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diff --git a/old/25489-h.htm.2021-01-25 b/old/25489-h.htm.2021-01-25 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..82dc04d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/25489-h.htm.2021-01-25 @@ -0,0 +1,8271 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Bad Boy Abroad + Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad + in Their Journeys Through Foreign Lands - 1904 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25489] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /> + </p> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="spine (62K)" src="images/spine.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + </td> + <td> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="cover (200K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="004 (105K)" src="images/004.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img alt="titlepage (79K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD + </h1> + <h2> + By Hon. Geo. W. Peck + </h2> + <blockquote> + <p> + Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad in Their + Journeys Through Foreign Lands, Their Visits to Crowned Heads, the + Manners and Customs of the People, and the Bad Boy's Never Ending + Efforts to Provide Fun No Matter Where He Is. + </p> + </blockquote> + <h3> + Profusely Illustrated by D. S. Groesbeck and R. W. Taylor + </h3> + <h4> + THOMPSON & THOMAS - 1904 + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_TOC"> DETAILED CONTENTS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <big><b>PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD.</b></big> + </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Don't Shoot, Please 019 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's + Arctic Overshoes 027 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase + 31 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> He Began to Dance All Around the Platform + 037 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the + Porter 042 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> President Began to Curl up his Lip 045 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch + 047 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George + and Martha 050 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants + 057 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> Night Watchman Came in With a House + Policeman 071 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More + Than I Do 074 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen + 078 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Snarl at Everybody They See 101 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0018"> Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those + Princes 098 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0019"> Beefeater's Stampede 107 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0020"> Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0021"> Settling the Irish Question 115 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0022"> God Save the King 119 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0023"> He Went over Backwards 121 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0024"> Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of + The Heroes 126 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0025"> Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0026"> Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to + Wad a Gun 131 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0027"> Dad Drove the Dukes out 135 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0028"> Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0029"> A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0030"> I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0031"> Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed + 148 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0032"> Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word + “bishop” 153 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0033"> Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail + 155 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0034"> Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and + Women 157 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0035"> He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0036"> Dance, Like They Had Seen the People + Dance at The Show 164 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0037"> A System of Gambling 162 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0038"> Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke + 166 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0039"> Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up + Another Roll 171 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0040"> Started in on a Democratic Speech 175 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0041"> Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to + Say a Prayer 178 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0042"> Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet + 181 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0043"> Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened + 183 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0044"> Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till + Morning 188 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0045"> Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just + Giving to Beggars 191 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0046"> Overboard, One Yell in the English + Language, One In Eye-talian 193 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0047"> Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do + You 197 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0048"> Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0049"> Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0050"> Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0051"> The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a + Sight 210 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0052"> It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old + Baldhead 214 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0053"> And She Was Stroking his Hair 217 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0054"> He Was Yelling for Water 223 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0055"> Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0056"> It Brought on a Revolution 227 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0057"> What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of + Amusement 230 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0058"> Went over in the Sand and Struck his + Pants on a Cactus 233 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0059"> He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0060"> Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me + 238 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0061"> For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0062"> He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and + Throw Me Into a Pile 246 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0063"> The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just + Doted On Americans 250 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0064"> See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money + 253 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0065"> A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed + Him over The Back 258 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0066"> Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a + Revolver 255 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0067"> Hung by One Pant Leg 264 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0068"> Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0069"> Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0070"> Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271 + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0071"> When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and + Petted It 276 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0072"> Get out You Hounds 282 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0073"> There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town + To-night 279 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0074"> Another Took Me by the Ear 285 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0075"> He Must Bring his Folks, and All His + Wives 289 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0076"> He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0077"> Stampede 299 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0078"> It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To + American Epidermis 304 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0079"> Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf + 308 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0080"> Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids + 311 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0081"> I Was Ashamed of Dad 319 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0082"> Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0083"> Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0084"> Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The + Banks Will Cave In 329 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0085"> Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would + Split Hisself 333 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0086"> Breathed in his Face 339 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0087"> The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne + Pepper Candy 347 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0088"> Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0089"> Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns + 349 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0090"> There is Laughter Everywhere 353 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0091"> And So This is the Champion Little Devil + of America 357 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0092"> Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and + Scratched his Back 364 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0093"> Began to Sell Things To Dad 368 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0094"> Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That + Swimming Place 372 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0095"> I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side + 378 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0096"> When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes + 375 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0097"> Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants + 386 </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0098"> The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382 </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CONTENTS + </h2> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER I. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Groceryman + After Being Away at <br /> School—The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER II. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels—The + Bad Boy Labels the <br /> Old Man's Suit Case—How the Cowboys Made + Him Dance Once <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER III. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to + Washington—He <br /> and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt—The + Bad Boy Meets One of the <br /> Children and They Disagree <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon—Dad + Weeps at the Grave of <br /> the Father of Our Country <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER V. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the + Waldorf-Astoria—The Bad Boy <br /> Orders Dinner—The Old Man + Gets Stuck—Tries to Rescue a Countess in <br /> Distress <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean + Voyages—His Dad Has <br /> an Argument Over a Steamer Chair. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog—Call on Astor—A + Dynamite Outrage <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VIII. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the + White-chapel <br /> District—He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower + of London <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IX. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost + Settle the Irish <br /> Question <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER X. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen—¦ + They Get a Taste <br /> of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story of + the Picklemaker's <br /> Daughter <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About Paris—Tells About the + Trip Across the English <br /> Channel—Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets + Arrested <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XII. <br /> The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris—Dad + Poses as a Mormon Bishop <br /> and Has to Be Rescued—They Climb + the Eiffel Tower and the Old Man Gets <br /> Converted <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIII. <br /> The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a + Scheme to Break the <br /> Bank, But They Go Broke—The Party in + Trouble <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride—They + Run Over a <br /> Peasant—Climb “Glaziers”—Dad Falls Over a + Precipice, But Is Rescued by <br /> the Guides After a Hard Time of It + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XV. <br /> Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist—They Give Alms to + the Beggars and the Bad <br /> Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the + Grand Canal <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes from Naples—Dad Sees + Vesuvius and Calls the Servants <br /> to Put Out the Fire—They + Have Trouble with a “Dago” in Pompeii <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius—A + Chicago Lady Joins the Party <br /> and Causes Trouble <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVIII. <br /> The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian + Children—Dad is Chased by <br /> Lions from the Coliseum—” + Not Any More Rome for Papa,” says Dad <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIX. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope—They Bow + to, the King of Italy <br /> and His Nine Spots—Dad Finds That “The + Catacombs” Is Not a Comic Opera <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XX. <br /> The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the + Trouble They Had to <br /> Get There—Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It + Up with the People and Soldiers <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXI. <br /> Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints—'The + Bad Boy Arranges a Wolf <br /> Hunt—Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy + to the Wolves <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXII. <br /> Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople—They + Find the Turks <br /> Sensitive on the Dog Question—A College Yell + for the Sultan Sends Him <br /> Into a Fit <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem—“Little + Egypt” Does <br /> a Dancing Stunt—The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty + Wives to the President <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo—At the + Hotel They Meet Some <br /> Egyptian Princesses—Dad Rides a Camel + to the Pyramids and Meets with <br /> Difficulties <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids—The + Bad Boy Lights a Cannon <br /> Cracker in Rameses' Tomb—They Flee + from Egypt in Disguise <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar—The + Irish-English Army—How He Would <br /> Take the Fortress—Dad + Wants to Buy the “Rock” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVII. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes of Spain—They call On the + King and the Bad Boy Is At <br /> It Once More—They See a Bull + Fight and Dad Does a Turn <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVIII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin—They Call + On Emperor William and His <br /> Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on + Them All <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIX. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels—He and Dad + See the Field of Waterloo <br /> and Call on King Leopold, and Dad and + the King Go in for a Swim—The Bad <br /> Boy, a Dog and Some Goats + Do the Rest <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXX. <br /> The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter About Holland and Cuba—Dad + and the Boy Go <br /> for a Drive in a Dog-Cart—They Have a Great + Time—Land in Cuba and See <br /> the Island We Fought For <br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Grocery-man After + Being Away at School—The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way. +</pre> + <p> + The bad boy had been away to school, but the illness of his father had + called him home, and for some weeks he had been looking about the old + town. He had found few of his old friends. His father had recovered + somewhat from his illness, and one day he met his old chum, a boy of his + own age. The bad boy and the chum got busy at once, talking over the old + times that tried the souls of the neighbors and finally the bad boy asked + about the old groceryman, and found that the old man still held out at the + old stand, with the same old stock of groceries, and they decided to call + upon him, and surprise him. So after it began to be dark they entered the + store, and found the old groceryman sitting on a cracker box by the stove, + stroking the back of an old maltese cat that had a yellow streak on the + back, where it had been singed by crawling under the red-hot stove. As the + boys entered the store the cat raised its back, its tail became as large + as a rolling pin, and the cat began to spit, while the old groceryman held + up both hands and said: + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/019.jpg" alt="Don't Shoot, Please 019 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Don't shoot, please, but one of you go behind the counter and take what + there is in the cash drawer, while the other one can reach into my pistol + pocket and release my pocketbook. This is the fifth time I have been held + up this year, and I have got so if I am not held up about so often I can't + sleep nights.” + </p> + <p> + “O, put down your hands and straighten out that cat's back,” said the bad + boy, as he slapped the old groceryman on the back so hard his spine + cracked like a frozen sidewalk. “Don't you know us, you old geezer? We are + the only and original Peck's Bad Boy and his Chum, come to life, and ready + for business,” and the two boys danced a jig on the floor, covered an inch + thick with the spilled sugar of years ago, the molasses that had strayed + from barrel, and the general refuse of the dirty place, which had become + as hard as asphalt. + </p> + <p> + “O, dear, it is worse than I thought,” said the old groceryman as he + laughed a hysterical laugh through the long whiskers, and he hugged the + boys as though he had a liking for them, notwithstanding the suffering + they had caused him. “By gosh, I thought you were nothing but common + robbers, who just wanted my money. You are old friends, and can have the + whole place,” and he poured some milk into a basin for the cat, but the + animal only looked at the two boys as though she knew them, and watched + them to see what was coming next. + </p> + <p> + The bad boy looked around the old grocery, which had not changed a + particle during the time he had been away, the same old box of petrified + prunes, the dried apples that could not be cut with a hatchet, the canned + stuff on the shelves had become so old that the labels had curled up and + fallen off, so it must have been a guess with the old groceryman whether + he was selling a can of peas or tomatoes, and the old fellow standing + there as though the world had gone off and left him, as his customers had. + </p> + <p> + “Well, wouldn't this skin you,” said the bad boy, as he took up a dried + prune and tried to crack it with a hatchet on a two-pound weight, turning + to his chum who was stroking the singed hair of the old cat the wrong way. + “Say, old man, you ought to get a hustle on you. Why don't you clean out + this shebang, and put in a new stock, of goods, and have clerks with white + aprons on, and a girl bookkeeper, and goods that people will buy and eat + and not get sick? There is a grocery down street that is as clean as a + whistle, and I notice all your old customers go there. Why don't you keep + up with the times?” + </p> + <p> + “O, I ain't running a dude place,” said the old man, as he took a piece of + soft coal and put it in the old round stove, and wiped the black off his + hands on his trousers. “I am trying to get rid of my customers. I have got + money enough to live on, and I just stay here waiting for the old cat to + die. I have only got six customers left, and one of them has got + pneumonia, and is going to die, then there will be only five. When they + are all gone I shall sit here by the stove until the end comes. There is + nothing doing now to keep me awake, since you boys quit getting me mad. + Say, boys, do you know, I haven't been real mad since you quit coming + here. The only fun I have had is swearing at my customers when they stick + up their noses at my groceries. It's the funniest thing, when I tell an + old customer that if they don't like my goods they can go plum to thunder, + they get mad and go somewhere else to trade. Times must be changing. Years + ago, the more I abused customers the more they liked it, and I just + charged the goods to them with a pencil on a piece of brown wrapping + paper. I had four cracker boxes full of brown wrapping paper with things + charged on the paper against customers, but when anybody wanted to pay + their account it made my head ache to find it, and so one day I balanced + my books by using the brown wrapping paper to kindle the fire. If you ever + want to get even with the world, easy, just pour a little kerosene on your + accounts, and put them in the stove. I have never been so free from worry + as I have since I balanced my books in the stove. Well, I suppose you have + come home on account of your dad's sickness,” said the old groceryman, + turning to the bad boy, who had written a sign, 'The Morgue,' and pinned + it on the window. “I understand your dad had an operation performed on him + in a hospital. What did the doctors take out of him?” + </p> + <p> + “Dad had an operation all right,” said the bad boy, “but he is not as much + interested in what they took out of him, as what he thinks they left in. + They said they removed his appendix, and I guess they did, for dad showed + me the bill the doctors rendered. The bill was big enough so they might + have taken out a whole lot more. If I had been home I would never have let + him be cut into, but ma insisted that he must have an operation. She said + all the men on our street, and all that moved in our set, had had + operations, and she was ashamed to go out in society and be forced to + admit that dad never had an operation, She told dad that he could afford + it better than half the people that had operations, and that a scar + criss-cross on the stomach was a badge of honor. He never got a scar in + the army, and she simply would not be able to look people in the face + unless dad was operated on. Dad always was subject to stomach ache, but + until appendicitis became fashionable he had always taken a mess of pills, + and come out all right, but ma diagnosed the case the last time he was + doubled up like a jack-knife, and dad was hustled off to the hospital, and + they didn't do a thing to him. + </p> + <p> + “He told me about it since I came home, and now he lays the whole thing to + ma, and I have to stand between them. He is going to get even with ma, + though. The first time she complains of anything going on inside of her + works, he is going to send her right to a hospital and have the doctors do + their worst. Dad said to me, says he: + </p> + <p> + “'Hennery, if you ever feel anything like a caucus being held inside you, + don't you ever go to a hospital, but just swallow a stick of dynamite and + light the fuse, then there won't be anything left inside to bother you + afterwards. When I got to the hospital they stripped me for a prize fight, + put me on a table made of glass, and rolled me into the operating room, + gave me chloroform and when they thought I was all in, they took an axe + and chopped me. I could feel every blow, and it is a wonder they left + enough of your old dad for you to hug when you came home.' + </p> + <p> + “Say, it is kind of pitiful to hear dad talk about the things they left in + him.” + </p> + <p> + “What things does he think they left in him,” asked the old groceryman, as + he looked frightened, and felt of his stomach, as though he mistrusted + there might be something wrong with him, too. + </p> + <p> + “O, dad has been reading in the papers about doctors that perform + operations leaving sponges, forceps, and things inside of patients, when + they close up the place, and since dad has got pretty fussy since his + operation he thinks they left something in him. Some days he thinks they + left a roll of cotton batting, or a pillow, or a bale of hay, but when + there is a sharp pain inside he thinks they left a carving knife, but for + a week he has settled down to the belief that the doctors left a monkey + wrench in him, and he is just daffy on that subject. Says he can feel it + turning around, as though it was miscrewing machinery, and he wants to + consult a new doctor every day as to what he can take to dissolve a monkey + wrench, so it will pass off through the blood and pores of the skin. He + has taken it into his head that nothing will save his life except to + travel all over the country, and the world. I am to go with him to look + after him.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/025.jpg" alt="Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “By ginger, it's great! Just think of it. Traveling all over the world and + nothing to do but nurse my old dad who thinks he is filled with hardware + and carpenter's tools. Gee! but I wish you could go,” said the bad boy, as + he put him arm around his chum. “Maybe we wouldn't make these foreigners + sit up and take an interest in something besides Royalty and Riots.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said the groceryman, “they will have my sympathy with you alone + over there.” + </p> + <p> + “But before you start on the road with your monkey-wrench show, you come + in here and let me put up a package of those prunes to take along. They + will keep in any climate, and there is nothing better for iron in the + blood, such as your dad has, than prunes. Call again, bub, and we will + arrange for you to write to your chum from all the places you go with your + dad, and he can come in here and read the letters to me and the cat.” + </p> + <p> + “All right, old Father Time,” said the bad boy, as he drew a mug of cider + out of the vinegar barrel, and took a swallow. “But what you want to do is + to get a road scraper and drive a team through this grocery, and clean the + floor,” and the boys went out just ahead of the old man's arctic + overshoes, as he kicked at them, and then he went back and sat down by the + stove and stroked the cat, which had got its back down level again, after + its old enemies had gone down the street, throwing snowballs at the driver + of a hearse. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/027.jpg" + alt="Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's Arctic Overshoes 027 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “It is a solemn occupation to drive a hearse,” said the bad boy. + </p> + <p> + “Not so solemn as riding inside,” said the chum. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels—The Bad Boy + Labels the Old Man's Suit Case—How the Cowboys Made Him + Dance Once. +</pre> + <p> + The old groceryman was in front of the grocery, bent oyer a box of + rutabagas, turning the decayed sides down to make the possible customer + think all was not as bad as it might be, when a shrill whistle down the + street attracted his attention. He looked in the direction from which it + came, and saw the bad boy coming with a suit case in one hand and a sole + leather hat box in the other, and the old man went in the store to say a + silent prayer, and to lay a hatchet and an ax handle where he could reach + them if the worst came. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you want to get a good look at me now,” said the bad boy, as he + dropped the valise on the floor, and put the hat box on the counter, “for + it will be months and maybe years, before you see me again.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, joy!” said the old groceryman, as he heaved a sigh, and tried to look + sorry. “What is it, reform school, or have the police ordered you out of + town? I have felt it coming for a long time. This is the only town you + could have plied your vocation so long in and not been pulled. Where are + you going with the dude suit case and the hat box?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, dad has got a whole mess more diseases, and the doctors had a + conversation over him Sunday, and they say he has got to go away again, + right now, and that a sea voyage will brace him up and empty him out so + medicine over in Europe can get in its work and strengthen him so he can + start back after a while and probably die on the way home, and be buried + at sea. Dad says he will go, for he had rather die at sea than on land, + 'cause they don't have to have any trouble about a funeral, 'cause all + they do is to sew a man up in a piece of cloth, tie a sack of coal to his + feet, slide him off a board, and he goes kerplunk down into the salt water + about a mile, and stands there on his feet and makes the whales and sharks + think he is a new kind of fish.” + </p> + <p> + “Gee! but that is a programme that appeals to me as sort of uncanny,” said + the old man. “Is your dad despondent over the outlook? What new disease + has he got?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/031.jpg" + alt="Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase 31 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “All of 'em,” said the boy, as he took a label off a tomato can and pasted + it on the end of the suit case. “You take an almanac and read about all + the diseases that the medicine advertised in the almanac cures, and dad + has got the whole lot of them, nervous prostration, rheumatism, liver + trouble, stomach busted, lungs congested, diaphragm turned over, heart + disease, bronchitis, corns, bunions, every darn thing a man can catch + without costing him anything. But he is not despondent. He just thinks it + is an evidence of genius, and a certificate of standing in society and + wealth. He argues that the poor people who have only one disease are not + in it with statesmen and scholars. Oh, he is all right. He thinks if he + goes to Europe all knocked out, he will class with emperors and dukes. Oh, + since he had that operation and had his appendix chopped out, he thinks + there is a bond of sympathy between him and King Edward that will cause + him to be invited to be the guest of royalty. He is just daffy,” and the + bad boy took a sapolio label out of a box and pasted it on the other end + of the valise. + </p> + <p> + “What in thunder and lightning are you pasting those labels on your valise + for?” said the old man, as the boy reached for a Quaker oats label and a + soap advertisement and pasted them on. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, dad said he wished he had some foreign labels of hotels and things on + his valise, to make fellow travelers believe he had been abroad before, + and I told him I could fix it all right. You see, if I paste things all + over the valise he will think it is all right, 'cause he is near sighted,” + and the boy pasted on a label for 37 varieties of pickles, and then put on + an advertisement for hair restorer on the hat box. + </p> + <p> + “Say, here's a fine one, this malted milk label, with a New Jersey cow on + the corner,” said the old man, as he began to take interest in the boy's + talent as an artist. “And here, try one of these green pea can labels, and + the pork and beans legend, and the only soap. Say, if you and your dad + don't create a sensation from the minute you take the train till you get + back, you can take it out of my wages. When are you going?” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow night,” said the boy, as he put more labels on the hat box, and + stood off and looked at them with the eye of an artist. “We go to New York + first to stay a few days and see things, and then we take a steamer and + sail away, and the sicker dad is the more time I will have to fill up on + useful nollig.” + </p> + <p> + “Hennery,” said the old groceryman, as his chin trembled, and a tear came + to his eye. “I want to ask you a favor. At times, when you have been + unusually mean, I have thought I hated you, but when I have said something + ugly to you, and have laid awake all night regretting it, it has occurred + to me that you were about the best friend I had. I think it makes an old + man forget his years, to be chummy with a live boy, full of ginger, and I + do like you, condemn you, and I can't help it. Now I want you to write me + every little while, on your trip, and I will read your letters to the + customers here in the store, who will be lonely until they can hear that + you are dead. The neighbors will come in to read your letters, and it will + bring me custom. Will you write to me, boy, and pour out your heart to me, + and tell me of the different troubles you get your dad into, for surely + you cannot help finding trouble over there if you go hunting for it. + Promise me, boy.” + </p> + <p> + “You bet your life I will, old pard,” said the bad boy. “I shall have to + have some escape valve to keep from busting. I was going to write to my + chum, but he is in love with a telephone girl, and he don't take any time + for pleasure. I will write you about every dutch and duchess we meet, + every prince and pauper, and everything. You watch my smoke, and you will + think there is a train afire. I hope dad will try and restrain himself + from wanting to fight everybody that belongs to any country but America. + He has bought one one these little silk American flags to wear in his + button hole, and he swears if anybody looks cross-eyed at that flag he + will simply cut his liver out, and toast it on a fork, and eat it. He + makes me tired, and I know there is going to be trouble.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't you think your dad's mind sort of wanders?” said the old + groceryman, in a whisper, “It wouldn't be strange, after all he has gone + through, in raising you up to your present size, if he was a little off + his base.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, ma thinks he is bug-house, and the hired girl is willing to go into + court and swear to it, and that experience we had coming home from the + Yellowstone park some time ago, made me think if he was not crazy he would + be before long, You see, we had a hot box on the engine, and had to stay + at a station in the bad lands for an hour, and there were a mess of cow + boys on the platform, and I told dad we might as well have some amusement + while we were there, and that a brake-man told me the cow boys were great + dancers, but you couldn't hire them to dance, but if some man with a + strong personality would demand that they dance, and put his hand on his + pistol pocket they would all jump in and dance for an hour. That was + enough for dad, for he has a microbe that he is a man of strong + personality, and that when he demands that anybody do something they + simply got to do it, so he walked up and down the platform a couple of + times to get his draw poker face on, and I went up to one of the cow boys + and told him that the old duffer used to be a ballet dancer, and he + thought everybody ought to dance when they were told to, and that if the + spell should come on him, and he should order them to dance, it would be a + great favor to me if they would just give him a double shuffle or two, + just to ease his mind. + </p> + <p> + “Well, pretty soon he came along to where the cowboys were leaning against + the railing, and, looking at them in a haughty manner, he said: 'Dance, + you kiotes, dance,' and he put his hand to his pistol pocket. Well, sir, I + never saw so much fun in my life. Four of the cow boys pulled revolvers + and began to shoot regular bullets into the platform within an inch of + dad's feet, and they yelled to him: 'Dance your own self, you ancient + maverick; whoop 'er up!' and by gosh! dad was so frightened that he began + to dance all around the platform, and it was like a battle, the bullets + splintering the boards, and the smoke filling the air, and the passengers + looking out of the windows and laughing, and the engineer and fireman + looking on and yelling, and dad nearly exhausted from the exertion. I + guess if the conductor had not got the hot box put out and yelled all + aboard, dad would have had apoplexy.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/037.jpg" + alt="He Began to Dance All Around the Platform 037 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “When he let up, the cow boys quit shooting, and he! 'ol aboard the train + and started. I stayed in the smoking car with the train butcher for more + than an hour, 'cause I was afraid if I went in the car where dad was he + would make some remark that would offend my pride, and when I did go back + to the car he just said: 'Somebody fooled you. Those fellows couldn't + dance, and I knew it all the time.' Yes, I guess there is no doubt dad is + crazy sometimes, but let me chaperone him through a few foreign countries + and he will stand without hitching all right. Well, goodby, now, old man, + and try and bear up under it, till you get a letter from me,” and the bad + boy took his labeled valise and hat box and started. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to + Washington—He and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt— + The Bad Boy Meets One of the Children and They Disagree. +</pre> + <p> + Washington, D. C—My Dear Old Skate: I didn't tell you in my last + about the fun we had getting here. We were on the ocean wave two days, + because the whole country was flooded from the rains, and dad walked the + quarter deck of the Pullman car, and hitched up his pants, and looked + across the sea on each side of the train with a field glass, looking for + whales and porpoises. He seems to be impressed with the idea that this + trip abroad is one of great significance to the country, and that he is to + be a sort of minister plenipotentiary, whatever that is, and that our + country is going to be judged by the rest of the world by the position he + takes on world affairs. The first day out of Chicago dad corraled the + porter in a section and talked to him until the porter was black in the + face. I told dad the only way to get respectful consideration from a negro + was to advocate lynching and burning at the stake, for the slightest + things, so when our porter was unusually attentive to a young woman on the + car dad hauled him over the coals, and scared him so by talking of + hanging, and burning in kerosene oil, that the negro got whiter than your + shirt, and when he got away from dad he came to me and asked if that old + man with the red nose and the gold-headed cane was as dangerous as he + talked. I told him he was my dad, and that he was a walking delegate of + the Amalgamated Association of Negro Lynchers, and when a negro did + anything that he ought to be punished for they sent for dad, and he took + charge of the proceedings and saw that the negro was hanged, and shot, and + burned up plenty. But I told him that dad was crazy on the subject of + giving tips to servants, and he must not fall dead when we got to + Washington if dad gave him a $50 bill, and he must not give back any + change, but just act as though he always got $50 from passengers. Well, + you'd a dide to see that negro brush dad 50 times a day, and bring a towel + every few minutes to wipe off his shoes, but he kept one eye,' about as + big as an onion, on dad all the time, to watch that he didn't get stabbed. + The next morning I took dad's pants from under his pillow, and hid them in + a linen closet, and dad laid in his berth all the forenoon, and had it out + with the porter, whom he accused of stealing them. The doctors told me I + must keep dad interested and excited, so he would not dwell on his + sickness, and I did, sure as you are a foot high. Dad stood it till almost + noon, when he came out of his berth with his pajamas on, these kind with + great blue stripes like a fellow in the penitentiary, and when he went to + the wash room I found his pants and then he dressed up and swore some at + everybody but me. We got to Washington all right, and I thought I would + bust when dad fished out a nickel and gave it to the porter, and we got + out of the car before the porter came to, and the first day we stayed in + the hotel for fear the negro would see us, as I told dad that porter would + round up a gang of negroes with razors and they would waylay us and cut + dad all up into sausage meat. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/041.jpg" + alt="Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the Porter 041 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad is the bravest man I ever saw when there is no danger, but when there + is a chance for a row he is weak as a cat. I spect it is on account of his + heart being weak. A man's internal organs are a great study. I spose a + brave man, a hero, has to have all his inside things working together, to + be real up and up brave, but if his heart is strong, and his liver is + white, he goes to pieces in an emergency, and if his liver is all right, + and he tries to fight just on his liver, when the supreme moment arrives, + and his heart jumps up into his throat, and wabbles and beats too quick, + he just flunks. I would like to dissect a real brave man, and see what + condition the things inside him are in, but it would be a waste of time to + dissect dad, 'cause I know all his inner works need to go to a watchmaker + and be cleaned, and a new main spring put in. + </p> + <p> + Well, this morning dad shaved himself, and got on his frock coat, and his + silk hat, and said we would go over to the white house and have a talk + with Teddy, but first he wanted to go and see where Jefferson hitched his + horse to the fence when he came to Washington to be innogerated, and where + Jackson smoked his corn cob pipe, and swore and stormed around when he was + mad, and to walk on the same paths where Zachariah Taylor Zacked, Buchanan + catched it, and Lincoln put down the rebellion, and so we walked over + toward the white house, and I was scandalized. I stopped to pick up a + stone to throw at a dog inside the fence, and when I walked along behind + dad, and got a rear view of his silk hat, it seemed as though I would sink + through the asphalt pavement, for he had on an old silk hat that he wore + before the war, the darnedest looking hat I ever saw, the brim curled like + a minstrel show hat, the fur rubbed off in some places, and he looked like + one of these actors that you see pictures of walking on the railroad + track, when the show busts up at the last town. I think a man ought to + dress so his young son won't have a fit. I tried to get dad to go and buy + a new hat, but he said he was going to wait till he got to London, and buy + one just like King Edward wears, but he will never get to London with that + hat, 'cause to-night I will throw it out of the hotel window and put a + piece of stove pipe in his hat box. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, you wouldn't believe it, but we got into the white house + without being pulled, but it was a close shave, 'cause everybody looked at + dad, and put their forefingers to their foreheads, for they thought he was + either a crank, or an ambassador from some furrin country. The detectives + got around dad when we got into the anteroom, and began to feel of his + pockets to see if he had a gun, and one of them asked me what the old + fellow wanted, and I told them he was the greatest bob cat shooter in the + west, and was on his way to Europe to invite the emperors and things to + come over to this country and shoot cats on his preserve. Well, say, you + ought to have seen how they stepped one side and waltzed around, and one + of them went in the next room and told the president dad was there, and + before we knew it we were in the president's room, and the president began + to curl up his lip, and show his teeth like some one had said “rats.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/045.jpg" alt="President Began to Curl up his Lip 045 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + He got hold of dad's hand, and dad backed off as though he was afraid of + being bitten, and then they sat down and talked about mountain lion and + cat shooting, and dad said he had a 22 rifle that he could pick a cat off + the back fence with every time, out of his bedroom window, and I began to + look around at the pictures. Dad and the president talked about all kinds + of shooting, from mudhens to moose, and then dad told the president he was + going abroad on account of his liver, and wanted a letter of introduction + to some of the kings and emperors, and queens, and jacks, and all the face + cards, and the president said he made it a practice not to give any + personal letters to his friends, the kings, but that dad could tell any of + them that he met that he was an American citizen, and that would take him + anywhere in Europe, and then he got up and began to show his teeth at dad + again, and dad gave him the grand hailing sign of distress of the Grand + Army and backed out, dropped his hat, and in trying to pick it up, he + stepped on it, but that made it look better, anyway, and we found + ourselves outside the room, and a lot of common people from the country + were ready to go in and talk politics and cat shooting. + </p> + <p> + Well, we looked at pictures, and saw the state dining room where they feed + 50 diplomats at a time on mud turtle and champagne, and a boy about my + size looked sort of disdainful at me, and I told him it he would come + outside I would mash his jaw, and he said I could try it right there if I + was in a hurry to go, and I was starting to give him a swift punch when a + detective took hold of my arm and said they couldn't have any scrap there, + 'cause the president's son could not fight with common boys, and I asked + him who he called a common boy, and then dad said we better go before war + broke out in a country that was illy prepared for hostilities on a large + scale, and then I told a detective that dad was liable to have one of his + spells and begin shooting any minute, and then the detectives all thought + dad was one of these president assassinationists, and they took him into a + room and searched him, and asked him a whole lot of fool questions, and + they finally let us out, and told us we better skip the town before night. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/047.jpg" + alt="I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch 047 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad got kind of heavy-hearted over that and took a notion he would like to + see ma again before crossing the briny deep, so you came near having your + little angel again soon. This weakness of dad's didn't last long, for + we're looking for a warm time in New York and old Lunnon. + </p> + <p> + So long, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon—Dad Weeps at the + Grave of the Father of Our Country. +</pre> + <p> + New York City.