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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2540.txt b/2540.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0aafb9e --- /dev/null +++ b/2540.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8287 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Father and Son, by Edmund Gosse + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Father and Son + +Author: Edmund Gosse + +Release Date: November 28, 2004 [eBook #2540] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FATHER AND SON*** + + + + +E-Text created by Martin Adamson +martin@grassmarket.freeserve.co.uk + + + + + +Father and Son + +A study of two temperaments + +by Edmund Gosse + + + +Der Glaube ist wie der Liebe: +Er Lasst sich nicht erzwingen. + +Schopenhauer + + +PREFACE + +AT the present hour, when fiction takes forms so ingenious and so +specious, it is perhaps necessary to say that the following +narrative, in all its parts, and so far as the punctilious +attention of the writer has been able to keep it so, is +scrupulously true. If it were not true, in this strict sense, to +publish it would be to trifle with all those who may be induced +to read it. It is offered to them as a _document_, as a record of +educational and religious conditions which, having passed away, +will never return. In this respect, as the diagnosis of a dying +Puritanism, it is hoped that the narrative will not be altogether +without significance. + +It offers, too, in a subsidiary sense, a study of the development +of moral and intellectual ideas during the progress of infancy. +These have been closely and conscientiously noted, and may have +some value in consequence of the unusual conditions in which they +were produced. The author has observed that those who have +written about the facts of their own childhood have usually +delayed to note them down until age has dimmed their +recollections. Perhaps an even more common fault in such +autobiographies is that they are sentimental, and are falsified +by self-admiration and self-pity. The writer of these +recollections has thought that if the examination of his earliest +years was to be undertaken at all, it should be attempted while +his memory is still perfectly vivid and while he is still +unbiased by the forgetfulness or the sensibility of advancing +years. + +At one point only has there been any tampering with precise fact. +It is believed that, with the exception of the Son, there is but +one person mentioned in this book who is still alive. +Nevertheless, it has been thought well, in order to avoid any +appearance of offence, to alter the majority of the proper names +of the private persons spoken of. + +It is not usual, perhaps, that the narrative of a spiritual +struggle should mingle merriment and humour with a discussion of +the most solemn subjects. It has, however, been inevitable that +they should be so mingled in this narrative. It is true that most +funny books try to be funny throughout, while theology is +scandalized if it awakens a single smile. But life is not +constituted thus, and this book is nothing if it is not a genuine +slice of life. There was an extraordinary mixture of comedy and +tragedy in the situation which is here described, and those who +are affected by the pathos of it will not need to have it +explained to them that the comedy was superficial and the tragedy +essential. + +September 1907 + +CHAPTER I + +THIS book is the record of a struggle between two temperaments, +two consciences and almost two epochs. It ended, as was +inevitable, in disruption. Of the two human beings here +described, one was born to fly backward, the other could not help +being carried forward. There came a time when neither spoke the +same language as the other, or encompassed the same hopes, or was +fortified by the same desires. But, at least, it is some +consolation to the survivor, that neither, to the very last hour, +ceased to respect the other, or to regard him with a sad +indulgence. + +The affection of these two persons was assailed by forces in +comparison with which the changes that health or fortune or place +introduce are as nothing. It is a mournful satisfaction, but yet +a satisfaction, that they were both of them able to obey the law +which says that ties of close family relationship must be +honoured and sustained. Had it not been so, this story would +never have been told. + +The struggle began soon, yet of course it did not begin in early +infancy. But to familiarize my readers with the conditions of the +two persons (which were unusual) and with the outlines of their +temperaments (which were, perhaps innately, antagonistic), it is +needful to open with some account of all that I can truly and +independently recollect, as well as with some statements which +are, as will be obvious, due to household tradition. + +My parents were poor gentlefolks; not young; solitary, sensitive, +and although they did not know it, proud. They both belonged to +what is called the Middle Class, and there was this further +resemblance between them that they each descended from families +which had been more than well-to-do in the eighteenth century, +and had gradually sunken in fortune. In both houses there had +been a decay of energy which had led to decay in wealth. In the +case of my Father's family it had been a slow decline; in that of +my Mother's, it had been rapid. My maternal grandfather was born +wealthy, and in the opening years of the nineteenth century, +immediately after his marriage, he bought a little estate in +North Wales, on the slopes of Snowdon. Here he seems to have +lived in a pretentious way, keeping a pack of hounds and +entertaining on an extravagant scale. He had a wife who +encouraged him in this vivid life, and three children, my Mother +and her two brothers. His best trait was his devotion to the +education of his children, in which he proclaimed himself a +disciple of Rousseau. But he can hardly have followed the +teaching of 'Emile' very closely, since he employed tutors to +teach his daughter, at an extremely early age, the very subjects +which Rousseau forbade, such as history, literature and foreign +languages. + +My Mother was his special favourite, and his vanity did its best +to make a bluestocking of her. She read Greek, Latin and even a +little Hebrew, and, what was more important, her mind was trained +to be self-supporting. But she was diametrically opposed in +essential matters to her easy-going, luxurious and self-indulgent +parents. Reviewing her life in her thirtieth year, she remarked +in some secret notes: 'I cannot recollect the time when I did not +love religion.' She used a still more remarkable expression: 'If +I must date my conversion from my first wish and trial to be +holy, I may go back to infancy; if I am to postpone it till after +my last wilful sin, it is scarcely yet begun.' The irregular +pleasures of her parents' life were deeply distasteful to her, as +such were to many young persons in those days of the wide revival +of Conscience, and when my grandfather, by his reckless +expenditure, which he never checked till ruin was upon him, was +obliged to sell his estate, and live in penury, my Mother was the +only member of the family who did not regret the change. For my +own part, I believe I should have liked my reprobate maternal +grandfather, but his conduct was certainly very vexatious. He +died, in his eightieth year, when I was nine months old. + +It was a curious coincidence that life had brought both my +parents along similar paths to an almost identical position in +respect to religious belief. She had started from the Anglican +standpoint, he from the Wesleyan, and each, almost without +counsel from others, and after varied theological experiments, +had come to take up precisely the same attitude towards all +divisions of the Protestant Church--that, namely, of detached and +unbiased contemplation. So far as the sects agreed with my Father +and my Mother, the sects were walking in the light; wherever they +differed from them, they had slipped more or less definitely into +a penumbra of their own making, a darkness into which neither of +my parents would follow them. Hence, by a process of selection, +my Father and my Mother alike had gradually, without violence, +found themselves shut outside all Protestant communions, and at +last they met only with a few extreme Calvinists like themselves, +on terms of what may almost be called negation--with no priest, no +ritual, no festivals, no ornament of any kind, nothing but the +Lord's Supper and the exposition of Holy Scripture drawing these +austere spirits into any sort of cohesion. They called themselves +'the Brethren', simply; a title enlarged by the world outside +into 'Plymouth Brethren'. + +It was accident and similarity which brought my parents together +at these meetings of the Brethren. Each was lonely, each was +poor, each was accustomed to a strenuous intellectual self- +support. He was nearly thirty-eight, she was past forty-two, when +they married. From a suburban lodging, he brought her home to his +mother's little house in the northeast of London without a +single day's honeymoon. My Father was a zoologist, and a writer +of books on natural history; my Mother also was a writer, author +already of two slender volumes of religious verse--the earlier of +which, I know not how, must have enjoyed some slight success, +since a second edition was printed--afterwards she devoted her +pen to popular works of edification. But how infinitely removed +in their aims, their habits, their ambitions from 'literary' +people of the present day, words are scarcely adequate to +describe. Neither knew nor cared about any manifestation of +current literature. For each there had been no poet later than +Byron, and neither had read a romance since, in childhood, they +had dipped into the Waverley Novels as they appeared in +succession. For each the various forms of imaginative and +scientific literature were merely means of improvement and +profit, which kept the student 'out of the world', gave him full +employment, and enabled him to maintain himself. But pleasure was +found nowhere but in the Word of God, and to the endless +discussion of the Scriptures each hurried when the day's work was +over. + +In this strange household the advent of a child was not welcomed, +but was borne with resignation. The event was thus recorded in my +Father's diary: + +'E. delivered of a son. Received green swallow from Jamaica.' + +This entry has caused amusement, as showing that he was as much +interested in the bird as in the boy. But this does not follow; +what the wording exemplifies is my Father's extreme punctilio. +The green swallow arrived later in the day than the son, and the +earlier visitor was therefore recorded first; my Father was +scrupulous in every species of arrangement. + +Long afterwards, my Father told me that my Mother suffered much +in giving birth to me, and that, uttering no cry, I appeared to +be dead. I was laid, with scant care, on another bed in the room, +while all anxiety and attention were concentrated on my Mother. +An old woman who happened to be there, and who was unemployed, +turned her thoughts to me, and tried to awake in me a spark of +vitality. She succeeded, and she was afterwards complimented by +the doctor on her cleverness. My Father could not--when he told +me the story--recollect the name of my preserver. I have often +longed to know who she was. For all the rapture of life, for all +its turmoils, its anxious desires, its manifold pleasures, and +even for its sorrow and suffering, I bless and praise that +anonymous old lady from the bottom of my heart. + +It was six weeks before my Mother was able to leave her room. The +occasion was made a solemn one, and was attended by a species of +Churching. Mr. Balfour, a valued minister of the denomination, +held a private service in the parlour, and 'prayed for our child, +that he may be the Lord's'. This was the opening act of that +'dedication' which was never henceforward forgotten, and of which +the following pages will endeavour to describe the results. +Around my tender and unconscious spirit was flung the luminous +web, the light and elastic but impermeable veil, which it was +hoped would keep me 'unspotted from the world'. + +Until this time my Father's mother had lived in the house and +taken the domestic charges of it on her own shoulders. She now +consented to leave us to ourselves. There is no question that her +exodus was a relief to my Mother, since my paternal grandmother +was a strong and masterful woman, buxom, choleric and practical, +for whom the interests of the mind did not exist. Her daughter- +in-law, gentle as she was, and ethereal in manner and appearance-- +strangely contrasted (no doubt), in her tinctures of gold hair +and white skin, with my grandmother's bold carnations and black +tresses--was yet possessed of a will like tempered steel. They +were better friends apart, with my grandmother lodged hard by, in +a bright room, her household gods and bits of excellent +eighteenth-century furniture around her, her miniatures and +sparkling china arranged on shelves. + +Left to my Mother's sole care, I became the centre of her +solicitude. But there mingled with those happy animal instincts +which sustain the strength and patience of every human mother and +were fully present with her--there mingled with these certain +spiritual determinations which can be but rare. They are, in +their outline, I suppose, vaguely common to many religious +mothers, but there are few indeed who fill up the sketch with so +firm a detail as she did. Once again I am indebted to her secret +notes, in a little locked volume, seen until now, nearly sixty +years later, by no eye save her own. Thus she wrote when I was +two months old: + +'We have given him to the Lord; and we trust that He will really +manifest him to be His own, if he grow up; and if the Lord take +him early, we will not doubt that he is taken to Himself. Only, +if it please the Lord to take him, I do trust we may be spared +seeing him suffering in lingering illness and much pain. But in +this as in all things His will is better than what we can choose. +Whether his life be prolonged or not, it has already been a +blessing to us, and to the saints, in leading us to much prayer, +and bringing us into varied need and some trial.' + +The last sentence is somewhat obscure to me. How, at that tender +age, I contrived to be a blessing 'to the saints' may surprise +others and puzzles myself. But 'the saints' was the habitual term +by which were indicated the friends who met on Sunday mornings +for Holy Communion, and at many other times in the week for +prayer and discussion of the Scriptures, in the small hired hall +at Hackney, which my parents attended. I suppose that the solemn +dedication of me to the Lord, which was repeated in public in my +Mother's arms, being by no means a usual or familiar ceremony +even among the Brethren, created a certain curiosity and fervour +in the immediate services, or was imagined so to do by the fond, +partial heart of my Mother. She, however, who had been so much +isolated, now made the care of her child an excuse for retiring +still further into silence. With those religious persons who met +at the Room, as the modest chapel was called, she had little +spiritual, and no intellectual, sympathy. She noted: + +'I do not think it would increase my happiness to be in the midst +of the saints at Hackney. I have made up my mind to give myself +up to Baby for the winter, and to accept no invitations. To go +when I can to the Sunday morning meetings and to see my own +Mother.' + +The monotony of her existence now became extreme, but she seems +to have been happy. Her days were spent in taking care of me, and +in directing one young servant. My Father was forever in his +study, writing, drawing, dissecting; sitting, no doubt, as I grew +afterwards accustomed to see him, absolutely motionless, with his +eye glued to the microscope, for twenty minutes at a time. So the +greater part of every weekday was spent, and on Sunday he +usually preached one, and sometimes two extempore sermons. His +workday labours were rewarded by the praise of the learned +world, to which he was indifferent, but by very little money, +which he needed more. For over three years after their marriage, +neither of my parents left London for a single day, not being +able to afford to travel. They received scarcely any visitors, +never ate a meal away from home, never spent an evening in social +intercourse abroad. At night they discussed theology, read aloud +to one another, or translated scientific brochures from French or +German. It sounds a terrible life of pressure and deprivation, +and that it was physically unwholesome there can be no shadow of +a doubt. But their contentment was complete and unfeigned. In the +midst of this, materially, the hardest moment of their lives, +when I was one year old, and there was a question of our leaving +London, my Mother recorded in her secret notes: + +'We are happy and contented, having all things needful and +pleasant, and our present habitation is hallowed by many sweet +associations. We have our house to ourselves and enjoy each +other's society. If we move we shall no longer be alone. The +situation may be more favourable, however, for Baby, as being +more in the country. I desire to have no choice in the matter, +but as I know not what would be for our good, and God knows, so I +desire to leave it with Him, and if it is not His will we should +move, He will raise objections and difficulties, and if it is His +will He will make Henry [my Father] desirous and anxious to take +the step, and then, whatever the result, let us leave all to Him +and not regret it.' + +No one who is acquainted with the human heart will mistake this +attitude of resignation for weakness of purpose. It was not +poverty of will, it was abnegation, it was a voluntary act. My +Mother, underneath an exquisite amenity of manner, concealed a +rigour of spirit which took the form of a constant self-denial. +For it to dawn upon her consciousness that she wished for +something, was definitely to renounce that wish, or, more +exactly, to subject it in every thing to what she conceived to be +the will of God. + +This is perhaps the right moment for me to say that at this time, +and indeed until the hour of her death, she exercised, without +suspecting it, a magnetic power over the will and nature of my +Father. Both were strong, but my Mother was unquestionably the +stronger of the two; it was her mind which gradually drew his to +take up a certain definite position, and this remained permanent +although she, the cause of it, was early removed. Hence, while it +was with my Father that the long struggle which I have to narrate +took place, behind my Father stood the ethereal memory of my +Mother's will, guiding him, pressing him, holding him to the +unswerving purpose which she had formed and defined. And when the +inevitable disruption came, what was unspeakably painful was to +realize that it was not from one, but from both parents that the +purpose of the child was separated. + +My Mother was a Puritan in grain, and never a word escaped her, +not a phrase exists in her diary, to suggest that she had any +privations to put up with. She seemed strong and well, and so did +I; the one of us who broke down was my Father. With his attack of +acute nervous dyspepsia came an unexpected small accession of +money, and we were able, in my third year, to take a holiday of +nearly ten months in Devonshire. The extreme seclusion, the +unbroken strain, were never repeated, and when we returned to +London, it was to conditions of greater amenity and to a less +rigid practice of 'the world forgetting by the world forgot'. +That this relaxation was more relative than positive, and that +nothing ever really tempted either of my parents from their +cavern in an intellectual Thebaid, my recollections will amply +prove. But each of them was forced by circumstances into a more +or less public position, and neither could any longer quite +ignore the world around. + +It is not my business here to re-write the biographies of my +parents. Each of them became, in a certain measure, celebrated, +and each was the subject of a good deal of contemporary +discussion. Each was prominent before the eyes of a public of his +or her own, half a century ago. It is because their minds were +vigorous and their accomplishments distinguished that the +contrast between their spiritual point of view and the aspect of +a similar class of persons today is interesting and may, I hope, +be instructive. But this is not another memoir of public +individuals, each of whom has had more than one biographer. My +serious duty, as I venture to hold it, is other; + + that's the world's side, + Thus men saw them, praised them, thought they knew them! + There, in turn, I stood aside and praised them! + Out of my own self, I dare to phrase it. + +But this is a different inspection, this is a study of + + the other side, the novel + Silent silver lights and darks undreamed of, + +the record of a state of soul once not uncommon in Protestant +Europe, of which my parents were perhaps the latest consistent +exemplars among people of light and leading. + +The peculiarities of a family life, founded upon such principles, +are, in relation to a little child, obvious; but I may be +permitted to recapitulate them. Here was perfect purity, perfect +intrepidity, perfect abnegation; yet there was also narrowness, +isolation, an absence of perspective, let it be boldly admitted, +an absence of humanity. And there was a curious mixture of +humbleness and arrogance; entire resignation to the will of God +and not less entire disdain of the judgement and opinion of man. +My parents founded every action, every attitude, upon their +interpretation of the Scriptures, and upon the guidance of the +Divine Will as revealed to them by direct answer to prayer. Their +ejaculation in the face of any dilemma was, 'Let us cast it +before the Lord!' + +So confident were they of the reality of their intercourse with +God, that they asked for no other guide. They recognized no +spiritual authority among men, they subjected themselves to no +priest or minister, they troubled their consciences about no +current manifestation of 'religious opinion'. They lived in an +intellectual cell, bounded at its sides by the walls of their own +house, but open above to the very heart of the uttermost heavens. + +This, then, was the scene in which the soul of a little child was +planted, not as in an ordinary open flower-border or carefully +tended social _parterre_, but as on a ledge, split in the granite +of some mountain. The ledge was hung between night and the snows +on one hand, and the dizzy depths of the world upon the other; +was furnished with just soil enough for a gentian to struggle +skywards and open its stiff azure stars; and offered no +lodgement, no hope of salvation, to any rootlet which should +stray beyond its inexorable limits. + + +CHAPTER II + +OUT of the darkness of my infancy there comes only one flash of +memory. I am seated alone, in my baby-chair, at a dinner-table +set for several people. Somebody brings in a leg of mutton, puts +it down close to me, and goes out. I am again alone, gazing at +two low windows, wide open upon a garden. Suddenly, noiselessly, +a large, long animal (obviously a greyhound) appears at one +window-sill, slips into the room, seizes the leg of mutton and +slips out again. When this happened I could not yet talk. The +accomplishment of speech came to me very late, doubtless because +I never heard young voices. Many years later, when I mentioned +this recollection, there was a shout of laughter and surprise: +'That, then, was what became of the mutton! It was not you, who, +as your Uncle A. pretended, ate it up, in the twinkling of an +eye, bone and all!' + +I suppose that it was the startling intensity of this incident +which stamped it upon a memory from which all other impressions +of this early date have vanished. + +The adventure of the leg of mutton occurred, evidently, at the +house of my Mother's brothers, for my parents, at this date, +visited no other. My uncles were not religious men, but they had +an almost filial respect for my Mother, who was several years +senior to the elder of them. When the catastrophe of my +grandfather's fortune had occurred, they had not yet left school. +My Mother, in spite of an extreme dislike of teaching, which was +native to her, immediately accepted the situation of a governess +in the family of an Irish nobleman. The mansion was only to be +approached, as Miss Edgeworth would have said, 'through eighteen +sloughs, at the imminent peril of one's life', and when one had +reached it, the mixture of opulence and squalor, of civility and +savagery, was unspeakable. But my Mother was well paid, and she +stayed in this distasteful environment, doing the work she hated +most, while with the margin of her salary she helped first one of +her brothers and then the other through his Cambridge course. +They studied hard and did well at the university. At length their +sister received, in her 'ultima Thule', news that her younger +brother had taken his degree, and then and there, with a sigh of +intense relief, she resigned her situation and came straight back +to England. + +It is not to be wondered at, then, that my uncles looked up to +their sister with feelings of especial devotion. They were not +inclined, they were hardly in a position, to criticize her modes +of thought. They were easy-going, cultured and kindly gentlemen, +rather limited in their views, without a trace of their sister's +force of intellect or her strenuous temper. E. resembled her in +person, he was tall, fair, with auburn curls; he cultivated a +certain tendency to the Byronic type, fatal and melancholy. A. +was short, brown and jocose, with a pretension to common sense; +bluff and chatty. As a little child, I adored my Uncle E., who +sat silent by the fireside holding me against his knee, saying +nothing, but looking unutterably sad, and occasionally shaking +his warm-coloured tresses. With great injustice, on the other +hand, I detested my Uncle A., because he used to joke in a manner +very displeasing to me, and because he would so far forget +himself as to chase, and even, if it will be credited, to tickle +me. My uncles, who remained bachelors to the end of their lives, +earned a comfortable living; E. by teaching, A. as 'something in +the City', and they rented an old rambling house in Clapton, that +same in which I saw the greyhound. Their house had a strange, +delicious smell, so unlike anything I smelt anywhere else, that +it used to fill my eyes with tears of mysterious pleasure. I know +now that this was the odour of cigars, tobacco being a species of +incense tabooed at home on the highest religious grounds. + +It has been recorded that I was slow in learning to speak. I used +to be told that having met all invitations to repeat such words +as 'Papa' and 'Mamma' with gravity and indifference, I one day +drew towards me a volume, and said 'book' with startling +distinctness. I was not at all precocious, but at a rather early +age, I think towards the beginning of my fourth year, I learned +to read. I cannot recollect a time when a printed page of English +was closed to me. But perhaps earlier still my Mother used to +repeat to me a poem which I have always taken for granted that +she had herself composed, a poem which had a romantic place in my +early mental history. It ran thus, I think: + + O pretty Moon, you shine so bright! + I'll go to bid Mamma good-night, + And then I'll lie upon my bed + And watch you move above my head. + + Ah! there, a cloud has hidden you! + But I can see your light shine thro'; + It tries to hide you--quite in vain, + For--there you quickly come again! + + It's God, I know, that makes you shine + Upon this little bed of mine; + But I shall all about you know + When I can read and older grow. + +Long, long after the last line had become an anachronism, I used +to shout this poem from my bed before I went to sleep, whether +the night happened to be moonlit or no. + +It must have been my Father who taught me my letters. To my +Mother, as I have said, it was distasteful to teach, though she +was so prompt and skillful to learn. My Father, on the contrary, +taught cheerfully, by fits and starts. In particular, he had a +scheme for rationalizing geography, which I think was admirable. +I was to climb upon a chair, while, standing at my side, with a +pencil and a sheet of paper, he was to draw a chart of the +markings on the carpet. Then, when I understood the system, +another chart on a smaller scale of the furniture in the room, +then of a floor of the house, then of the back-garden, then of a +section of the street. The result of this was that geography came +to me of itself, as a perfectly natural miniature arrangement of +objects, and to this day has always been the science which gives +me least difficulty. My father also taught me the simple rules of +arithmetic, a little natural history, and the elements of +drawing; and he laboured long and unsuccessfully to make me learn +by heart hymns, psalms and chapters of Scripture, in which I +always failed ignominiously and with tears. This puzzled and +vexed him, for he himself had an extremely retentive textual +memory. He could not help thinking that I was naughty, and would +not learn the chapters, until at last he gave up the effort. All +this sketch of an education began, I believe, in my fourth year, +and was not advanced or modified during the rest of my Mother's +life. + +Meanwhile, capable as I was of reading, I found my greatest +pleasure in the pages of books. The range of these was limited, +for story-books of every description were sternly excluded. No +fiction of any kind, religious or secular, was admitted into the +house. In this it was to my Mother, not to my Father, that the +prohibition was due. She had a remarkable, I confess to me still +somewhat unaccountable impression that to 'tell a story', that +is, to compose fictitious narrative of any kind, was a sin. She +carried this conviction to extreme lengths. My Father, in later +years, gave me some interesting examples of her firmness. As a +young man in America, he had been deeply impressed by +'Salathiel', a pious prose romance by that then popular writer, +the Rev. George Croly. When he first met my Mother, he +recommended it to her, but she would not consent to open it. Nor +would she read the chivalrous tales in verse of Sir Walter Scott, +obstinately alleging that they were not 'true'. She would read +none but lyrical and subjective poetry. Her secret diary reveals +the history of this singular aversion to the fictitious, although +it cannot be said to explain the cause of it. As a child, +however, she had possessed a passion for making up stories, and +so considerable a skill in it that she was constantly being +begged to indulge others with its exercise. But I will, on so +curious a point, leave her to speak for herself: + +'When I was a very little child, I used to amuse myself and my +brothers with inventing stories, such as I read. Having, as I +suppose, naturally a restless mind and busy imagination, this +soon became the chief pleasure of my life. Unfortunately, my +brothers were always fond of encouraging this propensity, and I +found in Taylor, my maid, a still greater tempter. I had not +known there was any harm in it, until Miss Shore [a Calvinist +governess], finding it out, lectured me severely, and told me it +was wicked. From that time forth I considered that to invent a +story of any kind was a sin. But the desire to do so was too +deeply rooted in my affections to be resisted in my own strength +[she was at that time nine years of age], and unfortunately I knew +neither my corruption nor my weakness, nor did I know where to +gain strength. The longing to invent stories grew with violence; +everything I heard or read became food for my distemper. The +simplicity of truth was not sufficient for me; I must needs +embroider imagination upon it, and the folly, vanity and +wickedness which disgraced my heart are more than I am able to +express. Even now [at the age of twenty-nine], tho' watched, +prayed and striven against, this is still the sin that most +easily besets me. It has hindered my prayers and prevented my +improvement, and therefore, has humbled me very much.' + +This is, surely, a very painful instance of the repression of an +instinct. There seems to have been, in this case, a vocation such +as is rarely heard, and still less often wilfully disregarded and +silenced. Was my Mother intended by nature to be a novelist? I +have often thought so, and her talents and vigour of purpose, +directed along the line which was ready to form 'the chief +pleasure of her life', could hardly have failed to conduct her to +great success. She was a little younger than Bulwer Lytton, a +little older than Mrs. Gaskell--but these are vain and trivial +speculations! + +My own state, however, was, I should think, almost unique among +the children of cultivated parents. In consequence of the stern +ordinance which I have described, not a single fiction was read +or told to me during my infancy. The rapture of the child who +delays the process of going to bed by cajoling 'a story' out of +his mother or his nurse, as he sits upon her knee, well tucked +up, at the corner of the nursery fire--this was unknown to me. +Never in all my early childhood did anyone address to me the +affecting preamble, 'Once upon a time!' I was told about +missionaries, but never about pirates; I was familiar with +hummingbirds, but I had never heard of fairies--Jack the Giant- +Killer, Rumpelstiltskin and Robin Hood were not of my +acquaintance; and though I understood about wolves, Little Red +Ridinghood was a stranger even by name. So far as my 'dedication' +was concerned, I can but think that my parents were in error thus +to exclude the imaginary from my outlook upon facts. They desired +to make me truthful; the tendency was to make me positive and +sceptical. Had they wrapped me in the soft folds of supernatural +fancy, my mind might have been longer content to follow their +traditions in an unquestioning spirit. + +Having easily said what, in those early years, I did not read, I +have great difficulty in saying what I did read. But a queer +variety of natural history, some of it quite indigestible by my +undeveloped mind; many books of travels, mainly of a scientific +character, among them voyages of discovery in the South Seas, by +which my brain was dimly filled with splendour; some geography +and astronomy, both of them sincerely enjoyed; much theology, +which I desired to appreciate but could never get my teeth into +(if I may venture to say so), and over which my eye and tongue +learned to slip without penetrating, so that I would read, and +read aloud, and with great propriety of emphasis, page after page +without having formed an idea or retained an expression. There +was, for instance, a writer on prophecy called Jukes, of whose +works each of my parents was inordinately fond, and I was early +set to read Jukes aloud to them. I did it glibly, like a machine, +but the sight of Jukes' volumes became an abomination to me, and +I never formed the outline of a notion what they were about. +Later on, a publication called _The Penny Cyclopaedia_ became my +daily, and for a long time almost my sole study; to the subject +of this remarkable work I may presently return. + +It is difficult to keep anything like chronological order in +recording fragments of early recollection, and in speaking of my +reading I have been led too far ahead. My memory does not, +practically, begin till we returned from certain visits, made +with a zoological purpose, to the shores of Devon and Dorset, and +settled, early in my fifth year, in a house at Islington, in the +north of London. Our circumstances were now more easy; my Father +had regular and well-paid literary work; and the house was larger +and more comfortable than ever before, though still very simple +and restricted. My memories, some of which are exactly dated by +certain facts, now become clear and almost abundant. What I do +not remember, except from having it very often repeated to me, +is what may be considered the only 'clever' thing that I said +during an otherwise unillustrious childhood. It was not +startlingly 'clever', but it may pass. A lady--when I was just +four--rather injudiciously showed me a large print of a human +skeleton, saying, 'There! you don't know what that is, do you?' +Upon which, immediately and very archly, I replied, 'Isn't it a +man with the meat off?' This was thought wonderful, and, as it is +supposed that I had never had the phenomenon explained to me, it +certainly displays some quickness in seizing an analogy. I had +often watched my Father, while he soaked the flesh off the bones +of fishes and small mammals. If I venture to repeat this trifle, +it is only to point out that the system on which I was being +educated deprived all things, human life among the rest, of their +mystery. The 'bare-grinning skeleton of death' was to me merely a +prepared specimen of that featherless plantigrade vertebrate, +'homo sapiens'. + +As I have said that this anecdote was thought worth repeating, I +ought to proceed to say that there was, so far as I can +recollect, none of that flattery of childhood which is so often +merely a backhanded way of indulging the vanity of parents. My +Mother, indeed, would hardly have been human if she had not +occasionally entertained herself with the delusion that her +solitary duckling was a cygnet. This my Father did not encourage, +remarking, with great affection, and chucking me under the chin, +that I was 'a nice little ordinary boy'. My Mother, stung by this +want of appreciation, would proceed so far as to declare that she +believed that in future times the F.R.S. would be chiefly known +as his son's father! (This is a pleasantry frequent in +professional families.) + +To this my Father, whether convinced or not, would make no demur, +and the couple would begin to discuss, in my presence, the +direction which my shining talents would take. In consequence of +my dedication to 'the Lord's Service', the range of possibilities +was much restricted. My Father, who had lived long in the +Tropics, and who nursed a perpetual nostalgia for 'the little +lazy isles where the trumpet-orchids blow', leaned towards the +field of missionary labour. My Mother, who was cold about foreign +missions, preferred to believe that I should be the Charles +Wesley of my age, 'or perhaps', she had the candour to admit, +'merely the George Whitefield'. I cannot recollect the time when +I did not understand that I was going to be a minister of the +Gospel. + +It is so generally taken for granted that a life strictly +dedicated to religion is stiff and dreary, that I may have some +difficulty in persuading my readers that, as a matter of fact, in +these early days of my childhood, before disease and death had +penetrated to our slender society, we were always cheerful and +often gay. My parents were playful with one another, and there +were certain stock family jests which seldom failed to enliven +the breakfast table. My Father and Mother lived so completely in +the atmosphere of faith, and were so utterly convinced of their +intercourse with God, that, so long as that intercourse was not +clouded by sin, to which they were delicately sensitive, they +could afford to take the passing hour very lightly. They would +even, to a certain extent, treat the surroundings of their +religion as a subject of jest, joking very mildly and gently +about such things as an attitude at prayer or the nature of a +supplication. They were absolutely indifferent to forms. They +prayed, seated in their chairs, as willingly as, reversed, upon +their knees; no ritual having any significance for them. My +Mother was sometimes extremely gay, laughing with a soft, merry +sound. What I have since been told of the guileless mirth of nuns +in a convent has reminded me of the gaiety of my parents during +my early childhood. + +So long as I was a mere part of them, without individual +existence, and swept on, a satellite, in their atmosphere, I was +mirthful when they were mirthful, and grave when they were grave. +The mere fact that I had no young companions, no storybooks, no +outdoor amusements, none of the thousand and one employments +provided for other children in more conventional surroundings, +did not make me discontented or fretful, because I did not know +of the existence of such entertainments. In exchange, I became +keenly attentive to the limited circle of interests open to me. +Oddly enough, I have no recollection of any curiosity about other +children, nor of any desire to speak to them or play with them. +They did not enter into my dreams, which were occupied entirely +with grown-up people and animals. I had three dolls, to whom my +attitude was not very intelligible. Two of these were female, one +with a shapeless face of rags, the other in wax. But, in my fifth +year, when the Crimean War broke out, I was given a third doll, a +soldier, dressed very smartly in a scarlet cloth tunic. I used to +put the dolls on three chairs, and harangue them aloud, but my +sentiment to them was never confidential, until our maid-servant +one day, intruding on my audience, and misunderstanding the +occasion of it, said: 'What? a boy, and playing with a soldier +when he's got two lady-dolls to play with?' I had never thought +of my dolls as confidants before, but from that time forth I paid +a special attention to the soldier, in order to make up to him +for Lizzie's unwarrantable insult. + +The declaration of war with Russia brought the first breath of +outside life into our Calvinist cloister. My parents took in a +daily newspaper, which they had never done before, and events in +picturesque places, which my Father and I looked out on the map, +were eagerly discussed. One of my vividest early memories can be +dated exactly. I was playing about the house, and suddenly burst +into the breakfast-room, where, close to the door, sat an amazing +figure, a very tall young man, as stiff as my doll, in a gorgeous +scarlet tunic. Quite far away from him, at her writing-table, my +Mother sat with her Bible open before her, and was urging the +gospel plan of salvation on his acceptance. She promptly told me +to run away and play, but I had seen a great sight. This +guardsman was in the act of leaving for the Crimea, and his +adventures,--he was converted in consequence of my Mother's +instruction,--were afterwards told by her in a tract, called 'The +Guardsman of the Alma', of which I believe that more than half a +million copies were circulated. He was killed in that battle, and +this added an extraordinary lustre to my dream of him. I see him +still in my mind's eye, large, stiff, and unspeakably brilliant, +seated, from respect, as near as possible to our parlour door. +This apparition gave reality to my subsequent conversations with +the soldier doll. + +That same victory of the Alma, which was reported in London on my +fifth birthday, is also marked very clearly in my memory by a +family circumstance. We were seated at breakfast, at our small +round table drawn close up to the window, my Father with his back +to the light. Suddenly, he gave a sort of cry, and read out the +opening sentences from _The Times_ announcing a battle in the +valley of the Alma. No doubt the strain of national anxiety had +been very great, for both he and my Mother seemed deeply excited. +He broke off his reading when the fact of the decisive victory +was assured, and he and my Mother sank simultaneously on their +knees in front of their tea and bread-and-butter, while in a loud +voice my Father gave thanks to the God of Battles. This +patriotism was the more remarkable, in that he had schooled +himself, as he believed, to put his 'heavenly citizenship' above +all earthly duties. To those who said: 'Because you are a +Christian, surely you are not less an Englishman?' he would reply +by shaking his head, and by saying: 'I am a citizen of no earthly +State'. He did not realize that, in reality, and to use a cant +phrase not yet coined in 1854, there existed in Great Britain no +more thorough 'Jingo' than he. + +Another instance of the remarkable way in which the interests of +daily life were mingled in our strange household, with the +practice of religion, made an impression upon my memory. We had +all three been much excited by a report that a certain dark +geometer-moth, generated in underground stables, had been met +with in Islington. Its name, I think is, 'Boletobia fuliginaria', +and I believe that it is excessively rare in England. We were +sitting at family prayers, on a summer morning, I think in 1855, +when through the open window a brown moth came sailing. My Mother +immediately interrupted the reading of the Bible by saying to my +Father, 'O! Henry, do you think that can be "Boletobia"?' My +Father rose up from the sacred book, examined the insect, which +had now perched, and replied: 'No! it is only the common +Vapourer, "Orgyia antiqua"!', resuming his seat, and the +exposition of the Word, without any apology or embarrassment. + +In the course of this, my sixth year, there happened a series of +minute and soundless incidents which, elementary as they may seem +when told, were second in real importance to none in my mental +history. The recollection of them confirms me in the opinion that +certain leading features in each human soul are inherent to it, +and cannot be accounted for by suggestion or training. In my own +case, I was most carefully withdrawn, like Princess Blanchefleur +in her marble fortress, from every outside influence whatever, +yet to me the instinctive life came as unexpectedly as her lover +came to her in the basket of roses. What came to me was the +consciousness of self, as a force and as a companion, and it came +as the result of one or two shocks, which I will relate. + +In consequence of hearing so much about an Omniscient God, a +being of supernatural wisdom and penetration who was always with +us, who made, in fact, a fourth in our company, I had come to +think of Him, not without awe, but with absolute confidence. My +Father and Mother, in their serene discipline of me, never argued +with one another, never even differed; their wills seemed +absolutely one. My Mother always deferred to my Father, and in +his absence spoke of him to me, as if he were all-wise. I +confused him in some sense with God; at all events I believed +that my Father knew everything and saw everything. One morning in +my sixth year, my Mother and I were alone in the morning-room, +when my Father came in and announced some fact to us. I was +standing on the rug, gazing at him, and when he made this +statement, I remember turning quickly, in embarrassment, and +looking into the fire. The shock to me was as that of a +thunderbolt, for what my Father had said 'was not true'. My +Mother and I, who had been present at the trifling incident, were +aware that it had not happened exactly as it had been reported to +him. My Mother gently told him so, and he accepted the +correction. Nothing could possibly have been more trifling to my +parents, but to me it meant an epoch. Here was the appalling +discovery, never suspected before, that my Father was not as God, +and did not know everything. The shock was not caused by any +suspicion that he was not telling the truth, as it appeared to +him, but by the awful proof that he was not, as I had supposed, +omniscient. + +This experience was followed by another, which confirmed the +first, but carried me a great deal further. In our little +back-garden, my Father had built up a rockery for ferns and mosses +and from the water-supply of the house he had drawn a leaden pipe +so that it pierced upwards through the rockery and produced, when +a tap was turned, a pretty silvery parasol of water. The pipe was +exposed somewhere near the foot of the rockery. One day, two +workmen, who were doing some repairs, left their tools during the +dinner-hour in the back-garden, and as I was marching about I +suddenly thought that to see whether one of these tools could +make a hole in the pipe would be attractive. It did make such a +hole, quite easily, and then the matter escaped my mind. But a +day or two afterwards, when my Father came in to dinner, he was +very angry. He had turned the tap, and instead of the fountain +arching at the summit, there had been a rush of water through a +hole at the foot. The rockery was absolutely ruined. + +Of course I realized in a moment what I had done, and I sat +frozen with alarm, waiting to be denounced. But my Mother +remarked on the visit of the plumbers two or three days before, +and my Father instantly took up the suggestion. No doubt that was +it; the mischievous fellows had thought it amusing to stab the +pipe and spoil the fountain. No suspicion fell on me; no question +was asked of me. I sat there, turned to stone within, but +outwardly sympathetic and with unchecked appetite. + +We attribute, I believe, too many moral ideas to little children. +It is obvious that in this tremendous juncture I ought to have +been urged forward by good instincts, or held back by naughty +ones. But I am sure that the fear which I experienced for a short +time, and which so unexpectedly melted away, was a purely +physical one. It had nothing to do with the motions of a contrite +heart. As to the destruction of the fountain, I was sorry about +that, for my own sake, since I admired the skipping water +extremely and had had no idea that I was spoiling its display. +But the emotions which now thronged within me, and which led me, +with an almost unwise alacrity, to seek solitude in the back- +garden, were not moral at all, they were intellectual. I was not +ashamed of having successfully--and so surprisingly--deceived my +parents by my crafty silence; I looked upon that as a +providential escape, and dismissed all further thought of it. I +had other things to think of. + +In the first place, the theory that my Father was omniscient or +infallible was now dead and buried. He probably knew very little; +in this case he had not known a fact of such importance that if +you did not know that, it could hardly matter what you knew. My +Father, as a deity, as a natural force of immense prestige, fell +in my eyes to a human level. In future, his statements about +things in general need not be accepted implicitly. But of all the +thoughts which rushed upon my savage and undeveloped little brain +at this crisis, the most curious was that I had found a companion +and a confidant in myself. There was a secret in this world and +it belonged to me and to a somebody who lived in the same body +with me. There were two of us, and we could talk with one +another. It is difficult to define impressions so rudimentary, +but it is certain that it was in this dual form that the sense of +my individuality now suddenly descended upon me, and it is +equally certain that it was a great solace to me to find a +sympathizer in my own breast. + +About this time, my Mother, carried away by the current of her +literary and her philanthropic work, left me more and more to my +own devices. She was seized with a great enthusiasm; as one of +her admirers and disciples has written, 'she went on her way, +sowing beside all waters'. I would not for a moment let it be +supposed that I regard her as a Mrs. Jellyby, or that I think she +neglected me. But a remarkable work had opened up before her; +after her long years in a mental hermitage, she was drawn forth +into the clamorous harvest-field of souls. She developed an +unexpected gift of persuasion over strangers whom she met in the +omnibus or in the train, and with whom she courageously grappled. +This began by her noting, with deep humility and joy, that 'I +have reason to judge the sound conversion to God of three young +persons within a few weeks, by the instrumentality of my +conversations with them'. At the same time, as another of her +biographers has said, 'those testimonies to the Blood of Christ, +the fruits of her pen, began to be spread very widely, even to +the most distant parts of the globe'. My Father, too, was at this +time at the height of his activity. After breakfast, each of them +was amply occupied, perhaps until night-fall; our evenings we +still always spent together. Sometimes my Mother took me with her +on her 'unknown day's employ'; I recollect pleasant rambles +through the City by her side, and the act of looking up at her +figure soaring above me. But when all was done, I had hours and +hours of complete solitude, in my Father's study, in the back- +garden, above all in the garret. + +The garret was a fairy place. It was a low lean-to, lighted from +the roof. It was wholly unfurnished, except for two objects, an +ancient hat-box and a still more ancient skin-trunk. The hat-box +puzzled me extremely, till one day, asking my Father what it was, +I got a distracted answer which led me to believe that it was +itself a sort of hat, and I made a laborious but repeated effort +to wear it. The skin-trunk was absolutely empty, but the inside +of the lid of it was lined with sheets of what I now know to have +been a sensational novel. It was, of course, a fragment, but I +read it, kneeling on the bare floor, with indescribable rapture. +It will be recollected that the idea of fiction, of a +deliberately invented story, had been kept from me with entire +success. I therefore implicitly believed the tale in the lid of +the trunk to be a true account of the sorrows of a lady of title, +who had to flee the country, and who was pursued into foreign +lands by enemies bent upon her ruin. Somebody had an interview +with a 'minion' in a 'mask'; I went downstairs and looked up +these words in Bailey's 'English Dictionary', but was left in +darkness as to what they had to do with the lady of title. This +ridiculous fragment filled me with delicious fears; I fancied +that my Mother, who was out so much, might be threatened by +dangers of the same sort; and the fact that the narrative came +abruptly to an end, in the middle of one of its most thrilling +sentences, wound me up almost to a disorder of wonder and +romance. + +The preoccupation of my parents threw me more and more upon my +own resources. But what are the resources of a solitary child of +six? I was never inclined to make friends with servants, nor did +our successive maids proffer, so far as I recollect, any +advances. Perhaps, with my 'dedication' and my grown-up ways of +talking, I did not seem to them at all an attractive little boy. +I continued to have no companions, or even acquaintances of my +own age. I am unable to recollect exchanging two words with +another child till after my Mother's death. + +The abundant energy which my Mother now threw into her public +work did not affect the quietude of our private life. We had some +visitors in the daytime, people who came to consult one parent +or the other. But they never stayed to a meal, and we never +returned their visits. I do not quite know how it was that +neither of my parents took me to any of the sights of London, +although I am sure it was a question of principle with them. +Notwithstanding all our study of natural history, I was never +introduced to live wild beasts at the Zoo, nor to dead ones at +the British Museum. I can understand better why we never visited +a picture-gallery or a concert-room. So far as I can recollect, +the only time I was ever taken to any place of entertainment was +when my Father and I paid a visit, long anticipated, to the Great +Globe in Leicester Square. This was a huge structure, the +interior of which one ascended by means of a spiral staircase. It +was a poor affair; that was concave in it which should have been +convex, and my imagination was deeply affronted. I could invent a +far better Great Globe than that in my mind's eye in the garret. + +Being so restricted, then, and yet so active, my mind took refuge +in an infantile species of natural magic. This contended with the +definite ideas of religion which my parents were continuing, with +too mechanical a persistency, to force into my nature, and it ran +parallel with them. I formed strange superstitions, which I can +only render intelligible by naming some concrete examples. I +persuaded myself that, if I could only discover the proper words +to say or the proper passes to make, I could induce the gorgeous +birds and butterflies in my Father's illustrated manuals to come +to life, and fly out of the book, leaving holes behind them. I +believed that, when, at the Chapel, we sang, drearily and slowly, +loud hymns of experience and humiliation, I could boom forth with +a sound equal to that of dozens of singers, if I could only hit +upon the formula. During morning and evening prayers, which were +extremely lengthy and fatiguing, I fancied that one of my two +selves could flit up, and sit clinging to the cornice, and look +down on my other self and the rest of us, if I could only find +the key. I laboured for hours in search of these formulas, +thinking to compass my ends by means absolutely irrational. For +example, I was convinced that if I could only count consecutive +numbers long enough, without losing one, I should suddenly, on +reaching some far-distant figure, find myself in possession of +the great secret. I feel quite sure that nothing external +suggested these ideas of magic, and I think it probable that they +approached the ideas of savages at a very early stage of +development. + +All this ferment of mind was entirely unobserved by my parents. +But when I formed the belief that it was necessary, for the +success of my practical magic, that I should hurt myself, and +when, as a matter of fact, I began, in extreme secrecy, to run +pins into my flesh and bang my joints with books, no one will be +surprised to hear that my Mother's attention was drawn to the +fact that I was looking 'delicate'. The notice nowadays +universally given to the hygienic rules of life was rare fifty +years ago and among deeply religious people, in particular, +fatalistic views of disease prevailed. If anyone was ill, it +showed that 'the Lord's hand was extended in chastisement', and +much prayer was poured forth in order that it might be explained +to the sufferer, or to his relations, in what he or they had +sinned. People would, for instance, go on living over a cess- +pool, working themselves up into an agony to discover how they +had incurred the displeasure of the Lord, but never moving away. +As I became very pale and nervous, and slept badly at nights, +with visions and loud screams in my sleep, I was taken to a +physician, who stripped me and tapped me all over (this gave me +some valuable hints for my magical practices), but could find +nothing the matter. He recommended,--whatever physicians in such +cases always recommend,--but nothing was done. If I was feeble it +was the Lord's will, and we must acquiesce. + +It culminated in a sort of fit of hysterics, when I lost all +self-control, and sobbed with tears, and banged my head on the +table. While this was proceeding, I was conscious of that dual +individuality of which I have already spoken, since while one +part of me gave way, and could not resist, the other part in some +extraordinary sense seemed standing aloof, much impressed. I was +alone with my Father when this crisis suddenly occurred, and I +was interested to see that he was greatly alarmed. It was a very +long time since we had spent a day out of London, and I said, on +being coaxed back to calmness, that I wanted 'to go into the +country'. Like the dying Falstaff, I babbled of green fields. My +Father, after a little reflection, proposed to take me to +Primrose Hill. I had never heard of the place, and names have +always appealed directly to my imagination. I was in the highest +degree delighted, and could hardly restrain my impatience. As +soon as possible we set forth westward, my hand in my Father's, +with the liveliest anticipations. I expected to see a mountain +absolutely carpeted with primroses, a terrestrial galaxy like +that which covered the hill that led up to Montgomery Castle in +Donne's poem. But at length, as we walked from the Chalk Farm +direction, a miserable acclivity stole into view--surrounded, +even in those days, on most sides by houses, with its grass worn +to the buff by millions of boots, and resembling what I meant by +'the country' about as much as Poplar resembles Paradise. We sat +down on a bench at its inglorious summit, whereupon I burst into +tears, and in a heart-rending whisper sobbed, 'Oh! Papa, let us +go home!' + +This was the lachrymose epoch in a career not otherwise given to +weeping, for I must tell one more tale of tears. About this +time,--the autumn of 1855,--my parents were disturbed more than +once in the twilight, after I had been put to bed, by shrieks +from my crib. They would rush up to my side, and find me in great +distress, but would be unable to discover the cause of it. The +fact was that I was half beside myself with ghostly fears, +increased and pointed by the fact that there had been some daring +burglaries on our street. Our servant-maid, who slept at the top +of the house, had seen, or thought she saw, upon a moonlight +night the figure of a crouching man, silhouetted against the sky, +slip down from the roof and leap into her room. She screamed, and +he fled away. Moreover, as if this were not enough for my tender +nerves, there had been committed a horrid murder at a baker's +shop just around the corner in the Caledonian Road, to which +murder actuality was given to us by the fact that my Mother had +been 'just thinking' of getting her bread from this shop. +Children, I think, were not spared the details of these affairs +fifty years ago; at least, I was not, and my nerves were a packet +of spilikins. + +But what made me scream at nights was that when my Mother had +tucked me up in bed, and had heard me say my prayer, and had +prayed aloud on her knees at my side, and had stolen downstairs-- +noises immediately began in the room. There was a rustling of +clothes, and a slapping of hands, and a gurgling, and a sniffing, +and a trotting. These horrible muffled sounds would go on, and +die away, and be resumed; I would pray very fervently to God to +save me from my enemies; and sometimes I would go to sleep. But +on other occasions, my faith and fortitude alike gave way, and I +screamed 'Mama! Mama!' Then would my parents come bounding up the +stairs, and comfort me, and kiss me, and assure me it was nothing. +And nothing it was while they were there, but no sooner had they +gone than the ghostly riot recommenced. It was at last discovered +by my Mother that the whole mischief was due to a card of framed +texts, fastened by one nail to the wall; this did nothing when +the bedroom door was shut, but when it was left open (in order that +my parents might hear me call), the card began to gallop in the +draught, and made the most intolerable noises. + +Several things tended at this time to alienate my conscience from +the line which my Father had so rigidly traced for it. The +question of the efficacy of prayer, which has puzzled wiser heads +than mine was, began to trouble me. It was insisted on in our +household that if anything was desired, you should not, as my +Mother said, 'lose any time in seeking for it, but ask God to +guide you to it'. In many junctures of life this is precisely +what, in sober fact, they did. I will not dwell here on their +theories, which my Mother put forth, with unflinching directness, +in her published writings. But I found that a difference was made +between my privileges in this matter and theirs, and this led to +many discussions. My parents said: 'Whatever you need, tell Him +and He will grant it, if it is His will.' Very well; I had need +of a large painted humming-top which I had seen in a shop-window +in the Caledonian Road. Accordingly, I introduced a supplication +for this object into my evening prayer, carefully adding the +words: 'If it is Thy will.' This, I recollect, placed my Mother +in a dilemma, and she consulted my Father. Taken, I suppose, at a +disadvantage, my Father told me I must not pray for 'things like +that'. To which I answered by another query, 'Why?' And I added +that he said we ought to pray for things we needed, and that I +needed the humming-top a great deal more than I did the conversion +of the heathen or the restitution of Jerusalem to the Jews, two +objects of my nightly supplication which left me very cold. + +I have reason to believe, looking back upon this scene conducted +by candlelight in the front parlour, that my Mother was much +baffled by the logic of my argument. She had gone so far as to +say publicly that no 'things or circumstances are too +insignificant to bring before the God of the whole earth'. I +persisted that this covered the case of the humming-top, which +was extremely significant to me. I noticed that she held aloof +from the discussion, which was carried on with some show of +annoyance by my Father. He had never gone quite so far as she did +in regard to this question of praying for material things. I am +not sure that she was convinced that I ought to have been +checked; but he could not help seeing that it reduced their +favourite theory to an absurdity for a small child to exercise +the privilege. He ceased to argue, and told me peremptorily that +it was not right for me to pray for things like humming-tops, and +that I must do it no more. His authority, of course, was Paramount, +and I yielded; but my faith in the efficacy of prayer was a good +deal shaken. The fatal suspicion had crossed my mind that the reason +why I was not to pray for the top was because it was too expensive +for my parents to buy, that being the usual excuse for not getting +things I wished for. + +It was about the date of my sixth birthday that I did something +very naughty, some act of direct disobedience, for which my +Father, after a solemn sermon, chastised me, sacrificially, by +giving me several cuts with a cane. This action was justified, as +everything he did was justified, by reference to Scripture 'Spare +the rod and spoil the child'. I suppose that there are some +children, of a sullen and lymphatic temperament, who are +smartened up and made more wide-awake by a whipping. It is +largely a matter of convention, the exercise being endured (I am +told) with pride by the infants of our aristocracy, but not +tolerated by the lower classes. I am afraid that I proved my +inherent vulgarity by being made, not contrite or humble, but +furiously angry by this caning. I cannot account for the flame of +rage which it awakened in my bosom. My dear, excellent Father had +beaten me, not very severely, without ill-temper, and with the +most genuine desire to improve me. But he was not well-advised +especially so far as the 'dedication to the Lord's service' was +concerned. This same 'dedication' had ministered to my vanity, +and there are some natures which are not improved by being +humiliated. I have to confess with shame that I went about the +house for some days with a murderous hatred of my Father locked +within my bosom. He did not suspect that the chastisement had not +been wholly efficacious, and he bore me no malice; so that after +a while, I forgot and thus forgave him. But I do not regard +physical punishment as a wise element in the education of proud +and sensitive children. + +My theological misdeeds culminated, however, in an act so puerile +and preposterous that I should not venture to record it if it did +not throw some glimmering of light on the subject which I have +proposed to myself in writing these pages. My mind continued to +dwell on the mysterious question of prayer. It puzzled me greatly +to know why, if we were God's children, and if he was watching +over us by night and day, we might not supplicate for toys and +sweets and smart clothes as well as for the conversion of the +heathen. Just at this juncture, we had a special service at the +Room, at which our attention was particularly called to what we +always spoke of as 'the field of missionary labour'. The East was +represented among 'the saints' by an excellent Irish peer, who +had, in his early youth, converted and married a lady of colour; +this Asiatic shared in our Sunday morning meetings, and was an +object of helpless terror to me; I shrank from her amiable +caresses, and vaguely identified her with a personage much spoken +of in our family circle, the 'Personal Devil'. + +All these matters drew my thoughts to the subject of idolatry, +which was severely censured at the missionary meeting. I cross- +examined my Father very closely as to the nature of this sin, and +pinned him down to the categorical statement that idolatry +consisted in praying to anyone or anything but God himself. Wood +and stone, in the words of the hymn, were peculiarly liable to be +bowed down to by the heathen in their blindness. I pressed my +Father further on this subject, and he assured me that God would +be very angry, and would signify His anger, if anyone, in a +Christian country, bowed down to wood and stone. I cannot recall +why I was so pertinacious on this subject, but I remember that my +Father became a little restive under my cross-examination. I +determined, however, to test the matter for myself, and one +morning, when both my parents were safely out of the house, I +prepared for the great act of heresy. I was in the morning-room +on the ground-floor, where, with much labour, I hoisted a small +chair on to the table close to the window. My heart was now +beating as if it would leap out of my side, but I pursued my +experiment. I knelt down on the carpet in front of the table and +looking up I said my daily prayer in a loud voice, only +substituting the address 'Oh Chair!' for the habitual one. + +Having carried this act of idolatry safely through, I waited to +see what would happen. It was a fine day, and I gazed up at the +slip of white sky above the houses opposite, and expected +something to appear in it. God would certainly exhibit his anger +in some terrible form, and would chastise my impious and willful +action. I was very much alarmed, but still more excited; I +breathed the high, sharp air of defiance. But nothing happened; +there was not a cloud in the sky, not an unusual sound in the +street. Presently, I was quite sure that nothing would happen. I +had committed idolatry, flagrantly and deliberately, and God did +not care. + +The result of this ridiculous act was not to make me question the +existence and power of God; those were forces which I did not +dream of ignoring. But what it did was to lessen still further my +confidence in my Father's knowledge of the Divine mind. My Father +had said, positively, that if I worshipped a thing made of wood, +God would manifest his anger. I had then worshipped a chair, made +(or partly made) of wood, and God had made no sign whatever. My +Father, therefore, was not really acquainted with the Divine +practice in cases of idolatry. And with that, dismissing the +subject, I dived again into the unplumbed depths of the _Penny +Cyclopaedia_. + +CHAPTER III + +THAT I might die in my early childhood was a thought which +frequently recurred to the mind of my Mother. She endeavoured, +with a Roman fortitude, to face it without apprehension. Soon +after I had completed my fifth year, she had written as follows +in her secret journal: + +'Should we be called on to weep over the early grave of the dear +one whom now we are endeavouring to train for heaven, may we be +able to remember that we never ceased to pray for and watch over +him. It is easy, comparatively, to watch over an infant. Yet +shall I be sufficient for these things? I am not. But God is +sufficient. In his strength I have begun the warfare, in his +strength I will persevere, and I will faint not until either I +myself or my little one is beyond the reach of earthly +solicitude.' + +That either she or I would be called away from earth, and that +our physical separation was at hand, seems to have been always +vaguely present in my Mother's dreams, as an obstinate conviction +to be carefully recognized and jealously guarded against. + +It was not, however, until the course of my seventh year that the +tragedy occurred, which altered the whole course of our family +existence. My Mother had hitherto seemed strong and in good +health; she had even made the remark to my Father, that 'sorrow +and pain, the badges of Christian discipleship', appeared to be +withheld from her. On her birthday, which was to be her last, she +had written these ejaculations in her locked diary: + +'Lord, forgive the sins of the past, and help me to be faithful in +future! May this be a year of much blessing, a year of jubilee! +May I be kept lowly, trusting, loving! May I have more blessing +than in all former years combined! May I be happier as a wife, +mother, sister, writer, mistress, friend!' + +But a symptom began to alarm her, and in the beginning of May, +having consulted a local physician without being satisfied, she +went to see a specialist in a northern suburb in whose judgement +she had great confidence. This occasion I recollect with extreme +vividness. I had been put to bed by my Father, in itself a +noteworthy event. My crib stood near a window overlooking the +street; my parents' ancient four-poster, a relic of the +eighteenth century, hid me from the door, but I could see the +rest of the room. After falling asleep on this particular +evening, I awoke silently, surprised to see two lighted candles +on the table, and my Father seated writing by them. I also saw a +little meal arranged. + +While I was wondering at all this, the door opened, and my Mother +entered the room; she emerged from behind the bed-curtains, with +her bonnet on, having returned from her expedition. My Father +rose hurriedly, pushing back his chair. There was a pause, while +my Mother seemed to be steadying her voice, and then she replied, +loudly and distinctly, 'He says it is--' and she mentioned one of +the most cruel maladies by which our poor mortal nature can be +tormented. Then I saw them hold one another in a silent long +embrace, and presently sink together out of sight on their knees, +at the farther side of the bed, whereupon my Father lifted up his +voice in prayer. Neither of them had noticed me, and now I lay +back on my pillow and fell asleep. + +Next morning, when we three sat at breakfast, my mind reverted to +the scene of the previous night. With my eyes on my plate, as I +was cutting up my food, I asked, casually, 'What is--?' +mentioning the disease whose unfamiliar name I had heard from my +bed. Receiving no reply, I looked up to discover why my question +was not answered, and I saw my parents gazing at each other with +lamentable eyes. In some way, I know not how, I was conscious of +the presence of an incommunicable mystery, and I kept silence, +though tortured with curiosity, nor did I ever repeat my inquiry. + +About a fortnight later, my Mother began to go three times a week +all the long way from Islington to Pimlico, in order to visit a +certain practitioner, who undertook to apply a special treatment +to her case. This involved great fatigue and distress to her, but +so far as I was personally concerned it did me a great deal of +good. I invariably accompanied her, and when she was very tired +and weak, I enjoyed the pride of believing that I protected her. +The movement, the exercise, the occupation, lifted my morbid +fears and superstitions like a cloud. The medical treatment to +which my poor Mother was subjected was very painful, and she had +a peculiar sensitiveness to pain. She carried on her evangelical +work as long as she possibly could, continuing to converse with +her fellow passengers on spiritual matters. It was wonderful that +a woman, so reserved and proud as she by nature was, could +conquer so completely her natural timidity. In those last months, +she scarcely ever got into a railway carriage or into an omnibus, +without presently offering tracts to the persons sitting within +reach of her, or endeavouring to begin a conversation with some +one of the sufficiency of the Blood of Jesus to cleanse the human +heart from sin. Her manners were so gentle and persuasive, she +looked so innocent, her small, sparkling features were lighted up +with so much benevolence, that I do not think she ever met with +discourtesy or roughness. Imitative imp that I was, I sometimes +took part in these strange conversations, and was mightily puffed +up by compliments paid, in whispers, to my infant piety. But my +Mother very properly discouraged this, as tending in me to +spiritual pride. + +If my parents, in their desire to separate themselves from the +world, had regretted that through their happiness they seemed to +have forfeited the Christian privilege of affliction, they could +not continue to complain of any absence of temporal adversity. +Everything seemed to combine, in the course of this fatal year +1856, to harass and alarm them. Just at the moment when illness +created a special drain upon their resources, their slender +income, instead of being increased, was seriously diminished. +There is little sympathy felt in this world of rhetoric for the +silent sufferings of the genteel poor, yet there is no class that +deserves a more charitable commiseration. + +At the best of times, the money which my parents had to spend was +an exiguous and an inelastic sum. Strictly economical, proud--in +an old-fashioned mode now quite out of fashion--to conceal the +fact of their poverty, painfully scrupulous to avoid giving +inconvenience to shop-people, tradesmen or servants, their whole +financial career had to be carried on with the adroitness of a +campaign through a hostile country. But now, at the moment when +fresh pressing claims were made on their resources, my Mother's +small capital suddenly disappeared. It had been placed, on bad +advice (they were as children in such matters), in a Cornish +mine, the grotesque name of which, Wheal Maria, became familiar +to my ears. One day the river Tamar, in a playful mood, broke +into Wheal Maria, and not a penny more was ever lifted from that +unfortunate enterprise. About the same time, a small annuity +which my Mother had inherited also ceased to be paid. + +On my Father's books and lectures, therefore, the whole weight +now rested, and that at a moment when he was depressed and +unnerved by anxiety. It was contrary to his principles to borrow +money, so that it became necessary to pay doctor's and chemist's +bills punctually, and yet to carry on the little household with +the very small margin. Each artifice of economy was now exercised +to enable this to be done without falling into debt, and every +branch of expenditure was cut down, clothes, books, the little +garden which was my Father's pride, all felt the pressure of new +poverty. Even our food, which had always been simple, now became +Spartan indeed, and I am sure that my Mother often pretended to +have no appetite that there might remain enough to satisfy my +hunger. Fortunately my Father was able to take us away in the +autumn for six weeks by the sea in Wales, the expenses of this +tour being paid for by a professional engagement, so that my +seventh birthday was spent in an ecstasy of happiness, on golden +sands, under a brilliant sky, and in sight of the glorious azure +ocean beating in from an infinitude of melting horizons. Here, +too, my Mother, perched in a nook of the high rocks, surveyed the +west, and forgot for a little while her weakness and the gnawing, +grinding pain. + +But in October, our sorrows seemed to close in upon us. We went +back to London, and for the first time in their married life, my +parents were divided. My Mother was now so seriously weaker that +the omnibus journeys to Pimlico became impossible. My Father +could not leave his work and so my Mother and I had to take a +gloomy lodging close to the doctor's house. The experiences upon +which I presently entered were of a nature in which childhood +rarely takes a part. I was now my Mother's sole and ceaseless +companion; the silent witness of her suffering, of her patience, +of her vain and delusive attempts to obtain alleviation of her +anguish. For nearly three months I breathed the atmosphere of +pain, saw no other light, heard no other sounds, thought no other +thoughts than those which accompany physical suffering and +weariness. To my memory these weeks seem years; I have no measure +of their monotony. The lodgings were bare and yet tawdry; out of +dingy windows we looked from a second storey upon a dull small +street, drowned in autumnal fog. My Father came to see us when he +could, but otherwise, save when we made our morning expedition to +the doctor, or when a slatternly girl waited upon us with our +distasteful meals, we were alone, without any other occupation +than to look forward to that occasional abatement of suffering +which was what we hoped for most. + +It is difficult for me to recollect how these interminable hours +were spent. But I read aloud in a great part of them. I have now +in my mind's cabinet a picture of my chair turned towards the +window, partly that I might see the book more distinctly, partly +not to see quite so distinctly that dear patient figure rocking +on her sofa, or leaning, like a funeral statue, like a muse upon +a monument, with her head on her arms against the mantelpiece. I +read the Bible every day, and at much length; also,--with I +cannot but think some praiseworthy patience,--a book of +incommunicable dreariness, called Newton's 'Thoughts on the +Apocalypse'. Newton bore a great resemblance to my old aversion, +Jukes, and I made a sort of playful compact with my Mother that +if I read aloud a certain number of pages out of 'Thoughts on the +Apocalypse', as a reward I should be allowed to recite 'my own +favourite hymns'. Among these there was one which united her +suffrages with mine. Both of us extremely admired the piece by +Toplady which begins: + + What though my frail eyelids refuse + Continual watchings to keep, + And, punctual as midnight renews, + Demand the refreshment of sleep. + +To this day, I cannot repeat this hymn without a sense of +poignant emotion, nor can I pretend to decide how much of this is +due to its merit and how much to the peculiar nature of the +memories it recalls. But it might be as rude as I genuinely think +it to be skilful, and I should continue to regard it as a sacred +poem. Among all my childish memories none is clearer than my +looking up,--after reading, in my high treble, + + Kind Author and Ground of my hope, + Thee, Thee for my God I avow; + My glad Ebenezer set up, + And own Thou hast help'd me till now; + I muse on the years that are past, + Wherein my defence Thou hast prov'd, + Nor wilt Thou relinquish at last + A sinner so signally lov'd,-- + +and hearing my Mother, her eyes brimming with tears and her +alabastrine fingers tightly locked together, murmur in +unconscious repetition: + + Nor wilt Thou relinquish at last + A sinner so signally lov'd. + +In our lodgings at Pimlico I came across a piece of verse which +exercised a lasting influence on my taste. It was called 'The +Cameronian's Dream', and it had been written by a certain James +Hyslop, a schoolmaster on a man-of-war. I do not know how it came +into my possession, but I remember it was adorned by an extremely +dim and ill-executed wood-cut of a lake surrounded by mountains, +with tombstones in the foreground. This lugubrious frontispiece +positively fascinated me, and lent a further gloomy charm to the +ballad itself. It was in this copy of mediocre verses that the +sense of romance first appealed to me, the kind of nature-romance +which is connected with hills, and lakes, and the picturesque +costumes of old times. The following stanza, for instance, +brought a revelation to me: + + 'Twas a dream of those ages of darkness and blood, + When the minister's home was the mountain and wood; + When in Wellwood's dark valley the standard of Zion, + All bloody and torn, 'mong the heather was lying. + +I persuaded my Mother to explain to me what it was all about, and +she told me of the affliction of the Scottish saints, their +flight to the waters and the wilderness, their cruel murder while +they were singing 'their last song to the God of Salvation'. I +was greatly fired, and the following stanza, in particular, +reached my ideal of the Sublime: + + The muskets were flashing, the blue swords were gleaming, + The helmets were cleft, and the red blood was streaming, + The heavens grew dark, and the thunder was rolling, + When in Wellwood's dark muirlands the mighty were falling. + +Twenty years later I met with the only other person whom I have +ever encountered who had even heard of 'The Cameronian's Dream'. +This was Robert Louis Stevenson, who had been greatly struck by +it when he was about my age. Probably the same ephemeral edition +of it reached, at the same time, each of our pious households. + +As my Mother's illness progressed, she could neither sleep, save +by the use of opiates, nor rest, except in a sloping posture, +propped up by many pillows. It was my great joy, and a pleasant +diversion, to be allowed to shift, beat up, and rearrange these +pillows, a task which I learned to accomplish not too awkwardly. +Her sufferings, I believe, were principally caused by the +violence of the medicaments to which her doctor, who was trying a +new and fantastic 'cure', thought it proper to subject her. Let +those who take a pessimistic view of our social progress ask +themselves whether such tortures could today be inflicted on a +delicate patient, or whether that patient would be allowed to +exist, in the greatest misery in a lodging with no professional +nurse to wait upon her, and with no companion but a little +helpless boy of seven years of age. Time passes smoothly and +swiftly, and we do not perceive the mitigations which he brings +in his hands. Everywhere, in the whole system of human life, +improvements, alleviations, ingenious appliances and humane +inventions are being introduced to lessen the great burden of +suffering. + +If we were suddenly transplanted into the world of only fifty +years ago, we should be startled and even horror-stricken by the +wretchedness to which the step backwards would reintroduce us. It +was in the very year of which I am speaking, a year of which my +personal memories are still vivid, that Sir James Simpson +received the Monthyon prize as a recognition of his discovery of +the use of anaesthetics. Can our thoughts embrace the mitigation +of human torment which the application of chloroform alone has +caused? My early experiences, I confess, made me singularly +conscious, at an age when one should know nothing about these +things, of that torrent of sorrow and anguish and terror which +flows under all footsteps of man. Within my childish conscience, +already, some dim inquiry was awake as to the meaning of this +mystery of pain-- + + The floods of the tears meet and gather; + The sound of them all grows like thunder; + Oh into what bosom, I wonder, + Is poured the whole sorrow of years? + For Eternity only seems keeping + Account of the great human weeping; + May God then, the Maker and Father, + May He find a place for the tears! + +In my Mother's case, the savage treatment did no good; it had to +be abandoned, and a day or two before Christmas, while the fruits +were piled in the shop-fronts and the butchers were shouting +outside their forests of carcases, my Father brought us back in a +cab through the streets to Islington, a feeble and languishing +company. Our invalid bore the journey fairly well, enjoying the +air, and pointing out to me the glittering evidences of the +season, but we paid heavily for her little entertainment, since, +at her earnest wish the window of the cab having been kept open, +she caught a cold, which became, indeed, the technical cause of a +death that no applications could now have long delayed. + +Yet she lingered with us six weeks more, and during this time I +again relapsed, very naturally, into solitude. She now had the +care of a practised woman, one of the 'saints' from the Chapel, +and I was only permitted to pay brief visits to her bedside. That +I might not be kept indoors all day and everyday, a man, also +connected with the meeting-house, was paid a trifle to take me +out for a walk each morning. This person, who was by turns +familiar and truculent, was the object of my intense dislike. Our +relations became, in the truest sense, 'forced'; I was obliged to +walk by his side, but I held that I had no further responsibility +to be agreeable, and after a while I ceased to speak to him, or +to answer his remarks. On one occasion, poor dreary man, he met a +friend and stopped to chat with him. I considered this act to +have dissolved the bond; I skipped lightly from his side, +examined several shop-windows which I had been forbidden to look +into, made several darts down courts and up passages, and +finally, after a delightful morning, returned home, having known +my directions perfectly. My official conductor, in a shocking +condition of fear, was crouching by the area-rails looking up and +down the street. He darted upon me, in a great rage, to know +'what I meant by it?' I drew myself up as tall as I could, hissed +'Blind leader of the blind!' at him, and, with this inappropriate +but very effective Parthian shot, slipped into the house. + +When it was quite certain that no alleviations and no medical +care could prevent, or even any longer postpone the departure of +my Mother, I believe that my future conduct became the object of +her greatest and her most painful solicitude. She said to my +Father that the worst trial of her faith came from the feeling +that she was called upon to leave that child whom she had so +carefully trained from his earliest infancy for the peculiar +service of the Lord, without any knowledge of what his further +course would be. In many conversations, she most tenderly and +closely urged my Father, who, however, needed no urging, to watch +with unceasing care over my spiritual welfare. As she grew nearer +her end, it was observed that she became calmer, and less +troubled by fears about me. The intensity of her prayers and +hopes seemed to have a prevailing force; it would have been a sin +to doubt that such supplications, such confidence and devotion, +such an emphasis of will, should not be rewarded by an answer +from above in the affirmative. She was able, she said, to leave +me 'in the hands of her loving Lord', or, on another occasion, +'to the care of her covenant God'. + +Although her faith was so strong and simple, my Mother possessed +no quality of the mystic. She never pretended to any visionary +gifts, believed not at all in dreams or portents, and encouraged +nothing in herself or others which was superstitious or +fantastic. In order to realize her condition of mind, it is +necessary, I think, to accept the view that she had formed a +definite conception of the absolute, unmodified and historical +veracity, in its direct and obvious sense, of every statement +contained within the covers of the Bible. For her, and for my +Father, nothing was symbolic, nothing allegorical or allusive in +any part of Scripture, except what was, in so many words, +proffered as a parable or a picture. Pushing this to its extreme +limit, and allowing nothing for the changes of scene or time or +race, my parents read injunctions to the Corinthian converts +without any suspicion that what was apposite in dealing with +half-breed Achaian colonists of the first century might not +exactly apply to respectable English men and women of the +nineteenth. They took it, text by text, as if no sort of +difference existed between the surroundings of Trimalchion's +feast and those of a City dinner. Both my parents, I think, were +devoid of sympathetic imagination; in my Father, I am sure, it +was singularly absent. Hence, although their faith was so +strenuous that many persons might have called it fanatical, there +was no mysticism about them. They went rather to the opposite +extreme, to the cultivation of a rigid and iconoclastic +literalness. + +This was curiously exemplified in the very lively interest which +they both took in what is called 'the interpretation of +prophecy', and particularly in unwrapping the dark sayings bound +up in the Book of Revelation. In their impartial survey of the +Bible, they came to this collection of solemn and splendid +visions, sinister and obscure, and they had no intention of +allowing these to be merely stimulating to the fancy, or vaguely +doctrinal in symbol. When they read of seals broken and of vials +poured forth, of the star which was called Wormwood that fell +from Heaven, and of men whose hair was as the hair of women and +their teeth as the teeth of lions, they did not admit for a +moment that these vivid mental pictures were of a poetic +character, but they regarded them as positive statements, in +guarded language, describing events which were to happen, and +could be recognized when they did happen. It was the explanation, +the perfectly prosaic and positive explanation, of all these +wonders which drew them to study the Habershons and the Newtons +whose books they so much enjoyed. They were helped by these +guides to recognize in wild Oriental visions direct statements +regarding Napoleon III and Pope Pius IX and the King of Piedmont, +historic figures which they conceived as foreshadowed, in +language which admitted of plain interpretation, under the names +of denizens of Babylon and companions of the Wild Beast. + +My Father was in the habit of saying, in later years, that no +small element in his wedded happiness had been the fact that my +Mother and he were of one mind in the interpretation of Sacred +Prophecy. Looking back, it appears to me that this unusual mental +exercise was almost their only relaxation, and that in their +economy it took the place which is taken, in profaner families, +by cards or the piano. It was a distraction; it took them +completely out of themselves. During those melancholy weeks at +Pimlico, I read aloud another work of the same nature as those of +Habershon and Jukes, the _Horae Apocalypticae_ of a Mr. Elliott. +This was written, I think, in a less disagreeable style, and +certainly it was less opaquely obscure to me. My recollection +distinctly is that when my Mother could endure nothing else, the +arguments of this book took her thoughts away from her pain and +lifted her spirits. Elliott saw 'the queenly arrogance of Popery' +everywhere, and believed that the very last days of Babylon the +Great were came. Lest I say what may be thought extravagant, let +me quote what my Father wrote in his diary at the time of my +Mother's death. He said that the thought that Rome was doomed (as +seemed not impossible in 1857) so affected my Mother that it +'irradiated' her dying hours with an assurance that was like 'the +light of the Morning Star, the harbinger of the rising sun'. + +After our return to Islington, there was a complete change in my +relation to my Mother. At Pimlico, I had been all-important, her +only companion, her friend, her confidant. But now that she was +at home again, people and things combined to separate me from +her. Now, and for the first time in my life, I no longer slept in +her room, no longer sank to sleep under her kiss, no longer saw +her mild eyes smile on me with the earliest sunshine. Twice a +day, after breakfast and before I went to rest, I was brought to +her bedside; but we were never alone; other people, sometimes +strange people, were there. We had no cosy talk; often she was +too weak to do more than pat my hand; her loud and almost +constant cough terrified and harassed me. I felt, as I stood, +awkwardly and shyly, by her high bed, that I had shrunken into a +very small and insignificant figure, that she was floating out of +my reach, that all things, but I knew not what nor how, were +corning to an end. She herself was not herself; her head, that +used to be held so erect, now rolled or sank upon the pillow; the +sparkle was all extinguished from those bright, dear eyes. I +could not understand it; I meditated long, long upon it all in my +infantile darkness, in the garret, or in the little slip of a +cold room where my bed was now placed; and a great, blind anger +against I knew not what awakened in my soul. + +The two retreats which I have mentioned were now all that were +left to me. In the back-parlour someone from outside gave me +occasional lessons of a desultory character. The breakfast-room +was often haunted by visitors, unknown to me by face or name,-- +ladies, who used to pity me and even to pet me, until I became +nimble in escaping from their caresses. Everything seemed to be +unfixed, uncertain; it was like being on the platform of a +railway-station waiting for a train. In all this time, the +agitated, nervous presence of my Father, whose pale face was +permanently drawn with anxiety, added to my perturbation, and I +became miserable, stupid--as if I had lost my way in a cold fog. + +Had I been older and more intelligent, of course, it might have +been of him and not of myself that I should have been thinking. +As I now look back upon that tragic time, it is for him that my +heart bleeds,--for them both, so singularly fitted as they were +to support and cheer one another in an existence which their own +innate and cultivated characteristics had made little hospitable +to other sources of comfort. This is not to be dwelt on here. But +what must be recorded was the extraordinary tranquillity, the +serene and sensible resignation, with which at length my parents +faced the awful hour. Language cannot utter what they suffered, +but there was no rebellion, no repining; in their case even an +atheist might admit that the overpowering miracle of grace was +mightily efficient. + +It seems almost cruel to the memory of their opinions that the +only words which rise to my mind, the only ones which seem in the +least degree adequate to describe the attitude of my parents, had +fallen from the pen of one whom, in their want of imaginative +sympathy, they had regarded as anathema. But John Henry Newman +might have come from the contemplation of my Mother's death-bed +when he wrote: 'All the trouble which the world inflicts upon us, +and which flesh cannot but feel,--sorrow, pain, care, +bereavement,--these avail not to disturb the tranquillity and the +intensity with which faith gazes at the Divine Majesty.' It was +'tranquillity', it was not the rapture of the mystic. Almost in +the last hour of her life, urged to confess her 'joy' in the +Lord, my Mother, rigidly honest, meticulous in self-analysis, as +ever, replied: 'I have peace, but not _joy_. It would not do to go +into eternity with a lie in my mouth.' + +When the very end approached, and her mind was growing clouded, +she gathered her strength together to say to my Father, 'I shall +walk with Him in white. Won't you take your lamb and walk with +me?' Confused with sorrow and alarm, my Father failed to +understand her meaning. She became agitated, and she repeated two +or three times: 'Take our lamb, and walk with me!' Then my Father +comprehended, and pressed me forward; her hand fell softly upon +mine and she seemed content. Thus was my dedication, that had +begun in my cradle, sealed with the most solemn, the most +poignant and irresistible insistence, at the death-bed of the +holiest and purest of women. But what a weight, intolerable as +the burden of Atlas, to lay on the shoulders of a little fragile +child! + + + +CHAPTER IV + +CERTAINLY the preceding year, the seventh of my life, had been +weighted for us with comprehensive disaster. I have not yet +mentioned that, at the beginning of my Mother's fatal illness, +misfortune came upon her brothers. I have never known the +particulars of their ruin, but, I believe in consequence of A.'s +unsuccessful speculations, and of the fact that E. had allowed +the use of his name as a surety, both my uncles were obliged to +fly from their creditors, and take refuge in Paris. This happened +just when our need was the sorest, and this, together with the +poignancy of knowing that their sister's devoted labours for them +had been all in vain, added to their unhappiness. It was +doubtless also the reason why, having left England, they wrote to +us no more, carefully concealing from us even their address, so +that when my Mother died, my Father was unable to communicate +with them. I fear that they fell into dire distress; before very +long we learned that A. had died, but it was fifteen years more +before we heard anything of E., whose life had at length been +preserved by the kindness of an old servant, but whose mind was +now so clouded that he could recollect little or nothing of the +past; and soon he also died. Amiable, gentle, without any species +of practical ability, they were quite unfitted to struggle with +the world, which had touched them only to wreck them. + +The flight of my uncles at this particular juncture left me +without a relative on my Mother's side at the time of her death. +This isolation threw my Father into a sad perplexity. His only +obvious source of income--but it happened to be a remarkably +hopeful one--was an engagement to deliver a long series of +lectures on marine natural history throughout the north and +centre of England. These lectures were an entire novelty; nothing +like them had been offered to the provincial public before; and +the fact that the newly-invented marine aquarium was the +fashionable toy of the moment added to their attraction. My +Father was bowed down by sorrow and care, but he was not broken. +His intellectual forces were at their height, and so was his +popularity as an author. The lectures were to begin in march; my +Mother was buried on 13 February. It seemed at first, in the +inertia of bereavement, to be all beyond his powers to make the +supreme effort, but the wholesome prick of need urged him on. It +was a question of paying for food and clothes, of keeping a roof +above our heads. The captain of a vessel in a storm must navigate +his ship, although his wife lies dead in the cabin. That was my +Father's position in the spring of 1857; he had to stimulate, +instruct, amuse large audiences of strangers, and seem gay, +although affliction and loneliness had settled in his heart. He +had to do this, or starve. + +But the difficulty still remained. During these months what was +to become of me? My Father could not take me with him from hotel +to hotel and from lecture-hall to lecture-hall. Nor could he +leave me, as people leave the domestic cat, in an empty house for +the neighbours to feed at intervals. The dilemma threatened to be +insurmountable, when suddenly there descended upon us a kind, but +little-known, paternal cousin from the west of England, who had +heard of our calamities. This lady had a large family of her own +at Bristol; she offered to find room in it for me so long as ever +my Father should be away in the north; and when my Father, +bewildered by so much goodness, hesitated, she came up to London +and carried me forcibly away in a whirlwind of good-nature. Her +benevolence was quite spontaneous; and I am not sure that she had +not added to it already by helping to nurse our beloved sufferer +through part of her illness. Of that I am not positive, but I +recollect very clearly her snatching me from our cold and +desolate hearthstone, and carrying me off to her cheerful house +at Clifton. + +Here, for the first time, when half through my eighth year, I was +thrown into the society of young people. My cousins were none of +them, I believe, any longer children, but they were youths and +maidens busily engaged in various personal interests, all +collected in a hive of wholesome family energy. Everybody was +very kind to me, and I sank back, after the strain of so many +months, into mere childhood again. This long visit to my cousins +at Clifton must have been very delightful; I am dimly aware that +it was--yet I remember but few of its incidents. My memory, so +clear and vivid about earlier solitary times, now in all this +society becomes blurred and vague. I recollect certain pleasures; +being taken, for instance, to a menagerie, and having a practical +joke, in the worst taste, played upon me by the pelican. One of +my cousins, who was a medical student, showed me a pistol, and +helped me to fire it; he smoked a pipe, and I was oddly conscious +that both the firearm and the tobacco were definitely hostile to +my 'dedication'. My girl-cousins took turns in putting me to bed, +and on cold nights, or when they were in a hurry, allowed me to +say my prayer under the bed-clothes instead of kneeling at a +chair. The result of this was further spiritual laxity, because I +could not help going to sleep before the prayer was ended. + +The visit to Clifton was, in fact, a blessed interval in my +strenuous childhood. It probably prevented my nerves from +breaking down under the pressure of the previous months. The +Clifton family was God-fearing, in a quiet, sensible way, but +there was a total absence of all the intensity and compulsion of +our religious life at Islington. I was not encouraged--I even +remember that I was gently snubbed--when I rattled forth, parrot- +fashion, the conventional phraseology of 'the saints'. For a +short, enchanting period of respite, I lived the life of an +ordinary little boy, relapsing, to a degree which would have +filled my Father with despair, into childish thoughts and +childish language. The result was that of this little happy +breathing-space I have nothing to report. Vague, half-blind +remembrances of walks, with my tall cousins waving like trees +above me, pleasant noisy evenings in a great room on the ground- +floor, faint silver-points of excursions into the country, all +this is the very pale and shadowy testimony to a brief interval +of healthy, happy child-life, when my hard-driven soul was +allowed to have, for a little while, no history. + +The life of a child is so brief, its impressions are so illusory +and fugitive, that it is as difficult to record its history as it +would be to design a morning cloud sailing before the wind. It is +short, as we count shortness in after years, when the drag of +lead pulls down to earth the foot that used to flutter with a +winged impetuosity, and to float with the pulse of Hermes. But in +memory, my childhood was long, long with interminable hours, +hours with the pale cheek pressed against the windowpane, hours +of mechanical and repeated lonely 'games', which had lost their +savour, and were kept going by sheer inertness. Not unhappy, not +fretful, but long,--long, long. It seems to me, as I look back to +the life in the motherless Islington house, as I resumed it in +that slow eighth year of my life, that time had ceased to move. +There was a whole age between one tick of the eight-day clock in +the hall, and the next tick. When the milkman went his rounds in +our grey street, with his eldritch scream over the top of each +set of area railings, it seemed as though he would never +disappear again. There was no past and no future for me, and the +present felt as though it were sealed up in a Leyden jar. Even my +dreams were interminable, and hung stationary from the nightly +sky. + +At this time, the street was my theatre, and I spent long +periods, as I have said, leaning against the window. I feel now +that coldness of the pane, and the feverish heat that was +produced, by contrast, in the orbit round the eye. Now and then +amusing things happened. The onion-man was a joy long waited for. +This worthy was a tall and bony Jersey Protestant with a raucous +voice, who strode up our street several times a week, carrying a +yoke across his shoulders, from the ends of which hung ropes of +onions. He used to shout, at abrupt intervals, in a tone which +might wake the dead: + + Here's your rope . . . . + To hang the Pope . . . . + And a penn'orth of cheese to choke him. + +The cheese appeared to be legendary; he sold only onions. My +Father did not eat onions, but he encouraged this terrible +fellow, with his wild eyes and long strips of hair, because of +his godly attitude towards the 'Papacy', and I used to watch him +dart out of the front door, present his penny, and retire, +graciously waving back the proffered onion. On the other hand, my +Father did not approve of a fat sailor, who was a constant +passer-by. This man, who was probably crazed, used to wall very +slowly up the centre of our street, vociferating with the voice +of a bull, + + Wa-a-atch and pray-hay! + Night and day-hay! + +This melancholy admonition was the entire business of his life. +He did nothing at all but walk up and down the streets of +Islington exhorting the inhabitants to watch and pray. I do not +recollect that this sailor-man stopped to collect pennies, and my +impression is that he was, after his fashion, a volunteer +evangelist. + +The tragedy of Mr. Punch was another, and a still greater +delight. I was never allowed to go out into the street to mingle +with the little crowd which gathered under the stage, and as I +was extremely near-sighted, the impression I received was vague. +But when, by happy chance, the show stopped opposite our door, I +saw enough of that ancient drama to be thrilled with terror and +delight. I was much affected by the internal troubles of the +Punch family; I thought that with a little more tact on the part +of Mrs. Punch and some restraint held over a temper, naturally +violent, by Mr. Punch, a great deal of this sad misunderstanding +might have been prevented. + +The momentous close, when a figure of shapeless horror appears on +the stage, and quells the hitherto undaunted Mr. Punch, was to me +the bouquet of the entire performance. When Mr. Punch, losing his +nerve, points to this shape and says in an awestruck, squeaking +whisper, 'Who's that? Is it the butcher?' and the stern answer +comes, 'No, Mr. Punch!' And then, 'Is it the baker?' 'No, Mr. +Punch!' 