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diff --git a/25303.txt b/25303.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1e4879 --- /dev/null +++ b/25303.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2644 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Bad Boy At Home, by Walter T. Gray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Bad Boy At Home + And His Experiences In Trying To Become An Editor - 1885 + +Author: Walter T. Gray + +Release Date: May 2, 2008 [EBook #25303] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BAD BOY AT HOME *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + + + + +THE BAD BOY AT HOME, + +AND HIS EXPERIENCES IN TRYING TO BECOME AN EDITOR. + +THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF THE AGE. + +BY + +Walter T. Gray + + +1885 + +J. S. Ogilvie & Company. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + WHY HE CHEWSES A PERFESSHUN.--HYFALUTIN PROLOG, WITH SUM + BARE POSSIBILITIES.--PROSPECTUS OF THE "DAILY BUSTER." + +Mister Diry: + +I've been intending ever since I got home from Yourope, to begin ritin' +in a diry, but I ain't had no time, cos my chum Jimmy and me has been +puttin' in our days havin' fun. I've got to give all that sorter thing +up now, cos I've accepted a persisshun in a onherabel perfesshun, and +wen I get to be a man, and reech the top rung of the ladder, I'm goin' +to mak' New York howl. + +Pa, he wanted me to go to skule, but I culdn't see it a tall, cos +a feller wot's alwus goin' to skule don't never kno nothin' but +base-ballin' and prize fitin' wen 'he gets thru. All them fellers wot +rite in dirys begin by usin a lot of hyfalutin wurds wot sound orful big +but don't meen nothin; so I guess I'll be in the fashun, so here goes: + +You're only a quire of "common noose" paper, Mr. Diry, so you needn't +put on so menny airs over your cleen wite dress, wot only needs a +morocker lether mantel and gilt braceletts to make you look like you +b'longed to the Astor house dude. + +We all know you was maid of rags, and them rags might once have bean +in the mazey, lacey laberinths of wite linnin wot audashusly pressed +'gainst the tender form of Lillyan, the dudine. + +If you warn't there you mite have ben all ablaze with chane stitches and +crushed oniyun stripes, closely incircling a cupple of been-poles--no, +not eggsactly been-poles, but the sharpley, shadderly lower lims of +Sarah Jane Burnhard, the actress wot got mashed on Dam-all-her. + +Then, agen, you mite have ben on some infantile prospecktive Preserdent, +but you didn't stay on him long, cos baby's and safety-pins maid you +tired. + +Enyway you've got a histery, cos them littel black spots on your rite +bussum looks like they mite wunce hav ben part of Mrs. Dr. Walker's +patent backackshun, maskuline, dress-reform trowsers, wot she sent +to the paper-mill to get ground up inter paper to mak books for the +enlitenin of the wimmin of our country. + +How's that for high, Mr. Diry? My muse come playguey neer running away +with me, so I had to wistle "down brakes," and slow her up. Now I'll +begin to record my doins on your pages, so that, shuld the toes of my +boots be applide to the patent bucket early in my useful carreer, the +hull wurld'll kno wot a treassure socieaty has lost. I ain't givin you +eny biled lasses candie, but don't you let your memmerizin orgins lose +site of the fact that I, Georgie, the Bad Boy wot's ben to Yourope, +ain't no slouch. + +My pa sez I'm a geneyus. I guess he's 'bout rite, ony he orter sed I was +a buddin' one, 'cos my hankerin' after a perfeshunal carrieer has led me +to axcept a posishun in the publick-opinyun-moldin' shop wots known as +the _Daily Buster_, Joe Gilley, edittur and proprieat-her. Subskripshun +price, $5 per yare. No trubbel to sine receits. + +N.B.--Speshell arrangements with ex-Senater Satan enabels us to give our +delinkent subskribers cheap excurshun rates to the Hot Sulfur Baths, via +the Haydies Short Line, our fitin' edit-her corndoctor. This paper is +run on red-hot indypendant principels, in a spicey, sparklin' manher. In +pollyticks our motto is: "Onhest men, regardless of partie, candy-dates +with barr'ls xcepted." + +The above is the prospecktus of the journalistick venture in wich I +have mbarked in the capacerty of typergraffickal devil. So now Mr. +Diry, look out for the brakers. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + HIS FIRST INTERVUE.--WILL THEY BE CONSINED TO A PLACE THAT + IS HOTTER THAN THIS.--A LABER-SAVTN' MASHEEN.--BEER, + GASSERLIN AND PROHIBISHUN. + +I've jest got my supper, so I guess I'll tell you 'bout my first day's +xperience on the Dailey "Buster." I was down to the offis at 7 'clock, +and the mannergin edittur, he detaled me to intervue, the old papers and +dust, on the floor. By the ade of a broom, wot was so old, it was most +bald-hedded, I suckceeded in completely ridden the floor of its surplus +stock of litterature, and terbackhey balls, wot them printers spit out, +wen they warnted to use there mouths, to consine sum feller, wot rote +orful to Hallyfax, or sum other mild climat. + +I wunder if everybodie, wot them printers dam, goes to Hades, cos, if +they do, and all printin' offisses is like ourn, I guess us fellers wont +have much compenny in Heaven wen we get there. They all ap-pare to have +a pertickler spite 'gainst a Mister Copy, cos I hearn him bein' dammed, +more an a hundred times to-day. I guess the poor feller ain't got no sho +a tall. + +I never seen the wurkins of a edithers sanktuary before. I useter +wonder, how they rote all them long artickels wot everybodie sed show'd +the grate geneyus of the edittur, but I never knowed till this mornin' +bout the laber-savin' masheen, wot is maid of two peeces of steal, with +sharp points on one end, and two rings on the other, wot slip over +the editturs fingers. Wen he's got them on, he takes off his shoes and +stockins, and waids inter a lot of old noosepapers, clippin' out littel +bits here and there, and pastin' 'em on a sheet of wite paper. The +masheen wurked splendid, and Mister Gilley sez its a sure anty-dote agin +skribler's parallysis, wot all great riters is trubbelled with. + +Jest 'fore dinner the edit-her begun to get orful dry ritin a artickel +hedded, "Pernisshus Pizen; or, Holesail Slaughter," caused by the +adulterashun of beer with arsernic, so he sent me down to the barroom +next door to get him a bottle of beer on thirty days time. I'd jest got +back to the sanktum, and was takin' out the cork, wen the Metherdist +minnysteer cum in to arrange 'bout a big prohibishun rally wot comes off +next week. He looked orful suspishus at the bottle, till the edit-her +told me to take that bottel of gasserline, to the forman, and tell him +to wash the forms with it, and be sure not to get it neer a lite, cos +gasserline was orful 'xplosive. + +I guess it got 'xploded cos, wen the minnyster was gone, I went out to +get it, and I culdn't even find a smell of it, so I had ter go round +to the next block for another, cos the edittur's face wasn't good for +morean one, in the same place, in one day. + +Say, Mister Diry, did you ever get a whiff of the smell, throne out by +the paste-pot, in an edittur's offis, wot was 'stablished in '49? Cos, +if you never did, you can't apreshiate how deliteful the consentrated +'xtract of half a dozen glew factorys would be, in comparyson. This +afternoon the edit-her perlitely requested me to consine the contents +of ours to their last restin' place in the ash-heep, in our back-yard. +Menny a silent teer did I shed over the cold and clammy remanes of +hundreds of cockroaches, whose young and usefull lives came to such a +sad and untimely end, in there brave efferts to 'xplore the mystear-ious +and fathemless depths of the "Buster's" paste-pot. + +I guess I muster forgot to wash my hands 'fore supper, cos pa's down in +the sellar settin' a trap for a polecat, and ma she swares she's goin' +to have a carpinter take up the dinin'-room flure tomorrer mornin', and +hunt up the rat wot crawled under there and died. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + THE XCHANGE FYEND.--SHEECARGO ALL QUIETT.--THE FYEND GOES + ABROAD.--HIS GRATE SPERIT APALLED.--THE BERRIED HOPES OF A + RUMATIICK POET. + +Our offis has got wot is called a xchange fyend wot comes in every +mornin wen we get the male and looks over all the papers, cos he's too +meen to buy his own readin matter. I knovv'd by the way the edittur +looks at him, he'd like to kick him down 3 flites of steep steps, but I +guess he borrowed a dime from him, bout ten years ago, and he's +'frade he'll 'tach the offis furniture for it. I alwus like to help my +'mployers outer a tite place, so, this mornin, I run 'cross a paper that +was printed this day sevral yares ago, so I lade it down on the tabil +where the Fyend'd strike it the first thing, and then I got orful busy +dustin the book-case. Wen he cum in, he picked up the paper and looked +down the hed-lines. I seen he was gettin orful xcited, then he snatched +up his hat and segar stump, and run like he was chased by litenin. +Purty soon, there was more an 5,000 peepel on the street in front of the +offis, and the edittur got orful scared, cos he thought they was goin +to run him outer town, on account of the big soshill scandell wot he +published yesterday, so he sent me to the door to see wot they all +wanted. Wen I got there the peeple was most crazey for noose from the +Sheecargo fire. I told em to hold on and we'd hav out an xtra in a +few minits, and then I showed the edittur the paper wot the Fyend was +reedin, wot gave a big account of the Sheecargo fire. Wen we got out our +extra, we sold 'bout 10,000 coppies, with a artickel, wot red like this: + +"The latest despaches from that city report Sheecargo all quiett, thanks +to the forethort of the Mayor, in swarein in a large number of extra +perlice, for service durin the sittin of the Youmorists Conven-shun, and +the grate precaushuns taken by Common Counsil to see that no lickher was +sold to delergates!" You bet there was a mad crowd, wen they found out +there warnt no fire a tall in Sheecargo. The 'xchange fyend's gone +to New Jersey, cos it'll have time to blow over, 'fore Congres can +promulgait a xtrodishun treety, with that government. + +This afternoon, I was appalled, my grate big spirit fell down into my +shoes, like a Jump of led. Alass how grate the breech is, tween the +orthor, and the columns of a noospaper, and how short the rode, wot +leeds to the waist basket, espeschially the one, in a printin offis like +the Daily "Buster," were the basket covers bout a square akrc of flore. +I was put to cleenin up the waste basket, so as we'd hav the paper +reddy, for the junk man, wot calls round with his six horse teem of +goverment muels, once a week, I coldn't help lingerin over the contents, +and sying, wen I thought, of the hopes wot lied burried thare. There was +one littel peece of poultry, rittin on a sheet of 'lectric blue paper, +and sented with otto of roses, and indited to "My dare George." I wunder +if the poultryess ment me, wen she rote it, cos if she did, she struck +it jest rite, for Ive got it stowed away, in my pants pocket next my +hart. + +There was a nother roll of manerskript, wot wayed a pound, and come by +xpress, without bein pade. I guess the edittur was mad, wen he paid 50 +sents charges, and found out it warnt no berthday present. A note with +it, red like this: + + My dare Edittur Buster-- + + The enclosed storie entitled "Dudish Dick, the Flirtin + Corn-Doctor of Horse-car No. 36," is wurth $500, but in + complerment of the high standin of your valewbel jurnal, I + will allow you to publish it for notthin, if you will send + me papers containin it. + + Yours trooly, + + Sammy Lane, Author. + +Wat unappreciatin beins editturs are! Wen they wuld let a geneyus wot +was capable of pennin the follerin lines go unrewarded: + + A big politishun named Kelley, + Had a gripin pane in his belly. + He used St. Jacobs oil, + And now he's nussin a boil, + But his pane has left him by golly. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + HE AIN'T NO TYPERGRAFFICKAL CYCLOPEEDA.--SERIUS + COMPLERCASHUNS, WITH A TEMPORY ABBERASHUN.--A PRINTIN' OFFIS + FEED. + +I'm in a peck of troubel to-day, wot I'll have ter trust ter Providence +to get me outer. A typergraffickal devil ain't s'posed to know +everything, enyway. Now the hull offis is mad at me, 'cos I ain't a +walk-in' cyclopeeda of typograffickal turm. + +In the fust place, the foreman of the composin' room's mad, 'cos wen he +tole me to fech him a long stick, I went down street and hunted round +till I struck a house wot was bein plasturd, and brot him back a good +lath. Wen I giv it to him I thot there was a erupshun from a volcano, +the way he swared at me. He sed he'd a noshun to brake it over my back, +for not havin cents enuff to kno that he bot his fire wood by the cord. +Y didn't he tell me in the fust place he wanted that thing wot printers +use to set type in. + +Now the casheer's on his ear, cos he sent me out ter buy a wooden +galley. I know'd very well I couldn't make no mistake there, cos I'm +posted on ship's kichens, + +so I arst him how big a one he wanted. He sed medeyum, so I went up to +Johnny Roache's ship-yard and had them send a galley down to the offis, +wot would be big enuf for a good sized skooner. You orter seen the +casheer's face, wen the six-horse teem stopped in frunt of the dore. The +driver was goin to leeve the galley enyway, but the Casheer pade him +to hawl it back, and rote Mr. Roache that there boy was laberin under a +slite abberashun of the mind wen he ordered it. But I think its his +mind wots got the abberashuns instead, from sittin up so late with the +red-hedded grass widder wot keeps the bordin house crost the street from +our house. If it hadn't, y didn't he tell me he warnted a galley for +keepin type in, wen the composin stick's full. Fellers like him orter be +put on ice, cos there too fresh to keep long. He only needs a tale to be +a thorobred dude, cos he's got everything else wat blongs to one. + +On my way home, at noon, I stopped to see a feller wot was sellin prize +packits, at the corner of Nassau street, so I didn't get time to ete +much dinner. I was gettin orful hungry bout 4 'clock, wen the edittur +arst me if I thot I culd clere up the pie wot was on the imposin ston. +I didn't warnt to let him see I was so orful hungery, so I told him I +didn't kno. "Well," sed he, "there's nothin like tryin; the fore-man'll +sho you wear it is." I couldn't keep back my grattyfycashun, so I +thanked him three or four times. You bet I was mad, wen I fownd out +there warnt no cherry or mince pie, not even dryed appel, but only a lot +of type wot had got mixed up. I think its reel mene to make a littel boy +like me think hes goin to get a big feed, and then not give him enything +but a lot of led wot nobodie else wuld try to ete. + +You orter see our imposin stone; it must be orful valewble. Its a grate +flat peece of marbel, tattooed, all over, with funny hyroglifficks. I +guess its one of the old toombstones wot come from anshunt Troy. Its +a wunder the edittur dont sell it to the Smithsoyun institute, sted of +using it for layin forms on, its so orful imposin. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + A VISIT FROM A DISTINGUSHED ANTY-MONOPERLIST TYPERGRAFFICAL + TOREWRIST.--HE EXPOSES A MURDERUS CONSPIRACY.--A THRETEND + RESIGNASHUN. + +This mornin our offis was onhered by a visit from a typergraffical +torewrist, wot in-terduced hisself as John McNamee. He sed he'd just +returned from a xtensive visit in the Western States, ware he'd been +for sum time, for the benefit of his health. He is one of the most +distinguished members of the perlitikel partis, called Anti-Monopolists. +I admire a man wot praktices wot he preaches. Now, this Mr. McNamee has +never been known to contribute a cent to surportin our grate ralerode +mo-noperlists, altho he has travilled all over the United States by +rale. Beside that, he wouldn't axcept any accommodashuns short of a +green-line sleeper. Wen I arst him y he didn't ware his gold watch-chain +and silk hat, like all other pollytishuns, he sed his partie was +endevourin to freeze out the big clothin monopolies by wearin their does +till they fell off. I notissed his bus-sum swellin with pride, as he +spoke of the fruits there labor had brot forth in the failyure of so +menney grate clothin furms. + +He condersended to thro in sum type, and wen he got thru, him and a +cuppel of our printers adjurned down stares to partake of a shampayne +lunch. I guess he warn't used to drinkin lite wines, cos he's been +sleepin under the paper-cutter all the afternoon, dreemin that he was +bein nom-minated for Preserdent on the great anty-monoperlist ticket. +Jest before dinner the edittur told me to tell the make-up man to kill +Lawrence Rickard. Now, his store is ware my pa buys all his groseries, +and his wife and ma's orful good chums, and b'long to the same sewin' +sircle. Mr. Rickard alwus treeted me rite, and I didn't like to see a +cupple of bludthursty villanes kill him without givin' him tim to say +his prayers, so I called inter his store and told him he'd better skip +out or lay lo, cos the edittur was orful mad at him, and had ordered a +nuther feller to kill him. He sed he'd fix 'em. So rite after dinner a +cupple of perlice cum up to the offis and arrested Mr. Gilley and the +make-up man for conspiracy to murder, and they had to xplane it, and pay +all the costs. + +I took a littel vacashun this afternoon, and went out fishin', cos I +remembured wot pa says after he's kissed ma by telerfone, + + "Distance lends enchantment to the vue." + +So I thot them two bad men wyld be more enchanted with me if I kep at +a safe distance. I'm orful frade my jurnulistick carrieer's goin' to +be broken off short, but I don't think they orter blamed me, cos the +edittur shutd er told me to tell the make-up man to take out that local +notis wot red: "Fresh vegetabels and grene truck received daily, at +L. I. Rickard's Grocerie," insted of makin' me tell him to kill Mr. +Rickatrd, Well, if I can't be a jurnulist and make a fortune, I' kno wot +I can be, I'll go to the offis in the mornin', and if there's eny music +in the air, I'll resine and berry my hopes. Then I'll leese Dennis +Ryan's old blind muel, wot's too week to kik, and go to peddlin' fish. +The _Buster_ will bust 'fore they make enything outer this chickin; +ain't that so, Mister Diry? + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + THE CLOWD SHEW's ITS SILVER LININ', AND GEORGIE DOES HISSELF + PROUD.--THE RED-HEDDED OLD SNOOZER QUAKES BEFORE THE DEVIL.-- + HE'S GOT THE GALL. + +To-day has ben a glorius day for me, cos it seems like I'd done sumthin +wot was a onher to the perfesshun. + +Wen I went down to the offis I felt like my resignashun wuld be +axceptabel, cos my servises could easyly be dispensed with. I left the +door opin wen I went in so as I'd have a avenew of 'scape in case a mine +'xploded. Jest as I got in the press-room I hearn a muffelled voice say: +"Georgie, my boy, is that you?" I answered: "Yes, sir." Then I seen +the edittur reclinin' in a recumbent posishun, under the big sillinder +press, lookin'whither 'an a sheet, and tremblm' like he'd seen his +grandpa's gost. I arst him wot was the matter, and he sez: + +"Georgie, there's a man in the offis wot I sed was a red-hedded old +snoozer wot ort to be run outer town. Tell him I've gone to Coney +Ileland to fite a duhell with Sullivan, or say I'm out takin' my mornin' +pistil practise. Tell him enything, only get schutt of him." + +I sez: "You becher life, I'll fix him." So I went inter the sanktuary, +like I own'd the hull bisness, and I seen his oner walk-in' up and down, +swarin' to hisself, like he was repeetin' the responces in the 'Piscopal +church. + +Soon as he cot site of me, he sez: + +"Young man, where am that red-hedded, shaller-braned, lantern-jawd, +squint-eyed, crooked-knoes son of a ded beet? Show me him till I +pulverise him so fine that his remanes wouldn't bring 5 cents if you was +to sell em for pure superfosfated binary bone." + +"Wot did you remark?" sez I. + +"Show me the insignificant littel puppy wot sed I was a red-hedded old +snoozer," sed he. + +"Oh! you wish ter see the edittur. I'll call him," sez I. + +[Illustration: A GENTLEMAN, WANTS TO INTER VUEHIM. ] + +Then I went to the speakin tube wot goes up inter the composin-room, and +sung out orful loud: + +"Tell the fitin edittur that there's a gentleman, down in the offis, +wants to intervue him. Tell him he'd better lode up his dubble-barrl'd, +breech-lodin blunderbuss with dannymite cartrag cos the gentleman +prefers a-heeted argument." + +Then I turned round and told the man that the edittur 'd be down in a +minnit. + +He cooled rite off and sed: + +"Thank you, my boy; there's no hurry; I guess you'll do jest as well. +I only called to pay for your valuabel paper. Tell the edittur my hole +family culdn't get along without it; even the baby lays awake all nite +cry in' for it." + +And then he handed me a $10 bill and didn't wate for no change, for he +ony had a cuppel uv minnits to each a trane in. Mr. Gilley was listenin' +to the hull conversashun, an', wen the coast was cleer, he come out from +his hidin' place and patted me on the back and sez: + +"Georgie, you're a brick; you're goin' to be a onher to your perfeshun. +Sum day you'll be a _Pulsitter_, cos you've got the gall of a _Sun_ +reporter." + +I wonder if _Sun_ reporters swet much, cos I never go golled 'less it +was in summer wen pa maid me play the fiddel with the old buck saw, +gettin' the wood reddy for winter. I guess I must be a hero, cos +the sportin' edittur, wen he hurd wot I did, took me to the fotograf +gallarv, and had my pictur taken, so as he culd pass me off for the new +English prize fiter, wot he's training so as he can lick Sullivan. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + HE INTERVUES ELI PERKINS AND GETS SUM POINTS ON JURNERLISTIC + EGGSAGGERASHUN, PREVARICASHUN AND MAGNIFYCASHUN.--Y PULLMAN + STOK IS GOIN UP. + +Wen I was round to the hotels, this mornin' gettin the arrivals, I seen +sumthin on the regester of the Grand Pacific wot look'd like a cuppel of +spiders had ben fitin and got there legs in the ink bottel and crawled +over bout a dozen lines. I arst the clerk wot it ment. He culdnt: say +til he seen wot number the wot-is-it had. After lookin over his leger he +found that No. 36 stood for Eli Perkins and a grate big bord bill. + +I've hurd it sed that it showed enterprise for a noosepaper man to +intervue distinguished guests, so I thot it'd do purty neer as well to +intervue a distinguished liar. So I got the clerk to sho me up to Mr. +Per-kin's room. + +It feel like I'd got up a rung or two on the ladder alreddy, cos the +edither thot my peece wot I rote bout the intervue was good, and its +goin to be put in to-morrer mornins paper. I rite it down in your pages, +Mister Diry, so as I can look at it wen my hart grows weery strugglin +for fame and wriches: + +"After xchangin good mornins, the _Buster_ reporter sed: + +"'Mr. Perkins, youre one of the biggest liars in America, aint you?' + +"'Who sed I was one of 'em, yung man?' sed he, gettin mad, and comin +over to were I was sittin, like he was goin to formally interduce his +patent lether pumps to the paches wot I sit down on. 'Who sed so? Name +him instanly, and I'll brand him as an infamous liar. Me, one of the +biggest liars in America. It's mene, to, contemtabel. To think that I +shuld hav toiled a life to stablish a reputashun, only to be classed as +one of the biggest liars of America. No, young man, you're rong. I am +the grate I am liar of the unyverse.' + +"By this time our reprysentative was feelin like he'd mistakin his +callin, but musterin up courage, he sed: + +"'Mr. Perkins, I'm a yung aspyrant for jurnalistic onhers. Can you give +sum points on the bizness, wot I culd use to advantage?' + +"'Yes, my son, you becher bottom dollar, I can. Alwus bear in mind +that the three furst principels of moddern jur-nalism is Prevaricashun, +Eggsaggeration, and Magnifycashun. For instance: If Tallmage, in his +sermin, sez he b'lieves there's a hell, you want to be sure to rite it +up thusly: "Rev. Tallmage, havin just returned from a short visit, held +his hearers spellbound for a hour, yesterday morning, by his grand and +vivid discripshun of the mildness of the climat of a salubrous summer +resort" This wuld be a excellent illustrashun of Prevaricashun. + +"'Eggsaggershun would be like this: If a candydate of the oppersishun +treats a fellow to a glass of beer, you wanter say: The barrel's ben +tapped, and fabulous sums are bein expended to inflooence voters, and +never forget to hed the artickel Fraud, Corrupshun, and Forgerry. + +"'If a six-pound baby comes to one of your subskribers, you warnter size +the farther up, and if he's good for twenty-five segars the babys got +ter be twelve pounds. If he's good for fifty make it eighteen pounds, +and if he sends round a hole box, with the notis, the baby's got to turn +into twins. This wuld be a case of magnifycashun. It shos jurnerlistick +enterprise. Y, I've known cases where a puny 8-pound boy got to be +bouncin triplets, mother and babies doin' well, all cos their papa +had cents enuf to send sum wiskey 'long with the segars. Those are the +principel points to bare in mind, and if you follow em up rite, you'll +become a grate and good jurnerlist. If you ever run short of sensashuns, +get on the track of the "mercury" liar and foller him up, till you +strike his mine of valuabel infer-mashun.' + +"'How long are you goin' to be in the city, Mr. Perkins?' + +"'Only a few days. I'm here fixin' up my fenses, and puttin' in a bid +for the nommenashun for the Preserdency. I'm orful anxyus to run agin' +Ben Butler.' + +"'Is there enything else startlin' that you know, Mr. Perkins?' queried +our rep-rysentativ. + +"'Yes, but you musn't give it away, cos I'm short on Pullman stok. Do +you see this?' said he, holdin' up a peece of cotton, 'bout six inches +square. 'Well I come down from Albanie on a sleeper last nite, and this +morning I mistook one of the sheets for my hankerchef, and this thing is +the sheet, but don't menshun it, cos it'll make the stok jump a foot.' + +"'Good mornin', Mr. Perkins, wenever I run short of lies I'll call +agen.'" + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + A CONVENSHUN OF THE DUDE DEMMERCRAZEY,--A COUNTRY DELEGAIT.