—My Dear Uncle Ezra: I got a letter from my chum this + morning, and he says he was in the grocery the day he wrote, and you were + a sight. He says that if I am going to be away several months you will + never change your shirt till I get back, for nobody around the grocery + seems to have any influence over you. I meant to have put you under bonds + before I left, to change your shirt at least quarterly, but you ought to + change it by rights every month. The way to do is to get an almanac and + make a mark on the figures at the first of the month, and when you are + studying the almanac it will remind you of your duty to society. People + east here, that is, business men in your class, change their shirts every + week or two. Try and look out for these little matters, insignificant as + they may seem, because the public has some rights that it is dangerous for + a man to ignore. + </p> + <p> + Dad and I have been down to Mount Vernon, and had a mighty solemn time. I + think dad expected that we would be met at the trolley car by a delegation + of descendants of George Washington, by a four-horse carriage, with + postilions and things, and driven to the old house, and received with some + distinction, as dad had always been an admirer of George Washington, and + had pointed with pride to his record as a statesman and a soldier, but all + we saw was a bunch of negroes, who told us which way to walk, and charged + us ten cents apiece for the information. + </p> + <p> + At Mount Vernon we found the old house where George lived and died, where + Martha told him to wipe his feet before he came in the house, and saw that + things were cooked properly. We saw pictures of revolutionary scenes and + men of that period, relics of the days when George was the whole thing + around there. We saw the bed on which George died, and then we went down + to the icehouse and looked through the fence and saw the marble coffins in + which George and Martha were sealed up. Say, old man, I know you haven't + got much reverence, but you couldn't look through that fence at what + remains of the father of his country without taking off your hat and + thinking good things while you were there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/050.jpg" + alt="Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George and Martha 050 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I was surprised at dad; he cried, though he never met George Washington in + all his life. I have seen dad at funerals at home, when he was a bearer, + or a mourner, and he never acted as thought it affected him much, but + there at Mount Vernon, standing within eight feet of the remains of George + Washington, he just lost his nerve, and bellered, and I felt solemn + myself, like I had been kept in after school when all the boys were going + in swimming. If a negro had not asked dad for a quarter I know dad would + have got down on his knees and been pious, but when he gave that negro a + swift kick for butting in with a commercial proposition, in a sacred + moment, dad come to, and we went up to the house again. Dad said what he + wanted was to think of George Washington just as a country farmer, instead + of a general and a president. He said we got nearer to George, if we + thought of him getting up in the morning, putting on his old farmer pants + and shirt, and going downstairs in his stocking feet, and going out to the + kitchen by the wooden bench, dipping a gourd full of rain water out of a + barrel into an earthen wash basin and taking some soft soap out of a dish + and washing himself, his shirt open so his great hairy breast would catch + the breeze, his suspenders, made of striped bed ticking, hanging down, his + hair touseled up until he had taken out a yellow pocket comb and combed + it, and then yelling to Martha to know about how long a workingman would + have to wait for breakfast. And then dad said he liked to think of George + Washington sitting down at the breakfast table and spearing sausages out + of a platter, and when a servant brought in a mess of these old-fashioned + buckwheat cakes, as big as a pieplate, see George, in imagination, pilot a + big one on to his plate, and cover it with sausage gravy, and eat like he + didn't have any dyspepsia, and see him help Martha to buckwheat cakes, and + finally get up from breakfast like a full Christian and go out on the farm + and count up the happy slaves to see if any of them had got away during + the night. + </p> + <p> + By ginger, dad inspired me with new thoughts about the father of his + country. I had always thought of Washington as though he was constantly + crossing the Delaware in a skiff, through floating ice, with a cocked hat + on, and his coat flaps trimmed with buff nankeen stuff, a sort of a male + Eliza in “Uncle Tom's Cabin,” getting away from the hounds that were + chasing her to chew her pants. I was always thinking of George either + chopping cherry trees, or standing on a pedestal to have his picture + taken, but here at the old farm, with dad to inspire me, I was just + mingling with Washington, the planter, the neighbor, telling the negroes + where they would get off at if they didn't pick cotton fast enough, or + breaking colts, or going to the churn and drinking a quart of buttermilk, + and getting the stomach ache, and calling upstairs to Martha, who was at + the spinning wheel, or knitting woolen socks, and asking her to fix up a + brandy smash to cure his griping pains. I thought of the father of his + country taking a severe cold, and not being able to run into a drug store + for a bottle of cough sirup, or a quinine pill, having Martha fix a tub of + hot mustard water to soak those great feet of his, and bundle him up in a + flannel blanket, give him a hot whisky, and put him to bed with a hot + brick at his feet. + </p> + <p> + Then, when I looked at a duck blind out in the Potomac, near the shore, I + thought how George used to put on an old coat and slouch hat and take his + gun and go out in the blind, and shoot canvas-back ducks for dinner, and + paddle his boat out after the dead birds, the way Grover Cleveland did a + century later. I tell you, old man, the way to appreciate our great + statesmen, soldiers and scholars is to think of them just as plain, + ordinary citizens, doing the things men do nowadays. It does dad and I + more good to think of Washington and his friends camping out down the + Potomac, on a fishing trip, sleeping on a bed of pine boughs, and cooking + their own pork, and roasting sweet potatoes in the ashes, eating with + appetites like slaves, than to think of him at a state dinner in the white + house, with a French cook disguising the food so they could not tell what + it was. + </p> + <p> + O, I had rather have a picture of George Washington and Lafayette coming + up the bank of the Potomac toward the house, loaded down with ducks, and + Martha standing on the porch of Mount Vernon asking them who they bought + the ducks of and how much they cost, than to have one of those big + paintings in the white house showing George and Lafayette looking as + though they had conquered the world. If the phonograph had been invented + then, and we could listen to the conversation of those men, just as they + said things, it would be great. Imagine George saying to Lafayette, so you + cotild hear it now: “Lafe, that last shot at that canvasback you made was + the longest shot ever made on the Potomac. It was a Jim dandy, you old + frog eater,” and imagine Lafayette replying: “You bet your life, George, I + nailed that buck canvasback with a charge of number six shot, and he never + knew what struck him.” But they didn't have any phonographs in those days + and so you have got to imagine things. + </p> + <p> + How would Washington's farewell address sound now in a phonograph, or some + of George's choice swear words at a slave that had ridden a sore-backed + mule down to Alexandria after a jug of rum. I would like to run a + phonograph show with nothing in the machine but ancient talk from George + Washington, but we can have no such luck unless George is born again. + </p> + <p> + Old man, if you ever get a furlough from business, you go down to Mount + Vernon and revel in memories of the father of his country. If you go, hunt + up a negro with a hair lip, that is a servant there, and who used to be + Washington's body servant, unless he is a liar, and tell him I sent you + and he won't do a thing to you, for a dollar or so. I told that negro that + dad was a great general, a second Washington, and he wore all the skin off + his bald head taking off his hat to dad every time dad looked at him, and + he bowed until his back ached, but when we were going away, and dad asked + me what ailed the old monkey to act that way, the old negro thought these + new Washingtons were a pretty tough lot. + </p> + <p> + All the time at Mount Vernon I couldn't get up meanness enough to play any + trick on dad, but I picked up a sort of a horse chestnut or something, + with prickers on it as sharp as needles, and as we were getting on the + trolley I slipped it down the back of dad's pants, near where his + suspenders button on, and by the time we sat down in the car the horse + chestnut had worked down where dad is the largest, and when he leaned back + against the seat he turned pale and wiggled around and asked me if he + looked bad. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/057.jpg" + alt="Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants 057 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I told him he looked like a corpse, which encouraged him so he almost + fainted. He asked me if I had heard of any contagious diseases that were + prevalent in Virginia, 'cause he felt as though he had caught something. I + told him I would ask the conductor, so I went and asked the conductor what + time we got to Washington, and then I went back to dad and told him the + conductor said there was no disease of any particular account, except + smallpox and yellow fever, and that the first symptom of smallpox was a + prickling sensation in the small of the back. + </p> + <p> + Dad turned green and said he had got it all right, and I had the darndest + time getting him back to the hotel at Washington. Say, I had to help him + undress, and I took the horse chestnut and put it in the foot of the bed, + and got dad in, and I went downstairs to see a doctor, and then I came + back and told him the doctor said if the prickly sensation went to his + feet he was in no danger from smallpox, as it was an evidence that an old + vaccination of years ago had got in its work and knocked the disease out + of his system lengthwise, and when I told dad that he raised up in bed and + said he was saved, for ever since I went out of the room he had felt that + same dreaded prickling at work on his feet, and he was all right. + </p> + <p> + I told dad it was a narrow escape and that it ought to be a warning to + him. Dad has to wear a dress suit to dinner here and cough up money every + time he turns around, 'cause I have told the bell boys dad is a bonanza + copper king, and they are not doing a thing to dad. + </p> + <p> + O, I guess I am doing just as the doctors at home ordered, in keeping + dad's mind occupied. + </p> + <p> + Well, so long, old man, I have got to go to dinner with dad, and I am + going to order the dinner myself, dad said I could, and if I don't put him + into bankruptcy, you don't know your little + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria— + The Bad Boy Orders Dinner—The Old Man Gets Stuck—Tries to + Rescue a Countess in Distress. +</pre> + <p> + Waldorf-Astoria, New York.—Dear Uncle Ezra: We are still at this + tavern, but we don't do anything but sleep here, and stay around in the + lobby evenings to let people look at us, and dad wears that old + swallow-tail coat he had before the war, but he has got a new silk hat, + since we got here; one of these shiny ones that is so slick it makes his + clothes look offul bum. We about went broke on the first supper we had, or + dinner they call it here. You see, dad thought this was about a + three-dollar-a-day house, and that the meals were included, like they do + at Oshkosh, and so when we went down to dinner dad said we wouldn't do a + thing to old Astor. He let me order the dinner, but told me to order + everything on the bill-of-sale, because we wanted to get the worth of our + three dollars a day. Well, honest, I couldn't order all there was, 'cause + you couldn't have got it all on a billiard table. Say, that list they gave + me had everything on it that was ever et or drunk, but I told dad they + would fire us out if we ordered the whole prescription, so all I ordered + was terrapin, canvasback duck, oysters, clams, crabs, a lot of new kinds + of fish, and some beef and mutton, and turkey, and woodcock, and + partridge, and quail, and English pheasant, and lobster and salads and + ices, and pie and things, just to stay our stomachs, and when it came to + wine, dad weakened, because he didn't want to set a bad example to me, so + he ordered hard cider for hisself and asked me if I wanted anything to + drink, and I ordered brown pop. You'd a been tickled to see the waiter + when he took that order, 'cause I don't s'pose anybody ever ordered cider + and brown pop there since Astor skinned muskrats for a living, when he was + a trapper up north. Gosh, but when they brought that dinner in, you ought + to have seen the sensation it created. Most of the people in the great + dining hall looked at dad as though he was a Crases, or a Rockefeller, and + the head waiter bowed low to dad, and dad thought it was Astor, and dad + looked dignified and hurt at being spoken to by a common tavern keeper. + Well, we et and et, but we couldn't get away with hardly any of it, and + dad wanted to wrap some of the duck and lobsters and things in a newspaper + and take it to the room for a lunch, but the waiter wouldn't have it. But + the cyclone struck the house when dad and I got up to go out of the + dining-room, and the waiter brought dad the check. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/063.jpg" alt="The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “What is this?” said dad, as he put on his glasses and looked at the check + which was $43 and over. + </p> + <p> + “Dinner check, sir,” said the waiter, as he straightened back and held out + his hand. + </p> + <p> + “Why, ain't this house run on the American plan?” said dad, as his chin + began to tremble. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir, on the Irish plan,” said the waiter. “You pays for what you + horders,” and dad began to dig up. He looked at me as though I was to + blame, when he told me to order all there was in sight. Well, I have + witnessed heart-rending scenes, but I never saw anything that would draw + tears like dad digging down for that $43. The doctors at home had ordered + excitement for dad, but this seemed to be an overdose, and I was afraid he + would collapse and I offered him my glass of brown pop to stimulate him, + but he told me I could go plumb, and if I spoke to him again he would maul + me. He got his roll half out of his pistol pocket, and then talked loud + and said it was a damoutridge, and he wanted to see Astor himself before + he would allow himself to be held up by highwaymen, and then all the other + diners stood up and looked at dad, and a lot of waiters and bouncers + surrounded him, and then he pulled out the roll, and it was pitiful to see + him wet his trembling thumb on his trembling dry tongue and begin to peel + off the bills, like you peel the layers off an onion, but he got off + enough to pay for the dinner, gave the waiter half a dollar, and smiled a + sickly smile at the head waiter, and I led him out of the dining-room a + broken-down old man. As we got to the lobby, where the horse show of + dress-suit chappies was beginning the evening procession, I said to dad: + “Next time we will dine out, I guess,” and at that he rallied and seemed + to be able to take a joke, for he said: “We dined out this time. We dined + out $43,” and then we joined the procession of walkers around, and tried + to look prosperous, and after awhile dad called a bell boy, and asked him + if there wasn't a good dairy lunch counter near the Waldorf, where a man + could go and get a bowl of bread and milk, and the bell boy gave him the + address of a dairy lunch place, and I can see my finish, 'cause from this + out we will probably live on bread and milk while we are here, and I hate + bread and milk. + </p> + <p> + It got all around the hotel, about the expensive dinner dad ordered for + himself and the little heir to his estate, and everybody wanted to get + acquainted with dad and try to get some stock in his copper mine. I had + told dad about my telling the boys he was a bonanza copper miner, and he + never batted an eye when they asked him about his mine, and he looked the + part. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/067.jpg" alt="One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + One man wanted dad to cash a check, 'cause the bank was closed, and he was + a rich-looking duke, and dad was just going to get his roll out and peel + off some more onion, when I said: “Not on your tintype, Mr. Duke,” and dad + left his roll in his pocket, and the duke gave me a look as though he + wanted to choke me, and went away, saying: “There is Mr. Pierpont Morgan, + and I can get him to cash it.” I saved dad over a hundred dollars on that + scheme, and so we are making money every minute. We went to our room + early, so dad could digest his $43 worth of glad food. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but this house got ripped up the back before morning. You remember I + told you about a countess, or a duchess, or some kind of high-up female + that had a room next to our room. Well, she is a beaut, from Butte, Mont., + or Cuba, or somewhere, for she acts like a queen that has just stepped off + her throne for a good time. She has got a French maid that is a + peacharino. You know that horse chestnut, with the prickers on, that I put + in dad's pants at Washington. Well, I have still got it, and as it gets + dry the prickers are sharper than needles, sharper even than a servant's + tooth, as it says in the good book. I thought I would give dad a run for + his money, 'cause exercise and excitement are good for a man that dined + heartily on $43 worth of rich food, so when we went to our room I told dad + that I was satisfied from what a bell boy told me that the countess in the + next room, who had gold cords over her shoulders for suspenders, was stuck + on him, because she was always inquiring who the lovely old gentleman was + with the sweet little boy. Dad he got so interested that he forgot to cuss + me about ordering that dinner, and he said he had noticed her, and would + like real well to get acquainted with her, 'cause a man far away from + home, sick as a dog, with no loving wife to look after him, needed + cheerful company. So I told him I had it all arranged for him to meet her, + and then I went out in the hall, sort of whistling around, and the French + maid came out and broke some English for me, and we got real chummy, + 'cause she was anxious to learn English, and I wanted to learn some French + words; so she invited me into the room, and we sat on the sofa and + exchanged words quite awhile, until she was called to the telephone in the + other room. Say, you ought to have seen me. I jumped up and put my hand + inside the sheets of the bed, and put that chestnut in there, right about + the middle of the bed, and then, after learning French quite a spell, with + the maid, we heard the countess getting off' the elevator, and the maid + said I must skip, 'cause it was the countess' bed-time, and I went back + and told dad the whole thing was arranged for him to meet the countess, in + a half an hour or so, as she had to write a few letters to some kings and + dukes, and when she gave a little scream; as though she was practicing her + voice on an opera, or something, dad was to go and rap at the door. Gosh, + but I was sorry for dad, for he was so nervous and anxious for the half + hour to expire that he walked up and down the room, and looked at himself + in the mirror, and acted like he had indigestion. I had told the maid that + she and the countess must feel perfectly safe, if anything ever happened, + 'cause my dad was the bravest man in the world, and he would rush to the + rescue of the countess, if a burglar got in in the night, or the water + pipes busted, or anything, and all she had to do was to screech twice and + dad would be on deck, and she must open the door quicker-n scat, and she + thanked me, and said she would, and for me to come, too. Say, on the dead, + wasn't that a plot for an amateur to cook up? Well, sir, we had to wait so + long for the countess to get on the horse chestnut that I got nervous + myself, but after awhile there came a scream that would raise your hair, + and I told dad the countess was singing the opera. Dad said: “Hennery, + that ain't no opera, that's tragedy,” but she gave two or three more + stanzas, and I told dad he better hustle, and we went out in the hall and + rapped at the door of the countess' room, and the maid opened it, and told + us to send for a doctor and a policeman, 'cause the countess was having a + fit. Well, say, that was the worst ever. The countess had jumped out of + bed, and was pulling the lace curtains around her, but dad thought she was + crazy, and was going to jump out of the window, and he made a grab for + her, and he shouted to her to “be cam, be cam, poor woman, and I will + rescue you.” I tried to pacify the maid the best I knew how, and dad was + getting the countess calmer, but she evidently thought he was an assassin, + for every little while she would yell for help, and then the night + watchman came in with a house policeman, and one of them choked dad off, + and they asked the countess what the trouble was, and she said she had + just retired when she was stabbed about a hundred times in the small of + the back with a poniard, and she knew conspirators were assassinating her, + and she screamed, and this old bandit, meaning dad, came in, and the + little monkey, meaning me, had held his hand over her maid's mouth, so she + could not make any outcry. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/071.jpg" + alt="Night Watchman Came in With a House Policeman 071 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, I got my horse chestnut all right, out of the bed, and the policeman + told the countess not to be alarmed, and go back to bed, and they took dad + and I to our room, and asked us all about it. Gee, but dad put up a story + about hearing a woman scream in the next room, and, thinking only of the + duty of a gentleman under the circumstances, rushed to her rescue, and all + there was to it was that she must have had a nightmare, but he said if he + had it to do over again, he would do the same. Anyway, the policeman + believed dad, and they went off and left us, and we went to bed, but dad + said: “Hennery, you understand, I don't want to make any more female + acquaintances, see, among the crowned heads, and from this out we mingle + only with men. The idea of me going into a woman's room and finding a + Floradora with fits and tantrums, and me, a sick man. Now, don't write to + your ma about this, 'cause she never did have much confidence in me, + around women with fits.” So, Uncle Ezra, you must not let this get into + the papers, see? + </p> + <p> + Well, we have bought our tickets for Liverpool, and shall sail to-morrow, + and while you are making up your cash account Saturday night, we shall be + on the ocean. I s'pose I will write you on the boat, if they will tie it + up somewhere so it will stand level. Your dear boy. Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages— + His Dad Has an Argument Over a Steamer Chair. +</pre> + <p> + On Board the Lucinia, Mid-ocean. + </p> + <p> + Dear Old Geezer. + </p> + <p> + I take the first opportunity, since leaving New York, to write you, 'cause + the boat, after three days out, has got settled down so it runs level, and + I can write without wrapping my legs around the table legs, to hold me + down. I have tried a dozen times to write, but the sea was so rough that + part of the time the table was on top of me and part of the time I was on + top, and I was so sick I seem to have lost my mind, over the rail, with + the other things supposed to be inside of me. O, old man, you think you + know what seasickness is, 'cause you told me once about crossing Lake + Michigan on a peach boat, but lake sickness is easy compared with the + ocean malady. I could enjoy common seasickness and think it was a picnic, + but this salt water sickness takes the cake. I am sorry for dad, because + he holds more than I do, and he is so slow about giving up meals that he + has paid for, that it takes him longer to commune with nature, and he + groans so, and swears some. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/074.jpg" + alt="I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More Than I Do 074 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I don't see how a person can swear when he is seasick on the ocean, with + no sure thing that he will ever see land again, and a good prospect of + going to the bottom, where you got to die in the arms of a devil fish, + with a shark biting pieces out of your tender loin and a smoked halibut + waiting around for his share of your corpse, and whales blowing syphons of + water and kicking because they are so big that they can't get at you to + chew cuds of human gum, and porpoises combing your damp hair with their + fine tooth comb fins, and sword fish and sawtooth piscatorial carpenters + sawing off steaks. Gee, but it makes me crawl. I once saw a dead dog in + the river, with bull heads and dog-fish ripping him up the back, and I + keep thinking I had rather be that dog, in a nice river at home, with + bullheads that I knew chewing me at their leisure, than to be a dead boy + miles down in the ocean, with strange fish and sea serpents quarreling + over the tender pieces in me. A man told me that if you smoke cigarets and + get saturated with nickoteen, and you are drownded, the fish will smell of + you, and turn up their noses and go away and leave your remains, so I + tried a cigaret, and, gosh, but I had rather be et by fish than smoke + another, on an ocean steamer. It only added to my sickness, and I had + enough before. I prayed some, when the boat stood on its head and piled us + all up in the front end, but a chair struck me on the place where + Fitzsimmons hit Corbett, and knocked the prayer all out of me, and when + the boat stood on her butt end and we all slid back the whole length of + the cabin, and I brought up under the piano, I tried to sing a hymn, such + as I used to in the 'Piscopal choir, before my voice changed, but the + passengers who were alive yelled for some one to choke me, and I didn't + sing any more. Dad was in the stateroom when we were rolling back and + forth in the cabin, and between sicknesses he came out to catch me and + take me into the stateroom, but he got the rolling habit, too, and he + rolled a match with an actress who was voyaging for her health, and they + got offully mixed up. He tried to rescue her, and grabbed hold of her belt + and was reeling her in all right, when a man who said he was her husband + took dad by the neck and said he must keep his hands off or get another + nose put on beside the one he had, and then they all rolled under a sofa, + and how it came out I don't know, but the next morning dad's eye was + blacked, and the fellow who said he was her husband had his front teeth + knocked out, and the actress lost her back hair and had to wear a silk + handkerchief tied around her head the rest of the trip, and she looked + like a hired girl who has been out to a saloon dance. + </p> + <p> + The trouble with dad is that he butts in too much. He thinks he is the + whole thing and thinks every crowd he sees is a demonstration for him. + When the steamer left New York, there were hundreds of people on the dock + to see friends off, and they had flowers to present to Unfriends, and dad + thought they were all for him, and he reached for every bunch of roses + that was brought aboard, and was going to return thanks for them, when + they were jerked away from him, and he looked hurt. When the gang plank + was pulled in, and the boat began to wheeze, and grunt, and move away from + the dock, and dad saw the crowd waving handkerchiefs and laughing, and + saying <i>bon voyage</i>, he thought they were doing it all for him, and + he started in to make a speech, thanking his fellow countrymen for coming + to see him off, and promising them that he would prove a true + representative of his beloved country in his travels abroad, and that he + would be true to the stars and stripes wherever fortune might place him, + and all that rot, when the boat got so far away they could not hear him, + and then he came off his perch, and said, “Hennery, that little impromptu + demonstration to your father, on the eve of his departure from his native + land, perhaps never to return, ought to be a deep and lasting lesson to + you, and to show you that the estimation in which I am held by our people, + is worth millions to you, and you can point with pride to your father.” I + said “rats” and dad said he wouldn't wonder if the boat was full of rats, + and then we stood on deck, and watched the objects of interest down the + bay. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/078.jpg" + alt="A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen 078 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + As we passed the statue of Liberty, which France gave to the republic, on + Bedloe's Island, dad started to make a speech to the passengers, but one + of the officers of the boat told dad this was no democratic caucus, and + that choked him off, but he was loaded for a speech, and I knew it was + only a matter of time when he would have to fire it off, but I thought + when we got outside the bar, into the ocean, his speech would come up with + the rest of the stuff, and I guess it did, for after he began to be sea + sick he had to keep his mouth shut, which was a great relief to me, for I + felt that he would say something that would get this country in trouble + with other nations, as there were lots of foreigners on board. I heard + that J. Pierpont Morgan was on board, and I told everybody I got in + conversation with that dad was Pierpont Morgan, and when people began to + call him Mr. Morgan, I told dad the passengers thought he was Morgan; the + great financier, and it tickled dad, and he never denied it. Anyway, the + captain put dad and I at his own table, and he called me “Little Pierp,” + and everybody discussed great financial questions with dad, and everything + would have been lovely the whole trip, only Morgan came amongst us after + he had been sea sick for three days, and they gave him a seat opposite us, + and with two Morgans at the same table it was a good deal like two Uncle + Tom's in an Uncle Tom's Cabin show, so dad had to stay in his stateroom on + account of sickness, a good deal. Then dad got to walking on deck and + flirting with the female passengers. Say, did you ever see an old man who + was stuck on hisself, and thought that every woman who looked at him, from + curiosity, or because he had a wart on his neck, and watch him get busy + making 'em believe he is a young and kitteny thing, who is irresistible? + Gee, but it makes me tired. No man can mash, and make eyes, and have a + love scene, when he has to go to the rail every few minutes and hump + hisself with something in him that is knocking at the door of his palate, + to come out the same way it went in. Dad found a widow woman who looked + back at him kind of sassy, when he braced up to her, and when the ship + rolled and side-stepped, he took hold of her arm to steady her, and she + said maybe they better sit down on deck and talk it over, so dad found a + couple of steamer chairs that were not in use, and they sat down near + together, and dad took hold of her hand to see if she was nervous, and he + told me I could go any play mumbletypeg in the cabin, and I went in the + cabin and looked out of the window at dad and the widow. Say, you wouldn't + think two chairs could get so close, and dad was sure love sick, and so + was she. The difference between love sick and sea sick is that in love + sick you look red in the face and snuggle up, and squeeze hands, and look + fondly, and swallow your emotion, and try to wait patiently until it is + dark enough so the spectators won't notice anything, and in sea sickness + you get pale in the face, and spread apart, and let go of hands, and after + you have stood it as long as you can you rush to the rail and act as + though you were going to jump overboard, and then stop sudden and + let-'er-go-gallagher, right before folks, and after it is over you try to + look as though you had enjoyed it. I will say this much for dad, he and + the widow never played a duet over the rail, but they took turns, and dad + held her as tenderly as though they were engaged, and when he got her back + to the steamer chair he stroked her face and put camphor to her nose, and + acted like an undertaker that wasn't going to let the remains get away + from him. They were having a nice convalescent time, just afore it broke + up, and hadn't either of them been sick for ten minutes, and dad had put + his arm around her shoulders, and was talking cunning to her, and she was + looking lovingly into dad's eyes, and they were talking of meeting again + in France in a few weeks, where she was going to rent a villa, and dad was + saying he would be there with both feet, when I opened the window and + said, “The steward is bringing around a lunch, and I have ordered two + boiled pork sandwiches for you two easy marks.” Well, you'd a dide to see + 'em jump. What there is about the idea of fat pork that makes people who + are sea sick have a relapse, I don't know, but the woman grabbed her + stum-mix in both hands and left dad and rushed into the cabin yelling + “enough,” or something like that, and dad laid right back in the chair and + blatted like a calf, and said he would kill me dead when we got ashore. + Just then an Englishman came along and told dad he better get up out of + his chair, and dad said whose chair you talking about, and the man said + the chair was his, and if dad didn't get out of it, he would kick him in + the pants, and dad said he hadn't had a good chance at an Englishman since + the Revolutionary war, and he just wanted a chance to clean up enough + Englishmen for a mess, and dad got up and stood at “attention,” and the + Englishman squared off like a prize fighter, and they were just going to + fight the battle of Bunker Hill over again, when I run up to an officer + with gold lace on his coat and lemon pie on his whiskers, and told him an + old crazy Yankee out on deck was going to murder a poor sea sick + Englishman, and the officer rushed out and took dad by the coat collar and + made him quit, and when he found what the quarrel was about, he told dad + all the chairs were private property belonging to the passengers, and for + him to keep out of them, and he apologized to the Englishman and they went + into the saloon and settled it with high balls, and dad beat the + Englishman by drinking two high balls to his one. Then dad set into a + poker game, with ten cents ante, and no limit, and they played along for a + while until dad got four jacks, and he bet five dollars, and a Frenchman + raised him five thousand dollars, and dad laid down his hand and said the + game was too rich for his blood, and when he reached in his vest pocket + for money to pay for his poker chips he found that his roll was gone, and + he said he would leave his watch for security until he could go to his + state room and get some money, and then he found that his watch had been + pinched, and the Englishman said he would be good for it, and dad came out + in the cabin and wanted me to help him find the widow, cause he said when + she laid her head on his shoulder, to recover from her sickness, he felt a + fumbling around his vest, but he thought it was nothing but his stomach + wiggling to get ready for another engagement, but now he knew she had + robbed him. Say, dad and I looked all over that boat for the widow, but + she simply had evaporated. But land is in sight, and we shall land at + Liverpool this afternoon, and dad is going to lay for the widow at the + gang plank, and he won't do a thing to her. I guess not. Well, you will + hear from me in London next, and I'll tell you if dad got his money and + watch back. + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog—Call on Astor—A Dynamite + Outrage. +</pre> + <p> + London, England. + </p> + <p> + Dear Old Man: + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, if a court sentenced me to live in this town, I would appeal + the case, and ask the judge to temper his sentence with mercy, and hang + me. Say, the fog here is so thick you have to feel around like a blind + goddess, and when you show up through the fog you look about eighteen feet + high, and you are so wet you want to be run through a clothes wringer + every little while. For two days we never left the hotel, but looked out + of the windows waiting for the fog to go by, and watching the people swim + through it, without turning a hair. Dad was for going right to the Lord + Mayor and lodging a complaint, and demanding that the fog be cleared off, + so an American citizen could go about town and blow in his money, but I + told him he could be arrested for treason. He come mighty near being + arrested on the cars from Liverpool to London. When we got off the steamer + and tried to find the widow who robbed dad of his watch and roll of money, + but never found her, we were about the last passengers to reach the train, + and when we got ready to get on we found these English cars that open on + the sides, and they put you into a box stall with some other live stock, + and lock you in, and once in a while a guard opens the door to see if you + are dead from suffocation, or have been murdered by the other passengers. + Dad kicked on going in one of the kennels the first thing, and said he + wanted a parlor car; but the guard took dad by the pants and gave him a + shove, and tossed me in on top of dad, and two other passengers and a + woman in the compartment snickered, and dad wanted to fight all of 'em + except the woman, but he concluded to mash her. When the door closed clad + told the guard he would walk on his neck when the door opened, and that he + was not an entry in a dog show, and he wanted a kennel all to himself, and + asked for dog biscuit. Gee, but that guard was mad, and he gave dad a look + that started the train going. I whispered to dad to get out his revolver, + because the other passengers looked like hold up men, and he took his + revolver out of his satchel and put it in his pistol pocket, and looked + fierce, and the woman began to act faint, while the passengers seemed to + be preparing to jump on dad if he got violent. When the train stopped at + the first station I got out and told the guard that the old gentleman in + there was from Helena, Montana, and that he had a reputation from St. Paul + to Portland, and then I held up both hands the way train robbers make + passengers hold up their hands. When I went back in the car dad was + talking to the woman about her resembling a woman he used to know in the + states, and he was just going to ask her how long she had been so + beautiful, when the guard came to the side door and called the woman out + into another stall, and then one of the passengers pulled out a pair of + handcuffs and told dad he might as well surrender, because he was a + Scotland yard detective and had spotted dad as an American embezzler, and + if he drew that gun he had in his pocket there would be a dead Yankee in + about four minutes. Well, I thought dad had nerve before, but he beat the + band, right there. He unbuttoned his overcoat and put his finger on a + Grand Army button in his buttonhole, and said, “Gentlemen, I am an + American citizen, visiting the crowned heads of the old world, with + credentials from the President of the United States, and day after + tomorrow I have a date to meet your king, on official business that means + much to the future peace of our respective countries. Lay a hand on me and + you hang from the yard arm of an American battleship.” Well, sir, I have + seen a good many bluffs in my time, but I never saw the equal of that, for + the detective turned white, and apologized, and asked dad and I out to + luncheon at the next station, and we went and ate all there was, and when + the time was up the detective disappeared and dad had to pay for the + luncheon, but he kicked all the way to London, and the guard would not + listen to his complaints, but told him if he tried to hold up the train he + would be thrown out the window and run over by the train. We had the + compartment to ourselves the rest of the way to London, except about an + hour, when the guard shoved in a farmer who smelled like cows, and dad + tried to get in a quarrel with him, about English roast beef coming from + America, but the man didn't have his arguing clothes on, so dad began to + find fault with me, and the man told dad to let up on the kid or he would + punch his bloody 'ed off. That settled it, when the man dropped his “h,” + dad thought he was one of the nobility, and he got quite chummy with the + Englishman, and then we got to London, and dad had a quarrel about his + baggage, and after threatening to have a lot of fights he got his trunk on + the roof of a cab, and in about an hour we got to the hotel, and then the + fog began an engagement. If the fog here ever froze stiff, the town would + look like a piece of ice with fish frozen in. Gee, but I would like to + have it freeze in front of our hotel, so I could take an ax and go out and + chop a frozen girl out, and thaw her till she came to. + </p> + <p> + Say, old man, if anybody ever wants to treat you to a trip to Europe, + don't come here, but go to some place where they don't think they can + speak English. You can understand a Nitalian or a Frenchman, or a + Dutchman, who can't speak English, and knows he can't, better than you can + an Englishman who thinks he can speak English, and can't, “don't you + know.” Everything is “don't you know.” If a servant gives you an evening + paper, he says, “'Ere's your paiper, don't you know,” and if a man should—I + don't say they would, but if a man <i>should</i> give you a civil answer, + when you asked him the name of a street, he would look at you as though + you were a cannibal, and say, “Regent street, don't you know,” and then he + would act as though you had broken him of his rest. Dad asked more than a + dozen men where Bill Astor lived, and of all the population of London I + don't believe anybody knows, except one newsboy. We rode half a day on top + of a bus, through streets so crowded that the horses had to creep, and dad + hung on for fear the bus would be tipped over, and finally we got out into + the suburbs, where the rich people live, and dad said we were right on the + trail of King Edward, and we got off and loitered around, and dad saw a + beautiful place, with a big iron fence, and a gate as big as a railroad + bridge, and dad asked a newsboy who lived there, and the boy made up a + face at dad and said, “H'astor, you bloke,” and he put out his hand for a + tip. It was the first civil answer dad had received in London, so he gave + the boy a dollar. The boy fell over on the sidewalk, dead, and dad started + to go away for fear he would be arrested for murder, but I kicked the boy + on the pants, and he got up and yelled some kind of murdered English, and + more than a dozen newsboys came on a gallop, and when the boy told them + what had happened they all wanted dad to ask them questions. I told the + boys dad was Andrew Carnegie, and that he was giving away millions of + dollars, so when dad got to the gate of the beautiful H'astor place, the + boys yelled Andrew Carnegie, and a flunkey flunked the gate open and dad + and I went in, and walked up to the house. Astor was on the veranda, + smoking a Missouri corn cob pipe, and drinking American beer, and seemed + to be wishing he was back home in America. Dad marched right up to the + veranda, like a veteran soldier, and Astor could see dad was an American + by the dandruff on his coat collar, and Astor said, “You are an American + citizen and you are welcome. Once I was like you, and didn't care a + continental dam for anybody, but in a moment of passion I renounced my + country, swore allegiance to this blawsted country, and everybody hates me + here, and I don't dare go home to collect my rent for fear I will be + quarantined at Ellis Island and sent back to England as an undesirable + emigrant who has committed a crime, and is not welcome in the land where I + was born. Old man, have a glass of Milwaukee beer and let's talk of your + home and my birthplace, and forget that there is such a country as + England.” Dad sat down on the porch, and I went out on the lawn chasing + peacocks and treeing guinea hens, and setting dogs on the swans, until a + butler or a duke or something took me by the collar and shook me till my + teeth got loose, and he took me back to the veranda and sat me down on the + bottom step so hard my hair raised right up stiff, like a porcupine. Then + I listened to dad and Astor talk about America, and I never saw a man who + seemed to be so ashamed that he was a brevet Englishman, as he did. He + said he had so much money that it made his headache to hear the interest + accumulate, nights, when he couldn't sleep, and yet he had no more + enjoyment than Dreyfus did on Devil's Island. He had automobiles that + would fill our exposition building, horses and carriages by the score, but + he never enjoyed a ride about London, because only one person in ten + thousand knew him, and those who did looked upon him with pity and + contempt because he had renounced his country to get solid with the + English aristocracy, and nobody would speak to him unless they wanted to + borrow money, and if they did borrow money from him he was afraid they + would pay it back, and make him trouble counting it. He told dad he wanted + to get back into America, and become a citizen again of that grand old + country of the stars and stripes, and asked dad how he could do it, for he + said he had rather work in a slaughter house in America than be a grand + duke in England. I never saw dad look so sorry for a man as he did for + Astor, and he told him the only way was to sell out his ranch in London + and go back on an emigrant ship, take out his first papers, vote the + democratic ticket and eventually become a citizen. Astor was thinking over + the proposition, and dad had asked him if he was not afraid of dynamiters, + when he shuddered and said every day he expected to be blown sky high, and + finally he smelled something burning and said the smell reminded him of an + American 4th of July. You see, I had been sitting still on the step of the + veranda so long I got nervous, for something exciting, so I took a giant + firecracker out of my pocket and lit the long tail, and shoved it under + the porch and looked innocent, and just then one of the flunkies with the + tightest pants you ever saw came along and patted me on the head and said + I was a nice boy, and that made me mad, and when he went to sit down + beside me on the step I took my horse chestnut out of my pocket and put it + on the step just where he sat down, and how it happened to come out so I + don't know, it must have been Providence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/094.jpg" alt="Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + You see just as the flunkey flunked on the chestnut burr, the fire cracker + went off, and the man jumped up and said '“Ells-fire, h'am blowed,” and he + had his hands on his pants, and the air was full of smoke, and dad got on + his knees and said, “Now I lay me,” and Mr. Astor fainted all over a + rocking chair and tipped beer bottles on the veranda and more than forty + servants came, and I told dad to come on, and we got outside the gate, + ahead of the police, and got a cab and drove quicker than scat to the + hotel, and I ast dad what he thought it was that went off, and he said + “You can search me,” but he said he had got enough of trying to reform + escaped Americans, and we got in the hotel and laid low, and the + newspapers told about a dynamite outrage, and laid it to anarchists. Well + I must close, cause we are going to see the American minister and get a + date to meet King' Edward. We won't do a thing to Edward. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the + Whitechapel District—He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower + of London. +</pre> + <p> + London, England.—My Dear Chum: I received your letter yesterday, and + it made me homesick. Gee, but if I could be home there with you and go + down to the swimming hole and get in all over, and play tag in the sand, + and tie some boy's pants and shirt in knots, and yell that the police are + coming, and all grab our clothes under our arms and run across lots with + no clothes on, and get in a barn and put on our clothes, and dry our hair + by pounding it with a stick, so we would not get licked when we got home, + life would be worth living, but here all I do is to dodge people on the + streets and see them look cross when they step on me. + </p> + <p> + Say, boy, you will never know your luck in being a citizen of good old + America, instead of a subject of Great Britain, because you have got to be + rich or be hungry here, and if you are too rich you have got no appetite. + You have heard of the roast beef of old England, but nobody eats it but + the dukes and bankers. The working men never even saw a picture of a roast + beef, and yet we look upon all Englishmen as beef-eaters, but + three-fourths of the people in this town look hungry and discouraged, and + they never seem to know whether they are going to have any supper. + </p> + <p> + I went down to a market this morning where the middle class and the very + poor people buy their supplies, and it would make you sick to see them. + They buy small loaves of bread and a penny's worth of tea, and that is + breakfast, and if a man is working he takes some of the bread to work for + lunch, and the wife or mother buys a carrot or a quarter of a cabbage, and + maybe a bone with a piece of meat about as big as a fish bait, and that + makes supper, with a growler of beer. + </p> + <p> + Say, the chunk of meat with a bone that an American butcher would throw at + a dog that he had never been introduced to would be a banquet for a large + family over here. + </p> + <p> + I have been down into the White Chapel district, which is the Five Points + of London, and of the thousands of tough people I saw there was not a man + but looked as though he would cut your liver out for a shilling, and every + woman was drunk on gin. What there is about gin that makes it the national + beverage for bad people beats me, for it looks like water, tastes like + medicine and smells like cold storage eggs. At home when a person takes a + drink of beer or whisky he at least looks happy for a minute, and maybe he + laughs, but here nobody laughs unless somebody gets hurt, and that seems + to tickle everybody in the White Chapel district. + </p> + <p> + The people look mad and savage when they are not drinking, as though they + were only looking for an opportunity to commit murder, and then when they + take a drink of gin, instead of smiling and smacking their lips as though + it was good and braced them up, they look as though they had been stabbed + with a dirk and they put on a look of revenge, as though they would like + to wring a child's neck or cut holes in the people they meet. + </p> + <p> + Two drinks of gin makes a man or woman look as though they had swallowed a + buzz saw. I always thought drinking liquor made people think they were + enjoying themselves, or that they took it to drive away care and make them + forget their sorrows, but when these people drink gin they seem to do it + the way an American drinks carbolic acid, to end the whole business quick. + </p> + <p> + At home the drinker drinks to make him feel like he was at a picnic. Here + every drinker acts like a suicide, who only hopes that he may commit a + murder before the gin ends his career. And there are hundreds of thousands + of people in this town who have no ambition except to get a bit of bread + to sustain them till they can get a drink of gin, and gradually they let + up on bread entirely and feed on gin, and look like mad dogs and snarl at + everybody they see, as much as to say: “What are you going to do about + it?” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/101.jpg" alt="Snarl at Everybody They See 101 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + A good square American meal would give them a fit, and they would go to a + hospital and die if the meal could not be got out of them. + </p> + <p> + Gosh, but I was glad to get out of the White Chapel district, and I kept + looking back for fear one of the men or women would slit me up the back + with a butcher knife, and laugh like an insane asylum inmate. + </p> + <p> + Do you know, those people who drink gin and go hungry are different from + our American murderers. Our murderers will assault you with a smile, rob + you with a joke on their tongue's end, and give you back car fare when + they hold you up, and if they murder you they will do it easy and lay you + out with your hands across on your breast and notify the coroner, but your + White Chapel murderer wants to disembowel you and cut you up into chunks, + and throw your remains head first into something nasty, and if you have + money enough on your person to buy a bottle of gin your murderer is as + well satisfied as though he got a roll. Some men in our country commit + murders in order to get money to lay away so they can live a nice, + respectable life and be good ever afterwards, but your slum murderer in + London just kills because his stomach craves a drink, and when he gets it + he is tame, like a tiger that has eaten a native of India. + </p> + <p> + You may think this letter is a solemn occasion because I tell you about + things that are not funny, but if you ever traveled abroad you will find + that there is no fun anywhere except in America unless you make it or buy + it. + </p> + <p> + We are taking in the solemn things first in order to get dad's mind in a + condition so he can be cured of things he thinks ail him. I took dad to + the Tower of London, and when we got out of it he wanted to have America + interfere and have the confounded place burned down and grass sown on the + site and a park made of it. + </p> + <p> + The tower covers 13 acres of ground, and there are more things brought to + a visitor's attention that ought to be forgotten than you ever thought + about. + </p> + <p> + I remember attending the theater at home and seeing Richard the Third + played, and I remember how my sympathies were aroused for the two little + boy princes that were murdered by Richard the Third, but I thought it was + a fake play, and that there was nothing true about it, but, by gosh, it + was right here in the Tower of London that the old hump-backed cuss + murdered those little princes, and dad and I stood right on the spot, and + the beef-eater who showed us around told us all the particulars. Dad was + indignant, and said to the beef-eater: + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/098.jpg" + alt="Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those Princes 098 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Do you mean to tell me you stood around and let Richard kill those + princes without uttering a protest or protecting them or ringing for the + police? By the great hornspoon, you must have been accessory to the fact, + and you ought to be arrested and hung,” and dad pounded his cane on the + stone floor and looked savage. + </p> + <p> + The beef-eater got red in the face and said: “Begging your pardon, don't + you know, but h'l was not 'ere at the time. This 'istory was made six + 'undred years ago.” + </p> + <p> + Dad begged the man's pardon and told him he supposed the boys were + murdered a year or two ago, and he gave the beef-eater a dollar, and he + was so gratified I think he would have had a murder committed for dad + right there and then if dad had insisted on it. + </p> + <p> + You feel in going through the tower like you was in an American slaughter + house, for it was here that kings and queens were beheaded by the dozen. + They showed us axes that were used to behead people, and blocks that the + heads of the victims were laid on, and the places where the heads fell on + the floor. It seemed that in olden times when a king or a queen got too + gay, the anti-kings or queens would go to the palace and catch the king or + queen in the act, and take them by the neck and hustle them to the tower, + and when a king or queen got in the tower they went out on the installment + plan, and after being thrown in the gutter for the mob to recognize, and + walk on the bodies, they would bring them back in the tower, and seal them + up in a pigeon hole for future generations to cry over. + </p> + <p> + All my life I have had in our house to look at a picture of beautiful Anne + Boleyn, and here I stood right where her head was cut off, and I couldn't + help thinking of how we in America got our civilization from the + descendants of the English people who cut her head off. + </p> + <p> + By ginger, old chum, it made me hot. I didn't care to look at the old + armor, or the crown jewels, which make you think of a cut glass factory, + but I reveled in the scenes of the beheading. I never was stuck much on + kings and queens, but it seems to me if they had to murder them they ought + to have given 'em a show, and let them fight for their lives, instead of + getting into a trap, like you would entice a rat with cheese, and then cut + their heads off. + </p> + <p> + I suppose it is right here that we inherited the desire to lynch and burn + at the stake the negroes that commit crime and won't confess at home. When + anything is born in the blood you can't get rid of it without taking a + dose of patriotism and purifying the blood, and I advise you never to + visit the Tower of London, unless you want to feel like going out and + killing some one that is tied up with a rope. + </p> + <p> + Hearing of these murders and seeing the place where they were committed + does not give you an idea of fair play and you don't feel like taking some + one of your size when you fight, but you get to thinking that if you could + catch a cripple who couldn't defend himself you would like to take a + baseball club and maul the stuffing out of him. You become imbued with the + idea that if you went to war you would not want to stand up and fight + fair, but that you would like to get your enemy in a bunch and drop + dynamite down on him from a balloon, and kill all in sight, and sail away + with an insane laugh. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but another day in this tower, and I would want to go home and murder + ma, or the neighbors. + </p> + <p> + The only thing we have got in America that compares with the Tower of + London and its associates is the Leutgert sausage factory in Chicago, + where Leutgert got his wife into the factory, murdered her, and is alleged + to have cut her up in pieces and made sausage of the meat, given the + pieces with gristle in to his dogs, boiled the bones until they would run + into the sewer, dissolved the remnants in concentrated lye, and sold the + sausage to the lumber Jacks in the pine woods. + </p> + <p> + I expect Chicago will buy that sausage factory and make a show of it, as + London does the tower, and you can go and see it, and feel that you are as + full of modern history as I am of ancient history, here in London. + </p> + <p> + I could see that dad was getting nervous every time a new beheading was + described to us, and I thought it was time to wake him up. In going + through the room where the old armor was displayed the beef eater told us + who wore the different pieces of armor, and he said at times the spirit of + the dead came back to the tower and occupied the armor, and I noticed that + dad shied at some of the pieces of armor, so when we got right into the + midst of it, and there was armor on every side, and dad and the beef eater + were ahead of me, and dad was walking fast in order to get out quick, I + pushed over one of the pieces, and it went crashing to the floor and the + noise was like a boiler factory exploding, and the dust of centuries rose + up, and the noise echoed down the halls. + </p> + <p> + Well, you'd a died to see dad and the beef eater. Dad turned pale and got + down on his knees, and I think he began to pray, if he knows how, and he + trembled like a leaf, and the beef eater got behind a set of armor that + Cromwell or some old duck used to wear, and said, “Wot in the bloody 'ell + is the matter with the h'armor?” and then a lot of other beef eaters came, + and they thought dad was the spirit of King John, and they stampeded, and + finally I got dad to stop praying, or whatever it was that he was doing, + and I led him out, and when he got into the open air he recovered and + said. “'Ennery, 'hi have got to get out of Lunnon, don't you know, because + me 'eart is palpitating,” and we went back to the 'otel, to see if our + invitation to visit King Hedward had arrived. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/107.jpg" alt="Beefeater's Stampede 107 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Say, we are getting so we talk just like English coachmen, and you won't + hundredstand us when we get 'ome. Yours, with a haccent. + </p> + <p> + 'Ennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost + Settle the Irish Question. +</pre> + <p> + London, H-england.—Dear Uncle Ezra: The worst is over, and dad and I + have both touched a king. Not the way you think, touching a king for a + hand-out, or borrowing his loose change, the way you used to touch dad + when you had to pay for your goods, but just taking hold of his hand and + shaking it in good old United States fashion. + </p> + <p> + The American minister arranged it for us. He told somebody that Peck's Bad + Boy and his dad were in town, and just wanted to size up a king and see + how he averaged up with United States politicians, and the king set an + hour for us to call. + </p> + <p> + Well, you'd a dide to see dad fix up. Everybody said, when we showed our + card at the hotel, notifying us that we were expected at Marlboro House at + such a time, that we would be expected to put on plenty of dog. That is + what an American from Kalamazoo, who sells breakfast food, said, and the + hotel people said we would be obliged to wear knee breeches and dancing + pumps and silk socks, and all that kind of rot, and men's furnishers began + to call upon us to take our measure for clothes, but when they told us how + much it would cost, dad kicked. He said he had a golf suit he had made in + Oshkosh at the time of the tournament, that every one in Oshkosh said was + out of sight, and was good enough for any king, and so he rigged up in it, + and I hired a suit at a masquerade place, and dad hired a coat, kind of + red, to go with his golf pants and socks, and he wore canvas tennis shoes. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/111.jpg" alt="Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I looked like a picture out of a fourteenth century book, but dad looked + like a clown in a circus. One of dad's calves made him look as though he + had a milk leg, cause the padding would not stay around where the calf + ought to be, but worked around towards his shin. We went to Marlboro House + in a hansom cab, and all the way there the driver kept looking down from + the hurricane deck, through the scuttle hole, to see if we were there yet, + and he must have talked with other cab drivers in sign language about us, + for every driver kept along with us, looked at us and laughed, as though + we were a wild west show. + </p> + <p> + On the way to the king's residence it was all I could do to keep dad + braced up to go through the ordeal. He was brave enough before we got the + invitation, and told what he was going to say to the king, and you would + think he wasn't afraid of anybody, but when we got nearer to the house and + dad thought of going up to the throne and seeing a king in all his glory, + surrounded by his hundreds of lords and dukes and things, a crown on his + head, and an ermine cloak trimmed with red velvet, and a six-quart milk + pan full of diamonds, some of them as big as a chunk of alum, dad + weakened, and wanted to give the whole thing up and go to a matinee, but I + wouldn't have it, and told him if he didn't get into the king row now that + I would shake him right there in London and start in business as a Claude + Duval highwayman and hold up stage coaches, and be hung on Tyburn Tree, as + I used to read about in my history of Sixteen-String Jack and other + English highwaymen. Dad didn't want to see the family disgraced, so he let + the cabman drive on, but he said if we got out of this visit to royalty + alive, it was the last tommyrot he would indulge in. + </p> + <p> + Well, old man, it is like having an operation for appendicitis, you feel + better when you come out from under the influence of the chloroform and + the doctor shows you what they took out of you, and you feel that you are + going to live, unless you grow another vermiform appendix. We were driven + into a sort of Central park, and up to a building that was big as a lot of + exposition buildings, and the servants took us in charge and walked us + through long rooms covered with pictures as big as side show pictures at a + circus, but instead of snake charmers and snakes and wild men of Borneo + and sword swallowers, the king's pictures were about war, and women + without much clothes on from the belt up. Gosh, but some of those pictures + made you think you could hear the roar of battle and smell gun powder, and + dad acted as though he wanted to git right down on the marble floor and + dig a rifle pit big enough to git into. + </p> + <p> + They walked us around like they do when you are being initiated into a + secret society, only they didn't sing, “Here comes the Lobster,” and hit + you with a dried bladder. The servants that were conducting us laffed. I + had never seen an Englishman laff before, and it was the most interesting + thing I saw in London. Most Englishmen look sorry about something, as + though some dear friend died every day, and their faces seem to have grown + that way. So when they laff it seems as though the wrinkles would stay + there, unless they treated their faces with massage. They were laughing at + dad's dislocated calf, and his scared appearance, as though he was going + to receive the thirty-second degree, and didn't know whether they were + going to throw him over a precipice or pull him up to the roof by the hind + legs. We passed a big hall clock, and it struck just when we were near it, + and of all the “Hark, from the tombs” sounds I ever heard, that clock took + the cake. Dad thought it sounded like a death knell, and he would have + welcomed the turning in of a fire alarm as a sound that meant life + everlasting, beside that doleful sound. + </p> + <p> + After we had marched about three mile heats, and passed the chairs of the + noble grand and the senior warden, and the exalted ruler, we came to a + bronze door as big as the gate to a cemetery, and the grand conductor gave + us a few instructions about how to back out fifteen feet from the presence + of the king, when we were dismissed, and then he turned us over to a + little man who was a grand chambermaid, I understood the fellow to say. + The door opened, and we went in, and dad's misplaced calf was wobbling as + though he had locomotor attacks-ye. + </p> + <p> + Well, there were a dozen or so fellows standing around, and they all had + on some kind of uniforms, with gold badges on their breasts, and in the + midst of them was a little, sawed-off fat fellow, not taller than five + feet six, but a perfect picture of the cigar advertisements of America for + a cigar named after the king. I expected to see a king as big as Long John + Wentworth of Chicago, a great big fellow that could take a small man by + the collar and throw him over a house, and I felt hurt at the small size + of the king of Great Britain, but, gosh, he is just like a Yankee, when + you get the formality shook off. + </p> + <p> + We bowed and dad made a courtesy like an old woman, and the king came + forward with a smile that ought to be imitated by every Englishman. They + all imitate his clothes and his hats and his shoes, but he seems to be the + only Englishman that smiles. Maybe it is patented, and nobody has a right + to smile without paying a royalty, but the good-natured smile of King + Edward is worth more than stomach bitters, and the English ought to be + allowed to copy it. There is no more solemn thing than a party of + Englishmen together in America, unless it is a party of speculators that + are short on wheat, or a gathering of defeated politicians when the + election returns come in. But the king is as jolly as though he had not a + note coming due at the bank, and you would think he was a good, common + citizen, after working hours, at a round beer table, with two schooner + loads in the hold and another schooner on the way, frothing over the top + of the stein. That is the feeling I had for the king when he came up to us + and greeted dad as the father of the bad boy and patted me on the shoulder + and said: “And so you are the boy that has made more trouble than any boy + in the world, and had more fun than anybody, and made them all stand + around and wonder what was coming next. You're a wonder. Strange the + American people never thought of killing you.” I said yessir, and tried to + look innocent, and then the king told dad to sit down, and for me to come + and stand by his knee, and by ginger, when he patted me on the cheek, and + his soft hand squeezed my hand, and he looked into my eyes with the most + winning expression, I did not wonder that all the women were in love with + him, and that all Englishmen would die for him. + </p> + <p> + He asked dad all about America, its institutions, the president, and + everything, and dad was just so flustered that he couldn't say much, until + the king said something about the war between the States, in which the + southern states achieved a victory. I don't know whether the king said + that just to wake dad up, 'cause dad had a grand army button on his coat, + but dad choked up a little, and then began to explode, a little at a time, + like a bunch of firecrackers, and finally he went off all in a bunch. Dad + said: “Look a here, Mr. King, some one has got you all balled up about + that war. I know, because I was in it, and now the north and the south are + United, and can whip any country that wants to fight a champion, and will + go out and get a reputation, by gosh!” + </p> + <p> + The king laughed at touching dad off, and asked dad what was the matter of + America and Great Britain getting together and making all nations know + when they had better keep their places, and quit talking about fighting. + Dad said he never would consent to America and Great Britain getting + together to fight any country until Ireland got justice and was ready to + come into camp on an equality, and the king said he would answer for the + Irishmen of Ireland if dad would pledge the Irishmen of America, 'cause we + had about as many Irishmen in America as he had in Ireland, and dad said + if the king would give Ireland what she asked for, he would see that the + Irishmen in America would sing God Save the King. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0021" id="linkimage-0021"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/115.jpg" alt="Settling the Irish Question 115 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I guess dad and the king would have settled the Irish question in about + fifteen minutes, and signed a treaty, only a servant brought in a + two-quart bottle of champagne, and dad and the king hadn't drank a quart + apiece before dad started to sing “My Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of + Libertee,” and the king sang “God Save the King,” and, by thunder, it was + the same tune, and tears came into dad's eyes, and the king took out his + handkerchief and wiped his nose, and I bellered right out, and the king + rose and offered a toast to America and everybody in it, and they + swallered it, and dad said there was enough juice left in the bottle for + one more round, and he proposed a toast to all the people of Great + Britain, including the Irish and the king who loved them, and down she + went, and they were standing up. And I told dad it was time to go. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0022" id="linkimage-0022"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/119.jpg" alt="God Save the King 119 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Say, it was great, Uncle Ezra, and I wish you could have been there, and + there had been another bottle. The only thing that happened to mar the + reunion of dad and the king was when we were going out backwards, bowing. + There was a little hassock back of me, and I kicked it back of dad, and + when dad's heels struck it he went over backwards and struck on his golf + pants, and dad said: “El, 'Ennery, I'ave broken my bloomink back, but who + cares,” and when the servants picked dad up and took him out in the hall + and marched us to the entrance, dad got in the cab, gave the grand hailing + sign of distress, started to sing God save something or other, and went to + sleep in the cab, and I took him to the hotel. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0023" id="linkimage-0023"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/121.jpg" alt="He Went over Backwards 121 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen—They + Get a Taste of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story + of the Picklemaker's Daughter. +</pre> + <p> + London, England.—My Dear Old Skate: Well, if we are going to see any + of the other countries on this side of the water before our return ticket + expires, we have got to be getting a move on, and dad says in about a week + we will be doing stunts in Paris that will bring about a revolution, and + wind up the republic of France, and seat some nine-spot on the throne that + Napoleon used to wear out his buckskin pants on. + </p> + <p> + Dad asked me tother day what I cared most to see in London, and I told him + I wanted to visit Newgate prison, and the places made famous by the bold + highwaymen of a century or two ago. He thought I was daffy, but when I + told him how I had read “Claude Duval” and “Six-teen-String Jack” and all + the highway literature, in the haymow, when dad thought I was weeding the + garden, he confessed that he used to hunt those yellow covered books out + of the manger when I was not reading them, and that he had read them all + himself, when I thought he was studying for his campaign speeches, and so + he said he would go with me. So we visited Homestead Heath, where Claude + Duval used to ride “Black Bess,” and hold up people who traveled at night + in post chaises, and we found splendid spots where there had been more + highway robbery going on than any place east of Missouri, but I was + disgusted when I thought what chumps those old highway robbers were, + compared to the American highway robbers and hold up men of the present + day. + </p> + <p> + In Claude Duval's time he had a brace of flintlock pistols, which he had + to examine the priming every time a victim showed up, and while he was + polite when he robbed a duchess, he used to kill people all right, though + if they had had cameras at that time the flash from the priming pan would + have taken a flash-light picture of the robber, so he could have been + identified when he rode off in the night to a roadside inn and filled up + on beer, while he counted the ten shillings he had taken from the silk + purse of the victim. Why, one of our American gangs that hold up a train, + and get an express safe full of greenbacks, and shoots up a mess of + railroad hands and passengers with Winchesters and automatic pistols, and + blows up cars with dynamite and gets away and has to have a bookkeeper and + a cashier to keep their bank accounts straight, could give those old + Claude Duvals and Sixteen-String Jacks cards and spades. + </p> + <p> + But civilization, dad says, has done much for the highway robbery + business, and he says we in America have arrived at absolute perfection. + However, I was much interested in looking over the ground where my first + heroes lived and died, and did business, and when we went to the prisons + where they were confined, and were shown where Tyburn Tree stood, that so + many of them were hung on, tears came to my eyes at the thought that I was + on the sacred ground where my heroes croaked, and went to their deaths + with smiles on their faces, and polite to the last. The guard who showed + us around thought that dad and I were relatives of the deceased + highwaymen, and when we went away he said to dad: “Call again, Mr. Duval. + Always glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes. What line of + robbery are you in, Mr. Duval?” Dad was mad, but he told the guard he was + now on the stock exchange, and so we maintained the reputation of the + family. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0024" id="linkimage-0024"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/126.jpg" + alt="Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of The Heroes 126 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Then we hired horses and took a horse back ride through Rotten Row, where + everybody in London that has the price, rides a horse, and no carriages + are allowed. Dad was an old cavalry man forty years ago, and he is stuck + on his shape when he is on a horse, but he came near breaking up the horse + back parade the day we went for the ride. The liveryman gave us two + bob-tailed nags, a big one for dad and a small one for me, but they didn't + have any army saddle for dad, and he had to ride on one of these little + English saddles, such as jockeys ride races on, and dad is so big where he + sits on a saddle that you couldn't see the saddle, and I guess they gave + dad a hurdle jumper, because when we got right amongst the riders, men and + women, his horse began to act up, and some one yelled, “Tally-ho,” and + that is something about fox hunting, not a coach, and the horse jumped a + fence and dad rolled off over the bowsprit and went into a ditch of dirty + water. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0025" id="linkimage-0025"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/128.jpg" alt="Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The horse went off across a field, and the policeman fished dad out of the + ditch, and run him through a clothes wringer or something, and got him + dried out, and sent him to the hotel in an express wagon, and I rode my + horse back to the liveryman and told him what happened to dad, and they + locked me up in a box stall until somebody found the horse, 'cause they + thought dad was a horse thief, and they held me for ransom. But dad came + around before night and paid my ransom, and we were released. Dad says + Rotten Row is rotten, all right enough, and by ginger it is, 'cause he has + not got the smell of that ditch off his clothes yet. + </p> + <p> + Now he has got a new idea, and that is to go to some country where there + are bandits, different from the bandits here in London, and be captured + and taken to the mountain fastnesses, and held for ransom until our + government makes a fuss about it, and sends warships after-us. I tell dad + it would be just our luck to have our government fail to try to get us, + and the bandits might cut our heads off and stick them on a pole as a + warning to people not to travel unless they had a ransom concealed about + their clothes. But dad says he is out to see all the sights, and he is + going to be ransomed before he gets home, if it takes every dollar our + government has got. I think he is going to work the bandit racket when we + get to Turkey, but, by ginger, he can leave me at a convent, because I + don't want one of those crooked sabers run into me and turned around like + a corkscrew. Dad says I can stay in a harem while he goes to the mountains + with the bandits, and I don't know as I care, as they say a harem is the + most interesting place in Turkey. You know the pictures we have studied in + the old grocery, where a whole bunch of beautiful women are practicing + using soap in a marble bath. + </p> + <p> + Well, don't you say anything to ma about it, but dad has got his foot in + it clear up to the top button. It isn't anything scandalous, though there + is a woman at the bottom of it. You see, we used to know a girl that left + home to go out into the world and earn her own living. She elocuted some + at private parties and sanitariums, to entertain people that were daffy, + and were on the verge of getting permanent bats in their belfry, and after + a few years she got on the stage, and made a bunch of money, and went + abroad. And then she had married a titled person, and everybody supposed + she was a duchess, or a countess, and ma wanted us to inquire about her + when we got over here. Ma didn't want us to go and hunt her up to board + with her, or anything, but just to get a glimpse of high life, and see if + our poor little friend was doing herself proud in her new station in life. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0026" id="linkimage-0026"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/131.jpg" + alt="Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to Wad a Gun 131 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Gee, but dad found her, and she ain't any more of a duchess than I am. Her + husband is a younger son of a titled person, but there isn't money enough + in the whole family to wad a gun, and our poor girl is working in a shop, + or store, selling corsets to support a lazy, drunken husband and a whole + mess of children, and while she is seven removes from a duchess, she does + not rank with the woman who washes her mother's clothes at home. Gosh, but + dad was hot when he found her, and after she told him about her situation + in life he gave her a yellow-backed fifty-dollar bill, and came back to + the hotel mad, and wanted to pack up and go somewhere else, where he + didn't know any titled-persons. + </p> + <p> + That night a couple of dukes came around to the hotel to sell dad some + stock in a diamond mine in South Africa, and they got to talking about how + English society held over our crude American society, until dad got an + addition to the mad he had when he called on our girl, and when one of the + dukes said America was being helped socially by the marriage of American + women to titled persons, dad got a hot box, like a stalled freight train. + </p> + <p> + Says dad, says he: “You Johnnies are a lot of confidence men, who live + only to rope in rich American girls, so you can marry them and have their + dads lift the mortgages on your ancestral estates, and put on tin roofs in + place of the mortgages, 'cause a mortgage will not shed rain, and you get + their money and spend it on other women.” One of the dukes turned red like + a lobster, and I think he is a lobster, anyway, and he was going to make + dad stop talking, but the duke didn't know dad, and he continued. Says + dad, says he: “I know a rich old man in the States, who made ten million + dollars on pickles, or breakfast food, and he had a daughter that was so + homely they couldn't keep a clock going in the house. + </p> + <p> + “She came over here and got exposed to a duke, and she had never been + vaccinated, and the first her father knew she caught the duke, and came; + home, and he followed her. Say, he didn't know enough to pound sand, and + the old man got several doctors for her, but they couldn't break up the + duke fever, and finally the old pickle citizen asked him how much the + mortgage was, and how much they could live on, and he bought her the duke, + and sent them off, and the duke covered his castle with building paper, so + it would hold water, and they set up housekeeping with a hundred servants. + Then the duke wanted a racing stable, after the baby came, and the old + pickle man went over to see the baby, and it looked so much like the old + man that he invested in a racing stable, and the servants bowed low to the + old man and called him 'Your 'ighness,' and that settled the old pickle + person, and he fell into the trap of building a townhouse in London. + </p> + <p> + “Then he went home and made some more pickles, and the daughter cabled him + to come right over, as they had been invited to entertain the king and a + lot of other face cards in the pack. And the old man thought it would be + great to get in the king row himself, so he shoveled a lot of big bills + into some packing trunks and went over to fix up for the king. The castle + had to be redecorated for about six miles, up one corridor and down the + other, but Old Pickles stood the raise, because he thought it would be + worth the money to be on terms of intimacy with a king. + </p> + <p> + “Then when it was all ready, and the old man was going to stand at the + front door and welcome the king, they made him go to his room, back about + a half a mile in the rear of the castle, and for two weeks old Pickles had + his meals brought to his room, and when it was over, and his sentence had + expired, he was let out, and all he saw of the grand entertainment to the + crowned heads was a ravine full of empty wine bottles, a case of jimjams + for a son-in-law, a case of nervous prostration for a daughter, and + hydrophobia for himself. My old pickle friend has got, at this date, three + million good pickle dollars invested in your d—d island, and all he + has to show for it is a sick daughter, neglected by a featherhead of a + husband, who will only speak to old pickles when he wants more money, and + a grandchild that may die teething at any time. You are a nice lot of + ducks to talk to me about your English society being better than our + American civilization. You get,” and dad drove the dukes out. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0027" id="linkimage-0027"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/135.jpg" alt="Dad Drove the Dukes out 135 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I think they are going to have dad arrested for treason. But don't tell + ma, 'cause she may think treason serious. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bay Boy Writes About Paris—Tells About the Trip Across + the English Channel—Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested. +</pre> + <p> + Paris, France.—My Dear Uncle Ezra: Dad is in an awful state here, + and I do not know what to do with him. We struck this town all in a heap, + and the people seemed to be paralyzed so they couldn't speak, except to + make motions and make noises that we could not interpret. This is the + first time dad and I have been in a place where nobody understood our + language. Ordinarily we would take pleasure in teaching people to speak + the English language, but in coming across the English channel dad and I + both got something we never got on the water before. Ordinary seasickness + is only an incident, that makes you wish you were dead—just + temporary, but when it wears off you can enjoy your religion and victuals + as well as ever, but the seasickness that the English channel gives you is + a permanent investment, like government bonds that you cut coupons off of. + I 'spect we shall be sick always now, and worse every other day, like + chills and fever. + </p> + <p> + Say, a boat on the English channel does not roll, or pitch, at intervals, + like a boat on ordinary water, but it does stunts like a broncho that has + been poisoned by eating loco-weeds, and goes into the air and dives down + under, and shakes itself like a black bass with a hook in its mouth, and + rolls over like a trained dog, and sits up on its hind legs and begs, and + then walks on its fore paws, and seems to jump through hoops, and dig for + woodchucks, and all the time the water boils like 'pollinarius, full of + bubbles, and it gives you the hiccups to look at it, and it flows every + way at the same time, and the wind comes from the fourteen quarters at + once, and blows hot if you are too hot and want a cool breeze, and if you + are too cold, and want a warm breeze to keep you alive, it comes right + from the north pole, and you just perish in your tracks. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but it is awful. When you get seasick on an ordinary ocean, you know + where to locate the disease, and you know where to go for relief, and when + you have got relieved you know that you are alive, but an English channel + seasickness is as different from any other as an alcohol jag is different + from a champagne drunk. This English channel seasickness begins on your + toes, and you feel as though the toenails were being pulled out with + pincers, and the veins in your legs seem to explode, your arms wilt like + lettuce in front of a cheap grocery, your head seems to be struck with a + pile-driver and telescoped down into your spine, and your stomach feels as + though you had swallowed a telephone pole with all of the cross arms and + wires and glass insulators, and you wish lightning would strike you. Gosh, + but dad was hot when he found that he was sick that way, and when we got + ashore he wanted to kill the first man he met. + </p> + <p> + He thinks that it is a crime for a man not to understand the English + language, and when he tells what he wants, and the man he is talking to + shrugs his shoulders and laughs, and brings him something else, he wants + to pull his gun and begin to shoot up the town, and only for me he would + have killed people before this, but now he takes it out in scowling at + people who do not understand him. Dad seems to think that if he cannot + make a man understand what he says, all he has to do is to swear at the + man, but there is no universal language of profanity, so the more dad + swears the more the nervous Frenchman smiles, and acts polite. + </p> + <p> + I think the French people are the politest folks I ever knew. If a + Frenchman had to kick a person out of doors, he would wear a felt slipper, + and after he had kicked you he would place his hand on his heart, and bow, + and look so sorry, and hurt, that you would want to give him a tip. + </p> + <p> + O, but this tipping business is what is breaking dad's heart. I think if + the servants would arrange a syndicate to rob dad of two or three dol lars + a day, by pocket picking, or sneak thieving, he would overlook it, and say + that as long as it was one of the customs of the country we should have to + submit to it, but when he has paid his bill, with everything charged + extra, and the servants line up and look appealingly, or mad, as the case + may be, dad is the hardest man to loosen that ever was, but if they seem + to look the other way, and not, apparently, care whether they get a cent + or not, dad would go and hunt them up, and divide his roll with them. Dad + is not what you would call a “tight wad,” if you let him shed his money + normally, when he feels the loosening coming on, but you try to work him + by bowing and cringing, and his American spirit gets the better of him, + and he looks upon the servant as pretty low down. I have told him that the + tipping habit is just as bad in America as in France, but he says in + America the servant acts as though he never had such a thought as getting + a tip, and when you give him a quarter or other tip he looks puzzled, as + though he did not just recall what he had done to merit such treatment, + but finally puts the money in his pocket with an air as though he would + accept it in trust, to be given to some deserving person at the first + opportunity, and then he smiles, and gets away, and blows in the tip for + something wet and strong. + </p> + <p> + I told dad if he would just ignore the servants, as though he did not + understand that they expected a tip, that he would be all right, so when + we got ready to move from the hotel to private rooms dad never gave any + servant a tip. Well, I don't know what the servants did to our baggage, + but they must have marked it with a smallpox sign, or something, for + nobody would touch it for several hours, but finally a baggage man took it + and started for our apartments, and got lost and didn't show up for two + days, and when it was finally landed on the sidewalk nobody would carry it + upstairs, and dad and I had to lug it up two flights, and I thought dad + would have apoplexy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0028" id="linkimage-0028"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/143.jpg" alt="Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + We found a guide who could talk New Orleans English and he said it would + cost three dollars to square it with the servants at the hotel, and have + the boycott removed from our baggage, and dad paid it, and now he coughs + up a tip every time he sees a servant look at him. He pays when he goes in + a restaurant and when he comes out, and says he is cured of trying to + reform the customs of anybody else's country. + </p> + <p> + We have engaged a guide to stay with us day and night. The guide took us + out for a bat last night, and dad had the time of his life. Dad has drank + a good deal of spiritous and malt liquors in his time, but I don't think + he ever indulged much in champagne at three or four dollars a bottle at + home. Maybe he has been saving himself up till he got over here, where + champagne is cheap and it takes several quarts to make you see angels. The + guide took us to one of these bullyvards, where there are tables out on + the sidewalk, and you can eat and drink and look at the dukes and counts + and dutchesses and things promenading up and down, flirting like sin, and + we sat down to a table and ordered things to eat and drink, and dad looked + like Uncle Sam, and felt his oats. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0029" id="linkimage-0029"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/138.jpg" alt="A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + When he had drank a few thimblefuls of absinthe, and some champagne, and + eat a plateful of frogs, he was just ripe for trouble. A woman and a man + at an adjoining table had one of these white dogs that is sheared like a + hedge fence, with spots of long hair left on in places, and dad coaxed the + dog over to our table and began to feed him frogs' legs, and the woman + began to talk French out loud, and look cross at dad, and the count that + was with her came over to our table and looked at dad in a tone of voice + that meant trouble, and said something sassy, and the guide said the man + wanted to fight a duel because dad had contaminated the woman's dog, and + dad got mad and offered to wipe out the whole place, and he got up with a + champagne bottle and looked defiance at the count, and the waiters began + to scatter, when the woman came up to dad and begged him not to hurt the + count, and as she spoke broken English dad could understand her, and she + looked so beautiful, and her eyes were filled with tears, and dad relented + and said: “Don't cry, dear, I won't hurt the little runt.” She was so glad + dad was not going to kill the count that she threw herself into his arms + and thanked dear America for producing such a grand citizen, such a brave + man as dad, who could forego the pleasure of killing a poor, weak man who + had insulted him, particularly as dad's wild Indian ancestry made it hard + for him to refrain from blood. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0030" id="linkimage-0030"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/145.jpg" alt="I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, dad's face was a study, as he braced up and held that 150 pounds of + white meat in his arms, with all the people looking on, and he seemed + proud and heroic, and he stroked her hair and told her not to worry, and + finally she hied herself away from dad and the count took her away, and + they went up the bullyvard, and after all was quiet again dad said: + “Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. When you are tempted to commit a + rash act and avenge an insult in blood, stop and think of the sorrow and + shame that will come to you if you draw your gun too quick, and have a + widow on your hands as the result. Suppose I had killed that shrimp, the + face of his widow would have haunted me always, and I would have wanted to + die. Don't ever kill anybody, my boy, if you can settle a dispute by + shaking the dice.” + </p> + <p> + Well, dad ordered some more wine, and as he drank it, he allowed the + populace to admire him and say things about the great American + millionaire, who spent money like water and was too brave to fight. Then + dad called for his check to pay his bill, and when he felt in his pocket + for his roll of bills, he hadn't a nickel and the woman, when she was in + his arms, weeding with one hand, had gone through dad's pockets with the + other. Dad felt for his watch, to see what time it was, and his watch was + gone, and the waiter was waiting for the money and dad tried to explain + that he had been buncoed, and the head waiter came and begun to act sassy, + and then they called a policeman to stay by us till the money was + produced, and everybody at the other tables laughed, and dad turned blue, + and I thought he would have a fit. Finally, the guide began to talk, and + the result was that a policeman went home with us, and dad found money + enough to pay the bill, but he talked language that caused the landlady to + ask us to find a new place. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0031" id="linkimage-0031"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/148.jpg" + alt="Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed 148 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The next morning the guide showed up with an officer who had a warrant for + dad for hugging a woman in a public cafe, and it seemed as though we were + in for it, but the guide said he could settle the whole business by paying + the officer $20, and dad paid it and I think the guide and the officer + divided the money. Say, this is the greatest town we have struck yet for + excitement, and I guess dad will not have a chance to think of his + sickness. + </p> + <p> + This morning we went into a big department store, and, by gosh! we found + the count that dad was going to fight was a floor-walker, and the countess + was behind a counter selling soap. When dad saw the count leering at him, + he put his hand on his pistol pocket and yelled a regular cowboy yell, and + the count rushed down into the basement, the soap countess fainted, and + the police took dad to the police station, and all day the guide and I + have been trying to get him out on bail. If we get dad out of this we are + going to put a muzzle on him. Well, if anyone asks you if I am having much + of a time abroad, you can tell them the particulars. + </p> + <p> + P. S.—We got dad out for $20 and costs, and he says he will blow + Paris up before night. We are going up to the top of the Eiffel tower this + afternoon, to count our money, as dad dasscnt take out his pocketbook + anywhere on the ground for fear of being robbed. + </p> + <p> + Yours full of frogs. + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris—Dad Poses as a + Mormon Bishop and Has to Be Rescued—They Climb the Eiffel + Tower and the Old Man Gets Converted. +</pre> + <p> + Paris, France.—Old Pardner in Crime: I got your letter, telling me + about the political campaign that is raging at home, and when I read it to + dad he wanted to go right out and fill up on campaign whisky and yell for + his presidential candidate, but he couldn't find any whisky, so he has not + tried to carry any precincts of Paris for our standard-bearer. + </p> + <p> + There is something queer about the liquor here. There is no regular + campaign beverage. At home you can select a drink that is appropriate for + any stage of a campaign. When the nominations are first made you are not + excited and beer and cheese sandwiches seem to fit the case A little + later, when the orators begin to come out into the open and shake their + hair, you take cocktails and your eyes begin to resemble those of a caged + rat, and you are ready to quarrel with an opponent. The next stage in the + campaign is the whisky stage, and when you have got plenty of it the + campaign may be said to be open, and you wear black eyes and lose your + teeth, and you swear strange oaths and smell of kerosene, and only sleep + in the morning. Then election comes and if your side wins you drink all + kinds of things at once for a week, shout hoarsely and then go to the + Keeley cure, but if your party loses you stay home and take a course of + treatment for nervous prostration and say you will never mix up in another + campaign. + </p> + <p> + Here in France it is different. The people have nervous prostration to + start on, start a campaign on champagne, wind up on absinthe, and after + the votes are counted go to an insane asylum. I do not know what first got + dad to drink absinthe and I don't know what it is, but it looks like soap + suds, tastes like seed cookies and smells like vermifuge. But it gets + there just the same and the result of drinking it is about the same as the + result of drinking anything in France—it makes you want to hug + somebody. + </p> + <p> + At home when a man gets full of whisky, he wants to hug the man he drinks + with and weep on his collar, and then hit him on the head with a bottle; + but here every kind of drink puts the drinker in condition to want to hug. + Dad says he never knew he had a brain until he learned to drink absinthe, + but now he can close his eyes and see things worse than any mince pie + nightmare, and when we go out among people he never sees a man at all, but + when a woman passes along, dad's eyes begin to take turns winking at them + and it is all I can do to keep him from proposing marriage to every woman + he sees. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0032" id="linkimage-0032"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/153.jpg" + alt="Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word 'bishop' 153 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I thought I would break him of this woman foolishness, so I told everybody + dad was a Mormon bishop, and had a grand palace at Salt Lake City, and + owned millions of gold mines and tabernacles and wanted to marry a + thousand women and take them to Utah and place them at the head of homes + of their own, and he would just call once or twice a week and leave bags + of gold for his wives to spend. A newspaper reporter, that could talk + English, wrote a piece for a paper about dad wanting to marry a whole lot + and he said life in Utah was better than a Turkish harem, cause the wives + of a Mormon bishop did not have to be locked up and watched by unix, but + could flirt and blow in money and go out to dances and have just as much + fun as though they lived in Newport, and had got divorces from + millionaires, and he said any woman who wanted to marry a Mormon bishop + could meet dad on the bullyvard near a certain monument, on a certain day. + I was on to it, with the reporter, and we hired a carriage and went to the + bullyvard, just at the time the newspaper said and I put a big red badge + on dad's breast, with the word “Bishop” on it, and dad had been drinking + absinthe and he thought the badge was a kind of sign of nobility. Well, + you'd adide to see the bunch of women that were there to meet dad. “What's + the matter here?” said dad, as he saw the crowd of women, looking like + they were there in answer to an advertisement for nurses. I told dad to + stand up in the carriage, like Dowie does in Chicago, and hold out his + hands and say: “Bless you, my children,” and when dad got up to bless + them, the reporter and I got out of the carriage, and the reporter, which + could talk French, said for all the women who wanted to be Mormon wives to + get into the carriage with the bishop and be sealed for life. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, you'd a thought it was a remnant sale! More than a dozen got + into the carriage with dad, and about 400 couldn't get in, but when the + scared driver started up the horses, they all followed the carriage, and + then the mounted police surrounded the whole bunch and moved them off + towards the police station, and dad under the wagonload of females, each + one trying to get the nearest to him, so as to be his favorite wife. + </p> + <p> + It got noised around that a foreign potent-ate had been arrested with his + whole harem for conduct unbecoming to a potent-ate, and so when we got to + the jail dad had to be rescued from his wives, and they were driven into a + side street by the police, and dad was locked up to save his life. The + reporter and I went to the jail to get him out, but we had to buy a new + suit of clothes for him, as everything was torn off him in the Mormon + rush. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0033" id="linkimage-0033"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/155.jpg" + alt="Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail 155 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad was a sight when we found him in jail, and he thought his bones were + broken, and he wanted to know what was the cause of his sudden popularity + with the fair sex, and I told him it all came from his looking so + confounded distinguished, and his flirting with women. He said he would + swear he never looked at one of those women in a tone of voice that would + deceive a Sunday school teacher, and he felt as though he was being + misunderstood in France. We told him the only way to get out of jail was + to say he was a crowned head from Oshkosh, traveling incog, and when he + began to stand on his dignity and demand that a messenger be sent for the + president of France, to apologize for the treatment he had received, the + jailer and police begged his pardon and we dressed him up in his new + clothes and got him out, and we went to the Eiffel tower to get some fresh + air. + </p> + <p> + I suppose you have seen pictures of the Eiffel tower, on the + advertisements of breakfast food in your grocery, but you can form no idea + of the height and magnificence of the tower by studying advertisements. + You may think that the pictures you see of world events on your cans of + baked beans and maple syrup and soap, give you the benefit of foreign + travel, but it does not. You have got to see the real thing or you are not + fit to even talk about what you think you have seen. You remember that + Ferris wheel at the Chicago world's fair, and how we thought it was the + greatest thing ever made of steel, so high that it made us dizzy to look + to the top of it, and when we went up on the wheel we thought we could see + the world, from Alaska to South Africa, and we marveled at the work of man + and prayed that we be permitted to get down off that wheel alive, and not + be spilled down through the rarified Chicago atmosphere and flattened on + the pavement so thin we would have to be scraped up off the pavement with + a case knife, like a buckwheat cake that sticks to the griddle. + </p> + <p> + You remember, old man, how you cried when our sentence to ride in the + Ferris wheel expired, and the jailer of the wheel opened the cell and let + us out, and you said no one would ever get you to ride again on anything + that you couldn't jump out of if it balked, or you got wheels in your head + and chunks of things came up to your Adam's apple and choked you. Well, + cross my heart, if that Ferris wheel, that looked so big to us, would make + a main spring for the Eiffel tower. The tower is higher than a kite, and + when you get near it and try to look up to the top, you think it is a + joke, and that really no one actually goes up to the top of it. You see + some flies up around the top of it, and when the guide tells you the flies + crawling around there are men and women, you think the guide has been + drinking. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0034" id="linkimage-0034"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/157.jpg" + alt="Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and Women 157 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + But dad and I and the guide paid our money, got into an elevator and began + to go up. After the thing had been going up awhile dad said he wouldn't go + up more than a mile or so at first, and asked the man to let him off at + the 3,000-foot level, but the elevator man said dad had got to take all + the degrees and dad said: “Let her went,” and after an hour or so we got + to the top. + </p> + <p> + Gee! but I thought dad would fall dead right there, when he looked off at + Paris and the world beyond. The flies we had seen at the top before + starting had changed to human beings, all looking pale and scared, and the + human beings on the ground had changed into flies and bugs, for all you + could see of a man on the ground was his feet with a flattened plug hat + someway fastened on the ankles, and a woman looked like a spoonful of + raspberry jam dropped on the pavement, or a splash of current jelly moving + on the ground in a mysterious way. I do not know as the Eiffel tower was + intended to act as a Keeley cure, but of the 50 people who went up with + us, half of them were so full their back teeth were floating, including + dad and the guide, but when we got to the top and they got a view of the + awful height to which we had come, it seemed as though every man got sober + at once, and their tongues seemed to cleave to the roof of their mouths. + All they could do was to look off at the city and the view in the + distance, and choke up, and look sorry about something. + </p> + <p> + I couldn't help thinking of what sort of a pulp a man would be if he fell + off the top of the tower and struck a fat woman on the pavement, cause it + seemed to me you couldn't tell which was fat woman and which was man. I + never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad, after he got his + second wind and got his voice working. He looked like a man who had made + up his mind to lead a different life and begin right there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0035" id="linkimage-0035"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/159.jpg" alt="He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + There was a Salvation Army man and woman in the crowd and dad went up to + them. He took out a five-dollar bill and put it in the tambourine of the + lassie, and said to the man and woman: “Now, look a here, I want to join + your church, and if you have got the facilities for giving me the degrees, + you can sign me as a Christian right now. I have been a bad man, and never + thought I needed the benefits of religious training, but since I got up + here, so near Heaven, in an elevator which I will bet $10 will break and + kill us all before we get down to Paris, I want you to prepare me for the + hereafter quick.” + </p> + <p> + Some of the other fellows laughed at dad, and the Salvation Army people + looked as though dad was drunk, but he continued: “You can laugh and be + jammed, but I'll never leave this place until I am a pious man, and you + Salvation Army people have got to enlist me in your army, for I am scared + plum to death. Go ahead and convert me, while we wait.” The Salvation Army + captain put his hand on dad's head, the girl held out the tambourine for + another contribution, and dad felt a sweet peace come over him, and we + went down in the elevator and took a hack to the hotel, and dad's lips + worked as though in pain. + </p> + <p> + H. <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to + Break the Bank, But They Go Broke—The Party in Trouble. +</pre> + <p> + Monte Carlo.—Dear Uncle: I blush to write the name, Monte Carlo, at + the head of a letter to anyone that is a Christian, or who believes in + honesty and decency, and earning a living by the sweat of one's brow, for + this place is the limit. If I should write anybody a letter from South + Clark street, Chicago, the recipient would know I had gone wrong, and was + located in the midst of a bad element, and the inference would be that I + was the worst fakir, robber, hold-up man or assassin in the bunch. + </p> + <p> + The inference you must draw from the heading of this letter is that dad + and I have taken all the degree of badness and are now winding up our + career by taking the last degree, before passing in our chips and + committing suicide. Do you know what this place is, old man? Monaco is a + principality, about six miles square, ruled by a prince, and the whole + business of the country, for it is a “country” the same as though it had a + king, is gambling. They have all the different kinds of gambling, from + chuck-a-luck at two bits to roulette at a million dollars a minute. What + started dad to come to Monte Carlo is more than I know, unless it was a + new American he has got acquainted with, a fellow from North Dakota, that + dad met at a sort of dance that he did not take me to. It seems there is a + place in Paris where they go to see men and women dance—one of those + dances where they kick so high that their feet hit the gas fixtures. + </p> + <p> + Well, all I know about it is that one Wednesday night dad said he felt as + though it was his duty to go to prayer meeting, so he could say when he + got home that in all the frivolities of a trip abroad, even in wicked + Paris, he never neglected his church duties. I never was stuck on going to + prayer meeting, so dad let me stay at the hotel and play pool with the + cash register boy in the barroom, and dad took a hymn book and went out, + looking pious as I ever saw him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0036" id="linkimage-0036"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/164.jpg" + alt="Dance, Like They Had Seen the People Dance at The Show 164 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + My, what a difference there was in dad in the morning. I woke up about + daylight, and dad came into the room with a strange man, with spinach on + his chin, and they began to dance, like they had seen the people dance at + the show where they had passed the evening. They were undressed, except + their underclothes, which wore these combination suits, so when a man gets + into them he is sealed up like a bologna, and he has to have help when he + wants to get out to take a bath, and he has to have an outsider button him + in with a button hook. Gee, I would rather be a sausage and done with it! + Well, dad and this man from Dakota kicked high until dad caught by the + ankle on a gas bracket, and the strange man got me up out of bed to help + unloosen dad and get him down before he was black in the face. Finally we + got dad down and then the two old codgers began to discuss a proposition + to go to Monte Carlo to break the bank. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0037" id="linkimage-0037"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/162.jpg" alt="A System of Gambling 162 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The Dakota man agreed that Americans had no right to be spending their own + money doing Europe, when their genius was equal to the task of acquiring + the money of the less intelligent foreigners. He said they could go to + Monte Carlo and by a system of gambling which he had used successfully in + the Black Hills they could carry away all the money they could pile into + sacks. The man said he would guarantee to break the bank if dad would put + his money against the Dakota man's experience as a gambler, and they would + divide the proceeds equally. Dad bit like a bass. He said he had always + had an element of adventure in his make-up, and had always liked to take + chances, and from what he had heard of the fabulous sums won and lost at + Monte Carlo he could see that if a syndicate could be formed that would + win most of the time, he could see that there was more money in it than in + any manufacturing enterprise, and he was willing to finance the scheme. + </p> + <p> + The Dakota man fairly hugged dad, and he told dad in confidence that they + two could divide up money enough to make them richer than they ever + dreamed of, and all the morning they discussed the plan, and made a list + of things they would need to get away with the money. They provided + themselves with canvas sacks to carry away the gold, and dad drew all his + money out of the bank, and that evening we took a train for Monte Carlo. + All the way here dad and his new friend chuckled over the sensation they + would make among the gamblers, and I became real interested in the scheme. + There was to be some fun besides the winning of the money, because they + talked of going out in the park and on the terraces when they were tired + of winning money, and seeing the poor devils who had gone broke commit + suicide, as that is said to be one of the features of the place. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0038" id="linkimage-0038"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/166.jpg" + alt="Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke 166 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, we got a suite of rooms and the first day we looked over the place, + and ate free banquets and saw how the people dressed, and just looked + prosperous and showed money on the slightest provocation, and got the hang + of things. Dad was to go in the big gambling room in the afternoon with + his pockets fairly dropsical with money, and the Dakota man was to do the + betting, and dad was to hold one of the canvas bags, and when it was full + we were to take it to our room, and quit gambling for awhile, to give the + bank a chance to raise more money. Dad insisted that his partner should + lose a small bet once in awhile, so the bank should not get on to the fact + that we had a cinch. + </p> + <p> + After luncheon we entered the big gambling room, in full-dress suits, and, + by gosh! it was like a king's reception. There were hundreds of men and + women, dressed for a party, and it did not seem like a gambling hell, + except that there were, piles of gold as big as stoves, on all the tables, + and the guests were provided with silver rakes, with long handles, to rake + in the money. Dad said in a whisper to the Dakota man: “What is the use of + taking the trouble to run a gold mine, and get all dirtied up digging + dirty nuggets, when you can get nice, clean gold, all coined, ready to + spend, by betting right?” And then dad turned to me and he said; “Hennery, + don't let the sight of this wealth make you avaricious. Don't be + purse-proud when you find that your poor father, after years of struggle + against adversity, and the machinations of designing men, has got next to + the Pierpont Morgan class and has money to buy railroads. Don't get + excited when we begin to bag the money, but just act as though it was a + regular thing with us to salt down our gold for winter, the same as we do + our pork.” + </p> + <p> + A count, or a duke, gave us nice seats, and rakes to haul in the money; a + countess, with a low-necked dress, winked at dad when he reached into his + pistol pocket and brought out a roll of bills and handed them to the + Dakota man, who bought $500 worth of red chips, and when the man looked + the roulette table over and put about a pint of chips on the red, dad + choked up so he was almost black in the face, and began to perspire so I + had to wipe my face with a handkerchief; the gambler rolled the wheel and + when the ball stopped on the red, and dad did the raking and raked in a + quart of chips, and dad shook hands with the Dakota man and said: “Pard, + we have got 'em on the run,” and reached for his sack to put in the first + installment of acquired wealth, and the low-necked countess smiled a + ravishing smile on dad, and dad looked as though he owned a brewery, and + the Dakota man twisted his chin whiskers and acted like he was sorry for + the Monte Carlo bank, I just got so faint with joy that I almost cried. + </p> + <p> + To think we had skinned along as economically as possible all our lives, + and never made much money, and now, through this Dakota genius, and this + Monte Carlo opportunity, we had wealth raking in by the bushel, made me + feel great, and I wondered why more people had not found out this faraway + place, where people could become rich and prosperous in a day, if they had + the nerve. I tell you, old man, it was great, and I was going to cable you + to sell out your grocery for what you could get at forced sale and come + here with the money, gamble and become a millionaire. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0039" id="linkimage-0039"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/171.jpg" + alt="Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up Another Roll 171 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <hr /> + <p> + Monte Carlo (the next day).—My Dear Uncle Ezra: I do not know how to + write you the sequel to this tragedy. After our Dakota partner, with the + Black Hills system of beating a roulette game, had won the first bet, he + never guessed the right color again, and dad had no more use for the rake. + Every time he bet and lost, he would reach out to dad for more money, and + dad would reach into another pocket and dig up another roll, and the + countess would laugh and dad had to act as though he enjoyed losing money. + </p> + <p> + It was about dark when dad had fished up the last hundred dollars and it + was gone before dad could wink back to the countess, then the Dakota man + looked at dad for more, and dad shook his head and said it was all off, + and they looked it each other a minute, and then we all three got up and + went out in the park to see the people who had gone broke commit suicide, + but there was not a revolver shot and dad and the Dakota man sat down on a + seat and I looked at the moon. + </p> + <p> + He would reach out to Dad for more money, and Dad would reach into another + pocket and dig up another roll. + </p> + <p> + Dad looked at the Dakota man and said: “You started me in all right. What + happened to your system?” The Dakota man was silent for a moment, and then + he pointed to me and said: “That imp of yours crossed his fingers every + time I bet, except the first time.” Dad called me to him, and he said: + “Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. Never to cross your fingers. You + have ruined your dad,” and he turned his pockets inside out, and hadn't + change for a dollar note, and he gave me the empty sack to carry, and we + went to our suite of rooms, knowing we would be fired out into the cold + world. + </p> + <p> + It will take a week to get money from the states, and we may be sent to + the work house, as we are broke, and haven't got the means even to commit + suicide. Don't tell ma. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride—They Run + Over a Peasant—Climb “Glaziers”—Dad Falls Over a + Precipice, But Is Rescued by the Guides After a Hard Time + of It. +</pre> + <p> + Geneva, Switzerland.—My Dear Old Man: By ginger, but I would like to + be home now. I have had enough of foreign travel; I don't see what is the + use of traveling, to see people of foreign countries, when you can go to + any large city in America, and find more people belonging to any foreign + country than you can find by going to that country, and they know a + confounded sight more. Take the Russians in New York, the Norwegians of + Minnesota, the Italians of Chicago, and the Germans of Milwaukee, and they + can talk English, and you can find out all about their own countries by + talking with them, but you go to their countries and the natives don't + know that there is such a language as the United States language, and they + laugh at you when you ask questions. I am sick of the whole business, and + would give all I ever expect to be worth, to be home right now, with my + skates sharp. + </p> + <p> + I would like to open the door of your old grocery, and take one long + breath and die right there on the doorstep, rather than to live in luxury + in any foreign country. Do you know, I sometimes go into a grocery store + abroad, and smell around, in order to get my thoughts on dear old America, + but nothing abroad smells as the same thing does in our country. If I + could get one more smell of that keg of sauerkraut back of your counter, + when it is ripe enough to pick, I think I would break right down and cry + for joy. Of course I have smelled sauerkraut over here, but it all seems + new and tame compared to yours. It may be the kraut here is not aged + enough to be good, but yours is aged enough to vote and sticks to your + clothes. Gee, but I just ache to get into your grocery and eat things, and + smell smells, and then lay down on the counter with the cat with my head + on a pile of wrapping paper and go to sleep and wake up in America, an + American citizen, that no king or queen can tell to “hush up” and take off + my hat when I want my hat on. + </p> + <p> + You may wonder how we got out of Monte Carlo, when we had lost every cent + we had gambling. Well, we wondered about it all night, and had our + breakfast sent up to our room, and had it charged, expecting that when the + bill came in we would have to jump into the ocean, as we had no gun to + kill ourselves with. Just after breakfast a duke, or something, came to + our room, and dad said it was all off, and he called upon the Dakota man + to make a speech on politics, while dad and I skipped out. We thought the + duke, who was the manager of the hotel, would not understand the speech, + and would think we were great people, who had got stranded. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0040" id="linkimage-0040"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/175.jpg" alt="Started in on a Democratic Speech 175 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The Dakota man started in on a democratic speech that he used to deliver + in the campaign of '96, and in half an hour the duke held up his hands, + and the Dakota man let up on the speech. Then the duke took out a roll of + bills and said: “Ze shentlemen is what you call bust. Is it not so?” Dad + said he could bet his life it was so. Then the duke handed the roll of + bills to dad, and said it was a tribute from the prince of Monaco, and + that we were his guests, and when our stay was at an end, automobiles + would be furnished for us to go to Nice, where we could cable home for + funds, and be happy. + </p> + <p> + Well, when the duke left us, dad said: “Wouldn't that skin you?” and he + gave the Dakota man one of the bills to try on the bartender, and when he + found the money was good we ordered an automobile and skipped out for + Nice. The chauffeur could not understand English, so we talked over the + situation and decided that the only way to be looked upon as genuine + automobilists would be to wear goggles and look prosperous and mad at + everybody. We took turns looking mad at everybody we passed on the road, + and got it down so fine that people picked up rocks after we had-passed, + and threw them at us, and then we knew that we were succeeding in being + considered genuine, rich automobile tourists. + </p> + <p> + After we had succeeded for an hour or two in convincing the people that we + were properly heartless and purse proud, dad said the only thing we needed + to make the trip a success was to run over somebody. He said nearly all + the American automobile tourists in Europe had killed somebody and had + been obliged to settle and support a family or two in France or Italy, and + they were prouder of it than they would be if they endowed a university, + or built a church, and he said he trusted our chauffeur would not be too + careful in running through the country, but would at least cripple some + one. + </p> + <p> + Well, just before we got to Nice, and darkness was settling down on the + road, the chauffeur blew his horn, there was a scream that would raise + hair on Horace Greeley's head, the automobile stopped, and there was a + bundle of dusty old clothes, with an old woman done up in them, and we + jumped out and lifted her up, and there we were, the woman in a faint, the + peasants gathering around us with scythes and rakes and clubs, demanding + our lives. The bloody-faced woman was taken into a home, the crowd held + us, until finally a doctor came, and after examining the woman said she + might live, but it would be a tight squeeze. We wanted to go on, but we + didn't want to be cut open with a scythe, so finally a man, who said he + was the husband of the woman, came out with a gun, dad got down on his + knees and tried to say a prayer, the Dakota man held up both hands like it + was a stage being held up, and I cried. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0041" id="linkimage-0041"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/178.jpg" + alt="Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to Say a Prayer 178 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Finally the chauffeur said, in broken English, that the husband would + settle for $400, because he could pay the funeral expenses, get another + wife for half the money and have some thing left to lay up for Christmas. + As the man's gun was pointed at dad, he quit praying and gave up the money + and agreed to send $50 a month for 11 years, until the oldest child was of + age. + </p> + <p> + Well, we got away alive, got into Nice, and the chauffeur started back and + we cabled home for money to be sent to Geneva, Switzerland. But, say; you + have not heard the sequel. A story that has a sequel is always the best, + and I hope to die if the police of Nice didn't tell us that we were + buncoed by that old woman and that the chauffeur was in the scheme and got + part of dad's money. The way they do it is to wait till dark, and then + roll the woman in the dust and put some red ink on her face, and she + pretends to be run over, and the doctor is hired by the month, and they + average $500 a night, playing that game on automobile tourists from + America. After the woman is run over every night, and the money is + collected, and the victims have been allowed to go on their way, the whole + community gathers at the house of the injured woman and they have a + celebration and a dance, and probably our chauffeur got back to the house + that night in time to enjoy the celebration. I suppose thousands of + Americans are paying money for killing people that never got a scratch. + </p> + <p> + Say, we think in America that we have plenty of ways to rob the + tenderfoot, but they give us cards and spades and little casino and beat + us every time. Dad wanted to hire a hack and go back and finish that old + woman with an ax, because he said he had a corpse coming to him, but the + police told him he could be arrested for thinking murder, and that he was + a dangerous man, and that they would give him 12 hours to get out of + France, and so we bought tickets for Switzerland, though what we came here + for I don't know, only dad said it was a republic like America and he + wanted to breathe the free air of mountains in the home of the + Switzerkase. + </p> + <p> + Well, anybody can have Switzerland if they want it. I will sell my + interest cheap. The first three days we were here everybody wanted us to + go out on the lake, said to be the most beautiful lake in the world, and + we sailed on it, and rowed on it, and looked down into the clear water + where it is said you can see a corpse on the bottom of the lake 100 feet + down. We hadn't lost any corpse, except the corpse of that old woman we + run over at Nice, but we wanted to get the worth of our money, so we kept + looking for days, but the search for a corpse becomes tame after awhile, + and we gave it up. All we saw in the bottom of the lake was a cow, but no + man can weep properly over the remains of a cow, and dad said they could + go to the deuce with their corpses, and we just camped at the hotel till + our money came. Say, that lake they talk so much about is no better than + lakes all over Wisconsin, and there are no black bass or muskellunges in + it. + </p> + <p> + The tourists here are just daffy about climbing mountains and glaziers, + and they talk about it all the time, and I could see dad's finish. They + told him that no American that ever visited Switzerland would be + recognized when he got home if he had not climbed the glaziers, so dad + arranged for a trip up into the sky. We went 100 miles or so on the cars, + passing along valleys where all the cows wear tea bells, and it sounds + like chimes in the distance. It is beautiful in Switzerland, but the + cheese is something awful. A piece of native Swiss cheese would break up a + family. + </p> + <p> + At night we arrived at a station where we hired guides and clothes, and + things, and the next morning we started. Dad wanted me to stay at the + station a couple of days, while he was gone, and play with the goats, but + I told him if there were any places in the mountains or glaziers any more + dangerous than Paris or Monte Carlo, I wanted to visit them, so he let me + go. Well, we were rigged up for discovering the north pole, and had + alpenstocks to push ourselves up with, and the guides had ropes to pull us + up when we got to places where we couldn't climb. I could get along all + right, but they had dad on a rope most of the time pulling him until his + tongue run out and his face turned blue. But dad was game, and don't you + forget it. + </p> + <p> + Before noon we got on top of a glazier, which is the ice of a frozen + river, that moves all the time, sliding towards the sea. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0042" id="linkimage-0042"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/181.jpg" + alt="Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet 181 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + There was nothing but a hard winter, in summer, to the experience, and we + would have gone back the same night, only dad slipped down a crevice about + 100 feet with the rope on him, and the two guides couldn't pull him up, + and we had to send a lunch down to him on the rope and one of the guides + had to go back to the village for help to get dad up. Well, sir, I think + dad was nearer dead than he ever was before, but they sent down a bottle + of brandy, and when he drank some of it the snow began to melt and he was + warm enough to use bad language. + </p> + <p> + He yelled to me that this was the limit and wanted to know how long they + were going to keep him there. I yelled to him that one of the guides had + gone for help to pull him out, and he said for them to order a yoke of + oxen. I told him that probably he would have to remain there until spring + opened and that I was going back to America and leave him there, and he + better pray. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0043" id="linkimage-0043"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/183.jpg" + alt="Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened 183 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I don't know whether dad prayed, down there in the bowels of the + mountains, but he didn't pray when help came, and they finally hauled him + up. His breath was gone, but he gave those guides some language that would + set them to thinking if they could have understood him, and finally we + started down the mountain. They kept the rope on dad and every little + while he would slip and slide 100 feet or so down the mountain on his + pants, and the snow would go up his trousers legs clear to his collar, and + the exercise made him so hot that the steam came out of his clothes, and + he looked like a locomotive wrecked in a snow bank blowing off steam. + </p> + <p> + It became dark and I expected we would be killed, but before midnight we + got to the station and changed our clothes and paid off the guides and + took a train back. Dad said to me, as we got on the cars: “Now, Hennery, I + have done this glazier stunt, just to show you that a brave man, whatever + his age, is equal to anything they can propose in Europe, but by ginger, + this settles it, and now I want to go where things come easier. I am now + going to Turkey and see how the Turks worry along. Are you with me?” “You + bet your life,” says I. + </p> + <p> + Yours truly, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist—They Give Alms to the Beggars + and the Bad Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand + Canal. +</pre> + <p> + Venice, Italy.—My Dear Old Chumireno: Dad couldn't get out of + Switzerland quick enough after he got thawed out the day after we climbed + the glaziers. We found that almost all the tourists in Geneva were there + because they did not want to go home and say they had not visited + Switzerland, so they just jumped from one place to another. The people who + stay there any length of time are like the foreign residents of Mexico, + who are wanted for something they have done at home, that is against the + law. There are more anarchists in Geneva than anything else, and they look + hairy and wild eyed, and they plot to kill kings and drink beer out of two + quart jars. + </p> + <p> + When we found that more attention was paid to men suspected of crime in + their own countries, and men who were believed to be plotting to + assassinate kings, dad said it would be a good joke if a story should get + out that he was suspected of being connected with a syndicate that wanted + to assassinate some one, so I told a fellow that I got acquainted with + that the fussy old man that tried to ride a glazier without any saddle or + stirrup was wanted for attempting to blow up the president of the United + States by selling him baled hay soaked in a solution of dynamite and + nitro-glycerine. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0044" id="linkimage-0044"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/188.jpg" + alt="Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till Morning 188 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Say, they will believe anything in Switzerland. It wasn't two hours before + long-haired people were inviting dad to dinners, and the same night he was + taken to a den where a lot of anarchists were reveling, and dad reveled + till almost morning. When he came back to the hotel he said his hosts got + all the money he had with him, through some game he didn't understand, but + he under stood it was to go into a fund to support deserving anarchists + and dynamiters. He said when they found out he was a suspected assassin + nothing was too good for him. He said they wanted to know how he expected + to kill a president by soaking baled hay in explosives, and dad said it + came to him suddenly to tell them that the president rode on horseback a + good deal, and he thought if a horse was filled with baled hay, and + nitro-glycerine and the president spurred the horse and the horse jumped + in the air and came down kerchunk on an asphalt pavement, the horse would + explode, and when the rider came down covered with sausage covers and + horse meat, he would be dead, or would want to be. Dad said the anarchists + went into executive session and took up a collection to send a man to + Berlin to fill the emperor's saddle horse with cut feed like dad + suggested. + </p> + <p> + Well, the anarchist story was too much for Switzerland, and the next + morning dad was told by a policeman that he had to get out of the country + quick, and it didn't take us 15 minutes to pack up, and here we are in + Venice. + </p> + <p> + Well, say, old friend, this is the place where you ought to be, because + nobody works here, that is, nobody but gondoliers. We have been here + several days, and I have not seen a soul doing anything except begging, or + selling things that nobody seems to want. If anybody buys anything but + onions, it is for curiosity, or for souvenirs, and yet the whole + population sits around in the sun and watches the strangers from other + lands price things and go away without buying, and then everybody looks + mad, as though they would like to jab a knife into the stranger. The + plazas and the places near the canal are filled with hucksters and + beggars, and you never saw beggars so mutilated and sore and disgusting. I + never supposed human beings could be so deformed, without taking an ax to + them, and it is so pitiful to see them that you can't help shedding your + money. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0045" id="linkimage-0045"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/191.jpg" + alt="Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just Giving to Beggars 191 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + As hard hearted as dad is, he coughed up over $40 the first day, just + giving to beggars, and he thought he had got them all bought up, and that + they would let him alone, but the next day when he showed up there were + ten beggars where there was one the day before, and they followed him + everywhere, and all the loafers in the plazas laughed and acted as if they + would catch the cripples when dad got out of sight and rob the beggars. + Dad thinks the way the people live is by dividing with beggars. A man who + has a deformity, or a sore that you can see half a block away, seems to be + considered rich here, like a man in America who owns stock in great + corporations. These beggars pay more taxes than the dukes and things who + live in style. + </p> + <p> + I suppose dad never studied geography, so he didn't know how Venice was + situated, so he told me to go out and order a hack the first morning we + were here, and we would go and see the town. When I told dad there were no + hacks, no horses and no roads in Venice, he said I was crazy in my head + and wanted me to take some medicine and stay in bed for a few days, but I + convinced him, when we got outdoors, that everything run by water, and + when I showed him the canal and the gondolas, he remembered all about + Venice, and picked out a gondalier that looked like one dad saw at the + world's fair, and we hired him because he talked English. All the English + the gondolier could use were the words “you bet your life,” and “you're + dam right,” but dad took him because it seemed so homelike, and we have + been riding in gondolas every day. + </p> + <p> + On the water you can get away from the beggars. This is an ideal + existence. You just get in the gondola, under a canopy, and the gondolier + does the work, and you glide along between build ings and wonder who lives + there, and when they wake up, as all day long the blinds are closed, and + everybody seems to be dead. But at night, when the canals are lighted, and + the moon shines, the people put on their dress clothes and sit on + verandas, or eat and drink, and talk Eyetalian, and ride in gondolas, and + play guitars, and smoke cigarettes, and talk love. It is so warm you can + wear your summer pants, and the water smells of clams that died long ago. + It is just as though Chicago was flooded by the bursting of the sewers, + and people had to go around State street, and all the cross streets, and + Michigan avenue, in fishing boats, with three feet of water on top of the + pavements. Imagine the people of Chicago taking gondolas and riding along + the streets, landing at the stores and hotels, just as they do now from + carriages. + </p> + <p> + We had been riding in gondolas for two days, getting around in the mud + when the tide was out, and going to sleep and waiting for the tide to come + in, when it seemed to me that dad needed some excitement, and last night I + gave it to him. + </p> + <p> + We were out in our gondola, and the moon was shining, and the electric + lights made the canal near the Rialto bridge as light as day. The Rialto + bridge crosses the Grand canal, and has been the meeting place for lovers + for thousands of years. It is a grand structure, of carved marble, but it + wouldn't hold up a threshing machine engine half as well as an iron + bridge. Well, the canal was filled with thousands of gondolas, loaded with + the flower of Venetian society, and the music just made you want to fall + in love. Dad said if he didn't fall in love, or something, before morning, + he would quit the place. I made up my mind he should fall into something, + so I began by telling dad it seemed strange to me that nobody but + Eyetalians could run a gondola. Dad said he could run a gondola as well as + any foreigner, and I told him he couldn't run a gondola for shucks, and he + said he would show me, so he got out of the hen house where we were + seated, and went back on to the pointed end of the gondola, and grabbed + the pole or paddle from the gondolier, and said: “Now, Garibaldi, you go + inside the pup tent with Hennery, and let me punt this ark around awhile.” + </p> + <p> + Garibaldi thought dad was crazy, but he gave up the pole, and just then, + when they were both on the extreme point of the gondola, and she was + wabbling some, I peeked out through the curtains and thought the fruit was + about ripe enough to pick, so I threw myself over to one side of the + gondola, and, by gosh, if dad and Garibaldi didn't both go overboard with + a splash, and one yell in the English language, and one in Eye-talian, and + I rushed out of the cabin and such a sight you never saw. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0046" id="linkimage-0046"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/193.jpg" + alt="Overboard, One Yell in the English Language, One In Eye-talian 193 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad retained the paddle, and had his head out of water, but nothing showed + above the water, where Garibaldi was except a red patch on his black + pants. Dad was yelling for help, and finally the gondolier got his head + out of the water, and said something that sounded like grinding a butcher + knife on a grindstone, and I yelled, too, and the gondolas began to gather + around us, and the two men were rescued. The gondolier had been gondoling + all his life and he had never been in the water before, and they thought + it would strike in and kill him, so they wrapped him up in blankets and + put him aboard his canoe, and he looked at me as though I was to blame. + They got a boat hook fastened in dad's pants and landed him in the + gondola, and he dripped all the way to our hotel, and he smelled like a + fish market. + </p> + <p> + I asked Garibaldi, on the way to the hotel, if he was counting his beads + when he was down under the water with nothing but his pants out of the + water, and he said: “You're dam right,” but I don't think he knew the + meaning of the words, because he probably wouldn't swear in the presence + of death. Dad just sat and shivered all the way to the hotel, but when we + got to our room I asked him what his idea was in jumping overboard right + there before folks, with his best clothes on, and he said it was all + Garibaldi's fault, that just as dad was getting a good grip on the paddle, + the gondolier heaved a long sigh, and the onions in his breath paralyzed + dad so he fell overboard. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0047" id="linkimage-0047"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/197.jpg" + alt="Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do You 197 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Then you don't blame your little boy, do you?” says I, and dad looked at + me as he was hanging his wet shirt on a chair. “Course not; you were + asleep in the cabin. But say, if I ever hear that you did tip that + gondola, it will go hard with you,” but I just looked innocent, and dad + went on drying his shirt by a charcoal brazier and never suspected me. But + I am getting the worst of it, for dad and his clothes smell so much like a + clam bake that it makes me sick. + </p> + <p> + Well, old friend, you ought to close up your grocery and come over here + and go to Vesuvius and Pompeii with us, where we can dry our clothes by + the volcano, and dig in the city that was buried in hot ashes 2,000 years + ago. They say you can dig up mummies there that are dead ringers for you, + old man. + </p> + <p> + O, come on, and have fun with us. + </p> + <p> + Your friend, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes from Naples—Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls + the Servants to Put Out the Fire—They Have Trouble with a + “Dago” in Pompeii. +</pre> + <p> + Naples, Italy.—Dear Old Partner in Crime: Well, sir, we have struck + a place that reminds us of home, and your old grocery store. The day we + got here dad and I took a walk into the poorer districts, where they throw + all the slops and refuse in the streets, and where nobody ever seems to + clean up anything and burn it. The odor was something that you cannot + describe without a demonstration, and after we had turned pale and started + to go away, dad said the smell reminded him of something at home, and + finally he remembered your old grocery in the sauerkraut season, early in + the morning, before you had aired out the place. Your ears must have + burned when we were talking about you. + </p> + <p> + If you want to get an idea of Naples, at its worst, go down into your + cellar and round up all the codfish, onions, kraut, limburger cheese, + kerosene, rotten potatoes, and everything that is dead, put it all in a + bushel basket, and just before the Health officers come to pull your + place, get down on your knees and put your head down in the basket, and + let some one sit on your head all the forenoon, and you will have just + such a half day as dad and I had in the poor quarter of Naples, and it + will not cost you half as much as it did us, unless, after you have + enjoyed yourself in your cellar with your head in the basket, you decide + to have a run of sickness and hire a doctor who will charge you the price + of a trip to Europe. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, Naples is a dandy, in its clean part. The bay of Naples is a + dead ringer for Milwaukee bay, in shape and beauty, but Milwaukee lacks + Vesuvius and Pompeii, for suburbs, and she lacks the customary highwaymen + to hold you up. Every man, woman and child we have met makes a living out + of the tourists, and nobody that I have seen works at any other business. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0048" id="linkimage-0048"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/201.jpg" alt="Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + We woke up the first morning and dad looked out the window and saw + Vesuvius belching forth flame and lava and stone fences, and wanted to + turn in a fire alarm, but I told him that that fire had been raging ever + since the Christian era, and was not one of these incendiary barn + burnings, but he opened the window and yelled fire, and the porters and + chambermaids came running to our room, with buckets of water, and wanted + to know where the fire was. Dad pointed out of the window towards Vesuvius + and said: “Some hired girl has been starting a fire with kerosene, in that + shanty on the knoll out there, and the whole ranch will burn if you don't + turn out the fire department, you gosh blasted lazy devils. Get a move on + and help carry out the furniture.” + </p> + <p> + Well, they calmed dad, and then I had to go to work and post dad up on the + geography he had forgotten, and finally he remembered seeing a picture of + a volcano or burning mountain in his geography 50 years ago, but he told + me he never believed there was a volcano in the world, but that he always + thought they put those pictures in geographies to make them sell. How a + man can attain the prominence and position in the business world that dad + has, and not know any more than he does, is what beats me. + </p> + <p> + Of course, you know, having kept a grocery since the war, and having had + opportunities to study history, by the pictures on the soap boxes and + insurance calendars, that Nero, the Roman tyrant, after Rome was burned, + while he fiddled for a dance in a barn, got so accustomed to fire and + brimstone that he retired to Naples and touched off Vesuvius, just so he + could look at it. But Vesuvius, about 2,000 years ago, got to burning way + down in its bowels, and the fire got beyond control, and I suppose now the + fire is away down in the center of the earth, and you know when you get + down in the earth below the crust, on which we live and raise potatoes, + everything is melted, like iron in a foundry, and Vesuvius is the spigot + through which the fluid comes to the surface. You see, don't you? + </p> + <p> + Just imagine that this earth is a barrel of beer, which you can understand + better than anything else, and it is being shaken up by being hauled + around on wagons and cars, and is straining to get out, then a bartender + drives a spigot into the bung, turns the thumb piece, and the pent-up beer + comes out foaming and squirting, and there you are. + </p> + <p> + Instead of beer, Vesuvius is loaded with lava, that runs like molasses, + and when it is cold it is indigestible as a cold buckwheat cake, and you + can make it up into jewelry, that looks like maple sugar and smells like a + fire in a garbage crematory. Besides the lava there are stones as big as a + house that are thrown up by the sea-sickness of the earth, as it heaves + and pants, and then the ashes that come out of the crater at times would + make you think that what they need there is to have a chimney sweep go + down and brush out the flues. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0049" id="linkimage-0049"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/204.jpg" alt="Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + To get an idea of what a nuisance the ashes from the crater are to the + cities on the plain below, you remember the time you were out in your back + yard splitting boxes for kindling wood and my chum and I threw a pail of + ashes over the fence, and accidentally it went all over you, about four + inches thick. That time you got mad and threw cucumbers at us, when we ran + down the alley. Keep that in your mind and you can understand the + destruction of Pompeii, when Vesuvius, thousands of years ago, coughed up + hot ashes and covered the town 40 feet deep with hot stuff, and killed + every living thing, and petrified and preserved the whole business, and + made a prairie on top of a town, and everybody eventually forgot that + there had ever been a town there, for about 2,000 years. If my chum and I + had not run out of ashes we would have buried you so deep in your back + yard that you would have been petrified with your hatchet, and when they + excavated the premises a thousand years later they would have found your + remains and put you in a museum. + </p> + <p> + Well, a couple of hundred years ago a peasant was sinking a well down in + the ashes, and he struck a petrified barroom, with a bartender standing + behind the bar in the act of serving some whisky 2,000 years old, and the + peasant located a claim there, and the authorities took possession of the + prairie and have been digging the town out ever since, looking for more of + that 2,000-year-old whisky. + </p> + <p> + When I told dad about what they were finding at the ruins of Pompeii, and + how you were liable to find gold and diamonds and petrified women, he + wanted to go and dig in the ashes, as he said it would be more exciting + than raking over the dumping grounds in Chicago for tin cans and lumps of + coal, and so we hired a hack and went to the buried town, but dad insisted + on carrying an umbrella, so if Vesuvius belched any more ashes he could + protect himself. Gee, but from what I have seen at that old ruin, a man + would need an umbrella made of corrugated iron to keep from being buried. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0050" id="linkimage-0050"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/207.jpg" alt="Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, when we got to Pompeii dad was for going right where they were + digging, but I got him to look over the streets and houses that had been + uncovered first, and he was paralyzed to think that a town could be + covered with ashes all these thousands of years, and then be uncovered and + find a town that would compare, in many respects, with cities of the + present day, with residences complete with sculpture, paintings and cut + marble that would skin Chicago to a finish. + </p> + <p> + We went through residences that looked as rich as the Vanderbilt houses in + New York, baths that you could take a plunge and a swim in, if they had + the water, paintings that would take a premium at any horse show to-day, + pavements that would shame the pavements of London and Paris, and + petrified women that you couldn't tell from a low-necked party in + Washington, except that the ashes had eaten the clothes off. I guess most + of the people in Pompeii got away when the ashes began to rain down, for + they must have seen that it wasn't going to be a light shower, but a + deluge, 'cause they never have found many corpses. They must have run to + Naples, and maybe they are running yet, and you may see some of them at + your grocery, and if you do see anybody covered with ashes, looking for a + job, give them some crackers and cheese and charge it to dad, for they + must be hungry by this time. + </p> + <p> + Say, do you know that some of those refugees from Pompeii went off in such + a hurry that they left bread baking in the ovens, and meat cooking in the + pots? It seems the most wonderful thing to me of anything I ever saw. We + went all through the streets and houses and saw ballrooms that beat + anything in San Francisco, and when we went into a building occupied by + the officers in charge of the excavations, and dad saw a telephone and an + electric light, he thought those things had been dug up, too, and he + claimed that the men who were receiving millions of dollars in royalties + on telephones and electric lights were frauds who were infringing on + Pompeii patents 2,000 years old, and he wouldn't believe me when I told + him that telephones and electric lights were not dug up; he said then he + wouldn't believe anything was dug up, but that the whole thing was a + put-up job to rob tourists. But when we got to a locality where the dagoes + were digging the ashes away from a house and were uncovering a parlor, + where rich things were being discovered, he saw that it was all right. + </p> + <p> + I suppose I never ought to have played such a thing on dad, but I told him + that anybody who saw a thing first when it came out of the ashes could + grab it and keep it, and just as I told him a workman threw out a shovel + full of ashes, just as you would throw out dirt digging for angle worms, + and there was a little silver urn with a lot of coins in it, and you could + not hold dad. He grabbed for it, the workman grabbed for it, and they went + down together in the ashes, and the man rolled dad over and he was a + sight, but the workman got the silver urn, and dad wanted to fight. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0051" id="linkimage-0051"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/210.jpg" + alt="The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a Sight 210 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Finally a man with a uniform on came along and was going to arrest dad, + but they finally compromised by the man offering to sell the silver urn + and the gold coins to dad for a hundred dollars, if he would promise not + to open it up until he got out of Italy, and dad paid the money and + wrapped the urn up in a Chicago paper, and we took our hack and went back + to Naples on a gallop. + </p> + <p> + Dad could hardly wait till we got to the hotel before opening up his + prize, but he held out until we got to our room, when he unwrapped the urn + to count his ancient gold coins. Well, you'd a-died to see dad's face when + he opened that can. It was an old tomato can that had been wrought out + with a hammer so it looked like hammered silver, and when he emptied the + gold coins out on the table there was a lot of brass tags that looked like + dog license tags, and baggage checks and brass buttons. I had to throw + water on dad to bring him to, and then he swore he would kill the dago + that sold him the treasure from the ruins of Pompeii. It was a great blow + to dad, and he has bought a dirk knife to kill the dago. To-morrow we take + in Vesuvius, and when we come down from the crater we go to Pompeii and + kill the dago in his tracks. Dad may cause Vesuvius to belch again with + hot ashes, and cover the ruins of Pompeii, but if he can't turn on the + ashes, the knife will do the business. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius—A Chicago Lady Joins + the Party and Causes Trouble. +</pre> + <p> + Naples, Italy.—Siegnor ze Grocerino: I guess that will make you + stand without hitching for a little while. Say, I am getting so full of + dead languages, and foreign palaver, that I shall have to have an + operation on my tongue when I get home before I can speel the United + States language again so you can make head or tail of it. You see, I don't + stay long enough in a country to acquire its language, but I get a few + words into my system, so now my English is so mixed with French words, + Italian garlic and German throat trouble that I cannot understand myself + unless I look in a glass and watch the motions of my lips. Dad has not + picked up a word of any foreign language, and says he should consider + himself a traitor to his country if he tried to talk anything but English. + He did get so he could order a glass of beer by holding up his finger and + saying “ein,” but he found later that just holding up his finger without + saying “ein” would bring the beer all the same so he cut out the language + entirely and works his finger until it needs a rest. + </p> + <p> + When I used to study my geography at the little red schoolhouse, and look + at the picture of the volcano Vesuvius, and read about how it would throw + up red-hot lava, and ashes, and rocks as big as a house, and wipe out + cities, it looked so terrible to me that I was glad when we got through + with the volcano lesson, and got to Greenland's icy mountains, where there + was no danger except being frozen to death, or made sick by eating blubber + sliced off of whales. + </p> + <p> + Then I never expected to be right on the very top of that volcano, + throwing stones down in the lava, and sailing chips down the streams of + hot stuff, just as I sailed chips on ice water at home-when the streets + were flooded by spring rains. Say, there is no more danger on Vesuvius + than there is in a toboggan slide, or shooting the chutes at home. I + thought we would have to hire dagoes to carry us up to the top, and be + robbed and held up, and may be murdered, but it is just as easy as going + up in the elevator of a skyscraper, and no more terrifying than sitting on + a 50-cent seat in a baseball park at home and witnessing the “Destruction + of Pompeii” by a fireworks display + </p> + <p> + The crater looks sort of creepy, like a big cauldron kettle boiling soap + on a farm, only it is bigger, and down in the earth's bowels you can well + believe there is trouble, and if you believe in a hell, you can get it, + illustrated proper, but the rivulets of lava that flow out of the wrinkles + around the mouth of the crater are no more appalling than making fudges + over a gas stove. When the lava cools you would swear it was fudges, only + you can't eat the lava and get indigestion as you can eating fudges. + </p> + <p> + It was hard work to get dad to go up on the volcano, because he said he + knew he would fall into it, and get his clothes burned, and he said he + couldn't climb clear to the top, on account of his breath being short, but + when I told him he could ride up on a trolley car, and have the volcano + brought right to him, he weakened, and one morning we left Naples early + and before two hours had passed we were on a little cogwheel railroad + going up, and dad was looking down on the scenery, expecting every minute + the cogs would slip and we would cut loose and go down all in a heap and + be plastered all over the vineyards and big trees and be killed. + </p> + <p> + I don't know what makes dad so nervous, but he wanted a woman from + Chicago, who was on the car with us, to hold his hand all the way up, but + she said she was no nurse in a home for the aged, and she said she would + cuff dad if he didn't let go of her. I told her she better not get dad mad + if she knew what was good for her, for he was a regular Bluebeard, and + wouldn't take no slack from no Chicago female, 'cause he had buried nine + wives already. So she held his hand, and I guess she thinks she will be my + stepmother, but I bet she don't. + </p> + <p> + Well, after we got almost to the top the car stopped, and we had to walk + the rest of the way, several hundred feet, and we had to have a pusher and + a putter for dad, a dago to go ahead and pull him up, and another to put + his shoulder against dad's pants and shove. Gee, but it was a picture to + see dad “go up old baldhead,” with the dagoes perspiring and swearing at + dad for being so heavy, and the Chicago woman laughing, and me pushing her + up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0052" id="linkimage-0052"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/214.jpg" + alt="It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old Baldhead 214 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + One thing that scared dad was that every little way there was a shrine, + where the guides left dad lying on the ground, blocked with a piece of + cold lava, so he wouldn't roll down, like you would block a wagon wheel, + and they would go to the shrine and kneel and say some prayers. + </p> + <p> + Dad was afraid they were going to charge the prayers in the bill for + pushing him up, but I told dad that these people expected every time they, + went up to the top that it would be their last trip, as they knew that + some day the volcano would open in a new place and swallow them whole, + with all the tourists. Then he gave them a dollar apiece to pray for him, + and wanted to go back down the mountain and let Vesuvius run its own + fireworks, but the Chicago lady told dad to brace up and she would protect + him, and so the guides gave a few more pushes, and we were on top of the + volcano, and dad collapsed and had to be brought to with smelling salts + and whisky that the woman carried in her pistol pocket. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but it was worth all the trouble to get up the mountain, to see the + sight that opened up. The hole in the mountain filled with boiling stuff + was worth the price of admission, and the roaring of the boiling stuff, + and the explosions way down cellar, and the flying stones, the smoke going + into the air for a mile, like the burning of an oil well, the red-hot lava + finding crevices to leak through, and flowing down the side of the + mountain in streams like hot maple sirup, made a scene thai caused us to + take off our hats and thank the good Lord that the thing hadn't overflowed + enough to hurt us. But I could see dad was scared, 'cause when I wanted + him to go around the edge of the crater with me, and see the hell-roaring + free show from other points of view, and see where the hot ashes years ago + rolled down and covered Pompeii and Herculaneum, he balked and said he had + seen all he wanted to, and if he could stay alive until the next car went + down the mountain, they could all have his interest in Vesuvius, and be + darned to them, but he said if I wanted to go around looking for trouble, + he would stay there under a big rock, with the Chicago lady, and wait for + me to come back. She said she knew dad was all tired out, and needed rest, + and she would stay with him, and keep him cheered up; so I left them and + went off with one of the dagoes, to slide down hill on some flowing lava, + and pick up specimens. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, I wish I could get along some way without telling the rest of + this sad story, but if I am going to be a historian I have got to tell the + whole blame thing. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0053" id="linkimage-0053"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/217.jpg" alt="And She Was Stroking his Hair 217 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + When I left dad and the Chicago woman she had produced a lunch from + somewhere about her person, and a small bottle, and they were eating and + drinking, and dad was laughing more natural than I had seen him laugh + since we run over the old woman with the automobile at Nice, and she was + smiling on dad just as though she was his sweetheart. (As I went around + the crater, a couple of blocks away, I looked back and dad had laid his + head in her lap, and she was stroking his hair. ) + </p> + <p> + Well, I picked up specimens, burned the soles off my shoes wading in the + lava, and took in the volcano from all sides, and after an hour I went + back to where dad and the woman were lunching, but the woman was gone, and + dad acted as though he had been hit by an express train, his eyes were + wild, his collar was gone, his pocketbook was on the ground, empty, his + coat was gone, his scarf-pin had disappeared and the $11 watch he bought + when he was robbed the other time was missing, and dad's tongue was run + out, and he was yelling for water. I thought he had been trying to drink + some lava. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0054" id="linkimage-0054"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/223.jpg" alt="He Was Yelling for Water 223 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Dad, what in the world has happened to you?” said I, as I rushed up to + him. + </p> + <p> + “That woman has happened to me, that is all,” said dad, as he took a + swallow of water out of a canteen one of the dagoes had. + </p> + <p> + “Tell me about it, dad,” said I, trying to keep from laughing, when I saw + that he was not hurt. + </p> + <p> + “Say, let this be a lesson to you,” said dad, “and don't you steer another + woman to me on this trip. Do you know you hadn't more than got around that + big rock when she said she was tired and was going to faint, for the + altitude was too high for her, and I tried to soothe her, and she did look + pale, and, by gosh, I thought she was going to die on my hands, and I + would have to carry her corpse down the mountain. I heard a scuffling on + the rocks, and she looked up and saw a man not ten feet away, and she + said: 'Me husband!' and then she fainted and grabbed me around the neck, + and I couldn't get her loose. She just froze to me like a person drowning, + and that husband of hers, who had come up on the last car, hunting for his + wife, who had eloped, pulled a long blue gun and told me he would give me + five minutes to pray, and then he would kill me and throw my body down in + the creater, to sizzle.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0055" id="linkimage-0055"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/220.jpg" alt="Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I told him I could pay up enough ahead in three minutes, and he could + take all I had if he would loosen up his wife, and bring her to, and take + her away, and let me die all alone, and let the buzards eat me, uncooked. + He took the bet, pulled her arms away from my throat, took my money and + coat, brought her to, and said he was going to throw her into the crater, + but I told him she had certainly been good to me, and if he would spare + her life, and take her away in the cars, he could have my watch and + scarfpin, and he took them, and they went to the cars. + </p> + <p> + “She looked back at me with the saddest face I ever saw, and said: 'O, + sir, it is all a terrible dream, and I will see you in Naples, and explain + all,' and now, by Christmas, I want to go back to town and find her, and + rescue her from that jealous husband,” and dad got up and we started for + the car. + </p> + <p> + The man and his wife went down on the car ahead of us, and dad wouldn't + believe they were regular bunko people, who play that game everyday on + some old sucker, but the man that runs the car told me so. + </p> + <p> + I can be responsible for dad in everything except the women he meets. When + it comes to women, your little Hennery don't know the game at all. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children—Dad Is + Chased by Lions from the Coliseum—“Not Any More Rome for + Papa,” Says Dad. +</pre> + <p> + Rome, Italy.—My Dear Old “Pard:” Well, sir, if you could see me now, + you wouldn't know me, because foreign travel has broadened me out so I can + talk on any subject, and people of my age look upon me as an authority, + and they surround me everywhere I go and urge me to talk. The fact that + the boys and girls do not understand a word I say makes no difference. + They do not wear many clothes here, and there is no style about them, and + when they see me with a whole suit of clothes on, and a hat and shoes and + socks, and a scarf-pin on my necktie, they think I must be an Americano + that is too rich for any use, or something that ranks with a prince at + least, and the boys delight to be with me and do errands for me, and the + girls seem to be in love with me. + </p> + <p> + There is no way you can tell if a girl is in love with you, except that + she looks at you with eyes that are as black as coal, and they seem to + burn a hole right into your insides, and when they take hold of your hand + they hang on and squeeze like alamand-left in a dance at home, and they + snug up to you and are as warm and cheerful as a gas stove. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0056" id="linkimage-0056"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/227.jpg" alt="It Brought on a Revolution 227 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Say, I sat on a bench in a plaza with a girl about my age, for an hour, + while the other girls and boys sat on the ground and looked at us in + admiration, and when I put my arm around her and kissed her on her pouting + lips, it brought on a revolution. An Italian soldier policeman took me by + the neck and threw me across the street, the girl scratched me with her + finger nails and bit me, and yelled some grand hailing sign of distress, + her brother and a ragged boy that was in love with the girl and was + jealous, drew daggers, and the whole crowd yelled murder, and I started + for our hotel on a run, and the whole population of Rome seemed to follow + me, and I might as well have been a negro accused of crime in the states. + I thought they would burn me at the stake, but dad came out of the hotel + and threw a handful of small change into the crowd, and it was all off. + </p> + <p> + After they picked up the coin they beckoned me to come out and play some + more, but not any more for little Hennery. I have been in love in all + countries where we have traveled, and in all languages, but this Italian + love takes the whole bakery, and I do not go around any more without a + chaperone. The girls are ragged and wear shawls over their heads, and + there are holes in their dresses and their skin isn't white, like American + girls', but is what they call olive complexion, like stuffed olives you + buy in bottles, stuffed with cayenne pepper, but the girls are just like + the cayenne pepper, so warm that you want to throw water on yourself after + they have touched you. Gee, but I wouldn't want to live in a climate where + girls were a torrid zone, 'cause I should melt, like an icicle that drops + in a stove, and makes steam and blows up the whole house. + </p> + <p> + Well, old man, you talk about churches, but you don't know anything about + it. Dad and I went to St. Peter's in Rome, and it is the grandest thing in + the world. Say, the Congregational church at home, which we thought so + grand, could be put in one little corner of St. Peter's, and would look + like 30 cents. St. Peter's covers ground about half a mile square, and + when you go inside and look at grown people on the other side of it, they + look like flies, and the organ is as big as a block of buildings in + Chicago, and when they blow it you think the last day has come, and yet + the music-is as sweet as a melodeon, and makes you want to get down on + your knees with all the thousands of good Christians of Italy, and confess + that you are a fraud that ought to be arrested. + </p> + <p> + Dad and I have been to all kinds of churches, everywhere, and never turned + a hair, but since we got to this town and got some of the prevailing + religion into our systems, we feel guilty, and it seems as though + everybody could see right into us, and that they knew we were heathen that + never knew there was a God. Sure thing, I never supposed there were so + many people in the world that worshiped their Maker, as there are here, + and I don't wonder that all over the world good people look to Rome for + the light. Dad keeps telling me that when we get home we will set an + example that will make people pay attention, but he says he does not want + to join the church until he has seen all the sights, and then he will + swear off for good. + </p> + <p> + He said to me yesterday: “Now, Hennery, I have been to all the pious + places with you, the pope's residence, the catacombs and St. Peter's, + where they preach from 40 different places and make you feel like giving + up your sins, and I have looked at carvings and decorations and marble and + jewels and seen the folly of my ways of life, and I am ripe for a change, + but before I give up the world and all of its wickedness, I want blood. I + want to go to the other extreme, and see the wild beasts at the Coliseum + tear human beings limb from limb, and drink their blood, and see + gladiators gladiate, and chop down their antagonists, and put one foot on + their prostrate necks, like they do in the theaters, and then I am ready + to leave this town and be good.” + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, I have been in lots of tight places before, but this one beat + the band. Here was my dad, who did not know that the Roman, gladiator + business had been off the boards for over 2,000 years, that the eating of + human prisoners by wild beasts in the presence of the Roman populace was + played out, and that the Coliseum was a ruin and did not exist as a place + of amusement. He thought everything that he had read about the horrors of + a Roman holiday was running to-day, as a side show, and he wanted to see + it, and I had encouraged him in his ideas, because he was nervous, and I + didn't want to undeceive him. He had come to Rome to see things he + couldn't find at home, and it was up to me to deliver the goods. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but it made me sweat, 'cause I knew if dad did not get a show for his + money he would lay it up against me, so I told him we would go to the + Coliseum that night and see the hungry lions and tigers eat some of the + leading citizens, just as they did when Caesar run the show. Then I found + an American from Chicago at the hotel, who sells soap in Rome, and told + him what dad expected of me in the way of amusement, and he said the only + way was to take dad out to the Coliseum, and in the dark roll a barrel of + broken glass down the tiers of seats and make him believe there was an + earthquake that had destroyed the Coliseum, and that the lions and tigers + were all loose, looking for people to eat, and scare dad and make a run + back to town. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0057" id="linkimage-0057"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/230.jpg" + alt="What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of Amusement 230 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I didn't want to play such a scandalous trick on dad, but the Chicago man + said that was the only way out of it, and he could get a barrel of broken + glass for a dollar, and hire four ruffians that could roar like lions for + a few dollars, and it would give dad good exercise, and may be save him + from a run of Roman fever, 'cause there was nothing like a good sweat to + knock the fever out of a fellow's system. The thing struck me as not only + a good experience for dad, but a life saver, so I whacked up the money, + and the Chicago soap man did the rest. + </p> + <p> + After dark we went out to the ruin of the Coliseum, where a great many + tourists go to look at the ruins by moonlight, and dad was as anxious and + bloodthirsty as a young surgeon cutting up his first “stiff.” When we got + to the right place, and I told dad we were a little early, because the + nobility were not in their seats, the villains began to roar three + dollars' worth like hungry lions, and dad turned a little pale and said + that sounded like the real thing. + </p> + <p> + I told him we better not get too near, because we were not accustomed to + seeing live men chewed up by beasts, and dad said he didn't care how near + we got, as long as they chewed and tore to pieces the natives; so we + started to work up a little nearer, when there was a noise such as I never + heard before, as the hogshead of broken glass began to roll down the tiers + of stone seats, and I fell over on the ground, and pushed dad, and he went + over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus, and yelled that he was + stabbed with a dirk. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0058" id="linkimage-0058"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/233.jpg" + alt="Went over in the Sand and Struck his Pants on a Cactus 233 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I got up and fell down again, and just then the Chicago soap man came up + on a gallop, followed by the villains playing lion and tiger, and dad + asked the Chicago man what seemed to be the matter, and he said: “Matter + enough; there has been an earthquake, and the Coliseum has fallen down, + killing more than 10,-000 Romans, and the animals' cages are busted and + the animals are loose, looking for fresh meat, and we better get right + back to Rome, too quick, or we will be eaten alive. Come on if you are + with me. Do you hear the lions after us?” said he, as the hired villains + roared. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0059" id="linkimage-0059"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/235.jpg" alt="He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, you'd a died to see dad get up out of that prickly cactus and take + the lead for good old Rome. I didn't know he was such a sprinter, but we + trailed along behind, roaring like lions and snarling like tigers and + yip-yapping like hyenas and barking like timber wolves, and we couldn't + see dad for the dust, on that moonlight night. + </p> + <p> + We slowed up and let dad run ahead, and he got to the hotel first, and we + paid off the villains, and finally we went in the hotel and found dad in + the bar-room puffing and drinking a high-ball. “Pretty near hell, wasn't + it,” said dad, to the soap man. “Did the lions catch anybody?” “O, a few + of the lower classes,” said the soap man, “but none of the nobility. The + nobility were in the boxes and that part of the Coliseum never falls + during an earthquake,” and the soap man joined dad in a high-ball. + </p> + <p> + After dad got through puffing and had wiped about two quarts of + perspiration off his head and neck, and the soap man had told him what a + great thing it was to perspire in Rome, on account of the Roman fever, + that catches a man at night and kills him before morning, dad turned to me + and said: “Hennery, you go pack up and we get out of this in the morning, + for I feel as though I had been chewed by one of those hyenas. Not any + more Rome for papa,” and the high-ball party broke up, and we went to bed + to get sleep enough to leave town. + </p> + <p> + Do you know, the next morning those hired villains made the soap man and I + pay ten dollars extra on account of straining their lungs roaring like + lions? But we paid for their lungs all right, rather than have them + present a bill to dad. + </p> + <p> + Well, good-by, old man. We are getting all the fun there is going. + </p> + <p> + Your only, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope—They Bow to the King + of Italy and His Nine Spots—Dad Finds That “The Catacombs” + Is Not a Comic Opera. +</pre> + <p> + Rome, Italy.—Dear Old Friend: You remember, don't you when you were + a boy, playing “tag, you're it,” and “button, button, who's got the + button?” that one of the trying situations was to be judged to “go to + Rome,” which meant that you were to kiss every girl in the room. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0060" id="linkimage-0060"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/238.jpg" alt="Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me 238 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I never got enough “going to Rome” when I attended church sociables and + parties, but always got blindfolded, and had to kiss anybody they brought + to me, which was usually a boy or a colored cook, so I teased dad to take + me to Rome, and when he got over his being rattled and robbed and burned + by lava at Vesuvius, he said he didn't care where he went, and, besides, I + told him about the Roman Coliseum, where they turned hungry tigers and + lions and hyenas loose among the gladiators, and the people could see the + beasts eat them alive, and dad said that was something like it, as the way + he had been robbed and misued in Italy, he would enjoy seeing a good share + of the population chewed by lions, if the lions could stand it. I didn't + tell dad that the wild animal show had not been running for a couple of + thousand years, 'cause I thought he would find it out when we got here. + </p> + <p> + Say, old man, I guess I can help you to locate Rome. You remember the time + I spoke a piece at the school exhibition, when I put my hand inside my + flannel shirt, like an orator, and said: “And this is Rome, that sat on + her seven hills, and from her throne of beauty ruled the whole world.” + Well, this is it, where I am now, but the seven hills have been graded + down, and Rome don't rule the whole world a little bit; but she has got + religion awful. + </p> + <p> + The pope lives here, and he is the boss of more religious people than + anybody, and though you may belong to any other kind of church, and when + you are home you don't care a continental for any religion except your + own, or your wife's religion, and you act like an infidel, and scoff at + good people, when you get to Rome and see the churches thicker than + saloons in Milwaukee, and everybody attending church and looking pious, + you catch the fever, and try to forget bad things you have done, and if + you get a chance to see the pope, you may go to his palace just 'cause you + want to see everything that is going on, and you think you don't care + whether school keeps or not, and you feel independent, as though this + religion was something for weak people to indulge in, and finally you come + face to face with the pope, and see his beautiful face, and his grand + eyes, and his every movement is full of pious meaning, you “penuk” right + there, and want to kneel down and let him bless you, by gosh. + </p> + <p> + Say, I never saw dad weaken like he did when the pope came in. We got + tickets to go to his reception, but dad said he had rather go to the + catacombs, or the lion show at the Coliseum. He said he didn't want to + encourage popes, because he didn't believe they amounted to any more than + presiding elders at home. He said he had always been a Baptist, and they + didn't have any popes in his church, and he didn't believe in 'em, but + some other Americans were going to see the pope, and dad consented to go, + under protest, it being understood that he didn't care two whoops, anyway. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, we went, and it was the grandest thing you ever saw. There were + guards by the thousand, beautiful gardens that would make Central Park + look like a hay marsh, hundreds of people in church vestments, and an air + of sanctity that we never dreamed; jewels that are never seen outside the + pope's residence, and we lined up to see the holy father pass. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but dad trembled like a dog tied out in the snow, and the + perspiration stood out on his face, and he looked sorry for himself. Then + came the procession, all nobles and great people, and then there was a + party of pious men carrying the most beautiful man we ever saw on a + platform above us, and it was the pope, and he smiled at me, and the tears + came to my eyes, and I couldn't swallow something which I s'pose was my + sins, and then he looked at dad, and held up one hand, and dad was pale, + and there was no funny business about dad any more, and then they set the + platform down and the pope sat in a chair, and those who wanted to went up + to him, and he blessed them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0061" id="linkimage-0061"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/241.jpg" alt="For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Say, for awhile dad dassent go up, 'cause he thought the pope could see + right through him, and would know he was a Baptist, but the rest of the + Americans were going up, and dad didn't want to be eccentric, so he and I + went up. The pope put out his hand to dad, and instead of shaking it, as + he would the hand of any other man on earth, and asking how his folks + were, dad bent over and kissed the pope's hand, and the pope blessed him. + Dad looked like a new man, a good man, and when the pope put his hand on + my head, and blessed me, my heart came up in my throat, 'cause I thought + he must know of all the mean things I had ever done, but I can feel his + soft, beautiful hand on my head now, and from this out I would fight any + boy twice my size that ever said a word against the pope and his religion. + When we got outside dad says to me: “Hennery, don't you ever let me hear + of your doing a thing that would make the good man sorry if he was to hear + about it.” And we went to our hotel and stayed all the afternoon, and all + night, and just thought of that pope's angelic face, and when one of the + Americans came to our room and wanted dad to play cinch, he was indignant, + and said: “I would as soon think of robbing a child's bank,” and we went + to bed, and if dad wasn't a converted man I never saw one. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, trouble, and sorrow, and religion, don't last very long on dad. + The next morning we talked things over, and I quoted all the Roman stuff I + could think of to dad, such as “In that elder day, to be a Roman was + greater than a king,” but before I could think twice there was a commotion + in the streets and a porter came and made us take off our hats, because + the king was riding by, and we looked at the king, and dad was hot. He + said that fellow was nothing but a railroad hand, disguised in a uniform, + and, by ginger, if we had seen that king out west working on a railroad, + with canvas clothes on, he would not have looked like a king, on a bet. + There was nothing but his good clothes that stood between the king and a + dago digging sewers in Chicago. + </p> + <p> + After the king and his ninespots had passed, dad said: “When you are in + Rome, you must do as the Romans do,” and he said he wanted to get that + heavy feeling off his shoulders, which he got at the religious procession, + and wanted me to suggest something devilish that we could do, and I told + him we better go and see the “Catacombs.” He wanted to know if it was + anything like “a trip to Chinatown,” or the “Black Crook,” and I told him + it was worse. Then he asked me if there was much low neck and long + stockings in the “Catacombs,” and I told him there was a plenty, and he + said he was just ripe to see that kind of a show, and so we took a + carriage for the “Catacombs,” and dad could hardly keep still till we got + there. + </p> + <p> + I suppose I ought to be killed for fooling dad, but he craved for + excitement, and he got it. The “Catacombs” are where Roman citizens have + been buried for thousands of years, in graves hewn out of solid rock, and + they are petrified, and after they have laid in the graves for a few + hundred years, the mummified bodies are taken out and stood up in corners, + if the bodies will hang together, and if not the bones are piled up around + for scenery. + </p> + <p> + We had to take torches to go in, and we wandered through corridors, gazing + at the remains, until dad asked one of the men with us what it all meant, + and the man said it was the greatest show on earth. Dad began to think he + was nutty, and when I laughed, and said: “That is great,” and clapped my + hands, and said: “Encore,” dad stopped and said: “Hennery, this is no leg + show, this is a morgue,” but to cheer him up I told him his head must be + wrong, and I pointed to about a hundred dried corpses, a thousand years + old, in a corner, with grinning skulls all around, and told him that was + the ballet, and told him to look at the leading dancer, and asked him if + she wasn't a beaut, from Butte, Mont., and that killed dad. He leaned + against me, and said his eyes must have gone back on him, because + everything looked dead to him. I told him he would get over it after + awhile, and to stay where he was while I went and spoke to one of the + ballet that was beckoning to me, and I left him there, dazed, and went + around a corner and hid. + </p> + <p> + People were coming along with torches all the time, looking at the + catacombs and reading the inscriptions cut in the rock, and after awhile I + went back to where I left dad, and he was gone, but after awhile I found + him standing up with the stiffs. He was glad to see me, and wanted to know + if I thought he was' dead. I told him I was sure he was alive, though he + had a deathly look on his face. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0062" id="linkimage-0062"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/246.jpg" + alt="He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and Throw Me Into a Pile 246 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, sir,” says dad, “I thought it was all over with me, after you left, + for a man came along and moved me around, and took hold under my arms and + jumped me along here by these stiffs, and told me if I didn't stay where I + belonged he would break me up into bones, and throw me into a pile, and I + thought I would have to do as the Romans do and stay here, and before the + man left me he reached into my pocket and took my money, and said I + couldn't spend any money in there where I was going to stay for a million + years, and, by gosh, I was so petrified I couldn't stop him from robbing + me. Say, Hennery, they will rob you anywhere, even in the grave, and if + this Catacomb show is over, and the curtain has gone down, I want to get + out of here, and go to the Coliseum or the Roman amphitheater, where the + wild beasts eat people alive.” And so we left the Catacombs and went back + to town, and dad began to show life again. Say, you tell the folks at home + that dad is gaining every day, and his vacation is doing him good. He has + promised to kill me for taking him to the Catacomb show, but dad never + harbors revenge for long, and I guess your little nephew will pull + through. I wish I had my skates, cause dad wants to go to Russia. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble + They Had to Get There—Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with + the People and Soldiers. +</pre> + <p> + St. Petersburg, Russia.—My Dear Groceryow-ski: Well, sir, I 'spose + you will be surprised to hear from me in Russia, but there was no use + talking when Dad said he was going to St. Petersburg if it was the last + act of his life. He got talking with a Japaneser in Rome and the Jap said + the war in the far east would last until every Russian was killed, unless + America interfered to put a stop to it, and as Roosevelt didn't appear to + have sand enough to offer his services to the czar, what it needed was for + some representative American citizen who was brave and had nerve to go to + St. Petersburg and see the czarovitch and give him the benefit of a good + American talk. The Jap said the American who brought about peace, by a few + well chosen remarks, would be the greatest man of the century, and would + live to be bowed down to by kings and emperors and all the world would + doff hats to him. + </p> + <p> + At first dad was a little leary about going on such a mission without + credentials from Washington, but as luck would have it, he met an exiled + Russian at a restaurant, who told dad that he reminded him of Gen. Grant, + because dad had a wart on the side of his nose, and he told dad that + Russia would keep on fighting until every Japanese was killed unless some + distinguished American should be raised up who deemed it his duty to go to + St. Petersburg and see the Little Father, and in the interest of humanity + advise the czar to call a halt before he had exterminated the whole yellow + race. Dad asked the Russian if he thought the czar would grant an audience + to an American of eminence in his own country, and the Russian told dad + that Nicholas just doted on Americans, and that there was hardly ever an + American ballet dancer that went to Russia but what the czar sent for her + to come and see him and dance before the grand dukes, and he always gave + them jewels and cans of caviar as souvenirs of their visit. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0063" id="linkimage-0063"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/250.jpg" + alt="The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just Doted On Americans 250 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad thought it over all night, and the next morning we started for Russia + and I wish we had joined an expedition to discover the North Pole instead + of coming here. Say, it is harder to get into Russia than it would be to + get out of a penitentiary at home. At the frontier we were met by guards + on horseback and on foot, policemen, detectives and other grafters, who + took our passports and money, and one fellow made me exchange my socks + with him. Then they imprisoned us in a stable with some cows until they + could hold a coroner's inquest on our passports and divide our money. We + slept with the cows the first night in Russia, and I do not want to sleep + again with animals that chew cuds all night, and get up half a dozen times + to hump up their backs and stretch and bellow. We never slept a wink, and + could look out through the cracks in the stable and see the guards shaking + dice for our money. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0064" id="linkimage-0064"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/253.jpg" + alt="See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money 253 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Finally they looked at the great seal on our passports and saw it was an + American document, and they began to turn pale, as pale as a Russian can + get without using soap, and when I said, “Washington, embassador, minister + plenipotentiary, Roosevelt, Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight, E Pluribus + Unum, whoopla, San Juan Hill,” and pointed to dad, who was just coming out + of the stable, looking like Washington at Valley Forge, the guards and + other robbers bowed to dad, gave him a bag full of Russian money in place + of that which they had taken away, and let us take a freight train for St. + Petersburg, and they must have told the train men who we were, because + everybody on the cars took off their hats to us, and divided their lunch + with us. + </p> + <p> + Dad could not understand the change in the attitude of the people towards + us until I told him that they took him for a distinguished American + statesman, and that as long as we were in Russia he must try to look like + George Washington and act like Theodore Roosevelt, so every little while + dad would stand up in the aisle of the car and pose like George Washington + and when anybody gave him a sandwich or a cigarette he would show his + teeth and say, “Deelighted,” and all the way to St. Petersburg dad carried + out his part of the programme and we were not robbed once on the trip, but + dad tried to smoke one of the cigarettes that was given him by a Cossack, + and he died in my arms, pretty near. + </p> + <p> + They make cigarettes out of baled hay that has been used for beddings and + covered with paper that has been used to poison flies. I never smelled + anything so bad since they fumigated our house by the board of health + after the hired girl had smallpox. + </p> + <p> + Well, we got to St. Petersburg in an awful time, and went to a hotel, + suspected by the police, and marked as undesirable guests by the Cossacks, + and winked at by the walking delegates and strikers, who thought we were + non-union men looking for their jobs. + </p> + <p> + The next day the religious ceremony of “blessing the Neva” took place, + where all the population gets out on the bank of the river, with overshoes + on, and fur coats, and looks down on the river, covered with ice four feet + thick, and the river is blessed. In our country the people would damn a + river that had ice four feet thick, but in Russia they bless anything that + will stand it. We got a good place on the bank of the river, with about a + million people who had sheepskin coats on, and who steamed like a sheep + ranch, and were enjoying the performance, looking occasionally at the + Winter palace, where the czar was peeking out of a window, wondering from + which direction a bomb would come to blow him up, when a battery of + artillery across the river started to fire a salute, and then the devil + was to pay. It seems that the gentlemen who handled the guns, and who were + supposed to fire blank cartridges into the air, put in loaded cartridges, + filled with grape shot, and took aim at the Winter palace, and cut loose + at Mr. Czar. + </p> + <p> + Well, you would have been paralyzed to see the change that came over that + crowd, blessing the river one minute and damning the czar and the grand + dukes the next. The shot went into the Winter palace and tore the + furniture and ripped up the ceiling of the room the czar was in, and in a + moment all was chaos, as though every Russian knew the czar was to be + assassinated at that particular moment, and all rushed toward the Winter + palace as though they expected pieces of the Little Father would be thrown + out the window for them to play football with. For a people who are + supposed to be lawful and law-abiding, and who love their rulers, it + seemed strange to see them all so tickled when they thought he was blown + higher than a kite by his own soldiers. + </p> + <p> + Dad and I started with the crowd for the Winter palace, and then we had a + taste of monarchial government. The crowd was rushing over us and dad got + mad and pulled off his coat and said he could whip any confounded + foreigner that rubbed against him with a sheepskin coat on, and he was + just on the point of smiting a fellow with whiskers that looked like + scrambled bristles off a black hog when a regiment of Cossacks came down + on the crowd, riding horses like a wild west show, and with whips in their + hands, with a dozen lashes to each whip, and they began to lash the crowd + and ride over them, while the people covered their faces with their arms, + and run away, afraid of the whips, which cut and wound and kill, as each + lash has little lead bullets fastened to them and a stroke of the whip is + like being shot with buck shot or kicked with a frozen boot. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0065" id="linkimage-0065"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/258.jpg" + alt="A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed Him over The Back 258 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, sir, dad was going to show the Cossacks that he was pretty near an + American citizen and didn't propose to be whipped like a school boy by a + teacher that looked like a valentine, so he tried to look like George + Washington defying the British, but it didn't work, for a Cossack rode + right up to him and lashed him over the back (and about 15 buck shot in + his whip took dad right where the pants are tight when you bend over to + pick up something) and the Cossack laughed when dad straightened up and + started to run. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad. He + started for our hotel, and as good a sprinter as I am I couldn't keep up + with him, but I kept him in sight. Before we got to the hotel a sledge + came along, not an “old sledge,” such as you play with cards, + high-low-Jack-game, but a sort of a sleigh, with three horses abreast, and + I yelled to dad to take a hitch on the sledge, and he grabbed on with his + feet on the runners, and a man in the sledge with a uniform on, who seemed + to be a grand duke, 'cause everybody was chasing him and yelling to head + him off, hit dad in the nose with the butt of a revolver, and dad fell off + in the snow and the crowd that was chasing the grand duke picked dad up + and carried him on their shoulders because they thought he had tried to + assassinate the duke, and we were escorted to our hotel by the strikers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0066" id="linkimage-0066"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/255.jpg" + alt="Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a Revolver 255 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + We didn't know what they were, but you can tell the laboring men here + because they wear blouses and look hungry, and when they left us the + landlord notified the police that suspicious characters were at the hotel, + and came there escorted by the mob, and the police surrounded the house + and dad went to our room and used witch hazel on himself where the Cossack + hit him with the loaded whip. He says Russia will pay pretty dear for that + stroke of the whip by the Cossack, and I think dad is going to join the + revolution that is going to be pulled off next Sunday. + </p> + <p> + They are going to get about a million men to take a petition to the czar, + workingmen and anarchists, and dad says he is going as an American + anarchist who is smarting from injustice, and I guess no native is + smarting more than dad is, 'cause he has to stand up to eat and lie on his + stummick to sleep. There is going to be a hades of a time here in St. + Petersburg this next week, and dad and I are going to be in it clear up to + our necks. + </p> + <p> + Dad has given up trying to see the czar about stopping the war and says + the czar and the whole bunch can go plum (to the devil) and he will die + with the mob and follow a priest who is stirring the people to revolt. + </p> + <p> + Gee, I hope dad will not get killed here and be buried in a trench with a + thousand Russians, smelling as they do. + </p> + <p> + I met a young man from Chicago, who is here selling reapers for the + harvester trust, and he says if you are once suspected of having sympathy + with the working people who are on a strike you might just as well say + your prayers and take rough on rats, 'cause the Cossacks will get you, and + he would advise me and dad to get out of here pretty quick, but when I + told dad about it he put one hand on his heart and the other on his pants + and said “Arnica, arnica, arnica!” and the police that were on guard near + his room thought he meant anarchy, and they sent four detectives to stay + in dad's room. + </p> + <p> + The people here, the Chicago young man told me, think the Cossacks are + human hyenas, that they have had their hearts removed by a surgical + operation when young, and a piece of gizzard put in in place of the heart, + and that they are natural murderers, the sight of blood acting on them the + same as champagne on a human being, and that but for the Cossacks Russia + would have a population of loving subjects that would make it safe for the + Little Father to go anywhere in Russia unattended, but with Cossacks ready + to whip and murder and laugh at suffering, the people are becoming like + men bitten by rabid dogs, and they froth at the mouth and have spasms and + carry bombs up their sleeves, ready to blow up the members of the royal + family, and there you are. + </p> + <p> + If you do not hear from me after next Sunday you can put dad's obituary + and mine in the local papers and say we died of an overdose of Cossack. If + we get through this revolution alive you will hear from me, but this is + the last revolution I am going to attend. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints—The Bad Boy + Arranges a Wolf Hunt—Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the + Wolves. +</pre> + <p> + St. Petersburg, Russia.—My Dear Grocery-witz: Well, sir, dad and I + have got too much of Russia the quickest of any two tourists you ever + heard of. That skirmish we saw, the day the Russians blessed the Neva, and + shot blank cartridges filled with old iron at the czar, was not a marker + to the trouble the next Sunday, when the working people marched to the + Winter Palace, to present a petition to the “Little Father.” + </p> + <p> + We thought a revolution was like a play, and that it would be worth going + miles to see. Dad was in South America once when there was a revolution, + where more than a dozen greasers, with guns that wouldn't shoot, put on a + dozen different kinds of uniforms, and yelled: “Down with the government,” + and frothed at the mouth, and drank buttermilk and yelled Spanish swear + words, and acted brave, until a native soldier with white pajamas came out + with a gun and shot one of the revolutionists in the thumb, when the + revolution was suppressed and the next day the revolutionists were + pounding stone, with cannon balls chained to their legs; and dad thought a + revolution in Russia would be something like that, and that we could get + on a front porch and watch it as it went by, and joke with the revolution, + and throw confetti, like it was a carnival, but that Sunday that the + Russian revolution was begun, we had enough blood to last us all our + lives. + </p> + <p> + We got a place sitting on an iron picket fence, and we saw the people + coming up the street towards the Winter Palace, dressed mostly in blouses, + and looking as innocent as a crowd of sewer diggers at home going up to + the city hall to ask for a raise in wages of two shillings a day. Nobody + had a gun, and no one would have known how to use a gun, and all looked + like poor people going to prayers. There were troops everywhere, and every + soldier acted as though he was afraid something would happen to spoil + their chance of killing anybody. The snow on the streets was clean and as + white as the wings of a peace dove, and dad said the show was no better + than a parade of laboring men at home on Labor day. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly some officer yelled to the parade to stop, and the priest at the + head of the procession, who was carrying a cross, slowed up a little, like + the drum major of a band when the populace at home begins to throw eggs, + but they kept on, and then the shooting began, and in a minute men, women + and children were rolling in the snow, bleeding and dying, the marchers + were too stunned to run, and the deadly guns kept on spitting fire, and + the street was full of dead and dying, and then the Cossacks rode over the + dead and sabered and knouted the living, and as the snow was patched with + red blood, dad fainted away and fell off the picket fence, and hung by one + pant leg, which caught on a picket, and crowds rushed in every direction, + and it was an hour before I could get a drosky to haul dad to the hotel. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0067" id="linkimage-0067"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/265.jpg" alt="Hung by One Pant Leg 265 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad collapsed when he got to the hotel, and I got a doctor and a nurse, + and for two days I had to watch the revolution alone, while dad had fits + of remorse 'cause he brought me to such a charnel house, he said. + </p> + <p> + Well, if you ever go anywhere, traveling for pleasure, do not go to + Russia, because it is the saddest place on earth. I have seen no person + smile or laugh in all the ten days we have been here, except a Cossack + when he run a saber through a little girl, and his laugh was like the + coyote on the prairie when he captures a little lamb. The people look + either heart-broken or snarly, like the people confined in an insane + asylum at home. + </p> + <p> + The czar, who a week ago was loved by the people, who believed if they + went to him, as to their God, and appealed for guidance, is to-day hated + by all, and instead of “Nicholas the Good,” since he scampered away to a + castle in the country, and crawled under a bed, all the people call him + “the Little Jack Rabbit,” and his fate is sealed, as a bomb will blow him + into pieces so small they will have to be swept up in a dustpan for + burial, maybe before dad and I can get out of Russia. + </p> + <p> + Going to St. Petersburg for a pleasant outing is a good deal like visiting + the Chicago stockyards to watch the bloody men kill the cattle, and the + butchers in the stockyards, calloused against any feeling for suffering + animals, are like the soldiers here who shoot down their neighbors because + they are hired to do so. The murder of those unarmed working men, that + Sunday, has changed a helpless, pleading people into anarchists with + deadly bombs in their blouses, where they were accustomed to carry black + bread to sustain life, and with the menace of Japan in the far east and an + outraged people at home, Russia is in a bad way, and if I was the czar or + a grand duke, I would find a woodchuck hole and arrange with the woodchuck + for a furnished flat. + </p> + <p> + I didn't think there was going to be anything going on in Russia except + bloodshed and bombs, and things to make you sorry that you were here, and + I was willing to take chloroform and let them carry me home in a box, with + my description on the cover, until the doctor told me that dad was in a + condition of nervousness, that he needed something to happen to get his + mind off of the awful scenes he had witnessed, and asked me if I couldn't + think of something to excite him and wake him up, and then dad said, after + he got so he could go out doors: “Hennery, you have always been Johnny on + the spot when I needed diversion, and I want you to take your brain apart, + and oil the works, and see if you can't conjure up something to get my + blood circulating and my pores open for business, and anything you think + of goes, and I swear I will not kick if you scare the boots off of me.” + </p> + <p> + Well, that was right into my hand; and I set my mind to strike at four p. + m. I had been out riding once with the Chicago man, in a sledge, with + three horses abreast, all runaway horses, and the driver was a Cossack who + lashed the horses into a run every smooth place he found in the road, and + it was like running to a fire, so I got the Chicago fellow to go with me + and we found the Cossack, and he was drunker than usual. There is a kind + of liquor here called vodka, which skins wood alcohol and carbolic acid to + a finish, and when a man is full of it he is so mad he wants to cut his + own throat. This driver had put up sideboards on his neck and had two jags + in one, and we hired him by the hour. + </p> + <p> + I told the Chicago man the circumstances and that I had got to get dad out + of his trance, and he said he would help me. When I was out riding the day + before I noticed that the road was full of great dane dogs, wolf hounds + and stag hounds, which followed their master's sledges out in the country, + and the dogs loafed around, hungry, looking for bones, and fighting each + other, so I decided to get the dogs to chase our sledge and make dad think + we were chased by wolves. I thought that would make dad stand without + hitching, and it did. + </p> + <p> + The Chicago man bought some cannon firecrackers, and I bought a cow's + liver, and hitched it to a rope, and hid it in the back seat, and my + Chicago friend and I took the back seat, and we got dad in the seat behind + the driver, and started about an hour before dark out in the country, + through a piece of woods that looked quite wolfy. On the way out the + driver let his horses run away a few times, like you have seen in Russian + pictures, and dad was beginning to sit up and take notice, and seemed to + act like a man who expects every minute to be thrown over a precipice and + mixed up with dead horses. Dad touched the driver once on the coat-tail + and told him not to hurry so confounded fast, and the driver thought he + was complaining because it was too slow, and he gave a Comanche yell and + threw the lines into the air, and the horses just skedaddled, and run into + a snow bank and tipped over the sledge, and piled us out on top of dad, + but dad only said: “This is getting good.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0068" id="linkimage-0068"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/269.jpg" alt="Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + We righted up, and dad wanted to know where all the pups came from that we + had passed. I had been throwing out pieces of meat into the road for a + mile or so, and the dogs were having a picnic. It was getting pretty dark + by this time, and we started back to town, and I threw out my liver, + fastened to the rope, and the Chicago man, who had given the driver a + drink of vodka when we tipped over, told him, in Russian, that when the + dogs began to follow us, to get hold of the liver, to yell “wolves,” and + give the team the rein, for a five-mile run, and yell all the time, + because we wanted to give the old gentleman a good time. + </p> + <p> + Well, uncle, I would have given anything if you could have seen dad, when + the dogs began to chase that liver, and bark and fight each other. The + driver yelled something in Russian, and pointed back with his whip, the + Chicago man said: “My God, we are pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves, + and there is no hope for us,” and I began to cry, and implored dad, if he + loved me, to save me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0069" id="linkimage-0069"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/267.jpg" alt="Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0070" id="linkimage-0070"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/271.jpg" alt="Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad stood up in the sledge and looked back, and saw the wolves, and he was + scared, but he said the only thing to do was to throw something overboard + for them to be chewing on while we got away, but he sat down and pulled a + robe over his head and his lips were moving, but I do not know whom he was + addressing. + </p> + <p> + The Chicago man touched off a couple of cannon firecrackers behind the + sledge, but that only kept the dogs back for a minute, and dad said + probably the best thing to do was to throw me overboard and let them eat + me, and I said: “Nay, nay, Pauline,” and then I think dad fainted away, + for he never peeped again until the team had run away a lot more, and I + cut my liver rope, and when we got into the suburbs of St. Petersburg the + dogs had overtaken the liver, and were fighting over it. + </p> + <p> + The driver had to pull up his horses as we struck the town, and dad must + have got a whiff of the driver's vodka, because he come to, and we got to + the hotel all right, and I thought dad would simply die in his tracks, but + the ride and the excitement did him good, and he wanted to buy a gun and + go out wolf hunting the next day, but our tickets were bought and we shall + get out of this terrible country to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + Dad woke me, up in the night and wanted to know if I saw him when he + pulled his knife and wanted to get out and fight the pack of wolves + single-handed. I am not much of a liar, but I told him I remembered it + well, and it demonstrated to me that he was as brave a man as the czar, + “the Little Jack Rabbit,” as his people call him. + </p> + <p> + Well, thanks to my wolf hunt, dad is all right again, and now we shall go + to some country where there is peace. I don't know where we will find it, + but if such a country exists, your little Henry will catch on, if dad's + money holds out. + </p> + <p> + Yours, covered with Gore. + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople—They Find the + Turks Sensitive on the Dog Question—A College Yell for the + Sultan Sends Him Into a Fit. +</pre> + <p> + Constantinople, Turkey.—My Dear Old “Shriner”—We got out of + Russia just in time to keep from being arrested or blown up with a bomb. + Dad wanted to go to Moscow, because he saw a picture once of Moscow being + destroyed by fire by Napoleon, or somebody, and he wanted to see if they + had ever built the town up again, but I felt as though something serious + was going to, happen in that country if we didn't look out, and so I + persuaded dad to go to Turkey, and the day we started for Constantinople + we got the news that the Nihilists had thrown a bomb under the carriage of + the Grand Duke Sergius and blew him and the carriage into small pieces not + bigger than a slice of summer sausage, and they had to sweep his remains + up in a dustpan and bury them in a two-quart fruit jar. Wouldn't that jar + you? + </p> + <p> + When dad heard about that you couldn't have kept him in Russia on a bet, + and so we let the authorities have all the money we had, giving some to + each man who held us up, until we got out of the country, and then we took + the first long breath we had taken since we struck the Godforsaken country + of the czar. If the bombs hold out I do not think there will be a quorum + left in Russia in a year, either czars, dukes or anything except peasants + on the verge of starvation and workingmen who have not the heart to work. + I wouldn't take the whole of Russia as a gift, and have to dodge bombs + night and day. + </p> + <p> + Say, old man, you never dreamed that I knew all about you and dad joining + the Masons that time, but I watched you and dad giving each other signs + and grips, and whispering passwords into each other's ears, in the + grocery, nights, after you had locked up. I thought, at the time, that you + and dad were planning a burglary, but when you both went to the lodge one + night and stayed till near morning, and dad came home with a red Turkish + fez and told ma that you and he had joined the shrine, which was the + highest degree in Masonry, and you and he were nobles, and all that rot, I + was on to you bigger than a house, and you couldn't fool me when you and + dad winked at each other and talked about crossing the hot sands of the + desert. + </p> + <p> + Well, dad brought his red fez along, 'cause I think he expected he would + meet shriners all over the world, that he could borrow money of. When we + struck Constantinople and dad saw that every last one of the Turks wore a + red fez, he felt as though he had got among shriners, and he got his fez + out of his trunk and he wears it all the time. + </p> + <p> + Dad acts as familiar with the Turks here as though he owned a harem. We go + to the low streets, about as wide as a street car, where Turks are selling + things, with dad wearing his fez, and he begins to make motions and give + grand hailing signs of distress, and the Turks look at him as though he + had robbed a bank, and they charge enormous prices for everything, and dad + pays with a smile, thinking his brother Masons are fairly giving things + away. He looks upon all men who wear the fez as his brothers, and they + look at him as though he was crazy in the head. + </p> + <p> + The only trouble is that dad insists on talking to the women here without + an introduction, and a woman in Turkey had rather die than have a + Christian dog look at her. Dad was buying some wormy figs of a merchant, + who was seated on the floor of his shop, and giving him signs, when a + curtain behind the Turk was pulled one side and a woman with beautiful + eyes and her face covered with a veil, came out with a cup of coffee for + the Turk. Dad shook hands with her, and said: “Your husband and I belong + to the same lodge,” and he was going to go inside and visit the family, + when the woman drew a small dagger out of the folds of her dress, and the + Turk drew one of these scimeters, and it looked for a moment as though I + was going to be a half orphan, particularly when dad put his hand on her + shoulder and petted it, and smiled one of those masher smiles which he + uses at home, and said: “My good woman, you must not get in the habit of + jabbing your husband's friends with this crooked cutlery, though to be + killed by so handsome a woman would indeed be a sweet death,” but the + bluff did not go, and the woman disappeared behind the curtain, and dad + had the frantic husband to deal with. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0071" id="linkimage-0071"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/276.jpg" + alt="When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and Petted It 276 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I have never seen a human being look as murderous as that Turk did as he + drew his thumb across the blade of his knife, drew up his lip and snarled + like a dog that has been bereaved of a promising bone by a brother dog + that was larger. + </p> + <p> + The Turk looked through his teeth, and his eyes seemed to act like small + arc lights, that were to show him where to cut dad, and dad began to turn + pale, and looked scared. + </p> + <p> + “Give him the grand hailing sign of distress,” said I as dad leaned + against a barrel of dried prunes. Dad said he had forgotten the sign, and + then I told him the only way out of it, alive, would be to buy something, + so dad picked up a little jim-crack worth about ten cents, and gave the + Turk a five-dollar gold piece, and while the Turk went in behind the + curtain to get the change I told dad now was the time to skip, and you + ought to have seen dad make a sprint out the door and around a corner, and + up another street, while I followed him, and we got away from the danger + of being stabbed, but dad got his foot into it again before we had gone a + block. + </p> + <p> + Nobody in Constantinople ever hurries, or goes off a walk, so when the + people saw an old man, with a fez on his head, running amuck, as they say + here, followed by a beautiful boy, they began to crawl into their holes, + thinking dad was crazy, but when we were passing a sausage store, where + about 20 dogs were asleep in the street, and dad kicked half a dozen dogs + and yelled, “get out, you hounds,” that settled it, and they knew he was + wrong in the head, and they yelled for the police, and we were pulled for + fast driving, and taken before a Turkish justice of the peace, followed by + the whole crowd. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0072" id="linkimage-0072"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/282.jpg" alt="Get out You Hounds 282 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The justice did not wear a fez, but had on a turban, so dad did not give + him any signs, but after jabbering a while they sent for an interpreter, + who could talk pigeon English, and then dad had a trial, and I acted as + his lawyer. I told about how dad had tried to be kind and genial to + another man's wife, and how, in his hurry to get away from the murderous + husband he fell over a mess of dogs, and that he was a distinguished + American, who was in Turkey to negotiate a loan to the sultan. + </p> + <p> + Say, that fixed them, and they all made salams to dad, and bowed all over + themselves, and the justice of the peace prayed to Allah, and the + interpreter said we could go, but to be careful about touching a Turkish + woman or a dog, particularly a dog, as the Turks were very sensitive on + the dog question. So we went out of the courtroom and wandered around the + town, and you can bet that dad didn't look at any more women, though they + were everywhere with veils that covered their faces so nothing but their + eyes could be seen. + </p> + <p> + Gee, but you never saw such eyes as these Turkish women have. They are big + and black, and they go right through you, and clinch on the other side. + Dad says the facilities for getting into trouble are better in + Constantinople than any place we have been, as the men look like bandits + and the women look like executioners. Dad thanked me for helping him out + of that scrape by claiming he was the agent of a financial syndicate that + wanted to lend money to the sultan. If I had said dad was a collecting + agency, to make the sultan pay up, they would have sentenced him to be + boiled in oil. + </p> + <p> + Well, we thought we had been in trouble before, but we are in it now worse + than ever. We heard at the hotel that at 11 o'clock in the morning the + sultan would pass by in a carriage, with an escort, on the way to a + mosque, to pray to Allah, and everybody could see the sultan, so we got a + place on a balcony, and at the appointed time the procession came in + sight. It was imposing, but solemn, and the people on both sides of the + street acted like they do in America when the funeral of a great man is + passing. No man spoke, and all looked as though they expected, if they + moved, to be arrested and have a stone tied to their feet and thrown into + the Bosphorus, the way they kill one of the sultan's wives when she flirts + with a stranger. + </p> + <p> + We watched the soldiers, and finally the carriage of the sultan came, and + in it was a dried up man, with liver complaint, with a nose like an eagle, + and eyes like shoe buttons. He looked as though death would be a relief, + and yet he seemed afraid of it, and there was no sound of welcome, such as + there would be if Roosevelt was riding down Michigan avenue at Chicago, on + the way to the stockyards to pray to Armour, instead of to Allah. + </p> + <p> + You could have heard a pin drop. I said: “Dad, this is too solemn, even + for a sultan. Let's give him the university yell, and show that mummy that + he has got two friends in Constantinople, anyway.” “Here she goes,” says + dad, and we leaned over the railing, just as the sultan's carriage was + right in front of us and not ten feet away, and in that oppressive silence + dad and I opened up, “U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin, zip-boom-Ah!” and then we + started to sing, “There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-Night.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0073" id="linkimage-0073"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/279.jpg" + alt="There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-night 279 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, if any man in the crowd had touched off a bomb, there could have + been no greater consternation. The sultan turned pale, as pale as so + yellow a man could, and became faint, and fell over into the arms of a + general who sat beside him, the Bazi Bazouks on horseback began to ride up + and down the street, the crowd scattered, the sultan's carriage was turned + around and rushed back to the palace, with the ruler of Turkey having a + fit, and about a hundred soldiers came up on the veranda, where dad and I + had broke up the procession, and they lit on dad like buzzards on a dead + horse, and took possession of the hotel, and began to search our baggage. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0074" id="linkimage-0074"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/285.jpg" alt="Another Took Me by the Ear 285 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + One Turk choked dad until his tongue hung out of his mouth, and another + took me by the ear and stretched it out so it was long as a mule's ear, + and they took us to a bastile and dad says it is all up with us now, + because they will drown us like a mess of kittens in a bag, and all + because we woke them up with a football yell in the wrong place. + </p> + <p> + Well, we might as well wind up our career here as anywhere. Good-by, old + man. You will see our obituary in the papers. + </p> + <p> + Your repentant, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem—“Little + Egypt” Does a Dancing Stunt—The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty + Wives to the President. +</pre> + <p> + Constantinople, Turkey.—My Dear Grocer-pasha: When I wrote you last + I thought you would be in mourning for dad and I before this, as there + seemed nothing for the Turks to do but to kill us after we had stampeded + the sultan and all his soldiers by giving them a university yell, but + after we had been confined in a sort of jail over night, dad and I had a + heart to heart talk, and my diplomacy saved us for the time being. I told + dad that what we wanted to do was to tell the Turks that dad represented + the American people, and had a communication to make to the sultan + personally, which would make him rich and happy. + </p> + <p> + Well, say, they bit like a bass, and the next day they took us before the + sultan at the palace. Dad dug up a package of blank gold mining stock in a + mine that he was going to promote, though the mine was only a small hole + in the ground, and the stock had been offered for one cent a share, the + par value being a hundred dollars, so a man who got a share for a cent + would, when the mine got to paying, get a hundred dollars for every cent + he invested. + </p> + <p> + Dad filled out one of the stock certificates for 1,000,000 shares, which + would represent a capital equal to all the debts of Turkey, and we went + before the sultan, and we couldn't have been treated better if we had + owned a brewery. Dad told his story to the sultan through an interpreter, + while I looked around at the gorgeous surroundings and tried to think of + something to do to wake them up. + </p> + <p> + Dad said he came right fresh from the American people, and was authorized + by his mining company to present the sultan with untold millions, for pure + love of the Turkish people, whom they had seen riding and leading camels + at the Chicago world's fair, and dad produced the stock certificate for + 1,000,000 shares of stock in the Golden Horn Gold Mining and Smelting + company, and took out a handful of $20 gold pieces and showed them to the + crowd as specimens of gold that came from our mine. + </p> + <p> + He said our people did not expect anything in return, but just desired the + good will of the Turkish empire. He said that President Roosevelt desired + him to present his warmest regards to the sultan, and to invite him to + visit America, and if he would consent to do so, an American war vessel + would be furnished for him and the white house would be turned over to him + for his harem, and dad said the president wanted him particularly to + impress upon the sultan that if he came he must bring his folks, all his + wives that would be apt to size up for beauty with our American women. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0075" id="linkimage-0075"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/289.jpg" + alt="He Must Bring his Folks, and All His Wives 289 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, you ought to have seen that sickly looking sultan brace up when dad + handed him the millions of mining stock, and he grabbed the paper like an + old clothes buyer would grab a dress suit that a wife had sold for 60 + cents, belonging to her husband. He also wanted to see the gold that dad + had shown as coming from the mine, and when dad showed him the yellow boys + he took them as souvenirs and put them in his girdle, and then I thought + dad would faint, but he kept his nerve like a poker player betting on a + bobtail flush. + </p> + <p> + The sultan asked so many questions about America that I was afraid dad + would get all balled up, but he kept his nerve, and lied as though he was + on the witness stand trying to save his life. Dad told the sultan he was + authorized by the American people to inquire into the industries of + Turkey, and what he particularly desired was an insight into the harems, + as a national institution, because many American people were gradually + adopting the customs of the orient, and he desired to report to congress + as to whether we should adopt the customs of Turkey with her dried prunes + and dates with worms in, and her attar of roses made of pig's lard; her + fez, to cure baldness, and her outlandish pants and peaked red Morocco + shoes, and her harems. + </p> + <p> + The sultan said he would like to show us a little bunch of the cream of + the harem, who would do a stunt in the way of dancing, to celebrate the + good feeling of the American people, and the visit of the distinguished + statesman and gold miner to his realm, and dad said the sultan couldn't + turn his stomach with no cream of the harem, only they must keep their + hands off him, and the sultan promised he should be as safe as a “unique,” + whatever that is. + </p> + <p> + Dad and I had hired knee breeches and things of a masquerade ball store, + and we didn't look half bad when the crowd of shieks and things formed a + crescent around the sultan, who sat in a sort of barber's chair with an + awning over it, and they sounded a hewgag or something, and about a dozen + pretty fine looking females, dressed like the ballet in a vaudeville show, + came in and began to dance before the sultan. + </p> + <p> + Dad stood it first rate until a girl got on the carpet barefooted and + began one of those willowy sort of dances that nearly broke up the Chicago + fair, when people left the buildings filled with the work of the world's + artists, in all lines of progress, and went to the Midway in a body to see + “Little Egypt,” but when this dancer waltzed up to dad and wiggled in a + foreign language, dad sashayed up to her and I couldn't hold him back. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0076" id="linkimage-0076"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/293.jpg" alt="He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + He was just getting warmed up to “balance to partners,” when a frown came + over the sultan's face and he looked cross at dad, and then the hewgag + sounded, and the girls scattered out of a side door and dad wanted to + follow, but I held him by the coat, and it was over. I think those girls + were the only ones in the whole harem that were good looking. + </p> + <p> + Dad breathed hard a little from his exercise, and said he was ready to + inspect the stock, and the sultan detailed a tall negro, with a face dried + up like a mummy, and we started out through the harem, dad pulling the + long hair on the side of his head over his bald spot, and throwing his + shoulders back and drawing in his stomach to make him look young. + </p> + <p> + Well, say, there is nothing about a harem, much different from keeping + house at home, except that there is more of it. The idea people get of + harems is that the women are all young and beautiful, and that they sit + around a swimming tank and play guitars and keep the flies off the man who + owns the place, while he smokes the vile Turkish tobacco burning in a + jardiniere, through a section of rubber hose, and goes to sleep like a + Chinaman smoking opium, and that they drink rare wines and dance with + bangles on their legs and ropes of pearls on their necks and arms. + </p> + <p> + I have seen alleged imitations of a Turkish harem on the stage, with + American girls doing the acting, and it would make you feel as though you + would invest in a harem when you got old enough, but, gee, when you see a + regular harem, run by an up-to-date Turk, you think of the Mormon apostle + who has 40 wives of all ages, from 70 down to a 16-year-old hired girl, + with a hair-lip and warts on her thumbs. This harem was like a big stock + barn in the states, with a big room to exercise the colts, and box stalls + for the different wives and their families to live in and do their own + cooking and washing. + </p> + <p> + Instead of sitting by a bath playing a harp, the poor old wives stand by a + washtub and play tunes on the washboard, and scrub, and take care of + children. I thought the custom of spanking children was an American + institution, but it is as old as the ages, for I saw a Turkish mother grab + up a child that had lifted a kitten by the tail, and take it across her + knee and give it a few with a red hand covered with soapsuds, and the + young Turk yelled bloody murder, just like an American kid, and then sat + down on its knees, so the spanking wouldn't hurt, and called its mother + names in a language I couldn't understand, but I knew what the child said, + by instinct. Dad started to interfere, because he is a member of the + humane society, but the unique that was showing us around saved dad's life + by pushing him along, before the woman got a chance to brain him with the + washboard. + </p> + <p> + The women mostly had on these baggy Turkish trousers, like the Zouaves + wear, and a jacket, and a cloth around their heads, and they acted as + though if the next meal came along all right they would be in luck. We saw + a few women pretty white, and they were Circassian slaves, with big eyes + and hoops in their ears, and a little different clothes on, but there were + none that dad would buy at an auction, or at a bargain sale, if they were + marked down to 99 cents. + </p> + <p> + We passed one woman running an American sewing machine, and dad said he'd + bet she was an American, and he went up to her and said: “Hello, sis!” She + stopped the machine, looked up at dad with a sort of Bowery expression, + and said: “Gwan, Chauncey Depew, you old peach, or I'll have you pinched,” + and the unique took dad by the arm and pulled him along real spry, but he + hung back and looked over his shoulder at the woman, but she went on + sewing, and dad said to me: “Well, wouldn't that frost you?” And we went + on making the inspection. + </p> + <p> + I don't think I ever saw so many children, outside of an orphan asylum, + all about the same size and all looking exactly alike. They all had the + same beady black eyes that look as though they were afraid of getting + caught in a trap, like muskrats, and their noses had the same inquiring + appearance, as though the owner was speculating as to how much money the + visitors had in their pockets, and whether it was fastened in. Race + suicide is impossible in Turkey, but a race of bandits is growing up that + will let no foreigners with a pocketbook escape. + </p> + <p> + It took us an hour to go through the harem, and it was more like going + through the quarters of the working women of a home laundry in the + tenement district of a large city, than a comic opera, as we had been led + to expect by what we had read of harems. When we went into the harem I + think dad was going to insist on having the women dance for him, while he + sat on a throne and threw kisses at the most beautiful women in all the + world, but before we had got around all the box stalls I think if any of + them had started to dance dad would have stampeded in a body. + </p> + <p> + We finally got back to the great marble room, where the sultan was + sleeping in a stuffed chair, surrounded by his staff, and one of them woke + him up, and he asked dad what he thought of the home life of a crowned + head, and dad said it beat anything he had ever seen, and he should + recommend to his government that the harem system be adopted in America, + and actually the sultan seemed pleased. He said as an evidence of his love + for America he wanted to present to the president, through dad, 50 of his + wives, and if dad would indicate where he wanted them delivered, they + would be there, Johnny on the spot, or words to that effect. + </p> + <p> + At first I thought dad would faint away, but I whispered to him that it + would be discourteous to decline a present, after giving the sultan a gold + mine, and that may be the old man would be so mad, if he declined the + wives, that he would tie stones to our legs and sink us in the + Bosphor-ous, so dad rallied and said, on behalf of his government, he + would accept the kindly and thoughtful gift of his highness, and that he + would cable for a war vessel to take the wives to his own America, and he + would notify the sultan when to round them up and load them on the vessel. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, I do not know what possessed me to make a scene, before we got + out of the presence of the sultan, but it all came to me sudden, like an + inspiration comes to a poet. I had been eating some fruit that I bought in + a paper bag, and when I had eaten the last of it, I wondered what I would + do with the bag, and then I thought what fun it would be to blow the bag + up, and suddenly burst it, when all was still. So I blowed up the bag, so + it was as hard as a bladder, and tied a string around the neck, and + waited. I did not think how afraid everybody in these old countries is of + bombs, or I never would have done it, honestly. + </p> + <p> + The sultan was signing some papers, and looking out of the corners of his + eyes to see if anybody was present who was suspicious, and dad was getting + ready to make a salam, and back out of the presence of the ruler of + Turkey, when I got behind some of the officials who were watching the + sultan, and I laid my paper bag on the marble floor, and it was as still + as death, and all you could hear was the scratching of the pen, when I + jumped up in the air as though I had a fit, and yelled “Allah,” and came + down with my whole weight on the paper bag, and of all the stampedes you + ever saw, that was the worst. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0077" id="linkimage-0077"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/299.jpg" alt="Stampede 299 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + You know what a noise it makes to bust a paper bag. Well, this was the + toughest old bag I ever busted, and it sounded like a cannon fired down + cellar somewhere, and the air was full of dust, and before I could get up + the sultan had tipped over the table and run yelling into another room, + praying to “Allah,” and all the staff had lit out for tall timber, and + there was nobody left but dad and the unique and myself, and the unique + took dad by the arm and started for the door, and we were fired out. + </p> + <p> + As I went out of the room I looked around, and there was a Turk's head + sticking out of every door to see how many had been killed by the bomb, + and as we got out doors, dad said “Now we have to get out of Turkey before + night, or we die. Me for Egypt, boy, if we can catch a boat before we are + drawn and quartered.” So here goes for Cairo, Egypt. + </p> + <p> + Yours only, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo—At the Hotel They + Meet Some Egyptian Princesses—Dan Rides a Camel to the + Pyramids and Meets with Difficulties. +</pre> + <p> + Cairo, Egypt.—My Dear Old Irish Vegetable: Gee, but you ought to see + dad and I right now at a hotel, waiting for a chance at a room, when a + bride and groom get ready to vacate it, and go somewhere else. This hotel + is full of married people who look scared whenever there is a new arrival, + and I came pretty near creating a panic by going into the parlor of the + hotel, where a dozen couples were sitting around making goo-goo eyes at + each other, and getting behind a screen and, in a disguised voice, + shouting, “I know all! Prepare to defend yourself!” + </p> + <p> + The women turned pale and some said, “At last! At last!” while others got + faint in the head, and some fell on the bosoms of their husbands and said: + “Don't shoot!” You see, most of these wives had husbands somewhere else + that might be looking for them. I have warned dad not to be seen + conversing with a woman, or he may be shot by a husband who is on her + trail, or by the husband she has with her. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, of all the trips we have had anywhere, the trip from + Constantinople here was the limit. For two or three days we were on dinky + steamboats with Arabs, Turks, negroes and all nationalities camping on + deck, full of fleas, and with cholera germs on them big enough to pick + like blueberries, and all of the passengers were dirty and eat things that + would make a dog in America go mad. The dog biscuit that are fed to + American dogs would pass as a delicate confection on the menu of any + steamboat we struck, and I had rather lie down in a barn yard with a wet + dog for a pillow and a cast-off blanket from a smallpox hospital for a + bed, than to occupy the bridal chamber of any steamboat we struck. + </p> + <p> + And then the ride across the desert by rail to reach Cairo was the worst + in the world. Passengers in rags, going to Mecca, or some other place of + worship, eating cheese a thousand years old made from old goat's milk, and + dug from the Pyramids too late to save it, was what surrounded us, and the + sand storm blew through the cars laden with germs of the plague, and stuck + to us so tight you couldn't get it off with sandpaper, and when we got + here all we have had to do is to bathe the dirt off in layers. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0078" id="linkimage-0078"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/304.jpg" + alt="It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To American Epidermis 304 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis, and the last bath + has a jackplane to go with it, and a thing they scale fish with. But we + are all right now, with rooms in the hotel, and rested, and when we go + home we are going to be salted down and given chloroform and shipped as + mummies. Dad insists that he will never cross a desert or an ocean again, + and I don't know what is to become of us. Anyway, we are going to enjoy + ourselves until we are killed off. + </p> + <p> + The first two days we just looked about Cairo, and saw the congress of + nations, for there is nothing just like this town anywhere. There are + people from all quarters of the globe, the most outlandish and the most + up-to-date. This place is an asylum for fakirs and robbers, a place where + defaulters, bribers, murderers, swindlers and elopers are safe, as there + seems to be no extradition treaty that cannot be overcome by paying money + to the officials. I found that out the first day, and told dad we should + have no standing in the society of Egypt unless the people thought he had + committed some gigantic crime and fled his country. + </p> + <p> + Dad wanted to know how it would strike me if it was noised about the hotel + that he had robbed a national bank, but I, told him there would be nothing + uncommon or noticeable about robbing a bank, as half the tourists were + bank defaulters, so he would have to be accused of something startling, so + we decided that dad should be charged with being the principal thing in + the Standard Oil Company, and that he had underground pipe lines running + under several states, gathering oil away from the people who owned it, and + that at the present time he was worth a billion dollars, and his income + was $9,000,000 every little while, and, by ginger, you ought to see the + people bow down to him. Say, common bank robbers and defaulters just fell + over themselves to get acquainted with dad, and to carry out the joke, I + put some kerosene oil on dad's handkerchief, and that clinched it, for + everybody loves the smell of a perfume that represents a billion dollars. + </p> + <p> + All the women wanted to dance with dad in the hotel dance, and because + they thought I must be heir to all the oil billions, they wanted to hold + me on their laps, and stroke my hair, as though I was it. I guess we are + going to have everything our own way here, and if dad does not get eloped + with by some Egyptian princess, I shall be mistaken. The Egyptians are + pretty near being negroes, and wear bangles in their ears, and earrings on + their arms. You take it in the dark, and let a princess put her arms + around you, and sort of squeeze you, and you can't tell but what she is + white, only there is an odor about them like “Araby the blessed,” but in + the light they are only negroes, a little bleached, with red paint on + their cheeks. If I was going to marry an Egyptian woman, I would take her + to Norway, or up towards the north pole, where it is night all day, and + you wouldn't realize that you were married to a colored woman. To be + around among these Egyptians is a good deal like having a pass behind the + scenes at the play of Ben Hur in New York, only here the dark and + dangerous women are the real thing, instead of being white girls with + black paint on. + </p> + <p> + We have just got back from the pyramids, and dad is being treated for + spinal meningitis, on account of riding a camel. I never tried harder to + get dad to go anywhere on the cars than I did to get him to go to the + pyramids by rail, as a millionaire should, but he said he was going to + break a camel to the saddle, and then buy him and take him home for a side + show. So we went down to the camel garage and hired a camel for dad, and + four camels for the arabs and things he wanted for an escort, and a + jackass for me. There were automobiles and carriages, and trolleys, and + everything that we could have hired, and been comfortable for the ten-mile + ride, but dad was mashed on the camel, and he got it. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, it was not one of these world's fair camels that lay down for + you to get on, and then got up on the installment plan, and chuck you + forward and aft, but a proud Egyptian camel that stands up straight and + makes you climb up on a stepladder. + </p> + <p> + Dad got along up the camel's ribs, when the-stepladder fell, and he + grabbed hold of the hair on the two humps, and the humps were loose and + they lopped over on the side, and it must have hurt the camel's feelings + to have his humps pulled down, so he reached around his head and took a + mouthful out of the seat of dad's pants, and dad yelled to the camel to + let go, and the Arabs amputated the camel from dad's trousers, and pushed + dad up on top with a bamboo pole with a crotch in it, and when dad got + settled between the humps he said, “Let 'er go,” and we started. + </p> + <p> + Dad could have had a camel with a platform on top, and an awning, but he + insisted on taking his camel raw, and he sat there between those humps, + his trousers worked up towards his knees, showing his red socks and blue + drawers, and his face got pale from sea sickness, and the red, white and + blue colors made me think of a fourth of July at home. We went out of town + like a wild west show, and dad seemed happy, except that every time an + automobile went whizzing along, dad's camel got the jumps and waltzed + sideways out into the sandy desert, and chewed at dad's socks, so part of + the time dad had to draw up his legs and sit on one hump and put his shoes + on the other hump. The Arabs on the other camels would ride up alongside + and steer dad's camel back into the road, by sticking sharp sticks into + the camel, and the animal would yawn and groan and make up faces at me on + my jackass, and finally dad wanted to change works with me and ride my + jackass, but I told him we had left the stepladder back at Cairo, so dad + hung to his mountainous steed, but the dust blew so you couldn't see, and + it was getting monotonous when the queerest thing happened. + </p> + <p> + You have heard that camels can fill up with water and go for a week + without asking for any more. Well, I guess the week was up, and it was + time to load the camels with water, for as we came to the Nile every last + camel made a rush for the river, and they went in like a yoke of oxen on a + stampede, and waded in clear up to the humps, and began to drink, and dad + yelled for a life preserver and pulled his feet up on top and sat there + like a frog on a pond lily leaf. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0079" id="linkimage-0079"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/308.jpg" + alt="Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf 308 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + My jackass only stepped his feet in the edge, and dad wanted me to swim my + jackass out to the camel and let him fall off onto the jack, but I knew + dad would sink my jack in a minute, and I wouldn't go in the river. Well, + the camels drank about an hour, with dad sitting there meditating, and + then the dragomen got them out, and we started off for the pyramids, which + were in plain sight like the pictures you have seen, with palm trees along + the Nile, and Arabs camping on the bank, and it looked as though + everything was going to be all right, when suddenly dad's camel stopped + dead still and wouldn't move a foot, and all the rest of the camels + stopped, closed their eyes and went to sleep, and the Arabs went to sleep, + and dad and the jackass and I were apparently the only animals in Egypt + that were awake. + </p> + <p> + Dad kicked his camel in the ribs, but it wouldn't budge. He asked me if I + could't think up some way to start the procession, and I stopped my + jackass and thought a minute, and told dad I had it. I had bought some + giant fire crackers and roman candles at Cairo, with which I was going to + fire a salute on top of the biggest pyramid, to celebrate for old America, + and I told dad what I had got, and I thought if I got off my jackass and + fired a salute there in the desert it would wake them up. + </p> + <p> + Dad said, “all right, let 'er go, but do it sort of easy, at first, so not + to overdo it,” and I got my artillery ready. Say, you can't fire off + fireworks easy, you got to touch a match to 'em and dodge and take your + chances. Well, I scratched a match and lit the giant fire cracker, and put + it under the hind legs of dad's camel, and when it got to fizzing I lit my + roman candle, and as the fire cracker exploded like a 16-inch gun, my + roman candle began to spout balls of fire, and I aimed one at each camel, + and the whole push started on a stampede for the pyramids, the camels + groaning, the Arabs praying to Allah, dad yelling to stop 'er, and my + jackass led the bunch, and I was left in the desert to pick up the hats. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0080" id="linkimage-0080"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/311.jpg" alt="Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids 311 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + I guess I will have to tell you' the rest of the tragedy in my next + letter. + </p> + <p> + Yours with plenty of sand, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids—The Bad Boy + Lights a Cannon Cracker in Rameses' Tomb—They Flee from + Egypt in Disguise. +</pre> + <p> + Cairo, Egypt.—My Dear Old Geezer: I broke off my last letter in + sight of the pyramids, when I was left alone on the desert, my jackass + having stampeded with the camels, on account of my fireworks, and I + presume you think I was all in, but I got to the pyramids before the + stampeded caravan did. I saw a car coming along, and I just got aboard and + in ten minutes I was at the base of the big pyramid, and the camel with + dad on between the humps, was humping himself half a mile away, trying to + get there, and the other camels, with the Arabs, were stretched out like + horses in a race, behind, and my jackass was right next to dad's camel, + braying and occasionally kicking dad's camel in the slats. + </p> + <p> + There were about a hundred tourists around the stampede of the camels, and + I told them my the base of the big pyramid, all looking towards dad, the + great American millionaire, was on the runaway camel in advance, and asked + them to form a line across the trail and save dad, but when the camel came + nearer I was ashamed of dad. He had his arms around the front hump of the + camel, and he was yelling for help to stop his menagerie, and his legs + were flying in the air, and every time they came down they kicked a hole + in the side of the camel. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0081" id="linkimage-0081"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/319.jpg" alt="I Was Ashamed of Dad 319 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, sir, I thought dad was a brave man, but he blatted like a calf, and + when the camel stopped and went to eating a clump of grass dad opened his + eyes, and when he saw that the procession had stopped he rolled off his + camel like a bag of wheat, and stuck in the sand and began to say a + prayer, but when he saw me standing there, laughing, he stopped praying, + and said to me: “I thought you were blown up when that jackass kicked the + can of dynamite. You have more lives than a cat. Now, get a hustle on you + and we will climb that pyramid, and then quit this blasted country,” and + dad sat down on a hummock and began to pull himself together, after the + most fearful ride he ever had. He said the camel loped, trotted, galloped, + single-footed and shied all at the same time, and when one hump was not + jamming him in the back the other hump was kicking him in the stomach, and + if he had a gun he would shoot the camel, and the Arabs, and bust up the + show. + </p> + <p> + By the time dad got so he could stand up without leaning against a pyramid + the Arabs came up and they all talked at once, and drew knives, and it + seemed as though they were blaming dad for something. We found an + interpreter among the tourists, and he talked with the Arabs, and pointing + to the camel dad had ridden, which was stretched out on the sand like he + was dead, he told dad the Arabs wanted him to pay for the camel he had + ridden to death, and foundered by letting it drink a wagon load of water, + and then entered in a race across the desert, and the interpreter said dad + better pay, or they would kill him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0082" id="linkimage-0082"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/316.jpg" alt="Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad settled for the camel for a hundred dollars, and a promise of the skin + of the camel, which he was going to take home and have stuffed. Then a man + who pretended to be a justice of the peace had dad arrested for driving + off of a walk, and he was fined $10 and costs for that, and then all the + Arabs stuck him for money for one thing and another, and when he had + settled all around and paid extra for not riding back to Cairo on the + camel, we got ready to climb up the pyramid. Dad said he wouldn't ride + that camel back to Cairo for a million dollars, for he was split up so his + legs began where his arms left off, and he was lame from Genesis to + Revelations. + </p> + <p> + But I never saw such a lot of people to pray as these pirates are. Just + before they rob a man they get down on their knees on a rug, and mumble + something to some god, and after they have got you robbed good and plenty, + they get down and pray while they are concealing the money they took from + you. Gee, but when I get home I am going to steer the train robbers and + burglars onto the idea of always being on praying grounds. + </p> + <p> + Well, I told dad he hadn't better try to climb up the pyramid, that I + would go up, 'cause I could climb like a goat, and when I got up to the + top I would fire a salute, so everybody would know that a star spangled + American was on deck, but dad said he would go up or quit the tourist + business. He said he had come thousands of miles to climb the pyramids, + and sit in the shadow of the spinks, and by ginger he was going to do it, + and so we started. + </p> + <p> + Well, say, each stone is about four feet high, and dad couldn't get up + without help, so an Arab would go up a stone ahead, and take hold of dad's + hands, and two more Arabs would get their shoulders under dad's pants, and + shove, and he would get up gradually. We got about half way up when dad + weakened, and said he didn't care so much about pyramids as he thought he + did, and he was ready to quit, but the guide and some of the tourists said + we were right near the entrance to the great tomb of the kings, and that + we better go in and at least make a formal call on the crowned heads, and + so we went in, through dark passages, with little candles that the guides + carried, and up and down stairs, until finally we got into a big room that + smelled like a morgue, with bats and evil looking things all around, and I + felt creepy. + </p> + <p> + The guides got down on their knees to pray, and I thought it was time to + be robbed again. I do not know what made me think of making a sensation + right there in the bowels of that pyramid, where there were corpses + thousands of years old, of Egypt's rulers. I never felt that way at home, + when I visited a cemetery, but I though I would shoot my last roman candle + and fire my last giant firecracker right there in that moseleum, and take + the chances that we would get out alive. So when the tourists were lined + up beside a tomb of some Rameses or other, and the guides were praying for + strength and endurance, probably, to get away with all the money we had, I + picked out a place up toward the roof that seemed full of bats and birds + of ill omen, and I sneaked my roman candle out from under my shirt, and + touched the fuse to a candle on the turban of a guide who was on his + knees, and just as the first fire ball was ready to come out I yelled + “Whoop-la-much-a wano, epluribus un-um,” and the fire balls lighted up the + gloom and knocked the bats gaily west. + </p> + <p> + Holy jumping cats, but you ought to have seen the guides, yelling Allah! + Allah! and groveling on the floor, and the bats were flying around in the + faces of the tourists, and everybody was simply scared out of their boots. + I thought I might as well wind the thing up glorious, so I touched the + tail of my last giant firecracker to the sparks that were oozing out of my + empty roman candle, and threw it into the middle of the great room, and + when it went off you would think a cannon had exploded, and everybody + rushed for the door, and we fell over each other getting out through the + passage towards the door. + </p> + <p> + I was the first to get out on to the side of the pyramid, and I watched + for the crowd to come out. The tourists got out first, and then dad came + out, puffing and wheezing, and the last to come out were the Arabs, and + they came on their hands and knees, calling to Mr. Allah and every one of + them actually pale, and I think they were conscience-stricken, for they + began to give back the money they had robbed dad of, and an Arab must be + pretty scared to give up any of his hard-earned robberies. I think dad was + about the maddest man there was, until he got some of his money back, when + he felt better, but he gave me a talking to that I will never forget. + </p> + <p> + He said: “Don't you know better than to go around with explosives, like a + train robber, and fire them off in a hole in the ground, where there is no + ventilation, and make people's ears ring? Maybe you have woke up those + kings and queens in there, and changed a dynasty, you little idiot.” The + rest of the crowd wanted to throw me down the side of the pyramid, but I + got away from them and went up on top of the pyramid and hoisted a small + American flag, and left it floating there, and then came back to where the + crowd was discussing the explosion in the tomb, and then we all went down + the side of the pyramid. + </p> + <p> + The guides got their nerve back after they got out in the air, because + they wouldn't help dad down unless he paid them something every stone they + helped him climb down, so when he got down he didn't have any money, and + hardly any pants, because what pants the Arabs didn't tear were worn off + on the stones, so when he showed up in front of the spinks he was a sight, + and he bought a turban of a guide and unwound it and wound it around him + in place of pants. I was ashamed of dad myself, and it is pretty hard to + make me ashamed. + </p> + <p> + We went back to Cairo on the cars, and what do you think, that dead camel + that the Arabs made dad pay for was with the caravan going back to town, + 'cause we saw him out of the car window with the hair wore off where dad + kicked him in the side. The tourists say the Arabs have that camel trained + to die every day when they get to the pyramids, and they make some + tenderfoot pay for him at the end of each journey. Dad is going to try to + get his money back from the Egyptian government, but I guess he will never + realize on his claim. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, after dad had doctored all night to get the camel rheumatism + and spinal meningitis out of his system, we took a trip by boat on the + Nile, and saw the banks where the people grow crops by irrigation, and + where an English syndicate has built a big dam, so the whole valley can be + irrigated, and I tell you it will not be long before Egypt will raise + everything used in the world on that desert, and every other country that + raises food to sell will be busted up in business, but it is disgusting to + take a trip on the Nile, 'cause all the natives are dirty and sick with + contagious diseases, and they are lazy and crippled, and beg for a living, + and if you don't give them something they steal all you got. You are in + luck if you get away without having leprosy, or the plague, or cholera, or + fleas. + </p> + <p> + So we went back to Cairo, and there was the worst commotion you ever saw, + about my fireworks in the tomb. The papers said that an American dynamiter + had attempted to blow up the great pyramid, and take possession of the + country and place it under the American flag, and that the conspirators + were spotted and would be arrested and put in irons as soon as they got + back from a trip on the Nile. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, dad found his career would close right here, and that he would + probably spend the balance of his life in an Egyptian prison if wc didn't + get out, so we made a sneak and got into our hotel, bought disguises and + are going to get out of here tonight, and try to get to Gibraltar, or + somewhere in sight of home. Dad is disguised as a shiek, with whiskers and + a white robe, like a bath robe, and I am going to travel with him as an + Egyptian girl till we get through the Suez canal. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0083" id="linkimage-0083"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/323.jpg" alt="Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Gee, but I wouldn't be a nigger girl only to save dad. + </p> + <p> + Your innocent, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar—The Irish-English Army— + How He Would Take the Fortress—Dad Wants to Buy the “Rock.” + </pre> + <p> + Gibraltar, in Spain and England. My Dear Foster Uncle: It seems good to + get somewhere that you can hear the English language spoken by the Irish, + and the English soldiers are nearly all Irish. When you think of the way + the British government treats the Irish, and then you look on while an + orderly sergeant calls the roll of a company, and find that nine out of + ten answer to Irish names, and only one out of ten has the cockney accent, + you feel that the Irish ought to rule England, and an O'Rourke or a + O'Shaunnessy should take the place of King Edward. It makes a boy who was + brought up in an Irish ward in America feel like he was at home to mix + with British soldiers who come from the old sod. Dad says that there is + never an army anywhere in the world, except the armies of Russia and + Japan, that the bravest men are not answering to Irish names, and always + on the advance in a fight, or in the rear when there is a retreat. Dad + says that in our own army, when the North and South were fighting, the + Irish boys were the fellows who saved the day. They wanted to fight nights + and Sundays, and never struck for an eight-hour day, or union wages. When + the fighting was over, and soldiers were sick, or discouraged, and + despondent, an Irish soldier would come along, maybe on crutches, or with + a bullet in his inwards, and tell funny stories and make the discouraged + fellows laugh in spite of themselves, and when another fight was on, you + had to tie the wounded Irish soldiers to their cots in the hospital, or + put them in jail to keep them from forgetting their wounds, and going to + the front for one more fight. Dad says if there was an Irish nation with + an army and navy, the whole world would have to combine to whip them, and + yet the nation that has the control of the Irish people treats them worse + than San Francisco treats Chinamen, makes them live on potatoes, and + allows landlords to take away the potatoes if they are shy on the rent. + Gosh, if I was an Irishman I would see the country that walked on my neck + in hell before I would fight for it. (Gee, dad looked over my shoulder and + saw what I had written, and he cuffed me on the side of the head, and said + I was an incendiary and that I ought to have sense enough not to write + treason while a guest on British soil.) Well, I don't care a darn. It + makes me hot under the collar when I think of the brave Irish fellows, and + I wonder why they don't come to America in a body and be aldermen and + policemen. When I get home I am going to join the Fenians, and raise + thunder, just as quick as I am old enough. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0084" id="linkimage-0084"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/329.jpg" + alt="Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The Banks Will Cave In 329 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, sir, we have been through the Suez canal, and for a great modern + piece of engineering it doesn't size up with a sewer in Milwaukee, or a + bayou in Louisiana. It is just digging a railroad cut through the desert, + and letting in the water, and there you are. The only question in its + construction was plenty of dredging machines, and a place to pile the + dirt, and water that just came in of its own accord, and stays there, and + smells like thunder, and you see the natives look at it, and keep away + from the banks for fear the banks will cave in on them, and give them a + bath before their year is up, cause they don't bathe but once a year, and + when they skip a year nobody knows about it, except that they smell a year + or so more frowsy, like butter that has been left out of the ice box. Our + boat went right along, and got out of the canal, because it was a mail + boat, but the most of the boats we saw were tied up to the bank, waiting + for the millennium. We saw some Russian boats waiting for the war to blow + over and as we passed them every Russian on board looked scared, as though + we were Japs that were going to fire a torpedo under them, or throw a bomb + on deck, and when our boat got by the Russian boat, the crew was called to + prayers, to thank the Lord, or whoever it is that the Russians thank, + because they had escaped a dire peril. I guess the Russians are all in, + and that those who have not gone to the front are shaking hands with + themselves, and waiting for the dove of peace to alight on their guns. The + Suez canal probably pays, and no wonder, cause they charge what they + please to boats that go through, and if they don't pay all they have to do + is to stay out, and go around a few thousand miles. It is like a ferry + across a little stream out west, where there is no other way to cross, + except to wade or go around, and the old ferryman sizes up the wagon load + that wants to cross, and takes all they have got loose, and then the + travelers are ahead of the game, cause if they didn't cross the stream + they would have to camp on the bank until the stream dried up. Some day an + earthquake will split that desert wide open and the water in the Suez + canal will soak into the sand and the steamboats will lay in the mud, and + be covered with a sand storm, and future ages will be discovering full + rigged ships down deep on the desert. Dad says we better sell our stock in + the canal and buy air ship stock. And talk about business, there is more + tonnage goes through the Soo canal, between Michigan and Canada than goes + through the Suez and we don't howl about it very much. + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, I have studied Gibraltar in my geography, and read about it in + the papers, and seen its pictures in advertisements, but never realized + what a big thing it was. Now, who ever thought of putting that enormous + rock right there on that prairie, but God. I suppose the English, when + they saw that rock, thought the good Lord had put it there for the English + to drill holes in, for guns, and when the Lord was busy somewhere else, + the English smoughed the rock away from Spain, by playing a game with + loaded dice, and when England got it, that country decided to arm it like + a train robber, and hold up the other nations of the earth. When a vessel + passes that rock it has to hold up its hands and salute the British flag, + or get a mess of hardware fired into its vital parts, but that is all it + amounts to, cause it couldn't win any battle for England, and could only + sink trading vessels. The walls of the rock are perforated from top to + bottom, with holes big enough for guns to squirt smoke and shells, but if + the enemy should stay away from right in front of the holes, they might + shoot till doomsday and never hit anything but fishing smacks and peddlers + of oranges. Gibraltar is like a white elephant in a zoological garden. It + just eats and keeps off the flies with its short tail, and visitors feed + it peanuts and wonder what it was made for, and how much hay it eats. + Gibraltar is like a twenty-dollar gold piece that a man carries in his + watch pocket for an emergency, which he never intends to spend until he + gets in the tightest place of his life, and it wears out one pocket after + another, and some day drops through on to the sidewalk, and a tramp finds + it and goes on a bat and gets the worth of his money, and has a good time, + if he saves enough to buy a bromo seltzer the next morning after. It is + like the Russian war chest, that is never to be opened as long as they can + borrow money. If Gibraltar could be put on castors, and rolled around from + one country to another, England could whip all Europe and Asia. It would + be a Tro Jane horse on a larger scale, and be a terror; but, say, if it + got to America we wouldn't do a thing to it. We would run a standpipe up + the side, and connect it with an oil pipe line, fill Gibraltar's tunnels + and avenues, and magazines and barracks with crude oil, and touch a match + to it, and not an Englishman would live to tell about it. Gee, but I would + be sorry for the Irish soldiers, but I guess they wouldn't be there, cause + they wouldn't fight America. Well, if England ever has a big war, and she + gets chesty about Gibraltar, and says it is impregnable, and defies the + world to take it, I bet you ten dollars it could be taken in twenty-four + hours. If I was a general, or an admiral, I would have about forty tank + steamers, loaded with kerosene, and have them land, innocent like, right + up beside Gibraltar, ostensibly to sell oil for perfumery to the natives, + who would all be improved by using kerosene on their persons. Then I would + get on a barrel, on deck of my flag ship, and command the English general + to surrender unconditionally, and if he refused I would set a slow match + on every oil vessel, and have the crews get in skiffs and pull for the + opposite shore, and when the oil got on fire, and rolled up all over + Gibraltar, and burned every living thing, I would throw water from a fire + department boat on the rock, and she would split open and roll all + over-the prairie, and then I would bury the cremated dead out on the + desert, and seek other worlds to conquer, like Alexander the Great. But + don't be afraid. I won't do it unless they make me mad, but you watch my + smoke if they pick on your little Hennery too much, when he grows up. + </p> + <p> + But I haven't got any kick coming about Gibraltar, cause they treated dad + and I all right, and the commander detailed an ensign to show us all + through the fortress. Now don't get an ensign mixed up with a unique, such + as showed us through the Turkish harem. An English ensign is just as + different from a Turkish unique as you can imagine. Every man to his + place. You couldn't teach a Turkish unique how to show visitors around an + English fortress, and an English ensign in a Turkish harem would bring on + a world's war, they are so different. Well, wc went through tunnels in the + rock, and up and down elevators, and all was light as day from electric + lights, and we saw ammunition enough to sink all the ships in the world, + if it could be exploded in the right place, and they have provisions + enough stored in the holes in the rock to keep an army for forty years if + they didn't get ptomaine poisoned from eating canned stuff. It was all a + revelation to dad, and when we got all through, and got out into the + sunlight, we breathed free, and when clad got his second wind he broke up + the English officers by taking out a pencil and piece of paper, and asked + them what they would take for the rock and its contents, and move out, and + let the American flag float over it. Well, say, they were hot, and they + told dad to go plum to 'ell, but dad wouldn't do it. He said America + didn't want the old stone quarry, anyway, and if it did it could come and + take it. I guess they would have had dad arrested for treason, only when + we got out into the town there was the whole British Atlantic squadron + lined up, with the men up in the rigging like monkeys, and every vessel + was firing a salute, as a yacht came steaming by. Dad thought war had + surely broke out, or that some rich American owned the yacht, but it + turned out to be Queen Alexandria and a party of tourists, and when the + band played “God Save the Queen,” dad got up on his hind legs and sang so + loud you would think he would split hisself, and a fellow went up and + threw his arms around dad, and began to weep, and the tears came in dad's + eyes, and another fellow pinched dad's watch, and the celebration closed + with everybody getting drunk, and the queen sailed away. Say, we are going + to Spain, on the next boat, and you watch the papers. We will probably be + hung for taking Cuba and the Phillipines. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0085" id="linkimage-0085"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/333.jpg" + alt="Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would Split Hisself 333 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes of Spain—They Call on the King And the + Bad Boy is at it Once More—They See a Bull Fight and Dad + Does a Turn. +</pre> + <p> + Madrid, Spain.