'Who is it then?' (this in a squeak trembling with emotion +and terror); and then the full, loud reply, booming like a +judgement-bell, 'It is the Devil come to take you down to Hell,' +and the form of Punch, with kicking legs, sunken in epilepsy on +the floor,--all this was solemn and exquisite to me beyond +words. I was not amused--I was deeply moved and exhilarated, +'purged', as the old phrase hath it, 'with pity and terror'. + +Another joy, in a lighter key, was watching a fantastic old man +who came slowly up the street, hung about with drums and flutes +and kites and coloured balls, and bearing over his shoulders a +great sack. Children and servant-girls used to bolt up out of +areas, and chaffer with this gaudy person, who would presently +trudge on, always repeating the same set of words-- + + Here's your toys + For girls and boys, + For bits of brass + And broken glass, + (these four lines being spoken in a breathless hurry) + A penny or a vial-bottell . . . . + (this being drawled out in an endless wail). + +I was not permitted to go forth and trade with this old person, +but sometimes our servant-maid did, thereby making me feel that +if I did not hold the rose of merchandise, I was very near it. My +experiences with my cousins at Clifton had given me the habit of +looking out into the world--even though it was only into the +pale world of our quiet street. + +My Father and I were now great friends. I do not doubt that he +felt his responsibility to fill as far as might be the gap which +the death of my Mother had made in my existence. I spent a large +portion of my time in his study while he was writing or drawing, +and though very little conversation passed between us, I think +that each enjoyed the companionship of the other. There were two, +and sometimes three aquaria in the room, tanks of sea-water, with +glass sides, inside which all sorts of creatures crawled and +swam; these were sources of endless pleasure to me, and at this +time began to be laid upon me the occasional task of watching and +afterwards reporting the habits of animals. + +At other times, I dragged a folio volume of the _Penny Cyclopaedia_ +up to the study with me, and sat there reading successive +articles on such subjects as Parrots, Parthians, Passion-flowers, +Passover and Pastry, without any invidious preferences, all +information being equally welcome, and equally fugitive. That +something of all this loose stream of knowledge clung to odd +cells of the back of my brain seems to be shown by the fact that +to this day, I occasionally find myself aware of some stray +useless fact about peonies or pemmican or pepper, which I can +only trace back to the _Penny Cyclopaedia_ of my infancy. + +It will be asked what the attitude of my Father's mind was to me, +and of mine to his, as regards religion, at this time, when we +were thrown together alone so much. It is difficult to reply with +exactitude. But so far as the former is concerned, I thinly that +the extreme violence of the spiritual emotions to which my Father +had been subjected, had now been followed by a certain reaction. +He had not changed his views in any respect, and he was prepared +to work out the results of them with greater zeal than ever, but +just at present his religious nature, like his physical nature, +was tired out with anxiety and sorrow. He accepted the +supposition that I was entirely with him in all respects, so far, +that is to say, as a being so rudimentary and feeble as a little +child could be. My Mother, in her last hours, had dwelt on our +unity in God; we were drawn together, she said, elect from the +world, in a triplicity of faith and joy. She had constantly +repeated the words: 'We shall be one family, one song. One song! +one family!' My Father, I think, accepted this as a prophecy, he +felt no doubt of our triple unity; my Mother had now merely +passed before us, through a door, into a world of light, where we +should presently join her, where all things would be radiant and +blissful, but where we three would, in some unknown way, be +particularly drawn together in a tie of inexpressible beatitude. +He fretted at the delay; he would have taken me by the hand, and +have joined her in the realms of holiness and light, at once, +without this dreary dalliance with earthly cares. + +He held this confidence and vision steadily before him, but +nothing availed against the melancholy of his natural state. He +was conscious of his dull and solitary condition, and he saw, +too, that it enveloped me. I think his heart was, at this time, +drawn out towards me in an immense tenderness. Sometimes, when +the early twilight descended upon us in the study, and he could +no longer peer with advantage into the depths of his microscope, +he would beckon me to him silently, and fold me closely in his +arms. I used to turn my face up to his, patiently and +wonderingly, while the large, unwilling tears gathered in the +corners of his eyelids. My training had given me a preternatural +faculty of stillness, and we would stay so, without a word or a +movement, until the darkness filled the room. And then, with my +little hand in his, we would walk sedately downstairs to the +parlour, where we would find that the lamp was lighted, and that +our melancholy vigil was ended. I do not think that at any part +of our lives my Father and I were drawn so close to one another +as we were in that summer of 1857. Yet we seldom spoke of what +lay so warm and fragrant between us, the flower-like thought of +our Departed. + +The visit to my cousins had made one considerable change in me. +Under the old solitary discipline, my intelligence had grown at +the expense of my sentiment. I was innocent, but inhuman. The +long suffering and the death of my Mother had awakened my heart, +had taught me what pain was, but had left me savage and morose. I +had still no idea of the relations of human beings to one +another; I had learned no word of that philosophy which comes to +the children of the poor in the struggle of the street and to the +children of the well-to-do in the clash of the nursery. In other +words, I had no humanity; I had been carefully shielded from the +chance of 'catching' it, as though it were the most dangerous of +microbes. But now that I had enjoyed a little of the common +experience of childhood, a great change had come upon me. Before +I went to Clifton, my mental life was all interior, a rack of +baseless dream upon dream. But, now, I was eager to look out of +the window, to go out in the streets; I was taken with a +curiosity about human life. Even from my vantage of the window- +pane, I watched boys and girls go by with an interest which began +to be almost wistful. + +Still I continued to have no young companions. But on summer +evenings I used to drag my Father out, taking the initiative +myself, stamping in playful impatience at his irresolution, +fetching his hat and stick, and waiting. We used to sally forth +at last together, hand in hand, descending the Caledonian Road, +with all its shops, as far as Mother Shipton, or else winding +among the semi-genteel squares and terraces westward by +Copenhagen Street, or, best of all, mounting to the Regent's +Canal, where we paused to lean over the bridge and watch +flotillas of ducks steer under us, or little white dogs dash, +impotently furious, from stem to stern of the great, lazy barges +painted in a crude vehemence of vermilion and azure. These were +happy hours, when the spectre of Religion ceased to overshadow us +for a little while, when my Father forgot the Apocalypse and +dropped his austere phraseology, and when our bass and treble +voices used to ring out together over some foolish little jest or +some mirthful recollection of his past experiences. Little soft +oases these, in the hard desert of our sandy spiritual life at +home. + +There was an unbending, too, when we used to sing together, in my +case very tunelessly. I had inherited a plentiful lack of musical +genius from my Mother, who had neither ear nor voice, and who had +said, in the course of her last illness, 'I shall sing His +praise, _at length_, in strains I never could master here below'. +My Father, on the other hand, had some knowledge of the +principles of vocal music, although not, I am afraid, much taste. +He had at least great fondness for singing hymns, in the manner +then popular with the Evangelicals, very loudly, and so slowly +that I used to count how many words I could read silently, +between one syllable of the singing and another. My lack of skill +did not prevent me from being zealous at these vocal exercises, +and my Father and I used to sing lustily together. The Wesleys, +Charlotte Elliott ('Just as I am, without one plea'), and James +Montgomery ('Forever with the Lord') represented his predilection +in hymnology. I acquiesced, although that would not have been my +independent choice. These represented the devotional verse which +made its direct appeal to the evangelical mind, and served in +those 'Puseyite' days to counteract the High Church poetry +founded on 'The Christian Year'. Of that famous volume I never met +with a copy until I was grown up, and equally unknown in our +circle were the hymns of Newman, Faber and Neale. + +It was my Father's plan from the first to keep me entirely +ignorant of the poetry of the High Church, which deeply offended +his Calvinism; he thought that religious truth could be sucked +in, like mother's milk, from hymns which were godly and sound, +and yet correctly versified; and I was therefore carefully +trained in this direction from an early date. But my spirit had +rebelled against some of these hymns, especially against those +written--a mighty multitude--by Horatius Bonar; naughtily +refusing to read Bonar's 'I heard the voice of Jesus say' to my +Mother in our Pimlico lodgings. A secret hostility to this +particular form of effusion was already, at the age of seven, +beginning to define itself in my brain, side by side with an +unctuous infantile conformity. + +I find a difficulty in recalling the precise nature of the +religious instruction which my Father gave me at this time. It +was incessant, and it was founded on the close inspection of the +Bible, particularly of the epistles of the New Testament. This +summer, as my eighth year advanced, we read the 'Epistle to the +Hebrews', with very great deliberation, stopping every moment, +that my Father might expound it, verse by verse. The +extraordinary beauty of the language--for instance, the matchless +cadences and images of the first chapter--made a certain +impression upon my imagination, and were (I think) my earliest +initiation into the magic of literature. I was incapable of +defining what I felt, but I certainly had a grip in the throat, +which was in its essence a purely aesthetic emotion, when my +Father read, in his pure, large, ringing voice, such passages as +'The heavens are the works of Thy hands. They shall perish, but +Thou remainest, and they all shall wax old as doth a garment, and +as a vesture shalt Thou fold them up, and they shall be changed; +but Thou art the same, and Thy years shall not fail.' But the +dialectic parts of the Epistle puzzled and confused me. Such +metaphysical ideas as 'laying again the foundation of repentance +from dead works' and 'crucifying the Son of God afresh' were not +successfully brought down to the level of my understanding. + +My Father's religious teaching to me was almost exclusively +doctrinal. He did not observe the value of negative education, +that is to say, of leaving Nature alone to fill up the gaps which +it is her design to deal with at a later and riper date. He did +not, even, satisfy himself with those moral injunctions which +should form the basis of infantile discipline. He was in a +tremendous hurry to push on my spiritual growth, and he fed me +with theological meat which it was impossible for me to digest. +Some glimmer of a suspicion that he was sailing on the wrong tack +must, I should suppose, have broken in upon him when we had +reached the eighth and ninth chapters of Hebrews, where, +addressing readers who had been brought up under the Jewish +dispensation, and had the formalities of the Law of Moses in +their very blood, the apostle battles with their dangerous +conservatism. It is a very noble piece of spiritual casuistry, +but it is signally unfitted for the comprehension of a child. +Suddenly by my flushing up with anger and saying, 'Oh how I do +hate that Law,' my Father perceived, and paused in amazement to +perceive, that I took the Law to be a person of malignant temper +from whose cruel bondage, and from whose intolerable tyranny and +unfairness, some excellent person was crying out to be delivered. +I wished to hit Law with my fist, for being so mean and +unreasonable. + +Upon this, of course, it was necessary to reopen the whole line +of exposition. My Father, without realizing it, had been talking +on his own level, not on mine, and now he condescended to me. But +without very great success. The melodious language, the divine +forensic audacities, the magnificent ebb and flow of argument +which make the 'Epistle to the Hebrews' such a miracle, were far +and away beyond my reach, and they only bewildered me. Some +evangelical children of my generation, I understand, were brought +up on a work called 'Line upon Line: Here a Little, and there a +Little'. My Father's ambition would not submit to anything +suggested by such a title as that, and he committed, from his own +point of view, a fatal mistake when he sought to build spires and +battlements without having been at the pains to settle a +foundation beneath them. + +We were not always reading the 'Epistle to the Hebrews', however; +not always was my flesh being made to creep by having it insisted +upon that 'almost all things are by the Law purged with blood, +and without blood is no remission of sin'. In our lighter moods, +we turned to the 'Book of Revelation', and chased the phantom of +Popery through its fuliginous pages. My Father, I think, missed +my Mother's company almost more acutely in his researches into +prophecy than in anything else. This had been their unceasing +recreation, and no third person could possibly follow the curious +path which they had hewn for themselves through this jungle of +symbols. But, more and more, my Father persuaded himself that I, +too, was initiated, and by degrees I was made to share in all +his speculations and interpretations. + +Hand in hand we investigated the number of the Beast, which +number is six hundred three score and six. Hand in hand we +inspected the nations, to see whether they had the mark of +Babylon in their foreheads. Hand in hand we watched the spirits +of devils gathering the kings of the earth into the place which +is called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon. Our unity in these +excursions was so delightful, that my Father was lulled in any +suspicion he might have formed that I did not quite understand +what it was all about. Nor could he have desired a pupil more +docile or more ardent than I was in my flaming denunciations of +the Papacy. + +If there was one institution more than another which, at this +early stage of my history, I loathed and feared, it was what we +invariably spoke of as 'the so-called Church of Rome'. In later +years, I have met with stout Protestants, gallant 'Down-with-the- +Pope' men from County Antrim, and ladies who see the hand of the +Jesuits in every public and private misfortune. It is the habit +of a loose and indifferent age to consider this dwindling body of +enthusiasts with suspicion, and to regard their attitude towards +Rome as illiberal. But my own feeling is that they are all too +mild, that their denunciations err on the side of the anodyne. I +have no longer the slightest wish myself to denounce the Roman +communion, but, if it is to be done, I have an idea that the +latter-day Protestants do not know how to do it. In Lord +Chesterfield's phrase, these anti-Pope men 'don't understand +their own silly business'. They make concessions and allowances, +they put on gloves to touch the accursed thing. + +Not thus did we approach the Scarlet Woman in the 'fifties. We +palliated nothing, we believed in no good intentions, we used (I +myself used, in my tender innocency) language of the seventeenth +century such as is now no longer introduced into any species of +controversy. As a little boy, when I thought, with intense +vagueness, of the Pope, I used to shut my eyes tight and clench +my fists. We welcomed any social disorder in any part of Italy, +as likely to be annoying to the Papacy. If there was a custom- +house officer stabbed in a fracas at Sassari, we gave loud thanks +that liberty and light were breaking in upon Sardinia. If there +was an unsuccessful attempt to murder the Grand Duke, we lifted +up our voices to celebrate the faith and sufferings of the dear +persecuted Tuscans, and the record of some apocryphal monstrosity +in Naples would only reveal to us a glorious opening for Gospel +energy. My Father celebrated the announcement in the newspapers +of a considerable emigration from the Papal Dominions by +rejoicing at 'this outcrowding of many, throughout the harlot's +domain, from her sins and her plagues'. + +No, the Protestant League may consider itself to be an earnest +and active body, but I can never look upon its efforts as +anything but lukewarm, standing, as I do, with the light of other +days around me. As a child, whatever I might question, I never +doubted the turpitude of Rome. I do not think I had formed any +idea whatever of the character or pretensions or practices of the +Catholic Church, or indeed of what it consisted, or its nature; +but I regarded it with a vague terror as a wild beast, the only +good point about it being that it was very old and was soon to +die. When I turned to Jukes or Newton for further detail, I could +not understand what they said. Perhaps, on the whole, there was +no disadvantage in that. + +It is possible that someone may have observed to my Father that +the conditions of our life were unfavourable to our health, +although I hardly think that he would have encouraged any such +advice. As I look back upon this far-away time, I am surprised at +the absence in it of any figures but our own. He and I together, +now in the study among the sea-anemones and starfishes; now on +the canal-bridge, looking down at the ducks; now at our hard +little meals, served up as those of a dreamy widower are likely +to be when one maid-of-all-work provides them, now under the lamp +at the maps we both loved so much, this is what I see--no third +presence is ever with us. Whether it occurred to himself that +such a solitude _a deux_ was excellent, in the long run, for +neither of us, or whether any chance visitor or one of the +'Saints', who used to see me at the Room every Sunday morning, +suggested that a female influence might put a little rose-colour +into my pasty cheeks, I know not. All I am sure of is that one +day, towards the close of the summer, as I was gazing into the +street, I saw a four-wheeled cab stop outside our door, and +deposit, with several packages, a strange lady, who was shown up +into my Father's study and was presently brought down and +introduced to me. + +Miss Marks, as I shall take the liberty of calling this person, +was so long a part of my life that I must pause to describe her. +She was tall, rather gaunt, with high cheek-bones; her teeth were +prominent and very white; her eyes were china-blue, and were +always absolutely fixed, wide open, on the person she spoke to; +her nose was inclined to be red at the tip. She had a kind, +hearty, sharp mode of talking, but did not exercise it much, +being on the whole taciturn. She was bustling and nervous, not +particularly refined, not quite, I imagine, what is called 'a +lady'. I supposed her, if I thought of the matter at all, to be +very old, but perhaps she may have been, when we knew her first, +some forty-five summers. Miss Marks was an orphan, depending upon +her work for her living; she would not, in these days of +examinations, have come up to the necessary educational +standards, but she had enjoyed experience in teaching, and was +prepared to be a conscientious and careful governess, up to her +lights. I was now informed by my Father that it was in this +capacity that she would in future take her place in our +household. I was not informed, what I gradually learned by +observation, that she would also act in it as housekeeper. + +Miss Marks was a somewhat grotesque personage, and might easily +be painted as a kind of eccentric Dickens character, a mixture of +Mrs. Pipchin and Miss Sally Brass. I will confess that when, in +years to come, I read 'Dombey and Son', certain features of Mrs. +Pipchin did irresistibly remind me of my excellent past +governess. I can imagine Miss Marks saying, but with a facetious +intent, that children who sniffed would not go to heaven. But I +was instantly ashamed of the parallel, because my gaunt old +friend was a thoroughly good and honest woman, not intelligent +and not graceful, but desirous in every way to do her duty. Her +duty to me she certainly did, and I am afraid I hardly rewarded +her with the devotion she deserved. From the first, I was +indifferent to her wishes, and, as much as was convenient, I +ignored her existence. She held no power over my attention, and +if I accepted her guidance along the path of instruction, it was +because, odd as it may sound, I really loved knowledge. I +accepted her company without objection, and though there were +occasional outbreaks of tantrums on both sides, we got on very +well together for several years. I did not, however, at any time +surrender my inward will to the wishes of Miss Marks. + +In the circle of our life the religious element took so +preponderating a place, that it is impossible to avoid +mentioning, what might otherwise seem unimportant, the +theological views of Miss Marks. How my Father had discovered +her, or from what field of educational enterprise he plucked her +in her prime, I never knew, but she used to mention that my +Father's ministrations had 'opened her eyes', from which 'scales' +had fallen. She had accepted, on their presentation to her, the +entire gamut of his principles. Miss Marks was accustomed, while +putting me to bed, to dwell darkly on the incidents of her past, +which had, I fear, been an afflicted one. I believe I do her +rather limited intelligence no injury when I say that it was +prepared to swallow, at one mouthful, whatever my Father +presented to it, so delighted was its way-worn possessor to find +herself in a comfortable, or, at least, an independent position. +She soon bowed, if there was indeed any resistance from the +first, very contentedly in the House of Rimmon, learning to +repeat, with marked fluency, the customary formulas and +shibboleths. On my own religious development she had no great +influence. Any such guttering theological rushlight as Miss Marks +might dutifully exhibit faded for me in the blaze of my Father's +glaring beacon-lamp of faith. + +Hardly was Miss Marks settled in the family, than my Father left +us on an expedition about which my curiosity was exercised, but +not until later, satisfied. He had gone, as we afterwards found, +to South Devon, to a point on the coast which he had known of +old. Here he had hired a horse, and had ridden about until he saw +a spot he liked, where a villa was being built on speculation. +Nothing equals the courage of these recluse men; my Father got +off his horse, and tied it to the gate, and then he went in and +bought the house on a ninety-nine years' lease. I need hardly say +that he had made the matter a subject of the most earnest prayer, +and had entreated the Lord for guidance. When he felt attracted +to this particular villa, he did not doubt that he was directed +to it in answer to his supplication, and he wasted no time in +further balancing or inquiring. On my eighth birthday, with bag +and baggage complete, we all made the toilful journey down into +Devonshire, and I was a town-child no longer. + + + +CHAPTER V + +A NEW element now entered into my life, a fresh rival arose to +compete for me with my Father's dogmatic theology. This rival was +the Sea. When Wordsworth was a little child, the presence of the +mountains and the clouds lighted up his spirit with gleams that +were like the flashing of a shield. He has described, in the +marvellous pages of the 'Prelude', the impact of nature upon the +infant soul, but he has described it vaguely and faintly, with +some 'infirmity of love for days disowned by memory',--I think +because he was brought up in the midst of spectacular beauty, and +could name no moment, mark no 'here' or 'now', when the wonder +broke upon him. It was at the age of twice five summers, he +thought, that he began to hold unconscious intercourse with +nature, 'drinking in a pure organic pleasure' from the floating +mists and winding waters. Perhaps, in his anxiety to be truthful, +and in the absence of any record, he put the date of this +conscious rapture too late rather than too early. Certainly my +own impregnation with the obscurely-defined but keenly-felt +loveliness of the open sea dates from the first week of my ninth +year. + +The village, on the outskirts of which we had taken up our abode, +was built parallel to the cliff line above the shore, but half a +mile inland. For a long time after the date I have now reached, +no other form of natural scenery than the sea had any effect upon +me at all. The tors of the distant moor might be drawn in deep +blue against the pallor of our morning or our evening sky, but I +never looked at them. It was the Sea, always the sea, nothing but +the sea. From our house, or from the field at the back of our +house, or from any part of the village itself, there was no +appearance to suggest that there could lie anything in an +easterly direction to break the infinitude of red ploughed +fields. But on that earliest morning, how my heart remembers we +hastened,--Miss Marks, the maid, and I between them, along a +couple of high-walled lanes, when suddenly, far below us, in an +immense arc of light, there stretched the enormous plain of +waters. We had but to cross a step or two of downs, when the +hollow sides of the great limestone cove yawned at our feet, +descending, like a broken cup, down, down to the moon of snow- +white shingle and the expanse of blue-green sea. + +In these twentieth-century days, a careful municipality has +studded the down with rustic seats and has shut its dangers out +with railings, has cut a winding carriage-drive round the curves +of the cove down to the shore, and has planted sausage-laurels at +intervals in clearings made for that aesthetic purpose. When last +I saw the place, thus smartened and secured, with its hair in +curl-papers and its feet in patent-leathers, I turned from it in +anger and disgust, and could almost have wept. I suppose that to +those who knew it in no other guise, it may still have beauty. No +parish councils, beneficent and shrewd, can obscure the lustre of +the waters or compress the vastness of the sky. But what man +could do to make wild beauty ineffectual, tame and empty, has +amply been performed at Oddicombe. + +Very different was it fifty years ago, in its uncouth majesty. No +road, save the merest goat-path, led down its concave wilderness, +in which loose furze-bushes and untrimmed brambles wantoned into +the likeness of trees, each draped in audacious tissue of wild +clematis. Through this fantastic maze the traveller wound his +way, led by little other clue than by the instinct of descent. +For me, as a child, it meant the labour of a long, an endless +morning, to descend to the snow-white pebbles, to sport at the +edge of the cold, sharp sea, and then to climb up home again, +slipping in the sticky red mud, clutching at the smooth boughs of +the wild ash, toiling, toiling upwards into flat land out of that +hollow world of rocks. + +On the first occasion I recollect, our Cockney housemaid, +enthusiastic young creature that she was, flung herself down upon +her knees, and drank of the salt waters. Miss Marks, more +instructed in phenomena, refrained, but I, although I was +perfectly aware what the taste would be, insisted on sipping a +few drops from the palm of my hand. This was a slight recurrence +of what I have called my 'natural magic' practices, which had +passed into the background of my mind, but had not quite +disappeared. I recollect that I thought I might secure some power +of walking on the sea, if I drank of it--a perfectly irrational +movement of mind, like those of savages. + +My great desire was to walk out over the sea as far as I could, +and then lie flat on it, face downwards, and peer into the +depths. I was tormented with this ambition, and, like many grown- +up people, was so fully occupied by these vain and ridiculous +desires that I neglected the actual natural pleasures around me. +The idea was not quite so demented as it may seem, because we +were in the habit of singing, as well as reading, of those +enraptured beings who spend their days in 'flinging down their +golden crowns upon the jasper sea'. Why, I argued, should I not +be able to fling down my straw hat upon the tides of Oddicombe? +And, without question, a majestic scene upon the Lake of +Gennesaret had also inflamed my fancy. Of all these things, of +course, I was careful to speak to no one. + +It was not with Miss Marks, however, but with my Father, that I +became accustomed to make the laborious and exquisite journeys +down to the sea and back again. His work as a naturalist +eventually took him, laden with implements, to the rock-pools on +the shore, and I was in attendance as an acolyte. But our +earliest winter in South Devon was darkened for us both by +disappointments, the cause of which lay, at the time, far out of +my reach. In the spirit of my Father were then running, with +furious velocity, two hostile streams of influence. I was +standing, just now, thinking of these things, where the Cascine +ends in the wooded point which is carved out sharply by the lion- +coloured swirl of the Arno on the one side and by the pure flow +of the Mugnone on the other. The rivers meet, and run parallel, +but there comes a moment when the one or the other must conquer, +and it is the yellow vehemence that drowns the purer tide. + +So, through my Father's brain, in that year of scientific crisis, +1857, there rushed two kinds of thought, each absorbing, each +convincing, yet totally irreconcilable. There is a peculiar agony +in the paradox that truth has two forms, each of them +indisputable, yet each antagonistic to the other. It was this +discovery, that there were two theories of physical life, each of +which was true, but the truth of each incompatible with the truth +of the other, which shook the spirit of my Father with +perturbation. It was not, really, a paradox, it was a fallacy, if +he could only have known it, but he allowed the turbid volume of +superstition to drown the delicate stream of reason. He took one +step in the service of truth, and then he drew back in an agony, +and accepted the servitude of error. + +This was the great moment in the history of thought when the +theory of the mutability of species was preparing to throw a +flood of light upon all departments of human speculation and +action. It was becoming necessary to stand emphatically in one +army or the other. Lyell was surrounding himself with disciples, +who were making strides in the direction of discovery. Darwin had +long been collecting facts with regard to the variation of +animals and plants. Hooker and Wallace, Asa Gray and even +Agassiz, each in his own sphere, were coming closer and closer to +a perception of that secret which was first to reveal itself +clearly to the patient and humble genius of Darwin. In the year +before, in 1856, Darwin, under pressure from Lyell, had begun +that modest statement of the new revelation, that 'abstract of an +essay', which developed so mightily into 'The Origin of Species'. +Wollaston's 'Variation of Species' had just appeared, and had +been a nine days' wonder in the wilderness. + +On the other side, the reactionaries, although never dreaming of +the fate which hung over them, had not been idle. In 1857 the +astounding question had for the first time been propounded with +contumely, 'What, then, did we come from an orang-outang?' The +famous 'Vestiges of Creation' had been supplying a sugar-and- +water panacea for those who could not escape from the trend of +evidence, and who yet clung to revelation. Owen was encouraging +reaction by resisting, with all the strength of his prestige, the +theory of the mutability of species. + +In this period of intellectual ferment, as when a great political +revolution is being planned, many possible adherents were +confidentially tested with hints and encouraged to reveal their +bias in a whisper. It was the notion of Lyell, himself a great +mover of men, that, before the doctrine of natural selection was +given to a world which would be sure to lift up at it a howl of +execration, a certain bodyguard of sound and experienced +naturalists, expert in the description of species, should be +privately made aware of its tenor. Among those who were thus +initiated, or approached with a view towards possible +illumination, was my Father. He was spoken to by Hooker, and +later on by Darwin, after meetings of the Royal Society in the +summer of 1857. + +My Father's attitude towards the theory of natural selection was +critical in his career, and oddly enough, it exercised an immense +influence on my own experience as a child. Let it be admitted at +once, mournful as the admission is, that every instinct in his +intelligence went out at first to greet the new light. It had +hardly done so, when a recollection of the opening chapter of +'Genesis' checked it at the outset. He consulted with Carpenter, a +great investigator, but one who was fully as incapable as himself +of remodelling his ideas with regard to the old, accepted +hypotheses. They both determined, on various grounds, to have +nothing to do with the terrible theory, but to hold steadily to +the law of the fixity of species. It was exactly at this juncture +that we left London, and the slight and occasional but always +extremely salutary personal intercourse with men of scientific +leading which my Father had enjoyed at the British Museum and at +the Royal Society came to an end. His next act was to burn his +ships down to the last beam and log out of which a raft could +have been made. By a strange act of wilfulness, he closed the +doors upon himself forever. + +My Father had never admired Sir Charles Lyell. I think that the +famous 'Lord Chancellor manner' of the geologist intimidated him, +and we undervalue the intelligence of those whose conversation +puts us at a disadvantage. For Darwin and Hooker, on the other +hand, he had a profound esteem, and I know not whether this had +anything to do with the fact that he chose, for his impetuous +experiment in reaction, the field of geology, rather than that of +zoology or botany. Lyell had been threatening to publish a book +on the geological history of Man, which was to be a bombshell +flung into the camp of the catastrophists. My Father, after long +reflection, prepared a theory of his own, which, as he fondly +hoped, would take the wind out of Lyell's sails, and justify +geology to godly readers of 'Genesis'. It was, very briefly, that +there had been no gradual modification of the surface of the +earth, or slow development of organic forms, but that when the +catastrophic act of creation took place, the world presented, +instantly, the structural appearance of a planet on which life +had long existed. + +The theory, coarsely enough, and to my Father's great +indignation, was defined by a hasty press as being this--that God +hid the fossils in the rocks in order to tempt geologists into +infidelity. In truth, it was the logical and inevitable +conclusion of accepting, literally, the doctrine of a sudden act +of creation; it emphasized the fact that any breach in the +circular course of nature could be conceived only on the +supposition that the object created bore false witness to past +processes, which had never taken place. For instance, Adam would +certainly possess hair and teeth and bones in a condition which +it must have taken many years to accomplish, yet he was created +full-grown yesterday. He would certainly--though Sir Thomas +Browne denied it--display an 'omphalos', yet no umbilical cord +had ever attached him to a mother. + +Never was a book cast upon the waters with greater anticipations +of success than was this curious, this obstinate, this fanatical +volume. My Father lived in a fever of suspense, waiting for the +tremendous issue. This 'Omphalos' of his, he thought, was to +bring all the turmoil of scientific speculation to a close, fling +geology into the arms of Scripture, and make the lion eat grass +with the lamb. It was not surprising, he admitted, that there had +been experienced an ever-increasing discord between the facts +which geology brings to light and the direct statements of the +early chapters of 'Genesis'. Nobody was to blame for that. My +Father, and my Father alone, possessed the secret of the enigma; +he alone held the key which could smoothly open the lock of +geological mystery. He offered it, with a glowing gesture, to +atheists and Christians alike. This was to be the universal +panacea; this the system of intellectual therapeutics which could +not but heal all the maladies of the age. But, alas! atheists and +Christians alike looked at it, and laughed, and threw it away. + +In the course of that dismal winter, as the post began to bring +in private letters, few and chilly, and public reviews, many and +scornful, my Father looked in vain for the approval of the +churches, and in vain for the acquiescence of the scientific +societies, and in vain for the gratitude of those 'thousands of +thinking persons', which he had rashly assured himself of +receiving. As his reconciliation of Scripture statements and +geological deductions was welcomed nowhere, as Darwin continued +silent, and the youthful Huxley was scornful, and even Charles +Kingsley, from whom my Father had expected the most instant +appreciation, wrote that he could not 'give up the painful and +slow conclusion of five and twenty years' study of geology, and +believe that God has written on the rocks one enormous and +superfluous lie',--as all this happened or failed to happen, a +gloom, cold and dismal, descended upon our morning teacups. It +was what the poets mean by an 'inspissated' gloom; it thickened +day by day, as hope and self-confidence evaporated in thin clouds +of disappointment. My Father was not prepared for such a fate. He +had been the spoiled darling of the public, the constant +favourite of the press, and now, like the dark angels of old, + + so huge a rout + Encumbered him with ruin. + +He could not recover from amazement at having offended everybody +by an enterprise which had been undertaken in the cause of +universal reconciliation. + +During that grim season, my Father was no lively companion, and +circumstance after circumstance combined to drive him further +from humanity. He missed more than ever the sympathetic ear of my +Mother; there was present to support him nothing of that artful, +female casuistry which insinuates into the wounded consciousness +of a man the conviction that, after all, he is right and all the +rest of the world is wrong. My Father used to tramp in solitude +around and around the red ploughed field which was going to be +his lawn, or sheltering himself from the thin Devonian rain, pace +up and down the still-naked verandah where blossoming creepers +were to be. And I think that there was added to his chagrin with +all his fellow mortals a first tincture of that heresy which was +to attack him later on. It was now that, I fancy, he began, in +his depression, to be angry with God. How much devotion had he +given, how many sacrifices had he made, only to be left storming +around this red morass with no one in all the world to care for +him except one pale-faced child with its cheek pressed to the +window! + +After one or two brilliant excursions to the sea, winter, in its +dampest, muddiest, most languid form, had fallen upon us and shut +us in. It was a dreary winter for the wifeless man and the +motherless boy. We had come into the house, in precipitate +abandonment to that supposed answer to prayer, a great deal too +soon. In order to rake together the lump sum for buying it, my +Father had denuded himself of almost everything, and our sticks +of chairs and tables filled but two or three rooms. Half the +little house, or 'villa' as we called it, was not papered, two- +thirds were not furnished. The workmen were still finishing the +outside when we arrived, and in that connection I recall a little +incident which exhibits my Father's morbid delicacy of +conscience. He was accustomed in his brighter moments--and this +was before the publication of his 'Omphalos'--occasionally to +sing loud Dorsetshire songs of his early days, in a strange, +broad Wessex lingo that I loved. One October afternoon he and I +were sitting on the verandah, and my Father was singing; just +around the corner, out of sight, two carpenters were putting up +the framework of a greenhouse. In a pause, one of them said to +his fellow: 'He can zing a zong, zo well's another, though he be +a minister.' My Father, who was holding my hand loosely, clutched +it, and looking up, I saw his eyes darken. He never sang a +secular song again during the whole of his life. + +Later in the year, and after his literary misfortune, his +conscience became more troublesome than ever. I think he +considered the failure of his attempt at the reconciliation of +science with religion to have been intended by God as a +punishment for something he had done or left undone. In those +brooding tramps around and around the garden, his soul was on its +knees searching the corners of his conscience for some sin of +omission or commission, and one by one every pleasure, every +recreation, every trifle scraped out of the dust of past +experience, was magnified into a huge offence. He thought that +the smallest evidence of levity, the least unbending to human +instinct, might be seized by those around him as evidence of +inconsistency, and might lead the weaker brethren into offence. +The incident of the carpenters and the comic song is typical of a +condition of mind which now possessed my Father, in which act +after act became taboo, not because each was sinful in itself, +but because it might lead others into sin. + +I have the conviction that Miss Marks was now mightily afraid of +my Father. Whenever she could, she withdrew to the room she +called her 'boudoir', a small, chilly apartment, sparsely +furnished, looking over what was in process of becoming the +vegetable garden. Very properly, that she might have some +sanctuary, Miss Marks forbade me to enter this virginal bower, +which, of course, became to me an object of harrowing curiosity. +Through the key-hole I could see practically nothing; one day I +contrived to slip inside, and discovered that there was nothing +to see but a plain bedstead and a toilet-table, void of all +attraction. In this 'boudoir', on winter afternoons, a fire would +be lighted, and Miss Marks would withdraw to it, not seen by us +anymore between high-tea and the apocalyptic exercise known as +'worship'--in less strenuous households much less austerely +practised under the name of 'family prayers'. Left meanwhile to +our own devices, my Father would mainly be reading his book or +paper held close up to the candle, while his lips and heavy +eyebrows occasionally quivered and palpitated, with literary +ardour, in a manner strangely exciting to me. Miss Marks, in a +very high cap, and her large teeth shining, would occasionally +appear in the doorway, desiring, with spurious geniality, to know +how we were 'getting on'. But on these occasions neither of us +replied to Miss Marks. + +Sometimes in the course of this winter, my Father and I had long +cosy talks together over the fire. Our favourite subject was +murders. I wonder whether little boys of eight, soon to go +upstairs alone at night, often discuss violent crime with a +widower-papa? The practice, I cannot help thinking, is unusual; +it was, however, consecutive with us. We tried other secular +subjects, but we were sure to come around at last to 'what do you +suppose they really did with the body?' I was told, a thrilled +listener, the adventure of Mrs. Manning, who killed a gentleman on +the stairs and buried him in quick-lime in the back-kitchen, and +it was at this time that I learned the useful historical fact, +which abides with me after half a century, that Mrs. Manning was +hanged in black satin, which thereupon went wholly out of fashion +in England. I also heard about Burke and Hare, whose story nearly +froze me into stone with horror. + +These were crimes which appear in the chronicles. But who will +tell me what 'the Carpet-bag Mystery' was, which my Father and I +discussed evening after evening? I have never come across a +whisper of it since, and I suspect it of having been a hoax. As I +recall the details, people in a boat, passing down the Thames, +saw a carpet-bag hung high in air, on one of the projections of a +pier of Waterloo Bridge. Being with difficulty dragged down--or +perhaps up--this bag was found to be full of human remains, +dreadful butcher's business of joints and fragments. Persons were +missed, were identified, were again denied--the whole is a vapour +in my memory which shifts as I try to define it. But clear enough +is the picture I hold of myself, in a high chair, on the left- +hand side of the sitting-room fireplace, the leaping flames +reflected in the glass-case of tropical insects on the opposite +wall, and my Father, leaning anxiously forward, with uplifted +finger, emphasizing to me the pros and cons of the horrible +carpet-bag evidence. + +I suppose that my interest in these discussions--and Heaven knows +I was animated enough--amused and distracted my Father, whose +idea of a suitable theme for childhood's ear now seems to me +surprising. I soon found that these subjects were not welcome to +everybody, for, starting the Carpet-bag Mystery one morning with +Miss Marks, in the hope of delaying my arithmetic lesson, she +fairly threw her apron over her ears, and told me, from that +vantage, that if I did not desist at once, she should scream. + +Occasionally we took winter walks together, my Father and I, down +some lane that led to a sight of the sea, or over the rolling +downs. We tried to recapture the charm of those delightful +strolls in London, when we used to lean over the bridges and +watch the ducks. But we could not recover this pleasure. My +Father was deeply enwoven in the chain of his own thoughts, and +would stalk on, without a word, buried in angry reverie. If he +spoke to me, on these excursions, it was a pain to me to answer +him. I could talk on easy terms with him indoors, seated in my +high chair, with our heads on a level, but it was intolerably +laborious to look up into the firmament and converse with a dark +face against the sky. The actual exercise of walking, too, was +very exhausting to me; the bright red mud, to the strange colour +of which I could not for a long while get accustomed, becoming +caked about my little shoes, and wearying me extremely. I would +grow petulant and cross, contradict my Father, and oppose his +whims. These walks were distressing to us both, yet he did not +like to walk alone, and he had no other friend. However, as the +winter advanced, they had to be abandoned, and the habit of our +taking a 'constitutional' together was never resumed. + +I look back upon myself at this time as upon a cantankerous, ill- +tempered and unobliging child. The only excuse I can offer is +that I really was not well. The change to Devonshire had not +suited me; my health gave the excellent Miss Marks some anxiety, +but she was not ready in resource. The dampness of the house was +terrible; indoors and out, the atmosphere seemed soaked in chilly +vapours. Under my bed-clothes at night I shook like a jelly, +unable to sleep for cold, though I was heaped with coverings, +while my skin was all puckered with gooseflesh. I could eat +nothing solid, without suffering immediately from violent +hiccough, so that much of my time was spent lying prone on my +back upon the hearthrug, awakening the echoes like a cuckoo. Miss +Marks, therefore, cut off all food but milk-sop, a loathly bowl +of which appeared at every meal. In consequence the hiccough +lessened, but my strength declined with it. I languished in a +perpetual catarrh. I was roused to a conscious-ness that I was +not considered well by the fact that my Father prayed publicly at +morning and evening 'worship' that if it was the Lord's will to +take me to himself there might be no doubt whatever about my +being a sealed child of God and an inheritor of glory. I was +partly disconcerted by, partly vain of, this open advertisement +of my ailments. + +Of our dealings with the 'Saints', a fresh assortment of whom met +us on our arrival in Devonshire, I shall speak presently. My +Father's austerity of behaviour was, I think, perpetually +accentuated by his fear of doing anything to offend the +consciences of these persons, whom he supposed, no doubt, to be +more sensitive than they really were. He was fond of saying that +'a very little stain upon the conscience makes a wide breach in +our communion with God', and he counted possible errors of +conduct by hundreds and by thousands. It was in this winter that +his attention was particularly drawn to the festival of +Christmas, which, apparently, he had scarcely noticed in London. + +On the subject of all feasts of the Church he held views of an +almost grotesque peculiarity. He looked upon each of them as +nugatory and worthless, but the keeping of Christmas appeared to +him by far the most hateful, and nothing less than an act of +idolatry. 'The very word is Popish', he used to exclaim, +'Christ's Mass!' pursing up his lips with the gesture of one who +tastes assafoetida by accident. Then he would adduce the +antiquity of the so-called feast, adapted from horrible heathen +rites, and itself a soiled relic of the abominable Yule-Tide. He +would denounce the horrors of Christmas until it almost made me +blush to look at a holly-berry. + +On Christmas Day of this year 1857 our villa saw a very unusual +sight. My Father had given strictest charge that no difference +whatever was to be made in our meals on that day; the dinner was +to be neither more copious than usual nor less so. He was obeyed, +but the servants, secretly rebellious, made a small plum-pudding +for themselves. (I discovered afterwards, with pain, that Miss +Marks received a slice of it in her boudoir.) Early in the +afternoon, the maids,--of whom we were now advanced to keeping +two,--kindly remarked that 'the poor dear child ought to have a +bit, anyhow', and wheedled me into the kitchen, where I ate a +slice of plum-pudding. Shortly I began to feel that pain inside +which in my frail state was inevitable, and my conscience smote +me violently. At length I could bear my spiritual anguish no +longer, and bursting into the study I called out: 'Oh! Papa, +Papa, I have eaten of flesh offered to idols!' It took some time, +between my sobs, to explain what had happened. Then my Father +sternly said: 'Where is the accursed thing?' I explained that as +much as was left of it was still on the kitchen table. He took me +by the hand, and ran with me into the midst of the startled +servants, seized what remained of the pudding, and with the plate +in one hand and me still tight in the other, ran until we reached +the dust-heap, when he flung the idolatrous confectionery on to +the middle of the ashes, and then raked it deep down into the +mass. The suddenness, the violence, the velocity of this +extraordinary act made an impression on my memory which nothing +will ever efface. + +The key is lost by which I might unlock the perverse malady from +which my Father's conscience seemed to suffer during the whole of +this melancholy winter. But I think that a dislocation of his +intellectual system had a great deal to do with it. Up to this +point in his career, he had, as we have seen, nourished the +delusion that science and revelation could be mutually justified, +that some sort of compromise was possible. With great and ever +greater distinctness, his investigations had shown him that in +all departments of organic nature there are visible the evidences +of slow modification of forms, of the type developed by the +pressure and practice of aeons. This conviction had been borne +in upon him until it was positively irresistible. Where was his +place, then, as a sincere and accurate observer? Manifestly, it +was with the pioneers of the new truth, it was with Darwin, +Wallace and Hooker. But did not the second chapter of 'Genesis' +say that in six days the heavens and earth were finished, and the +host of them, and that on the seventh day God ended his work +which he had made? + +Here was a dilemma! Geology certainly seemed to be true, but the +Bible, which was God's word, was true. If the Bible said that all +things in Heaven and Earth were created in six days, created in +six days they were,--in six literal days of twenty-four hours +each. The evidences of spontaneous variation of form, acting, +over an immense space of time, upon ever-modifying organic +structures, seemed overwhelming, but they must either be brought +into line with the six-day labour of creation, or they must be +rejected. I have already shown how my Father worked out the +ingenious 'Omphalos' theory in order to justify himself as a +strictly scientific observer who was also a humble slave of +revelation. But the old convention and the new rebellion would +alike have none of his compromise. + +To a mind so acute and at the same time so narrow as that of my +Father--a mind which is all logical and positive without breadth, +without suppleness and without imagination--to be subjected to a +check of this kind is agony. It has not the relief of a smaller +nature, which escapes from the dilemma by some foggy formula; nor +the resolution of a larger nature to take to its wings and +surmount the obstacle. My Father, although half suffocated by the +emotion of being lifted, as it were, on the great biological +wave, never dreamed of letting go his clutch of the ancient +tradition, but hung there, strained and buffeted. It is +extraordinary that he--an 'honest hodman of science', as Huxley +once called him--should not have been content to allow others, +whose horizons were wider than his could be, to pursue those +purely intellectual surveys for which he had no species of +aptitude. As a collector of facts and marshaller of observations, +he had not a rival in that age; his very absence of imagination +aided him in this work. But he was more an attorney than +philosopher, and he lacked that sublime humility which is the +crown of genius. For, this obstinate persuasion that he alone +knew the mind of God, that he alone could interpret the designs +of the Creator, what did it result from if not from a congenital +lack of that highest modesty which replies 'I do not know' even +to the questions which Faith, with menacing forger, insists on +having most positively answered? + +CHAPTER VI + +DURING the first year of our life in Devonshire, the ninth year +of my age, my Father's existence, and therefore mine, was almost +entirely divided between attending to the little community of +'Saints' in the village and collecting, examining and describing +marine creatures from the seashore. In the course of these twelve +months, we had scarcely any social distractions of any kind, and +I never once crossed the bounds of the parish. After the worst of +the winter was over, my Father recovered much of his spirits and +his power of work, and the earliest sunshine soothed and +refreshed us both. I was still almost always with him, but we had +now some curious companions. + +The village, at the southern end of which our villa stood, was +not pretty. It had no rural picturesqueness of any kind. The only +pleasant feature of it, the handsome and ancient parish church +with its umbrageous churchyard, was then almost entirely +concealed by a congress of mean shops, which were ultimately, +before the close of my childhood, removed. The village consisted +of two parallel lines of contiguous houses, all white-washed and +most of them fronted by a trifling shop-window; for half a mile +this street ascended to the church, and then descended for +another half-mile, ending suddenly in fields, the hedges of which +displayed, at intervals, the inevitable pollard elm-tree. + +The walk through the village, which we seemed make incessantly, +was very wearisome to me. I dreaded the rudeness of the children, +and there was nothing in the shops to amuse me. Walking on the +inch or two of broken pavement in front of the houses was +disagreeable and tiresome, and the odor which breathed on close +days from the open doors and windows made me feel faint. But this +walk was obligatory, since the 'Public Room', as our little +chapel was called, lay at the farther extremity of the dreary +street. + +We attended this place of worship immediately on our arrival, and +my Father, uninvited but unresisted, immediately assumed the +administration of it. It was a square, empty room, built, for I +know not what purpose, over a stable. Ammoniac odours used to +rise through the floor as we sat there at our long devotions. +Before our coming, a little flock of persons met in the Room, a +community of the indefinite sort just then becoming frequent in +the West of England, pious rustics connected with no other +recognized body of Christians, and depending directly on the +independent study of the Bible. They were largely women, but +there was more than a sprinkling of men, poor, simple and +generally sickly. In later days, under my Father's ministration, +the body increased and positively flourished. It came to include +retired professional men, an admiral, nay, even the brother of a +peer. But in those earliest years the 'brethren' and 'sisters' +were all of them ordinary peasants. They were jobbing gardeners +and journeymen carpenters, masons and tailors, washerwomen and +domestic servants. I wish that I could paint, in colours so vivid +that my readers could perceive what their little society +consisted of, this quaint collection of humble, conscientious, +ignorant and gentle persons. In chronicle or fiction I have never +been fortunate enough to meet with anything which resembled them. +The caricatures of enmity and worldly scorn are as crude, to my +memory, as the unction of religious conventionality is +featureless. + +The origin of the meeting had been odd. A few years before we +came, a crew of Cornish fishermen, quite unknown to the +villagers, were driven by stress of weather into the haven under +the cliff. They landed, and, instead of going to a public-house, +they looked about for a room where they could hold a prayer- +meeting. They were devout Wesleyans; they had come from the open +sea, they were far from home, and they had been starved by lack +of their customary religious privileges. As they stood about in +the street before their meeting, they challenged the respectable +girls who came out to stare at them, with the question, 'Do you +love the Lord Jesus, my maid?' Receiving dubious answers, they +pressed the inhabitants to come in and pray with them, which +several did. Ann Burmington, who long afterwards told me about +it, was one of those girls, and she repeated that the fishermen +said, 'What a dreadful thing it will be, at the Last Day, when +the Lord says, "Come, ye blessed", and says it not to you, and +then, "Depart ye cursed", and you maidens have to depart.' They +were finely-built young men, with black beards and shining eyes, +and I do not question that some flash of sex unconsciously +mingled with the curious episode, although their behaviour was in +all respects discreet. It was, perhaps, not wholly a coincidence +that almost all those particular girls remained unmarried to the +end of their lives. After two or three days, the fishermen went +off to sea again. They prayed and sailed away, and the girls, who +had not even asked their names, never heard of them again. But +several of the young women were definitely converted, and they +formed the nucleus of our little gathering. + +My Father preached, standing at a desk; or celebrated the +communion in front of a deal table, with a white napkin spread +over it. Sometimes the audience was so small, generally so +unexhilarating, that he was discouraged, but he never flagged in +energy and zeal. Only those who had given evidence of intelligent +acceptance of the theory of simple faith in their atonement +through the Blood of Jesus were admitted to the communion, or, as +it was called, 'the Breaking of Bread'. It was made a very strong +point that no one should 'break bread', unless for good reason +shown--until he or she had been baptized, that is to say, +totally immersed, in solemn conclave, by the ministering brother. +This rite used, in our earliest days, to be performed, with +picturesque simplicity, in the sea on the Oddicombe beach, but to +this there were, even in those quiet years, extreme objections. A +jeering crowd could scarcely be avoided, and women, in +particular, shrank from the ordeal. This used to be a practical +difficulty, and my Father, when communicants confessed that they +had not yet been baptized, would shake his head and say gravely, +'Ah! ah! you shun the Cross of Christ!' But that baptism in the +sea on the open beach _was_ a 'cross', he would not deny, and when +we built our own little chapel, a sort of font, planked over, was +arranged in the room itself. + +Among these quiet, taciturn people, there were several whom I +recall with affection. In this remote corner of Devonshire, on +the road nowhither, they had preserved much of the air of that +eighteenth century which the elders among them perfectly +remembered. There was one old man, born before the French +Revolution, whose figure often recurs to me. This was James +Petherbridge, the Nestor of our meeting, extremely tall and +attenuated; he came on Sundays in a full, white smockfrock, +smartly embroidered down the front, and when he settled himself +to listen, he would raise this smock like a skirt, and reveal a +pair of immensely long thin legs, cased in tight leggings, and +ending in shoes with buckles. As the sacred message fell from my +Father's lips the lantern jaws of Mr. Petherbridge slowly fell +apart, while his knees sloped to so immense a distance from one +another that it seemed as though they never could meet again. He +had been pious all his life, and he would tell us, in some modest +pride, that when he was a lad, the farmer's wife who was his +mistress used to say, 'I think our Jem is going to be a Methody, +he do so hanker after godly discoursings.' Mr. Petherbridge was +accustomed to pray orally at our prayer-meetings, in a funny old +voice like wind in a hollow tree, and he seldom failed to express +a hope that 'the Lord would support Miss Lafroy'-- who was the +village schoolmistress, and one of our congregation,--'in her +labour of teaching the young idea how to shoot'. I, not +understanding this literary allusion, long believed the school to +be addicted to some species of pistol-practice. + +The key of the Room was kept by Richard Moxhay, the mason, who +was of a generation younger than Mr. Petherbridge, but yet +'getting on in years'. Moxhay, I cannot tell why, was always +dressed in white corduroy, on which any stain of Devonshire +scarlet mud was painfully conspicuous; when he was smartened up, +his appearance suggested that somebody had given him a coating of +that rich Western whitewash which looks like Devonshire cream. +His locks were long and sparse, and as deadly black as his +clothes were white. He was a modest, gentle man, with a wife even +more meek and gracious than himself. They never, to my +recollection, spoke unless they were spoken to, and their +melancholy impassiveness used to vex my Father, who once, +referring to the Moxhays, described them, sententiously but +justly, as being 'laborious, but it would be an exaggeration to +say happy, Christians'. Indeed, my memory pictures almost all the +'saints' of that early time as sad and humble souls, lacking +vitality, yet not complaining of anything definite. A quite +surprising number of them, it is true, male and female, suffered +from different forms of consumption, so that the Room rang in +winter evenings with a discord of hacking coughs. But it seems to +me that, when I was quite young, half the inhabitants of our +rural district were affected with phthisis. No doubt, our +peculiar religious community was more likely to attract the +feeble members of a population, than to tempt the flush and the +fair. + +Miss Marks, patient pilgrim that she was, accepted this quaint +society without a murmur, although I do not think it was much to +her taste. But in a very short time it was sweetened to her by +the formation of a devoted and romantic friendship for one of the +'sisters', who was, indeed, if my childish recollection does not +fail me, a very charming person. The consequence of this +enthusiastic alliance was that I was carried into the bosom of +the family to which Miss Marks' new friend belonged, and of these +excellent people I must give what picture I can. + +Almost opposite the Room, therefore at the far end of the +village, across one of the rare small gardens (in which this +first winter I discovered with rapture the magenta stars of a new +flower, hepatica)--a shop-window displayed a thin row of plates +and dishes, cups and saucers; above it was painted the name of +Burmington. This china-shop was the property of three orphan +sisters, Ann, Mary Grace, and Bess, the latter lately married to +a carpenter, who was 'elder' at our meeting; the other two, +resolute old maids. Ann, whom I have already mentioned, had been +one of the girls converted by the Cornish fishermen. She was +about ten years older than Bess, and Mary Grace came halfway +between them. Ann was a very worthy woman, but masterful and +passionate, suffering from an ungovernable temper, which at +calmer moments she used to refer to, not without complacency, as +'the sin which doth most easily beset me'. Bess was +insignificant, and vulgarized by domestic cares. But Mary Grace +was a delightful creature. The Burmingtons lived in what was +almost the only old house surviving in the village. It was an +extraordinary construction of two storeys, with vast rooms, and +winding passages, and surprising changes of level. The sisters +were poor, but very industrious, and never in anything like want; +they sold, as I have said, crockery, and they took in washing, +and did a little fine needlework, and sold the produce of a +great, vague garden at the back. In process of time, the elder +sisters took a young woman, whose name was Drusilla Elliott, to +live with them as servant and companion; she was a converted +person, worshipping with a kindred sect, the Bible Christians. I +remember being much interested in hearing how Bess, before her +marriage, became converted. Mary Grace, on account of her infirm +health, slept alone in one room; in another, of vast size, stood +a family fourposter, where Ann slept with Drusilla Elliott, and +another bed in the same room took Bess. The sisters and their +friend had been constantly praying that Bess might 'find peace', +for she was still a stranger to salvation. One night, she +suddenly called out, rather crossly, 'What are you two whispering +about? Do go to sleep,' to which Ann replied: 'We are praying for +you.' 'How do you know,' answered Bess, 'that I don't believe?' And +then she told them that, that very night, when she was sitting in +the shop, she had closed with God's offer of redemption. Late in +the night as it was, Ann and Drusilla could do no less than go in +and waken Mary Grace, whom, however, they found awake, praying, +she too, for the conversion of Bess. They told her the good news, +and all four, kneeling in the darkness, gave thanks aloud to God +for his infinite mercy. + +It was Mary Grace Burmington who now became the romantic friend +of Miss Marks, and a sort of second benevolence to me. She must +have been under thirty years of age; she wax very small, and she +was distressingly deformed in the spine, but she had an animated, +almost a sparkling countenance. When we first arrived in the +village, Mary Grace was only just recovering from a gastric fever +which had taken her close to the grave. I remember hearing that +the vicar, a stout and pompous man at whom we always glared +defiance, went, in Mary Grace's supposed extremity, to the +Burmingtons' shop-door, and shouted: 'Peace be to this house,' +intending to offer his ministrations, but that Ann, who was in +one of her tantrums, positively hounded him from the doorstep and +down the garden, in her passionate nonconformity. Mary Grace, +however, recovered, and soon became, not merely Miss Marks' +inseparable friend, but my Father's spiritual factotum. He found +it irksome to visit the 'saints' from house to house, and Mary +Grace Burmington gladly assumed this labour. She proved a most +efficient coadjutor; searched out, cherished and confirmed any of +those, especially the young, who were attracted by my Father's +preaching, and for several years was a great joy and comfort to +us all. Even when her illness so increased that she could no +longer rise from her bed, she was a centre of usefulness and +cheerfulness from that retreat, where she 'received', in a kind +of rustic state, under a patchwork coverlid that was like a +basket of flowers. + +My Father, ever reflecting on what could be done to confirm my +spiritual vocation, to pin me down, as it were, beyond any +possibility of escape, bethought him that it would accustom me to +what he called 'pastoral work in the Lord's service', if I +accompanied Mary Grace on her visits from house to house. If it +is remembered that I was only eight and a half when this scheme +was carried into practice, it will surprise no one to hear that +it was not crowned with success. I disliked extremely this +visitation of the poor. I felt shy, I had nothing to say, with +difficulty could I understand their soft Devonian patois, and +most of all--a signal perhaps of my neurotic condition--I dreaded +and loathed the smells of their cottages. One had to run over the +whole gamut of odours, some so faint that they embraced the +nostril with a fairy kiss, others bluntly gross, of the 'knock- +you-down' order; some sweet, with a dreadful sourness; some +bitter, with a smack of rancid hair-oil. There were fine manly +smells of the pigsty and the open drain, and these prided +themselves on being all they seemed to be; but there were also +feminine odours, masquerading as you knew not what, in which +penny whiffs, vials of balm and opoponax, seemed to have become +tainted, vaguely, with the residue of the slop-pail. It was not, +I think, that the villagers were particularly dirty, but those +were days before the invention of sanitary science, and my poor +young nose was morbidly, nay ridiculously sensitive. I often came +home from 'visiting the saints' absolutely incapable of eating +the milk-sop, with brown sugar strewn over it, which was my +evening meal. + +There was one exception to my unwillingness to join in the +pastoral labours of Mary Grace. When she announced, on a fine +afternoon, that we were going to Pavor and Barton, I was always +agog to start. These were two hamlets in our parish, and, I +should suppose, the original home of its population. Pavor was, +even then, decayed almost to extinction, but Barton preserved its +desultory street of ancient, detached cottages. Each, however +poor, had a wild garden around it, and, where the inhabitants +possessed some pride in their surroundings, the roses and the +jasmines and that distinguished creeper,--which one sees nowhere +at its best but in Devonshire cottage-gardens,--the stately +cotoneaster, made the whole place a bower. Barton was in vivid +contrast to our own harsh, open, squalid village, with its mean +modern houses, its absence of all vegetation. The ancient +thatched cottages of Barton were shut in by moist hills, and +canopied by ancient trees; they were approached along a deep lane +which was all a wonder and a revelation to me that spring, since, +in the very words of Shelley: + + There in the warm hedge grew lush eglantine, + Green cow-bind and the moonlight-coloured may, + And cherry blossoms, and white cups, whose wine + Was the bright dew yet drained not by the day; + And wild roses, and ivy serpentine + With its dark buds and leaves, wandering astray. + +Around and beyond Barton there lay fairyland. All was mysterious, +unexplored, rich with infinite possibilities. I should one day +enter it, the sword of make-believe in my hand, the cap of +courage on my head, 'when you are a big boy', said the oracle of +Mary Grace. For the present, we had to content ourselves with +being an unadventurous couple--a little woman, bent half-double, +and a preternaturally sedate small boy--as we walked very +slowly, side by side, conversing on terms of high familiarity, in +which Biblical and colloquial phrases were quaintly jumbled, +through the sticky red mud of the Pavor lanes with Barton as a +bourne before us. + +When we came home, my Father would sometimes ask me for +particulars. Where had we been, whom had we found at home, what +testimony had those visited been able to give of the Lord's +goodness to them, what had Mary Grace replied in the way of +exhortation, reproof or condolence? These questions I hated at +the time, but they were very useful to me, since they gave me the +habit of concentrating my attention on what was going on in the +course of our visits, in case I might be called upon to give a +report. My Father was very kind in the matter; he cultivated my +powers of expression, he did not snub me when I failed to be +intelligent. But I overheard Miss Marks and Mary Grace discussing +the whole question under the guise of referring to 'you know +whom, not a hundred miles hence', fancying that I could not +recognize their little ostrich because its head was in a bag of +metaphor. I understood perfectly, and gathered that they both of +them thought this business of my going into undrained cottages +injudicious. Accordingly, I was by degrees taken 'visiting' only +when Mary Grace was going into the country-hamlets, and then I +was usually left outside, to skip among the flowers and stalk the +butterflies. + +I must not, however, underestimate the very prominent part taken +all through this spring and summer of 1858 by the collection of +specimens on the seashore. My Father had returned, the chagrin of +his failure in theorizing now being mitigated, to what was his +real work in life, the practical study of animal forms in detail. +He was not a biologist, in the true sense of the term. That +luminous indication which Flaubert gives of what the action of +the scientific mind should be, _affranchissant esprit et pesant +les mondes, sans haine, sans peur, sans pitie, sans amour et sans +Dieu_, was opposed in every segment to the attitude of my Father, +who, nevertheless, was a man of very high scientific attainment. + +But, again I repeat, he was not a philosopher; he was incapable, +by temperament and education, of forming broad generalizations +and of escaping in a vast survey from the troublesome pettiness +of detail. He saw everything through a lens, nothing in the +immensity of nature. Certain senses were absent in him; I think +that, with all his justice, he had no conception of the +importance of liberty; with all his intelligence, the boundaries +of the atmosphere in which his mind could think at all were +always close about him; with all his faith in the Word of God, he +had no confidence in the Divine Benevolence; and with all his +passionate piety, he habitually mistook fear for love. + +It was down on the shore, tramping along the pebbled terraces of +the beach, clambering over the great blocks of fallen +conglomerate which broke the white curve with rufous promontories +that jutted into the sea, or, finally, bending over those shallow +tidal pools in the limestone rocks which were our proper hunting- +ground,--it was in such circumstances as these that my Father +became most easy, most happy, most human. That hard look across +his brows, which it wearied me to see, the look that came from +sleepless anxiety of conscience, faded away, and left the dark +countenance still always stern indeed, but serene and +unupbraiding. Those pools were our mirrors, in which, reflected +in the dark hyaline and framed by the sleek and shining fronds of +oar-weed there used to appear the shapes of a middle-aged man and +a funny little boy, equally eager, and, I almost find the +presumption to say, equally well prepared fog business. + +If anyone goes down to those shores now, if man or boy seeks to +follow in our traces, let him realize at once, before he takes +the trouble to roll up his sleeves, that his zeal will end in +labour lost. There is nothing, now, where in our days there was +so much. Then the rocks between tide and tide were submarine +gardens of a beauty that seemed often to be fabulous, and was +positively delusive, since, if we delicately lifted the +weedcurtains of a windless pool, though we might for a moment see +its sides and floor paven with living blossoms, ivory-white, +rosy-red, grange and amethyst, yet all that panoply would melt +away, furled into the hollow rock, if we so much as dropped a +pebble in to disturb the magic dream. + +Half a century ago, in many parts of the coast of Devonshire and +Cornwall, where the limestone at the water's edge is wrought into +crevices and hollows, the tideline was, like Keats' Grecian vase, +'a still unravished bride of quietness'. These cups and basins +were always full, whether the tide was high or low, and the only +way in which they were affected was that twice in the twenty-four +hours they were replenished by cold streams from the great sea, +and then twice were left brimming to be vivified by the temperate +movement of the upper air. They were living flower-beds, so +exquisite in their perfection, that my Father, in spite of his +scientific requirements, used not seldom to pause before he began +to rifle them, ejaculating that it was indeed a pity to disturb +such congregated beauty. The antiquity of these rock-pools, and +the infinite succession of the soft and radiant forms, sea- +anemones, seaweeds, shells, fishes, which had inhabited them, +undisturbed since the creation of the world, used to occupy my +Father's fancy. We burst in, he used to say, where no one had +ever thought of intruding before; and if the Garden of Eden had +been situate in Devonshire, Adam and Eve, stepping lightly down +to bathe in the rainbow-coloured spray, would have seen the +identical sights that we now saw,--the great prawns gliding like +transparent launches, anthea waving in the twilight its thick +white waxen tentacles, and the fronds of the duke faintly +streaming on the water like huge red banners in some reverted +atmosphere. + +All this is long over and done with. The ring of living beauty +drawn about our shores was a very thin and fragile one. It had +existed all those centuries solely in consequence of the +indifference, the blissful ignorance of man. These rockbasins, +fringed by corallines, filled with still water almost as pellucid +as the upper air itself, thronged with beautiful sensitive forms +of life, they exist no longer, they are all profaned, and +emptied, and vulgarized. An army of 'collectors' has passed over +them, and ravaged every corner of them. The fairy paradise has +been violated, the exquisite product of centuries of natural +selection has been crushed under the rough paw of well-meaning, +idle-minded curiosity. That my Father, himself so reverent, so +conservative, had by the popularity of his books acquired the +direct responsibility for a calamity that he had never +anticipated became clear enough to himself before many years had +passed, and cost him great chagrin. No one will see again on the +shore of England what I saw in my early childhood, the submarine +vision of dark rocks, speckled and starred with an infinite +variety of colour, and streamed over by silken flags of royal +crimson and purple. + +In reviving these impressions, I am unable to give any exact +chronological sequence to them. These particular adventures began +early in 1858, they reached their greatest intensity in the +summer of 1859, and they did not altogether cease, so far as my +Father was concerned, until nearly twenty years later. But it was +while he was composing what, as I am told by scientific men of +today, continues to be his most valuable contribution to +knowledge, his _History of the British Sea-Anemones and Corals_, +that we worked together on the shore for a definite purpose, and +the last instalment of that still-classic volume was ready for +press by the close of 1859. + +The way in which my Father worked, in his most desperate +escapades, was to wade breast-high into one of the huge pools, +and examine the worm-eaten surface of the rock above and below +the brim. In such remote places--spots where I could never +venture being left, a slightly timorous Andromeda, chained to a +safer level of the cliff--in these extreme basins, there used +often to lurk a marvellous profusion of animal and vegetable +forms. My Father would search for the roughest and most corroded +points of rock, those offering the best refuge for a variety of +creatures, and would then chisel off fragments as low down in the +water as he could. These pieces of rock were instantly plunged in +the saltwater of jars which we had brought with us for the +purpose. When as much had been collected as we could carry away-- +my Father always dragged about an immense square basket, the +creak of whose handles I can still fancy that I hear--we turned +to trudge up the long climb home. Then all our prizes were spread +out, face upward, in shallow pans of clean sea-water. + +In a few hours, when all dirt had subsided, and what living +creatures we had brought seemed to have recovered their +composure, my work began. My eyes were extremely keen and +powerful, though they were vexatiously near-sighted. Of no use in +examining objects at any distance, in investigating a minute +surface, my vision was trained to be invaluable. The shallow pan, +with our spoils, would rest on a table near the window, and I, +kneeling on a chair opposite the light, would lean over the +surface until everything was within an inch or two of my eyes. +Often I bent, in my zeal, so far forward that the water touched +the tip of my nose and gave me a little icy shock. In this +attitude, an idle spectator might have formed the impression that +I was trying to wash my head and could not quite summon up +resolution enough to plunge. In this odd pose I would remain for +a long time, holding my breath and examining with extreme care +every atom of rock, every swirl of detritus. This was a task +which my Father could only perform by the help of a lens, with +which, of course, he took care to supplement my examination. But +that my survey was of use, he has himself most handsomely +testified in his _Actinologia Britannica_, where he expresses his +debt to the 'keen and well-practised eye of my little son'. Nor, +if boasting is not to be excluded, is it every eminent biologist, +every proud and masterful F.R.S., who can lay his hand on his +heart and swear that, before reaching the age of ten years, he +had added, not merely a new species, but a new genus to the +British fauna. That however, the author of these pages can do, +who, on 29 June 1859, discovered a tiny atom,--and ran in the +greatest agitation to announce the discovery of that object 'as a +form with which he was unacquainted',--which figures since then +on all lists of sea-anemones as phellia murocincta, or the walled +corklet. Alas! that so fair a swallow should have made no +biological summer in after-life. + +These delicious agitations by the edge of the salt-sea wave must +have greatly improved my health, which however was still looked +upon as fragile. I was loaded with coats and comforters, and +strolled out between Miss Marks and Mary Grace Burmington, a +muffled ball of flannel. This alone was enough to give me a look +of delicacy which the 'saints', in their blunt way, made no +scruple of commenting upon to my face. I was greatly impressed by +a conversation held over my bed one evening by the servants. Our +cook, Susan, a person of enormous size, and Kate, the tattling, +tiresome parlour-maid who waited upon us, on the summer evening I +speak of were standing--I cannot tell why--on each side of my +bed. I shut my eyes, and lay quite still, in order to escape +conversing with them, and they spoke to one another. 'Ah, poor +lamb,' Kate said trivially, '_he's_ not long for this world; going +home to Jesus, he is,--in a jiffy, I should say by the look of +'un.' But Susan answered: 'Not so. I dreamed about 'un, and I +know for sure that he is to be spared for missionary service.' +'Missionary service?' repeated Kate, impressed. 'Yes,' Susan went +on, with solemn emphasis, 'he'll bleed for his Lord in heathen +parts, that's what the future have in store for _'im_.' When they +were gone, I beat upon the coverlid with my fists, and I +determined that whatever happened, I would not, not, _not_, go out +to preach the Gospel among horrid, tropical niggers. + +CHAPTER VII + +IN the history of an infancy so cloistered and uniform as mine, +such a real adventure as my being publicly and successfully +kidnapped cannot be overlooked. There were several 'innocents' in +our village--harmless eccentrics who had more or less +unquestionably crossed the barrier which divides the sane from +the insane. They were not discouraged by public opinion; indeed, +several of them were favoured beings, suspected by my Father of +exaggerating their mental density in order to escape having to +work, like dogs, who, as we all know, could speak as well as we +do, were they not afraid of being made to fetch and carry. Miss +Mary Flaw was not one of these imbeciles. She was what the French +call a _detraquee_; she had enjoyed good intelligence and an active +mind, but her wits had left the rails and were careening about +the country. Miss Flaw was the daughter of a retired Baptist +minister, and she lived, with I remember not what relations, in a +little solitary house high up at Barton Cross, whither Mary Grace +and I would sometimes struggle when our pastoral duties were +over. In later years, when I met with those celebrated verses in +which the philosopher expresses the hope + + In the downhill of life, when I find I'm declining, + May my lot no less fortunate be + Than a snug elbow-chair can afford for reclining, + And a cot that o'erlooks the wide sea + +my thoughts returned instinctively, and they still return, to the +high abode of Miss Flaw. There was a porch at her door, both for +shelter and shade, and it was covered with jasmine; but the charm +of the place was a summer-house close by, containing a table, +encrusted with cowry-shells, and seats from which one saw the +distant waters of the bay. At the entrance to this grotto there +was always set a 'snug elbow-chair', destined, I suppose, for the +Rev. Mr. Flaw, or else left there in pious memory of him, since I +cannot recollect whether he was alive or dead. + +I delighted in these visits to Mary Flaw. She always received us +with effusion, tripping forward to meet us, and leading us, each +by a hand held high, with a dancing movement which I thought +infinitely graceful, to the cowry-shell bower, where she would +regale us with Devonshire cream and with small hard biscuits that +were like pebbles. The conversation of Mary Flaw was a great +treat to me. I enjoyed its irregularities, its waywardness; it +was like a tune that wandered into several keys. As Mary Grace +Burmington put it, one never knew what dear Mary Flaw would say +next, and that she did not herself know added to the charm. She +had become crazed, poor thing, in consequence of a disappointment +in love, but of course I did not know that, nor that she was +crazed at all. I thought her brilliant and original, and I liked +her very much. In the light of coming events, it would be +affectation were I to pretend that she did not feel a similar +partiality for me. + +Miss Flaw was, from the first, devoted to my Father's +ministrations, and it was part of our odd village indulgence that +no one ever dreamed of preventing her from coming to the Room. On +Sunday evenings the bulk of the audience was arranged on forms, +with backs to them, set in the middle of the floor, with a +passage round them, while other forms were placed against the +walls. My Father preached from a lectern, facing the audience. If +darkness came on in the course of the service, Richard Moxhay, +glimmering in his cream-white corduroys, used to go slowly +around, lighting groups of tallow candles by the help of a box of +lucifers. Mary Flaw always assumed the place of honour, on the +left extremity of the front bench, immediately opposite my +Father. Miss Marks and Mary Grace, with me ensconced and almost +buried between them, occupied the right of the same bench. While +the lighting proceeded, Miss Flaw used to direct it from her +seat, silently, by pointing out to Moxhay, who took no notice, +what groups of candles he should light next. She did this just as +the clown in the circus directs the grooms how to move the +furniture, and Moxhay paid no more attention to her than the +grooms do to the clown. Miss Flaw had another peculiarity: she +silently went through a service exactly similar to ours, but much +briefer. The course of our evening service was this: My Father +prayed, and we all knelt down; then he gave out a hymn and most +of us stood up to sing; then he preached for about an hour, while +we sat and listened; then a hymn again; then prayer and the +valediction. + +Mary Flaw went through this ritual, but on a smaller scale. We +all knelt down together, but when we rose from our knees, Miss +Flaw was already standing up, and was pretending, without a +sound, to sing a hymn; in the midst of our hymn, she sat down, +opened her Bible, found a text, and then leaned back, her eyes +fixed in space, listening to an imaginary sermon which our own +real one soon caught up, and coincided with for about three- +quarters of an hour. Then, while our sermon went peacefully on, +Miss Flaw would rise, and sing in silence (if I am permitted to +use such an expression) her own visionary hymn; then she would +kneel down and pray, then rise, collect her belongings, and +sweep, in fairy majesty, out of the chapel, my Father still +rounding his periods from the pulpit. Nobody ever thought of +preventing these movements, or of checking the poor creature in +her innocent flightiness, until the evening of the great event. + +It was all my own fault. Mary Flaw had finished her imaginary +service earlier than usual. She had stood up alone with her hymn- +book before her; she had flung herself on her knees alone, in the +attitude of devotion; she had risen; she had seated herself for a +moment to put on her gloves, and to collect her Bible, her hymn- +book and her pocket-handkerchief in her reticule. She was ready +to start, and she looked around her with a pleasant air; my +Father, all undisturbed, booming away meanwhile over our heads. I +know not why the manoeuvres of Miss Flaw especially attracted me +that evening, but I leaned out across Miss Marks and I caught +Miss Flaw's eye. She nodded, I nodded; and the amazing deed was +done, I hardly know how. Miss Flaw, with incredible swiftness, +flew along the line, plucked me by the coat-collar from between +my paralysed protectresses, darted with me down the chapel and +out into the dark, before anyone had time to say 'Jack Robinson'. + +My Father gazed from the pulpit and the stream of exhortation +withered on his lips. No one in the body of the audience stirred; +no one but himself had clearly seen what had happened. Vague rows +of 'saints' with gaping countenances stared up at him, while he +shouted, 'Will nobody stop them? as we whisked out through the +doorway. Forth into the moist night we went, and up the lampless +village, where, a few minutes later, the swiftest of the +congregation, with my Father at their head, found us sitting on +the doorstep of the butcher's shop. My captor was now quite +quiet, and made no objection to my quitting her,--'without a +single kiss or a goodbye', as the poet says. + +Although I had scarcely felt frightened at the time, doubtless my +nerves were shaken by this escapade, and it may have had +something to do with the recurrence of the distressing visions +from which I had suffered as a very little child. These came +back, with a force and expansion due to my increased maturity. I +had hardly laid my head down on the pillow, than, as it seemed to +me, I was taking part in a mad gallop through space. Some force, +which had tight hold of me, so that I felt myself an atom in its +grasp, was hurrying me on over an endless slender bridge, under +which on either side a loud torrent rushed at a vertiginous depth +below. At first our helpless flight,--for I was bound hand and +foot like Mazeppa,--proceeded in a straight line, but presently +it began to curve, and we raced and roared along, in what +gradually became a monstrous vortex, reverberant with noises, +loud with light, while, as we proceeded, enormous concentric +circles engulfed us, and wheeled above and about us. It seemed as +if we,--I, that is, and the undefined force which carried me,-- +were pushing feverishly on towards a goal which our whole +concentrated energies were bent on reaching, but which a frenzied +despair in my heart told me we never could reach, yet the +attainment of which alone could save us from destruction. Far +away, in the pulsation of the great luminous whorls, I could just +see that goal, a ruby-coloured point waxing and waning, and it +bore, or to be exact it consisted of the letters of the word +CARMINE. + +This agitating vision recurred night after night, and filled me +with inexpressible distress. The details of it altered very +little, and I knew what I had to expect when I crept into bed. I +knew that for a few minutes I should be battling with the chill +of the linen sheets, and trying to keep awake, but that then, +without a pause, I should slip into that terrible realm of storm +and stress in which I was bound hand and foot, and sent galloping +through infinity. Often have I wakened, with unutterable joy, to +find my Father and Miss Marks, whom my screams had disturbed, +standing one on each side of my bed. They could release me from +my nightmare, which seldom assailed me twice a night--but how to +preserve me from its original attack passed their understanding. +My Father, in his tenderness, thought to exorcize the demon by +prayer. He would appear in the bedroom, just as I was first +slipping into bed, and he would kneel at my side. The light from +a candle on the mantel-shelf streamed down upon his dark head of +hair while his face was buried in the coverlid, from which a loud +voice came up, a little muffled, begging that I might be +preserved against all the evil spirits that walk in darkness and +that the deep might not swallow me up. + +This little ceremony gave a distraction to my thoughts, and may +have been useful in that way. But it led to an unfortunate +circumstance. My Father began to enjoy these orisons at my +bedside, and to prolong them. Perhaps they lasted a little too +long, but I contrived to keep awake through them, sometimes by a +great effort. On one unhappy night, however, I gave even worse +offense than slumber would have given. My Father was praying +aloud, in the attitude I have described, and I was half sitting, +half lying in bed, with the clothes sloping from my chin. +Suddenly a rather large insect--dark and flat, with more legs +than a self-respecting insect ought to need--appeared at the +bottom of the counterpane, and slowly advanced. I think it was +nothing worse than a beetle. It walked successfully past my +Father's sleek black ball of a head, and climbed straight up at +me, nearer, nearer, until it seemed all a twinkle of horns and +joints. I bore it in silent fascination until it almost tickled +my chin, and then I screamed 'Papa! Papa!' My Father rose in +great dudgeon, removed the insect (what were insects to him!) and +then gave me a tremendous lecture. + +The sense of desperation which this incident produced I shall not +easily forget. Life seemed really to be very harassing when to +visions within and beetles without there was joined the +consciousness of having grievously offended God by an act of +disrespect. It is difficult for me to justify to myself the +violent jobation which my Father gave me in consequence of my +scream, except by attributing to him something of the human +weakness of vanity. I cannot help thinking that he liked to hear +himself speak to God in the presence of an admiring listener. He +prayed with fervour and animation, in pure Johnsonian English, +and I hope I am not undutiful if I add my impression that he was +not displeased with the sound of his own devotions. My cry for +help had needlessly, as he thought, broken in upon this holy and +seemly performance. 'You, the child of a naturalist,' he remarked +in awesome tones, '_you_ to pretend to feel terror at the advance +of an insect?' It could but be a pretext, he declared, for +avoiding the testimony of faith in prayer. 'If your heart were +fixed, if it panted after the Lord, it would take more than the +movements of a beetle to make you disturb oral supplication at +His footstool. Beware! for God is a jealous God and He consumes +them in wrath who make a noise like a dog.' + +My Father took at all times a singular pleasure in repeating that +'our God is a jealous God'. He liked the word, which I suppose he +used in an antiquated sense. He was accustomed to tell the +'saints' at the Room,--in a very genial manner, and smiling at +them as he said it,--'I am jealous over you, my beloved brothers +and sisters, with a godly jealousy.' I know that this was +interpreted by some of the saints,--for I heard Mary Grace say so +to Miss Marks--as meaning that my Father was resentful because +some of them attended the service at the Wesleyan chapel on +Thursday evenings. But my Father was utterly incapable of such +littleness as this, and when he talked of 'jealousy' he meant a +lofty solicitude, a careful watchfulness. He meant that their +spiritual honour was a matter of anxiety to him. No doubt when he +used to tell me to remember that our God is a jealous God, he +meant that my sins and shortcomings were not matters of +indifference to the Divine Being. But I think, looking back, that +it was very extraordinary for a man, so instructed and so +intelligent as he, to dwell so much on the possible anger of the +Lord, rather than on his pity and love. The theory of extreme +Puritanism can surely offer no quainter example of its fallacy +than this idea that the omnipotent Jehovah--could be seriously +offended, and could stoop to revenge, because a little, nervous +child of nine had disturbed a prayer by being frightened at a +beetle. + +The fact that the word 'Carmine' appeared as the goal of my +visionary pursuits is not so inexplicable as it may seem. My +Father was at this time producing numerous water-colour drawings +of minute and even of microscopic forms of life. These he +executed in the manner of miniature, with an amazing fidelity of +form and with a brilliancy of colour which remains unfaded after +fifty years. By far the most costly of his pigments was the +intense crimson which is manufactured out of the very spirit and, +essence of cochineal. I had lately become a fervent imitator of +his works of art, and I was allowed to use all of his colours, +except one; I was strictly forbidden to let a hair of my paint- +brush touch the little broken mass of carmine which was all that +he possessed. We believed, but I do not know whether this could +be the fact, that carmine of this superlative quality was sold at +a guinea a cake. 'Carmine', therefore, became my shibboleth of +self-indulgence; it was a symbol of all that taste and art and +wealth could combine to produce. I imagined, for instance, that +at Belshazzar's feast, the loftiest epergne of gold, surrounded +by flowers and jewels, carried the monarch's proudest possession, +a cake of carmine. I knew of no object in the world of luxury +more desirable than this, and its obsession in my waking hours is +quite enough, I think, to account for 'carmine' having been the +torment of my dreams. + +The little incident of the beetle displays my Father's mood at +this period in its worst light. His severity was not very +creditable, perhaps, to his good sense, but without a word of +explanation it may seem even more unreasonable than it was. My +Father might have been less stern to my lapses from high conduct, +and my own mind at the same time less armoured against his +arrows, if our relations had been those which exist in an +ordinary religious family. He would have been more indulgent, and +my own affections might nevertheless have been more easily +alienated, if I had been treated by him as a commonplace child, +standing as yet outside the pale of conscious Christianity. But +he had formed the idea, and cultivated it assiduously, that I was +an _ame d'elite_, a being to whom the mysteries of salvation had +been divinely revealed and by whom they had been accepted. I was, +to his partial fancy, one in whom the Holy Ghost had already +performed a real and permanent work. Hence, I was inside the +pale; I had attained that inner position which divided, as we +used to say, the Sheep from the Goats. Another little boy might +be very well-behaved, but if he had not consciously 'laid hold on +Christ', his good deeds, so far, were absolutely useless. Whereas +I might be a very naughty boy, and require much chastisement from +God and man, but nothing--so my Father thought--could invalidate +my election, and sooner or later, perhaps even after many +stripes, I must inevitably be brought back to a state of grace. + +The paradox between this unquestionable sanctification by faith +and my equally unquestionable naughtiness, occupied my Father +greatly at this time. He made it a frequent subject of +intercession at family prayers, not caring to hide from the +servants misdemeanours of mine, which he spread out with a +melancholy unction before the Lord. He cultivated the belief that +all my little ailments, all my aches and pains, were sent to +correct my faults. He carried this persuasion very far, even +putting this exhortation before, instead of after, an instant +relief of my sufferings. If I burned my finger with a sulphur +match, or pinched the end of my nose in the door (to mention but +two sorrows that recur to my memory), my Father would solemnly +ejaculate: 'Oh may these afflictions be much sanctified to him!' +before offering any remedy for my pain. So that I almost longed, +under the pressure of these pangs, to be a godless child, who had +never known the privileges of saving grace, since I argued that +such a child would be subjected to none of the sufferings which +seemed to assail my path. + +What the ideas or conduct of 'another child' might be I had, +however, at this time no idea, for, strange as it may sound, I +had not, until my tenth year was far advanced, made acquaintance +with any such creature. The 'saints' had children, but I was not +called upon to cultivate their company, and I had not the +slightest wish to do so. But early in 1859 I was allowed, at +last, to associate with a child of my own age. I do not recall +that this permission gave me any rapture; I accepted it +philosophically but without that delighted eagerness which I +might have been expected to show. My earliest companion, then, +was a little boy of almost exactly my own age. His name was +Benny, which no doubt was short for Benjamin. His surname was +Jeffries; his mother--I think he had no father--was a solemn and +shadowy lady of means who lived in a villa, which was older and +much larger than ours, on the opposite side of the road. Going to +'play with Benny' involved a small public excursion, and this I +was now allowed to make by myself--an immense source of self- +respect. + +Everything in my little memories seems to run askew; obviously I +ought to have been extremely stirred and broadened by this +earliest association with a boy of my own age! Yet I cannot truly +say that it was so. Benny's mother possessed what seemed to me a +vast domain, with lawns winding among broad shrubberies, and a +kitchen-garden, with aged fruit-trees in it. The ripeness of this +place, mossed and leafy, was gratifying to my senses, on which +the rawness of our own bald garden jarred. There was an old brick +wall between the two divisions, upon which it was possible for us +to climb up, and from this we gained Pisgah-views which were a +prodigious pleasure. But I had not the faintest idea how to +'play'; I had never learned, had never heard of any 'games'. I +think Benny must have lacked initiative almost as much as I did. +We walked about, and shook the bushes, and climbed along the +wall; I think that was almost all we ever did do. And, sadly +enough, I cannot recover a phrase from Benny's lips, nor an +action, nor a gesture, although I remember quite clearly how some +grown-up people of that time looked, and the very words they +said. + +For example, I recollect Miss Wilkes very distinctly, since I +studied her with great deliberation, and with a suspicious +watchfulness that was above my years. In Miss Wilkes a type that +had hitherto been absolutely unfamiliar to us obtruded upon our +experience. In our Eveless Eden, Woman, if not exactly _hirsuta et +horrida_, had always been 'of a certain age'. But Miss Wilkes was +a comparatively young thing, and she advanced not by any means +unconscious of her charms. All was feminine, all was impulsive, +about Miss Wilkes; every gesture seemed eloquent with girlish +innocence and the playful dawn of life. In actual years I fancy +she was not so extremely youthful, since she was the responsible +and trusted headmistress of a large boarding-school for girls, +but in her heart the joy of life ran high. Miss Wilkes had a +small, round face, with melting eyes, and when she lifted her +head, her ringlets seemed to vibrate and shiver like the bells of +a pagoda. She had a charming way of clasping her hands, and +holding them against her bodice, while she said, 'Oh, but--really +now?' in a manner inexpressibly engaging. She was very earnest, +and she had a pleading way of calling out: 'O, but aren't you +teasing me?' which would have brought a tiger fawning to her +crinoline. + +After we had spent a full year without any social distractions, +it seems that our circle of acquaintances had now begun to +extend, in spite of my Father's unwillingness to visit his +neighbours. He was a fortress that required to be stormed, but +there was considerable local curiosity about him, so that by-and- +by escalading parties were formed, some of which were partly +successful. In the first place, Charles Kingsley had never +hesitated to come, from the beginning, ever since our arrival. He +had reason to visit our neighbouring town rather frequently, and +on such occasions he always marched up and attacked us. It was +extraordinary how persistent he was, for my Father must have been +a very trying friend. I vividly recollect that a sort of cross- +examination of would-be communicants was going on in our half- +furnished drawing-room one weekday morning, when Mr. Kingsley was +announced; my Father, in stentorian tones, replied: 'Tell Mr. +Kingsley that I am engaged in examining Scripture with certain of +the Lord's children.' And I, a little later, kneeling at the +window, while the candidates were being dismissed with prayer, +watched the author of _Hypatia_ nervously careening about the +garden, very restless and impatient, yet preferring this ignominy +to the chance of losing my Father's company altogether. Kingsley, +a daring spirit, used sometimes to drag us out trawling with him +in Torbay, and although his hawk's beak and rattling voice +frightened me a little, his was always a jolly presence that +brought some refreshment to our seriousness. + +But the other visitors who came in Kingsley's wake and without +his excuse--how they disturbed us! We used to be seated, my +Father at his microscope, I with my map or book, in the down- +stairs room we called the study. There would be a hush around us +in which you could hear a sea-anemone sigh. Then, abruptly, would +come a ring at the front door; my Father would bend at me a +corrugated brow, and murmur, under his breath, 'What's that?' and +then, at the sound of footsteps, would bolt into the verandah, +and around the garden into the potting-shed. If it was no visitor +more serious than the postman or the tax-gatherer, I used to go +forth and coax the timid wanderer home. If it was a caller, above +all a female caller, it was my privilege to prevaricate, +remarking innocently that 'Papa is out!' + +Into a paradise so carefully guarded, I know not how that serpent +Miss Wilkes could penetrate, but there she was. She 'broke bread' +with the Brethren at the adjacent town, from which she carried on +strategical movements, which were, up to a certain point, highly +successful. She professed herself deeply interested in +microscopy, and desired that some of her young ladies should +study it also. She came attended by an unimportant man, and by +pupils to whom I had sometimes, very unwillingly, to show our +'natural objects'. They would invade us, and all our quietness +with chattering noise; I could bear none of them, and I was +singularly drawn to Miss Marks by finding that she disliked them +too. + +By whatever arts she worked, Miss Wilkes certainly achieved a +certain ascendancy. When the knocks came at the front door, I was +now instructed to see whether the visitor were not she, before my +Father bolted to the potting-shed. She was an untiring listener, +and my Father had a genius for instruction. Miss Wilkes was never +weary of expressing what a revelation of the wonderful works of +God in creation her acquaintance with us had been. She would gaze +through the microscope at awful forms, and would persevere until +the silver rim which marked the confines of the drop of water +under inspection would ripple inwards with a flash of light and +vanish, because the drop itself had evaporated. 