-- + THE EDITHER GETS NOMMERNATED FOR GOVERNOR, AND GEORGIE + SMOKES A $15,000 SEGAR. + +There's something to pay to-day, is wot the edither sed to the casheer +tonite, wen I walked up to the desk for my $2 in munney and a bushell of +gloryfycashun. + +Yes, it was to pay all day in town, cos there was a convenshun of the +Dude Dem-mercrazey in the Grand Opera House, and the candydates had all +the salloons leesed, and war busy servin out free wisky, like they've +got in O-i-o. + +Mr. Diry, did you ever see a full-bludded Demmercratic delegait from a +country village? Well, jist immagin a tall, leen, lank indyvidooal, with +long hare, slouch hat, a knoes wot looked like it'd been in collishun +with a elderberrie pie, and a sute of cloes wot was bort wen old Father +Adam's wardrope of fig leeves was sold out by the Sherruf of Eden +county. That is a kyrect pickter of them fellers whose hands is ichin to +grab hold of the desternies and post-offisses of Amerika, and if you'll +take my advise you won't make no closer investi-gashun, lesn you've got +munney nuff to spare to set em up. + +The aldermen of the city passed a resurlushun closin up the front dores +of the s'loons, cos they was frade if they was left open sumthin mite +happin wot would hurt the reputashun of the partie in the common hurd +wot do the votin. But then the delergates didn't mind circumventin a +bildin, as long as they got a chanse, to circumvent sum hot stuf wen +they got inside. + +After dinner, the Convenshun was called to order, and the boss carpenter +naled a lot of old seccund hand planks togethur, wot they called a +platform. Then the onherabel members, got orful full of 'nthusyasm, cos +the nommernashun for Guvner, was in order, jest then my chum jimmy, wots +workin for the Districk Telergraf Corn-penny come in, and handed the +Cheerman a despach, wot he red out loud. It sed: + + Nommernate Joe Gilley, for Guvner, + and I'll tap a barrel, Sammy Tilton. + +The thots of the barrl was too much for the assembelled multertude of +the grate unwashed, and ther was quietness in the Hall, wile vishuns +of wiskey baths, free lunch stands, and clene paper collars, past befor +thir eyes. Then ther was a loud cheir, and Joe Gilley wos nommernated +by acclamashun. The rest of the ticket was put on the slate, by order +of John Kelley, and the delergates adjourned to the _Buster_ offis, were +the temperance edittur regaled em, with a demmyjohn of Appel Jack, +wot the committee giv him sted of cash, last time he lectured, on +Proherbishun, in Hobokin. + +Wen the croud was cleered, Mr. Gilley arst me if I know'd the boy wot +brung the note. I told him he was my chum, and I'd rote the despach for +fun. + +Then he shook hands with me, and sed I was smarter 'an chane litenin', +and I'd get to be Preserdent sum day, cos I beet all the pollytishuns he +ever know'd at wirepulling. Then he thanked me, and give me a cuppel of +segars, one for Jimmy and one for me, to call it square. We're goin' to +save 'em til to-morrer after dinner, cos it tain't offen boys, like us, +get a chanse to smoke $15,000 dollar segars, and these muster cost +that, cos the evenin' papers says Mr. Gilley pade $30,000 for the +nommernashun. + +He's ben most everything but a demmycrat, but he says he guesses he can +stummick there docktrins 'til he gets to Albany. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + THE REPORTER INTERVUES A PULITICKEL GOST.--ROS CONKLIN GIVES + HIM SUM PRESERDENSHALL POINTERS, AND VANISHES WITH HIS + BOTTEL. + +Yesterday was Sunday, so I didn't mak no entry, cos the corpse hadn't +climaxed. + +Jest as we was leavin the offis Saturday nite I heerd the city editur +tell the purlitickal repertoriai liar that he wanted him to hunt up +a purlitickal gost, cos the _Buster_ culdn't afford to let a little +one-horsed, two-for-a-cent daily, like the _Times_, have the monopolie +of the etheriel spirit act, not by a numerous long site. Bout 10 'clock +in the evenin I saw the reporter passin our house, on his way to Trinity +churchyard, so I run up stairs and borrered one of ma's nite gownds +and nite caps, wot she wares wen she's 'mbracin morfeeus. Then I tuk a +short-cut down to the seminery. I'd jest got there, and was puttin the +last touches to my gostley toilet, wen I seen the reporter comin in the +gate. Wen he got purty neer up to were I was I coffed sort o' loud and +unearthy like. Well, you'd dide to see him drop his note book and get a +fit of Hodeley's shakin malaria. He was jest recoverin and gettin ready +to vacate the premises wen I immertated the voice of the feller wot says +the long prayers at Oshun grove camp meetin, and sez: + +"Young mortel noosepaper man, what warntedst thou, encroachin on the +peece and quiet of our last restin place, with thy terrestriel note +book?" + +"In the name of John Kelley, the omnippetent boss of the New York +Demmercrazey, who are you? Speak!" said the reporter. + +"Sinse you command me in the name of one of the gods, I will speak. See +this brillyant plumage," sed I, placin my hand where I sit down, "now +covered from earthly vue. I am Stalwart Conklin, the stallwart of the +Rerpublikan partie, doomed for a sertain time (till '84) to strut arouad +on the confines of the perlitickel arena, attended by my humbel page +Mctoo." + +"Ros, old boy, shake!" sed the reporter, puttia out his baud and givia +mine a urthly pull, soon as he found out he warnt talkin to no angel. +"Who's goin to be the coming President?" + +"Lissen, and I'll unfold a tail See yonder rooster, all bedecked in +gold?" sed I, pointin to the wether vein on top of the _Tribune_ bildin. +"Well, put your hand to it, and you'll behold the man wot my in-flooence +is going to carry to the Wite House. If you've got eny spare change, put +her up on Winnyfield Skot Hancock, and count Mr. Conklin in Secretarry +of State, but don't yer never giv it away, cos I'm play in' a dubbel +game. Give us a suck of your bottel, and I'll hie myself thitherward for +my nitely game of pennie anty with Genral Grant, who alreddy is awaitin' +me behind yonder cloud of Havannah smoke." + +"Hold on, Ros, leve us a smell," sed the reporter, as I shoved the +bottel in my pistil pocket, and disserpeered behind a toombstun. + +This mornin' the intervue come out in the _Buster_, and the hull corpse +of noosgathururs of the other papers is detaled in divishuns to wach all +the semerneries in the hope of interviewin' the gost of James G. Blame, +and the demmercrazey is wilder with inthusiasm than they was after +Fouracres got drownded in wiskey out in Oio. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + HE REPORTS A XERDENT WOT HAPPENED TO J. GOULD AND SETS ALL + NEW YORK WILD.--XCITE-MENT IN WALL STREET.--JIMMY NERVOUS.-- + YOU CAN TELL THEM BY THE COMPANY THEY KEEPS. + +I never could see y peepel with good cents don't xercise a little +jugement wen they name their baby's, so as fellus like me, wot is a +young aspyrant for jurnerlistic ornhers, wouldn't git mixed up on 'em. + +Now the citie edittur told me if I ever hurd of any dog fites, or +axydents, to report 'em, cos it'd keep me in practise. So this mornin, +bout 3 o'clock, we was woke up by a orfull loud poundin on the front +dore. Pa thot it was burglers, jest as if they'd nock at the dore if +they wanted to cum in and steel. So ma had to go to the winder, and she +found out it was Mrs. Gould, that's my chum, Jimmie's mother. She was +cryin orful, and wanted ma to come over to her house, cos Jimmy had got +the nitemare from etin too much minsepie, and fell outer bed, and she +was frade he'd brok his kneck, cos he hadn't spok a wurd sinse. I seen I +had a chanse to distinguish myself, so I put on my cloes and run down +to the offis. Oll the editturs and reporthers had gone to bed, cos +the paper was jest goin to press, so I told the foreman all bout the +axerdent wot happinned to J. Gould. He got orful xcited, and sed I orter +be promoted, cos it was a splendid item, and we'd be the only paper wot +would hav it, and then he got the paper reddy for 50,000 extra coppies. + +Wen I went down town after brake-fast I never seed such xcitement; +hundreds of peeple was at every street corner reedin' the _Buster_ and +discussin' probubillytees of a panic. The noose-boys was coinin' money +sellin' our paper, singin' out "All 'bout the axerdent," and showin' the +peeple the _Busters_ hedlines, wot red: "Terribel Calamyty! J. Gould, +the Ralerode King, Falls Outer Bed and Sustains Fatul Injuries." + +The managers of the other noosepapers was orful mad, and maid all the +citie reporters hand in their resignashuns, cos they wasn't smart enuf +to each the item. + +Down in Wall strete there was a reglar pannick. The Beers was jest as +happy as they culd be, and most all of 'em maid there fortunes before +dinner, cos all the stock went down like led. Jest wen a lot of the +bulls was goin' to bust up and pay ther creditturs 5 cents on the +dollar, who should walk inter the Xchange but J. Gould himself. You +never seen such a surprised crowd enyw'ere; they all thot it was his +gost till he 'xplayned that it warn't him wot fell outer bed a tail He +sed he know'd he was purty late gettin' down town, but they must 'xcuse +him, cos he was kep up purty late, calkin' up a cask of "Western Union +Water" wot sprung a leek. + +The 'xcitement's beginnin' to ware off now, but you bet the _Buster's_ +got a big lot of free advertising and Mr. Giliey warn't a bit mad, wen +I 'xplained how it all happened, cos the Wall strete beers is goin' to +s'port him for Guv'ner, cos the _Buster's_ made 'em all wrich. + +Jimmie's allrite agin; he was only stunned, and he got out of bed in +time to get down to the telegraf offis. I feel orful proud of my chum +now. I never know'd how much he was valewd before. You see now, Mr. +Diry, wot a boy makes of hisself when he 'sociates with a risin' yung +jurnerlist, like yours trooly, Georgie. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + IN THE ROLE OF DRAMATICK CRITTICK.--"HOSIERY HENRYETTUR, OR + A BOOM IN FANCY GOODS."--THE HAPPY DENEWMENT. + +I didn't write nothin in you last nite, Mr. Diry, cos me and +Maria--that's my gal--was takin in the furst nite at the theatur. + +Jest wen I was lee vin the offis the edittur called me aside and arst +me if I thot I was capabel to report the furst performance of "Hosiery +Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods," cos the dramattick edit-tur had +gone and got mashed on the latest perfesshunal buty from Cleveland, and +warn't fit for duty. + +I sez: "You becher sweet neck, I can." + +So he give me a cupple of "comps" and a led nickle for to buy candie and +peenuts with. Wen I got home I drest up in my Sunday-skule cloes, and +went round and wated wile my gal was puttin on her bandyline and rubbin +her face with a red sawcer wot she sez she uses for newralgy. + +You bet, this devil felt proud, promerinardin his gal down the ile to +the front orchestrey chares, wots reserved for us rep-rysentatives of +the metrypollyton press. + +I got out my note-book and pencil, and me and Maria ete candie, talked +sweet, and wated developments. + +I'll pass over the prolog, and giv you the report jest as it was printed +in this mornin's _Buster_: + +"Last evenin, the curtin, in Niblo's theattur, rose to a large, +appreshiativ, and bald-hedded audiense wot sit in the orkerstry cheers. + +"The play wot come on the staige for the furst time in 'Merica was +'ntitled 'Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods.' The plot +was novel, romantik, and excrushiatingly interestin. The principal +charackters is Henryettur, a assthetick young ladie, dorter of a +Fillydelphy lawyer, and Augustus Angerlinus Fizzlesprung, a dude, wot +wares a eye glass and carries a gold plaited kane, wot he chews sted +of terfaackky, cos his nerves is week. Henryettur is orful sick 'bout +Gussy, and wuld giv her lock of Horsecar Wild's hare, wot she carrys in +her bussum, if Gussy would ony tumbel and marry her. But Gussy wouldn't +tumbel if the hull of Broadway'd fall on him, cos he's mashed on a lot +of dudines wot do the balleyin act in the academme. The furst act was +very utter, in fact too utterly utter for utteranse. The scenery was +grandly sublime, bein a combynashun of sunflours and Baltymore +oysters, wot are sed to be very assthetick. The seccund scene is more +commonplase, cos it reprysents a green room of a theat-tur with the +artists sittin round a tabel, makin a supper off of Boston baked beens +and shampain sawse. Gussy 'pares in the background and givs the gals $5 +to danse a bally for his own speshell benerfit. Then they all cam to +the front of the staige. We guess they b'long to the femail econymist +persuashun, cos they all 'pared to be very eccornomical in goods wen +they maid there skurts, or else they got there dresses wet, cos they've +shrunk way up 'bove their nees, and way down b'low there necks. The +clerk wot sold 'em there stockins must of warrented them to wash, +cos there all colors, and there bout the only part of there does wots +anyways long. The dan-cin' part of the performanse didn't 'pare to be +much appreshyated by the older porshun of the audiense, cos they shaded +their eyes with their opera glasses and blushed on the top of there +heds, were there hare used to grow. The gals then go thru a lot of +moshuns, dansin the racket, and Gussy sets 'em up. + +"The furst scene of Act III. is in Henryettur's privat boodywar. She +walks round, holdin a big sunflower in her hand, and calls it to witness +that if her dare Gussy don't make up his mind purty soon to marry her, +the tender thred wot holds her to this mundain spere will soon cum to +a too utterly utter, suddint round turn. Then she whispers sumthin to +herself, and jumps bout a foot, and xclaims, in a anty-assthetik voice: +'I will do it! By the misterious hare, hidden in the opake depths of +10-cent-a-plate ice-creme, I will do it!' + +"The scene then changes to a rehursal in the theattur, with Gussy +looking at the bailey. All on a suddint a gal comes dancin out +on tip-toes and movin her hands round like she was playin' +skippin'-the-rope. Her close is purty, ony they're a good deal more +shrunken than wot the other gals had on, and her lower xtremer-ties look +like she was smugglin' cotton from New Orleans. Gussy then gets mashed +on her rite away, and she don't 'pare to mind it a bit, cos she sot rite +down on his knee, and they begun a-talkin' awful soft. Purty soon she +jumped 'bout six feet, wen Gussy shoved a pin inter her stockins. Then +he reckernized her as Henryettur, and the bailey bring on the happey +denewment act, by balleyin' round wile Gussy and Henryettur 'mbrace and +kiss each other, and the property man lifts up his hands and sez: + +"Henryettur, you had better Go put on your cloesietter, Cos you are too +utter utter, Drest all in your hosieryetter; Gussy, you must let her, +let her, And I'm sure you'll like her better Wen you've settur, settur, +settur, And we've drunk to your dudetter." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + A OLD BILL.