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diff --git a/old/25488-h.htm.2021-01-25 b/old/25488-h.htm.2021-01-25 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f99728f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/25488-h.htm.2021-01-25 @@ -0,0 +1,5215 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Grocery Man and Peck's Bad Boy., Pecks Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2 by + George W. Peck + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's The Grocery Man And Peck's Bad Boy, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Grocery Man And Peck's Bad Boy + Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2 - 1883 + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: May 16, 2008 [EBook #25488] +Last Updated: October 5, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GROCERY MAN AND PECK'S BAD BOY *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="Cover " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" alt="Frontispiece " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="Titlepage " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE GROCERY MAN AND PECK'S BAD BOY. + </h1> + <h2> + Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2 + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By George W. Peck + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h4> + 1883 + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_TOC"> DETAILED CONTENTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + </td> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + List of Illustrations + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0001"> Cover </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0002"> Frontispiece </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0003"> Titlepage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0004"> Well I'm Dem'd </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0005"> One for the Old Maid </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0006"> The Old Man Stabbed </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0007"> Maple Syrup for One </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0008"> Great God, Hanner, We Are Blowed Up </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0009"> By Low Baby </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0010"> The Old Man, the Hired Girl and The Goat + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0011"> After the Earthquake Was Over </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0012"> Uncle Tom and Topsy </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0013"> The Minister and Deacons Salted </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0014"> The Sunday School Teachers First + Appearance on Stage </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0015"> Pa Was All Tied up </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0016"> Fourth of July Misadventures </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#linkimage-0017"> Hennery, Your Pa is a Mighty Sick Man + </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DETAILED CONTENTS. + </h2> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER I. <br /> VARIEGATED DOGS—THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE ROOF—A + MAN DOESN'T <br /> KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT—THE OLD MAN WANTS + SOME POLLYNURIOUS <br /> WATER—THE DYER'S DOGS—PROCESSION OF + THE DOGS—PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND <br /> WHITE—“WELL, I'M DEM'd”—HIS + PA DON'T APPRECIATE. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER II. <br /> HIS PA PLAYS JOKES—A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A + JOKE—THE MAGIC <br /> BOUQUET—THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN—HIS + PA TRIES THE BOUQUET AT <br /> CHURCH—ONE FOR THE OLD MAID—A + FIGHT ENSUES—THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE <br /> GROCERY man—A + COMPROMISE. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER III. <br /> HIS PA STABBED—THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN + VAIN—A BOOM IN <br /> LINIMENT—HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY + SHOW—THE BAD BOY TURNS <br /> BURGLAR—THE OLD MAN STABBED—HIS + ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY—A GOOD SINGLE <br /> HANDED LIAR. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IV. <br /> HIS PA BUSTED—THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK—WHAT'S + A BILK?—THE PIOUS <br /> BILK—THE OLD MAN INVESTS—THE + DEACONS AND EVEN THE HIRED GIRLS <br /> INVEST—HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR + ONE—GETTING A MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES. <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER V. <br /> HIS PA AND DYNAMITE—THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER + STOCK—FENIAN <br /> SCARE—“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE—THE + FENIAN BOOM—“GREAT GOD, MANNER! <br /> WE ARE BLOWED UP!”—HIS + MA HAS LOTS OF SAND—THE OLD MAN USELESS IN <br /> TROUBLE—THE + DOG AND THE FALSE TEETH <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VI. <br /> HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN—THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY + ABUSED—HE GETS <br /> HOT—BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE + GREASE—THE OLD MAN WEARS ORANGE <br /> ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY—HE + HAS TO RUN FOR HIS LIFE—THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY <br /> SCHOOL—INGERSOLL + AND BEECHER VOTED OUT—MARY HAD A LAMB <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VII. <br /> HIS MA DECEIVES HIM—THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF + SAFFRON—“WELL, IT'S A <br /> GIRL, IF YOU MUST KNOW”—THE BAD + BOY IS GRIEVED AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION— <br /> “SH-H-H TOOTSY GO TO + SLEEP”—“BY LOW, BABY”—THAT SETTLED IT WITH <br /> THE CAT—A + BABY! BAH! IT MAKES ME TIRED <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER VIII. <br /> THE BABY AND THE GOAT. THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER + WILL BE A FIRE <br /> ENGINE—“OLD NUMBER TWO”—BABY REQUIRES + GOAT MILK—? THE GOAT IS <br /> FRISKY—TAKES TO EATING ROMAN + CANDLES—THE OLD MAN, THE HIRED GIRL, AND <br /> THE GOAT—THE + BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER IN A LIVERY STABLE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER IX. <br /> A FUNERAL PROCESSION—THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES—“YOU + OUGHT TO SEE THE <br /> MINISTER”—AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL—THE + MINISTER TAKES THE LINES—AN <br /> EARTHQUAKE—AFTER THE + EARTHQUAKE WAS OVER—THE POLICEMAN FANS THE <br /> MINISTER—A + MINISTER SHOULD HAVE SENSE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER X. <br /> THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH. THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BAD + BOY HAVE <br /> A FUSS—THE BOHEMIAN BAND—THE BAD BOY + ORGANIZES A SERENADE—“BABY <br /> MINE”—THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT—THE + BOHEMIANS CREATE A FAMINE—THE Y. M. C. <br /> A. ANNOUNCEMENT <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XI. <br /> GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES—THE GROCERY MAN IS + DECEIVED—THE BAD <br /> BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING—GOES INTO THE + COLORING BUSINESS—THE OLD MAN <br /> THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED—UNCLE + TOM AND TOPSY—THE OLD MAN ARRESTED—WHAT <br /> THE GROCERY + MAN THINKS—THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE—RESOLVES TO + <br /> BE GOOD <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XII. <br /> THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER—THE BAD BOY + TRIES TO LEAD A DIFFERENT <br /> LIFE—MURDER IN THE AIR—THE + OLD MAN AND HIS FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES <br /> AWAY—DREADFUL + STORIES OF THEIR WICKED YOUTH—THE CHICKEN COOP <br /> INVADED—THE + OLD MAN TO THE RESCUE—THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIII. <br /> THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED. THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK + EYE—A POOR <br /> FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY—PROVES + HIMSELF A GALLANT <br /> KNIGHT—THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S + COURAGE—THE GROCERY MAN <br /> MORALIZES—FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN + MILWAUKEE—THE TABLES TURNED—THE OLD MAN <br /> WEARS THE + BOY'S OLD CLOTHES <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIV. <br /> ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES—THE BAD BOY + MINISTERS AT THE Y. <br /> M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN—THE DELEGATES + FLOOD THEMSELVES WITH SODA <br /> WATER—TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS + MA—THE NIGHT KEY—THE FALL OF THE <br /> FLOWER STAND—DELEGATES + IN THE CELLAR ALL NIGHT—THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS <br /> WORKING HIS + REFORMATION <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XV. <br /> HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA—ENTERS + THE DRAMATIC <br /> PROFESSION—“WHAT'S A SUPER”—THE + PRIVILEGES OF A SUPE'S FATHER—BEHIND <br /> THE SCENES—THE + BAD BOY HAS PLAYED WITH MC'CULLOUGH—“IWAS THE <br /> POPULACE.”—PLAYS + IT ON HIS SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—“I PRITHEE, AU <br /> RESERVOIR, I + GO HENS!” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVI. <br /> UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT. UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD + BOY TO <br /> BACKSLIDE—UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS—THEIR + RECORD IS <br /> AWFUL—KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE—THE + BED SLATS FIXED—THE <br /> OLD MAN TANGLED UP—THIS WORLD IS + NOT RUN RIGHT—UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM <br /> TIRED <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVII. <br /> HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK—THE + GARDEN OF <br /> EDEN—THE ANCIENT DUDE—ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT + ON—“I'M A THINKER FROM <br /> THINKERSVILLE”—THE APOSTLES IN + A PATROL WAGON—ELIJAH AND ELISHA—THE <br /> PRODIGAL SON—A + VEAL POT PIE FOR DINNER <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XVIII. <br /> THE DEPARTED ROOSTER. THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON + DEATH—THE DEAD <br /> ROOSTER—A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH—THE + TENDERNESS BETWEEN THE ROOSTER <br /> AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN—THE HEN + RETIRES TO SET—THE CHICKENS—THE PROUD <br /> ROOSTER DIES—THE + FICKLE HEN FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XIX. <br /> ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN—UNCLE EZRA RETURNS—THE + BASKET ON THE <br /> STEPS—THE ANONYMOUS LETTER—“O, BROTHER + THAT I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS <br /> DAY!”—AN UGLY DUTCH BABY—THE + OLD MAN WHEELS THE BABY NOW—A FROG IN <br /> THE OLD MAN'S BED + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XX. <br /> FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES. TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL + POCKET—THE GROCERY <br /> MAN'S CAT THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL—ASLEEP + ON THE FOURTH OF <br /> JULY—GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE SOLDIER'S + HOME—TERRIBLE. FOURTH OF JULY <br /> MISADVENTURES—THE GIRL + WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXI. <br /> WORKING ON SUNDAY. TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY—“NOT + ANY GRINDSTONE <br /> FOR HENNERY!”—THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT—ANOTHER + JOB ON THE OLD <br /> MAN—HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT MIXED—THE + NUMEROUS FUNERALS—THE <br /> MINISTER APPEARS—THE BAD BOY + GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXII. <br /> THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED. THE OLD MAN BEGINS + DRINKING AGAIN—THINKS <br /> BETTING IS HARMLESS—HAD TO WALK + HOME FROM CHICAGO—THE SPECTACLES <br /> CHANGED—A SMALL SUIT + OF CLOTHES—THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED—“HENNERY, <br /> YOUR + PA IS A MIGHTY SICK MAN”—THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIII. <br /> THE GROCERY MAN AND THE GHOST. GHOSTS DON'T STEAL + WORMY FIGS—A GRAND <br /> REHEARSAL—THE MINISTER MURDERS + HAMLET—THE WATER MELON KNIFE—THE OLD <br /> MAN WANTED TO + REHEARSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE—NO HUGGING <br /> + ALLOWED—HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS—“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE + TO BE AN <br /> IDIOT?” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXIV. <br /> THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG—THE BAD + BOY WITH A DOG AND A BLACK <br /> EYE—WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?—ANGELS + DON'T BREAK DOGS' LEGS—A WOMAN <br /> WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO + SHOW WITH ST. PETER—ANOTHER BURGLAR <br /> SCARE—THE GROCERY + DELIVERY MAN SCARED <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXV. <br /> THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL—WHY IS LETTUCE + LIKE A GIRL?—KING SOLOMON <br /> A FOOL—THINK OF ANY SANE MAN + HAVING A THOUSAND WIVES—HE WOULD HAVE <br /> TO HAVE TWO HOTELS + DURING VACATION—300 BLONDES—600 BRUNETTES, ETC.—A + <br /> THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE CREAM—“I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS + THOUSAND” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXVI. </a> + </p> + <p> + CHAPTER XXVI. <br /> FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A + DEACON—HE KNOWS <br /> WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH—HOW THE DEACON + MADE HIM FLAX AROUND—AND HOW HE <br /> MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. </a> + </p> + <p> + DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR—THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT HENNERY'S + <br /> RESIGNATION—HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES—HIS CHUM + JOINS HIM—THE <br /> SKUNK IN THE CELLAR—THE POOR BOY GETS + THE “AGER.” <br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + VARIEGATED DOGS—THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE KOOP—A MAN + DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT—THE OLD MAN WANTS + SOME POLLYNURIOUS WATER—THE DYER'S DOGS—PROCESSION OP THE + DOGS—PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND WHITE—“WELL I'M DEM'D—HIS PA + DON'T APPRECIATE. +</pre> + <p> + “How do you and your Pa get along now,” asked the grocery-man of the bad + boy, as he leaned against the counter instead of sitting down on a stool + while he bought a bottle of liniment. + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't know. He don't seem to appreciate me. What he ought to have is + a deaf and dumb boy, with only one leg, and both arms broke—then he + could enjoy a quiet life. But I am too gay for Pa, and you needn't be + surprised if you never see me again. I talk of going off with a circus. + Since I played the variegated dogs on Pa, there seems to have been a + coldness in the family, and I sleep on the roof. + </p> + <p> + “Variegated dogs,” said the store keeper, “what kind of a game is that? + You have not played another Daisy trick on your Pa, have you?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no, it was nothing of that kind. You know Pa thinks he is smart. He + thinks because he is forty-eight years old he knows it all; but it don't + seem to me as though a man of his age, that had sense, would let a tailor + palm off on him a pair of pants so tight that he would have to use a + button-hook to button them; but they can catch him on everything, just as + though he was a kid smoking cigarettes. Well, you know Pa drinks some. + That night the new club opened he came home pretty fruitful, and next + morning his head ached so he said he would buy me a dog if I would go down + town and get a bottle of pollynurious water for him. You know that dye + house on Grand avenue, where they have got the four white spitz dogs. When + I went after the penurious water, I noticed they had been coloring their + dogs with the dye stuff, and I put up a job with the dye man's little boy + to help me play it on Pa. They had one dog dyed pink, another blue, + another red, and another green, and I told the boy I would treat him to + ice cream if he would let one out at a time, when I came down with Pa, and + call him in and let another out, and when we started to go away, to let + them all out. What I wanted to do was to paralyze Pa, and make him think + he had got 'em, got dogs the worst way. So, about ten o'clock when his + head got cleared off, and his stomach got settled, he changed ends with + his cuffs, and we came down town, and I told him I knew where he could get + a splendid white spitz dog for me, for five dollars; and if he would get + it, I would never do anything disrespectful again, and would just sit up + nights to please him, and help him up stairs and get seltzer for him. So + we went by the dye house, and just as I told him I didn't want anything + but a white dog, the door opened, and the pink dog came out and barked at + us, and I said 'that's him' and the boy called him back. Pa looked as + though he had the colic, and his eyes stuck out, and he said 'Hennery, + that is a pink dog?' and I said 'no, it is a white dog, Pa,' and just then + the green dog came out, and I asked Pa if it wasn't a pretty white dog, + and and he turned pale and said 'hell, boy, that is a green dog—what's + got into the dogs?' I told him he must be color blind, and was feeling in + my pocket for a strap to tie the dog, and telling him he must be careful + of his health or he would see something worse than green dogs, when the + green dog went in, and the blue dog came rushing out and barked at Pa. + Well, Pa leaned against a tree box, and his eyes stuck out like stops on + an organ, and the sweat was all over his face in drops as big as kernels + of hominy. + </p> + <p> + “I think a boy ought to do everything he can to make it pleasant for his + Pa, don't <i>you</i>. And yet some parents don't realize what a comfort a + boy is. The blue dog was called in, and just as Pa wiped the perspiration + off his forehead, and rubbed his eyes and put on his specks, the red + maroon dog came out. Pa acted as if he was tired, and sat down on a horse + block. Dogs <i>do</i> make some people tired, don't they? He took hold of + my hand, and his hand trembled just as though he was putting a gun wad in + the collection plate at church, and he said, 'My son, tell me truly, is + that a red dog?'” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/014.jpg" alt="Well I'm Dem'd 014 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “A fellow has got to lie a little if he is going to have any fun with his + Pa, and I told him it was a white dog, and I could get it for five + dol-dars. He straightened up just as the dog went into the house, and said + 'Well, I'm dem'd;' and just then the boy let all the dogs out and sicked + them on a cat, which ran up a shade tree right near Pa, and they rushed + all around us—the blue dog going between his legs, and the green dog + trying to climb the tree, and the pink dog barking, and the red dog + standing on his hind feet. + </p> + <p> + “Pa was weak as a cat, and told me to go right home with him, and he would + buy me a bicycle. He asked me how many dogs there were, and what was the + color of them. I s'pose I did awful wrong, but I told him there was only + one dog, and a cat, and the dog was white. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, Pa acted just as he did the night Hancock was beat, and he had + to have the doctor to give him something to quiet him (the time he wanted + me to go right down town and buy a hundred rat traps, but the doctor said + never mind, I needn't go). I took him home and Ma soaked his feet, and + give him some ginger tea, and while I was gone after the doctor he asked + Ma if she ever saw a green dog. + </p> + <p> + “That was what made all the trouble. If Ma had kept her mouth shut I would + have been all right, but she up and told him that they had a green dog, + and a blue dog, and all colors of spitz dogs down at the dyers. They dyed + them just for an advertisement, and for him to be quiet and he would feel + better when he got over it. Pa was all right when I got back and told him + the doctor had gone to Wauwatosa, and I had left an order on his slate. Pa + said he would leave an order on my slate. He took a harness tug and used + it for breeching on me. I don't think a boy's Pa ought to wear a harness + on his son, do you? He said he would learn me to play rainbow dogs on him. + He said I was a liar, and he expected to see me wind up in Congress. Say, + is Congress anything like Waupun or Sing Sing? No, I can't stay, thank + you, I must go down to the office and tell Pa I have reformed, and freeze + him out of a circus ticket. He is a a good enough man, only he don't + appreciate a a boy that has got all the modern improvements. Pa and Ma are + going to enter me in the Sunday school. I guess I'll take first money, + don't you?” + </p> + <p> + And the bad boy went out with a visible limp, and a look of genius cramped + for want of opportunity. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA PLAYS JOKES—A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE—THE + MAGIC BOUQUET—THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN—HIS PA TRIES + THE BOUQUET AT CHURCH—ONE FOR THE OLD MAID—A FIGHT ENSUES— + THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE GROCERY MAN—A COMPROMISE. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, do you think a little practical joke does any hurt,” asked the bad + boy of the grocery man, as he came in with his Sunday suit on, and a + bouquet in his button-hole, and pried off a couple of figs from a new box + that had been just opened. + </p> + <p> + “No sir,” said the groceryman, as he licked off the syrup that dripped + from a quart measure, from which he had been filling a jug. “I hold that a + man who gets mad at a practical joke, that is, one that does not injure + him, is a fool, and he ought to be shunned by all decent people. That's a + nice bouquet you have in your coat. What is it, pansies? Let me smell of + it,” and the grocery man bent over in front of the boy to take a whiff at + the bouquet. As he did so a stream of water shot out of the innocent + looking bouquet and struck him full in the face, and run down over his + shirt, and the grocery man yelled murder, and fell over a barrel of axe + helves and scythe snaths, and then groped around for a towel to wipe his + face. + </p> + <p> + “You condemn skunk,” said the grocery man to the boy, as he took up an + axe-helve and started for him, “what kind of a golblasted squirt gun have + you got there. I will maul you, by thunder,” and he rolled up his shirt + sleeves. + </p> + <p> + “There, keep your temper. I took a test vote of you on the subject of + practical jokes, before the machine began to play upon the conflagration + that was raging on your whiskey nose, and you said a man that would get + mad at a joke was a fool, and now I know it. Here, let me show it to you. + There is a rubber hose runs from the bouquet, inside my coat to my pants + pocket, and there is a bulb of rubber, that holds about half a pint, and + when a feller smells of the posey, I squeeze the bulb, and you see the + result. It's fun, where you don't squirt it on a person that gets mad.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man said he would give the boy half a pound of figs if he + would lend the bouquet to him for half an hour, to play it on a customer, + and the boy fixed it on the grocery man, and turned the nozzle so it would + squirt right back into the grocery man's face. He tried it on the first + customer that come in, and got it right in his own face, and then the bulb + in his pants pocket got to leaking, and the rest of the water ran down the + grocery man's trouser's leg, and he gave it up in disgust, and handed it + back to the boy. + </p> + <p> + “How was it your Pa had to be carried home from the sociable in a hack the + other night?” asked the grocery man, as he stood close to the stove so his + pants leg would dry. “He has not got to drinking again, has he?” + </p> + <p> + “O, no,” said the boy, as he filled the bulb with vinegar, to practice on + his chum, “It was this bouquet that got Pa into the trouble. You see I got + Pa to smell of it, and I just filled him chuck full of water. He got mad + and called me all kinds of names, and said I was no good on earth, and I + would fetch up in state's prison, and then he wanted to borrow it to wear + to the sociable. He said he would have more fun than you could shake a + stick at, and I asked him if he didn't think he would fetch up in state's + prison, and he said it was different with a man. He said when a man played + a joke there was a certain dignity about it that was lacking in a boy. So + I lent it to him, and we all went to the sociable in the basement of the + church. I never see Pa more kitteny than he was that night. He filled the + bulb with ice water, and the first one he got to smell of his button-hole + bouquet was an old maid who thinks Pa is a heathen, but she likes to be + made something of by anybody that wears pants, and when Pa sidled up to + her and began talking about what a great work the christian wimmen of the + land were doing in educating the heathen, she felt real good, and then she + noticed Pa's posey in his button-hole and she touched it, and then she + reached over her beak to smell of it. Pa he squeezed the bulb, and about + half a teacupful of water struck her right in the nose, and some went into + her strangle place, and <i>O, my</i>, didn't she yell.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/022.jpg" alt="One for the Old Maid 022 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “The sisters gathered around her, and they said her face was all covered + with perspiration, and the paint was coming off, and they took her in the + kitchen, and she told them Pa had slapped her with a dish of ice cream, + and the wimmin told the minister and the deacons, and they went to Pa for + a nexplanation, and Pa told them it was not so, and the minister got + interested and got near Pa, and Pa let the water go at him, and hit him on + the eye, and then a deacon got a dose, and Pa laughed; and then the + minister who used to go to college, and be a hazer, and box, he got mad + and squared off and hit Pa three times right by the eye, and one of the + deacons kicked Pa, and Pa got mad and said he could clean out the whole + shebang, and began to pull off his coat, when they bundled him out doors, + and Ma got mad to see Pa abused, and she left the sociable, and I had to + stay and eat ice cream and things for the whole family. Pa says that + settles it with him. He says they haven't got any more christian charity + in that church than they have in a tannery. His eyes are just getting over + being black from the sparring lessons, and now he has got to go through + oysters and beef-steak cure again. He says it is all owing to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, what has all this got to do with your putting up signs in front of + my store, 'Rotten Eggs,' and 'Frowy Butter a specialty,' said the grocery + man as he took the boy by the ear and pulled him around. You have got an + idea you are smart, and I want you to keep away from here. The next time I + catch you in here I shall call the police and have you pulled. Now git!” + </p> + <p> + The boy pulled his ear back on the side of his head where it belonged, + took out a cigarette and lit it, and after puffing smoke in the face of + the grocery cat that was sleeping on the cover to the sugar barrel he + said: + </p> + <p> + “If I was a provision pirate that never sold anything but what was spoiled + so it couldn't be sold in a first class store, who cheated in weights and + measures, who bought only wormy figs and decayed cod-fish, who got his + butter from a fat rendering establishment, his cider from a vinegar + factory, and his sugar from a glucose factory, I would not insult the son + of one of the finest families. Why, sir, I could go out on the corner, and + when I saw customers coming here, I could tell a story that would turn + their stomachs, and send them to the grocery on the next corner. Suppose I + should tell them that the cat sleeps in the dried apple barrel, that the + mice made nests in the prune box, and rats run riot through the raisins, + and that you never wash your hands except on Decoration day and Christmas, + that you wipe your nose on your shirt sleeves, and that you have the itch, + do you think your business would be improved? Suppose I should tell the + customers that you buy sour kraut of a wood-en-shoed Polacker, who makes + it of pieces of cabbage that he gets by gathering swill, and sell that + stuff to respectable people, could you pay your rent? If I should tell + them that you put lozengers in the collection plate at church, and charge + the minister forty cents a pound for oleomargarine, you would have to + close up. Old man, I am onto you, and now you apologize for pulling my + ear.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man turned pale during the recital, and finally said the bad + boy was one of the best little fellows in this town, and the boy went out + and hung up a sign in front:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GIRL WANTED + + TO COOK +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA STABBED—THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN VAIN—A BOOM + IN LINIMENT—HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY SHOW—THE BAD BOY + TURNS BURGLAR—THE OLD MAN STABBED—HIS ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY— + A GOOD SINGLE HANDED LIAR. +</pre> + <p> + “I hear you had burglars over to your house last night,” said the grocery + man to the bad boy, as he came in and sat on the counter right over a + little gimlet hole, where the grocery man had fixed a darning needle so + that by pulling a string the needle would fly up through the hole and run + into the boy about an inch. The grocery man had been laying for the boy + about two days, and now that he had got him right over the hole the first + time, it made him laugh to think how he would make him jump and yell, and + as he edged off and got hold of the string the boy looked unconscious of + impending danger. The grocery man pulled, and the boy sat still. He pulled + again, and again, and finally the boy said: + </p> + <p> + “Yes, it is reported that we had burglars over there. O, you needn't pull + that string any more. I heard you was setting a trap for me, and I put a + piece of board inside my pants, and thought I would let you exercise + yourself. Go ahead if it amuses you. It don't hurt me.