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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Peck's Bad Boy Abroad
+       Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad
+       in Their Journeys Through Foreign Lands - 1904
+
+Author: George W. Peck
+
+Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25489]
+Last Updated: October 5, 2016
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD
+
+By Hon. Geo. W. Peck
+
+Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad in Their
+Journeys Through Foreign Lands, Their Visits to Crowned Heads, the
+Manners and Customs of the People, and the Bad Boy's Never Ending
+Efforts to Provide Fun No Matter Where He Is.
+
+Profusely Illustrated by D. S. Groesbeck And R. W. Taylor
+
+THOMPSON & THOMAS - 1904
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Groceryman After Being Away at
+School--The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels--The Bad Boy Labels the
+Old Man's Suit Case--How the Cowboys Made Him Dance Once
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to Washington--He
+and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt--The Bad Boy Meets One of the
+Children and They Disagree
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon--Dad Weeps at the Grave of
+the Father of Our Country
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria--The Bad Boy
+Orders Dinner--The Old Man Gets Stuck--Tries to Rescue a Countess in
+Distress
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages--His Dad Has
+an Argument Over a Steamer Chair.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog--Call on Astor--A Dynamite Outrage
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the White-chapel
+District--He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower of London
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost Settle the Irish
+Question
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen--¦ They Get a Taste
+of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story of the Picklemaker's
+Daughter
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes About Paris--Tells About the Trip Across the English
+Channel--Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris--Dad Poses as a Mormon Bishop
+and Has to Be Rescued--They Climb the Eiffel Tower and the Old Man Gets
+Converted
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to Break the
+Bank, But They Go Broke--The Party in Trouble
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride--They Run Over a
+Peasant--Climb “Glaziers”--Dad Falls Over a Precipice, But Is Rescued by
+the Guides After a Hard Time of It
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist--They Give Alms to the Beggars and the Bad
+Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand Canal
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes from Naples--Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls the Servants
+to Put Out the Fire--They Have Trouble with a “Dago” in Pompeii
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius--A Chicago Lady Joins the Party
+and Causes Trouble
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children--Dad is Chased by
+Lions from the Coliseum--” Not Any More Rome for Papa,” says Dad
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope--They Bow to, the King of Italy
+and His Nine Spots--Dad Finds That “The Catacombs” Is Not a Comic Opera
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble They Had to
+Get There--Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with the People and Soldiers
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints--'The Bad Boy Arranges a Wolf
+Hunt--Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the Wolves
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople--They Find the Turks
+Sensitive on the Dog Question--A College Yell for the Sultan Sends Him
+Into a Fit
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem--“Little Egypt” Does
+a Dancing Stunt--The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty Wives to the President
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo--At the Hotel They Meet Some
+Egyptian Princesses--Dad Rides a Camel to the Pyramids and Meets with
+Difficulties
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids--The Bad Boy Lights a Cannon
+Cracker in Rameses' Tomb--They Flee from Egypt in Disguise
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar--The Irish-English Army--How He Would
+Take the Fortress--Dad Wants to Buy the “Rock”
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes of Spain--They call On the King and the Bad Boy Is At
+It Once More--They See a Bull Fight and Dad Does a Turn
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin--They Call On Emperor William and His
+Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them All
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels--He and Dad See the Field of Waterloo
+and Call on King Leopold, and Dad and the King Go in for a Swim--The Bad
+Boy, a Dog and Some Goats Do the Rest
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter About Holland and Cuba--Dad and the Boy Go
+for a Drive in a Dog-Cart--They Have a Great Time--Land in Cuba and See
+the Island We Fought For
+
+
+
+
+
+PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Grocery-man After
+     Being Away at School--The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way.
+
+The bad boy had been away to school, but the illness of his father had
+called him home, and for some weeks he had been looking about the old
+town. He had found few of his old friends. His father had recovered
+somewhat from his illness, and one day he met his old chum, a boy of his
+own age. The bad boy and the chum got busy at once, talking over the
+old times that tried the souls of the neighbors and finally the bad boy
+asked about the old groceryman, and found that the old man still held
+out at the old stand, with the same old stock of groceries, and they
+decided to call upon him, and surprise him. So after it began to be
+dark they entered the store, and found the old groceryman sitting on a
+cracker box by the stove, stroking the back of an old maltese cat that
+had a yellow streak on the back, where it had been singed by crawling
+under the red-hot stove. As the boys entered the store the cat raised
+its back, its tail became as large as a rolling pin, and the cat began
+to spit, while the old groceryman held up both hands and said:
+
+[Illustration: Don't shoot, Please 019]
+
+“Don't shoot, please, but one of you go behind the counter and take
+what there is in the cash drawer, while the other one can reach into my
+pistol pocket and release my pocketbook. This is the fifth time I have
+been held up this year, and I have got so if I am not held up about so
+often I can't sleep nights.”
+
+“O, put down your hands and straighten out that cat's back,” said the
+bad boy, as he slapped the old groceryman on the back so hard his spine
+cracked like a frozen sidewalk. “Don't you know us, you old geezer? We
+are the only and original Peck's Bad Boy and his Chum, come to life, and
+ready for business,” and the two boys danced a jig on the floor, covered
+an inch thick with the spilled sugar of years ago, the molasses that had
+strayed from barrel, and the general refuse of the dirty place, which
+had become as hard as asphalt.
+
+“O, dear, it is worse than I thought,” said the old groceryman as he
+laughed a hysterical laugh through the long whiskers, and he hugged the
+boys as though he had a liking for them, notwithstanding the suffering
+they had caused him. “By gosh, I thought you were nothing but common
+robbers, who just wanted my money. You are old friends, and can have the
+whole place,” and he poured some milk into a basin for the cat, but the
+animal only looked at the two boys as though she knew them, and watched
+them to see what was coming next.
+
+The bad boy looked around the old grocery, which had not changed a
+particle during the time he had been away, the same old box of petrified
+prunes, the dried apples that could not be cut with a hatchet, the
+canned stuff on the shelves had become so old that the labels had curled
+up and fallen off, so it must have been a guess with the old groceryman
+whether he was selling a can of peas or tomatoes, and the old fellow
+standing there as though the world had gone off and left him, as his
+customers had.
+
+“Well, wouldn't this skin you,” said the bad boy, as he took up a
+dried prune and tried to crack it with a hatchet on a two-pound weight,
+turning to his chum who was stroking the singed hair of the old cat the
+wrong way. “Say, old man, you ought to get a hustle on you. Why don't
+you clean out this shebang, and put in a new stock, of goods, and have
+clerks with white aprons on, and a girl bookkeeper, and goods that
+people will buy and eat and not get sick? There is a grocery down street
+that is as clean as a whistle, and I notice all your old customers go
+there. Why don't you keep up with the times?”
+
+“O, I ain't running a dude place,” said the old man, as he took a piece
+of soft coal and put it in the old round stove, and wiped the black off
+his hands on his trousers. “I am trying to get rid of my customers. I
+have got money enough to live on, and I just stay here waiting for the
+old cat to die. I have only got six customers left, and one of them has
+got pneumonia, and is going to die, then there will be only five. When
+they are all gone I shall sit here by the stove until the end comes.
+There is nothing doing now to keep me awake, since you boys quit getting
+me mad. Say, boys, do you know, I haven't been real mad since you quit
+coming here. The only fun I have had is swearing at my customers when
+they stick up their noses at my groceries. It's the funniest thing, when
+I tell an old customer that if they don't like my goods they can go plum
+to thunder, they get mad and go somewhere else to trade. Times must be
+changing. Years ago, the more I abused customers the more they liked it,
+and I just charged the goods to them with a pencil on a piece of brown
+wrapping paper. I had four cracker boxes full of brown wrapping paper
+with things charged on the paper against customers, but when anybody
+wanted to pay their account it made my head ache to find it, and so one
+day I balanced my books by using the brown wrapping paper to kindle the
+fire. If you ever want to get even with the world, easy, just pour a
+little kerosene on your accounts, and put them in the stove. I have
+never been so free from worry as I have since I balanced my books
+in the stove. Well, I suppose you have come home on account of your
+dad's sickness,” said the old groceryman, turning to the bad boy,
+who had written a sign, 'The Morgue,' and pinned it on the window. “I
+understand your dad had an operation performed on him in a hospital.
+What did the doctors take out of him?”
+
+“Dad had an operation all right,” said the bad boy, “but he is not as
+much interested in what they took out of him, as what he thinks they
+left in. They said they removed his appendix, and I guess they did, for
+dad showed me the bill the doctors rendered. The bill was big enough so
+they might have taken out a whole lot more. If I had been home I would
+never have let him be cut into, but ma insisted that he must have an
+operation. She said all the men on our street, and all that moved in our
+set, had had operations, and she was ashamed to go out in society and
+be forced to admit that dad never had an operation, She told dad that
+he could afford it better than half the people that had operations, and
+that a scar criss-cross on the stomach was a badge of honor. He never
+got a scar in the army, and she simply would not be able to look people
+in the face unless dad was operated on. Dad always was subject to
+stomach ache, but until appendicitis became fashionable he had always
+taken a mess of pills, and come out all right, but ma diagnosed the case
+the last time he was doubled up like a jack-knife, and dad was hustled
+off to the hospital, and they didn't do a thing to him.
+
+“He told me about it since I came home, and now he lays the whole thing
+to ma, and I have to stand between them. He is going to get even with
+ma, though. The first time she complains of anything going on inside
+of her works, he is going to send her right to a hospital and have the
+doctors do their worst. Dad said to me, says he:
+
+“'Hennery, if you ever feel anything like a caucus being held inside
+you, don't you ever go to a hospital, but just swallow a stick of
+dynamite and light the fuse, then there won't be anything left inside to
+bother you afterwards. When I got to the hospital they stripped me for
+a prize fight, put me on a table made of glass, and rolled me into the
+operating room, gave me chloroform and when they thought I was all in,
+they took an axe and chopped me. I could feel every blow, and it is a
+wonder they left enough of your old dad for you to hug when you came
+home.'
+
+“Say, it is kind of pitiful to hear dad talk about the things they left
+in him.”
+
+“What things does he think they left in him,” asked the old groceryman,
+as he looked frightened, and felt of his stomach, as though he
+mistrusted there might be something wrong with him, too.
+
+“O, dad has been reading in the papers about doctors that perform
+operations leaving sponges, forceps, and things inside of patients, when
+they close up the place, and since dad has got pretty fussy since his
+operation he thinks they left something in him. Some days he thinks they
+left a roll of cotton batting, or a pillow, or a bale of hay, but when
+there is a sharp pain inside he thinks they left a carving knife, but
+for a week he has settled down to the belief that the doctors left a
+monkey wrench in him, and he is just daffy on that subject. Says he can
+feel it turning around, as though it was miscrewing machinery, and
+he wants to consult a new doctor every day as to what he can take to
+dissolve a monkey wrench, so it will pass off through the blood and
+pores of the skin. He has taken it into his head that nothing will save
+his life except to travel all over the country, and the world. I am to
+go with him to look after him.”
+
+[Illustration: Doctors left a monkey wrench in him 025]
+
+“By ginger, it's great! Just think of it. Traveling all over the world
+and nothing to do but nurse my old dad who thinks he is filled with
+hardware and carpenter's tools. Gee! but I wish you could go,” said
+the bad boy, as he put him arm around his chum. “Maybe we wouldn't
+make these foreigners sit up and take an interest in something besides
+Royalty and Riots.”
+
+“Well,” said the groceryman, “they will have my sympathy with you alone
+over there.”
+
+“But before you start on the road with your monkey-wrench show, you come
+in here and let me put up a package of those prunes to take along. They
+will keep in any climate, and there is nothing better for iron in the
+blood, such as your dad has, than prunes. Call again, bub, and we will
+arrange for you to write to your chum from all the places you go with
+your dad, and he can come in here and read the letters to me and the
+cat.”
+
+“All right, old Father Time,” said the bad boy, as he drew a mug of
+cider out of the vinegar barrel, and took a swallow. “But what you want
+to do is to get a road scraper and drive a team through this grocery,
+and clean the floor,” and the boys went out just ahead of the old man's
+arctic overshoes, as he kicked at them, and then he went back and sat
+down by the stove and stroked the cat, which had got its back down
+level again, after its old enemies had gone down the street, throwing
+snowballs at the driver of a hearse.
+
+[Illustration: Went out just ahead of the old man's arctic overshoes
+027]
+
+“It is a solemn occupation to drive a hearse,” said the bad boy.
+
+“Not so solemn as riding inside,” said the chum.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels--The Bad Boy
+     Labels the Old Man's Suit Case--How the Cowboys Made Him
+     Dance Once.
+
+The old groceryman was in front of the grocery, bent oyer a box of
+rutabagas, turning the decayed sides down to make the possible customer
+think all was not as bad as it might be, when a shrill whistle down the
+street attracted his attention. He looked in the direction from which it
+came, and saw the bad boy coming with a suit case in one hand and a sole
+leather hat box in the other, and the old man went in the store to say
+a silent prayer, and to lay a hatchet and an ax handle where he could
+reach them if the worst came.
+
+“Well, you want to get a good look at me now,” said the bad boy, as he
+dropped the valise on the floor, and put the hat box on the counter,
+“for it will be months and maybe years, before you see me again.”
+
+“Oh, joy!” said the old groceryman, as he heaved a sigh, and tried to
+look sorry. “What is it, reform school, or have the police ordered you
+out of town? I have felt it coming for a long time. This is the only
+town you could have plied your vocation so long in and not been pulled.
+Where are you going with the dude suit case and the hat box?”
+
+“Oh, dad has got a whole mess more diseases, and the doctors had a
+conversation over him Sunday, and they say he has got to go away again,
+right now, and that a sea voyage will brace him up and empty him out so
+medicine over in Europe can get in its work and strengthen him so he can
+start back after a while and probably die on the way home, and be buried
+at sea. Dad says he will go, for he had rather die at sea than on land,
+'cause they don't have to have any trouble about a funeral, 'cause all
+they do is to sew a man up in a piece of cloth, tie a sack of coal to
+his feet, slide him off a board, and he goes kerplunk down into the salt
+water about a mile, and stands there on his feet and makes the whales
+and sharks think he is a new kind of fish.”
+
+“Gee! but that is a programme that appeals to me as sort of uncanny,”
+ said the old man. “Is your dad despondent over the outlook? What new
+disease has he got?”
+
+[Illustration: Pasted a tomato can label on the suitcase 31]
+
+“All of 'em,” said the boy, as he took a label off a tomato can and
+pasted it on the end of the suit case. “You take an almanac and read
+about all the diseases that the medicine advertised in the almanac
+cures, and dad has got the whole lot of them, nervous prostration,
+rheumatism, liver trouble, stomach busted, lungs congested, diaphragm
+turned over, heart disease, bronchitis, corns, bunions, every darn thing
+a man can catch without costing him anything. But he is not despondent.
+He just thinks it is an evidence of genius, and a certificate of
+standing in society and wealth. He argues that the poor people who have
+only one disease are not in it with statesmen and scholars. Oh, he is
+all right. He thinks if he goes to Europe all knocked out, he will class
+with emperors and dukes. Oh, since he had that operation and had his
+appendix chopped out, he thinks there is a bond of sympathy between him
+and King Edward that will cause him to be invited to be the guest of
+royalty. He is just daffy,” and the bad boy took a sapolio label out of
+a box and pasted it on the other end of the valise.
+
+“What in thunder and lightning are you pasting those labels on your
+valise for?” said the old man, as the boy reached for a Quaker oats
+label and a soap advertisement and pasted them on.
+
+“Oh, dad said he wished he had some foreign labels of hotels and things
+on his valise, to make fellow travelers believe he had been abroad
+before, and I told him I could fix it all right. You see, if I paste
+things all over the valise he will think it is all right, 'cause he
+is near sighted,” and the boy pasted on a label for 37 varieties of
+pickles, and then put on an advertisement for hair restorer on the hat
+box.
+
+“Say, here's a fine one, this malted milk label, with a New Jersey cow
+on the corner,” said the old man, as he began to take interest in the
+boy's talent as an artist. “And here, try one of these green pea can
+labels, and the pork and beans legend, and the only soap. Say, if you
+and your dad don't create a sensation from the minute you take the train
+till you get back, you can take it out of my wages. When are you going?”
+
+“To-morrow night,” said the boy, as he put more labels on the hat box,
+and stood off and looked at them with the eye of an artist. “We go to
+New York first to stay a few days and see things, and then we take a
+steamer and sail away, and the sicker dad is the more time I will have
+to fill up on useful nollig.”
+
+“Hennery,” said the old groceryman, as his chin trembled, and a tear
+came to his eye. “I want to ask you a favor. At times, when you have
+been unusually mean, I have thought I hated you, but when I have said
+something ugly to you, and have laid awake all night regretting it, it
+has occurred to me that you were about the best friend I had. I think it
+makes an old man forget his years, to be chummy with a live boy, full of
+ginger, and I do like you, condemn you, and I can't help it. Now I want
+you to write me every little while, on your trip, and I will read your
+letters to the customers here in the store, who will be lonely until
+they can hear that you are dead. The neighbors will come in to read your
+letters, and it will bring me custom. Will you write to me, boy, and
+pour out your heart to me, and tell me of the different troubles you get
+your dad into, for surely you cannot help finding trouble over there if
+you go hunting for it. Promise me, boy.”
+
+“You bet your life I will, old pard,” said the bad boy. “I shall have to
+have some escape valve to keep from busting. I was going to write to
+my chum, but he is in love with a telephone girl, and he don't take any
+time for pleasure. I will write you about every dutch and duchess we
+meet, every prince and pauper, and everything. You watch my smoke, and
+you will think there is a train afire. I hope dad will try and restrain
+himself from wanting to fight everybody that belongs to any country but
+America. He has bought one one these little silk American flags to wear
+in his button hole, and he swears if anybody looks cross-eyed at that
+flag he will simply cut his liver out, and toast it on a fork, and eat
+it. He makes me tired, and I know there is going to be trouble.”
+
+“Don't you think your dad's mind sort of wanders?” said the old
+groceryman, in a whisper, “It wouldn't be strange, after all he has gone
+through, in raising you up to your present size, if he was a little off
+his base.”
+
+“Well, ma thinks he is bug-house, and the hired girl is willing to go
+into court and swear to it, and that experience we had coming home from
+the Yellowstone park some time ago, made me think if he was not crazy he
+would be before long, You see, we had a hot box on the engine, and had
+to stay at a station in the bad lands for an hour, and there were a mess
+of cow boys on the platform, and I told dad we might as well have some
+amusement while we were there, and that a brake-man told me the cow boys
+were great dancers, but you couldn't hire them to dance, but if some man
+with a strong personality would demand that they dance, and put his hand
+on his pistol pocket they would all jump in and dance for an hour. That
+was enough for dad, for he has a microbe that he is a man of strong
+personality, and that when he demands that anybody do something they
+simply got to do it, so he walked up and down the platform a couple of
+times to get his draw poker face on, and I went up to one of the cow
+boys and told him that the old duffer used to be a ballet dancer, and he
+thought everybody ought to dance when they were told to, and that if the
+spell should come on him, and he should order them to dance, it would be
+a great favor to me if they would just give him a double shuffle or two,
+just to ease his mind.
+
+“Well, pretty soon he came along to where the cowboys were leaning
+against the railing, and, looking at them in a haughty manner, he said:
+'Dance, you kiotes, dance,' and he put his hand to his pistol pocket.
+Well, sir, I never saw so much fun in my life. Four of the cow boys
+pulled revolvers and began to shoot regular bullets into the platform
+within an inch of dad's feet, and they yelled to him: 'Dance your own
+self, you ancient maverick; whoop 'er up!' and by gosh! dad was so
+frightened that he began to dance all around the platform, and it was
+like a battle, the bullets splintering the boards, and the smoke filling
+the air, and the passengers looking out of the windows and laughing,
+and the engineer and fireman looking on and yelling, and dad nearly
+exhausted from the exertion. I guess if the conductor had not got the
+hot box put out and yelled all aboard, dad would have had apoplexy.”
+
+[Illustration: He began to dance all around the platform 037]
+
+“When he let up, the cow boys quit shooting, and he! 'ol aboard the train
+and started. I stayed in the smoking car with the train butcher for more
+than an hour, 'cause I was afraid if I went in the car where dad was he
+would make some remark that would offend my pride, and when I did
+go back to the car he just said: 'Somebody fooled you. Those fellows
+couldn't dance, and I knew it all the time.' Yes, I guess there is no
+doubt dad is crazy sometimes, but let me chaperone him through a few
+foreign countries and he will stand without hitching all right. Well,
+goodby, now, old man, and try and bear up under it, till you get a
+letter from me,” and the bad boy took his labeled valise and hat box and
+started.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to
+     Washington--He and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt--
+     The Bad Boy Meets One of the Children and They Disagree.
+
+Washington, D. C--My Dear Old Skate: I didn't tell you in my last about
+the fun we had getting here. We were on the ocean wave two days, because
+the whole country was flooded from the rains, and dad walked the quarter
+deck of the Pullman car, and hitched up his pants, and looked across the
+sea on each side of the train with a field glass, looking for whales and
+porpoises. He seems to be impressed with the idea that this trip abroad
+is one of great significance to the country, and that he is to be a sort
+of minister plenipotentiary, whatever that is, and that our country is
+going to be judged by the rest of the world by the position he takes on
+world affairs. The first day out of Chicago dad corraled the porter in a
+section and talked to him until the porter was black in the face. I told
+dad the only way to get respectful consideration from a negro was to
+advocate lynching and burning at the stake, for the slightest things, so
+when our porter was unusually attentive to a young woman on the car dad
+hauled him over the coals, and scared him so by talking of hanging, and
+burning in kerosene oil, that the negro got whiter than your shirt, and
+when he got away from dad he came to me and asked if that old man with
+the red nose and the gold-headed cane was as dangerous as he talked.
+I told him he was my dad, and that he was a walking delegate of the
+Amalgamated Association of Negro Lynchers, and when a negro did anything
+that he ought to be punished for they sent for dad, and he took charge
+of the proceedings and saw that the negro was hanged, and shot, and
+burned up plenty. But I told him that dad was crazy on the subject
+of giving tips to servants, and he must not fall dead when we got to
+Washington if dad gave him a $50 bill, and he must not give back any
+change, but just act as though he always got $50 from passengers. Well,
+you'd a dide to see that negro brush dad 50 times a day, and bring a
+towel every few minutes to wipe off his shoes, but he kept one eye,'
+about as big as an onion, on dad all the time, to watch that he didn't
+get stabbed. The next morning I took dad's pants from under his pillow,
+and hid them in a linen closet, and dad laid in his berth all the
+forenoon, and had it out with the porter, whom he accused of stealing
+them. The doctors told me I must keep dad interested and excited, so he
+would not dwell on his sickness, and I did, sure as you are a foot high.
+Dad stood it till almost noon, when he came out of his berth with his
+pajamas on, these kind with great blue stripes like a fellow in the
+penitentiary, and when he went to the wash room I found his pants
+and then he dressed up and swore some at everybody but me. We got to
+Washington all right, and I thought I would bust when dad fished out a
+nickel and gave it to the porter, and we got out of the car before the
+porter came to, and the first day we stayed in the hotel for fear the
+negro would see us, as I told dad that porter would round up a gang of
+negroes with razors and they would waylay us and cut dad all up into
+sausage meat.
+
+[Illustration: Fished out a nickel and gave it to the porter 042]
+
+Dad is the bravest man I ever saw when there is no danger, but when
+there is a chance for a row he is weak as a cat. I spect it is on
+account of his heart being weak. A man's internal organs are a great
+study. I spose a brave man, a hero, has to have all his inside things
+working together, to be real up and up brave, but if his heart is
+strong, and his liver is white, he goes to pieces in an emergency, and
+if his liver is all right, and he tries to fight just on his liver, when
+the supreme moment arrives, and his heart jumps up into his throat, and
+wabbles and beats too quick, he just flunks. I would like to dissect a
+real brave man, and see what condition the things inside him are in, but
+it would be a waste of time to dissect dad, 'cause I know all his inner
+works need to go to a watchmaker and be cleaned, and a new main spring
+put in.
+
+Well, this morning dad shaved himself, and got on his frock coat, and
+his silk hat, and said we would go over to the white house and have
+a talk with Teddy, but first he wanted to go and see where Jefferson
+hitched his horse to the fence when he came to Washington to be
+innogerated, and where Jackson smoked his corn cob pipe, and swore and
+stormed around when he was mad, and to walk on the same paths where
+Zachariah Taylor Zacked, Buchanan catched it, and Lincoln put down
+the rebellion, and so we walked over toward the white house, and I was
+scandalized. I stopped to pick up a stone to throw at a dog inside the
+fence, and when I walked along behind dad, and got a rear view of his
+silk hat, it seemed as though I would sink through the asphalt pavement,
+for he had on an old silk hat that he wore before the war, the darnedest
+looking hat I ever saw, the brim curled like a minstrel show hat, the
+fur rubbed off in some places, and he looked like one of these actors
+that you see pictures of walking on the railroad track, when the show
+busts up at the last town. I think a man ought to dress so his young
+son won't have a fit. I tried to get dad to go and buy a new hat, but he
+said he was going to wait till he got to London, and buy one just like
+King Edward wears, but he will never get to London with that hat, 'cause
+to-night I will throw it out of the hotel window and put a piece of
+stove pipe in his hat box.
+
+Well, sir, you wouldn't believe it, but we got into the white house
+without being pulled, but it was a close shave, 'cause everybody looked
+at dad, and put their forefingers to their foreheads, for they thought
+he was either a crank, or an ambassador from some furrin country. The
+detectives got around dad when we got into the anteroom, and began to
+feel of his pockets to see if he had a gun, and one of them asked me
+what the old fellow wanted, and I told them he was the greatest bob cat
+shooter in the west, and was on his way to Europe to invite the emperors
+and things to come over to this country and shoot cats on his preserve.
+Well, say, you ought to have seen how they stepped one side and waltzed
+around, and one of them went in the next room and told the president dad
+was there, and before we knew it we were in the president's room, and
+the president began to curl up his lip, and show his teeth like some one
+had said “rats.”
+
+[Illustration: President began to curl up his lip 045]
+
+He got hold of dad's hand, and dad backed off as though he was afraid of
+being bitten, and then they sat down and talked about mountain lion and
+cat shooting, and dad said he had a 22 rifle that he could pick a cat
+off the back fence with every time, out of his bedroom window, and I
+began to look around at the pictures. Dad and the president talked about
+all kinds of shooting, from mudhens to moose, and then dad told the
+president he was going abroad on account of his liver, and wanted a
+letter of introduction to some of the kings and emperors, and queens,
+and jacks, and all the face cards, and the president said he made it a
+practice not to give any personal letters to his friends, the kings,
+but that dad could tell any of them that he met that he was an American
+citizen, and that would take him anywhere in Europe, and then he got
+up and began to show his teeth at dad again, and dad gave him the grand
+hailing sign of distress of the Grand Army and backed out, dropped his
+hat, and in trying to pick it up, he stepped on it, but that made it
+look better, anyway, and we found ourselves outside the room, and a lot
+of common people from the country were ready to go in and talk politics
+and cat shooting.
+
+Well, we looked at pictures, and saw the state dining room where they
+feed 50 diplomats at a time on mud turtle and champagne, and a boy about
+my size looked sort of disdainful at me, and I told him it he would come
+outside I would mash his jaw, and he said I could try it right there
+if I was in a hurry to go, and I was starting to give him a swift punch
+when a detective took hold of my arm and said they couldn't have any
+scrap there, 'cause the president's son could not fight with common
+boys, and I asked him who he called a common boy, and then dad said we
+better go before war broke out in a country that was illy prepared for
+hostilities on a large scale, and then I told a detective that dad was
+liable to have one of his spells and begin shooting any minute, and
+then the detectives all thought dad was one of these president
+assassinationists, and they took him into a room and searched him, and
+asked him a whole lot of fool questions, and they finally let us out,
+and told us we better skip the town before night.
+
+[Illustration: I was starting to give him a swift punch 047]
+
+Dad got kind of heavy-hearted over that and took a notion he would like
+to see ma again before crossing the briny deep, so you came near having
+your little angel again soon. This weakness of dad's didn't last long,
+for we're looking for a warm time in New York and old Lunnon.
+
+So long,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon--Dad Weeps at the
+     Grave of the Father of Our Country.
+
+New York City.--My Dear Uncle Ezra: I got a letter from my chum this
+morning, and he says he was in the grocery the day he wrote, and you
+were a sight. He says that if I am going to be away several months you
+will never change your shirt till I get back, for nobody around the
+grocery seems to have any influence over you. I meant to have put you
+under bonds before I left, to change your shirt at least quarterly, but
+you ought to change it by rights every month. The way to do is to get
+an almanac and make a mark on the figures at the first of the month,
+and when you are studying the almanac it will remind you of your duty to
+society. People east here, that is, business men in your class, change
+their shirts every week or two. Try and look out for these little
+matters, insignificant as they may seem, because the public has some
+rights that it is dangerous for a man to ignore.
+
+Dad and I have been down to Mount Vernon, and had a mighty solemn
+time. I think dad expected that we would be met at the trolley car by
+a delegation of descendants of George Washington, by a four-horse
+carriage, with postilions and things, and driven to the old house, and
+received with some distinction, as dad had always been an admirer
+of George Washington, and had pointed with pride to his record as a
+statesman and a soldier, but all we saw was a bunch of negroes, who
+told us which way to walk, and charged us ten cents apiece for the
+information.
+
+At Mount Vernon we found the old house where George lived and died,
+where Martha told him to wipe his feet before he came in the house, and
+saw that things were cooked properly. We saw pictures of revolutionary
+scenes and men of that period, relics of the days when George was the
+whole thing around there. We saw the bed on which George died, and then
+we went down to the icehouse and looked through the fence and saw the
+marble coffins in which George and Martha were sealed up. Say, old man,
+I know you haven't got much reverence, but you couldn't look through
+that fence at what remains of the father of his country without taking
+off your hat and thinking good things while you were there.
+
+[Illustration: Saw the marble coffins in which George and Martha 050]
+
+I was surprised at dad; he cried, though he never met George Washington
+in all his life. I have seen dad at funerals at home, when he was a
+bearer, or a mourner, and he never acted as thought it affected him
+much, but there at Mount Vernon, standing within eight feet of the
+remains of George Washington, he just lost his nerve, and bellered, and
+I felt solemn myself, like I had been kept in after school when all the
+boys were going in swimming. If a negro had not asked dad for a quarter
+I know dad would have got down on his knees and been pious, but when
+he gave that negro a swift kick for butting in with a commercial
+proposition, in a sacred moment, dad come to, and we went up to the
+house again. Dad said what he wanted was to think of George Washington
+just as a country farmer, instead of a general and a president. He said
+we got nearer to George, if we thought of him getting up in the morning,
+putting on his old farmer pants and shirt, and going downstairs in his
+stocking feet, and going out to the kitchen by the wooden bench, dipping
+a gourd full of rain water out of a barrel into an earthen wash basin
+and taking some soft soap out of a dish and washing himself, his shirt
+open so his great hairy breast would catch the breeze, his suspenders,
+made of striped bed ticking, hanging down, his hair touseled up until
+he had taken out a yellow pocket comb and combed it, and then yelling
+to Martha to know about how long a workingman would have to wait for
+breakfast. And then dad said he liked to think of George Washington
+sitting down at the breakfast table and spearing sausages out of a
+platter, and when a servant brought in a mess of these old-fashioned
+buckwheat cakes, as big as a pieplate, see George, in imagination, pilot
+a big one on to his plate, and cover it with sausage gravy, and eat
+like he didn't have any dyspepsia, and see him help Martha to buckwheat
+cakes, and finally get up from breakfast like a full Christian and go
+out on the farm and count up the happy slaves to see if any of them had
+got away during the night.
+
+By ginger, dad inspired me with new thoughts about the father of his
+country. I had always thought of Washington as though he was constantly
+crossing the Delaware in a skiff, through floating ice, with a cocked
+hat on, and his coat flaps trimmed with buff nankeen stuff, a sort of
+a male Eliza in “Uncle Tom's Cabin,” getting away from the hounds that
+were chasing her to chew her pants. I was always thinking of George
+either chopping cherry trees, or standing on a pedestal to have his
+picture taken, but here at the old farm, with dad to inspire me, I was
+just mingling with Washington, the planter, the neighbor, telling the
+negroes where they would get off at if they didn't pick cotton fast
+enough, or breaking colts, or going to the churn and drinking a quart
+of buttermilk, and getting the stomach ache, and calling upstairs to
+Martha, who was at the spinning wheel, or knitting woolen socks, and
+asking her to fix up a brandy smash to cure his griping pains. I thought
+of the father of his country taking a severe cold, and not being able
+to run into a drug store for a bottle of cough sirup, or a quinine pill,
+having Martha fix a tub of hot mustard water to soak those great feet of
+his, and bundle him up in a flannel blanket, give him a hot whisky, and
+put him to bed with a hot brick at his feet.
+
+Then, when I looked at a duck blind out in the Potomac, near the shore,
+I thought how George used to put on an old coat and slouch hat and take
+his gun and go out in the blind, and shoot canvas-back ducks for dinner,
+and paddle his boat out after the dead birds, the way Grover Cleveland
+did a century later. I tell you, old man, the way to appreciate our
+great statesmen, soldiers and scholars is to think of them just as
+plain, ordinary citizens, doing the things men do nowadays. It does dad
+and I more good to think of Washington and his friends camping out down
+the Potomac, on a fishing trip, sleeping on a bed of pine boughs, and
+cooking their own pork, and roasting sweet potatoes in the ashes, eating
+with appetites like slaves, than to think of him at a state dinner in
+the white house, with a French cook disguising the food so they could
+not tell what it was.
+
+O, I had rather have a picture of George Washington and Lafayette coming
+up the bank of the Potomac toward the house, loaded down with ducks, and
+Martha standing on the porch of Mount Vernon asking them who they bought
+the ducks of and how much they cost, than to have one of those big
+paintings in the white house showing George and Lafayette looking as
+though they had conquered the world. If the phonograph had been invented
+then, and we could listen to the conversation of those men, just as they
+said things, it would be great. Imagine George saying to Lafayette, so
+you cotild hear it now: “Lafe, that last shot at that canvasback you
+made was the longest shot ever made on the Potomac. It was a Jim dandy,
+you old frog eater,” and imagine Lafayette replying: “You bet your life,
+George, I nailed that buck canvasback with a charge of number six shot,
+and he never knew what struck him.” But they didn't have any phonographs
+in those days and so you have got to imagine things.
+
+How would Washington's farewell address sound now in a phonograph,
+or some of George's choice swear words at a slave that had ridden a
+sore-backed mule down to Alexandria after a jug of rum. I would like to
+run a phonograph show with nothing in the machine but ancient talk from
+George Washington, but we can have no such luck unless George is born
+again.
+
+Old man, if you ever get a furlough from business, you go down to Mount
+Vernon and revel in memories of the father of his country. If you go,
+hunt up a negro with a hair lip, that is a servant there, and who used
+to be Washington's body servant, unless he is a liar, and tell him I
+sent you and he won't do a thing to you, for a dollar or so. I told that
+negro that dad was a great general, a second Washington, and he wore
+all the skin off his bald head taking off his hat to dad every time dad
+looked at him, and he bowed until his back ached, but when we were going
+away, and dad asked me what ailed the old monkey to act that way, the
+old negro thought these new Washingtons were a pretty tough lot.
+
+All the time at Mount Vernon I couldn't get up meanness enough to
+play any trick on dad, but I picked up a sort of a horse chestnut or
+something, with prickers on it as sharp as needles, and as we were
+getting on the trolley I slipped it down the back of dad's pants, near
+where his suspenders button on, and by the time we sat down in the car
+the horse chestnut had worked down where dad is the largest, and when he
+leaned back against the seat he turned pale and wiggled around and asked
+me if he looked bad.
+
+[Illustration: Slipped it down the back of dad's pants 057]
+
+I told him he looked like a corpse, which encouraged him so he almost
+fainted. He asked me if I had heard of any contagious diseases that were
+prevalent in Virginia, 'cause he felt as though he had caught something.
+I told him I would ask the conductor, so I went and asked the conductor
+what time we got to Washington, and then I went back to dad and told
+him the conductor said there was no disease of any particular account,
+except smallpox and yellow fever, and that the first symptom of smallpox
+was a prickling sensation in the small of the back.
+
+Dad turned green and said he had got it all right, and I had the
+darndest time getting him back to the hotel at Washington. Say, I had to
+help him undress, and I took the horse chestnut and put it in the foot
+of the bed, and got dad in, and I went downstairs to see a doctor, and
+then I came back and told him the doctor said if the prickly sensation
+went to his feet he was in no danger from smallpox, as it was an
+evidence that an old vaccination of years ago had got in its work and
+knocked the disease out of his system lengthwise, and when I told dad
+that he raised up in bed and said he was saved, for ever since I went
+out of the room he had felt that same dreaded prickling at work on his
+feet, and he was all right.
+
+I told dad it was a narrow escape and that it ought to be a warning
+to him. Dad has to wear a dress suit to dinner here and cough up money
+every time he turns around, 'cause I have told the bell boys dad is a
+bonanza copper king, and they are not doing a thing to dad.
+
+O, I guess I am doing just as the doctors at home ordered, in keeping
+dad's mind occupied.
+
+Well, so long, old man, I have got to go to dinner with dad, and I am
+going to order the dinner myself, dad said I could, and if I don't put
+him into bankruptcy, you don't know your little
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria--
+     The Bad Boy Orders Dinner--The Old Man Gets Stuck--Tries to
+     Rescue a Countess in Distress.
+
+Waldorf-Astoria, New York.--Dear Uncle Ezra: We are still at this
+tavern, but we don't do anything but sleep here, and stay around in
+the lobby evenings to let people look at us, and dad wears that old
+swallow-tail coat he had before the war, but he has got a new silk hat,
+since we got here; one of these shiny ones that is so slick it makes his
+clothes look offul bum. We about went broke on the first supper we
+had, or dinner they call it here. You see, dad thought this was about a
+three-dollar-a-day house, and that the meals were included, like they do
+at Oshkosh, and so when we went down to dinner dad said we wouldn't do
+a thing to old Astor. He let me order the dinner, but told me to order
+everything on the bill-of-sale, because we wanted to get the worth of
+our three dollars a day. Well, honest, I couldn't order all there was,
+'cause you couldn't have got it all on a billiard table. Say, that list
+they gave me had everything on it that was ever et or drunk, but I told
+dad they would fire us out if we ordered the whole prescription, so all
+I ordered was terrapin, canvasback duck, oysters, clams, crabs, a lot of
+new kinds of fish, and some beef and mutton, and turkey, and woodcock,
+and partridge, and quail, and English pheasant, and lobster and salads
+and ices, and pie and things, just to stay our stomachs, and when it
+came to wine, dad weakened, because he didn't want to set a bad example
+to me, so he ordered hard cider for hisself and asked me if I wanted
+anything to drink, and I ordered brown pop. You'd a been tickled to see
+the waiter when he took that order, 'cause I don't s'pose anybody ever
+ordered cider and brown pop there since Astor skinned muskrats for a
+living, when he was a trapper up north. Gosh, but when they brought that
+dinner in, you ought to have seen the sensation it created. Most of the
+people in the great dining hall looked at dad as though he was a Crases,
+or a Rockefeller, and the head waiter bowed low to dad, and dad thought
+it was Astor, and dad looked dignified and hurt at being spoken to by a
+common tavern keeper. Well, we et and et, but we couldn't get away with
+hardly any of it, and dad wanted to wrap some of the duck and lobsters
+and things in a newspaper and take it to the room for a lunch, but the
+waiter wouldn't have it. But the cyclone struck the house when dad and
+I got up to go out of the dining-room, and the waiter brought dad the
+check.
+
+[Illustration: The waiter brought dad the check 063]
+
+“What is this?” said dad, as he put on his glasses and looked at the
+check which was $43 and over.
+
+“Dinner check, sir,” said the waiter, as he straightened back and held
+out his hand.
+
+“Why, ain't this house run on the American plan?” said dad, as his chin
+began to tremble.
+
+“No, sir, on the Irish plan,” said the waiter. “You pays for what you
+horders,” and dad began to dig up. He looked at me as though I was to
+blame, when he told me to order all there was in sight. Well, I have
+witnessed heart-rending scenes, but I never saw anything that would
+draw tears like dad digging down for that $43. The doctors at home had
+ordered excitement for dad, but this seemed to be an overdose, and I
+was afraid he would collapse and I offered him my glass of brown pop to
+stimulate him, but he told me I could go plumb, and if I spoke to him
+again he would maul me. He got his roll half out of his pistol pocket,
+and then talked loud and said it was a damoutridge, and he wanted to see
+Astor himself before he would allow himself to be held up by highwaymen,
+and then all the other diners stood up and looked at dad, and a lot of
+waiters and bouncers surrounded him, and then he pulled out the roll,
+and it was pitiful to see him wet his trembling thumb on his trembling
+dry tongue and begin to peel off the bills, like you peel the layers off
+an onion, but he got off enough to pay for the dinner, gave the waiter
+half a dollar, and smiled a sickly smile at the head waiter, and I
+led him out of the dining-room a broken-down old man. As we got to the
+lobby, where the horse show of dress-suit chappies was beginning the
+evening procession, I said to dad: “Next time we will dine out, I
+guess,” and at that he rallied and seemed to be able to take a joke, for
+he said: “We dined out this time. We dined out $43,” and then we joined
+the procession of walkers around, and tried to look prosperous, and
+after awhile dad called a bell boy, and asked him if there wasn't a good
+dairy lunch counter near the Waldorf, where a man could go and get a
+bowl of bread and milk, and the bell boy gave him the address of a
+dairy lunch place, and I can see my finish, 'cause from this out we will
+probably live on bread and milk while we are here, and I hate bread and
+milk.
+
+It got all around the hotel, about the expensive dinner dad ordered for
+himself and the little heir to his estate, and everybody wanted to get
+acquainted with dad and try to get some stock in his copper mine. I had
+told dad about my telling the boys he was a bonanza copper miner, and
+he never batted an eye when they asked him about his mine, and he looked
+the part.
+
+[Illustration: One man wanted dad to cash a check 067]
+
+One man wanted dad to cash a check, 'cause the bank was closed, and he
+was a rich-looking duke, and dad was just going to get his roll out and
+peel off some more onion, when I said: “Not on your tintype, Mr. Duke,”
+ and dad left his roll in his pocket, and the duke gave me a look as
+though he wanted to choke me, and went away, saying: “There is Mr.
+Pierpont Morgan, and I can get him to cash it.” I saved dad over a
+hundred dollars on that scheme, and so we are making money every minute.
+We went to our room early, so dad could digest his $43 worth of glad
+food.
+
+Gee, but this house got ripped up the back before morning. You remember
+I told you about a countess, or a duchess, or some kind of high-up
+female that had a room next to our room. Well, she is a beaut, from
+Butte, Mont., or Cuba, or somewhere, for she acts like a queen that has
+just stepped off her throne for a good time. She has got a French maid
+that is a peacharino. You know that horse chestnut, with the prickers
+on, that I put in dad's pants at Washington. Well, I have still got it,
+and as it gets dry the prickers are sharper than needles, sharper even
+than a servant's tooth, as it says in the good book. I thought I would
+give dad a run for his money, 'cause exercise and excitement are good
+for a man that dined heartily on $43 worth of rich food, so when we went
+to our room I told dad that I was satisfied from what a bell boy told
+me that the countess in the next room, who had gold cords over her
+shoulders for suspenders, was stuck on him, because she was always
+inquiring who the lovely old gentleman was with the sweet little boy.
+Dad he got so interested that he forgot to cuss me about ordering that
+dinner, and he said he had noticed her, and would like real well to get
+acquainted with her, 'cause a man far away from home, sick as a dog,
+with no loving wife to look after him, needed cheerful company. So I
+told him I had it all arranged for him to meet her, and then I went out
+in the hall, sort of whistling around, and the French maid came out
+and broke some English for me, and we got real chummy, 'cause she was
+anxious to learn English, and I wanted to learn some French words; so
+she invited me into the room, and we sat on the sofa and exchanged words
+quite awhile, until she was called to the telephone in the other room.
+Say, you ought to have seen me. I jumped up and put my hand inside
+the sheets of the bed, and put that chestnut in there, right about the
+middle of the bed, and then, after learning French quite a spell, with
+the maid, we heard the countess getting off' the elevator, and the maid
+said I must skip, 'cause it was the countess' bed-time, and I went back
+and told dad the whole thing was arranged for him to meet the countess,
+in a half an hour or so, as she had to write a few letters to some
+kings and dukes, and when she gave a little scream; as though she was
+practicing her voice on an opera, or something, dad was to go and rap
+at the door. Gosh, but I was sorry for dad, for he was so nervous and
+anxious for the half hour to expire that he walked up and down the room,
+and looked at himself in the mirror, and acted like he had indigestion.
+I had told the maid that she and the countess must feel perfectly safe,
+if anything ever happened, 'cause my dad was the bravest man in the
+world, and he would rush to the rescue of the countess, if a burglar got
+in in the night, or the water pipes busted, or anything, and all she had
+to do was to screech twice and dad would be on deck, and she must open
+the door quicker-n scat, and she thanked me, and said she would, and for
+me to come, too. Say, on the dead, wasn't that a plot for an amateur to
+cook up? Well, sir, we had to wait so long for the countess to get on
+the horse chestnut that I got nervous myself, but after awhile there
+came a scream that would raise your hair, and I told dad the countess
+was singing the opera. Dad said: “Hennery, that ain't no opera, that's
+tragedy,” but she gave two or three more stanzas, and I told dad he
+better hustle, and we went out in the hall and rapped at the door of the
+countess' room, and the maid opened it, and told us to send for a doctor
+and a policeman, 'cause the countess was having a fit. Well, say, that
+was the worst ever. The countess had jumped out of bed, and was pulling
+the lace curtains around her, but dad thought she was crazy, and was
+going to jump out of the window, and he made a grab for her, and he
+shouted to her to “be cam, be cam, poor woman, and I will rescue you.”
+ I tried to pacify the maid the best I knew how, and dad was getting the
+countess calmer, but she evidently thought he was an assassin, for every
+little while she would yell for help, and then the night watchman came
+in with a house policeman, and one of them choked dad off, and they
+asked the countess what the trouble was, and she said she had just
+retired when she was stabbed about a hundred times in the small of the
+back with a poniard, and she knew conspirators were assassinating her,
+and she screamed, and this old bandit, meaning dad, came in, and the
+little monkey, meaning me, had held his hand over her maid's mouth, so
+she could not make any outcry.
+
+[Illustration: Night watchman came in with a house policeman 071]
+
+Well, I got my horse chestnut all right, out of the bed, and the
+policeman told the countess not to be alarmed, and go back to bed, and
+they took dad and I to our room, and asked us all about it. Gee, but
+dad put up a story about hearing a woman scream in the next room, and,
+thinking only of the duty of a gentleman under the circumstances, rushed
+to her rescue, and all there was to it was that she must have had a
+nightmare, but he said if he had it to do over again, he would do the
+same. Anyway, the policeman believed dad, and they went off and left us,
+and we went to bed, but dad said: “Hennery, you understand, I don't want
+to make any more female acquaintances, see, among the crowned heads,
+and from this out we mingle only with men. The idea of me going into a
+woman's room and finding a Floradora with fits and tantrums, and me, a
+sick man. Now, don't write to your ma about this, 'cause she never did
+have much confidence in me, around women with fits.” So, Uncle Ezra, you
+must not let this get into the papers, see?
+
+Well, we have bought our tickets for Liverpool, and shall sail
+to-morrow, and while you are making up your cash account Saturday night,
+we shall be on the ocean. I s'pose I will write you on the boat, if they
+will tie it up somewhere so it will stand level. Your dear boy. Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages--
+     His Dad Has an Argument Over a Steamer Chair.
+
+On Board the Lucinia, Mid-ocean.
+
+Dear Old Geezer.
+
+I take the first opportunity, since leaving New York, to write you,
+'cause the boat, after three days out, has got settled down so it runs
+level, and I can write without wrapping my legs around the table legs,
+to hold me down. I have tried a dozen times to write, but the sea was so
+rough that part of the time the table was on top of me and part of the
+time I was on top, and I was so sick I seem to have lost my mind, over
+the rail, with the other things supposed to be inside of me. O, old man,
+you think you know what seasickness is, 'cause you told me once about
+crossing Lake Michigan on a peach boat, but lake sickness is easy
+compared with the ocean malady. I could enjoy common seasickness and
+think it was a picnic, but this salt water sickness takes the cake. I am
+sorry for dad, because he holds more than I do, and he is so slow
+about giving up meals that he has paid for, that it takes him longer to
+commune with nature, and he groans so, and swears some.
+
+[Illustration: I am sorry for dad, because he holds more than I do 074]
+
+I don't see how a person can swear when he is seasick on the ocean, with
+no sure thing that he will ever see land again, and a good prospect of
+going to the bottom, where you got to die in the arms of a devil fish,
+with a shark biting pieces out of your tender loin and a smoked halibut
+waiting around for his share of your corpse, and whales blowing syphons
+of water and kicking because they are so big that they can't get at you
+to chew cuds of human gum, and porpoises combing your damp hair with
+their fine tooth comb fins, and sword fish and sawtooth piscatorial
+carpenters sawing off steaks. Gee, but it makes me crawl. I once saw a
+dead dog in the river, with bull heads and dog-fish ripping him up the
+back, and I keep thinking I had rather be that dog, in a nice river at
+home, with bullheads that I knew chewing me at their leisure, than to be
+a dead boy miles down in the ocean, with strange fish and sea serpents
+quarreling over the tender pieces in me. A man told me that if you smoke
+cigarets and get saturated with nickoteen, and you are drownded, the
+fish will smell of you, and turn up their noses and go away and leave
+your remains, so I tried a cigaret, and, gosh, but I had rather be et
+by fish than smoke another, on an ocean steamer. It only added to my
+sickness, and I had enough before. I prayed some, when the boat stood on
+its head and piled us all up in the front end, but a chair struck me on
+the place where Fitzsimmons hit Corbett, and knocked the prayer all out
+of me, and when the boat stood on her butt end and we all slid back the
+whole length of the cabin, and I brought up under the piano, I tried to
+sing a hymn, such as I used to in the 'Piscopal choir, before my voice
+changed, but the passengers who were alive yelled for some one to choke
+me, and I didn't sing any more. Dad was in the stateroom when we were
+rolling back and forth in the cabin, and between sicknesses he came
+out to catch me and take me into the stateroom, but he got the rolling
+habit, too, and he rolled a match with an actress who was voyaging for
+her health, and they got offully mixed up. He tried to rescue her, and
+grabbed hold of her belt and was reeling her in all right, when a man
+who said he was her husband took dad by the neck and said he must keep
+his hands off or get another nose put on beside the one he had, and then
+they all rolled under a sofa, and how it came out I don't know, but the
+next morning dad's eye was blacked, and the fellow who said he was her
+husband had his front teeth knocked out, and the actress lost her back
+hair and had to wear a silk handkerchief tied around her head the rest
+of the trip, and she looked like a hired girl who has been out to a
+saloon dance.
+
+The trouble with dad is that he butts in too much. He thinks he is the
+whole thing and thinks every crowd he sees is a demonstration for him.
+When the steamer left New York, there were hundreds of people on the
+dock to see friends off, and they had flowers to present to Unfriends,
+and dad thought they were all for him, and he reached for every bunch of
+roses that was brought aboard, and was going to return thanks for them,
+when they were jerked away from him, and he looked hurt. When the gang
+plank was pulled in, and the boat began to wheeze, and grunt, and move
+away from the dock, and dad saw the crowd waving handkerchiefs and
+laughing, and saying _bon voyage_, he thought they were doing it all for
+him, and he started in to make a speech, thanking his fellow countrymen
+for coming to see him off, and promising them that he would prove a true
+representative of his beloved country in his travels abroad, and that
+he would be true to the stars and stripes wherever fortune might place
+him, and all that rot, when the boat got so far away they could not hear
+him, and then he came off his perch, and said, “Hennery, that little
+impromptu demonstration to your father, on the eve of his departure from
+his native land, perhaps never to return, ought to be a deep and lasting
+lesson to you, and to show you that the estimation in which I am held
+by our people, is worth millions to you, and you can point with pride to
+your father.” I said “rats” and dad said he wouldn't wonder if the boat
+was full of rats, and then we stood on deck, and watched the objects of
+interest down the bay.
+
+[Illustration: A speech, thanking his fellow countrymen 078]
+
+As we passed the statue of Liberty, which France gave to the republic,
+on Bedloe's Island, dad started to make a speech to the passengers, but
+one of the officers of the boat told dad this was no democratic caucus,
+and that choked him off, but he was loaded for a speech, and I knew
+it was only a matter of time when he would have to fire it off, but I
+thought when we got outside the bar, into the ocean, his speech would
+come up with the rest of the stuff, and I guess it did, for after he
+began to be sea sick he had to keep his mouth shut, which was a great
+relief to me, for I felt that he would say something that would get this
+country in trouble with other nations, as there were lots of foreigners
+on board. I heard that J. Pierpont Morgan was on board, and I told
+everybody I got in conversation with that dad was Pierpont Morgan, and
+when people began to call him Mr. Morgan, I told dad the passengers
+thought he was Morgan; the great financier, and it tickled dad, and he
+never denied it. Anyway, the captain put dad and I at his own table,
+and he called me “Little Pierp,” and everybody discussed great financial
+questions with dad, and everything would have been lovely the whole
+trip, only Morgan came amongst us after he had been sea sick for three
+days, and they gave him a seat opposite us, and with two Morgans at the
+same table it was a good deal like two Uncle Tom's in an Uncle Tom's
+Cabin show, so dad had to stay in his stateroom on account of sickness,
+a good deal. Then dad got to walking on deck and flirting with the
+female passengers. Say, did you ever see an old man who was stuck on
+hisself, and thought that every woman who looked at him, from curiosity,
+or because he had a wart on his neck, and watch him get busy making 'em
+believe he is a young and kitteny thing, who is irresistible? Gee,
+but it makes me tired. No man can mash, and make eyes, and have a love
+scene, when he has to go to the rail every few minutes and hump hisself
+with something in him that is knocking at the door of his palate, to
+come out the same way it went in. Dad found a widow woman who looked
+back at him kind of sassy, when he braced up to her, and when the ship
+rolled and side-stepped, he took hold of her arm to steady her, and she
+said maybe they better sit down on deck and talk it over, so dad found
+a couple of steamer chairs that were not in use, and they sat down near
+together, and dad took hold of her hand to see if she was nervous, and
+he told me I could go any play mumbletypeg in the cabin, and I went in
+the cabin and looked out of the window at dad and the widow. Say, you
+wouldn't think two chairs could get so close, and dad was sure love
+sick, and so was she. The difference between love sick and sea sick is
+that in love sick you look red in the face and snuggle up, and squeeze
+hands, and look fondly, and swallow your emotion, and try to wait
+patiently until it is dark enough so the spectators won't notice
+anything, and in sea sickness you get pale in the face, and spread
+apart, and let go of hands, and after you have stood it as long as
+you can you rush to the rail and act as though you were going to jump
+overboard, and then stop sudden and let-'er-go-gallagher, right before
+folks, and after it is over you try to look as though you had enjoyed
+it. I will say this much for dad, he and the widow never played a duet
+over the rail, but they took turns, and dad held her as tenderly as
+though they were engaged, and when he got her back to the steamer chair
+he stroked her face and put camphor to her nose, and acted like an
+undertaker that wasn't going to let the remains get away from him. They
+were having a nice convalescent time, just afore it broke up, and hadn't
+either of them been sick for ten minutes, and dad had put his arm around
+her shoulders, and was talking cunning to her, and she was looking
+lovingly into dad's eyes, and they were talking of meeting again in
+France in a few weeks, where she was going to rent a villa, and dad was
+saying he would be there with both feet, when I opened the window and
+said, “The steward is bringing around a lunch, and I have ordered two
+boiled pork sandwiches for you two easy marks.” Well, you'd a dide to
+see 'em jump. What there is about the idea of fat pork that makes people
+who are sea sick have a relapse, I don't know, but the woman grabbed her
+stum-mix in both hands and left dad and rushed into the cabin yelling
+“enough,” or something like that, and dad laid right back in the chair
+and blatted like a calf, and said he would kill me dead when we got
+ashore. Just then an Englishman came along and told dad he better get
+up out of his chair, and dad said whose chair you talking about, and the
+man said the chair was his, and if dad didn't get out of it, he would
+kick him in the pants, and dad said he hadn't had a good chance at an
+Englishman since the Revolutionary war, and he just wanted a chance
+to clean up enough Englishmen for a mess, and dad got up and stood at
+“attention,” and the Englishman squared off like a prize fighter, and
+they were just going to fight the battle of Bunker Hill over again, when
+I run up to an officer with gold lace on his coat and lemon pie on his
+whiskers, and told him an old crazy Yankee out on deck was going to
+murder a poor sea sick Englishman, and the officer rushed out and took
+dad by the coat collar and made him quit, and when he found what the
+quarrel was about, he told dad all the chairs were private property
+belonging to the passengers, and for him to keep out of them, and he
+apologized to the Englishman and they went into the saloon and settled
+it with high balls, and dad beat the Englishman by drinking two high
+balls to his one. Then dad set into a poker game, with ten cents ante,
+and no limit, and they played along for a while until dad got four
+jacks, and he bet five dollars, and a Frenchman raised him five thousand
+dollars, and dad laid down his hand and said the game was too rich for
+his blood, and when he reached in his vest pocket for money to pay for
+his poker chips he found that his roll was gone, and he said he would
+leave his watch for security until he could go to his state room and get
+some money, and then he found that his watch had been pinched, and the
+Englishman said he would be good for it, and dad came out in the cabin
+and wanted me to help him find the widow, cause he said when she laid
+her head on his shoulder, to recover from her sickness, he felt a
+fumbling around his vest, but he thought it was nothing but his stomach
+wiggling to get ready for another engagement, but now he knew she had
+robbed him. Say, dad and I looked all over that boat for the widow, but
+she simply had evaporated. But land is in sight, and we shall land at
+Liverpool this afternoon, and dad is going to lay for the widow at the
+gang plank, and he won't do a thing to her. I guess not. Well, you will
+hear from me in London next, and I'll tell you if dad got his money and
+watch back.
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog--Call on Astor--A Dynamite
+     Outrage.
+
+London, England.
+
+Dear Old Man:
+
+Well, sir, if a court sentenced me to live in this town, I would appeal
+the case, and ask the judge to temper his sentence with mercy, and hang
+me. Say, the fog here is so thick you have to feel around like a blind
+goddess, and when you show up through the fog you look about eighteen
+feet high, and you are so wet you want to be run through a clothes
+wringer every little while. For two days we never left the hotel, but
+looked out of the windows waiting for the fog to go by, and watching the
+people swim through it, without turning a hair. Dad was for going right
+to the Lord Mayor and lodging a complaint, and demanding that the fog be
+cleared off, so an American citizen could go about town and blow in his
+money, but I told him he could be arrested for treason. He come mighty
+near being arrested on the cars from Liverpool to London. When we got
+off the steamer and tried to find the widow who robbed dad of his
+watch and roll of money, but never found her, we were about the last
+passengers to reach the train, and when we got ready to get on we found
+these English cars that open on the sides, and they put you into a box
+stall with some other live stock, and lock you in, and once in a while
+a guard opens the door to see if you are dead from suffocation, or have
+been murdered by the other passengers. Dad kicked on going in one of the
+kennels the first thing, and said he wanted a parlor car; but the guard
+took dad by the pants and gave him a shove, and tossed me in on top of
+dad, and two other passengers and a woman in the compartment snickered,
+and dad wanted to fight all of 'em except the woman, but he concluded to
+mash her. When the door closed clad told the guard he would walk on his
+neck when the door opened, and that he was not an entry in a dog show,
+and he wanted a kennel all to himself, and asked for dog biscuit. Gee,
+but that guard was mad, and he gave dad a look that started the train
+going. I whispered to dad to get out his revolver, because the other
+passengers looked like hold up men, and he took his revolver out of
+his satchel and put it in his pistol pocket, and looked fierce, and the
+woman began to act faint, while the passengers seemed to be preparing
+to jump on dad if he got violent. When the train stopped at the first
+station I got out and told the guard that the old gentleman in there
+was from Helena, Montana, and that he had a reputation from St. Paul
+to Portland, and then I held up both hands the way train robbers make
+passengers hold up their hands. When I went back in the car dad was
+talking to the woman about her resembling a woman he used to know in
+the states, and he was just going to ask her how long she had been so
+beautiful, when the guard came to the side door and called the woman out
+into another stall, and then one of the passengers pulled out a pair
+of handcuffs and told dad he might as well surrender, because he was a
+Scotland yard detective and had spotted dad as an American embezzler,
+and if he drew that gun he had in his pocket there would be a dead
+Yankee in about four minutes. Well, I thought dad had nerve before, but
+he beat the band, right there. He unbuttoned his overcoat and put his
+finger on a Grand Army button in his buttonhole, and said, “Gentlemen,
+I am an American citizen, visiting the crowned heads of the old world,
+with credentials from the President of the United States, and day after
+tomorrow I have a date to meet your king, on official business that
+means much to the future peace of our respective countries. Lay a hand
+on me and you hang from the yard arm of an American battleship.” Well,
+sir, I have seen a good many bluffs in my time, but I never saw the
+equal of that, for the detective turned white, and apologized, and asked
+dad and I out to luncheon at the next station, and we went and ate all
+there was, and when the time was up the detective disappeared and dad
+had to pay for the luncheon, but he kicked all the way to London, and
+the guard would not listen to his complaints, but told him if he tried
+to hold up the train he would be thrown out the window and run over by
+the train. We had the compartment to ourselves the rest of the way to
+London, except about an hour, when the guard shoved in a farmer who
+smelled like cows, and dad tried to get in a quarrel with him, about
+English roast beef coming from America, but the man didn't have his
+arguing clothes on, so dad began to find fault with me, and the man
+told dad to let up on the kid or he would punch his bloody 'ed off. That
+settled it, when the man dropped his “h,” dad thought he was one of the
+nobility, and he got quite chummy with the Englishman, and then we
+got to London, and dad had a quarrel about his baggage, and after
+threatening to have a lot of fights he got his trunk on the roof of a
+cab, and in about an hour we got to the hotel, and then the fog began an
+engagement. If the fog here ever froze stiff, the town would look like
+a piece of ice with fish frozen in. Gee, but I would like to have it
+freeze in front of our hotel, so I could take an ax and go out and chop
+a frozen girl out, and thaw her till she came to.
+
+Say, old man, if anybody ever wants to treat you to a trip to Europe,
+don't come here, but go to some place where they don't think they
+can speak English. You can understand a Nitalian or a Frenchman, or a
+Dutchman, who can't speak English, and knows he can't, better than you
+can an Englishman who thinks he can speak English, and can't, “don't you
+know.” Everything is “don't you know.” If a servant gives you an evening
+paper, he says, “'Ere's your paiper, don't you know,” and if a man
+should--I don't say they would, but if a man _should_ give you a civil
+answer, when you asked him the name of a street, he would look at you
+as though you were a cannibal, and say, “Regent street, don't you know,”
+ and then he would act as though you had broken him of his rest. Dad
+asked more than a dozen men where Bill Astor lived, and of all the
+population of London I don't believe anybody knows, except one newsboy.
+We rode half a day on top of a bus, through streets so crowded that the
+horses had to creep, and dad hung on for fear the bus would be tipped
+over, and finally we got out into the suburbs, where the rich people
+live, and dad said we were right on the trail of King Edward, and we got
+off and loitered around, and dad saw a beautiful place, with a big iron
+fence, and a gate as big as a railroad bridge, and dad asked a newsboy
+who lived there, and the boy made up a face at dad and said, “H'astor,
+you bloke,” and he put out his hand for a tip. It was the first civil
+answer dad had received in London, so he gave the boy a dollar. The boy
+fell over on the sidewalk, dead, and dad started to go away for fear he
+would be arrested for murder, but I kicked the boy on the pants, and he
+got up and yelled some kind of murdered English, and more than a dozen
+newsboys came on a gallop, and when the boy told them what had happened
+they all wanted dad to ask them questions. I told the boys dad was
+Andrew Carnegie, and that he was giving away millions of dollars, so
+when dad got to the gate of the beautiful H'astor place, the boys yelled
+Andrew Carnegie, and a flunkey flunked the gate open and dad and I went
+in, and walked up to the house. Astor was on the veranda, smoking a
+Missouri corn cob pipe, and drinking American beer, and seemed to
+be wishing he was back home in America. Dad marched right up to the
+veranda, like a veteran soldier, and Astor could see dad was an American
+by the dandruff on his coat collar, and Astor said, “You are an American
+citizen and you are welcome. Once I was like you, and didn't care a
+continental dam for anybody, but in a moment of passion I renounced my
+country, swore allegiance to this blawsted country, and everybody hates
+me here, and I don't dare go home to collect my rent for fear I will be
+quarantined at Ellis Island and sent back to England as an undesirable
+emigrant who has committed a crime, and is not welcome in the land where
+I was born. Old man, have a glass of Milwaukee beer and let's talk of
+your home and my birthplace, and forget that there is such a country as
+England.” Dad sat down on the porch, and I went out on the lawn chasing
+peacocks and treeing guinea hens, and setting dogs on the swans, until a
+butler or a duke or something took me by the collar and shook me till my
+teeth got loose, and he took me back to the veranda and sat me down on
+the bottom step so hard my hair raised right up stiff, like a porcupine.
+Then I listened to dad and Astor talk about America, and I never saw a
+man who seemed to be so ashamed that he was a brevet Englishman, as he
+did. He said he had so much money that it made his headache to hear the
+interest accumulate, nights, when he couldn't sleep, and yet he had no
+more enjoyment than Dreyfus did on Devil's Island. He had automobiles
+that would fill our exposition building, horses and carriages by the
+score, but he never enjoyed a ride about London, because only one person
+in ten thousand knew him, and those who did looked upon him with pity
+and contempt because he had renounced his country to get solid with the
+English aristocracy, and nobody would speak to him unless they wanted to
+borrow money, and if they did borrow money from him he was afraid they
+would pay it back, and make him trouble counting it. He told dad he
+wanted to get back into America, and become a citizen again of that
+grand old country of the stars and stripes, and asked dad how he could
+do it, for he said he had rather work in a slaughter house in America
+than be a grand duke in England. I never saw dad look so sorry for a man
+as he did for Astor, and he told him the only way was to sell out his
+ranch in London and go back on an emigrant ship, take out his first
+papers, vote the democratic ticket and eventually become a citizen.
+Astor was thinking over the proposition, and dad had asked him if he
+was not afraid of dynamiters, when he shuddered and said every day he
+expected to be blown sky high, and finally he smelled something burning
+and said the smell reminded him of an American 4th of July. You see, I
+had been sitting still on the step of the veranda so long I got nervous,
+for something exciting, so I took a giant firecracker out of my
+pocket and lit the long tail, and shoved it under the porch and looked
+innocent, and just then one of the flunkies with the tightest pants you
+ever saw came along and patted me on the head and said I was a nice boy,
+and that made me mad, and when he went to sit down beside me on the step
+I took my horse chestnut out of my pocket and put it on the step just
+where he sat down, and how it happened to come out so I don't know, it
+must have been Providence.
+
+[Illustration: Now I lay me down to sleep 094]
+
+You see just as the flunkey flunked on the chestnut burr, the fire
+cracker went off, and the man jumped up and said '“Ells-fire, h'am
+blowed,” and he had his hands on his pants, and the air was full of
+smoke, and dad got on his knees and said, “Now I lay me,” and Mr. Astor
+fainted all over a rocking chair and tipped beer bottles on the veranda
+and more than forty servants came, and I told dad to come on, and we got
+outside the gate, ahead of the police, and got a cab and drove quicker
+than scat to the hotel, and I ast dad what he thought it was that went
+off, and he said “You can search me,” but he said he had got enough of
+trying to reform escaped Americans, and we got in the hotel and laid
+low, and the newspapers told about a dynamite outrage, and laid it to
+anarchists. Well I must close, cause we are going to see the American
+minister and get a date to meet King' Edward. We won't do a thing to
+Edward.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the
+     Whitechapel District--He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower
+     of London.
+
+London, England.--My Dear Chum: I received your letter yesterday, and it
+made me homesick. Gee, but if I could be home there with you and go down
+to the swimming hole and get in all over, and play tag in the sand, and
+tie some boy's pants and shirt in knots, and yell that the police are
+coming, and all grab our clothes under our arms and run across lots with
+no clothes on, and get in a barn and put on our clothes, and dry our
+hair by pounding it with a stick, so we would not get licked when we got
+home, life would be worth living, but here all I do is to dodge people
+on the streets and see them look cross when they step on me.
+
+Say, boy, you will never know your luck in being a citizen of good old
+America, instead of a subject of Great Britain, because you have got
+to be rich or be hungry here, and if you are too rich you have got no
+appetite. You have heard of the roast beef of old England, but nobody
+eats it but the dukes and bankers. The working men never even saw
+a picture of a roast beef, and yet we look upon all Englishmen as
+beef-eaters, but three-fourths of the people in this town look hungry
+and discouraged, and they never seem to know whether they are going to
+have any supper.
+
+I went down to a market this morning where the middle class and the very
+poor people buy their supplies, and it would make you sick to see them.
+They buy small loaves of bread and a penny's worth of tea, and that is
+breakfast, and if a man is working he takes some of the bread to work
+for lunch, and the wife or mother buys a carrot or a quarter of a
+cabbage, and maybe a bone with a piece of meat about as big as a fish
+bait, and that makes supper, with a growler of beer.
+
+Say, the chunk of meat with a bone that an American butcher would throw
+at a dog that he had never been introduced to would be a banquet for a
+large family over here.
+
+I have been down into the White Chapel district, which is the Five
+Points of London, and of the thousands of tough people I saw there
+was not a man but looked as though he would cut your liver out for a
+shilling, and every woman was drunk on gin. What there is about gin that
+makes it the national beverage for bad people beats me, for it looks
+like water, tastes like medicine and smells like cold storage eggs. At
+home when a person takes a drink of beer or whisky he at least looks
+happy for a minute, and maybe he laughs, but here nobody laughs unless
+somebody gets hurt, and that seems to tickle everybody in the White
+Chapel district.
+
+The people look mad and savage when they are not drinking, as though
+they were only looking for an opportunity to commit murder, and then
+when they take a drink of gin, instead of smiling and smacking their
+lips as though it was good and braced them up, they look as though
+they had been stabbed with a dirk and they put on a look of revenge,
+as though they would like to wring a child's neck or cut holes in the
+people they meet.
+
+Two drinks of gin makes a man or woman look as though they had swallowed
+a buzz saw. I always thought drinking liquor made people think they were
+enjoying themselves, or that they took it to drive away care and make
+them forget their sorrows, but when these people drink gin they seem
+to do it the way an American drinks carbolic acid, to end the whole
+business quick.
+
+At home the drinker drinks to make him feel like he was at a picnic.
+Here every drinker acts like a suicide, who only hopes that he may
+commit a murder before the gin ends his career. And there are hundreds
+of thousands of people in this town who have no ambition except to get
+a bit of bread to sustain them till they can get a drink of gin, and
+gradually they let up on bread entirely and feed on gin, and look like
+mad dogs and snarl at everybody they see, as much as to say: “What are
+you going to do about it?”
+
+[Illustration: Snarl at everybody they see 101]
+
+A good square American meal would give them a fit, and they would go to
+a hospital and die if the meal could not be got out of them.
+
+Gosh, but I was glad to get out of the White Chapel district, and I kept
+looking back for fear one of the men or women would slit me up the back
+with a butcher knife, and laugh like an insane asylum inmate.
+
+Do you know, those people who drink gin and go hungry are different from
+our American murderers. Our murderers will assault you with a smile, rob
+you with a joke on their tongue's end, and give you back car fare when
+they hold you up, and if they murder you they will do it easy and lay
+you out with your hands across on your breast and notify the coroner,
+but your White Chapel murderer wants to disembowel you and cut you up
+into chunks, and throw your remains head first into something nasty,
+and if you have money enough on your person to buy a bottle of gin your
+murderer is as well satisfied as though he got a roll. Some men in our
+country commit murders in order to get money to lay away so they can
+live a nice, respectable life and be good ever afterwards, but your slum
+murderer in London just kills because his stomach craves a drink, and
+when he gets it he is tame, like a tiger that has eaten a native of
+India.
+
+You may think this letter is a solemn occasion because I tell you about
+things that are not funny, but if you ever traveled abroad you will find
+that there is no fun anywhere except in America unless you make it or
+buy it.
+
+We are taking in the solemn things first in order to get dad's mind in a
+condition so he can be cured of things he thinks ail him. I took dad to
+the Tower of London, and when we got out of it he wanted to have America
+interfere and have the confounded place burned down and grass sown on
+the site and a park made of it.
+
+The tower covers 13 acres of ground, and there are more things brought
+to a visitor's attention that ought to be forgotten than you ever
+thought about.
+
+I remember attending the theater at home and seeing Richard the Third
+played, and I remember how my sympathies were aroused for the two little
+boy princes that were murdered by Richard the Third, but I thought it
+was a fake play, and that there was nothing true about it, but, by gosh,
+it was right here in the Tower of London that the old hump-backed cuss
+murdered those little princes, and dad and I stood right on the spot,
+and the beef-eater who showed us around told us all the particulars. Dad
+was indignant, and said to the beef-eater:
+
+[Illustration: Stood around and let Richard kill those princes 098]
+
+“Do you mean to tell me you stood around and let Richard kill those
+princes without uttering a protest or protecting them or ringing for
+the police? By the great hornspoon, you must have been accessory to the
+fact, and you ought to be arrested and hung,” and dad pounded his cane
+on the stone floor and looked savage.
+
+The beef-eater got red in the face and said: “Begging your pardon, don't
+you know, but h'l was not 'ere at the time. This 'istory was made six
+'undred years ago.”
+
+Dad begged the man's pardon and told him he supposed the boys were
+murdered a year or two ago, and he gave the beef-eater a dollar, and he
+was so gratified I think he would have had a murder committed for dad
+right there and then if dad had insisted on it.
+
+You feel in going through the tower like you was in an American
+slaughter house, for it was here that kings and queens were beheaded
+by the dozen. They showed us axes that were used to behead people, and
+blocks that the heads of the victims were laid on, and the places where
+the heads fell on the floor. It seemed that in olden times when a king
+or a queen got too gay, the anti-kings or queens would go to the palace
+and catch the king or queen in the act, and take them by the neck and
+hustle them to the tower, and when a king or queen got in the tower they
+went out on the installment plan, and after being thrown in the gutter
+for the mob to recognize, and walk on the bodies, they would bring
+them back in the tower, and seal them up in a pigeon hole for future
+generations to cry over.
+
+All my life I have had in our house to look at a picture of beautiful
+Anne Boleyn, and here I stood right where her head was cut off, and I
+couldn't help thinking of how we in America got our civilization from
+the descendants of the English people who cut her head off.
+
+By ginger, old chum, it made me hot. I didn't care to look at the old
+armor, or the crown jewels, which make you think of a cut glass factory,
+but I reveled in the scenes of the beheading. I never was stuck much
+on kings and queens, but it seems to me if they had to murder them they
+ought to have given 'em a show, and let them fight for their lives,
+instead of getting into a trap, like you would entice a rat with cheese,
+and then cut their heads off.
+
+I suppose it is right here that we inherited the desire to lynch and
+burn at the stake the negroes that commit crime and won't confess at
+home. When anything is born in the blood you can't get rid of it without
+taking a dose of patriotism and purifying the blood, and I advise you
+never to visit the Tower of London, unless you want to feel like going
+out and killing some one that is tied up with a rope.
+
+Hearing of these murders and seeing the place where they were committed
+does not give you an idea of fair play and you don't feel like taking
+some one of your size when you fight, but you get to thinking that if
+you could catch a cripple who couldn't defend himself you would like to
+take a baseball club and maul the stuffing out of him. You become imbued
+with the idea that if you went to war you would not want to stand up
+and fight fair, but that you would like to get your enemy in a bunch
+and drop dynamite down on him from a balloon, and kill all in sight, and
+sail away with an insane laugh.
+
+Gee, but another day in this tower, and I would want to go home and
+murder ma, or the neighbors.
+
+The only thing we have got in America that compares with the Tower of
+London and its associates is the Leutgert sausage factory in Chicago,
+where Leutgert got his wife into the factory, murdered her, and is
+alleged to have cut her up in pieces and made sausage of the meat, given
+the pieces with gristle in to his dogs, boiled the bones until they
+would run into the sewer, dissolved the remnants in concentrated lye,
+and sold the sausage to the lumber Jacks in the pine woods.
+
+I expect Chicago will buy that sausage factory and make a show of it, as
+London does the tower, and you can go and see it, and feel that you are
+as full of modern history as I am of ancient history, here in London.
+
+I could see that dad was getting nervous every time a new beheading
+was described to us, and I thought it was time to wake him up. In going
+through the room where the old armor was displayed the beef eater told
+us who wore the different pieces of armor, and he said at times the
+spirit of the dead came back to the tower and occupied the armor, and
+I noticed that dad shied at some of the pieces of armor, so when we got
+right into the midst of it, and there was armor on every side, and dad
+and the beef eater were ahead of me, and dad was walking fast in order
+to get out quick, I pushed over one of the pieces, and it went crashing
+to the floor and the noise was like a boiler factory exploding, and the
+dust of centuries rose up, and the noise echoed down the halls.
+
+Well, you'd a died to see dad and the beef eater. Dad turned pale and
+got down on his knees, and I think he began to pray, if he knows how,
+and he trembled like a leaf, and the beef eater got behind a set of
+armor that Cromwell or some old duck used to wear, and said, “Wot in
+the bloody 'ell is the matter with the h'armor?” and then a lot of other
+beef eaters came, and they thought dad was the spirit of King John, and
+they stampeded, and finally I got dad to stop praying, or whatever it
+was that he was doing, and I led him out, and when he got into the open
+air he recovered and said. “'Ennery, 'hi have got to get out of Lunnon,
+don't you know, because me 'eart is palpitating,” and we went back to
+the 'otel, to see if our invitation to visit King Hedward had arrived.
+
+[Illustration: Beefeater's stampede 107]
+
+Say, we are getting so we talk just like English coachmen, and you won't
+hundredstand us when we get 'ome. Yours, with a haccent.
+
+'Ennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost
+     Settle the Irish Question.
+
+London, H-england.--Dear Uncle Ezra: The worst is over, and dad and I
+have both touched a king. Not the way you think, touching a king for a
+hand-out, or borrowing his loose change, the way you used to touch dad
+when you had to pay for your goods, but just taking hold of his hand and
+shaking it in good old United States fashion.
+
+The American minister arranged it for us. He told somebody that Peck's
+Bad Boy and his dad were in town, and just wanted to size up a king and
+see how he averaged up with United States politicians, and the king set
+an hour for us to call.
+
+Well, you'd a dide to see dad fix up. Everybody said, when we showed our
+card at the hotel, notifying us that we were expected at Marlboro House
+at such a time, that we would be expected to put on plenty of dog. That
+is what an American from Kalamazoo, who sells breakfast food, said,
+and the hotel people said we would be obliged to wear knee breeches
+and dancing pumps and silk socks, and all that kind of rot, and men's
+furnishers began to call upon us to take our measure for clothes, but
+when they told us how much it would cost, dad kicked. He said he had
+a golf suit he had made in Oshkosh at the time of the tournament, that
+every one in Oshkosh said was out of sight, and was good enough for
+any king, and so he rigged up in it, and I hired a suit at a masquerade
+place, and dad hired a coat, kind of red, to go with his golf pants and
+socks, and he wore canvas tennis shoes.
+
+[Illustration: Suit he had made in Oshkosh 111]
+
+I looked like a picture out of a fourteenth century book, but dad looked
+like a clown in a circus. One of dad's calves made him look as though he
+had a milk leg, cause the padding would not stay around where the calf
+ought to be, but worked around towards his shin. We went to Marlboro
+House in a hansom cab, and all the way there the driver kept looking
+down from the hurricane deck, through the scuttle hole, to see if we
+were there yet, and he must have talked with other cab drivers in sign
+language about us, for every driver kept along with us, looked at us and
+laughed, as though we were a wild west show.
+
+On the way to the king's residence it was all I could do to keep dad
+braced up to go through the ordeal. He was brave enough before we got
+the invitation, and told what he was going to say to the king, and you
+would think he wasn't afraid of anybody, but when we got nearer to the
+house and dad thought of going up to the throne and seeing a king in all
+his glory, surrounded by his hundreds of lords and dukes and things, a
+crown on his head, and an ermine cloak trimmed with red velvet, and a
+six-quart milk pan full of diamonds, some of them as big as a chunk of
+alum, dad weakened, and wanted to give the whole thing up and go to a
+matinee, but I wouldn't have it, and told him if he didn't get into the
+king row now that I would shake him right there in London and start in
+business as a Claude Duval highwayman and hold up stage coaches, and
+be hung on Tyburn Tree, as I used to read about in my history of
+Sixteen-String Jack and other English highwaymen. Dad didn't want to see
+the family disgraced, so he let the cabman drive on, but he said if
+we got out of this visit to royalty alive, it was the last tommyrot he
+would indulge in.
+
+Well, old man, it is like having an operation for appendicitis, you feel
+better when you come out from under the influence of the chloroform and
+the doctor shows you what they took out of you, and you feel that you
+are going to live, unless you grow another vermiform appendix. We were
+driven into a sort of Central park, and up to a building that was big
+as a lot of exposition buildings, and the servants took us in charge and
+walked us through long rooms covered with pictures as big as side show
+pictures at a circus, but instead of snake charmers and snakes and wild
+men of Borneo and sword swallowers, the king's pictures were about war,
+and women without much clothes on from the belt up. Gosh, but some of
+those pictures made you think you could hear the roar of battle and
+smell gun powder, and dad acted as though he wanted to git right down on
+the marble floor and dig a rifle pit big enough to git into.
+
+They walked us around like they do when you are being initiated into a
+secret society, only they didn't sing, “Here comes the Lobster,” and hit
+you with a dried bladder. The servants that were conducting us laffed.
+I had never seen an Englishman laff before, and it was the most
+interesting thing I saw in London. Most Englishmen look sorry about
+something, as though some dear friend died every day, and their faces
+seem to have grown that way. So when they laff it seems as though the
+wrinkles would stay there, unless they treated their faces with massage.
+They were laughing at dad's dislocated calf, and his scared appearance,
+as though he was going to receive the thirty-second degree, and didn't
+know whether they were going to throw him over a precipice or pull him
+up to the roof by the hind legs. We passed a big hall clock, and it
+struck just when we were near it, and of all the “Hark, from the tombs”
+ sounds I ever heard, that clock took the cake. Dad thought it sounded
+like a death knell, and he would have welcomed the turning in of a fire
+alarm as a sound that meant life everlasting, beside that doleful sound.
+
+After we had marched about three mile heats, and passed the chairs of
+the noble grand and the senior warden, and the exalted ruler, we came to
+a bronze door as big as the gate to a cemetery, and the grand conductor
+gave us a few instructions about how to back out fifteen feet from the
+presence of the king, when we were dismissed, and then he turned us over
+to a little man who was a grand chambermaid, I understood the fellow
+to say. The door opened, and we went in, and dad's misplaced calf was
+wobbling as though he had locomotor attacks-ye.
+
+Well, there were a dozen or so fellows standing around, and they all had
+on some kind of uniforms, with gold badges on their breasts, and in the
+midst of them was a little, sawed-off fat fellow, not taller than five
+feet six, but a perfect picture of the cigar advertisements of America
+for a cigar named after the king. I expected to see a king as big as
+Long John Wentworth of Chicago, a great big fellow that could take a
+small man by the collar and throw him over a house, and I felt hurt at
+the small size of the king of Great Britain, but, gosh, he is just like
+a Yankee, when you get the formality shook off.
+
+We bowed and dad made a courtesy like an old woman, and the king came
+forward with a smile that ought to be imitated by every Englishman. They
+all imitate his clothes and his hats and his shoes, but he seems to be
+the only Englishman that smiles. Maybe it is patented, and nobody has a
+right to smile without paying a royalty, but the good-natured smile of
+King Edward is worth more than stomach bitters, and the English ought
+to be allowed to copy it. There is no more solemn thing than a party of
+Englishmen together in America, unless it is a party of speculators
+that are short on wheat, or a gathering of defeated politicians when the
+election returns come in. But the king is as jolly as though he had not
+a note coming due at the bank, and you would think he was a good, common
+citizen, after working hours, at a round beer table, with two schooner
+loads in the hold and another schooner on the way, frothing over the top
+of the stein. That is the feeling I had for the king when he came up
+to us and greeted dad as the father of the bad boy and patted me on the
+shoulder and said: “And so you are the boy that has made more trouble
+than any boy in the world, and had more fun than anybody, and made
+them all stand around and wonder what was coming next. You're a wonder.
+Strange the American people never thought of killing you.” I said
+yessir, and tried to look innocent, and then the king told dad to sit
+down, and for me to come and stand by his knee, and by ginger, when
+he patted me on the cheek, and his soft hand squeezed my hand, and he
+looked into my eyes with the most winning expression, I did not wonder
+that all the women were in love with him, and that all Englishmen would
+die for him.
+
+He asked dad all about America, its institutions, the president, and
+everything, and dad was just so flustered that he couldn't say much,
+until the king said something about the war between the States, in which
+the southern states achieved a victory. I don't know whether the king
+said that just to wake dad up, 'cause dad had a grand army button on his
+coat, but dad choked up a little, and then began to explode, a little at
+a time, like a bunch of firecrackers, and finally he went off all in a
+bunch. Dad said: “Look a here, Mr. King, some one has got you all balled
+up about that war. I know, because I was in it, and now the north and
+the south are United, and can whip any country that wants to fight a
+champion, and will go out and get a reputation, by gosh!”
+
+The king laughed at touching dad off, and asked dad what was the matter
+of America and Great Britain getting together and making all nations
+know when they had better keep their places, and quit talking about
+fighting. Dad said he never would consent to America and Great Britain
+getting together to fight any country until Ireland got justice and
+was ready to come into camp on an equality, and the king said he would
+answer for the Irishmen of Ireland if dad would pledge the Irishmen of
+America, 'cause we had about as many Irishmen in America as he had in
+Ireland, and dad said if the king would give Ireland what she asked for,
+he would see that the Irishmen in America would sing God Save the King.
+
+[Illustration: Settling the Irish question 115]
+
+I guess dad and the king would have settled the Irish question in
+about fifteen minutes, and signed a treaty, only a servant brought in a
+two-quart bottle of champagne, and dad and the king hadn't drank a quart
+apiece before dad started to sing “My Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land
+of Libertee,” and the king sang “God Save the King,” and, by thunder, it
+was the same tune, and tears came into dad's eyes, and the king took out
+his handkerchief and wiped his nose, and I bellered right out, and the
+king rose and offered a toast to America and everybody in it, and they
+swallered it, and dad said there was enough juice left in the bottle
+for one more round, and he proposed a toast to all the people of Great
+Britain, including the Irish and the king who loved them, and down she
+went, and they were standing up. And I told dad it was time to go.
+
+[Illustration: God save the king 119]
+
+Say, it was great, Uncle Ezra, and I wish you could have been there, and
+there had been another bottle. The only thing that happened to mar
+the reunion of dad and the king was when we were going out backwards,
+bowing. There was a little hassock back of me, and I kicked it back of
+dad, and when dad's heels struck it he went over backwards and struck
+on his golf pants, and dad said: “El, 'Ennery, I'ave broken my bloomink
+back, but who cares,” and when the servants picked dad up and took him
+out in the hall and marched us to the entrance, dad got in the cab, gave
+the grand hailing sign of distress, started to sing God save something
+or other, and went to sleep in the cab, and I took him to the hotel.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+[Illustration: He went over backwards 121]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen--They
+     Get a Taste of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story
+     of the Picklemaker's Daughter.
+
+London, England.--My Dear Old Skate: Well, if we are going to see any of
+the other countries on this side of the water before our return ticket
+expires, we have got to be getting a move on, and dad says in about
+a week we will be doing stunts in Paris that will bring about a
+revolution, and wind up the republic of France, and seat some nine-spot
+on the throne that Napoleon used to wear out his buckskin pants on.
+
+Dad asked me tother day what I cared most to see in London, and I told
+him I wanted to visit Newgate prison, and the places made famous by the
+bold highwaymen of a century or two ago. He thought I was daffy, but
+when I told him how I had read “Claude Duval” and “Six-teen-String Jack”
+ and all the highway literature, in the haymow, when dad thought I was
+weeding the garden, he confessed that he used to hunt those yellow
+covered books out of the manger when I was not reading them, and that
+he had read them all himself, when I thought he was studying for his
+campaign speeches, and so he said he would go with me. So we visited
+Homestead Heath, where Claude Duval used to ride “Black Bess,” and hold
+up people who traveled at night in post chaises, and we found splendid
+spots where there had been more highway robbery going on than any place
+east of Missouri, but I was disgusted when I thought what chumps those
+old highway robbers were, compared to the American highway robbers and
+hold up men of the present day.
+
+In Claude Duval's time he had a brace of flintlock pistols, which he had
+to examine the priming every time a victim showed up, and while he
+was polite when he robbed a duchess, he used to kill people all right,
+though if they had had cameras at that time the flash from the priming
+pan would have taken a flash-light picture of the robber, so he could
+have been identified when he rode off in the night to a roadside inn and
+filled up on beer, while he counted the ten shillings he had taken from
+the silk purse of the victim. Why, one of our American gangs that hold
+up a train, and get an express safe full of greenbacks, and shoots up
+a mess of railroad hands and passengers with Winchesters and automatic
+pistols, and blows up cars with dynamite and gets away and has to have
+a bookkeeper and a cashier to keep their bank accounts straight, could
+give those old Claude Duvals and Sixteen-String Jacks cards and spades.
+
+But civilization, dad says, has done much for the highway robbery
+business, and he says we in America have arrived at absolute perfection.
+However, I was much interested in looking over the ground where my first
+heroes lived and died, and did business, and when we went to the prisons
+where they were confined, and were shown where Tyburn Tree stood, that
+so many of them were hung on, tears came to my eyes at the thought that
+I was on the sacred ground where my heroes croaked, and went to their
+deaths with smiles on their faces, and polite to the last. The guard who
+showed us around thought that dad and I were relatives of the deceased
+highwaymen, and when we went away he said to dad: “Call again, Mr.
+Duval. Always glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes. What
+line of robbery are you in, Mr. Duval?” Dad was mad, but he told
+the guard he was now on the stock exchange, and so we maintained the
+reputation of the family.
+
+[Illustration: Glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes 126]
+
+Then we hired horses and took a horse back ride through Rotten Row,
+where everybody in London that has the price, rides a horse, and no
+carriages are allowed. Dad was an old cavalry man forty years ago,
+and he is stuck on his shape when he is on a horse, but he came near
+breaking up the horse back parade the day we went for the ride. The
+liveryman gave us two bob-tailed nags, a big one for dad and a small one
+for me, but they didn't have any army saddle for dad, and he had to ride
+on one of these little English saddles, such as jockeys ride races on,
+and dad is so big where he sits on a saddle that you couldn't see the
+saddle, and I guess they gave dad a hurdle jumper, because when we got
+right amongst the riders, men and women, his horse began to act up, and
+some one yelled, “Tally-ho,” and that is something about fox hunting,
+not a coach, and the horse jumped a fence and dad rolled off over the
+bowsprit and went into a ditch of dirty water.
+
+[Illustration: Dad rolled off over the bowsprit 128]
+
+The horse went off across a field, and the policeman fished dad out of
+the ditch, and run him through a clothes wringer or something, and got
+him dried out, and sent him to the hotel in an express wagon, and I rode
+my horse back to the liveryman and told him what happened to dad, and
+they locked me up in a box stall until somebody found the horse, 'cause
+they thought dad was a horse thief, and they held me for ransom. But dad
+came around before night and paid my ransom, and we were released. Dad
+says Rotten Row is rotten, all right enough, and by ginger it is, 'cause
+he has not got the smell of that ditch off his clothes yet.
+
+Now he has got a new idea, and that is to go to some country where there
+are bandits, different from the bandits here in London, and be captured
+and taken to the mountain fastnesses, and held for ransom until our
+government makes a fuss about it, and sends warships after-us. I tell
+dad it would be just our luck to have our government fail to try to get
+us, and the bandits might cut our heads off and stick them on a pole
+as a warning to people not to travel unless they had a ransom concealed
+about their clothes. But dad says he is out to see all the sights, and
+he is going to be ransomed before he gets home, if it takes every dollar
+our government has got. I think he is going to work the bandit racket
+when we get to Turkey, but, by ginger, he can leave me at a convent,
+because I don't want one of those crooked sabers run into me and turned
+around like a corkscrew. Dad says I can stay in a harem while he goes to
+the mountains with the bandits, and I don't know as I care, as they say
+a harem is the most interesting place in Turkey. You know the pictures
+we have studied in the old grocery, where a whole bunch of beautiful
+women are practicing using soap in a marble bath.
+
+Well, don't you say anything to ma about it, but dad has got his foot
+in it clear up to the top button. It isn't anything scandalous, though
+there is a woman at the bottom of it. You see, we used to know a girl
+that left home to go out into the world and earn her own living. She
+elocuted some at private parties and sanitariums, to entertain people
+that were daffy, and were on the verge of getting permanent bats in
+their belfry, and after a few years she got on the stage, and made
+a bunch of money, and went abroad. And then she had married a titled
+person, and everybody supposed she was a duchess, or a countess, and ma
+wanted us to inquire about her when we got over here. Ma didn't want us
+to go and hunt her up to board with her, or anything, but just to get
+a glimpse of high life, and see if our poor little friend was doing
+herself proud in her new station in life.
+
+[Illustration: Isn't money enough in the whole family to wad a gun 131]
+
+Gee, but dad found her, and she ain't any more of a duchess than I am.
+Her husband is a younger son of a titled person, but there isn't money
+enough in the whole family to wad a gun, and our poor girl is working in
+a shop, or store, selling corsets to support a lazy, drunken husband and
+a whole mess of children, and while she is seven removes from a duchess,
+she does not rank with the woman who washes her mother's clothes at
+home. Gosh, but dad was hot when he found her, and after she told him
+about her situation in life he gave her a yellow-backed fifty-dollar
+bill, and came back to the hotel mad, and wanted to pack up and go
+somewhere else, where he didn't know any titled-persons.
+
+That night a couple of dukes came around to the hotel to sell dad some
+stock in a diamond mine in South Africa, and they got to talking about
+how English society held over our crude American society, until dad got
+an addition to the mad he had when he called on our girl, and when one
+of the dukes said America was being helped socially by the marriage
+of American women to titled persons, dad got a hot box, like a stalled
+freight train.
+
+Says dad, says he: “You Johnnies are a lot of confidence men, who live
+only to rope in rich American girls, so you can marry them and have
+their dads lift the mortgages on your ancestral estates, and put on tin
+roofs in place of the mortgages, 'cause a mortgage will not shed rain,
+and you get their money and spend it on other women.” One of the dukes
+turned red like a lobster, and I think he is a lobster, anyway, and he
+was going to make dad stop talking, but the duke didn't know dad, and he
+continued. Says dad, says he: “I know a rich old man in the States, who
+made ten million dollars on pickles, or breakfast food, and he had a
+daughter that was so homely they couldn't keep a clock going in the
+house.
+
+“She came over here and got exposed to a duke, and she had never been
+vaccinated, and the first her father knew she caught the duke, and came;
+home, and he followed her. Say, he didn't know enough to pound sand, and
+the old man got several doctors for her, but they couldn't break up the
+duke fever, and finally the old pickle citizen asked him how much the
+mortgage was, and how much they could live on, and he bought her the
+duke, and sent them off, and the duke covered his castle with building
+paper, so it would hold water, and they set up housekeeping with a
+hundred servants. Then the duke wanted a racing stable, after the baby
+came, and the old pickle man went over to see the baby, and it looked
+so much like the old man that he invested in a racing stable, and the
+servants bowed low to the old man and called him 'Your 'ighness,'
+and that settled the old pickle person, and he fell into the trap of
+building a townhouse in London.
+
+“Then he went home and made some more pickles, and the daughter cabled
+him to come right over, as they had been invited to entertain the king
+and a lot of other face cards in the pack. And the old man thought it
+would be great to get in the king row himself, so he shoveled a lot of
+big bills into some packing trunks and went over to fix up for the king.
+The castle had to be redecorated for about six miles, up one corridor
+and down the other, but Old Pickles stood the raise, because he thought
+it would be worth the money to be on terms of intimacy with a king.
+
+“Then when it was all ready, and the old man was going to stand at the
+front door and welcome the king, they made him go to his room, back
+about a half a mile in the rear of the castle, and for two weeks old
+Pickles had his meals brought to his room, and when it was over, and
+his sentence had expired, he was let out, and all he saw of the grand
+entertainment to the crowned heads was a ravine full of empty wine
+bottles, a case of jimjams for a son-in-law, a case of nervous
+prostration for a daughter, and hydrophobia for himself. My old pickle
+friend has got, at this date, three million good pickle dollars invested
+in your d--d island, and all he has to show for it is a sick daughter,
+neglected by a featherhead of a husband, who will only speak to old
+pickles when he wants more money, and a grandchild that may die teething
+at any time. You are a nice lot of ducks to talk to me about your
+English society being better than our American civilization. You get,”
+ and dad drove the dukes out.
+
+[Illustration: Dad drove the dukes out 135]
+
+I think they are going to have dad arrested for treason. But don't tell
+ma, 'cause she may think treason serious.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+     The Bay Boy Writes About Paris--Tells About the Trip Across
+     the English Channel--Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested.
+
+Paris, France.--My Dear Uncle Ezra: Dad is in an awful state here, and I
+do not know what to do with him. We struck this town all in a heap, and
+the people seemed to be paralyzed so they couldn't speak, except to make
+motions and make noises that we could not interpret. This is the
+first time dad and I have been in a place where nobody understood our
+language. Ordinarily we would take pleasure in teaching people to speak
+the English language, but in coming across the English channel dad and
+I both got something we never got on the water before. Ordinary
+seasickness is only an incident, that makes you wish you were dead--just
+temporary, but when it wears off you can enjoy your religion and
+victuals as well as ever, but the seasickness that the English channel
+gives you is a permanent investment, like government bonds that you cut
+coupons off of. I 'spect we shall be sick always now, and worse every
+other day, like chills and fever.
+
+Say, a boat on the English channel does not roll, or pitch, at
+intervals, like a boat on ordinary water, but it does stunts like a
+broncho that has been poisoned by eating loco-weeds, and goes into the
+air and dives down under, and shakes itself like a black bass with a
+hook in its mouth, and rolls over like a trained dog, and sits up on its
+hind legs and begs, and then walks on its fore paws, and seems to jump
+through hoops, and dig for woodchucks, and all the time the water boils
+like 'pollinarius, full of bubbles, and it gives you the hiccups to look
+at it, and it flows every way at the same time, and the wind comes from
+the fourteen quarters at once, and blows hot if you are too hot and want
+a cool breeze, and if you are too cold, and want a warm breeze to keep
+you alive, it comes right from the north pole, and you just perish in
+your tracks.
+
+Gee, but it is awful. When you get seasick on an ordinary ocean, you
+know where to locate the disease, and you know where to go for relief,
+and when you have got relieved you know that you are alive, but an
+English channel seasickness is as different from any other as an
+alcohol jag is different from a champagne drunk. This English channel
+seasickness begins on your toes, and you feel as though the toenails
+were being pulled out with pincers, and the veins in your legs seem to
+explode, your arms wilt like lettuce in front of a cheap grocery, your
+head seems to be struck with a pile-driver and telescoped down into your
+spine, and your stomach feels as though you had swallowed a telephone
+pole with all of the cross arms and wires and glass insulators, and you
+wish lightning would strike you. Gosh, but dad was hot when he found
+that he was sick that way, and when we got ashore he wanted to kill the
+first man he met.
+
+He thinks that it is a crime for a man not to understand the English
+language, and when he tells what he wants, and the man he is talking to
+shrugs his shoulders and laughs, and brings him something else, he wants
+to pull his gun and begin to shoot up the town, and only for me he would
+have killed people before this, but now he takes it out in scowling at
+people who do not understand him. Dad seems to think that if he cannot
+make a man understand what he says, all he has to do is to swear at the
+man, but there is no universal language of profanity, so the more dad
+swears the more the nervous Frenchman smiles, and acts polite.
+
+I think the French people are the politest folks I ever knew. If a
+Frenchman had to kick a person out of doors, he would wear a felt
+slipper, and after he had kicked you he would place his hand on his
+heart, and bow, and look so sorry, and hurt, that you would want to give
+him a tip.
+
+O, but this tipping business is what is breaking dad's heart. I think
+if the servants would arrange a syndicate to rob dad of two or three dol
+lars a day, by pocket picking, or sneak thieving, he would overlook
+it, and say that as long as it was one of the customs of the country
+we should have to submit to it, but when he has paid his bill, with
+everything charged extra, and the servants line up and look appealingly,
+or mad, as the case may be, dad is the hardest man to loosen that ever
+was, but if they seem to look the other way, and not, apparently, care
+whether they get a cent or not, dad would go and hunt them up, and
+divide his roll with them. Dad is not what you would call a “tight wad,”
+ if you let him shed his money normally, when he feels the loosening
+coming on, but you try to work him by bowing and cringing, and his
+American spirit gets the better of him, and he looks upon the servant as
+pretty low down. I have told him that the tipping habit is just as bad
+in America as in France, but he says in America the servant acts as
+though he never had such a thought as getting a tip, and when you give
+him a quarter or other tip he looks puzzled, as though he did not just
+recall what he had done to merit such treatment, but finally puts the
+money in his pocket with an air as though he would accept it in trust,
+to be given to some deserving person at the first opportunity, and then
+he smiles, and gets away, and blows in the tip for something wet and
+strong.
+
+I told dad if he would just ignore the servants, as though he did not
+understand that they expected a tip, that he would be all right, so when
+we got ready to move from the hotel to private rooms dad never gave any
+servant a tip. Well, I don't know what the servants did to our baggage,
+but they must have marked it with a smallpox sign, or something, for
+nobody would touch it for several hours, but finally a baggage man took
+it and started for our apartments, and got lost and didn't show up for
+two days, and when it was finally landed on the sidewalk nobody would
+carry it upstairs, and dad and I had to lug it up two flights, and I
+thought dad would have apoplexy.
+
+[Illustration: Coughs up a tip every time 143]
+
+We found a guide who could talk New Orleans English and he said it would
+cost three dollars to square it with the servants at the hotel, and have
+the boycott removed from our baggage, and dad paid it, and now he coughs
+up a tip every time he sees a servant look at him. He pays when he goes
+in a restaurant and when he comes out, and says he is cured of trying to
+reform the customs of anybody else's country.
+
+We have engaged a guide to stay with us day and night. The guide took
+us out for a bat last night, and dad had the time of his life. Dad has
+drank a good deal of spiritous and malt liquors in his time, but I don't
+think he ever indulged much in champagne at three or four dollars a
+bottle at home. Maybe he has been saving himself up till he got over
+here, where champagne is cheap and it takes several quarts to make you
+see angels. The guide took us to one of these bullyvards, where there
+are tables out on the sidewalk, and you can eat and drink and look at
+the dukes and counts and dutchesses and things promenading up and down,
+flirting like sin, and we sat down to a table and ordered things to eat
+and drink, and dad looked like Uncle Sam, and felt his oats.
+
+[Illustration: A tone of voice that meant trouble 138]
+
+When he had drank a few thimblefuls of absinthe, and some champagne, and
+eat a plateful of frogs, he was just ripe for trouble. A woman and a man
+at an adjoining table had one of these white dogs that is sheared like
+a hedge fence, with spots of long hair left on in places, and dad coaxed
+the dog over to our table and began to feed him frogs' legs, and the
+woman began to talk French out loud, and look cross at dad, and the
+count that was with her came over to our table and looked at dad in
+a tone of voice that meant trouble, and said something sassy, and the
+guide said the man wanted to fight a duel because dad had contaminated
+the woman's dog, and dad got mad and offered to wipe out the whole
+place, and he got up with a champagne bottle and looked defiance at the
+count, and the waiters began to scatter, when the woman came up to dad
+and begged him not to hurt the count, and as she spoke broken English
+dad could understand her, and she looked so beautiful, and her eyes were
+filled with tears, and dad relented and said: “Don't cry, dear, I won't
+hurt the little runt.” She was so glad dad was not going to kill the
+count that she threw herself into his arms and thanked dear America
+for producing such a grand citizen, such a brave man as dad, who could
+forego the pleasure of killing a poor, weak man who had insulted him,
+particularly as dad's wild Indian ancestry made it hard for him to
+refrain from blood.
+
+[Illustration: I won't hurt the little runt 145]
+
+Well, dad's face was a study, as he braced up and held that 150 pounds
+of white meat in his arms, with all the people looking on, and he seemed
+proud and heroic, and he stroked her hair and told her not to worry, and
+finally she hied herself away from dad and the count took her away,
+and they went up the bullyvard, and after all was quiet again dad said:
+“Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. When you are tempted to commit a
+rash act and avenge an insult in blood, stop and think of the sorrow and
+shame that will come to you if you draw your gun too quick, and have a
+widow on your hands as the result. Suppose I had killed that shrimp, the
+face of his widow would have haunted me always, and I would have wanted
+to die. Don't ever kill anybody, my boy, if you can settle a dispute by
+shaking the dice.”
+
+Well, dad ordered some more wine, and as he drank it, he allowed
+the populace to admire him and say things about the great American
+millionaire, who spent money like water and was too brave to fight. Then
+dad called for his check to pay his bill, and when he felt in his pocket
+for his roll of bills, he hadn't a nickel and the woman, when she was in
+his arms, weeding with one hand, had gone through dad's pockets with the
+other. Dad felt for his watch, to see what time it was, and his watch
+was gone, and the waiter was waiting for the money and dad tried to
+explain that he had been buncoed, and the head waiter came and begun to
+act sassy, and then they called a policeman to stay by us till the money
+was produced, and everybody at the other tables laughed, and dad turned
+blue, and I thought he would have a fit. Finally, the guide began to
+talk, and the result was that a policeman went home with us, and dad
+found money enough to pay the bill, but he talked language that caused
+the landlady to ask us to find a new place.
+
+[Illustration: Tried to explain that he had been buncoed 148]
+
+The next morning the guide showed up with an officer who had a warrant
+for dad for hugging a woman in a public cafe, and it seemed as though we
+were in for it, but the guide said he could settle the whole business
+by paying the officer $20, and dad paid it and I think the guide and the
+officer divided the money. Say, this is the greatest town we have struck
+yet for excitement, and I guess dad will not have a chance to think of
+his sickness.
+
+This morning we went into a big department store, and, by gosh! we
+found the count that dad was going to fight was a floor-walker, and
+the countess was behind a counter selling soap. When dad saw the count
+leering at him, he put his hand on his pistol pocket and yelled a
+regular cowboy yell, and the count rushed down into the basement, the
+soap countess fainted, and the police took dad to the police station,
+and all day the guide and I have been trying to get him out on bail.
+If we get dad out of this we are going to put a muzzle on him. Well, if
+anyone asks you if I am having much of a time abroad, you can tell them
+the particulars.
+
+P. S.--We got dad out for $20 and costs, and he says he will blow Paris
+up before night. We are going up to the top of the Eiffel tower this
+afternoon, to count our money, as dad dasscnt take out his pocketbook
+anywhere on the ground for fear of being robbed.
+
+Yours full of frogs.
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+     The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris--Dad Poses as a
+     Mormon Bishop and Has to Be Rescued--They Climb the Eiffel
+     Tower and the Old Man Gets Converted.
+
+Paris, France.--Old Pardner in Crime: I got your letter, telling me
+about the political campaign that is raging at home, and when I read it
+to dad he wanted to go right out and fill up on campaign whisky and yell
+for his presidential candidate, but he couldn't find any whisky, so he
+has not tried to carry any precincts of Paris for our standard-bearer.
+
+There is something queer about the liquor here. There is no regular
+campaign beverage. At home you can select a drink that is appropriate
+for any stage of a campaign. When the nominations are first made you are
+not excited and beer and cheese sandwiches seem to fit the case A little
+later, when the orators begin to come out into the open and shake their
+hair, you take cocktails and your eyes begin to resemble those of a
+caged rat, and you are ready to quarrel with an opponent. The next stage
+in the campaign is the whisky stage, and when you have got plenty of it
+the campaign may be said to be open, and you wear black eyes and lose
+your teeth, and you swear strange oaths and smell of kerosene, and only
+sleep in the morning. Then election comes and if your side wins you
+drink all kinds of things at once for a week, shout hoarsely and then
+go to the Keeley cure, but if your party loses you stay home and take a
+course of treatment for nervous prostration and say you will never mix
+up in another campaign.
+
+Here in France it is different. The people have nervous prostration to
+start on, start a campaign on champagne, wind up on absinthe, and after
+the votes are counted go to an insane asylum. I do not know what first
+got dad to drink absinthe and I don't know what it is, but it looks like
+soap suds, tastes like seed cookies and smells like vermifuge. But it
+gets there just the same and the result of drinking it is about the same
+as the result of drinking anything in France--it makes you want to hug
+somebody.
+
+At home when a man gets full of whisky, he wants to hug the man he
+drinks with and weep on his collar, and then hit him on the head with
+a bottle; but here every kind of drink puts the drinker in condition to
+want to hug. Dad says he never knew he had a brain until he learned to
+drink absinthe, but now he can close his eyes and see things worse than
+any mince pie nightmare, and when we go out among people he never sees
+a man at all, but when a woman passes along, dad's eyes begin to take
+turns winking at them and it is all I can do to keep him from proposing
+marriage to every woman he sees.
+
+[Illustration: Badge on dad's breast, with the word “Bishop” 153]
+
+I thought I would break him of this woman foolishness, so I told
+everybody dad was a Mormon bishop, and had a grand palace at Salt Lake
+City, and owned millions of gold mines and tabernacles and wanted to
+marry a thousand women and take them to Utah and place them at the head
+of homes of their own, and he would just call once or twice a week and
+leave bags of gold for his wives to spend. A newspaper reporter, that
+could talk English, wrote a piece for a paper about dad wanting to marry
+a whole lot and he said life in Utah was better than a Turkish harem,
+cause the wives of a Mormon bishop did not have to be locked up and
+watched by unix, but could flirt and blow in money and go out to dances
+and have just as much fun as though they lived in Newport, and had got
+divorces from millionaires, and he said any woman who wanted to marry a
+Mormon bishop could meet dad on the bullyvard near a certain monument,
+on a certain day. I was on to it, with the reporter, and we hired a
+carriage and went to the bullyvard, just at the time the newspaper said
+and I put a big red badge on dad's breast, with the word “Bishop” on it,
+and dad had been drinking absinthe and he thought the badge was a kind
+of sign of nobility. Well, you'd adide to see the bunch of women that
+were there to meet dad. “What's the matter here?” said dad, as he
+saw the crowd of women, looking like they were there in answer to an
+advertisement for nurses. I told dad to stand up in the carriage, like
+Dowie does in Chicago, and hold out his hands and say: “Bless you, my
+children,” and when dad got up to bless them, the reporter and I got out
+of the carriage, and the reporter, which could talk French, said for all
+the women who wanted to be Mormon wives to get into the carriage with
+the bishop and be sealed for life.
+
+Well, sir, you'd a thought it was a remnant sale! More than a dozen got
+into the carriage with dad, and about 400 couldn't get in, but when the
+scared driver started up the horses, they all followed the carriage, and
+then the mounted police surrounded the whole bunch and moved them off
+towards the police station, and dad under the wagonload of females, each
+one trying to get the nearest to him, so as to be his favorite wife.
+
+It got noised around that a foreign potent-ate had been arrested with
+his whole harem for conduct unbecoming to a potent-ate, and so when
+we got to the jail dad had to be rescued from his wives, and they were
+driven into a side street by the police, and dad was locked up to save
+his life. The reporter and I went to the jail to get him out, but we had
+to buy a new suit of clothes for him, as everything was torn off him in
+the Mormon rush.
+
+[Illustration: Dad was a sight when we found him in jail 155]
+
+Dad was a sight when we found him in jail, and he thought his bones
+were broken, and he wanted to know what was the cause of his sudden
+popularity with the fair sex, and I told him it all came from his
+looking so confounded distinguished, and his flirting with women. He
+said he would swear he never looked at one of those women in a tone of
+voice that would deceive a Sunday school teacher, and he felt as though
+he was being misunderstood in France. We told him the only way to get
+out of jail was to say he was a crowned head from Oshkosh, traveling
+incog, and when he began to stand on his dignity and demand that a
+messenger be sent for the president of France, to apologize for the
+treatment he had received, the jailer and police begged his pardon and
+we dressed him up in his new clothes and got him out, and we went to the
+Eiffel tower to get some fresh air.
+
+I suppose you have seen pictures of the Eiffel tower, on the
+advertisements of breakfast food in your grocery, but you can form
+no idea of the height and magnificence of the tower by studying
+advertisements. You may think that the pictures you see of world events
+on your cans of baked beans and maple syrup and soap, give you the
+benefit of foreign travel, but it does not. You have got to see the
+real thing or you are not fit to even talk about what you think you have
+seen. You remember that Ferris wheel at the Chicago world's fair, and
+how we thought it was the greatest thing ever made of steel, so high
+that it made us dizzy to look to the top of it, and when we went up
+on the wheel we thought we could see the world, from Alaska to South
+Africa, and we marveled at the work of man and prayed that we be
+permitted to get down off that wheel alive, and not be spilled down
+through the rarified Chicago atmosphere and flattened on the pavement so
+thin we would have to be scraped up off the pavement with a case knife,
+like a buckwheat cake that sticks to the griddle.
+
+You remember, old man, how you cried when our sentence to ride in the
+Ferris wheel expired, and the jailer of the wheel opened the cell and
+let us out, and you said no one would ever get you to ride again on
+anything that you couldn't jump out of if it balked, or you got wheels
+in your head and chunks of things came up to your Adam's apple and
+choked you. Well, cross my heart, if that Ferris wheel, that looked so
+big to us, would make a main spring for the Eiffel tower. The tower is
+higher than a kite, and when you get near it and try to look up to the
+top, you think it is a joke, and that really no one actually goes up to
+the top of it. You see some flies up around the top of it, and when the
+guide tells you the flies crawling around there are men and women, you
+think the guide has been drinking.
+
+[Illustration: Flies crawling around there are men and women 157]
+
+But dad and I and the guide paid our money, got into an elevator and
+began to go up. After the thing had been going up awhile dad said he
+wouldn't go up more than a mile or so at first, and asked the man to let
+him off at the 3,000-foot level, but the elevator man said dad had got
+to take all the degrees and dad said: “Let her went,” and after an hour
+or so we got to the top.
