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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Fables in Slang, by George Ade
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Fables in Slang
+
+Author: George Ade
+
+Illustrator: Clyde J. Newman
+
+Release Date: May 4, 2008 [EBook #25322]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FABLES IN SLANG ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards, Graeme Mackreth and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was produced from scanned images of public domain
+material from the Google Print project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Fables _in_ Slang
+
+
+
+
+Fables _in_ Slang
+
+
+
+
+FABLES
+
+IN
+
+SLANG
+
+by GEORGE ADE
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED by CLYDE J.
+
+NEWMAN
+
+PUBLISHED BY
+
+HERBERT S. STONE AND COMPANY CHICAGO & NEW YORK
+
+MDCCCCI
+
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1899, BY
+HERBERT S. STONE & CO.
+
+_The Author and the Publishers wish to acknowledge the courtesy of_
+VICTOR F. LAWSON, ESQ., _in permitting the reissue of these Fables in
+book form, after their appearance in the columns of_ THE CHICAGO RECORD.
+
+
+SIXTY-EIGHTH THOUSAND
+
+
+
+
+Table _of_ Contents
+
+                                                                       PAGE
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Visitor _Who_ Got _a_ Lot _for_ Three
+Dollars                                                                   1
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Slim Girl _Who_ Tried to Keep a Date
+that was Never Made                                                       9
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ New York Person _Who_ Gave _the_ Stage
+Fright _to_ Fostoria, Ohio                                               15
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Kid _Who_ Shifted _His_ Ideal                       23
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Base Ball Fan _Who_ Took _the_ Only Known Cure      27
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Good Fairy _with the_ Lorgnette, _and
+why_ She Got _It_ Good                                                   33
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Unintentional Heroes _of_ Centreville               47
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Parents _Who_ Tinkered _with the_ Offspring         53
+
+_The_ Fable _of_ How _He_ Never Touched George                           59
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Preacher _Who_ Flew _His_ Kite, _but_ not
+Because _He_ Wished _to_ Do _So_                                         63
+
+_The_ Fable _of_ Handsome Jethro, _Who was_ Simply Cut
+Out _to_ be _a_ Merchant                                                 75
+
+_The_ Fable _of_ Paducah's Favorite Comedians _and the_
+Mildewed Stunt                                                           83
+
+_The_ Fable _of_ Flora _and_ Adolph _and a_ Home Gone Wrong              93
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Copper _and the_ Jovial Undergrads                 105
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Professor _Who_ Wanted _to be_ Alone               111
+
+_The_ Fable _of a_ Statesman _Who_ Couldn't Make Good                   115
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Brash Drummer _and the_ Peach _Who_
+Learned _that_ There Were Others                                        123
+
+_The_ Fable _of_ Sister Mae, _Who_ Did _as_ Well _as_ Could
+Be Expected                                                             135
+
+_The_ Fable _of_ How _the_ Fool-Killer Backed Out _of a_ Contract       143
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Caddy _Who_ Hurt His Head while Thinking           147
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Martyr _Who_ Liked _the_ Job                       151
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Bohemian _Who_ had Hard Luck                       157
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Coming Champion _Who was_ Delayed                  163
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Lawyer _Who_ Brought in _a_ Minority Report        177
+
+_The_ Fable _of the Two_ Mandolin Players _and the_ Willing Performer   181
+
+_The_ Fable _of the_ Man _Who_ Didn't Care _for_ Story-Books            195
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ VISITOR _WHO_ GOT _A_ LOT _FOR_ THREE DOLLARS.
+
+
+The Learned Phrenologist sat in his Office surrounded by his Whiskers.
+
+Now and then he put a Forefinger to his Brow and glanced at the Mirror
+to make sure that he still resembled William Cullen Bryant.
+
+Near him, on a Table, was a Pallid Head made of Plaster-of-Paris and
+stickily ornamented with small Labels. On the wall was a Chart showing
+that the Orangoutang does not have Daniel Webster's facial angle.
+
+"Is the Graft played out?" asked the Learned Phrenologist, as he waited.
+"Is Science up against it or What?"
+
+Then he heard the fall of Heavy Feet and resumed his Imitation. The Door
+opened and there came into the Room a tall, rangy Person with a Head in
+the shape of a Rocky Ford Cantaloupe.
+
+Aroused from his Meditation, the Learned Phrenologist looked up at the
+Stranger as through a Glass, darkly, and pointed to a Red Plush Chair.
+
+The Easy Mark collapsed into the Boarding-House Chair and the Man with
+more Whiskers than Darwin ever saw stood behind Him and ran his Fingers
+over his Head, Tarantula-Wise.
+
+[Illustration: THE LEARNED PHRENOLOGIST]
+
+"Well, well!" said the Learned Phrenologist "Enough Benevolence here
+to do a family of Eight. Courage? I guess yes! Dewey's got the same kind
+of a Lump right over the Left Ear. Love of Home and Friends--like the
+ridge behind a Bunker! Firmness--out of sight! Reverence--well, when it
+comes to Reverence, you're certainly There with the Goods!
+Conscientiousness, Hope, and Ideality--the Limit! And as for
+Metaphysical Penetration--oh, Say, the Metaphysical Penetration, right
+where you part the Hair--oh, Laura! Say, you've got Charles Eliot Norton
+whipped to a Custard. I've got my Hand on it now. You can feel it
+yourself, can't you?"
+
+"I can feel Something," replied the Human Being, with a rapt Smile.
+
+[Illustration: HUMAN BEING]
+
+"Wit, Compassion and Poetic Talent--right here where I've got my
+Thumb--a Cinch! I think you'll run as high as 98 per cent on all the
+Intellectual Faculties. In your Case we have a Rare Combination of
+Executive Ability, or the Power to Command, and those Qualities of
+Benevolence and Ideality which contribute to the fostering of Permanent
+Religious Sentiment. I don't know what your present Occupation is, but
+you ought to be President of a Theological Seminary. Kindly slip me
+Three Dollars before you Pass Out."
+
+The Tall Man separated himself from Two Days' Pay and then went out on
+the Street and pushed People off the Sidewalk, He thought so well of
+Himself.
+
+Thereafter, as before, he drove a Truck, but he was always glad to know
+that he could have been President of a Theological Seminary.
+
+Moral: _A good Jolly is worth Whatever you Pay for it._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ SLIM GIRL _WHO_ TRIED _TO_ KEEP _A_ DATE _THAT WAS_
+NEVER MADE
+
+
+Once upon a Time there was a slim Girl with a Forehead which was Shiny
+and Protuberant, like a Bartlett Pear. When asked to put Something in an
+Autograph Album she invariably wrote the Following, in a tall,
+dislocated Back-Hand:
+
+   "Life is Real; life is Earnest,
+   And the Grave is not its Goal."
+
+That's the kind of a Girl she was.
+
+In her own Town she had the Name of being a Cold Proposition, but that
+was because the Primitive Yokels of a One-Night Stand could not Attune
+Themselves to the Views of one who was troubled with Ideals. Her Soul
+Panted for the Higher Life.
+
+Alas, the Rube Town in which she Hung Forth was given over to Croquet,
+Mush and Milk Sociables, a lodge of Elks and two married Preachers who
+doctored for the Tonsilitis. So what could the Poor Girl do?
+
+In all the Country around there was not a Man who came up to her Plans
+and Specifications for a Husband. Neither was there any Man who had any
+time for Her. So she led a lonely Life, dreaming of the One--the Ideal.
+He was a big and pensive Literary Man, wearing a Prince Albert coat, a
+neat Derby Hat and godlike Whiskers. When He came he would enfold Her
+in his Arms and whisper Emerson's Essays to her.
+
+[Illustration: COLD PROPOSITION]
+
+But the Party failed to show up.
+
+Often enough she put on her Chip Hat and her Black Lisle Gloves and
+Sauntered down to look at the Gang sitting in front of the Occidental
+Hotel, hoping that the Real Thing would be there. But she always saw the
+same old line of Four-Flush Drummers from Chicago and St. Louis, smoking
+Horrid Cigars and talking about the Percentages of the League Teams.
+
+She knew that these Gross Creatures were not prone to chase mere
+Intellectual Splendor, so she made no effort to Flag them.
+
+[Illustration: FOUR-FLUSH DRUMMER]
+
+When she was Thirty-Four years of age and was able to recite "Lucile"
+without looking at the Book she was Married to a Janitor of the name
+of Ernest. He had been kicked in the Head by a Mule when young and
+believed everything he read in the Sunday Papers. His pay was
+Twenty-Three a month, which was high, if you knew Ernest.
+
+His Wife wore a red Mother Hubbard all during the Remainder of her Life.
+
+This is invariably a Sign of Blasted Hopes.
+
+MORAL: _Never Live in a Jay Town_.
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ NEW YORK PERSON _WHO_ GAVE _THE_ STAGE FRIGHT _TO_
+FOSTORIA, OHIO
+
+
+A New York man went to visit a Cousin in the Far West.
+
+The name of the Town was Fostoria, Ohio.
+
+When he came into Town he had his Watch-Chain on the outside of his
+Coat, and his Pink Spats were the first ever seen in Fostoria.
+
+"Have you a Manicure Parlor in this Beastly Hole?" asked the New York
+Man, as they walked up from the Train.
+
+"What's that?" asked the Cousin, stepping on his own Feet.
+
+"Great Heavens!" exclaimed the New York Man, and was silent for several
+Moments.
+
+At Dinner he called for Artichokes, and when told that there were none,
+he said, "Oh, very well," in a Tone of Chastened Resignation.
+
+After Dinner he took the Family into the Parlor, and told the Members
+how much they would Enjoy going to Weber and Fields'. Seeing a Book on
+the Table, he sauntered up to It and said, "Ah, one of Dick Davis'
+Things." Later in the Evening he visited the only Club House in Town.
+The Local Editor of the Evening Paper was playing Pin-Pool with the
+Superintendent of the Trolley Line. When the New York Man came into the
+Room, they began to Tremble and fell down on their Shots.
+
+[Illustration: NEW YORK MAN]
+
+The Manager of the Hub and Spoke Factory then asked the New York Man to
+have a Drink. The New York Man wondered if a Small Bottle was already
+cold. They said Yes, but it was a Lie. The Boy had to go out for it.
+
+He found One that had been in the Window of the Turf Exchange since the
+Grand Opening, the Year after Natural Gas was discovered. The New York
+Man drank it, remarking that it was hardly as Dry as he usually got it
+at Martin's.
+
+The Club Members looked at Him and said Nothing. They thought he meant
+Bradley-Martin's.
+
+Next Day the New York Man was Interviewed by the Local Editor. He said
+the West had a Great Future. In the Evening he attended the Annual
+Dinner of the Bicycle Club, and went Home early because the Man sitting
+next to him put Ice in his Claret.
+
+[Illustration: SNAKE CHARMER]
+
+In due time he returned to New York, and Fostoria took off its White
+Shirt.
+
+Some Weeks after that, the Cousin of the New York Man had an Opportunity
+to visit the Metropolis. He rode on an Extra Ticket with a Stockman who
+was shipping three Car-Load of Horses, and got a Free Ticket for every
+Car-Load.
+
+When the Cousin arrived at New York he went to the address, and found
+the New York Man at Dinner.
+
+There was a Sheaf of Celery on the Table.
+
+Opposite the New York Man sat a Chiropodist who drank.
+
+At his right was a Large Woman in a Flowered Wrapper--she had been
+Weeping.
+
+At his left was a Snake-Charmer from Huber's Museum.
+
+The New York Man asked the Cousin to wait Outside, and then explained
+that he was stopping there Temporarily. That Evening they went to
+Proctor's, and stood during the Performance.
+
+MORAL: _A New York Man never begins to Cut Ice until he is west of
+Rahway_.
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ KID _WHO_ SHIFTED _HIS_ IDEAL
+
+
+An A.D.T. Kid carrying a Death Message marked "Rush" stopped in front of
+a Show Window containing a Picture of James J. Jeffries and began to
+weep bitterly.
