats crossed our path, and I drew my +revolver and fired at a large one that seemed unusually impudent, and +the rest of the crowd opened fire, and there was a battle in no time. A +bugler got out and blowed some call that I did not know, a drum sounded +a continuous roll, men rushed out and formed in line, and before we +had fired the six charges from our revolvers, the Invalid Corps came +hobbling across the parade ground, the colonel behind them with his +shirt on, his pants in his hand, and swearing in French, and ordering +the troops to arrest the whole crowd of recruits. We went right in the +barrack, and retired, as soon as the troops showed up, and were snoring, +with smoking revolvers under our pillows, when the guard entered. + +The colonel came in with the guard, and then put on his pants, after +which he woke up some of us, and asked what was the cause of the firing. +Every recruit swore that he had not fired a shot, but that he had heard +some firing over the fence, on the outside, at a road-house and saloon, +where bad men from St. Louis congregated and drank to excess. It seemed +very hard to thus lie to so estimable a gentleman as the colonel, but +as he was only half-dressed, and sleepy, and excited, it didn't seem as +though the lies ought to count. But they did. The colonel apologized for +waking us up, when we were enjoying our much-needed rest, and he went +away with the guard. Then we all got up and danced a can-can, in our +army underclothes, passed a series of resolutions endorsing the colonel +as one of the ablest officers in the army, recommended that he be +promoted to brigadier-general at the first opportunity, gave three +cheers and a tiger for the Union, and went to bed. That is one thing +that we recruits always come out strong in, i. e., three cheers for the +Union. We had enlisted to save the Union, and as there was no fighting +that we could do, during our stay at St. Louis, whenever we got a chance +we gave three cheers for the Union. Sometimes it was not appreciated, +however. I remember one evening our crowd went into a saloon and ordered +beer all around, and after we had drank it, I proposed three cheers for +the Union, which we gave in a hearty manner, and went out without paying +for the beer. You would hardly credit it, but the saloonkeeper, an +Irishman named Oppenheimer, became offended, and wanted us to pay cash +for the beer. The boys wanted me to reason with him, and I began by +asking him if he was a loyal man, and he said he was. Then I asked him +if he didn't believe in supporting the Union. He said he did, but he +couldn't pay the brewer for his beer by giving three cheers for the +Union. He had to put up cash. I confess that his remarks made quite an +impression on me, as I had not thought of it in that light before. I +proposed that we give three cheers for Oppenheimer, which was done, and +I thought that would settle it, but he insisted on having cash. I told +the boys, and they said he was a rebel. I told Oppenheimer, and he got +out a wooden bung-starter, and said he could clean out the whole party. +Finally we compromised, in this way. We had given two rounds of cheer, +one for the Union and one for Oppenheimer, which were a total loss, so +it was agreed that if Oppenheimer would give three cheers for the Union +and three for us we would pay him for the beer, if he would agree to set +'em up for us, at his own expense. He agreed, and then we tried to +get him to onset the beer he was going to give us, for the beer we had +drank, and not pay him for that we had consumed. That, to any business +man, we thought, would seem fair, but he wouldn't have it. So, after +he had returned our cheers to us, we paid him, and then he treated. +I mention this to show the hardships of a soldier's life, and the +difficulties of inculcating business methods into the minds of the +saloon-keepers. Oppenheimer meant well, but he did not appreciate cheers +for the Union. He got so, after that when we came in his saloon, in a +gang, he would say, “Poys, of you dondt gif any jeers fun dot Union, I +set'em oop,” and we would swallow our cheers for the Union, and his beer. + +The next day after the battle of the rats, an order was issued for the +recruits to board the steamer “City of Memphis,” and go down the river +to join our several regiments, in the vicinity of New Orleans. In a +few hours we had drawn rations to last a week, and were on board the +steamer, and had started down stream. I think every soldier that is now +alive will remember that when he took his first trip on a transport, as +a recruit, during the war, he labored under the impression that he owned +the boat, or at least a controlling interest in it. That was a very +natural feeling. The opinions of the steamboat officials, it will +be remembered, were different. I had never been on a large steamboat +before, and after tying my knapsack and other baggage to a wood-pile +on the lower deck, after I had vainly attempted to induce the proper +official to give me checks for my baggage, I began to climb up stairs, +and soon found myself on top of the Texas, beside the smoke stack, +viewing the ever changing scenery of the grand old Mississippi. I was +drinking in the scenery, and the fresh air, and wondering if it could +be possible that there could be war, and killing, anywhere in this broad +land, when all was so peace-ful and beautiful on the river, when I felt +something strike me on the pantaloons most powerfully, and I looked +around and a gentleman was just removing a large sized boot from my +person. I was about to reprove him for kicking me, a total stranger, who +had not even presented letters of introduction to me, when he said, in a +voice that was deep down in his chest, “get down below.” I did not feel +like arguing with a man of so violent a nature, and I went down the +narrow stairs, after he had said he would throw me overboard if I did +not hurry. I learned afterwards that he was the mate of the steamboat. +I could see that he had mistaken me for a common soldier, which I would +not admit was the case, but I went down stairs, probably looking hurt. +I was hurt. I went into the cabin and sat down on one of the sofas, to +think, when a colored person told me to get off the sofa. As he seemed +to know what he was talking about I got on. I saw a bar, where officers +of the army and passengers were drinking, and I went up and asked for a +whisky sour, thinking that would relieve the pain and cause my injured +feelings to improve. The bar tender told me to go out on deck and I +could get plain whisky through a window where the negro deck hands got +their drinks, but I could not drink with gentlemen. That was the first +day that I realized that in becoming a soldier I had descended to a +level with negro deck hands and roustabouts, and could not be allowed +to associate with gentlemen. Soon the gong rung for supper, and I went +into the cabin and sat down to the table for a square meal, the other +seats being filled with army officers and passengers. I was going to +give my order to a waiter, when he called an officer of the boat, who +told me to get up from the table and go below, as the cabin was intended +for gentlemen and not soldiers. My idea was to kick against being turned +out, but I thought of the mate's boot, and I went out, went down on the +lower deck with the recruits, and eat some bread and meat. I was rapidly +becoming crushed. I talked my experience over with the boys, and they +all agreed with me that the way we were treated was an outrage on +American soldiers, which we would not stand. We began to wonder where +we were going to sleep, when I remembered seeing state-rooms on the deck +above, with berths, and it seemed to me they must be intended for us, +so we agreed to go up and go into the state-rooms from the doors that +opened out on deck, believing that those who got in first would be +allowed to occupy them. About fifty of us got into state-rooms, while +the officers and passengers were playing poker in the cabin. I was +asleep, when I heard a noise out on deck, and raising up in my berth +I looked over the transom and saw about twenty of the recruits being +driven along by officers of the boat, kicks and cuffs, and loud talking +being the order. “I'll teach you brutes to steal the beds of passengers +on this boat. You dirty whelps, to presume to sleep in beds. Get +down stairs and sleep on the wood-pile with the niggers,” shouted the +captain. + +If there was going to be any fuss about it, I didn't want to stay in the +state-room. I didn't want to be broke of my rest, of course, but if it +was not customary for common soldiers to indulge in such luxuries, I +would go out. Just then there was a knock at the door leading into the +cabin, and I heard a female voice say, “Powtaw, I am afraid one of those +dirty soljaws has got into my state-room,” and then I heard the +mate's voice say, “Wait till I get at him.” Of course, under those +circumstances I could not remain. No gentleman would occupy a lady's +birth, and cause her to sit up all night. To be sure there were two +berths, and I could remain in the upper one, and she could turn in +below, and I would turn my face to the wall and not look, but I doubted +if a lady, who was a perfect stranger, and whose opinion of soldiers +was so pronounced, could compromise on such a basis, so when the mate +knocked at the door I took my pants and shoes and went out the door +leading on deck, and went below, without being discovered. I found my +companions, who had been routed out of their beds, dressing themselves +as best they could by the light from the furnace, when the stokers would +put in wood, and they were about as mad as I was. The treatment we had +received was not what we had a right to expect when we enlisted. We +decided to set up all night, and growl and discuss the situation. +Several of the recruits made remarks that were very scathing, and +the officials of the boat were held up to scorn, and charged with +inhumanity. We sat there till daylight, and then organized an +indignation meeting, and appointed a committee to draft resolutions +indicative of the sense of the meeting. I had been lightning on +resolutions before I enlisted, having attended several county +conventions, and I was appointed to draft the resolutions. As near as I +can remember the following were the words: + + “_Whereas_, The undersigned, members of the army of the + union, in the course of our duty as soldiers, have been + ordered to proceed to our several regiments down the + Mississippi river, on board of the 'City of Memphis,' and, + + “_Whereas_, We have been treated by the officers of the + aforesaid boat more like animals than human beings, in being + deprived of luxuries to which we have been accustomed, have + been driven from the public dining-table, driven from our + beds at the dead hour of night, that shoulder-strapped + officers might be made comfortable, and kicked down stairs, + therefore, be it + + “_Resolved_, That we demand of the captain of the steamer + 'City of Memphis,' that we be allowed the same privileges on + this boat that others enjoy. 'We hold these truths to be + self-evident,' that one man is just as good as another, no + matter what his rank. We demand that we be allowed to eat at + the table in the cabin, to sleep in the state-rooms, to + drink at the bar if we so elect, and to go to any place on + the boat that other passengers are allowed, and that we be + treated like white men, which we, have not up to the adoption + of these resolutions. + + “_Resolved_, That a copy of these resolutions be presented + to the captain of the boat, that a copy be sent to the + secretary of war, and that the resolutions be published in + the newspapers.” + +When I read the resolutions to the boys they were passed unanimously, +after a few amendments had been voted down. One of the boys wanted a +resolution passed demanding that the mate be discharged, and one moved +the captain be requested to apologize. I argued that if the captain +received the resolutions in the proper spirit, and acceded to our +demand, that would be an apology in itself, and in that case the mate +would probably resign. I was appointed one of a committee of three to +wait on the captain, and read the resolutions to him, after the boys had +all signed them. I had rather some one else had been appointed, as I had +been kicked once already, but the boys said it needed somebody that +was equal to making a little speech, as it would be necessary to say +something before reading the resolutions. They also said, it needed a +man with plenty of gall, one that was not afraid to stand up be-fore the +world and ask for our rights. I felt flattered at being selected, but I +took the precaution to place a gunny-sack, nicely folded up, in the seat +of my pants, because I didn't know what might happen. After breakfast, I +took the committee and the resolutions, and went up into the cabin, +and told a colored man that he might tell the captain that a committee +wished an audience with him. He was playing poker in the ladies' cabin, +and I have always thought he had an idea there was a committee of +passengers who wanted to present him with a gold headed cane, a thing +that was often done on the boats. Any way he came along smiling, and +when the nigger pointed me out, and the captain noticed that I had a +large paper in my hand, he said, “What is it, gentlemen?” This was the +first time I had been alluded to in that manner since I enlisted. I +asked him to be seated, and he sat down on a lounge, and I proceeded. I +forgot to make any speech, but went right at the _whereases_ at once. +I say the captain smiled when he came up. Of course, reading the +resolutions, as I was, I could not see his face change, but afterwards +one of the committee told me about it. I could not tell that a storm was +coming. I noticed that quite a number of people had collected around +the captain, from curiosity, I supposed. I had just got to the last +resolution where it spoke of sending a copy to the secretary of war, +when there was a howl. The captain got up and grabbed me by the throat, +while somebody else took me by the hind legs. As we went towards the +door, I noticed other men were carrying the rest of the committee. My +idea was that they would throw us overboard, and as I could not swim, I +closed my eyes and said, “Now I lay me.” The stairs leading to the lower +deck were covered with brass. I remember that distinctly, because I rode +down the stairs on the small of my back, and we had a committee meeting +at the foot of the stairs. I brought up on top of the rest of the +committee. We sat there a moment, and decided, unanimously, that we had +been unceremoniously chucked down stairs, resolutions and all, and we +picked ourselves up and limped back to where our companions were, and +so reported. The expedition was a total failure, for in a short time a +notice was tacked on the foot of the stairs, stating that all enlisted +men were forbidden from occupying any portion of the boat except the +lower deck, and if one was found above that deck, he would be turned +over to the first army post, a prisoner. So we remained on the lower +deck, and took it out abusing the officers, and hoping the boat would +blow up. But the scenery was just as nice from the lower deck. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + Our Party of Recruits own the Earth--We Live High, Give a + Ball, and go to the Guard-House--And are Arrested by Colored + Troops. + +Let's see, I forget whether I have ever told about getting strung up on +a bayonet, near New Orleans, when I first went south as a recruit. It +was before I had joined my regiment, and I was with a gang of recruits, +all looking for the regiments we had enlisted in. We had come down from +St. Louis on a steamboat, our regiments being scattered all over the +Department of the Gulf. We were not in any particular hurry to find our +regiments, as the longer we kept away from them the less duty we would +have to do. I do not think, out of the whole forty recruits, there was +one who was in the least hurry to find his regiment, and none of them +would have known their regiments if they had seen them, unless somebody +told them. They had enlisted just as it happened, all of them hoping the +war would be over before they found where they belonged. They didn't know +anybody in their respective regiments, hence there were no ties binding +them. But they had been together for several months, as recruits, until +all had got well acquainted, and if they could have been formed into +a company, for service together, they might have done pretty good +fighting. The crowd was becoming smaller, as every day or two some +recruit would come and bid us all good bye. He had actually stumbled on +to his regiment, and when the officers of an old regiment, in examining +recruits, found one assigned to his regiment, he never took his eyes +off the recruit until he was landed. I have seen some very affecting +partings, when one of our gang would find where he belonged and had to +leave us, perhaps never to meet again. The gang was rapidly dropping +apart, and when we got to New Orleans there were only twenty or so +left. We reported to the commanding officer, and he quartered us at +Carrollton, near the city, in what had once been a beer-garden and +dance-house. We slept on the floor of the dance-house, cooked our meals +out in the garden, spread our food on the old beer tables, and imagined +we were proprietors of the place, or guests of the government. We always +ordered beer or expensive wines with our meals. Not that we ever got +any beer or wine, because the beer garden was deserted, but we put on a +great deal of style. + +We found a lot of champagne bottles out in the back yard, and I do not +think I ever took a meal there without having a champagne bottle sitting +beside me on the table, and when any citizens were passing along the +street we would take up the bottles, look at the label in a scrutinizing +way, as though not exactly certain in our minds whether we were getting +as good wine as we were paying for. The old empty bottles gave us a +standing in Carrollton society that nothing else could have given us. +Some of the boys got so they could imitate the popping of a champagne +cork to perfection, by placing one finger in the mouth, prying the cheek +around on one side, and letting it fly open suddenly. We would have +several of the boys with aprons on, and when anybody was passing on the +street, one of us would call, “Waiter open a bottle of that extra dry.” + The waiter would say, “Certainly, sah,” take a bottle between his knees, +run his finger in his mouth and make it pop, and then pretend to pour +out the champagne in glasses, imitating the “fizzing” perfectly. It was +the extra dryest champagne that I ever had. But all that foolishness had +the desired effect. It convinced the citizens of Carrollton that we were +no ordinary soldiers. We were all nicely dressed, had no guards, and +apparently no officers, had plenty of money, which we spent freely at +the stores, and the impression soon got out that we were on some special +service, and there was, of course, much curiosity to know our business. +I learned that we were looked upon as secret service men, and I told the +boys about it, and advised them not to tell that we were recruits, but +to put on an air of mystery, and we would have fun while we remained. +One day an oldish gentleman who lived near, and who had a fine orange +plantation, or grove, toward which we had cast longing eyes, called at +the dance-house where we were quartered. We had just finished our frugal +meal, and the empty bottles were being taken away. He addressed me, and +said, “Good day, Colonel.” I responded as best I could, and invited him +to be seated. I apologized for not offering him a glass of champagne, +but told him we had cracked the last bottle, and would not have any more +until the next day, as I had only that morning requested my friend, the +general commanding at New Orleans, to send me a fresh supply, which he +would do at once, I had no doubt. Well, you ought to have seen the boys +try to keep from laughing, stuffing handkerchiefs in their mouths, etc. +But not a man laughed. The old citizen said it was no matter, as he +would drop in the next day, and drink with us. We talked about the war, +and it is my impression he was anxious for us to believe he was a loyal +man. But after a while he asked me what particular duty I was on, there +at Carrollton. I hesitated a moment, and finally told him that I hoped +he would excuse me for not telling him, but the fact was it would be as +much as my “commission” would be worth to unfold any of my plans. I +told him that time alone would reveal the object of our being there, and +until such time as my government thought it best to make it public, it +was my duty as an officer, to keep silent. He said certainly, that was +all right, and he admired me for keeping my own counsel. (I was probably +the highest private and rawest recruit in the army.) He said there was a +natural curiosity on the part of the people of Carrollton to know who +we were, as we lived so high, and seemed such thorough gentlemen. I +admitted that we were thorough gentlemen, and thanked him for the high +opinion that the cultured people of Carrollton had of us. He wound up +by pointing to his orange grove, and said he-would consider it a special +favor if we would consider ourselves perfectly free to go there and help +ourselves at any time, and particularly that evening, as a number of +young people would be at his house for a quiet dance. I told him that +a few of us would certainly be present, and thanked him kindly. When he +was gone I told the boys, and they wanted to give three cheers, but I +got them to keep still, and we talked all the afternoon of the soft snap +we had struck, and cleaned up for the party. My intention was to pick +out half a dozen of the best dressed, recruits, those that could make a +pretty fair showing in society to go with me, but they all wanted to +go, and there was no way to prevent it, so all but one Irishman, that we +hired to stay and watch