+
+Gee! but I thought dad would fall dead right there, when he looked off
+at Paris and the world beyond. The flies we had seen at the top before
+starting had changed to human beings, all looking pale and scared, and
+the human beings on the ground had changed into flies and bugs, for all
+you could see of a man on the ground was his feet with a flattened plug
+hat someway fastened on the ankles, and a woman looked like a spoonful
+of raspberry jam dropped on the pavement, or a splash of current jelly
+moving on the ground in a mysterious way. I do not know as the Eiffel
+tower was intended to act as a Keeley cure, but of the 50 people
+who went up with us, half of them were so full their back teeth were
+floating, including dad and the guide, but when we got to the top and
+they got a view of the awful height to which we had come, it seemed as
+though every man got sober at once, and their tongues seemed to cleave
+to the roof of their mouths. All they could do was to look off at the
+city and the view in the distance, and choke up, and look sorry about
+something.
+
+I couldn't help thinking of what sort of a pulp a man would be if he
+fell off the top of the tower and struck a fat woman on the pavement,
+cause it seemed to me you couldn't tell which was fat woman and which
+was man. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad, after
+he got his second wind and got his voice working. He looked like a man
+who had made up his mind to lead a different life and begin right there.
+
+[Illustration: He took out a five-dollar bill 159]
+
+There was a Salvation Army man and woman in the crowd and dad went up to
+them. He took out a five-dollar bill and put it in the tambourine of the
+lassie, and said to the man and woman: “Now, look a here, I want to
+join your church, and if you have got the facilities for giving me the
+degrees, you can sign me as a Christian right now. I have been a bad
+man, and never thought I needed the benefits of religious training, but
+since I got up here, so near Heaven, in an elevator which I will bet $10
+will break and kill us all before we get down to Paris, I want you to
+prepare me for the hereafter quick.”
+
+Some of the other fellows laughed at dad, and the Salvation Army people
+looked as though dad was drunk, but he continued: “You can laugh and be
+jammed, but I'll never leave this place until I am a pious man, and
+you Salvation Army people have got to enlist me in your army, for I
+am scared plum to death. Go ahead and convert me, while we wait.” The
+Salvation Army captain put his hand on dad's head, the girl held out
+the tambourine for another contribution, and dad felt a sweet peace come
+over him, and we went down in the elevator and took a hack to the hotel,
+and dad's lips worked as though in pain.
+
+H.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+     The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to
+     Break the Bank, But They Go Broke--The Party in Trouble.
+
+Monte Carlo.--Dear Uncle: I blush to write the name, Monte Carlo, at
+the head of a letter to anyone that is a Christian, or who believes in
+honesty and decency, and earning a living by the sweat of one's brow,
+for this place is the limit. If I should write anybody a letter from
+South Clark street, Chicago, the recipient would know I had gone wrong,
+and was located in the midst of a bad element, and the inference would
+be that I was the worst fakir, robber, hold-up man or assassin in the
+bunch.
+
+The inference you must draw from the heading of this letter is that dad
+and I have taken all the degree of badness and are now winding up
+our career by taking the last degree, before passing in our chips and
+committing suicide. Do you know what this place is, old man? Monaco is
+a principality, about six miles square, ruled by a prince, and the whole
+business of the country, for it is a “country” the same as though it had
+a king, is gambling. They have all the different kinds of gambling, from
+chuck-a-luck at two bits to roulette at a million dollars a minute. What
+started dad to come to Monte Carlo is more than I know, unless it was
+a new American he has got acquainted with, a fellow from North Dakota,
+that dad met at a sort of dance that he did not take me to. It seems
+there is a place in Paris where they go to see men and women dance--one
+of those dances where they kick so high that their feet hit the gas
+fixtures.
+
+Well, all I know about it is that one Wednesday night dad said he felt
+as though it was his duty to go to prayer meeting, so he could say when
+he got home that in all the frivolities of a trip abroad, even in wicked
+Paris, he never neglected his church duties. I never was stuck on going
+to prayer meeting, so dad let me stay at the hotel and play pool with
+the cash register boy in the barroom, and dad took a hymn book and went
+out, looking pious as I ever saw him.
+
+[Illustration: Dance, like they had seen the people dance at the show
+164]
+
+My, what a difference there was in dad in the morning. I woke up about
+daylight, and dad came into the room with a strange man, with spinach on
+his chin, and they began to dance, like they had seen the people dance
+at the show where they had passed the evening. They were undressed,
+except their underclothes, which wore these combination suits, so when
+a man gets into them he is sealed up like a bologna, and he has to have
+help when he wants to get out to take a bath, and he has to have an
+outsider button him in with a button hook. Gee, I would rather be a
+sausage and done with it! Well, dad and this man from Dakota kicked high
+until dad caught by the ankle on a gas bracket, and the strange man got
+me up out of bed to help unloosen dad and get him down before he was
+black in the face. Finally we got dad down and then the two old codgers
+began to discuss a proposition to go to Monte Carlo to break the bank.
+
+[Illustration: A system of gambling 162]
+
+The Dakota man agreed that Americans had no right to be spending their
+own money doing Europe, when their genius was equal to the task of
+acquiring the money of the less intelligent foreigners. He said they
+could go to Monte Carlo and by a system of gambling which he had used
+successfully in the Black Hills they could carry away all the money
+they could pile into sacks. The man said he would guarantee to break
+the bank if dad would put his money against the Dakota man's experience
+as a gambler, and they would divide the proceeds equally. Dad bit like a
+bass. He said he had always had an element of adventure in his make-up,
+and had always liked to take chances, and from what he had heard of
+the fabulous sums won and lost at Monte Carlo he could see that if a
+syndicate could be formed that would win most of the time, he could see
+that there was more money in it than in any manufacturing enterprise,
+and he was willing to finance the scheme.
+
+The Dakota man fairly hugged dad, and he told dad in confidence that
+they two could divide up money enough to make them richer than they ever
+dreamed of, and all the morning they discussed the plan, and made a
+list of things they would need to get away with the money. They provided
+themselves with canvas sacks to carry away the gold, and dad drew all
+his money out of the bank, and that evening we took a train for Monte
+Carlo. All the way here dad and his new friend chuckled over the
+sensation they would make among the gamblers, and I became real
+interested in the scheme. There was to be some fun besides the winning
+of the money, because they talked of going out in the park and on the
+terraces when they were tired of winning money, and seeing the poor
+devils who had gone broke commit suicide, as that is said to be one of
+the features of the place.
+
+[Illustration: Seeing the poor devils who had gone broke 166]
+
+Well, we got a suite of rooms and the first day we looked over the
+place, and ate free banquets and saw how the people dressed, and just
+looked prosperous and showed money on the slightest provocation, and
+got the hang of things. Dad was to go in the big gambling room in the
+afternoon with his pockets fairly dropsical with money, and the Dakota
+man was to do the betting, and dad was to hold one of the canvas bags,
+and when it was full we were to take it to our room, and quit gambling
+for awhile, to give the bank a chance to raise more money. Dad insisted
+that his partner should lose a small bet once in awhile, so the bank
+should not get on to the fact that we had a cinch.
+
+After luncheon we entered the big gambling room, in full-dress suits,
+and, by gosh! it was like a king's reception. There were hundreds of
+men and women, dressed for a party, and it did not seem like a gambling
+hell, except that there were, piles of gold as big as stoves, on all
+the tables, and the guests were provided with silver rakes, with long
+handles, to rake in the money. Dad said in a whisper to the Dakota man:
+“What is the use of taking the trouble to run a gold mine, and get all
+dirtied up digging dirty nuggets, when you can get nice, clean gold, all
+coined, ready to spend, by betting right?” And then dad turned to me
+and he said; “Hennery, don't let the sight of this wealth make you
+avaricious. Don't be purse-proud when you find that your poor father,
+after years of struggle against adversity, and the machinations of
+designing men, has got next to the Pierpont Morgan class and has money
+to buy railroads. Don't get excited when we begin to bag the money, but
+just act as though it was a regular thing with us to salt down our gold
+for winter, the same as we do our pork.”
+
+A count, or a duke, gave us nice seats, and rakes to haul in the money;
+a countess, with a low-necked dress, winked at dad when he reached into
+his pistol pocket and brought out a roll of bills and handed them to the
+Dakota man, who bought $500 worth of red chips, and when the man looked
+the roulette table over and put about a pint of chips on the red, dad
+choked up so he was almost black in the face, and began to perspire so
+I had to wipe my face with a handkerchief; the gambler rolled the wheel
+and when the ball stopped on the red, and dad did the raking and raked
+in a quart of chips, and dad shook hands with the Dakota man and said:
+“Pard, we have got 'em on the run,” and reached for his sack to put in
+the first installment of acquired wealth, and the low-necked countess
+smiled a ravishing smile on dad, and dad looked as though he owned a
+brewery, and the Dakota man twisted his chin whiskers and acted like he
+was sorry for the Monte Carlo bank, I just got so faint with joy that I
+almost cried.
+
+To think we had skinned along as economically as possible all our lives,
+and never made much money, and now, through this Dakota genius, and this
+Monte Carlo opportunity, we had wealth raking in by the bushel, made
+me feel great, and I wondered why more people had not found out this
+faraway place, where people could become rich and prosperous in a day,
+if they had the nerve. I tell you, old man, it was great, and I was
+going to cable you to sell out your grocery for what you could get
+at forced sale and come here with the money, gamble and become a
+millionaire.
+
+[Illustration: Reach into another pocket and dig up another roll 171]
+
+
+*****
+
+
+Monte Carlo (the next day).--My Dear Uncle Ezra: I do not know how to
+write you the sequel to this tragedy. After our Dakota partner, with the
+Black Hills system of beating a roulette game, had won the first bet,
+he never guessed the right color again, and dad had no more use for the
+rake. Every time he bet and lost, he would reach out to dad for more
+money, and dad would reach into another pocket and dig up another roll,
+and the countess would laugh and dad had to act as though he enjoyed
+losing money.
+
+It was about dark when dad had fished up the last hundred dollars and it
+was gone before dad could wink back to the countess, then the Dakota man
+looked at dad for more, and dad shook his head and said it was all off,
+and they looked it each other a minute, and then we all three got up
+and went out in the park to see the people who had gone broke commit
+suicide, but there was not a revolver shot and dad and the Dakota man
+sat down on a seat and I looked at the moon.
+
+He would reach out to Dad for more money, and Dad would reach into
+another pocket and dig up another roll.
+
+Dad looked at the Dakota man and said: “You started me in all right.
+What happened to your system?” The Dakota man was silent for a moment,
+and then he pointed to me and said: “That imp of yours crossed his
+fingers every time I bet, except the first time.” Dad called me to him,
+and he said: “Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. Never to cross your
+fingers. You have ruined your dad,” and he turned his pockets inside
+out, and hadn't change for a dollar note, and he gave me the empty sack
+to carry, and we went to our suite of rooms, knowing we would be fired
+out into the cold world.
+
+It will take a week to get money from the states, and we may be sent
+to the work house, as we are broke, and haven't got the means even to
+commit suicide. Don't tell ma.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride--They Run
+     Over a Peasant--Climb “Glaziers”--Dad Falls Over a
+     Precipice, But Is Rescued by the Guides After a Hard Time
+     of It.
+
+Geneva, Switzerland.--My Dear Old Man: By ginger, but I would like to be
+home now. I have had enough of foreign travel; I don't see what is the
+use of traveling, to see people of foreign countries, when you can go to
+any large city in America, and find more people belonging to any
+foreign country than you can find by going to that country, and they
+know a confounded sight more. Take the Russians in New York, the
+Norwegians of Minnesota, the Italians of Chicago, and the Germans of
+Milwaukee, and they can talk English, and you can find out all about
+their own countries by talking with them, but you go to their countries
+and the natives don't know that there is such a language as the United
+States language, and they laugh at you when you ask questions. I am sick
+of the whole business, and would give all I ever expect to be worth, to
+be home right now, with my skates sharp.
+
+I would like to open the door of your old grocery, and take one long
+breath and die right there on the doorstep, rather than to live in
+luxury in any foreign country. Do you know, I sometimes go into a
+grocery store abroad, and smell around, in order to get my thoughts on
+dear old America, but nothing abroad smells as the same thing does in
+our country. If I could get one more smell of that keg of sauerkraut
+back of your counter, when it is ripe enough to pick, I think I would
+break right down and cry for joy. Of course I have smelled sauerkraut
+over here, but it all seems new and tame compared to yours. It may be
+the kraut here is not aged enough to be good, but yours is aged enough
+to vote and sticks to your clothes. Gee, but I just ache to get into
+your grocery and eat things, and smell smells, and then lay down on the
+counter with the cat with my head on a pile of wrapping paper and go to
+sleep and wake up in America, an American citizen, that no king or queen
+can tell to “hush up” and take off my hat when I want my hat on.
+
+You may wonder how we got out of Monte Carlo, when we had lost every
+cent we had gambling. Well, we wondered about it all night, and had our
+breakfast sent up to our room, and had it charged, expecting that when
+the bill came in we would have to jump into the ocean, as we had no gun
+to kill ourselves with. Just after breakfast a duke, or something, came
+to our room, and dad said it was all off, and he called upon the Dakota
+man to make a speech on politics, while dad and I skipped out. We
+thought the duke, who was the manager of the hotel, would not understand
+the speech, and would think we were great people, who had got stranded.
+
+[Illustration: Started in on a democratic speech 175]
+
+The Dakota man started in on a democratic speech that he used to deliver
+in the campaign of '96, and in half an hour the duke held up his hands,
+and the Dakota man let up on the speech. Then the duke took out a roll
+of bills and said: “Ze shentlemen is what you call bust. Is it not so?”
+ Dad said he could bet his life it was so. Then the duke handed the roll
+of bills to dad, and said it was a tribute from the prince of
+Monaco, and that we were his guests, and when our stay was at an end,
+automobiles would be furnished for us to go to Nice, where we could
+cable home for funds, and be happy.
+
+Well, when the duke left us, dad said: “Wouldn't that skin you?” and he
+gave the Dakota man one of the bills to try on the bartender, and when
+he found the money was good we ordered an automobile and skipped out for
+Nice. The chauffeur could not understand English, so we talked over the
+situation and decided that the only way to be looked upon as genuine
+automobilists would be to wear goggles and look prosperous and mad at
+everybody. We took turns looking mad at everybody we passed on the road,
+and got it down so fine that people picked up rocks after we had-passed,
+and threw them at us, and then we knew that we were succeeding in being
+considered genuine, rich automobile tourists.
+
+After we had succeeded for an hour or two in convincing the people that
+we were properly heartless and purse proud, dad said the only thing
+we needed to make the trip a success was to run over somebody. He
+said nearly all the American automobile tourists in Europe had killed
+somebody and had been obliged to settle and support a family or two in
+France or Italy, and they were prouder of it than they would be if they
+endowed a university, or built a church, and he said he trusted our
+chauffeur would not be too careful in running through the country, but
+would at least cripple some one.
+
+Well, just before we got to Nice, and darkness was settling down on the
+road, the chauffeur blew his horn, there was a scream that would raise
+hair on Horace Greeley's head, the automobile stopped, and there was a
+bundle of dusty old clothes, with an old woman done up in them, and we
+jumped out and lifted her up, and there we were, the woman in a faint,
+the peasants gathering around us with scythes and rakes and clubs,
+demanding our lives. The bloody-faced woman was taken into a home, the
+crowd held us, until finally a doctor came, and after examining the
+woman said she might live, but it would be a tight squeeze. We wanted
+to go on, but we didn't want to be cut open with a scythe, so finally a
+man, who said he was the husband of the woman, came out with a gun, dad
+got down on his knees and tried to say a prayer, the Dakota man held up
+both hands like it was a stage being held up, and I cried.
+
+[Illustration: Dad got down on his knees and tried to say a prayer 178]
+
+Finally the chauffeur said, in broken English, that the husband would
+settle for $400, because he could pay the funeral expenses, get
+another wife for half the money and have some thing left to lay up for
+Christmas. As the man's gun was pointed at dad, he quit praying and
+gave up the money and agreed to send $50 a month for 11 years, until the
+oldest child was of age.
+
+Well, we got away alive, got into Nice, and the chauffeur started back
+and we cabled home for money to be sent to Geneva, Switzerland. But,
+say; you have not heard the sequel. A story that has a sequel is always
+the best, and I hope to die if the police of Nice didn't tell us that we
+were buncoed by that old woman and that the chauffeur was in the scheme
+and got part of dad's money. The way they do it is to wait till dark,
+and then roll the woman in the dust and put some red ink on her face,
+and she pretends to be run over, and the doctor is hired by the month,
+and they average $500 a night, playing that game on automobile tourists
+from America. After the woman is run over every night, and the money
+is collected, and the victims have been allowed to go on their way, the
+whole community gathers at the house of the injured woman and they have
+a celebration and a dance, and probably our chauffeur got back to the
+house that night in time to enjoy the celebration. I suppose thousands
+of Americans are paying money for killing people that never got a
+scratch.
+
+Say, we think in America that we have plenty of ways to rob the
+tenderfoot, but they give us cards and spades and little casino and beat
+us every time. Dad wanted to hire a hack and go back and finish that old
+woman with an ax, because he said he had a corpse coming to him, but the
+police told him he could be arrested for thinking murder, and that he
+was a dangerous man, and that they would give him 12 hours to get out
+of France, and so we bought tickets for Switzerland, though what we came
+here for I don't know, only dad said it was a republic like America
+and he wanted to breathe the free air of mountains in the home of the
+Switzerkase.
+
+Well, anybody can have Switzerland if they want it. I will sell my
+interest cheap. The first three days we were here everybody wanted us to
+go out on the lake, said to be the most beautiful lake in the world, and
+we sailed on it, and rowed on it, and looked down into the clear water
+where it is said you can see a corpse on the bottom of the lake 100 feet
+down. We hadn't lost any corpse, except the corpse of that old woman
+we run over at Nice, but we wanted to get the worth of our money, so we
+kept looking for days, but the search for a corpse becomes tame after
+awhile, and we gave it up. All we saw in the bottom of the lake was a
+cow, but no man can weep properly over the remains of a cow, and dad
+said they could go to the deuce with their corpses, and we just camped
+at the hotel till our money came. Say, that lake they talk so much about
+is no better than lakes all over Wisconsin, and there are no black bass
+or muskellunges in it.
+
+The tourists here are just daffy about climbing mountains and glaziers,
+and they talk about it all the time, and I could see dad's finish.
+They told him that no American that ever visited Switzerland would be
+recognized when he got home if he had not climbed the glaziers, so dad
+arranged for a trip up into the sky. We went 100 miles or so on the
+cars, passing along valleys where all the cows wear tea bells, and it
+sounds like chimes in the distance. It is beautiful in Switzerland,
+but the cheese is something awful. A piece of native Swiss cheese would
+break up a family.
+
+At night we arrived at a station where we hired guides and clothes, and
+things, and the next morning we started. Dad wanted me to stay at the
+station a couple of days, while he was gone, and play with the goats,
+but I told him if there were any places in the mountains or glaziers any
+more dangerous than Paris or Monte Carlo, I wanted to visit them, so he
+let me go. Well, we were rigged up for discovering the north pole, and
+had alpenstocks to push ourselves up with, and the guides had ropes to
+pull us up when we got to places where we couldn't climb. I could get
+along all right, but they had dad on a rope most of the time pulling him
+until his tongue run out and his face turned blue. But dad was game, and
+don't you forget it.
+
+Before noon we got on top of a glazier, which is the ice of a frozen
+river, that moves all the time, sliding towards the sea.
+
+[Illustration: Dad slipped down a crevice about 100 feet 181]
+
+There was nothing but a hard winter, in summer, to the experience, and
+we would have gone back the same night, only dad slipped down a crevice
+about 100 feet with the rope on him, and the two guides couldn't pull
+him up, and we had to send a lunch down to him on the rope and one of
+the guides had to go back to the village for help to get dad up. Well,
+sir, I think dad was nearer dead than he ever was before, but they sent
+down a bottle of brandy, and when he drank some of it the snow began to
+melt and he was warm enough to use bad language.
+
+He yelled to me that this was the limit and wanted to know how long
+they were going to keep him there. I yelled to him that one of the
+guides had gone for help to pull him out, and he said for them to order
+a yoke of oxen. I told him that probably he would have to remain there
+until spring opened and that I was going back to America and leave him
+there, and he better pray.
+
+[Illustration: Have to remain there until spring opened 183]
+
+I don't know whether dad prayed, down there in the bowels of the
+mountains, but he didn't pray when help came, and they finally hauled
+him up. His breath was gone, but he gave those guides some language
+that would set them to thinking if they could have understood him, and
+finally we started down the mountain. They kept the rope on dad and
+every little while he would slip and slide 100 feet or so down the
+mountain on his pants, and the snow would go up his trousers legs clear
+to his collar, and the exercise made him so hot that the steam came out
+of his clothes, and he looked like a locomotive wrecked in a snow bank
+blowing off steam.
+
+It became dark and I expected we would be killed, but before midnight we
+got to the station and changed our clothes and paid off the guides and
+took a train back. Dad said to me, as we got on the cars: “Now, Hennery,
+I have done this glazier stunt, just to show you that a brave man,
+whatever his age, is equal to anything they can propose in Europe,
+but by ginger, this settles it, and now I want to go where things come
+easier. I am now going to Turkey and see how the Turks worry along. Are
+you with me?” “You bet your life,” says I.
+
+Yours truly,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+     Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist--They Give Alms to the Beggars
+     and the Bad Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand
+     Canal.
+
+Venice, Italy.--My Dear Old Chumireno: Dad couldn't get out of
+Switzerland quick enough after he got thawed out the day after we
+climbed the glaziers. We found that almost all the tourists in Geneva
+were there because they did not want to go home and say they had not
+visited Switzerland, so they just jumped from one place to another. The
+people who stay there any length of time are like the foreign residents
+of Mexico, who are wanted for something they have done at home, that is
+against the law. There are more anarchists in Geneva than anything else,
+and they look hairy and wild eyed, and they plot to kill kings and drink
+beer out of two quart jars.
+
+When we found that more attention was paid to men suspected of crime
+in their own countries, and men who were believed to be plotting to
+assassinate kings, dad said it would be a good joke if a story should
+get out that he was suspected of being connected with a syndicate that
+wanted to assassinate some one, so I told a fellow that I got acquainted
+with that the fussy old man that tried to ride a glazier without any
+saddle or stirrup was wanted for attempting to blow up the president
+of the United States by selling him baled hay soaked in a solution of
+dynamite and nitro-glycerine.
+
+[Illustration: Dad and the anarchists reveled till morning 188]
+
+Say, they will believe anything in Switzerland. It wasn't two hours
+before long-haired people were inviting dad to dinners, and the same
+night he was taken to a den where a lot of anarchists were reveling, and
+dad reveled till almost morning. When he came back to the hotel he said
+his hosts got all the money he had with him, through some game he didn't
+understand, but he under stood it was to go into a fund to support
+deserving anarchists and dynamiters. He said when they found out he was
+a suspected assassin nothing was too good for him. He said they wanted
+to know how he expected to kill a president by soaking baled hay in
+explosives, and dad said it came to him suddenly to tell them that the
+president rode on horseback a good deal, and he thought if a horse was
+filled with baled hay, and nitro-glycerine and the president spurred
+the horse and the horse jumped in the air and came down kerchunk on an
+asphalt pavement, the horse would explode, and when the rider came down
+covered with sausage covers and horse meat, he would be dead, or would
+want to be. Dad said the anarchists went into executive session and took
+up a collection to send a man to Berlin to fill the emperor's saddle
+horse with cut feed like dad suggested.
+
+Well, the anarchist story was too much for Switzerland, and the next
+morning dad was told by a policeman that he had to get out of the
+country quick, and it didn't take us 15 minutes to pack up, and here we
+are in Venice.
+
+Well, say, old friend, this is the place where you ought to be, because
+nobody works here, that is, nobody but gondoliers. We have been here
+several days, and I have not seen a soul doing anything except begging,
+or selling things that nobody seems to want. If anybody buys anything
+but onions, it is for curiosity, or for souvenirs, and yet the whole
+population sits around in the sun and watches the strangers from other
+lands price things and go away without buying, and then everybody looks
+mad, as though they would like to jab a knife into the stranger. The
+plazas and the places near the canal are filled with hucksters and
+beggars, and you never saw beggars so mutilated and sore and disgusting.
+I never supposed human beings could be so deformed, without taking an ax
+to them, and it is so pitiful to see them that you can't help shedding
+your money.
+
+[Illustration: Coughed up over $40 the first day, just giving to beggars
+191]
+
+As hard hearted as dad is, he coughed up over $40 the first day, just
+giving to beggars, and he thought he had got them all bought up, and
+that they would let him alone, but the next day when he showed up there
+were ten beggars where there was one the day before, and they followed
+him everywhere, and all the loafers in the plazas laughed and acted as
+if they would catch the cripples when dad got out of sight and rob the
+beggars. Dad thinks the way the people live is by dividing with beggars.
+A man who has a deformity, or a sore that you can see half a block away,
+seems to be considered rich here, like a man in America who owns stock
+in great corporations. These beggars pay more taxes than the dukes and
+things who live in style.
+
+I suppose dad never studied geography, so he didn't know how Venice was
+situated, so he told me to go out and order a hack the first morning we
+were here, and we would go and see the town. When I told dad there were
+no hacks, no horses and no roads in Venice, he said I was crazy in my
+head and wanted me to take some medicine and stay in bed for a few days,
+but I convinced him, when we got outdoors, that everything run by water,
+and when I showed him the canal and the gondolas, he remembered all
+about Venice, and picked out a gondalier that looked like one dad saw
+at the world's fair, and we hired him because he talked English. All the
+English the gondolier could use were the words “you bet your life,” and
+“you're dam right,” but dad took him because it seemed so homelike, and
+we have been riding in gondolas every day.
+
+On the water you can get away from the beggars. This is an ideal
+existence. You just get in the gondola, under a canopy, and the
+gondolier does the work, and you glide along between build ings and
+wonder who lives there, and when they wake up, as all day long the
+blinds are closed, and everybody seems to be dead. But at night, when
+the canals are lighted, and the moon shines, the people put on their
+dress clothes and sit on verandas, or eat and drink, and talk Eyetalian,
+and ride in gondolas, and play guitars, and smoke cigarettes, and talk
+love. It is so warm you can wear your summer pants, and the water smells
+of clams that died long ago. It is just as though Chicago was flooded
+by the bursting of the sewers, and people had to go around State street,
+and all the cross streets, and Michigan avenue, in fishing boats, with
+three feet of water on top of the pavements. Imagine the people of
+Chicago taking gondolas and riding along the streets, landing at the
+stores and hotels, just as they do now from carriages.
+
+We had been riding in gondolas for two days, getting around in the mud
+when the tide was out, and going to sleep and waiting for the tide to
+come in, when it seemed to me that dad needed some excitement, and last
+night I gave it to him.
+
+We were out in our gondola, and the moon was shining, and the electric
+lights made the canal near the Rialto bridge as light as day. The Rialto
+bridge crosses the Grand canal, and has been the meeting place for
+lovers for thousands of years. It is a grand structure, of carved
+marble, but it wouldn't hold up a threshing machine engine half as
+well as an iron bridge. Well, the canal was filled with thousands of
+gondolas, loaded with the flower of Venetian society, and the music just
+made you want to fall in love. Dad said if he didn't fall in love, or
+something, before morning, he would quit the place. I made up my mind he
+should fall into something, so I began by telling dad it seemed strange
+to me that nobody but Eyetalians could run a gondola. Dad said he could
+run a gondola as well as any foreigner, and I told him he couldn't run
+a gondola for shucks, and he said he would show me, so he got out of the
+hen house where we were seated, and went back on to the pointed end
+of the gondola, and grabbed the pole or paddle from the gondolier, and
+said: “Now, Garibaldi, you go inside the pup tent with Hennery, and let
+me punt this ark around awhile.”
+
+Garibaldi thought dad was crazy, but he gave up the pole, and just then,
+when they were both on the extreme point of the gondola, and she was
+wabbling some, I peeked out through the curtains and thought the fruit
+was about ripe enough to pick, so I threw myself over to one side of
+the gondola, and, by gosh, if dad and Garibaldi didn't both go overboard
+with a splash, and one yell in the English language, and one in
+Eye-talian, and I rushed out of the cabin and such a sight you never
+saw.
+
+[Illustration: Overboard, one yell in the English language, one in
+Eye-talian 193]
+
+Dad retained the paddle, and had his head out of water, but nothing
+showed above the water, where Garibaldi was except a red patch on his
+black pants. Dad was yelling for help, and finally the gondolier got his
+head out of the water, and said something that sounded like grinding a
+butcher knife on a grindstone, and I yelled, too, and the gondolas began
+to gather around us, and the two men were rescued. The gondolier had
+been gondoling all his life and he had never been in the water before,
+and they thought it would strike in and kill him, so they wrapped him up
+in blankets and put him aboard his canoe, and he looked at me as though
+I was to blame. They got a boat hook fastened in dad's pants and landed
+him in the gondola, and he dripped all the way to our hotel, and he
+smelled like a fish market.
+
+I asked Garibaldi, on the way to the hotel, if he was counting his beads
+when he was down under the water with nothing but his pants out of the
+water, and he said: “You're dam right,” but I don't think he knew the
+meaning of the words, because he probably wouldn't swear in the presence
+of death. Dad just sat and shivered all the way to the hotel, but when
+we got to our room I asked him what his idea was in jumping overboard
+right there before folks, with his best clothes on, and he said it was
+all Garibaldi's fault, that just as dad was getting a good grip on the
+paddle, the gondolier heaved a long sigh, and the onions in his breath
+paralyzed dad so he fell overboard.
+
+[Illustration: Then you don't blame your little boy, do you 197]
+
+“Then you don't blame your little boy, do you?” says I, and dad looked
+at me as he was hanging his wet shirt on a chair. “Course not; you
+were asleep in the cabin. But say, if I ever hear that you did tip that
+gondola, it will go hard with you,” but I just looked innocent, and dad
+went on drying his shirt by a charcoal brazier and never suspected me.
+But I am getting the worst of it, for dad and his clothes smell so much
+like a clam bake that it makes me sick.
+
+Well, old friend, you ought to close up your grocery and come over here
+and go to Vesuvius and Pompeii with us, where we can dry our clothes
+by the volcano, and dig in the city that was buried in hot ashes 2,000
+years ago. They say you can dig up mummies there that are dead ringers
+for you, old man.
+
+O, come on, and have fun with us.
+
+Your friend,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes from Naples--Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls
+     the Servants to Put Out the Fire--They Have Trouble with a
+     “Dago” in Pompeii.
+
+Naples, Italy.--Dear Old Partner in Crime: Well, sir, we have struck a
+place that reminds us of home, and your old grocery store. The day we
+got here dad and I took a walk into the poorer districts, where they
+throw all the slops and refuse in the streets, and where nobody ever
+seems to clean up anything and burn it. The odor was something that you
+cannot describe without a demonstration, and after we had turned pale
+and started to go away, dad said the smell reminded him of something
+at home, and finally he remembered your old grocery in the sauerkraut
+season, early in the morning, before you had aired out the place. Your
+ears must have burned when we were talking about you.
+
+If you want to get an idea of Naples, at its worst, go down into your
+cellar and round up all the codfish, onions, kraut, limburger cheese,
+kerosene, rotten potatoes, and everything that is dead, put it all in
+a bushel basket, and just before the Health officers come to pull your
+place, get down on your knees and put your head down in the basket, and
+let some one sit on your head all the forenoon, and you will have just
+such a half day as dad and I had in the poor quarter of Naples, and
+it will not cost you half as much as it did us, unless, after you have
+enjoyed yourself in your cellar with your head in the basket, you decide
+to have a run of sickness and hire a doctor who will charge you the
+price of a trip to Europe.
+
+Well, sir, Naples is a dandy, in its clean part. The bay of Naples is a
+dead ringer for Milwaukee bay, in shape and beauty, but Milwaukee
+lacks Vesuvius and Pompeii, for suburbs, and she lacks the customary
+highwaymen to hold you up. Every man, woman and child we have met makes
+a living out of the tourists, and nobody that I have seen works at any
+other business.
+
+[Illustration: Wanted to turn in a fire alarm 201]
+
+We woke up the first morning and dad looked out the window and saw
+Vesuvius belching forth flame and lava and stone fences, and wanted to
+turn in a fire alarm, but I told him that that fire had been raging
+ever since the Christian era, and was not one of these incendiary barn
+burnings, but he opened the window and yelled fire, and the porters and
+chambermaids came running to our room, with buckets of water, and
+wanted to know where the fire was. Dad pointed out of the window towards
+Vesuvius and said: “Some hired girl has been starting a fire with
+kerosene, in that shanty on the knoll out there, and the whole ranch
+will burn if you don't turn out the fire department, you gosh blasted
+lazy devils. Get a move on and help carry out the furniture.”
+
+Well, they calmed dad, and then I had to go to work and post dad up
+on the geography he had forgotten, and finally he remembered seeing a
+picture of a volcano or burning mountain in his geography 50 years ago,
+but he told me he never believed there was a volcano in the world, but
+that he always thought they put those pictures in geographies to make
+them sell. How a man can attain the prominence and position in the
+business world that dad has, and not know any more than he does, is what
+beats me.
+
+Of course, you know, having kept a grocery since the war, and having had
+opportunities to study history, by the pictures on the soap boxes and
+insurance calendars, that Nero, the Roman tyrant, after Rome was burned,
+while he fiddled for a dance in a barn, got so accustomed to fire and
+brimstone that he retired to Naples and touched off Vesuvius, just so
+he could look at it. But Vesuvius, about 2,000 years ago, got to burning
+way down in its bowels, and the fire got beyond control, and I suppose
+now the fire is away down in the center of the earth, and you know when
+you get down in the earth below the crust, on which we live and raise
+potatoes, everything is melted, like iron in a foundry, and Vesuvius is
+the spigot through which the fluid comes to the surface. You see, don't
+you?
+
+Just imagine that this earth is a barrel of beer, which you can
+understand better than anything else, and it is being shaken up by being
+hauled around on wagons and cars, and is straining to get out, then a
+bartender drives a spigot into the bung, turns the thumb piece, and the
+pent-up beer comes out foaming and squirting, and there you are.
+
+Instead of beer, Vesuvius is loaded with lava, that runs like molasses,
+and when it is cold it is indigestible as a cold buckwheat cake, and you
+can make it up into jewelry, that looks like maple sugar and smells like
+a fire in a garbage crematory. Besides the lava there are stones as big
+as a house that are thrown up by the sea-sickness of the earth, as it
+heaves and pants, and then the ashes that come out of the crater at
+times would make you think that what they need there is to have a
+chimney sweep go down and brush out the flues.
+
+[Illustration: Threw a pail of ashes over the fence 204]
+
+To get an idea of what a nuisance the ashes from the crater are to the
+cities on the plain below, you remember the time you were out in your
+back yard splitting boxes for kindling wood and my chum and I threw a
+pail of ashes over the fence, and accidentally it went all over you,
+about four inches thick. That time you got mad and threw cucumbers
+at us, when we ran down the alley. Keep that in your mind and you can
+understand the destruction of Pompeii, when Vesuvius, thousands of years
+ago, coughed up hot ashes and covered the town 40 feet deep with hot
+stuff, and killed every living thing, and petrified and preserved the
+whole business, and made a prairie on top of a town, and everybody
+eventually forgot that there had ever been a town there, for about 2,000
+years. If my chum and I had not run out of ashes we would have buried
+you so deep in your back yard that you would have been petrified with
+your hatchet, and when they excavated the premises a thousand years
+later they would have found your remains and put you in a museum.
+
+Well, a couple of hundred years ago a peasant was sinking a well down in
+the ashes, and he struck a petrified barroom, with a bartender standing
+behind the bar in the act of serving some whisky 2,000 years old, and
+the peasant located a claim there, and the authorities took possession
+of the prairie and have been digging the town out ever since, looking
+for more of that 2,000-year-old whisky.
+
+When I told dad about what they were finding at the ruins of Pompeii,
+and how you were liable to find gold and diamonds and petrified women,
+he wanted to go and dig in the ashes, as he said it would be more
+exciting than raking over the dumping grounds in Chicago for tin cans
+and lumps of coal, and so we hired a hack and went to the buried town,
+but dad insisted on carrying an umbrella, so if Vesuvius belched any
+more ashes he could protect himself. Gee, but from what I have seen at
+that old ruin, a man would need an umbrella made of corrugated iron to
+keep from being buried.
+
+[Illustration: Dad insisted on carrying an umbrella 207]
+
+Well, when we got to Pompeii dad was for going right where they were
+digging, but I got him to look over the streets and houses that had
+been uncovered first, and he was paralyzed to think that a town could be
+covered with ashes all these thousands of years, and then be uncovered
+and find a town that would compare, in many respects, with cities of the
+present day, with residences complete with sculpture, paintings and cut
+marble that would skin Chicago to a finish.
+
+We went through residences that looked as rich as the Vanderbilt houses
+in New York, baths that you could take a plunge and a swim in, if they
+had the water, paintings that would take a premium at any horse show
+to-day, pavements that would shame the pavements of London and Paris,
+and petrified women that you couldn't tell from a low-necked party in
+Washington, except that the ashes had eaten the clothes off. I guess
+most of the people in Pompeii got away when the ashes began to rain
+down, for they must have seen that it wasn't going to be a light shower,
+but a deluge, 'cause they never have found many corpses. They must have
+run to Naples, and maybe they are running yet, and you may see some
+of them at your grocery, and if you do see anybody covered with ashes,
+looking for a job, give them some crackers and cheese and charge it to
+dad, for they must be hungry by this time.
+
+Say, do you know that some of those refugees from Pompeii went off in
+such a hurry that they left bread baking in the ovens, and meat cooking
+in the pots? It seems the most wonderful thing to me of anything I ever
+saw. We went all through the streets and houses and saw ballrooms
+that beat anything in San Francisco, and when we went into a building
+occupied by the officers in charge of the excavations, and dad saw a
+telephone and an electric light, he thought those things had been dug
+up, too, and he claimed that the men who were receiving millions of
+dollars in royalties on telephones and electric lights were frauds who
+were infringing on Pompeii patents 2,000 years old, and he wouldn't
+believe me when I told him that telephones and electric lights were not
+dug up; he said then he wouldn't believe anything was dug up, but that
+the whole thing was a put-up job to rob tourists. But when we got to a
+locality where the dagoes were digging the ashes away from a house and
+were uncovering a parlor, where rich things were being discovered, he
+saw that it was all right.
+
+I suppose I never ought to have played such a thing on dad, but I told
+him that anybody who saw a thing first when it came out of the ashes
+could grab it and keep it, and just as I told him a workman threw out a
+shovel full of ashes, just as you would throw out dirt digging for angle
+worms, and there was a little silver urn with a lot of coins in it, and
+you could not hold dad. He grabbed for it, the workman grabbed for it,
+and they went down together in the ashes, and the man rolled dad over
+and he was a sight, but the workman got the silver urn, and dad wanted
+to fight.
+
+[Illustration: The man rolled dad over and he was a sight 210]
+
+Finally a man with a uniform on came along and was going to arrest dad,
+but they finally compromised by the man offering to sell the silver urn
+and the gold coins to dad for a hundred dollars, if he would promise
+not to open it up until he got out of Italy, and dad paid the money and
+wrapped the urn up in a Chicago paper, and we took our hack and went
+back to Naples on a gallop.
+
+Dad could hardly wait till we got to the hotel before opening up his
+prize, but he held out until we got to our room, when he unwrapped the
+urn to count his ancient gold coins. Well, you'd a-died to see dad's
+face when he opened that can. It was an old tomato can that had been
+wrought out with a hammer so it looked like hammered silver, and when
+he emptied the gold coins out on the table there was a lot of brass tags
+that looked like dog license tags, and baggage checks and brass buttons.
+I had to throw water on dad to bring him to, and then he swore he would
+kill the dago that sold him the treasure from the ruins of Pompeii.
+It was a great blow to dad, and he has bought a dirk knife to kill the
+dago. To-morrow we take in Vesuvius, and when we come down from the
+crater we go to Pompeii and kill the dago in his tracks. Dad may cause
+Vesuvius to belch again with hot ashes, and cover the ruins of Pompeii,
+but if he can't turn on the ashes, the knife will do the business.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius--A Chicago Lady Joins
+     the Party and Causes Trouble.
+
+Naples, Italy.--Siegnor ze Grocerino: I guess that will make you stand
+without hitching for a little while. Say, I am getting so full of dead
+languages, and foreign palaver, that I shall have to have an operation
+on my tongue when I get home before I can speel the United States
+language again so you can make head or tail of it. You see, I don't stay
+long enough in a country to acquire its language, but I get a few words
+into my system, so now my English is so mixed with French words, Italian
+garlic and German throat trouble that I cannot understand myself unless
+I look in a glass and watch the motions of my lips. Dad has not picked
+up a word of any foreign language, and says he should consider himself a
+traitor to his country if he tried to talk anything but English. He
+did get so he could order a glass of beer by holding up his finger and
+saying “ein,” but he found later that just holding up his finger
+without saying “ein” would bring the beer all the same so he cut out the
+language entirely and works his finger until it needs a rest.
+
+When I used to study my geography at the little red schoolhouse, and
+look at the picture of the volcano Vesuvius, and read about how it would
+throw up red-hot lava, and ashes, and rocks as big as a house, and wipe
+out cities, it looked so terrible to me that I was glad when we got
+through with the volcano lesson, and got to Greenland's icy mountains,
+where there was no danger except being frozen to death, or made sick by
+eating blubber sliced off of whales.
+
+Then I never expected to be right on the very top of that volcano,
+throwing stones down in the lava, and sailing chips down the streams of
+hot stuff, just as I sailed chips on ice water at home-when the streets
+were flooded by spring rains. Say, there is no more danger on Vesuvius
+than there is in a toboggan slide, or shooting the chutes at home. I
+thought we would have to hire dagoes to carry us up to the top, and be
+robbed and held up, and may be murdered, but it is just as easy as going
+up in the elevator of a skyscraper, and no more terrifying than
+sitting on a 50-cent seat in a baseball park at home and witnessing the
+“Destruction of Pompeii” by a fireworks display
+
+The crater looks sort of creepy, like a big cauldron kettle boiling soap
+on a farm, only it is bigger, and down in the earth's bowels you can
+well believe there is trouble, and if you believe in a hell, you can get
+it, illustrated proper, but the rivulets of lava that flow out of the
+wrinkles around the mouth of the crater are no more appalling than
+making fudges over a gas stove. When the lava cools you would swear it
+was fudges, only you can't eat the lava and get indigestion as you can
+eating fudges.
+
+It was hard work to get dad to go up on the volcano, because he said he
+knew he would fall into it, and get his clothes burned, and he said he
+couldn't climb clear to the top, on account of his breath being short,
+but when I told him he could ride up on a trolley car, and have the
+volcano brought right to him, he weakened, and one morning we left
+Naples early and before two hours had passed we were on a little
+cogwheel railroad going up, and dad was looking down on the scenery,
+expecting every minute the cogs would slip and we would cut loose and go
+down all in a heap and be plastered all over the vineyards and big trees
+and be killed.
+
+I don't know what makes dad so nervous, but he wanted a woman from
+Chicago, who was on the car with us, to hold his hand all the way up,
+but she said she was no nurse in a home for the aged, and she said she
+would cuff dad if he didn't let go of her. I told her she better not
+get dad mad if she knew what was good for her, for he was a regular
+Bluebeard, and wouldn't take no slack from no Chicago female, 'cause
+he had buried nine wives already. So she held his hand, and I guess she
+thinks she will be my stepmother, but I bet she don't.
+
+Well, after we got almost to the top the car stopped, and we had to walk
+the rest of the way, several hundred feet, and we had to have a pusher
+and a putter for dad, a dago to go ahead and pull him up, and another
+to put his shoulder against dad's pants and shove. Gee, but it was a
+picture to see dad “go up old baldhead,” with the dagoes perspiring and
+swearing at dad for being so heavy, and the Chicago woman laughing, and
+me pushing her up.
+
+[Illustration: It was a picture to see dad go up old baldhead 214]
+
+One thing that scared dad was that every little way there was a shrine,
+where the guides left dad lying on the ground, blocked with a piece of
+cold lava, so he wouldn't roll down, like you would block a wagon wheel,
+and they would go to the shrine and kneel and say some prayers.
+
+Dad was afraid they were going to charge the prayers in the bill for
+pushing him up, but I told dad that these people expected every time
+they, went up to the top that it would be their last trip, as they knew
+that some day the volcano would open in a new place and swallow them
+whole, with all the tourists. Then he gave them a dollar apiece to pray
+for him, and wanted to go back down the mountain and let Vesuvius run
+its own fireworks, but the Chicago lady told dad to brace up and she
+would protect him, and so the guides gave a few more pushes, and we were
+on top of the volcano, and dad collapsed and had to be brought to with
+smelling salts and whisky that the woman carried in her pistol pocket.
+
+Gee, but it was worth all the trouble to get up the mountain, to see the
+sight that opened up. The hole in the mountain filled with boiling stuff
+was worth the price of admission, and the roaring of the boiling stuff,
+and the explosions way down cellar, and the flying stones, the smoke
+going into the air for a mile, like the burning of an oil well, the
+red-hot lava finding crevices to leak through, and flowing down the
+side of the mountain in streams like hot maple sirup, made a scene thai
+caused us to take off our hats and thank the good Lord that the thing
+hadn't overflowed enough to hurt us. But I could see dad was scared,
+'cause when I wanted him to go around the edge of the crater with me,
+and see the hell-roaring free show from other points of view, and
+see where the hot ashes years ago rolled down and covered Pompeii and
+Herculaneum, he balked and said he had seen all he wanted to, and if he
+could stay alive until the next car went down the mountain, they could
+all have his interest in Vesuvius, and be darned to them, but he said if
+I wanted to go around looking for trouble, he would stay there under a
+big rock, with the Chicago lady, and wait for me to come back. She said
+she knew dad was all tired out, and needed rest, and she would stay with
+him, and keep him cheered up; so I left them and went off with one
+of the dagoes, to slide down hill on some flowing lava, and pick up
+specimens.
+
+Well, sir, I wish I could get along some way without telling the rest of
+this sad story, but if I am going to be a historian I have got to tell
+the whole blame thing.
+
+[Illustration: And she was stroking his hair 217]
+
+When I left dad and the Chicago woman she had produced a lunch from
+somewhere about her person, and a small bottle, and they were eating and
+drinking, and dad was laughing more natural than I had seen him laugh
+since we run over the old woman with the automobile at Nice, and she was
+smiling on dad just as though she was his sweetheart. (As I went around
+the crater, a couple of blocks away, I looked back and dad had laid his
+head in her lap, and she was stroking his hair. )
+
+Well, I picked up specimens, burned the soles off my shoes wading in the
+lava, and took in the volcano from all sides, and after an hour I went
+back to where dad and the woman were lunching, but the woman was gone,
+and dad acted as though he had been hit by an express train, his eyes
+were wild, his collar was gone, his pocketbook was on the ground, empty,
+his coat was gone, his scarf-pin had disappeared and the $11 watch he
+bought when he was robbed the other time was missing, and dad's tongue
+was run out, and he was yelling for water. I thought he had been trying
+to drink some lava.
+
+[Illustration: He was yelling for water 223]
+
+“Dad, what in the world has happened to you?” said I, as I rushed up to
+him.
+
+“That woman has happened to me, that is all,” said dad, as he took a
+swallow of water out of a canteen one of the dagoes had.
+
+“Tell me about it, dad,” said I, trying to keep from laughing, when I
+saw that he was not hurt.
+
+“Say, let this be a lesson to you,” said dad, “and don't you steer
+another woman to me on this trip. Do you know you hadn't more than got
+around that big rock when she said she was tired and was going to faint,
+for the altitude was too high for her, and I tried to soothe her, and
+she did look pale, and, by gosh, I thought she was going to die on my
+hands, and I would have to carry her corpse down the mountain. I heard
+a scuffling on the rocks, and she looked up and saw a man not ten feet
+away, and she said: 'Me husband!' and then she fainted and grabbed me
+around the neck, and I couldn't get her loose. She just froze to me
+like a person drowning, and that husband of hers, who had come up on the
+last car, hunting for his wife, who had eloped, pulled a long blue gun
+and told me he would give me five minutes to pray, and then he would
+kill me and throw my body down in the creater, to sizzle.”
+
+[Illustration: Pulled a long blue gun 220]
+
+“I told him I could pay up enough ahead in three minutes, and he could
+take all I had if he would loosen up his wife, and bring her to, and
+take her away, and let me die all alone, and let the buzards eat me,
+uncooked. He took the bet, pulled her arms away from my throat, took my
+money and coat, brought her to, and said he was going to throw her into
+the crater, but I told him she had certainly been good to me, and if he
+would spare her life, and take her away in the cars, he could have my
+watch and scarfpin, and he took them, and they went to the cars.
+
+“She looked back at me with the saddest face I ever saw, and said:
+'O, sir, it is all a terrible dream, and I will see you in Naples, and
+explain all,' and now, by Christmas, I want to go back to town and find
+her, and rescue her from that jealous husband,” and dad got up and we
+started for the car.
+
+The man and his wife went down on the car ahead of us, and dad wouldn't
+believe they were regular bunko people, who play that game everyday on
+some old sucker, but the man that runs the car told me so.
+
+I can be responsible for dad in everything except the women he meets.
+When it comes to women, your little Hennery don't know the game at all.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+     The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children--Dad Is
+     Chased by Lions from the Coliseum--“Not Any More Rome for
+     Papa,” Says Dad.
+
+Rome, Italy.--My Dear Old “Pard:” Well, sir, if you could see me now,
+you wouldn't know me, because foreign travel has broadened me out so
+I can talk on any subject, and people of my age look upon me as an
+authority, and they surround me everywhere I go and urge me to talk.
+The fact that the boys and girls do not understand a word I say makes
+no difference. They do not wear many clothes here, and there is no style
+about them, and when they see me with a whole suit of clothes on, and
+a hat and shoes and socks, and a scarf-pin on my necktie, they think
+I must be an Americano that is too rich for any use, or something that
+ranks with a prince at least, and the boys delight to be with me and do
+errands for me, and the girls seem to be in love with me.
+
+There is no way you can tell if a girl is in love with you, except that
+she looks at you with eyes that are as black as coal, and they seem to
+burn a hole right into your insides, and when they take hold of your
+hand they hang on and squeeze like alamand-left in a dance at home, and
+they snug up to you and are as warm and cheerful as a gas stove.
+
+[Illustration: It brought on a revolution 227]
+
+Say, I sat on a bench in a plaza with a girl about my age, for an hour,
+while the other girls and boys sat on the ground and looked at us in
+admiration, and when I put my arm around her and kissed her on her
+pouting lips, it brought on a revolution. An Italian soldier policeman
+took me by the neck and threw me across the street, the girl scratched
+me with her finger nails and bit me, and yelled some grand hailing sign
+of distress, her brother and a ragged boy that was in love with the girl
+and was jealous, drew daggers, and the whole crowd yelled murder, and I
+started for our hotel on a run, and the whole population of Rome seemed
+to follow me, and I might as well have been a negro accused of crime in
+the states. I thought they would burn me at the stake, but dad came out
+of the hotel and threw a handful of small change into the crowd, and it
+was all off.
+
+After they picked up the coin they beckoned me to come out and play some
+more, but not any more for little Hennery. I have been in love in all
+countries where we have traveled, and in all languages, but this Italian
+love takes the whole bakery, and I do not go around any more without a
+chaperone. The girls are ragged and wear shawls over their heads,
+and there are holes in their dresses and their skin isn't white, like
+American girls', but is what they call olive complexion, like stuffed
+olives you buy in bottles, stuffed with cayenne pepper, but the girls
+are just like the cayenne pepper, so warm that you want to throw water
+on yourself after they have touched you. Gee, but I wouldn't want to
+live in a climate where girls were a torrid zone, 'cause I should melt,
+like an icicle that drops in a stove, and makes steam and blows up the
+whole house.
+
+Well, old man, you talk about churches, but you don't know anything
+about it. Dad and I went to St. Peter's in Rome, and it is the grandest
+thing in the world. Say, the Congregational church at home, which we
+thought so grand, could be put in one little corner of St. Peter's, and
+would look like 30 cents. St. Peter's covers ground about half a mile
+square, and when you go inside and look at grown people on the other
+side of it, they look like flies, and the organ is as big as a block of
+buildings in Chicago, and when they blow it you think the last day has
+come, and yet the music-is as sweet as a melodeon, and makes you want
+to get down on your knees with all the thousands of good Christians of
+Italy, and confess that you are a fraud that ought to be arrested.
+
+Dad and I have been to all kinds of churches, everywhere, and never
+turned a hair, but since we got to this town and got some of the
+prevailing religion into our systems, we feel guilty, and it seems as
+though everybody could see right into us, and that they knew we were
+heathen that never knew there was a God. Sure thing, I never supposed
+there were so many people in the world that worshiped their Maker, as
+there are here, and I don't wonder that all over the world good people
+look to Rome for the light. Dad keeps telling me that when we get home
+we will set an example that will make people pay attention, but he says
+he does not want to join the church until he has seen all the sights,
+and then he will swear off for good.
+
+He said to me yesterday: “Now, Hennery, I have been to all the pious
+places with you, the pope's residence, the catacombs and St. Peter's,
+where they preach from 40 different places and make you feel like giving
+up your sins, and I have looked at carvings and decorations and marble
+and jewels and seen the folly of my ways of life, and I am ripe for a
+change, but before I give up the world and all of its wickedness, I want
+blood. I want to go to the other extreme, and see the wild beasts at the
+Coliseum tear human beings limb from limb, and drink their blood, and
+see gladiators gladiate, and chop down their antagonists, and put one
+foot on their prostrate necks, like they do in the theaters, and then I
+am ready to leave this town and be good.”
+
+Well, sir, I have been in lots of tight places before, but this one beat
+the band. Here was my dad, who did not know that the Roman, gladiator
+business had been off the boards for over 2,000 years, that the eating
+of human prisoners by wild beasts in the presence of the Roman populace
+was played out, and that the Coliseum was a ruin and did not exist as
+a place of amusement. He thought everything that he had read about the
+horrors of a Roman holiday was running to-day, as a side show, and he
+wanted to see it, and I had encouraged him in his ideas, because he was
+nervous, and I didn't want to undeceive him. He had come to Rome to
+see things he couldn't find at home, and it was up to me to deliver the
+goods.
+
+Gee, but it made me sweat, 'cause I knew if dad did not get a show for
+his money he would lay it up against me, so I told him we would go to
+the Coliseum that night and see the hungry lions and tigers eat some of
+the leading citizens, just as they did when Caesar run the show. Then I
+found an American from Chicago at the hotel, who sells soap in Rome, and
+told him what dad expected of me in the way of amusement, and he said
+the only way was to take dad out to the Coliseum, and in the dark roll
+a barrel of broken glass down the tiers of seats and make him believe
+there was an earthquake that had destroyed the Coliseum, and that the
+lions and tigers were all loose, looking for people to eat, and scare
+dad and make a run back to town.
+
+[Illustration: What dad expected of me in the way of amusement 230]
+
+I didn't want to play such a scandalous trick on dad, but the Chicago
+man said that was the only way out of it, and he could get a barrel of
+broken glass for a dollar, and hire four ruffians that could roar like
+lions for a few dollars, and it would give dad good exercise, and may be
+save him from a run of Roman fever, 'cause there was nothing like a good
+sweat to knock the fever out of a fellow's system. The thing struck me
+as not only a good experience for dad, but a life saver, so I whacked up
+the money, and the Chicago soap man did the rest.
+
+After dark we went out to the ruin of the Coliseum, where a great many
+tourists go to look at the ruins by moonlight, and dad was as anxious
+and bloodthirsty as a young surgeon cutting up his first “stiff.”
+ When we got to the right place, and I told dad we were a little early,
+because the nobility were not in their seats, the villains began to roar
+three dollars' worth like hungry lions, and dad turned a little pale and
+said that sounded like the real thing.
+
+I told him we better not get too near, because we were not accustomed
+to seeing live men chewed up by beasts, and dad said he didn't care how
+near we got, as long as they chewed and tore to pieces the natives; so
+we started to work up a little nearer, when there was a noise such as I
+never heard before, as the hogshead of broken glass began to roll down
+the tiers of stone seats, and I fell over on the ground, and pushed
+dad, and he went over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus, and
+yelled that he was stabbed with a dirk.
+
+[Illustration: Went over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus
+233]
+
+I got up and fell down again, and just then the Chicago soap man came
+up on a gallop, followed by the villains playing lion and tiger, and dad
+asked the Chicago man what seemed to be the matter, and he said: “Matter
+enough; there has been an earthquake, and the Coliseum has fallen down,
+killing more than 10,-000 Romans, and the animals' cages are busted and
+the animals are loose, looking for fresh meat, and we better get right
+back to Rome, too quick, or we will be eaten alive. Come on if you are
+with me. Do you hear the lions after us?” said he, as the hired villains
+roared.
+
+[Illustration: He took the lead for good old Rome 235]
+
+Well, you'd a died to see dad get up out of that prickly cactus and take
+the lead for good old Rome. I didn't know he was such a sprinter, but
+we trailed along behind, roaring like lions and snarling like tigers and
+yip-yapping like hyenas and barking like timber wolves, and we couldn't
+see dad for the dust, on that moonlight night.
+
+We slowed up and let dad run ahead, and he got to the hotel first, and
+we paid off the villains, and finally we went in the hotel and found
+dad in the bar-room puffing and drinking a high-ball. “Pretty near hell,
+wasn't it,” said dad, to the soap man. “Did the lions catch anybody?”
+ “O, a few of the lower classes,” said the soap man, “but none of the
+nobility. The nobility were in the boxes and that part of the Coliseum
+never falls during an earthquake,” and the soap man joined dad in a
+high-ball.
+
+After dad got through puffing and had wiped about two quarts of
+perspiration off his head and neck, and the soap man had told him what
+a great thing it was to perspire in Rome, on account of the Roman fever,
+that catches a man at night and kills him before morning, dad turned
+to me and said: “Hennery, you go pack up and we get out of this in the
+morning, for I feel as though I had been chewed by one of those hyenas.
+Not any more Rome for papa,” and the high-ball party broke up, and we
+went to bed to get sleep enough to leave town.
+
+Do you know, the next morning those hired villains made the soap man and
+I pay ten dollars extra on account of straining their lungs roaring
+like lions? But we paid for their lungs all right, rather than have them
+present a bill to dad.
+
+Well, good-by, old man. We are getting all the fun there is going.
+
+Your only,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope--They Bow to the King
+     of Italy and His Nine Spots--Dad Finds That “The Catacombs”
+      Is Not a Comic Opera.
+
+Rome, Italy.--Dear Old Friend: You remember, don't you when you were
+a boy, playing “tag, you're it,” and “button, button, who's got the
+button?” that one of the trying situations was to be judged to “go to
+Rome,” which meant that you were to kiss every girl in the room.
+
+[Illustration: Had to kiss anybody they brought to me 238]
+
+I never got enough “going to Rome” when I attended church sociables
+and parties, but always got blindfolded, and had to kiss anybody they
+brought to me, which was usually a boy or a colored cook, so I teased
+dad to take me to Rome, and when he got over his being rattled and
+robbed and burned by lava at Vesuvius, he said he didn't care where
+he went, and, besides, I told him about the Roman Coliseum, where they
+turned hungry tigers and lions and hyenas loose among the gladiators,
+and the people could see the beasts eat them alive, and dad said that
+was something like it, as the way he had been robbed and misued in
+Italy, he would enjoy seeing a good share of the population chewed by
+lions, if the lions could stand it. I didn't tell dad that the wild
+animal show had not been running for a couple of thousand years, 'cause
+I thought he would find it out when we got here.
+
+Say, old man, I guess I can help you to locate Rome. You remember the
+time I spoke a piece at the school exhibition, when I put my hand inside
+my flannel shirt, like an orator, and said: “And this is Rome, that
+sat on her seven hills, and from her throne of beauty ruled the whole
+world.” Well, this is it, where I am now, but the seven hills have been
+graded down, and Rome don't rule the whole world a little bit; but she
+has got religion awful.
+
+The pope lives here, and he is the boss of more religious people than
+anybody, and though you may belong to any other kind of church, and when
+you are home you don't care a continental for any religion except your
+own, or your wife's religion, and you act like an infidel, and scoff
+at good people, when you get to Rome and see the churches thicker than
+saloons in Milwaukee, and everybody attending church and looking pious,
+you catch the fever, and try to forget bad things you have done, and if
+you get a chance to see the pope, you may go to his palace just 'cause
+you want to see everything that is going on, and you think you don't
+care whether school keeps or not, and you feel independent, as though
+this religion was something for weak people to indulge in, and finally
+you come face to face with the pope, and see his beautiful face, and his
+grand eyes, and his every movement is full of pious meaning, you “penuk”
+ right there, and want to kneel down and let him bless you, by gosh.
+
+Say, I never saw dad weaken like he did when the pope came in. We got
+tickets to go to his reception, but dad said he had rather go to the
+catacombs, or the lion show at the Coliseum. He said he didn't want to
+encourage popes, because he didn't believe they amounted to any more
+than presiding elders at home. He said he had always been a Baptist, and
+they didn't have any popes in his church, and he didn't believe in 'em,
+but some other Americans were going to see the pope, and dad consented
+to go, under protest, it being understood that he didn't care two
+whoops, anyway.
+
+Well, sir, we went, and it was the grandest thing you ever saw. There
+were guards by the thousand, beautiful gardens that would make Central
+Park look like a hay marsh, hundreds of people in church vestments, and
+an air of sanctity that we never dreamed; jewels that are never seen
+outside the pope's residence, and we lined up to see the holy father
+pass.
+
+Gee, but dad trembled like a dog tied out in the snow, and the
+perspiration stood out on his face, and he looked sorry for himself.
+Then came the procession, all nobles and great people, and then there
+was a party of pious men carrying the most beautiful man we ever saw on
+a platform above us, and it was the pope, and he smiled at me, and the
+tears came to my eyes, and I couldn't swallow something which I s'pose
+was my sins, and then he looked at dad, and held up one hand, and dad
+was pale, and there was no funny business about dad any more, and then
+they set the platform down and the pope sat in a chair, and those who
+wanted to went up to him, and he blessed them.
+
+[Illustration: For awhile dad dassent go up 241]
+
+Say, for awhile dad dassent go up, 'cause he thought the pope could see
+right through him, and would know he was a Baptist, but the rest of the
+Americans were going up, and dad didn't want to be eccentric, so he and
+I went up. The pope put out his hand to dad, and instead of shaking it,
+as he would the hand of any other man on earth, and asking how his folks
+were, dad bent over and kissed the pope's hand, and the pope blessed
+him. Dad looked like a new man, a good man, and when the pope put his
+hand on my head, and blessed me, my heart came up in my throat, 'cause
+I thought he must know of all the mean things I had ever done, but I can
+feel his soft, beautiful hand on my head now, and from this out I would
+fight any boy twice my size that ever said a word against the pope and
+his religion. When we got outside dad says to me: “Hennery, don't you
+ever let me hear of your doing a thing that would make the good man
+sorry if he was to hear about it.” And we went to our hotel and stayed
+all the afternoon, and all night, and just thought of that pope's
+angelic face, and when one of the Americans came to our room and wanted
+dad to play cinch, he was indignant, and said: “I would as soon think
+of robbing a child's bank,” and we went to bed, and if dad wasn't a
+converted man I never saw one.
+
+Well, sir, trouble, and sorrow, and religion, don't last very long on
+dad. The next morning we talked things over, and I quoted all the Roman
+stuff I could think of to dad, such as “In that elder day, to be a Roman
+was greater than a king,” but before I could think twice there was a
+commotion in the streets and a porter came and made us take off our
+hats, because the king was riding by, and we looked at the king, and dad
+was hot. He said that fellow was nothing but a railroad hand, disguised
+in a uniform, and, by ginger, if we had seen that king out west working
+on a railroad, with canvas clothes on, he would not have looked like
+a king, on a bet. There was nothing but his good clothes that stood
+between the king and a dago digging sewers in Chicago.
+
+After the king and his ninespots had passed, dad said: “When you are in
+Rome, you must do as the Romans do,” and he said he wanted to get
+that heavy feeling off his shoulders, which he got at the religious
+procession, and wanted me to suggest something devilish that we could
+do, and I told him we better go and see the “Catacombs.” He wanted
+to know if it was anything like “a trip to Chinatown,” or the “Black
+Crook,” and I told him it was worse. Then he asked me if there was much
+low neck and long stockings in the “Catacombs,” and I told him there was
+a plenty, and he said he was just ripe to see that kind of a show, and
+so we took a carriage for the “Catacombs,” and dad could hardly keep
+still till we got there.
+
+I suppose I ought to be killed for fooling dad, but he craved for
+excitement, and he got it. The “Catacombs” are where Roman citizens have
+been buried for thousands of years, in graves hewn out of solid rock,
+and they are petrified, and after they have laid in the graves for a
+few hundred years, the mummified bodies are taken out and stood up in
+corners, if the bodies will hang together, and if not the bones are
+piled up around for scenery.
+
+We had to take torches to go in, and we wandered through corridors,
+gazing at the remains, until dad asked one of the men with us what it
+all meant, and the man said it was the greatest show on earth. Dad began
+to think he was nutty, and when I laughed, and said: “That is great,”
+ and clapped my hands, and said: “Encore,” dad stopped and said:
+“Hennery, this is no leg show, this is a morgue,” but to cheer him up I
+told him his head must be wrong, and I pointed to about a hundred dried
+corpses, a thousand years old, in a corner, with grinning skulls all
+around, and told him that was the ballet, and told him to look at the
+leading dancer, and asked him if she wasn't a beaut, from Butte, Mont.,
+and that killed dad. He leaned against me, and said his eyes must have
+gone back on him, because everything looked dead to him. I told him he
+would get over it after awhile, and to stay where he was while I went
+and spoke to one of the ballet that was beckoning to me, and I left him
+there, dazed, and went around a corner and hid.
+
+People were coming along with torches all the time, looking at the
+catacombs and reading the inscriptions cut in the rock, and after awhile
+I went back to where I left dad, and he was gone, but after awhile I
+found him standing up with the stiffs. He was glad to see me, and wanted
+to know if I thought he was' dead. I told him I was sure he was alive,
+though he had a deathly look on his face.
+
+[Illustration: He would break me up into bones, and throw me into a pile
+246]
+
+“Well, sir,” says dad, “I thought it was all over with me, after you
+left, for a man came along and moved me around, and took hold under my
+arms and jumped me along here by these stiffs, and told me if I didn't
+stay where I belonged he would break me up into bones, and throw me into
+a pile, and I thought I would have to do as the Romans do and stay here,
+and before the man left me he reached into my pocket and took my money,
+and said I couldn't spend any money in there where I was going to stay
+for a million years, and, by gosh, I was so petrified I couldn't stop
+him from robbing me. Say, Hennery, they will rob you anywhere, even in
+the grave, and if this Catacomb show is over, and the curtain has gone
+down, I want to get out of here, and go to the Coliseum or the Roman
+amphitheater, where the wild beasts eat people alive.” And so we left
+the Catacombs and went back to town, and dad began to show life again.
+Say, you tell the folks at home that dad is gaining every day, and his
+vacation is doing him good. He has promised to kill me for taking him to
+the Catacomb show, but dad never harbors revenge for long, and I guess
+your little nephew will pull through. I wish I had my skates, cause dad
+wants to go to Russia.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+     The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble
+     They Had to Get There--Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with
+     the People and Soldiers.
+
+St. Petersburg, Russia.--My Dear Groceryow-ski: Well, sir, I 'spose
+you will be surprised to hear from me in Russia, but there was no use
+talking when Dad said he was going to St. Petersburg if it was the last
+act of his life. He got talking with a Japaneser in Rome and the Jap
+said the war in the far east would last until every Russian was killed,
+unless America interfered to put a stop to it, and as Roosevelt didn't
+appear to have sand enough to offer his services to the czar, what it
+needed was for some representative American citizen who was brave and
+had nerve to go to St. Petersburg and see the czarovitch and give him
+the benefit of a good American talk. The Jap said the American who
+brought about peace, by a few well chosen remarks, would be the greatest
+man of the century, and would live to be bowed down to by kings and
+emperors and all the world would doff hats to him.
+
+At first dad was a little leary about going on such a mission without
+credentials from Washington, but as luck would have it, he met an exiled
+Russian at a restaurant, who told dad that he reminded him of Gen.
+Grant, because dad had a wart on the side of his nose, and he told
+dad that Russia would keep on fighting until every Japanese was killed
+unless some distinguished American should be raised up who deemed it
+his duty to go to St. Petersburg and see the Little Father, and in
+the interest of humanity advise the czar to call a halt before he had
+exterminated the whole yellow race. Dad asked the Russian if he thought
+the czar would grant an audience to an American of eminence in his own
+country, and the Russian told dad that Nicholas just doted on Americans,
+and that there was hardly ever an American ballet dancer that went to
+Russia but what the czar sent for her to come and see him and dance
+before the grand dukes, and he always gave them jewels and cans of
+caviar as souvenirs of their visit.
+
+[Illustration: The Russian told dad that Nicholas just doted on
+Americans 250]
+
+Dad thought it over all night, and the next morning we started for
+Russia and I wish we had joined an expedition to discover the North Pole
+instead of coming here. Say, it is harder to get into Russia than it
+would be to get out of a penitentiary at home. At the frontier we were
+met by guards on horseback and on foot, policemen, detectives and other
+grafters, who took our passports and money, and one fellow made me
+exchange my socks with him. Then they imprisoned us in a stable with
+some cows until they could hold a coroner's inquest on our passports and
+divide our money. We slept with the cows the first night in Russia, and
+I do not want to sleep again with animals that chew cuds all night, and
+get up half a dozen times to hump up their backs and stretch and bellow.
+We never slept a wink, and could look out through the cracks in the
+stable and see the guards shaking dice for our money.
+
+[Illustration: See the guards shaking dice for our money 253]
+
+Finally they looked at the great seal on our passports and saw it was an
+American document, and they began to turn pale, as pale as a Russian
+can get without using soap, and when I said, “Washington, embassador,
+minister plenipotentiary, Roosevelt, Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight, E
+Pluribus Unum, whoopla, San Juan Hill,” and pointed to dad, who was just
+coming out of the stable, looking like Washington at Valley Forge, the
+guards and other robbers bowed to dad, gave him a bag full of Russian
+money in place of that which they had taken away, and let us take a
+freight train for St. Petersburg, and they must have told the train men
+who we were, because everybody on the cars took off their hats to us,
+and divided their lunch with us.
+
+Dad could not understand the change in the attitude of the people
+towards us until I told him that they took him for a distinguished
+American statesman, and that as long as we were in Russia he must try
+to look like George Washington and act like Theodore Roosevelt, so every
+little while dad would stand up in the aisle of the car and pose like
+George Washington and when anybody gave him a sandwich or a cigarette
+he would show his teeth and say, “Deelighted,” and all the way to St.
+Petersburg dad carried out his part of the programme and we were not
+robbed once on the trip, but dad tried to smoke one of the cigarettes
+that was given him by a Cossack, and he died in my arms, pretty near.
+
+They make cigarettes out of baled hay that has been used for beddings
+and covered with paper that has been used to poison flies. I never
+smelled anything so bad since they fumigated our house by the board of
+health after the hired girl had smallpox.
+
+Well, we got to St. Petersburg in an awful time, and went to a hotel,
+suspected by the police, and marked as undesirable guests by the
+Cossacks, and winked at by the walking delegates and strikers, who
+thought we were non-union men looking for their jobs.
+
+The next day the religious ceremony of “blessing the Neva” took place,
+where all the population gets out on the bank of the river, with
+overshoes on, and fur coats, and looks down on the river, covered with
+ice four feet thick, and the river is blessed. In our country the people
+would damn a river that had ice four feet thick, but in Russia they
+bless anything that will stand it. We got a good place on the bank of
+the river, with about a million people who had sheepskin coats on,
+and who steamed like a sheep ranch, and were enjoying the performance,
+looking occasionally at the Winter palace, where the czar was peeking
+out of a window, wondering from which direction a bomb would come to
+blow him up, when a battery of artillery across the river started
+to fire a salute, and then the devil was to pay. It seems that the
+gentlemen who handled the guns, and who were supposed to fire blank
+cartridges into the air, put in loaded cartridges, filled with grape
+shot, and took aim at the Winter palace, and cut loose at Mr. Czar.
+
+Well, you would have been paralyzed to see the change that came over
+that crowd, blessing the river one minute and damning the czar and the
+grand dukes the next. The shot went into the Winter palace and tore the
+furniture and ripped up the ceiling of the room the czar was in, and in
+a moment all was chaos, as though every Russian knew the czar was to be
+assassinated at that particular moment, and all rushed toward the Winter
+palace as though they expected pieces of the Little Father would be
+thrown out the window for them to play football with. For a people who
+are supposed to be lawful and law-abiding, and who love their rulers, it
+seemed strange to see them all so tickled when they thought he was blown
+higher than a kite by his own soldiers.
+
+Dad and I started with the crowd for the Winter palace, and then we had
+a taste of monarchial government. The crowd was rushing over us and dad
+got mad and pulled off his coat and said he could whip any confounded
+foreigner that rubbed against him with a sheepskin coat on, and he was
+just on the point of smiting a fellow with whiskers that looked like
+scrambled bristles off a black hog when a regiment of Cossacks came down
+on the crowd, riding horses like a wild west show, and with whips in
+their hands, with a dozen lashes to each whip, and they began to lash
+the crowd and ride over them, while the people covered their faces with
+their arms, and run away, afraid of the whips, which cut and wound and
+kill, as each lash has little lead bullets fastened to them and a stroke
+of the whip is like being shot with buck shot or kicked with a frozen
+boot.
+
+[Illustration: a Cossack rode right up to him and lashed him over the
+back 258]
+
+Well, sir, dad was going to show the Cossacks that he was pretty near an
+American citizen and didn't propose to be whipped like a school boy by
+a teacher that looked like a valentine, so he tried to look like George
+Washington defying the British, but it didn't work, for a Cossack rode
+right up to him and lashed him over the back (and about 15 buck shot in
+his whip took dad right where the pants are tight when you bend over to
+pick up something) and the Cossack laughed when dad straightened up and
+started to run. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad.
+He started for our hotel, and as good a sprinter as I am I couldn't
+keep up with him, but I kept him in sight. Before we got to the hotel
+a sledge came along, not an “old sledge,” such as you play with cards,
+high-low-Jack-game, but a sort of a sleigh, with three horses abreast,
+and I yelled to dad to take a hitch on the sledge, and he grabbed on
+with his feet on the runners, and a man in the sledge with a uniform
+on, who seemed to be a grand duke, 'cause everybody was chasing him
+and yelling to head him off, hit dad in the nose with the butt of a
+revolver, and dad fell off in the snow and the crowd that was chasing
+the grand duke picked dad up and carried him on their shoulders because
+they thought he had tried to assassinate the duke, and we were escorted
+to our hotel by the strikers.
+
+[Illustration: Hit dad in the nose with the butt of a revolver 255]
+
+We didn't know what they were, but you can tell the laboring men here
+because they wear blouses and look hungry, and when they left us the
+landlord notified the police that suspicious characters were at the
+hotel, and came there escorted by the mob, and the police surrounded the
+house and dad went to our room and used witch hazel on himself where
+the Cossack hit him with the loaded whip. He says Russia will pay pretty
+dear for that stroke of the whip by the Cossack, and I think dad is
+going to join the revolution that is going to be pulled off next Sunday.
+
+They are going to get about a million men to take a petition to the
+czar, workingmen and anarchists, and dad says he is going as an American
+anarchist who is smarting from injustice, and I guess no native is
+smarting more than dad is, 'cause he has to stand up to eat and lie on
+his stummick to sleep. There is going to be a hades of a time here in
+St. Petersburg this next week, and dad and I are going to be in it clear
+up to our necks.
+
+Dad has given up trying to see the czar about stopping the war and says
+the czar and the whole bunch can go plum (to the devil) and he will die
+with the mob and follow a priest who is stirring the people to revolt.
+
+Gee, I hope dad will not get killed here and be buried in a trench with
+a thousand Russians, smelling as they do.
+
+I met a young man from Chicago, who is here selling reapers for the
+harvester trust, and he says if you are once suspected of having
+sympathy with the working people who are on a strike you might just as
+well say your prayers and take rough on rats, 'cause the Cossacks will
+get you, and he would advise me and dad to get out of here pretty quick,
+but when I told dad about it he put one hand on his heart and the other
+on his pants and said “Arnica, arnica, arnica!” and the police that
+were on guard near his room thought he meant anarchy, and they sent four
+detectives to stay in dad's room.
+
+The people here, the Chicago young man told me, think the Cossacks are
+human hyenas, that they have had their hearts removed by a surgical
+operation when young, and a piece of gizzard put in in place of the
+heart, and that they are natural murderers, the sight of blood acting
+on them the same as champagne on a human being, and that but for the
+Cossacks Russia would have a population of loving subjects that would
+make it safe for the Little Father to go anywhere in Russia unattended,
+but with Cossacks ready to whip and murder and laugh at suffering, the
+people are becoming like men bitten by rabid dogs, and they froth at the
+mouth and have spasms and carry bombs up their sleeves, ready to blow up
+the members of the royal family, and there you are.
+
+If you do not hear from me after next Sunday you can put dad's obituary
+and mine in the local papers and say we died of an overdose of Cossack.
+If we get through this revolution alive you will hear from me, but this
+is the last revolution I am going to attend.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+     Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints--The Bad Boy
+     Arranges a Wolf Hunt--Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the
+     Wolves.
+
+St. Petersburg, Russia.--My Dear Grocery-witz: Well, sir, dad and I have
+got too much of Russia the quickest of any two tourists you ever heard
+of. That skirmish we saw, the day the Russians blessed the Neva, and
+shot blank cartridges filled with old iron at the czar, was not a marker
+to the trouble the next Sunday, when the working people marched to the
+Winter Palace, to present a petition to the “Little Father.”
+
+We thought a revolution was like a play, and that it would be worth
+going miles to see. Dad was in South America once when there was a
+revolution, where more than a dozen greasers, with guns that wouldn't
+shoot, put on a dozen different kinds of uniforms, and yelled: “Down
+with the government,” and frothed at the mouth, and drank buttermilk and
+yelled Spanish swear words, and acted brave, until a native soldier with
+white pajamas came out with a gun and shot one of the revolutionists
+in the thumb, when the revolution was suppressed and the next day the
+revolutionists were pounding stone, with cannon balls chained to their
+legs; and dad thought a revolution in Russia would be something like
+that, and that we could get on a front porch and watch it as it went
+by, and joke with the revolution, and throw confetti, like it was a
+carnival, but that Sunday that the Russian revolution was begun, we had
+enough blood to last us all our lives.
+
+We got a place sitting on an iron picket fence, and we saw the people
+coming up the street towards the Winter Palace, dressed mostly in
+blouses, and looking as innocent as a crowd of sewer diggers at home
+going up to the city hall to ask for a raise in wages of two shillings a
+day. Nobody had a gun, and no one would have known how to use a gun,
+and all looked like poor people going to prayers. There were troops
+everywhere, and every soldier acted as though he was afraid something
+would happen to spoil their chance of killing anybody. The snow on the
+streets was clean and as white as the wings of a peace dove, and dad
+said the show was no better than a parade of laboring men at home on
+Labor day.
+
+Suddenly some officer yelled to the parade to stop, and the priest
+at the head of the procession, who was carrying a cross, slowed up a
+little, like the drum major of a band when the populace at home begins
+to throw eggs, but they kept on, and then the shooting began, and in a
+minute men, women and children were rolling in the snow, bleeding and
+dying, the marchers were too stunned to run, and the deadly guns kept on
+spitting fire, and the street was full of dead and dying, and then the
+Cossacks rode over the dead and sabered and knouted the living, and as
+the snow was patched with red blood, dad fainted away and fell off the
+picket fence, and hung by one pant leg, which caught on a picket, and
+crowds rushed in every direction, and it was an hour before I could get
+a drosky to haul dad to the hotel.
+
+[Illustration: Hung by one pant leg 264]
+
+Dad collapsed when he got to the hotel, and I got a doctor and a nurse,
+and for two days I had to watch the revolution alone, while dad had fits
+of remorse 'cause he brought me to such a charnel house, he said.
+
+Well, if you ever go anywhere, traveling for pleasure, do not go to
+Russia, because it is the saddest place on earth. I have seen no person
+smile or laugh in all the ten days we have been here, except a Cossack
+when he run a saber through a little girl, and his laugh was like the
+coyote on the prairie when he captures a little lamb. The people look
+either heart-broken or snarly, like the people confined in an insane
+asylum at home.
+
+The czar, who a week ago was loved by the people, who believed if they
+went to him, as to their God, and appealed for guidance, is to-day hated
+by all, and instead of “Nicholas the Good,” since he scampered away to a
+castle in the country, and crawled under a bed, all the people call him
+“the Little Jack Rabbit,” and his fate is sealed, as a bomb will blow
+him into pieces so small they will have to be swept up in a dustpan for
+burial, maybe before dad and I can get out of Russia.
+
+Going to St. Petersburg for a pleasant outing is a good deal like
+visiting the Chicago stockyards to watch the bloody men kill the cattle,
+and the butchers in the stockyards, calloused against any feeling for
+suffering animals, are like the soldiers here who shoot down their
+neighbors because they are hired to do so. The murder of those unarmed
+working men, that Sunday, has changed a helpless, pleading people
+into anarchists with deadly bombs in their blouses, where they were
+accustomed to carry black bread to sustain life, and with the menace of
+Japan in the far east and an outraged people at home, Russia is in a
+bad way, and if I was the czar or a grand duke, I would find a woodchuck
+hole and arrange with the woodchuck for a furnished flat.
+
+I didn't think there was going to be anything going on in Russia except
+bloodshed and bombs, and things to make you sorry that you were here,
+and I was willing to take chloroform and let them carry me home in a
+box, with my description on the cover, until the doctor told me that dad
+was in a condition of nervousness, that he needed something to happen to
+get his mind off of the awful scenes he had witnessed, and asked me if I
+couldn't think of something to excite him and wake him up, and then dad
+said, after he got so he could go out doors: “Hennery, you have always
+been Johnny on the spot when I needed diversion, and I want you to take
+your brain apart, and oil the works, and see if you can't conjure up
+something to get my blood circulating and my pores open for business,
+and anything you think of goes, and I swear I will not kick if you scare
+the boots off of me.”
+
+Well, that was right into my hand; and I set my mind to strike at four
+p. m. I had been out riding once with the Chicago man, in a sledge, with
+three horses abreast, all runaway horses, and the driver was a Cossack
+who lashed the horses into a run every smooth place he found in the
+road, and it was like running to a fire, so I got the Chicago fellow
+to go with me and we found the Cossack, and he was drunker than usual.
+There is a kind of liquor here called vodka, which skins wood alcohol
+and carbolic acid to a finish, and when a man is full of it he is so mad
+he wants to cut his own throat. This driver had put up sideboards on his
+neck and had two jags in one, and we hired him by the hour.
+
+I told the Chicago man the circumstances and that I had got to get dad
+out of his trance, and he said he would help me. When I was out riding
+the day before I noticed that the road was full of great dane dogs, wolf
+hounds and stag hounds, which followed their master's sledges out in
+the country, and the dogs loafed around, hungry, looking for bones, and
+fighting each other, so I decided to get the dogs to chase our sledge
+and make dad think we were chased by wolves. I thought that would make
+dad stand without hitching, and it did.
+
+The Chicago man bought some cannon firecrackers, and I bought a cow's
+liver, and hitched it to a rope, and hid it in the back seat, and my
+Chicago friend and I took the back seat, and we got dad in the seat
+behind the driver, and started about an hour before dark out in the
+country, through a piece of woods that looked quite wolfy. On the way
+out the driver let his horses run away a few times, like you have seen
+in Russian pictures, and dad was beginning to sit up and take notice,
+and seemed to act like a man who expects every minute to be thrown over
+a precipice and mixed up with dead horses. Dad touched the driver once
+on the coat-tail and told him not to hurry so confounded fast, and the
+driver thought he was complaining because it was too slow, and he gave
+a Comanche yell and threw the lines into the air, and the horses just
+skedaddled, and run into a snow bank and tipped over the sledge, and
+piled us out on top of dad, but dad only said: “This is getting good.”
+
+[Illustration: Piled us out on top of dad 269]
+
+We righted up, and dad wanted to know where all the pups came from that
+we had passed. I had been throwing out pieces of meat into the road for
+a mile or so, and the dogs were having a picnic. It was getting pretty
+dark by this time, and we started back to town, and I threw out my
+liver, fastened to the rope, and the Chicago man, who had given the
+driver a drink of vodka when we tipped over, told him, in Russian, that
+when the dogs began to follow us, to get hold of the liver, to yell
+“wolves,” and give the team the rein, for a five-mile run, and yell all
+the time, because we wanted to give the old gentleman a good time.
+
+Well, uncle, I would have given anything if you could have seen dad,
+when the dogs began to chase that liver, and bark and fight each other.
+The driver yelled something in Russian, and pointed back with his whip,
+the Chicago man said: “My God, we are pursued by a pack of ravenous
+wolves, and there is no hope for us,” and I began to cry, and implored
+dad, if he loved me, to save me.
+
+[Illustration: Dad stood up in the sledge 267]
+
+[Illustration: Pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves 271]
+
+Dad stood up in the sledge and looked back, and saw the wolves, and
+he was scared, but he said the only thing to do was to throw something
+overboard for them to be chewing on while we got away, but he sat down
+and pulled a robe over his head and his lips were moving, but I do not
+know whom he was addressing.
+
+The Chicago man touched off a couple of cannon firecrackers behind the
+sledge, but that only kept the dogs back for a minute, and dad said
+probably the best thing to do was to throw me overboard and let them eat
+me, and I said: “Nay, nay, Pauline,” and then I think dad fainted away,
+for he never peeped again until the team had run away a lot more, and
+I cut my liver rope, and when we got into the suburbs of St. Petersburg
+the dogs had overtaken the liver, and were fighting over it.
+
+The driver had to pull up his horses as we struck the town, and dad must
+have got a whiff of the driver's vodka, because he come to, and we
+got to the hotel all right, and I thought dad would simply die in his
+tracks, but the ride and the excitement did him good, and he wanted to
+buy a gun and go out wolf hunting the next day, but our tickets were
+bought and we shall get out of this terrible country to-morrow.
+
+Dad woke me, up in the night and wanted to know if I saw him when he
+pulled his knife and wanted to get out and fight the pack of wolves
+single-handed. I am not much of a liar, but I told him I remembered it
+well, and it demonstrated to me that he was as brave a man as the czar,
+“the Little Jack Rabbit,” as his people call him.
+
+Well, thanks to my wolf hunt, dad is all right again, and now we shall
+go to some country where there is peace. I don't know where we will find
+it, but if such a country exists, your little Henry will catch on, if
+dad's money holds out.
+
+Yours, covered with Gore.
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+     Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople--They Find the
+     Turks Sensitive on the Dog Question--A College Yell for the
+     Sultan Sends Him Into a Fit.
+
+Constantinople, Turkey.--My Dear Old “Shriner”--We got out of Russia
+just in time to keep from being arrested or blown up with a bomb. Dad
+wanted to go to Moscow, because he saw a picture once of Moscow being
+destroyed by fire by Napoleon, or somebody, and he wanted to see if they
+had ever built the town up again, but I felt as though something serious
+was going to, happen in that country if we didn't look out, and so I
+persuaded dad to go to Turkey, and the day we started for Constantinople
+we got the news that the Nihilists had thrown a bomb under the carriage
+of the Grand Duke Sergius and blew him and the carriage into small
+pieces not bigger than a slice of summer sausage, and they had to sweep
+his remains up in a dustpan and bury them in a two-quart fruit jar.
+Wouldn't that jar you?
+
+When dad heard about that you couldn't have kept him in Russia on a bet,
+and so we let the authorities have all the money we had, giving some to
+each man who held us up, until we got out of the country, and then we
+took the first long breath we had taken since we struck the Godforsaken
+country of the czar. If the bombs hold out I do not think there will
+be a quorum left in Russia in a year, either czars, dukes or anything
+except peasants on the verge of starvation and workingmen who have not
+the heart to work. I wouldn't take the whole of Russia as a gift, and
+have to dodge bombs night and day.
+
+Say, old man, you never dreamed that I knew all about you and dad
+joining the Masons that time, but I watched you and dad giving each
+other signs and grips, and whispering passwords into each other's ears,
+in the grocery, nights, after you had locked up. I thought, at the time,
+that you and dad were planning a burglary, but when you both went to the
+lodge one night and stayed till near morning, and dad came home with a
+red Turkish fez and told ma that you and he had joined the shrine, which
+was the highest degree in Masonry, and you and he were nobles, and all
+that rot, I was on to you bigger than a house, and you couldn't fool me
+when you and dad winked at each other and talked about crossing the hot
+sands of the desert.
+
+Well, dad brought his red fez along, 'cause I think he expected he would
+meet shriners all over the world, that he could borrow money of. When we
+struck Constantinople and dad saw that every last one of the Turks wore
+a red fez, he felt as though he had got among shriners, and he got his
+fez out of his trunk and he wears it all the time.
+
+Dad acts as familiar with the Turks here as though he owned a harem. We
+go to the low streets, about as wide as a street car, where Turks are
+selling things, with dad wearing his fez, and he begins to make motions
+and give grand hailing signs of distress, and the Turks look at him
+as though he had robbed a bank, and they charge enormous prices for
+everything, and dad pays with a smile, thinking his brother Masons are
+fairly giving things away. He looks upon all men who wear the fez as his
+brothers, and they look at him as though he was crazy in the head.
+
+The only trouble is that dad insists on talking to the women here
+without an introduction, and a woman in Turkey had rather die than
+have a Christian dog look at her. Dad was buying some wormy figs of a
+merchant, who was seated on the floor of his shop, and giving him signs,
+when a curtain behind the Turk was pulled one side and a woman with
+beautiful eyes and her face covered with a veil, came out with a cup of
+coffee for the Turk. Dad shook hands with her, and said: “Your husband
+and I belong to the same lodge,” and he was going to go inside and visit
+the family, when the woman drew a small dagger out of the folds of her
+dress, and the Turk drew one of these scimeters, and it looked for a
+moment as though I was going to be a half orphan, particularly when
+dad put his hand on her shoulder and petted it, and smiled one of those
+masher smiles which he uses at home, and said: “My good woman, you must
+not get in the habit of jabbing your husband's friends with this crooked
+cutlery, though to be killed by so handsome a woman would indeed be a
+sweet death,” but the bluff did not go, and the woman disappeared behind
+the curtain, and dad had the frantic husband to deal with.
+
+[Illustration: When dad put his hand on her shoulder and petted it 276]
+
+I have never seen a human being look as murderous as that Turk did as
+he drew his thumb across the blade of his knife, drew up his lip and
+snarled like a dog that has been bereaved of a promising bone by a
+brother dog that was larger.
+
+The Turk looked through his teeth, and his eyes seemed to act like small
+arc lights, that were to show him where to cut dad, and dad began to
+turn pale, and looked scared.
+
+“Give him the grand hailing sign of distress,” said I as dad leaned
+against a barrel of dried prunes. Dad said he had forgotten the sign,
+and then I told him the only way out of it, alive, would be to buy
+something, so dad picked up a little jim-crack worth about ten cents,
+and gave the Turk a five-dollar gold piece, and while the Turk went
+in behind the curtain to get the change I told dad now was the time
+to skip, and you ought to have seen dad make a sprint out the door and
+around a corner, and up another street, while I followed him, and we
+got away from the danger of being stabbed, but dad got his foot into it
+again before we had gone a block.
+
+Nobody in Constantinople ever hurries, or goes off a walk, so when the
+people saw an old man, with a fez on his head, running amuck, as they
+say here, followed by a beautiful boy, they began to crawl into their
+holes, thinking dad was crazy, but when we were passing a sausage store,
+where about 20 dogs were asleep in the street, and dad kicked half a
+dozen dogs and yelled, “get out, you hounds,” that settled it, and they
+knew he was wrong in the head, and they yelled for the police, and we
+were pulled for fast driving, and taken before a Turkish justice of the
+peace, followed by the whole crowd.
+
+[Illustration: Get out you hounds 282]
+
+The justice did not wear a fez, but had on a turban, so dad did not give
+him any signs, but after jabbering a while they sent for an interpreter,
+who could talk pigeon English, and then dad had a trial, and I acted
+as his lawyer. I told about how dad had tried to be kind and genial to
+another man's wife, and how, in his hurry to get away from the murderous
+husband he fell over a mess of dogs, and that he was a distinguished
+American, who was in Turkey to negotiate a loan to the sultan.
+
+Say, that fixed them, and they all made salams to dad, and bowed all
+over themselves, and the justice of the peace prayed to Allah, and the
+interpreter said we could go, but to be careful about touching a Turkish
+woman or a dog, particularly a dog, as the Turks were very sensitive on
+the dog question. So we went out of the courtroom and wandered around
+the town, and you can bet that dad didn't look at any more women, though
+they were everywhere with veils that covered their faces so nothing but
+their eyes could be seen.
+
+Gee, but you never saw such eyes as these Turkish women have. They are
+big and black, and they go right through you, and clinch on the other
+side. Dad says the facilities for getting into trouble are better in
+Constantinople than any place we have been, as the men look like bandits
+and the women look like executioners. Dad thanked me for helping him
+out of that scrape by claiming he was the agent of a financial syndicate
+that wanted to lend money to the sultan. If I had said dad was a
+collecting agency, to make the sultan pay up, they would have sentenced
+him to be boiled in oil.
+
+Well, we thought we had been in trouble before, but we are in it now
+worse than ever. We heard at the hotel that at 11 o'clock in the morning
+the sultan would pass by in a carriage, with an escort, on the way to a
+mosque, to pray to Allah, and everybody could see the sultan, so we got
+a place on a balcony, and at the appointed time the procession came in
+sight. It was imposing, but solemn, and the people on both sides of the
+street acted like they do in America when the funeral of a great man is
+passing. No man spoke, and all looked as though they expected, if they
+moved, to be arrested and have a stone tied to their feet and thrown
+into the Bosphorus, the way they kill one of the sultan's wives when she
+flirts with a stranger.
+
+We watched the soldiers, and finally the carriage of the sultan came,
+and in it was a dried up man, with liver complaint, with a nose like an
+eagle, and eyes like shoe buttons. He looked as though death would be
+a relief, and yet he seemed afraid of it, and there was no sound of
+welcome, such as there would be if Roosevelt was riding down Michigan
+avenue at Chicago, on the way to the stockyards to pray to Armour,
+instead of to Allah.
+
+You could have heard a pin drop. I said: “Dad, this is too solemn, even
+for a sultan. Let's give him the university yell, and show that mummy
+that he has got two friends in Constantinople, anyway.” “Here she goes,”
+ says dad, and we leaned over the railing, just as the sultan's carriage
+was right in front of us and not ten feet away, and in that oppressive
+silence dad and I opened up, “U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin, zip-boom-Ah!”
+ and then we started to sing, “There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
+To-Night.”
+
+[Illustration: There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-Night 279]
+
+Well, if any man in the crowd had touched off a bomb, there could have
+been no greater consternation. The sultan turned pale, as pale as so
+yellow a man could, and became faint, and fell over into the arms of a
+general who sat beside him, the Bazi Bazouks on horseback began to ride
+up and down the street, the crowd scattered, the sultan's carriage was
+turned around and rushed back to the palace, with the ruler of Turkey
+having a fit, and about a hundred soldiers came up on the veranda, where
+dad and I had broke up the procession, and they lit on dad like buzzards
+on a dead horse, and took possession of the hotel, and began to search
+our baggage.
+
+[Illustration: Another took me by the ear 285]
+
+One Turk choked dad until his tongue hung out of his mouth, and another
+took me by the ear and stretched it out so it was long as a mule's ear,
+and they took us to a bastile and dad says it is all up with us now,
+because they will drown us like a mess of kittens in a bag, and all
+because we woke them up with a football yell in the wrong place.
+
+Well, we might as well wind up our career here as anywhere. Good-by, old
+man. You will see our obituary in the papers.
+
+Your repentant,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem--“Little
+     Egypt” Does a Dancing Stunt--The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty
+     Wives to the President.
+
+Constantinople, Turkey.--My Dear Grocer-pasha: When I wrote you last
+I thought you would be in mourning for dad and I before this, as there
+seemed nothing for the Turks to do but to kill us after we had stampeded
+the sultan and all his soldiers by giving them a university yell, but
+after we had been confined in a sort of jail over night, dad and I had
+a heart to heart talk, and my diplomacy saved us for the time being.
+I told dad that what we wanted to do was to tell the Turks that dad
+represented the American people, and had a communication to make to the
+sultan personally, which would make him rich and happy.
+
+Well, say, they bit like a bass, and the next day they took us before
+the sultan at the palace. Dad dug up a package of blank gold mining
+stock in a mine that he was going to promote, though the mine was only a
+small hole in the ground, and the stock had been offered for one cent a
+share, the par value being a hundred dollars, so a man who got a share
+for a cent would, when the mine got to paying, get a hundred dollars for
+every cent he invested.
+
+Dad filled out one of the stock certificates for 1,000,000 shares, which
+would represent a capital equal to all the debts of Turkey, and we went
+before the sultan, and we couldn't have been treated better if we
+had owned a brewery. Dad told his story to the sultan through an
+interpreter, while I looked around at the gorgeous surroundings and
+tried to think of something to do to wake them up.
+
+Dad said he came right fresh from the American people, and was
+authorized by his mining company to present the sultan with untold
+millions, for pure love of the Turkish people, whom they had seen riding
+and leading camels at the Chicago world's fair, and dad produced the
+stock certificate for 1,000,000 shares of stock in the Golden Horn Gold
+Mining and Smelting company, and took out a handful of $20 gold pieces
+and showed them to the crowd as specimens of gold that came from our
+mine.
+
+He said our people did not expect anything in return, but just desired
+the good will of the Turkish empire. He said that President Roosevelt
+desired him to present his warmest regards to the sultan, and to invite
+him to visit America, and if he would consent to do so, an American war
+vessel would be furnished for him and the white house would be turned
+over to him for his harem, and dad said the president wanted him
+particularly to impress upon the sultan that if he came he must bring
+his folks, all his wives that would be apt to size up for beauty with
+our American women.
+
+[Illustration: He must bring his folks, and all his wives 289]
+
+Well, you ought to have seen that sickly looking sultan brace up when
+dad handed him the millions of mining stock, and he grabbed the paper
+like an old clothes buyer would grab a dress suit that a wife had sold
+for 60 cents, belonging to her husband. He also wanted to see the gold
+that dad had shown as coming from the mine, and when dad showed him the
+yellow boys he took them as souvenirs and put them in his girdle, and
+then I thought dad would faint, but he kept his nerve like a poker
+player betting on a bobtail flush.
+
+The sultan asked so many questions about America that I was afraid dad
+would get all balled up, but he kept his nerve, and lied as though he
+was on the witness stand trying to save his life. Dad told the sultan he
+was authorized by the American people to inquire into the industries of
+Turkey, and what he particularly desired was an insight into the harems,
+as a national institution, because many American people were gradually
+adopting the customs of the orient, and he desired to report to congress
+as to whether we should adopt the customs of Turkey with her dried
+prunes and dates with worms in, and her attar of roses made of pig's
+lard; her fez, to cure baldness, and her outlandish pants and peaked red
+Morocco shoes, and her harems.
+
+The sultan said he would like to show us a little bunch of the cream of
+the harem, who would do a stunt in the way of dancing, to celebrate the
+good feeling of the American people, and the visit of the distinguished
+statesman and gold miner to his realm, and dad said the sultan couldn't
+turn his stomach with no cream of the harem, only they must keep
+their hands off him, and the sultan promised he should be as safe as a
+“unique,” whatever that is.
+
+Dad and I had hired knee breeches and things of a masquerade ball store,
+and we didn't look half bad when the crowd of shieks and things formed a
+crescent around the sultan, who sat in a sort of barber's chair with
+an awning over it, and they sounded a hewgag or something, and about
+a dozen pretty fine looking females, dressed like the ballet in a
+vaudeville show, came in and began to dance before the sultan.
+
+Dad stood it first rate until a girl got on the carpet barefooted and
+began one of those willowy sort of dances that nearly broke up the
+Chicago fair, when people left the buildings filled with the work of the
+world's artists, in all lines of progress, and went to the Midway in a
+body to see “Little Egypt,” but when this dancer waltzed up to dad and
+wiggled in a foreign language, dad sashayed up to her and I couldn't
+hold him back.
+
+[Illustration: He was just getting warmed up 293]
+
+He was just getting warmed up to “balance to partners,” when a frown
+came over the sultan's face and he looked cross at dad, and then the
+hewgag sounded, and the girls scattered out of a side door and dad
+wanted to follow, but I held him by the coat, and it was over. I
+think those girls were the only ones in the whole harem that were good
+looking.
+
+Dad breathed hard a little from his exercise, and said he was ready to
+inspect the stock, and the sultan detailed a tall negro, with a face
+dried up like a mummy, and we started out through the harem, dad pulling
+the long hair on the side of his head over his bald spot, and throwing
+his shoulders back and drawing in his stomach to make him look young.
+
+Well, say, there is nothing about a harem, much different from keeping
+house at home, except that there is more of it. The idea people get of
+harems is that the women are all young and beautiful, and that they sit
+around a swimming tank and play guitars and keep the flies off the man
+who owns the place, while he smokes the vile Turkish tobacco burning in
+a jardiniere, through a section of rubber hose, and goes to sleep like
+a Chinaman smoking opium, and that they drink rare wines and dance with
+bangles on their legs and ropes of pearls on their necks and arms.
+
+I have seen alleged imitations of a Turkish harem on the stage, with
+American girls doing the acting, and it would make you feel as though
+you would invest in a harem when you got old enough, but, gee, when you
+see a regular harem, run by an up-to-date Turk, you think of the Mormon
+apostle who has 40 wives of all ages, from 70 down to a 16-year-old
+hired girl, with a hair-lip and warts on her thumbs. This harem was like
+a big stock barn in the states, with a big room to exercise the colts,
+and box stalls for the different wives and their families to live in and
+do their own cooking and washing.
+
+Instead of sitting by a bath playing a harp, the poor old wives stand by
+a washtub and play tunes on the washboard, and scrub, and take care
+of children. I thought the custom of spanking children was an American
+institution, but it is as old as the ages, for I saw a Turkish mother
+grab up a child that had lifted a kitten by the tail, and take it across
+her knee and give it a few with a red hand covered with soapsuds, and
+the young Turk yelled bloody murder, just like an American kid, and then
+sat down on its knees, so the spanking wouldn't hurt, and called its
+mother names in a language I couldn't understand, but I knew what the
+child said, by instinct. Dad started to interfere, because he is a
+member of the humane society, but the unique that was showing us around
+saved dad's life by pushing him along, before the woman got a chance to
+brain him with the washboard.
+
+The women mostly had on these baggy Turkish trousers, like the Zouaves
+wear, and a jacket, and a cloth around their heads, and they acted as
+though if the next meal came along all right they would be in luck. We
+saw a few women pretty white, and they were Circassian slaves, with big
+eyes and hoops in their ears, and a little different clothes on, but
+there were none that dad would buy at an auction, or at a bargain sale,
+if they were marked down to 99 cents.
+
+We passed one woman running an American sewing machine, and dad said
+he'd bet she was an American, and he went up to her and said: “Hello,
+sis!” She stopped the machine, looked up at dad with a sort of Bowery
+expression, and said: “Gwan, Chauncey Depew, you old peach, or I'll have
+you pinched,” and the unique took dad by the arm and pulled him along
+real spry, but he hung back and looked over his shoulder at the woman,
+but she went on sewing, and dad said to me: “Well, wouldn't that frost
+you?” And we went on making the inspection.
+
+I don't think I ever saw so many children, outside of an orphan asylum,
+all about the same size and all looking exactly alike. They all had the
+same beady black eyes that look as though they were afraid of getting
+caught in a trap, like muskrats, and their noses had the same inquiring
+appearance, as though the owner was speculating as to how much money
+the visitors had in their pockets, and whether it was fastened in. Race
+suicide is impossible in Turkey, but a race of bandits is growing up
+that will let no foreigners with a pocketbook escape.
+
+It took us an hour to go through the harem, and it was more like going
+through the quarters of the working women of a home laundry in the
+tenement district of a large city, than a comic opera, as we had been
+led to expect by what we had read of harems. When we went into the harem
+I think dad was going to insist on having the women dance for him, while
+he sat on a throne and threw kisses at the most beautiful women in all
+the world, but before we had got around all the box stalls I think if
+any of them had started to dance dad would have stampeded in a body.
+
+We finally got back to the great marble room, where the sultan was
+sleeping in a stuffed chair, surrounded by his staff, and one of them
+woke him up, and he asked dad what he thought of the home life of a
+crowned head, and dad said it beat anything he had ever seen, and he
+should recommend to his government that the harem system be adopted in
+America, and actually the sultan seemed pleased. He said as an evidence
+of his love for America he wanted to present to the president, through
+dad, 50 of his wives, and if dad would indicate where he wanted them
+delivered, they would be there, Johnny on the spot, or words to that
+effect.
+
+At first I thought dad would faint away, but I whispered to him that it
+would be discourteous to decline a present, after giving the sultan a
+gold mine, and that may be the old man would be so mad, if he declined
+the wives, that he would tie stones to our legs and sink us in the
+Bosphor-ous, so dad rallied and said, on behalf of his government, he
+would accept the kindly and thoughtful gift of his highness, and that he
+would cable for a war vessel to take the wives to his own America, and
+he would notify the sultan when to round them up and load them on the
+vessel.
+
+Well, sir, I do not know what possessed me to make a scene, before we
+got out of the presence of the sultan, but it all came to me sudden,
+like an inspiration comes to a poet. I had been eating some fruit that
+I bought in a paper bag, and when I had eaten the last of it, I wondered
+what I would do with the bag, and then I thought what fun it would be to
+blow the bag up, and suddenly burst it, when all was still. So I blowed
+up the bag, so it was as hard as a bladder, and tied a string around
+the neck, and waited. I did not think how afraid everybody in these old
+countries is of bombs, or I never would have done it, honestly.
+
+The sultan was signing some papers, and looking out of the corners of
+his eyes to see if anybody was present who was suspicious, and dad was
+getting ready to make a salam, and back out of the presence of the ruler
+of Turkey, when I got behind some of the officials who were watching the
+sultan, and I laid my paper bag on the marble floor, and it was as still
+as death, and all you could hear was the scratching of the pen, when I
+jumped up in the air as though I had a fit, and yelled “Allah,” and came
+down with my whole weight on the paper bag, and of all the stampedes you
+ever saw, that was the worst.
+
+[Illustration: Stampede 299]
+
+You know what a noise it makes to bust a paper bag. Well, this was the
+toughest old bag I ever busted, and it sounded like a cannon fired down
+cellar somewhere, and the air was full of dust, and before I could get
+up the sultan had tipped over the table and run yelling into another
+room, praying to “Allah,” and all the staff had lit out for tall timber,
+and there was nobody left but dad and the unique and myself, and the
+unique took dad by the arm and started for the door, and we were fired
+out.
+
+As I went out of the room I looked around, and there was a Turk's head
+sticking out of every door to see how many had been killed by the bomb,
+and as we got out doors, dad said “Now we have to get out of Turkey
+before night, or we die. Me for Egypt, boy, if we can catch a boat
+before we are drawn and quartered.” So here goes for Cairo, Egypt.
+
+Yours only,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo--At the Hotel They
+     Meet Some Egyptian Princesses--Dan Rides a Camel to the
+     Pyramids and Meets with Difficulties.
+
+Cairo, Egypt.--My Dear Old Irish Vegetable: Gee, but you ought to see
+dad and I right now at a hotel, waiting for a chance at a room, when
+a bride and groom get ready to vacate it, and go somewhere else. This
+hotel is full of married people who look scared whenever there is a
+new arrival, and I came pretty near creating a panic by going into the
+parlor of the hotel, where a dozen couples were sitting around making
+goo-goo eyes at each other, and getting behind a screen and, in a
+disguised voice, shouting, “I know all! Prepare to defend yourself!”
+
+The women turned pale and some said, “At last! At last!” while others
+got faint in the head, and some fell on the bosoms of their husbands and
+said: “Don't shoot!” You see, most of these wives had husbands somewhere
+else that might be looking for them. I have warned dad not to be seen
+conversing with a woman, or he may be shot by a husband who is on her
+trail, or by the husband she has with her.
+
+Well, sir, of all the trips we have had anywhere, the trip from
+Constantinople here was the limit. For two or three days we were on
+dinky steamboats with Arabs, Turks, negroes and all nationalities
+camping on deck, full of fleas, and with cholera germs on them big
+enough to pick like blueberries, and all of the passengers were dirty
+and eat things that would make a dog in America go mad. The dog biscuit
+that are fed to American dogs would pass as a delicate confection on
+the menu of any steamboat we struck, and I had rather lie down in a barn
+yard with a wet dog for a pillow and a cast-off blanket from a smallpox
+hospital for a bed, than to occupy the bridal chamber of any steamboat
+we struck.
+
+And then the ride across the desert by rail to reach Cairo was the worst
+in the world. Passengers in rags, going to Mecca, or some other place of
+worship, eating cheese a thousand years old made from old goat's milk,
+and dug from the Pyramids too late to save it, was what surrounded us,
+and the sand storm blew through the cars laden with germs of the plague,
+and stuck to us so tight you couldn't get it off with sandpaper, and
+when we got here all we have had to do is to bathe the dirt off in
+layers.
+
+[Illustration: It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis
+304]
+
+It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis, and the last bath
+has a jackplane to go with it, and a thing they scale fish with. But we
+are all right now, with rooms in the hotel, and rested, and when we go
+home we are going to be salted down and given chloroform and shipped
+as mummies. Dad insists that he will never cross a desert or an ocean
+again, and I don't know what is to become of us. Anyway, we are going to
+enjoy ourselves until we are killed off.
+
+The first two days we just looked about Cairo, and saw the congress of
+nations, for there is nothing just like this town anywhere. There are
+people from all quarters of the globe, the most outlandish and the most
+up-to-date. This place is an asylum for fakirs and robbers, a place
+where defaulters, bribers, murderers, swindlers and elopers are safe,
+as there seems to be no extradition treaty that cannot be overcome by
+paying money to the officials. I found that out the first day, and told
+dad we should have no standing in the society of Egypt unless the people
+thought he had committed some gigantic crime and fled his country.
+
+Dad wanted to know how it would strike me if it was noised about the
+hotel that he had robbed a national bank, but I, told him there would
+be nothing uncommon or noticeable about robbing a bank, as half the
+tourists were bank defaulters, so he would have to be accused of
+something startling, so we decided that dad should be charged with
+being the principal thing in the Standard Oil Company, and that he had
+underground pipe lines running under several states, gathering oil away
+from the people who owned it, and that at the present time he was worth
+a billion dollars, and his income was $9,000,000 every little while,
+and, by ginger, you ought to see the people bow down to him. Say, common
+bank robbers and defaulters just fell over themselves to get acquainted
+with dad, and to carry out the joke, I put some kerosene oil on dad's
+handkerchief, and that clinched it, for everybody loves the smell of a
+perfume that represents a billion dollars.
+
+All the women wanted to dance with dad in the hotel dance, and because
+they thought I must be heir to all the oil billions, they wanted to hold
+me on their laps, and stroke my hair, as though I was it. I guess we
+are going to have everything our own way here, and if dad does not
+get eloped with by some Egyptian princess, I shall be mistaken. The
+Egyptians are pretty near being negroes, and wear bangles in their ears,
+and earrings on their arms. You take it in the dark, and let a princess
+put her arms around you, and sort of squeeze you, and you can't tell
+but what she is white, only there is an odor about them like “Araby the
+blessed,” but in the light they are only negroes, a little bleached,
+with red paint on their cheeks. If I was going to marry an Egyptian
+woman, I would take her to Norway, or up towards the north pole, where
+it is night all day, and you wouldn't realize that you were married to
+a colored woman. To be around among these Egyptians is a good deal like
+having a pass behind the scenes at the play of Ben Hur in New York, only
+here the dark and dangerous women are the real thing, instead of being
+white girls with black paint on.
+
+We have just got back from the pyramids, and dad is being treated for
+spinal meningitis, on account of riding a camel. I never tried harder
+to get dad to go anywhere on the cars than I did to get him to go to the
+pyramids by rail, as a millionaire should, but he said he was going to
+break a camel to the saddle, and then buy him and take him home for a
+side show. So we went down to the camel garage and hired a camel for
+dad, and four camels for the arabs and things he wanted for an escort,
+and a jackass for me. There were automobiles and carriages, and
+trolleys, and everything that we could have hired, and been comfortable
+for the ten-mile ride, but dad was mashed on the camel, and he got it.
+
+Well, sir, it was not one of these world's fair camels that lay down for
+you to get on, and then got up on the installment plan, and chuck you
+forward and aft, but a proud Egyptian camel that stands up straight and
+makes you climb up on a stepladder.
+
+Dad got along up the camel's ribs, when the-stepladder fell, and he
+grabbed hold of the hair on the two humps, and the humps were loose and
+they lopped over on the side, and it must have hurt the camel's feelings
+to have his humps pulled down, so he reached around his head and took a
+mouthful out of the seat of dad's pants, and dad yelled to the camel
+to let go, and the Arabs amputated the camel from dad's trousers, and
+pushed dad up on top with a bamboo pole with a crotch in it, and when
+dad got settled between the humps he said, “Let 'er go,” and we started.
+
+Dad could have had a camel with a platform on top, and an awning, but he
+insisted on taking his camel raw, and he sat there between those humps,
+his trousers worked up towards his knees, showing his red socks and blue
+drawers, and his face got pale from sea sickness, and the red, white and
+blue colors made me think of a fourth of July at home. We went out of
+town like a wild west show, and dad seemed happy, except that every time
+an automobile went whizzing along, dad's camel got the jumps and waltzed
+sideways out into the sandy desert, and chewed at dad's socks, so part
+of the time dad had to draw up his legs and sit on one hump and put his
+shoes on the other hump. The Arabs on the other camels would ride up
+alongside and steer dad's camel back into the road, by sticking sharp
+sticks into the camel, and the animal would yawn and groan and make up
+faces at me on my jackass, and finally dad wanted to change works with
+me and ride my jackass, but I told him we had left the stepladder back
+at Cairo, so dad hung to his mountainous steed, but the dust blew so
+you couldn't see, and it was getting monotonous when the queerest thing
+happened.
