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diff --git a/25489-0.txt b/25489-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6cee53f --- /dev/null +++ b/25489-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6546 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Bad Boy Abroad + Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad + in Their Journeys Through Foreign Lands - 1904 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25489] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD + +By Hon. Geo. W. Peck + +Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad in Their +Journeys Through Foreign Lands, Their Visits to Crowned Heads, the +Manners and Customs of the People, and the Bad Boy's Never Ending +Efforts to Provide Fun No Matter Where He Is. + +Profusely Illustrated by D. S. Groesbeck And R. W. Taylor + +THOMPSON & THOMAS - 1904 + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER I. + +The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Groceryman After Being Away at +School--The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way + + +CHAPTER II. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels--The Bad Boy Labels the +Old Man's Suit Case--How the Cowboys Made Him Dance Once + + +CHAPTER III. + +The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to Washington--He +and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt--The Bad Boy Meets One of the +Children and They Disagree + + +CHAPTER IV. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon--Dad Weeps at the Grave of +the Father of Our Country + + +CHAPTER V. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria--The Bad Boy +Orders Dinner--The Old Man Gets Stuck--Tries to Rescue a Countess in +Distress + + +CHAPTER VI. + +The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages--His Dad Has +an Argument Over a Steamer Chair. + + +CHAPTER VII. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog--Call on Astor--A Dynamite Outrage + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the White-chapel +District--He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower of London + + +CHAPTER IX. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost Settle the Irish +Question + + +CHAPTER X. + +The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen--¦ They Get a Taste +of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story of the Picklemaker's +Daughter + + +CHAPTER XI. + +The Bad Boy Writes About Paris--Tells About the Trip Across the English +Channel--Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested + + +CHAPTER XII. + +The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris--Dad Poses as a Mormon Bishop +and Has to Be Rescued--They Climb the Eiffel Tower and the Old Man Gets +Converted + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to Break the +Bank, But They Go Broke--The Party in Trouble + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride--They Run Over a +Peasant--Climb “Glaziers”--Dad Falls Over a Precipice, But Is Rescued by +the Guides After a Hard Time of It + + +CHAPTER XV. + +Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist--They Give Alms to the Beggars and the Bad +Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand Canal + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +The Bad Boy Writes from Naples--Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls the Servants +to Put Out the Fire--They Have Trouble with a “Dago” in Pompeii + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius--A Chicago Lady Joins the Party +and Causes Trouble + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children--Dad is Chased by +Lions from the Coliseum--” Not Any More Rome for Papa,” says Dad + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope--They Bow to, the King of Italy +and His Nine Spots--Dad Finds That “The Catacombs” Is Not a Comic Opera + + +CHAPTER XX. + +The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble They Had to +Get There--Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with the People and Soldiers + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints--'The Bad Boy Arranges a Wolf +Hunt--Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the Wolves + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople--They Find the Turks +Sensitive on the Dog Question--A College Yell for the Sultan Sends Him +Into a Fit + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem--“Little Egypt” Does +a Dancing Stunt--The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty Wives to the President + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo--At the Hotel They Meet Some +Egyptian Princesses--Dad Rides a Camel to the Pyramids and Meets with +Difficulties + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids--The Bad Boy Lights a Cannon +Cracker in Rameses' Tomb--They Flee from Egypt in Disguise + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar--The Irish-English Army--How He Would +Take the Fortress--Dad Wants to Buy the “Rock” + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +The Bad Boy Writes of Spain--They call On the King and the Bad Boy Is At +It Once More--They See a Bull Fight and Dad Does a Turn + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin--They Call On Emperor William and His +Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them All + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels--He and Dad See the Field of Waterloo +and Call on King Leopold, and Dad and the King Go in for a Swim--The Bad +Boy, a Dog and Some Goats Do the Rest + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter About Holland and Cuba--Dad and the Boy Go +for a Drive in a Dog-Cart--They Have a Great Time--Land in Cuba and See +the Island We Fought For + + + + + +PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Grocery-man After + Being Away at School--The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way. + +The bad boy had been away to school, but the illness of his father had +called him home, and for some weeks he had been looking about the old +town. He had found few of his old friends. His father had recovered +somewhat from his illness, and one day he met his old chum, a boy of his +own age. The bad boy and the chum got busy at once, talking over the +old times that tried the souls of the neighbors and finally the bad boy +asked about the old groceryman, and found that the old man still held +out at the old stand, with the same old stock of groceries, and they +decided to call upon him, and surprise him. So after it began to be +dark they entered the store, and found the old groceryman sitting on a +cracker box by the stove, stroking the back of an old maltese cat that +had a yellow streak on the back, where it had been singed by crawling +under the red-hot stove. As the boys entered the store the cat raised +its back, its tail became as large as a rolling pin, and the cat began +to spit, while the old groceryman held up both hands and said: + +[Illustration: Don't shoot, Please 019] + +“Don't shoot, please, but one of you go behind the counter and take +what there is in the cash drawer, while the other one can reach into my +pistol pocket and release my pocketbook. This is the fifth time I have +been held up this year, and I have got so if I am not held up about so +often I can't sleep nights.” + +“O, put down your hands and straighten out that cat's back,” said the +bad boy, as he slapped the old groceryman on the back so hard his spine +cracked like a frozen sidewalk. “Don't you know us, you old geezer? We +are the only and original Peck's Bad Boy and his Chum, come to life, and +ready for business,” and the two boys danced a jig on the floor, covered +an inch thick with the spilled sugar of years ago, the molasses that had +strayed from barrel, and the general refuse of the dirty place, which +had become as hard as asphalt. + +“O, dear, it is worse than I thought,” said the old groceryman as he +laughed a hysterical laugh through the long whiskers, and he hugged the +boys as though he had a liking for them, notwithstanding the suffering +they had caused him. “By gosh, I thought you were nothing but common +robbers, who just wanted my money. You are old friends, and can have the +whole place,” and he poured some milk into a basin for the cat, but the +animal only looked at the two boys as though she knew them, and watched +them to see what was coming next. + +The bad boy looked around the old grocery, which had not changed a +particle during the time he had been away, the same old box of petrified +prunes, the dried apples that could not be cut with a hatchet, the +canned stuff on the shelves had become so old that the labels had curled +up and fallen off, so it must have been a guess with the old groceryman +whether he was selling a can of peas or tomatoes, and the old fellow +standing there as though the world had gone off and left him, as his +customers had. + +“Well, wouldn't this skin you,” said the bad boy, as he took up a +dried prune and tried to crack it with a hatchet on a two-pound weight, +turning to his chum who was stroking the singed hair of the old cat the +wrong way. “Say, old man, you ought to get a hustle on you. Why don't +you clean out this shebang, and put in a new stock, of goods, and have +clerks with white aprons on, and a girl bookkeeper, and goods that +people will buy and eat and not get sick? There is a grocery down street +that is as clean as a whistle, and I notice all your old customers go +there. Why don't you keep up with the times?” + +“O, I ain't running a dude place,” said the old man, as he took a piece +of soft coal and put it in the old round stove, and wiped the black off +his hands on his trousers. “I am trying to get rid of my customers. I +have got money enough to live on, and I just stay here waiting for the +old cat to die. I have only got six customers left, and one of them has +got pneumonia, and is going to die, then there will be only five. When +they are all gone I shall sit here by the stove until the end comes. +There is nothing doing now to keep me awake, since you boys quit getting +me mad. Say, boys, do you know, I haven't been real mad since you quit +coming here. The only fun I have had is swearing at my customers when +they stick up their noses at my groceries. It's the funniest thing, when +I tell an old customer that if they don't like my goods they can go plum +to thunder, they get mad and go somewhere else to trade. Times must be +changing. Years ago, the more I abused customers the more they liked it, +and I just charged the goods to them with a pencil on a piece of brown +wrapping paper. I had four cracker boxes full of brown wrapping paper +with things charged on the paper against customers, but when anybody +wanted to pay their account it made my head ache to find it, and so one +day I balanced my books by using the brown wrapping paper to kindle the +fire. If you ever want to get even with the world, easy, just pour a +little kerosene on your accounts, and put them in the stove. I have +never been so free from worry as I have since I balanced my books +in the stove. Well, I suppose you have come home on account of your +dad's sickness,” said the old groceryman, turning to the bad boy, +who had written a sign, 'The Morgue,' and pinned it on the window. “I +understand your dad had an operation performed on him in a hospital. +What did the doctors take out of him?” + +“Dad had an operation all right,” said the bad boy, “but he is not as +much interested in what they took out of him, as what he thinks they +left in. They said they removed his appendix, and I guess they did, for +dad showed me the bill the doctors rendered. The bill was big enough so +they might have taken out a whole lot more. If I had been home I would +never have let him be cut into, but ma insisted that he must have an +operation. She said all the men on our street, and all that moved in our +set, had had operations, and she was ashamed to go out in society and +be forced to admit that dad never had an operation, She told dad that +he could afford it better than half the people that had operations, and +that a scar criss-cross on the stomach was a badge of honor. He never +got a scar in the army, and she simply would not be able to look people +in the face unless dad was operated on. Dad always was subject to +stomach ache, but until appendicitis became fashionable he had always +taken a mess of pills, and come out all right, but ma diagnosed the case +the last time he was doubled up like a jack-knife, and dad was hustled +off to the hospital, and they didn't do a thing to him. + +“He told me about it since I came home, and now he lays the whole thing +to ma, and I have to stand between them. He is going to get even with +ma, though. The first time she complains of anything going on inside +of her works, he is going to send her right to a hospital and have the +doctors do their worst. Dad said to me, says he: + +“'Hennery, if you ever feel anything like a caucus being held inside +you, don't you ever go to a hospital, but just swallow a stick of +dynamite and light the fuse, then there won't be anything left inside to +bother you afterwards. When I got to the hospital they stripped me for +a prize fight, put me on a table made of glass, and rolled me into the +operating room, gave me chloroform and when they thought I was all in, +they took an axe and chopped me. I could feel every blow, and it is a +wonder they left enough of your old dad for you to hug when you came +home.' + +“Say, it is kind of pitiful to hear dad talk about the things they left +in him.” + +“What things does he think they left in him,” asked the old groceryman, +as he looked frightened, and felt of his stomach, as though he +mistrusted there might be something wrong with him, too. + +“O, dad has been reading in the papers about doctors that perform +operations leaving sponges, forceps, and things inside of patients, when +they close up the place, and since dad has got pretty fussy since his +operation he thinks they left something in him. Some days he thinks they +left a roll of cotton batting, or a pillow, or a bale of hay, but when +there is a sharp pain inside he thinks they left a carving knife, but +for a week he has settled down to the belief that the doctors left a +monkey wrench in him, and he is just daffy on that subject. Says he can +feel it turning around, as though it was miscrewing machinery, and +he wants to consult a new doctor every day as to what he can take to +dissolve a monkey wrench, so it will pass off through the blood and +pores of the skin. He has taken it into his head that nothing will save +his life except to travel all over the country, and the world. I am to +go with him to look after him.” + +[Illustration: Doctors left a monkey wrench in him 025] + +“By ginger, it's great! Just think of it. Traveling all over the world +and nothing to do but nurse my old dad who thinks he is filled with +hardware and carpenter's tools. Gee! but I wish you could go,” said +the bad boy, as he put him arm around his chum. “Maybe we wouldn't +make these foreigners sit up and take an interest in something besides +Royalty and Riots.” + +“Well,” said the groceryman, “they will have my sympathy with you alone +over there.” + +“But before you start on the road with your monkey-wrench show, you come +in here and let me put up a package of those prunes to take along. They +will keep in any climate, and there is nothing better for iron in the +blood, such as your dad has, than prunes. Call again, bub, and we will +arrange for you to write to your chum from all the places you go with +your dad, and he can come in here and read the letters to me and the +cat.” + +“All right, old Father Time,” said the bad boy, as he drew a mug of +cider out of the vinegar barrel, and took a swallow. “But what you want +to do is to get a road scraper and drive a team through this grocery, +and clean the floor,” and the boys went out just ahead of the old man's +arctic overshoes, as he kicked at them, and then he went back and sat +down by the stove and stroked the cat, which had got its back down +level again, after its old enemies had gone down the street, throwing +snowballs at the driver of a hearse. + +[Illustration: Went out just ahead of the old man's arctic overshoes +027] + +“It is a solemn occupation to drive a hearse,” said the bad boy. + +“Not so solemn as riding inside,” said the chum. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels--The Bad Boy + Labels the Old Man's Suit Case--How the Cowboys Made Him + Dance Once. + +The old groceryman was in front of the grocery, bent oyer a box of +rutabagas, turning the decayed sides down to make the possible customer +think all was not as bad as it might be, when a shrill whistle down the +street attracted his attention. He looked in the direction from which it +came, and saw the bad boy coming with a suit case in one hand and a sole +leather hat box in the other, and the old man went in the store to say +a silent prayer, and to lay a hatchet and an ax handle where he could +reach them if the worst came. + +“Well, you want to get a good look at me now,” said the bad boy, as he +dropped the valise on the floor, and put the hat box on the counter, +“for it will be months and maybe years, before you see me again.” + +“Oh, joy!” said the old groceryman, as he heaved a sigh, and tried to +look sorry. “What is it, reform school, or have the police ordered you +out of town? I have felt it coming for a long time. This is the only +town you could have plied your vocation so long in and not been pulled. +Where are you going with the dude suit case and the hat box?” + +“Oh, dad has got a whole mess more diseases, and the doctors had a +conversation over him Sunday, and they say he has got to go away again, +right now, and that a sea voyage will brace him up and empty him out so +medicine over in Europe can get in its work and strengthen him so he can +start back after a while and probably die on the way home, and be buried +at sea. Dad says he will go, for he had rather die at sea than on land, +'cause they don't have to have any trouble about a funeral, 'cause all +they do is to sew a man up in a piece of cloth, tie a sack of coal to +his feet, slide him off a board, and he goes kerplunk down into the salt +water about a mile, and stands there on his feet and makes the whales +and sharks think he is a new kind of fish.” + +“Gee! but that is a programme that appeals to me as sort of uncanny,” + said the old man. “Is your dad despondent over the outlook? What new +disease has he got?” + +[Illustration: Pasted a tomato can label on the suitcase 31] + +“All of 'em,” said the boy, as he took a label off a tomato can and +pasted it on the end of the suit case. “You take an almanac and read +about all the diseases that the medicine advertised in the almanac +cures, and dad has got the whole lot of them, nervous prostration, +rheumatism, liver trouble, stomach busted, lungs congested, diaphragm +turned over, heart disease, bronchitis, corns, bunions, every darn thing +a man can catch without costing him anything. But he is not despondent. +He just thinks it is an evidence of genius, and a certificate of +standing in society and wealth. He argues that the poor people who have +only one disease are not in it with statesmen and scholars. Oh, he is +all right. He thinks if he goes to Europe all knocked out, he will class +with emperors and dukes. Oh, since he had that operation and had his +appendix chopped out, he thinks there is a bond of sympathy between him +and King Edward that will cause him to be invited to be the guest of +royalty. He is just daffy,” and the bad boy took a sapolio label out of +a box and pasted it on the other end of the valise. + +“What in thunder and lightning are you pasting those labels on your +valise for?” said the old man, as the boy reached for a Quaker oats +label and a soap advertisement and pasted them on. + +“Oh, dad said he wished he had some foreign labels of hotels and things +on his valise, to make fellow travelers believe he had been abroad +before, and I told him I could fix it all right. You see, if I paste +things all over the valise he will think it is all right, 'cause he +is near sighted,” and the boy pasted on a label for 37 varieties of +pickles, and then put on an advertisement for hair restorer on the hat +box. + +“Say, here's a fine one, this malted milk label, with a New Jersey cow +on the corner,” said the old man, as he began to take interest in the +boy's talent as an artist. “And here, try one of these green pea can +labels, and the pork and beans legend, and the only soap. Say, if you +and your dad don't create a sensation from the minute you take the train +till you get back, you can take it out of my wages. When are you going?” + +“To-morrow night,” said the boy, as he put more labels on the hat box, +and stood off and looked at them with the eye of an artist. “We go to +New York first to stay a few days and see things, and then we take a +steamer and sail away, and the sicker dad is the more time I will have +to fill up on useful nollig.” + +“Hennery,” said the old groceryman, as his chin trembled, and a tear +came to his eye. “I want to ask you a favor. At times, when you have +been unusually mean, I have thought I hated you, but when I have said +something ugly to you, and have laid awake all night regretting it, it +has occurred to me that you were about the best friend I had. I think it +makes an old man forget his years, to be chummy with a live boy, full of +ginger, and I do like you, condemn you, and I can't help it. Now I want +you to write me every little while, on your trip, and I will read your +letters to the customers here in the store, who will be lonely until +they can hear that you are dead. The neighbors will come in to read your +letters, and it will bring me custom. Will you write to me, boy, and +pour out your heart to me, and tell me of the different troubles you get +your dad into, for surely you cannot help finding trouble over there if +you go hunting for it. Promise me, boy.” + +“You bet your life I will, old pard,” said the bad boy. “I shall have to +have some escape valve to keep from busting. I was going to write to +my chum, but he is in love with a telephone girl, and he don't take any +time for pleasure. I will write you about every dutch and duchess we +meet, every prince and pauper, and everything. You watch my smoke, and +you will think there is a train afire. I hope dad will try and restrain +himself from wanting to fight everybody that belongs to any country but +America. He has bought one one these little silk American flags to wear +in his button hole, and he swears if anybody looks cross-eyed at that +flag he will simply cut his liver out, and toast it on a fork, and eat +it. He makes me tired, and I know there is going to be trouble.” + +“Don't you think your dad's mind sort of wanders?” said the old +groceryman, in a whisper, “It wouldn't be strange, after all he has gone +through, in raising you up to your present size, if he was a little off +his base.” + +“Well, ma thinks he is bug-house, and the hired girl is willing to go +into court and swear to it, and that experience we had coming home from +the Yellowstone park some time ago, made me think if he was not crazy he +would be before long, You see, we had a hot box on the engine, and had +to stay at a station in the bad lands for an hour, and there were a mess +of cow boys on the platform, and I told dad we might as well have some +amusement while we were there, and that a brake-man told me the cow boys +were great dancers, but you couldn't hire them to dance, but if some man +with a strong personality would demand that they dance, and put his hand +on his pistol pocket they would all jump in and dance for an hour. That +was enough for dad, for he has a microbe that he is a man of strong +personality, and that when he demands that anybody do something they +simply got to do it, so he walked up and down the platform a couple of +times to get his draw poker face on, and I went up to one of the cow +boys and told him that the old duffer used to be a ballet dancer, and he +thought everybody ought to dance when they were told to, and that if the +spell should come on him, and he should order them to dance, it would be +a great favor to me if they would just give him a double shuffle or two, +just to ease his mind. + +“Well, pretty soon he came along to where the cowboys were leaning +against the railing, and, looking at them in a haughty manner, he said: +'Dance, you kiotes, dance,' and he put his hand to his pistol pocket. +Well, sir, I never saw so much fun in my life. Four of the cow boys +pulled revolvers and began to shoot regular bullets into the platform +within an inch of dad's feet, and they yelled to him: 'Dance your own +self, you ancient maverick; whoop 'er up!' and by gosh! dad was so +frightened that he began to dance all around the platform, and it was +like a battle, the bullets splintering the boards, and the smoke filling +the air, and the passengers looking out of the windows and laughing, +and the engineer and fireman looking on and yelling, and dad nearly +exhausted from the exertion. I guess if the conductor had not got the +hot box put out and yelled all aboard, dad would have had apoplexy.” + +[Illustration: He began to dance all around the platform 037] + +“When he let up, the cow boys quit shooting, and he! 'ol aboard the train +and started. I stayed in the smoking car with the train butcher for more +than an hour, 'cause I was afraid if I went in the car where dad was he +would make some remark that would offend my pride, and when I did +go back to the car he just said: 'Somebody fooled you. Those fellows +couldn't dance, and I knew it all the time.' Yes, I guess there is no +doubt dad is crazy sometimes, but let me chaperone him through a few +foreign countries and he will stand without hitching all right. Well, +goodby, now, old man, and try and bear up under it, till you get a +letter from me,” and the bad boy took his labeled valise and hat box and +started. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to + Washington--He and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt-- + The Bad Boy Meets One of the Children and They Disagree. + +Washington, D. C--My Dear Old Skate: I didn't tell you in my last about +the fun we had getting here. We were on the ocean wave two days, because +the whole country was flooded from the rains, and dad walked the quarter +deck of the Pullman car, and hitched up his pants, and looked across the +sea on each side of the train with a field glass, looking for whales and +porpoises. He seems to be impressed with the idea that this trip abroad +is one of great significance to the country, and that he is to be a sort +of minister plenipotentiary, whatever that is, and that our country is +going to be judged by the rest of the world by the position he takes on +world affairs. The first day out of Chicago dad corraled the porter in a +section and talked to him until the porter was black in the face. I told +dad the only way to get respectful consideration from a negro was to +advocate lynching and burning at the stake, for the slightest things, so +when our porter was unusually attentive to a young woman on the car dad +hauled him over the coals, and scared him so by talking of hanging, and +burning in kerosene oil, that the negro got whiter than your shirt, and +when he got away from dad he came to me and asked if that old man with +the red nose and the gold-headed cane was as dangerous as he talked. +I told him he was my dad, and that he was a walking delegate of the +Amalgamated Association of Negro Lynchers, and when a negro did anything +that he ought to be punished for they sent for dad, and he took charge +of the proceedings and saw that the negro was hanged, and shot, and +burned up plenty. But I told him that dad was crazy on the subject +of giving tips to servants, and he must not fall dead when we got to +Washington if dad gave him a $50 bill, and he must not give back any +change, but just act as though he always got $50 from passengers. Well, +you'd a dide to see that negro brush dad 50 times a day, and bring a +towel every few minutes to wipe off his shoes, but he kept one eye,' +about as big as an onion, on dad all the time, to watch that he didn't +get stabbed. The next morning I took dad's pants from under his pillow, +and hid them in a linen closet, and dad laid in his berth all the +forenoon, and had it out with the porter, whom he accused of stealing +them. The doctors told me I must keep dad interested and excited, so he +would not dwell on his sickness, and I did, sure as you are a foot high. +Dad stood it till almost noon, when he came out of his berth with his +pajamas on, these kind with great blue stripes like a fellow in the +penitentiary, and when he went to the wash room I found his pants +and then he dressed up and swore some at everybody but me. We got to +Washington all right, and I thought I would bust when dad fished out a +nickel and gave it to the porter, and we got out of the car before the +porter came to, and the first day we stayed in the hotel for fear the +negro would see us, as I told dad that porter would round up a gang of +negroes with razors and they would waylay us and cut dad all up into +sausage meat. + +[Illustration: Fished out a nickel and gave it to the porter 042] + +Dad is the bravest man I ever saw when there is no danger, but when +there is a chance for a row he is weak as a cat. I spect it is on +account of his heart being weak. A man's internal organs are a great +study. I spose a brave man, a hero, has to have all his inside things +working together, to be real up and up brave, but if his heart is +strong, and his liver is white, he goes to pieces in an emergency, and +if his liver is all right, and he tries to fight just on his liver, when +the supreme moment arrives, and his heart jumps up into his throat, and +wabbles and beats too quick, he just flunks. I would like to dissect a +real brave man, and see what condition the things inside him are in, but +it would be a waste of time to dissect dad, 'cause I know all his inner +works need to go to a watchmaker and be cleaned, and a new main spring +put in. + +Well, this morning dad shaved himself, and got on his frock coat, and +his silk hat, and said we would go over to the white house and have +a talk with Teddy, but first he wanted to go and see where Jefferson +hitched his horse to the fence when he came to Washington to be +innogerated, and where Jackson smoked his corn cob pipe, and swore and +stormed around when he was mad, and to walk on the same paths where +Zachariah Taylor Zacked, Buchanan catched it, and Lincoln put down +the rebellion, and so we walked over toward the white house, and I was +scandalized. I stopped to pick up a stone to throw at a dog inside the +fence, and when I walked along behind dad, and got a rear view of his +silk hat, it seemed as though I would sink through the asphalt pavement, +for he had on an old silk hat that he wore before the war, the darnedest +looking hat I ever saw, the brim curled like a minstrel show hat, the +fur rubbed off in some places, and he looked like one of these actors +that you see pictures of walking on the railroad track, when the show +busts up at the last town. I think a man ought to dress so his young +son won't have a fit. I tried to get dad to go and buy a new hat, but he +said he was going to wait till he got to London, and buy one just like +King Edward wears, but he will never get to London with that hat, 'cause +to-night I will throw it out of the hotel window and put a piece of +stove pipe in his hat box. + +Well, sir, you wouldn't believe it, but we got into the white house +without being pulled, but it was a close shave, 'cause everybody looked +at dad, and put their forefingers to their foreheads, for they thought +he was either a crank, or an ambassador from some furrin country. The +detectives got around dad when we got into the anteroom, and began to +feel of his pockets to see if he had a gun, and one of them asked me +what the old fellow wanted, and I told them he was the greatest bob cat +shooter in the west, and was on his way to Europe to invite the emperors +and things to come over to this country and shoot cats on his preserve. +Well, say, you ought to have seen how they stepped one side and waltzed +around, and one of them went in the next room and told the president dad +was there, and before we knew it we were in the president's room, and +the president began to curl up his lip, and show his teeth like some one +had said “rats.” + +[Illustration: President began to curl up his lip 045] + +He got hold of dad's hand, and dad backed off as though he was afraid of +being bitten, and then they sat down and talked about mountain lion and +cat shooting, and dad said he had a 22 rifle that he could pick a cat +off the back fence with every time, out of his bedroom window, and I +began to look around at the pictures. Dad and the president talked about +all kinds of shooting, from mudhens to moose, and then dad told the +president he was going abroad on account of his liver, and wanted a +letter of introduction to some of the kings and emperors, and queens, +and jacks, and all the face cards, and the president said he made it a +practice not to give any personal letters to his friends, the kings, +but that dad could tell any of them that he met that he was an American +citizen, and that would take him anywhere in Europe, and then he got +up and began to show his teeth at dad again, and dad gave him the grand +hailing sign of distress of the Grand Army and backed out, dropped his +hat, and in trying to pick it up, he stepped on it, but that made it +look better, anyway, and we found ourselves outside the room, and a lot +of common people from the country were ready to go in and talk politics +and cat shooting. + +Well, we looked at pictures, and saw the state dining room where they +feed 50 diplomats at a time on mud turtle and champagne, and a boy about +my size looked sort of disdainful at me, and I told him it he would come +outside I would mash his jaw, and he said I could try it right there +if I was in a hurry to go, and I was starting to give him a swift punch +when a detective took hold of my arm and said they couldn't have any +scrap there, 'cause the president's son could not fight with common +boys, and I asked him who he called a common boy, and then dad said we +better go before war broke out in a country that was illy prepared for +hostilities on a large scale, and then I told a detective that dad was +liable to have one of his spells and begin shooting any minute, and +then the detectives all thought dad was one of these president +assassinationists, and they took him into a room and searched him, and +asked him a whole lot of fool questions, and they finally let us out, +and told us we better skip the town before night. + +[Illustration: I was starting to give him a swift punch 047] + +Dad got kind of heavy-hearted over that and took a notion he would like +to see ma again before crossing the briny deep, so you came near having +your little angel again soon. This weakness of dad's didn't last long, +for we're looking for a warm time in New York and old Lunnon. + +So long, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon--Dad Weeps at the + Grave of the Father of Our Country. + +New York City.--My Dear Uncle Ezra: I got a letter from my chum this +morning, and he says he was in the grocery the day he wrote, and you +were a sight. He says that if I am going to be away several months you +will never change your shirt till I get back, for nobody around the +grocery seems to have any influence over you. I meant to have put you +under bonds before I left, to change your shirt at least quarterly, but +you ought to change it by rights every month. The way to do is to get +an almanac and make a mark on the figures at the first of the month, +and when you are studying the almanac it will remind you of your duty to +society. People east here, that is, business men in your class, change +their shirts every week or two. Try and look out for these little +matters, insignificant as they may seem, because the public has some +rights that it is dangerous for a man to ignore. + +Dad and I have been down to Mount Vernon, and had a mighty solemn +time. I think dad expected that we would be met at the trolley car by +a delegation of descendants of George Washington, by a four-horse +carriage, with postilions and things, and driven to the old house, and +received with some distinction, as dad had always been an admirer +of George Washington, and had pointed with pride to his record as a +statesman and a soldier, but all we saw was a bunch of negroes, who +told us which way to walk, and charged us ten cents apiece for the +information. + +At Mount Vernon we found the old house where George lived and died, +where Martha told him to wipe his feet before he came in the house, and +saw that things were cooked properly. We saw pictures of revolutionary +scenes and men of that period, relics of the days when George was the +whole thing around there. We saw the bed on which George died, and then +we went down to the icehouse and looked through the fence and saw the +marble coffins in which George and Martha were sealed up. Say, old man, +I know you haven't got much reverence, but you couldn't look through +that fence at what remains of the father of his country without taking +off your hat and thinking good things while you were there. + +[Illustration: Saw the marble coffins in which George and Martha 050] + +I was surprised at dad; he cried, though he never met George Washington +in all his life. I have seen dad at funerals at home, when he was a +bearer, or a mourner, and he never acted as thought it affected him +much, but there at Mount Vernon, standing within eight feet of the +remains of George Washington, he just lost his nerve, and bellered, and +I felt solemn myself, like I had been kept in after school when all the +boys were going in swimming. If a negro had not asked dad for a quarter +I know dad would have got down on his knees and been pious, but when +he gave that negro a swift kick for butting in with a commercial +proposition, in a sacred moment, dad come to, and we went up to the +house again. Dad said what he wanted was to think of George Washington +just as a country farmer, instead of a general and a president. He said +we got nearer to George, if we thought of him getting up in the morning, +putting on his old farmer pants and shirt, and going downstairs in his +stocking feet, and going out to the kitchen by the wooden bench, dipping +a gourd full of rain water out of a barrel into an earthen wash basin +and taking some soft soap out of a dish and washing himself, his shirt +open so his great hairy breast would catch the breeze, his suspenders, +made of striped bed ticking, hanging down, his hair touseled up until +he had taken out a yellow pocket comb and combed it, and then yelling +to Martha to know about how long a workingman would have to wait for +breakfast. And then dad said he liked to think of George Washington +sitting down at the breakfast table and spearing sausages out of a +platter, and when a servant brought in a mess of these old-fashioned +buckwheat cakes, as big as a pieplate, see George, in imagination, pilot +a big one on to his plate, and cover it with sausage gravy, and eat +like he didn't have any dyspepsia, and see him help Martha to buckwheat +cakes, and finally get up from breakfast like a full Christian and go +out on the farm and count up the happy slaves to see if any of them had +got away during the night. + +By ginger, dad inspired me with new thoughts about the father of his +country. I had always thought of Washington as though he was constantly +crossing the Delaware in a skiff, through floating ice, with a cocked +hat on, and his coat flaps trimmed with buff nankeen stuff, a sort of +a male Eliza in “Uncle Tom's Cabin,” getting away from the hounds that +were chasing her to chew her pants. I was always thinking of George +either chopping cherry trees, or standing on a pedestal to have his +picture taken, but here at the old farm, with dad to inspire me, I was +just mingling with Washington, the planter, the neighbor, telling the +negroes where they would get off at if they didn't pick cotton fast +enough, or breaking colts, or going to the churn and drinking a quart +of buttermilk, and getting the stomach ache, and calling upstairs to +Martha, who was at the spinning wheel, or knitting woolen socks, and +asking her to fix up a brandy smash to cure his griping pains. I thought +of the father of his country taking a severe cold, and not being able +to run into a drug store for a bottle of cough sirup, or a quinine pill, +having Martha fix a tub of hot mustard water to soak those great feet of +his, and bundle him up in a flannel blanket, give him a hot whisky, and +put him to bed with a hot brick at his feet. + +Then, when I looked at a duck blind out in the Potomac, near the shore, +I thought how George used to put on an old coat and slouch hat and take +his gun and go out in the blind, and shoot canvas-back ducks for dinner, +and paddle his boat out after the dead birds, the way Grover Cleveland +did a century later. I tell you, old man, the way to appreciate our +great statesmen, soldiers and scholars is to think of them just as +plain, ordinary citizens, doing the things men do nowadays. It does dad +and I more good to think of Washington and his friends camping out down +the Potomac, on a fishing trip, sleeping on a bed of pine boughs, and +cooking their own pork, and roasting sweet potatoes in the ashes, eating +with appetites like slaves, than to think of him at a state dinner in +the white house, with a French cook disguising the food so they could +not tell what it was. + +O, I had rather have a picture of George Washington and Lafayette coming +up the bank of the Potomac toward the house, loaded down with ducks, and +Martha standing on the porch of Mount Vernon asking them who they bought +the ducks of and how much they cost, than to have one of those big +paintings in the white house showing George and Lafayette looking as +though they had conquered the world. If the phonograph had been invented +then, and we could listen to the conversation of those men, just as they +said things, it would be great. Imagine George saying to Lafayette, so +you cotild hear it now: “Lafe, that last shot at that canvasback you +made was the longest shot ever made on the Potomac. It was a Jim dandy, +you old frog eater,” and imagine Lafayette replying: “You bet your life, +George, I nailed that buck canvasback with a charge of number six shot, +and he never knew what struck him.” But they didn't have any phonographs +in those days and so you have got to imagine things. + +How would Washington's farewell address sound now in a phonograph, +or some of George's choice swear words at a slave that had ridden a +sore-backed mule down to Alexandria after a jug of rum. I would like to +run a phonograph show with nothing in the machine but ancient talk from +George Washington, but we can have no such luck unless George is born +again. + +Old man, if you ever get a furlough from business, you go down to Mount +Vernon and revel in memories of the father of his country. If you go, +hunt up a negro with a hair lip, that is a servant there, and who used +to be Washington's body servant, unless he is a liar, and tell him I +sent you and he won't do a thing to you, for a dollar or so. I told that +negro that dad was a great general, a second Washington, and he wore +all the skin off his bald head taking off his hat to dad every time dad +looked at him, and he bowed until his back ached, but when we were going +away, and dad asked me what ailed the old monkey to act that way, the +old negro thought these new Washingtons were a pretty tough lot. + +All the time at Mount Vernon I couldn't get up meanness enough to +play any trick on dad, but I picked up a sort of a horse chestnut or +something, with prickers on it as sharp as needles, and as we were +getting on the trolley I slipped it down the back of dad's pants, near +where his suspenders button on, and by the time we sat down in the car +the horse chestnut had worked down where dad is the largest, and when he +leaned back against the seat he turned pale and wiggled around and asked +me if he looked bad. + +[Illustration: Slipped it down the back of dad's pants 057] + +I told him he looked like a corpse, which encouraged him so he almost +fainted. He asked me if I had heard of any contagious diseases that were +prevalent in Virginia, 'cause he felt as though he had caught something. +I told him I would ask the conductor, so I went and asked the conductor +what time we got to Washington, and then I went back to dad and told +him the conductor said there was no disease of any particular account, +except smallpox and yellow fever, and that the first symptom of smallpox +was a prickling sensation in the small of the back. + +Dad turned green and said he had got it all right, and I had the +darndest time getting him back to the hotel at Washington. Say, I had to +help him undress, and I took the horse chestnut and put it in the foot +of the bed, and got dad in, and I went downstairs to see a doctor, and +then I came back and told him the doctor said if the prickly sensation +went to his feet he was in no danger from smallpox, as it was an +evidence that an old vaccination of years ago had got in its work and +knocked the disease out of his system lengthwise, and when I told dad +that he raised up in bed and said he was saved, for ever since I went +out of the room he had felt that same dreaded prickling at work on his +feet, and he was all right. + +I told dad it was a narrow escape and that it ought to be a warning +to him. Dad has to wear a dress suit to dinner here and cough up money +every time he turns around, 'cause I have told the bell boys dad is a +bonanza copper king, and they are not doing a thing to dad. + +O, I guess I am doing just as the doctors at home ordered, in keeping +dad's mind occupied. + +Well, so long, old man, I have got to go to dinner with dad, and I am +going to order the dinner myself, dad said I could, and if I don't put +him into bankruptcy, you don't know your little + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria-- + The Bad Boy Orders Dinner--The Old Man Gets Stuck--Tries to + Rescue a Countess in Distress. + +Waldorf-Astoria, New York.