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diff --git a/25488-0.txt b/25488-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fae9e85 --- /dev/null +++ b/25488-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4484 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Grocery Man And Peck's Bad Boy, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Grocery Man And Peck's Bad Boy + Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2 - 1883 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25488] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GROCERY MAN AND PECK'S BAD BOY *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +THE GROCERY MAN AND PECK'S BAD BOY. + +Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2 + +By George W. Peck + +1883 + +[Illustration: Cover] + +[Illustration: frontispiece] + +[Illustration: titlepage] + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHAPTER I. + +VARIEGATED DOGS--THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE ROOF--A MAN DOESN'T +KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT--THE OLD MAN WANTS SOME POLLYNURIOUS +WATER--THE DYER'S DOGS--PROCESSION OF THE DOGS--PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND +WHITE--“WELL, I'M DEM'd”--HIS PA DON'T APPRECIATE. + + +CHAPTER II. + +HIS PA PLAYS JOKES--A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE--THE MAGIC +BOUQUET--THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN--HIS PA TRIES THE BOUQUET AT +CHURCH--ONE FOR THE OLD MAID--A FIGHT ENSUES--THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE +GROCERY man--A COMPROMISE. + + +CHAPTER III. + +HIS PA STABBED--THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN VAIN--A BOOM IN +LINIMENT--HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY SHOW--THE BAD BOY TURNS +BURGLAR--THE OLD MAN STABBED--HIS ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY--A GOOD SINGLE +HANDED LIAR. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +HIS PA BUSTED--THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK--WHAT'S A BILK?--THE PIOUS +BILK--THE OLD MAN INVESTS--THE DEACONS AND EVEN THE HIRED GIRLS +INVEST--HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR ONE--GETTING A MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES. + + +CHAPTER V. + +HIS PA AND DYNAMITE--THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER STOCK--FENIAN +SCARE--“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE--THE FENIAN BOOM--“GREAT GOD, MANNER! +WE ARE BLOWED UP!”--HIS MA HAS LOTS OF SAND--THE OLD MAN USELESS IN +TROUBLE--THE DOG AND THE FALSE TEETH + + +CHAPTER VI. + +HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN--THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY ABUSED--HE GETS +HOT--BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE GREASE--THE OLD MAN WEARS ORANGE +ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY--HE HAS TO RUN FOR HIS LIFE--THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY +SCHOOL--INGERSOLL AND BEECHER VOTED OUT--MARY HAD A LAMB + + +CHAPTER VII. + +HIS MA DECEIVES HIM--THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF SAFFRON--“WELL, IT'S A +GIRL, IF YOU MUST KNOW”--THE BAD BOY IS GRIEVED AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION-- +“SH-H-H TOOTSY GO TO SLEEP”--“BY LOW, BABY”--THAT SETTLED IT WITH +THE CAT--A BABY! BAH! IT MAKES ME TIRED + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE BABY AND THE GOAT. THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER WILL BE A FIRE +ENGINE--“OLD NUMBER TWO”--BABY REQUIRES GOAT MILK--? THE GOAT IS +FRISKY--TAKES TO EATING ROMAN CANDLES--THE OLD MAN, THE HIRED GIRL, AND +THE GOAT--THE BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER IN A LIVERY STABLE + + +CHAPTER IX. + +A FUNERAL PROCESSION--THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES--“YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE +MINISTER”--AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL--THE MINISTER TAKES THE LINES--AN +EARTHQUAKE--AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE WAS OVER--THE POLICEMAN FANS THE +MINISTER--A MINISTER SHOULD HAVE SENSE + + +CHAPTER X. + +THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH. THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BAD BOY HAVE +A FUSS--THE BOHEMIAN BAND--THE BAD BOY ORGANIZES A SERENADE--“BABY +MINE”--THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT--THE BOHEMIANS CREATE A FAMINE--THE Y. M. C. +A. ANNOUNCEMENT + + +CHAPTER XI. + +GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES--THE GROCERY MAN IS DECEIVED--THE BAD +BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING--GOES INTO THE COLORING BUSINESS--THE OLD MAN +THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED--UNCLE TOM AND TOPSY--THE OLD MAN ARRESTED--WHAT +THE GROCERY MAN THINKS--THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE--RESOLVES TO +BE GOOD + + +CHAPTER XII. + +THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER--THE BAD BOY TRIES TO LEAD A DIFFERENT +LIFE--MURDER IN THE AIR--THE OLD MAN AND HIS FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES +AWAY--DREADFUL STORIES OF THEIR WICKED YOUTH--THE CHICKEN COOP +INVADED--THE OLD MAN TO THE RESCUE--THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED. THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE--A POOR +FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY--PROVES HIMSELF A GALLANT +KNIGHT--THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S COURAGE--THE GROCERY MAN +MORALIZES--FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE--THE TABLES TURNED--THE OLD MAN +WEARS THE BOY'S OLD CLOTHES + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES--THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT THE Y. +M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN--THE DELEGATES FLOOD THEMSELVES WITH SODA +WATER--TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA--THE NIGHT KEY--THE FALL OF THE +FLOWER STAND--DELEGATES IN THE CELLAR ALL NIGHT--THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS +WORKING HIS REFORMATION + + +CHAPTER XV. + +HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA--ENTERS THE DRAMATIC +PROFESSION--“WHAT'S A SUPER”--THE PRIVILEGES OF A SUPE'S FATHER--BEHIND +THE SCENES--THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED WITH MC'CULLOUGH--“IWAS THE +POPULACE.”--PLAYS IT ON HIS SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--“I PRITHEE, AU +RESERVOIR, I GO HENS!” + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT. UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD BOY TO +BACKSLIDE--UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS--THEIR RECORD IS +AWFUL--KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE--THE BED SLATS FIXED--THE +OLD MAN TANGLED UP--THIS WORLD IS NOT RUN RIGHT--UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM +TIRED + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK--THE GARDEN OF +EDEN--THE ANCIENT DUDE--ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT ON--“I'M A THINKER FROM +THINKERSVILLE”--THE APOSTLES IN A PATROL WAGON--ELIJAH AND ELISHA--THE +PRODIGAL SON--A VEAL POT PIE FOR DINNER + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +THE DEPARTED ROOSTER. THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON DEATH--THE DEAD +ROOSTER--A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH--THE TENDERNESS BETWEEN THE ROOSTER +AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN--THE HEN RETIRES TO SET--THE CHICKENS--THE PROUD +ROOSTER DIES--THE FICKLE HEN FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN--UNCLE EZRA RETURNS--THE BASKET ON THE +STEPS--THE ANONYMOUS LETTER--“O, BROTHER THAT I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS +DAY!”--AN UGLY DUTCH BABY--THE OLD MAN WHEELS THE BABY NOW--A FROG IN +THE OLD MAN'S BED + + +CHAPTER XX. + +FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES. TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL POCKET--THE GROCERY +MAN'S CAT THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL--ASLEEP ON THE FOURTH OF +JULY--GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE SOLDIER'S HOME--TERRIBLE. FOURTH OF JULY +MISADVENTURES--THE GIRL WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +WORKING ON SUNDAY. TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY--“NOT ANY GRINDSTONE +FOR HENNERY!”--THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT--ANOTHER JOB ON THE OLD +MAN--HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT MIXED--THE NUMEROUS FUNERALS--THE +MINISTER APPEARS--THE BAD BOY GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED. THE OLD MAN BEGINS DRINKING AGAIN--THINKS +BETTING IS HARMLESS--HAD TO WALK HOME FROM CHICAGO--THE SPECTACLES +CHANGED--A SMALL SUIT OF CLOTHES--THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED--“HENNERY, +YOUR PA IS A MIGHTY SICK MAN”--THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +THE GROCERY MAN AND THE GHOST. GHOSTS DON'T STEAL WORMY FIGS--A GRAND +REHEARSAL--THE MINISTER MURDERS HAMLET--THE WATER MELON KNIFE--THE OLD +MAN WANTED TO REHEARSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE--NO HUGGING +ALLOWED--HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS--“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN +IDIOT?” + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG--THE BAD BOY WITH A DOG AND A BLACK +EYE--WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?--ANGELS DON'T BREAK DOGS' LEGS--A WOMAN +WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO SHOW WITH ST. PETER--ANOTHER BURGLAR +SCARE--THE GROCERY DELIVERY MAN SCARED + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL--WHY IS LETTUCE LIKE A GIRL?--KING SOLOMON +A FOOL--THINK OF ANY SANE MAN HAVING A THOUSAND WIVES--HE WOULD HAVE +TO HAVE TWO HOTELS DURING VACATION--300 BLONDES--600 BRUNETTES, ETC.--A +THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE CREAM--“I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS THOUSAND” + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A DEACON--HE KNOWS +WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH--HOW THE DEACON MADE HIM FLAX AROUND--AND HOW HE +MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR--THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT HENNERY'S +RESIGNATION--HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES--HIS CHUM JOINS HIM--THE +SKUNK IN THE CELLAR--THE POOR BOY GETS THE “AGER.” + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + VARIEGATED DOGS--THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE KOOP--A MAN + DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT--THE OLD MAN WANTS + SOME POLLYNURIOUS WATER--THE DYER'S DOGS--PROCESSION OP THE + DOGS--PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND WHITE--“WELL I'M DEM'D--HIS PA + DON'T APPRECIATE. + +“How do you and your Pa get along now,” asked the grocery-man of the bad +boy, as he leaned against the counter instead of sitting down on a stool +while he bought a bottle of liniment. + +“O, I don't know. He don't seem to appreciate me. What he ought to have +is a deaf and dumb boy, with only one leg, and both arms broke--then he +could enjoy a quiet life. But I am too gay for Pa, and you needn't be +surprised if you never see me again. I talk of going off with a circus. +Since I played the variegated dogs on Pa, there seems to have been a +coldness in the family, and I sleep on the roof. + +“Variegated dogs,” said the store keeper, “what kind of a game is that? +You have not played another Daisy trick on your Pa, have you?” + +“Oh, no, it was nothing of that kind. You know Pa thinks he is smart. He +thinks because he is forty-eight years old he knows it all; but it +don't seem to me as though a man of his age, that had sense, would let +a tailor palm off on him a pair of pants so tight that he would have to +use a button-hook to button them; but they can catch him on everything, +just as though he was a kid smoking cigarettes. Well, you know Pa drinks +some. That night the new club opened he came home pretty fruitful, and +next morning his head ached so he said he would buy me a dog if I would +go down town and get a bottle of pollynurious water for him. You know +that dye house on Grand avenue, where they have got the four white spitz +dogs. When I went after the penurious water, I noticed they had been +coloring their dogs with the dye stuff, and I put up a job with the dye +man's little boy to help me play it on Pa. They had one dog dyed pink, +another blue, another red, and another green, and I told the boy I would +treat him to ice cream if he would let one out at a time, when I came +down with Pa, and call him in and let another out, and when we started +to go away, to let them all out. What I wanted to do was to paralyze Pa, +and make him think he had got 'em, got dogs the worst way. So, about ten +o'clock when his head got cleared off, and his stomach got settled, he +changed ends with his cuffs, and we came down town, and I told him I +knew where he could get a splendid white spitz dog for me, for five +dollars; and if he would get it, I would never do anything disrespectful +again, and would just sit up nights to please him, and help him up +stairs and get seltzer for him. So we went by the dye house, and just as +I told him I didn't want anything but a white dog, the door opened, and +the pink dog came out and barked at us, and I said 'that's him' and the +boy called him back. Pa looked as though he had the colic, and his eyes +stuck out, and he said 'Hennery, that is a pink dog?' and I said 'no, it +is a white dog, Pa,' and just then the green dog came out, and I asked +Pa if it wasn't a pretty white dog, and and he turned pale and said +'hell, boy, that is a green dog--what's got into the dogs?' I told him +he must be color blind, and was feeling in my pocket for a strap to tie +the dog, and telling him he must be careful of his health or he would +see something worse than green dogs, when the green dog went in, and the +blue dog came rushing out and barked at Pa. Well, Pa leaned against a +tree box, and his eyes stuck out like stops on an organ, and the sweat +was all over his face in drops as big as kernels of hominy. + +“I think a boy ought to do everything he can to make it pleasant for his +Pa, don't _you_. And yet some parents don't realize what a comfort a boy +is. The blue dog was called in, and just as Pa wiped the perspiration +off his forehead, and rubbed his eyes and put on his specks, the red +maroon dog came out. Pa acted as if he was tired, and sat down on a +horse block. Dogs _do_ make some people tired, don't they? He took hold +of my hand, and his hand trembled just as though he was putting a gun +wad in the collection plate at church, and he said, 'My son, tell me +truly, is that a red dog?'” + +[Illustration: Well I'm dem'd 014] + +“A fellow has got to lie a little if he is going to have any fun with +his Pa, and I told him it was a white dog, and I could get it for five +dol-dars. He straightened up just as the dog went into the house, and +said 'Well, I'm dem'd;' and just then the boy let all the dogs out and +sicked them on a cat, which ran up a shade tree right near Pa, and they +rushed all around us--the blue dog going between his legs, and the green +dog trying to climb the tree, and the pink dog barking, and the red dog +standing on his hind feet. + +“Pa was weak as a cat, and told me to go right home with him, and he +would buy me a bicycle. He asked me how many dogs there were, and what +was the color of them. I s'pose I did awful wrong, but I told him there +was only one dog, and a cat, and the dog was white. + +“Well, sir, Pa acted just as he did the night Hancock was beat, and he +had to have the doctor to give him something to quiet him (the time he +wanted me to go right down town and buy a hundred rat traps, but the +doctor said never mind, I needn't go). I took him home and Ma soaked +his feet, and give him some ginger tea, and while I was gone after the +doctor he asked Ma if she ever saw a green dog. + +“That was what made all the trouble. If Ma had kept her mouth shut I +would have been all right, but she up and told him that they had a green +dog, and a blue dog, and all colors of spitz dogs down at the dyers. +They dyed them just for an advertisement, and for him to be quiet and he +would feel better when he got over it. Pa was all right when I got back +and told him the doctor had gone to Wauwatosa, and I had left an order +on his slate. Pa said he would leave an order on my slate. He took a +harness tug and used it for breeching on me. I don't think a boy's Pa +ought to wear a harness on his son, do you? He said he would learn me to +play rainbow dogs on him. He said I was a liar, and he expected to see +me wind up in Congress. Say, is Congress anything like Waupun or Sing +Sing? No, I can't stay, thank you, I must go down to the office and tell +Pa I have reformed, and freeze him out of a circus ticket. He is a a +good enough man, only he don't appreciate a a boy that has got all +the modern improvements. Pa and Ma are going to enter me in the Sunday +school. I guess I'll take first money, don't you?” + +And the bad boy went out with a visible limp, and a look of genius +cramped for want of opportunity. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + HIS PA PLAYS JOKES--A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE--THE + MAGIC BOUQUET--THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN--HIS PA TRIES + THE BOUQUET AT CHURCH--ONE FOR THE OLD MAID--A FIGHT ENSUES-- + THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE GROCERY MAN--A COMPROMISE. + +“Say, do you think a little practical joke does any hurt,” asked the +bad boy of the grocery man, as he came in with his Sunday suit on, and +a bouquet in his button-hole, and pried off a couple of figs from a new +box that had been just opened. + +“No sir,” said the groceryman, as he licked off the syrup that dripped +from a quart measure, from which he had been filling a jug. “I hold +that a man who gets mad at a practical joke, that is, one that does not +injure him, is a fool, and he ought to be shunned by all decent people. +That's a nice bouquet you have in your coat. What is it, pansies? Let me +smell of it,” and the grocery man bent over in front of the boy to take +a whiff at the bouquet. As he did so a stream of water shot out of the +innocent looking bouquet and struck him full in the face, and run down +over his shirt, and the grocery man yelled murder, and fell over a +barrel of axe helves and scythe snaths, and then groped around for a +towel to wipe his face. + +“You condemn skunk,” said the grocery man to the boy, as he took up an +axe-helve and started for him, “what kind of a golblasted squirt gun +have you got there. I will maul you, by thunder,” and he rolled up his +shirt sleeves. + +“There, keep your temper. I took a test vote of you on the subject of +practical jokes, before the machine began to play upon the conflagration +that was raging on your whiskey nose, and you said a man that would get +mad at a joke was a fool, and now I know it. Here, let me show it to +you. There is a rubber hose runs from the bouquet, inside my coat to +my pants pocket, and there is a bulb of rubber, that holds about half a +pint, and when a feller smells of the posey, I squeeze the bulb, and +you see the result. It's fun, where you don't squirt it on a person that +gets mad.” + +The grocery man said he would give the boy half a pound of figs if +he would lend the bouquet to him for half an hour, to play it on a +customer, and the boy fixed it on the grocery man, and turned the nozzle +so it would squirt right back into the grocery man's face. He tried it +on the first customer that come in, and got it right in his own face, +and then the bulb in his pants pocket got to leaking, and the rest of +the water ran down the grocery man's trouser's leg, and he gave it up in +disgust, and handed it back to the boy. + +“How was it your Pa had to be carried home from the sociable in a hack +the other night?” asked the grocery man, as he stood close to the stove +so his pants leg would dry. “He has not got to drinking again, has he?” + +“O, no,” said the boy, as he filled the bulb with vinegar, to practice +on his chum, “It was this bouquet that got Pa into the trouble. You see +I got Pa to smell of it, and I just filled him chuck full of water. +He got mad and called me all kinds of names, and said I was no good on +earth, and I would fetch up in state's prison, and then he wanted to +borrow it to wear to the sociable. He said he would have more fun than +you could shake a stick at, and I asked him if he didn't think he would +fetch up in state's prison, and he said it was different with a man. He +said when a man played a joke there was a certain dignity about it +that was lacking in a boy. So I lent it to him, and we all went to the +sociable in the basement of the church. I never see Pa more kitteny than +he was that night. He filled the bulb with ice water, and the first one +he got to smell of his button-hole bouquet was an old maid who thinks +Pa is a heathen, but she likes to be made something of by anybody that +wears pants, and when Pa sidled up to her and began talking about what a +great work the christian wimmen of the land were doing in educating +the heathen, she felt real good, and then she noticed Pa's posey in his +button-hole and she touched it, and then she reached over her beak to +smell of it. Pa he squeezed the bulb, and about half a teacupful of +water struck her right in the nose, and some went into her strangle +place, and _O, my_, didn't she yell.” + +[Illustration: One for the old maid 022] + +“The sisters gathered around her, and they said her face was all covered +with perspiration, and the paint was coming off, and they took her in +the kitchen, and she told them Pa had slapped her with a dish of ice +cream, and the wimmin told the minister and the deacons, and they went +to Pa for a nexplanation, and Pa told them it was not so, and the +minister got interested and got near Pa, and Pa let the water go at him, +and hit him on the eye, and then a deacon got a dose, and Pa laughed; +and then the minister who used to go to college, and be a hazer, and +box, he got mad and squared off and hit Pa three times right by the eye, +and one of the deacons kicked Pa, and Pa got mad and said he could clean +out the whole shebang, and began to pull off his coat, when they +bundled him out doors, and Ma got mad to see Pa abused, and she left the +sociable, and I had to stay and eat ice cream and things for the whole +family. Pa says that settles it with him. He says they haven't got any +more christian charity in that church than they have in a tannery. His +eyes are just getting over being black from the sparring lessons, and +now he has got to go through oysters and beef-steak cure again. He says +it is all owing to me.” + +“Well, what has all this got to do with your putting up signs in front +of my store, 'Rotten Eggs,' and 'Frowy Butter a specialty,' said the +grocery man as he took the boy by the ear and pulled him around. You +have got an idea you are smart, and I want you to keep away from here. +The next time I catch you in here I shall call the police and have you +pulled. Now git!” + +The boy pulled his ear back on the side of his head where it belonged, +took out a cigarette and lit it, and after puffing smoke in the face of +the grocery cat that was sleeping on the cover to the sugar barrel he +said: + +“If I was a provision pirate that never sold anything but what was +spoiled so it couldn't be sold in a first class store, who cheated in +weights and measures, who bought only wormy figs and decayed cod-fish, +who got his butter from a fat rendering establishment, his cider from +a vinegar factory, and his sugar from a glucose factory, I would not +insult the son of one of the finest families. Why, sir, I could go out +on the corner, and when I saw customers coming here, I could tell a +story that would turn their stomachs, and send them to the grocery on +the next corner. Suppose I should tell them that the cat sleeps in the +dried apple barrel, that the mice made nests in the prune box, and rats +run riot through the raisins, and that you never wash your hands except +on Decoration day and Christmas, that you wipe your nose on your shirt +sleeves, and that you have the itch, do you think your business would be +improved? Suppose I should tell the customers that you buy sour kraut of +a wood-en-shoed Polacker, who makes it of pieces of cabbage that he gets +by gathering swill, and sell that stuff to respectable people, could +you pay your rent? If I should tell them that you put lozengers in the +collection plate at church, and charge the minister forty cents a pound +for oleomargarine, you would have to close up. Old man, I am onto you, +and now you apologize for pulling my ear.” + +The grocery man turned pale during the recital, and finally said the bad +boy was one of the best little fellows in this town, and the boy went +out and hung up a sign in front:-- + + GIRL WANTED + + TO COOK + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + HIS PA STABBED--THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN VAIN--A BOOM + IN LINIMENT--HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY SHOW--THE BAD BOY + TURNS BURGLAR--THE OLD MAN STABBED--HIS ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY-- + A GOOD SINGLE HANDED LIAR. + +“I hear you had burglars over to your house last night,” said the +grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in and sat on the counter right +over a little gimlet hole, where the grocery man had fixed a darning +needle so that by pulling a string the needle would fly up through the +hole and run into the boy about an inch. The grocery man had been laying +for the boy about two days, and now that he had got him right over the +hole the first time, it made him laugh to think how he would make him +jump and yell, and as he edged off and got hold of the string the boy +looked unconscious of impending danger. The grocery man pulled, and the +boy sat still. He pulled again, and again, and finally the boy said: + +“Yes, it is reported that we had burglars over there. O, you needn't +pull that string any more. I heard you was setting a trap for me, and +I put a piece of board inside my pants, and thought I would let you +exercise yourself. Go ahead if it amuses you. It don't hurt me.” + +The grocery man looked sad, and then smiled a sickly sort of a smile, +at the failure of his plan to puncture the boy, and then he said, +“Well, how was it? The policeman didn't seem to know much about the +particulars. He said there was so much deviltry going on at your house +that nobody could tell when anything was serious, and he was inclined to +think it was a put up job.” + +“Now let's have an understanding,” says the boy. “Whatever I say, you +are not to give me away. It's a go, is it? I have always been afraid of +you, because you have a sort of decayed egg look about you. You are like +a peck of potatoes with the big ones on top, a sort of a strawberry +box, with the bottom raised up, so I have thought you would go back on a +fellow. But if you won't give this away, here goes. You see, I heard Ma +tell Pa to bring up another bottle of liniment last night. When Ma corks +herself, or has a pain anywhere, she just uses liniment for all that +is out, and a pint bottle don't last more than a week. Well, I told my +chum, and we laid for Pa. This liniment Ma uses is offul hot, and almost +blisters. Pa went to the Langtry show, and did not get home till eleven +o'clock, and me and my chum decided to teach Pa a lesson. I don't think +it is right for a man to go to the theaters and not take his wife or his +little boy. + +“So we concluded to burgle Pa. We agreed to lay on the stairs, and when +he came up my chum was to hit him on the head with a dried bladder, +and I was to stab him on his breast pocket with a stick, and break the +liniment bottle, and make him think he was killed. + +“It couldn't have worked better if we had rehearsed it. We had talked +about burglars at supper time, and got Pa nervous, so when he came up +stairs and was hit on the head with the bladder, the first thing he said +was 'Burglars, by mighty,' and he started to go back, and I hit him on +the breast pocket, where the bottle was, and then we rushed by him, down +stairs, and I said in a stage whisper, 'I guess he's a dead man,' and we +went down cellar and up the back stairs to my room and undressed.” + +[Illustration: The old man stabbed 030] + +“Pa hollered to Ma that he was murdered, and Ma called me, and I came +down in my night-shirt, and the hired girl she came down, and Pa was on +the lounge, and he said his life-blood was fast ebbing away. He held his +hand on the wound, and said he could feel the warm blood trickling clear +down to his boots. I told Pa to stuff some tar into the wound, such as +he told me to put on my lip to make my mustache grow, and Pa said, 'My +boy, this is no time for trifling. Your Pa is on his last legs. When I +came up stairs I met six burglars, and I attacked them, and forced four +of them down, and was going to hold them and send for the police, when +two more, that I did not know about, jumped on me, and I was getting the +best of them when one of them struck me over the head with a crowbar, +and the other stabbed me to the heart with a butcher knife. I have +received my death wound, my boy, and my hot southern blood, that I +offered up so freely for my country in her time of need, is passing from +my body, and soon your Pa will be only a piece of poor clay. Get some +ice and put on my stomach, and all the way down, for I am burning up.' +I went to the-water pitcher and got a chunk of ice and put inside Pa's +shirt, and while Ma was tearing up an old skirt to stop the flow of +blood, I asked Pa if he felt better, and if he could describe the +villains who had murdered him. Pa gasped and moved his legs to get them +cool from the clotted blood, he said, and he went on, 'One of them was +about six foot high, and had a sandy mustache. I got him down and hit +him on the nose, and if the police find him, his nose will be broke. The +second one was thick set, and weighed about two hundred. I had him down, +and my boot was on his neck, and I was knocking two more down when I was +hit. The thick set one will have the mark of boot heels on his throat. +Tell the police when I'm gone, about the boot heel marks.' + +“By this time Ma had got the skirt tore up, and she stuffed it under +Pa's shirt, right where he said he was hit, and Pa was telling us what +to do to settle his estate, when Ma began to smell the liniment, and +she found the broken bottle in his pocket, and searched Pa for the place +where he was stabbed, and then she began to laugh, and Pa got mad and +said he didn't see as a death-bed scene was such an almighty funny +affair; and then she told him he was not hurt, but that he had fallen on +the stairs and broke his bottle, and that there was no blood on him, +and he said, 'do you mean to tell me my body and legs are not bathed in +human gore?' and then Pa got up and found it was only the liniment. He +got mad and asked Ma why she didn't fly around and get something to take +that liniment off his legs, as it was eating them right through to the +bone; and then he saw my chum put his head in the door, with one gallus +hanging down, and Pa looked at me, and then he said, 'Lookahere, if I +find out it was you boys that put up this job on me, I'll make it so hot +for you that you will think liniment is ice cream in comparison.' I told +Pa it didn't look reasonable that me and my chum could be six burglars, +six feet high, with our noses broke, and boot-heel marks on our neck, +and Pa, he said for us to go to bed alfired quick, and give him a chance +to rinse of that liniment, and we retired. Say, how does my Pa strike +you as a good, single-handed liar?” and the boy went up to the counter, +while the grocery man went after a scuttle of coal. + +In the meantime, one of the grocery man's best customers--a deacon in +the church--had come in and sat down on the counter, over the darning +needle, and as the grocery man came in with the coal, the boy pulled the +string, and went out door and tipped over a basket of rutabagas, while +the deacon got down off the counter with his hand clasped, and anger +in every feature, and told the grocery man he could whip him in two +minutes. The grocery man asked what was the matter, and the deacon +hunted up the source from whence the darning needle came through the +counter, and as the boy went across the street, the deacon and the +grocery man were rolling on the floor, the grocery man trying to hold +the deacon's fists while he explained about the darning needle, and that +it was intended for the boy. How it came out the boy did not wait to +see. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + HIS PA BUSTED--THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK--WHAT'S A BILK?-- + THE PIOUS BILK--THE OLD MAN INVESTS--THE DEACONS AND EVEN + THE HIRED GIRLS INVEST--HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR ONE--GETTING A + MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES. + +“Say, can't I sell you some stock in a silver mine,” asked the bad boy +of the grocery man, as he came in the store and pulled from his breast +pocket a document printed on parchment paper, and representing several +thousand dollars stock in a silver mine. + +“Lookahere,” says the grocery man, as he turned pale, and thought of +telephoning to the police station for a detective, “you haven't been +stealing your father's mining stock, have you? Great heavens, it has +come at last! I have known, all the time that you would turn out to be +a burglar, or a defaulter or robber of some kind. Your father has the +reputation of having a bonanza in a silver mine, but if you go lugging +his silver stock around he will soon be ruined. Now you go right back +home and put that stock in your Pa's safe, like a good boy.” + +“Put it in the safe! O, no, we keep it in a box stall now, in the +barn. I will trade you this thousand dollars in stock for two heads of +lettuce, and get Pa to sign it over to you, if you say so. Pa told me I +could have the whole trunk full if I wanted it, and the hired girls are +using the silver stock to clean the windows, and to kindle fires, and +Pa has quit the church, and says he won't belong to any concern that +harbors bilks. What's a bilk?” said the boy, as he opened a candy jar +and took out four sticks of hoarhound candy. + +“A bilk,” said the grocery man, as he watched the boy, “is a fellow +that plays a man for candy, or money, or anything, and don't intend to +return an equivalent. You are a small sized bilk. But what's the matter +with your Pa and the church, and what has the silver mine stock got to +do with it?” + +“Well, you remember that exhorter that was here last fall, that used +to board around with the church people all the week, and talk about Zion +and laying up treasures where the moths wouldn't gnaw them, and they +wouldn't get rusty, and where thieves wouldn't pry off the hinges. He +was the one that used to go home with Ma from prayer meetings, when Pa +was down town, and who wanted to pay off the church debt in solid silver +bricks. He's the bilk. I guess if Pa should get him by the neck he would +jerk nine kinds of revealed religion out of him. O, Pa is hotter than he +was when the hornets took the lunch off of him. When you strike a pious +man on the pocket-book it hurts him. That fellow prayed and sang like an +angel, and boarded around like a tramp. He stopped at our house over a +week, and he had specimens of rock that were chuck full of silver and +gold, and he and Pa used to sit up nights and look at it. You could pick +pieces of silver out of the rock as big as buck shot, and he had some +silver bricks that were beautiful. He had been out in Colorado and found +a hill full of the silver rock, and he wanted to form a stock company +and dig out millions of dollars. He didn't want anybody but pious men +that belonged to the church, in the company, and I think that was one +thing that caused Pa to unite with the church so suddenly. I know he was +as wicked as could be a few days before he joined the church; but this +revivalist, with his words about the beautiful beyond where all shall +dwell together in peace, and sing praises; and his description of that +Colorado mountain where the silver stuck out so you could hang your hat +on it, converted Pa. That man's scheme was to let all the church +people who were in good standing, and who had plenty of money, into the +company, and when the mine begun to return dividends by the car load, +they could give largely to the church and pay the debts of all the +churches, and put down carpets and fresco the ceiling. The man said he +felt that he had been steered on to that silver mine by a higher power, +and his idea was to work it for the glory of the cause. He said he liked +Pa, and would make him vice president of the company. Pa, he bit like +a bass, and I guess he invested five thousand dollars in stock, and Ma, +she wanted to come in, and she put in a thousand dollars that she had +laid up to buy some diamond ear-rings, and the man gave Pa a lot of +stock to sell to other members of the church. They all went into it, +even the minister. He drew his salary ahead, and all of the deacons they +come in, and the man went back to Colorado with about thirty thousand +dollars of good, pious money. Yesterday Pa got a paper from Colorado, +giving the whole snap away, and the pious man has been spending the +money in Denver, and whooping it up. Pa suspected something was wrong +two weeks ago, when he heard that the pious man had been on a toot in +Chicago, and he wrote to a man in Denver, who used to get full with Pa +years ago when they were both on the turf; and Pa's friend said the man +that sold the stock was a fraud, and that he didn't own no mine, and +that he borrowed the samples of ore and silver bricks from a pawnbroker +in Denver. I guess it will break Pa up for a while, though he is well +enough fixed with mortgages and things; but it hurts him to be took in. +He lays it all to Ma--he says if she hadn't let that exhorter for the +silver mine go home with her this would not have occurred, and Ma says +she believes Pa was in partnership with the man to beat her out of her +thousand dollars that she was going to buy a pair of diamond ear-rings +with. O, it is a terror over to the house now. Both the hired girls put +in all the money they had, and took stock, and they threaten to sue Pa +for arson, and they are going to leave to-night, and Ma will have to do +the work. Don't you never try to get rich quick,” said the boy as he +peeled a herring, and took a couple of crackers. + +“Never you mind me,” said the grocery man, “they don't catch me on any +of their silver mines; but I hope this will have some influence on you, +and teach you to respect your Pa's feelings, and not play jokes on him +while he is feeling so bad over his being swindled.” + +“O, I don't know about that, I think when a man is in trouble, if he has +a good little boy to take his mind from his troubles and get him mad +at something else, it rests him. Last night we had hot maple syrup and +biscuit for supper, and Pa had a saucer full in front of him, just a +steaming. I could see he was thinking too much about his mining stock, +and I thought if there was anything I could do to take his mind off +of it and place it on something else, I would be doing a kindness that +would be appreciated. I sat on the right of Pa, and when he wasn't +looking I pulled the table cloth so the saucer of red hot maple syrup +dropped off in his lap.” + +[Illustration: Maple syrup for one 042] + +“Well, you'd a dide to see how quick his thoughts turned from his +financial troubles to his physical misfortunes. There was about a pint +of hot syrup, and it went all over his lap, and you know how hot melted +maple sugar is, and how it sort of clings to anything. Pa jumped up and +grabbed hold of his pants legs to pull them away from hisself, and he +danced around and told Ma to turn the hose on him, and then he took +a pitcher of ice water and poured it down his pants, and he said the +condemned old table was getting so ricketty that a saucer wouldn't stay +on it, and I told Pa if he would put some tar on his legs, the same kind +that he told me to put on my lip to make my moustache grow, the syrup +wouldn't burn so; and then he cuffed me, and I think he felt better It +is a great thing to get a man's mind off of his troubles, but where a +man hasn't got any mind like you, for instance--” + +At this point the grocery man picked up a fire poker, and the boy went +out in a hurry and hung up a sign in front of the grocery: + + CASH PAID + + FOR FAT DOGS. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + HIS PA AND DYNAMITE--THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER STOCK-- + FENIAN SCARE--“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE--THE FENIAN BOOM-- + “GREAT GOD HANNER WE ARE BLOWED UP!”--HIS MA HAS LOTS OF + SAND--THE OLD MAN USELESS IN TROUBLE. THE DOG AND THE FALSE + TEETH. + +“I guess your Pa's losses in the silver mine have made him crazy, +haven't they?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the +store with his eye winkers singed off, and powder marks on his face, and +began to play on the harmonica, as he sat down on the end of a stick of +stove wood, and balanced himself. + +“O, I guess not. He has hedged. He got in with a deacon of another +church, and sold some of his stock to him, and Pa says if I will keep my +condemn mouth shut he will unload the whole of it, if the churches hold +out. He goes to a new church every night there is prayer meeting or +anything, and makes Ma go with him, to give him tone; and after meeting +she talks with the sisters about how to piece a silk bed quilt, while +Pa gets in his work selling silver stock. I don't know but he will order +some more stock from the factory, if he sells all he has got,” and the +boy went on playing “There's a land that is fairer than Day.” + +“But what was he skipping up street for the other night with his hat +off, grabbing at his coat tails as though they were on fire? I thought I +never saw a pussy man run any faster. And what was the celebration down +on your street about that time? I thought the world was coming to an +end,” and the grocery man kept away from the boy, for fear he would +explode. + +“O, that was only a Fenian scare. Nothin' serious. You see Pa is a sort +of half Englishman. He claims to be an American citizen, when he wants +office, but when they talk about a draft he claims to be a subject of +Great Brit-tain, and he says they can't touch him. Pa is a darn smart +man, and don't you forget it. There don't any of them get ahead of Pa +much. Well, Pa has said a good deal about the wicked Fenians, and that +they ought to be pulled, and all that, and when I read the story in the +papers about the explosion in the British Parliament Pa was hot. He said +the damnirish was ruining the whole world. He didn't dare say it at the +table or our hired girl would have knocked him silly with a spoonful +of mashed potatoes, 'cause she is a nirish girl, and she can lick any +Englishman in this town. Pa said there ought to have been somebody +thereto have taken that bomb up and throwed it in the sewer before it +exploded. He said that if he ever should see a bomb he would grab it +right up and throw it away where it wouldn't hurt anybody. Pa has me +read the papers to him nights, cause his eyes have got splinters in 'em, +and after I had read all there was in the paper I made up a lot more and +pretended to read it, about how it was rumored that the Fenians here +in Milwaukee were going to place dynamite bombs at every house where an +Englishman lived, and at a given signal blow them all up. Pa looked pale +around the gills, but he said he wasn't scared. + +“Pa and Ma were going to call on a she deacon that night, that has lots +of money in the bank, to see if she didn't want to invest in a dead sure +paying silver mine, and me and my chum concluded to give them a +send off. We got my big black injy rubber foot-ball, and painted +'_Dinymight_' in big white letters on it, and tied a piece of tarred +rope to it for a fuse, and got a big fire cracker, one of those old +fourth of July horse scarers, and a basket full of broken glass. We +put the foot-ball in front of the step and lit the tarred rope, and got +under the step with the firecrackers and basket, where they go down into +the basement. Pa and Ma came out the front door, and down the steps, +and Pa saw the football, and the burning fuse, and he said 'Great God, +Hanner, we are blowed up!' and he started to run, and Ma she stopped to +look at it. Just as Pa started to run I touched off the fire cracker, +and my chum arranged it to pour out the broken glass on the brick +pavement just as the fire cracker went off.” + +[Illustration: Great God, Hanner, we are blowed up 048] + +“Well, everything went just as we expected, except Ma. She had examined +the foot-ball, and concluded it was not dangerous, and was just giving +it a kick as the firecracker went off, and the glass fell, and the +firecracker was so near her that it scared her, and when Pa looked +around Ma was flying across the sidewalk, and Pa heard the noise and +he thought the house was blown to atoms. O, you'd a died to see him go +around the corner. You could play crokay on his coat-tail, and his face +was as pale as Ma's when she goes to a party. But Ma didn't scare much. +As quick as she stopped against the hitching post she knew it was us +boys, and she came down there, and maybe she didn't maul me. I cried +and tried to gain her sympathy by telling her the firecracker went off +before it was due, and burned my eyebrows off, but she didn't let up +until I promised to go and find Pa. + +“I tell you, my Ma ought to be engaged by the British government to hunt +out the dynamite fiends. She would corral them in two minutes. If Pa had +as much sand as Ma has got, it would be warm weather for me. Well, me +and my chum went and headed Pa off or I guess he would be running yet. +We got him up by the lake shore, and he wanted to know if the house fell +down. He said he would leave it to me if he ever said anything against +the Fenians, and I told him he had always claimed that the Fenians were +the nicest men in the world, and it seemed to relieve him very much. +When he got home and found the house there he was tickled, and when Ma +called him an old bald-headed coward, and said it was only a joke of the +boys with a foot ball, he laughed right out, and said he knew it all the +time, and he ran to see if Ma would be scared. And then he wanted to +hug me, but it wasn't my night to hug and I went down to the theater. Pa +don't amount to much when there is trouble. The time Ma had them cramps, +you remember, when you got your cucumbers first last season, Pa came +near fainting away, and Ma said ever since they had been married when +anything ailed her, Pa has had pains just the same as she has, only he +grunted more, and thought he was going to die. Gosh, if I was a man I +wouldn't be sick every time one of the neighbors had a back ache, would +you? + +“Well you can't tell. When you have been married twenty or thirty years +you will know a good deal more than you do now. You think you know it +all, now, and you are pretty intelligent for a boy that has been brought +up carelessly, but there are things that you will learn after a while +that will astonish you. But what ails your Pa's teeth? The hired girl +was over here to get some corn meal for gruel, and she said your Pa was +gumming it, since he lost his teeth.” + +“O, about the teeth. That was too bad. You see my chum has got a dog +that is old, and his teeth have all come out in front, and this morning +I borried Pa's teeth before he got up, to see if we couldn't fix them in +the dog's mouth, so he could eat better. Pa says it is an evidence of a +kind heart for a boy to be good to dumb animals, but it is a darn mean +dog that will go back on a friend. We tied the teeth in the dog's mouth +with a string that went around his upper jaw, and another around his +under jaw, and you'd a dide to see how funny he looked when he laffed. + +“He looked just like Pa when he tried to smile so as to get me to come +up to him so he can lick me. The dog pawed his mouth a spell to get the +teeth out, and then we gave him a bone with some meat on, and he began +to gnaw the bone, and the teeth come off the plate, and he thought it +was pieces of the bone, and he swallowed the teeth. My chum noticed it +first, and he said we had got to get in our work pretty quick to save +the plates, and I think we were in luck to save them. I held the dog, +and my chum, who was better acquainted with him, untied the strings and +got the gold plates out, but there were only two teeth left, and the dog +was happy. He woggled his tail for more teeth, but we hadn't any more. +I am going to give him Ma's teeth some day. My chum says when a dog gets +an appetite for anything you have got to keep giving it to him or he +goes back on you. But I think my chum played dirt on me. We sold the +gold plates to a jewelry man, and my chum kept the money. I think, +as long as I furnished the goods, he ought to have given me something +besides the experience, don't you? After this I don't have no more +partners, you bet.” All this time the boy was marking on a piece of +paper, and soon after he went out the grocery man noticed a crowd +outside, and on he found a sign hanging up which read: + + WORMY FIGS + + FOR PARTIES. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN--THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY ABUSED---HE + GETS HOT--BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE GREASE--THE OLD MAN + WEARS ORANGE ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY--HE HAS TO RUN FOR HIS + LIFE--THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY SCHOOL--INGERSOLL AND BEECHER + VOTED OUT--“MARY HAD A LITTLE LAM.” + +“Say, will you do me a favor,” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as +he sat down on the soap box and put his wet boots on the stove. + +“Well, y-e-s,” said the grocery man hesitatingly, with a feeling that +he was liable to be sold. “If you will help me to catch the villain who +hangs up those disreputable signs in front of my store, I will. What is +it?” + +“I want you to lick this stamp and put it on this letter. It is to my +girl, and I want to fool her,” and the boy handed over the letter and +stamp, and while the grocery man was licking it and putting it on, the +boy filled his pockets with dried peaches out of a box. + +“There, that's a small job,” said the grocery man, as he pressed the +stamp on the letter with his thumb and handed it back. “But how are you +going to fool her?” + +“That's just business,” said the boy, as he held the letter to his nose +and smelled of the stamp. “That will make her tired. You see, every time +she gets a letter from me she kisses the stamp, because she thinks +I licked it. When she kisses this stamp and gets the fumes of plug +tobacco, and stale beer, and limburg cheese, and mouldy potatoes, it +will knock her down, and then she will ask me what ailed the stamp, and +I will tell her I got you to lick it, and then it will make her sick, +and her parents will stop trading here. O, it will paralize her. Do you +know, you smell like a glue factory. Gosh I can smell you all over the +store, Don't you smell anything that smells spoiled?” The grocery man +thought he did smell something that was rancid, and he looked around the +stove and finally kicked the boy's boot off the stove and said, “It's +your boots burning. Gracious, open the door. It smells like a hot box +on a caboose. Whew! And there comes a couple of my best lady customers.” + The ladies came in and held their handkerchiefs to their noses, +and while they were trading the boy said, as though continuing the +conversation: + +“Yes, Pa says that last oleomargarine I got here is nothing but axle +grease. Why don't you put your axle grease in a different kind of a +package? The only way you can tell axle grease from oleomargarine is +in spreading it on pancakes. Pa says axle grease will spread, but your +alleged butter just rolls right up and acts like lip salve, or ointment, +and is only fit to use on a sore--” + +At this point the ladies went out of the store in disgust, without +buying anything, and the grocery man took a dried codfish by the tail +and went up to the boy and took him by the neck. “Golblast you, I have +a notion to kill you. You have driven away more custom from this store +than your neck is worth. Now you git,” and he struck the boy across the +back with the codfish. + +“That's just the way with you all,” says the boy, as he put his sleeve +up to his eyes and pretended to cry, “when a fellow is up in the world, +there is nothing too good for him, but when he gets down, you maul him +with a codfish. Since Pa drove me out of the house, and told me to go +shirk for my living, I haven't had a kind word from anybody. My chum's +dog won't even follow me, and when a fellow gets so low down that a dog +goes back on him there is nothing left for him to do but to loaf around +a grocery, or sit on a jury, and I am too young to sit on a jury, though +I know more than some of the beats that lay around the court to get on a +jury. I am going to drown myself, and my death will be laid to you. They +will find evidences of codfish on my clothing, and you will be arrested +for driving me to a suicide's grave. Good-bye. I forgive you,” and the +boy started for the door. + +“Hold on here,” says the grocery man, feeling that he had been too +harsh, “Come back here and have some maple sugar. What did your Pa drive +you away from home for?” + +“O, it was on account of St. Patrick's Day,” said the bad boy as he bit +off half a pound of maple sugar, and dried his tears. “You see, Pa never +sees Ma buy a new silk handkerchief, but he wants it. Tother day Ma got +one of these orange-colored handkerchiefs, and Pa immediately had a +sore throat and wanted to wear it, and Ma let him put it on. I thought +I would break him of taking everything nice that Ma got, so when he went +down town with the orange handkerchief on his neck, I told some of the +St. Patrick boys in the Third ward, who had green ribbons on, that the +old duffer that was putting on style was an orange-man, and he said he +could whip any St. Patrick's Day man in town. The fellers laid for Pa, +and when he came along one of them threw a barrel at Pa, and another +pulled the yellow handkerchief off his neck, and they all yelled 'hang +him,' and one grabbed a rope that was on the sidewalk where they were +moving a building, and Pa got up and dusted. You'd a dide to see Pa run. +He met a policeman and said more'n a hundred men had tried to murder +him, and they had mauled him and stolen his yellow handkerchief. The +policeman told Pa his life was not safe, and he better go home and lock +himself in, and he did, and I was telling Ma about how I got the boys to +scare Pa, and he heard it, and he told me that settled it. He said I had +caused him to run more foot races than any champion pedestrian, and had +made his life unbearable, and now I must go it alone. Now I want you +to send a couple of pounds of crackers over to the house, and have your +boy tell the hired girl that I have gone down to the river to drown +myself, and she will tell Ma, and Ma will tell Pa, and pretty soon you +will see a bald headed pussy man whooping it up towards the river with +a rope. They may think at times that I am a little tough, but when it +comes to parting forever, they weaken. + +“Well, the teacher at school says you are a hardened infidel,” said the +grocery man, as he charged the crackers to the boy's Pa. “He says he +had to turn you out to keep you from ruining the morals of the other +scholars. How was that?” + +“It was about speaking a piece. When I asked him what I should speak, +he told me to learn some speech of some great man, some lawyer or +statesman, so I learned one of Bob Ingersoll's speeches. Well, you'd a +dide to see the teacher and the school committee, when I started in on +Bob Ingersoll's lecture, the one that was in the papers when Bob was +here. You see I thought if a newspaper that all the pious folks takes +in their families, could publish Ingersoll's speech, it wouldn't do any +hurt for a poor little boy, who ain't knee high to a giraffe, to speak +it in school, but they made me dry up. The teacher is a republican, +and when Ingersoll was speaking around here on politix, the time of the +election, the teacher said Bob was the smartest man this country ever +produced. I heard him say that in a corcus, when he went bumming around +the ward settin' 'em up nights specting to be superintendent of schools. +He said Bob Ingersoll just took the cake, and I think it was darn mean +in him to go back on Bob and me too, just cause there was no 'lection. +The school committee made the teacher stop me, and they asked me if +I didn't know any other piece to speak, and I told them I knew one of +Beecher's, and they let me go ahead, but it was one of Beecher's new +ones where he said he didn't believe in any hell, and afore I got warmed +up they said that was enough of that, and I had to wind up on “Mary had +a Little Lam.” None of them didn't kick on Mary's Lam and I went through +it, and they let me go home. That's about the safest thing a boy can +speak in school, now days, either “Mary had a Little Lam,” or “Twinkle, +Twinkle Little Star.” That's about up to the average intelleck of the +committee. But if a boy tries to branch out as a statesman, they choke +him off. Well, I am going down to the river, and I will leave my coat +and hat by the wood yard, and get behind the wood, and you steer Pa down +there and you will see some tall weeping over them clothes, and maybe Pa +will jump in after me, and then I will come out from behind the wood +and throw in a board for him to swim ashore on. Good bye. Give my pocket +comb to my chum,” and the boy went out and hung up a sign in front of +the grocery, as follows: + + POP CORN THAT THE CAT + + HAS SLEPT IN, CHEAP FOR + + POP CORN BALLS FOR SOCIABLES. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + HIS MA DECEIVES HIM--THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF SAFFRON-- + “WELL, IT'S A GIRL IF YOU MUST KNOW”--THE BAD BOY IS GRIEVED + AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION--“S-H-H TOOTSY GO TO SLEEP”--“BY LOW, + BABY”--THAT SETTLED IT WITH THE CAT--A BABY! BAH! IT MAKES + ME TIRED. + +“Give me ten cents worth of saffron, quick,” said the bad boy to the +grocery man, as he came in the grocery on a gallop, early one morning, +with no collar on and no vest. He looked as though he had been routed +out of bed in a hurry and had jumped into his pants and boots, and put +on his coat and hat on the run. + +“I don't keep saffron,” said the grocery man as he picked up a barrel of +ax-handles the boy had tipped over in his hurry. “You want to go over to +the drug store on the corner, if you want saffron. But what on earth is +the mat--” + +At this point the boy shot out of the door, tipping over a basket of +white beans, and disappeared in the drug store. The grocery man got down +on his knees on the sidewalk, and scooped up the beans, occasionally +looking over to the drug store, and just as he got them picked up, the +boy came out of the drug store and walked deliberately towards his home +as though there was no particular hurry. The grocery man looked after +him, took up an ax-handle, spit on his hands, and shouted to the boy to +come over pretty soon, as he wanted to talk with him. The boy did not +come to the grocery till towards night; but the grocery man had seen him +running down town a dozen times during the day and once he rode up to +the house with the doctor, and the grocer surmised what was the trouble. +Along towards night the boy came in in a dejected sort of a tired way, +sat down on a barrel of sugar, and never spoke. + +“What is it, a boy or girl,” said the grocery man, winking at an old +lady with a shawl over her head, who was trying to hold a paper over a +pitcher of yeast with her thumb. + +“How in blazes did you know anything about it?” said the boy, as he +looked around in astonishment, and with some indignation. “Well, it's +a girl, if you must know, and that's enough,” and he looked down at the +cat playing on the floor with a potato, his face a picture of dejection. + +“O, don't feel bad about it,” said the grocery man, as he opened the +door for the old lady. “Such things are bound to occur; but you take my +word for it, that young one is going to have a hard life unless you mend +your ways. You will be using it for a cork to a jug, or to wad a gun +with, the first thing your Ma knows.” + +“I wouldn't touch the darn thing with the tongs,” said the boy, as +he rallied enough to eat some crackers and cheese. “Gosh, this cheese +tastes good. I hain't had noth-to eat since morning. I have been all +over this town trolling for nurses. They think a boy hasn't got any +feelings. But I wouldn't care a goldarn, if Ma hadn't been sending me +for neuralgia medicine, and hay fever stuff all winter, when she wanted +to get rid of me. I have come into the room lots of times when Ma and +the sewing girl were at work on some flannel things, and Ma would hide +them in a basket and send me off after medicine. I was deceived up to +about four o clock this morning, when Pa come to my room and pulled me +out of bed to go over on the West Side after some old woman that knew +Ma, and they have kept me whooping ever since. What does a boy want of +a sister, unless it is a big sister. I don't want no sister that I have +got to hold, and rock, and hold a bottle for. This affair breaks me all +up,” and the boy picked the cheese out of his teeth with a sliver he cut +from the counter. + +“Well, how does your Pa take it?” asked the grocery man, as he charged +the boy's Pa with cheese, and saffron, and a number of such things. + +“O, Pa will pull through. He wanted to boss the whole concern until Ma's +chum, an old woman that takes snuff, fired him out into the hall. Pa sat +there on my hand-sled, a perfect picture of dispair, and I thought it +would be a kindness to play in on him. I found the cat asleep in the +bath-room, and I rolled the cat up in a shawl and brought it out to Pa +and told him the nurse wanted him to hold the baby. It seemed to do Pa +good to feel that he was indispensible around the house, and he took +the cat on his lap as tenderly as you ever saw a mother hold her infant. +Well, I got in the back hall, where he couldn't see me, and pretty soon +the cat began to wake up and stretch himself, and Pa said 's-h-h-tootsy, +go to sleep now, and let its Pa hold it,' and Pa he rocked back and +forth on the hand sled and began to sing 'by, low, baby.' That settled +it with the cat.” + +[Illustration: By low baby 066] + +“Well, some cats can't stand music, anyway, and the more the cat +wanted to get out of the shawl, the louder Pa sung, and bimeby I heard +something-rip, and Pa yelled, 'scat you brute,' and when I looked +around the corner of the hall the cat was bracing hisself against Pa's +vest with his toe nails, and yowling, and Pa fell over the sled and +began to talk about the hereafter like the minister does when he gets +excited in church, and then Pa picked up the sled and seemed to be +looking for me or the cat, but both of us was offul scarce. Don't you +think there are times when boys and cats are kind of few around their +accustomed haunts? Pa don't look as though he was very smart, but he can +hold a cat about as well as the next man. But I am sorry for Ma. She was +just getting ready to go to Florida for her neuralgia, and this will put +a stop to it, cause she has to stay and take care of that young one. Pa +says I will have a nice time this summer pushing the baby wagon. By +the great horn spoons, there has got to be a dividing line somewhere, +between business and pleasure, and I strike the line at wheeling a +baby. I had rather catch a string of perch than to wheel all the babies +ever was. They needn't procure no baby on my account, if it is to amuse +me. I don't see why babies can't be sawed off onto people that need them +in their business. Our folks don't need a baby any more than you need a +safe, and there are people just suffering for babies. Say, how would it +be to take the baby some night and leave it on some old batchelor's door +step. If it had been a bicycle, or a breech loading shot-gun, I wouldn't +have cared, but a baby! Bah! It makes me tired. I'd druther have a prize +package. Well, I am sorry Pa allowed me to come home, after he drove +me away last week. I guess all he wanted me to come back for was to +humiliate me, and send me on errands. Well, I must go and see if he and +the cat have made up.” + +And the boy went out and put a paper sign in front of the store: + + LEAVE YOUR MEASURE + + FOR SAFFRON TEA. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + THE BABY AND THE GOAT--THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER WILL BE + A FIRE ENGINE--“OLD NUMBER TWO “--BABY REQUIRES GOAT MILK-- + THE GOAT IS FRISKY--TAKES TO EATING ROMAN CANDLES--THE OLD + MAN, THE HIRED GIRL AND THE GOAT--THE BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER + IN A LIVERY STABLE. + +“Well, how is the baby?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he +came into the grocery smelling very “horsey,” and sat down on the chair +with the back gone, and looked very tired. + +“O, darn the baby. Everybody asks me about the baby as though it was +mine. I don't pay no attention to the darn thing, except to notice the +foolishness going on around the house. Say, I guess that baby will grow +up to be a fire engine. The nurse coupled the baby onto a section of +rubber hose that runs down into a bottle of milk, and it began to get up +steam and pretty soon the milk began to disappear, just like the water +does when a fire engine couples on to a hydrant. Pa calls the baby “Old +Number Two.” I am “Number One,” and if Pa had a hook and ladder truck +and a hose cart, and a fire gong he would imagine he was chief engineer +of the fire department. But the baby kicks on this milk wagon milk, and +howls like a dog that's got lost. The doctor told Pa the best thing he +could do was to get a goat, but Pa said since we 'nishiated him into the +Masons with the goat he wouldn't have a goat around no how. The doc told +Pa the other kind of a goat, I think it was a Samantha goat he +said, wouldn't kick with its head, and Pa sent me up into the Polack +settlement to see if I couldn't borrow a milk goat for a few weeks. I +got a woman to lend us her goat till the baby got big enough to chew +beef, for a dollar a week, and paid a dollar in advance, and Pa went up +in the evening to help me get the goat. Well it was the darndest mistake +you ever see. There was two goats so near alike you could not tell which +was the goat we leased, and the other goat was the chum of our goat, +but it belonged to a Nirish woman. We got a bed cord hitched around the +Irish goat, and that goat didn't recognize the lease, and when we tried +to jerk it along it rared right up, and made things real quick for Pa. +I don't know what there is about a goat that makes it get so spunky, but +that goat seemed to have a grudge against Pa from the first. If there +were any places on Pa's manly form that the goat did not explore, with +his head, Pa don't know where the places are. O, it lammed him, and +when I laffed Pa got mad. I told him every man ought to furnish his own +goats, when he had a baby, and I let go the rope and started off, and Pa +said he knew how it was, I wanted him to get killed. It wasn't that, but +I saw the Irish woman that owned the goat coming around the corner of +the house with a cistern pole. Just as Pa was getting the goat out of +the gate the goat got cross ways of the gate, and Pa yanked, and doubled +the goat right up, and I thought he had broke the goats neck, and the +woman thought so too, for she jabbed Pa with the cistern pole just +below the belt, and she tried to get a hold on Pa's hair, but he had her +there. No woman can get the advantage of Pa that way 'cause Ma has tried +it. Well, Pa explained it to the woman, and she let Pa off if he would +pay her two dollars for damages to her goat, and he paid it, and then we +took the nanny goat, and it went right along with us. But I have got +my opinion of a baby that will drink goat's milk. Gosh, it is like this +stuff that comes in a spoiled cocoanut. The baby hasn't done anything +but blat since the nurse coupled it onto the goat hydrant. I had to take +all my playthings out of the basement to keep the goat from eating them. +I guess the milk will taste of powder and singed hair now. The goat got +to eating some Roman candles me and my chum had laid away in the coal +bin, and chewed them around the furnace, and the powder leaked out and +a coal fell out of the furnace on the hearth, and you'd a dide to see +Pa and the hired girl and the goat. You see Pa can't milk nothing but +a milk wagon, and he got the hired girl to milk the goat, and they were +just hunting around the basement for the goat, with a tin cup, when the +fireworks went off.” + +[Illustration: The old man, the hired girl and the goat 074] + +“Well, there was balls of green, and red and blue fire, and spilled +powder blazed up, and the goat just looked astonished, and looked on as +though it was sorry so much good fodder was spoiled, but when its hair +began to burn, the goat gave one snort and went between Pa and the hired +girl like it was shot out of a cannon, and it knocked Pa over a wash +boiler into the coal bin, and the hired girl in amongst the kindling +wood, and she crossed herself and repeated the catekism, and the goat +jumped up on the brick furnace, and they couldn't get it down. I heard +the celebration and went down and took Pa by the pants and pulled him +out of the coal bin, and he said he would surrender, and plead guilty of +being the biggest fool in Milwaukee. I pulled the kindling wood off the +hired girl, and then she got mad, and said she would milk the goat or +die. O, that girl has got sand. She used to work in the glass factory. +Well, sir, it was a sight worth two shillings admission, to see that +hired girl get upon a step ladder to milk that goat on top of the +furnace, with Pa sitting on a barrel of potatoes, bossing the job. They +are going to fix a gang plank to get the goat down off the furnace. The +baby kicked on the milk last night. I guess besides tasting of powder +and burnt hair, the milk was too warm on account of the furnace. Pa has +got to grow a new lot of hair on that goat, or the woman won't take it +back. She don't want no bald goat. Well, they can run the baby and goat +to suit themselves, 'cause I have resigned. I have gone into business. +Don't you smell anything that would lead you to surmise that I had gone +into business? No drugstore this time,” and the boy got up and put his +thumbs in the armholes of his vest, and looked proud. + +“O, I don't know as I smell anything except the faint odor of a horse +blanket. What you gone into anyway?” and the grocery man put the +wrapping paper under the counter, and put the red chalk in his pocket, +so the boy couldn't write any sign to hang up outside. + +“You hit it the first time I have accepted a situation of teller in a +livery stable,” said the boy, as he searched around for the barrel of +cut sugar, which had been removed. + +“Teller in a livery stable! Well that is a new one on me. What is a +teller in a livery stable?” and the grocery man looked pleased, and +pointed the boy to a barrel of seven cent sugar. + +“Don't you know what a teller is in a livery stable? It is the same as +a teller in a bank. I have to grease the harness, oil the buggies, and +curry off the horses, and when a man comes in to hire a horse I have to +go down to the saloon and tell the livery man. That's what a teller is. +I like the teller part of it; but greasing harness is a little too +rich for my blood, but the livery man says if I stick to it I will be +governor some day, 'cause most all the great men have begun life taking +care of horses. It all depends on my girl whether I stick or not. If she +likes the smell of horses I shall be a statesman, but if she objects +to it and sticks up her nose, I shall not yearn to be governor, at the +expense of my girl. It beats all, don't it, that wimmen settle every +great question. Everybody does everything to please wimmen, and if they +kick on anything that settles it. But I must go and umpire that game +between Pa, and the hired girl, and the goat. Say, can't you come over +and see the baby? 'Taint bigger than a small satchel,” and the boy +waited till the grocery man went to draw some vinegar, when he slipped +out and put up a sign written on a shingle with white chalk: + + YELLOW SAND WANTED + + FOR MAPLE SUGAR. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + A FUNERAL PROCESSION--THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES--“YOU OUGHT TO + SEE THE MINISTER!”--AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL--THE MINISTER + TAKES THE LINES--AN EARTHQUAKE--AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE WAS + OVER--THE POLICEMAN FANS THE MINISTER--A MINISTER SHOULD + HAVE SENSE. + +“Well, great Julius Cæsar's bald-headed ghost, what's the matter with +you?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came into the grocery +on crutches, with one arm in a sling, one eye blackened, and a strip of +court plaster across his face “Where was the explosion, or have you +been in a fight, or has your Pa been giving you what you deserve, with a +club? Here, let me help you; there, sit down on that keg of apple-jack. +Well, by the great guns, you look as though you had called somebody +a liar. What's the matter?” and the grocery man took the crutches and +stood them up against the show case. + +“O, there's not much the matter with me,” said the boy, in a voice that +sounded all broke up, as he took a big apple off a basket, and began +peeling it with his upper front teeth. “If you think I am a wreck, you +ought to see the minister. They had to carry him home in installments, +the way they buy sewing machines. I am all right; but they have got to +stop him up with oakum and tar, before he will hold water again!” + +“Good gracious, you have not had a fight with the minister, have you? +Well, I have said all the time, and I stick to it, that you would commit +a crime yet, and go to state prison. What was the fuss about?” and the +grocery man laid the hatchet out of the boy's reach for fear he would +get excited and kill him. + +“O, I want no fuss, it was in the way of business. You see the livery +man that I was working for promoted me. He let me drive a horse to haul +sawdust for bedding, first, and when he found I was real careful he let +me drive an express wagon to haul trunks. Day before yesterday, I think +it was--yes, I was in bed all day yesterday--day before yesterday +there was a funeral, and our stable furnished the outfit. It was only a +common, eleven dollar funeral, so they let me go to drive the horse for +the minister--you know, the buggy that goes ahead of the hearse. They +gave me an old horse that is thirty years old, that has not been off of +a walk since nine years ago, and they told me to give him a loose rein, +and he would go along all right. It's the same old horse that used to +pace so fast on the avenue, years ago, but I didn't know it. Well, +I wan't to blame. I just let him walk along as though he was hauling +sawdust, and gave him a loose rein. When we got off of the pavement, the +fellow that drives the hearse, he was in a hurry, 'cause his folks was +going to have ducks for dinner, and he wanted to get back, so he kept +driving along side of my buggy, and telling me to hurry up. I wouldn't +do it, 'cause the livery man told me to walk the horse. Then the +minister, he got nervous, and said he didn't know as there was any use +of going so slow, because he wanted to get back in time to get his lunch +and go to a minister's meeting in the afternoon, but I told him we would +all get to the cemetery soon enough if we took it cool, and as for me +I wasn't in no sweat. Then one of the drivers that was driving the +mourners, he came up and said he had to get back in time to run a +wedding down to the one o'clock train, and for me to pull out a little. +I have seen enough of disobeying orders, and I told him a funeral in the +hand was worth two weddings in the bush, and as far as I was concerned, +this funeral was going to be conducted in a decorous manner, if we +didn't get back till the next day. Well, the minister said, in his +regular Sunday school way, 'My little man, let me take hold of the +lines,' and like a darn fool I gave them to him. He slapped the old +horse on the crupper with the lines, and then jerked up, and the old +horse stuck up his off ear, and then the hearse driver told the minister +to pull hard and saw on the bit a little, and the old horse would wake +up. The hearse driver used to drive the old pacer on the track, and he +knew what he wanted. The minister took off his black kid gloves and put +his umbrella down between us, and pulled his hat down tight on his head, +and began to pull and saw on the bit. The old cripple began to move +along sort of sideways, like a hog going to war, and the minister pulled +some more, and the hearse driver, who was right behind, he said, so +you could hear him clear to Waukesha, 'Ye-e-up,' and the old horse kept +going faster, then the minister thought the procession was getting too +quick, and he pulled harder, and yelled 'who-a' and that made the old +horse worse, and I looked through the little window in the buggy top. +behind, and the hearse was about two blocks behind, and the driver was +laughing, and the minister he got pale and said, 'My little man I guess +you better drive,' and I said 'Not much Mary Ann, you wouldn't let me +run this funeral the way I wanted to, and now you can boss it, if you +will let me get out,' but there was a street car ahead and all of a +sudden there was an earthquake, and when I come to there were about six +hundred people pouring water down my neck, and the hearse was hitched to +the fence, and the hearse driver was asking if my leg was broke, and a +policeman was fanning the minister with a plug hat that looked as though +it had been struck by a pile driver, and some people were hauling our +buggy into the gutter, and some men were trying to take old pacer out of +the windows of the street-car, and then I guess I fainted away agin. O, +it was worse than telescoping a train loaded with cattle.” + +[Illustration: After the earthquake was over 084] + +“Well, I swan,” said the grocery man, as he put some eggs in a funnel +shaped brown paper for a servant girl. “What did the minister say when +he come to?” + +“Say! What could he say? He just yelled 'whoa,' and kept sawing with his +hands, as though he was driving. I heard that the policeman was going to +pull him for fast driving, till he found it was an accident. They told +me, when they carried me home in a hack, that it was a wonder everybody +was not killed, and when I got home Pa was going to sass me, until the +hearse driver told him it was the minister that was to blame. I want to +find out if they got the minister's umbrella back. The last I see of it +the umbrella was running up his trouser's leg, and the point come out +by the small of his back. But I am all right, only my shoulder sprained, +and my legs bruised, and my eye black. I will be all right, and shall go +to work to-morrow, 'cause the livery man says I was the only one in the +crowd that had any sense. I understand the minister is going to take a +vacation on account of his liver and nervous prostration. I would if I +was him. I never saw a man that had nervous prostration any more than he +did when they fished him out of the barbed wire fence, after we struck +the street car. But that settles the minister business with me. I don't +drive for no more preachers. What I want is a quiet party that wants +to go on a walk,” and the boy got up and hopped on one foot towards his +crutcher, filling his pistol pocket with fig he hobbled along. + +“Well, sir,” said the grocery man, as he took a chew of tobacco out of +a pail, and offered some to the boy, knowing that was the only thing +in the store the boy would not take, “Do you know I think some of these +ministers have about as little sense on worldly matters, as anybody? +Now, the idea of that man jerking on an old pacer. It don't make any +difference if the pacer was hundred years old, he _would_ pace if he was +jerked on.” + +“You bet,” said the boy, as he put his crutches under his arms, and +started for the door. “A minister may be sound on the Atonement, but +he don't want to saw on an old pacer. He may have the subject of infant +baptism down finer than a cambric needle, but if he has ever been to +college, he ought to have learned enough not to say '_ye up_' to an old +pacer that has been the boss of the road in his time. A minister may be +endowed with sublime power to draw sinners to repentance, and make them +feel like getting up and dusting for the beautiful beyond, and cause +them, by his eloquence, to see angles bright and fair in their dreams, +and chariots of fire flying through the pearly gates and down the golden +streets of New Jerusalem, but he wants to turn out for a street car +all the same, when he is driving a 2:20 pacer. The next time I drive a +minister to a funeral, he will walk,” and the boy hobbled out and hung +out a sign in front of the grocery: + + SMOKED DOG FISH AT HALIBUT PRICES, + + GOOD ENOUGH + + FOR COMPANY. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH--THE GROCERYMAN AND THE BAD BOY + HAVE A FUSS--THE BOHEMIAN BAND--THE BAD BOY ORGANIZES A + SERENADE--“BABY MINE”--THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT--THE BOHEMIANS + CREATE A FAMINE--THE Y. M. C. A. ANNOUNCEMENT. + +“There, you drop that,” said the groceryman to the bad boy, as he +came limping into the store, and began to fumble around a box of +strawberries. “I have never kicked at your eating my codfish, and +crackers and cheese, and herring, and apples, but there has got to be a +dividing line somewhere, and I make it at strawberries at six shillings +a box, and only two layers in a box. I only bought one box, hoping some +plumber, or gas man would come along and buy it, and by gum, everybody +that has been in the store has sampled a strawberry out of that box. +shivered as though it was sour, and gone off without asking the price,” + and the grocery man looked mad, took a hatchet and knocked in the head +of a barrel of apples, and said, “There, help yourself to dried apples.” + +“O, I don't want your strawberries or dried apples,” said the boy, as he +leaned against a show case and looked at a bar of red, transparent soap. +“I was only trying to fool you. Say, that bar of soap is old enough to +vote. I remember seeing it in your show case when I was about a year +old, and Pa came in here with me and held me up to the show case to +look at that tin tobacco box, and that round zinc looking-glass, and +the yellow wooden pocket comb, and the soap looks just the same, only +a little faded. If you would wash yourself once in a while your soap +wouldn't dry up on your hands,” and the boy sat down on the chair +without any back, feeling that he was even with the grocery man. + +“You never mind the soap. It is paid for, and that is more than your +father can say about the soap that has been used in his house the past +month,” said the grocery man, as he split up a box to kindle the fire. +“But we won't quarrel. What was it I heard about a band serenading your +father, and his inviting them in to lunch?” + +“Don't let that get out or Pa will kill me dead. It was a joke. One of +those Bohemian bands that goes about town playing tunes for pennies, was +over on the next street, and I told Pa I guessed some of his friends who +had heard we had a baby at the house, had hired a band and was coming in +a few minutes to serenade him, and he better prepare to make a speech. +Pa is proud of being a father at his age, and he thought it no more than +right for the neighbors to serenade him, and he went to loading himself +for a speech, in the library, and me and my chum went out and told the +leader of the band there was a family up there that wanted to have some +music, and they didn't care for expense, so they quit blowing where they +was and came right along. None of them could understand English except +the leader, and he only understood enough to go and take a drink when +he is invited. My chum steered the band up to our house and got them to +play 'Babies on our Block,' and 'Baby Mine,' and I stopped all the men +who were going home and told them to wait a minute and they would +see some fun, so when the band got through the second tune, and the +Prussians were emptying the beer out of the horns, and Pa stepped out +on the porch, there was more nor a hundred people in front of the house. +You'd a dide to see Pa when he put his hand in the breast of his coat, +and struck an attitude. He looked like a congressman, or a tramp. The +band was scared, cause they thought he was mad, and some of them were +going to run, thinking he was going to throw pieces of brick house +at them, but my chum and the leader kept them. Then Pa sailed in. He +commenced, 'Fellow Citizens,' and then went way back to Adam and Eve, +and worked up to the present day, giving a history of the notable people +who had acquired children, and kept the crowd interested. I felt sorry +for Pa, cause I knew how he would feel when he came to find out how +he had been sold. The Bohemians in the band that couldn't understand +English, they looked at each other, and wondered what it was all about, +and finally Pa wound up by stating that it was every citizen's duty to +own children of his own, and then he invited the band and the crowd in +to take some refreshments. Well, you ought to have seen that band come +in the house. They fell over each other getting in, and the crowd went +home, leaving Pa and my chum and me and the band. Eat? Well, I should +smile. They just reached f'or things, and talked Bohemian. Drink? O, +no. I guess they didn't pour it down. Pa opened a dozen bottles of +champagne, and they fairly bathed in it, as though they had a fire +inside. Pa tried to talk with them about the baby, but they couldn't +understand, and finally they got full and started out, and the leader +asked Pa for three dollars, and that broke him. Pa told the leader he +supposed the gentlemen who had got up the serenade had paid for the +music, and the leader pointed to me and said I was the gentleman that +got it up. Pa paid him, but he had a wicked look in his eye, and me and +my chum lit out, and the Bohemians came down the street bilin' full, +with their horns on their arms, and they were talking Bohemian for all +that was out. They stopped in front of a vacant house, and began to +play; but you couldn't tell what tune it was, they were so full, and a +policeman came along and drove them home. I guess I will sleep at the +livery stable to-night, cause Pa is so offul unreasonable when anything +costs him three dollars, besides the champagne.” + +“Well, you have made a pretty mess of it,” said the grocery man. “It's +a wonder your Pa does not kill you. But what is it I hear about the +trouble at the church? They lay that foolishness to you.” + +“It's all a lie. They lay everything to me. It was some of them ducks +that sing in the choir. I was just as much surprised as anybody when it +occurred. You see our minister is laid up from the effect of the ride to +the funeral, when he tried to run over a street car; and an old deacon +who had symptoms of being a minister in his youth, was invited to take +the minister's place, and talk a little. He is an absent minded old +party, who don't keep up with the events of the day, and whoever played +it on him knew that he was too pious to even read the daily papers. +There was a notice of a choir meeting to be read, and I think the tenor +smuggled in the other notice between that and the one about the weekly +prayer meeting. Anyway, it wasn't me, but it like to broke up the +meeting After the deacon read the choir notice he took up the other one +and read, 'I am requested to announce that the Y. M. C. Association will +give a friendly entertainment with soft gloves, on Tuesday evening, +to which all are invited. Brother John Sullivan, the eminent Boston +revivalist will lead the exercises, assisted by Brother Slade, the Maori +missionary from Australia. There will be no slugging, but a collection +will be taken up at the door to defray expenses.' Well, I though the +people in church would sink through the floor. There was not a person +in the church except the poor old deacon, but who understood that some +wicked wretch had deceived him, and I know by the way the tenor tickled +the soprano that he did it. I may be mean, but everything I do is +innocent, and I wouldn't be as mean as a choir singer for two dollars. I +felt real sorry for the old deacon, but he never knew what he had +done, and I think it would be real mean to tell him. He won't be at the +slugging match. That remark about taking up a collection settled the +deacon. I must go down to the stable now, and help grease a hack, so +you will have to excuse me. If Pa comes here looking for me, tell him you +heard I was going to drive a picnic party out to Waukesha, and may not +be back in a week. By that time Pa will have got over that Bohemian +serenade,” and the boy filled his pistol pocket with dried apples, and +went out and hung a sign in front of the grocery: + + STRAWBERRIES, TWO SHILLINGS A SMELL; + + AND ONE SMELL IS ENOUGH. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES--THE GROCERY MAN IS DECEIVED-- + THE BAD BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING--GOES INTO THE COLORING + BUSINESS--THE OLD MAN THOROUGHLY DISGUISED--UNCLE TOM AND + TOPSY--THE OLD MAN ARRESTED--WHAT THE GROCERY MAN THINKS-- + THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE--RESOLVES TO BE GOOD. + +“See here, you coon, you get out of here,” said the grocery man to the +bad boy, as he came in the store with his face black and shining, “I +don't want any colored boys around here. White boys break me up bad +enough.” + +“O, philopene,” said the bad boy, as he put his hands on his knees and +laughed so the candy jars rattled on the shelves. “You didn't know me. I +am the same boy that comes in here and talks your arm off,” and the boy +opened the cheese box and cut off a piece of cheese so natural that the +grocery man had no difficulty in recognizing him. + +“What in the name of the seven sleeping sisters have you got on your +hands and face,” said the grocery man, as he took the boy by the ear and +turned him around, “You would pass in a colored prayer meeting, and +no one would think you were galvanized. What you got up in such an +outlandish rig for?” + +“Well, I'll tell you, if you will keep watch at the door. If you see +a bald-headed colored man coming along the street with a club, you +whistle, and I will fall down cellar. The bald-headed colored man will +be Pa. You see, we moved yesterday. Pa told me to get a vacation from +the livery stable, and we would have fun moving. But I don't want any +more fun. I know when I have got enough fun. Pa carried all the light +things, and when it came to lifting, he had a crick in the back. Gosh, I +never was so tired as I was last night, and I hope we have got settled, +only some of the goods haven't turned up yet. A drayman took one load +over on the west side, and delivered them to a house that seemed to be +expecting a load of household furniture. He thought it was all right, if +everybody that was moving got a load of goods. Well, after we got moved +Pa said we must make a garden, and we said we would go out and spade +up the ground and sow peas, and radishes, and beets. There was some +neighbors lived in the next house to our new one, that was all wimmen, +and Pa don't like to have them think he had to work, so he said it would +be a good joke to disguise ourselves as tramps, and the neighbors would +think we had hired some tramps to dig in the garden. I told Pa of a boss +scheme to fool them. I suggested that we take some of his shoe blacking +that is put on with a sponge, and black our faces, and the neighbors +would think we had hired an old colored man and his boy to work in the +garden. Pa said it was immense, and he told me to go and black up, and +if it worked he would black hisself. So I went and put this burnt cork +on my face, 'cause it would wash off, and Pa looked at me and said it +was wack, and for me to fix him up too. So I got the bottle of shoe +blacking and painted Pa so he looked like a colored coal heaver. +Actually, when Ma saw him she ordered him off the premises, and when he +laffed at her and acted sassy, she was going to throw biling water on +Pa. But I told her the scheme and she let up on Pa. O, you'd a dide to +see us out in the garden. Pa looked like uncle Tom, and I looked like +Topsy, only I ain't that kind of a colored person.” + +[Illustration: Uncle Tom and Topsy 098] + +“We worked till a boy throwed some tomato cans over the ally fence and +hit me, and I piled over the fence after him and left Pa. It was my +chum, and when I had caught him we put up a job to get Pa to chase us. +We throwed some more cans, and Pa come out and my chum started and I +after him, and Pa after both of us. He chased us two blocks and then we +got behind a policeman, and my chum told the policeman it was a crazy +old colored man that wanted to kidnap us, and the policeman took Pa by +the neck and was going to club him, but Pa said he would go home and +behave. He was offul mad, and he went home and we looked through the +alley fence and saw Pa trying to wash off the blacking. You see that +blacking won't wash off. You have to wear it off. Pa would wash his face +with soap suds, and then look in the glass, and he was blacker everytime +he washed, and when Ma laffed at him he said the offulest words, +something like 'sweet spirit hear my prayer,' then he washed himself +again. I am going to leave my burnt cork on, cause if I washed it off +Pa would know there had been some smouging somewhere. I asked the shoe +store man how long it would take the blacking to wear off, and he said +it ought to wear off in a week. I guess Pa won't go out doors much, +unless it is in the night. I am going to get him to let me go off in the +country fishing, till mine wears off, and when I get out of town I will +wash up. Say, you don't think a little blacking hurts a man's complexion +do you, and you don't think a man ought to get mad because it won't wash +off, do you?” + +“O, probably it don't hurt the complexion,” said the grocery man, as he +sprinkled some fresh water on the wilted lettuce, so it would look fresh +while the hired girl was buying some, “and yet it is mighty unpleasant, +where a man has got an engagement to go to a card party, as I know your +Pa has to-night. As to getting mad about it, if I was your Pa I would +take a barrel stave and shatter your castle scandalous. What kind of a +fate do you think awaits you when you die, anyway?” + +“Well, I am mixed on the fate that awaits me when I die. If I should go +off sudden, with all my sins on my head, and this burnt cork on my face, +I should probably be a neighbor to you, way down below, and they would +give me a job as fireman, and I should feel bad for you every time I +chucked in a nuther chunk of brimstone, and thought of you trying to +swim dog fashion in the lake of fire, and straining your eyes to find an +iceberg that you could crawl up on to cool your parched hind legs. If I +don't die slow so I will have time to repent, and be saved, I shall be +toasted brown. That's what the minister says, and they wouldn't pay him +two thousand dollars a year and give him a vacation to tell anything +that was not so. I tell you it is painful to think of that place that +so many pretty fair average people here are going to when they die. Just +think of it, a man that swears just once, if he don't hedge, and take it +back will go to the bad place. If a person steals a pin, just a small, +no account pin, he is as bad as if he stole all there was in a bank, +and he stands the best chance of going to the bad place. You see, if a +fellow steals a little thing like a pin, he forgets to repent, cause it +don't seem to be worth while to make so much fuss about. But if a fellow +robs a bank, or steals a whole lot of money from orphans, he knows it is +a mighty serious matter, and he gets in his work repenting, too quick, +and he is liable to get to the good place, while you, who have only +stole a few potatoes out of a bushel that you sold to the orphan asylum, +will forget to repent, and you will sizzle. I tell you, the more I read +about being good, and going to Heaven, the more I think a feller can't +be too careful, and from this out you won't find a better boy than I am. +When I come in here after this and take a few dried peaches or crackers +and cheese, you charge it right up to Pa, and then I won't have it on my +mind and have to answer for it at the great judgment day. I am going to +shake my chum, cause he chews tobacco, which is wicked, though I don't +see how that can be, when the minister smokes, but I want to be on the +safe side. I am going to be good or bust a suspender, and hereafter you +can point to me as a boy who has seen the folly of an ill-spent life, +and if there is such a thing as a fifteen year old boy, who has been a +terror, getting to heaven, I am the hairpin. I tell you, when I listen +to the minister tell about the angels flying around there, and I see +pictures of them purtier than any girl in this town, with chubby arms +with dimples in the elbows and shoulders, and long golden hair, and +think of myself here cleaning off horses in a livery stable and smelling +like an old harness, it makes me tired, and I wouldn't miss going there +for ten dollars. Say, you would make a healthy angel, for a back street +of the new Jerusalem, but you would give the whole crowd away unless +you washed up, and sent that shirt to the Chinese laundry. Yes, sir, +hereafter you will find me as good as I know how to be. Now I am going +to wash up and go and help the minister move.” + +As the boy went out the grocery man sat for several minutes thinking of +the change that had come over the bad boy, and wondered what had brought +it about, and then he went to the door to watch him as he wended his way +across the street with his head down, as though in deep thought, and +the grocery man said to himself, “that boy is not as bad as some people +think he is,” and then he looked around and saw a sign hanging up in +front of the store, written on a piece of box cover, with blue pencil:-- + + SPOILED + + CANNED HAM AND TONGUE, + + GOOD ENOUGH + + FOR CHURCH PICNICS. + +and he looked after the boy who was slipping down an alley and said, +“The condemn little whelp. Wait till I catch him.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER--THE BAD BOY TRIES TO LEAD A + DIFFERENT LIFE--MURDER IN THE AIR--THE OLD MAN AND HIS + FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES AWAY-DREADFUL STORIES OF THEIR + WICKED YOUTH--THE CHICKEN COOP INVADED--THE OLD MAN TO THE + RESCUE--THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED. + +“Say, I thought you was going to try to lead a different life,” said the +grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came in with his pockets full +of angle worms, and wanted to borrow a baking powder can to put them +into, while he went fishing, and he held a long angle worm up by the +tail and let it wiggle so he frightened a girl that had come in after +two cents worth of yeast, so she dropped her pitcher and went out of the +grocery as though she was chased by an anaconda. + +“I am going to lead a different life; but a boy can't change his +whole course of life in a minute, can he? Grown persons have to go on +probation for six months before they can lead a different life, and half +the time they lose their cud before the six months expire, and have to +commence again. When it is so alfired hard for a man that is endowed +with sense to break off being bad, you shouldn't expect too much from a +boy But I am doing as well as could be expected--I ain't half as bad as +I was. Gosh, why don't you burn a rag? That yeast that the girl spilled +on the floor smells like it was sick. I should think that bread that was +raised with that yeast would smell like this cooking, butter you sell to +hired girls. + +“Well, never you mind the cooking butter. I know my business. If people +want to use poor butter when they have company, and then blow up the +grocer before folks, I can stand it if they can. But what is this I hear +about your Pa fighting a duel with the minister in your back yard, +and wounding him in the leg, and then trying to drown himself in the +cistern? One of your new neighbors was in here this morning, and told +me there was murder in the air at your house last night, and they were +going to have the police pull your place as a disorderly house. I think +you were at the bottom of the whole business!” + +“O, its all a darn lie, and those neighbors will find they better keep +still about us, or we will lie about them a little. You see, since +Pa got that blacking on his face he don't go out any, and to make it +pleasant for him Ma invited in a few friends to spend the evening. Ma +has got up around, and the baby is a daisy, only it smells like a goat, +on account of drinking the goat's milk. Ma invited the minister, among +the rest, and after supper the men went up into Pa's library to talk. +O, you think I am bad don't you, but of the nine men at our house last +night I am an angel compared with what they were when they were boys. I +got into the bath room to untangle my fish line, and it is next to Pa's +room, and I could hear everything they said, but I went away 'cause I +thought the conversation would hurt my morals. They would all steal, +when they were boys, but darned if I ever stole. Pa has stolen over a +hundred wagon loads of water-melons, one deacon used to rob orchards, +another one shot tame ducks belonging to a farmer, and another tipped +over grindstones in front of the village store, at night, and broke +them, and run, another used to steal eggs, and go out in the woods and +boil them, and the minister was the worst of the lot, 'cause he took a +seine, with some other boys, and went to a stream where a neighbor +was raising brook trout, and cleaned the stream out, and to ward off +suspicion, he went to the man the next day and paid him a dollar to let +him fish in the stream, and then kicked because there were no trout, and +the owner found the trout were stolen and laid it to some Dutch boys. +I wondered, when those men were telling their experience, if they ever +thought of it now when they were preaching and praying, and taking up +collections. I should think they wouldn't say a boy was going to hell +right off 'cause he was a little wild now days, when he has such an +example. Well, lately, somebody has been burgling our chicken coop, +and Pa loaded an old musket with rock salt, and said he would fill the +fellow full of salt if he caught him, and while they were talking up +stairs Ma heard a rooster squawk, and she went to the stairway and +told Pa there was somebody in the hen house. Pa jumped up and told the +visitors to follow him, and they would see a man running down the alley +full of salt, and he rushed out with the gun, and the crowd followed +him. Pa is shorter than the rest, and he passed under the first wire +clothes line in the yard all right, and was going for the hen house on +a jump, when his neck caught the second wire clothesline just as the +minister and two of the deacons caught their necks under the other wire. +You know how a wire, hitting a man on the throat, will set him back, +head over appetite. Well, sir, I was looking out of the back window, +and I wouldn't be positive, but I think they all turned double back +summersaults, and struck on their ears. Anyway, Pa did, and the gun must +have been cocked, or it struck the hammer on a stone, for it went off, +and it was pointed towards the house, and three of the visitors got +salted. The minister was hit the worse, one piece of salt taking him in +the hind leg, and the other in the back, and he yelled as though it was +dynamite.” + +[Illustration: The minister and deacons salted 110] + +“I suppose when you shoot a man with salt, it smarts, like when you get +corned beef brine on your chaped hands. They all yelled, and Pa seemed +to have been knocked silly, some way, for he pranced around and seemed +to think he he had killed them. He swore at the wire clothes line, and +then I missed Pa and heard a splash like when you throw a cat in the +river, and then I thought of the cistern, and I went down and we took Pa +by the collar and pulled him out. O, he was awful damp. No sir, it was +no duel at all, but a naxident, and I didn't have anything to do with +it. The gun wasn't loaded to kill, and the salt only went through the +skin, but those men _did_ yell. May be it was my chum that stirred up +the chickens, but I don't know. He has not commenced to lead a different +life yet, and he might think it would make our folks sick if nothing +occurred to make them pay at-tion. I think where a family has been +having a good deal of exercise, the way ours has, it hurts them to break +off too suddenly. But the visitors went home, real quick, after we got +Pa out of the cistern, and the minister told Ma he always felt when he +was in our house, as though he was on the verge of a yawning crater, +ready to be engulfed any minute, and he guessed he wouldn't come any +more. Pa changed his clothes and told Ma to have them wire clothes lines +changed for rope ones. I think it is hard to suit Pa, don't you? + +“O, your Pa is all right. What he needs is rest. But why are you not +working at the livery stable? You haven't been discharged, have you?” + And the grocery man laid a little lump of concentrated lye, that looked +like maple sugar, on a cake of sugar that had been broken, knowing the +boy would nibble it. + +“No, sir, I was not discharged, but when a livery man lends me a kicking +horse to take my girl out riding, that settles it. I asked the boss if +I couldn't have a quiet horse that would drive himself if I wound the +lines around the whip, and he let me have one he said would go all day +without driving. You know how it is, when a fellow takes a girl out +riding he don't want his mind occupied holding lines. Well, I got my +girl in, and we went out on the Whitefish Bay, road, and it was just +before dark, and we rode along under the trees, and I wound the lines +around the whip, and put one arm around my girl, and patted her under +the chin with my other hand, and her mouth looked so good, and and her +blue eyes looked up at me and twinkled as much as to dare me to kiss +her, and I was all of a tremble, and then my hand wandered around by her +ear and I drew her head up to me and gave her a smack. Say, that was +no kind of a horse to give to a young fellow to take a girl out riding. +Just as I smacked her I felt as though the buggy had been struck with +a pile driver, and when I looked at the horse he was running away and +kicking the buggy, and the lines were dragging on the ground. I was +scared, I tell you. I wanted to jump out but my girl threw her arms +around my neck and screamed, and said we would die together, and just as +we were going to die the buggy struck a fence and the horse broke loose +and went off, leaving us in the buggy, tumbled down by the dash board, +but we were not hurt. The old horse stopped and went to chewing grass, +and looked up at me as though he wanted to say 'philopene.' I tried +to catch him, but he wouldn't catch, and then we waited till dark and +walked home, and I told the livery man what I thought of such treatment, +and he said if I had attended to my driving, and not kissed the girl, I +would have been all right. He said I ought to have told him I wanted a +horse that wouldn't shy at kissing, but how did I know I was going to +get up courage to kiss her. A livery man ought to take it for granted +that when a young fellow goes out with a girl he is going to kiss her, +and give him a horse according. But I quit him at once. I won't work +for a man that hasn't got sense. Gosh! What kind of maple sugar is that? +Jerusalem, whew, give me some water. O, my, it is taking the skin off my +mouth.” + +The grocery man got him some water and seemed sorry that the boy had +taken the lump of concentrated lye by mistake, and when the boy went +out the grocery man pounded his hands on his knees and laughed, and +presently he went out in front of the store and found a sign + + FRESH LETIS, + + BEEN PICKED MORE'N A WEEK, + + TUEFER'N TRIPE. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED--THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE--A + POOR FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY--PROVES HIMSELF A + GALLANT KNIGHT--THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S COURAGE-- + THE GROCERY MAN MORALIZES--FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE-- + THE TABLES TURNED--THE OLD MAN WEARS THE BOY'S OLD CLOTHES. + +“Ah, ha, you have got your deserts at last,” said the grocery man to the +bad boy, as he came in with one eye black, and his nose pealed on on +one side, and sat down on a board across the the coal scuttle, and began +whistling as unconcerned as possible. “What's the matter with your eye?” + +“Boy tried to gouge it out without my consent,” and the bad boy took a +dried herring out of the box and began peeling it. “He is in bed now, +and his ma is poulticing him, and she says he will be out about the last +of next week. + +“O, you are going to be a prize fighter, ain't you,” said the grocery +man, disgusted. “When a boy leaves a job where he is working, and goes +to loafing around, he becomes a fighter the first thing. What your Pa +ought to do is bind you out with a farmer, where you would have to work +all the time. I wish you would go away from here, because you look +like one of these fellows that comes up before the police judge Monday +morning, and gets thirty days in the house of correction. Why don't +you go out and loaf around a slaughter house, where you would look +appropriate?” and the grocery man took a hair-brush and brushed some +sugar and tea, that was on the counter, into the sugar barrel. + +“Well, if you have got through with your sermon, I will toot a little +on my horn,” and the boy threw the remains of the herring over behind +a barrel of potatoes, and wiped his hands on a coffee sack. “If you had +this black eye, and got it the way I did, it would be a more priceless +gem in the crown of glory you hope to wear, than any gem you can get +by putting quarters in the collection plate, with the holes filled with +lead, as you did last Sunday, when I was watching you. O, didn't you +look pious when you picked that filled quarter out, and held your thumb +over the place where the lead was. The way of the black eye was this. I +got a job tending a soda water fountain, and last night, just before we +closed, there was two or three young loafers in the place, and a girl +came in for a glass of soda Five years ago she was one of the brightest +scholars in the ward school, when I was in the intermediate department. +She was just as handsome as a peach, and everybody liked her. At recess +she used to take my part when the boys knocked me around and she lived +near us. She had a heart as big as that cheese box, and I guess that's +what's the matter. Anyway, she left school, and then it was said she was +going to get married to a fellow who is now in the dude business, but he +went back on her and after awhile her ma turned her out doors, and for +a year or two she was jerking beer in a concert saloon, until the mayor +stopped concerts. She tried hard to get sewing to do, but they wouldn't +have her, I guess 'cause she cried so much when she was sewing, and the +tears wet the cloth she was sewing on. Once I asked Pa why Ma didn't +give her some sewing to do, and he said for me to dry up and never speak +to her if I met her on the street. It seemed tuff to pass her on the +street, when she had tears in her eyes as big as marbles, and not speak +to her when I know her so well, and she had been so kind to me at school +just 'cause the dude wouldn't marry her, but I wanted to obey Pa, so I +used to walk around a block when I see her coming, 'cause I didn't want +to hurt her feelings. Well, last night she came in the store, looking +pretty shabby, and wanted a glass of soda, and I gave it to her, and O, +how her hand trembled when she raised the glass to her lips, and how +wet her eyes were, and how pale her face was. I choked up so I couldn't +speak when she handed me the nickel and when she looked up at me and +smiled just like she used to, and said I was getting to be almost a +man since we went to school at the old school house, and put her +handkerchief to her eyes, by gosh, my eyes got so full I couldn't tell +whether is was a nickel or a lozenger she gave me. Just then one of +those loafers began to laugh at her, and call her names, and say the +police ought to take her up for stray, and he made fun of her until she +cried some more, and I got hot and went around to where he was and told +him if he said another unkind word to that girl I would maul him. He +laughed and asked if she was my sister, and I told him that a poor +friendless girl, who was sick and in distress, and who was insulted, +ought to be every boy's sister, for a minute, and any boy who had a +spark of manhood should protect her, and then he laughed and said I +ought to be one of the Little Sisters of the Poor, and he took hold of +her faded shawl and pulled the weak girl against the showcase, and said +something mean to her, and she looked as though she wanted to die, and +I mashed that boy one right on the nose. Well, the air seemed to be full +of me for a minute, 'cause he was bigger than me, and he got me down and +got his thumb in my eye. I guess he was going to take my eye out, but I +turned him over and got on top and I mauled him until he begged, but I +wouldn't let him up till he asked the girl's pardon, and swore he would +whip any boy that insulted her, and then I let him up, and the girl +thanked me; but I told her I couldn't speak to her 'cause she was tuff, +and Pa didn't wan't me to speak to anybody who was tuff; but if anybody +ever insulted her so she had to cry, that I would whip him if I had to +take a club. I told Pa about it, and I thought he would be mad at me for +taking the part of a girl that was tuff, but, by gosh, Pa hugged me, and +the tears came in his eyes, and he said I had got good blood in me, and +I did just right; and if I would show him the father of the boy that I +whipped, Pa said said he could whip the old man, and Ma said for me to +find the poor girl and send her up to the house, and she would give her +a job making pillow cases and night shirts. Don't it seem darn queer to +you that everybody goes back on a poor girl 'cause she makes a mistake, +and the blasted whelp that is to blame gets a chromo. It makes me tired +to think of it;” and the boy got up and shook himself, and looked in +the cracked mirror hanging upon a post, to see how his eye was getting +along. + +“Say, young fellow, you are a thoroughbred,” said the grocery man, as he +sprinkled some water on the asparagus and lettuce, “and you can come in +here and get all the herring you want, and never mind the black eye. I +wish I had it myself. Yes, it does seem tough to see people never +allow a girl to reform. Now, in Bible times, the Savior forgave Mary or +somebody, I forget now what her name was, and she was a better girl than +ever. What we need is more of the spirit of Christ, and the world would +be better.” + +“What we want is about ten thousand Christs. We ought to have ten or +fifteen right here in Milwaukee, and they would find plenty of business, +too. But this climate seems to be too rough. Say, did I tell you about +Pa and Ma having trouble?” + +“No, what's the row?” + +“Well, you see Ma wants to economize all she can, and Pa has been +getting thinner since he quit drinking and reformed, and I have kept on +growing until I am bigger than he is. Funny, ain't it, that a boy should +be bigger than his Pa? Pa wanted a new suit of clothes, and Ma said she +would fix him, and so she took one of my old suits and made it over for +Pa; and he wore them a week before he knew it was on old suit made over, +but one day he found a handful of dried up angle worms in the pistol +pocket that I had forgot when I was fishing, and Pa laid the angle worms +to Ma, and Ma had to explain that she made over one of my old suits for +Pa. He was mad and took them off and threw them out the back window, and +swore he would never humiliate himself by wearing his son's old clothes. +Ma tried to reason with him, but he was awfully worked up, and said he +was no old charity hospital, and he stormed around to find his old suit +of clothes, but Ma had sold them to a plaster of Paris image peddlar, +and Pa hadn't anything to wear, and he wanted Ma to go out in the alley +and pick up the suit he threw out the window; but a rag man had picked +them up and was going away, and Pa, he grabbed a linen duster and put it +on and went out after the rag picker, and he run, and Pa after him; +and the rag man told a policeman there was an escaped lunatic from the +asylum, and he was chasing people all over the city, and the policeman +took Pa by the linen ulster, and pulled it off, and he was a sight when +they took him to the police station. Ma and me had to go down and bail +him out, and the police lent us a tarpaulin to put over Pa, and we got +him home, and he is wearing his summer pants while the tailor makes him +a new suit of clothes. I think Pa is too excitable, and too particular. +I never kicked on wearing Pa's old clothes, and I think he ought to wear +mine now. Well, I must go down to the sweetened wind factory, and jerk +soda,” and the boy went out and hung up a sign in front of the store: + + SPINAGE FOB GREENS, + + THAT THE CAT HAS MADE + + A NEST IN OVER SUNDAY. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES--THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT + THE Y. M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN--THE DELEGATES FLOOD + THEMSELVES WITH SODA--TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA--THE + NIGHT KEY--THE PALL OF THE FLOWER-STAND--DELEGATES IN THE + CELLAR ALL NIGHT--THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS WORKING HIS + REFORMATION. + +“Well, how's your eye?