+
+A kind-hearted Suburbanite happened to be passing along on his Way to
+the 5:42 Train. He was carrying a Dog Collar, a Sickle, a Basket of Egg
+Plums and a Bicycle Tire.
+
+The Suburbanite saw the A.D.T. Kid in Tears and it struck him that here
+was a Bully Chance to act out the Kind-Hearted Pedestrian who is always
+played up strong in the Sunday School Stories about Ralph and Edgar.
+
+"Why do you weep?" he asked, peering at the Boy through his
+concavo-convex Nose Glasses.
+
+"Oh, gee! I was just Thinking," replied the Urchin, brokenly. "I was
+just Thinking what chance have I got to grow up and be the Main Stem,
+like Mr. Jeffries."
+
+[Illustration: THE KID]
+
+"What a perverted Ambition!" exclaimed the Suburbanite. "Why do you set
+up Mr. Jeffries as an Ideal? Why do you not strive to be like Me? Is it
+not worth a Life of Endeavor to command the Love and Respect of a Moral
+Settlement on the Outskirts? All the Conductors on our Division speak
+pleasantly to Me, and the Gateman has come to know my Name. Last year
+I had my Half-Tone in the Village Weekly for the mere Cost of the
+Engraving. When we opened Locust avenue from the Cemetery west to
+Alexander's Dairy, was I not a Member of the Committee appointed to
+present the Petition to the Councilmen? That's what I was! For Six Years
+I have been a Member of the League of American Wheelmen and now I am a
+Candidate for Director of our new four-hole Golf Club. Also I play Whist
+on the Train with a Man who once lived in the same House with T. DeWitt
+Talmage."
+
+Hearing these words the A.D.T. Kid ceased weeping and cheerfully
+proceeded up an Alley, where he played "Wood Tag."
+
+MORAL: _As the Twig is Bent the Tree is Inclined._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ BASE BALL FAN _WHO_ TOOK _THE_ ONLY KNOWN CURE
+
+
+Once upon a Time a Base Ball Fan lay on his Death-Bed.
+
+He had been a Rooter from the days of Underhand Pitching.
+
+It was simply Pie for him to tell in what year Anse began to play with
+the Rockfords and what Kelly's Batting Average was the Year he sold for
+Ten Thousand.
+
+If you asked him who played Center for Boston in 1886 he could tell you
+quick--right off the Reel. And he was a walking Directory of all the
+Glass Arms in the Universe.
+
+More than once he had let drive with a Pop Bottle at the Umpire and then
+yelled "Robber" until his Pipes gave out. For many Summers he would come
+Home, one Evening after Another, with his Collar melted, and tell his
+Wife that the Giants made the Colts look like a lot of Colonial Dames
+playing Bean Bag in a Weedy Lot back of an Orphan Asylum, and they ought
+to put a Trained Nurse on Third, and the Dummy at Right needed an
+Automobile, and the New Man couldn't jump out of a Boat and hit the
+Water, and the Short-Stop wouldn't be able to pick up a Ball if it was
+handed to him on a Platter with Water Cress around it, and the Easy One
+to Third that ought to have been Sponge Cake was fielded like a
+One-Legged Man with St. Vitus dance trying to do the Nashville Salute.
+
+[Illustration: THE FAN]
+
+Of course she never knew what he was Talking about, but she put up with
+it, Year after Year, mixing Throat Gargle for him and reading the Games
+to him when he was having his Eyes tested and had to wear a Green Shade.
+
+At last he came to his Ninth Inning and there were Two Strikes called
+and no Balls, and his Friends knew it was All Day with him. They stood
+around and tried to forget that he was a Fan. His Wife wept softly and
+consoled herself with the Thought that possibly he would have amounted
+to Something if there had been no National Game. She forgave Everything
+and pleaded for one Final Message. His Lips moved. She leaned over and
+Listened. He wanted to know if there was Anything in the Morning Papers
+about the Condition of Bill Lange's Knee.
+
+MORAL: _There is a Specific Bacillus for every Classified Disease._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ GOOD FAIRY _WITH THE_ LORGNETTE, _AND WHY_ SHE GOT
+_IT_ GOOD
+
+
+Once Upon a Time there was a Broad Girl who had nothing else to do and
+no Children to look after, so she thought she would be Benevolent.
+
+She had scared all the Red Corpuscles out of the 2 by 4 Midget who
+rotated about her in a Limited Orbit and was known by Courtesy as her
+Husband. He was Soft for her, and so she got it Mapped out with Herself
+that she was a Superior Woman.
+
+She knew that when she switched the Current on to herself she Used up
+about 6,000 Ohms an hour, and the whole Neighborhood had to put on
+Blinders.
+
+She had read about nine Subscription Books with Cupid and Dove
+Tail-Pieces and she believed that she could get away with any Topic that
+was batted up to her and then slam it over to Second in time to head off
+the Runner.
+
+Her clothes were full of Pin-Holes where she had been hanging Medals on
+Herself, and she used to go in a Hand-Ball Court every Day and throw up
+Bouquets, letting them bounce back and hit Her.
+
+[Illustration: THE MIDGET]
+
+Also, She would square off in front of a Camera every Two Weeks, and the
+Man was Next, for he always removed the Mole when he was touching up
+the Negative. In the Photograph the Broad Girl resembled Pauline Hall,
+but outside of the Photograph, and take it in the Morning when she
+showed up on the Level, she looked like a Street just before they put on
+the Asphalt.
+
+But never you Fear, She thought She had Julia Arthur and Mary Mannering
+Seventeen up and One to play, so far as Good Looks were concerned; and
+when it came to the Gray Matter--the Cerebrum, the Cerebellum, and the
+Medulla Oblongata--May Wright Sewall was back of the Flag and Pulled up
+Lame.
+
+The Down-Trodden Man, whom she had dragged to the Altar, sized Her all
+right, but he was afraid of his Life. He wasn't Strong enough to push
+Her in front of a Cable Car, and he didn't have the Nerve to get a
+Divorce. So he stood for Everything; but in the Summer, when She skated
+off into the Woods to hear a man with a Black Alpaca Coat lecture to the
+High Foreheads about the Subverted Ego, he used to go out with a few
+Friends and tell them his Troubles and weep into his Beer. They would
+slap him on the Back and tell him she was a Nice Woman; but he knew
+better.
+
+Annyhow, as Bobby Gaylor used to say, she became restless around the
+House, with nothing to do except her Husband, so she made up her mind to
+be Benevolent to beat the Band. She decided that she would allow the
+Glory of her Presence to burst upon the Poor and the Uncultured. It
+would be a Big Help to the Poor and Uncultured to see what a Real
+Razmataz Lady was like.
+
+She didn't Propose to put on Old Clothes, and go and live with Poor
+People, and be One of Them, and nurse their Sick, as they do in
+Settlements. Not on Your Previous Existence! She was going to be
+Benevolent, and be Dead Swell at the Same Time.
+
+Accordingly, she would Lace Herself until she was the shape of a Bass
+Viol, and put on her Tailor-Made, and the Hat that made her Face seem
+longer, and then she would Gallop forth to do Things to the Poor. She
+always carried a 99-cent Lorgnette in one Hand and a Smelling-Bottle in
+the Other.
+
+"Now," she would say, feeling Behind to make sure that she was all
+strung up, "Now, to carry Sunshine into the Lowly Places."
+
+[Illustration: THE BROAD GIRL]
+
+As soon as she struck the Plank Walks, and began stalking her prey, the
+small Children would crawl under the Beds, while Mother would dry her
+Arms on the Apron, and murmur, "Glory be!" They knew how to stand off
+the Rent-Man and the Dog-Catcher; but when 235 pounds of Sunshine came
+wafting up the Street, they felt that they were up against a New Game.
+
+The Benevolent Lady would go into a House numbered 1135A with a Marking
+Brush, and after she had sized up the front room through the Lorgnette,
+she would say: "My Good Woman, does your Husband drink?"
+
+"Oh, yes, sir," the grateful Woman would reply. "That is, when he's
+working. He gets a Dollar Ten."
+
+"And what does he do with all his Money?" the Benevolent Lady would
+ask.
+
+"I think he plays the Stock Market," would be the Reply.
+
+Then the Benevolent Lady would say: "When the Unfortunate Man comes Home
+this Evening you tell him that a Kind and Beautiful Lady called and
+asked him please to stop Drinking, except a Glass of Claret at Dinner,
+and to be sure and read Eight or Ten Pages from the _Encyclopædia
+Britannica_ each Night before retiring; also tell him to be sure and
+save his Money. Is that your Child under the Bed?"
+
+"That's little William J."
+
+"How Many have you?"
+
+"Eight or Nine--I forget Which."
+
+"Be sure and dress them in Sanitary Underwear; you can get it for Four
+Dollars a Suit. Will you be good enough to have the Little Boy come from
+under the Bed, and spell 'Ibex' for the Sweet Lady?"
+
+"He's afraid of you."
+
+"Kindly explain to him that I take an Interest in him, even though he is
+the Offspring of an Obscure and Ignorant Workingman, while I am probably
+the Grandest Thing that ever Swept up the Boulevard. I must go now, but
+I will Return. Next time I come I hope to hear that your Husband has
+stopped Drinking and is very Happy. Tell the Small Person under the Bed
+that if he learns to spell 'Ibex' by the time I call again I will let
+him look at my Rings. As for you, bear in mind that it is no Disgrace to
+be Poor; it is simply Inconvenient; that's all."
+
+Having delivered herself of these Helpful Remarks she would Duck, and
+the Uplifted Mother would put a Nickel in the Can and send Lizzie over
+to the Dutchman's.
+
+In this manner the Benevolent Lady carried forward the Good Work, and
+Dazzled the whole Region between O'Hara's Box Factory and the City Dump.
+It didn't Cost anything, and she derived much Joy from the Knowledge
+that Hundreds of People were Rubbering at her, and remarking in Choked
+Whispers: "Say, ain't she the Smooth Article?"
+
+But one day a Scrappy Kid, whose Mother didn't have any Lorgnette or
+Diamond Ear-Bobs, spotted the Benevolent Lady. The Benevolent Lady had
+been in the House telling his Mother that it was a Glorious Privilege to
+wash for a Living.
+
+After the Benevolent Lady went away the Kid's Mother sat down and had a
+Good Cry, and the Scrappy Kid thought it was up to him. He went out to
+the Alley and found a Tomato Can that was not working, and he waited.
+
+In a little while the Benevolent Lady came out of a Basement, in which
+she had been telling a Polish Family to look at her and be Happy. The
+Scrappy Kid let drive, and the Tomato Can struck the Benevolent Lady
+between the Shoulder Blades. She squawked and started to run, fell over
+a Garbage Box, and had to be picked up by a Policeman.
+
+She went Home in a Cab, and told her Husband that the Liquor League had
+tried to Assassinate her, because she was Reforming so many Drunkards.
+That settled it with her--she said she wouldn't try to be Benevolent
+any more--so she joined an Ibsen Club.
+
+The Scrappy Kid grew up to be a Corrupt Alderman, and gave his Mother
+plenty of Good Clothes, which she was always afraid to wear.
+
+MORAL: _In uplifting, get underneath._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ UNINTENTIONAL HEROES _OF_ CENTREVILLE
+
+
+In Centreville there lived two husky Young Fellows named Bill and
+Schuyler--commonly abbreviated to Schuy. They did not find any
+nourishing Excitement in a Grain Elevator, so they Enlisted to Free
+Cuba.
+
+The Government gave each of them a Slouch Hat and a prehistoric Firearm.
+They tied Red Handkerchiefs around their Necks and started for the
+Front, each with his Head out of the Car Window. They gave the Sioux
+Yell to everybody along the Track between Centreville and Tampa.
+
+While in Camp they played Double Pedie, smoked Corn-Cob Pipes, and
+cussed the Rations. They referred to the President of these United
+States as "Mac," and spoke of the beloved Secretary of War as "Old
+Alger."