--Dear Uncle Ezra: We are still at this +tavern, but we don't do anything but sleep here, and stay around in +the lobby evenings to let people look at us, and dad wears that old +swallow-tail coat he had before the war, but he has got a new silk hat, +since we got here; one of these shiny ones that is so slick it makes his +clothes look offul bum. We about went broke on the first supper we +had, or dinner they call it here. You see, dad thought this was about a +three-dollar-a-day house, and that the meals were included, like they do +at Oshkosh, and so when we went down to dinner dad said we wouldn't do +a thing to old Astor. He let me order the dinner, but told me to order +everything on the bill-of-sale, because we wanted to get the worth of +our three dollars a day. Well, honest, I couldn't order all there was, +'cause you couldn't have got it all on a billiard table. Say, that list +they gave me had everything on it that was ever et or drunk, but I told +dad they would fire us out if we ordered the whole prescription, so all +I ordered was terrapin, canvasback duck, oysters, clams, crabs, a lot of +new kinds of fish, and some beef and mutton, and turkey, and woodcock, +and partridge, and quail, and English pheasant, and lobster and salads +and ices, and pie and things, just to stay our stomachs, and when it +came to wine, dad weakened, because he didn't want to set a bad example +to me, so he ordered hard cider for hisself and asked me if I wanted +anything to drink, and I ordered brown pop. You'd a been tickled to see +the waiter when he took that order, 'cause I don't s'pose anybody ever +ordered cider and brown pop there since Astor skinned muskrats for a +living, when he was a trapper up north. Gosh, but when they brought that +dinner in, you ought to have seen the sensation it created. Most of the +people in the great dining hall looked at dad as though he was a Crases, +or a Rockefeller, and the head waiter bowed low to dad, and dad thought +it was Astor, and dad looked dignified and hurt at being spoken to by a +common tavern keeper. Well, we et and et, but we couldn't get away with +hardly any of it, and dad wanted to wrap some of the duck and lobsters +and things in a newspaper and take it to the room for a lunch, but the +waiter wouldn't have it. But the cyclone struck the house when dad and +I got up to go out of the dining-room, and the waiter brought dad the +check. + +[Illustration: The waiter brought dad the check 063] + +“What is this?” said dad, as he put on his glasses and looked at the +check which was $43 and over. + +“Dinner check, sir,” said the waiter, as he straightened back and held +out his hand. + +“Why, ain't this house run on the American plan?” said dad, as his chin +began to tremble. + +“No, sir, on the Irish plan,” said the waiter. “You pays for what you +horders,” and dad began to dig up. He looked at me as though I was to +blame, when he told me to order all there was in sight. Well, I have +witnessed heart-rending scenes, but I never saw anything that would +draw tears like dad digging down for that $43. The doctors at home had +ordered excitement for dad, but this seemed to be an overdose, and I +was afraid he would collapse and I offered him my glass of brown pop to +stimulate him, but he told me I could go plumb, and if I spoke to him +again he would maul me. He got his roll half out of his pistol pocket, +and then talked loud and said it was a damoutridge, and he wanted to see +Astor himself before he would allow himself to be held up by highwaymen, +and then all the other diners stood up and looked at dad, and a lot of +waiters and bouncers surrounded him, and then he pulled out the roll, +and it was pitiful to see him wet his trembling thumb on his trembling +dry tongue and begin to peel off the bills, like you peel the layers off +an onion, but he got off enough to pay for the dinner, gave the waiter +half a dollar, and smiled a sickly smile at the head waiter, and I +led him out of the dining-room a broken-down old man. As we got to the +lobby, where the horse show of dress-suit chappies was beginning the +evening procession, I said to dad: “Next time we will dine out, I +guess,” and at that he rallied and seemed to be able to take a joke, for +he said: “We dined out this time. We dined out $43,” and then we joined +the procession of walkers around, and tried to look prosperous, and +after awhile dad called a bell boy, and asked him if there wasn't a good +dairy lunch counter near the Waldorf, where a man could go and get a +bowl of bread and milk, and the bell boy gave him the address of a +dairy lunch place, and I can see my finish, 'cause from this out we will +probably live on bread and milk while we are here, and I hate bread and +milk. + +It got all around the hotel, about the expensive dinner dad ordered for +himself and the little heir to his estate, and everybody wanted to get +acquainted with dad and try to get some stock in his copper mine. I had +told dad about my telling the boys he was a bonanza copper miner, and +he never batted an eye when they asked him about his mine, and he looked +the part. + +[Illustration: One man wanted dad to cash a check 067] + +One man wanted dad to cash a check, 'cause the bank was closed, and he +was a rich-looking duke, and dad was just going to get his roll out and +peel off some more onion, when I said: “Not on your tintype, Mr. Duke,” + and dad left his roll in his pocket, and the duke gave me a look as +though he wanted to choke me, and went away, saying: “There is Mr. +Pierpont Morgan, and I can get him to cash it.” I saved dad over a +hundred dollars on that scheme, and so we are making money every minute. +We went to our room early, so dad could digest his $43 worth of glad +food. + +Gee, but this house got ripped up the back before morning. You remember +I told you about a countess, or a duchess, or some kind of high-up +female that had a room next to our room. Well, she is a beaut, from +Butte, Mont., or Cuba, or somewhere, for she acts like a queen that has +just stepped off her throne for a good time. She has got a French maid +that is a peacharino. You know that horse chestnut, with the prickers +on, that I put in dad's pants at Washington. Well, I have still got it, +and as it gets dry the prickers are sharper than needles, sharper even +than a servant's tooth, as it says in the good book. I thought I would +give dad a run for his money, 'cause exercise and excitement are good +for a man that dined heartily on $43 worth of rich food, so when we went +to our room I told dad that I was satisfied from what a bell boy told +me that the countess in the next room, who had gold cords over her +shoulders for suspenders, was stuck on him, because she was always +inquiring who the lovely old gentleman was with the sweet little boy. +Dad he got so interested that he forgot to cuss me about ordering that +dinner, and he said he had noticed her, and would like real well to get +acquainted with her, 'cause a man far away from home, sick as a dog, +with no loving wife to look after him, needed cheerful company. So I +told him I had it all arranged for him to meet her, and then I went out +in the hall, sort of whistling around, and the French maid came out +and broke some English for me, and we got real chummy, 'cause she was +anxious to learn English, and I wanted to learn some French words; so +she invited me into the room, and we sat on the sofa and exchanged words +quite awhile, until she was called to the telephone in the other room. +Say, you ought to have seen me. I jumped up and put my hand inside +the sheets of the bed, and put that chestnut in there, right about the +middle of the bed, and then, after learning French quite a spell, with +the maid, we heard the countess getting off' the elevator, and the maid +said I must skip, 'cause it was the countess' bed-time, and I went back +and told dad the whole thing was arranged for him to meet the countess, +in a half an hour or so, as she had to write a few letters to some +kings and dukes, and when she gave a little scream; as though she was +practicing her voice on an opera, or something, dad was to go and rap +at the door. Gosh, but I was sorry for dad, for he was so nervous and +anxious for the half hour to expire that he walked up and down the room, +and looked at himself in the mirror, and acted like he had indigestion. +I had told the maid that she and the countess must feel perfectly safe, +if anything ever happened, 'cause my dad was the bravest man in the +world, and he would rush to the rescue of the countess, if a burglar got +in in the night, or the water pipes busted, or anything, and all she had +to do was to screech twice and dad would be on deck, and she must open +the door quicker-n scat, and she thanked me, and said she would, and for +me to come, too. Say, on the dead, wasn't that a plot for an amateur to +cook up? Well, sir, we had to wait so long for the countess to get on +the horse chestnut that I got nervous myself, but after awhile there +came a scream that would raise your hair, and I told dad the countess +was singing the opera. Dad said: “Hennery, that ain't no opera, that's +tragedy,” but she gave two or three more stanzas, and I told dad he +better hustle, and we went out in the hall and rapped at the door of the +countess' room, and the maid opened it, and told us to send for a doctor +and a policeman, 'cause the countess was having a fit. Well, say, that +was the worst ever. The countess had jumped out of bed, and was pulling +the lace curtains around her, but dad thought she was crazy, and was +going to jump out of the window, and he made a grab for her, and he +shouted to her to “be cam, be cam, poor woman, and I will rescue you.” + I tried to pacify the maid the best I knew how, and dad was getting the +countess calmer, but she evidently thought he was an assassin, for every +little while she would yell for help, and then the night watchman came +in with a house policeman, and one of them choked dad off, and they +asked the countess what the trouble was, and she said she had just +retired when she was stabbed about a hundred times in the small of the +back with a poniard, and she knew conspirators were assassinating her, +and she screamed, and this old bandit, meaning dad, came in, and the +little monkey, meaning me, had held his hand over her maid's mouth, so +she could not make any outcry. + +[Illustration: Night watchman came in with a house policeman 071] + +Well, I got my horse chestnut all right, out of the bed, and the +policeman told the countess not to be alarmed, and go back to bed, and +they took dad and I to our room, and asked us all about it. Gee, but +dad put up a story about hearing a woman scream in the next room, and, +thinking only of the duty of a gentleman under the circumstances, rushed +to her rescue, and all there was to it was that she must have had a +nightmare, but he said if he had it to do over again, he would do the +same. Anyway, the policeman believed dad, and they went off and left us, +and we went to bed, but dad said: “Hennery, you understand, I don't want +to make any more female acquaintances, see, among the crowned heads, +and from this out we mingle only with men. The idea of me going into a +woman's room and finding a Floradora with fits and tantrums, and me, a +sick man. Now, don't write to your ma about this, 'cause she never did +have much confidence in me, around women with fits.” So, Uncle Ezra, you +must not let this get into the papers, see? + +Well, we have bought our tickets for Liverpool, and shall sail +to-morrow, and while you are making up your cash account Saturday night, +we shall be on the ocean. I s'pose I will write you on the boat, if they +will tie it up somewhere so it will stand level. Your dear boy. Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages-- + His Dad Has an Argument Over a Steamer Chair. + +On Board the Lucinia, Mid-ocean. + +Dear Old Geezer. + +I take the first opportunity, since leaving New York, to write you, +'cause the boat, after three days out, has got settled down so it runs +level, and I can write without wrapping my legs around the table legs, +to hold me down. I have tried a dozen times to write, but the sea was so +rough that part of the time the table was on top of me and part of the +time I was on top, and I was so sick I seem to have lost my mind, over +the rail, with the other things supposed to be inside of me. O, old man, +you think you know what seasickness is, 'cause you told me once about +crossing Lake Michigan on a peach boat, but lake sickness is easy +compared with the ocean malady. I could enjoy common seasickness and +think it was a picnic, but this salt water sickness takes the cake. I am +sorry for dad, because he holds more than I do, and he is so slow +about giving up meals that he has paid for, that it takes him longer to +commune with nature, and he groans so, and swears some. + +[Illustration: I am sorry for dad, because he holds more than I do 074] + +I don't see how a person can swear when he is seasick on the ocean, with +no sure thing that he will ever see land again, and a good prospect of +going to the bottom, where you got to die in the arms of a devil fish, +with a shark biting pieces out of your tender loin and a smoked halibut +waiting around for his share of your corpse, and whales blowing syphons +of water and kicking because they are so big that they can't get at you +to chew cuds of human gum, and porpoises combing your damp hair with +their fine tooth comb fins, and sword fish and sawtooth piscatorial +carpenters sawing off steaks. Gee, but it makes me crawl. I once saw a +dead dog in the river, with bull heads and dog-fish ripping him up the +back, and I keep thinking I had rather be that dog, in a nice river at +home, with bullheads that I knew chewing me at their leisure, than to be +a dead boy miles down in the ocean, with strange fish and sea serpents +quarreling over the tender pieces in me. A man told me that if you smoke +cigarets and get saturated with nickoteen, and you are drownded, the +fish will smell of you, and turn up their noses and go away and leave +your remains, so I tried a cigaret, and, gosh, but I had rather be et +by fish than smoke another, on an ocean steamer. It only added to my +sickness, and I had enough before. I prayed some, when the boat stood on +its head and piled us all up in the front end, but a chair struck me on +the place where Fitzsimmons hit Corbett, and knocked the prayer all out +of me, and when the boat stood on her butt end and we all slid back the +whole length of the cabin, and I brought up under the piano, I tried to +sing a hymn, such as I used to in the 'Piscopal choir, before my voice +changed, but the passengers who were alive yelled for some one to choke +me, and I didn't sing any more. Dad was in the stateroom when we were +rolling back and forth in the cabin, and between sicknesses he came +out to catch me and take me into the stateroom, but he got the rolling +habit, too, and he rolled a match with an actress who was voyaging for +her health, and they got offully mixed up. He tried to rescue her, and +grabbed hold of her belt and was reeling her in all right, when a man +who said he was her husband took dad by the neck and said he must keep +his hands off or get another nose put on beside the one he had, and then +they all rolled under a sofa, and how it came out I don't know, but the +next morning dad's eye was blacked, and the fellow who said he was her +husband had his front teeth knocked out, and the actress lost her back +hair and had to wear a silk handkerchief tied around her head the rest +of the trip, and she looked like a hired girl who has been out to a +saloon dance. + +The trouble with dad is that he butts in too much. He thinks he is the +whole thing and thinks every crowd he sees is a demonstration for him. +When the steamer left New York, there were hundreds of people on the +dock to see friends off, and they had flowers to present to Unfriends, +and dad thought they were all for him, and he reached for every bunch of +roses that was brought aboard, and was going to return thanks for them, +when they were jerked away from him, and he looked hurt. When the gang +plank was pulled in, and the boat began to wheeze, and grunt, and move +away from the dock, and dad saw the crowd waving handkerchiefs and +laughing, and saying _bon voyage_, he thought they were doing it all for +him, and he started in to make a speech, thanking his fellow countrymen +for coming to see him off, and promising them that he would prove a true +representative of his beloved country in his travels abroad, and that +he would be true to the stars and stripes wherever fortune might place +him, and all that rot, when the boat got so far away they could not hear +him, and then he came off his perch, and said, “Hennery, that little +impromptu demonstration to your father, on the eve of his departure from +his native land, perhaps never to return, ought to be a deep and lasting +lesson to you, and to show you that the estimation in which I am held +by our people, is worth millions to you, and you can point with pride to +your father.” I said “rats” and dad said he wouldn't wonder if the boat +was full of rats, and then we stood on deck, and watched the objects of +interest down the bay. + +[Illustration: A speech, thanking his fellow countrymen 078] + +As we passed the statue of Liberty, which France gave to the republic, +on Bedloe's Island, dad started to make a speech to the passengers, but +one of the officers of the boat told dad this was no democratic caucus, +and that choked him off, but he was loaded for a speech, and I knew +it was only a matter of time when he would have to fire it off, but I +thought when we got outside the bar, into the ocean, his speech would +come up with the rest of the stuff, and I guess it did, for after he +began to be sea sick he had to keep his mouth shut, which was a great +relief to me, for I felt that he would say something that would get this +country in trouble with other nations, as there were lots of foreigners +on board. I heard that J. Pierpont Morgan was on board, and I told +everybody I got in conversation with that dad was Pierpont Morgan, and +when people began to call him Mr. Morgan, I told dad the passengers +thought he was Morgan; the great financier, and it tickled dad, and he +never denied it. Anyway, the captain put dad and I at his own table, +and he called me “Little Pierp,” and everybody discussed great financial +questions with dad, and everything would have been lovely the whole +trip, only Morgan came amongst us after he had been sea sick for three +days, and they gave him a seat opposite us, and with two Morgans at the +same table it was a good deal like two Uncle Tom's in an Uncle Tom's +Cabin show, so dad had to stay in his stateroom on account of sickness, +a good deal. Then dad got to walking on deck and flirting with the +female passengers. Say, did you ever see an old man who was stuck on +hisself, and thought that every woman who looked at him, from curiosity, +or because he had a wart on his neck, and watch him get busy making 'em +believe he is a young and kitteny thing, who is irresistible? Gee, +but it makes me tired. No man can mash, and make eyes, and have a love +scene, when he has to go to the rail every few minutes and hump hisself +with something in him that is knocking at the door of his palate, to +come out the same way it went in. Dad found a widow woman who looked +back at him kind of sassy, when he braced up to her, and when the ship +rolled and side-stepped, he took hold of her arm to steady her, and she +said maybe they better sit down on deck and talk it over, so dad found +a couple of steamer chairs that were not in use, and they sat down near +together, and dad took hold of her hand to see if she was nervous, and +he told me I could go any play mumbletypeg in the cabin, and I went in +the cabin and looked out of the window at dad and the widow. Say, you +wouldn't think two chairs could get so close, and dad was sure love +sick, and so was she. The difference between love sick and sea sick is +that in love sick you look red in the face and snuggle up, and squeeze +hands, and look fondly, and swallow your emotion, and try to wait +patiently until it is dark enough so the spectators won't notice +anything, and in sea sickness you get pale in the face, and spread +apart, and let go of hands, and after you have stood it as long as +you can you rush to the rail and act as though you were going to jump +overboard, and then stop sudden and let-'er-go-gallagher, right before +folks, and after it is over you try to look as though you had enjoyed +it. I will say this much for dad, he and the widow never played a duet +over the rail, but they took turns, and dad held her as tenderly as +though they were engaged, and when he got her back to the steamer chair +he stroked her face and put camphor to her nose, and acted like an +undertaker that wasn't going to let the remains get away from him. They +were having a nice convalescent time, just afore it broke up, and hadn't +either of them been sick for ten minutes, and dad had put his arm around +her shoulders, and was talking cunning to her, and she was looking +lovingly into dad's eyes, and they were talking of meeting again in +France in a few weeks, where she was going to rent a villa, and dad was +saying he would be there with both feet, when I opened the window and +said, “The steward is bringing around a lunch, and I have ordered two +boiled pork sandwiches for you two easy marks.” Well, you'd a dide to +see 'em jump. What there is about the idea of fat pork that makes people +who are sea sick have a relapse, I don't know, but the woman grabbed her +stum-mix in both hands and left dad and rushed into the cabin yelling +“enough,” or something like that, and dad laid right back in the chair +and blatted like a calf, and said he would kill me dead when we got +ashore. Just then an Englishman came along and told dad he better get +up out of his chair, and dad said whose chair you talking about, and the +man said the chair was his, and if dad didn't get out of it, he would +kick him in the pants, and dad said he hadn't had a good chance at an +Englishman since the Revolutionary war, and he just wanted a chance +to clean up enough Englishmen for a mess, and dad got up and stood at +“attention,” and the Englishman squared off like a prize fighter, and +they were just going to fight the battle of Bunker Hill over again, when +I run up to an officer with gold lace on his coat and lemon pie on his +whiskers, and told him an old crazy Yankee out on deck was going to +murder a poor sea sick Englishman, and the officer rushed out and took +dad by the coat collar and made him quit, and when he found what the +quarrel was about, he told dad all the chairs were private property +belonging to the passengers, and for him to keep out of them, and he +apologized to the Englishman and they went into the saloon and settled +it with high balls, and dad beat the Englishman by drinking two high +balls to his one. Then dad set into a poker game, with ten cents ante, +and no limit, and they played along for a while until dad got four +jacks, and he bet five dollars, and a Frenchman raised him five thousand +dollars, and dad laid down his hand and said the game was too rich for +his blood, and when he reached in his vest pocket for money to pay for +his poker chips he found that his roll was gone, and he said he would +leave his watch for security until he could go to his state room and get +some money, and then he found that his watch had been pinched, and the +Englishman said he would be good for it, and dad came out in the cabin +and wanted me to help him find the widow, cause he said when she laid +her head on his shoulder, to recover from her sickness, he felt a +fumbling around his vest, but he thought it was nothing but his stomach +wiggling to get ready for another engagement, but now he knew she had +robbed him. Say, dad and I looked all over that boat for the widow, but +she simply had evaporated. But land is in sight, and we shall land at +Liverpool this afternoon, and dad is going to lay for the widow at the +gang plank, and he won't do a thing to her. I guess not. Well, you will +hear from me in London next, and I'll tell you if dad got his money and +watch back. + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog--Call on Astor--A Dynamite + Outrage. + +London, England. + +Dear Old Man: + +Well, sir, if a court sentenced me to live in this town, I would appeal +the case, and ask the judge to temper his sentence with mercy, and hang +me. Say, the fog here is so thick you have to feel around like a blind +goddess, and when you show up through the fog you look about eighteen +feet high, and you are so wet you want to be run through a clothes +wringer every little while. For two days we never left the hotel, but +looked out of the windows waiting for the fog to go by, and watching the +people swim through it, without turning a hair. Dad was for going right +to the Lord Mayor and lodging a complaint, and demanding that the fog be +cleared off, so an American citizen could go about town and blow in his +money, but I told him he could be arrested for treason. He come mighty +near being arrested on the cars from Liverpool to London. When we got +off the steamer and tried to find the widow who robbed dad of his +watch and roll of money, but never found her, we were about the last +passengers to reach the train, and when we got ready to get on we found +these English cars that open on the sides, and they put you into a box +stall with some other live stock, and lock you in, and once in a while +a guard opens the door to see if you are dead from suffocation, or have +been murdered by the other passengers. Dad kicked on going in one of the +kennels the first thing, and said he wanted a parlor car; but the guard +took dad by the pants and gave him a shove, and tossed me in on top of +dad, and two other passengers and a woman in the compartment snickered, +and dad wanted to fight all of 'em except the woman, but he concluded to +mash her. When the door closed clad told the guard he would walk on his +neck when the door opened, and that he was not an entry in a dog show, +and he wanted a kennel all to himself, and asked for dog biscuit. Gee, +but that guard was mad, and he gave dad a look that started the train +going. I whispered to dad to get out his revolver, because the other +passengers looked like hold up men, and he took his revolver out of +his satchel and put it in his pistol pocket, and looked fierce, and the +woman began to act faint, while the passengers seemed to be preparing +to jump on dad if he got violent. When the train stopped at the first +station I got out and told the guard that the old gentleman in there +was from Helena, Montana, and that he had a reputation from St. Paul +to Portland, and then I held up both hands the way train robbers make +passengers hold up their hands. When I went back in the car dad was +talking to the woman about her resembling a woman he used to know in +the states, and he was just going to ask her how long she had been so +beautiful, when the guard came to the side door and called the woman out +into another stall, and then one of the passengers pulled out a pair +of handcuffs and told dad he might as well surrender, because he was a +Scotland yard detective and had spotted dad as an American embezzler, +and if he drew that gun he had in his pocket there would be a dead +Yankee in about four minutes. Well, I thought dad had nerve before, but +he beat the band, right there. He unbuttoned his overcoat and put his +finger on a Grand Army button in his buttonhole, and said, “Gentlemen, +I am an American citizen, visiting the crowned heads of the old world, +with credentials from the President of the United States, and day after +tomorrow I have a date to meet your king, on official business that +means much to the future peace of our respective countries. Lay a hand +on me and you hang from the yard arm of an American battleship.” Well, +sir, I have seen a good many bluffs in my time, but I never saw the +equal of that, for the detective turned white, and apologized, and asked +dad and I out to luncheon at the next station, and we went and ate all +there was, and when the time was up the detective disappeared and dad +had to pay for the luncheon, but he kicked all the way to London, and +the guard would not listen to his complaints, but told him if he tried +to hold up the train he would be thrown out the window and run over by +the train. We had the compartment to ourselves the rest of the way to +London, except about an hour, when the guard shoved in a farmer who +smelled like cows, and dad tried to get in a quarrel with him, about +English roast beef coming from America, but the man didn't have his +arguing clothes on, so dad began to find fault with me, and the man +told dad to let up on the kid or he would punch his bloody 'ed off. That +settled it, when the man dropped his “h,” dad thought he was one of the +nobility, and he got quite chummy with the Englishman, and then we +got to London, and dad had a quarrel about his baggage, and after +threatening to have a lot of fights he got his trunk on the roof of a +cab, and in about an hour we got to the hotel, and then the fog began an +engagement. If the fog here ever froze stiff, the town would look like +a piece of ice with fish frozen in. Gee, but I would like to have it +freeze in front of our hotel, so I could take an ax and go out and chop +a frozen girl out, and thaw her till she came to. + +Say, old man, if anybody ever wants to treat you to a trip to Europe, +don't come here, but go to some place where they don't think they +can speak English. You can understand a Nitalian or a Frenchman, or a +Dutchman, who can't speak English, and knows he can't, better than you +can an Englishman who thinks he can speak English, and can't, “don't you +know.” Everything is “don't you know.” If a servant gives you an evening +paper, he says, “'Ere's your paiper, don't you know,” and if a man +should--I don't say they would, but if a man _should_ give you a civil +answer, when you asked him the name of a street, he would look at you +as though you were a cannibal, and say, “Regent street, don't you know,” + and then he would act as though you had broken him of his rest. Dad +asked more than a dozen men where Bill Astor lived, and of all the +population of London I don't believe anybody knows, except one newsboy. +We rode half a day on top of a bus, through streets so crowded that the +horses had to creep, and dad hung on for fear the bus would be tipped +over, and finally we got out into the suburbs, where the rich people +live, and dad said we were right on the trail of King Edward, and we got +off and loitered around, and dad saw a beautiful place, with a big iron +fence, and a gate as big as a railroad bridge, and dad asked a newsboy +who lived there, and the boy made up a face at dad and said, “H'astor, +you bloke,” and he put out his hand for a tip. It was the first civil +answer dad had received in London, so he gave the boy a dollar. The boy +fell over on the sidewalk, dead, and dad started to go away for fear he +would be arrested for murder, but I kicked the boy on the pants, and he +got up and yelled some kind of murdered English, and more than a dozen +newsboys came on a gallop, and when the boy told them what had happened +they all wanted dad to ask them questions. I told the boys dad was +Andrew Carnegie, and that he was giving away millions of dollars, so +when dad got to the gate of the beautiful H'astor place, the boys yelled +Andrew Carnegie, and a flunkey flunked the gate open and dad and I went +in, and walked up to the house. Astor was on the veranda, smoking a +Missouri corn cob pipe, and drinking American beer, and seemed to +be wishing he was back home in America. Dad marched right up to the +veranda, like a veteran soldier, and Astor could see dad was an American +by the dandruff on his coat collar, and Astor said, “You are an American +citizen and you are welcome. Once I was like you, and didn't care a +continental dam for anybody, but in a moment of passion I renounced my +country, swore allegiance to this blawsted country, and everybody hates +me here, and I don't dare go home to collect my rent for fear I will be +quarantined at Ellis Island and sent back to England as an undesirable +emigrant who has committed a crime, and is not welcome in the land where +I was born. Old man, have a glass of Milwaukee beer and let's talk of +your home and my birthplace, and forget that there is such a country as +England.” Dad sat down on the porch, and I went out on the lawn chasing +peacocks and treeing guinea hens, and setting dogs on the swans, until a +butler or a duke or something took me by the collar and shook me till my +teeth got loose, and he took me back to the veranda and sat me down on +the bottom step so hard my hair raised right up stiff, like a porcupine. +Then I listened to dad and Astor talk about America, and I never saw a +man who seemed to be so ashamed that he was a brevet Englishman, as he +did. He said he had so much money that it made his headache to hear the +interest accumulate, nights, when he couldn't sleep, and yet he had no +more enjoyment than Dreyfus did on Devil's Island. He had automobiles +that would fill our exposition building, horses and carriages by the +score, but he never enjoyed a ride about London, because only one person +in ten thousand knew him, and those who did looked upon him with pity +and contempt because he had renounced his country to get solid with the +English aristocracy, and nobody would speak to him unless they wanted to +borrow money, and if they did borrow money from him he was afraid they +would pay it back, and make him trouble counting it. He told dad he +wanted to get back into America, and become a citizen again of that +grand old country of the stars and stripes, and asked dad how he could +do it, for he said he had rather work in a slaughter house in America +than be a grand duke in England. I never saw dad look so sorry for a man +as he did for Astor, and he told him the only way was to sell out his +ranch in London and go back on an emigrant ship, take out his first +papers, vote the democratic ticket and eventually become a citizen. +Astor was thinking over the proposition, and dad had asked him if he +was not afraid of dynamiters, when he shuddered and said every day he +expected to be blown sky high, and finally he smelled something burning +and said the smell reminded him of an American 4th of July. You see, I +had been sitting still on the step of the veranda so long I got nervous, +for something exciting, so I took a giant firecracker out of my +pocket and lit the long tail, and shoved it under the porch and looked +innocent, and just then one of the flunkies with the tightest pants you +ever saw came along and patted me on the head and said I was a nice boy, +and that made me mad, and when he went to sit down beside me on the step +I took my horse chestnut out of my pocket and put it on the step just +where he sat down, and how it happened to come out so I don't know, it +must have been Providence. + +[Illustration: Now I lay me down to sleep 094] + +You see just as the flunkey flunked on the chestnut burr, the fire +cracker went off, and the man jumped up and said '“Ells-fire, h'am +blowed,” and he had his hands on his pants, and the air was full of +smoke, and dad got on his knees and said, “Now I lay me,” and Mr. Astor +fainted all over a rocking chair and tipped beer bottles on the veranda +and more than forty servants came, and I told dad to come on, and we got +outside the gate, ahead of the police, and got a cab and drove quicker +than scat to the hotel, and I ast dad what he thought it was that went +off, and he said “You can search me,” but he said he had got enough of +trying to reform escaped Americans, and we got in the hotel and laid +low, and the newspapers told about a dynamite outrage, and laid it to +anarchists. Well I must close, cause we are going to see the American +minister and get a date to meet King' Edward. We won't do a thing to +Edward. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the + Whitechapel District--He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower + of London. + +London, England.