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he blew +in with the wind on the day of the cyclone, and left the door open. +“Say, shut that door. You want to blow everything out of the store? Had +any more fights, protecting girls from dudes?” + +“No, everything is quiet so far. I guess since I have got a record as a +fighter, the boys will be careful who they insult when I am around. But +I have had the hardest week I ever experienced, jerking soda for the +Young Men's Christian Association,” said the boy, as he peeled a banana. + +“What you mean, boy? Don't cast any reflections on such a noble +Association. They don't drink, do they?'' + +“Drink! O, no! They don't drink anything intoxicating, but when it +comes to soda they flood themselves. You know there has been a National +Convention of delegates from all the Young Men's Christian Associations +of the whole country, about three hundred, here, and our store is right +on the street where they passed four times a day, and I never saw such +appetites for soda. There has been, one continual fizz in our store +since Wednesday. The boss wanted me to play it on some of them by +putting some brandy in with the perfumery a few times, but I wouldn't +do it. I guess a few weeks ago, before I had led a different life, I +wouldn't had to be asked twice to play the game on anybody. But a man +can buy soda of me and be perfectly safe. Of course, if a man winks, +when I ask him what flavor he wants, and says 'never mind,' I know +enough to put in brandy. That is different. But I wouldn't smuggle it +into a man for nothing. This Christian Association Convention has caused +a coldness between Pa and Ma though. + +“How's that? Your Pa isn't jealous, is he?” and the grocery man came +around from behind the counter to get the latest gossip to retail to the +hired girls who traded with him. + +“Jealous nothin',” said the boy> as he took a few raisins out of a box. +“You see, the delegates were shuffled out to all the church members to +take care of, and they dealt two to Ma, and she never told Pa anything +about it. They came to supper the first night, and Pa didn't get home, +so when they went to the Convention in the evening Ma gave them a night +key, and Pa came home from the boxing match about eleven o'clock, and +Ma was asleep. Just as Pa got most of his clothes off he heard somebody +fumbling at the front door, and he thought it was burglars. Pa has got +nerve enough, when he is on the inside of the house and the burglars are +on the outside. He opened a window and looked out and saw two suspicious +looking characters trying to pick the lock with a skeleton key, and he +picked up a new slop-jar that Ma had bought when we moved, cover and +all, and dropped it down right between the two del-gates. Gosh, if it +had hit one of them there would have been the solemnest funeral you ever +saw. Just as it struck they got the door opened and came in the hall, +and the wind was blowing pretty hard and they thought a cyclone +had taken the cupola off the house. They were talking about being +miraculously saved, and trying to strike a match on their wet pants, +when Pa went to the head of the stairs and pushed over a wire stand +filled with potted plants, which struck pretty near the delegates, and +one of them said the house was coming down sure, and they better go into +the cellar, and they went down and got behind the furnace. Pa called me +up and wanted me to go down cellar and tell the burglars we were onto +them, and for them to get out, but I wasn't very well, so Pa locked his +door and went to bed. I guess it must have been half an hour before Pa's +cold feet woke Ma up, and then Pa told her not to move for her life, +cause there were two of the savagest looking burglars that ever was, +rumaging over the house. Ma smelled Pa's breath to see if he had got +to drinking again, and then she got up and hid her oraide watch in her +shoes, and her Onalaska diamond ear-rings in the Bible, where she said +no burglar would ever find them, and Pa and Ma laid awake till daylight, +and then Pa said he wasn't afraid, and he and Ma went down cellar. Pa +stood on the bottom stair and looked around, and one of the delegates +said, 'Mister, is the storm over, and is your family safe?' and Ma +recognized the voice and said, 'Why, its one of the delegates. What +are you doing down there?' and Pa said 'What's a delegate?' and then Ma +explained it, and Pa apologized, and the delegate said it was no matter, +as they had enjoyed themselves real well in the cellar. Ma was mortified +most to death, but the delegate told her it was all right. She was mad +at Pa, first, but when she saw the broken slop bowl on the front steps, +and the potted plants in the hall, she wanted to kill Pa, and I guess +she would only for the society of the delegates. She couldn't help +telling Pa he was a bald headed old fool but Pa didn't retaliate--he is +too much of a gentleman to talk back in company. All he said was that a +woman who is old enough to have delegates sawed off on to her ought to +have sense enough to tell her husband, and then they all drifted +off into conversation about the convention and the boxing match, and +everything was all right on the surface; but after breakfast, when the +delegates went to the convention, I noticed Pa went right down town and +bought a new slop-jar and some more plants. Pa and Ma didn't speak all +the forenoon, and I guess they wouldn't up to this time only Ma's bonnet +came home from the milliner's and she had to have some money to pay +for it. Then she called Pa 'pet,' and that settled it. When Ma calls +Pa 'pet,' that is twenty-five dollars. 'Dear, old darling,' means fifty +dollars. But, say, those christian young men do a heap of good, don't +they. Their presence seems to make people better. Some boys down by the +store were going to tie a can on a dog's tail, yesterday, and somebody +said 'here comes the Christian Association,' and those bad boys let the +dog go. They tried to find the dog after the crowd had got by, but the +dog knew his business. Well, I must go down and charge the soda fountain +for a picnic that is expected from the country.” + +“Hold on a minute,” said the grocery man as he wound a piece of brown +paper around a cob and stuck it in a syrup jug he had just filled for +a customer, and then licked his fingers. “I want to ask you a question. +What has caused you to change so from being bad. You were about as bad +as they make 'em, up to a few weeks ago, and now you seem to have a +soul, and get in your work doing good about as well as any boy in town. +What is it that ails you?” + +“O, sugar, I don't want to tell,” said the boy, as he blushed and +wiggled around on one foot, and looked silly; “but if you won't laugh, +I will tell you. It is my girl that has made me good. It may be only +temporary. If she goes back on me I may be tuff again; but if she +continues to hold out faithful I shall be a daisy all the time. Say, did +you ever love a girl? It would do you good, if you loved anybody regular +old fashioned the way I do, people could send little children here to +trade, and you wouldn't palm off any wilted vegetables on to them, or +give them short weight--if you was in love, and felt that the one you +loved saw every act of yours, and you could see her eyes every minute, +you would throw away anything that was spoiled, and not try to sell +it, for fear you would offend her. I don't think any man is fit to do +business honestly unless he is in love, or has been in love once. Now I +couldn't do anything wrong if I tried, because I should hear the still +small voice of my girl saying to me 'Hennery, let up on that.' I slipped +up on a banana peel, yesterday, and hurt myself, and I was just going to +say something offul, and I could see my girl's bangs raise right up, +and there was a pained look in her face, and a tear in her eye, and, by +gosh, I just smiled and looked tickled till her hair went down and the +smile came back again to her lips, though it hurt me like blazes where I +struck the sidewalk. Iwas telling Pa about it, and asked him if he ever +felt as though his soul was going right out towards somebody, and he +said he did once on a steamboat excursion; but he eat a lemon and got +over it. Pa thinks it is my liver, and wants me to take pills, but I +tell you, boss, it has struck in me too deep for pills, unless it is +one that weighs about a hundred and forty pounds, and wears a hat with +a feather on. Say, if my girl should walk right into a burning lake +of red-hot lava, and beckon me to follow, I would take a hop, skip and +jump, and--” + +“O give us a rest,” said the grocery man, a he took a basin of water and +sprinkled the floor preparatory to sweeping out. “You have got the worst +case I ever saw, and you better go out and walk around a block,” and the +boy went out, and forgot to hang out any sign. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA--ENTERS THE + DRAMATIC PROFESSION--“WHAT'S A SUPER”--THE PRIVILEGES OP A + SUPE'S FATHER--BEHIND THE SCENES--THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED + WITH MC'CULLOUGH--“I WAS THE POPULACE”--PLAYS IT ON HIS + SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--“I PRITHEE, AU RESERVOIR, I GO + HENS!” + +“You look pretty sleepy,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he +came in the store yawning, and stretched himself out on the counter +with his head on a piece of brown wrapping paper, in reach of a box of +raisins, “what's the matter? Been sitting up with your girl all night?” + +“Naw! I wish I had. Wakefullness with my girl is sweeter and more +restful than sleep. No, this is the result of being a dutiful son, and I +am tired. You see Pa and Ma have separated. That is, not for keeps, but +Pa has got frightened about burglars, and he gets up into the attic to +sleep. He says it is to get fresh air, but he knows better. Ma has got +so accustomed to Pa's snoring that she can't go to sleep without it, +and the first night Pa left she didn't sleep a wink, and yesterday I was +playing on an old accordeon that I traded a dog collar for after our dog +was poisoned, and when I touched the low notes I noticed Ma dozed oft to +sleep, it sounded so much like Pa's snore, and last night Ma made me set +up and play for her to sleep. She rested splendid, but I am all broke +up, and I sold the accordeon this morning to the watchman who watches +our block, It is queer what a different effect music will have on +different people. While Ma was sleeping the sleep of innocence under +the influence of my counterfeit of Pa's snore, the night watchman was +broke of his rest by it, and he bought it of me to give it to the son of +an enemy of his. Well, I have quit jerking soda. + +“No you don't tell me,” said the grocery man as he moved the box of +raisins out of reach. “You never will amount to anything unless you +stick to one trade or profession. A rolling hen never catches the early +angleworm.” + +“O, but I am all right now. In the soda water business, there is no +chance for genius to rise unless the soda fountain explodes. It is all +wind, and one gets tired of the constant fizz. He feels that he is a +fraud, and when he puts a little syrup in a tumbler, and fires a little +sweetened wind and water in it until the soap suds fills the tumbler, +and charges ten cents for that which only costs a cent, a sensitive soda +jerker, who has reformed, feels that it is worse than three card monte. +I couldn't stand the wear on my conscience, so I have got a permanent +job as a super, and shall open the 1st of September. + +“Say, what's a super? It isn't one of these free lunch places, that the +mayor closes at midnight, is it?” and the grocery man looked sorry. + +“O, thunder, you want salt on you. A super is an adjunct to the stage. A +supe is a fellow that assists the stars and things, carrying chairs and +taking up carpets, and sweeping the sand off the stage after a dancer +has danced a jig, and he brings beer for the actors, and helps lace +up corsets, and anything he can do to add to the effect of the play. +Privately, now, I have been acting as a supe for a long time, on the +sly, and my folks didn't know anything about it, but since I reformed +and decided to be good, I felt it my duty to tell Ma and Pa about it. +The news broke Ma all up, at first, but Pa said some of the best actors +in this country were supes once, and some of them were now, and he +thought suping would be the making of me. Ma thought going on the stage +would be my ruination. She said the theater was the hotbed of sin, and +brought more ruin than the church could head off. But when I told her +that they always gave a supe two or three extra tickets for his family, +she said the theatre had some redeeming features, and when I said my +entrance upon the stage would give me a splendid opportunity to get the +recipe for face powder from the actresses, for Ma, and I could find out +how the actresses managed to get number four feet into number one shoes, +Ma said she wished I would commence suping right off. Ma says there are +some things about the theater that are not so alfired bad, and she wants +me to get seats for the first comic opera that comes along. Pa wants +it understood with the manager that a supe's father has a right to go +behind the scenes to see that no harm befalls him, but I know what Pa +wants. He may seem pious, and all that, but he likes to look at ballet +girls better than any meek and lowly follower I ever see, and some day +you will hear music in the air. Pa thinks theaters are very bad, when +he has to pay a dollar for a reserved seat, but when he can get in for +nothing as a relative of one of the 'perfesh', the theater has many +redeeming qualities. Pa and Ma think I am going into the business fresh +and green, but I know all about it. When I played with McCullough here +once-- + +“Oh, what are you giving us,” said the grocery man in disgust, “when you +played with McCullough! What did you do!” + +“What did I do? Why, you old seed cucumber, the whole play centered +around me. Do you remember the scene in the Roman forum, where +McCullough addressed the populace of Rome? I was the populace. Don't you +remember a small feller standing in front of the Roman orator taking +it in; with a night shirt on, with bare legs and arms? That was me, +and everything depended on me. Suppose I had gone off the stage at the +critical moment, or laughed when I should have looked fierce at the +inspired words of the Roman senator, it would have been a dead give away +on McCollough. As the populace of Rome I consider myself a glittering +success, and Mc took me by the hand when they carried Cæsar's dead +body out, and he said, 'us three did ourselves proud.' Such praise +from McCollough is seldom accorded to a supe. But I don't consider the +populace of the imperial city of Rome my master piece. Where I excel +is in coming out before the curtain between the acts, and unhooking the +carpet. Some supes go out and turn their backs to the audience, showing +patches on their pants, and rip up the carpet with no style about them, +and the dust flies, and the boys yell 'supe,' and the supe gets nervous +and forgets his cue, and goes off tumbling over the carpet, and the +orchestra leader is afraid the supe will fall on him. But I go out with +a quiet dignity that is only gained by experience, and I take hold of +the carpet the way Hamlet takes up the skull of Yorick, and the audience +is paralized. I kneel down on the carpet, to unhook it, in a devotional +sort of a way that makes the audience bow their heads as though they +were in church, and before they realize that I am only a supe I have the +carpet unhooked and march out the way a 'Piscopal minister does when +he goes out between the acts at church to change his shirt. They never +'guy' me, cause I act well my part. But I kick on holding dogs for +actresses. Some supes think they are made if they can hold a dog, but +I have an ambition that a pug dog will not fill. I held Mary Anderson's +cud of gum once, while she went on the stage, and when she came off and +took her gum her fingers touched mine and I had to run my fingers in +my hair to warm them, like a fellow does when he has been snow-balling. +Gosh, but she would freeze ice cream without salt. I shall be glad when +the theatrical season opens, 'cause we actors get tired laying off. + +“Well, I'd like to go behind the scenes with you some night,” said the +grocery man, offering the bad boy an orange to get solid with him, in +view of future complimentary tickets. “No danger, is there?” + +“No danger if you keep off the grass. But you'd a dide to see my Sunday +School teacher one Saturday night last summer. He keeps books in a +store, and is pretty soon week days, but he can tell you more about +Daniel in the lion's den on Sunday than anybody. He knew I was solid at +the theater, and wanted me to get him behind the scenes one night, +and another supe wanted to go to the sparring match, and I thought it +wouldn't be any harm to work my teacher in, so I got him a job that +night to hold the dogs for the Uncle Tom's show. He was in one of the +wings holding the chains, and the dogs were just anxious to go on, and +it was all my teacher could do to hold them. I told him to wind the +chains around his wrists, and he did so, and just then Eliza began to +skip across the ice, and we sicked the blood hounds on before my teacher +could unwind the chains from his wrists, and the dogs pulled him right +out on the stage, on his stomach, and drawed him across, and he jerked +one dog and kicked him in the stomach, and the dog turned on my teacher +and took a mouthful of his coat tail and shook it, and I guess the dog +got some meat, anyway the teacher climbed up a step ladder, and the dogs +treed him, and the step ladder fell down, and we grabbed the dogs +and put some court plaster on the teacher's nose, where the fire +extinguisher peeled it, and he said he would go home, cause the theater +was demoralizing in its tendencies.” + +[Illustration: The Sunday School Teachers first appearance on stage 140] + +“I spose it was not right, but when the teacher stood up to hear our +Sunday School lesson the next day, cause he was tired where the dog bit +him, I said 'sick-em,' in a whisper, when his back was turned, and he +jumped clear over to the Bible class, and put his hands around to his +coat tail as though he thought the Uncle Tom's Cabin party were giving +a matinee in the church. The Sunday school lesson was about the dog's +licking the sores of Lazarus, and the teacher said we must not confound +the good dogs of Bible time with the savage beasts of the present day, +that would shake the daylights out of Lazarus and make him climb the +cedars of Lebanon quicker than you could say Jack Robinson, and go off +chewing the cud of bitter reflection on Lazarus' coat tail. I don't +think a Sunday school teacher ought to bring up personal reminiscences +before a class of children, do you? Well, some time next fall you put +on a clean shirt and a pair of sheet iron pants, with stove legs on the +inside, and I will take you behind the scenes to see some good moral +show. In the meantime, if you have occasion to talk with Pa, tell him +that Booth, and Barrett, and Keene commenced on the stage as supes, and +Salvini roasted peanuts in the lobby of some theater. I want our folks +to feel that I am taking the right course to become a star. I prythee +_au reservoir_. I go hens! but to return. Avaunt!” And the bad boy +walked out on his toes _a la_ Booth. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT--UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD BOY TO + BACKSLIDE--UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS--THEIR + RECORD IS AWFUL--KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE--THE + BED SLATS FIXED--THE OLD MAN TANGLED UP--THIS WORLD IS NOT + RUN RIGHT--UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM TIRED. + +“I hear your Uncle Ezra is here on a visit,” said the grocery man to +the bad boy. “I suppose you have been having a high old time. There is +nothing that does a boy more good than to have a nice visit with a good +uncle, and hear him tell about old times when he and the boy's father +were boys together.” + +“Well, I don't know about it,” said the boy, as he took a stick of +maccaroni, and began to blow paper wads through it at a wood sawyer, who +was filing a saw outside the door. “When a boy who has been tough has +got his pins all set to reform, I don't think it does him any good to +have a real nice Uncle come to the house visiting. Anyway, that's my +experience. I have backslid the worst way, and it is going to take me +a month after Uncle Ezra goes away to climb up to the grace that I have +fallen from. It is darn discouraging,” said the boy as he looked up to +the ceiling in an innocent sort of a way, and hid the macarroni under +his coat when the wood sawyer, who had been hit in the neck, dropped his +saw and got up mad. + +“What's the trouble? Your uncle has the reputation where he lives, of +being one of the pillars of society. But you can't tell about these +fellows when they get away from home. Does he drink?” + +“'No, he don't drink; but as near as I can figure it, he and Pa were +about the worst pills in the box, when they were young. I don't wan't +you to repeat it, but when Pa and Ma were married they eloped. Yes, +sir--actually ran away, and defied their parents--and they had to hide +about a week, for fear Ma's father would fill Pa so full of cold lead +that he would sink if he fell in the water. Pa has been kicked over the +fence, and chased down alleys dozens of times by Ma's grandfather, when +he was sparking Ma; and Ma was a terror too, 'cause her mother couldn't +do anything with her, though she is awful precise now, and wants +everybody to be too good. Why, Ma's mother used to warm her ears, and +shake the daylights out of her, but it didn't do any good. She was +mashed on Pa, and there was no cure for her except to have Pa prescribed +for her as a husband, and they ran away. Uncle Ezra told me all about +it. Ma hain't got any patience with girls now days that have minds of +their own about fellows, and she thinks their parents ought to have all +the say. Well, maybe she thinks she knows all about it. But when people +get in love it is the same now as when Pa and Ma were trying to keep out +of the reach of my grandfather's shot gun. But Pa and Uncle Ezra and Ma +are good friends, and they talk over old times and have a big laugh. +I guess Uncle Ezra was too much for Pa in joking when they were boys, +'cause Pa told me that all rules against joking were suspended while +Uncle Ezra was here, and for me to play any thing on him I could. I told +Pa I was trying to lead a different life, but he said what I wanted to +do was to make Uncle Ezra think of old times, and the only way was to +keep him on the ragged edge. I thought if there was anything I could do +to make it pleasant for my Uncle, it was my duty to do it, so I fixed +the bed slats on the spare bed so they would fall down at 2 A. M. the +first night, and then I retired. At two o'clock I heard the awfulest +noise in the spare room, and a howling and screaming, and I went down +to meet Uncle Ezra in the hall, and he asked me what was the matter in +there, and I asked him if he didn't sleep in the spare room, and he said +no, that Pa and Ma was in there, and he slept in their room. Then we +went in the spare room and you'd a dide to see Pa.” + +[Illustration: Pa was all tied up 146] + +“Ma had jumped out when the slats first fell, and was putting her hair +up in curl papers when we got in, but Pa was all tangled up in the +springs and things. His head had gone down first, and the mattrass and +quilts rolled over him, and he was almost smothered, and we had to take +the bedsted down to get him out, the way you have to unharness a horse +when he runs away and falls down, before you can get him up. Pa was mad, +but Uncle Ezra laughed at him, and told him he was only foundered, and +all he wanted was a bran mash and some horse liniment and he would come +out all right. Uncle Ezra went out in to the hall to get a pail of water +to throw on Pa, 'cause he said Pa was afire, when Pa asks me why in +blazes I didn't fix the other bed slats, and I told him I didn't know +as they were going to change beds, and then Pa said don't let it occur +again. Pa lays everything to me. He is the most changeable man I ever +saw. He told me to do everything Uncle Ezra wanted me to do, and then, +when I helped Uncle Ezra to play a joke on Pa, he was mad. Say, I don't +think this world is run right, do you? I haven't got much time to talk +to you to-day, cause Uncle Ezra and me are going fishing but don't it +strike you that it is queer that parents trounce boys for doing just +what they did themselves. Now, I have got a friend whose father is +a lawyer. That lawyer would warm his boy if he should tell a lie, or +associate with anybody that was bad, and yet the lawyer will defend a +man he knows is guilty of stealing, and get him clear and take the money +he got from the thief, who stole it, to buy the same boy a new coat to +wear to church, and he will defend a man who committed murder, and make +an argument to the jury that will bring tears to their eyes, and they +will clear the murderer. Queer, ain't it? And say, how is it that we +send missionaries to Burmah, to convert them from heathenism, and the +same vessel that takes the missionaries there carries from Boston a +cargo of tin gods to sell to the heathen? Why wouldn't it be better to +send the missionaries to Boston? I think the more a boy learns the more +he gets mixed.” “Well, how's your theater? Have any of the great actors +supported you lately?” said the grocery man, to change the subject. + +“No, we are all off on vacations. Booth and Barrett, and lots of the +stars, are gone to Europe, and the rest work down to less high-toned +places. Some of the theater girls are waiters at summer resorts, and +lots are visiting relatives on farms. I tell you, it makes a difference +whether the relatives are visiting you or you are visiting them. Actors +and actresses feels awfully when an old granger comes to the town +where they are playing, and wants to see them. They are ashamed of his +homespun clothes, and cowhide boots, and they want to meet him in an +alley somewhere, or in the basement of the theater, so the other actors +will not laugh at their rough relatives, but when the season is over, +an actor who can remember a relative out on a farm, is tickled to death, +and the granger is all right enough there, and the actor does not think +of the rough, nutmeg grater hands, and the blistered nose, as long as +the granger relative will put up fried pork and things, and 'support' +the actor. My Uncle Ezra is pretty rough and it makes me tired sometimes +when I am down town with him to have him go into a store where there are +girl clerks and ask what things are for, that I know he don't want, and +make the girls blush, but he is a good hearted old man, and he and +me are going to make a mint of money during vacation. He lives near a +summer resort hotel, and has a stream that is full of minnows, and we +are going to catch minnows and sell them to the dudes for fish bait. He +says some of the fools will pay ten cents apiece for minnows, so if we +sell a million minnows, we make a fortune. I am coming back in September +and will buy out your grocery. Say, let me have a pound of raisins, and +I'll pay you when I sell my uncle's minnows.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK--THE GARDEN + OF EDEN--THE ANCIENT DUDE--ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT ON--“I'M A + THINKER PROM THINKERSVILLE”--THE APOSTLES IN A PATROL WAGON-- + ELIJAH AND ELISHA--THE PRODIGAL SON--A VEAL POT PIE FOR + DINNER. + +“What you sitting there for half an hour for, staring at vacancy?” said +the grocery man to the bad boy, as he sat on a stool by the stove one +of these foggy mornings, when everybody feels like quarreling, with +his fingers clasped around his knee, looking as though he did not know +enough to last him to bed. “What you thinking about anyway?” + +“I was wondering where you would have been today if Noah had run his ark +into such a fog as this, and there had been no fog-horn on Mount Ararat, +and he had passed by with his excursion and not made a landing, and had +floated around on the freshet until all the animals starved, and the ark +had struck a snag and burst a hole in their bottom. I tell you, we can +all congratulate ourselves that Noah happened to blunder on that high +ground. If that ark had been lost, either by being foundered, or being +blowed up by Fenians because Noah was an Englishman, it would have been +cold work trying to populate this world. In that case another Adam and +Eve would have to be made out of dirt and water, and they might have +gone wrong again and failed to raise a family, and where would we have +been? I tell you, when I think of the narrow escapes we have had, it is +a wonder to me that we have got along as well as we have.” + +“Well, when did you get out of the asylum?” said the grocery man, who +had been standing back with his mouth open looking at the boy as though +he was crazy. “What you want is to have your head soaked. You are +getting so you reach out too far with that small mind of yours. In about +another year you will want to run this world yourself. I don't think you +are reforming very much. It is wicked for a boy your size to argue about +such things. Your folks better send you to college.” + +“What do I want to go to college for, and be a heartless hazer, and a +poor base ball player. I can be bad enough at home. The more I read, the +more I think. I don't believe I can ever be good enough to go to heaven, +anyway, and I guess I will go into the newspaper business, where they +don't have to be good, and where they have passes everywhere. Do you +know, I think when I was built they left out a cog wheel or something in +my head. I can't think like some boys. I get to thinking about Adam and +Eve in the Garden of Eden, and of the Dude with the cloven hoof that +flirted with Eve, and treated her and Adam to the dried apples, and I +can't think of them as some boys do, with a fig leaf polonaise, and fig +leaf vests. I imagine them dressed up in the latest style. I know it is +wrong, but that it what a poor boy has to suffer who has an imagination, +and where did I get the imagination? This confounded imagination of mine +shows me Adam with a plug hat on, just like our minister wears, and +a stand up collar, and tight pants, and peaked-toed shoes, and Eve is +pictured to me with a crushed-angleworm colored dress, and brown striped +stockings, and newspapers in her dress to make it stick out, and a hat +with dandelions on, and a red parasol, and a lace handkerchief, which +she puts to her lips and winks with her left eye to the masher who is +standing by the corner of the house, in an attitude, while the tail with +the dart on the end is wound around the rain water barrel, so Eve won't +see it and get scared. Say, don't you think it is better for a boy to +think of our first parents with clothes on, than to think of them almost +naked, exposed to the inclemency of the weather, with nothing but fig +leaves pinned on? I want to do right, as near as I can, but I had rather +think of them dressed like our folks are to-day, than to think of them +in a cyclone with leaves for wearing apparel. Say, it is wrong to fight, +but don't you think if Adam had put on a pair of boxing gloves, when he +found the devil was getting too fresh about the place, and knocked him +out in a couple of rounds, and pasted him in the nose, and fired him +out of the summer garden, that it would have been a big thing for this +world. Now, honest?” + +“Lookahere,” said the grocery man, who had been looking at the boy in +dismay, “You better go right home, and let your Ma fix up some warm +drink for you, and put you to bed. You are all wrong in the head, and if +you are not attended to you will have brain fever. I tell you, boy, you +are in danger. Come I will go home with you.” + +“O, danger, nothin'. I am just telling how things look to a boy who has +not got the facilities for being too good in his youth. Some boys can +take things as they read them, and not think any for themselves, but +I am a Thinker from Thinkerville, and my imagination plays the dickens +with me. There is nothing I read about old times but what I compare it +with the same line of business at the present day. Now, when I think of +the fishermen of Galilee, drawing their seines, I wonder what they would +have done if there had been a law against hauling seines, as there is +in Wisconsin to-day, and I can see a constable with a warrant for the +arrest of the Galilee fishermen, snatching the old apostles and taking +them to the police station in a patrol wagon. I know it is wrong to +think like that, but how can I help it? Say, suppose those fishermen had +been out hauling their seines, and our minister should come along with +his good clothes on, his jointed rod, his nickle-plated reel, and his +silk fish line, and his patent fish hook, and put a frog on the hook +and cast his line near the Galilee fish-man and go to trolling for bass? +What do you suppose the lone fisherman of the Bible times would have +thought about the gall of the jointed rod fisherman? Do you suppose they +would have thrown stones in the water where he was trolling, or would +they have told him there was good trolling around a point about half a +mile up the shore, where they knew he wouldn't get a bite in a week, the +way a fellow of Muskego lake lied to our minister a spell ago? I tell +you, boss, it is a sad thing for a boy to have an imagination,” and the +boy put his other knee in the sling made by the clenched fingers of both +hands, and waited for the grocery man to argue with him. + +“I wish you would go away from here. I am afraid of you,” said the +grocery man. “I would give anything if you Pa or the minister would come +in and have a talk with you. Your mind is wandering,” and the grocery +man went to the door and looked up and down street to see if somebody +wouldn't come in and watch the crazy boy, while he went to breakfast. + +“O, Pa and the minister can't make a first payment on me. Pa gets mad +when I ask questions, and the minister thinks I am past redemption. Pa +said yesterday that baldness was caused, in every case, by men's wearing +plug hats, and when I asked him where the good Elisha, (whom the boys +called 'go up old bald head,' and the bears had a free lunch on them,) +got his plug hat, Pa said school was dismissed and I could go. When +the minister was telling me about the good Elijah going up through the +clouds in a chariot of fire, and I asked the minister what he thought +Elijah would have thought if he had met our Sunday school superintendent +coming down through the clouds on a bicycle, he put his hand on my head +and said my liver was all wrong. Now, I will leave it to you if there +was anything wrong about that. Say, do you know what I think is the most +beautiful thing in the Bible?” + +“No I don't,” said the grocery man, “and if you wan't to tell it I will +listen just five minutes, and then I am going to shut up the store and +go to breakfast. You make me tired.” + +“Well, I think the finest thing is that story about the prodigal son, +where the boy took all the money he could scrape up and went out West +to paint the towns red. He spent his money in riotous living, and saw +everything that was going on, and got full of benzine, and struck all +the gangs of toughs, both male and female, and his stomach went back +on him, and he had malaria, and finally he got to be a cow-boy, herding +hogs, and had to eat husks that the hogs didn't want, and got pretty low +down. Then he thought it was a pretty good scheme to be getting around +home, where they had three meals a day, and spring mattresses; and he +started home, beating his way on the trains, and he didn't know whether +the old man would receive him with open arms or pointed boots; but the +old man came down to the depot to meet him, and right there before the +passengers, and the conductor and brakemen, he wasn't ashamed of his +boy, though he was ragged, and looked as though he had been on the war +path; and the old man fell on his neck and wept, and took him home in a +hack, and had veal pot pie for dinner. That's what I call sense. A good +many men now days would have put the police on the tramp and had him +ordered out of town. What, you going to close up the store? Well, I will +see you later. I want to talk with you about something that is weighing +on my mind,” and the boy got out just in time to save his coat tail +from being caught in the door, and when the grocery man came back from +breakfast he found a sign in front:-- + + THIS STORE IS CLOSED + TILL FURTHER NOTICE. + + SHERIFF. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + THE DEPARTED ROOSTER--THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON DEATH-- + THE DEAD ROOSTER--A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH--THE TENDERNESS + BETWEEN THE ROOSTER AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN--THE HEN RETIRES TO + SET--THE CHICKENS!--THE PROUD ROOSTER DIES--THE FICKLE HEN + FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE. + +“Why don't you take an ice pick and clean the dirt out from under your +finger nails?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the +store and stroked the cat the wrong way as she lay in the sun on the +counter, on a quire of manilla paper. + +“Can't remove the dirt for thirty days--it is an emblem of mourning. Had +a funeral at our house, yesterday;” and the boy took a pickle out of a +tub and put it in the cat's mouth, and shut her teeth together on it, +and then went to the show case, while the grocery man whose back had +been turned during the pickle exercise, thought by the way the cat +jumped into the dried apple barrel, and began to paw and scratch with +all four of her feet, and yowl, that she was going to have a fit. + +“I hadn't heard about it,” said the grocery man, as he took the cat by +the neck and tossed her out in the back shed into an old oyster box full +of sawdust, with a parting injunction that if she was going to have fits +she better go out where there was plenty of fresh air. “Death is always +a sad thing to contemplate. One day we are full of health, and joy, and +cold victuals, and the next we are screwed down in a box, a few words +are said over our remains, a few tears are shed, and there is a race to +see who shall get back from the cemetery first; and though we may think +we are an important factor in the world's progress, and sometimes feel +as though it would be unable to put up margins and have to stop the +deal, the world goes right along, and it must annoy people who die to +realize that they don't count for game. The greatest man in the world is +only a nine spot when he is dead, because somebody else takes the tricks +the dead man ought to have taken. But, say, who is dead at your house?” + +“Our rooster! Take care, don't you hit me with that canvassed ham!” said +the boy as the grocery man looked mad to learn that there was nobody +dead but a rooster, when he had preached such a sermon on the subject. +“Yes, how soon we are forgotten when we are gone. Now, you would have +thought that rooster's hen would have remained faithful to him for a +week at least. I have watched them all the spring, and I never saw a +more perfect picture of devotion than that between the bantam rooster +and his hen. They were constantly together, and there was nothing too +good for her. He would dig up angle worms and call her, and when she +came up on a gallop and saw the great big worm on the ground, she would +look so proud of her rooster, and he would straighten up and look as +though he was saying to her, 'I'm a daisy,' and then she would look at +him as if she would like to bite him, and just as she was going to pick +up the worm he would snatch it and swallow it himself, and chuckle and +walk around and be full of business, as though wondering why she didn't +take the worm after he had dug it for her, and then the hen would look +disappointed at first and then she would look resigned, as much as to +say, 'Worms are too rich for my blood anyway, and the poor dear rooster +needs them more than I do, because he has to do all the crowing,' and +she would go off and find a grasshopper and eat it on the sly for fear +he would see her and complain because she didn't divide. O, I have never +seen anything that seemed to me so human as the relations between that +rooster and hen. He seemed to try to do everything for her. He would +make her stop cackling when she laid an egg, and he would try to cackle, +and crow over it as though he had laid it, and she would get off in a +corner and cluck in a modest, retiring manner, as though she wished to +convey the idea to the servant girls in the kitchen that the rooster had +to do all the hard work, and she was only a useless appendage, fit only +for society and company for him. But I was disgusted with him when the +poor hen was setting. The first week that she sat on the eggs he seemed +to get along first rate, because he had a couple of flower beds to dig +up, which a press of business had caused him to neglect before, and a +couple of neighbors' gardens to destroy, so he seemed to be glad to have +his hen retire to her boudoir and set, but after he had been shooed out +of the gardens and flower beds he seemed to be nervous, and evidently +wanted to be petted, and he would go near the hen and she would seem to +tell him to go and take a walk around the block, because she hadn't time +to leave her business, and if she didn't attend to it they would have a +lot of spoiled eggs on their hand, and no family to bring up. He would +scold, and seem to tell her that it was all foolishness, that for his +part he didn't want to hear a lot of chickens squawking around. He +would seem to argue with her that a brood of chickens would be a dead +give-away on them both, and they would be at once classed as old folks, +while if they were alone in the world they would be spring chickens, and +could go in young society, but the hen would scold back, and tell him +he ought to be ashamed of himself to talk that way, and he would go off +mad, and sulk around a spell, and then go to a neighbor's hen-house +and sometimes he wouldn't come back till the next day. The hen would be +sorry she had spoken so cross, and would seem pained at his going away +and would look anxiously for his return, and when he came back after +being out in the rain all night, she would be solicitious after his +health, and tell him he ought to wrap something around him, but he acted +as though he didn't care for his health, and he would go out again +and get chilled through. Finally the hen come off the nest with ten +chickens, and the rooster seemed very proud, and when anybody came out +to have a look at them he would crow, and seemed to say they were all +his chickens, though the hen was a long time hatching them, and if it +had been him that was setting on them he could have hatched them out in +a week, or died a trying. But the exposure told on him, and he went into +a decline, and one morning we found him dead. Do you know, I never see +a hen that seemed to realize a calamity as she did. She looked pale, +and her eyes looked red, and she seemed to be utterly crushed. If the +chickens, which were so young they could not realize that they were +little orphans, became noisy, and got to pulling and hauling over a +worm, and conducted themselves in an unseemly manner, she would talk to +them in hen language, with tears in her eyes, and it was a picture of +woe. But the next day a neighboring rooster got to looking through the +fence from the alley, and trying to flirt with her. At first she was +indignant, and seemed to tell him he ought to go about his business, and +leave her alone, but the dude kept clucking, and pretty soon the widowed +hen edged up towards the fence, and asked him to come in, but the hole +in the fence was too small for him, and then the chickens went out in +the alley, and the hen followed them out. I shall always think she told +the chickens to go out, so she would have an excuse to go after them, +and flirt with the rooster, and I think it is a perfect shame. She is +out in the alley half the time, and I could cuff her. It seems to me +wrong to so soon forget a deceased rooster, but I suppose a hen can't be +any more than human. Say, you don't want to buy a good dead rooster +do you? You could pick it and sell it to somebody that owes you, for a +spring chicken.” + +“No, I don't want any deceased poultry, that died of grief, and you +better go home and watch your hen, or you will be bereaved some more,” + and the grocery man went out in the shed to see if the cat was over +its fit, and when he came back the boy was gone, and after a while the +grocery man saw a crowd in front of the store and he went out and found +the dead rooster lying on the vegetable stand, with a paper pinned on +its breast on which was a sign:-- + + THIS RUSTER DIDE OF COLIX. + + FOR SALE CHEAP TO BOARDING HOUSE ONLY. + +He took the dead rooster and threw it out in the street, and looked +up and down the street for the bad boy, and went in and hid a raw hide +where he could reach it handy. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN. UNCLE EZRA RETURNS--THE BASKET + ON THE STEPS--THE ANONYMOUS LETTER--“O BROTHER THAT I SHOULD + LIVE TO SEE THIS DAY!”--AN UGLY DUTCH BABY--THE OLD MAN + WHEELS THE BABY NOW--A FROG IN THE OLD MAN'S BED. + +“I see your Pa wheeling the baby around a good deal lately,” said the +grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the store one evening to buy a +stick of striped pepperment candy for the baby, while his Pa stopped +the baby wagon out on the sidewalk and waited for the boy, with an +expression of resignation on his face. + +“What's got into your Pa to be nurse girl this hot weather?” + +“O, we have had a circus at our house,” said the boy, as he came in +after putting the candy in the baby's hand. “You see, Uncle Ezra came +back from Chicago, where he had been to sell some cheese, and he stopped +over a couple of days with us, and he said we must play one more joke +on Pa before he went home. We played it, and it is a wonder I am alive, +because I never saw Pa so mad in all my life. Now this is the last time +I go into any joke on shares. If I play any more jokes I don't want any +old Uncle to give me away.” + +“What is it?” said the grocery man, as he took a stool and sat out +by the front door beside the boy who was trying to eat a box of red +raspberries on the sly. + +“Well Uncle Ezra and me bribed the nurse girl to dress the baby up one +evening in some old, dirty baby clothes, belonging to our wash woman's +baby, and we put it in a basket and placed the basket on the front door +step, and put a note in the basket and addressed it to Pa. We had +the nurse girl stay out in front, by the basement stairs, so the baby +couldn't get away and she rung the bell and got behind something. Ma and +Pa, and Uncle Ezra and me were in the back parlor when the bell rung, +and Ma told me to go to the door, and I brought in the basket, and set +it down, and told Pa there was a note in it for him. Ma, she came up +and looked at the note as Pa tore it open, and Uncle Ezra looked in the +basket and sighed. Pa read part of the note and stopped and turned pale, +and sat down then Ma read some of it, and she didn't feel very well, +and she leaned against the piano and grated her teeth. The note was in a +girl's hand writing, and was like this: + + “Old Bald Headed Pet:-- + + “You will have to take care of your child, because I cannot. + Bring it up tenderly, and don't, for heaven's sake, send it + to the Foundling Asylum. I shall go drown myself. + + “Your loving, + + “Almira.” + +“What did your Ma say?” said the grocery man, becoming interested. + +“O, Ma played her part well. Uncle Ezra had told her the joke, and she +said 'retch,' to Pa, just as the actresses do on the stage, and put her +handkerchief to her eyes. Pa said it was 'false,' and Uncle Ezra said, +'O, brother, that I should live to see this day,' and I said, as I +looked in the basket, 'Pa, it looks just like you, and I'll leave it to +Ma.' That was too much, and Pa got mad in a minute. He always gets mad +at me. But he went up and looked in the basket, and he said it was some +Dutch baby, and was evidently from the lower strata of society, and the +unnatural mother wanted to get rid of it, and he said he didn't know any +'Almira' at all. When he called it a dutch baby, and called attention to +its irregular features, that made Ma mad, and she took it up out of the +basket and told Pa it was a perfect picture of him, and tried to put it +in Pa's arms, but he wouldn't have it, and said he would call the police +and have it taken to the poor house. Uncle Ezra took Pa in a corner +and told him the best thing he could do would be to see 'Almira' and +compromise with her, and that made Pa mad, and he was going to hit uncle +Ezra with a chair. Pa was perfectly wild, and if he had a gun I guess he +would have shot all of us. Ma took the baby up stairs and had the girl +put it to bed, and after Pa got mad enough Uncle Ezra told him it was +all a joke, and it was his own baby, that we had put in the basket, and +then he was madder than ever, and he told Uncle Ezra never to darken his +door again. I don't how know he made up with Ma for calling it a dutch +baby from the Polack settlement, but anyway, he wheels it around every +day, and Ma and Pa have got so they speak again.” + +“That was a mighty mean trick, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. +Where do you expect to fetch up when you die?” said the grocery man. + +“I told Uncle Ezra it was a mean trick,” said the boy, “but he said that +wasn't a priming to some of the tricks Pa had played on him years ago. +He says Pa used to play tricks on everybody. I may be mean, but I never +played wicked jokes on blind people as Pa did when he was a boy. Uncle +Ezra says once there was a party of four blind vocalists, all girls, +gave an entertainment at the town where Pa lived, and they stayed at the +hotel where Pa tended bar. Another thing I never sold rum, either, as +Pa did. Well, before the blind vocalists went to bed Pa caught a lot of +frogs and put them in the beds where the girls were to sleep, and when +the poor blind girls got into bed the frogs hopped over them, and the +way they got out was a caution. It is bad enough to have frogs hopping +all over girls that can see, but for girls that are deprived of their +sight, and don't know what anything is, except by the feeling of it, it +looks to me like a pretty tough joke. I guess Pa is sorry now for what +he did, 'cause when Uncle Ezra told the frog story, I brought home a +frog and put it in Pa's bad. Pa has been afraid of paralysis for years, +and when his leg, or anything gets asleep, he thinks that is the end of +him. Before bedtime I turned the conversation onto paralysis, and +told about a man about Pa's age having it on the West side, and Pa +was nervous, and soon after he retired I guess the frog wanted to get +acquainted with Pa, 'cause he yelled six kinds of murder, and we went +into his room. You know how cold a frog is? Well, you'd a dide to see +Pa. He laid still, and said his end had come, and Uncle Ezra asked +him if it was the end with the head on, or the feet, and Pa told him +paralysis had marked him for a victim, and he could feel that his left +leg was becoming dead. He said he could feel the cold, clammy hand of +death walking up him, and he wanted Ma to put a bottle of hot water to +his feet. Ma got the bottle of hot water and put it to Pa's feet, and +the cork came out and Pa said he was dead, sure enough, now, because he +was hot in the extremities, and that a cold wave was going up his leg. +Ma asked him where the cold wave was, and he told her, and she thought +she would rub it, but she began to yell the same kind of murder Pa did, +and she said a snake had gone up her sleeve. Then I thought it was time +to stop the circus, and I reached up Ma's lace sleeve and caught the +frog by the leg and pulled it out, and told Pa I guessed he had taken my +frog to bed with him, and I showed it to him, and then he said I did it, +and he would maul me so I could not get up alone, and he said that a boy +that would do such a thing would go to hell as sure as preachin' and +I asked him if he thought a man who put frogs in the beds with blind +girls, when he was a boy, would get to heaven, and then he told me to +lite out, and I lit. I guess Pa will feel better when Uncle Ezra goes +away, cause he thinks Uncle Ezra talks too much about old times. Well, +here comes our baby wagon, and I guess Pa has done penance long enough, +and I will go and wheel the kid awhile. Say, you call Pa in, after I +take the baby wagon, and tell him you don't know how he would get along +without such a nice boy as me, and you can charge it in our next months' +bill.” + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES--TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL POCKET-- + THE GROCERY MAN'S CAT--THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL-- + ASLEEP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY--GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE + SOLDIER'S HOME--TERRIBLE FOURTH. OF JULY MISADVENTURES--THE + GIRL WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING. + +“Here, condemn you, you will pay for that cat,” said the grocery man to +the bad boy, as he came in the store all broke up, the morning after the +4th of July. + +“What cat?” said the boy as he leaned against the zinc ice box to cool +his back, which had been having trouble with a bunch of fire crackers in +his pistol pocket. “We haven't ordered any cat from here. Who ordered any +cat sent to our house? We get our sausage at the market,” and the boy +rubbed some cold cream on his nose and eyebrows where the skin was off. + +“Yes, that is all right enough,” said the grocery man, “but somebody +who knew where that cat slept, in the box of sawdust, back of the store, +filled it full of firecrackers, Wednesday forenoon, when I was out to +see the procession, and never notified the cat, and touched them off, +and the cat went through the roof of the shed, and she hasn't got +hair enough left on her to put in tea. Now, you didn't show up all the +forenoon, and I went and asked your Ma where you was, and she said you +had been sitting up four nights straight along with a sick boy in the +Third Ward, and you was sleeping all the forenoon the 4th of July. If +that is so, that lets you out on the cat, but it don't stand to reason. +Own up, now, was you asleep all the forenoon, the 4th, while other boys +were celebrating, or did you scorch my cat?” and the grocery man looked +at the boy as though he would believe every word he said, if he _was_ +bad. + +“Well, said the bad boy as he yawned as though he had been up all night, +“I am innocent of sitting up with your cat, but I plead guilty +to sitting up with Duffy. You see, I am bad, and it don't make any +difference where I am, and Duffy thumped me once when we were playing +marbles, and I said I would get even with him some time. His Ma washes +for us, and when she told me that her boy was sick with fever, and had +nobody to stay with him while she was away, I thought it would be a good +way to get even with Duffy, when he was weak, and I went down there to +his shanty and gave him his medicine, and read to him all day, and he +cried 'cause he knew I ought to have mauled him, and that night I sat up +with him while his Ma did the ironing, and Duffy was so glad that I went +down every day and stayed there every night, and fired medicine down +him, and let his Ma sleep, and Duffy has got mashed on me, and he says I +will be an angel when I die. Last night makes five nights I have sat up +with him, and he has got so he can eat beef tea and crackers. My girl +went back on me 'cause she said I was sitting up with some other girl. +She said that Duffy story was too thin, but Duffy's Ma was washing at +my girl's house and she proved what I said, and I was all right again. +I slept all the forenoon the 4th, and then stayed with Duffy till 4 +o'clock, and got a furlough and took my girl to the Soldiers' Home. I +had rather set up with Duffy, though.” + +“O, get out. You can't make me believe you had rather stay in a sick +room and set up with a boy, than to take a girl to the 4th of July,” + said the grocery man, as he took a brush and wiped the saw dust off some +bottles of peppersauce that he was taking out of a box. “You didn't +have any trouble with the girl, did you?” “No,--not with her,” said +the boy, as he looked into the little round zinc mirror to see if his +eyebrows were beginning to grow. “But her Pa is so unreasonable. I think +a man ought to know better than to kick a boy right where he has had a +pack of firecrackers explode in his pocket. You see, when I brought the +girl back home, she was a wreck. Don't you ever take a girl to the 4th +of July. Take the advice of a boy who has had experience. We hadn't more +than got to the Soldier's Home grounds before some boys who were playing +tag grabbed hold of my girl's crushed-strawberry polonaise and ripped it +off. That made her mad, and she wanted me to take offense at it, and I +tried to reason with the boys and they both jumped on me, and I see the +only way to get out of it honorably, was to get out real spry, and I got +out. Then we sat down under a tree, to eat lunch, and my girl swallowed +a pickle the wrong way, and I pounded her on the back, the way Ma does +when I choke, and she yelled, and a policeman grabbed me and shook me, +and asked me what I was hurting that poor girl for, and told me if I did +it again he would arrest me. Everything went wrong.” + +[Illustration: Fourth of July misadventures 178] + +“After dark somebody fired a Roman candle into my girl's hat, and set it +on fire, and I grabbed the hat and stamped on it, and spoiled the hair +her Ma bought her. By gosh, I thought her hair was curly, but when the +wig was off, her hair was as straight as could be. But she was purty, +all the same. We got under another tree, to get away from the smell of +burned hair, and a boy set off a niger chaser, and it ran right at my +girl's feet, and burned her stockings, and a woman put the fire out for +her, while I looked for the boy that fired the niger chaser, but I did'nt +want to find him. She was pretty near a wreck by that time, though she +had all her dress left except the polonaise, and we went and sat under a +tree in a quiet place, and I put my arm around her and told her never +to mind the accidents, cause it would be dark when we got home, and +just then a spark dropped down through the trees and fell in my pistol +pocket, right next to her, where my bunch of fire crackers was, and they +began to go off. Well, I never saw such a sight as she was. Her dress +was one of these mosquito bar, cheese cloth dresses, and it burned just +like punk. I had presence of mind enough to roll her on the grass and +put out the fire, but in doing that I neglected my own conflagration, +and when I got her put out, my coat tail and trousers were a total loss. +_My_, but she looked like a goose that had been picked, and I looked +like a fireman that fell through a hatchway. My girl wanted to go home, +and I took her home, and her pa was setting on the front steps, and he +wouldn't accept her, looking that way. He said he placed in my possession +a whole girl, clothed in her right mind, and I had brought back a burnt +offering. He teaches in our Sunday-school, and knows how to talk +pious, but his boots are offul thick. I tried to explain that I was not +responsible for the fireworks, and that he could bring in a bill against +the government and I showed him how I was bereaved of a coat tail and +some pants, but he wouldn't reason at all, and when his foot hit me I +thought it was the resurrection, sure, and when I got over the fence, +and had picked myself up I never stopped till I got to Duffy's and I +set up with him, cause I thought her pa was after me, and I thought +he wouldn't enter a sick room and maul a watcher at the bedside of an +invalid. But that settles it with me about celebrating. I don't care if +we _did_ whip the British, after declaring independence, I don't want my +pants burnt off. What is the declaration of independence good for to a +girl who looses her polonaise, and has her hair burnt off, and a nigger +chaser burning her stockings? No, sir, they may talk about the glorious +4th of July, but will it bring back that blonde wig, or re-tail my coat? +Hereafter I am a rebel, and I will go out in the woods the way Pa does, +and come home with a black eye, got in a rational way. + +“What, did your Pa get a black eye, too? I hadn't heard about that,” + said the grocery man, giving the boy a handful of unbaked peanuts to +draw him out. “Didn't get to fighting, did he?” + +“No, Pa don't fight. It is wrong, he says, to fight, unless you are +sure you can whip the fellow, and Pa always gets whipped, so he quit +fighting. You see, one of the deacons in our church lives out on a farm, +and his folks were going away to spend the 4th, and he had to do all the +chores, so he invited Pa and Ma to come out to the farm and have a nice +quiet time, and they went. There is nothing Pa likes better than to go +out on a farm, and pretend he knows everything. When the farmer got Pa +and Ma out there he set them to work, and Ma shelled peas while Pa went +to dig potatoes for dinner. I think it was mean for the deacon to send +Pa out in the corn field to dig potatoes, and set the dog on Pa, and +tree him in an apple tree near the bee hives, and then go and visit +with Ma and leave Pa in the tree with the dog barking at him. Pa said +he never knew how mean a deacon could be, until he had sat on a limb of +that apple tree all the afternoon. About time to do chores the farmer +came and found Pa, and called the dog off, and Pa came down, and then +the farmer played the meanest trick of all. He said city people didn't +know how to milk cows, and Pa said he wished he had as many dollars +as he knew how to milk cows. He said his spechulty was milking kicking +cows, and the farmer gave Pa a tin pail and a milking stool and let down +the bars, and pointed out to Pa 'the worst cow on the place.' Pa knew +his reputation was at stake, and he went up to the cow and punched it in +the flank and said, “hist, confound you.” Well, the cow wasn't a histing +cow, but a histing bull, and Pa knew it was a bull as quick as he see +it put down its head and beller, and Pa dropped the pail and stool and +started for the bars, and the bull after Pa. I don't think it was right +in Ma to bet two shillings with the farmer that Pa would get to the bars +before the bull did, though she won the bet. Pa said he knew it was a +bull just as soon as the horns got tangled up in his coat tail, and when +he struck on the other side of the bars, and his nose hit the ash barrel +where they make lye for soap, Pa said he saw more fireworks than we did +at the Soldier's Home, Pa wouldn't celebrate any more, and he came home, +after thanking the farmer for his courtesies, but he wants me to borrow +a gun and go out with him hunting. We are going to shoot a bull and a +dog, and some bees, may be we will shoot the farmer, if Pa keeps on as +mad as he is now. Well, we won't have another 4th of July for a year, +and may be by that time my girl's polonaise and hair will grow out, and +that bull may become gentle, so Pa can milk it. Ta-ta.