+
+After more or less Delay they went aboard a Boat, and were landed in
+Cuba, where they began to Shoot at everything that looked Foreign. The
+hot Rain drenched them, and the tropical Sun steamed them; they had Mud
+on their clothes, and had to sleep out. When they were unusually Tired
+and Hungry, they would sing Coon Songs and Roast the War Department.
+
+At last they were ordered Home. On the way back they didn't think of
+Anything except their two Lady Friends, who worked in the Centreville
+Steam Laundry.
+
+[Illustration: SCHUY]
+
+They rode into Town with a Machete under each Arm, and their Pockets
+full of Mauser Cartridges.
+
+The first Thing they saw when they alighted from the Train was a Brass
+Band. It began to play, "See the Conquering Hero Comes."
+
+Then eight Little Girls in White began to strew Flowers in their
+Pathway.
+
+The Artillery company ripped out a Salute.
+
+Cap Gibbs, who won his Title by owning the first Steam Thrashing Machine
+ever seen in the County, confronted them with a Red, White, and Blue
+Sash around him. He Barked in a loud Voice--it was something about Old
+Glory.
+
+Afterward the Daughters of the Revolution took them in Tow, and escorted
+them to Pythian Hall, where they were given Fried Chicken, Veal Loaf,
+Deviled Eggs, Crullers, Preserved Watermelon, Cottage Cheese, Sweet
+Pickles, Grape Jelly, Soda Biscuit, Stuffed Mangoes, Lemonade,
+Hickory-Nut Cake, Cookies, Cinnamon Roll, Lemon Pie, Ham, Macaroons, New
+York Ice Cream, Apple Butter, Charlotte Russe, Peppermint Wafers, and
+Coffee.
+
+While they were Feeding, the Sons of Veterans Quartet stood on the
+Rostrum with their Heads together, and sang:
+
+   "Ten-ting to-night! Ten-ting to-night,
+   Ten-ting on the old-ah Camp-ground!"
+
+At the first opportunity Bill motioned to Schuyler, and led him into the
+Anteroom, where they kept the Regalia, the Kindling Wood, and the Mop.
+
+"Say, Schuy, what the Sam Hill does this mean?" he asked; "are we
+Heroes?"
+
+"That's what Everybody says."
+
+"Do you Believe it?"
+
+"No matter what I Believe; I'm goin' to let 'em have their own Way. I
+may want to Run for Supervisor some Day."
+
+MORAL: _If it is your Play to be a Hero, don't Renig._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ PARENTS _WHO_ TINKERED _WITH THE_ OFFSPRING
+
+
+A married Couple possessed two Boys named Joseph and Clarence. Joseph
+was much the older. His Parents brought him up on a Plan of their Own.
+They would not permit him to play with other Boys for fear that he would
+soil himself; and learn to be Rude and Boisterous.
+
+So they kept Him in the House, and: his Mother read to him about Little
+Rollo, who never lied or cheated, and who grew up to be a Bank
+President, She seemed to think that a Bank President was above
+Reproach.
+
+Little Joseph was kept away from the Public Schools, and had to Play
+Games in the Garret with two Spindly Little Girls. He learned Tatting
+and the Herring-Bone Stitch. When he was Ten Years of age he could play
+Chop-Sticks on the Piano; his Ears were Translucent, and his Front Teeth
+showed like those of a Gray Squirrel.
+
+The other Boys used to make Faces at him over the Back Fence and call
+him "Sis."
+
+In Due Time he went to College, where he proved to be a Lobster. The
+Boys held him under the Pump the first Night. When he walked across the
+Campus, they would whistle, "I don't Want to Play in Your Yard." He
+began to drink Manhattan Cocktails, and he smoked Hemp Cigarettes until
+he was Dotty. One Day he ran away with a Girl who waited on the Table
+at his Boarding House, and his Parents Cast him Off. At Present he has
+charge of the Cloak Room at a Dairy Lunch.
+
+[Illustration: JOSEPH]
+
+Seeing that the Home Training Experiment had been a Failure in the case
+of Joseph, the Parents decided to give Clarence a large Measure of
+Liberty, that he might become Acquainted with the Snares and Temptations
+of the World while he was Young, and thus be Prepared to side-step the
+Pitfalls when he was Older. They sent him to the Public Schools; they
+allowed him to roam at large with other Kids, and stay out at Nights;
+they kept Liquor on the Sideboard.
+
+[Illustration: CLARENCE]
+
+Clarence stood in with the Toughest Push in Town, and thus became
+acquainted with the Snares and Temptations of the World. He learned to
+Chew Tobacco and Spit through his Teeth, shoot Craps and Rush the Can.
+
+When his Father suggested that he enter some Business House, and become
+a Credit to the Family, he growled like a Boston Terrier, and told his
+Father to go Chase Himself.
+
+At present, he is working the Shells with a Circus.
+
+MORAL: _It all depends._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF_ HOW _HE_ NEVER TOUCHED GEORGE
+
+
+A comic Lover named George was sitting on the Front Porch with a good
+Side Hold on your old friend Mabel. They were looking into each other's
+Eyes at Close Range and using a rancid Line of Nursery Talk.
+
+It was the kind of Conversation calculated to Jar a Person.
+
+George murmured that Mabel was George's own Baby-Daby and she Allowed
+that he was a Tooney-Wooney little Bad Boy to hold his Itsy-Bitsy Bun of
+a Mabel so tight she could hardly breave. It was a sort of Dialogue
+that Susan B. Anthony would love to sit up Nights to Read.
+
+While they were Clinched, Mabel's Father, a large, Self-Made Man, came
+down the Stairway and out to the Veranda.
+
+This is where the Fable begins to Differentiate.
+
+Although the Girl's name was Mabel and the Young Man's name was George,
+and the Father was a Self-Made Man, the Father did _not_ Kick the Young
+Man.
+
+He asked him if he had Anything to Smoke.
+
+George gave him an Imported Panetella and said He didn't believe it was
+going to Rain. Mabel's Father said it looked Black in the West, but he
+Reckoned it might blow around, like as not. Mabel said she wouldn't be
+a bit Surprised if it did blow around.
+
+[Illustration: MABEL'S FATHER]
+
+Mabel's Father told Mabel she could show George where the Ice-Box wuz in
+case he Expressed a Hankerin', and then he went down street to examine
+some Fishing Tackle just purchased by a Friend of his in the Hay and
+Feed Business. Just as Father struck the Cement Walk George changed to
+the Strangle Hold.
+
+MORAL: _The Exception proves the Rule._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ PREACHER _WHO_ FLEW _HIS_ KITE, _BUT_ NOT BECAUSE
+_HE_ WISHED _TO_ DO _SO_
+
+
+A certain Preacher became wise to the Fact that he was not making a Hit
+with his Congregation. The Parishioners did not seem inclined to seek
+him out after services and tell him he was a Pansy. He suspected that
+they were Rapping him on the Quiet.
+
+The Preacher knew there must be Something wrong with his Talk. He had
+been trying to Expound in a clear and straightforward Manner, omitting
+Foreign Quotations, setting up for illustration of his Points such
+Historical Characters as were familiar to his Hearers, putting the
+stubby Old English words ahead of the Latin, and rather flying low along
+the Intellectual Plane of the Aggregation that chipped in to pay his
+Salary.
+
+But the Pew-Holders were not tickled. They could Understand everything
+he said, and they began to think he was Common.
+
+So he studied the Situation and decided that if he wanted to Win them
+and make everybody believe he was a Nobby and Boss Minister he would
+have to hand out a little Guff. He fixed it up Good and Plenty.
+
+[Illustration: GUFF]
+
+On the following Sunday Morning he got up in the Lookout and read a Text
+that didn't mean anything, read from either Direction, and then he
+sized up his Flock with a Dreamy Eye and said: "We cannot more
+adequately voice the Poetry and Mysticism of our Text than in those
+familiar Lines of the great Icelandic Poet, Ikon Navrojk:
+
+   "To hold is not to have--
+   Under the seared Firmament,
+   Where Chaos sweeps, and Vast Futurity
+   Sneers at these puny Aspirations--
+   There is the full Reprisal."
+
+When the Preacher concluded this Extract from the Well-Known Icelandic
+Poet he paused and looked downward, breathing heavily through his Nose,
+like Camille in the Third Act.
+
+A Stout Woman in the Front Row put on her Eye-Glasses and leaned forward
+so as not to miss Anything. A Venerable Harness Dealer over at the
+Right nodded his Head solemnly. He seemed to recognize the Quotation.
+Members of the Congregation glanced at one another as if to say: "This
+is certainly Hot Stuff!"
+
+[Illustration: GOOD AND PLENTY]
+
+The Preacher wiped his Brow and said he had no Doubt that every one
+within the Sound of his Voice remembered what Quarolius had said,
+following the same Line of Thought. It was Quarolius who disputed the
+Contention of the great Persian Theologian Ramtazuk, that the Soul in
+its reaching out after the Unknowable was guided by the Spiritual
+Genesis of Motive rather than by mere Impulse of Mentality. The Preacher
+didn't know what all This meant, and he didn't care, but you can rest
+easy that the Pew-Holders were On in a minute. He talked it off in
+just the Way that Cyrano talks when he gets Roxane so Dizzy that she
+nearly falls off the Piazza.
+
+[Illustration: VENERABLE HARNESS DEALER]
+
+The Parishioners bit their Lower Lips and hungered for more First-Class
+Language. They had paid their Money for Tall Talk and were prepared to
+solve any and all Styles of Delivery. They held on to the Cushions and
+seemed to be having a Nice Time.
+
+The Preacher quoted copiously from the Great Poet Amebius. He recited 18
+lines of Greek and then said: "How true this is!" And not a Parishioner
+batted an Eye.
+
+It was Amebius whose Immortal Lines he recited in order to prove the
+Extreme Error of the Position assumed in the Controversy by the Famous
+Italian, Polenta.
+
+He had them Going, and there wasn't a Thing to it. When he would get
+tired of faking Philosophy he would quote from a Celebrated Poet of
+Ecuador or Tasmania or some other Seaport Town. Compared with this
+Verse, all of which was of the same School as the Icelandic Masterpiece,
+the most obscure and clouded Passage in Robert Browning was like a
+Plate-Glass Front in a State Street Candy Store just after the Colored
+Boy gets through using the Chamois.
+
+After that he became Eloquent, and began to get rid of long Boston Words
+that hadn't been used before that Season. He grabbed a rhetorical Roman
+Candle in each Hand and you couldn't see him for the Sparks.
+
+After which he sunk his Voice to a Whisper and talked about the Birds
+and the Flowers. Then, although there was no Cue for him to Weep, he
+shed a few real Tears. And there wasn't a dry Glove in the Church.
+
+After he sat down he could tell by the Scared Look of the People in
+Front that he had made a Ten-Strike.
+
+Did they give him the Joyous Palm that Day? Sure!
+
+The Stout Lady could not control her Feelings when she told how much the
+Sermon had helped her. The venerable Harness Dealer said he wished to
+indorse the Able and Scholarly Criticism of Polenta.
+
+In fact, every one said the Sermon was Superfine and Dandy. The only
+thing that worried the Congregation was the Fear that if it wished to
+retain such a Whale it might have to Boost his Salary.
+
+[Illustration: THE JOYOUS PALM]
+
+In the Meantime the Preacher waited for some one to come and ask about
+Polenta, Amebius, Ramtazuk, Quarolius and the great Icelandic Poet,
+Navrojk. But no one had the Face to step up and confess his Ignorance of
+these Celebrities. The Pew-Holders didn't even admit among themselves
+that the Preacher had rung in some New Ones. They stood Pat, and merely
+said it was an Elegant Sermon.
+
+Perceiving that they would stand for Anything, the Preacher knew what to
+do after that.