--My Dear Chum: I received your letter yesterday, and it +made me homesick. Gee, but if I could be home there with you and go down +to the swimming hole and get in all over, and play tag in the sand, and +tie some boy's pants and shirt in knots, and yell that the police are +coming, and all grab our clothes under our arms and run across lots with +no clothes on, and get in a barn and put on our clothes, and dry our +hair by pounding it with a stick, so we would not get licked when we got +home, life would be worth living, but here all I do is to dodge people +on the streets and see them look cross when they step on me. + +Say, boy, you will never know your luck in being a citizen of good old +America, instead of a subject of Great Britain, because you have got +to be rich or be hungry here, and if you are too rich you have got no +appetite. You have heard of the roast beef of old England, but nobody +eats it but the dukes and bankers. The working men never even saw +a picture of a roast beef, and yet we look upon all Englishmen as +beef-eaters, but three-fourths of the people in this town look hungry +and discouraged, and they never seem to know whether they are going to +have any supper. + +I went down to a market this morning where the middle class and the very +poor people buy their supplies, and it would make you sick to see them. +They buy small loaves of bread and a penny's worth of tea, and that is +breakfast, and if a man is working he takes some of the bread to work +for lunch, and the wife or mother buys a carrot or a quarter of a +cabbage, and maybe a bone with a piece of meat about as big as a fish +bait, and that makes supper, with a growler of beer. + +Say, the chunk of meat with a bone that an American butcher would throw +at a dog that he had never been introduced to would be a banquet for a +large family over here. + +I have been down into the White Chapel district, which is the Five +Points of London, and of the thousands of tough people I saw there +was not a man but looked as though he would cut your liver out for a +shilling, and every woman was drunk on gin. What there is about gin that +makes it the national beverage for bad people beats me, for it looks +like water, tastes like medicine and smells like cold storage eggs. At +home when a person takes a drink of beer or whisky he at least looks +happy for a minute, and maybe he laughs, but here nobody laughs unless +somebody gets hurt, and that seems to tickle everybody in the White +Chapel district. + +The people look mad and savage when they are not drinking, as though +they were only looking for an opportunity to commit murder, and then +when they take a drink of gin, instead of smiling and smacking their +lips as though it was good and braced them up, they look as though +they had been stabbed with a dirk and they put on a look of revenge, +as though they would like to wring a child's neck or cut holes in the +people they meet. + +Two drinks of gin makes a man or woman look as though they had swallowed +a buzz saw. I always thought drinking liquor made people think they were +enjoying themselves, or that they took it to drive away care and make +them forget their sorrows, but when these people drink gin they seem +to do it the way an American drinks carbolic acid, to end the whole +business quick. + +At home the drinker drinks to make him feel like he was at a picnic. +Here every drinker acts like a suicide, who only hopes that he may +commit a murder before the gin ends his career. And there are hundreds +of thousands of people in this town who have no ambition except to get +a bit of bread to sustain them till they can get a drink of gin, and +gradually they let up on bread entirely and feed on gin, and look like +mad dogs and snarl at everybody they see, as much as to say: “What are +you going to do about it?” + +[Illustration: Snarl at everybody they see 101] + +A good square American meal would give them a fit, and they would go to +a hospital and die if the meal could not be got out of them. + +Gosh, but I was glad to get out of the White Chapel district, and I kept +looking back for fear one of the men or women would slit me up the back +with a butcher knife, and laugh like an insane asylum inmate. + +Do you know, those people who drink gin and go hungry are different from +our American murderers. Our murderers will assault you with a smile, rob +you with a joke on their tongue's end, and give you back car fare when +they hold you up, and if they murder you they will do it easy and lay +you out with your hands across on your breast and notify the coroner, +but your White Chapel murderer wants to disembowel you and cut you up +into chunks, and throw your remains head first into something nasty, +and if you have money enough on your person to buy a bottle of gin your +murderer is as well satisfied as though he got a roll. Some men in our +country commit murders in order to get money to lay away so they can +live a nice, respectable life and be good ever afterwards, but your slum +murderer in London just kills because his stomach craves a drink, and +when he gets it he is tame, like a tiger that has eaten a native of +India. + +You may think this letter is a solemn occasion because I tell you about +things that are not funny, but if you ever traveled abroad you will find +that there is no fun anywhere except in America unless you make it or +buy it. + +We are taking in the solemn things first in order to get dad's mind in a +condition so he can be cured of things he thinks ail him. I took dad to +the Tower of London, and when we got out of it he wanted to have America +interfere and have the confounded place burned down and grass sown on +the site and a park made of it. + +The tower covers 13 acres of ground, and there are more things brought +to a visitor's attention that ought to be forgotten than you ever +thought about. + +I remember attending the theater at home and seeing Richard the Third +played, and I remember how my sympathies were aroused for the two little +boy princes that were murdered by Richard the Third, but I thought it +was a fake play, and that there was nothing true about it, but, by gosh, +it was right here in the Tower of London that the old hump-backed cuss +murdered those little princes, and dad and I stood right on the spot, +and the beef-eater who showed us around told us all the particulars. Dad +was indignant, and said to the beef-eater: + +[Illustration: Stood around and let Richard kill those princes 098] + +“Do you mean to tell me you stood around and let Richard kill those +princes without uttering a protest or protecting them or ringing for +the police? By the great hornspoon, you must have been accessory to the +fact, and you ought to be arrested and hung,” and dad pounded his cane +on the stone floor and looked savage. + +The beef-eater got red in the face and said: “Begging your pardon, don't +you know, but h'l was not 'ere at the time. This 'istory was made six +'undred years ago.” + +Dad begged the man's pardon and told him he supposed the boys were +murdered a year or two ago, and he gave the beef-eater a dollar, and he +was so gratified I think he would have had a murder committed for dad +right there and then if dad had insisted on it. + +You feel in going through the tower like you was in an American +slaughter house, for it was here that kings and queens were beheaded +by the dozen. They showed us axes that were used to behead people, and +blocks that the heads of the victims were laid on, and the places where +the heads fell on the floor. It seemed that in olden times when a king +or a queen got too gay, the anti-kings or queens would go to the palace +and catch the king or queen in the act, and take them by the neck and +hustle them to the tower, and when a king or queen got in the tower they +went out on the installment plan, and after being thrown in the gutter +for the mob to recognize, and walk on the bodies, they would bring +them back in the tower, and seal them up in a pigeon hole for future +generations to cry over. + +All my life I have had in our house to look at a picture of beautiful +Anne Boleyn, and here I stood right where her head was cut off, and I +couldn't help thinking of how we in America got our civilization from +the descendants of the English people who cut her head off. + +By ginger, old chum, it made me hot. I didn't care to look at the old +armor, or the crown jewels, which make you think of a cut glass factory, +but I reveled in the scenes of the beheading. I never was stuck much +on kings and queens, but it seems to me if they had to murder them they +ought to have given 'em a show, and let them fight for their lives, +instead of getting into a trap, like you would entice a rat with cheese, +and then cut their heads off. + +I suppose it is right here that we inherited the desire to lynch and +burn at the stake the negroes that commit crime and won't confess at +home. When anything is born in the blood you can't get rid of it without +taking a dose of patriotism and purifying the blood, and I advise you +never to visit the Tower of London, unless you want to feel like going +out and killing some one that is tied up with a rope. + +Hearing of these murders and seeing the place where they were committed +does not give you an idea of fair play and you don't feel like taking +some one of your size when you fight, but you get to thinking that if +you could catch a cripple who couldn't defend himself you would like to +take a baseball club and maul the stuffing out of him. You become imbued +with the idea that if you went to war you would not want to stand up +and fight fair, but that you would like to get your enemy in a bunch +and drop dynamite down on him from a balloon, and kill all in sight, and +sail away with an insane laugh. + +Gee, but another day in this tower, and I would want to go home and +murder ma, or the neighbors. + +The only thing we have got in America that compares with the Tower of +London and its associates is the Leutgert sausage factory in Chicago, +where Leutgert got his wife into the factory, murdered her, and is +alleged to have cut her up in pieces and made sausage of the meat, given +the pieces with gristle in to his dogs, boiled the bones until they +would run into the sewer, dissolved the remnants in concentrated lye, +and sold the sausage to the lumber Jacks in the pine woods. + +I expect Chicago will buy that sausage factory and make a show of it, as +London does the tower, and you can go and see it, and feel that you are +as full of modern history as I am of ancient history, here in London. + +I could see that dad was getting nervous every time a new beheading +was described to us, and I thought it was time to wake him up. In going +through the room where the old armor was displayed the beef eater told +us who wore the different pieces of armor, and he said at times the +spirit of the dead came back to the tower and occupied the armor, and +I noticed that dad shied at some of the pieces of armor, so when we got +right into the midst of it, and there was armor on every side, and dad +and the beef eater were ahead of me, and dad was walking fast in order +to get out quick, I pushed over one of the pieces, and it went crashing +to the floor and the noise was like a boiler factory exploding, and the +dust of centuries rose up, and the noise echoed down the halls. + +Well, you'd a died to see dad and the beef eater. Dad turned pale and +got down on his knees, and I think he began to pray, if he knows how, +and he trembled like a leaf, and the beef eater got behind a set of +armor that Cromwell or some old duck used to wear, and said, “Wot in +the bloody 'ell is the matter with the h'armor?” and then a lot of other +beef eaters came, and they thought dad was the spirit of King John, and +they stampeded, and finally I got dad to stop praying, or whatever it +was that he was doing, and I led him out, and when he got into the open +air he recovered and said. “'Ennery, 'hi have got to get out of Lunnon, +don't you know, because me 'eart is palpitating,” and we went back to +the 'otel, to see if our invitation to visit King Hedward had arrived. + +[Illustration: Beefeater's stampede 107] + +Say, we are getting so we talk just like English coachmen, and you won't +hundredstand us when we get 'ome. Yours, with a haccent. + +'Ennery. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost + Settle the Irish Question. + +London, H-england.--Dear Uncle Ezra: The worst is over, and dad and I +have both touched a king. Not the way you think, touching a king for a +hand-out, or borrowing his loose change, the way you used to touch dad +when you had to pay for your goods, but just taking hold of his hand and +shaking it in good old United States fashion. + +The American minister arranged it for us. He told somebody that Peck's +Bad Boy and his dad were in town, and just wanted to size up a king and +see how he averaged up with United States politicians, and the king set +an hour for us to call. + +Well, you'd a dide to see dad fix up. Everybody said, when we showed our +card at the hotel, notifying us that we were expected at Marlboro House +at such a time, that we would be expected to put on plenty of dog. That +is what an American from Kalamazoo, who sells breakfast food, said, +and the hotel people said we would be obliged to wear knee breeches +and dancing pumps and silk socks, and all that kind of rot, and men's +furnishers began to call upon us to take our measure for clothes, but +when they told us how much it would cost, dad kicked. He said he had +a golf suit he had made in Oshkosh at the time of the tournament, that +every one in Oshkosh said was out of sight, and was good enough for +any king, and so he rigged up in it, and I hired a suit at a masquerade +place, and dad hired a coat, kind of red, to go with his golf pants and +socks, and he wore canvas tennis shoes. + +[Illustration: Suit he had made in Oshkosh 111] + +I looked like a picture out of a fourteenth century book, but dad looked +like a clown in a circus. One of dad's calves made him look as though he +had a milk leg, cause the padding would not stay around where the calf +ought to be, but worked around towards his shin. We went to Marlboro +House in a hansom cab, and all the way there the driver kept looking +down from the hurricane deck, through the scuttle hole, to see if we +were there yet, and he must have talked with other cab drivers in sign +language about us, for every driver kept along with us, looked at us and +laughed, as though we were a wild west show. + +On the way to the king's residence it was all I could do to keep dad +braced up to go through the ordeal. He was brave enough before we got +the invitation, and told what he was going to say to the king, and you +would think he wasn't afraid of anybody, but when we got nearer to the +house and dad thought of going up to the throne and seeing a king in all +his glory, surrounded by his hundreds of lords and dukes and things, a +crown on his head, and an ermine cloak trimmed with red velvet, and a +six-quart milk pan full of diamonds, some of them as big as a chunk of +alum, dad weakened, and wanted to give the whole thing up and go to a +matinee, but I wouldn't have it, and told him if he didn't get into the +king row now that I would shake him right there in London and start in +business as a Claude Duval highwayman and hold up stage coaches, and +be hung on Tyburn Tree, as I used to read about in my history of +Sixteen-String Jack and other English highwaymen. Dad didn't want to see +the family disgraced, so he let the cabman drive on, but he said if +we got out of this visit to royalty alive, it was the last tommyrot he +would indulge in. + +Well, old man, it is like having an operation for appendicitis, you feel +better when you come out from under the influence of the chloroform and +the doctor shows you what they took out of you, and you feel that you +are going to live, unless you grow another vermiform appendix. We were +driven into a sort of Central park, and up to a building that was big +as a lot of exposition buildings, and the servants took us in charge and +walked us through long rooms covered with pictures as big as side show +pictures at a circus, but instead of snake charmers and snakes and wild +men of Borneo and sword swallowers, the king's pictures were about war, +and women without much clothes on from the belt up. Gosh, but some of +those pictures made you think you could hear the roar of battle and +smell gun powder, and dad acted as though he wanted to git right down on +the marble floor and dig a rifle pit big enough to git into. + +They walked us around like they do when you are being initiated into a +secret society, only they didn't sing, “Here comes the Lobster,” and hit +you with a dried bladder. The servants that were conducting us laffed. +I had never seen an Englishman laff before, and it was the most +interesting thing I saw in London. Most Englishmen look sorry about +something, as though some dear friend died every day, and their faces +seem to have grown that way. So when they laff it seems as though the +wrinkles would stay there, unless they treated their faces with massage. +They were laughing at dad's dislocated calf, and his scared appearance, +as though he was going to receive the thirty-second degree, and didn't +know whether they were going to throw him over a precipice or pull him +up to the roof by the hind legs. We passed a big hall clock, and it +struck just when we were near it, and of all the “Hark, from the tombs” + sounds I ever heard, that clock took the cake. Dad thought it sounded +like a death knell, and he would have welcomed the turning in of a fire +alarm as a sound that meant life everlasting, beside that doleful sound. + +After we had marched about three mile heats, and passed the chairs of +the noble grand and the senior warden, and the exalted ruler, we came to +a bronze door as big as the gate to a cemetery, and the grand conductor +gave us a few instructions about how to back out fifteen feet from the +presence of the king, when we were dismissed, and then he turned us over +to a little man who was a grand chambermaid, I understood the fellow +to say. The door opened, and we went in, and dad's misplaced calf was +wobbling as though he had locomotor attacks-ye. + +Well, there were a dozen or so fellows standing around, and they all had +on some kind of uniforms, with gold badges on their breasts, and in the +midst of them was a little, sawed-off fat fellow, not taller than five +feet six, but a perfect picture of the cigar advertisements of America +for a cigar named after the king. I expected to see a king as big as +Long John Wentworth of Chicago, a great big fellow that could take a +small man by the collar and throw him over a house, and I felt hurt at +the small size of the king of Great Britain, but, gosh, he is just like +a Yankee, when you get the formality shook off. + +We bowed and dad made a courtesy like an old woman, and the king came +forward with a smile that ought to be imitated by every Englishman. They +all imitate his clothes and his hats and his shoes, but he seems to be +the only Englishman that smiles. Maybe it is patented, and nobody has a +right to smile without paying a royalty, but the good-natured smile of +King Edward is worth more than stomach bitters, and the English ought +to be allowed to copy it. There is no more solemn thing than a party of +Englishmen together in America, unless it is a party of speculators +that are short on wheat, or a gathering of defeated politicians when the +election returns come in. But the king is as jolly as though he had not +a note coming due at the bank, and you would think he was a good, common +citizen, after working hours, at a round beer table, with two schooner +loads in the hold and another schooner on the way, frothing over the top +of the stein. That is the feeling I had for the king when he came up +to us and greeted dad as the father of the bad boy and patted me on the +shoulder and said: “And so you are the boy that has made more trouble +than any boy in the world, and had more fun than anybody, and made +them all stand around and wonder what was coming next. You're a wonder. +Strange the American people never thought of killing you.” I said +yessir, and tried to look innocent, and then the king told dad to sit +down, and for me to come and stand by his knee, and by ginger, when +he patted me on the cheek, and his soft hand squeezed my hand, and he +looked into my eyes with the most winning expression, I did not wonder +that all the women were in love with him, and that all Englishmen would +die for him. + +He asked dad all about America, its institutions, the president, and +everything, and dad was just so flustered that he couldn't say much, +until the king said something about the war between the States, in which +the southern states achieved a victory. I don't know whether the king +said that just to wake dad up, 'cause dad had a grand army button on his +coat, but dad choked up a little, and then began to explode, a little at +a time, like a bunch of firecrackers, and finally he went off all in a +bunch. Dad said: “Look a here, Mr. King, some one has got you all balled +up about that war. I know, because I was in it, and now the north and +the south are United, and can whip any country that wants to fight a +champion, and will go out and get a reputation, by gosh!” + +The king laughed at touching dad off, and asked dad what was the matter +of America and Great Britain getting together and making all nations +know when they had better keep their places, and quit talking about +fighting. Dad said he never would consent to America and Great Britain +getting together to fight any country until Ireland got justice and +was ready to come into camp on an equality, and the king said he would +answer for the Irishmen of Ireland if dad would pledge the Irishmen of +America, 'cause we had about as many Irishmen in America as he had in +Ireland, and dad said if the king would give Ireland what she asked for, +he would see that the Irishmen in America would sing God Save the King. + +[Illustration: Settling the Irish question 115] + +I guess dad and the king would have settled the Irish question in +about fifteen minutes, and signed a treaty, only a servant brought in a +two-quart bottle of champagne, and dad and the king hadn't drank a quart +apiece before dad started to sing “My Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land +of Libertee,” and the king sang “God Save the King,” and, by thunder, it +was the same tune, and tears came into dad's eyes, and the king took out +his handkerchief and wiped his nose, and I bellered right out, and the +king rose and offered a toast to America and everybody in it, and they +swallered it, and dad said there was enough juice left in the bottle +for one more round, and he proposed a toast to all the people of Great +Britain, including the Irish and the king who loved them, and down she +went, and they were standing up. And I told dad it was time to go. + +[Illustration: God save the king 119] + +Say, it was great, Uncle Ezra, and I wish you could have been there, and +there had been another bottle. The only thing that happened to mar +the reunion of dad and the king was when we were going out backwards, +bowing. There was a little hassock back of me, and I kicked it back of +dad, and when dad's heels struck it he went over backwards and struck +on his golf pants, and dad said: “El, 'Ennery, I'ave broken my bloomink +back, but who cares,” and when the servants picked dad up and took him +out in the hall and marched us to the entrance, dad got in the cab, gave +the grand hailing sign of distress, started to sing God save something +or other, and went to sleep in the cab, and I took him to the hotel. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + +[Illustration: He went over backwards 121] + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen--They + Get a Taste of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story + of the Picklemaker's Daughter. + +London, England.--My Dear Old Skate: Well, if we are going to see any of +the other countries on this side of the water before our return ticket +expires, we have got to be getting a move on, and dad says in about +a week we will be doing stunts in Paris that will bring about a +revolution, and wind up the republic of France, and seat some nine-spot +on the throne that Napoleon used to wear out his buckskin pants on. + +Dad asked me tother day what I cared most to see in London, and I told +him I wanted to visit Newgate prison, and the places made famous by the +bold highwaymen of a century or two ago. He thought I was daffy, but +when I told him how I had read “Claude Duval” and “Six-teen-String Jack” + and all the highway literature, in the haymow, when dad thought I was +weeding the garden, he confessed that he used to hunt those yellow +covered books out of the manger when I was not reading them, and that +he had read them all himself, when I thought he was studying for his +campaign speeches, and so he said he would go with me. So we visited +Homestead Heath, where Claude Duval used to ride “Black Bess,” and hold +up people who traveled at night in post chaises, and we found splendid +spots where there had been more highway robbery going on than any place +east of Missouri, but I was disgusted when I thought what chumps those +old highway robbers were, compared to the American highway robbers and +hold up men of the present day. + +In Claude Duval's time he had a brace of flintlock pistols, which he had +to examine the priming every time a victim showed up, and while he +was polite when he robbed a duchess, he used to kill people all right, +though if they had had cameras at that time the flash from the priming +pan would have taken a flash-light picture of the robber, so he could +have been identified when he rode off in the night to a roadside inn and +filled up on beer, while he counted the ten shillings he had taken from +the silk purse of the victim. Why, one of our American gangs that hold +up a train, and get an express safe full of greenbacks, and shoots up +a mess of railroad hands and passengers with Winchesters and automatic +pistols, and blows up cars with dynamite and gets away and has to have +a bookkeeper and a cashier to keep their bank accounts straight, could +give those old Claude Duvals and Sixteen-String Jacks cards and spades. + +But civilization, dad says, has done much for the highway robbery +business, and he says we in America have arrived at absolute perfection. +However, I was much interested in looking over the ground where my first +heroes lived and died, and did business, and when we went to the prisons +where they were confined, and were shown where Tyburn Tree stood, that +so many of them were hung on, tears came to my eyes at the thought that +I was on the sacred ground where my heroes croaked, and went to their +deaths with smiles on their faces, and polite to the last. The guard who +showed us around thought that dad and I were relatives of the deceased +highwaymen, and when we went away he said to dad: “Call again, Mr. +Duval. Always glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes. What +line of robbery are you in, Mr. Duval?” Dad was mad, but he told +the guard he was now on the stock exchange, and so we maintained the +reputation of the family. + +[Illustration: Glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes 126] + +Then we hired horses and took a horse back ride through Rotten Row, +where everybody in London that has the price, rides a horse, and no +carriages are allowed. Dad was an old cavalry man forty years ago, +and he is stuck on his shape when he is on a horse, but he came near +breaking up the horse back parade the day we went for the ride. The +liveryman gave us two bob-tailed nags, a big one for dad and a small one +for me, but they didn't have any army saddle for dad, and he had to ride +on one of these little English saddles, such as jockeys ride races on, +and dad is so big where he sits on a saddle that you couldn't see the +saddle, and I guess they gave dad a hurdle jumper, because when we got +right amongst the riders, men and women, his horse began to act up, and +some one yelled, “Tally-ho,” and that is something about fox hunting, +not a coach, and the horse jumped a fence and dad rolled off over the +bowsprit and went into a ditch of dirty water. + +[Illustration: Dad rolled off over the bowsprit 128] + +The horse went off across a field, and the policeman fished dad out of +the ditch, and run him through a clothes wringer or something, and got +him dried out, and sent him to the hotel in an express wagon, and I rode +my horse back to the liveryman and told him what happened to dad, and +they locked me up in a box stall until somebody found the horse, 'cause +they thought dad was a horse thief, and they held me for ransom. But dad +came around before night and paid my ransom, and we were released. Dad +says Rotten Row is rotten, all right enough, and by ginger it is, 'cause +he has not got the smell of that ditch off his clothes yet. + +Now he has got a new idea, and that is to go to some country where there +are bandits, different from the bandits here in London, and be captured +and taken to the mountain fastnesses, and held for ransom until our +government makes a fuss about it, and sends warships after-us. I tell +dad it would be just our luck to have our government fail to try to get +us, and the bandits might cut our heads off and stick them on a pole +as a warning to people not to travel unless they had a ransom concealed +about their clothes. But dad says he is out to see all the sights, and +he is going to be ransomed before he gets home, if it takes every dollar +our government has got. I think he is going to work the bandit racket +when we get to Turkey, but, by ginger, he can leave me at a convent, +because I don't want one of those crooked sabers run into me and turned +around like a corkscrew. Dad says I can stay in a harem while he goes to +the mountains with the bandits, and I don't know as I care, as they say +a harem is the most interesting place in Turkey. You know the pictures +we have studied in the old grocery, where a whole bunch of beautiful +women are practicing using soap in a marble bath. + +Well, don't you say anything to ma about it, but dad has got his foot +in it clear up to the top button. It isn't anything scandalous, though +there is a woman at the bottom of it. You see, we used to know a girl +that left home to go out into the world and earn her own living. She +elocuted some at private parties and sanitariums, to entertain people +that were daffy, and were on the verge of getting permanent bats in +their belfry, and after a few years she got on the stage, and made +a bunch of money, and went abroad. And then she had married a titled +person, and everybody supposed she was a duchess, or a countess, and ma +wanted us to inquire about her when we got over here. Ma didn't want us +to go and hunt her up to board with her, or anything, but just to get +a glimpse of high life, and see if our poor little friend was doing +herself proud in her new station in life. + +[Illustration: Isn't money enough in the whole family to wad a gun 131] + +Gee, but dad found her, and she ain't any more of a duchess than I am. +Her husband is a younger son of a titled person, but there isn't money +enough in the whole family to wad a gun, and our poor girl is working in +a shop, or store, selling corsets to support a lazy, drunken husband and +a whole mess of children, and while she is seven removes from a duchess, +she does not rank with the woman who washes her mother's clothes at +home. Gosh, but dad was hot when he found her, and after she told him +about her situation in life he gave her a yellow-backed fifty-dollar +bill, and came back to the hotel mad, and wanted to pack up and go +somewhere else, where he didn't know any titled-persons. + +That night a couple of dukes came around to the hotel to sell dad some +stock in a diamond mine in South Africa, and they got to talking about +how English society held over our crude American society, until dad got +an addition to the mad he had when he called on our girl, and when one +of the dukes said America was being helped socially by the marriage +of American women to titled persons, dad got a hot box, like a stalled +freight train. + +Says dad, says he: “You Johnnies are a lot of confidence men, who live +only to rope in rich American girls, so you can marry them and have +their dads lift the mortgages on your ancestral estates, and put on tin +roofs in place of the mortgages, 'cause a mortgage will not shed rain, +and you get their money and spend it on other women.” One of the dukes +turned red like a lobster, and I think he is a lobster, anyway, and he +was going to make dad stop talking, but the duke didn't know dad, and he +continued. Says dad, says he: “I know a rich old man in the States, who +made ten million dollars on pickles, or breakfast food, and he had a +daughter that was so homely they couldn't keep a clock going in the +house. + +“She came over here and got exposed to a duke, and she had never been +vaccinated, and the first her father knew she caught the duke, and came; +home, and he followed her. Say, he didn't know enough to pound sand, and +the old man got several doctors for her, but they couldn't break up the +duke fever, and finally the old pickle citizen asked him how much the +mortgage was, and how much they could live on, and he bought her the +duke, and sent them off, and the duke covered his castle with building +paper, so it would hold water, and they set up housekeeping with a +hundred servants. Then the duke wanted a racing stable, after the baby +came, and the old pickle man went over to see the baby, and it looked +so much like the old man that he invested in a racing stable, and the +servants bowed low to the old man and called him 'Your 'ighness,' +and that settled the old pickle person, and he fell into the trap of +building a townhouse in London. + +“Then he went home and made some more pickles, and the daughter cabled +him to come right over, as they had been invited to entertain the king +and a lot of other face cards in the pack. And the old man thought it +would be great to get in the king row himself, so he shoveled a lot of +big bills into some packing trunks and went over to fix up for the king. +The castle had to be redecorated for about six miles, up one corridor +and down the other, but Old Pickles stood the raise, because he thought +it would be worth the money to be on terms of intimacy with a king. + +“Then when it was all ready, and the old man was going to stand at the +front door and welcome the king, they made him go to his room, back +about a half a mile in the rear of the castle, and for two weeks old +Pickles had his meals brought to his room, and when it was over, and +his sentence had expired, he was let out, and all he saw of the grand +entertainment to the crowned heads was a ravine full of empty wine +bottles, a case of jimjams for a son-in-law, a case of nervous +prostration for a daughter, and hydrophobia for himself. My old pickle +friend has got, at this date, three million good pickle dollars invested +in your d--d island, and all he has to show for it is a sick daughter, +neglected by a featherhead of a husband, who will only speak to old +pickles when he wants more money, and a grandchild that may die teething +at any time. You are a nice lot of ducks to talk to me about your +English society being better than our American civilization. You get,” + and dad drove the dukes out. + +[Illustration: Dad drove the dukes out 135] + +I think they are going to have dad arrested for treason. But don't tell +ma, 'cause she may think treason serious. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + The Bay Boy Writes About Paris--Tells About the Trip Across + the English Channel--Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested. + +Paris, France.--My Dear Uncle Ezra: Dad is in an awful state here, and I +do not know what to do with him. We struck this town all in a heap, and +the people seemed to be paralyzed so they couldn't speak, except to make +motions and make noises that we could not interpret. This is the +first time dad and I have been in a place where nobody understood our +language. Ordinarily we would take pleasure in teaching people to speak +the English language, but in coming across the English channel dad and +I both got something we never got on the water before. Ordinary +seasickness is only an incident, that makes you wish you were dead--just +temporary, but when it wears off you can enjoy your religion and +victuals as well as ever, but the seasickness that the English channel +gives you is a permanent investment, like government bonds that you cut +coupons off of. I 'spect we shall be sick always now, and worse every +other day, like chills and fever. + +Say, a boat on the English channel does not roll, or pitch, at +intervals, like a boat on ordinary water, but it does stunts like a +broncho that has been poisoned by eating loco-weeds, and goes into the +air and dives down under, and shakes itself like a black bass with a +hook in its mouth, and rolls over like a trained dog, and sits up on its +hind legs and begs, and then walks on its fore paws, and seems to jump +through hoops, and dig for woodchucks, and all the time the water boils +like 'pollinarius, full of bubbles, and it gives you the hiccups to look +at it, and it flows every way at the same time, and the wind comes from +the fourteen quarters at once, and blows hot if you are too hot and want +a cool breeze, and if you are too cold, and want a warm breeze to keep +you alive, it comes right from the north pole, and you just perish in +your tracks. + +Gee, but it is awful. When you get seasick on an ordinary ocean, you +know where to locate the disease, and you know where to go for relief, +and when you have got relieved you know that you are alive, but an +English channel seasickness is as different from any other as an +alcohol jag is different from a champagne drunk. This English channel +seasickness begins on your toes, and you feel as though the toenails +were being pulled out with pincers, and the veins in your legs seem to +explode, your arms wilt like lettuce in front of a cheap grocery, your +head seems to be struck with a pile-driver and telescoped down into your +spine, and your stomach feels as though you had swallowed a telephone +pole with all of the cross arms and wires and glass insulators, and you +wish lightning would strike you. Gosh, but dad was hot when he found +that he was sick that way, and when we got ashore he wanted to kill the +first man he met. + +He thinks that it is a crime for a man not to understand the English +language, and when he tells what he wants, and the man he is talking to +shrugs his shoulders and laughs, and brings him something else, he wants +to pull his gun and begin to shoot up the town, and only for me he would +have killed people before this, but now he takes it out in scowling at +people who do not understand him. Dad seems to think that if he cannot +make a man understand what he says, all he has to do is to swear at the +man, but there is no universal language of profanity, so the more dad +swears the more the nervous Frenchman smiles, and acts polite. + +I think the French people are the politest folks I ever knew. If a +Frenchman had to kick a person out of doors, he would wear a felt +slipper, and after he had kicked you he would place his hand on his +heart, and bow, and look so sorry, and hurt, that you would want to give +him a tip. + +O, but this tipping business is what is breaking dad's heart. I think +if the servants would arrange a syndicate to rob dad of two or three dol +lars a day, by pocket picking, or sneak thieving, he would overlook +it, and say that as long as it was one of the customs of the country +we should have to submit to it, but when he has paid his bill, with +everything charged extra, and the servants line up and look appealingly, +or mad, as the case may be, dad is the hardest man to loosen that ever +was, but if they seem to look the other way, and not, apparently, care +whether they get a cent or not, dad would go and hunt them up, and +divide his roll with them. Dad is not what you would call a “tight wad,” + if you let him shed his money normally, when he feels the loosening +coming on, but you try to work him by bowing and cringing, and his +American spirit gets the better of him, and he looks upon the servant as +pretty low down. I have told him that the tipping habit is just as bad +in America as in France, but he says in America the servant acts as +though he never had such a thought as getting a tip, and when you give +him a quarter or other tip he looks puzzled, as though he did not just +recall what he had done to merit such treatment, but finally puts the +money in his pocket with an air as though he would accept it in trust, +to be given to some deserving person at the first opportunity, and then +he smiles, and gets away, and blows in the tip for something wet and +strong. + +I told dad if he would just ignore the servants, as though he did not +understand that they expected a tip, that he would be all right, so when +we got ready to move from the hotel to private rooms dad never gave any +servant a tip. Well, I don't know what the servants did to our baggage, +but they must have marked it with a smallpox sign, or something, for +nobody would touch it for several hours, but finally a baggage man took +it and started for our apartments, and got lost and didn't show up for +two days, and when it was finally landed on the sidewalk nobody would +carry it upstairs, and dad and I had to lug it up two flights, and I +thought dad would have apoplexy. + +[Illustration: Coughs up a tip every time 143] + +We found a guide who could talk New Orleans English and he said it would +cost three dollars to square it with the servants at the hotel, and have +the boycott removed from our baggage, and dad paid it, and now he coughs +up a tip every time he sees a servant look at him. He pays when he goes +in a restaurant and when he comes out, and says he is cured of trying to +reform the customs of anybody else's country. + +We have engaged a guide to stay with us day and night. The guide took +us out for a bat last night, and dad had the time of his life. Dad has +drank a good deal of spiritous and malt liquors in his time, but I don't +think he ever indulged much in champagne at three or four dollars a +bottle at home. Maybe he has been saving himself up till he got over +here, where champagne is cheap and it takes several quarts to make you +see angels. The guide took us to one of these bullyvards, where there +are tables out on the sidewalk, and you can eat and drink and look at +the dukes and counts and dutchesses and things promenading up and down, +flirting like sin, and we sat down to a table and ordered things to eat +and drink, and dad looked like Uncle Sam, and felt his oats. + +[Illustration: A tone of voice that meant trouble 138] + +When he had drank a few thimblefuls of absinthe, and some champagne, and +eat a plateful of frogs, he was just ripe for trouble. A woman and a man +at an adjoining table had one of these white dogs that is sheared like +a hedge fence, with spots of long hair left on in places, and dad coaxed +the dog over to our table and began to feed him frogs' legs, and the +woman began to talk French out loud, and look cross at dad, and the +count that was with her came over to our table and looked at dad in +a tone of voice that meant trouble, and said something sassy, and the +guide said the man wanted to fight a duel because dad had contaminated +the woman's dog, and dad got mad and offered to wipe out the whole +place, and he got up with a champagne bottle and looked defiance at the +count, and the waiters began to scatter, when the woman came up to dad +and begged him not to hurt the count, and as she spoke broken English +dad could understand her, and she looked so beautiful, and her eyes were +filled with tears, and dad relented and said: “Don't cry, dear, I won't +hurt the little runt.” She was so glad dad was not going to kill the +count that she threw herself into his arms and thanked dear America +for producing such a grand citizen, such a brave man as dad, who could +forego the pleasure of killing a poor, weak man who had insulted him, +particularly as dad's wild Indian ancestry made it hard for him to +refrain from blood. + +[Illustration: I won't hurt the little runt 145] + +Well, dad's face was a study, as he braced up and held that 150 pounds +of white meat in his arms, with all the people looking on, and he seemed +proud and heroic, and he stroked her hair and told her not to worry, and +finally she hied herself away from dad and the count took her away, +and they went up the bullyvard, and after all was quiet again dad said: +“Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. When you are tempted to commit a +rash act and avenge an insult in blood, stop and think of the sorrow and +shame that will come to you if you draw your gun too quick, and have a +widow on your hands as the result. Suppose I had killed that shrimp, the +face of his widow would have haunted me always, and I would have wanted +to die. Don't ever kill anybody, my boy, if you can settle a dispute by +shaking the dice.” + +Well, dad ordered some more wine, and as he drank it, he allowed +the populace to admire him and say things about the great American +millionaire, who spent money like water and was too brave to fight. Then +dad called for his check to pay his bill, and when he felt in his pocket +for his roll of bills, he hadn't a nickel and the woman, when she was in +his arms, weeding with one hand, had gone through dad's pockets with the +other. Dad felt for his watch, to see what time it was, and his watch +was gone, and the waiter was waiting for the money and dad tried to +explain that he had been buncoed, and the head waiter came and begun to +act sassy, and then they called a policeman to stay by us till the money +was produced, and everybody at the other tables laughed, and dad turned +blue, and I thought he would have a fit. Finally, the guide began to +talk, and the result was that a policeman went home with us, and dad +found money enough to pay the bill, but he talked language that caused +the landlady to ask us to find a new place. + +[Illustration: Tried to explain that he had been buncoed 148] + +The next morning the guide showed up with an officer who had a warrant +for dad for hugging a woman in a public cafe, and it seemed as though we +were in for it, but the guide said he could settle the whole business +by paying the officer $20, and dad paid it and I think the guide and the +officer divided the money. Say, this is the greatest town we have struck +yet for excitement, and I guess dad will not have a chance to think of +his sickness. + +This morning we went into a big department store, and, by gosh! we +found the count that dad was going to fight was a floor-walker, and +the countess was behind a counter selling soap. When dad saw the count +leering at him, he put his hand on his pistol pocket and yelled a +regular cowboy yell, and the count rushed down into the basement, the +soap countess fainted, and the police took dad to the police station, +and all day the guide and I have been trying to get him out on bail. +If we get dad out of this we are going to put a muzzle on him. Well, if +anyone asks you if I am having much of a time abroad, you can tell them +the particulars. + +P. S.--We got dad out for $20 and costs, and he says he will blow Paris +up before night. We are going up to the top of the Eiffel tower this +afternoon, to count our money, as dad dasscnt take out his pocketbook +anywhere on the ground for fear of being robbed. + +Yours full of frogs. + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris--Dad Poses as a + Mormon Bishop and Has to Be Rescued--They Climb the Eiffel + Tower and the Old Man Gets Converted. + +Paris, France.