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man looked sad, and then smiled a sickly sort of a smile, at + the failure of his plan to puncture the boy, and then he said, “Well, how + was it? The policeman didn't seem to know much about the particulars. He + said there was so much deviltry going on at your house that nobody could + tell when anything was serious, and he was inclined to think it was a put + up job.” + </p> + <p> + “Now let's have an understanding,” says the boy. “Whatever I say, you are + not to give me away. It's a go, is it? I have always been afraid of you, + because you have a sort of decayed egg look about you. You are like a peck + of potatoes with the big ones on top, a sort of a strawberry box, with the + bottom raised up, so I have thought you would go back on a fellow. But if + you won't give this away, here goes. You see, I heard Ma tell Pa to bring + up another bottle of liniment last night. When Ma corks herself, or has a + pain anywhere, she just uses liniment for all that is out, and a pint + bottle don't last more than a week. Well, I told my chum, and we laid for + Pa. This liniment Ma uses is offul hot, and almost blisters. Pa went to + the Langtry show, and did not get home till eleven o'clock, and me and my + chum decided to teach Pa a lesson. I don't think it is right for a man to + go to the theaters and not take his wife or his little boy. + </p> + <p> + “So we concluded to burgle Pa. We agreed to lay on the stairs, and when he + came up my chum was to hit him on the head with a dried bladder, and I was + to stab him on his breast pocket with a stick, and break the liniment + bottle, and make him think he was killed. + </p> + <p> + “It couldn't have worked better if we had rehearsed it. We had talked + about burglars at supper time, and got Pa nervous, so when he came up + stairs and was hit on the head with the bladder, the first thing he said + was 'Burglars, by mighty,' and he started to go back, and I hit him on the + breast pocket, where the bottle was, and then we rushed by him, down + stairs, and I said in a stage whisper, 'I guess he's a dead man,' and we + went down cellar and up the back stairs to my room and undressed.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/030.jpg" alt="The Old Man Stabbed 030 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Pa hollered to Ma that he was murdered, and Ma called me, and I came down + in my night-shirt, and the hired girl she came down, and Pa was on the + lounge, and he said his life-blood was fast ebbing away. He held his hand + on the wound, and said he could feel the warm blood trickling clear down + to his boots. I told Pa to stuff some tar into the wound, such as he told + me to put on my lip to make my mustache grow, and Pa said, 'My boy, this + is no time for trifling. Your Pa is on his last legs. When I came up + stairs I met six burglars, and I attacked them, and forced four of them + down, and was going to hold them and send for the police, when two more, + that I did not know about, jumped on me, and I was getting the best of + them when one of them struck me over the head with a crowbar, and the + other stabbed me to the heart with a butcher knife. I have received my + death wound, my boy, and my hot southern blood, that I offered up so + freely for my country in her time of need, is passing from my body, and + soon your Pa will be only a piece of poor clay. Get some ice and put on my + stomach, and all the way down, for I am burning up.' I went to the-water + pitcher and got a chunk of ice and put inside Pa's shirt, and while Ma was + tearing up an old skirt to stop the flow of blood, I asked Pa if he felt + better, and if he could describe the villains who had murdered him. Pa + gasped and moved his legs to get them cool from the clotted blood, he + said, and he went on, 'One of them was about six foot high, and had a + sandy mustache. I got him down and hit him on the nose, and if the police + find him, his nose will be broke. The second one was thick set, and + weighed about two hundred. I had him down, and my boot was on his neck, + and I was knocking two more down when I was hit. The thick set one will + have the mark of boot heels on his throat. Tell the police when I'm gone, + about the boot heel marks.' + </p> + <p> + “By this time Ma had got the skirt tore up, and she stuffed it under Pa's + shirt, right where he said he was hit, and Pa was telling us what to do to + settle his estate, when Ma began to smell the liniment, and she found the + broken bottle in his pocket, and searched Pa for the place where he was + stabbed, and then she began to laugh, and Pa got mad and said he didn't + see as a death-bed scene was such an almighty funny affair; and then she + told him he was not hurt, but that he had fallen on the stairs and broke + his bottle, and that there was no blood on him, and he said, 'do you mean + to tell me my body and legs are not bathed in human gore?' and then Pa got + up and found it was only the liniment. He got mad and asked Ma why she + didn't fly around and get something to take that liniment off his legs, as + it was eating them right through to the bone; and then he saw my chum put + his head in the door, with one gallus hanging down, and Pa looked at me, + and then he said, 'Lookahere, if I find out it was you boys that put up + this job on me, I'll make it so hot for you that you will think liniment + is ice cream in comparison.' I told Pa it didn't look reasonable that me + and my chum could be six burglars, six feet high, with our noses broke, + and boot-heel marks on our neck, and Pa, he said for us to go to bed + alfired quick, and give him a chance to rinse of that liniment, and we + retired. Say, how does my Pa strike you as a good, single-handed liar?” + and the boy went up to the counter, while the grocery man went after a + scuttle of coal. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, one of the grocery man's best customers—a deacon in + the church—had come in and sat down on the counter, over the darning + needle, and as the grocery man came in with the coal, the boy pulled the + string, and went out door and tipped over a basket of rutabagas, while the + deacon got down off the counter with his hand clasped, and anger in every + feature, and told the grocery man he could whip him in two minutes. The + grocery man asked what was the matter, and the deacon hunted up the source + from whence the darning needle came through the counter, and as the boy + went across the street, the deacon and the grocery man were rolling on the + floor, the grocery man trying to hold the deacon's fists while he + explained about the darning needle, and that it was intended for the boy. + How it came out the boy did not wait to see. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA BUSTED—THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK—WHAT'S A BILK?— + THE PIOUS BILK—THE OLD MAN INVESTS—THE DEACONS AND EVEN + THE HIRED GIRLS INVEST—HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR ONE—GETTING A + MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, can't I sell you some stock in a silver mine,” asked the bad boy of + the grocery man, as he came in the store and pulled from his breast pocket + a document printed on parchment paper, and representing several thousand + dollars stock in a silver mine. + </p> + <p> + “Lookahere,” says the grocery man, as he turned pale, and thought of + telephoning to the police station for a detective, “you haven't been + stealing your father's mining stock, have you? Great heavens, it has come + at last! I have known, all the time that you would turn out to be a + burglar, or a defaulter or robber of some kind. Your father has the + reputation of having a bonanza in a silver mine, but if you go lugging his + silver stock around he will soon be ruined. Now you go right back home and + put that stock in your Pa's safe, like a good boy.” + </p> + <p> + “Put it in the safe! O, no, we keep it in a box stall now, in the barn. I + will trade you this thousand dollars in stock for two heads of lettuce, + and get Pa to sign it over to you, if you say so. Pa told me I could have + the whole trunk full if I wanted it, and the hired girls are using the + silver stock to clean the windows, and to kindle fires, and Pa has quit + the church, and says he won't belong to any concern that harbors bilks. + What's a bilk?” said the boy, as he opened a candy jar and took out four + sticks of hoarhound candy. + </p> + <p> + “A bilk,” said the grocery man, as he watched the boy, “is a fellow that + plays a man for candy, or money, or anything, and don't intend to return + an equivalent. You are a small sized bilk. But what's the matter with your + Pa and the church, and what has the silver mine stock got to do with it?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you remember that exhorter that was here last fall, that used to + board around with the church people all the week, and talk about Zion and + laying up treasures where the moths wouldn't gnaw them, and they wouldn't + get rusty, and where thieves wouldn't pry off the hinges. He was the one + that used to go home with Ma from prayer meetings, when Pa was down town, + and who wanted to pay off the church debt in solid silver bricks. He's the + bilk. I guess if Pa should get him by the neck he would jerk nine kinds of + revealed religion out of him. O, Pa is hotter than he was when the hornets + took the lunch off of him. When you strike a pious man on the pocket-book + it hurts him. That fellow prayed and sang like an angel, and boarded + around like a tramp. He stopped at our house over a week, and he had + specimens of rock that were chuck full of silver and gold, and he and Pa + used to sit up nights and look at it. You could pick pieces of silver out + of the rock as big as buck shot, and he had some silver bricks that were + beautiful. He had been out in Colorado and found a hill full of the silver + rock, and he wanted to form a stock company and dig out millions of + dollars. He didn't want anybody but pious men that belonged to the church, + in the company, and I think that was one thing that caused Pa to unite + with the church so suddenly. I know he was as wicked as could be a few + days before he joined the church; but this revivalist, with his words + about the beautiful beyond where all shall dwell together in peace, and + sing praises; and his description of that Colorado mountain where the + silver stuck out so you could hang your hat on it, converted Pa. That + man's scheme was to let all the church people who were in good standing, + and who had plenty of money, into the company, and when the mine begun to + return dividends by the car load, they could give largely to the church + and pay the debts of all the churches, and put down carpets and fresco the + ceiling. The man said he felt that he had been steered on to that silver + mine by a higher power, and his idea was to work it for the glory of the + cause. He said he liked Pa, and would make him vice president of the + company. Pa, he bit like a bass, and I guess he invested five thousand + dollars in stock, and Ma, she wanted to come in, and she put in a thousand + dollars that she had laid up to buy some diamond ear-rings, and the man + gave Pa a lot of stock to sell to other members of the church. They all + went into it, even the minister. He drew his salary ahead, and all of the + deacons they come in, and the man went back to Colorado with about thirty + thousand dollars of good, pious money. Yesterday Pa got a paper from + Colorado, giving the whole snap away, and the pious man has been spending + the money in Denver, and whooping it up. Pa suspected something was wrong + two weeks ago, when he heard that the pious man had been on a toot in + Chicago, and he wrote to a man in Denver, who used to get full with Pa + years ago when they were both on the turf; and Pa's friend said the man + that sold the stock was a fraud, and that he didn't own no mine, and that + he borrowed the samples of ore and silver bricks from a pawnbroker in + Denver. I guess it will break Pa up for a while, though he is well enough + fixed with mortgages and things; but it hurts him to be took in. He lays + it all to Ma—he says if she hadn't let that exhorter for the silver + mine go home with her this would not have occurred, and Ma says she + believes Pa was in partnership with the man to beat her out of her + thousand dollars that she was going to buy a pair of diamond ear-rings + with. O, it is a terror over to the house now. Both the hired girls put in + all the money they had, and took stock, and they threaten to sue Pa for + arson, and they are going to leave to-night, and Ma will have to do the + work. Don't you never try to get rich quick,” said the boy as he peeled a + herring, and took a couple of crackers. + </p> + <p> + “Never you mind me,” said the grocery man, “they don't catch me on any of + their silver mines; but I hope this will have some influence on you, and + teach you to respect your Pa's feelings, and not play jokes on him while + he is feeling so bad over his being swindled.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't know about that, I think when a man is in trouble, if he has a + good little boy to take his mind from his troubles and get him mad at + something else, it rests him. Last night we had hot maple syrup and + biscuit for supper, and Pa had a saucer full in front of him, just a + steaming. I could see he was thinking too much about his mining stock, and + I thought if there was anything I could do to take his mind off of it and + place it on something else, I would be doing a kindness that would be + appreciated. I sat on the right of Pa, and when he wasn't looking I pulled + the table cloth so the saucer of red hot maple syrup dropped off in his + lap.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/042.jpg" alt="Maple Syrup for One 042 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, you'd a dide to see how quick his thoughts turned from his + financial troubles to his physical misfortunes. There was about a pint of + hot syrup, and it went all over his lap, and you know how hot melted maple + sugar is, and how it sort of clings to anything. Pa jumped up and grabbed + hold of his pants legs to pull them away from hisself, and he danced + around and told Ma to turn the hose on him, and then he took a pitcher of + ice water and poured it down his pants, and he said the condemned old + table was getting so ricketty that a saucer wouldn't stay on it, and I + told Pa if he would put some tar on his legs, the same kind that he told + me to put on my lip to make my moustache grow, the syrup wouldn't burn so; + and then he cuffed me, and I think he felt better It is a great thing to + get a man's mind off of his troubles, but where a man hasn't got any mind + like you, for instance—” + </p> + <p> + At this point the grocery man picked up a fire poker, and the boy went out + in a hurry and hung up a sign in front of the grocery: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + CASH PAID + + FOR FAT DOGS. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA AND DYNAMITE—THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER STOCK— + FENIAN SCARE—“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE—THE FENIAN BOOM— + “GREAT GOD HANNER WE ARE BLOWED UP!”—HIS MA HAS LOTS OF + SAND—THE OLD MAN USELESS IN TROUBLE. THE DOG AND THE FALSE + TEETH. +</pre> + <p> + “I guess your Pa's losses in the silver mine have made him crazy, haven't + they?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the store with + his eye winkers singed off, and powder marks on his face, and began to + play on the harmonica, as he sat down on the end of a stick of stove wood, + and balanced himself. + </p> + <p> + “O, I guess not. He has hedged. He got in with a deacon of another church, + and sold some of his stock to him, and Pa says if I will keep my condemn + mouth shut he will unload the whole of it, if the churches hold out. He + goes to a new church every night there is prayer meeting or anything, and + makes Ma go with him, to give him tone; and after meeting she talks with + the sisters about how to piece a silk bed quilt, while Pa gets in his work + selling silver stock. I don't know but he will order some more stock from + the factory, if he sells all he has got,” and the boy went on playing + “There's a land that is fairer than Day.” + </p> + <p> + “But what was he skipping up street for the other night with his hat off, + grabbing at his coat tails as though they were on fire? I thought I never + saw a pussy man run any faster. And what was the celebration down on your + street about that time? I thought the world was coming to an end,” and the + grocery man kept away from the boy, for fear he would explode. + </p> + <p> + “O, that was only a Fenian scare. Nothin' serious. You see Pa is a sort of + half Englishman. He claims to be an American citizen, when he wants + office, but when they talk about a draft he claims to be a subject of + Great Brit-tain, and he says they can't touch him. Pa is a darn smart man, + and don't you forget it. There don't any of them get ahead of Pa much. + Well, Pa has said a good deal about the wicked Fenians, and that they + ought to be pulled, and all that, and when I read the story in the papers + about the explosion in the British Parliament Pa was hot. He said the + damnirish was ruining the whole world. He didn't dare say it at the table + or our hired girl would have knocked him silly with a spoonful of mashed + potatoes, 'cause she is a nirish girl, and she can lick any Englishman in + this town. Pa said there ought to have been somebody thereto have taken + that bomb up and throwed it in the sewer before it exploded. He said that + if he ever should see a bomb he would grab it right up and throw it away + where it wouldn't hurt anybody. Pa has me read the papers to him nights, + cause his eyes have got splinters in 'em, and after I had read all there + was in the paper I made up a lot more and pretended to read it, about how + it was rumored that the Fenians here in Milwaukee were going to place + dynamite bombs at every house where an Englishman lived, and at a given + signal blow them all up. Pa looked pale around the gills, but he said he + wasn't scared. + </p> + <p> + “Pa and Ma were going to call on a she deacon that night, that has lots of + money in the bank, to see if she didn't want to invest in a dead sure + paying silver mine, and me and my chum concluded to give them a send off. + We got my big black injy rubber foot-ball, and painted '<i>Dinymight</i>' + in big white letters on it, and tied a piece of tarred rope to it for a + fuse, and got a big fire cracker, one of those old fourth of July horse + scarers, and a basket full of broken glass. We put the foot-ball in front + of the step and lit the tarred rope, and got under the step with the + firecrackers and basket, where they go down into the basement. Pa and Ma + came out the front door, and down the steps, and Pa saw the football, and + the burning fuse, and he said 'Great God, Hanner, we are blowed up!' and + he started to run, and Ma she stopped to look at it. Just as Pa started to + run I touched off the fire cracker, and my chum arranged it to pour out + the broken glass on the brick pavement just as the fire cracker went off.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/048.jpg" alt="Great God, Hanner, We Are Blowed up 048 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, everything went just as we expected, except Ma. She had examined + the foot-ball, and concluded it was not dangerous, and was just giving it + a kick as the firecracker went off, and the glass fell, and the + firecracker was so near her that it scared her, and when Pa looked around + Ma was flying across the sidewalk, and Pa heard the noise and he thought + the house was blown to atoms. O, you'd a died to see him go around the + corner. You could play crokay on his coat-tail, and his face was as pale + as Ma's when she goes to a party. But Ma didn't scare much. As quick as + she stopped against the hitching post she knew it was us boys, and she + came down there, and maybe she didn't maul me. I cried and tried to gain + her sympathy by telling her the firecracker went off before it was due, + and burned my eyebrows off, but she didn't let up until I promised to go + and find Pa. + </p> + <p> + “I tell you, my Ma ought to be engaged by the British government to hunt + out the dynamite fiends. She would corral them in two minutes. If Pa had + as much sand as Ma has got, it would be warm weather for me. Well, me and + my chum went and headed Pa off or I guess he would be running yet. We got + him up by the lake shore, and he wanted to know if the house fell down. He + said he would leave it to me if he ever said anything against the Fenians, + and I told him he had always claimed that the Fenians were the nicest men + in the world, and it seemed to relieve him very much. When he got home and + found the house there he was tickled, and when Ma called him an old + bald-headed coward, and said it was only a joke of the boys with a foot + ball, he laughed right out, and said he knew it all the time, and he ran + to see if Ma would be scared. And then he wanted to hug me, but it wasn't + my night to hug and I went down to the theater. Pa don't amount to much + when there is trouble. The time Ma had them cramps, you remember, when you + got your cucumbers first last season, Pa came near fainting away, and Ma + said ever since they had been married when anything ailed her, Pa has had + pains just the same as she has, only he grunted more, and thought he was + going to die. Gosh, if I was a man I wouldn't be sick every time one of + the neighbors had a back ache, would you? + </p> + <p> + “Well you can't tell. When you have been married twenty or thirty years + you will know a good deal more than you do now. You think you know it all, + now, and you are pretty intelligent for a boy that has been brought up + carelessly, but there are things that you will learn after a while that + will astonish you. But what ails your Pa's teeth? The hired girl was over + here to get some corn meal for gruel, and she said your Pa was gumming it, + since he lost his teeth.” + </p> + <p> + “O, about the teeth. That was too bad. You see my chum has got a dog that + is old, and his teeth have all come out in front, and this morning I + borried Pa's teeth before he got up, to see if we couldn't fix them in the + dog's mouth, so he could eat better. Pa says it is an evidence of a kind + heart for a boy to be good to dumb animals, but it is a darn mean dog that + will go back on a friend. We tied the teeth in the dog's mouth with a + string that went around his upper jaw, and another around his under jaw, + and you'd a dide to see how funny he looked when he laffed. + </p> + <p> + “He looked just like Pa when he tried to smile so as to get me to come up + to him so he can lick me. The dog pawed his mouth a spell to get the teeth + out, and then we gave him a bone with some meat on, and he began to gnaw + the bone, and the teeth come off the plate, and he thought it was pieces + of the bone, and he swallowed the teeth. My chum noticed it first, and he + said we had got to get in our work pretty quick to save the plates, and I + think we were in luck to save them. I held the dog, and my chum, who was + better acquainted with him, untied the strings and got the gold plates + out, but there were only two teeth left, and the dog was happy. He woggled + his tail for more teeth, but we hadn't any more. I am going to give him + Ma's teeth some day. My chum says when a dog gets an appetite for anything + you have got to keep giving it to him or he goes back on you. But I think + my chum played dirt on me. We sold the gold plates to a jewelry man, and + my chum kept the money. I think, as long as I furnished the goods, he + ought to have given me something besides the experience, don't you? After + this I don't have no more partners, you bet.” All this time the boy was + marking on a piece of paper, and soon after he went out the grocery man + noticed a crowd outside, and on he found a sign hanging up which read: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WORMY FIGS + + FOR PARTIES. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN—THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY ABUSED—-HE + GETS HOT—BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE GREASE—THE OLD MAN + WEARS ORANGE ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY—HE HAS TO RUN FOR HIS + LIFE—THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY SCHOOL—INGERSOLL AND BEECHER + VOTED OUT—“MARY HAD A LITTLE LAM.” + </pre> + <p> + “Say, will you do me a favor,” asked the bad boy of the grocery man, as he + sat down on the soap box and put his wet boots on the stove. + </p> + <p> + “Well, y-e-s,” said the grocery man hesitatingly, with a feeling that he + was liable to be sold. “If you will help me to catch the villain who hangs + up those disreputable signs in front of my store, I will. What is it?” + </p> + <p> + “I want you to lick this stamp and put it on this letter. It is to my + girl, and I want to fool her,” and the boy handed over the letter and + stamp, and while the grocery man was licking it and putting it on, the boy + filled his pockets with dried peaches out of a box. + </p> + <p> + “There, that's a small job,” said the grocery man, as he pressed the stamp + on the letter with his thumb and handed it back. “But how are you going to + fool her?” + </p> + <p> + “That's just business,” said the boy, as he held the letter to his nose + and smelled of the stamp. “That will make her tired. You see, every time + she gets a letter from me she kisses the stamp, because she thinks I + licked it. When she kisses this stamp and gets the fumes of plug tobacco, + and stale beer, and limburg cheese, and mouldy potatoes, it will knock her + down, and then she will ask me what ailed the stamp, and I will tell her I + got you to lick it, and then it will make her sick, and her parents will + stop trading here. O, it will paralize her. Do you know, you smell like a + glue factory. Gosh I can smell you all over the store, Don't you smell + anything that smells spoiled?” The grocery man thought he did smell + something that was rancid, and he looked around the stove and finally + kicked the boy's boot off the stove and said, “It's your boots burning. + Gracious, open the door. It smells like a hot box on a caboose. Whew! And + there comes a couple of my best lady customers.” The ladies came in and + held their handkerchiefs to their noses, and while they were trading the + boy said, as though continuing the conversation: + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Pa says that last oleomargarine I got here is nothing but axle + grease. Why don't you put your axle grease in a different kind of a + package? The only way you can tell axle grease from oleomargarine is in + spreading it on pancakes. Pa says axle grease will spread, but your + alleged butter just rolls right up and acts like lip salve, or ointment, + and is only fit to use on a sore—” + </p> + <p> + At this point the ladies went out of the store in disgust, without buying + anything, and the grocery man took a dried codfish by the tail and went up + to the boy and took him by the neck. “Golblast you, I have a notion to + kill you. You have driven away more custom from this store than your neck + is worth. Now you git,” and he struck the boy across the back with the + codfish. + </p> + <p> + “That's just the way with you all,” says the boy, as he put his sleeve up + to his eyes and pretended to cry, “when a fellow is up in the world, there + is nothing too good for him, but when he gets down, you maul him with a + codfish. Since Pa drove me out of the house, and told me to go shirk for + my living, I haven't had a kind word from anybody. My chum's dog won't + even follow me, and when a fellow gets so low down that a dog goes back on + him there is nothing left for him to do but to loaf around a grocery, or + sit on a jury, and I am too young to sit on a jury, though I know more + than some of the beats that lay around the court to get on a jury. I am + going to drown myself, and my death will be laid to you. They will find + evidences of codfish on my clothing, and you will be arrested for driving + me to a suicide's grave. Good-bye. I forgive you,” and the boy started for + the door. + </p> + <p> + “Hold on here,” says the grocery man, feeling that he had been too harsh, + “Come back here and have some maple sugar. What did your Pa drive you away + from home for?” + </p> + <p> + “O, it was on account of St. Patrick's Day,” said the bad boy as he bit + off half a pound of maple sugar, and dried his tears. “You see, Pa never + sees Ma buy a new silk handkerchief, but he wants it. Tother day Ma got + one of these orange-colored handkerchiefs, and Pa immediately had a sore + throat and wanted to wear it, and Ma let him put it on. I thought I would + break him of taking everything nice that Ma got, so when he went down town + with the orange handkerchief on his neck, I told some of the St. Patrick + boys in the Third ward, who had green ribbons on, that the old duffer that + was putting on style was an orange-man, and he said he could whip any St. + Patrick's Day man in town. The fellers laid for Pa, and when he came along + one of them threw a barrel at Pa, and another pulled the yellow + handkerchief off his neck, and they all yelled 'hang him,' and one grabbed + a rope that was on the sidewalk where they were moving a building, and Pa + got up and dusted. You'd a dide to see Pa run. He met a policeman and said + more'n a hundred men had tried to murder him, and they had mauled him and + stolen his yellow handkerchief. The policeman told Pa his life was not + safe, and he better go home and lock himself in, and he did, and I was + telling Ma about how I got the boys to scare Pa, and he heard it, and he + told me that settled it. He said I had caused him to run more foot races + than any champion pedestrian, and had made his life unbearable, and now I + must go it alone. Now I want you to send a couple of pounds of crackers + over to the house, and have your boy tell the hired girl that I have gone + down to the river to drown myself, and she will tell Ma, and Ma will tell + Pa, and pretty soon you will see a bald headed pussy man whooping it up + towards the river with a rope. They may think at times that I am a little + tough, but when it comes to parting forever, they weaken. + </p> + <p> + “Well, the teacher at school says you are a hardened infidel,” said the + grocery man, as he charged the crackers to the boy's Pa. “He says he had + to turn you out to keep you from ruining the morals of the other scholars. + How was that?” + </p> + <p> + “It was about speaking a piece. When I asked him what I should speak, he + told me to learn some speech of some great man, some lawyer or statesman, + so I learned one of Bob Ingersoll's speeches. Well, you'd a dide to see + the teacher and the school committee, when I started in on Bob Ingersoll's + lecture, the one that was in the papers when Bob was here. You see I + thought if a newspaper that all the pious folks takes in their families, + could publish Ingersoll's speech, it wouldn't do any hurt for a poor + little boy, who ain't knee high to a giraffe, to speak it in school, but + they made me dry up. The teacher is a republican, and when Ingersoll was + speaking around here on politix, the time of the election, the teacher + said Bob was the smartest man this country ever produced. I heard him say + that in a corcus, when he went bumming around the ward settin' 'em up + nights specting to be superintendent of schools. He said Bob Ingersoll + just took the cake, and I think it was darn mean in him to go back on Bob + and me too, just cause there was no 'lection. The school committee made + the teacher stop me, and they asked me if I didn't know any other piece to + speak, and I told them I knew one of Beecher's, and they let me go ahead, + but it was one of Beecher's new ones where he said he didn't believe in + any hell, and afore I got warmed up they said that was enough of that, and + I had to wind up on “Mary had a Little Lam.” None of them didn't kick on + Mary's Lam and I went through it, and they let me go home. That's about + the safest thing a boy can speak in school, now days, either “Mary had a + Little Lam,” or “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” That's about up to the + average intelleck of the committee. But if a boy tries to branch out as a + statesman, they choke him off. Well, I am going down to the river, and I + will leave my coat and hat by the wood yard, and get behind the wood, and + you steer Pa down there and you will see some tall weeping over them + clothes, and maybe Pa will jump in after me, and then I will come out from + behind the wood and throw in a board for him to swim ashore on. Good bye. + Give my pocket comb to my chum,” and the boy went out and hung up a sign + in front of the grocery, as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + POP CORN THAT THE CAT + + HAS SLEPT IN, CHEAP FOR + + POP CORN BALLS FOR SOCIABLES. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HIS MA DECEIVES HIM—THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF SAFFRON— + “WELL, IT'S A GIRL IF YOU MUST KNOW”—THE BAD BOY IS GRIEVED + AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION—“S-H-H TOOTSY GO TO SLEEP”—“BY LOW, + BABY”—THAT SETTLED IT WITH THE CAT—A BABY! BAH! IT MAKES + ME TIRED. +</pre> + <p> + “Give me ten cents worth of saffron, quick,” said the bad boy to the + grocery man, as he came in the grocery on a gallop, early one morning, + with no collar on and no vest. He looked as though he had been routed out + of bed in a hurry and had jumped into his pants and boots, and put on his + coat and hat on the run. + </p> + <p> + “I don't keep saffron,” said the grocery man as he picked up a barrel of + ax-handles the boy had tipped over in his hurry. “You want to go over to + the drug store on the corner, if you want saffron. But what on earth is + the mat—” + </p> + <p> + At this point the boy shot out of the door, tipping over a basket of white + beans, and disappeared in the drug store. The grocery man got down on his + knees on the sidewalk, and scooped up the beans, occasionally looking over + to the drug store, and just as he got them picked up, the boy came out of + the drug store and walked deliberately towards his home as though there + was no particular hurry. The grocery man looked after him, took up an + ax-handle, spit on his hands, and shouted to the boy to come over pretty + soon, as he wanted to talk with him. The boy did not come to the grocery + till towards night; but the grocery man had seen him running down town a + dozen times during the day and once he rode up to the house with the + doctor, and the grocer surmised what was the trouble. Along towards night + the boy came in in a dejected sort of a tired way, sat down on a barrel of + sugar, and never spoke. + </p> + <p> + “What is it, a boy or girl,” said the grocery man, winking at an old lady + with a shawl over her head, who was trying to hold a paper over a pitcher + of yeast with her thumb. + </p> + <p> + “How in blazes did you know anything about it?” said the boy, as he looked + around in astonishment, and with some indignation. “Well, it's a girl, if + you must know, and that's enough,” and he looked down at the cat playing + on the floor with a potato, his face a picture of dejection. + </p> + <p> + “O, don't feel bad about it,” said the grocery man, as he opened the door + for the old lady. “Such things are bound to occur; but you take my word + for it, that young one is going to have a hard life unless you mend your + ways. You will be using it for a cork to a jug, or to wad a gun with, the + first thing your Ma knows.” + </p> + <p> + “I wouldn't touch the darn thing with the tongs,” said the boy, as he + rallied enough to eat some crackers and cheese. “Gosh, this cheese tastes + good. I hain't had noth-to eat since morning. I have been all over this + town trolling for nurses. They think a boy hasn't got any feelings. But I + wouldn't care a goldarn, if Ma hadn't been sending me for neuralgia + medicine, and hay fever stuff all winter, when she wanted to get rid of + me. I have come into the room lots of times when Ma and the sewing girl + were at work on some flannel things, and Ma would hide them in a basket + and send me off after medicine. I was deceived up to about four o clock + this morning, when Pa come to my room and pulled me out of bed to go over + on the West Side after some old woman that knew Ma, and they have kept me + whooping ever since. What does a boy want of a sister, unless it is a big + sister. I don't want no sister that I have got to hold, and rock, and hold + a bottle for. This affair breaks me all up,” and the boy picked the cheese + out of his teeth with a sliver he cut from the counter. + </p> + <p> + “Well, how does your Pa take it?” asked the grocery man, as he charged the + boy's Pa with cheese, and saffron, and a number of such things. + </p> + <p> + “O, Pa will pull through. He wanted to boss the whole concern until Ma's + chum, an old woman that takes snuff, fired him out into the hall. Pa sat + there on my hand-sled, a perfect picture of dispair, and I thought it + would be a kindness to play in on him. I found the cat asleep in the + bath-room, and I rolled the cat up in a shawl and brought it out to Pa and + told him the nurse wanted him to hold the baby. It seemed to do Pa good to + feel that he was indispensible around the house, and he took the cat on + his lap as tenderly as you ever saw a mother hold her infant. Well, I got + in the back hall, where he couldn't see me, and pretty soon the cat began + to wake up and stretch himself, and Pa said 's-h-h-tootsy, go to sleep + now, and let its Pa hold it,' and Pa he rocked back and forth on the hand + sled and began to sing 'by, low, baby.' That settled it with the cat.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/066.jpg" alt="By Low Baby 066 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, some cats can't stand music, anyway, and the more the cat wanted to + get out of the shawl, the louder Pa sung, and bimeby I heard + something-rip, and Pa yelled, 'scat you brute,' and when I looked around + the corner of the hall the cat was bracing hisself against Pa's vest with + his toe nails, and yowling, and Pa fell over the sled and began to talk + about the hereafter like the minister does when he gets excited in church, + and then Pa picked up the sled and seemed to be looking for me or the cat, + but both of us was offul scarce. Don't you think there are times when boys + and cats are kind of few around their accustomed haunts? Pa don't look as + though he was very smart, but he can hold a cat about as well as the next + man. But I am sorry for Ma. She was just getting ready to go to Florida + for her neuralgia, and this will put a stop to it, cause she has to stay + and take care of that young one. Pa says I will have a nice time this + summer pushing the baby wagon. By the great horn spoons, there has got to + be a dividing line somewhere, between business and pleasure, and I strike + the line at wheeling a baby. I had rather catch a string of perch than to + wheel all the babies ever was. They needn't procure no baby on my account, + if it is to amuse me. I don't see why babies can't be sawed off onto + people that need them in their business. Our folks don't need a baby any + more than you need a safe, and there are people just suffering for babies. + Say, how would it be to take the baby some night and leave it on some old + batchelor's door step. If it had been a bicycle, or a breech loading + shot-gun, I wouldn't have cared, but a baby! Bah! It makes me tired. I'd + druther have a prize package. Well, I am sorry Pa allowed me to come home, + after he drove me away last week. I guess all he wanted me to come back + for was to humiliate me, and send me on errands. Well, I must go and see + if he and the cat have made up.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy went out and put a paper sign in front of the store: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + LEAVE YOUR MEASURE + + FOR SAFFRON TEA. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BABY AND THE GOAT—THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER WILL BE + A FIRE ENGINE—“OLD NUMBER TWO “—BABY REQUIRES GOAT MILK— + THE GOAT IS FRISKY—TAKES TO EATING ROMAN CANDLES—THE OLD + MAN, THE HIRED GIRL AND THE GOAT—THE BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER + IN A LIVERY STABLE. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, how is the baby?” asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he came + into the grocery smelling very “horsey,” and sat down on the chair with + the back gone, and looked very tired. + </p> + <p> + “O, darn the baby. Everybody asks me about the baby as though it was mine. + I don't pay no attention to the darn thing, except to notice the + foolishness going on around the house. Say, I guess that baby will grow up + to be a fire engine. The nurse coupled the baby onto a section of rubber + hose that runs down into a bottle of milk, and it began to get up steam + and pretty soon the milk began to disappear, just like the water does when + a fire engine couples on to a hydrant. Pa calls the baby “Old Number Two.” + I am “Number One,” and if Pa had a hook and ladder truck and a hose cart, + and a fire gong he would imagine he was chief engineer of the fire + department. But the baby kicks on this milk wagon milk, and howls like a + dog that's got lost. The doctor told Pa the best thing he could do was to + get a goat, but Pa said since we 'nishiated him into the Masons with the + goat he wouldn't have a goat around no how. The doc told Pa the other kind + of a goat, I think it was a Samantha goat he said, wouldn't kick with its + head, and Pa sent me up into the Polack settlement to see if I couldn't + borrow a milk goat for a few weeks. I got a woman to lend us her goat till + the baby got big enough to chew beef, for a dollar a week, and paid a + dollar in advance, and Pa went up in the evening to help me get the goat. + Well it was the darndest mistake you ever see. There was two goats so near + alike you could not tell which was the goat we leased, and the other goat + was the chum of our goat, but it belonged to a Nirish woman. We got a bed + cord hitched around the Irish goat, and that goat didn't recognize the + lease, and when we tried to jerk it along it rared right up, and made + things real quick for Pa. I don't know what there is about a goat that + makes it get so spunky, but that goat seemed to have a grudge against Pa + from the first. If there were any places on Pa's manly form that the goat + did not explore, with his head, Pa don't know where the places are. O, it + lammed him, and when I laffed Pa got mad. I told him every man ought to + furnish his own goats, when he had a baby, and I let go the rope and + started off, and Pa said he knew how it was, I wanted him to get killed. + It wasn't that, but I saw the Irish woman that owned the goat coming + around the corner of the house with a cistern pole. Just as Pa was getting + the goat out of the gate the goat got cross ways of the gate, and Pa + yanked, and doubled the goat right up, and I thought he had broke the + goats neck, and the woman thought so too, for she jabbed Pa with the + cistern pole just below the belt, and she tried to get a hold on Pa's + hair, but he had her there. No woman can get the advantage of Pa that way + 'cause Ma has tried it. Well, Pa explained it to the woman, and she let Pa + off if he would pay her two dollars for damages to her goat, and he paid + it, and then we took the nanny goat, and it went right along with us. But + I have got my opinion of a baby that will drink goat's milk. Gosh, it is + like this stuff that comes in a spoiled cocoanut. The baby hasn't done + anything but blat since the nurse coupled it onto the goat hydrant. I had + to take all my playthings out of the basement to keep the goat from eating + them. I guess the milk will taste of powder and singed hair now. The goat + got to eating some Roman candles me and my chum had laid away in the coal + bin, and chewed them around the furnace, and the powder leaked out and a + coal fell out of the furnace on the hearth, and you'd a dide to see Pa and + the hired girl and the goat. You see Pa can't milk nothing but a milk + wagon, and he got the hired girl to milk the goat, and they were just + hunting around the basement for the goat, with a tin cup, when the + fireworks went off.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/074.jpg" + alt="The Old Man, the Hired Girl and The Goat 074 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, there was balls of green, and red and blue fire, and spilled powder + blazed up, and the goat just looked astonished, and looked on as though it + was sorry so much good fodder was spoiled, but when its hair began to + burn, the goat gave one snort and went between Pa and the hired girl like + it was shot out of a cannon, and it knocked Pa over a wash boiler into the + coal bin, and the hired girl in amongst the kindling wood, and she crossed + herself and repeated the catekism, and the goat jumped up on the brick + furnace, and they couldn't get it down. I heard the celebration and went + down and took Pa by the pants and pulled him out of the coal bin, and he + said he would surrender, and plead guilty of being the biggest fool in + Milwaukee. I pulled the kindling wood off the hired girl, and then she got + mad, and said she would milk the goat or die. O, that girl has got sand. + She used to work in the glass factory. Well, sir, it was a sight worth two + shillings admission, to see that hired girl get upon a step ladder to milk + that goat on top of the furnace, with Pa sitting on a barrel of potatoes, + bossing the job. They are going to fix a gang plank to get the goat down + off the furnace. The baby kicked on the milk last night. I guess besides + tasting of powder and burnt hair, the milk was too warm on account of the + furnace. Pa has got to grow a new lot of hair on that goat, or the woman + won't take it back. She don't want no bald goat. Well, they can run the + baby and goat to suit themselves, 'cause I have resigned. I have gone into + business. Don't you smell anything that would lead you to surmise that I + had gone into business? No drugstore this time,” and the boy got up and + put his thumbs in the armholes of his vest, and looked proud. + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't know as I smell anything except the faint odor of a horse + blanket. What you gone into anyway?” and the grocery man put the wrapping + paper under the counter, and put the red chalk in his pocket, so the boy + couldn't write any sign to hang up outside. + </p> + <p> + “You hit it the first time I have accepted a situation of teller in a + livery stable,” said the boy, as he searched around for the barrel of cut + sugar, which had been removed. + </p> + <p> + “Teller in a livery stable! Well that is a new one on me. What is a teller + in a livery stable?” and the grocery man looked pleased, and pointed the + boy to a barrel of seven cent sugar. + </p> + <p> + “Don't you know what a teller is in a livery stable? It is the same as a + teller in a bank. I have to grease the harness, oil the buggies, and curry + off the horses, and when a man comes in to hire a horse I have to go down + to the saloon and tell the livery man. That's what a teller is. I like the + teller part of it; but greasing harness is a little too rich for my blood, + but the livery man says if I stick to it I will be governor some day, + 'cause most all the great men have begun life taking care of horses. It + all depends on my girl whether I stick or not. If she likes the smell of + horses I shall be a statesman, but if she objects to it and sticks up her + nose, I shall not yearn to be governor, at the expense of my girl. It + beats all, don't it, that wimmen settle every great question. Everybody + does everything to please wimmen, and if they kick on anything that + settles it. But I must go and umpire that game between Pa, and the hired + girl, and the goat. Say, can't you come over and see the baby? 'Taint + bigger than a small satchel,” and the boy waited till the grocery man went + to draw some vinegar, when he slipped out and put up a sign written on a + shingle with white chalk: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + YELLOW SAND WANTED + + FOR MAPLE SUGAR. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A FUNERAL PROCESSION—THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES—“YOU OUGHT TO + SEE THE MINISTER!”—AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL—THE MINISTER + TAKES THE LINES—AN EARTHQUAKE—AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE WAS + OVER—THE POLICEMAN FANS THE MINISTER—A MINISTER SHOULD + HAVE SENSE. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, great Julius Cæsar's bald-headed ghost, what's the matter with + you?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came into the grocery on + crutches, with one arm in a sling, one eye blackened, and a strip of court + plaster across his face “Where was the explosion, or have you been in a + fight, or has your Pa been giving you what you deserve, with a club? Here, + let me help you; there, sit down on that keg of apple-jack. Well, by the + great guns, you look as though you had called somebody a liar. What's the + matter?” and the grocery man took the crutches and stood them up against + the show case. + </p> + <p> + “O, there's not much the matter with me,” said the boy, in a voice that + sounded all broke up, as he took a big apple off a basket, and began + peeling it with his upper front teeth. “If you think I am a wreck, you + ought to see the minister. They had to carry him home in installments, the + way they buy sewing machines. I am all right; but they have got to stop + him up with oakum and tar, before he will hold water again!” + </p> + <p> + “Good gracious, you have not had a fight with the minister, have you? + Well, I have said all the time, and I stick to it, that you would commit a + crime yet, and go to state prison. What was the fuss about?” and the + grocery man laid the hatchet out of the boy's reach for fear he would get + excited and kill him. + </p> + <p> + “O, I want no fuss, it was in the way of business. You see the livery man + that I was working for promoted me. He let me drive a horse to haul + sawdust for bedding, first, and when he found I was real careful he let me + drive an express wagon to haul trunks. Day before yesterday, I think it + was—yes, I was in bed all day yesterday—day before yesterday + there was a funeral, and our stable furnished the outfit. It was only a + common, eleven dollar funeral, so they let me go to drive the horse for + the minister—you know, the buggy that goes ahead of the hearse. They + gave me an old horse that is thirty years old, that has not been off of a + walk since nine years ago, and they told me to give him a loose rein, and + he would go along all right. It's the same old horse that used to pace so + fast on the avenue, years ago, but I didn't know it. Well, I wan't to + blame. I just let him walk along as though he was hauling sawdust, and + gave him a loose rein. When we got off of the pavement, the fellow that + drives the hearse, he was in a hurry, 'cause his folks was going to have + ducks for dinner, and he wanted to get back, so he kept driving along side + of my buggy, and telling me to hurry up. I wouldn't do it, 'cause the + livery man told me to walk the horse. Then the minister, he got nervous, + and said he didn't know as there was any use of going so slow, because he + wanted to get back in time to get his lunch and go to a minister's meeting + in the afternoon, but I told him we would all get to the cemetery soon + enough if we took it cool, and as for me I wasn't in no sweat. Then one of + the drivers that was driving the mourners, he came up and said he had to + get back in time to run a wedding down to the one o'clock train, and for + me to pull out a little. I have seen enough of disobeying orders, and I + told him a funeral in the hand was worth two weddings in the bush, and as + far as I was concerned, this funeral was going to be conducted in a + decorous manner, if we didn't get back till the next day. Well, the + minister said, in his regular Sunday school way, 'My little man, let me + take hold of the lines,' and like a darn fool I gave them to him. He + slapped the old horse on the crupper with the lines, and then jerked up, + and the old horse stuck up his off ear, and then the hearse driver told + the minister to pull hard and saw on the bit a little, and the old horse + would wake up. The hearse driver used to drive the old pacer on the track, + and he knew what he wanted. The minister took off his black kid gloves and + put his umbrella down between us, and pulled his hat down tight on his + head, and began to pull and saw on the bit. The old cripple began to move + along sort of sideways, like a hog going to war, and the minister pulled + some more, and the hearse driver, who was right behind, he said, so you + could hear him clear to Waukesha, 'Ye-e-up,' and the old horse kept going + faster, then the minister thought the procession was getting too quick, + and he pulled harder, and yelled 'who-a' and that made the old horse + worse, and I looked through the little window in the buggy top. behind, + and the hearse was about two blocks behind, and the driver was laughing, + and the minister he got pale and said, 'My little man I guess you better + drive,' and I said 'Not much Mary Ann, you wouldn't let me run this + funeral the way I wanted to, and now you can boss it, if you will let me + get out,' but there was a street car ahead and all of a sudden there was + an earthquake, and when I come to there were about six hundred people + pouring water down my neck, and the hearse was hitched to the fence, and + the hearse driver was asking if my leg was broke, and a policeman was + fanning the minister with a plug hat that looked as though it had been + struck by a pile driver, and some people were hauling our buggy into the + gutter, and some men were trying to take old pacer out of the windows of + the street-car, and then I guess I fainted away agin. O, it was worse than + telescoping a train loaded with cattle.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/084.jpg" alt="After the Earthquake Was over 084 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Well, I swan,” said the grocery man, as he put some eggs in a funnel + shaped brown paper for a servant girl. “What did the minister say when he + come to?” + </p> + <p> + “Say! What could he say? He just yelled 'whoa,' and kept sawing with his + hands, as though he was driving. I heard that the policeman was going to + pull him for fast driving, till he found it was an accident. They told me, + when they carried me home in a hack, that it was a wonder everybody was + not killed, and when I got home Pa was going to sass me, until the hearse + driver told him it was the minister that was to blame. I want to find out + if they got the minister's umbrella back. The last I see of it the + umbrella was running up his trouser's leg, and the point come out by the + small of his back. But I am all right, only my shoulder sprained, and my + legs bruised, and my eye black. I will be all right, and shall go to work + to-morrow, 'cause the livery man says I was the only one in the crowd that + had any sense. I understand the minister is going to take a vacation on + account of his liver and nervous prostration. I would if I was him. I + never saw a man that had nervous prostration any more than he did when + they fished him out of the barbed wire fence, after we struck the street + car. But that settles the minister business with me. I don't drive for no + more preachers. What I want is a quiet party that wants to go on a walk,” + and the boy got up and hopped on one foot towards his crutcher, filling + his pistol pocket with fig he hobbled along. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir,” said the grocery man, as he took a chew of tobacco out of a + pail, and offered some to the boy, knowing that was the only thing in the + store the boy would not take, “Do you know I think some of these ministers + have about as little sense on worldly matters, as anybody? Now, the idea + of that man jerking on an old pacer. It don't make any difference if the + pacer was hundred years old, he <i>would</i> pace if he was jerked on.” + </p> + <p> + “You bet,” said the boy, as he put his crutches under his arms, and + started for the door. “A minister may be sound on the Atonement, but he + don't want to saw on an old pacer. He may have the subject of infant + baptism down finer than a cambric needle, but if he has ever been to + college, he ought to have learned enough not to say '<i>ye up</i>' to an + old pacer that has been the boss of the road in his time. A minister may + be endowed with sublime power to draw sinners to repentance, and make them + feel like getting up and dusting for the beautiful beyond, and cause them, + by his eloquence, to see angles bright and fair in their dreams, and + chariots of fire flying through the pearly gates and down the golden + streets of New Jerusalem, but he wants to turn out for a street car all + the same, when he is driving a 2:20 pacer. The next time I drive a + minister to a funeral, he will walk,” and the boy hobbled out and hung out + a sign in front of the grocery: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SMOKED DOG FISH AT HALIBUT PRICES, + + GOOD ENOUGH + + FOR COMPANY. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH—THE GROCERYMAN AND THE BAD BOY + HAVE A FUSS—THE BOHEMIAN BAND—THE BAD BOY ORGANIZES A + SERENADE—“BABY MINE”—THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT—THE BOHEMIANS + CREATE A FAMINE—THE Y. M. C. A. ANNOUNCEMENT. +</pre> + <p> + “There, you drop that,” said the groceryman to the bad boy, as he came + limping into the store, and began to fumble around a box of strawberries. + “I have never kicked at your eating my codfish, and crackers and cheese, + and herring, and apples, but there has got to be a dividing line + somewhere, and I make it at strawberries at six shillings a box, and only + two layers in a box. I only bought one box, hoping some plumber, or gas + man would come along and buy it, and by gum, everybody that has been in + the store has sampled a strawberry out of that box. shivered as though it + was sour, and gone off without asking the price,” and the grocery man + looked mad, took a hatchet and knocked in the head of a barrel of apples, + and said, “There, help yourself to dried apples.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't want your strawberries or dried apples,” said the boy, as he + leaned against a show case and looked at a bar of red, transparent soap. + “I was only trying to fool you. Say, that bar of soap is old enough to + vote. I remember seeing it in your show case when I was about a year old, + and Pa came in here with me and held me up to the show case to look at + that tin tobacco box, and that round zinc looking-glass, and the yellow + wooden pocket comb, and the soap looks just the same, only a little faded. + If you would wash yourself once in a while your soap wouldn't dry up on + your hands,” and the boy sat down on the chair without any back, feeling + that he was even with the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “You never mind the soap. It is paid for, and that is more than your + father can say about the soap that has been used in his house the past + month,” said the grocery man, as he split up a box to kindle the fire. + “But we won't quarrel. What was it I heard about a band serenading your + father, and his inviting them in to lunch?” + </p> + <p> + “Don't let that get out or Pa will kill me dead. It was a joke. One of + those Bohemian bands that goes about town playing tunes for pennies, was + over on the next street, and I told Pa I guessed some of his friends who + had heard we had a baby at the house, had hired a band and was coming in a + few minutes to serenade him, and he better prepare to make a speech. Pa is + proud of being a father at his age, and he thought it no more than right + for the neighbors to serenade him, and he went to loading himself for a + speech, in the library, and me and my chum went out and told the leader of + the band there was a family up there that wanted to have some music, and + they didn't care for expense, so they quit blowing where they was and came + right along. None of them could understand English except the leader, and + he only understood enough to go and take a drink when he is invited. My + chum steered the band up to our house and got them to play 'Babies on our + Block,' and 'Baby Mine,' and I stopped all the men who were going home and + told them to wait a minute and they would see some fun, so when the band + got through the second tune, and the Prussians were emptying the beer out + of the horns, and Pa stepped out on the porch, there was more nor a + hundred people in front of the house. You'd a dide to see Pa when he put + his hand in the breast of his coat, and struck an attitude. He looked like + a congressman, or a tramp. The band was scared, cause they thought he was + mad, and some of them were going to run, thinking he was going to throw + pieces of brick house at them, but my chum and the leader kept them. Then + Pa sailed in. He commenced, 'Fellow Citizens,' and then went way back to + Adam and Eve, and worked up to the present day, giving a history of the + notable people who had acquired children, and kept the crowd interested. I + felt sorry for Pa, cause I knew how he would feel when he came to find out + how he had been sold. The Bohemians in the band that couldn't understand + English, they looked at each other, and wondered what it was all about, + and finally Pa wound up by stating that it was every citizen's duty to own + children of his own, and then he invited the band and the crowd in to take + some refreshments. Well, you ought to have seen that band come in the + house. They fell over each other getting in, and the crowd went home, + leaving Pa and my chum and me and the band. Eat? Well, I should smile. + They just reached f'or things, and talked Bohemian. Drink? O, no. I guess + they didn't pour it down. Pa opened a dozen bottles of champagne, and they + fairly bathed in it, as though they had a fire inside. Pa tried to talk + with them about the baby, but they couldn't understand, and finally they + got full and started out, and the leader asked Pa for three dollars, and + that broke him. Pa told the leader he supposed the gentlemen who had got + up the serenade had paid for the music, and the leader pointed to me and + said I was the gentleman that got it up. Pa paid him, but he had a wicked + look in his eye, and me and my chum lit out, and the Bohemians came down + the street bilin' full, with their horns on their arms, and they were + talking Bohemian for all that was out. They stopped in front of a vacant + house, and began to play; but you couldn't tell what tune it was, they + were so full, and a policeman came along and drove them home. I guess I + will sleep at the livery stable to-night, cause Pa is so offul + unreasonable when anything costs him three dollars, besides the + champagne.