+
+MORAL: _Give the People what they Think they want._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF_ HANDSOME JETHRO, _WHO WAS_ SIMPLY CUT OUT _TO_ BE _A_
+MERCHANT
+
+
+An Illinois Squab came home from Business College with a Zebra Collar
+and a pair of Tan Shoes big enough for a Coal Miner. When he alighted
+from the depot one of Ezry Folloson's Dray Horses fell over, stricken
+with the Cramp Colic. The usual Drove of Prominent Citizens who had come
+down to see that the Train got in and out all right backed away from the
+Educated Youth and Chewed their Tobacco in Shame and Abashment. They
+knew that they did not belong on the same Platform with One who had
+been up yender in Chicago for goin' on Twelve weeks finding out how to
+be a Business Man. By Heck!
+
+An elderly Man approached the Youth who had lately got next to the Rules
+of Commerce. The elderly Man was a Yap. He wore a Hickory Shirt, a
+discouraged Straw Hat, a pair of Barn-Door Pants clinging to one lonely
+Gallus and woolen Socks that had settled down over his Plow Shoes. He
+was shy several Teeth and on his Chin was a Tassel shaped like a
+Whisk-Broom. If you had thrown a Pebble into this Clump of Whiskers
+probably you would have scared up a Field Mouse and a couple of Meadow
+Larks.
+
+"Home agin, Jethro, be ye?" asked the Parent.
+
+[Illustration: JETHRO]
+
+"Yeh," replied the Educated Youth. With that he pulled the Corner of a
+Sassy Silk Handkerchief out of his upper Coat Pocket and ignited a
+Cigarette that smelt like Burning Leaves in the Fall.
+
+The Business Man went Home, and the Parent followed at a Respectful
+Distance, now and then remarking to Himself: "Well, I'll jest swan to
+Guinney!"
+
+Brother Lyford came in from the East Eighty to get his Dinner, and there
+was Jethro in the Hammock reading a Great Work by Archibald Clavering
+Gunter.
+
+"Git into some Overhauls an' come an' he'p Me this Afternoon," said
+Lyford.
+
+"Oh, rats! Not on your Tintype! I'm too strong to work," replied
+Jethro, who had learned Oodles of slang up in Chicago, don't you forget
+it.
+
+[Illustration: PAW]
+
+So he wouldn't Stand for the Harvest Field that afternoon. In the
+Evening when Paw ast him to Milk he let out an Awful Beller. Next
+Morning he made a Horrible Beef because he couldn't get Loaf Sugar for
+his Coffee.
+
+Shortly after Breakfast his Paw lured him into the Barn and Lit on him.
+He got a good Holt on the Adam's Apple and choked the Offspring until
+his Tongue stuck out like a Pistil.
+
+"You dosh-burned little Pin-Head o' Misery, you!" exclaimed the Old Man.
+"Goll bing me if I think you're wuth the Powder to blow you up. You peel
+them Duds an' git to Work or else mosey right off o' this Farm."
+
+The Son's Feelings were so outraged by this Brutal Treatment that he
+left the Farm that Day and accepted a position in a Five and Ten-Cent
+Store, selling Kitchen Utensils that were made of Tin-Foil and Wooden
+Ware that had been painted in Water Colors. He felt that he was
+particularly adapted for a Business Career, and, anyway, he didn't
+propose to go out on No Man's Farm and sweat down his Collar.
+
+After Ten Years of Unremitting Application and Studious Frugality the
+Business Man had acquired in Real Estate, Personal Property, Stocks,
+Bonds, Negotiable Paper, and other Collateral, the sum of Nineteen
+Dollars, but he owed a good deal more than that. Brother Lyford had
+continued to be a rude and unlettered Country Jake. He had 240 acres of
+crackin' Corn Land (all tiled), a big red Barn, four Span of good
+Horses, sixteen Head of Cattle, a likely bunch of Shoats and a Covered
+Buggy.
+
+MORAL: _Drink Deep, or Cut Out the Pierian Spring Altogether._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF_ PADUCAH'S FAVORITE COMEDIANS _AND THE_ MILDEWED STUNT
+
+
+Once Upon a Time there was a Specialty Team doing Seventeen Minutes. The
+Props used in the Act included a Hatchet, a Brick, a Seltzer Bottle, two
+inflated Bladders and a Slap-Stick. The Name of the Team was Zoroaster
+and Zendavesta.
+
+These two Troupers began their Professional Career with a Road Circus,
+working on Canvas in the Morning, and then doing a Refined Knockabout in
+the Grand Concert or Afterpiece taking place in the Main Arena
+immediately after the big Show is over.
+
+When each of them could Kick Himself in the Eye and Slattery had pickled
+his Face so that Stebbins could walk on it, they decided that they were
+too good to show under a Round Top, so they became Artists. They wanted
+a Swell Name for the Team, so the Side-Show Announcer, who was something
+of a Kidder and had attended a Unitarian College, gave them Zoroaster
+and Zendavesta. They were Stuck on it, and had a Job Printer do some
+Cards for them.
+
+By utilizing two of Pat Rooney's Songs and stealing a few Gags, they put
+together Seventeen Minutes and began to play Dates and Combinations.
+
+Zoroaster bought a Cane with a Silver Dog's Head on it, and Zendavesta
+had a Watch Charm that pulled the Buttonholes out of his Vest.
+
+[Illustration: ZOROASTER]
+
+After every Show, as soon as they Washed Up, they went and stood in
+front of the Theater, so as to give the Hired Girls a Treat, or else
+they stood around in the Sawdust and told their Fellow-Workers in the
+Realm of Dramatic Art how they killed 'em in Decatur and had 'em
+hollerin' in Lowell, Mass., and got every Hand in the House at St. Paul.
+Occasionally they would put a Card in the Clipper, saying that they were
+the Best in the Business, Bar None, and Good Dressers on and off the
+Stage. Regards to Leonzo Brothers. Charley Diamond please write.
+
+They didn't have to study no New Gags or work up no more Business,
+becuz they had the Best Act on Earth to begin with. Lillian Russell was
+jealous of them and they used to know Francis Wilson when he done a Song
+and Dance.
+
+They had a Scrap Book with a Clipping from a Paducah Paper, which said
+that they were better than Nat Goodwin. When some Critic who had been
+bought up by Rival Artists wrote that Zoroaster and Zendavesta ought to
+be on an Ice Wagon instead of on the Stage, they would get out the Scrap
+Book and read that Paducah Notice and be thankful that all Critics
+wasn't Cheap Knockers and that there was one Paper Guy in the United
+States that reckanized a Neat Turn when he seen it.
+
+But Zoroaster and Zendavesta didn't know that the Dramatic Editor of
+the Paducah Paper went to a Burgoo Picnic the Day the Actors came to
+Town, and didn't get back until Midnight, so he wrote his Notice of the
+Night Owls' performance from a Programme brought to him by the Head
+Usher at the Opera House, who was also Galley Boy at the Office.
+
+Zoroaster and Zendavesta played the same Sketch for Seventeen Years and
+made only two important Changes in all that Time. During the Seventh
+Season Zoroaster changed his Whiskers from Green to Blue. At the
+beginning of the Fourteenth Year of the Act they bought a new Slap-Stick
+and put a Card in the Clipper warning the Public to beware of Imitators.
+
+[Illustration: ZENDAVESTA]
+
+All during the Seventeen Years Zoroaster and Zendavesta continued to
+walk Chesty and tell People how Good they were. They never could
+Understand why the Public stood for Mansfield when it could get
+Zoroaster and Zendavesta. The Property Man gave it as his Opinion that
+Mansfield conned the Critics. Zendavesta said there was only one Critic
+on the Square, and he was at Paducah.
+
+When the Vodeville Craze came along Zoroaster and Zendavesta took their
+Paducah Scrap Book over to a Manager, and he Booked them. Zoroaster
+assured the Manager that Him and his Partner done a Refined Act,
+suitable for Women and Children, with a strong Finish, which had been
+the Talk of all Galveston. The Manager put them in between the Trained
+Ponies and a Legit with a Bad Cold. When a Legit loses his Voice he
+goes into Vodeville.
+
+Zoroaster and Zendavesta came on very Cocky, and for the 7,800th Time
+Zoroaster asked Zendavesta:
+
+"Who wuz it I seen you comin' up the Street with?"
+
+Then, for the 7,800th Time, by way of Mirth-Provoking Rejoinder,
+Zendavesta kicked Zoroaster in the Stomach, after which the Slap-Stick
+was introduced as a Sub-Motive.
+
+The Manager gave a Sign and the Stage Hands Closed in on the Best Team
+in the Business, Bar None.
+
+Of course Zoroaster and Zendavesta were very sore at having their Act
+killed. They said it was no way to treat Artists. The Manager told them
+they were too Tart for words to tell it and to consider Themselves set
+back into the Supper Show. Then They saw through the whole Conspiracy.
+The Manager was Mansfield's Friend and Mansfield was out with his
+Hammer.
+
+At Present they are doing Two Supper Turns to the Piano Player and a Day
+Watchman. They are still the Best in the Business, but are being used
+Dead Wrong. However, they derive some Comfort from reading the Paducah
+Notice.
+
+MORAL: _A Dramatic Editor should never go to a Burgoo Picnic--especially
+in Kentucky._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF_ FLORA _AND_ ADOLPH _AND A_ HOME GONE WRONG
+
+
+One morning a Modern Solomon, who had been chosen to preside as Judge in
+a Divorce Mill, climbed to his Perch and unbuttoned his Vest for the
+Wearisome Grind. He noticed that the first Case looming up on the Docket
+was that of Flora Botts vs. Adolph Botts.
+
+The Applicant, Mrs. Botts, and Adolph, the Other Half of the Domestic
+Sketch, were already inside the Railing, each attempting to look the
+other out of Countenance.
+
+"Break!" ordered the Judge. "Don't act as if you were at Home. Now, what
+has Adolph been doing?"
+
+It seemed that she alleged Cruelty, Neglect, Inhuman Treatment, Violent
+Temper, Threats, etc., etc.
+
+"We have no Chills-and-Fever Music to lend Effect to the Sad Narrative
+you are about to Spring," said the Judge, looking down at the Plaintiff,
+who belonged to the Peroxide Tribe. "Furthermore, we will take it for
+granted that when you first met Defendant your Innocence and Youth made
+it a Walkaway for his Soft Approaches, and that you had every Reason to
+believe that he was a Perfect Gentleman. Having disposed of these
+Preliminaries, let us have the Plot of the Piece."
+
+So she told her Story in a Tremulous, Viola Allen kind of Voice, while
+her Lawyer wept.
+
+[Illustration: MODERN SOLOMON]
+
+He was ready to Weep for anyone who would hand him $8.
+Afterthought--make it $7.50.
+
+It was a Dark Tale of how Botts, the Viperish Defendant, had Sneered at
+her, called her Oh-Such-Names, humiliated her in the presence of
+Callers, and nagged her with Sarcastic Comments until her Tender
+Sensibilities had been worn to a Frazzle.
+
+Then the Defendant went on the Stand and entered a General Denial. He
+had been all that a Rattling Good Husband could be, but she had been a
+regular Rudyard Kipling Vampire. She had continued to make his Life one
+lingering Day-After of Regret. His Record for Patience and
+Long-Suffering had made Job's Performance look like an Amateur's
+Half-Try.
+
+[Illustration: THE VIPER]
+
+"There is more in this Case than appears on the Surface," said the
+Modern Solomon. "In order to fix the Blame we shall have to dig up the
+First Cause. I will ask Chemical Flora to tell us the Story of her Past
+Life."
+
+"My Parents were Poor, but Refined," said Mrs. Botts. "They gave me
+Every Advantage. After I finished the High School I attended a
+Conservatory, and every one said I had Talent. I should have been an
+Elocutionist. Once I went to Rockford and recited "The Tramp's Story" at
+a Club Social, and I got a Lovely Notice. I am especially good at
+Dialect Recitations."
+
+"Humorous?" asked the Court.
+
+"Yes, sir; but I can turn right around and be Pathetic all of a
+sudden, if I want to be."