--Old Pardner in Crime: I got your letter, telling me +about the political campaign that is raging at home, and when I read it +to dad he wanted to go right out and fill up on campaign whisky and yell +for his presidential candidate, but he couldn't find any whisky, so he +has not tried to carry any precincts of Paris for our standard-bearer. + +There is something queer about the liquor here. There is no regular +campaign beverage. At home you can select a drink that is appropriate +for any stage of a campaign. When the nominations are first made you are +not excited and beer and cheese sandwiches seem to fit the case A little +later, when the orators begin to come out into the open and shake their +hair, you take cocktails and your eyes begin to resemble those of a +caged rat, and you are ready to quarrel with an opponent. The next stage +in the campaign is the whisky stage, and when you have got plenty of it +the campaign may be said to be open, and you wear black eyes and lose +your teeth, and you swear strange oaths and smell of kerosene, and only +sleep in the morning. Then election comes and if your side wins you +drink all kinds of things at once for a week, shout hoarsely and then +go to the Keeley cure, but if your party loses you stay home and take a +course of treatment for nervous prostration and say you will never mix +up in another campaign. + +Here in France it is different. The people have nervous prostration to +start on, start a campaign on champagne, wind up on absinthe, and after +the votes are counted go to an insane asylum. I do not know what first +got dad to drink absinthe and I don't know what it is, but it looks like +soap suds, tastes like seed cookies and smells like vermifuge. But it +gets there just the same and the result of drinking it is about the same +as the result of drinking anything in France--it makes you want to hug +somebody. + +At home when a man gets full of whisky, he wants to hug the man he +drinks with and weep on his collar, and then hit him on the head with +a bottle; but here every kind of drink puts the drinker in condition to +want to hug. Dad says he never knew he had a brain until he learned to +drink absinthe, but now he can close his eyes and see things worse than +any mince pie nightmare, and when we go out among people he never sees +a man at all, but when a woman passes along, dad's eyes begin to take +turns winking at them and it is all I can do to keep him from proposing +marriage to every woman he sees. + +[Illustration: Badge on dad's breast, with the word “Bishop” 153] + +I thought I would break him of this woman foolishness, so I told +everybody dad was a Mormon bishop, and had a grand palace at Salt Lake +City, and owned millions of gold mines and tabernacles and wanted to +marry a thousand women and take them to Utah and place them at the head +of homes of their own, and he would just call once or twice a week and +leave bags of gold for his wives to spend. A newspaper reporter, that +could talk English, wrote a piece for a paper about dad wanting to marry +a whole lot and he said life in Utah was better than a Turkish harem, +cause the wives of a Mormon bishop did not have to be locked up and +watched by unix, but could flirt and blow in money and go out to dances +and have just as much fun as though they lived in Newport, and had got +divorces from millionaires, and he said any woman who wanted to marry a +Mormon bishop could meet dad on the bullyvard near a certain monument, +on a certain day. I was on to it, with the reporter, and we hired a +carriage and went to the bullyvard, just at the time the newspaper said +and I put a big red badge on dad's breast, with the word “Bishop” on it, +and dad had been drinking absinthe and he thought the badge was a kind +of sign of nobility. Well, you'd adide to see the bunch of women that +were there to meet dad. “What's the matter here?” said dad, as he +saw the crowd of women, looking like they were there in answer to an +advertisement for nurses. I told dad to stand up in the carriage, like +Dowie does in Chicago, and hold out his hands and say: “Bless you, my +children,” and when dad got up to bless them, the reporter and I got out +of the carriage, and the reporter, which could talk French, said for all +the women who wanted to be Mormon wives to get into the carriage with +the bishop and be sealed for life. + +Well, sir, you'd a thought it was a remnant sale! More than a dozen got +into the carriage with dad, and about 400 couldn't get in, but when the +scared driver started up the horses, they all followed the carriage, and +then the mounted police surrounded the whole bunch and moved them off +towards the police station, and dad under the wagonload of females, each +one trying to get the nearest to him, so as to be his favorite wife. + +It got noised around that a foreign potent-ate had been arrested with +his whole harem for conduct unbecoming to a potent-ate, and so when +we got to the jail dad had to be rescued from his wives, and they were +driven into a side street by the police, and dad was locked up to save +his life. The reporter and I went to the jail to get him out, but we had +to buy a new suit of clothes for him, as everything was torn off him in +the Mormon rush. + +[Illustration: Dad was a sight when we found him in jail 155] + +Dad was a sight when we found him in jail, and he thought his bones +were broken, and he wanted to know what was the cause of his sudden +popularity with the fair sex, and I told him it all came from his +looking so confounded distinguished, and his flirting with women. He +said he would swear he never looked at one of those women in a tone of +voice that would deceive a Sunday school teacher, and he felt as though +he was being misunderstood in France. We told him the only way to get +out of jail was to say he was a crowned head from Oshkosh, traveling +incog, and when he began to stand on his dignity and demand that a +messenger be sent for the president of France, to apologize for the +treatment he had received, the jailer and police begged his pardon and +we dressed him up in his new clothes and got him out, and we went to the +Eiffel tower to get some fresh air. + +I suppose you have seen pictures of the Eiffel tower, on the +advertisements of breakfast food in your grocery, but you can form +no idea of the height and magnificence of the tower by studying +advertisements. You may think that the pictures you see of world events +on your cans of baked beans and maple syrup and soap, give you the +benefit of foreign travel, but it does not. You have got to see the +real thing or you are not fit to even talk about what you think you have +seen. You remember that Ferris wheel at the Chicago world's fair, and +how we thought it was the greatest thing ever made of steel, so high +that it made us dizzy to look to the top of it, and when we went up +on the wheel we thought we could see the world, from Alaska to South +Africa, and we marveled at the work of man and prayed that we be +permitted to get down off that wheel alive, and not be spilled down +through the rarified Chicago atmosphere and flattened on the pavement so +thin we would have to be scraped up off the pavement with a case knife, +like a buckwheat cake that sticks to the griddle. + +You remember, old man, how you cried when our sentence to ride in the +Ferris wheel expired, and the jailer of the wheel opened the cell and +let us out, and you said no one would ever get you to ride again on +anything that you couldn't jump out of if it balked, or you got wheels +in your head and chunks of things came up to your Adam's apple and +choked you. Well, cross my heart, if that Ferris wheel, that looked so +big to us, would make a main spring for the Eiffel tower. The tower is +higher than a kite, and when you get near it and try to look up to the +top, you think it is a joke, and that really no one actually goes up to +the top of it. You see some flies up around the top of it, and when the +guide tells you the flies crawling around there are men and women, you +think the guide has been drinking. + +[Illustration: Flies crawling around there are men and women 157] + +But dad and I and the guide paid our money, got into an elevator and +began to go up. After the thing had been going up awhile dad said he +wouldn't go up more than a mile or so at first, and asked the man to let +him off at the 3,000-foot level, but the elevator man said dad had got +to take all the degrees and dad said: “Let her went,” and after an hour +or so we got to the top. + +Gee! but I thought dad would fall dead right there, when he looked off +at Paris and the world beyond. The flies we had seen at the top before +starting had changed to human beings, all looking pale and scared, and +the human beings on the ground had changed into flies and bugs, for all +you could see of a man on the ground was his feet with a flattened plug +hat someway fastened on the ankles, and a woman looked like a spoonful +of raspberry jam dropped on the pavement, or a splash of current jelly +moving on the ground in a mysterious way. I do not know as the Eiffel +tower was intended to act as a Keeley cure, but of the 50 people +who went up with us, half of them were so full their back teeth were +floating, including dad and the guide, but when we got to the top and +they got a view of the awful height to which we had come, it seemed as +though every man got sober at once, and their tongues seemed to cleave +to the roof of their mouths. All they could do was to look off at the +city and the view in the distance, and choke up, and look sorry about +something. + +I couldn't help thinking of what sort of a pulp a man would be if he +fell off the top of the tower and struck a fat woman on the pavement, +cause it seemed to me you couldn't tell which was fat woman and which +was man. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad, after +he got his second wind and got his voice working. He looked like a man +who had made up his mind to lead a different life and begin right there. + +[Illustration: He took out a five-dollar bill 159] + +There was a Salvation Army man and woman in the crowd and dad went up to +them. He took out a five-dollar bill and put it in the tambourine of the +lassie, and said to the man and woman: “Now, look a here, I want to +join your church, and if you have got the facilities for giving me the +degrees, you can sign me as a Christian right now. I have been a bad +man, and never thought I needed the benefits of religious training, but +since I got up here, so near Heaven, in an elevator which I will bet $10 +will break and kill us all before we get down to Paris, I want you to +prepare me for the hereafter quick.” + +Some of the other fellows laughed at dad, and the Salvation Army people +looked as though dad was drunk, but he continued: “You can laugh and be +jammed, but I'll never leave this place until I am a pious man, and +you Salvation Army people have got to enlist me in your army, for I +am scared plum to death. Go ahead and convert me, while we wait.” The +Salvation Army captain put his hand on dad's head, the girl held out +the tambourine for another contribution, and dad felt a sweet peace come +over him, and we went down in the elevator and took a hack to the hotel, +and dad's lips worked as though in pain. + +H. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to + Break the Bank, But They Go Broke--The Party in Trouble. + +Monte Carlo.--Dear Uncle: I blush to write the name, Monte Carlo, at +the head of a letter to anyone that is a Christian, or who believes in +honesty and decency, and earning a living by the sweat of one's brow, +for this place is the limit. If I should write anybody a letter from +South Clark street, Chicago, the recipient would know I had gone wrong, +and was located in the midst of a bad element, and the inference would +be that I was the worst fakir, robber, hold-up man or assassin in the +bunch. + +The inference you must draw from the heading of this letter is that dad +and I have taken all the degree of badness and are now winding up +our career by taking the last degree, before passing in our chips and +committing suicide. Do you know what this place is, old man? Monaco is +a principality, about six miles square, ruled by a prince, and the whole +business of the country, for it is a “country” the same as though it had +a king, is gambling. They have all the different kinds of gambling, from +chuck-a-luck at two bits to roulette at a million dollars a minute. What +started dad to come to Monte Carlo is more than I know, unless it was +a new American he has got acquainted with, a fellow from North Dakota, +that dad met at a sort of dance that he did not take me to. It seems +there is a place in Paris where they go to see men and women dance--one +of those dances where they kick so high that their feet hit the gas +fixtures. + +Well, all I know about it is that one Wednesday night dad said he felt +as though it was his duty to go to prayer meeting, so he could say when +he got home that in all the frivolities of a trip abroad, even in wicked +Paris, he never neglected his church duties. I never was stuck on going +to prayer meeting, so dad let me stay at the hotel and play pool with +the cash register boy in the barroom, and dad took a hymn book and went +out, looking pious as I ever saw him. + +[Illustration: Dance, like they had seen the people dance at the show +164] + +My, what a difference there was in dad in the morning. I woke up about +daylight, and dad came into the room with a strange man, with spinach on +his chin, and they began to dance, like they had seen the people dance +at the show where they had passed the evening. They were undressed, +except their underclothes, which wore these combination suits, so when +a man gets into them he is sealed up like a bologna, and he has to have +help when he wants to get out to take a bath, and he has to have an +outsider button him in with a button hook. Gee, I would rather be a +sausage and done with it! Well, dad and this man from Dakota kicked high +until dad caught by the ankle on a gas bracket, and the strange man got +me up out of bed to help unloosen dad and get him down before he was +black in the face. Finally we got dad down and then the two old codgers +began to discuss a proposition to go to Monte Carlo to break the bank. + +[Illustration: A system of gambling 162] + +The Dakota man agreed that Americans had no right to be spending their +own money doing Europe, when their genius was equal to the task of +acquiring the money of the less intelligent foreigners. He said they +could go to Monte Carlo and by a system of gambling which he had used +successfully in the Black Hills they could carry away all the money +they could pile into sacks. The man said he would guarantee to break +the bank if dad would put his money against the Dakota man's experience +as a gambler, and they would divide the proceeds equally. Dad bit like a +bass. He said he had always had an element of adventure in his make-up, +and had always liked to take chances, and from what he had heard of +the fabulous sums won and lost at Monte Carlo he could see that if a +syndicate could be formed that would win most of the time, he could see +that there was more money in it than in any manufacturing enterprise, +and he was willing to finance the scheme. + +The Dakota man fairly hugged dad, and he told dad in confidence that +they two could divide up money enough to make them richer than they ever +dreamed of, and all the morning they discussed the plan, and made a +list of things they would need to get away with the money. They provided +themselves with canvas sacks to carry away the gold, and dad drew all +his money out of the bank, and that evening we took a train for Monte +Carlo. All the way here dad and his new friend chuckled over the +sensation they would make among the gamblers, and I became real +interested in the scheme. There was to be some fun besides the winning +of the money, because they talked of going out in the park and on the +terraces when they were tired of winning money, and seeing the poor +devils who had gone broke commit suicide, as that is said to be one of +the features of the place. + +[Illustration: Seeing the poor devils who had gone broke 166] + +Well, we got a suite of rooms and the first day we looked over the +place, and ate free banquets and saw how the people dressed, and just +looked prosperous and showed money on the slightest provocation, and +got the hang of things. Dad was to go in the big gambling room in the +afternoon with his pockets fairly dropsical with money, and the Dakota +man was to do the betting, and dad was to hold one of the canvas bags, +and when it was full we were to take it to our room, and quit gambling +for awhile, to give the bank a chance to raise more money. Dad insisted +that his partner should lose a small bet once in awhile, so the bank +should not get on to the fact that we had a cinch. + +After luncheon we entered the big gambling room, in full-dress suits, +and, by gosh! it was like a king's reception. There were hundreds of +men and women, dressed for a party, and it did not seem like a gambling +hell, except that there were, piles of gold as big as stoves, on all +the tables, and the guests were provided with silver rakes, with long +handles, to rake in the money. Dad said in a whisper to the Dakota man: +“What is the use of taking the trouble to run a gold mine, and get all +dirtied up digging dirty nuggets, when you can get nice, clean gold, all +coined, ready to spend, by betting right?” And then dad turned to me +and he said; “Hennery, don't let the sight of this wealth make you +avaricious. Don't be purse-proud when you find that your poor father, +after years of struggle against adversity, and the machinations of +designing men, has got next to the Pierpont Morgan class and has money +to buy railroads. Don't get excited when we begin to bag the money, but +just act as though it was a regular thing with us to salt down our gold +for winter, the same as we do our pork.” + +A count, or a duke, gave us nice seats, and rakes to haul in the money; +a countess, with a low-necked dress, winked at dad when he reached into +his pistol pocket and brought out a roll of bills and handed them to the +Dakota man, who bought $500 worth of red chips, and when the man looked +the roulette table over and put about a pint of chips on the red, dad +choked up so he was almost black in the face, and began to perspire so +I had to wipe my face with a handkerchief; the gambler rolled the wheel +and when the ball stopped on the red, and dad did the raking and raked +in a quart of chips, and dad shook hands with the Dakota man and said: +“Pard, we have got 'em on the run,” and reached for his sack to put in +the first installment of acquired wealth, and the low-necked countess +smiled a ravishing smile on dad, and dad looked as though he owned a +brewery, and the Dakota man twisted his chin whiskers and acted like he +was sorry for the Monte Carlo bank, I just got so faint with joy that I +almost cried. + +To think we had skinned along as economically as possible all our lives, +and never made much money, and now, through this Dakota genius, and this +Monte Carlo opportunity, we had wealth raking in by the bushel, made +me feel great, and I wondered why more people had not found out this +faraway place, where people could become rich and prosperous in a day, +if they had the nerve. I tell you, old man, it was great, and I was +going to cable you to sell out your grocery for what you could get +at forced sale and come here with the money, gamble and become a +millionaire. + +[Illustration: Reach into another pocket and dig up another roll 171] + + +***** + + +Monte Carlo (the next day).--My Dear Uncle Ezra: I do not know how to +write you the sequel to this tragedy. After our Dakota partner, with the +Black Hills system of beating a roulette game, had won the first bet, +he never guessed the right color again, and dad had no more use for the +rake. Every time he bet and lost, he would reach out to dad for more +money, and dad would reach into another pocket and dig up another roll, +and the countess would laugh and dad had to act as though he enjoyed +losing money. + +It was about dark when dad had fished up the last hundred dollars and it +was gone before dad could wink back to the countess, then the Dakota man +looked at dad for more, and dad shook his head and said it was all off, +and they looked it each other a minute, and then we all three got up +and went out in the park to see the people who had gone broke commit +suicide, but there was not a revolver shot and dad and the Dakota man +sat down on a seat and I looked at the moon. + +He would reach out to Dad for more money, and Dad would reach into +another pocket and dig up another roll. + +Dad looked at the Dakota man and said: “You started me in all right. +What happened to your system?” The Dakota man was silent for a moment, +and then he pointed to me and said: “That imp of yours crossed his +fingers every time I bet, except the first time.” Dad called me to him, +and he said: “Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. Never to cross your +fingers. You have ruined your dad,” and he turned his pockets inside +out, and hadn't change for a dollar note, and he gave me the empty sack +to carry, and we went to our suite of rooms, knowing we would be fired +out into the cold world. + +It will take a week to get money from the states, and we may be sent +to the work house, as we are broke, and haven't got the means even to +commit suicide. Don't tell ma. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride--They Run + Over a Peasant--Climb “Glaziers”--Dad Falls Over a + Precipice, But Is Rescued by the Guides After a Hard Time + of It. + +Geneva, Switzerland.--My Dear Old Man: By ginger, but I would like to be +home now. I have had enough of foreign travel; I don't see what is the +use of traveling, to see people of foreign countries, when you can go to +any large city in America, and find more people belonging to any +foreign country than you can find by going to that country, and they +know a confounded sight more. Take the Russians in New York, the +Norwegians of Minnesota, the Italians of Chicago, and the Germans of +Milwaukee, and they can talk English, and you can find out all about +their own countries by talking with them, but you go to their countries +and the natives don't know that there is such a language as the United +States language, and they laugh at you when you ask questions. I am sick +of the whole business, and would give all I ever expect to be worth, to +be home right now, with my skates sharp. + +I would like to open the door of your old grocery, and take one long +breath and die right there on the doorstep, rather than to live in +luxury in any foreign country. Do you know, I sometimes go into a +grocery store abroad, and smell around, in order to get my thoughts on +dear old America, but nothing abroad smells as the same thing does in +our country. If I could get one more smell of that keg of sauerkraut +back of your counter, when it is ripe enough to pick, I think I would +break right down and cry for joy. Of course I have smelled sauerkraut +over here, but it all seems new and tame compared to yours. It may be +the kraut here is not aged enough to be good, but yours is aged enough +to vote and sticks to your clothes. Gee, but I just ache to get into +your grocery and eat things, and smell smells, and then lay down on the +counter with the cat with my head on a pile of wrapping paper and go to +sleep and wake up in America, an American citizen, that no king or queen +can tell to “hush up” and take off my hat when I want my hat on. + +You may wonder how we got out of Monte Carlo, when we had lost every +cent we had gambling. Well, we wondered about it all night, and had our +breakfast sent up to our room, and had it charged, expecting that when +the bill came in we would have to jump into the ocean, as we had no gun +to kill ourselves with. Just after breakfast a duke, or something, came +to our room, and dad said it was all off, and he called upon the Dakota +man to make a speech on politics, while dad and I skipped out. We +thought the duke, who was the manager of the hotel, would not understand +the speech, and would think we were great people, who had got stranded. + +[Illustration: Started in on a democratic speech 175] + +The Dakota man started in on a democratic speech that he used to deliver +in the campaign of '96, and in half an hour the duke held up his hands, +and the Dakota man let up on the speech. Then the duke took out a roll +of bills and said: “Ze shentlemen is what you call bust. Is it not so?” + Dad said he could bet his life it was so. Then the duke handed the roll +of bills to dad, and said it was a tribute from the prince of +Monaco, and that we were his guests, and when our stay was at an end, +automobiles would be furnished for us to go to Nice, where we could +cable home for funds, and be happy. + +Well, when the duke left us, dad said: “Wouldn't that skin you?” and he +gave the Dakota man one of the bills to try on the bartender, and when +he found the money was good we ordered an automobile and skipped out for +Nice. The chauffeur could not understand English, so we talked over the +situation and decided that the only way to be looked upon as genuine +automobilists would be to wear goggles and look prosperous and mad at +everybody. We took turns looking mad at everybody we passed on the road, +and got it down so fine that people picked up rocks after we had-passed, +and threw them at us, and then we knew that we were succeeding in being +considered genuine, rich automobile tourists. + +After we had succeeded for an hour or two in convincing the people that +we were properly heartless and purse proud, dad said the only thing +we needed to make the trip a success was to run over somebody. He +said nearly all the American automobile tourists in Europe had killed +somebody and had been obliged to settle and support a family or two in +France or Italy, and they were prouder of it than they would be if they +endowed a university, or built a church, and he said he trusted our +chauffeur would not be too careful in running through the country, but +would at least cripple some one. + +Well, just before we got to Nice, and darkness was settling down on the +road, the chauffeur blew his horn, there was a scream that would raise +hair on Horace Greeley's head, the automobile stopped, and there was a +bundle of dusty old clothes, with an old woman done up in them, and we +jumped out and lifted her up, and there we were, the woman in a faint, +the peasants gathering around us with scythes and rakes and clubs, +demanding our lives. The bloody-faced woman was taken into a home, the +crowd held us, until finally a doctor came, and after examining the +woman said she might live, but it would be a tight squeeze. We wanted +to go on, but we didn't want to be cut open with a scythe, so finally a +man, who said he was the husband of the woman, came out with a gun, dad +got down on his knees and tried to say a prayer, the Dakota man held up +both hands like it was a stage being held up, and I cried. + +[Illustration: Dad got down on his knees and tried to say a prayer 178] + +Finally the chauffeur said, in broken English, that the husband would +settle for $400, because he could pay the funeral expenses, get +another wife for half the money and have some thing left to lay up for +Christmas. As the man's gun was pointed at dad, he quit praying and +gave up the money and agreed to send $50 a month for 11 years, until the +oldest child was of age. + +Well, we got away alive, got into Nice, and the chauffeur started back +and we cabled home for money to be sent to Geneva, Switzerland. But, +say; you have not heard the sequel. A story that has a sequel is always +the best, and I hope to die if the police of Nice didn't tell us that we +were buncoed by that old woman and that the chauffeur was in the scheme +and got part of dad's money. The way they do it is to wait till dark, +and then roll the woman in the dust and put some red ink on her face, +and she pretends to be run over, and the doctor is hired by the month, +and they average $500 a night, playing that game on automobile tourists +from America. After the woman is run over every night, and the money +is collected, and the victims have been allowed to go on their way, the +whole community gathers at the house of the injured woman and they have +a celebration and a dance, and probably our chauffeur got back to the +house that night in time to enjoy the celebration. I suppose thousands +of Americans are paying money for killing people that never got a +scratch. + +Say, we think in America that we have plenty of ways to rob the +tenderfoot, but they give us cards and spades and little casino and beat +us every time. Dad wanted to hire a hack and go back and finish that old +woman with an ax, because he said he had a corpse coming to him, but the +police told him he could be arrested for thinking murder, and that he +was a dangerous man, and that they would give him 12 hours to get out +of France, and so we bought tickets for Switzerland, though what we came +here for I don't know, only dad said it was a republic like America +and he wanted to breathe the free air of mountains in the home of the +Switzerkase. + +Well, anybody can have Switzerland if they want it. I will sell my +interest cheap. The first three days we were here everybody wanted us to +go out on the lake, said to be the most beautiful lake in the world, and +we sailed on it, and rowed on it, and looked down into the clear water +where it is said you can see a corpse on the bottom of the lake 100 feet +down. We hadn't lost any corpse, except the corpse of that old woman +we run over at Nice, but we wanted to get the worth of our money, so we +kept looking for days, but the search for a corpse becomes tame after +awhile, and we gave it up. All we saw in the bottom of the lake was a +cow, but no man can weep properly over the remains of a cow, and dad +said they could go to the deuce with their corpses, and we just camped +at the hotel till our money came. Say, that lake they talk so much about +is no better than lakes all over Wisconsin, and there are no black bass +or muskellunges in it. + +The tourists here are just daffy about climbing mountains and glaziers, +and they talk about it all the time, and I could see dad's finish. +They told him that no American that ever visited Switzerland would be +recognized when he got home if he had not climbed the glaziers, so dad +arranged for a trip up into the sky. We went 100 miles or so on the +cars, passing along valleys where all the cows wear tea bells, and it +sounds like chimes in the distance. It is beautiful in Switzerland, +but the cheese is something awful. A piece of native Swiss cheese would +break up a family. + +At night we arrived at a station where we hired guides and clothes, and +things, and the next morning we started. Dad wanted me to stay at the +station a couple of days, while he was gone, and play with the goats, +but I told him if there were any places in the mountains or glaziers any +more dangerous than Paris or Monte Carlo, I wanted to visit them, so he +let me go. Well, we were rigged up for discovering the north pole, and +had alpenstocks to push ourselves up with, and the guides had ropes to +pull us up when we got to places where we couldn't climb. I could get +along all right, but they had dad on a rope most of the time pulling him +until his tongue run out and his face turned blue. But dad was game, and +don't you forget it. + +Before noon we got on top of a glazier, which is the ice of a frozen +river, that moves all the time, sliding towards the sea. + +[Illustration: Dad slipped down a crevice about 100 feet 181] + +There was nothing but a hard winter, in summer, to the experience, and +we would have gone back the same night, only dad slipped down a crevice +about 100 feet with the rope on him, and the two guides couldn't pull +him up, and we had to send a lunch down to him on the rope and one of +the guides had to go back to the village for help to get dad up. Well, +sir, I think dad was nearer dead than he ever was before, but they sent +down a bottle of brandy, and when he drank some of it the snow began to +melt and he was warm enough to use bad language. + +He yelled to me that this was the limit and wanted to know how long +they were going to keep him there. I yelled to him that one of the +guides had gone for help to pull him out, and he said for them to order +a yoke of oxen. I told him that probably he would have to remain there +until spring opened and that I was going back to America and leave him +there, and he better pray. + +[Illustration: Have to remain there until spring opened 183] + +I don't know whether dad prayed, down there in the bowels of the +mountains, but he didn't pray when help came, and they finally hauled +him up. His breath was gone, but he gave those guides some language +that would set them to thinking if they could have understood him, and +finally we started down the mountain. They kept the rope on dad and +every little while he would slip and slide 100 feet or so down the +mountain on his pants, and the snow would go up his trousers legs clear +to his collar, and the exercise made him so hot that the steam came out +of his clothes, and he looked like a locomotive wrecked in a snow bank +blowing off steam. + +It became dark and I expected we would be killed, but before midnight we +got to the station and changed our clothes and paid off the guides and +took a train back. Dad said to me, as we got on the cars: “Now, Hennery, +I have done this glazier stunt, just to show you that a brave man, +whatever his age, is equal to anything they can propose in Europe, +but by ginger, this settles it, and now I want to go where things come +easier. I am now going to Turkey and see how the Turks worry along. Are +you with me?” “You bet your life,” says I. + +Yours truly, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist--They Give Alms to the Beggars + and the Bad Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand + Canal. + +Venice, Italy.--My Dear Old Chumireno: Dad couldn't get out of +Switzerland quick enough after he got thawed out the day after we +climbed the glaziers. We found that almost all the tourists in Geneva +were there because they did not want to go home and say they had not +visited Switzerland, so they just jumped from one place to another. The +people who stay there any length of time are like the foreign residents +of Mexico, who are wanted for something they have done at home, that is +against the law. There are more anarchists in Geneva than anything else, +and they look hairy and wild eyed, and they plot to kill kings and drink +beer out of two quart jars. + +When we found that more attention was paid to men suspected of crime +in their own countries, and men who were believed to be plotting to +assassinate kings, dad said it would be a good joke if a story should +get out that he was suspected of being connected with a syndicate that +wanted to assassinate some one, so I told a fellow that I got acquainted +with that the fussy old man that tried to ride a glazier without any +saddle or stirrup was wanted for attempting to blow up the president +of the United States by selling him baled hay soaked in a solution of +dynamite and nitro-glycerine. + +[Illustration: Dad and the anarchists reveled till morning 188] + +Say, they will believe anything in Switzerland. It wasn't two hours +before long-haired people were inviting dad to dinners, and the same +night he was taken to a den where a lot of anarchists were reveling, and +dad reveled till almost morning. When he came back to the hotel he said +his hosts got all the money he had with him, through some game he didn't +understand, but he under stood it was to go into a fund to support +deserving anarchists and dynamiters. He said when they found out he was +a suspected assassin nothing was too good for him. He said they wanted +to know how he expected to kill a president by soaking baled hay in +explosives, and dad said it came to him suddenly to tell them that the +president rode on horseback a good deal, and he thought if a horse was +filled with baled hay, and nitro-glycerine and the president spurred +the horse and the horse jumped in the air and came down kerchunk on an +asphalt pavement, the horse would explode, and when the rider came down +covered with sausage covers and horse meat, he would be dead, or would +want to be. Dad said the anarchists went into executive session and took +up a collection to send a man to Berlin to fill the emperor's saddle +horse with cut feed like dad suggested. + +Well, the anarchist story was too much for Switzerland, and the next +morning dad was told by a policeman that he had to get out of the +country quick, and it didn't take us 15 minutes to pack up, and here we +are in Venice. + +Well, say, old friend, this is the place where you ought to be, because +nobody works here, that is, nobody but gondoliers. We have been here +several days, and I have not seen a soul doing anything except begging, +or selling things that nobody seems to want. If anybody buys anything +but onions, it is for curiosity, or for souvenirs, and yet the whole +population sits around in the sun and watches the strangers from other +lands price things and go away without buying, and then everybody looks +mad, as though they would like to jab a knife into the stranger. The +plazas and the places near the canal are filled with hucksters and +beggars, and you never saw beggars so mutilated and sore and disgusting. +I never supposed human beings could be so deformed, without taking an ax +to them, and it is so pitiful to see them that you can't help shedding +your money. + +[Illustration: Coughed up over $40 the first day, just giving to beggars +191] + +As hard hearted as dad is, he coughed up over $40 the first day, just +giving to beggars, and he thought he had got them all bought up, and +that they would let him alone, but the next day when he showed up there +were ten beggars where there was one the day before, and they followed +him everywhere, and all the loafers in the plazas laughed and acted as +if they would catch the cripples when dad got out of sight and rob the +beggars. Dad thinks the way the people live is by dividing with beggars. +A man who has a deformity, or a sore that you can see half a block away, +seems to be considered rich here, like a man in America who owns stock +in great corporations. These beggars pay more taxes than the dukes and +things who live in style. + +I suppose dad never studied geography, so he didn't know how Venice was +situated, so he told me to go out and order a hack the first morning we +were here, and we would go and see the town. When I told dad there were +no hacks, no horses and no roads in Venice, he said I was crazy in my +head and wanted me to take some medicine and stay in bed for a few days, +but I convinced him, when we got outdoors, that everything run by water, +and when I showed him the canal and the gondolas, he remembered all +about Venice, and picked out a gondalier that looked like one dad saw +at the world's fair, and we hired him because he talked English. All the +English the gondolier could use were the words “you bet your life,” and +“you're dam right,” but dad took him because it seemed so homelike, and +we have been riding in gondolas every day. + +On the water you can get away from the beggars. This is an ideal +existence. You just get in the gondola, under a canopy, and the +gondolier does the work, and you glide along between build ings and +wonder who lives there, and when they wake up, as all day long the +blinds are closed, and everybody seems to be dead. But at night, when +the canals are lighted, and the moon shines, the people put on their +dress clothes and sit on verandas, or eat and drink, and talk Eyetalian, +and ride in gondolas, and play guitars, and smoke cigarettes, and talk +love. It is so warm you can wear your summer pants, and the water smells +of clams that died long ago. It is just as though Chicago was flooded +by the bursting of the sewers, and people had to go around State street, +and all the cross streets, and Michigan avenue, in fishing boats, with +three feet of water on top of the pavements. Imagine the people of +Chicago taking gondolas and riding along the streets, landing at the +stores and hotels, just as they do now from carriages. + +We had been riding in gondolas for two days, getting around in the mud +when the tide was out, and going to sleep and waiting for the tide to +come in, when it seemed to me that dad needed some excitement, and last +night I gave it to him. + +We were out in our gondola, and the moon was shining, and the electric +lights made the canal near the Rialto bridge as light as day. The Rialto +bridge crosses the Grand canal, and has been the meeting place for +lovers for thousands of years. It is a grand structure, of carved +marble, but it wouldn't hold up a threshing machine engine half as +well as an iron bridge. Well, the canal was filled with thousands of +gondolas, loaded with the flower of Venetian society, and the music just +made you want to fall in love. Dad said if he didn't fall in love, or +something, before morning, he would quit the place. I made up my mind he +should fall into something, so I began by telling dad it seemed strange +to me that nobody but Eyetalians could run a gondola. Dad said he could +run a gondola as well as any foreigner, and I told him he couldn't run +a gondola for shucks, and he said he would show me, so he got out of the +hen house where we were seated, and went back on to the pointed end +of the gondola, and grabbed the pole or paddle from the gondolier, and +said: “Now, Garibaldi, you go inside the pup tent with Hennery, and let +me punt this ark around awhile.” + +Garibaldi thought dad was crazy, but he gave up the pole, and just then, +when they were both on the extreme point of the gondola, and she was +wabbling some, I peeked out through the curtains and thought the fruit +was about ripe enough to pick, so I threw myself over to one side of +the gondola, and, by gosh, if dad and Garibaldi didn't both go overboard +with a splash, and one yell in the English language, and one in +Eye-talian, and I rushed out of the cabin and such a sight you never +saw. + +[Illustration: Overboard, one yell in the English language, one in +Eye-talian 193] + +Dad retained the paddle, and had his head out of water, but nothing +showed above the water, where Garibaldi was except a red patch on his +black pants. Dad was yelling for help, and finally the gondolier got his +head out of the water, and said something that sounded like grinding a +butcher knife on a grindstone, and I yelled, too, and the gondolas began +to gather around us, and the two men were rescued. The gondolier had +been gondoling all his life and he had never been in the water before, +and they thought it would strike in and kill him, so they wrapped him up +in blankets and put him aboard his canoe, and he looked at me as though +I was to blame. They got a boat hook fastened in dad's pants and landed +him in the gondola, and he dripped all the way to our hotel, and he +smelled like a fish market. + +I asked Garibaldi, on the way to the hotel, if he was counting his beads +when he was down under the water with nothing but his pants out of the +water, and he said: “You're dam right,” but I don't think he knew the +meaning of the words, because he probably wouldn't swear in the presence +of death. Dad just sat and shivered all the way to the hotel, but when +we got to our room I asked him what his idea was in jumping overboard +right there before folks, with his best clothes on, and he said it was +all Garibaldi's fault, that just as dad was getting a good grip on the +paddle, the gondolier heaved a long sigh, and the onions in his breath +paralyzed dad so he fell overboard. + +[Illustration: Then you don't blame your little boy, do you 197] + +“Then you don't blame your little boy, do you?” says I, and dad looked +at me as he was hanging his wet shirt on a chair. “Course not; you +were asleep in the cabin. But say, if I ever hear that you did tip that +gondola, it will go hard with you,” but I just looked innocent, and dad +went on drying his shirt by a charcoal brazier and never suspected me. +But I am getting the worst of it, for dad and his clothes smell so much +like a clam bake that it makes me sick. + +Well, old friend, you ought to close up your grocery and come over here +and go to Vesuvius and Pompeii with us, where we can dry our clothes +by the volcano, and dig in the city that was buried in hot ashes 2,000 +years ago. They say you can dig up mummies there that are dead ringers +for you, old man. + +O, come on, and have fun with us. + +Your friend, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + The Bad Boy Writes from Naples--Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls + the Servants to Put Out the Fire--They Have Trouble with a + “Dago” in Pompeii. + +Naples, Italy.