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you have made a pretty mess of it,” said the grocery man. “It's a + wonder your Pa does not kill you. But what is it I hear about the trouble + at the church? They lay that foolishness to you.” + </p> + <p> + “It's all a lie. They lay everything to me. It was some of them ducks that + sing in the choir. I was just as much surprised as anybody when it + occurred. You see our minister is laid up from the effect of the ride to + the funeral, when he tried to run over a street car; and an old deacon who + had symptoms of being a minister in his youth, was invited to take the + minister's place, and talk a little. He is an absent minded old party, who + don't keep up with the events of the day, and whoever played it on him + knew that he was too pious to even read the daily papers. There was a + notice of a choir meeting to be read, and I think the tenor smuggled in + the other notice between that and the one about the weekly prayer meeting. + Anyway, it wasn't me, but it like to broke up the meeting After the deacon + read the choir notice he took up the other one and read, 'I am requested + to announce that the Y. M. C. Association will give a friendly + entertainment with soft gloves, on Tuesday evening, to which all are + invited. Brother John Sullivan, the eminent Boston revivalist will lead + the exercises, assisted by Brother Slade, the Maori missionary from + Australia. There will be no slugging, but a collection will be taken up at + the door to defray expenses.' Well, I though the people in church would + sink through the floor. There was not a person in the church except the + poor old deacon, but who understood that some wicked wretch had deceived + him, and I know by the way the tenor tickled the soprano that he did it. I + may be mean, but everything I do is innocent, and I wouldn't be as mean as + a choir singer for two dollars. I felt real sorry for the old deacon, but + he never knew what he had done, and I think it would be real mean to tell + him. He won't be at the slugging match. That remark about taking up a + collection settled the deacon. I must go down to the stable now, and help + grease a hack, so you will have to excuse me. If Pa comes here looking for + me, tell him you heard I was going to drive a picnic party out to + Waukesha, and may not be back in a week. By that time Pa will have got + over that Bohemian serenade,” and the boy filled his pistol pocket with + dried apples, and went out and hung a sign in front of the grocery: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + STRAWBERRIES, TWO SHILLINGS A SMELL; + + AND ONE SMELL IS ENOUGH. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES—THE GROCERY MAN IS DECEIVED— + THE BAD BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING—GOES INTO THE COLORING + BUSINESS—THE OLD MAN THOROUGHLY DISGUISED—UNCLE TOM AND + TOPSY—THE OLD MAN ARRESTED—WHAT THE GROCERY MAN THINKS— + THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE—RESOLVES TO BE GOOD. +</pre> + <p> + “See here, you coon, you get out of here,” said the grocery man to the bad + boy, as he came in the store with his face black and shining, “I don't + want any colored boys around here. White boys break me up bad enough.” + </p> + <p> + “O, philopene,” said the bad boy, as he put his hands on his knees and + laughed so the candy jars rattled on the shelves. “You didn't know me. I + am the same boy that comes in here and talks your arm off,” and the boy + opened the cheese box and cut off a piece of cheese so natural that the + grocery man had no difficulty in recognizing him. + </p> + <p> + “What in the name of the seven sleeping sisters have you got on your hands + and face,” said the grocery man, as he took the boy by the ear and turned + him around, “You would pass in a colored prayer meeting, and no one would + think you were galvanized. What you got up in such an outlandish rig for?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll tell you, if you will keep watch at the door. If you see a + bald-headed colored man coming along the street with a club, you whistle, + and I will fall down cellar. The bald-headed colored man will be Pa. You + see, we moved yesterday. Pa told me to get a vacation from the livery + stable, and we would have fun moving. But I don't want any more fun. I + know when I have got enough fun. Pa carried all the light things, and when + it came to lifting, he had a crick in the back. Gosh, I never was so tired + as I was last night, and I hope we have got settled, only some of the + goods haven't turned up yet. A drayman took one load over on the west + side, and delivered them to a house that seemed to be expecting a load of + household furniture. He thought it was all right, if everybody that was + moving got a load of goods. Well, after we got moved Pa said we must make + a garden, and we said we would go out and spade up the ground and sow + peas, and radishes, and beets. There was some neighbors lived in the next + house to our new one, that was all wimmen, and Pa don't like to have them + think he had to work, so he said it would be a good joke to disguise + ourselves as tramps, and the neighbors would think we had hired some + tramps to dig in the garden. I told Pa of a boss scheme to fool them. I + suggested that we take some of his shoe blacking that is put on with a + sponge, and black our faces, and the neighbors would think we had hired an + old colored man and his boy to work in the garden. Pa said it was immense, + and he told me to go and black up, and if it worked he would black + hisself. So I went and put this burnt cork on my face, 'cause it would + wash off, and Pa looked at me and said it was wack, and for me to fix him + up too. So I got the bottle of shoe blacking and painted Pa so he looked + like a colored coal heaver. Actually, when Ma saw him she ordered him off + the premises, and when he laffed at her and acted sassy, she was going to + throw biling water on Pa. But I told her the scheme and she let up on Pa. + O, you'd a dide to see us out in the garden. Pa looked like uncle Tom, and + I looked like Topsy, only I ain't that kind of a colored person.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/098.jpg" alt="Uncle Tom and Topsy 098 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “We worked till a boy throwed some tomato cans over the ally fence and hit + me, and I piled over the fence after him and left Pa. It was my chum, and + when I had caught him we put up a job to get Pa to chase us. We throwed + some more cans, and Pa come out and my chum started and I after him, and + Pa after both of us. He chased us two blocks and then we got behind a + policeman, and my chum told the policeman it was a crazy old colored man + that wanted to kidnap us, and the policeman took Pa by the neck and was + going to club him, but Pa said he would go home and behave. He was offul + mad, and he went home and we looked through the alley fence and saw Pa + trying to wash off the blacking. You see that blacking won't wash off. You + have to wear it off. Pa would wash his face with soap suds, and then look + in the glass, and he was blacker everytime he washed, and when Ma laffed + at him he said the offulest words, something like 'sweet spirit hear my + prayer,' then he washed himself again. I am going to leave my burnt cork + on, cause if I washed it off Pa would know there had been some smouging + somewhere. I asked the shoe store man how long it would take the blacking + to wear off, and he said it ought to wear off in a week. I guess Pa won't + go out doors much, unless it is in the night. I am going to get him to let + me go off in the country fishing, till mine wears off, and when I get out + of town I will wash up. Say, you don't think a little blacking hurts a + man's complexion do you, and you don't think a man ought to get mad + because it won't wash off, do you?” + </p> + <p> + “O, probably it don't hurt the complexion,” said the grocery man, as he + sprinkled some fresh water on the wilted lettuce, so it would look fresh + while the hired girl was buying some, “and yet it is mighty unpleasant, + where a man has got an engagement to go to a card party, as I know your Pa + has to-night. As to getting mad about it, if I was your Pa I would take a + barrel stave and shatter your castle scandalous. What kind of a fate do + you think awaits you when you die, anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I am mixed on the fate that awaits me when I die. If I should go + off sudden, with all my sins on my head, and this burnt cork on my face, I + should probably be a neighbor to you, way down below, and they would give + me a job as fireman, and I should feel bad for you every time I chucked in + a nuther chunk of brimstone, and thought of you trying to swim dog fashion + in the lake of fire, and straining your eyes to find an iceberg that you + could crawl up on to cool your parched hind legs. If I don't die slow so I + will have time to repent, and be saved, I shall be toasted brown. That's + what the minister says, and they wouldn't pay him two thousand dollars a + year and give him a vacation to tell anything that was not so. I tell you + it is painful to think of that place that so many pretty fair average + people here are going to when they die. Just think of it, a man that + swears just once, if he don't hedge, and take it back will go to the bad + place. If a person steals a pin, just a small, no account pin, he is as + bad as if he stole all there was in a bank, and he stands the best chance + of going to the bad place. You see, if a fellow steals a little thing like + a pin, he forgets to repent, cause it don't seem to be worth while to make + so much fuss about. But if a fellow robs a bank, or steals a whole lot of + money from orphans, he knows it is a mighty serious matter, and he gets in + his work repenting, too quick, and he is liable to get to the good place, + while you, who have only stole a few potatoes out of a bushel that you + sold to the orphan asylum, will forget to repent, and you will sizzle. I + tell you, the more I read about being good, and going to Heaven, the more + I think a feller can't be too careful, and from this out you won't find a + better boy than I am. When I come in here after this and take a few dried + peaches or crackers and cheese, you charge it right up to Pa, and then I + won't have it on my mind and have to answer for it at the great judgment + day. I am going to shake my chum, cause he chews tobacco, which is wicked, + though I don't see how that can be, when the minister smokes, but I want + to be on the safe side. I am going to be good or bust a suspender, and + hereafter you can point to me as a boy who has seen the folly of an + ill-spent life, and if there is such a thing as a fifteen year old boy, + who has been a terror, getting to heaven, I am the hairpin. I tell you, + when I listen to the minister tell about the angels flying around there, + and I see pictures of them purtier than any girl in this town, with chubby + arms with dimples in the elbows and shoulders, and long golden hair, and + think of myself here cleaning off horses in a livery stable and smelling + like an old harness, it makes me tired, and I wouldn't miss going there + for ten dollars. Say, you would make a healthy angel, for a back street of + the new Jerusalem, but you would give the whole crowd away unless you + washed up, and sent that shirt to the Chinese laundry. Yes, sir, hereafter + you will find me as good as I know how to be. Now I am going to wash up + and go and help the minister move.” + </p> + <p> + As the boy went out the grocery man sat for several minutes thinking of + the change that had come over the bad boy, and wondered what had brought + it about, and then he went to the door to watch him as he wended his way + across the street with his head down, as though in deep thought, and the + grocery man said to himself, “that boy is not as bad as some people think + he is,” and then he looked around and saw a sign hanging up in front of + the store, written on a piece of box cover, with blue pencil:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SPOILED + + CANNED HAM AND TONGUE, + + GOOD ENOUGH + + FOR CHURCH PICNICS. +</pre> + <p> + and he looked after the boy who was slipping down an alley and said, “The + condemn little whelp. Wait till I catch him.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER—THE BAD BOY TRIES TO LEAD A + DIFFERENT LIFE—MURDER IN THE AIR—THE OLD MAN AND HIS + FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES AWAY-DREADFUL STORIES OF THEIR + WICKED YOUTH—THE CHICKEN COOP INVADED—THE OLD MAN TO THE + RESCUE—THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED. +</pre> + <p> + “Say, I thought you was going to try to lead a different life,” said the + grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth came in with his pockets full of + angle worms, and wanted to borrow a baking powder can to put them into, + while he went fishing, and he held a long angle worm up by the tail and + let it wiggle so he frightened a girl that had come in after two cents + worth of yeast, so she dropped her pitcher and went out of the grocery as + though she was chased by an anaconda. + </p> + <p> + “I am going to lead a different life; but a boy can't change his whole + course of life in a minute, can he? Grown persons have to go on probation + for six months before they can lead a different life, and half the time + they lose their cud before the six months expire, and have to commence + again. When it is so alfired hard for a man that is endowed with sense to + break off being bad, you shouldn't expect too much from a boy But I am + doing as well as could be expected—I ain't half as bad as I was. + Gosh, why don't you burn a rag? That yeast that the girl spilled on the + floor smells like it was sick. I should think that bread that was raised + with that yeast would smell like this cooking, butter you sell to hired + girls. + </p> + <p> + “Well, never you mind the cooking butter. I know my business. If people + want to use poor butter when they have company, and then blow up the + grocer before folks, I can stand it if they can. But what is this I hear + about your Pa fighting a duel with the minister in your back yard, and + wounding him in the leg, and then trying to drown himself in the cistern? + One of your new neighbors was in here this morning, and told me there was + murder in the air at your house last night, and they were going to have + the police pull your place as a disorderly house. I think you were at the + bottom of the whole business!” + </p> + <p> + “O, its all a darn lie, and those neighbors will find they better keep + still about us, or we will lie about them a little. You see, since Pa got + that blacking on his face he don't go out any, and to make it pleasant for + him Ma invited in a few friends to spend the evening. Ma has got up + around, and the baby is a daisy, only it smells like a goat, on account of + drinking the goat's milk. Ma invited the minister, among the rest, and + after supper the men went up into Pa's library to talk. O, you think I am + bad don't you, but of the nine men at our house last night I am an angel + compared with what they were when they were boys. I got into the bath room + to untangle my fish line, and it is next to Pa's room, and I could hear + everything they said, but I went away 'cause I thought the conversation + would hurt my morals. They would all steal, when they were boys, but + darned if I ever stole. Pa has stolen over a hundred wagon loads of + water-melons, one deacon used to rob orchards, another one shot tame ducks + belonging to a farmer, and another tipped over grindstones in front of the + village store, at night, and broke them, and run, another used to steal + eggs, and go out in the woods and boil them, and the minister was the + worst of the lot, 'cause he took a seine, with some other boys, and went + to a stream where a neighbor was raising brook trout, and cleaned the + stream out, and to ward off suspicion, he went to the man the next day and + paid him a dollar to let him fish in the stream, and then kicked because + there were no trout, and the owner found the trout were stolen and laid it + to some Dutch boys. I wondered, when those men were telling their + experience, if they ever thought of it now when they were preaching and + praying, and taking up collections. I should think they wouldn't say a boy + was going to hell right off 'cause he was a little wild now days, when he + has such an example. Well, lately, somebody has been burgling our chicken + coop, and Pa loaded an old musket with rock salt, and said he would fill + the fellow full of salt if he caught him, and while they were talking up + stairs Ma heard a rooster squawk, and she went to the stairway and told Pa + there was somebody in the hen house. Pa jumped up and told the visitors to + follow him, and they would see a man running down the alley full of salt, + and he rushed out with the gun, and the crowd followed him. Pa is shorter + than the rest, and he passed under the first wire clothes line in the yard + all right, and was going for the hen house on a jump, when his neck caught + the second wire clothesline just as the minister and two of the deacons + caught their necks under the other wire. You know how a wire, hitting a + man on the throat, will set him back, head over appetite. Well, sir, I was + looking out of the back window, and I wouldn't be positive, but I think + they all turned double back summersaults, and struck on their ears. + Anyway, Pa did, and the gun must have been cocked, or it struck the hammer + on a stone, for it went off, and it was pointed towards the house, and + three of the visitors got salted. The minister was hit the worse, one + piece of salt taking him in the hind leg, and the other in the back, and + he yelled as though it was dynamite.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/110.jpg" alt="The Minister and Deacons Salted 110 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I suppose when you shoot a man with salt, it smarts, like when you get + corned beef brine on your chaped hands. They all yelled, and Pa seemed to + have been knocked silly, some way, for he pranced around and seemed to + think he he had killed them. He swore at the wire clothes line, and then I + missed Pa and heard a splash like when you throw a cat in the river, and + then I thought of the cistern, and I went down and we took Pa by the + collar and pulled him out. O, he was awful damp. No sir, it was no duel at + all, but a naxident, and I didn't have anything to do with it. The gun + wasn't loaded to kill, and the salt only went through the skin, but those + men <i>did</i> yell. May be it was my chum that stirred up the chickens, + but I don't know. He has not commenced to lead a different life yet, and + he might think it would make our folks sick if nothing occurred to make + them pay at-tion. I think where a family has been having a good deal of + exercise, the way ours has, it hurts them to break off too suddenly. But + the visitors went home, real quick, after we got Pa out of the cistern, + and the minister told Ma he always felt when he was in our house, as + though he was on the verge of a yawning crater, ready to be engulfed any + minute, and he guessed he wouldn't come any more. Pa changed his clothes + and told Ma to have them wire clothes lines changed for rope ones. I think + it is hard to suit Pa, don't you? + </p> + <p> + “O, your Pa is all right. What he needs is rest. But why are you not + working at the livery stable? You haven't been discharged, have you?” And + the grocery man laid a little lump of concentrated lye, that looked like + maple sugar, on a cake of sugar that had been broken, knowing the boy + would nibble it. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir, I was not discharged, but when a livery man lends me a kicking + horse to take my girl out riding, that settles it. I asked the boss if I + couldn't have a quiet horse that would drive himself if I wound the lines + around the whip, and he let me have one he said would go all day without + driving. You know how it is, when a fellow takes a girl out riding he + don't want his mind occupied holding lines. Well, I got my girl in, and we + went out on the Whitefish Bay, road, and it was just before dark, and we + rode along under the trees, and I wound the lines around the whip, and put + one arm around my girl, and patted her under the chin with my other hand, + and her mouth looked so good, and and her blue eyes looked up at me and + twinkled as much as to dare me to kiss her, and I was all of a tremble, + and then my hand wandered around by her ear and I drew her head up to me + and gave her a smack. Say, that was no kind of a horse to give to a young + fellow to take a girl out riding. Just as I smacked her I felt as though + the buggy had been struck with a pile driver, and when I looked at the + horse he was running away and kicking the buggy, and the lines were + dragging on the ground. I was scared, I tell you. I wanted to jump out but + my girl threw her arms around my neck and screamed, and said we would die + together, and just as we were going to die the buggy struck a fence and + the horse broke loose and went off, leaving us in the buggy, tumbled down + by the dash board, but we were not hurt. The old horse stopped and went to + chewing grass, and looked up at me as though he wanted to say 'philopene.' + I tried to catch him, but he wouldn't catch, and then we waited till dark + and walked home, and I told the livery man what I thought of such + treatment, and he said if I had attended to my driving, and not kissed the + girl, I would have been all right. He said I ought to have told him I + wanted a horse that wouldn't shy at kissing, but how did I know I was + going to get up courage to kiss her. A livery man ought to take it for + granted that when a young fellow goes out with a girl he is going to kiss + her, and give him a horse according. But I quit him at once. I won't work + for a man that hasn't got sense. Gosh! What kind of maple sugar is that? + Jerusalem, whew, give me some water. O, my, it is taking the skin off my + mouth.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man got him some water and seemed sorry that the boy had taken + the lump of concentrated lye by mistake, and when the boy went out the + grocery man pounded his hands on his knees and laughed, and presently he + went out in front of the store and found a sign + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + FRESH LETIS, + + BEEN PICKED MORE'N A WEEK, + + TUEFER'N TRIPE. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED—THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE—A + POOR FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY—PROVES HIMSELF A + GALLANT KNIGHT—THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S COURAGE— + THE GROCERY MAN MORALIZES—FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE— + THE TABLES TURNED—THE OLD MAN WEARS THE BOY'S OLD CLOTHES. +</pre> + <p> + “Ah, ha, you have got your deserts at last,” said the grocery man to the + bad boy, as he came in with one eye black, and his nose pealed on on one + side, and sat down on a board across the the coal scuttle, and began + whistling as unconcerned as possible. “What's the matter with your eye?” + </p> + <p> + “Boy tried to gouge it out without my consent,” and the bad boy took a + dried herring out of the box and began peeling it. “He is in bed now, and + his ma is poulticing him, and she says he will be out about the last of + next week. + </p> + <p> + “O, you are going to be a prize fighter, ain't you,” said the grocery man, + disgusted. “When a boy leaves a job where he is working, and goes to + loafing around, he becomes a fighter the first thing. What your Pa ought + to do is bind you out with a farmer, where you would have to work all the + time. I wish you would go away from here, because you look like one of + these fellows that comes up before the police judge Monday morning, and + gets thirty days in the house of correction. Why don't you go out and loaf + around a slaughter house, where you would look appropriate?” and the + grocery man took a hair-brush and brushed some sugar and tea, that was on + the counter, into the sugar barrel. + </p> + <p> + “Well, if you have got through with your sermon, I will toot a little on + my horn,” and the boy threw the remains of the herring over behind a + barrel of potatoes, and wiped his hands on a coffee sack. “If you had this + black eye, and got it the way I did, it would be a more priceless gem in + the crown of glory you hope to wear, than any gem you can get by putting + quarters in the collection plate, with the holes filled with lead, as you + did last Sunday, when I was watching you. O, didn't you look pious when + you picked that filled quarter out, and held your thumb over the place + where the lead was. The way of the black eye was this. I got a job tending + a soda water fountain, and last night, just before we closed, there was + two or three young loafers in the place, and a girl came in for a glass of + soda Five years ago she was one of the brightest scholars in the ward + school, when I was in the intermediate department. She was just as + handsome as a peach, and everybody liked her. At recess she used to take + my part when the boys knocked me around and she lived near us. She had a + heart as big as that cheese box, and I guess that's what's the matter. + Anyway, she left school, and then it was said she was going to get married + to a fellow who is now in the dude business, but he went back on her and + after awhile her ma turned her out doors, and for a year or two she was + jerking beer in a concert saloon, until the mayor stopped concerts. She + tried hard to get sewing to do, but they wouldn't have her, I guess 'cause + she cried so much when she was sewing, and the tears wet the cloth she was + sewing on. Once I asked Pa why Ma didn't give her some sewing to do, and + he said for me to dry up and never speak to her if I met her on the + street. It seemed tuff to pass her on the street, when she had tears in + her eyes as big as marbles, and not speak to her when I know her so well, + and she had been so kind to me at school just 'cause the dude wouldn't + marry her, but I wanted to obey Pa, so I used to walk around a block when + I see her coming, 'cause I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Well, last + night she came in the store, looking pretty shabby, and wanted a glass of + soda, and I gave it to her, and O, how her hand trembled when she raised + the glass to her lips, and how wet her eyes were, and how pale her face + was. I choked up so I couldn't speak when she handed me the nickel and + when she looked up at me and smiled just like she used to, and said I was + getting to be almost a man since we went to school at the old school + house, and put her handkerchief to her eyes, by gosh, my eyes got so full + I couldn't tell whether is was a nickel or a lozenger she gave me. Just + then one of those loafers began to laugh at her, and call her names, and + say the police ought to take her up for stray, and he made fun of her + until she cried some more, and I got hot and went around to where he was + and told him if he said another unkind word to that girl I would maul him. + He laughed and asked if she was my sister, and I told him that a poor + friendless girl, who was sick and in distress, and who was insulted, ought + to be every boy's sister, for a minute, and any boy who had a spark of + manhood should protect her, and then he laughed and said I ought to be one + of the Little Sisters of the Poor, and he took hold of her faded shawl and + pulled the weak girl against the showcase, and said something mean to her, + and she looked as though she wanted to die, and I mashed that boy one + right on the nose. Well, the air seemed to be full of me for a minute, + 'cause he was bigger than me, and he got me down and got his thumb in my + eye. I guess he was going to take my eye out, but I turned him over and + got on top and I mauled him until he begged, but I wouldn't let him up + till he asked the girl's pardon, and swore he would whip any boy that + insulted her, and then I let him up, and the girl thanked me; but I told + her I couldn't speak to her 'cause she was tuff, and Pa didn't wan't me to + speak to anybody who was tuff; but if anybody ever insulted her so she had + to cry, that I would whip him if I had to take a club. I told Pa about it, + and I thought he would be mad at me for taking the part of a girl that was + tuff, but, by gosh, Pa hugged me, and the tears came in his eyes, and he + said I had got good blood in me, and I did just right; and if I would show + him the father of the boy that I whipped, Pa said said he could whip the + old man, and Ma said for me to find the poor girl and send her up to the + house, and she would give her a job making pillow cases and night shirts. + Don't it seem darn queer to you that everybody goes back on a poor girl + 'cause she makes a mistake, and the blasted whelp that is to blame gets a + chromo. It makes me tired to think of it;” and the boy got up and shook + himself, and looked in the cracked mirror hanging upon a post, to see how + his eye was getting along. + </p> + <p> + “Say, young fellow, you are a thoroughbred,” said the grocery man, as he + sprinkled some water on the asparagus and lettuce, “and you can come in + here and get all the herring you want, and never mind the black eye. I + wish I had it myself. Yes, it does seem tough to see people never allow a + girl to reform. Now, in Bible times, the Savior forgave Mary or somebody, + I forget now what her name was, and she was a better girl than ever. What + we need is more of the spirit of Christ, and the world would be better.” + </p> + <p> + “What we want is about ten thousand Christs. We ought to have ten or + fifteen right here in Milwaukee, and they would find plenty of business, + too. But this climate seems to be too rough. Say, did I tell you about Pa + and Ma having trouble?” + </p> + <p> + “No, what's the row?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see Ma wants to economize all she can, and Pa has been getting + thinner since he quit drinking and reformed, and I have kept on growing + until I am bigger than he is. Funny, ain't it, that a boy should be bigger + than his Pa? Pa wanted a new suit of clothes, and Ma said she would fix + him, and so she took one of my old suits and made it over for Pa; and he + wore them a week before he knew it was on old suit made over, but one day + he found a handful of dried up angle worms in the pistol pocket that I had + forgot when I was fishing, and Pa laid the angle worms to Ma, and Ma had + to explain that she made over one of my old suits for Pa. He was mad and + took them off and threw them out the back window, and swore he would never + humiliate himself by wearing his son's old clothes. Ma tried to reason + with him, but he was awfully worked up, and said he was no old charity + hospital, and he stormed around to find his old suit of clothes, but Ma + had sold them to a plaster of Paris image peddlar, and Pa hadn't anything + to wear, and he wanted Ma to go out in the alley and pick up the suit he + threw out the window; but a rag man had picked them up and was going away, + and Pa, he grabbed a linen duster and put it on and went out after the rag + picker, and he run, and Pa after him; and the rag man told a policeman + there was an escaped lunatic from the asylum, and he was chasing people + all over the city, and the policeman took Pa by the linen ulster, and + pulled it off, and he was a sight when they took him to the police + station. Ma and me had to go down and bail him out, and the police lent us + a tarpaulin to put over Pa, and we got him home, and he is wearing his + summer pants while the tailor makes him a new suit of clothes. I think Pa + is too excitable, and too particular. I never kicked on wearing Pa's old + clothes, and I think he ought to wear mine now. Well, I must go down to + the sweetened wind factory, and jerk soda,” and the boy went out and hung + up a sign in front of the store: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + SPINAGE FOB GREENS, + + THAT THE CAT HAS MADE + + A NEST IN OVER SUNDAY. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES—THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT + THE Y. M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN—THE DELEGATES FLOOD + THEMSELVES WITH SODA—TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA—THE + NIGHT KEY—THE PALL OF THE FLOWER-STAND—DELEGATES IN THE + CELLAR ALL NIGHT—THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS WORKING HIS + REFORMATION. +</pre> + <p> + “Well, how's your eye?