our camp, went. Well, we ate oranges fresh from +the trees, joined in the dance, ate refreshments, and drank the old +gentleman's wine, and had a good time, made a good impression on the +ladies, and went back to camp at midnight. On the way over to the party +I told the boys the gentleman was coming to see us the next day, and we +should have to get a bottle of champagne some-where, to treat him, as I +had told him we expected, some more up from the city. When we came back +from the party a German recruit pulled a bottle of champagne out of his +pocket, which he had stolen from the man's house in order to treat him +with the next day. The gentleman came over to our quarters the next day, +and we opened our bottle, and he drank to our very good health, though I +thought he looked at the label on the bottle pretty close. For a week +we frequented the gentleman's orange grove every day, and ate oranges to +our heart's content. + +Several times during the week we were invited to different houses, where +we boys became quite interested in the fair girls of Louisiana. It was +ten days from the time we settled in the beer garden, and we had kept +our secret well. Nobody in Carrollton knew that we were raw recruits +that had never seen a day of service, but the impression was still +stronger than ever that we were pets of the government. We had an old +map of the United States that we had borrowed at a saloon, and during +the day we would hang the map up and surround it, while I pointed out +imaginary places to attack. This we would do while people were passing. +Everything was working splendidly, and we decided to give a party. +We hired a band to play in the dance house, ordered refreshments, and +invited about forty ladies and gentlemen to attend. The day we were to +give the party we sent a recruit down town to draw rations, and he told +everybody what a high old time we recruits were having at Carrollton. +The commanding officer heard of it, and, probably having forgotten +that we were up there waiting to be sent to our regiments he sent a +peremptory order for us to report at New Orleans before noon of that +day. How could we report at noon, when we were going to give a party at +night? It was simply impossible, and I, as a sort of breast corporal in +charge, sent a man down town to tell the commanding officer that we had +an engagement that night, and couldn't come before the next day. I did +not know that it was improper to send regrets to a commanding officer +when ordered to do anything. The man I sent down to New Orleans came +back and I asked him what the general said. The man said he read the +note and said, “The hell they can't come till tomorrow. The impudence of +the recruits. They will come tonight!” I did not believe we would. In +my freshness I did not believe that any commander of troops would +deliberately break up a ball, and humiliate brave soldiers. I thought +my explanation to the commander that we had an engagement, would be +sufficient, that he would see that it was impossible to hurry matters. +We had been to a good deal of expense, and it was our duty, after +accepting the hospitalities of those people, to pay our indebtedness in +the only way we knew how, and so, as the boys had gathered around me +to see what was to be done, I said, “On with the dance. Let joy be +unconfined.” + +Our guests arrived on time, and shortly after it became dark, the Dutch +band we had hired from, a beer hall down town, struck up some sort of +foreign music, and “there was a sound of revelry by night.” We danced +half a dozen times, smiled sweetly on our guests, walked around the +paths of the old garden, flirted a little perhaps, and talked big +with the male guests, and convinced them anew that we were regular old +battle-scarred vets, on detached duty of great importance. Near midnight +we all set down to lunch, around the beer tables, and everything was +going along smooth. The old gentleman who had been first to make our +acquaintance, and who had been the means of getting us into society, +proposed as a toast, “Our brave and generous hosts,” and the boys called +upon me to respond. I got up on a bench and was making a speech that, if +I had been allowed to continue, would have been handed down in +history as one of the ablest of our time. It was conciliatory in tone, +calculated to cement a friendship between the army and the citizens of +the south, and show that while we were engaged in war, there was nothing +mean about us, and that we loved our neighbors as ourselves. I was just +getting warmed up, and our guests had spatted their hands at some of my +remarks, when I heard a tramp, tramp, tramp on the sidewalk outside, and +before I could breathe a squad of infantry soldiers had filed into the +garden, surrounded the dance-house, a dozen had formed in line before +the door, and a sergeant had walked in and ordered the citizens to +disperse, and said the recruits were under arrest. Well, I have been +in some tight places in my life, but that was the closest place I ever +struck. The old gentleman, the leader of our guests, turned to me and +asked what this all meant, and I told him to be calm, and I would fix +everything. I got down off the bench and approached the sergeant, +to argue the thing. I found that he was, a colored man, and that his +soldiers were also colored troops. This was the unkindest cut of all. +I could stand it to be arrested by white soldiers, but the sending of a +lot of “niggers” after us white fellows was more than human nature could +bear. We had most of us been Democrats before enlisting, and had never +looked upon the colored man with that respect that we learned to +do, later. I went up to the sergeant, as brave as I could, and said, +“Look-a-here, boss, you have made a dreadful mistake. We are gentlemen, +enjoying ourselves, and this interruption on your part will cost you +dear. Now go away with your men, quietly, and I promise you, on +the honor of a gentleman, that I will not report you, and have you +punished,” and I looked at him in a tone of voice that I thought +would convince him that I was a friend if he should go away, but if he +remained it would be at his peril. + +He said he didn't want any foolishness, or some of us would get hurt, +and just then one of the Irish recruits, who had tried to skin out the +back way, got jabbed in the pants by a bayonet, and he began to howl +and cuss the “niggers.” The sergeant called up half a dozen of his sable +guard, and they surrounded me and some of the boys. Our guests were +becoming frightened, ladies had put on-their wraps, and there was a good +deal of confusion, when I shouted, “Boys, are we going to submit to +this insult on the part of a lot of nigger field hands? Never! To the +rescue!” Well, they didn't “to the rescue” worth a cent. A colored man +with a bayonet had every recruit's breast at the point of his weapon, +three soldiers surrounded me, and one run his bayonet through the breast +of my coat and out under my arm, and held me on my tip-toes, and I +was powerless, except with my mouth. The old gentleman, our most +distinguished guest, came up to me, and I said to him, in confidence, +so our guests could hear, however, with a smile, “This may seem to you a +singular proceeding. I cannot explain it to you now, as I am pledged to +secrecy by my government, but I will say that the duty we are on here is +part of a well-laid plan