--THE EDITTUR GETS A FORTUNE FROM OSSTRAILYER.-- + SAMANTHY LONGTUNG AS THE BLUSHING BRIDE EXPECTENT.--THE END + JESTERFIES THE MEENS. + +The edittur was lookin outer the winder this mornin, wen, who should he +spie cummin up the offis steps, but Miss Samanthy Longtung, that's my +Sundy skule teecher, wots sweet forty and aint never had a mash. He sed, +he guessed he'd better not be to home, so I'd hav to stand her off, cos +she'd cum to collect the quarter, wot he'd forgot to pay, wen he eat +that plate of injy-rubber oyster supe at the church festival, bout a +yere ago. + +Wen Miss Longtung cum in, she reck-ernized me, and congratulated me on +enterin such a onherabel perfesshun. Then she kissed me rite on the +mouth, and sed, she wished I was growd up to be a big man. Then she asst +me if Mr. Gilley was in, and wen I told her "no," she sed she was orful +sorry, cos she'd cum to collect a littel bill, wot she's gone +responsibel for, and wot was purty neer dew. + +I told her I was sure Mr. Gilley would be orful sorry, wen he cum back +and found she'd ben to see him, cos I'd hurd him say, he thot she was +the purtist yung ladie, he knowd, n town, and of all wimmin, she was the +one he'd hav, wen he got a wife. + +She sez, "Do tell, Georgie," and then she kissed and hugged me, all +over, and asst me how long the edittur would be gone. + +I seen she was warntin to kno too much & wuldnt stan off wuth a cent. +So I told her that Mr. Gilley wuldnt get back til nite, cos he was up +to his turney's, arrangin bout gettin the big fortune wot his uncle, wot +dide in Osstrailyer, had left to him. + +"The poor dare man," sez she; "didnt I alwus tell them yung snips of +gurls at sewin circles that Mr. Gilley'd be welthy sum day, I guess +they won't turn up their knoeses and call me a dride up old made, when +Samanthy Longtung turns inter Samanthy Gilley. I alwus knowd I'd be +married fore I got outer my teens, and to think my darlin Joe was too +onherable and bashful to ask my hand fore he got his fortune. But I +spose he was frade I wuldnt giv this poor hart, to a poor man, wen so +menny welthy suters wus round," Then she hugged me agin, & told me to +tell Mr. Gilley never to mind bout that quarter, cos she'd advance it +outer her own pocket. Seein she was so orful kind, I told her all bout +the fortune; how Mr. Gilley's uncle was sent out ter rustercate in +Bottany Bey by the British Guvment, but the barmy breezes of the bey +didnt agree with his constetushun, so he resined and took a boat for a +nuther ileland, & wen he got there he borrud sum sheep from a farmer, & +them sheep got marreed, & then there was a lot of littel sheep, wen they +growd up and got married, and kep the ball rollin' even to the 3d & 4th +generashun, wen the old man dide. And now Mr. Gilley was goin to hav +them aucshunned off, & he thot he'd get bout half a millyun for em. Then +I show'd her the plans of the Grammercy Park palace, wot the perlitical +edittur is keepin for refrence, in case he's called on to boom Mr. +Tilden for Preserdent, and told her them was the plans of the reserdense +wot Mr. Gilley was goin to hav bilt to take his blushin bride too, +after they got back from a Yuropeean hunney-moon. Then I maid her promis +faithfully that she wouldnt tell a sole bout the fortune & manshun, cos +the Edittur of the _Buster_ was the maudestest man in New York city. + +The Jesuites used to say that "The end alwus justerfies the meens." Sum +of the old Rode Ileland Purytans may say I'm a liar, but I don't agree +with em, cos I've maid too peepel happy. Samanthy Longtung is radient, +cos she walked up the strete like she was tredin on air. And Mr. Gilley +acts like he'd unloded a hull team full of pig led oflfen his mind, cos +he knoes Samanthy'll have the noose of the fortune all over town 'fore +nite, and then he'll be abel to stave off his bills, and run his cheek +for wotever he warnts, for a hull yare to cum. He told me, wen I was +cummin home, that I was a born diplermatist, & ort to hire myself out to +King Alfonso, of Spain, in case he'd get insulted agin. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + TRAVERLIN IN STILE.--GRAND RECEPSHUNS AND BABY KISSIN + MATTYNAYS.--MISTAKEN FOR HIS AXERDENSY.--A DEDLEY STATE. + +6 p. m., Troy, N. Y. + +Mr. Diry: + +You will notis by the above address, that you and me are away from home +to-nite, and I spose you orter have sum xplenashun of our doins. Well, +wen I got down to the offis this mornin, Mr. Gilley told me to go rite +home and put on my Sunday cloes, and be reddy to start for Troy on the +leven clock trane, cos we was goin to opin up the campane there, and he +wanted me to carry his sachell, wot had a demmy-John in. Wen I got +back, Gilley was orful busy with a old pall-bearer of the Demmercratick +corpse, from Shodack, fixin the rate per caperta wot was to be bid for +votes. + +Wen we got to the depot, Vanderbuilt had had one of his spells, and had +been sendin the publick to Haydies, so he wuldn't let the trane wate ten +minnits for a guvmentel candy date. Mr. Gilley was in an orful way bout +gettin left, cos he had to be at Troy to-nite, and there warnt no other +trane wot would get us there, so he pade a feerful big pile of munney +for a speshell. President Arthur, and a lot of other Republercan dudes +was goin to start for Bufflo on a fishin xcurshun at 1 o'clock, so our +train got under way rite off, and every other trane on the rode was +sidetracked to let us get past. + +There was a norful crowd at every sta-shun, wot had cum from miles +round, to see us distingushed cityzens. We stopped at Yungkurs to water. +The town has got a orful apropriate name, judgin by the way the mothers +brot ther yung curs for us to kiss. I dont care nothin for baby's +enyway, but I had to submit to a lot of slobberin for the sake of +inflooensin votes, for my Candydate. At Fishkill we stopped for +refreshments, and was waited on by a brass band and the Mayor and more +baby's. Mr. Gilley spoke a few wurds and thanked the crowd for their +curtesies, and named a few babies. Jest as we was steemin outer the +depot, he dropt his red bandanner handkerchef; you'd dide to see them +yung gals tumbel over each other and scrambel for it. Before they got +it, it was tore all up, in little bits, and most every gal wot got a +peece, unbuttoned there jerseys, and stowed it way in there bussums. +Fishkill, like Yungcurs, has got a purty good name, cos it emits a +perfume, very surgestive of cleenin fish, wot was fresh wen Preserdent +Buckannon was inaugerated. + +Mr. Gilley was feelin orful proud of his recepshuns, all long the line, +& it warnt till we got to Albany that he found out that the peepel took +him for Preserdent Arthur. Then he got orful indignant, & made the air +of the cur smell like condensed sulfur gas, the way he swared. He sez +his xperience of unkindnesses has been purty big in his lifetime, but +that the peepel of New York State shuld take him for his Axerdensy was +the gol durndest unkindest cut of all, and he'd be struck by litenin, +with a asse's jaw, if he didn't make the furst barber he seen shave +them leg-a-mutton sidebords clene off, cos they was bringin his bald hed +inter disgrace. Wen we got to Troy we was met by the Centril Committee, +and druv round to all the salloons, so as we'd see all the sites, & +set em up for the crowd. I heer the band pleyin "See the conqrin hearo +comes." I guess the populace is waitin for me, so I'll have to stop +ritin now. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + IMMENSE NTHUSIASM.--SUM POINTERS ON THE TARIFF.--THE OHIO + BABY'S.----POOR LITTLE CAST OFF.--THE FALLEN GRATE. + +My bussum swells to-nite with pride cos we've tuk the town by storm. If +peepel warnt all Demmycrats before, they is now, cos our speechyfyin +has struck in purty deep. The meetin was a grand suckcess fizzically, +morally, numerrically, and, I guess, votingly. + +From the furst, we pollytishuns was received with a perfect ovashun. +Chair after chair rended the air, and the seen was only comparable to +the nitely concerts of the tommas cats and there parrymores on the back +fences of 42d street. + +The silence was so grate you culd of hurd a dudine smile, wen Mr. +Gilley, in answer to a request to say sumthin bout the tariff, sed: +"Gentlemen and other Demmercrats, I regret very much that I can not +axceed to your request to menshun that all important questshun, the +tariff. My hart is reddy to bust with greef wen I think how menney +of you listened last Thursday nite to that Republercan demmygog, John +Sherman, and was deseeved. I met that gentelman in a hotel in New York +the other day. Sum one axed him if he'd sed enything in his Troy speech +bout the tariff. 'Yes,' sed he, 'I fed them durn country gallutes with +tariff taffy til they was runnin over.' I shall refrane from sayin +enythin more on the subject, cos you want to let your stummacks settel +again fore you take a nuther emettick." Mr. Gilley finished up his +speech, by pointin to the glorious victory in Oio, and urgin the +dem-mercrazey to "wurk, wurk, for the day is at hand. Look at Oio. A +Republican legislatur begat a baby, & it called it Seccund Amendment +Propersishun, it put it up, for the admirashun of the peepel. The +demmercrazy had a baby also, it was cristened Wiskey, it grew fat, +saucy, & popular. Seccund Amendment Propersishun appared to hav ben a +littel too previous, wen it come round, & grew to be a littel, puney, +sickley, child. Wot would eny mother have done? Wouldnt she have hired +a wet nurse? Did the Republican mother do this? No, gentlemen, not by a +long shot she didn't! She got ashamed of the baby, & abandoned it at +the dores of the wimmin of Oio, leavin it to them, to bring up on the +bottel. This was not all, gentlemen, the hartless mother got jellus, & +tride to steel littel Wiskey. But the grate buxom, german frawleen, wot +he had for nuss, couldnt see it a tall. Too much bottel. Too much W. +C. T. U. soothin sirrup, & too many wimmin, killed the poor littel cast +off, Seccund Amendment Propersishun, and the remanes was berried last +Tuesday. Littel Wiskey is growin to be a big & lazy boy, mother & father +doin well." + +This was too much for the crowd 'cos they got wild with nthusyasm, & +shoved us in a carriage, & hauled us all over Troy. + +The luv I bare the grand, anshunt, and onherabel partie of the grate +unwashed, tempts me to pass over, the grand finale of todays proceedins. +But my dutie as a chronickler of actooal events, compels me to menshun +the fact that after our late drive tonite, the select sircle of +pollytishuns, partuk of a banquet, and becom so full of grattytude, sour +mash, and old borbon prinsipels, that they are now, down stares, humbly +bitin' the dust of the dinin room flure, and confessin there mannyfold +sins, & trespasses, to the open and obligin eers, of half a dozen nickel +plated cusspy-dores. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + IN A TROY HOTEL.----GRAND REVUE AND MILLYTARY + DEMONSTRASHUN.--THE ATTAK OF THE LEEGUNS.--HOLESALE DETH AND + CONFUSHUN.--THE RECALL. + +I feel most too tired to rite in you tonite, Mr. Diry, but I guess I'll +tell you wot made me feel so xerted. After the meetin and banquet was +over last nite, the cullured gentelman, wot was in attendanse, at the +hotel, ushered me up to my room wot was on the skie balconey teer. + +[Illustration: I CREP OUTER BED AND LIT THE GAS. ] + +I got off my cloes & jumped inter bed, as quick as possibel, cos I was +purty well used up. i'd jest got inter a sleep, & was dreemin I was a +candydate for Preserdent, on the no-nuthin platform, with Benny Butler +hung on the tail of the ticket, wen I was woke up by feelin sumthin like +a lectric shock creepin over me. I begun to get scared, cos I felt like +I was gettin the seven yares ich, so I crep outer bed & lit the gas. +On xammenashun I found a feerful lot of little wite lumps all over my +bodie. Then I looked at the sheets, & a grande site was presented to +my vishun. There on a littel knoll, of the fether bed, stood the +commander-in-chief, surrounded by his staff, issuin orders. Grouped all +round, in regyments, divishuns, & briggades, were comanys of privats +in their full dress parade unyform of scarlet. As each regyment defiled +passed the Commander, the band struck up the Nashunal anthem of:-- + + "Bite, Brother, bite with keer + And do your dutie as a bed buggeer." + +The processhun was the most imposin I ever seen. The entire time taken +in passin a given point was two hours and ten min-nits. + +At eggsactly 2:20 a.m., the army formed in a holler square, with +the officers in the middel. The high priest then passed round them, +skatterin insense all over the soldjers, and xhortin them to stand firm, +cos vick-torie, glory & spoils was rite within there reech. Then he +skattered sum more insense, wot smelt wuss than limbugger cheese, all +over them. + +By this time it was 3 a. m., and I was gettin sumwhat nervus and +cold, in my abbreevyated costume, my mercyfull disposishun and other +considerations restrayned me from dealin out holesale slorter to the +enemy. Wile I was tryin to devise meens to recapture my fortress, +without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in five +divishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scale +the walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishuns +to assume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alas +for me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left me +but to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed the +wash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare. +There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, in +despyration I seized a copy of the New York _Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner_, +and a book 'ntitled "Biblikal Reesons Why." Placin the _Sun_ and +"Biblikal Reesons