+
+[Illustration: CHEMICAL FLORA]
+
+"I suppose that Botts, after he had lived with you for awhile, didn't
+have any Hankering Desire to hear you Recite," suggested the Modern
+Solomon.
+
+"That's just it. When I'd offer to get up in Company and speak Something
+he'd ask me please not to Recite, and if I had to make a Show of myself,
+for God's Sake not to tackle anything Humorous, with a Conservatory
+Dialect to it."
+
+"But you wouldn't let him Stop you?"
+
+"Not on your Life."
+
+"I'd believe you, even if you wasn't under Oath. Now, will Mr. Botts
+answer me one Question? Has he any Ambition on the Side?"
+
+"Although I am a Bookkeeper for a Gravel-Roofing Concern, I have always
+believed I could Write," replied Adolph Botts. "About four years ago I
+began to prepare the Book for a Comic Opera. A Friend of mine who works
+in a Hat Store was to Compose the Music. I think he has more Ability
+than Victor Herbert."
+
+"Did this Friend think Well of your Libretto?" asked the Wise Judge.
+
+"Yes, sir; he said it was the Best Thing that had been done since
+'Erminie.' In fact, everybody liked my Book."
+
+"Except your Wife," suggested the Court.
+
+"That's it, exactly. I wanted Sympathy and Encouragement and she gave me
+the Metallic Laugh. There is one Patter Song in my Opera that Every One
+who comes to my House has been Crazy to hear. Whenever I started to Sing
+it she would talk in a loud Voice. She never seemed to Appreciate my
+Stuff. I think the Bleach affected her Head."
+
+"Has the Opera been produced?" asked the Court, with Humane Hesitancy.
+
+"No, the Eastern Managers were all tied up with Harry B. Smith," replied
+Mr. Botts. "Then there's a Prejudice against Western Talent."
+
+"Well, Mr. Botts, in View of all the Evidence, I have decided to give
+you a Decree of Divorce from Flo of the Wheaten Tresses," said the
+Modern Solomon.
+
+"But look here!" exclaimed the Defendant, "I haven't applied for any
+Divorce."
+
+"You don't have to. I give it to you anyway. As for you, Mrs. Botts, I
+will give you a Decree also. The Alimony will be $25 per."
+
+"Thanks."
+
+"I don't think you grasp the Decision. When I say that the Alimony is
+$25 per, I mean that Mrs. Botts will be required to pay that Amount to
+Adolph every week."
+
+"Shameful!"
+
+"Don't be too hasty. I further Decree that Mr. Botts must pay the same
+Amount to Flora every Week."
+
+"That simply makes it a Stand-Off," remarked Mr. Botts, who was puzzled.
+
+"My idea of the Case, neatly expressed," said the Modern Solomon. "Each
+of you is Divorced from the Other, and if Either of you ever Marries
+again, He or She will be jerked before this Tribunal and sentenced to
+Ten Years of Hard Labor in some Penal Institution."
+
+Whereupon the Court took a Noon Recess of 3-1/2 hours.
+
+Moral: _Genius must ever walk Alone._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ COPPER _AND THE_ JOVIAL UNDERGRADS
+
+
+One Night three Well-Bred Young Men, who were entertained at the Best
+Houses wherever they went, started out to Wreck a College town.
+
+They licked two Hackmen, set fire to an Awning, pulled down many Signs,
+and sent a Brick through the Front Window of a Tailor Shop. All the
+Residents of the Town went into their Houses and locked the Doors;
+Terror brooded over the Community.
+
+A Copper heard the Racket, and saw Women and Children fleeing to Places
+of Safety, so he gripped his Club and ran Ponderously, overtaking the
+three Well-Bred Young Men in a dark part of the Street, where they were
+Engaged in tearing down a Fence.
+
+He could not see them Distinctly, and he made the Mistake of assuming
+that they were Drunken Ruffians from the Iron Foundry. So he spoke
+harshly, and told them to Leave Off breaking the Man's Fence. His Tone
+and Manner irritated the University Men, who were not accustomed to
+Rudeness from Menials.
+
+One Student, who wore a Sweater, and whose people butt into the Society
+Column with Sickening Regularity, started to Tackle Low; he had Bushy
+Hair and a Thick Neck, and his strong Specialty was to swing on
+Policemen and Cabbies.
+
+[Illustration: STUDENT]
+
+At this, his Companion, whose Great Grandmother had been one of the
+eight thousand Close Relatives of John Randolph, asked him not to Kill
+the Policeman. He said the Fellow had made a Mistake, that was all; they
+were not Muckers; they were Nice Boys, intent on preserving the
+Traditions of dear old _Alma Mater_.
+
+The Copper could hardly Believe it until they led him to a Street Lamp,
+and showed him their Engraved Cards and Junior Society Badges; then he
+Realized that they were All Right. The third Well-Bred Young Man, whose
+Male Parent got his Coin by wrecking a Building Association in Chicago,
+then announced that they were Gentlemen, and could Pay for everything
+they broke. Thus it will be seen that they were Rollicking College Boys
+and not Common Rowdies.
+
+The Copper, perceiving that he had come very near getting Gay with our
+First Families, Apologized for Cutting In. The Well-Bred Young Men
+forgave him, and then took his Club away from him, just to Demonstrate
+that there were no Hard Feelings. On the way back to the Seat of
+Learning they captured a Night Watchman, and put him down a Man-Hole.
+
+MORAL: _Always select the Right Sort of Parents before you start in to
+be Rough._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ PROFESSOR _WHO_ WANTED _TO BE_ ALONE
+
+
+Now it happens that in America a man who goes up hanging to a Balloon is
+a Professor.
+
+One day a Professor, preparing to make a Grand Ascension, was sorely
+pestered by Spectators of the Yellow-Hammer Variety, who fell over the
+Stay-Ropes or crowded up close to the Balloon to ask Fool Questions.
+They wanted to know how fur up he Calkilated to go and was he Afeerd and
+how often had he did it. The Professor answered them in the Surly Manner
+peculiar to Showmen accustomed to meet a WebFoot Population. On the
+Q.T. the Prof. had Troubles of his own. He was expected to drop in at a
+Bank on the following Day and take up a Note for 100 Plunks. The
+Ascension meant 50 to him, but how to Corral the other 50? That was the
+Hard One.
+
+This question was in his Mind as he took hold of the Trapeze Bar and
+signaled the Farm Hands to let go. As he trailed Skyward beneath the
+buoyant silken Bag he hung by his Knees and waved a glad Adieu to the
+Mob of Inquisitive Yeomen. A Sense of Relief came to him as he saw the
+Crowd sink away in the Distance.
+
+Hanging by one Toe, and with his right Palm pressed to his Eyes, he
+said: "Now that I am Alone, let me Think, let me Think."
+
+[Illustration: THE PROFESSOR]
+
+There in the Vast Silence He Thought.
+
+Presently he gave a sigh of Relief.
+
+"I will go to my Wife's Brother and make a Quick Touch," he said. "If he
+refuses to Unbelt I will threaten to tell his Wife of the bracelet he
+bought in Louisville."
+
+Having reached this Happy Conclusion, he loosened the Parachute and
+quickly descended to the Earth.
+
+MORAL: _Avoid Crowds._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF A_ STATESMAN _WHO_ COULDN'T MAKE GOOD
+
+
+Once there was a Bluff whose Long Suit was Glittering Generalities.
+
+He hated to Work and it hurt his Eyes to read Law, but on a Clear Day he
+could be heard a Mile, so he became a Statesman.
+
+Whenever the Foresters had a Picnic they invited him to make the
+Principal Address, because he was the only Orator who could beat out the
+Merry-Go-Round.
+
+The Habit of Dignity enveloped him.
+
+Upon his Brow Deliberation sat. He wore a Fireman's moustache and a
+White Lawn Tie, and he loved to Talk about the Flag.
+
+At a Clam-Bake in 1884 he hurled Defiance at all the Princes and
+Potentates of Europe, and the Sovereign Voters, caught up by his
+Matchless Eloquence and Unswerving Courage, elected him to the
+Legislature.
+
+While he was in the Legislature he discovered that these United States
+were an Asylum for the Down-Trodden and oppressed of the Whole World,
+and frequently called Attention to the Fact. When some one asked him if
+he was cutting up any Easy Money or would it be safe for a Man with a
+Watch to go to Sleep in the same Room with him, he would take a Drink of
+Water and begin to plead for Cuba.
+
+[Illustration: STATESMAN]
+
+Once an Investigating Committee got after him and he was about to be
+Shown Up for Dallying with Corporations, but he put on a fresh White Tie
+and made a Speech about our Heroic Dead on a Hundred Battle-Fields, and
+Most People said it was simply Impossible for such a Thunderous Patriot
+to be a Crook. So he played the Glittering Generality stronger than
+ever.
+
+In Due Time he Married a Widow of the Bantam Division. The Reason she
+married him was that he looked to her to be a Coming Congressman and she
+wanted to get a Whack at Washington Society. Besides, she lived in a
+Flat and the Janitor would not permit her to keep a Dog.
+
+About Ten Days after they were Married he came Home at 4 A.M. in a
+Sea-Going Hack and he was Saturated. Next Morning she had him up on the
+Carpet and wanted to know How About It.
+
+[Illustration: THE BANTAM]
+
+He arose and put his Right Hand inside of his Prince Albert Coat and
+began.
+
+"Madam," he said, "During a Long, and, I trust, a not altogether
+fruitless Career as a Servant of the Peepul, I have always stood in the
+Fierce Light of Publicity, and my Record is an Open Book which he who
+runs may----"
+
+"Nix! Nix!" she said, rapping for order with a Tea-Cup. "Let go of the
+Flying Rings. Get back to the Green Earth!"
+
+He dilated his Nostrils and said: "From the Rock-Bound Hills of Maine in
+the North to the Everglades of Florida----"
+
+"Forget the Everglades," she said, rapping again. "That Superheated
+Atmosphere may have a certain Tonic Effect on the Hydrocephalous Voter,
+but if you want to adjust yourself with Wifey, you come down to Cases."
+
+So he went out after Breakfast and bought a $22 Hat in order to Square
+himself.
+
+MORAL: _Some Women should be given the Right to Vote._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ BRASH DRUMMER _AND THE_ PEACH _WHO_ LEARNED _THAT_
+THERE WERE OTHERS
+
+
+A well-fixed Mortgage Shark, residing at a Way Station, had a Daughter
+whose Experience was not as large as her prospective Bank Roll. She had
+all the component Parts of a Peach, but she didn't know how to make a
+Showing, and there was nobody in Town qualified to give her a quiet
+Hunch.
+
+She got her Fashion Hints from a Trade Catalogue, and took her Tips on
+Etiquette and Behavior from the Questions and Answers Department of an
+Agricultural Monthly.
+
+The Girl and her Father lived in a big White House, with Evergreen Trees
+and whitewashed Dornicks in front of it, and a Wind-Pump at the rear.
+Father was a good deal the same kind of a Man as David Harum, except
+that he didn't let go of any Christmas Presents, or work the Soft Pedal
+when he had a chance to apply a Crimp to some Widow who had seen Better
+Days. In fact, Daughter was the only one on Earth who could induce him
+to Loosen Up.
+
+Now, it happened that there came to this Town every Thirty Days a brash
+Drummer, who represented a Tobacco House. He was a Gabby Young Man, and
+he could Articulate at all Times, whether he had anything to Say or
+not.
+
+[Illustration: DAUGHTER]
+
+One night, at a Lawn Fête given by the Ladies of the Methodist
+Congregation, he met Daughter. She noticed that his Trousers did not bag
+at the Knees; also that he wore a superb Ring. They strolled under the
+Maples, and he talked what is technically known as Hot Air. He made an
+Impression considerably deeper than himself. She promised to Correspond.