+
+You have heard that camels can fill up with water and go for a week
+without asking for any more. Well, I guess the week was up, and it was
+time to load the camels with water, for as we came to the Nile every
+last camel made a rush for the river, and they went in like a yoke of
+oxen on a stampede, and waded in clear up to the humps, and began to
+drink, and dad yelled for a life preserver and pulled his feet up on top
+and sat there like a frog on a pond lily leaf.
+
+[Illustration: Sat there like a frog on a pond lily leaf 308]
+
+My jackass only stepped his feet in the edge, and dad wanted me to swim
+my jackass out to the camel and let him fall off onto the jack, but I
+knew dad would sink my jack in a minute, and I wouldn't go in the river.
+Well, the camels drank about an hour, with dad sitting there meditating,
+and then the dragomen got them out, and we started off for the pyramids,
+which were in plain sight like the pictures you have seen, with palm
+trees along the Nile, and Arabs camping on the bank, and it looked as
+though everything was going to be all right, when suddenly dad's camel
+stopped dead still and wouldn't move a foot, and all the rest of the
+camels stopped, closed their eyes and went to sleep, and the Arabs went
+to sleep, and dad and the jackass and I were apparently the only animals
+in Egypt that were awake.
+
+Dad kicked his camel in the ribs, but it wouldn't budge. He asked me if
+I could't think up some way to start the procession, and I stopped my
+jackass and thought a minute, and told dad I had it. I had bought some
+giant fire crackers and roman candles at Cairo, with which I was going
+to fire a salute on top of the biggest pyramid, to celebrate for old
+America, and I told dad what I had got, and I thought if I got off my
+jackass and fired a salute there in the desert it would wake them up.
+
+Dad said, “all right, let 'er go, but do it sort of easy, at first, so
+not to overdo it,” and I got my artillery ready. Say, you can't fire off
+fireworks easy, you got to touch a match to 'em and dodge and take your
+chances. Well, I scratched a match and lit the giant fire cracker, and
+put it under the hind legs of dad's camel, and when it got to fizzing
+I lit my roman candle, and as the fire cracker exploded like a 16-inch
+gun, my roman candle began to spout balls of fire, and I aimed one at
+each camel, and the whole push started on a stampede for the pyramids,
+the camels groaning, the Arabs praying to Allah, dad yelling to stop
+'er, and my jackass led the bunch, and I was left in the desert to pick
+up the hats.
+
+[Illustration: Started on a stampede for the pyramids 311]
+
+I guess I will have to tell you' the rest of the tragedy in my next
+letter.
+
+Yours with plenty of sand,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids--The Bad Boy
+     Lights a Cannon Cracker in Rameses' Tomb--They Flee from
+     Egypt in Disguise.
+
+Cairo, Egypt.--My Dear Old Geezer: I broke off my last letter in sight
+of the pyramids, when I was left alone on the desert, my jackass having
+stampeded with the camels, on account of my fireworks, and I presume
+you think I was all in, but I got to the pyramids before the stampeded
+caravan did. I saw a car coming along, and I just got aboard and in ten
+minutes I was at the base of the big pyramid, and the camel with dad on
+between the humps, was humping himself half a mile away, trying to get
+there, and the other camels, with the Arabs, were stretched out like
+horses in a race, behind, and my jackass was right next to dad's camel,
+braying and occasionally kicking dad's camel in the slats.
+
+There were about a hundred tourists around the stampede of the camels,
+and I told them my the base of the big pyramid, all looking towards dad,
+the great American millionaire, was on the runaway camel in advance, and
+asked them to form a line across the trail and save dad, but when the
+camel came nearer I was ashamed of dad. He had his arms around the front
+hump of the camel, and he was yelling for help to stop his menagerie,
+and his legs were flying in the air, and every time they came down they
+kicked a hole in the side of the camel.
+
+[Illustration: I was ashamed of dad 319]
+
+Well, sir, I thought dad was a brave man, but he blatted like a calf,
+and when the camel stopped and went to eating a clump of grass dad
+opened his eyes, and when he saw that the procession had stopped he
+rolled off his camel like a bag of wheat, and stuck in the sand and
+began to say a prayer, but when he saw me standing there, laughing, he
+stopped praying, and said to me: “I thought you were blown up when that
+jackass kicked the can of dynamite. You have more lives than a cat. Now,
+get a hustle on you and we will climb that pyramid, and then quit
+this blasted country,” and dad sat down on a hummock and began to pull
+himself together, after the most fearful ride he ever had. He said the
+camel loped, trotted, galloped, single-footed and shied all at the same
+time, and when one hump was not jamming him in the back the other hump
+was kicking him in the stomach, and if he had a gun he would shoot the
+camel, and the Arabs, and bust up the show.
+
+By the time dad got so he could stand up without leaning against a
+pyramid the Arabs came up and they all talked at once, and drew knives,
+and it seemed as though they were blaming dad for something. We found
+an interpreter among the tourists, and he talked with the Arabs, and
+pointing to the camel dad had ridden, which was stretched out on the
+sand like he was dead, he told dad the Arabs wanted him to pay for the
+camel he had ridden to death, and foundered by letting it drink a wagon
+load of water, and then entered in a race across the desert, and the
+interpreter said dad better pay, or they would kill him.
+
+[Illustration: Pay, or they would kill him 316]
+
+Dad settled for the camel for a hundred dollars, and a promise of the
+skin of the camel, which he was going to take home and have stuffed.
+Then a man who pretended to be a justice of the peace had dad arrested
+for driving off of a walk, and he was fined $10 and costs for that, and
+then all the Arabs stuck him for money for one thing and another, and
+when he had settled all around and paid extra for not riding back to
+Cairo on the camel, we got ready to climb up the pyramid. Dad said he
+wouldn't ride that camel back to Cairo for a million dollars, for he was
+split up so his legs began where his arms left off, and he was lame from
+Genesis to Revelations.
+
+But I never saw such a lot of people to pray as these pirates are. Just
+before they rob a man they get down on their knees on a rug, and mumble
+something to some god, and after they have got you robbed good and
+plenty, they get down and pray while they are concealing the money they
+took from you. Gee, but when I get home I am going to steer the train
+robbers and burglars onto the idea of always being on praying grounds.
+
+Well, I told dad he hadn't better try to climb up the pyramid, that I
+would go up, 'cause I could climb like a goat, and when I got up to the
+top I would fire a salute, so everybody would know that a star spangled
+American was on deck, but dad said he would go up or quit the tourist
+business. He said he had come thousands of miles to climb the pyramids,
+and sit in the shadow of the spinks, and by ginger he was going to do
+it, and so we started.
+
+Well, say, each stone is about four feet high, and dad couldn't get up
+without help, so an Arab would go up a stone ahead, and take hold of
+dad's hands, and two more Arabs would get their shoulders under dad's
+pants, and shove, and he would get up gradually. We got about half way
+up when dad weakened, and said he didn't care so much about pyramids as
+he thought he did, and he was ready to quit, but the guide and some of
+the tourists said we were right near the entrance to the great tomb of
+the kings, and that we better go in and at least make a formal call on
+the crowned heads, and so we went in, through dark passages, with little
+candles that the guides carried, and up and down stairs, until finally
+we got into a big room that smelled like a morgue, with bats and evil
+looking things all around, and I felt creepy.
+
+The guides got down on their knees to pray, and I thought it was time to
+be robbed again. I do not know what made me think of making a sensation
+right there in the bowels of that pyramid, where there were corpses
+thousands of years old, of Egypt's rulers. I never felt that way at
+home, when I visited a cemetery, but I though I would shoot my last
+roman candle and fire my last giant firecracker right there in that
+moseleum, and take the chances that we would get out alive. So when the
+tourists were lined up beside a tomb of some Rameses or other, and the
+guides were praying for strength and endurance, probably, to get away
+with all the money we had, I picked out a place up toward the roof that
+seemed full of bats and birds of ill omen, and I sneaked my roman candle
+out from under my shirt, and touched the fuse to a candle on the turban
+of a guide who was on his knees, and just as the first fire ball was
+ready to come out I yelled “Whoop-la-much-a wano, epluribus un-um,” and
+the fire balls lighted up the gloom and knocked the bats gaily west.
+
+Holy jumping cats, but you ought to have seen the guides, yelling Allah!
+Allah! and groveling on the floor, and the bats were flying around in
+the faces of the tourists, and everybody was simply scared out of
+their boots. I thought I might as well wind the thing up glorious, so
+I touched the tail of my last giant firecracker to the sparks that were
+oozing out of my empty roman candle, and threw it into the middle of the
+great room, and when it went off you would think a cannon had exploded,
+and everybody rushed for the door, and we fell over each other getting
+out through the passage towards the door.
+
+I was the first to get out on to the side of the pyramid, and I watched
+for the crowd to come out. The tourists got out first, and then dad came
+out, puffing and wheezing, and the last to come out were the Arabs, and
+they came on their hands and knees, calling to Mr. Allah and every one
+of them actually pale, and I think they were conscience-stricken, for
+they began to give back the money they had robbed dad of, and an Arab
+must be pretty scared to give up any of his hard-earned robberies. I
+think dad was about the maddest man there was, until he got some of his
+money back, when he felt better, but he gave me a talking to that I will
+never forget.
+
+He said: “Don't you know better than to go around with explosives, like
+a train robber, and fire them off in a hole in the ground, where there
+is no ventilation, and make people's ears ring? Maybe you have woke
+up those kings and queens in there, and changed a dynasty, you little
+idiot.” The rest of the crowd wanted to throw me down the side of the
+pyramid, but I got away from them and went up on top of the pyramid and
+hoisted a small American flag, and left it floating there, and then came
+back to where the crowd was discussing the explosion in the tomb, and
+then we all went down the side of the pyramid.
+
+The guides got their nerve back after they got out in the air, because
+they wouldn't help dad down unless he paid them something every stone
+they helped him climb down, so when he got down he didn't have any
+money, and hardly any pants, because what pants the Arabs didn't tear
+were worn off on the stones, so when he showed up in front of the spinks
+he was a sight, and he bought a turban of a guide and unwound it and
+wound it around him in place of pants. I was ashamed of dad myself, and
+it is pretty hard to make me ashamed.
+
+We went back to Cairo on the cars, and what do you think, that dead
+camel that the Arabs made dad pay for was with the caravan going back
+to town, 'cause we saw him out of the car window with the hair wore off
+where dad kicked him in the side. The tourists say the Arabs have that
+camel trained to die every day when they get to the pyramids, and they
+make some tenderfoot pay for him at the end of each journey. Dad is
+going to try to get his money back from the Egyptian government, but I
+guess he will never realize on his claim.
+
+Well, sir, after dad had doctored all night to get the camel rheumatism
+and spinal meningitis out of his system, we took a trip by boat on the
+Nile, and saw the banks where the people grow crops by irrigation, and
+where an English syndicate has built a big dam, so the whole valley can
+be irrigated, and I tell you it will not be long before Egypt will raise
+everything used in the world on that desert, and every other country
+that raises food to sell will be busted up in business, but it is
+disgusting to take a trip on the Nile, 'cause all the natives are dirty
+and sick with contagious diseases, and they are lazy and crippled, and
+beg for a living, and if you don't give them something they steal all
+you got. You are in luck if you get away without having leprosy, or the
+plague, or cholera, or fleas.
+
+So we went back to Cairo, and there was the worst commotion you ever
+saw, about my fireworks in the tomb. The papers said that an American
+dynamiter had attempted to blow up the great pyramid, and take
+possession of the country and place it under the American flag, and that
+the conspirators were spotted and would be arrested and put in irons as
+soon as they got back from a trip on the Nile.
+
+Well, sir, dad found his career would close right here, and that he
+would probably spend the balance of his life in an Egyptian prison if
+wc didn't get out, so we made a sneak and got into our hotel, bought
+disguises and are going to get out of here tonight, and try to get to
+Gibraltar, or somewhere in sight of home. Dad is disguised as a shiek,
+with whiskers and a white robe, like a bath robe, and I am going to
+travel with him as an Egyptian girl till we get through the Suez canal.
+
+[Illustration: Dad is disguised as a shiek 323]
+
+Gee, but I wouldn't be a nigger girl only to save dad.
+
+Your innocent,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar--The Irish-English Army--
+     How He Would Take the Fortress--Dad Wants to Buy the “Rock.”
+
+Gibraltar, in Spain and England. My Dear Foster Uncle: It seems good
+to get somewhere that you can hear the English language spoken by the
+Irish, and the English soldiers are nearly all Irish. When you think of
+the way the British government treats the Irish, and then you look on
+while an orderly sergeant calls the roll of a company, and find that
+nine out of ten answer to Irish names, and only one out of ten has the
+cockney accent, you feel that the Irish ought to rule England, and an
+O'Rourke or a O'Shaunnessy should take the place of King Edward. It
+makes a boy who was brought up in an Irish ward in America feel like he
+was at home to mix with British soldiers who come from the old sod.
+Dad says that there is never an army anywhere in the world, except the
+armies of Russia and Japan, that the bravest men are not answering to
+Irish names, and always on the advance in a fight, or in the rear when
+there is a retreat. Dad says that in our own army, when the North and
+South were fighting, the Irish boys were the fellows who saved the
+day. They wanted to fight nights and Sundays, and never struck for an
+eight-hour day, or union wages. When the fighting was over, and soldiers
+were sick, or discouraged, and despondent, an Irish soldier would come
+along, maybe on crutches, or with a bullet in his inwards, and tell
+funny stories and make the discouraged fellows laugh in spite of
+themselves, and when another fight was on, you had to tie the wounded
+Irish soldiers to their cots in the hospital, or put them in jail to
+keep them from forgetting their wounds, and going to the front for one
+more fight. Dad says if there was an Irish nation with an army and navy,
+the whole world would have to combine to whip them, and yet the nation
+that has the control of the Irish people treats them worse than San
+Francisco treats Chinamen, makes them live on potatoes, and allows
+landlords to take away the potatoes if they are shy on the rent. Gosh,
+if I was an Irishman I would see the country that walked on my neck in
+hell before I would fight for it. (Gee, dad looked over my shoulder and
+saw what I had written, and he cuffed me on the side of the head, and
+said I was an incendiary and that I ought to have sense enough not to
+write treason while a guest on British soil.) Well, I don't care a
+darn. It makes me hot under the collar when I think of the brave Irish
+fellows, and I wonder why they don't come to America in a body and be
+aldermen and policemen. When I get home I am going to join the Fenians,
+and raise thunder, just as quick as I am old enough.
+
+[Illustration: Keep away from the banks for fear the banks will cave in
+329]
+
+Well, sir, we have been through the Suez canal, and for a great modern
+piece of engineering it doesn't size up with a sewer in Milwaukee, or
+a bayou in Louisiana. It is just digging a railroad cut through the
+desert, and letting in the water, and there you are. The only question
+in its construction was plenty of dredging machines, and a place to
+pile the dirt, and water that just came in of its own accord, and stays
+there, and smells like thunder, and you see the natives look at it, and
+keep away from the banks for fear the banks will cave in on them, and
+give them a bath before their year is up, cause they don't bathe but
+once a year, and when they skip a year nobody knows about it, except
+that they smell a year or so more frowsy, like butter that has been left
+out of the ice box. Our boat went right along, and got out of the canal,
+because it was a mail boat, but the most of the boats we saw were tied
+up to the bank, waiting for the millennium. We saw some Russian boats
+waiting for the war to blow over and as we passed them every Russian on
+board looked scared, as though we were Japs that were going to fire a
+torpedo under them, or throw a bomb on deck, and when our boat got by
+the Russian boat, the crew was called to prayers, to thank the Lord, or
+whoever it is that the Russians thank, because they had escaped a dire
+peril. I guess the Russians are all in, and that those who have not gone
+to the front are shaking hands with themselves, and waiting for the dove
+of peace to alight on their guns. The Suez canal probably pays, and no
+wonder, cause they charge what they please to boats that go through, and
+if they don't pay all they have to do is to stay out, and go around a
+few thousand miles. It is like a ferry across a little stream out west,
+where there is no other way to cross, except to wade or go around, and
+the old ferryman sizes up the wagon load that wants to cross, and takes
+all they have got loose, and then the travelers are ahead of the game,
+cause if they didn't cross the stream they would have to camp on the
+bank until the stream dried up. Some day an earthquake will split that
+desert wide open and the water in the Suez canal will soak into the
+sand and the steamboats will lay in the mud, and be covered with a sand
+storm, and future ages will be discovering full rigged ships down deep
+on the desert. Dad says we better sell our stock in the canal and buy
+air ship stock. And talk about business, there is more tonnage goes
+through the Soo canal, between Michigan and Canada than goes through the
+Suez and we don't howl about it very much.
+
+Well, sir, I have studied Gibraltar in my geography, and read about
+it in the papers, and seen its pictures in advertisements, but never
+realized what a big thing it was. Now, who ever thought of putting
+that enormous rock right there on that prairie, but God. I suppose the
+English, when they saw that rock, thought the good Lord had put it there
+for the English to drill holes in, for guns, and when the Lord was
+busy somewhere else, the English smoughed the rock away from Spain, by
+playing a game with loaded dice, and when England got it, that country
+decided to arm it like a train robber, and hold up the other nations of
+the earth. When a vessel passes that rock it has to hold up its hands
+and salute the British flag, or get a mess of hardware fired into its
+vital parts, but that is all it amounts to, cause it couldn't win any
+battle for England, and could only sink trading vessels. The walls of
+the rock are perforated from top to bottom, with holes big enough for
+guns to squirt smoke and shells, but if the enemy should stay away from
+right in front of the holes, they might shoot till doomsday and never
+hit anything but fishing smacks and peddlers of oranges. Gibraltar is
+like a white elephant in a zoological garden. It just eats and keeps off
+the flies with its short tail, and visitors feed it peanuts and wonder
+what it was made for, and how much hay it eats. Gibraltar is like a
+twenty-dollar gold piece that a man carries in his watch pocket for an
+emergency, which he never intends to spend until he gets in the tightest
+place of his life, and it wears out one pocket after another, and some
+day drops through on to the sidewalk, and a tramp finds it and goes on
+a bat and gets the worth of his money, and has a good time, if he saves
+enough to buy a bromo seltzer the next morning after. It is like the
+Russian war chest, that is never to be opened as long as they can borrow
+money. If Gibraltar could be put on castors, and rolled around from one
+country to another, England could whip all Europe and Asia. It would be
+a Tro Jane horse on a larger scale, and be a terror; but, say, if it got
+to America we wouldn't do a thing to it. We would run a standpipe up the
+side, and connect it with an oil pipe line, fill Gibraltar's tunnels and
+avenues, and magazines and barracks with crude oil, and touch a match to
+it, and not an Englishman would live to tell about it. Gee, but I would
+be sorry for the Irish soldiers, but I guess they wouldn't be there,
+cause they wouldn't fight America. Well, if England ever has a big war,
+and she gets chesty about Gibraltar, and says it is impregnable, and
+defies the world to take it, I bet you ten dollars it could be taken in
+twenty-four hours. If I was a general, or an admiral, I would have about
+forty tank steamers, loaded with kerosene, and have them land, innocent
+like, right up beside Gibraltar, ostensibly to sell oil for perfumery
+to the natives, who would all be improved by using kerosene on their
+persons. Then I would get on a barrel, on deck of my flag ship, and
+command the English general to surrender unconditionally, and if he
+refused I would set a slow match on every oil vessel, and have the crews
+get in skiffs and pull for the opposite shore, and when the oil got on
+fire, and rolled up all over Gibraltar, and burned every living thing, I
+would throw water from a fire department boat on the rock, and she would
+split open and roll all over-the prairie, and then I would bury the
+cremated dead out on the desert, and seek other worlds to conquer, like
+Alexander the Great. But don't be afraid. I won't do it unless they make
+me mad, but you watch my smoke if they pick on your little Hennery too
+much, when he grows up.
+
+But I haven't got any kick coming about Gibraltar, cause they treated
+dad and I all right, and the commander detailed an ensign to show us all
+through the fortress. Now don't get an ensign mixed up with a unique,
+such as showed us through the Turkish harem. An English ensign is just
+as different from a Turkish unique as you can imagine. Every man to his
+place. You couldn't teach a Turkish unique how to show visitors around
+an English fortress, and an English ensign in a Turkish harem would
+bring on a world's war, they are so different. Well, wc went through
+tunnels in the rock, and up and down elevators, and all was light as day
+from electric lights, and we saw ammunition enough to sink all the ships
+in the world, if it could be exploded in the right place, and they have
+provisions enough stored in the holes in the rock to keep an army for
+forty years if they didn't get ptomaine poisoned from eating canned
+stuff. It was all a revelation to dad, and when we got all through,
+and got out into the sunlight, we breathed free, and when clad got his
+second wind he broke up the English officers by taking out a pencil and
+piece of paper, and asked them what they would take for the rock and its
+contents, and move out, and let the American flag float over it. Well,
+say, they were hot, and they told dad to go plum to 'ell, but dad
+wouldn't do it. He said America didn't want the old stone quarry,
+anyway, and if it did it could come and take it. I guess they would have
+had dad arrested for treason, only when we got out into the town there
+was the whole British Atlantic squadron lined up, with the men up in the
+rigging like monkeys, and every vessel was firing a salute, as a yacht
+came steaming by. Dad thought war had surely broke out, or that some
+rich American owned the yacht, but it turned out to be Queen Alexandria
+and a party of tourists, and when the band played “God Save the Queen,”
+ dad got up on his hind legs and sang so loud you would think he would
+split hisself, and a fellow went up and threw his arms around dad, and
+began to weep, and the tears came in dad's eyes, and another fellow
+pinched dad's watch, and the celebration closed with everybody getting
+drunk, and the queen sailed away. Say, we are going to Spain, on the
+next boat, and you watch the papers. We will probably be hung for taking
+Cuba and the Phillipines.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+[Illustration: Sang so loud you would think he would split hisself 333]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes of Spain--They Call on the King And the
+     Bad Boy is at it Once More--They See a Bull Fight and Dad
+     Does a Turn.
+
+Madrid, Spain.--My Dear Uncle: You probably think we are taking our
+lives in our hands by coming to Spain, so soon after the Cuban war, in
+which President Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill, in the face of over
+thirty bloodthirsty Spaniards, and captured the blockhouse on the
+summit of the hill, which was about as big as a switchman's shanty, and
+wouldn't hold two platoons of infantry, of twelve men to the platoon,
+without crowding, and which closed the war, after the navy had
+everlastingly paralyzed the Spanish vessels, and sunk them in wet water,
+and picked up the crews and run them through clothes-wringers to dry
+them out; but we are as safe here as we would be on South Clark street,
+in Chicago. Do you know, when I read of that charge of our troops up San
+Juan hill, headed by our peerless bear-hunter, I thought it was like the
+battle of Gettysburg, where hundreds of thousands of men fought on each
+side, and I classed Roosevelt with Grant, Sheridan, Sherman, Meade and
+Thomas, and all that crowd, but one day I got talking with a veteran of
+the Spanish-American war, who promptly deserted after every pay day, and
+re-enlisted after he had spent his money, and he didn't do a thing to my
+ideas of the importance of that battle. He told me it was only a
+little skirmish, like driving in a picket post, and that there were not
+Spaniards enough there to have a roll call, not so many Spanish soldiers
+as there were American newspaper correspondents on our side, that only a
+few were killed and wounded, and that a dozen soldiers in an army wagon
+could have driven up San Juan hill with firecrackers and scared the
+Spaniards out of the country, and that a part of a negro regiment did
+pretty near all the shooting, while our officers did the yelling, and
+had their pictures taken, caught in the act. So I have quit talking of
+the heroism of our army in Cuba, because it makes everybody laugh and
+they speak of Shaffer and Roosevelt, and hunch up their shoulders, and
+say, “bah,” but when you talk about the navy, and Schley, and Sampson,
+and Clark, and Bob Evans, they take off their hats and their faces are
+full of admiration, and they say, “magnificent,” and ask you to take a
+drink. Gee, but dad got his foot in it by talking about the blowing up
+of the Maine, and looking saucy, as though he was going to get even with
+the Spaniards, but he found that every Spaniard was as sorry for that
+accident as we were, and they would take off their hats when the Maine
+was mentioned, and look pained and heart-sick. I tell you the Spaniards
+are about as good people as you will find anywhere, and dad has
+concluded to fall back on Christopher Columbus for a steady diet
+of talk, cause if it had not been for Chris we wouldn't have been
+discovered to this day, which might have been a darn good thing for us.
+But the people here do not recall the fact that there ever was a man
+named Christopher Columbus, and they don't know what he ever discovered,
+or where the country is that he sailed away to find, unless they are
+educated, and familiar with ancient history, and only once in a while
+will you find anybody that is educated. The children of America know
+more about the history of Spain than the Spanish children. This country
+reminds you of a play on the stage, the grandees in their picturesque
+costumes, though few in number, compared to the population, are the
+whole thing, and the people you see on the stage with the grandees, in
+peasant costume, peddling oranges and figs, you find here in the life
+of Spain, looking up to the grandees as though they were gods. Every
+peasant carries a knife in some place, concealed about him, and no two
+carry their toad stabbers in the same place. If you see a man reach his
+finger under his collar to scratch his neck, the chances are his fingers
+touch the handle of his dagger, and if he hitches up his pants, his
+dagger is there, and if he pulls up his trousers leg to scratch for a
+flea, you can bet your life his knife is right handy, and if you have
+any trouble you don't know where the knife is coming from, as you do
+about an American revolver, when one of our citizens reaches for his
+pistol pocket. Spaniards are nervous people, on the move all the time,
+and it is on account of fleas. Every man, woman and child contains more
+than a million fleas, and as they can't scratch all the time, they keep
+on the move, hoping the fleas will jump off on somebody else. When we
+came here we were flealess, but every person we have come near to seems
+to have contributed some fleas to us, until now we are loaded down
+with them, and we find in our room at the hotel a box of insect powder,
+which, is charged in with the candles. The king, who is a boy about
+three years older than I am, is full of fleas, too, and he jumps around
+from one place to another, like he was shaking himself to get rid of
+them. He gets up in the morning and goes out horseback riding, and jumps
+fences and rides tip and down the marble steps of the public buildings,
+as though he wanted to make the fleas feel in danger, so they will
+leave him. Seems to me if every man kept as many dogs as they do in
+Constantinople, the fleas would take to the dogs, but they say here that
+fleas will leave a dog to get on a human being, because they like the
+smell of garlic, as every Spaniard eats garlic a dozen times a day. They
+are trying to teach dogs to eat garlic, but no self-respecting dog will
+touch it. We have had to fill up on garlic in order to be able to talk
+with the people, cause dad got sea sick the first day here, everybody
+smelled so oniony. Dad wanted a druggist to put up onions in capsules,
+like they do quinine, so he could take onions and not taste them, but
+he couldn't make the man understand. There ought to be a law against any
+person eating onions, unless he is under a death sentence. But you can
+stand a man with the onion habit, after you get used to it. It is a
+woman, a beautiful woman, one you would like to have take you on your
+lap and pet you, that ought to know better than to eat onions. Gee, but
+when you see a woman that is so beautiful it makes her ache to carry her
+beauty around, and you get near to her and expect to breathe the odor of
+roses and violets, that makes you tired when she opens her mouth to say
+soft words of love, and there comes to your nostrils the odor of onions.
+Do you know, nothing would make me commit suicide so quick as to have
+a wife who habitually loaded herself with onions. Dad was buying some
+candy for me at a confectioner shop, of a beautiful Spanish woman, and
+when he asked how much it was, she bent over towards him in the most
+bewitching manner and breathed in his face and said, “Quatro-realis,
+seignor,” which meant “four bits, mister,” and he handed her a
+five-dollar gold piece, and went outdoors for a breath of fresh air, and
+let her keep the change. He said she was welcome to the four dollars and
+fifty cents if she would not breathe towards him again.
+
+[Illustration: Breathed in his face 339]
+
+Well, we have taken in the town, looked at the cathedrals, attended the
+sessions of the cortez, and thew gambling houses, saw the people sell
+the staple products of the country, which are prunes, tomatoes and wine.
+The people do not care what happens as long as they have a quart of
+wine. In some countries the question of existence is bread, but in Spain
+it is wine. No one is so poor they cannot have poor wine, and with wine
+nothing else is necessary, but a piece of cheese and bread helps the
+wine some, though either could be dispensed with. In some countries
+“wine, women and song” are all that is necessary to live. Here it is
+wine, cheese and an onion. We went to see the king, because he is such
+a young boy, and dad thought it would encourage the ruler to see an
+American statesman, and to mingle with an American boy who could give
+him cards and spades, and little casino, and beat him at any game. I
+made dad put on a lot of badges we had collected in our town when there
+were conventions held there, and when they were all pinned on dad's
+breast he looked like an admiral. There was a badge of Modern Woodmen,
+one of the Hardware Dealers' Association, one of the Wholesale
+Druggists, one of the Amalgamated Association of Railway Trainmen, one
+of the Farmers' Alliance, one of the Butter and Cheese-men's Convention,
+one of the State Undertakers' Guild, and half a dozen others in brass,
+bronze and tin, on various colored ribbons. Say, do you know, when they
+ushered us into the throne room at the palace, and the little king, who
+looked like a student in the high school, with dyspepsia from
+overstudy and cake between meals, saw dad, he thought he was the most
+distinguished American he had ever seen, and he invited dad up beside
+him on the throne, and dad sat in the chair that the queen will sit
+in when the boy king gets married, and I sat down on a front seat and
+watched dad. Dad had read in the papers that the boy king wanted to
+marry an American girl who was the possessor of a lot of money, so dad
+began to tell the king of girls in America that were more beautiful than
+any in the world, and had hundreds of millions of cold dollars, and an
+appetite for raw kings, and that he could arrange a match for the king
+that would make him richer than any king on any throne. The boy king was
+becoming interested, and I guess dad would have had him married off all
+right, if the king had not seen me take out a bag of candy and begin to
+eat, when he said to me, “Come up here, Bub, and give me some of that.”
+ Gosh, but I trembled like a leaf, but I went right up the steps of the
+throne and handed him the bag, and said, “Help yourself, Bub.” Well,
+sir, the queerest thing happened. I had bought two pieces of candy
+filled with cayenne pepper, for April fool, and the king handed the bag
+to the master of ceremonies, a big Spaniard all covered over with gold
+lace, and if you will believe me the king got one piece of the cayenne
+pepper candy, and that spangled prime minister got the other, and the
+king chewed his piece first, and he opened his mouth like a dog that has
+picked up a hot boiled egg and he blew out his breath to cool his tongue
+and said, “Whoosh,” and strangled, and sputtered, and then the prime
+minister he got his, and he yelled murder in Spanish, and the king
+called for water, and put his hands on his stomach and had a cramp, and
+the other man he tied himself up in a double bowknot, and called for
+a priest, and the king said he would have to go to the chapel, and the
+fellows who were guarding the king took him away, breathing hard, and
+red in the face, and dad said to me, “What the bloody hell you trying to
+do with the crowned heads? Cause you have poisoned the whole bunch, and
+we better get out.”
+
+[Illustration: The king got one piece of the cayenne pepper candy 347]
+
+So we went out of the palace while the king's retainers were filling him
+with ice water. Well, they got the cayenne pepper out of him, because we
+saw him at the bull fight in the afternoon, but for a while he had the
+hottest box there ever was outside of a freight train, and if he lives
+to be as old as Mr. Methuselah he will always remember his interview
+with little Hennery. The bull fights ain't much. Bulls come in the
+ring mad as wet hens, cause they stick daggers in them, and they bellow
+around, and the Spaniards dodge and shake red rags at them, and after a
+bull has ripped a mess of bowels out of a few horses, then a man with a
+saber stabs the bull between the shoulders, and he drops dead, and the
+crowd cheers the assassin of the bull, and they bring in another bull.
+Well, sir, dad came mighty near his finish at the bull fight. When the
+second bull came in, and ripped the stomach out of a blind horse, and
+the bull was just charging the man who was to stab it, dad couldn't
+stand it any longer and he climbed right over into the ring, and he
+said: “Look a here, you heathen; I protest, in the name of the American
+Humane Society, against this cruelty to animals, and unless this
+business stops right here I will have this place pulled, and------”
+
+[Illustration: Dad couldn't stand it any longer 343]
+
+Well, sir, you would of thought that bull would have had sense enough
+to see that dad was his friend, but he probably couldn't understand what
+dad was driving at, for he made a rush for dad, and dad started to run
+for the fence, and the bull caught dad just like dad was sitting in a
+rocking chair, and tossed him over the fence, and dad's pants stayed
+on the bull's horns, and dad landed in amongst a lot of male and female
+grandees and everybody yelled, “Bravo, Americano,” and the police
+wrapped a blanket around dad's legs and were going to take him to the
+emergency hospital, but I claimed dad, and took him to the hotel. Dad is
+ready to come home now. He says he is through.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+[Illustration: Dad's pants stayed on the bull's horns 349]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin--They Call on Emperor
+     William and his Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them
+     All.
+
+Berlin, Germany.--My Dear Old Pummer-nickel: Now we have got pretty near
+home, and you would enjoy it to be with us, because you couldn't tell
+the town from Milwaukee, except for the military precision with which
+everything is conducted, where you never take a glass of beer without
+cracking your heels together like a soldier, and giving a military
+salute to the bartender, who is the commander-in-chief of all who happen
+to patronize his bar. Everybody here acts like he was at a picnic in the
+woods, with a large barrel of beer, with perspiration oozing down the
+outside, and a spigot of the largest size, which fills a schooner at one
+turn of the wrist, and every man either smiles or laughs out loud, and
+you feel as though there was happiness everywhere, and that heaven was
+right here in this greatest German city.
+
+[Illustration: There is laughter everywhere 353]
+
+There is laughter everywhere, except when the Emperor drives by,
+escorted by his bodyguard, on the finest horses in the world; then
+every citizen on the street stops smiling and laughing; all stand
+at attention, and every face takes on a solemn, patriotic, almost a
+fighting look, as though each man would consider it his happiest duty
+and pleasure to walk right up to the mouth of cannon and die in his
+tracks for his pale-faced, haggard and loved Emperor. And the Emperor
+never smiles on his subjects as he passes, but looks into every eye on
+both sides of the beautiful street, with an expression of agony on his
+face, but a proud light in his eye, as though he would say, “Ach, Gott,
+but they are daisies, and they would fight for the Fatherland with the
+last breath in their bodies.”
+
+The pride of the people in that moustached young man, with the look of
+suffering, is only equalled by the pride of the Emperor in every German
+in Germany, or anywhere on the face of the globe. There is none of the
+“Hello, Bill!” such as we have in America, when the President drives
+through his people, many of whom yell, “Hello, Teddy!” while he shows
+his teeth, and laughs, and stands up in his carriage, and says, “Hello,
+Mike,” as he recognizes an acquaintance. But these same “Hello, Bill,”
+ Americans are probably just as loyal to their chief, whoever he may be,
+and would fight as hard as the loving Germans would for their hereditary
+Emperor.
+
+I suppose there is somebody working in Berlin, but it seems to us that
+the whole population, so far as can be seen, is bent on enjoying every
+minute, walking the streets, in good clothes, giving military salutes,
+and drinking beer between meals, and talking about what Germany would do
+to an enemy if the ever-present chip on the shoulder should be knocked
+off, even accidentally. But they all seem to love America, and when we
+registered at the hotel, from Milwaukee, Wis., U. S. A., citizens began
+to gather around us and ask about relatives at our home. They seem to
+think that every German who has settled in Milwaukee owns a brewery, and
+that all are rich, and that some day they will come back to Germany and
+spend the money, and fight for the Emperor.
+
+We did not have the heart to tell them that all the Germans in Milwaukee
+were going to stay there and spend their money, and while their hearts
+were still warm towards the Fatherland, they loved the Stars and
+Stripes, and would fight for the American flag, against the world, and
+that the younger Germans spoke the German language, if it all, with a
+Yankee accent. Gee, but wouldn't the people of Berlin be hot under the
+collar if they knew how many Germans in America were unfamiliar with the
+make-up of the German flag, and that they only see it occasionally when
+some celebration of German days takes place.
+
+Well, when dad saw the German Emperor drive down the great street, and
+got a look at his face, he said, “Hennery, I have got to see that
+young man and advise him to go and consult a doctor,” and so we made
+arrangements to go to the Palace and see the Emperor and his son, the
+Crown Prince, who will before long take the empire on his shoulders, if
+William is as sick as he looks. You don't have to hire any masquerade
+clothes to call on the Emperor of Germany, like you do when you visit
+royalty in Turkey and Egypt, for a good frock coat and a silk hat will
+take you anywhere in the day time, and a swallowtail is legal tender at
+night; so dad put on his frock coat and silk hat, just as he would to
+go and attend an afternoon wedding at home, and we were ushered in to a
+regular parlor, where the Emperor was having fun with his children, and
+the Empress was doing some needlework.
+
+Dad supposed we would have to talk to the Emperor and the Prince through
+an interpreter, and we stood there waiting for some one to break the
+ice, when some one told the Emperor that an American gentleman and his
+boy wanted to pay their respects, and the Emperor, who wore an ordinary
+dark suit, with no military frills, took one of the young Princes he had
+been playing with across his knee and gave him a couple of easy spanks,
+in fun, and the whole family was laughing, and the spanked boy “tackled”
+ the Emperor around the legs, below the knee, like a football player,
+and the other Princes pulled him off, and the Emperor came up to dad,
+smiling as though he was having the time of his life, and spoke to dad
+in the purest English, and said he was glad to see the “Bad Boy” man,
+because he had read all about the pranks of the Bad Boy, and bid dad
+welcome to Germany, and he didn't look sick at all.
+
+[Illustration: And so this is the champion little devil of America 357]
+
+Dad was taken all of a heap, and didn't know what to make of the German
+Emperor talking English, but when the ruler of Germany turned to me and
+said, “And so this is the champion little devil of America,” and patted
+me on the head, dad felt that he had struck a friend of the family,
+and he sat down with the Emperor and talked for half an hour, while the
+young Princes gathered around me, and we sat down on the floor and the
+boys got out their knives, and we played mumbletypeg on the carpet, just
+as though we were at home, and all the boys talked English, and we had
+a bully time. The princes had all read “Peck's Bad Boy” and I think the
+Emperor and Empress have encouraged them in their wickedness, for the
+boys told me of several tricks they had played on their father, the
+Emperor, which they had copied from the Bad Boy, and it made me blush
+when they told of initiating their father into the Masons, the way my
+chum and I initiated dad into the Masons with the aid of a goat.
+
+I asked the boys how their dad took it, and told them from what we in
+America heard about the Emperor of Germany, we would think he would
+kill anybody that played a trick on him; but they said he would stand
+anything from the children, and enjoy it; but if grown men attempted
+to monkey with him, the fur would fly. The Crown Prince came in and was
+introduced to me, and he seemed proud to see me, cause his uncle, Prince
+Henry, had told him about being in Milwaukee, and how all the women in
+that town were the handsomest he had ever seen in his trip around the
+world, and he asked me if it was so. I referred him to dad, and dad
+told him the women were the greatest in the world, and then dad made
+his usual break. He said: “Look ahere, Mister Prince, you have got to be
+married some day, and raise a family to hand the German empire down to,
+and my advice to you is not to let them saw off on to you no duchess or
+princess as homely as a hedge fence, with no ginger in her blood, but
+you skip out to America, and come to Milwaukee, and I will introduce you
+to girls that are so handsome they will make you toe the mark, and if
+you marry one of them she will raise a family of healthy young royalty
+with no humor in the blood, and you won't have to go off and be gay away
+from home, cause an American wife will take you by the ear if you
+show any signs of wandering from your own fireside, like lots of your
+relatives have done.”
+
+Gee, but that made the Emperor hot, and he said dad needn't instill any
+of his American ideas into the German nobility, as he could run
+things all right without any help, and dad got ready to go, cause the
+atmosphere was getting sort of chilly, but the Emperor soon got over
+his huff, and told dad not to hurry, and then he turned to me and said,
+“Now, little American Bad Boy, what kind of a trick are you going to
+play on me, 'cause from what I have read of you I know you will never
+go out of this house without giving me a benefit, and all my boys expect
+it, and will enjoy it, the same as I will; now, let 'er go.”
+
+I felt that it was up to me to do something to maintain the reputation
+I had made, so I said, “Your majesty, I will now proceed to make it
+interesting for you, if you and the boys will kindly be seated in a
+circle around me.” They got into a circle, all laughing, and I took out
+of my pistol pocket a half pint flask, of glass, covered with leather,
+and with a stopper that opened by touching a spring, and I walked around
+in front of each one of the Royal family, mumbling, “Ene-mene-mony-my,”
+ and opening the flask in front of each one, and pretty soon they all
+began to get nervous, and scratch themselves, and the Emperor slapped
+his leg, and pinched his arm, and put his fingers down his collar and
+scratched his neck, and the Crown Prince jumped up and kicked his leg,
+and scratched his back, and said, “Say, kid, you are not hypnotizing
+us, are you?” and I said, “Ene-meny-mony-my,” and kept on touching the
+stopper.
+
+By and by they all got to scratching, and the Emperor turned sort of
+pale, but he was going to see the show through to the end, as long as
+he had a ticket, and he said, “What is the joke, anyway?” and I kept on
+saying, “Ene-mene-mony-my,” and walking around in front of them, and dad
+began to dance around, too, and dig under his shirt bosom, and scratch
+his leg, and then they all scratched in unison, and laughed, and a
+little prince asked how long before they would know what it was all
+about, and I said my ene-mene, and looked solemn, and dad said, “What
+you giving us?” and I said, “Never you mind; this is my show, and I am
+the whole push,” and everybody had raised up out of his chair and each
+was scratching for all that was out, and finally the Emperor said, “I
+like a joke as well as anybody, but I can't laugh until I know what I am
+laughing about,” and he told dad to make me show what was in the bottle,
+and I showed the bottle and there was nothing in it, and there they
+stood scratching themselves, and I told dad we better excuse ourselves
+and go, and we were going all right enough when dad said, “What is it
+you are doing?” and as we got almost to the door I said, “Your majesty,
+I have distributed, impartially, I trust, in the Royal family of
+Germany, a half a pint of the hungriest fleas that Egypt can produce,
+for they have been in that flask three weeks, with nothing to eat except
+themselves, and I estimate that there were a million Cairo fleas in
+the flask, enough to set up housekeeping in your palace, with enough to
+stock the palace of your Crown Prince when he is married, and this is
+that you may remember the visit of Peck's Bad Boy and his Dad.”
+
+[Illustration: Dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back
+364]
+
+The Emperor was mad at first, but he laughed, and when we got out of the
+palace dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back, and said
+to me, “Hennery, you never ought to have did it,” and I said, “What
+could a poor boy do when called upon suddenly to do something to
+entertain royalty?”
+
+“Well,” says dad, “I don't care for myself, but this thing is apt to
+bring on international complications,” and I said, “Yes, it will bring
+Persia into it, cause they will have to use Persian insect powder to get
+rid of them,” and then we went to our hotel and fought fleas all night,
+and thought of the sleepless night the royal family were having.
+
+Well, so long, old Pummernickel.
+
+Your only,
+
+Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+     The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels--He and Dad see the Field
+     of Waterloo and call on King Leopold and Dad and the King go
+     in for a Swim--The Bad Boy, a Dog and some Goats do the
+     rest.
+
+Brussels, Belgium.--Dear Old Skate: “What is the matter with our going
+to Belgium?” said dad to me, as we were escaping from Germany. “Well,
+what in thunder do we want to go to Belgium for?” said I to dad. “I do
+not want to go to a country that has no visible means of support, except
+raising Belgian hares, to sell to cranks in America. I couldn't eat
+rabbits without thinking I was chewing a piece of house cat, and rabbits
+is the chief food of the people. I have eaten horse and mule in Paris,
+and wormy figs in Turkey, and embalmed beef fried in candle grease
+in Russia, and sausage in Germany, imported from the Leutgart sausage
+factory in Chicago, where the man run his wife through a sausage
+machine; and stuff in Egypt, with ground mummy for curry powder, but I
+draw the line on Belgian hares, and I strike right here, and shall have
+the International Union of Amalgamated Tourists declare a boycott on
+Belgium, by gosh,” said I, just like that, bristling up to dad real
+spunky.
+
+“You are going to Belgium all right,” said dad, as he took hold of my
+thumb in a Jiu Jitsu fashion, and twisted it backwards until I fairly
+penuked, and held it, while he said he should never dare go home without
+visiting King Leopold's kingdom, and had a talk with an eighty-year-old
+male flirt, who had a thousand chorus girls on his staff, and could give
+the Sultan of Turkey cards and spades and little casino in the harem
+game. “You will go along, won't you, bub?” and he gave my thumb another
+twist, and I said, “You bet your life, but I won't do a thing to you and
+Leopold before we get out of the Belgian hare belt,” and so here we are,
+looking for trouble.
+
+It is strange we never hear more about Belgium in America, but actually
+I never heard of a Belgian settling in the United States. There are
+Irish, and Germans, and Norwegians, and Italians, and men of all other
+countries, but I never saw a Belgian until to-day, and it does you good
+to see a people who don't do anything but work. There is not a loafer
+in Belgium, and every man has smut on his nose, and his hands are black
+with handling iron, or something. There is no law against people going
+away from Belgium, but they all like it here, and seem to think there is
+no other country, and they are happy, and work from choice.
+
+“Began to sell dad relics of the Battle of Waterloo.”
+
+I always knew the Belgian guns that sell in America for twelve
+shillings, and kill at both ends, but I never knew they made things here
+that were worth anything, but dad says they are better fixed here for
+making everything used by civilized people than any country on earth,
+and I am glad to be here, cause you get notice when you are going to be
+robbed. They ring a bell here every minute to give you notice that some
+one is after the coin, so when you hear a bell ring, if you hang onto
+your pocketbook, you don't lose.
+
+This is the place where “There was a sound of revelry at night, and
+Belgium's capitol had gathered there.” You remember, the night before
+the Battle of Waterloo, when Napoleon Bonaparte got his. You must
+remember about it, old man, just when they were right in the midst of
+the dance, and “soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again,” and
+they were taking a champagne bath, inside and out, when suddenly the
+opening guns of Waterloo, twelve miles away, began to boom, and the
+poet, who was present, said, “But hush, hark, a deep sound like a rising
+knell,” and everybody turned pale and began to stampede, when the floor
+manager said, “'Tis but the wind, or the car on the stony street, on
+with the dance, let joy be unconfined, no sleep till morn, when youth and
+pleasure meet, to chase the glowing hours with flying feet.”
+
+Well, sir, this is the place where that ball took place, which is
+described in the piece I used to speak in school, but I never thought
+I would be here, right where the dancers got it in the neck. When dad
+found that the battlefield of Waterloo was only a few miles away, he
+hired a wagon and we went out there. Well, sir, of all the frauds we
+have run across on this trip the battlefield of Waterloo is the
+worst. When the farmers who are raising barley and baled hay on the
+battlefield, saw us coming, they dropped their work and made a rush for
+us, and one fellow yelled something in the Belgian language that sounded
+like, “I saw them first,” and he got hold of dad and me, and the rest
+stood off like a lot of hack drivers that have seen a customer fall into
+the hands of another driver, and made up faces at us, and called the
+farmer who had caught us the vilest names. They said we would be skinned
+to a finish by the faker who got us, and they were right.
+
+[Illustration: 368 began to sell things to dad]
+
+He showed us from a high hill, where the different portions of the
+battle were fought, and where they caught Napoleon Bonaparte, and where
+Blucher came up and made things hum in the German language, and then
+he took us off to his farm where the most of the relics were found, and
+began to sell things to dad, until he had filled the hind end of the
+wagon with bullets and grape-shot, sabres and bayonets, old rusty
+rifles, and everything dad wanted, and we had enough to fill a museum,
+and when the farmer had got dad's money we went back to Brussels, and
+got our stuff unloaded at the hotel. Say, when we came to look it over
+we found two rusty Colt's revolvers, and guns of modern construction,
+which have been bought on battlefields in all countries, and properly
+rusted to sell to tourists. I showed dad that the revolver was unknown
+at the time of the battle of Waterloo, and that every article he had
+bought was a fraud, the sabers having been made in America, before the
+war of the rebellion, and dad was mad, and gave the stuff to the porter
+of the hotel, who charged dad seven dollars for taking it away.
+
+Dad kept one three-cornered hat that the farmer told him Bonaparte lost
+when his horse stampeded with him, and it drifted under a barbed
+wire fence, where it had lain until the day before we visited the
+battlefield. Say, that hat is as good as new, and dad says it is worth
+all the stuff cost, but I would not be found dead wearing it, cause it
+is all out of style.
+
+We have seen the King of Belgium, and actually got the worth of our
+money. He is an old dandy, and looks like a Philadelphia Quaker, only
+he is not as pious as a Quaker. Dad wrote to the King and said he was
+a distinguished American, traveling for his health, and had a niece who
+had frequently visited Belgium with an opera company, and she had
+spoken of the King, and dad wanted to talk over matters that might be of
+interest both to Belgium and to America. Well, the messenger came back
+and said dad couldn't get to the palace a minute too quick, and so we
+went over, and as we were going through the park we saw an old man, in
+citizen's clothes, sitting on a bench, patting the head of a boar hound,
+and when he saw us he said, “Come here, Uncle Sam, and let my dog chew
+your pants.” Dad thought it must be some lunatic, and was going to make
+a sneak, and get out, when the man rose up and we saw it was the King,
+and we went up to him and sat down on the bench, and he asked dad if he
+had come as the relative of the opera singer, to commence suit against
+the King for breach of promise, or to settle for a money consideration,
+remarking that he had always rather pay cash than to have any fuss made
+about these little matters. Dad told him he had no claim against him for
+alienating anybody's affections, or for breach of promise, and that all
+he wanted was to have a little talk with the King, and find out how a
+King lived, and how he had any fun in running the king business, at his
+age, and they sat down and began to talk as friendly as two old chums,
+while the dog played tag with me. We found that the King was a regular
+boy, and that instead of his mind being occupied by affairs of state,
+or his African concessions in the Congo country, where he owns a few
+million slaves who steal ivory for him, and murder other tribes, he was
+enjoying life just as he did when he was a barefooted boy, fishing for
+perch at the old mill pond, and when he mentioned his career as a boy,
+and his enjoyments, dad told about his youth, and how he never got so
+much pleasure in after life as he did when he had a stone bruise on his
+heel, and went off into the woods and cut a tamarack pole and caught
+sunfish till the cows came home.
+
+The King brightened up and told dad he had a pond in the palace grounds,
+stocked with old-fashioned fish, and every day he took off his shoes and
+rolled up his pants, and with nothing on but a shirt and pants held
+up by one suspender of striped bed ticking, he went out in a boat and
+fished as he did when a boy, with a bent pin for a hook, and he was
+never so happy as when so engaged, and they could all have their grand
+functions, and balls, and dinners, and Turkish baths, if they wanted
+them, but give him the old swimming hole. “Me, too,” said dad, and as
+dad looked down into the park he saw a little lake, and dad held up two
+fingers, just as boys do when they mean to say, “Come on, let's go in
+swimming,” and the King said, “I'll go you,” and they locked arms
+and started through the woods to the little lake, and the dog and I
+followed.
+
+[Illustration: Dad and Leopold make a rush for that swimming place 372]
+
+Well, sir, you'd a dide to see dad and Leopold make a rush for that
+swimming place. The King put his hand in the water, and said it was
+fine, and began to peel his clothes off, and dad took off his clothes
+and the King made a jump and went in all over, and came up with his eyes
+full of water, strangling because he did not hold his nose, and then dad
+made a leap and splashed the water like an elephant had fallen in, and
+there those two old men were in the lake, just like kids.
+
+[Illustration: I'll swim you a match to the other side 378]
+
+“I'll swim you a match to the other side,” said the King. “It's a go,”
+ said dad, and they started porpoising across the little lake, and then
+I thought it was time there was something doing; so I got busy and tied
+their clothes in knots so tight you couldn't get them untied without an
+act of parliament. They went ashore on the opposite side of the lake,
+cause some women were driving through the grounds, and then I found
+a flock of goats grazing on the lawn, and the dog and I drove them to
+where the clothes were tied in knots, and when the goats began to chew
+the clothes I took the dog and went back to the entrance of the park,
+and dad and the King swam back to where the clothes and the goats were,
+and when they drove the goats away, and couldn't untie the knots, the
+King gave the grand hailing sign of distress, or something, and the
+guards of the palace and some cavalry came on the run, and the park
+seemed filled with an army, and I bid the dog good-bye, and went back to
+the hotel alone and waited for dad.
+
+[Illustration: When the goats began to chew the clothes 375]
+
+Dad didn't get back till after dark, and when he came he had on a suit
+of the King's clothes, too tight around the stomach, and too long in the
+legs, cause dad is pusey, and the King is long-geared. “Did you have a
+good time, dad?” says I, and he said, “Haven't you got any respect for
+age, condemn you? The King has ordered that you be fed to the animals in
+the zoo.” I told him I didn't care a darn what they did with me; I had
+been brought up to tie knots in clothes when I saw people in swimming,
+and I didn't care whether they were crowned heads or just plain dubs,
+and I asked dad how they got along when their clothes were chewed up. He
+said the soldiers covered them with pouches and got them to the palace,
+and they had supper, he and the King, and the servants brought out a lot
+of clothes and he got the best fit he could. I asked him if the King was
+actually mad, and he said no, that he always enjoyed such things,
+and wanted dad and I to come the next day and go fishing with him,
+barefooted. Say, dad can go, but I wouldn't be caught by that King on a
+bet. He would get even, sure, cause he has a look in his eye like they
+have in a sanitarium. Not any king business for your little Hennery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+     The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter about Holland and Cuba--Dad and
+     the Boy go for a Drive in a Dogcart--They have a Great Time--
+     Land in Cuba and See the Island t we Fought for.
+
+Havana, Cuba. My Dear Old Greaser: We stopped in Holland for a couple of
+days after we left Belgium, and it was the most disappointing country
+we visited on our whole trip. We expected to be walked on with wooden
+shoes, and from what we had heard of that Duke that married Queen
+Wilhelmina, we thought we were going to a country where men were cruel
+to their wives, and swatted them over the head when things didn't go
+right, but when we saw the queen riding with her husband, as free, from
+ostentation as a department store clerk would ride out with his cash
+girl wife, and saw happiness beaming on the face of the queen and her
+husband, and saw them squeeze hands and look lovingly into each other's
+eyes, we made up our minds that you couldn't believe these newspaper
+scandals. And when we saw the broad-shouldered, broad-chested and
+broad-everywhere women of Holland we concluded that it would be a brave
+or reckless husband who would be unkind to one of them, and mighty
+dangerous because the women are stronger than the men, and any woman
+could whip four men at the drop of the hat, because she could take off
+her wooden shoes and strike out and a man would think he had been hit by
+a railroad tie.
+
+Illustration: Any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat 388
+
+I do not know what makes Hollanders wear wooden shoes, unless they are
+sentenced to do it, or that they are unruly, and have to be hobbled,
+to keep them from jumping fences, but the people are so good and honest
+that after you have met them you forget the vaudeville feature of their
+costumes, and love them, and wish the people of other countries were as
+honest as they. For two or three days we were not robbed, and I do not
+believe there is a dishonest man or woman in Holland, except one. There
+was one woman that played it on dad in Amsterdam, but I think she only
+played him for a sucker for a joke, for she laughed all the time.
+
+Dad was much struck at seeing the women selling milk from little carts,
+hauled by teams of big dogs, and he negotiated with a woman for a dog
+team and cart, and all one day dad and I put on wooden shoes, and Dutch
+clothes and drove the dog team around town, and we had the time of
+our lives, more fun than I ever had outside of a circus, but the shoes
+skinned our feet, and when the dogs laid down to rest, and dad couldn't
+talk dog language to make them get up and go ahead, he kicked the off
+dog with his wooden shoe, and the dog got up and grabbed a mouthful of
+dad's ample pants and shook dad till his teeth were loose.
+
+[Illustration: Grabbed a mouthful of dad's ample pants 386]
+
+A woman driving another mess of dogs had to come and choke the off dog
+so he wouldn't swallow dad, pants and all. Dad gave her a dollar for
+rescuing him, and what do you think? Say, she pulled an old stocking of
+money out of her bosom and counted out ninety-six cents in change and
+gave it back to dad, and only charged four cents for saving his life,
+and that couldn't occur in any other country, cause in most places they
+would take the dollar and strike him for more.
+
+Dad wanted to take the dog team and cart to Milwaukee to give it to a
+friend who sells red hot weiners, and so we arranged to have the team
+loaded on the boat, but just before the boat sailed, the dog team was
+lying down on the dock, sleeping and scratching flees, when the woman
+dad bought the team of came along and spoke to the dogs in Dutch, and,
+say, those dogs woke up and started on a regular runaway down the dock,
+after the laughing woman, and disappeared up the street. Just as the
+boat whistled to pull in the gang planks, dad and I stood on deck and
+saw the team disappear, and dad said, “Buncoed again, by gosh, and it is
+all your condemned fault. Why didn't you hang on to that off dog.” Well,
+we lost our dog team, but we got the worth of our money, for we saw a
+people who do not eat much beside cabbage and milk, and they are the
+strongest in the world, and there never was a case of dyspepsia in their
+country. We saw a people with stone bruises on their heels and corns on
+their toes, smiling and laughing all the time. We met a people that work
+all the time, and never take any recreation except churning and rocking
+babies, and yet never have to call a doctor, because there are no
+doctors except veterinary surgeons, who care for dogs and cattle.
+
+The people we met in Holland wear wooden shoes to teach them patience
+and humility. With wooden shoes no frenzied financier of Holland will
+ever travel the fast road of speculation, slip on a bucket-shop banana
+peel, and fall on the innocent bystander who has coughed up his savings
+and given them to the honest financier to safely invest.
+
+The bank of Holland is an old woolen stock ing, and money never comes
+out of the stocking unless there is a string to it, and the string is
+the heart string of an honest people, that will stand no trifling. If a
+dishonest financier came to Holland from any other country, and did any
+of his dirty work, the women of Holland, who handle the funds, would
+give him such a hazing that he would never open his three-card monte
+lay-out in any other country.
+
+It is a country where you get the right change back, and the cows give
+eighteen carat milk, and the hens have not learned to lay small, cold
+storage eggs. It is the country for me, if the women would wear corsets,
+and not be the same size all the way down, so that if you hugged a girl
+you wouldn't make a dent in her, that would not come out until she got
+her breath.
+
+And we left such a country and such a people, to come here to Cuba,
+where the population now comprises the meanest features of the desperate
+and wicked Spaniards, beaten at their own game of loot, the trickiness
+of the native Cuban, flushed with pride because his big American brother
+helped him to drive away the Spaniard that he could never have gotten
+rid of alone, and with no respect for the American who helped, and only
+meets him respectfully because he is afraid of being thrown into the
+ocean if he is impudent, and the worst class of Yankee grafters and
+highway robbers that have ever been allowed to stray away from the land
+of the free. That is what Cuba is to-day.
+
+Soulless Yankee corporations have got hold of most of the branches of
+business that there is any money in, and the things that do not pay and
+never can be made to pay, are for sale to tenderfeet. The cuban hates
+the Yankee, the Yankee hates the Cuban, and the Spaniard hates both, and
+both hate him. In Havana your hotel, owned by a Cuban, run by a Yankee,
+with a Spanish or Portuguese cashier, will take all the money you bring
+into it for a bed at night, and hold your baggage till your can cable
+for money to buy breakfast. It is a “free country,” of course, run by
+men who will fly high as long as they can borrow money for some one else
+to pay after they are dead, but within ten years the taxes will eat the
+people so they will be head over heels in debt to the Yankee and the
+Spaniard, the German and the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Italian,
+and some day warships will sail into Havana harbor, over the submerged
+bones of the “Maine,” and there will be a fight for juicy morsels of the
+Cuban dead horse, by the congregated buzzards of strange navies, unless
+they shall shake the dice for the carcass, and by carefully loading the
+dice saw the whole thing off on to Uncle Sam, and make him pay the debts
+of the deceased republic, and act as administrator for the benefit of
+the children of the sawed off republic, whose only asset now is climate
+that feels good, but contains germs of all diseases, and tobacco that
+smells good when it is in conflagration under your nose, and does not
+kill instantly if it is pasted up in a Wisconsin wrapper, that is the
+pure goods. If tobacco ever ceases to be a fad with the rich consumer
+of fifty-cent cigars, and beet sugar is found to contain no first aid
+to Bright's disease, Cuba will amount to about as much as Dry Tortugas,
+which has purer air, and the Isle of Pines, which has more tropical
+scenery and less yellow fever. But now the Island of Cuba is a joy, and
+Havana is like Heaven, until you come to pay your bill, when it is hell.
+Streets so wide you cannot see a creditor on the other side, pavements
+as smooth as the road to perdition, and tropical trees, plants and
+flowers, with birds of rare plumage, you feel like sitting on a cold
+bench in the shade, and wishing all your friends were here to enjoy a
+taste of what will come to those who are truly good, in the hereafter,
+when suddenly you are taken with a chill up the spinal column, and a
+cold sweat comes out on the forehead, and the internal arrangements go
+on a strike because of the cold, perspiring cucumber you had for lunch,
+and you go to the doctor, who does not do a thing to you, but scare you
+out of your boots by talking of cholera, and giving you the card of
+his partner, the undertaker, telling you never to think of dying in a
+tropical country without being embalmed, because you look so much better
+when you are delivered at your home by the express company, and then he
+gives you pills and a bill, and an alarm clock that goes off every hour
+to take a pill by, and furnishes you an officer to go home to your hotel
+with you to collect his bill, and you pawn your watch and sleeve buttons
+for a steerage ticket to New York, where you arrive as soon as the Lord
+will let you, and stay as long as He thinks is good for you.
+
+Dad has not been much good in Havana, cause he wanted to see the whole
+business in one day. He got a row boat and went out in the harbor to
+where the back-bone of the “Maine” acts as a monument to the fellows who
+yet sleep in the mud of the bottom, and after tying a little American
+flag on the rigging that sticks up above the water, and damning the
+villains who blew up the good ship, we went back to town and drove out
+to the cemetery where several hundred of our boys are buried, where we
+left flowers on the graves and a cuss in the balmy air for the guilty
+wretches who fired the bomb, and then we went back to the city and
+walked the beautiful streets, until dad began to have cramps, from
+trying to eat all the fruit he could hold, and then it was all off, and
+I was going to call a carriage to take him to the hotel, when dad saw a
+negro astride a single ox, hitched to a cart, who had come in from the
+country, and dad said he wanted to ride in that cart, if it was the last
+act of his life, and as dad was beginning to swell up from the fruit he
+had eaten, I thought he better ride in an open cart, cause in a carriage
+he might swell up so we couldn't get him out of the door when we got to
+the hotel, so I hired the negro, got dad in the cart, and we started,
+but the ox walked so slow I was afraid we would never get dad there
+alive, so I told the negro dad had the cholera, and that settled, for
+he kicked the slats of the ox in with his heels, and the ox bellowed and
+run away, and the negro turned pale from fright, and I guess the runaway
+ride on the cobble stone pavement was what saved dad's life, for the
+swelling in dad's inside began to go down, and when we got to the hotel
+he got out of the cart alone, and I knew he was better, for he shook
+himself, gulluped up wind, and said, “You think you are smart, don't
+you?” So I will close.
+
+Yours,
+
+Hennery.
+
+[Illustration: The ox bellowed and run away 382]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+
+<!DOCTYPE html
+   PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" />
+    <title>
+      Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    .pagenum   {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal;
+               margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%;
+               text-align: right;}
+    pre     { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+</style>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Peck's Bad Boy Abroad
+       Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad
+              in Their Journeys Through Foreign Lands - 1904
+
+Author: George W. Peck
+
+Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25489]
+Last Updated: October 5, 2016
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+            <img alt="spine (62K)" src="images/spine.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+          </div>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+            <img alt="cover (200K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+          </div>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img alt="004 (105K)" src="images/004.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img alt="titlepage (79K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      By Hon. Geo. W. Peck
+    </h2>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad in Their
+        Journeys Through Foreign Lands, Their Visits to Crowned Heads, the
+        Manners and Customs of the People, and the Bad Boy's Never Ending
+        Efforts to Provide Fun No Matter Where He Is.
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <h3>
+      Profusely Illustrated by D. S. Groesbeck and R. W. Taylor
+    </h3>
+    <h4>
+      THOMPSON &amp; THOMAS - 1904
+    </h4>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      Contents
+    </h2>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_TOC"> DETAILED CONTENTS </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <big><b>PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD.</b></big>
+            </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      List of Illustrations
+    </h2>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Don't Shoot, Please 019 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's
+            Arctic Overshoes 027 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase
+            31 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0005"> He Began to Dance All Around the Platform
+            037 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0006"> Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the
+            Porter 042 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0007"> President Began to Curl up his Lip 045
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0008"> I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch
+            047 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George
+            and Martha 050 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0010"> Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants
+            057 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0011"> The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0012"> One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0013"> Night Watchman Came in With a House
+            Policeman 071 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0014"> I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More
+            Than I Do 074 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0015"> A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen
+            078 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Snarl at Everybody They See 101 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0018"> Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those
+            Princes 098 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0019"> Beefeater's Stampede 107 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0020"> Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0021"> Settling the Irish Question 115 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0022"> God Save the King 119 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0023"> He Went over Backwards 121 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0024"> Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of
+            The Heroes 126 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0025"> Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0026"> Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to
+            Wad a Gun 131 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0027"> Dad Drove the Dukes out 135 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0028"> Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0029"> A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0030"> I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0031"> Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed
+            148 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0032"> Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word
+            &ldquo;bishop&rdquo; 153 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0033"> Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail
+            155 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0034"> Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and
+            Women 157 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0035"> He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0036"> Dance, Like They Had Seen the People
+            Dance at The Show 164 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0037"> A System of Gambling 162 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0038"> Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke
+            166 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0039"> Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up
+            Another Roll 171 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0040"> Started in on a Democratic Speech 175
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0041"> Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to
+            Say a Prayer 178 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0042"> Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet
+            181 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0043"> Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened
+            183 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0044"> Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till
+            Morning 188 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0045"> Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just
+            Giving to Beggars 191 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0046"> Overboard, One Yell in the English
+            Language, One In Eye-talian 193 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0047"> Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do
+            You 197 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0048"> Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0049"> Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0050"> Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0051"> The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a
+            Sight 210 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0052"> It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old
+            Baldhead 214 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0053"> And She Was Stroking his Hair 217 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0054"> He Was Yelling for Water 223 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0055"> Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0056"> It Brought on a Revolution 227 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0057"> What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of
+            Amusement 230 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0058"> Went over in the Sand and Struck his
+            Pants on a Cactus 233 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0059"> He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0060"> Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me
+            238 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0061"> For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0062"> He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and
+            Throw Me Into a Pile 246 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0063"> The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just
+            Doted On Americans 250 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0064"> See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money
+            253 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0065"> A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed
+            Him over The Back 258 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0066"> Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a
+            Revolver 255 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0067"> Hung by One Pant Leg 264 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0068"> Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0069"> Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0070"> Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0071"> When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and
+            Petted It 276 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0072"> Get out You Hounds 282 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0073"> There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
+            To-night 279 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0074"> Another Took Me by the Ear 285 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0075"> He Must Bring his Folks, and All His
+            Wives 289 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0076"> He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0077"> Stampede 299 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0078"> It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To
+            American Epidermis 304 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0079"> Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf
+            308 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0080"> Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids
+            311 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0081"> I Was Ashamed of Dad 319 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0082"> Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0083"> Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0084"> Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The
+            Banks Will Cave In 329 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0085"> Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would
+            Split Hisself 333 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0086"> Breathed in his Face 339 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0087"> The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne
+            Pepper Candy 347 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0088"> Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0089"> Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns
+            349 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0090"> There is Laughter Everywhere 353 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0091"> And So This is the Champion Little Devil
+            of America 357 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0092"> Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and
+            Scratched his Back 364 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0093"> Began to Sell Things To Dad 368 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0094"> Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That
+            Swimming Place 372 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0095"> I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side
+            378 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0096"> When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes
+            375 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0097"> Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants
+            386 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0098"> The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382 </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CONTENTS
+    </h2>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER I. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Groceryman
+        After Being Away at <br /> School&mdash;The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER II. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels&mdash;The
+        Bad Boy Labels the <br /> Old Man's Suit Case&mdash;How the Cowboys Made
+        Him Dance Once <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER III. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to
+        Washington&mdash;He <br /> and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt&mdash;The
+        Bad Boy Meets One of the <br /> Children and They Disagree <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER IV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon&mdash;Dad
+        Weeps at the Grave of <br /> the Father of Our Country <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER V. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the
+        Waldorf-Astoria&mdash;The Bad Boy <br /> Orders Dinner&mdash;The Old Man
+        Gets Stuck&mdash;Tries to Rescue a Countess in <br /> Distress <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER VI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean
+        Voyages&mdash;His Dad Has <br /> an Argument Over a Steamer Chair. <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER VII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog&mdash;Call on Astor&mdash;A
+        Dynamite Outrage <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER VIII. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the
+        White-chapel <br /> District&mdash;He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower
+        of London <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER IX. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost
+        Settle the Irish <br /> Question <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER X. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen&mdash;¦
+        They Get a Taste <br /> of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story of
+        the Picklemaker's <br /> Daughter <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About Paris&mdash;Tells About the
+        Trip Across the English <br /> Channel&mdash;Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets
+        Arrested <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XII. <br /> The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris&mdash;Dad
+        Poses as a Mormon Bishop <br /> and Has to Be Rescued&mdash;They Climb
+        the Eiffel Tower and the Old Man Gets <br /> Converted <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XIII. <br /> The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a
+        Scheme to Break the <br /> Bank, But They Go Broke&mdash;The Party in
+        Trouble <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XIV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride&mdash;They
+        Run Over a <br /> Peasant&mdash;Climb &ldquo;Glaziers&rdquo;&mdash;Dad Falls Over a
+        Precipice, But Is Rescued by <br /> the Guides After a Hard Time of It
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XV. <br /> Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist&mdash;They Give Alms to
+        the Beggars and the Bad <br /> Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the
+        Grand Canal <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XVI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes from Naples&mdash;Dad Sees
+        Vesuvius and Calls the Servants <br /> to Put Out the Fire&mdash;They
+        Have Trouble with a &ldquo;Dago&rdquo; in Pompeii <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XVII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius&mdash;A
+        Chicago Lady Joins the Party <br /> and Causes Trouble <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XVIII. <br /> The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian
+        Children&mdash;Dad is Chased by <br /> Lions from the Coliseum&mdash;&rdquo;
+         Not Any More Rome for Papa,&rdquo; says Dad <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XIX. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope&mdash;They Bow
+        to, the King of Italy <br /> and His Nine Spots&mdash;Dad Finds That &ldquo;The
+        Catacombs&rdquo; Is Not a Comic Opera <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XX. <br /> The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the
+        Trouble They Had to <br /> Get There&mdash;Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It
+        Up with the People and Soldiers <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXI. <br /> Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints&mdash;'The
+        Bad Boy Arranges a Wolf <br /> Hunt&mdash;Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy
+        to the Wolves <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXII. <br /> Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople&mdash;They
+        Find the Turks <br /> Sensitive on the Dog Question&mdash;A College Yell
+        for the Sultan Sends Him <br /> Into a Fit <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXIII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem&mdash;&ldquo;Little
+        Egypt&rdquo; Does <br /> a Dancing Stunt&mdash;The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty
+        Wives to the President <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXIV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo&mdash;At the
+        Hotel They Meet Some <br /> Egyptian Princesses&mdash;Dad Rides a Camel
+        to the Pyramids and Meets with <br /> Difficulties <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids&mdash;The
+        Bad Boy Lights a Cannon <br /> Cracker in Rameses' Tomb&mdash;They Flee
+        from Egypt in Disguise <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXVI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar&mdash;The
+        Irish-English Army&mdash;How He Would <br /> Take the Fortress&mdash;Dad
+        Wants to Buy the &ldquo;Rock&rdquo; <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXVII. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes of Spain&mdash;They call On the
+        King and the Bad Boy Is At <br /> It Once More&mdash;They See a Bull
+        Fight and Dad Does a Turn <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXVIII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin&mdash;They Call
+        On Emperor William and His <br /> Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on
+        Them All <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXIX. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels&mdash;He and Dad
+        See the Field of Waterloo <br /> and Call on King Leopold, and Dad and
+        the King Go in for a Swim&mdash;The Bad <br /> Boy, a Dog and Some Goats
+        Do the Rest <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXX. <br /> The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter About Holland and Cuba&mdash;Dad
+        and the Boy Go <br /> for a Drive in a Dog-Cart&mdash;They Have a Great
+        Time&mdash;Land in Cuba and See <br /> the Island We Fought For <br />
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD.
+    </h1>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Grocery-man After
+     Being Away at School&mdash;The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The bad boy had been away to school, but the illness of his father had
+      called him home, and for some weeks he had been looking about the old
+      town. He had found few of his old friends. His father had recovered
+      somewhat from his illness, and one day he met his old chum, a boy of his
+      own age. The bad boy and the chum got busy at once, talking over the old
+      times that tried the souls of the neighbors and finally the bad boy asked
+      about the old groceryman, and found that the old man still held out at the
+      old stand, with the same old stock of groceries, and they decided to call
+      upon him, and surprise him. So after it began to be dark they entered the
+      store, and found the old groceryman sitting on a cracker box by the stove,
+      stroking the back of an old maltese cat that had a yellow streak on the
+      back, where it had been singed by crawling under the red-hot stove. As the
+      boys entered the store the cat raised its back, its tail became as large
+      as a rolling pin, and the cat began to spit, while the old groceryman held
+      up both hands and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/019.jpg" alt="Don't Shoot, Please 019 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't shoot, please, but one of you go behind the counter and take what
+      there is in the cash drawer, while the other one can reach into my pistol
+      pocket and release my pocketbook. This is the fifth time I have been held
+      up this year, and I have got so if I am not held up about so often I can't
+      sleep nights.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, put down your hands and straighten out that cat's back,&rdquo; said the bad
+      boy, as he slapped the old groceryman on the back so hard his spine
+      cracked like a frozen sidewalk. &ldquo;Don't you know us, you old geezer? We are
+      the only and original Peck's Bad Boy and his Chum, come to life, and ready
+      for business,&rdquo; and the two boys danced a jig on the floor, covered an inch
+      thick with the spilled sugar of years ago, the molasses that had strayed
+      from barrel, and the general refuse of the dirty place, which had become
+      as hard as asphalt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, dear, it is worse than I thought,&rdquo; said the old groceryman as he
+      laughed a hysterical laugh through the long whiskers, and he hugged the
+      boys as though he had a liking for them, notwithstanding the suffering
+      they had caused him. &ldquo;By gosh, I thought you were nothing but common
+      robbers, who just wanted my money. You are old friends, and can have the
+      whole place,&rdquo; and he poured some milk into a basin for the cat, but the
+      animal only looked at the two boys as though she knew them, and watched
+      them to see what was coming next.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The bad boy looked around the old grocery, which had not changed a
+      particle during the time he had been away, the same old box of petrified
+      prunes, the dried apples that could not be cut with a hatchet, the canned
+      stuff on the shelves had become so old that the labels had curled up and
+      fallen off, so it must have been a guess with the old groceryman whether
+      he was selling a can of peas or tomatoes, and the old fellow standing
+      there as though the world had gone off and left him, as his customers had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, wouldn't this skin you,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as he took up a dried
+      prune and tried to crack it with a hatchet on a two-pound weight, turning
+      to his chum who was stroking the singed hair of the old cat the wrong way.
+      &ldquo;Say, old man, you ought to get a hustle on you. Why don't you clean out
+      this shebang, and put in a new stock, of goods, and have clerks with white
+      aprons on, and a girl bookkeeper, and goods that people will buy and eat
+      and not get sick? There is a grocery down street that is as clean as a
+      whistle, and I notice all your old customers go there. Why don't you keep
+      up with the times?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, I ain't running a dude place,&rdquo; said the old man, as he took a piece of
+      soft coal and put it in the old round stove, and wiped the black off his
+      hands on his trousers. &ldquo;I am trying to get rid of my customers. I have got
+      money enough to live on, and I just stay here waiting for the old cat to
+      die. I have only got six customers left, and one of them has got
+      pneumonia, and is going to die, then there will be only five. When they
+      are all gone I shall sit here by the stove until the end comes. There is
+      nothing doing now to keep me awake, since you boys quit getting me mad.
+      Say, boys, do you know, I haven't been real mad since you quit coming
+      here. The only fun I have had is swearing at my customers when they stick
+      up their noses at my groceries. It's the funniest thing, when I tell an
+      old customer that if they don't like my goods they can go plum to thunder,
+      they get mad and go somewhere else to trade. Times must be changing. Years
+      ago, the more I abused customers the more they liked it, and I just
+      charged the goods to them with a pencil on a piece of brown wrapping
+      paper. I had four cracker boxes full of brown wrapping paper with things
+      charged on the paper against customers, but when anybody wanted to pay
+      their account it made my head ache to find it, and so one day I balanced
+      my books by using the brown wrapping paper to kindle the fire. If you ever
+      want to get even with the world, easy, just pour a little kerosene on your
+      accounts, and put them in the stove. I have never been so free from worry
+      as I have since I balanced my books in the stove. Well, I suppose you have
+      come home on account of your dad's sickness,&rdquo; said the old groceryman,
+      turning to the bad boy, who had written a sign, 'The Morgue,' and pinned
+      it on the window. &ldquo;I understand your dad had an operation performed on him
+      in a hospital. What did the doctors take out of him?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dad had an operation all right,&rdquo; said the bad boy, &ldquo;but he is not as much
+      interested in what they took out of him, as what he thinks they left in.
+      They said they removed his appendix, and I guess they did, for dad showed
+      me the bill the doctors rendered. The bill was big enough so they might
+      have taken out a whole lot more. If I had been home I would never have let
+      him be cut into, but ma insisted that he must have an operation. She said
+      all the men on our street, and all that moved in our set, had had
+      operations, and she was ashamed to go out in society and be forced to
+      admit that dad never had an operation, She told dad that he could afford
+      it better than half the people that had operations, and that a scar
+      criss-cross on the stomach was a badge of honor. He never got a scar in
+      the army, and she simply would not be able to look people in the face
+      unless dad was operated on. Dad always was subject to stomach ache, but
+      until appendicitis became fashionable he had always taken a mess of pills,
+      and come out all right, but ma diagnosed the case the last time he was
+      doubled up like a jack-knife, and dad was hustled off to the hospital, and
+      they didn't do a thing to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He told me about it since I came home, and now he lays the whole thing to
+      ma, and I have to stand between them. He is going to get even with ma,
+      though. The first time she complains of anything going on inside of her
+      works, he is going to send her right to a hospital and have the doctors do
+      their worst. Dad said to me, says he:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Hennery, if you ever feel anything like a caucus being held inside you,
+      don't you ever go to a hospital, but just swallow a stick of dynamite and
+      light the fuse, then there won't be anything left inside to bother you
+      afterwards. When I got to the hospital they stripped me for a prize fight,
+      put me on a table made of glass, and rolled me into the operating room,
+      gave me chloroform and when they thought I was all in, they took an axe
+      and chopped me. I could feel every blow, and it is a wonder they left
+      enough of your old dad for you to hug when you came home.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say, it is kind of pitiful to hear dad talk about the things they left in
+      him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What things does he think they left in him,&rdquo; asked the old groceryman, as
+      he looked frightened, and felt of his stomach, as though he mistrusted
+      there might be something wrong with him, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, dad has been reading in the papers about doctors that perform
+      operations leaving sponges, forceps, and things inside of patients, when
+      they close up the place, and since dad has got pretty fussy since his
+      operation he thinks they left something in him. Some days he thinks they
+      left a roll of cotton batting, or a pillow, or a bale of hay, but when
+      there is a sharp pain inside he thinks they left a carving knife, but for
+      a week he has settled down to the belief that the doctors left a monkey
+      wrench in him, and he is just daffy on that subject. Says he can feel it
+      turning around, as though it was miscrewing machinery, and he wants to
+      consult a new doctor every day as to what he can take to dissolve a monkey
+      wrench, so it will pass off through the blood and pores of the skin. He
+      has taken it into his head that nothing will save his life except to
+      travel all over the country, and the world. I am to go with him to look
+      after him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/025.jpg" alt="Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By ginger, it's great! Just think of it. Traveling all over the world and
+      nothing to do but nurse my old dad who thinks he is filled with hardware
+      and carpenter's tools. Gee! but I wish you could go,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as
+      he put him arm around his chum. &ldquo;Maybe we wouldn't make these foreigners
+      sit up and take an interest in something besides Royalty and Riots.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said the groceryman, &ldquo;they will have my sympathy with you alone
+      over there.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But before you start on the road with your monkey-wrench show, you come
+      in here and let me put up a package of those prunes to take along. They
+      will keep in any climate, and there is nothing better for iron in the
+      blood, such as your dad has, than prunes. Call again, bub, and we will
+      arrange for you to write to your chum from all the places you go with your
+      dad, and he can come in here and read the letters to me and the cat.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All right, old Father Time,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as he drew a mug of cider
+      out of the vinegar barrel, and took a swallow. &ldquo;But what you want to do is
+      to get a road scraper and drive a team through this grocery, and clean the
+      floor,&rdquo; and the boys went out just ahead of the old man's arctic
+      overshoes, as he kicked at them, and then he went back and sat down by the
+      stove and stroked the cat, which had got its back down level again, after
+      its old enemies had gone down the street, throwing snowballs at the driver
+      of a hearse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/027.jpg"
+       alt="Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's Arctic Overshoes 027 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is a solemn occupation to drive a hearse,&rdquo; said the bad boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Not so solemn as riding inside,&rdquo; said the chum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels&mdash;The Bad Boy
+     Labels the Old Man's Suit Case&mdash;How the Cowboys Made Him
+     Dance Once.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The old groceryman was in front of the grocery, bent oyer a box of
+      rutabagas, turning the decayed sides down to make the possible customer
+      think all was not as bad as it might be, when a shrill whistle down the
+      street attracted his attention. He looked in the direction from which it
+      came, and saw the bad boy coming with a suit case in one hand and a sole
+      leather hat box in the other, and the old man went in the store to say a
+      silent prayer, and to lay a hatchet and an ax handle where he could reach
+      them if the worst came.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, you want to get a good look at me now,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as he
+      dropped the valise on the floor, and put the hat box on the counter, &ldquo;for
+      it will be months and maybe years, before you see me again.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, joy!&rdquo; said the old groceryman, as he heaved a sigh, and tried to look
+      sorry. &ldquo;What is it, reform school, or have the police ordered you out of
+      town? I have felt it coming for a long time. This is the only town you
+      could have plied your vocation so long in and not been pulled. Where are
+      you going with the dude suit case and the hat box?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, dad has got a whole mess more diseases, and the doctors had a
+      conversation over him Sunday, and they say he has got to go away again,
+      right now, and that a sea voyage will brace him up and empty him out so
+      medicine over in Europe can get in its work and strengthen him so he can
+      start back after a while and probably die on the way home, and be buried
+      at sea. Dad says he will go, for he had rather die at sea than on land,
+      'cause they don't have to have any trouble about a funeral, 'cause all
+      they do is to sew a man up in a piece of cloth, tie a sack of coal to his
+      feet, slide him off a board, and he goes kerplunk down into the salt water
+      about a mile, and stands there on his feet and makes the whales and sharks
+      think he is a new kind of fish.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gee! but that is a programme that appeals to me as sort of uncanny,&rdquo; said
+      the old man. &ldquo;Is your dad despondent over the outlook? What new disease
+      has he got?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/031.jpg"
+       alt="Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase 31 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All of 'em,&rdquo; said the boy, as he took a label off a tomato can and pasted
+      it on the end of the suit case. &ldquo;You take an almanac and read about all
+      the diseases that the medicine advertised in the almanac cures, and dad
+      has got the whole lot of them, nervous prostration, rheumatism, liver
+      trouble, stomach busted, lungs congested, diaphragm turned over, heart
+      disease, bronchitis, corns, bunions, every darn thing a man can catch
+      without costing him anything. But he is not despondent. He just thinks it
+      is an evidence of genius, and a certificate of standing in society and
+      wealth. He argues that the poor people who have only one disease are not
+      in it with statesmen and scholars. Oh, he is all right. He thinks if he
+      goes to Europe all knocked out, he will class with emperors and dukes. Oh,
+      since he had that operation and had his appendix chopped out, he thinks
+      there is a bond of sympathy between him and King Edward that will cause
+      him to be invited to be the guest of royalty. He is just daffy,&rdquo; and the
+      bad boy took a sapolio label out of a box and pasted it on the other end
+      of the valise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What in thunder and lightning are you pasting those labels on your valise
+      for?&rdquo; said the old man, as the boy reached for a Quaker oats label and a
+      soap advertisement and pasted them on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, dad said he wished he had some foreign labels of hotels and things on
+      his valise, to make fellow travelers believe he had been abroad before,
+      and I told him I could fix it all right. You see, if I paste things all
+      over the valise he will think it is all right, 'cause he is near sighted,&rdquo;
+       and the boy pasted on a label for 37 varieties of pickles, and then put on
+      an advertisement for hair restorer on the hat box.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say, here's a fine one, this malted milk label, with a New Jersey cow on
+      the corner,&rdquo; said the old man, as he began to take interest in the boy's
+      talent as an artist. &ldquo;And here, try one of these green pea can labels, and
+      the pork and beans legend, and the only soap. Say, if you and your dad
+      don't create a sensation from the minute you take the train till you get
+      back, you can take it out of my wages. When are you going?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;To-morrow night,&rdquo; said the boy, as he put more labels on the hat box, and
+      stood off and looked at them with the eye of an artist. &ldquo;We go to New York
+      first to stay a few days and see things, and then we take a steamer and
+      sail away, and the sicker dad is the more time I will have to fill up on
+      useful nollig.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hennery,&rdquo; said the old groceryman, as his chin trembled, and a tear came
+      to his eye. &ldquo;I want to ask you a favor. At times, when you have been
+      unusually mean, I have thought I hated you, but when I have said something
+      ugly to you, and have laid awake all night regretting it, it has occurred
+      to me that you were about the best friend I had. I think it makes an old
+      man forget his years, to be chummy with a live boy, full of ginger, and I
+      do like you, condemn you, and I can't help it. Now I want you to write me
+      every little while, on your trip, and I will read your letters to the
+      customers here in the store, who will be lonely until they can hear that
+      you are dead. The neighbors will come in to read your letters, and it will
+      bring me custom. Will you write to me, boy, and pour out your heart to me,
+      and tell me of the different troubles you get your dad into, for surely
+      you cannot help finding trouble over there if you go hunting for it.
+      Promise me, boy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You bet your life I will, old pard,&rdquo; said the bad boy. &ldquo;I shall have to
+      have some escape valve to keep from busting. I was going to write to my
+      chum, but he is in love with a telephone girl, and he don't take any time
+      for pleasure. I will write you about every dutch and duchess we meet,
+      every prince and pauper, and everything. You watch my smoke, and you will
+      think there is a train afire. I hope dad will try and restrain himself
+      from wanting to fight everybody that belongs to any country but America.
+      He has bought one one these little silk American flags to wear in his
+      button hole, and he swears if anybody looks cross-eyed at that flag he
+      will simply cut his liver out, and toast it on a fork, and eat it. He
+      makes me tired, and I know there is going to be trouble.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't you think your dad's mind sort of wanders?&rdquo; said the old
+      groceryman, in a whisper, &ldquo;It wouldn't be strange, after all he has gone
+      through, in raising you up to your present size, if he was a little off
+      his base.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, ma thinks he is bug-house, and the hired girl is willing to go into
+      court and swear to it, and that experience we had coming home from the
+      Yellowstone park some time ago, made me think if he was not crazy he would
+      be before long, You see, we had a hot box on the engine, and had to stay
+      at a station in the bad lands for an hour, and there were a mess of cow
+      boys on the platform, and I told dad we might as well have some amusement
+      while we were there, and that a brake-man told me the cow boys were great
+      dancers, but you couldn't hire them to dance, but if some man with a
+      strong personality would demand that they dance, and put his hand on his
+      pistol pocket they would all jump in and dance for an hour. That was
+      enough for dad, for he has a microbe that he is a man of strong
+      personality, and that when he demands that anybody do something they
+      simply got to do it, so he walked up and down the platform a couple of
+      times to get his draw poker face on, and I went up to one of the cow boys
+      and told him that the old duffer used to be a ballet dancer, and he
+      thought everybody ought to dance when they were told to, and that if the
+      spell should come on him, and he should order them to dance, it would be a
+      great favor to me if they would just give him a double shuffle or two,
+      just to ease his mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, pretty soon he came along to where the cowboys were leaning against
+      the railing, and, looking at them in a haughty manner, he said: 'Dance,
+      you kiotes, dance,' and he put his hand to his pistol pocket. Well, sir, I
+      never saw so much fun in my life. Four of the cow boys pulled revolvers
+      and began to shoot regular bullets into the platform within an inch of
+      dad's feet, and they yelled to him: 'Dance your own self, you ancient
+      maverick; whoop 'er up!' and by gosh! dad was so frightened that he began
+      to dance all around the platform, and it was like a battle, the bullets
+      splintering the boards, and the smoke filling the air, and the passengers
+      looking out of the windows and laughing, and the engineer and fireman
+      looking on and yelling, and dad nearly exhausted from the exertion. I
+      guess if the conductor had not got the hot box put out and yelled all
+      aboard, dad would have had apoplexy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/037.jpg"
+       alt="He Began to Dance All Around the Platform 037 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When he let up, the cow boys quit shooting, and he! 'ol aboard the train
+      and started. I stayed in the smoking car with the train butcher for more
+      than an hour, 'cause I was afraid if I went in the car where dad was he
+      would make some remark that would offend my pride, and when I did go back
+      to the car he just said: 'Somebody fooled you. Those fellows couldn't
+      dance, and I knew it all the time.' Yes, I guess there is no doubt dad is
+      crazy sometimes, but let me chaperone him through a few foreign countries
+      and he will stand without hitching all right. Well, goodby, now, old man,
+      and try and bear up under it, till you get a letter from me,&rdquo; and the bad
+      boy took his labeled valise and hat box and started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to
+     Washington&mdash;He and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt&mdash;
+     The Bad Boy Meets One of the Children and They Disagree.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Washington, D. C&mdash;My Dear Old Skate: I didn't tell you in my last
+      about the fun we had getting here. We were on the ocean wave two days,
+      because the whole country was flooded from the rains, and dad walked the
+      quarter deck of the Pullman car, and hitched up his pants, and looked
+      across the sea on each side of the train with a field glass, looking for
+      whales and porpoises. He seems to be impressed with the idea that this
+      trip abroad is one of great significance to the country, and that he is to
+      be a sort of minister plenipotentiary, whatever that is, and that our
+      country is going to be judged by the rest of the world by the position he
+      takes on world affairs. The first day out of Chicago dad corraled the
+      porter in a section and talked to him until the porter was black in the
+      face. I told dad the only way to get respectful consideration from a negro
+      was to advocate lynching and burning at the stake, for the slightest
+      things, so when our porter was unusually attentive to a young woman on the
+      car dad hauled him over the coals, and scared him so by talking of
+      hanging, and burning in kerosene oil, that the negro got whiter than your
+      shirt, and when he got away from dad he came to me and asked if that old
+      man with the red nose and the gold-headed cane was as dangerous as he
+      talked. I told him he was my dad, and that he was a walking delegate of
+      the Amalgamated Association of Negro Lynchers, and when a negro did
+      anything that he ought to be punished for they sent for dad, and he took
+      charge of the proceedings and saw that the negro was hanged, and shot, and
+      burned up plenty. But I told him that dad was crazy on the subject of
+      giving tips to servants, and he must not fall dead when we got to
+      Washington if dad gave him a $50 bill, and he must not give back any
+      change, but just act as though he always got $50 from passengers. Well,
+      you'd a dide to see that negro brush dad 50 times a day, and bring a towel
+      every few minutes to wipe off his shoes, but he kept one eye,' about as
+      big as an onion, on dad all the time, to watch that he didn't get stabbed.
+      The next morning I took dad's pants from under his pillow, and hid them in
+      a linen closet, and dad laid in his berth all the forenoon, and had it out
+      with the porter, whom he accused of stealing them. The doctors told me I
+      must keep dad interested and excited, so he would not dwell on his
+      sickness, and I did, sure as you are a foot high. Dad stood it till almost
+      noon, when he came out of his berth with his pajamas on, these kind with
+      great blue stripes like a fellow in the penitentiary, and when he went to
+      the wash room I found his pants and then he dressed up and swore some at
+      everybody but me. We got to Washington all right, and I thought I would
+      bust when dad fished out a nickel and gave it to the porter, and we got
+      out of the car before the porter came to, and the first day we stayed in
+      the hotel for fear the negro would see us, as I told dad that porter would
+      round up a gang of negroes with razors and they would waylay us and cut
+      dad all up into sausage meat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/041.jpg"
+       alt="Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the Porter 041 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad is the bravest man I ever saw when there is no danger, but when there
+      is a chance for a row he is weak as a cat. I spect it is on account of his
+      heart being weak. A man's internal organs are a great study. I spose a
+      brave man, a hero, has to have all his inside things working together, to
+      be real up and up brave, but if his heart is strong, and his liver is
+      white, he goes to pieces in an emergency, and if his liver is all right,
+      and he tries to fight just on his liver, when the supreme moment arrives,
+      and his heart jumps up into his throat, and wabbles and beats too quick,
+      he just flunks. I would like to dissect a real brave man, and see what
+      condition the things inside him are in, but it would be a waste of time to
+      dissect dad, 'cause I know all his inner works need to go to a watchmaker
+      and be cleaned, and a new main spring put in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, this morning dad shaved himself, and got on his frock coat, and his
+      silk hat, and said we would go over to the white house and have a talk
+      with Teddy, but first he wanted to go and see where Jefferson hitched his
+      horse to the fence when he came to Washington to be innogerated, and where
+      Jackson smoked his corn cob pipe, and swore and stormed around when he was
+      mad, and to walk on the same paths where Zachariah Taylor Zacked, Buchanan
+      catched it, and Lincoln put down the rebellion, and so we walked over
+      toward the white house, and I was scandalized. I stopped to pick up a
+      stone to throw at a dog inside the fence, and when I walked along behind
+      dad, and got a rear view of his silk hat, it seemed as though I would sink
+      through the asphalt pavement, for he had on an old silk hat that he wore
+      before the war, the darnedest looking hat I ever saw, the brim curled like
+      a minstrel show hat, the fur rubbed off in some places, and he looked like
+      one of these actors that you see pictures of walking on the railroad
+      track, when the show busts up at the last town. I think a man ought to
+      dress so his young son won't have a fit. I tried to get dad to go and buy
+      a new hat, but he said he was going to wait till he got to London, and buy
+      one just like King Edward wears, but he will never get to London with that
+      hat, 'cause to-night I will throw it out of the hotel window and put a
+      piece of stove pipe in his hat box.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you wouldn't believe it, but we got into the white house
+      without being pulled, but it was a close shave, 'cause everybody looked at
+      dad, and put their forefingers to their foreheads, for they thought he was
+      either a crank, or an ambassador from some furrin country. The detectives
+      got around dad when we got into the anteroom, and began to feel of his
+      pockets to see if he had a gun, and one of them asked me what the old
+      fellow wanted, and I told them he was the greatest bob cat shooter in the
+      west, and was on his way to Europe to invite the emperors and things to
+      come over to this country and shoot cats on his preserve. Well, say, you
+      ought to have seen how they stepped one side and waltzed around, and one
+      of them went in the next room and told the president dad was there, and
+      before we knew it we were in the president's room, and the president began
+      to curl up his lip, and show his teeth like some one had said &ldquo;rats.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/045.jpg" alt="President Began to Curl up his Lip 045 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He got hold of dad's hand, and dad backed off as though he was afraid of
+      being bitten, and then they sat down and talked about mountain lion and
+      cat shooting, and dad said he had a 22 rifle that he could pick a cat off
+      the back fence with every time, out of his bedroom window, and I began to
+      look around at the pictures. Dad and the president talked about all kinds
+      of shooting, from mudhens to moose, and then dad told the president he was
+      going abroad on account of his liver, and wanted a letter of introduction
+      to some of the kings and emperors, and queens, and jacks, and all the face
+      cards, and the president said he made it a practice not to give any
+      personal letters to his friends, the kings, but that dad could tell any of
+      them that he met that he was an American citizen, and that would take him
+      anywhere in Europe, and then he got up and began to show his teeth at dad
+      again, and dad gave him the grand hailing sign of distress of the Grand
+      Army and backed out, dropped his hat, and in trying to pick it up, he
+      stepped on it, but that made it look better, anyway, and we found
+      ourselves outside the room, and a lot of common people from the country
+      were ready to go in and talk politics and cat shooting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we looked at pictures, and saw the state dining room where they feed
+      50 diplomats at a time on mud turtle and champagne, and a boy about my
+      size looked sort of disdainful at me, and I told him it he would come
+      outside I would mash his jaw, and he said I could try it right there if I
+      was in a hurry to go, and I was starting to give him a swift punch when a
+      detective took hold of my arm and said they couldn't have any scrap there,
+      'cause the president's son could not fight with common boys, and I asked
+      him who he called a common boy, and then dad said we better go before war
+      broke out in a country that was illy prepared for hostilities on a large
+      scale, and then I told a detective that dad was liable to have one of his
+      spells and begin shooting any minute, and then the detectives all thought
+      dad was one of these president assassinationists, and they took him into a
+      room and searched him, and asked him a whole lot of fool questions, and
+      they finally let us out, and told us we better skip the town before night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/047.jpg"
+       alt="I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch 047 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad got kind of heavy-hearted over that and took a notion he would like to
+      see ma again before crossing the briny deep, so you came near having your
+      little angel again soon. This weakness of dad's didn't last long, for
+      we're looking for a warm time in New York and old Lunnon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So long,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon&mdash;Dad Weeps at the
+     Grave of the Father of Our Country.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      New York City.&mdash;My Dear Uncle Ezra: I got a letter from my chum this
+      morning, and he says he was in the grocery the day he wrote, and you were
+      a sight. He says that if I am going to be away several months you will
+      never change your shirt till I get back, for nobody around the grocery
+      seems to have any influence over you. I meant to have put you under bonds
+      before I left, to change your shirt at least quarterly, but you ought to
+      change it by rights every month. The way to do is to get an almanac and
+      make a mark on the figures at the first of the month, and when you are
+      studying the almanac it will remind you of your duty to society. People
+      east here, that is, business men in your class, change their shirts every
+      week or two. Try and look out for these little matters, insignificant as
+      they may seem, because the public has some rights that it is dangerous for
+      a man to ignore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I have been down to Mount Vernon, and had a mighty solemn time. I
+      think dad expected that we would be met at the trolley car by a delegation
+      of descendants of George Washington, by a four-horse carriage, with
+      postilions and things, and driven to the old house, and received with some
+      distinction, as dad had always been an admirer of George Washington, and
+      had pointed with pride to his record as a statesman and a soldier, but all
+      we saw was a bunch of negroes, who told us which way to walk, and charged
+      us ten cents apiece for the information.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Mount Vernon we found the old house where George lived and died, where
+      Martha told him to wipe his feet before he came in the house, and saw that
+      things were cooked properly. We saw pictures of revolutionary scenes and
+      men of that period, relics of the days when George was the whole thing
+      around there. We saw the bed on which George died, and then we went down
+      to the icehouse and looked through the fence and saw the marble coffins in
+      which George and Martha were sealed up. Say, old man, I know you haven't
+      got much reverence, but you couldn't look through that fence at what
+      remains of the father of his country without taking off your hat and
+      thinking good things while you were there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/050.jpg"
+       alt="Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George and Martha 050 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I was surprised at dad; he cried, though he never met George Washington in
+      all his life. I have seen dad at funerals at home, when he was a bearer,
+      or a mourner, and he never acted as thought it affected him much, but
+      there at Mount Vernon, standing within eight feet of the remains of George
+      Washington, he just lost his nerve, and bellered, and I felt solemn
+      myself, like I had been kept in after school when all the boys were going
+      in swimming. If a negro had not asked dad for a quarter I know dad would
+      have got down on his knees and been pious, but when he gave that negro a
+      swift kick for butting in with a commercial proposition, in a sacred
+      moment, dad come to, and we went up to the house again. Dad said what he
+      wanted was to think of George Washington just as a country farmer, instead
+      of a general and a president. He said we got nearer to George, if we
+      thought of him getting up in the morning, putting on his old farmer pants
+      and shirt, and going downstairs in his stocking feet, and going out to the
+      kitchen by the wooden bench, dipping a gourd full of rain water out of a
+      barrel into an earthen wash basin and taking some soft soap out of a dish
+      and washing himself, his shirt open so his great hairy breast would catch
+      the breeze, his suspenders, made of striped bed ticking, hanging down, his
+      hair touseled up until he had taken out a yellow pocket comb and combed
+      it, and then yelling to Martha to know about how long a workingman would
+      have to wait for breakfast. And then dad said he liked to think of George
+      Washington sitting down at the breakfast table and spearing sausages out
+      of a platter, and when a servant brought in a mess of these old-fashioned
+      buckwheat cakes, as big as a pieplate, see George, in imagination, pilot a
+      big one on to his plate, and cover it with sausage gravy, and eat like he
+      didn't have any dyspepsia, and see him help Martha to buckwheat cakes, and
+      finally get up from breakfast like a full Christian and go out on the farm
+      and count up the happy slaves to see if any of them had got away during
+      the night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By ginger, dad inspired me with new thoughts about the father of his
+      country. I had always thought of Washington as though he was constantly
+      crossing the Delaware in a skiff, through floating ice, with a cocked hat
+      on, and his coat flaps trimmed with buff nankeen stuff, a sort of a male
+      Eliza in &ldquo;Uncle Tom's Cabin,&rdquo; getting away from the hounds that were
+      chasing her to chew her pants. I was always thinking of George either
+      chopping cherry trees, or standing on a pedestal to have his picture
+      taken, but here at the old farm, with dad to inspire me, I was just
+      mingling with Washington, the planter, the neighbor, telling the negroes
+      where they would get off at if they didn't pick cotton fast enough, or
+      breaking colts, or going to the churn and drinking a quart of buttermilk,
+      and getting the stomach ache, and calling upstairs to Martha, who was at
+      the spinning wheel, or knitting woolen socks, and asking her to fix up a
+      brandy smash to cure his griping pains. I thought of the father of his
+      country taking a severe cold, and not being able to run into a drug store
+      for a bottle of cough sirup, or a quinine pill, having Martha fix a tub of
+      hot mustard water to soak those great feet of his, and bundle him up in a
+      flannel blanket, give him a hot whisky, and put him to bed with a hot
+      brick at his feet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, when I looked at a duck blind out in the Potomac, near the shore, I
+      thought how George used to put on an old coat and slouch hat and take his
+      gun and go out in the blind, and shoot canvas-back ducks for dinner, and
+      paddle his boat out after the dead birds, the way Grover Cleveland did a
+      century later. I tell you, old man, the way to appreciate our great
+      statesmen, soldiers and scholars is to think of them just as plain,
+      ordinary citizens, doing the things men do nowadays. It does dad and I
+      more good to think of Washington and his friends camping out down the
+      Potomac, on a fishing trip, sleeping on a bed of pine boughs, and cooking
+      their own pork, and roasting sweet potatoes in the ashes, eating with
+      appetites like slaves, than to think of him at a state dinner in the white
+      house, with a French cook disguising the food so they could not tell what
+      it was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, I had rather have a picture of George Washington and Lafayette coming
+      up the bank of the Potomac toward the house, loaded down with ducks, and
+      Martha standing on the porch of Mount Vernon asking them who they bought
+      the ducks of and how much they cost, than to have one of those big
+      paintings in the white house showing George and Lafayette looking as
+      though they had conquered the world. If the phonograph had been invented
+      then, and we could listen to the conversation of those men, just as they
+      said things, it would be great. Imagine George saying to Lafayette, so you
+      cotild hear it now: &ldquo;Lafe, that last shot at that canvasback you made was
+      the longest shot ever made on the Potomac. It was a Jim dandy, you old
+      frog eater,&rdquo; and imagine Lafayette replying: &ldquo;You bet your life, George, I
+      nailed that buck canvasback with a charge of number six shot, and he never
+      knew what struck him.&rdquo; But they didn't have any phonographs in those days
+      and so you have got to imagine things.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How would Washington's farewell address sound now in a phonograph, or some
+      of George's choice swear words at a slave that had ridden a sore-backed
+      mule down to Alexandria after a jug of rum. I would like to run a
+      phonograph show with nothing in the machine but ancient talk from George
+      Washington, but we can have no such luck unless George is born again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Old man, if you ever get a furlough from business, you go down to Mount
+      Vernon and revel in memories of the father of his country. If you go, hunt
+      up a negro with a hair lip, that is a servant there, and who used to be
+      Washington's body servant, unless he is a liar, and tell him I sent you
+      and he won't do a thing to you, for a dollar or so. I told that negro that
+      dad was a great general, a second Washington, and he wore all the skin off
+      his bald head taking off his hat to dad every time dad looked at him, and
+      he bowed until his back ached, but when we were going away, and dad asked
+      me what ailed the old monkey to act that way, the old negro thought these
+      new Washingtons were a pretty tough lot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the time at Mount Vernon I couldn't get up meanness enough to play any
+      trick on dad, but I picked up a sort of a horse chestnut or something,
+      with prickers on it as sharp as needles, and as we were getting on the
+      trolley I slipped it down the back of dad's pants, near where his
+      suspenders button on, and by the time we sat down in the car the horse
+      chestnut had worked down where dad is the largest, and when he leaned back
+      against the seat he turned pale and wiggled around and asked me if he
+      looked bad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/057.jpg"
+       alt="Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants 057 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I told him he looked like a corpse, which encouraged him so he almost
+      fainted. He asked me if I had heard of any contagious diseases that were
+      prevalent in Virginia, 'cause he felt as though he had caught something. I
+      told him I would ask the conductor, so I went and asked the conductor what
+      time we got to Washington, and then I went back to dad and told him the
+      conductor said there was no disease of any particular account, except
+      smallpox and yellow fever, and that the first symptom of smallpox was a
+      prickling sensation in the small of the back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad turned green and said he had got it all right, and I had the darndest
+      time getting him back to the hotel at Washington. Say, I had to help him
+      undress, and I took the horse chestnut and put it in the foot of the bed,
+      and got dad in, and I went downstairs to see a doctor, and then I came
+      back and told him the doctor said if the prickly sensation went to his
+      feet he was in no danger from smallpox, as it was an evidence that an old
+      vaccination of years ago had got in its work and knocked the disease out
+      of his system lengthwise, and when I told dad that he raised up in bed and
+      said he was saved, for ever since I went out of the room he had felt that
+      same dreaded prickling at work on his feet, and he was all right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told dad it was a narrow escape and that it ought to be a warning to
+      him. Dad has to wear a dress suit to dinner here and cough up money every
+      time he turns around, 'cause I have told the bell boys dad is a bonanza
+      copper king, and they are not doing a thing to dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, I guess I am doing just as the doctors at home ordered, in keeping
+      dad's mind occupied.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, so long, old man, I have got to go to dinner with dad, and I am
+      going to order the dinner myself, dad said I could, and if I don't put him
+      into bankruptcy, you don't know your little
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria&mdash;
+     The Bad Boy Orders Dinner&mdash;The Old Man Gets Stuck&mdash;Tries to
+     Rescue a Countess in Distress.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Waldorf-Astoria, New York.&mdash;Dear Uncle Ezra: We are still at this
+      tavern, but we don't do anything but sleep here, and stay around in the
+      lobby evenings to let people look at us, and dad wears that old
+      swallow-tail coat he had before the war, but he has got a new silk hat,
+      since we got here; one of these shiny ones that is so slick it makes his
+      clothes look offul bum. We about went broke on the first supper we had, or
+      dinner they call it here. You see, dad thought this was about a
+      three-dollar-a-day house, and that the meals were included, like they do
+      at Oshkosh, and so when we went down to dinner dad said we wouldn't do a
+      thing to old Astor. He let me order the dinner, but told me to order
+      everything on the bill-of-sale, because we wanted to get the worth of our
+      three dollars a day. Well, honest, I couldn't order all there was, 'cause
+      you couldn't have got it all on a billiard table. Say, that list they gave
+      me had everything on it that was ever et or drunk, but I told dad they
+      would fire us out if we ordered the whole prescription, so all I ordered
+      was terrapin, canvasback duck, oysters, clams, crabs, a lot of new kinds
+      of fish, and some beef and mutton, and turkey, and woodcock, and
+      partridge, and quail, and English pheasant, and lobster and salads and
+      ices, and pie and things, just to stay our stomachs, and when it came to
+      wine, dad weakened, because he didn't want to set a bad example to me, so
+      he ordered hard cider for hisself and asked me if I wanted anything to
+      drink, and I ordered brown pop. You'd a been tickled to see the waiter
+      when he took that order, 'cause I don't s'pose anybody ever ordered cider
+      and brown pop there since Astor skinned muskrats for a living, when he was
+      a trapper up north. Gosh, but when they brought that dinner in, you ought
+      to have seen the sensation it created. Most of the people in the great
+      dining hall looked at dad as though he was a Crases, or a Rockefeller, and
+      the head waiter bowed low to dad, and dad thought it was Astor, and dad
+      looked dignified and hurt at being spoken to by a common tavern keeper.