of our commander, and this seeming arrest is +a part of the plan. This colored sergeant is innocent. He is simply +obeying orders, and is a humble instrument in carrying out our plan. I +expected to be arrested before morning, but hoped it would be after our +party. However, we soldiers have to go where ordered. We shall be thrown +into prison for a time, but when this detective or secret service work +on which we are engaged is done, we will take pleasure in calling upon +you again, wearing such laurels as we may win. We bid you good-night, +and wish you much happiness.” They all shook hands with us, evidently +believing what I had said, and even the sergeant seemed to take it in, +for, after the crowd had gone, the sergeant said, “You will excuse me, +kernel, for what I have done. I didn't know about any 'plan.' All I knew +was dat the provost-marshal told me to go up to Carrollton and pull +dem recruits dat was camping at de beer garden, and fotch 'em to de +guard-house.” I told him he did perfectly right, and then we recruits +packed up our things and marched with the colored soldiers to New +Orleans, about six miles, and we slept in the guard-house. The next +morning the provost-marshal called upon us, damned us a little for not +insisting on being sent to our regiments, found out that my regiment was +up the river two hundred miles, and seemed mad because I passed it +when I come from St. Louis. I told him I was not expected to go hunting +around for my regiment, like a lost calf. What I wanted was for my +regiment to hunt me up. That afternoon he put me on an up-river boat +with a tag on my baggage telling where I belonged, and I bid good-bye +to the recruits, after having had three months of fun at the expense of +Uncle Sam. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + I Strike Another Soft-Snap, Which is Harder Than Any Snap + Heretofore--I Begin Taking Music Lessons, and Fill Up a + Confederate Prisoner With Yankee Food. + +The last two chapters of this stuff has related to early experiences, +but now that it is probable the chaplain has got over being mad at my +trading him the circus-horse, I will resume the march with the regiment. +For a month or more I had been waiting for my commission to arrive, so +that I could serve as an officer, but it did not arrive while we were at +Montgomery, and we started away from that city towards Vicksburg, Miss., +with a fair prospect of having hot work with strolling bands of the +enemy. I was much depressed. It had got so they didn't seem to want me +anywhere. It seemed that I was a sort of a Jonah, and wherever I was, +something went wrong. The chaplain wouldn't have me, because he had a +suspicion that I was giddy, and full of the devil, and I have thought he +had an idea I would sacrifice the whole army to perpetrate a practical +joke, and he also maintained that I would lie, if a lie would help me +out of a scrape. I never knew how such an impression could have been +created. The colonel said he would try and get along without me, the +adjutant didn't want any more of my mathematics in his reports and the +brigade commander said he would carry the brigade colors himself rather +than have me around, as I would bring headquarters into disgrace some +way. So I had to serve as a private in my own company, which was very +hard on a man who had tasted the sweets of official position. O, if my +commission did not come soon I was lost. After we had marched a couple +of days it began to look as though we were liable to have a fight on our +hands. Every little while there would be firing in advance, or on the +flanks, and things looked blue for one who did not want to have any +trouble with anybody. One morning when we were cooking our breakfast +beside a pitch pine log, a little Irishman, who was a friend of mine, +as I always lent him my tobacco, said: “There will be a fight today, and +some wan of the byes will sleep cold tonight.” + +A cold chill came over me, and I wondered which of of the “by's” would +draw the ticket of death. The Irishman noticed that I was not feeling +perfectly easy, and he said, “Sorrel top, wud yez take a bit of advice +from the loikes of me?” I did not like to be called sorrel top, but if +there was any danger I would take advice from anybody, so I told him to +fire away. He told me that when we fell in, for the march of the day, +to arrange to be No. 4, as in case we were dismounted, to fight on foot, +number four would remain on his horse, and hold three other horses, and +keep in the rear, behind the trees, while the dismounted men went into +the fight. Great heavens, and that had never occurred to me before. Of +course number four would hold the horses, in case of a dismounted fight, +and I had never thought what a soft thing it was. It can be surmised by +the reader of profane history, that when our company formed that morning +I was number four. We marched a long for a couple of hours, when there +was some firing on the flanks, and a couple of companies were wheeled +into line and marched off into the woods for half a mile, and the order +was given to “prepare to fight on foot.” It was a momentous occasion for +me, and when the three men of our four dismounted and handed the bridle +reins to me, I was about the happiest man in the army. I did not want +the boys to think I was anxious to keep away from the front, so I said, +“Say, cap, don't I go too?” He said I could if I wanted to, as one of +the other boys would hold the horses if I was spoiling to be a corpse, +but I told him I guessed, seeing that I was already on the horse, I +would stay, and the boys went off laughing, leaving about twenty-five of +us “number fours” holding horses. Now, you may talk all you please about +safe places in a fight, but sitting on a horse in plain sight, holding +three other prancing, kicking, squalling horses, while the rest of the +boys are behind trees, or behind logs, popping at the enemy, is no soft +thing. The bullets seemed to pass right over our fellows on foot, and +came right among the horses, who twisted around and got tangled up, and +made things unpleasant. I was trying to get a stallion I was holding to +quit biting my legs, when I saw my little Irishman, who had steered me +on to the soft snap, dodge down behind his horse's head, to escape a +bullet that killed one of the horses he was holding, and I said, “This +is a fine arrangement you have got me into. This is worse than being in +front.” He said he believed it was, as he backed his other horses away +from the dying horse, but he said as long as they killed horses we +had no cause to complain. There was a sergeant in charge of us “number +fours,” and he was as cool as any fellow I ever saw. The sergeant was a +nice man, but he was no musician. He was an Irishman, also, and when any +bugle-call and when any bugle-call sounded he had to ask some one what +it was. There was a great deal of uncertainty about bugle-calls, I +noticed, among officers as well as men. + +Of course it could not be expected that every man in a cavalry regiment +would be a music teacher, and the calls sounded so much alike to the +uncultivated ear, that it was no wonder that everybody got the calls +mixed. In camp we got so we could tell “assembly,” and “surgeon's call,” + and “tattoo,” and quite a number of others, but the calls of battle +were Greek to us. The bugle sounded down in the woods, and the sergeant +turned to me and asked, “Fhat the divil is that I dunno?” I was +satisfied it was “To horse,” but when I saw our fellows come rushing +back towards the horses it looked as though the order was to fall +back, and I suggested as much to the sergeant. He thought it looked +reasonable, too, and he ordered us to fall back slowly toward the +regiment. We didn't go so confounded slow, and of course I was ahead +with my three horses. The sergeant heard the captain yell to him to hold +on, and he got the most of the “fours” to stop, and let the boys get on, +but the little Irishman and myself couldn't hold our extra horses, and +they dragged us along over logs and through brush, the regiment drew +sabers to “shoo” the horses back, waived their hats, my horse run his +fore feet into a hole, fell down, and let me off over his head, the +other horses seemed to walk on me, I became insensible, and the next +thing I knew I was in an ambulance, behind the regiment, which was on +the march, as though nothing had happened. I felt of myself to see if +anything was broke, and finding I was all right I told the driver of the +ambulance I guessed I would get out and mount my horse, but he said he +guessed I wouldn t, because the colonel had told him if I died to bury +me beside the road, but if I lived to bring me to headquarters for +punishment. The driver said the boys whose horses I had stampeded, +wanted to kill me, but the colonel had said death was too good for me. +Well, nobody was hurt in the skirmish, and about noon we arrived at +a camping place for the night, and the ambulance drove up, and I was +placed under guard. + +It seems the sergeant had laid the whole thing to me. He had admitted +to the colonel that he didn't know one bugle call from another, and he +supposed I did, and when he asked me what it was, and I said it was to +retreat, he supposed I knew, and retreated. The colonel asked me what I +had to say, and I told him I didn't know any bugle call except get your +quinine, get your quinine. That when I enlisted there was nothing said +about my ability to read notes in music, and I had never learned, and +couldn't learn, as I had no more ear for music than a mule. I told +him if he would furnish a music teacher, I would study hard to try and +master the difference between “forward and back,” but that it didn't +seem to me as though I ought to be held responsible for an expression of +opinion, however erroneous, when asked for it by a superior officer. + +I told him that when the bugle sounded, and I saw the boys coming back +on a hop, skip and jump, it seemed to me the most natural thing in +the world that the bugle had sounded a retreat. That seemed the only +direction we could go, and as my natural inclination was to save those +horses that had been placed in my charge, of course I interpreted the +bugle call to mean for us to get out of there honorably, and as the only +way to get out honorably was to get out quick, we got up and dusted. The +colonel always gave me credit for being a good debater, and he smiled +and said that as no damage had been done, he would not insist that I be +shot on the spot, but he felt that an example should be made of me. He +said I would be under arrest until bed time, down under a tree, half a +mile or so from headquarters, in plain sight, and he would send music +teachers there to teach me the bugle calls. I thanked him, in a few +well chosen remarks, and the guard marched me to the tree, which was the +guard-house. I found another soldier there, under arrest, who had rode +out of the ranks to water his horse, while on the march, against +orders, and a Confederate prisoner that had been captured in the morning +skirmish, a captain of a Virginia regiment. The captain seemed real hurt +at having been captured, and was inclined to be uppish and distant. I +tried two or three times to get him into conversation on some subject +connected with the war, but he wouldn't have it. He evidently looked +upon me as a horse-thief, a deserter, and a bad man, or else a soldier +who had been sent to pump information out of him. I never was let alone +quite as severely as I was by our prisoner, at first. But I went to work +and built a fire, and soon had some coffee boiling, bacon frying, and +sweet potatoes roasting, and when I spread the lay out on the ground, +and said, “Colonel, this is on me. Won't you join me?” I think he was +the most surprised man I ever saw, He had watched every move I made, in +cooking, with a yearning such as is seldom seen, and he probably had +no more idea that he was going to have a mouthful of it, than that he +should fly. His eyes might have been weak, but if he had been a man I +knew well, I should have said there were a couple of tears gathering +in his eyes, and I was quite sure of it when the flood broke over the +eye-lid dam, and rolled down among the underbrush whiskers. He stopped +the flood at once, by an effort of will, though there seemed a something +in his throat when he said, “You don't mean it, do you, kernel?” I told +him of course I meant it, and to slide right up and help himself, and I +speared a great big sweet potato, and some bacon, and placed them on +a big leaf, and poured coffee out in the only cup I had. He kicked on +using the cup, but I said we would both drink out of it. He said, “you +are very kind, sir,” and that was all he said during the meal. But how he +_did_ eat. He tried to act as though he didn't care much for dinner, and +as though he was eating out of courtesy to me, but I could tell by the +way the sweet potato went down in the depths of my Confederate friend, +and by the joyous look when a swallow of coffee hit the right place, +that he was having a picnic. + +When we were through with dinner and the guard and the other prisoner +were cooking theirs, he said, “My friend, I do not mind telling you +now that I was much in need of food. I had not eaten since yesterday +morning, as we have been riding hard to intercept you gentlemen, sir. +I trust I shall live long enough to repay, you sir.” I told him not to +mention it, as all our boys made it a point to divide when we captured a +prisoner. He said he believed his people felt the same way, but God knew +they had little to divide. He said he trembled when he thought that some +of our men who were prisoners in the south were faring very poorly, but +it could not be helped. “Suppose I had captured you,” he said, with a +smile that was forced, “I could not have given you a mouthful of bread, +until we had found a southern family that 'had bread to spare.'” I told +him it was pretty tough, but it would all be over before long, and then +we would all have plenty to eat. I got out a pack of cards, and the +confederate captain played seven-up with me, while we smoked. Presently +nine buglers came down to where we were, formed in line, and began to +sound cavalry calls in concert. I knew that they were the music teachers +the colonel had sent to teach me the calls. The confederate looked on +in astonishment, while they sounded a call, and when it was done I asked +the chief bugler what it was, and he told me, and I asked him to sound +something else, which he did. My idea was to convince the prisoner that +this was a part of daily routine. He got nervous and couldn't remember +which was trumps; and finally said we might talk all we pleased about +the horrors of Andersonville, but to be blowed to death