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he blew in + with the wind on the day of the cyclone, and left the door open. “Say, + shut that door. You want to blow everything out of the store? Had any more + fights, protecting girls from dudes?” + </p> + <p> + “No, everything is quiet so far. I guess since I have got a record as a + fighter, the boys will be careful who they insult when I am around. But I + have had the hardest week I ever experienced, jerking soda for the Young + Men's Christian Association,” said the boy, as he peeled a banana. + </p> + <p> + “What you mean, boy? Don't cast any reflections on such a noble + Association. They don't drink, do they?'' + </p> + <p> + “Drink! O, no! They don't drink anything intoxicating, but when it comes + to soda they flood themselves. You know there has been a National + Convention of delegates from all the Young Men's Christian Associations of + the whole country, about three hundred, here, and our store is right on + the street where they passed four times a day, and I never saw such + appetites for soda. There has been, one continual fizz in our store since + Wednesday. The boss wanted me to play it on some of them by putting some + brandy in with the perfumery a few times, but I wouldn't do it. I guess a + few weeks ago, before I had led a different life, I wouldn't had to be + asked twice to play the game on anybody. But a man can buy soda of me and + be perfectly safe. Of course, if a man winks, when I ask him what flavor + he wants, and says 'never mind,' I know enough to put in brandy. That is + different. But I wouldn't smuggle it into a man for nothing. This + Christian Association Convention has caused a coldness between Pa and Ma + though. + </p> + <p> + “How's that? Your Pa isn't jealous, is he?” and the grocery man came + around from behind the counter to get the latest gossip to retail to the + hired girls who traded with him. + </p> + <p> + “Jealous nothin',” said the boy> as he took a few raisins out of a box. + “You see, the delegates were shuffled out to all the church members to + take care of, and they dealt two to Ma, and she never told Pa anything + about it. They came to supper the first night, and Pa didn't get home, so + when they went to the Convention in the evening Ma gave them a night key, + and Pa came home from the boxing match about eleven o'clock, and Ma was + asleep. Just as Pa got most of his clothes off he heard somebody fumbling + at the front door, and he thought it was burglars. Pa has got nerve + enough, when he is on the inside of the house and the burglars are on the + outside. He opened a window and looked out and saw two suspicious looking + characters trying to pick the lock with a skeleton key, and he picked up a + new slop-jar that Ma had bought when we moved, cover and all, and dropped + it down right between the two del-gates. Gosh, if it had hit one of them + there would have been the solemnest funeral you ever saw. Just as it + struck they got the door opened and came in the hall, and the wind was + blowing pretty hard and they thought a cyclone had taken the cupola off + the house. They were talking about being miraculously saved, and trying to + strike a match on their wet pants, when Pa went to the head of the stairs + and pushed over a wire stand filled with potted plants, which struck + pretty near the delegates, and one of them said the house was coming down + sure, and they better go into the cellar, and they went down and got + behind the furnace. Pa called me up and wanted me to go down cellar and + tell the burglars we were onto them, and for them to get out, but I wasn't + very well, so Pa locked his door and went to bed. I guess it must have + been half an hour before Pa's cold feet woke Ma up, and then Pa told her + not to move for her life, cause there were two of the savagest looking + burglars that ever was, rumaging over the house. Ma smelled Pa's breath to + see if he had got to drinking again, and then she got up and hid her + oraide watch in her shoes, and her Onalaska diamond ear-rings in the + Bible, where she said no burglar would ever find them, and Pa and Ma laid + awake till daylight, and then Pa said he wasn't afraid, and he and Ma went + down cellar. Pa stood on the bottom stair and looked around, and one of + the delegates said, 'Mister, is the storm over, and is your family safe?' + and Ma recognized the voice and said, 'Why, its one of the delegates. What + are you doing down there?' and Pa said 'What's a delegate?' and then Ma + explained it, and Pa apologized, and the delegate said it was no matter, + as they had enjoyed themselves real well in the cellar. Ma was mortified + most to death, but the delegate told her it was all right. She was mad at + Pa, first, but when she saw the broken slop bowl on the front steps, and + the potted plants in the hall, she wanted to kill Pa, and I guess she + would only for the society of the delegates. She couldn't help telling Pa + he was a bald headed old fool but Pa didn't retaliate—he is too much + of a gentleman to talk back in company. All he said was that a woman who + is old enough to have delegates sawed off on to her ought to have sense + enough to tell her husband, and then they all drifted off into + conversation about the convention and the boxing match, and everything was + all right on the surface; but after breakfast, when the delegates went to + the convention, I noticed Pa went right down town and bought a new + slop-jar and some more plants. Pa and Ma didn't speak all the forenoon, + and I guess they wouldn't up to this time only Ma's bonnet came home from + the milliner's and she had to have some money to pay for it. Then she + called Pa 'pet,' and that settled it. When Ma calls Pa 'pet,' that is + twenty-five dollars. 'Dear, old darling,' means fifty dollars. But, say, + those christian young men do a heap of good, don't they. Their presence + seems to make people better. Some boys down by the store were going to tie + a can on a dog's tail, yesterday, and somebody said 'here comes the + Christian Association,' and those bad boys let the dog go. They tried to + find the dog after the crowd had got by, but the dog knew his business. + Well, I must go down and charge the soda fountain for a picnic that is + expected from the country.” + </p> + <p> + “Hold on a minute,” said the grocery man as he wound a piece of brown + paper around a cob and stuck it in a syrup jug he had just filled for a + customer, and then licked his fingers. “I want to ask you a question. What + has caused you to change so from being bad. You were about as bad as they + make 'em, up to a few weeks ago, and now you seem to have a soul, and get + in your work doing good about as well as any boy in town. What is it that + ails you?” + </p> + <p> + “O, sugar, I don't want to tell,” said the boy, as he blushed and wiggled + around on one foot, and looked silly; “but if you won't laugh, I will tell + you. It is my girl that has made me good. It may be only temporary. If she + goes back on me I may be tuff again; but if she continues to hold out + faithful I shall be a daisy all the time. Say, did you ever love a girl? + It would do you good, if you loved anybody regular old fashioned the way I + do, people could send little children here to trade, and you wouldn't palm + off any wilted vegetables on to them, or give them short weight—if + you was in love, and felt that the one you loved saw every act of yours, + and you could see her eyes every minute, you would throw away anything + that was spoiled, and not try to sell it, for fear you would offend her. I + don't think any man is fit to do business honestly unless he is in love, + or has been in love once. Now I couldn't do anything wrong if I tried, + because I should hear the still small voice of my girl saying to me + 'Hennery, let up on that.' I slipped up on a banana peel, yesterday, and + hurt myself, and I was just going to say something offul, and I could see + my girl's bangs raise right up, and there was a pained look in her face, + and a tear in her eye, and, by gosh, I just smiled and looked tickled till + her hair went down and the smile came back again to her lips, though it + hurt me like blazes where I struck the sidewalk. Iwas telling Pa about it, + and asked him if he ever felt as though his soul was going right out + towards somebody, and he said he did once on a steamboat excursion; but he + eat a lemon and got over it. Pa thinks it is my liver, and wants me to + take pills, but I tell you, boss, it has struck in me too deep for pills, + unless it is one that weighs about a hundred and forty pounds, and wears a + hat with a feather on. Say, if my girl should walk right into a burning + lake of red-hot lava, and beckon me to follow, I would take a hop, skip + and jump, and—” + </p> + <p> + “O give us a rest,” said the grocery man, a he took a basin of water and + sprinkled the floor preparatory to sweeping out. “You have got the worst + case I ever saw, and you better go out and walk around a block,” and the + boy went out, and forgot to hang out any sign. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA—ENTERS THE + DRAMATIC PROFESSION—“WHAT'S A SUPER”—THE PRIVILEGES OP A + SUPE'S FATHER—BEHIND THE SCENES—THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED + WITH MC'CULLOUGH—“I WAS THE POPULACE”—PLAYS IT ON HIS + SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER—“I PRITHEE, AU RESERVOIR, I GO + HENS!” + </pre> + <p> + “You look pretty sleepy,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came + in the store yawning, and stretched himself out on the counter with his + head on a piece of brown wrapping paper, in reach of a box of raisins, + “what's the matter? Been sitting up with your girl all night?” + </p> + <p> + “Naw! I wish I had. Wakefullness with my girl is sweeter and more restful + than sleep. No, this is the result of being a dutiful son, and I am tired. + You see Pa and Ma have separated. That is, not for keeps, but Pa has got + frightened about burglars, and he gets up into the attic to sleep. He says + it is to get fresh air, but he knows better. Ma has got so accustomed to + Pa's snoring that she can't go to sleep without it, and the first night Pa + left she didn't sleep a wink, and yesterday I was playing on an old + accordeon that I traded a dog collar for after our dog was poisoned, and + when I touched the low notes I noticed Ma dozed oft to sleep, it sounded + so much like Pa's snore, and last night Ma made me set up and play for her + to sleep. She rested splendid, but I am all broke up, and I sold the + accordeon this morning to the watchman who watches our block, It is queer + what a different effect music will have on different people. While Ma was + sleeping the sleep of innocence under the influence of my counterfeit of + Pa's snore, the night watchman was broke of his rest by it, and he bought + it of me to give it to the son of an enemy of his. Well, I have quit + jerking soda. + </p> + <p> + “No you don't tell me,” said the grocery man as he moved the box of + raisins out of reach. “You never will amount to anything unless you stick + to one trade or profession. A rolling hen never catches the early + angleworm.” + </p> + <p> + “O, but I am all right now. In the soda water business, there is no chance + for genius to rise unless the soda fountain explodes. It is all wind, and + one gets tired of the constant fizz. He feels that he is a fraud, and when + he puts a little syrup in a tumbler, and fires a little sweetened wind and + water in it until the soap suds fills the tumbler, and charges ten cents + for that which only costs a cent, a sensitive soda jerker, who has + reformed, feels that it is worse than three card monte. I couldn't stand + the wear on my conscience, so I have got a permanent job as a super, and + shall open the 1st of September. + </p> + <p> + “Say, what's a super? It isn't one of these free lunch places, that the + mayor closes at midnight, is it?” and the grocery man looked sorry. + </p> + <p> + “O, thunder, you want salt on you. A super is an adjunct to the stage. A + supe is a fellow that assists the stars and things, carrying chairs and + taking up carpets, and sweeping the sand off the stage after a dancer has + danced a jig, and he brings beer for the actors, and helps lace up + corsets, and anything he can do to add to the effect of the play. + Privately, now, I have been acting as a supe for a long time, on the sly, + and my folks didn't know anything about it, but since I reformed and + decided to be good, I felt it my duty to tell Ma and Pa about it. The news + broke Ma all up, at first, but Pa said some of the best actors in this + country were supes once, and some of them were now, and he thought suping + would be the making of me. Ma thought going on the stage would be my + ruination. She said the theater was the hotbed of sin, and brought more + ruin than the church could head off. But when I told her that they always + gave a supe two or three extra tickets for his family, she said the + theatre had some redeeming features, and when I said my entrance upon the + stage would give me a splendid opportunity to get the recipe for face + powder from the actresses, for Ma, and I could find out how the actresses + managed to get number four feet into number one shoes, Ma said she wished + I would commence suping right off. Ma says there are some things about the + theater that are not so alfired bad, and she wants me to get seats for the + first comic opera that comes along. Pa wants it understood with the + manager that a supe's father has a right to go behind the scenes to see + that no harm befalls him, but I know what Pa wants. He may seem pious, and + all that, but he likes to look at ballet girls better than any meek and + lowly follower I ever see, and some day you will hear music in the air. Pa + thinks theaters are very bad, when he has to pay a dollar for a reserved + seat, but when he can get in for nothing as a relative of one of the + 'perfesh', the theater has many redeeming qualities. Pa and Ma think I am + going into the business fresh and green, but I know all about it. When I + played with McCullough here once— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, what are you giving us,” said the grocery man in disgust, “when you + played with McCullough! What did you do!” + </p> + <p> + “What did I do? Why, you old seed cucumber, the whole play centered around + me. Do you remember the scene in the Roman forum, where McCullough + addressed the populace of Rome? I was the populace. Don't you remember a + small feller standing in front of the Roman orator taking it in; with a + night shirt on, with bare legs and arms? That was me, and everything + depended on me. Suppose I had gone off the stage at the critical moment, + or laughed when I should have looked fierce at the inspired words of the + Roman senator, it would have been a dead give away on McCollough. As the + populace of Rome I consider myself a glittering success, and Mc took me by + the hand when they carried Cæsar's dead body out, and he said, 'us three + did ourselves proud.' Such praise from McCollough is seldom accorded to a + supe. But I don't consider the populace of the imperial city of Rome my + master piece. Where I excel is in coming out before the curtain between + the acts, and unhooking the carpet. Some supes go out and turn their backs + to the audience, showing patches on their pants, and rip up the carpet + with no style about them, and the dust flies, and the boys yell 'supe,' + and the supe gets nervous and forgets his cue, and goes off tumbling over + the carpet, and the orchestra leader is afraid the supe will fall on him. + But I go out with a quiet dignity that is only gained by experience, and I + take hold of the carpet the way Hamlet takes up the skull of Yorick, and + the audience is paralized. I kneel down on the carpet, to unhook it, in a + devotional sort of a way that makes the audience bow their heads as though + they were in church, and before they realize that I am only a supe I have + the carpet unhooked and march out the way a 'Piscopal minister does when + he goes out between the acts at church to change his shirt. They never + 'guy' me, cause I act well my part. But I kick on holding dogs for + actresses. Some supes think they are made if they can hold a dog, but I + have an ambition that a pug dog will not fill. I held Mary Anderson's cud + of gum once, while she went on the stage, and when she came off and took + her gum her fingers touched mine and I had to run my fingers in my hair to + warm them, like a fellow does when he has been snow-balling. Gosh, but she + would freeze ice cream without salt. I shall be glad when the theatrical + season opens, 'cause we actors get tired laying off. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'd like to go behind the scenes with you some night,” said the + grocery man, offering the bad boy an orange to get solid with him, in view + of future complimentary tickets. “No danger, is there?” + </p> + <p> + “No danger if you keep off the grass. But you'd a dide to see my Sunday + School teacher one Saturday night last summer. He keeps books in a store, + and is pretty soon week days, but he can tell you more about Daniel in the + lion's den on Sunday than anybody. He knew I was solid at the theater, and + wanted me to get him behind the scenes one night, and another supe wanted + to go to the sparring match, and I thought it wouldn't be any harm to work + my teacher in, so I got him a job that night to hold the dogs for the + Uncle Tom's show. He was in one of the wings holding the chains, and the + dogs were just anxious to go on, and it was all my teacher could do to + hold them. I told him to wind the chains around his wrists, and he did so, + and just then Eliza began to skip across the ice, and we sicked the blood + hounds on before my teacher could unwind the chains from his wrists, and + the dogs pulled him right out on the stage, on his stomach, and drawed him + across, and he jerked one dog and kicked him in the stomach, and the dog + turned on my teacher and took a mouthful of his coat tail and shook it, + and I guess the dog got some meat, anyway the teacher climbed up a step + ladder, and the dogs treed him, and the step ladder fell down, and we + grabbed the dogs and put some court plaster on the teacher's nose, where + the fire extinguisher peeled it, and he said he would go home, cause the + theater was demoralizing in its tendencies.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/140.jpg" + alt="The Sunday School Teachers First Appearance on Stage 140 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “I spose it was not right, but when the teacher stood up to hear our + Sunday School lesson the next day, cause he was tired where the dog bit + him, I said 'sick-em,' in a whisper, when his back was turned, and he + jumped clear over to the Bible class, and put his hands around to his coat + tail as though he thought the Uncle Tom's Cabin party were giving a + matinee in the church. The Sunday school lesson was about the dog's + licking the sores of Lazarus, and the teacher said we must not confound + the good dogs of Bible time with the savage beasts of the present day, + that would shake the daylights out of Lazarus and make him climb the + cedars of Lebanon quicker than you could say Jack Robinson, and go off + chewing the cud of bitter reflection on Lazarus' coat tail. I don't think + a Sunday school teacher ought to bring up personal reminiscences before a + class of children, do you? Well, some time next fall you put on a clean + shirt and a pair of sheet iron pants, with stove legs on the inside, and I + will take you behind the scenes to see some good moral show. In the + meantime, if you have occasion to talk with Pa, tell him that Booth, and + Barrett, and Keene commenced on the stage as supes, and Salvini roasted + peanuts in the lobby of some theater. I want our folks to feel that I am + taking the right course to become a star. I prythee <i>au reservoir</i>. I + go hens! but to return. Avaunt!” And the bad boy walked out on his toes <i>a + la</i> Booth. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT—UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD BOY TO + BACKSLIDE—UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS—THEIR + RECORD IS AWFUL—KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE—THE + BED SLATS FIXED—THE OLD MAN TANGLED UP—THIS WORLD IS NOT + RUN RIGHT—UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM TIRED. +</pre> + <p> + “I hear your Uncle Ezra is here on a visit,” said the grocery man to the + bad boy. “I suppose you have been having a high old time. There is nothing + that does a boy more good than to have a nice visit with a good uncle, and + hear him tell about old times when he and the boy's father were boys + together.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don't know about it,” said the boy, as he took a stick of + maccaroni, and began to blow paper wads through it at a wood sawyer, who + was filing a saw outside the door. “When a boy who has been tough has got + his pins all set to reform, I don't think it does him any good to have a + real nice Uncle come to the house visiting. Anyway, that's my experience. + I have backslid the worst way, and it is going to take me a month after + Uncle Ezra goes away to climb up to the grace that I have fallen from. It + is darn discouraging,” said the boy as he looked up to the ceiling in an + innocent sort of a way, and hid the macarroni under his coat when the wood + sawyer, who had been hit in the neck, dropped his saw and got up mad. + </p> + <p> + “What's the trouble? Your uncle has the reputation where he lives, of + being one of the pillars of society. But you can't tell about these + fellows when they get away from home. Does he drink?” + </p> + <p> + “'No, he don't drink; but as near as I can figure it, he and Pa were about + the worst pills in the box, when they were young. I don't wan't you to + repeat it, but when Pa and Ma were married they eloped. Yes, sir—actually + ran away, and defied their parents—and they had to hide about a + week, for fear Ma's father would fill Pa so full of cold lead that he + would sink if he fell in the water. Pa has been kicked over the fence, and + chased down alleys dozens of times by Ma's grandfather, when he was + sparking Ma; and Ma was a terror too, 'cause her mother couldn't do + anything with her, though she is awful precise now, and wants everybody to + be too good. Why, Ma's mother used to warm her ears, and shake the + daylights out of her, but it didn't do any good. She was mashed on Pa, and + there was no cure for her except to have Pa prescribed for her as a + husband, and they ran away. Uncle Ezra told me all about it. Ma hain't got + any patience with girls now days that have minds of their own about + fellows, and she thinks their parents ought to have all the say. Well, + maybe she thinks she knows all about it. But when people get in love it is + the same now as when Pa and Ma were trying to keep out of the reach of my + grandfather's shot gun. But Pa and Uncle Ezra and Ma are good friends, and + they talk over old times and have a big laugh. I guess Uncle Ezra was too + much for Pa in joking when they were boys, 'cause Pa told me that all + rules against joking were suspended while Uncle Ezra was here, and for me + to play any thing on him I could. I told Pa I was trying to lead a + different life, but he said what I wanted to do was to make Uncle Ezra + think of old times, and the only way was to keep him on the ragged edge. I + thought if there was anything I could do to make it pleasant for my Uncle, + it was my duty to do it, so I fixed the bed slats on the spare bed so they + would fall down at 2 A. M. the first night, and then I retired. At two + o'clock I heard the awfulest noise in the spare room, and a howling and + screaming, and I went down to meet Uncle Ezra in the hall, and he asked me + what was the matter in there, and I asked him if he didn't sleep in the + spare room, and he said no, that Pa and Ma was in there, and he slept in + their room. Then we went in the spare room and you'd a dide to see Pa.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/146.jpg" alt="Pa Was All Tied up 146 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “Ma had jumped out when the slats first fell, and was putting her hair up + in curl papers when we got in, but Pa was all tangled up in the springs + and things. His head had gone down first, and the mattrass and quilts + rolled over him, and he was almost smothered, and we had to take the + bedsted down to get him out, the way you have to unharness a horse when he + runs away and falls down, before you can get him up. Pa was mad, but Uncle + Ezra laughed at him, and told him he was only foundered, and all he wanted + was a bran mash and some horse liniment and he would come out all right. + Uncle Ezra went out in to the hall to get a pail of water to throw on Pa, + 'cause he said Pa was afire, when Pa asks me why in blazes I didn't fix + the other bed slats, and I told him I didn't know as they were going to + change beds, and then Pa said don't let it occur again. Pa lays everything + to me. He is the most changeable man I ever saw. He told me to do + everything Uncle Ezra wanted me to do, and then, when I helped Uncle Ezra + to play a joke on Pa, he was mad. Say, I don't think this world is run + right, do you? I haven't got much time to talk to you to-day, cause Uncle + Ezra and me are going fishing but don't it strike you that it is queer + that parents trounce boys for doing just what they did themselves. Now, I + have got a friend whose father is a lawyer. That lawyer would warm his boy + if he should tell a lie, or associate with anybody that was bad, and yet + the lawyer will defend a man he knows is guilty of stealing, and get him + clear and take the money he got from the thief, who stole it, to buy the + same boy a new coat to wear to church, and he will defend a man who + committed murder, and make an argument to the jury that will bring tears + to their eyes, and they will clear the murderer. Queer, ain't it? And say, + how is it that we send missionaries to Burmah, to convert them from + heathenism, and the same vessel that takes the missionaries there carries + from Boston a cargo of tin gods to sell to the heathen? Why wouldn't it be + better to send the missionaries to Boston? I think the more a boy learns + the more he gets mixed.” “Well, how's your theater? Have any of the great + actors supported you lately?” said the grocery man, to change the subject. + </p> + <p> + “No, we are all off on vacations. Booth and Barrett, and lots of the + stars, are gone to Europe, and the rest work down to less high-toned + places. Some of the theater girls are waiters at summer resorts, and lots + are visiting relatives on farms. I tell you, it makes a difference whether + the relatives are visiting you or you are visiting them. Actors and + actresses feels awfully when an old granger comes to the town where they + are playing, and wants to see them. They are ashamed of his homespun + clothes, and cowhide boots, and they want to meet him in an alley + somewhere, or in the basement of the theater, so the other actors will not + laugh at their rough relatives, but when the season is over, an actor who + can remember a relative out on a farm, is tickled to death, and the + granger is all right enough there, and the actor does not think of the + rough, nutmeg grater hands, and the blistered nose, as long as the granger + relative will put up fried pork and things, and 'support' the actor. My + Uncle Ezra is pretty rough and it makes me tired sometimes when I am down + town with him to have him go into a store where there are girl clerks and + ask what things are for, that I know he don't want, and make the girls + blush, but he is a good hearted old man, and he and me are going to make a + mint of money during vacation. He lives near a summer resort hotel, and + has a stream that is full of minnows, and we are going to catch minnows + and sell them to the dudes for fish bait. He says some of the fools will + pay ten cents apiece for minnows, so if we sell a million minnows, we make + a fortune. I am coming back in September and will buy out your grocery. + Say, let me have a pound of raisins, and I'll pay you when I sell my + uncle's minnows.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK—THE GARDEN + OF EDEN—THE ANCIENT DUDE—ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT ON—“I'M A + THINKER PROM THINKERSVILLE”—THE APOSTLES IN A PATROL WAGON— + ELIJAH AND ELISHA—THE PRODIGAL SON—A VEAL POT PIE FOR + DINNER. +</pre> + <p> + “What you sitting there for half an hour for, staring at vacancy?” said + the grocery man to the bad boy, as he sat on a stool by the stove one of + these foggy mornings, when everybody feels like quarreling, with his + fingers clasped around his knee, looking as though he did not know enough + to last him to bed. “What you thinking about anyway?” + </p> + <p> + “I was wondering where you would have been today if Noah had run his ark + into such a fog as this, and there had been no fog-horn on Mount Ararat, + and he had passed by with his excursion and not made a landing, and had + floated around on the freshet until all the animals starved, and the ark + had struck a snag and burst a hole in their bottom. I tell you, we can all + congratulate ourselves that Noah happened to blunder on that high ground. + If that ark had been lost, either by being foundered, or being blowed up + by Fenians because Noah was an Englishman, it would have been cold work + trying to populate this world. In that case another Adam and Eve would + have to be made out of dirt and water, and they might have gone wrong + again and failed to raise a family, and where would we have been? I tell + you, when I think of the narrow escapes we have had, it is a wonder to me + that we have got along as well as we have.