+      Well, we et and et, but we couldn't get away with hardly any of it, and
+      dad wanted to wrap some of the duck and lobsters and things in a newspaper
+      and take it to the room for a lunch, but the waiter wouldn't have it. But
+      the cyclone struck the house when dad and I got up to go out of the
+      dining-room, and the waiter brought dad the check.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/063.jpg" alt="The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What is this?&rdquo; said dad, as he put on his glasses and looked at the check
+      which was $43 and over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dinner check, sir,&rdquo; said the waiter, as he straightened back and held out
+      his hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, ain't this house run on the American plan?&rdquo; said dad, as his chin
+      began to tremble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, sir, on the Irish plan,&rdquo; said the waiter. &ldquo;You pays for what you
+      horders,&rdquo; and dad began to dig up. He looked at me as though I was to
+      blame, when he told me to order all there was in sight. Well, I have
+      witnessed heart-rending scenes, but I never saw anything that would draw
+      tears like dad digging down for that $43. The doctors at home had ordered
+      excitement for dad, but this seemed to be an overdose, and I was afraid he
+      would collapse and I offered him my glass of brown pop to stimulate him,
+      but he told me I could go plumb, and if I spoke to him again he would maul
+      me. He got his roll half out of his pistol pocket, and then talked loud
+      and said it was a damoutridge, and he wanted to see Astor himself before
+      he would allow himself to be held up by highwaymen, and then all the other
+      diners stood up and looked at dad, and a lot of waiters and bouncers
+      surrounded him, and then he pulled out the roll, and it was pitiful to see
+      him wet his trembling thumb on his trembling dry tongue and begin to peel
+      off the bills, like you peel the layers off an onion, but he got off
+      enough to pay for the dinner, gave the waiter half a dollar, and smiled a
+      sickly smile at the head waiter, and I led him out of the dining-room a
+      broken-down old man. As we got to the lobby, where the horse show of
+      dress-suit chappies was beginning the evening procession, I said to dad:
+      &ldquo;Next time we will dine out, I guess,&rdquo; and at that he rallied and seemed
+      to be able to take a joke, for he said: &ldquo;We dined out this time. We dined
+      out $43,&rdquo; and then we joined the procession of walkers around, and tried
+      to look prosperous, and after awhile dad called a bell boy, and asked him
+      if there wasn't a good dairy lunch counter near the Waldorf, where a man
+      could go and get a bowl of bread and milk, and the bell boy gave him the
+      address of a dairy lunch place, and I can see my finish, 'cause from this
+      out we will probably live on bread and milk while we are here, and I hate
+      bread and milk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It got all around the hotel, about the expensive dinner dad ordered for
+      himself and the little heir to his estate, and everybody wanted to get
+      acquainted with dad and try to get some stock in his copper mine. I had
+      told dad about my telling the boys he was a bonanza copper miner, and he
+      never batted an eye when they asked him about his mine, and he looked the
+      part.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/067.jpg" alt="One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One man wanted dad to cash a check, 'cause the bank was closed, and he was
+      a rich-looking duke, and dad was just going to get his roll out and peel
+      off some more onion, when I said: &ldquo;Not on your tintype, Mr. Duke,&rdquo; and dad
+      left his roll in his pocket, and the duke gave me a look as though he
+      wanted to choke me, and went away, saying: &ldquo;There is Mr. Pierpont Morgan,
+      and I can get him to cash it.&rdquo; I saved dad over a hundred dollars on that
+      scheme, and so we are making money every minute. We went to our room
+      early, so dad could digest his $43 worth of glad food.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but this house got ripped up the back before morning. You remember I
+      told you about a countess, or a duchess, or some kind of high-up female
+      that had a room next to our room. Well, she is a beaut, from Butte, Mont.,
+      or Cuba, or somewhere, for she acts like a queen that has just stepped off
+      her throne for a good time. She has got a French maid that is a
+      peacharino. You know that horse chestnut, with the prickers on, that I put
+      in dad's pants at Washington. Well, I have still got it, and as it gets
+      dry the prickers are sharper than needles, sharper even than a servant's
+      tooth, as it says in the good book. I thought I would give dad a run for
+      his money, 'cause exercise and excitement are good for a man that dined
+      heartily on $43 worth of rich food, so when we went to our room I told dad
+      that I was satisfied from what a bell boy told me that the countess in the
+      next room, who had gold cords over her shoulders for suspenders, was stuck
+      on him, because she was always inquiring who the lovely old gentleman was
+      with the sweet little boy. Dad he got so interested that he forgot to cuss
+      me about ordering that dinner, and he said he had noticed her, and would
+      like real well to get acquainted with her, 'cause a man far away from
+      home, sick as a dog, with no loving wife to look after him, needed
+      cheerful company. So I told him I had it all arranged for him to meet her,
+      and then I went out in the hall, sort of whistling around, and the French
+      maid came out and broke some English for me, and we got real chummy,
+      'cause she was anxious to learn English, and I wanted to learn some French
+      words; so she invited me into the room, and we sat on the sofa and
+      exchanged words quite awhile, until she was called to the telephone in the
+      other room. Say, you ought to have seen me. I jumped up and put my hand
+      inside the sheets of the bed, and put that chestnut in there, right about
+      the middle of the bed, and then, after learning French quite a spell, with
+      the maid, we heard the countess getting off' the elevator, and the maid
+      said I must skip, 'cause it was the countess' bed-time, and I went back
+      and told dad the whole thing was arranged for him to meet the countess, in
+      a half an hour or so, as she had to write a few letters to some kings and
+      dukes, and when she gave a little scream; as though she was practicing her
+      voice on an opera, or something, dad was to go and rap at the door. Gosh,
+      but I was sorry for dad, for he was so nervous and anxious for the half
+      hour to expire that he walked up and down the room, and looked at himself
+      in the mirror, and acted like he had indigestion. I had told the maid that
+      she and the countess must feel perfectly safe, if anything ever happened,
+      'cause my dad was the bravest man in the world, and he would rush to the
+      rescue of the countess, if a burglar got in in the night, or the water
+      pipes busted, or anything, and all she had to do was to screech twice and
+      dad would be on deck, and she must open the door quicker-n scat, and she
+      thanked me, and said she would, and for me to come, too. Say, on the dead,
+      wasn't that a plot for an amateur to cook up? Well, sir, we had to wait so
+      long for the countess to get on the horse chestnut that I got nervous
+      myself, but after awhile there came a scream that would raise your hair,
+      and I told dad the countess was singing the opera. Dad said: &ldquo;Hennery,
+      that ain't no opera, that's tragedy,&rdquo; but she gave two or three more
+      stanzas, and I told dad he better hustle, and we went out in the hall and
+      rapped at the door of the countess' room, and the maid opened it, and told
+      us to send for a doctor and a policeman, 'cause the countess was having a
+      fit. Well, say, that was the worst ever. The countess had jumped out of
+      bed, and was pulling the lace curtains around her, but dad thought she was
+      crazy, and was going to jump out of the window, and he made a grab for
+      her, and he shouted to her to &ldquo;be cam, be cam, poor woman, and I will
+      rescue you.&rdquo; I tried to pacify the maid the best I knew how, and dad was
+      getting the countess calmer, but she evidently thought he was an assassin,
+      for every little while she would yell for help, and then the night
+      watchman came in with a house policeman, and one of them choked dad off,
+      and they asked the countess what the trouble was, and she said she had
+      just retired when she was stabbed about a hundred times in the small of
+      the back with a poniard, and she knew conspirators were assassinating her,
+      and she screamed, and this old bandit, meaning dad, came in, and the
+      little monkey, meaning me, had held his hand over her maid's mouth, so she
+      could not make any outcry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/071.jpg"
+       alt="Night Watchman Came in With a House Policeman 071 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, I got my horse chestnut all right, out of the bed, and the policeman
+      told the countess not to be alarmed, and go back to bed, and they took dad
+      and I to our room, and asked us all about it. Gee, but dad put up a story
+      about hearing a woman scream in the next room, and, thinking only of the
+      duty of a gentleman under the circumstances, rushed to her rescue, and all
+      there was to it was that she must have had a nightmare, but he said if he
+      had it to do over again, he would do the same. Anyway, the policeman
+      believed dad, and they went off and left us, and we went to bed, but dad
+      said: &ldquo;Hennery, you understand, I don't want to make any more female
+      acquaintances, see, among the crowned heads, and from this out we mingle
+      only with men. The idea of me going into a woman's room and finding a
+      Floradora with fits and tantrums, and me, a sick man. Now, don't write to
+      your ma about this, 'cause she never did have much confidence in me,
+      around women with fits.&rdquo; So, Uncle Ezra, you must not let this get into
+      the papers, see?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we have bought our tickets for Liverpool, and shall sail to-morrow,
+      and while you are making up your cash account Saturday night, we shall be
+      on the ocean. I s'pose I will write you on the boat, if they will tie it
+      up somewhere so it will stand level. Your dear boy. Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages&mdash;
+     His Dad Has an Argument Over a Steamer Chair.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      On Board the Lucinia, Mid-ocean.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Old Geezer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I take the first opportunity, since leaving New York, to write you, 'cause
+      the boat, after three days out, has got settled down so it runs level, and
+      I can write without wrapping my legs around the table legs, to hold me
+      down. I have tried a dozen times to write, but the sea was so rough that
+      part of the time the table was on top of me and part of the time I was on
+      top, and I was so sick I seem to have lost my mind, over the rail, with
+      the other things supposed to be inside of me. O, old man, you think you
+      know what seasickness is, 'cause you told me once about crossing Lake
+      Michigan on a peach boat, but lake sickness is easy compared with the
+      ocean malady. I could enjoy common seasickness and think it was a picnic,
+      but this salt water sickness takes the cake. I am sorry for dad, because
+      he holds more than I do, and he is so slow about giving up meals that he
+      has paid for, that it takes him longer to commune with nature, and he
+      groans so, and swears some.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/074.jpg"
+       alt="I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More Than I Do 074 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I don't see how a person can swear when he is seasick on the ocean, with
+      no sure thing that he will ever see land again, and a good prospect of
+      going to the bottom, where you got to die in the arms of a devil fish,
+      with a shark biting pieces out of your tender loin and a smoked halibut
+      waiting around for his share of your corpse, and whales blowing syphons of
+      water and kicking because they are so big that they can't get at you to
+      chew cuds of human gum, and porpoises combing your damp hair with their
+      fine tooth comb fins, and sword fish and sawtooth piscatorial carpenters
+      sawing off steaks. Gee, but it makes me crawl. I once saw a dead dog in
+      the river, with bull heads and dog-fish ripping him up the back, and I
+      keep thinking I had rather be that dog, in a nice river at home, with
+      bullheads that I knew chewing me at their leisure, than to be a dead boy
+      miles down in the ocean, with strange fish and sea serpents quarreling
+      over the tender pieces in me. A man told me that if you smoke cigarets and
+      get saturated with nickoteen, and you are drownded, the fish will smell of
+      you, and turn up their noses and go away and leave your remains, so I
+      tried a cigaret, and, gosh, but I had rather be et by fish than smoke
+      another, on an ocean steamer. It only added to my sickness, and I had
+      enough before. I prayed some, when the boat stood on its head and piled us
+      all up in the front end, but a chair struck me on the place where
+      Fitzsimmons hit Corbett, and knocked the prayer all out of me, and when
+      the boat stood on her butt end and we all slid back the whole length of
+      the cabin, and I brought up under the piano, I tried to sing a hymn, such
+      as I used to in the 'Piscopal choir, before my voice changed, but the
+      passengers who were alive yelled for some one to choke me, and I didn't
+      sing any more. Dad was in the stateroom when we were rolling back and
+      forth in the cabin, and between sicknesses he came out to catch me and
+      take me into the stateroom, but he got the rolling habit, too, and he
+      rolled a match with an actress who was voyaging for her health, and they
+      got offully mixed up. He tried to rescue her, and grabbed hold of her belt
+      and was reeling her in all right, when a man who said he was her husband
+      took dad by the neck and said he must keep his hands off or get another
+      nose put on beside the one he had, and then they all rolled under a sofa,
+      and how it came out I don't know, but the next morning dad's eye was
+      blacked, and the fellow who said he was her husband had his front teeth
+      knocked out, and the actress lost her back hair and had to wear a silk
+      handkerchief tied around her head the rest of the trip, and she looked
+      like a hired girl who has been out to a saloon dance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The trouble with dad is that he butts in too much. He thinks he is the
+      whole thing and thinks every crowd he sees is a demonstration for him.
+      When the steamer left New York, there were hundreds of people on the dock
+      to see friends off, and they had flowers to present to Unfriends, and dad
+      thought they were all for him, and he reached for every bunch of roses
+      that was brought aboard, and was going to return thanks for them, when
+      they were jerked away from him, and he looked hurt. When the gang plank
+      was pulled in, and the boat began to wheeze, and grunt, and move away from
+      the dock, and dad saw the crowd waving handkerchiefs and laughing, and
+      saying <i>bon voyage</i>, he thought they were doing it all for him, and
+      he started in to make a speech, thanking his fellow countrymen for coming
+      to see him off, and promising them that he would prove a true
+      representative of his beloved country in his travels abroad, and that he
+      would be true to the stars and stripes wherever fortune might place him,
+      and all that rot, when the boat got so far away they could not hear him,
+      and then he came off his perch, and said, &ldquo;Hennery, that little impromptu
+      demonstration to your father, on the eve of his departure from his native
+      land, perhaps never to return, ought to be a deep and lasting lesson to
+      you, and to show you that the estimation in which I am held by our people,
+      is worth millions to you, and you can point with pride to your father.&rdquo; I
+      said &ldquo;rats&rdquo; and dad said he wouldn't wonder if the boat was full of rats,
+      and then we stood on deck, and watched the objects of interest down the
+      bay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/078.jpg"
+       alt="A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen 078 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      As we passed the statue of Liberty, which France gave to the republic, on
+      Bedloe's Island, dad started to make a speech to the passengers, but one
+      of the officers of the boat told dad this was no democratic caucus, and
+      that choked him off, but he was loaded for a speech, and I knew it was
+      only a matter of time when he would have to fire it off, but I thought
+      when we got outside the bar, into the ocean, his speech would come up with
+      the rest of the stuff, and I guess it did, for after he began to be sea
+      sick he had to keep his mouth shut, which was a great relief to me, for I
+      felt that he would say something that would get this country in trouble
+      with other nations, as there were lots of foreigners on board. I heard
+      that J. Pierpont Morgan was on board, and I told everybody I got in
+      conversation with that dad was Pierpont Morgan, and when people began to
+      call him Mr. Morgan, I told dad the passengers thought he was Morgan; the
+      great financier, and it tickled dad, and he never denied it. Anyway, the
+      captain put dad and I at his own table, and he called me &ldquo;Little Pierp,&rdquo;
+       and everybody discussed great financial questions with dad, and everything
+      would have been lovely the whole trip, only Morgan came amongst us after
+      he had been sea sick for three days, and they gave him a seat opposite us,
+      and with two Morgans at the same table it was a good deal like two Uncle
+      Tom's in an Uncle Tom's Cabin show, so dad had to stay in his stateroom on
+      account of sickness, a good deal. Then dad got to walking on deck and
+      flirting with the female passengers. Say, did you ever see an old man who
+      was stuck on hisself, and thought that every woman who looked at him, from
+      curiosity, or because he had a wart on his neck, and watch him get busy
+      making 'em believe he is a young and kitteny thing, who is irresistible?
+      Gee, but it makes me tired. No man can mash, and make eyes, and have a
+      love scene, when he has to go to the rail every few minutes and hump
+      hisself with something in him that is knocking at the door of his palate,
+      to come out the same way it went in. Dad found a widow woman who looked
+      back at him kind of sassy, when he braced up to her, and when the ship
+      rolled and side-stepped, he took hold of her arm to steady her, and she
+      said maybe they better sit down on deck and talk it over, so dad found a
+      couple of steamer chairs that were not in use, and they sat down near
+      together, and dad took hold of her hand to see if she was nervous, and he
+      told me I could go any play mumbletypeg in the cabin, and I went in the
+      cabin and looked out of the window at dad and the widow. Say, you wouldn't
+      think two chairs could get so close, and dad was sure love sick, and so
+      was she. The difference between love sick and sea sick is that in love
+      sick you look red in the face and snuggle up, and squeeze hands, and look
+      fondly, and swallow your emotion, and try to wait patiently until it is
+      dark enough so the spectators won't notice anything, and in sea sickness
+      you get pale in the face, and spread apart, and let go of hands, and after
+      you have stood it as long as you can you rush to the rail and act as
+      though you were going to jump overboard, and then stop sudden and
+      let-'er-go-gallagher, right before folks, and after it is over you try to
+      look as though you had enjoyed it. I will say this much for dad, he and
+      the widow never played a duet over the rail, but they took turns, and dad
+      held her as tenderly as though they were engaged, and when he got her back
+      to the steamer chair he stroked her face and put camphor to her nose, and
+      acted like an undertaker that wasn't going to let the remains get away
+      from him. They were having a nice convalescent time, just afore it broke
+      up, and hadn't either of them been sick for ten minutes, and dad had put
+      his arm around her shoulders, and was talking cunning to her, and she was
+      looking lovingly into dad's eyes, and they were talking of meeting again
+      in France in a few weeks, where she was going to rent a villa, and dad was
+      saying he would be there with both feet, when I opened the window and
+      said, &ldquo;The steward is bringing around a lunch, and I have ordered two
+      boiled pork sandwiches for you two easy marks.&rdquo; Well, you'd a dide to see
+      'em jump. What there is about the idea of fat pork that makes people who
+      are sea sick have a relapse, I don't know, but the woman grabbed her
+      stum-mix in both hands and left dad and rushed into the cabin yelling
+      &ldquo;enough,&rdquo; or something like that, and dad laid right back in the chair and
+      blatted like a calf, and said he would kill me dead when we got ashore.
+      Just then an Englishman came along and told dad he better get up out of
+      his chair, and dad said whose chair you talking about, and the man said
+      the chair was his, and if dad didn't get out of it, he would kick him in
+      the pants, and dad said he hadn't had a good chance at an Englishman since
+      the Revolutionary war, and he just wanted a chance to clean up enough
+      Englishmen for a mess, and dad got up and stood at &ldquo;attention,&rdquo; and the
+      Englishman squared off like a prize fighter, and they were just going to
+      fight the battle of Bunker Hill over again, when I run up to an officer
+      with gold lace on his coat and lemon pie on his whiskers, and told him an
+      old crazy Yankee out on deck was going to murder a poor sea sick
+      Englishman, and the officer rushed out and took dad by the coat collar and
+      made him quit, and when he found what the quarrel was about, he told dad
+      all the chairs were private property belonging to the passengers, and for
+      him to keep out of them, and he apologized to the Englishman and they went
+      into the saloon and settled it with high balls, and dad beat the
+      Englishman by drinking two high balls to his one. Then dad set into a
+      poker game, with ten cents ante, and no limit, and they played along for a
+      while until dad got four jacks, and he bet five dollars, and a Frenchman
+      raised him five thousand dollars, and dad laid down his hand and said the
+      game was too rich for his blood, and when he reached in his vest pocket
+      for money to pay for his poker chips he found that his roll was gone, and
+      he said he would leave his watch for security until he could go to his
+      state room and get some money, and then he found that his watch had been
+      pinched, and the Englishman said he would be good for it, and dad came out
+      in the cabin and wanted me to help him find the widow, cause he said when
+      she laid her head on his shoulder, to recover from her sickness, he felt a
+      fumbling around his vest, but he thought it was nothing but his stomach
+      wiggling to get ready for another engagement, but now he knew she had
+      robbed him. Say, dad and I looked all over that boat for the widow, but
+      she simply had evaporated. But land is in sight, and we shall land at
+      Liverpool this afternoon, and dad is going to lay for the widow at the
+      gang plank, and he won't do a thing to her. I guess not. Well, you will
+      hear from me in London next, and I'll tell you if dad got his money and
+      watch back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog&mdash;Call on Astor&mdash;A Dynamite
+     Outrage.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, England.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Old Man:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, if a court sentenced me to live in this town, I would appeal
+      the case, and ask the judge to temper his sentence with mercy, and hang
+      me. Say, the fog here is so thick you have to feel around like a blind
+      goddess, and when you show up through the fog you look about eighteen feet
+      high, and you are so wet you want to be run through a clothes wringer
+      every little while. For two days we never left the hotel, but looked out
+      of the windows waiting for the fog to go by, and watching the people swim
+      through it, without turning a hair. Dad was for going right to the Lord
+      Mayor and lodging a complaint, and demanding that the fog be cleared off,
+      so an American citizen could go about town and blow in his money, but I
+      told him he could be arrested for treason. He come mighty near being
+      arrested on the cars from Liverpool to London. When we got off the steamer
+      and tried to find the widow who robbed dad of his watch and roll of money,
+      but never found her, we were about the last passengers to reach the train,
+      and when we got ready to get on we found these English cars that open on
+      the sides, and they put you into a box stall with some other live stock,
+      and lock you in, and once in a while a guard opens the door to see if you
+      are dead from suffocation, or have been murdered by the other passengers.
+      Dad kicked on going in one of the kennels the first thing, and said he
+      wanted a parlor car; but the guard took dad by the pants and gave him a
+      shove, and tossed me in on top of dad, and two other passengers and a
+      woman in the compartment snickered, and dad wanted to fight all of 'em
+      except the woman, but he concluded to mash her. When the door closed clad
+      told the guard he would walk on his neck when the door opened, and that he
+      was not an entry in a dog show, and he wanted a kennel all to himself, and
+      asked for dog biscuit. Gee, but that guard was mad, and he gave dad a look
+      that started the train going. I whispered to dad to get out his revolver,
+      because the other passengers looked like hold up men, and he took his
+      revolver out of his satchel and put it in his pistol pocket, and looked
+      fierce, and the woman began to act faint, while the passengers seemed to
+      be preparing to jump on dad if he got violent. When the train stopped at
+      the first station I got out and told the guard that the old gentleman in
+      there was from Helena, Montana, and that he had a reputation from St. Paul
+      to Portland, and then I held up both hands the way train robbers make
+      passengers hold up their hands. When I went back in the car dad was
+      talking to the woman about her resembling a woman he used to know in the
+      states, and he was just going to ask her how long she had been so
+      beautiful, when the guard came to the side door and called the woman out
+      into another stall, and then one of the passengers pulled out a pair of
+      handcuffs and told dad he might as well surrender, because he was a
+      Scotland yard detective and had spotted dad as an American embezzler, and
+      if he drew that gun he had in his pocket there would be a dead Yankee in
+      about four minutes. Well, I thought dad had nerve before, but he beat the
+      band, right there. He unbuttoned his overcoat and put his finger on a
+      Grand Army button in his buttonhole, and said, &ldquo;Gentlemen, I am an
+      American citizen, visiting the crowned heads of the old world, with
+      credentials from the President of the United States, and day after
+      tomorrow I have a date to meet your king, on official business that means
+      much to the future peace of our respective countries. Lay a hand on me and
+      you hang from the yard arm of an American battleship.&rdquo; Well, sir, I have
+      seen a good many bluffs in my time, but I never saw the equal of that, for
+      the detective turned white, and apologized, and asked dad and I out to
+      luncheon at the next station, and we went and ate all there was, and when
+      the time was up the detective disappeared and dad had to pay for the
+      luncheon, but he kicked all the way to London, and the guard would not
+      listen to his complaints, but told him if he tried to hold up the train he
+      would be thrown out the window and run over by the train. We had the
+      compartment to ourselves the rest of the way to London, except about an
+      hour, when the guard shoved in a farmer who smelled like cows, and dad
+      tried to get in a quarrel with him, about English roast beef coming from
+      America, but the man didn't have his arguing clothes on, so dad began to
+      find fault with me, and the man told dad to let up on the kid or he would
+      punch his bloody 'ed off. That settled it, when the man dropped his &ldquo;h,&rdquo;
+       dad thought he was one of the nobility, and he got quite chummy with the
+      Englishman, and then we got to London, and dad had a quarrel about his
+      baggage, and after threatening to have a lot of fights he got his trunk on
+      the roof of a cab, and in about an hour we got to the hotel, and then the
+      fog began an engagement. If the fog here ever froze stiff, the town would
+      look like a piece of ice with fish frozen in. Gee, but I would like to
+      have it freeze in front of our hotel, so I could take an ax and go out and
+      chop a frozen girl out, and thaw her till she came to.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, old man, if anybody ever wants to treat you to a trip to Europe,
+      don't come here, but go to some place where they don't think they can
+      speak English. You can understand a Nitalian or a Frenchman, or a
+      Dutchman, who can't speak English, and knows he can't, better than you can
+      an Englishman who thinks he can speak English, and can't, &ldquo;don't you
+      know.&rdquo; Everything is &ldquo;don't you know.&rdquo; If a servant gives you an evening
+      paper, he says, &ldquo;'Ere's your paiper, don't you know,&rdquo; and if a man should&mdash;I
+      don't say they would, but if a man <i>should</i> give you a civil answer,
+      when you asked him the name of a street, he would look at you as though
+      you were a cannibal, and say, &ldquo;Regent street, don't you know,&rdquo; and then he
+      would act as though you had broken him of his rest. Dad asked more than a
+      dozen men where Bill Astor lived, and of all the population of London I
+      don't believe anybody knows, except one newsboy. We rode half a day on top
+      of a bus, through streets so crowded that the horses had to creep, and dad
+      hung on for fear the bus would be tipped over, and finally we got out into
+      the suburbs, where the rich people live, and dad said we were right on the
+      trail of King Edward, and we got off and loitered around, and dad saw a
+      beautiful place, with a big iron fence, and a gate as big as a railroad
+      bridge, and dad asked a newsboy who lived there, and the boy made up a
+      face at dad and said, &ldquo;H'astor, you bloke,&rdquo; and he put out his hand for a
+      tip. It was the first civil answer dad had received in London, so he gave
+      the boy a dollar. The boy fell over on the sidewalk, dead, and dad started
+      to go away for fear he would be arrested for murder, but I kicked the boy
+      on the pants, and he got up and yelled some kind of murdered English, and
+      more than a dozen newsboys came on a gallop, and when the boy told them
+      what had happened they all wanted dad to ask them questions. I told the
+      boys dad was Andrew Carnegie, and that he was giving away millions of
+      dollars, so when dad got to the gate of the beautiful H'astor place, the
+      boys yelled Andrew Carnegie, and a flunkey flunked the gate open and dad
+      and I went in, and walked up to the house. Astor was on the veranda,
+      smoking a Missouri corn cob pipe, and drinking American beer, and seemed
+      to be wishing he was back home in America. Dad marched right up to the
+      veranda, like a veteran soldier, and Astor could see dad was an American
+      by the dandruff on his coat collar, and Astor said, &ldquo;You are an American
+      citizen and you are welcome. Once I was like you, and didn't care a
+      continental dam for anybody, but in a moment of passion I renounced my
+      country, swore allegiance to this blawsted country, and everybody hates me
+      here, and I don't dare go home to collect my rent for fear I will be
+      quarantined at Ellis Island and sent back to England as an undesirable
+      emigrant who has committed a crime, and is not welcome in the land where I
+      was born. Old man, have a glass of Milwaukee beer and let's talk of your
+      home and my birthplace, and forget that there is such a country as
+      England.&rdquo; Dad sat down on the porch, and I went out on the lawn chasing
+      peacocks and treeing guinea hens, and setting dogs on the swans, until a
+      butler or a duke or something took me by the collar and shook me till my
+      teeth got loose, and he took me back to the veranda and sat me down on the
+      bottom step so hard my hair raised right up stiff, like a porcupine. Then
+      I listened to dad and Astor talk about America, and I never saw a man who
+      seemed to be so ashamed that he was a brevet Englishman, as he did. He
+      said he had so much money that it made his headache to hear the interest
+      accumulate, nights, when he couldn't sleep, and yet he had no more
+      enjoyment than Dreyfus did on Devil's Island. He had automobiles that
+      would fill our exposition building, horses and carriages by the score, but
+      he never enjoyed a ride about London, because only one person in ten
+      thousand knew him, and those who did looked upon him with pity and
+      contempt because he had renounced his country to get solid with the
+      English aristocracy, and nobody would speak to him unless they wanted to
+      borrow money, and if they did borrow money from him he was afraid they
+      would pay it back, and make him trouble counting it. He told dad he wanted
+      to get back into America, and become a citizen again of that grand old
+      country of the stars and stripes, and asked dad how he could do it, for he
+      said he had rather work in a slaughter house in America than be a grand
+      duke in England. I never saw dad look so sorry for a man as he did for
+      Astor, and he told him the only way was to sell out his ranch in London
+      and go back on an emigrant ship, take out his first papers, vote the
+      democratic ticket and eventually become a citizen. Astor was thinking over
+      the proposition, and dad had asked him if he was not afraid of dynamiters,
+      when he shuddered and said every day he expected to be blown sky high, and
+      finally he smelled something burning and said the smell reminded him of an
+      American 4th of July. You see, I had been sitting still on the step of the
+      veranda so long I got nervous, for something exciting, so I took a giant
+      firecracker out of my pocket and lit the long tail, and shoved it under
+      the porch and looked innocent, and just then one of the flunkies with the
+      tightest pants you ever saw came along and patted me on the head and said
+      I was a nice boy, and that made me mad, and when he went to sit down
+      beside me on the step I took my horse chestnut out of my pocket and put it
+      on the step just where he sat down, and how it happened to come out so I
+      don't know, it must have been Providence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/094.jpg" alt="Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      You see just as the flunkey flunked on the chestnut burr, the fire cracker
+      went off, and the man jumped up and said '&ldquo;Ells-fire, h'am blowed,&rdquo; and he
+      had his hands on his pants, and the air was full of smoke, and dad got on
+      his knees and said, &ldquo;Now I lay me,&rdquo; and Mr. Astor fainted all over a
+      rocking chair and tipped beer bottles on the veranda and more than forty
+      servants came, and I told dad to come on, and we got outside the gate,
+      ahead of the police, and got a cab and drove quicker than scat to the
+      hotel, and I ast dad what he thought it was that went off, and he said
+      &ldquo;You can search me,&rdquo; but he said he had got enough of trying to reform
+      escaped Americans, and we got in the hotel and laid low, and the
+      newspapers told about a dynamite outrage, and laid it to anarchists. Well
+      I must close, cause we are going to see the American minister and get a
+      date to meet King' Edward. We won't do a thing to Edward.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the
+     Whitechapel District&mdash;He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower
+     of London.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, England.&mdash;My Dear Chum: I received your letter yesterday, and
+      it made me homesick. Gee, but if I could be home there with you and go
+      down to the swimming hole and get in all over, and play tag in the sand,
+      and tie some boy's pants and shirt in knots, and yell that the police are
+      coming, and all grab our clothes under our arms and run across lots with
+      no clothes on, and get in a barn and put on our clothes, and dry our hair
+      by pounding it with a stick, so we would not get licked when we got home,
+      life would be worth living, but here all I do is to dodge people on the
+      streets and see them look cross when they step on me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, boy, you will never know your luck in being a citizen of good old
+      America, instead of a subject of Great Britain, because you have got to be
+      rich or be hungry here, and if you are too rich you have got no appetite.
+      You have heard of the roast beef of old England, but nobody eats it but
+      the dukes and bankers. The working men never even saw a picture of a roast
+      beef, and yet we look upon all Englishmen as beef-eaters, but
+      three-fourths of the people in this town look hungry and discouraged, and
+      they never seem to know whether they are going to have any supper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went down to a market this morning where the middle class and the very
+      poor people buy their supplies, and it would make you sick to see them.
+      They buy small loaves of bread and a penny's worth of tea, and that is
+      breakfast, and if a man is working he takes some of the bread to work for
+      lunch, and the wife or mother buys a carrot or a quarter of a cabbage, and
+      maybe a bone with a piece of meat about as big as a fish bait, and that
+      makes supper, with a growler of beer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, the chunk of meat with a bone that an American butcher would throw at
+      a dog that he had never been introduced to would be a banquet for a large
+      family over here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have been down into the White Chapel district, which is the Five Points
+      of London, and of the thousands of tough people I saw there was not a man
+      but looked as though he would cut your liver out for a shilling, and every
+      woman was drunk on gin. What there is about gin that makes it the national
+      beverage for bad people beats me, for it looks like water, tastes like
+      medicine and smells like cold storage eggs. At home when a person takes a
+      drink of beer or whisky he at least looks happy for a minute, and maybe he
+      laughs, but here nobody laughs unless somebody gets hurt, and that seems
+      to tickle everybody in the White Chapel district.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The people look mad and savage when they are not drinking, as though they
+      were only looking for an opportunity to commit murder, and then when they
+      take a drink of gin, instead of smiling and smacking their lips as though
+      it was good and braced them up, they look as though they had been stabbed
+      with a dirk and they put on a look of revenge, as though they would like
+      to wring a child's neck or cut holes in the people they meet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two drinks of gin makes a man or woman look as though they had swallowed a
+      buzz saw. I always thought drinking liquor made people think they were
+      enjoying themselves, or that they took it to drive away care and make them
+      forget their sorrows, but when these people drink gin they seem to do it
+      the way an American drinks carbolic acid, to end the whole business quick.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At home the drinker drinks to make him feel like he was at a picnic. Here
+      every drinker acts like a suicide, who only hopes that he may commit a
+      murder before the gin ends his career. And there are hundreds of thousands
+      of people in this town who have no ambition except to get a bit of bread
+      to sustain them till they can get a drink of gin, and gradually they let
+      up on bread entirely and feed on gin, and look like mad dogs and snarl at
+      everybody they see, as much as to say: &ldquo;What are you going to do about
+      it?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/101.jpg" alt="Snarl at Everybody They See 101 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A good square American meal would give them a fit, and they would go to a
+      hospital and die if the meal could not be got out of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gosh, but I was glad to get out of the White Chapel district, and I kept
+      looking back for fear one of the men or women would slit me up the back
+      with a butcher knife, and laugh like an insane asylum inmate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do you know, those people who drink gin and go hungry are different from
+      our American murderers. Our murderers will assault you with a smile, rob
+      you with a joke on their tongue's end, and give you back car fare when
+      they hold you up, and if they murder you they will do it easy and lay you
+      out with your hands across on your breast and notify the coroner, but your
+      White Chapel murderer wants to disembowel you and cut you up into chunks,
+      and throw your remains head first into something nasty, and if you have
+      money enough on your person to buy a bottle of gin your murderer is as
+      well satisfied as though he got a roll. Some men in our country commit
+      murders in order to get money to lay away so they can live a nice,
+      respectable life and be good ever afterwards, but your slum murderer in
+      London just kills because his stomach craves a drink, and when he gets it
+      he is tame, like a tiger that has eaten a native of India.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You may think this letter is a solemn occasion because I tell you about
+      things that are not funny, but if you ever traveled abroad you will find
+      that there is no fun anywhere except in America unless you make it or buy
+      it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We are taking in the solemn things first in order to get dad's mind in a
+      condition so he can be cured of things he thinks ail him. I took dad to
+      the Tower of London, and when we got out of it he wanted to have America
+      interfere and have the confounded place burned down and grass sown on the
+      site and a park made of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The tower covers 13 acres of ground, and there are more things brought to
+      a visitor's attention that ought to be forgotten than you ever thought
+      about.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remember attending the theater at home and seeing Richard the Third
+      played, and I remember how my sympathies were aroused for the two little
+      boy princes that were murdered by Richard the Third, but I thought it was
+      a fake play, and that there was nothing true about it, but, by gosh, it
+      was right here in the Tower of London that the old hump-backed cuss
+      murdered those little princes, and dad and I stood right on the spot, and
+      the beef-eater who showed us around told us all the particulars. Dad was
+      indignant, and said to the beef-eater:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/098.jpg"
+       alt="Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those Princes 098 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Do you mean to tell me you stood around and let Richard kill those
+      princes without uttering a protest or protecting them or ringing for the
+      police? By the great hornspoon, you must have been accessory to the fact,
+      and you ought to be arrested and hung,&rdquo; and dad pounded his cane on the
+      stone floor and looked savage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The beef-eater got red in the face and said: &ldquo;Begging your pardon, don't
+      you know, but h'l was not 'ere at the time. This 'istory was made six
+      'undred years ago.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad begged the man's pardon and told him he supposed the boys were
+      murdered a year or two ago, and he gave the beef-eater a dollar, and he
+      was so gratified I think he would have had a murder committed for dad
+      right there and then if dad had insisted on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You feel in going through the tower like you was in an American slaughter
+      house, for it was here that kings and queens were beheaded by the dozen.
+      They showed us axes that were used to behead people, and blocks that the
+      heads of the victims were laid on, and the places where the heads fell on
+      the floor. It seemed that in olden times when a king or a queen got too
+      gay, the anti-kings or queens would go to the palace and catch the king or
+      queen in the act, and take them by the neck and hustle them to the tower,
+      and when a king or queen got in the tower they went out on the installment
+      plan, and after being thrown in the gutter for the mob to recognize, and
+      walk on the bodies, they would bring them back in the tower, and seal them
+      up in a pigeon hole for future generations to cry over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All my life I have had in our house to look at a picture of beautiful Anne
+      Boleyn, and here I stood right where her head was cut off, and I couldn't
+      help thinking of how we in America got our civilization from the
+      descendants of the English people who cut her head off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By ginger, old chum, it made me hot. I didn't care to look at the old
+      armor, or the crown jewels, which make you think of a cut glass factory,
+      but I reveled in the scenes of the beheading. I never was stuck much on
+      kings and queens, but it seems to me if they had to murder them they ought
+      to have given 'em a show, and let them fight for their lives, instead of
+      getting into a trap, like you would entice a rat with cheese, and then cut
+      their heads off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose it is right here that we inherited the desire to lynch and burn
+      at the stake the negroes that commit crime and won't confess at home. When
+      anything is born in the blood you can't get rid of it without taking a
+      dose of patriotism and purifying the blood, and I advise you never to
+      visit the Tower of London, unless you want to feel like going out and
+      killing some one that is tied up with a rope.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hearing of these murders and seeing the place where they were committed
+      does not give you an idea of fair play and you don't feel like taking some
+      one of your size when you fight, but you get to thinking that if you could
+      catch a cripple who couldn't defend himself you would like to take a
+      baseball club and maul the stuffing out of him. You become imbued with the
+      idea that if you went to war you would not want to stand up and fight
+      fair, but that you would like to get your enemy in a bunch and drop
+      dynamite down on him from a balloon, and kill all in sight, and sail away
+      with an insane laugh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but another day in this tower, and I would want to go home and murder
+      ma, or the neighbors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The only thing we have got in America that compares with the Tower of
+      London and its associates is the Leutgert sausage factory in Chicago,
+      where Leutgert got his wife into the factory, murdered her, and is alleged
+      to have cut her up in pieces and made sausage of the meat, given the
+      pieces with gristle in to his dogs, boiled the bones until they would run
+      into the sewer, dissolved the remnants in concentrated lye, and sold the
+      sausage to the lumber Jacks in the pine woods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I expect Chicago will buy that sausage factory and make a show of it, as
+      London does the tower, and you can go and see it, and feel that you are as
+      full of modern history as I am of ancient history, here in London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could see that dad was getting nervous every time a new beheading was
+      described to us, and I thought it was time to wake him up. In going
+      through the room where the old armor was displayed the beef eater told us
+      who wore the different pieces of armor, and he said at times the spirit of
+      the dead came back to the tower and occupied the armor, and I noticed that
+      dad shied at some of the pieces of armor, so when we got right into the
+      midst of it, and there was armor on every side, and dad and the beef eater
+      were ahead of me, and dad was walking fast in order to get out quick, I
+      pushed over one of the pieces, and it went crashing to the floor and the
+      noise was like a boiler factory exploding, and the dust of centuries rose
+      up, and the noise echoed down the halls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, you'd a died to see dad and the beef eater. Dad turned pale and got
+      down on his knees, and I think he began to pray, if he knows how, and he
+      trembled like a leaf, and the beef eater got behind a set of armor that
+      Cromwell or some old duck used to wear, and said, &ldquo;Wot in the bloody 'ell
+      is the matter with the h'armor?&rdquo; and then a lot of other beef eaters came,
+      and they thought dad was the spirit of King John, and they stampeded, and
+      finally I got dad to stop praying, or whatever it was that he was doing,
+      and I led him out, and when he got into the open air he recovered and
+      said. &ldquo;'Ennery, 'hi have got to get out of Lunnon, don't you know, because
+      me 'eart is palpitating,&rdquo; and we went back to the 'otel, to see if our
+      invitation to visit King Hedward had arrived.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/107.jpg" alt="Beefeater's Stampede 107 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, we are getting so we talk just like English coachmen, and you won't
+      hundredstand us when we get 'ome. Yours, with a haccent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'Ennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost
+     Settle the Irish Question.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, H-england.&mdash;Dear Uncle Ezra: The worst is over, and dad and I
+      have both touched a king. Not the way you think, touching a king for a
+      hand-out, or borrowing his loose change, the way you used to touch dad
+      when you had to pay for your goods, but just taking hold of his hand and
+      shaking it in good old United States fashion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The American minister arranged it for us. He told somebody that Peck's Bad
+      Boy and his dad were in town, and just wanted to size up a king and see
+      how he averaged up with United States politicians, and the king set an
+      hour for us to call.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, you'd a dide to see dad fix up. Everybody said, when we showed our
+      card at the hotel, notifying us that we were expected at Marlboro House at
+      such a time, that we would be expected to put on plenty of dog. That is
+      what an American from Kalamazoo, who sells breakfast food, said, and the
+      hotel people said we would be obliged to wear knee breeches and dancing
+      pumps and silk socks, and all that kind of rot, and men's furnishers began
+      to call upon us to take our measure for clothes, but when they told us how
+      much it would cost, dad kicked. He said he had a golf suit he had made in
+      Oshkosh at the time of the tournament, that every one in Oshkosh said was
+      out of sight, and was good enough for any king, and so he rigged up in it,
+      and I hired a suit at a masquerade place, and dad hired a coat, kind of
+      red, to go with his golf pants and socks, and he wore canvas tennis shoes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/111.jpg" alt="Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I looked like a picture out of a fourteenth century book, but dad looked
+      like a clown in a circus. One of dad's calves made him look as though he
+      had a milk leg, cause the padding would not stay around where the calf
+      ought to be, but worked around towards his shin. We went to Marlboro House
+      in a hansom cab, and all the way there the driver kept looking down from
+      the hurricane deck, through the scuttle hole, to see if we were there yet,
+      and he must have talked with other cab drivers in sign language about us,
+      for every driver kept along with us, looked at us and laughed, as though
+      we were a wild west show.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the way to the king's residence it was all I could do to keep dad
+      braced up to go through the ordeal. He was brave enough before we got the
+      invitation, and told what he was going to say to the king, and you would
+      think he wasn't afraid of anybody, but when we got nearer to the house and
+      dad thought of going up to the throne and seeing a king in all his glory,
+      surrounded by his hundreds of lords and dukes and things, a crown on his
+      head, and an ermine cloak trimmed with red velvet, and a six-quart milk
+      pan full of diamonds, some of them as big as a chunk of alum, dad
+      weakened, and wanted to give the whole thing up and go to a matinee, but I
+      wouldn't have it, and told him if he didn't get into the king row now that
+      I would shake him right there in London and start in business as a Claude
+      Duval highwayman and hold up stage coaches, and be hung on Tyburn Tree, as
+      I used to read about in my history of Sixteen-String Jack and other
+      English highwaymen. Dad didn't want to see the family disgraced, so he let
+      the cabman drive on, but he said if we got out of this visit to royalty
+      alive, it was the last tommyrot he would indulge in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, old man, it is like having an operation for appendicitis, you feel
+      better when you come out from under the influence of the chloroform and
+      the doctor shows you what they took out of you, and you feel that you are
+      going to live, unless you grow another vermiform appendix. We were driven
+      into a sort of Central park, and up to a building that was big as a lot of
+      exposition buildings, and the servants took us in charge and walked us
+      through long rooms covered with pictures as big as side show pictures at a
+      circus, but instead of snake charmers and snakes and wild men of Borneo
+      and sword swallowers, the king's pictures were about war, and women
+      without much clothes on from the belt up. Gosh, but some of those pictures
+      made you think you could hear the roar of battle and smell gun powder, and
+      dad acted as though he wanted to git right down on the marble floor and
+      dig a rifle pit big enough to git into.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They walked us around like they do when you are being initiated into a
+      secret society, only they didn't sing, &ldquo;Here comes the Lobster,&rdquo; and hit
+      you with a dried bladder. The servants that were conducting us laffed. I
+      had never seen an Englishman laff before, and it was the most interesting
+      thing I saw in London. Most Englishmen look sorry about something, as
+      though some dear friend died every day, and their faces seem to have grown
+      that way. So when they laff it seems as though the wrinkles would stay
+      there, unless they treated their faces with massage. They were laughing at
+      dad's dislocated calf, and his scared appearance, as though he was going
+      to receive the thirty-second degree, and didn't know whether they were
+      going to throw him over a precipice or pull him up to the roof by the hind
+      legs. We passed a big hall clock, and it struck just when we were near it,
+      and of all the &ldquo;Hark, from the tombs&rdquo; sounds I ever heard, that clock took
+      the cake. Dad thought it sounded like a death knell, and he would have
+      welcomed the turning in of a fire alarm as a sound that meant life
+      everlasting, beside that doleful sound.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After we had marched about three mile heats, and passed the chairs of the
+      noble grand and the senior warden, and the exalted ruler, we came to a
+      bronze door as big as the gate to a cemetery, and the grand conductor gave
+      us a few instructions about how to back out fifteen feet from the presence
+      of the king, when we were dismissed, and then he turned us over to a
+      little man who was a grand chambermaid, I understood the fellow to say.
+      The door opened, and we went in, and dad's misplaced calf was wobbling as
+      though he had locomotor attacks-ye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, there were a dozen or so fellows standing around, and they all had
+      on some kind of uniforms, with gold badges on their breasts, and in the
+      midst of them was a little, sawed-off fat fellow, not taller than five
+      feet six, but a perfect picture of the cigar advertisements of America for
+      a cigar named after the king. I expected to see a king as big as Long John
+      Wentworth of Chicago, a great big fellow that could take a small man by
+      the collar and throw him over a house, and I felt hurt at the small size
+      of the king of Great Britain, but, gosh, he is just like a Yankee, when
+      you get the formality shook off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We bowed and dad made a courtesy like an old woman, and the king came
+      forward with a smile that ought to be imitated by every Englishman. They
+      all imitate his clothes and his hats and his shoes, but he seems to be the
+      only Englishman that smiles. Maybe it is patented, and nobody has a right
+      to smile without paying a royalty, but the good-natured smile of King
+      Edward is worth more than stomach bitters, and the English ought to be
+      allowed to copy it. There is no more solemn thing than a party of
+      Englishmen together in America, unless it is a party of speculators that
+      are short on wheat, or a gathering of defeated politicians when the
+      election returns come in. But the king is as jolly as though he had not a
+      note coming due at the bank, and you would think he was a good, common
+      citizen, after working hours, at a round beer table, with two schooner
+      loads in the hold and another schooner on the way, frothing over the top
+      of the stein. That is the feeling I had for the king when he came up to us
+      and greeted dad as the father of the bad boy and patted me on the shoulder
+      and said: &ldquo;And so you are the boy that has made more trouble than any boy
+      in the world, and had more fun than anybody, and made them all stand
+      around and wonder what was coming next. You're a wonder. Strange the
+      American people never thought of killing you.&rdquo; I said yessir, and tried to
+      look innocent, and then the king told dad to sit down, and for me to come
+      and stand by his knee, and by ginger, when he patted me on the cheek, and
+      his soft hand squeezed my hand, and he looked into my eyes with the most
+      winning expression, I did not wonder that all the women were in love with
+      him, and that all Englishmen would die for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He asked dad all about America, its institutions, the president, and
+      everything, and dad was just so flustered that he couldn't say much, until
+      the king said something about the war between the States, in which the
+      southern states achieved a victory. I don't know whether the king said
+      that just to wake dad up, 'cause dad had a grand army button on his coat,
+      but dad choked up a little, and then began to explode, a little at a time,
+      like a bunch of firecrackers, and finally he went off all in a bunch. Dad
+      said: &ldquo;Look a here, Mr. King, some one has got you all balled up about
+      that war. I know, because I was in it, and now the north and the south are
+      United, and can whip any country that wants to fight a champion, and will
+      go out and get a reputation, by gosh!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The king laughed at touching dad off, and asked dad what was the matter of
+      America and Great Britain getting together and making all nations know
+      when they had better keep their places, and quit talking about fighting.
+      Dad said he never would consent to America and Great Britain getting
+      together to fight any country until Ireland got justice and was ready to
+      come into camp on an equality, and the king said he would answer for the
+      Irishmen of Ireland if dad would pledge the Irishmen of America, 'cause we
+      had about as many Irishmen in America as he had in Ireland, and dad said
+      if the king would give Ireland what she asked for, he would see that the
+      Irishmen in America would sing God Save the King.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0021" id="linkimage-0021">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/115.jpg" alt="Settling the Irish Question 115 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I guess dad and the king would have settled the Irish question in about
+      fifteen minutes, and signed a treaty, only a servant brought in a
+      two-quart bottle of champagne, and dad and the king hadn't drank a quart
+      apiece before dad started to sing &ldquo;My Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of
+      Libertee,&rdquo; and the king sang &ldquo;God Save the King,&rdquo; and, by thunder, it was
+      the same tune, and tears came into dad's eyes, and the king took out his
+      handkerchief and wiped his nose, and I bellered right out, and the king
+      rose and offered a toast to America and everybody in it, and they
+      swallered it, and dad said there was enough juice left in the bottle for
+      one more round, and he proposed a toast to all the people of Great
+      Britain, including the Irish and the king who loved them, and down she
+      went, and they were standing up. And I told dad it was time to go.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0022" id="linkimage-0022">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/119.jpg" alt="God Save the King 119 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, it was great, Uncle Ezra, and I wish you could have been there, and
+      there had been another bottle. The only thing that happened to mar the
+      reunion of dad and the king was when we were going out backwards, bowing.
+      There was a little hassock back of me, and I kicked it back of dad, and
+      when dad's heels struck it he went over backwards and struck on his golf
+      pants, and dad said: &ldquo;El, 'Ennery, I'ave broken my bloomink back, but who
+      cares,&rdquo; and when the servants picked dad up and took him out in the hall
+      and marched us to the entrance, dad got in the cab, gave the grand hailing
+      sign of distress, started to sing God save something or other, and went to
+      sleep in the cab, and I took him to the hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0023" id="linkimage-0023">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/121.jpg" alt="He Went over Backwards 121 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER X.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen&mdash;They
+     Get a Taste of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story
+     of the Picklemaker's Daughter.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, England.&mdash;My Dear Old Skate: Well, if we are going to see any
+      of the other countries on this side of the water before our return ticket
+      expires, we have got to be getting a move on, and dad says in about a week
+      we will be doing stunts in Paris that will bring about a revolution, and
+      wind up the republic of France, and seat some nine-spot on the throne that
+      Napoleon used to wear out his buckskin pants on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad asked me tother day what I cared most to see in London, and I told him
+      I wanted to visit Newgate prison, and the places made famous by the bold
+      highwaymen of a century or two ago. He thought I was daffy, but when I
+      told him how I had read &ldquo;Claude Duval&rdquo; and &ldquo;Six-teen-String Jack&rdquo; and all
+      the highway literature, in the haymow, when dad thought I was weeding the
+      garden, he confessed that he used to hunt those yellow covered books out
+      of the manger when I was not reading them, and that he had read them all
+      himself, when I thought he was studying for his campaign speeches, and so
+      he said he would go with me. So we visited Homestead Heath, where Claude
+      Duval used to ride &ldquo;Black Bess,&rdquo; and hold up people who traveled at night
+      in post chaises, and we found splendid spots where there had been more
+      highway robbery going on than any place east of Missouri, but I was
+      disgusted when I thought what chumps those old highway robbers were,
+      compared to the American highway robbers and hold up men of the present
+      day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Claude Duval's time he had a brace of flintlock pistols, which he had
+      to examine the priming every time a victim showed up, and while he was
+      polite when he robbed a duchess, he used to kill people all right, though
+      if they had had cameras at that time the flash from the priming pan would
+      have taken a flash-light picture of the robber, so he could have been
+      identified when he rode off in the night to a roadside inn and filled up
+      on beer, while he counted the ten shillings he had taken from the silk
+      purse of the victim. Why, one of our American gangs that hold up a train,
+      and get an express safe full of greenbacks, and shoots up a mess of
+      railroad hands and passengers with Winchesters and automatic pistols, and
+      blows up cars with dynamite and gets away and has to have a bookkeeper and
+      a cashier to keep their bank accounts straight, could give those old
+      Claude Duvals and Sixteen-String Jacks cards and spades.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But civilization, dad says, has done much for the highway robbery
+      business, and he says we in America have arrived at absolute perfection.
+      However, I was much interested in looking over the ground where my first
+      heroes lived and died, and did business, and when we went to the prisons
+      where they were confined, and were shown where Tyburn Tree stood, that so
+      many of them were hung on, tears came to my eyes at the thought that I was
+      on the sacred ground where my heroes croaked, and went to their deaths
+      with smiles on their faces, and polite to the last. The guard who showed
+      us around thought that dad and I were relatives of the deceased
+      highwaymen, and when we went away he said to dad: &ldquo;Call again, Mr. Duval.
+      Always glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes. What line of
+      robbery are you in, Mr. Duval?&rdquo; Dad was mad, but he told the guard he was
+      now on the stock exchange, and so we maintained the reputation of the
+      family.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0024" id="linkimage-0024">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/126.jpg"
+       alt="Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of The Heroes 126 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Then we hired horses and took a horse back ride through Rotten Row, where
+      everybody in London that has the price, rides a horse, and no carriages
+      are allowed. Dad was an old cavalry man forty years ago, and he is stuck
+      on his shape when he is on a horse, but he came near breaking up the horse
+      back parade the day we went for the ride. The liveryman gave us two
+      bob-tailed nags, a big one for dad and a small one for me, but they didn't
+      have any army saddle for dad, and he had to ride on one of these little
+      English saddles, such as jockeys ride races on, and dad is so big where he
+      sits on a saddle that you couldn't see the saddle, and I guess they gave
+      dad a hurdle jumper, because when we got right amongst the riders, men and
+      women, his horse began to act up, and some one yelled, &ldquo;Tally-ho,&rdquo; and
+      that is something about fox hunting, not a coach, and the horse jumped a
+      fence and dad rolled off over the bowsprit and went into a ditch of dirty
+      water.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0025" id="linkimage-0025">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/128.jpg" alt="Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The horse went off across a field, and the policeman fished dad out of the
+      ditch, and run him through a clothes wringer or something, and got him
+      dried out, and sent him to the hotel in an express wagon, and I rode my
+      horse back to the liveryman and told him what happened to dad, and they
+      locked me up in a box stall until somebody found the horse, 'cause they
+      thought dad was a horse thief, and they held me for ransom. But dad came
+      around before night and paid my ransom, and we were released. Dad says
+      Rotten Row is rotten, all right enough, and by ginger it is, 'cause he has
+      not got the smell of that ditch off his clothes yet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now he has got a new idea, and that is to go to some country where there
+      are bandits, different from the bandits here in London, and be captured
+      and taken to the mountain fastnesses, and held for ransom until our
+      government makes a fuss about it, and sends warships after-us. I tell dad
+      it would be just our luck to have our government fail to try to get us,
+      and the bandits might cut our heads off and stick them on a pole as a
+      warning to people not to travel unless they had a ransom concealed about
+      their clothes. But dad says he is out to see all the sights, and he is
+      going to be ransomed before he gets home, if it takes every dollar our
+      government has got. I think he is going to work the bandit racket when we
+      get to Turkey, but, by ginger, he can leave me at a convent, because I
+      don't want one of those crooked sabers run into me and turned around like
+      a corkscrew. Dad says I can stay in a harem while he goes to the mountains
+      with the bandits, and I don't know as I care, as they say a harem is the
+      most interesting place in Turkey. You know the pictures we have studied in
+      the old grocery, where a whole bunch of beautiful women are practicing
+      using soap in a marble bath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, don't you say anything to ma about it, but dad has got his foot in
+      it clear up to the top button. It isn't anything scandalous, though there
+      is a woman at the bottom of it. You see, we used to know a girl that left
+      home to go out into the world and earn her own living. She elocuted some
+      at private parties and sanitariums, to entertain people that were daffy,
+      and were on the verge of getting permanent bats in their belfry, and after
+      a few years she got on the stage, and made a bunch of money, and went
+      abroad. And then she had married a titled person, and everybody supposed
+      she was a duchess, or a countess, and ma wanted us to inquire about her
+      when we got over here. Ma didn't want us to go and hunt her up to board
+      with her, or anything, but just to get a glimpse of high life, and see if
+      our poor little friend was doing herself proud in her new station in life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0026" id="linkimage-0026">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/131.jpg"
+       alt="Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to Wad a Gun 131 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but dad found her, and she ain't any more of a duchess than I am. Her
+      husband is a younger son of a titled person, but there isn't money enough
+      in the whole family to wad a gun, and our poor girl is working in a shop,
+      or store, selling corsets to support a lazy, drunken husband and a whole
+      mess of children, and while she is seven removes from a duchess, she does
+      not rank with the woman who washes her mother's clothes at home. Gosh, but
+      dad was hot when he found her, and after she told him about her situation
+      in life he gave her a yellow-backed fifty-dollar bill, and came back to
+      the hotel mad, and wanted to pack up and go somewhere else, where he
+      didn't know any titled-persons.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That night a couple of dukes came around to the hotel to sell dad some
+      stock in a diamond mine in South Africa, and they got to talking about how
+      English society held over our crude American society, until dad got an
+      addition to the mad he had when he called on our girl, and when one of the
+      dukes said America was being helped socially by the marriage of American
+      women to titled persons, dad got a hot box, like a stalled freight train.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Says dad, says he: &ldquo;You Johnnies are a lot of confidence men, who live
+      only to rope in rich American girls, so you can marry them and have their
+      dads lift the mortgages on your ancestral estates, and put on tin roofs in
+      place of the mortgages, 'cause a mortgage will not shed rain, and you get
+      their money and spend it on other women.&rdquo; One of the dukes turned red like
+      a lobster, and I think he is a lobster, anyway, and he was going to make
+      dad stop talking, but the duke didn't know dad, and he continued. Says
+      dad, says he: &ldquo;I know a rich old man in the States, who made ten million
+      dollars on pickles, or breakfast food, and he had a daughter that was so
+      homely they couldn't keep a clock going in the house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She came over here and got exposed to a duke, and she had never been
+      vaccinated, and the first her father knew she caught the duke, and came;
+      home, and he followed her. Say, he didn't know enough to pound sand, and
+      the old man got several doctors for her, but they couldn't break up the
+      duke fever, and finally the old pickle citizen asked him how much the
+      mortgage was, and how much they could live on, and he bought her the duke,
+      and sent them off, and the duke covered his castle with building paper, so
+      it would hold water, and they set up housekeeping with a hundred servants.
+      Then the duke wanted a racing stable, after the baby came, and the old
+      pickle man went over to see the baby, and it looked so much like the old
+      man that he invested in a racing stable, and the servants bowed low to the
+      old man and called him 'Your 'ighness,' and that settled the old pickle
+      person, and he fell into the trap of building a townhouse in London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then he went home and made some more pickles, and the daughter cabled him
+      to come right over, as they had been invited to entertain the king and a
+      lot of other face cards in the pack. And the old man thought it would be
+      great to get in the king row himself, so he shoveled a lot of big bills
+      into some packing trunks and went over to fix up for the king. The castle
+      had to be redecorated for about six miles, up one corridor and down the
+      other, but Old Pickles stood the raise, because he thought it would be
+      worth the money to be on terms of intimacy with a king.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then when it was all ready, and the old man was going to stand at the
+      front door and welcome the king, they made him go to his room, back about
+      a half a mile in the rear of the castle, and for two weeks old Pickles had
+      his meals brought to his room, and when it was over, and his sentence had
+      expired, he was let out, and all he saw of the grand entertainment to the
+      crowned heads was a ravine full of empty wine bottles, a case of jimjams
+      for a son-in-law, a case of nervous prostration for a daughter, and
+      hydrophobia for himself. My old pickle friend has got, at this date, three
+      million good pickle dollars invested in your d&mdash;d island, and all he
+      has to show for it is a sick daughter, neglected by a featherhead of a
+      husband, who will only speak to old pickles when he wants more money, and
+      a grandchild that may die teething at any time. You are a nice lot of
+      ducks to talk to me about your English society being better than our
+      American civilization. You get,&rdquo; and dad drove the dukes out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0027" id="linkimage-0027">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/135.jpg" alt="Dad Drove the Dukes out 135 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I think they are going to have dad arrested for treason. But don't tell
+      ma, 'cause she may think treason serious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bay Boy Writes About Paris&mdash;Tells About the Trip Across
+     the English Channel&mdash;Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Paris, France.&mdash;My Dear Uncle Ezra: Dad is in an awful state here,
+      and I do not know what to do with him. We struck this town all in a heap,
+      and the people seemed to be paralyzed so they couldn't speak, except to
+      make motions and make noises that we could not interpret. This is the
+      first time dad and I have been in a place where nobody understood our
+      language. Ordinarily we would take pleasure in teaching people to speak
+      the English language, but in coming across the English channel dad and I
+      both got something we never got on the water before. Ordinary seasickness
+      is only an incident, that makes you wish you were dead&mdash;just
+      temporary, but when it wears off you can enjoy your religion and victuals
+      as well as ever, but the seasickness that the English channel gives you is
+      a permanent investment, like government bonds that you cut coupons off of.
+      I 'spect we shall be sick always now, and worse every other day, like
+      chills and fever.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, a boat on the English channel does not roll, or pitch, at intervals,
+      like a boat on ordinary water, but it does stunts like a broncho that has
+      been poisoned by eating loco-weeds, and goes into the air and dives down
+      under, and shakes itself like a black bass with a hook in its mouth, and
+      rolls over like a trained dog, and sits up on its hind legs and begs, and
+      then walks on its fore paws, and seems to jump through hoops, and dig for
+      woodchucks, and all the time the water boils like 'pollinarius, full of
+      bubbles, and it gives you the hiccups to look at it, and it flows every
+      way at the same time, and the wind comes from the fourteen quarters at
+      once, and blows hot if you are too hot and want a cool breeze, and if you
+      are too cold, and want a warm breeze to keep you alive, it comes right
+      from the north pole, and you just perish in your tracks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but it is awful. When you get seasick on an ordinary ocean, you know
+      where to locate the disease, and you know where to go for relief, and when
+      you have got relieved you know that you are alive, but an English channel
+      seasickness is as different from any other as an alcohol jag is different
+      from a champagne drunk. This English channel seasickness begins on your
+      toes, and you feel as though the toenails were being pulled out with
+      pincers, and the veins in your legs seem to explode, your arms wilt like
+      lettuce in front of a cheap grocery, your head seems to be struck with a
+      pile-driver and telescoped down into your spine, and your stomach feels as
+      though you had swallowed a telephone pole with all of the cross arms and
+      wires and glass insulators, and you wish lightning would strike you. Gosh,
+      but dad was hot when he found that he was sick that way, and when we got
+      ashore he wanted to kill the first man he met.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He thinks that it is a crime for a man not to understand the English
+      language, and when he tells what he wants, and the man he is talking to
+      shrugs his shoulders and laughs, and brings him something else, he wants
+      to pull his gun and begin to shoot up the town, and only for me he would
+      have killed people before this, but now he takes it out in scowling at
+      people who do not understand him. Dad seems to think that if he cannot
+      make a man understand what he says, all he has to do is to swear at the
+      man, but there is no universal language of profanity, so the more dad
+      swears the more the nervous Frenchman smiles, and acts polite.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think the French people are the politest folks I ever knew. If a
+      Frenchman had to kick a person out of doors, he would wear a felt slipper,
+      and after he had kicked you he would place his hand on his heart, and bow,
+      and look so sorry, and hurt, that you would want to give him a tip.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, but this tipping business is what is breaking dad's heart. I think if
+      the servants would arrange a syndicate to rob dad of two or three dol lars
+      a day, by pocket picking, or sneak thieving, he would overlook it, and say
+      that as long as it was one of the customs of the country we should have to
+      submit to it, but when he has paid his bill, with everything charged
+      extra, and the servants line up and look appealingly, or mad, as the case
+      may be, dad is the hardest man to loosen that ever was, but if they seem
+      to look the other way, and not, apparently, care whether they get a cent
+      or not, dad would go and hunt them up, and divide his roll with them. Dad
+      is not what you would call a &ldquo;tight wad,&rdquo; if you let him shed his money
+      normally, when he feels the loosening coming on, but you try to work him
+      by bowing and cringing, and his American spirit gets the better of him,
+      and he looks upon the servant as pretty low down. I have told him that the
+      tipping habit is just as bad in America as in France, but he says in
+      America the servant acts as though he never had such a thought as getting
+      a tip, and when you give him a quarter or other tip he looks puzzled, as
+      though he did not just recall what he had done to merit such treatment,
+      but finally puts the money in his pocket with an air as though he would
+      accept it in trust, to be given to some deserving person at the first
+      opportunity, and then he smiles, and gets away, and blows in the tip for
+      something wet and strong.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told dad if he would just ignore the servants, as though he did not
+      understand that they expected a tip, that he would be all right, so when
+      we got ready to move from the hotel to private rooms dad never gave any
+      servant a tip. Well, I don't know what the servants did to our baggage,
+      but they must have marked it with a smallpox sign, or something, for
+      nobody would touch it for several hours, but finally a baggage man took it
+      and started for our apartments, and got lost and didn't show up for two
+      days, and when it was finally landed on the sidewalk nobody would carry it
+      upstairs, and dad and I had to lug it up two flights, and I thought dad
+      would have apoplexy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0028" id="linkimage-0028">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/143.jpg" alt="Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We found a guide who could talk New Orleans English and he said it would
+      cost three dollars to square it with the servants at the hotel, and have
+      the boycott removed from our baggage, and dad paid it, and now he coughs
+      up a tip every time he sees a servant look at him. He pays when he goes in
+      a restaurant and when he comes out, and says he is cured of trying to
+      reform the customs of anybody else's country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have engaged a guide to stay with us day and night. The guide took us
+      out for a bat last night, and dad had the time of his life. Dad has drank
+      a good deal of spiritous and malt liquors in his time, but I don't think
+      he ever indulged much in champagne at three or four dollars a bottle at
+      home. Maybe he has been saving himself up till he got over here, where
+      champagne is cheap and it takes several quarts to make you see angels. The
+      guide took us to one of these bullyvards, where there are tables out on
+      the sidewalk, and you can eat and drink and look at the dukes and counts
+      and dutchesses and things promenading up and down, flirting like sin, and
+      we sat down to a table and ordered things to eat and drink, and dad looked
+      like Uncle Sam, and felt his oats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0029" id="linkimage-0029">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/138.jpg" alt="A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      When he had drank a few thimblefuls of absinthe, and some champagne, and
+      eat a plateful of frogs, he was just ripe for trouble. A woman and a man
+      at an adjoining table had one of these white dogs that is sheared like a
+      hedge fence, with spots of long hair left on in places, and dad coaxed the
+      dog over to our table and began to feed him frogs' legs, and the woman
+      began to talk French out loud, and look cross at dad, and the count that
+      was with her came over to our table and looked at dad in a tone of voice
+      that meant trouble, and said something sassy, and the guide said the man
+      wanted to fight a duel because dad had contaminated the woman's dog, and
+      dad got mad and offered to wipe out the whole place, and he got up with a
+      champagne bottle and looked defiance at the count, and the waiters began
+      to scatter, when the woman came up to dad and begged him not to hurt the
+      count, and as she spoke broken English dad could understand her, and she
+      looked so beautiful, and her eyes were filled with tears, and dad relented
+      and said: &ldquo;Don't cry, dear, I won't hurt the little runt.&rdquo; She was so glad
+      dad was not going to kill the count that she threw herself into his arms
+      and thanked dear America for producing such a grand citizen, such a brave
+      man as dad, who could forego the pleasure of killing a poor, weak man who
+      had insulted him, particularly as dad's wild Indian ancestry made it hard
+      for him to refrain from blood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0030" id="linkimage-0030">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/145.jpg" alt="I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, dad's face was a study, as he braced up and held that 150 pounds of
+      white meat in his arms, with all the people looking on, and he seemed
+      proud and heroic, and he stroked her hair and told her not to worry, and
+      finally she hied herself away from dad and the count took her away, and
+      they went up the bullyvard, and after all was quiet again dad said:
+      &ldquo;Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. When you are tempted to commit a
+      rash act and avenge an insult in blood, stop and think of the sorrow and
+      shame that will come to you if you draw your gun too quick, and have a
+      widow on your hands as the result. Suppose I had killed that shrimp, the
+      face of his widow would have haunted me always, and I would have wanted to
+      die. Don't ever kill anybody, my boy, if you can settle a dispute by
+      shaking the dice.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, dad ordered some more wine, and as he drank it, he allowed the
+      populace to admire him and say things about the great American
+      millionaire, who spent money like water and was too brave to fight. Then
+      dad called for his check to pay his bill, and when he felt in his pocket
+      for his roll of bills, he hadn't a nickel and the woman, when she was in
+      his arms, weeding with one hand, had gone through dad's pockets with the
+      other. Dad felt for his watch, to see what time it was, and his watch was
+      gone, and the waiter was waiting for the money and dad tried to explain
+      that he had been buncoed, and the head waiter came and begun to act sassy,
+      and then they called a policeman to stay by us till the money was
+      produced, and everybody at the other tables laughed, and dad turned blue,
+      and I thought he would have a fit. Finally, the guide began to talk, and
+      the result was that a policeman went home with us, and dad found money
+      enough to pay the bill, but he talked language that caused the landlady to
+      ask us to find a new place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0031" id="linkimage-0031">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/148.jpg"
+       alt="Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed 148 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The next morning the guide showed up with an officer who had a warrant for
+      dad for hugging a woman in a public cafe, and it seemed as though we were
+      in for it, but the guide said he could settle the whole business by paying
+      the officer $20, and dad paid it and I think the guide and the officer
+      divided the money. Say, this is the greatest town we have struck yet for
+      excitement, and I guess dad will not have a chance to think of his
+      sickness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This morning we went into a big department store, and, by gosh! we found
+      the count that dad was going to fight was a floor-walker, and the countess
+      was behind a counter selling soap. When dad saw the count leering at him,
+      he put his hand on his pistol pocket and yelled a regular cowboy yell, and
+      the count rushed down into the basement, the soap countess fainted, and
+      the police took dad to the police station, and all day the guide and I
+      have been trying to get him out on bail. If we get dad out of this we are
+      going to put a muzzle on him. Well, if anyone asks you if I am having much
+      of a time abroad, you can tell them the particulars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P. S.&mdash;We got dad out for $20 and costs, and he says he will blow
+      Paris up before night. We are going up to the top of the Eiffel tower this
+      afternoon, to count our money, as dad dasscnt take out his pocketbook
+      anywhere on the ground for fear of being robbed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours full of frogs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris&mdash;Dad Poses as a
+     Mormon Bishop and Has to Be Rescued&mdash;They Climb the Eiffel
+     Tower and the Old Man Gets Converted.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Paris, France.&mdash;Old Pardner in Crime: I got your letter, telling me
+      about the political campaign that is raging at home, and when I read it to
+      dad he wanted to go right out and fill up on campaign whisky and yell for
+      his presidential candidate, but he couldn't find any whisky, so he has not
+      tried to carry any precincts of Paris for our standard-bearer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is something queer about the liquor here. There is no regular
+      campaign beverage. At home you can select a drink that is appropriate for
+      any stage of a campaign. When the nominations are first made you are not
+      excited and beer and cheese sandwiches seem to fit the case A little
+      later, when the orators begin to come out into the open and shake their
+      hair, you take cocktails and your eyes begin to resemble those of a caged
+      rat, and you are ready to quarrel with an opponent. The next stage in the
+      campaign is the whisky stage, and when you have got plenty of it the
+      campaign may be said to be open, and you wear black eyes and lose your
+      teeth, and you swear strange oaths and smell of kerosene, and only sleep
+      in the morning. Then election comes and if your side wins you drink all
+      kinds of things at once for a week, shout hoarsely and then go to the
+      Keeley cure, but if your party loses you stay home and take a course of
+      treatment for nervous prostration and say you will never mix up in another
+      campaign.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here in France it is different. The people have nervous prostration to
+      start on, start a campaign on champagne, wind up on absinthe, and after
+      the votes are counted go to an insane asylum. I do not know what first got
+      dad to drink absinthe and I don't know what it is, but it looks like soap
+      suds, tastes like seed cookies and smells like vermifuge. But it gets
+      there just the same and the result of drinking it is about the same as the
+      result of drinking anything in France&mdash;it makes you want to hug
+      somebody.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At home when a man gets full of whisky, he wants to hug the man he drinks
+      with and weep on his collar, and then hit him on the head with a bottle;
+      but here every kind of drink puts the drinker in condition to want to hug.
+      Dad says he never knew he had a brain until he learned to drink absinthe,
+      but now he can close his eyes and see things worse than any mince pie
+      nightmare, and when we go out among people he never sees a man at all, but
+      when a woman passes along, dad's eyes begin to take turns winking at them
+      and it is all I can do to keep him from proposing marriage to every woman
+      he sees.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0032" id="linkimage-0032">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/153.jpg"
+       alt="Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word 'bishop' 153 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I thought I would break him of this woman foolishness, so I told everybody
+      dad was a Mormon bishop, and had a grand palace at Salt Lake City, and
+      owned millions of gold mines and tabernacles and wanted to marry a
+      thousand women and take them to Utah and place them at the head of homes
+      of their own, and he would just call once or twice a week and leave bags
+      of gold for his wives to spend. A newspaper reporter, that could talk
+      English, wrote a piece for a paper about dad wanting to marry a whole lot
+      and he said life in Utah was better than a Turkish harem, cause the wives
+      of a Mormon bishop did not have to be locked up and watched by unix, but
+      could flirt and blow in money and go out to dances and have just as much
+      fun as though they lived in Newport, and had got divorces from
+      millionaires, and he said any woman who wanted to marry a Mormon bishop
+      could meet dad on the bullyvard near a certain monument, on a certain day.
+      I was on to it, with the reporter, and we hired a carriage and went to the
+      bullyvard, just at the time the newspaper said and I put a big red badge
+      on dad's breast, with the word &ldquo;Bishop&rdquo; on it, and dad had been drinking
+      absinthe and he thought the badge was a kind of sign of nobility. Well,
+      you'd adide to see the bunch of women that were there to meet dad. &ldquo;What's
+      the matter here?&rdquo; said dad, as he saw the crowd of women, looking like
+      they were there in answer to an advertisement for nurses. I told dad to
+      stand up in the carriage, like Dowie does in Chicago, and hold out his
+      hands and say: &ldquo;Bless you, my children,&rdquo; and when dad got up to bless
+      them, the reporter and I got out of the carriage, and the reporter, which
+      could talk French, said for all the women who wanted to be Mormon wives to
+      get into the carriage with the bishop and be sealed for life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you'd a thought it was a remnant sale! More than a dozen got
+      into the carriage with dad, and about 400 couldn't get in, but when the
+      scared driver started up the horses, they all followed the carriage, and
+      then the mounted police surrounded the whole bunch and moved them off
+      towards the police station, and dad under the wagonload of females, each
+      one trying to get the nearest to him, so as to be his favorite wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It got noised around that a foreign potent-ate had been arrested with his
+      whole harem for conduct unbecoming to a potent-ate, and so when we got to
+      the jail dad had to be rescued from his wives, and they were driven into a
+      side street by the police, and dad was locked up to save his life. The
+      reporter and I went to the jail to get him out, but we had to buy a new
+      suit of clothes for him, as everything was torn off him in the Mormon
+      rush.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0033" id="linkimage-0033">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/155.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail 155 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad was a sight when we found him in jail, and he thought his bones were
+      broken, and he wanted to know what was the cause of his sudden popularity
+      with the fair sex, and I told him it all came from his looking so
+      confounded distinguished, and his flirting with women. He said he would
+      swear he never looked at one of those women in a tone of voice that would
+      deceive a Sunday school teacher, and he felt as though he was being
+      misunderstood in France. We told him the only way to get out of jail was
+      to say he was a crowned head from Oshkosh, traveling incog, and when he
+      began to stand on his dignity and demand that a messenger be sent for the
+      president of France, to apologize for the treatment he had received, the
+      jailer and police begged his pardon and we dressed him up in his new
+      clothes and got him out, and we went to the Eiffel tower to get some fresh
+      air.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose you have seen pictures of the Eiffel tower, on the
+      advertisements of breakfast food in your grocery, but you can form no idea
+      of the height and magnificence of the tower by studying advertisements.
+      You may think that the pictures you see of world events on your cans of
+      baked beans and maple syrup and soap, give you the benefit of foreign
+      travel, but it does not. You have got to see the real thing or you are not
+      fit to even talk about what you think you have seen. You remember that
+      Ferris wheel at the Chicago world's fair, and how we thought it was the
+      greatest thing ever made of steel, so high that it made us dizzy to look
+      to the top of it, and when we went up on the wheel we thought we could see
+      the world, from Alaska to South Africa, and we marveled at the work of man
+      and prayed that we be permitted to get down off that wheel alive, and not
+      be spilled down through the rarified Chicago atmosphere and flattened on
+      the pavement so thin we would have to be scraped up off the pavement with
+      a case knife, like a buckwheat cake that sticks to the griddle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You remember, old man, how you cried when our sentence to ride in the
+      Ferris wheel expired, and the jailer of the wheel opened the cell and let
+      us out, and you said no one would ever get you to ride again on anything
+      that you couldn't jump out of if it balked, or you got wheels in your head
+      and chunks of things came up to your Adam's apple and choked you. Well,
+      cross my heart, if that Ferris wheel, that looked so big to us, would make
+      a main spring for the Eiffel tower. The tower is higher than a kite, and
+      when you get near it and try to look up to the top, you think it is a
+      joke, and that really no one actually goes up to the top of it. You see
+      some flies up around the top of it, and when the guide tells you the flies
+      crawling around there are men and women, you think the guide has been
+      drinking.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0034" id="linkimage-0034">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/157.jpg"
+       alt="Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and Women 157 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      But dad and I and the guide paid our money, got into an elevator and began
+      to go up. After the thing had been going up awhile dad said he wouldn't go
+      up more than a mile or so at first, and asked the man to let him off at
+      the 3,000-foot level, but the elevator man said dad had got to take all
+      the degrees and dad said: &ldquo;Let her went,&rdquo; and after an hour or so we got
+      to the top.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee! but I thought dad would fall dead right there, when he looked off at
+      Paris and the world beyond. The flies we had seen at the top before
+      starting had changed to human beings, all looking pale and scared, and the
+      human beings on the ground had changed into flies and bugs, for all you
+      could see of a man on the ground was his feet with a flattened plug hat
+      someway fastened on the ankles, and a woman looked like a spoonful of
+      raspberry jam dropped on the pavement, or a splash of current jelly moving
+      on the ground in a mysterious way. I do not know as the Eiffel tower was
+      intended to act as a Keeley cure, but of the 50 people who went up with
+      us, half of them were so full their back teeth were floating, including
+      dad and the guide, but when we got to the top and they got a view of the
+      awful height to which we had come, it seemed as though every man got sober
+      at once, and their tongues seemed to cleave to the roof of their mouths.
+      All they could do was to look off at the city and the view in the
+      distance, and choke up, and look sorry about something.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I couldn't help thinking of what sort of a pulp a man would be if he fell
+      off the top of the tower and struck a fat woman on the pavement, cause it
+      seemed to me you couldn't tell which was fat woman and which was man. I
+      never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad, after he got his
+      second wind and got his voice working. He looked like a man who had made
+      up his mind to lead a different life and begin right there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0035" id="linkimage-0035">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/159.jpg" alt="He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There was a Salvation Army man and woman in the crowd and dad went up to
+      them. He took out a five-dollar bill and put it in the tambourine of the
+      lassie, and said to the man and woman: &ldquo;Now, look a here, I want to join
+      your church, and if you have got the facilities for giving me the degrees,
+      you can sign me as a Christian right now. I have been a bad man, and never
+      thought I needed the benefits of religious training, but since I got up
+      here, so near Heaven, in an elevator which I will bet $10 will break and
+      kill us all before we get down to Paris, I want you to prepare me for the
+      hereafter quick.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Some of the other fellows laughed at dad, and the Salvation Army people
+      looked as though dad was drunk, but he continued: &ldquo;You can laugh and be
+      jammed, but I'll never leave this place until I am a pious man, and you
+      Salvation Army people have got to enlist me in your army, for I am scared
+      plum to death. Go ahead and convert me, while we wait.&rdquo; The Salvation Army
+      captain put his hand on dad's head, the girl held out the tambourine for
+      another contribution, and dad felt a sweet peace come over him, and we
+      went down in the elevator and took a hack to the hotel, and dad's lips
+      worked as though in pain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      H. <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to
+     Break the Bank, But They Go Broke&mdash;The Party in Trouble.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Monte Carlo.&mdash;Dear Uncle: I blush to write the name, Monte Carlo, at
+      the head of a letter to anyone that is a Christian, or who believes in
+      honesty and decency, and earning a living by the sweat of one's brow, for
+      this place is the limit. If I should write anybody a letter from South
+      Clark street, Chicago, the recipient would know I had gone wrong, and was
+      located in the midst of a bad element, and the inference would be that I
+      was the worst fakir, robber, hold-up man or assassin in the bunch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The inference you must draw from the heading of this letter is that dad
+      and I have taken all the degree of badness and are now winding up our
+      career by taking the last degree, before passing in our chips and
+      committing suicide. Do you know what this place is, old man? Monaco is a
+      principality, about six miles square, ruled by a prince, and the whole
+      business of the country, for it is a &ldquo;country&rdquo; the same as though it had a
+      king, is gambling. They have all the different kinds of gambling, from
+      chuck-a-luck at two bits to roulette at a million dollars a minute. What
+      started dad to come to Monte Carlo is more than I know, unless it was a
+      new American he has got acquainted with, a fellow from North Dakota, that
+      dad met at a sort of dance that he did not take me to. It seems there is a
+      place in Paris where they go to see men and women dance&mdash;one of those
+      dances where they kick so high that their feet hit the gas fixtures.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, all I know about it is that one Wednesday night dad said he felt as
+      though it was his duty to go to prayer meeting, so he could say when he
+      got home that in all the frivolities of a trip abroad, even in wicked
+      Paris, he never neglected his church duties. I never was stuck on going to
+      prayer meeting, so dad let me stay at the hotel and play pool with the
+      cash register boy in the barroom, and dad took a hymn book and went out,
+      looking pious as I ever saw him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0036" id="linkimage-0036">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/164.jpg"
+       alt="Dance, Like They Had Seen the People Dance at The Show 164 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      My, what a difference there was in dad in the morning. I woke up about
+      daylight, and dad came into the room with a strange man, with spinach on
+      his chin, and they began to dance, like they had seen the people dance at
+      the show where they had passed the evening. They were undressed, except
+      their underclothes, which wore these combination suits, so when a man gets
+      into them he is sealed up like a bologna, and he has to have help when he
+      wants to get out to take a bath, and he has to have an outsider button him
+      in with a button hook. Gee, I would rather be a sausage and done with it!
+      Well, dad and this man from Dakota kicked high until dad caught by the
+      ankle on a gas bracket, and the strange man got me up out of bed to help
+      unloosen dad and get him down before he was black in the face. Finally we
+      got dad down and then the two old codgers began to discuss a proposition
+      to go to Monte Carlo to break the bank.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0037" id="linkimage-0037">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/162.jpg" alt="A System of Gambling 162 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Dakota man agreed that Americans had no right to be spending their own
+      money doing Europe, when their genius was equal to the task of acquiring
+      the money of the less intelligent foreigners. He said they could go to
+      Monte Carlo and by a system of gambling which he had used successfully in
+      the Black Hills they could carry away all the money they could pile into
+      sacks. The man said he would guarantee to break the bank if dad would put
+      his money against the Dakota man's experience as a gambler, and they would
+      divide the proceeds equally. Dad bit like a bass. He said he had always
+      had an element of adventure in his make-up, and had always liked to take
+      chances, and from what he had heard of the fabulous sums won and lost at
+      Monte Carlo he could see that if a syndicate could be formed that would
+      win most of the time, he could see that there was more money in it than in
+      any manufacturing enterprise, and he was willing to finance the scheme.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Dakota man fairly hugged dad, and he told dad in confidence that they
+      two could divide up money enough to make them richer than they ever
+      dreamed of, and all the morning they discussed the plan, and made a list
+      of things they would need to get away with the money. They provided
+      themselves with canvas sacks to carry away the gold, and dad drew all his
+      money out of the bank, and that evening we took a train for Monte Carlo.
+      All the way here dad and his new friend chuckled over the sensation they
+      would make among the gamblers, and I became real interested in the scheme.
+      There was to be some fun besides the winning of the money, because they
+      talked of going out in the park and on the terraces when they were tired
+      of winning money, and seeing the poor devils who had gone broke commit
+      suicide, as that is said to be one of the features of the place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0038" id="linkimage-0038">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/166.jpg"
+       alt="Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke 166 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, we got a suite of rooms and the first day we looked over the place,
+      and ate free banquets and saw how the people dressed, and just looked
+      prosperous and showed money on the slightest provocation, and got the hang
+      of things. Dad was to go in the big gambling room in the afternoon with
+      his pockets fairly dropsical with money, and the Dakota man was to do the
+      betting, and dad was to hold one of the canvas bags, and when it was full
+      we were to take it to our room, and quit gambling for awhile, to give the
+      bank a chance to raise more money. Dad insisted that his partner should
+      lose a small bet once in awhile, so the bank should not get on to the fact
+      that we had a cinch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After luncheon we entered the big gambling room, in full-dress suits, and,
+      by gosh! it was like a king's reception. There were hundreds of men and
+      women, dressed for a party, and it did not seem like a gambling hell,
+      except that there were, piles of gold as big as stoves, on all the tables,
+      and the guests were provided with silver rakes, with long handles, to rake
+      in the money. Dad said in a whisper to the Dakota man: &ldquo;What is the use of
+      taking the trouble to run a gold mine, and get all dirtied up digging
+      dirty nuggets, when you can get nice, clean gold, all coined, ready to
+      spend, by betting right?&rdquo; And then dad turned to me and he said; &ldquo;Hennery,
+      don't let the sight of this wealth make you avaricious. Don't be
+      purse-proud when you find that your poor father, after years of struggle
+      against adversity, and the machinations of designing men, has got next to
+      the Pierpont Morgan class and has money to buy railroads. Don't get
+      excited when we begin to bag the money, but just act as though it was a
+      regular thing with us to salt down our gold for winter, the same as we do
+      our pork.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      A count, or a duke, gave us nice seats, and rakes to haul in the money; a
+      countess, with a low-necked dress, winked at dad when he reached into his
+      pistol pocket and brought out a roll of bills and handed them to the
+      Dakota man, who bought $500 worth of red chips, and when the man looked
+      the roulette table over and put about a pint of chips on the red, dad
+      choked up so he was almost black in the face, and began to perspire so I
+      had to wipe my face with a handkerchief; the gambler rolled the wheel and
+      when the ball stopped on the red, and dad did the raking and raked in a
+      quart of chips, and dad shook hands with the Dakota man and said: &ldquo;Pard,
+      we have got 'em on the run,&rdquo; and reached for his sack to put in the first
+      installment of acquired wealth, and the low-necked countess smiled a
+      ravishing smile on dad, and dad looked as though he owned a brewery, and
+      the Dakota man twisted his chin whiskers and acted like he was sorry for
+      the Monte Carlo bank, I just got so faint with joy that I almost cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To think we had skinned along as economically as possible all our lives,
+      and never made much money, and now, through this Dakota genius, and this
+      Monte Carlo opportunity, we had wealth raking in by the bushel, made me
+      feel great, and I wondered why more people had not found out this faraway
+      place, where people could become rich and prosperous in a day, if they had
+      the nerve. I tell you, old man, it was great, and I was going to cable you
+      to sell out your grocery for what you could get at forced sale and come
+      here with the money, gamble and become a millionaire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0039" id="linkimage-0039">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/171.jpg"
+       alt="Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up Another Roll 171 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Monte Carlo (the next day).&mdash;My Dear Uncle Ezra: I do not know how to
+      write you the sequel to this tragedy. After our Dakota partner, with the
+      Black Hills system of beating a roulette game, had won the first bet, he
+      never guessed the right color again, and dad had no more use for the rake.
+      Every time he bet and lost, he would reach out to dad for more money, and
+      dad would reach into another pocket and dig up another roll, and the
+      countess would laugh and dad had to act as though he enjoyed losing money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was about dark when dad had fished up the last hundred dollars and it
+      was gone before dad could wink back to the countess, then the Dakota man
+      looked at dad for more, and dad shook his head and said it was all off,
+      and they looked it each other a minute, and then we all three got up and
+      went out in the park to see the people who had gone broke commit suicide,
+      but there was not a revolver shot and dad and the Dakota man sat down on a
+      seat and I looked at the moon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He would reach out to Dad for more money, and Dad would reach into another
+      pocket and dig up another roll.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad looked at the Dakota man and said: &ldquo;You started me in all right. What
+      happened to your system?&rdquo; The Dakota man was silent for a moment, and then
+      he pointed to me and said: &ldquo;That imp of yours crossed his fingers every
+      time I bet, except the first time.&rdquo; Dad called me to him, and he said:
+      &ldquo;Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. Never to cross your fingers. You
+      have ruined your dad,&rdquo; and he turned his pockets inside out, and hadn't
+      change for a dollar note, and he gave me the empty sack to carry, and we
+      went to our suite of rooms, knowing we would be fired out into the cold
+      world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It will take a week to get money from the states, and we may be sent to
+      the work house, as we are broke, and haven't got the means even to commit
+      suicide. Don't tell ma.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride&mdash;They Run
+     Over a Peasant&mdash;Climb &ldquo;Glaziers&rdquo;&mdash;Dad Falls Over a
+     Precipice, But Is Rescued by the Guides After a Hard Time
+     of It.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Geneva, Switzerland.&mdash;My Dear Old Man: By ginger, but I would like to
+      be home now. I have had enough of foreign travel; I don't see what is the
+      use of traveling, to see people of foreign countries, when you can go to
+      any large city in America, and find more people belonging to any foreign
+      country than you can find by going to that country, and they know a
+      confounded sight more. Take the Russians in New York, the Norwegians of
+      Minnesota, the Italians of Chicago, and the Germans of Milwaukee, and they
+      can talk English, and you can find out all about their own countries by
+      talking with them, but you go to their countries and the natives don't
+      know that there is such a language as the United States language, and they
+      laugh at you when you ask questions. I am sick of the whole business, and
+      would give all I ever expect to be worth, to be home right now, with my
+      skates sharp.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would like to open the door of your old grocery, and take one long
+      breath and die right there on the doorstep, rather than to live in luxury
+      in any foreign country. Do you know, I sometimes go into a grocery store
+      abroad, and smell around, in order to get my thoughts on dear old America,
+      but nothing abroad smells as the same thing does in our country. If I
+      could get one more smell of that keg of sauerkraut back of your counter,
+      when it is ripe enough to pick, I think I would break right down and cry
+      for joy. Of course I have smelled sauerkraut over here, but it all seems
+      new and tame compared to yours. It may be the kraut here is not aged
+      enough to be good, but yours is aged enough to vote and sticks to your
+      clothes. Gee, but I just ache to get into your grocery and eat things, and
+      smell smells, and then lay down on the counter with the cat with my head
+      on a pile of wrapping paper and go to sleep and wake up in America, an
+      American citizen, that no king or queen can tell to &ldquo;hush up&rdquo; and take off
+      my hat when I want my hat on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You may wonder how we got out of Monte Carlo, when we had lost every cent
+      we had gambling. Well, we wondered about it all night, and had our
+      breakfast sent up to our room, and had it charged, expecting that when the
+      bill came in we would have to jump into the ocean, as we had no gun to
+      kill ourselves with. Just after breakfast a duke, or something, came to
+      our room, and dad said it was all off, and he called upon the Dakota man
+      to make a speech on politics, while dad and I skipped out. We thought the
+      duke, who was the manager of the hotel, would not understand the speech,
+      and would think we were great people, who had got stranded.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0040" id="linkimage-0040">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/175.jpg" alt="Started in on a Democratic Speech 175 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Dakota man started in on a democratic speech that he used to deliver
+      in the campaign of '96, and in half an hour the duke held up his hands,
+      and the Dakota man let up on the speech. Then the duke took out a roll of
+      bills and said: &ldquo;Ze shentlemen is what you call bust. Is it not so?&rdquo; Dad
+      said he could bet his life it was so. Then the duke handed the roll of
+      bills to dad, and said it was a tribute from the prince of Monaco, and
+      that we were his guests, and when our stay was at an end, automobiles
+      would be furnished for us to go to Nice, where we could cable home for
+      funds, and be happy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, when the duke left us, dad said: &ldquo;Wouldn't that skin you?&rdquo; and he
+      gave the Dakota man one of the bills to try on the bartender, and when he
+      found the money was good we ordered an automobile and skipped out for
+      Nice. The chauffeur could not understand English, so we talked over the
+      situation and decided that the only way to be looked upon as genuine
+      automobilists would be to wear goggles and look prosperous and mad at
+      everybody. We took turns looking mad at everybody we passed on the road,
+      and got it down so fine that people picked up rocks after we had-passed,
+      and threw them at us, and then we knew that we were succeeding in being
+      considered genuine, rich automobile tourists.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After we had succeeded for an hour or two in convincing the people that we
+      were properly heartless and purse proud, dad said the only thing we needed
+      to make the trip a success was to run over somebody. He said nearly all
+      the American automobile tourists in Europe had killed somebody and had
+      been obliged to settle and support a family or two in France or Italy, and
+      they were prouder of it than they would be if they endowed a university,
+      or built a church, and he said he trusted our chauffeur would not be too
+      careful in running through the country, but would at least cripple some
+      one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, just before we got to Nice, and darkness was settling down on the
+      road, the chauffeur blew his horn, there was a scream that would raise
+      hair on Horace Greeley's head, the automobile stopped, and there was a
+      bundle of dusty old clothes, with an old woman done up in them, and we
+      jumped out and lifted her up, and there we were, the woman in a faint, the
+      peasants gathering around us with scythes and rakes and clubs, demanding
+      our lives. The bloody-faced woman was taken into a home, the crowd held
+      us, until finally a doctor came, and after examining the woman said she
+      might live, but it would be a tight squeeze. We wanted to go on, but we
+      didn't want to be cut open with a scythe, so finally a man, who said he
+      was the husband of the woman, came out with a gun, dad got down on his
+      knees and tried to say a prayer, the Dakota man held up both hands like it
+      was a stage being held up, and I cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0041" id="linkimage-0041">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/178.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to Say a Prayer 178 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally the chauffeur said, in broken English, that the husband would
+      settle for $400, because he could pay the funeral expenses, get another
+      wife for half the money and have some thing left to lay up for Christmas.
+      As the man's gun was pointed at dad, he quit praying and gave up the money
+      and agreed to send $50 a month for 11 years, until the oldest child was of
+      age.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we got away alive, got into Nice, and the chauffeur started back and
+      we cabled home for money to be sent to Geneva, Switzerland. But, say; you
+      have not heard the sequel. A story that has a sequel is always the best,
+      and I hope to die if the police of Nice didn't tell us that we were
+      buncoed by that old woman and that the chauffeur was in the scheme and got
+      part of dad's money. The way they do it is to wait till dark, and then
+      roll the woman in the dust and put some red ink on her face, and she
+      pretends to be run over, and the doctor is hired by the month, and they
+      average $500 a night, playing that game on automobile tourists from
+      America. After the woman is run over every night, and the money is
+      collected, and the victims have been allowed to go on their way, the whole
+      community gathers at the house of the injured woman and they have a
+      celebration and a dance, and probably our chauffeur got back to the house
+      that night in time to enjoy the celebration. I suppose thousands of
+      Americans are paying money for killing people that never got a scratch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, we think in America that we have plenty of ways to rob the
+      tenderfoot, but they give us cards and spades and little casino and beat
+      us every time. Dad wanted to hire a hack and go back and finish that old
+      woman with an ax, because he said he had a corpse coming to him, but the
+      police told him he could be arrested for thinking murder, and that he was
+      a dangerous man, and that they would give him 12 hours to get out of
+      France, and so we bought tickets for Switzerland, though what we came here
+      for I don't know, only dad said it was a republic like America and he
+      wanted to breathe the free air of mountains in the home of the
+      Switzerkase.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, anybody can have Switzerland if they want it. I will sell my
+      interest cheap. The first three days we were here everybody wanted us to
+      go out on the lake, said to be the most beautiful lake in the world, and
+      we sailed on it, and rowed on it, and looked down into the clear water
+      where it is said you can see a corpse on the bottom of the lake 100 feet
+      down. We hadn't lost any corpse, except the corpse of that old woman we
+      run over at Nice, but we wanted to get the worth of our money, so we kept
+      looking for days, but the search for a corpse becomes tame after awhile,
+      and we gave it up. All we saw in the bottom of the lake was a cow, but no
+      man can weep properly over the remains of a cow, and dad said they could
+      go to the deuce with their corpses, and we just camped at the hotel till
+      our money came. Say, that lake they talk so much about is no better than
+      lakes all over Wisconsin, and there are no black bass or muskellunges in
+      it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The tourists here are just daffy about climbing mountains and glaziers,
+      and they talk about it all the time, and I could see dad's finish. They
+      told him that no American that ever visited Switzerland would be
+      recognized when he got home if he had not climbed the glaziers, so dad
+      arranged for a trip up into the sky. We went 100 miles or so on the cars,
+      passing along valleys where all the cows wear tea bells, and it sounds
+      like chimes in the distance. It is beautiful in Switzerland, but the
+      cheese is something awful. A piece of native Swiss cheese would break up a
+      family.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At night we arrived at a station where we hired guides and clothes, and
+      things, and the next morning we started. Dad wanted me to stay at the
+      station a couple of days, while he was gone, and play with the goats, but
+      I told him if there were any places in the mountains or glaziers any more
+      dangerous than Paris or Monte Carlo, I wanted to visit them, so he let me
+      go. Well, we were rigged up for discovering the north pole, and had
+      alpenstocks to push ourselves up with, and the guides had ropes to pull us
+      up when we got to places where we couldn't climb. I could get along all
+      right, but they had dad on a rope most of the time pulling him until his
+      tongue run out and his face turned blue. But dad was game, and don't you
+      forget it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Before noon we got on top of a glazier, which is the ice of a frozen
+      river, that moves all the time, sliding towards the sea.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0042" id="linkimage-0042">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/181.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet 181 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There was nothing but a hard winter, in summer, to the experience, and we
+      would have gone back the same night, only dad slipped down a crevice about
+      100 feet with the rope on him, and the two guides couldn't pull him up,
+      and we had to send a lunch down to him on the rope and one of the guides
+      had to go back to the village for help to get dad up. Well, sir, I think
+      dad was nearer dead than he ever was before, but they sent down a bottle
+      of brandy, and when he drank some of it the snow began to melt and he was
+      warm enough to use bad language.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He yelled to me that this was the limit and wanted to know how long they
+      were going to keep him there. I yelled to him that one of the guides had
+      gone for help to pull him out, and he said for them to order a yoke of
+      oxen. I told him that probably he would have to remain there until spring
+      opened and that I was going back to America and leave him there, and he
+      better pray.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0043" id="linkimage-0043">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/183.jpg"
+       alt="Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened 183 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I don't know whether dad prayed, down there in the bowels of the
+      mountains, but he didn't pray when help came, and they finally hauled him
+      up. His breath was gone, but he gave those guides some language that would
+      set them to thinking if they could have understood him, and finally we
+      started down the mountain. They kept the rope on dad and every little
+      while he would slip and slide 100 feet or so down the mountain on his
+      pants, and the snow would go up his trousers legs clear to his collar, and
+      the exercise made him so hot that the steam came out of his clothes, and
+      he looked like a locomotive wrecked in a snow bank blowing off steam.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It became dark and I expected we would be killed, but before midnight we
+      got to the station and changed our clothes and paid off the guides and
+      took a train back. Dad said to me, as we got on the cars: &ldquo;Now, Hennery, I
+      have done this glazier stunt, just to show you that a brave man, whatever
+      his age, is equal to anything they can propose in Europe, but by ginger,
+      this settles it, and now I want to go where things come easier. I am now
+      going to Turkey and see how the Turks worry along. Are you with me?&rdquo; &ldquo;You
+      bet your life,&rdquo; says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours truly,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist&mdash;They Give Alms to the Beggars
+     and the Bad Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand
+     Canal.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Venice, Italy.&mdash;My Dear Old Chumireno: Dad couldn't get out of
+      Switzerland quick enough after he got thawed out the day after we climbed
+      the glaziers. We found that almost all the tourists in Geneva were there
+      because they did not want to go home and say they had not visited
+      Switzerland, so they just jumped from one place to another. The people who
+      stay there any length of time are like the foreign residents of Mexico,
+      who are wanted for something they have done at home, that is against the
+      law. There are more anarchists in Geneva than anything else, and they look
+      hairy and wild eyed, and they plot to kill kings and drink beer out of two
+      quart jars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When we found that more attention was paid to men suspected of crime in
+      their own countries, and men who were believed to be plotting to
+      assassinate kings, dad said it would be a good joke if a story should get
+      out that he was suspected of being connected with a syndicate that wanted
+      to assassinate some one, so I told a fellow that I got acquainted with
+      that the fussy old man that tried to ride a glazier without any saddle or
+      stirrup was wanted for attempting to blow up the president of the United
+      States by selling him baled hay soaked in a solution of dynamite and
+      nitro-glycerine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0044" id="linkimage-0044">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/188.jpg"
+       alt="Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till Morning 188 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, they will believe anything in Switzerland. It wasn't two hours before
+      long-haired people were inviting dad to dinners, and the same night he was
+      taken to a den where a lot of anarchists were reveling, and dad reveled
+      till almost morning. When he came back to the hotel he said his hosts got
+      all the money he had with him, through some game he didn't understand, but
+      he under stood it was to go into a fund to support deserving anarchists
+      and dynamiters. He said when they found out he was a suspected assassin
+      nothing was too good for him. He said they wanted to know how he expected
+      to kill a president by soaking baled hay in explosives, and dad said it
+      came to him suddenly to tell them that the president rode on horseback a
+      good deal, and he thought if a horse was filled with baled hay, and
+      nitro-glycerine and the president spurred the horse and the horse jumped
+      in the air and came down kerchunk on an asphalt pavement, the horse would
+      explode, and when the rider came down covered with sausage covers and
+      horse meat, he would be dead, or would want to be. Dad said the anarchists
+      went into executive session and took up a collection to send a man to
+      Berlin to fill the emperor's saddle horse with cut feed like dad
+      suggested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, the anarchist story was too much for Switzerland, and the next
+      morning dad was told by a policeman that he had to get out of the country
+      quick, and it didn't take us 15 minutes to pack up, and here we are in
+      Venice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, old friend, this is the place where you ought to be, because
+      nobody works here, that is, nobody but gondoliers. We have been here
+      several days, and I have not seen a soul doing anything except begging, or
+      selling things that nobody seems to want. If anybody buys anything but
+      onions, it is for curiosity, or for souvenirs, and yet the whole
+      population sits around in the sun and watches the strangers from other
+      lands price things and go away without buying, and then everybody looks
+      mad, as though they would like to jab a knife into the stranger. The
+      plazas and the places near the canal are filled with hucksters and
+      beggars, and you never saw beggars so mutilated and sore and disgusting. I
+      never supposed human beings could be so deformed, without taking an ax to
+      them, and it is so pitiful to see them that you can't help shedding your
+      money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0045" id="linkimage-0045">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/191.jpg"
+       alt="Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just Giving to Beggars 191 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      As hard hearted as dad is, he coughed up over $40 the first day, just
+      giving to beggars, and he thought he had got them all bought up, and that
+      they would let him alone, but the next day when he showed up there were
+      ten beggars where there was one the day before, and they followed him
+      everywhere, and all the loafers in the plazas laughed and acted as if they
+      would catch the cripples when dad got out of sight and rob the beggars.
+      Dad thinks the way the people live is by dividing with beggars. A man who
+      has a deformity, or a sore that you can see half a block away, seems to be
+      considered rich here, like a man in America who owns stock in great
+      corporations. These beggars pay more taxes than the dukes and things who
+      live in style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose dad never studied geography, so he didn't know how Venice was
+      situated, so he told me to go out and order a hack the first morning we
+      were here, and we would go and see the town. When I told dad there were no
+      hacks, no horses and no roads in Venice, he said I was crazy in my head
+      and wanted me to take some medicine and stay in bed for a few days, but I
+      convinced him, when we got outdoors, that everything run by water, and
+      when I showed him the canal and the gondolas, he remembered all about
+      Venice, and picked out a gondalier that looked like one dad saw at the
+      world's fair, and we hired him because he talked English. All the English
+      the gondolier could use were the words &ldquo;you bet your life,&rdquo; and &ldquo;you're
+      dam right,&rdquo; but dad took him because it seemed so homelike, and we have
+      been riding in gondolas every day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the water you can get away from the beggars. This is an ideal
+      existence. You just get in the gondola, under a canopy, and the gondolier
+      does the work, and you glide along between build ings and wonder who lives
+      there, and when they wake up, as all day long the blinds are closed, and
+      everybody seems to be dead. But at night, when the canals are lighted, and
+      the moon shines, the people put on their dress clothes and sit on
+      verandas, or eat and drink, and talk Eyetalian, and ride in gondolas, and
+      play guitars, and smoke cigarettes, and talk love. It is so warm you can
+      wear your summer pants, and the water smells of clams that died long ago.
+      It is just as though Chicago was flooded by the bursting of the sewers,
+      and people had to go around State street, and all the cross streets, and
+      Michigan avenue, in fishing boats, with three feet of water on top of the
+      pavements. Imagine the people of Chicago taking gondolas and riding along
+      the streets, landing at the stores and hotels, just as they do now from
+      carriages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had been riding in gondolas for two days, getting around in the mud
+      when the tide was out, and going to sleep and waiting for the tide to come
+      in, when it seemed to me that dad needed some excitement, and last night I
+      gave it to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We were out in our gondola, and the moon was shining, and the electric
+      lights made the canal near the Rialto bridge as light as day. The Rialto
+      bridge crosses the Grand canal, and has been the meeting place for lovers
+      for thousands of years. It is a grand structure, of carved marble, but it
+      wouldn't hold up a threshing machine engine half as well as an iron
+      bridge. Well, the canal was filled with thousands of gondolas, loaded with
+      the flower of Venetian society, and the music just made you want to fall
+      in love. Dad said if he didn't fall in love, or something, before morning,
+      he would quit the place. I made up my mind he should fall into something,
+      so I began by telling dad it seemed strange to me that nobody but
+      Eyetalians could run a gondola. Dad said he could run a gondola as well as
+      any foreigner, and I told him he couldn't run a gondola for shucks, and he
+      said he would show me, so he got out of the hen house where we were
+      seated, and went back on to the pointed end of the gondola, and grabbed
+      the pole or paddle from the gondolier, and said: &ldquo;Now, Garibaldi, you go
+      inside the pup tent with Hennery, and let me punt this ark around awhile.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Garibaldi thought dad was crazy, but he gave up the pole, and just then,
+      when they were both on the extreme point of the gondola, and she was
+      wabbling some, I peeked out through the curtains and thought the fruit was
+      about ripe enough to pick, so I threw myself over to one side of the
+      gondola, and, by gosh, if dad and Garibaldi didn't both go overboard with
+      a splash, and one yell in the English language, and one in Eye-talian, and
+      I rushed out of the cabin and such a sight you never saw.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0046" id="linkimage-0046">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/193.jpg"
+       alt="Overboard, One Yell in the English Language, One In Eye-talian 193 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad retained the paddle, and had his head out of water, but nothing showed
+      above the water, where Garibaldi was except a red patch on his black
+      pants. Dad was yelling for help, and finally the gondolier got his head
+      out of the water, and said something that sounded like grinding a butcher
+      knife on a grindstone, and I yelled, too, and the gondolas began to gather
+      around us, and the two men were rescued. The gondolier had been gondoling
+      all his life and he had never been in the water before, and they thought
+      it would strike in and kill him, so they wrapped him up in blankets and
+      put him aboard his canoe, and he looked at me as though I was to blame.
+      They got a boat hook fastened in dad's pants and landed him in the
+      gondola, and he dripped all the way to our hotel, and he smelled like a
+      fish market.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked Garibaldi, on the way to the hotel, if he was counting his beads
+      when he was down under the water with nothing but his pants out of the
+      water, and he said: &ldquo;You're dam right,&rdquo; but I don't think he knew the
+      meaning of the words, because he probably wouldn't swear in the presence
+      of death. Dad just sat and shivered all the way to the hotel, but when we
+      got to our room I asked him what his idea was in jumping overboard right
+      there before folks, with his best clothes on, and he said it was all
+      Garibaldi's fault, that just as dad was getting a good grip on the paddle,
+      the gondolier heaved a long sigh, and the onions in his breath paralyzed
+      dad so he fell overboard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0047" id="linkimage-0047">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/197.jpg"
+       alt="Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do You 197 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then you don't blame your little boy, do you?&rdquo; says I, and dad looked at
+      me as he was hanging his wet shirt on a chair. &ldquo;Course not; you were
+      asleep in the cabin. But say, if I ever hear that you did tip that
+      gondola, it will go hard with you,&rdquo; but I just looked innocent, and dad
+      went on drying his shirt by a charcoal brazier and never suspected me. But
+      I am getting the worst of it, for dad and his clothes smell so much like a
+      clam bake that it makes me sick.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, old friend, you ought to close up your grocery and come over here
+      and go to Vesuvius and Pompeii with us, where we can dry our clothes by
+      the volcano, and dig in the city that was buried in hot ashes 2,000 years
+      ago. They say you can dig up mummies there that are dead ringers for you,
+      old man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, come on, and have fun with us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your friend,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes from Naples&mdash;Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls
+     the Servants to Put Out the Fire&mdash;They Have Trouble with a
+     &ldquo;Dago&rdquo; in Pompeii.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Naples, Italy.&mdash;Dear Old Partner in Crime: Well, sir, we have struck
+      a place that reminds us of home, and your old grocery store. The day we
+      got here dad and I took a walk into the poorer districts, where they throw
+      all the slops and refuse in the streets, and where nobody ever seems to
+      clean up anything and burn it. The odor was something that you cannot
+      describe without a demonstration, and after we had turned pale and started
+      to go away, dad said the smell reminded him of something at home, and
+      finally he remembered your old grocery in the sauerkraut season, early in
+      the morning, before you had aired out the place. Your ears must have
+      burned when we were talking about you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you want to get an idea of Naples, at its worst, go down into your
+      cellar and round up all the codfish, onions, kraut, limburger cheese,
+      kerosene, rotten potatoes, and everything that is dead, put it all in a
+      bushel basket, and just before the Health officers come to pull your
+      place, get down on your knees and put your head down in the basket, and
+      let some one sit on your head all the forenoon, and you will have just
+      such a half day as dad and I had in the poor quarter of Naples, and it
+      will not cost you half as much as it did us, unless, after you have
+      enjoyed yourself in your cellar with your head in the basket, you decide
+      to have a run of sickness and hire a doctor who will charge you the price
+      of a trip to Europe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, Naples is a dandy, in its clean part. The bay of Naples is a
+      dead ringer for Milwaukee bay, in shape and beauty, but Milwaukee lacks
+      Vesuvius and Pompeii, for suburbs, and she lacks the customary highwaymen
+      to hold you up. Every man, woman and child we have met makes a living out
+      of the tourists, and nobody that I have seen works at any other business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0048" id="linkimage-0048">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/201.jpg" alt="Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We woke up the first morning and dad looked out the window and saw
+      Vesuvius belching forth flame and lava and stone fences, and wanted to
+      turn in a fire alarm, but I told him that that fire had been raging ever
+      since the Christian era, and was not one of these incendiary barn
+      burnings, but he opened the window and yelled fire, and the porters and
+      chambermaids came running to our room, with buckets of water, and wanted
+      to know where the fire was. Dad pointed out of the window towards Vesuvius
+      and said: &ldquo;Some hired girl has been starting a fire with kerosene, in that
+      shanty on the knoll out there, and the whole ranch will burn if you don't
+      turn out the fire department, you gosh blasted lazy devils. Get a move on
+      and help carry out the furniture.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, they calmed dad, and then I had to go to work and post dad up on the
+      geography he had forgotten, and finally he remembered seeing a picture of
+      a volcano or burning mountain in his geography 50 years ago, but he told
+      me he never believed there was a volcano in the world, but that he always
+      thought they put those pictures in geographies to make them sell. How a
+      man can attain the prominence and position in the business world that dad
+      has, and not know any more than he does, is what beats me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course, you know, having kept a grocery since the war, and having had
+      opportunities to study history, by the pictures on the soap boxes and
+      insurance calendars, that Nero, the Roman tyrant, after Rome was burned,
+      while he fiddled for a dance in a barn, got so accustomed to fire and
+      brimstone that he retired to Naples and touched off Vesuvius, just so he
+      could look at it. But Vesuvius, about 2,000 years ago, got to burning way
+      down in its bowels, and the fire got beyond control, and I suppose now the
+      fire is away down in the center of the earth, and you know when you get
+      down in the earth below the crust, on which we live and raise potatoes,
+      everything is melted, like iron in a foundry, and Vesuvius is the spigot
+      through which the fluid comes to the surface. You see, don't you?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just imagine that this earth is a barrel of beer, which you can understand
+      better than anything else, and it is being shaken up by being hauled
+      around on wagons and cars, and is straining to get out, then a bartender
+      drives a spigot into the bung, turns the thumb piece, and the pent-up beer
+      comes out foaming and squirting, and there you are.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of beer, Vesuvius is loaded with lava, that runs like molasses,
+      and when it is cold it is indigestible as a cold buckwheat cake, and you
+      can make it up into jewelry, that looks like maple sugar and smells like a
+      fire in a garbage crematory. Besides the lava there are stones as big as a
+      house that are thrown up by the sea-sickness of the earth, as it heaves
+      and pants, and then the ashes that come out of the crater at times would
+      make you think that what they need there is to have a chimney sweep go
+      down and brush out the flues.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0049" id="linkimage-0049">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/204.jpg" alt="Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      To get an idea of what a nuisance the ashes from the crater are to the
+      cities on the plain below, you remember the time you were out in your back
+      yard splitting boxes for kindling wood and my chum and I threw a pail of
+      ashes over the fence, and accidentally it went all over you, about four
+      inches thick. That time you got mad and threw cucumbers at us, when we ran
+      down the alley. Keep that in your mind and you can understand the
+      destruction of Pompeii, when Vesuvius, thousands of years ago, coughed up
+      hot ashes and covered the town 40 feet deep with hot stuff, and killed
+      every living thing, and petrified and preserved the whole business, and
+      made a prairie on top of a town, and everybody eventually forgot that
+      there had ever been a town there, for about 2,000 years. If my chum and I
+      had not run out of ashes we would have buried you so deep in your back
+      yard that you would have been petrified with your hatchet, and when they
+      excavated the premises a thousand years later they would have found your
+      remains and put you in a museum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, a couple of hundred years ago a peasant was sinking a well down in
+      the ashes, and he struck a petrified barroom, with a bartender standing
+      behind the bar in the act of serving some whisky 2,000 years old, and the
+      peasant located a claim there, and the authorities took possession of the
+      prairie and have been digging the town out ever since, looking for more of
+      that 2,000-year-old whisky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I told dad about what they were finding at the ruins of Pompeii, and
+      how you were liable to find gold and diamonds and petrified women, he
+      wanted to go and dig in the ashes, as he said it would be more exciting
+      than raking over the dumping grounds in Chicago for tin cans and lumps of
+      coal, and so we hired a hack and went to the buried town, but dad insisted
+      on carrying an umbrella, so if Vesuvius belched any more ashes he could
+      protect himself. Gee, but from what I have seen at that old ruin, a man
+      would need an umbrella made of corrugated iron to keep from being buried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0050" id="linkimage-0050">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/207.jpg" alt="Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, when we got to Pompeii dad was for going right where they were
+      digging, but I got him to look over the streets and houses that had been
+      uncovered first, and he was paralyzed to think that a town could be
+      covered with ashes all these thousands of years, and then be uncovered and
+      find a town that would compare, in many respects, with cities of the
+      present day, with residences complete with sculpture, paintings and cut
+      marble that would skin Chicago to a finish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We went through residences that looked as rich as the Vanderbilt houses in
+      New York, baths that you could take a plunge and a swim in, if they had
+      the water, paintings that would take a premium at any horse show to-day,
+      pavements that would shame the pavements of London and Paris, and
+      petrified women that you couldn't tell from a low-necked party in
+      Washington, except that the ashes had eaten the clothes off. I guess most
+      of the people in Pompeii got away when the ashes began to rain down, for
+      they must have seen that it wasn't going to be a light shower, but a
+      deluge, 'cause they never have found many corpses. They must have run to
+      Naples, and maybe they are running yet, and you may see some of them at
+      your grocery, and if you do see anybody covered with ashes, looking for a
+      job, give them some crackers and cheese and charge it to dad, for they
+      must be hungry by this time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, do you know that some of those refugees from Pompeii went off in such
+      a hurry that they left bread baking in the ovens, and meat cooking in the
+      pots? It seems the most wonderful thing to me of anything I ever saw. We
+      went all through the streets and houses and saw ballrooms that beat
+      anything in San Francisco, and when we went into a building occupied by
+      the officers in charge of the excavations, and dad saw a telephone and an
+      electric light, he thought those things had been dug up, too, and he
+      claimed that the men who were receiving millions of dollars in royalties
+      on telephones and electric lights were frauds who were infringing on
+      Pompeii patents 2,000 years old, and he wouldn't believe me when I told
+      him that telephones and electric lights were not dug up; he said then he
+      wouldn't believe anything was dug up, but that the whole thing was a
+      put-up job to rob tourists. But when we got to a locality where the dagoes
+      were digging the ashes away from a house and were uncovering a parlor,
+      where rich things were being discovered, he saw that it was all right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose I never ought to have played such a thing on dad, but I told him
+      that anybody who saw a thing first when it came out of the ashes could
+      grab it and keep it, and just as I told him a workman threw out a shovel
+      full of ashes, just as you would throw out dirt digging for angle worms,
+      and there was a little silver urn with a lot of coins in it, and you could
+      not hold dad. He grabbed for it, the workman grabbed for it, and they went
+      down together in the ashes, and the man rolled dad over and he was a
+      sight, but the workman got the silver urn, and dad wanted to fight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0051" id="linkimage-0051">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/210.jpg"
+       alt="The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a Sight 210 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally a man with a uniform on came along and was going to arrest dad,
+      but they finally compromised by the man offering to sell the silver urn
+      and the gold coins to dad for a hundred dollars, if he would promise not
+      to open it up until he got out of Italy, and dad paid the money and
+      wrapped the urn up in a Chicago paper, and we took our hack and went back
+      to Naples on a gallop.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad could hardly wait till we got to the hotel before opening up his
+      prize, but he held out until we got to our room, when he unwrapped the urn
+      to count his ancient gold coins. Well, you'd a-died to see dad's face when
+      he opened that can. It was an old tomato can that had been wrought out
+      with a hammer so it looked like hammered silver, and when he emptied the
+      gold coins out on the table there was a lot of brass tags that looked like
+      dog license tags, and baggage checks and brass buttons. I had to throw
+      water on dad to bring him to, and then he swore he would kill the dago
+      that sold him the treasure from the ruins of Pompeii. It was a great blow
+      to dad, and he has bought a dirk knife to kill the dago. To-morrow we take
+      in Vesuvius, and when we come down from the crater we go to Pompeii and
+      kill the dago in his tracks. Dad may cause Vesuvius to belch again with
+      hot ashes, and cover the ruins of Pompeii, but if he can't turn on the
+      ashes, the knife will do the business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius&mdash;A Chicago Lady Joins
+     the Party and Causes Trouble.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Naples, Italy.&mdash;Siegnor ze Grocerino: I guess that will make you
+      stand without hitching for a little while. Say, I am getting so full of
+      dead languages, and foreign palaver, that I shall have to have an
+      operation on my tongue when I get home before I can speel the United
+      States language again so you can make head or tail of it. You see, I don't
+      stay long enough in a country to acquire its language, but I get a few
+      words into my system, so now my English is so mixed with French words,
+      Italian garlic and German throat trouble that I cannot understand myself
+      unless I look in a glass and watch the motions of my lips. Dad has not
+      picked up a word of any foreign language, and says he should consider
+      himself a traitor to his country if he tried to talk anything but English.