with cavalry +bugles was a fate that only the most hardened criminals should suffer. +The confederate evidently had no ear for music more than I had, and +he soon got enough. However the buglers kept up their noise till about +supper time, when they were called on. I got another meal for the +confederate, and he seemed to be actually getting fat. The colonel of my +regiment came down to where we were, and said, “You fellows seem to be +doing pretty well,” and then he had a long talk with the rebel prisoner, +invited him up to his tent to pass the night, apologized for the concert +he had been giving us, explained what it was for, told me I could go to +my company if I thought I could remember a bugle call in the future; the +captain shook hands with me and thanked me cordially, and we separated. +He was exchanged, the next day, and I never saw him for twenty-two +years, when I found him at the head of a manufacturing enterprise in his +loved Virginia, and he furnished me a more expensive meal than I did him +years before, but it didn't taste half as good as the bacon dinner in +Alabama under the guard-house tree. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + A Short Story About a Pair of Boots, Showing the Monumental + Gall of their Owner. + +When I enlisted in the cavalry I bought a pair of top boots, of the +Wellington pattern, stitched with silk up and down the legs, which were +of shiny morocco. They came clear above my knees, and from the pictures +I had seen of cavalry soldiers, it struck me those boots would be +a pass-port to any society in the army. The first few months of my +service, it seemed to me, the boots gave me more tone than any one +thing. I learned afterwards that all new recruits came to the regiment +with such boots, and that they were the laughing stock of all the old +veterans. I did not know that I was being guyed by the boys, and I +loved those boots above all things I had. To be sure, when we struck an +unusually muddy country, some idiot of an officer seemed to be inspired +to order us to dismount. The boys who had common army boots would +dismount anywhere, in mud or water, but it seemed to me cruel for +officers to order a dismount, when they knew I would have to step in the +mud half way up to my knees, with those morocco boots on. Several times +when ordered to dismount in the mud, I have ridden out of the road, +where it was not muddy, to dismount, but the boys would laugh so loud, +and the officers would swear so wickedly, that I got so I would dismount +wherever they told me, suppress my emotions, as I felt my beautiful, +shiny boots sink into the red clay, and when we got into camp I would +spend half the night cleaning my boots. The captain said if I would +spend half the time cleaning my carbine and saber that I did cleaning my +boots, I would have been a model soldier. + +I think that for the first year of my service I had as elegant a pair of +boots as could be found in the army. But it was the hardest work to keep +track of them. The first three months it was all I could do to keep +the chaplain from trading me a pair of old army shoes for my boots. The +arguments he used to convince me that mo-. rocco boots were far above my +station, and that they were intended for a chaplain, were labored. If he +had used the same number of words in the right direction, he could have +converted the whole army. I had to sleep with my boots under my head +every night, to prevent them from being stolen and twice they were +stolen from my tent, but in each case recovered at the sutler's, where +they had been pawned for a bottle of brandy peaches, which I had to pay +for to redeem the boots. The boots had become almost a burden to me, +in keeping them, but I enjoyed them so much that money could not have +bought them. When we were in a town for a few days, and I rode around, +it did not make any difference whether I had any other clothes on, of +any account, the morocco boots captured the town. The natives could +not see how a man who wore such boots could be anything but a high-up +thoroughbred. The last time I lost my boots will always be remembered by +those who were in the same command. We were on the march with a Michigan +and a New Jersey regiment, through the dustiest country that ever was. +The dust was eight inches deep in the road, and just like fine ashes. +Every time a horse put his foot down the dust would raise above the +trees, and as there were two thousand horses, with four feet apiece, and +each foot in constant motion, it can be imagined that the troops were +dusty. And it was so hot that the perspiration oozed out of us, but the +dust covered it. + +The three regiments took turns in acting as rear guard, to pick up +stragglers, and on this hot and dusty day the New Jersey regiment was in +the rear. It was composed of Germans entirely, with a German colonel, +a man who had seen service in Europe, and he looked upon a soldier as a +machine, with no soul, fit only to obey orders. That was not the kind of +a soldier I was. During the day's march the boys stripped off +everything they could. I know all I had on was a shirt and pants, and +a handkerchief around my head. I took off my boots and coat and let the +colored cook of the company strap them on to his saddle with the camp +kettles. He usually rode right behind the company, and I thought I could +get my things any time if I wanted to dress up. It was the hardest day's +march that I ever experienced, lungs full of dust, and every man so +covered with dust that you could not recognize your nearest neighbor. +Afternoon the command halted beside a stream, and it was announced that +we would go into camp for the night. The colored cook came along soon +after, and he was perfectly pale, whether from dust or fright I could +not tell, but he announced to me, in a manner that showed that he +appreciated the calamity which had befallen the command, that he had +lost my boots. I was going to kill him, but my carbine was full of dust, +and I made it a point never to kill a man with a dirty gun, so I let him +explain. He said: + +“I fell back to de rear, by dat plantation where de cotton gin was +burning, to see if I couldn't get a canteen of buttermilk to wash de +dust outen my froat, when dat Dutch Noo Jersey gang come along, and de +boss he said, 'nicker, you got back ahead fere you pelong, or I gick you +in de pack mit a saber, aind't it,' and when I get on my mule to come +along he grab de boots and he say, 'nicker, dot boots is better for me,' +and when I was going to take dem away from him he stick me in de pants +wid a saber. Den I come away.” + +I could have stood up under having an arm shot off, but to lose my boots +was more than I could bear. It never did take me long to decide on any +important matter, and in a moment I decided to invade the camp of +that New Jersey regiment, recapture my boots or annihilate every last +foreigner on our soil, so I started off, barefooted, without a coat, and +covered with dust, for the headquarters of the New Jersey fellows. They +had been in camp but a few minutes, but every last one of them had taken +a bath in the river, brushed the dust off his clothes, and looked ready +for dress parade. That was one fault of those foreigners, they were +always clean, if they had half a chance. I went right to the colonel's +tent, and he was surrounded with officers, and they were opening bottles +of