'Well, I can only +say, how marvellous are Thy doings!' was a frequent ejaculation +of Miss Wilkes, and one that was very well received. She learned +the Latin names of many of the species, and it seems quite +pathetic to me, looking back, to realize how much trouble the +poor woman took. She 'hung', as the expression is, upon my +Father's every word, and one instance of this led to a certain +revelation. + +My Father, who had an extraordinary way of saying anything what +Came into his mind, stated one day,--the fashions, I must suppose, +being under discussion,--that he thought white the only becoming +colour for a lady's stockings. The stockings of Miss Wilkes had +up to that hour been of a deep violet, but she wore white ones in +future whenever she came to our house. This delicacy would have +been beyond my unaided infant observation, but I heard Miss Marks +mention the matter, in terms which they supposed to be secret, to +her confidante, and I verified it at the ankles of the lady. Miss +Marks continued by saying, in confidence, and 'quite as between +you and me, dear Mary Grace', that Miss Wilkes was a 'minx'. I +had the greatest curiosity about words, and as this was a new +one, I looked it up in our large 'English Dictionary'. But there +the definition of the term was this:--'Minx: the female of +minnock; a pert wanton.' I was as much in the dark as ever. + +Whether she was the female of a minnock (whatever that may be) or +whether she was only a very well-meaning schoolmistress desirous +of enlivening a monotonous existence, Miss Wilkes certainly took +us out of ourselves a good deal. Did my Father know what danger +he ran? It was the opinion of Miss Marks and of Mary Grace that +he did not, and in the back-kitchen, a room which served those +ladies as a private oratory in the summer-time, much prayer was +offered up that his eyes might be opened ere it was too late. But +I am inclined to think that they were open all the time, that, at +all events, they were what the French call 'entr'ouvert', that +enough light for practical purposes came sifted in through his +eyelashes. At a later time, being reminded of Miss Wilkes, he +said with a certain complaisance, 'Ah, yes! she proffered much +entertainment during my widowed years!' He used to go down to her +boarding-school, the garden of which had been the scene of a +murder, and was romantically situated on the edge of a quarried +cliff; he always took me with him, and kept me at his side all +through these visits, notwithstanding Miss Wilkes' solicitude that +the fatigue and excitement would be too much for the dear child's +strength, unless I rested a little on the parlour sofa. + +About this time, the question of my education came up for +discussion in the household, as indeed it well might. Miss Marks +had long proved practically inadequate in this respect, her +slender acquirements evaporating, I suppose, like the drops of +water under the microscope, while the field of her general duties +became wider. The subjects in which I took pleasure, and upon +which I possessed books, I sedulously taught myself; the other +subjects, which formed the vast majority, I did not learn at all. +Like Aurora Leigh, + + I brushed with extreme flounce + The circle of the universe, + +especially zoology, botany and astronomy, but with the explicit +exception of geology, which my Father regarded as tending +directly to the encouragement of infidelity. I copied a great +quantity of maps, and read all the books of travels that I could +find. But I acquired no mathematics, no languages, no history, so +that I was in danger of gross illiteracy in these important +departments. + +My Father grudged the time, but he felt it a duty to do something +to fill up these deficiencies, and we now started Latin, in a +little eighteenth-century reading-book, out of which my +Grandfather had been taught. It consisted of strings of words, +and of grim arrangements of conjunction and declension, presented +in a manner appallingly unattractive. I used to be set down in +the study, under my Father's eye, to learn a solid page of this +compilation, while he wrote or painted. The window would be open +in summer, and my seat was close to it. Outside, a bee was +shaking the clematis-blossom, or a red-admiral butterfly was +opening and shutting his wings on the hot concrete of the +verandah, or a blackbird was racing across the lawn. It was +almost more than human nature could bear to have to sit holding +up to my face the dreary little Latin book, with its sheepskin +cover that smelt of mildewed paste. + +But out of this strength there came an unexpected sudden +sweetness. The exercise of hearing me repeat my strings of nouns +and verbs had revived in my Father his memories of the classics. +In the old solitary years, a long time ago, by the shores of +Canadian rapids, on the edge of West Indian swamps, his Virgil had +been an inestimable solace to him. To extremely devout persons, +there is something objectionable in most of the great writers of +antiquity. Horace, Lucretius, Terence, Catullus, Juvenal,--in +each there is one quality or another definitely repulsive to a +reader who is determined to know nothing but Christ and him +crucified. From time immemorial, however, it has been recognized +in the Christian church that this objection does not apply to +Virgil. He is the most evangelical of the classics; he is the one +who can be enjoyed with least to explain away and least to +excuse. One evening my Father took down his Virgil from an upper +shelf, and his thoughts wandered away from surrounding things; he +travelled in the past again. The book was a Delphin edition of +1798, which had followed him in all his wanderings; there was a +great scratch on the sheep-skin cover that a thorn had made in a +forest of Alabama. And then, in the twilight, as he shut the +volume at last, oblivious of my presence, he began to murmur and +to chant the adorable verses by memory. + + Tityre, tu patulae recubans sub tegmine fagi, + +he warbled; and I stopped my play, and listened as if to a +nightingale, until he reached + + tu, Tityre, lentus in umbra + Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvan. + +'Oh Papa, what is that?' I could not prevent myself from asking. +He translated the verses, he explained their meaning, but his +exposition gave me little interest. What to me was beautiful +Amaryllis? She and her love-sick Tityrus awakened no image +whatever in my mind. + +But a miracle had been revealed to me, the incalculable, the +amazing beauty which could exist in the sound of verses. My +prosodical instinct was awakened quite suddenly that dim evening, +as my Father and I sat alone in the breakfast-room after tea, +serenely accepting the hour, for once, with no idea of +exhortation or profit. Verse, 'a breeze mid blossoms playing', as +Coleridge says, descended from the roses as a moth might have +done, and the magic of it took hold of my heart forever. I +persuaded my Father, who was a little astonished at my +insistence, to repeat the lines over and over again. At last my +brain caught them, and as I walked in Benny's garden, or as I +hung over the tidal pools at the edge of the sea, all my inner +being used to ring out with the sound of + + Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvan. + +CHAPTER VIII + +IN the previous chapter I have dwelt on some of the lighter +conditions of our life at this time; I must now turn to it in a +less frivolous aspect. As my tenth year advanced, the development +of my character gave my Father, I will not say anxiety, but +matter for serious reflection. My intelligence was now perceived +to be taking a sudden start; visitors drew my Father's attention +to the fact that I was 'coming out so much'. I grew rapidly in +stature, having been a little shrimp of a thing up to that time, +and I no longer appeared much younger than my years. Looking +back, I do not think that there was any sudden mental +development, but that the change was mainly a social one. I had +been reserved, timid and taciturn; I had disliked the company of +strangers. But with my tenth year, I certainly unfolded, so far +as to become sociable and talkative, and perhaps I struck those +around me as grown 'clever', because I said the things which I +had previously only thought. There was a change, no doubt, yet I +believe that it was mainly physical, rather than mental. My +excessive fragility--or apparent fragility, for I must have been +always wiry--decreased; I slept better, and therefore, grew less +nervous; I ate better, and therefore put on flesh. If I preserved +a delicate look--people still used to say in my presence, 'That +dear child is not long for this world!'--it was in consequence of +a sort of habit into which my body had grown; it was a +transparency which did not speak of what was in store for me, but +of what I had already passed through. + +The increased activity of my intellectual system now showed +itself in what I behove to be a very healthy form, direct +imitation. The rage for what is called 'originality' is pushed to +such a length in these days that even children are not considered +promising, unless they attempt things preposterous and +unparalleled. From his earliest hour, the ambitious person is +told that to make a road where none has walked before, to do +easily what it is impossible for others to do at all, to create +new forms of thought and expression, are the only recipes for +genius; and in trying to escape on all sides from every +resemblance to his predecessors, he adopts at once an air of +eccentricity and pretentiousness. This continues to be the +accepted view of originality; but, in spite of this conventional +opinion, I hold that the healthy sign of an activity of mind in +early youth is not to be striving after unheard-of miracles, but +to imitate closely and carefully what is being said and done in +the vicinity. The child of a great sculptor will hang about the +studio, and will try to hammer a head out of a waste piece of +marble with a nail; it does not follow that he too will be a +sculptor. The child of a politician will sit in committee with a +row of empty chairs, and will harangue an imaginary senate from +behind the curtains. I, the son of a man who looked through a +microscope and painted what he saw there, would fair observe for +myself, and paint my observations. It did not follow, alas! that +I was built to be a miniature-painter or a savant, but the +activity of a childish intelligence was shown by my desire to +copy the results of such energy as I saw nearest at hand. + +In the secular direction, this now took the form of my preparing +little monographs on seaside creatures, which were arranged, +tabulated and divided as exactly as possible on the pattern of +those which my Father was composing for his _Actinologia +Britannica_. I wrote these out upon sheets of paper of the same +size as his printed page, and I adorned them with water-colour +plates, meant to emulate his precise and exquisite illustrations. +One or two of these ludicrous pastiches are still preserved, and +in glancing at them now I wonder, not at any skill that they +possess, but at the perseverance and the patience, the evidence +of close and persistent labour. I was not set to these tasks by +my Father, who, in fact, did not much approve of them. He was +touched, too, with the 'originality' heresy, and exhorted me not +to copy him, but to go out into the garden or the shore and +describe something new, in a new way. That was quite impossible; +I possessed no initiative. But I can now well understand why my +Father, very indulgently and good-temperedly, deprecated these +exercises of mine. They took up, and, as he might well think, +wasted, an enormous quantity of time; and they were, moreover, +parodies, rather than imitations, of his writings, for I invented +new species, with sapphire spots and crimson tentacles and amber +bands, which were close enough to his real species to be +disconcerting. He came from conscientiously shepherding the +flocks of ocean, and I do not wonder that my ring-straked, +speckled and spotted varieties put him out of countenance. If I +had not been so innocent and solemn, he might have fancied I was +mocking him. + +These extraordinary excursions into science, falsely so called, +occupied a large part of my time. There was a little spare room +at the back of our house, dedicated to lumber and to empty +portmanteaux. There was a table in it already, and I added a +stool; this cheerless apartment now became my study. I spent so +many hours here, in solitude and without making a sound, that my +Father's curiosity, if not his suspicion, was occasionally +aroused, and he would make a sudden raid on me. I was always +discovered, doubled up over the table, with my pen and ink, or +else my box of colours and tumbler of turbid water by my hand, +working away like a Chinese student shut up in his matriculating +box. + +It might have been done for a wager, if anything so simple had +ever been dreamed of in our pious household. The apparatus was +slow and laboured. In order to keep my uncouth handwriting in +bounds, I was obliged to rule not lines only, but borders to my +pages. The subject did not lend itself to any flow of language, +and I was obliged incessantly to borrow sentences, word for word, +from my Father's published books. Discouraged by everyone around +me, daunted by the laborious effort needful to carry out the +scheme, it seems odd to me now that I persisted in so strange and +wearisome an employment, but it became an absorbing passion, and +was indulged in to the neglect of other lessons and other +pleasures. + +My Father, as the spring advanced, used to come up to the +Boxroom, as my retreat was called, and hunt me out into the +sunshine. But I soon crept back to my mania. It gave him much +trouble, and Miss Marks, who thought it sheer idleness, was +vociferous in objection. She would gladly have torn up all my +writings and paintings, and have set me to a useful task. My +Father, with his strong natural individualism, could not take +this view. He was interested in this strange freak of mine, and +he could not wholly condemn it. But he must have thought is a +little crazy, and it is evident to me now that it led to the +revolution in domestic policy by which he began to encourage any +acquaintance with other young people as much as he had previously +discouraged it. He saw that I could not be allowed to spend my +whole time in a little stuffy room making solemn and ridiculous +imitations of Papers read before the Linnaean Society. He was +grieved, moreover, at the badness of my pictures, for I had no +native skill; and he tried to teach me his own system of +miniature-painting as applied to natural history. I was forced, +in deep depression of spirits, to turn from my grotesque +monographs, and paint under my Father's eye, and, from a finished +drawing of his, a gorgeous tropic bird in flight. Aided by my +habit of imitation, I did at length produce some thing which +might have shown promise, if it had not been wrung from me, touch +by touch, pigment by pigment, under the orders of a task-master. + +All this had its absurd side, but I seem to perceive that it had +also its value. It is, surely, a mistake to look too near at hand +for the benefits of education. What is actually taught in early +childhood is often that part of training which makes least +impression on the character, and is of the least permanent +importance. My labours failed to make me a zoologist, and the +multitude of my designs and my descriptions have left me +helplessly ignorant of the anatomy of a sea-anemone. Yet I cannot +look upon the mental discipline as useless. It taught me to +concentrate my attention, to define the nature of distinctions, +to see accurately, and to name what I saw. Moreover, it gave me +the habit of going on with any piece of work I had in hand, not +flagging because the interest or picturesqueness of the theme had +declined, but pushing forth towards a definite goal, well +foreseen and limited beforehand. For almost any intellectual +employment in later life, it seems to me that this discipline was +valuable. I am, however, not the less conscious how ludicrous was +the mode in which, in my tenth year, I obtained it. + +My spiritual condition occupied my Father's thoughts very +insistently at this time. Closing, as he did, most of the doors +of worldly pleasure and energy upon his conscience, he had +continued to pursue his scientific investigations without any +sense of sin. Most fortunate it was, that the collecting of +marine animals in the tidal pools, and the description of them in +pages which were addressed to the wide scientific public, at no +time occurred to him as in any way inconsistent with his holy +calling. His conscience was so delicate, and often so morbid in +its delicacy, that if that had occurred to him, he would +certainly have abandoned his investigations, and have been left +without an employment. But happily he justified his investigation +by regarding it as a glorification of God's created works. In the +introduction of his _Actinologia Britannica_, written at the time +which I have now reached in this narrative, he sent forth his +labours with a phrase which I should think unparalleled in +connection with a learned and technical biological treatise. He +stated, concerning that book, that he published it 'as one more +tribute humbly offered to the glory of the Triune God, who is +wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working'. Scientific +investigation sincerely carried out in that spirit became a kind +of weekday interpretation of the current creed of Sundays. + +The development of my faculties, of which I have spoken, extended +to the religious sphere no less than to the secular, Here, also, +as I look back, I see that I was extremely imitative. I expanded +in the warmth of my Father's fervour, and, on the whole, in a +manner that was satisfactory to him. He observed the richer hold +that I was now taking on life; he saw my faculties branching in +many directions, and he became very anxious to secure my +maintenance in grace. In earlier years, certain sides of my +character had offered a sort of passive resistance to his ideas. +I had let what I did not care to welcome pass over my mind in the +curious density that children adopt in order to avoid receiving +impressions--blankly, dumbly, achieving by stupidity what they +cannot achieve by argument. I think that I had frequently done +this; that he had been brought up against a dead wall; although +on other sides of my nature I had been responsive and docile. But +now, in my tenth year, the imitative faculty got the upper hand, +and nothing seemed so attractive as to be what I was expected to +be. If there was a doubt now, it lay in the other direction; it +seemed hardly normal that so young a child should appear so +receptive and so apt. + +My Father believed himself justified, at this juncture, in making +a tremendous effort. He wished to secure me finally, +exhaustively, before the age of puberty could dawn, before my +soul was fettered with the love of carnal things. He thought that +if I could now be identified with the 'saints', and could stand +on exactly their footing, a habit of conformity would be secured. +I should meet the paganizing tendencies of advancing years with +security if I could be forearmed with all the weapons of a +sanctified life. He wished me, in short, to be received into the +community of the Brethren on the terms of an adult. There were +difficulties in the way of carrying out this scheme, and they +were urged upon him, more or less courageously, by the elders of +the church. But he overbore them. What the difficulties were, and +what were the arguments which he used to sweep those difficulties +away, I must now explain, for in this lay the centre of our +future relations as father and son. + +In dealing with the peasants around him, among whom he was +engaged in an active propaganda, my Father always insisted on the +necessity of conversion. There must be a new birth and being, a +fresh creation in God. This crisis he was accustomed to regard as +manifesting itself in a sudden and definite upheaval. There might +have been prolonged practical piety, deep and true contrition for +sin, but these, although the natural and suitable prologue to +conversion, were not conversion itself. People hung on at the +confines of regeneration, often for a very long time; my Father +dealt earnestly with them, the elders ministered to them, with +explanation, exhortation and prayer. Such persons were in a +gracious state, but they were not in a state of grace. If they +should suddenly die, they would pass away in an unconverted +condition, and all that could be said in their favour was a vague +expression of hope that they would benefit from God's +uncovenanted mercies. + +But on some day, at some hour and minute, if life was spared to +them, the way of salvation would be revealed to these persons in +such an aspect that they would be enabled instantaneously to +accept it. They would take it consciously, as one takes a gift +from the hand that offers it. This act of taking was the process +of conversion, and the person who so accepted was a child of God +now, although a single minute ago he had been a child of wrath. +The very root of human nature had to be changed, and, in the +majority of cases, this change was sudden, patent, and palpable. + +I have just said, 'in the majority of cases', because my Father +admitted the possibility of exceptions. The formula was, 'If any +man hath not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.' As a rule, +no one could possess the Spirit of Christ, without a conscious +and full abandonment of the soul, and this, however carefully led +up to, and prepared for with tears and renunciations, was not, +could not, be made, except at a set moment of time. Faith, in an +esoteric and almost symbolic sense, was necessary, and could not +be a result of argument, but was a state of heart. In these +opinions my Father departed in no ways from the strict +evangelical doctrine of the Protestant churches, but he held it +in a mode and with a severity peculiar to himself. Now, it is +plain that this state of heart, this voluntary deed of +acceptance, presupposed a full and rational consciousness of the +relations of things. It might be clearly achieved by a person of +humble cultivation, but only by one who was fully capable of +independent thought, in other words by a more or less adult +person, The man or woman claiming the privileges of conversion +must be able to understand and to grasp what his religious +education was aiming at. + +It is extraordinary what trouble it often gave my Father to know +whether he was justified in admitting to the communion people of +very limited powers of expression. A harmless, humble labouring +man would come with a request--to be allowed to 'break bread'. It +was only by the use of strong leading questions that he could be +induced to mention Christ as the ground of his trust at all. I +recollect an elderly agricultural labourer being closeted for a +long time with my Father, who came out at last, in a sort of +dazed condition, and replied to our inquiries,--with a shrug of +his shoulders as he said it,--'I was obliged to put the Name and +Blood and Work of Jesus into his very mouth. It is true that he +assented cordially at last, but I confess I was grievously +daunted by the poor intelligence!' + +But there was, or there might be, another class of persona, whom +early training, separation from the world, and the care of godly +parents had so early familiarized with the acceptable calling of +Christ that their conversion had occurred, unperceived and +therefore unrecorded, at an extraordinarily earl age. It would be +in vain to look for a repetition of the phenomenon in those +cases. The heavenly fire must not be expected to descend a second +time; the lips are touched with the burning coal once, and once +only. If, accordingly, these precociously selected spirits are to +be excluded because no new birth is observed in them at a mature +age, they must continue outside in the cold, since the phenomenon +cannot be repeated. When, therefore, there is not possible any +further doubt of their being in possession of salvation, longer +delay is useless, and worse than useless. The fact of conversion, +though not recorded nor even recollected, must be accepted on the +evidence of confession of faith, and as soon as the intelligence +is evidently developed, the person not merely may, but should be +accepted into communion, although still immature in body, +although in years still even a child. This my Father believed to +be my case, and in this rare class did he fondly persuade himself +to station me. + +As I have said, the congregation,--although docile and timid, and +little able, as units, to hold their own against their minister-- +behind his back were faintly hostile to this plan. None of their +own children had ever been so much as suggested for membership, +and each of themselves, in ripe years, had been subjected to +severe cross-examination. I think it was rather a bitter pill for +some of them to swallow that a pert little boy of ten should be +admitted, as a grown-up person, to all the hard-won privileges of +their order. Mary Grace Burmington came back from her visits to +the cottagers, reporting disaffection here and there, grumblings +in the rank and file. But quite as many, especially of the women, +enthusiastically supported my Father's wish, gloried aloud in the +manifestations of my early piety, and professed to see in it +something of miraculous promise. The expression 'another Infant +Samuel' was widely used. I became quite a subject of contention. +A war of the sexes threatened to break out over me; I was a +disturbing element at cottage breakfasts. I was mentioned at +public prayer-meetings, not indeed by name but, in the +extraordinary allusive way customary in our devotions, as 'one +amongst us of tender years' or as 'a sapling in the Lord's +vineyard'. + +To all this my Father put a stop in his own high-handed fashion. +After the morning meeting, one Sunday in the autumn of 1859, he +desired the attention of the Saints to a personal matter which +was, perhaps, not unfamiliar to them by rumour. That was, he +explained, the question of the admission of his, beloved little +son to the communion of saints in the breaking of bread. He +allowed--and I sat there in evidence, palely smiling at the +audience, my feet scarcely touching the ground--that I was not +what is styled adult; I was not, he frankly admitted, a grown-up +person. But I was adult in a knowledge of the Lord; I possessed +an insight into the plan of salvation which many a hoary head +might envy for its fullness, its clearness, its conformity with +Scripture doctrine. This was a palpable hit at more than one +stumbler and fumbler after the truth, and several hoary heads +were bowed. + +My Father then went on to explain very fully the position which I +have already attempted to define. He admitted the absence in my +case of a sudden, apparent act of conversion resulting upon +conviction of sin. But he stated the grounds of his belief that I +had, in still earlier infancy, been converted, and he declared +that if so, I ought no longer to be excluded from the privileges +of communion. He said, moreover, that he was willing on this +occasion to waive his own privilege as a minister, and that he +would rather call on Brother Fawkes and Brother Bere, the leading +elders, to examine the candidate in his stead. This was a master- +stroke, for Brothers Fawkes and Bere had been suspected of +leading the disaffection, and this threw all the burden of +responsibility on them. The meeting broke up in great amiability, +and my Father and I went home together in the very highest of +spirits. I, indeed, in my pride, crossed the verge of +indiscretion by saying: 'When I have been admitted to fellowship, +Papa, shall I be allowed to call you "beloved Brother"?' My +Father was too well pleased with the morning's work to be +critical. He laughed, and answered: 'That, my Love, though +strictly correct, would hardly, I fear, be thought judicious!' + +It was suggested that my tenth birthday, which followed this +public announcement by a few days, would be a capital occasion +for me to go through the ordeal. Accordingly, after dark (for our +new lamp was lighted for the first time in honour of the event), +I withdrew alone into our drawing-room, which had just, at +length, been furnished, and which looked, I thought, very smart. +Hither came to me, first Brother Fawkes, by himself; then Brother +Bere, by himself; and then both together, so that you may say, if +you are pedanticaly inclined, that I underwent three successive +interviews. My Father, out of sight somewhere, was, of course, +playing the part of stage manager. + +I felt not at all shy, but so highly strung that my whole nature +seemed to throb with excitement. My first examiner, on the other +hand, was extremely confused. Fawkes, who was a builder in a +small business of his own, was short and fat; his complexion, +which wore a deeper and more uniform rose-colour than usual, I +observed to be starred with dew-drops of nervous emotion, which +he wiped away at intervals with a large bandana handkerchief. He +was so long in coming to the point, that I was obliged to lead +him to it myself, and I sat up on the sofa in the full lamplight, +and testified my faith in the atonement with a fluency that +surprised myself. Before I had done, Fawkes, a middle-aged man +with the reputation of being a very stiff employer of labour, was +weeping like a child. + +Bere, the carpenter, a long, thin and dry man, with a curiously +immobile eye, did not fall so easily a prey to my fascinations. +He put me through my paces very sharply, for he had something of +the temper of an attorney mingled with his religiousness. +However, I was equal to him, and he, too, though he held his own +head higher, was not less impressed than Fawkes had been, by the +surroundings of the occasion. Neither of them had ever been in +our drawing-room since it was furnished, and I thought that each +of them noticed how smart the wallpaper was. Indeed, I believe I +drew their attention to it. After the two solitary examinations +were over, the elders came in again, as I have said, and they +prayed for a long time. We all three knelt at the sofa, I between +them. But by this time, to my great exaltation of spirits there +had succeeded an equally dismal depression. It was my turn now to +weep, and I dimly remember any Father coming into the room, and +my being carried up to bed, in a state of collapse and fatigue, +by the silent and kindly Miss Marks. + +On the following Sunday morning, I was the principal subject +which occupied an unusually crowded meeting. My Father, looking +whiter and yet darker than usual, called upon Brother Fawkes and +Brother Bere to state to the assembled saints what their +experiences had been in connexion with their visits to 'one' who +desired to be admitted to the breaking of bread. It was +tremendously exciting to me to hear myself spoken of with this +impersonal publicity, and I had no fear of the result. + +Events showed that I had no need of fear. Fawkes and Bere were +sometimes accused of a rivalry, which indeed broke out a few +years later, and gave my Father much anxiety and pain. But on +this occasion their unanimity was wonderful. Each strove to +exceed the other in the tributes which they paid to any piety. My +answers had been so full and clear, my humility (save the mark!) +had been so sweet, my acquaintance with Scripture so amazing, my +testimony to all the leading principles of salvation so distinct +and exhaustive, that they could only say that they had felt +confounded, and yet deeply cheered and led far along their own +heavenly path, by hearing such accents fall from the lips of a +babe and a suckling. I did not like being described as a +suckling, but every lot has its crumpled rose-leaf, and in all +other respects the report of the elders was a triumph. My Father +then clenched the whole matter by rising and announcing that I +had expressed an independent desire to confess the Lord by the +act of public baptism, immediately after which I should be +admitted to communion 'as an adult'. Emotion ran so high at this, +that a large portion of the congregation insisted on walking with +us back to our garden-gate, to the stupefaction of the rest of +the villagers. + +My public baptism was the central event of my whole childhood. +Everything, since the earliest dawn of consciousness, seemed to +have been leading up to it. Everything, afterwards, seemed to be +leading down and away from it. The practice of immersing +communicants on the sea-beach at Oddicombe had now been +completely abandoned, but we possessed as yet no tank for a +baptismal purpose in our own Room. The Room in the adjoining +town, however, was really quite a large chapel, and it was amply +provided with the needful conveniences. It was our practice, +therefore, at this time, to claim the hospitality of our +neighbours. Baptisms were made an occasion for friendly relations +between the two congregations, and led to pleasant social +intercourse. I believe that the ministers and elders of the two +meetings arranged to combine their forces at these times, and to +baptize communicants from both congregations. + +The minister of the town meeting was Mr. S., a very handsome old +gentleman, of venerable and powerful appearance. He had snowy +hair and a long white beard, but from under shaggy eyebrows there +blazed out great black eyes which warned the beholder that the +snow was an ornament and not a sign of decrepitude. The eve of my +baptism at length drew near; it was fixed for October 12, almost +exactly three weeks after my tenth birthday. I was dressed in old +clothes, and a suit of smarter things was packed up in a carpet- +bag. After nightfall, this carpet-bag, accompanied by my Father, +myself, Miss Marks and Mary Grace, was put in a four-wheeled cab, +and driven, a long way in the dark, to the chapel of our friends. +There we were received, in a blaze of lights, with a pressure of +hands, with a murmur of voices, with ejaculations and even with +tears, and were conducted, amid unspeakable emotion, to places of +honour in the front row of the congregation. + +The scene was one which would have been impressive, not merely to +such hermits as we were, but even to worldly persons accustomed +to life and to its curious and variegated experiences. To me it +was dazzling beyond words, inexpressibly exciting, an initiation +to every kind of publicity and glory. There were many candidates, +but the rest of them,--mere grownup men and women,--gave thanks +aloud that it was their privilege to follow where I led. I was +the acknowledged hero of the hour. Those were days when newspaper +enterprise was scarcely in its infancy, and the event owed +nothing to journalistic effort; in spite of that, the news of +this remarkable ceremony, the immersion of a little boy of ten +years old 'as an adult', had spread far and wide through the +county in the course of three weeks. The chapel of our hosts was, +as I have said, very large; it was commonly too large for their +needs, but on this night it was crowded to the ceiling, and the +crowd had come--as every soft murmur assured me--to see _me_. + +There were people there who had travelled from Exeter, from +Dartmouth, from Totnes, to witness so extraordinary a ceremony. +There was one old woman of eighty-five who had come, my +neighbours whispered to me, all the way from Moreton-Hampstead, +on purpose to see me baptized. I looked at her crumpled +countenance with amazement, for there was no curiosity, no +interest visible in it. She sat there perfectly listless, looking +at nothing, but chewing between her toothless gums what appeared +to be a jujube. + +In the centre of the chapel-floor a number of planks had been +taken up and revealed a pool which might have been supposed to be +a small swimming-bath. We gazed down into this dark square of +mysterious waters, from the tepid surface of which faint swirls +of vapour rose. The whole congregation was arranged, tier above +tier, about the four straight sides of this pool; every person +was able to see what happened in it without any unseemly +struggling or standing on forms. Mr. S. now rose, an impressive +hieratic figure, commanding attention and imploring perfect +silence. He held a small book in his hand, and he was preparing +to give out the number of a hymn, when an astounding incident +took place. + +There was a great splash, and a tall young woman was perceived to +be in the baptismal pool, her arms waving above her head, and her +figure held upright in the water by the inflation of the air +underneath her crinoline which was blown out like a bladder, as +in some extravagant old fashion-plate. Whether her feet touched +the bottom of the font I cannot say, but I suppose they did so. +An indescribable turmoil of shrieks and cries followed on this +extraordinary apparition. A great many people excitedly called +upon other people to be calm, and an instance was given of the +remark of James Smith that + + He who, in quest of quiet, 'Silence!' hoots + Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. + +The young woman, in a more or less fainting condition, was +presently removed from the water, and taken into the sort of tent +which was prepared for candidates. It was found that she herself +had wished to be a candidate and had earnestly desired to be +baptized, but that this had been forbidden by her parents. On the +supposition that she fell in by accident, a pious coincidence was +detected in this affair; the Lord had pre-ordained that she +should be baptized in spite of all opposition. But my Father, in +his shrewd way, doubted. He pointed out to us, next morning, +that, in the first place, she had not, in any sense, been +baptized, as her head had not been immersed; and that, in the +second place, she must have deliberately jumped in, since, had +she stumbled and fallen forward, her hands and face would have +struck the water, whereas they remained quite dry. She belonged, +however, to the neighbour congregation, and we had no +responsibility to pursue the inquiry any further. + +Decorum being again secured, Mr. S., with unimpaired dignity, +proposed to the congregation a hymn, which was long enough to +occupy them during the preparations for the actual baptism. He +then retired to the vestry, and I (for I was to be the first to +testify) was led by Miss Marks and Mary Grace into the species of +tent of which I have just spoken. Its pale sides seemed to shake +with the jubilant singing of the saints outside, while part of my +clothing was removed and I was prepared for immersion. A sudden +cessation of the hymn warned us that to Minister was now ready, +and we emerged into the glare of lights and faces to find Mr. S. +already standing in the water up to his knees. Feeling as small +as one of our microscopical specimens, almost infinitesimally +tiny as I descended into his Titanic arms, I was handed down the +steps to him. He was dressed in a kind of long surplice, +underneath which--as I could not, even in that moment, help +observing--the air gathered in long bubbles which he strove to +flatten out. The end of his noble beard he had tucked away; his +shirt-sleeves were turned up at the wrist. + +The entire congregation was now silent, so silent that the +uncertain splashing of my feet as I descended seemed to deafen +one. Mr. S., a little embarrassed by my short stature, succeeded +at length in securing me with one palm on my chest and the other +between my shoulders. He said, slowly, in a loud, sonorous voice +that seemed to enter my brain and empty it, 'I baptize thee, my +Brother, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy +Ghost!' Having intoned this formula, he then gently flung me +backwards until I was wholly under the water, and then--as he +brought me up again, and tenderly steadied my feet on the steps +of the font, and delivered me, dripping and spluttering, into the +anxious hands of the women, who hurried me to the tent--the whole +assembly broke forth in a thunder of song, a paean of praise to +God for this manifestation of his marvellous goodness and mercy. +So great was the enthusiasm, that it could hardly be restrained +so as to allow the other candidates, the humdrum adults who +followed in my wet and glorious footsteps, to undergo a ritual +about which, in their case, no one in the congregation pretended +to be able to take even the most languid interest. + +My Father's happiness during the next few weeks it is not +pathetic to me to look back upon. His sternness melted into a +universal complaisance. He laughed and smiled, he paid to my +opinions the tribute of the gravest considerations, he indulged-- +utterly unlike his wont--in shy and furtive caresses. I could +express no wish that he did not attempt to fulfill, and the only +warning which he cared to give me was one, very gently expressed, +against spiritual pride. + +This was certainly required, for I was puffed out with a sense of +my own holiness. I was religiously confidential with my Father, +condescending with Miss Marks (who I think had given up trying to +make it all out), haughty with the servants, and insufferably +patronizing with those young companions of my own age with whom I +was now beginning to associate. + +I would fain close this remarkable episode on a key of solemnity, +but alas! If I am to be loyal to the truth, I must record that +some of the other little boys presently complained to Mary Grace +that I put out my tongue at them in mockery, during the service +in the Room, to remind them that I now broke bread as one of the +Saints and that they did not. + +CHAPTER IX + +THE result of my being admitted into the communion of the +'Saints' was that, as soon as the nine days' wonder of the thing +passed by, my position became, if anything, more harassing and +pressed than ever. It is true that freedom was permitted to me in +certain directions; I was allowed to act a little more on my own +responsibility, and was not so incessantly informed what 'the +Lord's will' might be in this matter and in that, because it was +now conceived that, in such dilemmas, I could command private +intelligence of my own. But there was no relaxation of our rigid +manner of life, and I think I now began, by comparing it with the +habits of others, to perceive how very strict it was. + +The main difference in my lot as a communicant from that of a +mere dweller in the tents of righteousness was that I was +expected to respond with instant fervour to every appeal of +conscience. When I did not do this, my position was almost worse +than it had been before, because of the livelier nature of the +responsibility which weighed upon me. My little faults of +conduct, too, assumed shapes of terrible importance, since they +proceeded from one so signally enlightened. My Father was never +tired of reminding me that, now that I was a professing +Christian, I must remember, in everything I did, that I was an +example to others. He used to draw dreadful pictures of +supposititious little boys who were secretly watching me from +afar, and whose whole career, in time and in eternity, might be +disastrously affected if I did not keep my lamp burning. + +The year which followed upon my baptism did not open very happily +at the Room. Considerable changes had now taken place in the +community. My Father's impressive services, a certain prestige in +his preaching, the mere fact that so vigorous a person was at the +head of affairs, had induced a large increase in the attendance. +By this time, if my memory does not fail me as to dates, we had +left the dismal loft over the stables, and had built ourselves a +perfectly plain, but commodious and well-arranged chapel in the +centre of the village. This greatly added to the prosperity of +the meeting. Everything had combined to make our services +popular, and had attracted to us a new element of younger people. +Numbers of youthful masons and carpenters, shop-girls and +domestic servants, found the Room a pleasant trysting-place, and +were more or less superficially induced to accept salvation as it +was offered to them in my Father's searching addresses. My Father +was very shrewd in dealing with mere curiosity or idle motive, +and sharply packed off any youths who simply came to make eyes at +the girls, or any 'maids' whose only object was to display their +new bonnet-strings. But he was powerless against a temporary +sincerity, the simulacrum of a true change of heart. I have often +heard him say,--of some young fellow who had attended our +services with fervour for a little while, and then had turned +cold and left us,--'and I thought that the Holy Ghost had wrought +in him!' Such disappointments grievously depress an evangelist. + +Religious bodies are liable to strange and unaccountable +fluctuations. At the beginning of the third year since our +arrival, the congregation seemed to be in a very prosperous +state, as regards attendance, conversions and other outward signs +of activity. Yet it was quite soon after this that my Father +began to be harassed by all sorts of troubles, and the spring of +1860 was a critical moment in the history of the community. +Although he loved to take a very high tone about the Saints, and +involved them sometimes in a cloud of laudatory metaphysics, the +truth was that they were nothing more than peasants of a somewhat +primitive type, not well instructed in the rules of conduct and +liable to exactly the same weaknesses as invade the rural +character in every country and latitude. That they were exhorted +to behave as 'children of light', and that the majority of them +sincerely desired to do credit to their high calling, could not +prevent their being beset by the sins which had affected their +forebears for generations past. + +The addition of so many young persons of each sex to the +communion led to an entirely new class of embarrassment. Now +there arose endless difficulties about 'engagements', about +youthful brethren who 'went out walking' with even more youthful +sisters. Glancing over my Father's notes, I observe the ceaseless +repetition of cases in which So-and-So is 'courting' Such-an-one, +followed by the melancholy record that he has 'deserted' her. In +my Father's stern language, 'desertion' would very often mean no +more than that the amatory pair had blamelessly changed their +minds; but in some cases it meant more and worse than this. It +was a very great distress to him that sometimes the young men and +women who showed the most lively interest in Scripture, and who +had apparently accepted the way of salvation with the fullest +intelligence, were precisely those who seemed to struggle with +least success against a temptation to unchastity. He put this +down to the concentrated malignity of Satan, who directed his +most poisoned darts against the fairest of the flock. + +In addition to these troubles, there came recriminations, mutual +charges of drunkenness in private, all sorts of petty jealousy +and scandal. There were frequent definite acts of 'back-sliding' +on the part of members, who had in consequence to be 'put away'. +No one of these cases might be in itself extremely serious, but +when many of them came together they seemed to indicate that the +church was in an unhealthy condition. The particulars of many of +these scandals were concealed from me, but I was an adroit little +pitcher, and had cultivated the art of seeming to be interested +in something else, a book or a flower, while my elders were +talking confidentially. As a rule, while I would fain have +acquired more details, I was fairly well-informed about the +errors of the Saints, although I was often quaintly ignorant of +the real nature of those errors. + +Not infrequently, persons who had fallen into sin repented of it +under my Father's penetrating ministrations. They were apt in +their penitence to use strange symbolic expressions. I remember +Mrs. Pewings, our washerwoman, who had been accused of +intemperance and had been suspended from communion, reappearing +with a face that shone with soap and sanctification, and saying +to me, 'Oh! blessed Child, you're wonderin' to zee old Pewings +here again, but He have rolled away my mountain!' For once, I was +absolutely at a loss, but she meant that the Lord had removed the +load of her sins, and restored her to a state of grace. + +It was in consequence of these backslidings, which had become +alarmingly frequent, that early in 1860 my Father determined on +proclaiming a solemn fast. He delivered one Sunday what seemed to +me an awe-inspiring address, calling upon us all closely to +examine our consciences, and reminding us of the appalling fate +of the church of Laodicea. He said that it was not enough to have +made a satisfactory confession of faith, nor even to have sealed +that confession in baptism, if we did not live up to our +protestations. Salvation, he told us, must indeed precede +holiness of life, yet both are essential. It was a dark and rainy +winter morning when he made this terrible address, which +frightened the congregation extremely. When the marrow was +congealed within our bones, and when the bowed heads before him, +and the faintly audible sobs of the women in the background, told +him that his lesson had gone home, he pronounced the keeping of a +day in the following week as a fast of contrition. 'Those of you +who have to pursue your daily occupations will pursue them, but +sustained only by the bread of affliction and by the water of +affliction.' + +His influence over these gentle peasant people was certainly +remarkable, for no effort was made to resist his exhortation. It +was his customary plan to stay a little while, after the morning +meeting was over, and in a very affable fashion to shake hands +with the Saints. But on this occasion he stalked forth without a +word, holding my hand tight until we had swept out into the +street. + +How the rest of the congregation kept this fast I do not know. +But it was a dreadful day for us. I was awakened in the pitchy +night to go off with my Father to the Room, where a scanty +gathering held a penitential prayer-meeting. We came home, as +dawn was breaking, and in process of time sat down to breakfast, +which consisted--at that dismal hour--of slices of dry bread and +a tumbler of cold water each. During the morning, I was not +allowed to paint, or write, or withdraw to my study in the box- +room. We sat, in a state of depression not to be described, in +the breakfast-room, reading books of a devotional character, with +occasional wailing of some very doleful hymn. Our midday dinner +came at last; the meal was strictly confined, as before, to dry +slices of the loaf and a tumbler of water. + +The afternoon would have been spent as the morning was, and so my +Father spent it. But Miss Marks, seeing my white cheeks and the +dark rings around my eyes, besought leave to take me out for a +walk. This was permitted, with a pledge that I should be given no +species of refreshment. Although I told Miss Marks, in the course +of the walk, that I was feeling 'so leer' (our Devonshire phrase +for hungry), she dared not break her word. Our last meal was of +the former character, and the day ended by our trapesing through +the wet to another prayer-meeting, whence I returned in a state +bordering on collapse and was put to bed without further +nourishment. There was no great hardship in all this, I daresay, +but it was certainly rigorous. My Father took pains to see that +what he had said about the bread and water of affliction was +carried out in the bosom of his own family, and by no one more +unflinchingly than by himself. + +My attitude to other people's souls when I was out of my Father's +sight was now a constant anxiety to me. In our tattling world of +small things he had extraordinary opportunities of learning how I +behaved when I was away from home; I did not realize this, and I +used to think his acquaintance with my deeds and words savoured +almost of wizardry. He was accustomed to urge upon me the +necessity of 'speaking for Jesus in season and out of season', +and he so worked upon my feelings that I would start forth like +St. Teresa, wild for the Moors and martyrdom. But any actual +impact with persons marvelously cooled my zeal, and I should +hardly ever have 'spoken' at all if it had not been for that +unfortunate phrase 'out of season'. It really seemed that one +must talk of nothing else, since if an occasion was not in season +it was out of season; there was no alternative, no close time for +souls. + +My Father was very generous. He used to magnify any little effort +that I made, with stammering tongue, to sanctify a visit; and +people, I now see, were accustomed to give me a friendly lead in +this direction, so that they might please him by reporting that I +had 'testified' in the Lord's service. The whole thing, however, +was artificial, and was part of my Father's restless inability to +let well alone. It was not in harshness or in ill-nature that he +worried me so much; on the contrary, it was all part of his too- +anxious love. He was in a hurry to see me become a shining light, +everything that he had himself desired to be, yet with none of +his shortcomings. + +It was about this time that he harrowed my whole soul into +painful agitation by a phrase that he let fall, without, I +believe, attaching any particular importance to it at the time. +He was occupied, as he so often was, in polishing and burnishing +my faith, and he was led to speak of the day when I should ascend +the pulpit to preach my first sermon. 'Oh! if I may be there, out +of sight, and hear the gospel message proclaimed from your lips, +then I shall say, "My poor work is done. Oh! Lord Jesus, receive +my spirit".' I cannot express the dismay which this aspiration +gave me, the horror with which I anticipated such a nunc +dimittis. I felt like a small and solitary bird, caught and hung +out hopelessly and endlessly in a great glittering cage. The +clearness of the personal image affected me as all the texts and +prayers and predictions had failed to do. I saw myself imprisoned +for ever in the religious system which had caught me and would +whirl my helpless spirit as in the concentric wheels of my +nightly vision. I did not struggle against it, because I believed +that it was inevitable, and that there was no other way of making +peace with the terrible and ever-watchful 'God who is a jealous +God'. But I looked forward to my fate without zeal and without +exhilaration, and the fear of the Lord altogether swallowed up +and cancelled any notion of the love of Him. + +I should do myself an injustice, however, if I described my +attitude to faith at this time as wanting in candour. I did very +earnestly desire to follow where my Father led. That passion for +imitation, which I have already discussed, was strongly developed +at this time, and it induced me to repeat the language of pious +books in godly ejaculations which greatly edified my grown-up +companions, and were, so far as I can judge, perfectly sincere. I +wished extremely to be good and holy, and I had no doubt in my +mind of the absolute infallibility of my Father as a guide in +heavenly things. But I am perfectly sure that there never was a +moment in which my heart truly responded, with native ardour, to +the words which flowed so readily, in such a stream of unction, +from my anointed lips. I cannot recall anything but an +intellectual surrender; there was never joy in the act of +resignation, never the mystic's rapture at feeling his phantom +self, his own threadbare soul, suffused, thrilled through, robed +again in glory by a fire which burns up everything personal and +individual about him. + +Through thick and thin I clung to a hard nut of individuality, +deep down in my childish nature. To the pressure from without I +resigned everything else, my thoughts, my words, my +anticipations, my assurances, but there was something which I +never resigned, my innate and persistent self. Meek as I seemed, +and gently respondent, I was always conscious of that innermost +quality which I had learned to recognize in my earlier days in +Islington, that existence of two in the depths who could speak to +one another in inviolable secrecy. + +'This a natural man may discourse of, and that very knowingly, and +give a kind of natural credit to it, as to a history that may be +true; but firmly to believe that there is divine truth in all +these things, and to have a persuasion of it stronger than of the +very thing we see with our eyes; such an assent as this is the +peculiar work of the Spirit of God, and is certainly saving +faith.' + +This passage is not to be found in the writings of any +extravagant Plymouth Brother, but in one of the most solid +classics of the Church, in Archbishop Leighton's _Commentary on +the First Epistle of Peter_. I quote it because it defines, more +exactly than words of my own could hope to do, the difference +which already existed, and in secrecy began forthwith to be more +and more acutely accentuated between my Father and myself. He did +indeed possess this saving faith, which could move mountains of +evidence, and suffer no diminution under the action of failure or +disappointment. I, on the other hand--as I began to feel dimly +then, and see luminously now--had only acquired the habit of +giving what the Archbishop means by 'a kind of natural credit' to +the doctrine so persistently impressed upon my conscience. From +its very nature this could not but be molten in the dews and +exhaled in the sunshine of life and thought and experience. + +My Father, by an indulgent act for the caprice of which I cannot +wholly account, presently let in a flood of imaginative light +which was certainly hostile to my heavenly calling. My +instinctive interest in geography has already been mentioned. +This was the one branch of knowledge in which I needed no +instruction, geographical information seeming to soak into the +cells of my brain without an effort. At the age of eleven, I knew +a great deal more of maps, and of the mutual relation of +localities all over the globe, than most grown-up people do. It +was almost a mechanical acquirement. I was now greatly taken with +the geography of the West Indies, of every part of which I had +made MS. maps. There was something powerfully attractive to my +fancy in the great chain of the Antilles, lying on the sea like +an open bracelet, with its big jewels and little jewels strung on +an invisible thread. I liked to shut my eyes and see it all, in a +mental panorama, stretched from Cape Sant' Antonio to the +Serpent's Mouth. Several of these lovely islands, these emeralds +and amethysts set on the Caribbean Sea, my Father had known well +in his youth, and I was importunate in questioning him about +them. One day, as I multiplied inquiries, he rose in his +impetuous way, and climbing to the top of a bookcase, brought +down a thick volume and presented it to me. 'You'll find all +about the Antilles there,' he said, and left me with _Tom +Cringle's Log_ in my possession. + +The embargo laid upon every species of fiction by my Mother's +powerful scruple had never been raised, although she had been +dead four years. As I have said in an earlier chapter, this was a +point on which I believe that my Father had never entirely agreed +with her. He had, however, yielded to her prejudice; and no work +of romance, no fictitious story, had ever come in my way. It is +remarkable that among our books, which amounted to many hundreds, +I had never discovered a single work of fiction until my Father +himself revealed the existence of Michael Scott's wild +masterpiece. So little did I understand what was allowable in the +way of literary invention that I began the story without a doubt +that it was true, and I think it was my Father himself who, in +answer to an inquiry, explained to me that it was 'all made up'. +He advised me to read the descriptions of the sea, and of the +mountains of Jamaica, and 'skip' the pages which gave imaginary +adventures and conversations. But I did not take his counsel; +these latter were the flower of the book to me. I had never read, +never dreamed of anything like them, and they filled my whole +horizon with glory and with joy. + +I suppose that when my Father was a younger man, and less +pietistic, he had read _Tom Cringle's Log_ with pleasure, because +it recalled familiar scenes to him. Much was explained by the +fact that the frontispiece of this edition was a delicate line- +engraving of Blewfields, the great lonely house in a garden of +Jamaican all-spice where for eighteen months he had worked as a +naturalist. He could not look at this print without recalling +exquisite memories and airs that blew from a terrestrial +paradise. But Michael Scott's noisy amorous novel of adventure +was an extraordinary book to put in the hands of a child who had +never been allowed to glance at the mildest and most febrifugal +story-book. + +It was like giving a glass of brandy neat to someone who had +never been weaned from a milk diet. I have not read _Tom Cringle's +Log_ from that day to this, and I think that I should be unwilling +now to break the charm of memory, which may be largely illusion. +But I remember a great deal of the plot and not a little of the +language, and, while I am sure it is enchantingly spirited, I am +quite as sure that the persons it describes were far from being +unspotted by the world. The scenes at night in the streets of +Spanish Town surpassed not merely my experience, but, thank +goodness, my imagination. The nautical personages used, in their +conversations, what is called 'a class of language', and there +ran, if I am not mistaken, a glow and gust of life through the +romance from beginning to end which was nothing if it was not +resolutely pagan. + +There were certain scenes and images in _Tom Cringle's Log_ which +made not merely a lasting impression upon my mind, but tinged my +outlook upon life. The long adventures, fightings and escapes, +sudden storms without, and mutinies within, drawn forth as they +were, surely with great skill, upon the fiery blue of the +boundless tropical ocean, produced on my inner mind a sort of +glimmering hope, very vaguely felt at first, slowly developing, +long stationary and faint, but always tending towards a belief +that I should escape at last from the narrowness of the life we +led at home, from this bondage to the Law and the Prophets. + +I must not define too clearly, nor endeavour too formally to +insist on the blind movements of a childish mind. But of this I +am quite sure, that the reading and re-reading of _Tom Cringle's +Log_ did more than anything else, in this critical eleventh year +of my life, to give fortitude to my individuality, which was in +great danger--as I now see--of succumbing to the pressure my +Father brought to bear upon it from all sides. My soul was shut +up, like Fatima, in a tower to which no external influences could +come, and it might really have been starved to death, or have +lost the power of recovery and rebound, if my captor, by some +freak not yet perfectly accounted for, had not gratuitously +opened a little window in it and added a powerful telescope. The +daring chapters of Michael Scott's picaresque romance of the +tropics were that telescope and that window. + +In the spring of this year, I began to walk about the village and +even proceed for considerable distances into the country by +myself, and after reading _Tom Cringle's Log_ those expeditions +were accompanied by a constant hope of meeting with some +adventures. I did not court events, however, except in fancy, for +I was very shy of real people, and would break off some gallant +dream of prowess on the high seas to bolt into a field and hide +behind the hedge, while a couple of labouring men went by. +Sometimes, however, the wave of a great purpose would bear me on, +as when once, but certainly at an earlier date than I have now +reached, hearing the dangers of a persistent drought much dwelt +upon, I carried my small red watering pot, full of water, up to +the top of the village, and then all the way down Petittor Lane, +and discharged its contents in a cornfield, hoping by this act to +improve the prospects of the harvest. A more eventful excursion +must be described, because of the moral impression it left +indelibly upon me. + +I have described the sequestered and beautiful hamlet of Barton, +to which I was so often taken visiting by Mary Grace Burmington. +At Barton there lived a couple who were objects of peculiar +interest to me, because of the rather odd fact that having come, +out of pure curiosity, to see me baptized, they had been then and +there deeply convinced of their spiritual danger. These were John +Brooks, an Irish quarryman, and his wife, Ann Brooks. These +people had not merely been hitherto unconverted, but they had +openly treated the Brethren with anger and contempt. They came, +indeed, to my baptism to mock, but they went away impressed. + +Next morning, when Mrs. Brooks was at the wash tub, as she told +us, Hell opened at her feet, and the Devil came out holding a +long scroll on which the list of her sins was written. She was so +much excited, that the motion brought about a miscarriage and she +was seriously ill. Meanwhile, her husband, who had been equally +moved at the baptism, was also converted, and as soon as she was +well enough, they were baptized together, and then 'broke bread' +with us. The case of the Brookses was much talked about, and was +attributed, in a distant sense, to me; that is to say, if I had +not been an object of public curiosity, the Brookses might have +remained in the bond of iniquity. I, therefore, took a very +particular interest in them, and as I presently heard that they +were extremely poor, I was filled with a fervent longing to +minister to their necessities. + +Somebody had lately given me a present of money, and I begged +little sums here and there until I reached the very considerable +figure of seven shillings and sixpence. With these coins safe in +a little linen bag, I started one Sunday afternoon, without +saying anything to anyone, and I arrived at the Brookses' cottage +in Barton. John Brooks was a heavy dirty man, with a pock-marked +face and two left legs; his broad and red face carried small +side-whiskers in the manner of that day, but was otherwise +shaved. When I reached the cottage, husband and wife were at +home, doing nothing at all in the approved Sunday style. I was +received by them with some surprise, but I quickly explained my +mission, and produced my linen bag. To my disgust, all John +Brooks said was, 'I know'd the Lord would provide,' and after +emptying my little bag into the palm of an enormous hand, he +swept the contents into his trousers pocket, and slapped his leg. +He said not one single word of thanks or appreciation, and I was +absolutely cut to the heart. + +I think that in the course of a long life I have never +experienced a bitterer disappointment. The woman, who was +quicker, and more sensitive, doubtless saw my embarrassment, but +the form of comfort which she chose was even more wounding to my +pride. 'Never mind, little master,' she said, 'you shall come and +see me feed the pigs.' But there is a limit to endurance, and +with a sense of having been cruelly torn by the tooth of +ingratitude, I fled from the threshold of the Brookses, never to +return. + +At tea that afternoon, I was very much downcast, and under cross- +examination from Miss Marks, all my little story came out. My +Father, who had been floating away in a meditation, as he very +often did, caught a word that interested him and descended to +consciousness. I had to tell my tale over again, this time very +sadly, and with a fear that I should be reprimanded. But on the +contrary, both my Father and Miss Marks were attentive and most +sympathetic, and I was much comforted. 'We must remember they are +the Lord's children,' said my Father. 'Even the Lord can't make a +silk purse out of a sow's ear,' said Miss Marks, who was +considerably ruffled. 'Alas! alas!' replied my Father, waving his +hand with a deprecating gesture. 'The dear child!' said Miss +Marks, bristling with indignation, and patting my hand across the +tea-table. 'The Lord will reward your zealous loving care of his +poor, even if they have neither the grace nor the knowledge to +thank you,' said my Father, and rested his brown eyes meltingly +upon me. 'Brutes!' said Miss Marks, thinking of John and Ann +Brooks. 'Oh no! no!' replied my Father, 'but hewers of wood and +drawers of water! We must bear with the limited intelligence.' +All this was an emollient to my wounds, and I became consoled. +But the springs of benevolence were dried up within me, and to +this day I have never entirely recovered from the shock of John +Brooks's coarse leer and his 'I know'd the Lord would provide.' +The infant plant of philanthropy was burned in my bosom as if by +quick-lime. + +In the course of the summer, a young schoolmaster called on my +Father to announce to him that he had just opened a day-school +for the sons of gentlemen in our vicinity, and he begged for the +favour of a visit. My Father returned his call; he lived in one +of the small white villas, buried in laurels, which gave a +discreet animation to our neighbourhood. Mr. M. was frank and +modest, deferential to my Father's opinions and yet capable of +defending his own. His school and he produced an excellent +impression, and in August I began to be one of his pupils. The +school was very informal; it was held in the two principal +dwelling-rooms on the ground-floor of the villa, and I do not +remember that Mr. M. had any help from an usher. + +There were perhaps twenty boys in the school at most, and often +fewer. I made the excursion between home and school four times a +day; if I walked fast, the transit might take five minutes, and, +as there were several objects of interest in the way, it might be +spread over an hour. In fine weather the going to and from school +was very delightful, and small as the scope of it was, it could +be varied almost indefinitely. I would sometimes meet with a +schoolfellow proceeding in the same direction, and my Father, +observing us over the wall one morning, was amused to notice that +I always progressed by dancing along the curbstone sideways, my +face turned inwards and my arms beating against my legs, +conversing loudly all the time. This was a case of pure heredity, +for so he used to go to his school, forty years before, along the +streets of Poole. + +One day when fortunately I was alone, I was accosted by an old +gentleman, dressed as a dissenting minister. He was pleased with +my replies, and he presently made it a habit to be taking his +constitutional when I was likely to be on the high road. We +became great friends, and he took me at last to his house, a very +modest place, where to my great amazement, there hung in the +dining-room, two large portraits, one of a man, the other of a +woman, in extravagant fancy-dress. My old friend told me that the +former was a picture of himself as he had appeared, 'long ago, in +my unconverted days, on the stage'. + +I was so ignorant as not to have the slightest conception of what +was meant by the stage, and he explained to me that he had been +an actor and a poet, before the Lord had opened his eyes to +better things. I knew nothing about actors, but poets were +already the objects of my veneration. My friend was the first +poet I had ever seen. He was no less a person than James Sheridan +Knowles, the famous author of _Virginius_ and _The Hunchback_, who +had become a Baptist minister in his old age. When, at home, I +mentioned this acquaintance, it awakened no interest. I believe +that my Father had never heard, or never noticed, the name of one +who had been by far the most eminent English playwright of that +age. + +It was from Sheridan Knowles' lips that I first heard fall the +name of Shakespeare. He was surprised, I fancy, to find me so +curiously advanced in some branches of knowledge, and so utterly +ignorant of others. He could hardly credit that the names of +Hamlet and Falstaff and Prospero meant nothing to a little boy +who knew so much theology and geography as I did. Mr. Knowles +suggested that I should ask my schoolmaster to read some of the +plays of Shakespeare with the boys, and he proposed _The Merchant +of Venice_ as particularly well-suited for this purpose. I +repeated what my aged friend (Mr. Sheridan Knowles must have been +nearly eighty at that time) had said, and Mr. M. accepted the +idea with promptitude. (All my memories of this my earliest +schoolmaster present him to me as intelligent, amiable and quick, +although I think not very soundly prepared for his profession.) + +Accordingly, it was announced that the reading of Shakespeare +would be one of our lessons, and on the following afternoon we +began _The Merchant of Venice_. There was one large volume, and it +was handed about the class; I was permitted to read the part of +Bassanio, and I set forth, with ecstatic pipe, how + + In Belmont is a lady richly left, + And she is fair, and fairer than that word! + +Mr. M. must have had some fondness for the stage himself; his +pleasure in the Shakespeare scenes was obvious, and nothing else +that he taught me made so much impression on me as what he said +about a proper emphasis in reading aloud. I was in the seventh +heaven of delight, but alas! we had only reached the second act +of the play, when the readings mysteriously stopped. I never knew +the cause, but I suspect that it was at my Father's desire. He +prided himself on never having read a page of Shakespeare, and on +never having entered a theatre but once. I think I must have +spoken at home about the readings, and that he must have given +the schoolmaster a hint to return to the ordinary school +curriculum. + +The fact that I was 'a believer', as it was our custom to call +one who had been admitted to the arcana of our religion, and that +therefore, in all commerce with 'unbelievers', it was my duty to +be 'testifying for my Lord, in season and out of season'--this +prevented my forming any intimate friendships at my first school. +I shrank from the toilsome and embarrassing act of button-holing +a schoolfellow as he rushed out of class, and of pressing upon +him the probably unintelligible question 'Have you found Jesus?' +It was simpler to avoid him, to slip like a lizard though the +laurels and emerge into solitude. + +The boys had a way of plunging out into the road in front of the +school-villa when afternoon school was over; it was a pleasant +rural road lined with high hedges and shadowed by elm-trees. +Here, especially towards the summer twilight, they used to linger +and play vague games, swooping and whirling in the declining +sunshine, and I was glad to join these bat-like sports. But my +company, though not avoided, was not greatly sought for. I think +that something of my curious history was known, and that I was, +not unkindly but instinctively, avoided, as an animal of a +different species, not allied to the herd. The conventionality of +little boys is constant; the colour of their traditions is +uniform. At the same time, although I made no friends, I found no +enemies. In class, except in my extraordinary aptitude for +geography, which was looked upon as incomprehensible and almost +uncanny, I was rather behind than in front of the others. I, +therefore, awakened no jealousies, and, intent on my own dreams, +I think my little shadowy presence escaped the notice of most of +my schoolfellows. + +By the side of the road I have mentioned, between the school and +my home, there was a large horse-pond. The hedge folded around +three sides of it, while ancient pollard elms bent over it, and +chequered with their foliage in it the reflection of the sky. The +roadside edge of this pond was my favourite station; it consisted +of a hard clay which could be moulded into fairly tenacious +forms. Here I created a maritime empire--islands, a seaboard with +harbours, light-houses, fortifications. My geographical +imitativeness had its full swing. Sometimes, while I was +creating, a cart would be driven roughly into the pond, and a +horse would drink deep of my ocean, his hooves trampling my +archipelagoes and shattering my ports with what was worse than a +typhoon. But I immediately set to work, as soon as the cart was +gone and the mud had settled, to tidy up my coastline again and +to scoop out anew my harbours. + +My pleasure in this sport was endless, and what I was able to +see, in my mind's eye, was not the edge of a morass of mud, but a +splendid line of coast, and gulfs of the type of Tor Bay. I do +not recollect a sharper double humiliation than when old Sam +Lamble, the blacksmith, who was one of the 'saints', being asked +by my Father whether he had met me, replied 'Yes, I zeed 'un up- +long, making mud pies in the ro-ad!' What a position for one who +had been received into communion 'as an adult'! What a blot on +the scutcheon of a would-be Columbus! 'Mud-pies', indeed! + +Yet I had an appreciator. One afternoon, as I was busy on my +geographical operations, a good-looking middle-aged lady, with a +soft pink cheek and a sparkling hazel eye, paused and asked me if +my name was not what it was. I had seen her before; a stranger to +our parts, with a voice without a trace in it of the Devonshire +drawl. I knew, dimly, that she came sometimes to the meeting, +that she was lodging at Upton with some friends of ours who +accepted paying guests in an old house that was simply a basket +of roses. She was Miss Brightwen, and I now conversed with her +for the first time. + +Her interest in my harbours and islands was marked; she did not +smile; she asked questions about my peninsulas which were +intelligent and pertinent. I was even persuaded at last to leave +my creations and to walk with her towards the village. I was +pleased with her voice, her refinements, her dress, which was +more delicate, and her manners, which were more easy, than what I +was accustomed to, We had some very pleasant conversation, and +when we parted I had the satisfaction of feeling that our +intercourse had been both agreeable to me and instructive to her. +I told her that I should be glad to tell her more on a future +occasion; she thanked me very gravely, and then she laughed a +little. I confess I did not see that there was anything to laugh +at. We parted on warm terms of mutual esteem, but I little +thought that this sympathetic Quakerish lady was to become my +mother. + +CHAPTER X + +I SLEPT in a little bed in a corner of the room, and my Father in +the ancestral four-poster nearer to the door. Very early one +bright September morning at the close of my eleventh year, my +Father called me over to him. I climbed up, and was snugly +wrapped in the coverlid; and then we held a momentous +conversation. It began abruptly by his asking me whether I should +like to have a new mamma. I was never a sentimentalist, and I +therefore answered, cannily, that that would depend on who she +was. He parried this, and announced that, anyway, a new mamma was +coming; I was sure to like her. Still in a noncommittal mood, I +asked: 'Will she go with me to the back of the lime-kiln?' This +question caused my Father a great bewilderment. I had to explain +that the ambition of my life was to go up behind the lime-kiln on +the top of the hill that hung over Barton, a spot which was +forbidden ground, being locally held one of extreme danger. 'Oh! +I daresay she will,' my Father then said, 'but you must guess who +she is.' I guessed one or two of the less comely of the female +'saints', and, this embarrassing my Father,--since the second I +mentioned was a married woman who kept a sweet-shop in the +village,--he cut my inquiries short by saying, 'It is Miss +Brightwen.' + +So far so good, and I was well pleased. But unfortunately I +remembered that it was my duty to testify 'in season and out of +season'. I therefore asked, with much earnestness, 'But, Papa, is +she one of the Lord's children?' He replied, with gravity, that +she was. 'Has she taken up her cross in baptism?' I went on, for +this was my own strong point as a believer. My Father looked a +little shame-faced, and replied: 'Well, she has not as yet seen +the necessity of that, but we must pray that the Lord may make +her way clear before her. You see, she has been brought up, +hitherto, in the so-called Church of England.' Our positions were +now curiously changed. It seemed as if it were I who was the +jealous monitor, and my Father the deprecating penitent. I sat up +in the coverlid, and I shook a finger at him. 'Papa,' I said, +'don't tell me that she's a pedobaptist?' I had lately acquired +that valuable word, and I seized this remarkable opportunity of +using it. It affected my Father painfully, but he repeated his +assurance that if we united our prayers, and set the Scripture +plan plainly before Miss Brightwen, there could be no doubt that +she would see her way to accepting the doctrine of adult baptism. +And he said we must judge not, lest we ourselves bejudged. I had +just enough tact to let that pass, but I was quite aware that our +whole system was one of judging, and that we had no intention +whatever of being judged ourselves. Yet even at the age of eleven +one sees that on certain occasions to press home the truth is not +convenient. + +Just before Christmas, on a piercing night of frost, my Father +brought to us his bride. The smartening up of the house, the new +furniture, the removal of my own possessions to a private +bedroom, the wedding-gifts of the 'saints', all these things +paled in interest before the fact that Miss Marks had 'made a +scene', in the course of the afternoon. I was dancing about the +drawing-room, and was saying: 'Oh! I am so glad my new Mamma is +coming,' when Miss Marks called out, in an unnatural voice, 'Oh! +you cruel child.' I stopped in amazement and stared at her, +whereupon she threw prudence to the winds, and moaned: 'I once +thought I should be your dear mamma.' I was simply stupefied, and +I expressed my horror in terms that were clear and strong. +Thereupon Miss Marks had a wild fit of hysterics, while I looked +on, wholly unsympathetic and still deeply affronted. She was +right; I was cruel, alas! but then, what a silly woman she had +been! The consequence was that she withdrew in a moist and +quivering condition to her boudoir, where she had locked herself +in when I, all smiles and caresses, was welcoming the bride and +bridegroom on the doorstep as politely as if I had been a valued +old family retainer. + +My stepmother immediately became a great ally of mine. She was +never a tower of strength to me, but at least she was always a +lodge in my garden of cucumbers. She was a very well-meaning +pious lady, but she was not a fanatic, and her mind did not +naturally revel in spiritual aspirations. Almost her only social +fault was that she was sometimes a little fretful; this was the +way in which her bruised individuality asserted itself. But she +was affectionate, serene, and above all refined. Her refinement +was extraordinarily pleasant to my nerves, on which much else in +our surroundings jarred. + +How life may have jarred, poor insulated lady, on her during her +first experience of our life at the Room, I know not, but I think +she was a philosopher. She had, with surprising rashness, and in +opposition to the wishes of every member of her own family, taken +her cake, and now she recognized that she must eat it, to the +last crumb. Over her wishes and prejudices my Father exercised a +constant, cheerful and quiet pressure. He was never unkind or +abrupt, but he went on adding avoirdupois until her will gave way +under the sheer weight. Even to public immersion, which, as was +natural in a shy and sensitive lady of advancing years, she +regarded with a horror which was long insurmountable,--even to +baptism she yielded, and my Father had the joy to announce to the +Saints one Sunday morning at the breaking of bread that 'my +beloved wife has been able at length to see the Lord's Will in +the matter of baptism, and will testify to the faith which is in +her on Thursday evening next.' No wonder my stepmother was +sometimes fretful. + +On the physical side, I owe her an endless debt of gratitude. Her +relations, who objected strongly to her marriage, had told her, +among other pleasant prophecies, that 'the first thing you will +have to do will be to bury that poor child'. Under the old-world +sway of Miss Marks, I had slept beneath a load of blankets, had +never gone out save weighted with great coat and comforter, and +had been protected from fresh air as if from a pestilence. With +real courage my stepmother reversed all this. My bedroom window +stood wide open all night long, wraps were done away with, or +exchanged for flannel garments next the skin, and I was urged to +be out and about as much as possible. + +All the quidnuncs among the 'saints' shook their heads; Mary +Grace Burmington, a little embittered by the downfall of her +Marks, made a solemn remonstrance to my Father, who, however, +allowed my stepmother to carry out her excellent plan. My health +responded rapidly to this change of regime, but increase of +health did not bring increase of spirituality. My Father, fully +occupied with moulding the will and inflaming the piety of my +stepmother, left me now, to a degree not precedented, +in undisturbed possession of my own devices. I did not lose my +faith, but many other things took a prominent place in my mind. + +It will, I suppose, be admitted that there is no greater proof of +complete religious sincerity than fervour in private prayer. If +an individual, alone by the side of his bed, prolongs his +intercessions, lingers wrestling with his divine Companion, and +will not leave off until he has what he believes to be evidence +of a reply to his entreaties--then, no matter what the character +of his public protestations, or what the frailty of his actions, +it is absolutely certain that he believes in what he professes. + +My Father prayed in private in what I may almost call a spirit of +violence. He entreated for spiritual guidance with nothing less +than importunity. It might be said that he stormed the citadels +of God's grace, refusing to be baffled, urging his intercessions +without mercy upon a Deity who sometimes struck me as inattentive +to his prayers or wearied by them. My Father's acts of +supplication, as I used to witness them at night, when I was +supposed to be asleep, were accompanied by stretchings out of the +hands, by crackings of the joints of the fingers, by deep +breathings, by murmurous sounds which seemed just breaking out of +silence, like Virgil's bees out of the hive, 'magnis clamoribus'. +My Father fortified his religious life by prayer as an athlete +does his physical life by lung-gymnastics and vigorous rubbings. + +It was a trouble to my conscience that I could not emulate this +fervour. The poverty of my prayers had now long been a source of +distress to me, but I could not discover how to enrich them. My +Father used to warn us very solemnly against 'lip-service', by +which he meant singing hymns of experience and joining in +ministrations in which our hearts took no vital or personal part. +This was an outward act, the tendency of which I could well +appreciate, but there was a 'lip-service' even more deadly than +that, against which it never occurred to him to warn me. It +assailed me when I had come alone by my bedside, and had blown +out the candle, and had sunken on my knees in my night-gown. Then +it was that my deadness made itself felt, in the mechanical +address I put up, the emptiness of my language, the absence of +all real unction. + +I never could contrive to ask God for spiritual gifts in the same +voice and spirit in which I could ask a human being for objects +which I knew he could give me and which I earnestly desired to +possess. That sense of the reality of intercession was for ever +denied me, and it was, I now see, the stigma of my want of faith. +But at the time, of course, I suspected nothing of the kind, and +I tried to keep up my zeal by a desperate mental flogging, as if +my soul had been a peg-top. + +In nothing did I gain from the advent of my stepmother more than +in the encouragement she gave to my friendships with a group of +boys of my own age, of whom I had now lately formed the +acquaintance. These friendships she not merely tolerated, but +fostered; it was even due to her kind arrangements that they took +a certain set form, that our excursions started from this house +or from that on regular days. I hardly know by what stages I +ceased to be a lonely little creature of mock-monographs and mud- +pies, and became a member of a sort of club of eight or ten +active boys. The long summer holidays of 1861 were set in an +enchanting brightness. + +Looking back, I cannot see a cloud on the terrestrial horizon--I +see nothing but a blaze of sunshine; descents of slippery grass +to moons of snow-white shingle, cold to the bare flesh; red +promontories running out into a sea that was like sapphire; and +our happy clan climbing, bathing, boating, lounging, chattering, +all the hot day through. Once more I have to record the fact, +which I think is not without interest, that precisely as my life +ceases to be solitary, it ceases to be distinct. I have no +difficulty in recalling, with the minuteness of a photograph, +scenes in which my Father and I were the sole actors within the +four walls of a room, but of the glorious life among wild boys on +the margin of the sea I have nothing but vague and broken +impressions, delicious and illusive. + +It was a remarkable proof of my Father's temporary lapse into +indulgence that he made no effort to thwart my intimacy with +these my new companions. He was in an unusually humane mood +himself. His marriage was one proof of it; another was the +composition at this time of the most picturesque, easy and +graceful of all his writings, _The Romance of Natural History_, +even now a sort of classic. Everything combined to make him +believe that the blessing of the Lord was upon him, and to clothe +the darkness of the world with at least a mist of rose-colour. I +do not recollect that ever at this time he bethought him, when I +started in the morning for a long day with my friends on the edge +of the sea, to remind me that I must speak to them, in season and +out of season, of the Blood of Jesus. And I, young coward that I +was, let sleeping dogmas lie. + +My companions were not all of them the sons of saints in our +communion; their parents belonged to that professional class +which we were only now beginning to attract to our services. They +were brought up in religious, but not in fanatical, families, and +I was the only 'converted' one among them. Mrs. Paget, of whom I +shall have presently to speak, characteristically said that it +grieved her to see 'one lamb among so many kids'. But 'kid' is a +word of varied significance and the symbol did not seem to us +effectively applied. As a matter of fact, we made what I still +feel was an excellent tacit compromise. My young companions never +jeered at me for being 'in communion with the saints', and I, on +my part, never urged the Atonement upon them. I began, in fact, +more and more to keep my own religion for use on Sundays. + +It will, I hope, have been observed that among the very curious +grown-up people into whose company I was thrown, although many +were frail and some were foolish, none, so far as I can discern, +were hypocritical. I am not one of those who believe that +hypocrisy is a vice that grows on every bush. Of course, in +religious more than in any other matters, there is a perpetual +contradiction between our thoughts and our deeds which is +inevitable to our social order, and is bound to lead to _cette +tromperie mutuelle_ of which Pascal speaks. But I have often +wondered, while admiring the splendid portrait of Tartuffe, +whether such a monster ever, or at least often, has walked the +stage of life; whether Moliere observed, or only invented him. + +To adopt a scheme of religious pretension, with no belief +whatever in its being true, merely for sensuous advantage, openly +acknowledging to one's inner self the brazen system of deceit,-- +such a course may, and doubtless has been, trodden, yet surely +much less frequently than cynics love to suggest. But at the +juncture which I have now reached in my narrative, I had the +advantage of knowing a person who was branded before the whole +world, and punished by the law of his country, as a felonious +hypocrite. My Father himself could only sigh and admit the +charge. And yet--I doubt. + +About half-way between our village and the town there lay a +comfortable villa inhabited by a retired solicitor, or perhaps +attorney, whom I shall name Mr. Dormant. We often called at his +half-way house, and, although he was a member of the town- +meeting, he not unfrequently came up to us for 'the breaking of +bread'. Mr. Dormant was a solid, pink man, of a cosy habit. He +had beautiful white hair, a very soft voice, and a welcoming, +wheedling manner; he was extremely fluent and zealous in using +the pious phraseology of the sect. My Father had never been very +much attracted to him, but the man professed, and I think felt, +an overwhelming admiration for my Father. Mr. Dormant was not +very well off, and in the previous year he had persuaded an aged +gentleman of wealth to come and board with him. When, in the +course of the winter, this gentleman died, much surprise was felt +at the report that he had left almost his entire fortune, which +was not inconsiderable, to Mr. Dormant. + +Much surprise--for the old gentleman had a son to whom he had +always been warmly attached, who was far away, I think in South +America, practising a perfectly respectable profession of which +his father entirely approved. My own Father always preserved a +delicacy and a sense of honour about money which could not have +been more sensitive if he had been an ungodly man, and I am very +much pleased to remember that when the legacy was first spoken +of, he regretted that Mr. Dormant should have allowed the old +gentleman to make this will. If he knew the intention, my Father +said, it would have shown a more proper sense of his +responsibility if he had dissuaded the testator from so +unbecoming a disposition. That was long before any legal question +arose; and now Mr. Dormant came into his fortune, and began to +make handsome gifts to missionary societies, and to his own +meeting in the town. If I do not mistake, he gave, unsolicited, a +sum to our building fund, which my Father afterwards returned. +But in process of time we heard that the son had come back from +the Antipodes, and was making investigations. Before we knew +where we were, the news burst upon us, like a bomb-shell, that +Mr. Dormant had been arrested on a criminal charge and was now in +jail at Exeter. + +Sympathy was at first much extended amongst us to the prisoner. +But it was lessened when we understood that the old gentleman had +been 'converted' while under Dormant's roof, and had given the +fact that his son was 'an unbeliever' as a reason for +disinheriting him. All doubt was set aside when it was divulged, +under pressure, by the nurse who attended on the old gentleman, +herself one of the 'saints', that Dormant had traced the +signature to the will by drawing the fingers of the testator over +the document when he was already and finally comatose. + +My Father, setting aside by a strong effort of will the +repugnance which he felt, visited the prisoner in gaol before +this final evidence had been extracted. When he returned he said +that Dormant appeared to be enjoying a perfect confidence of +heart, and had expressed a sense of his joy and peace in the +Lord; my Father regretted that he had not been able to persuade +him to admit any error, even of judgement. But the prisoner's +attitude in the dock, when the facts were proved, and not by him +denied, was still more extraordinary. He could be induced to +exhibit no species of remorse, and, to the obvious anger of the +judge himself, stated that he had only done his duty as a +Christian, in preventing this wealth from coming into the hands +of an ungodly man, who would have spent it in the service of the +flesh and of the devil. Sternly reprimanded by the judge, he made +the final statement that at that very moment he was conscious of +his Lord's presence, in the dock at his side, whispering to him +'Well done, thou good and faithful servant!' In this frame of +conscience, and with a glowing countenance, he was hurried away +to penal servitude. + +This was a very painful incident, and it is easy to see how +compromising, how cruel, it was in its effect upon our communion; +what occasion it gave to our enemies to blaspheme. No one, in +either meeting, could or would raise a voice to defend Mr. +Dormant. We had to bow our heads when we met our enemies in the +gate. The blow fell more heavily on the meeting of which he had +been a prominent and communicating member, but it fell on us too, +and my Father felt it severely. For many years he would never +mention the man's name, and he refused all discussion of the +incident. + +Yet I was never sure, and I am not sure now, that the wretched +being was a hypocrite. There are as many vulgar fanatics as there +are distinguished ones, and I am not convinced that Dormant, +coarse and narrow as he was, may not have sincerely believed that +it was better for the money to be used in religious propaganda +than in the pleasures of the world, of which he doubtless formed +a very vague idea. On this affair I meditated much, and it +awakened in my mind, for the first time, a doubt whether our +exclusive system of ethics was an entirely salutary one, if it +could lead the conscience of a believer to tolerate such acts as +these, acts which my Father himself had denounced as +dishonourable and disgraceful. + +My stepmother brought with her a little library of such books as +we had not previously seen, but which yet were known to all the +world except us. Prominent among these was a set of the poems of +Walter Scott, and in his unwonted geniality and provisional +spirit of compromise, my Father must do no less than read these +works aloud to my stepmother in the quiet spring evenings. This +was a sort of aftermath of courtship, a tribute of song to his +bride, very sentimental and pretty. She would sit, sedately, at +her workbox, while he, facing her, poured forth the verses at her +like a blackbird. I was not considered in this arrangement, which +was wholly matrimonial, but I was present, and the exercise made +more impression upon me than it did upon either of the principal +agents. My Father read the verse admirably, with a full,--some +people (but not I) might say with a too full--perception of the +metre as well as of the rhythm, rolling out the rhymes, and +glorying in the proper names. He began, and it was a happy +choice, with 'The Lady of the Lake'. It gave me singular pleasure +to hear his large voice do justice to 'Duncrannon' and 'Cambus- +Kenneth', and wake the echoes with 'Rhoderigh Vich Alphine dhu, +ho! ieroe!' I almost gasped with excitement, while a shudder +floated down my backbone, when we came to: + + A sharp and shrieking echo gave, + Coir-Uriskin, thy goblin cave! + And the grey pass where birches wave, + On Beala-nam-bo, + +a passage which seemed to me to achieve the ideal of sublime +romance. My thoughts were occupied all day long with the +adventures of Fitzjames and the denizens of Ellen's Isle. It +became an obsession, and when I was asked whether I remembered +the name of the cottage where the minister of the Bible +Christians lodged, I answered, dreamily, 'Yes,--Beala-nambo.' + +Seeing me so much fascinated, thrown indeed into a temporary +frenzy, by the epic poetry of Sir Walter Scott, my stepmother +asked my Father whether I might not start reading the Waverley +Novels. But he refused to permit this, on the ground that those +tales gave false and disturbing pictures of life, and would lead +away my attention from heavenly things. I do not fully apprehend +what distinction he drew between the poems, which he permitted, +and the novels, which he refused. But I suppose he regarded a +work in verse as more artificial, and therefore less likely to +make a realistic impression, than one in prose. There is +something quaint in the conscientious scruple which allows _The +Lord of the Isles_ and excludes _Rob Roy_. + +But stranger still, and amounting almost to a whim, was his +sudden decision that, although I might not touch the novels of +Scott, I was free to read those of Dickens. I recollect that my +stepmother showed some surprise at this, and that my Father +explained to her that Dickens 'exposes the passion of love in a +ridiculous light.' She did not seem to follow this +recommendation, which indeed tends to the ultra-subtle, but she +procured for me a copy of _Pickwick_, by which I was instantly and +gloriously enslaved. My shouts of laughing at the richer passages +were almost scandalous, and led to my being reproved for +disturbing my Father while engaged, in an upper room, in the +study of God's Word. I must have expended months on the perusal +of _Pickwick_, for I used to rush through a chapter, and then read +it over again very slowly, word for word, and then shut my eyes +to realize the figures and the action. + +I suppose no child will ever again enjoy that rapture of +unresisting humorous appreciation of 'Pickwick'. I felt myself to +be in the company of a gentleman so extremely funny that I began +to laugh before he began to speak; no sooner did he remark 'the +sky was dark and gloomy, the air was damp and raw,' than I was in +fits of hilarity. My retirement in our sequestered corner of life +made me, perhaps, even in this matter, somewhat old-fashioned, +and possibly I was the latest of the generation who accepted Mr. +Pickwick with an unquestioning and hysterical abandonment. +Certainly few young people now seem sensitive, as I was, and as +thousands before me had been, to the quality of his fascination. + +It was curious that living in a household where a certain +delicate art of painting was diligently cultivated, I had yet +never seen a real picture, and was scarcely familiar with the +design of one in engraving. My stepmother, however, brought a +flavour of the fine arts with her; a kind of aesthetic odour, +like that of lavender, clung to her as she moved. She had known +authentic artists in her youth; she had watched Old Crome +painting, and had taken a course of drawing-lessons from no less +a person than Cotman. She painted small watercolour landscapes +herself, with a delicate economy of means and a graceful Norwich +convention; her sketch-books were filled with abbeys gently +washed in, river-banks in sepia by which the elect might be dimly +reminded of _Liber Studiorum_, and woodland scenes over which the +ghost of Creswick had faintly breathed. It was not exciting art, +but it was, so far as it went, in its lady-like reserve, the real +thing. Our sea-anemones, our tropic birds, our bits of spongy +rock filled and sprayed with corallines, had been very +conscientious and skilful, but, essentially, so far as art was +concerned, the wrong thing. + +Thus I began to acquire, without understanding the value of it, +some conception of the elegant phases of early English +watercolour painting, and there was one singular piece of a +marble well brimming with water, and a greyish-blue sky over it, +and dark-green poplars, shaped like wet brooms, menacing the +middle distance, which Cotman himself had painted; and this +seemed beautiful and curious to me in its dim, flat frame, when +it was hoisted to a place on our drawing-room wall. + +But still I had never seen a subject-picture, although my +stepmother used to talk of the joys of the Royal Academy, and it +was therefore with a considerable sense of excitement that I +went, with my Father, to examine Mr. Holman Hunt's 'Finding of +Christ in the Temple' which at this time was announced to be on +public show at our neighbouring town. We paid our shillings and +ascended with others to an upper room, bare of every disturbing +object, in which a strong top-light raked the large and +uncompromising picture. We looked at it for some time in silence, +and then my Father pointed out to me various details, such as the +phylacteries and the mitres, and the robes which distinguished +the high priest. + +Some of the other visitors, as I recollect, expressed +astonishment and dislike of what they called the 'Preraphaelite' +treatment, but we were not affected by that. Indeed, if anything, +the exact, minute and hard execution of Mr. Hunt was in sympathy +with the methods we ourselves were in the habit of using when we +painted butterflies and seaweeds, placing perfectly pure pigments +side by side, without any nonsense about chiaroscuro. This large, +bright, comprehensive picture made a very deep impression upon +me, not exactly as a work of art, but as a brilliant natural +specimen. I was pleased to have seen it, as I was pleased to have +seen the comet, and the whale which was brought to our front door +on a truck. It was a prominent addition to my experience. + +The slender expansions of my interest which were now budding +hither and thither do not seem to have alarmed my Father at all. +His views were short; if I appeared to be contented and obedient, +if I responded pleasantly when he appealed to me, he was not +concerned to discover the source of my cheerfulness. He put it +down to my happy sense of joy in Christ, a reflection of the +sunshine of grace beaming upon me through no intervening clouds +of sin or doubt. The 'saints' were, as a rule, very easy to +comprehend; their emotions lay upon the surface. If they were +gay, it was because they had no burden on their consciences, +while, if they were depressed, the symptom might be depended upon +as showing that their consciences were troubling them, and if +they were indifferent and cold, it was certain that they were +losing their faith and becoming hostile to godliness. It was +almost a mechanical matter with these simple souls. But, although +I was so much younger, I was more complex and more crafty than +the peasant 'saints'. My Father, not a very subtle psychologist, +applied to me the same formulas which served him well at the +chapel, but in my case the results were less uniformly +successful. + +The excitement of school-life and the enlargement of my circle of +interests, combined to make Sunday, by contrast, a very tedious +occasion. The absence of every species of recreation on the +Lord's Day grew to be a burden which might scarcely be borne. I +have said that my freedom during the week had now become +considerable; if I was at home punctually at meal times, the rest +of my leisure was not challenged. But this liberty, which in the +summer holidays came to surpass that of 'fishes that tipple in +the deep', was put into more and more painful contrast with the +unbroken servitude of Sunday. + +My Father objected very strongly to the expression Sabbath-day, +as it is commonly used by Presbyterians and others. He said, +quite justly, that it was an inaccurate modern innovation, that +Sabbath was Saturday, the Seventh day of the week, not the first, +a Jewish festival and not a Christian commemoration. Yet his +exaggerated view with regard to the observance of the First Day, +namely, that it must be exclusively occupied with public and +private exercises of divine worship, was based much more upon a +Jewish than upon a Christian law. In fact, I do not remember that +my Father ever produced a definite argument from the New +Testament in support of his excessive passivity on the Lord's +Day. He followed the early Puritan practice, except that he did +not extend his observance, as I believe the old Puritans did, +from sunset on Saturday to sunset on Sunday. + +The observance of the Lord's Day has already become universally +so lax that I think there may be some value in preserving an +accurate record of how our Sundays were spent five and forty +years ago. We came down to breakfast at the usual time. My Father +prayed briefly before we began the meal; after it, the bell was +rung, and, before the breakfast was cleared away, we had a +lengthy service of exposition and prayer with the servants. If +the weather was fine, we then walked about the garden, doing +nothing, for about half an hour. We then sat, each in a separate +room, with our Bibles open and some commentary on the text beside +us, and prepared our minds for the morning service. A little +before 11 a.m. we sallied forth, carrying our Bibles and hymn- +books, and went through the morning-service of two hours at the +Room; this was the central event of Sunday. + +We then came back to dinner,--curiously enough to a hot dinner, +always, with a joint, vegetables and puddings, so that the cook +at least must have been busily at work,--and after it my Father +and my stepmother took a nap, each in a different room, while I +slipped out into the garden for a little while, but never +venturing farther afield. In the middle of the afternoon, my +stepmother and I proceeded up the village to Sunday School, where +I was early promoted to the tuition of a few very little boys. We +returned in time for tea, immediately after which we all marched +forth, again armed as in the morning, with Bibles and hymn-books, +and we went though the evening-service, at which my Father +preached. The hour was now already past my weekday bedtime, but +we had another service to attend, the Believers' Prayer Meeting, +which commonly occupied forty minutes more. Then we used to creep +home, I often so tired that the weariness was like physical pain, +and I was permitted, without further 'worship', to slip upstairs +to bed. + +What made these Sundays, the observance of which was absolutely +uniform, so peculiarly trying was that I was not permitted the +indulgence of any secular respite. I might not open a scientific +book, nor make a drawing, nor examine a specimen. I was not +allowed to go into the road, except to proceed with my parents to +the Room, nor to discuss worldly subjects at meals, nor to enter +the little chamber where I kept my treasures. I was hotly and +tightly dressed in black, all day long, as though ready at any +moment to attend a funeral with decorum. Sometimes, towards +evening, I used to feel the monotony and weariness of my position +to be almost unendurable, but at this time I was meek, and I +bowed to what I supposed to be the order of the universe. + +CHAPTER XI + +As my mental horizon widened, my Father followed the direction of +my spiritual eyes with some bewilderment, and knew not at what I +gazed. Nor could I have put into words, nor can I even now +define, the visions which held my vague and timid attention. As a +child develops, those who regard it with tenderness or impatience +are seldom even approximately correct in their analysis of its +intellectual movements, largely because, if there is anything to +record, it defies adult definition. One curious freak of +mentality I must now mention, because it took a considerable part +in the enfranchisement of my mind, or rather in the formation of +my thinking habits. But neither my Father nor my stepmother knew +what to make of it, and to tell the truth I hardly know what to +make of it myself. + +Among the books which my new mother had brought with her were +certain editions of the poets, an odd assortment. Campbell was +there, and Burns, and Keats, and the 'Tales' of Byron. Each of +these might have been expected to appeal to me; but my emotion +was too young, and I did not listen to them yet. Their imperative +voices called me later. By the side of these romantic classics +stood a small, thick volume, bound in black morocco, and +comprising four reprinted works of the eighteenth century, +gloomy, funereal poems of an order as wholly out of date as are +the crossbones and ruffled cherubim on the gravestones in a +country churchyard. The four--and in this order, as I never shall +forget--were 'The Last Day' of Dr Young, Blair's 'Grave', 'Death' +by Bishop Beilby Porteus, and 'The Deity' of Samuel Boyse. These +lugubrious effusions, all in blank verse or in the heroic +couplet, represented, in its most redundant form, the artistic +theology of the middle of the eighteenth century. They were +steeped in such vengeful and hortatory sentiments as passed for +elegant piety in the reign of George II. + +How I came to open this solemn volume is explained by the +oppressive exclusiveness of our Sundays. On the afternoon of the +Lord's Day, as I have already explained, I might neither walk, +nor talk, nor explore our scientific library, nor indulge in +furious feats of water-colour painting. The Plymouth-Brother +theology which alone was open to me produced, at length, and +particularly on hot afternoons, a faint physical nausea, a kind +of secret headache. But, hitting one day upon the doleful book of +verses, and observing its religious character, I asked 'May I +read that?' and after a brief, astonished glance at the contents, +received 'Oh certainly--if you can!' + +The lawn sloped directly from a verandah at our drawing-room +window, and it contained two immense elm trees, which had +originally formed part of the hedge of a meadow. In our trim and +polished garden they then remained--they were soon afterwards cut +down--rude and obtuse, with something primeval about them, +something autochthonous; they were like two peasant ancestors +surviving in a family that had advanced to gentility. They rose +each out of a steep turfed hillock, and the root of one of them +was long my favourite summer reading-desk; for I could lie +stretched on the lawn, with my head and shoulders supported by +the elm-tree hillock, and the book in a fissure of the rough +turf. Thither then I escaped with my graveyard poets, and who +shall explain the rapture with which I followed their austere +morality? + +Whether I really read consecutively in my black-bound volume I +can no longer be sure, but it became a companion whose society I +valued, and at worst it was a thousand times more congenial to me +than Jukes' 'On the Pentateuch' or than a perfectly excruciating +work ambiguously styled 'The Javelin of Phineas', which lay +smouldering in a dull red cover on the drawing-room table. I +dipped my bucket here and there into my poets, and I brought up +strange things. I brought up out of the depths of 'The Last Day' +the following ejaculation of a soul roused by the trump of +resurrection: + + Father of mercies! Why from silent earth + Didst thou awake, and curse me into birth? + Tear me from quiet, ravish me from night, + And make a thankless present of thy light? + Push into being a reverse of thee, + And animate a clod with misery? + +I read these lines with a shiver of excitement, and in a sense I +suppose little intended by the sanctimonious rector of Welwyn. I +also read in the same piece the surprising description of how + + Now charnels rattle, scattered limbs, and all + The various bones, obsequious to the call, + Self-mov'd, advance--the neck perhaps to meet + The distant head, the distant legs the feet, + +but rejected it as not wholly supported by the testimony of +Scripture. I think that the rhetoric and vigorous advance of +Young's verse were pleasant to me. Beilby Porteus I discarded +from the first as impenetrable. In 'The Deity',--I knew nothing +then of the life of its extravagant and preposterous author,--I +took a kind of persistent, penitential pleasure, but it was +Blair's 'Grave' that really delighted me, and I frightened myself +with its melodious doleful images in earnest. + +About this time there was a great flow of tea-table hospitality +in the village, and my friends and their friends used to be asked +out, by respective parents and by more than one amiable spinster, +to faint little entertainments where those sang who were +ambitious to sing, and where all played post and forfeits after a +rich tea. My Father was constantly exercised in mind as to +whether I should or should not accept these glittering +invitations. There hovered before him a painful sense of danger +in resigning the soul to pleasures which savoured of 'the world'. +These, though apparently innocent in themselves, might give an +appetite for yet more subversive dissipations. I remember, on one +occasion,--when the Browns, a family of Baptists who kept a large +haberdashery shop in the neighbouring town, asked for the +pleasure of my company 'to tea and games', and carried +complacency so far as to offer to send that local vehicle, 'the +midge', to fetch me and bring me back,--my Father's conscience +was so painfully perplexed, that he desired me to come up with +him to the now-deserted 'boudoir' of the departed Marks, that we +might 'lay the matter before the Lord'. We did so, kneeling side +by side, with our backs to the window and our foreheads pressed +upon the horsehair cover of the small, coffin-like sofa. My +Father prayed aloud, with great fervour, that it might be +revealed to me, by the voice of God, whether it was or was not +the Lord's will that I should attend the Browns' party. My +Father's attitude seemed to me to be hardly fair, since he did +not scruple to remind the Deity of various objections to a life +of pleasure and of the snakes that lie hidden in the grass of +evening parties. It would have been more scrupulous, I thought, +to give no sort of hint of the kind of answer he desired and +expected. + +It will be justly said that my life was made up of very trifling +things, since I have to confess that this incident of the Browns' +invitation was one of its landmarks. As I knelt, feeling very +small, by the immense bulk of my Father, there gushed though my +veins like a wine the determination to rebel. Never before, in +all these years of my vocation, had I felt my resistance take +precisely this definite form. We rose presently from the sofa, my +forehead and the backs of my hands still chafed by the texture of +the horsehair, and we faced one another in the dreary light. My +Father, perfectly confident in the success of what had really +been a sort of incantation, asked me in a loud wheedling voice, +'Well, and what is the answer which our Lord vouchsafes?' I said +nothing, and so my Father, more sharply, continued, 'We have +asked Him to direct you to a true knowledge of His will. We have +desired Him to let you know whether it is, or is not, in +accordance with His wishes that you should accept this invitation +from the Browns.' He positively beamed down at me; he had no +doubt of the reply. He was already, I believe, planning some +little treat to make up to me for the material deprivation. But +my answer came, in the high-piping accents of despair: 'The Lord +says I may go to the Browns.' My Father gazed at me in speechless +horror. He was caught in his own trap, and though he was certain +that the Lord had said nothing of the kind, there was no road +open for him but just sheer retreat. Yet surely it was an error +in tactics to slam the door. + +It was at this party at the Browns--to which I duly went, +although in sore disgrace--that my charnel poets played me a mean +trick. It was proposed that 'our young friends' should give their +elders the treat of repeating any pretty pieces that they knew by +heart. Accordingly a little girl recited 'Casabianca', and +another little girl 'We are Seven', and various children were +induced to repeat hymns, 'some rather long', as Calverley says, +but all very mild and innocuously evangelical. I was then asked +by Mrs. Brown's maiden sister, a gushing lady in corkscrew curls, +who led the revels, whether I also would not indulge them 'by +repeating some sweet stanzas'. No one more ready than I. Without +a moment's hesitation, I stood forth, and in a loud voice I began +one of my favourite passages from Blair's 'Grave': + + If death were nothing, and nought after death-- + If when men died at once they ceased to be,-- + Returning to the barren Womb of Nothing + Whence first they sprung, then might the debauchee... + +'Thank you, dear, that will do nicely!' interrupted the lady with +the curls. 