Why," under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare, +and holdin the _Presbyteeryan Banner_ over my bed with a feendish laff, +I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack. + +The corps on the seelin, under Genral Bludsucker, was ordered to take +the inishiativ. + +Formin in a compact falanx, the band playin the wile, they +simmultaneoushly took the perylus leep, landing rite in the middle of +my defense. Poor fellows! they met the fate of many others. Miscalculate +the distance they had fallen upon the Funny collum of the _Presbyteeryan +Banner_, and its well known soporiffic effects completely overcom them. + +Seein the discomfertufe of the Bludsuckers command Genral Robeson +advanced, on the dubbel quick, over my N.Y. _Sun_ barrycade. He had +almost reeched the leg of my chare, wen urgin his men forward he crossed +a line, and rushed rite into deth, yes a suddin and horrybel deth! +Poor fellus! they didnt notis in there hurried adyanse, that they were +attemptin to cross a sarcastick and vengeful dubble ledded editorial, +on the United States navy, by Charles A. Danamite. The survivors will no +dout erect a monument over the remains of there brave and darin comrads, +beerin the inskripshun "Dide of broken harts." + +Genral Robert Ingersol, seein the destruckshun of Robesons forces, +determined to advanse slowly, he had jest scaled the back of my +barrycade, and was preparin for a rush, wen his eyes cot site of the +title of the book. He immejiately sounded the retreet. Biblical Reasons +Why was too much for him, and he did not feel like crossin the kasm, and +exposin his men to more numerus and hotter perrils. + +A counsil of war was then held, and it was decided to get the forces all +together, and make one determined effort, to capture my fortress from +the see. A half burnt mach was obtained, and a company of soldjers +embarked upon it. The ma-sheenary of the transport must of giv out, +cos the bote became unmanageable, and its livin freight, seein there +hopeless condish-un, joined in singin', "We're goin down to Glory." + +By this time, the sun streemin thru the cracks of the curtin, warned the +survivors of the approch of day, and a genral recall was sounded, and +the entire force retreeted to there impenetrabel fortresses in the +cracks of the bedsted, leavin me completely master of the situashun. + +Now, Mr. Diry, can you wunder at my feelin sum wot tired after such a +xperiense, and a tedjus ride down from Troy? Prap's you may consider me +a liar. If you do, you are mistakin, cos every wurd I have rittin in you +to nite is the solium truth, without "any prevaricashun, eggsagerashun, +or magnifycashun, and besides that, every-bodie wot knoes me, sinse +I packed away my petty cotes, will tell you, I'm a littel Georgie +Washinton. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + HE REPORTS A DRY GOODS OPENIN.--A XPENSIV KOSTUM WOT FINDS + ITS WAY TO THE STABLISHMENT OF A JURNULISTICK MILLYUN-HAIR.-- + FEMMERNINE FEMMERNINITY'S, WITH MICE AS APPENDAGES.--THE + NEET THING IN A HAT. + +To-day was the grand openin of fall and winter stiles at all the big Dry +Goods and Millernery stores. Clara Bell, wot does up that bisness for +the _Buster_ had gone and got completely brok up on a 50 dollar bonnet, +wot she sed was the cutest little thing she ever seen, so she had to go +rite up to Hackensaw, and see if she couldnt squeeze the munny outer her +old bachler unkel, wot dotes on her. Mr. Gilley wuld of discharged her +ony he'd forgot to pay her sellary up in full for the last six months, +so he had to make the best of it, and send me out ter report it in her +place. + +The followin' is wot'll appear in termorrer mornin's _Buster_: + +"The first place our repraysentertiv peramberlated hisself to was Lords +& Tailor's. He was met at the dore by a aggressiv dude, to hoom he +persented his paist-bord, and who immejeatly put him in charge of a +demminutiv casheer, wot scorted him to the maid-up soot department. +This department was feerfully crowded with ladies, wot were passin +complerments on the dresses. + +"The most expensiv soot on exherbishun was 'mported from Paris, and is +maid with a red and green pettycote, bilt up together so as it'd look +like a checkherbord. Over this pettycote, and runnin down the back, from +the waste, in underlatin hills and valley's, wot was formed of a lot of +the cheep, two-for-a-cent metrypollytan jurnals, was a skie blu sattin +coursage, with a long trane, The front of the skurt was composed of a +lot of curlykues, suspended from the sides, louped up in the middle, +and maid of illushunairy stuff, so you culd see the pettycote. The hull +bisness was blowd up like the upper half of a belloon, ony a little more +so. Over all this was a pollynays, with panyers xtendin from the neck, +down to the waste line and maid titer'an durnashun. + +"This kostume is the creashun of Wurth, the maskerline millerner, and +cost 5 thousand dollars. It was 'mported xpressley for the wife of a up +town plummer, but since she sent on her messures, she's been living so +high that the steem derrick, wot she bort a purpose, has utterly failed +to lace her korsets tite enuf for her to get inter the dress. Wile our +representertiv was present, the kostume was purchased by the wife of +the milyun-hair editur, of the Sarrytoga _Eagle_ for 48 hundred dollars +cash. + +"A sweeter'an-a-peech littel dudine, informed us, in reply to our +questshuns, that jurseys, would be worn dubbel brested behind. That the +regulashun bussel wuld containe at least six New York _Heralds_, covered +over with a Texas _Siftins_, for the bennyfit of the occupants of the +church pue, in the reer of the warer. That crin-nylines wuld average +4 feet, six inches, in diameter, and wuld be pervided with the new +anti-ankel-xposin spiral springs. That basks wuld be cut very low, and +filled in with gripher lace. That corsets wuld be pervided with rachets +and set screws, to nabel them to be drawn more titely round the waste. +That owin to the relertiv cheepness of wool, and its qualerty of +xpandin, sted of shrinkin, it wuld ntirely tak the place of cotton as a +indyspenserble adjunct in making up the fashuneebel wimmin. In reply +to our inquisertiv reporters last query, the young ladie blushed way up +b'hind her eers, and xclamed: 'Oh, you horrid noosepaper man! Dont chew +kno, flutin wil allwas remane in stile?' + +"The hoseery department hadn't opened up wen our reporter called, but +he was allowed to inspect it. It is in charge of clurks of the male +persuashun, cos there sposed to kno better than gurls wot'd look best +on the fare purchasers of these indys-penserbel artikels of femmynine +apparal. The latest noveltie reprysents a littel mouse, wots crawled +bout half way up, and got stuck. + +"They are in all cullers, and are desined for weerin in wet & slushy +wether. The're called 'Good Xcuse' Stockins, cos they giv the blushin +weerer a good xcuse, for not gettin her skurts wet & muddy. The mouse +looks orful naturel, and sum of these days, we'll heer of sum gallant +corndocktor of the Ell R. R. gettin a kik in his stummik, for grabbin +hold of one, wile he labers under the impresshun, that he is re-leevin +the fare weerer, of a indyskribeibel aggerney. + +"The neet thing in a hat is a littel bunch of yaller & green velvit, +surmounted by a derminutiv Tommas cat, wots got his back up, and his +tale runnin down the lady's neck. It costs a hundred & fifty dollars, & +the lady's, all say its too sweet for anything. + +"Wimmin's logic is curius enyway. If there all mashed, so bad, on Tommas +cats, Y, in the name of Pennylope Pennyfether, dont they sit up sum +moonlite nite, at a back winder, armed with a dubbel barrel shot gun, +& slugs? Then they'd get a durn site more'an they'd use in a hull +lifetime. This would 'pare to be more senser-abel than payin Lords & +Tailor's 150 dollars for a little insignifercant kitten, wot aint cut +his eye teeth yet." + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + DUMMIE "ADS"--WARNTED, A WIFE, BY THE RELIGUS EDDITUR.-- + THE CLIMAX.--BABYS, BABYS EVERYWERE.--A HORRID RECH.-- + EXPLERNASHUNS AND PACIFERCASHUNS, WITH A TWENTY-FIVE CENTER + AS DESERT. + +Since the big reduckshun in price of the mornin papers, them wot +didnt cum down much hav ben usin all sorts of skeems to keep up their +circulashuns, so yesterday Mr. Gilley desided to run a cuppel of collums +of free wanted advertisin. To start the ball a rollin, he maid me rite +off a lot of dummie wants. I put in most everything I culd think of, +from the soft and luvin pursernel to the big & clumsy steem engine. + +Wen I got down to the oflfis this mornin there was a orful crowd of +wimmin on Park Row, all ranged along the edge of the pavement, with bout +a hundred extra purlice keepin them in singel file. I couldn't for +the life of me imagine wot was up, till I went up steers and seen the +per-sesshun filin in and out the religus edittur's offis dores. Then I +remembered the advertisement I rote, wot red like this: + +"Warnted, a rotund, bucksom, good-lookin and good-natured madin, +suiterbel for a wife. One wot knowes enuf to put on stile & run a +fashernable stablishment. Apply urley at this offis, to the religus +edittur." + +Now, our religus edittur is purty sweet on wimmin enyway, so he tuk it +all in good part, and kissed and hugged every one of em, tellin em he'd +let em kno by letter, wen he'd made his choice. They kep swarmin in all +the mornin, til you'd thot all the wimmin in New York was warntin a +man. Bout 11 o'clock we all notissed sumthing shut out the lite of the +doreway, purty soon it turn'd round and cum in sideways and sung out, +"Oh, were! Oh, were! is the bloomin boy wot warnts a rotund, buxom madin +for his wife?" Then we all tumbeled that she was the Bowry Museum fat +woman, so I pointed to the Religus Edittur. Then she grabbed him up in +her arms, and squeezed him, till you could heer his ribs snappin. Wen +he got black in the face she thot she'd made a mistake, in the man, +and seized hold of Mr. Gilley, so I remembered it was gettin on towards +dinner time. At the dore of the offis I met the quire singer in the +little Church Round the Corner, wot the Religus Edittur's ngaged to, and +she tole me to tell him he was a horrid rech, and she was goin to sue +him for breech of promis, so she was. + +On my way hum to dinner, the manergin edittur overtuk me, and laffed and +sed that was a purty good joke I'd fixed up on the religus edittur. I +told him I didnt meen nothin by it enyway, cos I didnt xpect eny gurl'd +think he was good lookin enuf to marry him. + +Now our mannergin edittur jest got marreed last week, and hee's +bordin at the Metrypollytan hotel. Just fore we got there he giv me a +ten-center, and sed, thats for the laff him and his wife'd hav wen he +tole her bout the joke. + +I guess he got all the laffin he wanted, cos he'd no sooner got inter +the hotel dore, before every man, woman, and child run up to him, and +tride to giv him a baby, wot they sed was his. Baby's was lyin round +permiskusly, all over the desks, floors, and barroom. The rooms, up +stairs, was chock full of baby's. Xtra cots was lade out in the halls, +and every cot, had half a dozen baby's on to it, and every baby had +a card pinned on its does, wot red:--Tom Wilson, Susie Wilson, Paddy +Wilson, Biddy Wilson, and every Wilson you could think of. Eight pages +of the reges-ter was filled with there names, and every page was hedded +with the Editturs own name, John Wilson, Father. + +Wen he got to his own room, he found his wife cryin, lik her heart +was brok. Soon as she cot site of him she let out a shreek wot brot +everybodie in the hotel to there room, and sung out: "John Wilson +youre a monsteer, youre a vaggerbone, youre a rech, youre a inferrnus +skoundrel. Take me back to my mama, rite away, and if youve got a spark +of manhood about you, you'll go and make wot little restertushin you +can, to the mothers of these wurse than orfans." + +Quicker'an litenin, Mr. Wilson tumbelled, and laffin a fiendish grin, he +sung out in axcents wild: "Get me a Gatlin Gun, and lode it down to the +mussle with thirty-leven charges of dannymite, and let me get a shot, at +that incorragerbel imp of Haydes, the _Buster's_ Devil." + +Then carmin down a littel, he took this mornins paper outen his pocket +and red out loud to the crowd: "Wanted; a fine, helthy infant for +adopshun. No questshuns ast. Leeve it at the Metrypolytan hotel for John +Wilson, mannergin edittur _Daily Buster_." + +This put everybodie in good humer agen, and, after settin up the drinks +for the crowd, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson went out to the country to hire +a farm and sum wimmin to take care of the baby's till homes culd be +secured for 'em. + +I guess him and his wife's sickened on baby's enyway, cos I hurd him +tellin the hotel clurk that they'd had all the baby's round them that +they'd ever have, by gumbo. + +And now, Mr. Diry, I must close for to-nite, cos I've got to smoke the +25-center wot the religus edittur giv me for the laff he'd had outer my +joke on Mr. Wilson. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + AT THE MASQUE BALL.--FRIVERLUS FIXINS.--A PARISIEN + GREASETTE, WOT MASHED THE MASKULINE CHARACKTERS.--MR. GILLEY + COT IN HER TOILS.