beer, and how cool it looked. There was something peculiar about +those foreigners, no matter if they were doing duty in the most +inaccessible place in the south, and were short of transportation, you +could always find beer at their headquarters. I walked right in, and the +colonel was just blowing the foam off a glass of beer. He looked at me +in astonishment, and I said in a voice husky from dust down my neck: + +“Colonel this is an important epoch in the history of our beloved +country. Events have transpired within the past hour, which leaves it an +open question whether, as a nation, we are afoot or on horseback.” + +“Great hefens,” said the colonel, stopping with his glass of beer half +drank, “you vrighten me. Vot has habbened. But vait, und dake a glass of +beer, as you seem exhausted, und proke up. Captain Ouskaspiel, hand the +shendleman some peer. Mine Gott, bud you look hard, strancher.” + +I do not believe that I ever drank anything that seemed to go right to +the spot, the way that beer did. It seemed to start a freshet of dust +down my neck, clear my throat, and brace me up. While I was drinking it +I noticed that the German colonel and his officers eyed me closely, my +bare feet, my flannel shirt full of dust, and my hair that looked +as though I had stood on my head in the road. They waited for me to +continue, and after draining the last drop in the glass, I said: + +“Colonel, it was no ordinary circumstance that induced you brave +foreigners, holding allegiance to European sovereigns, to fly to arms to +defend this new nation from an internecine foe. While we natives, and +to the manor born, left our plows in the furrow, to spring to-arms, you +left your shoemaker shops, the spigots of your beer saloons, the marts +of commerce in which you were engaged, and stood shoulder to shoulder. +Where the bullets of the enemy whistled, there could be found the brave +Dutchmen of New Jersey. It brings tears to eyes unused to weeping, to +think of the German fathers and mothers of our land, who are waiting and +watching for the return of sons who will never come back, and this is, +indeed, harder for them to bear, when we reflect that these boys were +not obliged to fight for our country, holding allegiance, as I said +before to----” + +“Waid a minute, of you blease,” said the colonel. “Dake von more drink, +and dell me, of you please, vot de hell you vos drying to get at. Capt. +Hemrech, gif der shendleman a glass of beer.” + +A second glass of beer was given me, and I drank it. There was evidently +a suspicion on the part of the New Jersey officers that the importance +of my visit had been over-rated by them, and they seemed anxious to have +me come to the point. + +“On the march today,” said I, wiping the foam off my moustache on my +shirt-sleeve, “one of your thieving soldiers stole my boots from our +nigger cook, who was conveying them for me. A cavalry soldier without +boots, is no good. I came after my boots, and I will have them or blood. +Return my boots, or by the eternal, the Wisconsin cavalry regiment +will come over here and everlastingly gallop over your fellows. The +constitution of the United States and the Declaration of Independence, +are on my side. In civil life a man's house is his castle. In the army +a man's boots is his castle. Give me my boots, sir, or the blood of the +slain will rest on your heads.” + +The colonel was half mad and half pleased. He tapped his forehead with +his fore-finger, and looked at his officers in a manner that showed he +believed my head was wrong, but he said kindly: + +“My man, you go oud and sit under a tree, in the shade, and I vill hafe +your poots found if they are in my rechiment,” and I went out. I heard +the colonel say to one of his officers, “It vas too pad dot two good +glasses of beer should be spoiled, giving them to dot grazy solcher. Ve +must be more careful mit de beer.” + +Pretty soon an officer came out and asked me how the boots were taken, +and I gave him all the information I had, and he sent men all around the +regiment, and in an hour or so the boots were brought to me, the man who +stole them was arrested, the officers apologized to me, and I went back +to my regiment in triumph, with my boots under my arms. The incident got +noised around among the other regiments, and for months after that, when +the colonel of the New Jersey cavalry rode by another regiment, the boys +would yell out, “Boots, boots,” or when a company or squad of the New +Jersey fellows would pass along, it was “Look out for your boots! The +shoemakers are coming.” For stealing that one pair of boots, by one man, +a whole regiment got a reputation for stealing that hung to it a long +time. Ten years afterward I was connected with a New York daily paper, +and one evening I was detailed to go to a New Jersey city to report the +commencement exercises of a college. In the programme of exercises I +noticed that a man of the same name of that of the New Jersey colonel, +was one of the college professors, and I wondered if he was the same +man. During the evening he put in an appearance on the stage, and I +could see that he was the colonel who had given me the beer, and caused +my boots to be returned to me. After the exercises of the evening, the +New York newspaper men were invited to partake of a collation in the +apartments of the college officials, and the professors were introduced +to the newspaper men. When my turn came to be introduced, and the old +colonel stood before me, I said: + +“General, you were in the army, were you not?” + +“Yezzer!” said the old man. “I am broud to say dot I fought for my +adopted country. But vy do you ask?” + +“We have met before. I, too, was a soldier. I was at your headquarters +once, on a very important mission. I was entertained, sir, in your tent, +permitted, to partake of the good, things you had, and sent away happy. + +“Vell, you dond't say so,” said the old man, as he pressed my hand +warmly. “Vere vas dis dat you were my guest, and vot vas de important +message?” and he smiled all over his face at the prospect of hearing +something about old times. + +“It was in Mississippi, between Montgomery, Ala., and Vicksburg. Do you +remember the hottest and dustiest day that ever was, when we camped on a +little stream?” said I. + +“O, yah!” said the colonel; “very well. It vas an awful time.” + +“I went to your headquarters with information of vital importance. One +of your soldiers _had stolen my boots_.” + +“Gott in himmel!” said the old colonel, now a college professor, as he +looked at me to see if there was any resemblance between the New York +reporter and the dusty, bare-footed soldier of ten years before. “Vill +I never hear de last of dem dam boots? And you are de same veller, eh. I +have often thought, since dat day, vot an awful gall you had. But it +is all ofer now. You vatch your poots vile you are in New Chersey, for +plenty of dose cavalry-men are all around here. But do me a favor now, +and don't ever again say poots to me, dot's a good fellow,” and then we +all sat down to lunch, and the old colonel told the newspaper boys from +New York about how I called at his tent on the march, looking for a pair +of boots that had eloped with one of his New Chersey dutchmen. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How Private George W. Peck Put Down +The Rebellion, by George W. 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