'But that's only the beginning of it,' I cried. 'Yes. +dear, but that will quite do! We won't ask you to repeat any more +of it,' and I withdrew to the borders of the company in +bewilderment. Nor did the Browns or their visitors ever learn +what it was the debauchee might have said or done in more +favourable circumstances. + +The growing eagerness which I displayed for the society of +selected schoolfellows and for such gentle dissipations as were +within my reach exercised my Father greatly. His fancy rushed +forward with the pace of a steam-engine, and saw me the life and +soul of a gambling club, or flaunting it at the Mabille. He had +no confidence in the action of moderating powers, and he was fond +of repeating that the downward path is easy. If one fretted to be +bathing with one's companions on the shingle, and preferred this +exercise to the study of God's Word, it was a symbol of a +terrible decline, the angle of which would grow steeper and +steeper, until one plunged into perdition. He was, himself, timid +and reclusive, and he shrank from all avoidable companionship +with others, except on the footing of a master and teacher. My +stepmother and I, who neither taught nor ruled, yearned for a +looser chain and lighter relationships. With regard to myself, my +Father about this time hit on a plan from which he hoped much, +but from which little resulted. He looked to George to supply +what my temperament seemed to require of congenial juvenile +companionship. + +If I have not mentioned 'George' until now, it is not that he was +a new acquaintance. When we first came down into the country, our +sympathy had been called forth by an accident to a little boy, +who was knocked over by a horse, and whose thigh was broken. +Somebody (I suppose Mary Grace, since my Father could rarely +bring himself to pay these public visits) went to see the child +in the infirmary, and accidentally discovered that he was exactly +the same age that I was. This, and the fact that he was a +meditative and sober little boy, attracted us all still further +to George, who became converted under one of my Father's sermons. +He attended my public baptism, and was so much moved by this +ceremony that he passionately desired to be baptized also, and +was in fact so immersed, a few months later, slightly to my +chagrin, since I thereupon ceased to be the only infant prodigy +in communion. When we were both in our thirteenth year, George +became an outdoor servant to us, and did odd jobs under the +gardener. My Father, finding him, as he said, 'docile, obedient +and engaging', petted George a good deal, and taught him a little +botany. He called George, by a curious contortion of thought, my +'spiritual foster-brother', and anticipated for him, I think, a +career, like mine, in the Ministry. + +Our garden suffered from an incursion of slugs, which laid the +verbenas in the dust, and shore off the carnations as if with +pairs of scissors. To cope with this plague we invested in a +drake and a duck, who were christened Philemon and Baucis. Every +night large cabbage-leaves, containing the lees of beer, were +spread about the flower-beds as traps, and at dawn these had +become green parlours crammed with intoxicated slugs. One of +George's earliest morning duties was to free Philemon and Baucis +from their coop, and, armed with a small wand, to guide their +footsteps to the feast in one cabbage-leaf after another. My +Father used to watch this performance from an upper window, and, +in moments of high facetiousness, he was wont to parody the poet +Gray: + + How jocund doth George drive his team afield! + +This is all, or almost all, that I remember about George's +occupations, but he was singularly blameless. + +My Father's plan now was that I should form a close intimacy with +George, as a boy of my own age, of my own faith, of my own +future. My stepmother, still in bondage to the social +conventions, was passionately troubled at this, and urged the +barrier of class-differences. My Father replied that such an +intimacy would keep me 'lowly', and that from so good a boy as +George I could learn nothing undesirable. 'He will encourage him +not to wipe his boots when he comes into the house,' said my +stepmother, and my Father sighed to think how narrow is the +horizon of Woman's view of heavenly things. + +In this caprice, if I may call it so, I think that my Father had +before him the fine republican example of 'Sandford and Merton', +some parts of which book he admired extremely. Accordingly George +and I were sent out to take walks together, and as we started, my +Father, with an air of great benevolence, would suggest some +passage of Scripture, or 'some aspect of God's bountiful scheme +in creation, on which you may profitably meditate together.' +George and I never pursued the discussion of the text with which +my Father started us for more than a minute or two; then we fell +into silence, or investigated current scenes and rustic topics. + +As is natural among the children of the poor, George was +precocious where I was infantile, and undeveloped where I was +elaborate. Our minds could hardly find a point at which to touch. +He gave me, however, under cross-examination, interesting hints +about rural matters, and I liked him, although I felt his company +to be insipid. Sometimes he carried my books by my side to the +larger and more distant school which I now attended, but I was +always in a fever of dread lest my schoolfellows should see +him, and should accuse me of having to be 'brought' to school. To +explain to them that the companionship of this wholesome and +rather blunt young peasant was part of my spiritual discipline +would have been all beyond my powers. + +It was soon after this that my stepmother made her one vain +effort to break though the stillness of our lives. My Father's +energy seemed to decline, to become more fitful, to take +unseasonable directions. My mother instinctively felt that his +peculiarities were growing upon him; he would scarcely stir from +his microscope, except to go to the chapel, and he was visible to +fewer and fewer visitors. She had taken a pleasure in his +literary eminence, and she was aware that this, too, would slip +from him; that, so persistently kept out of sight, he must soon +be out of mind. I know not how she gathered courage for her +tremendous effort, but she took me, I recollect, into her +counsels. We were to unite to oblige my Father to start to his +feet and face the world. Alas! we might as well have attempted to +rouse the summit of Yes Tor into volcanic action. To my mother's +arguments, my Father--with that baffling smile of his--replied: +'I esteem the reproach of Christ greater riches than the +treasures of Egypt!' and that this answer was indirect made it +none the less conclusive. My mother wished him to give lectures, +to go to London, to read papers before the Royal Society, to +enter into controversy with foreign savants, to conduct classes +of outdoor zoology at fashionable watering-places. I held my +breath with admiration as she poured forth her scheme, so daring, +so brilliant, so sure to cover our great man with glory. He +listened to her with an ambiguous smile, and shook his head at +us, and resumed the reading of his Bible. + +At the date of which I write these pages, the arts of +illustration are so universally diffused that it is difficult to +realize the darkness in which a remote English village was +plunged half a century ago. No opportunity was offered to us +dwellers in remote places of realizing the outward appearances of +unfamiliar persons, scenes or things. Although ours was perhaps +the most cultivated household in the parish, I had never seen so +much as a representation of a work of sculpture until I was +thirteen. My mother then received from her earlier home certain +volumes, among which was a gaudy gift-book of some kind, +containing a few steel engravings of statues. + +These attracted me violently, and here for the first time I gazed +on Apollo with his proud gesture, Venus in her undulations, the +kirtled shape of Diana, and Jupiter voluminously bearded. Very +little information, and that tome not intelligible, was given in +the text, but these were said to be figures of the old Greek +gods. I asked my Father to tell me about these 'old Greek gods'. +His answer was direct and disconcerting. He said--how I recollect +the place and time, early in the morning, as I stood beside the +window in our garish breakfast-room--he said that the so-called +gods of the Greeks were the shadows cast by the vices of the +heathen, and reflected their infamous lives; 'it was for such +things as these that God poured down brimstone and fire on the +Cities of the Plain, and there is nothing in the legends of these +gods, or rather devils, that it is not better for a Christian not +to know.' His face blazed white with Puritan fury as he said +this--I see him now in my mind's eye, in his violent emotion. You +might have thought that he had himself escaped with horror from +some Hellenic hippodrome. + +My Father's prestige was by this time considerably lessened in my +mind, and though I loved and admired him, I had now long ceased +to hold him infallible. I did not accept his condemnation of the +Greeks, although I bowed to it. In private I returned to examine +my steel engravings of the statues, and I reflected that they +were too beautiful to be so wicked as my Father thought they +were. The dangerous and pagan notion that beauty palliates evil +budded in my mind, without any external suggestion, and by this +reflection alone I was still further sundered from the faith in +which I had been trained. I gathered very diligently all I could +pick up about the Greek gods and their statues; it was not much, +it was indeed ludicrously little and false, but it was a germ. +And at this aesthetic juncture I was drawn into what was really +rather an extraordinary circle of incidents. + +Among the 'Saints' in our village there lived a shoemaker and his +wife, who had one daughter, Susan Flood. She was a flighty, +excited young creature, and lately, during the passage of some +itinerary revivalists, she had been 'converted' in the noisiest +way, with sobs, gasps and gurglings. When this crisis passed, she +came with her parents to our meetings, and was received quietly +enough to the breaking of bread. But about the time I speak of, +Susan Flood went up to London to pay a visit to an unconverted +uncle and aunt. It was first whispered amongst us, and then +openly stated, that these relatives had taken her to the Crystal +Palace, where, in passing through the Sculpture Gallery, Susan's +sense of decency had been so grievously affronted, that she had +smashed the naked figures with the handle of her parasol, before +her horrified companions could stop her. She had, in fact, run +amok among the statuary, and had, to the intense chagrin of her +uncle and aunt, very worthy persons, been arrested and brought +before a magistrate, who dismissed her with a warning to her +relations that she had better be sent home to Devonshire and +'looked after'. Susan Flood's return to us, however, was a +triumph; she had no sense of having acted injudiciously or +unbecomingly; she was ready to recount to every one, in vague and +veiled language, how she had been able to testify for the Lord +'in the very temple of Belial', for so she poetically described +the Crystal Palace. She was, of course, in a state of unbridled +hysteria, but such physical explanations were not encouraged +amongst us, and the case of Susan Flood awakened a great deal of +sympathy. + +There was held a meeting of the elders in our drawing-room to +discuss it, and I contrived to be present, though out of +observation. My Father, while he recognized the purity of Susan +Flood's zeal, questioned its wisdom. He noted that the statuary +was not her property, but that of the Crystal Palace. Of the +other communicants, none, I think, had the very slightest notion +what the objects were that Susan had smashed, or tried to smash, +and frankly maintained that they thought her conduct magnificent. +As for me, I had gathered by persistent inquiry enough +information to know that what her sacrilegious parasol had +attacked were bodies of my mysterious friends, the Greek gods, +and if all the rest of the village applauded iconoclastic Susan, +I at least would be ardent on the other side. + +But I was conscious that there was nobody in the world to whom I +could go for sympathy. If I had ever read 'Hellas' I should have +murmured + + Apollo, Pan and Love, + And even Olympian Jove, + Grew weak, when killing Susan glared on them. + +On the day in question, I was unable to endure the drawing-room +meeting to its close, but, clutching my volume of the Funereal +Poets, I made a dash for the garden. In the midst of a mass of +laurels, a clearing had been hollowed out, where ferns were grown +and a garden-seat was placed. There was no regular path to this +asylum; one dived under the snake-like boughs of the laurel and +came up again in absolute seclusion. + +Into this haunt I now fled to meditate about the savage godliness +of that vandal, Susan Flood. So extremely ignorant was I that I +supposed her to have destroyed the originals of the statues, +marble and unique. I knew nothing about plaster casts, and I +thought the damage (it is possible that there had really been no +damage whatever) was of an irreparable character. I sank into the +seat, with the great wall of laurels whispering around me, and I +burst into tears. There was something, surely, quaint and +pathetic in the figure of a little Plymouth Brother sitting in +that advanced year of grace, weeping bitterly for indignities +done to Hermes and to Aphrodite. Then I opened my book for +consolation, and I read a great block of pompous verse out of +'The Deity', in the midst of which exercise, yielding to the +softness of the hot and aromatic air, I fell fast asleep. + +Among those who applauded the zeal of Susan Flood's parasol, the +Pagets were prominent. These were a retired Baptist minister and +his wife, from Exmouth, who had lately settled amongst us, and +joined in the breaking of bread. Mr. Paget was a fat old man, +whose round pale face was clean-shaven, and who carried a full +crop of loose white hair above it; his large lips were always +moving, whether he spoke or not. He resembled, as I now perceive, +the portraits of S. T. Coleridge in age, but with all the +intellect left out of them. He lived in a sort of trance of +solemn religious despondency. He had thrown up his cure of souls, +because he became convinced that he had committed the Sin against +the Holy Ghost. His wife was younger than he, very small, very +tight, very active, with black eyes like pin-pricks at the base +of an extremely high and narrow forehead, bordered with glossy +ringlets. He was very cross to her, and it was murmured that +'dear Mrs. Paget had often had to pass through the waters of +affliction'. They were very poor, but rigidly genteel, and she +was careful, so far as she could, to conceal from the world the +caprices of her poor lunatic husband. + +In our circle, it was never for a moment admitted that Mr. Paget +was a lunatic. It was said that he had gravely sinned, and was +under the Lord's displeasure; prayers were abundantly offered up +that he might be led back into the pathway of light, and that the +Smiling Face might be drawn forth for him from behind the +Frowning Providence. When the man had an epileptic seizure in the +High Street, he was not taken to a hospital, but we repeated to +one another, with shaken heads, that Satan, that crooked Serpent, +had been unloosed for a season. Mr. Paget was fond of talking, in +private and in public, of his dreadful spiritual condition and he +would drop his voice while he spoke of having committed the +Unpardonable Sin, with a sort of shuddering exultation, such as +people sometimes feel in the possession of a very unusual +disease. + +It might be thought that the position held in any community by +persons so afflicted and eccentric as the Pagets would be very +precarious. But it was not so with us; on the contrary, they took +a prominent place at once. Mr. Paget, in spite of his spiritual +bankruptcy, was only too anxious to help my Father in his +ministrations, and used to beg to be allowed to pray and exhort. +In the latter case he took the tone of a wounded veteran, who, +though fallen on the bloody field himself, could still encourage +younger warriors to march forward to victory. Everybody longed to +know what the exact nature had been of that sin against the Holy +Ghost which had deprived Mr. Paget of every glimmer of hope for +time or for eternity. It was whispered that even my Father +himself was not precisely acquainted with the character of it. + +This mysterious disability clothed Mr. Paget for us with a kind of +romance. We watched him as the women watched Dante in Verona, +whispering: + + Behold him how Hell's reek + Has crisped his hair and singed his cheek! + +His person lacked, it is true, something of the dignity of +Dante's, for it was his caprice to walk up and down the High +Street at noonday with one of those cascades of coloured paper +which were known as 'ornaments for your fireplace' slung over the +back and another over the front of his body. These he +manufactured for sale, and he adopted the quaint practice of +wearing the exuberant objects as a means for their advertisement. + +Mrs. Paget had been accustomed to rule in the little ministry +from which Mr. Paget's celebrated Sin had banished them, and she +was inclined to clutch at the sceptre now. She was the only +person I ever met with who was not afraid of the displeasure of +my Father. She would fix her viper-coloured eyes on his, and say +with a kind of gimlet firmness, 'I hardly think that is the true +interpretation, Brother G.', or, 'But let us turn to Colossians, +and see what the Holy Ghost says there upon this matter.' She +fascinated my Father, who was not accustomed to this kind of +interruption, and as she was not to be softened by any flattery +(such as:--'Marvellous indeed, Sister, is your acquaintance with +the means of grace!') she became almost a terror to him. + +She abused her powers by taking great liberties, which culminated +in her drawing his attention to the fact that my poor stepmother +displayed 'an overweening love of dress'. The accusation was +perfectly false; my stepmother was, if rather richly, always, +plainly dressed, in the sober Quaker mode; almost her only +ornament was a large carnelian brooch, set in flowered flat gold. +To this the envenomed Paget drew my Father's attention as 'likely +to lead "the little ones of the flock" into temptation'. My poor +Father felt it his duty, thus directly admonished, to speak to my +mother. 'Do you not think, my Love, that you should, as one who +sets an example to others, discard the wearing of that gaudy +brooch?' 'One must fasten one's collar with something, I suppose?' +'Well, but how does Sister Paget fasten her collar?' 'Sister +Paget,' replied my Mother, stung at last into rejoinder, 'fastens +her collar with a pin,--and that is a thing which I would rather +die than do!' + +Nor did I escape the attentions of this zealous reformer. Mrs. +Paget was good enough to take a great interest in me, and she was +not satisfied with the way in which I was being brought up. Her +presence seemed to pervade the village, and I could neither come +in nor go out without seeing her hard bonnet and her pursed-up +lips. She would hasten to report to my Father that she saw me +laughing and talking 'with a lot of unconverted boys', these +being the companions with whom I had full permission to bathe and +boat. She urged my Father to complete my holy vocation by some +definite step, by which he would dedicate me completely to the +Lord's service. Further schooling she thought needless, and +merely likely to foster intellectual pride. Mr. Paget, she +remarked, had troubled very little in his youth about worldly +knowledge, and yet how blessed he had been in the conversion of +souls until he had incurred the displeasure of the Holy Ghost! + +I do not know exactly what she wanted my Father to do with me; +perhaps she did not know herself; she was meddlesome, ignorant +and fanatical, and she liked to fancy that she was exercising +influence. But the wonderful, the inexplicable thing is that my +Father,--who, with all his limitations, was so distinguished and +high-minded,--should listen to her for a moment, and still more +wonderful is it that he really allowed her, grim vixen that she +was, to disturb his plans and retard his purposes. I think the +explanation lay in the perfectly logical position she took up. My +Father found himself brought face to face at last, not with a +disciple, but with a trained expert in his own peculiar scheme of +religion. At every point she was armed with arguments the source +of which he knew and the validity of which he recognized. He +trembled before Mrs. Paget as a man in a dream may tremble before +a parody of his own central self, and he could not blame her +without laying himself open somewhere to censure. + +But my stepmother's instincts were more primitive and her actions +less wire-drawn than my Father's. She disliked Mrs. Paget as much +as one earnest believer can bring herself to dislike a sister in +the Lord. My stepmother had quietly devoted herself to what she +thought the best way of bringing me up, and she did not propose +now to be thwarted by the wife of a lunatic Baptist. At this time +I was a mixture of childishness and priggishness, of curious +knowledge and dense ignorance. Certain portions of my intellect +were growing with unwholesome activity, while others were +stunted, or had never stirred at all. I was like a plant on which +a pot has been placed, with the effect that the centre is crushed +and arrested, while shoots are straggling up to the light on all +sides. My Father himself was aware of this, and in a spasmodic +way he wished to regulate my thoughts. But all he did was to try +to straighten the shoots, without removing the pot which kept +them resolutely down. + +It was my stepmother who decided that I was now old enough to go +to boarding-school, and my Father, having discovered that an +elderly couple of Plymouth Brethren kept an 'academy for young +gentlemen' in a neighbouring seaport town,--in the prospectus of +which the knowledge and love of the Lord were mentioned as +occupying the attention of the head--master and his assistants +far more closely than any mere considerations of worldly +tuition,--was persuaded to entrust me to its care. He stipulated, +however, that I should always come home from Saturday night to +Monday morning, not, as he said, that I might receive any carnal +indulgence, but that there might be no cessation of my communion +as a believer with the Saints in our village on Sundays. To this +school, therefore, I presently departed, gawky and homesick, and +the rift between my soul and that of my Father widened a little +more. + +CHAPTER XII + +LITTLE boys from quiet, pious households, commonly found, in +those days, a chasm yawning at the feet of their inexperience +when they arrived at Boarding-school. But the fact that I still +slept at home on Saturday and Sunday nights preserved me, I +fancy, from many surprises. There was a crisis, but it was broad +and slow for me. On the other hand, for my Father I am inclined +to think that it was definite and sharp. Permission for me to +desert the parental hearth, even for five days in certain weeks, +was tantamount, in his mind, to admitting that the great scheme, +so long caressed, so passionately fostered, must in its primitive +bigness be now dropped. + +The Great Scheme (I cannot resist giving it the mortuary of +capital letters) had been, as my readers know, that I should be +exclusively and consecutively dedicated through the whole of my +life, 'to the manifest and uninterrupted and uncompromised +service of the Lord'. That had been the aspiration of my Mother, +and at her death she had bequeathed that desire to my Father, +like a dream of the Promised Land. In their ecstasy, my parents +had taken me, as Elkanah and Hannah had long ago taken Samuel, +from their mountain-home of Ramathaim-Zophim down to sacrifice to +the Lord of Hosts in Shiloh. They had girt me about with a linen +ephod, and had hoped to leave me there; 'as long as he liveth,' +they had said, 'he shall be lent unto the Lord.' + +Doubtless in the course of these fourteen years it had +occasionally flashed upon my Father, as he overheard some speech +of mine, or detected some idiosyncrasy, that I was not one of +those whose temperament points them out as ultimately fitted for +an austere life of religion. What he hoped, however, was that +when the little roughnesses of childhood were rubbed away, there +would pass a deep mellowness over my soul. He had a touching way +of condoning my faults of conduct, directly after reproving them, +and he would softly deprecate my frailty, saying, in a tone of +harrowing tenderness, 'Are you not the child of many prayers?' He +continued to think that prayer, such passionate importunate +prayer as his, must prevail. Faith could move mountains; should +it not be able to mould the little ductile heart of a child, +since he was sure that his own faith was unfaltering? He had +yearned and waited for a son who should be totally without human +audacities, who should be humble, pure, not troubled by worldly +agitations, a son whose life should be cleansed and straightened +from above, _in custodiendo sermones Dei_; in whom everything +should be sacrificed except the one thing needful to salvation. + +How such a marvel of lowly piety was to earn a living had never, +I think, occurred to him. My Father was singularly indifferent +about money. Perhaps his notion was that, totally devoid of +ambitions as I was to be, I should quietly become adult, and +continue his ministrations among the poor of the Christian flock. +He had some dim dream, I think, of there being just enough for us +all without my having to take up any business or trade. I believe +it was immediately after my first term at boarding-school, that I +was a silent but indignant witness of a conversation between my +Father and Mr. Thomas Brightwen, my stepmother's brother, who was +a banker in one of the Eastern Counties. + +This question, 'What is he to be?' in a worldly sense, was being +discussed, and I am sure that it was for the first time, at all +events in my presence. Mr. Brightwen, I fancy, had been worked +upon by my stepmother, whose affection for me was always on the +increase, to suggest, or faintly to stir the air in the +neighbourhood of suggesting, a query about my future. He was +childless and so was she, and I think a kind impulse led them to +'feel the way', as it is called. I believe he said that the +banking business, wisely and honourably conducted, sometimes led, +as we know that it is apt to lead, to affluence. To my horror, my +Father, with rising emphasis, replied that 'if there were offered +to his beloved child what is called "an opening" that would lead +to an income of L10,000 a year, and that would divert his +thoughts and interest from the Lord's work he would reject it on +his child's behalf.' Mr. Brightwen, a precise and polished +gentleman who evidently never made an exaggerated statement in +his life, was, I think, faintly scandalized; he soon left us, and +I do not recollect his paying us a second visit. + +For my silent part, I felt very much like Gehazi, and I would +fain have followed after the banker if I had dared to do so, into +the night. I would have excused to him the ardour of my Elisha, +and I would have reminded him of the sons of the prophets--'Give +me, I pray thee,' I would have said, 'a talent of silver and two +changes of garments.' It seemed to me very hard that my Father +should dispose of my possibilities of wealth in so summary a +fashion, but the fact that I did resent it, and regretted what I +supposed to be my 'chance', shows how far apart we had already +swung. My Father, I am convinced, thought that he gave words to +my inward instincts when he repudiated the very mild and +inconclusive benevolence of his brother-in-law. But he certainly +did not do so. I was conscious of a sharp and instinctive +disappointment at having had, as I fancied, wealth so near my +grasp, and at seeing it all cast violently into the sea of my +Father's scruples. + +Not one of my village friends attended the boarding-school to +which I was now attached, and I arrived there without an +acquaintance. I should soon, however, have found a corner of my +own if my Father had not unluckily stipulated that I was not to +sleep in the dormitory with the boys of my own age, but in the +room occupied by the two elder sons of a prominent Plymouth +Brother whom he knew. From a social point of view this was an +unfortunate arrangement, since these youths were some years older +and many years riper than I; the eldest, in fact, was soon to +leave; they had enjoyed their independence, and they now greatly +resented being saddled with the presence of an unknown urchin. +The supposition had been that they would protect and foster my +religious practices; would encourage me, indeed, as my Father put +it, to approach the Throne of Grace with them at morning and +evening prayer. They made no pretence, however, to be considered +godly; they looked upon me as an intruder; and after a while the +younger, and ruder, of them openly let me know that they believed +I had been put into their room to 'spy upon' them; it had been a +plot, they knew, between their father and mine: and he darkly +warned me that I should suffer if 'anything got out'. I had, +however, no wish to trouble them, nor any faint interest in their +affairs. I soon discovered that they were absorbed in a silly +kind of amorous correspondence with the girls of a neighbouring +academy, but 'what were all such toys to me?' + +These young fellows, who ought long before to have left the +school, did nothing overtly unkind to me, but they condemned me +to silence. They ceased to address me except with an occasional +command. By reason of my youth, I was in bed and asleep before my +companions arrived upstairs, and in the morning I was always +routed up and packed about my business while they still were +drowsing. But the fact that I had been cut off from my coevals by +night, cut me off from them also by day--so that I was nothing to +them, neither a boarder nor a day-scholar, neither flesh, fish +nor fowl. The loneliness of my life was extreme, and that I +always went home on Saturday afternoon and returned on Monday +morning still further checked my companionships at school. For a +long time, round the outskirts of that busy throng of opening +lives, I 'wandered lonely as a cloud', and sometimes I was more +unhappy than I had ever been before. No one, however, bullied me, +and though I was dimly and indefinably witness to acts of +uncleanness and cruelty, I was the victim of no such acts and the +recipient of no dangerous confidences. I suppose that my queer +reputation for sanctity, half dreadful, half ridiculous, +surrounded me with a non-conducting atmosphere. + +We are the victims of hallowed proverbs, and one of the most +classic of these tells us that 'the child is father of the man'. +But in my case I cannot think that this was true. In mature years +I have always been gregarious, a lover of my kind, dependent upon +the company of friends for the very pulse of moral life. To be +marooned, to be shut up in a solitary cell, to inhabit a +lighthouse, or to camp alone in a forest, these have always +seemed to me afflictions too heavy to be borne, even in +imagination. A state in which conversation exists not, is for me +an air too empty of oxygen for my lungs to breathe it. + +Yet when I look back upon my days at boarding-school, I see +myself unattracted by any of the human beings around me. My +grown-up years are made luminous to me in memory by the ardent +faces of my friends, but I can scarce recall so much as the names +of more than two or three of my schoolfellows. There is not one +of them whose mind or whose character made any lasting impression +upon me. In later life, I have been impatient of solitude, and +afraid of it; at school, I asked for no more than to slip out of +the hurly-burly and be alone with my reflections and my fancies. +That magnetism of humanity which has been the agony of mature +years, of this I had not a trace when I was a boy. Of those +fragile loves to which most men look back with tenderness and +passion, emotions to be explained only as Montaigne explained +them, _parceque c'etait lui, parceque c'etait moi_, I knew nothing. +I, to whom friendship has since been like sunlight and like +sleep, left school unbrightened and unrefreshed by commerce with +a single friend. + +If I had been clever, I should doubtless have attracted the +jealousy of my fellows, but I was spared this by the mediocrity +of my success in the classes. One little fact I may mention, +because it exemplifies the advance in observation which has been +made in forty years. I was extremely nearsighted, and in +consequence was placed at a gross disadvantage, by being unable +to see the slate or the black-board on which our tasks were +explained. It seems almost incredible, when one reflects upon it, +but during the whole of my school life, this fact was never +commented upon or taken into account by a single person, until +the Polish lady who taught us the elements of German and French +drew someone's attention to it in my sixteenth year. I was not +quick, but I passed for being denser than I was because of the +myopic haze that enveloped me. But this is not an autobiography, +and with the cold and shrouded details of my uninteresting school +life I will not fatigue the reader. + +I was not content, however, to be the cipher that I found myself, +and when I had been at school for about a year, I 'broke out', +greatly, I think, to my own surprise, in a popular act. We had a +young usher whom we disliked. I suppose, poor half-starved +phthisic lad, that he was the most miserable of us all. He was, I +think, unfitted for the task which had been forced upon him; he +was fretful, unsympathetic, agitated. The school-house, an old +rambling place, possessed a long cellar-like room that opened +from our general corridor and was lighted by deep windows, +carefully barred, which looked into an inner garden. This vault +was devoted to us and to our play-boxes: by a tacit law, no +master entered it. One evening, just at dusk, a great number of +us were here when the bell for night-school rang, and many of us +dawdled at the summons. Mr. B., tactless in his anger, bustled in +among us, scolding in a shrill voice, and proceeded to drive us +forth. I was the latest to emerge, and as he turned away to see +if any other truant might not be hiding, I determined upon +action. With a quick movement, I drew the door behind me and +bolted it, just in time to hear the imprisoned usher scream with +vexation. We boys all trooped upstairs and it is characteristic +of my isolation that I had not one 'chum' to whom I could confide +my feat. + +That Mr. B. had been shut in became, however, almost instantly +known, and the night-class, usually so unruly, was awed by the +event into exemplary decorum. There, with no master near us, in a +silence rarely broken by a giggle or a catcall, we sat diligently +working, or pretending to work. Through my brain, as I hung over +my book a thousand new thoughts began to surge. I was the +liberator, the tyrannicide; I had freed all my fellows from the +odious oppressor. Surely, when they learned that it was I, they +would cluster round me; surely, now, I should be somebody in the +school-life, no longer a mere trotting shadow or invisible +presence. The interval seemed long; at length Mr. B. was released +by a servant, and he came up into the school-room to find us in +that ominous condition of suspense. + +At first he said nothing. He sank upon a chair in a half-fainting +attitude, while he pressed his hand to his side; his distress and +silence redoubled the boys' surprise, and filled me with +something like remorse. For the first time, I reflected that he +was human, that perhaps he suffered. He rose presently and took a +slate, upon which he wrote two questions: 'Did you do it?' 'Do +you know who did?' and these he propounded to each boy in +rotation. The prompt, redoubled 'No' in every case seemed to pile +up his despair. + +One of the last to whom he held, in silence, the trembling slate +was the perpetrator. As I saw the moment approach, an unspeakable +timidity swept over me. I reflected that no one had seen me, that +no one could accuse me. Nothing could be easier or safer than to +deny, nothing more perplexing to the enemy, nothing less perilous +for the culprit. A flood of plausible reasons invaded my brain; I +seemed to see this to be a case in which to tell the truth would +be not merely foolish, it would be wrong. Yet when the usher +stood before me, holding the slate out in his white and shaking +hand, I seized the pencil, and, ignoring the first question, I +wrote 'Yes' firmly against the second. I suppose that the +ambiguity of this action puzzled Mr. B. He pressed me to answer: +'Did you do it?' but to that I was obstinately dumb; and away I +was hurried to an empty bed-room, where for the whole of that +night and the next day I was held a prisoner, visited at +intervals by the headmaster and other inquisitorial persons, +until I was gradually persuaded to make a full confession and +apology. + +This absurd little incident had one effect, it revealed me to my +schoolfellows as an existence. From that time forth I lay no +longer under the stigma of invisibility; I had produced my +material shape and had thrown my shadow for a moment into a +legend. But, in other respects, things went on much as before. + +Curiously uninfluenced by my surroundings, I in my turn failed to +exercise influence, and my practical isolation was no less than +it had been before. It was thus that it came about that my social +memories of my boarding-school life are monotonous and vague. It +was a period during which, as it appears to me now on looking +back, the stream of my spiritual nature spread out into a shallow +pool which was almost stagnant. I was labouring to gain those +elements of conventional knowledge, which had, in many cases, up +to that time been singularly lacking. But my brain was starved, +and my intellectual perceptions were veiled. Elder persons who in +later years would speak to me frankly of my school-days assured +me that, while I had often struck them as a smart and quaint and +even interesting child, all promise seemed to fade out of me as a +schoolboy, and that those who were most inclined to be indulgent +gave up the hope that I should prove a man in a way remarkable. +This was particularly the case with the most indulgent of my +protectors, my refined and gentle stepmother. + +As this record can, however, have no value that is not based on +its rigorous adhesion to the truth, I am bound to say that the +dreariness and sterility of my school-life were more apparent +than real. I was pursuing certain lines of moral and mental +development all the time, and since my schoolmasters and my +schoolfellows combined in thinking me so dull, I will display a +tardy touch of 'proper spirit' and ask whether it may not partly +have been because they were themselves so commonplace. I think +that if some drops of sympathy, that magic dew of Paradise, had +fallen upon my desert, it might have blossomed like the rose, or, +at all events, like that chimerical flower, the Rose of Jericho. +As it was, the conventionality around me, the intellectual +drought, gave me no opportunity of outward growth. They did not +destroy, but they cooped up, and rendered slow and inefficient, +that internal life which continued, as I have said, to live on +unseen. This took the form of dreams and speculations, in the +course of which I went through many tortuous processes of the +mind, the actual aims of which were futile, although the +movements themselves were useful. If I may more minutely define +my meaning, I would say that in my schooldays, without possessing +thoughts, I yet prepared my mind for thinking, and learned how to +think. + +The great subject of my curiosity at this time was words, as +instruments of expression. I was incessant in adding to my +vocabulary, and in finding accurate and individual terms for +things. Here, too, the exercise preceded the employment, since I +was busy providing myself with words before I had any ideas to +express with them. When I read Shakespeare and came upon the +passage in which Prospero tells Caliban that he had no thoughts +until his master taught him words, I remember starting with +amazement at the poet's intuition, for such a Caliban had I been: + + I pitied thee, + Took pains to make thee speak, taught thee each hour + One thing or other, when thou didst not, savage, + Know thine own meaning, but wouldst gabble, like + A thing most brutish; I endow'd thy purposes + With words that made them know. + +For my Prosperos I sought vaguely in such books as I had access +to, and I was conscious that as the inevitable word seized hold +of me, with it out of the darkness into strong light came the +image and the idea. + +My Father possessed a copy of Bailey's 'Etymological Dictionary', a +book published early in the eighteenth century. Over this I would +pore for hours, playing with the words in a fashion which I can +no longer reconstruct, and delighting in the savour of the rich, +old-fashioned country phrases. My Father finding me thus +employed, fell to wondering at the nature of my pursuit, and I +could offer him, indeed, no very intelligible explanation of it. +He urged me to give up such idleness, and to make practical use +of language. For this purpose he conceived an exercise which he +obliged me to adopt, although it was hateful to me. He sent me +forth, it might be, up the lane to Warbury Hill and round home by +the copses; or else down one chine to the sea and along the +shingle to the next cutting in the cliff, and so back by way of +the village; and he desired me to put down, in language as full +as I could, all that I had seen in each excursion. As I have +said, this practice was detestable and irksome to me, but, as I +look back, I am inclined to believe it to have been the most +salutary, the most practical piece of training which my Father +ever gave me. It forced me to observe sharply and clearly, to +form visual impressions, to retain them in the brain, and to +clothe them in punctilious and accurate language. + +It was in my fifteenth year that I became again, this time +intelligently, acquainted with Shakespeare. I got hold of a +single play, _The Tempest_, in a school edition, prepared, I +suppose, for one of the university examinations which were then +being instituted in the provinces. This I read through and +through, not disdaining the help of the notes, and revelling in +the glossary. I studied _The Tempest_ as I had hitherto studied no +classic work, and it filled my whole being with music and +romance. This book was my own hoarded possession; the rest of +Shakespeare's works were beyond my hopes. But gradually I +contrived to borrow a volume here and a volume there. I completed +_The Merchant of Venice_, read _Cymbeline_, _Julius Caesar_ and _Much +Ado_; most of the others, I think, remained closed to me for a +long time. But these were enough to steep my horizon with all the +colours of sunrise. It was due, no doubt, to my bringing up, that +the plays never appealed to me as bounded by the exigencies of a +stage or played by actors. The images they raised in my mind were +of real people moving in the open air, and uttering, in the +natural play of life, sentiments that were clothed in the most +lovely, and yet, as it seemed to me, the most obvious and the +most inevitable language. + +It was while I was thus under the full spell of the Shakespearean +necromancy that a significant event occurred. My Father took me +up to London for the first time since my infancy. Our visit was +one of a few days only, and its purpose was that we might take +part in some enormous Evangelical conference. We stayed in a dark +hotel off the Strand, where I found the noise by day and night +very afflicting. When we were not at the conference, I spent long +hours, among crumbs and bluebottle flies, in the coffee-room of +this hotel, my Father being busy at the British Museum and the +Royal Society. The conference was held in an immense hall, +somewhere in the north of London. I remember my short-sighted +sense of the terrible vastness of the crowd, with rings on rings +of dim white faces fading in the fog. My Father, as a privileged +visitor, was obliged with seats on the platform, and we were in +the heart of the first really large assemblage of persons that I +had ever seen. + +The interminable ritual of prayers, hymns and addresses left no +impression on my memory, but my attention was suddenly stung into +life by a remark. An elderly man, fat and greasy, with a voice +like a bassoon, and an imperturbable assurance, was denouncing +the spread of infidelity, and the lukewarmness of professing +Christians, who refrained from battling with the wickedness at +their doors. They were like the Laodiceans, whom the angel of the +Apocalypse spewed out of his mouth. For instance, who, the orator +asked, is now rising to check the outburst of idolatry in our +midst? 'At this very moment,' he went on, 'there is proceeding, +unreproved, a blasphemous celebration of the birth of +Shakespeare, a lost soul now suffering for his sins in hell!' My +sensation was that of one who has suddenly been struck on the +head; stars and sparks beat around me. If some person I loved had +been grossly insulted in my presence, I could not have felt more +powerless in anguish. No one in that vast audience raised a word +of protest, and my spirits fell to their nadir. This, be it +remarked, was the earliest intimation that had reached me of the +tercentenary of the Birth at Stratford, and I had not the least +idea what could have provoked the outburst of outraged godliness. + +But Shakespeare was certainly in the air. When we returned to the +hotel that noon, my Father of his own accord reverted to the +subject. I held my breath, prepared to endure fresh torment. What +he said, however, surprised and relieved me. 'Brother So and So,' +he remarked, 'was not, in my judgement, justified in saying what +he did. The uncovenanted mercies of God are not revealed to us. +Before so rashly speaking of Shakespeare as "a lost soul in +hell", he should have remembered how little we know of the poet's +history. The light of salvation was widely disseminated in the +land during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, and we cannot know that +Shakespeare did not accept the atonement of Christ in simple +faith before he came to die.' The concession will today seem +meagre to gay and worldly spirits, but words cannot express how +comfortable it was to me. I gazed at my Father with loving eyes +across the cheese and celery, and if the waiter had not been +present I believe I might have hugged him in my arms. + +This anecdote may serve to illustrate the attitude of my +conscience, at this time, with regard to theology. I was not +consciously in any revolt against the strict faith in which I had +been brought up, but I could not fail to be aware of the fact +that literature tempted me to stray up innumerable paths which +meandered in directions at right angles to that direct strait way +which leadeth to salvation. I fancied, if I may pursue the image, +that I was still safe up these pleasant lanes if I did not stray +far enough to lose sight of the main road. If, for instance, it +had been quite certain that Shakespeare had been irrecoverably +damnable and damned, it would scarcely have been possible for me +to have justified myself in going on reading _Cymbeline_. One who +broke bread with the Saints every Sunday morning, who 'took a +class' at Sunday school, who made, as my Father loved to remind +me, a public weekly confession of his willingness to bear the +Cross of Christ, such an one could hardly, however bewildering +and torturing the thought, continue to admire a lost soul. But +that happy possibility of an ultimate repentance, how it eased +me! I could always console myself with the belief that when +Shakespeare wrote any passage of intoxicating beauty, it was just +then that he was beginning to breathe the rapture that faith in +Christ brings to the anointed soul. And it was with a like +casuistry that I condoned my other intellectual and personal +pleasures. + +My Father continued to be under the impression that my boarding- +school, which he never again visited after originally leaving me +there, was conducted upon the same principles as his own +household. I was frequently tempted to enlighten him, but I never +found the courage to do so. As a matter of fact the piety of the +establishment, which collected to it the sons of a large number +of evangelically minded parents throughout that part of the +country, resided mainly in the prospectus. It proceeded no +further than the practice of reading the Bible aloud, each boy in +successive order one verse, in the early morning before +breakfast. There was no selection and no exposition; where the +last boy sat, there the day's reading ended, even if it were in +the middle of a sentence, and there it began next morning. + +Such reading of 'the chapter' was followed by a long dry prayer. +I do not know that this morning service would appear more +perfunctory than usual to other boys, but it astounded and +disgusted me, accustomed as I was to the ministrations at home, +where my Father read 'the word of God' in a loud passionate +voice, with dramatic emphasis, pausing for commentary and +paraphrase, and treating every phrase as if it were part of a +personal message or of thrilling family history. At school, +'morning prayer' was a dreary, unintelligible exercise, and with +this piece of mumbo-jumbo, religion for the day began and ended. +The discretion of little boys is extraordinary. I am quite +certain no one of us ever revealed this fact to our godly parents +at home. + +If any one was to do this, it was of course I who should first of +all have 'testified'. But I had grown cautious about making +confidences. One never knew how awkwardly they might develop or +to what disturbing excesses of zeal they might precipitously +lead. I was on my guard against my Father, who was, all the time, +only too openly yearning that I should approach him for help, for +comfort, for ghostly counsel. Still 'delicate', though steadily +gaining in solidity of constitution, I was liable to severe +chills and to fugitive neuralgic pangs. My Father was, almost +maddeningly, desirous that these afflictions should be sanctified +to me, and it was in my bed, often when I was much bowed in +spirit by indisposition, that he used to triumph over me most +pitilessly. He retained the singular superstition, amazing in a +man of scientific knowledge and long human experience, that all +pains and ailments were directly sent by the Lord in chastisement +for some definite fault, and not in relation to any physical +cause. The result was sometimes quite startling, and in +particular I recollect that my stepmother and I exchanged +impressions of astonishment at my Father's action when Mrs. +Goodyer, who was one of the 'Saints' and the wife of a young +journeyman cobbler, broke her leg. My Father, puzzled for an +instant as to the meaning of this accident, since Mrs. Goodyer +was the gentlest and most inoffensive of our church members, +decided that it must be because she had made an idol of her +husband, and he reduced the poor thing to tears by standing at +her bed-side and imploring the Holy Spirit to bring this sin home +to her conscience. + +When, therefore, I was ill at home with one of my trifling +disorders, the problem of my spiritual state always pressed +violently upon my Father, and this caused me no little mental +uneasiness. He would appear at my bedside, with solemn +solicitude, and sinking on his knees would earnestly pray aloud +that the purpose of the Lord in sending me this affliction might +graciously be made plain to me; and then, rising, and standing by +my pillow, he would put me through a searching spiritual inquiry +as to the fault which was thus divinely indicated to me as +observed and reprobated on high. + +It was not on points of moral behaviour that he thus cross- +examined me; I think he disdained such ignoble game as that. But +uncertainties of doctrine, relinquishment of faith in the purity +of this dogma or of that, lukewarm zeal in 'taking up the cross +of Christ', growth of intellectual pride,--such were the +insidious offences in consequence of which, as he supposed, the +cold in the head or the toothache had been sent as heavenly +messengers to recall my straggling conscience to its plain path +of duty. + +What made me very uncomfortable on these occasions was my +consciousness that confinement to bed was hardly an affliction at +all. It kept me from the boredom of school, in a fire-lit bedroom +at home, with my pretty, smiling stepmother lavishing luxurious +attendance upon me, and it gave me long, unbroken days for +reading. I was awkwardly aware that I simply had not the +effrontery to 'approach the Throne of Grace' with a request to +know for what sin I was condemned to such a very pleasant +disposition of my hours. + +The current of my life ran, during my schooldays, most merrily +and fully in the holidays, when I resumed my outdoor exercises +with those friends in the village of whom I have spoken earlier. +I think they were more refined and better bred than any of my +schoolfellows, at all events it was among these homely companions +alone that I continued to form congenial and sympathetic +relations. In one of these boys,--one of whom I have heard or +seen nothing now for nearly a generation,--I found tastes +singularly parallel to my own, and we scoured the horizon in +search of books in prose and verse, but particularly in verse. + +As I grew stronger in muscle, I was capable of adding +considerably to my income by an exercise of my legs. I was +allowed money for the railway ticket between the town where the +school lay and the station nearest to my home. But, if I chose to +walk six or seven miles along the coast, thus more than halving +the distance by rail from school house to home, I might spend as +pocket money the railway fare I thus saved. Such considerable +sums I fostered in order to buy with them editions of the poets. +These were not in those days, as they are now, at the beck and +call of every purse, and the attainment of each little +masterpiece was a separate triumph. In particular I shall never +forget the excitement of reaching at length the exorbitant price +the bookseller asked for the only, although imperfect, edition of +the poems of S. T. Coleridge. At last I could meet his demand, +and my friend and I went down to consummate the solemn purchase. +Coming away with our treasure, we read aloud from the orange +coloured volume, in turns, as we strolled along, until at last we +sat down on the bulging root of an elm tree in a secluded lane. +Here we stayed, in a sort of poetical nirvana, reading, reading, +forgetting the passage of time, until the hour of our neglected +mid-day meal was a long while past, and we had to hurry home to +bread and cheese and a scolding. + +There was occasionally some trouble about my reading, but now not +much nor often. I was rather adroit, and careful not to bring +prominently into sight anything of a literary kind which could +become a stone of stumbling. But, when I was nearly sixteen, I +made a purchase which brought me into sad trouble, and was the +cause of a permanent wound to my self-respect. I had long coveted +in the bookshop window a volume in which the poetical works of +Ben Jonson and Christopher Marlowe were said to be combined. This +I bought at length, and I carried it with me to devour as I trod +the desolate road that brought me along the edge of the cliff on +Saturday afternoons. Of Ben Jonson I could make nothing, but when +I turned to 'Hero and Leander', I was lifted to a heaven of +passion and music. It was a marvellous revelation of romantic +beauty to me, and as I paced along that lonely and exquisite +highway, with its immense command of the sea, and its peeps every +now and then, through slanting thickets, far down to the snow- +white shingle, I lifted up my voice, singing the verses, as I +strolled along: + + Buskins of shells, all silver'd, used she, + And branch'd with blushing coral to the knee, + Where sparrows perched, of hollow pearl and gold, + Such as the world would wonder to behold,-- + +so it went on, and I thought I had never read anything so +lovely,-- + + Amorous Leander, beautiful and young, + Whose tragedy divine Musaeus sung,-- + +it all seemed to my fancy intoxicating beyond anything I had ever +even dreamed of, since I had not yet become acquainted with any +of the modern romanticists. + +When I reached home, tired out with enthusiasm and exercise, I +must needs, so soon as I had eaten, search out my stepmother that +she might be a partner in my joys. It is remarkable to me now, +and a disconcerting proof of my still almost infantile innocence, +that, having induced her to settle to her knitting, I began, +without hesitation, to read Marlowe's voluptuous poem aloud to +that blameless Christian gentlewoman. We got on very well in the +opening, but at the episode of Cupid's pining, my stepmother's +needles began nervously to clash, and when we launched on the +description of Leander's person, she interrupted me by saying, +rather sharply, 'Give me that book, please, I should like to read +the rest to myself.' I resigned the reading in amazement, and was +stupefied to see her take the volume, shut it with a snap and +hide it under her needlework. Nor could I extract from her +another word on the subject. + +The matter passed from my mind, and I was therefore extremely +alarmed when, soon after my going to bed that night, my Father +came into my room with a pale face and burning eyes, the prey of +violent perturbation. He set down the candle and stood by the +bed, and it was some time before he could resolve on a form of +speech. Then he denounced me, in unmeasured terms, for bringing +into the house, for possessing at all or reading, so abominable a +book. He explained that my stepmother had shown it to him, and +that he had looked through it, and had burned it. + +The sentence in his tirade which principally affected me was +this. He said, 'You will soon be leaving us, and going up to +lodgings in London, and if your landlady should come into your +room, and find such a book lying about, she would immediately set +you down as a profligate.' I did not understand this at all, and +it seems to me now that the fact that I had so very simply and +childishly volunteered to read the verses to my stepmother should +have proved to my Father that I connected it with no ideas of an +immoral nature. + +I was greatly wounded and offended, but my indignation was +smothered up in the alarm and excitement which followed the news +that I was to go up to live in lodgings, and, as it was evident, +alone, in London. Of this no hint or whisper had previously +reached me. On reflection, I can but admit that my Father, who +was little accustomed to seventeenth-century literature, must +have come across some startling exposures in Ben Jonson, and +probably never reached 'Hero and Leander' at all. The artistic +effect of such poetry on an innocently pagan mind did not come +within the circle of his experience. He judged the outspoken +Elizabethan poets, no doubt, very much in the spirit of the +problematical landlady. + +Of the world outside, of the dim wild whirlpool of London, I was +much afraid, but I was now ready to be willing to leave the +narrow Devonshire circle, to see the last of the red mud, of the +dreary village street, of the plethoric elders, to hear the last +of the drawling voices of the 'Saints'. Yet I had a great +difficulty in persuading myself that I could ever be happy away +from home, and again I compared my lot with that of one of the +speckled soldier-crabs that roamed about in my Father's aquarium, +dragging after them great whorl-shells. They, if by chance they +were turned out of their whelk-habitations, trailed about a pale +soft body in search of another house, visibly broken-hearted and +the victims of every ignominious accident. + +My spirits were divided pathetically between the wish to stay on, +a guarded child, and to proceed into the world, a budding man, +and, in my utter ignorance, I sought in vain to conjure up what +my immediate future would be. My Father threw no light upon the +subject, for he had not formed any definite idea of what I could +possibly do to earn an honest living. As a matter of fact I was +to stay another year at school and home. + +This last year of my boyish life passed rapidly and pleasantly. +My sluggish brain waked up at last and I was able to study with +application. In the public examinations I did pretty well, and +may even have been thought something of a credit to the school. +Yet I formed no close associations, and I even contrived to +avoid, as I had afterwards occasion to regret, such lessons as +were distasteful to me, and therefore particularly valuable. But +I read with unchecked voracity, and in several curious +directions. Shakespeare now passed into my possession entire, in +the shape of a reprint more hideous and more offensive to the +eyesight than would in these days appear conceivable. I made +acquaintance with Keats, who entirely captivated me; with +Shelley, whose 'Queen Mab' at first repelled me from the +threshold of his edifice; and with Wordsworth, for the exercise +of whose magic I was still far too young. My Father presented me +with the entire bulk of Southey's stony verse, which I found it +impossible to penetrate, but my stepmother lent me _The Golden +Treasury_, in which almost everything seemed exquisite. + +Upon this extension of my intellectual powers, however, there did +not follow any spirit of doubt or hostility to the faith. On the +contrary, at first there came a considerable quickening of +fervour. My prayers became less frigid and mechanical; I no +longer avoided as far as possible the contemplation of religious +ideas; I began to search the Scriptures for myself with interest +and sympathy, if scarcely with ardour. I began to perceive, +without animosity, the strange narrowness of my Father's system, +which seemed to take into consideration only a selected circle of +persons, a group of disciples peculiarly illuminated, and to have +no message whatever for the wider Christian community. + +On this subject I had some instructive conversations with my +Father, whom I found not reluctant to have his convictions pushed +to their logical extremity. He did not wish to judge, he +protested; but he could not admit that a single Unitarian (or +'Socinian', as he preferred to say) could possibly be redeemed; +and he had no hope of eternal salvation for the inhabitants of +Catholic countries. I recollect his speaking of Austria. He +questioned whether a single Austrian subject, except, as he said, +here and there a pious and extremely ignorant individual, who had +not comprehended the errors of the Papacy, but had humbly studied +his Bible, could hope to find eternal life. He thought that the +ordinary Chinaman or savage native of Fiji had a better chance of +salvation than any cardinal in the Vatican. And even in the +priesthood of the Church of England he believed that while many +were called, few indeed would be found to have been chosen. + +I could not sympathize, even in my then state of ignorance, with +so rigid a conception of the Divine mercy. Little inclined as I +was to be sceptical, I still thought it impossible, that a secret +of such stupendous importance should have been entrusted to a +little group of Plymouth Brethren, and have been hidden from +millions of disinterested and pious theologians. That the leaders +of European Christianity were sincere, my Father did not attempt +to question. But they were all of them wrong, _incorrect_; and no +matter how holy their lives, how self-sacrificing their actions, +they would have to suffer for their inexactitude through aeons of +undefined torment. He would speak with a solemn complacency of +the aged nun, who, after a long life of renunciation and +devotion, died at last, 'only to discover her mistake'. + +He who was so tender-hearted that he could not bear to witness +the pain or distress of any person, however disagreeable or +undeserving, was quite acquiescent in believing that God would +punish human beings, in millions, for ever, for a purely +intellectual error of comprehension. My Father's inconsistencies +of perception seem to me to have been the result of a curious +irregularity of equipment. Taking for granted, as he did, the +absolute integrity of the Scriptures, and applying to them his +trained scientific spirit, he contrived to stifle, with a +deplorable success, alike the function of the imagination, the +sense of moral justice, and his own deep and instinctive +tenderness of heart. + +There presently came over me a strong desire to know what +doctrine indeed it was that the other Churches taught. I +expressed a wish to be made aware of the practices of Rome, or at +least of Canterbury, and I longed to attend the Anglican and the +Roman services. But to do so was impossible. My Father did not, +indeed, forbid me to enter the fine parish church of our village, +or the stately Puginesque cathedral which Rome had just erected +at its side, but I knew that I could not be seen at either +service without his immediately knowing it, or without his being +deeply wounded. Although I was sixteen years of age, and although +I was treated with indulgence and affection, I was still but a +bird fluttering in the net-work of my Father's will, and +incapable of the smallest independent action. I resigned all +thought of attending any other services than those at our 'Room', +but I did no longer regard this exclusion as a final one. I +bowed, but it was in the house of Rimmon, from which I now knew +that I must inevitably escape. All the liberation, however, which +I desired or dreamed of was only just so much as would bring me +into communion with the outer world of Christianity without +divesting me of the pure and simple principles of faith. + +Of so much emancipation, indeed, I now became ardently desirous, +and in the contemplation of it I rose to a more considerable +degree of religious fervour than I had ever reached before or was +ever to experience later. Our thoughts were at this time +abundantly exercised with the expectation of the immediate coming +of the Lord, who, as my Father and those who thought with him +believed, would suddenly appear, without the least warning, and +would catch up to be with Him in everlasting glory all whom +acceptance of the Atonement had sealed for immortality. These +were, on the whole, not numerous, and our belief was that the +world, after a few days' amazement at the total disappearance of +these persons, would revert to its customary habits of life, +merely sinking more rapidly into a moral corruption due to the +removal of these souls of salt. This event an examination of +prophecy had led my Father to regard as absolutely imminent, and +sometimes, when we parted for the night, he would say with a +sparkling rapture in his eyes, 'Who knows? We may meet next in +the air, with all the cohorts of God's saints!' + +This conviction I shared, without a doubt; and, indeed,--in +perfect innocency, I hope, but perhaps with a touch of slyness +too,--I proposed at the end of the summer holidays that I should +stay at home. 'What is the use of my going to school? Let me be +with you when we rise to meet the Lord in the air!' To this my +Father sharply and firmly replied that it was our duty to carry +on our usual avocations to the last, for we knew not the moment +of His coming, and we should be together in an instant on that +day, how far soever we might be parted upon earth. I was ashamed, +but his argument was logical, and, as it proved, judicious. My +Father lived for nearly a quarter of a century more, never losing +the hope of 'not tasting death', and as the last moments of +mortality approached, he was bitterly disappointed at what he +held to be a scanty reward of his long faith and patience. But if +my own life's work had been, as I proposed, shelved in +expectation of the Lord's imminent advent, I should have cumbered +the ground until this day. + +To school, therefore, I returned with a brain full of strange +discords, in a huddled mixture of 'Endymion' and the Book of +Revelation, John Wesley's hymns and 'Midsummer Night's Dream'. +Few boys of my age, I suppose, carried about with them such a +confused throng of immature impressions and contradictory hopes. +I was at one moment devoutly pious, at the next haunted by +visions of material beauty and longing for sensuous impressions. +In my hot and silly brain, Jesus and Pan held sway together, as +in a wayside chapel discordantly and impishly consecrated to +Pagan and to Christian rites. But for the present, as in the +great chorus which so marvellously portrays our double nature, +'the folding-star of Bethlehem' was still dominant. I became more +and more pietistic. Beginning now to versify, I wrote a tragedy +in pale imitation of Shakespeare, but on a Biblical and +evangelistic subject; and odes that were parodies of those in +'Prometheus Unbound', but dealt with the approaching advent of +our Lord and the rapture of His saints. My unwholesome +excitement, bubbling up in this violent way, reached at last a +climax and foamed over. + +It was a summer afternoon, and, being now left very free in my +movements, I had escaped from going out with the rest of my +schoolfellows in their formal walk in charge of an usher. I had +been reading a good deal of poetry, but my heart had translated +Apollo and Bacchus into terms of exalted Christian faith. I was +alone, and I lay on a sofa, drawn across a large open window at +the top of the school-house, in a room which was used as a study +by the boys who were 'going up for examination'. I gazed down on +a labyrinth of garden sloping to the sea, which twinkled faintly +beyond the towers of the town. Each of these gardens held a villa +in it, but all the near landscape below me was drowned in +foliage. A wonderful warm light of approaching sunset modelled +the shadows and set the broad summits of the trees in a rich +glow. There was an absolute silence below and around me; a magic +of suspense seemed to keep every topmost twig from waving. + +Over my soul there swept an immense wave of emotion. Now, surely, +now the great final change must be approaching. I gazed up into +the tenderly-coloured sky, and I broke irresistibly into speech. +'Come now, Lord Jesus,' I cried, 'come now and take me to be for +ever with Thee in Thy Paradise. I am ready to come. My heart is +purged from sin, there is nothing that keeps me rooted to this +wicked world. Oh, come now, now, and take me before I have known +the temptations of life, before I have to go to London and all +the dreadful things that happen there!' And I raised myself on +the sofa, and leaned upon the window-sill, and waited for the +glorious apparition. + +This was the highest moment of my religious life, the apex of my +striving after holiness. I waited awhile, watching; and then I +felt a faint shame at the theatrical attitude I had adopted, +although I was alone. Still I gazed and still I hoped. Then a +little breeze sprang up and the branches danced. Sounds began to +rise from the road beneath me. Presently the colour deepened, the +evening came on. From far below there rose to me the chatter of +the boys returning home. The tea-bell rang,--last word of prose +to shatter my mystical poetry. 'The Lord has not come, the Lord +will never come,' I muttered, and in my heart the artificial +edifice of extravagant faith began to totter and crumble. From +that moment forth my Father and I, though the fact was long +successfully concealed from him and even from myself, walked in +opposite hemispheres of the soul, with 'the thick o' the world +between us'. + +EPILOGUE + +THIS narrative, however, must not be allowed to close with the +Son in the foreground of the piece. If it has a value, that value +consists in what light it may contrive to throw upon the unique +and noble figure of the Father. With the advance of years, the +characteristics of this figure became more severely outlined, +more rigorously confined within settled limits. In relation to +the Son--who presently departed, at a very immature age, for the +new life in London--the attitude of the Father continued to be +one of extreme solicitude, deepening by degrees into +disappointment and disenchantment. He abated no jot or tittle of +his demands upon human frailty. He kept the spiritual cord drawn +tight; the Biblical bearing-rein was incessantly busy, jerking +into position the head of the dejected neophyte. That young soul, +removed from the Father's personal inspection, began to blossom +forth crudely and irregularly enough, into new provinces of +thought, through fresh layers of experience. To the painful +mentor at home in the West, the centre of anxiety was still the +meek and docile heart, dedicated to the Lord's service, which +must, at all hazards and with all defiance of the rules of life, +be kept unspotted from the world. + +The torment of a postal inquisition began directly I was settled +in my London lodgings. To my Father--with his ample leisure, his +palpitating apprehension, his ready pen--the flow of +correspondence offered no trouble at all; it was a grave but +gratifying occupation. To me the almost daily letter of +exhortation, with its string of questions about conduct, its +series of warnings, grew to be a burden which could hardly be +borne, particularly because it involved a reply as punctual and +if possible as full as itself. At the age of seventeen, the +metaphysics of the soul are shadowy, and it is a dreadful thing +to be forced to define the exact outline of what is so undulating +and so shapeless. To my Father there seemed no reason why I +should hesitate to give answers of full metallic ring to his hard +and oft-repeated questions; but to me this correspondence was +torture. When I feebly expostulated, when I begged to be left a +little to myself, these appeals of mine automatically stimulated, +and indeed blew up into fierce flames, the ardour of my Father's +alarm. + +The letter, the only too-confidently expected letter, would lie +on the table as I descended to breakfast. It would commonly be, +of course, my only letter, unless tempered by a cosy and chatty +note from my dear and comfortable stepmother, dealing with such +perfectly tranquillizing subjects as the harvest of roses in the +garden or the state of health of various neighbours. But the +other, the solitary letter, in its threatening whiteness, with +its exquisitely penned address--there it would lie awaiting me, +destroying the taste of the bacon, reducing the flavour of the +tea to insipidity. I might fatuously dally with it, I might +pretend not to observe it, but there it lay. Before the morning's +exercise began, I knew that it had to be read, and what was +worse, that it had to be answered. Useless the effort to conceal +from myself what it contained. Like all its precursors, like all +its followers, it would insist, with every variety of appeal, on +a reiterated declaration that I still fully intended, as in the +days of my earliest childhood, 'to be on the Lord's side' in +everything. + +In my replies, I would sometimes answer precisely as I was +desired to answer; sometimes I would evade the queries, and write +about other things; sometimes I would turn upon the tormentor, +and urge that my tender youth might be let alone. It little +mattered what form of weakness I put forth by way of baffling my +Father's direct, firm, unflinching strength. To an appeal against +the bondage of a correspondence of such unbroken solemnity I +would receive--with what a paralysing promptitude!--such a reply +as this:-- + +'Let me say that the 'solemnity' you complain of has only been the +expression of tender anxiousness of a father's heart, that his +only child, just turned out upon the world, and very far out of +his sight and hearing, should be walking in God's way. Recollect +that it is not now as it was when you were at school, when we had +personal communication with you at intervals of five days--we +now know absolutely nothing of you, save from your letters, and +if they do not indicate your spiritual prosperity, the deepest +solicitudes of our hearts have nothing to feed on. But I will try +henceforth to trust you, and lay aside my fears; for you are +worthy of my confidence; and your own God and your father's God +will hold you with His right hand.' + +Over such letters as these I am not ashamed to say that I +sometimes wept; the old paper I have just been copying shows +traces of tears shed upon it more than forty years ago, tears +commingled of despair at my own feebleness, distraction, at my +want of will, pity for my Father's manifest and pathetic +distress. He would 'try henceforth to trust' me, he said. Alas! +the effort would be in vain; after a day or two, after a hollow +attempt to write of other things, the importunate subject would +recur; there would intrude again the inevitable questions about +the Atonement and the Means of Grace, the old anxious fears lest +I was 'yielding' my intimacy to agreeable companions who were not +'one with me in Christ', fresh passionate entreaties to be +assured, in every letter, that I was walking in the clear light +of God's presence. + +It seems to me now profoundly strange, although I knew too little +of the world to remark it at the time, that these incessant +exhortations dealt, not with conduct, but with faith. Earlier in +this narrative I have noted how disdainfully, with what an +austere pride, my Father refused to entertain the subject of +personal shortcomings in my behaviour. There were enough of them +to blame, Heaven knows, but he was too lofty-minded a gentleman +to dwell upon them, and, though by nature deeply suspicious of +the possibility of frequent moral lapses, even in the very elect, +he refused to stoop to anything like espionage. + +I owe him a deep debt of gratitude for his beautiful faith in me +in this respect, and now that I was alone in London, at this +tender time of life, 'exposed', as they say, to all sorts of +dangers, as defenceless as a fledgling that has been turned out +of its nest, yet my Father did not, in his uplifted Quixotism, +allow himself to fancy me guilty of any moral misbehaviour, but +concentrated his fears entirely upon my faith. + +'Let me know more of your inner light. Does the candle of the +Lord shine on your soul?' This would be the ceaseless inquiry. +Or, again, 'Do you get any spiritual companionship with young +men? You passed over last Sunday without even a word, yet this +day is the most interesting to me in your whole week. Do you find +the ministry of the Word pleasant, and, above all, profitable? +Does it bring your soul into exercise before God? The Coming of +Christ draweth nigh. Watch, therefore and pray always, that you +may be counted worthy to stand before the Son of Man.' + +If I quote such passages as this from my Father's letters to me, +it is not that I seek entertainment in a contrast between his +earnestness and the casuistical inattention and provoked +distractedness of a young man to whom the real world now offered +its irritating and stimulating scenes of animal and intellectual +life, but to call out sympathy, and perhaps wonder, at the +spectacle of so blind a Roman firmness as my Father's spiritual +attitude displayed. + +His aspirations were individual and metaphysical. At the present +hour, so complete is the revolution which has overturned the +puritanism of which he was perhaps the latest surviving type, +that all classes of religious persons combine in placing +philanthropic activity, the objective attitude, in the +foreground. It is extraordinary how far-reaching the change has +been, so that nowadays a religion which does not combine with its +subjective faith a strenuous labour for the good of others is +hardly held to possess any religious principle worth proclaiming. + +This propaganda of beneficence, this constant attention to the +moral and physical improvement of persons who have been +neglected, is quite recent as a leading feature of religion, +though indeed it seems to have formed some part of the Saviour's +original design. It was unknown to the great preachers of the +seventeenth century, whether Catholic or Protestant, and it +offered but a shadowy attraction to my Father, who was the last +of their disciples. When Bossuet desired his hearers to listen to +the _cri de misere l'entour de nous, qui devrait nous fondre le +coeur_, he started a new thing in the world of theology. We may +search the famous 'Rule and Exercises of Holy Living' from cover +to cover, and not learn that Jeremy Taylor would have thought +that any activity of the district-visitor or the Salvation lassie +came within the category of saintliness. + +My Father, then, like an old divine, concentrated on thoughts +upon the intellectual part of faith. In his obsession about me, +he believed that if my brain could be kept unaffected by any of +the seductive errors of the age, and my heart centred in the +adoring love of God, all would be well with me in perpetuity. He +was still convinced that by intensely directing my thoughts, he +could compel them to flow in a certain channel, since he had not +begun to learn the lesson, so mournful for saintly men of his +complexion, that 'virtue would not be virtue, could it be given +by one fellow creature to another'. He had recognized, with +reluctance, that holiness was not hereditary, but he continued to +hope that it might be compulsive. I was still 'the child of many +prayers', and it was not to be conceded that these prayers could +remain unanswered. + +The great panacea was now, as always, the study of the Bible, and +this my Father never ceased to urge upon me. He presented to me a +copy of Dean Alford's edition of the Greek New Testament, in four +great volumes, and these he had had so magnificently bound in +full morocco that the work shone on my poor shelf of sixpenny +poets like a duchess among dairy maids. He extracted from me a +written promise that I would translate and meditate upon a +portion of the Greek text every morning before I started for +business. This promise I presently failed to keep, my good +intentions being undermined by an invincible _ennui_; I concealed +the dereliction from him, and the sense that I was deceiving my +Father ate into my conscience like a canker. But the dilemma was +now before me that I must either deceive my Father in such things +or paralyse my own character. + +My growing distaste for the Holy Scriptures began to occupy my +thoughts, and to surprise as much as it scandalized me. My desire +was to continue to delight in those sacred pages, for which I +still had an instinctive veneration. Yet I could not but observe +the difference between the zeal with which I snatched at a volume +of Carlyle or Ruskin--since these magicians were now first +revealing themselves to me--and the increasing languor with which +I took up Alford for my daily 'passage'. Of course, although I +did not know it, and believed my reluctance to be sinful, the +real reason why I now found the Bible so difficult to read was my +familiarity with its contents. These had the colourless triteness +of a story retold a hundred times. I longed for something new, +something that would gratify curiosity and excite surprise. +Whether the facts and doctrines contained in the Bible were true +or false was not the question that appealed to me; it was rather +that they had been presented to me so often and had sunken into +me so far that, as someone has said, they 'lay bedridden in the +dormitory of the soul', and made no impression of any kind upon +me. + +It often amazed me, and I am still unable to understand the fact, +that my Father, through his long life--or until nearly the close +of it--continued to take an eager pleasure in the text of the +Bible. As I think I have already said, before he reached middle +life, he had committed practically the whole of it to memory, and +if started anywhere, even in a Minor Prophet, he could go on +without a break as long as ever he was inclined for that +exercise. He, therefore, at no time can have been assailed by the +satiety of which I have spoken, and that it came so soon to me I +must take simply as an indication of difference of temperament. +It was not possible, even through the dark glass of +correspondence, to deceive his eagle eye in this matter, and his +suspicions accordingly took another turn. He conceived me to have +become, or to be becoming, a victim of 'the infidelity of the +age.' + +In this new difficulty, he appealed to forms of modern literature +by the side of which the least attractive pages of Leviticus or +Deuteronomy struck me as even thrilling. In particular, he urged +upon me a work, then just published, called _The Continuity of +Scripture_ by William Page Wood, afterwards Lord Chancellor +Hatherley. I do not know why he supposed that the lucubrations of +an exemplary lawyer, delivered in a style that was like the +trickling of sawdust, would succeed in rousing emotions which the +glorious rhetoric of the Orient had failed to awaken; but Page +Wood had been a Sunday School teacher for thirty years, and my +Father was always unduly impressed by the acumen of pious +barristers. + +As time went on, and I grew older and more independent in mind, +my Father's anxiety about what he called 'the pitfalls and snares +which surround on every hand the thoughtless giddy youth of +London' became extremely painful to himself. By harping in +private upon these 'pitfalls'--which brought to my imagination a +funny rough woodcut in an old edition of Bunyan, where a devil +was seen capering over a sort of box let neatly into the ground-- +he worked himself up into a frame of mind which was not a little +irritating to his hapless correspondent, who was now 'snared' +indeed, limed by the pen like a bird by the feet, and could not +by any means escape. To a peck or a flutter from the bird the +implacable fowler would reply: + +'You charge me with being suspicious, and I fear I cannot deny the +charge. But I can appeal to your own sensitive and thoughtful +mind for a considerable allowance. My deep and tender love for +you; your youth and inexperience; the examples of other young +men; your distance from parental counsel; our absolute and +painful ignorance of all the details of your daily life, except +what you yourself tell us:--try to throw yourself into the +standing of a parent, and say if my suspiciousness is +unreasonable. I rejoicingly acknowledge that from all I see you +are pursuing a virtuous, steady, worthy course. One good thing my +suspiciousness does:--ever and anon it brings out from you +assurances, which greatly refresh and comfort me. And again, it +carries me ever to God's Throne of Grace on your behalf Holy Job +suspected that his sons might have sinned, and cursed God in +their heart. Was not his suspicion much like mine, grounded on +the same reasons and productive of the same results? For it drove +him to God in intercession. I have adduced the example of this +Patriarch before, and he will endure being looked at again.' + +In fact, Holy Job continued to be frequently looked at, and for +this Patriarch I came to experience a hatred which was as +venomous as it was undeserved. But what youth of eighteen would +willingly be compared with the sons of Job? And indeed, for my +part, I felt much more like that justly exasperated character, +Elihu the Buzite, of the kindred of Ram. + +As time went on, the peculiar strain of inquisition was relaxed, +and I endured fewer and fewer of the torments of religious +correspondence. Nothing abides in one tense projection, and my +Father, resolute as he was, had other preoccupations. His +orchids, his microscope, his physiological researches, his +interpretations of prophecy, filled up the hours of his active +and strenuous life, and, out of his sight, I became not indeed +out of his mind, but no longer ceaselessly in the painful +foreground of it. Yet, although the reiteration of his anxiety +might weary him a little as it had wearied me well nigh to groans +of despair, there was not the slightest change in his real +attitude towards the subject or towards me. + +I have already had occasion to say that he had nothing of the +mystic or the visionary about him. At certain times and on +certain points, he greatly desired that signs and wonders, such +as had astonished and encouraged the infancy of the Christian +Church, might again be vouchsafed to it, but he did not pretend +to see such miracles himself, nor give the slightest credence to +others who asserted that they did. He often congratulated himself +on the fact that although his mind dwelt so constantly on +spiritual matters it was never betrayed into any suspension of +the rational functions. + +Cross-examination by letter slackened, but on occasion of my +brief and usually summer visits to Devonshire I suffered acutely +from my Father's dialectical appetites. He was surrounded by +peasants, on whom the teeth of his arguments could find no +purchase. To him, in that intellectual Abdera, even an unwilling +youth from London offered opportunities of pleasant contest. He +would declare himself ready, nay eager, for argument. With his +mental sleeves turned up, he would adopt a fighting attitude, and +challenge me to a round on any portion of the Scheme of Grace. +His alacrity was dreadful to me, his well-aimed blows fell on +what was rather a bladder or a pillow than a vivid antagonist. + +He was, indeed, most unfairly handicapped,--I was naked, he in a +suit of chain armour,--for he had adopted a method which I +thought, and must still think, exceedingly unfair. He assumed +that he had private knowledge of the Divine Will, and he would +meet my temporizing arguments by asseverations,--'So sure as my +God liveth!' or by appeals to a higher authority,--'But what does +_my_ Lord tell me in Paul's Letter to the Philippians?' It was the +prerogative of his faith to know, and of his character to +overpower objection; between these two millstones I was rapidly +ground to powder. + +These 'discussions', as they were rather ironically called, +invariably ended for me in disaster. I was driven out of my +_papier-mache_ fastnesses, my canvas walls rocked at the first peal +from my Father's clarion, and the foe pursued me across the +plains of Jericho until I lay down ignominiously and covered my +face. I seemed to be pushed with horns of iron, such as those +which Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah prepared for the +encouragement of Ahab. + +When I acknowledged defeat and cried for quarter, my Father would +become radiant, and I still seem to hear the sound of his full +voice, so thrilling, so warm, so painful to my over-strained +nerves, bursting forth in a sort of benediction at the end of +each of these one-sided contentions, with 'I bow my knees unto +the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, that He would grant you, +according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with +might by His Spirit in the inner man; that Christ may dwell in +your heart by faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, +may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, +and length, and depth, and height, and to know the love of Christ +which passeth knowledge, that you might be filled with the +fullness of God.' + +Thus solemn and thus ceremonious was my Father apt to become, +without a moment's warning, on plain and domestic occasions; +abruptly brimming over with emotion like a basin which an unseen +flow of water has filled and over-filled. + +I earnestly desire that no trace of that absurd self-pity which +is apt to taint recollections of this nature should give falsity +to mine. My Father, let me say once more, had other interests +than those of his religion. In particular, at this time, he took +to painting in water-colours in the open air, and he resumed the +assiduous study of botany. He was no fanatical monomaniac. +Nevertheless, there was, in everything he did and said, the +central purpose present. He acknowledged it plainly; 'with me,' +he confessed, 'every question assumes a Divine standpoint and is +not adequately answered if the judgement-seat of Christ is not +kept in sight.' + +This was maintained whether the subject under discussion was +poetry, or society, or the Prussian war with Austria, or the +stamen of a wild flower. Once, at least, he was himself conscious +of the fatiguing effect on my temper of this insistency, for, +raising his great brown eyes with a flash of laughter in them, he +closed the Bible suddenly after a very lengthy disquisition, and +quoted his Virgil to startling effect:-- + + Claudite jam rivos, pueri: Sat prata biberunt. + +The insistency of his religious conversation was, probably, the +less incomprehensible to me on account of the evangelical +training to which I had been so systematically subjected. It was, +however, none the less intolerably irksome, and would have been +exasperating, I believe, even to a nature in which a powerful and +genuine piety was inherent. To my own, in which a feeble and +imitative faith was expiring, it was deeply vexatious. It led, +alas! to a great deal of bowing in the house of Rimmon, to much +hypocritical ingenuity in drawing my Father's attention away, if +possible, as the terrible subject was seen to be looming and +approaching. In this my stepmother would aid and abet, sometimes +producing incongruous themes, likely to attract my Father aside, +with a skill worthy of a parlour conjurer, and much to my +admiration. If, however, she was not unwilling to come, in this +way, to the support of my feebleness, there was no open collusion +between us. She always described my Father, when she was alone +with me, admiringly, as one 'whose trumpet gave no uncertain +sound'. There was not a tinge of infidelity upon her candid mind, +but she was human, and I think that now and then she was +extremely bored. + +My Father was entirely devoid of the prudence which turns away +its eyes and passes as rapidly as possible in the opposite +direction. The peculiar kind of drama in which every sort of +social discomfort is welcomed rather than that the characters +should be happy when guilty of 'acting a lie', was not invented +in those days, and there can hardly be imagined a figure more +remote from my Father than Ibsen. Yet when I came, at a far later +date, to read _The Wild Duck_, memories of the embarrassing +household of my infancy helped me to realize Gregers Werle, with +his determination to pull the veil of illusion away from every +compromise that makes life bearable. + +I was docile, I was plausible, I was anything but combative; if +my Father could have persuaded himself to let me alone, if he +could merely have been willing to leave my subterfuges and my +explanations unanalysed, all would have been well. But he refused +to see any difference in temperament between a lad of twenty and +a sage of sixty. He had no vital sympathy for youth, which in +itself had no charm for him. He had no compassion for the +weaknesses of immaturity, and his one and only anxiety was to be +at the end of his spiritual journey, safe with me in the house +where there are many mansions. The incidents of human life upon +the road to glory were less than nothing to him. + +My Father was very fond of defining what was his own attitude at +this time, and he was never tired of urging the same ambition +upon me. He regarded himself as the faithful steward of a Master +who might return at any moment, and who would require to find +everything ready for his convenience. That master was God, with +whom my Father seriously believed himself to be in relations much +more confidential than those vouchsafed to ordinary pious +persons. He awaited, with anxious hope, 'the coming of the Lord', +an event which he still frequently believed to be imminent. He +would calculate, by reference to prophecies in the Old and New +Testament, the exact date of this event; the date would pass, +without the expected Advent, and he would be more than +disappointed,--he would be incensed. Then he would understand +that he must have made some slight error in calculation, and the +pleasures of anticipation would recommence. + +Me in all this he used as a kind of inferior coadjutor, much as a +responsible and upper servant might use a footboy. I, also, must +be watching; it was not important that I should be seriously +engaged in any affairs of my own. I must be ready for the +Master's coming; and my Father's incessant cross-examination was +made in the spirit of a responsible servant who fidgets lest some +humble but essential piece of household work has been neglected. + +My holidays, however, and all my personal relations with my +Father were poisoned by this insistency. I was never at my ease +in his company; I never knew when I might not be subjected to a +series of searching questions which I should not be allowed to +evade. Meanwhile, on every other stage of experience I was +gaining the reliance upon self and the respect for the opinion of +others which come naturally to a young man of sober habits who +earns his own living and lives his own life. For this kind of +independence my Father had no respect or consideration, when +questions of religion were introduced, although he handsomely +conceded it on other points. And now first there occurred to me +the reflection, which in years to come I was to repeat over and +over, with an ever sadder emphasis,--what a charming companion, +what a delightful parent, what a courteous and engaging friend my +Father would have been, and would pre-eminently have been to me, +if it had not been for this stringent piety which ruined it all. + +Let me speak plainly. After my long experience, after my patience +and forbearance, I have surely the right to protest against the +untruth (would that I could apply to it any other word!) that +evangelical religion, or any religion in a violent form, is a +wholesome or valuable or desirable adjunct to human life. It +divides heart from heart. It sets up a vain, chimerical ideal, in +the barren pursuit of which all the tender, indulgent affections, +all the genial play of life, all the exquisite pleasures and soft +resignations of the body, all that enlarges and calms the soul +are exchanged for what is harsh and void and negative. It +encourages a stern and ignorant spirit of condemnation; it throws +altogether out of gear the healthy movement of the conscience; it +invents virtues which are sterile and cruel; it invents sins +which are no sins at all, but which darken the heaven of innocent +joy with futile clouds of remorse. There is something horrible, +if we will bring ourselves to face it, in the fanaticism that can +do nothing with this pathetic and fugitive existence of ours but +treat it as if it were the uncomfortable ante-chamber to a palace +which no one has explored and of the plan of which we know +absolutely nothing. My Father, it is true, believed that he was +intimately acquainted with the form and furniture of this +habitation, and he wished me to think of nothing else but of the +advantages of an eternal residence in it. + +Then came a moment when my self-sufficiency revolted against the +police-inspection to which my 'views' were incessantly subjected. +There was a morning, in the hot-house at home, among the gorgeous +waxen orchids which reminded my Father of the tropics in his +youth, when my forbearance or my timidity gave way. The enervated +air, soaked with the intoxicating perfumes of all those +voluptuous flowers, may have been partly responsible for my +outburst. My Father had once more put to me the customary +interrogatory. Was I 'walking closely with God'? Was my sense of +the efficacy of the Atonement clear and sound? Had the Holy +Scriptures still their full authority with me? My replies on this +occasion were violent and hysterical. I have no clear +recollection what it was that I said,--I desire not to recall the +whimpering sentences in which I begged to be let alone, in which +I demanded the right to think for myself, in which I repudiated +the idea that my Father was responsible to God for my secret +thoughts and my most intimate convictions. + +He made no answer; I broke from the odorous furnace of the +conservatory, and buried my face in the cold grass upon the lawn. +My visit to Devonshire, already near its close, was hurried to an +end. I had scarcely arrived in London before the following +letter, furiously despatched in the track of the fugitive, buried +itself like an arrow in my heart: + +'When your sainted Mother died, she not only tenderly committed +you to God, but left you also as a solemn charge to me, to bring +you up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That +responsibility I have sought constantly to keep before me: I can +truly aver that it has been ever before me--in my choice of a +housekeeper, in my choice of a school, in my ordering of your +holidays, in my choice of a second wife, in my choice of an +occupation for you, in my choice of a residence for you; and in +multitudes of lesser things--I have sought to act for you, not in +the light of this present world, but with a view to Eternity. + +'Before your childhood was past, there seemed God's manifest +blessing on our care; for you seemed truly converted to Him; you +confessed, in solemn baptism, that you had died and had been +raised with Christ; and you were received with joy into the bosom +of the Church of God, as one alive from the dead. + +'All this filled my heart with thankfulness and joy, whenever I +thought of you:--how could it do otherwise? And when I left you +in London, on that dreary winter evening, my heart, full of +sorrowing love, found its refuge and its resource in this +thought,--that you were one of the lambs of Christ's flock; +sealed with the Holy Spirit as His; renewed in heart to holiness, +in the image of God. + +'For a while, all appeared to go on fairly well: we yearned, +indeed, to discover more of heart in your allusions to religious +matters, but your expressions towards us were filial and +affectionate; your conduct, so far as we could see, was moral and +becoming; you mingled with the people of God, spoke of occasional +delight and profit in His ordinances; and employed your talents +in service to Him. + +'But of late, and specially during the past year, there has become +manifest a rapid progress towards evil. (I must beg you here to +pause, and again to look to God for grace to weigh what I am +about to say; or else wrath will rise.) + +'When you came to us in the summer, the heavy blow fell full upon +me; and I discovered how very far you had departed from God. It +was not that you had yielded to the strong tide of youthful +blood, and had fallen a victim to fleshly lusts; in that case, +however sad, your enlightened conscience would have spoken +loudly, and you would have found your way back to the blood which +cleanseth us from all sin, to humble confession and self- +abasement, to forgiveness and to recommunion with God. It was not +this; it was worse. It was that horrid, insidious infidelity, +which had already worked in your mind and heart with terrible +energy. Far worse, I say, because this was sapping the very +foundations of faith, on which all true godliness, all real +religion, must rest. + +'Nothing seemed left to which I could appeal. We had, I found, no +common ground. The Holy Scriptures had no longer any authority: +you had taught yourself to evade their inspiration. Any +particular Oracle of God which pressed you, you could easily +explain away; even the very character of God you weighed in your +balance of fallen reason, and fashioned it accordingly. You were +thus sailing down the rapid tide of time towards Eternity, +without a single authoritative guide (having cast your chart +overboard), except what you might fashion and forge on your own +anvil,--except what you might _guess_, in fact. + +'Do not think I am speaking in passion, and using unwarrantable +strength of words. If the written Word is not absolutely +authoritative, what do we know of God? What more than we can +infer, that is, guess,--as the thoughtful heathens guessed,-- +Plato, Socrates, Cicero,--from dim and mute surrounding +phenomena? What do we know of Eternity? Of our relations to God? +Especially of the relations of a sinner to God? What of +reconciliation? What of the capital question--How can a God of +perfect spotless rectitude deal with me, a corrupt sinner, who +have trampled on those of His laws which were even written on my +conscience?... + +'This dreadful conduct of yours I had intended, after much prayer, +to pass by in entire silence; but your apparently sincere +inquiries after the cause of my sorrow have led me to go to the +root of the matter, and I could not stop short of the development +contained in this letter. It is with pain, not in anger, that I +send it; hoping that you may be induced to review the whole +course, of which this is only a stage, before God. If this grace +were granted to you, oh! how joyfully should I bury all the past, +and again have sweet and tender fellowship with my beloved Son, +as of old.' + +The reader who has done me the favour to follow this record of +the clash of two temperaments will not fail to perceive the +crowning importance of the letter from which I have just made a +long quotation. It sums up, with the closest logic, the whole +history of the situation, and I may leave it to form the epigraph +of this little book. + +All that I need further say is to point out that when such +defiance is offered to the intelligence of a thoughtful and +honest young man with the normal impulses of his twenty-one +years, there are but two alternatives. Either he must cease to +think for himself; or his individualism must be instantly +confirmed, and the necessity of religious independence must be +emphasized. + +No compromise, it is seen, was offered; no proposal of a truce +would have been acceptable. It was a case of 'Everything or +Nothing'; and thus desperately challenged, the young man's +conscience threw off once for all the yoke of his 'dedication', +and, as respectfully as he could, without parade or remonstrance, +he took a human being's privilege to fashion his inner life for +himself. + + + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FATHER AND SON*** + + +******* This file should be named 2540.txt or 2540.