--Dear Old Partner in Crime: Well, sir, we have struck a +place that reminds us of home, and your old grocery store. The day we +got here dad and I took a walk into the poorer districts, where they +throw all the slops and refuse in the streets, and where nobody ever +seems to clean up anything and burn it. The odor was something that you +cannot describe without a demonstration, and after we had turned pale +and started to go away, dad said the smell reminded him of something +at home, and finally he remembered your old grocery in the sauerkraut +season, early in the morning, before you had aired out the place. Your +ears must have burned when we were talking about you. + +If you want to get an idea of Naples, at its worst, go down into your +cellar and round up all the codfish, onions, kraut, limburger cheese, +kerosene, rotten potatoes, and everything that is dead, put it all in +a bushel basket, and just before the Health officers come to pull your +place, get down on your knees and put your head down in the basket, and +let some one sit on your head all the forenoon, and you will have just +such a half day as dad and I had in the poor quarter of Naples, and +it will not cost you half as much as it did us, unless, after you have +enjoyed yourself in your cellar with your head in the basket, you decide +to have a run of sickness and hire a doctor who will charge you the +price of a trip to Europe. + +Well, sir, Naples is a dandy, in its clean part. The bay of Naples is a +dead ringer for Milwaukee bay, in shape and beauty, but Milwaukee +lacks Vesuvius and Pompeii, for suburbs, and she lacks the customary +highwaymen to hold you up. Every man, woman and child we have met makes +a living out of the tourists, and nobody that I have seen works at any +other business. + +[Illustration: Wanted to turn in a fire alarm 201] + +We woke up the first morning and dad looked out the window and saw +Vesuvius belching forth flame and lava and stone fences, and wanted to +turn in a fire alarm, but I told him that that fire had been raging +ever since the Christian era, and was not one of these incendiary barn +burnings, but he opened the window and yelled fire, and the porters and +chambermaids came running to our room, with buckets of water, and +wanted to know where the fire was. Dad pointed out of the window towards +Vesuvius and said: “Some hired girl has been starting a fire with +kerosene, in that shanty on the knoll out there, and the whole ranch +will burn if you don't turn out the fire department, you gosh blasted +lazy devils. Get a move on and help carry out the furniture.” + +Well, they calmed dad, and then I had to go to work and post dad up +on the geography he had forgotten, and finally he remembered seeing a +picture of a volcano or burning mountain in his geography 50 years ago, +but he told me he never believed there was a volcano in the world, but +that he always thought they put those pictures in geographies to make +them sell. How a man can attain the prominence and position in the +business world that dad has, and not know any more than he does, is what +beats me. + +Of course, you know, having kept a grocery since the war, and having had +opportunities to study history, by the pictures on the soap boxes and +insurance calendars, that Nero, the Roman tyrant, after Rome was burned, +while he fiddled for a dance in a barn, got so accustomed to fire and +brimstone that he retired to Naples and touched off Vesuvius, just so +he could look at it. But Vesuvius, about 2,000 years ago, got to burning +way down in its bowels, and the fire got beyond control, and I suppose +now the fire is away down in the center of the earth, and you know when +you get down in the earth below the crust, on which we live and raise +potatoes, everything is melted, like iron in a foundry, and Vesuvius is +the spigot through which the fluid comes to the surface. You see, don't +you? + +Just imagine that this earth is a barrel of beer, which you can +understand better than anything else, and it is being shaken up by being +hauled around on wagons and cars, and is straining to get out, then a +bartender drives a spigot into the bung, turns the thumb piece, and the +pent-up beer comes out foaming and squirting, and there you are. + +Instead of beer, Vesuvius is loaded with lava, that runs like molasses, +and when it is cold it is indigestible as a cold buckwheat cake, and you +can make it up into jewelry, that looks like maple sugar and smells like +a fire in a garbage crematory. Besides the lava there are stones as big +as a house that are thrown up by the sea-sickness of the earth, as it +heaves and pants, and then the ashes that come out of the crater at +times would make you think that what they need there is to have a +chimney sweep go down and brush out the flues. + +[Illustration: Threw a pail of ashes over the fence 204] + +To get an idea of what a nuisance the ashes from the crater are to the +cities on the plain below, you remember the time you were out in your +back yard splitting boxes for kindling wood and my chum and I threw a +pail of ashes over the fence, and accidentally it went all over you, +about four inches thick. That time you got mad and threw cucumbers +at us, when we ran down the alley. Keep that in your mind and you can +understand the destruction of Pompeii, when Vesuvius, thousands of years +ago, coughed up hot ashes and covered the town 40 feet deep with hot +stuff, and killed every living thing, and petrified and preserved the +whole business, and made a prairie on top of a town, and everybody +eventually forgot that there had ever been a town there, for about 2,000 +years. If my chum and I had not run out of ashes we would have buried +you so deep in your back yard that you would have been petrified with +your hatchet, and when they excavated the premises a thousand years +later they would have found your remains and put you in a museum. + +Well, a couple of hundred years ago a peasant was sinking a well down in +the ashes, and he struck a petrified barroom, with a bartender standing +behind the bar in the act of serving some whisky 2,000 years old, and +the peasant located a claim there, and the authorities took possession +of the prairie and have been digging the town out ever since, looking +for more of that 2,000-year-old whisky. + +When I told dad about what they were finding at the ruins of Pompeii, +and how you were liable to find gold and diamonds and petrified women, +he wanted to go and dig in the ashes, as he said it would be more +exciting than raking over the dumping grounds in Chicago for tin cans +and lumps of coal, and so we hired a hack and went to the buried town, +but dad insisted on carrying an umbrella, so if Vesuvius belched any +more ashes he could protect himself. Gee, but from what I have seen at +that old ruin, a man would need an umbrella made of corrugated iron to +keep from being buried. + +[Illustration: Dad insisted on carrying an umbrella 207] + +Well, when we got to Pompeii dad was for going right where they were +digging, but I got him to look over the streets and houses that had +been uncovered first, and he was paralyzed to think that a town could be +covered with ashes all these thousands of years, and then be uncovered +and find a town that would compare, in many respects, with cities of the +present day, with residences complete with sculpture, paintings and cut +marble that would skin Chicago to a finish. + +We went through residences that looked as rich as the Vanderbilt houses +in New York, baths that you could take a plunge and a swim in, if they +had the water, paintings that would take a premium at any horse show +to-day, pavements that would shame the pavements of London and Paris, +and petrified women that you couldn't tell from a low-necked party in +Washington, except that the ashes had eaten the clothes off. I guess +most of the people in Pompeii got away when the ashes began to rain +down, for they must have seen that it wasn't going to be a light shower, +but a deluge, 'cause they never have found many corpses. They must have +run to Naples, and maybe they are running yet, and you may see some +of them at your grocery, and if you do see anybody covered with ashes, +looking for a job, give them some crackers and cheese and charge it to +dad, for they must be hungry by this time. + +Say, do you know that some of those refugees from Pompeii went off in +such a hurry that they left bread baking in the ovens, and meat cooking +in the pots? It seems the most wonderful thing to me of anything I ever +saw. We went all through the streets and houses and saw ballrooms +that beat anything in San Francisco, and when we went into a building +occupied by the officers in charge of the excavations, and dad saw a +telephone and an electric light, he thought those things had been dug +up, too, and he claimed that the men who were receiving millions of +dollars in royalties on telephones and electric lights were frauds who +were infringing on Pompeii patents 2,000 years old, and he wouldn't +believe me when I told him that telephones and electric lights were not +dug up; he said then he wouldn't believe anything was dug up, but that +the whole thing was a put-up job to rob tourists. But when we got to a +locality where the dagoes were digging the ashes away from a house and +were uncovering a parlor, where rich things were being discovered, he +saw that it was all right. + +I suppose I never ought to have played such a thing on dad, but I told +him that anybody who saw a thing first when it came out of the ashes +could grab it and keep it, and just as I told him a workman threw out a +shovel full of ashes, just as you would throw out dirt digging for angle +worms, and there was a little silver urn with a lot of coins in it, and +you could not hold dad. He grabbed for it, the workman grabbed for it, +and they went down together in the ashes, and the man rolled dad over +and he was a sight, but the workman got the silver urn, and dad wanted +to fight. + +[Illustration: The man rolled dad over and he was a sight 210] + +Finally a man with a uniform on came along and was going to arrest dad, +but they finally compromised by the man offering to sell the silver urn +and the gold coins to dad for a hundred dollars, if he would promise +not to open it up until he got out of Italy, and dad paid the money and +wrapped the urn up in a Chicago paper, and we took our hack and went +back to Naples on a gallop. + +Dad could hardly wait till we got to the hotel before opening up his +prize, but he held out until we got to our room, when he unwrapped the +urn to count his ancient gold coins. Well, you'd a-died to see dad's +face when he opened that can. It was an old tomato can that had been +wrought out with a hammer so it looked like hammered silver, and when +he emptied the gold coins out on the table there was a lot of brass tags +that looked like dog license tags, and baggage checks and brass buttons. +I had to throw water on dad to bring him to, and then he swore he would +kill the dago that sold him the treasure from the ruins of Pompeii. +It was a great blow to dad, and he has bought a dirk knife to kill the +dago. To-morrow we take in Vesuvius, and when we come down from the +crater we go to Pompeii and kill the dago in his tracks. Dad may cause +Vesuvius to belch again with hot ashes, and cover the ruins of Pompeii, +but if he can't turn on the ashes, the knife will do the business. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius--A Chicago Lady Joins + the Party and Causes Trouble. + +Naples, Italy.--Siegnor ze Grocerino: I guess that will make you stand +without hitching for a little while. Say, I am getting so full of dead +languages, and foreign palaver, that I shall have to have an operation +on my tongue when I get home before I can speel the United States +language again so you can make head or tail of it. You see, I don't stay +long enough in a country to acquire its language, but I get a few words +into my system, so now my English is so mixed with French words, Italian +garlic and German throat trouble that I cannot understand myself unless +I look in a glass and watch the motions of my lips. Dad has not picked +up a word of any foreign language, and says he should consider himself a +traitor to his country if he tried to talk anything but English. He +did get so he could order a glass of beer by holding up his finger and +saying “ein,” but he found later that just holding up his finger +without saying “ein” would bring the beer all the same so he cut out the +language entirely and works his finger until it needs a rest. + +When I used to study my geography at the little red schoolhouse, and +look at the picture of the volcano Vesuvius, and read about how it would +throw up red-hot lava, and ashes, and rocks as big as a house, and wipe +out cities, it looked so terrible to me that I was glad when we got +through with the volcano lesson, and got to Greenland's icy mountains, +where there was no danger except being frozen to death, or made sick by +eating blubber sliced off of whales. + +Then I never expected to be right on the very top of that volcano, +throwing stones down in the lava, and sailing chips down the streams of +hot stuff, just as I sailed chips on ice water at home-when the streets +were flooded by spring rains. Say, there is no more danger on Vesuvius +than there is in a toboggan slide, or shooting the chutes at home. I +thought we would have to hire dagoes to carry us up to the top, and be +robbed and held up, and may be murdered, but it is just as easy as going +up in the elevator of a skyscraper, and no more terrifying than +sitting on a 50-cent seat in a baseball park at home and witnessing the +“Destruction of Pompeii” by a fireworks display + +The crater looks sort of creepy, like a big cauldron kettle boiling soap +on a farm, only it is bigger, and down in the earth's bowels you can +well believe there is trouble, and if you believe in a hell, you can get +it, illustrated proper, but the rivulets of lava that flow out of the +wrinkles around the mouth of the crater are no more appalling than +making fudges over a gas stove. When the lava cools you would swear it +was fudges, only you can't eat the lava and get indigestion as you can +eating fudges. + +It was hard work to get dad to go up on the volcano, because he said he +knew he would fall into it, and get his clothes burned, and he said he +couldn't climb clear to the top, on account of his breath being short, +but when I told him he could ride up on a trolley car, and have the +volcano brought right to him, he weakened, and one morning we left +Naples early and before two hours had passed we were on a little +cogwheel railroad going up, and dad was looking down on the scenery, +expecting every minute the cogs would slip and we would cut loose and go +down all in a heap and be plastered all over the vineyards and big trees +and be killed. + +I don't know what makes dad so nervous, but he wanted a woman from +Chicago, who was on the car with us, to hold his hand all the way up, +but she said she was no nurse in a home for the aged, and she said she +would cuff dad if he didn't let go of her. I told her she better not +get dad mad if she knew what was good for her, for he was a regular +Bluebeard, and wouldn't take no slack from no Chicago female, 'cause +he had buried nine wives already. So she held his hand, and I guess she +thinks she will be my stepmother, but I bet she don't. + +Well, after we got almost to the top the car stopped, and we had to walk +the rest of the way, several hundred feet, and we had to have a pusher +and a putter for dad, a dago to go ahead and pull him up, and another +to put his shoulder against dad's pants and shove. Gee, but it was a +picture to see dad “go up old baldhead,” with the dagoes perspiring and +swearing at dad for being so heavy, and the Chicago woman laughing, and +me pushing her up. + +[Illustration: It was a picture to see dad go up old baldhead 214] + +One thing that scared dad was that every little way there was a shrine, +where the guides left dad lying on the ground, blocked with a piece of +cold lava, so he wouldn't roll down, like you would block a wagon wheel, +and they would go to the shrine and kneel and say some prayers. + +Dad was afraid they were going to charge the prayers in the bill for +pushing him up, but I told dad that these people expected every time +they, went up to the top that it would be their last trip, as they knew +that some day the volcano would open in a new place and swallow them +whole, with all the tourists. Then he gave them a dollar apiece to pray +for him, and wanted to go back down the mountain and let Vesuvius run +its own fireworks, but the Chicago lady told dad to brace up and she +would protect him, and so the guides gave a few more pushes, and we were +on top of the volcano, and dad collapsed and had to be brought to with +smelling salts and whisky that the woman carried in her pistol pocket. + +Gee, but it was worth all the trouble to get up the mountain, to see the +sight that opened up. The hole in the mountain filled with boiling stuff +was worth the price of admission, and the roaring of the boiling stuff, +and the explosions way down cellar, and the flying stones, the smoke +going into the air for a mile, like the burning of an oil well, the +red-hot lava finding crevices to leak through, and flowing down the +side of the mountain in streams like hot maple sirup, made a scene thai +caused us to take off our hats and thank the good Lord that the thing +hadn't overflowed enough to hurt us. But I could see dad was scared, +'cause when I wanted him to go around the edge of the crater with me, +and see the hell-roaring free show from other points of view, and +see where the hot ashes years ago rolled down and covered Pompeii and +Herculaneum, he balked and said he had seen all he wanted to, and if he +could stay alive until the next car went down the mountain, they could +all have his interest in Vesuvius, and be darned to them, but he said if +I wanted to go around looking for trouble, he would stay there under a +big rock, with the Chicago lady, and wait for me to come back. She said +she knew dad was all tired out, and needed rest, and she would stay with +him, and keep him cheered up; so I left them and went off with one +of the dagoes, to slide down hill on some flowing lava, and pick up +specimens. + +Well, sir, I wish I could get along some way without telling the rest of +this sad story, but if I am going to be a historian I have got to tell +the whole blame thing. + +[Illustration: And she was stroking his hair 217] + +When I left dad and the Chicago woman she had produced a lunch from +somewhere about her person, and a small bottle, and they were eating and +drinking, and dad was laughing more natural than I had seen him laugh +since we run over the old woman with the automobile at Nice, and she was +smiling on dad just as though she was his sweetheart. (As I went around +the crater, a couple of blocks away, I looked back and dad had laid his +head in her lap, and she was stroking his hair. ) + +Well, I picked up specimens, burned the soles off my shoes wading in the +lava, and took in the volcano from all sides, and after an hour I went +back to where dad and the woman were lunching, but the woman was gone, +and dad acted as though he had been hit by an express train, his eyes +were wild, his collar was gone, his pocketbook was on the ground, empty, +his coat was gone, his scarf-pin had disappeared and the $11 watch he +bought when he was robbed the other time was missing, and dad's tongue +was run out, and he was yelling for water. I thought he had been trying +to drink some lava. + +[Illustration: He was yelling for water 223] + +“Dad, what in the world has happened to you?” said I, as I rushed up to +him. + +“That woman has happened to me, that is all,” said dad, as he took a +swallow of water out of a canteen one of the dagoes had. + +“Tell me about it, dad,” said I, trying to keep from laughing, when I +saw that he was not hurt. + +“Say, let this be a lesson to you,” said dad, “and don't you steer +another woman to me on this trip. Do you know you hadn't more than got +around that big rock when she said she was tired and was going to faint, +for the altitude was too high for her, and I tried to soothe her, and +she did look pale, and, by gosh, I thought she was going to die on my +hands, and I would have to carry her corpse down the mountain. I heard +a scuffling on the rocks, and she looked up and saw a man not ten feet +away, and she said: 'Me husband!' and then she fainted and grabbed me +around the neck, and I couldn't get her loose. She just froze to me +like a person drowning, and that husband of hers, who had come up on the +last car, hunting for his wife, who had eloped, pulled a long blue gun +and told me he would give me five minutes to pray, and then he would +kill me and throw my body down in the creater, to sizzle.” + +[Illustration: Pulled a long blue gun 220] + +“I told him I could pay up enough ahead in three minutes, and he could +take all I had if he would loosen up his wife, and bring her to, and +take her away, and let me die all alone, and let the buzards eat me, +uncooked. He took the bet, pulled her arms away from my throat, took my +money and coat, brought her to, and said he was going to throw her into +the crater, but I told him she had certainly been good to me, and if he +would spare her life, and take her away in the cars, he could have my +watch and scarfpin, and he took them, and they went to the cars. + +“She looked back at me with the saddest face I ever saw, and said: +'O, sir, it is all a terrible dream, and I will see you in Naples, and +explain all,' and now, by Christmas, I want to go back to town and find +her, and rescue her from that jealous husband,” and dad got up and we +started for the car. + +The man and his wife went down on the car ahead of us, and dad wouldn't +believe they were regular bunko people, who play that game everyday on +some old sucker, but the man that runs the car told me so. + +I can be responsible for dad in everything except the women he meets. +When it comes to women, your little Hennery don't know the game at all. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children--Dad Is + Chased by Lions from the Coliseum--“Not Any More Rome for + Papa,” Says Dad. + +Rome, Italy.--My Dear Old “Pard:” Well, sir, if you could see me now, +you wouldn't know me, because foreign travel has broadened me out so +I can talk on any subject, and people of my age look upon me as an +authority, and they surround me everywhere I go and urge me to talk. +The fact that the boys and girls do not understand a word I say makes +no difference. They do not wear many clothes here, and there is no style +about them, and when they see me with a whole suit of clothes on, and +a hat and shoes and socks, and a scarf-pin on my necktie, they think +I must be an Americano that is too rich for any use, or something that +ranks with a prince at least, and the boys delight to be with me and do +errands for me, and the girls seem to be in love with me. + +There is no way you can tell if a girl is in love with you, except that +she looks at you with eyes that are as black as coal, and they seem to +burn a hole right into your insides, and when they take hold of your +hand they hang on and squeeze like alamand-left in a dance at home, and +they snug up to you and are as warm and cheerful as a gas stove. + +[Illustration: It brought on a revolution 227] + +Say, I sat on a bench in a plaza with a girl about my age, for an hour, +while the other girls and boys sat on the ground and looked at us in +admiration, and when I put my arm around her and kissed her on her +pouting lips, it brought on a revolution. An Italian soldier policeman +took me by the neck and threw me across the street, the girl scratched +me with her finger nails and bit me, and yelled some grand hailing sign +of distress, her brother and a ragged boy that was in love with the girl +and was jealous, drew daggers, and the whole crowd yelled murder, and I +started for our hotel on a run, and the whole population of Rome seemed +to follow me, and I might as well have been a negro accused of crime in +the states. I thought they would burn me at the stake, but dad came out +of the hotel and threw a handful of small change into the crowd, and it +was all off. + +After they picked up the coin they beckoned me to come out and play some +more, but not any more for little Hennery. I have been in love in all +countries where we have traveled, and in all languages, but this Italian +love takes the whole bakery, and I do not go around any more without a +chaperone. The girls are ragged and wear shawls over their heads, +and there are holes in their dresses and their skin isn't white, like +American girls', but is what they call olive complexion, like stuffed +olives you buy in bottles, stuffed with cayenne pepper, but the girls +are just like the cayenne pepper, so warm that you want to throw water +on yourself after they have touched you. Gee, but I wouldn't want to +live in a climate where girls were a torrid zone, 'cause I should melt, +like an icicle that drops in a stove, and makes steam and blows up the +whole house. + +Well, old man, you talk about churches, but you don't know anything +about it. Dad and I went to St. Peter's in Rome, and it is the grandest +thing in the world. Say, the Congregational church at home, which we +thought so grand, could be put in one little corner of St. Peter's, and +would look like 30 cents. St. Peter's covers ground about half a mile +square, and when you go inside and look at grown people on the other +side of it, they look like flies, and the organ is as big as a block of +buildings in Chicago, and when they blow it you think the last day has +come, and yet the music-is as sweet as a melodeon, and makes you want +to get down on your knees with all the thousands of good Christians of +Italy, and confess that you are a fraud that ought to be arrested. + +Dad and I have been to all kinds of churches, everywhere, and never +turned a hair, but since we got to this town and got some of the +prevailing religion into our systems, we feel guilty, and it seems as +though everybody could see right into us, and that they knew we were +heathen that never knew there was a God. Sure thing, I never supposed +there were so many people in the world that worshiped their Maker, as +there are here, and I don't wonder that all over the world good people +look to Rome for the light. Dad keeps telling me that when we get home +we will set an example that will make people pay attention, but he says +he does not want to join the church until he has seen all the sights, +and then he will swear off for good. + +He said to me yesterday: “Now, Hennery, I have been to all the pious +places with you, the pope's residence, the catacombs and St. Peter's, +where they preach from 40 different places and make you feel like giving +up your sins, and I have looked at carvings and decorations and marble +and jewels and seen the folly of my ways of life, and I am ripe for a +change, but before I give up the world and all of its wickedness, I want +blood. I want to go to the other extreme, and see the wild beasts at the +Coliseum tear human beings limb from limb, and drink their blood, and +see gladiators gladiate, and chop down their antagonists, and put one +foot on their prostrate necks, like they do in the theaters, and then I +am ready to leave this town and be good.” + +Well, sir, I have been in lots of tight places before, but this one beat +the band. Here was my dad, who did not know that the Roman, gladiator +business had been off the boards for over 2,000 years, that the eating +of human prisoners by wild beasts in the presence of the Roman populace +was played out, and that the Coliseum was a ruin and did not exist as +a place of amusement. He thought everything that he had read about the +horrors of a Roman holiday was running to-day, as a side show, and he +wanted to see it, and I had encouraged him in his ideas, because he was +nervous, and I didn't want to undeceive him. He had come to Rome to +see things he couldn't find at home, and it was up to me to deliver the +goods. + +Gee, but it made me sweat, 'cause I knew if dad did not get a show for +his money he would lay it up against me, so I told him we would go to +the Coliseum that night and see the hungry lions and tigers eat some of +the leading citizens, just as they did when Caesar run the show. Then I +found an American from Chicago at the hotel, who sells soap in Rome, and +told him what dad expected of me in the way of amusement, and he said +the only way was to take dad out to the Coliseum, and in the dark roll +a barrel of broken glass down the tiers of seats and make him believe +there was an earthquake that had destroyed the Coliseum, and that the +lions and tigers were all loose, looking for people to eat, and scare +dad and make a run back to town. + +[Illustration: What dad expected of me in the way of amusement 230] + +I didn't want to play such a scandalous trick on dad, but the Chicago +man said that was the only way out of it, and he could get a barrel of +broken glass for a dollar, and hire four ruffians that could roar like +lions for a few dollars, and it would give dad good exercise, and may be +save him from a run of Roman fever, 'cause there was nothing like a good +sweat to knock the fever out of a fellow's system. The thing struck me +as not only a good experience for dad, but a life saver, so I whacked up +the money, and the Chicago soap man did the rest. + +After dark we went out to the ruin of the Coliseum, where a great many +tourists go to look at the ruins by moonlight, and dad was as anxious +and bloodthirsty as a young surgeon cutting up his first “stiff.” + When we got to the right place, and I told dad we were a little early, +because the nobility were not in their seats, the villains began to roar +three dollars' worth like hungry lions, and dad turned a little pale and +said that sounded like the real thing. + +I told him we better not get too near, because we were not accustomed +to seeing live men chewed up by beasts, and dad said he didn't care how +near we got, as long as they chewed and tore to pieces the natives; so +we started to work up a little nearer, when there was a noise such as I +never heard before, as the hogshead of broken glass began to roll down +the tiers of stone seats, and I fell over on the ground, and pushed +dad, and he went over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus, and +yelled that he was stabbed with a dirk. + +[Illustration: Went over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus +233] + +I got up and fell down again, and just then the Chicago soap man came +up on a gallop, followed by the villains playing lion and tiger, and dad +asked the Chicago man what seemed to be the matter, and he said: “Matter +enough; there has been an earthquake, and the Coliseum has fallen down, +killing more than 10,-000 Romans, and the animals' cages are busted and +the animals are loose, looking for fresh meat, and we better get right +back to Rome, too quick, or we will be eaten alive. Come on if you are +with me. Do you hear the lions after us?” said he, as the hired villains +roared. + +[Illustration: He took the lead for good old Rome 235] + +Well, you'd a died to see dad get up out of that prickly cactus and take +the lead for good old Rome. I didn't know he was such a sprinter, but +we trailed along behind, roaring like lions and snarling like tigers and +yip-yapping like hyenas and barking like timber wolves, and we couldn't +see dad for the dust, on that moonlight night. + +We slowed up and let dad run ahead, and he got to the hotel first, and +we paid off the villains, and finally we went in the hotel and found +dad in the bar-room puffing and drinking a high-ball. “Pretty near hell, +wasn't it,” said dad, to the soap man. “Did the lions catch anybody?” + “O, a few of the lower classes,” said the soap man, “but none of the +nobility. The nobility were in the boxes and that part of the Coliseum +never falls during an earthquake,” and the soap man joined dad in a +high-ball. + +After dad got through puffing and had wiped about two quarts of +perspiration off his head and neck, and the soap man had told him what +a great thing it was to perspire in Rome, on account of the Roman fever, +that catches a man at night and kills him before morning, dad turned +to me and said: “Hennery, you go pack up and we get out of this in the +morning, for I feel as though I had been chewed by one of those hyenas. +Not any more Rome for papa,” and the high-ball party broke up, and we +went to bed to get sleep enough to leave town. + +Do you know, the next morning those hired villains made the soap man and +I pay ten dollars extra on account of straining their lungs roaring +like lions? But we paid for their lungs all right, rather than have them +present a bill to dad. + +Well, good-by, old man. We are getting all the fun there is going. + +Your only, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope--They Bow to the King + of Italy and His Nine Spots--Dad Finds That “The Catacombs” + Is Not a Comic Opera. + +Rome, Italy.--Dear Old Friend: You remember, don't you when you were +a boy, playing “tag, you're it,” and “button, button, who's got the +button?” that one of the trying situations was to be judged to “go to +Rome,” which meant that you were to kiss every girl in the room. + +[Illustration: Had to kiss anybody they brought to me 238] + +I never got enough “going to Rome” when I attended church sociables +and parties, but always got blindfolded, and had to kiss anybody they +brought to me, which was usually a boy or a colored cook, so I teased +dad to take me to Rome, and when he got over his being rattled and +robbed and burned by lava at Vesuvius, he said he didn't care where +he went, and, besides, I told him about the Roman Coliseum, where they +turned hungry tigers and lions and hyenas loose among the gladiators, +and the people could see the beasts eat them alive, and dad said that +was something like it, as the way he had been robbed and misued in +Italy, he would enjoy seeing a good share of the population chewed by +lions, if the lions could stand it. I didn't tell dad that the wild +animal show had not been running for a couple of thousand years, 'cause +I thought he would find it out when we got here. + +Say, old man, I guess I can help you to locate Rome. You remember the +time I spoke a piece at the school exhibition, when I put my hand inside +my flannel shirt, like an orator, and said: “And this is Rome, that +sat on her seven hills, and from her throne of beauty ruled the whole +world.” Well, this is it, where I am now, but the seven hills have been +graded down, and Rome don't rule the whole world a little bit; but she +has got religion awful. + +The pope lives here, and he is the boss of more religious people than +anybody, and though you may belong to any other kind of church, and when +you are home you don't care a continental for any religion except your +own, or your wife's religion, and you act like an infidel, and scoff +at good people, when you get to Rome and see the churches thicker than +saloons in Milwaukee, and everybody attending church and looking pious, +you catch the fever, and try to forget bad things you have done, and if +you get a chance to see the pope, you may go to his palace just 'cause +you want to see everything that is going on, and you think you don't +care whether school keeps or not, and you feel independent, as though +this religion was something for weak people to indulge in, and finally +you come face to face with the pope, and see his beautiful face, and his +grand eyes, and his every movement is full of pious meaning, you “penuk” + right there, and want to kneel down and let him bless you, by gosh. + +Say, I never saw dad weaken like he did when the pope came in. We got +tickets to go to his reception, but dad said he had rather go to the +catacombs, or the lion show at the Coliseum. He said he didn't want to +encourage popes, because he didn't believe they amounted to any more +than presiding elders at home. He said he had always been a Baptist, and +they didn't have any popes in his church, and he didn't believe in 'em, +but some other Americans were going to see the pope, and dad consented +to go, under protest, it being understood that he didn't care two +whoops, anyway. + +Well, sir, we went, and it was the grandest thing you ever saw. There +were guards by the thousand, beautiful gardens that would make Central +Park look like a hay marsh, hundreds of people in church vestments, and +an air of sanctity that we never dreamed; jewels that are never seen +outside the pope's residence, and we lined up to see the holy father +pass. + +Gee, but dad trembled like a dog tied out in the snow, and the +perspiration stood out on his face, and he looked sorry for himself. +Then came the procession, all nobles and great people, and then there +was a party of pious men carrying the most beautiful man we ever saw on +a platform above us, and it was the pope, and he smiled at me, and the +tears came to my eyes, and I couldn't swallow something which I s'pose +was my sins, and then he looked at dad, and held up one hand, and dad +was pale, and there was no funny business about dad any more, and then +they set the platform down and the pope sat in a chair, and those who +wanted to went up to him, and he blessed them. + +[Illustration: For awhile dad dassent go up 241] + +Say, for awhile dad dassent go up, 'cause he thought the pope could see +right through him, and would know he was a Baptist, but the rest of the +Americans were going up, and dad didn't want to be eccentric, so he and +I went up. The pope put out his hand to dad, and instead of shaking it, +as he would the hand of any other man on earth, and asking how his folks +were, dad bent over and kissed the pope's hand, and the pope blessed +him. Dad looked like a new man, a good man, and when the pope put his +hand on my head, and blessed me, my heart came up in my throat, 'cause +I thought he must know of all the mean things I had ever done, but I can +feel his soft, beautiful hand on my head now, and from this out I would +fight any boy twice my size that ever said a word against the pope and +his religion. When we got outside dad says to me: “Hennery, don't you +ever let me hear of your doing a thing that would make the good man +sorry if he was to hear about it.” And we went to our hotel and stayed +all the afternoon, and all night, and just thought of that pope's +angelic face, and when one of the Americans came to our room and wanted +dad to play cinch, he was indignant, and said: “I would as soon think +of robbing a child's bank,” and we went to bed, and if dad wasn't a +converted man I never saw one. + +Well, sir, trouble, and sorrow, and religion, don't last very long on +dad. The next morning we talked things over, and I quoted all the Roman +stuff I could think of to dad, such as “In that elder day, to be a Roman +was greater than a king,” but before I could think twice there was a +commotion in the streets and a porter came and made us take off our +hats, because the king was riding by, and we looked at the king, and dad +was hot. He said that fellow was nothing but a railroad hand, disguised +in a uniform, and, by ginger, if we had seen that king out west working +on a railroad, with canvas clothes on, he would not have looked like +a king, on a bet. There was nothing but his good clothes that stood +between the king and a dago digging sewers in Chicago. + +After the king and his ninespots had passed, dad said: “When you are in +Rome, you must do as the Romans do,” and he said he wanted to get +that heavy feeling off his shoulders, which he got at the religious +procession, and wanted me to suggest something devilish that we could +do, and I told him we better go and see the “Catacombs.” He wanted +to know if it was anything like “a trip to Chinatown,” or the “Black +Crook,” and I told him it was worse. Then he asked me if there was much +low neck and long stockings in the “Catacombs,” and I told him there was +a plenty, and he said he was just ripe to see that kind of a show, and +so we took a carriage for the “Catacombs,” and dad could hardly keep +still till we got there. + +I suppose I ought to be killed for fooling dad, but he craved for +excitement, and he got it. The “Catacombs” are where Roman citizens have +been buried for thousands of years, in graves hewn out of solid rock, +and they are petrified, and after they have laid in the graves for a +few hundred years, the mummified bodies are taken out and stood up in +corners, if the bodies will hang together, and if not the bones are +piled up around for scenery. + +We had to take torches to go in, and we wandered through corridors, +gazing at the remains, until dad asked one of the men with us what it +all meant, and the man said it was the greatest show on earth. Dad began +to think he was nutty, and when I laughed, and said: “That is great,” + and clapped my hands, and said: “Encore,” dad stopped and said: +“Hennery, this is no leg show, this is a morgue,” but to cheer him up I +told him his head must be wrong, and I pointed to about a hundred dried +corpses, a thousand years old, in a corner, with grinning skulls all +around, and told him that was the ballet, and told him to look at the +leading dancer, and asked him if she wasn't a beaut, from Butte, Mont., +and that killed dad. He leaned against me, and said his eyes must have +gone back on him, because everything looked dead to him. I told him he +would get over it after awhile, and to stay where he was while I went +and spoke to one of the ballet that was beckoning to me, and I left him +there, dazed, and went around a corner and hid. + +People were coming along with torches all the time, looking at the +catacombs and reading the inscriptions cut in the rock, and after awhile +I went back to where I left dad, and he was gone, but after awhile I +found him standing up with the stiffs. He was glad to see me, and wanted +to know if I thought he was' dead. I told him I was sure he was alive, +though he had a deathly look on his face. + +[Illustration: He would break me up into bones, and throw me into a pile +246] + +“Well, sir,” says dad, “I thought it was all over with me, after you +left, for a man came along and moved me around, and took hold under my +arms and jumped me along here by these stiffs, and told me if I didn't +stay where I belonged he would break me up into bones, and throw me into +a pile, and I thought I would have to do as the Romans do and stay here, +and before the man left me he reached into my pocket and took my money, +and said I couldn't spend any money in there where I was going to stay +for a million years, and, by gosh, I was so petrified I couldn't stop +him from robbing me. Say, Hennery, they will rob you anywhere, even in +the grave, and if this Catacomb show is over, and the curtain has gone +down, I want to get out of here, and go to the Coliseum or the Roman +amphitheater, where the wild beasts eat people alive.” And so we left +the Catacombs and went back to town, and dad began to show life again. +Say, you tell the folks at home that dad is gaining every day, and his +vacation is doing him good. He has promised to kill me for taking him to +the Catacomb show, but dad never harbors revenge for long, and I guess +your little nephew will pull through. I wish I had my skates, cause dad +wants to go to Russia. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble + They Had to Get There--Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with + the People and Soldiers. + +St. Petersburg, Russia.--My Dear Groceryow-ski: Well, sir, I 'spose +you will be surprised to hear from me in Russia, but there was no use +talking when Dad said he was going to St. Petersburg if it was the last +act of his life. He got talking with a Japaneser in Rome and the Jap +said the war in the far east would last until every Russian was killed, +unless America interfered to put a stop to it, and as Roosevelt didn't +appear to have sand enough to offer his services to the czar, what it +needed was for some representative American citizen who was brave and +had nerve to go to St. Petersburg and see the czarovitch and give him +the benefit of a good American talk. The Jap said the American who +brought about peace, by a few well chosen remarks, would be the greatest +man of the century, and would live to be bowed down to by kings and +emperors and all the world would doff hats to him. + +At first dad was a little leary about going on such a mission without +credentials from Washington, but as luck would have it, he met an exiled +Russian at a restaurant, who told dad that he reminded him of Gen. +Grant, because dad had a wart on the side of his nose, and he told +dad that Russia would keep on fighting until every Japanese was killed +unless some distinguished American should be raised up who deemed it +his duty to go to St. Petersburg and see the Little Father, and in +the interest of humanity advise the czar to call a halt before he had +exterminated the whole yellow race. Dad asked the Russian if he thought +the czar would grant an audience to an American of eminence in his own +country, and the Russian told dad that Nicholas just doted on Americans, +and that there was hardly ever an American ballet dancer that went to +Russia but what the czar sent for her to come and see him and dance +before the grand dukes, and he always gave them jewels and cans of +caviar as souvenirs of their visit. + +[Illustration: The Russian told dad that Nicholas just doted on +Americans 250] + +Dad thought it over all night, and the next morning we started for +Russia and I wish we had joined an expedition to discover the North Pole +instead of coming here. Say, it is harder to get into Russia than it +would be to get out of a penitentiary at home. At the frontier we were +met by guards on horseback and on foot, policemen, detectives and other +grafters, who took our passports and money, and one fellow made me +exchange my socks with him. Then they imprisoned us in a stable with +some cows until they could hold a coroner's inquest on our passports and +divide our money. We slept with the cows the first night in Russia, and +I do not want to sleep again with animals that chew cuds all night, and +get up half a dozen times to hump up their backs and stretch and bellow. +We never slept a wink, and could look out through the cracks in the +stable and see the guards shaking dice for our money. + +[Illustration: See the guards shaking dice for our money 253] + +Finally they looked at the great seal on our passports and saw it was an +American document, and they began to turn pale, as pale as a Russian +can get without using soap, and when I said, “Washington, embassador, +minister plenipotentiary, Roosevelt, Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight, E +Pluribus Unum, whoopla, San Juan Hill,” and pointed to dad, who was just +coming out of the stable, looking like Washington at Valley Forge, the +guards and other robbers bowed to dad, gave him a bag full of Russian +money in place of that which they had taken away, and let us take a +freight train for St. Petersburg, and they must have told the train men +who we were, because everybody on the cars took off their hats to us, +and divided their lunch with us. + +Dad could not understand the change in the attitude of the people +towards us until I told him that they took him for a distinguished +American statesman, and that as long as we were in Russia he must try +to look like George Washington and act like Theodore Roosevelt, so every +little while dad would stand up in the aisle of the car and pose like +George Washington and when anybody gave him a sandwich or a cigarette +he would show his teeth and say, “Deelighted,” and all the way to St. +Petersburg dad carried out his part of the programme and we were not +robbed once on the trip, but dad tried to smoke one of the cigarettes +that was given him by a Cossack, and he died in my arms, pretty near. + +They make cigarettes out of baled hay that has been used for beddings +and covered with paper that has been used to poison flies. I never +smelled anything so bad since they fumigated our house by the board of +health after the hired girl had smallpox. + +Well, we got to St. Petersburg in an awful time, and went to a hotel, +suspected by the police, and marked as undesirable guests by the +Cossacks, and winked at by the walking delegates and strikers, who +thought we were non-union men looking for their jobs. + +The next day the religious ceremony of “blessing the Neva” took place, +where all the population gets out on the bank of the river, with +overshoes on, and fur coats, and looks down on the river, covered with +ice four feet thick, and the river is blessed. In our country the people +would damn a river that had ice four feet thick, but in Russia they +bless anything that will stand it. We got a good place on the bank of +the river, with about a million people who had sheepskin coats on, +and who steamed like a sheep ranch, and were enjoying the performance, +looking occasionally at the Winter palace, where the czar was peeking +out of a window, wondering from which direction a bomb would come to +blow him up, when a battery of artillery across the river started +to fire a salute, and then the devil was to pay. It seems that the +gentlemen who handled the guns, and who were supposed to fire blank +cartridges into the air, put in loaded cartridges, filled with grape +shot, and took aim at the Winter palace, and cut loose at Mr. Czar. + +Well, you would have been paralyzed to see the change that came over +that crowd, blessing the river one minute and damning the czar and the +grand dukes the next. The shot went into the Winter palace and tore the +furniture and ripped up the ceiling of the room the czar was in, and in +a moment all was chaos, as though every Russian knew the czar was to be +assassinated at that particular moment, and all rushed toward the Winter +palace as though they expected pieces of the Little Father would be +thrown out the window for them to play football with. For a people who +are supposed to be lawful and law-abiding, and who love their rulers, it +seemed strange to see them all so tickled when they thought he was blown +higher than a kite by his own soldiers. + +Dad and I started with the crowd for the Winter palace, and then we had +a taste of monarchial government. The crowd was rushing over us and dad +got mad and pulled off his coat and said he could whip any confounded +foreigner that rubbed against him with a sheepskin coat on, and he was +just on the point of smiting a fellow with whiskers that looked like +scrambled bristles off a black hog when a regiment of Cossacks came down +on the crowd, riding horses like a wild west show, and with whips in +their hands, with a dozen lashes to each whip, and they began to lash +the crowd and ride over them, while the people covered their faces with +their arms, and run away, afraid of the whips, which cut and wound and +kill, as each lash has little lead bullets fastened to them and a stroke +of the whip is like being shot with buck shot or kicked with a frozen +boot. + +[Illustration: a Cossack rode right up to him and lashed him over the +back 258] + +Well, sir, dad was going to show the Cossacks that he was pretty near an +American citizen and didn't propose to be whipped like a school boy by +a teacher that looked like a valentine, so he tried to look like George +Washington defying the British, but it didn't work, for a Cossack rode +right up to him and lashed him over the back (and about 15 buck shot in +his whip took dad right where the pants are tight when you bend over to +pick up something) and the Cossack laughed when dad straightened up and +started to run. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad. +He started for our hotel, and as good a sprinter as I am I couldn't +keep up with him, but I kept him in sight. Before we got to the hotel +a sledge came along, not an “old sledge,” such as you play with cards, +high-low-Jack-game, but a sort of a sleigh, with three horses abreast, +and I yelled to dad to take a hitch on the sledge, and he grabbed on +with his feet on the runners, and a man in the sledge with a uniform +on, who seemed to be a grand duke, 'cause everybody was chasing him +and yelling to head him off, hit dad in the nose with the butt of a +revolver, and dad fell off in the snow and the crowd that was chasing +the grand duke picked dad up and carried him on their shoulders because +they thought he had tried to assassinate the duke, and we were escorted +to our hotel by the strikers. + +[Illustration: Hit dad in the nose with the butt of a revolver 255] + +We didn't know what they were, but you can tell the laboring men here +because they wear blouses and look hungry, and when they left us the +landlord notified the police that suspicious characters were at the +hotel, and came there escorted by the mob, and the police surrounded the +house and dad went to our room and used witch hazel on himself where +the Cossack hit him with the loaded whip. He says Russia will pay pretty +dear for that stroke of the whip by the Cossack, and I think dad is +going to join the revolution that is going to be pulled off next Sunday. + +They are going to get about a million men to take a petition to the +czar, workingmen and anarchists, and dad says he is going as an American +anarchist who is smarting from injustice, and I guess no native is +smarting more than dad is, 'cause he has to stand up to eat and lie on +his stummick to sleep. There is going to be a hades of a time here in +St. Petersburg this next week, and dad and I are going to be in it clear +up to our necks. + +Dad has given up trying to see the czar about stopping the war and says +the czar and the whole bunch can go plum (to the devil) and he will die +with the mob and follow a priest who is stirring the people to revolt. + +Gee, I hope dad will not get killed here and be buried in a trench with +a thousand Russians, smelling as they do. + +I met a young man from Chicago, who is here selling reapers for the +harvester trust, and he says if you are once suspected of having +sympathy with the working people who are on a strike you might just as +well say your prayers and take rough on rats, 'cause the Cossacks will +get you, and he would advise me and dad to get out of here pretty quick, +but when I told dad about it he put one hand on his heart and the other +on his pants and said “Arnica, arnica, arnica!” and the police that +were on guard near his room thought he meant anarchy, and they sent four +detectives to stay in dad's room. + +The people here, the Chicago young man told me, think the Cossacks are +human hyenas, that they have had their hearts removed by a surgical +operation when young, and a piece of gizzard put in in place of the +heart, and that they are natural murderers, the sight of blood acting +on them the same as champagne on a human being, and that but for the +Cossacks Russia would have a population of loving subjects that would +make it safe for the Little Father to go anywhere in Russia unattended, +but with Cossacks ready to whip and murder and laugh at suffering, the +people are becoming like men bitten by rabid dogs, and they froth at the +mouth and have spasms and carry bombs up their sleeves, ready to blow up +the members of the royal family, and there you are. + +If you do not hear from me after next Sunday you can put dad's obituary +and mine in the local papers and say we died of an overdose of Cossack. +If we get through this revolution alive you will hear from me, but this +is the last revolution I am going to attend. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints--The Bad Boy + Arranges a Wolf Hunt--Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the + Wolves. + +St. Petersburg, Russia.--My Dear Grocery-witz: Well, sir, dad and I have +got too much of Russia the quickest of any two tourists you ever heard +of. That skirmish we saw, the day the Russians blessed the Neva, and +shot blank cartridges filled with old iron at the czar, was not a marker +to the trouble the next Sunday, when the working people marched to the +Winter Palace, to present a petition to the “Little Father.” + +We thought a revolution was like a play, and that it would be worth +going miles to see. Dad was in South America once when there was a +revolution, where more than a dozen greasers, with guns that wouldn't +shoot, put on a dozen different kinds of uniforms, and yelled: “Down +with the government,” and frothed at the mouth, and drank buttermilk and +yelled Spanish swear words, and acted brave, until a native soldier with +white pajamas came out with a gun and shot one of the revolutionists +in the thumb, when the revolution was suppressed and the next day the +revolutionists were pounding stone, with cannon balls chained to their +legs; and dad thought a revolution in Russia would be something like +that, and that we could get on a front porch and watch it as it went +by, and joke with the revolution, and throw confetti, like it was a +carnival, but that Sunday that the Russian revolution was begun, we had +enough blood to last us all our lives. + +We got a place sitting on an iron picket fence, and we saw the people +coming up the street towards the Winter Palace, dressed mostly in +blouses, and looking as innocent as a crowd of sewer diggers at home +going up to the city hall to ask for a raise in wages of two shillings a +day. Nobody had a gun, and no one would have known how to use a gun, +and all looked like poor people going to prayers. There were troops +everywhere, and every soldier acted as though he was afraid something +would happen to spoil their chance of killing anybody. The snow on the +streets was clean and as white as the wings of a peace dove, and dad +said the show was no better than a parade of laboring men at home on +Labor day. + +Suddenly some officer yelled to the parade to stop, and the priest +at the head of the procession, who was carrying a cross, slowed up a +little, like the drum major of a band when the populace at home begins +to throw eggs, but they kept on, and then the shooting began, and in a +minute men, women and children were rolling in the snow, bleeding and +dying, the marchers were too stunned to run, and the deadly guns kept on +spitting fire, and the street was full of dead and dying, and then the +Cossacks rode over the dead and sabered and knouted the living, and as +the snow was patched with red blood, dad fainted away and fell off the +picket fence, and hung by one pant leg, which caught on a picket, and +crowds rushed in every direction, and it was an hour before I could get +a drosky to haul dad to the hotel. + +[Illustration: Hung by one pant leg 264] + +Dad collapsed when he got to the hotel, and I got a doctor and a nurse, +and for two days I had to watch the revolution alone, while dad had fits +of remorse 'cause he brought me to such a charnel house, he said. + +Well, if you ever go anywhere, traveling for pleasure, do not go to +Russia, because it is the saddest place on earth. I have seen no person +smile or laugh in all the ten days we have been here, except a Cossack +when he run a saber through a little girl, and his laugh was like the +coyote on the prairie when he captures a little lamb. The people look +either heart-broken or snarly, like the people confined in an insane +asylum at home. + +The czar, who a week ago was loved by the people, who believed if they +went to him, as to their God, and appealed for guidance, is to-day hated +by all, and instead of “Nicholas the Good,” since he scampered away to a +castle in the country, and crawled under a bed, all the people call him +“the Little Jack Rabbit,” and his fate is sealed, as a bomb will blow +him into pieces so small they will have to be swept up in a dustpan for +burial, maybe before dad and I can get out of Russia. + +Going to St. Petersburg for a pleasant outing is a good deal like +visiting the Chicago stockyards to watch the bloody men kill the cattle, +and the butchers in the stockyards, calloused against any feeling for +suffering animals, are like the soldiers here who shoot down their +neighbors because they are hired to do so. The murder of those unarmed +working men, that Sunday, has changed a helpless, pleading people +into anarchists with deadly bombs in their blouses, where they were +accustomed to carry black bread to sustain life, and with the menace of +Japan in the far east and an outraged people at home, Russia is in a +bad way, and if I was the czar or a grand duke, I would find a woodchuck +hole and arrange with the woodchuck for a furnished flat. + +I didn't think there was going to be anything going on in Russia except +bloodshed and bombs, and things to make you sorry that you were here, +and I was willing to take chloroform and let them carry me home in a +box, with my description on the cover, until the doctor told me that dad +was in a condition of nervousness, that he needed something to happen to +get his mind off of the awful scenes he had witnessed, and asked me if I +couldn't think of something to excite him and wake him up, and then dad +said, after he got so he could go out doors: “Hennery, you have always +been Johnny on the spot when I needed diversion, and I want you to take +your brain apart, and oil the works, and see if you can't conjure up +something to get my blood circulating and my pores open for business, +and anything you think of goes, and I swear I will not kick if you scare +the boots off of me.” + +Well, that was right into my hand; and I set my mind to strike at four +p. m. I had been out riding once with the Chicago man, in a sledge, with +three horses abreast, all runaway horses, and the driver was a Cossack +who lashed the horses into a run every smooth place he found in the +road, and it was like running to a fire, so I got the Chicago fellow +to go with me and we found the Cossack, and he was drunker than usual. +There is a kind of liquor here called vodka, which skins wood alcohol +and carbolic acid to a finish, and when a man is full of it he is so mad +he wants to cut his own throat. This driver had put up sideboards on his +neck and had two jags in one, and we hired him by the hour. + +I told the Chicago man the circumstances and that I had got to get dad +out of his trance, and he said he would help me. When I was out riding +the day before I noticed that the road was full of great dane dogs, wolf +hounds and stag hounds, which followed their master's sledges out in +the country, and the dogs loafed around, hungry, looking for bones, and +fighting each other, so I decided to get the dogs to chase our sledge +and make dad think we were chased by wolves. I thought that would make +dad stand without hitching, and it did. + +The Chicago man bought some cannon firecrackers, and I bought a cow's +liver, and hitched it to a rope, and hid it in the back seat, and my +Chicago friend and I took the back seat, and we got dad in the seat +behind the driver, and started about an hour before dark out in the +country, through a piece of woods that looked quite wolfy. On the way +out the driver let his horses run away a few times, like you have seen +in Russian pictures, and dad was beginning to sit up and take notice, +and seemed to act like a man who expects every minute to be thrown over +a precipice and mixed up with dead horses. Dad touched the driver once +on the coat-tail and told him not to hurry so confounded fast, and the +driver thought he was complaining because it was too slow, and he gave +a Comanche yell and threw the lines into the air, and the horses just +skedaddled, and run into a snow bank and tipped over the sledge, and +piled us out on top of dad, but dad only said: “This is getting good.” + +[Illustration: Piled us out on top of dad 269] + +We righted up, and dad wanted to know where all the pups came from that +we had passed. I had been throwing out pieces of meat into the road for +a mile or so, and the dogs were having a picnic. It was getting pretty +dark by this time, and we started back to town, and I threw out my +liver, fastened to the rope, and the Chicago man, who had given the +driver a drink of vodka when we tipped over, told him, in Russian, that +when the dogs began to follow us, to get hold of the liver, to yell +“wolves,” and give the team the rein, for a five-mile run, and yell all +the time, because we wanted to give the old gentleman a good time. + +Well, uncle, I would have given anything if you could have seen dad, +when the dogs began to chase that liver, and bark and fight each other. +The driver yelled something in Russian, and pointed back with his whip, +the Chicago man said: “My God, we are pursued by a pack of ravenous +wolves, and there is no hope for us,” and I began to cry, and implored +dad, if he loved me, to save me. + +[Illustration: Dad stood up in the sledge 267] + +[Illustration: Pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves 271] + +Dad stood up in the sledge and looked back, and saw the wolves, and +he was scared, but he said the only thing to do was to throw something +overboard for them to be chewing on while we got away, but he sat down +and pulled a robe over his head and his lips were moving, but I do not +know whom he was addressing. + +The Chicago man touched off a couple of cannon firecrackers behind the +sledge, but that only kept the dogs back for a minute, and dad said +probably the best thing to do was to throw me overboard and let them eat +me, and I said: “Nay, nay, Pauline,” and then I think dad fainted away, +for he never peeped again until the team had run away a lot more, and +I cut my liver rope, and when we got into the suburbs of St. Petersburg +the dogs had overtaken the liver, and were fighting over it. + +The driver had to pull up his horses as we struck the town, and dad must +have got a whiff of the driver's vodka, because he come to, and we +got to the hotel all right, and I thought dad would simply die in his +tracks, but the ride and the excitement did him good, and he wanted to +buy a gun and go out wolf hunting the next day, but our tickets were +bought and we shall get out of this terrible country to-morrow. + +Dad woke me, up in the night and wanted to know if I saw him when he +pulled his knife and wanted to get out and fight the pack of wolves +single-handed. I am not much of a liar, but I told him I remembered it +well, and it demonstrated to me that he was as brave a man as the czar, +“the Little Jack Rabbit,” as his people call him. + +Well, thanks to my wolf hunt, dad is all right again, and now we shall +go to some country where there is peace. I don't know where we will find +it, but if such a country exists, your little Henry will catch on, if +dad's money holds out. + +Yours, covered with Gore. + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople--They Find the + Turks Sensitive on the Dog Question--A College Yell for the + Sultan Sends Him Into a Fit. + +Constantinople, Turkey.--My Dear Old “Shriner”--We got out of Russia +just in time to keep from being arrested or blown up with a bomb. Dad +wanted to go to Moscow, because he saw a picture once of Moscow being +destroyed by fire by Napoleon, or somebody, and he wanted to see if they +had ever built the town up again, but I felt as though something serious +was going to, happen in that country if we didn't look out, and so I +persuaded dad to go to Turkey, and the day we started for Constantinople +we got the news that the Nihilists had thrown a bomb under the carriage +of the Grand Duke Sergius and blew him and the carriage into small +pieces not bigger than a slice of summer sausage, and they had to sweep +his remains up in a dustpan and bury them in a two-quart fruit jar. +Wouldn't that jar you? + +When dad heard about that you couldn't have kept him in Russia on a bet, +and so we let the authorities have all the money we had, giving some to +each man who held us up, until we got out of the country, and then we +took the first long breath we had taken since we struck the Godforsaken +country of the czar. If the bombs hold out I do not think there will +be a quorum left in Russia in a year, either czars, dukes or anything +except peasants on the verge of starvation and workingmen who have not +the heart to work. I wouldn't take the whole of Russia as a gift, and +have to dodge bombs night and day. + +Say, old man, you never dreamed that I knew all about you and dad +joining the Masons that time, but I watched you and dad giving each +other signs and grips, and whispering passwords into each other's ears, +in the grocery, nights, after you had locked up. I thought, at the time, +that you and dad were planning a burglary, but when you both went to the +lodge one night and stayed till near morning, and dad came home with a +red Turkish fez and told ma that you and he had joined the shrine, which +was the highest degree in Masonry, and you and he were nobles, and all +that rot, I was on to you bigger than a house, and you couldn't fool me +when you and dad winked at each other and talked about crossing the hot +sands of the desert. + +Well, dad brought his red fez along, 'cause I think he expected he would +meet shriners all over the world, that he could borrow money of. When we +struck Constantinople and dad saw that every last one of the Turks wore +a red fez, he felt as though he had got among shriners, and he got his +fez out of his trunk and he wears it all the time. + +Dad acts as familiar with the Turks here as though he owned a harem. We +go to the low streets, about as wide as a street car, where Turks are +selling things, with dad wearing his fez, and he begins to make motions +and give grand hailing signs of distress, and the Turks look at him +as though he had robbed a bank, and they charge enormous prices for +everything, and dad pays with a smile, thinking his brother Masons are +fairly giving things away. He looks upon all men who wear the fez as his +brothers, and they look at him as though he was crazy in the head. + +The only trouble is that dad insists on talking to the women here +without an introduction, and a woman in Turkey had rather die than +have a Christian dog look at her. Dad was buying some wormy figs of a +merchant, who was seated on the floor of his shop, and giving him signs, +when a curtain behind the Turk was pulled one side and a woman with +beautiful eyes and her face covered with a veil, came out with a cup of +coffee for the Turk. Dad shook hands with her, and said: “Your husband +and I belong to the same lodge,” and he was going to go inside and visit +the family, when the woman drew a small dagger out of the folds of her +dress, and the Turk drew one of these scimeters, and it looked for a +moment as though I was going to be a half orphan, particularly when +dad put his hand on her shoulder and petted it, and smiled one of those +masher smiles which he uses at home, and said: “My good woman, you must +not get in the habit of jabbing your husband's friends with this crooked +cutlery, though to be killed by so handsome a woman would indeed be a +sweet death,” but the bluff did not go, and the woman disappeared behind +the curtain, and dad had the frantic husband to deal with. + +[Illustration: When dad put his hand on her shoulder and petted it 276] + +I have never seen a human being look as murderous as that Turk did as +he drew his thumb across the blade of his knife, drew up his lip and +snarled like a dog that has been bereaved of a promising bone by a +brother dog that was larger. + +The Turk looked through his teeth, and his eyes seemed to act like small +arc lights, that were to show him where to cut dad, and dad began to +turn pale, and looked scared. + +“Give him the grand hailing sign of distress,” said I as dad leaned +against a barrel of dried prunes. Dad said he had forgotten the sign, +and then I told him the only way out of it, alive, would be to buy +something, so dad picked up a little jim-crack worth about ten cents, +and gave the Turk a five-dollar gold piece, and while the Turk went +in behind the curtain to get the change I told dad now was the time +to skip, and you ought to have seen dad make a sprint out the door and +around a corner, and up another street, while I followed him, and we +got away from the danger of being stabbed, but dad got his foot into it +again before we had gone a block. + +Nobody in Constantinople ever hurries, or goes off a walk, so when the +people saw an old man, with a fez on his head, running amuck, as they +say here, followed by a beautiful boy, they began to crawl into their +holes, thinking dad was crazy, but when we were passing a sausage store, +where about 20 dogs were asleep in the street, and dad kicked half a +dozen dogs and yelled, “get out, you hounds,” that settled it, and they +knew he was wrong in the head, and they yelled for the police, and we +were pulled for fast driving, and taken before a Turkish justice of the +peace, followed by the whole crowd. + +[Illustration: Get out you hounds 282] + +The justice did not wear a fez, but had on a turban, so dad did not give +him any signs, but after jabbering a while they sent for an interpreter, +who could talk pigeon English, and then dad had a trial, and I acted +as his lawyer. I told about how dad had tried to be kind and genial to +another man's wife, and how, in his hurry to get away from the murderous +husband he fell over a mess of dogs, and that he was a distinguished +American, who was in Turkey to negotiate a loan to the sultan. + +Say, that fixed them, and they all made salams to dad, and bowed all +over themselves, and the justice of the peace prayed to Allah, and the +interpreter said we could go, but to be careful about touching a Turkish +woman or a dog, particularly a dog, as the Turks were very sensitive on +the dog question. So we went out of the courtroom and wandered around +the town, and you can bet that dad didn't look at any more women, though +they were everywhere with veils that covered their faces so nothing but +their eyes could be seen. + +Gee, but you never saw such eyes as these Turkish women have. They are +big and black, and they go right through you, and clinch on the other +side. Dad says the facilities for getting into trouble are better in +Constantinople than any place we have been, as the men look like bandits +and the women look like executioners. Dad thanked me for helping him +out of that scrape by claiming he was the agent of a financial syndicate +that wanted to lend money to the sultan. If I had said dad was a +collecting agency, to make the sultan pay up, they would have sentenced +him to be boiled in oil. + +Well, we thought we had been in trouble before, but we are in it now +worse than ever. We heard at the hotel that at 11 o'clock in the morning +the sultan would pass by in a carriage, with an escort, on the way to a +mosque, to pray to Allah, and everybody could see the sultan, so we got +a place on a balcony, and at the appointed time the procession came in +sight. It was imposing, but solemn, and the people on both sides of the +street acted like they do in America when the funeral of a great man is +passing. No man spoke, and all looked as though they expected, if they +moved, to be arrested and have a stone tied to their feet and thrown +into the Bosphorus, the way they kill one of the sultan's wives when she +flirts with a stranger. + +We watched the soldiers, and finally the carriage of the sultan came, +and in it was a dried up man, with liver complaint, with a nose like an +eagle, and eyes like shoe buttons. He looked as though death would be +a relief, and yet he seemed afraid of it, and there was no sound of +welcome, such as there would be if Roosevelt was riding down Michigan +avenue at Chicago, on the way to the stockyards to pray to Armour, +instead of to Allah. + +You could have heard a pin drop. I said: “Dad, this is too solemn, even +for a sultan. Let's give him the university yell, and show that mummy +that he has got two friends in Constantinople, anyway.” “Here she goes,” + says dad, and we leaned over the railing, just as the sultan's carriage +was right in front of us and not ten feet away, and in that oppressive +silence dad and I opened up, “U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin, zip-boom-Ah!” + and then we started to sing, “There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town +To-Night.” + +[Illustration: There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-Night 279] + +Well, if any man in the crowd had touched off a bomb, there could have +been no greater consternation. The sultan turned pale, as pale as so +yellow a man could, and became faint, and fell over into the arms of a +general who sat beside him, the Bazi Bazouks on horseback began to ride +up and down the street, the crowd scattered, the sultan's carriage was +turned around and rushed back to the palace, with the ruler of Turkey +having a fit, and about a hundred soldiers came up on the veranda, where +dad and I had broke up the procession, and they lit on dad like buzzards +on a dead horse, and took possession of the hotel, and began to search +our baggage. + +[Illustration: Another took me by the ear 285] + +One Turk choked dad until his tongue hung out of his mouth, and another +took me by the ear and stretched it out so it was long as a mule's ear, +and they took us to a bastile and dad says it is all up with us now, +because they will drown us like a mess of kittens in a bag, and all +because we woke them up with a football yell in the wrong place. + +Well, we might as well wind up our career here as anywhere. Good-by, old +man. You will see our obituary in the papers. + +Your repentant, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem--“Little + Egypt” Does a Dancing Stunt--The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty + Wives to the President. + +Constantinople, Turkey.--My Dear Grocer-pasha: When I wrote you last +I thought you would be in mourning for dad and I before this, as there +seemed nothing for the Turks to do but to kill us after we had stampeded +the sultan and all his soldiers by giving them a university yell, but +after we had been confined in a sort of jail over night, dad and I had +a heart to heart talk, and my diplomacy saved us for the time being. +I told dad that what we wanted to do was to tell the Turks that dad +represented the American people, and had a communication to make to the +sultan personally, which would make him rich and happy. + +Well, say, they bit like a bass, and the next day they took us before +the sultan at the palace. Dad dug up a package of blank gold mining +stock in a mine that he was going to promote, though the mine was only a +small hole in the ground, and the stock had been offered for one cent a +share, the par value being a hundred dollars, so a man who got a share +for a cent would, when the mine got to paying, get a hundred dollars for +every cent he invested. + +Dad filled out one of the stock certificates for 1,000,000 shares, which +would represent a capital equal to all the debts of Turkey, and we went +before the sultan, and we couldn't have been treated better if we +had owned a brewery. Dad told his story to the sultan through an +interpreter, while I looked around at the gorgeous surroundings and +tried to think of something to do to wake them up. + +Dad said he came right fresh from the American people, and was +authorized by his mining company to present the sultan with untold +millions, for pure love of the Turkish people, whom they had seen riding +and leading camels at the Chicago world's fair, and dad produced the +stock certificate for 1,000,000 shares of stock in the Golden Horn Gold +Mining and Smelting company, and took out a handful of $20 gold pieces +and showed them to the crowd as specimens of gold that came from our +mine. + +He said our people did not expect anything in return, but just desired +the good will of the Turkish empire. He said that President Roosevelt +desired him to present his warmest regards to the sultan, and to invite +him to visit America, and if he would consent to do so, an American war +vessel would be furnished for him and the white house would be turned +over to him for his harem, and dad said the president wanted him +particularly to impress upon the sultan that if he came he must bring +his folks, all his wives that would be apt to size up for beauty with +our American women. + +[Illustration: He must bring his folks, and all his wives 289] + +Well, you ought to have seen that sickly looking sultan brace up when +dad handed him the millions of mining stock, and he grabbed the paper +like an old clothes buyer would grab a dress suit that a wife had sold +for 60 cents, belonging to her husband. He also wanted to see the gold +that dad had shown as coming from the mine, and when dad showed him the +yellow boys he took them as souvenirs and put them in his girdle, and +then I thought dad would faint, but he kept his nerve like a poker +player betting on a bobtail flush. + +The sultan asked so many questions about America that I was afraid dad +would get all balled up, but he kept his nerve, and lied as though he +was on the witness stand trying to save his life. Dad told the sultan he +was authorized by the American people to inquire into the industries of +Turkey, and what he particularly desired was an insight into the harems, +as a national institution, because many American people were gradually +adopting the customs of the orient, and he desired to report to congress +as to whether we should adopt the customs of Turkey with her dried +prunes and dates with worms in, and her attar of roses made of pig's +lard; her fez, to cure baldness, and her outlandish pants and peaked red +Morocco shoes, and her harems. + +The sultan said he would like to show us a little bunch of the cream of +the harem, who would do a stunt in the way of dancing, to celebrate the +good feeling of the American people, and the visit of the distinguished +statesman and gold miner to his realm, and dad said the sultan couldn't +turn his stomach with no cream of the harem, only they must keep +their hands off him, and the sultan promised he should be as safe as a +“unique,” whatever that is. + +Dad and I had hired knee breeches and things of a masquerade ball store, +and we didn't look half bad when the crowd of shieks and things formed a +crescent around the sultan, who sat in a sort of barber's chair with +an awning over it, and they sounded a hewgag or something, and about +a dozen pretty fine looking females, dressed like the ballet in a +vaudeville show, came in and began to dance before the sultan. + +Dad stood it first rate until a girl got on the carpet barefooted and +began one of those willowy sort of dances that nearly broke up the +Chicago fair, when people left the buildings filled with the work of the +world's artists, in all lines of progress, and went to the Midway in a +body to see “Little Egypt,” but when this dancer waltzed up to dad and +wiggled in a foreign language, dad sashayed up to her and I couldn't +hold him back. + +[Illustration: He was just getting warmed up 293] + +He was just getting warmed up to “balance to partners,” when a frown +came over the sultan's face and he looked cross at dad, and then the +hewgag sounded, and the girls scattered out of a side door and dad +wanted to follow, but I held him by the coat, and it was over. I +think those girls were the only ones in the whole harem that were good +looking. + +Dad breathed hard a little from his exercise, and said he was ready to +inspect the stock, and the sultan detailed a tall negro, with a face +dried up like a mummy, and we started out through the harem, dad pulling +the long hair on the side of his head over his bald spot, and throwing +his shoulders back and drawing in his stomach to make him look young. + +Well, say, there is nothing about a harem, much different from keeping +house at home, except that there is more of it. The idea people get of +harems is that the women are all young and beautiful, and that they sit +around a swimming tank and play guitars and keep the flies off the man +who owns the place, while he smokes the vile Turkish tobacco burning in +a jardiniere, through a section of rubber hose, and goes to sleep like +a Chinaman smoking opium, and that they drink rare wines and dance with +bangles on their legs and ropes of pearls on their necks and arms. + +I have seen alleged imitations of a Turkish harem on the stage, with +American girls doing the acting, and it would make you feel as though +you would invest in a harem when you got old enough, but, gee, when you +see a regular harem, run by an up-to-date Turk, you think of the Mormon +apostle who has 40 wives of all ages, from 70 down to a 16-year-old +hired girl, with a hair-lip and warts on her thumbs. This harem was like +a big stock barn in the states, with a big room to exercise the colts, +and box stalls for the different wives and their families to live in and +do their own cooking and washing. + +Instead of sitting by a bath playing a harp, the poor old wives stand by +a washtub and play tunes on the washboard, and scrub, and take care +of children. I thought the custom of spanking children was an American +institution, but it is as old as the ages, for I saw a Turkish mother +grab up a child that had lifted a kitten by the tail, and take it across +her knee and give it a few with a red hand covered with soapsuds, and +the young Turk yelled bloody murder, just like an American kid, and then +sat down on its knees, so the spanking wouldn't hurt, and called its +mother names in a language I couldn't understand, but I knew what the +child said, by instinct. Dad started to interfere, because he is a +member of the humane society, but the unique that was showing us around +saved dad's life by pushing him along, before the woman got a chance to +brain him with the washboard. + +The women mostly had on these baggy Turkish trousers, like the Zouaves +wear, and a jacket, and a cloth around their heads, and they acted as +though if the next meal came along all right they would be in luck. We +saw a few women pretty white, and they were Circassian slaves, with big +eyes and hoops in their ears, and a little different clothes on, but +there were none that dad would buy at an auction, or at a bargain sale, +if they were marked down to 99 cents. + +We passed one woman running an American sewing machine, and dad said +he'd bet she was an American, and he went up to her and said: “Hello, +sis!” She stopped the machine, looked up at dad with a sort of Bowery +expression, and said: “Gwan, Chauncey Depew, you old peach, or I'll have +you pinched,” and the unique took dad by the arm and pulled him along +real spry, but he hung back and looked over his shoulder at the woman, +but she went on sewing, and dad said to me: “Well, wouldn't that frost +you?” And we went on making the inspection. + +I don't think I ever saw so many children, outside of an orphan asylum, +all about the same size and all looking exactly alike. They all had the +same beady black eyes that look as though they were afraid of getting +caught in a trap, like muskrats, and their noses had the same inquiring +appearance, as though the owner was speculating as to how much money +the visitors had in their pockets, and whether it was fastened in. Race +suicide is impossible in Turkey, but a race of bandits is growing up +that will let no foreigners with a pocketbook escape. + +It took us an hour to go through the harem, and it was more like going +through the quarters of the working women of a home laundry in the +tenement district of a large city, than a comic opera, as we had been +led to expect by what we had read of harems. When we went into the harem +I think dad was going to insist on having the women dance for him, while +he sat on a throne and threw kisses at the most beautiful women in all +the world, but before we had got around all the box stalls I think if +any of them had started to dance dad would have stampeded in a body. + +We finally got back to the great marble room, where the sultan was +sleeping in a stuffed chair, surrounded by his staff, and one of them +woke him up, and he asked dad what he thought of the home life of a +crowned head, and dad said it beat anything he had ever seen, and he +should recommend to his government that the harem system be adopted in +America, and actually the sultan seemed pleased. He said as an evidence +of his love for America he wanted to present to the president, through +dad, 50 of his wives, and if dad would indicate where he wanted them +delivered, they would be there, Johnny on the spot, or words to that +effect. + +At first I thought dad would faint away, but I whispered to him that it +would be discourteous to decline a present, after giving the sultan a +gold mine, and that may be the old man would be so mad, if he declined +the wives, that he would tie stones to our legs and sink us in the +Bosphor-ous, so dad rallied and said, on behalf of his government, he +would accept the kindly and thoughtful gift of his highness, and that he +would cable for a war vessel to take the wives to his own America, and +he would notify the sultan when to round them up and load them on the +vessel. + +Well, sir, I do not know what possessed me to make a scene, before we +got out of the presence of the sultan, but it all came to me sudden, +like an inspiration comes to a poet. I had been eating some fruit that +I bought in a paper bag, and when I had eaten the last of it, I wondered +what I would do with the bag, and then I thought what fun it would be to +blow the bag up, and suddenly burst it, when all was still. So I blowed +up the bag, so it was as hard as a bladder, and tied a string around +the neck, and waited. I did not think how afraid everybody in these old +countries is of bombs, or I never would have done it, honestly. + +The sultan was signing some papers, and looking out of the corners of +his eyes to see if anybody was present who was suspicious, and dad was +getting ready to make a salam, and back out of the presence of the ruler +of Turkey, when I got behind some of the officials who were watching the +sultan, and I laid my paper bag on the marble floor, and it was as still +as death, and all you could hear was the scratching of the pen, when I +jumped up in the air as though I had a fit, and yelled “Allah,” and came +down with my whole weight on the paper bag, and of all the stampedes you +ever saw, that was the worst. + +[Illustration: Stampede 299] + +You know what a noise it makes to bust a paper bag. Well, this was the +toughest old bag I ever busted, and it sounded like a cannon fired down +cellar somewhere, and the air was full of dust, and before I could get +up the sultan had tipped over the table and run yelling into another +room, praying to “Allah,” and all the staff had lit out for tall timber, +and there was nobody left but dad and the unique and myself, and the +unique took dad by the arm and started for the door, and we were fired +out. + +As I went out of the room I looked around, and there was a Turk's head +sticking out of every door to see how many had been killed by the bomb, +and as we got out doors, dad said “Now we have to get out of Turkey +before night, or we die. Me for Egypt, boy, if we can catch a boat +before we are drawn and quartered.” So here goes for Cairo, Egypt. + +Yours only, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo--At the Hotel They + Meet Some Egyptian Princesses--Dan Rides a Camel to the + Pyramids and Meets with Difficulties. + +Cairo, Egypt.