+
+On the occasion of his next Visit to the Way Station, he let her wear
+his Ring, and made a Wish, while she took him riding in the Phaeton. He
+began to carry her Photograph in his Watch, and show it to the Boys
+employed at the House. Sometimes he would fold over one of her Letters
+so they could see how it started out. He said the Old Man had Nothing
+But, and he proposed to make it a case of Marry. Truly, it seemed that
+he was the principal Cake in the Pantry, and little did he suspect that
+he could be Frosted.
+
+[Illustration: IN THE EAST]
+
+But Daughter, after much Pleading, induced Father to send her to a
+Finishing School in the East. (A Finishing School is a Place at which
+Young Ladies are taught how to give the Quick Finish to all Persons who
+won't do.)
+
+At School, the Daughter tied up with a Chum, who seldom overlooked a
+Wednesday Matinee, and she learned more in three Weeks than her
+Childhood Home could have shown her in three Centuries.
+
+Now she began to see the other Kind; the Kind that Wears a Cutaway, with
+a White Flower, in the Morning, a Frock, with Violets, in the
+Afternoon, and a jimmy little Tuxedo at Night.
+
+[Illustration: A STRANGE MAN]
+
+For the first time she began to listen to Harness that had Chains to it,
+and she rode in Vehicles that permitted her to glance in at the Second
+Stories.
+
+She stopped wearing Hats, and began to choose Confections. She selected
+them Languidly, three at a time.
+
+Then the Bill to the Way Station, and Father down with Heart Failure.
+
+She kept Mr. Sothern's Picture on her Dresser, with two Red Candles
+burning in front of it, and every time she thought of Gabby Will, the
+Crackerjack Salesman, she reached for the Peau d'Espagne and sprayed
+herself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One Day when the Tobacco Salesman came up Main Street with his Grips,
+on his way to visit the Trade, he met the Drug Clerk, who told him that
+She was Home on a Visit. So he hurried through with his Work, got a
+Shave, changed ends on his Cuffs, pared his Nails, bought a box of
+Marshmallows, and went out to the House.
+
+Daughter was on the Lawn, seated under a Canopy that had set Father back
+thirty-two Dollars. There was a Hired Hand sprinkling the Grass with a
+Hose, and as Will, the Conversational Drummer, came up the Long Walk,
+Daughter called to the Hired Hand, and said: "Johnson, there is a
+Strange Man coming up the Walk; change the Direction of the Stream
+somewhat, else you may Dampen him."
+
+The Drummer approached her, feeling of his Necktie, and wondered if she
+would up and Kiss him, right in broad Daylight. She didn't. Daughter
+allowed a rose-colored Booklet, by Guy de Maupassant, to sink among the
+Folds of her French Gown, and then she Looked at him, and said: "All
+Goods must be delivered at the Rear."
+
+"Don't you Know me?" he asked.
+
+"Rully, it seems to me I have seen you, Somewhere," she replied, "but I
+cahn't place you. Are you the Man who tunes the Piano?"
+
+"Don't you remember the night I met you at the Lawn Fête?" he asked; and
+then, Chump that he was, and all Rattled, he told her his Name, instead
+of giving her the scorching Come-Back that he composed next Day, when it
+was Too Late.
+
+"I meet so many People traveling about," she said; "I cahn't remember
+all of them, you know. I dare say you called to see Pu-pah; he will be
+here Presently."
+
+Then she gave him "Some one's else," "Neyether," "Savoir-Faire," and a
+few other Crisp Ones, hot from the Finishing School, after which she
+asked him how the Dear Villagers were coming on. He reminded her that he
+did not live in the Town. She said: "Only Fahncy!" and he said he
+guessed he'd have to be Going, as he had promised a Man to meet him at
+Jordan's Store before the Bank closed.
+
+As he moved toward the St. Nicholas Hotel he kept his Hand on his Solar
+Plexus. At five o'clock he rode out of Town on a Local.
+
+MORAL: _Anybody can Win unless there happens to be a Second Entry._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF_ SISTER MAE, _WHO_ DID _AS_ WELL _AS_ COULD BE EXPECTED
+
+
+Two Sisters lived in Chicago, the Home of Opportunity.
+
+Luella was a Good Girl, who had taken Prizes at the Mission Sunday
+School, but she was Plain, much. Her Features did not seem to know the
+value of Team Work. Her Clothes fit her Intermittently, as it were. She
+was what would be called a Lumpy Dresser. But she had a good Heart.
+
+Luella found Employment at a Hat Factory. All she had to do was to put
+Red Linings in Hats for the Country Trade; and every Saturday Evening,
+when Work was called on account of Darkness, the Boss met her as she
+went out and crowded three Dollars on her.
+
+The other Sister was Different.
+
+She began as Mary, then changed to Marie, and her Finish was Mae.
+
+From earliest Youth she had lacked Industry and Application.
+
+She was short on Intellect but long on Shape.
+
+The Vain Pleasures of the World attracted her. By skipping the Long
+Words she could read how Rupert Bansiford led Sibyl Gray into the
+Conservatory and made Love that scorched the Begonias. Sometimes she
+just Ached to light out with an Opera Company.
+
+When she couldn't stand up Luella for any more Car Fare she went out
+looking for Work, and hoping she wouldn't find it. The sagacious
+Proprietor of a Lunch Room employed her as Cashier. In a little While
+she learned to count Money, and could hold down the Job.
+
+[Illustration: THE BOSS]
+
+Marie was a Strong Card. The Male Patrons of the Establishment hovered
+around the Desk long after paying their Checks. Within a Month the
+Receipts of the Place had doubled.
+
+It was often remarked that Marie was a Pippin. Her Date Book had to be
+kept on the Double Entry System.
+
+Although her Grammar was Sad, it made no Odds. Her Picture was on many a
+Button.
+
+A Credit Man from the Wholesale House across the Street told her that
+any time she wanted to see the Telegraph Poles rush past, she could
+tear Transportation out of his Book. But Marie turned him down for a
+Bucket Shop Man, who was not Handsome, but was awful Generous.
+
+[Illustration: MAE]
+
+They were Married, and went to live in a Flat with a Quarter-Sawed Oak
+Chiffonier and Pink Rugs. She was Mae at this Stage of the Game.
+
+Shortly after this, Wheat jumped twenty-two points, and the Husband
+didn't do a Thing.
+
+Mae bought a Thumb Ring and a Pug Dog, and began to speak of the Swede
+Help as "The Maid."
+
+Then she decided that she wanted to live in a House, because, in a Flat,
+One could never be sure of One's Neighbors. So they moved into a
+Sarcophagus on the Boulevard, right in between two Old Families, who
+had made their Money soon after the Fire, and Ice began to form on the
+hottest Days.
+
+Mae bought an Automobile, and blew her Allowance against Beauty Doctors.
+The Smell of Cooking made her Faint, and she couldn't see where the
+Working Classes came in at all.
+
+When she attended the theater a Box was none too good. Husband went
+along, in evening clothes and a Yachting Cap, and he had two large
+Diamonds in his Shirt Front.
+
+Sometimes she went to a Vogner Concert, and sat through it, and she
+wouldn't Admit any more that the Russell Brothers, as the Irish
+Chambermaids, hit her just about Right.
+
+She was determined to break into Society if she had to use an Ax.
+
+At last she Got There; but it cost her many a Reed Bird and several
+Gross of Cold Quarts.
+
+In the Hey-Day of Prosperity did Mae forget Luella? No, indeed.
+
+She took Luella away from the Hat Factory, where the Pay was three
+Dollars a Week, and gave her a Position as Assistant Cook at five
+Dollars.
+
+MORAL: _Industry and Perseverance bring a sure Reward._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF_ HOW _THE_ FOOL-KILLER BACKED OUT _OF A_ CONTRACT
+
+
+The Fool-Killer came along the Pike Road one Day and stopped to look at
+a Strange Sight.
+
+Inside of a Barricade were several Thousands of Men, Women and Children.
+They were moving restlessly among the trampled Weeds, which were clotted
+with Watermelon Rinds, Chicken Bones, Straw and torn Paper Bags.
+
+It was a very hot Day. The People could not sit down. They shuffled
+Wearily and were pop-eyed with Lassitude and Discouragement.
+
+A stifling Dust enveloped them. They Gasped and Sniffled. Some tried to
+alleviate their Sufferings by gulping down a Pink Beverage made of
+Drug-Store Acid, which fed the Fires of Thirst.
+
+Thus they wove and interwove in the smoky Oven. The Whimper or the
+faltering Wail of Children, the quavering Sigh of overlaced Women, and
+the long-drawn Profanity of Men--these were what the Fool-Killer heard
+as he looked upon the Suffering Throng.
+
+"Is this a new Wrinkle on Dante's Inferno?" he asked of the Man on the
+Gate, who wore a green Badge marked "Marshal," and was taking Tickets.
+
+"No, sir; this is a County Fair," was the reply.
+
+[Illustration: THE FOOL-KILLER]
+
+"Why do the People congregate in the Weeds and allow the Sun to warp
+them?"
+
+"Because Everybody does it."
+
+"Do they Pay to get in?"
+
+"You know it."
+
+"Can they Escape?"
+
+"They can, but they prefer to Stick."
+
+The Fool-Killer hefted his Club and then looked at the Crowd and shook
+his Head doubtfully.
+
+"I can't tackle that Outfit to-day," he said. "It's too big a Job."
+
+So he went on into Town, and singled out a Main Street Merchant who
+refused to Advertise.
+
+MORAL: _People who expect to be Luny will find it safer to travel in a
+Bunch._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ CADDY _WHO_ HURT HIS HEAD WHILE THINKING
+
+
+One Day a Caddy sat in the Long Grass near the Ninth Hole and wondered
+if he had a Soul. His Number was 27, and he almost had forgotten his
+Real Name.
+
+As he sat and Meditated, two Players passed him. They were going the
+Long Round, and the Frenzy was upon them.
+
+They followed the Gutta Percha Balls with the intent swiftness of
+trained Bird Dogs, and each talked feverishly of Brassy Lies, and
+getting past the Bunker, and Lofting to the Green, and Slicing into the
+Bramble--each telling his own Game to the Ambient Air, and ignoring what
+the other Fellow had to say.
+
+As they did the St. Andrews Full Swing for eighty Yards apiece and then
+Followed Through with the usual Explanations of how it Happened, the
+Caddy looked at them and Reflected that they were much inferior to his
+Father.
+
+His Father was too Serious a Man to get out in Mardi Gras Clothes and
+hammer a Ball from one Red Flag to another.
+
+His Father worked in a Lumber Yard.
+
+He was an Earnest Citizen, who seldom Smiled, and he knew all about the
+Silver Question and how J. Pierpont Morgan done up a Free People on the
+Bond Issue.
+
+[Illustration: MEDITATIVE CADDY]
+
+The Caddy wondered why it was that his Father, a really Great Man, had
+to shove Lumber all day and could seldom get one Dollar to rub against
+another, while these superficial Johnnies who played Golf all the Time
+had Money to Throw at the Birds. The more he Thought the more his Head
+ached.
+
+MORAL: _Don't try to Account for Anything._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ MARTYR _WHO_ LIKED _THE_ JOB
+
+
+Once in a Country Town there was a Man with a Weak Back.
+
+He could put a Grindstone into a Farm Wagon if any one wanted to bet him
+the Segars, but every time he lifted an Ax, something caught him right
+in the Spine and he had to go into the House and lie down. So his Wife
+took Boarders and did the Cooking herself.
+
+He was willing to divide the Labor, however; so he did the Marketing.
+Only, when he had bought the Victuals, he would squat on a Shoe-Box with
+the Basket between his Legs and say that he couldn't see what Congress
+wuz thinkin' of.
+
+He had certain Theories in regard to the Alaskan Boundary and he was
+against any Anglo-American Alliance becuz Uncle Sam could take care of
+himself at any Turn in the Road, comin' right down to it, and the
+American People wuz superior to any other Naytionality in every Way,
+Shape, Manner and Form, as fur as that's concerned. Then his Wife would
+have to send Word for him to come on with the Groceries so she could get
+Dinner.