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, when did you get out of the asylum?” said the grocery man, who had + been standing back with his mouth open looking at the boy as though he was + crazy. “What you want is to have your head soaked. You are getting so you + reach out too far with that small mind of yours. In about another year you + will want to run this world yourself. I don't think you are reforming very + much. It is wicked for a boy your size to argue about such things. Your + folks better send you to college.” + </p> + <p> + “What do I want to go to college for, and be a heartless hazer, and a poor + base ball player. I can be bad enough at home. The more I read, the more I + think. I don't believe I can ever be good enough to go to heaven, anyway, + and I guess I will go into the newspaper business, where they don't have + to be good, and where they have passes everywhere. Do you know, I think + when I was built they left out a cog wheel or something in my head. I + can't think like some boys. I get to thinking about Adam and Eve in the + Garden of Eden, and of the Dude with the cloven hoof that flirted with + Eve, and treated her and Adam to the dried apples, and I can't think of + them as some boys do, with a fig leaf polonaise, and fig leaf vests. I + imagine them dressed up in the latest style. I know it is wrong, but that + it what a poor boy has to suffer who has an imagination, and where did I + get the imagination? This confounded imagination of mine shows me Adam + with a plug hat on, just like our minister wears, and a stand up collar, + and tight pants, and peaked-toed shoes, and Eve is pictured to me with a + crushed-angleworm colored dress, and brown striped stockings, and + newspapers in her dress to make it stick out, and a hat with dandelions + on, and a red parasol, and a lace handkerchief, which she puts to her lips + and winks with her left eye to the masher who is standing by the corner of + the house, in an attitude, while the tail with the dart on the end is + wound around the rain water barrel, so Eve won't see it and get scared. + Say, don't you think it is better for a boy to think of our first parents + with clothes on, than to think of them almost naked, exposed to the + inclemency of the weather, with nothing but fig leaves pinned on? I want + to do right, as near as I can, but I had rather think of them dressed like + our folks are to-day, than to think of them in a cyclone with leaves for + wearing apparel. Say, it is wrong to fight, but don't you think if Adam + had put on a pair of boxing gloves, when he found the devil was getting + too fresh about the place, and knocked him out in a couple of rounds, and + pasted him in the nose, and fired him out of the summer garden, that it + would have been a big thing for this world. Now, honest?” + </p> + <p> + “Lookahere,” said the grocery man, who had been looking at the boy in + dismay, “You better go right home, and let your Ma fix up some warm drink + for you, and put you to bed. You are all wrong in the head, and if you are + not attended to you will have brain fever. I tell you, boy, you are in + danger. Come I will go home with you.” + </p> + <p> + “O, danger, nothin'. I am just telling how things look to a boy who has + not got the facilities for being too good in his youth. Some boys can take + things as they read them, and not think any for themselves, but I am a + Thinker from Thinkerville, and my imagination plays the dickens with me. + There is nothing I read about old times but what I compare it with the + same line of business at the present day. Now, when I think of the + fishermen of Galilee, drawing their seines, I wonder what they would have + done if there had been a law against hauling seines, as there is in + Wisconsin to-day, and I can see a constable with a warrant for the arrest + of the Galilee fishermen, snatching the old apostles and taking them to + the police station in a patrol wagon. I know it is wrong to think like + that, but how can I help it? Say, suppose those fishermen had been out + hauling their seines, and our minister should come along with his good + clothes on, his jointed rod, his nickle-plated reel, and his silk fish + line, and his patent fish hook, and put a frog on the hook and cast his + line near the Galilee fish-man and go to trolling for bass? What do you + suppose the lone fisherman of the Bible times would have thought about the + gall of the jointed rod fisherman? Do you suppose they would have thrown + stones in the water where he was trolling, or would they have told him + there was good trolling around a point about half a mile up the shore, + where they knew he wouldn't get a bite in a week, the way a fellow of + Muskego lake lied to our minister a spell ago? I tell you, boss, it is a + sad thing for a boy to have an imagination,” and the boy put his other + knee in the sling made by the clenched fingers of both hands, and waited + for the grocery man to argue with him. + </p> + <p> + “I wish you would go away from here. I am afraid of you,” said the grocery + man. “I would give anything if you Pa or the minister would come in and + have a talk with you. Your mind is wandering,” and the grocery man went to + the door and looked up and down street to see if somebody wouldn't come in + and watch the crazy boy, while he went to breakfast. + </p> + <p> + “O, Pa and the minister can't make a first payment on me. Pa gets mad when + I ask questions, and the minister thinks I am past redemption. Pa said + yesterday that baldness was caused, in every case, by men's wearing plug + hats, and when I asked him where the good Elisha, (whom the boys called + 'go up old bald head,' and the bears had a free lunch on them,) got his + plug hat, Pa said school was dismissed and I could go. When the minister + was telling me about the good Elijah going up through the clouds in a + chariot of fire, and I asked the minister what he thought Elijah would + have thought if he had met our Sunday school superintendent coming down + through the clouds on a bicycle, he put his hand on my head and said my + liver was all wrong. Now, I will leave it to you if there was anything + wrong about that. Say, do you know what I think is the most beautiful + thing in the Bible?” + </p> + <p> + “No I don't,” said the grocery man, “and if you wan't to tell it I will + listen just five minutes, and then I am going to shut up the store and go + to breakfast. You make me tired.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I think the finest thing is that story about the prodigal son, + where the boy took all the money he could scrape up and went out West to + paint the towns red. He spent his money in riotous living, and saw + everything that was going on, and got full of benzine, and struck all the + gangs of toughs, both male and female, and his stomach went back on him, + and he had malaria, and finally he got to be a cow-boy, herding hogs, and + had to eat husks that the hogs didn't want, and got pretty low down. Then + he thought it was a pretty good scheme to be getting around home, where + they had three meals a day, and spring mattresses; and he started home, + beating his way on the trains, and he didn't know whether the old man + would receive him with open arms or pointed boots; but the old man came + down to the depot to meet him, and right there before the passengers, and + the conductor and brakemen, he wasn't ashamed of his boy, though he was + ragged, and looked as though he had been on the war path; and the old man + fell on his neck and wept, and took him home in a hack, and had veal pot + pie for dinner. That's what I call sense. A good many men now days would + have put the police on the tramp and had him ordered out of town. What, + you going to close up the store? Well, I will see you later. I want to + talk with you about something that is weighing on my mind,” and the boy + got out just in time to save his coat tail from being caught in the door, + and when the grocery man came back from breakfast he found a sign in + front:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THIS STORE IS CLOSED + TILL FURTHER NOTICE. + + SHERIFF. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE DEPARTED ROOSTER—THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON DEATH— + THE DEAD ROOSTER—A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH—THE TENDERNESS + BETWEEN THE ROOSTER AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN—THE HEN RETIRES TO + SET—THE CHICKENS!—THE PROUD ROOSTER DIES—THE FICKLE HEN + FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE. +</pre> + <p> + “Why don't you take an ice pick and clean the dirt out from under your + finger nails?” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the + store and stroked the cat the wrong way as she lay in the sun on the + counter, on a quire of manilla paper. + </p> + <p> + “Can't remove the dirt for thirty days—it is an emblem of mourning. + Had a funeral at our house, yesterday;” and the boy took a pickle out of a + tub and put it in the cat's mouth, and shut her teeth together on it, and + then went to the show case, while the grocery man whose back had been + turned during the pickle exercise, thought by the way the cat jumped into + the dried apple barrel, and began to paw and scratch with all four of her + feet, and yowl, that she was going to have a fit. + </p> + <p> + “I hadn't heard about it,” said the grocery man, as he took the cat by the + neck and tossed her out in the back shed into an old oyster box full of + sawdust, with a parting injunction that if she was going to have fits she + better go out where there was plenty of fresh air. “Death is always a sad + thing to contemplate. One day we are full of health, and joy, and cold + victuals, and the next we are screwed down in a box, a few words are said + over our remains, a few tears are shed, and there is a race to see who + shall get back from the cemetery first; and though we may think we are an + important factor in the world's progress, and sometimes feel as though it + would be unable to put up margins and have to stop the deal, the world + goes right along, and it must annoy people who die to realize that they + don't count for game. The greatest man in the world is only a nine spot + when he is dead, because somebody else takes the tricks the dead man ought + to have taken. But, say, who is dead at your house?” + </p> + <p> + “Our rooster! Take care, don't you hit me with that canvassed ham!” said + the boy as the grocery man looked mad to learn that there was nobody dead + but a rooster, when he had preached such a sermon on the subject. “Yes, + how soon we are forgotten when we are gone. Now, you would have thought + that rooster's hen would have remained faithful to him for a week at + least. I have watched them all the spring, and I never saw a more perfect + picture of devotion than that between the bantam rooster and his hen. They + were constantly together, and there was nothing too good for her. He would + dig up angle worms and call her, and when she came up on a gallop and saw + the great big worm on the ground, she would look so proud of her rooster, + and he would straighten up and look as though he was saying to her, 'I'm a + daisy,' and then she would look at him as if she would like to bite him, + and just as she was going to pick up the worm he would snatch it and + swallow it himself, and chuckle and walk around and be full of business, + as though wondering why she didn't take the worm after he had dug it for + her, and then the hen would look disappointed at first and then she would + look resigned, as much as to say, 'Worms are too rich for my blood anyway, + and the poor dear rooster needs them more than I do, because he has to do + all the crowing,' and she would go off and find a grasshopper and eat it + on the sly for fear he would see her and complain because she didn't + divide. O, I have never seen anything that seemed to me so human as the + relations between that rooster and hen. He seemed to try to do everything + for her. He would make her stop cackling when she laid an egg, and he + would try to cackle, and crow over it as though he had laid it, and she + would get off in a corner and cluck in a modest, retiring manner, as + though she wished to convey the idea to the servant girls in the kitchen + that the rooster had to do all the hard work, and she was only a useless + appendage, fit only for society and company for him. But I was disgusted + with him when the poor hen was setting. The first week that she sat on the + eggs he seemed to get along first rate, because he had a couple of flower + beds to dig up, which a press of business had caused him to neglect + before, and a couple of neighbors' gardens to destroy, so he seemed to be + glad to have his hen retire to her boudoir and set, but after he had been + shooed out of the gardens and flower beds he seemed to be nervous, and + evidently wanted to be petted, and he would go near the hen and she would + seem to tell him to go and take a walk around the block, because she + hadn't time to leave her business, and if she didn't attend to it they + would have a lot of spoiled eggs on their hand, and no family to bring up. + He would scold, and seem to tell her that it was all foolishness, that for + his part he didn't want to hear a lot of chickens squawking around. He + would seem to argue with her that a brood of chickens would be a dead + give-away on them both, and they would be at once classed as old folks, + while if they were alone in the world they would be spring chickens, and + could go in young society, but the hen would scold back, and tell him he + ought to be ashamed of himself to talk that way, and he would go off mad, + and sulk around a spell, and then go to a neighbor's hen-house and + sometimes he wouldn't come back till the next day. The hen would be sorry + she had spoken so cross, and would seem pained at his going away and would + look anxiously for his return, and when he came back after being out in + the rain all night, she would be solicitious after his health, and tell + him he ought to wrap something around him, but he acted as though he + didn't care for his health, and he would go out again and get chilled + through. Finally the hen come off the nest with ten chickens, and the + rooster seemed very proud, and when anybody came out to have a look at + them he would crow, and seemed to say they were all his chickens, though + the hen was a long time hatching them, and if it had been him that was + setting on them he could have hatched them out in a week, or died a + trying. But the exposure told on him, and he went into a decline, and one + morning we found him dead. Do you know, I never see a hen that seemed to + realize a calamity as she did. She looked pale, and her eyes looked red, + and she seemed to be utterly crushed. If the chickens, which were so young + they could not realize that they were little orphans, became noisy, and + got to pulling and hauling over a worm, and conducted themselves in an + unseemly manner, she would talk to them in hen language, with tears in her + eyes, and it was a picture of woe. But the next day a neighboring rooster + got to looking through the fence from the alley, and trying to flirt with + her. At first she was indignant, and seemed to tell him he ought to go + about his business, and leave her alone, but the dude kept clucking, and + pretty soon the widowed hen edged up towards the fence, and asked him to + come in, but the hole in the fence was too small for him, and then the + chickens went out in the alley, and the hen followed them out. I shall + always think she told the chickens to go out, so she would have an excuse + to go after them, and flirt with the rooster, and I think it is a perfect + shame. She is out in the alley half the time, and I could cuff her. It + seems to me wrong to so soon forget a deceased rooster, but I suppose a + hen can't be any more than human. Say, you don't want to buy a good dead + rooster do you? You could pick it and sell it to somebody that owes you, + for a spring chicken.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I don't want any deceased poultry, that died of grief, and you better + go home and watch your hen, or you will be bereaved some more,” and the + grocery man went out in the shed to see if the cat was over its fit, and + when he came back the boy was gone, and after a while the grocery man saw + a crowd in front of the store and he went out and found the dead rooster + lying on the vegetable stand, with a paper pinned on its breast on which + was a sign:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THIS RUSTER DIDE OF COLIX. + + FOR SALE CHEAP TO BOARDING HOUSE ONLY. +</pre> + <p> + He took the dead rooster and threw it out in the street, and looked up and + down the street for the bad boy, and went in and hid a raw hide where he + could reach it handy. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN. UNCLE EZRA RETURNS—THE BASKET + ON THE STEPS—THE ANONYMOUS LETTER—“O BROTHER THAT I SHOULD + LIVE TO SEE THIS DAY!”—AN UGLY DUTCH BABY—THE OLD MAN + WHEELS THE BABY NOW—A FROG IN THE OLD MAN'S BED. +</pre> + <p> + “I see your Pa wheeling the baby around a good deal lately,” said the + grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in the store one evening to buy a + stick of striped pepperment candy for the baby, while his Pa stopped the + baby wagon out on the sidewalk and waited for the boy, with an expression + of resignation on his face. + </p> + <p> + “What's got into your Pa to be nurse girl this hot weather?” + </p> + <p> + “O, we have had a circus at our house,” said the boy, as he came in after + putting the candy in the baby's hand. “You see, Uncle Ezra came back from + Chicago, where he had been to sell some cheese, and he stopped over a + couple of days with us, and he said we must play one more joke on Pa + before he went home. We played it, and it is a wonder I am alive, because + I never saw Pa so mad in all my life. Now this is the last time I go into + any joke on shares. If I play any more jokes I don't want any old Uncle to + give me away.” + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” said the grocery man, as he took a stool and sat out by the + front door beside the boy who was trying to eat a box of red raspberries + on the sly. + </p> + <p> + “Well Uncle Ezra and me bribed the nurse girl to dress the baby up one + evening in some old, dirty baby clothes, belonging to our wash woman's + baby, and we put it in a basket and placed the basket on the front door + step, and put a note in the basket and addressed it to Pa. We had the + nurse girl stay out in front, by the basement stairs, so the baby couldn't + get away and she rung the bell and got behind something. Ma and Pa, and + Uncle Ezra and me were in the back parlor when the bell rung, and Ma told + me to go to the door, and I brought in the basket, and set it down, and + told Pa there was a note in it for him. Ma, she came up and looked at the + note as Pa tore it open, and Uncle Ezra looked in the basket and sighed. + Pa read part of the note and stopped and turned pale, and sat down then Ma + read some of it, and she didn't feel very well, and she leaned against the + piano and grated her teeth. The note was in a girl's hand writing, and was + like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Old Bald Headed Pet:— + + “You will have to take care of your child, because I cannot. + Bring it up tenderly, and don't, for heaven's sake, send it + to the Foundling Asylum. I shall go drown myself. + + “Your loving, + + “Almira.” + </pre> + <p> + “What did your Ma say?” said the grocery man, becoming interested. + </p> + <p> + “O, Ma played her part well. Uncle Ezra had told her the joke, and she + said 'retch,' to Pa, just as the actresses do on the stage, and put her + handkerchief to her eyes. Pa said it was 'false,' and Uncle Ezra said, 'O, + brother, that I should live to see this day,' and I said, as I looked in + the basket, 'Pa, it looks just like you, and I'll leave it to Ma.' That + was too much, and Pa got mad in a minute. He always gets mad at me. But he + went up and looked in the basket, and he said it was some Dutch baby, and + was evidently from the lower strata of society, and the unnatural mother + wanted to get rid of it, and he said he didn't know any 'Almira' at all. + When he called it a dutch baby, and called attention to its irregular + features, that made Ma mad, and she took it up out of the basket and told + Pa it was a perfect picture of him, and tried to put it in Pa's arms, but + he wouldn't have it, and said he would call the police and have it taken + to the poor house. Uncle Ezra took Pa in a corner and told him the best + thing he could do would be to see 'Almira' and compromise with her, and + that made Pa mad, and he was going to hit uncle Ezra with a chair. Pa was + perfectly wild, and if he had a gun I guess he would have shot all of us. + Ma took the baby up stairs and had the girl put it to bed, and after Pa + got mad enough Uncle Ezra told him it was all a joke, and it was his own + baby, that we had put in the basket, and then he was madder than ever, and + he told Uncle Ezra never to darken his door again. I don't how know he + made up with Ma for calling it a dutch baby from the Polack settlement, + but anyway, he wheels it around every day, and Ma and Pa have got so they + speak again.” + </p> + <p> + “That was a mighty mean trick, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. + Where do you expect to fetch up when you die?” said the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “I told Uncle Ezra it was a mean trick,” said the boy, “but he said that + wasn't a priming to some of the tricks Pa had played on him years ago. He + says Pa used to play tricks on everybody. I may be mean, but I never + played wicked jokes on blind people as Pa did when he was a boy. Uncle + Ezra says once there was a party of four blind vocalists, all girls, gave + an entertainment at the town where Pa lived, and they stayed at the hotel + where Pa tended bar. Another thing I never sold rum, either, as Pa did. + Well, before the blind vocalists went to bed Pa caught a lot of frogs and + put them in the beds where the girls were to sleep, and when the poor + blind girls got into bed the frogs hopped over them, and the way they got + out was a caution. It is bad enough to have frogs hopping all over girls + that can see, but for girls that are deprived of their sight, and don't + know what anything is, except by the feeling of it, it looks to me like a + pretty tough joke. I guess Pa is sorry now for what he did, 'cause when + Uncle Ezra told the frog story, I brought home a frog and put it in Pa's + bad. Pa has been afraid of paralysis for years, and when his leg, or + anything gets asleep, he thinks that is the end of him. Before bedtime I + turned the conversation onto paralysis, and told about a man about Pa's + age having it on the West side, and Pa was nervous, and soon after he + retired I guess the frog wanted to get acquainted with Pa, 'cause he + yelled six kinds of murder, and we went into his room. You know how cold a + frog is? Well, you'd a dide to see Pa. He laid still, and said his end had + come, and Uncle Ezra asked him if it was the end with the head on, or the + feet, and Pa told him paralysis had marked him for a victim, and he could + feel that his left leg was becoming dead. He said he could feel the cold, + clammy hand of death walking up him, and he wanted Ma to put a bottle of + hot water to his feet. Ma got the bottle of hot water and put it to Pa's + feet, and the cork came out and Pa said he was dead, sure enough, now, + because he was hot in the extremities, and that a cold wave was going up + his leg. Ma asked him where the cold wave was, and he told her, and she + thought she would rub it, but she began to yell the same kind of murder Pa + did, and she said a snake had gone up her sleeve. Then I thought it was + time to stop the circus, and I reached up Ma's lace sleeve and caught the + frog by the leg and pulled it out, and told Pa I guessed he had taken my + frog to bed with him, and I showed it to him, and then he said I did it, + and he would maul me so I could not get up alone, and he said that a boy + that would do such a thing would go to hell as sure as preachin' and I + asked him if he thought a man who put frogs in the beds with blind girls, + when he was a boy, would get to heaven, and then he told me to lite out, + and I lit. I guess Pa will feel better when Uncle Ezra goes away, cause he + thinks Uncle Ezra talks too much about old times. Well, here comes our + baby wagon, and I guess Pa has done penance long enough, and I will go and + wheel the kid awhile. Say, you call Pa in, after I take the baby wagon, + and tell him you don't know how he would get along without such a nice boy + as me, and you can charge it in our next months' bill.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES—TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL POCKET— + THE GROCERY MAN'S CAT—THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL— + ASLEEP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY—GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE + SOLDIER'S HOME—TERRIBLE FOURTH. OF JULY MISADVENTURES—THE + GIRL WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING. +</pre> + <p> + “Here, condemn you, you will pay for that cat,” said the grocery man to + the bad boy, as he came in the store all broke up, the morning after the + 4th of July. + </p> + <p> + “What cat?” said the boy as he leaned against the zinc ice box to cool his + back, which had been having trouble with a bunch of fire crackers in his + pistol pocket. “We haven't ordered any cat from here. Who ordered any cat + sent to our house? We get our sausage at the market,” and the boy rubbed + some cold cream on his nose and eyebrows where the skin was off. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is all right enough,” said the grocery man, “but somebody who + knew where that cat slept, in the box of sawdust, back of the store, + filled it full of firecrackers, Wednesday forenoon, when I was out to see + the procession, and never notified the cat, and touched them off, and the + cat went through the roof of the shed, and she hasn't got hair enough left + on her to put in tea. Now, you didn't show up all the forenoon, and I went + and asked your Ma where you was, and she said you had been sitting up four + nights straight along with a sick boy in the Third Ward, and you was + sleeping all the forenoon the 4th of July. If that is so, that lets you + out on the cat, but it don't stand to reason. Own up, now, was you asleep + all the forenoon, the 4th, while other boys were celebrating, or did you + scorch my cat?” and the grocery man looked at the boy as though he would + believe every word he said, if he <i>was</i> bad. + </p> + <p> + “Well, said the bad boy as he yawned as though he had been up all night, + “I am innocent of sitting up with your cat, but I plead guilty to sitting + up with Duffy. You see, I am bad, and it don't make any difference where I + am, and Duffy thumped me once when we were playing marbles, and I said I + would get even with him some time. His Ma washes for us, and when she told + me that her boy was sick with fever, and had nobody to stay with him while + she was away, I thought it would be a good way to get even with Duffy, + when he was weak, and I went down there to his shanty and gave him his + medicine, and read to him all day, and he cried 'cause he knew I ought to + have mauled him, and that night I sat up with him while his Ma did the + ironing, and Duffy was so glad that I went down every day and stayed there + every night, and fired medicine down him, and let his Ma sleep, and Duffy + has got mashed on me, and he says I will be an angel when I die. Last + night makes five nights I have sat up with him, and he has got so he can + eat beef tea and crackers. My girl went back on me 'cause she said I was + sitting up with some other girl. She said that Duffy story was too thin, + but Duffy's Ma was washing at my girl's house and she proved what I said, + and I was all right again. I slept all the forenoon the 4th, and then + stayed with Duffy till 4 o'clock, and got a furlough and took my girl to + the Soldiers' Home. I had rather set up with Duffy, though.” + </p> + <p> + “O, get out. You can't make me believe you had rather stay in a sick room + and set up with a boy, than to take a girl to the 4th of July,” said the + grocery man, as he took a brush and wiped the saw dust off some bottles of + peppersauce that he was taking out of a box. “You didn't have any trouble + with the girl, did you?” “No,—not with her,” said the boy, as he + looked into the little round zinc mirror to see if his eyebrows were + beginning to grow. “But her Pa is so unreasonable. I think a man ought to + know better than to kick a boy right where he has had a pack of + firecrackers explode in his pocket. You see, when I brought the girl back + home, she was a wreck. Don't you ever take a girl to the 4th of July. Take + the advice of a boy who has had experience. We hadn't more than got to the + Soldier's Home grounds before some boys who were playing tag grabbed hold + of my girl's crushed-strawberry polonaise and ripped it off. That made her + mad, and she wanted me to take offense at it, and I tried to reason with + the boys and they both jumped on me, and I see the only way to get out of + it honorably, was to get out real spry, and I got out. Then we sat down + under a tree, to eat lunch, and my girl swallowed a pickle the wrong way, + and I pounded her on the back, the way Ma does when I choke, and she + yelled, and a policeman grabbed me and shook me, and asked me what I was + hurting that poor girl for, and told me if I did it again he would arrest + me. Everything went wrong.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/178.jpg" alt="Fourth of July Misadventures 178 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “After dark somebody fired a Roman candle into my girl's hat, and set it + on fire, and I grabbed the hat and stamped on it, and spoiled the hair her + Ma bought her. By gosh, I thought her hair was curly, but when the wig was + off, her hair was as straight as could be. But she was purty, all the + same. We got under another tree, to get away from the smell of burned + hair, and a boy set off a niger chaser, and it ran right at my girl's + feet, and burned her stockings, and a woman put the fire out for her, + while I looked for the boy that fired the niger chaser, but I did'nt want + to find him. She was pretty near a wreck by that time, though she had all + her dress left except the polonaise, and we went and sat under a tree in a + quiet place, and I put my arm around her and told her never to mind the + accidents, cause it would be dark when we got home, and just then a spark + dropped down through the trees and fell in my pistol pocket, right next to + her, where my bunch of fire crackers was, and they began to go off. Well, + I never saw such a sight as she was. Her dress was one of these mosquito + bar, cheese cloth dresses, and it burned just like punk. I had presence of + mind enough to roll her on the grass and put out the fire, but in doing + that I neglected my own conflagration, and when I got her put out, my coat + tail and trousers were a total loss. <i>My</i>, but she looked like a + goose that had been picked, and I looked like a fireman that fell through + a hatchway. My girl wanted to go home, and I took her home, and her pa was + setting on the front steps, and he wouldn't accept her, looking that way. + He said he placed in my possession a whole girl, clothed in her right + mind, and I had brought back a burnt offering. He teaches in our + Sunday-school, and knows how to talk pious, but his boots are offul thick. + I tried to explain that I was not responsible for the fireworks, and that + he could bring in a bill against the government and I showed him how I was + bereaved of a coat tail and some pants, but he wouldn't reason at all, and + when his foot hit me I thought it was the resurrection, sure, and when I + got over the fence, and had picked myself up I never stopped till I got to + Duffy's and I set up with him, cause I thought her pa was after me, and I + thought he wouldn't enter a sick room and maul a watcher at the bedside of + an invalid. But that settles it with me about celebrating. I don't care if + we <i>did</i> whip the British, after declaring independence, I don't want + my pants burnt off. What is the declaration of independence good for to a + girl who looses her polonaise, and has her hair burnt off, and a nigger + chaser burning her stockings? No, sir, they may talk about the glorious + 4th of July, but will it bring back that blonde wig, or re-tail my coat? + Hereafter I am a rebel, and I will go out in the woods the way Pa does, + and come home with a black eye, got in a rational way. + </p> + <p> + “What, did your Pa get a black eye, too? I hadn't heard about that,” said + the grocery man, giving the boy a handful of unbaked peanuts to draw him + out. “Didn't get to fighting, did he?