+      He did get so he could order a glass of beer by holding up his finger and
+      saying &ldquo;ein,&rdquo; but he found later that just holding up his finger without
+      saying &ldquo;ein&rdquo; would bring the beer all the same so he cut out the language
+      entirely and works his finger until it needs a rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I used to study my geography at the little red schoolhouse, and look
+      at the picture of the volcano Vesuvius, and read about how it would throw
+      up red-hot lava, and ashes, and rocks as big as a house, and wipe out
+      cities, it looked so terrible to me that I was glad when we got through
+      with the volcano lesson, and got to Greenland's icy mountains, where there
+      was no danger except being frozen to death, or made sick by eating blubber
+      sliced off of whales.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I never expected to be right on the very top of that volcano,
+      throwing stones down in the lava, and sailing chips down the streams of
+      hot stuff, just as I sailed chips on ice water at home-when the streets
+      were flooded by spring rains. Say, there is no more danger on Vesuvius
+      than there is in a toboggan slide, or shooting the chutes at home. I
+      thought we would have to hire dagoes to carry us up to the top, and be
+      robbed and held up, and may be murdered, but it is just as easy as going
+      up in the elevator of a skyscraper, and no more terrifying than sitting on
+      a 50-cent seat in a baseball park at home and witnessing the &ldquo;Destruction
+      of Pompeii&rdquo; by a fireworks display
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The crater looks sort of creepy, like a big cauldron kettle boiling soap
+      on a farm, only it is bigger, and down in the earth's bowels you can well
+      believe there is trouble, and if you believe in a hell, you can get it,
+      illustrated proper, but the rivulets of lava that flow out of the wrinkles
+      around the mouth of the crater are no more appalling than making fudges
+      over a gas stove. When the lava cools you would swear it was fudges, only
+      you can't eat the lava and get indigestion as you can eating fudges.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was hard work to get dad to go up on the volcano, because he said he
+      knew he would fall into it, and get his clothes burned, and he said he
+      couldn't climb clear to the top, on account of his breath being short, but
+      when I told him he could ride up on a trolley car, and have the volcano
+      brought right to him, he weakened, and one morning we left Naples early
+      and before two hours had passed we were on a little cogwheel railroad
+      going up, and dad was looking down on the scenery, expecting every minute
+      the cogs would slip and we would cut loose and go down all in a heap and
+      be plastered all over the vineyards and big trees and be killed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I don't know what makes dad so nervous, but he wanted a woman from
+      Chicago, who was on the car with us, to hold his hand all the way up, but
+      she said she was no nurse in a home for the aged, and she said she would
+      cuff dad if he didn't let go of her. I told her she better not get dad mad
+      if she knew what was good for her, for he was a regular Bluebeard, and
+      wouldn't take no slack from no Chicago female, 'cause he had buried nine
+      wives already. So she held his hand, and I guess she thinks she will be my
+      stepmother, but I bet she don't.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, after we got almost to the top the car stopped, and we had to walk
+      the rest of the way, several hundred feet, and we had to have a pusher and
+      a putter for dad, a dago to go ahead and pull him up, and another to put
+      his shoulder against dad's pants and shove. Gee, but it was a picture to
+      see dad &ldquo;go up old baldhead,&rdquo; with the dagoes perspiring and swearing at
+      dad for being so heavy, and the Chicago woman laughing, and me pushing her
+      up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0052" id="linkimage-0052">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/214.jpg"
+       alt="It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old Baldhead 214 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One thing that scared dad was that every little way there was a shrine,
+      where the guides left dad lying on the ground, blocked with a piece of
+      cold lava, so he wouldn't roll down, like you would block a wagon wheel,
+      and they would go to the shrine and kneel and say some prayers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad was afraid they were going to charge the prayers in the bill for
+      pushing him up, but I told dad that these people expected every time they,
+      went up to the top that it would be their last trip, as they knew that
+      some day the volcano would open in a new place and swallow them whole,
+      with all the tourists. Then he gave them a dollar apiece to pray for him,
+      and wanted to go back down the mountain and let Vesuvius run its own
+      fireworks, but the Chicago lady told dad to brace up and she would protect
+      him, and so the guides gave a few more pushes, and we were on top of the
+      volcano, and dad collapsed and had to be brought to with smelling salts
+      and whisky that the woman carried in her pistol pocket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but it was worth all the trouble to get up the mountain, to see the
+      sight that opened up. The hole in the mountain filled with boiling stuff
+      was worth the price of admission, and the roaring of the boiling stuff,
+      and the explosions way down cellar, and the flying stones, the smoke going
+      into the air for a mile, like the burning of an oil well, the red-hot lava
+      finding crevices to leak through, and flowing down the side of the
+      mountain in streams like hot maple sirup, made a scene thai caused us to
+      take off our hats and thank the good Lord that the thing hadn't overflowed
+      enough to hurt us. But I could see dad was scared, 'cause when I wanted
+      him to go around the edge of the crater with me, and see the hell-roaring
+      free show from other points of view, and see where the hot ashes years ago
+      rolled down and covered Pompeii and Herculaneum, he balked and said he had
+      seen all he wanted to, and if he could stay alive until the next car went
+      down the mountain, they could all have his interest in Vesuvius, and be
+      darned to them, but he said if I wanted to go around looking for trouble,
+      he would stay there under a big rock, with the Chicago lady, and wait for
+      me to come back. She said she knew dad was all tired out, and needed rest,
+      and she would stay with him, and keep him cheered up; so I left them and
+      went off with one of the dagoes, to slide down hill on some flowing lava,
+      and pick up specimens.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I wish I could get along some way without telling the rest of
+      this sad story, but if I am going to be a historian I have got to tell the
+      whole blame thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0053" id="linkimage-0053">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/217.jpg" alt="And She Was Stroking his Hair 217 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      When I left dad and the Chicago woman she had produced a lunch from
+      somewhere about her person, and a small bottle, and they were eating and
+      drinking, and dad was laughing more natural than I had seen him laugh
+      since we run over the old woman with the automobile at Nice, and she was
+      smiling on dad just as though she was his sweetheart. (As I went around
+      the crater, a couple of blocks away, I looked back and dad had laid his
+      head in her lap, and she was stroking his hair. )
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I picked up specimens, burned the soles off my shoes wading in the
+      lava, and took in the volcano from all sides, and after an hour I went
+      back to where dad and the woman were lunching, but the woman was gone, and
+      dad acted as though he had been hit by an express train, his eyes were
+      wild, his collar was gone, his pocketbook was on the ground, empty, his
+      coat was gone, his scarf-pin had disappeared and the $11 watch he bought
+      when he was robbed the other time was missing, and dad's tongue was run
+      out, and he was yelling for water. I thought he had been trying to drink
+      some lava.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0054" id="linkimage-0054">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/223.jpg" alt="He Was Yelling for Water 223 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dad, what in the world has happened to you?&rdquo; said I, as I rushed up to
+      him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That woman has happened to me, that is all,&rdquo; said dad, as he took a
+      swallow of water out of a canteen one of the dagoes had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tell me about it, dad,&rdquo; said I, trying to keep from laughing, when I saw
+      that he was not hurt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say, let this be a lesson to you,&rdquo; said dad, &ldquo;and don't you steer another
+      woman to me on this trip. Do you know you hadn't more than got around that
+      big rock when she said she was tired and was going to faint, for the
+      altitude was too high for her, and I tried to soothe her, and she did look
+      pale, and, by gosh, I thought she was going to die on my hands, and I
+      would have to carry her corpse down the mountain. I heard a scuffling on
+      the rocks, and she looked up and saw a man not ten feet away, and she
+      said: 'Me husband!' and then she fainted and grabbed me around the neck,
+      and I couldn't get her loose. She just froze to me like a person drowning,
+      and that husband of hers, who had come up on the last car, hunting for his
+      wife, who had eloped, pulled a long blue gun and told me he would give me
+      five minutes to pray, and then he would kill me and throw my body down in
+      the creater, to sizzle.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0055" id="linkimage-0055">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/220.jpg" alt="Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I told him I could pay up enough ahead in three minutes, and he could
+      take all I had if he would loosen up his wife, and bring her to, and take
+      her away, and let me die all alone, and let the buzards eat me, uncooked.
+      He took the bet, pulled her arms away from my throat, took my money and
+      coat, brought her to, and said he was going to throw her into the crater,
+      but I told him she had certainly been good to me, and if he would spare
+      her life, and take her away in the cars, he could have my watch and
+      scarfpin, and he took them, and they went to the cars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She looked back at me with the saddest face I ever saw, and said: 'O,
+      sir, it is all a terrible dream, and I will see you in Naples, and explain
+      all,' and now, by Christmas, I want to go back to town and find her, and
+      rescue her from that jealous husband,&rdquo; and dad got up and we started for
+      the car.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man and his wife went down on the car ahead of us, and dad wouldn't
+      believe they were regular bunko people, who play that game everyday on
+      some old sucker, but the man that runs the car told me so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can be responsible for dad in everything except the women he meets. When
+      it comes to women, your little Hennery don't know the game at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children&mdash;Dad Is
+     Chased by Lions from the Coliseum&mdash;&ldquo;Not Any More Rome for
+     Papa,&rdquo; Says Dad.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Rome, Italy.&mdash;My Dear Old &ldquo;Pard:&rdquo; Well, sir, if you could see me now,
+      you wouldn't know me, because foreign travel has broadened me out so I can
+      talk on any subject, and people of my age look upon me as an authority,
+      and they surround me everywhere I go and urge me to talk. The fact that
+      the boys and girls do not understand a word I say makes no difference.
+      They do not wear many clothes here, and there is no style about them, and
+      when they see me with a whole suit of clothes on, and a hat and shoes and
+      socks, and a scarf-pin on my necktie, they think I must be an Americano
+      that is too rich for any use, or something that ranks with a prince at
+      least, and the boys delight to be with me and do errands for me, and the
+      girls seem to be in love with me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is no way you can tell if a girl is in love with you, except that
+      she looks at you with eyes that are as black as coal, and they seem to
+      burn a hole right into your insides, and when they take hold of your hand
+      they hang on and squeeze like alamand-left in a dance at home, and they
+      snug up to you and are as warm and cheerful as a gas stove.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0056" id="linkimage-0056">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/227.jpg" alt="It Brought on a Revolution 227 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, I sat on a bench in a plaza with a girl about my age, for an hour,
+      while the other girls and boys sat on the ground and looked at us in
+      admiration, and when I put my arm around her and kissed her on her pouting
+      lips, it brought on a revolution. An Italian soldier policeman took me by
+      the neck and threw me across the street, the girl scratched me with her
+      finger nails and bit me, and yelled some grand hailing sign of distress,
+      her brother and a ragged boy that was in love with the girl and was
+      jealous, drew daggers, and the whole crowd yelled murder, and I started
+      for our hotel on a run, and the whole population of Rome seemed to follow
+      me, and I might as well have been a negro accused of crime in the states.
+      I thought they would burn me at the stake, but dad came out of the hotel
+      and threw a handful of small change into the crowd, and it was all off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After they picked up the coin they beckoned me to come out and play some
+      more, but not any more for little Hennery. I have been in love in all
+      countries where we have traveled, and in all languages, but this Italian
+      love takes the whole bakery, and I do not go around any more without a
+      chaperone. The girls are ragged and wear shawls over their heads, and
+      there are holes in their dresses and their skin isn't white, like American
+      girls', but is what they call olive complexion, like stuffed olives you
+      buy in bottles, stuffed with cayenne pepper, but the girls are just like
+      the cayenne pepper, so warm that you want to throw water on yourself after
+      they have touched you. Gee, but I wouldn't want to live in a climate where
+      girls were a torrid zone, 'cause I should melt, like an icicle that drops
+      in a stove, and makes steam and blows up the whole house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, old man, you talk about churches, but you don't know anything about
+      it. Dad and I went to St. Peter's in Rome, and it is the grandest thing in
+      the world. Say, the Congregational church at home, which we thought so
+      grand, could be put in one little corner of St. Peter's, and would look
+      like 30 cents. St. Peter's covers ground about half a mile square, and
+      when you go inside and look at grown people on the other side of it, they
+      look like flies, and the organ is as big as a block of buildings in
+      Chicago, and when they blow it you think the last day has come, and yet
+      the music-is as sweet as a melodeon, and makes you want to get down on
+      your knees with all the thousands of good Christians of Italy, and confess
+      that you are a fraud that ought to be arrested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I have been to all kinds of churches, everywhere, and never turned
+      a hair, but since we got to this town and got some of the prevailing
+      religion into our systems, we feel guilty, and it seems as though
+      everybody could see right into us, and that they knew we were heathen that
+      never knew there was a God. Sure thing, I never supposed there were so
+      many people in the world that worshiped their Maker, as there are here,
+      and I don't wonder that all over the world good people look to Rome for
+      the light. Dad keeps telling me that when we get home we will set an
+      example that will make people pay attention, but he says he does not want
+      to join the church until he has seen all the sights, and then he will
+      swear off for good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said to me yesterday: &ldquo;Now, Hennery, I have been to all the pious
+      places with you, the pope's residence, the catacombs and St. Peter's,
+      where they preach from 40 different places and make you feel like giving
+      up your sins, and I have looked at carvings and decorations and marble and
+      jewels and seen the folly of my ways of life, and I am ripe for a change,
+      but before I give up the world and all of its wickedness, I want blood. I
+      want to go to the other extreme, and see the wild beasts at the Coliseum
+      tear human beings limb from limb, and drink their blood, and see
+      gladiators gladiate, and chop down their antagonists, and put one foot on
+      their prostrate necks, like they do in the theaters, and then I am ready
+      to leave this town and be good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I have been in lots of tight places before, but this one beat
+      the band. Here was my dad, who did not know that the Roman, gladiator
+      business had been off the boards for over 2,000 years, that the eating of
+      human prisoners by wild beasts in the presence of the Roman populace was
+      played out, and that the Coliseum was a ruin and did not exist as a place
+      of amusement. He thought everything that he had read about the horrors of
+      a Roman holiday was running to-day, as a side show, and he wanted to see
+      it, and I had encouraged him in his ideas, because he was nervous, and I
+      didn't want to undeceive him. He had come to Rome to see things he
+      couldn't find at home, and it was up to me to deliver the goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but it made me sweat, 'cause I knew if dad did not get a show for his
+      money he would lay it up against me, so I told him we would go to the
+      Coliseum that night and see the hungry lions and tigers eat some of the
+      leading citizens, just as they did when Caesar run the show. Then I found
+      an American from Chicago at the hotel, who sells soap in Rome, and told
+      him what dad expected of me in the way of amusement, and he said the only
+      way was to take dad out to the Coliseum, and in the dark roll a barrel of
+      broken glass down the tiers of seats and make him believe there was an
+      earthquake that had destroyed the Coliseum, and that the lions and tigers
+      were all loose, looking for people to eat, and scare dad and make a run
+      back to town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0057" id="linkimage-0057">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/230.jpg"
+       alt="What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of Amusement 230 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I didn't want to play such a scandalous trick on dad, but the Chicago man
+      said that was the only way out of it, and he could get a barrel of broken
+      glass for a dollar, and hire four ruffians that could roar like lions for
+      a few dollars, and it would give dad good exercise, and may be save him
+      from a run of Roman fever, 'cause there was nothing like a good sweat to
+      knock the fever out of a fellow's system. The thing struck me as not only
+      a good experience for dad, but a life saver, so I whacked up the money,
+      and the Chicago soap man did the rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After dark we went out to the ruin of the Coliseum, where a great many
+      tourists go to look at the ruins by moonlight, and dad was as anxious and
+      bloodthirsty as a young surgeon cutting up his first &ldquo;stiff.&rdquo; When we got
+      to the right place, and I told dad we were a little early, because the
+      nobility were not in their seats, the villains began to roar three
+      dollars' worth like hungry lions, and dad turned a little pale and said
+      that sounded like the real thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told him we better not get too near, because we were not accustomed to
+      seeing live men chewed up by beasts, and dad said he didn't care how near
+      we got, as long as they chewed and tore to pieces the natives; so we
+      started to work up a little nearer, when there was a noise such as I never
+      heard before, as the hogshead of broken glass began to roll down the tiers
+      of stone seats, and I fell over on the ground, and pushed dad, and he went
+      over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus, and yelled that he was
+      stabbed with a dirk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0058" id="linkimage-0058">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/233.jpg"
+       alt="Went over in the Sand and Struck his Pants on a Cactus 233 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I got up and fell down again, and just then the Chicago soap man came up
+      on a gallop, followed by the villains playing lion and tiger, and dad
+      asked the Chicago man what seemed to be the matter, and he said: &ldquo;Matter
+      enough; there has been an earthquake, and the Coliseum has fallen down,
+      killing more than 10,-000 Romans, and the animals' cages are busted and
+      the animals are loose, looking for fresh meat, and we better get right
+      back to Rome, too quick, or we will be eaten alive. Come on if you are
+      with me. Do you hear the lions after us?&rdquo; said he, as the hired villains
+      roared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0059" id="linkimage-0059">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/235.jpg" alt="He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, you'd a died to see dad get up out of that prickly cactus and take
+      the lead for good old Rome. I didn't know he was such a sprinter, but we
+      trailed along behind, roaring like lions and snarling like tigers and
+      yip-yapping like hyenas and barking like timber wolves, and we couldn't
+      see dad for the dust, on that moonlight night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We slowed up and let dad run ahead, and he got to the hotel first, and we
+      paid off the villains, and finally we went in the hotel and found dad in
+      the bar-room puffing and drinking a high-ball. &ldquo;Pretty near hell, wasn't
+      it,&rdquo; said dad, to the soap man. &ldquo;Did the lions catch anybody?&rdquo; &ldquo;O, a few
+      of the lower classes,&rdquo; said the soap man, &ldquo;but none of the nobility. The
+      nobility were in the boxes and that part of the Coliseum never falls
+      during an earthquake,&rdquo; and the soap man joined dad in a high-ball.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After dad got through puffing and had wiped about two quarts of
+      perspiration off his head and neck, and the soap man had told him what a
+      great thing it was to perspire in Rome, on account of the Roman fever,
+      that catches a man at night and kills him before morning, dad turned to me
+      and said: &ldquo;Hennery, you go pack up and we get out of this in the morning,
+      for I feel as though I had been chewed by one of those hyenas. Not any
+      more Rome for papa,&rdquo; and the high-ball party broke up, and we went to bed
+      to get sleep enough to leave town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do you know, the next morning those hired villains made the soap man and I
+      pay ten dollars extra on account of straining their lungs roaring like
+      lions? But we paid for their lungs all right, rather than have them
+      present a bill to dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, good-by, old man. We are getting all the fun there is going.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your only,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope&mdash;They Bow to the King
+     of Italy and His Nine Spots&mdash;Dad Finds That &ldquo;The Catacombs&rdquo;
+      Is Not a Comic Opera.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Rome, Italy.&mdash;Dear Old Friend: You remember, don't you when you were
+      a boy, playing &ldquo;tag, you're it,&rdquo; and &ldquo;button, button, who's got the
+      button?&rdquo; that one of the trying situations was to be judged to &ldquo;go to
+      Rome,&rdquo; which meant that you were to kiss every girl in the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0060" id="linkimage-0060">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/238.jpg" alt="Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me 238 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I never got enough &ldquo;going to Rome&rdquo; when I attended church sociables and
+      parties, but always got blindfolded, and had to kiss anybody they brought
+      to me, which was usually a boy or a colored cook, so I teased dad to take
+      me to Rome, and when he got over his being rattled and robbed and burned
+      by lava at Vesuvius, he said he didn't care where he went, and, besides, I
+      told him about the Roman Coliseum, where they turned hungry tigers and
+      lions and hyenas loose among the gladiators, and the people could see the
+      beasts eat them alive, and dad said that was something like it, as the way
+      he had been robbed and misued in Italy, he would enjoy seeing a good share
+      of the population chewed by lions, if the lions could stand it. I didn't
+      tell dad that the wild animal show had not been running for a couple of
+      thousand years, 'cause I thought he would find it out when we got here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, old man, I guess I can help you to locate Rome. You remember the time
+      I spoke a piece at the school exhibition, when I put my hand inside my
+      flannel shirt, like an orator, and said: &ldquo;And this is Rome, that sat on
+      her seven hills, and from her throne of beauty ruled the whole world.&rdquo;
+       Well, this is it, where I am now, but the seven hills have been graded
+      down, and Rome don't rule the whole world a little bit; but she has got
+      religion awful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The pope lives here, and he is the boss of more religious people than
+      anybody, and though you may belong to any other kind of church, and when
+      you are home you don't care a continental for any religion except your
+      own, or your wife's religion, and you act like an infidel, and scoff at
+      good people, when you get to Rome and see the churches thicker than
+      saloons in Milwaukee, and everybody attending church and looking pious,
+      you catch the fever, and try to forget bad things you have done, and if
+      you get a chance to see the pope, you may go to his palace just 'cause you
+      want to see everything that is going on, and you think you don't care
+      whether school keeps or not, and you feel independent, as though this
+      religion was something for weak people to indulge in, and finally you come
+      face to face with the pope, and see his beautiful face, and his grand
+      eyes, and his every movement is full of pious meaning, you &ldquo;penuk&rdquo; right
+      there, and want to kneel down and let him bless you, by gosh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, I never saw dad weaken like he did when the pope came in. We got
+      tickets to go to his reception, but dad said he had rather go to the
+      catacombs, or the lion show at the Coliseum. He said he didn't want to
+      encourage popes, because he didn't believe they amounted to any more than
+      presiding elders at home. He said he had always been a Baptist, and they
+      didn't have any popes in his church, and he didn't believe in 'em, but
+      some other Americans were going to see the pope, and dad consented to go,
+      under protest, it being understood that he didn't care two whoops, anyway.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, we went, and it was the grandest thing you ever saw. There were
+      guards by the thousand, beautiful gardens that would make Central Park
+      look like a hay marsh, hundreds of people in church vestments, and an air
+      of sanctity that we never dreamed; jewels that are never seen outside the
+      pope's residence, and we lined up to see the holy father pass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but dad trembled like a dog tied out in the snow, and the
+      perspiration stood out on his face, and he looked sorry for himself. Then
+      came the procession, all nobles and great people, and then there was a
+      party of pious men carrying the most beautiful man we ever saw on a
+      platform above us, and it was the pope, and he smiled at me, and the tears
+      came to my eyes, and I couldn't swallow something which I s'pose was my
+      sins, and then he looked at dad, and held up one hand, and dad was pale,
+      and there was no funny business about dad any more, and then they set the
+      platform down and the pope sat in a chair, and those who wanted to went up
+      to him, and he blessed them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0061" id="linkimage-0061">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/241.jpg" alt="For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, for awhile dad dassent go up, 'cause he thought the pope could see
+      right through him, and would know he was a Baptist, but the rest of the
+      Americans were going up, and dad didn't want to be eccentric, so he and I
+      went up. The pope put out his hand to dad, and instead of shaking it, as
+      he would the hand of any other man on earth, and asking how his folks
+      were, dad bent over and kissed the pope's hand, and the pope blessed him.
+      Dad looked like a new man, a good man, and when the pope put his hand on
+      my head, and blessed me, my heart came up in my throat, 'cause I thought
+      he must know of all the mean things I had ever done, but I can feel his
+      soft, beautiful hand on my head now, and from this out I would fight any
+      boy twice my size that ever said a word against the pope and his religion.
+      When we got outside dad says to me: &ldquo;Hennery, don't you ever let me hear
+      of your doing a thing that would make the good man sorry if he was to hear
+      about it.&rdquo; And we went to our hotel and stayed all the afternoon, and all
+      night, and just thought of that pope's angelic face, and when one of the
+      Americans came to our room and wanted dad to play cinch, he was indignant,
+      and said: &ldquo;I would as soon think of robbing a child's bank,&rdquo; and we went
+      to bed, and if dad wasn't a converted man I never saw one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, trouble, and sorrow, and religion, don't last very long on dad.
+      The next morning we talked things over, and I quoted all the Roman stuff I
+      could think of to dad, such as &ldquo;In that elder day, to be a Roman was
+      greater than a king,&rdquo; but before I could think twice there was a commotion
+      in the streets and a porter came and made us take off our hats, because
+      the king was riding by, and we looked at the king, and dad was hot. He
+      said that fellow was nothing but a railroad hand, disguised in a uniform,
+      and, by ginger, if we had seen that king out west working on a railroad,
+      with canvas clothes on, he would not have looked like a king, on a bet.
+      There was nothing but his good clothes that stood between the king and a
+      dago digging sewers in Chicago.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the king and his ninespots had passed, dad said: &ldquo;When you are in
+      Rome, you must do as the Romans do,&rdquo; and he said he wanted to get that
+      heavy feeling off his shoulders, which he got at the religious procession,
+      and wanted me to suggest something devilish that we could do, and I told
+      him we better go and see the &ldquo;Catacombs.&rdquo; He wanted to know if it was
+      anything like &ldquo;a trip to Chinatown,&rdquo; or the &ldquo;Black Crook,&rdquo; and I told him
+      it was worse. Then he asked me if there was much low neck and long
+      stockings in the &ldquo;Catacombs,&rdquo; and I told him there was a plenty, and he
+      said he was just ripe to see that kind of a show, and so we took a
+      carriage for the &ldquo;Catacombs,&rdquo; and dad could hardly keep still till we got
+      there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose I ought to be killed for fooling dad, but he craved for
+      excitement, and he got it. The &ldquo;Catacombs&rdquo; are where Roman citizens have
+      been buried for thousands of years, in graves hewn out of solid rock, and
+      they are petrified, and after they have laid in the graves for a few
+      hundred years, the mummified bodies are taken out and stood up in corners,
+      if the bodies will hang together, and if not the bones are piled up around
+      for scenery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had to take torches to go in, and we wandered through corridors, gazing
+      at the remains, until dad asked one of the men with us what it all meant,
+      and the man said it was the greatest show on earth. Dad began to think he
+      was nutty, and when I laughed, and said: &ldquo;That is great,&rdquo; and clapped my
+      hands, and said: &ldquo;Encore,&rdquo; dad stopped and said: &ldquo;Hennery, this is no leg
+      show, this is a morgue,&rdquo; but to cheer him up I told him his head must be
+      wrong, and I pointed to about a hundred dried corpses, a thousand years
+      old, in a corner, with grinning skulls all around, and told him that was
+      the ballet, and told him to look at the leading dancer, and asked him if
+      she wasn't a beaut, from Butte, Mont., and that killed dad. He leaned
+      against me, and said his eyes must have gone back on him, because
+      everything looked dead to him. I told him he would get over it after
+      awhile, and to stay where he was while I went and spoke to one of the
+      ballet that was beckoning to me, and I left him there, dazed, and went
+      around a corner and hid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People were coming along with torches all the time, looking at the
+      catacombs and reading the inscriptions cut in the rock, and after awhile I
+      went back to where I left dad, and he was gone, but after awhile I found
+      him standing up with the stiffs. He was glad to see me, and wanted to know
+      if I thought he was' dead. I told him I was sure he was alive, though he
+      had a deathly look on his face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0062" id="linkimage-0062">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/246.jpg"
+       alt="He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and Throw Me Into a Pile 246 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, sir,&rdquo; says dad, &ldquo;I thought it was all over with me, after you left,
+      for a man came along and moved me around, and took hold under my arms and
+      jumped me along here by these stiffs, and told me if I didn't stay where I
+      belonged he would break me up into bones, and throw me into a pile, and I
+      thought I would have to do as the Romans do and stay here, and before the
+      man left me he reached into my pocket and took my money, and said I
+      couldn't spend any money in there where I was going to stay for a million
+      years, and, by gosh, I was so petrified I couldn't stop him from robbing
+      me. Say, Hennery, they will rob you anywhere, even in the grave, and if
+      this Catacomb show is over, and the curtain has gone down, I want to get
+      out of here, and go to the Coliseum or the Roman amphitheater, where the
+      wild beasts eat people alive.&rdquo; And so we left the Catacombs and went back
+      to town, and dad began to show life again. Say, you tell the folks at home
+      that dad is gaining every day, and his vacation is doing him good. He has
+      promised to kill me for taking him to the Catacomb show, but dad never
+      harbors revenge for long, and I guess your little nephew will pull
+      through. I wish I had my skates, cause dad wants to go to Russia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble
+     They Had to Get There&mdash;Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with
+     the People and Soldiers.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      St. Petersburg, Russia.&mdash;My Dear Groceryow-ski: Well, sir, I 'spose
+      you will be surprised to hear from me in Russia, but there was no use
+      talking when Dad said he was going to St. Petersburg if it was the last
+      act of his life. He got talking with a Japaneser in Rome and the Jap said
+      the war in the far east would last until every Russian was killed, unless
+      America interfered to put a stop to it, and as Roosevelt didn't appear to
+      have sand enough to offer his services to the czar, what it needed was for
+      some representative American citizen who was brave and had nerve to go to
+      St. Petersburg and see the czarovitch and give him the benefit of a good
+      American talk. The Jap said the American who brought about peace, by a few
+      well chosen remarks, would be the greatest man of the century, and would
+      live to be bowed down to by kings and emperors and all the world would
+      doff hats to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first dad was a little leary about going on such a mission without
+      credentials from Washington, but as luck would have it, he met an exiled
+      Russian at a restaurant, who told dad that he reminded him of Gen. Grant,
+      because dad had a wart on the side of his nose, and he told dad that
+      Russia would keep on fighting until every Japanese was killed unless some
+      distinguished American should be raised up who deemed it his duty to go to
+      St. Petersburg and see the Little Father, and in the interest of humanity
+      advise the czar to call a halt before he had exterminated the whole yellow
+      race. Dad asked the Russian if he thought the czar would grant an audience
+      to an American of eminence in his own country, and the Russian told dad
+      that Nicholas just doted on Americans, and that there was hardly ever an
+      American ballet dancer that went to Russia but what the czar sent for her
+      to come and see him and dance before the grand dukes, and he always gave
+      them jewels and cans of caviar as souvenirs of their visit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0063" id="linkimage-0063">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/250.jpg"
+       alt="The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just Doted On Americans 250 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad thought it over all night, and the next morning we started for Russia
+      and I wish we had joined an expedition to discover the North Pole instead
+      of coming here. Say, it is harder to get into Russia than it would be to
+      get out of a penitentiary at home. At the frontier we were met by guards
+      on horseback and on foot, policemen, detectives and other grafters, who
+      took our passports and money, and one fellow made me exchange my socks
+      with him. Then they imprisoned us in a stable with some cows until they
+      could hold a coroner's inquest on our passports and divide our money. We
+      slept with the cows the first night in Russia, and I do not want to sleep
+      again with animals that chew cuds all night, and get up half a dozen times
+      to hump up their backs and stretch and bellow. We never slept a wink, and
+      could look out through the cracks in the stable and see the guards shaking
+      dice for our money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0064" id="linkimage-0064">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/253.jpg"
+       alt="See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money 253 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally they looked at the great seal on our passports and saw it was an
+      American document, and they began to turn pale, as pale as a Russian can
+      get without using soap, and when I said, &ldquo;Washington, embassador, minister
+      plenipotentiary, Roosevelt, Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight, E Pluribus
+      Unum, whoopla, San Juan Hill,&rdquo; and pointed to dad, who was just coming out
+      of the stable, looking like Washington at Valley Forge, the guards and
+      other robbers bowed to dad, gave him a bag full of Russian money in place
+      of that which they had taken away, and let us take a freight train for St.
+      Petersburg, and they must have told the train men who we were, because
+      everybody on the cars took off their hats to us, and divided their lunch
+      with us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad could not understand the change in the attitude of the people towards
+      us until I told him that they took him for a distinguished American
+      statesman, and that as long as we were in Russia he must try to look like
+      George Washington and act like Theodore Roosevelt, so every little while
+      dad would stand up in the aisle of the car and pose like George Washington
+      and when anybody gave him a sandwich or a cigarette he would show his
+      teeth and say, &ldquo;Deelighted,&rdquo; and all the way to St. Petersburg dad carried
+      out his part of the programme and we were not robbed once on the trip, but
+      dad tried to smoke one of the cigarettes that was given him by a Cossack,
+      and he died in my arms, pretty near.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They make cigarettes out of baled hay that has been used for beddings and
+      covered with paper that has been used to poison flies. I never smelled
+      anything so bad since they fumigated our house by the board of health
+      after the hired girl had smallpox.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we got to St. Petersburg in an awful time, and went to a hotel,
+      suspected by the police, and marked as undesirable guests by the Cossacks,
+      and winked at by the walking delegates and strikers, who thought we were
+      non-union men looking for their jobs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next day the religious ceremony of &ldquo;blessing the Neva&rdquo; took place,
+      where all the population gets out on the bank of the river, with overshoes
+      on, and fur coats, and looks down on the river, covered with ice four feet
+      thick, and the river is blessed. In our country the people would damn a
+      river that had ice four feet thick, but in Russia they bless anything that
+      will stand it. We got a good place on the bank of the river, with about a
+      million people who had sheepskin coats on, and who steamed like a sheep
+      ranch, and were enjoying the performance, looking occasionally at the
+      Winter palace, where the czar was peeking out of a window, wondering from
+      which direction a bomb would come to blow him up, when a battery of
+      artillery across the river started to fire a salute, and then the devil
+      was to pay. It seems that the gentlemen who handled the guns, and who were
+      supposed to fire blank cartridges into the air, put in loaded cartridges,
+      filled with grape shot, and took aim at the Winter palace, and cut loose
+      at Mr. Czar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, you would have been paralyzed to see the change that came over that
+      crowd, blessing the river one minute and damning the czar and the grand
+      dukes the next. The shot went into the Winter palace and tore the
+      furniture and ripped up the ceiling of the room the czar was in, and in a
+      moment all was chaos, as though every Russian knew the czar was to be
+      assassinated at that particular moment, and all rushed toward the Winter
+      palace as though they expected pieces of the Little Father would be thrown
+      out the window for them to play football with. For a people who are
+      supposed to be lawful and law-abiding, and who love their rulers, it
+      seemed strange to see them all so tickled when they thought he was blown
+      higher than a kite by his own soldiers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I started with the crowd for the Winter palace, and then we had a
+      taste of monarchial government. The crowd was rushing over us and dad got
+      mad and pulled off his coat and said he could whip any confounded
+      foreigner that rubbed against him with a sheepskin coat on, and he was
+      just on the point of smiting a fellow with whiskers that looked like
+      scrambled bristles off a black hog when a regiment of Cossacks came down
+      on the crowd, riding horses like a wild west show, and with whips in their
+      hands, with a dozen lashes to each whip, and they began to lash the crowd
+      and ride over them, while the people covered their faces with their arms,
+      and run away, afraid of the whips, which cut and wound and kill, as each
+      lash has little lead bullets fastened to them and a stroke of the whip is
+      like being shot with buck shot or kicked with a frozen boot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0065" id="linkimage-0065">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/258.jpg"
+       alt="A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed Him over The Back 258 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, dad was going to show the Cossacks that he was pretty near an
+      American citizen and didn't propose to be whipped like a school boy by a
+      teacher that looked like a valentine, so he tried to look like George
+      Washington defying the British, but it didn't work, for a Cossack rode
+      right up to him and lashed him over the back (and about 15 buck shot in
+      his whip took dad right where the pants are tight when you bend over to
+      pick up something) and the Cossack laughed when dad straightened up and
+      started to run. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad. He
+      started for our hotel, and as good a sprinter as I am I couldn't keep up
+      with him, but I kept him in sight. Before we got to the hotel a sledge
+      came along, not an &ldquo;old sledge,&rdquo; such as you play with cards,
+      high-low-Jack-game, but a sort of a sleigh, with three horses abreast, and
+      I yelled to dad to take a hitch on the sledge, and he grabbed on with his
+      feet on the runners, and a man in the sledge with a uniform on, who seemed
+      to be a grand duke, 'cause everybody was chasing him and yelling to head
+      him off, hit dad in the nose with the butt of a revolver, and dad fell off
+      in the snow and the crowd that was chasing the grand duke picked dad up
+      and carried him on their shoulders because they thought he had tried to
+      assassinate the duke, and we were escorted to our hotel by the strikers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0066" id="linkimage-0066">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/255.jpg"
+       alt="Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a Revolver 255 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We didn't know what they were, but you can tell the laboring men here
+      because they wear blouses and look hungry, and when they left us the
+      landlord notified the police that suspicious characters were at the hotel,
+      and came there escorted by the mob, and the police surrounded the house
+      and dad went to our room and used witch hazel on himself where the Cossack
+      hit him with the loaded whip. He says Russia will pay pretty dear for that
+      stroke of the whip by the Cossack, and I think dad is going to join the
+      revolution that is going to be pulled off next Sunday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They are going to get about a million men to take a petition to the czar,
+      workingmen and anarchists, and dad says he is going as an American
+      anarchist who is smarting from injustice, and I guess no native is
+      smarting more than dad is, 'cause he has to stand up to eat and lie on his
+      stummick to sleep. There is going to be a hades of a time here in St.
+      Petersburg this next week, and dad and I are going to be in it clear up to
+      our necks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad has given up trying to see the czar about stopping the war and says
+      the czar and the whole bunch can go plum (to the devil) and he will die
+      with the mob and follow a priest who is stirring the people to revolt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, I hope dad will not get killed here and be buried in a trench with a
+      thousand Russians, smelling as they do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I met a young man from Chicago, who is here selling reapers for the
+      harvester trust, and he says if you are once suspected of having sympathy
+      with the working people who are on a strike you might just as well say
+      your prayers and take rough on rats, 'cause the Cossacks will get you, and
+      he would advise me and dad to get out of here pretty quick, but when I
+      told dad about it he put one hand on his heart and the other on his pants
+      and said &ldquo;Arnica, arnica, arnica!&rdquo; and the police that were on guard near
+      his room thought he meant anarchy, and they sent four detectives to stay
+      in dad's room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The people here, the Chicago young man told me, think the Cossacks are
+      human hyenas, that they have had their hearts removed by a surgical
+      operation when young, and a piece of gizzard put in in place of the heart,
+      and that they are natural murderers, the sight of blood acting on them the
+      same as champagne on a human being, and that but for the Cossacks Russia
+      would have a population of loving subjects that would make it safe for the
+      Little Father to go anywhere in Russia unattended, but with Cossacks ready
+      to whip and murder and laugh at suffering, the people are becoming like
+      men bitten by rabid dogs, and they froth at the mouth and have spasms and
+      carry bombs up their sleeves, ready to blow up the members of the royal
+      family, and there you are.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you do not hear from me after next Sunday you can put dad's obituary
+      and mine in the local papers and say we died of an overdose of Cossack. If
+      we get through this revolution alive you will hear from me, but this is
+      the last revolution I am going to attend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints&mdash;The Bad Boy
+     Arranges a Wolf Hunt&mdash;Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the
+     Wolves.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      St. Petersburg, Russia.&mdash;My Dear Grocery-witz: Well, sir, dad and I
+      have got too much of Russia the quickest of any two tourists you ever
+      heard of. That skirmish we saw, the day the Russians blessed the Neva, and
+      shot blank cartridges filled with old iron at the czar, was not a marker
+      to the trouble the next Sunday, when the working people marched to the
+      Winter Palace, to present a petition to the &ldquo;Little Father.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      We thought a revolution was like a play, and that it would be worth going
+      miles to see. Dad was in South America once when there was a revolution,
+      where more than a dozen greasers, with guns that wouldn't shoot, put on a
+      dozen different kinds of uniforms, and yelled: &ldquo;Down with the government,&rdquo;
+       and frothed at the mouth, and drank buttermilk and yelled Spanish swear
+      words, and acted brave, until a native soldier with white pajamas came out
+      with a gun and shot one of the revolutionists in the thumb, when the
+      revolution was suppressed and the next day the revolutionists were
+      pounding stone, with cannon balls chained to their legs; and dad thought a
+      revolution in Russia would be something like that, and that we could get
+      on a front porch and watch it as it went by, and joke with the revolution,
+      and throw confetti, like it was a carnival, but that Sunday that the
+      Russian revolution was begun, we had enough blood to last us all our
+      lives.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We got a place sitting on an iron picket fence, and we saw the people
+      coming up the street towards the Winter Palace, dressed mostly in blouses,
+      and looking as innocent as a crowd of sewer diggers at home going up to
+      the city hall to ask for a raise in wages of two shillings a day. Nobody
+      had a gun, and no one would have known how to use a gun, and all looked
+      like poor people going to prayers. There were troops everywhere, and every
+      soldier acted as though he was afraid something would happen to spoil
+      their chance of killing anybody. The snow on the streets was clean and as
+      white as the wings of a peace dove, and dad said the show was no better
+      than a parade of laboring men at home on Labor day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suddenly some officer yelled to the parade to stop, and the priest at the
+      head of the procession, who was carrying a cross, slowed up a little, like
+      the drum major of a band when the populace at home begins to throw eggs,
+      but they kept on, and then the shooting began, and in a minute men, women
+      and children were rolling in the snow, bleeding and dying, the marchers
+      were too stunned to run, and the deadly guns kept on spitting fire, and
+      the street was full of dead and dying, and then the Cossacks rode over the
+      dead and sabered and knouted the living, and as the snow was patched with
+      red blood, dad fainted away and fell off the picket fence, and hung by one
+      pant leg, which caught on a picket, and crowds rushed in every direction,
+      and it was an hour before I could get a drosky to haul dad to the hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0067" id="linkimage-0067">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/265.jpg" alt="Hung by One Pant Leg 265 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad collapsed when he got to the hotel, and I got a doctor and a nurse,
+      and for two days I had to watch the revolution alone, while dad had fits
+      of remorse 'cause he brought me to such a charnel house, he said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, if you ever go anywhere, traveling for pleasure, do not go to
+      Russia, because it is the saddest place on earth. I have seen no person
+      smile or laugh in all the ten days we have been here, except a Cossack
+      when he run a saber through a little girl, and his laugh was like the
+      coyote on the prairie when he captures a little lamb. The people look
+      either heart-broken or snarly, like the people confined in an insane
+      asylum at home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The czar, who a week ago was loved by the people, who believed if they
+      went to him, as to their God, and appealed for guidance, is to-day hated
+      by all, and instead of &ldquo;Nicholas the Good,&rdquo; since he scampered away to a
+      castle in the country, and crawled under a bed, all the people call him
+      &ldquo;the Little Jack Rabbit,&rdquo; and his fate is sealed, as a bomb will blow him
+      into pieces so small they will have to be swept up in a dustpan for
+      burial, maybe before dad and I can get out of Russia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Going to St. Petersburg for a pleasant outing is a good deal like visiting
+      the Chicago stockyards to watch the bloody men kill the cattle, and the
+      butchers in the stockyards, calloused against any feeling for suffering
+      animals, are like the soldiers here who shoot down their neighbors because
+      they are hired to do so. The murder of those unarmed working men, that
+      Sunday, has changed a helpless, pleading people into anarchists with
+      deadly bombs in their blouses, where they were accustomed to carry black
+      bread to sustain life, and with the menace of Japan in the far east and an
+      outraged people at home, Russia is in a bad way, and if I was the czar or
+      a grand duke, I would find a woodchuck hole and arrange with the woodchuck
+      for a furnished flat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I didn't think there was going to be anything going on in Russia except
+      bloodshed and bombs, and things to make you sorry that you were here, and
+      I was willing to take chloroform and let them carry me home in a box, with
+      my description on the cover, until the doctor told me that dad was in a
+      condition of nervousness, that he needed something to happen to get his
+      mind off of the awful scenes he had witnessed, and asked me if I couldn't
+      think of something to excite him and wake him up, and then dad said, after
+      he got so he could go out doors: &ldquo;Hennery, you have always been Johnny on
+      the spot when I needed diversion, and I want you to take your brain apart,
+      and oil the works, and see if you can't conjure up something to get my
+      blood circulating and my pores open for business, and anything you think
+      of goes, and I swear I will not kick if you scare the boots off of me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, that was right into my hand; and I set my mind to strike at four p.
+      m. I had been out riding once with the Chicago man, in a sledge, with
+      three horses abreast, all runaway horses, and the driver was a Cossack who
+      lashed the horses into a run every smooth place he found in the road, and
+      it was like running to a fire, so I got the Chicago fellow to go with me
+      and we found the Cossack, and he was drunker than usual. There is a kind
+      of liquor here called vodka, which skins wood alcohol and carbolic acid to
+      a finish, and when a man is full of it he is so mad he wants to cut his
+      own throat. This driver had put up sideboards on his neck and had two jags
+      in one, and we hired him by the hour.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told the Chicago man the circumstances and that I had got to get dad out
+      of his trance, and he said he would help me. When I was out riding the day
+      before I noticed that the road was full of great dane dogs, wolf hounds
+      and stag hounds, which followed their master's sledges out in the country,
+      and the dogs loafed around, hungry, looking for bones, and fighting each
+      other, so I decided to get the dogs to chase our sledge and make dad think
+      we were chased by wolves. I thought that would make dad stand without
+      hitching, and it did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Chicago man bought some cannon firecrackers, and I bought a cow's
+      liver, and hitched it to a rope, and hid it in the back seat, and my
+      Chicago friend and I took the back seat, and we got dad in the seat behind
+      the driver, and started about an hour before dark out in the country,
+      through a piece of woods that looked quite wolfy. On the way out the
+      driver let his horses run away a few times, like you have seen in Russian
+      pictures, and dad was beginning to sit up and take notice, and seemed to
+      act like a man who expects every minute to be thrown over a precipice and
+      mixed up with dead horses. Dad touched the driver once on the coat-tail
+      and told him not to hurry so confounded fast, and the driver thought he
+      was complaining because it was too slow, and he gave a Comanche yell and
+      threw the lines into the air, and the horses just skedaddled, and run into
+      a snow bank and tipped over the sledge, and piled us out on top of dad,
+      but dad only said: &ldquo;This is getting good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0068" id="linkimage-0068">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/269.jpg" alt="Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We righted up, and dad wanted to know where all the pups came from that we
+      had passed. I had been throwing out pieces of meat into the road for a
+      mile or so, and the dogs were having a picnic. It was getting pretty dark
+      by this time, and we started back to town, and I threw out my liver,
+      fastened to the rope, and the Chicago man, who had given the driver a
+      drink of vodka when we tipped over, told him, in Russian, that when the
+      dogs began to follow us, to get hold of the liver, to yell &ldquo;wolves,&rdquo; and
+      give the team the rein, for a five-mile run, and yell all the time,
+      because we wanted to give the old gentleman a good time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, uncle, I would have given anything if you could have seen dad, when
+      the dogs began to chase that liver, and bark and fight each other. The
+      driver yelled something in Russian, and pointed back with his whip, the
+      Chicago man said: &ldquo;My God, we are pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves,
+      and there is no hope for us,&rdquo; and I began to cry, and implored dad, if he
+      loved me, to save me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0069" id="linkimage-0069">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/267.jpg" alt="Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0070" id="linkimage-0070">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/271.jpg" alt="Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad stood up in the sledge and looked back, and saw the wolves, and he was
+      scared, but he said the only thing to do was to throw something overboard
+      for them to be chewing on while we got away, but he sat down and pulled a
+      robe over his head and his lips were moving, but I do not know whom he was
+      addressing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Chicago man touched off a couple of cannon firecrackers behind the
+      sledge, but that only kept the dogs back for a minute, and dad said
+      probably the best thing to do was to throw me overboard and let them eat
+      me, and I said: &ldquo;Nay, nay, Pauline,&rdquo; and then I think dad fainted away,
+      for he never peeped again until the team had run away a lot more, and I
+      cut my liver rope, and when we got into the suburbs of St. Petersburg the
+      dogs had overtaken the liver, and were fighting over it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The driver had to pull up his horses as we struck the town, and dad must
+      have got a whiff of the driver's vodka, because he come to, and we got to
+      the hotel all right, and I thought dad would simply die in his tracks, but
+      the ride and the excitement did him good, and he wanted to buy a gun and
+      go out wolf hunting the next day, but our tickets were bought and we shall
+      get out of this terrible country to-morrow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad woke me, up in the night and wanted to know if I saw him when he
+      pulled his knife and wanted to get out and fight the pack of wolves
+      single-handed. I am not much of a liar, but I told him I remembered it
+      well, and it demonstrated to me that he was as brave a man as the czar,
+      &ldquo;the Little Jack Rabbit,&rdquo; as his people call him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, thanks to my wolf hunt, dad is all right again, and now we shall go
+      to some country where there is peace. I don't know where we will find it,
+      but if such a country exists, your little Henry will catch on, if dad's
+      money holds out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours, covered with Gore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople&mdash;They Find the
+     Turks Sensitive on the Dog Question&mdash;A College Yell for the
+     Sultan Sends Him Into a Fit.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Constantinople, Turkey.&mdash;My Dear Old &ldquo;Shriner&rdquo;&mdash;We got out of
+      Russia just in time to keep from being arrested or blown up with a bomb.
+      Dad wanted to go to Moscow, because he saw a picture once of Moscow being
+      destroyed by fire by Napoleon, or somebody, and he wanted to see if they
+      had ever built the town up again, but I felt as though something serious
+      was going to, happen in that country if we didn't look out, and so I
+      persuaded dad to go to Turkey, and the day we started for Constantinople
+      we got the news that the Nihilists had thrown a bomb under the carriage of
+      the Grand Duke Sergius and blew him and the carriage into small pieces not
+      bigger than a slice of summer sausage, and they had to sweep his remains
+      up in a dustpan and bury them in a two-quart fruit jar. Wouldn't that jar
+      you?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When dad heard about that you couldn't have kept him in Russia on a bet,
+      and so we let the authorities have all the money we had, giving some to
+      each man who held us up, until we got out of the country, and then we took
+      the first long breath we had taken since we struck the Godforsaken country
+      of the czar. If the bombs hold out I do not think there will be a quorum
+      left in Russia in a year, either czars, dukes or anything except peasants
+      on the verge of starvation and workingmen who have not the heart to work.
+      I wouldn't take the whole of Russia as a gift, and have to dodge bombs
+      night and day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, old man, you never dreamed that I knew all about you and dad joining
+      the Masons that time, but I watched you and dad giving each other signs
+      and grips, and whispering passwords into each other's ears, in the
+      grocery, nights, after you had locked up. I thought, at the time, that you
+      and dad were planning a burglary, but when you both went to the lodge one
+      night and stayed till near morning, and dad came home with a red Turkish
+      fez and told ma that you and he had joined the shrine, which was the
+      highest degree in Masonry, and you and he were nobles, and all that rot, I
+      was on to you bigger than a house, and you couldn't fool me when you and
+      dad winked at each other and talked about crossing the hot sands of the
+      desert.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, dad brought his red fez along, 'cause I think he expected he would
+      meet shriners all over the world, that he could borrow money of. When we
+      struck Constantinople and dad saw that every last one of the Turks wore a
+      red fez, he felt as though he had got among shriners, and he got his fez
+      out of his trunk and he wears it all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad acts as familiar with the Turks here as though he owned a harem. We go
+      to the low streets, about as wide as a street car, where Turks are selling
+      things, with dad wearing his fez, and he begins to make motions and give
+      grand hailing signs of distress, and the Turks look at him as though he
+      had robbed a bank, and they charge enormous prices for everything, and dad
+      pays with a smile, thinking his brother Masons are fairly giving things
+      away. He looks upon all men who wear the fez as his brothers, and they
+      look at him as though he was crazy in the head.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The only trouble is that dad insists on talking to the women here without
+      an introduction, and a woman in Turkey had rather die than have a
+      Christian dog look at her. Dad was buying some wormy figs of a merchant,
+      who was seated on the floor of his shop, and giving him signs, when a
+      curtain behind the Turk was pulled one side and a woman with beautiful
+      eyes and her face covered with a veil, came out with a cup of coffee for
+      the Turk. Dad shook hands with her, and said: &ldquo;Your husband and I belong
+      to the same lodge,&rdquo; and he was going to go inside and visit the family,
+      when the woman drew a small dagger out of the folds of her dress, and the
+      Turk drew one of these scimeters, and it looked for a moment as though I
+      was going to be a half orphan, particularly when dad put his hand on her
+      shoulder and petted it, and smiled one of those masher smiles which he
+      uses at home, and said: &ldquo;My good woman, you must not get in the habit of
+      jabbing your husband's friends with this crooked cutlery, though to be
+      killed by so handsome a woman would indeed be a sweet death,&rdquo; but the
+      bluff did not go, and the woman disappeared behind the curtain, and dad
+      had the frantic husband to deal with.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0071" id="linkimage-0071">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/276.jpg"
+       alt="When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and Petted It 276 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I have never seen a human being look as murderous as that Turk did as he
+      drew his thumb across the blade of his knife, drew up his lip and snarled
+      like a dog that has been bereaved of a promising bone by a brother dog
+      that was larger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Turk looked through his teeth, and his eyes seemed to act like small
+      arc lights, that were to show him where to cut dad, and dad began to turn
+      pale, and looked scared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Give him the grand hailing sign of distress,&rdquo; said I as dad leaned
+      against a barrel of dried prunes. Dad said he had forgotten the sign, and
+      then I told him the only way out of it, alive, would be to buy something,
+      so dad picked up a little jim-crack worth about ten cents, and gave the
+      Turk a five-dollar gold piece, and while the Turk went in behind the
+      curtain to get the change I told dad now was the time to skip, and you
+      ought to have seen dad make a sprint out the door and around a corner, and
+      up another street, while I followed him, and we got away from the danger
+      of being stabbed, but dad got his foot into it again before we had gone a
+      block.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nobody in Constantinople ever hurries, or goes off a walk, so when the
+      people saw an old man, with a fez on his head, running amuck, as they say
+      here, followed by a beautiful boy, they began to crawl into their holes,
+      thinking dad was crazy, but when we were passing a sausage store, where
+      about 20 dogs were asleep in the street, and dad kicked half a dozen dogs
+      and yelled, &ldquo;get out, you hounds,&rdquo; that settled it, and they knew he was
+      wrong in the head, and they yelled for the police, and we were pulled for
+      fast driving, and taken before a Turkish justice of the peace, followed by
+      the whole crowd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0072" id="linkimage-0072">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/282.jpg" alt="Get out You Hounds 282 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The justice did not wear a fez, but had on a turban, so dad did not give
+      him any signs, but after jabbering a while they sent for an interpreter,
+      who could talk pigeon English, and then dad had a trial, and I acted as
+      his lawyer. I told about how dad had tried to be kind and genial to
+      another man's wife, and how, in his hurry to get away from the murderous
+      husband he fell over a mess of dogs, and that he was a distinguished
+      American, who was in Turkey to negotiate a loan to the sultan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, that fixed them, and they all made salams to dad, and bowed all over
+      themselves, and the justice of the peace prayed to Allah, and the
+      interpreter said we could go, but to be careful about touching a Turkish
+      woman or a dog, particularly a dog, as the Turks were very sensitive on
+      the dog question. So we went out of the courtroom and wandered around the
+      town, and you can bet that dad didn't look at any more women, though they
+      were everywhere with veils that covered their faces so nothing but their
+      eyes could be seen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but you never saw such eyes as these Turkish women have. They are big
+      and black, and they go right through you, and clinch on the other side.
+      Dad says the facilities for getting into trouble are better in
+      Constantinople than any place we have been, as the men look like bandits
+      and the women look like executioners. Dad thanked me for helping him out
+      of that scrape by claiming he was the agent of a financial syndicate that
+      wanted to lend money to the sultan. If I had said dad was a collecting
+      agency, to make the sultan pay up, they would have sentenced him to be
+      boiled in oil.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we thought we had been in trouble before, but we are in it now worse
+      than ever. We heard at the hotel that at 11 o'clock in the morning the
+      sultan would pass by in a carriage, with an escort, on the way to a
+      mosque, to pray to Allah, and everybody could see the sultan, so we got a
+      place on a balcony, and at the appointed time the procession came in
+      sight. It was imposing, but solemn, and the people on both sides of the
+      street acted like they do in America when the funeral of a great man is
+      passing. No man spoke, and all looked as though they expected, if they
+      moved, to be arrested and have a stone tied to their feet and thrown into
+      the Bosphorus, the way they kill one of the sultan's wives when she flirts
+      with a stranger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We watched the soldiers, and finally the carriage of the sultan came, and
+      in it was a dried up man, with liver complaint, with a nose like an eagle,
+      and eyes like shoe buttons. He looked as though death would be a relief,
+      and yet he seemed afraid of it, and there was no sound of welcome, such as
+      there would be if Roosevelt was riding down Michigan avenue at Chicago, on
+      the way to the stockyards to pray to Armour, instead of to Allah.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You could have heard a pin drop. I said: &ldquo;Dad, this is too solemn, even
+      for a sultan. Let's give him the university yell, and show that mummy that
+      he has got two friends in Constantinople, anyway.&rdquo; &ldquo;Here she goes,&rdquo; says
+      dad, and we leaned over the railing, just as the sultan's carriage was
+      right in front of us and not ten feet away, and in that oppressive silence
+      dad and I opened up, &ldquo;U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin, zip-boom-Ah!&rdquo; and then we
+      started to sing, &ldquo;There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-Night.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0073" id="linkimage-0073">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/279.jpg"
+       alt="There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-night 279 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, if any man in the crowd had touched off a bomb, there could have
+      been no greater consternation. The sultan turned pale, as pale as so
+      yellow a man could, and became faint, and fell over into the arms of a
+      general who sat beside him, the Bazi Bazouks on horseback began to ride up
+      and down the street, the crowd scattered, the sultan's carriage was turned
+      around and rushed back to the palace, with the ruler of Turkey having a
+      fit, and about a hundred soldiers came up on the veranda, where dad and I
+      had broke up the procession, and they lit on dad like buzzards on a dead
+      horse, and took possession of the hotel, and began to search our baggage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0074" id="linkimage-0074">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/285.jpg" alt="Another Took Me by the Ear 285 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One Turk choked dad until his tongue hung out of his mouth, and another
+      took me by the ear and stretched it out so it was long as a mule's ear,
+      and they took us to a bastile and dad says it is all up with us now,
+      because they will drown us like a mess of kittens in a bag, and all
+      because we woke them up with a football yell in the wrong place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we might as well wind up our career here as anywhere. Good-by, old
+      man. You will see our obituary in the papers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your repentant,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem&mdash;&ldquo;Little
+     Egypt&rdquo; Does a Dancing Stunt&mdash;The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty
+     Wives to the President.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Constantinople, Turkey.&mdash;My Dear Grocer-pasha: When I wrote you last
+      I thought you would be in mourning for dad and I before this, as there
+      seemed nothing for the Turks to do but to kill us after we had stampeded
+      the sultan and all his soldiers by giving them a university yell, but
+      after we had been confined in a sort of jail over night, dad and I had a
+      heart to heart talk, and my diplomacy saved us for the time being. I told
+      dad that what we wanted to do was to tell the Turks that dad represented
+      the American people, and had a communication to make to the sultan
+      personally, which would make him rich and happy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, they bit like a bass, and the next day they took us before the
+      sultan at the palace. Dad dug up a package of blank gold mining stock in a
+      mine that he was going to promote, though the mine was only a small hole
+      in the ground, and the stock had been offered for one cent a share, the
+      par value being a hundred dollars, so a man who got a share for a cent
+      would, when the mine got to paying, get a hundred dollars for every cent
+      he invested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad filled out one of the stock certificates for 1,000,000 shares, which
+      would represent a capital equal to all the debts of Turkey, and we went
+      before the sultan, and we couldn't have been treated better if we had
+      owned a brewery. Dad told his story to the sultan through an interpreter,
+      while I looked around at the gorgeous surroundings and tried to think of
+      something to do to wake them up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad said he came right fresh from the American people, and was authorized
+      by his mining company to present the sultan with untold millions, for pure
+      love of the Turkish people, whom they had seen riding and leading camels
+      at the Chicago world's fair, and dad produced the stock certificate for
+      1,000,000 shares of stock in the Golden Horn Gold Mining and Smelting
+      company, and took out a handful of $20 gold pieces and showed them to the
+      crowd as specimens of gold that came from our mine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said our people did not expect anything in return, but just desired the
+      good will of the Turkish empire. He said that President Roosevelt desired
+      him to present his warmest regards to the sultan, and to invite him to
+      visit America, and if he would consent to do so, an American war vessel
+      would be furnished for him and the white house would be turned over to him
+      for his harem, and dad said the president wanted him particularly to
+      impress upon the sultan that if he came he must bring his folks, all his
+      wives that would be apt to size up for beauty with our American women.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0075" id="linkimage-0075">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/289.jpg"
+       alt="He Must Bring his Folks, and All His Wives 289 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, you ought to have seen that sickly looking sultan brace up when dad
+      handed him the millions of mining stock, and he grabbed the paper like an
+      old clothes buyer would grab a dress suit that a wife had sold for 60
+      cents, belonging to her husband. He also wanted to see the gold that dad
+      had shown as coming from the mine, and when dad showed him the yellow boys
+      he took them as souvenirs and put them in his girdle, and then I thought
+      dad would faint, but he kept his nerve like a poker player betting on a
+      bobtail flush.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sultan asked so many questions about America that I was afraid dad
+      would get all balled up, but he kept his nerve, and lied as though he was
+      on the witness stand trying to save his life. Dad told the sultan he was
+      authorized by the American people to inquire into the industries of
+      Turkey, and what he particularly desired was an insight into the harems,
+      as a national institution, because many American people were gradually
+      adopting the customs of the orient, and he desired to report to congress
+      as to whether we should adopt the customs of Turkey with her dried prunes
+      and dates with worms in, and her attar of roses made of pig's lard; her
+      fez, to cure baldness, and her outlandish pants and peaked red Morocco
+      shoes, and her harems.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sultan said he would like to show us a little bunch of the cream of
+      the harem, who would do a stunt in the way of dancing, to celebrate the
+      good feeling of the American people, and the visit of the distinguished
+      statesman and gold miner to his realm, and dad said the sultan couldn't
+      turn his stomach with no cream of the harem, only they must keep their
+      hands off him, and the sultan promised he should be as safe as a &ldquo;unique,&rdquo;
+       whatever that is.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I had hired knee breeches and things of a masquerade ball store,
+      and we didn't look half bad when the crowd of shieks and things formed a
+      crescent around the sultan, who sat in a sort of barber's chair with an
+      awning over it, and they sounded a hewgag or something, and about a dozen
+      pretty fine looking females, dressed like the ballet in a vaudeville show,
+      came in and began to dance before the sultan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad stood it first rate until a girl got on the carpet barefooted and
+      began one of those willowy sort of dances that nearly broke up the Chicago
+      fair, when people left the buildings filled with the work of the world's
+      artists, in all lines of progress, and went to the Midway in a body to see
+      &ldquo;Little Egypt,&rdquo; but when this dancer waltzed up to dad and wiggled in a
+      foreign language, dad sashayed up to her and I couldn't hold him back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0076" id="linkimage-0076">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/293.jpg" alt="He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He was just getting warmed up to &ldquo;balance to partners,&rdquo; when a frown came
+      over the sultan's face and he looked cross at dad, and then the hewgag
+      sounded, and the girls scattered out of a side door and dad wanted to
+      follow, but I held him by the coat, and it was over. I think those girls
+      were the only ones in the whole harem that were good looking.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad breathed hard a little from his exercise, and said he was ready to
+      inspect the stock, and the sultan detailed a tall negro, with a face dried
+      up like a mummy, and we started out through the harem, dad pulling the
+      long hair on the side of his head over his bald spot, and throwing his
+      shoulders back and drawing in his stomach to make him look young.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, there is nothing about a harem, much different from keeping
+      house at home, except that there is more of it. The idea people get of
+      harems is that the women are all young and beautiful, and that they sit
+      around a swimming tank and play guitars and keep the flies off the man who
+      owns the place, while he smokes the vile Turkish tobacco burning in a
+      jardiniere, through a section of rubber hose, and goes to sleep like a
+      Chinaman smoking opium, and that they drink rare wines and dance with
+      bangles on their legs and ropes of pearls on their necks and arms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have seen alleged imitations of a Turkish harem on the stage, with
+      American girls doing the acting, and it would make you feel as though you
+      would invest in a harem when you got old enough, but, gee, when you see a
+      regular harem, run by an up-to-date Turk, you think of the Mormon apostle
+      who has 40 wives of all ages, from 70 down to a 16-year-old hired girl,
+      with a hair-lip and warts on her thumbs. This harem was like a big stock
+      barn in the states, with a big room to exercise the colts, and box stalls
+      for the different wives and their families to live in and do their own
+      cooking and washing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of sitting by a bath playing a harp, the poor old wives stand by a
+      washtub and play tunes on the washboard, and scrub, and take care of
+      children. I thought the custom of spanking children was an American
+      institution, but it is as old as the ages, for I saw a Turkish mother grab
+      up a child that had lifted a kitten by the tail, and take it across her
+      knee and give it a few with a red hand covered with soapsuds, and the
+      young Turk yelled bloody murder, just like an American kid, and then sat
+      down on its knees, so the spanking wouldn't hurt, and called its mother
+      names in a language I couldn't understand, but I knew what the child said,
+      by instinct. Dad started to interfere, because he is a member of the
+      humane society, but the unique that was showing us around saved dad's life
+      by pushing him along, before the woman got a chance to brain him with the
+      washboard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The women mostly had on these baggy Turkish trousers, like the Zouaves
+      wear, and a jacket, and a cloth around their heads, and they acted as
+      though if the next meal came along all right they would be in luck. We saw
+      a few women pretty white, and they were Circassian slaves, with big eyes
+      and hoops in their ears, and a little different clothes on, but there were
+      none that dad would buy at an auction, or at a bargain sale, if they were
+      marked down to 99 cents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We passed one woman running an American sewing machine, and dad said he'd
+      bet she was an American, and he went up to her and said: &ldquo;Hello, sis!&rdquo; She
+      stopped the machine, looked up at dad with a sort of Bowery expression,
+      and said: &ldquo;Gwan, Chauncey Depew, you old peach, or I'll have you pinched,&rdquo;
+       and the unique took dad by the arm and pulled him along real spry, but he
+      hung back and looked over his shoulder at the woman, but she went on
+      sewing, and dad said to me: &ldquo;Well, wouldn't that frost you?&rdquo; And we went
+      on making the inspection.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I don't think I ever saw so many children, outside of an orphan asylum,
+      all about the same size and all looking exactly alike. They all had the
+      same beady black eyes that look as though they were afraid of getting
+      caught in a trap, like muskrats, and their noses had the same inquiring
+      appearance, as though the owner was speculating as to how much money the
+      visitors had in their pockets, and whether it was fastened in. Race
+      suicide is impossible in Turkey, but a race of bandits is growing up that
+      will let no foreigners with a pocketbook escape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It took us an hour to go through the harem, and it was more like going
+      through the quarters of the working women of a home laundry in the
+      tenement district of a large city, than a comic opera, as we had been led
+      to expect by what we had read of harems. When we went into the harem I
+      think dad was going to insist on having the women dance for him, while he
+      sat on a throne and threw kisses at the most beautiful women in all the
+      world, but before we had got around all the box stalls I think if any of
+      them had started to dance dad would have stampeded in a body.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We finally got back to the great marble room, where the sultan was
+      sleeping in a stuffed chair, surrounded by his staff, and one of them woke
+      him up, and he asked dad what he thought of the home life of a crowned
+      head, and dad said it beat anything he had ever seen, and he should
+      recommend to his government that the harem system be adopted in America,
+      and actually the sultan seemed pleased. He said as an evidence of his love
+      for America he wanted to present to the president, through dad, 50 of his
+      wives, and if dad would indicate where he wanted them delivered, they
+      would be there, Johnny on the spot, or words to that effect.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first I thought dad would faint away, but I whispered to him that it
+      would be discourteous to decline a present, after giving the sultan a gold
+      mine, and that may be the old man would be so mad, if he declined the
+      wives, that he would tie stones to our legs and sink us in the
+      Bosphor-ous, so dad rallied and said, on behalf of his government, he
+      would accept the kindly and thoughtful gift of his highness, and that he
+      would cable for a war vessel to take the wives to his own America, and he
+      would notify the sultan when to round them up and load them on the vessel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I do not know what possessed me to make a scene, before we got
+      out of the presence of the sultan, but it all came to me sudden, like an
+      inspiration comes to a poet. I had been eating some fruit that I bought in
+      a paper bag, and when I had eaten the last of it, I wondered what I would
+      do with the bag, and then I thought what fun it would be to blow the bag
+      up, and suddenly burst it, when all was still. So I blowed up the bag, so
+      it was as hard as a bladder, and tied a string around the neck, and
+      waited. I did not think how afraid everybody in these old countries is of
+      bombs, or I never would have done it, honestly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sultan was signing some papers, and looking out of the corners of his
+      eyes to see if anybody was present who was suspicious, and dad was getting
+      ready to make a salam, and back out of the presence of the ruler of
+      Turkey, when I got behind some of the officials who were watching the
+      sultan, and I laid my paper bag on the marble floor, and it was as still
+      as death, and all you could hear was the scratching of the pen, when I
+      jumped up in the air as though I had a fit, and yelled &ldquo;Allah,&rdquo; and came
+      down with my whole weight on the paper bag, and of all the stampedes you
+      ever saw, that was the worst.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0077" id="linkimage-0077">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/299.jpg" alt="Stampede 299 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      You know what a noise it makes to bust a paper bag. Well, this was the
+      toughest old bag I ever busted, and it sounded like a cannon fired down
+      cellar somewhere, and the air was full of dust, and before I could get up
+      the sultan had tipped over the table and run yelling into another room,
+      praying to &ldquo;Allah,&rdquo; and all the staff had lit out for tall timber, and
+      there was nobody left but dad and the unique and myself, and the unique
+      took dad by the arm and started for the door, and we were fired out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I went out of the room I looked around, and there was a Turk's head
+      sticking out of every door to see how many had been killed by the bomb,
+      and as we got out doors, dad said &ldquo;Now we have to get out of Turkey before
+      night, or we die. Me for Egypt, boy, if we can catch a boat before we are
+      drawn and quartered.&rdquo; So here goes for Cairo, Egypt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours only,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo&mdash;At the Hotel They
+     Meet Some Egyptian Princesses&mdash;Dan Rides a Camel to the
+     Pyramids and Meets with Difficulties.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Cairo, Egypt.&mdash;My Dear Old Irish Vegetable: Gee, but you ought to see
+      dad and I right now at a hotel, waiting for a chance at a room, when a
+      bride and groom get ready to vacate it, and go somewhere else. This hotel
+      is full of married people who look scared whenever there is a new arrival,
+      and I came pretty near creating a panic by going into the parlor of the
+      hotel, where a dozen couples were sitting around making goo-goo eyes at
+      each other, and getting behind a screen and, in a disguised voice,
+      shouting, &ldquo;I know all! Prepare to defend yourself!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The women turned pale and some said, &ldquo;At last! At last!&rdquo; while others got
+      faint in the head, and some fell on the bosoms of their husbands and said:
+      &ldquo;Don't shoot!&rdquo; You see, most of these wives had husbands somewhere else
+      that might be looking for them. I have warned dad not to be seen
+      conversing with a woman, or he may be shot by a husband who is on her
+      trail, or by the husband she has with her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, of all the trips we have had anywhere, the trip from
+      Constantinople here was the limit. For two or three days we were on dinky
+      steamboats with Arabs, Turks, negroes and all nationalities camping on
+      deck, full of fleas, and with cholera germs on them big enough to pick
+      like blueberries, and all of the passengers were dirty and eat things that
+      would make a dog in America go mad. The dog biscuit that are fed to
+      American dogs would pass as a delicate confection on the menu of any
+      steamboat we struck, and I had rather lie down in a barn yard with a wet
+      dog for a pillow and a cast-off blanket from a smallpox hospital for a
+      bed, than to occupy the bridal chamber of any steamboat we struck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And then the ride across the desert by rail to reach Cairo was the worst
+      in the world. Passengers in rags, going to Mecca, or some other place of
+      worship, eating cheese a thousand years old made from old goat's milk, and
+      dug from the Pyramids too late to save it, was what surrounded us, and the
+      sand storm blew through the cars laden with germs of the plague, and stuck
+      to us so tight you couldn't get it off with sandpaper, and when we got
+      here all we have had to do is to bathe the dirt off in layers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0078" id="linkimage-0078">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/304.jpg"
+       alt="It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To American Epidermis 304 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis, and the last bath
+      has a jackplane to go with it, and a thing they scale fish with. But we
+      are all right now, with rooms in the hotel, and rested, and when we go
+      home we are going to be salted down and given chloroform and shipped as
+      mummies. Dad insists that he will never cross a desert or an ocean again,
+      and I don't know what is to become of us. Anyway, we are going to enjoy
+      ourselves until we are killed off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The first two days we just looked about Cairo, and saw the congress of
+      nations, for there is nothing just like this town anywhere. There are
+      people from all quarters of the globe, the most outlandish and the most
+      up-to-date. This place is an asylum for fakirs and robbers, a place where
+      defaulters, bribers, murderers, swindlers and elopers are safe, as there
+      seems to be no extradition treaty that cannot be overcome by paying money
+      to the officials. I found that out the first day, and told dad we should
+      have no standing in the society of Egypt unless the people thought he had
+      committed some gigantic crime and fled his country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad wanted to know how it would strike me if it was noised about the hotel
+      that he had robbed a national bank, but I, told him there would be nothing
+      uncommon or noticeable about robbing a bank, as half the tourists were
+      bank defaulters, so he would have to be accused of something startling, so
+      we decided that dad should be charged with being the principal thing in
+      the Standard Oil Company, and that he had underground pipe lines running
+      under several states, gathering oil away from the people who owned it, and
+      that at the present time he was worth a billion dollars, and his income
+      was $9,000,000 every little while, and, by ginger, you ought to see the
+      people bow down to him. Say, common bank robbers and defaulters just fell
+      over themselves to get acquainted with dad, and to carry out the joke, I
+      put some kerosene oil on dad's handkerchief, and that clinched it, for
+      everybody loves the smell of a perfume that represents a billion dollars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the women wanted to dance with dad in the hotel dance, and because
+      they thought I must be heir to all the oil billions, they wanted to hold
+      me on their laps, and stroke my hair, as though I was it. I guess we are
+      going to have everything our own way here, and if dad does not get eloped
+      with by some Egyptian princess, I shall be mistaken. The Egyptians are
+      pretty near being negroes, and wear bangles in their ears, and earrings on
+      their arms. You take it in the dark, and let a princess put her arms
+      around you, and sort of squeeze you, and you can't tell but what she is
+      white, only there is an odor about them like &ldquo;Araby the blessed,&rdquo; but in
+      the light they are only negroes, a little bleached, with red paint on
+      their cheeks. If I was going to marry an Egyptian woman, I would take her
+      to Norway, or up towards the north pole, where it is night all day, and
+      you wouldn't realize that you were married to a colored woman. To be
+      around among these Egyptians is a good deal like having a pass behind the
+      scenes at the play of Ben Hur in New York, only here the dark and
+      dangerous women are the real thing, instead of being white girls with
+      black paint on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have just got back from the pyramids, and dad is being treated for
+      spinal meningitis, on account of riding a camel. I never tried harder to
+      get dad to go anywhere on the cars than I did to get him to go to the
+      pyramids by rail, as a millionaire should, but he said he was going to
+      break a camel to the saddle, and then buy him and take him home for a side
+      show. So we went down to the camel garage and hired a camel for dad, and
+      four camels for the arabs and things he wanted for an escort, and a
+      jackass for me. There were automobiles and carriages, and trolleys, and
+      everything that we could have hired, and been comfortable for the ten-mile
+      ride, but dad was mashed on the camel, and he got it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, it was not one of these world's fair camels that lay down for
+      you to get on, and then got up on the installment plan, and chuck you
+      forward and aft, but a proud Egyptian camel that stands up straight and
+      makes you climb up on a stepladder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad got along up the camel's ribs, when the-stepladder fell, and he
+      grabbed hold of the hair on the two humps, and the humps were loose and
+      they lopped over on the side, and it must have hurt the camel's feelings
+      to have his humps pulled down, so he reached around his head and took a
+      mouthful out of the seat of dad's pants, and dad yelled to the camel to
+      let go, and the Arabs amputated the camel from dad's trousers, and pushed
+      dad up on top with a bamboo pole with a crotch in it, and when dad got
+      settled between the humps he said, &ldquo;Let 'er go,&rdquo; and we started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad could have had a camel with a platform on top, and an awning, but he
+      insisted on taking his camel raw, and he sat there between those humps,
+      his trousers worked up towards his knees, showing his red socks and blue
+      drawers, and his face got pale from sea sickness, and the red, white and
+      blue colors made me think of a fourth of July at home. We went out of town
+      like a wild west show, and dad seemed happy, except that every time an
+      automobile went whizzing along, dad's camel got the jumps and waltzed
+      sideways out into the sandy desert, and chewed at dad's socks, so part of
+      the time dad had to draw up his legs and sit on one hump and put his shoes
+      on the other hump. The Arabs on the other camels would ride up alongside
+      and steer dad's camel back into the road, by sticking sharp sticks into
+      the camel, and the animal would yawn and groan and make up faces at me on
+      my jackass, and finally dad wanted to change works with me and ride my
+      jackass, but I told him we had left the stepladder back at Cairo, so dad
+      hung to his mountainous steed, but the dust blew so you couldn't see, and
+      it was getting monotonous when the queerest thing happened.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You have heard that camels can fill up with water and go for a week
+      without asking for any more. Well, I guess the week was up, and it was
+      time to load the camels with water, for as we came to the Nile every last
+      camel made a rush for the river, and they went in like a yoke of oxen on a
+      stampede, and waded in clear up to the humps, and began to drink, and dad
+      yelled for a life preserver and pulled his feet up on top and sat there
+      like a frog on a pond lily leaf.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0079" id="linkimage-0079">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/308.jpg"
+       alt="Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf 308 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      My jackass only stepped his feet in the edge, and dad wanted me to swim my
+      jackass out to the camel and let him fall off onto the jack, but I knew
+      dad would sink my jack in a minute, and I wouldn't go in the river. Well,
+      the camels drank about an hour, with dad sitting there meditating, and
+      then the dragomen got them out, and we started off for the pyramids, which
+      were in plain sight like the pictures you have seen, with palm trees along
+      the Nile, and Arabs camping on the bank, and it looked as though
+      everything was going to be all right, when suddenly dad's camel stopped
+      dead still and wouldn't move a foot, and all the rest of the camels
+      stopped, closed their eyes and went to sleep, and the Arabs went to sleep,
+      and dad and the jackass and I were apparently the only animals in Egypt
+      that were awake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad kicked his camel in the ribs, but it wouldn't budge. He asked me if I
+      could't think up some way to start the procession, and I stopped my
+      jackass and thought a minute, and told dad I had it. I had bought some
+      giant fire crackers and roman candles at Cairo, with which I was going to
+      fire a salute on top of the biggest pyramid, to celebrate for old America,
+      and I told dad what I had got, and I thought if I got off my jackass and
+      fired a salute there in the desert it would wake them up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad said, &ldquo;all right, let 'er go, but do it sort of easy, at first, so not
+      to overdo it,&rdquo; and I got my artillery ready. Say, you can't fire off
+      fireworks easy, you got to touch a match to 'em and dodge and take your
+      chances. Well, I scratched a match and lit the giant fire cracker, and put
+      it under the hind legs of dad's camel, and when it got to fizzing I lit my
+      roman candle, and as the fire cracker exploded like a 16-inch gun, my
+      roman candle began to spout balls of fire, and I aimed one at each camel,
+      and the whole push started on a stampede for the pyramids, the camels
+      groaning, the Arabs praying to Allah, dad yelling to stop 'er, and my
+      jackass led the bunch, and I was left in the desert to pick up the hats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0080" id="linkimage-0080">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/311.jpg" alt="Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids 311 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I guess I will have to tell you' the rest of the tragedy in my next
+      letter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours with plenty of sand,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids&mdash;The Bad Boy
+     Lights a Cannon Cracker in Rameses' Tomb&mdash;They Flee from
+     Egypt in Disguise.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Cairo, Egypt.&mdash;My Dear Old Geezer: I broke off my last letter in
+      sight of the pyramids, when I was left alone on the desert, my jackass
+      having stampeded with the camels, on account of my fireworks, and I
+      presume you think I was all in, but I got to the pyramids before the
+      stampeded caravan did. I saw a car coming along, and I just got aboard and
+      in ten minutes I was at the base of the big pyramid, and the camel with
+      dad on between the humps, was humping himself half a mile away, trying to
+      get there, and the other camels, with the Arabs, were stretched out like
+      horses in a race, behind, and my jackass was right next to dad's camel,
+      braying and occasionally kicking dad's camel in the slats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were about a hundred tourists around the stampede of the camels, and
+      I told them my the base of the big pyramid, all looking towards dad, the
+      great American millionaire, was on the runaway camel in advance, and asked
+      them to form a line across the trail and save dad, but when the camel came
+      nearer I was ashamed of dad. He had his arms around the front hump of the
+      camel, and he was yelling for help to stop his menagerie, and his legs
+      were flying in the air, and every time they came down they kicked a hole
+      in the side of the camel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0081" id="linkimage-0081">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/319.jpg" alt="I Was Ashamed of Dad 319 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I thought dad was a brave man, but he blatted like a calf, and
+      when the camel stopped and went to eating a clump of grass dad opened his
+      eyes, and when he saw that the procession had stopped he rolled off his
+      camel like a bag of wheat, and stuck in the sand and began to say a
+      prayer, but when he saw me standing there, laughing, he stopped praying,
+      and said to me: &ldquo;I thought you were blown up when that jackass kicked the
+      can of dynamite. You have more lives than a cat. Now, get a hustle on you
+      and we will climb that pyramid, and then quit this blasted country,&rdquo; and
+      dad sat down on a hummock and began to pull himself together, after the
+      most fearful ride he ever had. He said the camel loped, trotted, galloped,
+      single-footed and shied all at the same time, and when one hump was not
+      jamming him in the back the other hump was kicking him in the stomach, and
+      if he had a gun he would shoot the camel, and the Arabs, and bust up the
+      show.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By the time dad got so he could stand up without leaning against a pyramid
+      the Arabs came up and they all talked at once, and drew knives, and it
+      seemed as though they were blaming dad for something. We found an
+      interpreter among the tourists, and he talked with the Arabs, and pointing
+      to the camel dad had ridden, which was stretched out on the sand like he
+      was dead, he told dad the Arabs wanted him to pay for the camel he had
+      ridden to death, and foundered by letting it drink a wagon load of water,
+      and then entered in a race across the desert, and the interpreter said dad
+      better pay, or they would kill him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0082" id="linkimage-0082">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/316.jpg" alt="Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad settled for the camel for a hundred dollars, and a promise of the skin
+      of the camel, which he was going to take home and have stuffed. Then a man
+      who pretended to be a justice of the peace had dad arrested for driving
+      off of a walk, and he was fined $10 and costs for that, and then all the
+      Arabs stuck him for money for one thing and another, and when he had
+      settled all around and paid extra for not riding back to Cairo on the
+      camel, we got ready to climb up the pyramid. Dad said he wouldn't ride
+      that camel back to Cairo for a million dollars, for he was split up so his
+      legs began where his arms left off, and he was lame from Genesis to
+      Revelations.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I never saw such a lot of people to pray as these pirates are. Just
+      before they rob a man they get down on their knees on a rug, and mumble
+      something to some god, and after they have got you robbed good and plenty,
+      they get down and pray while they are concealing the money they took from
+      you. Gee, but when I get home I am going to steer the train robbers and
+      burglars onto the idea of always being on praying grounds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I told dad he hadn't better try to climb up the pyramid, that I
+      would go up, 'cause I could climb like a goat, and when I got up to the
+      top I would fire a salute, so everybody would know that a star spangled
+      American was on deck, but dad said he would go up or quit the tourist
+      business. He said he had come thousands of miles to climb the pyramids,
+      and sit in the shadow of the spinks, and by ginger he was going to do it,
+      and so we started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, each stone is about four feet high, and dad couldn't get up
+      without help, so an Arab would go up a stone ahead, and take hold of dad's
+      hands, and two more Arabs would get their shoulders under dad's pants, and
+      shove, and he would get up gradually. We got about half way up when dad
+      weakened, and said he didn't care so much about pyramids as he thought he
+      did, and he was ready to quit, but the guide and some of the tourists said
+      we were right near the entrance to the great tomb of the kings, and that
+      we better go in and at least make a formal call on the crowned heads, and
+      so we went in, through dark passages, with little candles that the guides
+      carried, and up and down stairs, until finally we got into a big room that
+      smelled like a morgue, with bats and evil looking things all around, and I
+      felt creepy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The guides got down on their knees to pray, and I thought it was time to
+      be robbed again. I do not know what made me think of making a sensation
+      right there in the bowels of that pyramid, where there were corpses
+      thousands of years old, of Egypt's rulers. I never felt that way at home,
+      when I visited a cemetery, but I though I would shoot my last roman candle
+      and fire my last giant firecracker right there in that moseleum, and take
+      the chances that we would get out alive. So when the tourists were lined
+      up beside a tomb of some Rameses or other, and the guides were praying for
+      strength and endurance, probably, to get away with all the money we had, I
+      picked out a place up toward the roof that seemed full of bats and birds
+      of ill omen, and I sneaked my roman candle out from under my shirt, and
+      touched the fuse to a candle on the turban of a guide who was on his
+      knees, and just as the first fire ball was ready to come out I yelled
+      &ldquo;Whoop-la-much-a wano, epluribus un-um,&rdquo; and the fire balls lighted up the
+      gloom and knocked the bats gaily west.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Holy jumping cats, but you ought to have seen the guides, yelling Allah!
+      Allah! and groveling on the floor, and the bats were flying around in the
+      faces of the tourists, and everybody was simply scared out of their boots.
+      I thought I might as well wind the thing up glorious, so I touched the
+      tail of my last giant firecracker to the sparks that were oozing out of my
+      empty roman candle, and threw it into the middle of the great room, and
+      when it went off you would think a cannon had exploded, and everybody
+      rushed for the door, and we fell over each other getting out through the
+      passage towards the door.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was the first to get out on to the side of the pyramid, and I watched
+      for the crowd to come out. The tourists got out first, and then dad came
+      out, puffing and wheezing, and the last to come out were the Arabs, and
+      they came on their hands and knees, calling to Mr. Allah and every one of
+      them actually pale, and I think they were conscience-stricken, for they
+      began to give back the money they had robbed dad of, and an Arab must be
+      pretty scared to give up any of his hard-earned robberies. I think dad was
+      about the maddest man there was, until he got some of his money back, when
+      he felt better, but he gave me a talking to that I will never forget.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said: &ldquo;Don't you know better than to go around with explosives, like a
+      train robber, and fire them off in a hole in the ground, where there is no
+      ventilation, and make people's ears ring? Maybe you have woke up those
+      kings and queens in there, and changed a dynasty, you little idiot.&rdquo; The
+      rest of the crowd wanted to throw me down the side of the pyramid, but I
+      got away from them and went up on top of the pyramid and hoisted a small
+      American flag, and left it floating there, and then came back to where the
+      crowd was discussing the explosion in the tomb, and then we all went down
+      the side of the pyramid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The guides got their nerve back after they got out in the air, because
+      they wouldn't help dad down unless he paid them something every stone they
+      helped him climb down, so when he got down he didn't have any money, and
+      hardly any pants, because what pants the Arabs didn't tear were worn off
+      on the stones, so when he showed up in front of the spinks he was a sight,
+      and he bought a turban of a guide and unwound it and wound it around him
+      in place of pants. I was ashamed of dad myself, and it is pretty hard to
+      make me ashamed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We went back to Cairo on the cars, and what do you think, that dead camel
+      that the Arabs made dad pay for was with the caravan going back to town,
+      'cause we saw him out of the car window with the hair wore off where dad
+      kicked him in the side. The tourists say the Arabs have that camel trained
+      to die every day when they get to the pyramids, and they make some
+      tenderfoot pay for him at the end of each journey. Dad is going to try to
+      get his money back from the Egyptian government, but I guess he will never
+      realize on his claim.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, after dad had doctored all night to get the camel rheumatism
+      and spinal meningitis out of his system, we took a trip by boat on the
+      Nile, and saw the banks where the people grow crops by irrigation, and
+      where an English syndicate has built a big dam, so the whole valley can be
+      irrigated, and I tell you it will not be long before Egypt will raise
+      everything used in the world on that desert, and every other country that
+      raises food to sell will be busted up in business, but it is disgusting to
+      take a trip on the Nile, 'cause all the natives are dirty and sick with
+      contagious diseases, and they are lazy and crippled, and beg for a living,
+      and if you don't give them something they steal all you got. You are in
+      luck if you get away without having leprosy, or the plague, or cholera, or
+      fleas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So we went back to Cairo, and there was the worst commotion you ever saw,
+      about my fireworks in the tomb. The papers said that an American dynamiter
+      had attempted to blow up the great pyramid, and take possession of the
+      country and place it under the American flag, and that the conspirators
+      were spotted and would be arrested and put in irons as soon as they got
+      back from a trip on the Nile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, dad found his career would close right here, and that he would
+      probably spend the balance of his life in an Egyptian prison if wc didn't
+      get out, so we made a sneak and got into our hotel, bought disguises and
+      are going to get out of here tonight, and try to get to Gibraltar, or
+      somewhere in sight of home. Dad is disguised as a shiek, with whiskers and
+      a white robe, like a bath robe, and I am going to travel with him as an
+      Egyptian girl till we get through the Suez canal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0083" id="linkimage-0083">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/323.jpg" alt="Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but I wouldn't be a nigger girl only to save dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your innocent,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar&mdash;The Irish-English Army&mdash;
+     How He Would Take the Fortress&mdash;Dad Wants to Buy the &ldquo;Rock.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Gibraltar, in Spain and England. My Dear Foster Uncle: It seems good to
+      get somewhere that you can hear the English language spoken by the Irish,
+      and the English soldiers are nearly all Irish. When you think of the way
+      the British government treats the Irish, and then you look on while an
+      orderly sergeant calls the roll of a company, and find that nine out of
+      ten answer to Irish names, and only one out of ten has the cockney accent,
+      you feel that the Irish ought to rule England, and an O'Rourke or a
+      O'Shaunnessy should take the place of King Edward. It makes a boy who was
+      brought up in an Irish ward in America feel like he was at home to mix
+      with British soldiers who come from the old sod. Dad says that there is
+      never an army anywhere in the world, except the armies of Russia and
+      Japan, that the bravest men are not answering to Irish names, and always
+      on the advance in a fight, or in the rear when there is a retreat. Dad
+      says that in our own army, when the North and South were fighting, the
+      Irish boys were the fellows who saved the day. They wanted to fight nights
+      and Sundays, and never struck for an eight-hour day, or union wages. When
+      the fighting was over, and soldiers were sick, or discouraged, and
+      despondent, an Irish soldier would come along, maybe on crutches, or with
+      a bullet in his inwards, and tell funny stories and make the discouraged
+      fellows laugh in spite of themselves, and when another fight was on, you
+      had to tie the wounded Irish soldiers to their cots in the hospital, or
+      put them in jail to keep them from forgetting their wounds, and going to
+      the front for one more fight. Dad says if there was an Irish nation with
+      an army and navy, the whole world would have to combine to whip them, and
+      yet the nation that has the control of the Irish people treats them worse
+      than San Francisco treats Chinamen, makes them live on potatoes, and
+      allows landlords to take away the potatoes if they are shy on the rent.
+      Gosh, if I was an Irishman I would see the country that walked on my neck
+      in hell before I would fight for it. (Gee, dad looked over my shoulder and
+      saw what I had written, and he cuffed me on the side of the head, and said
+      I was an incendiary and that I ought to have sense enough not to write
+      treason while a guest on British soil.) Well, I don't care a darn. It
+      makes me hot under the collar when I think of the brave Irish fellows, and
+      I wonder why they don't come to America in a body and be aldermen and
+      policemen. When I get home I am going to join the Fenians, and raise
+      thunder, just as quick as I am old enough.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0084" id="linkimage-0084">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/329.jpg"
+       alt="Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The Banks Will Cave In 329 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, we have been through the Suez canal, and for a great modern
+      piece of engineering it doesn't size up with a sewer in Milwaukee, or a
+      bayou in Louisiana. It is just digging a railroad cut through the desert,
+      and letting in the water, and there you are. The only question in its
+      construction was plenty of dredging machines, and a place to pile the
+      dirt, and water that just came in of its own accord, and stays there, and
+      smells like thunder, and you see the natives look at it, and keep away
+      from the banks for fear the banks will cave in on them, and give them a
+      bath before their year is up, cause they don't bathe but once a year, and
+      when they skip a year nobody knows about it, except that they smell a year
+      or so more frowsy, like butter that has been left out of the ice box. Our
+      boat went right along, and got out of the canal, because it was a mail
+      boat, but the most of the boats we saw were tied up to the bank, waiting
+      for the millennium. We saw some Russian boats waiting for the war to blow
+      over and as we passed them every Russian on board looked scared, as though
+      we were Japs that were going to fire a torpedo under them, or throw a bomb
+      on deck, and when our boat got by the Russian boat, the crew was called to
+      prayers, to thank the Lord, or whoever it is that the Russians thank,
+      because they had escaped a dire peril. I guess the Russians are all in,
+      and that those who have not gone to the front are shaking hands with
+      themselves, and waiting for the dove of peace to alight on their guns. The
+      Suez canal probably pays, and no wonder, cause they charge what they
+      please to boats that go through, and if they don't pay all they have to do
+      is to stay out, and go around a few thousand miles. It is like a ferry
+      across a little stream out west, where there is no other way to cross,
+      except to wade or go around, and the old ferryman sizes up the wagon load
+      that wants to cross, and takes all they have got loose, and then the
+      travelers are ahead of the game, cause if they didn't cross the stream
+      they would have to camp on the bank until the stream dried up. Some day an
+      earthquake will split that desert wide open and the water in the Suez
+      canal will soak into the sand and the steamboats will lay in the mud, and
+      be covered with a sand storm, and future ages will be discovering full
+      rigged ships down deep on the desert. Dad says we better sell our stock in
+      the canal and buy air ship stock. And talk about business, there is more
+      tonnage goes through the Soo canal, between Michigan and Canada than goes
+      through the Suez and we don't howl about it very much.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I have studied Gibraltar in my geography, and read about it in
+      the papers, and seen its pictures in advertisements, but never realized
+      what a big thing it was. Now, who ever thought of putting that enormous
+      rock right there on that prairie, but God. I suppose the English, when
+      they saw that rock, thought the good Lord had put it there for the English
+      to drill holes in, for guns, and when the Lord was busy somewhere else,
+      the English smoughed the rock away from Spain, by playing a game with
+      loaded dice, and when England got it, that country decided to arm it like
+      a train robber, and hold up the other nations of the earth. When a vessel
+      passes that rock it has to hold up its hands and salute the British flag,
+      or get a mess of hardware fired into its vital parts, but that is all it
+      amounts to, cause it couldn't win any battle for England, and could only
+      sink trading vessels. The walls of the rock are perforated from top to
+      bottom, with holes big enough for guns to squirt smoke and shells, but if
+      the enemy should stay away from right in front of the holes, they might
+      shoot till doomsday and never hit anything but fishing smacks and peddlers
+      of oranges. Gibraltar is like a white elephant in a zoological garden. It
+      just eats and keeps off the flies with its short tail, and visitors feed
+      it peanuts and wonder what it was made for, and how much hay it eats.
+      Gibraltar is like a twenty-dollar gold piece that a man carries in his
+      watch pocket for an emergency, which he never intends to spend until he
+      gets in the tightest place of his life, and it wears out one pocket after
+      another, and some day drops through on to the sidewalk, and a tramp finds
+      it and goes on a bat and gets the worth of his money, and has a good time,
+      if he saves enough to buy a bromo seltzer the next morning after. It is
+      like the Russian war chest, that is never to be opened as long as they can
+      borrow money. If Gibraltar could be put on castors, and rolled around from
+      one country to another, England could whip all Europe and Asia. It would
+      be a Tro Jane horse on a larger scale, and be a terror; but, say, if it
+      got to America we wouldn't do a thing to it. We would run a standpipe up
+      the side, and connect it with an oil pipe line, fill Gibraltar's tunnels
+      and avenues, and magazines and barracks with crude oil, and touch a match
+      to it, and not an Englishman would live to tell about it. Gee, but I would
+      be sorry for the Irish soldiers, but I guess they wouldn't be there, cause
+      they wouldn't fight America. Well, if England ever has a big war, and she
+      gets chesty about Gibraltar, and says it is impregnable, and defies the
+      world to take it, I bet you ten dollars it could be taken in twenty-four
+      hours. If I was a general, or an admiral, I would have about forty tank
+      steamers, loaded with kerosene, and have them land, innocent like, right
+      up beside Gibraltar, ostensibly to sell oil for perfumery to the natives,
+      who would all be improved by using kerosene on their persons. Then I would
+      get on a barrel, on deck of my flag ship, and command the English general
+      to surrender unconditionally, and if he refused I would set a slow match
+      on every oil vessel, and have the crews get in skiffs and pull for the
+      opposite shore, and when the oil got on fire, and rolled up all over
+      Gibraltar, and burned every living thing, I would throw water from a fire
+      department boat on the rock, and she would split open and roll all
+      over-the prairie, and then I would bury the cremated dead out on the
+      desert, and seek other worlds to conquer, like Alexander the Great. But
+      don't be afraid. I won't do it unless they make me mad, but you watch my
+      smoke if they pick on your little Hennery too much, when he grows up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I haven't got any kick coming about Gibraltar, cause they treated dad
+      and I all right, and the commander detailed an ensign to show us all
+      through the fortress. Now don't get an ensign mixed up with a unique, such
+      as showed us through the Turkish harem. An English ensign is just as
+      different from a Turkish unique as you can imagine. Every man to his
+      place. You couldn't teach a Turkish unique how to show visitors around an
+      English fortress, and an English ensign in a Turkish harem would bring on
+      a world's war, they are so different. Well, wc went through tunnels in the
+      rock, and up and down elevators, and all was light as day from electric
+      lights, and we saw ammunition enough to sink all the ships in the world,
+      if it could be exploded in the right place, and they have provisions
+      enough stored in the holes in the rock to keep an army for forty years if
+      they didn't get ptomaine poisoned from eating canned stuff. It was all a
+      revelation to dad, and when we got all through, and got out into the
+      sunlight, we breathed free, and when clad got his second wind he broke up
+      the English officers by taking out a pencil and piece of paper, and asked
+      them what they would take for the rock and its contents, and move out, and
+      let the American flag float over it. Well, say, they were hot, and they
+      told dad to go plum to 'ell, but dad wouldn't do it. He said America
+      didn't want the old stone quarry, anyway, and if it did it could come and
+      take it. I guess they would have had dad arrested for treason, only when
+      we got out into the town there was the whole British Atlantic squadron
+      lined up, with the men up in the rigging like monkeys, and every vessel
+      was firing a salute, as a yacht came steaming by. Dad thought war had
+      surely broke out, or that some rich American owned the yacht, but it
+      turned out to be Queen Alexandria and a party of tourists, and when the
+      band played &ldquo;God Save the Queen,&rdquo; dad got up on his hind legs and sang so
+      loud you would think he would split hisself, and a fellow went up and
+      threw his arms around dad, and began to weep, and the tears came in dad's
+      eyes, and another fellow pinched dad's watch, and the celebration closed
+      with everybody getting drunk, and the queen sailed away. Say, we are going
+      to Spain, on the next boat, and you watch the papers. We will probably be
+      hung for taking Cuba and the Phillipines.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0085" id="linkimage-0085">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/333.jpg"
+       alt="Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would Split Hisself 333 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes of Spain&mdash;They Call on the King And the
+     Bad Boy is at it Once More&mdash;They See a Bull Fight and Dad
+     Does a Turn.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Madrid, Spain.&mdash;My Dear Uncle: You probably think we are taking our
+      lives in our hands by coming to Spain, so soon after the Cuban war, in
+      which President Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill, in the face of over
+      thirty bloodthirsty Spaniards, and captured the blockhouse on the summit
+      of the hill, which was about as big as a switchman's shanty, and wouldn't
+      hold two platoons of infantry, of twelve men to the platoon, without
+      crowding, and which closed the war, after the navy had everlastingly
+      paralyzed the Spanish vessels, and sunk them in wet water, and picked up
+      the crews and run them through clothes-wringers to dry them out; but we
+      are as safe here as we would be on South Clark street, in Chicago. Do you
+      know, when I read of that charge of our troops up San Juan hill, headed by
+      our peerless bear-hunter, I thought it was like the battle of Gettysburg,
+      where hundreds of thousands of men fought on each side, and I classed
+      Roosevelt with Grant, Sheridan, Sherman, Meade and Thomas, and all that
+      crowd, but one day I got talking with a veteran of the Spanish-American
+      war, who promptly deserted after every pay day, and re-enlisted after he
+      had spent his money, and he didn't do a thing to my ideas of the
+      importance of that battle. He told me it was only a little skirmish, like
+      driving in a picket post, and that there were not Spaniards enough there
+      to have a roll call, not so many Spanish soldiers as there were American
+      newspaper correspondents on our side, that only a few were killed and
+      wounded, and that a dozen soldiers in an army wagon could have driven up
+      San Juan hill with firecrackers and scared the Spaniards out of the
+      country, and that a part of a negro regiment did pretty near all the
+      shooting, while our officers did the yelling, and had their pictures
+      taken, caught in the act. So I have quit talking of the heroism of our
+      army in Cuba, because it makes everybody laugh and they speak of Shaffer
+      and Roosevelt, and hunch up their shoulders, and say, &ldquo;bah,&rdquo; but when you
+      talk about the navy, and Schley, and Sampson, and Clark, and Bob Evans,
+      they take off their hats and their faces are full of admiration, and they
+      say, &ldquo;magnificent,&rdquo; and ask you to take a drink. Gee, but dad got his foot
+      in it by talking about the blowing up of the Maine, and looking saucy, as
+      though he was going to get even with the Spaniards, but he found that
+      every Spaniard was as sorry for that accident as we were, and they would
+      take off their hats when the Maine was mentioned, and look pained and
+      heart-sick. I tell you the Spaniards are about as good people as you will
+      find anywhere, and dad has concluded to fall back on Christopher Columbus
+      for a steady diet of talk, cause if it had not been for Chris we wouldn't
+      have been discovered to this day, which might have been a darn good thing
+      for us. But the people here do not recall the fact that there ever was a
+      man named Christopher Columbus, and they don't know what he ever
+      discovered, or where the country is that he sailed away to find, unless
+      they are educated, and familiar with ancient history, and only once in a
+      while will you find anybody that is educated. The children of America know
+      more about the history of Spain than the Spanish children. This country
+      reminds you of a play on the stage, the grandees in their picturesque
+      costumes, though few in number, compared to the population, are the whole
+      thing, and the people you see on the stage with the grandees, in peasant
+      costume, peddling oranges and figs, you find here in the life of Spain,
+      looking up to the grandees as though they were gods. Every peasant carries
+      a knife in some place, concealed about him, and no two carry their toad
+      stabbers in the same place. If you see a man reach his finger under his
+      collar to scratch his neck, the chances are his fingers touch the handle
+      of his dagger, and if he hitches up his pants, his dagger is there, and if
+      he pulls up his trousers leg to scratch for a flea, you can bet your life
+      his knife is right handy, and if you have any trouble you don't know where
+      the knife is coming from, as you do about an American revolver, when one
+      of our citizens reaches for his pistol pocket. Spaniards are nervous
+      people, on the move all the time, and it is on account of fleas. Every
+      man, woman and child contains more than a million fleas, and as they can't
+      scratch all the time, they keep on the move, hoping the fleas will jump
+      off on somebody else. When we came here we were flealess, but every person
+      we have come near to seems to have contributed some fleas to us, until now
+      we are loaded down with them, and we find in our room at the hotel a box
+      of insect powder, which, is charged in with the candles. The king, who is
+      a boy about three years older than I am, is full of fleas, too, and he
+      jumps around from one place to another, like he was shaking himself to get
+      rid of them. He gets up in the morning and goes out horseback riding, and
+      jumps fences and rides tip and down the marble steps of the public
+      buildings, as though he wanted to make the fleas feel in danger, so they
+      will leave him. Seems to me if every man kept as many dogs as they do in
+      Constantinople, the fleas would take to the dogs, but they say here that
+      fleas will leave a dog to get on a human being, because they like the
+      smell of garlic, as every Spaniard eats garlic a dozen times a day. They
+      are trying to teach dogs to eat garlic, but no self-respecting dog will
+      touch it. We have had to fill up on garlic in order to be able to talk
+      with the people, cause dad got sea sick the first day here, everybody
+      smelled so oniony. Dad wanted a druggist to put up onions in capsules,
+      like they do quinine, so he could take onions and not taste them, but he
+      couldn't make the man understand. There ought to be a law against any
+      person eating onions, unless he is under a death sentence. But you can
+      stand a man with the onion habit, after you get used to it. It is a woman,
+      a beautiful woman, one you would like to have take you on your lap and pet
+      you, that ought to know better than to eat onions. Gee, but when you see a
+      woman that is so beautiful it makes her ache to carry her beauty around,
+      and you get near to her and expect to breathe the odor of roses and
+      violets, that makes you tired when she opens her mouth to say soft words
+      of love, and there comes to your nostrils the odor of onions. Do you know,
+      nothing would make me commit suicide so quick as to have a wife who
+      habitually loaded herself with onions. Dad was buying some candy for me at
+      a confectioner shop, of a beautiful Spanish woman, and when he asked how
+      much it was, she bent over towards him in the most bewitching manner and
+      breathed in his face and said, &ldquo;Quatro-realis, seignor,&rdquo; which meant &ldquo;four
+      bits, mister,&rdquo; and he handed her a five-dollar gold piece, and went
+      outdoors for a breath of fresh air, and let her keep the change. He said
+      she was welcome to the four dollars and fifty cents if she would not
+      breathe towards him again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0086" id="linkimage-0086">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/339.jpg" alt="Breathed in his Face 339 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, we have taken in the town, looked at the cathedrals, attended the
+      sessions of the cortez, and thew gambling houses, saw the people sell the
+      staple products of the country, which are prunes, tomatoes and wine. The
+      people do not care what happens as long as they have a quart of wine. In
+      some countries the question of existence is bread, but in Spain it is
+      wine. No one is so poor they cannot have poor wine, and with wine nothing
+      else is necessary, but a piece of cheese and bread helps the wine some,
+      though either could be dispensed with. In some countries &ldquo;wine, women and
+      song&rdquo; are all that is necessary to live. Here it is wine, cheese and an
+      onion. We went to see the king, because he is such a young boy, and dad
+      thought it would encourage the ruler to see an American statesman, and to
+      mingle with an American boy who could give him cards and spades, and
+      little casino, and beat him at any game. I made dad put on a lot of badges
+      we had collected in our town when there were conventions held there, and
+      when they were all pinned on dad's breast he looked like an admiral. There
+      was a badge of Modern Woodmen, one of the Hardware Dealers' Association,
+      one of the Wholesale Druggists, one of the Amalgamated Association of
+      Railway Trainmen, one of the Farmers' Alliance, one of the Butter and
+      Cheese-men's Convention, one of the State Undertakers' Guild, and half a
+      dozen others in brass, bronze and tin, on various colored ribbons. Say, do
+      you know, when they ushered us into the throne room at the palace, and the
+      little king, who looked like a student in the high school, with dyspepsia
+      from overstudy and cake between meals, saw dad, he thought he was the most
+      distinguished American he had ever seen, and he invited dad up beside him
+      on the throne, and dad sat in the chair that the queen will sit in when
+      the boy king gets married, and I sat down on a front seat and watched dad.
+      Dad had read in the papers that the boy king wanted to marry an American
+      girl who was the possessor of a lot of money, so dad began to tell the
+      king of girls in America that were more beautiful than any in the world,
+      and had hundreds of millions of cold dollars, and an appetite for raw
+      kings, and that he could arrange a match for the king that would make him
+      richer than any king on any throne. The boy king was becoming interested,
+      and I guess dad would have had him married off all right, if the king had
+      not seen me take out a bag of candy and begin to eat, when he said to me,
+      &ldquo;Come up here, Bub, and give me some of that.&rdquo; Gosh, but I trembled like a
+      leaf, but I went right up the steps of the throne and handed him the bag,
+      and said, &ldquo;Help yourself, Bub.&rdquo; Well, sir, the queerest thing happened. I
+      had bought two pieces of candy filled with cayenne pepper, for April fool,
+      and the king handed the bag to the master of ceremonies, a big Spaniard
+      all covered over with gold lace, and if you will believe me the king got
+      one piece of the cayenne pepper candy, and that spangled prime minister
+      got the other, and the king chewed his piece first, and he opened his
+      mouth like a dog that has picked up a hot boiled egg and he blew out his
+      breath to cool his tongue and said, &ldquo;Whoosh,&rdquo; and strangled, and
+      sputtered, and then the prime minister he got his, and he yelled murder in
+      Spanish, and the king called for water, and put his hands on his stomach
+      and had a cramp, and the other man he tied himself up in a double bowknot,
+      and called for a priest, and the king said he would have to go to the
+      chapel, and the fellows who were guarding the king took him away,
+      breathing hard, and red in the face, and dad said to me, &ldquo;What the bloody
+      hell you trying to do with the crowned heads? Cause you have poisoned the
+      whole bunch, and we better get out.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0087" id="linkimage-0087">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/347.jpg"
+       alt="The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne Pepper Candy 347 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      So we went out of the palace while the king's retainers were filling him
+      with ice water. Well, they got the cayenne pepper out of him, because we
+      saw him at the bull fight in the afternoon, but for a while he had the
+      hottest box there ever was outside of a freight train, and if he lives to
+      be as old as Mr. Methuselah he will always remember his interview with
+      little Hennery. The bull fights ain't much. Bulls come in the ring mad as
+      wet hens, cause they stick daggers in them, and they bellow around, and
+      the Spaniards dodge and shake red rags at them, and after a bull has
+      ripped a mess of bowels out of a few horses, then a man with a saber stabs
+      the bull between the shoulders, and he drops dead, and the crowd cheers
+      the assassin of the bull, and they bring in another bull. Well, sir, dad
+      came mighty near his finish at the bull fight. When the second bull came
+      in, and ripped the stomach out of a blind horse, and the bull was just
+      charging the man who was to stab it, dad couldn't stand it any longer and
+      he climbed right over into the ring, and he said: &ldquo;Look a here, you
+      heathen; I protest, in the name of the American Humane Society, against
+      this cruelty to animals, and unless this business stops right here I will
+      have this place pulled, and&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0088" id="linkimage-0088">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/343.jpg" alt="Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you would of thought that bull would have had sense enough to
+      see that dad was his friend, but he probably couldn't understand what dad
+      was driving at, for he made a rush for dad, and dad started to run for the
+      fence, and the bull caught dad just like dad was sitting in a rocking
+      chair, and tossed him over the fence, and dad's pants stayed on the bull's
+      horns, and dad landed in amongst a lot of male and female grandees and
+      everybody yelled, &ldquo;Bravo, Americano,&rdquo; and the police wrapped a blanket
+      around dad's legs and were going to take him to the emergency hospital,
+      but I claimed dad, and took him to the hotel. Dad is ready to come home
+      now. He says he is through.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0089" id="linkimage-0089">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/349.jpg" alt="Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns 349 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin&mdash;They Call on Emperor
+     William and his Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them
+     All.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Berlin, Germany.&mdash;My Dear Old Pummer-nickel: Now we have got pretty
+      near home, and you would enjoy it to be with us, because you couldn't tell
+      the town from Milwaukee, except for the military precision with which
+      everything is conducted, where you never take a glass of beer without
+      cracking your heels together like a soldier, and giving a military salute
+      to the bartender, who is the commander-in-chief of all who happen to
+      patronize his bar. Everybody here acts like he was at a picnic in the
+      woods, with a large barrel of beer, with perspiration oozing down the
+      outside, and a spigot of the largest size, which fills a schooner at one
+      turn of the wrist, and every man either smiles or laughs out loud, and you
+      feel as though there was happiness everywhere, and that heaven was right
+      here in this greatest German city.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0090" id="linkimage-0090">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/353.jpg" alt="There is Laughter Everywhere 353 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There is laughter everywhere, except when the Emperor drives by, escorted
+      by his bodyguard, on the finest horses in the world; then every citizen on
+      the street stops smiling and laughing; all stand at attention, and every
+      face takes on a solemn, patriotic, almost a fighting look, as though each
+      man would consider it his happiest duty and pleasure to walk right up to
+      the mouth of cannon and die in his tracks for his pale-faced, haggard and
+      loved Emperor. And the Emperor never smiles on his subjects as he passes,
+      but looks into every eye on both sides of the beautiful street, with an
+      expression of agony on his face, but a proud light in his eye, as though
+      he would say, &ldquo;Ach, Gott, but they are daisies, and they would fight for
+      the Fatherland with the last breath in their bodies.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The pride of the people in that moustached young man, with the look of
+      suffering, is only equalled by the pride of the Emperor in every German in
+      Germany, or anywhere on the face of the globe. There is none of the
+      &ldquo;Hello, Bill!&rdquo; such as we have in America, when the President drives
+      through his people, many of whom yell, &ldquo;Hello, Teddy!&rdquo; while he shows his
+      teeth, and laughs, and stands up in his carriage, and says, &ldquo;Hello, Mike,&rdquo;
+       as he recognizes an acquaintance. But these same &ldquo;Hello, Bill,&rdquo; Americans
+      are probably just as loyal to their chief, whoever he may be, and would
+      fight as hard as the loving Germans would for their hereditary Emperor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose there is somebody working in Berlin, but it seems to us that the
+      whole population, so far as can be seen, is bent on enjoying every minute,
+      walking the streets, in good clothes, giving military salutes, and
+      drinking beer between meals, and talking about what Germany would do to an
+      enemy if the ever-present chip on the shoulder should be knocked off, even
+      accidentally. But they all seem to love America, and when we registered at
+      the hotel, from Milwaukee, Wis., U. S. A., citizens began to gather around
+      us and ask about relatives at our home. They seem to think that every
+      German who has settled in Milwaukee owns a brewery, and that all are rich,
+      and that some day they will come back to Germany and spend the money, and
+      fight for the Emperor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We did not have the heart to tell them that all the Germans in Milwaukee
+      were going to stay there and spend their money, and while their hearts
+      were still warm towards the Fatherland, they loved the Stars and Stripes,
+      and would fight for the American flag, against the world, and that the
+      younger Germans spoke the German language, if it all, with a Yankee
+      accent. Gee, but wouldn't the people of Berlin be hot under the collar if
+      they knew how many Germans in America were unfamiliar with the make-up of
+      the German flag, and that they only see it occasionally when some
+      celebration of German days takes place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, when dad saw the German Emperor drive down the great street, and got
+      a look at his face, he said, &ldquo;Hennery, I have got to see that young man
+      and advise him to go and consult a doctor,&rdquo; and so we made arrangements to
+      go to the Palace and see the Emperor and his son, the Crown Prince, who
+      will before long take the empire on his shoulders, if William is as sick
+      as he looks. You don't have to hire any masquerade clothes to call on the
+      Emperor of Germany, like you do when you visit royalty in Turkey and
+      Egypt, for a good frock coat and a silk hat will take you anywhere in the
+      day time, and a swallowtail is legal tender at night; so dad put on his
+      frock coat and silk hat, just as he would to go and attend an afternoon
+      wedding at home, and we were ushered in to a regular parlor, where the
+      Emperor was having fun with his children, and the Empress was doing some
+      needlework.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad supposed we would have to talk to the Emperor and the Prince through
+      an interpreter, and we stood there waiting for some one to break the ice,
+      when some one told the Emperor that an American gentleman and his boy
+      wanted to pay their respects, and the Emperor, who wore an ordinary dark
+      suit, with no military frills, took one of the young Princes he had been
+      playing with across his knee and gave him a couple of easy spanks, in fun,
+      and the whole family was laughing, and the spanked boy &ldquo;tackled&rdquo; the
+      Emperor around the legs, below the knee, like a football player, and the
+      other Princes pulled him off, and the Emperor came up to dad, smiling as
+      though he was having the time of his life, and spoke to dad in the purest
+      English, and said he was glad to see the &ldquo;Bad Boy&rdquo; man, because he had
+      read all about the pranks of the Bad Boy, and bid dad welcome to Germany,
+      and he didn't look sick at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0091" id="linkimage-0091">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/357.jpg"
+       alt="And So This is the Champion Little Devil of America 357 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad was taken all of a heap, and didn't know what to make of the German
+      Emperor talking English, but when the ruler of Germany turned to me and
+      said, &ldquo;And so this is the champion little devil of America,&rdquo; and patted me
+      on the head, dad felt that he had struck a friend of the family, and he
+      sat down with the Emperor and talked for half an hour, while the young
+      Princes gathered around me, and we sat down on the floor and the boys got
+      out their knives, and we played mumbletypeg on the carpet, just as though
+      we were at home, and all the boys talked English, and we had a bully time.