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/5/4/2540 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +E-Text created by Martin Adamson +martin@grassmarket.freeserve.co.uk + + + + + +Father and Son + +A study of two temperaments + +by Edmund Gosse + + + +Der Glaube ist wie der Liebe: +Er Lasst sich nicht erzwingen. + +Schopenhauer + + +PREFACE + +AT the present hour, when fiction takes forms so ingenious and so +specious, it is perhaps necessary to say that the following +narrative, in all its parts, and so far as the punctilious +attention of the writer has been able to keep it so, is +scrupulously true. If it were not true, in this strict sense, to +publish it would be to trifle with all those who may be induced +to read it. It is offered to them as a document, as a record of +educational and religious conditions which, having passed away, +will never return. In this respect, as the diagnosis of a dying +Puritanism, it is hoped that the narrative will not be altogether +without significance. + +It offers, too, in a subsidiary sense, a study of the development +of moral and intellectual ideas during the progress of infancy. +These have been closely and conscientiously noted, and may have +some value in consequence of the unusual conditions in which they +were produced. The author has observed that those who have +written about the facts of their own childhood have usually +delayed to note them down until age has dimmed their +recollections. Perhaps an even more common fault in such +autobiographies is that they are sentimental, and are falsified +by self-admiration and self-pity. The writer of these +recollections has thought that if the examination of his earliest +years was to be undertaken at all, it should be attempted while +his memory is still perfectly vivid and while he is still +unbiased by the forgetfulness or the sensibility of advancing +years. + +At one point only has there been any tampering with precise fact. +It is believed that, with the exception of the Son, there is but +one person mentioned in this book who is still alive. +Nevertheless, it has been thought well, in order to avoid any +appearance of offence, to alter the majority of the proper names +of the private persons spoken of. + +It is not usual, perhaps, that the narrative of a spiritual +struggle should mingle merriment and humour with a discussion of +the most solemn subjects. It has, however, been inevitable that +they should be so mingled in this narrative. It is true that most +funny books try to be funny throughout, while theology is +scandalized if it awakens a single smile. But life is not +constituted thus, and this book is nothing if it is not a genuine +slice of life. There was an extraordinary mixture of comedy and +tragedy in the situation which is here described, and those who +are affected by the pathos of it will not need to have it +explained to them that the comedy was superficial and the tragedy +essential. + +September 1907 + +CHAPTER I + +THIS book is the record of a struggle between two temperaments, +two consciences and almost two epochs. It ended, as was +inevitable, in disruption. Of the two human beings here +described, one was born to fly backward, the other could not help +being carried forward. There came a time when neither spoke the +same language as the other, or encompassed the same hopes, or was +fortified by the same desires. But, at least, it is some +consolation to the survivor, that neither, to the very last hour, +ceased to respect the other, or to regard him with a sad +indulgence. + +The affection of these two persons was assailed by forces in +comparison with which the changes that health or fortune or place +introduce are as nothing. It is a mournful satisfaction, but yet +a satisfaction, that they were both of them able to obey the law +which says that ties of close family relationship must be +honoured and sustained. Had it not been so, this story would +never have been told. + +The struggle began soon, yet of course it did not begin in early +infancy. But to familiarize my readers with the conditions of the +two persons (which were unusual) and with the outlines of their +temperaments (which were, perhaps innately, antagonistic), it is +needful to open with some account of all that I can truly and +independently recollect, as well as with some statements which +are, as will be obvious, due to household tradition. + +My parents were poor gentlefolks; not young; solitary, sensitive, +and although they did not know it, proud. They both belonged to +what is called the Middle Class, and there was this further +resemblance between them that they each descended from families +which had been more than well-to-do in the eighteenth century, +and had gradually sunken in fortune. In both houses there had +been a decay of energy which had led to decay in wealth. In the +case of my Father's family it had been a slow decline; in that of +my Mother's, it had been rapid. My maternal grandfather was born +wealthy, and in the opening years of the nineteenth century, +immediately after his marriage, he bought a little estate in +North Wales, on the slopes of Snowdon. Here he seems to have +lived in a pretentious way, keeping a pack of hounds and +entertaining on an extravagant scale. He had a wife who +encouraged him in this vivid life, and three children, my Mother +and her two brothers. His best trait was his devotion to the +education of his children, in which he proclaimed himself a +disciple of Rousseau. But he can hardly have followed the +teaching of 'Emile' very closely, since he employed tutors to +teach his daughter, at an extremely early age, the very subjects +which Rousseau forbade, such as history, literature and foreign +languages. + +My Mother was his special favourite, and his vanity did its best +to make a bluestocking of her. She read Greek, Latin and even a +little Hebrew, and, what was more important, her mind was trained +to be self-supporting. But she was diametrically opposed in +essential matters to her easy-going, luxurious and self-indulgent +parents. Reviewing her life in her thirtieth year, she remarked +in some secret notes: 'I cannot recollect the time when I did not +love religion.' She used a still more remarkable expression: 'If +I must date my conversion from my first wish and trial to be +holy, I may go back to infancy; if I am to postpone it till after +my last wilful sin, it is scarcely yet begun.' The irregular +pleasures of her parents' life were deeply distasteful to her, as +such were to many young persons in those days of the wide revival +of Conscience, and when my grandfather, by his reckless +expenditure, which he never checked till ruin was upon him, was +obliged to sell his estate, and live in penury, my Mother was the +only member of the family who did not regret the change. For my +own part, I believe I should have liked my reprobate maternal +grandfather, but his conduct was certainly very vexatious. He +died, in his eightieth year, when I was nine months old. + +It was a curious coincidence that life had brought both my +parents along similar paths to an almost identical position in +respect to religious belief. She had started from the Anglican +standpoint, he from the Wesleyan, and each, almost without +counsel from others, and after varied theological experiments, +had come to take up precisely the same attitude towards all +divisions of the Protestant Church-- that, namely, of detached and +unbiased contemplation. So far as the sects agreed with my Father +and my Mother, the sects were walking in the light; wherever they +differed from them, they had slipped more or less definitely into +a penumbra of their own making, a darkness into which neither of +my parents would follow them. Hence, by a process of selection, +my Father and my Mother alike had gradually, without violence, +found themselves shut outside all Protestant communions, and at +last they met only with a few extreme Calvinists like themselves, +on terms of what may almost be called negation-- with no priest, no +ritual, no festivals, no ornament of any kind, nothing but the +Lord's Supper and the exposition of Holy Scripture drawing these +austere spirits into any sort of cohesion. They called themselves +'the Brethren', simply; a title enlarged by the world outside +into 'Plymouth Brethren'. + +It was accident and similarity which brought my parents together +at these meetings of the Brethren. Each was lonely, each was +poor, each was accustomed to a strenuous intellectual self- +support. He was nearly thirty-eight, she was past forty-two, when +they married. From a suburban lodging, he brought her home to his +mother's little house in the northeast of London without a +single day's honeymoon. My Father was a zoologist, and a writer +of books on natural history; my Mother also was a writer, author +already of two slender volumes of religious verse--the earlier of +which, I know not how, must have enjoyed some slight success, +since a second edition was printed--afterwards she devoted her +pen to popular works of edification. But how infinitely removed +in their aims, their habits, their ambitions from 'literary' +people of the present day, words are scarcely adequate to +describe. Neither knew nor cared about any manifestation of +current literature. For each there had been no poet later than +Byron, and neither had read a romance since, in childhood, they +had dipped into the Waverley Novels as they appeared in +succession. For each the various forms of imaginative and +scientific literature were merely means of improvement and +profit, which kept the student 'out of the world', gave him full +employment, and enabled him to maintain himself. But pleasure was +found nowhere but in the Word of God, and to the endless +discussion of the Scriptures each hurried when the day's work was +over. + +In this strange household the advent of a child was not welcomed, +but was borne with resignation. The event was thus recorded in my +Father's diary: + +E. delivered of a son. Received green swallow from Jamaica. + +This entry has caused amusement, as showing that he was as much +interested in the bird as in the boy. But this does not follow; +what the wording exemplifies is my Father's extreme punctilio. +The green swallow arrived later in the day than the son, and the +earlier visitor was therefore recorded first; my Father was +scrupulous in every species of arrangement. + +Long afterwards, my Father told me that my Mother suffered much +in giving birth to me, and that, uttering no cry, I appeared to +be dead. I was laid, with scant care, on another bed in the room, +while all anxiety and attention were concentrated on my Mother. +An old woman who happened to be there, and who was unemployed, +turned her thoughts to me, and tried to awake in me a spark of +vitality. She succeeded, and she was afterwards complimented by +the doctor on her cleverness. My Father could not--when he told +me the story--recollect the name of my preserver. I have often +longed to know who she was. For all the rapture of life, for all +its turmoils, its anxious desires, its manifold pleasures, and +even for its sorrow and suffering, I bless and praise that +anonymous old lady from the bottom of my heart. + +It was six weeks before my Mother was able to leave her room. The +occasion was made a solemn one, and was attended by a species of +Churching. Mr Balfour, a valued minister of the denomination, +held a private service in the parlour, and 'prayed for our child, +that he may be the Lord's'. This was the opening act of that +'dedication' which was never henceforward forgotten, and of which +the following pages will endeavour to describe the results. +Around my tender and unconscious spirit was flung the luminous +web, the light and elastic but impermeable veil, which it was +hoped would keep me 'unspotted from the world'. + +Until this time my Father's mother had lived in the house and +taken the domestic charges of it on her own shoulders. She now +consented to leave us to ourselves. There is no question that her +exodus was a relief to my Mother, since my paternal grandmother +was a strong and masterful woman, buxom, choleric and practical, +for whom the interests of the mind did not exist. Her daughter- +in-law, gentle as she was, and ethereal in manner and appearance- +-strangely contrasted (no doubt), in her tinctures of gold hair +and white skin, with my grandmother's bold carnations and black +tresses--was yet possessed of a will like tempered steel. They +were better friends apart, with my grandmother lodged hard by, in +a bright room, her household gods and bits of excellent +eighteenth-century furniture around her, her miniatures and +sparkling china arranged on shelves. + +Left to my Mother's sole care, I became the centre of her +solicitude. But there mingled with those happy animal instincts +which sustain the strength and patience of every human mother and +were fully present with her--there mingled with these certain +spiritual determinations which can be but rare. They are, in +their outline, I suppose, vaguely common to many religious +mothers, but there are few indeed who fill up the sketch with so +firm a detail as she did. Once again I am indebted to her secret +notes, in a little locked volume, seen until now, nearly sixty +years later, by no eye save her own. Thus she wrote when I was +two months old: + +'We have given him to the Lord; and we trust that He will really +manifest him to be His own, if he grow up; and if the Lord take +him early, we will not doubt that he is taken to Himself. Only, +if it please the Lord to take him, I do trust we may be spared +seeing him suffering in lingering illness and much pain. But in +this as in all things His will is better than what we can choose. +Whether his life be prolonged or not, it has already been a +blessing to us, and to the saints, in leading us to much prayer, +and bringing us into varied need and some trial. + +The last sentence is somewhat obscure to me. How, at that tender +age, I contrived to be a blessing 'to the saints' may surprise +others and puzzles myself. But 'the saints' was the habitual term +by which were indicated the friends who met on Sunday mornings +for Holy Communion, and at many other tunes in the week for +prayer and discussion of the Scriptures, in the small hired hall +at Hackney, which my parents attended. I suppose that the solemn +dedication of me to the Lord, which was repeated in public in my +Mother's arms, being by no means a usual or familiar ceremony +even among the Brethren, created a certain curiosity and fervour +in the immediate services, or was imagined so to do by the fond, +partial heart of my Mother. She, however, who had been so much +isolated, now made the care of her child an excuse for retiring +still further into silence. With those religious persons who met +at the Room, as the modest chapel was called, she had little +spiritual, and no intellectual, sympathy. She noted: + +I do not think it would increase my happiness to be in the midst +of the saints at Hackney. I have made up my mind to give myself +up to Baby for the winter, and to accept no invitations. To go +when I can to the Sunday morning meetings and to see my own +Mother. + +The monotony of her existence now became extreme, but she seems +to have been happy. Her days were spent in taking care of me, and +in directing one young servant. My Father was forever in his +study, writing, drawing, dissecting; sitting, no doubt, as I grew +afterwards accustomed to see him, absolutely motionless, with his +eye glued to the microscope, for twenty minutes at a time. So the +greater part of every weekday was spent, and on Sunday he +usually preached one, and sometimes two extempore sermons. His +workday labours were rewarded by the praise of the learned +world, to which he was indifferent, but by very little money, +which he needed more. For over three years after their marriage, +neither of my parents left London for a single day, not being +able to afford to travel. They received scarcely any visitors, +never ate a meal away from home, never spent an evening in social +intercourse abroad. At night they discussed theology, read aloud +to one another, or translated scientific brochures from French or +German. It sounds a terrible life of pressure and deprivation, +and that it was physically unwholesome there can be no shadow of +a doubt. But their contentment was complete and unfeigned. In the +midst of this, materially, the hardest moment of their lives, +when I was one year old, and there was a question of our leaving +London, my Mother recorded in her secret notes: + +"We are happy and contented, having all things needful and +pleasant, and our present habitation is hallowed by many sweet +associations. We have our house to ourselves and enjoy each +other's society. If we move we shall do longer be alone. The +situation may be more favourable, however, for Baby, as being +more in the country. I desire to have no choice in the matter, +but as I know not what would be for our good, and God knows, so I +desire to leave it with Him, and if it is not His will we should +move, He will raise objections and difficulties, and if it is His +will He will make Henry [my Father] desirous and anxious to take +the step, and then, whatever the result, let us leave all to Him +and not regret it." + +No one who is acquainted with the human heart will mistake this +attitude of resignation for weakness of purpose. It was not +poverty of will, it was abnegation, it was a voluntary act. My +Mother, underneath an exquisite amenity of manner, concealed a +rigour of spirit which took the form of a constant self-denial. +For it to dawn upon her consciousness that she wished for +something, was definitely to renounce that wish, or, more +exactly, to subject it in every thing to what she conceived to be +the will of God. + +This is perhaps the right moment for me to say that at this time, +and indeed until the hour of her death, she exercised, without +suspecting it, a magnetic power over the will and nature of my +Father. Both were strong, but my Mother was unquestionably the +stronger of the two; it was her mind which gradually drew his to +take up a certain definite position, and this remained permanent +although she, the cause of it, was early removed. Hence, while it +was with my Father that the long struggle which I have to narrate +took place, behind my Father stood the ethereal memory of my +Mother's will, guiding him, pressing him, holding him to the +unswerving purpose which she had formed and defined. And when the +inevitable disruption came, what was unspeakably painful was to +realize that it was not from one, but from both parents that the +purpose of the child was separated. + +My Mother was a Puritan in grain, and never a word escaped her, +not a phrase exists in her diary, to suggest that she had any +privations to put up with. She seemed strong and well, and so did +I; the one of us who broke down was my Father. With his attack of +acute nervous dyspepsia came an unexpected small accession of +money, and we were able, in my third year, to take a holiday of +nearly ten months in Devonshire. The extreme seclusion, the +unbroken strain, were never repeated, and when we returned to +London, it was to conditions of greater amenity and to a less +rigid practice of 'the world forgetting by the world forgot'. +That this relaxation was more relative than positive, and that +nothing ever really tempted either of my parents from their +cavern in an intellectual Thebaid, my recollections will amply +prove. But each of them was forced by circumstances into a more +or less public position, and neither could any longer quite +ignore the world around. + +It is not my business here to re-write the biographies of my +parents. Each of them became, in a certain measure, celebrated, +and each was the subject of a good deal of contemporary +discussion. Each was prominent before the eyes of a public of his +or her own, half a century ago. It is because their minds were +vigorous and their accomplishments distinguished that the +contrast between their spiritual point of view and the aspect of +a similar class of persons today is interesting and may, I hope, +be instructive. But this is not another memoir of public +individuals, each of whom has had more than one biographer. My +serious duty, as I venture to hold it, is other; + + that's the world's side, +Thus men saw them, praised them, thought they knew them! +There, in turn, I stood aside and praised them! +Out of my own self, I dare to phrase it. + +But this is a different inspection, this is a study of + + the other side, the novel +Silent silver lights and darks undreamed of, + +the record of a state of soul once not uncommon in Protestant +Europe, of which my parents were perhaps the latest consistent +exemplars among people of light and leading. + +The peculiarities of a family life, founded upon such principles, +are, in relation to a little child, obvious; but I may be +permitted to recapitulate them. Here was perfect purity, perfect +intrepidity, perfect abnegation; yet there was also narrowness, +isolation, an absence of perspective, let it be boldly admitted, +an absence of humanity. And there was a curious mixture of +humbleness and arrogance; entire resignation to the will of God +and not less entire disdain of the judgement and opinion of man. +My parents founded every action, every attitude, upon their +interpretation of the Scriptures, and upon the guidance of the +Divine Will as revealed to them by direct answer to prayer. Their +ejaculation in the face of any dilemma was, 'Let us cast it +before the Lord!' + +So confident were they of the reality of their intercourse with +God, that they asked for no other guide. They recognized no +spiritual authority among men, they subjected themselves to no +priest or minister, they troubled their consciences about no +current manifestation of 'religious opinion'. They lived in an +intellectual cell, bounded at its sides by the walls of their own +house, but open above to the very heart of the uttermost heavens. + +This, then, was the scene in which the soul of a little child was +planted, not as in an ordinary open flower-border or carefully +tended social parterre, but as on a ledge, split in the granite +of some mountain. The ledge was hung between night and the snows +on one hand, and the dizzy depths of the world upon the other; +was furnished with just soil enough for a gentian to struggle +skywards and open its stiff azure stars; and offered no +lodgement, no hope of salvation, to any rootlet which should +stray beyond its inexorable limits. + + +CHAPTER II + +OUT of the darkness of my infancy there comes only one flash of +memory. I am seated alone, in my baby-chair, at a dinner-table +set for several people. Somebody brings in a leg of mutton, puts +it down close to me, and goes out. I am again alone, gazing at +two low windows, wide open upon a garden. Suddenly, noiselessly, +a large, long animal (obviously a greyhound) appears at one +window-sill, slips into the room, seizes the leg of mutton and +slips out again. When this happened I could not yet talk. The +accomplishment of speech came to me very late, doubtless because +I never heard young voices. Many years later, when I mentioned +this recollection, there was a shout of laughter and surprise: +'That, then, was what became of the mutton! It was not you, who, +as your Uncle A. pretended, ate it up, in the twinkling of an +eye, bone and all!' + +I suppose that it was the startling intensity of this incident +which stamped it upon a memory from which all other impressions +of this early date have vanished. + +The adventure of the leg of mutton occurred, evidently, at the +house of my Mother's brothers, for my parents, at this date, +visited no other. My uncles were not religious men, but they had +an almost filial respect for my Mother, who was several years +senior to the elder of them. When the catastrophe of my +grandfather's fortune had occurred, they had not yet left school. +My Mother, in spite of an extreme dislike of teaching, which was +native to her, immediately accepted the situation of a governess +in the family of an Irish nobleman. The mansion was only to be +approached, as Miss Edgeworth would have said, 'through eighteen +sloughs, at the imminent peril of one's life', and when one had +reached it, the mixture of opulence and squalor, of civility and +savagery, was unspeakable. But my Mother was well paid, and she +stayed in this distasteful environment, doing the work she hated +most, while with the margin of her salary she helped first one of +her brothers and then the other through his Cambridge course. +They studied hard and did well at the university. At length their +sister received, in her 'ultima Thule', news that her younger +brother had taken his degree, and then and there, with a sigh of +intense relief, she resigned her situation and came straight back +to England. + +It is not to be wondered at, then, that my uncles looked up to +their sister with feelings of especial devotion. They were not +inclined, they were hardly in a position, to criticize her modes +of thought. They were easy-going, cultured and kindly gentlemen, +rather limited in their views, without a trace of their sister's +force of intellect or her strenuous temper. E. resembled her in +person, he was tall, fair, with auburn curls; he cultivated a +certain tendency to the Byronic type, fatal and melancholy. A. +was short, brown and jocose, with a pretension to common sense; +bluff and chatty. As a little child, I adored my Uncle E., who +sat silent by the fireside holding me against his knee, saying +nothing, but looking unutterably sad, and occasionally shaking +his warm-coloured tresses. With great injustice, on the other +hand, I detested my Uncle A., because he used to joke in a manner +very displeasing to me, and because he would so far forget +himself as to chase, and even, if it will be credited, to tickle +me. My uncles, who remained bachelors to the end of their lives, +earned a comfortable living; E. by teaching, A. as 'something in +the City', and they rented an old rambling house in Clapton, that +same in which I saw the greyhound. Their house had a strange, +delicious smell, so unlike anything I smelt anywhere else, that +it used to fill my eyes with tears of mysterious pleasure. I know +now that this was the odour of cigars, tobacco being a species of +incense tabooed at home on the highest religious grounds. + +It has been recorded that I was slow in learning to speak. I used +to be told that having met all invitations to repeat such words +as 'Papa' and 'Mamma' with gravity and indifference, I one day +drew towards me a volume, and said 'book' with startling +distinctness. I was not at all precocious, but at a rather early +age, I think towards the beginning of my fourth year, I learned +to read. I cannot recollect a time when a printed page of English +was closed to me. But perhaps earlier still my Mother used to +repeat to me a poem which I have always taken for granted that +she had herself composed, a poem which had a romantic place in my +early mental history. It ran thus, I think: + +O pretty Moon, you shine so bright! +I'll go to bid Mamma good-night, +And then I'll lie upon my bed +And watch you move above my head. + +Ah! there, a cloud has hidden you! +But I can see your light shine thro'; +It tries to hide you--quite in vain, +For--there you quickly come again! + +It's God, I know, that makes you shine +Upon this little bed of mine; +But I shall all about you know +When I can read and older grow. + +Long, long after the last line had become an anachronism, I used +to shout this poem from my bed before I went to sleep, whether +the night happened to be moonlit or no. + +It must have been my Father who taught me my letters. To my +Mother, as I have said, it was distasteful to teach, though she +was so prompt and skillful to learn. My Father, on the contrary, +taught cheerfully, by fits and starts. In particular, he had a +scheme for rationalizing geography, which I think was admirable. +I was to climb upon a chair, while, standing at my side, with a +pencil and a sheet of paper, he was to draw a chart of the +markings on the carpet. Then, when I understood the system, +another chart on a smaller scale of the furniture in the room, +then of a floor of the house, then of the back-garden, then of a +section of the street. The result of this was that geography came +to me of itself, as a perfectly natural miniature arrangement of +objects, and to this day has always been the science which gives +me least difficulty. My father also taught me the simple rules of +arithmetic, a little natural history, and the elements of +drawing; and he laboured long and unsuccessfully to make me learn +by heart hymns, psalms and chapters of Scripture, in which I +always failed ignominiously and with tears. This puzzled and +vexed him, for he himself had an extremely retentive textual +memory. He could not help thinking that I was naughty, and would +not learn the chapters, until at last he gave up the effort. All +this sketch of an education began, I believe, in my fourth year, +and was not advanced or modified during the rest of my Mother's +life. + +Meanwhile, capable as I was of reading, I found my greatest +pleasure in the pages of books. The range of these was limited, +for story-books of every description were sternly excluded. No +fiction of any kind, religious or secular, was admitted into the +house. In this it was to my Mother, not to my Father, that the +prohibition was due. She had a remarkable, I confess to me still +somewhat unaccountable impression that to 'tell a story', that +is, to compose fictitious narrative of any kind, was a sin. She +carried this conviction to extreme lengths. My Father, in later +years, gave me some interesting examples of her firmness. As a +young man in America, he had been deeply impressed by +'Salathiel', a pious prose romance by that then popular writer, +the Rev. George Croly. When he first met my Mother, he +recommended it to her, but she would not consent to open it. Nor +would she read the chivalrous tales in verse of Sir Walter Scott, +obstinately alleging that they were not 'true'. She would read +none but lyrical and subjective poetry. Her secret diary reveals +the history of this singular aversion to the fictitious, although +it cannot be said to explain the cause of it. As a child, +however, she had possessed a passion for making up stories, and +so considerable a skill in it that she was constantly being +begged to indulge others with its exercise. But I will, on so +curious a point, leave her to speak for herself: + +'When I was a very little child, I used to amuse myself and my +brothers with inventing stories, such as I read. Having, as I +suppose, naturally a restless mind and busy imagination, this +soon became the chief pleasure of my life. Unfortunately, my +brothers were always fond of encouraging this propensity, and I +found in Taylor, my maid, a still greater tempter. I had not +known there was any harm in it, until Miss Shore [a Calvinist +governess], finding it out, lectured me severely, and told me it +was wicked. From that time forth I considered that to invent a +story of any kind was a sin. But the desire to do so was too +deeply rooted in my affections to be resisted in my own strength +[she was at that time nine years of age], and unfortunately I knew +neither my corruption nor my weakness, nor did I know where to +gain strength. The longing to invent stories grew with violence; +everything I heard or read became food for my distemper. The +simplicity of truth was not sufficient for me; I must needs +embroider imagination upon it, and the folly, vanity and +wickedness which disgraced my heart are snore than I am able to +express. Even now [at the age of twenty-nine], tho' watched, +prayed and striven against, this is still the sin that most +easily besets me. It has hindered my prayers and prevented my +improvement, and therefore, has humbled me very much. + +This is, surely, a very painful instance of the repression of an +instinct. There seems to have been, in this case, a vocation such +as is rarely heard, and still less often wilfully disregarded and +silenced. Was my Mother intended by nature to be a novelist? I +have often thought so, and her talents and vigour of purpose, +directed along the line which was ready to form 'the chief +pleasure of her life', could hardly have failed to conduct her to +great success. She was a little younger than Bulwer Lytton, a +little older than Mrs Gaskell--but these are vain and trivial +speculations! + +My own state, however, was, I should think, almost unique among +the children of cultivated parents. In consequence of the stern +ordinance which I have described, not a single fiction was read +or told to me during my infancy. The rapture of the child who +delays the process of going to bed by cajoling 'a story' out of +his mother or his nurse, as he sits upon her knee, well tucked +up, at the corner of the nursery fire --this was unknown to me. +Never in all my early childhood did anyone address to me the +affecting preamble, 'Once upon a time!' I was told about +missionaries, but never about pirates; I was familiar with +hummingbirds, but I had never heard of fairies-- Jack the Giant- +Killer, Rumpelstiltskin and Robin Hood were not of my +acquaintance; and though I understood about wolves, Little Red +Ridinghood was a stranger even by name. So far as my 'dedication' +was concerned, I can but think that my parents were in error thus +to exclude the imaginary from my outlook upon facts. They desired +to make me truthful; the tendency was to make me positive and +sceptical. Had they wrapped me in the soft folds of supernatural +fancy, my mind might have been longer content to follow their +traditions in an unquestioning spirit. + +Having easily said what, in those early years, I did not read, I +have great difficulty in saying what I did read. But a queer +variety of natural history, some of it quite indigestible by my +undeveloped mind; many books of travels, mainly of a scientific +character, among them voyages of discovery in the South Seas, by +which my brain was dimly filled with splendour; some geography +and astronomy, both of them sincerely enjoyed; much theology, +which I desired to appreciate but could never get my teeth into +(if I may venture to say so), and over which my eye and tongue +learned to slip without penetrating, so that I would read, and +read aloud, and with great propriety of emphasis, page after page +without having formed an idea or retained an expression. There +was, for instance, a writer on prophecy called Jukes, of whose +works each of my parents was inordinately fond, and I was early +set to read Jukes aloud to them. I did it glibly, like a machine, +but the sight of Jukes' volumes became an abomination to me, and +I never formed the outline of a notion what they were about. +Later on, a publication called The Penny Cyclopaedia became my +daily, and for a long time almost my sole study; to the subject +of this remarkable work I may presently return. + +It is difficult to keep anything like chronological order in +recording fragments of early recollection, and in speaking of my +reading I have been led too far ahead. My memory does not, +practically, begin till we returned from certain visits, made +with a zoological purpose, to the shores of Devon and Dorset, and +settled, early in my fifth year, in a house at Islington, in the +north of London. Our circumstances were now more easy; my Father +had regular and well-paid literary work; and the house was larger +and more comfortable than ever before, though still very simple +and restricted. My memories, some of which are exactly dated by +certain facts, now become clear and almost abundant. What I do +not remember, except from having it very often repeated to me, +is what may be considered the only 'clever' thing that I said +during an otherwise unillustrious childhood. It was not +startlingly 'clever', but it may pass. A lady--when I was just +four--rather injudiciously showed me a large print of a human +skeleton, saying, 'There! you don't know what that is, do you?' +Upon which, immediately and very archly, I replied, 'Isn't it a +man with the meat off?' This was thought wonderful, and, as it is +supposed that I had never had the phenomenon explained to me, it +certainly displays some quickness in seizing an analogy. I had +often watched my Father, while he soaked the flesh off the bones +of fishes and small mammals. If I venture to repeat this trifle, +it is only to point out that the system on which I was being +educated deprived all things, human life among the rest, of their +mystery. The 'bare-grinning skeleton of death' was to me merely a +prepared specimen of that featherless plantigrade vertebrate, +'homo sapiens'. + +As I have said that this anecdote was thought worth repeating, I +ought to proceed to say that there was, so far as I can +recollect, none of that flattery of childhood which is so often +merely a backhanded way of indulging the vanity of parents. My +Mother, indeed, would hardly have been human if she had not +occasionally entertained herself with the delusion that her +solitary duckling was a cygnet. This my Father did not encourage, +remarking, with great affection, and chucking me under the chin, +that I was 'a nice little ordinary boy'. My Mother, stung by this +want of appreciation, would proceed so far as to declare that she +believed that in future times the F.R.S, would be chiefly known +as his son's father! (This is a pleasantry frequent in +professional families.) + +To this my Father, whether convinced or not, would make no demur, +and the couple would begin to discuss, in my presence, the +direction which my shining talents would take. In consequence of +my dedication to 'the Lord's Service', the range of possibilities +was much restricted. My Father, who had lived long in the +Tropics, and who nursed a perpetual nostalgia for 'the little +lazy isles where the trumpet-orchids blow', leaned towards the +field of missionary labour. My Mother, who was cold about foreign +missions, preferred to believe that I should be the Charles +Wesley of my age, 'or perhaps', she had the candour to admit, +'merely the George Whitefield'. I cannot recollect the time when +I did not understand that I was going to be a minister of the +Gospel. + +It is so generally taken for granted that a life strictly +dedicated to religion is stiff and dreary, that I may have some +difficulty in persuading my readers that, as a matter of fact, in +these early days of my childhood, before disease and death had +penetrated to our slender society, we were always cheerful and +often gay. My parents were playful with one another, and there +were certain stock family jests which seldom failed to enliven +the breakfast table. My Father and Mother lived so completely in +the atmosphere of faith, and were so utterly convinced of their +intercourse with God, that, so long as that intercourse was not +clouded by sin, to which they were delicately sensitive, they +could afford to take the passing hour very lightly. They would +even, to a certain extent, treat the surroundings of their +religion as a subject of jest, joking very mildly and gently +about such things as an attitude at prayer or the nature of a +supplication. They were absolutely indifferent to forms. They +prayed, seated in their chairs, as willingly as, reversed, upon +their knees; no ritual having any significance for them. My +Mother was sometimes extremely gay, laughing with a soft, merry +sound. What I have since been told of the guileless mirth of nuns +in a convent has reminded me of the gaiety of my parents during +my early childhood. + +So long as I was a mere part of them, without individual +existence, and swept on, a satellite, in their atmosphere, I was +mirthful when they were mirthful, and grave when they were grave. +The mere fact that I had no young companions, no storybooks, no +outdoor amusements, none of the thousand and one employments +provided for other children in more conventional surroundings, +did not make me discontented or fretful, because I did not know +of the existence of such entertainments. In exchange, I became +keenly attentive to the limited circle of interests open to me. +Oddly enough, I have no recollection of any curiosity about other +children, nor of any desire to speak to them or play with them. +They did not enter into my dreams, which were occupied entirely +with grown-up people and animals. I had three dolls, to whom my +attitude was not very intelligible. Two of these were female, one +with a shapeless face of rags, the other in wax. But, in my fifth +year, when the Crimean War broke out, I was given a third doll, a +soldier, dressed very smartly in a scarlet cloth tunic. I used to +put the dolls on three chairs, and harangue them aloud, but my +sentiment to them was never confidential, until our maid-servant +one day, intruding on my audience, and misunderstanding the +occasion of it, said: 'What? a boy, and playing with a soldier +when he's got two lady-dolls to play with?' I had never thought +of my dolls as confidants before, but from that time forth I paid +a special attention to the soldier, in order to make up to him +for Lizzie's unwarrantable insult. + +The declaration of war with Russia brought the first breath of +outside life into our Calvinist cloister. My parents took in a +daily newspaper, which they had never done before, and events in +picturesque places, which my Father and I looked out on the map, +were eagerly discussed. One of my vividest early memories can be +dated exactly. I was playing about the house, and suddenly burst +into the breakfast-room, where, close to the door, sat an amazing +figure, a very tall young man, as stiff as my doll, in a gorgeous +scarlet tunic. Quite far away from him, at her writing-table, my +Mother sat with her Bible open before her, and was urging the +gospel plan of salvation on his acceptance. She promptly told me +to run away and play, but I had seen a great sight. This +guardsman was in the act of leaving for the Crimea, and his +adventures,--he was converted in consequence of my Mother's +instruction,--were afterwards told by her in a tract, called 'The +Guardsman of the Alma', of which I believe that more than half a +million copies were circulated. He was killed in that battle, and +this added an extraordinary lustre to my dream of him. I see him +still in my mind's eye, large, stiff, and unspeakably brilliant, +seated, from respect, as near as possible to our parlour door. +This apparition gave reality to my subsequent conversations with +the soldier doll. + +That same victory of the Alma, which was reported in London on my +fifth birthday, is also marked very clearly in my memory by a +family circumstance. We were seated at breakfast, at our small +round table drawn close up to the window, my Father with his back +to the light. Suddenly, he gave a sort of cry, and read out the +opening sentences from The Times announcing a battle in the +valley of the Alma. No doubt the strain of national anxiety had +been very great, for both he and my Mother seemed deeply excited. +He broke off his reading when the fact of the decisive victory +was assured, and he and my Mother sank simultaneously on their +knees in front of their tea and bread-and-butter, while in a loud +voice my Father gave thanks to the God of Battles. This +patriotism was the more remarkable, in that he had schooled +himself, as he believed, to put his 'heavenly citizenship' above +all earthly duties. To those who said: 'Because you are a +Christian, surely you are not less an Englishman?' he would reply +by shaking his head, and by saying: 'I am a citizen of no earthly +State'. He did not realize that, in reality, and to use a cant +phrase not yet coined in 1854, there existed in Great Britain no +more thorough 'Jingo' than he. + +Another instance of the remarkable way in which the interests of +daily life were mingled in our strange household, with the +practice of religion, made an impression upon my memory. We had +all three been much excited by a report that a certain dark +geometer-moth, generated in underground stables, had been met +with in Islington. Its name, I think is, 'Boletobia fuliginaria', +and I believe that it is excessively rare in England. We were +sitting at family prayers, on a summer morning, I think in 1855, +when through the open window a brown moth came sailing. My Mother +immediately interrupted the reading of the Bible by saying to my +Father, 'O! Henry, do you think that can be "Boletobia"?' My +Father rose up from the sacred book, examined the insect, which +had now perched, and replied: 'No! it is only the common +Vapourer, "Orgyia antiqua"!', resuming his seat, and the +exposition of the Word, without any apology or embarrassment. + +In the course of this, my sixth year, there happened a series of +minute and soundless incidents which, elementary as they may seem +when told, were second in real importance to none in my mental +history. The recollection of them confirms me in the opinion that +certain leading features in each human soul are inherent to it, +and cannot be accounted for by suggestion or training. In my own +case, I was most carefully withdrawn, like Princess Blanchefleur +in her marble fortress, from every outside influence whatever, +yet to me the instinctive life came as unexpectedly as her lover +came to her in the basket of roses. What came to me was the +consciousness of self, as a force and as a companion, and it came +as the result of one or two shocks, which I will relate. + +In consequence of hearing so much about an Omniscient God, a +being of supernatural wisdom and penetration who was always with +us, who made, in fact, a fourth in our company, I had come to +think of Him, not without awe, but with absolute confidence. My +Father and Mother, in their serene discipline of me, never argued +with one another, never even differed; their wills seemed +absolutely one. My Mother always deferred to my Father, and in +his absence spoke of him to me, as if he were all-wise. I +confused him in some sense with God; at all events I believed +that my Father knew everything and saw everything. One morning in +my sixth year, my Mother and I were alone in the morning-room, +when my Father came in and announced some fact to us. I was +standing on the rug, gazing at him, and when he made this +statement, I remember turning quickly, in embarrassment, and +looking into the fire. The shock to me was as that of a +thunderbolt, for what my Father had said 'was not true'. My +Mother and I, who had been present at the trifling incident, were +aware that it had not happened exactly as it had been reported to +him. My Mother gently told him so, and he accepted the +correction. Nothing could possibly have been more trifling to my +parents, but to me it meant an epoch. Here was the appalling +discovery, never suspected before, that my Father was not as God, +and did not know everything. The shock was not caused by any +suspicion that he was not telling the truth, as it appeared to +him, but by the awful proof that he was not, as I had supposed, +omniscient. + +This experience was followed by another, which confirmed the +first, but carried me a great deal further. In our little +back-garden, my Father had built up a rockery for ferns and mosses +and from the water-supply of the house he had drawn a leaden pipe +so that it pierced upwards through the rockery and produced, when +a tap was turned, a pretty silvery parasol of water. The pipe was +exposed somewhere near the foot of the rockery. One day, two +workmen, who were doing some repairs, left their tools during the +dinner-hour in the back-garden, and as I was marching about I +suddenly thought that to see whether one of these tools could +make a hole in the pipe would be attractive. It did make such a +hole, quite easily, and then the matter escaped my mind. But a +day or two afterwards, when my Father came in to dinner, he was +very angry. He had turned the tap, and instead of the fountain +arching at the summit, there had been a rush of water through a +hole at the foot. The rockery was absolutely ruined. + +Of course I realized in a moment what I had done, and I sat +frozen with alarm, waiting to be denounced. But my Mother +remarked on the visit of the plumbers two or three days before, +and my Father instantly took up the suggestion. No doubt that was +it; the mischievous fellows had thought it amusing to stab the +pipe and spoil the fountain. No suspicion fell on me; no question +was asked of me. I sat there, turned to stone within, but +outwardly sympathetic and with unchecked appetite. + +We attribute, I believe, too many moral ideas to little children. +It is obvious that in this tremendous juncture I ought to have +been urged forward by good instincts, or held back by naughty +ones. But I am sure that the fear which I experienced for a short +time, and which so unexpectedly melted away, was a purely +physical one. It had nothing to do with the motions of a contrite +heart. As to the destruction of the fountain, I was sorry about +that, for my own sake, since I admired the skipping water +extremely and had had no idea that I was spoiling its display. +But the emotions which now thronged within me, and which led me, +with an almost unwise alacrity, to seek solitude in the back- +garden, were not moral at all, they were intellectual. I was not +ashamed of having successfully--and so surprisingly--deceived my +parents by my crafty silence; I looked upon that as a +providential escape, and dismissed all further thought of it. I +had other things to think of. + +In the first place, the theory that my Father was omniscient or +infallible was now dead and buried. He probably knew very little; +in this case he had not known a fact of such importance that if +you did not know that, it could hardly matter what you knew. My +Father, as a deity, as a natural force of immense prestige, fell +in my eyes to a human level. In future, his statements about +things in general need not be accepted implicitly. But of all the +thoughts which rushed upon my savage and undeveloped little brain +at this crisis, the most curious was that I had found a companion +and a confidant in myself. There was a secret in this world and +it belonged to me and to a somebody who lived in the same body +with me. There were two of us, and we could talk with one +another. It is difficult to define impressions so rudimentary, +but it is certain that it was in this dual form that the sense of +my individuality now suddenly descended upon me, and it is +equally certain that it was a great solace to me to find a +sympathizer in my own breast. + +About this time, my Mother, carried away by the current of her +literary and her philanthropic work, left me more and more to my +own devices. She was seized with a great enthusiasm; as one of +her admirers and disciples has written, 'she went on her way, +sowing beside all waters'. I would not for a moment let it be +supposed that I regard her as a Mrs. Jellyby, or that I think she +neglected me. But a remarkable work had opened up before her; +after her long years in a mental hermitage, she was drawn forth +into the clamorous harvest-field of souls. She developed an +unexpected gift of persuasion over strangers whom she met in the +omnibus or in the train, and with whom she courageously grappled. +This began by her noting, with deep humility and joy, that 'I +have reason to judge the sound conversion to God of three young +persons within a few weeks, by the instrumentality of my +conversations with them'. At the same time, as another of her +biographers has said, 'those testimonies to the Blood of Christ, +the fruits of her pen, began to be spread very widely, even to +the most distant parts of the globe'. My Father, too, was at this +time at the height of his activity. After breakfast, each of them +was amply occupied, perhaps until night-fall; our evenings we +still always spent together. Sometimes my Mother took me with her +on her 'unknown day's employ'; I recollect pleasant rambles +through the City by her side, and the act of looking up at her +figure soaring above me. But when all was done, I had hours and +hours of complete solitude, in my Father's study, in the back- +garden, above all in the garret. + +The garret was a fairy place. It was a low lean-to, lighted from +the roof. It was wholly unfurnished, except for two objects, an +ancient hat-box and a still more ancient skin-trunk. The hat-box +puzzled me extremely, till one day, asking my Father what it was, +I got a distracted answer which led me to believe that it was +itself a sort of hat, and I made a laborious but repeated effort +to wear it. The skin-trunk was absolutely empty, but the inside +of the lid of it was lined with sheets of what I now know to have +been a sensational novel. It was, of course, a fragment, but I +read it, kneeling on the bare floor, with indescribable rapture. +It will be recollected that the idea of fiction, of a +deliberately invented story, had been kept from me with entire +success. I therefore implicitly believed the tale in the lid of +the trunk to be a true account of the sorrows of a lady of title, +who had to flee the country, and who was pursued into foreign +lands by enemies bent upon her ruin. Somebody had an interview +with a 'minion' in a 'mask'; I went downstairs and looked up +these words in Bailey's English Dictionary, but was left in +darkness as to what they had to do with the lady of title. This +ridiculous fragment filled me with delicious fears; I fancied +that my Mother, who was out so much, might be threatened by +dangers of the same sort; and the fact that the narrative came +abruptly to an end, in the middle of one of its most thrilling +sentences, wound me up almost to a disorder of wonder and +romance. + +The preoccupation of my parents threw me more and more upon my +own resources. But what are the resources of a solitary child of +six? I was never inclined to make friends with servants, nor did +our successive maids proffer, so far as I recollect, any +advances. Perhaps, with my 'dedication' and my grown-up ways of +talking, I did not seem to them at all an attractive little boy. +I continued to have no companions, or even acquaintances of my +own age. I am unable to recollect exchanging two words with +another child till after my Mother's death. + +The abundant energy which my Mother now threw into her public +work did not affect the quietude of our private life. We had some +visitors in the daytime, people who came to consult one parent +or the other. But they never stayed to a meal, and we never +returned their visits. I do not quite know how it was that +neither of my parents took me to any of the sights of London, +although I am sure it was a question of principle with them. +Notwithstanding all our study of natural history, I was never +introduced to live wild beasts at the Zoo, nor to dead ones at +the British Museum. I can understand better why we never visited +a picture-gallery or a concert-room. So far as I can recollect, +the only time I was ever taken to any place of entertainment was +when my Father and I paid a visit, long anticipated, to the Great +Globe in Leicester Square. This was a huge structure, the +interior of which one ascended by means of a spiral staircase. It +was a poor affair; that was concave in it which should have been +convex, and my imagination was deeply affronted. I could invent a +far better Great Globe than that in my mind's eye in the garret. + +Being so restricted, then, and yet so active, my mind took refuge +in an infantile species of natural magic. This contended with the +definite ideas of religion which my parents were continuing, with +too mechanical a persistency, to force into my nature, and it ran +parallel with them. I formed strange superstitions, which I can +only render intelligible by naming some concrete examples. I +persuaded myself that, if I could only discover the proper words +to say or the proper passes to make, I could induce the gorgeous +birds and butterflies in my Father's illustrated manuals to come +to life, and fly out of the book, leaving holes behind them. I +believed that, when, at the Chapel, we sang, drearily and slowly, +loud hymns of experience and humiliation, I could boom forth with +a sound equal to that of dozens of singers, if I could only hit +upon the formula. During morning and evening prayers, which were +extremely lengthy and fatiguing, I fancied that one of my two +selves could flit up, and sit clinging to the cornice, and look +down on my other self and the rest of us, if I could only find +the key. I laboured for hours in search of these formulas, +thinking to compass my ends by means absolutely irrational. For +example, I was convinced that if I could only count consecutive +numbers long enough, without losing one, I should suddenly, on +reaching some far-distant figure, find myself in possession of +the great secret. I feel quite sure that nothing external +suggested these ideas of magic, and I think it probable that they +approached the ideas of savages at a very early stage of +development. + +All this ferment of mind was entirely unobserved by my parents. +But when I formed the belief that it was necessary, for the +success of my practical magic, that I should hurt myself, and +when, as a matter of fact, I began, in extreme secrecy, to run +pins into my flesh and bang my joints with books, no one will be +surprised to hear that my Mother's attention was drawn to the +fact that I was looking 'delicate'. The notice nowadays +universally given to the hygienic rules of life was rare fifty +years ago and among deeply religious people, in particular, +fatalistic views of disease prevailed. If anyone was ill, it +showed that 'the Lord's hand was extended in chastisement', and +much prayer was poured forth in order that it might be explained +to the sufferer, or to his relations, in what he or they had +sinned. People would, for instance, go on living over a cess- +pool, working themselves up into an agony to discover how they +had incurred the displeasure of the Lord, but never moving away. +As I became very pale and nervous, and slept badly at nights, +with visions and loud screams in my sleep, I was taken to a +physician, who stripped me and tapped me all over (this gave me +some valuable hints for my magical practices), but could find +nothing the matter. He recommended,--whatever physicians in such +cases always recommend,--but nothing was done. If I was feeble it +was the Lord's will, and we must acquiesce. + +It culminated in a sort of fit of hysterics, when I lost all +self-control, and sobbed with tears, and banged my head on the +table. While this was proceeding, I was conscious of that dual +individuality of which I have already spoken, since while one +part of me gave way, and could not resist, the other part in some +extraordinary sense seemed standing aloof, much impressed. I was +alone with my Father when this crisis suddenly occurred, and I +was interested to see that he was greatly alarmed. It was a very +long time since we had spent a day out of London, and I said, on +being coaxed back to calmness, that I wanted 'to go into the +country'. Like the dying Falstaff, I babbled of green fields. My +Father, after a little reflection, proposed to take me to +Primrose Hill. I had never heard of the place, and names have +always appealed directly to my imagination. I was in the highest +degree delighted, and could hardly restrain my impatience. As +soon as possible we set forth westward, my hand in my Father's, +with the liveliest anticipations. I expected to see a mountain +absolutely carpeted with primroses, a terrestrial galaxy like +that which covered the hill that led up to Montgomery Castle in +Donne's poem. But at length, as we walked from the Chalk Farm +direction, a miserable acclivity stole into view--surrounded, +even in those days, on most sides by houses, with its grass worn +to the buff by millions of boots, and resembling what I meant by +'the country' about as much as Poplar resembles Paradise. We sat +down on a bench at its inglorious summit, whereupon I burst into +tears, and in a heart-rending whisper sobbed, 'Oh! Papa, let us +go home!' + +This was the lachrymose epoch in a career not otherwise given to +weeping, for I must tell one more tale of tears. About this +time,--the autumn of 1855,--my parents were disturbed more than +once in the twilight, after I had been put to bed, by shrieks +from my crib. They would rush up to my side, and find me in great +distress, but would be unable to discover the cause of it. The +fact was that I was half beside myself with ghostly fears, +increased and pointed by the fact that there had been some daring +burglaries on our street. Our servant-maid, who slept at the top +of the house, had seen, or thought she saw, upon a moonlight +night the figure of a crouching man, silhouetted against the sky, +slip down from the roof and leap into her room. She screamed, and +he fled away. Moreover, as if this were not enough for my tender +nerves, there had been committed a horrid murder at a baker's +shop just around the corner in the Caledonian Road, to which +murder actuality was given to us by the fact that my Mother had +been 'just thinking' of getting her bread from this shop. +Children, I think, were not spared the details of these affairs +fifty years ago; at least, I was not, and my nerves were a packet +of spilikins. + +But what made me scream at nights was that when my Mother had +tucked me up in bed, and had heard me say my prayer, and had +prayed aloud on her knees at my side, and had stolen downstairs-- +noises immediately began in the room. There was a rustling of +clothes, and a slapping of hands, and a gurgling, and a sniffing, +and a trotting. These horrible muffled sounds would go on, and +die away, and be resumed; I would pray very fervently to God to +save me from my enemies; and sometimes I would go to sleep. But +on other occasions, my faith and fortitude alike gave way, and I +screamed 'Mama! Mama!' Then would my parents come bounding up the +stairs, and comfort me, and kiss me, and assure me it was nothing. +And nothing it was while they were there, but no sooner had they +gone than the ghostly riot recommenced. It was at last discovered +by my Mother that the whole mischief was due to a card of framed +texts, fastened by one nail to the wall; this did nothing when +the bedroom door was shut, but when it was left open (in order that +my parents might hear me call), the card began to gallop in the +draught, and made the most intolerable noises. + +Several things tended at this time to alienate my conscience from +the line which my Father had so rigidly traced for it. The +question of the efficacy of prayer, which has puzzled wiser heads +than mine was, began to trouble me. It was insisted on in our +household that if anything was desired, you should not, as my +Mother said, 'lose any time in seeking for it, but ask God to +guide you to it'. In many junctures of life this is precisely +what, in sober fact, they did. I will not dwell here on their +theories, which my Mother put forth, with unflinching directness, +in her published writings. But I found that a difference was made +between my privileges in this matter and theirs, and this led to +many discussions. My patents said: 'Whatever you need, tell Him +and He will grant it, if it is His will.' Very well; I had need +of a large painted humming-top which I had seen in a shop-window +in the Caledonian Road. Accordingly, I introduced a supplication +for this object into my evening prayer, carefully adding the +words: 'If it is Thy will.' This, I recollect, placed my Mother +in a dilemma, and she consulted my Father. Taken, I suppose, at a +disadvantage, my Father told me I must not pray for 'things like +that'. To which I answered by another query, 'Why?' And I added +that he said we ought to pray for things we needed, and that I +needed the humming-top a great deal more than I did the conversion +of the heathen or the restitution of Jerusalem to the Jews, two +objects of my nightly supplication which left me very cold. + +I have reason to believe, looking back upon this scene conducted +by candlelight in the front parlour, that my Mother was much +baffled by the logic of my argument. She had gone so far as to +say publicly that no 'things or circumstances are too +insignificant to bring before the God of the whole earth'. I +persisted that this covered the case of the humming-top, which +was extremely significant to me. I noticed that she held aloof +from the discussion, which was carried on with some show of +annoyance by my Father. He had never gone quite so far as she did +in regard to this question of praying for material things. I am +not sure that she was convinced that I ought to have been +checked; but he could not help seeing that it reduced their +favourite theory to an absurdity for a small child to exercise +the privilege. He ceased to argue, and told me peremptorily that +it was not right for me to pray for things like humming-tops, and +that I must do it no more. His authority, of course, was Paramount, +and I yielded; but my faith in the efficacy of prayer was a good +deal shaken. The fatal suspicion had crossed my mind that the reason +why I was not to pray for the top was because it was too expensive +for my parents to buy, that being the usual excuse for not getting +things I wished for. + +It was about the date of my sixth birthday that I did something +very naughty, some act of direct disobedience, for which my +Father, after a solemn sermon, chastised me, sacrificially, by +giving me several cuts with a cane. This action was justified, as +everything he did was justified, by reference to Scripture 'Spare +the rod and spoil the child'. I suppose that there are some +children, of a sullen and lymphatic temperament, who are +smartened up and made more wide-awake by a whipping. It is +largely a matter of convention, the exercise being endured (I am +told) with pride by the infants of our aristocracy, but not +tolerated by the lower classes. I am afraid that I proved my +inherent vulgarity by being made, not contrite or humble, but +furiously angry by this caning. I cannot account for the flame of +rage which it awakened in my bosom. My dear, excellent Father had +beaten me, not very severely, without ill-temper, and with the +most genuine desire to improve me. But he was not well-advised +especially so far as the 'dedication to the Lord's service' was +concerned. This same 'dedication' had ministered to my vanity, +and there are some natures which are not improved by being +humiliated. I have to confess with shame that I went about the +house for some days with a murderous hatred of my Father locked +within my bosom. He did not suspect that the chastisement had not +been wholly efficacious, and he bore me no malice; so that after +a while, I forgot and thus forgave him. But I do not regard +physical punishment as a wise element in the education of proud +and sensitive children. + +My theological misdeeds culminated, however, in an act so puerile +and preposterous that I should not venture to record it if it did +not throw some glimmering of light on the subject which I have +proposed to myself in writing these pages. My mind continued to +dwell on the mysterious question of prayer. It puzzled me greatly +to know why, if we were God's children, and if he was watching +over us by night and day, we might not supplicate for toys and +sweets and smart clothes as well as for the conversion of the +heathen. Just at this juncture, we had a special service at the +Room, at which our attention was particularly called to what we +always spoke of as 'the field of missionary labour'. The East was +represented among 'the saints' by an excellent Irish peer, who +had, in his early youth, converted and married a lady of colour; +this Asiatic shared in our Sunday morning meetings, and was an +object of helpless terror to me; I shrank from her amiable +caresses, and vaguely identified her with a personage much spoken +of in our family circle, the 'Personal Devil'. + +All these matters drew my thoughts to the subject of idolatry, +which was severely censured at the missionary meeting. I cross- +examined my Father very closely as to the nature of this sin, and +pinned him down to the categorical statement that idolatry +consisted in praying to anyone or anything but God himself. Wood +and stone, in the words of the hymn, were peculiarly liable to be +bowed down to by the heathen in their blindness. I pressed my +Father further on this subject, and he assured me that God would +be very angry, and would signify His anger, if anyone, in a +Christian country, bowed down to wood and stone. I cannot recall +why I was so pertinacious on this subject, but I remember that my +Father became a little restive under my cross-examination. I +determined, however, to test the matter for myself, and one +morning, when both my parents were safely out of the house, I +prepared for the great act of heresy. I was in the morning-room +on the ground-floor, where, with much labour, I hoisted a small +chair on to the table close to the window. My heart was now +beating as if it would leap out of my side, but I pursued my +experiment. I knelt down on the carpet in front of the table and +looking up I said my daily prayer in a loud voice, only +substituting the address 'Oh Chair!' for the habitual one. + +Having carried this act of idolatry safely through, I waited to +see what would happen. It was a fine day, and I gazed up at the +slip of white sky above the houses opposite, and expected +something to appear in it. God would certainly exhibit his anger +in some terrible form, and would chastise my impious and willful +action. I was very much alarmed, but still more excited; I +breathed the high, sharp air of defiance. But nothing happened; +there was not a cloud in the sky, not an unusual sound in the +street. Presently, I was quite sure that nothing would happen. I +had committed idolatry, flagrantly and deliberately, and God did +not care. + +The result of this ridiculous act was not to make me question the +existence and power of God; those were forces which I did not +dream of ignoring. But what it did was to lessen still further my +confidence in my Father's knowledge of the Divine mind. My Father +had said, positively, that if I worshipped a thing made of wood, +God would manifest his anger. I had then worshipped a chair, made +(or partly made) of wood, and God had made no sign whatever. My +Father, therefore, was not really acquainted with the Divine +practice in cases of idolatry. And with that, dismissing the +subject, I dived again into the unplumbed depths of the Penny +Cyclopaedia. + +CHAPTER III + +THAT I might die in my early childhood was a thought which +frequently recurred to the mind of my Mother. She endeavoured, +with a Roman fortitude, to face it without apprehension. Soon +after I had completed my fifth year, she had written as follows +in her secret journal: + +'Should we be called on to weep over the early grave of the dear +one whom now we are endeavouring to train for heaven, may we be +able to remember that we never ceased to pray for and watch over +him. It is easy, comparatively, to watch over an infant. Yet +shall I be sufficient for these things? I am not. But God is +sufficient. In his strength I have begun the warfare, in his +strength I will persevere, and I will faint not until either I +myself or my little one is beyond the reach of earthly +solicitude.' + +That either she or I would be called away from earth, and that +our physical separation was at hand, seems to have been always +vaguely present in my Mother's dreams, as an obstinate conviction +to be carefully recognized and jealously guarded against. + +It was not, however, until the course of my seventh year that the +tragedy occurred, which altered the whole course of our family +existence. My Mother had hitherto seemed strong and in good +health; she had even made the remark to my Father, that 'sorrow +and pain, the badges of Christian discipleship', appeared to be +withheld from her. On her birthday, which was to be her last, she +had written these ejaculations in her locked diary: + +Lord, forgive the sins of the past, and help me to be faithful in +future! May this be a year of much blessing, a year of jubilee! +May I be kept lowly, trusting, loving! May I have more blessing +than in all former years combined! May I be happier as a wife, +mother, sister, writer, mistress, friend! + +But a symptom began to alarm her, and in the beginning of May, +having consulted a local physician without being satisfied, she +went to see a specialist in a northern suburb in whose judgement +she had great confidence. This occasion I recollect with extreme +vividness. I had been put to bed by my Father, in itself a +noteworthy event. My crib stood near a window overlooking the +street; my parents' ancient four-poster, a relic of the +eighteenth century, hid me from the door, but I could see the +rest of the room. After falling asleep on this particular +evening, I awoke silently, surprised to see two lighted candles +on the table, and my Father seated writing by them. I also saw a +little meal arranged. + +While I was wondering at all this, the door opened, and my Mother +entered the room; she emerged from behind the bed-curtains, with +her bonnet on, having returned from her expedition. My Father +rose hurriedly, pushing back his chair. There was a pause, while +my Mother seemed to be steadying her voice, and then she replied, +loudly and distinctly, 'He says it is--' and she mentioned one of +the most cruel maladies by which our poor mortal nature can be +tormented. Then I saw them hold one another in a silent long +embrace, and presently sink together out of sight on their knees, +at the farther side of the bed, whereupon my Father lifted up his +voice in prayer. Neither of them had noticed me, and now I lay +back on my pillow and fell asleep. + +Next morning, when we three sat at breakfast, my mind reverted to +the scene of the previous night. With my eyes on my plate, as I +was cutting up my food, I asked, casually, 'What is--?' +mentioning the disease whose unfamiliar name I had heard from my +bed. Receiving no reply, I looked up to discover why my question +was not answered, and I saw my parents gazing at each other with +lamentable eyes. In some way, I know not how, I was conscious of +the presence of an incommunicable mystery, and I kept silence, +though tortured with curiosity, nor did I ever repeat my inquiry. + +About a fortnight later, my Mother began to go three times a week +all the long way from Islington to Pimlico, in order to visit a +certain practitioner, who undertook to apply a special treatment +to her case. This involved great fatigue and distress to her, but +so far as I was personally concerned it did me a great deal of +good. I invariably accompanied her, and when she was very tired +and weak, I enjoyed the pride of believing that I protected her. +The movement, the exercise, the occupation, lifted my morbid +fears and superstitions like a cloud. The medical treatment to +which my poor Mother was subjected was very painful, and she had +a peculiar sensitiveness to pain. She carried on her evangelical +work as long as she possibly could, continuing to converse with +her fellow passengers on spiritual matters. It was wonderful that +a woman, so reserved and proud as she by nature was, could +conquer so completely her natural timidity. In those last months, +she scarcely ever got into a railway carriage or into an omnibus, +without presently offering tracts to the persons sitting within +reach of her, or endeavouring to begin a conversation with some +one of the sufficiency of the Blood of Jesus to cleanse the human +heart from sin. Her manners were so gentle and persuasive, she +looked so innocent, her small, sparkling features were lighted up +with so much benevolence, that I do not think she ever met with +discourtesy or roughness. Imitative imp that I was, I sometimes +took part in these strange conversations, and was mightily puffed +up by compliments paid, in whispers, to my infant piety. But my +Mother very properly discouraged this, as tending in me to +spiritual pride. + +If my parents, in their desire to separate themselves from the +world, had regretted that through their happiness they seemed to +have forfeited the Christian privilege of affliction, they could +not continue to complain of any absence of temporal adversity. +Everything seemed to combine, in the course of this fatal year +1856, to harass and alarm them. Just at the moment when illness +created a special drain upon their resources, their slender +income, instead of being increased, was seriously diminished. +There is little sympathy felt in this world of rhetoric for the +silent sufferings of the genteel poor, yet there is no class that +deserves a more charitable commiseration. + +At the best of times, the money which my parents had to spend was +an exiguous and an inelastic sum. Strictly economical, proud--in +an old-fashioned mode now quite out of fashion--to conceal the +fact of their poverty, painfully scrupulous to avoid giving +inconvenience to shop-people, tradesmen or servants, their whole +financial career had to be carried on with the adroitness of a +campaign through a hostile country. But now, at the moment when +fresh pressing claims were made on their resources, my Mother's +small capital suddenly disappeared. It had been placed, on bad +advice (they were as children in such matters), in a Cornish +mine, the grotesque name of which, Wheal Maria, became familiar +to my ears. One day the river Tamar, in a playful mood, broke +into Wheal Maria, and not a penny more was ever lifted from that +unfortunate enterprise. About the same time, a small annuity +which my Mother had inherited also ceased to be paid. + +On my Father's books and lectures, therefore, the whole weight +now rested, and that at a moment when he was depressed and +unnerved by anxiety. It was contrary to his principles to borrow +money, so that it became necessary to pay doctor's and chemist's +bills punctually, and yet to carry on the little household with +the very small margin. Each artifice of economy was now exercised +to enable this to be done without falling into debt, and every +branch of expenditure was cut down, clothes, books, the little +garden which was my Father's pride, all felt the pressure of new +poverty. Even our food, which had always been simple, now became +Spartan indeed, and I am sure that my Mother often pretended to +have no appetite that there might remain enough to satisfy my +hunger. Fortunately my Father was able to take us away in the +autumn for six weeks by the sea in Wales, the expenses of this +tour being paid for by a professional engagement, so that my +seventh birthday was spent in an ecstasy of happiness, on golden +sands, under a brilliant sky, and in sight of the glorious azure +ocean beating in from an infinitude of melting horizons. Here, +too, my Mother, perched in a nook of the high rocks, surveyed the +west, and forgot for a little while her weakness and the gnawing, +grinding pain. + +But in October, our sorrows seemed to close in upon us. We went +back to London, and for the first time in their married life, my +parents were divided. My Mother was now so seriously weaker that +the omnibus journeys to Pimlico became impossible. My Father +could not leave his work and so my Mother and I had to take a +gloomy lodging close to the doctor's house. The experiences upon +which I presently entered were of a nature in which childhood +rarely takes a part. I was now my Mother's sole and ceaseless +companion; the silent witness of her suffering, of her patience, +of her vain and delusive attempts to obtain alleviation of her +anguish. For nearly three months I breathed the atmosphere of +pain, saw no other light, heard no other sounds, thought no other +thoughts than those which accompany physical suffering and +weariness. To my memory these weeks seem years; I have no measure +of their monotony. The lodgings were bare and yet tawdry; out of +dingy windows we looked from a second storey upon a dull small +street, drowned in autumnal fog. My Father came to see us when he +could, but otherwise, save when we made our morning expedition to +the doctor, or when a slatternly girl waited upon us with our +distasteful meals, we were alone, without any other occupation +than to look forward to that occasional abatement of suffering +which was what we hoped for most. + +It is difficult for me to recollect how these interminable hours +were spent. But I read aloud in a great part of them. I have now +in my mind's cabinet a picture of my chair turned towards the +window, partly that I might see the book more distinctly, partly +not to see quite so distinctly that dear patient figure rocking +on her sofa, or leaning, like a funeral statue, like a muse upon +a monument, with her head on her arms against the mantelpiece. I +read the Bible every day, and at much length; also,--with I +cannot but think some praiseworthy patience,--a book of +incommunicable dreariness, called Newton's Thoughts on the +Apocalypse. Newton bore a great resemblance to my old aversion, +Jukes, and I made a sort of playful compact with my Mother that +if I read aloud a certain number of pages out of Thoughts on the +Apocalypse, as a reward I should be allowed to recite 'my own +favourite hymns'. Among these there was one which united her +suffrages with mine. Both of us extremely admired the piece by +Toplady which begins: + +What though my frail eyelids refuse +Continual watchings to keep, +And, punctual as midnight renews, +Demand the refreshment of sleep. + +To this day, I cannot repeat this hymn without a sense of +poignant emotion, nor can I pretend to decide how much of this is +due to its merit and how much to the peculiar nature of the +memories it recalls. But it might be as rude as I genuinely think +it to be skilful, and I should continue to regard it as a sacred +poem. Among all my childish memories none is clearer than my +looking up,--after reading, in my high treble, + +Kind Author and Ground of my hope, +Thee, Thee for my God I avow; +My glad Ebenezer set up, +And own Thou hast help'd me till now; +I muse on the years that are past, +Wherein my defence Thou hast prov'd, +Nor wilt Thou relinquish at last +A sinner so signally lov'd,-- + +and hearing my Mother, her eyes brimming with tears and her +alabastrine fingers tightly locked together, murmur in +unconscious repetition: + +Nor wilt Thou relinquish at last +A sinner so signally lov'd. + +In our lodgings at Pimlico I came across a piece of verse which +exercised a lasting influence on my taste. It was called 'The +Cameronian's Dream', and it had been written by a certain James +Hyslop, a schoolmaster on a man-of-war. I do not know how it came +into my possession, but I remember it was adorned by an extremely +dim and ill-executed wood-cut of a lake surrounded by mountains, +with tombstones in the foreground. This lugubrious frontispiece +positively fascinated me, and lent a further gloomy charm to the +ballad itself. It was in this copy of mediocre verses that the +sense of romance first appealed to me, the kind of nature-romance +which is connected with hills, and lakes, and the picturesque +costumes of old times. The following stanza, for instance, +brought a revelation to me: + +'Twas a dream of those ages of darkness and blood, +When the minister's home was the mountain and wood; +When in Wellwood's dark valley the standard of Zion, +All bloody and torn, 'mong the heather was lying. + +I persuaded my Mother to explain to me what it was all about, and +she told me of the affliction of the Scottish saints, their +flight to the waters and the wilderness, their cruel murder while +they were singing 'their last song to the God of Salvation'. I +was greatly fired, and the following stanza, in particular, +reached my ideal of the Sublime: + +The muskets were flashing, the blue swords were gleaming, +The helmets were cleft, and the red blood was streaming, +The heavens grew dark, and the thunder was rolling, +When in Wellwood's dark muirlands the mighty were falling. + +Twenty years later I met with the only other person whom I have +ever encountered who had even heard of 'The Cameronian's Dream'. +This was Robert Louis Stevenson, who had been greatly struck by +it when he was about my age. Probably the same ephemeral edition +of it reached, at the same time, each of our pious households. + +As my Mother's illness progressed, she could neither sleep, save +by the use of opiates, nor rest, except in a sloping posture, +propped up by many pillows. It was my great joy, and a pleasant +diversion, to be allowed to shift, beat up, and rearrange these +pillows, a task which I learned to accomplish not too awkwardly. +Her sufferings, I believe, were principally caused by the +violence of the medicaments to which her doctor, who was trying a +new and fantastic 'cure', thought it proper to subject her. Let +those who take a pessimistic view of our social progress ask +themselves whether such tortures could today be inflicted on a +delicate patient, or whether that patient would be allowed to +exist, in the greatest misery in a lodging with no professional +nurse to wait upon her, and with no companion but a little +helpless boy of seven years of age. Time passes smoothly and +swiftly, and we do not perceive the mitigations which he brings +in his hands. Everywhere, in the whole system of human life, +improvements, alleviations, ingenious appliances and humane +inventions are being introduced to lessen the great burden of +suffering. + +If we were suddenly transplanted into the world of only fifty +years ago, we should be startled and even horror-stricken by the +wretchedness to which the step backwards would reintroduce us. It +was in the very year of which I am speaking, a year of which my +personal memories are still vivid, that Sir James Simpson +received the Monthyon prize as a recognition of his discovery of +the use of anaesthetics. Can our thoughts embrace the mitigation +of human torment which the application of chloroform alone has +caused? My early experiences, I confess, made me singularly +conscious, at an age when one should know nothing about these +things, of that torrent of sorrow and anguish and terror which +flows under all footsteps of man. Within my childish conscience, +already, some dim inquiry was awake as to the meaning of this +mystery of pain-- + +The floods of the tears meet and gather; +The sound of them all grows like thunder; +Oh into what bosom, I wonder, +Is poured the whole sorrow of years? +For Eternity only seems keeping +Account of the great human weeping; +May God then, the Maker and Father, +May He find a place for the tears! + +In my Mother's case, the savage treatment did no good; it had to +be abandoned, and a day or two before Christmas, while the fruits +were piled in the shop-fronts and the butchers were shouting +outside their forests of carcases, my Father brought us back in a +cab through the streets to Islington, a feeble and languishing +company. Our invalid bore the journey fairly well, enjoying the +air, and pointing out to me the glittering evidences of the +season, but we paid heavily for her little entertainment, since, +at her earnest wish the window of the cab having been kept open, +she caught a cold, which became, indeed, the technical cause of a +death that no applications could now have long delayed. + +Yet she lingered with us six weeks more, and during this time I +again relapsed, very naturally, into solitude. She now had the +care of a practised woman, one of the 'saints' from the Chapel, +and I was only permitted to pay brief visits to her bedside. That +I might not be kept indoors all day and everyday, a man, also +connected with the meeting-house, was paid a trifle to take me +out for a walk each morning. This person, who was by turns +familiar and truculent, was the object of my intense dislike. Our +relations became, in the truest sense, 'forced'; I was obliged to +walk by his side, but I held that I had no further responsibility +to be agreeable, and after a while I ceased to speak to him, or +to answer his remarks. On one occasion, poor dreary man, he met a +friend and stopped to chat with him. I considered this act to +have dissolved the bond; I skipped lightly from his side, +examined several shop-windows which I had been forbidden to look +into, made several darts down courts and up passages, and +finally, after a delightful morning, returned home, having known +my directions perfectly. My official conductor, in a shocking +condition of fear, was crouching by the area-rails looking up and +down the street. He darted upon me, in a great rage, to know +'what I meant by it?' I drew myself up as tall as I could, hissed +'Blind leader of the blind!' at him, and, with this inappropriate +but very effective Parthian shot, slipped into the house. + +When it was quite certain that no alleviations and no medical +care could prevent, or even any longer postpone the departure of +my Mother, I believe that my future conduct became the object of +her greatest and her most painful solicitude. She said to my +Father that the worst trial of her faith came from the feeling +that she was called upon to leave that child whom she had so +carefully trained from his earliest infancy for the peculiar +service of the Lord, without any knowledge of what his further +course would be. In many conversations, she most tenderly and +closely urged my Father, who, however, needed no urging, to watch +with unceasing care over my spiritual welfare. As she grew nearer +her end, it was observed that she became calmer, and less +troubled by fears about me. The intensity of her prayers and +hopes seemed to have a prevailing force; it would have been a sin +to doubt that such supplications, such confidence and devotion, +such an emphasis of will, should not be rewarded by an answer +from above in the affirmative. She was able, she said, to leave +me 'in the hands of her loving Lord', or, on another occasion, +'to the care of her covenant God'. + +Although her faith was so strong and simple, my Mother possessed +no quality of the mystic. She never pretended to any visionary +gifts, believed not at all in dreams or portents, and encouraged +nothing in herself or others which was superstitious or +fantastic. In order to realize her condition of mind, it is +necessary, I think, to accept the view that she had formed a +definite conception of the absolute, unmodified and historical +veracity, in its direct and obvious sense, of every statement +contained within the covers of the Bible. For her, and for my +Father, nothing was symbolic, nothing allegorical or allusive in +any part of Scripture, except what was, in so many words, +proffered as a parable or a picture. Pushing this to its extreme +limit, and allowing nothing for the changes of scene or time or +race, my parents read injunctions to the Corinthian converts +without any suspicion that what was apposite in dealing with +half-breed Achaian colonists of the first century might not +exactly apply to respectable English men and women of the +nineteenth. They took it, text by text, as if no sort of +difference existed between the surroundings of Trimalchion's +feast and those of a City dinner. Both my parents, I think, were +devoid of sympathetic imagination; in my Father, I am sure, it +was singularly absent. Hence, although their faith was so +strenuous that many persons might have called it fanatical, there +was no mysticism about them. They went rather to the opposite +extreme, to the cultivation of a rigid and iconoclastic +literalness. + +This was curiously exemplified in the very lively interest which +they both took in what is called 'the interpretation of +prophecy', and particularly in unwrapping the dark sayings bound +up in the Book of Revelation. In their impartial survey of the +Bible, they came to this collection of solemn and splendid +visions, sinister and obscure, and they had no intention of +allowing these to be merely stimulating to the fancy, or vaguely +doctrinal in symbol. When they read of seals broken and of vials +poured forth, of the star which was called Wormwood that fell +from Heaven, and of men whose hair was as the hair of women and +their teeth as the teeth of lions, they did not admit for a +moment that these vivid mental pictures were of a poetic +character, but they regarded them as positive statements, in +guarded language, describing events which were to happen, and +could be recognized when they did happen. It was the explanation, +the perfectly prosaic and positive explanation, of all these +wonders which drew them to study the Habershons and the Newtons +whose books they so much enjoyed. They were helped by these +guides to recognize in wild Oriental visions direct statements +regarding Napoleon III and Pope Pius IX and the King of Piedmont, +historic figures which they conceived as foreshadowed, in +language which admitted of plain interpretation, under the names +of denizens of Babylon and companions of the Wild Beast. + +My Father was in the habit of saying, in later years, that no +small element in his wedded happiness had been the fact that my +Mother and he were of one mind in the interpretation of Sacred +Prophecy. Looking back, it appears to me that this unusual mental +exercise was almost their only relaxation, and that in their +economy it took the place which is taken, in profaner families, +by cards or the piano. It was a distraction; it took them +completely out of themselves. During those melancholy weeks at +Pimlico, I read aloud another work of the same nature as those of +Habershon and Jukes, the Horae Apocalyptícae of a Mr Elliott. +This was written, I think, in a less disagreeable style, and +certainly it was less opaquely obscure to me. My recollection +distinctly is that when my Mother could endure nothing else, the +arguments of this book took her thoughts away from her pain and +lifted her spirits. Elliott saw 'the queenly arrogance of Popery' +everywhere, and believed that the very last days of Babylon the +Great were came. Lest I say what may be thought extravagant, let +me quote what my Father wrote in his diary at the time of my +Mother's death. He said that the thought that Rome was doomed (as +seemed not impossible in 1857) so affected my Mother that it +'irradiated' her dying hours with an assurance that was like 'the +light of the Morning Star, the harbinger of the rising sun'. + +After our return to Islington, there was a complete change in my +relation to my Mother. At Pimlico, I had been all-important, her +only companion, her friend, her confidant. But now that she was +at home again, people and things combined to separate me from +her. Now, and for the first time in my life, I no longer slept in +her room, no longer sank to sleep under her kiss, no longer saw +her mild eyes smile on me with the earliest sunshine. Twice a +day, after breakfast and before I went to rest, I was brought to +her bedside; but we were never alone; other people, sometimes +strange people, were there. We had no cosy talk; often she was +too weak to do more than pat my hand; her loud and almost +constant cough terrified and harassed me. I felt, as I stood, +awkwardly and shyly, by her high bed, that I had shrunken into a +very small and insignificant figure, that she was floating out of +my reach, that all things, but I knew not what nor how, were +corning to an end. She herself was not herself; her head, that +used to be held so erect, now rolled or sank upon the pillow; the +sparkle was all extinguished from those bright, dear eyes. I +could not understand it; I meditated long, long upon it all in my +infantile darkness, in the garret, or in the little slip of a +cold room where my bed was now placed; and a great, blind anger +against I knew not what awakened in my soul. + +The two retreats which I have mentioned were now all that were +left to me. In the back-parlour someone from outside gave me +occasional lessons of a desultory character. The breakfast-room +was often haunted by visitors, unknown to me by face or name,-- +ladies, who used to pity me and even to pet me, until I became +nimble in escaping from their caresses. Everything seemed to be +unfixed, uncertain; it was like being on the platform of a +railway-station waiting for a train. In all this time, the +agitated, nervous presence of my Father, whose pale face was +permanently drawn with anxiety, added to my perturbation, and I +became miserable, stupid-- as if I had lost my way in a cold fog. + +Had I been older and more intelligent, of course, it might have +been of him and not of myself that I should have been thinking. +As I now look back upon that tragic time, it is for him that my +heart bleeds,--for them both, so singularly fitted as they were +to support and cheer one another in an existence which their own +innate and cultivated characteristics had made little hospitable +to other sources of comfort. This is not to be dwelt on here. But +what must be recorded was the extraordinary tranquillity, the +serene and sensible resignation, with which at length my parents +faced the awful hour. Language cannot utter what they suffered, +but there was no rebellion, no repining; in their case even an +atheist might admit that the overpowering miracle of grace was +mightily efficient. + +It seems almost cruel to the memory of their opinions that the +only words which rise to my mind, the only ones which seem in the +least degree adequate to describe the attitude of my parents, had +fallen from the pen of one whom, in their want of imaginative +sympathy, they had regarded as anathema. But John Henry Newman +might have come from the contemplation of my Mother's death-bed +when he wrote: 'All the trouble which the world inflicts upon us, +and which flesh cannot but feel,--sorrow, pain, care, +bereavement,--these avail not to disturb the tranquillity and the +intensity with which faith gazes at the Divine Majesty.' It was +'tranquillity', it was not the rapture of the mystic. Almost in +the last hour of her life, urged to confess her 'joy' in the +Lord, my Mother, rigidly honest, meticulous in self-analysis, as +ever, replied: 'I have peace, but not joy. It would not do to go +into eternity with a lie in my mouth.' + +When the very end approached, and her mind was growing clouded, +she gathered her strength together to say to my Father, 'I shall +walk with Him in white. Won't you take your lamb and walk with +me?' Confused with sorrow and alarm, my Father failed to +understand her meaning. She became agitated, and she repeated two +or three times: 'Take our lamb, and walk with me!' Then my Father +comprehended, and pressed me forward; her hand fell softly upon +mine and she seemed content. Thus was my dedication, that had +begun in my cradle, sealed with the most solemn, the most +poignant and irresistible insistence, at the death-bed of the +holiest and purest of women. But what a weight, intolerable as +the burden of Atlas, to lay on the shoulders of a little fragile +child! + + + +CHAPTER IV + +CERTAINLY the preceding year, the seventh of my life, had been +weighted for us with comprehensive disaster. I have not yet +mentioned that, at the beginning of my Mother's fatal illness, +misfortune came upon her brothers. I have never known the +particulars of their ruin, but, I believe in consequence of A.'s +unsuccessful speculations, and of the fact that E. had allowed +the use of his name as a surety, both my uncles were obliged to +fly from their creditors, and take refuge in Paris. This happened +just when our need was the sorest, and this, together with the +poignancy of knowing that their sister's devoted labours for them +had been all in vain, added to their unhappiness. It was +doubtless also the reason why, having left England, they wrote to +us no more, carefully concealing from us even their address, so +that when my Mother died, my Father was unable to communicate +with them. I fear that they fell into dire distress; before very +long we learned that A. had died, but it was fifteen years more +before we heard anything of E., whose life had at length been +preserved by the kindness of an old servant, but whose mind was +now so clouded that he could recollect little or nothing of the +past; and soon he also died. Amiable, gentle, without any species +of practical ability, they were quite unfitted to struggle with +the world, which had touched them only to wreck them. + +The flight of my uncles at this particular juncture left me +without a relative on my Mother's side at the time of her death. +This isolation threw my Father into a sad perplexity. His only +obvious source of income--but it happened to be a remarkably +hopeful one--was an engagement to deliver a long series of +lectures on marine natural history throughout the north and +centre of England. These lectures were an entire novelty; nothing +like them had been offered to the provincial public before; and +the fact that the newly-invented marine aquarium was the +fashionable toy of the moment added to their attraction. My +Father was bowed down by sorrow and care, but he was not broken. +His intellectual forces were at their height, and so was his +popularity as an author. The lectures were to begin in march; my +Mother was buried on 13 February. It seemed at first, in the +inertia of bereavement, to be all beyond his powers to make the +supreme effort, but the wholesome prick of need urged him on. It +was a question of paying for food and clothes, of keeping a roof +above our heads. The captain of a vessel in a storm must navigate +his ship, although his wife lies dead in the cabin. That was my +Father's position in the spring of 1857; he had to stimulate, +instruct, amuse large audiences of strangers, and seem gay, +although affliction and loneliness had settled in his heart. He +had to do this, or starve. + +But the difficulty still remained. During these months what was +to become of me? My Father could not take me with him from hotel +to hotel and from lecture-hall to lecture-hall. Nor could he +leave me, as people leave the domestic cat, in an empty house for +the neighbours to feed at intervals. The dilemma threatened to be +insurmountable, when suddenly there descended upon us a kind, but +little-known, paternal cousin from the west of England, who had +heard of our calamities. This lady had a large family of her own +at Bristol; she offered to find room in it for me so long as ever +my Father should be away in the north; and when my Father, +bewildered by so much goodness, hesitated, she came up to London +and carried me forcibly away in a whirlwind of good-nature. Her +benevolence was quite spontaneous; and I am not sure that she had +not added to it already by helping to nurse our beloved sufferer +through part of her illness. Of that I am not positive, but I +recollect very clearly her snatching me from our cold and +desolate hearthstone, and carrying me off to her cheerful house +at Clifton. + +Here, for the first time, when half through my eighth year, I was +thrown into the society of young people. My cousins were none of +them, I believe, any longer children, but they were youths and +maidens busily engaged in various personal interests, all +collected in a hive of wholesome family energy. Everybody was +very kind to me, and I sank back, after the strain of so many +months, into mere childhood again. This long visit to my cousins +at Clifton must have been very delightful; I am dimly aware that +it was-- yet I remember but few of its incidents. My memory, so +clear and vivid about earlier solitary times, now in all this +society becomes blurred and vague. I recollect certain pleasures; +being taken, for instance, to a menagerie, and having a practical +joke, in the worst taste, played upon me by the pelican. One of +my cousins, who was a medical student, showed me a pistol, and +helped me to fire it; he smoked a pipe, and I was oddly conscious +that both the firearm and the tobacco were definitely hostile to +my 'dedication'. My girl-cousins took turns in putting me to bed, +and on cold nights, or when they were in a hurry, allowed me to +say my prayer under the bed-clothes instead of kneeling at a +chair. The result of this was further spiritual laxity, because I +could not help going to sleep before the prayer was ended. + +The visit to Clifton was, in fact, a blessed interval in my +strenuous childhood. It probably prevented my nerves from +breaking down under the pressure of the previous months. The +Clifton family was God-fearing, in a quiet, sensible way, but +there was a total absence of all the intensity and compulsion of +our religious life at Islington. I was not encouraged--I even +remember that I was gently snubbed--when I rattled forth, parrot- +fashion, the conventional phraseology of 'the saints'. For a +short, enchanting period of respite, I lived the life of an +ordinary little boy, relapsing, to a degree which would have +filled my Father with despair, into childish thoughts and +childish language. The result was that of this little happy +breathing-space I have nothing to report. Vague, half-blind +remembrances of walks, with my tall cousins waving like trees +above me, pleasant noisy evenings in a great room on the ground- +floor, faint silver-points of excursions into the country, all +this is the very pale and shadowy testimony to a brief interval +of healthy, happy child-life, when my hard-driven soul was +allowed to have, for a little while, no history. + +The life of a child is so brief, its impressions are so illusory +and fugitive, that it is as difficult to record its history as it +would be to design a morning cloud sailing before the wind. It is +short, as we count shortness in after years, when the drag of +lead pulls down to earth the foot that used to flutter with a +winged impetuosity, and to float with the pulse of Hermes. But in +memory, my childhood was long, long with interminable hours, +hours with the pale cheek pressed against the windowpane, hours +of mechanical and repeated lonely 'games', which had lost their +savour, and were kept going by sheer inertness. Not unhappy, not +fretful, but long,--long, long. It seems to me, as I look back to +the life in the motherless Islington house, as I resumed it in +that slow eighth year of my life, that time had ceased to move. +There was a whole age between one tick of the eight-day clock in +the hall, and the next tick. When the milkman went his rounds in +our grey street, with his eldritch scream over the top of each +set of area railings, it seemed as though he would never +disappear again. There was no past and no future for me, and the +present felt as though it were sealed up in a Leyden jar. Even my +dreams were interminable, and hung stationary from the nightly +sky. + +At this time, the street was my theatre, and I spent long +periods, as I have said, leaning against the window. I feel now +that coldness of the pane, and the feverish heat that was +produced, by contrast, in the orbit round the eye. Now and then +amusing things happened. The onion-man was a joy long waited for. +This worthy was a tall and bony Jersey Protestant with a raucous +voice, who strode up our street several times a week, carrying a +yoke across his shoulders, from the ends of which hung ropes of +onions. He used to shout, at abrupt intervals, in a tone which +might wake the dead: + +Here's your rope . . . . +To hang the Pope . . . . +And a penn'orth of cheese to choke him. + +The cheese appeared to be legendary; he sold only onions. My +Father did not eat onions, but he encouraged this terrible +fellow, with his wild eyes and long strips of hair, because of +his godly attitude towards the 'Papacy', and I used to watch him +dart out of the front door, present his penny, and retire, +graciously waving back the proffered onion. On the other hand, my +Father did not approve of a fat sailor, who was a constant +passer-by. This man, who was probably crazed, used to wall very +slowly up the centre of our street, vociferating with the voice +of a bull, + +Wa-a-atch and pray-hay! +Night and day-hay! + +This melancholy admonition was the entire business of his life. +He did nothing at all but walk up and down the streets of +Islington exhorting the inhabitants to watch and pray. I do not +recollect that this sailor-man stopped to collect pennies, and my +impression is that he was, after his fashion, a volunteer +evangelist. + +The tragedy of Mr. Punch was another, and a still greater +delight. I was never allowed to go out into the street to mingle +with the little crowd which gathered under the stage, and as I +was extremely near-sighted, the impression I received was vague. +But when, by happy chance, the show stopped opposite our door, I +saw enough of that ancient drama to be thrilled with terror and +delight. I was much affected by the internal troubles of the +Punch family; I thought that with a little more tact on the part +of Mrs. Punch and some restraint held over a temper, naturally +violent, by Mr. Punch, a great deal of this sad misunderstanding +might have been prevented. + +The momentous close, when a figure of shapeless horror appears on +the stage, and quells the hitherto undaunted Mr. Punch, was to me +the bouquet of the entire performance. When Mr Punch, losing his +nerve, points to this shape and says in an awestruck, squeaking +whisper, ' Who's that? Is it the butcher? and the stern answer +comes, 'No, Mr. Punch!' And then, 'Is it the baker?" No, Mr. +Punch! "Who is it then?' (this in a squeak trembling with emotion +and terror); and then the full, loud reply, booming like a +judgement-bell, 'It is the Devil come to take you down to Hell,' +and the form of Punch, with kicking legs, sunken in epilepsy on +the floor, --all this was solemn and exquisite to me beyond +words. I was not amused-- I was deeply moved and exhilarated, +'purged', as the old phrase hath it, 'with pity and terror'. + +Another joy, in a lighter key, was watching a fantastic old man +who came slowly up the street, hung about with drums and flutes +and kites and coloured balls, and bearing over his shoulders a +great sack. Children and servant-girls used to bolt up out of +areas, and chaffer with this gaudy person, who would presently +trudge on, always repeating the same set of words-- + +Here's your toys +For girls and boys, +For bits of brass +And broken glass, +(these four lines being spoken in a breathless hurry) +A penny or a vial-bottell . . . . +(this being drawled out in an endless wail). + +I was not permitted to go forth and trade with this old person, +but sometimes our servant-maid did, thereby making me feel that +if I did not hold the rose of merchandise, I was very near it. My +experiences with my cousins at Clifton had given me the habit of +looking out into the world-- even though it was only into the +pale world of our quiet street. + +My Father and I were now great friends. I do not doubt that he +felt his responsibility to fill as far as might be the gap which +the death of my Mother had made in my existence. I spent a large +portion of my time in his study while he was writing or drawing, +and though very little conversation passed between us, I think +that each enjoyed the companionship of the other. Them were two, +and sometimes three aquaria in the room, tanks of sea-water, with +glass sides, inside which all sorts of creatures crawled and +swam; these were sources of endless pleasure to me, and at this +time began to be laid upon me the occasional task of watching and +afterwards reporting the habits of animals. + +At other times, I dragged a folio volume of the Penny Cyclopaedia +up to