--My Dear Old Irish Vegetable: Gee, but you ought to see +dad and I right now at a hotel, waiting for a chance at a room, when +a bride and groom get ready to vacate it, and go somewhere else. This +hotel is full of married people who look scared whenever there is a +new arrival, and I came pretty near creating a panic by going into the +parlor of the hotel, where a dozen couples were sitting around making +goo-goo eyes at each other, and getting behind a screen and, in a +disguised voice, shouting, “I know all! Prepare to defend yourself!” + +The women turned pale and some said, “At last! At last!” while others +got faint in the head, and some fell on the bosoms of their husbands and +said: “Don't shoot!” You see, most of these wives had husbands somewhere +else that might be looking for them. I have warned dad not to be seen +conversing with a woman, or he may be shot by a husband who is on her +trail, or by the husband she has with her. + +Well, sir, of all the trips we have had anywhere, the trip from +Constantinople here was the limit. For two or three days we were on +dinky steamboats with Arabs, Turks, negroes and all nationalities +camping on deck, full of fleas, and with cholera germs on them big +enough to pick like blueberries, and all of the passengers were dirty +and eat things that would make a dog in America go mad. The dog biscuit +that are fed to American dogs would pass as a delicate confection on +the menu of any steamboat we struck, and I had rather lie down in a barn +yard with a wet dog for a pillow and a cast-off blanket from a smallpox +hospital for a bed, than to occupy the bridal chamber of any steamboat +we struck. + +And then the ride across the desert by rail to reach Cairo was the worst +in the world. Passengers in rags, going to Mecca, or some other place of +worship, eating cheese a thousand years old made from old goat's milk, +and dug from the Pyramids too late to save it, was what surrounded us, +and the sand storm blew through the cars laden with germs of the plague, +and stuck to us so tight you couldn't get it off with sandpaper, and +when we got here all we have had to do is to bathe the dirt off in +layers. + +[Illustration: It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis +304] + +It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis, and the last bath +has a jackplane to go with it, and a thing they scale fish with. But we +are all right now, with rooms in the hotel, and rested, and when we go +home we are going to be salted down and given chloroform and shipped +as mummies. Dad insists that he will never cross a desert or an ocean +again, and I don't know what is to become of us. Anyway, we are going to +enjoy ourselves until we are killed off. + +The first two days we just looked about Cairo, and saw the congress of +nations, for there is nothing just like this town anywhere. There are +people from all quarters of the globe, the most outlandish and the most +up-to-date. This place is an asylum for fakirs and robbers, a place +where defaulters, bribers, murderers, swindlers and elopers are safe, +as there seems to be no extradition treaty that cannot be overcome by +paying money to the officials. I found that out the first day, and told +dad we should have no standing in the society of Egypt unless the people +thought he had committed some gigantic crime and fled his country. + +Dad wanted to know how it would strike me if it was noised about the +hotel that he had robbed a national bank, but I, told him there would +be nothing uncommon or noticeable about robbing a bank, as half the +tourists were bank defaulters, so he would have to be accused of +something startling, so we decided that dad should be charged with +being the principal thing in the Standard Oil Company, and that he had +underground pipe lines running under several states, gathering oil away +from the people who owned it, and that at the present time he was worth +a billion dollars, and his income was $9,000,000 every little while, +and, by ginger, you ought to see the people bow down to him. Say, common +bank robbers and defaulters just fell over themselves to get acquainted +with dad, and to carry out the joke, I put some kerosene oil on dad's +handkerchief, and that clinched it, for everybody loves the smell of a +perfume that represents a billion dollars. + +All the women wanted to dance with dad in the hotel dance, and because +they thought I must be heir to all the oil billions, they wanted to hold +me on their laps, and stroke my hair, as though I was it. I guess we +are going to have everything our own way here, and if dad does not +get eloped with by some Egyptian princess, I shall be mistaken. The +Egyptians are pretty near being negroes, and wear bangles in their ears, +and earrings on their arms. You take it in the dark, and let a princess +put her arms around you, and sort of squeeze you, and you can't tell +but what she is white, only there is an odor about them like “Araby the +blessed,” but in the light they are only negroes, a little bleached, +with red paint on their cheeks. If I was going to marry an Egyptian +woman, I would take her to Norway, or up towards the north pole, where +it is night all day, and you wouldn't realize that you were married to +a colored woman. To be around among these Egyptians is a good deal like +having a pass behind the scenes at the play of Ben Hur in New York, only +here the dark and dangerous women are the real thing, instead of being +white girls with black paint on. + +We have just got back from the pyramids, and dad is being treated for +spinal meningitis, on account of riding a camel. I never tried harder +to get dad to go anywhere on the cars than I did to get him to go to the +pyramids by rail, as a millionaire should, but he said he was going to +break a camel to the saddle, and then buy him and take him home for a +side show. So we went down to the camel garage and hired a camel for +dad, and four camels for the arabs and things he wanted for an escort, +and a jackass for me. There were automobiles and carriages, and +trolleys, and everything that we could have hired, and been comfortable +for the ten-mile ride, but dad was mashed on the camel, and he got it. + +Well, sir, it was not one of these world's fair camels that lay down for +you to get on, and then got up on the installment plan, and chuck you +forward and aft, but a proud Egyptian camel that stands up straight and +makes you climb up on a stepladder. + +Dad got along up the camel's ribs, when the-stepladder fell, and he +grabbed hold of the hair on the two humps, and the humps were loose and +they lopped over on the side, and it must have hurt the camel's feelings +to have his humps pulled down, so he reached around his head and took a +mouthful out of the seat of dad's pants, and dad yelled to the camel +to let go, and the Arabs amputated the camel from dad's trousers, and +pushed dad up on top with a bamboo pole with a crotch in it, and when +dad got settled between the humps he said, “Let 'er go,” and we started. + +Dad could have had a camel with a platform on top, and an awning, but he +insisted on taking his camel raw, and he sat there between those humps, +his trousers worked up towards his knees, showing his red socks and blue +drawers, and his face got pale from sea sickness, and the red, white and +blue colors made me think of a fourth of July at home. We went out of +town like a wild west show, and dad seemed happy, except that every time +an automobile went whizzing along, dad's camel got the jumps and waltzed +sideways out into the sandy desert, and chewed at dad's socks, so part +of the time dad had to draw up his legs and sit on one hump and put his +shoes on the other hump. The Arabs on the other camels would ride up +alongside and steer dad's camel back into the road, by sticking sharp +sticks into the camel, and the animal would yawn and groan and make up +faces at me on my jackass, and finally dad wanted to change works with +me and ride my jackass, but I told him we had left the stepladder back +at Cairo, so dad hung to his mountainous steed, but the dust blew so +you couldn't see, and it was getting monotonous when the queerest thing +happened. + +You have heard that camels can fill up with water and go for a week +without asking for any more. Well, I guess the week was up, and it was +time to load the camels with water, for as we came to the Nile every +last camel made a rush for the river, and they went in like a yoke of +oxen on a stampede, and waded in clear up to the humps, and began to +drink, and dad yelled for a life preserver and pulled his feet up on top +and sat there like a frog on a pond lily leaf. + +[Illustration: Sat there like a frog on a pond lily leaf 308] + +My jackass only stepped his feet in the edge, and dad wanted me to swim +my jackass out to the camel and let him fall off onto the jack, but I +knew dad would sink my jack in a minute, and I wouldn't go in the river. +Well, the camels drank about an hour, with dad sitting there meditating, +and then the dragomen got them out, and we started off for the pyramids, +which were in plain sight like the pictures you have seen, with palm +trees along the Nile, and Arabs camping on the bank, and it looked as +though everything was going to be all right, when suddenly dad's camel +stopped dead still and wouldn't move a foot, and all the rest of the +camels stopped, closed their eyes and went to sleep, and the Arabs went +to sleep, and dad and the jackass and I were apparently the only animals +in Egypt that were awake. + +Dad kicked his camel in the ribs, but it wouldn't budge. He asked me if +I could't think up some way to start the procession, and I stopped my +jackass and thought a minute, and told dad I had it. I had bought some +giant fire crackers and roman candles at Cairo, with which I was going +to fire a salute on top of the biggest pyramid, to celebrate for old +America, and I told dad what I had got, and I thought if I got off my +jackass and fired a salute there in the desert it would wake them up. + +Dad said, “all right, let 'er go, but do it sort of easy, at first, so +not to overdo it,” and I got my artillery ready. Say, you can't fire off +fireworks easy, you got to touch a match to 'em and dodge and take your +chances. Well, I scratched a match and lit the giant fire cracker, and +put it under the hind legs of dad's camel, and when it got to fizzing +I lit my roman candle, and as the fire cracker exploded like a 16-inch +gun, my roman candle began to spout balls of fire, and I aimed one at +each camel, and the whole push started on a stampede for the pyramids, +the camels groaning, the Arabs praying to Allah, dad yelling to stop +'er, and my jackass led the bunch, and I was left in the desert to pick +up the hats. + +[Illustration: Started on a stampede for the pyramids 311] + +I guess I will have to tell you' the rest of the tragedy in my next +letter. + +Yours with plenty of sand, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids--The Bad Boy + Lights a Cannon Cracker in Rameses' Tomb--They Flee from + Egypt in Disguise. + +Cairo, Egypt.--My Dear Old Geezer: I broke off my last letter in sight +of the pyramids, when I was left alone on the desert, my jackass having +stampeded with the camels, on account of my fireworks, and I presume +you think I was all in, but I got to the pyramids before the stampeded +caravan did. I saw a car coming along, and I just got aboard and in ten +minutes I was at the base of the big pyramid, and the camel with dad on +between the humps, was humping himself half a mile away, trying to get +there, and the other camels, with the Arabs, were stretched out like +horses in a race, behind, and my jackass was right next to dad's camel, +braying and occasionally kicking dad's camel in the slats. + +There were about a hundred tourists around the stampede of the camels, +and I told them my the base of the big pyramid, all looking towards dad, +the great American millionaire, was on the runaway camel in advance, and +asked them to form a line across the trail and save dad, but when the +camel came nearer I was ashamed of dad. He had his arms around the front +hump of the camel, and he was yelling for help to stop his menagerie, +and his legs were flying in the air, and every time they came down they +kicked a hole in the side of the camel. + +[Illustration: I was ashamed of dad 319] + +Well, sir, I thought dad was a brave man, but he blatted like a calf, +and when the camel stopped and went to eating a clump of grass dad +opened his eyes, and when he saw that the procession had stopped he +rolled off his camel like a bag of wheat, and stuck in the sand and +began to say a prayer, but when he saw me standing there, laughing, he +stopped praying, and said to me: “I thought you were blown up when that +jackass kicked the can of dynamite. You have more lives than a cat. Now, +get a hustle on you and we will climb that pyramid, and then quit +this blasted country,” and dad sat down on a hummock and began to pull +himself together, after the most fearful ride he ever had. He said the +camel loped, trotted, galloped, single-footed and shied all at the same +time, and when one hump was not jamming him in the back the other hump +was kicking him in the stomach, and if he had a gun he would shoot the +camel, and the Arabs, and bust up the show. + +By the time dad got so he could stand up without leaning against a +pyramid the Arabs came up and they all talked at once, and drew knives, +and it seemed as though they were blaming dad for something. We found +an interpreter among the tourists, and he talked with the Arabs, and +pointing to the camel dad had ridden, which was stretched out on the +sand like he was dead, he told dad the Arabs wanted him to pay for the +camel he had ridden to death, and foundered by letting it drink a wagon +load of water, and then entered in a race across the desert, and the +interpreter said dad better pay, or they would kill him. + +[Illustration: Pay, or they would kill him 316] + +Dad settled for the camel for a hundred dollars, and a promise of the +skin of the camel, which he was going to take home and have stuffed. +Then a man who pretended to be a justice of the peace had dad arrested +for driving off of a walk, and he was fined $10 and costs for that, and +then all the Arabs stuck him for money for one thing and another, and +when he had settled all around and paid extra for not riding back to +Cairo on the camel, we got ready to climb up the pyramid. Dad said he +wouldn't ride that camel back to Cairo for a million dollars, for he was +split up so his legs began where his arms left off, and he was lame from +Genesis to Revelations. + +But I never saw such a lot of people to pray as these pirates are. Just +before they rob a man they get down on their knees on a rug, and mumble +something to some god, and after they have got you robbed good and +plenty, they get down and pray while they are concealing the money they +took from you. Gee, but when I get home I am going to steer the train +robbers and burglars onto the idea of always being on praying grounds. + +Well, I told dad he hadn't better try to climb up the pyramid, that I +would go up, 'cause I could climb like a goat, and when I got up to the +top I would fire a salute, so everybody would know that a star spangled +American was on deck, but dad said he would go up or quit the tourist +business. He said he had come thousands of miles to climb the pyramids, +and sit in the shadow of the spinks, and by ginger he was going to do +it, and so we started. + +Well, say, each stone is about four feet high, and dad couldn't get up +without help, so an Arab would go up a stone ahead, and take hold of +dad's hands, and two more Arabs would get their shoulders under dad's +pants, and shove, and he would get up gradually. We got about half way +up when dad weakened, and said he didn't care so much about pyramids as +he thought he did, and he was ready to quit, but the guide and some of +the tourists said we were right near the entrance to the great tomb of +the kings, and that we better go in and at least make a formal call on +the crowned heads, and so we went in, through dark passages, with little +candles that the guides carried, and up and down stairs, until finally +we got into a big room that smelled like a morgue, with bats and evil +looking things all around, and I felt creepy. + +The guides got down on their knees to pray, and I thought it was time to +be robbed again. I do not know what made me think of making a sensation +right there in the bowels of that pyramid, where there were corpses +thousands of years old, of Egypt's rulers. I never felt that way at +home, when I visited a cemetery, but I though I would shoot my last +roman candle and fire my last giant firecracker right there in that +moseleum, and take the chances that we would get out alive. So when the +tourists were lined up beside a tomb of some Rameses or other, and the +guides were praying for strength and endurance, probably, to get away +with all the money we had, I picked out a place up toward the roof that +seemed full of bats and birds of ill omen, and I sneaked my roman candle +out from under my shirt, and touched the fuse to a candle on the turban +of a guide who was on his knees, and just as the first fire ball was +ready to come out I yelled “Whoop-la-much-a wano, epluribus un-um,” and +the fire balls lighted up the gloom and knocked the bats gaily west. + +Holy jumping cats, but you ought to have seen the guides, yelling Allah! +Allah! and groveling on the floor, and the bats were flying around in +the faces of the tourists, and everybody was simply scared out of +their boots. I thought I might as well wind the thing up glorious, so +I touched the tail of my last giant firecracker to the sparks that were +oozing out of my empty roman candle, and threw it into the middle of the +great room, and when it went off you would think a cannon had exploded, +and everybody rushed for the door, and we fell over each other getting +out through the passage towards the door. + +I was the first to get out on to the side of the pyramid, and I watched +for the crowd to come out. The tourists got out first, and then dad came +out, puffing and wheezing, and the last to come out were the Arabs, and +they came on their hands and knees, calling to Mr. Allah and every one +of them actually pale, and I think they were conscience-stricken, for +they began to give back the money they had robbed dad of, and an Arab +must be pretty scared to give up any of his hard-earned robberies. I +think dad was about the maddest man there was, until he got some of his +money back, when he felt better, but he gave me a talking to that I will +never forget. + +He said: “Don't you know better than to go around with explosives, like +a train robber, and fire them off in a hole in the ground, where there +is no ventilation, and make people's ears ring? Maybe you have woke +up those kings and queens in there, and changed a dynasty, you little +idiot.” The rest of the crowd wanted to throw me down the side of the +pyramid, but I got away from them and went up on top of the pyramid and +hoisted a small American flag, and left it floating there, and then came +back to where the crowd was discussing the explosion in the tomb, and +then we all went down the side of the pyramid. + +The guides got their nerve back after they got out in the air, because +they wouldn't help dad down unless he paid them something every stone +they helped him climb down, so when he got down he didn't have any +money, and hardly any pants, because what pants the Arabs didn't tear +were worn off on the stones, so when he showed up in front of the spinks +he was a sight, and he bought a turban of a guide and unwound it and +wound it around him in place of pants. I was ashamed of dad myself, and +it is pretty hard to make me ashamed. + +We went back to Cairo on the cars, and what do you think, that dead +camel that the Arabs made dad pay for was with the caravan going back +to town, 'cause we saw him out of the car window with the hair wore off +where dad kicked him in the side. The tourists say the Arabs have that +camel trained to die every day when they get to the pyramids, and they +make some tenderfoot pay for him at the end of each journey. Dad is +going to try to get his money back from the Egyptian government, but I +guess he will never realize on his claim. + +Well, sir, after dad had doctored all night to get the camel rheumatism +and spinal meningitis out of his system, we took a trip by boat on the +Nile, and saw the banks where the people grow crops by irrigation, and +where an English syndicate has built a big dam, so the whole valley can +be irrigated, and I tell you it will not be long before Egypt will raise +everything used in the world on that desert, and every other country +that raises food to sell will be busted up in business, but it is +disgusting to take a trip on the Nile, 'cause all the natives are dirty +and sick with contagious diseases, and they are lazy and crippled, and +beg for a living, and if you don't give them something they steal all +you got. You are in luck if you get away without having leprosy, or the +plague, or cholera, or fleas. + +So we went back to Cairo, and there was the worst commotion you ever +saw, about my fireworks in the tomb. The papers said that an American +dynamiter had attempted to blow up the great pyramid, and take +possession of the country and place it under the American flag, and that +the conspirators were spotted and would be arrested and put in irons as +soon as they got back from a trip on the Nile. + +Well, sir, dad found his career would close right here, and that he +would probably spend the balance of his life in an Egyptian prison if +wc didn't get out, so we made a sneak and got into our hotel, bought +disguises and are going to get out of here tonight, and try to get to +Gibraltar, or somewhere in sight of home. Dad is disguised as a shiek, +with whiskers and a white robe, like a bath robe, and I am going to +travel with him as an Egyptian girl till we get through the Suez canal. + +[Illustration: Dad is disguised as a shiek 323] + +Gee, but I wouldn't be a nigger girl only to save dad. + +Your innocent, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar--The Irish-English Army-- + How He Would Take the Fortress--Dad Wants to Buy the “Rock.” + +Gibraltar, in Spain and England. My Dear Foster Uncle: It seems good +to get somewhere that you can hear the English language spoken by the +Irish, and the English soldiers are nearly all Irish. When you think of +the way the British government treats the Irish, and then you look on +while an orderly sergeant calls the roll of a company, and find that +nine out of ten answer to Irish names, and only one out of ten has the +cockney accent, you feel that the Irish ought to rule England, and an +O'Rourke or a O'Shaunnessy should take the place of King Edward. It +makes a boy who was brought up in an Irish ward in America feel like he +was at home to mix with British soldiers who come from the old sod. +Dad says that there is never an army anywhere in the world, except the +armies of Russia and Japan, that the bravest men are not answering to +Irish names, and always on the advance in a fight, or in the rear when +there is a retreat. Dad says that in our own army, when the North and +South were fighting, the Irish boys were the fellows who saved the +day. They wanted to fight nights and Sundays, and never struck for an +eight-hour day, or union wages. When the fighting was over, and soldiers +were sick, or discouraged, and despondent, an Irish soldier would come +along, maybe on crutches, or with a bullet in his inwards, and tell +funny stories and make the discouraged fellows laugh in spite of +themselves, and when another fight was on, you had to tie the wounded +Irish soldiers to their cots in the hospital, or put them in jail to +keep them from forgetting their wounds, and going to the front for one +more fight. Dad says if there was an Irish nation with an army and navy, +the whole world would have to combine to whip them, and yet the nation +that has the control of the Irish people treats them worse than San +Francisco treats Chinamen, makes them live on potatoes, and allows +landlords to take away the potatoes if they are shy on the rent. Gosh, +if I was an Irishman I would see the country that walked on my neck in +hell before I would fight for it. (Gee, dad looked over my shoulder and +saw what I had written, and he cuffed me on the side of the head, and +said I was an incendiary and that I ought to have sense enough not to +write treason while a guest on British soil.) Well, I don't care a +darn. It makes me hot under the collar when I think of the brave Irish +fellows, and I wonder why they don't come to America in a body and be +aldermen and policemen. When I get home I am going to join the Fenians, +and raise thunder, just as quick as I am old enough. + +[Illustration: Keep away from the banks for fear the banks will cave in +329] + +Well, sir, we have been through the Suez canal, and for a great modern +piece of engineering it doesn't size up with a sewer in Milwaukee, or +a bayou in Louisiana. It is just digging a railroad cut through the +desert, and letting in the water, and there you are. The only question +in its construction was plenty of dredging machines, and a place to +pile the dirt, and water that just came in of its own accord, and stays +there, and smells like thunder, and you see the natives look at it, and +keep away from the banks for fear the banks will cave in on them, and +give them a bath before their year is up, cause they don't bathe but +once a year, and when they skip a year nobody knows about it, except +that they smell a year or so more frowsy, like butter that has been left +out of the ice box. Our boat went right along, and got out of the canal, +because it was a mail boat, but the most of the boats we saw were tied +up to the bank, waiting for the millennium. We saw some Russian boats +waiting for the war to blow over and as we passed them every Russian on +board looked scared, as though we were Japs that were going to fire a +torpedo under them, or throw a bomb on deck, and when our boat got by +the Russian boat, the crew was called to prayers, to thank the Lord, or +whoever it is that the Russians thank, because they had escaped a dire +peril. I guess the Russians are all in, and that those who have not gone +to the front are shaking hands with themselves, and waiting for the dove +of peace to alight on their guns. The Suez canal probably pays, and no +wonder, cause they charge what they please to boats that go through, and +if they don't pay all they have to do is to stay out, and go around a +few thousand miles. It is like a ferry across a little stream out west, +where there is no other way to cross, except to wade or go around, and +the old ferryman sizes up the wagon load that wants to cross, and takes +all they have got loose, and then the travelers are ahead of the game, +cause if they didn't cross the stream they would have to camp on the +bank until the stream dried up. Some day an earthquake will split that +desert wide open and the water in the Suez canal will soak into the +sand and the steamboats will lay in the mud, and be covered with a sand +storm, and future ages will be discovering full rigged ships down deep +on the desert. Dad says we better sell our stock in the canal and buy +air ship stock. And talk about business, there is more tonnage goes +through the Soo canal, between Michigan and Canada than goes through the +Suez and we don't howl about it very much. + +Well, sir, I have studied Gibraltar in my geography, and read about +it in the papers, and seen its pictures in advertisements, but never +realized what a big thing it was. Now, who ever thought of putting +that enormous rock right there on that prairie, but God. I suppose the +English, when they saw that rock, thought the good Lord had put it there +for the English to drill holes in, for guns, and when the Lord was +busy somewhere else, the English smoughed the rock away from Spain, by +playing a game with loaded dice, and when England got it, that country +decided to arm it like a train robber, and hold up the other nations of +the earth. When a vessel passes that rock it has to hold up its hands +and salute the British flag, or get a mess of hardware fired into its +vital parts, but that is all it amounts to, cause it couldn't win any +battle for England, and could only sink trading vessels. The walls of +the rock are perforated from top to bottom, with holes big enough for +guns to squirt smoke and shells, but if the enemy should stay away from +right in front of the holes, they might shoot till doomsday and never +hit anything but fishing smacks and peddlers of oranges. Gibraltar is +like a white elephant in a zoological garden. It just eats and keeps off +the flies with its short tail, and visitors feed it peanuts and wonder +what it was made for, and how much hay it eats. Gibraltar is like a +twenty-dollar gold piece that a man carries in his watch pocket for an +emergency, which he never intends to spend until he gets in the tightest +place of his life, and it wears out one pocket after another, and some +day drops through on to the sidewalk, and a tramp finds it and goes on +a bat and gets the worth of his money, and has a good time, if he saves +enough to buy a bromo seltzer the next morning after. It is like the +Russian war chest, that is never to be opened as long as they can borrow +money. If Gibraltar could be put on castors, and rolled around from one +country to another, England could whip all Europe and Asia. It would be +a Tro Jane horse on a larger scale, and be a terror; but, say, if it got +to America we wouldn't do a thing to it. We would run a standpipe up the +side, and connect it with an oil pipe line, fill Gibraltar's tunnels and +avenues, and magazines and barracks with crude oil, and touch a match to +it, and not an Englishman would live to tell about it. Gee, but I would +be sorry for the Irish soldiers, but I guess they wouldn't be there, +cause they wouldn't fight America. Well, if England ever has a big war, +and she gets chesty about Gibraltar, and says it is impregnable, and +defies the world to take it, I bet you ten dollars it could be taken in +twenty-four hours. If I was a general, or an admiral, I would have about +forty tank steamers, loaded with kerosene, and have them land, innocent +like, right up beside Gibraltar, ostensibly to sell oil for perfumery +to the natives, who would all be improved by using kerosene on their +persons. Then I would get on a barrel, on deck of my flag ship, and +command the English general to surrender unconditionally, and if he +refused I would set a slow match on every oil vessel, and have the crews +get in skiffs and pull for the opposite shore, and when the oil got on +fire, and rolled up all over Gibraltar, and burned every living thing, I +would throw water from a fire department boat on the rock, and she would +split open and roll all over-the prairie, and then I would bury the +cremated dead out on the desert, and seek other worlds to conquer, like +Alexander the Great. But don't be afraid. I won't do it unless they make +me mad, but you watch my smoke if they pick on your little Hennery too +much, when he grows up. + +But I haven't got any kick coming about Gibraltar, cause they treated +dad and I all right, and the commander detailed an ensign to show us all +through the fortress. Now don't get an ensign mixed up with a unique, +such as showed us through the Turkish harem. An English ensign is just +as different from a Turkish unique as you can imagine. Every man to his +place. You couldn't teach a Turkish unique how to show visitors around +an English fortress, and an English ensign in a Turkish harem would +bring on a world's war, they are so different. Well, wc went through +tunnels in the rock, and up and down elevators, and all was light as day +from electric lights, and we saw ammunition enough to sink all the ships +in the world, if it could be exploded in the right place, and they have +provisions enough stored in the holes in the rock to keep an army for +forty years if they didn't get ptomaine poisoned from eating canned +stuff. It was all a revelation to dad, and when we got all through, +and got out into the sunlight, we breathed free, and when clad got his +second wind he broke up the English officers by taking out a pencil and +piece of paper, and asked them what they would take for the rock and its +contents, and move out, and let the American flag float over it. Well, +say, they were hot, and they told dad to go plum to 'ell, but dad +wouldn't do it. He said America didn't want the old stone quarry, +anyway, and if it did it could come and take it. I guess they would have +had dad arrested for treason, only when we got out into the town there +was the whole British Atlantic squadron lined up, with the men up in the +rigging like monkeys, and every vessel was firing a salute, as a yacht +came steaming by. Dad thought war had surely broke out, or that some +rich American owned the yacht, but it turned out to be Queen Alexandria +and a party of tourists, and when the band played “God Save the Queen,” + dad got up on his hind legs and sang so loud you would think he would +split hisself, and a fellow went up and threw his arms around dad, and +began to weep, and the tears came in dad's eyes, and another fellow +pinched dad's watch, and the celebration closed with everybody getting +drunk, and the queen sailed away. Say, we are going to Spain, on the +next boat, and you watch the papers. We will probably be hung for taking +Cuba and the Phillipines. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + +[Illustration: Sang so loud you would think he would split hisself 333] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + The Bad Boy Writes of Spain--They Call on the King And the + Bad Boy is at it Once More--They See a Bull Fight and Dad + Does a Turn. + +Madrid, Spain.