--THE DEVIL IT IS. + +Last nite Mr. Gilley giv me a invyta-shun to the fancy masque ball, wot +all New York's ben torkin bout for the last six weaks. It was to be a +toney affaire, so wen I got hum I went all thru my wardrobe, but culdn't +find nothin fancyer than the cloes I wore wen I painted the back +fense at our house red with green trimmins. I seen they was hardly +prackterkel, cos there was a feint oder of cows & horses clingin to +them wot the heet of the ball room mite develop in a way wot wuldn't +be satisfacktorie to myself or the delercate knoeses of the other +aristocrazey present. + +[Illustration: IT WAS ONY THE WURK OF A MINNIT TO PRY OPEN THE LID ] + +So I put em away with a sy, and had jest bout maid up my mind that the +other ballers wuldn't be treeted to my distingushed presense, wen I +remembered the box of cloes wot our dinin room gal, wot was purty fly, +left, wen she loped with the buggler, & all ma's silver spoons. It was +ony the wurk of a minnit to pry open the lid, and a dazzlin array +of butyful & fancy does met my vishun. Then I shed all my things +and commensed the arduus wurk of dressin. I say arduus, cos it was +parrylisin, discom-fertin, & puzzlin. I useter wonder y ma tuk so long +to dress, wen she was goin eny-where, and pa was swarin and hurryin her +up. Now, I wunder no longer cos I kno how tis myself, and after my own +xperiense in pins, buttins, strings, laces, garters, and things, I shall +ever look upon wimmin as martirs. The dress was jest short enuf to show +my blu striped silk stockins, and bout two inshes of mbroidery. +The stock-ins was a littel too big, so I had to fill em up with +hankercheefs. The waste jest but-tened up on me, at the waste line, but +it tuk half a dozen piller cases, and a cuppel of sheets, to stuff the +upper part of the front. I had to put a reef in crinny line, cos it +showd, and it tuk ma's pach-wurk quilt to mak my bussel big enuf for +stile. + +Wen I was all thru dressin, I looked like a Fifth avenue daysy, +every particle of my dress was complete, only I culdnt set down very +maudestly, cos my hoops was too wide. Then ma she fixed up my hare, and +maid a masque for me, and sed I was a true-ter-life Parisien greassette. + +Soon as I got in the ball-room, every maskerline carackter got mashed on +me, and warnted me for a partner. Every one I dansed with treeted me to +ice creme and carrymels, and I guess, I ete supper bout seventeen times, +in fact I ete so much, that a terrebel strane round my waste, warned +that if I indulged my appytite eny more, a feerful catastrofy, was +lierbel to take place. + +Bout two o'clock I begun to get tired, & warnted to go home, but my +partner, wot was Mr. Gilley, drest in the costum wot he sent me down to +Ike Israel's on Chattam Strete, to hire for him, and wot the Jue sed, +reprysented Tom Okiltree a Texas Briggand, promissed to get a carrage, +and driv me home, if I'd stay till three. I was 'greed, so I dansed +three or four more sets with him, and ete sum more creme. Then he got a +close carrage, & told the driver to drive orful slow, cos he was frade +the moshun of the carrage'd have a bad effect on my nerves. + +Soon as we got started he tuk me on his knee, & got to huggin me round +the piller slips & sheets and kissin my left eer, and gettin otherwise +fermillyer, so I seen the moment had cum for me to be myself, so I +lifted up my masque. Soon as he cot site of my face he xclaimed: "Oh! +the Devil!" + +"Yes, Sir," sez I, "tis the Devil." + +Then, tellin the driver to stop the horses, he lifted up his foot and +gin me a kick wot landed rite on ma's pachwurk quilt, and sed: "Go to +the devil." + +I guess he's mad at me, only he purtends not to be, but that's put +on, cos he's frade I'll gin the hull thing away, and then the religus +edittur and Mr. Wilson'll hav the laff on him. + +The sosighety edittur's report in this mornins _Buster_ says: + +"The Parisien Greasette was conseeded by everybodie present to take +the onhers of belle of the ball. The knowin ones claim that it was Miss +Ellen Terrier, the latest artistick importashun from England, and that +Mr. Vandybilt, as the Texas brig-gand, seen her home. If this is a +fact, there'll likely be sum domestick thunder flyin round in a uptown +manshun." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + THE HORSE REPORTER WANTS A COMPAGNON DE VOYAGE.--THE + STRAPPIN YUNG WIDDER, WOT AIN'T ON THE MASH.--SWEET-FORTY + MAKES A NUTHER MINNYSTEERIAL SKANDAL. + +Our horse reporter is a reglar wimmin hater, and he'd walk round a hull +blok, fore he'd meet a gal, wat'd try to flert with him. I guess he's +a grass widder that used to hav a woman, wot maid him tow a chock line, +and he aint never got no divorse from her yet. His affeckshuns is all +lavished on good lookin horses, and he'd giv more for one of them, than +he wuld for Lillie Lan-kry or the hull curboodel of perfesshunal buties. + +I alwus did think it was a pitty, for a good lookin man like him, not to +hav sum wimmin, wot was brakin there harts, and everything for him, so +this mornin I sent out notes to a cuppel of gals, wot I thot was warntin +to get mashed, tellin them to call at the _Buster_ offis, & ast for +the Horse Reporter, 'cos he was ded struk on them, and warnted there +compinny, on a trip to Boston tonite. + +Bout one 'clock, a grate stout woman, wot looked like a reglar bruisir, +cum inter the offis and enquired for the Horse Reporter. I show'd her +into his room, and shut the dore, just enuf so as I could see all wot +went on. + +"Air yer the spalpeen, wot calls hisself the Maire Reporter? sez she. + +"I am the horse reporter, madame. Has your mare got the glanders?" + +"Me ma got the glanders, yer inserlent puppie, is that fhat yer say? +Me ma wots ben neeth the old sod fer ten yers. Don't cast any +miscomplementry reflecshuns, yung man, on my ma wot dide of +anty-consumpshun, or I'll plant the fore end of me toe nales forninst +the pit of yer stummick in a way wot'll mak yer feel like a he muel had +bruk loose. Air yer the in-dyvidooal wot sent me this invytashun?' sed +she, handin the reporter the note. + +"I assure you, madam," sez he, "there must be some mistak, cos I didn't +never rite this note." + +"Yees didn't, yer rech; is that the way your after crawlin outer it, +after try in to ruin a respectibel widdy like meself? Praps yer don't +think I'm good lookin enuf for yer, yer babby-faced, downey-lipped, +banged-haired, slim-legged, tite-laced, corset-cased, monkey-taled sun +of a noospaper doode. If my Pat was livin he'd giv yer a lessin next +time yer tride to mash a yung widdy like meself, moind that now, will +yer!" + +She hadn't hardly got outer the door wen a tall, lone, lank maidin, wot +had seen bout forty sommers and too numerous to menshun winters, cum +salin in, with a slitely ellyvated skurt wot exposed to vue a couple of +wite and blue shafts wot might have been pipe-stems if they hadn't bin +her ankels. Bowin sweetly to the law reporter, she requested to be shown +into the horse reporter's offis. + +Soon as I'd showd her in she tuk a chare, wot was purty close to the +Horse Reporters, & sed to him: + +"Here I am Georgie, dere. I do feel so nurvus, you kno. I'm so very yung +and inexperienced, and my ma sez a yung and innocent gal lik me ortent +to trust myself to go to Boston with a man. But then, Georgie dere, you +dont look one bit norty. Wont we have a nice time, darlin." Then she +reched over and kissed him rite on his mouth, and blushed wen she sed, +"Don't Georgie, yer orternter kiss me till we're better aquainted." +Kissing him agen she sot rite down on his knee, and ex-clamed, in a +horryfied tone: "You horrid, norty boy, if yer do that again, I'll strik +you with a fether, reel hard, so I will." + +All this time the horse reporter was the pikter of despare. Suddenly +espying a up town divine waitin for the Manergin Edit-tur, in the room +opposite, he sed: "My dere madam, your sweetness is all waisted on me, +cos I'm a marreed man, wot had twins last nite. See, in yonder room, is +the Horse Reporter, the man youre looking for." + +By the time she was on the preechers nee, and was goin thru the kissing +per-formanse, the Horse Reporter had the hull staff, lookin thru the +half opened dore, and the fust day the _Busters_ stock of scandals +runs out, we hav one all reddy, bout the minnysteer kissin the madin of +forty. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + THE DEVIL IN CHURCH.--A TERRIFICK. XPLOSHUN, AND FLYIN + DEBRIS GIVES MR. TALMIG A XCELLENT SUBJECT.--FASHUN AND + STILE OF LONG AGO.--GET THE BEHIND ME SATAN. + +Today is Sunday. I kno I ortenter rite in you today Mr. Diry, but, as +I've had to rite up a serio commick, religus report, I dont see no big +objeckshun ter givin it ter you. + +Urley this mornin, the Religus edittur called up to our house, and +sed he'd giv me a quarter, if I'd go over to Brooklin sted of him, and +report a surmon, cos he warnted to go to the little church round the +corner, and make it up with the quire singer, wot was goin to sue him +for breech of promise. I was 'greed so I went over, and the ushur showd +me inter one of the front seets, and didn't collect no admishun fee +offen me, cos, I guess he knowd I had a ded hed ticket. + +Rite in front of me was a corpulent woman, fatter'an a poorpoise, and +the wife of a Brooklyn alderman. She had a hat on wot was as big as a +punshun hed, wot she kept twistin round, so I couldnt see a thing wot +was goin on on the staige. I guess the woman wayed bout 250 pounds, & +her bussel was as big as a Ellerfants. The case was gettin desprit for +me, cos I'd agreed to bring hum a report of the performanse. The furst +part was jest bout over; the blonde artist was singin a solo, and the +audiense was so interested that they all stood up. I seen the time had +cum for acshun, so I stood a pepper box wot I had in my pocket on the +seet. Soon as the ladie went to sit down, she hadnt calkerlated on eny +obstercal, and didnt try to control her gravytal momentum, so she +cum plump down on top of the pepper box. A loud, roarin sound, then a +terrer-bel xploshun shuk the buildin, and the air was filled with flyin +debris, woman, pieces of cloes, hoopskirt, hat, buttins, little bits of +rubber bussell, strings, and things innumer-abel and unmenshunabel. I +never seen such a reck in all my life. The ladie landed right in front +of the minister, were sum of the quire girls run to her rescue and +kivered her up with shawls, puttin her in a carriage and sendin her +home. Soon as the reck was cleered and order restored, the minister sed: + +"I came here this mornin with no idea upon wot subject I shuld speek, +trustin ontirely to Providense to reveal to the con-gregashun and myself +a sootabel one. You see, my heerers, for yourself, my trustin has not +been in vane. My text will be: 'And Eve bort a Bon Ton System, and +maid herself a fig leef pollynays, cut a la Princesse, and trimmed with +dandylion ruchin and sun-flower brade. Then she fleeced a he ram, and of +the wool thereof she formed a big bussel, and Adam got mashed on her +fine does, and she turned up her knoes at the washerwomans darter wot +didnt have on nothin but a palm leef jursey, wot fit her too soon.' + +"You ladies are all alike, and you get your line of dress, from a purty +long and direct line of ancestry. I dont think a fine dress is a sinful +appendage to eny lady, in fact I like to see a ladie drest well, but +to be drest well, a lady ort not to practise deceit, or act a lie, +for there is such a thing as actin a lie. Now bussils are the devils +perticklar delite, cos there a form of deceit, in fact, I verily beleeve +the devil is in every bussel, and actin on the Biblical advise, the +ladies all say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan.' Hereafter, air balloon +bussles will be considered contraband, in this church, and ladys +suspected of carry in them, will be subject to a serchin, and rigid +xaminashun, before bein admitted." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + ROUTS THE REPUBLERCAN RABBEL.--CAMPANE LIES.--THE DEVIL IN + LEAGUE WITH DEMMERCRAZEY.--GRATE WAS THE FALL THEREOF. + +Tomorrer is eleckshun day, so tonite the Republercans hav been havin +a gran free strete exhybishun. I'll be orful glad wen the eleckshun is +over, 'cos the xcite-ment, & late hours, attendin the campane, is +weerin out my nurves. Jimmy and I hav jest got in Mr. Diry, and I think +paraders are wonderin wot struck em by this time. + +Bout half past seven, the torch lite perrsesshun got together, at Cooper +institute, and began the march up town to Uniyun square were the liars +was to hold forth. There was a norful lot in the persesshun, and sum of +'em had banners, with a pole cat eatin a rooster. I got indignunt, +cos they was ntirely too fresh, so me & Jimmy run on ahed of em, and +sprinkled the strete with torpedoes wot we bort a purpose. + +You'd dide to seen em marchin rite on to 'em, singing out "Down with +Gilley and the wiskey suckin demmercrazey." Soon as they stepped on sum +torpedoes, they didn't wate for marchin orders. Cos there was a norful +noise, like the demmycrazey was in leegue with the subterrainon bosses, +and they was celebratin there indypendense day. + +I was sorry to see them disband, cos they looked sorter purty, and the +band wot they had in the persesshun maid things lively. + +They had a big platform erected wot was meant for the big guns of the +partie, to fire off lies and ellyquense from, soon as the persesshun +arrived, so me and Jimmie run up there and wated til the crowd wot had +got dermoreylized arrove, and the speekin begun. The fust speeker wot +held forth, was a clerickel-lookin cus, wot peared to be only bout +twenty-one years old. He give a long descriptshun of wot him and his +partie, had done for the country durin the late unplessantness, when +the oppersishun candydate, Mr. Gilley, was to hum, busy weerin out his +pettycotes. This made me madder'an durnashun, cos I knowd the feller wos +lying a reglar baldhedded lie, cos if Mr. Gilley wos weerin pettycotes +wen the war brok out, his pa and ma orter kep on lettin him be a gal, +and then, p'raps, his hare wuldn't all fell out. The peeple didnt pare +to xhibit much inthusyism over the fellers remarks, cos he haled from +out in Oio, and citizens out in such far away and semiuncivylized +states, aint sposed to kno as much as us New Yorkers enyway. A nuther +feller got up and sed: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the eve of a grate +eleckshun. Tomorrer us free men'll go up to the poles and deposit our +ballots inter the box, and thus signify our choice of rulers. Every one +present knoes the disgraceful condishun of the New York Demmycrazey. +Its platform is rotten in every plank. Its leeder Mr. Gilley is the +dubble-extract of rottinness, and the hull rank and file of the party is +in a fit state to be condemned by the fresh meet inspector. How is the +Republican party? Its swete and pure as a new-born baby. Its leeder is +as clene and wite as new milk, and all Hay-dies culdnt find a flaw in +the platform on wich we stand." Just then I guess the devil muster taken +excepshuns to the remarks, cos I'd pulled the rope wot I'd fixed to +the loose leg of the platform, and the hull bisness toppled over the +speekers and vice preserdents of the meetin, presentin a free accrobatic +tumblin show to the amused and interested audiense. All the peepel +wot was present and seen the platform give way are feelin blu +and superstishus, cos there frade the Devil's in leegue with the +Demmercrazey, and I guess there bout rite; aint they, Mr. Diry? + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + ELECKSHUN DAY.