the study with me, and sat there reading successive +articles on such subjects as Parrots, Parthians, Passion-flowers, +Passover and Pastry, without any invidious preferences, all +information being equally welcome, and equally fugitive. That +something of all this loose stream of knowledge clung to odd +cells of the back of my brain seems to be shown by the fact that +to this day, I occasionally find myself aware of some stray +useless fact about peonies or pemmican or pepper, which I can +only trace back to the Penny Cyclopaedia of my infancy. + +It will be asked what the attitude of my Father's mind was to me, +and of mine to his, as regards religion, at this time, when we +were thrown together alone so much. It is difficult to reply with +exactitude. But so far as the former is concerned, I thinly that +the extreme violence of the spiritual emotions to which my Father +had been subjected, had now been followed by a certain reaction. +He had not changed his views in any respect, and he was prepared +to work out the results of them with greater zeal than ever, but +just at present his religious nature, like his physical nature, +was tired out with anxiety and sorrow. Ho accepted the +supposition that I was entirely with him in all respects, so far, +that is to say, as a being so rudimentary and feeble as a little +child could be. My Mother, in her last hours, had dwelt on our +unity in God; we were drawn together, she said, elect from the +world, in a triplicity of faith and joy. She had constantly +repeated the words: 'We shall be one family, one song. One song! +one family!' My Father, I think, accepted this as a prophecy, he +felt no doubt of our triple unity; my Mother had now merely +passed before us, through a door, into a world of light, where we +should presently join her, where all things would be radiant and +blissful, but where we three would, in some unknown way, be +particularly drawn together in a tie of inexpressible beatitude. +He fretted at the delay; he would have taken me by the hand, and +have joined her in the realms of holiness and light, at once, +without this dreary dalliance with earthly cares. + +He held this confidence and vision steadily before him, but +nothing availed against the melancholy of his natural state. He +was conscious of his dull and solitary condition, and he saw, +too, that it enveloped me. I think his heart was, at this time, +drawn out towards me in an immense tenderness. Sometimes, when +the early twilight descended upon us in the study, and he could +no longer peer with advantage into the depths of his microscope, +he would beckon me to him silently, and fold me closely in his +arms. I used to turn my face up to his, patiently and +wonderingly, while the large, unwilling tears gathered in the +corners of his eyelids. My training had given me a preternatural +faculty of stillness, and we would stay so, without a word or a +movement, until the darkness filled the room. And then, with my +little hand in his, we would walk sedately downstairs to the +parlour, where we would find that the lamp was lighted, and that +our melancholy vigil was ended. I do not think that at any part +of our lives my Father and I were drawn so close to one another +as we were in that summer of 1857. Yet we seldom spoke of what +lay so warm and fragrant between us, the flower-like thought of +our Departed. + +The visit to my cousins had made one considerable change in me. +Under the old solitary discipline, my intelligence had grown at +the expense of my sentiment. I was innocent, but inhuman. The +long suffering and the death of my Mother had awakened my heart, +had taught me what pain was, but had left me savage and morose. I +had still no idea of the relations of human beings to one +another; I had learned no word of that philosophy which comes to +the children of the poor in the struggle of the street and to the +children of the well-to-do in the clash of the nursery. In other +words, I had no humanity; I had been carefully shielded from the +chance of 'catching' it, as though it were the most dangerous of +microbes. But now that I had enjoyed a little of the common +experience of childhood, a great change had come upon me. Before +I went to Clifton, my mental life was all interior, a rack of +baseless dream upon dream. But, now, I was eager to look out of +the window, to go out in the streets; I was taken with a +curiosity about human life. Even from my vantage of the window- +pane, I watched boys and girls go by with an interest which began +to be almost wistful. + +Still I continued to have no young companions. But on summer +evenings I used to drag my Father out, taking the initiative +myself, stamping in playful impatience at his irresolution, +fetching his hat and stick, and waiting. We used to sally forth +at last together, hand in hand, descending the Caledonian Road, +with all its shops, as far as Mother Shipton, or else winding +among the semi-genteel squares and terraces westward by +Copenhagen Street, or, best of all, mounting to the Regent's +Canal, where we paused to lean over the bridge and watch +flotillas of ducks steer under us, or little white dogs dash, +impotently furious, from stem to stern of the great, lazy barges +painted in a crude vehemence of vermilion and azure. These were +happy hours, when the spectre of Religion ceased to overshadow us +for a little while, when my Father forgot the Apocalypse and +dropped his austere phraseology, and when our bass and treble +voices used to ring out together over some foolish little jest or +some mirthful recollection of his past experiences. Little soft +oases these, in the hard desert of our sandy spiritual life at +home. + +There was an unbending, too, when we used to sing together, in my +case very tunelessly. I had inherited a plentiful lack of musical +genius from my Mother, who had neither ear nor voice, and who had +said, in the course of her last illness, 'I shall sing His +praise, at length, in strains I never could master here below'. +My Father, on the other hand, had some knowledge of the +principles of vocal music, although not, I am afraid, much taste. +He had at least great fondness for singing hymns, in the manner +then popular with the Evangelicals, very loudly, and so slowly +that I used to count how many words I could read silently, +between one syllable of the singing and another. My lack of skill +did not prevent me from being zealous at these vocal exercises, +and my Father and I used to sing lustily together. The Wesleys, +Charlotte Elliott ('Just as I am, without one plea'), and James +Montgomery ('Forever with the Lord') represented his predilection +in hymnology. I acquiesced, although that would not have been my +independent choice. These represented the devotional verse which +made its direct appeal to the evangelical mind, and served in +those 'Puseyite' days to counteract the High Church poetry +founded on The Christian Year. Of that famous volume I never met +with a copy until I was grown up, and equally unknown in our +circle were the hymns of Newman, Faber and Neale. + +It was my Father's plan from the first to keep me entirely +ignorant of the poetry of the High Church, which deeply offended +his Calvinism; he thought that religious truth could be sucked +in, like mother's milk, from hymns which were godly and sound, +and yet correctly versified; and I was therefore carefully +trained in this direction from an early date. But my spirit had +rebelled against some of these hymns, especially against those +written--a mighty multitude--by Horatius Bonar; naughtily +refusing to read Bonar's 'I heard the voice of Jesus say' to my +Mother in our Pimlico lodgings. A secret hostility to this +particular form of effusion was already, at the age of seven, +beginning to define itself in my brain, side by side with an +unctuous infantile conformity. + +I find a difficulty in recalling the precise nature of the +religious instruction which my Father gave me at this time. It +was incessant, and it was founded on the close inspection of the +Bible, particularly of the epistles of the New Testament. This +summer, as my eighth year advanced, we read the 'Epistle to the +Hebrews', with very great deliberation, stopping every moment, +that my Father might expound it, verse by verse. The +extraordinary beauty of the language--for instance, the matchless +cadences and images of the first chapter--made a certain +impression upon my imagination, and were (I think) my earliest +initiation into the magic of literature. I was incapable of +defining what I felt, but I certainly had a grip in the throat, +which was in its essence a purely aesthetic emotion, when my +Father read, in his pure, large, ringing voice, such passages as +'The heavens are the works of Thy hands. They shall perish, but +Thou remainest, and they all shall wax old as doth a garment, and +as a venture shah Thou fold them up, and they shall be changed; +but Thou art the same, and Thy years shall not fail.' But the +dialectic parts of the Epistle puzzled and confused me. Such +metaphysical ideas as 'laying again the foundation of repentance +from dead works' and 'crucifying the Son of God afresh' were not +successfully brought down to the level of my understanding. + +My Father's religious teaching to me was almost exclusively +doctrinal. He did not observe the value of negative education, +that is to say, of leaving Nature alone to fill up the gaps which +it is her design to deal with at a later and riper date. He did +not, even, satisfy himself with those moral injunctions which +should form the basis of infantile discipline. He was in a +tremendous hurry to push on my spiritual growth, and he fed me +with theological meat which it was impossible for me to digest. +Some glimmer of a suspicion that he was sailing on the wrong tack +must, I should suppose, have broken in upon him when we had +reached the eighth and ninth chapters of Hebrews, where, +addressing readers who had been brought up under the Jewish +dispensation, and had the formalities of the Law of Moses in +their very blood, the apostle battles with their dangerous +conservatism. It is a very noble piece of spiritual casuistry, +but it is signally unfitted for the comprehension of a child. +Suddenly by my flushing up with anger and saying, ' Oh how I do +hate that Law,' my Father perceived, and paused in amazement to +perceive, that I took the Law to be a person of malignant temper +from whose cruel bondage, and from whose intolerable tyranny and +unfairness, some excellent person was crying out to be delivered. +I wished to hit Law with my fist, for being so mean and +unreasonable. + +Upon this, of course, it was necessary to reopen the whole line +of exposition. My Father, without realizing it, had been talking +on his own level, not on mine, and now he condescended to me. But +without very great success. The melodious language, the divine +forensic audacities, the magnificent ebb and flow of argument +which make the 'Epistle to the Hebrews' such a miracle, were far +and away beyond my reach, and they only bewildered me. Some +evangelical children of my generation, I understand, were brought +up on a work called 'Line upon Line: Here a Little, and there a +Little'. My Father's ambition would not submit to anything +suggested by such a title as that, and he committed, from his own +point of view, a fatal mistake when he sought to build spires and +battlements without having been at the pains to settle a +foundation beneath them. + +We were not always reading the 'Epistle to the Hebrews', however; +not always was my flesh being made to creep by having it insisted +upon that 'almost all things are by the Law purged with blood, +and without blood is no remission of sin'. In our lighter moods, +we turned to the 'Book of Revelation', and chased the phantom of +Popery through its fuliginous pages. My Father, I think, missed +my Mother's company almost more acutely in his researches into +prophecy than in anything else. This had been their unceasing +recreation, and no third person could possibly follow the curious +path which they had hewn for themselves through this jungle of +symbols. But, more and more, my Father persuaded himself that I, +too, was initiated,, and by degrees I was made to share in all +his speculations and interpretations. + +Hand in hand we investigated the number of the Beast, which +number is six hundred three score and six. Hand in hand we +inspected the nations, to see whether they had the mark of +Babylon in their foreheads. Hand in hand we watched the spirits +of devils gathering the kings of the earth into the place which +is called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon. Our unity in these +excursions was so delightful, that my Father was lulled in any +suspicion he might have formed that I did not quite understand +what it was all about. Nor could he have desired a pupil more +docile or more ardent than I was in my flaming denunciations of +the Papacy. + +If there was one institution more than another which, at this +early stage of my history, I loathed and feared, it was what we +invariably spoke of as 'the so-called Church of Rome'. In later +years, I have met with stout Protestants, gallant 'Down-with-the- +Pope' men from County Antrim, and ladies who see the hand of the +Jesuits in every public and private misfortune. It is the habit +of a loose and indifferent age to consider this dwindling body of +enthusiasts with suspicion, and to regard their attitude towards +Rome as illiberal. But my own feeling is that they are all too +mild, that their denunciations err on the side of the anodyne. I +have no longer the slightest wish myself to denounce the Roman +communion, but, if it is to be done, I have an idea that the +latter-day Protestants do not know how to do it. In Lord +Chesterfield's phrase, these anti-Pope men 'don't understand +their own silly business'. They make concessions and allowances, +they put on gloves to touch the accursed thing. + +Not thus did we approach the Scarlet Woman in the 'fifties. We +palliated nothing, we believed in no good intentions, we used (I +myself used, in my tender innocency) language of the seventeenth +century such as is now no longer introduced into any species of +controversy. As a little boy, when I thought, with intense +vagueness, of the Pope, I used to shut my eyes tight and clench +my fists. We welcomed any social disorder in any part of Italy, +as likely to be annoying to the Papacy. If there was a custom- +house officer stabbed in a fracas at Sassari, we gave loud thanks +that liberty and light were breaking in upon Sardinia. If there +was an unsuccessful attempt to murder the Grand Duke, we lifted +up our voices to celebrate the faith and sufferings of the dear +persecuted Tuscans, and the record of some apocryphal monstrosity +in Naples would only reveal to us a glorious opening for Gospel +energy. My Father celebrated the announcement in the newspapers +of a considerable emigration from the Papal Dominions by +rejoicing at 'this outcrowding of many, throughout the harlot's +domain, from her sins and her plagues'. + +No, the Protestant League may consider itself to be an earnest +and active body, but I can never look upon its efforts as +anything but lukewarm, standing, as I do, with the light of other +days around me. As a child, whatever I might question, I never +doubted the turpitude of Rome. I do not think I had formed any +idea whatever of the character or pretensions or practices of the +Catholic Church, or indeed of what it consisted, or its nature; +but I regarded it with a vague terror as a wild beast, the only +good point about it being that it was very old and was soon to +die. When I turned to Jukes or Newton for further detail, I could +not understand what they said. Perhaps, on the whole, there was +no disadvantage in that. + +It is possible that someone may have observed to my Father that +the conditions of our life were unfavourable to our health, +although I hardly think that he would have encouraged any such +advice. As I look back upon this far-away time, I am surprised at +the absence in it of any figures but our own. He and I together, +now in the study among the sea-anemones and starfishes; now on +the canal-bridge, looking down at the ducks; now at our hard +little meals, served up as those of a dreamy widower are likely +to be when one maid-of-all-work provides them, now under the lamp +at the maps we both loved so much, this is what I see-- no third +presence is ever with us. Whether it occurred to himself that +such a solitude a deux was excellent, in the long run, for +neither of us, or whether any chance visitor or one of the +'Saints', who used to see me at the Room every Sunday morning, +suggested that a female influence might put a little rose-colour +into my pasty cheeks, I know not. All I am sure of is that one +day, towards the close of the summer, as I was gazing into the +street, I saw a four-wheeled cab stop outside our door, and +deposit, with several packages, a strange lady, who was shown up +into my Father's study and was presently brought down and +introduced to me. + +Miss Marks, as I shall take the liberty of calling this person, +was so long a part of my life that I must pause to describe her. +She was tall, rather gaunt, with high cheek-bones; her teeth were +prominent and very white; her eyes were china-blue, and were +always absolutely fixed, wide open, on the person she spoke to; +her nose was inclined to be red at the tip. She had a kind, +hearty, sharp mode of talking, but did not exercise it much, +being on the whole taciturn. She was bustling and nervous, not +particularly refined, not quite, I imagine, what is called 'a +lady'. I supposed her, if I thought of the matter at all, to be +very old, but perhaps she may have been, when we knew her first, +some forty-five summers. Miss Marks was an orphan, depending upon +her work for her living; she would not, in these days of +examinations, have comas up to the necessary educational +standards, but she had enjoyed experience in teaching, and was +prepared to be a conscientious and careful governess, up to her +lights. I was now informed by my Father that it was in this +capacity that she would in future take her place in our +household. I was not informed, what I gradually learned by +observation, that she would also act in it as housekeeper. + +Miss Marks was a somewhat grotesque personage, and might easily +be painted as a kind of eccentric Dickens character, a mixture of +Mrs. Pipchin and Miss Sally Brass. I will confess that when, in +years to come, I read 'Dombey and Son', certain features of Mrs. +Pipchin did irresistibly remind me of my excellent past +governess. I can imagine Miss Marks saying, but with a facetious +intent, that children who sniffed would not go to heaven. But I +was instantly ashamed of the parallel, because my gaunt old +friend was a thoroughly good and honest woman, not intelligent +and not graceful, but desirous in every way to do her duty. Her +duty to me she certainly did, and I am afraid I hardly rewarded +her with the devotion she deserved. From the first, I was +indifferent to her wishes, and, as much as was convenient, I +ignored her existence. She held no power over my attention, and +if I accepted her guidance along the path of instruction, it was +because, odd as it may sound, I really loved knowledge. I +accepted her company without objection, and though there were +occasional outbreaks of tantrums on both sides, we got on very +well together for several years. I did not, however, at any time +surrender my inward will to the wishes of Miss Marks. + +In the circle of our life the religious element took so +preponderating a place, that it is impossible to avoid +mentioning, what might otherwise seem unimportant, the +theological views of Miss Marks. How my Father had discovered +her, or from what field of educational enterprise he plucked her +in her prime, I never knew, but she used to mention that my +Father's ministrations had 'opened her eyes', from which 'scales' +had fallen. She had accepted, on their presentation to her, the +entire gamut of his principles. Miss Marks was accustomed, while +putting me to bed, to dwell darkly on the incidents of her past, +which had, I fear, been an afflicted one. I believe I do her +rather limited intelligence no injury when I say that it was +prepared to swallow, at one mouthful, whatever my Father +presented to it, so delighted was its way-worn possessor to find +herself in a comfortable, or, at least, an independent position. +She soon bowed, if there was indeed any resistance from the +first, very contentedly in the House of Rimmon, learning to +repeat, with marked fluency, the customary formulas and +shibboleths. On my own religious development she had no great +influence. Any such guttering theological rushlight as Miss Marks +might dutifully exhibit faded for me in the blaze of my Father's +glaring beacon-lamp of faith. + +Hardly was Miss Marks settled in the family, than my Father left +us on an expedition about which my curiosity was exercised, but +not until later, satisfied. He had gone, as we afterwards found, +to South Devon, to a point on the coast which he had known of +old. Here he had hired a horse, and had ridden about until he saw +a spot he liked, where a villa was being built on speculation. +Nothing equals the courage of these recluse men; my Father got +off his horse, and tied it to the gate, and then he went in and +bought the house on a ninety-nine years' lease. I need hardly say +that he had made the matter a subject of the most earnest prayer, +and had entreated the Lord for guidance. When he felt attracted +to this particular villa, he did not doubt that he was directed +to it in answer to his supplication, and he wasted no time in +further balancing or inquiring. On my eighth birthday, with bag +and baggage complete, we all made the toilful journey down into +Devonshire, and I was a town-child no longer. + + + +CHAPTER V + +A NEW element now entered into my life, a fresh rival arose to +compete for me with my Father's dogmatic theology. This rival was +the Sea. When Wordsworth was a little child, the presence of the +mountains and the clouds lighted up his spirit with gleams that +were like the flashing of a shield. He has described, in the +marvellous pages of the 'Prelude', the impact of nature upon the +infant soul, but he has described it vaguely and faintly, with +some 'infirmity of love for days disowned by memory',--I think +because he was brought up in the midst of spectacular beauty, and +could name no moment, mark no 'here' or 'now', when the wonder +broke upon him. It was at the age of twice five summers, he +thought, that he began to hold unconscious intercourse with +nature, 'drinking in a pure organic pleasure' from the floating +mists and winding waters. Perhaps, in his anxiety to be truthful, +and in the absence of any record, he put the date of this +conscious rapture too late rather than too early. Certainly my +own impregnation with the obscurely-defined but keenly-felt +loveliness of the open sea dates from the first week of my ninth +year. + +The village, on the outskirts of which we had taken up our abode, +was built parallel to the cliff line above the shore, but half a +mile inland. For a long time after the date I have now reached, +no other form of natural scenery than the sea had any effect upon +me at all. The tors of the distant moor might be drawn in deep +blue against the pallor of our morning or our evening sky, but I +never looked at them. It was the Sea, always the sea, nothing but +the sea. From our house, or from the field at the back of our +house, or from any part of the village itself, there was no +appearance to suggest that there could lie anything in an +easterly direction to break the infinitude of red ploughed +fields. But on that earliest morning, how my heart remembers we +hastened,--Miss Marks, the maid, and I between them, along a +couple of high-walled lanes, when suddenly, far below us, in an +immense arc of light, there stretched the enormous plain of +waters. We had but to cross a step or two of downs, when the +hollow sides of the great limestone cove yawned at our feet, +descending, like a broken cup, down, down to the moon of snow- +white shingle and the expanse of blue-green sea. + +In these twentieth-century days, a careful municipality has +studded the down with rustic seats and has shut its dangers out +with railings, has cut a winding carriage-drive round the curves +of the cove down to the shore, and has planted sausage-laurels at +intervals in clearings made for that aesthetic purpose. When last +I saw the place, thus smartened and secured, with its hair in +curl-papers and its feet in patent-leathers, I turned from it in +anger and disgust, and could almost have wept. I suppose that to +those who knew it in no other guise, it may still have beauty. No +parish councils, beneficent and shrewd, can obscure the lustre of +the waters or compress the vastness of the sky. But what man +could do to make wild beauty ineffectual, tame and empty, has +amply been performed at Oddicombe. + +Very different was it fifty years ago, in its uncouth majesty. No +road, save the merest goat-path, led down its concave wilderness, +in which loose furze-bushes and untrimmed brambles wantoned into +the likeness of trees, each draped in audacious tissue of wild +clematis. Through this fantastic maze the traveller wound his +way, led by little other clue than by the instinct of descent. +For me, as a child, it meant the labour of a long, an endless +morning, to descend to the snow-white pebbles, to sport at the +edge of the cold, sharp sea, and then to climb up home again, +slipping in the sticky red mud, clutching at the smooth boughs of +the wild ash, toiling, toiling upwards into flat land out of that +hollow world of rocks. + +On the first occasion I recollect, our Cockney housemaid, +enthusiastic young creature that she was, flung herself down upon +her knees, and drank of the salt waters. Miss Marks, more +instructed in phenomena, refrained, but I, although I was +perfectly aware what the taste would be, insisted on sipping a +few drops from the palm of my hand. This was a slight recurrence +of what I have called my 'natural magic' practices, which had +passed into the background of my mind, but had not quite +disappeared. I recollect that I thought I might secure some power +of walking on the sea, if I drank of it--a perfectly irrational +movement of mind, like those of savages. + +My great desire was to walk out over the sea as far as I could, +and then lie flat on it, face downwards, and peer into the +depths. I was tormented with this ambition, and, like many grown- +up people, was so fully occupied by these vain and ridiculous +desires that I neglected the actual natural pleasures around me. +The idea was not quite so demented as it may seem, because we +were in the habit of singing, as well as reading, of those +enraptured beings who spend their days in 'flinging down their +golden crowns upon the jasper sea'. Why, I argued, should I not +be able to fling down my straw hat upon the tides of Oddicombe? +And, without question, a majestic scene upon the Lake of +Gennesaret had also inflamed my fancy. Of all these things, of +course, I was careful to speak to no one. + +It was not with Miss Marks, however, but with my Father, that I +became accustomed to make the laborious and exquisite journeys +down to the sea and back again. His work as a naturalist +eventually took him, laden with implements, to the rock-pools on +the shore, and I was in attendance as an acolyte. But our +earliest winter in South Devon was darkened for us both by +disappointments, the cause of which lay, at the time, far out of +my reach. In the spirit of my Father were then running, with +furious velocity, two hostile streams of influence. I was +standing, just now, thinking of these things, where the Cascine +ends in the wooded point which is carved out sharply by the lion- +coloured swirl of the Arno on the one side and by the pure flow +of the Mugnone on the other. The rivers meet, and run parallel, +but there comes a moment when the one or the other must conquer, +and it is the yellow vehemence that drowns the purer tide. + +So, through my Father's brain, in that year of scientific crisis, +1857, there rushed two kinds of thought, each absorbing, each +convincing, yet totally irreconcilable. There is a peculiar agony +in the paradox that truth has two forms, each of them +indisputable, yet each antagonistic to the other. It was this +discovery, that there were two theories of physical life, each of +which was true, but the truth of each incompatible with the truth +of the other, which shook the spirit of my Father with +perturbation. It was not, really, a paradox, it was a fallacy, if +he could only have known it, but he allowed the turbid volume of +superstition to drown the delicate stream of reason. He took one +step in the service of truth, and then he drew back in an agony, +and accepted the servitude of error. + +This was the great moment in the history of thought when the +theory of the mutability of species was preparing to throw a +flood of light upon all departments of human speculation and +action. It was becoming necessary to stand emphatically in one +army or the other. Lyell was surrounding himself with disciples, +who were making strides in the direction of discovery. Darwin had +long been collecting facts with regard to the variation of +animals and plants. Hooker and Wallace, Asa Gray and even +Agassiz, each in his own sphere, were coming closer and closer to +a perception of that secret which was first to reveal itself +clearly to the patient and humble genius of Darwin. In the year +before, in 1856, Darwin, under pressure from Lyell, had begun +that modest statement of the new revelation, that 'abstract of an +essay', which developed so mightily into 'The Origin of Species'. +Wollaston's 'Variation of Species' had just appeared, and had +been a nine days' wonder in the wilderness. + +On the other side, the reactionaries, although never dreaming of +the fate which hung over them, had not been idle. In 1857 the +astounding question had for the first time been propounded with +contumely, 'What, then, did we come from an orang-outang?' The +famous 'Vestiges of Creation' had been supplying a sugar-and- +water panacea for those who could not escape from the trend of +evidence, and who yet clung to revelation. Owen was encouraging +reaction by resisting, with all the strength of his prestige, the +theory of the mutability of species. + +In this period of intellectual ferment, as when a great political +revolution is being planned, many possible adherents were +confidentially tested with hints and encouraged to reveal their +bias in a whisper. It was the notion of Lyell, himself a great +mover of men, that, before the doctrine of natural selection was +given to a world which would be sure to lift up at it a howl of +execration, a certain bodyguard of sound and experienced +naturalists, expert in the description of species, should be +privately made aware of its tenor. Among those who were thus +initiated, or approached with a view towards possible +illumination, was my Father. He was spoken to by Hooker, and +later on by Darwin, after meetings of the Royal Society in the +summer of 1857. + +My Father's attitude towards the theory of natural selection was +critical in his career, and oddly enough, it exercised an immense +influence on my own experience as a child. Let it be admitted at +once, mournful as the admission is, that every instinct in his +intelligence went out at first to greet the new light. It had +hardly done so, when a recollection of the opening chapter of ' +Genesis' checked it at the outset. He consulted with Carpenter, a +great investigator, but one who was fully as incapable as himself +of remodelling his ideas with regard to the old, accepted +hypotheses. They both determined, on various grounds, to have +nothing to do with the terrible theory, but to hold steadily to +the law of the fixity of species. It was exactly at this juncture +that we left London, and the slight and occasional but always +extremely salutary personal intercourse with men of scientific +leading which my Father had enjoyed at the British Museum and at +the Royal Society came to an end. His next act was to burn his +ships down to the last beam and log out of which a raft could +have been made. By a strange act of wilfulness, he closed the +doors upon himself forever. + +My Father had never admired Sir Charles Lyell. I think that the +famous 'Lord Chancellor manner' of the geologist intimidated him, +and we undervalue the intelligence of those whose conversation +puts us at a disadvantage. For Darwin and Hooker, on the other +hand, he had a profound esteem, and I know not whether this had +anything to do with the fact that he chose, for his impetuous +experiment in reaction, the field of geology, rather than that of +zoology or botany. Lyell had been threatening to publish a book +on the geological history of Man, which was to be a bombshell +flung into the camp of the catastrophists. My Father, after long +reflection, prepared a theory of his own, which, as he fondly +hoped, would take the wind out of Lyell's sails, and justify +geology to godly readers of 'Genesis'. It was, very briefly, that +there had been no gradual modification of the surface of the +earth, or slow development of organic forms, but that when the +catastrophic act of creation took place, the world presented, +instantly, the structural appearance of a planet on which life +had long existed. + +The theory, coarsely enough, and to my Father's great +indignation, was defined by a hasty press as being this--that God +hid the fossils in the rocks in order to tempt geologists into +infidelity. In truth, it was the logical and inevitable +conclusion of accepting, literally, the doctrine of a sudden act +of creation; it emphasized the fact that any breach in the +circular course of nature could be conceived only on the +supposition that the object created bore false witness to past +processes, which had never taken place. For instance, Adam would +certainly possess hair and teeth and bones in a condition which +it must have taken many years to accomplish, yet he was created +full-grown yesterday. He would certainly--though Sir Thomas +Browne denied it--display an 'omphalos', yet no umbilical cord +had ever attached him to a mother. + +Never was a book cast upon the waters with greater anticipations +of success than was this curious, this obstinate, this fanatical +volume. My Father lived in a fever of suspense, waiting for the +tremendous issue. This 'Omphalos' of his, he thought, was to +bring all the turmoil of scientific speculation to a close, fling +geology into the arms of Scripture, and make the lion eat grass +with the lamb. It was not surprising, he admitted, that there had +been experienced an ever-increasing discord between the facts +which geology brings to light and the direct statements of the +early chapters of 'Genesis'. Nobody was to blame for that. My +Father, and my Father alone, possessed the secret of the enigma; +he alone held the key which could smoothly open the lock of +geological mystery. He offered it, with a glowing gesture, to +atheists and Christians alike. This was to be the universal +panacea; this the system of intellectual therapeutics which could +not but heal all the maladies of the age. But, alas! atheists and +Christians alike looked at it, and laughed, and threw it away. + +In the course of that dismal winter, as the post began to bring +in private letters, few and chilly, and public reviews, many and +scornful, my Father looked in vain for the approval of the +churches, and in vain for the acquiescence of the scientific +societies, and in vain for the gratitude of those 'thousands of +thinking persons', which he had rashly assured himself of +receiving. As his reconciliation of Scripture statements and +geological deductions was welcomed nowhere, as Darwin continued +silent, and the youthful Huxley was scornful, and even Charles +Kingsley, from whom my Father had expected the most instant +appreciation, wrote that he could not 'give up the painful and +slow conclusion of five and twenty years' study of geology, and +believe that God has written on the rocks one enormous and +superfluous lie',--as all this happened or failed to happen, a +gloom, cold and dismal, descended upon our morning teacups. It +was what the poets mean by an 'inspissated' gloom; it thickened +day by day, as hope and self-confidence evaporated in thin clouds +of disappointment. My Father was not prepared for such a fate. He +had been the spoiled darling of the public, the constant +favourite of the press, and now, like the dark angels of old, + + so huge a rout +Encumbered him with ruin. + +He could not recover from amazement at having offended everybody +by an enterprise which had been undertaken in the cause of +universal reconciliation. + +During that grim season, my Father was no lively companion, and +circumstance after circumstance combined to drive him further +from humanity. He missed more than ever the sympathetic ear of my +Mother; there was present to support him nothing of that artful, +female casuistry which insinuates into the wounded consciousness +of a man the conviction that, after all, he is right and all the +rest of the world is wrong. My Father used to tramp in solitude +around and around the red ploughed field which was going to be +his lawn, or sheltering himself from the thin Devonian rain, pace +up and down the still-naked verandah where blossoming creepers +were to be. And I think that there was added to his chagrin with +all his fellow mortals a first tincture of that heresy which was +to attack him later on. It was now that, I fancy, he began, in +his depression, to be angry with God. How much devotion had he +given, how many sacrifices had he made, only to be left storming +around this red morass with no one in all the world to care for +him except one pale-faced child with its cheek pressed to the +window! + +After one or two brilliant excursions to the sea, winter, in its +dampest, muddiest, most languid form, had fallen upon us and shut +us in. It was a dreary winter for the wifeless man and the +motherless boy. We had come into the house, in precipitate +abandonment to that supposed answer to prayer, a great deal too +soon. In order to rake together the lump sum for buying it, my +Father had denuded himself of almost everything, and our sticks +of chairs and tables filled but two or three rooms. Half the +little house, or 'villa' as we called it, was not papered, two- +thirds were not furnished. The workmen were still finishing the +outside when we arrived, and in that connection I recall a little +incident which exhibits my Father's morbid delicacy of +conscience. He was accustomed in his brighter moments--and this +was before the publication of his 'Omphalos'--occasionally to +sing loud Dorsetshire songs of his early days, in a strange, +broad Wessex lingo that I loved. One October afternoon he and I +were sitting on the verandah, and my Father was singing; just +around the corner, out of sight, two carpenters were putting up +the framework of a greenhouse. In a pause, one of them said to +his fellow: 'He can zing a zong, zo well's another, though he be +a minister.' My Father, who was holding my hand loosely, clutched +it, and looking up, I saw his eyes darken. He never sang a +secular song again during the whole of his life. + +Later in the year, and after his literary misfortune, his +conscience became more troublesome than ever. I think he +considered the failure of his attempt at the reconciliation of +science with religion to have been intended by God as a +punishment for something he had done or left undone. In those +brooding tramps around and around the garden, his soul was on its +knees searching the corners of his conscience for some sin of +omission or commission, and one by one every pleasure, every +recreation, every trifle scraped out of the dust of past +experience, was magnified into a huge offence. He thought that +the smallest evidence of levity, the least unbending to human +instinct, might be seized by those around him as evidence of +inconsistency, and might lead the weaker brethren into offence. +The incident of the carpenters and the comic song is typical of a +condition of mind which now possessed my Father, in which act +after act became taboo, not because each was sinful in itself, +but because it might lead others into sin. + +I have the conviction that Miss Marks was now mightily afraid of +my Father. Whenever she could, she withdrew to the room she +called her 'boudoir', a small, chilly apartment, sparsely +furnished, looking over what was in process of becoming the +vegetable garden. Very properly, that she might have some +sanctuary, Miss Marks forbade me to enter this virginal bower, +which, of course, became to me an object of harrowing curiosity. +Through the key-hole I could see practically nothing; one day I +contrived to slip inside, and discovered that there was nothing +to see but a plain bedstead and a toilet-table, void of all +attraction. In this 'boudoir', on winter afternoons, a fire would +be lighted, and Miss Marks would withdraw to it, not seen by us +anymore between high-tea and the apocalyptic exercise known as +'worship'-- in less strenuous households much less austerely +practised under the name of 'family prayers'. Left meanwhile to +our own devices, my Father would mainly be reading his book or +paper held close up to the candle, while his lips and heavy +eyebrows occasionally quivered and palpitated, with literary +ardour, in a manner strangely exciting to me. Miss Marks, in a +very high cap, and her large teeth shining, would occasionally +appear in the doorway, desiring, with spurious geniality, to know +how we were 'getting on'. But on these occasions neither of us +replied to Miss Marks. + +Sometimes in the course of this winter, my Father and I had long +cosy talks together over the fire. Our favourite subject was +murders. I wonder whether little boys of eight, soon to go +upstairs alone at night, often discuss violent crime with a +widower-papa? The practice, I cannot help thinking, is unusual; +it was, however, consecutive with us. We tried other secular +subjects, but we were sure to come around at last to 'what do you +suppose they really did with the body?' I was told, a thrilled +listener, the adventure of Mrs Manning, who killed a gentleman on +the stairs and buried him in quick-lime in the back-kitchen, and +it was at this time that I learned the useful historical fact, +which abides with me after half a century, that Mrs. Manning was +hanged in black satin, which thereupon went wholly out of fashion +in England. I also heard about Burke and Hare, whose story nearly +froze me into stone with horror. + +These were crimes which appear in the chronicles. But who will +tell me what 'the Carpet-bag Mystery' was, which my Father and I +discussed evening after evening? I have never come across a +whisper of it since, and I suspect it of having been a hoax. As I +recall the details, people in a boat, passing down the Thames, +saw a carpet-bag hung high in air, on one of the projections of a +pier of Waterloo Bridge. Being with difficulty dragged down--or +perhaps up--this bag was found to be full of human remains, +dreadful butcher's business of joints and fragments. Persons were +missed, were identified, were again denied--the whole is a vapour +in my memory which shifts as I try to define it. But clear enough +is the picture I hold of myself, in a high chair, on the left- +hand side of the sitting-room fireplace, the leaping flames +reflected in the glass-case of tropical insects on the opposite +wall, and my Father, leaning anxiously forward, with uplifted +finger, emphasizing to me the pros and cons of the horrible +carpet-bag evidence. + +I suppose that my interest in these discussions--and Heaven knows +I was animated enough--amused and distracted my Father, whose +idea of a suitable theme for childhood's ear now seems to me +surprising. I soon found that these subjects were not welcome to +everybody, for, starting the Carpet-bag Mystery one morning with +Miss Marks, in the hope of delaying my arithmetic lesson, she +fairly threw her apron over her ears, and told me, from that +vantage, that if I did not desist at once, she should scream. + +Occasionally we took winter walks together, my Father and I, down +some lane that led to a sight of the sea, or over the rolling +downs. We tried to recapture the charm of those delightful +strolls in London, when we used to lean over the bridges and +watch the ducks. But we could not recover this pleasure. My +Father was deeply enwoven in the chain of his own thoughts, and +would stalk on, without a word, buried in angry reverie. If he +spoke to me, on these excursions, it was a pain to me to answer +him. I could talk on easy terms with him indoors, seated in my +high chair, with our heads on a level, but it was intolerably +laborious to look up into the firmament and converse with a dark +face against the sky. The actual exercise of walking, too, was +very exhausting to me; the bright red mud, to the strange colour +of which I could not for a long while get accustomed, becoming +caked about my little shoes, and wearying me extremely. I would +grow petulant and cross, contradict my Father, and oppose his +whims. These walks were distressing to us both, yet he did not +like to walk alone, and he had no other friend. However, as the +winter advanced, they had to be abandoned, and the habit of our +taking a 'constitutional' together was never resumed. + +I look back upon myself at this time as upon a cantankerous, ill- +tempered and unobliging child. The only excuse I can offer is +that I really was not well. The change to Devonshire had not +suited me; my health gave the excellent Miss Marks some anxiety, +but she was not ready in resource. The dampness of the house was +terrible; indoors and out, the atmosphere seemed soaked in chilly +vapours. Under my bed-clothes at night I shook like a jelly, +unable to sleep for cold, though I was heaped with coverings, +while my skin was all puckered with gooseflesh. I could eat +nothing solid, without suffering immediately from violent +hiccough, so that much of my time was spent lying prone on my +back upon the hearthrug, awakening the echoes like a cuckoo. Miss +Marks, therefore, cut off all food but milk-sop, a loathly bowl +of which appeared at every meal. In consequence the hiccough +lessened, but my strength declined with it. I languished in a +perpetual catarrh. I was roused to a conscious-ness that I was +not considered well by the fact that my Father prayed publicly at +morning and evening 'worship' that if it was the Lord's will to +take me to himself there might be no doubt whatever about my +being a sealed child of God and an inheritor of glory. I was +partly disconcerted by, partly vain of, this open advertisement +of my ailments. + +Of our dealings with the 'Saints', a fresh assortment of whom met +us on our arrival in Devonshire, I shall speak presently. My +Father's austerity of behaviour was, I think, perpetually +accentuated by his fear of doing anything to offend the +consciences of these persons, whom he supposed, no doubt, to be +more sensitive than they really were. He was fond of saying that +'a very little stain upon the conscience makes a wide breach in +our communion with God', and he counted possible errors of +conduct by hundreds and by thousands. It was in this winter that +his attention was particularly drawn to the festival of +Christmas, which, apparently, he had scarcely noticed in London. + +On the subject of all feasts of the Church he held views of an +almost grotesque peculiarity. He looked upon each of them as +nugatory and worthless, but the keeping of Christmas appeared to +him by far the most hateful, and nothing less than an act of +idolatry. 'The very word is Popish', he used to exclaim, +'Christ's Mass!' pursing up his lips with the gesture of one who +tastes assafoetida by accident. Then he would adduce the +antiquity of the so-called feast, adapted from horrible heathen +rites, and itself a soiled relic of the abominable Yule-Tide. He +would denounce the horrors of Christmas until it almost made me +blush to look at a holly-berry. + +On Christmas Day of this year 1857 our villa saw a very unusual +sight. My Father had given strictest charge that no difference +whatever was to be made in our meals on that day; the dinner was +to be neither more copious than usual nor less so. He was obeyed, +but the servants, secretly rebellious, made a small plum-pudding +for themselves. (I discovered afterwards, with pain, that Miss +Marks received a slice of it in her boudoir.) Early in the +afternoon, the maids,--of whom we were now advanced to keeping +two,--kindly remarked that 'the poor dear child ought to have a +bit, anyhow', and wheedled me into the kitchen, where I ate a +slice of plum-pudding. Shortly I began to feel that pain inside +which in my frail state was inevitable, and my conscience smote +me violently. At length I could bear my spiritual anguish no +longer, and bursting into the study I called out: 'Oh! Papa, +Papa, I have eaten of flesh offered to idols!' It took some time, +between my sobs, to explain what had happened. Then my Father +sternly said: ' Where is the accursed thing?' I explained that as +much as was left of it was still on the kitchen table. He took me +by the hand, and ran with me into the midst of the startled +servants, seized what remained of the pudding, and with the plate +in one hand and me still tight in the other, ran until we reached +the dust-heap, when he flung the idolatrous confectionery on to +the middle of the ashes, and then raked it deep down into the +mass. The suddenness, the violence, the velocity of this +extraordinary act made an impression on my memory which nothing +will ever efface. + +The key is lost by which I might unlock the perverse malady from +which my Father's conscience seemed to suffer during the whole of +this melancholy winter. But I think that a dislocation of his +intellectual system had a great deal to do with it. Up to this +point in his career, he had, as we have seen, nourished the +delusion that science and revelation could be mutually justified, +that some sort of compromise was possible. With great and ever +greater distinctness, his investigations had shown him that in +all departments of organic nature there are visible the evidences +of slow modification of forms, of the type developed by the +pressure and practice of aeons. This conviction lead been borne +in upon him until it was positively irresistible. Where was his +place, then, as a sincere and accurate observer? Manifestly, it +was with the pioneers of the new truth, it was with Darwin, +Wallace and Hooker. But did not the second chapter of 'Genesis' +say that in six days the heavens and earth were finished, and the +host of them, and that on the seventh day God ended his work +which he had made? + +Here was a dilemma! Geology certainly seemed to be true, but the +Bible, which was God's word, was true. If the Bible said that all +things in Heaven and Earth were created in six days, created in +six days they were,--in six literal days of twenty-four hours +each. The evidences of spontaneous variation of form, acting, +over an immense space of time, upon ever-modifying organic +structures, seemed overwhelming, but they must either be brought +into line with the six-day labour of creation, or they must be +rejected. I have already shown how my Father worked out the +ingenious 'Omphalos' theory in order to justify himself as a +strictly scientific observer who was also a humble slave of +revelation. But the old convention and the new rebellion would +alike have none of his compromise. + +To a mind so acute and at the same time so narrow as that of my +Father--a mind which is all logical and positive without breadth, +without suppleness and without imagination--to be subjected to a +check of this kind is agony. It has not the relief of a smaller +nature, which escapes from the dilemma by some foggy formula; nor +the resolution of a larger nature to take to its wings and +surmount the obstacle. My Father, although half suffocated by the +emotion of being lifted, as it were, on the great biological +wave, never dreamed of letting go his clutch of the ancient +tradition, but hung there, strained and buffeted. It is +extraordinary that he--an 'honest hodman of science', as Huxley +once called him--should not have been content to allow others, +whose horizons were wider than his could be, to pursue those +purely intellectual surveys for which he had no species of +aptitude. As a collector of facts and marshaller of observations, +he had not a rival in that age; his very absence of imagination +aided him in this work. But he was more an attorney than +philosopher, and he lacked that sublime humility which is the +crown of genius. For, this obstinate persuasion that he alone +knew the mind of God, that he alone could interpret the designs +of the Creator, what did it result from if not from a congenital +lack of that highest modesty which replies 'I do not know' even +to the questions which Faith, with menacing forger, insists on +having most positively answered? + +CHAPTER VI + +DURING the first year of our life in Devonshire, the ninth year +of my age, my Father's existence, and therefore mine, was almost +entirely divided between attending to the little community of +'Saints' in the village and collecting, examining and describing +marine creatures from the seashore. In the course of these twelve +months, we had scarcely any social distractions of any kind, and +I never once crossed the bounds of the parish. After the worst of +the winter was over, my Father recovered much of his spirits and +his power of work, and the earliest sunshine soothed and +refreshed us both. I was still almost always with him, but we had +now some curious companions. + +The village, at the southern end of which our villa stood, was +not pretty. It had no rural picturesqueness of any kind. The only +pleasant feature of it, the handsome and ancient parish church +with its umbrageous churchyard, was then almost entirely +concealed by a congress of mean shops, which were ultimately, +before the close of my childhood, removed. The village consisted +of two parallel lines of contiguous houses, all white-washed and +most of them fronted by a trifling shop-window; for half a mile +this street ascended to the church, and then descended for +another half-mile, ending suddenly in fields, the hedges of which +displayed, at intervals, the inevitable pollard elm-tree. + +The walk through the village, which we seemed make incessantly, +was very wearisome to me. I dreaded the rudeness of the children, +and there was nothing in the shops to amuse me. Walking on the +inch or two of broken pavement in front of the houses was +disagreeable and tiresome, and the odor which breathed on close +days from the open doors and windows made me feel faint. But this +walk was obligatory, since the 'Public Room', as our little +chapel was called, lay at the farther extremity of the dreary +street. + +We attended this place of worship immediately on our arrival, and +my Father, uninvited but unresisted, immediately assumed the +administration of it. It was a square, empty room, built, for I +know not what purpose, over a stable. Ammoniac odours used to +rise through the floor as we sat there at our long devotions. +Before our coming, a little flock of persons met in the Room, a +community of the indefinite sort just then becoming frequent in +the West of England, pious rustics connected with no other +recognized body of Christians, and depending directly on the +independent study of the Bible. They were largely women, but +there was more than a sprinkling of men, poor, simple and +generally sickly. In later days, under my Father's ministration, +the body increased and positively flourished. It came to include +retired professional men, an admiral, nay, even the brother of a +peer. But in those earliest years the 'brethren' and 'sisters' +were all of them ordinary peasants. They were jobbing gardeners +and journeymen carpenters, masons and tailors, washerwomen and +domestic servants. I wish that I could paint, in colours so vivid +that my readers could perceive what their little society +consisted of, this quaint collection of humble, conscientious, +ignorant and gentle persons. In chronicle or fiction I have never +been fortunate enough to meet with anything which resembled them. +The caricatures of enmity and worldly scorn are as crude, to my +memory, as the unction of religious conventionality is +featureless. + +The origin of the meeting had been odd. A few years before we +came, a crew of Cornish fishermen, quite unknown to the +villagers, were driven by stress of weather into the haven under +the cliff. They landed, and, instead of going to a public-house, +they looked about for a room where they could hold a prayer- +meeting. They were devout Wesleyans; they had come from the open +sea, they were far from home, and they had been starved by lack +of their customary religious privileges. As they stood about in +the street before their meeting, they challenged the respectable +girls who came out to stare at them, with the question, 'Do you +love the Lord Jesus, my maid? Receiving dubious answers, they +pressed the inhabitants to come in and pray with them, which +several did. Ann Burmington, who long afterwards told me about +it, was one of those girls, and she repeated that the fishermen +said, 'What a dreadful thing it will be, at the Last Day, when +the Lord says, "Come, ye blessed", and says it not to you, and +then, "Depart ye cursed", and you maidens have to depart.' They +were finely-built young men, with black beards and shining eyes, +and I do not question that some flash of sex unconsciously +mingled with the curious episode, although their behaviour was in +all respects discreet. It was, perhaps, not wholly a coincidence +that almost all those particular girls remained unmarried to the +end of their lives. After two or three days, the fishermen went +off to sea again. They prayed and sailed away, and the girls, who +had not even asked their names, never heard of them again. But +several of the young women were definitely converted, and they +formed the nucleus of our little gathering. + +My Father preached, standing at a desk; or celebrated the +communion in front of a deal table, with a white napkin spread +over it. Sometimes the audience was so small, generally so +unexhilarating, that he was discouraged, but he never flagged in +energy and zeal. Only those who had given evidence of intelligent +acceptance of the theory of simple faith in their atonement +through the Blood of Jesus were admitted to the communion, or, as +it was called, 'the Breaking of Bread'. It was made a very strong +point that no one should 'break bread', unless for good reason +shown-- until he or she had been baptized, that is to say, +totally immersed, in solemn conclave, by the ministering brother. +This rite used, in our earliest days, to be performed, with +picturesque simplicity, in the sea on the Oddicombe beach, but to +this there were, even in those quiet years, extreme objections. A +jeering crowd could scarcely be avoided, and women, in +particular, shrank from the ordeal. This used to be a practical +difficulty, and my Father, when communicants confessed that they +had not yet been baptized, would shake his head and say gravely, +'Ah! ah! you shun the Cross of Christ!' But that baptism in the +sea on the open beach was a 'cross', he would not deny, and when +we built our own little chapel, a sort of font, planked over, was +arranged in the room itself. + +Among these quiet, taciturn people, there were several whom I +recall with affection. In this remote corner of Devonshire, on +the road nowhither, they had preserved much of the air of that +eighteenth century which the elders among them perfectly +remembered. There was one old man, born before the French +Revolution, whose figure often recurs to me. This was James +Petherbridge, the Nestor of our meeting, extremely tall and +attenuated; he came on Sundays in a full, white smockfrock, +smartly embroidered down the front, and when he settled himself +to listen, he would raise this smock like a skirt, and reveal a +pair of immensely long thin legs, cased in tight leggings, and +ending in shoes with buckles. As the sacred message fell from my +Father's lips the lantern jaws of Mr. Petherbridge slowly fell +apart, while his knees sloped to so immense a distance from one +another that it seemed as though they never could meet again. He +had been pious all his life, and he would tell us, in some modest +pride, that when he was a lad, the farmer's wife who was his +mistress used to say, 'I think our Jem is going to be a Methody, +he do so hanker after godly discoursings.' Mr. Petherbridge was +accustomed to pray orally at our prayer-meetings, in a funny old +voice like wind in a hollow tree, and he seldom failed to express +a hope that 'the Lord would support Miss Lafroy'-- who was the +village schoolmistress, and one of our congregation,-- 'in her +labour of teaching the young idea how to shoot'. I, not +understanding this literary allusion, long believed the school to +be addicted to some species of pistol-practice. + +The key of the Room was kept by Richard Moxhay, the mason, who +was of a generation younger than Mr. Petherbridge, but yet +'getting on in years'. Moxhay, I cannot tell why, was always +dressed in white corduroy, on which any stain of Devonshire +scarlet mud was painfully conspicuous; when he was smartened up, +his appearance suggested that somebody had given him a coating of +that rich Western whitewash which looks like Devonshire cream. +His locks were long and sparse, and as deadly black as his +clothes were white. He was a modest, gentle man, with a wife even +more meek and gracious than himself. They never, to my +recollection, spoke unless they were spoken to, and their +melancholy impassiveness used to vex my Father, who once, +referring to the Moxhays, described them, sententiously but +justly, as being 'laborious, but it would be an exaggeration to +say happy, Christians'. Indeed, my memory pictures almost all the +'saints' of that early time as sad and humble souls, lacking +vitality, yet not complaining of anything definite. A quite +surprising number of them, it is true, male and female, suffered +from different forms of consumption, so that the Room rang in +winter evenings with a discord of hacking coughs. But it seems to +me that, when I was quite young, half the inhabitants of our +rural district were affected with phthisis. No doubt, our +peculiar religious community was more likely to attract the +feeble members of a population, than to tempt the flush and the +fair. + +Miss Marks, patient pilgrim that she was, accepted this quaint +society without a murmur, although I do not think it was much to +her taste. But in a very short time it was sweetened to her by +the formation of a devoted and romantic friendship for one of the +'sisters', who was, indeed, if my childish recollection does not +fail me, a very charming person. The consequence of this +enthusiastic alliance was that I was carried into the bosom of +the family to which Miss Marks' new friend belonged, and of these +excellent people I must give what picture I can. + +Almost opposite the Room, therefore at the far end of the +village, across one of the rare small gardens (in which this +first winter I discovered with rapture the magenta stars of a new +flower, hepatica)--a shop-window displayed a thin row of plates +and dishes, cups and saucers; above it was painted the name of +Burmington. This china-shop was the property of three orphan +sisters, Ann, Mary Grace, and Bess, the latter lately married to +a carpenter, who was 'elder' at our meeting; the other two, +resolute old maids. Ann, whom I have already mentioned, had been +one of the girls converted by the Cornish fishermen. She was +about ten years older than Bess, and Mary Grace came halfway +between them. Ann was a very worthy woman, but masterful and +passionate, suffering from an ungovernable temper, which at +calmer moments she used to refer to, not without complacency, as +'the sin which doth most easily beset me'. Bess was +insignificant, and vulgarized by domestic cares. But Mary Grace +was a delightful creature.The Burmingtons lived in what was +almost the only old house surviving in the village. It was an +extraordinary construction of two storeys, with vast rooms, and +winding passages, and surprising changes of level. The sisters +were poor, but very industrious, and never in anything like want; +they sold, as I have said, crockery, and they took in washing, +and did a little fine needlework, and sold the produce of a +great, vague garden at the back. In process of time, the elder +sisters took a young woman, whose name was Drusilla Elliott, to +live with them as servant and companion; she was a converted +person, worshipping with a kindred sect, the Bible Christians. I +remember being much interested in hearing how Bess, before her +marriage, became converted. Mary Grace, on account of her infirm +health, slept alone in one room; in another, of vast size, stood +a family fourposter, where Ann slept with Drusilla Elliott, and +another bed in the same room took Bess. The sisters and their +friend had been constantly praying that Bess might 'find peace', +for she was still a stranger to salvation. One night, she +suddenly called out, rather crossly, 'What are you two whispering +about? Do go to sleep,' to which Ann replied: 'We are praying for +you." How do you know,' answered Bess, 'that I don't believe? And +then she told them that, that very night, when she was sitting in +the shop, she had closed with God's offer of redemption. Late in +the night as it was, Ann and Drusilla could do no less than go in +and waken Mary Grace, whom, however, they found awake, praying, +she too, for the conversion of Bess. They told her the good news, +and all four, kneeling in the darkness, gave thanks aloud to God +for his infinite mercy. + +It was Mary Grace Burmington who now became the romantic friend +of Miss Marks, and a sort of second benevolence to me. She must +have been under thirty years of age; she wax very small, and she +was distressingly deformed in the spine, but she had an animated, +almost a sparkling countenance. When we first arrived in the +village, Mary Grace was only just recovering from a gastric fever +which had taken her close to the grave. I remember hearing that +the vicar, a stout and pompous man at whom we always glared +defiance, went, in Mary Grace's supposed extremity, to the +Burmingtons' shop-door, and shouted: 'Peace be to this house,' +intending to offer his ministrations, but that Ann, who was in +one of her tantrums, positively hounded him from the doorstep and +down the garden, in her passionate nonconformity. Mary Grace, +however, recovered, and soon became, not merely Miss Marks' +inseparable friend, but my Father's spiritual factotum. He found +it irksome to visit the 'saints' from house to house, and Mary +Grace Burmington gladly assumed this labour. She proved a most +efficient coadjutor; searched out, cherished and confirmed any of +those, especially the young, who were attracted by my Father's +preaching, and for several years was a great joy and comfort to +us all. Even when her illness so increased that she could no +longer rise from her bed, she was a centre of usefulness and +cheerfulness from that retreat, where she 'received', in a kind +of rustic state, under a patchwork coverlid that was like a +basket of flowers. + +My Father, ever reflecting on what could be done to confirm my +spiritual vocation, to pin me down, as it were, beyond any +possibility of escape, bethought him that it would accustom me to +what he called 'pastoral work in the Lord's service', if I +accompanied Mary Grace on her visits from house to house. If it +is remembered that I was only eight and a half when this scheme +was carried into practice, it will surprise no one to hear that +it was not crowned with success. I disliked extremely this +visitation of the poor. I felt shy, I had nothing to say, with +difficulty could I understand their soft Devonian patois, and +most of all--a signal perhaps of my neurotic condition--I dreaded +and loathed the smells of their cottages. One had to run over the +whole gamut of odours, some so faint that they embraced the +nostril with a fairy kiss, others bluntly gross, of the 'knock- +you-down' order; some sweet, with a dreadful sourness; some +bitter, with a smack of rancid hair-oil. There were fine manly +smells of the pigsty and the open drain, and these prided +themselves on being all they seemed to be; but there were also +feminine odours, masquerading as you knew not what, in which +penny whiffs, vials of balm and opoponax, seemed to have become +tainted, vaguely, with the residue of the slop-pail. It was not, +I think, that the villagers were particularly dirty, but those +were days before the invention of sanitary science, and my poor +young nose was morbidly, nay ridiculously sensitive. I often came +home from 'visiting the saints' absolutely incapable of eating +the milk-sop, with brown sugar strewn over it, which was my +evening meal. + +There was one exception to my unwillingness to join in the +pastoral labours of Mary Grace. When she announced, on a fine +afternoon, that we were going to Pavor and Barton, I was always +agog to start. These were two hamlets in our parish, and, I +should suppose, the original home of its population. Pavor was, +even then, decayed almost to extinction, but Barton preserved its +desultory street of ancient, detached cottages. Each, however +poor, had a wild garden around it, and, where the inhabitants +possessed some pride in their surroundings, the roses and the +jasmines and that distinguished creeper,--which one sees nowhere +at its best but in Devonshire cottage-gardens,--the stately +cotoneaster, made the whole place a bower. Barton was in vivid +contrast to our own harsh, open, squalid village, with its mean +modern houses, its absence of all vegetation. The ancient +thatched cottages of Barton were shut in by moist hills, and +canopied by ancient trees; they were approached along a deep lane +which was all a wonder and a revelation to me that spring, since, +in the very words of Shelley: + +There in the warm hedge grew lush eglantine, +Green cow-bind and the moonlight-coloured may, +And cherry blossoms, and white cups, whose wine +Was the bright dew yet drained not by the day; +And wild roses, and ivy serpentine +With its dark buds and leaves, wandering astray. + +Around and beyond Barton there lay fairyland. All was mysterious, +unexplored, rich with infinite possibilities. I should one day +enter it, the sword of make-believe in my hand, the cap of +courage on my head, 'when you are a big boy', said the oracle of +Mary Grace. For the present, we had to content ourselves with +being an unadventurous couple--a little woman, bent half-double, +and a preternaturally sedate small boy-- as we walked very +slowly, side by side, conversing on terms of high familiarity, in +which Biblical and colloquial phrases were quaintly jumbled, +through the sticky red mud of the Pavor lanes with Barton as a +bourne before us. + +When we came home, my Father would sometimes ask me for +particulars. Where had we been, whom had we found at home, what +testimony had those visited been able to give of the Lord's +goodness to them, what had Mary Grace replied in the way of +exhortation, reproof or condolence? These questions I hated at +the time, but they were very useful to me, since they gave me the +habit of concentrating my attention on what was going on in the +course of our visits, in case I might be called upon to give a +report. My Father was very kind in the matter; he cultivated my +powers of expression, he did not snub me when I failed to be +intelligent. But I overheard Miss Marks and Mary Grace discussing +the whole question under the guise of referring to 'you know +whom, not a hundred miles hence', fancying that I could not +recognize their little ostrich because its head was in a bag of +metaphor. I understood perfectly, and gathered that they both of +them thought this business of my going into undrained cottages +injudicious. Accordingly, I was by degrees taken 'visiting' only +when Mary Grace was going into the country-hamlets, and then I +was usually left outside, to skip among the flowers and stalk the +butterflies. + +I must not, however, underestimate the very prominent part taken +all through this spring and summer of 1858 by the collection of +specimens on the seashore. My Father had returned, the chagrin of +his failure in theorizing now being mitigated, to what was his +real work in life, the practical study of animal forms in detail. +He was not a biologist, in the true sense of the term. That +luminous indication which Flaubert gives of what the action of +the scientific mind should be, 'affranchissant esprit et pesant +les mondes, sans haine, sans peur, sans pitie, sans amour et sans +Dieu', was opposed in every segment to the attitude of my Father, +who, nevertheless, was a man of very high scientific attainment. + +But, again I repeat, he was not a philosopher; he was incapable, +by temperament and education, of forming broad generalizations +and of escaping in a vast survey from the troublesome pettiness +of detail. He saw everything through a lens, nothing in the +immensity of nature. Certain senses were absent in him; I think +that, with all his justice, he had no conception of the +importance of liberty; with all his intelligence, the boundaries +of the atmosphere in which his mind could think at all were +always close about him; with all his faith in the Word of God, he +had no confidence in the Divine Benevolence; and with all his +passionate piety, he habitually mistook fear for love. + +It was down on the shore, tramping along the pebbled terraces of +the beach, clambering over the great blocks of fallen +conglomerate which broke the white curve with rufous promontories +that jutted into the sea, or, finally, bending over those shallow +tidal pools in the limestone rocks which were our proper hunting- +ground,--it was in such circumstances as these that my Father +became most easy, most happy, most human. That hard look across +his brows, which it wearied me to see, the look that came from +sleepless anxiety of conscience, faded away, and left the dark +countenance still always stern indeed, but serene and +unupbraiding. Those pools were our mirrors, in which, reflected +in the dark hyaline and framed by the sleek and shining fronds of +oar-weed there used to appear the shapes of a middle-aged man and +a funny little boy, equally eager, and, I almost find the +presumption to say, equally well prepared fog business. + +If anyone goes down to those shores now, if man or boy seeks to +follow in our traces, let him realize at once, before he takes +the trouble to roll up his sleeves, that his zeal will end in +labour lost. There is nothing, now, where in our days there was +so much. Then the rocks between tide and tide were submarine +gardens of a beauty that seemed often to be fabulous, and was +positively delusive, since, if we delicately lifted the +weedcurtains of a windless pool, though we might for a moment see +its sides and floor paven with living blossoms, ivory-white, +rosy-red, grange and amethyst, yet all that panoply would melt +away, furled into the hollow rock, if we so much as dropped a +pebble in to disturb the magic dream. + +Half a century ago, in many parts of the coast of Devonshire and +Cornwall, where the limestone at the water's edge is wrought into +crevices and hollows, the tideline was, like Keats' Grecian vase, +'a still unravished bride of quietness'. These cups and basins +were always full, whether the tide was high or low, and the only +way in which they were affected was that twice in the twenty-four +hours they were replenished by cold streams from the great sea, +and then twice were left brimming to be vivified by the temperate +movement of the upper air. They were living flower-beds, so +exquisite in their perfection, that my Father, in spite of his +scientific requirements, used not seldom to pause before he began +to rifle them, ejaculating that it was indeed a pity to disturb +such congregated beauty. The antiquity of these rock-pools, and +the infinite succession of the soft and radiant forms, sea- +anemones, seaweeds, shells, fishes, which had inhabited them, +undisturbed since the creation of the world, used to occupy my +Father's fancy. We burst in, he used to say, where no one had +ever thought of intruding before; and if the Garden of Eden had +been situate in Devonshire, Adam and Eve, stepping lightly down +to bathe in the rainbow-coloured spray, would have seen the +identical sights that we now saw,--the great prawns gliding like +transparent launches, anthea waving in the twilight its thick +white waxen tentacles, and the fronds of the duke faintly +streaming on the water like huge red banners in some reverted +atmosphere. + +All this is long over and done with. The ring of living beauty +drawn about our shores was a very thin and fragile one. It had +existed all those centuries solely in consequence of the +indifference, the blissful ignorance of man. These rockbasins, +fringed by corallines, filled with still water almost as pellucid +as the upper air itself, thronged with beautiful sensitive forms +of life, they exist no longer, they are all profaned, and +emptied, and vulgarized. An army of 'collectors' has passed over +them, and ravaged every corner of them. The fairy paradise has +been violated, the exquisite product of centuries of natural +selection has been crushed under the rough paw of well-meaning, +idle-minded curiosity. That my Father, himself so reverent, so +conservative, had by the popularity of his books acquired the +direct responsibility for a calamity that he had never +anticipated became clear enough to himself before many years had +passed, and cost him great chagrin. No one will see again on the +shore of England what I saw in my early childhood, the submarine +vision of dark rocks, speckled and starred with an infinite +variety of colour, and streamed over by silken flags of royal +crimson and purple. + +In reviving these impressions, I am unable to give any exact +chronological sequence to them. These particular adventures began +early in 1858, they reached their greatest intensity in the +summer of 1859, and they did not altogether cease, so far as my +Father was concerned, until nearly twenty years later. But it was +while he was composing what, as I am told by scientific men of +today, continues to be his most valuable contribution to +knowledge, his History of the British Sea-Anemones and Corals, +that we worked together on the shore for a definite purpose, and +the last instalment of that still-classic volume was ready for +press by the close of 1859. + +The way in which my Father worked, in his most desperate +escapades, was to wade breast-high into one of the huge pools, +and examine the worm-eaten surface of the rock above and below +the brim. In such remote places-- spots where I could never +venture being left, a slightly timorous Andromeda, chained to a +safer level of the cliff-- in these extreme basins, there used +often to lurk a marvellous profusion of animal and vegetable +forms. My Father would search for the roughest and most corroded +points of rock, those offering the best refuge for a variety of +creatures, and would then chisel off fragments as low down in the +water as he could. These pieces of rock were instantly plunged in +the saltwater of jars which we had brought with us for the +purpose. When as much had been collected as we could carry away-- +my Father always dragged about an immense square basket, the +creak of whose handles I can still fancy that I hear--we turned +to trudge up the long climb home. Then all our prizes were spread +out, face upward, in shallow pans of clean sea-water. + +In a few hours, when all dirt had subsided, and what living +creatures we had brought seemed to have recovered their +composure, my work began. My eyes were extremely keen and +powerful, though they were vexatiously near-sighted. Of no use in +examining objects at any distance, in investigating a minute +surface, my vision was trained to be invaluable. The shallow pan, +with our spoils, would rest on a table near the window, and I, +kneeling on a chair opposite the light, would lean over the +surface until everything was within an inch or two of my eyes. +Often I bent, in my zeal, so far forward that the water touched +the tip of my nose and gave me a little icy shock. In this +attitude, an idle spectator might have formed the impression that +I was trying to wash my head and could not quite summon up +resolution enough to plunge. In this odd pose I would remain for +a long time, holding my breath and examining with extreme care +every atom of rock, every swirl of detritus. This was a task +which my Father could only perform by the help of a lens, with +which, of course, he took care to supplement my examination. But +that my survey was of use, he has himself most handsomely +testified in his Actinologia Britannica, where he expresses his +debt to the 'keen and well-practised eye of my little son'. Nor, +if boasting is not to be excluded, is it every eminent biologist, +every proud and masterful F.R.S., who can lay his hand on his +heart and swear that, before reaching the age of ten years, he +had added, not merely a new species, but a new genus to the +British fauna. That however, the author of these pages can do, +who, on 29 June 1859, discovered a tiny atom,--and ran in the +greatest agitation to announce the discovery of that object 'as a +form with which he was unacquainted',--which figures since then +on all lists of sea-anemones as phellia murocincta, or the walled +corklet. Alas! that so fair a swallow should have made no +biological summer in after-life. + +These delicious agitations by the edge of the salt-sea wave must +have greatly improved my health, which however was still looked +upon as fragile. I was loaded with coats and comforters, and +strolled out between Miss Marks and Mary Grace Burmington, a +muffled ball of flannel. This alone was enough to give me a look +of delicacy which the 'saints', in their blunt way, made no +scruple of commenting upon to my face. I was greatly impressed by +a conversation held over my bed one evening by the servants. Our +cook, Susan, a person of enormous size, and Kate, the tattling, +tiresome parlour-maid who waited upon us, on the summer evening I +speak of were standing--I cannot tell why--on each side of my +bed. I shut my eyes, and lay quite still, in order to escape +conversing with them, and they spoke to one another. 'Ah, poor +lamb,' Kate said trivially, 'he's not long for this world; going +home to Jesus, he is,--in a jiffy, I should say by the look of +'un.' But Susan answered: 'Not so. I dreamed about 'un, and I +know for sure that he is to be spared for missionary service.' +'Missionary service?' repeated Kate, impressed. 'Yes,' Susan went +on, with solemn emphasis, 'he'll bleed for his Lord in heathen +parts, that's what the future have in store for 'im.' When they +were gone, I beat upon the coverlid with my fists, and I +determined that whatever happened, I would not, not, not, go out +to preach the Gospel among horrid, tropical niggers. + +CHAPTER VII + +IN the history of an infancy so cloistered and uniform as mine, +such a real adventure as my being publicly and successfully +kidnapped cannot be overlooked. There were several 'innocents' in +our village-- harmless eccentrics who had more or less +unquestionably crossed the barrier which divides the sane from +the insane. They were not discouraged by public opinion; indeed, +several of them were favoured beings, suspected by my Father of +exaggerating their mental density in order to escape having to +work, like dogs, who, as we all know, could speak as well as we +do, were they not afraid of being made to fetch and carry. Miss +Mary Flaw was not one of these imbeciles. She was what the French +call a detraquee; she had enjoyed good intelligence and an active +mind, but her wits had left the rails and were careening about +the country. Miss Flaw was the daughter of a retired Baptist +minister, and she lived, with I remember not what relations, in a +little solitary house high up at Barton Cross, whither Mary Grace +and I would sometimes struggle when our pastoral duties were +over. In later years, when I met with those celebrated verses in +which the philosopher expresses the hope + +In the downhill of life, when I find I'm declining, +May my lot no less fortunate be +Than a snug elbow-chair can afford for reclining, +And a cot that o'erlooks the wide sea + +my thoughts returned instinctively, and they still return, to the +high abode of Miss Flaw. There was a porch at her door, both for +shelter and shade, and it was covered with jasmine; but the charm +of the place was a summer-house close by, containing a table, +encrusted with cowry-shells, and seats from which one saw the +distant waters of the bay. At the entrance to this grotto there +was always set a 'snug elbow-chair', destined, I suppose, for the +Rev. Mr. Flaw, or else left there in pious memory of him, since I +cannot recollect whether he was alive or dead. + +I delighted in these visits to Mary Flaw. She always received us +with effusion, tripping forward to meet us, and leading us, each +by a hand held high, with a dancing movement which I thought +infinitely graceful, to the cowry-shell bower, where she would +regale us with Devonshire cream and with small hard biscuits that +were like pebbles. The conversation of Mary Flaw was a great +treat to me. I enjoyed its irregularities, its waywardness; it +was like a tune that wandered into several keys. As Mary Grace +Burmington put it, one never knew what dear Mary Flaw would say +next, and that she did not herself know added to the charm. She +had become crazed, poor thing, in consequence of a disappointment +in love, but of course I did not know that, nor that she was +crazed at all. I thought her brilliant and original, and I liked +her very much. In the light of coming events, it would be +affectation were I to pretend that she did not feel a similar +partiality for me. + +Miss Flaw was, from the first, devoted to my Father's +ministrations, and it was part of our odd village indulgence that +no one ever dreamed of preventing her from coming to the Room. On +Sunday evenings the bulk of the audience was arranged on forms, +with backs to them, set in the middle of the floor, with a +passage round them, while other forms were placed against the +walls. My Father preached from a lectern, facing the audience. If +darkness came on in the course of the service, Richard Moxhay, +glimmering in his cream-white corduroys, used to go slowly +around, lighting groups of tallow candles by the help of a box of +lucifers. Mary Flaw always assumed the place of honour, on the +left extremity of the front bench, immediately opposite my +Father. Miss Marks and Mary Grace, with me ensconced and almost +buried between them, occupied the right of the same bench. While +the lighting proceeded, Miss Flaw used to direct it from her +seat, silently, by pointing out to Moxhay, who took no notice, +what groups of candles he should light next. She did this just as +the clown in the circus directs the grooms how to move the +furniture, and Moxhay paid no more attention to her than the +grooms do to the clown. Miss Flaw had another peculiarity: she +silently went through a service exactly similar to ours, but much +briefer. The course of our evening service was this: My Father +prayed, and we all knelt down; then he gave out a hymn and most +of us stood up to sing; then he preached for about an hour, while +we sat and listened; then a hymn again; then prayer and the +valediction. + +Mary Flaw went through this ritual, but on a smaller scale. We +all knelt down together, but when we rose from our knees, Miss +Flaw was already standing up, and was pretending, without a +sound, to sing a hymn; in the midst of our hymn, she sat down, +opened her Bible, found a text, and then leaned back, her eyes +fixed in space, listening to an imaginary sermon which our own +real one soon caught up, and coincided with for about three- +quarters of an hour. Then, while our sermon went peacefully on, +Miss Flaw would rise, and sing in silence (if I am permitted to +use such an expression) her own visionary hymn; then she would +kneel down and pray, then rise, collect her belongings, and +sweep, in fairy majesty, out of the chapel, my Father still +rounding his periods from the pulpit. Nobody ever thought of +preventing these movements, or of checking the poor creature in +her innocent flightiness, until the evening of the great event. + +It was all my own fault. Mary Flaw had finished her imaginary +service earlier than usual. She had stood up alone with her hymn- +book before her; she had flung herself on her knees alone, in the +attitude of devotion; she had risen; she had seated herself for a +moment to put on her gloves, and to collect her Bible, her hymn- +book and her pocket-handkerchief in her reticule. She was ready +to start, and she looked around her with a pleasant air; my +Father, all undisturbed, booming away meanwhile over our heads. I +know not why the manoeuvres of Miss Flaw especially attracted me +that evening, but I leaned out across Miss Marks and I caught +Miss Flaw's eye. She nodded, I nodded; and the amazing deed was +done, I hardly know how. Miss Flaw, with incredible swiftness, +flew along the line, plucked me by the coat-collar from between +my paralysed protectresses, darted with me down the chapel and +out into the dark, before anyone had time to say 'Jack Robinson'. + +My Father gazed from the pulpit and the stream of exhortation +withered on his lips. No one in the body of the audience stirred; +no one but himself had clearly seen what had happened. Vague rows +of 'saints' with gaping countenances stared up at him, while he +shouted, 'Will nobody stop them? as we whisked out through the +doorway. Forth into the moist night we went, and up the lampless +village, where, a few minutes later, the swiftest of the +congregation, with my Father at their head, found us sitting on +the doorstep of the butcher's shop. My captor was now quite +quiet, and made no objection to my quitting her,--'without a +single kiss or a goodbye', as the poet says. + +Although I had scarcely felt frightened at the time, doubtless my +nerves were shaken by this escapade, and it may have had +something to do with the recurrence of the distressing visions +from which I had suffered as a very little child. These came +back, with a force and expansion due to my increased maturity. I +had hardly laid my head down on the pillow, than, as it seemed to +me, I was taking part in a mad gallop through space. Some force, +which had tight hold of me, so that I felt myself an atom in its +grasp, was hurrying me on over an endless slender bridge, under +which on either side a loud torrent rushed at a vertiginous depth +below. At first our helpless flight,--for I was bound hand and +foot like Mazeppa,--proceeded in a straight line, but presently +it began to curve, and we raced and roared along, in what +gradually became a monstrous vortex, reverberant with noises, +loud with light, while, as we proceeded, enormous concentric +circles engulfed us, and wheeled above and about us. It seemed as +if we,--I, that is, and the undefined force which carried me,-- +were pushing feverishly on towards a goal which our whole +concentrated energies were bent on reaching, but which a frenzied +despair in my heart told me we never could reach, yet the +attainment of which alone could save us from destruction. Far +away, in the pulsation of the great luminous whorls, I could just +see that goal, a ruby-coloured point waxing and waning, and it +bore, or to be exact it consisted of the letters of the word +CARMINE. + +This agitating vision recurred night after night, and filled me +with inexpressible distress. The details of it altered very +little, and I knew what I had to expect when I crept into bed. I +knew that for a few minutes I should be battling with the chill +of the linen sheets, and trying to keep awake, but that then, +without a pause, I should slip into that terrible realm of storm +and stress in which I was bound hand and foot, and sent galloping +through infinity. Often have I wakened, with unutterable joy, to +find my Father and Miss Marks, whom my screams had disturbed, +standing one on each side of my bed. They could release me from +my nightmare, which seldom assailed me twice a night-- but how to +preserve me from its original attack passed their understanding. +My Father, in his tenderness, thought to exorcize the demon by +prayer. He would appear in the bedroom, just as I was first +slipping into bed, and he would kneel at my side. The light from +a candle on the mantel-shelf streamed down upon his dark head of +hair while his face was buried in the coverlid, from which a loud +voice came up, a little muffled, begging that I might be +preserved against all the evil spirits that walk in darkness and +that the deep might not swallow me up. + +This little ceremony gave a distraction to my thoughts, and may +have been useful in that way. But it led to an unfortunate +circumstance. My Father began to enjoy these orisons at my +bedside, and to prolong them. Perhaps they lasted a little too +long, but I contrived to keep awake through them, sometimes by a +great effort. On one unhappy night, however, I gave even worse +offense than slumber would have given. My Father was praying +aloud, in the attitude I have described, and I was half sitting, +half lying in bed, with the clothes sloping from my chin. +Suddenly a rather large insect-- dark and flat, with more legs +than a self-respecting insect ought to need-- appeared at the +bottom of the counterpane, and slowly advanced. I think it was +nothing worse than a beetle. It walked successfully past my +Father's sleek black ball of a head, and climbed straight up at +me, nearer, nearer, until it seemed all a twinkle of horns and +joints. I bore it in silent fascination until it almost tickled +my chin, and then I screamed 'Papa! Papa!' My Father rose in +great dudgeon, removed the insect (what were insects to him!) and +then gave me a tremendous lecture. + +The sense of desperation which this incident produced I shall not +easily forget. Life seemed really to be very harassing when to +visions within and beetles without there was joined the +consciousness of having grievously offended God by an act of +disrespect. It is difficult for me to justify to myself the +violent jobation which my Father gave me in consequence of my +scream, except by attributing to him something of the human +weakness of vanity. I cannot help thinking that he liked to hear +himself speak to God in the presence of an admiring listener. He +prayed with fervour and animation, in pure Johnsonian English, +and I hope I am not undutiful if I add my impression that he was +not displeased with the sound of his own devotions. My cry for +help had needlessly, as he thought, broken in upon this holy and +seemly performance. 'You, the child of a naturalist,' he remarked +in awesome tones, 'you to pretend to feel terror at the advance +of an insect?' It could but be a pretext, he declared, for +avoiding the testimony of faith in prayer. 'If your heart were +fixed, if it panted after the Lord, it would take more than the +movements of a beetle to make you disturb oral supplication at +His footstool. Beware! for God is a jealous God and He consumes +them in wrath who make a noise like a dog.' + +My Father took at all times a singular pleasure in repeating that +'our God is a jealous God'. He liked the word, which I suppose he +used in an antiquated sense. He was accustomed to tell the +'saints' at the Room,--in a very genial manner, and smiling at +them as he said it,--'I am jealous over you, my beloved brothers +and sisters, with a godly jealousy.' I know that this was +interpreted by some of the saints,--for I heard Mary Grace say so +to Miss Marks--as meaning that my Father was resentful because +some of them attended the service at the Wesleyan chapel on +Thursday evenings. But my Father was utterly incapable of such +littleness as this, and when he talked of 'jealousy' he meant a +lofty solicitude, a careful watchfulness. He meant that their +spiritual honour was a matter of anxiety to him. No doubt when he +used to tell me to remember that our God is a jealous God, he +meant that my sins and shortcomings were not matters of +indifference to the Divine Being. But I think, looking back, that +it was very extraordinary for a man, so instructed and so +intelligent as he, to dwell so much on the possible anger of the +Lord, rather than on his pity and love. The theory of extreme +Puritanism can surely offer no quainter example of its fallacy +than this idea that the omnipotent Jehovah--could be seriously +offended, and could stoop to revenge, because a little, nervous +child of nine had disturbed a prayer by being frightened at a +beetle. + +The fact that the word 'Carmine' appeared as the goal of my +visionary pursuits is not so inexplicable as it may seem. My +Father was at this time producing numerous water-colour drawings +of minute and even of microscopic forms of life. These he +executed in the manner of miniature, with an amazing fidelity of +form and with a brilliancy of colour which remains unfaded after +fifty years. By far the most costly of his pigments was the +intense crimson which is manufactured out of the very spirit and, +essence of cochineal. I had lately become a fervent imitator of +his works of art, and I was allowed to use all of his colours, +except one; I was strictly forbidden to let a hair of my paint- +brush touch the little broken mass of carmine which was all that +he possessed. We believed, but I do not know whether this could +be the fact, that carmine of this superlative quality was sold at +a guinea a cake. 'Carmine', therefore, became my shibboleth of +self-indulgence; it was a symbol of all that taste and art and +wealth could combine to produce. I imagined, for instance, that +at Belshazzar's feast, the loftiest epergne of gold, surrounded +by flowers and jewels, carried the monarch's proudest possession, +a cake of carmine. I knew of no object in the world of luxury +more desirable than this, and its obsession in my waking hours is +quite enough, I think, to account for 'carmine' having been the +torment of my dreams. + +The little incident of the beetle displays my Father's mood at +this period in its worst light. His severity was not very +creditable, perhaps, to his good sense, but without a word of +explanation it may seem even more unreasonable than it was. My +Father might have been less stern to my lapses from high conduct, +and my own mind at the same time less armoured against his +arrows, if our relations had been those which exist in an +ordinary religious family. He would have been more indulgent, and +my own affections might nevertheless have been more easily +alienated, if I had been treated by him as a commonplace child, +standing as yet outside the pale of conscious Christianity. But +he had formed the idea, and cultivated it assiduously, that I was +an ame d'elite, a being to whom the mysteries of salvation had +been divinely revealed and by whom they had been accepted. I was, +to his partial fancy, one in whom the Holy Ghost had already +performed a real and permanent work. Hence, I was inside the +pale; I had attained that inner position which divided, as we +used to say, the Sheep from the Goats. Another little boy might +be very well-behaved, but if he had not consciously 'laid hold on +Christ', his good deeds, so far, were absolutely useless. Whereas +I might be a very naughty boy, and require much chastisement from +God and man, but nothing--so my Father thought--could invalidate +my election, and sooner or later, perhaps even after many +stripes, I must inevitably be brought back to a state of grace. + +The paradox between this unquestionable sanctification by faith +and my equally unquestionable naughtiness, occupied my Father +greatly at this time. He made it a frequent subject of +intercession at family prayers, not caring to hide from the +servants misdemeanours of mine, which he spread out with a +melancholy unction before the Lord. He cultivated the belief that +all my little ailments, all my aches and pains, were sent to +correct my faults. He carried this persuasion very far, even +putting this exhortation before, instead of after, an instant +relief of my sufferings. If I burned my finger with a sulphur +match, or pinched the end of my nose in the door (to mention but +two sorrows that recur to my memory), my Father would solemnly +ejaculate: ' Oh may these afflictions be much sanctified to him!' +before offering any remedy for my pain. So that I almost longed, +under the pressure of these pangs, to be a godless child, who had +never known the privileges of saving grace, since I argued that +such a child would be subjected to none of the sufferings which +seemed to assail my path. + +What the ideas or conduct of 'another child' might be I had, +however, at this time no idea, for, strange as it may sound, I +had not, until my tenth year was far advanced, made acquaintance +with any such creature. The 'saints' had children, but I was not +called upon to cultivate their company, and I had not the +slightest wish to do so. But early in 1859 I was allowed, at +last, to associate with a child of my own age. I do not recall +that this permission gave me any rapture; I accepted it +philosophically but without that delighted eagerness which I +might have been expected to show. My earliest companion, then, +was a little boy of almost exactly my own age. His name was +Benny, which no doubt was short for Benjamin. His surname was +Jeffries; his mother--I think he had no father--was a solemn and +shadowy lady of means who lived in a villa, which was older and +much larger than ours, on the opposite side of the road. Going to +'play with Benny' involved a small public excursion, and this I +was now allowed to make by myself--an immense source of self- +respect. + +Everything in my little memories seems to run askew; obviously I +ought to have been extremely stirred and broadened by this +earliest association with a boy of my own age! Yet I cannot truly +say that it was so. Benny's mother possessed what seemed to me a +vast domain, with lawns winding among broad shrubberies, and a +kitchen-garden, with aged fruit-trees in it. The ripeness of this +place, mossed and leafy, was gratifying to my senses, on which +the rawness of our own bald garden jarred. There was an old brick +wall between the two divisions, upon which it was possible for us +to climb up, and from this we gained Pisgah-views which were a +prodigious pleasure. But I had not the faintest idea how to +'play'; I had never learned, had never heard of any 'games'. I +think Benny must have lacked initiative almost as much as I did. +We walked about, and shook the bushes, and climbed along the +wall; I think that was almost all we ever did do. And, sadly +enough, I cannot recover a phrase from Benny's lips, nor an +action, nor a gesture, although I remember quite clearly how some +grown-up people of that time looked, and the very words they +said. + +For example, I recollect Miss Wilkes very distinctly, since I +studied her with great deliberation, and with a suspicious +watchfulness that was above my years. In Miss Wilkes a type that +had hitherto been absolutely unfamiliar to us obtruded upon our +experience. In our Eveless Eden, Woman, if not exactly hirsuta et +horrida, had always been 'of a certain age'. But Miss Wilkes was +a comparatively young thing, and she advanced not by any means +unconscious of her charms. All was feminine, all was impulsive, +about Miss Wilkes; every gesture seemed eloquent with girlish +innocence and the playful dawn of life. In actual years I fancy +she was not so extremely youthful, since she was the responsible +and trusted headmistress of a large boarding-school for girls, +but in her heart the joy of life ran high. Miss Wilkes had a +small, round face, with melting eyes, and when she lifted her +head, her ringlets seemed to vibrate and shiver like the bells of +a pagoda. She had a charming way of clasping her hands, and +holding them against her bodice, while she said, 'Oh, but--really +now?' in a manner inexpressibly engaging. She was very earnest, +and she had a pleading way of calling out: 'O, but aren't you +teasing me?' which would have brought a tiger fawning to her +crinoline. + +After we had spent a full year without any social distractions, +it seems that our circle of acquaintances had now begun to +extend, in spite of my Father's unwillingness to visit his +neighbours. He was a fortress that required to be stormed, but +there was considerable local curiosity about him, so that by-and- +by escalading parties were formed, some of which were partly +successful. In the first place, Charles Kingsley had never +hesitated to come, from the beginning, ever since our arrival. He +had reason to visit our neighbouring town rather frequently, and +on such occasions he always marched up and attacked us. It was +extraordinary how persistent he was, for my Father must have been +a very trying friend. I vividly recollect that a sort of cross- +examination of would-be communicants was going on in our half- +furnished drawing-room one weekday morning, when Mr. Kingsley was +announced; my Father, in stentorian tones, replied: 'Tell Mr. +Kingsley that I am engaged in examining Scripture with certain of +the Lord's children.' And I, a little later, kneeling at the +window, while the candidates were being dismissed with prayer, +watched the author of Hypatia nervously careening about the +garden, very restless and impatient, yet preferring this ignominy +to the chance of losing my Father's company altogether. Kingsley, +a daring spirit, used sometimes to drag us out trawling with him +in Torbay, and although his hawk's beak and rattling voice +frightened me a little, his was always a jolly presence that +brought some refreshment to our seriousness. + +But the other visitors who came in Kingsley's wake and without +his excuse-- how they disturbed us! We used to be seated, my +Father at his microscope, I with my map or book, in the down- +stairs room we called the study. There would be a hush around us +in which you could hear a sea-anemone sigh. Then, abruptly, would +come a ring at the front door; my Father would bend at me a +corrugated brow, and murmur, under his breath, 'What's that? and +then, at the sound o£ footsteps, would bolt into the verandah, +and around the garden into the potting-shed. If it was no visitor +more serious than the postman or the tax-gatherer, I used to go +forth and coax the timid wanderer home. If it was a caller, above +all a female caller, it was my privilege to prevaricate, +remarking innocently that 'Papa is out!' + +Into a paradise so carefully guarded, I know not how that serpent +Miss Wilkes could penetrate, but there she was. She 'broke bread' +with the Brethren at the adjacent town, from which she carried on +strategical movements, which were, up to a certain point, highly +successful. She professed herself deeply interested in +microscopy, and desired that some of her young ladies should +study it also. She came attended by an unimportant man, and by +pupils to whom I had sometimes, very unwillingly, to show our +'natural objects'. They would invade us, and all our quietness +with chattering noise; I could bear none of them, and I was +singularly drawn to Miss Marks by finding that she disliked them +too. + +By whatever arts she worked, Miss Wilkes certainly achieved a +certain ascendancy. When the knocks came at the front door, I was +now instructed to see whether the visitor were not she, before my +Father bolted to the potting-shed. She was an untiring listener, +and my Father had a genius for instruction. Miss Wilkes was never +weary of expressing what a revelation of the wonderful works of +God in creation her acquaintance with us had been. She would gaze +through the microscope at awful forms, and would persevere until +the silver rim which marked the confines of the drop of water +under inspection would ripple inwards with a flash of light and +vanish, because the drop itself had evaporated. 