—My Dear Uncle: You probably think we are taking our + lives in our hands by coming to Spain, so soon after the Cuban war, in + which President Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill, in the face of over + thirty bloodthirsty Spaniards, and captured the blockhouse on the summit + of the hill, which was about as big as a switchman's shanty, and wouldn't + hold two platoons of infantry, of twelve men to the platoon, without + crowding, and which closed the war, after the navy had everlastingly + paralyzed the Spanish vessels, and sunk them in wet water, and picked up + the crews and run them through clothes-wringers to dry them out; but we + are as safe here as we would be on South Clark street, in Chicago. Do you + know, when I read of that charge of our troops up San Juan hill, headed by + our peerless bear-hunter, I thought it was like the battle of Gettysburg, + where hundreds of thousands of men fought on each side, and I classed + Roosevelt with Grant, Sheridan, Sherman, Meade and Thomas, and all that + crowd, but one day I got talking with a veteran of the Spanish-American + war, who promptly deserted after every pay day, and re-enlisted after he + had spent his money, and he didn't do a thing to my ideas of the + importance of that battle. He told me it was only a little skirmish, like + driving in a picket post, and that there were not Spaniards enough there + to have a roll call, not so many Spanish soldiers as there were American + newspaper correspondents on our side, that only a few were killed and + wounded, and that a dozen soldiers in an army wagon could have driven up + San Juan hill with firecrackers and scared the Spaniards out of the + country, and that a part of a negro regiment did pretty near all the + shooting, while our officers did the yelling, and had their pictures + taken, caught in the act. So I have quit talking of the heroism of our + army in Cuba, because it makes everybody laugh and they speak of Shaffer + and Roosevelt, and hunch up their shoulders, and say, “bah,” but when you + talk about the navy, and Schley, and Sampson, and Clark, and Bob Evans, + they take off their hats and their faces are full of admiration, and they + say, “magnificent,” and ask you to take a drink. Gee, but dad got his foot + in it by talking about the blowing up of the Maine, and looking saucy, as + though he was going to get even with the Spaniards, but he found that + every Spaniard was as sorry for that accident as we were, and they would + take off their hats when the Maine was mentioned, and look pained and + heart-sick. I tell you the Spaniards are about as good people as you will + find anywhere, and dad has concluded to fall back on Christopher Columbus + for a steady diet of talk, cause if it had not been for Chris we wouldn't + have been discovered to this day, which might have been a darn good thing + for us. But the people here do not recall the fact that there ever was a + man named Christopher Columbus, and they don't know what he ever + discovered, or where the country is that he sailed away to find, unless + they are educated, and familiar with ancient history, and only once in a + while will you find anybody that is educated. The children of America know + more about the history of Spain than the Spanish children. This country + reminds you of a play on the stage, the grandees in their picturesque + costumes, though few in number, compared to the population, are the whole + thing, and the people you see on the stage with the grandees, in peasant + costume, peddling oranges and figs, you find here in the life of Spain, + looking up to the grandees as though they were gods. Every peasant carries + a knife in some place, concealed about him, and no two carry their toad + stabbers in the same place. If you see a man reach his finger under his + collar to scratch his neck, the chances are his fingers touch the handle + of his dagger, and if he hitches up his pants, his dagger is there, and if + he pulls up his trousers leg to scratch for a flea, you can bet your life + his knife is right handy, and if you have any trouble you don't know where + the knife is coming from, as you do about an American revolver, when one + of our citizens reaches for his pistol pocket. Spaniards are nervous + people, on the move all the time, and it is on account of fleas. Every + man, woman and child contains more than a million fleas, and as they can't + scratch all the time, they keep on the move, hoping the fleas will jump + off on somebody else. When we came here we were flealess, but every person + we have come near to seems to have contributed some fleas to us, until now + we are loaded down with them, and we find in our room at the hotel a box + of insect powder, which, is charged in with the candles. The king, who is + a boy about three years older than I am, is full of fleas, too, and he + jumps around from one place to another, like he was shaking himself to get + rid of them. He gets up in the morning and goes out horseback riding, and + jumps fences and rides tip and down the marble steps of the public + buildings, as though he wanted to make the fleas feel in danger, so they + will leave him. Seems to me if every man kept as many dogs as they do in + Constantinople, the fleas would take to the dogs, but they say here that + fleas will leave a dog to get on a human being, because they like the + smell of garlic, as every Spaniard eats garlic a dozen times a day. They + are trying to teach dogs to eat garlic, but no self-respecting dog will + touch it. We have had to fill up on garlic in order to be able to talk + with the people, cause dad got sea sick the first day here, everybody + smelled so oniony. Dad wanted a druggist to put up onions in capsules, + like they do quinine, so he could take onions and not taste them, but he + couldn't make the man understand. There ought to be a law against any + person eating onions, unless he is under a death sentence. But you can + stand a man with the onion habit, after you get used to it. It is a woman, + a beautiful woman, one you would like to have take you on your lap and pet + you, that ought to know better than to eat onions. Gee, but when you see a + woman that is so beautiful it makes her ache to carry her beauty around, + and you get near to her and expect to breathe the odor of roses and + violets, that makes you tired when she opens her mouth to say soft words + of love, and there comes to your nostrils the odor of onions. Do you know, + nothing would make me commit suicide so quick as to have a wife who + habitually loaded herself with onions. Dad was buying some candy for me at + a confectioner shop, of a beautiful Spanish woman, and when he asked how + much it was, she bent over towards him in the most bewitching manner and + breathed in his face and said, “Quatro-realis, seignor,” which meant “four + bits, mister,” and he handed her a five-dollar gold piece, and went + outdoors for a breath of fresh air, and let her keep the change. He said + she was welcome to the four dollars and fifty cents if she would not + breathe towards him again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0086" id="linkimage-0086"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/339.jpg" alt="Breathed in his Face 339 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, we have taken in the town, looked at the cathedrals, attended the + sessions of the cortez, and thew gambling houses, saw the people sell the + staple products of the country, which are prunes, tomatoes and wine. The + people do not care what happens as long as they have a quart of wine. In + some countries the question of existence is bread, but in Spain it is + wine. No one is so poor they cannot have poor wine, and with wine nothing + else is necessary, but a piece of cheese and bread helps the wine some, + though either could be dispensed with. In some countries “wine, women and + song” are all that is necessary to live. Here it is wine, cheese and an + onion. We went to see the king, because he is such a young boy, and dad + thought it would encourage the ruler to see an American statesman, and to + mingle with an American boy who could give him cards and spades, and + little casino, and beat him at any game. I made dad put on a lot of badges + we had collected in our town when there were conventions held there, and + when they were all pinned on dad's breast he looked like an admiral. There + was a badge of Modern Woodmen, one of the Hardware Dealers' Association, + one of the Wholesale Druggists, one of the Amalgamated Association of + Railway Trainmen, one of the Farmers' Alliance, one of the Butter and + Cheese-men's Convention, one of the State Undertakers' Guild, and half a + dozen others in brass, bronze and tin, on various colored ribbons. Say, do + you know, when they ushered us into the throne room at the palace, and the + little king, who looked like a student in the high school, with dyspepsia + from overstudy and cake between meals, saw dad, he thought he was the most + distinguished American he had ever seen, and he invited dad up beside him + on the throne, and dad sat in the chair that the queen will sit in when + the boy king gets married, and I sat down on a front seat and watched dad. + Dad had read in the papers that the boy king wanted to marry an American + girl who was the possessor of a lot of money, so dad began to tell the + king of girls in America that were more beautiful than any in the world, + and had hundreds of millions of cold dollars, and an appetite for raw + kings, and that he could arrange a match for the king that would make him + richer than any king on any throne. The boy king was becoming interested, + and I guess dad would have had him married off all right, if the king had + not seen me take out a bag of candy and begin to eat, when he said to me, + “Come up here, Bub, and give me some of that.” Gosh, but I trembled like a + leaf, but I went right up the steps of the throne and handed him the bag, + and said, “Help yourself, Bub.” Well, sir, the queerest thing happened. I + had bought two pieces of candy filled with cayenne pepper, for April fool, + and the king handed the bag to the master of ceremonies, a big Spaniard + all covered over with gold lace, and if you will believe me the king got + one piece of the cayenne pepper candy, and that spangled prime minister + got the other, and the king chewed his piece first, and he opened his + mouth like a dog that has picked up a hot boiled egg and he blew out his + breath to cool his tongue and said, “Whoosh,” and strangled, and + sputtered, and then the prime minister he got his, and he yelled murder in + Spanish, and the king called for water, and put his hands on his stomach + and had a cramp, and the other man he tied himself up in a double bowknot, + and called for a priest, and the king said he would have to go to the + chapel, and the fellows who were guarding the king took him away, + breathing hard, and red in the face, and dad said to me, “What the bloody + hell you trying to do with the crowned heads? Cause you have poisoned the + whole bunch, and we better get out.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0087" id="linkimage-0087"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/347.jpg" + alt="The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne Pepper Candy 347 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + So we went out of the palace while the king's retainers were filling him + with ice water. Well, they got the cayenne pepper out of him, because we + saw him at the bull fight in the afternoon, but for a while he had the + hottest box there ever was outside of a freight train, and if he lives to + be as old as Mr. Methuselah he will always remember his interview with + little Hennery. The bull fights ain't much. Bulls come in the ring mad as + wet hens, cause they stick daggers in them, and they bellow around, and + the Spaniards dodge and shake red rags at them, and after a bull has + ripped a mess of bowels out of a few horses, then a man with a saber stabs + the bull between the shoulders, and he drops dead, and the crowd cheers + the assassin of the bull, and they bring in another bull. Well, sir, dad + came mighty near his finish at the bull fight. When the second bull came + in, and ripped the stomach out of a blind horse, and the bull was just + charging the man who was to stab it, dad couldn't stand it any longer and + he climbed right over into the ring, and he said: “Look a here, you + heathen; I protest, in the name of the American Humane Society, against + this cruelty to animals, and unless this business stops right here I will + have this place pulled, and———” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0088" id="linkimage-0088"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/343.jpg" alt="Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, sir, you would of thought that bull would have had sense enough to + see that dad was his friend, but he probably couldn't understand what dad + was driving at, for he made a rush for dad, and dad started to run for the + fence, and the bull caught dad just like dad was sitting in a rocking + chair, and tossed him over the fence, and dad's pants stayed on the bull's + horns, and dad landed in amongst a lot of male and female grandees and + everybody yelled, “Bravo, Americano,” and the police wrapped a blanket + around dad's legs and were going to take him to the emergency hospital, + but I claimed dad, and took him to the hotel. Dad is ready to come home + now. He says he is through. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0089" id="linkimage-0089"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/349.jpg" alt="Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns 349 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin—They Call on Emperor + William and his Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them + All. +</pre> + <p> + Berlin, Germany.—My Dear Old Pummer-nickel: Now we have got pretty + near home, and you would enjoy it to be with us, because you couldn't tell + the town from Milwaukee, except for the military precision with which + everything is conducted, where you never take a glass of beer without + cracking your heels together like a soldier, and giving a military salute + to the bartender, who is the commander-in-chief of all who happen to + patronize his bar. Everybody here acts like he was at a picnic in the + woods, with a large barrel of beer, with perspiration oozing down the + outside, and a spigot of the largest size, which fills a schooner at one + turn of the wrist, and every man either smiles or laughs out loud, and you + feel as though there was happiness everywhere, and that heaven was right + here in this greatest German city. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0090" id="linkimage-0090"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/353.jpg" alt="There is Laughter Everywhere 353 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + There is laughter everywhere, except when the Emperor drives by, escorted + by his bodyguard, on the finest horses in the world; then every citizen on + the street stops smiling and laughing; all stand at attention, and every + face takes on a solemn, patriotic, almost a fighting look, as though each + man would consider it his happiest duty and pleasure to walk right up to + the mouth of cannon and die in his tracks for his pale-faced, haggard and + loved Emperor. And the Emperor never smiles on his subjects as he passes, + but looks into every eye on both sides of the beautiful street, with an + expression of agony on his face, but a proud light in his eye, as though + he would say, “Ach, Gott, but they are daisies, and they would fight for + the Fatherland with the last breath in their bodies.” + </p> + <p> + The pride of the people in that moustached young man, with the look of + suffering, is only equalled by the pride of the Emperor in every German in + Germany, or anywhere on the face of the globe. There is none of the + “Hello, Bill!” such as we have in America, when the President drives + through his people, many of whom yell, “Hello, Teddy!” while he shows his + teeth, and laughs, and stands up in his carriage, and says, “Hello, Mike,” + as he recognizes an acquaintance. But these same “Hello, Bill,” Americans + are probably just as loyal to their chief, whoever he may be, and would + fight as hard as the loving Germans would for their hereditary Emperor. + </p> + <p> + I suppose there is somebody working in Berlin, but it seems to us that the + whole population, so far as can be seen, is bent on enjoying every minute, + walking the streets, in good clothes, giving military salutes, and + drinking beer between meals, and talking about what Germany would do to an + enemy if the ever-present chip on the shoulder should be knocked off, even + accidentally. But they all seem to love America, and when we registered at + the hotel, from Milwaukee, Wis., U. S. A., citizens began to gather around + us and ask about relatives at our home. They seem to think that every + German who has settled in Milwaukee owns a brewery, and that all are rich, + and that some day they will come back to Germany and spend the money, and + fight for the Emperor. + </p> + <p> + We did not have the heart to tell them that all the Germans in Milwaukee + were going to stay there and spend their money, and while their hearts + were still warm towards the Fatherland, they loved the Stars and Stripes, + and would fight for the American flag, against the world, and that the + younger Germans spoke the German language, if it all, with a Yankee + accent. Gee, but wouldn't the people of Berlin be hot under the collar if + they knew how many Germans in America were unfamiliar with the make-up of + the German flag, and that they only see it occasionally when some + celebration of German days takes place. + </p> + <p> + Well, when dad saw the German Emperor drive down the great street, and got + a look at his face, he said, “Hennery, I have got to see that young man + and advise him to go and consult a doctor,” and so we made arrangements to + go to the Palace and see the Emperor and his son, the Crown Prince, who + will before long take the empire on his shoulders, if William is as sick + as he looks. You don't have to hire any masquerade clothes to call on the + Emperor of Germany, like you do when you visit royalty in Turkey and + Egypt, for a good frock coat and a silk hat will take you anywhere in the + day time, and a swallowtail is legal tender at night; so dad put on his + frock coat and silk hat, just as he would to go and attend an afternoon + wedding at home, and we were ushered in to a regular parlor, where the + Emperor was having fun with his children, and the Empress was doing some + needlework. + </p> + <p> + Dad supposed we would have to talk to the Emperor and the Prince through + an interpreter, and we stood there waiting for some one to break the ice, + when some one told the Emperor that an American gentleman and his boy + wanted to pay their respects, and the Emperor, who wore an ordinary dark + suit, with no military frills, took one of the young Princes he had been + playing with across his knee and gave him a couple of easy spanks, in fun, + and the whole family was laughing, and the spanked boy “tackled” the + Emperor around the legs, below the knee, like a football player, and the + other Princes pulled him off, and the Emperor came up to dad, smiling as + though he was having the time of his life, and spoke to dad in the purest + English, and said he was glad to see the “Bad Boy” man, because he had + read all about the pranks of the Bad Boy, and bid dad welcome to Germany, + and he didn't look sick at all. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0091" id="linkimage-0091"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/357.jpg" + alt="And So This is the Champion Little Devil of America 357 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad was taken all of a heap, and didn't know what to make of the German + Emperor talking English, but when the ruler of Germany turned to me and + said, “And so this is the champion little devil of America,” and patted me + on the head, dad felt that he had struck a friend of the family, and he + sat down with the Emperor and talked for half an hour, while the young + Princes gathered around me, and we sat down on the floor and the boys got + out their knives, and we played mumbletypeg on the carpet, just as though + we were at home, and all the boys talked English, and we had a bully time. + The princes had all read “Peck's Bad Boy” and I think the Emperor and + Empress have encouraged them in their wickedness, for the boys told me of + several tricks they had played on their father, the Emperor, which they + had copied from the Bad Boy, and it made me blush when they told of + initiating their father into the Masons, the way my chum and I initiated + dad into the Masons with the aid of a goat. + </p> + <p> + I asked the boys how their dad took it, and told them from what we in + America heard about the Emperor of Germany, we would think he would kill + anybody that played a trick on him; but they said he would stand anything + from the children, and enjoy it; but if grown men attempted to monkey with + him, the fur would fly. The Crown Prince came in and was introduced to me, + and he seemed proud to see me, cause his uncle, Prince Henry, had told him + about being in Milwaukee, and how all the women in that town were the + handsomest he had ever seen in his trip around the world, and he asked me + if it was so. I referred him to dad, and dad told him the women were the + greatest in the world, and then dad made his usual break. He said: “Look + ahere, Mister Prince, you have got to be married some day, and raise a + family to hand the German empire down to, and my advice to you is not to + let them saw off on to you no duchess or princess as homely as a hedge + fence, with no ginger in her blood, but you skip out to America, and come + to Milwaukee, and I will introduce you to girls that are so handsome they + will make you toe the mark, and if you marry one of them she will raise a + family of healthy young royalty with no humor in the blood, and you won't + have to go off and be gay away from home, cause an American wife will take + you by the ear if you show any signs of wandering from your own fireside, + like lots of your relatives have done.” + </p> + <p> + Gee, but that made the Emperor hot, and he said dad needn't instill any of + his American ideas into the German nobility, as he could run things all + right without any help, and dad got ready to go, cause the atmosphere was + getting sort of chilly, but the Emperor soon got over his huff, and told + dad not to hurry, and then he turned to me and said, “Now, little American + Bad Boy, what kind of a trick are you going to play on me, 'cause from + what I have read of you I know you will never go out of this house without + giving me a benefit, and all my boys expect it, and will enjoy it, the + same as I will; now, let 'er go.” + </p> + <p> + I felt that it was up to me to do something to maintain the reputation I + had made, so I said, “Your majesty, I will now proceed to make it + interesting for you, if you and the boys will kindly be seated in a circle + around me.” They got into a circle, all laughing, and I took out of my + pistol pocket a half pint flask, of glass, covered with leather, and with + a stopper that opened by touching a spring, and I walked around in front + of each one of the Royal family, mumbling, “Ene-mene-mony-my,” and opening + the flask in front of each one, and pretty soon they all began to get + nervous, and scratch themselves, and the Emperor slapped his leg, and + pinched his arm, and put his fingers down his collar and scratched his + neck, and the Crown Prince jumped up and kicked his leg, and scratched his + back, and said, “Say, kid, you are not hypnotizing us, are you?” and I + said, “Ene-meny-mony-my,” and kept on touching the stopper. + </p> + <p> + By and by they all got to scratching, and the Emperor turned sort of pale, + but he was going to see the show through to the end, as long as he had a + ticket, and he said, “What is the joke, anyway?” and I kept on saying, + “Ene-mene-mony-my,” and walking around in front of them, and dad began to + dance around, too, and dig under his shirt bosom, and scratch his leg, and + then they all scratched in unison, and laughed, and a little prince asked + how long before they would know what it was all about, and I said my + ene-mene, and looked solemn, and dad said, “What you giving us?” and I + said, “Never you mind; this is my show, and I am the whole push,” and + everybody had raised up out of his chair and each was scratching for all + that was out, and finally the Emperor said, “I like a joke as well as + anybody, but I can't laugh until I know what I am laughing about,” and he + told dad to make me show what was in the bottle, and I showed the bottle + and there was nothing in it, and there they stood scratching themselves, + and I told dad we better excuse ourselves and go, and we were going all + right enough when dad said, “What is it you are doing?” and as we got + almost to the door I said, “Your majesty, I have distributed, impartially, + I trust, in the Royal family of Germany, a half a pint of the hungriest + fleas that Egypt can produce, for they have been in that flask three + weeks, with nothing to eat except themselves, and I estimate that there + were a million Cairo fleas in the flask, enough to set up housekeeping in + your palace, with enough to stock the palace of your Crown Prince when he + is married, and this is that you may remember the visit of Peck's Bad Boy + and his Dad.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0092" id="linkimage-0092"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/364.jpg" + alt="Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and Scratched his Back 364 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + The Emperor was mad at first, but he laughed, and when we got out of the + palace dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back, and said to + me, “Hennery, you never ought to have did it,” and I said, “What could a + poor boy do when called upon suddenly to do something to entertain + royalty?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says dad, “I don't care for myself, but this thing is apt to bring + on international complications,” and I said, “Yes, it will bring Persia + into it, cause they will have to use Persian insect powder to get rid of + them,” and then we went to our hotel and fought fleas all night, and + thought of the sleepless night the royal family were having. + </p> + <p> + Well, so long, old Pummernickel. + </p> + <p> + Your only, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels—He and Dad see the Field + of Waterloo and call on King Leopold and Dad and the King go + in for a Swim—The Bad Boy, a Dog and some Goats do the + rest. +</pre> + <p> + Brussels, Belgium.—Dear Old Skate: “What is the matter with our + going to Belgium?” said dad to me, as we were escaping from Germany. + “Well, what in thunder do we want to go to Belgium for?” said I to dad. “I + do not want to go to a country that has no visible means of support, + except raising Belgian hares, to sell to cranks in America. I couldn't eat + rabbits without thinking I was chewing a piece of house cat, and rabbits + is the chief food of the people. I have eaten horse and mule in Paris, and + wormy figs in Turkey, and embalmed beef fried in candle grease in Russia, + and sausage in Germany, imported from the Leutgart sausage factory in + Chicago, where the man run his wife through a sausage machine; and stuff + in Egypt, with ground mummy for curry powder, but I draw the line on + Belgian hares, and I strike right here, and shall have the International + Union of Amalgamated Tourists declare a boycott on Belgium, by gosh,” said + I, just like that, bristling up to dad real spunky. + </p> + <p> + “You are going to Belgium all right,” said dad, as he took hold of my + thumb in a Jiu Jitsu fashion, and twisted it backwards until I fairly + penuked, and held it, while he said he should never dare go home without + visiting King Leopold's kingdom, and had a talk with an eighty-year-old + male flirt, who had a thousand chorus girls on his staff, and could give + the Sultan of Turkey cards and spades and little casino in the harem game. + “You will go along, won't you, bub?” and he gave my thumb another twist, + and I said, “You bet your life, but I won't do a thing to you and Leopold + before we get out of the Belgian hare belt,” and so here we are, looking + for trouble. + </p> + <p> + It is strange we never hear more about Belgium in America, but actually I + never heard of a Belgian settling in the United States. There are Irish, + and Germans, and Norwegians, and Italians, and men of all other countries, + but I never saw a Belgian until to-day, and it does you good to see a + people who don't do anything but work. There is not a loafer in Belgium, + and every man has smut on his nose, and his hands are black with handling + iron, or something. There is no law against people going away from + Belgium, but they all like it here, and seem to think there is no other + country, and they are happy, and work from choice. + </p> + <p> + “Began to sell dad relics of the Battle of Waterloo.” + </p> + <p> + I always knew the Belgian guns that sell in America for twelve shillings, + and kill at both ends, but I never knew they made things here that were + worth anything, but dad says they are better fixed here for making + everything used by civilized people than any country on earth, and I am + glad to be here, cause you get notice when you are going to be robbed. + They ring a bell here every minute to give you notice that some one is + after the coin, so when you hear a bell ring, if you hang onto your + pocketbook, you don't lose. + </p> + <p> + This is the place where “There was a sound of revelry at night, and + Belgium's capitol had gathered there.” You remember, the night before the + Battle of Waterloo, when Napoleon Bonaparte got his. You must remember + about it, old man, just when they were right in the midst of the dance, + and “soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again,” and they were + taking a champagne bath, inside and out, when suddenly the opening guns of + Waterloo, twelve miles away, began to boom, and the poet, who was present, + said, “But hush, hark, a deep sound like a rising knell,” and everybody + turned pale and began to stampede, when the floor manager said, “'Tis but + the wind, or the car on the stony street, on with the dance, let joy be + unconfined, no sleep till morn, when youth and pleasure meet, to chase the + glowing hours with flying feet.” + </p> + <p> + Well, sir, this is the place where that ball took place, which is + described in the piece I used to speak in school, but I never thought I + would be here, right where the dancers got it in the neck. When dad found + that the battlefield of Waterloo was only a few miles away, he hired a + wagon and we went out there. Well, sir, of all the frauds we have run + across on this trip the battlefield of Waterloo is the worst. When the + farmers who are raising barley and baled hay on the battlefield, saw us + coming, they dropped their work and made a rush for us, and one fellow + yelled something in the Belgian language that sounded like, “I saw them + first,” and he got hold of dad and me, and the rest stood off like a lot + of hack drivers that have seen a customer fall into the hands of another + driver, and made up faces at us, and called the farmer who had caught us + the vilest names. They said we would be skinned to a finish by the faker + who got us, and they were right. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0093" id="linkimage-0093"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/368.jpg" alt="368 Began to Sell Things To Dad " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + He showed us from a high hill, where the different portions of the battle + were fought, and where they caught Napoleon Bonaparte, and where Blucher + came up and made things hum in the German language, and then he took us + off to his farm where the most of the relics were found, and began to sell + things to dad, until he had filled the hind end of the wagon with bullets + and grape-shot, sabres and bayonets, old rusty rifles, and everything dad + wanted, and we had enough to fill a museum, and when the farmer had got + dad's money we went back to Brussels, and got our stuff unloaded at the + hotel. Say, when we came to look it over we found two rusty Colt's + revolvers, and guns of modern construction, which have been bought on + battlefields in all countries, and properly rusted to sell to tourists. I + showed dad that the revolver was unknown at the time of the battle of + Waterloo, and that every article he had bought was a fraud, the sabers + having been made in America, before the war of the rebellion, and dad was + mad, and gave the stuff to the porter of the hotel, who charged dad seven + dollars for taking it away. + </p> + <p> + Dad kept one three-cornered hat that the farmer told him Bonaparte lost + when his horse stampeded with him, and it drifted under a barbed wire + fence, where it had lain until the day before we visited the battlefield. + Say, that hat is as good as new, and dad says it is worth all the stuff + cost, but I would not be found dead wearing it, cause it is all out of + style. + </p> + <p> + We have seen the King of Belgium, and actually got the worth of our money. + He is an old dandy, and looks like a Philadelphia Quaker, only he is not + as pious as a Quaker. Dad wrote to the King and said he was a + distinguished American, traveling for his health, and had a niece who had + frequently visited Belgium with an opera company, and she had spoken of + the King, and dad wanted to talk over matters that might be of interest + both to Belgium and to America. Well, the messenger came back and said dad + couldn't get to the palace a minute too quick, and so we went over, and as + we were going through the park we saw an old man, in citizen's clothes, + sitting on a bench, patting the head of a boar hound, and when he saw us + he said, “Come here, Uncle Sam, and let my dog chew your pants.” Dad + thought it must be some lunatic, and was going to make a sneak, and get + out, when the man rose up and we saw it was the King, and we went up to + him and sat down on the bench, and he asked dad if he had come as the + relative of the opera singer, to commence suit against the King for breach + of promise, or to settle for a money consideration, remarking that he had + always rather pay cash than to have any fuss made about these little + matters. Dad told him he had no claim against him for alienating anybody's + affections, or for breach of promise, and that all he wanted was to have a + little talk with the King, and find out how a King lived, and how he had + any fun in running the king business, at his age, and they sat down and + began to talk as friendly as two old chums, while the dog played tag with + me. We found that the King was a regular boy, and that instead of his mind + being occupied by affairs of state, or his African concessions in the + Congo country, where he owns a few million slaves who steal ivory for him, + and murder other tribes, he was enjoying life just as he did when he was a + barefooted boy, fishing for perch at the old mill pond, and when he + mentioned his career as a boy, and his enjoyments, dad told about his + youth, and how he never got so much pleasure in after life as he did when + he had a stone bruise on his heel, and went off into the woods and cut a + tamarack pole and caught sunfish till the cows came home. + </p> + <p> + The King brightened up and told dad he had a pond in the palace grounds, + stocked with old-fashioned fish, and every day he took off his shoes and + rolled up his pants, and with nothing on but a shirt and pants held up by + one suspender of striped bed ticking, he went out in a boat and fished as + he did when a boy, with a bent pin for a hook, and he was never so happy + as when so engaged, and they could all have their grand functions, and + balls, and dinners, and Turkish baths, if they wanted them, but give him + the old swimming hole. “Me, too,” said dad, and as dad looked down into + the park he saw a little lake, and dad held up two fingers, just as boys + do when they mean to say, “Come on, let's go in swimming,” and the King + said, “I'll go you,” and they locked arms and started through the woods to + the little lake, and the dog and I followed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0094" id="linkimage-0094"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/372.jpg" + alt="Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That Swimming Place 372 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Well, sir, you'd a dide to see dad and Leopold make a rush for that + swimming place. The King put his hand in the water, and said it was fine, + and began to peel his clothes off, and dad took off his clothes and the + King made a jump and went in all over, and came up with his eyes full of + water, strangling because he did not hold his nose, and then dad made a + leap and splashed the water like an elephant had fallen in, and there + those two old men were in the lake, just like kids. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0095" id="linkimage-0095"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/378.jpg" + alt="I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side 378 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I'll swim you a match to the other side,” said the King. “It's a go,” + said dad, and they started porpoising across the little lake, and then I + thought it was time there was something doing; so I got busy and tied + their clothes in knots so tight you couldn't get them untied without an + act of parliament. They went ashore on the opposite side of the lake, + cause some women were driving through the grounds, and then I found a + flock of goats grazing on the lawn, and the dog and I drove them to where + the clothes were tied in knots, and when the goats began to chew the + clothes I took the dog and went back to the entrance of the park, and dad + and the King swam back to where the clothes and the goats were, and when + they drove the goats away, and couldn't untie the knots, the King gave the + grand hailing sign of distress, or something, and the guards of the palace + and some cavalry came on the run, and the park seemed filled with an army, + and I bid the dog good-bye, and went back to the hotel alone and waited + for dad. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0096" id="linkimage-0096"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/375.jpg" + alt="When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes 375 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + Dad didn't get back till after dark, and when he came he had on a suit of + the King's clothes, too tight around the stomach, and too long in the + legs, cause dad is pusey, and the King is long-geared. “Did you have a + good time, dad?” says I, and he said, “Haven't you got any respect for + age, condemn you? The King has ordered that you be fed to the animals in + the zoo.” I told him I didn't care a darn what they did with me; I had + been brought up to tie knots in clothes when I saw people in swimming, and + I didn't care whether they were crowned heads or just plain dubs, and I + asked dad how they got along when their clothes were chewed up. He said + the soldiers covered them with pouches and got them to the palace, and + they had supper, he and the King, and the servants brought out a lot of + clothes and he got the best fit he could. I asked him if the King was + actually mad, and he said no, that he always enjoyed such things, and + wanted dad and I to come the next day and go fishing with him, barefooted. + Say, dad can go, but I wouldn't be caught by that King on a bet. He would + get even, sure, cause he has a look in his eye like they have in a + sanitarium. Not any king business for your little Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter about Holland and Cuba—Dad and + the Boy go for a Drive in a Dogcart—They have a Great Time— + Land in Cuba and See the Island t we Fought for. +</pre> + <p> + Havana, Cuba. My Dear Old Greaser: We stopped in Holland for a couple of + days after we left Belgium, and it was the most disappointing country we + visited on our whole trip. We expected to be walked on with wooden shoes, + and from what we had heard of that Duke that married Queen Wilhelmina, we + thought we were going to a country where men were cruel to their wives, + and swatted them over the head when things didn't go right, but when we + saw the queen riding with her husband, as free, from ostentation as a + department store clerk would ride out with his cash girl wife, and saw + happiness beaming on the face of the queen and her husband, and saw them + squeeze hands and look lovingly into each other's eyes, we made up our + minds that you couldn't believe these newspaper scandals. And when we saw + the broad-shouldered, broad-chested and broad-everywhere women of Holland + we concluded that it would be a brave or reckless husband who would be + unkind to one of them, and mighty dangerous because the women are stronger + than the men, and any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat, + because she could take off her wooden shoes and strike out and a man would + think he had been hit by a railroad tie. + </p> + <p> + Illustration: Any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat 388 + </p> + <p> + I do not know what makes Hollanders wear wooden shoes, unless they are + sentenced to do it, or that they are unruly, and have to be hobbled, to + keep them from jumping fences, but the people are so good and honest that + after you have met them you forget the vaudeville feature of their + costumes, and love them, and wish the people of other countries were as + honest as they. For two or three days we were not robbed, and I do not + believe there is a dishonest man or woman in Holland, except one. There + was one woman that played it on dad in Amsterdam, but I think she only + played him for a sucker for a joke, for she laughed all the time. + </p> + <p> + Dad was much struck at seeing the women selling milk from little carts, + hauled by teams of big dogs, and he negotiated with a woman for a dog team + and cart, and all one day dad and I put on wooden shoes, and Dutch clothes + and drove the dog team around town, and we had the time of our lives, more + fun than I ever had outside of a circus, but the shoes skinned our feet, + and when the dogs laid down to rest, and dad couldn't talk dog language to + make them get up and go ahead, he kicked the off dog with his wooden shoe, + and the dog got up and grabbed a mouthful of dad's ample pants and shook + dad till his teeth were loose. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0097" id="linkimage-0097"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/386.jpg" + alt="Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants 386 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + A woman driving another mess of dogs had to come and choke the off dog so + he wouldn't swallow dad, pants and all. Dad gave her a dollar for rescuing + him, and what do you think? Say, she pulled an old stocking of money out + of her bosom and counted out ninety-six cents in change and gave it back + to dad, and only charged four cents for saving his life, and that couldn't + occur in any other country, cause in most places they would take the + dollar and strike him for more. + </p> + <p> + Dad wanted to take the dog team and cart to Milwaukee to give it to a + friend who sells red hot weiners, and so we arranged to have the team + loaded on the boat, but just before the boat sailed, the dog team was + lying down on the dock, sleeping and scratching flees, when the woman dad + bought the team of came along and spoke to the dogs in Dutch, and, say, + those dogs woke up and started on a regular runaway down the dock, after + the laughing woman, and disappeared up the street. Just as the boat + whistled to pull in the gang planks, dad and I stood on deck and saw the + team disappear, and dad said, “Buncoed again, by gosh, and it is all your + condemned fault. Why didn't you hang on to that off dog.” Well, we lost + our dog team, but we got the worth of our money, for we saw a people who + do not eat much beside cabbage and milk, and they are the strongest in the + world, and there never was a case of dyspepsia in their country. We saw a + people with stone bruises on their heels and corns on their toes, smiling + and laughing all the time. We met a people that work all the time, and + never take any recreation except churning and rocking babies, and yet + never have to call a doctor, because there are no doctors except + veterinary surgeons, who care for dogs and cattle. + </p> + <p> + The people we met in Holland wear wooden shoes to teach them patience and + humility. With wooden shoes no frenzied financier of Holland will ever + travel the fast road of speculation, slip on a bucket-shop banana peel, + and fall on the innocent bystander who has coughed up his savings and + given them to the honest financier to safely invest. + </p> + <p> + The bank of Holland is an old woolen stock ing, and money never comes out + of the stocking unless there is a string to it, and the string is the + heart string of an honest people, that will stand no trifling. If a + dishonest financier came to Holland from any other country, and did any of + his dirty work, the women of Holland, who handle the funds, would give him + such a hazing that he would never open his three-card monte lay-out in any + other country. + </p> + <p> + It is a country where you get the right change back, and the cows give + eighteen carat milk, and the hens have not learned to lay small, cold + storage eggs. It is the country for me, if the women would wear corsets, + and not be the same size all the way down, so that if you hugged a girl + you wouldn't make a dent in her, that would not come out until she got her + breath. + </p> + <p> + And we left such a country and such a people, to come here to Cuba, where + the population now comprises the meanest features of the desperate and + wicked Spaniards, beaten at their own game of loot, the trickiness of the + native Cuban, flushed with pride because his big American brother helped + him to drive away the Spaniard that he could never have gotten rid of + alone, and with no respect for the American who helped, and only meets him + respectfully because he is afraid of being thrown into the ocean if he is + impudent, and the worst class of Yankee grafters and highway robbers that + have ever been allowed to stray away from the land of the free. That is + what Cuba is to-day. + </p> + <p> + Soulless Yankee corporations have got hold of most of the branches of + business that there is any money in, and the things that do not pay and + never can be made to pay, are for sale to tenderfeet. The cuban hates the + Yankee, the Yankee hates the Cuban, and the Spaniard hates both, and both + hate him. In Havana your hotel, owned by a Cuban, run by a Yankee, with a + Spanish or Portuguese cashier, will take all the money you bring into it + for a bed at night, and hold your baggage till your can cable for money to + buy breakfast. It is a “free country,” of course, run by men who will fly + high as long as they can borrow money for some one else to pay after they + are dead, but within ten years the taxes will eat the people so they will + be head over heels in debt to the Yankee and the Spaniard, the German and + the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Italian, and some day warships will + sail into Havana harbor, over the submerged bones of the “Maine,” and + there will be a fight for juicy morsels of the Cuban dead horse, by the + congregated buzzards of strange navies, unless they shall shake the dice + for the carcass, and by carefully loading the dice saw the whole thing off + on to Uncle Sam, and make him pay the debts of the deceased republic, and + act as administrator for the benefit of the children of the sawed off + republic, whose only asset now is climate that feels good, but contains + germs of all diseases, and tobacco that smells good when it is in + conflagration under your nose, and does not kill instantly if it is pasted + up in a Wisconsin wrapper, that is the pure goods. If tobacco ever ceases + to be a fad with the rich consumer of fifty-cent cigars, and beet sugar is + found to contain no first aid to Bright's disease, Cuba will amount to + about as much as Dry Tortugas, which has purer air, and the Isle of Pines, + which has more tropical scenery and less yellow fever. But now the Island + of Cuba is a joy, and Havana is like Heaven, until you come to pay your + bill, when it is hell. Streets so wide you cannot see a creditor on the + other side, pavements as smooth as the road to perdition, and tropical + trees, plants and flowers, with birds of rare plumage, you feel like + sitting on a cold bench in the shade, and wishing all your friends were + here to enjoy a taste of what will come to those who are truly good, in + the hereafter, when suddenly you are taken with a chill up the spinal + column, and a cold sweat comes out on the forehead, and the internal + arrangements go on a strike because of the cold, perspiring cucumber you + had for lunch, and you go to the doctor, who does not do a thing to you, + but scare you out of your boots by talking of cholera, and giving you the + card of his partner, the undertaker, telling you never to think of dying + in a tropical country without being embalmed, because you look so much + better when you are delivered at your home by the express company, and + then he gives you pills and a bill, and an alarm clock that goes off every + hour to take a pill by, and furnishes you an officer to go home to your + hotel with you to collect his bill, and you pawn your watch and sleeve + buttons for a steerage ticket to New York, where you arrive as soon as the + Lord will let you, and stay as long as He thinks is good for you. + </p> + <p> + Dad has not been much good in Havana, cause he wanted to see the whole + business in one day. He got a row boat and went out in the harbor to where + the back-bone of the “Maine” acts as a monument to the fellows who yet + sleep in the mud of the bottom, and after tying a little American flag on + the rigging that sticks up above the water, and damning the villains who + blew up the good ship, we went back to town and drove out to the cemetery + where several hundred of our boys are buried, where we left flowers on the + graves and a cuss in the balmy air for the guilty wretches who fired the + bomb, and then we went back to the city and walked the beautiful streets, + until dad began to have cramps, from trying to eat all the fruit he could + hold, and then it was all off, and I was going to call a carriage to take + him to the hotel, when dad saw a negro astride a single ox, hitched to a + cart, who had come in from the country, and dad said he wanted to ride in + that cart, if it was the last act of his life, and as dad was beginning to + swell up from the fruit he had eaten, I thought he better ride in an open + cart, cause in a carriage he might swell up so we couldn't get him out of + the door when we got to the hotel, so I hired the negro, got dad in the + cart, and we started, but the ox walked so slow I was afraid we would + never get dad there alive, so I told the negro dad had the cholera, and + that settled, for he kicked the slats of the ox in with his heels, and the + ox bellowed and run away, and the negro turned pale from fright, and I + guess the runaway ride on the cobble stone pavement was what saved dad's + life, for the swelling in dad's inside began to go down, and when we got + to the hotel he got out of the cart alone, and I knew he was better, for + he shook himself, gulluped up wind, and said, “You think you are smart, + don't you?” So I will close. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + Hennery. + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0098" id="linkimage-0098"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/382.jpg" alt="The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. 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