--THE DUDES PEDDLIN DEMMERCRATICK TICKETS.-- + THE METHYDISTS GO BACK ON THE G. O. P.--THE DEVIL AS A + PERLITICKEL WIRE-PULLER. + +Mr. Diry, at this ritin, I guess you're safe in hangin out the hemale +chickin, cos all the reports from this city are givin Mr. Gil-ley a +'normous vote, and you bet this devil is feelin proud, cos didnt he +nommernate the Guvner? And bout tomprro nite the hull Statel kno that he +lected him, too. + +I was kep orful busy this mornin till all our repeeters had scored there +votes. Them Republercan fellers is orful trickey, and I had to do sum +tall flyin round wile I was watchin them, so as they wuldnt steel our +repeeters, wot we'd imported a purpose from Jursey and Fillydeify, +and mak em vote in a nother preecinct for there ticket. They call that +kinder business equalizin, but, in this case, it didnt equalize wurth a +cent, cos I told them all that they warnted to keep there eyes on them +fellers wot clamed they was Republercans, cos they was Pinky-ton's +detecktives in disguise tryin to hatch up a case of illegal votin agen +them. That scared em off, so they each took there 2 dollars and skipped +over to Jersey Citty. + +Soon as I got 'em safely off, I seen the Rerpublicans was gettin ahed of +us, so me and Jimmy went down to the offis, and borrered the scientific +editturs 'lectric pen, and rote bout 10,000 notes, addressin them to all +the dudes whose names is in the di-recktary. Then Jimmy went out and got +a lot of other messenger boys to take em round. + +In less than half a hour the stretes of New York and Brooklyn was +crowded with dudes (reel live dudes, livelier than they was ever known +before), peddlin Demmercratick tickets round, and visertin all the +taylors, and barbers, and thretnin to withdraw there custom if they +didn't vote the strate Demmercratick ticket, and elecshunaire for Mr. +Gilley. + +[Illustration: AND ROTE BOUT 10,000 NOTES ] + +I guess I'll have to be round tomorro nite, cos there'll be sum fun, +wen Lillyun cums out the stage dore cos every dude in New York has got a +note wot red like this: + + Sublime adored one--By the immortal sunflower you ware in + your hallered buttin-hole, and the admyrashun you bear your + asthetick frend, vote for Mr. Gilley for Guvner, cos the + delercate purple tint of his perfume absorbent, is quite + too, too, and his long and shaggy Bur-muder-oniyun cullered + locks are jest too delish-us, and placed in the guvermentel + cheer, will do much towards educatin the common hurd, to a + appresheashun of our assthetick tastes. Besides that, I + think the other Candydate, is too much of a 'orridley + 'orrid, common cad. If you will do this much for me, I will + meet you at the stage dore, tomorrer nite. + + Yours, utterly in luv, + + Lillyun Russell, Dudine. + +Then I sent out notes to all the Bank Presidents and clerks, and nost +everyone I culd think of wot had the handlin of other peepels munney. +They wus short and sweet, but sum how they brot out a orful lot of +voters. The notes red like this: + +If you kno wots good for you, you'll vote for Joe Gilley for Guvner. +Remember. From one who knos you as well as you kno yourself. + +All the Methydists got notes from the Conferense Committee, sayin that +they'd discovered that the Republican candydate was a rank infydel, and +advisin them all to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he was goin to donate a big +pile of munney to furrane mis-shuns. + +Every member of the Society of Hen Pecked Husbands, wot is very strong +in New York, was requested by a letter sined by the President to vote +for Mr. Gilley, cos he had it from good authority that the other feller +had greed to order the legislate to pass a bill legalizin the wearin of +the pants by married wimmen. + +Then I sent out a circular to every dout-ful German voter, tellin them +that the Republican candydate, wen he was a boy, had licked a duch +boy biggeran him, and called him a puddin'-hedded, pot-stummicked, +pretzel-thievin' son of a beer drinkin' and sour krout etin' duchman, +and the time had cum for the Gurmans of New York to rebuke at the polls +such a flaygrant insult to the most useful and respeckterbel standby's +of the Nashun, the German cityzens. + +I never seen enything do better in my life. With the excepshun of the +few votes wot the Republercans had fore I got my wurk in, mine captured +the hull cities of New York and Brooklyn, and the beer and wisky +wots ben sent to rural districks, will giv us the hull State by a big +majority. Wen I get big, Mr. Diry, I guess I'll hire myself out for a +perfesshunal pollytickal wire-puller. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + A GLORIOUS VICKTORIE.--THE LICKED CANDYDATE GENERATES BLUE + SULFROUS AIR ON ACCOUNT OF THE ACKSHUN OF HIS PLEGED + SUPPORTERS. + +Xcitement is at fever heet, and tin horns and bonfires is seen and +hurd everywere. We've swep the hull State like a averlanche, and the +Republercan partie is deder'n a dore nale. Me and Joe Gilley is goin +to run this ere Guvment now for a wile, and you bet we'll run her with +discretion, and make a pile. I'm the hero of the Demmercrazy, and John +Kelley giv me and Jimmy a 5 dollar bill a peece, so as we'd have munny +enuf to hav sum fun with, cos Mr. Gilley sez I've ben workin purty hard, +and he guessed I'd better take a rest tomorrer. + +The back strete was lined with dudes to-nite, and every one of them +crowded up to Lillyun wen she cum out the stage dore, but she didn't +speek to eny of them. They wus all purty hot, but they don't regret +the way they voted, cos they have the satysfackshun of knowin that the +Xecutiv Manshun 'll hav a occupant wot has a very asthetick blendin of +cullers in his mak up. + +The Rerpublerkan candy date wot's got licked has gone and got orful mad +at the Methydist Conference and swares, by golly, he'll never donate a +nuther oyster to a church supper, and his remains 'll be smolderin down +b'low 'fore them ungrateful hyppercrites 'll hold a nuther mute soshell +in his house. His wife says she's goin ter sue them for the bord bill +of them hoary hedded old delergates, wots been palmed off on her for the +last fifteen years. She sez she alwuz expected sumthin 'd happen, cos +when the young mens christshun associashun convention cum off, they sent +all the yung and good lookin deler-gates over to Widder Masher's, cross +the street, and didn't giv her eny bodie but a lot of old men, wot was +just walkin round to save funeral xpenses. + +The members of the Society of Henpecked husbands is looking like theyd +been drawd thru a not hole, cos there wives hav ben wearin the pants +again, and given them a taste of dissyplin for votin for a man wot has +as outspoken anty wimmins rites vues as Mr. Gilley. + +I peeped in the windys of sevral banks on my way home, and most all of +the clurks has a scart and hunted look in there eyes, but I guess there +safe, cos the one who knoes, don't kno quite as much as they think he +does. + +The Germans is jubilyant, cos they all helped to rebuke a insult I guess +they wuldn't feel so orful proud of theirselves if they'd hurd John +Kelley and Mr. Gilley talkin bout 'em, jest fore eleckshun, wen they was +considered doutful, and Mr. Gilley sed ------ the Duch. + +Pollytishuns is purty persnickerty, eny-way. I bleive wen I get ter be +a big man I'll start out as a misshunary and devote my 'nurgies to savin +the souls of pollytickel office-seekers and candydates; taint no use +tryin to save there bodies, cos the devil's got a lien on them alreddy. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + HIS HOLY DAY.--PERSONATIN A DUDE MAKES HIM LOSE HIS TRUST IN + GALS.--MARIA GIVES HIM CLENE AWAY.--TERRERBEL REVENGE.-- + HE PROMISES FORGIVENESS ON CERTAIN CONDISHUNS. + +I've lost all conferdense in gals and human nature, lost it all at one +fell swoop. Yesterday I'd ben willin to bet a 20-cent seegar that my +gal, Maria, would 'er lep cross one of the flews of Haydies for me. But +I was deseeved; yes, Mr. Diry, I was wonderfully and terribly deseeved +in her. + +As I told you last nite, me and Jimmy got a holy day to-day and $10 +to spend on havin a good time. So this mornin we drest up in our +Sunday-skule cloes, and went down town to the property shop, and each +bort ourselves a false mustash and canes. Then we went up to the barber +shop and had our hare banged. Wen we was thru you wuldnt ben abel to +tell us from full bludded Englush swells. We was just too too, walkin up +and down Uniyun Square, puffin at our 10-centers, like we owned all New +York and half of Brooklyn. You bet we maid sum mashes on the wimmin. +Bout one clock we sta-shuned ourselves where we'd meet our gals as they +went to skule. Jimmie's gal, Josie, and my Maria run together. Purty +soon they cum long together, laffin and torkin. Then me and Jimmy braced +ourselves up, and as they went by we winked. Josie she winked back, but +Maria she sed orful sweet, "How de do?" so we followed em up. Purty soon +Maria slowed up & sed its a nice day. I told her it was, then I sez if +she wuldnt like to take a walk. She sed "she was greed if Josie'd +go long, cos if they went walkin they'd have to play hookey, and one +darsent do it without the other." + +After sum persuashun, Josie greed to go long, so I offered my arm to +Maria, and we had a big time til bout 5 o'clock. Then we sez to the gals +if they'd like to go to the theater in the evenin, they thot it'd be +or-, ful nice, but they didnt believe there mas wuld trust em to go with +strange gentelmen, cos it wuldnt be rite. I axt her if there wasnt sum +way to fix it. + +Maria sed she guessed she culd tell her ma. Georgie was going to take +her, & then Josie culd say, Georgie had a xtra ticket, & warnted her to +go long, so we greed to meet em, at the corner, bout 7 clock. They +was there on time, all drest up ter kill, and we took em down to +the Standard, and had a big time. Wen the show wos out, we went to a +resterant, & had sum oysters. Wile we was etin them, I axt Maria who the +Georgie was who tuk her out. + +"Oh," sez she, "he's a red hedded devil, wot wurks in the _Buster_ +offis, and aint a bit lik you. Ma likes him, and thinks he's orful +steddy, and she aint frade to let me go eny place with him. He's mashed +on me bad, and thinks I'm in luv with him, so he spends all his munney +on me, and I jest go with him, cos he takes me to ennything wot cums +along. It's fun ter see him, he's so green, and besides, he never fixes +up eny, and I'm gettin most ashamed to be seen on the strete with him." + +[Illustration: THEN I HAWLED OFF MY FALSE MUSTASH ] + +By this time I was feelin purty bad, but I maneged to keep up and make +blieve I was feerful in love with her, and got her to promis never to +go with Georgie agin. I had a bottel of perfume in my pocket, and jest +'fore we left the restyrant, I put sum on the gals handkercheefs, then I +hawled off my false mustash, and soon Maria seen, I was her Georgie, and +begun a cryin lik her hart wuld brak. I felt sorry for her, but I told +her to dry up her eyes. I guess I must giv them the perfume out of the +assyfitity bottel, cos, soon as she rubbed her face you never smelt such +a overpourin smell in all your life, we had to keep em at arms length, +all the way hum, and if we'd ben the Zar of Russher, and Queen Victoria, +combined, the peeple wouldnt hav givin us more room on the side walk. I +felt sorry for them, cos they cryed, and felt so bad, all the way home, +and, if I coulder got close enuf to Maria, without bein smuthered +I'd kissed and made it all up. Its a blessin that her ma and pa's got +catarrh orful bad, or there mite be war in her house. + +I'm goin to send her the follerin note in the morning, and next time I +go to see her I'll fix up a littel, cos a fellow can't blame a girl for +goin back on him if he don't think enuff of her to dress up neet: + + Dear Maria: I was orful greeved by your conduct, but seein + that you're sorry I'll forgive you for all. I'll call round + in a week, wot'll give you time enuf to smell swete agin, if + you're careful to wash often, give yourself lots of air, and + keep plenty of carbollick acid and cloride of lime scattered + round were you are. + + Beleeve me your ever lovin + + Georgie. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + ADVERTISES A ARTICKEL WOT WAS FOUND.--WIMMIN'S WAYS.-- + CLAMED.--IN DURANSE VILE FOR STEELIN A SHALL.