+      The princes had all read &ldquo;Peck's Bad Boy&rdquo; and I think the Emperor and
+      Empress have encouraged them in their wickedness, for the boys told me of
+      several tricks they had played on their father, the Emperor, which they
+      had copied from the Bad Boy, and it made me blush when they told of
+      initiating their father into the Masons, the way my chum and I initiated
+      dad into the Masons with the aid of a goat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked the boys how their dad took it, and told them from what we in
+      America heard about the Emperor of Germany, we would think he would kill
+      anybody that played a trick on him; but they said he would stand anything
+      from the children, and enjoy it; but if grown men attempted to monkey with
+      him, the fur would fly. The Crown Prince came in and was introduced to me,
+      and he seemed proud to see me, cause his uncle, Prince Henry, had told him
+      about being in Milwaukee, and how all the women in that town were the
+      handsomest he had ever seen in his trip around the world, and he asked me
+      if it was so. I referred him to dad, and dad told him the women were the
+      greatest in the world, and then dad made his usual break. He said: &ldquo;Look
+      ahere, Mister Prince, you have got to be married some day, and raise a
+      family to hand the German empire down to, and my advice to you is not to
+      let them saw off on to you no duchess or princess as homely as a hedge
+      fence, with no ginger in her blood, but you skip out to America, and come
+      to Milwaukee, and I will introduce you to girls that are so handsome they
+      will make you toe the mark, and if you marry one of them she will raise a
+      family of healthy young royalty with no humor in the blood, and you won't
+      have to go off and be gay away from home, cause an American wife will take
+      you by the ear if you show any signs of wandering from your own fireside,
+      like lots of your relatives have done.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but that made the Emperor hot, and he said dad needn't instill any of
+      his American ideas into the German nobility, as he could run things all
+      right without any help, and dad got ready to go, cause the atmosphere was
+      getting sort of chilly, but the Emperor soon got over his huff, and told
+      dad not to hurry, and then he turned to me and said, &ldquo;Now, little American
+      Bad Boy, what kind of a trick are you going to play on me, 'cause from
+      what I have read of you I know you will never go out of this house without
+      giving me a benefit, and all my boys expect it, and will enjoy it, the
+      same as I will; now, let 'er go.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I felt that it was up to me to do something to maintain the reputation I
+      had made, so I said, &ldquo;Your majesty, I will now proceed to make it
+      interesting for you, if you and the boys will kindly be seated in a circle
+      around me.&rdquo; They got into a circle, all laughing, and I took out of my
+      pistol pocket a half pint flask, of glass, covered with leather, and with
+      a stopper that opened by touching a spring, and I walked around in front
+      of each one of the Royal family, mumbling, &ldquo;Ene-mene-mony-my,&rdquo; and opening
+      the flask in front of each one, and pretty soon they all began to get
+      nervous, and scratch themselves, and the Emperor slapped his leg, and
+      pinched his arm, and put his fingers down his collar and scratched his
+      neck, and the Crown Prince jumped up and kicked his leg, and scratched his
+      back, and said, &ldquo;Say, kid, you are not hypnotizing us, are you?&rdquo; and I
+      said, &ldquo;Ene-meny-mony-my,&rdquo; and kept on touching the stopper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By and by they all got to scratching, and the Emperor turned sort of pale,
+      but he was going to see the show through to the end, as long as he had a
+      ticket, and he said, &ldquo;What is the joke, anyway?&rdquo; and I kept on saying,
+      &ldquo;Ene-mene-mony-my,&rdquo; and walking around in front of them, and dad began to
+      dance around, too, and dig under his shirt bosom, and scratch his leg, and
+      then they all scratched in unison, and laughed, and a little prince asked
+      how long before they would know what it was all about, and I said my
+      ene-mene, and looked solemn, and dad said, &ldquo;What you giving us?&rdquo; and I
+      said, &ldquo;Never you mind; this is my show, and I am the whole push,&rdquo; and
+      everybody had raised up out of his chair and each was scratching for all
+      that was out, and finally the Emperor said, &ldquo;I like a joke as well as
+      anybody, but I can't laugh until I know what I am laughing about,&rdquo; and he
+      told dad to make me show what was in the bottle, and I showed the bottle
+      and there was nothing in it, and there they stood scratching themselves,
+      and I told dad we better excuse ourselves and go, and we were going all
+      right enough when dad said, &ldquo;What is it you are doing?&rdquo; and as we got
+      almost to the door I said, &ldquo;Your majesty, I have distributed, impartially,
+      I trust, in the Royal family of Germany, a half a pint of the hungriest
+      fleas that Egypt can produce, for they have been in that flask three
+      weeks, with nothing to eat except themselves, and I estimate that there
+      were a million Cairo fleas in the flask, enough to set up housekeeping in
+      your palace, with enough to stock the palace of your Crown Prince when he
+      is married, and this is that you may remember the visit of Peck's Bad Boy
+      and his Dad.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0092" id="linkimage-0092">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/364.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and Scratched his Back 364 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Emperor was mad at first, but he laughed, and when we got out of the
+      palace dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back, and said to
+      me, &ldquo;Hennery, you never ought to have did it,&rdquo; and I said, &ldquo;What could a
+      poor boy do when called upon suddenly to do something to entertain
+      royalty?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; says dad, &ldquo;I don't care for myself, but this thing is apt to bring
+      on international complications,&rdquo; and I said, &ldquo;Yes, it will bring Persia
+      into it, cause they will have to use Persian insect powder to get rid of
+      them,&rdquo; and then we went to our hotel and fought fleas all night, and
+      thought of the sleepless night the royal family were having.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, so long, old Pummernickel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your only,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels&mdash;He and Dad see the Field
+     of Waterloo and call on King Leopold and Dad and the King go
+     in for a Swim&mdash;The Bad Boy, a Dog and some Goats do the
+     rest.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Brussels, Belgium.&mdash;Dear Old Skate: &ldquo;What is the matter with our
+      going to Belgium?&rdquo; said dad to me, as we were escaping from Germany.
+      &ldquo;Well, what in thunder do we want to go to Belgium for?&rdquo; said I to dad. &ldquo;I
+      do not want to go to a country that has no visible means of support,
+      except raising Belgian hares, to sell to cranks in America. I couldn't eat
+      rabbits without thinking I was chewing a piece of house cat, and rabbits
+      is the chief food of the people. I have eaten horse and mule in Paris, and
+      wormy figs in Turkey, and embalmed beef fried in candle grease in Russia,
+      and sausage in Germany, imported from the Leutgart sausage factory in
+      Chicago, where the man run his wife through a sausage machine; and stuff
+      in Egypt, with ground mummy for curry powder, but I draw the line on
+      Belgian hares, and I strike right here, and shall have the International
+      Union of Amalgamated Tourists declare a boycott on Belgium, by gosh,&rdquo; said
+      I, just like that, bristling up to dad real spunky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You are going to Belgium all right,&rdquo; said dad, as he took hold of my
+      thumb in a Jiu Jitsu fashion, and twisted it backwards until I fairly
+      penuked, and held it, while he said he should never dare go home without
+      visiting King Leopold's kingdom, and had a talk with an eighty-year-old
+      male flirt, who had a thousand chorus girls on his staff, and could give
+      the Sultan of Turkey cards and spades and little casino in the harem game.
+      &ldquo;You will go along, won't you, bub?&rdquo; and he gave my thumb another twist,
+      and I said, &ldquo;You bet your life, but I won't do a thing to you and Leopold
+      before we get out of the Belgian hare belt,&rdquo; and so here we are, looking
+      for trouble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is strange we never hear more about Belgium in America, but actually I
+      never heard of a Belgian settling in the United States. There are Irish,
+      and Germans, and Norwegians, and Italians, and men of all other countries,
+      but I never saw a Belgian until to-day, and it does you good to see a
+      people who don't do anything but work. There is not a loafer in Belgium,
+      and every man has smut on his nose, and his hands are black with handling
+      iron, or something. There is no law against people going away from
+      Belgium, but they all like it here, and seem to think there is no other
+      country, and they are happy, and work from choice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Began to sell dad relics of the Battle of Waterloo.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I always knew the Belgian guns that sell in America for twelve shillings,
+      and kill at both ends, but I never knew they made things here that were
+      worth anything, but dad says they are better fixed here for making
+      everything used by civilized people than any country on earth, and I am
+      glad to be here, cause you get notice when you are going to be robbed.
+      They ring a bell here every minute to give you notice that some one is
+      after the coin, so when you hear a bell ring, if you hang onto your
+      pocketbook, you don't lose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the place where &ldquo;There was a sound of revelry at night, and
+      Belgium's capitol had gathered there.&rdquo; You remember, the night before the
+      Battle of Waterloo, when Napoleon Bonaparte got his. You must remember
+      about it, old man, just when they were right in the midst of the dance,
+      and &ldquo;soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again,&rdquo; and they were
+      taking a champagne bath, inside and out, when suddenly the opening guns of
+      Waterloo, twelve miles away, began to boom, and the poet, who was present,
+      said, &ldquo;But hush, hark, a deep sound like a rising knell,&rdquo; and everybody
+      turned pale and began to stampede, when the floor manager said, &ldquo;'Tis but
+      the wind, or the car on the stony street, on with the dance, let joy be
+      unconfined, no sleep till morn, when youth and pleasure meet, to chase the
+      glowing hours with flying feet.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, this is the place where that ball took place, which is
+      described in the piece I used to speak in school, but I never thought I
+      would be here, right where the dancers got it in the neck. When dad found
+      that the battlefield of Waterloo was only a few miles away, he hired a
+      wagon and we went out there. Well, sir, of all the frauds we have run
+      across on this trip the battlefield of Waterloo is the worst. When the
+      farmers who are raising barley and baled hay on the battlefield, saw us
+      coming, they dropped their work and made a rush for us, and one fellow
+      yelled something in the Belgian language that sounded like, &ldquo;I saw them
+      first,&rdquo; and he got hold of dad and me, and the rest stood off like a lot
+      of hack drivers that have seen a customer fall into the hands of another
+      driver, and made up faces at us, and called the farmer who had caught us
+      the vilest names. They said we would be skinned to a finish by the faker
+      who got us, and they were right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0093" id="linkimage-0093">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/368.jpg" alt="368 Began to Sell Things To Dad "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He showed us from a high hill, where the different portions of the battle
+      were fought, and where they caught Napoleon Bonaparte, and where Blucher
+      came up and made things hum in the German language, and then he took us
+      off to his farm where the most of the relics were found, and began to sell
+      things to dad, until he had filled the hind end of the wagon with bullets
+      and grape-shot, sabres and bayonets, old rusty rifles, and everything dad
+      wanted, and we had enough to fill a museum, and when the farmer had got
+      dad's money we went back to Brussels, and got our stuff unloaded at the
+      hotel. Say, when we came to look it over we found two rusty Colt's
+      revolvers, and guns of modern construction, which have been bought on
+      battlefields in all countries, and properly rusted to sell to tourists. I
+      showed dad that the revolver was unknown at the time of the battle of
+      Waterloo, and that every article he had bought was a fraud, the sabers
+      having been made in America, before the war of the rebellion, and dad was
+      mad, and gave the stuff to the porter of the hotel, who charged dad seven
+      dollars for taking it away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad kept one three-cornered hat that the farmer told him Bonaparte lost
+      when his horse stampeded with him, and it drifted under a barbed wire
+      fence, where it had lain until the day before we visited the battlefield.
+      Say, that hat is as good as new, and dad says it is worth all the stuff
+      cost, but I would not be found dead wearing it, cause it is all out of
+      style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have seen the King of Belgium, and actually got the worth of our money.
+      He is an old dandy, and looks like a Philadelphia Quaker, only he is not
+      as pious as a Quaker. Dad wrote to the King and said he was a
+      distinguished American, traveling for his health, and had a niece who had
+      frequently visited Belgium with an opera company, and she had spoken of
+      the King, and dad wanted to talk over matters that might be of interest
+      both to Belgium and to America. Well, the messenger came back and said dad
+      couldn't get to the palace a minute too quick, and so we went over, and as
+      we were going through the park we saw an old man, in citizen's clothes,
+      sitting on a bench, patting the head of a boar hound, and when he saw us
+      he said, &ldquo;Come here, Uncle Sam, and let my dog chew your pants.&rdquo; Dad
+      thought it must be some lunatic, and was going to make a sneak, and get
+      out, when the man rose up and we saw it was the King, and we went up to
+      him and sat down on the bench, and he asked dad if he had come as the
+      relative of the opera singer, to commence suit against the King for breach
+      of promise, or to settle for a money consideration, remarking that he had
+      always rather pay cash than to have any fuss made about these little
+      matters. Dad told him he had no claim against him for alienating anybody's
+      affections, or for breach of promise, and that all he wanted was to have a
+      little talk with the King, and find out how a King lived, and how he had
+      any fun in running the king business, at his age, and they sat down and
+      began to talk as friendly as two old chums, while the dog played tag with
+      me. We found that the King was a regular boy, and that instead of his mind
+      being occupied by affairs of state, or his African concessions in the
+      Congo country, where he owns a few million slaves who steal ivory for him,
+      and murder other tribes, he was enjoying life just as he did when he was a
+      barefooted boy, fishing for perch at the old mill pond, and when he
+      mentioned his career as a boy, and his enjoyments, dad told about his
+      youth, and how he never got so much pleasure in after life as he did when
+      he had a stone bruise on his heel, and went off into the woods and cut a
+      tamarack pole and caught sunfish till the cows came home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The King brightened up and told dad he had a pond in the palace grounds,
+      stocked with old-fashioned fish, and every day he took off his shoes and
+      rolled up his pants, and with nothing on but a shirt and pants held up by
+      one suspender of striped bed ticking, he went out in a boat and fished as
+      he did when a boy, with a bent pin for a hook, and he was never so happy
+      as when so engaged, and they could all have their grand functions, and
+      balls, and dinners, and Turkish baths, if they wanted them, but give him
+      the old swimming hole. &ldquo;Me, too,&rdquo; said dad, and as dad looked down into
+      the park he saw a little lake, and dad held up two fingers, just as boys
+      do when they mean to say, &ldquo;Come on, let's go in swimming,&rdquo; and the King
+      said, &ldquo;I'll go you,&rdquo; and they locked arms and started through the woods to
+      the little lake, and the dog and I followed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0094" id="linkimage-0094">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/372.jpg"
+       alt="Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That Swimming Place 372 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you'd a dide to see dad and Leopold make a rush for that
+      swimming place. The King put his hand in the water, and said it was fine,
+      and began to peel his clothes off, and dad took off his clothes and the
+      King made a jump and went in all over, and came up with his eyes full of
+      water, strangling because he did not hold his nose, and then dad made a
+      leap and splashed the water like an elephant had fallen in, and there
+      those two old men were in the lake, just like kids.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0095" id="linkimage-0095">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/378.jpg"
+       alt="I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side 378 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll swim you a match to the other side,&rdquo; said the King. &ldquo;It's a go,&rdquo;
+       said dad, and they started porpoising across the little lake, and then I
+      thought it was time there was something doing; so I got busy and tied
+      their clothes in knots so tight you couldn't get them untied without an
+      act of parliament. They went ashore on the opposite side of the lake,
+      cause some women were driving through the grounds, and then I found a
+      flock of goats grazing on the lawn, and the dog and I drove them to where
+      the clothes were tied in knots, and when the goats began to chew the
+      clothes I took the dog and went back to the entrance of the park, and dad
+      and the King swam back to where the clothes and the goats were, and when
+      they drove the goats away, and couldn't untie the knots, the King gave the
+      grand hailing sign of distress, or something, and the guards of the palace
+      and some cavalry came on the run, and the park seemed filled with an army,
+      and I bid the dog good-bye, and went back to the hotel alone and waited
+      for dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0096" id="linkimage-0096">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/375.jpg"
+       alt="When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes 375 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad didn't get back till after dark, and when he came he had on a suit of
+      the King's clothes, too tight around the stomach, and too long in the
+      legs, cause dad is pusey, and the King is long-geared. &ldquo;Did you have a
+      good time, dad?&rdquo; says I, and he said, &ldquo;Haven't you got any respect for
+      age, condemn you? The King has ordered that you be fed to the animals in
+      the zoo.&rdquo; I told him I didn't care a darn what they did with me; I had
+      been brought up to tie knots in clothes when I saw people in swimming, and
+      I didn't care whether they were crowned heads or just plain dubs, and I
+      asked dad how they got along when their clothes were chewed up. He said
+      the soldiers covered them with pouches and got them to the palace, and
+      they had supper, he and the King, and the servants brought out a lot of
+      clothes and he got the best fit he could. I asked him if the King was
+      actually mad, and he said no, that he always enjoyed such things, and
+      wanted dad and I to come the next day and go fishing with him, barefooted.
+      Say, dad can go, but I wouldn't be caught by that King on a bet. He would
+      get even, sure, cause he has a look in his eye like they have in a
+      sanitarium. Not any king business for your little Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter about Holland and Cuba&mdash;Dad and
+     the Boy go for a Drive in a Dogcart&mdash;They have a Great Time&mdash;
+     Land in Cuba and See the Island t we Fought for.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Havana, Cuba. My Dear Old Greaser: We stopped in Holland for a couple of
+      days after we left Belgium, and it was the most disappointing country we
+      visited on our whole trip. We expected to be walked on with wooden shoes,
+      and from what we had heard of that Duke that married Queen Wilhelmina, we
+      thought we were going to a country where men were cruel to their wives,
+      and swatted them over the head when things didn't go right, but when we
+      saw the queen riding with her husband, as free, from ostentation as a
+      department store clerk would ride out with his cash girl wife, and saw
+      happiness beaming on the face of the queen and her husband, and saw them
+      squeeze hands and look lovingly into each other's eyes, we made up our
+      minds that you couldn't believe these newspaper scandals. And when we saw
+      the broad-shouldered, broad-chested and broad-everywhere women of Holland
+      we concluded that it would be a brave or reckless husband who would be
+      unkind to one of them, and mighty dangerous because the women are stronger
+      than the men, and any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat,
+      because she could take off her wooden shoes and strike out and a man would
+      think he had been hit by a railroad tie.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Illustration: Any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat 388
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not know what makes Hollanders wear wooden shoes, unless they are
+      sentenced to do it, or that they are unruly, and have to be hobbled, to
+      keep them from jumping fences, but the people are so good and honest that
+      after you have met them you forget the vaudeville feature of their
+      costumes, and love them, and wish the people of other countries were as
+      honest as they. For two or three days we were not robbed, and I do not
+      believe there is a dishonest man or woman in Holland, except one. There
+      was one woman that played it on dad in Amsterdam, but I think she only
+      played him for a sucker for a joke, for she laughed all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad was much struck at seeing the women selling milk from little carts,
+      hauled by teams of big dogs, and he negotiated with a woman for a dog team
+      and cart, and all one day dad and I put on wooden shoes, and Dutch clothes
+      and drove the dog team around town, and we had the time of our lives, more
+      fun than I ever had outside of a circus, but the shoes skinned our feet,
+      and when the dogs laid down to rest, and dad couldn't talk dog language to
+      make them get up and go ahead, he kicked the off dog with his wooden shoe,
+      and the dog got up and grabbed a mouthful of dad's ample pants and shook
+      dad till his teeth were loose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0097" id="linkimage-0097">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/386.jpg"
+       alt="Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants 386 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A woman driving another mess of dogs had to come and choke the off dog so
+      he wouldn't swallow dad, pants and all. Dad gave her a dollar for rescuing
+      him, and what do you think? Say, she pulled an old stocking of money out
+      of her bosom and counted out ninety-six cents in change and gave it back
+      to dad, and only charged four cents for saving his life, and that couldn't
+      occur in any other country, cause in most places they would take the
+      dollar and strike him for more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad wanted to take the dog team and cart to Milwaukee to give it to a
+      friend who sells red hot weiners, and so we arranged to have the team
+      loaded on the boat, but just before the boat sailed, the dog team was
+      lying down on the dock, sleeping and scratching flees, when the woman dad
+      bought the team of came along and spoke to the dogs in Dutch, and, say,
+      those dogs woke up and started on a regular runaway down the dock, after
+      the laughing woman, and disappeared up the street. Just as the boat
+      whistled to pull in the gang planks, dad and I stood on deck and saw the
+      team disappear, and dad said, &ldquo;Buncoed again, by gosh, and it is all your
+      condemned fault. Why didn't you hang on to that off dog.&rdquo; Well, we lost
+      our dog team, but we got the worth of our money, for we saw a people who
+      do not eat much beside cabbage and milk, and they are the strongest in the
+      world, and there never was a case of dyspepsia in their country. We saw a
+      people with stone bruises on their heels and corns on their toes, smiling
+      and laughing all the time. We met a people that work all the time, and
+      never take any recreation except churning and rocking babies, and yet
+      never have to call a doctor, because there are no doctors except
+      veterinary surgeons, who care for dogs and cattle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The people we met in Holland wear wooden shoes to teach them patience and
+      humility. With wooden shoes no frenzied financier of Holland will ever
+      travel the fast road of speculation, slip on a bucket-shop banana peel,
+      and fall on the innocent bystander who has coughed up his savings and
+      given them to the honest financier to safely invest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The bank of Holland is an old woolen stock ing, and money never comes out
+      of the stocking unless there is a string to it, and the string is the
+      heart string of an honest people, that will stand no trifling. If a
+      dishonest financier came to Holland from any other country, and did any of
+      his dirty work, the women of Holland, who handle the funds, would give him
+      such a hazing that he would never open his three-card monte lay-out in any
+      other country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a country where you get the right change back, and the cows give
+      eighteen carat milk, and the hens have not learned to lay small, cold
+      storage eggs. It is the country for me, if the women would wear corsets,
+      and not be the same size all the way down, so that if you hugged a girl
+      you wouldn't make a dent in her, that would not come out until she got her
+      breath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And we left such a country and such a people, to come here to Cuba, where
+      the population now comprises the meanest features of the desperate and
+      wicked Spaniards, beaten at their own game of loot, the trickiness of the
+      native Cuban, flushed with pride because his big American brother helped
+      him to drive away the Spaniard that he could never have gotten rid of
+      alone, and with no respect for the American who helped, and only meets him
+      respectfully because he is afraid of being thrown into the ocean if he is
+      impudent, and the worst class of Yankee grafters and highway robbers that
+      have ever been allowed to stray away from the land of the free. That is
+      what Cuba is to-day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soulless Yankee corporations have got hold of most of the branches of
+      business that there is any money in, and the things that do not pay and
+      never can be made to pay, are for sale to tenderfeet. The cuban hates the
+      Yankee, the Yankee hates the Cuban, and the Spaniard hates both, and both
+      hate him. In Havana your hotel, owned by a Cuban, run by a Yankee, with a
+      Spanish or Portuguese cashier, will take all the money you bring into it
+      for a bed at night, and hold your baggage till your can cable for money to
+      buy breakfast. It is a &ldquo;free country,&rdquo; of course, run by men who will fly
+      high as long as they can borrow money for some one else to pay after they
+      are dead, but within ten years the taxes will eat the people so they will
+      be head over heels in debt to the Yankee and the Spaniard, the German and
+      the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Italian, and some day warships will
+      sail into Havana harbor, over the submerged bones of the &ldquo;Maine,&rdquo; and
+      there will be a fight for juicy morsels of the Cuban dead horse, by the
+      congregated buzzards of strange navies, unless they shall shake the dice
+      for the carcass, and by carefully loading the dice saw the whole thing off
+      on to Uncle Sam, and make him pay the debts of the deceased republic, and
+      act as administrator for the benefit of the children of the sawed off
+      republic, whose only asset now is climate that feels good, but contains
+      germs of all diseases, and tobacco that smells good when it is in
+      conflagration under your nose, and does not kill instantly if it is pasted
+      up in a Wisconsin wrapper, that is the pure goods. If tobacco ever ceases
+      to be a fad with the rich consumer of fifty-cent cigars, and beet sugar is
+      found to contain no first aid to Bright's disease, Cuba will amount to
+      about as much as Dry Tortugas, which has purer air, and the Isle of Pines,
+      which has more tropical scenery and less yellow fever. But now the Island
+      of Cuba is a joy, and Havana is like Heaven, until you come to pay your
+      bill, when it is hell. Streets so wide you cannot see a creditor on the
+      other side, pavements as smooth as the road to perdition, and tropical
+      trees, plants and flowers, with birds of rare plumage, you feel like
+      sitting on a cold bench in the shade, and wishing all your friends were
+      here to enjoy a taste of what will come to those who are truly good, in
+      the hereafter, when suddenly you are taken with a chill up the spinal
+      column, and a cold sweat comes out on the forehead, and the internal
+      arrangements go on a strike because of the cold, perspiring cucumber you
+      had for lunch, and you go to the doctor, who does not do a thing to you,
+      but scare you out of your boots by talking of cholera, and giving you the
+      card of his partner, the undertaker, telling you never to think of dying
+      in a tropical country without being embalmed, because you look so much
+      better when you are delivered at your home by the express company, and
+      then he gives you pills and a bill, and an alarm clock that goes off every
+      hour to take a pill by, and furnishes you an officer to go home to your
+      hotel with you to collect his bill, and you pawn your watch and sleeve
+      buttons for a steerage ticket to New York, where you arrive as soon as the
+      Lord will let you, and stay as long as He thinks is good for you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad has not been much good in Havana, cause he wanted to see the whole
+      business in one day. He got a row boat and went out in the harbor to where
+      the back-bone of the &ldquo;Maine&rdquo; acts as a monument to the fellows who yet
+      sleep in the mud of the bottom, and after tying a little American flag on
+      the rigging that sticks up above the water, and damning the villains who
+      blew up the good ship, we went back to town and drove out to the cemetery
+      where several hundred of our boys are buried, where we left flowers on the
+      graves and a cuss in the balmy air for the guilty wretches who fired the
+      bomb, and then we went back to the city and walked the beautiful streets,
+      until dad began to have cramps, from trying to eat all the fruit he could
+      hold, and then it was all off, and I was going to call a carriage to take
+      him to the hotel, when dad saw a negro astride a single ox, hitched to a
+      cart, who had come in from the country, and dad said he wanted to ride in
+      that cart, if it was the last act of his life, and as dad was beginning to
+      swell up from the fruit he had eaten, I thought he better ride in an open
+      cart, cause in a carriage he might swell up so we couldn't get him out of
+      the door when we got to the hotel, so I hired the negro, got dad in the
+      cart, and we started, but the ox walked so slow I was afraid we would
+      never get dad there alive, so I told the negro dad had the cholera, and
+      that settled, for he kicked the slats of the ox in with his heels, and the
+      ox bellowed and run away, and the negro turned pale from fright, and I
+      guess the runaway ride on the cobble stone pavement was what saved dad's
+      life, for the swelling in dad's inside began to go down, and when we got
+      to the hotel he got out of the cart alone, and I knew he was better, for
+      he shook himself, gulluped up wind, and said, &ldquo;You think you are smart,
+      don't you?&rdquo; So I will close.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0098" id="linkimage-0098">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/382.jpg" alt="The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
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+  </body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
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+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #25489 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25489)
diff --git a/old/25489-h.htm.2021-01-25 b/old/25489-h.htm.2021-01-25
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+
+<!DOCTYPE html
+   PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    .pagenum   {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal;
+               margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%;
+               text-align: right;}
+    pre     { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+</style>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, by George W. Peck
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Peck's Bad Boy Abroad
+       Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad
+              in Their Journeys Through Foreign Lands - 1904
+
+Author: George W. Peck
+
+Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25489]
+Last Updated: October 5, 2016
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+            <img alt="spine (62K)" src="images/spine.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+          </div>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+            <img alt="cover (200K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+          </div>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img alt="004 (105K)" src="images/004.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img alt="titlepage (79K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      By Hon. Geo. W. Peck
+    </h2>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p>
+        Being a Humorous Description of the Bad Boy and His Dad in Their
+        Journeys Through Foreign Lands, Their Visits to Crowned Heads, the
+        Manners and Customs of the People, and the Bad Boy's Never Ending
+        Efforts to Provide Fun No Matter Where He Is.
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <h3>
+      Profusely Illustrated by D. S. Groesbeck and R. W. Taylor
+    </h3>
+    <h4>
+      THOMPSON &amp; THOMAS - 1904
+    </h4>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      Contents
+    </h2>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_TOC"> DETAILED CONTENTS </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <big><b>PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD.</b></big>
+            </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      List of Illustrations
+    </h2>
+    <table summary="">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Don't Shoot, Please 019 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's
+            Arctic Overshoes 027 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase
+            31 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0005"> He Began to Dance All Around the Platform
+            037 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0006"> Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the
+            Porter 042 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0007"> President Began to Curl up his Lip 045
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0008"> I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch
+            047 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0009"> Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George
+            and Martha 050 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0010"> Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants
+            057 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0011"> The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0012"> One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0013"> Night Watchman Came in With a House
+            Policeman 071 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0014"> I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More
+            Than I Do 074 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0015"> A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen
+            078 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Snarl at Everybody They See 101 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0018"> Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those
+            Princes 098 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0019"> Beefeater's Stampede 107 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0020"> Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0021"> Settling the Irish Question 115 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0022"> God Save the King 119 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0023"> He Went over Backwards 121 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0024"> Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of
+            The Heroes 126 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0025"> Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0026"> Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to
+            Wad a Gun 131 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0027"> Dad Drove the Dukes out 135 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0028"> Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0029"> A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0030"> I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0031"> Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed
+            148 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0032"> Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word
+            &ldquo;bishop&rdquo; 153 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0033"> Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail
+            155 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0034"> Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and
+            Women 157 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0035"> He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0036"> Dance, Like They Had Seen the People
+            Dance at The Show 164 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0037"> A System of Gambling 162 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0038"> Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke
+            166 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0039"> Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up
+            Another Roll 171 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0040"> Started in on a Democratic Speech 175
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0041"> Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to
+            Say a Prayer 178 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0042"> Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet
+            181 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0043"> Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened
+            183 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0044"> Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till
+            Morning 188 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0045"> Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just
+            Giving to Beggars 191 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0046"> Overboard, One Yell in the English
+            Language, One In Eye-talian 193 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0047"> Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do
+            You 197 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0048"> Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0049"> Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0050"> Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0051"> The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a
+            Sight 210 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0052"> It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old
+            Baldhead 214 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0053"> And She Was Stroking his Hair 217 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0054"> He Was Yelling for Water 223 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0055"> Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0056"> It Brought on a Revolution 227 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0057"> What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of
+            Amusement 230 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0058"> Went over in the Sand and Struck his
+            Pants on a Cactus 233 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0059"> He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0060"> Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me
+            238 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0061"> For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0062"> He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and
+            Throw Me Into a Pile 246 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0063"> The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just
+            Doted On Americans 250 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0064"> See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money
+            253 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0065"> A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed
+            Him over The Back 258 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0066"> Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a
+            Revolver 255 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0067"> Hung by One Pant Leg 264 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0068"> Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0069"> Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0070"> Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271
+            </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0071"> When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and
+            Petted It 276 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0072"> Get out You Hounds 282 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0073"> There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
+            To-night 279 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0074"> Another Took Me by the Ear 285 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0075"> He Must Bring his Folks, and All His
+            Wives 289 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0076"> He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0077"> Stampede 299 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0078"> It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To
+            American Epidermis 304 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0079"> Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf
+            308 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0080"> Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids
+            311 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0081"> I Was Ashamed of Dad 319 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0082"> Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0083"> Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0084"> Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The
+            Banks Will Cave In 329 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0085"> Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would
+            Split Hisself 333 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0086"> Breathed in his Face 339 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0087"> The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne
+            Pepper Candy 347 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0088"> Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0089"> Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns
+            349 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0090"> There is Laughter Everywhere 353 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0091"> And So This is the Champion Little Devil
+            of America 357 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0092"> Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and
+            Scratched his Back 364 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0093"> Began to Sell Things To Dad 368 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0094"> Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That
+            Swimming Place 372 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0095"> I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side
+            378 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0096"> When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes
+            375 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0097"> Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants
+            386 </a>
+          </p>
+          <p class="toc">
+            <a href="#linkimage-0098"> The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382 </a>
+          </p>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CONTENTS
+    </h2>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER I. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Groceryman
+        After Being Away at <br /> School&mdash;The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER II. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels&mdash;The
+        Bad Boy Labels the <br /> Old Man's Suit Case&mdash;How the Cowboys Made
+        Him Dance Once <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER III. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to
+        Washington&mdash;He <br /> and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt&mdash;The
+        Bad Boy Meets One of the <br /> Children and They Disagree <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER IV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon&mdash;Dad
+        Weeps at the Grave of <br /> the Father of Our Country <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER V. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the
+        Waldorf-Astoria&mdash;The Bad Boy <br /> Orders Dinner&mdash;The Old Man
+        Gets Stuck&mdash;Tries to Rescue a Countess in <br /> Distress <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER VI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean
+        Voyages&mdash;His Dad Has <br /> an Argument Over a Steamer Chair. <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER VII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog&mdash;Call on Astor&mdash;A
+        Dynamite Outrage <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER VIII. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the
+        White-chapel <br /> District&mdash;He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower
+        of London <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER IX. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost
+        Settle the Irish <br /> Question <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER X. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen&mdash;¦
+        They Get a Taste <br /> of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story of
+        the Picklemaker's <br /> Daughter <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About Paris&mdash;Tells About the
+        Trip Across the English <br /> Channel&mdash;Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets
+        Arrested <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XII. <br /> The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris&mdash;Dad
+        Poses as a Mormon Bishop <br /> and Has to Be Rescued&mdash;They Climb
+        the Eiffel Tower and the Old Man Gets <br /> Converted <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XIII. <br /> The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a
+        Scheme to Break the <br /> Bank, But They Go Broke&mdash;The Party in
+        Trouble <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XIV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride&mdash;They
+        Run Over a <br /> Peasant&mdash;Climb &ldquo;Glaziers&rdquo;&mdash;Dad Falls Over a
+        Precipice, But Is Rescued by <br /> the Guides After a Hard Time of It
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XV. <br /> Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist&mdash;They Give Alms to
+        the Beggars and the Bad <br /> Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the
+        Grand Canal <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XVI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes from Naples&mdash;Dad Sees
+        Vesuvius and Calls the Servants <br /> to Put Out the Fire&mdash;They
+        Have Trouble with a &ldquo;Dago&rdquo; in Pompeii <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XVII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius&mdash;A
+        Chicago Lady Joins the Party <br /> and Causes Trouble <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XVIII. <br /> The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian
+        Children&mdash;Dad is Chased by <br /> Lions from the Coliseum&mdash;&rdquo;
+         Not Any More Rome for Papa,&rdquo; says Dad <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XIX. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope&mdash;They Bow
+        to, the King of Italy <br /> and His Nine Spots&mdash;Dad Finds That &ldquo;The
+        Catacombs&rdquo; Is Not a Comic Opera <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XX. <br /> The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the
+        Trouble They Had to <br /> Get There&mdash;Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It
+        Up with the People and Soldiers <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXI. <br /> Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints&mdash;'The
+        Bad Boy Arranges a Wolf <br /> Hunt&mdash;Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy
+        to the Wolves <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXII. <br /> Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople&mdash;They
+        Find the Turks <br /> Sensitive on the Dog Question&mdash;A College Yell
+        for the Sultan Sends Him <br /> Into a Fit <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXIII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem&mdash;&ldquo;Little
+        Egypt&rdquo; Does <br /> a Dancing Stunt&mdash;The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty
+        Wives to the President <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXIV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo&mdash;At the
+        Hotel They Meet Some <br /> Egyptian Princesses&mdash;Dad Rides a Camel
+        to the Pyramids and Meets with <br /> Difficulties <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXV. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids&mdash;The
+        Bad Boy Lights a Cannon <br /> Cracker in Rameses' Tomb&mdash;They Flee
+        from Egypt in Disguise <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXVI. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar&mdash;The
+        Irish-English Army&mdash;How He Would <br /> Take the Fortress&mdash;Dad
+        Wants to Buy the &ldquo;Rock&rdquo; <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXVII. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes of Spain&mdash;They call On the
+        King and the Bad Boy Is At <br /> It Once More&mdash;They See a Bull
+        Fight and Dad Does a Turn <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXVIII. <br /> The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin&mdash;They Call
+        On Emperor William and His <br /> Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on
+        Them All <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXIX. <br /> The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels&mdash;He and Dad
+        See the Field of Waterloo <br /> and Call on King Leopold, and Dad and
+        the King Go in for a Swim&mdash;The Bad <br /> Boy, a Dog and Some Goats
+        Do the Rest <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        CHAPTER XXX. <br /> The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter About Holland and Cuba&mdash;Dad
+        and the Boy Go <br /> for a Drive in a Dog-Cart&mdash;They Have a Great
+        Time&mdash;Land in Cuba and See <br /> the Island We Fought For <br />
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      PECK'S BAD BOY ABROAD.
+    </h1>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Grocery-man After
+     Being Away at School&mdash;The Bad Boy's Dad in a Bad Way.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The bad boy had been away to school, but the illness of his father had
+      called him home, and for some weeks he had been looking about the old
+      town. He had found few of his old friends. His father had recovered
+      somewhat from his illness, and one day he met his old chum, a boy of his
+      own age. The bad boy and the chum got busy at once, talking over the old
+      times that tried the souls of the neighbors and finally the bad boy asked
+      about the old groceryman, and found that the old man still held out at the
+      old stand, with the same old stock of groceries, and they decided to call
+      upon him, and surprise him. So after it began to be dark they entered the
+      store, and found the old groceryman sitting on a cracker box by the stove,
+      stroking the back of an old maltese cat that had a yellow streak on the
+      back, where it had been singed by crawling under the red-hot stove. As the
+      boys entered the store the cat raised its back, its tail became as large
+      as a rolling pin, and the cat began to spit, while the old groceryman held
+      up both hands and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/019.jpg" alt="Don't Shoot, Please 019 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't shoot, please, but one of you go behind the counter and take what
+      there is in the cash drawer, while the other one can reach into my pistol
+      pocket and release my pocketbook. This is the fifth time I have been held
+      up this year, and I have got so if I am not held up about so often I can't
+      sleep nights.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, put down your hands and straighten out that cat's back,&rdquo; said the bad
+      boy, as he slapped the old groceryman on the back so hard his spine
+      cracked like a frozen sidewalk. &ldquo;Don't you know us, you old geezer? We are
+      the only and original Peck's Bad Boy and his Chum, come to life, and ready
+      for business,&rdquo; and the two boys danced a jig on the floor, covered an inch
+      thick with the spilled sugar of years ago, the molasses that had strayed
+      from barrel, and the general refuse of the dirty place, which had become
+      as hard as asphalt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, dear, it is worse than I thought,&rdquo; said the old groceryman as he
+      laughed a hysterical laugh through the long whiskers, and he hugged the
+      boys as though he had a liking for them, notwithstanding the suffering
+      they had caused him. &ldquo;By gosh, I thought you were nothing but common
+      robbers, who just wanted my money. You are old friends, and can have the
+      whole place,&rdquo; and he poured some milk into a basin for the cat, but the
+      animal only looked at the two boys as though she knew them, and watched
+      them to see what was coming next.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The bad boy looked around the old grocery, which had not changed a
+      particle during the time he had been away, the same old box of petrified
+      prunes, the dried apples that could not be cut with a hatchet, the canned
+      stuff on the shelves had become so old that the labels had curled up and
+      fallen off, so it must have been a guess with the old groceryman whether
+      he was selling a can of peas or tomatoes, and the old fellow standing
+      there as though the world had gone off and left him, as his customers had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, wouldn't this skin you,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as he took up a dried
+      prune and tried to crack it with a hatchet on a two-pound weight, turning
+      to his chum who was stroking the singed hair of the old cat the wrong way.
+      &ldquo;Say, old man, you ought to get a hustle on you. Why don't you clean out
+      this shebang, and put in a new stock, of goods, and have clerks with white
+      aprons on, and a girl bookkeeper, and goods that people will buy and eat
+      and not get sick? There is a grocery down street that is as clean as a
+      whistle, and I notice all your old customers go there. Why don't you keep
+      up with the times?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, I ain't running a dude place,&rdquo; said the old man, as he took a piece of
+      soft coal and put it in the old round stove, and wiped the black off his
+      hands on his trousers. &ldquo;I am trying to get rid of my customers. I have got
+      money enough to live on, and I just stay here waiting for the old cat to
+      die. I have only got six customers left, and one of them has got
+      pneumonia, and is going to die, then there will be only five. When they
+      are all gone I shall sit here by the stove until the end comes. There is
+      nothing doing now to keep me awake, since you boys quit getting me mad.
+      Say, boys, do you know, I haven't been real mad since you quit coming
+      here. The only fun I have had is swearing at my customers when they stick
+      up their noses at my groceries. It's the funniest thing, when I tell an
+      old customer that if they don't like my goods they can go plum to thunder,
+      they get mad and go somewhere else to trade. Times must be changing. Years
+      ago, the more I abused customers the more they liked it, and I just
+      charged the goods to them with a pencil on a piece of brown wrapping
+      paper. I had four cracker boxes full of brown wrapping paper with things
+      charged on the paper against customers, but when anybody wanted to pay
+      their account it made my head ache to find it, and so one day I balanced
+      my books by using the brown wrapping paper to kindle the fire. If you ever
+      want to get even with the world, easy, just pour a little kerosene on your
+      accounts, and put them in the stove. I have never been so free from worry
+      as I have since I balanced my books in the stove. Well, I suppose you have
+      come home on account of your dad's sickness,&rdquo; said the old groceryman,
+      turning to the bad boy, who had written a sign, 'The Morgue,' and pinned
+      it on the window. &ldquo;I understand your dad had an operation performed on him
+      in a hospital. What did the doctors take out of him?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dad had an operation all right,&rdquo; said the bad boy, &ldquo;but he is not as much
+      interested in what they took out of him, as what he thinks they left in.
+      They said they removed his appendix, and I guess they did, for dad showed
+      me the bill the doctors rendered. The bill was big enough so they might
+      have taken out a whole lot more. If I had been home I would never have let
+      him be cut into, but ma insisted that he must have an operation. She said
+      all the men on our street, and all that moved in our set, had had
+      operations, and she was ashamed to go out in society and be forced to
+      admit that dad never had an operation, She told dad that he could afford
+      it better than half the people that had operations, and that a scar
+      criss-cross on the stomach was a badge of honor. He never got a scar in
+      the army, and she simply would not be able to look people in the face
+      unless dad was operated on. Dad always was subject to stomach ache, but
+      until appendicitis became fashionable he had always taken a mess of pills,
+      and come out all right, but ma diagnosed the case the last time he was
+      doubled up like a jack-knife, and dad was hustled off to the hospital, and
+      they didn't do a thing to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He told me about it since I came home, and now he lays the whole thing to
+      ma, and I have to stand between them. He is going to get even with ma,
+      though. The first time she complains of anything going on inside of her
+      works, he is going to send her right to a hospital and have the doctors do
+      their worst. Dad said to me, says he:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Hennery, if you ever feel anything like a caucus being held inside you,
+      don't you ever go to a hospital, but just swallow a stick of dynamite and
+      light the fuse, then there won't be anything left inside to bother you
+      afterwards. When I got to the hospital they stripped me for a prize fight,
+      put me on a table made of glass, and rolled me into the operating room,
+      gave me chloroform and when they thought I was all in, they took an axe
+      and chopped me. I could feel every blow, and it is a wonder they left
+      enough of your old dad for you to hug when you came home.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say, it is kind of pitiful to hear dad talk about the things they left in
+      him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What things does he think they left in him,&rdquo; asked the old groceryman, as
+      he looked frightened, and felt of his stomach, as though he mistrusted
+      there might be something wrong with him, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, dad has been reading in the papers about doctors that perform
+      operations leaving sponges, forceps, and things inside of patients, when
+      they close up the place, and since dad has got pretty fussy since his
+      operation he thinks they left something in him. Some days he thinks they
+      left a roll of cotton batting, or a pillow, or a bale of hay, but when
+      there is a sharp pain inside he thinks they left a carving knife, but for
+      a week he has settled down to the belief that the doctors left a monkey
+      wrench in him, and he is just daffy on that subject. Says he can feel it
+      turning around, as though it was miscrewing machinery, and he wants to
+      consult a new doctor every day as to what he can take to dissolve a monkey
+      wrench, so it will pass off through the blood and pores of the skin. He
+      has taken it into his head that nothing will save his life except to
+      travel all over the country, and the world. I am to go with him to look
+      after him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/025.jpg" alt="Doctors Left a Monkey Wrench in Him 025 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By ginger, it's great! Just think of it. Traveling all over the world and
+      nothing to do but nurse my old dad who thinks he is filled with hardware
+      and carpenter's tools. Gee! but I wish you could go,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as
+      he put him arm around his chum. &ldquo;Maybe we wouldn't make these foreigners
+      sit up and take an interest in something besides Royalty and Riots.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said the groceryman, &ldquo;they will have my sympathy with you alone
+      over there.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But before you start on the road with your monkey-wrench show, you come
+      in here and let me put up a package of those prunes to take along. They
+      will keep in any climate, and there is nothing better for iron in the
+      blood, such as your dad has, than prunes. Call again, bub, and we will
+      arrange for you to write to your chum from all the places you go with your
+      dad, and he can come in here and read the letters to me and the cat.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All right, old Father Time,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as he drew a mug of cider
+      out of the vinegar barrel, and took a swallow. &ldquo;But what you want to do is
+      to get a road scraper and drive a team through this grocery, and clean the
+      floor,&rdquo; and the boys went out just ahead of the old man's arctic
+      overshoes, as he kicked at them, and then he went back and sat down by the
+      stove and stroked the cat, which had got its back down level again, after
+      its old enemies had gone down the street, throwing snowballs at the driver
+      of a hearse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/027.jpg"
+       alt="Went out Just Ahead of the Old Man's Arctic Overshoes 027 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is a solemn occupation to drive a hearse,&rdquo; said the bad boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Not so solemn as riding inside,&rdquo; said the chum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels&mdash;The Bad Boy
+     Labels the Old Man's Suit Case&mdash;How the Cowboys Made Him
+     Dance Once.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The old groceryman was in front of the grocery, bent oyer a box of
+      rutabagas, turning the decayed sides down to make the possible customer
+      think all was not as bad as it might be, when a shrill whistle down the
+      street attracted his attention. He looked in the direction from which it
+      came, and saw the bad boy coming with a suit case in one hand and a sole
+      leather hat box in the other, and the old man went in the store to say a
+      silent prayer, and to lay a hatchet and an ax handle where he could reach
+      them if the worst came.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, you want to get a good look at me now,&rdquo; said the bad boy, as he
+      dropped the valise on the floor, and put the hat box on the counter, &ldquo;for
+      it will be months and maybe years, before you see me again.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, joy!&rdquo; said the old groceryman, as he heaved a sigh, and tried to look
+      sorry. &ldquo;What is it, reform school, or have the police ordered you out of
+      town? I have felt it coming for a long time. This is the only town you
+      could have plied your vocation so long in and not been pulled. Where are
+      you going with the dude suit case and the hat box?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, dad has got a whole mess more diseases, and the doctors had a
+      conversation over him Sunday, and they say he has got to go away again,
+      right now, and that a sea voyage will brace him up and empty him out so
+      medicine over in Europe can get in its work and strengthen him so he can
+      start back after a while and probably die on the way home, and be buried
+      at sea. Dad says he will go, for he had rather die at sea than on land,
+      'cause they don't have to have any trouble about a funeral, 'cause all
+      they do is to sew a man up in a piece of cloth, tie a sack of coal to his
+      feet, slide him off a board, and he goes kerplunk down into the salt water
+      about a mile, and stands there on his feet and makes the whales and sharks
+      think he is a new kind of fish.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gee! but that is a programme that appeals to me as sort of uncanny,&rdquo; said
+      the old man. &ldquo;Is your dad despondent over the outlook? What new disease
+      has he got?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/031.jpg"
+       alt="Pasted a Tomato Can Label on the Suitcase 31 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All of 'em,&rdquo; said the boy, as he took a label off a tomato can and pasted
+      it on the end of the suit case. &ldquo;You take an almanac and read about all
+      the diseases that the medicine advertised in the almanac cures, and dad
+      has got the whole lot of them, nervous prostration, rheumatism, liver
+      trouble, stomach busted, lungs congested, diaphragm turned over, heart
+      disease, bronchitis, corns, bunions, every darn thing a man can catch
+      without costing him anything. But he is not despondent. He just thinks it
+      is an evidence of genius, and a certificate of standing in society and
+      wealth. He argues that the poor people who have only one disease are not
+      in it with statesmen and scholars. Oh, he is all right. He thinks if he
+      goes to Europe all knocked out, he will class with emperors and dukes. Oh,
+      since he had that operation and had his appendix chopped out, he thinks
+      there is a bond of sympathy between him and King Edward that will cause
+      him to be invited to be the guest of royalty. He is just daffy,&rdquo; and the
+      bad boy took a sapolio label out of a box and pasted it on the other end
+      of the valise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What in thunder and lightning are you pasting those labels on your valise
+      for?&rdquo; said the old man, as the boy reached for a Quaker oats label and a
+      soap advertisement and pasted them on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, dad said he wished he had some foreign labels of hotels and things on
+      his valise, to make fellow travelers believe he had been abroad before,
+      and I told him I could fix it all right. You see, if I paste things all
+      over the valise he will think it is all right, 'cause he is near sighted,&rdquo;
+       and the boy pasted on a label for 37 varieties of pickles, and then put on
+      an advertisement for hair restorer on the hat box.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say, here's a fine one, this malted milk label, with a New Jersey cow on
+      the corner,&rdquo; said the old man, as he began to take interest in the boy's
+      talent as an artist. &ldquo;And here, try one of these green pea can labels, and
+      the pork and beans legend, and the only soap. Say, if you and your dad
+      don't create a sensation from the minute you take the train till you get
+      back, you can take it out of my wages. When are you going?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;To-morrow night,&rdquo; said the boy, as he put more labels on the hat box, and
+      stood off and looked at them with the eye of an artist. &ldquo;We go to New York
+      first to stay a few days and see things, and then we take a steamer and
+      sail away, and the sicker dad is the more time I will have to fill up on
+      useful nollig.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hennery,&rdquo; said the old groceryman, as his chin trembled, and a tear came
+      to his eye. &ldquo;I want to ask you a favor. At times, when you have been
+      unusually mean, I have thought I hated you, but when I have said something
+      ugly to you, and have laid awake all night regretting it, it has occurred
+      to me that you were about the best friend I had. I think it makes an old
+      man forget his years, to be chummy with a live boy, full of ginger, and I
+      do like you, condemn you, and I can't help it. Now I want you to write me
+      every little while, on your trip, and I will read your letters to the
+      customers here in the store, who will be lonely until they can hear that
+      you are dead. The neighbors will come in to read your letters, and it will
+      bring me custom. Will you write to me, boy, and pour out your heart to me,
+      and tell me of the different troubles you get your dad into, for surely
+      you cannot help finding trouble over there if you go hunting for it.
+      Promise me, boy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You bet your life I will, old pard,&rdquo; said the bad boy. &ldquo;I shall have to
+      have some escape valve to keep from busting. I was going to write to my
+      chum, but he is in love with a telephone girl, and he don't take any time
+      for pleasure. I will write you about every dutch and duchess we meet,
+      every prince and pauper, and everything. You watch my smoke, and you will
+      think there is a train afire. I hope dad will try and restrain himself
+      from wanting to fight everybody that belongs to any country but America.
+      He has bought one one these little silk American flags to wear in his
+      button hole, and he swears if anybody looks cross-eyed at that flag he
+      will simply cut his liver out, and toast it on a fork, and eat it. He
+      makes me tired, and I know there is going to be trouble.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't you think your dad's mind sort of wanders?&rdquo; said the old
+      groceryman, in a whisper, &ldquo;It wouldn't be strange, after all he has gone
+      through, in raising you up to your present size, if he was a little off
+      his base.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, ma thinks he is bug-house, and the hired girl is willing to go into
+      court and swear to it, and that experience we had coming home from the
+      Yellowstone park some time ago, made me think if he was not crazy he would
+      be before long, You see, we had a hot box on the engine, and had to stay
+      at a station in the bad lands for an hour, and there were a mess of cow
+      boys on the platform, and I told dad we might as well have some amusement
+      while we were there, and that a brake-man told me the cow boys were great
+      dancers, but you couldn't hire them to dance, but if some man with a
+      strong personality would demand that they dance, and put his hand on his
+      pistol pocket they would all jump in and dance for an hour. That was
+      enough for dad, for he has a microbe that he is a man of strong
+      personality, and that when he demands that anybody do something they
+      simply got to do it, so he walked up and down the platform a couple of
+      times to get his draw poker face on, and I went up to one of the cow boys
+      and told him that the old duffer used to be a ballet dancer, and he
+      thought everybody ought to dance when they were told to, and that if the
+      spell should come on him, and he should order them to dance, it would be a
+      great favor to me if they would just give him a double shuffle or two,
+      just to ease his mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, pretty soon he came along to where the cowboys were leaning against
+      the railing, and, looking at them in a haughty manner, he said: 'Dance,
+      you kiotes, dance,' and he put his hand to his pistol pocket. Well, sir, I
+      never saw so much fun in my life. Four of the cow boys pulled revolvers
+      and began to shoot regular bullets into the platform within an inch of
+      dad's feet, and they yelled to him: 'Dance your own self, you ancient
+      maverick; whoop 'er up!' and by gosh! dad was so frightened that he began
+      to dance all around the platform, and it was like a battle, the bullets
+      splintering the boards, and the smoke filling the air, and the passengers
+      looking out of the windows and laughing, and the engineer and fireman
+      looking on and yelling, and dad nearly exhausted from the exertion. I
+      guess if the conductor had not got the hot box put out and yelled all
+      aboard, dad would have had apoplexy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/037.jpg"
+       alt="He Began to Dance All Around the Platform 037 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When he let up, the cow boys quit shooting, and he! 'ol aboard the train
+      and started. I stayed in the smoking car with the train butcher for more
+      than an hour, 'cause I was afraid if I went in the car where dad was he
+      would make some remark that would offend my pride, and when I did go back
+      to the car he just said: 'Somebody fooled you. Those fellows couldn't
+      dance, and I knew it all the time.' Yes, I guess there is no doubt dad is
+      crazy sometimes, but let me chaperone him through a few foreign countries
+      and he will stand without hitching all right. Well, goodby, now, old man,
+      and try and bear up under it, till you get a letter from me,&rdquo; and the bad
+      boy took his labeled valise and hat box and started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes About the Fun They Had Going to
+     Washington&mdash;He and His Dad Call on President Roosevelt&mdash;
+     The Bad Boy Meets One of the Children and They Disagree.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Washington, D. C&mdash;My Dear Old Skate: I didn't tell you in my last
+      about the fun we had getting here. We were on the ocean wave two days,
+      because the whole country was flooded from the rains, and dad walked the
+      quarter deck of the Pullman car, and hitched up his pants, and looked
+      across the sea on each side of the train with a field glass, looking for
+      whales and porpoises. He seems to be impressed with the idea that this
+      trip abroad is one of great significance to the country, and that he is to
+      be a sort of minister plenipotentiary, whatever that is, and that our
+      country is going to be judged by the rest of the world by the position he
+      takes on world affairs. The first day out of Chicago dad corraled the
+      porter in a section and talked to him until the porter was black in the
+      face. I told dad the only way to get respectful consideration from a negro
+      was to advocate lynching and burning at the stake, for the slightest
+      things, so when our porter was unusually attentive to a young woman on the
+      car dad hauled him over the coals, and scared him so by talking of
+      hanging, and burning in kerosene oil, that the negro got whiter than your
+      shirt, and when he got away from dad he came to me and asked if that old
+      man with the red nose and the gold-headed cane was as dangerous as he
+      talked. I told him he was my dad, and that he was a walking delegate of
+      the Amalgamated Association of Negro Lynchers, and when a negro did
+      anything that he ought to be punished for they sent for dad, and he took
+      charge of the proceedings and saw that the negro was hanged, and shot, and
+      burned up plenty. But I told him that dad was crazy on the subject of
+      giving tips to servants, and he must not fall dead when we got to
+      Washington if dad gave him a $50 bill, and he must not give back any
+      change, but just act as though he always got $50 from passengers. Well,
+      you'd a dide to see that negro brush dad 50 times a day, and bring a towel
+      every few minutes to wipe off his shoes, but he kept one eye,' about as
+      big as an onion, on dad all the time, to watch that he didn't get stabbed.
+      The next morning I took dad's pants from under his pillow, and hid them in
+      a linen closet, and dad laid in his berth all the forenoon, and had it out
+      with the porter, whom he accused of stealing them. The doctors told me I
+      must keep dad interested and excited, so he would not dwell on his
+      sickness, and I did, sure as you are a foot high. Dad stood it till almost
+      noon, when he came out of his berth with his pajamas on, these kind with
+      great blue stripes like a fellow in the penitentiary, and when he went to
+      the wash room I found his pants and then he dressed up and swore some at
+      everybody but me. We got to Washington all right, and I thought I would
+      bust when dad fished out a nickel and gave it to the porter, and we got
+      out of the car before the porter came to, and the first day we stayed in
+      the hotel for fear the negro would see us, as I told dad that porter would
+      round up a gang of negroes with razors and they would waylay us and cut
+      dad all up into sausage meat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/041.jpg"
+       alt="Fished out a Nickel and Gave It to the Porter 041 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad is the bravest man I ever saw when there is no danger, but when there
+      is a chance for a row he is weak as a cat. I spect it is on account of his
+      heart being weak. A man's internal organs are a great study. I spose a
+      brave man, a hero, has to have all his inside things working together, to
+      be real up and up brave, but if his heart is strong, and his liver is
+      white, he goes to pieces in an emergency, and if his liver is all right,
+      and he tries to fight just on his liver, when the supreme moment arrives,
+      and his heart jumps up into his throat, and wabbles and beats too quick,
+      he just flunks. I would like to dissect a real brave man, and see what
+      condition the things inside him are in, but it would be a waste of time to
+      dissect dad, 'cause I know all his inner works need to go to a watchmaker
+      and be cleaned, and a new main spring put in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, this morning dad shaved himself, and got on his frock coat, and his
+      silk hat, and said we would go over to the white house and have a talk
+      with Teddy, but first he wanted to go and see where Jefferson hitched his
+      horse to the fence when he came to Washington to be innogerated, and where
+      Jackson smoked his corn cob pipe, and swore and stormed around when he was
+      mad, and to walk on the same paths where Zachariah Taylor Zacked, Buchanan
+      catched it, and Lincoln put down the rebellion, and so we walked over
+      toward the white house, and I was scandalized. I stopped to pick up a
+      stone to throw at a dog inside the fence, and when I walked along behind
+      dad, and got a rear view of his silk hat, it seemed as though I would sink
+      through the asphalt pavement, for he had on an old silk hat that he wore
+      before the war, the darnedest looking hat I ever saw, the brim curled like
+      a minstrel show hat, the fur rubbed off in some places, and he looked like
+      one of these actors that you see pictures of walking on the railroad
+      track, when the show busts up at the last town. I think a man ought to
+      dress so his young son won't have a fit. I tried to get dad to go and buy
+      a new hat, but he said he was going to wait till he got to London, and buy
+      one just like King Edward wears, but he will never get to London with that
+      hat, 'cause to-night I will throw it out of the hotel window and put a
+      piece of stove pipe in his hat box.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you wouldn't believe it, but we got into the white house
+      without being pulled, but it was a close shave, 'cause everybody looked at
+      dad, and put their forefingers to their foreheads, for they thought he was
+      either a crank, or an ambassador from some furrin country. The detectives
+      got around dad when we got into the anteroom, and began to feel of his
+      pockets to see if he had a gun, and one of them asked me what the old
+      fellow wanted, and I told them he was the greatest bob cat shooter in the
+      west, and was on his way to Europe to invite the emperors and things to
+      come over to this country and shoot cats on his preserve. Well, say, you
+      ought to have seen how they stepped one side and waltzed around, and one
+      of them went in the next room and told the president dad was there, and
+      before we knew it we were in the president's room, and the president began
+      to curl up his lip, and show his teeth like some one had said &ldquo;rats.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/045.jpg" alt="President Began to Curl up his Lip 045 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He got hold of dad's hand, and dad backed off as though he was afraid of
+      being bitten, and then they sat down and talked about mountain lion and
+      cat shooting, and dad said he had a 22 rifle that he could pick a cat off
+      the back fence with every time, out of his bedroom window, and I began to
+      look around at the pictures. Dad and the president talked about all kinds
+      of shooting, from mudhens to moose, and then dad told the president he was
+      going abroad on account of his liver, and wanted a letter of introduction
+      to some of the kings and emperors, and queens, and jacks, and all the face
+      cards, and the president said he made it a practice not to give any
+      personal letters to his friends, the kings, but that dad could tell any of
+      them that he met that he was an American citizen, and that would take him
+      anywhere in Europe, and then he got up and began to show his teeth at dad
+      again, and dad gave him the grand hailing sign of distress of the Grand
+      Army and backed out, dropped his hat, and in trying to pick it up, he
+      stepped on it, but that made it look better, anyway, and we found
+      ourselves outside the room, and a lot of common people from the country
+      were ready to go in and talk politics and cat shooting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we looked at pictures, and saw the state dining room where they feed
+      50 diplomats at a time on mud turtle and champagne, and a boy about my
+      size looked sort of disdainful at me, and I told him it he would come
+      outside I would mash his jaw, and he said I could try it right there if I
+      was in a hurry to go, and I was starting to give him a swift punch when a
+      detective took hold of my arm and said they couldn't have any scrap there,
+      'cause the president's son could not fight with common boys, and I asked
+      him who he called a common boy, and then dad said we better go before war
+      broke out in a country that was illy prepared for hostilities on a large
+      scale, and then I told a detective that dad was liable to have one of his
+      spells and begin shooting any minute, and then the detectives all thought
+      dad was one of these president assassinationists, and they took him into a
+      room and searched him, and asked him a whole lot of fool questions, and
+      they finally let us out, and told us we better skip the town before night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/047.jpg"
+       alt="I Was Starting to Give Him a Swift Punch 047 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad got kind of heavy-hearted over that and took a notion he would like to
+      see ma again before crossing the briny deep, so you came near having your
+      little angel again soon. This weakness of dad's didn't last long, for
+      we're looking for a warm time in New York and old Lunnon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So long,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit Mount Vernon&mdash;Dad Weeps at the
+     Grave of the Father of Our Country.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      New York City.&mdash;My Dear Uncle Ezra: I got a letter from my chum this
+      morning, and he says he was in the grocery the day he wrote, and you were
+      a sight. He says that if I am going to be away several months you will
+      never change your shirt till I get back, for nobody around the grocery
+      seems to have any influence over you. I meant to have put you under bonds
+      before I left, to change your shirt at least quarterly, but you ought to
+      change it by rights every month. The way to do is to get an almanac and
+      make a mark on the figures at the first of the month, and when you are
+      studying the almanac it will remind you of your duty to society. People
+      east here, that is, business men in your class, change their shirts every
+      week or two. Try and look out for these little matters, insignificant as
+      they may seem, because the public has some rights that it is dangerous for
+      a man to ignore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I have been down to Mount Vernon, and had a mighty solemn time. I
+      think dad expected that we would be met at the trolley car by a delegation
+      of descendants of George Washington, by a four-horse carriage, with
+      postilions and things, and driven to the old house, and received with some
+      distinction, as dad had always been an admirer of George Washington, and
+      had pointed with pride to his record as a statesman and a soldier, but all
+      we saw was a bunch of negroes, who told us which way to walk, and charged
+      us ten cents apiece for the information.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Mount Vernon we found the old house where George lived and died, where
+      Martha told him to wipe his feet before he came in the house, and saw that
+      things were cooked properly. We saw pictures of revolutionary scenes and
+      men of that period, relics of the days when George was the whole thing
+      around there. We saw the bed on which George died, and then we went down
+      to the icehouse and looked through the fence and saw the marble coffins in
+      which George and Martha were sealed up. Say, old man, I know you haven't
+      got much reverence, but you couldn't look through that fence at what
+      remains of the father of his country without taking off your hat and
+      thinking good things while you were there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/050.jpg"
+       alt="Saw the Marble Coffins in Which George and Martha 050 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I was surprised at dad; he cried, though he never met George Washington in
+      all his life. I have seen dad at funerals at home, when he was a bearer,
+      or a mourner, and he never acted as thought it affected him much, but
+      there at Mount Vernon, standing within eight feet of the remains of George
+      Washington, he just lost his nerve, and bellered, and I felt solemn
+      myself, like I had been kept in after school when all the boys were going
+      in swimming. If a negro had not asked dad for a quarter I know dad would
+      have got down on his knees and been pious, but when he gave that negro a
+      swift kick for butting in with a commercial proposition, in a sacred
+      moment, dad come to, and we went up to the house again. Dad said what he
+      wanted was to think of George Washington just as a country farmer, instead
+      of a general and a president. He said we got nearer to George, if we
+      thought of him getting up in the morning, putting on his old farmer pants
+      and shirt, and going downstairs in his stocking feet, and going out to the
+      kitchen by the wooden bench, dipping a gourd full of rain water out of a
+      barrel into an earthen wash basin and taking some soft soap out of a dish
+      and washing himself, his shirt open so his great hairy breast would catch
+      the breeze, his suspenders, made of striped bed ticking, hanging down, his
+      hair touseled up until he had taken out a yellow pocket comb and combed
+      it, and then yelling to Martha to know about how long a workingman would
+      have to wait for breakfast. And then dad said he liked to think of George
+      Washington sitting down at the breakfast table and spearing sausages out
+      of a platter, and when a servant brought in a mess of these old-fashioned
+      buckwheat cakes, as big as a pieplate, see George, in imagination, pilot a
+      big one on to his plate, and cover it with sausage gravy, and eat like he
+      didn't have any dyspepsia, and see him help Martha to buckwheat cakes, and
+      finally get up from breakfast like a full Christian and go out on the farm
+      and count up the happy slaves to see if any of them had got away during
+      the night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By ginger, dad inspired me with new thoughts about the father of his
+      country. I had always thought of Washington as though he was constantly
+      crossing the Delaware in a skiff, through floating ice, with a cocked hat
+      on, and his coat flaps trimmed with buff nankeen stuff, a sort of a male
+      Eliza in &ldquo;Uncle Tom's Cabin,&rdquo; getting away from the hounds that were
+      chasing her to chew her pants. I was always thinking of George either
+      chopping cherry trees, or standing on a pedestal to have his picture
+      taken, but here at the old farm, with dad to inspire me, I was just
+      mingling with Washington, the planter, the neighbor, telling the negroes
+      where they would get off at if they didn't pick cotton fast enough, or
+      breaking colts, or going to the churn and drinking a quart of buttermilk,
+      and getting the stomach ache, and calling upstairs to Martha, who was at
+      the spinning wheel, or knitting woolen socks, and asking her to fix up a
+      brandy smash to cure his griping pains. I thought of the father of his
+      country taking a severe cold, and not being able to run into a drug store
+      for a bottle of cough sirup, or a quinine pill, having Martha fix a tub of
+      hot mustard water to soak those great feet of his, and bundle him up in a
+      flannel blanket, give him a hot whisky, and put him to bed with a hot
+      brick at his feet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, when I looked at a duck blind out in the Potomac, near the shore, I
+      thought how George used to put on an old coat and slouch hat and take his
+      gun and go out in the blind, and shoot canvas-back ducks for dinner, and
+      paddle his boat out after the dead birds, the way Grover Cleveland did a
+      century later. I tell you, old man, the way to appreciate our great
+      statesmen, soldiers and scholars is to think of them just as plain,
+      ordinary citizens, doing the things men do nowadays. It does dad and I
+      more good to think of Washington and his friends camping out down the
+      Potomac, on a fishing trip, sleeping on a bed of pine boughs, and cooking
+      their own pork, and roasting sweet potatoes in the ashes, eating with
+      appetites like slaves, than to think of him at a state dinner in the white
+      house, with a French cook disguising the food so they could not tell what
+      it was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, I had rather have a picture of George Washington and Lafayette coming
+      up the bank of the Potomac toward the house, loaded down with ducks, and
+      Martha standing on the porch of Mount Vernon asking them who they bought
+      the ducks of and how much they cost, than to have one of those big
+      paintings in the white house showing George and Lafayette looking as
+      though they had conquered the world. If the phonograph had been invented
+      then, and we could listen to the conversation of those men, just as they
+      said things, it would be great. Imagine George saying to Lafayette, so you
+      cotild hear it now: &ldquo;Lafe, that last shot at that canvasback you made was
+      the longest shot ever made on the Potomac. It was a Jim dandy, you old
+      frog eater,&rdquo; and imagine Lafayette replying: &ldquo;You bet your life, George, I
+      nailed that buck canvasback with a charge of number six shot, and he never
+      knew what struck him.&rdquo; But they didn't have any phonographs in those days
+      and so you have got to imagine things.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How would Washington's farewell address sound now in a phonograph, or some
+      of George's choice swear words at a slave that had ridden a sore-backed
+      mule down to Alexandria after a jug of rum. I would like to run a
+      phonograph show with nothing in the machine but ancient talk from George
+      Washington, but we can have no such luck unless George is born again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Old man, if you ever get a furlough from business, you go down to Mount
+      Vernon and revel in memories of the father of his country. If you go, hunt
+      up a negro with a hair lip, that is a servant there, and who used to be
+      Washington's body servant, unless he is a liar, and tell him I sent you
+      and he won't do a thing to you, for a dollar or so. I told that negro that
+      dad was a great general, a second Washington, and he wore all the skin off
+      his bald head taking off his hat to dad every time dad looked at him, and
+      he bowed until his back ached, but when we were going away, and dad asked
+      me what ailed the old monkey to act that way, the old negro thought these
+      new Washingtons were a pretty tough lot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the time at Mount Vernon I couldn't get up meanness enough to play any
+      trick on dad, but I picked up a sort of a horse chestnut or something,
+      with prickers on it as sharp as needles, and as we were getting on the
+      trolley I slipped it down the back of dad's pants, near where his
+      suspenders button on, and by the time we sat down in the car the horse
+      chestnut had worked down where dad is the largest, and when he leaned back
+      against the seat he turned pale and wiggled around and asked me if he
+      looked bad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/057.jpg"
+       alt="Slipped It Down the Back of Dad's Pants 057 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I told him he looked like a corpse, which encouraged him so he almost
+      fainted. He asked me if I had heard of any contagious diseases that were
+      prevalent in Virginia, 'cause he felt as though he had caught something. I
+      told him I would ask the conductor, so I went and asked the conductor what
+      time we got to Washington, and then I went back to dad and told him the
+      conductor said there was no disease of any particular account, except
+      smallpox and yellow fever, and that the first symptom of smallpox was a
+      prickling sensation in the small of the back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad turned green and said he had got it all right, and I had the darndest
+      time getting him back to the hotel at Washington. Say, I had to help him
+      undress, and I took the horse chestnut and put it in the foot of the bed,
+      and got dad in, and I went downstairs to see a doctor, and then I came
+      back and told him the doctor said if the prickly sensation went to his
+      feet he was in no danger from smallpox, as it was an evidence that an old
+      vaccination of years ago had got in its work and knocked the disease out
+      of his system lengthwise, and when I told dad that he raised up in bed and
+      said he was saved, for ever since I went out of the room he had felt that
+      same dreaded prickling at work on his feet, and he was all right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told dad it was a narrow escape and that it ought to be a warning to
+      him. Dad has to wear a dress suit to dinner here and cough up money every
+      time he turns around, 'cause I have told the bell boys dad is a bonanza
+      copper king, and they are not doing a thing to dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, I guess I am doing just as the doctors at home ordered, in keeping
+      dad's mind occupied.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, so long, old man, I have got to go to dinner with dad, and I am
+      going to order the dinner myself, dad said I could, and if I don't put him
+      into bankruptcy, you don't know your little
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Have Dinner at the Waldorf-Astoria&mdash;
+     The Bad Boy Orders Dinner&mdash;The Old Man Gets Stuck&mdash;Tries to
+     Rescue a Countess in Distress.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Waldorf-Astoria, New York.&mdash;Dear Uncle Ezra: We are still at this
+      tavern, but we don't do anything but sleep here, and stay around in the
+      lobby evenings to let people look at us, and dad wears that old
+      swallow-tail coat he had before the war, but he has got a new silk hat,
+      since we got here; one of these shiny ones that is so slick it makes his
+      clothes look offul bum. We about went broke on the first supper we had, or
+      dinner they call it here. You see, dad thought this was about a
+      three-dollar-a-day house, and that the meals were included, like they do
+      at Oshkosh, and so when we went down to dinner dad said we wouldn't do a
+      thing to old Astor. He let me order the dinner, but told me to order
+      everything on the bill-of-sale, because we wanted to get the worth of our
+      three dollars a day. Well, honest, I couldn't order all there was, 'cause
+      you couldn't have got it all on a billiard table. Say, that list they gave
+      me had everything on it that was ever et or drunk, but I told dad they
+      would fire us out if we ordered the whole prescription, so all I ordered
+      was terrapin, canvasback duck, oysters, clams, crabs, a lot of new kinds
+      of fish, and some beef and mutton, and turkey, and woodcock, and
+      partridge, and quail, and English pheasant, and lobster and salads and
+      ices, and pie and things, just to stay our stomachs, and when it came to
+      wine, dad weakened, because he didn't want to set a bad example to me, so
+      he ordered hard cider for hisself and asked me if I wanted anything to
+      drink, and I ordered brown pop. You'd a been tickled to see the waiter
+      when he took that order, 'cause I don't s'pose anybody ever ordered cider
+      and brown pop there since Astor skinned muskrats for a living, when he was
+      a trapper up north. Gosh, but when they brought that dinner in, you ought
+      to have seen the sensation it created. Most of the people in the great
+      dining hall looked at dad as though he was a Crases, or a Rockefeller, and
+      the head waiter bowed low to dad, and dad thought it was Astor, and dad
+      looked dignified and hurt at being spoken to by a common tavern keeper.
+      Well, we et and et, but we couldn't get away with hardly any of it, and
+      dad wanted to wrap some of the duck and lobsters and things in a newspaper
+      and take it to the room for a lunch, but the waiter wouldn't have it. But
+      the cyclone struck the house when dad and I got up to go out of the
+      dining-room, and the waiter brought dad the check.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/063.jpg" alt="The Waiter Brought Dad the Check 063 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What is this?&rdquo; said dad, as he put on his glasses and looked at the check
+      which was $43 and over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dinner check, sir,&rdquo; said the waiter, as he straightened back and held out
+      his hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, ain't this house run on the American plan?&rdquo; said dad, as his chin
+      began to tremble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, sir, on the Irish plan,&rdquo; said the waiter. &ldquo;You pays for what you
+      horders,&rdquo; and dad began to dig up. He looked at me as though I was to
+      blame, when he told me to order all there was in sight. Well, I have
+      witnessed heart-rending scenes, but I never saw anything that would draw
+      tears like dad digging down for that $43. The doctors at home had ordered
+      excitement for dad, but this seemed to be an overdose, and I was afraid he
+      would collapse and I offered him my glass of brown pop to stimulate him,
+      but he told me I could go plumb, and if I spoke to him again he would maul
+      me. He got his roll half out of his pistol pocket, and then talked loud
+      and said it was a damoutridge, and he wanted to see Astor himself before
+      he would allow himself to be held up by highwaymen, and then all the other
+      diners stood up and looked at dad, and a lot of waiters and bouncers
+      surrounded him, and then he pulled out the roll, and it was pitiful to see
+      him wet his trembling thumb on his trembling dry tongue and begin to peel
+      off the bills, like you peel the layers off an onion, but he got off
+      enough to pay for the dinner, gave the waiter half a dollar, and smiled a
+      sickly smile at the head waiter, and I led him out of the dining-room a
+      broken-down old man. As we got to the lobby, where the horse show of
+      dress-suit chappies was beginning the evening procession, I said to dad:
+      &ldquo;Next time we will dine out, I guess,&rdquo; and at that he rallied and seemed
+      to be able to take a joke, for he said: &ldquo;We dined out this time. We dined
+      out $43,&rdquo; and then we joined the procession of walkers around, and tried
+      to look prosperous, and after awhile dad called a bell boy, and asked him
+      if there wasn't a good dairy lunch counter near the Waldorf, where a man
+      could go and get a bowl of bread and milk, and the bell boy gave him the
+      address of a dairy lunch place, and I can see my finish, 'cause from this
+      out we will probably live on bread and milk while we are here, and I hate
+      bread and milk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It got all around the hotel, about the expensive dinner dad ordered for
+      himself and the little heir to his estate, and everybody wanted to get
+      acquainted with dad and try to get some stock in his copper mine. I had
+      told dad about my telling the boys he was a bonanza copper miner, and he
+      never batted an eye when they asked him about his mine, and he looked the
+      part.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/067.jpg" alt="One Man Wanted Dad to Cash a Check 067 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One man wanted dad to cash a check, 'cause the bank was closed, and he was
+      a rich-looking duke, and dad was just going to get his roll out and peel
+      off some more onion, when I said: &ldquo;Not on your tintype, Mr. Duke,&rdquo; and dad
+      left his roll in his pocket, and the duke gave me a look as though he
+      wanted to choke me, and went away, saying: &ldquo;There is Mr. Pierpont Morgan,
+      and I can get him to cash it.&rdquo; I saved dad over a hundred dollars on that
+      scheme, and so we are making money every minute. We went to our room
+      early, so dad could digest his $43 worth of glad food.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but this house got ripped up the back before morning. You remember I
+      told you about a countess, or a duchess, or some kind of high-up female
+      that had a room next to our room. Well, she is a beaut, from Butte, Mont.,
+      or Cuba, or somewhere, for she acts like a queen that has just stepped off
+      her throne for a good time. She has got a French maid that is a
+      peacharino. You know that horse chestnut, with the prickers on, that I put
+      in dad's pants at Washington. Well, I have still got it, and as it gets
+      dry the prickers are sharper than needles, sharper even than a servant's
+      tooth, as it says in the good book. I thought I would give dad a run for
+      his money, 'cause exercise and excitement are good for a man that dined
+      heartily on $43 worth of rich food, so when we went to our room I told dad
+      that I was satisfied from what a bell boy told me that the countess in the
+      next room, who had gold cords over her shoulders for suspenders, was stuck
+      on him, because she was always inquiring who the lovely old gentleman was
+      with the sweet little boy. Dad he got so interested that he forgot to cuss
+      me about ordering that dinner, and he said he had noticed her, and would
+      like real well to get acquainted with her, 'cause a man far away from
+      home, sick as a dog, with no loving wife to look after him, needed
+      cheerful company. So I told him I had it all arranged for him to meet her,
+      and then I went out in the hall, sort of whistling around, and the French
+      maid came out and broke some English for me, and we got real chummy,
+      'cause she was anxious to learn English, and I wanted to learn some French
+      words; so she invited me into the room, and we sat on the sofa and
+      exchanged words quite awhile, until she was called to the telephone in the
+      other room. Say, you ought to have seen me. I jumped up and put my hand
+      inside the sheets of the bed, and put that chestnut in there, right about
+      the middle of the bed, and then, after learning French quite a spell, with
+      the maid, we heard the countess getting off' the elevator, and the maid
+      said I must skip, 'cause it was the countess' bed-time, and I went back
+      and told dad the whole thing was arranged for him to meet the countess, in
+      a half an hour or so, as she had to write a few letters to some kings and
+      dukes, and when she gave a little scream; as though she was practicing her
+      voice on an opera, or something, dad was to go and rap at the door. Gosh,
+      but I was sorry for dad, for he was so nervous and anxious for the half
+      hour to expire that he walked up and down the room, and looked at himself
+      in the mirror, and acted like he had indigestion. I had told the maid that
+      she and the countess must feel perfectly safe, if anything ever happened,
+      'cause my dad was the bravest man in the world, and he would rush to the
+      rescue of the countess, if a burglar got in in the night, or the water
+      pipes busted, or anything, and all she had to do was to screech twice and
+      dad would be on deck, and she must open the door quicker-n scat, and she
+      thanked me, and said she would, and for me to come, too. Say, on the dead,
+      wasn't that a plot for an amateur to cook up? Well, sir, we had to wait so
+      long for the countess to get on the horse chestnut that I got nervous
+      myself, but after awhile there came a scream that would raise your hair,
+      and I told dad the countess was singing the opera. Dad said: &ldquo;Hennery,
+      that ain't no opera, that's tragedy,&rdquo; but she gave two or three more
+      stanzas, and I told dad he better hustle, and we went out in the hall and
+      rapped at the door of the countess' room, and the maid opened it, and told
+      us to send for a doctor and a policeman, 'cause the countess was having a
+      fit. Well, say, that was the worst ever. The countess had jumped out of
+      bed, and was pulling the lace curtains around her, but dad thought she was
+      crazy, and was going to jump out of the window, and he made a grab for
+      her, and he shouted to her to &ldquo;be cam, be cam, poor woman, and I will
+      rescue you.&rdquo; I tried to pacify the maid the best I knew how, and dad was
+      getting the countess calmer, but she evidently thought he was an assassin,
+      for every little while she would yell for help, and then the night
+      watchman came in with a house policeman, and one of them choked dad off,
+      and they asked the countess what the trouble was, and she said she had
+      just retired when she was stabbed about a hundred times in the small of
+      the back with a poniard, and she knew conspirators were assassinating her,
+      and she screamed, and this old bandit, meaning dad, came in, and the
+      little monkey, meaning me, had held his hand over her maid's mouth, so she
+      could not make any outcry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/071.jpg"
+       alt="Night Watchman Came in With a House Policeman 071 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, I got my horse chestnut all right, out of the bed, and the policeman
+      told the countess not to be alarmed, and go back to bed, and they took dad
+      and I to our room, and asked us all about it. Gee, but dad put up a story
+      about hearing a woman scream in the next room, and, thinking only of the
+      duty of a gentleman under the circumstances, rushed to her rescue, and all
+      there was to it was that she must have had a nightmare, but he said if he
+      had it to do over again, he would do the same. Anyway, the policeman
+      believed dad, and they went off and left us, and we went to bed, but dad
+      said: &ldquo;Hennery, you understand, I don't want to make any more female
+      acquaintances, see, among the crowned heads, and from this out we mingle
+      only with men. The idea of me going into a woman's room and finding a
+      Floradora with fits and tantrums, and me, a sick man. Now, don't write to
+      your ma about this, 'cause she never did have much confidence in me,
+      around women with fits.&rdquo; So, Uncle Ezra, you must not let this get into
+      the papers, see?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we have bought our tickets for Liverpool, and shall sail to-morrow,
+      and while you are making up your cash account Saturday night, we shall be
+      on the ocean. I s'pose I will write you on the boat, if they will tie it
+      up somewhere so it will stand level. Your dear boy. Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes the Old Groceryman About Ocean Voyages&mdash;
+     His Dad Has an Argument Over a Steamer Chair.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      On Board the Lucinia, Mid-ocean.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Old Geezer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I take the first opportunity, since leaving New York, to write you, 'cause
+      the boat, after three days out, has got settled down so it runs level, and
+      I can write without wrapping my legs around the table legs, to hold me
+      down. I have tried a dozen times to write, but the sea was so rough that
+      part of the time the table was on top of me and part of the time I was on
+      top, and I was so sick I seem to have lost my mind, over the rail, with
+      the other things supposed to be inside of me. O, old man, you think you
+      know what seasickness is, 'cause you told me once about crossing Lake
+      Michigan on a peach boat, but lake sickness is easy compared with the
+      ocean malady. I could enjoy common seasickness and think it was a picnic,
+      but this salt water sickness takes the cake. I am sorry for dad, because
+      he holds more than I do, and he is so slow about giving up meals that he
+      has paid for, that it takes him longer to commune with nature, and he
+      groans so, and swears some.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/074.jpg"
+       alt="I Am Sorry for Dad, Because he Holds More Than I Do 074 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I don't see how a person can swear when he is seasick on the ocean, with
+      no sure thing that he will ever see land again, and a good prospect of
+      going to the bottom, where you got to die in the arms of a devil fish,
+      with a shark biting pieces out of your tender loin and a smoked halibut
+      waiting around for his share of your corpse, and whales blowing syphons of
+      water and kicking because they are so big that they can't get at you to
+      chew cuds of human gum, and porpoises combing your damp hair with their
+      fine tooth comb fins, and sword fish and sawtooth piscatorial carpenters
+      sawing off steaks. Gee, but it makes me crawl. I once saw a dead dog in
+      the river, with bull heads and dog-fish ripping him up the back, and I
+      keep thinking I had rather be that dog, in a nice river at home, with
+      bullheads that I knew chewing me at their leisure, than to be a dead boy
+      miles down in the ocean, with strange fish and sea serpents quarreling
+      over the tender pieces in me. A man told me that if you smoke cigarets and
+      get saturated with nickoteen, and you are drownded, the fish will smell of
+      you, and turn up their noses and go away and leave your remains, so I
+      tried a cigaret, and, gosh, but I had rather be et by fish than smoke
+      another, on an ocean steamer. It only added to my sickness, and I had
+      enough before. I prayed some, when the boat stood on its head and piled us
+      all up in the front end, but a chair struck me on the place where
+      Fitzsimmons hit Corbett, and knocked the prayer all out of me, and when
+      the boat stood on her butt end and we all slid back the whole length of
+      the cabin, and I brought up under the piano, I tried to sing a hymn, such
+      as I used to in the 'Piscopal choir, before my voice changed, but the
+      passengers who were alive yelled for some one to choke me, and I didn't
+      sing any more. Dad was in the stateroom when we were rolling back and
+      forth in the cabin, and between sicknesses he came out to catch me and
+      take me into the stateroom, but he got the rolling habit, too, and he
+      rolled a match with an actress who was voyaging for her health, and they
+      got offully mixed up. He tried to rescue her, and grabbed hold of her belt
+      and was reeling her in all right, when a man who said he was her husband
+      took dad by the neck and said he must keep his hands off or get another
+      nose put on beside the one he had, and then they all rolled under a sofa,
+      and how it came out I don't know, but the next morning dad's eye was
+      blacked, and the fellow who said he was her husband had his front teeth
+      knocked out, and the actress lost her back hair and had to wear a silk
+      handkerchief tied around her head the rest of the trip, and she looked
+      like a hired girl who has been out to a saloon dance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The trouble with dad is that he butts in too much. He thinks he is the
+      whole thing and thinks every crowd he sees is a demonstration for him.
+      When the steamer left New York, there were hundreds of people on the dock
+      to see friends off, and they had flowers to present to Unfriends, and dad
+      thought they were all for him, and he reached for every bunch of roses
+      that was brought aboard, and was going to return thanks for them, when
+      they were jerked away from him, and he looked hurt. When the gang plank
+      was pulled in, and the boat began to wheeze, and grunt, and move away from
+      the dock, and dad saw the crowd waving handkerchiefs and laughing, and
+      saying <i>bon voyage</i>, he thought they were doing it all for him, and
+      he started in to make a speech, thanking his fellow countrymen for coming
+      to see him off, and promising them that he would prove a true
+      representative of his beloved country in his travels abroad, and that he
+      would be true to the stars and stripes wherever fortune might place him,
+      and all that rot, when the boat got so far away they could not hear him,
+      and then he came off his perch, and said, &ldquo;Hennery, that little impromptu
+      demonstration to your father, on the eve of his departure from his native
+      land, perhaps never to return, ought to be a deep and lasting lesson to
+      you, and to show you that the estimation in which I am held by our people,
+      is worth millions to you, and you can point with pride to your father.&rdquo; I
+      said &ldquo;rats&rdquo; and dad said he wouldn't wonder if the boat was full of rats,
+      and then we stood on deck, and watched the objects of interest down the
+      bay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/078.jpg"
+       alt="A Speech, Thanking his Fellow Countrymen 078 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      As we passed the statue of Liberty, which France gave to the republic, on
+      Bedloe's Island, dad started to make a speech to the passengers, but one
+      of the officers of the boat told dad this was no democratic caucus, and
+      that choked him off, but he was loaded for a speech, and I knew it was
+      only a matter of time when he would have to fire it off, but I thought
+      when we got outside the bar, into the ocean, his speech would come up with
+      the rest of the stuff, and I guess it did, for after he began to be sea
+      sick he had to keep his mouth shut, which was a great relief to me, for I
+      felt that he would say something that would get this country in trouble
+      with other nations, as there were lots of foreigners on board. I heard
+      that J. Pierpont Morgan was on board, and I told everybody I got in
+      conversation with that dad was Pierpont Morgan, and when people began to
+      call him Mr. Morgan, I told dad the passengers thought he was Morgan; the
+      great financier, and it tickled dad, and he never denied it. Anyway, the
+      captain put dad and I at his own table, and he called me &ldquo;Little Pierp,&rdquo;
+       and everybody discussed great financial questions with dad, and everything
+      would have been lovely the whole trip, only Morgan came amongst us after
+      he had been sea sick for three days, and they gave him a seat opposite us,
+      and with two Morgans at the same table it was a good deal like two Uncle
+      Tom's in an Uncle Tom's Cabin show, so dad had to stay in his stateroom on
+      account of sickness, a good deal. Then dad got to walking on deck and
+      flirting with the female passengers. Say, did you ever see an old man who
+      was stuck on hisself, and thought that every woman who looked at him, from
+      curiosity, or because he had a wart on his neck, and watch him get busy
+      making 'em believe he is a young and kitteny thing, who is irresistible?
+      Gee, but it makes me tired. No man can mash, and make eyes, and have a
+      love scene, when he has to go to the rail every few minutes and hump
+      hisself with something in him that is knocking at the door of his palate,
+      to come out the same way it went in. Dad found a widow woman who looked
+      back at him kind of sassy, when he braced up to her, and when the ship
+      rolled and side-stepped, he took hold of her arm to steady her, and she
+      said maybe they better sit down on deck and talk it over, so dad found a
+      couple of steamer chairs that were not in use, and they sat down near
+      together, and dad took hold of her hand to see if she was nervous, and he
+      told me I could go any play mumbletypeg in the cabin, and I went in the
+      cabin and looked out of the window at dad and the widow. Say, you wouldn't
+      think two chairs could get so close, and dad was sure love sick, and so
+      was she. The difference between love sick and sea sick is that in love
+      sick you look red in the face and snuggle up, and squeeze hands, and look
+      fondly, and swallow your emotion, and try to wait patiently until it is
+      dark enough so the spectators won't notice anything, and in sea sickness
+      you get pale in the face, and spread apart, and let go of hands, and after
+      you have stood it as long as you can you rush to the rail and act as
+      though you were going to jump overboard, and then stop sudden and
+      let-'er-go-gallagher, right before folks, and after it is over you try to
+      look as though you had enjoyed it. I will say this much for dad, he and
+      the widow never played a duet over the rail, but they took turns, and dad
+      held her as tenderly as though they were engaged, and when he got her back
+      to the steamer chair he stroked her face and put camphor to her nose, and
+      acted like an undertaker that wasn't going to let the remains get away
+      from him. They were having a nice convalescent time, just afore it broke
+      up, and hadn't either of them been sick for ten minutes, and dad had put
+      his arm around her shoulders, and was talking cunning to her, and she was
+      looking lovingly into dad's eyes, and they were talking of meeting again
+      in France in a few weeks, where she was going to rent a villa, and dad was
+      saying he would be there with both feet, when I opened the window and
+      said, &ldquo;The steward is bringing around a lunch, and I have ordered two
+      boiled pork sandwiches for you two easy marks.&rdquo; Well, you'd a dide to see
+      'em jump. What there is about the idea of fat pork that makes people who
+      are sea sick have a relapse, I don't know, but the woman grabbed her
+      stum-mix in both hands and left dad and rushed into the cabin yelling
+      &ldquo;enough,&rdquo; or something like that, and dad laid right back in the chair and
+      blatted like a calf, and said he would kill me dead when we got ashore.
+      Just then an Englishman came along and told dad he better get up out of
+      his chair, and dad said whose chair you talking about, and the man said
+      the chair was his, and if dad didn't get out of it, he would kick him in
+      the pants, and dad said he hadn't had a good chance at an Englishman since
+      the Revolutionary war, and he just wanted a chance to clean up enough
+      Englishmen for a mess, and dad got up and stood at &ldquo;attention,&rdquo; and the
+      Englishman squared off like a prize fighter, and they were just going to
+      fight the battle of Bunker Hill over again, when I run up to an officer
+      with gold lace on his coat and lemon pie on his whiskers, and told him an
+      old crazy Yankee out on deck was going to murder a poor sea sick
+      Englishman, and the officer rushed out and took dad by the coat collar and
+      made him quit, and when he found what the quarrel was about, he told dad
+      all the chairs were private property belonging to the passengers, and for
+      him to keep out of them, and he apologized to the Englishman and they went
+      into the saloon and settled it with high balls, and dad beat the
+      Englishman by drinking two high balls to his one. Then dad set into a
+      poker game, with ten cents ante, and no limit, and they played along for a
+      while until dad got four jacks, and he bet five dollars, and a Frenchman
+      raised him five thousand dollars, and dad laid down his hand and said the
+      game was too rich for his blood, and when he reached in his vest pocket
+      for money to pay for his poker chips he found that his roll was gone, and
+      he said he would leave his watch for security until he could go to his
+      state room and get some money, and then he found that his watch had been
+      pinched, and the Englishman said he would be good for it, and dad came out
+      in the cabin and wanted me to help him find the widow, cause he said when
+      she laid her head on his shoulder, to recover from her sickness, he felt a
+      fumbling around his vest, but he thought it was nothing but his stomach
+      wiggling to get ready for another engagement, but now he knew she had
+      robbed him. Say, dad and I looked all over that boat for the widow, but
+      she simply had evaporated. But land is in sight, and we shall land at
+      Liverpool this afternoon, and dad is going to lay for the widow at the
+      gang plank, and he won't do a thing to her. I guess not. Well, you will
+      hear from me in London next, and I'll tell you if dad got his money and
+      watch back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Eat Fog&mdash;Call on Astor&mdash;A Dynamite
+     Outrage.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, England.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Old Man:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, if a court sentenced me to live in this town, I would appeal
+      the case, and ask the judge to temper his sentence with mercy, and hang
+      me. Say, the fog here is so thick you have to feel around like a blind
+      goddess, and when you show up through the fog you look about eighteen feet
+      high, and you are so wet you want to be run through a clothes wringer
+      every little while. For two days we never left the hotel, but looked out
+      of the windows waiting for the fog to go by, and watching the people swim
+      through it, without turning a hair. Dad was for going right to the Lord
+      Mayor and lodging a complaint, and demanding that the fog be cleared off,
+      so an American citizen could go about town and blow in his money, but I
+      told him he could be arrested for treason. He come mighty near being
+      arrested on the cars from Liverpool to London. When we got off the steamer
+      and tried to find the widow who robbed dad of his watch and roll of money,
+      but never found her, we were about the last passengers to reach the train,
+      and when we got ready to get on we found these English cars that open on
+      the sides, and they put you into a box stall with some other live stock,
+      and lock you in, and once in a while a guard opens the door to see if you
+      are dead from suffocation, or have been murdered by the other passengers.
+      Dad kicked on going in one of the kennels the first thing, and said he
+      wanted a parlor car; but the guard took dad by the pants and gave him a
+      shove, and tossed me in on top of dad, and two other passengers and a
+      woman in the compartment snickered, and dad wanted to fight all of 'em
+      except the woman, but he concluded to mash her. When the door closed clad
+      told the guard he would walk on his neck when the door opened, and that he
+      was not an entry in a dog show, and he wanted a kennel all to himself, and
+      asked for dog biscuit. Gee, but that guard was mad, and he gave dad a look
+      that started the train going. I whispered to dad to get out his revolver,
+      because the other passengers looked like hold up men, and he took his
+      revolver out of his satchel and put it in his pistol pocket, and looked
+      fierce, and the woman began to act faint, while the passengers seemed to
+      be preparing to jump on dad if he got violent. When the train stopped at
+      the first station I got out and told the guard that the old gentleman in
+      there was from Helena, Montana, and that he had a reputation from St. Paul
+      to Portland, and then I held up both hands the way train robbers make
+      passengers hold up their hands. When I went back in the car dad was
+      talking to the woman about her resembling a woman he used to know in the
+      states, and he was just going to ask her how long she had been so
+      beautiful, when the guard came to the side door and called the woman out
+      into another stall, and then one of the passengers pulled out a pair of
+      handcuffs and told dad he might as well surrender, because he was a
+      Scotland yard detective and had spotted dad as an American embezzler, and
+      if he drew that gun he had in his pocket there would be a dead Yankee in
+      about four minutes. Well, I thought dad had nerve before, but he beat the
+      band, right there. He unbuttoned his overcoat and put his finger on a
+      Grand Army button in his buttonhole, and said, &ldquo;Gentlemen, I am an
+      American citizen, visiting the crowned heads of the old world, with
+      credentials from the President of the United States, and day after
+      tomorrow I have a date to meet your king, on official business that means
+      much to the future peace of our respective countries. Lay a hand on me and
+      you hang from the yard arm of an American battleship.&rdquo; Well, sir, I have
+      seen a good many bluffs in my time, but I never saw the equal of that, for
+      the detective turned white, and apologized, and asked dad and I out to
+      luncheon at the next station, and we went and ate all there was, and when
+      the time was up the detective disappeared and dad had to pay for the
+      luncheon, but he kicked all the way to London, and the guard would not
+      listen to his complaints, but told him if he tried to hold up the train he
+      would be thrown out the window and run over by the train. We had the
+      compartment to ourselves the rest of the way to London, except about an
+      hour, when the guard shoved in a farmer who smelled like cows, and dad
+      tried to get in a quarrel with him, about English roast beef coming from
+      America, but the man didn't have his arguing clothes on, so dad began to
+      find fault with me, and the man told dad to let up on the kid or he would
+      punch his bloody 'ed off. That settled it, when the man dropped his &ldquo;h,&rdquo;
+       dad thought he was one of the nobility, and he got quite chummy with the
+      Englishman, and then we got to London, and dad had a quarrel about his
+      baggage, and after threatening to have a lot of fights he got his trunk on
+      the roof of a cab, and in about an hour we got to the hotel, and then the
+      fog began an engagement. If the fog here ever froze stiff, the town would
+      look like a piece of ice with fish frozen in. Gee, but I would like to
+      have it freeze in front of our hotel, so I could take an ax and go out and
+      chop a frozen girl out, and thaw her till she came to.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, old man, if anybody ever wants to treat you to a trip to Europe,
+      don't come here, but go to some place where they don't think they can
+      speak English. You can understand a Nitalian or a Frenchman, or a
+      Dutchman, who can't speak English, and knows he can't, better than you can
+      an Englishman who thinks he can speak English, and can't, &ldquo;don't you
+      know.&rdquo; Everything is &ldquo;don't you know.&rdquo; If a servant gives you an evening
+      paper, he says, &ldquo;'Ere's your paiper, don't you know,&rdquo; and if a man should&mdash;I
+      don't say they would, but if a man <i>should</i> give you a civil answer,
+      when you asked him the name of a street, he would look at you as though
+      you were a cannibal, and say, &ldquo;Regent street, don't you know,&rdquo; and then he
+      would act as though you had broken him of his rest. Dad asked more than a
+      dozen men where Bill Astor lived, and of all the population of London I
+      don't believe anybody knows, except one newsboy. We rode half a day on top
+      of a bus, through streets so crowded that the horses had to creep, and dad
+      hung on for fear the bus would be tipped over, and finally we got out into
+      the suburbs, where the rich people live, and dad said we were right on the
+      trail of King Edward, and we got off and loitered around, and dad saw a
+      beautiful place, with a big iron fence, and a gate as big as a railroad
+      bridge, and dad asked a newsboy who lived there, and the boy made up a
+      face at dad and said, &ldquo;H'astor, you bloke,&rdquo; and he put out his hand for a
+      tip. It was the first civil answer dad had received in London, so he gave
+      the boy a dollar. The boy fell over on the sidewalk, dead, and dad started
+      to go away for fear he would be arrested for murder, but I kicked the boy
+      on the pants, and he got up and yelled some kind of murdered English, and
+      more than a dozen newsboys came on a gallop, and when the boy told them
+      what had happened they all wanted dad to ask them questions. I told the
+      boys dad was Andrew Carnegie, and that he was giving away millions of
+      dollars, so when dad got to the gate of the beautiful H'astor place, the
+      boys yelled Andrew Carnegie, and a flunkey flunked the gate open and dad
+      and I went in, and walked up to the house. Astor was on the veranda,
+      smoking a Missouri corn cob pipe, and drinking American beer, and seemed
+      to be wishing he was back home in America. Dad marched right up to the
+      veranda, like a veteran soldier, and Astor could see dad was an American
+      by the dandruff on his coat collar, and Astor said, &ldquo;You are an American
+      citizen and you are welcome. Once I was like you, and didn't care a
+      continental dam for anybody, but in a moment of passion I renounced my
+      country, swore allegiance to this blawsted country, and everybody hates me
+      here, and I don't dare go home to collect my rent for fear I will be
+      quarantined at Ellis Island and sent back to England as an undesirable
+      emigrant who has committed a crime, and is not welcome in the land where I
+      was born. Old man, have a glass of Milwaukee beer and let's talk of your
+      home and my birthplace, and forget that there is such a country as
+      England.&rdquo; Dad sat down on the porch, and I went out on the lawn chasing
+      peacocks and treeing guinea hens, and setting dogs on the swans, until a
+      butler or a duke or something took me by the collar and shook me till my
+      teeth got loose, and he took me back to the veranda and sat me down on the
+      bottom step so hard my hair raised right up stiff, like a porcupine. Then
+      I listened to dad and Astor talk about America, and I never saw a man who
+      seemed to be so ashamed that he was a brevet Englishman, as he did. He
+      said he had so much money that it made his headache to hear the interest
+      accumulate, nights, when he couldn't sleep, and yet he had no more
+      enjoyment than Dreyfus did on Devil's Island. He had automobiles that
+      would fill our exposition building, horses and carriages by the score, but
+      he never enjoyed a ride about London, because only one person in ten
+      thousand knew him, and those who did looked upon him with pity and
+      contempt because he had renounced his country to get solid with the
+      English aristocracy, and nobody would speak to him unless they wanted to
+      borrow money, and if they did borrow money from him he was afraid they
+      would pay it back, and make him trouble counting it. He told dad he wanted
+      to get back into America, and become a citizen again of that grand old
+      country of the stars and stripes, and asked dad how he could do it, for he
+      said he had rather work in a slaughter house in America than be a grand
+      duke in England. I never saw dad look so sorry for a man as he did for
+      Astor, and he told him the only way was to sell out his ranch in London
+      and go back on an emigrant ship, take out his first papers, vote the
+      democratic ticket and eventually become a citizen. Astor was thinking over
+      the proposition, and dad had asked him if he was not afraid of dynamiters,
+      when he shuddered and said every day he expected to be blown sky high, and
+      finally he smelled something burning and said the smell reminded him of an
+      American 4th of July. You see, I had been sitting still on the step of the
+      veranda so long I got nervous, for something exciting, so I took a giant
+      firecracker out of my pocket and lit the long tail, and shoved it under
+      the porch and looked innocent, and just then one of the flunkies with the
+      tightest pants you ever saw came along and patted me on the head and said
+      I was a nice boy, and that made me mad, and when he went to sit down
+      beside me on the step I took my horse chestnut out of my pocket and put it
+      on the step just where he sat down, and how it happened to come out so I
+      don't know, it must have been Providence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/094.jpg" alt="Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 094 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      You see just as the flunkey flunked on the chestnut burr, the fire cracker
+      went off, and the man jumped up and said '&ldquo;Ells-fire, h'am blowed,&rdquo; and he
+      had his hands on his pants, and the air was full of smoke, and dad got on
+      his knees and said, &ldquo;Now I lay me,&rdquo; and Mr. Astor fainted all over a
+      rocking chair and tipped beer bottles on the veranda and more than forty
+      servants came, and I told dad to come on, and we got outside the gate,
+      ahead of the police, and got a cab and drove quicker than scat to the
+      hotel, and I ast dad what he thought it was that went off, and he said
+      &ldquo;You can search me,&rdquo; but he said he had got enough of trying to reform
+      escaped Americans, and we got in the hotel and laid low, and the
+      newspapers told about a dynamite outrage, and laid it to anarchists. Well
+      I must close, cause we are going to see the American minister and get a
+      date to meet King' Edward. We won't do a thing to Edward.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes About the Craze for Gin in the
+     Whitechapel District&mdash;He Gives His Dad a Scare in the Tower
+     of London.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, England.&mdash;My Dear Chum: I received your letter yesterday, and
+      it made me homesick. Gee, but if I could be home there with you and go
+      down to the swimming hole and get in all over, and play tag in the sand,
+      and tie some boy's pants and shirt in knots, and yell that the police are
+      coming, and all grab our clothes under our arms and run across lots with
+      no clothes on, and get in a barn and put on our clothes, and dry our hair
+      by pounding it with a stick, so we would not get licked when we got home,
+      life would be worth living, but here all I do is to dodge people on the
+      streets and see them look cross when they step on me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, boy, you will never know your luck in being a citizen of good old
+      America, instead of a subject of Great Britain, because you have got to be
+      rich or be hungry here, and if you are too rich you have got no appetite.
+      You have heard of the roast beef of old England, but nobody eats it but
+      the dukes and bankers. The working men never even saw a picture of a roast
+      beef, and yet we look upon all Englishmen as beef-eaters, but
+      three-fourths of the people in this town look hungry and discouraged, and
+      they never seem to know whether they are going to have any supper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went down to a market this morning where the middle class and the very
+      poor people buy their supplies, and it would make you sick to see them.
+      They buy small loaves of bread and a penny's worth of tea, and that is
+      breakfast, and if a man is working he takes some of the bread to work for
+      lunch, and the wife or mother buys a carrot or a quarter of a cabbage, and
+      maybe a bone with a piece of meat about as big as a fish bait, and that
+      makes supper, with a growler of beer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, the chunk of meat with a bone that an American butcher would throw at
+      a dog that he had never been introduced to would be a banquet for a large
+      family over here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have been down into the White Chapel district, which is the Five Points
+      of London, and of the thousands of tough people I saw there was not a man
+      but looked as though he would cut your liver out for a shilling, and every
+      woman was drunk on gin. What there is about gin that makes it the national
+      beverage for bad people beats me, for it looks like water, tastes like
+      medicine and smells like cold storage eggs. At home when a person takes a
+      drink of beer or whisky he at least looks happy for a minute, and maybe he
+      laughs, but here nobody laughs unless somebody gets hurt, and that seems
+      to tickle everybody in the White Chapel district.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The people look mad and savage when they are not drinking, as though they
+      were only looking for an opportunity to commit murder, and then when they
+      take a drink of gin, instead of smiling and smacking their lips as though
+      it was good and braced them up, they look as though they had been stabbed
+      with a dirk and they put on a look of revenge, as though they would like
+      to wring a child's neck or cut holes in the people they meet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two drinks of gin makes a man or woman look as though they had swallowed a
+      buzz saw. I always thought drinking liquor made people think they were
+      enjoying themselves, or that they took it to drive away care and make them
+      forget their sorrows, but when these people drink gin they seem to do it
+      the way an American drinks carbolic acid, to end the whole business quick.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At home the drinker drinks to make him feel like he was at a picnic. Here
+      every drinker acts like a suicide, who only hopes that he may commit a
+      murder before the gin ends his career. And there are hundreds of thousands
+      of people in this town who have no ambition except to get a bit of bread
+      to sustain them till they can get a drink of gin, and gradually they let
+      up on bread entirely and feed on gin, and look like mad dogs and snarl at
+      everybody they see, as much as to say: &ldquo;What are you going to do about
+      it?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/101.jpg" alt="Snarl at Everybody They See 101 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A good square American meal would give them a fit, and they would go to a
+      hospital and die if the meal could not be got out of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gosh, but I was glad to get out of the White Chapel district, and I kept
+      looking back for fear one of the men or women would slit me up the back
+      with a butcher knife, and laugh like an insane asylum inmate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do you know, those people who drink gin and go hungry are different from
+      our American murderers. Our murderers will assault you with a smile, rob
+      you with a joke on their tongue's end, and give you back car fare when
+      they hold you up, and if they murder you they will do it easy and lay you
+      out with your hands across on your breast and notify the coroner, but your
+      White Chapel murderer wants to disembowel you and cut you up into chunks,
+      and throw your remains head first into something nasty, and if you have
+      money enough on your person to buy a bottle of gin your murderer is as
+      well satisfied as though he got a roll. Some men in our country commit
+      murders in order to get money to lay away so they can live a nice,
+      respectable life and be good ever afterwards, but your slum murderer in
+      London just kills because his stomach craves a drink, and when he gets it
+      he is tame, like a tiger that has eaten a native of India.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You may think this letter is a solemn occasion because I tell you about
+      things that are not funny, but if you ever traveled abroad you will find
+      that there is no fun anywhere except in America unless you make it or buy
+      it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We are taking in the solemn things first in order to get dad's mind in a
+      condition so he can be cured of things he thinks ail him. I took dad to
+      the Tower of London, and when we got out of it he wanted to have America
+      interfere and have the confounded place burned down and grass sown on the
+      site and a park made of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The tower covers 13 acres of ground, and there are more things brought to
+      a visitor's attention that ought to be forgotten than you ever thought
+      about.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remember attending the theater at home and seeing Richard the Third
+      played, and I remember how my sympathies were aroused for the two little
+      boy princes that were murdered by Richard the Third, but I thought it was
+      a fake play, and that there was nothing true about it, but, by gosh, it
+      was right here in the Tower of London that the old hump-backed cuss
+      murdered those little princes, and dad and I stood right on the spot, and
+      the beef-eater who showed us around told us all the particulars. Dad was
+      indignant, and said to the beef-eater:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0018" id="linkimage-0018">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/098.jpg"
+       alt="Stood Around and Let Richard Kill Those Princes 098 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Do you mean to tell me you stood around and let Richard kill those
+      princes without uttering a protest or protecting them or ringing for the
+      police? By the great hornspoon, you must have been accessory to the fact,
+      and you ought to be arrested and hung,&rdquo; and dad pounded his cane on the
+      stone floor and looked savage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The beef-eater got red in the face and said: &ldquo;Begging your pardon, don't
+      you know, but h'l was not 'ere at the time. This 'istory was made six
+      'undred years ago.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad begged the man's pardon and told him he supposed the boys were
+      murdered a year or two ago, and he gave the beef-eater a dollar, and he
+      was so gratified I think he would have had a murder committed for dad
+      right there and then if dad had insisted on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You feel in going through the tower like you was in an American slaughter
+      house, for it was here that kings and queens were beheaded by the dozen.