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Pa don't fight. It is wrong, he says, to fight, unless you are sure + you can whip the fellow, and Pa always gets whipped, so he quit fighting. + You see, one of the deacons in our church lives out on a farm, and his + folks were going away to spend the 4th, and he had to do all the chores, + so he invited Pa and Ma to come out to the farm and have a nice quiet + time, and they went. There is nothing Pa likes better than to go out on a + farm, and pretend he knows everything. When the farmer got Pa and Ma out + there he set them to work, and Ma shelled peas while Pa went to dig + potatoes for dinner. I think it was mean for the deacon to send Pa out in + the corn field to dig potatoes, and set the dog on Pa, and tree him in an + apple tree near the bee hives, and then go and visit with Ma and leave Pa + in the tree with the dog barking at him. Pa said he never knew how mean a + deacon could be, until he had sat on a limb of that apple tree all the + afternoon. About time to do chores the farmer came and found Pa, and + called the dog off, and Pa came down, and then the farmer played the + meanest trick of all. He said city people didn't know how to milk cows, + and Pa said he wished he had as many dollars as he knew how to milk cows. + He said his spechulty was milking kicking cows, and the farmer gave Pa a + tin pail and a milking stool and let down the bars, and pointed out to Pa + 'the worst cow on the place.' Pa knew his reputation was at stake, and he + went up to the cow and punched it in the flank and said, “hist, confound + you.” Well, the cow wasn't a histing cow, but a histing bull, and Pa knew + it was a bull as quick as he see it put down its head and beller, and Pa + dropped the pail and stool and started for the bars, and the bull after + Pa. I don't think it was right in Ma to bet two shillings with the farmer + that Pa would get to the bars before the bull did, though she won the bet. + Pa said he knew it was a bull just as soon as the horns got tangled up in + his coat tail, and when he struck on the other side of the bars, and his + nose hit the ash barrel where they make lye for soap, Pa said he saw more + fireworks than we did at the Soldier's Home, Pa wouldn't celebrate any + more, and he came home, after thanking the farmer for his courtesies, but + he wants me to borrow a gun and go out with him hunting. We are going to + shoot a bull and a dog, and some bees, may be we will shoot the farmer, if + Pa keeps on as mad as he is now. Well, we won't have another 4th of July + for a year, and may be by that time my girl's polonaise and hair will grow + out, and that bull may become gentle, so Pa can milk it. Ta-ta.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + WORKING OK SUNDAY—TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY—“NOT ANY + GRINDSTONE FOR HENNERY!”—THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT— + ANOTHER JOB ON THE OLD MAN—HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT + MIXED—THE NUMEROUS FUNERALS—THE MINISTER APPEARS—THE BAD + BOY GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE. +</pre> + <p> + “Hello,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in looking sick + at heart, and all broke up, “How is your muscle this morning?” + </p> + <p> + “All right enough,” said the boy, with a look of inquiry, as though + wondering what was coming next. “Why?” + </p> + <p> + “O, nothing, only I was going to grind the hatchet, and some knives and + things, this morning, and I thought maybe you would like to go out in the + shed and turn the grindstone for me, to develop your muscles. Turning a + grindstone is the healthiest thing a boy can do.” + </p> + <p> + “That is all right enough,” said the bad boy, as he took up a sweet + cracker, “but please take a good look at me. Do I look like a grindstone + boy? Do I resemble a good little boy that can't say 'no,' and goes off and + turns a grindstone half a day for some old duffer, who pays him by giving + him a handful of green currants, or telling him he will be a man some day, + and the boy goes off one way, with a lame back, while the good man goes + the other way, with a sharp scythe, and a chuckle at the softness of the + boy? You are mistaken in me. I have passed the grindstone period, and you + will have to pick up another sardine who has never done circular work. Not + any grindstone for Hennery, if you please.” + </p> + <p> + “You are getting too smart,” said the grocery man, as he charged a pound + of sweet crackers to the boy's father. “You don't have to turn the + grindstone if you don't want to.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what I thought,” says the boy as he takes a handful of + blueberries. “You grindstone sharps, who are always laying for a fool boy + to give taffy to, and get him to break his back, don't play it fine + enough. You bear on too hard on the grindstone. I have seen the time when + a man could get me to turn a grindstone for him till the cows come home, + by making me believe it was fun, and by telling me he never saw a boy that + seemed to throw so much soul into turning a grindstone as I did, but I + have found that such men are hypocrites. They inveigle a boy into their + nest, like the spider does the fly, and at first they don't bear on hard, + but just let the blade of the axe or the scythe touch the grindstone, and + they make a boy believe he is a bigger man than old Grant. They bet him he + will get tired, and he bets that he can turn a grindstone as long as + anybody, and when the boy has got his reputation at stake, then they begin + to bear on hard, and the boy gets tired, but he holds out, and when the + tools are ground he says he is as fresh as a daisy, when he is tired + enough to die. Such men do more to teach boys the hollowness of the world, + and its tricky features, than anything, and they teach boys to know who + are friends and who are foes. No, sir, the best way is to hire a grown + person to turn year grind one. I remember I turned a grindstone four hours + for a farmer once, and when I got through he said I could go to the spring + and drink all the water I wanted for nothing. He was the tightest man I + ever saw. Why, tight! That man was tight enough to hold kerosene.” + </p> + <p> + “That's all right. Who wanted you to turn grindstone anyway? But what is + it about your Pa and Ma being turned out of church? hear that they + scandalized themselves horribly last Sunday.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see, me and my chum put up a job on Pa to make him think Sunday + was only Saturday and Ma she fell into it, and I guess we are all going to + get fired from the church for working on Sunday. You see they didn't go to + meetin' last Sunday because Ma's new bonnet hadn't come, and Monday and + Tuesday it rained and the rest of the week was so muddy no one called, or + they could not get anywhere, so Monday I slid out early and got the daily + paper, and on Tuesday my chum he got the paper off the steps and put + Monday's paper in its place. I watched when they were reading it, but they + did not notice the date. Then Wednesday we put Tuesday's paper on the + steps and Pa said it seemed more than Tuesday, but Ma she got the paper of + the day before and looked at the date and said it seemed so to her but she + guessed they had lost a day somehow. Thursday we got Wednesday's paper on + the steps, and Friday we rung in Thursday's paper, and Saturday my chum he + got Friday's paper on the steps, and Ma said she guessed she would wash + to-morrow, and Pa said he believed he would hoe in the garden and get the + weeds out so it would look better to folks when they went by Sunday to + church. Well, Sunday morning came, and with it Saturday's daily paper, and + Pa barely glanced it over as he got on his overalls and went out in his + shirt sleeves a hoeing in the front garden. And I and my chum helped Ma + carry water to wash. She said it seemed like the longest week she ever + saw, but when we brought the water, and took a plate of pickles to the + hired girl that was down with the mumps, we got in the lilac bushes and + waited for the curtain to rise. It wasn't long before folks began going to + church and you'd a dide laughing to see them all stop in front of where Ma + was washing and look at her, and then go on to where Pa was hoeing weeds + and stop and look at him, and then drive on. After about a dozen teams had + passed I heard Ma ask Pa if he knew who was dead, as there must be a + funeral somewhere. Pa had just hoed into a bumblebee's nest and said he + did not know of any that was dead, but knew some that ought to be, and Ma + she did not ask any foolish questions any more. After about twenty teams + had stopped, Ma she got nervous and asked Deacon Smith if he saw anything + green; he said something about desecration, and drove away Deacon Brown + asked Pa if he did not think he was setting, a bad example before his boy; + but Pa, he said he thought it would be a good one if the boy could only be + hired to do it. Finally Ma got mad and took the tub behind the house where + they could not see her. About four o'clock that afternoon we saw a dozen + of our congregation headed by the minister, file into our yard, and my + chum and I knew it was time to fly, so we got on the back steps where we + could hear. Pa met them at the door, expecting some bad news; and when + they were seated, Ma she came in and remarked it was a very unhealthy + year, and it stood people in hand to meet their latter end. None of them + said a word until the elder put on his specs, and said it was a solemn + occasion, and Ma she turned pale, and wondered who it could be, and Pa + says 'don't keep us in suspense, who is dead?' and the elder said no one + was dead; but they called as a duty they owed the cause to take action on + them for working on Sunday. Ma, she fainted away, and they threw a pitcher + of water down her back, and Pa said he guessed they were a pack of + lunatics, but they all swore it was Sunday, and they saw Ma washing and Pa + out hoeing, as they went to church, and they had called to take action on + them. Then there was a few minutes low conversation I could not catch, and + then we heard Pa kick his chair over and say it was more tricks of that + darned boy. Then we knew it was time to adjourn, and I was just getting + through the back fence as Pa reached me with a barrel stave, and that's + what makes me limp some!” + </p> + <p> + “That was real mean in you boys,” said the grocery man. “It will be hard + for your Pa and Ma to explain that matter. Just think how bad they must + feel.” + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't know. I remember hearing Pa and Uncle Ezra tell how they + fooled their father once, and got him to go to mill with a grist, on + Sunday, and Pa said he would defy anybody to fool him on the day of the + week. I don't think a man ought to tempt his little boy by defying him to + fool his father. Well, I'll take a glass of your fifty cent cider and go,” + and soon the grocery man looked out the window and found somebody had + added a cypher to the 'Sweet cider, only five cents a glass,' making it an + expensive drink, considering it was made of sour apples. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED—THE OLD MAN BEGINS DRINKING + AGAIN—THINKS BETTING IS HARMLESS—HAD TO WALK HOME FROM + CHICAGO—THE SPECTACLES CHANGED—A SMALL SUIT OF CLOTHES— + THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED—“HENNERY YOUR PA IS A MIGHTY + SICK MAN”—THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN. +</pre> + <p> + “Come in,” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as the youth stood on the + steps in an uncertain sort of away, as though he did not know whether he + would be welcome or not. “I tell you, boy, I pity you. I understand your + Pa has got to drinking again. It is too bad. I can't think of anything + that humiliates a boy, and makes him so ashamed, as to have a father that + is in the habit of hoisting in too much benzine. A boy feels as though + everybody was down on him, and I don't wonder that such boys often turn + out bad. What started your Pa to drinking again?” + </p> + <p> + “O, Ma thinks it was losing money on the Chicago races. You see, Pa is + great on pointers. He don't usually bet unless he has got a sure thing, + but when he gets what they call a pointer, that is, somebody tells him a + certain horse is sure to win, because the other horses are to be pulled + back, he thinks a job has been put up, and if he thinks he is on the + inside of the ring he will bet. He says it does not do any hurt to bet, if + you win, and he argues that a man who wins lots of money can do a great + deal of good with it. But he had to walk home from the Chicago races all + the same, and he has been steaming ever since. Pa can't stand adversity. + But I guess we have got him all right now. He is the scartest man you ever + saw,” and the boy took a can opener and began to cut the zinc under the + stove, just to see if it would work as well on zinc as on tin. + </p> + <p> + “What, you haven't been dissecting him again, have you?” said the grocery + man, as he pulled a stool up beside the boy to hear the news. How did you + bring him to his senses?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Ma tried having the minister talk to Pa, but Pa talked Bible, about + taking a little wine for the stomach's sake, and gave illustrations about + Noah getting full, so the minister couldn't brace him up, and then Ma had + some of the sisters come and talk to him, but he broke them all up by + talking about what an appetite they had for champagne punch when they were + out in camp last summer, and they couldn't have any affect on him, and so + Ma said she guessed I would have to exercise my ingenuity on Pa again. Ma + has an idea that I have got some sense yet, so I told her that if she + would do just as I said, me and my chum would scare Pa so he would swear + off. She said she would, and we went to work. First I took Pa's spectacles + down to an optician, Saturday night, and had the glasses taken out and a + pair put in their place that would magnify, and I took them home and put + them in Pa's spectacle case. Then I got a suit of clothes from my chum's + uncle's trunk, about half the size of Pa's clothes. My chum's uncle is a + very small man, and Pa is corpulent. I got a plug hat three sizes smaller + than Pa's hat, and the name out of Pa's hat and put it in the small hat. I + got a shirt about half big enough for Pa, and put his initials on the + thing under the bosom, and got a number fourteen collar. Pa wears + seventeen. Pa had promised to brace up and go to church Sunday morning, + and Ma put these small clothes where Pa could put them on. I told Ma, when + Pa woke up, to tell him he looked awfully bloated, and excite his + curiosity, and then send for me.” + </p> + <p> + “You didn't play such a trick as that on a poor old man, did you?” said + the grocery man, as a smile came over his face. + </p> + <p> + “You bet. Desperate diseases require desperate remedies. Well, Ma told Pa + he looked awfully bloated, and that his dissipation was killing him, as + well as all the rest of the family. Pa said he guessed he wasn't bloated + very much, but he got up and put on his spectacles and looked at himself + in the glass. You'd a dide to see him look at himself. His face looked as + big as two faces, through the glass, and his nose was a sight. Pa looked + scared, and then he held up his hand and looked at that. His hand looked + like a ham. Just then I came in, and I turned pale, with some chalk on my + face, and I begun to cry, and I said, 'O, Pa, what ails you? You are so + swelled up I hardly knew you.' Pa looked sick to his stomach, and then he + tried to get on his pants. O, my, it was all I could do to keep from + laughing to see him pull them pants on. He could just get his legs in, and + when I got a shoe horn and gave it to him, he was mad. He said it was a + mean boy that would give his Pa a shoe horn to put on his pants with. The + pants wouldn't come around Pa into ten inches, and Pa said he must have + eat something that disagreed with him, and he laid it to watermelon. Ma + stuffed her handkerchief in her mouth to keep from laffing, when she see + Pa look at his-self. The legs of the pants were so tight Pa could hardly + breathe, and he turned pale, and said, 'Hennery, your Pa is a mighty sick + man,' and then Ma and me both laughed, and he said we wanted him to die so + we could spend his life insurance in riotous living.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:60%"> + <img src="images/197.jpg" alt="Hennery, Your Pa is a Mighty Sick Man 197 " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + “But when Pa put on that condensed shirt, Ma she laid down on the lounge + and fairly yelled, and I laughed till my side ached. Pa got it over his + head, and got his hands in the sleeves, and couldn't get it either way, + and he couldn't see us laugh, but he could hear us, and he said, 'It's + darned funny, ain't it, to have a parent swelled up this way. If I bust + you will both be sorry.' Well, Ma took hold of one side of the shirt, and + I took hold of the other, and we pulled it on, and when Pa's head came up + through the collar, his face was blue. Ma told him she was afraid he would + have a stroke of apoplexy before he got his clothes on, and I guess Pa + thought so too. He tried to get the collar on, but it wouldn't go half way + around his neck, and he looked in the glass and cried, he looked so. He + sat down in a chair and panted, he was so out of breath, and the shirt and + pants ripped, and Pa said there was no use living if he was going to be a + rival to a fat woman in the side show. Just then I put the plug hat on + Pa's head, and it was so small it was going to roll off, when Pa tried to + fit it on his head, and then he took it off and looked inside of it, to + see if it was his hat, and when he found his name in it, he said 'Take it + away. My head is all wrong too.' Then he told me to go for the doctor, + mighty quick. I got the doctor and told him what we were trying to do with + Pa, and he said he would finish the job. So the Doc. came in, and Pa was + on the lounge, and when the Doc. saw him, he said it was lucky he was + called just as he was, or we would have required an undertaker. He put + some pounded ice on Pa's head the first thing, ordered the shirt cut open, + and we got the pants off. Then he gave Pa an emetic, and had his feet + soaked, and Pa said, 'Doc., if you will bring me out of this I will never + drink another drop.' The Doc. told Pa that his life was not worth a button + if he ever drank again, and left about half a pint of sugar pills to be + fired into Pa every five minutes. Ma and me sat up with Pa all day Sunday, + and Monday morning I changed the spectacles, and took the clothes home, + and along about noon Pa said he felt as though he could get up. Well, you + never see a tickleder man than he was when he found the swelling had gone + down so he could get his pants and shirt on, and he says that doctor is + the best in this town. Ma says I am a smart boy, and Pa has taken the + pledge, and we are all right. Say, you don't think there is anything wrong + in a boy playing it on his Pa once in a while, do you?” + </p> + <p> + “Not much, You have very likely saved your Pa's life. No, sir, joking is + all right when by so doing you can break a person of a bad habit,” and the + grocery man cut a chew of tobacco off a piece of plug that was on the + counter, which the boy had soaked in kerosene, and before he had fairly + got it rolled in his cheek he spit it out and began to gag, and as the boy + started leisurely out the door the grocery man said, “Lookahere, condemn + you, don't you ever tamper with my tobacco again, or by thunder I'll maul + you,” and he followed the boy to the door, spitting cotton all the way; + and, as the boy went around the corner, the groceryman thought how + different a joke seemed when it was on somebody else. And then he turned + to go in and rinse the kerosene out of his mouth, and found a sign on a + box of new, green apples, as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + COLIC OR CHOLERA INFANTUM + + YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY + + AND TAKES YOUR CHOICE. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + GHOSTS DON'T STEAL WORMY FIGS—A GRAND REHERSAL—THE + MINISTER MURDERS HAMLET—THE WATER-MELON KNIFE—THE OLD MAN + WANTED TO REHERSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE—NO + HUGGING ALLOWED—HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS-“HOW WOULD + YOU LIKE TO BE AN IDIOT.” + </pre> + <p> + “I am thy father's ghost,” said a sheeted form in the doorway of the + grocery, one evening, and the grocery man got behind the cheese box, while + the ghost continued in a sepulchral voice, “doomed for a certain time to + walk the night,” and, waving a chair round, the ghost strode up to the + grocery man, and with the other ghostly hand reached into a box of figs. + </p> + <p> + “No you ain't no ghost,” said the grocery man, recognizing the bad boy. + “Ghosts do not go prowling around groceries stealing wormy figs. What do + you mean by this sinful masquerade business? My father never had no + ghost!” + </p> + <p> + “O, we have struck it now,” said the bad boy as he pulled off his mask and + rolled up the sheet he had worn around him. “We are going to have amateur + theatricals, to raise money to have the church carpeted, and I am going to + boss the job.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say,” answered the grocery man, as he thought how much he could + sell to the church people for a strawberry and ice cream festival, and how + little he could sell for amateur theatricals. “Who is going into it and + what are you going to play?” + </p> + <p> + “Pa and Ma, and me, and the minister, and three choir singers, and my + chum, and the minister's wife, and two deacons, and an old maid are + rehersing, but we have not decided what to play yet. They all want to play + a different play, and I am fixing it so they can all be satisfied. The + minister wants to play Hamlet, Pa wants to play Rip Van Winkle, Ma wants + to play Mary Anderson, the old maid wants to play a boarding school play, + and the choir singers want an opera, and the minister's wife wants to play + Lady Macbeth, and my chum and me want to play a double song and dance, and + I am going to give them all a show. We had a rehersal last night, and I am + the only one able to be around to-day. You see they have all been studying + different plays, and they all wanted to talk at once. We let the minister + sail in first. He had on a pair of his wife's black stockings, and a + mantle made of a linen buggy lap blanket and he wore a mason's cheese + knife such as these fellows with poke bonnets and white feathers wear when + they get an invitation to a funeral or an excursion. Well, you never saw + Hamlet murdered the way he did it. His interpretation of the character was + that Hamlet was a Dude that talked through his nose, and while he was + repeating Hamlet's soliloquy, Pa, who had come in with an old hunting suit + on, as Rip Van Winkle, went to sleep, and he didn't wake up till Lady + Macbeth came in, in the sleep-walking scene. She couldn't find a knife, so + I took a slice of watermelon and sharpened it for her, and she made a + mistake in the one she was to stab, and she stabbed Hamlet in the neck + with a slice of watermelon, and the core of the melon fell on Pa's face, + as he lay asleep as Rip, and when Lady Macbeth said, 'Out damned spot,' Pa + woke up and felt the gob of watermelon on his face and he thought he had + been murdered, and Ma came in on a hop, skip and jump as 'Parthenia,' and + threw her arms around a deacon who was going to play the grave digger, and + began to call him pet names, and Pa was mad, and the choir singers they + began to sing, 'In the North Sea lived a whale,' and then they quit + acting. You'd a dide to see Hamlet. The piece of watermelon went down his + neck, and Lady Macbeth went off and left it in the wound under his collar, + and Ma had to pull it out, and Hamlet said the seeds and the juice was + running down inside his shirt, and he said he wouldn't play if he was + going to be stabbed with a slice of melon, so while his wife was getting + the melon seeds out of his neck, and drying the juice on his shirt, I + sharpened a cucumber for Lady Macbeth to use as a dagger, but Hamlet + kicked on cucumbers, too, and I had more trouble than any stage manager + ever had. Then Pa wanted to rehearse the drunken scene in Rip Van Winkle, + where he hugs Grechten and drinks out of a flask behind her back, and he + got one of the choir singers to act as Grechten, and I guess he would have + been hugging till this time, and have swallowed the flask if Ma had not + taken him by the ear, and said a little of that would go a good ways in an + entertainment for the church. Pa said he didn't know as it was any worse + than her prancing up to a grave digger and hugging him till the filling + came out of his teeth, and then the minister decided that we wouldn't have + any hugging at all in the play, and the choir girls said they wouldn't + play, and the old maids struck, and the play come to a stand still.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that beats anything I ever heard tell of. It's a shame for people + outside the profession to do play acting, and I won't go to the + entertainment unless I get a pass,” said the grocery man. “Did you + rehearse any more?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, the minister wanted to try the ghost scene,” said the boy, “and he + wanted me to be the ghost. Well, they have two 'Markses' and two 'Topsies' + in Uncle Tom's cabin, and I thought two ghosts in Hamlet would about fill + the bill for amateurs, so I got my chum to act as one ghost. We broke them + all up. I wanted to have something new in ghosts, so my chum and me got + two pair of Ma's long stockings, one pair red and one pair blue, and I put + on a red one and a blue one, and my chum did the same. Then we got some + ruffled clothes belonging to Ma, with flounces and things on, and put them + on so they came most down to our knees, and we put sheets over us, clear + to our feet, and when Hamlet got to yearning for his father's ghost, I + came in out of the bath room with the sheet over me, and said I was the + huckleberry he was looking for, and my chum followed me out and said he + was a twin ghost, also, and then Hamlet got on his ear and said he + wouldn't play with two ghosts, and he went off pouting, and then my chum + and me pulled off the sheets and danced a clog dance. Well, when the rest + of the troop saw our make up, it nearly killed them. Most of them had seen + ballet dancers, but they never saw them with different colored socks. The + minister said the benefit was rapidly becoming a farce, and before we had + danced half a minute Ma she recognized her socks, and she came for me with + a hot box, and made me take them off, and Pa was mad and said the dancing + was the only thing that was worth the price of admission, and he scolded + Ma, and the choir girls sided with Pa, and just then my chum caught his + toe in the carpet and fell down, and that loosened the plaster overhead + and about a bushel fell on the crowd. Pa thought lightning had struck the + house, the minister thought it was a judgment on them all for play acting, + and he began to shed his Hamlet costume with one hand and pick the plaster + out of his hair with the other. The women screamed and tried to get the + plaster out of their necks, and while Pa was brushing off the choir + singers Ma said the rehearsal was adjourned, and they all went home, but + we are going to rehearse again on Friday night. The play cannot be + considered a success, but we will bring it out all right by the time the + entertainment is to come off.” + </p> + <p> + “By gum,” said the grocery man, “I would like to have seen that minister + as Hamlet. Didn't he look funny?” + </p> + <p> + “Funny! Well, I should remark. He seemed to predominate. That is, he was + too fresh, too numerous, as it were. But at the next rehearsal I am going + to work in an act from Richard the Third, and my chum is going to play the + Chinaman of the Danites, and I guess we will take the cake. Say, I want to + work in an idiot somewhere. How would you like to play the idiot. You + wouldn't have to rehearse or anything—” + </p> + <p> + At this point the bad boy was seen to go out of the grocery store real + spry, followed by a box of wooden clothes-pins that the grocery man had + thrown after him. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG—THE BAD BOY WITH A DOG + AND A BLACK EYE-WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?—ANGELS DON'T BREAK + DOGS' LEGS—A WOMAN WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO SHOW WITH + ST. PETER—ANOTHER BURGLAR SCARE—THE GROCERY DELIVERY MAN + SCARED. +</pre> + <p> + “Hello!” said the grocery man to the bad boy, as he came in with a black + eye, leading a hungry looking dog that was walking on three legs, and had + one leg tied up with a red silk handkerchief. “What is this—a part + of your amateur theater? Now you get out of here with that dog, mighty + quick. A boy that hurts dogs so they have to have their legs tied up, is + no friend of mine,” and the grocery man took up a broom to drive the dog + out doors. + </p> + <p> + “There, you calm, yourself,” says the boy to the grocery man, as the dog + got behind the boy and looked up at the grocery man as though he was not + afraid as long as the bad boy was around. “Set up the crackers and cheese, + sausage, and pickles, and everything this dog wants to eat—he is a + friend of mine—that dog is my guest, and those are my splints on his + broken leg, and that is my handkerchief that my girl gave me, wound around + it, and you touch that dog except in the way of kindness, and down comes + your house.” And the boy doubled up his fists as though he meant business. + </p> + <p> + “Poor doggie,” said the grocery man, as he cut off a piece of sausage and + offered it to the dog, which was declined with thanks, expressed by the + wagging tail. “Where did you steal him?” + </p> + <p> + “I didn't steal him, and he is no cannibal. He won't eat your sausage!” + and the boy put up his elbow as though to ward off on imaginary blow. “You + see, this dog was following off a pet dog that belonged to a woman, and + she tried to shoo him away, but he wouldn't shoo. This dog did not know + that he was a low born, miserable dog, and had no right to move in the + society of an aristocratic pet dog, and he followed right along. He + thought this was a free country, and one dog was as good as another, and + he followed that woman and her pet dog right into her door yard. The pet + dog encouraged this dog, and he went in the yard, and when the woman got + up on the steps she threw a velocipede at this dog and broke his leg, and + then she took up her pet and went in the house so she wouldn't hear this + dog howl. She is a nice woman, and I see her go to meeting every Sunday + with a lot of morocco books in her hands, and once I pumped the organ in + the church where she goes, and she was so pious I thought she was an angel—but + angels don't break dogs' legs. I'll bet when she goes up to the gate and + sees St. Peter open the book and look for the charges against her, she + will tremble as though she had fits. And when St. Peter runs his finger + down the ledger, and stops at the dog column, and turns and looks at her + over his spectacles, and says, “Madam, how about your stabbing a poor dog + with a velocipede, and breaking its leg?” she will claim it was an + accident; but she can't fool Pete. He is on to everybody's racket, and if + they get in there, they have got to have a clean record.” + </p> + <p> + “Say, look-a-here,” said the grocery man, as he looked at the boy in + astonishment as he unwound the handkerchief to dress the dog's broken leg, + while the dog looked up in the boy's face with an expression of + thankfulness and confidence that he was an able practitioner in dog + bone-setting, “what kind of talk is that? You talk of heaven as though its + books were kept like the books of a grocery and you speak too familiarly + of St. Peter.