'Well, I can only +say, how marvellous are Thy doings!' was a frequent ejaculation +of Miss Wilkes, and one that was very well received. She learned +the Latin names of many of the species, and it seems quite +pathetic to me, looking back, to realize how much trouble the +poor woman took. She 'hung', as the expression is, upon my +Father's every word, and one instance of this led to a certain +revelation. + +My Father, who had an extraordinary way of saying anything what +Came into his mind, stated one day,--the fashions, I must suppose, +being under discussion,--that he thought white the only becoming +colour for a lady's stockings. The stockings of Miss Wilkes had +up to that hour been of a deep violet, but she wore white ones in +future whenever she came to our house. This delicacy would have +been beyond my unaided infant observation, but I heard Miss Marks +mention the matter, in terms which they supposed to be secret, to +her confidante, and I verified it at the ankles of the lady. Miss +Marks continued by saying, in confidence, and 'quite as between +you and me, dear Mary Grace', that Miss Wilkes was a 'minx'. I +had the greatest curiosity about words, and as this was a new +one, I looked it up in our large English Dictionary. But there +the definition of the term was this:--'Minx: the female of +minnock; a pert wanton.' I was as much in the dark as ever. + +Whether she was the female of a minnock (whatever that may be) or +whether she was only a very well-meaning schoolmistress desirous +of enlivening a monotonous existence, Miss Wilkes certainly took +us out of ourselves a good deal. Did my Father know what danger +he ran? It was the opinion of Miss Marks and of Mary Grace that +he did not, and in the back-kitchen, a room which served those +ladies as a private oratory in the summer-time, much prayer was +offered up that his eyes might be opened ere it was too late. But +I am inclined to think that they were open all the time, that, at +all events, they were what the French call entr'ouvert, that +enough light for practical purposes came sifted in through his +eyelashes. At a later time, being reminded of Miss Wilkes, he +said with a certain complaisance, 'Ah, yes! she proffered much +entertainment during my widowed years!' He used to go down to her +boarding-school, the garden of which had been the scene of a +murder, and was romantically situated on the edge of a quarried +cliff; he always took me with him, and kept me at his side all +through these visits, notwithstanding Miss Wilkes' solicitude that +the fatigue and excitement would be too much for the dear child's +strength, unless I rested a little on the parlour sofa. + +About this time, the question of my education came up for +discussion in the household, as indeed it well might. Miss Marks +had long proved practically inadequate in this respect, her +slender acquirements evaporating, I suppose, like the drops of +water under the microscope, while the field of her general duties +became wider. The subjects in which I took pleasure, and upon +which I possessed books, I sedulously taught myself; the other +subjects, which formed the vast majority, I did not learn at all. +Like Aurora Leigh, + +I brushed with extreme flounce +The circle of the universe, + +especially zoology, botany and astronomy, but with the explicit +exception of geology, which my Father regarded as tending +directly to the encouragement of infidelity. I copied a great +quantity of maps, and read all the books of travels that I could +find. But I acquired no mathematics, no languages, no history, so +that I was in danger of gross illiteracy in these important +departments. + +My Father grudged the time, but he felt it a duty to do something +to fill up these deficiencies, and we now started Latin, in a +little eighteenth-century reading-book, out of which my +Grandfather had been taught. It consisted of strings of words, +and of grim arrangements of conjunction and declension, presented +in a manner appallingly unattractive. I used to be set down in +the study, under my Father's eye, to learn a solid page of this +compilation, while he wrote or painted. The window would be open +in summer, and my seat was close to it. Outside, a bee was +shaking the clematis-blossom, or a red-admiral butterfly was +opening and shutting his wings on the hot concrete of the +verandah, or a blackbird was racing across the lawn. It was +almost more than human nature could bear to have to sit holding +up to my face the dreary little Latin book, with its sheepskin +cover that smelt of mildewed paste. + +But out of this strength there came an unexpected sudden +sweetness. The exercise of hearing me repeat my strings of nouns +and verbs had revived in my Father his memories of the classics. +In the old solitary years, a long time ago, by the shores of +Canadian rapids, on the edge of West Indian swamps, his Virgil had +been an inestimable solace to him. To extremely devout persons, +there is something objectionable in most of the great writers of +antiquity. Horace, Lucretius, Terence, Catullus, Juvenal,--in +each there is one quality or another definitely repulsive to a +reader who is determined to know nothing but Christ and him +crucified. From time immemorial, however, it has been recognized +in the Christian church that this objection does not apply to +Virgil. He is the most evangelical of the classics; he is the one +who can be enjoyed with least to explain away and least to +excuse. One evening my Father took down his Virgil from an upper +shelf, and his thoughts wandered away from surrounding things; he +travelled in the past again. The book was a Delphin edition of +1798, which had followed him in all his wanderings; there was a +great scratch on the sheep-skin cover that a thorn had made in a +forest of Alabama. And then, in the twilight, as he shut the +volume at last, oblivious of my presence, he began to murmur and +to chant the adorable verses by memory. + +Tityre, tu patulae recubans sub tegmine fagi, + +he warbled; and I stopped my play, and listened as if to a +nightingale, until he reached + + tu, Tityre, lentus in umbra +Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvan. + +'Oh Papa, what is that?' I could not prevent myself from asking. +He translated the verses, he explained their meaning, but his +exposition gave me little interest. What to me was beautiful +Amaryllis? She and her love-sick Tityrus awakened no image +whatever in my mind. + +But a miracle had been revealed to me, the incalculable, the +amazing beauty which could exist in the sound of verses. My +prosodical instinct was awakened quite suddenly that dim evening, +as my Father and I sat alone in the breakfast-room after tea, +serenely accepting the hour, for once, with no idea of +exhortation or profit. Verse, 'a breeze mid blossoms playing', as +Coleridge says, descended from the roses as a moth might have +done, and the magic of it took hold of my heart forever. I +persuaded my Father, who was a little astonished at my +insistence, to repeat the lines over and over again. At last my +brain caught them, and as I walked in Benny's garden, or as I +hung over the tidal pools at the edge of the sea, all my inner +being used to ring out with the sound of + +Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvan. + +CHAPTER VIII + +IN the previous chapter I have dwelt on some of the lighter +conditions of our life at this time; I must now turn to it in a +less frivolous aspect. As my tenth year advanced, the development +of my character gave my Father, I will not say anxiety, but +matter for serious reflection. My intelligence was now perceived +to be taking a sudden start; visitors drew my Father's attention +to the fact that I was 'coming out so much'. I grew rapidly in +stature, having been a little shrimp of a thing up to that time, +and I no longer appeared much younger than my years. Looking +back, I do not think that there was any sudden mental +development, but that the change was mainly a social one. I had +been reserved, timid and taciturn; I had disliked the company of +strangers. But with my tenth year, I certainly unfolded, so far +as to become sociable and talkative, and perhaps I struck those +around me as grown 'clever', because I said the things which I +had previously only thought. There was a change, no doubt, yet I +believe that it was mainly physical, rather than mental. My +excessive fragility--or apparent fragility, for I must have been +always wiry--decreased; I slept better, and therefore, grew less +nervous; I ate better, and therefore put on flesh. If I preserved +a delicate look--people still used to say in my presence, 'That +dear child is not long for this world!'- it was in consequence of +a sort of habit into which my body had grown; it was a +transparency which did not speak of what was in store for me, but +of what I had already passed through. + +The increased activity of my intellectual system now showed +itself in what I behove to be a very healthy form, direct +imitation. The rage for what is called 'originality' is pushed to +such a length in these days that even children are not considered +promising, unless they attempt things preposterous and +unparalleled. From his earliest hour, the ambitious person is +told that to make a road where none has walked before, to do +easily what it is impossible for others to do at all, to create +new forms of thought and expression, are the only recipes for +genius; and in trying to escape on all sides from every +resemblance to his predecessors, he adopts at once an air of +eccentricity and pretentiousness. This continues to be the +accepted view of originality; but, in spite of this conventional +opinion, I hold that the healthy sign of an activity of mind in +early youth is not to be striving after unheard-of miracles, but +to imitate closely and carefully what is being said and done in +the vicinity. The child of a great sculptor will hang about the +studio, and will try to hammer a head out of a waste piece of +marble with a nail; it does not follow that he too will be a +sculptor. The child of a politician will sit in committee with a +row of empty chairs, and will harangue an imaginary senate from +behind the curtains. I, the son of a man who looked through a +microscope and painted what he saw there, would fair observe for +myself, and paint my observations. It did not follow, alas! that +I was built to be a miniature-painter or a savant, but the +activity of a childish intelligence was shown by my desire to +copy the results of such energy as I saw nearest at hand. + +In the secular direction, this now took the form of my preparing +little monographs on seaside creatures, which were arranged, +tabulated and divided as exactly as possible on the pattern of +those which my Father was composing for his Actinologia +Britannica. I wrote these out upon sheets of paper of the same +size as his printed page, and I adorned them with water-colour +plates, meant to emulate his precise and exquisite illustrations. +One or two of these ludicrous pastiches are still preserved, and +in glancing at them now I wonder, not at any skill that they +possess, but at the perseverance and the patience, the evidence +of close and persistent labour. I was not set to these tasks by +my Father, who, in fact, did not much approve of them. He was +touched, too, with the 'originality' heresy, and exhorted me not +to copy him, but to go out into the garden or the shore and +describe something new, in a new way. That was quite impossible; +I possessed no initiative. But I can now well understand why my +Father, very indulgently and good-temperedly, deprecated these +exercises of mine. They took up, and, as he might well think, +wasted, an enormous quantity of time; and they were, moreover, +parodies, rather than imitations, of his writings, for I invented +new species, with sapphire spots and crimson tentacles and amber +bands, which were close enough to his real species to be +disconcerting. He came from conscientiously shepherding the +flocks of ocean, and I do not wonder that my ring-straked, +speckled and spotted varieties put him out of countenance. If I +had not been so innocent and solemn, he might have fancied I was +mocking him. + +These extraordinary excursions into science, falsely so called, +occupied a large part of my time. There was a little spare room +at the back of our house, dedicated to lumber and to empty +portmanteaux. There was a table in it already, and I added a +stool; this cheerless apartment now became my study. I spent so +many hours here, in solitude and without making a sound, that my +Father's curiosity, if not his suspicion, was occasionally +aroused, and he would make a sudden raid on me. I was always +discovered, doubled up over the table, with my pen and ink, or +else my box of colours and tumbler of turbid water by my hand, +working away like a Chinese student shut up in his matriculating +box. + +It might have been done for a wager, if anything so simple had +ever been dreamed of in our pious household. The apparatus was +slow and laboured. In order to keep my uncouth handwriting in +bounds, I was obliged to rule not lines only, but borders to my +pages. The subject did not lend itself to any flow of language, +and I was obliged incessantly to borrow sentences, word for word, +from my Father's published books. Discouraged by everyone around +me, daunted by the laborious effort needful to carry out the +scheme, it seems odd to me now that I persisted in so strange and +wearisome an employment, but it became an absorbing passion, and +was indulged in to the neglect of other lessons and other +pleasures. + +My Father, as the spring advanced, used to come up to the +Boxroom, as my retreat was called, and hunt me out into the +sunshine. But I soon crept back to my mania. It gave him much +trouble, and Miss Marks, who thought it sheer idleness, was +vociferous in objection. She would gladly have torn up all my +writings and paintings, and have set me to a useful task. My +Father, with his strong natural individualism, could not take +this view. He was interested in this strange freak of mine, and +he could not wholly condemn it. But he must have thought is a +little crazy, and it is evident to me now that it led to the +revolution in domestic policy by which he began to encourage any +acquaintance with other young people as much as he had previously +discouraged it. He saw that I could not be allowed to spend my +whole time in a little stuffy room making solemn and ridiculous +imitations of Papers read before the Linnaean Society. He was +grieved, moreover, at the badness of my pictures, for I had no +native skill; and he tried to teach me his own system of +miniature-painting as applied to natural history. I was forced, +in deep depression of spirits, to turn from my grotesque +monographs, and paint under my Father's eye, and, from a finished +drawing of his, a gorgeous tropic bird in flight. Aided by my +habit of imitation, I did at length produce some thing which +might have shown promise, if it had not been wrung from me, touch +by touch, pigment by pigment, under the orders of a task-master. + +All this had its absurd side, but I seem to perceive that it had +also its value. It is, surely, a mistake to look too near at hand +for the benefits of education. What is actually taught in early +childhood is often that part of training which makes least +impression on the character, and is of the least permanent +importance. My labours failed to make me a zoologist, and the +multitude of my designs and my descriptions have left me +helplessly ignorant of the anatomy of a sea-anemone. Yet I cannot +look upon the mental discipline as useless. It taught me to +concentrate my attention, to define the nature of distinctions, +to see accurately, and to name what I saw. Moreover, it gave me +the habit of going on with any piece of work I had in hand, not +flagging because the interest or picturesqueness of the theme had +declined, but pushing forth towards a definite goal, well +foreseen and limited beforehand. For almost any intellectual +employment in later life, it seems to me that this discipline was +valuable. I am, however, not the less conscious how ludicrous was +the mode in which, in my tenth year, I obtained it. + +My spiritual condition occupied my Father's thoughts very +insistently at this time. Closing, as he did, most of the doors +of worldly pleasure and energy upon his conscience, he had +continued to pursue his scientific investigations without any +sense of sin. Most fortunate it was, that the collecting of +marine animals in the tidal pools, and the description of them in +pages which were addressed to the wide scientific public, at no +time occurred to him as in any way inconsistent with his holy +calling. His conscience was so delicate, and often so morbid in +its delicacy, that if that had occurred to him, he would +certainly have abandoned his investigations, and have been left +without an employment. But happily he justified his investigation +by regarding it as a glorification of God's created works. In the +introduction of his Actinologia Britannica, written at the time +which I have now reached in this narrative, he sent forth his +labours with a phrase which I should think unparalleled in +connection with a learned and technical biological treatise. He +stated, concerning that book, that he published it 'as one more +tribute humbly offered to the glory of the Triune God, who is +wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working'. Scientific +investigation sincerely carried out in that spirit became a kind +of weekday interpretation of the current creed of Sundays. + +The development of my faculties, of which I have spoken, extended +to the religious sphere no less than to the secular, Here, also, +as I look back, I see that I was extremely imitative. I expanded +in the warmth of my Father's fervour, and, on the whole, in a +manner that was satisfactory to him. He observed the richer hold +that I was now taking on life; he saw my faculties branching in +many directions, and he became very anxious to secure my +maintenance in grace. In earlier years, certain sides of my +character had offered a sort of passive resistance to his ideas. +I had let what I did not care to welcome pass over my mind in the +curious density that children adopt in order to avoid receiving +impressions--blankly, dumbly, achieving by stupidity what they +cannot achieve by argument. I think that I had frequently done +this; that he had been brought up against a dead wall; although +on other sides of my nature I had been responsive and docile. But +now, in my tenth year, the imitative faculty got the upper hand, +and nothing seemed so attractive as to be what I was expected to +be. If there was a doubt now, it lay in the other direction; it +seemed hardly normal that so young a child should appear so +receptive and so apt. + +My Father believed himself justified, at this juncture, in making +a tremendous effort. He wished to secure me finally, +exhaustively, before the age of puberty could dawn, before my +soul was fettered with the love of carnal things. He thought that +if I could now be identified with the 'saints', and could stand +on exactly their footing, a habit of conformity would be secured. +I should meet the paganizing tendencies of advancing years with +security if I could be forearmed with all the weapons of a +sanctified life. He wished me, in short, to be received into the +community of the Brethren on the terms of an adult. There were +difficulties in the way of carrying out this scheme, and they +were urged upon him, more or less courageously, by the elders of +the church. But he overbore them. What the difficulties were, and +what were the arguments which he used to sweep those difficulties +away, I must now explain, for in this lay the centre of our +future relations as father and son. + +In dealing with the peasants around him, among whom he was +engaged in an active propaganda, my Father always insisted on the +necessity of conversion. There must be a new birth and being, a +fresh creation in God. This crisis he was accustomed to regard as +manifesting itself in a sudden and definite upheaval. There might +have been prolonged practical piety, deep and true contrition for +sin, but these, although the natural and suitable prologue to +conversion, were not conversion itself. People hung on at the +confines of regeneration, often for a very long time; my Father +dealt earnestly with them, the elders ministered to them, with +explanation, exhortation and prayer. Such persons were in a +gracious state, but they were not in a state of grace. If they +should suddenly die, they would pass away in an unconverted +condition, and all that could be said in their favour was a vague +expression of hope that they would benefit from God's +uncovenanted mercies. + +But on some day, at some hour and minute, if life was spared to +them, the way of salvation would be revealed to these persons in +such an aspect that they would be enabled instantaneously to +accept it. They would take it consciously, as one takes a gift +from the hand that offers it. This act of taking was the process +of conversion, and the person who so accepted was a child of God +now, although a single minute ago he had been a child of wrath. +The very root of human nature had to be changed, and, in the +majority of cases, this change was sudden, patent, and palpable. + +I have just said, 'in the majority of cases', because my Father +admitted the possibility of exceptions. The formula was, 'If any +man hath not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.' As a rule, +no one could possess the Spirit of Christ, without a conscious +and full abandonment of the soul, and this, however carefully led +up to, and prepared for with tears and renunciations, was not, +could not, be made, except at a set moment of time. Faith, in an +esoteric and almost symbolic sense, was necessary, and could not +be a result of argument, but was a state of heart. In these +opinions my Father departed in no ways from the strict +evangelical doctrine of the Protestant churches, but he held it +in a mode and with a severity peculiar to himself. Now, it is +plain that this state of heart, this voluntary deed of +acceptance, presupposed a full and rational consciousness of the +relations of things. It might be clearly achieved by a person of +humble cultivation, but only by one who was fully capable of +independent thought, in other words by a more or less adult +person, The man or woman claiming the privileges of conversion +must be able to understand and to grasp what his religious +education was aiming at. + +It is extraordinary what trouble it often gave my Father to know +whether he was justified in admitting to the communion people of +very limited powers of expression. A harmless, humble labouring +man would come with a request-to be allowed to 'break bread'. It +was only by the use of strong leading questions that he could be +induced to mention Christ as the ground of his trust at all. I +recollect an elderly agricultural labourer being closeted for a +long time with my Father, who came out at last, in a sort of +dazed condition, and replied to our inquiries,--with a shrug of +his shoulders as he said it,--'I was obliged to put the Name and +Blood and Work of Jesus into his very mouth. It is true that he +assented cordially at last, but I confess I was grievously +daunted by the poor intelligence!' + +But there was, or there might be, another class of persona, whom +early training, separation from the world, and the care of godly +parents had so early familiarized with the acceptable calling of +Christ that their conversion had occurred, unperceived and +therefore unrecorded, at an extraordinarily earl age. It would be +in vain to look for a repetition of the phenomenon in those +cases. The heavenly fire must not be expected to descend a second +time; the lips are touched with the burning coal once, and once +only. If, accordingly, these precociously selected spirits are to +be excluded because no new birth is observed in them at a mature +age, they must continue outside in--he cold, since the phenomenon +cannot be repeated. When, therefore, there is not possible any +further doubt of their being in possession of salvation, longer +delay is useless, and worse than useless. The fact of conversion, +though not recorded nor even recollected, must be accepted on the +evidence of confession of faith, and as soon as the intelligence +is evidently developed, the person not merely may, but should be +accepted into communion, although still immature in body, +although in years still even a child. This my Father believed to +be my case, and in this rare class did he fondly persuade himself +to station me. + +As I have said, the congregation,--although docile and timid, and +little able, as units, to hold their own against their minister-- +behind his back were faintly hostile to this plan. None of their +own children had ever been so much as suggested for membership, +and each of themselves, in ripe years, had been subjected to +severe cross-examination. I think it was rather a bitter pill for +some of them to swallow that a pert little boy of ten should be +admitted, as a grown-up person, to all the hard-won privileges of +their order. Mary Grace Burmington came back from her visits to +the cottagers, reporting disaffection here and there, grumblings +in the rank and file. But quite as many, especially of the women, +enthusiastically supported my Father's wish, gloried aloud in the +manifestations of my early piety, and professed to see in it +something of miraculous promise. The expression 'another Infant +Samuel' was widely used. I became quite a subject of contention. +A war of the sexes threatened to break out over me; I was a +disturbing element at cottage breakfasts. I was mentioned at +public prayer-meetings, not indeed by name but, in the +extraordinary allusive way customary in our devotions, as 'one +amongst us of tender years' or as 'a sapling in the Lord's +vineyard'. + +To all this my Father put a stop in his own high-handed fashion. +After the morning meeting, one Sunday in the autumn of 1859, he +desired the attention of the Saints to a personal matter which +was, perhaps, not unfamiliar to them by rumour. That was, he +explained, the question of the admission of his, beloved little +son to the communion of saints in the breaking of bread. He +allowed--and I sat there in evidence, palely smiling at the +audience, my feet scarcely touching the ground--that I was not +what is styled adult; I was not, he frankly admitted, a grown-up +person. But I was adult in a knowledge of the Lord; I possessed +an insight into the plan of salvation which many a hoary head +might envy for its fullness, its clearness, its conformity with +Scripture doctrine. This was a palpable hit at more than one +stumbler and fumbler after the truth, and several hoary heads +were bowed. + +My Father then went on to explain very fully the position which I +have already attempted to define. He admitted the absence in my +case of a sudden, apparent act of conversion resulting upon +conviction of sin. But he stated the grounds of his belief that I +had, in still earlier infancy, been converted, and he declared +that if so, I ought no longer to be excluded from the privileges +of communion. He said, moreover, that he was willing on this +occasion to waive his own privilege as a minister, and that he +would rather call on Brother Fawkes and Brother Bere, the leading +elders, to examine the candidate in his stead. This was a master- +stroke, for Brothers Fawkes and Bere had been suspected of +leading the disaffection, and this threw all the burden of +responsibility on them. The meeting broke up in great amiability, +and my Father and I went home together in the very highest of +spirits. I, indeed, in my pride, crossed the verge of +indiscretion by saying: 'When I have been admitted to fellowship, +Papa, shall I be allowed to call you "beloved Brother"?' My +Father was too well pleased with the morning's work to be +critical. He laughed, and answered: ' That, my Love, though +strictly correct, would hardly, I fear, be thought judicious!' + +It was suggested that my tenth birthday, which followed this +public announcement by a few days, would be a capital occasion +for me to go through the ordeal. Accordingly, after dark (for our +new lamp was lighted for the first time in honour of the event), +I withdrew alone into our drawing-room, which had just, at +length, been furnished, and which looked, I thought, very smart. +Hither came to me, first Brother Fawkes, by himself; then Brother +Bere, by himself; and then both together, so that you may say, if +you are pedanticaly inclined, that I underwent three successive +interviews. My Father, out of sight somewhere, was, of course, +playing the part of stage manager. + +I felt not at all shy, but so highly strung that my whole nature +seemed to throb with excitement. My first examiner, on the other +hand, was extremely confused. Fawkes, who was a builder in a +small business of his own, was short and fat; his complexion, +which wore a deeper and more uniform rose-colour than usual, I +observed to be starred with dew-drops of nervous emotion, which +he wiped away at intervals with a large bandana handkerchief. He +was so long in coming to the point, that I was obliged to lead +him to it myself, and I sat up on the sofa in the full lamplight, +and testified my faith in the atonement with a fluency that +surprised myself. Before I had done, Fawkes, a middle-aged man +with the reputation of being a very stiff employer of labour, was +weeping like a child. + +Bere, the carpenter, a long, thin and dry man, with a curiously +immobile eye, did not fall so easily a prey to my fascinations. +He put me through my paces very sharply, for he had something of +the temper of an attorney mingled with his religiousness. +However, I was equal to him, and he, too, though he held his own +head higher, was not less impressed than Fawkes had been, by the +surroundings of the occasion. Neither of them had ever been in +our drawing-room since it was furnished, and I thought that each +of them noticed how smart the wallpaper was. Indeed, I believe I +drew their attention to it. After the two solitary examinations +were over, the elders came in again, as I have said, and they +prayed for a long time. We all three knelt at the sofa, I between +them. But by this time, to my great exaltation of spirits there +had succeeded an equally dismal depression. It was my turn now to +weep, and I dimly remember any Father coming into the room, and +my being carried up to bed, in a state of collapse and fatigue, +by the silent and kindly Miss Marks. + +On the following Sunday morning, I was the principal subject +which occupied an unusually crowded meeting. My Father, looking +whiter and yet darker than usual, called upon Brother Fawkes and +Brother Bere to state to the assembled saints what their +experiences had been in connexion with their visits to 'one' who +desired to be admitted to the breaking of bread. It was +tremendously exciting to me to hear myself spoken of with this +impersonal publicity, and I had no fear of the result. + +Events showed that I had no need of fear. Fawkes and Bere were +sometimes accused of a rivalry, which indeed broke out a few +years later, and gave my Father much anxiety and pain. But on +this occasion their unanimity was wonderful. Each strove to +exceed the other in the tributes which they paid to any piety. My +answers had been so full and clear, my humility (save the mark!) +had been so sweet, my acquaintance with Scripture so amazing, my +testimony to all the leading principles of salvation so distinct +and exhaustive, that they could only say that they had felt +confounded, and yet deeply cheered and led far along their own +heavenly path, by hearing such accents fall from the lips of a +babe and a suckling. I did not like being described as a +suckling, but every lot has its crumpled rose-leaf, and in all +other respects the report of the elders was a triumph. My Father +then clenched the whole matter by rising and announcing that I +had expressed an independent desire to confess the Lord by the +act of public baptism, immediately after which I should be +admitted to communion 'as an adult'. Emotion ran so high at this, +that a large portion of the congregation insisted on walking with +us back to our garden-gate, to the stupefaction of the rest of +the villagers. + +My public baptism was the central event of my whole childhood. +Everything, since the earliest dawn of consciousness, seemed to +have been leading up to it. Everything, afterwards, seemed to be +leading down and away from it. The practice of immersing +communicants on the sea-beach at Oddicombe had now been +completely abandoned, but we possessed as yet no tank for a +baptismal purpose in our own Room. The Room in the adjoining +town, however, was really quite a large chapel, and it was amply +provided with the needful conveniences. It was our practice, +therefore, at this time, to claim the hospitality of our +neighbours. Baptisms were made an occasion for friendly relations +between the two congregations, and led to pleasant social +intercourse. I believe that the ministers and elders of the two +meetings arranged to combine their forces at these times, and to +baptize communicants from both congregations. + +The minister of the town meeting was Mr. S., a very handsome old +gentleman, of venerable and powerful appearance. He had snowy +hair and a long white beard, but from under shaggy eyebrows there +blazed out great black eyes which warned the beholder that the +snow was an ornament and not a sign of decrepitude. The eve of my +baptism at length drew near; it was fixed for October 12, almost +exactly three weeks after my tenth birthday. I was dressed in old +clothes, and a suit of smarter things was packed up in a carpet- +bag. After nightfall, this carpet-bag, accompanied by my Father, +myself, Miss Marks and Mary Grace, was put in a four-wheeled cab, +and driven, a long way in the dark, to the chapel of our friends. +There we were received, in a blaze of lights, with a pressure of +hands, with a murmur of voices, with ejaculations and even with +tears, and were conducted, amid unspeakable emotion, to places of +honour in the front row of the congregation. + +The scene was one which would have been impressive, not merely to +such hermits as we were, but even to worldly persons accustomed +to life and to its curious and variegated experiences. To me it +was dazzling beyond words, inexpressibly exciting, an initiation +to every kind of publicity and glory. There were many candidates, +but the rest of them,--mere grownup men and women,--gave thanks +aloud that it was their privilege to follow where I led. I was +the acknowledged hero of the hour. Those were days when newspaper +enterprise was scarcely in its infancy, and the event owed +nothing to journalistic effort; in spite of that, the news of +this remarkable ceremony, the immersion of a little boy of ten +years old 'as an adult', had spread far and wide through the +county in the course of three weeks. The chapel of our hosts was, +as I have said, very large; it was commonly too large for their +needs, but on this night it was crowded to the ceiling, and the +crowd had come--as every soft murmur assured me--to see me. + +There were people there who had travelled from Exeter, from +Dartmouth, from Totnes, to witness so extraordinary a ceremony. +There was one old woman of eighty-five who had come, my +neighbours whispered to me, all the way from Moreton-Hampstead, +on purpose to see me baptized. I looked at her crumpled +countenance with amazement, for there was no curiosity, no +interest visible in it. She sat there perfectly listless, looking +at nothing, but chewing between her toothless gums what appeared +to be a jujube. + +In the centre of the chapel-floor a number of planks had been +taken up and revealed a pool which might have been supposed to be +a small swimming-bath. We gazed down into this dark square of +mysterious waters, from the tepid surface of which faint swirls +of vapour rose. The whole congregation vas arranged, tier above +tier, about the four straight sides of this pool; every person +was able to see what happened in it without any unseemly +struggling or standing on forms. Mr. S. now rose, an impressive +hieratic figure, commanding attention and imploring perfect +silence. He held a small book in his hand, and he vas preparing +to give out the number of a hymn, when an astounding incident +took place. + +There was a great splash, and a tall young woman was perceived to +be in the baptismal pool, her arms waving above her head, and her +figure held upright in the water by the inflation of the air +underneath her crinoline which was blown out like a bladder, as +in some extravagant old fashion-plate. Whether her feet touched +the bottom of the font I cannot say, but I suppose they did so. +An indescribable turmoil of shrieks and cries followed on this +extraordinary apparition. A great many people excitedly called +upon other people to be calm, and an instance was given of the +remark of James Smith that + +He who, in quest of quiet, 'Silence!' hoots +Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. + +The young woman, in a more or less fainting condition, was +presently removed from the water, and taken into the sort of tent +which was prepared for candidates. It was found that she herself +had wished to be a candidate and had earnestly desired to be +baptized, but that this had been forbidden by her parents. On the +supposition that she fell in by accident, a pious coincidence was +detected in this affair; the Lord had pre-ordained that she +should be baptized in spite of all opposition. But my Father, in +his shrewd way, doubted. He pointed out to us, next morning, +that, in the first place, she had not, in any sense, been +baptized, as her head had not been immersed; and that, in the +second place, she must have deliberately jumped in, since, had +she stumbled and fallen forward, her hands and face would have +struck the water, whereas they remained quite dry. She belonged, +however, to the neighbour congregation, and we had no +responsibility to pursue the inquiry any further. + +Decorum being again secured, Mr. S., with unimpaired dignity, +proposed to the congregation a hymn, which was long enough to +occupy them during the preparations for the actual baptism. He +then retired to the vestry, and I (for I was to be the first to +testify) was led by Miss Marks and Mary Grace into the species of +tent of which I have just spoken. Its pale sides seemed to shake +with the jubilant singing of the saints outside, while part of my +clothing was removed and I was prepared for immersion. A sudden +cessation of the hymn warned us that to Minister was now ready, +and we emerged into the glare of lights and faces to find Mr. S. +already standing in the water up to his knees. Feeling as small +as one of our microscopical specimens, almost infinitesimally +tiny as I descended into his Titanic arms, I was handed down the +steps to him. He was dressed in a kind of long surplice, +underneath which--as I could not, even in that moment, help +observing--the air gathered in long bubbles which he strove to +flatten out. The end of his noble beard he had tucked away; his +shirt-sleeves were turned up at the wrist. + +The entire congregation was now silent, so silent that the +uncertain splashing of my feet as I descended seemed to deafen +one. Mr. S., a little embarrassed by my short stature, succeeded +at length in securing me with one palm on my chest and the other +between my shoulders. He said, slowly, in a loud, sonorous voice +that seemed to enter my brain and empty it, 'I baptize thee, my +Brother, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy +Ghost!' Having intoned this formula, he then gently flung me +backwards until I was wholly under the water, and then--as he +brought me up again, and tenderly steadied my feet on the steps +of the font, and delivered me, dripping and spluttering, into the +anxious hands of the women, who hurried me to the tent--the whole +assembly broke forth in a thunder of song, a paean of praise to +God for this manifestation of his marvellous goodness and mercy. +So great was the enthusiasm, that it could hardly be restrained +so as to allow the other candidates, the humdrum adults who +followed in my wet and glorious footsteps, to undergo a ritual +about which, in their case, no one in the congregation pretended +to be able to take even the most languid interest. + +My Father's happiness during the next few weeks it is not +pathetic to me to look back upon. His sternness melted into a +universal complaisance. He laughed and smiled, he paid to my +opinions the tribute of the gravest considerations, he indulged-- +utterly unlike his wont--in shy and furtive caresses. I could +express no wish that he did not attempt to fulfill, and the only +warning which he cared to give me was one, very gently expressed, +against spiritual pride. + +This was certainly required, for I was puffed out with a sense of +my own holiness. I was religiously confidential with my Father, +condescending with Miss Marks (who I think had given up trying to +make it all out), haughty with the servants, and insufferably +patronizing with those young companions of my own age with whom I +was now beginning to associate. + +I would fain close this remarkable episode on a key of solemnity, +but alas! If I am to be loyal to the truth, I must record that +some of the other little boys presently complained to Mary Grace +that I put out my tongue at them in mockery, during the service +in the Room, to remind them that I now broke bread as one of the +Saints and that they did not. + +CHAPTER IX + +THE result of my being admitted into the communion of the +'Saints' was that, as soon as the nine days' wonder of the thing +passed by, my position became, if anything, more harassing and +pressed than ever. It is true that freedom was permitted to me in +certain directions; I was allowed to act a little more on my own +responsibility, and was not so incessantly informed what 'the +Lord's will' might be in this matter and in that, because it was +now conceived that, in such dilemmas, I could command private +intelligence of my own. But there was no relaxation of our rigid +manner of life, and I think I now began, by comparing it with the +habits of others, to perceive how very strict it was. + +The main difference in my lot as a communicant from that of a +mere dweller in the tents of righteousness was that I was +expected to respond with instant fervour to every appeal of +conscience. When I did not do this, my position was almost worse +than it had been before, because of the livelier nature of the +responsibility which weighed upon me. My little faults of +conduct, too, assumed shapes of terrible importance, since they +proceeded from one so signally enlightened. My Father was never +tired of reminding me that, now that I was a professing +Christian, I must remember, in everything I did, that I was an +example to others. He used to draw dreadful pictures of +supposititious little boys who were secretly watching me from +afar, and whose whole career, in time and in eternity, might be +disastrously affected if I did not keep my lamp burning. + +The year which followed upon my baptism did not open very happily +at the Room. Considerable changes had now taken place in the +community. My Father's impressive services, a certain prestige in +his preaching, the mere fact that so vigorous a person was at the +head of affairs, had induced a large increase in the attendance. +By this time, if my memory does not fail me as to dates, we had +left the dismal loft over the stables, and had built ourselves a +perfectly plain, but commodious and well-arranged chapel in the +centre of the village. This greatly added to the prosperity of +the meeting. Everything had combined to make our services +popular, and had attracted to us a new element of younger people. +Numbers of youthful masons and carpenters, shop-girls and +domestic servants, found the Room a pleasant trysting--place, and +were more or less superficially induced to accept salvation as it +was offered to them in my Father's searching addresses. My Father +was very shrewd in dealing with mere curiosity or idle motive, +and sharply packed off any youths who simply came to make eyes at +the girls, or any 'maids' whose only object was to display their +new bonnet-strings. But he was powerless against a temporary +sincerity, the simulacrum of a true change of heart. I have often +heard him say,--of some young fellow who had attended our +services with fervour for a little while, and then had turned +cold and left us,--'and I thought that the Holy Ghost had wrought +in him!' Such disappointments grievously depress an evangelist. + +Religious bodies are liable to strange and unaccountable +fluctuations. At the beginning of the third year since our +arrival, the congregation seemed to be in a very prosperous +state, as regards attendance, conversions and other outward signs +of activity. Yet it was quite soon after this that my Father +began to be harassed by all sorts of troubles, and the spring of +1860 was a critical moment in the history of the community. +Although he loved to take a very high tone about the Saints, and +involved them sometimes in a cloud of laudatory metaphysics, the +truth was that they were nothing more than peasants of a somewhat +primitive type, not well instructed in the rules of conduct and +liable to exactly the same weaknesses as invade the rural +character in every country and latitude. That they were exhorted +to behave as 'children of light', and that the majority of them +sincerely desired to do credit to their high calling, could not +prevent their being beset by the sins which had affected their +forebears for generations past. + +The addition of so many young persons of each sex to the +communion led to an entirely new class of embarrassment. Now +there arose endless difficulties about 'engagements', about +youthful brethren who 'went out walking' with even more youthful +sisters. Glancing over my Father's notes, I observe the ceaseless +repetition of cases in which So-and-So is 'courting' Such-an-one, +followed by the melancholy record that he has 'deserted' her. In +my Father's stern language, 'desertion' would very often mean no +more than that the amatory pair had blamelessly changed their +minds; but in some cases it meant more and worse than this. It +was a very great distress to him that sometimes the young men and +women who showed the most lively interest in Scripture, and who +had apparently accepted the way of salvation with the fullest +intelligence, were precisely those who seemed to struggle with +least success against a temptation to unchastity. He put this +down to the concentrated malignity of Satan, who directed his +most poisoned darts against the fairest of the flock. + +In addition to these troubles, there came recriminations, mutual +charges of drunkenness in private, all sorts of petty jealousy +and scandal. There were frequent definite acts of 'back-sliding' +on the part of members, who had in consequence to be 'put away'. +No one of these cases might be in itself extremely serious, but +when many of them came together they seemed to indicate that the +church was in an unhealthy condition. The particulars of many of +these scandals were concealed from me, but I was an adroit little +pitcher, and had cultivated the art of seeming to be interested +in something else, a book or a flower, while my elders were +talking confidentially. As a rule, while I would fain have +acquired more details, I was fairly well-informed about the +errors of the Saints, although I was often quaintly ignorant of +the real nature of those errors. + +Not infrequently, persons who had fallen into sin repented of it +under my Father's penetrating ministrations. They were apt in +their penitence to use strange symbolic expressions. I remember +Mrs. Pewings, our washerwoman, who had been accused of +intemperance and had been suspended from communion, reappearing +with a face that shone with soap and sanctification, and saying +to me, 'Oh! blessed Child, you're wonderin' to zee old Pewings +here again, but He have rolled away my mountain!' For once, I was +absolutely at a loss, but she meant that the Lord had removed the +load of her sins, and restored her to a state of grace. + +It was in consequence of these backslidings, which had become +alarmingly frequent, that early in 1860 my Father determined on +proclaiming a solemn fast. He delivered one Sunday what seemed to +me an awe-inspiring address, calling upon us all closely to +examine our consciences, and reminding us of the appalling fate +of the church of Laodicea. He said that it was not enough to have +made a satisfactory confession of faith, nor even to have sealed +that confession in baptism, if we did not live up to our +protestations. Salvation, he told us, must indeed precede +holiness of life, yet both are essential. It was a dark and rainy +winter morning when he made this terrible address, which +frightened the congregation extremely. When the marrow was +congealed within our bones, and when the bowed heads before him, +and the faintly audible sobs of the women in the background, told +him that his lesson had gone home, he pronounced the keeping of a +day in the following week as a fast of contrition. 'Those of you +who have to pursue your daily occupations will pursue them, but +sustained only by the bread of affliction and by the water of +affliction.' + +His influence over these gentle peasant people was certainly +remarkable, for no effort was made to resist his exhortation. It +was his customary plan to stay a little while, after the morning +meeting was over, and in a very affable fashion to shake hands +with the Saints. But on this occasion he stalked forth without a +word, holding my hand tight until we had swept out into the +street. + +How the rest of the congregation kept this fast I do not know. +But it was a dreadful day for us. I was awakened in the pitchy +night to go off with my Father to the Room, where a scanty +gathering held a penitential prayer-meeting. We came home, as +dawn was breaking, and in process of time sat down to breakfast, +which consisted--at that dismal hour--of slices of dry bread and +a tumbler of cold water each. During the morning, I was not +allowed to paint, or write, or withdraw to my study in the box- +room. We sat, in a state of depression not to be described, in +the breakfast-room, reading books of a devotional character, with +occasional wailing of some very doleful hymn. Our midday dinner +came at last; the meal was strictly confined, as before, to dry +slices of the loaf and a tumbler of water. + +The afternoon would have been spent as the morning was, and so my +Father spent it. But Miss Marks, seeing my white cheeks and the +dark rings around my eyes, besought leave to take me out for a +walk. This was permitted, with a pledge that I should be given no +species of refreshment. Although I told Miss Marks, in the course +of the walk, that I was feeling 'so leer' (our Devonshire phrase +for hungry), she dared not break her word. Our last meal was of +the former character, and the day ended by our trapesing through +the wet to another prayer-meeting, whence I returned in a state +bordering on collapse and was put to bed without further +nourishment. There was no great hardship in all this, I daresay, +but it was certainly rigorous. My Father took pains to see that +what he had said about the bread and water of affliction was +carried out in the bosom of his own family, and by no one more +unflinchingly than by himself. + +My attitude to other people's souls when I was out of my Father's +sight was now a constant anxiety to me. In our tattling world of +small things he had extraordinary opportunities of learning how I +behaved when I was away from home; I did not realize this, and I +used to think his acquaintance with my deeds and words savoured +almost of wizardry. He was accustomed to urge upon me the +necessity of 'speaking for Jesus in season and out of season', +and he so worked upon my feelings that I would start forth like +St. Teresa, wild for the Moors and martyrdom. But any actual +impact with persons marvelously cooled my zeal, and I should +hardly ever have 'spoken' at all if it had not been for that +unfortunate phrase 'out of season'. It really seemed that one +must talk of nothing else, since if an occasion was not in season +it was out of season; there was no alternative, no close time for +souls. + +My Father was very generous. He used to magnify any little effort +that I made, with stammering tongue, to sanctify a visit; and +people, I now see, were accustomed to give me a friendly lead in +this direction, so that they might please him by reporting that I +had 'testified' in the Lord's service. The whole thing, however, +was artificial, and was part of my Father's restless inability to +let well alone. It was not in harshness or in ill--nature that he +worried me so much; on the contrary, it was all part of his too- +anxious love. He was in a hurry to see me become a shining light, +everything that he had himself desired to be, yet with none of +his shortcomings. + +It was about this time that he harrowed my whole soul into +painful agitation by a phrase that he let fall, without, I +believe, attaching any particular importance to it at the time. +He was occupied, as he so often was, in polishing and burnishing +my faith, and he was led to speak of the day when I should ascend +the pulpit to preach my first sermon. 'Oh! if I may be there, out +of sight, and hear the gospel message proclaimed from your lips, +then I shall say, "My poor work is done. Oh! Lord Jesus, receive +my spirit".' I cannot express the dismay which this aspiration +gave me, the horror with which I anticipated such a nunc +dimittis. I felt like a small and solitary bird, caught and hung +out hopelessly and endlessly in a great glittering cage. The +clearness of the personal image affected me as all the texts and +prayers and predictions had failed to do. I saw myself imprisoned +for ever in the religious system which had caught me and would +whirl my helpless spirit as in the concentric wheels of my +nightly vision. I did not struggle against it, because I believed +that it was inevitable, and that there was no other way of making +peace with the terrible and ever-watchful 'God who is a jealous +God'. But I looked forward to my fate without zeal and without +exhilaration, and the fear of the Lord altogether swallowed up +and cancelled any notion of the love of Him. + +I should do myself an injustice, however, if I described my +attitude to faith at this time as wanting in candour. I did very +earnestly desire to follow where my Father led. That passion for +imitation, which I have already discussed, was strongly developed +at this time, and it induced me to repeat the language of pious +books in godly ejaculations which greatly edified my grown-up +companions, and were, so far as I can judge, perfectly sincere. I +wished extremely to be good and holy, and I had no doubt in my +mind of the absolute infallibility of my Father as a guide in +heavenly things. But I am perfectly sure that there never was a +moment in which my heart truly responded, with native ardour, to +the words which flowed so readily, in such a stream of unction, +from my anointed lips. I cannot recall anything but an +intellectual surrender; there was never joy in the act of +resignation, never the mystic's rapture at feeling his phantom +self, his own threadbare soul, suffused, thrilled through, robed +again in glory by a fire which burns up everything personal and +individual about him. + +Through thick and thin I clung to a hard nut of individuality, +deep down in my childish nature. To the pressure from without I +resigned everything else, my thoughts, my words, my +anticipations, my assurances, but there was something which I +never resigned, my innate and persistent self. Meek as I seemed, +and gently respondent, I was always conscious of that innermost +quality which I had learned to recognize in my earlier days in +Islington, that existence of two in the depths who could speak to +one another in inviolable secrecy. + +This a natural man may discourse of, and that very knowingly, and +give a kind of natural credit to it, as to a history that may be +true; but firmly to believe that there is divine truth in all +these things, and to have a persuasion of it stronger than of the +very thing we see with our eyes; such an assent as this is the +peculiar work of the Spirit of God, and is certainly saving +faith. + +This passage is not to be found in the writings of any +extravagant Plymouth Brother, but in one of the most solid +classics of the Church, in Archbishop Leighton's Commentary on +the First Epistle of Peter. I quote it because it defines, more +exactly than words of my own could hope to do, the difference +which already existed, and in secrecy began forthwith to be more +and more acutely accentuated between my Father and myself. He did +indeed possess this saving faith, which could move mountains of +evidence, and suffer no diminution under the action of failure or +disappointment. I, on the other hand--as I began to feel dimly +then, and see luminously now--had only acquired the habit of +giving what the Archbishop means by 'a kind of natural credit' to +the doctrine so persistently impressed upon my conscience. From +its very nature this could not but be molten in the dews and +exhaled in the sunshine of life and thought and experience. + +My Father, by an indulgent act for the caprice of which I cannot +wholly account, presently let in a flood of imaginative light +which was certainly hostile to my heavenly calling. My +instinctive interest in geography has already been mentioned. +This was the one branch of knowledge in which I needed no +instruction, geographical information seeming to soak into the +cells of my brain without an effort. At the age of eleven, I knew +a great deal more of maps, and of the mutual relation of +localities all over the globe, than most grown-up people do. It +was almost a mechanical acquirement. I was now greatly taken with +the geography of the West Indies, of every part of which I had +made MS. maps. There was something powerfully attractive to my +fancy in the great chain of the Antilles, lying on the sea like +an open bracelet, with its big jewels and little jewels strung on +an invisible thread. I liked to shut my eyes and see it all, in a +mental panorama, stretched from Cape Sant' Antonio to the +Serpent's Mouth. Several of these lovely islands, these emeralds +and amethysts set on the Caribbean Sea, my Father had known well +in his youth, and I was importunate in questioning him about +them. One day, as I multiplied inquiries, he rose in his +impetuous way, and climbing to the top of a bookcase, brought +down a thick volume and presented it to me. 'You'll find all +about the Antilles there,' he said, and left me with Tom +Cringle's Log in my possession. + +The embargo laid upon every species of fiction by my Mother's +powerful scruple had never been raised, although she had been +dead four years. As I have said in an earlier chapter, this was a +point on which I believe that my Father had never entirely agreed +with her. He had, however, yielded to her prejudice; and no work +of romance, no fictitious story, had ever come in my way. It is +remarkable that among our books, which amounted to many hundreds, +I had never discovered a single work of fiction until my Father +himself revealed the existence of Michael Scott's wild +masterpiece. So little did I understand what was allowable in the +way of literary invention that I began the story without a doubt +that it was true, and I think it was my Father himself who, in +answer to an inquiry, explained to me that it was 'all made up'. +He advised me to read the descriptions of the sea, and of the +mountains of Jamaica, and 'skip' the pages which gave imaginary +adventures and conversations. But I did not take his counsel; +these latter were the flower of the book to me. I had never read, +never dreamed of anything like them, and they filled my whole +horizon with glory and with joy. + +I suppose that when my Father was a younger man, and less +pietistic, he had read Tom Cringle's Log with pleasure, because +it recalled familiar scenes to him. Much was explained by the +fact that the frontispiece of this edition was a delicate line- +engraving of Blewflelds, the great lonely house in a garden of +Jamaican all-spice where for eighteen months he had worked as a +naturalist. He could not look at this print without recalling +exquisite memories and airs that blew from a terrestrial +paradise. But Michael Scott's noisy amorous novel of adventure +was an extraordinary book to put in the hands of a child who had +never been allowed to glance at the mildest and most febrifugal +story-book. + +It was like giving a glass of brandy neat to someone who had +never been weaned from a milk diet. I have not read Tom Cringle's +Log from that day to this, and I think that I should be unwilling +now to break the charm of memory, which may be largely illusion. +But I remember a great deal of the plot and not a little of the +language, and, while I am sure it is enchantingly spirited, I am +quite as sure that the persons it describes were far from being +unspotted by the world. The scenes at night in the streets of +Spanish Town surpassed not merely my experience, but, thank +goodness, my imagination. The nautical personages used, in their +conversations, what is called 'a class of language', and there +ran, if I am not mistaken, a glow and gust of life through the +romance from beginning to end which was nothing if it was not +resolutely pagan. + +There were certain scenes and images in Tom Cringle's Log which +made not merely a lasting impression upon my mind, but tinged my +outlook upon life. The long adventures, fightings and escapes, +sudden storms without, and mutinies within, drawn forth as they +were, surely with great skill, upon the fiery blue of the +boundless tropical ocean, produced on my inner mind a sort of +glimmering hope, very vaguely felt at first, slowly developing, +long stationary and faint, but always tending towards a belief +that I should escape at last from the narrowness of the life we +led at home, from this bondage to the Law and the Prophets. + +I must not define too clearly, nor endeavour too formally to +insist on the blind movements of a childish mind. But of this I +am quite sure, that the reading and re-reading of Tom Cringle's +Log did more than anything else, in this critical eleventh year +of my life, to give fortitude to my individuality, which was in +great danger--as I now see--of succumbing to the pressure my +Father brought to bear upon it from all sides. My soul was shut +up, like Fatima, in a tower to which no external influences could +come, and it might really have been starved to death, or have +lost the power of recovery and rebound, if my captor, by some +freak not yet perfectly accounted for, had not gratuitously +opened a little window in it and added a powerful telescope. The +daring chapters of Michael Scott's picaresque romance of the +tropics were that telescope and that window. + +In the spring of this year, I began to walk about the village and +even proceed for considerable distances into the country by +myself, and after reading Tom Cringle's Log those expeditions +were accompanied by a constant hope of meeting with some +adventures. I did not court events, however, except in fancy, for +I was very shy of real people, and would break off some gallant +dream of prowess on the high seas to bolt into a field and hide +behind the hedge, while a couple of labouring men went by. +Sometimes, however, the wave of a great purpose would bear me on, +as when once, but certainly at an earlier date than I have now +reached, hearing the dangers of a persistent drought much dwelt +upon, I carried my small red watering pot, full of water, up to +the top of the village, and then all the way down Petittor Lane, +and discharged its contents in a cornfield, hoping by this act to +improve the prospects of the harvest. A more eventful excursion +must be described, because of the moral impression it left +indelibly upon me. + +I have described the sequestered and beautiful hamlet of Barton, +to which I was so often taken visiting by Mary Grace Burmington. +At Barton there lived a couple who were objects of peculiar +interest to me, because of the rather odd fact that having come, +out of pure curiosity, to see me baptized, they had been then and +there deeply convinced of their spiritual danger. These were John +Brooks, an Irish quarryman, and his wife, Ann Brooks. These +people had not merely been hitherto unconverted, but they had +openly treated the Brethren with anger and contempt. They came, +indeed, to my baptism to mock, but they went away impressed. + +Next morning, when Mrs. Brooks was at the wash tub, as she told +us, Hell opened at her feet, and the Devil came out holding a +long scroll on which the list of her sins was written. She was so +much excited, that the motion brought about a miscarriage and she +was seriously ill. Meanwhile, her husband, who had been equally +moved at the baptism, was also converted, and as soon as she was +well enough, they were baptized together, and then 'broke bread' +with us. The case of the Brookses was much talked about, and was +attributed, in a distant sense, to me; that is to say, if I had +not been an object of public curiosity, the Brookses might have +remained in the bond of iniquity. I, therefore, took a very +particular interest in them, and as I presently heard that they +were extremely poor, I was filled with a fervent longing to +minister to their necessities. + +Somebody had lately given me a present of money, and I begged +little sums here and there until I reached the very considerable +figure of seven shillings and sixpence. With these coins safe in +a little linen bag, I started one Sunday afternoon, without +saying anything to anyone, and I arrived at the Brookses' cottage +in Barton. John Brooks was a heavy dirty man, with a pock-marked +face and two left legs; his broad and red face carried small +side--whiskers in the manner of that day, but was otherwise +shaved. When I reached the cottage, husband and wife were at +home, doing nothing at all in the approved Sunday style. I was +received by them with some surprise, but I quickly explained my +mission, and produced my linen bag. To my disgust, all John +Brooks said was, 'I know'd the Lord would provide,' and after +emptying my little bag into the palm of an enormous hand, he +swept the contents into his trousers pocket, and slapped his leg. +He said not one single word of thanks or appreciation, and I was +absolutely cut to the heart. + +I think that in the course of a long life I have never +experienced a bitterer disappointment. The woman, who was +quicker, and more sensitive, doubtless saw my embarrassment, but +the form of comfort which she chose was even more wounding to my +pride. 'Never mind, little master,' she said, you shall come and +see me feed the pigs.' But there is a limit to endurance, and +with a sense of having been cruelly torn by the tooth of +ingratitude, I fled from the threshold of the Brookses, never to +return. + +At tea that afternoon, I was very much downcast, and under cross- +examination from Miss Marks, all my little story came out. My +Father, who had been floating away in a meditation, as he very +often did, caught a word that interested him and descended to +consciousness. I had to tell my tale over again, this time very +sadly, and with a fear that I should be reprimanded. But on the +contrary, both my Father and Miss Marks were attentive and most +sympathetic, and I was much comforted. 'We must remember they are +the Lord's children,' said my Father. 'Even the Lord can't make a +silk purse out of a sow's ear,' said Miss Marks, who was +considerably ruffled. 'Alas! alas!' replied my Father, waving his +hand with a deprecating gesture. 'The dear child!' said Miss +Marks, bristling with indignation, and patting my hand across the +tea-table. The Lord will reward your zealous loving care of his +poor, even if they have neither the grace nor the knowledge to +thank you,' said my Father, and rested his brown eyes meltingly +upon me. 'Brutes!' said Miss Marks, thinking of John and Ann +Brooks. 'Oh no! no!' replied my Father, 'but hewers of wood and +drawers of water! We must bear with the limited intelligence.' +All this was an emollient to my wounds, and I became consoled. +But the springs of benevolence were dried up within me, and to +this day I have never entirely recovered from the shock of John +Brooks's coarse leer and his 'I know'd the Lord would provide.' +The infant plant of philanthropy was burned in my bosom as if by +quick-lime. + +In the course of the summer, a young schoolmaster called on my +Father to announce to him that he had just opened a day-school +for the sons of gentlemen in our vicinity, and he begged for the +favour of a visit. My Father returned his call; he lived in one +of the small white villas, buried in laurels, which gave a +discreet animation to our neighbourhood. Mr. M. was frank and +modest, deferential to my Father's opinions and yet capable of +defending his own. His school and he produced an excellent +impression, and in August I began to be one of his pupils. The +school was very informal; it was held in the two principal +dwelling-rooms on the ground-floor of the villa, and I do not +remember that Mr. M. had any help from an usher. + +There were perhaps twenty boys in the school at most, and often +fewer. I made the excursion between home and school four times a +day; if I walked fast, the transit might take five minutes, and, +as there were several objects of interest in the way, it might be +spread over an hour. In fine weather the going to and from school +was very delightful, and small as the scope of it was, it could +be varied almost indefinitely. I would sometimes meet with a +schoolfellow proceeding in the same direction, and my Father, +observing us over the wall one morning, was amused to notice that +I always progressed by dancing along the curbstone sideways, my +face turned inwards and my arms beating against my legs, +conversing loudly all the time. This was a case of pure heredity, +for so he used to go to his school, forty years before, along the +streets of Poole. + +One day when fortunately I was alone, I was accosted by an old +gentleman, dressed as a dissenting minister. He was pleased with +my replies, and he presently made it a habit to be taking his +constitutional when I was likely to be on the high road. We +became great friends, and he took me at last to his house, a very +modest place, where to my great amazement, there hung in the +dining-room, two large portraits, one of a man, the other of a +woman, in extravagant fancy-dress. My old friend told me that the +former was a picture of himself as he had appeared, 'long ago, in +my unconverted days, on the stage'. + +I was so ignorant as not to have the slightest conception of what +was meant by the stage, and he explained to me that he' had been +an actor and a poet, before the Lord had opened his eyes to +better things. I knew nothing about actors, but poets were +already the objects of my veneration. My friend was the first +poet I had ever seen. He was no less a person than James Sheridan +Knowles, the famous author of Virginius and The Hunchback, who +had become a Baptist minister in his old age. When, at home, I +mentioned this acquaintance, it awakened no interest. I believe +that my Father had never heard, or never noticed, the name of one +who had been by far the most eminent English playwright of that +age. + +It was from Sheridan Knowles' lips that I first heard fall the +name of Shakespeare. He was surprised, I fancy, to find me so +curiously advanced in some branches of knowledge, and so utterly +ignorant of others. He could hardly credit that the names of +Hamlet and Falstaff and Prospero meant nothing to a little boy +who knew so much theology and geography as I did. Mr. Knowles +suggested that I should ask my schoolmaster to read some of the +plays of Shakespeare with the boys, and he proposed The Merchant +of Venice as particularly well--suited for this purpose. I +repeated what my aged friend (Mr Sheridan Knowles must have been +nearly eighty at that time) had said, and Mr. M. accepted the +idea with promptitude. (All my memories of this my earliest +schoolmaster present him to me as intelligent, amiable and quick, +although I think not very soundly prepared for his profession.) + +Accordingly, it was announced that the reading of Shakespeare +would be one of our lessons, and on the following afternoon we +began The Merchant of Venice. There was one large volume, and it +was handed about the class; I was permitted to read the part of +Bassanio, and I set forth, with ecstatic pipe, how + +In Belmont is a lady richly left, +And she is fair, and fairer than that word! + +Mr. M. must have had some fondness for the stage himself; his +pleasure in the Shakespeare scenes was obvious, and nothing else +that he taught me made so much impression on me as what he said +about a proper emphasis in reading aloud. I was in the seventh +heaven of delight, but alas! we had only reached the second act +of the play, when the readings mysteriously stopped. I never knew +the cause, but I suspect that it was at my Father's desire. He +prided himself on never having read a page of Shakespeare, and on +never having entered a theatre but once. I think I must have +spoken at home about the readings, and that he must have given +the schoolmaster a hint to return to the ordinary school +curriculum. + +The fact that I was 'a believer', as it was our custom to call +one who had been admitted to the arcana of our religion, and that +therefore, in all commerce with 'unbelievers', it was my duty to +be 'testifying for my Lord, in season and out of season'--this +prevented my forming any intimate friendships at my first school. +I shrank from the toilsome and embarrassing act of button-holing +a schoolfellow as he rushed out of class, and of pressing upon +him the probably unintelligible question 'Have you found Jesus?' +It was simpler to avoid him, to slip like a lizard though the +laurels and emerge into solitude. + +The boys had a way of plunging out into the road in front of the +school-villa when afternoon school was over; it was a pleasant +rural road lined with high hedges and shadowed by elm--trees. +Here, especially towards the summer twilight, they used to linger +and play vague games, swooping and whirling in the declining +sunshine, and I was glad to join these bat-like sports. But my +company, though not avoided, was not greatly sought for. I think +that something of my curious history was known, and that I was, +not unkindly but instinctively, avoided, as an animal of a +different species, not allied to the herd. The conventionality of +little boys is constant; the colour of their traditions is +uniform. At the same time, although I made no friends, I found no +enemies. In class, except in my extraordinary aptitude for +geography, which was looked upon as incomprehensible and almost +uncanny, I was rather behind than in front of the others. I, +therefore, awakened no jealousies, and, intent on my own dreams, +I think my little shadowy presence escaped the notice of most of +my schoolfellows. + +By the side of the road I have mentioned, between the school and +my home, there was a large horse-pond. The hedge folded around +three sides of it, while ancient pollard elms bent over it, and +chequered with their foliage in it the reflection of the sky. The +roadside edge of this pond was my favourite station; it consisted +of a hard clay which could be moulded into fairly tenacious +forms. Here I created a maritime empire--islands, a seaboard with +harbours, light-houses, fortifications. My geographical +imitativeness had its full swing. Sometimes, while I was +creating, a cart would be driven roughly into the pond, and a +horse would drink deep of my ocean, his hooves trampling my +archipelagoes and shattering my ports with what was worse than a +typhoon. But I immediately set to work, as soon as the cart was +gone and the mud had settled, to tidy up my coastline again and +to scoop out anew my harbours. + +My pleasure in this sport was endless, and what I was able to +see, in my mind's eye, was not the edge of a morass of mud, but a +splendid line of coast, and gulfs of the type of Tor Bay. I do +not recollect a sharper double humiliation than when old Sam +Lamble, the blacksmith, who was one of the 'saints', being asked +by my Father whether he had met me, replied 'Yes, I zeed 'un up- +long, making mud pies in the ro-ad!' What a position for one who +had been received into communion 'as an adult'! What a blot on +the scutcheon of a would-be Columbus! 'Mud-pies', indeed! + +Yet I had an appreciator. One afternoon, as I was busy on my +geographical operations, a good-looking middle-aged lady, with a +soft pink cheek and a sparkling hazel eye, paused and asked me if +my name was not what it was. I had seen her before; a stranger to +our parts, with a voice without a trace in it of the Devonshire +drawl. I knew, dimly, that she came sometimes to the meeting, +that she was lodging at Upton with some friends of ours who +accepted paying guests in an old house that was simply a basket +of roses. She was Miss Brightwen, and I now conversed with her +for the first time. + +Her interest in my harbours and islands was marked; she did not +smile; she asked questions about my peninsulas which were +intelligent and pertinent. I was even persuaded at last to leave +my creations and to walk with her towards the village. I was +pleased with her voice, her refinements, her dress, which was +more delicate, and her manners, which were more easy, than what I +was accustomed to, We had some very pleasant conversation, and +when we parted I had the satisfaction of feeling that our +intercourse had been both agreeable to me and instructive to her. +I told her that I should be glad to tell her more on a future +occasion; she thanked me very gravely, and then she laughed a +little. I confess I did not see that there was anything to laugh +at. We parted on warm terms of mutual esteem, but I little +thought that this sympathetic Quakerish lady was to become my +mother. + +CHAPTER X + +I SLEPT in a little bed in a corner of the room, and my Father in +the ancestral four-poster nearer to the door. Very early one +Father called me over to him. I climbed up, and was snugly +wrapped in the coverlid; and then we held a momentous +conversation. It began abruptly by his asking me whether I should +like to have a new mamma. I was never a sentimentalist, and I +therefore answered, cannily, that that would depend on who she +was. He parried this, and announced that, anyway, a new mamma was +coming; I was sure to like her. Still in a noncommittal mood, I +asked: 'Will she go with me to the back of the lime--kiln?' This +question caused my Father a great bewilderment. I had to explain +that the ambition of my life was to go up behind the lime-kiln on +the top of the hill that hung over Barton, a spot which was +forbidden ground, being locally held one of extreme danger. 'Oh! +I daresay she will,' my Father then said, 'but you must guess who +she is.' I guessed one or two of the less comely of the female +'saints', and, this embarrassing my Father,--since the second I +mentioned was a married woman who kept a sweet-shop in the +village,--he cut my inquiries short by saying, 'It is Miss +Brightwen.' + +So far so good, and I was well pleased. But unfortunately I +remembered that it was my duty to testify 'in season and out of +season'. I therefore asked, with much earnestness, 'But, Papa, is +she one of the Lord's children?' He replied, with gravity, that +she was. 'Has she taken up her cross in baptism?' I went on, for +this was my own strong point as a believer. My Father looked a +little shame--faced, and replied: 'Well, she has not as yet seen +the necessity of that, but we must pray that the Lord may make +her way clear before her. You see, she has been brought up, +hitherto, in the so-called Church of England.' Our positions were +now curiously changed. It seemed as if it were I who was the +jealous monitor, and my Father the deprecating penitent. I sat up +in the coverlid, and I shook a finger at him. 'Papa,' I said, +'don't tell me that she's a pedobaptist?' I had lately acquired +that valuable word, and I seized this remarkable opportunity of +using it. It affected my Father painfully, but he repeated his +assurance that if we united our prayers, and set the Scripture +plan plainly before Miss Brightwen, there could be no doubt that +she would see her way to accepting the doctrine of adult baptism. +And he said we must judge not, lest we ourselves bejudged. I had +just enough tact to let that pass, but I was quite aware that our +whole system was one of judging, and that we had no intention +whatever of being judged ourselves. Yet even at the age of eleven +one sees that on certain occasions to press home the truth is not +convenient. + +Just before Christmas, on a piercing night of frost, my Father +brought to us his bride. The smartening up of the house, the new +furniture, the removal of my own possessions to a private +bedroom, the wedding-gifts of the 'saints', all these things +paled in interest before the fact that Miss Marks had made a +scene', in the course of the afternoon. I was dancing about the +drawing-room, and was saying: 'Oh! I am so glad my new Mamma is +coming,' when Miss Marks called out, in an unnatural voice, 'Oh! +you cruel child.' I stopped in amazement and stared at her, +whereupon she threw prudence to the winds, and moaned: 'I once +thought I should be your dear mamma.' I was simply stupefied, and +I expressed my horror in terms that were clear and strong. +Thereupon Miss Marks had a wild fit of hysterics, while I looked +on, wholly unsympathetic and still deeply affronted. She was +right; I was cruel, alas! but then, what a silly woman she had +been! The consequence was that she withdrew in a moist and +quivering condition to her boudoir, where she had locked herself +in when I, all smiles and caresses, was welcoming the bride and +bridegroom on the doorstep as politely as if I had been a valued +old family retainer. + +My stepmother immediately became a great ally of mine. She was +never a tower of strength to me, but at least she was always a +lodge in my garden of cucumbers. She was a very well-meaning +pious lady, but she was not a fanatic, and her mind did not +naturally revel in spiritual aspirations. Almost her only social +fault was that she was sometimes a little fretful; this was the +way in which her bruised individuality asserted itself. But she +was affectionate, serene, and above all refined. Her refinement +was extraordinarily pleasant to my nerves, on which much else in +our surroundings jarred. + +How life may have jarred, poor insulated lady, on her during her +first experience of our life at the Room, I know not, but I think +she was a philosopher. She had, with surprising rashness, and in +opposition to the wishes of every member of her own family, taken +her cake, and now she recognized that she must eat it, to the +last crumb. Over her wishes and prejudices my Father exercised a +constant, cheerful and quiet pressure. He was never unkind or +abrupt, but he went on adding avoirdupois until her will gave way +under the sheer weight. Even to public immersion, which, as was +natural in a shy and sensitive lady of advancing years, she +regarded with a horror which was long insurmountable,--even to +baptism she yielded, and my Father had the joy to announce to the +Saints one Sunday morning at the breaking of bread that 'my +beloved wife has been able at length to see the Lord's Will in +the matter of baptism, and will testify to the faith which is in +her on Thursday evening next.' No wonder my stepmother was +sometimes fretful. + +On the physical side, I owe her an endless debt of gratitude. Her +relations, who objected strongly to her marriage, had told her, +among other pleasant prophecies, that 'the first thing you will +have to do will be to bury that poor child'. Under the old-world +sway of Miss Marks, I had slept beneath a load of blankets, had +never gone out save weighted with great coat and comforter, and +had been protected from fresh air as if from a pestilence. With +real courage my stepmother reversed all this. My bedroom window +stood wide open all night long, wraps were done away with, or +exchanged for flannel garments next the skin, and I was urged to +be out and about as much as possible. + +All the quidnuncs among the 'saints' shook their heads; Mary +Grace Burmington, a little embittered by the downfall of her +Marks, made a solemn remonstrance to my Father, who, however, +allowed my stepmother to carry out her excellent plan. My health +responded rapidly to this change of regime, but increase of +health did not bring increase of spirituality. My Father, fully +occupied with moulding the will and inflaming the piety of my +stepmother, left me now, to a degree not precedented, +inundisturbed possession of my own devices. I did not lose my +faith, but many other things took a prominent place in my mind. + +It will, I suppose, be admitted that there is no greater proof of +complete religious sincerity than fervour in private prayer. If +an individual, alone by the side of his bed, prolongs his +intercessions, lingers wrestling with his divine Companion, and +will not leave off until he has what he believes to be evidence +of a reply to his entreaties--then, no matter what the character +of his public protestations, or what the frailty of his actions, +it is absolutely certain that he believes in what he professes. + +My Father prayed in private in what I may almost call a spirit of +violence. He entreated for spiritual guidance with nothing less +than importunity. It might be said that he stormed the citadels +of God's grace, refusing to be baffled, urging his intercessions +without mercy upon a Deity who sometimes struck me as inattentive +to his prayers or wearied by them. My Father's acts of +supplication, as I used to witness them at night, when I was +supposed to be asleep, were accompanied by stretchings out of the +hands, by crackings of the joints of the fingers, by deep +breathings, by murmurous sounds which seemed just breaking out of +silence, like Virgil's bees out of the hive, 'magnis clamoribus'. +My Father fortified his religious life by prayer as an athlete +does his physical life by lung-gymnastics and vigorous rubbings. + +It was a trouble to my conscience that I could not emulate this +fervour. The poverty of my prayers had now long been a source of +distress to me, but I could not discover how to enrich them. My +Father used to warn us very solemnly against 'lip-service', by +which he meant singing hymns of experience and joining in +ministrations in which our hearts took no vital or personal part. +This was an outward act, the tendency of which I could well +appreciate, but there was a 'lip--service' even more deadly than +that, against which it never occurred to him to warn me. It +assailed me when I had come alone by my bedside, and had blown +out the candle, and had sunken on my knees in my night-gown. Then +it was that my deadness made itself felt, in the mechanical +address I put up, the emptiness of my language, the absence of +all real unction. + +I never could contrive to ask God for spiritual gifts in the same +voice and spirit in which I could ask a human being for objects +which I knew he could give me and which I earnestly desired to +possess. That sense of the reality of intercession was for ever +denied me, and it was, I now see, the stigma of my want of faith. +But at the time, of course, I suspected nothing of the kind, and +I tried to keep up my zeal by a desperate mental flogging, as if +my soul had been a peg-top. + +In nothing did I gain from the advent of my stepmother more than +in the encouragement she gave to my friendships with a group of +boys of my own age, of whom I had now lately formed the +acquaintance. These friendships she not merely tolerated, but +fostered; it was even due to her kind arrangements that they took +a certain set form, that our excursions started from this house +or from that on regular days. I hardly know by what stages I +ceased to be a lonely little creature of mock-monographs and mud- +pies, and became a member of a sort of club of eight or ten +active boys. The long summer holidays of 1861 were set in an +enchanting brightness. + +Looking back, I cannot see a cloud on the terrestrial horizon--I +see nothing but a blaze of sunshine; descents of slippery grass +to moons of snow-white shingle, cold to the bare flesh; red +promontories running out into a sea that was like sapphire; and +our happy clan climbing, bathing, boating, lounging, chattering, +all the hot day through. Once more I have to record the fact, +which I think is not without interest, that precisely as my life +ceases to be solitary, it ceases to be distinct. I have no +difficulty in recalling, with the minuteness of a photograph, +scenes in which my Father and I were the sole actors within the +four walls of a room, but of the glorious life among wild boys on +the margin of the sea I have nothing but vague and broken +impressions, delicious and illusive. + +It was a remarkable proof of my Father's temporary lapse into +indulgence that he made no effort to thwart my intimacy with +these my new companions. He was in an unusually humane mood +himself. His marriage was one proof of it; another was the +composition at this time of the most picturesque, easy and +graceful of all his writings, The Romance of Natural History, +even now a sort of classic. Everything combined to make him +believe that the blessing of the Lord was upon him, and to clothe +the darkness of the world with at least a mist of rose-colour. I +do not recollect that ever at this time he bethought him, when I +started in the morning for a long day with my friends on the edge +of the sea, to remind me that I must speak to them, in season and +out of season, of the Blood of Jesus. And I, young coward that I +was, let sleeping dogmas lie. + +My companions were not all of them the sons of saints in our +communion; their parents belonged to that professional class +which we were only now beginning to attract to our services. They +were brought up in religious, but not in fanatical, families, and +I was the only 'converted' one among them. Mrs. Paget, of whom I +shall have presently to speak,characteristically said that it +grieved her to see 'one lamb among so many kids'. But 'kid' is a +word of varied significance and the symbol did not seem to us +effectively applied. As a matter of fact, we made what I still +feel was an excellent tacit compromise. My young companions never +jeered at me for being 'in communion with the saints', and I, on +my part, never urged the Atonement upon them. I began, in fact, +more and more to keep my own religion for use on Sundays. + +It will, I hope, have been observed that among the very curious +grown-up people into whose company I was thrown, although many +were frail and some were foolish, none, so far as I can discern, +were hypocritical. I am not one of those who believe that +hypocrisy is a vice that grows on every bush. Of course, in +religious more than in any other matters, there is a perpetual +contradiction between our thoughts and our deeds which is +inevitable to our social order, and is bound to lead to cette +tromperie mutuelle of which Pascal speaks. But I have often +wondered, while admiring the splendid portrait of Tartuffe, +whether such a monster ever, or at least often, has walked the +stage of life; whether Moliere observed, or only invented him. + +To adopt a scheme of religious pretension, with no belief +whatever in its being true, merely for sensuous advantage, openly +acknowledging to one's inner self the brazen system of deceit,-- +such a course may, and doubtless has been, trodden, yet surely +much less frequently than cynics love to suggest. But at the +juncture which I have now reached in my narrative, I had the +advantage of knowing a person who was branded before the whole +world, and punished by the law of his country, as a felonious +hypocrite. My Father himself could only sigh and admit the +charge. And yet--I doubt. + +About half-way between our village and the town there lay a +comfortable villa inhabited by a retired solicitor, or perhaps +attorney, whom I shall name Mr. Dormant. We often called at his +half-way house, and, although he was a member of the town- +meeting, he not unfrequently came up to us for 'the breaking of +bread'. Mr. Dormant was a solid, pink man, of a cosy habit. He +had beautiful white hair, a very soft voice, and a welcoming, +wheedling manner; he was extremely fluent and zealous in using +the pious phraseology of the sect. My Father had never been very +much attracted to him, but the man professed, and I think felt, +an overwhelming admiration for my Father. Mr. Dormant was not +very well off, and in the previous year he had persuaded an aged +gentleman of wealth to come and board with him. When, in the +course of the winter, this gentleman died, much surprise was felt +at the report that he had left almost his entire fortune, which +was not inconsiderable, to Mr. Dormant. + +Much surprise--for the old gentleman had a son to whom he had +always been warmly attached, who was far away, I think in South +America, practising a perfectly respectable profession of which +his father entirely approved. My own Father always preserved a +delicacy and a sense of honour about money which could not have +been more sensitive if he had been an ungodly man, and I am very +much pleased to remember that when the legacy was first spoken +of, he regretted that Mr. Dormant should have allowed the old +gentleman to make this will. If he knew the intention, my Father +said, it would have shown a more proper sense of his +responsibility if he had dissuaded the testator from so +unbecoming a disposition. That was long before any legal question +arose; and now Mr. Dormant came into his fortune, and began to +make handsome gifts to missionary societies, and to his own +meeting in the town. If I do not mistake, he gave, unsolicited, a +sum to our building fund, which my Father afterwards returned. +But in process of time we heard that the son had come back from +the Antipodes, and was making investigations. Before we knew +where we were, the news burst upon us, like a bomb-shell, that +Mr. Dormant had been arrested on a criminal charge and was now in +jail at Exeter. + +Sympathy was at first much extended amongst us to the prisoner. +But it was lessened when we understood that the old gentleman had +been 'converted' while under Dormant's roof, and had given the +fact that his son was 'an unbeliever' as a reason for +disinheriting him. All doubt was set aside when it was divulged, +under pressure, by the nurse who attended on the old gentleman, +herself one of the 'saints', that Dormant had traced the +signature to the will by drawing the fingers of the testator over +the document when he was already and finally comatose. + +My Father, setting aside by a strong effort of will the +repugnance which he felt, visited the prisoner in gaol before +this final evidence had been extracted. When he returned he said +that Dormant appeared to be enjoying a perfect confidence of +heart, and had expressed a sense of his joy and peace in the +Lord; my Father regretted that he had not been able to persuade +him to admit any error, even of judgement. But the prisoner's +attitude in the dock, when the facts were proved, and not by him +denied, was still more extraordinary. He could be induced to +exhibit no species of remorse, and, to the obvious anger of the +judge himself, stated that he had only done his duty as a +Christian, in preventing this wealth from coming into the hands +of an ungodly man, who would have spent it in the service of the +flesh and of the devil. Sternly reprimanded by the judge, he made +the final statement that at that very moment he was conscious of +his Lord's presence, in the dock at his side, whispering to him +'Well done, thou good and faithful servant!' In this frame of +conscience, and with a glowing countenance, he was hurried away +to penal servitude. + +This was a very painful incident, and it is easy to see how +compromising, how cruel, it was in its effect upon our communion; +what occasion it gave to our enemies to blaspheme. No one, in +either meeting, could or would raise a voice to defend Mr. +Dormant. We had to bow our heads when we met our enemies in the +gate. The blow fell more heavily on the meeting of which he had +been a prominent and communicating member, but it fell on us too, +and my Father felt it severely. For many years he would never +mention the man's name, and he refused all discussion of the +incident. + +Yet I was never sure, and I am not sure now, that the wretched +being was a hypocrite. There are as many vulgar fanatics as there +are distinguished ones, and I am not convinced that Dormant, +coarse and narrow as he was, may not have sincerely believed that +it was better for the money to be used in religious propaganda +than in the pleasures of the world, of which he doubtless formed +a very vague idea. On this affair I meditated much, and it +awakened in my mind, for the first time, a doubt whether our +exclusive system of ethics was an entirely salutary one, if it +could lead the conscience of a believer to tolerate such acts as +these, acts which my Father himself had denounced as +dishonourable and disgraceful. + +My stepmother brought with her a little library of such books as +we had not previously seen, but which yet were known to all the +world except us. Prominent among these was a set of the poems of +Walter Scott, and in his unwonted geniality and provisional +spirit of compromise, my Father must do no less than read these +works aloud to my stepmother in the quiet spring evenings. This +was a sort of aftermath of courtship, a tribute of song to his +bride, very sentimental and pretty. She would sit, sedately, at +her workbox, while he, facing her, poured forth the verses at her +like a blackbird. I was not considered in this arrangement, which +was wholly matrimonial, but I was present, and the exercise made +more impression upon me than it did upon either of the principal +agents.My Father read the verse admirably, with a full,--some +people (but not I) might say with a too full--perception of the +metre as well as of the rhythm, rolling out the rhymes, and +glorying in the proper names. He began, and it was a happy +choice, with 'The Lady of the Lake'. It gave me singular pleasure +to hear his large voice do justice to 'Duncrannon' and 'Cambus- +Kenneth', and wake the echoes with 'Rhoderigh Vich Alphine dhu, +ho! ieroe!' I almost gasped with excitement, while a shudder +floated down my backbone, when we came to: + +A sharp and shrieking echo gave, +Coir-Uriskin, thy goblin cave! +And the grey pass where birches wave, +On Beala-nam-bo, + +a passage which seemed to me to achieve the ideal of sublime +romance. My thoughts were occupied all day long with the +adventures of Fitzjames and the denizens of Ellen's Isle. It +became an obsession, and when I was asked whether I remembered +the name of the cottage where the minister of the Bible +Christians lodged, I answered, dreamily, 'Yes,--Beala--nambo.' + +Seeing me so much fascinated, thrown indeed into a temporary +frenzy, by the epic poetry of Sir Walter Scott, my stepmother +asked my Father whether I might not start reading the Waverley +Novels. But he refused to permit this, on the ground that those +tales gave false and disturbing pictures of life, and would lead +away my attention from heavenly things. I do not fully apprehend +what distinction he drew between the poems, which he permitted, +and the novels, which he refused. But I suppose he regarded a +work in verse as more artificial, and therefore less likely to +make a realistic impression, than one in prose. There is +something quaint in the conscientious scruple which allows The +Lord of the Isles and excludes Rob Roy. + +But stranger still, and amounting almost to a whim, was his +sudden decision that, although I might not touch the novels of +Scott, I was free to read those of Dickens. I recollect that my +stepmother showed some surprise at this, and that my Father +explained to her that Dickens 'exposes the passion of love in a +ridiculous light.' She did not seem to follow this +recommendation, which indeed tends to the ultra-subtle, but she +procured for me a copy of Pickwick, by which I was instantly and +gloriously enslaved. My shouts of laughing at the richer passages +were almost scandalous, and led to my being reproved for +disturbing my Father while engaged, in an upper room, in the +study of God's Word. I must have expended months on the perusal +of Pickwick, for I used to rush through a chapter, and then read +it over again very slowly, word for word, and then shut my eyes +to realize the figures and the action. + +I suppose no child will ever again enjoy that rapture of +unresisting humorous appreciation of 'Pickwick'. I felt myself to +be in the company of a gentleman so extremely funny that I began +to laugh before he began to speak; no sooner did he remark 'the +sky was dark and gloomy, the air was damp and raw,' than I was in +fits of hilarity. My retirement in our sequestered corner of life +made me, perhaps, even in this matter, somewhat old-fashioned, +and possibly I was the latest of the generation who accepted Mr. +Pickwick with an unquestioning and hysterical abandonment. +Certainly few young people now seem sensitive, as I was, and as +thousands before me had been, to the quality of his fascination. + +It was curious that living in a household where a certain +delicate art of painting was diligently cultivated, I had yet +never seen a real picture, and was scarcely familiar with the +design of one in engraving. My stepmother, however, brought a +flavour of the fine arts with her; a kind of aesthetic odour, +like that of lavender, clung to her as she moved. She had known +authentic artists in her youth; she had watched Old Crome +painting, and had taken a course of drawing-lessons from no less +a person than Cotman. She painted small watercolour landscapes +herself, with a delicate economy of means and a graceful Norwich +convention; her sketch-books were filled with abbeys gently +washed in, river-banks in sepia by which the elect might be dimly +reminded of Liber Studiorum, and woodland scenes over which the +ghost of Creswick had faintly breathed. It was not exciting art, +but it was, so far as it went, in its lady-like reserve, the real +thing. Our sea--anemones, our tropic birds, our bits of spongy +rock filled and sprayed with corallines, had been very +conscientious and skilful, but, essentially, so far as art was +concerned, the wrong thing. + +Thus I began to acquire, without understanding the value of it, +some conception of the elegant phases of early English +watercolour painting, and there was one singular piece of a +marble well brimming with water, and a greyish-blue sky over it, +and dark-green poplars, shaped like wet brooms, menacing the +middle distance, which Cotman himself had painted; and this +seemed beautiful and curious to me in its dim, flat frame, when +it was hoisted to a place on our drawing-room wall. + +But still I had never seen a subject-picture, although my +stepmother used to talk of the joys of the Royal Academy, and it +was therefore with a considerable sense of excitement that I +went, with my Father, to examine Mr. Holman Hunt's Finding of +Christ in the Temple' which at this time was announced to be on +public show at our neighbouring town. We paid our shillings and +ascended with others to an upper room, bare of every disturbing +object, in which a strong top-light raked the large and +uncompromising picture. We looked at it for some time in silence, +and then my Father pointed out to me various details, such as the +phylacteries and the mitres, and the robes which distinguished +the high priest. + +Some of the other visitors, as I recollect, expressed +astonishment and dislike of what they called the 'Preraphaelite' +treatment, but we were not affected by that. Indeed, if anything, +the exact, minute and hard execution of Mr. Hunt was in sympathy +with the methods we ourselves were in the habit of using when we +painted butterflies and seaweeds, placing perfectly pure pigments +side by side, without any nonsense about chiaroscuro. This large, +bright, comprehensive picture made a very deep impression upon +me, not exactly as a work of art, but as a brilliant natural +specimen. I was pleased to have seen it, as I was pleased to have +seen the comet, and the whale which was brought to our front door +on a truck. It was a prominent addition to my experience. + +The slender expansions of my interest which were now budding +hither and thither do not seem to have alarmed my Father at all. +His views were short; if I appeared to be contented and obedient, +if I responded pleasantly when he appealed to me, he was not +concerned to discover the source of my cheerfulness. He put it +down to my happy sense of joy in Christ, a reflection of the +sunshine of grace beaming upon me through no intervening clouds +of sin or doubt. The 'saints' were, as a rule, very easy to +comprehend; their emotions lay upon the surface. If they were +gay, it was because they had no burden on their consciences, +while, if they were depressed, the symptom might be depended upon +as showing that their consciences were troubling them, and if +they were indifferent and cold, it was certain that they were +losing their faith and becoming hostile to godliness. It was +almost a mechanical matter with these simple souls. But, although +I was so much younger, I was more complex and more crafty than +the peasant 'saints'. My Father, not a very subtle psychologist, +applied to me the same formulas which served him well at the +chapel, but in my case the results were less uniformly +successful. + +The excitement of school-life and the enlargement of my circle of +interests, combined to make Sunday, by contrast, a very tedious +occasion. The absence of every species of recreation on the +Lord's Day grew to be a burden which might scarcely be borne. I +have said that my freedom during the week had now become +considerable; if I was at home punctually at meal times, the rest +of my leisure was not challenged. But this liberty, which in the +summer holidays came to surpass that of 'fishes that tipple in +the deep', was put into more and more painful contrast with the +unbroken servitude of Sunday. + +My Father objected very strongly to the expression Sabbath-day, +as it is commonly used by Presbyterians and others. He said, +quite justly, that it was an inaccurate modern innovation, that +Sabbath was Saturday, the Seventh day of the week, not the first, +a Jewish festival and not a Christian commemoration. Yet his +exaggerated view with regard to the observance of the First Day, +namely, that it must be exclusively occupied with public and +private exercises of divine worship, was based much more upon a +Jewish than upon a Christian law. In fact, I do not remember that +my Father ever produced a definite argument from the New +Testament in support of his excessive passivity on the Lord's +Day. He followed the early Puritan practice, except that he did +not extend his observance, as I believe the old Puritans did, +from sunset on Saturday to sunset on Sunday. + +The observance of the Lord's Day has already become universally +so lax that I think there may be some value in preserving an +accurate record of how our Sundays were spent five and forty +years ago. We came down to breakfast at the usual time. My Father +prayed briefly before we began the meal; after it, the bell was +rung, and, before the breakfast was cleared away, we had a +lengthy service of exposition and prayer with the servants. If +the weather was fine, we then walked about the garden, doing +nothing, for about half an hour. We then sat, each in a separate +room, with our Bibles open and some commentary on the text beside +us, and prepared our minds for the morning service. A little +before 11 a.m. we sallied forth, carrying our Bibles and hymn- +books, and went through the morning-service of two hours at the +Room; this was the central event of Sunday. + +We then came back to dinner,--curiously enough to a hot dinner, +always, with a joint, vegetables and puddings, so that the cook +at least must have been busily at work,--and after it my Father +and my stepmother took a nap, each in a different room, while I +slipped out into the garden for a little while, but never +venturing farther afield. In the middle of the afternoon, my +stepmother and I proceeded up the village to Sunday School, where +I was early promoted to the tuition of a few very little boys. We +returned in time for tea, immediately after which we all marched +forth, again armed as in the morning, with Bibles and hymn-books, +and we went though the evening-service, at which my Father +preached. The hour was now already past my weekday bedtime, but +we had another service to attend, the Believers' Prayer Meeting, +which commonly occupied forty minutes more. Then we used to creep +home, I often so tired that the weariness was like physical pain, +and I was permitted, without further 'worship', to slip upstairs +to bed. + +What made these Sundays, the observance of which was absolutely +uniform, so peculiarly trying was that I was not permitted the +indulgence of any secular respite. I might not open a scientific +book, nor make a drawing, nor examine a specimen. I was not +allowed to go into the road, except to proceed with my parents to +the Room, nor to discuss worldly subjects at meals, nor to enter +the little chamber where I kept my treasures. I was hotly and +tightly dressed in black, all day long, as though ready at any +moment to attend a funeral with decorum. Sometimes, towards +evening, I used to feel the monotony and weariness of my position +to be almost unendurable, but at this time I was meek, and I +bowed to what I supposed to be the order of the universe. + +CHAPTER XI + +As my mental horizon widened, my Father followed the direction of +my spiritual eyes with some bewilderment, and knew not at what I +gazed. Nor could I have put into words, nor can I even now +define, the visions which held my vague and timid attention. As a +child develops, those who regard it with tenderness or impatience +are seldom even approximately correct in their analysis of its +intellectual movements, largely because, if there is anything to +record, it defies adult definition. One curious freak of +mentality I must now mention, because it took a considerable part +in the enfranchisement of my mind, or rather in the formation of +my thinking habits. But neither my Father nor my stepmother knew +what to make of it, and to tell the truth I hardly know what to +make of it myself. + +Among the books which my new mother had brought with her were +certain editions of the poets, an odd assortment. Campbell was +there, and Burns, and Keats, and the 'Tales' of Byron. Each of +these might have been expected to appeal to me; but my emotion +was too young, and I did not listen to them yet. Their imperative +voices called me later. By the side of these romantic classics +stood a small, thick volume, bound in black morocco, and +comprising four reprinted works of the eighteenth century, +gloomy, funereal poems of an order as wholly out of date as are +the crossbones and ruffled cherubim on the gravestones in a +country churchyard. The four--and in this order, as I never shall +forget--were 'The Last Day' of Dr Young, Blair's 'Grave', 'Death' +by Bishop Beilby Porteus, and 'The Deity' of Samuel Boyse. These +lugubrious effusions, all in blank verse or in the heroic +couplet, represented, in its most redundant form, the artistic +theology of the middle of the eighteenth century. They were +steeped in such vengeful and hortatory sentiments as passed for +elegant piety in the reign of George II. + +How I came to open this solemn volume is explained by the +oppressive exclusiveness of our Sundays. On the afternoon of the +Lord's Day, as I have already explained, I might neither walk, +nor talk, nor explore our scientific library, nor indulge in +furious feats of water-colour painting. The Plymouth-Brother +theology which alone was open to me produced, at length, and +particularly on hot afternoons, a faint physical nausea, a kind +of secret headache. But, hitting one day upon the doleful book of +verses, and observing its religious character, I asked 'May I +read that?' and after a brief, astonished glance at the contents, +received '0h certainly--if you can!' + +The lawn sloped directly from a verandah at our drawing-room +window, and it contained two immense elm trees, which had +originally formed part of the hedge of a meadow. In our trim and +polished garden they then remained--they were soon afterwards cut +down--rude and obtuse, with something primeval about them, +something autochthonous; they were like two peasant ancestors +surviving in a family that had advanced to gentility. They rose +each out of a steep turfed hillock, and the root of one of them +was long my favourite summer reading-desk; for I could lie +stretched on the lawn, with my head and shoulders supported by +the elm-tree hillock, and the book in a fissure of the rough +turf. Thither then I escaped with my graveyard poets, and who +shall explain the rapture withwhich I followed their austere +morality? + +Whether I really read consecutively in my black-bound volume I +can no longer be sure, but it became a companion whose society I +valued, and at worst it was a thousand times more congenial to me +than Jukes' On the Pentateuch or than a perfectly excruciating +work ambiguously styled The Javelin of Phineas, which lay +smouldering in a dull red cover on the drawing-room table. I +dipped my bucket here and there into my poets, and I brought up +strange things. I brought up out of the depths of' The Last Day' +the following ejaculation of a soul roused by the trump of +resurrection: + +Father of mercies! Why from silent earth +Didst thou awake, and curse me into birth? +Tear me from quiet, ravish me from night, +And make a thankless present of thy light? +Push into being a reverse of thee, +And animate a clod with misery? + +I read these lines with a shiver of excitement, and in a sense I +suppose little intended by the sanctimonious rector of Welwyn. I +also read in the same piece the surprising description of how + +Now charnels rattle, scattered limbs, and all +The various bones, obsequious to the call, +Self-mov'd, advance--the neck perhaps to meet +The distant head, the distant legs the feet, + +but rejected it as not wholly supported by the testimony of +Scripture. I think that the rhetoric and vigorous advance of +Young's verse were pleasant to me. Beilby Porteus I discarded +from the first as impenetrable. In 'The Deity',--I knew nothing +then of the life of its extravagant and preposterous author,--I +took a kind of persistent, penitential pleasure, but it was +Blair's 'Grave' that really delighted me, and I frightened myself +with its melodious doleful images in earnest. + +About this time there was a great flow of tea--table hospitality +in the village, and my friends and their friends used to be asked +out, by respective parents and by more than one amiable spinster, +to faint little entertainments where those sang who were +ambitious to sing, and where all played post and forfeits after a +rich tea. My Father was constantly exercised in mind as to +whether I should or should not accept these glittering +invitations. There hovered before him a painful sense of danger +in resigning the soul to pleasures which savoured of 'the world'. +These, though apparently innocent in themselves, might give an +appetite for yet more subversive dissipations. I remember, on one +occasion,--when the Browns, a family of Baptists who kept a large +haberdashery shop in the neighbouring town, asked for the +pleasure of my company 'to tea and games', and carried +complacency so far as to offer to send that local vehicle, 'the +midge', to fetch me and bring me back,--my Father's conscience +was so painfully perplexed, that he desired me to come up with +him to the now-deserted 'boudoir' of the departed Marks, that we +might 'lay the matter before the Lord'. We did so, kneeling side +by side, with our backs to the window and our foreheads pressed +upon the horsehair cover of the small, coffin-like sofa. My +Father prayed aloud, with great fervour, that it might be +revealed to me, by the voice of God, whether it was or was not +the Lord's will that I should attend the Browns' party. My +Father's attitude seemed to me to be hardly fair, since he did +not scruple to remind the Deity of various objections to a life +of pleasure and of the snakes that lie hidden in the grass of +evening parties. It would have been more scrupulous, I thought, +to give no sort of hint of the kind of answer he desired and +expected. + +It will be justly said that my life was made up of very trifling +things, since I have to confess that this incident of the Browns' +invitation was one of its landmarks. As I knelt, feeling very +small, by the immense bulk of my Father, there gushed though my +veins like a wine the determination to rebel. Never before, in +all these years of my vocation, had I felt my resistance take +precisely this definite form. We rose presently from the sofa, my +forehead and the backs of my hands still chafed by the texture of +the horsehair, and we faced one another in the dreary light. My +Father, perfectly confident in the success of what had really +been a sort of incantation, asked me in a loud wheedling voice, +'Well, and what is the answer which our Lord vouchsafes?' I said +nothing, and so my Father, more sharply, continued, 'We have +asked Him to direct you to a true knowledge of His will. We have +desired Him to let you know whether it is, or is not, in +accordance with His wishes that you should accept this invitation +from the Browns.' He positively beamed down at me; he had no +doubt of the reply. He was already, I believe, planning some +little treat to make up to me for the material deprivation. But +my answer came, in the high-piping accents of despair: 'The Lord +says I may go to the Browns.' My Father gazed at me in speechless +horror. He was caught in his own trap, and though he was certain +that the Lord had said nothing of the kind, there was no road +open for him but just sheer retreat. Yet surely it was an error +in tactics to slam the door. + +It was at this party at the Browns--to which I duly went, +although in sore disgrace--that my charnel poets played me a mean +trick. It was proposed that 'our young friends' should give their +elders the treat of repeating any pretty pieces that they knew by +heart. Accordingly a little girl recited 'Casabianca', and +another little girl 'We are Seven', and various children were +induced to repeat hymns, 'some rather long', as Calverley says, +but all very mild and innocuously evangelical. I was then asked +by Mrs Brown's maiden sister, a gushing lady in corkscrew curls, +who led the revels, whether I also would not indulge them 'by +repeating some sweet stanzas'. No one more ready than I. Without +a moment's hesitation, I stood forth, and in a loud voice I began +one of my favourite passages from Blair's 'Grave': + +If death were nothing, and nought after death-- +If when men died at once they ceased to be,-- +Returning to the barren Womb of Nothing +Whence first they sprung, then might the debauchee... + +'Thank you, dear, that will do nicely!' interrupted the lady with +the curls. 