+      They showed us axes that were used to behead people, and blocks that the
+      heads of the victims were laid on, and the places where the heads fell on
+      the floor. It seemed that in olden times when a king or a queen got too
+      gay, the anti-kings or queens would go to the palace and catch the king or
+      queen in the act, and take them by the neck and hustle them to the tower,
+      and when a king or queen got in the tower they went out on the installment
+      plan, and after being thrown in the gutter for the mob to recognize, and
+      walk on the bodies, they would bring them back in the tower, and seal them
+      up in a pigeon hole for future generations to cry over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All my life I have had in our house to look at a picture of beautiful Anne
+      Boleyn, and here I stood right where her head was cut off, and I couldn't
+      help thinking of how we in America got our civilization from the
+      descendants of the English people who cut her head off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By ginger, old chum, it made me hot. I didn't care to look at the old
+      armor, or the crown jewels, which make you think of a cut glass factory,
+      but I reveled in the scenes of the beheading. I never was stuck much on
+      kings and queens, but it seems to me if they had to murder them they ought
+      to have given 'em a show, and let them fight for their lives, instead of
+      getting into a trap, like you would entice a rat with cheese, and then cut
+      their heads off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose it is right here that we inherited the desire to lynch and burn
+      at the stake the negroes that commit crime and won't confess at home. When
+      anything is born in the blood you can't get rid of it without taking a
+      dose of patriotism and purifying the blood, and I advise you never to
+      visit the Tower of London, unless you want to feel like going out and
+      killing some one that is tied up with a rope.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hearing of these murders and seeing the place where they were committed
+      does not give you an idea of fair play and you don't feel like taking some
+      one of your size when you fight, but you get to thinking that if you could
+      catch a cripple who couldn't defend himself you would like to take a
+      baseball club and maul the stuffing out of him. You become imbued with the
+      idea that if you went to war you would not want to stand up and fight
+      fair, but that you would like to get your enemy in a bunch and drop
+      dynamite down on him from a balloon, and kill all in sight, and sail away
+      with an insane laugh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but another day in this tower, and I would want to go home and murder
+      ma, or the neighbors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The only thing we have got in America that compares with the Tower of
+      London and its associates is the Leutgert sausage factory in Chicago,
+      where Leutgert got his wife into the factory, murdered her, and is alleged
+      to have cut her up in pieces and made sausage of the meat, given the
+      pieces with gristle in to his dogs, boiled the bones until they would run
+      into the sewer, dissolved the remnants in concentrated lye, and sold the
+      sausage to the lumber Jacks in the pine woods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I expect Chicago will buy that sausage factory and make a show of it, as
+      London does the tower, and you can go and see it, and feel that you are as
+      full of modern history as I am of ancient history, here in London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could see that dad was getting nervous every time a new beheading was
+      described to us, and I thought it was time to wake him up. In going
+      through the room where the old armor was displayed the beef eater told us
+      who wore the different pieces of armor, and he said at times the spirit of
+      the dead came back to the tower and occupied the armor, and I noticed that
+      dad shied at some of the pieces of armor, so when we got right into the
+      midst of it, and there was armor on every side, and dad and the beef eater
+      were ahead of me, and dad was walking fast in order to get out quick, I
+      pushed over one of the pieces, and it went crashing to the floor and the
+      noise was like a boiler factory exploding, and the dust of centuries rose
+      up, and the noise echoed down the halls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, you'd a died to see dad and the beef eater. Dad turned pale and got
+      down on his knees, and I think he began to pray, if he knows how, and he
+      trembled like a leaf, and the beef eater got behind a set of armor that
+      Cromwell or some old duck used to wear, and said, &ldquo;Wot in the bloody 'ell
+      is the matter with the h'armor?&rdquo; and then a lot of other beef eaters came,
+      and they thought dad was the spirit of King John, and they stampeded, and
+      finally I got dad to stop praying, or whatever it was that he was doing,
+      and I led him out, and when he got into the open air he recovered and
+      said. &ldquo;'Ennery, 'hi have got to get out of Lunnon, don't you know, because
+      me 'eart is palpitating,&rdquo; and we went back to the 'otel, to see if our
+      invitation to visit King Hedward had arrived.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0019" id="linkimage-0019">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/107.jpg" alt="Beefeater's Stampede 107 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, we are getting so we talk just like English coachmen, and you won't
+      hundredstand us when we get 'ome. Yours, with a haccent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'Ennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Call on King Edward and Almost
+     Settle the Irish Question.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, H-england.&mdash;Dear Uncle Ezra: The worst is over, and dad and I
+      have both touched a king. Not the way you think, touching a king for a
+      hand-out, or borrowing his loose change, the way you used to touch dad
+      when you had to pay for your goods, but just taking hold of his hand and
+      shaking it in good old United States fashion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The American minister arranged it for us. He told somebody that Peck's Bad
+      Boy and his dad were in town, and just wanted to size up a king and see
+      how he averaged up with United States politicians, and the king set an
+      hour for us to call.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, you'd a dide to see dad fix up. Everybody said, when we showed our
+      card at the hotel, notifying us that we were expected at Marlboro House at
+      such a time, that we would be expected to put on plenty of dog. That is
+      what an American from Kalamazoo, who sells breakfast food, said, and the
+      hotel people said we would be obliged to wear knee breeches and dancing
+      pumps and silk socks, and all that kind of rot, and men's furnishers began
+      to call upon us to take our measure for clothes, but when they told us how
+      much it would cost, dad kicked. He said he had a golf suit he had made in
+      Oshkosh at the time of the tournament, that every one in Oshkosh said was
+      out of sight, and was good enough for any king, and so he rigged up in it,
+      and I hired a suit at a masquerade place, and dad hired a coat, kind of
+      red, to go with his golf pants and socks, and he wore canvas tennis shoes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0020" id="linkimage-0020">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/111.jpg" alt="Suit he Had Made in Oshkosh 111 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I looked like a picture out of a fourteenth century book, but dad looked
+      like a clown in a circus. One of dad's calves made him look as though he
+      had a milk leg, cause the padding would not stay around where the calf
+      ought to be, but worked around towards his shin. We went to Marlboro House
+      in a hansom cab, and all the way there the driver kept looking down from
+      the hurricane deck, through the scuttle hole, to see if we were there yet,
+      and he must have talked with other cab drivers in sign language about us,
+      for every driver kept along with us, looked at us and laughed, as though
+      we were a wild west show.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the way to the king's residence it was all I could do to keep dad
+      braced up to go through the ordeal. He was brave enough before we got the
+      invitation, and told what he was going to say to the king, and you would
+      think he wasn't afraid of anybody, but when we got nearer to the house and
+      dad thought of going up to the throne and seeing a king in all his glory,
+      surrounded by his hundreds of lords and dukes and things, a crown on his
+      head, and an ermine cloak trimmed with red velvet, and a six-quart milk
+      pan full of diamonds, some of them as big as a chunk of alum, dad
+      weakened, and wanted to give the whole thing up and go to a matinee, but I
+      wouldn't have it, and told him if he didn't get into the king row now that
+      I would shake him right there in London and start in business as a Claude
+      Duval highwayman and hold up stage coaches, and be hung on Tyburn Tree, as
+      I used to read about in my history of Sixteen-String Jack and other
+      English highwaymen. Dad didn't want to see the family disgraced, so he let
+      the cabman drive on, but he said if we got out of this visit to royalty
+      alive, it was the last tommyrot he would indulge in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, old man, it is like having an operation for appendicitis, you feel
+      better when you come out from under the influence of the chloroform and
+      the doctor shows you what they took out of you, and you feel that you are
+      going to live, unless you grow another vermiform appendix. We were driven
+      into a sort of Central park, and up to a building that was big as a lot of
+      exposition buildings, and the servants took us in charge and walked us
+      through long rooms covered with pictures as big as side show pictures at a
+      circus, but instead of snake charmers and snakes and wild men of Borneo
+      and sword swallowers, the king's pictures were about war, and women
+      without much clothes on from the belt up. Gosh, but some of those pictures
+      made you think you could hear the roar of battle and smell gun powder, and
+      dad acted as though he wanted to git right down on the marble floor and
+      dig a rifle pit big enough to git into.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They walked us around like they do when you are being initiated into a
+      secret society, only they didn't sing, &ldquo;Here comes the Lobster,&rdquo; and hit
+      you with a dried bladder. The servants that were conducting us laffed. I
+      had never seen an Englishman laff before, and it was the most interesting
+      thing I saw in London. Most Englishmen look sorry about something, as
+      though some dear friend died every day, and their faces seem to have grown
+      that way. So when they laff it seems as though the wrinkles would stay
+      there, unless they treated their faces with massage. They were laughing at
+      dad's dislocated calf, and his scared appearance, as though he was going
+      to receive the thirty-second degree, and didn't know whether they were
+      going to throw him over a precipice or pull him up to the roof by the hind
+      legs. We passed a big hall clock, and it struck just when we were near it,
+      and of all the &ldquo;Hark, from the tombs&rdquo; sounds I ever heard, that clock took
+      the cake. Dad thought it sounded like a death knell, and he would have
+      welcomed the turning in of a fire alarm as a sound that meant life
+      everlasting, beside that doleful sound.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After we had marched about three mile heats, and passed the chairs of the
+      noble grand and the senior warden, and the exalted ruler, we came to a
+      bronze door as big as the gate to a cemetery, and the grand conductor gave
+      us a few instructions about how to back out fifteen feet from the presence
+      of the king, when we were dismissed, and then he turned us over to a
+      little man who was a grand chambermaid, I understood the fellow to say.
+      The door opened, and we went in, and dad's misplaced calf was wobbling as
+      though he had locomotor attacks-ye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, there were a dozen or so fellows standing around, and they all had
+      on some kind of uniforms, with gold badges on their breasts, and in the
+      midst of them was a little, sawed-off fat fellow, not taller than five
+      feet six, but a perfect picture of the cigar advertisements of America for
+      a cigar named after the king. I expected to see a king as big as Long John
+      Wentworth of Chicago, a great big fellow that could take a small man by
+      the collar and throw him over a house, and I felt hurt at the small size
+      of the king of Great Britain, but, gosh, he is just like a Yankee, when
+      you get the formality shook off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We bowed and dad made a courtesy like an old woman, and the king came
+      forward with a smile that ought to be imitated by every Englishman. They
+      all imitate his clothes and his hats and his shoes, but he seems to be the
+      only Englishman that smiles. Maybe it is patented, and nobody has a right
+      to smile without paying a royalty, but the good-natured smile of King
+      Edward is worth more than stomach bitters, and the English ought to be
+      allowed to copy it. There is no more solemn thing than a party of
+      Englishmen together in America, unless it is a party of speculators that
+      are short on wheat, or a gathering of defeated politicians when the
+      election returns come in. But the king is as jolly as though he had not a
+      note coming due at the bank, and you would think he was a good, common
+      citizen, after working hours, at a round beer table, with two schooner
+      loads in the hold and another schooner on the way, frothing over the top
+      of the stein. That is the feeling I had for the king when he came up to us
+      and greeted dad as the father of the bad boy and patted me on the shoulder
+      and said: &ldquo;And so you are the boy that has made more trouble than any boy
+      in the world, and had more fun than anybody, and made them all stand
+      around and wonder what was coming next. You're a wonder. Strange the
+      American people never thought of killing you.&rdquo; I said yessir, and tried to
+      look innocent, and then the king told dad to sit down, and for me to come
+      and stand by his knee, and by ginger, when he patted me on the cheek, and
+      his soft hand squeezed my hand, and he looked into my eyes with the most
+      winning expression, I did not wonder that all the women were in love with
+      him, and that all Englishmen would die for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He asked dad all about America, its institutions, the president, and
+      everything, and dad was just so flustered that he couldn't say much, until
+      the king said something about the war between the States, in which the
+      southern states achieved a victory. I don't know whether the king said
+      that just to wake dad up, 'cause dad had a grand army button on his coat,
+      but dad choked up a little, and then began to explode, a little at a time,
+      like a bunch of firecrackers, and finally he went off all in a bunch. Dad
+      said: &ldquo;Look a here, Mr. King, some one has got you all balled up about
+      that war. I know, because I was in it, and now the north and the south are
+      United, and can whip any country that wants to fight a champion, and will
+      go out and get a reputation, by gosh!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The king laughed at touching dad off, and asked dad what was the matter of
+      America and Great Britain getting together and making all nations know
+      when they had better keep their places, and quit talking about fighting.
+      Dad said he never would consent to America and Great Britain getting
+      together to fight any country until Ireland got justice and was ready to
+      come into camp on an equality, and the king said he would answer for the
+      Irishmen of Ireland if dad would pledge the Irishmen of America, 'cause we
+      had about as many Irishmen in America as he had in Ireland, and dad said
+      if the king would give Ireland what she asked for, he would see that the
+      Irishmen in America would sing God Save the King.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0021" id="linkimage-0021">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/115.jpg" alt="Settling the Irish Question 115 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I guess dad and the king would have settled the Irish question in about
+      fifteen minutes, and signed a treaty, only a servant brought in a
+      two-quart bottle of champagne, and dad and the king hadn't drank a quart
+      apiece before dad started to sing &ldquo;My Country Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of
+      Libertee,&rdquo; and the king sang &ldquo;God Save the King,&rdquo; and, by thunder, it was
+      the same tune, and tears came into dad's eyes, and the king took out his
+      handkerchief and wiped his nose, and I bellered right out, and the king
+      rose and offered a toast to America and everybody in it, and they
+      swallered it, and dad said there was enough juice left in the bottle for
+      one more round, and he proposed a toast to all the people of Great
+      Britain, including the Irish and the king who loved them, and down she
+      went, and they were standing up. And I told dad it was time to go.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0022" id="linkimage-0022">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/119.jpg" alt="God Save the King 119 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, it was great, Uncle Ezra, and I wish you could have been there, and
+      there had been another bottle. The only thing that happened to mar the
+      reunion of dad and the king was when we were going out backwards, bowing.
+      There was a little hassock back of me, and I kicked it back of dad, and
+      when dad's heels struck it he went over backwards and struck on his golf
+      pants, and dad said: &ldquo;El, 'Ennery, I'ave broken my bloomink back, but who
+      cares,&rdquo; and when the servants picked dad up and took him out in the hall
+      and marched us to the entrance, dad got in the cab, gave the grand hailing
+      sign of distress, started to sing God save something or other, and went to
+      sleep in the cab, and I took him to the hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0023" id="linkimage-0023">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/121.jpg" alt="He Went over Backwards 121 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER X.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes of Ancient and Modern Highwaymen&mdash;They
+     Get a Taste of High Life in London and Dad Tells the Story
+     of the Picklemaker's Daughter.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      London, England.&mdash;My Dear Old Skate: Well, if we are going to see any
+      of the other countries on this side of the water before our return ticket
+      expires, we have got to be getting a move on, and dad says in about a week
+      we will be doing stunts in Paris that will bring about a revolution, and
+      wind up the republic of France, and seat some nine-spot on the throne that
+      Napoleon used to wear out his buckskin pants on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad asked me tother day what I cared most to see in London, and I told him
+      I wanted to visit Newgate prison, and the places made famous by the bold
+      highwaymen of a century or two ago. He thought I was daffy, but when I
+      told him how I had read &ldquo;Claude Duval&rdquo; and &ldquo;Six-teen-String Jack&rdquo; and all
+      the highway literature, in the haymow, when dad thought I was weeding the
+      garden, he confessed that he used to hunt those yellow covered books out
+      of the manger when I was not reading them, and that he had read them all
+      himself, when I thought he was studying for his campaign speeches, and so
+      he said he would go with me. So we visited Homestead Heath, where Claude
+      Duval used to ride &ldquo;Black Bess,&rdquo; and hold up people who traveled at night
+      in post chaises, and we found splendid spots where there had been more
+      highway robbery going on than any place east of Missouri, but I was
+      disgusted when I thought what chumps those old highway robbers were,
+      compared to the American highway robbers and hold up men of the present
+      day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Claude Duval's time he had a brace of flintlock pistols, which he had
+      to examine the priming every time a victim showed up, and while he was
+      polite when he robbed a duchess, he used to kill people all right, though
+      if they had had cameras at that time the flash from the priming pan would
+      have taken a flash-light picture of the robber, so he could have been
+      identified when he rode off in the night to a roadside inn and filled up
+      on beer, while he counted the ten shillings he had taken from the silk
+      purse of the victim. Why, one of our American gangs that hold up a train,
+      and get an express safe full of greenbacks, and shoots up a mess of
+      railroad hands and passengers with Winchesters and automatic pistols, and
+      blows up cars with dynamite and gets away and has to have a bookkeeper and
+      a cashier to keep their bank accounts straight, could give those old
+      Claude Duvals and Sixteen-String Jacks cards and spades.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But civilization, dad says, has done much for the highway robbery
+      business, and he says we in America have arrived at absolute perfection.
+      However, I was much interested in looking over the ground where my first
+      heroes lived and died, and did business, and when we went to the prisons
+      where they were confined, and were shown where Tyburn Tree stood, that so
+      many of them were hung on, tears came to my eyes at the thought that I was
+      on the sacred ground where my heroes croaked, and went to their deaths
+      with smiles on their faces, and polite to the last. The guard who showed
+      us around thought that dad and I were relatives of the deceased
+      highwaymen, and when we went away he said to dad: &ldquo;Call again, Mr. Duval.
+      Always glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes. What line of
+      robbery are you in, Mr. Duval?&rdquo; Dad was mad, but he told the guard he was
+      now on the stock exchange, and so we maintained the reputation of the
+      family.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0024" id="linkimage-0024">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/126.jpg"
+       alt="Glad to Serve Any of the Descendants Of The Heroes 126 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Then we hired horses and took a horse back ride through Rotten Row, where
+      everybody in London that has the price, rides a horse, and no carriages
+      are allowed. Dad was an old cavalry man forty years ago, and he is stuck
+      on his shape when he is on a horse, but he came near breaking up the horse
+      back parade the day we went for the ride. The liveryman gave us two
+      bob-tailed nags, a big one for dad and a small one for me, but they didn't
+      have any army saddle for dad, and he had to ride on one of these little
+      English saddles, such as jockeys ride races on, and dad is so big where he
+      sits on a saddle that you couldn't see the saddle, and I guess they gave
+      dad a hurdle jumper, because when we got right amongst the riders, men and
+      women, his horse began to act up, and some one yelled, &ldquo;Tally-ho,&rdquo; and
+      that is something about fox hunting, not a coach, and the horse jumped a
+      fence and dad rolled off over the bowsprit and went into a ditch of dirty
+      water.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0025" id="linkimage-0025">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/128.jpg" alt="Dad Rolled off over the Bowsprit 128 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The horse went off across a field, and the policeman fished dad out of the
+      ditch, and run him through a clothes wringer or something, and got him
+      dried out, and sent him to the hotel in an express wagon, and I rode my
+      horse back to the liveryman and told him what happened to dad, and they
+      locked me up in a box stall until somebody found the horse, 'cause they
+      thought dad was a horse thief, and they held me for ransom. But dad came
+      around before night and paid my ransom, and we were released. Dad says
+      Rotten Row is rotten, all right enough, and by ginger it is, 'cause he has
+      not got the smell of that ditch off his clothes yet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now he has got a new idea, and that is to go to some country where there
+      are bandits, different from the bandits here in London, and be captured
+      and taken to the mountain fastnesses, and held for ransom until our
+      government makes a fuss about it, and sends warships after-us. I tell dad
+      it would be just our luck to have our government fail to try to get us,
+      and the bandits might cut our heads off and stick them on a pole as a
+      warning to people not to travel unless they had a ransom concealed about
+      their clothes. But dad says he is out to see all the sights, and he is
+      going to be ransomed before he gets home, if it takes every dollar our
+      government has got. I think he is going to work the bandit racket when we
+      get to Turkey, but, by ginger, he can leave me at a convent, because I
+      don't want one of those crooked sabers run into me and turned around like
+      a corkscrew. Dad says I can stay in a harem while he goes to the mountains
+      with the bandits, and I don't know as I care, as they say a harem is the
+      most interesting place in Turkey. You know the pictures we have studied in
+      the old grocery, where a whole bunch of beautiful women are practicing
+      using soap in a marble bath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, don't you say anything to ma about it, but dad has got his foot in
+      it clear up to the top button. It isn't anything scandalous, though there
+      is a woman at the bottom of it. You see, we used to know a girl that left
+      home to go out into the world and earn her own living. She elocuted some
+      at private parties and sanitariums, to entertain people that were daffy,
+      and were on the verge of getting permanent bats in their belfry, and after
+      a few years she got on the stage, and made a bunch of money, and went
+      abroad. And then she had married a titled person, and everybody supposed
+      she was a duchess, or a countess, and ma wanted us to inquire about her
+      when we got over here. Ma didn't want us to go and hunt her up to board
+      with her, or anything, but just to get a glimpse of high life, and see if
+      our poor little friend was doing herself proud in her new station in life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0026" id="linkimage-0026">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/131.jpg"
+       alt="Isn't Money Enough in the Whole Family to Wad a Gun 131 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but dad found her, and she ain't any more of a duchess than I am. Her
+      husband is a younger son of a titled person, but there isn't money enough
+      in the whole family to wad a gun, and our poor girl is working in a shop,
+      or store, selling corsets to support a lazy, drunken husband and a whole
+      mess of children, and while she is seven removes from a duchess, she does
+      not rank with the woman who washes her mother's clothes at home. Gosh, but
+      dad was hot when he found her, and after she told him about her situation
+      in life he gave her a yellow-backed fifty-dollar bill, and came back to
+      the hotel mad, and wanted to pack up and go somewhere else, where he
+      didn't know any titled-persons.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That night a couple of dukes came around to the hotel to sell dad some
+      stock in a diamond mine in South Africa, and they got to talking about how
+      English society held over our crude American society, until dad got an
+      addition to the mad he had when he called on our girl, and when one of the
+      dukes said America was being helped socially by the marriage of American
+      women to titled persons, dad got a hot box, like a stalled freight train.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Says dad, says he: &ldquo;You Johnnies are a lot of confidence men, who live
+      only to rope in rich American girls, so you can marry them and have their
+      dads lift the mortgages on your ancestral estates, and put on tin roofs in
+      place of the mortgages, 'cause a mortgage will not shed rain, and you get
+      their money and spend it on other women.&rdquo; One of the dukes turned red like
+      a lobster, and I think he is a lobster, anyway, and he was going to make
+      dad stop talking, but the duke didn't know dad, and he continued. Says
+      dad, says he: &ldquo;I know a rich old man in the States, who made ten million
+      dollars on pickles, or breakfast food, and he had a daughter that was so
+      homely they couldn't keep a clock going in the house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She came over here and got exposed to a duke, and she had never been
+      vaccinated, and the first her father knew she caught the duke, and came;
+      home, and he followed her. Say, he didn't know enough to pound sand, and
+      the old man got several doctors for her, but they couldn't break up the
+      duke fever, and finally the old pickle citizen asked him how much the
+      mortgage was, and how much they could live on, and he bought her the duke,
+      and sent them off, and the duke covered his castle with building paper, so
+      it would hold water, and they set up housekeeping with a hundred servants.
+      Then the duke wanted a racing stable, after the baby came, and the old
+      pickle man went over to see the baby, and it looked so much like the old
+      man that he invested in a racing stable, and the servants bowed low to the
+      old man and called him 'Your 'ighness,' and that settled the old pickle
+      person, and he fell into the trap of building a townhouse in London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then he went home and made some more pickles, and the daughter cabled him
+      to come right over, as they had been invited to entertain the king and a
+      lot of other face cards in the pack. And the old man thought it would be
+      great to get in the king row himself, so he shoveled a lot of big bills
+      into some packing trunks and went over to fix up for the king. The castle
+      had to be redecorated for about six miles, up one corridor and down the
+      other, but Old Pickles stood the raise, because he thought it would be
+      worth the money to be on terms of intimacy with a king.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then when it was all ready, and the old man was going to stand at the
+      front door and welcome the king, they made him go to his room, back about
+      a half a mile in the rear of the castle, and for two weeks old Pickles had
+      his meals brought to his room, and when it was over, and his sentence had
+      expired, he was let out, and all he saw of the grand entertainment to the
+      crowned heads was a ravine full of empty wine bottles, a case of jimjams
+      for a son-in-law, a case of nervous prostration for a daughter, and
+      hydrophobia for himself. My old pickle friend has got, at this date, three
+      million good pickle dollars invested in your d&mdash;d island, and all he
+      has to show for it is a sick daughter, neglected by a featherhead of a
+      husband, who will only speak to old pickles when he wants more money, and
+      a grandchild that may die teething at any time. You are a nice lot of
+      ducks to talk to me about your English society being better than our
+      American civilization. You get,&rdquo; and dad drove the dukes out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0027" id="linkimage-0027">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/135.jpg" alt="Dad Drove the Dukes out 135 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I think they are going to have dad arrested for treason. But don't tell
+      ma, 'cause she may think treason serious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bay Boy Writes About Paris&mdash;Tells About the Trip Across
+     the English Channel&mdash;Dad Feeds a Dog and Gets Arrested.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Paris, France.&mdash;My Dear Uncle Ezra: Dad is in an awful state here,
+      and I do not know what to do with him. We struck this town all in a heap,
+      and the people seemed to be paralyzed so they couldn't speak, except to
+      make motions and make noises that we could not interpret. This is the
+      first time dad and I have been in a place where nobody understood our
+      language. Ordinarily we would take pleasure in teaching people to speak
+      the English language, but in coming across the English channel dad and I
+      both got something we never got on the water before. Ordinary seasickness
+      is only an incident, that makes you wish you were dead&mdash;just
+      temporary, but when it wears off you can enjoy your religion and victuals
+      as well as ever, but the seasickness that the English channel gives you is
+      a permanent investment, like government bonds that you cut coupons off of.
+      I 'spect we shall be sick always now, and worse every other day, like
+      chills and fever.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, a boat on the English channel does not roll, or pitch, at intervals,
+      like a boat on ordinary water, but it does stunts like a broncho that has
+      been poisoned by eating loco-weeds, and goes into the air and dives down
+      under, and shakes itself like a black bass with a hook in its mouth, and
+      rolls over like a trained dog, and sits up on its hind legs and begs, and
+      then walks on its fore paws, and seems to jump through hoops, and dig for
+      woodchucks, and all the time the water boils like 'pollinarius, full of
+      bubbles, and it gives you the hiccups to look at it, and it flows every
+      way at the same time, and the wind comes from the fourteen quarters at
+      once, and blows hot if you are too hot and want a cool breeze, and if you
+      are too cold, and want a warm breeze to keep you alive, it comes right
+      from the north pole, and you just perish in your tracks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but it is awful. When you get seasick on an ordinary ocean, you know
+      where to locate the disease, and you know where to go for relief, and when
+      you have got relieved you know that you are alive, but an English channel
+      seasickness is as different from any other as an alcohol jag is different
+      from a champagne drunk. This English channel seasickness begins on your
+      toes, and you feel as though the toenails were being pulled out with
+      pincers, and the veins in your legs seem to explode, your arms wilt like
+      lettuce in front of a cheap grocery, your head seems to be struck with a
+      pile-driver and telescoped down into your spine, and your stomach feels as
+      though you had swallowed a telephone pole with all of the cross arms and
+      wires and glass insulators, and you wish lightning would strike you. Gosh,
+      but dad was hot when he found that he was sick that way, and when we got
+      ashore he wanted to kill the first man he met.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He thinks that it is a crime for a man not to understand the English
+      language, and when he tells what he wants, and the man he is talking to
+      shrugs his shoulders and laughs, and brings him something else, he wants
+      to pull his gun and begin to shoot up the town, and only for me he would
+      have killed people before this, but now he takes it out in scowling at
+      people who do not understand him. Dad seems to think that if he cannot
+      make a man understand what he says, all he has to do is to swear at the
+      man, but there is no universal language of profanity, so the more dad
+      swears the more the nervous Frenchman smiles, and acts polite.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think the French people are the politest folks I ever knew. If a
+      Frenchman had to kick a person out of doors, he would wear a felt slipper,
+      and after he had kicked you he would place his hand on his heart, and bow,
+      and look so sorry, and hurt, that you would want to give him a tip.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, but this tipping business is what is breaking dad's heart. I think if
+      the servants would arrange a syndicate to rob dad of two or three dol lars
+      a day, by pocket picking, or sneak thieving, he would overlook it, and say
+      that as long as it was one of the customs of the country we should have to
+      submit to it, but when he has paid his bill, with everything charged
+      extra, and the servants line up and look appealingly, or mad, as the case
+      may be, dad is the hardest man to loosen that ever was, but if they seem
+      to look the other way, and not, apparently, care whether they get a cent
+      or not, dad would go and hunt them up, and divide his roll with them. Dad
+      is not what you would call a &ldquo;tight wad,&rdquo; if you let him shed his money
+      normally, when he feels the loosening coming on, but you try to work him
+      by bowing and cringing, and his American spirit gets the better of him,
+      and he looks upon the servant as pretty low down. I have told him that the
+      tipping habit is just as bad in America as in France, but he says in
+      America the servant acts as though he never had such a thought as getting
+      a tip, and when you give him a quarter or other tip he looks puzzled, as
+      though he did not just recall what he had done to merit such treatment,
+      but finally puts the money in his pocket with an air as though he would
+      accept it in trust, to be given to some deserving person at the first
+      opportunity, and then he smiles, and gets away, and blows in the tip for
+      something wet and strong.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told dad if he would just ignore the servants, as though he did not
+      understand that they expected a tip, that he would be all right, so when
+      we got ready to move from the hotel to private rooms dad never gave any
+      servant a tip. Well, I don't know what the servants did to our baggage,
+      but they must have marked it with a smallpox sign, or something, for
+      nobody would touch it for several hours, but finally a baggage man took it
+      and started for our apartments, and got lost and didn't show up for two
+      days, and when it was finally landed on the sidewalk nobody would carry it
+      upstairs, and dad and I had to lug it up two flights, and I thought dad
+      would have apoplexy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0028" id="linkimage-0028">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/143.jpg" alt="Coughs up a Tip Every Time 143 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We found a guide who could talk New Orleans English and he said it would
+      cost three dollars to square it with the servants at the hotel, and have
+      the boycott removed from our baggage, and dad paid it, and now he coughs
+      up a tip every time he sees a servant look at him. He pays when he goes in
+      a restaurant and when he comes out, and says he is cured of trying to
+      reform the customs of anybody else's country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have engaged a guide to stay with us day and night. The guide took us
+      out for a bat last night, and dad had the time of his life. Dad has drank
+      a good deal of spiritous and malt liquors in his time, but I don't think
+      he ever indulged much in champagne at three or four dollars a bottle at
+      home. Maybe he has been saving himself up till he got over here, where
+      champagne is cheap and it takes several quarts to make you see angels. The
+      guide took us to one of these bullyvards, where there are tables out on
+      the sidewalk, and you can eat and drink and look at the dukes and counts
+      and dutchesses and things promenading up and down, flirting like sin, and
+      we sat down to a table and ordered things to eat and drink, and dad looked
+      like Uncle Sam, and felt his oats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0029" id="linkimage-0029">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/138.jpg" alt="A Tone of Voice That Meant Trouble 138 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      When he had drank a few thimblefuls of absinthe, and some champagne, and
+      eat a plateful of frogs, he was just ripe for trouble. A woman and a man
+      at an adjoining table had one of these white dogs that is sheared like a
+      hedge fence, with spots of long hair left on in places, and dad coaxed the
+      dog over to our table and began to feed him frogs' legs, and the woman
+      began to talk French out loud, and look cross at dad, and the count that
+      was with her came over to our table and looked at dad in a tone of voice
+      that meant trouble, and said something sassy, and the guide said the man
+      wanted to fight a duel because dad had contaminated the woman's dog, and
+      dad got mad and offered to wipe out the whole place, and he got up with a
+      champagne bottle and looked defiance at the count, and the waiters began
+      to scatter, when the woman came up to dad and begged him not to hurt the
+      count, and as she spoke broken English dad could understand her, and she
+      looked so beautiful, and her eyes were filled with tears, and dad relented
+      and said: &ldquo;Don't cry, dear, I won't hurt the little runt.&rdquo; She was so glad
+      dad was not going to kill the count that she threw herself into his arms
+      and thanked dear America for producing such a grand citizen, such a brave
+      man as dad, who could forego the pleasure of killing a poor, weak man who
+      had insulted him, particularly as dad's wild Indian ancestry made it hard
+      for him to refrain from blood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0030" id="linkimage-0030">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/145.jpg" alt="I Won't Hurt the Little Runt 145 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, dad's face was a study, as he braced up and held that 150 pounds of
+      white meat in his arms, with all the people looking on, and he seemed
+      proud and heroic, and he stroked her hair and told her not to worry, and
+      finally she hied herself away from dad and the count took her away, and
+      they went up the bullyvard, and after all was quiet again dad said:
+      &ldquo;Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. When you are tempted to commit a
+      rash act and avenge an insult in blood, stop and think of the sorrow and
+      shame that will come to you if you draw your gun too quick, and have a
+      widow on your hands as the result. Suppose I had killed that shrimp, the
+      face of his widow would have haunted me always, and I would have wanted to
+      die. Don't ever kill anybody, my boy, if you can settle a dispute by
+      shaking the dice.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, dad ordered some more wine, and as he drank it, he allowed the
+      populace to admire him and say things about the great American
+      millionaire, who spent money like water and was too brave to fight. Then
+      dad called for his check to pay his bill, and when he felt in his pocket
+      for his roll of bills, he hadn't a nickel and the woman, when she was in
+      his arms, weeding with one hand, had gone through dad's pockets with the
+      other. Dad felt for his watch, to see what time it was, and his watch was
+      gone, and the waiter was waiting for the money and dad tried to explain
+      that he had been buncoed, and the head waiter came and begun to act sassy,
+      and then they called a policeman to stay by us till the money was
+      produced, and everybody at the other tables laughed, and dad turned blue,
+      and I thought he would have a fit. Finally, the guide began to talk, and
+      the result was that a policeman went home with us, and dad found money
+      enough to pay the bill, but he talked language that caused the landlady to
+      ask us to find a new place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0031" id="linkimage-0031">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/148.jpg"
+       alt="Tried to Explain That he Had Been Buncoed 148 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The next morning the guide showed up with an officer who had a warrant for
+      dad for hugging a woman in a public cafe, and it seemed as though we were
+      in for it, but the guide said he could settle the whole business by paying
+      the officer $20, and dad paid it and I think the guide and the officer
+      divided the money. Say, this is the greatest town we have struck yet for
+      excitement, and I guess dad will not have a chance to think of his
+      sickness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This morning we went into a big department store, and, by gosh! we found
+      the count that dad was going to fight was a floor-walker, and the countess
+      was behind a counter selling soap. When dad saw the count leering at him,
+      he put his hand on his pistol pocket and yelled a regular cowboy yell, and
+      the count rushed down into the basement, the soap countess fainted, and
+      the police took dad to the police station, and all day the guide and I
+      have been trying to get him out on bail. If we get dad out of this we are
+      going to put a muzzle on him. Well, if anyone asks you if I am having much
+      of a time abroad, you can tell them the particulars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P. S.&mdash;We got dad out for $20 and costs, and he says he will blow
+      Paris up before night. We are going up to the top of the Eiffel tower this
+      afternoon, to count our money, as dad dasscnt take out his pocketbook
+      anywhere on the ground for fear of being robbed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours full of frogs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy's Second Letter from Paris&mdash;Dad Poses as a
+     Mormon Bishop and Has to Be Rescued&mdash;They Climb the Eiffel
+     Tower and the Old Man Gets Converted.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Paris, France.&mdash;Old Pardner in Crime: I got your letter, telling me
+      about the political campaign that is raging at home, and when I read it to
+      dad he wanted to go right out and fill up on campaign whisky and yell for
+      his presidential candidate, but he couldn't find any whisky, so he has not
+      tried to carry any precincts of Paris for our standard-bearer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is something queer about the liquor here. There is no regular
+      campaign beverage. At home you can select a drink that is appropriate for
+      any stage of a campaign. When the nominations are first made you are not
+      excited and beer and cheese sandwiches seem to fit the case A little
+      later, when the orators begin to come out into the open and shake their
+      hair, you take cocktails and your eyes begin to resemble those of a caged
+      rat, and you are ready to quarrel with an opponent. The next stage in the
+      campaign is the whisky stage, and when you have got plenty of it the
+      campaign may be said to be open, and you wear black eyes and lose your
+      teeth, and you swear strange oaths and smell of kerosene, and only sleep
+      in the morning. Then election comes and if your side wins you drink all
+      kinds of things at once for a week, shout hoarsely and then go to the
+      Keeley cure, but if your party loses you stay home and take a course of
+      treatment for nervous prostration and say you will never mix up in another
+      campaign.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here in France it is different. The people have nervous prostration to
+      start on, start a campaign on champagne, wind up on absinthe, and after
+      the votes are counted go to an insane asylum. I do not know what first got
+      dad to drink absinthe and I don't know what it is, but it looks like soap
+      suds, tastes like seed cookies and smells like vermifuge. But it gets
+      there just the same and the result of drinking it is about the same as the
+      result of drinking anything in France&mdash;it makes you want to hug
+      somebody.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At home when a man gets full of whisky, he wants to hug the man he drinks
+      with and weep on his collar, and then hit him on the head with a bottle;
+      but here every kind of drink puts the drinker in condition to want to hug.
+      Dad says he never knew he had a brain until he learned to drink absinthe,
+      but now he can close his eyes and see things worse than any mince pie
+      nightmare, and when we go out among people he never sees a man at all, but
+      when a woman passes along, dad's eyes begin to take turns winking at them
+      and it is all I can do to keep him from proposing marriage to every woman
+      he sees.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0032" id="linkimage-0032">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/153.jpg"
+       alt="Badge on Dad's Breast, With the Word 'bishop' 153 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I thought I would break him of this woman foolishness, so I told everybody
+      dad was a Mormon bishop, and had a grand palace at Salt Lake City, and
+      owned millions of gold mines and tabernacles and wanted to marry a
+      thousand women and take them to Utah and place them at the head of homes
+      of their own, and he would just call once or twice a week and leave bags
+      of gold for his wives to spend. A newspaper reporter, that could talk
+      English, wrote a piece for a paper about dad wanting to marry a whole lot
+      and he said life in Utah was better than a Turkish harem, cause the wives
+      of a Mormon bishop did not have to be locked up and watched by unix, but
+      could flirt and blow in money and go out to dances and have just as much
+      fun as though they lived in Newport, and had got divorces from
+      millionaires, and he said any woman who wanted to marry a Mormon bishop
+      could meet dad on the bullyvard near a certain monument, on a certain day.
+      I was on to it, with the reporter, and we hired a carriage and went to the
+      bullyvard, just at the time the newspaper said and I put a big red badge
+      on dad's breast, with the word &ldquo;Bishop&rdquo; on it, and dad had been drinking
+      absinthe and he thought the badge was a kind of sign of nobility. Well,
+      you'd adide to see the bunch of women that were there to meet dad. &ldquo;What's
+      the matter here?&rdquo; said dad, as he saw the crowd of women, looking like
+      they were there in answer to an advertisement for nurses. I told dad to
+      stand up in the carriage, like Dowie does in Chicago, and hold out his
+      hands and say: &ldquo;Bless you, my children,&rdquo; and when dad got up to bless
+      them, the reporter and I got out of the carriage, and the reporter, which
+      could talk French, said for all the women who wanted to be Mormon wives to
+      get into the carriage with the bishop and be sealed for life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you'd a thought it was a remnant sale! More than a dozen got
+      into the carriage with dad, and about 400 couldn't get in, but when the
+      scared driver started up the horses, they all followed the carriage, and
+      then the mounted police surrounded the whole bunch and moved them off
+      towards the police station, and dad under the wagonload of females, each
+      one trying to get the nearest to him, so as to be his favorite wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It got noised around that a foreign potent-ate had been arrested with his
+      whole harem for conduct unbecoming to a potent-ate, and so when we got to
+      the jail dad had to be rescued from his wives, and they were driven into a
+      side street by the police, and dad was locked up to save his life. The
+      reporter and I went to the jail to get him out, but we had to buy a new
+      suit of clothes for him, as everything was torn off him in the Mormon
+      rush.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0033" id="linkimage-0033">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/155.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Was a Sight when We Found Him in Jail 155 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad was a sight when we found him in jail, and he thought his bones were
+      broken, and he wanted to know what was the cause of his sudden popularity
+      with the fair sex, and I told him it all came from his looking so
+      confounded distinguished, and his flirting with women. He said he would
+      swear he never looked at one of those women in a tone of voice that would
+      deceive a Sunday school teacher, and he felt as though he was being
+      misunderstood in France. We told him the only way to get out of jail was
+      to say he was a crowned head from Oshkosh, traveling incog, and when he
+      began to stand on his dignity and demand that a messenger be sent for the
+      president of France, to apologize for the treatment he had received, the
+      jailer and police begged his pardon and we dressed him up in his new
+      clothes and got him out, and we went to the Eiffel tower to get some fresh
+      air.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose you have seen pictures of the Eiffel tower, on the
+      advertisements of breakfast food in your grocery, but you can form no idea
+      of the height and magnificence of the tower by studying advertisements.
+      You may think that the pictures you see of world events on your cans of
+      baked beans and maple syrup and soap, give you the benefit of foreign
+      travel, but it does not. You have got to see the real thing or you are not
+      fit to even talk about what you think you have seen. You remember that
+      Ferris wheel at the Chicago world's fair, and how we thought it was the
+      greatest thing ever made of steel, so high that it made us dizzy to look
+      to the top of it, and when we went up on the wheel we thought we could see
+      the world, from Alaska to South Africa, and we marveled at the work of man
+      and prayed that we be permitted to get down off that wheel alive, and not
+      be spilled down through the rarified Chicago atmosphere and flattened on
+      the pavement so thin we would have to be scraped up off the pavement with
+      a case knife, like a buckwheat cake that sticks to the griddle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You remember, old man, how you cried when our sentence to ride in the
+      Ferris wheel expired, and the jailer of the wheel opened the cell and let
+      us out, and you said no one would ever get you to ride again on anything
+      that you couldn't jump out of if it balked, or you got wheels in your head
+      and chunks of things came up to your Adam's apple and choked you. Well,
+      cross my heart, if that Ferris wheel, that looked so big to us, would make
+      a main spring for the Eiffel tower. The tower is higher than a kite, and
+      when you get near it and try to look up to the top, you think it is a
+      joke, and that really no one actually goes up to the top of it. You see
+      some flies up around the top of it, and when the guide tells you the flies
+      crawling around there are men and women, you think the guide has been
+      drinking.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0034" id="linkimage-0034">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/157.jpg"
+       alt="Flies Crawling Around There Are Men and Women 157 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      But dad and I and the guide paid our money, got into an elevator and began
+      to go up. After the thing had been going up awhile dad said he wouldn't go
+      up more than a mile or so at first, and asked the man to let him off at
+      the 3,000-foot level, but the elevator man said dad had got to take all
+      the degrees and dad said: &ldquo;Let her went,&rdquo; and after an hour or so we got
+      to the top.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee! but I thought dad would fall dead right there, when he looked off at
+      Paris and the world beyond. The flies we had seen at the top before
+      starting had changed to human beings, all looking pale and scared, and the
+      human beings on the ground had changed into flies and bugs, for all you
+      could see of a man on the ground was his feet with a flattened plug hat
+      someway fastened on the ankles, and a woman looked like a spoonful of
+      raspberry jam dropped on the pavement, or a splash of current jelly moving
+      on the ground in a mysterious way. I do not know as the Eiffel tower was
+      intended to act as a Keeley cure, but of the 50 people who went up with
+      us, half of them were so full their back teeth were floating, including
+      dad and the guide, but when we got to the top and they got a view of the
+      awful height to which we had come, it seemed as though every man got sober
+      at once, and their tongues seemed to cleave to the roof of their mouths.
+      All they could do was to look off at the city and the view in the
+      distance, and choke up, and look sorry about something.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I couldn't help thinking of what sort of a pulp a man would be if he fell
+      off the top of the tower and struck a fat woman on the pavement, cause it
+      seemed to me you couldn't tell which was fat woman and which was man. I
+      never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad, after he got his
+      second wind and got his voice working. He looked like a man who had made
+      up his mind to lead a different life and begin right there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0035" id="linkimage-0035">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/159.jpg" alt="He Took out a Five-dollar Bill 159 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There was a Salvation Army man and woman in the crowd and dad went up to
+      them. He took out a five-dollar bill and put it in the tambourine of the
+      lassie, and said to the man and woman: &ldquo;Now, look a here, I want to join
+      your church, and if you have got the facilities for giving me the degrees,
+      you can sign me as a Christian right now. I have been a bad man, and never
+      thought I needed the benefits of religious training, but since I got up
+      here, so near Heaven, in an elevator which I will bet $10 will break and
+      kill us all before we get down to Paris, I want you to prepare me for the
+      hereafter quick.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Some of the other fellows laughed at dad, and the Salvation Army people
+      looked as though dad was drunk, but he continued: &ldquo;You can laugh and be
+      jammed, but I'll never leave this place until I am a pious man, and you
+      Salvation Army people have got to enlist me in your army, for I am scared
+      plum to death. Go ahead and convert me, while we wait.&rdquo; The Salvation Army
+      captain put his hand on dad's head, the girl held out the tambourine for
+      another contribution, and dad felt a sweet peace come over him, and we
+      went down in the elevator and took a hack to the hotel, and dad's lips
+      worked as though in pain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      H. <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy's Dad and a Man from Dakota Frame Up a Scheme to
+     Break the Bank, But They Go Broke&mdash;The Party in Trouble.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Monte Carlo.&mdash;Dear Uncle: I blush to write the name, Monte Carlo, at
+      the head of a letter to anyone that is a Christian, or who believes in
+      honesty and decency, and earning a living by the sweat of one's brow, for
+      this place is the limit. If I should write anybody a letter from South
+      Clark street, Chicago, the recipient would know I had gone wrong, and was
+      located in the midst of a bad element, and the inference would be that I
+      was the worst fakir, robber, hold-up man or assassin in the bunch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The inference you must draw from the heading of this letter is that dad
+      and I have taken all the degree of badness and are now winding up our
+      career by taking the last degree, before passing in our chips and
+      committing suicide. Do you know what this place is, old man? Monaco is a
+      principality, about six miles square, ruled by a prince, and the whole
+      business of the country, for it is a &ldquo;country&rdquo; the same as though it had a
+      king, is gambling. They have all the different kinds of gambling, from
+      chuck-a-luck at two bits to roulette at a million dollars a minute. What
+      started dad to come to Monte Carlo is more than I know, unless it was a
+      new American he has got acquainted with, a fellow from North Dakota, that
+      dad met at a sort of dance that he did not take me to. It seems there is a
+      place in Paris where they go to see men and women dance&mdash;one of those
+      dances where they kick so high that their feet hit the gas fixtures.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, all I know about it is that one Wednesday night dad said he felt as
+      though it was his duty to go to prayer meeting, so he could say when he
+      got home that in all the frivolities of a trip abroad, even in wicked
+      Paris, he never neglected his church duties. I never was stuck on going to
+      prayer meeting, so dad let me stay at the hotel and play pool with the
+      cash register boy in the barroom, and dad took a hymn book and went out,
+      looking pious as I ever saw him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0036" id="linkimage-0036">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/164.jpg"
+       alt="Dance, Like They Had Seen the People Dance at The Show 164 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      My, what a difference there was in dad in the morning. I woke up about
+      daylight, and dad came into the room with a strange man, with spinach on
+      his chin, and they began to dance, like they had seen the people dance at
+      the show where they had passed the evening. They were undressed, except
+      their underclothes, which wore these combination suits, so when a man gets
+      into them he is sealed up like a bologna, and he has to have help when he
+      wants to get out to take a bath, and he has to have an outsider button him
+      in with a button hook. Gee, I would rather be a sausage and done with it!
+      Well, dad and this man from Dakota kicked high until dad caught by the
+      ankle on a gas bracket, and the strange man got me up out of bed to help
+      unloosen dad and get him down before he was black in the face. Finally we
+      got dad down and then the two old codgers began to discuss a proposition
+      to go to Monte Carlo to break the bank.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0037" id="linkimage-0037">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/162.jpg" alt="A System of Gambling 162 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Dakota man agreed that Americans had no right to be spending their own
+      money doing Europe, when their genius was equal to the task of acquiring
+      the money of the less intelligent foreigners. He said they could go to
+      Monte Carlo and by a system of gambling which he had used successfully in
+      the Black Hills they could carry away all the money they could pile into
+      sacks. The man said he would guarantee to break the bank if dad would put
+      his money against the Dakota man's experience as a gambler, and they would
+      divide the proceeds equally. Dad bit like a bass. He said he had always
+      had an element of adventure in his make-up, and had always liked to take
+      chances, and from what he had heard of the fabulous sums won and lost at
+      Monte Carlo he could see that if a syndicate could be formed that would
+      win most of the time, he could see that there was more money in it than in
+      any manufacturing enterprise, and he was willing to finance the scheme.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Dakota man fairly hugged dad, and he told dad in confidence that they
+      two could divide up money enough to make them richer than they ever
+      dreamed of, and all the morning they discussed the plan, and made a list
+      of things they would need to get away with the money. They provided
+      themselves with canvas sacks to carry away the gold, and dad drew all his
+      money out of the bank, and that evening we took a train for Monte Carlo.
+      All the way here dad and his new friend chuckled over the sensation they
+      would make among the gamblers, and I became real interested in the scheme.
+      There was to be some fun besides the winning of the money, because they
+      talked of going out in the park and on the terraces when they were tired
+      of winning money, and seeing the poor devils who had gone broke commit
+      suicide, as that is said to be one of the features of the place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0038" id="linkimage-0038">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/166.jpg"
+       alt="Seeing the Poor Devils Who Had Gone Broke 166 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, we got a suite of rooms and the first day we looked over the place,
+      and ate free banquets and saw how the people dressed, and just looked
+      prosperous and showed money on the slightest provocation, and got the hang
+      of things. Dad was to go in the big gambling room in the afternoon with
+      his pockets fairly dropsical with money, and the Dakota man was to do the
+      betting, and dad was to hold one of the canvas bags, and when it was full
+      we were to take it to our room, and quit gambling for awhile, to give the
+      bank a chance to raise more money. Dad insisted that his partner should
+      lose a small bet once in awhile, so the bank should not get on to the fact
+      that we had a cinch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After luncheon we entered the big gambling room, in full-dress suits, and,
+      by gosh! it was like a king's reception. There were hundreds of men and
+      women, dressed for a party, and it did not seem like a gambling hell,
+      except that there were, piles of gold as big as stoves, on all the tables,
+      and the guests were provided with silver rakes, with long handles, to rake
+      in the money. Dad said in a whisper to the Dakota man: &ldquo;What is the use of
+      taking the trouble to run a gold mine, and get all dirtied up digging
+      dirty nuggets, when you can get nice, clean gold, all coined, ready to
+      spend, by betting right?&rdquo; And then dad turned to me and he said; &ldquo;Hennery,
+      don't let the sight of this wealth make you avaricious. Don't be
+      purse-proud when you find that your poor father, after years of struggle
+      against adversity, and the machinations of designing men, has got next to
+      the Pierpont Morgan class and has money to buy railroads. Don't get
+      excited when we begin to bag the money, but just act as though it was a
+      regular thing with us to salt down our gold for winter, the same as we do
+      our pork.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      A count, or a duke, gave us nice seats, and rakes to haul in the money; a
+      countess, with a low-necked dress, winked at dad when he reached into his
+      pistol pocket and brought out a roll of bills and handed them to the
+      Dakota man, who bought $500 worth of red chips, and when the man looked
+      the roulette table over and put about a pint of chips on the red, dad
+      choked up so he was almost black in the face, and began to perspire so I
+      had to wipe my face with a handkerchief; the gambler rolled the wheel and
+      when the ball stopped on the red, and dad did the raking and raked in a
+      quart of chips, and dad shook hands with the Dakota man and said: &ldquo;Pard,
+      we have got 'em on the run,&rdquo; and reached for his sack to put in the first
+      installment of acquired wealth, and the low-necked countess smiled a
+      ravishing smile on dad, and dad looked as though he owned a brewery, and
+      the Dakota man twisted his chin whiskers and acted like he was sorry for
+      the Monte Carlo bank, I just got so faint with joy that I almost cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To think we had skinned along as economically as possible all our lives,
+      and never made much money, and now, through this Dakota genius, and this
+      Monte Carlo opportunity, we had wealth raking in by the bushel, made me
+      feel great, and I wondered why more people had not found out this faraway
+      place, where people could become rich and prosperous in a day, if they had
+      the nerve. I tell you, old man, it was great, and I was going to cable you
+      to sell out your grocery for what you could get at forced sale and come
+      here with the money, gamble and become a millionaire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0039" id="linkimage-0039">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/171.jpg"
+       alt="Reach Into Another Pocket and Dig up Another Roll 171 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Monte Carlo (the next day).&mdash;My Dear Uncle Ezra: I do not know how to
+      write you the sequel to this tragedy. After our Dakota partner, with the
+      Black Hills system of beating a roulette game, had won the first bet, he
+      never guessed the right color again, and dad had no more use for the rake.
+      Every time he bet and lost, he would reach out to dad for more money, and
+      dad would reach into another pocket and dig up another roll, and the
+      countess would laugh and dad had to act as though he enjoyed losing money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was about dark when dad had fished up the last hundred dollars and it
+      was gone before dad could wink back to the countess, then the Dakota man
+      looked at dad for more, and dad shook his head and said it was all off,
+      and they looked it each other a minute, and then we all three got up and
+      went out in the park to see the people who had gone broke commit suicide,
+      but there was not a revolver shot and dad and the Dakota man sat down on a
+      seat and I looked at the moon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He would reach out to Dad for more money, and Dad would reach into another
+      pocket and dig up another roll.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad looked at the Dakota man and said: &ldquo;You started me in all right. What
+      happened to your system?&rdquo; The Dakota man was silent for a moment, and then
+      he pointed to me and said: &ldquo;That imp of yours crossed his fingers every
+      time I bet, except the first time.&rdquo; Dad called me to him, and he said:
+      &ldquo;Hennery, let this be a lesson to you. Never to cross your fingers. You
+      have ruined your dad,&rdquo; and he turned his pockets inside out, and hadn't
+      change for a dollar note, and he gave me the empty sack to carry, and we
+      went to our suite of rooms, knowing we would be fired out into the cold
+      world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It will take a week to get money from the states, and we may be sent to
+      the work house, as we are broke, and haven't got the means even to commit
+      suicide. Don't tell ma.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride&mdash;They Run
+     Over a Peasant&mdash;Climb &ldquo;Glaziers&rdquo;&mdash;Dad Falls Over a
+     Precipice, But Is Rescued by the Guides After a Hard Time
+     of It.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Geneva, Switzerland.&mdash;My Dear Old Man: By ginger, but I would like to
+      be home now. I have had enough of foreign travel; I don't see what is the
+      use of traveling, to see people of foreign countries, when you can go to
+      any large city in America, and find more people belonging to any foreign
+      country than you can find by going to that country, and they know a
+      confounded sight more. Take the Russians in New York, the Norwegians of
+      Minnesota, the Italians of Chicago, and the Germans of Milwaukee, and they
+      can talk English, and you can find out all about their own countries by
+      talking with them, but you go to their countries and the natives don't
+      know that there is such a language as the United States language, and they
+      laugh at you when you ask questions. I am sick of the whole business, and
+      would give all I ever expect to be worth, to be home right now, with my
+      skates sharp.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would like to open the door of your old grocery, and take one long
+      breath and die right there on the doorstep, rather than to live in luxury
+      in any foreign country. Do you know, I sometimes go into a grocery store
+      abroad, and smell around, in order to get my thoughts on dear old America,
+      but nothing abroad smells as the same thing does in our country. If I
+      could get one more smell of that keg of sauerkraut back of your counter,
+      when it is ripe enough to pick, I think I would break right down and cry
+      for joy. Of course I have smelled sauerkraut over here, but it all seems
+      new and tame compared to yours. It may be the kraut here is not aged
+      enough to be good, but yours is aged enough to vote and sticks to your
+      clothes. Gee, but I just ache to get into your grocery and eat things, and
+      smell smells, and then lay down on the counter with the cat with my head
+      on a pile of wrapping paper and go to sleep and wake up in America, an
+      American citizen, that no king or queen can tell to &ldquo;hush up&rdquo; and take off
+      my hat when I want my hat on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You may wonder how we got out of Monte Carlo, when we had lost every cent
+      we had gambling. Well, we wondered about it all night, and had our
+      breakfast sent up to our room, and had it charged, expecting that when the
+      bill came in we would have to jump into the ocean, as we had no gun to
+      kill ourselves with. Just after breakfast a duke, or something, came to
+      our room, and dad said it was all off, and he called upon the Dakota man
+      to make a speech on politics, while dad and I skipped out. We thought the
+      duke, who was the manager of the hotel, would not understand the speech,
+      and would think we were great people, who had got stranded.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0040" id="linkimage-0040">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/175.jpg" alt="Started in on a Democratic Speech 175 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Dakota man started in on a democratic speech that he used to deliver
+      in the campaign of '96, and in half an hour the duke held up his hands,
+      and the Dakota man let up on the speech. Then the duke took out a roll of
+      bills and said: &ldquo;Ze shentlemen is what you call bust. Is it not so?&rdquo; Dad
+      said he could bet his life it was so. Then the duke handed the roll of
+      bills to dad, and said it was a tribute from the prince of Monaco, and
+      that we were his guests, and when our stay was at an end, automobiles
+      would be furnished for us to go to Nice, where we could cable home for
+      funds, and be happy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, when the duke left us, dad said: &ldquo;Wouldn't that skin you?&rdquo; and he
+      gave the Dakota man one of the bills to try on the bartender, and when he
+      found the money was good we ordered an automobile and skipped out for
+      Nice. The chauffeur could not understand English, so we talked over the
+      situation and decided that the only way to be looked upon as genuine
+      automobilists would be to wear goggles and look prosperous and mad at
+      everybody. We took turns looking mad at everybody we passed on the road,
+      and got it down so fine that people picked up rocks after we had-passed,
+      and threw them at us, and then we knew that we were succeeding in being
+      considered genuine, rich automobile tourists.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After we had succeeded for an hour or two in convincing the people that we
+      were properly heartless and purse proud, dad said the only thing we needed
+      to make the trip a success was to run over somebody. He said nearly all
+      the American automobile tourists in Europe had killed somebody and had
+      been obliged to settle and support a family or two in France or Italy, and
+      they were prouder of it than they would be if they endowed a university,
+      or built a church, and he said he trusted our chauffeur would not be too
+      careful in running through the country, but would at least cripple some
+      one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, just before we got to Nice, and darkness was settling down on the
+      road, the chauffeur blew his horn, there was a scream that would raise
+      hair on Horace Greeley's head, the automobile stopped, and there was a
+      bundle of dusty old clothes, with an old woman done up in them, and we
+      jumped out and lifted her up, and there we were, the woman in a faint, the
+      peasants gathering around us with scythes and rakes and clubs, demanding
+      our lives. The bloody-faced woman was taken into a home, the crowd held
+      us, until finally a doctor came, and after examining the woman said she
+      might live, but it would be a tight squeeze. We wanted to go on, but we
+      didn't want to be cut open with a scythe, so finally a man, who said he
+      was the husband of the woman, came out with a gun, dad got down on his
+      knees and tried to say a prayer, the Dakota man held up both hands like it
+      was a stage being held up, and I cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0041" id="linkimage-0041">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/178.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Got Down on his Knees and Tried to Say a Prayer 178 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally the chauffeur said, in broken English, that the husband would
+      settle for $400, because he could pay the funeral expenses, get another
+      wife for half the money and have some thing left to lay up for Christmas.
+      As the man's gun was pointed at dad, he quit praying and gave up the money
+      and agreed to send $50 a month for 11 years, until the oldest child was of
+      age.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we got away alive, got into Nice, and the chauffeur started back and
+      we cabled home for money to be sent to Geneva, Switzerland. But, say; you
+      have not heard the sequel. A story that has a sequel is always the best,
+      and I hope to die if the police of Nice didn't tell us that we were
+      buncoed by that old woman and that the chauffeur was in the scheme and got
+      part of dad's money. The way they do it is to wait till dark, and then
+      roll the woman in the dust and put some red ink on her face, and she
+      pretends to be run over, and the doctor is hired by the month, and they
+      average $500 a night, playing that game on automobile tourists from
+      America. After the woman is run over every night, and the money is
+      collected, and the victims have been allowed to go on their way, the whole
+      community gathers at the house of the injured woman and they have a
+      celebration and a dance, and probably our chauffeur got back to the house
+      that night in time to enjoy the celebration. I suppose thousands of
+      Americans are paying money for killing people that never got a scratch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, we think in America that we have plenty of ways to rob the
+      tenderfoot, but they give us cards and spades and little casino and beat
+      us every time. Dad wanted to hire a hack and go back and finish that old
+      woman with an ax, because he said he had a corpse coming to him, but the
+      police told him he could be arrested for thinking murder, and that he was
+      a dangerous man, and that they would give him 12 hours to get out of
+      France, and so we bought tickets for Switzerland, though what we came here
+      for I don't know, only dad said it was a republic like America and he
+      wanted to breathe the free air of mountains in the home of the
+      Switzerkase.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, anybody can have Switzerland if they want it. I will sell my
+      interest cheap. The first three days we were here everybody wanted us to
+      go out on the lake, said to be the most beautiful lake in the world, and
+      we sailed on it, and rowed on it, and looked down into the clear water
+      where it is said you can see a corpse on the bottom of the lake 100 feet
+      down. We hadn't lost any corpse, except the corpse of that old woman we
+      run over at Nice, but we wanted to get the worth of our money, so we kept
+      looking for days, but the search for a corpse becomes tame after awhile,
+      and we gave it up. All we saw in the bottom of the lake was a cow, but no
+      man can weep properly over the remains of a cow, and dad said they could
+      go to the deuce with their corpses, and we just camped at the hotel till
+      our money came. Say, that lake they talk so much about is no better than
+      lakes all over Wisconsin, and there are no black bass or muskellunges in
+      it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The tourists here are just daffy about climbing mountains and glaziers,
+      and they talk about it all the time, and I could see dad's finish. They
+      told him that no American that ever visited Switzerland would be
+      recognized when he got home if he had not climbed the glaziers, so dad
+      arranged for a trip up into the sky. We went 100 miles or so on the cars,
+      passing along valleys where all the cows wear tea bells, and it sounds
+      like chimes in the distance. It is beautiful in Switzerland, but the
+      cheese is something awful. A piece of native Swiss cheese would break up a
+      family.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At night we arrived at a station where we hired guides and clothes, and
+      things, and the next morning we started. Dad wanted me to stay at the
+      station a couple of days, while he was gone, and play with the goats, but
+      I told him if there were any places in the mountains or glaziers any more
+      dangerous than Paris or Monte Carlo, I wanted to visit them, so he let me
+      go. Well, we were rigged up for discovering the north pole, and had
+      alpenstocks to push ourselves up with, and the guides had ropes to pull us
+      up when we got to places where we couldn't climb. I could get along all
+      right, but they had dad on a rope most of the time pulling him until his
+      tongue run out and his face turned blue. But dad was game, and don't you
+      forget it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Before noon we got on top of a glazier, which is the ice of a frozen
+      river, that moves all the time, sliding towards the sea.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0042" id="linkimage-0042">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/181.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Slipped Down a Crevice About 100 Feet 181 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There was nothing but a hard winter, in summer, to the experience, and we
+      would have gone back the same night, only dad slipped down a crevice about
+      100 feet with the rope on him, and the two guides couldn't pull him up,
+      and we had to send a lunch down to him on the rope and one of the guides
+      had to go back to the village for help to get dad up. Well, sir, I think
+      dad was nearer dead than he ever was before, but they sent down a bottle
+      of brandy, and when he drank some of it the snow began to melt and he was
+      warm enough to use bad language.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He yelled to me that this was the limit and wanted to know how long they
+      were going to keep him there. I yelled to him that one of the guides had
+      gone for help to pull him out, and he said for them to order a yoke of
+      oxen. I told him that probably he would have to remain there until spring
+      opened and that I was going back to America and leave him there, and he
+      better pray.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0043" id="linkimage-0043">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/183.jpg"
+       alt="Have to Remain There Until Spring Opened 183 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I don't know whether dad prayed, down there in the bowels of the
+      mountains, but he didn't pray when help came, and they finally hauled him
+      up. His breath was gone, but he gave those guides some language that would
+      set them to thinking if they could have understood him, and finally we
+      started down the mountain. They kept the rope on dad and every little
+      while he would slip and slide 100 feet or so down the mountain on his
+      pants, and the snow would go up his trousers legs clear to his collar, and
+      the exercise made him so hot that the steam came out of his clothes, and
+      he looked like a locomotive wrecked in a snow bank blowing off steam.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It became dark and I expected we would be killed, but before midnight we
+      got to the station and changed our clothes and paid off the guides and
+      took a train back. Dad said to me, as we got on the cars: &ldquo;Now, Hennery, I
+      have done this glazier stunt, just to show you that a brave man, whatever
+      his age, is equal to anything they can propose in Europe, but by ginger,
+      this settles it, and now I want to go where things come easier. I am now
+      going to Turkey and see how the Turks worry along. Are you with me?&rdquo; &ldquo;You
+      bet your life,&rdquo; says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours truly,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Dad Plays He Is an Anarchist&mdash;They Give Alms to the Beggars
+     and the Bad Boy Ducks a Gondolier and His Dad in the Grand
+     Canal.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Venice, Italy.&mdash;My Dear Old Chumireno: Dad couldn't get out of
+      Switzerland quick enough after he got thawed out the day after we climbed
+      the glaziers. We found that almost all the tourists in Geneva were there
+      because they did not want to go home and say they had not visited
+      Switzerland, so they just jumped from one place to another. The people who
+      stay there any length of time are like the foreign residents of Mexico,
+      who are wanted for something they have done at home, that is against the
+      law. There are more anarchists in Geneva than anything else, and they look
+      hairy and wild eyed, and they plot to kill kings and drink beer out of two
+      quart jars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When we found that more attention was paid to men suspected of crime in
+      their own countries, and men who were believed to be plotting to
+      assassinate kings, dad said it would be a good joke if a story should get
+      out that he was suspected of being connected with a syndicate that wanted
+      to assassinate some one, so I told a fellow that I got acquainted with
+      that the fussy old man that tried to ride a glazier without any saddle or
+      stirrup was wanted for attempting to blow up the president of the United
+      States by selling him baled hay soaked in a solution of dynamite and
+      nitro-glycerine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0044" id="linkimage-0044">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/188.jpg"
+       alt="Dad and the Anarchists Reveled Till Morning 188 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, they will believe anything in Switzerland. It wasn't two hours before
+      long-haired people were inviting dad to dinners, and the same night he was
+      taken to a den where a lot of anarchists were reveling, and dad reveled
+      till almost morning. When he came back to the hotel he said his hosts got
+      all the money he had with him, through some game he didn't understand, but
+      he under stood it was to go into a fund to support deserving anarchists
+      and dynamiters. He said when they found out he was a suspected assassin
+      nothing was too good for him. He said they wanted to know how he expected
+      to kill a president by soaking baled hay in explosives, and dad said it
+      came to him suddenly to tell them that the president rode on horseback a
+      good deal, and he thought if a horse was filled with baled hay, and
+      nitro-glycerine and the president spurred the horse and the horse jumped
+      in the air and came down kerchunk on an asphalt pavement, the horse would
+      explode, and when the rider came down covered with sausage covers and
+      horse meat, he would be dead, or would want to be. Dad said the anarchists
+      went into executive session and took up a collection to send a man to
+      Berlin to fill the emperor's saddle horse with cut feed like dad
+      suggested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, the anarchist story was too much for Switzerland, and the next
+      morning dad was told by a policeman that he had to get out of the country
+      quick, and it didn't take us 15 minutes to pack up, and here we are in
+      Venice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, old friend, this is the place where you ought to be, because
+      nobody works here, that is, nobody but gondoliers. We have been here
+      several days, and I have not seen a soul doing anything except begging, or
+      selling things that nobody seems to want. If anybody buys anything but
+      onions, it is for curiosity, or for souvenirs, and yet the whole
+      population sits around in the sun and watches the strangers from other
+      lands price things and go away without buying, and then everybody looks
+      mad, as though they would like to jab a knife into the stranger. The
+      plazas and the places near the canal are filled with hucksters and
+      beggars, and you never saw beggars so mutilated and sore and disgusting. I
+      never supposed human beings could be so deformed, without taking an ax to
+      them, and it is so pitiful to see them that you can't help shedding your
+      money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0045" id="linkimage-0045">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/191.jpg"
+       alt="Coughed up over $40 the First Day, Just Giving to Beggars 191 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      As hard hearted as dad is, he coughed up over $40 the first day, just
+      giving to beggars, and he thought he had got them all bought up, and that
+      they would let him alone, but the next day when he showed up there were
+      ten beggars where there was one the day before, and they followed him
+      everywhere, and all the loafers in the plazas laughed and acted as if they
+      would catch the cripples when dad got out of sight and rob the beggars.
+      Dad thinks the way the people live is by dividing with beggars. A man who
+      has a deformity, or a sore that you can see half a block away, seems to be
+      considered rich here, like a man in America who owns stock in great
+      corporations. These beggars pay more taxes than the dukes and things who
+      live in style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose dad never studied geography, so he didn't know how Venice was
+      situated, so he told me to go out and order a hack the first morning we
+      were here, and we would go and see the town. When I told dad there were no
+      hacks, no horses and no roads in Venice, he said I was crazy in my head
+      and wanted me to take some medicine and stay in bed for a few days, but I
+      convinced him, when we got outdoors, that everything run by water, and
+      when I showed him the canal and the gondolas, he remembered all about
+      Venice, and picked out a gondalier that looked like one dad saw at the
+      world's fair, and we hired him because he talked English. All the English
+      the gondolier could use were the words &ldquo;you bet your life,&rdquo; and &ldquo;you're
+      dam right,&rdquo; but dad took him because it seemed so homelike, and we have
+      been riding in gondolas every day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the water you can get away from the beggars. This is an ideal
+      existence. You just get in the gondola, under a canopy, and the gondolier
+      does the work, and you glide along between build ings and wonder who lives
+      there, and when they wake up, as all day long the blinds are closed, and
+      everybody seems to be dead. But at night, when the canals are lighted, and
+      the moon shines, the people put on their dress clothes and sit on
+      verandas, or eat and drink, and talk Eyetalian, and ride in gondolas, and
+      play guitars, and smoke cigarettes, and talk love. It is so warm you can
+      wear your summer pants, and the water smells of clams that died long ago.
+      It is just as though Chicago was flooded by the bursting of the sewers,
+      and people had to go around State street, and all the cross streets, and
+      Michigan avenue, in fishing boats, with three feet of water on top of the
+      pavements. Imagine the people of Chicago taking gondolas and riding along
+      the streets, landing at the stores and hotels, just as they do now from
+      carriages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had been riding in gondolas for two days, getting around in the mud
+      when the tide was out, and going to sleep and waiting for the tide to come
+      in, when it seemed to me that dad needed some excitement, and last night I
+      gave it to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We were out in our gondola, and the moon was shining, and the electric
+      lights made the canal near the Rialto bridge as light as day. The Rialto
+      bridge crosses the Grand canal, and has been the meeting place for lovers
+      for thousands of years. It is a grand structure, of carved marble, but it
+      wouldn't hold up a threshing machine engine half as well as an iron
+      bridge. Well, the canal was filled with thousands of gondolas, loaded with
+      the flower of Venetian society, and the music just made you want to fall
+      in love. Dad said if he didn't fall in love, or something, before morning,
+      he would quit the place. I made up my mind he should fall into something,
+      so I began by telling dad it seemed strange to me that nobody but
+      Eyetalians could run a gondola. Dad said he could run a gondola as well as
+      any foreigner, and I told him he couldn't run a gondola for shucks, and he
+      said he would show me, so he got out of the hen house where we were
+      seated, and went back on to the pointed end of the gondola, and grabbed
+      the pole or paddle from the gondolier, and said: &ldquo;Now, Garibaldi, you go
+      inside the pup tent with Hennery, and let me punt this ark around awhile.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Garibaldi thought dad was crazy, but he gave up the pole, and just then,
+      when they were both on the extreme point of the gondola, and she was
+      wabbling some, I peeked out through the curtains and thought the fruit was
+      about ripe enough to pick, so I threw myself over to one side of the
+      gondola, and, by gosh, if dad and Garibaldi didn't both go overboard with
+      a splash, and one yell in the English language, and one in Eye-talian, and
+      I rushed out of the cabin and such a sight you never saw.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0046" id="linkimage-0046">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/193.jpg"
+       alt="Overboard, One Yell in the English Language, One In Eye-talian 193 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad retained the paddle, and had his head out of water, but nothing showed
+      above the water, where Garibaldi was except a red patch on his black
+      pants. Dad was yelling for help, and finally the gondolier got his head
+      out of the water, and said something that sounded like grinding a butcher
+      knife on a grindstone, and I yelled, too, and the gondolas began to gather
+      around us, and the two men were rescued. The gondolier had been gondoling
+      all his life and he had never been in the water before, and they thought
+      it would strike in and kill him, so they wrapped him up in blankets and
+      put him aboard his canoe, and he looked at me as though I was to blame.
+      They got a boat hook fastened in dad's pants and landed him in the
+      gondola, and he dripped all the way to our hotel, and he smelled like a
+      fish market.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked Garibaldi, on the way to the hotel, if he was counting his beads
+      when he was down under the water with nothing but his pants out of the
+      water, and he said: &ldquo;You're dam right,&rdquo; but I don't think he knew the
+      meaning of the words, because he probably wouldn't swear in the presence
+      of death. Dad just sat and shivered all the way to the hotel, but when we
+      got to our room I asked him what his idea was in jumping overboard right
+      there before folks, with his best clothes on, and he said it was all
+      Garibaldi's fault, that just as dad was getting a good grip on the paddle,
+      the gondolier heaved a long sigh, and the onions in his breath paralyzed
+      dad so he fell overboard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0047" id="linkimage-0047">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/197.jpg"
+       alt="Then You Don't Blame Your Little Boy, Do You 197 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then you don't blame your little boy, do you?&rdquo; says I, and dad looked at
+      me as he was hanging his wet shirt on a chair. &ldquo;Course not; you were
+      asleep in the cabin. But say, if I ever hear that you did tip that
+      gondola, it will go hard with you,&rdquo; but I just looked innocent, and dad
+      went on drying his shirt by a charcoal brazier and never suspected me. But
+      I am getting the worst of it, for dad and his clothes smell so much like a
+      clam bake that it makes me sick.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, old friend, you ought to close up your grocery and come over here
+      and go to Vesuvius and Pompeii with us, where we can dry our clothes by
+      the volcano, and dig in the city that was buried in hot ashes 2,000 years
+      ago. They say you can dig up mummies there that are dead ringers for you,
+      old man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      O, come on, and have fun with us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your friend,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes from Naples&mdash;Dad Sees Vesuvius and Calls
+     the Servants to Put Out the Fire&mdash;They Have Trouble with a
+     &ldquo;Dago&rdquo; in Pompeii.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Naples, Italy.&mdash;Dear Old Partner in Crime: Well, sir, we have struck
+      a place that reminds us of home, and your old grocery store. The day we
+      got here dad and I took a walk into the poorer districts, where they throw
+      all the slops and refuse in the streets, and where nobody ever seems to
+      clean up anything and burn it. The odor was something that you cannot
+      describe without a demonstration, and after we had turned pale and started
+      to go away, dad said the smell reminded him of something at home, and
+      finally he remembered your old grocery in the sauerkraut season, early in
+      the morning, before you had aired out the place. Your ears must have
+      burned when we were talking about you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you want to get an idea of Naples, at its worst, go down into your
+      cellar and round up all the codfish, onions, kraut, limburger cheese,
+      kerosene, rotten potatoes, and everything that is dead, put it all in a
+      bushel basket, and just before the Health officers come to pull your
+      place, get down on your knees and put your head down in the basket, and
+      let some one sit on your head all the forenoon, and you will have just
+      such a half day as dad and I had in the poor quarter of Naples, and it
+      will not cost you half as much as it did us, unless, after you have
+      enjoyed yourself in your cellar with your head in the basket, you decide
+      to have a run of sickness and hire a doctor who will charge you the price
+      of a trip to Europe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, Naples is a dandy, in its clean part. The bay of Naples is a
+      dead ringer for Milwaukee bay, in shape and beauty, but Milwaukee lacks
+      Vesuvius and Pompeii, for suburbs, and she lacks the customary highwaymen
+      to hold you up. Every man, woman and child we have met makes a living out
+      of the tourists, and nobody that I have seen works at any other business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0048" id="linkimage-0048">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/201.jpg" alt="Wanted to Turn in a Fire Alarm 201 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We woke up the first morning and dad looked out the window and saw
+      Vesuvius belching forth flame and lava and stone fences, and wanted to
+      turn in a fire alarm, but I told him that that fire had been raging ever
+      since the Christian era, and was not one of these incendiary barn
+      burnings, but he opened the window and yelled fire, and the porters and
+      chambermaids came running to our room, with buckets of water, and wanted
+      to know where the fire was. Dad pointed out of the window towards Vesuvius
+      and said: &ldquo;Some hired girl has been starting a fire with kerosene, in that
+      shanty on the knoll out there, and the whole ranch will burn if you don't
+      turn out the fire department, you gosh blasted lazy devils. Get a move on
+      and help carry out the furniture.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, they calmed dad, and then I had to go to work and post dad up on the
+      geography he had forgotten, and finally he remembered seeing a picture of
+      a volcano or burning mountain in his geography 50 years ago, but he told
+      me he never believed there was a volcano in the world, but that he always
+      thought they put those pictures in geographies to make them sell. How a
+      man can attain the prominence and position in the business world that dad
+      has, and not know any more than he does, is what beats me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course, you know, having kept a grocery since the war, and having had
+      opportunities to study history, by the pictures on the soap boxes and
+      insurance calendars, that Nero, the Roman tyrant, after Rome was burned,
+      while he fiddled for a dance in a barn, got so accustomed to fire and
+      brimstone that he retired to Naples and touched off Vesuvius, just so he
+      could look at it. But Vesuvius, about 2,000 years ago, got to burning way
+      down in its bowels, and the fire got beyond control, and I suppose now the
+      fire is away down in the center of the earth, and you know when you get
+      down in the earth below the crust, on which we live and raise potatoes,
+      everything is melted, like iron in a foundry, and Vesuvius is the spigot
+      through which the fluid comes to the surface. You see, don't you?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just imagine that this earth is a barrel of beer, which you can understand
+      better than anything else, and it is being shaken up by being hauled
+      around on wagons and cars, and is straining to get out, then a bartender
+      drives a spigot into the bung, turns the thumb piece, and the pent-up beer
+      comes out foaming and squirting, and there you are.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of beer, Vesuvius is loaded with lava, that runs like molasses,
+      and when it is cold it is indigestible as a cold buckwheat cake, and you
+      can make it up into jewelry, that looks like maple sugar and smells like a
+      fire in a garbage crematory. Besides the lava there are stones as big as a
+      house that are thrown up by the sea-sickness of the earth, as it heaves
+      and pants, and then the ashes that come out of the crater at times would
+      make you think that what they need there is to have a chimney sweep go
+      down and brush out the flues.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0049" id="linkimage-0049">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/204.jpg" alt="Threw a Pail of Ashes over the Fence 204 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      To get an idea of what a nuisance the ashes from the crater are to the
+      cities on the plain below, you remember the time you were out in your back
+      yard splitting boxes for kindling wood and my chum and I threw a pail of
+      ashes over the fence, and accidentally it went all over you, about four
+      inches thick. That time you got mad and threw cucumbers at us, when we ran
+      down the alley. Keep that in your mind and you can understand the
+      destruction of Pompeii, when Vesuvius, thousands of years ago, coughed up
+      hot ashes and covered the town 40 feet deep with hot stuff, and killed
+      every living thing, and petrified and preserved the whole business, and
+      made a prairie on top of a town, and everybody eventually forgot that
+      there had ever been a town there, for about 2,000 years. If my chum and I
+      had not run out of ashes we would have buried you so deep in your back
+      yard that you would have been petrified with your hatchet, and when they
+      excavated the premises a thousand years later they would have found your
+      remains and put you in a museum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, a couple of hundred years ago a peasant was sinking a well down in
+      the ashes, and he struck a petrified barroom, with a bartender standing
+      behind the bar in the act of serving some whisky 2,000 years old, and the
+      peasant located a claim there, and the authorities took possession of the
+      prairie and have been digging the town out ever since, looking for more of
+      that 2,000-year-old whisky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I told dad about what they were finding at the ruins of Pompeii, and
+      how you were liable to find gold and diamonds and petrified women, he
+      wanted to go and dig in the ashes, as he said it would be more exciting
+      than raking over the dumping grounds in Chicago for tin cans and lumps of
+      coal, and so we hired a hack and went to the buried town, but dad insisted
+      on carrying an umbrella, so if Vesuvius belched any more ashes he could
+      protect himself. Gee, but from what I have seen at that old ruin, a man
+      would need an umbrella made of corrugated iron to keep from being buried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0050" id="linkimage-0050">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/207.jpg" alt="Dad Insisted on Carrying an Umbrella 207 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, when we got to Pompeii dad was for going right where they were
+      digging, but I got him to look over the streets and houses that had been
+      uncovered first, and he was paralyzed to think that a town could be
+      covered with ashes all these thousands of years, and then be uncovered and
+      find a town that would compare, in many respects, with cities of the
+      present day, with residences complete with sculpture, paintings and cut
+      marble that would skin Chicago to a finish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We went through residences that looked as rich as the Vanderbilt houses in
+      New York, baths that you could take a plunge and a swim in, if they had
+      the water, paintings that would take a premium at any horse show to-day,
+      pavements that would shame the pavements of London and Paris, and
+      petrified women that you couldn't tell from a low-necked party in
+      Washington, except that the ashes had eaten the clothes off. I guess most
+      of the people in Pompeii got away when the ashes began to rain down, for
+      they must have seen that it wasn't going to be a light shower, but a
+      deluge, 'cause they never have found many corpses. They must have run to
+      Naples, and maybe they are running yet, and you may see some of them at
+      your grocery, and if you do see anybody covered with ashes, looking for a
+      job, give them some crackers and cheese and charge it to dad, for they
+      must be hungry by this time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, do you know that some of those refugees from Pompeii went off in such
+      a hurry that they left bread baking in the ovens, and meat cooking in the
+      pots? It seems the most wonderful thing to me of anything I ever saw. We
+      went all through the streets and houses and saw ballrooms that beat
+      anything in San Francisco, and when we went into a building occupied by
+      the officers in charge of the excavations, and dad saw a telephone and an
+      electric light, he thought those things had been dug up, too, and he
+      claimed that the men who were receiving millions of dollars in royalties
+      on telephones and electric lights were frauds who were infringing on
+      Pompeii patents 2,000 years old, and he wouldn't believe me when I told
+      him that telephones and electric lights were not dug up; he said then he
+      wouldn't believe anything was dug up, but that the whole thing was a
+      put-up job to rob tourists. But when we got to a locality where the dagoes
+      were digging the ashes away from a house and were uncovering a parlor,
+      where rich things were being discovered, he saw that it was all right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose I never ought to have played such a thing on dad, but I told him
+      that anybody who saw a thing first when it came out of the ashes could
+      grab it and keep it, and just as I told him a workman threw out a shovel
+      full of ashes, just as you would throw out dirt digging for angle worms,
+      and there was a little silver urn with a lot of coins in it, and you could
+      not hold dad. He grabbed for it, the workman grabbed for it, and they went
+      down together in the ashes, and the man rolled dad over and he was a
+      sight, but the workman got the silver urn, and dad wanted to fight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0051" id="linkimage-0051">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/210.jpg"
+       alt="The Man Rolled Dad over and he Was a Sight 210 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally a man with a uniform on came along and was going to arrest dad,
+      but they finally compromised by the man offering to sell the silver urn
+      and the gold coins to dad for a hundred dollars, if he would promise not
+      to open it up until he got out of Italy, and dad paid the money and
+      wrapped the urn up in a Chicago paper, and we took our hack and went back
+      to Naples on a gallop.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad could hardly wait till we got to the hotel before opening up his
+      prize, but he held out until we got to our room, when he unwrapped the urn
+      to count his ancient gold coins. Well, you'd a-died to see dad's face when
+      he opened that can. It was an old tomato can that had been wrought out
+      with a hammer so it looked like hammered silver, and when he emptied the
+      gold coins out on the table there was a lot of brass tags that looked like
+      dog license tags, and baggage checks and brass buttons. I had to throw
+      water on dad to bring him to, and then he swore he would kill the dago
+      that sold him the treasure from the ruins of Pompeii. It was a great blow
+      to dad, and he has bought a dirk knife to kill the dago. To-morrow we take
+      in Vesuvius, and when we come down from the crater we go to Pompeii and
+      kill the dago in his tracks. Dad may cause Vesuvius to belch again with
+      hot ashes, and cover the ruins of Pompeii, but if he can't turn on the
+      ashes, the knife will do the business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb Vesuvius&mdash;A Chicago Lady Joins
+     the Party and Causes Trouble.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Naples, Italy.&mdash;Siegnor ze Grocerino: I guess that will make you
+      stand without hitching for a little while. Say, I am getting so full of
+      dead languages, and foreign palaver, that I shall have to have an
+      operation on my tongue when I get home before I can speel the United
+      States language again so you can make head or tail of it. You see, I don't
+      stay long enough in a country to acquire its language, but I get a few
+      words into my system, so now my English is so mixed with French words,
+      Italian garlic and German throat trouble that I cannot understand myself
+      unless I look in a glass and watch the motions of my lips. Dad has not
+      picked up a word of any foreign language, and says he should consider
+      himself a traitor to his country if he tried to talk anything but English.
+      He did get so he could order a glass of beer by holding up his finger and
+      saying &ldquo;ein,&rdquo; but he found later that just holding up his finger without
+      saying &ldquo;ein&rdquo; would bring the beer all the same so he cut out the language
+      entirely and works his finger until it needs a rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I used to study my geography at the little red schoolhouse, and look
+      at the picture of the volcano Vesuvius, and read about how it would throw
+      up red-hot lava, and ashes, and rocks as big as a house, and wipe out
+      cities, it looked so terrible to me that I was glad when we got through
+      with the volcano lesson, and got to Greenland's icy mountains, where there
+      was no danger except being frozen to death, or made sick by eating blubber
+      sliced off of whales.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I never expected to be right on the very top of that volcano,
+      throwing stones down in the lava, and sailing chips down the streams of
+      hot stuff, just as I sailed chips on ice water at home-when the streets
+      were flooded by spring rains. Say, there is no more danger on Vesuvius
+      than there is in a toboggan slide, or shooting the chutes at home. I
+      thought we would have to hire dagoes to carry us up to the top, and be
+      robbed and held up, and may be murdered, but it is just as easy as going
+      up in the elevator of a skyscraper, and no more terrifying than sitting on
+      a 50-cent seat in a baseball park at home and witnessing the &ldquo;Destruction
+      of Pompeii&rdquo; by a fireworks display
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The crater looks sort of creepy, like a big cauldron kettle boiling soap
+      on a farm, only it is bigger, and down in the earth's bowels you can well
+      believe there is trouble, and if you believe in a hell, you can get it,
+      illustrated proper, but the rivulets of lava that flow out of the wrinkles
+      around the mouth of the crater are no more appalling than making fudges
+      over a gas stove. When the lava cools you would swear it was fudges, only
+      you can't eat the lava and get indigestion as you can eating fudges.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was hard work to get dad to go up on the volcano, because he said he
+      knew he would fall into it, and get his clothes burned, and he said he
+      couldn't climb clear to the top, on account of his breath being short, but
+      when I told him he could ride up on a trolley car, and have the volcano
+      brought right to him, he weakened, and one morning we left Naples early
+      and before two hours had passed we were on a little cogwheel railroad
+      going up, and dad was looking down on the scenery, expecting every minute
+      the cogs would slip and we would cut loose and go down all in a heap and
+      be plastered all over the vineyards and big trees and be killed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I don't know what makes dad so nervous, but he wanted a woman from
+      Chicago, who was on the car with us, to hold his hand all the way up, but
+      she said she was no nurse in a home for the aged, and she said she would
+      cuff dad if he didn't let go of her. I told her she better not get dad mad
+      if she knew what was good for her, for he was a regular Bluebeard, and
+      wouldn't take no slack from no Chicago female, 'cause he had buried nine
+      wives already. So she held his hand, and I guess she thinks she will be my
+      stepmother, but I bet she don't.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, after we got almost to the top the car stopped, and we had to walk
+      the rest of the way, several hundred feet, and we had to have a pusher and
+      a putter for dad, a dago to go ahead and pull him up, and another to put
+      his shoulder against dad's pants and shove. Gee, but it was a picture to
+      see dad &ldquo;go up old baldhead,&rdquo; with the dagoes perspiring and swearing at
+      dad for being so heavy, and the Chicago woman laughing, and me pushing her
+      up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0052" id="linkimage-0052">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/214.jpg"
+       alt="It Was a Picture to See Dad Go up Old Baldhead 214 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One thing that scared dad was that every little way there was a shrine,
+      where the guides left dad lying on the ground, blocked with a piece of
+      cold lava, so he wouldn't roll down, like you would block a wagon wheel,
+      and they would go to the shrine and kneel and say some prayers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad was afraid they were going to charge the prayers in the bill for
+      pushing him up, but I told dad that these people expected every time they,
+      went up to the top that it would be their last trip, as they knew that
+      some day the volcano would open in a new place and swallow them whole,
+      with all the tourists. Then he gave them a dollar apiece to pray for him,
+      and wanted to go back down the mountain and let Vesuvius run its own
+      fireworks, but the Chicago lady told dad to brace up and she would protect
+      him, and so the guides gave a few more pushes, and we were on top of the
+      volcano, and dad collapsed and had to be brought to with smelling salts
+      and whisky that the woman carried in her pistol pocket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but it was worth all the trouble to get up the mountain, to see the
+      sight that opened up. The hole in the mountain filled with boiling stuff
+      was worth the price of admission, and the roaring of the boiling stuff,
+      and the explosions way down cellar, and the flying stones, the smoke going
+      into the air for a mile, like the burning of an oil well, the red-hot lava
+      finding crevices to leak through, and flowing down the side of the
+      mountain in streams like hot maple sirup, made a scene thai caused us to
+      take off our hats and thank the good Lord that the thing hadn't overflowed
+      enough to hurt us. But I could see dad was scared, 'cause when I wanted
+      him to go around the edge of the crater with me, and see the hell-roaring
+      free show from other points of view, and see where the hot ashes years ago
+      rolled down and covered Pompeii and Herculaneum, he balked and said he had
+      seen all he wanted to, and if he could stay alive until the next car went
+      down the mountain, they could all have his interest in Vesuvius, and be
+      darned to them, but he said if I wanted to go around looking for trouble,
+      he would stay there under a big rock, with the Chicago lady, and wait for
+      me to come back. She said she knew dad was all tired out, and needed rest,
+      and she would stay with him, and keep him cheered up; so I left them and
+      went off with one of the dagoes, to slide down hill on some flowing lava,
+      and pick up specimens.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I wish I could get along some way without telling the rest of
+      this sad story, but if I am going to be a historian I have got to tell the
+      whole blame thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0053" id="linkimage-0053">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/217.jpg" alt="And She Was Stroking his Hair 217 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      When I left dad and the Chicago woman she had produced a lunch from
+      somewhere about her person, and a small bottle, and they were eating and
+      drinking, and dad was laughing more natural than I had seen him laugh
+      since we run over the old woman with the automobile at Nice, and she was
+      smiling on dad just as though she was his sweetheart. (As I went around
+      the crater, a couple of blocks away, I looked back and dad had laid his
+      head in her lap, and she was stroking his hair. )
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I picked up specimens, burned the soles off my shoes wading in the
+      lava, and took in the volcano from all sides, and after an hour I went
+      back to where dad and the woman were lunching, but the woman was gone, and
+      dad acted as though he had been hit by an express train, his eyes were
+      wild, his collar was gone, his pocketbook was on the ground, empty, his
+      coat was gone, his scarf-pin had disappeared and the $11 watch he bought
+      when he was robbed the other time was missing, and dad's tongue was run
+      out, and he was yelling for water. I thought he had been trying to drink
+      some lava.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0054" id="linkimage-0054">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/223.jpg" alt="He Was Yelling for Water 223 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dad, what in the world has happened to you?&rdquo; said I, as I rushed up to
+      him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That woman has happened to me, that is all,&rdquo; said dad, as he took a
+      swallow of water out of a canteen one of the dagoes had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tell me about it, dad,&rdquo; said I, trying to keep from laughing, when I saw
+      that he was not hurt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say, let this be a lesson to you,&rdquo; said dad, &ldquo;and don't you steer another
+      woman to me on this trip. Do you know you hadn't more than got around that
+      big rock when she said she was tired and was going to faint, for the
+      altitude was too high for her, and I tried to soothe her, and she did look
+      pale, and, by gosh, I thought she was going to die on my hands, and I
+      would have to carry her corpse down the mountain. I heard a scuffling on
+      the rocks, and she looked up and saw a man not ten feet away, and she
+      said: 'Me husband!' and then she fainted and grabbed me around the neck,
+      and I couldn't get her loose. She just froze to me like a person drowning,
+      and that husband of hers, who had come up on the last car, hunting for his
+      wife, who had eloped, pulled a long blue gun and told me he would give me
+      five minutes to pray, and then he would kill me and throw my body down in
+      the creater, to sizzle.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0055" id="linkimage-0055">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/220.jpg" alt="Pulled a Long Blue Gun 220 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I told him I could pay up enough ahead in three minutes, and he could
+      take all I had if he would loosen up his wife, and bring her to, and take
+      her away, and let me die all alone, and let the buzards eat me, uncooked.
+      He took the bet, pulled her arms away from my throat, took my money and
+      coat, brought her to, and said he was going to throw her into the crater,
+      but I told him she had certainly been good to me, and if he would spare
+      her life, and take her away in the cars, he could have my watch and
+      scarfpin, and he took them, and they went to the cars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She looked back at me with the saddest face I ever saw, and said: 'O,
+      sir, it is all a terrible dream, and I will see you in Naples, and explain
+      all,' and now, by Christmas, I want to go back to town and find her, and
+      rescue her from that jealous husband,&rdquo; and dad got up and we started for
+      the car.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man and his wife went down on the car ahead of us, and dad wouldn't
+      believe they were regular bunko people, who play that game everyday on
+      some old sucker, but the man that runs the car told me so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can be responsible for dad in everything except the women he meets. When
+      it comes to women, your little Hennery don't know the game at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Makes Friends with Some Italian Children&mdash;Dad Is
+     Chased by Lions from the Coliseum&mdash;&ldquo;Not Any More Rome for
+     Papa,&rdquo; Says Dad.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Rome, Italy.&mdash;My Dear Old &ldquo;Pard:&rdquo; Well, sir, if you could see me now,
+      you wouldn't know me, because foreign travel has broadened me out so I can
+      talk on any subject, and people of my age look upon me as an authority,
+      and they surround me everywhere I go and urge me to talk. The fact that
+      the boys and girls do not understand a word I say makes no difference.
+      They do not wear many clothes here, and there is no style about them, and
+      when they see me with a whole suit of clothes on, and a hat and shoes and
+      socks, and a scarf-pin on my necktie, they think I must be an Americano
+      that is too rich for any use, or something that ranks with a prince at
+      least, and the boys delight to be with me and do errands for me, and the
+      girls seem to be in love with me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is no way you can tell if a girl is in love with you, except that
+      she looks at you with eyes that are as black as coal, and they seem to
+      burn a hole right into your insides, and when they take hold of your hand
+      they hang on and squeeze like alamand-left in a dance at home, and they
+      snug up to you and are as warm and cheerful as a gas stove.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0056" id="linkimage-0056">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/227.jpg" alt="It Brought on a Revolution 227 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, I sat on a bench in a plaza with a girl about my age, for an hour,
+      while the other girls and boys sat on the ground and looked at us in
+      admiration, and when I put my arm around her and kissed her on her pouting
+      lips, it brought on a revolution. An Italian soldier policeman took me by
+      the neck and threw me across the street, the girl scratched me with her
+      finger nails and bit me, and yelled some grand hailing sign of distress,
+      her brother and a ragged boy that was in love with the girl and was
+      jealous, drew daggers, and the whole crowd yelled murder, and I started
+      for our hotel on a run, and the whole population of Rome seemed to follow
+      me, and I might as well have been a negro accused of crime in the states.
+      I thought they would burn me at the stake, but dad came out of the hotel
+      and threw a handful of small change into the crowd, and it was all off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After they picked up the coin they beckoned me to come out and play some
+      more, but not any more for little Hennery. I have been in love in all
+      countries where we have traveled, and in all languages, but this Italian
+      love takes the whole bakery, and I do not go around any more without a
+      chaperone. The girls are ragged and wear shawls over their heads, and
+      there are holes in their dresses and their skin isn't white, like American
+      girls', but is what they call olive complexion, like stuffed olives you
+      buy in bottles, stuffed with cayenne pepper, but the girls are just like
+      the cayenne pepper, so warm that you want to throw water on yourself after
+      they have touched you. Gee, but I wouldn't want to live in a climate where
+      girls were a torrid zone, 'cause I should melt, like an icicle that drops
+      in a stove, and makes steam and blows up the whole house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, old man, you talk about churches, but you don't know anything about
+      it. Dad and I went to St. Peter's in Rome, and it is the grandest thing in
+      the world. Say, the Congregational church at home, which we thought so
+      grand, could be put in one little corner of St. Peter's, and would look
+      like 30 cents. St. Peter's covers ground about half a mile square, and
+      when you go inside and look at grown people on the other side of it, they
+      look like flies, and the organ is as big as a block of buildings in
+      Chicago, and when they blow it you think the last day has come, and yet
+      the music-is as sweet as a melodeon, and makes you want to get down on
+      your knees with all the thousands of good Christians of Italy, and confess
+      that you are a fraud that ought to be arrested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I have been to all kinds of churches, everywhere, and never turned
+      a hair, but since we got to this town and got some of the prevailing
+      religion into our systems, we feel guilty, and it seems as though
+      everybody could see right into us, and that they knew we were heathen that
+      never knew there was a God. Sure thing, I never supposed there were so
+      many people in the world that worshiped their Maker, as there are here,
+      and I don't wonder that all over the world good people look to Rome for
+      the light. Dad keeps telling me that when we get home we will set an
+      example that will make people pay attention, but he says he does not want
+      to join the church until he has seen all the sights, and then he will
+      swear off for good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said to me yesterday: &ldquo;Now, Hennery, I have been to all the pious
+      places with you, the pope's residence, the catacombs and St. Peter's,
+      where they preach from 40 different places and make you feel like giving
+      up your sins, and I have looked at carvings and decorations and marble and
+      jewels and seen the folly of my ways of life, and I am ripe for a change,
+      but before I give up the world and all of its wickedness, I want blood. I
+      want to go to the other extreme, and see the wild beasts at the Coliseum
+      tear human beings limb from limb, and drink their blood, and see
+      gladiators gladiate, and chop down their antagonists, and put one foot on
+      their prostrate necks, like they do in the theaters, and then I am ready
+      to leave this town and be good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I have been in lots of tight places before, but this one beat
+      the band. Here was my dad, who did not know that the Roman, gladiator
+      business had been off the boards for over 2,000 years, that the eating of
+      human prisoners by wild beasts in the presence of the Roman populace was
+      played out, and that the Coliseum was a ruin and did not exist as a place
+      of amusement. He thought everything that he had read about the horrors of
+      a Roman holiday was running to-day, as a side show, and he wanted to see
+      it, and I had encouraged him in his ideas, because he was nervous, and I
+      didn't want to undeceive him. He had come to Rome to see things he
+      couldn't find at home, and it was up to me to deliver the goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but it made me sweat, 'cause I knew if dad did not get a show for his
+      money he would lay it up against me, so I told him we would go to the
+      Coliseum that night and see the hungry lions and tigers eat some of the
+      leading citizens, just as they did when Caesar run the show. Then I found
+      an American from Chicago at the hotel, who sells soap in Rome, and told
+      him what dad expected of me in the way of amusement, and he said the only
+      way was to take dad out to the Coliseum, and in the dark roll a barrel of
+      broken glass down the tiers of seats and make him believe there was an
+      earthquake that had destroyed the Coliseum, and that the lions and tigers
+      were all loose, looking for people to eat, and scare dad and make a run
+      back to town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0057" id="linkimage-0057">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/230.jpg"
+       alt="What Dad Expected of Me in the Way Of Amusement 230 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I didn't want to play such a scandalous trick on dad, but the Chicago man
+      said that was the only way out of it, and he could get a barrel of broken
+      glass for a dollar, and hire four ruffians that could roar like lions for
+      a few dollars, and it would give dad good exercise, and may be save him
+      from a run of Roman fever, 'cause there was nothing like a good sweat to
+      knock the fever out of a fellow's system. The thing struck me as not only
+      a good experience for dad, but a life saver, so I whacked up the money,
+      and the Chicago soap man did the rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After dark we went out to the ruin of the Coliseum, where a great many
+      tourists go to look at the ruins by moonlight, and dad was as anxious and
+      bloodthirsty as a young surgeon cutting up his first &ldquo;stiff.&rdquo; When we got
+      to the right place, and I told dad we were a little early, because the
+      nobility were not in their seats, the villains began to roar three
+      dollars' worth like hungry lions, and dad turned a little pale and said
+      that sounded like the real thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told him we better not get too near, because we were not accustomed to
+      seeing live men chewed up by beasts, and dad said he didn't care how near
+      we got, as long as they chewed and tore to pieces the natives; so we
+      started to work up a little nearer, when there was a noise such as I never
+      heard before, as the hogshead of broken glass began to roll down the tiers
+      of stone seats, and I fell over on the ground, and pushed dad, and he went
+      over in the sand and struck his pants on a cactus, and yelled that he was
+      stabbed with a dirk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0058" id="linkimage-0058">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/233.jpg"
+       alt="Went over in the Sand and Struck his Pants on a Cactus 233 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I got up and fell down again, and just then the Chicago soap man came up
+      on a gallop, followed by the villains playing lion and tiger, and dad
+      asked the Chicago man what seemed to be the matter, and he said: &ldquo;Matter
+      enough; there has been an earthquake, and the Coliseum has fallen down,
+      killing more than 10,-000 Romans, and the animals' cages are busted and
+      the animals are loose, looking for fresh meat, and we better get right
+      back to Rome, too quick, or we will be eaten alive. Come on if you are
+      with me. Do you hear the lions after us?&rdquo; said he, as the hired villains
+      roared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0059" id="linkimage-0059">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/235.jpg" alt="He Took the Lead for Good Old Rome 235 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, you'd a died to see dad get up out of that prickly cactus and take
+      the lead for good old Rome. I didn't know he was such a sprinter, but we
+      trailed along behind, roaring like lions and snarling like tigers and
+      yip-yapping like hyenas and barking like timber wolves, and we couldn't
+      see dad for the dust, on that moonlight night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We slowed up and let dad run ahead, and he got to the hotel first, and we
+      paid off the villains, and finally we went in the hotel and found dad in
+      the bar-room puffing and drinking a high-ball. &ldquo;Pretty near hell, wasn't
+      it,&rdquo; said dad, to the soap man. &ldquo;Did the lions catch anybody?&rdquo; &ldquo;O, a few
+      of the lower classes,&rdquo; said the soap man, &ldquo;but none of the nobility. The
+      nobility were in the boxes and that part of the Coliseum never falls
+      during an earthquake,&rdquo; and the soap man joined dad in a high-ball.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After dad got through puffing and had wiped about two quarts of
+      perspiration off his head and neck, and the soap man had told him what a
+      great thing it was to perspire in Rome, on account of the Roman fever,
+      that catches a man at night and kills him before morning, dad turned to me
+      and said: &ldquo;Hennery, you go pack up and we get out of this in the morning,
+      for I feel as though I had been chewed by one of those hyenas. Not any
+      more Rome for papa,&rdquo; and the high-ball party broke up, and we went to bed
+      to get sleep enough to leave town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do you know, the next morning those hired villains made the soap man and I
+      pay ten dollars extra on account of straining their lungs roaring like
+      lions? But we paid for their lungs all right, rather than have them
+      present a bill to dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, good-by, old man. We are getting all the fun there is going.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your only,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Visit the Pope&mdash;They Bow to the King
+     of Italy and His Nine Spots&mdash;Dad Finds That &ldquo;The Catacombs&rdquo;
+      Is Not a Comic Opera.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Rome, Italy.&mdash;Dear Old Friend: You remember, don't you when you were
+      a boy, playing &ldquo;tag, you're it,&rdquo; and &ldquo;button, button, who's got the
+      button?&rdquo; that one of the trying situations was to be judged to &ldquo;go to
+      Rome,&rdquo; which meant that you were to kiss every girl in the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0060" id="linkimage-0060">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/238.jpg" alt="Had to Kiss Anybody They Brought To Me 238 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I never got enough &ldquo;going to Rome&rdquo; when I attended church sociables and
+      parties, but always got blindfolded, and had to kiss anybody they brought
+      to me, which was usually a boy or a colored cook, so I teased dad to take
+      me to Rome, and when he got over his being rattled and robbed and burned
+      by lava at Vesuvius, he said he didn't care where he went, and, besides, I
+      told him about the Roman Coliseum, where they turned hungry tigers and
+      lions and hyenas loose among the gladiators, and the people could see the
+      beasts eat them alive, and dad said that was something like it, as the way
+      he had been robbed and misued in Italy, he would enjoy seeing a good share
+      of the population chewed by lions, if the lions could stand it. I didn't
+      tell dad that the wild animal show had not been running for a couple of
+      thousand years, 'cause I thought he would find it out when we got here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, old man, I guess I can help you to locate Rome. You remember the time
+      I spoke a piece at the school exhibition, when I put my hand inside my
+      flannel shirt, like an orator, and said: &ldquo;And this is Rome, that sat on
+      her seven hills, and from her throne of beauty ruled the whole world.&rdquo;
+       Well, this is it, where I am now, but the seven hills have been graded
+      down, and Rome don't rule the whole world a little bit; but she has got
+      religion awful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The pope lives here, and he is the boss of more religious people than
+      anybody, and though you may belong to any other kind of church, and when
+      you are home you don't care a continental for any religion except your
+      own, or your wife's religion, and you act like an infidel, and scoff at
+      good people, when you get to Rome and see the churches thicker than
+      saloons in Milwaukee, and everybody attending church and looking pious,
+      you catch the fever, and try to forget bad things you have done, and if
+      you get a chance to see the pope, you may go to his palace just 'cause you
+      want to see everything that is going on, and you think you don't care
+      whether school keeps or not, and you feel independent, as though this
+      religion was something for weak people to indulge in, and finally you come
+      face to face with the pope, and see his beautiful face, and his grand
+      eyes, and his every movement is full of pious meaning, you &ldquo;penuk&rdquo; right
+      there, and want to kneel down and let him bless you, by gosh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, I never saw dad weaken like he did when the pope came in. We got
+      tickets to go to his reception, but dad said he had rather go to the
+      catacombs, or the lion show at the Coliseum. He said he didn't want to
+      encourage popes, because he didn't believe they amounted to any more than
+      presiding elders at home. He said he had always been a Baptist, and they
+      didn't have any popes in his church, and he didn't believe in 'em, but
+      some other Americans were going to see the pope, and dad consented to go,
+      under protest, it being understood that he didn't care two whoops, anyway.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, we went, and it was the grandest thing you ever saw. There were
+      guards by the thousand, beautiful gardens that would make Central Park
+      look like a hay marsh, hundreds of people in church vestments, and an air
+      of sanctity that we never dreamed; jewels that are never seen outside the
+      pope's residence, and we lined up to see the holy father pass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but dad trembled like a dog tied out in the snow, and the
+      perspiration stood out on his face, and he looked sorry for himself. Then
+      came the procession, all nobles and great people, and then there was a
+      party of pious men carrying the most beautiful man we ever saw on a
+      platform above us, and it was the pope, and he smiled at me, and the tears
+      came to my eyes, and I couldn't swallow something which I s'pose was my
+      sins, and then he looked at dad, and held up one hand, and dad was pale,
+      and there was no funny business about dad any more, and then they set the
+      platform down and the pope sat in a chair, and those who wanted to went up
+      to him, and he blessed them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0061" id="linkimage-0061">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/241.jpg" alt="For Awhile Dad Dassent Go up 241 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Say, for awhile dad dassent go up, 'cause he thought the pope could see
+      right through him, and would know he was a Baptist, but the rest of the
+      Americans were going up, and dad didn't want to be eccentric, so he and I
+      went up. The pope put out his hand to dad, and instead of shaking it, as
+      he would the hand of any other man on earth, and asking how his folks
+      were, dad bent over and kissed the pope's hand, and the pope blessed him.
+      Dad looked like a new man, a good man, and when the pope put his hand on
+      my head, and blessed me, my heart came up in my throat, 'cause I thought
+      he must know of all the mean things I had ever done, but I can feel his
+      soft, beautiful hand on my head now, and from this out I would fight any
+      boy twice my size that ever said a word against the pope and his religion.
+      When we got outside dad says to me: &ldquo;Hennery, don't you ever let me hear
+      of your doing a thing that would make the good man sorry if he was to hear
+      about it.&rdquo; And we went to our hotel and stayed all the afternoon, and all
+      night, and just thought of that pope's angelic face, and when one of the
+      Americans came to our room and wanted dad to play cinch, he was indignant,
+      and said: &ldquo;I would as soon think of robbing a child's bank,&rdquo; and we went
+      to bed, and if dad wasn't a converted man I never saw one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, trouble, and sorrow, and religion, don't last very long on dad.
+      The next morning we talked things over, and I quoted all the Roman stuff I
+      could think of to dad, such as &ldquo;In that elder day, to be a Roman was
+      greater than a king,&rdquo; but before I could think twice there was a commotion
+      in the streets and a porter came and made us take off our hats, because
+      the king was riding by, and we looked at the king, and dad was hot. He
+      said that fellow was nothing but a railroad hand, disguised in a uniform,
+      and, by ginger, if we had seen that king out west working on a railroad,
+      with canvas clothes on, he would not have looked like a king, on a bet.
+      There was nothing but his good clothes that stood between the king and a
+      dago digging sewers in Chicago.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the king and his ninespots had passed, dad said: &ldquo;When you are in
+      Rome, you must do as the Romans do,&rdquo; and he said he wanted to get that
+      heavy feeling off his shoulders, which he got at the religious procession,
+      and wanted me to suggest something devilish that we could do, and I told
+      him we better go and see the &ldquo;Catacombs.&rdquo; He wanted to know if it was
+      anything like &ldquo;a trip to Chinatown,&rdquo; or the &ldquo;Black Crook,&rdquo; and I told him
+      it was worse. Then he asked me if there was much low neck and long
+      stockings in the &ldquo;Catacombs,&rdquo; and I told him there was a plenty, and he
+      said he was just ripe to see that kind of a show, and so we took a
+      carriage for the &ldquo;Catacombs,&rdquo; and dad could hardly keep still till we got
+      there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose I ought to be killed for fooling dad, but he craved for
+      excitement, and he got it. The &ldquo;Catacombs&rdquo; are where Roman citizens have
+      been buried for thousands of years, in graves hewn out of solid rock, and
+      they are petrified, and after they have laid in the graves for a few
+      hundred years, the mummified bodies are taken out and stood up in corners,
+      if the bodies will hang together, and if not the bones are piled up around
+      for scenery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had to take torches to go in, and we wandered through corridors, gazing
+      at the remains, until dad asked one of the men with us what it all meant,
+      and the man said it was the greatest show on earth. Dad began to think he
+      was nutty, and when I laughed, and said: &ldquo;That is great,&rdquo; and clapped my
+      hands, and said: &ldquo;Encore,&rdquo; dad stopped and said: &ldquo;Hennery, this is no leg
+      show, this is a morgue,&rdquo; but to cheer him up I told him his head must be
+      wrong, and I pointed to about a hundred dried corpses, a thousand years
+      old, in a corner, with grinning skulls all around, and told him that was
+      the ballet, and told him to look at the leading dancer, and asked him if
+      she wasn't a beaut, from Butte, Mont., and that killed dad. He leaned
+      against me, and said his eyes must have gone back on him, because
+      everything looked dead to him. I told him he would get over it after
+      awhile, and to stay where he was while I went and spoke to one of the
+      ballet that was beckoning to me, and I left him there, dazed, and went
+      around a corner and hid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People were coming along with torches all the time, looking at the
+      catacombs and reading the inscriptions cut in the rock, and after awhile I
+      went back to where I left dad, and he was gone, but after awhile I found
+      him standing up with the stiffs. He was glad to see me, and wanted to know
+      if I thought he was' dead. I told him I was sure he was alive, though he
+      had a deathly look on his face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0062" id="linkimage-0062">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/246.jpg"
+       alt="He Would Break Me up Into Bones, and Throw Me Into a Pile 246 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, sir,&rdquo; says dad, &ldquo;I thought it was all over with me, after you left,
+      for a man came along and moved me around, and took hold under my arms and
+      jumped me along here by these stiffs, and told me if I didn't stay where I
+      belonged he would break me up into bones, and throw me into a pile, and I
+      thought I would have to do as the Romans do and stay here, and before the
+      man left me he reached into my pocket and took my money, and said I
+      couldn't spend any money in there where I was going to stay for a million
+      years, and, by gosh, I was so petrified I couldn't stop him from robbing
+      me. Say, Hennery, they will rob you anywhere, even in the grave, and if
+      this Catacomb show is over, and the curtain has gone down, I want to get
+      out of here, and go to the Coliseum or the Roman amphitheater, where the
+      wild beasts eat people alive.&rdquo; And so we left the Catacombs and went back
+      to town, and dad began to show life again. Say, you tell the folks at home
+      that dad is gaining every day, and his vacation is doing him good. He has
+      promised to kill me for taking him to the Catacomb show, but dad never
+      harbors revenge for long, and I guess your little nephew will pull
+      through. I wish I had my skates, cause dad wants to go to Russia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble
+     They Had to Get There&mdash;Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with
+     the People and Soldiers.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      St. Petersburg, Russia.&mdash;My Dear Groceryow-ski: Well, sir, I 'spose
+      you will be surprised to hear from me in Russia, but there was no use
+      talking when Dad said he was going to St. Petersburg if it was the last
+      act of his life. He got talking with a Japaneser in Rome and the Jap said
+      the war in the far east would last until every Russian was killed, unless
+      America interfered to put a stop to it, and as Roosevelt didn't appear to
+      have sand enough to offer his services to the czar, what it needed was for
+      some representative American citizen who was brave and had nerve to go to
+      St. Petersburg and see the czarovitch and give him the benefit of a good
+      American talk. The Jap said the American who brought about peace, by a few
+      well chosen remarks, would be the greatest man of the century, and would
+      live to be bowed down to by kings and emperors and all the world would
+      doff hats to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first dad was a little leary about going on such a mission without
+      credentials from Washington, but as luck would have it, he met an exiled
+      Russian at a restaurant, who told dad that he reminded him of Gen. Grant,
+      because dad had a wart on the side of his nose, and he told dad that
+      Russia would keep on fighting until every Japanese was killed unless some
+      distinguished American should be raised up who deemed it his duty to go to
+      St. Petersburg and see the Little Father, and in the interest of humanity
+      advise the czar to call a halt before he had exterminated the whole yellow
+      race. Dad asked the Russian if he thought the czar would grant an audience
+      to an American of eminence in his own country, and the Russian told dad
+      that Nicholas just doted on Americans, and that there was hardly ever an
+      American ballet dancer that went to Russia but what the czar sent for her
+      to come and see him and dance before the grand dukes, and he always gave
+      them jewels and cans of caviar as souvenirs of their visit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0063" id="linkimage-0063">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/250.jpg"
+       alt="The Russian Told Dad That Nicholas Just Doted On Americans 250 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad thought it over all night, and the next morning we started for Russia
+      and I wish we had joined an expedition to discover the North Pole instead
+      of coming here. Say, it is harder to get into Russia than it would be to
+      get out of a penitentiary at home. At the frontier we were met by guards
+      on horseback and on foot, policemen, detectives and other grafters, who
+      took our passports and money, and one fellow made me exchange my socks
+      with him. Then they imprisoned us in a stable with some cows until they
+      could hold a coroner's inquest on our passports and divide our money. We
+      slept with the cows the first night in Russia, and I do not want to sleep
+      again with animals that chew cuds all night, and get up half a dozen times
+      to hump up their backs and stretch and bellow. We never slept a wink, and
+      could look out through the cracks in the stable and see the guards shaking
+      dice for our money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0064" id="linkimage-0064">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/253.jpg"
+       alt="See the Guards Shaking Dice for Our Money 253 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally they looked at the great seal on our passports and saw it was an
+      American document, and they began to turn pale, as pale as a Russian can
+      get without using soap, and when I said, &ldquo;Washington, embassador, minister
+      plenipotentiary, Roosevelt, Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight, E Pluribus
+      Unum, whoopla, San Juan Hill,&rdquo; and pointed to dad, who was just coming out
+      of the stable, looking like Washington at Valley Forge, the guards and
+      other robbers bowed to dad, gave him a bag full of Russian money in place
+      of that which they had taken away, and let us take a freight train for St.