--My Dear Uncle: You probably think we are taking our +lives in our hands by coming to Spain, so soon after the Cuban war, in +which President Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill, in the face of over +thirty bloodthirsty Spaniards, and captured the blockhouse on the +summit of the hill, which was about as big as a switchman's shanty, and +wouldn't hold two platoons of infantry, of twelve men to the platoon, +without crowding, and which closed the war, after the navy had +everlastingly paralyzed the Spanish vessels, and sunk them in wet water, +and picked up the crews and run them through clothes-wringers to dry +them out; but we are as safe here as we would be on South Clark street, +in Chicago. Do you know, when I read of that charge of our troops up San +Juan hill, headed by our peerless bear-hunter, I thought it was like the +battle of Gettysburg, where hundreds of thousands of men fought on each +side, and I classed Roosevelt with Grant, Sheridan, Sherman, Meade and +Thomas, and all that crowd, but one day I got talking with a veteran of +the Spanish-American war, who promptly deserted after every pay day, and +re-enlisted after he had spent his money, and he didn't do a thing to my +ideas of the importance of that battle. He told me it was only a +little skirmish, like driving in a picket post, and that there were not +Spaniards enough there to have a roll call, not so many Spanish soldiers +as there were American newspaper correspondents on our side, that only a +few were killed and wounded, and that a dozen soldiers in an army wagon +could have driven up San Juan hill with firecrackers and scared the +Spaniards out of the country, and that a part of a negro regiment did +pretty near all the shooting, while our officers did the yelling, and +had their pictures taken, caught in the act. So I have quit talking of +the heroism of our army in Cuba, because it makes everybody laugh and +they speak of Shaffer and Roosevelt, and hunch up their shoulders, and +say, “bah,” but when you talk about the navy, and Schley, and Sampson, +and Clark, and Bob Evans, they take off their hats and their faces are +full of admiration, and they say, “magnificent,” and ask you to take a +drink. Gee, but dad got his foot in it by talking about the blowing up +of the Maine, and looking saucy, as though he was going to get even with +the Spaniards, but he found that every Spaniard was as sorry for that +accident as we were, and they would take off their hats when the Maine +was mentioned, and look pained and heart-sick. I tell you the Spaniards +are about as good people as you will find anywhere, and dad has +concluded to fall back on Christopher Columbus for a steady diet +of talk, cause if it had not been for Chris we wouldn't have been +discovered to this day, which might have been a darn good thing for us. +But the people here do not recall the fact that there ever was a man +named Christopher Columbus, and they don't know what he ever discovered, +or where the country is that he sailed away to find, unless they are +educated, and familiar with ancient history, and only once in a while +will you find anybody that is educated. The children of America know +more about the history of Spain than the Spanish children. This country +reminds you of a play on the stage, the grandees in their picturesque +costumes, though few in number, compared to the population, are the +whole thing, and the people you see on the stage with the grandees, in +peasant costume, peddling oranges and figs, you find here in the life +of Spain, looking up to the grandees as though they were gods. Every +peasant carries a knife in some place, concealed about him, and no two +carry their toad stabbers in the same place. If you see a man reach his +finger under his collar to scratch his neck, the chances are his fingers +touch the handle of his dagger, and if he hitches up his pants, his +dagger is there, and if he pulls up his trousers leg to scratch for a +flea, you can bet your life his knife is right handy, and if you have +any trouble you don't know where the knife is coming from, as you do +about an American revolver, when one of our citizens reaches for his +pistol pocket. Spaniards are nervous people, on the move all the time, +and it is on account of fleas. Every man, woman and child contains more +than a million fleas, and as they can't scratch all the time, they keep +on the move, hoping the fleas will jump off on somebody else. When we +came here we were flealess, but every person we have come near to seems +to have contributed some fleas to us, until now we are loaded down +with them, and we find in our room at the hotel a box of insect powder, +which, is charged in with the candles. The king, who is a boy about +three years older than I am, is full of fleas, too, and he jumps around +from one place to another, like he was shaking himself to get rid of +them. He gets up in the morning and goes out horseback riding, and jumps +fences and rides tip and down the marble steps of the public buildings, +as though he wanted to make the fleas feel in danger, so they will +leave him. Seems to me if every man kept as many dogs as they do in +Constantinople, the fleas would take to the dogs, but they say here that +fleas will leave a dog to get on a human being, because they like the +smell of garlic, as every Spaniard eats garlic a dozen times a day. They +are trying to teach dogs to eat garlic, but no self-respecting dog will +touch it. We have had to fill up on garlic in order to be able to talk +with the people, cause dad got sea sick the first day here, everybody +smelled so oniony. Dad wanted a druggist to put up onions in capsules, +like they do quinine, so he could take onions and not taste them, but +he couldn't make the man understand. There ought to be a law against any +person eating onions, unless he is under a death sentence. But you can +stand a man with the onion habit, after you get used to it. It is a +woman, a beautiful woman, one you would like to have take you on your +lap and pet you, that ought to know better than to eat onions. Gee, but +when you see a woman that is so beautiful it makes her ache to carry her +beauty around, and you get near to her and expect to breathe the odor of +roses and violets, that makes you tired when she opens her mouth to say +soft words of love, and there comes to your nostrils the odor of onions. +Do you know, nothing would make me commit suicide so quick as to have +a wife who habitually loaded herself with onions. Dad was buying some +candy for me at a confectioner shop, of a beautiful Spanish woman, and +when he asked how much it was, she bent over towards him in the most +bewitching manner and breathed in his face and said, “Quatro-realis, +seignor,” which meant “four bits, mister,” and he handed her a +five-dollar gold piece, and went outdoors for a breath of fresh air, and +let her keep the change. He said she was welcome to the four dollars and +fifty cents if she would not breathe towards him again. + +[Illustration: Breathed in his face 339] + +Well, we have taken in the town, looked at the cathedrals, attended the +sessions of the cortez, and thew gambling houses, saw the people sell +the staple products of the country, which are prunes, tomatoes and wine. +The people do not care what happens as long as they have a quart of +wine. In some countries the question of existence is bread, but in Spain +it is wine. No one is so poor they cannot have poor wine, and with wine +nothing else is necessary, but a piece of cheese and bread helps the +wine some, though either could be dispensed with. In some countries +“wine, women and song” are all that is necessary to live. Here it is +wine, cheese and an onion. We went to see the king, because he is such +a young boy, and dad thought it would encourage the ruler to see an +American statesman, and to mingle with an American boy who could give +him cards and spades, and little casino, and beat him at any game. I +made dad put on a lot of badges we had collected in our town when there +were conventions held there, and when they were all pinned on dad's +breast he looked like an admiral. There was a badge of Modern Woodmen, +one of the Hardware Dealers' Association, one of the Wholesale +Druggists, one of the Amalgamated Association of Railway Trainmen, one +of the Farmers' Alliance, one of the Butter and Cheese-men's Convention, +one of the State Undertakers' Guild, and half a dozen others in brass, +bronze and tin, on various colored ribbons. Say, do you know, when they +ushered us into the throne room at the palace, and the little king, who +looked like a student in the high school, with dyspepsia from +overstudy and cake between meals, saw dad, he thought he was the most +distinguished American he had ever seen, and he invited dad up beside +him on the throne, and dad sat in the chair that the queen will sit +in when the boy king gets married, and I sat down on a front seat and +watched dad. Dad had read in the papers that the boy king wanted to +marry an American girl who was the possessor of a lot of money, so dad +began to tell the king of girls in America that were more beautiful than +any in the world, and had hundreds of millions of cold dollars, and an +appetite for raw kings, and that he could arrange a match for the king +that would make him richer than any king on any throne. The boy king was +becoming interested, and I guess dad would have had him married off all +right, if the king had not seen me take out a bag of candy and begin to +eat, when he said to me, “Come up here, Bub, and give me some of that.” + Gosh, but I trembled like a leaf, but I went right up the steps of the +throne and handed him the bag, and said, “Help yourself, Bub.” Well, +sir, the queerest thing happened. I had bought two pieces of candy +filled with cayenne pepper, for April fool, and the king handed the bag +to the master of ceremonies, a big Spaniard all covered over with gold +lace, and if you will believe me the king got one piece of the cayenne +pepper candy, and that spangled prime minister got the other, and the +king chewed his piece first, and he opened his mouth like a dog that has +picked up a hot boiled egg and he blew out his breath to cool his tongue +and said, “Whoosh,” and strangled, and sputtered, and then the prime +minister he got his, and he yelled murder in Spanish, and the king +called for water, and put his hands on his stomach and had a cramp, and +the other man he tied himself up in a double bowknot, and called for +a priest, and the king said he would have to go to the chapel, and the +fellows who were guarding the king took him away, breathing hard, and +red in the face, and dad said to me, “What the bloody hell you trying to +do with the crowned heads? Cause you have poisoned the whole bunch, and +we better get out.” + +[Illustration: The king got one piece of the cayenne pepper candy 347] + +So we went out of the palace while the king's retainers were filling him +with ice water. Well, they got the cayenne pepper out of him, because we +saw him at the bull fight in the afternoon, but for a while he had the +hottest box there ever was outside of a freight train, and if he lives +to be as old as Mr. Methuselah he will always remember his interview +with little Hennery. The bull fights ain't much. Bulls come in the +ring mad as wet hens, cause they stick daggers in them, and they bellow +around, and the Spaniards dodge and shake red rags at them, and after a +bull has ripped a mess of bowels out of a few horses, then a man with a +saber stabs the bull between the shoulders, and he drops dead, and the +crowd cheers the assassin of the bull, and they bring in another bull. +Well, sir, dad came mighty near his finish at the bull fight. When the +second bull came in, and ripped the stomach out of a blind horse, and +the bull was just charging the man who was to stab it, dad couldn't +stand it any longer and he climbed right over into the ring, and he +said: “Look a here, you heathen; I protest, in the name of the American +Humane Society, against this cruelty to animals, and unless this +business stops right here I will have this place pulled, and------” + +[Illustration: Dad couldn't stand it any longer 343] + +Well, sir, you would of thought that bull would have had sense enough +to see that dad was his friend, but he probably couldn't understand what +dad was driving at, for he made a rush for dad, and dad started to run +for the fence, and the bull caught dad just like dad was sitting in a +rocking chair, and tossed him over the fence, and dad's pants stayed +on the bull's horns, and dad landed in amongst a lot of male and female +grandees and everybody yelled, “Bravo, Americano,” and the police +wrapped a blanket around dad's legs and were going to take him to the +emergency hospital, but I claimed dad, and took him to the hotel. Dad is +ready to come home now. He says he is through. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + +[Illustration: Dad's pants stayed on the bull's horns 349] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin--They Call on Emperor + William and his Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them + All. + +Berlin, Germany.--My Dear Old Pummer-nickel: Now we have got pretty near +home, and you would enjoy it to be with us, because you couldn't tell +the town from Milwaukee, except for the military precision with which +everything is conducted, where you never take a glass of beer without +cracking your heels together like a soldier, and giving a military +salute to the bartender, who is the commander-in-chief of all who happen +to patronize his bar. Everybody here acts like he was at a picnic in the +woods, with a large barrel of beer, with perspiration oozing down the +outside, and a spigot of the largest size, which fills a schooner at one +turn of the wrist, and every man either smiles or laughs out loud, and +you feel as though there was happiness everywhere, and that heaven was +right here in this greatest German city. + +[Illustration: There is laughter everywhere 353] + +There is laughter everywhere, except when the Emperor drives by, +escorted by his bodyguard, on the finest horses in the world; then +every citizen on the street stops smiling and laughing; all stand +at attention, and every face takes on a solemn, patriotic, almost a +fighting look, as though each man would consider it his happiest duty +and pleasure to walk right up to the mouth of cannon and die in his +tracks for his pale-faced, haggard and loved Emperor. And the Emperor +never smiles on his subjects as he passes, but looks into every eye on +both sides of the beautiful street, with an expression of agony on his +face, but a proud light in his eye, as though he would say, “Ach, Gott, +but they are daisies, and they would fight for the Fatherland with the +last breath in their bodies.” + +The pride of the people in that moustached young man, with the look of +suffering, is only equalled by the pride of the Emperor in every German +in Germany, or anywhere on the face of the globe. There is none of the +“Hello, Bill!” such as we have in America, when the President drives +through his people, many of whom yell, “Hello, Teddy!” while he shows +his teeth, and laughs, and stands up in his carriage, and says, “Hello, +Mike,” as he recognizes an acquaintance. But these same “Hello, Bill,” + Americans are probably just as loyal to their chief, whoever he may be, +and would fight as hard as the loving Germans would for their hereditary +Emperor. + +I suppose there is somebody working in Berlin, but it seems to us that +the whole population, so far as can be seen, is bent on enjoying every +minute, walking the streets, in good clothes, giving military salutes, +and drinking beer between meals, and talking about what Germany would do +to an enemy if the ever-present chip on the shoulder should be knocked +off, even accidentally. But they all seem to love America, and when we +registered at the hotel, from Milwaukee, Wis., U. S. A., citizens began +to gather around us and ask about relatives at our home. They seem to +think that every German who has settled in Milwaukee owns a brewery, and +that all are rich, and that some day they will come back to Germany and +spend the money, and fight for the Emperor. + +We did not have the heart to tell them that all the Germans in Milwaukee +were going to stay there and spend their money, and while their hearts +were still warm towards the Fatherland, they loved the Stars and +Stripes, and would fight for the American flag, against the world, and +that the younger Germans spoke the German language, if it all, with a +Yankee accent. Gee, but wouldn't the people of Berlin be hot under the +collar if they knew how many Germans in America were unfamiliar with the +make-up of the German flag, and that they only see it occasionally when +some celebration of German days takes place. + +Well, when dad saw the German Emperor drive down the great street, and +got a look at his face, he said, “Hennery, I have got to see that +young man and advise him to go and consult a doctor,” and so we made +arrangements to go to the Palace and see the Emperor and his son, the +Crown Prince, who will before long take the empire on his shoulders, if +William is as sick as he looks. You don't have to hire any masquerade +clothes to call on the Emperor of Germany, like you do when you visit +royalty in Turkey and Egypt, for a good frock coat and a silk hat will +take you anywhere in the day time, and a swallowtail is legal tender at +night; so dad put on his frock coat and silk hat, just as he would to +go and attend an afternoon wedding at home, and we were ushered in to a +regular parlor, where the Emperor was having fun with his children, and +the Empress was doing some needlework. + +Dad supposed we would have to talk to the Emperor and the Prince through +an interpreter, and we stood there waiting for some one to break the +ice, when some one told the Emperor that an American gentleman and his +boy wanted to pay their respects, and the Emperor, who wore an ordinary +dark suit, with no military frills, took one of the young Princes he had +been playing with across his knee and gave him a couple of easy spanks, +in fun, and the whole family was laughing, and the spanked boy “tackled” + the Emperor around the legs, below the knee, like a football player, +and the other Princes pulled him off, and the Emperor came up to dad, +smiling as though he was having the time of his life, and spoke to dad +in the purest English, and said he was glad to see the “Bad Boy” man, +because he had read all about the pranks of the Bad Boy, and bid dad +welcome to Germany, and he didn't look sick at all. + +[Illustration: And so this is the champion little devil of America 357] + +Dad was taken all of a heap, and didn't know what to make of the German +Emperor talking English, but when the ruler of Germany turned to me and +said, “And so this is the champion little devil of America,” and patted +me on the head, dad felt that he had struck a friend of the family, +and he sat down with the Emperor and talked for half an hour, while the +young Princes gathered around me, and we sat down on the floor and the +boys got out their knives, and we played mumbletypeg on the carpet, just +as though we were at home, and all the boys talked English, and we had +a bully time. The princes had all read “Peck's Bad Boy” and I think the +Emperor and Empress have encouraged them in their wickedness, for the +boys told me of several tricks they had played on their father, the +Emperor, which they had copied from the Bad Boy, and it made me blush +when they told of initiating their father into the Masons, the way my +chum and I initiated dad into the Masons with the aid of a goat. + +I asked the boys how their dad took it, and told them from what we in +America heard about the Emperor of Germany, we would think he would +kill anybody that played a trick on him; but they said he would stand +anything from the children, and enjoy it; but if grown men attempted +to monkey with him, the fur would fly. The Crown Prince came in and was +introduced to me, and he seemed proud to see me, cause his uncle, Prince +Henry, had told him about being in Milwaukee, and how all the women in +that town were the handsomest he had ever seen in his trip around the +world, and he asked me if it was so. I referred him to dad, and dad +told him the women were the greatest in the world, and then dad made +his usual break. He said: “Look ahere, Mister Prince, you have got to be +married some day, and raise a family to hand the German empire down to, +and my advice to you is not to let them saw off on to you no duchess or +princess as homely as a hedge fence, with no ginger in her blood, but +you skip out to America, and come to Milwaukee, and I will introduce you +to girls that are so handsome they will make you toe the mark, and if +you marry one of them she will raise a family of healthy young royalty +with no humor in the blood, and you won't have to go off and be gay away +from home, cause an American wife will take you by the ear if you +show any signs of wandering from your own fireside, like lots of your +relatives have done.” + +Gee, but that made the Emperor hot, and he said dad needn't instill any +of his American ideas into the German nobility, as he could run +things all right without any help, and dad got ready to go, cause the +atmosphere was getting sort of chilly, but the Emperor soon got over +his huff, and told dad not to hurry, and then he turned to me and said, +“Now, little American Bad Boy, what kind of a trick are you going to +play on me, 'cause from what I have read of you I know you will never +go out of this house without giving me a benefit, and all my boys expect +it, and will enjoy it, the same as I will; now, let 'er go.” + +I felt that it was up to me to do something to maintain the reputation +I had made, so I said, “Your majesty, I will now proceed to make it +interesting for you, if you and the boys will kindly be seated in a +circle around me.” They got into a circle, all laughing, and I took out +of my pistol pocket a half pint flask, of glass, covered with leather, +and with a stopper that opened by touching a spring, and I walked around +in front of each one of the Royal family, mumbling, “Ene-mene-mony-my,” + and opening the flask in front of each one, and pretty soon they all +began to get nervous, and scratch themselves, and the Emperor slapped +his leg, and pinched his arm, and put his fingers down his collar and +scratched his neck, and the Crown Prince jumped up and kicked his leg, +and scratched his back, and said, “Say, kid, you are not hypnotizing +us, are you?” and I said, “Ene-meny-mony-my,” and kept on touching the +stopper. + +By and by they all got to scratching, and the Emperor turned sort of +pale, but he was going to see the show through to the end, as long as +he had a ticket, and he said, “What is the joke, anyway?” and I kept on +saying, “Ene-mene-mony-my,” and walking around in front of them, and dad +began to dance around, too, and dig under his shirt bosom, and scratch +his leg, and then they all scratched in unison, and laughed, and a +little prince asked how long before they would know what it was all +about, and I said my ene-mene, and looked solemn, and dad said, “What +you giving us?” and I said, “Never you mind; this is my show, and I am +the whole push,” and everybody had raised up out of his chair and each +was scratching for all that was out, and finally the Emperor said, “I +like a joke as well as anybody, but I can't laugh until I know what I am +laughing about,” and he told dad to make me show what was in the bottle, +and I showed the bottle and there was nothing in it, and there they +stood scratching themselves, and I told dad we better excuse ourselves +and go, and we were going all right enough when dad said, “What is it +you are doing?” and as we got almost to the door I said, “Your majesty, +I have distributed, impartially, I trust, in the Royal family of +Germany, a half a pint of the hungriest fleas that Egypt can produce, +for they have been in that flask three weeks, with nothing to eat except +themselves, and I estimate that there were a million Cairo fleas in +the flask, enough to set up housekeeping in your palace, with enough to +stock the palace of your Crown Prince when he is married, and this is +that you may remember the visit of Peck's Bad Boy and his Dad.” + +[Illustration: Dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back +364] + +The Emperor was mad at first, but he laughed, and when we got out of the +palace dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back, and said +to me, “Hennery, you never ought to have did it,” and I said, “What +could a poor boy do when called upon suddenly to do something to +entertain royalty?” + +“Well,” says dad, “I don't care for myself, but this thing is apt to +bring on international complications,” and I said, “Yes, it will bring +Persia into it, cause they will have to use Persian insect powder to get +rid of them,” and then we went to our hotel and fought fleas all night, +and thought of the sleepless night the royal family were having. + +Well, so long, old Pummernickel. + +Your only, + +Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels--He and Dad see the Field + of Waterloo and call on King Leopold and Dad and the King go + in for a Swim--The Bad Boy, a Dog and some Goats do the + rest. + +Brussels, Belgium.--Dear Old Skate: “What is the matter with our going +to Belgium?” said dad to me, as we were escaping from Germany. “Well, +what in thunder do we want to go to Belgium for?” said I to dad. “I do +not want to go to a country that has no visible means of support, except +raising Belgian hares, to sell to cranks in America. I couldn't eat +rabbits without thinking I was chewing a piece of house cat, and rabbits +is the chief food of the people. I have eaten horse and mule in Paris, +and wormy figs in Turkey, and embalmed beef fried in candle grease +in Russia, and sausage in Germany, imported from the Leutgart sausage +factory in Chicago, where the man run his wife through a sausage +machine; and stuff in Egypt, with ground mummy for curry powder, but I +draw the line on Belgian hares, and I strike right here, and shall have +the International Union of Amalgamated Tourists declare a boycott on +Belgium, by gosh,” said I, just like that, bristling up to dad real +spunky. + +“You are going to Belgium all right,” said dad, as he took hold of my +thumb in a Jiu Jitsu fashion, and twisted it backwards until I fairly +penuked, and held it, while he said he should never dare go home without +visiting King Leopold's kingdom, and had a talk with an eighty-year-old +male flirt, who had a thousand chorus girls on his staff, and could give +the Sultan of Turkey cards and spades and little casino in the harem +game. “You will go along, won't you, bub?” and he gave my thumb another +twist, and I said, “You bet your life, but I won't do a thing to you and +Leopold before we get out of the Belgian hare belt,” and so here we are, +looking for trouble. + +It is strange we never hear more about Belgium in America, but actually +I never heard of a Belgian settling in the United States. There are +Irish, and Germans, and Norwegians, and Italians, and men of all other +countries, but I never saw a Belgian until to-day, and it does you good +to see a people who don't do anything but work. There is not a loafer +in Belgium, and every man has smut on his nose, and his hands are black +with handling iron, or something. There is no law against people going +away from Belgium, but they all like it here, and seem to think there is +no other country, and they are happy, and work from choice. + +“Began to sell dad relics of the Battle of Waterloo.” + +I always knew the Belgian guns that sell in America for twelve +shillings, and kill at both ends, but I never knew they made things here +that were worth anything, but dad says they are better fixed here for +making everything used by civilized people than any country on earth, +and I am glad to be here, cause you get notice when you are going to be +robbed. They ring a bell here every minute to give you notice that some +one is after the coin, so when you hear a bell ring, if you hang onto +your pocketbook, you don't lose. + +This is the place where “There was a sound of revelry at night, and +Belgium's capitol had gathered there.” You remember, the night before +the Battle of Waterloo, when Napoleon Bonaparte got his. You must +remember about it, old man, just when they were right in the midst of +the dance, and “soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again,” and +they were taking a champagne bath, inside and out, when suddenly the +opening guns of Waterloo, twelve miles away, began to boom, and the +poet, who was present, said, “But hush, hark, a deep sound like a rising +knell,” and everybody turned pale and began to stampede, when the floor +manager said, “'Tis but the wind, or the car on the stony street, on +with the dance, let joy be unconfined, no sleep till morn, when youth and +pleasure meet, to chase the glowing hours with flying feet.” + +Well, sir, this is the place where that ball took place, which is +described in the piece I used to speak in school, but I never thought +I would be here, right where the dancers got it in the neck. When dad +found that the battlefield of Waterloo was only a few miles away, he +hired a wagon and we went out there. Well, sir, of all the frauds we +have run across on this trip the battlefield of Waterloo is the +worst. When the farmers who are raising barley and baled hay on the +battlefield, saw us coming, they dropped their work and made a rush for +us, and one fellow yelled something in the Belgian language that sounded +like, “I saw them first,” and he got hold of dad and me, and the rest +stood off like a lot of hack drivers that have seen a customer fall into +the hands of another driver, and made up faces at us, and called the +farmer who had caught us the vilest names. They said we would be skinned +to a finish by the faker who got us, and they were right. + +[Illustration: 368 began to sell things to dad] + +He showed us from a high hill, where the different portions of the +battle were fought, and where they caught Napoleon Bonaparte, and where +Blucher came up and made things hum in the German language, and then +he took us off to his farm where the most of the relics were found, and +began to sell things to dad, until he had filled the hind end of the +wagon with bullets and grape-shot, sabres and bayonets, old rusty +rifles, and everything dad wanted, and we had enough to fill a museum, +and when the farmer had got dad's money we went back to Brussels, and +got our stuff unloaded at the hotel. Say, when we came to look it over +we found two rusty Colt's revolvers, and guns of modern construction, +which have been bought on battlefields in all countries, and properly +rusted to sell to tourists. I showed dad that the revolver was unknown +at the time of the battle of Waterloo, and that every article he had +bought was a fraud, the sabers having been made in America, before the +war of the rebellion, and dad was mad, and gave the stuff to the porter +of the hotel, who charged dad seven dollars for taking it away. + +Dad kept one three-cornered hat that the farmer told him Bonaparte lost +when his horse stampeded with him, and it drifted under a barbed +wire fence, where it had lain until the day before we visited the +battlefield. Say, that hat is as good as new, and dad says it is worth +all the stuff cost, but I would not be found dead wearing it, cause it +is all out of style. + +We have seen the King of Belgium, and actually got the worth of our +money. He is an old dandy, and looks like a Philadelphia Quaker, only +he is not as pious as a Quaker. Dad wrote to the King and said he was +a distinguished American, traveling for his health, and had a niece who +had frequently visited Belgium with an opera company, and she had +spoken of the King, and dad wanted to talk over matters that might be of +interest both to Belgium and to America. Well, the messenger came back +and said dad couldn't get to the palace a minute too quick, and so we +went over, and as we were going through the park we saw an old man, in +citizen's clothes, sitting on a bench, patting the head of a boar hound, +and when he saw us he said, “Come here, Uncle Sam, and let my dog chew +your pants.” Dad thought it must be some lunatic, and was going to make +a sneak, and get out, when the man rose up and we saw it was the King, +and we went up to him and sat down on the bench, and he asked dad if he +had come as the relative of the opera singer, to commence suit against +the King for breach of promise, or to settle for a money consideration, +remarking that he had always rather pay cash than to have any fuss made +about these little matters. Dad told him he had no claim against him for +alienating anybody's affections, or for breach of promise, and that all +he wanted was to have a little talk with the King, and find out how a +King lived, and how he had any fun in running the king business, at his +age, and they sat down and began to talk as friendly as two old chums, +while the dog played tag with me. We found that the King was a regular +boy, and that instead of his mind being occupied by affairs of state, +or his African concessions in the Congo country, where he owns a few +million slaves who steal ivory for him, and murder other tribes, he was +enjoying life just as he did when he was a barefooted boy, fishing for +perch at the old mill pond, and when he mentioned his career as a boy, +and his enjoyments, dad told about his youth, and how he never got so +much pleasure in after life as he did when he had a stone bruise on his +heel, and went off into the woods and cut a tamarack pole and caught +sunfish till the cows came home. + +The King brightened up and told dad he had a pond in the palace grounds, +stocked with old-fashioned fish, and every day he took off his shoes and +rolled up his pants, and with nothing on but a shirt and pants held +up by one suspender of striped bed ticking, he went out in a boat and +fished as he did when a boy, with a bent pin for a hook, and he was +never so happy as when so engaged, and they could all have their grand +functions, and balls, and dinners, and Turkish baths, if they wanted +them, but give him the old swimming hole. “Me, too,” said dad, and as +dad looked down into the park he saw a little lake, and dad held up two +fingers, just as boys do when they mean to say, “Come on, let's go in +swimming,” and the King said, “I'll go you,” and they locked arms +and started through the woods to the little lake, and the dog and I +followed. + +[Illustration: Dad and Leopold make a rush for that swimming place 372] + +Well, sir, you'd a dide to see dad and Leopold make a rush for that +swimming place. The King put his hand in the water, and said it was +fine, and began to peel his clothes off, and dad took off his clothes +and the King made a jump and went in all over, and came up with his eyes +full of water, strangling because he did not hold his nose, and then dad +made a leap and splashed the water like an elephant had fallen in, and +there those two old men were in the lake, just like kids. + +[Illustration: I'll swim you a match to the other side 378] + +“I'll swim you a match to the other side,” said the King. “It's a go,” + said dad, and they started porpoising across the little lake, and then +I thought it was time there was something doing; so I got busy and tied +their clothes in knots so tight you couldn't get them untied without an +act of parliament. They went ashore on the opposite side of the lake, +cause some women were driving through the grounds, and then I found +a flock of goats grazing on the lawn, and the dog and I drove them to +where the clothes were tied in knots, and when the goats began to chew +the clothes I took the dog and went back to the entrance of the park, +and dad and the King swam back to where the clothes and the goats were, +and when they drove the goats away, and couldn't untie the knots, the +King gave the grand hailing sign of distress, or something, and the +guards of the palace and some cavalry came on the run, and the park +seemed filled with an army, and I bid the dog good-bye, and went back to +the hotel alone and waited for dad. + +[Illustration: When the goats began to chew the clothes 375] + +Dad didn't get back till after dark, and when he came he had on a suit +of the King's clothes, too tight around the stomach, and too long in the +legs, cause dad is pusey, and the King is long-geared. “Did you have a +good time, dad?” says I, and he said, “Haven't you got any respect for +age, condemn you? The King has ordered that you be fed to the animals in +the zoo.” I told him I didn't care a darn what they did with me; I had +been brought up to tie knots in clothes when I saw people in swimming, +and I didn't care whether they were crowned heads or just plain dubs, +and I asked dad how they got along when their clothes were chewed up. He +said the soldiers covered them with pouches and got them to the palace, +and they had supper, he and the King, and the servants brought out a lot +of clothes and he got the best fit he could. I asked him if the King was +actually mad, and he said no, that he always enjoyed such things, +and wanted dad and I to come the next day and go fishing with him, +barefooted. Say, dad can go, but I wouldn't be caught by that King on a +bet. He would get even, sure, cause he has a look in his eye like they +have in a sanitarium. Not any king business for your little Hennery. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter about Holland and Cuba--Dad and + the Boy go for a Drive in a Dogcart--They have a Great Time-- + Land in Cuba and See the Island t we Fought for. + +Havana, Cuba. My Dear Old Greaser: We stopped in Holland for a couple of +days after we left Belgium, and it was the most disappointing country +we visited on our whole trip. We expected to be walked on with wooden +shoes, and from what we had heard of that Duke that married Queen +Wilhelmina, we thought we were going to a country where men were cruel +to their wives, and swatted them over the head when things didn't go +right, but when we saw the queen riding with her husband, as free, from +ostentation as a department store clerk would ride out with his cash +girl wife, and saw happiness beaming on the face of the queen and her +husband, and saw them squeeze hands and look lovingly into each other's +eyes, we made up our minds that you couldn't believe these newspaper +scandals. And when we saw the broad-shouldered, broad-chested and +broad-everywhere women of Holland we concluded that it would be a brave +or reckless husband who would be unkind to one of them, and mighty +dangerous because the women are stronger than the men, and any woman +could whip four men at the drop of the hat, because she could take off +her wooden shoes and strike out and a man would think he had been hit by +a railroad tie. + +Illustration: Any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat 388 + +I do not know what makes Hollanders wear wooden shoes, unless they are +sentenced to do it, or that they are unruly, and have to be hobbled, +to keep them from jumping fences, but the people are so good and honest +that after you have met them you forget the vaudeville feature of their +costumes, and love them, and wish the people of other countries were as +honest as they. For two or three days we were not robbed, and I do not +believe there is a dishonest man or woman in Holland, except one. There +was one woman that played it on dad in Amsterdam, but I think she only +played him for a sucker for a joke, for she laughed all the time. + +Dad was much struck at seeing the women selling milk from little carts, +hauled by teams of big dogs, and he negotiated with a woman for a dog +team and cart, and all one day dad and I put on wooden shoes, and Dutch +clothes and drove the dog team around town, and we had the time of +our lives, more fun than I ever had outside of a circus, but the shoes +skinned our feet, and when the dogs laid down to rest, and dad couldn't +talk dog language to make them get up and go ahead, he kicked the off +dog with his wooden shoe, and the dog got up and grabbed a mouthful of +dad's ample pants and shook dad till his teeth were loose. + +[Illustration: Grabbed a mouthful of dad's ample pants 386] + +A woman driving another mess of dogs had to come and choke the off dog +so he wouldn't swallow dad, pants and all. Dad gave her a dollar for +rescuing him, and what do you think? Say, she pulled an old stocking of +money out of her bosom and counted out ninety-six cents in change and +gave it back to dad, and only charged four cents for saving his life, +and that couldn't occur in any other country, cause in most places they +would take the dollar and strike him for more. + +Dad wanted to take the dog team and cart to Milwaukee to give it to a +friend who sells red hot weiners, and so we arranged to have the team +loaded on the boat, but just before the boat sailed, the dog team was +lying down on the dock, sleeping and scratching flees, when the woman +dad bought the team of came along and spoke to the dogs in Dutch, and, +say, those dogs woke up and started on a regular runaway down the dock, +after the laughing woman, and disappeared up the street. Just as the +boat whistled to pull in the gang planks, dad and I stood on deck and +saw the team disappear, and dad said, “Buncoed again, by gosh, and it is +all your condemned fault. Why didn't you hang on to that off dog.” Well, +we lost our dog team, but we got the worth of our money, for we saw a +people who do not eat much beside cabbage and milk, and they are the +strongest in the world, and there never was a case of dyspepsia in their +country. We saw a people with stone bruises on their heels and corns on +their toes, smiling and laughing all the time. We met a people that work +all the time, and never take any recreation except churning and rocking +babies, and yet never have to call a doctor, because there are no +doctors except veterinary surgeons, who care for dogs and cattle. + +The people we met in Holland wear wooden shoes to teach them patience +and humility. With wooden shoes no frenzied financier of Holland will +ever travel the fast road of speculation, slip on a bucket-shop banana +peel, and fall on the innocent bystander who has coughed up his savings +and given them to the honest financier to safely invest. + +The bank of Holland is an old woolen stock ing, and money never comes +out of the stocking unless there is a string to it, and the string is +the heart string of an honest people, that will stand no trifling. If a +dishonest financier came to Holland from any other country, and did any +of his dirty work, the women of Holland, who handle the funds, would +give him such a hazing that he would never open his three-card monte +lay-out in any other country. + +It is a country where you get the right change back, and the cows give +eighteen carat milk, and the hens have not learned to lay small, cold +storage eggs. It is the country for me, if the women would wear corsets, +and not be the same size all the way down, so that if you hugged a girl +you wouldn't make a dent in her, that would not come out until she got +her breath. + +And we left such a country and such a people, to come here to Cuba, +where the population now comprises the meanest features of the desperate +and wicked Spaniards, beaten at their own game of loot, the trickiness +of the native Cuban, flushed with pride because his big American brother +helped him to drive away the Spaniard that he could never have gotten +rid of alone, and with no respect for the American who helped, and only +meets him respectfully because he is afraid of being thrown into the +ocean if he is impudent, and the worst class of Yankee grafters and +highway robbers that have ever been allowed to stray away from the land +of the free. That is what Cuba is to-day. + +Soulless Yankee corporations have got hold of most of the branches of +business that there is any money in, and the things that do not pay and +never can be made to pay, are for sale to tenderfeet. The cuban hates +the Yankee, the Yankee hates the Cuban, and the Spaniard hates both, and +both hate him. In Havana your hotel, owned by a Cuban, run by a Yankee, +with a Spanish or Portuguese cashier, will take all the money you bring +into it for a bed at night, and hold your baggage till your can cable +for money to buy breakfast. It is a “free country,” of course, run by +men who will fly high as long as they can borrow money for some one else +to pay after they are dead, but within ten years the taxes will eat the +people so they will be head over heels in debt to the Yankee and the +Spaniard, the German and the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Italian, +and some day warships will sail into Havana harbor, over the submerged +bones of the “Maine,” and there will be a fight for juicy morsels of the +Cuban dead horse, by the congregated buzzards of strange navies, unless +they shall shake the dice for the carcass, and by carefully loading the +dice saw the whole thing off on to Uncle Sam, and make him pay the debts +of the deceased republic, and act as administrator for the benefit of +the children of the sawed off republic, whose only asset now is climate +that feels good, but contains germs of all diseases, and tobacco that +smells good when it is in conflagration under your nose, and does not +kill instantly if it is pasted up in a Wisconsin wrapper, that is the +pure goods. If tobacco ever ceases to be a fad with the rich consumer +of fifty-cent cigars, and beet sugar is found to contain no first aid +to Bright's disease, Cuba will amount to about as much as Dry Tortugas, +which has purer air, and the Isle of Pines, which has more tropical +scenery and less yellow fever. But now the Island of Cuba is a joy, and +Havana is like Heaven, until you come to pay your bill, when it is hell. +Streets so wide you cannot see a creditor on the other side, pavements +as smooth as the road to perdition, and tropical trees, plants and +flowers, with birds of rare plumage, you feel like sitting on a cold +bench in the shade, and wishing all your friends were here to enjoy a +taste of what will come to those who are truly good, in the hereafter, +when suddenly you are taken with a chill up the spinal column, and a +cold sweat comes out on the forehead, and the internal arrangements go +on a strike because of the cold, perspiring cucumber you had for lunch, +and you go to the doctor, who does not do a thing to you, but scare you +out of your boots by talking of cholera, and giving you the card of +his partner, the undertaker, telling you never to think of dying in a +tropical country without being embalmed, because you look so much better +when you are delivered at your home by the express company, and then he +gives you pills and a bill, and an alarm clock that goes off every hour +to take a pill by, and furnishes you an officer to go home to your hotel +with you to collect his bill, and you pawn your watch and sleeve buttons +for a steerage ticket to New York, where you arrive as soon as the Lord +will let you, and stay as long as He thinks is good for you. + +Dad has not been much good in Havana, cause he wanted to see the whole +business in one day. He got a row boat and went out in the harbor to +where the back-bone of the “Maine” acts as a monument to the fellows who +yet sleep in the mud of the bottom, and after tying a little American +flag on the rigging that sticks up above the water, and damning the +villains who blew up the good ship, we went back to town and drove out +to the cemetery where several hundred of our boys are buried, where we +left flowers on the graves and a cuss in the balmy air for the guilty +wretches who fired the bomb, and then we went back to the city and +walked the beautiful streets, until dad began to have cramps, from +trying to eat all the fruit he could hold, and then it was all off, and +I was going to call a carriage to take him to the hotel, when dad saw a +negro astride a single ox, hitched to a cart, who had come in from the +country, and dad said he wanted to ride in that cart, if it was the last +act of his life, and as dad was beginning to swell up from the fruit he +had eaten, I thought he better ride in an open cart, cause in a carriage +he might swell up so we couldn't get him out of the door when we got to +the hotel, so I hired the negro, got dad in the cart, and we started, +but the ox walked so slow I was afraid we would never get dad there +alive, so I told the negro dad had the cholera, and that settled, for +he kicked the slats of the ox in with his heels, and the ox bellowed and +run away, and the negro turned pale from fright, and I guess the runaway +ride on the cobble stone pavement was what saved dad's life, for the +swelling in dad's inside began to go down, and when we got to the hotel +he got out of the cart alone, and I knew he was better, for he shook +himself, gulluped up wind, and said, “You think you are smart, don't +you?” So I will close. + +Yours, + +Hennery. + +[Illustration: The ox bellowed and run away 382] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. 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