'But that's only the beginning of it,' I cried. 'Yes. +dear, but that will quite do! We won't ask you to repeat any more +of it,' and I withdrew to the borders of the company in +bewilderment. Nor did the Browns or their visitors ever learn +what it was the debauchee might have said or done in more +favourable circumstances. + +The growing eagerness which I displayed for the society of +selected schoolfellows and for such gentle dissipations as were +within my reach exercised my Father greatly. His fancy rushed +forward with the pace of a steam-engine, and saw me the life and +soul of a gambling club, or flaunting it at the Mabille. He had +no confidence in the action of moderating powers, and he was fond +of repeating that the downward path is easy. If one fretted to be +bathing with one's companions on the shingle, and preferred this +exercise to the study of God's Word, it was a symbol of a +terrible decline, the angle of which would grow steeper and +steeper, until one plunged into perdition. He was, himself, timid +and reclusive, and he shrank from all avoidable companionship +with others, except on the footing of a master and teacher. My +stepmother and I, who neither taught nor ruled, yearned for a +looser chain and lighter relationships. With regard to myself, my +Father about this time hit on a plan from which he hoped much, +but from which little resulted. He looked to George to supply +what my temperament seemed to require of congenial juvenile +companionship. + +If I have not mentioned 'George' until now, it is not that he was +a new acquaintance. When we first came down into the country, our +sympathy had been called forth by an accident to a little boy, +who was knocked over by a horse, and whose thigh was broken. +Somebody (I suppose Mary Grace, since my Father could rarely +bring himself to pay these public visits) went to see the child +in the infirmary, and accidentally discovered that he was exactly +the same age that I was. This, and the fact that he was a +meditative and sober little boy, attracted us all still further +to George, who became converted under one of my Father's sermons. +He attended my public baptism, and was so much moved by this +ceremony that he passionately desired to be baptized also, and +was in fact so immersed, a few months later, slightly to my +chagrin, since I thereupon ceased to be the only infant prodigy +in communion. When we were both in our thirteenth year, George +became an outdoor servant to us, and did odd jobs under the +gardener. My Father, finding him, as he said, 'docile, obedient +and engaging', petted George a good deal, and taught him a little +botany. He called George, by a curious contortion of thought, my +'spiritual foster-brother', and anticipated for him, I think, a +career, like mine, in the Ministry. + +Our garden suffered from an incursion of slugs, which laid the +verbenas in the dust, and shore off the carnations as if with +pairs of scissors. To cope with this plague we invested in a +drake and a duck, who were christened Philemon and Baucis. Every +night large cabbage-leaves, containing the lees of beer, were +spread about the flower-beds as traps, and at dawn these had +become green parlours crammed with intoxicated slugs. One of +George's earliest morning duties was to free Philemon and Baucis +from their coop, and, armed with a small wand, to guide their +footsteps to the feast in one cabbage--leaf after another. My +Father used to watch this performance from an upper window, and, +in moments of high facetiousness, he was wont to parody the poet +Gray: + +How jocund doth George drive his team afield! + +This is all, or almost all, that I remember about George's +occupations, but he was singularly blameless. + +My Father's plan now was that I should form a close intimacy with +George, as a boy of my own age, of my own faith, of my own +future. My stepmother, still in bondage to the social +conventions, was passionately troubled at this, and urged the +barrier of class-differences. My Father replied that such an +intimacy would keep me 'lowly', and that from so good a boy as +George I could learn nothing undesirable. 'He will encourage him +not to wipe his boots when he comes into the house,' saidmy +stepmother, and my Father sighed to think how narrow is the +horizon of Woman's view of heavenly things. + +In this caprice, if I may call it so, I think that my Father had +before him the fine republican example of 'Sandford and Merton', +some parts of which book he admired extremely. Accordingly George +and I were sent out to take walks together, and as we started, my +Father, with an air of great benevolence, would suggest some +passage of Scripture, or 'some aspect of God's bountiful scheme +in creation, on which you may profitably meditate together.' +George and I never pursued the discussion of the text with which +my Father started us for more than a minute or two; then we fell +into silence, or investigated current scenes and rustic topics. + +As is natural among the children of the poor, George was +precocious where I was infantile, and undeveloped where I was +elaborate. Our minds could hardly find a point at which to touch. +He gave me, however, under cross-examination, interesting hints +about rural matters, and I liked him, although I felt his company +to be insipid. Sometimes he carried my books by my side to the +larger and more distant school which I now attended, but I was +always in a fever of dread lest my school--fellows should see +him, and should accuse me of having to be 'brought' to school. To +explain to them that the companionship of this wholesome and +rather blunt young peasant was part of my spiritual discipline +would have been all beyond my powers. + +It was soon after this that my stepmother made her one vain +effort to break though the stillness of our lives. My Father's +energy seemed to decline, to become more fitful, to take +unseasonable directions. My mother instinctively felt that his +peculiarities were growing upon him; he would scarcely stir from +his microscope, except to go to the chapel, and he was visible to +fewer and fewer visitors. She had taken a pleasure in his +literary eminence, and she was aware that this, too, would slip +from him; that, so persistently kept out of sight, he must soon +be out of mind. I know not how she gathered courage for her +tremendous effort, but she took me, I recollect, into her +counsels. We were to unite to oblige my Father to start to his +feet and face the world. Alas! we might as well have attempted to +rouse the summit of Yes Tor into volcanic action. To my mother's +arguments, my Father--with that baffling smile of his--replied: +'I esteem the reproach of Christ greater riches than the +treasures of Egypt!' and that this answer was indirect made it +none the less conclusive. My mother wished him to give lectures, +to go to London, to read papers before the Royal Society, to +enter into controversy with foreign savants, to conduct classes +of outdoor zoology at fashionable watering-places. I held my +breath with admiration as she poured forth her scheme, so daring, +so brilliant, so sure to cover our great man with glory. He +listened to her with an ambiguous smile, and shook his head at +us, and resumed the reading of his Bible. + +At the date of which I write these pages, the arts of +illustration are so universally diffused that it is difficult to +realize the darkness in which a remote English village was +plunged half a century ago. No opportunity was offered to us +dwellers in remote places of realizing the outward appearances of +unfamiliar persons, scenes or things. Although ours was perhaps +the most cultivated household in the parish, I had never seen so +much as a representation of a work of sculpture until I was +thirteen. My mother then received from her earlier home certain +volumes, among which was a gaudy gift-book of some kind, +containing a few steel engravings of statues. + +These attracted me violently, and here for the first time I gazed +on Apollo with his proud gesture, Venus in her undulations, the +kirtled shape of Diana, and Jupiter voluminously bearded. Very +little information, and that tome not intelligible, was given in +the text, but these were said to be figures of the old Greek +gods. I asked my Father to tell me about these 'old Greek gods'. +His answer was direct and disconcerting. He said--how I recollect +the place and time, early in the morning, as I stood beside the +window in our garish breakfast-room--he said that the so-called +gods of the Greeks were the shadows cast by the vices of the +heathen, and reflected their infamous lives; 'it was for such +things as these that God poured down brimstone and fire on the +Cities of the Plain, and there is nothing in the legends of these +gods, or rather devils, that it is not better for a Christian not +to know.' His face blazed white with Puritan fury as he said +this--I see him now in my mind's eye, in his violent emotion. You +might have thought that he had himself escaped with horror from +some Hellenic hippodrome. + +My Father's prestige was by this time considerably lessened in my +mind, and though I loved and admired him, I had now long ceased +to hold him infallible. I did not accept his condemnation of the +Greeks, although I bowed to it. In private I returned to examine +my steel engravings of the statues, and I reflected that they +were too beautiful to be so wicked as my Father thought they +were. The dangerous and pagan notion that beauty palliates evil +budded in my mind, without any external suggestion, and by this +reflection alone I was still further sundered from the faith in +which I had been trained. I gathered very diligently all I could +pick up about the Greek gods and their statues; it was not much, +it was indeed ludicrously little and false, but it was a germ. +And at this aesthetic juncture I was drawn into what was really +rather an extraordinary circle of incidents. + +Among the 'Saints' in our village there lived a shoemaker and his +wife, who had one daughter, Susan Flood. She was a flighty, +excited young creature, and lately, during the passage of some +itinerary revivalists, she had been 'converted' in the noisiest +way, with sobs, gasps and gurglings. When this crisis passed, she +came with her parents to our meetings, and was received quietly +enough to the breaking of bread. But about the time I speak of, +Susan Flood went up to London to pay a visit to an unconverted +uncle and aunt. It was first whispered amongst us, and then +openly stated, that these relatives had taken her to the Crystal +Palace, where, in passing through the Sculpture Gallery, Susan's +sense of decency had been so grievously affronted, that she had +smashed the naked figures with the handle of her parasol, before +her horrified companions could stop her. She had, in fact, run +amok among the statuary, and had, to the intense chagrin of her +uncle and aunt, very worthy persons, been arrested and brought +before a magistrate, who dismissed her with a warning to her +relations that she had better be sent home to Devonshire and +'looked after'. Susan Flood's return to us, however, was a +triumph; she had no sense of having acted injudiciously or +unbecomingly; she was ready to recount to every one, in vague and +veiled language, how she had been able to testify for the Lord +'in the very temple of Belial', for so she poetically described +the Crystal Palace. She was, of course, in a state of unbridled +hysteria, but such physical explanations were not encouraged +amongst us, and the case of Susan Flood awakened a great deal of +sympathy. + +There was held a meeting of the elders in our drawing-room to +discuss it, and I contrived to be present, though out of +observation. My Father, while he recognized the purity of Susan +Flood's zeal, questioned its wisdom. He noted that the statuary +was not her property, but that of the Crystal Palace. Of the +other communicants, none, I think, had the very slightest notion +what the objects were that Susan had smashed, or tried to smash, +and frankly maintained that they thought her conduct magnificent. +As for me, I had gathered by persistent inquiry enough +information to know that what her sacrilegious parasol had +attacked were bodies of my mysterious friends, the Greek gods, +and if all the rest of the village applauded iconoclastic Susan, +I at least would be ardent on the other side. + +But I was conscious that there was nobody in the world to whom I +could go for sympathy. If I had ever read 'Hellas' I should have +murmured + +Apollo, Pan and Love, +And even Olympian Jove, +Grew weak, when killing Susan glared on them. + +On the day in question, I was unable to endure the drawing-room +meeting to its close, but, clutching my volume of the Funereal +Poets, I made a dash for the garden. In the midst of a mass of +laurels, a clearing had been hollowed out, where ferns were grown +and a garden-seat was placed. There was no regular path to this +asylum; one dived under the snake--like boughs of the laurel and +came up again in absolute seclusion. + +Into this haunt I now fled to meditate about the savage godliness +of that vandal, Susan Flood. So extremely ignorant was I that I +supposed her to have destroyed the originals of the statues, +marble and unique. I knew nothing about plaster casts, and I +thought the damage (it is possible that there had really been no +damage whatever) was of an irreparable character. I sank into the +seat, with the great wall of laurels whispering around me, and I +burst into tears. There was something, surely, quaint and +pathetic in the figure of a little Plymouth Brother sitting in +that advanced year of grace, weeping bitterly for indignities +done to Hermes and to Aphrodite. Then I opened my book for +consolation, and I read a great block of pompous verse out of +'The Deity', in the midst of which exercise, yielding to the +softness of the hot and aromatic air, I fell fast asleep. + +Among those who applauded the zeal of Susan Flood's parasol, the +Pagets were prominent. These were a retired Baptist minister and +his wife, from Exmouth, who had lately settled amongst us, and +joined in the breaking of bread. Mr. Paget was a fat old man, +whose round pale face was clean-shaven, and who carried a full +crop of loose white hair above it; his large lips were always +moving, whether he spoke or not. He resembled, as I now perceive, +the portraits of S. T. Coleridge in age, but with all the +intellect left out of them. He lived in a sort of trance of +solemn religious despondency. He had thrown up his cure of souls, +because he became convinced that be had committed the Sin against +the Holy Ghost. His wife was younger than he, very small, very +tight, very active, with black eyes like pin-pricks at the base +of an extremely high and narrow forehead, bordered with glossy +ringlets. He was very cross to her, and it was murmured that +'dear Mrs. Paget had often had to pass through the waters of +affliction'. They were very poor, but rigidly genteel, and she +was careful, so far as she could, to conceal from the world the +caprices of her poor lunatic husband. + +In our circle, it was never for a moment admitted that Mr. Paget +was a lunatic. It was said that he had gravely sinned, and was +under the Lord's displeasure; prayers were abundantly offered up +that he might be led back into the pathway of light, and that the +Smiling Face might be drawn forth for him from behind the +Frowning Providence. When the man had an epileptic seizure in the +High Street, he was not taken to a hospital, but we repeated to +one another, with shaken heads, that Satan, that crooked Serpent, +had been unloosed for a season. Mr. Paget was fond of talking, in +private and in public, of his dreadful spiritual condition and he +would drop his voice while he spoke of having committed the +Unpardonable Sin, with a sort of shuddering exultation, such as +people sometimes feel in the possession of a very unusual +disease. + +It might be thought that the position held in any community by +persons so afflicted and eccentric as the Pagets would be very +precarious. But it was not so with us; on the contrary, they took +a prominent place at once. Mr. Paget, in spite of his spiritual +bankruptcy, was only too anxious to help my Father in his +ministrations, and used to beg to be allowed to pray and exhort. +In the latter case he took the tone of a wounded veteran, who, +though fallen on the bloody field himself, could still encourage +younger warriors to march forward to victory. Everybody longed to +know what the exact nature had been of that sin against the Holy +Ghost which had deprived Mr. Paget of every glimmer of hope for +time or for eternity. It was whispered that even my Father +himself was not precisely acquainted with the character of it. + +This mysterious disability clothed Mr Paget for us with a kind of +romance. We watched him as the women watched Dante in Verona, +whispering: + + Behold him how Hell's reek +Has crisped his hair and singed his cheek! + +His person lacked, it is true, something of the dignity of +Dante's, for it was his caprice to walk up and down the High +Street at noonday with one of those cascades of coloured paper +which were known as 'ornaments for your fireplace' slung over the +back and another over the front of his body. These he +manufactured for sale, and he adopted the quaint practice of +wearing the exuberant objects as a means for their advertisement. + +Mrs. Paget had been accustomed to rule in the little ministry +from which Mr. Paget's celebrated Sin had banished them, and she +was inclined to clutch at the sceptre now. She was the only +person I ever met with who was not afraid of the displeasure of +my Father. She would fix her viper-coloured eyes on his, and say +with a kind of gimlet firmness, 'I hardly think that is the true +interpretation, Brother G.', or, 'But let us turn to Colossians, +and see what the Holy Ghost says there upon this matter.' She +fascinated my Father, who was not accustomed to this kind of +interruption, and as she was not to be softened by any flattery +(such as:--'Marvellous indeed, Sister, is your acquaintance with +the means of grace!') she became almost a terror to him. + +She abused her powers by taking great liberties, which culminated +in her drawing his attention to the fact that my poor stepmother +displayed 'an overweening love of dress'. The accusation was +perfectly false; my stepmother was, if rather richly, always, +plainly dressed, in the sober Quaker mode; almost her only +ornament was a large carnelian brooch, set in flowered flat gold. +To this the envenomed Paget drew my Father's attention as 'likely +to lead "the little ones of the flock" into temptation'. My poor +Father felt it his duty, thus directly admonished, to speak to my +mother. 'Do you not think, my Love, that you should, as one who +sets an example to others, discard the wearing of that gaudy +brooch?" One must fasten one s collar with something, I suppose?' +'Well, but how does Sister Paget fasten her collar?' 'Sister +Paget,' replied my Mother, stung at last into rejoinder, 'fastens +her collar with a pin,--and that is a thing which I would rather +die than do!' + +Nor did I escape the attentions of this zealous reformer. Mrs. +Paget was good enough to take a great interest in me, and she was +not satisfied with the way in which I was being brought up. Her +presence seemed to pervade the village, and I could neither come +in nor go out without seeing her hard bonnet and her pursed-up +lips. She would hasten to report to my Father that she saw me +laughing and talking 'with a lot of unconverted boys', these +being the companions with whom I had full permission to bathe and +boat. She urged my Father to complete my holy vocation by some +definite step, by which he would dedicate me completely to the +Lord's service. Further schooling she thought needless, and +merely likely to foster intellectual pride. Mr. Paget, she +remarked, had troubled very little in his youth about worldly +knowledge, and yet how blessed he had been in the conversion of +souls until he had incurred the displeasure of the Holy Ghost! + +I do not know exactly what she wanted my Father to do with me; +perhaps she did not know herself; she was meddlesome, ignorant +and fanatical, and she liked to fancy that she was exercising +influence. But the wonderful, the inexplicable thing is that my +Father,--who, with all his limitations, was so distinguished and +high-minded,--should listen to her for a moment, and still more +wonderful is it that he really allowed her, grim vixen that she +was, to disturb his plans and retard his purposes. I think the +explanation lay in the perfectly logical position she took up. My +Father found himself brought face to face at last, not with a +disciple, but with a trained expert in his own peculiar scheme of +religion. At every point she was armed with arguments the source +of which he knew and the validity of which he recognized. He +trembled before Mrs. Paget as a man in a dream may tremble before +a parody of his own central self, and he could not blame her +without laying himself open somewhere to censure. + +But my stepmother's instincts were more primitive and her actions +less wire-drawn than my Father's. She disliked Mrs. Paget as much +as one earnest believer can bring herself to dislike a sister in +the Lord. My stepmother had quietly devoted herself to what she +thought the best way of bringing me up, and she did not propose +now to be thwarted by the wife of a lunatic Baptist. At this time +I was a mixture of childishness and priggishness, of curious +knowledge and dense ignorance. Certain portions of my intellect +were growing with unwholesome activity, while others were +stunted, or had never stirred at all. I was like a plant on which +a pot has been placed, with the effect that the centre is crushed +and arrested, while shoots are straggling up to the light on all +sides. My Father himself was aware of this, and in a spasmodic +way he wished to regulate my thoughts. But all he did was to try +to straighten the shoots, without removing the pot which kept +them resolutely down. + +It was my stepmother who decided that I was now old enough to go +to boarding-school, and my Father, having discovered that an +elderly couple of Plymouth Brethren kept an 'academy for young +gentlemen' in a neighbouring seaport town,--in the prospectus of +which the knowledge and love of the Lord were mentioned as +occupying the attention of the head--master and his assistants +far more closely than any mere considerations of worldly +tuition,--was persuaded to entrust me to its care. He stipulated, +however, that I should always come home from Saturday night to +Monday morning, not, as he said, that I might receive any carnal +indulgence, but that there might be no cessation of my communion +as a believer with the Saints in our village on Sundays. To this +school, therefore, I presently departed, gawky and homesick, and +the rift between my soul and that of my Father widened a little +more. + +CHAPTER XII + +LITTLE boys from quiet, pious households, commonly found, in +those days, a chasm yawning at the feet of their inexperience +when they arrived at Boarding-school. But the fact that I still +slept at home on Saturday and Sunday nights preserved me, I +fancy, from many surprises. There was a crisis, but it was broad +and slow for me. On the other hand, for my Father I am inclined +to think that it was definite and sharp. Permission for me to +desert the parental hearth, even for five days in certain weeks, +was tantamount, in his mind, to admitting that the great scheme, +so long caressed, so passionately fostered, must in its primitive +bigness be now dropped. + +The Great Scheme (I cannot resist giving it the mortuary of +capital letters) had been, as my readers know, that I should be +exclusively and consecutively dedicated through the whole of my +life, 'to the manifest and uninterrupted and uncompromised +service of the Lord'. That had been the aspiration of my Mother, +and at her death she had bequeathed that desire to my Father, +like a dream of the Promised Land. In their ecstasy, my parents +had taken me, as Elkanah and Hannah had long ago taken Samuel, +from their mountain-home of Ramathaim-Zophim down to sacrifice to +the Lord of Hosts in Shiloh. They had girt me about with a linen +ephod, and had hoped to leave me there; 'as long as he liveth,' +they had said, 'he shall be lent unto the Lord.' + +Doubtless in the course of these fourteen years it had +occasionally flashed upon my Father, as he overheard some speech +of mine, or detected some idiosyncrasy, that I was not one of +those whose temperament points them out as ultimately fitted for +an austere life of religion. What he hoped, however, was that +when the little roughnesses of childhood were rubbed away, there +would pass a deep mellowness over my soul. He had a touching way +of condoning my faults of conduct, directly after reproving them, +and he would softly deprecate my frailty, saying, in a tone of +harrowing tenderness, 'Are you not the child of many prayers?' He +continued to think that prayer, such passionate importunate +prayer as his, must prevail. Faith could move mountains; should +it not be able to mould the little ductile heart of a child, +since he was sure that his own faith was unfaltering? He had +yearned and waited for a son who should be totally without human +audacities, who should be humble, pure, not troubled by worldly +agitations, a son whose life should be cleansed and straightened +from above, in custodiendo sermones Dei; in whom everything +should be sacrificed except the one thing needful to salvation. + +How such a marvel of lowly piety was to earn a living had never, +I think, occurred to him. My Father was singularly indifferent +about money. Perhaps his notion was that, totally devoid of +ambitions as I was to be, I should quietly become adult, and +continue his ministrations among the poor of the Christian flock. +He had some dim dream, I think, of there being just enough for us +all without my having to take up any business or trade. I believe +it was immediately after my first term at boarding-school, that I +was a silent but indignant witness of a conversation between my +Father and Mr. Thomas Brightwen, my stepmother's brother, who was +a banker in one of the Eastern Counties. + +This question, 'What is he to be?' in a worldly sense, was being +discussed, and Tam sure that it was for the first time, at all +events in my presence. Mr. Brightwen, I fancy, had been worked +upon by my stepmother, whose affection for me was always on the +increase, to suggest, or faintly to stir the air in the +neighbourhood of suggesting, a query about my future. He was +childless and so was she, and I think a kind impulse led them to +'feel the way', as it is called. I believe he said that the +banking business, wisely and honourably conducted, sometimes led, +as we know that it is apt to lead, to affluence. To my horror, my +Father, with rising emphasis, replied that 'if there were offered +to his beloved child what is called "an opening" that would lead +to an income of £10,000 a year, and that would divert his +thoughts and interest from the Lord's work he would reject it on +his child's behalf.' Mr. Brightwen, a precise and polished +gentleman who evidently never made an exaggerated statement in +his life, was, I think, faintly scandalized; he soon left us, and +I do not recollect his paying us a second visit. + +For my silent part, I felt very much like Gehazi, and I would +fain have followed after the banker if I had dared to do so, into +the night. I would have excused to him the ardour of my Elisha, +and I would have reminded him of the sons of the prophets--'Give +me, I pray thee,' I would have said, 'a talent of silver and two +changes of garments.' It seemed to me very hard that my Father +should dispose of my possibilities of wealth in so summary a +fashion, but the fact that I did resent it, and regretted what I +supposed to be my 'chance', shows how far apart we had already +swung. My Father, I am convinced, thought that he gave words to +my inward instincts when he repudiated the very mild and +inconclusive benevolence of his brother-in-law. But he certainly +did not do so. I was conscious of a sharp and instinctive +disappointment at having had, as I fancied, wealth so near my +grasp, and at seeing it all cast violently into the sea of my +Father's scruples. + +Not one of my village friends attended the boarding-school to +which I was now attached, and I arrived there without an +acquaintance. I should soon, however, have found a corner of my +own if my Father had not unluckily stipulated that I was not to +sleep in the dormitory with the boys of my own age, but in the +room occupied by the two elder sons of a prominent Plymouth +Brother whom he knew. From asocial point of view this was an +unfortunate arrangement, since these youths were some years older +and many years riper than I; the eldest, in fact, was soon to +leave; they had enjoyed their independence, and they now greatly +resented being saddled with the presence of an unknown urchin. +The supposition had been that they would protect and foster my +religious practices; would encourage me, indeed, as my Father put +it, to approach the Throne of Grace with them at morning and +evening prayer. They made no pretence, however, to be considered +godly; they looked upon me as an intruder; and after a while the +younger, and ruder, of them openly let me know that they believed +I had been put into their room to 'spy upon' them; it had been a +plot, they knew, between their father and mine: and he darkly +warned me that I should suffer if 'anything got out'. I had, +however, no wish to trouble them, nor any faint interest in their +affairs. I soon discovered that they were absorbed in a silly +kind of amorous correspondence with the girls of a neighbouring +academy, but 'what were all such toys to me?' + +These young fellows, who ought long before to have left the +school, did nothing overtly unkind to me, but they condemned me +to silence. They ceased to address me except with an occasional +command. By reason of my youth, I was in bed and asleep before my +companions arrived upstairs, and in the morning I was always +routed up and packed about my business while they still were +drowsing. But the fact that I had been cut off from my coevals by +night, cut me off from them also by day--so that I was nothing to +them, neither a boarder nor a day-scholar, neither flesh, fish +nor fowl. The loneliness of my life was extreme, and that I +always went home on Saturday afternoon and returned on Monday +morning still further checked my companionships at school. For a +long time, round the outskirts of that busy throng of opening +lives, I 'wandered lonely as a cloud', and sometimes I was more +unhappy than I had ever been before. No one, however, bullied me, +and though I was dimly and indefinably witness to acts of +uncleanness and cruelty, I was the victim of no such acts and the +recipient of no dangerous confidences. I suppose that my queer +reputation for sanctity, half dreadful, half ridiculous, +surrounded me with a non-conducting atmosphere. + +We are the victims of hallowed proverbs, and one of the most +classic of these tells us that 'the child is father of the man'. +But in my case I cannot think that this was true. In mature years +I have always been gregarious, a lover of my kind, dependent upon +the company of friends for the very pulse of moral life. To be +marooned, to be shut up in a solitary cell, to inhabit a +lighthouse, or to camp alone in a forest, these have always +seemed to me afflictions too heavy to be borne, even in +imagination. A state in which conversation exists not, is for me +an air too empty of oxygen for my lungs to breathe it. + +Yet when I look back upon my days at boarding-school, I see +myself unattracted by any of the human beings around me. My +grown-up years are made luminous to me in memory by the ardent +faces of my friends, but I can scarce recall so much as the names +of more than two or three of my schoolfellows. There is not one +of them whose mind or whose character made any lasting impression +upon me. In later life, I have been impatient of solitude, and +afraid of it; at school, I asked for no more than to slip out of +the hurly-burly and be alone with my reflections and my fancies. +That magnetism of humanity which has been the agony of mature +years, of this I had not a trace when I was a boy. Of those +fragile loves to which most men look back with tenderness and +passion, emotions to be explained only as Montaigne explained +them, parceque c'etait lui, parceque c'etait moi, I knew nothing. +I, to whom friendship has since been like sunlight and like +sleep, left school unbrightened and unrefreshed by commerce with +a single friend. + +If I had been clever, I should doubtless have attracted the +jealousy of my fellows, but I was spared this by the mediocrity +of my success in the classes. One little fact I may mention, +because it exemplifies the advance in observation which has been +made in forty years. I was extremely nearsighted, and in +consequence was placed at a gross disadvantage, by being unable +to see the slate or the black-board on which our tasks were +explained. It seems almost incredible, when one reflects upon it, +but during the whole of my school life, this fact was never +commented upon or taken into account by a single person, until +the Polish lady who taught us the elements of German and French +drew someone's attention to it in my sixteenth year. I was not +quick, but I passed for being denser than I was because of the +myopic haze that enveloped me. But this is not an autobiography, +and with the cold and shrouded details of my uninteresting school +life I will not fatigue the reader. + +I was not content, however, to be the cipher that I found myself, +and when I had been at school for about a year, I 'broke out', +greatly, I think, to my own surprise, in a popular act. We had a +young usher whom we disliked. I suppose, poor half-starved +phthisic lad, that he was the most miserable of us all. He was, I +think, unfitted for the task which had been forced upon him; he +was fretful, unsympathetic, agitated. The school-house, an old +rambling place, possessed a long cellar--like room that opened +from our general corridor and was lighted by deep windows, +carefully barred, which looked into an inner garden. This vault +was devoted to us and to our play-boxes: by a tacit law, no +master entered it. One evening, just at dusk, a great number of +us were here when the bell for night-school rang, and many of us +dawdled at the summons. Mr B., tactless in his anger, bustled in +among us, scolding in a shrill voice, and proceeded to drive us +forth. I was the latest to emerge, and as he turned away to see +if any other truant might not be hiding, I determined upon +action. With a quick movement, I drew the door behind me and +bolted it, just in time to hear the imprisoned usher scream with +vexation. We boys all trooped upstairs and it is characteristic +of my isolation that I had not one 'chum' to whom I could confide +my feat. + +That Mr. B. had been shut in became, however, almost instantly +known, and the night-class, usually so unruly, was awed by the +event into exemplary decorum. There, with no master near us, in a +silence rarely broken by a giggle or a catcall, we sat diligently +working, or pretending to work. Through my brain, as I hung over +my book a thousand new thoughts began to surge. I was the +liberator, the tyrannicide; I had freed all my fellows from the +odious oppressor. Surely, when they learned that it was I, they +would cluster round me; surely, now, I should be somebody in the +school-life, no longer a mere trotting shadow or invisible +presence. The interval seemed long; at length Mr B. was released +by a servant, and he came up into the school-room to find us in +that ominous condition of suspense. + +At first he said nothing. He sank upon a chair in a half-fainting +attitude, while he pressed his hand to his side; his distress and +silence redoubled the boys' surprise, and filled me with +something like remorse. For the first time, I reflected that he +was human, that perhaps he suffered. He rose presently and took a +slate, upon which he wrote two questions: 'Did you do it?' 'Do +you know who did?' and these he propounded to each boy in +rotation. The prompt, redoubled 'No' in every case seemed to pile +up his despair. + +One of the last to whom he held, in silence, the trembling slate +was the perpetrator. As I saw the moment approach, an unspeakable +timidity swept over me. I reflected that no one had seen me, that +no one could accuse me. Nothing could be easier or safer than to +deny, nothing more perplexing to the enemy, nothing less perilous +for the culprit. A flood of plausible reasons invaded my brain; I +seemed to see this to be a case in which to tell the truth would +be not merely foolish, it would be wrong. Yet when the usher +stood before me, holding the slate out in his white and shaking +hand, I seized the pencil, and, ignoring the first question, I +wrote 'Yes' firmly against the second. I suppose that the +ambiguity of this action puzzled Mr B. He pressed me to answer: +'Did you do it?' but to that I was obstinately dumb; and away I +was hurried to an empty bed-room, where for the whole of that +night and the next day I was held a prisoner, visited at +intervals by the headmaster and other inquisitorial persons, +until I was gradually persuaded to make a full confession and +apology. + +This absurd little incident had one effect, it revealed me to my +schoolfellows as an existence. From that time forth I lay no +longer under the stigma of invisibility; I had produced my +material shape and had thrown my shadow for a moment into a +legend. But, in other respects, things went on much as before. + +Curiously uninfluenced by my surroundings, I in my turn failed to +exercise influence, and my practical isolation was no less than +it had been before. It was thus that it came about that my social +memories of my boarding-school life are monotonous and vague. It +was a period during which, as it appears to me now on looking +back, the stream of my spiritual nature spread out into a shallow +pool which was almost stagnant. I was labouring to gain those +elements of conventional knowledge, which had, in many cases, up +to that time been singularly lacking. But my brain was starved, +and my intellectual perceptions were veiled. Elder persons who in +later years would speak to me frankly of my school-days assured +me that, while I had often struck them as a smart and quaint and +even interesting child, all promise seemed to fade out of me as a +schoolboy, and that those who were most inclined to be indulgent +gave up the hope that I should prove a man in a way remarkable. +This was particularly the case with the most indulgent of my +protectors, my refined and gentle stepmother. + +As this record can, however, have no value that is not based on +its rigorous adhesion to the truth, I am bound to say that the +dreariness and sterility of my school-life were more apparent +than real. I was pursuing certain lines of moral and mental +development all the time, and since my schoolmasters and my +school fellows combined in thinking me so dull, I will display a +tardy touch of 'proper spirit' and ask whether it may not partly +have been because they were themselves so commonplace. I think +that if some drops of sympathy, that magic dew of Paradise, had +fallen upon my desert, it might have blossomed like the rose, or, +at all events, like that chimerical flower, the Rose of Jericho. +As it was, the conventionality around me, the intellectual +drought, gave me no opportunity of outward growth. They did not +destroy, but they cooped up, and rendered slow and inefficient, +that internal life which continued, as I have said, to live on +unseen. This took the form of dreams and speculations, in the +course of which I went through many tortuous processes of the +mind, the actual aims of which were futile, although the +movements themselves were useful. If I may more minutely define +my meaning, I would say that in my schooldays, without possessing +thoughts, I yet prepared my mind for thinking, and learned how to +think. + +The great subject of my curiosity at this time was words, as +instruments of expression. I was incessant in adding to my +vocabulary, and in finding accurate and individual terms for +things. Here, too, the exercise preceded the employment, since I +was busy providing myself with words before I had any ideas to +express with them. When I read Shakespeare and came upon the +passage in which Prospero tells Caliban that he had no thoughts +until his master taught him words, I remember starting with +amazement at the poet's intuition, for such a Caliban had I been: + + I pitied thee, +Took pains to make thee speak, taught thee each hour +One thing or other, when thou didst not, savage, +Know thine own meaning, but wouldst gabble, like +A thing most brutish; I endow'd thy purposes +With words that made them know. + +For my Prosperos I sought vaguely in such books as I had access +to, and I was conscious that as the inevitable word seized hold +of me, with it out of the darkness into strong light came the +image and the idea. + +My Father possessed a copy of Bailey's Etymological Dictionary, a +book published early in the eighteenth century. Over this I would +pore for hours, playing with the words in a fashion which I can +no longer reconstruct, and delighting in the savour of the rich, +old-fashioned country phrases. My Father finding me thus +employed, fell to wondering at the nature of my pursuit, and I +could offer him, indeed, no very intelligible explanation of it. +He urged me to give up such idleness, and to make practical use +of language. For this purpose he conceived an exercise which he +obliged me to adopt, although it was hateful to me. He sent me +forth, it might be, up the lane to Warbury Hill and round home by +the copses; or else down one chine to the sea and along the +shingle to the next cutting in the cliff, and so back by way of +the village; and he desired me to put down, in language as full +as I could, all that I had seen in each excursion. As I have +said, this practice was detestable and irksome to me, but, as I +look back, I am inclined to believe it to have been the most +salutary, the most practical piece of training which my Father +ever gave me. It forced me to observe sharply and clearly, to +form visual impressions, to retain them in the brain, and to +clothe them in punctilious and accurate language. + +It was in my fifteenth year that I became again, this time +intelligently, acquainted with Shakespeare. I got hold of a +single play, The Tempest, in a school edition, prepared, I +suppose, for one of the university examinations which were then +being instituted in the provinces. This I read through and +through, not disdaining the help of the notes, and revelling in +the glossary. I studied The Tempest as I had hitherto studied no +classic work, and it filled my whole being with music and +romance. This book was my own hoarded possession; the rest of +Shakespeare's works were beyond my hopes. But gradually I +contrived to borrow a volume here and a volume there. I completed +The Merchant of Venice, read Cymbeline, Julius Caesar and Much +Ado; most of the others, I think, remained closed to me for a +long time. But these were enough to steep my horizon with all the +colours of sunrise. It was due, no doubt, to my bringing up, that +the plays never appealed to me as bounded by the exigencies of a +stage or played by actors. The images they raised in my mind were +of real people moving in the open air, and uttering, in the +natural play of life, sentiments that were clothed in the most +lovely, and yet, as it seemed to me, the most obvious and the +most inevitable language. + +It was while I was thus under the full spell of the Shakespearean +necromancy that a significant event occurred. My Father took me +up to London for the first time since my infancy. Our visit was +one of a few days only, and its purpose was that we might take +part in some enormous Evangelical conference. We stayed in a dark +hotel off the Strand, where I found the noise by day and night +very afflicting. When we were not at the conference, I spent long +hours, among crumbs and bluebottle flies, in the coffee-room of +this hotel, my Father being busy at the British Museum and the +Royal Society. The conference was held in an immense hall, +somewhere in the north of London. I remember my short-sighted +sense of the terrible vastness of the crowd, with rings on rings +of dim white faces fading in the fog. My Father, as a privileged +visitor, was obliged with seats on the platform, and we were in +the heart of the first really large assemblage of persons that I +had ever seen. + +The interminable ritual of prayers, hymns and addresses left no +impression on my memory, but my attention was suddenly stung into +life by a remark. An elderly man, fat and greasy, with a voice +like a bassoon, and an imperturbable assurance, was denouncing +the spread of infidelity, and the lukewarmness of professing +Christians, who refrained from battling with the wickedness at +their doors. They were like the Laodiceans, whom the angel of the +Apocalypse spewed out of his mouth. For instance, who, the orator +asked, is now rising to check the outburst of idolatry in our +midst? 'At this very moment,' he went on, 'there is proceeding, +unreproved, a blasphemous celebration of the birth of +Shakespeare, a lost soul now suffering for his sins in hell!' My +sensation was that of one who has suddenly been struck on the +head; stars and sparks beat around me. If some person I loved had +been grossly insulted in my presence, I could not have felt more +powerless in anguish. No one in that vast audience raised a word +of protest, and my spirits fell to their nadir. This, be it +remarked, was the earliest intimation that had reached me of the +tercentenary of the Birth at Stratford, and I had not the least +idea what could have provoked the outburst of outraged godliness. + +But Shakespeare was certainly in the air. When we returned to the +hotel that noon, my Father of his own accord reverted to the +subject. I held my breath, prepared to endure fresh torment. What +he said, however, surprised and relieved me. 'Brother So and So,' +he remarked, 'was not, in my judgement, justified in saying what +he did. The uncovenanted mercies of God are not revealed to us. +Before so rashly speaking of Shakespeare as "a lost soul in +hell", he should have remembered how little we know of the poet's +history. The light of salvation was widely disseminated in the +land during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, and we cannot know that +Shakespeare did not accept the atonement of Christ in simple +faith before he came to die.' The concession will today seem +meagre to gay and worldly spirits, but words cannot express how +comfortable it was to me. I gazed at my Father with loving eyes +across the cheese and celery, and if the waiter had not been +present I believe I might have hugged him in my arms. + +This anecdote may serve to illustrate the attitude of my +conscience, at this time, with regard to theology. I was not +consciously in any revolt against the strict faith in which I had +been brought up, but I could not fail to be aware of the fact +that literature tempted me to stray up innumerable paths which +meandered in directions at right angles to that direct strait way +which leadeth to salvation. I fancied, if I may pursue the image, +that I was still safe up these pleasant lanes if I did not stray +far enough to lose sight of the main road. If, for instance, it +had been quite certain that Shakespeare had been irrecoverably +damnable and damned, it would scarcely have been possible for me +to have justified myself in going on reading Cymbeline. One who +broke bread with the Saints every Sunday morning, who 'took a +class' at Sunday school, who made, as my Father loved to remind +me, a public weekly confession of his willingness to bear the +Cross of Christ, such an one could hardly, however bewildering +and torturing the thought, continue to admire a lost soul. But +that happy possibility of an ultimate repentance, how it eased +me! I could always console myself with the belief that when +Shakespeare wrote any passage of intoxicating beauty, it was just +then that he was beginning to breathe the rapture that faith in +Christ brings to the anointed soul. And it was with a like +casuistry that I condoned my other intellectual and personal +pleasures. + +My Father continued to be under the impression that my boarding- +school, which he never again visited after originally leaving me +there, was conducted upon the same principles as his own +household. I was frequently tempted to enlighten him, but I never +found the courage to do so. As a matter of fact the piety of the +establishment, which collected to it the sons of a large number +of evangelically minded parents throughout that part of the +country, resided mainly in the prospectus. It proceeded no +further than the practice of reading the Bible aloud, each boy in +successive order one verse, in the early morning before +breakfast. There was no selection and no exposition; where the +last boy sat, there the day's reading ended, even if it were in +the middle of a sentence, and there it began next morning. + +Such reading of 'the chapter' was followed by a long dry prayer. +I do not know that this morning service would appear more +perfunctory than usual to other boys, but it astounded and +disgusted me, accustomed as I was to the ministrations at home, +where my Father read 'the word of God' in a loud passionate +voice, with dramatic emphasis, pausing for commentary and +paraphrase, and treating every phrase as if it were part of a +personal message or of thrilling family history. At school, +'morning prayer' was a dreary, unintelligible exercise, and with +this piece of mumbo-jumbo, religion for the day began and ended. +The discretion of little boys is extraordinary. I am quite +certain no one of us ever revealed this fact to our godly parents +at home. + +If any one was to do this, it was of course I who should first of +all have 'testified'. But I had grown cautious about making +confidences. One never knew how awkwardly they might develop or +to what disturbing excesses of zeal they might precipitously +lead. I was on my guard against my Father, who was, all the time, +only too openly yearning that I should approach him for help, for +comfort, for ghostly counsel. Still 'delicate', though steadily +gaining in solidity of constitution, I was liable to severe +chills and to fugitive neuralgic pangs. My Father was, almost +maddeningly, desirous that these afflictions should be sanctified +to me, and it was in my bed, often when I was much bowed in +spirit by indisposition, that he used to triumph over me most +pitilessly. He retained the singular superstition, amazing in a +man of scientific knowledge and long human experience, that all +pains and ailments were directly sent by the Lord in chastisement +for some definite fault, and not in relation to any physical +cause. The result was sometimes quite startling, and in +particular I recollect that my stepmother and I exchanged +impressions of astonishment at my Father's action when Mrs. +Goodyer, who was one of the 'Saints' and the wife of a young +journeyman cobbler, broke her leg. My Father, puzzled for an +instant as to the meaning of this accident, since Mrs. Goodyer +was the gentlest and most inoffensive of our church members, +decided that it must be because she had made an idol of her +husband, and he reduced the poor thing to tears by standing at +her bed-side and imploring the Holy Spirit to bring this sin home +to her conscience. + +When, therefore, I was ill at home with one of my trifling +disorders, the problem of my spiritual state always pressed +violently upon my Father, and this caused me no little mental +uneasiness. He would appear at my bedside, with solemn +solicitude, and sinking on his knees would earnestly pray aloud +that the purpose of the Lord in sending me this affliction might +graciously be made plain to me; and then, rising, and standing by +my pillow, he would put me through a searching spiritual inquiry +as to the fault which was thus divinely indicated to me as +observed and reprobated on high. + +It was not on points of moral behaviour that he thus cross- +examined me; I think he disdained such ignoble game as that. But +uncertainties of doctrine, relinquishment of faith in the purity +of this dogma or of that, lukewarm zeal in 'taking up the cross +of Christ', growth of intellectual pride,--such were the +insidious offences in consequence of which, as he supposed, the +cold in the head or the toothache had been sent as heavenly +messengers to recall my straggling conscience to its plain path +of duty. + +What made me very uncomfortable on these occasions was my +consciousness that confinement to bed was hardly an affliction at +all. It kept me from the boredom of school, in a fire-lit bedroom +at home, with my pretty, smiling stepmother lavishing luxurious +attendance upon me, and it gave me long, unbroken days for +reading. I was awkwardly aware that I simply had not the +effrontery to 'approach the Throne of Grace' with a request to +know for what sin I was condemned to such a very pleasant +disposition of my hours. + +The current of my life ran, during my schooldays, most merrily +and fully in the holidays, when I resumed my outdoor exercises +with those friends in the village of whom I have spoken earlier. +I think they were more refined and better bred than any of my +schoolfellows, at all events it was among these homely companions +alone that I continued to form congenial and sympathetic +relations. In one of these boys,--one of whom I have heard or +seen nothing now for nearly a generation,--I found tastes +singularly parallel to my own, and we scoured the horizon in +search of books in prose and verse, but particularly in verse. + +As I grew stronger in muscle, I was capable of adding +considerably to my income by an exercise of my legs. I was +allowed money for the railway ticket between the town where the +school lay and the station nearest to my home. But, if I chose to +walk six or seven miles along the coast, thus more than halving +the distance by rail from school house to home, I might spend as +pocket money the railway fare I thus saved. Such considerable +sums I fostered in order to buy with them editions of the poets. +These were not in those days, as they are now, at the beck and +call of every purse, and the attainment of each little +masterpiece was a separate triumph. In particular I shall never +forget the excitement of reaching at length the exorbitant price +the bookseller asked for the only, although imperfect, edition of +the poems of S. T. Coleridge. At last I could meet his demand, +and my friend and I went down to consummate the solemn purchase. +Coming away with our treasure, we read aloud from the orange +coloured volume, in turns, as we strolled along, until at last we +sat down on the bulging root of an elm tree in a secluded lane. +Here we stayed, in a sort of poetical nirvana, reading, reading, +forgetting the passage of time, until the hour of our neglected +mid-day meal was a long while past, and we had to hurry home to +bread and cheese and a scolding. + +There was occasionally some trouble about my reading, but now not +much nor often. I was rather adroit, and careful not to bring +prominently into sight anything of a literary kind which could +become a stone of stumbling. But, when I was nearly sixteen, I +made a purchase which brought me into sad trouble, and was the +cause of a permanent wound to my self-respect. I had long coveted +in the bookshop window a volume in which the poetical works of +Ben Jonson and Christopher Marlowe were said to be combined. This +I bought at length, and I carried it with me to devour as I trod +the desolate road that brought me along the edge of the cliff on +Saturday afternoons. Of Ben Jonson I could make nothing, but when +I turned to 'Hero and Leander', I was lifted to a heaven of +passion and music. It was a marvellous revelation of romantic +beauty to me, and as I paced along that lonely and exquisite +highway, with its immense command of the sea, and its peeps every +now and then, through slanting thickets, far down to the snow- +white shingle, I lifted up my voice, singing the verses, as I +strolled along: + +Buskins of shells, all silver'd, used she, And +branch'd with blushing coral to the knee, +Where sparrows perched, of hollow pearl and gold, +Such as the world would wonder to behold,-- + +so it went on, and I thought I had never read anything so +lovely,-- + +Amorous Leander, beautiful and young, +Whose tragedy divine Musaeus sung,-- + +it all seemed to my fancy intoxicating beyond anything I had ever +even dreamed of, since I had not yet become acquainted with any +of the modern romanticists. + +When I reached home, tired out with enthusiasm and exercise, I +must needs, so soon as I had eaten, search out my stepmother that +she might be a partner in my joys. It is remarkable to me now, +and a disconcerting proof of my still almost infantile innocence, +that, having induced her to settle to her knitting, I began, +without hesitation, to read Marlowe's voluptuous poem aloud to +that blameless Christian gentlewoman. We got on very well in the +opening, but at the episode of Cupid's pining, my stepmother's +needles began nervously to clash, and when we launched on the +description of Leander's person, she interrupted me by saying, +rather sharply, 'Give me that book, please, I should like to read +the rest to myself.' I resigned the reading in amazement, and was +stupefied to see her take the volume, shut it with a snap and +hide it under her needlework. Nor could I extract from her +another word on the subject. + +The matter passed from my mind, and I was therefore extremely +alarmed when, soon after my going to bed that night, my Father +came into my room with a pale face and burning eyes, the prey of +violent perturbation. He set down the candle and stood by the +bed, and it was some time before he could resolve on a form of +speech. Then he denounced me, in unmeasured terms, for bringing +into the house, for possessing at all or reading, so abominable a +book. He explained that my stepmother had shown it to him, and +that he had looked through it, and had burned it. + +The sentence in his tirade which principally affected me was +this. He said, 'You will soon be leaving us, and going up to +lodgings in London, and if your landlady should come into your +room, and find such a book lying about, she would immediately set +you down as a profligate.' I did not understand this at all, and +it seems to me now that the fact that I had so very simply and +childishly volunteered to read the verses to my stepmother should +have proved to my Father that I connected it with no ideas of an +immoral nature. + +I was greatly wounded and offended, but my indignation was +smothered up in the alarm and excitement which followed the news +that I was to go up to live in lodgings, and, as it was evident, +alone, in London. Of this no hint or whisper had previously +reached me. On reflection, I can but admit that my Father, who +was little accustomed to seventeenth-century literature, must +have come across some startling exposures in Ben Jonson, and +probably never reached 'Hero and Leander' at all. The artistic +effect of such poetry on an innocently pagan mind did not come +within the circle of his experience. He judged the outspoken +Elizabethan poets, no doubt, very much in the spirit of the +problematical landlady. + +Of the world outside, of the dim wild whirlpool of London, I was +much afraid, but I was now ready to be willing to leave the +narrow Devonshire circle, to see the last of the red mud, of the +dreary village street, of the plethoric elders, to hear the last +of the drawling voices of the 'Saints'. Yet I had a great +difficulty in persuading myself that I could ever be happy away +from home, and again I compared my lot with that of one of the +speckled soldier-crabs that roamed about in my Father's aquarium, +dragging after them great whorl-shells. They, if by chance they +were turned out of their whelk-habitations, trailed about a pale +soft body in search of another house, visibly broken-hearted and +the victims of every ignominious accident. + +My spirits were divided pathetically between the wish to stay on, +a guarded child, and to proceed into the world, a budding man, +and, in my utter ignorance, I sought in vain to conjure up what +my immediate future would be. My Father threw no light upon the +subject, for he had not formed any definite idea of what I could +possibly do to earn an honest living. As a matter of fact I was +to stay another year at school and home. + +This last year of my boyish life passed rapidly and pleasantly. +My sluggish brain waked up at last and I was able to study with +application. In the public examinations I did pretty well, and +may even have been thought something of a credit to the school. +Yet I formed no close associations, and I even contrived to +avoid, as I had afterwards occasion to regret, such lessons as +were distasteful to me, and therefore particularly valuable. But +I read with unchecked voracity, and in several curious +directions. Shakespeare now passed into my possession entire, in +the shape of a reprint more hideous and more offensive to the +eyesight than would in these days appear conceivable. I made +acquaintance with Keats, who entirely captivated me; with +Shelley, whose 'Queen Mab' at first repelled me from the +threshold of his edifice; and with Wordsworth, for the exercise +of whose magic I was still far too young. My Father presented me +with the entire bulk of Southey's stony verse, which I found it +impossible to penetrate, but my stepmother lent me The Golden +Treasury, in which almost everything seemed exquisite. + +Upon this extension of my intellectual powers, however, there did +not follow any spirit of doubt or hostility to the faith. On the +contrary, at first there came a considerable quickening of +fervour. My prayers became less frigid and mechanical; I no +longer avoided as far as possible the contemplation of religious +ideas; I began to search the Scriptures for myself with interest +and sympathy, if scarcely with ardour. I began to perceive, +without animosity, the strange narrowness of my Father's system, +which seemed to take into consideration only a selected circle of +persons, a group of disciples peculiarly illuminated, and to have +no message whatever for the wider Christian community. + +On this subject I had some instructive conversations with my +Father, whom I found not reluctant to have his convictions pushed +to their logical extremity. He did not wish to judge, he +protested; but he could not admit that a single Unitarian (or +'Socinian', as he preferred to say) could possibly be redeemed; +and he had no hope of eternal salvation for the inhabitants of +Catholic countries. I recollect his speaking of Austria. He +questioned whether a single Austrian subject, except, as he said, +here and there a pious and extremely ignorant individual, who had +not comprehended the errors of the Papacy, but had humbly studied +his Bible, could hope to find eternal life. He thought that the +ordinary Chinaman or savage native of Fiji had a better chance of +salvation than any cardinal in the Vatican. And even in the +priesthood of the Church of England he believed that while many +were called, few indeed would be found to have been chosen. + +I could not sympathize, even in my then state of ignorance, with +so rigid a conception of the Divine mercy. Little inclined as I +was to be sceptical, I still thought it impossible, that a secret +of such stupendous importance should have been entrusted to a +little group of Plymouth Brethren, and have been hidden from +millions of disinterested and pious theologians. That the leaders +of European Christianity were sincere, my Father did not attempt +to question. But they were all of them wrong, incorrect; and no +matter how holy their lives, how self--sacrificing their actions, +they would have to suffer for their inexactitude through aeons of +undefined torment. He would speak with a solemn complacency of +the aged nun, who, after a long life of renunciation and +devotion, died at last, 'only to discover her mistake'. + +He who was so tender-hearted that he could not bear to witness +the pain or distress of any person, however disagreeable or +undeserving, was quite acquiescent in believing that God would +punish human beings, in millions, for ever, for a purely +intellectual error of comprehension. My Father's inconsistencies +of perception seem to me to have been the result of a curious +irregularity of equipment. Taking for granted, as he did, the +absolute integrity of the Scriptures, and applying to them his +trained scientific spirit, he contrived to stifle, with a +deplorable success, alike the function of the imagination, the +sense of moral justice, and his own deep and instinctive +tenderness of heart. + +There presently came over me a strong desire to know what +doctrine indeed it was that the other Churches taught. I +expressed a wish to be made aware of the practices of Rome, or at +least of Canterbury, and I longed to attend the Anglican and the +Roman services. But to do so was impossible. My Father did not, +indeed, forbid me to enter the fine parish church of our village, +or the stately Puginesque cathedral which Rome had just erected +at its side, but I knew that I could not be seen at either +service without his immediately knowing it, or without his being +deeply wounded. Although I was sixteen years of age, and although +I was treated with indulgence and affection, I was still but a +bird fluttering in the net-work of my Father's will, and +incapable of the smallest independent action. I resigned all +thought of attending any other services than those at our 'Room', +but I did no longer regard this exclusion as a final one. I +bowed, but it was in the house of Rimmon, from which I now knew +that I must inevitably escape. All the liberation, however, which +I desired or dreamed of was only just so much as would bring me +into communion with the outer world of Christianity without +divesting me of the pure and simple principles of faith. + +Of so much emancipation, indeed, I now became ardently desirous, +and in the contemplation of it I rose to a more considerable +degree of religious fervour than I had ever reached before or was +ever to experience later. Our thoughts were at this time +abundantly exercised with the expectation of the immediate coming +of the Lord, who, as my Father and those who thought with him +believed, would suddenly appear, without the least warning, and +would catch up to be with Him in everlasting glory all whom +acceptance of the Atonement had sealed for immortality. These +were, on the whole, not numerous, and our belief was that the +world, after a few days' amazement at the total disappearance of +these persons, would revert to its customary habits of life, +merely sinking more rapidly into a moral corruption due to the +removal of these souls of salt. This event an examination of +prophecy had led my Father to regard as absolutely imminent, and +sometimes, when we parted for the night, he would say with a +sparkling rapture in his eyes, 'Who knows? We may meet next in +the air, with all the cohorts of God's saints!' + +This conviction I shared, without a doubt; and, indeed,--in +perfect innocency, I hope, but perhaps with a touch of slyness +too,--I proposed at the end of the summer holidays that I should +stay at home. 'What is the use of my going to school? Let me be +with you when we rise to meet the Lord in the air!' To this my +Father sharply and firmly replied that it was our duty to carry +on our usual avocations to the last, for we knew not the moment +of His coming, and we should be together in an instant on that +day, how far soever we might be parted upon earth. I was ashamed, +but his argument was logical, and, as it proved, judicious. My +Father lived for nearly a quarter of a century more, never losing +the hope of 'not tasting death', and as the last moments of +mortality approached, he was bitterly disappointed at what he +held to be a scanty reward of his long faith and patience. But if +my own life's work had been, as I proposed, shelved in +expectation of the Lord's imminent advent, I should have cumbered +the ground until this day. + +To school, therefore, I returned with a brain full of strange +discords, in a huddled mixture of' Endymion' and the Book of +Revelation, John Wesley's hymns and 'Midsummer Night's Dream'. +Few boys of my age, I suppose, carried about with them such a +confused throng of immature impressions and contradictory hopes. +I was at one moment devoutly pious, at the next haunted by +visions of material beauty and longing for sensuous impressions. +In my hot and silly brain, Jesus and Pan held sway together, as +in a wayside chapel discordantly and impishly consecrated to +Pagan and to Christian rites. But for the present, as in the +great chorus which so marvellously portrays our double nature, +'the folding-star of Bethlehem' was still dominant. I became more +and more pietistic. Beginning now to versify, I wrote a tragedy +in pale imitation of Shakespeare, but on a Biblical and +evangelistic subject; and odes that were parodies of those in +'Prometheus Unbound', but dealt with the approaching advent of +our Lord and the rapture of His saints. My unwholesome +excitement, bubbling up in this violent way, reached at last a +climax and foamed over. + +It was a summer afternoon, and, being now left very free in my +movements, I had escaped from going out with the rest of my +school-fellows in their formal walk in charge of an usher. I had +been reading a good deal of poetry, but my heart had translated +Apollo and Bacchus into terms of exalted Christian faith. I was +alone, and I lay on a sofa, drawn across a large open window at +the top of the school-house, in a room which was used as a study +by the boys who were 'going up for examination'. I gazed down on +a labyrinth of garden sloping to the sea, which twinkled faintly +beyond the towers of the town. Each of these gardens held a villa +in it, but all the near landscape below me was drowned in +foliage. A wonderful warm light of approaching sunset modelled +the shadows and set the broad summits of the trees in a rich +glow. There was an absolute silence below and around me; a magic +of suspense seemed to keep every topmost twig from waving. + +Over my soul there swept an immense wave of emotion. Now, surely, +now the great final change must be approaching. I gazed up into +the tenderly-coloured sky, and I broke irresistibly into speech. +'Come now, Lord Jesus,' I cried, 'come now and take me to be for +ever with Thee in Thy Paradise. I am ready to come. My heart is +purged from sin, there is nothing that keeps me rooted to this +wicked world. Oh, come now, now, and take me before I have known +the temptations of life, before I have to go to London and all +the dreadful things that happen there!' And I raised myself on +the sofa, and leaned upon the window-sill, and waited for the +glorious apparition. + +This was the highest moment of my religious life, the apex of my +striving after holiness. I waited awhile, watching; and then I +felt a faint shame at the theatrical attitude I had adopted, +although I was alone. Still I gazed and still I hoped. Then a +little breeze sprang up and the branches danced. Sounds began to +rise from the road beneath me. Presently the colour deepened, the +evening came on. From far below there rose to me the chatter of +the boys returning home. The tea--bell rang,--last word of prose +to shatter my mystical poetry. 'The Lord has not come, the Lord +will never come,' I muttered, and in my heart the artificial +edifice of extravagant faith began to totter and crumble. From +that moment forth my Father and I, though the fact was long +successfully concealed from him and even from myself, walked in +opposite hemispheres of the soul, with 'the thick o' the world +between us'. + +EPILOGUE + +THIS narrative, however, must not be allowed to close with the +Son in the foreground of the piece. If it has a value, that value +consists in what light it may contrive to throw upon the unique +and noble figure of the Father. With the advance of years, the +characteristics of this figure became more severely outlined, +more rigorously confined within settled limits. In relation to +the Son--who presently departed, at a very immature age, for the +new life in London--the attitude of the Father continued to be +one of extreme solicitude, deepening by degrees into +disappointment and disenchantment. He abated no jot or tittle of +his demands upon human frailty. He kept the spiritual cord drawn +tight; the Biblical bearing--rein was incessantly busy, jerking +into position the head of the dejected neophyte. That young soul, +removed from the Father's personal inspection, began to blossom +forth crudely and irregularly enough, into new provinces of +thought, through fresh layers of experience. To the painful +mentor at home in the West, the centre of anxiety was still the +meek and docile heart, dedicated to the Lord's service, which +must, at all hazards and with all defiance of the rules of life, +be kept unspotted from the world. + +The torment of a postal inquisition began directly I was settled +in my London lodgings. To my Father--with his ample leisure, his +palpitating apprehension, his ready pen--the flow of +correspondence offered no trouble at all; it was a grave but +gratifying occupation. To me the almost daily letter of +exhortation, with its string of questions about conduct, its +series of warnings, grew to be a burden which could hardly be +borne, particularly because it involved a reply as punctual and +if possible as full as itself. At the age of seventeen, the +metaphysics of the soul are shadowy, and it is a dreadful thing +to be forced to define the exact outline of what is so undulating +and so shapeless. To my Father there seemed no reason why I +should hesitate to give answers of full metallic ring to his hard +and oft-repeated questions; but to me this correspondence was +torture. When I feebly expostulated, when I begged to be left a +little to myself, these appeals of mine automatically stimulated, +and indeed blew up into fierce flames, the ardour of my Father's +alarm. + +The letter, the only too-confidently expected letter, would lie +on the table as I descended to breakfast. It would commonly be, +of course, my only letter, unless tempered by a cosy and chatty +note from my dear and comfortable stepmother, dealing with such +perfectly tranquillizing subjects as the harvest of roses in the +garden or the state of health of various neighbours. But the +other, the solitary letter, in its threatening whiteness, with +its exquisitely penned address--there it would lie awaiting me, +destroying the taste of the bacon, reducing the flavour of the +tea to insipidity. I might fatuously dally with it, I might +pretend not to observe it, but there it lay. Before the morning's +exercise began, I knew that it had to be read, and what was +worse, that it had to be answered. Useless the effort to conceal +from myself what it contained. Like all its precursors, like all +its followers, it would insist, with every variety of appeal, on +a reiterated declaration that I still fully intended, as in the +days of my earliest childhood, 'to be on the Lord's side' in +everything. + +In my replies, I would sometimes answer precisely as I was +desired to answer; sometimes I would evade the queries, and write +about other things; sometimes I would turn upon the tormentor, +and urge that my tender youth might be let alone. It little +mattered what form of weakness I put forth by way of baffling my +Father's direct, firm, unflinching strength. To an appeal against +the bondage of a correspondence of such unbroken solemnity I +would receive--with what a paralysing promptitude!--such a reply +as this:-- + +Let me say that the 'solemnity' you complain of has only been the +expression of tender anxiousness of a father's heart, that his +only child, just turned out upon the world, and very far out of +his sight and hearing, should be walking in God's way. Recollect +that it is not now as it was when you were at school, when we had +personal communication with you at intervals of five days-- we +now know absolutely nothing of you, save from your letters, and +if they do not indicate your spiritual prosperity, the deepest +solicitudes of our hearts have nothing to feed on. But I will try +henceforth to trust you, and lay aside my fears; for you are +worthy of my confidence; and your own God and your father's God +will hold you with His right hand. + +Over such letters as these I am not ashamed to say that I +sometimes wept; the old paper I have just been copying shows +traces of tears shed upon it more than forty years ago, tears +commingled of despair at my own feebleness, distraction, at my +want of will, pity for my Father's manifest and pathetic +distress. He would 'try henceforth to trust' me, he said. Alas! +the effort would be in vain; after a day or two, after a hollow +attempt to write of other things, the importunate subject would +recur; there would intrude again the inevitable questions about +the Atonement and the Means of Grace, the old anxious fears lest +I was 'yielding' my intimacy to agreeable companions who were not +'one with me in Christ', fresh passionate entreaties to be +assured, in every letter, that I was walking in the clear light +of God's presence. + +It seems to me now profoundly strange, although I knew too little +of the world to remark it at the time, that these incessant +exhortations dealt, not with conduct, but with faith. Earlier in +this narrative I have noted how disdainfully, with what an +austere pride, my Father refused to entertain the subject of +personal shortcomings in my behaviour. There were enough of them +to blame, Heaven knows, but he was too lofty-minded a gentleman +to dwell upon them, and, though by nature deeply suspicious of +the possibility of frequent moral lapses, even in the very elect, +he refused to stoop to anything like espionage. + +I owe him a deep debt of gratitude for his beautiful faith in me +in this respect, and now that I was alone in London, at this +tender time of life, 'exposed', as they say, to all sorts of +dangers, as defenceless as a fledgling that has been turned out +of its nest, yet my Father did not, in his uplifted Quixotism, +allow himself to fancy me guilty of any moral misbehaviour, but +concentrated his fears entirely upon my faith. + +'Let me know more of your inner light. Does the candle of the +Lord shine on your soul?' This would be the ceaseless inquiry. +Or, again, 'Do you get any spiritual companionship with young +men? You passed over last Sunday without even a word, yet this +day is the most interesting to me in your whole week. Do you find +the ministry of the Word pleasant, and, above all, profitable? +Does it bring your soul into exercise before God? The Coming of +Christ draweth nigh. Watch, therefore and pray always, that you +may be counted worthy to stand before the Son of Man.' + +If I quote such passages as this from my Father's letters to me, +it is not that I seek entertainment in a contrast between his +earnestness and the casuistical inattention and provoked +distractedness of a young man to whom the real world now offered +its irritating and stimulating scenes of animal and intellectual +life, but to call out sympathy, and perhaps wonder, at the +spectacle of so blind a Roman firmness as my Father's spiritual +attitude displayed. + +His aspirations were individual and metaphysical. At the present +hour, so complete is the revolution which has overturned the +puritanism of which he was perhaps the latest surviving type, +that all classes of religious persons combine in placing +philanthropic activity, the objective attitude, in the +foreground. It is extraordinary how far-reaching the change has +been, so that nowadays a religion which does not combine with its +subjective faith a strenuous labour for the good of others is +hardly held to possess any religious principle worth proclaiming. + +This propaganda of beneficence, this constant attention to the +moral and physical improvement of persons who have been +neglected, is quite recent as a leading feature of religion, +though indeed it seems to have formed some part of the Saviour's +original design. It was unknown to the great preachers of the +seventeenth century, whether Catholic or Protestant, and it +offered but a shadowy attraction to my Father, who was the last +of their disciples. When Bossuet desired his hearers to listen to +the cri de misere l'entour de nous, qui devrait nous fondre le +coeur, he started a new thing in the world of theology. We may +search the famous 'Rule and Exercises of Holy Living' from cover +to cover, and not learn that Jeremy Taylor would have thought +that any activity of the district-visitor or the Salvation lassie +came within the category of saintliness. + +My Father, then, like an old divine, concentrated on thoughts +upon the intellectual part of faith. In his obsession about me, +he believed that if my brain could be kept unaffected by any of +the seductive errors of the age, and my heart centred in the +adoring love of God, all would be well with me in perpetuity. He +was still convinced that by intensely directing my thoughts, he +could compel them to flow in a certain channel, since he had not +begun to learn the lesson, so mournful for saintly men of his +complexion, that 'virtue would not be virtue, could it be given +by one fellow creature to another'. He had recognized, with +reluctance, that holiness was not hereditary, but he continued to +hope that it might be compulsive. I was still 'the child of many +prayers', and it was not to be conceded that these prayers could +remain unanswered. + +The great panacea was now, as always, the study of the Bible, and +this my Father never ceased to urge upon me. He presented to me a +copy of Dean Alford's edition of the Greek New Testament, in four +great volumes, and these he had had so magnificently bound in +full morocco that the work shone on my poor shelf of sixpenny +poets like a duchess among dairy maids. He extracted from me a +written promise that I would translate and meditate upon a +portion of the Greek text every morning before I started for +business. This promise I presently failed to keep, my good +intentions being undermined by an invincible ennui; I concealed +the dereliction from him, and the sense that I was deceiving my +Father ate into my conscience like a canker. But the dilemma was +now before me that I must either deceive my Father in such things +or paralyse my own character. + +My growing distaste for the Holy Scriptures began to occupy my +thoughts, and to surprise as much as it scandalized me. My desire +was to continue to delight in those sacred pages, for which I +still had an instinctive veneration. Yet I could not but observe +the difference between the zeal with which I snatched at a volume +of Carlyle or Ruskin--since these magicians were now first +revealing themselves to me--and the increasing languor with which +I took up Alford for my daily 'passage'. Of course, although I +did not know it, and believed my reluctance to be sinful, the +real reason why I now found the Bible so difficult to read was my +familiarity with its contents. These had the colourless triteness +of a story retold a hundred times. I longed for something new, +something that would gratify curiosity and excite surprise. +Whether the facts and doctrines contained in the Bible were true +or false was not the question that appealed to me; it was rather +that they had been presented to me so often and had sunken into +me so far that, as someone has said, they 'lay bedridden in the +dormitory of the soul', and made no impression of any kind upon +me. + +It often amazed me, and I am still unable to understand the fact, +that my Father, through his long life--or until nearly the close +of it--continued to take an eager pleasure in the text of the +Bible. As I think I have already said, before he reached middle +life, he had committed practically the whole of it to memory, and +if started anywhere, even in a Minor Prophet, he could go on +without a break as long as ever he was inclined for that +exercise. He, therefore, at no time can have been assailed by the +satiety of which I have spoken, and that it came so soon to me I +must take simply as an indication of difference of temperament. +It was not possible, even through the dark glass of +correspondence, to deceive his eagle eye in this matter, and his +suspicions accordingly took another turn. He conceived me to have +become, or to be becoming, a victim of 'the infidelity of the +age.' +In this new difficulty, he appealed to forms of modern literature +by the side of which the least attractive pages of Leviticus or +Deuteronomy struck me as even thrilling. In particular, he urged +upon me a work, then just published, called The Continuity of +Scripture by William Page Wood, afterwards Lord Chancellor +Hatherley. I do not know why he supposed that the lucubrations of +an exemplary lawyer, delivered in a style that was like the +trickling of sawdust, would succeed in rousing emotions which the +glorious rhetoric of the Orient had failed to awaken; but Page +Wood had been a Sunday School teacher for thirty years, and my +Father was always unduly impressed by the acumen of pious +barristers. + +As time went on, and I grew older and more independent in mind, +my Father's anxiety about what he called 'the pitfalls and snares +which surround on every hand the thoughtless giddy youth of +London' became extremely painful to himself. By harping in +private upon these 'pitfalls'--which brought to my imagination a +funny rough woodcut in an old edition of Bunyan, where a devil +was seen capering over a sort of box let neatly into the ground-- +he worked himself up into a frame of mind which was not a little +irritating to his hapless correspondent, who was now 'snared' +indeed, limed by the pen like a bird by the feet, and could not +by any means escape. To a peck or a flutter from the bird the +implacable fowler would reply: + +You charge me with being suspicious, and I fear I cannot deny the +charge. But I can appeal to your own sensitive and thoughtful +mind for a considerable allowance. My deep and tender love for +you; your youth and inexperience; the examples of other young +men; your distance from parental counsel; our absolute and +painful ignorance of all the details of your daily life, except +what you yourself tell us:--try to throw yourself into the +standing of a parent, and say if my suspiciousness is +unreasonable. I rejoicingly acknowledge that from all I see you +are pursuing a virtuous, steady, worthy course. One good thing my +suspiciousness does:--ever and anon it brings out from you +assurances, which greatly refresh and comfort me. And again, it +carries me ever to God's Throne of Grace on your behalf Holy Job +suspected that his sons might have sinned, and cursed God in +their heart. Was not his suspicion much like mine, grounded on +the same reasons and productive of the same results? For it drove +him to God in intercession. I have adduced the example of this +Patriarch before, and he will endure being looked at again. + +In fact, Holy Job continued to be frequently looked at, and for +this Patriarch I came to experience a hatred which was as +venomous as it was undeserved. But what youth of eighteen would +willingly be compared with the sons of Job And indeed, for my +part, I felt much more like that justly exasperated character, +Elihu the Buzite, of the kindred of Ram. + +As time went on, the peculiar strain of inquisition was relaxed, +and I endured fewer and fewer of the torments of religious +correspondence. Nothing abides in one tense projection, and my +Father, resolute as he was, had other preoccupations. His +orchids, his microscope, his physiological researches, his +interpretations of prophecy, filled up the hours of his active +and strenuous life, and, out of his sight, I became not indeed +out of his mind, but no longer ceaselessly in the painful +foreground of it. Yet, although the reiteration of his anxiety +might weary him a little as it had wearied me well nigh to groans +of despair, there was not the slightest change in his real +attitude towards the subject or towards me. + +I have already had occasion to say that he had nothing of the +mystic or the visionary about him. At certain times and on +certain points, he greatly desired that signs and wonders, such +as had astonished and encouraged the infancy of the Christian +Church, might again be vouchsafed to it, but he did not pretend +to see such miracles himself, nor give the slightest credence to +others who asserted that they did. He often congratulated himself +on the fact that although his mind dwelt so constantly on +spiritual matters it was never betrayed into any suspension of +the rational functions. + +Cross-examination by letter slackened, but on occasion of my +brief and usually summer visits to Devonshire I suffered acutely +from my Father's dialectical appetites. He was surrounded by +peasants, on whom the teeth of his arguments could find no +purchase. To him, in that intellectual Abdera, even an unwilling +youth from London offered opportunities of pleasant contest. He +would declare himself ready, nay eager, for argument. With his +mental sleeves turned up, he would adopt a fighting attitude, and +challenge me to a round on any portion of the Scheme of Grace. +His alacrity was dreadful to me, his well-aimed blows fell on +what was rather a bladder or a pillow than a vivid antagonist. + +He was, indeed, most unfairly handicapped,--I was naked, he in a +suit of chain armour,--for he had adopted a method which I +thought, and must still think, exceedingly unfair. He assumed +that he had private knowledge of the Divine Will, and he would +meet my temporizing arguments by asseverations,--'So sure as my +God liveth!' or by appeals to a higher authority,--'But what does +my Lord tell me in Paul's Letter to the Philippians?' It was the +prerogative of his faith to know, and of his character to +overpower objection; between these two millstones I was rapidly +ground to powder. + +These 'discussions', as they were rather ironically called, +invariably ended for me in disaster. I was driven out of my +papier-mache fastnesses, my canvas walls rocked at the first peal +from my Father's clarion, and the foe pursued me across the +plains of Jericho until I lay down ignominiously and covered my +face. I seemed to be pushed with horns of iron, such as those +which Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah prepared for the +encouragement of Ahab. + +When I acknowledged defeat and cried for quarter, my Father would +become radiant, and I still seem to hear the sound of his full +voice, so thrilling, so warm, so painful to my over-strained +nerves, bursting forth in a sort of benediction at the end of +each of these one-sided contentions, with 'I bow my knees unto +the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, that He would grant you, +according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with +might by His Spirit in the inner man; that Christ may dwell in +your heart by faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, +may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, +and length, and depth, and height, and to know the love of Christ +which passeth knowledge, that you might be filled with the +fullness of God.' + +Thus solemn and thus ceremonious was my Father apt to become, +without a moment's warning, on plain and domestic occasions; +abruptly brimming over with emotion like a basin which an unseen +flow of water has filled and over-filled. + +I earnestly desire that no trace of that absurd self-pity which +is apt to taint recollections of this nature should give falsity +to mine. My Father, let me say once more, had other interests +than those of his religion. In particular, at this time, he took +to painting in water-colours in the open air, and he resumed the +assiduous study of botany. He was no fanatical monomaniac. +Nevertheless, there was, in everything he did and said, the +central purpose present. He acknowledged it plainly; 'with me,' +he confessed, 'every question assumes a Divine standpoint and is +not adequately answered if the judgement-seat of Christ is not +kept in sight.' + +This was maintained whether the subject under discussion was +poetry, or society, or the Prussian war with Austria, or the +stamen of a wild flower. Once, at least, he was himself conscious +of the fatiguing effect on my temper of this insistency, for, +raising his great brown eyes with a flash of laughter in them, he +closed the Bible suddenly after a very lengthy disquisition, and +quoted his Virgil to startling effect:-- + +Claudite jam rivos, pueri: Sat prata biberunt. + +The insistency of his religious conversation was, probably, the +less incomprehensible to me on account of the evangelical +training to which I had been so systematically subjected. It was, +however, none the less intolerably irksome, and would have been +exasperating, I believe, even to a nature in which a powerful and +genuine piety was inherent. To my own, in which a feeble and +imitative faith was expiring, it was deeply vexatious. It led, +alas! to a great deal of bowing in the house of Rimmon, to much +hypocritical ingenuity in drawing my Father's attention away, if +possible, as the terrible subject was seen to be looming and +approaching. In this my stepmother would aid and abet, sometimes +producing incongruous themes, likely to attract my Father aside, +with a skill worthy of a parlour conjurer, and much to my +admiration. If, however, she was not unwilling to come, in this +way, to the support of my feebleness, there was no open collusion +between us. She always described my Father, when she was alone +with me, admiringly, as one 'whose trumpet gave no uncertain +sound'. There was not a tinge of infidelity upon her candid mind, +but she was human, and I think that now and then she was +extremely bored. + +My Father was entirely devoid of the prudence which turns away +its eyes and passes as rapidly as possible in the opposite +direction. The peculiar kind of drama in which every sort of +social discomfort is welcomed rather than that the characters +should be happy when guilty of 'acting a lie', was not invented +in those days, and there can hardly be imagined a figure more +remote from my Father than Ibsen. Yet when I came, at a far later +date, to read The Wild Duck, memories of the embarrassing +household of my infancy helped me to realize Gregers Werle, with +his determination to pull the veil of illusion away from every +compromise that makes life bearable. + +I was docile, I was plausible, I was anything but combative; if +my Father could have persuaded himself to let me alone, if he +could merely have been willing to leave my subterfuges and my +explanations unanalysed, all would have been well. But he refused +to see any difference in temperament between a lad of twenty and +a sage of sixty. He had no vital sympathy for youth, which in +itself had no charm for him. He had no compassion for the +weaknesses of immaturity, and his one and only anxiety was to be +at the end of his spiritual journey, safe with me in the house +where there are many mansions. The incidents of human life upon +the road to glory were less than nothing to him. + +My Father was very fond of defining what was his own attitude at +this time, and he was never tired of urging the same ambition +upon me. He regarded himself as the faithful steward of a Master +who might return at any moment, and who would require to find +everything ready for his convenience. That master was God, with +whom my Father seriously believed himself to be in relations much +more confidential than those vouchsafed to ordinary pious +persons. He awaited, with anxious hope, 'the coming of the Lord', +an event which he still frequently believed to be imminent. He +would calculate, by reference to prophecies in the Old and New +Testament, the exact date of this event; the date would pass, +without the expected Advent, and he would be more than +disappointed,--he would be incensed. Then he would understand +that he must have made some slight error in calculation, and the +pleasures of anticipation would recommence. + +Me in all this he used as a kind of inferior coadjutor, much as a +responsible and upper servant might use a footboy. I, also, must +be watching; it was not important that I should be seriously +engaged in any affairs of my own. I must be ready for the +Master's coming; and my Father's incessant cross-examination was +made in the spirit of a responsible servant who fidgets lest some +humble but essential piece of household work has been neglected. + +My holidays, however, and all my personal relations with my +Father were poisoned by this insistency. I was never at my ease +in his company; I never knew when I might not be subjected to a +series of searching questions which I should not be allowed to +evade. Meanwhile, on every other stage of experience I was +gaining the reliance upon self and the respect for the opinion of +others which come naturally to a young man of sober habits who +earns his own living and lives his own life. For this kind of +independence my Father had no respect or consideration, when +questions of religion were introduced, although he handsomely +conceded it on other points. And now first there occurred to me +the reflection, which in years to come I was to repeat over and +over, with an ever sadder emphasis,--what a charming companion, +what a delightful parent, what a courteous and engaging friend my +Father would have been, and would pre-eminently have been to me, +if it had not been for this stringent piety which ruined it all. + +Let me speak plainly. After my long experience, after my patience +and forbearance, I have surely the right to protest against the +untruth (would that I could apply to it any other word!) that +evangelical religion, or any religion in a violent form, is a +wholesome or valuable or desirable adjunct to human life. It +divides heart from heart. It sets up a vain, chimerical ideal, in +the barren pursuit of which all the tender, indulgent affections, +all the genial play of life, all the exquisite pleasures and soft +resignations of the body, all that enlarges and calms the soul +are exchanged for what is harsh and void and negative. It +encourages a stern and ignorant spirit of condemnation; it throws +altogether out of gear the healthy movement of the conscience; it +invents virtues which are sterile and cruel; it invents sins +which are no sins at all, but which darken the heaven of innocent +joy with futile clouds of remorse. There is something horrible, +if we will bring ourselves to face it, in the fanaticism that can +do nothing with this pathetic and fugitive existence of ours but +treat it as if it were the uncomfortable ante-chamber to a palace +which no one has explored and of the plan of which we know +absolutely nothing. My Father, it is true, believed that he was +intimately acquainted with the form and furniture of this +habitation, and he wished me to think of nothing else but of the +advantages of an eternal residence in it. + +Then came a moment when my self-sufficiency revolted against the +police-inspection to which my 'views' were incessantly subjected. +There was a morning, in the hot-house at home, among the gorgeous +waxen orchids which reminded my Father of the tropics in his +youth, when my forbearance or my timidity gave way. The enervated +air, soaked with the intoxicating perfumes of all those +voluptuous flowers, may have been partly responsible for my +outburst. My Father had once more put to me the customary +interrogatory. Was I 'walking closely with God'? Was my sense of +the efficacy of the Atonement clear and sound? Had the Holy +Scriptures still their full authority with me? My replies on this +occasion were violent and hysterical. I have no clear +recollection what it was that I said,--I desire not to recall the +whimpering sentences in which I begged to be let alone, in which +I demanded the right to think for myself, in which I repudiated +the idea that my Father was responsible to God for my secret +thoughts and my most intimate convictions. + +He made no answer; I broke from the odorous furnace of the +conservatory, and buried my face in the cold grass upon the lawn. +My visit to Devonshire, already near its close, was hurried to an +end. I had scarcely arrived in London before the following +letter, furiously despatched in the track of the fugitive, buried +itself like an arrow in my heart: + +When your sainted Mother died, she not only tenderly committed +you to God, but left you also as a solemn charge to me, to bring +you up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. That +responsibility I have sought constantly to keep before me: I can +truly aver that it has been ever before me--in my choice of a +housekeeper, in my choice of a school, in my ordering of your +holidays, in my choice of a second wife, in my choice of an +occupation for you, in my choice of a residence for you; and in +multitudes of lesser things--I have sought to act for you, not in +the light of this present world, but with a view to Eternity. + +Before your childhood was past, there seemed God's manifest +blessing on our care; for you seemed truly converted to Him; you +confessed, in solemn baptism, that you had died and had been +raised with Christ; and you were received with joy into the bosom +of the Church of God, as one alive from the dead. + +All this filled my heart with thankfulness and joy, whenever I +thought of you:--how could it do otherwise? And when I left you +in London, on that dreary winter evening, my heart, full of +sorrowing love, found its refuge and its resource in this +thought,--that you 'were one of the lambs of Christ's flock; +sealed with the Holy Spirit as His; renewed in heart to holiness, +in the image of God. + +For a while, all appeared to go on fairly well: we yearned, +indeed, to discover more of heart in your allusions to religious +matters, but your expressions towards us were filial and +affectionate; your conduct, so far as we could see, was moral and +becoming; you mingled with the people of God, spoke of occasional +delight and profit in His ordinances; and employed your talents +in service to Him. + +But of late, and specially during the past year, there has become +manifest a rapid progress towards evil. (I must beg you here to +pause, and again to look to God for grace to weigh what I am +about to say; or else wrath will rise.) + +When you came to us in the summer, the heavy blow fell full upon +me; and I discovered how very far you had departed from God. It +was not that you had yielded to the strong tide of youthful +blood, and had fallen a victim to fleshly lusts; in that case, +however sad, your enlightened conscience would have spoken +loudly, and you would have found your way back to the blood which +cleanseth us from all sin, to humble confession and self- +abasement, to forgiveness and to recommunion with God. It was not +this; it was worse. It was that horrid, insidious infidelity, +which had already worked in your mind and heart with terrible +energy. Far worse, I say, because this was sapping the very +foundations of faith, on which all true godliness, all real +religion, must rest. + +Nothing seemed left to which I could appeal. We had, I found, no +common ground. The Holy Scriptures had no longer any authority: +you had taught yourself to evade their inspiration. Any +particular Oracle of God which pressed you, you could easily +explain away; even the very character of God you weighed in your +balance of fallen reason, and fashioned it accordingly. You were +thus sailing down the rapid tide of time towards Eternity, +without a single authoritative guide (having cast your chart +overboard), except what you might fashion and forge on your own +anvil,--except what you might guess, in fact. + +Do not think I am speaking in passion, and using unwarrantable +strength of words. If the written Word is not absolutely +authoritative, what do we know of God? What more than we can +infer, that is, guess,--as the thoughtful heathens guessed,-- +Plato, Socrates, Cicero, + +--from dim and mute surrounding phenomena? What do we know of +Eternity? Of our relations to God? Especially of the relations of +a sinner to God? What of reconciliation? What of the capital +question--How can a God of perfect spotless rectitude deal with +me, a corrupt sinner, who have trampled on those of His laws +which were even written on my conscience?... + +This dreadful conduct of yours I had intended, after much prayer, +to pass by in entire silence; but your apparently sincere +inquiries after the cause of my sorrow have led me to go to the +root of the matter, and I could not stop short of the development +contained in this letter. It is with pain, not in anger, that I +send it; hoping that you may be induced to review the whole +course, of which this is only a stage, before God. If this grace +were granted to you, oh! how joyfully should I bury all the past, +and again have sweet and tender fellowship with my beloved Son, +as of old. + +The reader who has done me the favour to follow this record of +the clash of two temperaments will not fail to perceive the +crowning importance of the letter from which I have just made a +long quotation. It sums up, with the closest logic, the whole +history of the situation, and I may leave it to form the epigraph +of this little book. + +All that I need further say is to point out that when such +defiance is offered to the intelligence of a thoughtful and +honest young man with the normal impulses of his twenty-one +years, there are but two alternatives. Either he must cease to +think for himself; or his individualism must be instantly +confirmed, and the necessity of religious independence must be +emphasized. + +No compromise, it is seen, was offered; no proposal of a truce +would have been acceptable. It was a case of 'Everything or +Nothing'; and thus desperately challenged, the young man's +conscience threw off once for all the yoke of his 'dedication', +and, as respectfully as he could, without parade or remonstrance, +he took a human being's privilege to fashion his inner life for +himself. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Father and Son, by Edmund Gosse + diff --git a/old/ftrsn10.zip b/old/ftrsn10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc55c24 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ftrsn10.zip |