+      Petersburg, and they must have told the train men who we were, because
+      everybody on the cars took off their hats to us, and divided their lunch
+      with us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad could not understand the change in the attitude of the people towards
+      us until I told him that they took him for a distinguished American
+      statesman, and that as long as we were in Russia he must try to look like
+      George Washington and act like Theodore Roosevelt, so every little while
+      dad would stand up in the aisle of the car and pose like George Washington
+      and when anybody gave him a sandwich or a cigarette he would show his
+      teeth and say, &ldquo;Deelighted,&rdquo; and all the way to St. Petersburg dad carried
+      out his part of the programme and we were not robbed once on the trip, but
+      dad tried to smoke one of the cigarettes that was given him by a Cossack,
+      and he died in my arms, pretty near.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They make cigarettes out of baled hay that has been used for beddings and
+      covered with paper that has been used to poison flies. I never smelled
+      anything so bad since they fumigated our house by the board of health
+      after the hired girl had smallpox.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we got to St. Petersburg in an awful time, and went to a hotel,
+      suspected by the police, and marked as undesirable guests by the Cossacks,
+      and winked at by the walking delegates and strikers, who thought we were
+      non-union men looking for their jobs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next day the religious ceremony of &ldquo;blessing the Neva&rdquo; took place,
+      where all the population gets out on the bank of the river, with overshoes
+      on, and fur coats, and looks down on the river, covered with ice four feet
+      thick, and the river is blessed. In our country the people would damn a
+      river that had ice four feet thick, but in Russia they bless anything that
+      will stand it. We got a good place on the bank of the river, with about a
+      million people who had sheepskin coats on, and who steamed like a sheep
+      ranch, and were enjoying the performance, looking occasionally at the
+      Winter palace, where the czar was peeking out of a window, wondering from
+      which direction a bomb would come to blow him up, when a battery of
+      artillery across the river started to fire a salute, and then the devil
+      was to pay. It seems that the gentlemen who handled the guns, and who were
+      supposed to fire blank cartridges into the air, put in loaded cartridges,
+      filled with grape shot, and took aim at the Winter palace, and cut loose
+      at Mr. Czar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, you would have been paralyzed to see the change that came over that
+      crowd, blessing the river one minute and damning the czar and the grand
+      dukes the next. The shot went into the Winter palace and tore the
+      furniture and ripped up the ceiling of the room the czar was in, and in a
+      moment all was chaos, as though every Russian knew the czar was to be
+      assassinated at that particular moment, and all rushed toward the Winter
+      palace as though they expected pieces of the Little Father would be thrown
+      out the window for them to play football with. For a people who are
+      supposed to be lawful and law-abiding, and who love their rulers, it
+      seemed strange to see them all so tickled when they thought he was blown
+      higher than a kite by his own soldiers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I started with the crowd for the Winter palace, and then we had a
+      taste of monarchial government. The crowd was rushing over us and dad got
+      mad and pulled off his coat and said he could whip any confounded
+      foreigner that rubbed against him with a sheepskin coat on, and he was
+      just on the point of smiting a fellow with whiskers that looked like
+      scrambled bristles off a black hog when a regiment of Cossacks came down
+      on the crowd, riding horses like a wild west show, and with whips in their
+      hands, with a dozen lashes to each whip, and they began to lash the crowd
+      and ride over them, while the people covered their faces with their arms,
+      and run away, afraid of the whips, which cut and wound and kill, as each
+      lash has little lead bullets fastened to them and a stroke of the whip is
+      like being shot with buck shot or kicked with a frozen boot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0065" id="linkimage-0065">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/258.jpg"
+       alt="A Cossack Rode Right up to Him and Lashed Him over The Back 258 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, dad was going to show the Cossacks that he was pretty near an
+      American citizen and didn't propose to be whipped like a school boy by a
+      teacher that looked like a valentine, so he tried to look like George
+      Washington defying the British, but it didn't work, for a Cossack rode
+      right up to him and lashed him over the back (and about 15 buck shot in
+      his whip took dad right where the pants are tight when you bend over to
+      pick up something) and the Cossack laughed when dad straightened up and
+      started to run. I never saw such a change in a man as there was in dad. He
+      started for our hotel, and as good a sprinter as I am I couldn't keep up
+      with him, but I kept him in sight. Before we got to the hotel a sledge
+      came along, not an &ldquo;old sledge,&rdquo; such as you play with cards,
+      high-low-Jack-game, but a sort of a sleigh, with three horses abreast, and
+      I yelled to dad to take a hitch on the sledge, and he grabbed on with his
+      feet on the runners, and a man in the sledge with a uniform on, who seemed
+      to be a grand duke, 'cause everybody was chasing him and yelling to head
+      him off, hit dad in the nose with the butt of a revolver, and dad fell off
+      in the snow and the crowd that was chasing the grand duke picked dad up
+      and carried him on their shoulders because they thought he had tried to
+      assassinate the duke, and we were escorted to our hotel by the strikers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0066" id="linkimage-0066">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/255.jpg"
+       alt="Hit Dad in the Nose With The Butt of a Revolver 255 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We didn't know what they were, but you can tell the laboring men here
+      because they wear blouses and look hungry, and when they left us the
+      landlord notified the police that suspicious characters were at the hotel,
+      and came there escorted by the mob, and the police surrounded the house
+      and dad went to our room and used witch hazel on himself where the Cossack
+      hit him with the loaded whip. He says Russia will pay pretty dear for that
+      stroke of the whip by the Cossack, and I think dad is going to join the
+      revolution that is going to be pulled off next Sunday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They are going to get about a million men to take a petition to the czar,
+      workingmen and anarchists, and dad says he is going as an American
+      anarchist who is smarting from injustice, and I guess no native is
+      smarting more than dad is, 'cause he has to stand up to eat and lie on his
+      stummick to sleep. There is going to be a hades of a time here in St.
+      Petersburg this next week, and dad and I are going to be in it clear up to
+      our necks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad has given up trying to see the czar about stopping the war and says
+      the czar and the whole bunch can go plum (to the devil) and he will die
+      with the mob and follow a priest who is stirring the people to revolt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, I hope dad will not get killed here and be buried in a trench with a
+      thousand Russians, smelling as they do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I met a young man from Chicago, who is here selling reapers for the
+      harvester trust, and he says if you are once suspected of having sympathy
+      with the working people who are on a strike you might just as well say
+      your prayers and take rough on rats, 'cause the Cossacks will get you, and
+      he would advise me and dad to get out of here pretty quick, but when I
+      told dad about it he put one hand on his heart and the other on his pants
+      and said &ldquo;Arnica, arnica, arnica!&rdquo; and the police that were on guard near
+      his room thought he meant anarchy, and they sent four detectives to stay
+      in dad's room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The people here, the Chicago young man told me, think the Cossacks are
+      human hyenas, that they have had their hearts removed by a surgical
+      operation when young, and a piece of gizzard put in in place of the heart,
+      and that they are natural murderers, the sight of blood acting on them the
+      same as champagne on a human being, and that but for the Cossacks Russia
+      would have a population of loving subjects that would make it safe for the
+      Little Father to go anywhere in Russia unattended, but with Cossacks ready
+      to whip and murder and laugh at suffering, the people are becoming like
+      men bitten by rabid dogs, and they froth at the mouth and have spasms and
+      carry bombs up their sleeves, ready to blow up the members of the royal
+      family, and there you are.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you do not hear from me after next Sunday you can put dad's obituary
+      and mine in the local papers and say we died of an overdose of Cossack. If
+      we get through this revolution alive you will hear from me, but this is
+      the last revolution I am going to attend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints&mdash;The Bad Boy
+     Arranges a Wolf Hunt&mdash;Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the
+     Wolves.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      St. Petersburg, Russia.&mdash;My Dear Grocery-witz: Well, sir, dad and I
+      have got too much of Russia the quickest of any two tourists you ever
+      heard of. That skirmish we saw, the day the Russians blessed the Neva, and
+      shot blank cartridges filled with old iron at the czar, was not a marker
+      to the trouble the next Sunday, when the working people marched to the
+      Winter Palace, to present a petition to the &ldquo;Little Father.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      We thought a revolution was like a play, and that it would be worth going
+      miles to see. Dad was in South America once when there was a revolution,
+      where more than a dozen greasers, with guns that wouldn't shoot, put on a
+      dozen different kinds of uniforms, and yelled: &ldquo;Down with the government,&rdquo;
+       and frothed at the mouth, and drank buttermilk and yelled Spanish swear
+      words, and acted brave, until a native soldier with white pajamas came out
+      with a gun and shot one of the revolutionists in the thumb, when the
+      revolution was suppressed and the next day the revolutionists were
+      pounding stone, with cannon balls chained to their legs; and dad thought a
+      revolution in Russia would be something like that, and that we could get
+      on a front porch and watch it as it went by, and joke with the revolution,
+      and throw confetti, like it was a carnival, but that Sunday that the
+      Russian revolution was begun, we had enough blood to last us all our
+      lives.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We got a place sitting on an iron picket fence, and we saw the people
+      coming up the street towards the Winter Palace, dressed mostly in blouses,
+      and looking as innocent as a crowd of sewer diggers at home going up to
+      the city hall to ask for a raise in wages of two shillings a day. Nobody
+      had a gun, and no one would have known how to use a gun, and all looked
+      like poor people going to prayers. There were troops everywhere, and every
+      soldier acted as though he was afraid something would happen to spoil
+      their chance of killing anybody. The snow on the streets was clean and as
+      white as the wings of a peace dove, and dad said the show was no better
+      than a parade of laboring men at home on Labor day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suddenly some officer yelled to the parade to stop, and the priest at the
+      head of the procession, who was carrying a cross, slowed up a little, like
+      the drum major of a band when the populace at home begins to throw eggs,
+      but they kept on, and then the shooting began, and in a minute men, women
+      and children were rolling in the snow, bleeding and dying, the marchers
+      were too stunned to run, and the deadly guns kept on spitting fire, and
+      the street was full of dead and dying, and then the Cossacks rode over the
+      dead and sabered and knouted the living, and as the snow was patched with
+      red blood, dad fainted away and fell off the picket fence, and hung by one
+      pant leg, which caught on a picket, and crowds rushed in every direction,
+      and it was an hour before I could get a drosky to haul dad to the hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0067" id="linkimage-0067">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/265.jpg" alt="Hung by One Pant Leg 265 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad collapsed when he got to the hotel, and I got a doctor and a nurse,
+      and for two days I had to watch the revolution alone, while dad had fits
+      of remorse 'cause he brought me to such a charnel house, he said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, if you ever go anywhere, traveling for pleasure, do not go to
+      Russia, because it is the saddest place on earth. I have seen no person
+      smile or laugh in all the ten days we have been here, except a Cossack
+      when he run a saber through a little girl, and his laugh was like the
+      coyote on the prairie when he captures a little lamb. The people look
+      either heart-broken or snarly, like the people confined in an insane
+      asylum at home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The czar, who a week ago was loved by the people, who believed if they
+      went to him, as to their God, and appealed for guidance, is to-day hated
+      by all, and instead of &ldquo;Nicholas the Good,&rdquo; since he scampered away to a
+      castle in the country, and crawled under a bed, all the people call him
+      &ldquo;the Little Jack Rabbit,&rdquo; and his fate is sealed, as a bomb will blow him
+      into pieces so small they will have to be swept up in a dustpan for
+      burial, maybe before dad and I can get out of Russia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Going to St. Petersburg for a pleasant outing is a good deal like visiting
+      the Chicago stockyards to watch the bloody men kill the cattle, and the
+      butchers in the stockyards, calloused against any feeling for suffering
+      animals, are like the soldiers here who shoot down their neighbors because
+      they are hired to do so. The murder of those unarmed working men, that
+      Sunday, has changed a helpless, pleading people into anarchists with
+      deadly bombs in their blouses, where they were accustomed to carry black
+      bread to sustain life, and with the menace of Japan in the far east and an
+      outraged people at home, Russia is in a bad way, and if I was the czar or
+      a grand duke, I would find a woodchuck hole and arrange with the woodchuck
+      for a furnished flat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I didn't think there was going to be anything going on in Russia except
+      bloodshed and bombs, and things to make you sorry that you were here, and
+      I was willing to take chloroform and let them carry me home in a box, with
+      my description on the cover, until the doctor told me that dad was in a
+      condition of nervousness, that he needed something to happen to get his
+      mind off of the awful scenes he had witnessed, and asked me if I couldn't
+      think of something to excite him and wake him up, and then dad said, after
+      he got so he could go out doors: &ldquo;Hennery, you have always been Johnny on
+      the spot when I needed diversion, and I want you to take your brain apart,
+      and oil the works, and see if you can't conjure up something to get my
+      blood circulating and my pores open for business, and anything you think
+      of goes, and I swear I will not kick if you scare the boots off of me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, that was right into my hand; and I set my mind to strike at four p.
+      m. I had been out riding once with the Chicago man, in a sledge, with
+      three horses abreast, all runaway horses, and the driver was a Cossack who
+      lashed the horses into a run every smooth place he found in the road, and
+      it was like running to a fire, so I got the Chicago fellow to go with me
+      and we found the Cossack, and he was drunker than usual. There is a kind
+      of liquor here called vodka, which skins wood alcohol and carbolic acid to
+      a finish, and when a man is full of it he is so mad he wants to cut his
+      own throat. This driver had put up sideboards on his neck and had two jags
+      in one, and we hired him by the hour.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told the Chicago man the circumstances and that I had got to get dad out
+      of his trance, and he said he would help me. When I was out riding the day
+      before I noticed that the road was full of great dane dogs, wolf hounds
+      and stag hounds, which followed their master's sledges out in the country,
+      and the dogs loafed around, hungry, looking for bones, and fighting each
+      other, so I decided to get the dogs to chase our sledge and make dad think
+      we were chased by wolves. I thought that would make dad stand without
+      hitching, and it did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Chicago man bought some cannon firecrackers, and I bought a cow's
+      liver, and hitched it to a rope, and hid it in the back seat, and my
+      Chicago friend and I took the back seat, and we got dad in the seat behind
+      the driver, and started about an hour before dark out in the country,
+      through a piece of woods that looked quite wolfy. On the way out the
+      driver let his horses run away a few times, like you have seen in Russian
+      pictures, and dad was beginning to sit up and take notice, and seemed to
+      act like a man who expects every minute to be thrown over a precipice and
+      mixed up with dead horses. Dad touched the driver once on the coat-tail
+      and told him not to hurry so confounded fast, and the driver thought he
+      was complaining because it was too slow, and he gave a Comanche yell and
+      threw the lines into the air, and the horses just skedaddled, and run into
+      a snow bank and tipped over the sledge, and piled us out on top of dad,
+      but dad only said: &ldquo;This is getting good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0068" id="linkimage-0068">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/269.jpg" alt="Piled Us out on Top of Dad 269 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We righted up, and dad wanted to know where all the pups came from that we
+      had passed. I had been throwing out pieces of meat into the road for a
+      mile or so, and the dogs were having a picnic. It was getting pretty dark
+      by this time, and we started back to town, and I threw out my liver,
+      fastened to the rope, and the Chicago man, who had given the driver a
+      drink of vodka when we tipped over, told him, in Russian, that when the
+      dogs began to follow us, to get hold of the liver, to yell &ldquo;wolves,&rdquo; and
+      give the team the rein, for a five-mile run, and yell all the time,
+      because we wanted to give the old gentleman a good time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, uncle, I would have given anything if you could have seen dad, when
+      the dogs began to chase that liver, and bark and fight each other. The
+      driver yelled something in Russian, and pointed back with his whip, the
+      Chicago man said: &ldquo;My God, we are pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves,
+      and there is no hope for us,&rdquo; and I began to cry, and implored dad, if he
+      loved me, to save me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0069" id="linkimage-0069">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/267.jpg" alt="Dad Stood up in the Sledge 267 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0070" id="linkimage-0070">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/271.jpg" alt="Pursued by a Pack of Ravenous Wolves 271 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad stood up in the sledge and looked back, and saw the wolves, and he was
+      scared, but he said the only thing to do was to throw something overboard
+      for them to be chewing on while we got away, but he sat down and pulled a
+      robe over his head and his lips were moving, but I do not know whom he was
+      addressing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Chicago man touched off a couple of cannon firecrackers behind the
+      sledge, but that only kept the dogs back for a minute, and dad said
+      probably the best thing to do was to throw me overboard and let them eat
+      me, and I said: &ldquo;Nay, nay, Pauline,&rdquo; and then I think dad fainted away,
+      for he never peeped again until the team had run away a lot more, and I
+      cut my liver rope, and when we got into the suburbs of St. Petersburg the
+      dogs had overtaken the liver, and were fighting over it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The driver had to pull up his horses as we struck the town, and dad must
+      have got a whiff of the driver's vodka, because he come to, and we got to
+      the hotel all right, and I thought dad would simply die in his tracks, but
+      the ride and the excitement did him good, and he wanted to buy a gun and
+      go out wolf hunting the next day, but our tickets were bought and we shall
+      get out of this terrible country to-morrow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad woke me, up in the night and wanted to know if I saw him when he
+      pulled his knife and wanted to get out and fight the pack of wolves
+      single-handed. I am not much of a liar, but I told him I remembered it
+      well, and it demonstrated to me that he was as brave a man as the czar,
+      &ldquo;the Little Jack Rabbit,&rdquo; as his people call him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, thanks to my wolf hunt, dad is all right again, and now we shall go
+      to some country where there is peace. I don't know where we will find it,
+      but if such a country exists, your little Henry will catch on, if dad's
+      money holds out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours, covered with Gore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Dad Wears His Masonic Fez in Constantinople&mdash;They Find the
+     Turks Sensitive on the Dog Question&mdash;A College Yell for the
+     Sultan Sends Him Into a Fit.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Constantinople, Turkey.&mdash;My Dear Old &ldquo;Shriner&rdquo;&mdash;We got out of
+      Russia just in time to keep from being arrested or blown up with a bomb.
+      Dad wanted to go to Moscow, because he saw a picture once of Moscow being
+      destroyed by fire by Napoleon, or somebody, and he wanted to see if they
+      had ever built the town up again, but I felt as though something serious
+      was going to, happen in that country if we didn't look out, and so I
+      persuaded dad to go to Turkey, and the day we started for Constantinople
+      we got the news that the Nihilists had thrown a bomb under the carriage of
+      the Grand Duke Sergius and blew him and the carriage into small pieces not
+      bigger than a slice of summer sausage, and they had to sweep his remains
+      up in a dustpan and bury them in a two-quart fruit jar. Wouldn't that jar
+      you?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When dad heard about that you couldn't have kept him in Russia on a bet,
+      and so we let the authorities have all the money we had, giving some to
+      each man who held us up, until we got out of the country, and then we took
+      the first long breath we had taken since we struck the Godforsaken country
+      of the czar. If the bombs hold out I do not think there will be a quorum
+      left in Russia in a year, either czars, dukes or anything except peasants
+      on the verge of starvation and workingmen who have not the heart to work.
+      I wouldn't take the whole of Russia as a gift, and have to dodge bombs
+      night and day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, old man, you never dreamed that I knew all about you and dad joining
+      the Masons that time, but I watched you and dad giving each other signs
+      and grips, and whispering passwords into each other's ears, in the
+      grocery, nights, after you had locked up. I thought, at the time, that you
+      and dad were planning a burglary, but when you both went to the lodge one
+      night and stayed till near morning, and dad came home with a red Turkish
+      fez and told ma that you and he had joined the shrine, which was the
+      highest degree in Masonry, and you and he were nobles, and all that rot, I
+      was on to you bigger than a house, and you couldn't fool me when you and
+      dad winked at each other and talked about crossing the hot sands of the
+      desert.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, dad brought his red fez along, 'cause I think he expected he would
+      meet shriners all over the world, that he could borrow money of. When we
+      struck Constantinople and dad saw that every last one of the Turks wore a
+      red fez, he felt as though he had got among shriners, and he got his fez
+      out of his trunk and he wears it all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad acts as familiar with the Turks here as though he owned a harem. We go
+      to the low streets, about as wide as a street car, where Turks are selling
+      things, with dad wearing his fez, and he begins to make motions and give
+      grand hailing signs of distress, and the Turks look at him as though he
+      had robbed a bank, and they charge enormous prices for everything, and dad
+      pays with a smile, thinking his brother Masons are fairly giving things
+      away. He looks upon all men who wear the fez as his brothers, and they
+      look at him as though he was crazy in the head.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The only trouble is that dad insists on talking to the women here without
+      an introduction, and a woman in Turkey had rather die than have a
+      Christian dog look at her. Dad was buying some wormy figs of a merchant,
+      who was seated on the floor of his shop, and giving him signs, when a
+      curtain behind the Turk was pulled one side and a woman with beautiful
+      eyes and her face covered with a veil, came out with a cup of coffee for
+      the Turk. Dad shook hands with her, and said: &ldquo;Your husband and I belong
+      to the same lodge,&rdquo; and he was going to go inside and visit the family,
+      when the woman drew a small dagger out of the folds of her dress, and the
+      Turk drew one of these scimeters, and it looked for a moment as though I
+      was going to be a half orphan, particularly when dad put his hand on her
+      shoulder and petted it, and smiled one of those masher smiles which he
+      uses at home, and said: &ldquo;My good woman, you must not get in the habit of
+      jabbing your husband's friends with this crooked cutlery, though to be
+      killed by so handsome a woman would indeed be a sweet death,&rdquo; but the
+      bluff did not go, and the woman disappeared behind the curtain, and dad
+      had the frantic husband to deal with.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0071" id="linkimage-0071">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/276.jpg"
+       alt="When Dad Put his Hand on Her Shoulder and Petted It 276 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I have never seen a human being look as murderous as that Turk did as he
+      drew his thumb across the blade of his knife, drew up his lip and snarled
+      like a dog that has been bereaved of a promising bone by a brother dog
+      that was larger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Turk looked through his teeth, and his eyes seemed to act like small
+      arc lights, that were to show him where to cut dad, and dad began to turn
+      pale, and looked scared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Give him the grand hailing sign of distress,&rdquo; said I as dad leaned
+      against a barrel of dried prunes. Dad said he had forgotten the sign, and
+      then I told him the only way out of it, alive, would be to buy something,
+      so dad picked up a little jim-crack worth about ten cents, and gave the
+      Turk a five-dollar gold piece, and while the Turk went in behind the
+      curtain to get the change I told dad now was the time to skip, and you
+      ought to have seen dad make a sprint out the door and around a corner, and
+      up another street, while I followed him, and we got away from the danger
+      of being stabbed, but dad got his foot into it again before we had gone a
+      block.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nobody in Constantinople ever hurries, or goes off a walk, so when the
+      people saw an old man, with a fez on his head, running amuck, as they say
+      here, followed by a beautiful boy, they began to crawl into their holes,
+      thinking dad was crazy, but when we were passing a sausage store, where
+      about 20 dogs were asleep in the street, and dad kicked half a dozen dogs
+      and yelled, &ldquo;get out, you hounds,&rdquo; that settled it, and they knew he was
+      wrong in the head, and they yelled for the police, and we were pulled for
+      fast driving, and taken before a Turkish justice of the peace, followed by
+      the whole crowd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0072" id="linkimage-0072">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/282.jpg" alt="Get out You Hounds 282 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The justice did not wear a fez, but had on a turban, so dad did not give
+      him any signs, but after jabbering a while they sent for an interpreter,
+      who could talk pigeon English, and then dad had a trial, and I acted as
+      his lawyer. I told about how dad had tried to be kind and genial to
+      another man's wife, and how, in his hurry to get away from the murderous
+      husband he fell over a mess of dogs, and that he was a distinguished
+      American, who was in Turkey to negotiate a loan to the sultan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Say, that fixed them, and they all made salams to dad, and bowed all over
+      themselves, and the justice of the peace prayed to Allah, and the
+      interpreter said we could go, but to be careful about touching a Turkish
+      woman or a dog, particularly a dog, as the Turks were very sensitive on
+      the dog question. So we went out of the courtroom and wandered around the
+      town, and you can bet that dad didn't look at any more women, though they
+      were everywhere with veils that covered their faces so nothing but their
+      eyes could be seen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but you never saw such eyes as these Turkish women have. They are big
+      and black, and they go right through you, and clinch on the other side.
+      Dad says the facilities for getting into trouble are better in
+      Constantinople than any place we have been, as the men look like bandits
+      and the women look like executioners. Dad thanked me for helping him out
+      of that scrape by claiming he was the agent of a financial syndicate that
+      wanted to lend money to the sultan. If I had said dad was a collecting
+      agency, to make the sultan pay up, they would have sentenced him to be
+      boiled in oil.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we thought we had been in trouble before, but we are in it now worse
+      than ever. We heard at the hotel that at 11 o'clock in the morning the
+      sultan would pass by in a carriage, with an escort, on the way to a
+      mosque, to pray to Allah, and everybody could see the sultan, so we got a
+      place on a balcony, and at the appointed time the procession came in
+      sight. It was imposing, but solemn, and the people on both sides of the
+      street acted like they do in America when the funeral of a great man is
+      passing. No man spoke, and all looked as though they expected, if they
+      moved, to be arrested and have a stone tied to their feet and thrown into
+      the Bosphorus, the way they kill one of the sultan's wives when she flirts
+      with a stranger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We watched the soldiers, and finally the carriage of the sultan came, and
+      in it was a dried up man, with liver complaint, with a nose like an eagle,
+      and eyes like shoe buttons. He looked as though death would be a relief,
+      and yet he seemed afraid of it, and there was no sound of welcome, such as
+      there would be if Roosevelt was riding down Michigan avenue at Chicago, on
+      the way to the stockyards to pray to Armour, instead of to Allah.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You could have heard a pin drop. I said: &ldquo;Dad, this is too solemn, even
+      for a sultan. Let's give him the university yell, and show that mummy that
+      he has got two friends in Constantinople, anyway.&rdquo; &ldquo;Here she goes,&rdquo; says
+      dad, and we leaned over the railing, just as the sultan's carriage was
+      right in front of us and not ten feet away, and in that oppressive silence
+      dad and I opened up, &ldquo;U-Rah-Rah-Wis-Con-Sin, zip-boom-Ah!&rdquo; and then we
+      started to sing, &ldquo;There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-Night.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0073" id="linkimage-0073">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/279.jpg"
+       alt="There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town To-night 279 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, if any man in the crowd had touched off a bomb, there could have
+      been no greater consternation. The sultan turned pale, as pale as so
+      yellow a man could, and became faint, and fell over into the arms of a
+      general who sat beside him, the Bazi Bazouks on horseback began to ride up
+      and down the street, the crowd scattered, the sultan's carriage was turned
+      around and rushed back to the palace, with the ruler of Turkey having a
+      fit, and about a hundred soldiers came up on the veranda, where dad and I
+      had broke up the procession, and they lit on dad like buzzards on a dead
+      horse, and took possession of the hotel, and began to search our baggage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0074" id="linkimage-0074">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/285.jpg" alt="Another Took Me by the Ear 285 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One Turk choked dad until his tongue hung out of his mouth, and another
+      took me by the ear and stretched it out so it was long as a mule's ear,
+      and they took us to a bastile and dad says it is all up with us now,
+      because they will drown us like a mess of kittens in a bag, and all
+      because we woke them up with a football yell in the wrong place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we might as well wind up our career here as anywhere. Good-by, old
+      man. You will see our obituary in the papers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your repentant,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Meet the Cream of the Harem&mdash;&ldquo;Little
+     Egypt&rdquo; Does a Dancing Stunt&mdash;The Sultan Wants to Send Fifty
+     Wives to the President.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Constantinople, Turkey.&mdash;My Dear Grocer-pasha: When I wrote you last
+      I thought you would be in mourning for dad and I before this, as there
+      seemed nothing for the Turks to do but to kill us after we had stampeded
+      the sultan and all his soldiers by giving them a university yell, but
+      after we had been confined in a sort of jail over night, dad and I had a
+      heart to heart talk, and my diplomacy saved us for the time being. I told
+      dad that what we wanted to do was to tell the Turks that dad represented
+      the American people, and had a communication to make to the sultan
+      personally, which would make him rich and happy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, they bit like a bass, and the next day they took us before the
+      sultan at the palace. Dad dug up a package of blank gold mining stock in a
+      mine that he was going to promote, though the mine was only a small hole
+      in the ground, and the stock had been offered for one cent a share, the
+      par value being a hundred dollars, so a man who got a share for a cent
+      would, when the mine got to paying, get a hundred dollars for every cent
+      he invested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad filled out one of the stock certificates for 1,000,000 shares, which
+      would represent a capital equal to all the debts of Turkey, and we went
+      before the sultan, and we couldn't have been treated better if we had
+      owned a brewery. Dad told his story to the sultan through an interpreter,
+      while I looked around at the gorgeous surroundings and tried to think of
+      something to do to wake them up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad said he came right fresh from the American people, and was authorized
+      by his mining company to present the sultan with untold millions, for pure
+      love of the Turkish people, whom they had seen riding and leading camels
+      at the Chicago world's fair, and dad produced the stock certificate for
+      1,000,000 shares of stock in the Golden Horn Gold Mining and Smelting
+      company, and took out a handful of $20 gold pieces and showed them to the
+      crowd as specimens of gold that came from our mine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said our people did not expect anything in return, but just desired the
+      good will of the Turkish empire. He said that President Roosevelt desired
+      him to present his warmest regards to the sultan, and to invite him to
+      visit America, and if he would consent to do so, an American war vessel
+      would be furnished for him and the white house would be turned over to him
+      for his harem, and dad said the president wanted him particularly to
+      impress upon the sultan that if he came he must bring his folks, all his
+      wives that would be apt to size up for beauty with our American women.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0075" id="linkimage-0075">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/289.jpg"
+       alt="He Must Bring his Folks, and All His Wives 289 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, you ought to have seen that sickly looking sultan brace up when dad
+      handed him the millions of mining stock, and he grabbed the paper like an
+      old clothes buyer would grab a dress suit that a wife had sold for 60
+      cents, belonging to her husband. He also wanted to see the gold that dad
+      had shown as coming from the mine, and when dad showed him the yellow boys
+      he took them as souvenirs and put them in his girdle, and then I thought
+      dad would faint, but he kept his nerve like a poker player betting on a
+      bobtail flush.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sultan asked so many questions about America that I was afraid dad
+      would get all balled up, but he kept his nerve, and lied as though he was
+      on the witness stand trying to save his life. Dad told the sultan he was
+      authorized by the American people to inquire into the industries of
+      Turkey, and what he particularly desired was an insight into the harems,
+      as a national institution, because many American people were gradually
+      adopting the customs of the orient, and he desired to report to congress
+      as to whether we should adopt the customs of Turkey with her dried prunes
+      and dates with worms in, and her attar of roses made of pig's lard; her
+      fez, to cure baldness, and her outlandish pants and peaked red Morocco
+      shoes, and her harems.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sultan said he would like to show us a little bunch of the cream of
+      the harem, who would do a stunt in the way of dancing, to celebrate the
+      good feeling of the American people, and the visit of the distinguished
+      statesman and gold miner to his realm, and dad said the sultan couldn't
+      turn his stomach with no cream of the harem, only they must keep their
+      hands off him, and the sultan promised he should be as safe as a &ldquo;unique,&rdquo;
+       whatever that is.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad and I had hired knee breeches and things of a masquerade ball store,
+      and we didn't look half bad when the crowd of shieks and things formed a
+      crescent around the sultan, who sat in a sort of barber's chair with an
+      awning over it, and they sounded a hewgag or something, and about a dozen
+      pretty fine looking females, dressed like the ballet in a vaudeville show,
+      came in and began to dance before the sultan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad stood it first rate until a girl got on the carpet barefooted and
+      began one of those willowy sort of dances that nearly broke up the Chicago
+      fair, when people left the buildings filled with the work of the world's
+      artists, in all lines of progress, and went to the Midway in a body to see
+      &ldquo;Little Egypt,&rdquo; but when this dancer waltzed up to dad and wiggled in a
+      foreign language, dad sashayed up to her and I couldn't hold him back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0076" id="linkimage-0076">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/293.jpg" alt="He Was Just Getting Warmed up 293 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He was just getting warmed up to &ldquo;balance to partners,&rdquo; when a frown came
+      over the sultan's face and he looked cross at dad, and then the hewgag
+      sounded, and the girls scattered out of a side door and dad wanted to
+      follow, but I held him by the coat, and it was over. I think those girls
+      were the only ones in the whole harem that were good looking.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad breathed hard a little from his exercise, and said he was ready to
+      inspect the stock, and the sultan detailed a tall negro, with a face dried
+      up like a mummy, and we started out through the harem, dad pulling the
+      long hair on the side of his head over his bald spot, and throwing his
+      shoulders back and drawing in his stomach to make him look young.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, there is nothing about a harem, much different from keeping
+      house at home, except that there is more of it. The idea people get of
+      harems is that the women are all young and beautiful, and that they sit
+      around a swimming tank and play guitars and keep the flies off the man who
+      owns the place, while he smokes the vile Turkish tobacco burning in a
+      jardiniere, through a section of rubber hose, and goes to sleep like a
+      Chinaman smoking opium, and that they drink rare wines and dance with
+      bangles on their legs and ropes of pearls on their necks and arms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have seen alleged imitations of a Turkish harem on the stage, with
+      American girls doing the acting, and it would make you feel as though you
+      would invest in a harem when you got old enough, but, gee, when you see a
+      regular harem, run by an up-to-date Turk, you think of the Mormon apostle
+      who has 40 wives of all ages, from 70 down to a 16-year-old hired girl,
+      with a hair-lip and warts on her thumbs. This harem was like a big stock
+      barn in the states, with a big room to exercise the colts, and box stalls
+      for the different wives and their families to live in and do their own
+      cooking and washing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of sitting by a bath playing a harp, the poor old wives stand by a
+      washtub and play tunes on the washboard, and scrub, and take care of
+      children. I thought the custom of spanking children was an American
+      institution, but it is as old as the ages, for I saw a Turkish mother grab
+      up a child that had lifted a kitten by the tail, and take it across her
+      knee and give it a few with a red hand covered with soapsuds, and the
+      young Turk yelled bloody murder, just like an American kid, and then sat
+      down on its knees, so the spanking wouldn't hurt, and called its mother
+      names in a language I couldn't understand, but I knew what the child said,
+      by instinct. Dad started to interfere, because he is a member of the
+      humane society, but the unique that was showing us around saved dad's life
+      by pushing him along, before the woman got a chance to brain him with the
+      washboard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The women mostly had on these baggy Turkish trousers, like the Zouaves
+      wear, and a jacket, and a cloth around their heads, and they acted as
+      though if the next meal came along all right they would be in luck. We saw
+      a few women pretty white, and they were Circassian slaves, with big eyes
+      and hoops in their ears, and a little different clothes on, but there were
+      none that dad would buy at an auction, or at a bargain sale, if they were
+      marked down to 99 cents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We passed one woman running an American sewing machine, and dad said he'd
+      bet she was an American, and he went up to her and said: &ldquo;Hello, sis!&rdquo; She
+      stopped the machine, looked up at dad with a sort of Bowery expression,
+      and said: &ldquo;Gwan, Chauncey Depew, you old peach, or I'll have you pinched,&rdquo;
+       and the unique took dad by the arm and pulled him along real spry, but he
+      hung back and looked over his shoulder at the woman, but she went on
+      sewing, and dad said to me: &ldquo;Well, wouldn't that frost you?&rdquo; And we went
+      on making the inspection.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I don't think I ever saw so many children, outside of an orphan asylum,
+      all about the same size and all looking exactly alike. They all had the
+      same beady black eyes that look as though they were afraid of getting
+      caught in a trap, like muskrats, and their noses had the same inquiring
+      appearance, as though the owner was speculating as to how much money the
+      visitors had in their pockets, and whether it was fastened in. Race
+      suicide is impossible in Turkey, but a race of bandits is growing up that
+      will let no foreigners with a pocketbook escape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It took us an hour to go through the harem, and it was more like going
+      through the quarters of the working women of a home laundry in the
+      tenement district of a large city, than a comic opera, as we had been led
+      to expect by what we had read of harems. When we went into the harem I
+      think dad was going to insist on having the women dance for him, while he
+      sat on a throne and threw kisses at the most beautiful women in all the
+      world, but before we had got around all the box stalls I think if any of
+      them had started to dance dad would have stampeded in a body.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We finally got back to the great marble room, where the sultan was
+      sleeping in a stuffed chair, surrounded by his staff, and one of them woke
+      him up, and he asked dad what he thought of the home life of a crowned
+      head, and dad said it beat anything he had ever seen, and he should
+      recommend to his government that the harem system be adopted in America,
+      and actually the sultan seemed pleased. He said as an evidence of his love
+      for America he wanted to present to the president, through dad, 50 of his
+      wives, and if dad would indicate where he wanted them delivered, they
+      would be there, Johnny on the spot, or words to that effect.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first I thought dad would faint away, but I whispered to him that it
+      would be discourteous to decline a present, after giving the sultan a gold
+      mine, and that may be the old man would be so mad, if he declined the
+      wives, that he would tie stones to our legs and sink us in the
+      Bosphor-ous, so dad rallied and said, on behalf of his government, he
+      would accept the kindly and thoughtful gift of his highness, and that he
+      would cable for a war vessel to take the wives to his own America, and he
+      would notify the sultan when to round them up and load them on the vessel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I do not know what possessed me to make a scene, before we got
+      out of the presence of the sultan, but it all came to me sudden, like an
+      inspiration comes to a poet. I had been eating some fruit that I bought in
+      a paper bag, and when I had eaten the last of it, I wondered what I would
+      do with the bag, and then I thought what fun it would be to blow the bag
+      up, and suddenly burst it, when all was still. So I blowed up the bag, so
+      it was as hard as a bladder, and tied a string around the neck, and
+      waited. I did not think how afraid everybody in these old countries is of
+      bombs, or I never would have done it, honestly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sultan was signing some papers, and looking out of the corners of his
+      eyes to see if anybody was present who was suspicious, and dad was getting
+      ready to make a salam, and back out of the presence of the ruler of
+      Turkey, when I got behind some of the officials who were watching the
+      sultan, and I laid my paper bag on the marble floor, and it was as still
+      as death, and all you could hear was the scratching of the pen, when I
+      jumped up in the air as though I had a fit, and yelled &ldquo;Allah,&rdquo; and came
+      down with my whole weight on the paper bag, and of all the stampedes you
+      ever saw, that was the worst.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0077" id="linkimage-0077">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/299.jpg" alt="Stampede 299 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      You know what a noise it makes to bust a paper bag. Well, this was the
+      toughest old bag I ever busted, and it sounded like a cannon fired down
+      cellar somewhere, and the air was full of dust, and before I could get up
+      the sultan had tipped over the table and run yelling into another room,
+      praying to &ldquo;Allah,&rdquo; and all the staff had lit out for tall timber, and
+      there was nobody left but dad and the unique and myself, and the unique
+      took dad by the arm and started for the door, and we were fired out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I went out of the room I looked around, and there was a Turk's head
+      sticking out of every door to see how many had been killed by the bomb,
+      and as we got out doors, dad said &ldquo;Now we have to get out of Turkey before
+      night, or we die. Me for Egypt, boy, if we can catch a boat before we are
+      drawn and quartered.&rdquo; So here goes for Cairo, Egypt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours only,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Arrive in Cairo&mdash;At the Hotel They
+     Meet Some Egyptian Princesses&mdash;Dan Rides a Camel to the
+     Pyramids and Meets with Difficulties.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Cairo, Egypt.&mdash;My Dear Old Irish Vegetable: Gee, but you ought to see
+      dad and I right now at a hotel, waiting for a chance at a room, when a
+      bride and groom get ready to vacate it, and go somewhere else. This hotel
+      is full of married people who look scared whenever there is a new arrival,
+      and I came pretty near creating a panic by going into the parlor of the
+      hotel, where a dozen couples were sitting around making goo-goo eyes at
+      each other, and getting behind a screen and, in a disguised voice,
+      shouting, &ldquo;I know all! Prepare to defend yourself!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The women turned pale and some said, &ldquo;At last! At last!&rdquo; while others got
+      faint in the head, and some fell on the bosoms of their husbands and said:
+      &ldquo;Don't shoot!&rdquo; You see, most of these wives had husbands somewhere else
+      that might be looking for them. I have warned dad not to be seen
+      conversing with a woman, or he may be shot by a husband who is on her
+      trail, or by the husband she has with her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, of all the trips we have had anywhere, the trip from
+      Constantinople here was the limit. For two or three days we were on dinky
+      steamboats with Arabs, Turks, negroes and all nationalities camping on
+      deck, full of fleas, and with cholera germs on them big enough to pick
+      like blueberries, and all of the passengers were dirty and eat things that
+      would make a dog in America go mad. The dog biscuit that are fed to
+      American dogs would pass as a delicate confection on the menu of any
+      steamboat we struck, and I had rather lie down in a barn yard with a wet
+      dog for a pillow and a cast-off blanket from a smallpox hospital for a
+      bed, than to occupy the bridal chamber of any steamboat we struck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And then the ride across the desert by rail to reach Cairo was the worst
+      in the world. Passengers in rags, going to Mecca, or some other place of
+      worship, eating cheese a thousand years old made from old goat's milk, and
+      dug from the Pyramids too late to save it, was what surrounded us, and the
+      sand storm blew through the cars laden with germs of the plague, and stuck
+      to us so tight you couldn't get it off with sandpaper, and when we got
+      here all we have had to do is to bathe the dirt off in layers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0078" id="linkimage-0078">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/304.jpg"
+       alt="It Takes Nine Baths to Get Down To American Epidermis 304 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It takes nine baths to get down to American epidermis, and the last bath
+      has a jackplane to go with it, and a thing they scale fish with. But we
+      are all right now, with rooms in the hotel, and rested, and when we go
+      home we are going to be salted down and given chloroform and shipped as
+      mummies. Dad insists that he will never cross a desert or an ocean again,
+      and I don't know what is to become of us. Anyway, we are going to enjoy
+      ourselves until we are killed off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The first two days we just looked about Cairo, and saw the congress of
+      nations, for there is nothing just like this town anywhere. There are
+      people from all quarters of the globe, the most outlandish and the most
+      up-to-date. This place is an asylum for fakirs and robbers, a place where
+      defaulters, bribers, murderers, swindlers and elopers are safe, as there
+      seems to be no extradition treaty that cannot be overcome by paying money
+      to the officials. I found that out the first day, and told dad we should
+      have no standing in the society of Egypt unless the people thought he had
+      committed some gigantic crime and fled his country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad wanted to know how it would strike me if it was noised about the hotel
+      that he had robbed a national bank, but I, told him there would be nothing
+      uncommon or noticeable about robbing a bank, as half the tourists were
+      bank defaulters, so he would have to be accused of something startling, so
+      we decided that dad should be charged with being the principal thing in
+      the Standard Oil Company, and that he had underground pipe lines running
+      under several states, gathering oil away from the people who owned it, and
+      that at the present time he was worth a billion dollars, and his income
+      was $9,000,000 every little while, and, by ginger, you ought to see the
+      people bow down to him. Say, common bank robbers and defaulters just fell
+      over themselves to get acquainted with dad, and to carry out the joke, I
+      put some kerosene oil on dad's handkerchief, and that clinched it, for
+      everybody loves the smell of a perfume that represents a billion dollars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the women wanted to dance with dad in the hotel dance, and because
+      they thought I must be heir to all the oil billions, they wanted to hold
+      me on their laps, and stroke my hair, as though I was it. I guess we are
+      going to have everything our own way here, and if dad does not get eloped
+      with by some Egyptian princess, I shall be mistaken. The Egyptians are
+      pretty near being negroes, and wear bangles in their ears, and earrings on
+      their arms. You take it in the dark, and let a princess put her arms
+      around you, and sort of squeeze you, and you can't tell but what she is
+      white, only there is an odor about them like &ldquo;Araby the blessed,&rdquo; but in
+      the light they are only negroes, a little bleached, with red paint on
+      their cheeks. If I was going to marry an Egyptian woman, I would take her
+      to Norway, or up towards the north pole, where it is night all day, and
+      you wouldn't realize that you were married to a colored woman. To be
+      around among these Egyptians is a good deal like having a pass behind the
+      scenes at the play of Ben Hur in New York, only here the dark and
+      dangerous women are the real thing, instead of being white girls with
+      black paint on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have just got back from the pyramids, and dad is being treated for
+      spinal meningitis, on account of riding a camel. I never tried harder to
+      get dad to go anywhere on the cars than I did to get him to go to the
+      pyramids by rail, as a millionaire should, but he said he was going to
+      break a camel to the saddle, and then buy him and take him home for a side
+      show. So we went down to the camel garage and hired a camel for dad, and
+      four camels for the arabs and things he wanted for an escort, and a
+      jackass for me. There were automobiles and carriages, and trolleys, and
+      everything that we could have hired, and been comfortable for the ten-mile
+      ride, but dad was mashed on the camel, and he got it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, it was not one of these world's fair camels that lay down for
+      you to get on, and then got up on the installment plan, and chuck you
+      forward and aft, but a proud Egyptian camel that stands up straight and
+      makes you climb up on a stepladder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad got along up the camel's ribs, when the-stepladder fell, and he
+      grabbed hold of the hair on the two humps, and the humps were loose and
+      they lopped over on the side, and it must have hurt the camel's feelings
+      to have his humps pulled down, so he reached around his head and took a
+      mouthful out of the seat of dad's pants, and dad yelled to the camel to
+      let go, and the Arabs amputated the camel from dad's trousers, and pushed
+      dad up on top with a bamboo pole with a crotch in it, and when dad got
+      settled between the humps he said, &ldquo;Let 'er go,&rdquo; and we started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad could have had a camel with a platform on top, and an awning, but he
+      insisted on taking his camel raw, and he sat there between those humps,
+      his trousers worked up towards his knees, showing his red socks and blue
+      drawers, and his face got pale from sea sickness, and the red, white and
+      blue colors made me think of a fourth of July at home. We went out of town
+      like a wild west show, and dad seemed happy, except that every time an
+      automobile went whizzing along, dad's camel got the jumps and waltzed
+      sideways out into the sandy desert, and chewed at dad's socks, so part of
+      the time dad had to draw up his legs and sit on one hump and put his shoes
+      on the other hump. The Arabs on the other camels would ride up alongside
+      and steer dad's camel back into the road, by sticking sharp sticks into
+      the camel, and the animal would yawn and groan and make up faces at me on
+      my jackass, and finally dad wanted to change works with me and ride my
+      jackass, but I told him we had left the stepladder back at Cairo, so dad
+      hung to his mountainous steed, but the dust blew so you couldn't see, and
+      it was getting monotonous when the queerest thing happened.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You have heard that camels can fill up with water and go for a week
+      without asking for any more. Well, I guess the week was up, and it was
+      time to load the camels with water, for as we came to the Nile every last
+      camel made a rush for the river, and they went in like a yoke of oxen on a
+      stampede, and waded in clear up to the humps, and began to drink, and dad
+      yelled for a life preserver and pulled his feet up on top and sat there
+      like a frog on a pond lily leaf.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0079" id="linkimage-0079">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/308.jpg"
+       alt="Sat There Like a Frog on A Pond Lily Leaf 308 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      My jackass only stepped his feet in the edge, and dad wanted me to swim my
+      jackass out to the camel and let him fall off onto the jack, but I knew
+      dad would sink my jack in a minute, and I wouldn't go in the river. Well,
+      the camels drank about an hour, with dad sitting there meditating, and
+      then the dragomen got them out, and we started off for the pyramids, which
+      were in plain sight like the pictures you have seen, with palm trees along
+      the Nile, and Arabs camping on the bank, and it looked as though
+      everything was going to be all right, when suddenly dad's camel stopped
+      dead still and wouldn't move a foot, and all the rest of the camels
+      stopped, closed their eyes and went to sleep, and the Arabs went to sleep,
+      and dad and the jackass and I were apparently the only animals in Egypt
+      that were awake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad kicked his camel in the ribs, but it wouldn't budge. He asked me if I
+      could't think up some way to start the procession, and I stopped my
+      jackass and thought a minute, and told dad I had it. I had bought some
+      giant fire crackers and roman candles at Cairo, with which I was going to
+      fire a salute on top of the biggest pyramid, to celebrate for old America,
+      and I told dad what I had got, and I thought if I got off my jackass and
+      fired a salute there in the desert it would wake them up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad said, &ldquo;all right, let 'er go, but do it sort of easy, at first, so not
+      to overdo it,&rdquo; and I got my artillery ready. Say, you can't fire off
+      fireworks easy, you got to touch a match to 'em and dodge and take your
+      chances. Well, I scratched a match and lit the giant fire cracker, and put
+      it under the hind legs of dad's camel, and when it got to fizzing I lit my
+      roman candle, and as the fire cracker exploded like a 16-inch gun, my
+      roman candle began to spout balls of fire, and I aimed one at each camel,
+      and the whole push started on a stampede for the pyramids, the camels
+      groaning, the Arabs praying to Allah, dad yelling to stop 'er, and my
+      jackass led the bunch, and I was left in the desert to pick up the hats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0080" id="linkimage-0080">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/311.jpg" alt="Started on a Stampede for the Pyramids 311 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I guess I will have to tell you' the rest of the tragedy in my next
+      letter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours with plenty of sand,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXV.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad Climb the Pyramids&mdash;The Bad Boy
+     Lights a Cannon Cracker in Rameses' Tomb&mdash;They Flee from
+     Egypt in Disguise.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Cairo, Egypt.&mdash;My Dear Old Geezer: I broke off my last letter in
+      sight of the pyramids, when I was left alone on the desert, my jackass
+      having stampeded with the camels, on account of my fireworks, and I
+      presume you think I was all in, but I got to the pyramids before the
+      stampeded caravan did. I saw a car coming along, and I just got aboard and
+      in ten minutes I was at the base of the big pyramid, and the camel with
+      dad on between the humps, was humping himself half a mile away, trying to
+      get there, and the other camels, with the Arabs, were stretched out like
+      horses in a race, behind, and my jackass was right next to dad's camel,
+      braying and occasionally kicking dad's camel in the slats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were about a hundred tourists around the stampede of the camels, and
+      I told them my the base of the big pyramid, all looking towards dad, the
+      great American millionaire, was on the runaway camel in advance, and asked
+      them to form a line across the trail and save dad, but when the camel came
+      nearer I was ashamed of dad. He had his arms around the front hump of the
+      camel, and he was yelling for help to stop his menagerie, and his legs
+      were flying in the air, and every time they came down they kicked a hole
+      in the side of the camel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0081" id="linkimage-0081">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/319.jpg" alt="I Was Ashamed of Dad 319 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I thought dad was a brave man, but he blatted like a calf, and
+      when the camel stopped and went to eating a clump of grass dad opened his
+      eyes, and when he saw that the procession had stopped he rolled off his
+      camel like a bag of wheat, and stuck in the sand and began to say a
+      prayer, but when he saw me standing there, laughing, he stopped praying,
+      and said to me: &ldquo;I thought you were blown up when that jackass kicked the
+      can of dynamite. You have more lives than a cat. Now, get a hustle on you
+      and we will climb that pyramid, and then quit this blasted country,&rdquo; and
+      dad sat down on a hummock and began to pull himself together, after the
+      most fearful ride he ever had. He said the camel loped, trotted, galloped,
+      single-footed and shied all at the same time, and when one hump was not
+      jamming him in the back the other hump was kicking him in the stomach, and
+      if he had a gun he would shoot the camel, and the Arabs, and bust up the
+      show.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By the time dad got so he could stand up without leaning against a pyramid
+      the Arabs came up and they all talked at once, and drew knives, and it
+      seemed as though they were blaming dad for something. We found an
+      interpreter among the tourists, and he talked with the Arabs, and pointing
+      to the camel dad had ridden, which was stretched out on the sand like he
+      was dead, he told dad the Arabs wanted him to pay for the camel he had
+      ridden to death, and foundered by letting it drink a wagon load of water,
+      and then entered in a race across the desert, and the interpreter said dad
+      better pay, or they would kill him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0082" id="linkimage-0082">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/316.jpg" alt="Pay, Or They Would Kill Him 316 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad settled for the camel for a hundred dollars, and a promise of the skin
+      of the camel, which he was going to take home and have stuffed. Then a man
+      who pretended to be a justice of the peace had dad arrested for driving
+      off of a walk, and he was fined $10 and costs for that, and then all the
+      Arabs stuck him for money for one thing and another, and when he had
+      settled all around and paid extra for not riding back to Cairo on the
+      camel, we got ready to climb up the pyramid. Dad said he wouldn't ride
+      that camel back to Cairo for a million dollars, for he was split up so his
+      legs began where his arms left off, and he was lame from Genesis to
+      Revelations.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I never saw such a lot of people to pray as these pirates are. Just
+      before they rob a man they get down on their knees on a rug, and mumble
+      something to some god, and after they have got you robbed good and plenty,
+      they get down and pray while they are concealing the money they took from
+      you. Gee, but when I get home I am going to steer the train robbers and
+      burglars onto the idea of always being on praying grounds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I told dad he hadn't better try to climb up the pyramid, that I
+      would go up, 'cause I could climb like a goat, and when I got up to the
+      top I would fire a salute, so everybody would know that a star spangled
+      American was on deck, but dad said he would go up or quit the tourist
+      business. He said he had come thousands of miles to climb the pyramids,
+      and sit in the shadow of the spinks, and by ginger he was going to do it,
+      and so we started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, say, each stone is about four feet high, and dad couldn't get up
+      without help, so an Arab would go up a stone ahead, and take hold of dad's
+      hands, and two more Arabs would get their shoulders under dad's pants, and
+      shove, and he would get up gradually. We got about half way up when dad
+      weakened, and said he didn't care so much about pyramids as he thought he
+      did, and he was ready to quit, but the guide and some of the tourists said
+      we were right near the entrance to the great tomb of the kings, and that
+      we better go in and at least make a formal call on the crowned heads, and
+      so we went in, through dark passages, with little candles that the guides
+      carried, and up and down stairs, until finally we got into a big room that
+      smelled like a morgue, with bats and evil looking things all around, and I
+      felt creepy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The guides got down on their knees to pray, and I thought it was time to
+      be robbed again. I do not know what made me think of making a sensation
+      right there in the bowels of that pyramid, where there were corpses
+      thousands of years old, of Egypt's rulers. I never felt that way at home,
+      when I visited a cemetery, but I though I would shoot my last roman candle
+      and fire my last giant firecracker right there in that moseleum, and take
+      the chances that we would get out alive. So when the tourists were lined
+      up beside a tomb of some Rameses or other, and the guides were praying for
+      strength and endurance, probably, to get away with all the money we had, I
+      picked out a place up toward the roof that seemed full of bats and birds
+      of ill omen, and I sneaked my roman candle out from under my shirt, and
+      touched the fuse to a candle on the turban of a guide who was on his
+      knees, and just as the first fire ball was ready to come out I yelled
+      &ldquo;Whoop-la-much-a wano, epluribus un-um,&rdquo; and the fire balls lighted up the
+      gloom and knocked the bats gaily west.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Holy jumping cats, but you ought to have seen the guides, yelling Allah!
+      Allah! and groveling on the floor, and the bats were flying around in the
+      faces of the tourists, and everybody was simply scared out of their boots.
+      I thought I might as well wind the thing up glorious, so I touched the
+      tail of my last giant firecracker to the sparks that were oozing out of my
+      empty roman candle, and threw it into the middle of the great room, and
+      when it went off you would think a cannon had exploded, and everybody
+      rushed for the door, and we fell over each other getting out through the
+      passage towards the door.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was the first to get out on to the side of the pyramid, and I watched
+      for the crowd to come out. The tourists got out first, and then dad came
+      out, puffing and wheezing, and the last to come out were the Arabs, and
+      they came on their hands and knees, calling to Mr. Allah and every one of
+      them actually pale, and I think they were conscience-stricken, for they
+      began to give back the money they had robbed dad of, and an Arab must be
+      pretty scared to give up any of his hard-earned robberies. I think dad was
+      about the maddest man there was, until he got some of his money back, when
+      he felt better, but he gave me a talking to that I will never forget.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said: &ldquo;Don't you know better than to go around with explosives, like a
+      train robber, and fire them off in a hole in the ground, where there is no
+      ventilation, and make people's ears ring? Maybe you have woke up those
+      kings and queens in there, and changed a dynasty, you little idiot.&rdquo; The
+      rest of the crowd wanted to throw me down the side of the pyramid, but I
+      got away from them and went up on top of the pyramid and hoisted a small
+      American flag, and left it floating there, and then came back to where the
+      crowd was discussing the explosion in the tomb, and then we all went down
+      the side of the pyramid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The guides got their nerve back after they got out in the air, because
+      they wouldn't help dad down unless he paid them something every stone they
+      helped him climb down, so when he got down he didn't have any money, and
+      hardly any pants, because what pants the Arabs didn't tear were worn off
+      on the stones, so when he showed up in front of the spinks he was a sight,
+      and he bought a turban of a guide and unwound it and wound it around him
+      in place of pants. I was ashamed of dad myself, and it is pretty hard to
+      make me ashamed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We went back to Cairo on the cars, and what do you think, that dead camel
+      that the Arabs made dad pay for was with the caravan going back to town,
+      'cause we saw him out of the car window with the hair wore off where dad
+      kicked him in the side. The tourists say the Arabs have that camel trained
+      to die every day when they get to the pyramids, and they make some
+      tenderfoot pay for him at the end of each journey. Dad is going to try to
+      get his money back from the Egyptian government, but I guess he will never
+      realize on his claim.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, after dad had doctored all night to get the camel rheumatism
+      and spinal meningitis out of his system, we took a trip by boat on the
+      Nile, and saw the banks where the people grow crops by irrigation, and
+      where an English syndicate has built a big dam, so the whole valley can be
+      irrigated, and I tell you it will not be long before Egypt will raise
+      everything used in the world on that desert, and every other country that
+      raises food to sell will be busted up in business, but it is disgusting to
+      take a trip on the Nile, 'cause all the natives are dirty and sick with
+      contagious diseases, and they are lazy and crippled, and beg for a living,
+      and if you don't give them something they steal all you got. You are in
+      luck if you get away without having leprosy, or the plague, or cholera, or
+      fleas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So we went back to Cairo, and there was the worst commotion you ever saw,
+      about my fireworks in the tomb. The papers said that an American dynamiter
+      had attempted to blow up the great pyramid, and take possession of the
+      country and place it under the American flag, and that the conspirators
+      were spotted and would be arrested and put in irons as soon as they got
+      back from a trip on the Nile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, dad found his career would close right here, and that he would
+      probably spend the balance of his life in an Egyptian prison if wc didn't
+      get out, so we made a sneak and got into our hotel, bought disguises and
+      are going to get out of here tonight, and try to get to Gibraltar, or
+      somewhere in sight of home. Dad is disguised as a shiek, with whiskers and
+      a white robe, like a bath robe, and I am going to travel with him as an
+      Egyptian girl till we get through the Suez canal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0083" id="linkimage-0083">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/323.jpg" alt="Dad is Disguised As a Shiek 323 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but I wouldn't be a nigger girl only to save dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your innocent,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVI.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes About Gibraltar&mdash;The Irish-English Army&mdash;
+     How He Would Take the Fortress&mdash;Dad Wants to Buy the &ldquo;Rock.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Gibraltar, in Spain and England. My Dear Foster Uncle: It seems good to
+      get somewhere that you can hear the English language spoken by the Irish,
+      and the English soldiers are nearly all Irish. When you think of the way
+      the British government treats the Irish, and then you look on while an
+      orderly sergeant calls the roll of a company, and find that nine out of
+      ten answer to Irish names, and only one out of ten has the cockney accent,
+      you feel that the Irish ought to rule England, and an O'Rourke or a
+      O'Shaunnessy should take the place of King Edward. It makes a boy who was
+      brought up in an Irish ward in America feel like he was at home to mix
+      with British soldiers who come from the old sod. Dad says that there is
+      never an army anywhere in the world, except the armies of Russia and
+      Japan, that the bravest men are not answering to Irish names, and always
+      on the advance in a fight, or in the rear when there is a retreat. Dad
+      says that in our own army, when the North and South were fighting, the
+      Irish boys were the fellows who saved the day. They wanted to fight nights
+      and Sundays, and never struck for an eight-hour day, or union wages. When
+      the fighting was over, and soldiers were sick, or discouraged, and
+      despondent, an Irish soldier would come along, maybe on crutches, or with
+      a bullet in his inwards, and tell funny stories and make the discouraged
+      fellows laugh in spite of themselves, and when another fight was on, you
+      had to tie the wounded Irish soldiers to their cots in the hospital, or
+      put them in jail to keep them from forgetting their wounds, and going to
+      the front for one more fight. Dad says if there was an Irish nation with
+      an army and navy, the whole world would have to combine to whip them, and
+      yet the nation that has the control of the Irish people treats them worse
+      than San Francisco treats Chinamen, makes them live on potatoes, and
+      allows landlords to take away the potatoes if they are shy on the rent.
+      Gosh, if I was an Irishman I would see the country that walked on my neck
+      in hell before I would fight for it. (Gee, dad looked over my shoulder and
+      saw what I had written, and he cuffed me on the side of the head, and said
+      I was an incendiary and that I ought to have sense enough not to write
+      treason while a guest on British soil.) Well, I don't care a darn. It
+      makes me hot under the collar when I think of the brave Irish fellows, and
+      I wonder why they don't come to America in a body and be aldermen and
+      policemen. When I get home I am going to join the Fenians, and raise
+      thunder, just as quick as I am old enough.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0084" id="linkimage-0084">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/329.jpg"
+       alt="Keep Away from the Banks for Fear The Banks Will Cave In 329 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, we have been through the Suez canal, and for a great modern
+      piece of engineering it doesn't size up with a sewer in Milwaukee, or a
+      bayou in Louisiana. It is just digging a railroad cut through the desert,
+      and letting in the water, and there you are. The only question in its
+      construction was plenty of dredging machines, and a place to pile the
+      dirt, and water that just came in of its own accord, and stays there, and
+      smells like thunder, and you see the natives look at it, and keep away
+      from the banks for fear the banks will cave in on them, and give them a
+      bath before their year is up, cause they don't bathe but once a year, and
+      when they skip a year nobody knows about it, except that they smell a year
+      or so more frowsy, like butter that has been left out of the ice box. Our
+      boat went right along, and got out of the canal, because it was a mail
+      boat, but the most of the boats we saw were tied up to the bank, waiting
+      for the millennium. We saw some Russian boats waiting for the war to blow
+      over and as we passed them every Russian on board looked scared, as though
+      we were Japs that were going to fire a torpedo under them, or throw a bomb
+      on deck, and when our boat got by the Russian boat, the crew was called to
+      prayers, to thank the Lord, or whoever it is that the Russians thank,
+      because they had escaped a dire peril. I guess the Russians are all in,
+      and that those who have not gone to the front are shaking hands with
+      themselves, and waiting for the dove of peace to alight on their guns. The
+      Suez canal probably pays, and no wonder, cause they charge what they
+      please to boats that go through, and if they don't pay all they have to do
+      is to stay out, and go around a few thousand miles. It is like a ferry
+      across a little stream out west, where there is no other way to cross,
+      except to wade or go around, and the old ferryman sizes up the wagon load
+      that wants to cross, and takes all they have got loose, and then the
+      travelers are ahead of the game, cause if they didn't cross the stream
+      they would have to camp on the bank until the stream dried up. Some day an
+      earthquake will split that desert wide open and the water in the Suez
+      canal will soak into the sand and the steamboats will lay in the mud, and
+      be covered with a sand storm, and future ages will be discovering full
+      rigged ships down deep on the desert. Dad says we better sell our stock in
+      the canal and buy air ship stock. And talk about business, there is more
+      tonnage goes through the Soo canal, between Michigan and Canada than goes
+      through the Suez and we don't howl about it very much.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, I have studied Gibraltar in my geography, and read about it in
+      the papers, and seen its pictures in advertisements, but never realized
+      what a big thing it was. Now, who ever thought of putting that enormous
+      rock right there on that prairie, but God. I suppose the English, when
+      they saw that rock, thought the good Lord had put it there for the English
+      to drill holes in, for guns, and when the Lord was busy somewhere else,
+      the English smoughed the rock away from Spain, by playing a game with
+      loaded dice, and when England got it, that country decided to arm it like
+      a train robber, and hold up the other nations of the earth. When a vessel
+      passes that rock it has to hold up its hands and salute the British flag,
+      or get a mess of hardware fired into its vital parts, but that is all it
+      amounts to, cause it couldn't win any battle for England, and could only
+      sink trading vessels. The walls of the rock are perforated from top to
+      bottom, with holes big enough for guns to squirt smoke and shells, but if
+      the enemy should stay away from right in front of the holes, they might
+      shoot till doomsday and never hit anything but fishing smacks and peddlers
+      of oranges. Gibraltar is like a white elephant in a zoological garden. It
+      just eats and keeps off the flies with its short tail, and visitors feed
+      it peanuts and wonder what it was made for, and how much hay it eats.
+      Gibraltar is like a twenty-dollar gold piece that a man carries in his
+      watch pocket for an emergency, which he never intends to spend until he
+      gets in the tightest place of his life, and it wears out one pocket after
+      another, and some day drops through on to the sidewalk, and a tramp finds
+      it and goes on a bat and gets the worth of his money, and has a good time,
+      if he saves enough to buy a bromo seltzer the next morning after. It is
+      like the Russian war chest, that is never to be opened as long as they can
+      borrow money. If Gibraltar could be put on castors, and rolled around from
+      one country to another, England could whip all Europe and Asia. It would
+      be a Tro Jane horse on a larger scale, and be a terror; but, say, if it
+      got to America we wouldn't do a thing to it. We would run a standpipe up
+      the side, and connect it with an oil pipe line, fill Gibraltar's tunnels
+      and avenues, and magazines and barracks with crude oil, and touch a match
+      to it, and not an Englishman would live to tell about it. Gee, but I would
+      be sorry for the Irish soldiers, but I guess they wouldn't be there, cause
+      they wouldn't fight America. Well, if England ever has a big war, and she
+      gets chesty about Gibraltar, and says it is impregnable, and defies the
+      world to take it, I bet you ten dollars it could be taken in twenty-four
+      hours. If I was a general, or an admiral, I would have about forty tank
+      steamers, loaded with kerosene, and have them land, innocent like, right
+      up beside Gibraltar, ostensibly to sell oil for perfumery to the natives,
+      who would all be improved by using kerosene on their persons. Then I would
+      get on a barrel, on deck of my flag ship, and command the English general
+      to surrender unconditionally, and if he refused I would set a slow match
+      on every oil vessel, and have the crews get in skiffs and pull for the
+      opposite shore, and when the oil got on fire, and rolled up all over
+      Gibraltar, and burned every living thing, I would throw water from a fire
+      department boat on the rock, and she would split open and roll all
+      over-the prairie, and then I would bury the cremated dead out on the
+      desert, and seek other worlds to conquer, like Alexander the Great. But
+      don't be afraid. I won't do it unless they make me mad, but you watch my
+      smoke if they pick on your little Hennery too much, when he grows up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I haven't got any kick coming about Gibraltar, cause they treated dad
+      and I all right, and the commander detailed an ensign to show us all
+      through the fortress. Now don't get an ensign mixed up with a unique, such
+      as showed us through the Turkish harem. An English ensign is just as
+      different from a Turkish unique as you can imagine. Every man to his
+      place. You couldn't teach a Turkish unique how to show visitors around an
+      English fortress, and an English ensign in a Turkish harem would bring on
+      a world's war, they are so different. Well, wc went through tunnels in the
+      rock, and up and down elevators, and all was light as day from electric
+      lights, and we saw ammunition enough to sink all the ships in the world,
+      if it could be exploded in the right place, and they have provisions
+      enough stored in the holes in the rock to keep an army for forty years if
+      they didn't get ptomaine poisoned from eating canned stuff. It was all a
+      revelation to dad, and when we got all through, and got out into the
+      sunlight, we breathed free, and when clad got his second wind he broke up
+      the English officers by taking out a pencil and piece of paper, and asked
+      them what they would take for the rock and its contents, and move out, and
+      let the American flag float over it. Well, say, they were hot, and they
+      told dad to go plum to 'ell, but dad wouldn't do it. He said America
+      didn't want the old stone quarry, anyway, and if it did it could come and
+      take it. I guess they would have had dad arrested for treason, only when
+      we got out into the town there was the whole British Atlantic squadron
+      lined up, with the men up in the rigging like monkeys, and every vessel
+      was firing a salute, as a yacht came steaming by. Dad thought war had
+      surely broke out, or that some rich American owned the yacht, but it
+      turned out to be Queen Alexandria and a party of tourists, and when the
+      band played &ldquo;God Save the Queen,&rdquo; dad got up on his hind legs and sang so
+      loud you would think he would split hisself, and a fellow went up and
+      threw his arms around dad, and began to weep, and the tears came in dad's
+      eyes, and another fellow pinched dad's watch, and the celebration closed
+      with everybody getting drunk, and the queen sailed away. Say, we are going
+      to Spain, on the next boat, and you watch the papers. We will probably be
+      hung for taking Cuba and the Phillipines.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0085" id="linkimage-0085">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/333.jpg"
+       alt="Sang So Loud You Would Think he Would Split Hisself 333 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes of Spain&mdash;They Call on the King And the
+     Bad Boy is at it Once More&mdash;They See a Bull Fight and Dad
+     Does a Turn.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Madrid, Spain.&mdash;My Dear Uncle: You probably think we are taking our
+      lives in our hands by coming to Spain, so soon after the Cuban war, in
+      which President Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill, in the face of over
+      thirty bloodthirsty Spaniards, and captured the blockhouse on the summit
+      of the hill, which was about as big as a switchman's shanty, and wouldn't
+      hold two platoons of infantry, of twelve men to the platoon, without
+      crowding, and which closed the war, after the navy had everlastingly
+      paralyzed the Spanish vessels, and sunk them in wet water, and picked up
+      the crews and run them through clothes-wringers to dry them out; but we
+      are as safe here as we would be on South Clark street, in Chicago. Do you
+      know, when I read of that charge of our troops up San Juan hill, headed by
+      our peerless bear-hunter, I thought it was like the battle of Gettysburg,
+      where hundreds of thousands of men fought on each side, and I classed
+      Roosevelt with Grant, Sheridan, Sherman, Meade and Thomas, and all that
+      crowd, but one day I got talking with a veteran of the Spanish-American
+      war, who promptly deserted after every pay day, and re-enlisted after he
+      had spent his money, and he didn't do a thing to my ideas of the
+      importance of that battle. He told me it was only a little skirmish, like
+      driving in a picket post, and that there were not Spaniards enough there
+      to have a roll call, not so many Spanish soldiers as there were American
+      newspaper correspondents on our side, that only a few were killed and
+      wounded, and that a dozen soldiers in an army wagon could have driven up
+      San Juan hill with firecrackers and scared the Spaniards out of the
+      country, and that a part of a negro regiment did pretty near all the
+      shooting, while our officers did the yelling, and had their pictures
+      taken, caught in the act. So I have quit talking of the heroism of our
+      army in Cuba, because it makes everybody laugh and they speak of Shaffer
+      and Roosevelt, and hunch up their shoulders, and say, &ldquo;bah,&rdquo; but when you
+      talk about the navy, and Schley, and Sampson, and Clark, and Bob Evans,
+      they take off their hats and their faces are full of admiration, and they
+      say, &ldquo;magnificent,&rdquo; and ask you to take a drink. Gee, but dad got his foot
+      in it by talking about the blowing up of the Maine, and looking saucy, as
+      though he was going to get even with the Spaniards, but he found that
+      every Spaniard was as sorry for that accident as we were, and they would
+      take off their hats when the Maine was mentioned, and look pained and
+      heart-sick. I tell you the Spaniards are about as good people as you will
+      find anywhere, and dad has concluded to fall back on Christopher Columbus
+      for a steady diet of talk, cause if it had not been for Chris we wouldn't
+      have been discovered to this day, which might have been a darn good thing
+      for us. But the people here do not recall the fact that there ever was a
+      man named Christopher Columbus, and they don't know what he ever
+      discovered, or where the country is that he sailed away to find, unless
+      they are educated, and familiar with ancient history, and only once in a
+      while will you find anybody that is educated. The children of America know
+      more about the history of Spain than the Spanish children. This country
+      reminds you of a play on the stage, the grandees in their picturesque
+      costumes, though few in number, compared to the population, are the whole
+      thing, and the people you see on the stage with the grandees, in peasant
+      costume, peddling oranges and figs, you find here in the life of Spain,
+      looking up to the grandees as though they were gods. Every peasant carries
+      a knife in some place, concealed about him, and no two carry their toad
+      stabbers in the same place. If you see a man reach his finger under his
+      collar to scratch his neck, the chances are his fingers touch the handle
+      of his dagger, and if he hitches up his pants, his dagger is there, and if
+      he pulls up his trousers leg to scratch for a flea, you can bet your life
+      his knife is right handy, and if you have any trouble you don't know where
+      the knife is coming from, as you do about an American revolver, when one
+      of our citizens reaches for his pistol pocket. Spaniards are nervous
+      people, on the move all the time, and it is on account of fleas. Every
+      man, woman and child contains more than a million fleas, and as they can't
+      scratch all the time, they keep on the move, hoping the fleas will jump
+      off on somebody else. When we came here we were flealess, but every person
+      we have come near to seems to have contributed some fleas to us, until now
+      we are loaded down with them, and we find in our room at the hotel a box
+      of insect powder, which, is charged in with the candles. The king, who is
+      a boy about three years older than I am, is full of fleas, too, and he
+      jumps around from one place to another, like he was shaking himself to get
+      rid of them. He gets up in the morning and goes out horseback riding, and
+      jumps fences and rides tip and down the marble steps of the public
+      buildings, as though he wanted to make the fleas feel in danger, so they
+      will leave him. Seems to me if every man kept as many dogs as they do in
+      Constantinople, the fleas would take to the dogs, but they say here that
+      fleas will leave a dog to get on a human being, because they like the
+      smell of garlic, as every Spaniard eats garlic a dozen times a day. They
+      are trying to teach dogs to eat garlic, but no self-respecting dog will
+      touch it. We have had to fill up on garlic in order to be able to talk
+      with the people, cause dad got sea sick the first day here, everybody
+      smelled so oniony. Dad wanted a druggist to put up onions in capsules,
+      like they do quinine, so he could take onions and not taste them, but he
+      couldn't make the man understand. There ought to be a law against any
+      person eating onions, unless he is under a death sentence. But you can
+      stand a man with the onion habit, after you get used to it. It is a woman,
+      a beautiful woman, one you would like to have take you on your lap and pet
+      you, that ought to know better than to eat onions. Gee, but when you see a
+      woman that is so beautiful it makes her ache to carry her beauty around,
+      and you get near to her and expect to breathe the odor of roses and
+      violets, that makes you tired when she opens her mouth to say soft words
+      of love, and there comes to your nostrils the odor of onions. Do you know,
+      nothing would make me commit suicide so quick as to have a wife who
+      habitually loaded herself with onions. Dad was buying some candy for me at
+      a confectioner shop, of a beautiful Spanish woman, and when he asked how
+      much it was, she bent over towards him in the most bewitching manner and
+      breathed in his face and said, &ldquo;Quatro-realis, seignor,&rdquo; which meant &ldquo;four
+      bits, mister,&rdquo; and he handed her a five-dollar gold piece, and went
+      outdoors for a breath of fresh air, and let her keep the change. He said
+      she was welcome to the four dollars and fifty cents if she would not
+      breathe towards him again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0086" id="linkimage-0086">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/339.jpg" alt="Breathed in his Face 339 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, we have taken in the town, looked at the cathedrals, attended the
+      sessions of the cortez, and thew gambling houses, saw the people sell the
+      staple products of the country, which are prunes, tomatoes and wine. The
+      people do not care what happens as long as they have a quart of wine. In
+      some countries the question of existence is bread, but in Spain it is
+      wine. No one is so poor they cannot have poor wine, and with wine nothing
+      else is necessary, but a piece of cheese and bread helps the wine some,
+      though either could be dispensed with. In some countries &ldquo;wine, women and
+      song&rdquo; are all that is necessary to live. Here it is wine, cheese and an
+      onion. We went to see the king, because he is such a young boy, and dad
+      thought it would encourage the ruler to see an American statesman, and to
+      mingle with an American boy who could give him cards and spades, and
+      little casino, and beat him at any game. I made dad put on a lot of badges
+      we had collected in our town when there were conventions held there, and
+      when they were all pinned on dad's breast he looked like an admiral. There
+      was a badge of Modern Woodmen, one of the Hardware Dealers' Association,
+      one of the Wholesale Druggists, one of the Amalgamated Association of
+      Railway Trainmen, one of the Farmers' Alliance, one of the Butter and
+      Cheese-men's Convention, one of the State Undertakers' Guild, and half a
+      dozen others in brass, bronze and tin, on various colored ribbons. Say, do
+      you know, when they ushered us into the throne room at the palace, and the
+      little king, who looked like a student in the high school, with dyspepsia
+      from overstudy and cake between meals, saw dad, he thought he was the most
+      distinguished American he had ever seen, and he invited dad up beside him
+      on the throne, and dad sat in the chair that the queen will sit in when
+      the boy king gets married, and I sat down on a front seat and watched dad.
+      Dad had read in the papers that the boy king wanted to marry an American
+      girl who was the possessor of a lot of money, so dad began to tell the
+      king of girls in America that were more beautiful than any in the world,
+      and had hundreds of millions of cold dollars, and an appetite for raw
+      kings, and that he could arrange a match for the king that would make him
+      richer than any king on any throne. The boy king was becoming interested,
+      and I guess dad would have had him married off all right, if the king had
+      not seen me take out a bag of candy and begin to eat, when he said to me,
+      &ldquo;Come up here, Bub, and give me some of that.&rdquo; Gosh, but I trembled like a
+      leaf, but I went right up the steps of the throne and handed him the bag,
+      and said, &ldquo;Help yourself, Bub.&rdquo; Well, sir, the queerest thing happened. I
+      had bought two pieces of candy filled with cayenne pepper, for April fool,
+      and the king handed the bag to the master of ceremonies, a big Spaniard
+      all covered over with gold lace, and if you will believe me the king got
+      one piece of the cayenne pepper candy, and that spangled prime minister
+      got the other, and the king chewed his piece first, and he opened his
+      mouth like a dog that has picked up a hot boiled egg and he blew out his
+      breath to cool his tongue and said, &ldquo;Whoosh,&rdquo; and strangled, and
+      sputtered, and then the prime minister he got his, and he yelled murder in
+      Spanish, and the king called for water, and put his hands on his stomach
+      and had a cramp, and the other man he tied himself up in a double bowknot,
+      and called for a priest, and the king said he would have to go to the
+      chapel, and the fellows who were guarding the king took him away,
+      breathing hard, and red in the face, and dad said to me, &ldquo;What the bloody
+      hell you trying to do with the crowned heads? Cause you have poisoned the
+      whole bunch, and we better get out.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0087" id="linkimage-0087">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/347.jpg"
+       alt="The King Got One Piece of the Cayenne Pepper Candy 347 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      So we went out of the palace while the king's retainers were filling him
+      with ice water. Well, they got the cayenne pepper out of him, because we
+      saw him at the bull fight in the afternoon, but for a while he had the
+      hottest box there ever was outside of a freight train, and if he lives to
+      be as old as Mr. Methuselah he will always remember his interview with
+      little Hennery. The bull fights ain't much. Bulls come in the ring mad as
+      wet hens, cause they stick daggers in them, and they bellow around, and
+      the Spaniards dodge and shake red rags at them, and after a bull has
+      ripped a mess of bowels out of a few horses, then a man with a saber stabs
+      the bull between the shoulders, and he drops dead, and the crowd cheers
+      the assassin of the bull, and they bring in another bull. Well, sir, dad
+      came mighty near his finish at the bull fight. When the second bull came
+      in, and ripped the stomach out of a blind horse, and the bull was just
+      charging the man who was to stab it, dad couldn't stand it any longer and
+      he climbed right over into the ring, and he said: &ldquo;Look a here, you
+      heathen; I protest, in the name of the American Humane Society, against
+      this cruelty to animals, and unless this business stops right here I will
+      have this place pulled, and&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0088" id="linkimage-0088">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/343.jpg" alt="Dad Couldn't Stand It Any Longer 343 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you would of thought that bull would have had sense enough to
+      see that dad was his friend, but he probably couldn't understand what dad
+      was driving at, for he made a rush for dad, and dad started to run for the
+      fence, and the bull caught dad just like dad was sitting in a rocking
+      chair, and tossed him over the fence, and dad's pants stayed on the bull's
+      horns, and dad landed in amongst a lot of male and female grandees and
+      everybody yelled, &ldquo;Bravo, Americano,&rdquo; and the police wrapped a blanket
+      around dad's legs and were going to take him to the emergency hospital,
+      but I claimed dad, and took him to the hotel. Dad is ready to come home
+      now. He says he is through.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0089" id="linkimage-0089">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/349.jpg" alt="Dad's Pants Stayed on the Bull's Horns 349 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVIII.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy and His Dad at Berlin&mdash;They Call on Emperor
+     William and his Family and the Bad Boy Plays a Joke on Them
+     All.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Berlin, Germany.&mdash;My Dear Old Pummer-nickel: Now we have got pretty
+      near home, and you would enjoy it to be with us, because you couldn't tell
+      the town from Milwaukee, except for the military precision with which
+      everything is conducted, where you never take a glass of beer without
+      cracking your heels together like a soldier, and giving a military salute
+      to the bartender, who is the commander-in-chief of all who happen to
+      patronize his bar. Everybody here acts like he was at a picnic in the
+      woods, with a large barrel of beer, with perspiration oozing down the
+      outside, and a spigot of the largest size, which fills a schooner at one
+      turn of the wrist, and every man either smiles or laughs out loud, and you
+      feel as though there was happiness everywhere, and that heaven was right
+      here in this greatest German city.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0090" id="linkimage-0090">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/353.jpg" alt="There is Laughter Everywhere 353 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There is laughter everywhere, except when the Emperor drives by, escorted
+      by his bodyguard, on the finest horses in the world; then every citizen on
+      the street stops smiling and laughing; all stand at attention, and every
+      face takes on a solemn, patriotic, almost a fighting look, as though each
+      man would consider it his happiest duty and pleasure to walk right up to
+      the mouth of cannon and die in his tracks for his pale-faced, haggard and
+      loved Emperor. And the Emperor never smiles on his subjects as he passes,
+      but looks into every eye on both sides of the beautiful street, with an
+      expression of agony on his face, but a proud light in his eye, as though
+      he would say, &ldquo;Ach, Gott, but they are daisies, and they would fight for
+      the Fatherland with the last breath in their bodies.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The pride of the people in that moustached young man, with the look of
+      suffering, is only equalled by the pride of the Emperor in every German in
+      Germany, or anywhere on the face of the globe. There is none of the
+      &ldquo;Hello, Bill!&rdquo; such as we have in America, when the President drives
+      through his people, many of whom yell, &ldquo;Hello, Teddy!&rdquo; while he shows his
+      teeth, and laughs, and stands up in his carriage, and says, &ldquo;Hello, Mike,&rdquo;
+       as he recognizes an acquaintance. But these same &ldquo;Hello, Bill,&rdquo; Americans
+      are probably just as loyal to their chief, whoever he may be, and would
+      fight as hard as the loving Germans would for their hereditary Emperor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose there is somebody working in Berlin, but it seems to us that the
+      whole population, so far as can be seen, is bent on enjoying every minute,
+      walking the streets, in good clothes, giving military salutes, and
+      drinking beer between meals, and talking about what Germany would do to an
+      enemy if the ever-present chip on the shoulder should be knocked off, even
+      accidentally. But they all seem to love America, and when we registered at
+      the hotel, from Milwaukee, Wis., U. S. A., citizens began to gather around
+      us and ask about relatives at our home. They seem to think that every
+      German who has settled in Milwaukee owns a brewery, and that all are rich,
+      and that some day they will come back to Germany and spend the money, and
+      fight for the Emperor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We did not have the heart to tell them that all the Germans in Milwaukee
+      were going to stay there and spend their money, and while their hearts
+      were still warm towards the Fatherland, they loved the Stars and Stripes,
+      and would fight for the American flag, against the world, and that the
+      younger Germans spoke the German language, if it all, with a Yankee
+      accent. Gee, but wouldn't the people of Berlin be hot under the collar if
+      they knew how many Germans in America were unfamiliar with the make-up of
+      the German flag, and that they only see it occasionally when some
+      celebration of German days takes place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, when dad saw the German Emperor drive down the great street, and got
+      a look at his face, he said, &ldquo;Hennery, I have got to see that young man
+      and advise him to go and consult a doctor,&rdquo; and so we made arrangements to
+      go to the Palace and see the Emperor and his son, the Crown Prince, who
+      will before long take the empire on his shoulders, if William is as sick
+      as he looks. You don't have to hire any masquerade clothes to call on the
+      Emperor of Germany, like you do when you visit royalty in Turkey and
+      Egypt, for a good frock coat and a silk hat will take you anywhere in the
+      day time, and a swallowtail is legal tender at night; so dad put on his
+      frock coat and silk hat, just as he would to go and attend an afternoon
+      wedding at home, and we were ushered in to a regular parlor, where the
+      Emperor was having fun with his children, and the Empress was doing some
+      needlework.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad supposed we would have to talk to the Emperor and the Prince through
+      an interpreter, and we stood there waiting for some one to break the ice,
+      when some one told the Emperor that an American gentleman and his boy
+      wanted to pay their respects, and the Emperor, who wore an ordinary dark
+      suit, with no military frills, took one of the young Princes he had been
+      playing with across his knee and gave him a couple of easy spanks, in fun,
+      and the whole family was laughing, and the spanked boy &ldquo;tackled&rdquo; the
+      Emperor around the legs, below the knee, like a football player, and the
+      other Princes pulled him off, and the Emperor came up to dad, smiling as
+      though he was having the time of his life, and spoke to dad in the purest
+      English, and said he was glad to see the &ldquo;Bad Boy&rdquo; man, because he had
+      read all about the pranks of the Bad Boy, and bid dad welcome to Germany,
+      and he didn't look sick at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0091" id="linkimage-0091">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/357.jpg"
+       alt="And So This is the Champion Little Devil of America 357 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad was taken all of a heap, and didn't know what to make of the German
+      Emperor talking English, but when the ruler of Germany turned to me and
+      said, &ldquo;And so this is the champion little devil of America,&rdquo; and patted me
+      on the head, dad felt that he had struck a friend of the family, and he
+      sat down with the Emperor and talked for half an hour, while the young
+      Princes gathered around me, and we sat down on the floor and the boys got
+      out their knives, and we played mumbletypeg on the carpet, just as though
+      we were at home, and all the boys talked English, and we had a bully time.
+      The princes had all read &ldquo;Peck's Bad Boy&rdquo; and I think the Emperor and
+      Empress have encouraged them in their wickedness, for the boys told me of
+      several tricks they had played on their father, the Emperor, which they
+      had copied from the Bad Boy, and it made me blush when they told of
+      initiating their father into the Masons, the way my chum and I initiated
+      dad into the Masons with the aid of a goat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked the boys how their dad took it, and told them from what we in
+      America heard about the Emperor of Germany, we would think he would kill
+      anybody that played a trick on him; but they said he would stand anything
+      from the children, and enjoy it; but if grown men attempted to monkey with
+      him, the fur would fly. The Crown Prince came in and was introduced to me,
+      and he seemed proud to see me, cause his uncle, Prince Henry, had told him
+      about being in Milwaukee, and how all the women in that town were the
+      handsomest he had ever seen in his trip around the world, and he asked me
+      if it was so. I referred him to dad, and dad told him the women were the
+      greatest in the world, and then dad made his usual break. He said: &ldquo;Look
+      ahere, Mister Prince, you have got to be married some day, and raise a
+      family to hand the German empire down to, and my advice to you is not to
+      let them saw off on to you no duchess or princess as homely as a hedge
+      fence, with no ginger in her blood, but you skip out to America, and come
+      to Milwaukee, and I will introduce you to girls that are so handsome they
+      will make you toe the mark, and if you marry one of them she will raise a
+      family of healthy young royalty with no humor in the blood, and you won't
+      have to go off and be gay away from home, cause an American wife will take
+      you by the ear if you show any signs of wandering from your own fireside,
+      like lots of your relatives have done.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Gee, but that made the Emperor hot, and he said dad needn't instill any of
+      his American ideas into the German nobility, as he could run things all
+      right without any help, and dad got ready to go, cause the atmosphere was
+      getting sort of chilly, but the Emperor soon got over his huff, and told
+      dad not to hurry, and then he turned to me and said, &ldquo;Now, little American
+      Bad Boy, what kind of a trick are you going to play on me, 'cause from
+      what I have read of you I know you will never go out of this house without
+      giving me a benefit, and all my boys expect it, and will enjoy it, the
+      same as I will; now, let 'er go.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I felt that it was up to me to do something to maintain the reputation I
+      had made, so I said, &ldquo;Your majesty, I will now proceed to make it
+      interesting for you, if you and the boys will kindly be seated in a circle
+      around me.&rdquo; They got into a circle, all laughing, and I took out of my
+      pistol pocket a half pint flask, of glass, covered with leather, and with
+      a stopper that opened by touching a spring, and I walked around in front
+      of each one of the Royal family, mumbling, &ldquo;Ene-mene-mony-my,&rdquo; and opening
+      the flask in front of each one, and pretty soon they all began to get
+      nervous, and scratch themselves, and the Emperor slapped his leg, and
+      pinched his arm, and put his fingers down his collar and scratched his
+      neck, and the Crown Prince jumped up and kicked his leg, and scratched his
+      back, and said, &ldquo;Say, kid, you are not hypnotizing us, are you?&rdquo; and I
+      said, &ldquo;Ene-meny-mony-my,&rdquo; and kept on touching the stopper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By and by they all got to scratching, and the Emperor turned sort of pale,
+      but he was going to see the show through to the end, as long as he had a
+      ticket, and he said, &ldquo;What is the joke, anyway?&rdquo; and I kept on saying,
+      &ldquo;Ene-mene-mony-my,&rdquo; and walking around in front of them, and dad began to
+      dance around, too, and dig under his shirt bosom, and scratch his leg, and
+      then they all scratched in unison, and laughed, and a little prince asked
+      how long before they would know what it was all about, and I said my
+      ene-mene, and looked solemn, and dad said, &ldquo;What you giving us?&rdquo; and I
+      said, &ldquo;Never you mind; this is my show, and I am the whole push,&rdquo; and
+      everybody had raised up out of his chair and each was scratching for all
+      that was out, and finally the Emperor said, &ldquo;I like a joke as well as
+      anybody, but I can't laugh until I know what I am laughing about,&rdquo; and he
+      told dad to make me show what was in the bottle, and I showed the bottle
+      and there was nothing in it, and there they stood scratching themselves,
+      and I told dad we better excuse ourselves and go, and we were going all
+      right enough when dad said, &ldquo;What is it you are doing?&rdquo; and as we got
+      almost to the door I said, &ldquo;Your majesty, I have distributed, impartially,
+      I trust, in the Royal family of Germany, a half a pint of the hungriest
+      fleas that Egypt can produce, for they have been in that flask three
+      weeks, with nothing to eat except themselves, and I estimate that there
+      were a million Cairo fleas in the flask, enough to set up housekeeping in
+      your palace, with enough to stock the palace of your Crown Prince when he
+      is married, and this is that you may remember the visit of Peck's Bad Boy
+      and his Dad.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0092" id="linkimage-0092">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/364.jpg"
+       alt="Dad Leaned Against a Lamp Post and Scratched his Back 364 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Emperor was mad at first, but he laughed, and when we got out of the
+      palace dad leaned against a lamp post and scratched his back, and said to
+      me, &ldquo;Hennery, you never ought to have did it,&rdquo; and I said, &ldquo;What could a
+      poor boy do when called upon suddenly to do something to entertain
+      royalty?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; says dad, &ldquo;I don't care for myself, but this thing is apt to bring
+      on international complications,&rdquo; and I said, &ldquo;Yes, it will bring Persia
+      into it, cause they will have to use Persian insect powder to get rid of
+      them,&rdquo; and then we went to our hotel and fought fleas all night, and
+      thought of the sleepless night the royal family were having.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, so long, old Pummernickel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your only,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels&mdash;He and Dad see the Field
+     of Waterloo and call on King Leopold and Dad and the King go
+     in for a Swim&mdash;The Bad Boy, a Dog and some Goats do the
+     rest.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Brussels, Belgium.&mdash;Dear Old Skate: &ldquo;What is the matter with our
+      going to Belgium?&rdquo; said dad to me, as we were escaping from Germany.
+      &ldquo;Well, what in thunder do we want to go to Belgium for?&rdquo; said I to dad. &ldquo;I
+      do not want to go to a country that has no visible means of support,
+      except raising Belgian hares, to sell to cranks in America. I couldn't eat
+      rabbits without thinking I was chewing a piece of house cat, and rabbits
+      is the chief food of the people. I have eaten horse and mule in Paris, and
+      wormy figs in Turkey, and embalmed beef fried in candle grease in Russia,
+      and sausage in Germany, imported from the Leutgart sausage factory in
+      Chicago, where the man run his wife through a sausage machine; and stuff
+      in Egypt, with ground mummy for curry powder, but I draw the line on
+      Belgian hares, and I strike right here, and shall have the International
+      Union of Amalgamated Tourists declare a boycott on Belgium, by gosh,&rdquo; said
+      I, just like that, bristling up to dad real spunky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You are going to Belgium all right,&rdquo; said dad, as he took hold of my
+      thumb in a Jiu Jitsu fashion, and twisted it backwards until I fairly
+      penuked, and held it, while he said he should never dare go home without
+      visiting King Leopold's kingdom, and had a talk with an eighty-year-old
+      male flirt, who had a thousand chorus girls on his staff, and could give
+      the Sultan of Turkey cards and spades and little casino in the harem game.
+      &ldquo;You will go along, won't you, bub?&rdquo; and he gave my thumb another twist,
+      and I said, &ldquo;You bet your life, but I won't do a thing to you and Leopold
+      before we get out of the Belgian hare belt,&rdquo; and so here we are, looking
+      for trouble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is strange we never hear more about Belgium in America, but actually I
+      never heard of a Belgian settling in the United States. There are Irish,
+      and Germans, and Norwegians, and Italians, and men of all other countries,
+      but I never saw a Belgian until to-day, and it does you good to see a
+      people who don't do anything but work. There is not a loafer in Belgium,
+      and every man has smut on his nose, and his hands are black with handling
+      iron, or something. There is no law against people going away from
+      Belgium, but they all like it here, and seem to think there is no other
+      country, and they are happy, and work from choice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Began to sell dad relics of the Battle of Waterloo.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I always knew the Belgian guns that sell in America for twelve shillings,
+      and kill at both ends, but I never knew they made things here that were
+      worth anything, but dad says they are better fixed here for making
+      everything used by civilized people than any country on earth, and I am
+      glad to be here, cause you get notice when you are going to be robbed.
+      They ring a bell here every minute to give you notice that some one is
+      after the coin, so when you hear a bell ring, if you hang onto your
+      pocketbook, you don't lose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the place where &ldquo;There was a sound of revelry at night, and
+      Belgium's capitol had gathered there.&rdquo; You remember, the night before the
+      Battle of Waterloo, when Napoleon Bonaparte got his. You must remember
+      about it, old man, just when they were right in the midst of the dance,
+      and &ldquo;soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again,&rdquo; and they were
+      taking a champagne bath, inside and out, when suddenly the opening guns of
+      Waterloo, twelve miles away, began to boom, and the poet, who was present,
+      said, &ldquo;But hush, hark, a deep sound like a rising knell,&rdquo; and everybody
+      turned pale and began to stampede, when the floor manager said, &ldquo;'Tis but
+      the wind, or the car on the stony street, on with the dance, let joy be
+      unconfined, no sleep till morn, when youth and pleasure meet, to chase the
+      glowing hours with flying feet.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, this is the place where that ball took place, which is
+      described in the piece I used to speak in school, but I never thought I
+      would be here, right where the dancers got it in the neck. When dad found
+      that the battlefield of Waterloo was only a few miles away, he hired a
+      wagon and we went out there. Well, sir, of all the frauds we have run
+      across on this trip the battlefield of Waterloo is the worst. When the
+      farmers who are raising barley and baled hay on the battlefield, saw us
+      coming, they dropped their work and made a rush for us, and one fellow
+      yelled something in the Belgian language that sounded like, &ldquo;I saw them
+      first,&rdquo; and he got hold of dad and me, and the rest stood off like a lot
+      of hack drivers that have seen a customer fall into the hands of another
+      driver, and made up faces at us, and called the farmer who had caught us
+      the vilest names. They said we would be skinned to a finish by the faker
+      who got us, and they were right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0093" id="linkimage-0093">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/368.jpg" alt="368 Began to Sell Things To Dad "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He showed us from a high hill, where the different portions of the battle
+      were fought, and where they caught Napoleon Bonaparte, and where Blucher
+      came up and made things hum in the German language, and then he took us
+      off to his farm where the most of the relics were found, and began to sell
+      things to dad, until he had filled the hind end of the wagon with bullets
+      and grape-shot, sabres and bayonets, old rusty rifles, and everything dad
+      wanted, and we had enough to fill a museum, and when the farmer had got
+      dad's money we went back to Brussels, and got our stuff unloaded at the
+      hotel. Say, when we came to look it over we found two rusty Colt's
+      revolvers, and guns of modern construction, which have been bought on
+      battlefields in all countries, and properly rusted to sell to tourists. I
+      showed dad that the revolver was unknown at the time of the battle of
+      Waterloo, and that every article he had bought was a fraud, the sabers
+      having been made in America, before the war of the rebellion, and dad was
+      mad, and gave the stuff to the porter of the hotel, who charged dad seven
+      dollars for taking it away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad kept one three-cornered hat that the farmer told him Bonaparte lost
+      when his horse stampeded with him, and it drifted under a barbed wire
+      fence, where it had lain until the day before we visited the battlefield.
+      Say, that hat is as good as new, and dad says it is worth all the stuff
+      cost, but I would not be found dead wearing it, cause it is all out of
+      style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have seen the King of Belgium, and actually got the worth of our money.
+      He is an old dandy, and looks like a Philadelphia Quaker, only he is not
+      as pious as a Quaker. Dad wrote to the King and said he was a
+      distinguished American, traveling for his health, and had a niece who had
+      frequently visited Belgium with an opera company, and she had spoken of
+      the King, and dad wanted to talk over matters that might be of interest
+      both to Belgium and to America. Well, the messenger came back and said dad
+      couldn't get to the palace a minute too quick, and so we went over, and as
+      we were going through the park we saw an old man, in citizen's clothes,
+      sitting on a bench, patting the head of a boar hound, and when he saw us
+      he said, &ldquo;Come here, Uncle Sam, and let my dog chew your pants.&rdquo; Dad
+      thought it must be some lunatic, and was going to make a sneak, and get
+      out, when the man rose up and we saw it was the King, and we went up to
+      him and sat down on the bench, and he asked dad if he had come as the
+      relative of the opera singer, to commence suit against the King for breach
+      of promise, or to settle for a money consideration, remarking that he had
+      always rather pay cash than to have any fuss made about these little
+      matters. Dad told him he had no claim against him for alienating anybody's
+      affections, or for breach of promise, and that all he wanted was to have a
+      little talk with the King, and find out how a King lived, and how he had
+      any fun in running the king business, at his age, and they sat down and
+      began to talk as friendly as two old chums, while the dog played tag with
+      me. We found that the King was a regular boy, and that instead of his mind
+      being occupied by affairs of state, or his African concessions in the
+      Congo country, where he owns a few million slaves who steal ivory for him,
+      and murder other tribes, he was enjoying life just as he did when he was a
+      barefooted boy, fishing for perch at the old mill pond, and when he
+      mentioned his career as a boy, and his enjoyments, dad told about his
+      youth, and how he never got so much pleasure in after life as he did when
+      he had a stone bruise on his heel, and went off into the woods and cut a
+      tamarack pole and caught sunfish till the cows came home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The King brightened up and told dad he had a pond in the palace grounds,
+      stocked with old-fashioned fish, and every day he took off his shoes and
+      rolled up his pants, and with nothing on but a shirt and pants held up by
+      one suspender of striped bed ticking, he went out in a boat and fished as
+      he did when a boy, with a bent pin for a hook, and he was never so happy
+      as when so engaged, and they could all have their grand functions, and
+      balls, and dinners, and Turkish baths, if they wanted them, but give him
+      the old swimming hole. &ldquo;Me, too,&rdquo; said dad, and as dad looked down into
+      the park he saw a little lake, and dad held up two fingers, just as boys
+      do when they mean to say, &ldquo;Come on, let's go in swimming,&rdquo; and the King
+      said, &ldquo;I'll go you,&rdquo; and they locked arms and started through the woods to
+      the little lake, and the dog and I followed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0094" id="linkimage-0094">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/372.jpg"
+       alt="Dad and Leopold Make a Rush for That Swimming Place 372 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Well, sir, you'd a dide to see dad and Leopold make a rush for that
+      swimming place. The King put his hand in the water, and said it was fine,
+      and began to peel his clothes off, and dad took off his clothes and the
+      King made a jump and went in all over, and came up with his eyes full of
+      water, strangling because he did not hold his nose, and then dad made a
+      leap and splashed the water like an elephant had fallen in, and there
+      those two old men were in the lake, just like kids.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0095" id="linkimage-0095">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/378.jpg"
+       alt="I'll Swim You a Match to the Other Side 378 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll swim you a match to the other side,&rdquo; said the King. &ldquo;It's a go,&rdquo;
+       said dad, and they started porpoising across the little lake, and then I
+      thought it was time there was something doing; so I got busy and tied
+      their clothes in knots so tight you couldn't get them untied without an
+      act of parliament. They went ashore on the opposite side of the lake,
+      cause some women were driving through the grounds, and then I found a
+      flock of goats grazing on the lawn, and the dog and I drove them to where
+      the clothes were tied in knots, and when the goats began to chew the
+      clothes I took the dog and went back to the entrance of the park, and dad
+      and the King swam back to where the clothes and the goats were, and when
+      they drove the goats away, and couldn't untie the knots, the King gave the
+      grand hailing sign of distress, or something, and the guards of the palace
+      and some cavalry came on the run, and the park seemed filled with an army,
+      and I bid the dog good-bye, and went back to the hotel alone and waited
+      for dad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0096" id="linkimage-0096">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/375.jpg"
+       alt="When the Goats Began to Chew The Clothes 375 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dad didn't get back till after dark, and when he came he had on a suit of
+      the King's clothes, too tight around the stomach, and too long in the
+      legs, cause dad is pusey, and the King is long-geared. &ldquo;Did you have a
+      good time, dad?&rdquo; says I, and he said, &ldquo;Haven't you got any respect for
+      age, condemn you? The King has ordered that you be fed to the animals in
+      the zoo.&rdquo; I told him I didn't care a darn what they did with me; I had
+      been brought up to tie knots in clothes when I saw people in swimming, and
+      I didn't care whether they were crowned heads or just plain dubs, and I
+      asked dad how they got along when their clothes were chewed up. He said
+      the soldiers covered them with pouches and got them to the palace, and
+      they had supper, he and the King, and the servants brought out a lot of
+      clothes and he got the best fit he could. I asked him if the King was
+      actually mad, and he said no, that he always enjoyed such things, and
+      wanted dad and I to come the next day and go fishing with him, barefooted.
+      Say, dad can go, but I wouldn't be caught by that King on a bet. He would
+      get even, sure, cause he has a look in his eye like they have in a
+      sanitarium. Not any king business for your little Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXX.
+    </h2>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     The Bad Boy's Delayed Letter about Holland and Cuba&mdash;Dad and
+     the Boy go for a Drive in a Dogcart&mdash;They have a Great Time&mdash;
+     Land in Cuba and See the Island t we Fought for.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Havana, Cuba. My Dear Old Greaser: We stopped in Holland for a couple of
+      days after we left Belgium, and it was the most disappointing country we
+      visited on our whole trip. We expected to be walked on with wooden shoes,
+      and from what we had heard of that Duke that married Queen Wilhelmina, we
+      thought we were going to a country where men were cruel to their wives,
+      and swatted them over the head when things didn't go right, but when we
+      saw the queen riding with her husband, as free, from ostentation as a
+      department store clerk would ride out with his cash girl wife, and saw
+      happiness beaming on the face of the queen and her husband, and saw them
+      squeeze hands and look lovingly into each other's eyes, we made up our
+      minds that you couldn't believe these newspaper scandals. And when we saw
+      the broad-shouldered, broad-chested and broad-everywhere women of Holland
+      we concluded that it would be a brave or reckless husband who would be
+      unkind to one of them, and mighty dangerous because the women are stronger
+      than the men, and any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat,
+      because she could take off her wooden shoes and strike out and a man would
+      think he had been hit by a railroad tie.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Illustration: Any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat 388
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not know what makes Hollanders wear wooden shoes, unless they are
+      sentenced to do it, or that they are unruly, and have to be hobbled, to
+      keep them from jumping fences, but the people are so good and honest that
+      after you have met them you forget the vaudeville feature of their
+      costumes, and love them, and wish the people of other countries were as
+      honest as they. For two or three days we were not robbed, and I do not
+      believe there is a dishonest man or woman in Holland, except one. There
+      was one woman that played it on dad in Amsterdam, but I think she only
+      played him for a sucker for a joke, for she laughed all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad was much struck at seeing the women selling milk from little carts,
+      hauled by teams of big dogs, and he negotiated with a woman for a dog team
+      and cart, and all one day dad and I put on wooden shoes, and Dutch clothes
+      and drove the dog team around town, and we had the time of our lives, more
+      fun than I ever had outside of a circus, but the shoes skinned our feet,
+      and when the dogs laid down to rest, and dad couldn't talk dog language to
+      make them get up and go ahead, he kicked the off dog with his wooden shoe,
+      and the dog got up and grabbed a mouthful of dad's ample pants and shook
+      dad till his teeth were loose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0097" id="linkimage-0097">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/386.jpg"
+       alt="Grabbed a Mouthful of Dad's Ample Pants 386 " width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A woman driving another mess of dogs had to come and choke the off dog so
+      he wouldn't swallow dad, pants and all. Dad gave her a dollar for rescuing
+      him, and what do you think? Say, she pulled an old stocking of money out
+      of her bosom and counted out ninety-six cents in change and gave it back
+      to dad, and only charged four cents for saving his life, and that couldn't
+      occur in any other country, cause in most places they would take the
+      dollar and strike him for more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad wanted to take the dog team and cart to Milwaukee to give it to a
+      friend who sells red hot weiners, and so we arranged to have the team
+      loaded on the boat, but just before the boat sailed, the dog team was
+      lying down on the dock, sleeping and scratching flees, when the woman dad
+      bought the team of came along and spoke to the dogs in Dutch, and, say,
+      those dogs woke up and started on a regular runaway down the dock, after
+      the laughing woman, and disappeared up the street. Just as the boat
+      whistled to pull in the gang planks, dad and I stood on deck and saw the
+      team disappear, and dad said, &ldquo;Buncoed again, by gosh, and it is all your
+      condemned fault. Why didn't you hang on to that off dog.&rdquo; Well, we lost
+      our dog team, but we got the worth of our money, for we saw a people who
+      do not eat much beside cabbage and milk, and they are the strongest in the
+      world, and there never was a case of dyspepsia in their country. We saw a
+      people with stone bruises on their heels and corns on their toes, smiling
+      and laughing all the time. We met a people that work all the time, and
+      never take any recreation except churning and rocking babies, and yet
+      never have to call a doctor, because there are no doctors except
+      veterinary surgeons, who care for dogs and cattle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The people we met in Holland wear wooden shoes to teach them patience and
+      humility. With wooden shoes no frenzied financier of Holland will ever
+      travel the fast road of speculation, slip on a bucket-shop banana peel,
+      and fall on the innocent bystander who has coughed up his savings and
+      given them to the honest financier to safely invest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The bank of Holland is an old woolen stock ing, and money never comes out
+      of the stocking unless there is a string to it, and the string is the
+      heart string of an honest people, that will stand no trifling. If a
+      dishonest financier came to Holland from any other country, and did any of
+      his dirty work, the women of Holland, who handle the funds, would give him
+      such a hazing that he would never open his three-card monte lay-out in any
+      other country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a country where you get the right change back, and the cows give
+      eighteen carat milk, and the hens have not learned to lay small, cold
+      storage eggs. It is the country for me, if the women would wear corsets,
+      and not be the same size all the way down, so that if you hugged a girl
+      you wouldn't make a dent in her, that would not come out until she got her
+      breath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And we left such a country and such a people, to come here to Cuba, where
+      the population now comprises the meanest features of the desperate and
+      wicked Spaniards, beaten at their own game of loot, the trickiness of the
+      native Cuban, flushed with pride because his big American brother helped
+      him to drive away the Spaniard that he could never have gotten rid of
+      alone, and with no respect for the American who helped, and only meets him
+      respectfully because he is afraid of being thrown into the ocean if he is
+      impudent, and the worst class of Yankee grafters and highway robbers that
+      have ever been allowed to stray away from the land of the free. That is
+      what Cuba is to-day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soulless Yankee corporations have got hold of most of the branches of
+      business that there is any money in, and the things that do not pay and
+      never can be made to pay, are for sale to tenderfeet. The cuban hates the
+      Yankee, the Yankee hates the Cuban, and the Spaniard hates both, and both
+      hate him. In Havana your hotel, owned by a Cuban, run by a Yankee, with a
+      Spanish or Portuguese cashier, will take all the money you bring into it
+      for a bed at night, and hold your baggage till your can cable for money to
+      buy breakfast. It is a &ldquo;free country,&rdquo; of course, run by men who will fly
+      high as long as they can borrow money for some one else to pay after they
+      are dead, but within ten years the taxes will eat the people so they will
+      be head over heels in debt to the Yankee and the Spaniard, the German and
+      the Englishman, the Frenchman and the Italian, and some day warships will
+      sail into Havana harbor, over the submerged bones of the &ldquo;Maine,&rdquo; and
+      there will be a fight for juicy morsels of the Cuban dead horse, by the
+      congregated buzzards of strange navies, unless they shall shake the dice
+      for the carcass, and by carefully loading the dice saw the whole thing off
+      on to Uncle Sam, and make him pay the debts of the deceased republic, and
+      act as administrator for the benefit of the children of the sawed off
+      republic, whose only asset now is climate that feels good, but contains
+      germs of all diseases, and tobacco that smells good when it is in
+      conflagration under your nose, and does not kill instantly if it is pasted
+      up in a Wisconsin wrapper, that is the pure goods. If tobacco ever ceases
+      to be a fad with the rich consumer of fifty-cent cigars, and beet sugar is
+      found to contain no first aid to Bright's disease, Cuba will amount to
+      about as much as Dry Tortugas, which has purer air, and the Isle of Pines,
+      which has more tropical scenery and less yellow fever. But now the Island
+      of Cuba is a joy, and Havana is like Heaven, until you come to pay your
+      bill, when it is hell. Streets so wide you cannot see a creditor on the
+      other side, pavements as smooth as the road to perdition, and tropical
+      trees, plants and flowers, with birds of rare plumage, you feel like
+      sitting on a cold bench in the shade, and wishing all your friends were
+      here to enjoy a taste of what will come to those who are truly good, in
+      the hereafter, when suddenly you are taken with a chill up the spinal
+      column, and a cold sweat comes out on the forehead, and the internal
+      arrangements go on a strike because of the cold, perspiring cucumber you
+      had for lunch, and you go to the doctor, who does not do a thing to you,
+      but scare you out of your boots by talking of cholera, and giving you the
+      card of his partner, the undertaker, telling you never to think of dying
+      in a tropical country without being embalmed, because you look so much
+      better when you are delivered at your home by the express company, and
+      then he gives you pills and a bill, and an alarm clock that goes off every
+      hour to take a pill by, and furnishes you an officer to go home to your
+      hotel with you to collect his bill, and you pawn your watch and sleeve
+      buttons for a steerage ticket to New York, where you arrive as soon as the
+      Lord will let you, and stay as long as He thinks is good for you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dad has not been much good in Havana, cause he wanted to see the whole
+      business in one day. He got a row boat and went out in the harbor to where
+      the back-bone of the &ldquo;Maine&rdquo; acts as a monument to the fellows who yet
+      sleep in the mud of the bottom, and after tying a little American flag on
+      the rigging that sticks up above the water, and damning the villains who
+      blew up the good ship, we went back to town and drove out to the cemetery
+      where several hundred of our boys are buried, where we left flowers on the
+      graves and a cuss in the balmy air for the guilty wretches who fired the
+      bomb, and then we went back to the city and walked the beautiful streets,
+      until dad began to have cramps, from trying to eat all the fruit he could
+      hold, and then it was all off, and I was going to call a carriage to take
+      him to the hotel, when dad saw a negro astride a single ox, hitched to a
+      cart, who had come in from the country, and dad said he wanted to ride in
+      that cart, if it was the last act of his life, and as dad was beginning to
+      swell up from the fruit he had eaten, I thought he better ride in an open
+      cart, cause in a carriage he might swell up so we couldn't get him out of
+      the door when we got to the hotel, so I hired the negro, got dad in the
+      cart, and we started, but the ox walked so slow I was afraid we would
+      never get dad there alive, so I told the negro dad had the cholera, and
+      that settled, for he kicked the slats of the ox in with his heels, and the
+      ox bellowed and run away, and the negro turned pale from fright, and I
+      guess the runaway ride on the cobble stone pavement was what saved dad's
+      life, for the swelling in dad's inside began to go down, and when we got
+      to the hotel he got out of the cart alone, and I knew he was better, for
+      he shook himself, gulluped up wind, and said, &ldquo;You think you are smart,
+      don't you?&rdquo; So I will close.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hennery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="linkimage-0098" id="linkimage-0098">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:60%">
+      <img src="images/382.jpg" alt="The Ox Bellowed and Run Away 382 "   width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
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+</pre>
+  </body>
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