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + WORKING OK SUNDAY--TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY--“NOT ANY + GRINDSTONE FOR HENNERY!”--THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT-- + ANOTHER JOB ON THE OLD MAN--HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT + MIXED--THE NUMEROUS FUNERALS--THE MINISTER APPEARS--THE BAD + BOY GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE. + +“Hello,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in looking sick +at heart, and all broke up, “How is your muscle this morning?” + +“All right enough,” said the boy, with a look of inquiry, as though +wondering what was coming next. “Why?” + +“O, nothing, only I was going to grind the hatchet, and some knives and +things, this morning, and I thought maybe you would like to go out +in the shed and turn the grindstone for me, to develop your muscles. +Turning a grindstone is the healthiest thing a boy can do.” + +“That is all right enough,” said the bad boy, as he took up a sweet +cracker, “but please take a good look at me. Do I look like a grindstone +boy? Do I resemble a good little boy that can't say 'no,' and goes off +and turns a grindstone half a day for some old duffer, who pays him by +giving him a handful of green currants, or telling him he will be a man +some day, and the boy goes off one way, with a lame back, while the +good man goes the other way, with a sharp scythe, and a chuckle at +the softness of the boy? You are mistaken in me. I have passed the +grindstone period, and you will have to pick up another sardine who has +never done circular work. Not any grindstone for Hennery, if you please.” + +“You are getting too smart,” said the grocery man, as he charged a +pound of sweet crackers to the boy's father. “You don't have to turn the +grindstone if you don't want to.” + +“That's what I thought,” says the boy as he takes a handful of +blueberries. “You grindstone sharps, who are always laying for a fool +boy to give taffy to, and get him to break his back, don't play it fine +enough. You bear on too hard on the grindstone. I have seen the time +when a man could get me to turn a grindstone for him till the cows come +home, by making me believe it was fun, and by telling me he never saw +a boy that seemed to throw so much soul into turning a grindstone as I +did, but I have found that such men are hypocrites. They inveigle a boy +into their nest, like the spider does the fly, and at first they don't +bear on hard, but just let the blade of the axe or the scythe touch +the grindstone, and they make a boy believe he is a bigger man than old +Grant. They bet him he will get tired, and he bets that he can turn a +grindstone as long as anybody, and when the boy has got his reputation +at stake, then they begin to bear on hard, and the boy gets tired, but +he holds out, and when the tools are ground he says he is as fresh as +a daisy, when he is tired enough to die. Such men do more to teach boys +the hollowness of the world, and its tricky features, than anything, and +they teach boys to know who are friends and who are foes. No, sir, the +best way is to hire a grown person to turn year grind one. I remember I +turned a grindstone four hours for a farmer once, and when I got through +he said I could go to the spring and drink all the water I wanted for +nothing. He was the tightest man I ever saw. Why, tight! That man was +tight enough to hold kerosene.” + +“That's all right. Who wanted you to turn grindstone anyway? But what +is it about your Pa and Ma being turned out of church? hear that they +scandalized themselves horribly last Sunday.” + +“Well, you see, me and my chum put up a job on Pa to make him think +Sunday was only Saturday and Ma she fell into it, and I guess we are all +going to get fired from the church for working on Sunday. You see they +didn't go to meetin' last Sunday because Ma's new bonnet hadn't come, +and Monday and Tuesday it rained and the rest of the week was so muddy +no one called, or they could not get anywhere, so Monday I slid out +early and got the daily paper, and on Tuesday my chum he got the paper +off the steps and put Monday's paper in its place. I watched when they +were reading it, but they did not notice the date. Then Wednesday we put +Tuesday's paper on the steps and Pa said it seemed more than Tuesday, +but Ma she got the paper of the day before and looked at the date and +said it seemed so to her but she guessed they had lost a day somehow. +Thursday we got Wednesday's paper on the steps, and Friday we rung in +Thursday's paper, and Saturday my chum he got Friday's paper on the +steps, and Ma said she guessed she would wash to-morrow, and Pa said he +believed he would hoe in the garden and get the weeds out so it would +look better to folks when they went by Sunday to church. Well, Sunday +morning came, and with it Saturday's daily paper, and Pa barely glanced +it over as he got on his overalls and went out in his shirt sleeves a +hoeing in the front garden. And I and my chum helped Ma carry water to +wash. She said it seemed like the longest week she ever saw, but when +we brought the water, and took a plate of pickles to the hired girl that +was down with the mumps, we got in the lilac bushes and waited for the +curtain to rise. It wasn't long before folks began going to church and +you'd a dide laughing to see them all stop in front of where Ma was +washing and look at her, and then go on to where Pa was hoeing weeds and +stop and look at him, and then drive on. After about a dozen teams had +passed I heard Ma ask Pa if he knew who was dead, as there must be a +funeral somewhere. Pa had just hoed into a bumblebee's nest and said he +did not know of any that was dead, but knew some that ought to be, and +Ma she did not ask any foolish questions any more. After about twenty +teams had stopped, Ma she got nervous and asked Deacon Smith if he saw +anything green; he said something about desecration, and drove away +Deacon Brown asked Pa if he did not think he was setting, a bad example +before his boy; but Pa, he said he thought it would be a good one if the +boy could only be hired to do it. Finally Ma got mad and took the tub +behind the house where they could not see her. About four o'clock that +afternoon we saw a dozen of our congregation headed by the minister, +file into our yard, and my chum and I knew it was time to fly, so we +got on the back steps where we could hear. Pa met them at the door, +expecting some bad news; and when they were seated, Ma she came in and +remarked it was a very unhealthy year, and it stood people in hand to +meet their latter end. None of them said a word until the elder put on +his specs, and said it was a solemn occasion, and Ma she turned pale, +and wondered who it could be, and Pa says 'don't keep us in suspense, +who is dead?' and the elder said no one was dead; but they called as a +duty they owed the cause to take action on them for working on Sunday. +Ma, she fainted away, and they threw a pitcher of water down her back, +and Pa said he guessed they were a pack of lunatics, but they all swore +it was Sunday, and they saw Ma washing and Pa out hoeing, as they went +to church, and they had called to take action on them. Then there was +a few minutes low conversation I could not catch, and then we heard Pa +kick his chair over and say it was more tricks of that darned boy. Then +we knew it was time to adjourn, and I was just getting through the back +fence as Pa reached me with a barrel stave, and that's what makes me +limp some!” + +“That was real mean in you boys,” said the grocery man. “It will be hard +for your Pa and Ma to explain that matter. Just think how bad they must +feel.” + +“O, I don't know. I remember hearing Pa and Uncle Ezra tell how they +fooled their father once, and got him to go to mill with a grist, on +Sunday, and Pa said he would defy anybody to fool him on the day of the +week. I don't think a man ought to tempt his little boy by defying him +to fool his father. Well, I'll take a glass of your fifty cent cider and +go,” and soon the grocery man looked out the window and found somebody +had added a cypher to the 'Sweet cider, only five cents a glass,' making +it an expensive drink, considering it was made of sour apples. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED--THE OLD MAN BEGINS DRINKING + AGAIN--THINKS BETTING IS HARMLESS--HAD TO WALK HOME FROM + CHICAGO--THE SPECTACLES CHANGED--A SMALL SUIT OF CLOTHES-- + THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED--“HENNERY YOUR PA IS A MIGHTY + SICK MAN”--THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN. + +“Come in,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth stood +on the steps in an uncertain sort of away, as though he did not know +whether he would be welcome or not. “I tell you, boy, I pity you. I +understand your Pa has got to drinking again. It is too bad. I can't +think of anything that humiliates a boy, and makes him so ashamed, as +to have a father that is in the habit of hoisting in too much benzine. +A boy feels as though everybody was down on him, and I don't wonder that +such boys often turn out bad. What started your Pa to drinking again?” + +“O, Ma thinks it was losing money on the Chicago races. You see, Pa is +great on pointers. He don't usually bet unless he has got a sure thing, +but when he gets what they call a pointer, that is, somebody tells him a +certain horse is sure to win, because the other horses are to be pulled +back, he thinks a job has been put up, and if he thinks he is on the +inside of the ring he will bet. He says it does not do any hurt to bet, +if you win, and he argues that a man who wins lots of money can do a +great deal of good with it. But he had to walk home from the Chicago +races all the same, and he has been steaming ever since. Pa can't stand +adversity. But I guess we have got him all right now. He is the scartest +man you ever saw,” and the boy took a can opener and began to cut the +zinc under the stove, just to see if it would work as well on zinc as on +tin. + +“What, you haven't been dissecting him again, have you?” said the +grocery man, as he pulled a stool up beside the boy to hear the news. +How did you bring him to his senses?” + +“Well, Ma tried having the minister talk to Pa, but Pa talked +Bible, about taking a little wine for the stomach's sake, and gave +illustrations about Noah getting full, so the minister couldn't brace +him up, and then Ma had some of the sisters come and talk to him, but +he broke them all up by talking about what an appetite they had for +champagne punch when they were out in camp last summer, and they +couldn't have any affect on him, and so Ma said she guessed I would have +to exercise my ingenuity on Pa again. Ma has an idea that I have got +some sense yet, so I told her that if she would do just as I said, me +and my chum would scare Pa so he would swear off. She said she would, +and we went to work. First I took Pa's spectacles down to an optician, +Saturday night, and had the glasses taken out and a pair put in their +place that would magnify, and I took them home and put them in Pa's +spectacle case. Then I got a suit of clothes from my chum's uncle's +trunk, about half the size of Pa's clothes. My chum's uncle is a very +small man, and Pa is corpulent. I got a plug hat three sizes smaller +than Pa's hat, and the name out of Pa's hat and put it in the small hat. +I got a shirt about half big enough for Pa, and put his initials on +the thing under the bosom, and got a number fourteen collar. Pa wears +seventeen. Pa had promised to brace up and go to church Sunday morning, +and Ma put these small clothes where Pa could put them on. I told Ma, +when Pa woke up, to tell him he looked awfully bloated, and excite his +curiosity, and then send for me.” + +“You didn't play such a trick as that on a poor old man, did you?” said +the grocery man, as a smile came over his face. + +“You bet. Desperate diseases require desperate remedies. Well, Ma told +Pa he looked awfully bloated, and that his dissipation was killing him, +as well as all the rest of the family. Pa said he guessed he wasn't +bloated very much, but he got up and put on his spectacles and looked at +himself in the glass. You'd a dide to see him look at himself. His face +looked as big as two faces, through the glass, and his nose was a sight. +Pa looked scared, and then he held up his hand and looked at that. His +hand looked like a ham. Just then I came in, and I turned pale, with +some chalk on my face, and I begun to cry, and I said, 'O, Pa, what ails +you? You are so swelled up I hardly knew you.' Pa looked sick to his +stomach, and then he tried to get on his pants. O, my, it was all I +could do to keep from laughing to see him pull them pants on. He could +just get his legs in, and when I got a shoe horn and gave it to him, he +was mad. He said it was a mean boy that would give his Pa a shoe horn +to put on his pants with. The pants wouldn't come around Pa into ten +inches, and Pa said he must have eat something that disagreed with him, +and he laid it to watermelon. Ma stuffed her handkerchief in her mouth +to keep from laffing, when she see Pa look at his-self. The legs of the +pants were so tight Pa could hardly breathe, and he turned pale, and +said, 'Hennery, your Pa is a mighty sick man,' and then Ma and me both +laughed, and he said we wanted him to die so we could spend his life +insurance in riotous living.” + +[Illustration: Hennery, your Pa is a mighty sick man 197] + +“But when Pa put on that condensed shirt, Ma she laid down on the lounge +and fairly yelled, and I laughed till my side ached. Pa got it over his +head, and got his hands in the sleeves, and couldn't get it either way, +and he couldn't see us laugh, but he could hear us, and he said, 'It's +darned funny, ain't it, to have a parent swelled up this way. If I bust +you will both be sorry.' Well, Ma took hold of one side of the shirt, +and I took hold of the other, and we pulled it on, and when Pa's head +came up through the collar, his face was blue. Ma told him she was +afraid he would have a stroke of apoplexy before he got his clothes on, +and I guess Pa thought so too. He tried to get the collar on, but it +wouldn't go half way around his neck, and he looked in the glass and +cried, he looked so. He sat down in a chair and panted, he was so out +of breath, and the shirt and pants ripped, and Pa said there was no use +living if he was going to be a rival to a fat woman in the side show. +Just then I put the plug hat on Pa's head, and it was so small it was +going to roll off, when Pa tried to fit it on his head, and then he took +it off and looked inside of it, to see if it was his hat, and when he +found his name in it, he said 'Take it away. My head is all wrong too.' +Then he told me to go for the doctor, mighty quick. I got the doctor and +told him what we were trying to do with Pa, and he said he would finish +the job. So the Doc. came in, and Pa was on the lounge, and when the +Doc. saw him, he said it was lucky he was called just as he was, or we +would have required an undertaker. He put some pounded ice on Pa's head +the first thing, ordered the shirt cut open, and we got the pants off. +Then he gave Pa an emetic, and had his feet soaked, and Pa said, 'Doc., +if you will bring me out of this I will never drink another drop.' +The Doc. told Pa that his life was not worth a button if he ever drank +again, and left about half a pint of sugar pills to be fired into Pa +every five minutes. Ma and me sat up with Pa all day Sunday, and Monday +morning I changed the spectacles, and took the clothes home, and along +about noon Pa said he felt as though he could get up. Well, you never +see a tickleder man than he was when he found the swelling had gone down +so he could get his pants and shirt on, and he says that doctor is +the best in this town. Ma says I am a smart boy, and Pa has taken the +pledge, and we are all right. Say, you don't think there is anything +wrong in a boy playing it on his Pa once in a while, do you?” + +“Not much, You have very likely saved your Pa's life. No, sir, joking is +all right when by so doing you can break a person of a bad habit,” and +the grocery man cut a chew of tobacco off a piece of plug that was on +the counter, which the boy had soaked in kerosene, and before he had +fairly got it rolled in his cheek he spit it out and began to gag, +and as the boy started leisurely out the door the grocery man said, +“Lookahere, condemn you, don't you ever tamper with my tobacco again, or +by thunder I'll maul you,” and he followed the boy to the door, +spitting cotton all the way; and, as the boy went around the corner, the +groceryman thought how different a joke seemed when it was on somebody +else. And then he turned to go in and rinse the kerosene out of his +mouth, and found a sign on a box of new, green apples, as follows:-- + + COLIC OR CHOLERA INFANTUM + + YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY + + AND TAKES YOUR CHOICE. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + GHOSTS DON'T STEAL WORMY FIGS--A GRAND REHERSAL--THE + MINISTER MURDERS HAMLET--THE WATER-MELON KNIFE--THE OLD MAN + WANTED TO REHERSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE--NO + HUGGING ALLOWED--HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS-“HOW WOULD + YOU LIKE TO BE AN IDIOT.” + +“I am thy father's ghost,” said a sheeted form in the doorway of the +grocery, one evening, and the grocery man got behind the cheese box, +while the ghost continued in a sepulchral voice, “doomed for a certain +time to walk the night,” and, waving a chair round, the ghost strode up +to the grocery man, and with the other ghostly hand reached into a box +of figs. + +“No you ain't no ghost,” said the grocery man, recognizing the bad boy. +“Ghosts do not go prowling around groceries stealing wormy figs. What +do you mean by this sinful masquerade business? My father never had no +ghost!” + +“O, we have struck it now,” said the bad boy as he pulled off his mask +and rolled up the sheet he had worn around him. “We are going to have +amateur theatricals, to raise money to have the church carpeted, and I +am going to boss the job.” + +“You don't say,” answered the grocery man, as he thought how much he +could sell to the church people for a strawberry and ice cream festival, +and how little he could sell for amateur theatricals. “Who is going into +it and what are you going to play?” + +“Pa and Ma, and me, and the minister, and three choir singers, and my +chum, and the minister's wife, and two deacons, and an old maid are +rehersing, but we have not decided what to play yet. They all want to +play a different play, and I am fixing it so they can all be satisfied. +The minister wants to play Hamlet, Pa wants to play Rip Van Winkle, +Ma wants to play Mary Anderson, the old maid wants to play a boarding +school play, and the choir singers want an opera, and the minister's +wife wants to play Lady Macbeth, and my chum and me want to play a +double song and dance, and I am going to give them all a show. We had a +rehersal last night, and I am the only one able to be around to-day. You +see they have all been studying different plays, and they all wanted to +talk at once. We let the minister sail in first. He had on a pair of his +wife's black stockings, and a mantle made of a linen buggy lap blanket +and he wore a mason's cheese knife such as these fellows with poke +bonnets and white feathers wear when they get an invitation to a funeral +or an excursion. Well, you never saw Hamlet murdered the way he did +it. His interpretation of the character was that Hamlet was a Dude that +talked through his nose, and while he was repeating Hamlet's soliloquy, +Pa, who had come in with an old hunting suit on, as Rip Van Winkle, +went to sleep, and he didn't wake up till Lady Macbeth came in, in the +sleep-walking scene. She couldn't find a knife, so I took a slice of +watermelon and sharpened it for her, and she made a mistake in the one +she was to stab, and she stabbed Hamlet in the neck with a slice of +watermelon, and the core of the melon fell on Pa's face, as he lay +asleep as Rip, and when Lady Macbeth said, 'Out damned spot,' Pa woke +up and felt the gob of watermelon on his face and he thought he had been +murdered, and Ma came in on a hop, skip and jump as 'Parthenia,' and +threw her arms around a deacon who was going to play the grave digger, +and began to call him pet names, and Pa was mad, and the choir singers +they began to sing, 'In the North Sea lived a whale,' and then they quit +acting. You'd a dide to see Hamlet. The piece of watermelon went down +his neck, and Lady Macbeth went off and left it in the wound under his +collar, and Ma had to pull it out, and Hamlet said the seeds and the +juice was running down inside his shirt, and he said he wouldn't play if +he was going to be stabbed with a slice of melon, so while his wife was +getting the melon seeds out of his neck, and drying the juice on his +shirt, I sharpened a cucumber for Lady Macbeth to use as a dagger, but +Hamlet kicked on cucumbers, too, and I had more trouble than any stage +manager ever had. Then Pa wanted to rehearse the drunken scene in Rip +Van Winkle, where he hugs Grechten and drinks out of a flask behind +her back, and he got one of the choir singers to act as Grechten, and I +guess he would have been hugging till this time, and have swallowed +the flask if Ma had not taken him by the ear, and said a little of that +would go a good ways in an entertainment for the church. Pa said he +didn't know as it was any worse than her prancing up to a grave digger +and hugging him till the filling came out of his teeth, and then the +minister decided that we wouldn't have any hugging at all in the play, +and the choir girls said they wouldn't play, and the old maids struck, +and the play come to a stand still.” + +“Well, that beats anything I ever heard tell of. It's a shame for +people outside the profession to do play acting, and I won't go to +the entertainment unless I get a pass,” said the grocery man. “Did you +rehearse any more?” + +“Yes, the minister wanted to try the ghost scene,” said the boy, “and +he wanted me to be the ghost. Well, they have two 'Markses' and two +'Topsies' in Uncle Tom's cabin, and I thought two ghosts in Hamlet would +about fill the bill for amateurs, so I got my chum to act as one ghost. +We broke them all up. I wanted to have something new in ghosts, so my +chum and me got two pair of Ma's long stockings, one pair red and one +pair blue, and I put on a red one and a blue one, and my chum did the +same. Then we got some ruffled clothes belonging to Ma, with flounces +and things on, and put them on so they came most down to our knees, +and we put sheets over us, clear to our feet, and when Hamlet got to +yearning for his father's ghost, I came in out of the bath room with the +sheet over me, and said I was the huckleberry he was looking for, and my +chum followed me out and said he was a twin ghost, also, and then Hamlet +got on his ear and said he wouldn't play with two ghosts, and he went +off pouting, and then my chum and me pulled off the sheets and danced a +clog dance. Well, when the rest of the troop saw our make up, it nearly +killed them. Most of them had seen ballet dancers, but they never saw +them with different colored socks. The minister said the benefit was +rapidly becoming a farce, and before we had danced half a minute Ma she +recognized her socks, and she came for me with a hot box, and made me +take them off, and Pa was mad and said the dancing was the only thing +that was worth the price of admission, and he scolded Ma, and the choir +girls sided with Pa, and just then my chum caught his toe in the carpet +and fell down, and that loosened the plaster overhead and about a +bushel fell on the crowd. Pa thought lightning had struck the house, the +minister thought it was a judgment on them all for play acting, and he +began to shed his Hamlet costume with one hand and pick the plaster +out of his hair with the other. The women screamed and tried to get +the plaster out of their necks, and while Pa was brushing off the choir +singers Ma said the rehearsal was adjourned, and they all went home, +but we are going to rehearse again on Friday night. The play cannot be +considered a success, but we will bring it out all right by the time the +entertainment is to come off.” + +“By gum,” said the grocery man, “I would like to have seen that minister +as Hamlet. Didn't he look funny?” + +“Funny! Well, I should remark. He seemed to predominate. That is, he +was too fresh, too numerous, as it were. But at the next rehearsal I am +going to work in an act from Richard the Third, and my chum is going +to play the Chinaman of the Danites, and I guess we will take the cake. +Say, I want to work in an idiot somewhere. How would you like to play +the idiot. You wouldn't have to rehearse or anything--” + +At this point the bad boy was seen to go out of the grocery store real +spry, followed by a box of wooden clothes-pins that the grocery man had +thrown after him. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG--THE BAD BOY WITH A DOG + AND A BLACK EYE-WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?--ANGELS DON'T BREAK + DOGS' LEGS--A WOMAN WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO SHOW WITH + ST. PETER--ANOTHER BURGLAR SCARE--THE GROCERY DELIVERY MAN + SCARED. + +“Hello!” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in with a black +eye, leading a hungry looking dog that was walking on three legs, and +had one leg tied up with a red silk handkerchief. “What is this--a part +of your amateur theater? Now you get out of here with that dog, mighty +quick. A boy that hurts dogs so they have to have their legs tied up, is +no friend of mine,” and the grocery man took up a broom to drive the dog +out doors. + +“There, you calm, yourself,” says the boy to the grocery man, as the dog +got behind the boy and looked up at the grocery man as though he was +not afraid as long as the bad boy was around. “Set up the crackers and +cheese, sausage, and pickles, and everything this dog wants to eat--he +is a friend of mine--that dog is my guest, and those are my splints on +his broken leg, and that is my handkerchief that my girl gave me, wound +around it, and you touch that dog except in the way of kindness, and +down comes your house.” And the boy doubled up his fists as though he +meant business. + +“Poor doggie,” said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of sausage +and offered it to the dog, which was declined with thanks, expressed by +the wagging tail. “Where did you steal him?” + +“I didn't steal him, and he is no cannibal. He won't eat your sausage!” + and the boy put up his elbow as though to ward off on imaginary blow. +“You see, this dog was following off a pet dog that belonged to a woman, +and she tried to shoo him away, but he wouldn't shoo. This dog did not +know that he was a low born, miserable dog, and had no right to move in +the society of an aristocratic pet dog, and he followed right along. He +thought this was a free country, and one dog was as good as another, and +he followed that woman and her pet dog right into her door yard. The pet +dog encouraged this dog, and he went in the yard, and when the woman got +up on the steps she threw a velocipede at this dog and broke his leg, +and then she took up her pet and went in the house so she wouldn't hear +this dog howl. She is a nice woman, and I see her go to meeting every +Sunday with a lot of morocco books in her hands, and once I pumped the +organ in the church where she goes, and she was so pious I thought she +was an angel--but angels don't break dogs' legs. I'll bet when she goes +up to the gate and sees St. Peter open the book and look for the charges +against her, she will tremble as though she had fits. And when St. Peter +runs his finger down the ledger, and stops at the dog column, and turns +and looks at her over his spectacles, and says, “Madam, how about your +stabbing a poor dog with a velocipede, and breaking its leg?” she +will claim it was an accident; but she can't fool Pete. He is on to +everybody's racket, and if they get in there, they have got to have a +clean record.” + +“Say, look-a-here,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the boy in +astonishment as he unwound the handkerchief to dress the dog's broken +leg, while the dog looked up in the boy's face with an expression of +thankfulness and confidence that he was an able practitioner in dog +bone-setting, “what kind of talk is that? You talk of heaven as though +its books were kept like the books of a grocery and you speak too +familiarly of St. Peter.” + +“Well, I didn't mean any disrespect,” said the boy, as he fixed the +splint on the dog's leg, and tied it with a string, while the dog licked +his hand, “but I learned in Sunday school that up there they watch even +the sparrow's fail, and they wouldn't be apt to get left on a dog bigger +than a whole flock of sparrows, 'specially when the dog's fall was +accompanied with such noise as a velocipede makes when it falls down +stairs. No sir, a woman who throws a velocipede at a poor, homeless dog, +and breaks its leg, may carry a car load of prayer books, and she may +attend to all the sociables, but according to what I have been told, if +she goes sailing up to the gate of New Jerusalem, as though she owned +the whole place, and expects to be ushered into a private box, she will +get left. The man in the box office will tell her she is not on the +list, and that there is a variety show below, where the devil is a star, +and fallen angels are dancing the cancan with sheet-iron tights, on +brimstone lakes, and she can probably crawl under the canvas, but +she can't get in among the angelic hosts until she can satisfactorily +explain that dog story that is told on her. Possibly I have got a raw +way of expressing myself, but I had rather take my chances, if I should +apply for admission up there, with this lame dog under my arm than to +take hers with a pug that hain't got any legs broke. A lame dog and a +clear conscience beats a pet dog, when your conscience feels nervous. +Now I am going to lay this dog in the barrel of dried apples, where your +cat sleeps, and give him a little rest, and I will give you four minutes +to tell me all you know, and you will have three minutes on your hands +with nothing to say. Unbutton your lip and give your teeth a vacation.” + +“Well, you _have_ got gall. However, I don't know but you are right that +woman that hurt the dog. Still, it may have been her way of petting a +strange dog. We should try to look upon the charitable side of peoples' +eccentricities. But say, I want to ask you if you have seen anything of +my man that delivers groceries. Saturday night I sent him over to your +house to deliver some things, about ten o'clock, and he has not showed +up since. What do you think has become of him?” + +“Well, by gum, that accounts for it. Saturday night, about ten o'clock +we heard somebody in the back yard, around the kitchen door, just as we +were going to bed, and Pa was afraid it was a burglar after the church +money he had collected last Sunday. He had got to turn it over the next +day, to pay the minister's expenses on his vacation, and it made him +nervous to have it around. I peeked out of the window and saw the man, +and I told Pa, and Pa got a revolver and began shooting through the +wire screen to the kitchen window, and I saw the man drop the basket and +begin to climb over the fence real sudden, and I went out and began to +groan, as though somebody was dying in the alley, and I brought in +the basket with the mackerel and green corn, and told Pa that from the +groaning out there I guess he had killed the grocery delivery man, and +I wanted Pa to go out and help me hunt for the body, but he said he was +going to take the midnight train to go out west on some business, and Pa +lit out. I guess your man was scared and went one way and Pa was scared +and went the other. Won't they be astonished when they meet each other +on the other side of the world? Pa will shoot him again when they meet, +if he gives Pa any sass. Pa says when he gets mad he had just as soon +eat as to kill a man.” + +“Well, I guess my man has gone off to a Sunday pic-nic or something, and +will come back when he gets sober, but how are your theatricals getting +along?” asked the grocery man. + +“O, that scheme is all busted,” said the boy. “At least until the +minister gets back from his vacation. The congregation has noticed a red +spot on his hand for some time, and the ladies said what he needed was +rest. They said if that spot was allowed to go on it might develope into +a pimple, and the minister might die of blood poison, superinduced by +overwork, and they took up a collection, and he has gone. The night they +bid him good bye, the spot on his hand was the subject of much comment. +The wimmen sighed, and said it was lucky they noticed the spot on his +hand before it had sapped his young life away. Pa said Job had more than +four hundred boils worse than that, and he never took a vacation, +and then Ma dried Pa up. She told Pa he had never suffered from blood +poison, and Pa said he could raise cat boils for the market, and never +squeal. Ma see the only way to shut Pa up was to let him go home with +the choir singer. So she bounced him off with her, and he didn't get +home till most 'leven o'clock, but Ma she set up for him. Maybe what she +said to Pa made him go west after peppering your burglar. Well, I must +go home now, 'cause I run the family, since Pa lit out. Say, send some +of your most expensive canned fruit and things over to the house. Darn +the expense.” And the bad boy took the lame dog under his arm and walked +out. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL--WHY IS LETTUCE LIKE A GIRL?-- + KING SOLOMON A FOOL--THINK OF ANY SANE MAN HAVING A THOUSAND + WIVES--HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TWO HOTELS DURING VACATION--300 + BLONDES--600 BRUNETTES, ETC--A THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE + CREAM--I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS THOUSAND. + +“What you sitting there like a bump on a log for?” asked the grocery man +of the bad boy, as the youth had sat on a box for half an hour, with +his hands in his pockets, looking at a hole in the floor, until his eyes +were set like a dying horse. “What you thinking of, anyway? It seems to +me boys set around and think more than they used to when I was a boy,” + and the groceryman brushed the wilted lettuce and shook it, and tried +to make it stand up stiff and crisp, before he put it out doors; but the +contrary lettuce which had been picked the day before, looked so tired +that the boy noticed it. + +“That lettuce reminds me of a girl. Yesterday I was in here when it was +new, like the girl going to the picnic, and it was as fresh and proud, +and starched up, and kitteny, and full of life, and as sassy as a girl +starting out for a picnic. To-day it has got back from the picnic, +and, like the girl, the starch is all taken out, and it is limber, and +languid, and tired, and can't stand up alone, and it looks as though it +wanted to be laid at rest beside the rotten apples in the alley, rather +than be set out in front of a store to be sold to honest people, and +give them the gangrene of the liver,” and the boy put on a health +commissioner air that frightened the grocery man, and he threw the +lettuce out the back door. + +“You never mind about my lettuce,” said the grocery man, “I can attend +to my affairs. But now tell me what you were thinking about here all the +morning?” + +“I was thinking what a fool King Solomon was,” said the boy, with the +air of one who has made a statement that has got to be argued pretty +strong to make it hold water. + +“Now, lookahere,” said the grocery man in anger, “I have stood it +to have you play tricks on me, and have listened to your condemned +foolishness without a murmur as long as you have confined yourself to +people now living, but when you attack Solomon--the wisest man, the +great king--and call him a fool, friendship ceases, and you must get +out of this store. Solomon in all his glory, is a friend of mine, and no +fool boy is going to abuse him in my presence. Now, you dry up!” + +“Sit down on the ice box,” said the boy to the grocery man, “what you +need is rest. You are overworked. Your alleged brain is equal to wilted +lettuce, and it can devise ways and means to hide rotten peaches under +good ones, so as to sell them to blind orphans; but when it comes to +grasping great questions, your small brain cannot comprehend them. Your +brain may go up sideways to a great question and rub against it, but it +cannot surround it, and grasp it. That's where you are deformed. Now, +it is different with me. I can raise brain to sell to you grocery men. +Listen. This Solomon is credited with being the wisest man, and yet +history says he had a thousand wives. Just think of it. You have got one +wife, and Pa has got one, and all the neighbors have one, if they have +had any kind of luck. Does not one wife make you pay attention? Wouldn't +two wives break you up? Wouldn't three cause you to see stars? How would +ten strike you? Why, man alive, you do not grasp the magnitude of the +statement that Solomon had a thousand wives. A thousand wives, standing +side by side, would reach about four blocks. Marching by fours it would +take them twenty minutes to pass a given point. The largest summer +resort hotel only holds about five hundred people, so Sol would have had +to hire two hotels if he took his wives out for a day in the country. If +you would stop and think once in a while you would know more.” + +The grocery man's eyes had begun to stick out as the bad boy continued, +as though the statistics had never been brought to his attention before, +but he was bound to stand by his old friend Solomon, and he said, “Well, +Solomon's wives must have been different from our wives of the present +day.” + +“Not much,” said the boy, as he see he was paralizing the grocery man. +“Women have been about the same ever since Eve. She got mashed on the +old original dude, and it stands to reason that Solomon's wives were no +better than the mother of the human race. Statistics show that one woman +out of every ten is red headed. That would give Solomon an even hundred +red headed wives. Just that hundred red headed wives would be enough +to make an ordinary man think that there was a land that is fairer than +this. Then there would be, out of the other nine hundred, about three +hundred blondes, and the other six hundred would be brunettes, and mabe +he had a few albinos, and bearded women, and fat women, and dwarfs. Now, +those thousand women had appetites, desires for dress and style, the +same as all women. Imagine Solomon saying to them. 'Girls, lets all go +down to the ice cream, saloon and have a dish of ice cream.' Can you, +with your brain muddled with codfish and new potatoes, realize the scene +that would follow? Suppose after Solomon's broom brigade bad got seated +in the ice creamery, one of the red headed wives should catch Solomon +winking at a strange girl at another table. You may think Solomon did +not know enough to wink, or that he was not that kind of a flirt, but he +_must_ have been or he could never had succeeded in marrying a thousand +wives, in a sparcely settled country. No, Sir, it looks to me as though +Solomon in all his glory, was an old masher, and from what I have seen +of men being bossed around with one wife, I don't envy Solomon his +thousand. Why, just imagine that gang of wives going and ordering fall +bonnets. Solomon would have to be a king, or a Vanderbilt to stand it. +Ma wears five dollar silk stockings, and Pa kicks awfully when the bill +comes in. Imagine Soloman putting up for a few thousand pair of silk +stockings. I am glad you will sit down and reason with me in a rational +way about some of these Bible stories that take my breath away. The +minister stands me off when I try to talk with him about such things, +and tells me to study the parable of the Prodigal Son, and the deacons +tell me to go and soak my head. There is darn little encouragement for a +boy to try and figure out things. How would you like to have a thousand +red headed wives come into the store this minute and tell you they +wanted you to send carriages around to the house at 3 o'clock so they +could go for a drive? Or how would you like to have a hired girl come +rushing in and tell you to send up six hundred doctors, because six +hundred of your wives had been taken with cholera morbus? Or--” + +“O, don't mention it,” said the grocery man, with a shudder. “I wouldn't +take Solomon's place, and be the natural protector of a thousand wives +if anybody would give me the earth. Think of getting up in a cold winter +morning and building a thousand fires. Think of two thousand pair of +hands in a fellow's hair! Boy, you have shown me that Solomon needed a +guardian over him. He didn't have sense.” + +“Yes,” says the boy, “and think of two thousand feet, each one as cold +as a brick of chocolate ice cream. A man would want a back as big as the +fence of a fair ground. But I don't want to harrow up your feelings. I +must go and put some arnica on Pa. He has got home, and says he has been +to a summer resort on a vacation, and he is all covered with blotches. +He says it is mosquito bites, but Ma thinks he has been shot full of +bird shot by some water melon farmer. Ma hasn't got any sympathy for Pa +because he didn't take her along, but if she had been there she would +have been filled with bird shot, too. But you musn't detain me. Between +Pa and the baby I have got all I can attend to. The baby is teething, +and Ma makes me put my fingers in the baby's mouth to help it cut teeth. +That is a humiliating position for a boy as big as I am. Say, how many +babies do you figure that Solomon had to buy rubber toothing rings for +in all his glory?” + +And the boy went out leaving the grocery man reflecting on what a family +Solomon must have had, and how he needed to be the wisest man to get +along without a circus afternoon and evening. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A DEACON-- + HE KNOWS WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH--HOW THE DEACON MADE HIM + FLAX AROUND--AND HOW HE MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON. + +“Want to buy any cabbages?” said the bad boy to the grocery man, as +he stopped at the door of the grocery, dressed in a blue wamus, his +breeches tucked in his boots, and an old hat on his head, with a hole +that let out his hair through the top. He had got out of a democrat +wagon, and was holding the lines hitched to a horse about forty years +old, that leaned against the hitching post to rest, “Only a shilling +apiece.” + +“O, go 'way,” said the grocery man. “I only pay three cents apiece.” And +then he looked at the boy and said “Hello, Hennery, is that you? I have +missed you all the week, and now you come on to me sudden, disguised as +a granger. What does this all mean?” + +“It means that I have been the victim of as vile a conspiracy as ever +was known since Cæesar was stabbed, and Marc Antony orated over his +prostrate corpse in the Roman forum, to an audience of supes and scene +shifters,” and the boy dropped the lines on the sidewalk, said, “whoa, +gol darn you,” to the horse that was asleep, wiped his boots on the +grass in front of the store and came in, and seated himself on the old +half bushel. “There, this seems like home again.” + +“What's the row?--who has been playing it on you?” And the grocery man +smelled a sharp trade in cabbages, as well as other smells peculiar to +the farm. + +“Well, I'll tell you. Lately our folks have been constantly talking of +the independent life of the farmer, and how easy it is, and how they +would like it if I would learn to be a farmer. They said there was +nothing like it, and several of the neighbors join'd in and said I had +the natural ability to be one of the most successful farmers in the +state. They all drew pictures of the fun it was to work on a farm where +you could get your work done and take your fish-pole and go off and +catch fish, or a gun, and go out and kill game, and how you could ride; +horses, and pitch hay, and smell the sweet perfume, and go to husking +bees, and dances, and everything, and they got me all worked up so I +wanted to go to work on a farm. Then an old deacon that belongs to our +church, who runs a farm about eight miles out of town, he came on the +scene, and said he wanted a boy, and if I would go out and work for him +he would be easy on me because he knew my folks, and we belonged to the +same church. I can see it now. It was all a put up job on me, just like +they play three card monte on a fresh stranger. I was took in. By gosh, +I have been out there a week, and here's what there is left of me. The +only way I got a chance to come to town was to tell the farmer I could +sell cabbages to you for a shilling a piece. I knew you sold them for +fifteen cents and I thought that you would give a shilling. So the +farmer said he would pay me my wages in cabbages at a shilling apiece +and only charge me a dollar for the horse and wagon to bring them in. So +you only pay three cents. Here are thirty cabbages, which will come to +ninety cents. I pay a dollar for the horse, and when I get back to the +farm I owe the farmer ten cents, besides working a week for nothing. O, +it is all right. I don't kick, but this ends farming for Hennery. I know +when I have got enough of an easy life on a farm. I prefer a hard life, +breaking stones on the streets, to an easy, dreamy life on a farm.” + +“They _did_ play it on you, didn't they,” said the grocery man. “But +wasn't the old deacon a good man to work for?” + +“Good man nothing',” said the boy, as he took up a piece of horse radish +and began to grate it on the inside of his rough hand. “I tell you +there's a heap of difference in a deacon in Sunday school, telling about +sowing wheat and tares, and a deacon out on a farm in a hurry season, +when there is hay to get in and wheat to harvest all at the same time. +I went out to the farm Sunday evening with the deacon and his wife, and +they couldn't talk too much about the nice time we would have, and the +fun; but the deacon changed more than forty degrees in five minutes +after we got to the farm. He jump'd out of the wagon and pulled off his +coat, and let his wife climb out over the wheel, and yelled to the hired +girl to bring out the milk pail, and told me to fly around and unharness +the horse, and throw down a lot of hay for the work animals, and then +told me to run down to the pasture and drive up a lot of cows. The +pasture was half a mile away, and the cows were scattered around in the +woods, and the mosquitos were thick, and I got all covered with mud and +burrs, and stung with thistles, and when I got the cattle near to the +house, the old deacon yelled to me that I was slower than molasses in +the winter, and then I took a club and tried to hurry the cows, and he +yelled at me to stop hurrying, 'cause I would retard the flow of milk. +By gosh I _was_ mad. I asked for a mosquito bar to put over me next time +I went after the cows, and the people all laughed at me, and when I +sat down on the fence to scrape the mud off my Sunday pants, the +deacon yelled like he does in the revival, only he said, 'come, come, +procrastination is the thief of time. You get up and hump yourself +and go and feed the pigs.' He was so darn mean that I could not help +throwing a burdock burr against the side of the cow he was milking, and +it struck her right in the flank on the other side from where the deacon +was. Well, you'd a dide to see the cow jump up and blat. All four of +her feet were off the ground at a time, and I guess most of them hit the +deacon on his Sunday vest, and the rest hit the milk pail, and the cow +backed against the fence and bellered, and the deacon was all covered +with milk and cow hair, and he got up and throwed the three-legged stool +at the cow and hit her on the horn and it glanced off and hit me on the +pants just as I went over the fence to feed the pigs. I didn't know a +deacon could talk so sassy at a cow, and come so near swearing without +actually saying cuss words. Well, I lugged swill until I was homesick to +my stomach, and then I had to clean off horses, and go to the neighbors +about a mile away to borrow a lot of rakes to use the next day. I was so +tired I almost cried, and then I had to draw two barrels of water with +a well bucket, to cleanse for washing the next day, and by that time +I wanted to die. It was most nine o'clock, and I began to think about +supper, when the deacon said all they had was bread and milk for supper +Sunday night, and I rasseled with a tin basin of skim milk, and some +old back number bread, and wanted to go to bed, but the deacon wanted +to know if I was heathen enough to want to go to bed without evening +prayers. There was no one thing I was less mashed on than evening +prayers about that minute, but I had to take a prayer half an hour long +on the top of that skim milk, and I guess it curdled the milk, for I +hadn't been in bed more than half an hour before I had the worst colic a +boy ever had, and I thought I should die all alone up in that garret, +on the floor, with nothing to make my last hours pleasant but some rats +playing with ears of seed corn on the floor, and mice running through +some dry pea pods. But how different the deacon talked in the evening +devotions from what he did when the cow was galloping on him in the +barnyard. Well, I got through the colic and was just getting to sleep +when the deacon yelled for me to get up and hustle down stairs. I +thought may be the house was on fire, 'cause I smelled smoke, and I got +into my trousers and came down stairs on a jump yelling 'fire,' when the +deacon grabbed me and told me to get down on my knees, and before I knew +it he was into the morning devotions, and when he said 'amen' and jumped +and said for us to fire breakfast into us quick and get to work doing +chores. I looked at the clock and it was just three o'clock in the +morning, just the time Pa comes home and goes to bed in town, when he is +running a political campaign. Well, sir, I had to jump from one thing to +another from three o'clock in the morning till nine at night, pitching +hay, driving reaper, raking and binding, shocking wheat, hoeing corn, +and everything, and I never got a kind word. I spoiled my clothes, and +I think another week would make a pirate of me. But during it all I had +the advantage of a pious example. I tell you, you think more of such a +man as the deacon if you don't work for him, but only see him when he +comes to town, and you hear him sing 'Heaven is my Home,' through his +nose. He even is farther from home than any place I ever heard of. He +would be a good mate on a Mississippi river steamboat if he could swear, +and I guess he could soon learn. Now you take these cabbages and give +me ninety cents, and I will go home and borrow ten cents to make up +the dollar, and send my chum back with the horse and wagon and my +resignation. I was not cut out for a farmer. Talk about fishing, the +only fish I saw was a salt white fish we had for breakfast one morning, +which was salted by Noah, in the ark,” and while the grocery man was +unloading the cabbages the boy went off to look for his chum, and later +the two boys were seen driving off to the farm with two fishing poles +sticking out of the hind end of the wagon. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR--THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT + HENNERY'S RESIGNATION--HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES--HIS + CHUM JOINS HIM--THE SKUNK IN THE CELLAR--THE POOR BOY GETS + THE “AGER.” + +“Well, I swow, here comes a walking hospital,” said the grocery man as +the bad boy's shadow came in the store, followed by the boy, who looked +sick and yellow, and tired, and he had lost half his flesh. “What's +the matter with you? Haven't got the yellow fever, have you?” and the +grocery man placed a chair where the invalid could fall into it. + +“No, got the ager,” said the boy as he wiped the perspiration off his +upper lip, and looked around the store to see if there was anything in +sight that would take the taste of quinine out of his mouth. “Had too +much dreamy life of ease on the farm, and been shaking ever since. Darn +a farm anyway.” + +“What, you haven't been to work for the deacon any more, have you? I +thought you sent in your resignation;” and the grocery man offered the +boy some limberger cheese to strengthen him. + +“O, take that cheese away,” said the boy, as he turned pale and gagged. +“You don't know what a sick person needs any more than a professional +nurse. What I want is to be petted. You see I went out to the farm with +my chum, and I took the fish-poles and remained in the woods while he +drove the horse to the deacon's; and he gave the deacon my resignation, +and the deacon wouldn't accept it. He said he would hold my resignation +until after harvest, and then act on it. He said he could put me in jail +for breach of promise, if I quit work and left him without giving proper +notice; and my chum came and told me, and so I concluded to go to work +rather than have any trouble, and the deacon said my chum could work a +few days for his board if he wanted to. It was pretty darn poor board +for a boy to work for, but my chum wanted to be with me, so he stayed. +Pa and Ma came out to the farm to stay a day or two to help. Pa was +going to help harvest, and Ma was going to help the deacon's wife, but +Pa wanted to carry the jug to the field, and lay under a tree while the +rest of us worked, and Ma just talked the arm off the deacon's wife. The +deacon and Pa laid in the shade and see my chum and me work, and Ma and +the deacon's wife gossipped so they forgot to get dinner, and my chum +and me organized a strike, but we were beaten by monopoly. Pa took me by +the neck and thrashed out a shock of wheat with my heels, and the deacon +took my chum and sat down on him, and we begged and they gave us our old +situations back. But we got even with them that night. I tell you, when +a boy tries to be good, and quit playing jokes on people, and then has +everybody down on him, and has his Pa hire him out on a farm to work for +a deacon that hasn't got any soul except when he is in church, and a boy +has to get up in the night to get breakfast and go to work, and has to +work until late at night, and they kick because he wants to put butter +on his pancakes, and feed him skim milk and rusty fat pork, it makes him +tough, and he would play a joke on his aged grandmother. After my chum +and me had got all the chores done that night, we sat out on a fence +back of the house in the orchard, eating green apples in the moonlight, +and trying to think of a plan of revenge. Just then I saw a skunk back +of the house, right by the outside cellar door, and I told my chum that +it would serve them right to drive the skunk down cellar and shut the +door, but my chum said that would be too mean. I asked him if it would +be any meaner than for the deacon to snatch us baldheaded because we +couldn't mow hay away fast enough for two men to pitch it, and he said +it wouldn't, and so we got on each side of the skunk and sort of scared +it down cellar, and then we crept up softly and closed the cellar doors. +Then we went in the house and I whispered to Ma and asked her if she +didn't think the deacon had some cider, and Ma she began to hint that +she hadn't had a good drink of cider since last winter, and the deacon's +wife said us boys could take a pitcher and go down cellar and draw some. +That was too much. I didn't want any cider, anyway, so I told them that +I belonged to a temperance society, and I should break my pledge if I +drawed cider, and she said I was a good boy, for me never to touch a drop +of cider. Then she told my chum where the cider barrel was, down cellar; +but he ain't no slouch. He said he was afraid to go down cellar in the +dark, and so Pa said he and the deacon would go down and draw the cider, +and the deacon's wife asked Ma to go down too, and look at the fruit +and berries she had canned for winter, and they all went down cellar. Pa +carried an old tin lantern with holes in it, to light the deacon to the +cider barrel; and the deacon's wife had a taller candle to show Ma the +canned fruit. I tried to get Ma not to go, cause Ma is a friend of mine, +and I didn't want her to have anything to do with the circus; but she +said she guessed she knew her business. When anybody says they guess +they know their own business, that settles it with me, and I don't try +to argue with them. Well, my chum and me sat there in the kitchen, and +I stuffed a piece of red table cloth in my mouth to keep from laughing, +and my chum held his nose with his finger and thumb, so he wouldn't +snort right out. We could hear the cider run in the pitcher, and then it +stopped, and the deacon drank out of the pitcher, and then Pa did, and +then they drawed some more cider, and Ma and the deacon's wife were +talking about how much sugar it took to can fruit, and the deacon told +Pa to help himself out of a crock of fried cakes, and I heard the cover +on the crock rattle, and just then I heard the old tin lantern rattle on +the brick floor of the cellar, the deacon said 'Merciful goodness;' +Pa said 'Helen damnation, I am stabbed;' and Ma yelled 'goodness sakes +alive;' and then there was a lot of dishpans on the stairs begun to +fall, and they all tried to get up cellar at once, and they fell over +each other; and O, my, what a frowy smell came up to the kitchen from +the cellar. It was enough to kill anybody. Pa was the first to get to +the head of the stairs, and he stuck his head in the kitchen, and drew a +long breath, and said '_whoosh!_ Hennery, your Pa is a mighty sick man.' +The deacon came up next, and he had run his head into a hanging shelf +and broken a glass jar of huckleberries, and they were all over him, +and he said 'give me air. Earth's but a desert drear.' Then Ma and the +deacon's wife came up on a gallop, and they looked tired. Pa began to +peel off his coat and vest and said he was going out to bury them, and +Ma said he could bury her, too, and I asked the deacon if he didn't +notice a faint odor of sewer gas coming from the cellar, and my chum +said it smelled more to him as though something had crawled in the +cellar and died. Well, you never saw a sicker crowd, and I felt sorry +for Ma and the deacon, 'cause their false teeth fell out, and I knew Ma +couldn't gossip and the deacon couldn't talk sassy without teeth. But +you'd a dide to see Pa. He was mad, and thought the deacon had put up +the job on him, and he was going to knock the deacon out in two rounds, +when Ma said there was no use of getting mad about a dispensation of +providence, and Pa said one more such dispensation of providence would +just kill him on the spot. They finally got the house aired, and my chum +and me slept on the hay in the barn, after we had opened the outside +cellar door so the animal could get out, and the next morning I had the +fever and ague, and Pa and Ma brought me home, and I have been firing +quinine down my neck ever since. Pa says it is malaria, but it is +getting up before daylight in the morning and prowling around a farm +doing chores before it is time to do chores, and I don't want any more +farm. I thought at Sunday school last Sunday, when the superintendent +talked about the odor of sanctity that pervaded the house on that +beautiful morning, and looked at the deacon, that the deacon thought +the superintendent was referring to him and Pa, but may be it was an +accident. Well, I must go home and shoot another charge of quinine into +me,” and the boy went out as if he was on his last legs, though he acted +as if he was going to have a little fun while he did last. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Grocery Man And Peck's Bad Boy, by +George W. 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