+
+Nearly Everybody Sympathized with her, because she had to put up with
+such a big Hulk of a no-account Husband. She was looked upon as a
+Martyr.
+
+[Illustration: A MARTYR]
+
+One Day the Husband was Sunstruck, being too Lazy to move into the
+Shade, and next Day he Passed Away without an Effort. The Widow gave him
+the best Funeral of the Year and then put all the Money she could rake
+and scrape into a Marble Shaft marked "At Rest."
+
+A good many People said she was Better Off without him, and it was
+certainly a Good Riddance of Bad Rubbish.
+
+They hoped that if she ever Married again she'd pick out Somebody that
+wuzn't afraid to Work, and had Gumption enough to pound Sand into a
+Rat-Hole.
+
+There was General Satisfaction when she became the Wife of Mr. Gladden,
+who owned the General Store. He built a new House, hired a Girl and had
+the Washing sent out. She could go into the Store and pick out Anything
+she wanted, and he took her riding in his new Runabout every Evening.
+
+Consequently, she was very Miserable, thinking of the Jewel she had
+lost.
+
+MORAL: _If the Woman thinks he's All Right, you keep on your own Side of
+the Fence._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ BOHEMIAN _WHO_ HAD HARD LUCK
+
+
+Once upon a Time there was a Brilliant but Unappreciated Chap who was
+such a Thorough Bohemian that Strangers usually mistook him for a Tramp.
+
+Would he brush his Clothes? Not he. When he wore a Collar he was Ashamed
+of himself. He had Pipe-Ashes on his Coat and Vest. He seldom Combed his
+Hair, and never Shaved.
+
+Every Evening he ate an Imitation Dinner, at a forty-cent Table d'Hôte,
+with a Bottle of Writing Fluid thrown in. He had formed a little Salon
+of Geniuses, who also were out of Work, and they loved to Loll around
+on their Shoulder-Blades and Laugh Bitterly at the World.
+
+The main Bohemian was an Author. After being Turned Down by numerous
+Publishers, he had decided to write for Posterity. Posterity hadn't
+heard anything about it, and couldn't get out an Injunction.
+
+He knew his Works were good, because all the Free and Untrammeled Souls
+in the Spaghetti Joint told him so. He would read them a Little Thing of
+his Own about Wandering in the Fields with Lesbia, and then he would
+turn to a Friend, whose Face was all covered with Human Ivy, and ask
+him, point blank: "Is it, or is it not, Better than the Dooley Stuff?"
+
+[Illustration: THOROUGH BOHEMIAN]
+
+"There is no Comparison," would be the Reply, coming through the
+Foliage.
+
+Wandering in the Fields with Lesbia! Lesbia would have done Well. If he
+had Wandered in the Fields at any Time he would have been Pinched on
+Suspicion that he was out for Turnips.
+
+The sure-enough Bohemian was a Scathing Critic. If Brander Matthews only
+knew some of the Things said about him, there would be Tear Marks on his
+Pillow. And Howells, too. Bah! My, but he was Caustic.
+
+The way he burned up Magazine Writers, it's a Wonder they didn't get
+after him for Arson.
+
+One day, while standing on the Front Stoop at his Boarding House, trying
+to think of some one who would submit to a Touch, a Flower Pot fell from
+a Window Ledge above him, and hit him on the Head. He was put into an
+Ambulance and taken to a Hospital, where the Surgeons clipped his Hair
+short, in order to take Three Stitches. While he was still Unconscious,
+and therefore unable to Resist, they Scrubbed him with Castile Soap,
+gave him a good Shave, and put him into a snowy-white Gown.
+
+His Friends heard of the Accident, and went to the Hospital to offer
+Condolence. When they found him he was so Clean and Commonplace that
+they lost all Respect for him.
+
+MORAL: _Get a good Make-Up and the Part plays itself._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ COMING CHAMPION _WHO WAS_ DELAYED
+
+
+In a certain Athletic Club which rented two rooms over a Tin-Shop there
+was one Boy who could put it All Over the other Members.
+
+He knew how to Jab and Counter and Upper-Cut and Bore in with the Left
+and Play for the Wind. He had Lumps on his Arms and a good Pair of
+Shoulders, and every one in the Club told him he had the makings of a
+World-Beater. He used to coax Grocery Clerks and Grammar-School Children
+to put on the Gloves with him, and then he would go around them, like a
+Cooper around a Barrel, and Trim them right and proper.
+
+His friends would stand and watch him make Monkeys of these anæmic
+Amateurs, and gradually the Conviction grew within them that he could
+Lick anybody of his Weight. The Boy believed them when they told him he
+ought to go after the Top-Notchers.
+
+He gave up his Job in the Planing Mill and became a Pugilist. The
+Proprietor of a Cigar Store acted as his Manager, and began to pay his
+Board. This Manager was Foxy. He told the Boy that before tackling the
+Championship Class it would be better to go out and beat a lot of
+Fourth-Raters, thereby building up a Reputation and at the same time
+getting here and there a Mess of the Long Green.
+
+[Illustrations: MANAGER]
+
+In the same Town there was an Undertaker who had Sporting Blood in his
+Veins, and he sought out the Manager and made a Match in behalf of an
+Unknown.
+
+The boy went into Training in a Stable. He had a yellow Punching Bag, a
+Sponge, a Bath-Robe and several Towels. Two Paper-Hangers who were out
+of Work acted as his Trainers. They rubbed him with Witch Hazel all day,
+and in the Evening the Boy stood around in a Sweater and Talked out of
+the corner of his Mouth. He said he was Trained to the Minute, as Hard
+as Nails and Fit as a Fiddle, and he would make Mr. Unknown jump out of
+the Ring.
+
+As the Day of the Battle approached it came out that the Unknown was a
+Scrapper who had been fairly Successful at one Time, but had ceased to
+be a Live One several Years before. He was imported especially for this
+Contest with the Coming Champion.
+
+[Illustration: THE COMING CHAMPION]
+
+When he arrived in Town it was evident that he lacked Condition. He had
+been dieting himself on Pie and Beer, and any Expert, such as the Cigar
+Store Man, could tell by looking at him that his Abdomen was not hard
+enough to withstand those crushing Body Blows such as the Boy was in the
+Habit of Landing--on the Punching Bag. Accordingly the Word went around
+that the imported Pug was too Fat and had bad Wind.
+
+It began to resemble a Cinch.
+
+The Manager went out and bet more Money, and the Coming Champion was
+Nervous for fear that he would kill the Has-Been if he connected too
+strong on the Point of the Jaw. He thought it would be better to wear
+him down with Short-Arm blows and make him Quit. He had read that it was
+Dangerous to punish a Physical Wreck, who might have Heart Trouble or
+something like that. The Boy was a Professional Pugilist, but he had
+Humane Instincts.
+
+When the Boy came to the Train which was to carry the Participants and
+the Spectators to the Battle-Field he was attended by four Comrades, who
+had Ice, Beef Tea, Brandy, Alcohol, Blankets and other Paraphernalia.
+They made a Couch for him in the Baggage Car, and had him lie down, so
+that he might conserve all his Strength and step into the Ring as fresh
+as possible. The so-called Unknown had no one to Handle him. He sat
+Alone in the Men's Car, with a queer Telescope Valise on his Knees, and
+he smoked a Cigarette, which was in direct Violation of all the Rules of
+Training.
+
+At last the Company arrived at the Secluded Spot, and a Ring was staked
+out.
+
+The Coming Champion was received with Loud Cheers. He wore a new Pair of
+Gymnasium Shoes, spotless Trunks, and around his Waist was an American
+Flag, presented by his Admirers in the Athletic Club.
+
+In a few Moments the Imported Scrapper came into the Ring, attended by
+the Sporty Undertaker. He wore an old Pair of Bike Shoes and faded Work
+Trousers, chopped off at the Knees, while his Belt was a Shawl-Strap.
+He was chewing Gum.
+
+[Illustration: AND SEE!]
+
+After he put on the Gloves he looked over at the Coming Champion and
+remarked to the Undertaker that he (the Coming Champion) seemed to be a
+Nice Young Fellow. After which he Yawned slightly, and wanted to know
+what Time they would get a Train back to Town.
+
+The Bell rang, and there in the Center of the Ring stood the Tottering
+Has-Been and the Coming Champion.
+
+The Has-Been was crouched, with his Head drawn in, turtle-fashion, his
+Legs spraddled, and oh, the hard, vicious Expression on that Face, as he
+Fiddled Short and looked intently at the Coming Champion's Feet. This
+was a very confusing and unprofessional Thing to do, as the Boy had not
+been accustomed to boxing with People who looked at his Feet. He
+wondered if there was anything the matter with his Gymnasium Shoes.
+
+In a Moment or two he saw that the Physical Wreck was afraid to Lead, so
+he did some nimble Foot Work, and his Gloves began to describe
+Parabolas--then all at once somebody turned off the Sunshine.
+
+They threw Cold Water on him, held a Bottle of Ammonia to his Nose and
+stuck Pins in under his Finger-Nails.
+
+At last his Eye-Lids fluttered, and he turned a dim and filmy Gaze on
+his faithful Seconds gathered about him.
+
+"Oh, how the Birds sing!" he murmured. "And see! The Aurora Borealis is
+trying to climb over Pain's Fire-Works."
+
+"Cheer up!" said the Manager. "He took a Mean Advantage of you and Hit
+you when you wasn't Looking."
+
+"Ah, yes, it all comes back to me. Did I win?"
+
+"Not quite," replied the Manager, who feared to tell him the whole
+Truth.
+
+"You say he Hit me?" asked the Coming Champion.
+
+"Yes."
+
+"With a Casting?"
+
+"We couldn't tell. He was in such a Hurry."
+
+All this Time the Victor was sitting on the Station Platform with the
+Undertaker. He was Remarking that it seemed to be a very Purty Country
+thereabouts, and he'd often wished he could close in on enough of the
+Gilt to buy him a nice piece of Land somewhere, inasmuch as he regarded
+a Farmer as the most independent Man on Earth.
+
+Next week there was a familiar Name back on the Time-Card at the Planing
+Mill.
+
+MORAL: _In all the Learned Professions, Many are Called but Few are
+Chosen._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ LAWYER _WHO_ BROUGHT IN _A_ MINORITY REPORT
+
+
+At a Bazaar, the purpose of which was to Hold Up the Public for the
+Benefit of a Worthy Cause, there were many Schemes to induce Visitors to
+let go of their Assets. One of the most likely Grafts perpetrated by the
+astute Management was a Voting Contest to Determine who was the Most
+Beautiful and Popular Young Lady in the City. It cost Ten Cents to cast
+one Vote. The Winner of the Contest was to receive a beautiful Vase,
+with Roses on it.
+
+A prominent Young Lawyer, who was Eloquent, Good Looking, and a Leader
+in Society, had been selected to make the Presentation Speech after the
+Votes had been counted.
+
+In a little while the Contest had narrowed down until it was Evident
+that either the Brewer's Daughter or the Contractor's Daughter was the
+Most Beautiful and Popular Young Lady in the City. The Brewer and his
+Friends pushed Ten Dollar Bills into the Ballot Box, while the
+Contractor, just before the Polls closed, slipped in a Check for One
+Hundred Dollars.
+
+When the Votes were counted, the Management of the Bazaar was pleased to
+learn that the Sixty-Cent Vase had Netted over Seven Hundred Dollars. It
+was Announced that the Contractor's Daughter was exactly Nine Dollars
+and Twenty Cents more Beautiful and Popular than the Brewer's Daughter.
+
+[Illustration: THE MINORITY REPORT]
+
+Thereupon the Committee requested that the Eloquent Young Lawyer step to
+the Rostrum and make the Presentation Speech. There was no Response; the
+Young Lawyer had Disappeared.
+
+One of the Members of the Committee started on a Search for him, and
+found him in a dusky Corner of the Japanese Tea Garden, under the Paper
+Lanterns, making a Proposal of Marriage to a Poor Girl who had not
+received one Vote.