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I didn't mean any disrespect,” said the boy, as he fixed the splint + on the dog's leg, and tied it with a string, while the dog licked his + hand, “but I learned in Sunday school that up there they watch even the + sparrow's fail, and they wouldn't be apt to get left on a dog bigger than + a whole flock of sparrows, 'specially when the dog's fall was accompanied + with such noise as a velocipede makes when it falls down stairs. No sir, a + woman who throws a velocipede at a poor, homeless dog, and breaks its leg, + may carry a car load of prayer books, and she may attend to all the + sociables, but according to what I have been told, if she goes sailing up + to the gate of New Jerusalem, as though she owned the whole place, and + expects to be ushered into a private box, she will get left. The man in + the box office will tell her she is not on the list, and that there is a + variety show below, where the devil is a star, and fallen angels are + dancing the cancan with sheet-iron tights, on brimstone lakes, and she can + probably crawl under the canvas, but she can't get in among the angelic + hosts until she can satisfactorily explain that dog story that is told on + her. Possibly I have got a raw way of expressing myself, but I had rather + take my chances, if I should apply for admission up there, with this lame + dog under my arm than to take hers with a pug that hain't got any legs + broke. A lame dog and a clear conscience beats a pet dog, when your + conscience feels nervous. Now I am going to lay this dog in the barrel of + dried apples, where your cat sleeps, and give him a little rest, and I + will give you four minutes to tell me all you know, and you will have + three minutes on your hands with nothing to say. Unbutton your lip and + give your teeth a vacation.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you <i>have</i> got gall. However, I don't know but you are right + that woman that hurt the dog. Still, it may have been her way of petting a + strange dog. We should try to look upon the charitable side of peoples' + eccentricities. But say, I want to ask you if you have seen anything of my + man that delivers groceries. Saturday night I sent him over to your house + to deliver some things, about ten o'clock, and he has not showed up since. + What do you think has become of him?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, by gum, that accounts for it. Saturday night, about ten o'clock we + heard somebody in the back yard, around the kitchen door, just as we were + going to bed, and Pa was afraid it was a burglar after the church money he + had collected last Sunday. He had got to turn it over the next day, to pay + the minister's expenses on his vacation, and it made him nervous to have + it around. I peeked out of the window and saw the man, and I told Pa, and + Pa got a revolver and began shooting through the wire screen to the + kitchen window, and I saw the man drop the basket and begin to climb over + the fence real sudden, and I went out and began to groan, as though + somebody was dying in the alley, and I brought in the basket with the + mackerel and green corn, and told Pa that from the groaning out there I + guess he had killed the grocery delivery man, and I wanted Pa to go out + and help me hunt for the body, but he said he was going to take the + midnight train to go out west on some business, and Pa lit out. I guess + your man was scared and went one way and Pa was scared and went the other. + Won't they be astonished when they meet each other on the other side of + the world? Pa will shoot him again when they meet, if he gives Pa any + sass. Pa says when he gets mad he had just as soon eat as to kill a man.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I guess my man has gone off to a Sunday pic-nic or something, and + will come back when he gets sober, but how are your theatricals getting + along?” asked the grocery man. + </p> + <p> + “O, that scheme is all busted,” said the boy. “At least until the minister + gets back from his vacation. The congregation has noticed a red spot on + his hand for some time, and the ladies said what he needed was rest. They + said if that spot was allowed to go on it might develope into a pimple, + and the minister might die of blood poison, superinduced by overwork, and + they took up a collection, and he has gone. The night they bid him good + bye, the spot on his hand was the subject of much comment. The wimmen + sighed, and said it was lucky they noticed the spot on his hand before it + had sapped his young life away. Pa said Job had more than four hundred + boils worse than that, and he never took a vacation, and then Ma dried Pa + up. She told Pa he had never suffered from blood poison, and Pa said he + could raise cat boils for the market, and never squeal. Ma see the only + way to shut Pa up was to let him go home with the choir singer. So she + bounced him off with her, and he didn't get home till most 'leven o'clock, + but Ma she set up for him. Maybe what she said to Pa made him go west + after peppering your burglar. Well, I must go home now, 'cause I run the + family, since Pa lit out. Say, send some of your most expensive canned + fruit and things over to the house. Darn the expense.” And the bad boy + took the lame dog under his arm and walked out. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL—WHY IS LETTUCE LIKE A GIRL?— + KING SOLOMON A FOOL—THINK OF ANY SANE MAN HAVING A THOUSAND + WIVES—HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TWO HOTELS DURING VACATION—300 + BLONDES—600 BRUNETTES, ETC—A THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE + CREAM—I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS THOUSAND. +</pre> + <p> + “What you sitting there like a bump on a log for?” asked the grocery man + of the bad boy, as the youth had sat on a box for half an hour, with his + hands in his pockets, looking at a hole in the floor, until his eyes were + set like a dying horse. “What you thinking of, anyway? It seems to me boys + set around and think more than they used to when I was a boy,” and the + groceryman brushed the wilted lettuce and shook it, and tried to make it + stand up stiff and crisp, before he put it out doors; but the contrary + lettuce which had been picked the day before, looked so tired that the boy + noticed it. + </p> + <p> + “That lettuce reminds me of a girl. Yesterday I was in here when it was + new, like the girl going to the picnic, and it was as fresh and proud, and + starched up, and kitteny, and full of life, and as sassy as a girl + starting out for a picnic. To-day it has got back from the picnic, and, + like the girl, the starch is all taken out, and it is limber, and languid, + and tired, and can't stand up alone, and it looks as though it wanted to + be laid at rest beside the rotten apples in the alley, rather than be set + out in front of a store to be sold to honest people, and give them the + gangrene of the liver,” and the boy put on a health commissioner air that + frightened the grocery man, and he threw the lettuce out the back door. + </p> + <p> + “You never mind about my lettuce,” said the grocery man, “I can attend to + my affairs. But now tell me what you were thinking about here all the + morning?” + </p> + <p> + “I was thinking what a fool King Solomon was,” said the boy, with the air + of one who has made a statement that has got to be argued pretty strong to + make it hold water. + </p> + <p> + “Now, lookahere,” said the grocery man in anger, “I have stood it to have + you play tricks on me, and have listened to your condemned foolishness + without a murmur as long as you have confined yourself to people now + living, but when you attack Solomon—the wisest man, the great king—and + call him a fool, friendship ceases, and you must get out of this store. + Solomon in all his glory, is a friend of mine, and no fool boy is going to + abuse him in my presence. Now, you dry up!” + </p> + <p> + “Sit down on the ice box,” said the boy to the grocery man, “what you need + is rest. You are overworked. Your alleged brain is equal to wilted + lettuce, and it can devise ways and means to hide rotten peaches under + good ones, so as to sell them to blind orphans; but when it comes to + grasping great questions, your small brain cannot comprehend them. Your + brain may go up sideways to a great question and rub against it, but it + cannot surround it, and grasp it. That's where you are deformed. Now, it + is different with me. I can raise brain to sell to you grocery men. + Listen. This Solomon is credited with being the wisest man, and yet + history says he had a thousand wives. Just think of it. You have got one + wife, and Pa has got one, and all the neighbors have one, if they have had + any kind of luck. Does not one wife make you pay attention? Wouldn't two + wives break you up? Wouldn't three cause you to see stars? How would ten + strike you? Why, man alive, you do not grasp the magnitude of the + statement that Solomon had a thousand wives. A thousand wives, standing + side by side, would reach about four blocks. Marching by fours it would + take them twenty minutes to pass a given point. The largest summer resort + hotel only holds about five hundred people, so Sol would have had to hire + two hotels if he took his wives out for a day in the country. If you would + stop and think once in a while you would know more.” + </p> + <p> + The grocery man's eyes had begun to stick out as the bad boy continued, as + though the statistics had never been brought to his attention before, but + he was bound to stand by his old friend Solomon, and he said, “Well, + Solomon's wives must have been different from our wives of the present + day.” + </p> + <p> + “Not much,” said the boy, as he see he was paralizing the grocery man. + “Women have been about the same ever since Eve. She got mashed on the old + original dude, and it stands to reason that Solomon's wives were no better + than the mother of the human race. Statistics show that one woman out of + every ten is red headed. That would give Solomon an even hundred red + headed wives. Just that hundred red headed wives would be enough to make + an ordinary man think that there was a land that is fairer than this. Then + there would be, out of the other nine hundred, about three hundred + blondes, and the other six hundred would be brunettes, and mabe he had a + few albinos, and bearded women, and fat women, and dwarfs. Now, those + thousand women had appetites, desires for dress and style, the same as all + women. Imagine Solomon saying to them. 'Girls, lets all go down to the ice + cream, saloon and have a dish of ice cream.' Can you, with your brain + muddled with codfish and new potatoes, realize the scene that would + follow? Suppose after Solomon's broom brigade bad got seated in the ice + creamery, one of the red headed wives should catch Solomon winking at a + strange girl at another table. You may think Solomon did not know enough + to wink, or that he was not that kind of a flirt, but he <i>must</i> have + been or he could never had succeeded in marrying a thousand wives, in a + sparcely settled country. No, Sir, it looks to me as though Solomon in all + his glory, was an old masher, and from what I have seen of men being + bossed around with one wife, I don't envy Solomon his thousand. Why, just + imagine that gang of wives going and ordering fall bonnets. Solomon would + have to be a king, or a Vanderbilt to stand it. Ma wears five dollar silk + stockings, and Pa kicks awfully when the bill comes in. Imagine Soloman + putting up for a few thousand pair of silk stockings. I am glad you will + sit down and reason with me in a rational way about some of these Bible + stories that take my breath away. The minister stands me off when I try to + talk with him about such things, and tells me to study the parable of the + Prodigal Son, and the deacons tell me to go and soak my head. There is + darn little encouragement for a boy to try and figure out things. How + would you like to have a thousand red headed wives come into the store + this minute and tell you they wanted you to send carriages around to the + house at 3 o'clock so they could go for a drive? Or how would you like to + have a hired girl come rushing in and tell you to send up six hundred + doctors, because six hundred of your wives had been taken with cholera + morbus? Or—” + </p> + <p> + “O, don't mention it,” said the grocery man, with a shudder. “I wouldn't + take Solomon's place, and be the natural protector of a thousand wives if + anybody would give me the earth. Think of getting up in a cold winter + morning and building a thousand fires. Think of two thousand pair of hands + in a fellow's hair! Boy, you have shown me that Solomon needed a guardian + over him. He didn't have sense.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” says the boy, “and think of two thousand feet, each one as cold as + a brick of chocolate ice cream. A man would want a back as big as the + fence of a fair ground. But I don't want to harrow up your feelings. I + must go and put some arnica on Pa. He has got home, and says he has been + to a summer resort on a vacation, and he is all covered with blotches. He + says it is mosquito bites, but Ma thinks he has been shot full of bird + shot by some water melon farmer. Ma hasn't got any sympathy for Pa because + he didn't take her along, but if she had been there she would have been + filled with bird shot, too. But you musn't detain me. Between Pa and the + baby I have got all I can attend to. The baby is teething, and Ma makes me + put my fingers in the baby's mouth to help it cut teeth. That is a + humiliating position for a boy as big as I am. Say, how many babies do you + figure that Solomon had to buy rubber toothing rings for in all his + glory?” + </p> + <p> + And the boy went out leaving the grocery man reflecting on what a family + Solomon must have had, and how he needed to be the wisest man to get along + without a circus afternoon and evening. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A DEACON— + HE KNOWS WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH—HOW THE DEACON MADE HIM + FLAX AROUND—AND HOW HE MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON. +</pre> + <p> + “Want to buy any cabbages?” said the bad boy to the grocery man, as he + stopped at the door of the grocery, dressed in a blue wamus, his breeches + tucked in his boots, and an old hat on his head, with a hole that let out + his hair through the top. He had got out of a democrat wagon, and was + holding the lines hitched to a horse about forty years old, that leaned + against the hitching post to rest, “Only a shilling apiece.” + </p> + <p> + “O, go 'way,” said the grocery man. “I only pay three cents apiece.” And + then he looked at the boy and said “Hello, Hennery, is that you? I have + missed you all the week, and now you come on to me sudden, disguised as a + granger. What does this all mean?” + </p> + <p> + “It means that I have been the victim of as vile a conspiracy as ever was + known since Cæesar was stabbed, and Marc Antony orated over his prostrate + corpse in the Roman forum, to an audience of supes and scene shifters,” + and the boy dropped the lines on the sidewalk, said, “whoa, gol darn you,” + to the horse that was asleep, wiped his boots on the grass in front of the + store and came in, and seated himself on the old half bushel. “There, this + seems like home again.” + </p> + <p> + “What's the row?—who has been playing it on you?” And the grocery + man smelled a sharp trade in cabbages, as well as other smells peculiar to + the farm. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll tell you. Lately our folks have been constantly talking of the + independent life of the farmer, and how easy it is, and how they would + like it if I would learn to be a farmer. They said there was nothing like + it, and several of the neighbors join'd in and said I had the natural + ability to be one of the most successful farmers in the state. They all + drew pictures of the fun it was to work on a farm where you could get your + work done and take your fish-pole and go off and catch fish, or a gun, and + go out and kill game, and how you could ride; horses, and pitch hay, and + smell the sweet perfume, and go to husking bees, and dances, and + everything, and they got me all worked up so I wanted to go to work on a + farm. Then an old deacon that belongs to our church, who runs a farm about + eight miles out of town, he came on the scene, and said he wanted a boy, + and if I would go out and work for him he would be easy on me because he + knew my folks, and we belonged to the same church. I can see it now. It + was all a put up job on me, just like they play three card monte on a + fresh stranger. I was took in. By gosh, I have been out there a week, and + here's what there is left of me. The only way I got a chance to come to + town was to tell the farmer I could sell cabbages to you for a shilling a + piece. I knew you sold them for fifteen cents and I thought that you would + give a shilling. So the farmer said he would pay me my wages in cabbages + at a shilling apiece and only charge me a dollar for the horse and wagon + to bring them in. So you only pay three cents. Here are thirty cabbages, + which will come to ninety cents. I pay a dollar for the horse, and when I + get back to the farm I owe the farmer ten cents, besides working a week + for nothing. O, it is all right. I don't kick, but this ends farming for + Hennery. I know when I have got enough of an easy life on a farm. I prefer + a hard life, breaking stones on the streets, to an easy, dreamy life on a + farm.” + </p> + <p> + “They <i>did</i> play it on you, didn't they,” said the grocery man. “But + wasn't the old deacon a good man to work for?” + </p> + <p> + “Good man nothing',” said the boy, as he took up a piece of horse radish + and began to grate it on the inside of his rough hand. “I tell you there's + a heap of difference in a deacon in Sunday school, telling about sowing + wheat and tares, and a deacon out on a farm in a hurry season, when there + is hay to get in and wheat to harvest all at the same time. I went out to + the farm Sunday evening with the deacon and his wife, and they couldn't + talk too much about the nice time we would have, and the fun; but the + deacon changed more than forty degrees in five minutes after we got to the + farm. He jump'd out of the wagon and pulled off his coat, and let his wife + climb out over the wheel, and yelled to the hired girl to bring out the + milk pail, and told me to fly around and unharness the horse, and throw + down a lot of hay for the work animals, and then told me to run down to + the pasture and drive up a lot of cows. The pasture was half a mile away, + and the cows were scattered around in the woods, and the mosquitos were + thick, and I got all covered with mud and burrs, and stung with thistles, + and when I got the cattle near to the house, the old deacon yelled to me + that I was slower than molasses in the winter, and then I took a club and + tried to hurry the cows, and he yelled at me to stop hurrying, 'cause I + would retard the flow of milk. By gosh I <i>was</i> mad. I asked for a + mosquito bar to put over me next time I went after the cows, and the + people all laughed at me, and when I sat down on the fence to scrape the + mud off my Sunday pants, the deacon yelled like he does in the revival, + only he said, 'come, come, procrastination is the thief of time. You get + up and hump yourself and go and feed the pigs.' He was so darn mean that I + could not help throwing a burdock burr against the side of the cow he was + milking, and it struck her right in the flank on the other side from where + the deacon was. Well, you'd a dide to see the cow jump up and blat. All + four of her feet were off the ground at a time, and I guess most of them + hit the deacon on his Sunday vest, and the rest hit the milk pail, and the + cow backed against the fence and bellered, and the deacon was all covered + with milk and cow hair, and he got up and throwed the three-legged stool + at the cow and hit her on the horn and it glanced off and hit me on the + pants just as I went over the fence to feed the pigs. I didn't know a + deacon could talk so sassy at a cow, and come so near swearing without + actually saying cuss words. Well, I lugged swill until I was homesick to + my stomach, and then I had to clean off horses, and go to the neighbors + about a mile away to borrow a lot of rakes to use the next day. I was so + tired I almost cried, and then I had to draw two barrels of water with a + well bucket, to cleanse for washing the next day, and by that time I + wanted to die. It was most nine o'clock, and I began to think about + supper, when the deacon said all they had was bread and milk for supper + Sunday night, and I rasseled with a tin basin of skim milk, and some old + back number bread, and wanted to go to bed, but the deacon wanted to know + if I was heathen enough to want to go to bed without evening prayers. + There was no one thing I was less mashed on than evening prayers about + that minute, but I had to take a prayer half an hour long on the top of + that skim milk, and I guess it curdled the milk, for I hadn't been in bed + more than half an hour before I had the worst colic a boy ever had, and I + thought I should die all alone up in that garret, on the floor, with + nothing to make my last hours pleasant but some rats playing with ears of + seed corn on the floor, and mice running through some dry pea pods. But + how different the deacon talked in the evening devotions from what he did + when the cow was galloping on him in the barnyard. Well, I got through the + colic and was just getting to sleep when the deacon yelled for me to get + up and hustle down stairs. I thought may be the house was on fire, 'cause + I smelled smoke, and I got into my trousers and came down stairs on a jump + yelling 'fire,' when the deacon grabbed me and told me to get down on my + knees, and before I knew it he was into the morning devotions, and when he + said 'amen' and jumped and said for us to fire breakfast into us quick and + get to work doing chores. I looked at the clock and it was just three + o'clock in the morning, just the time Pa comes home and goes to bed in + town, when he is running a political campaign. Well, sir, I had to jump + from one thing to another from three o'clock in the morning till nine at + night, pitching hay, driving reaper, raking and binding, shocking wheat, + hoeing corn, and everything, and I never got a kind word. I spoiled my + clothes, and I think another week would make a pirate of me. But during it + all I had the advantage of a pious example. I tell you, you think more of + such a man as the deacon if you don't work for him, but only see him when + he comes to town, and you hear him sing 'Heaven is my Home,' through his + nose. He even is farther from home than any place I ever heard of. He + would be a good mate on a Mississippi river steamboat if he could swear, + and I guess he could soon learn. Now you take these cabbages and give me + ninety cents, and I will go home and borrow ten cents to make up the + dollar, and send my chum back with the horse and wagon and my resignation. + I was not cut out for a farmer. Talk about fishing, the only fish I saw + was a salt white fish we had for breakfast one morning, which was salted + by Noah, in the ark,” and while the grocery man was unloading the cabbages + the boy went off to look for his chum, and later the two boys were seen + driving off to the farm with two fishing poles sticking out of the hind + end of the wagon. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR—THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT + HENNERY'S RESIGNATION—HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES—HIS + CHUM JOINS HIM—THE SKUNK IN THE CELLAR—THE POOR BOY GETS + THE “AGER.” + </pre> + <p> + “Well, I swow, here comes a walking hospital,” said the grocery man as the + bad boy's shadow came in the store, followed by the boy, who looked sick + and yellow, and tired, and he had lost half his flesh. “What's the matter + with you? Haven't got the yellow fever, have you?” and the grocery man + placed a chair where the invalid could fall into it. + </p> + <p> + “No, got the ager,” said the boy as he wiped the perspiration off his + upper lip, and looked around the store to see if there was anything in + sight that would take the taste of quinine out of his mouth. “Had too much + dreamy life of ease on the farm, and been shaking ever since. Darn a farm + anyway.” + </p> + <p> + “What, you haven't been to work for the deacon any more, have you? I + thought you sent in your resignation;” and the grocery man offered the boy + some limberger cheese to strengthen him. + </p> + <p> + “O, take that cheese away,” said the boy, as he turned pale and gagged. + “You don't know what a sick person needs any more than a professional + nurse. What I want is to be petted. You see I went out to the farm with my + chum, and I took the fish-poles and remained in the woods while he drove + the horse to the deacon's; and he gave the deacon my resignation, and the + deacon wouldn't accept it. He said he would hold my resignation until + after harvest, and then act on it. He said he could put me in jail for + breach of promise, if I quit work and left him without giving proper + notice; and my chum came and told me, and so I concluded to go to work + rather than have any trouble, and the deacon said my chum could work a few + days for his board if he wanted to. It was pretty darn poor board for a + boy to work for, but my chum wanted to be with me, so he stayed. Pa and Ma + came out to the farm to stay a day or two to help. Pa was going to help + harvest, and Ma was going to help the deacon's wife, but Pa wanted to + carry the jug to the field, and lay under a tree while the rest of us + worked, and Ma just talked the arm off the deacon's wife. The deacon and + Pa laid in the shade and see my chum and me work, and Ma and the deacon's + wife gossipped so they forgot to get dinner, and my chum and me organized + a strike, but we were beaten by monopoly. Pa took me by the neck and + thrashed out a shock of wheat with my heels, and the deacon took my chum + and sat down on him, and we begged and they gave us our old situations + back. But we got even with them that night. I tell you, when a boy tries + to be good, and quit playing jokes on people, and then has everybody down + on him, and has his Pa hire him out on a farm to work for a deacon that + hasn't got any soul except when he is in church, and a boy has to get up + in the night to get breakfast and go to work, and has to work until late + at night, and they kick because he wants to put butter on his pancakes, + and feed him skim milk and rusty fat pork, it makes him tough, and he + would play a joke on his aged grandmother. After my chum and me had got + all the chores done that night, we sat out on a fence back of the house in + the orchard, eating green apples in the moonlight, and trying to think of + a plan of revenge. Just then I saw a skunk back of the house, right by the + outside cellar door, and I told my chum that it would serve them right to + drive the skunk down cellar and shut the door, but my chum said that would + be too mean. I asked him if it would be any meaner than for the deacon to + snatch us baldheaded because we couldn't mow hay away fast enough for two + men to pitch it, and he said it wouldn't, and so we got on each side of + the skunk and sort of scared it down cellar, and then we crept up softly + and closed the cellar doors. Then we went in the house and I whispered to + Ma and asked her if she didn't think the deacon had some cider, and Ma she + began to hint that she hadn't had a good drink of cider since last winter, + and the deacon's wife said us boys could take a pitcher and go down cellar + and draw some. That was too much. I didn't want any cider, anyway, so I + told them that I belonged to a temperance society, and I should break my + pledge if I drawed cider, and she said I was a good boy, for me never to + touch a drop of cider. Then she told my chum where the cider barrel was, + down cellar; but he ain't no slouch. He said he was afraid to go down + cellar in the dark, and so Pa said he and the deacon would go down and + draw the cider, and the deacon's wife asked Ma to go down too, and look at + the fruit and berries she had canned for winter, and they all went down + cellar. Pa carried an old tin lantern with holes in it, to light the + deacon to the cider barrel; and the deacon's wife had a taller candle to + show Ma the canned fruit. I tried to get Ma not to go, cause Ma is a + friend of mine, and I didn't want her to have anything to do with the + circus; but she said she guessed she knew her business. When anybody says + they guess they know their own business, that settles it with me, and I + don't try to argue with them. Well, my chum and me sat there in the + kitchen, and I stuffed a piece of red table cloth in my mouth to keep from + laughing, and my chum held his nose with his finger and thumb, so he + wouldn't snort right out. We could hear the cider run in the pitcher, and + then it stopped, and the deacon drank out of the pitcher, and then Pa did, + and then they drawed some more cider, and Ma and the deacon's wife were + talking about how much sugar it took to can fruit, and the deacon told Pa + to help himself out of a crock of fried cakes, and I heard the cover on + the crock rattle, and just then I heard the old tin lantern rattle on the + brick floor of the cellar, the deacon said 'Merciful goodness;' Pa said + 'Helen damnation, I am stabbed;' and Ma yelled 'goodness sakes alive;' and + then there was a lot of dishpans on the stairs begun to fall, and they all + tried to get up cellar at once, and they fell over each other; and O, my, + what a frowy smell came up to the kitchen from the cellar. It was enough + to kill anybody. Pa was the first to get to the head of the stairs, and he + stuck his head in the kitchen, and drew a long breath, and said '<i>whoosh!</i> + Hennery, your Pa is a mighty sick man.' The deacon came up next, and he + had run his head into a hanging shelf and broken a glass jar of + huckleberries, and they were all over him, and he said 'give me air. + Earth's but a desert drear.' Then Ma and the deacon's wife came up on a + gallop, and they looked tired. Pa began to peel off his coat and vest and + said he was going out to bury them, and Ma said he could bury her, too, + and I asked the deacon if he didn't notice a faint odor of sewer gas + coming from the cellar, and my chum said it smelled more to him as though + something had crawled in the cellar and died. Well, you never saw a sicker + crowd, and I felt sorry for Ma and the deacon, 'cause their false teeth + fell out, and I knew Ma couldn't gossip and the deacon couldn't talk sassy + without teeth. But you'd a dide to see Pa. He was mad, and thought the + deacon had put up the job on him, and he was going to knock the deacon out + in two rounds, when Ma said there was no use of getting mad about a + dispensation of providence, and Pa said one more such dispensation of + providence would just kill him on the spot. They finally got the house + aired, and my chum and me slept on the hay in the barn, after we had + opened the outside cellar door so the animal could get out, and the next + morning I had the fever and ague, and Pa and Ma brought me home, and I + have been firing quinine down my neck ever since. Pa says it is malaria, + but it is getting up before daylight in the morning and prowling around a + farm doing chores before it is time to do chores, and I don't want any + more farm. I thought at Sunday school last Sunday, when the superintendent + talked about the odor of sanctity that pervaded the house on that + beautiful morning, and looked at the deacon, that the deacon thought the + superintendent was referring to him and Pa, but may be it was an accident. + Well, I must go home and shoot another charge of quinine into me,” and the + boy went out as if he was on his last legs, though he acted as if he was + going to have a little fun while he did last. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Grocery Man And Peck's Bad Boy, by +George W. 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