+
+MORAL: _Never believe a Relative._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE TWO_ MANDOLIN PLAYERS _AND THE_ WILLING PERFORMER
+
+
+A very attractive Debutante knew two Young Men who called on her every
+Thursday Evening, and brought their Mandolins along.
+
+They were Conventional Young Men, of the Kind that you see wearing
+Spring Overcoats in the Clothing Advertisements. One was named Fred, and
+the other was Eustace.
+
+The Mothers of the Neighborhood often remarked, "What Perfect Manners
+Fred and Eustace have!" Merely as an aside it may be added that Fred
+and Eustace were more Popular with the Mothers than they were with the
+Younger Set, although no one could say a Word against either of them.
+Only it was rumored in Keen Society that they didn't Belong. The Fact
+that they went Calling in a Crowd, and took their Mandolins along, may
+give the Acute Reader some Idea of the Life that Fred and Eustace held
+out to the Young Women of their Acquaintance.
+
+The Debutante's name was Myrtle. Her Parents were very Watchful, and did
+not encourage her to receive Callers, except such as were known to be
+Exemplary Young Men. Fred and Eustace were a few of those who escaped
+the Black List. Myrtle always appeared to be glad to see them, and they
+regarded her as a Darned Swell Girl.
+
+[Illustration: MYRTLE]
+
+Fred's Cousin came from St. Paul on a Visit; and one Day, in the Street,
+he saw Myrtle, and noticed that Fred tipped his Hat, and gave her a
+Stage Smile.
+
+"Oh, Queen of Sheba!" exclaimed the Cousin from St. Paul, whose name was
+Gus, as he stood stock still, and watched Myrtle's Reversible Plaid
+disappear around a Corner. "She's a Bird, Do you know her well?"
+
+"I know her Quite Well," replied Fred, coldly. "She is a Charming Girl."
+
+"She is all of that. You're a great Describer. And now what Night are
+you going to take me around to Call on her?"
+
+Fred very naturally Hemmed and Hawed. It must be remembered that Myrtle
+was a member of an Excellent Family, and had been schooled in the
+Proprieties, and it was not to be supposed that she would crave the
+Society of slangy old Gus, who had an abounding Nerve, and furthermore
+was as Fresh as the Mountain Air.
+
+He was the Kind of Fellow who would see a Girl twice, and then, upon
+meeting her the Third Time, he would go up and straighten her Cravat for
+her, and call her by her First Name.
+
+Put him into a Strange Company--en route to a Picnic--and by the time
+the Baskets were unpacked he would have a Blonde all to himself, and she
+would have traded her Fan for his College Pin.
+
+If a Fair-Looker on the Street happened to glance at him Hard he would
+run up and seize her by the Hand, and convince her that they had Met.
+And he always Got Away with it, too.
+
+In a Department Store, while waiting for the Cash Boy to come back with
+the Change, he would find out the Girl's Name, her Favorite Flower, and
+where a Letter would reach her.
+
+Upon entering a Parlor Car at St. Paul he would select a Chair next to
+the Most Promising One in Sight, and ask her if she cared to have the
+Shade lowered.
+
+Before the Train cleared the Yards he would have the Porter bringing a
+Foot-Stool for the Lady.
+
+At Hastings he would be asking her if she wanted Something to Read.
+
+At Red Wing he would be telling her that she resembled Maxine Elliott,
+and showing her his Watch, left to him by his Grandfather, a Prominent
+Virginian.
+
+[Illustration: FRED AND EUSTACE]
+
+At La Crosse he would be reading the Menu Card to her, and telling her
+how different it is when you have Some One to join you in a Bite.
+
+At Milwaukee he would go out and buy a Bouquet for her, and when they
+rode into Chicago they would be looking out of the same Window, and he
+would be arranging for her Baggage with the Transfer Man. After that
+they would be Old Friends.
+
+Now, Fred and Eustace had been at School with Gus, and they had seen his
+Work, and they were not disposed to Introduce him into One of the most
+Exclusive Homes in the City.
+
+They had known Myrtle for many Years; but they did not dare to Address
+her by her First Name, and they were Positive that if Gus attempted any
+of his usual Tactics with her she would be Offended; and, naturally
+enough, they would be Blamed for bringing him to the House.
+
+But Gus insisted. He said he had seen Myrtle, and she Suited him from
+the Ground up, and he proposed to have Friendly Doings with her. At last
+they told him they would take him if he promised to Behave. Fred warned
+him that Myrtle would frown down any Attempt to be Familiar on Short
+Acquaintance, and Eustace said that as long as he had known Myrtle he
+had never Presumed to be Free and Forward with her. He had simply played
+the Mandolin. That was as Far Along as he had ever got.
+
+Gus told them not to Worry about him. All he asked was a Start. He said
+he was a Willing Performer, but as yet he never had been Disqualified
+for Crowding. Fred and Eustace took this to mean that he would not
+Overplay his Attentions, so they escorted him to the House.
+
+As soon as he had been Presented, Gus showed her where to sit on the
+Sofa, then he placed himself about Six Inches away and began to Buzz,
+looking her straight in the Eye. He said that when he first saw her he
+Mistook her for Miss Prentice, who was said to be the Most Beautiful
+Girl in St. Paul, only, when he came closer, he saw that it couldn't be
+Miss Prentice, because Miss Prentice didn't have such Lovely Hair. Then
+he asked her the Month of her Birth and told her Fortune, thereby coming
+nearer to Holding her Hand within Eight Minutes than Eustace had come
+in a Lifetime.
+
+[Illustration: THE WILLING PERFORMER]
+
+"Play something, Boys," he Ordered, just as if he had paid them Money to
+come along and make Music for him.
+
+They unlimbered their Mandolins and began to play a Sousa March. He
+asked Myrtle if she had seen the New Moon. She replied that she had not,
+so they went Outside.
+
+When Fred and Eustace finished the first Piece, Gus appeared at the open
+Window, and asked them to play "The Georgia Camp-Meeting," which had
+always been one of his Favorites.
+
+So they played that, and when they had Concluded there came a Voice from
+the Outer Darkness, and it was the Voice of Myrtle. She said: "I'll tell
+you what to Play; play the Intermezzo."
+
+Fred and Eustace exchanged Glances. They began to Perceive that they had
+been backed into a Siding. With a few Potted Palms in front of them, and
+two Cards from the Union, they would have been just the same as a Hired
+Orchestra.
+
+But they played the Intermezzo and felt Peevish. Then they went to the
+Window and looked out. Gus and Myrtle were sitting in the Hammock, which
+had quite a Pitch toward the Center. Gus had braced himself by Holding
+to the back of the Hammock. He did not have his Arm around Myrtle, but
+he had it Extended in a Line parallel with her Back. What he had done
+wouldn't Justify a Girl in saying, "Sir!" but it started a Real Scandal
+with Fred and Eustace. They saw that the only Way to Get Even with her
+was to go Home without saying "Good Night" So they slipped out the Side
+Door, shivering with Indignation.
+
+After that, for several Weeks, Gus kept Myrtle so Busy that she had no
+Time to think of considering other Candidates. He sent Books to her
+Mother, and allowed the Old Gentleman to take Chips away from him at
+Poker.
+
+They were Married in the Autumn, and Father-in-Law took Gus into the
+Firm, saying that he had needed a good Pusher for a Long Time.
+
+At the Wedding the two Mandolin Players were permitted to act as Ushers.
+
+MORAL: _To get a fair Trial of Speed, use a Pace-Maker._
+
+
+
+
+_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ MAN _WHO_ DIDN'T CARE _FOR_ STORYBOOKS
+
+
+Once there was a blue Dyspeptic, who attempted to Kill Time by reading
+Novels, until he discovered that all Books of Fiction were a Mockery.
+
+After a prolonged Experience he came to know that every Specimen of
+Light Reading belonged to one of the following Divisions:
+
+1. The Book that Promises well until you reach the Plot, and then you
+Remember that you read it Summer before last.
+
+2. The book with the Author's Picture as a Frontispiece. The Author is
+very Cocky. He has his Overcoat thrown back, so as to reveal the Silk
+Lining. That Settles it!
+
+3. The Book that runs into a Snarl of Dialect on the third Page and
+never gets out.
+
+4. The delectable Yarn about a Door-Mat Thief, who truly loves the Opium
+Fiend. Jolly Story of the Slums.
+
+5. The Book that begins with a twenty-page Description of Sloppy
+Weather: "Long swirls of riven Rain beat somberly upon the misty Panes,"
+etc., etc.
+
+You turn to the last Chapter to see if it Rains all the way through the
+Book. This last Chapter is a Give-Away. It condenses the whole Plot and
+dishes up the Conclusion. After that, who would have the Nerve to wade
+through the Two Hundred and Forty intermediate Pages?
+
+[Illustration: ALL A MOCKERY]
+
+6. The Book in which the Pictures tell the Story. After you have seen
+the Pictures there is no need to wrestle with the Text.
+
+7. The Book that begins with a Murder Mystery--charming Picture of
+Gray-Haired Man discovered Dead in his Library--Blood splashed all over
+the Furniture--Knife of Curious Design lying on Floor.
+
+You know at once that the most Respected and least _sus_pected Personage
+in the Book committed the awful Crime, but you haven't the Heart to
+Track him down and compel him to commit Suicide.
+
+8. The Book that gets away with one Man asking another: "By Jove, who is
+that Dazzling Beauty in the Box?"
+
+The Man who asks this Question has a Name which sounds like the Title of
+a Sleeping Car.
+
+You feel instinctively that he is going to be all Mixed Up with that
+Girl in the Box before Chapter XII. is reached; but who can take any
+real Interest in the Love Affairs of a Man with such a Name?
+
+9. The Book that tells all about Society and how Tough it is. Even the
+Women drink Brandy and Soda, smoke Cigarettes, and Gamble. The clever
+Man of the World, who says all the Killing Things, is almost as Funny as
+Ally Sloper. An irritable Person, after reading nine Chapters of this
+kind of High Life, would be ready to go Home and throw his Grandmother
+into the Fire.
+
+10. The dull, gray Book, or the Simple Annals of John Gardensass. A
+Careful Study of American Life.
+
+In Chapter I. he walks along the Lane, stepping first on one Foot and
+then on the Other, enters a House by the Door, and sits in a four-legged
+wooden Chair, looking out through a Window with Glass in it. Book
+denotes careful Observation. Nothing happens until Page 150. Then John
+decides to sell the Cow. In the Final Chapter he sits on a Fence and
+Whittles. True Story, but What's the Use?
+
+Why continue? The Dyspeptic said that when he wanted something really
+Fresh and Original in the Line of Fiction he read the Prospectus of a
+Mining Corporation.
+
+MORAL: _Only the more Rugged Mortals should attempt to Keep Up on
+Current Literature._
+
+
+
+
+OTHER BOOKS _By_ GEORGE ADE
+
+
+DOC' HORNE
+
+A STORY OF THE STREETS AND TOWN, with many illustrations by John T.
+McCutcheon. 16mo, cloth, $1.25.
+
+_Seventh Thousand_
+
+
+PINK MARSH
+
+A STORY OF THE STREETS AND TOWN, with forty full-page illustrations by
+John T. McCutcheon. 16mo, cloth, $1.25.
+
+_Eighth Thousand_
+
+
+ARTIE
+
+A STORY OF THE STREETS AND TOWN, with many illustrations by John T.
+McCutcheon. 16mo, cloth, $125.
+
+_Twenty-first Thousand_
+
+
+Mr. Ade's books are too well known to require comment here. They may be
+had of all booksellers, the three volumes mentioned above together in a
+box, or from the publishers, postpaid, on receipt of the price.
+
+HERBERT S. STONE & COMPANY
+CHICAGO    NEW YORK
+
+
+
+
+PRINTED BY R.R. DONNELLEY AND SONS COMPANY AT THE LAKESIDE PRESS,
+CHICAGO, ILL.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Fables in Slang, by George Ade
+
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