--HAPPY + EXPLERNASHUN AND INTERESTIN TABLOW. + +"The lady wot dropped a artickel of warin appairel in the Post Offis, +last even-in, can have them by callin on the Devil at this offis and +provin property." + +The abuv is a advertisement wot I had put in the _Buster_ this mornin, +and all day long I've ben kep busy attendin to the ansurs. The fust +lady wot cum in had dropt a plume outer her hat. She giv me a full +descripshun of it, wot it cost, and said she knowed it was hers wot I'd +found; and then I showed her the artickel and axt her if that was it. +She blushed up orful red, and sailed outer the offis like I'd insulted +her. Yesterday muster ben a orful bad day for wimmin loosin things in +the Post Offis, cos there's bout two hundred ben to the offis. Sum lost +there teeth, uthers there bangs, clokes, slippers, overshoes, gloves, +skurts, hankercheefs, bussels, and most everything wot a woman could +pile on her; and I had to show every one of them the artickel wot was +found, and axt them if that was it, and, curius enuf, every one went off +mad and indignant. On towards nite I was jest beginnin to wonder wether, +in a case like this, onhesty was the best pollysee, or wether it wouldnt +of payed better for me to hav tuk em home to ma; wen a madin ladie, of +doutful age, come in to the offis, and sed: "Yung man, have they got C. +D. marked on the band." I sed: "Yes, marm." + +"Well, they must be mine, cos my name's Carryline Duncan, & I alwus mark +my cloes C. D. for short. I didn't kno I'd lost 'em til I got hum, after +I'd ben down to the Post offis sendin a letter to Tom; that's my feller +wots ben to China for ten yeres." + +Then I giv em to her, and puttin them under her arm, she walked out as +happy as culd be. + +I thot I was thru with my trubbel with wimmin's warin apparel for one +day, so I started hum. I'd ony got to the corner of Spruce street, wen a +grate strappin perliceman cum up to me, and clappin me on the shoulder, +sed: "I've got you, sunny, this time; cum along, now, or I'll be after +makin you." I seen discreshun was the better part of valler, so I let +him leed me. Wen we got to the stashun he preferred a charge of larceny +gainst me. Then they axt me if I had eny bodie wot'd go my bale, so +I got 'em to send for Mr. Gilley. Wen he arrove, he cum up to me, the +teers streem-in down his cheeks, and sed: "Georgie, I'm sorry to see you +in such a posishun, but you'd better pleed gilty, and axe mercy of the +cort, cos they've got a sure case agen you. If you'd ony bin sharp enuf +to hide the property, it wouldn't ben so bad." Jest then the lady wot +the shawl was stole from, come to identerfy it. Mr. Gilley & me was +lookin on. The lady looked orful close, and sed that looked jest like +her shawl, wot was all black, ony this one didn't hav no yaller stanes +on the corner were she dropt the lemon juce on to hers. Mr. Gilley +looked at it close, and purty soon he sed: "Why, Georgie, that's our +offis towl." Then I seen all thru it in a minnit, cos there was the towl +wot I'd been carryin home to get washed, and the per-liceman, seein the +end stickin out from under my cote, and knowin that a black shawl had +been stole, arrested me as the theef. Then they had a big laff, and Mr. +Gilley set em up for the crowd. He sed he knowd I was orful honorary, +but he never culd b'leeve that I'd steel enything. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + THE DELINKENT SUBSCRIBER'S ARISTOCRAZEY IDEAS ON THE + EDITTUR'S DIGESTIV ORGANS.--A NEW WAY TO COLLECT OLD DETS. + +There's a lot of fellers wot hav brown-stone manshuns up town, and +French cooks wot dish em up everything good, from frogs' lim--er--leg +to the posterier xten-shun of a eel's spinal collum, frickerseed, with +mushrum catchup sauce. B'sides that, they've got lots of munney in the +bank, and wuldn't think no more of givin sum Anglo Saxton perfesshunal +beggar a thousand-dollar keepsake than they wuld of let-tin there folks +go to Longbransh or Newport durin the all-fired heeted turm. + +I dont mene, Mr. Diry, that all the welthy people of New York are alike, +but I have refrense to that class of peeple wot are laberin under the +'mpresshun that editoriel stummicks was patented, and bilt speshelly and +xclusivly for the absorpshun and dijestshun of printin-house paste and +wind puddins, with ritin-fluid sauce as a con-dyment and appytizer. +These are the peepel who alwus allow there noosepaper bills to +accummerlate till they dropoff, and the edit-tur gives them a bang-up +introduckshun on there long jurney, in the hope that the adminnysteers +of there estates'll allow his bill Feint hope that is, cos were was the +adminnysteer that was ever known to acknowledge a noosepaper bill as +genwine. They all go on the princerpel "that all editturs is liars, and +all big liars is editturs," and take the same deduckshun, wot is +alwus this: "A bill persented by a liar must be a lie, on its face "; +therefore, it is unallowable. + +The reeson I've ben thus sollykisin, Mr. Diry, is, cos the expenses +of the campane hav ben purty hevvy on Mr. Gilley, and yet havin had a +chanse to dip his fingers inter the State Tressurey, he was run-nin a +littel short of funds. So this afternoon he give me a lot of old bills +to collect. + +I found it purty had work, cos every-bodie 'peared to be perticklar fond +of pay-in all there bills next week. I was gettin diseurraged, and I +didn't like to go back to the offis without no munney, so I thot up a +littel skeem. There was a big flour deeler wot owd a bill of $40, wot'd +got outlored. So I went over to his offis and ast the clurk to tell him +I wanted to see him on pertickler bisness. The clurk sed he was orful +'ngaged, & I'd better call round next week, and praps he'd hav time +to tork to me. I insisted and told him to tell Mr. Paynuthin, that the +bisness wot I warnted to see him on was a matter of immense importanse +to himself. Soon as I got in, I sed: "Mr. Paynuthin, we've got on to +sum very valuabel informashun, wot'll make your fortune, if the other +flourmen don't get it fust. Now, if you'll pay up this bill, I'll giv it +to you at wonce, and you'll get the inside trak on 'em." I seen he was +gettin interested, so I concluded, by sayin: "Now if you don't get this +in-formashun, it may leed to your ruin." He didn't say a wurd, but went +to the safe, and got out the $40, and I receeted the bill, and axt him +for a peece of paper, cos he mite forget it if I didn't rite it down. +Then I wrote in big letters: "Owe no man a cent," and biddin him goodby, +I took a hasty departure. The skeem work'd splendid every place I went, +only at wun old lawyers offis, and he sed: "Yung man, I've been cheetin, +fleecin and beetin everybodie for the last forty years, and there aint +no noosepaper man livin wot can tell me eny eeseier way to mak a +fortune. Git out," and I got. Mr. Gilley says I'm the boss collecttur, +and orter hire myself out to a Mutual Life and Accident Asso-shiashun as +assesment gatherer. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + MINSE PIE AND DREEMS.--TERRIBLE RETRYBUSHUN.--WOT'LL OVER + TAKE A GOOD MENNY.--VIRTUE RECEIVES ITS REWARD. + +I guess the wurry of collecktin yesterday afternoon muster wurked upon +my mind, cos, last nite, I dremt a dreem, wot'd maid each seprate hare +on the heds of every delikent subskriber stand on end, and sing out "Pay +up your noosepaper bill, old feller, if yer dont warnt a skorschin in +the dubius hereafter." + +Ma and Pa was out, cos it was prayer meetin nite at our church, so I +went ter bed urley, cos I was frade wen they cum home, they'd miss the +hull minse pie wot I'd ete. + +I'd just bout got ter sleep, wen I smelt a orful smell, surgestiv of +a straw hat revivin shop, wen they burn sulfir and brimstone, I looked +down and behold, I seen a cort room, with a lot of lawyers and clurks +sittin round a table, and the judge in a pulpit wot over looked them. +The peepel all looked like Barnum's skellyton man, ony they didnt have +no skin over there bones, and there eyes was maid of fire balls and eech +of em had a long tail, like a snake. Purty soon the judge sed the court +was open for bisness, and the sargent at arms brot in a feller all +dressed up with a gold wach and big charm wot I reckernized as one of +our ded beet subskri-bers wot'd dide last weak. + +The judge looked him all over in a com-plermenterry way, and ast him if +he'd alwus lived a onhest and uprite life. + +"Yer onher," sed he, "I've given of my substanse to the poor; I've +luved my nay-bor as myself; I've surved for ten years as Warden of a +fashunubble church, and tride to the best of my knowlege and beleef to +do rite." + +"Yer onher," sed the prosercutin turney, wot I reckernized as the +ex-religio-jurnalistick edittur of a defunckted alliance noosepaper, +"May I ast the prisner a questshun?" + +"You may," sed Judge Satan, for it was his infurnissimo himself. + +"Prisner at the bar," sed the turney, "Did you pay your subskripshun to +the _Buster_ 'fore you checked your baggage thru to Hay dies?" + +"No, sir," sed the prisner, "I did not. I never thot it was perticklar, +cos editturs aint like other mortels, enyway, and I never knowd it was a +sin to beet em if you culd." + +"Yes, sir, yer onher," said the prosercutin 'turney, "he confesses his +gilt, and I find, by lookin over the reckord, he ows the _Buster_ offis +for 8 years' subskripshun besides a hull string of free advertisin wot +the edittur giv him outer goodness of hart. Not only that, but I notis +in the day book that jest wun week 'fore he departed he ordered his +paper stopped, cos he was opposed to surportin', by his munny, a +Dem-mercratick candydate for Guvner. You see, yer onher, there is +nothing left for you but to pass sentense on the prisner." + +"Prisner at the bar," sed the Judge, "this yere cort sentenses you to +hard laber shuvlin' flames at a tempyrature of 6,000 degrees, for 10,000 +yares, durin' all wich time you will sing 'I want to be a angel, And +with the editturs stand!' Shurruf, conduct the prisner to furnace number +561, next to Gittoes." + +Soon as he'd gone, a cullered gentleman was brot in, and in ansur to +there quest-shuns as to his morral standing he sed: + +"Jedge I knoes I'se a hard cityzen, and I've done gone and sinned purty +nigh all the sins wot I know'd of. Steelin' fouls, hookin' nickles outer +the contrybushun box, 'propriatin' millyuns wot I'd no legal rite and +titel to, gettin' converted at camp meetin' so as I culd mash wun of. +them purty sistern, and other offenses too numer-ickel to menshun, but +if this yere cort'U giv this nigger a sho, I'll try to leed a dif-frent +life." + +"Prisner, did you ever tak a noose-paper?" sed the Prosercutin' Turney. + +"Yes, sar; I'se skribed for the _Christshun Advercate_ for 'bout six +yares, and I've payed it up in advanse for most a yare to cum." + +"Bobby, my boy," sed the cort to his rite hand man, "go order the cook, +to kill the fatted ram, and prepare a bang up lay out, cos this here +cullurd brother is a man, molded after my own hart. Shake, my man," +sed he, shovin his rite boney hand to the cullured feller's, "and after +we've feested, and viserted my privat opra house, and taken in the +new skellyton bailey at-trackshuns, I'll driv yer thru my subteranean +domminyuns, fore you tak the xpress for Skie stashun, and you bet you'll +say this here devil aint as bad as he's painted, cos he knoes how to +onher a distingushed guest." + +Then the seen vanished from my vishun, and I woke up, hollerin with +a pane in my programme, and ma had ter get me a dose of brandie and +ginger, outer the flask, wot pa carries, when he goes a fishin. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + AT THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--THE ENGAGEMENT.--FIRE IN THE + SHECARGO UNIYUN DEPOT.--A OFFER FROM JAY GOULD. + +This mornin noose was sorter dull, so the city edittur sent me down to +the Stock Exchange for to write up the anticks of the Bulls and Bares. +Wen I got down there I guess the annymiles hadn't got round, but there +keepers was purty numerous, and made a good deel more noise than they +would theirselves. I was showd up to the visters gallary, so as I +culd get a good vue of the fite wot was goin on tween the grangers and +coalers. The way they do there fitin puts me in mind of wen we use-ter +go to skule, cos they chew up a lot of paper, and make spit balls outer +it, and then paste each other on the eyes with them. Jay Gould is the +name of a littel bit of a feller, he aint much in size, but he's hale +columby wen it comes rite down to spit ball fites, cos he pasted old +Russel Sage and Vandybilt outer ther boots, hittin fare in the eyes +every time. + +Wen they was gettin purty well tired out, a lot of fellers wot was +"hit," cum out, and the other formed rings round them and sung a song +wot sounded like it was maid up of five 8s and three 1/4 s. I shuld +think theyd be ashamed of theirselves, grate big men, spendin there time +playin a game wot Boys, as big as me, wuldn't do for a nickel. I seen +they was disgracin us, New Yorkers, so I thot it was time to put a stop +to it, and bring em down to bisness, so I sung out orful loud: + +"Gintelmin: Thurs a big fire in the Uniyun Depot in Sheecargo." Then +they all looked up to see who was talkin, and reckernized me, as +connected with the _Buster_. You'd dide, to see em flyin round; the +fellers wot do the bullin was purty neer crazey, coverin up there +stocks, with margin's. Stocks come flyin down, like litenin, and the +barish porshun of the compenney, was makin a immense pile of munney. +The country lams wot the Bulls and bares had been fleecin, so as there +wives, & gals culd have wool enuf, to stuff the footstools with, wot +they was makin for Chrissmas boxes, hurd wot I sed, and tumbeled to it, +and sold all the Western trunk stocks. I didn't say nothing till I +seen thay'd got a good deal onter the bulls, then I sung out agen, +"Gentelmen, The big fire wot, I sed, was in the Uniyun Depot, at +Sheecargo, is still burnin fiercely, in the heeter, wots lokated in the +seller." + +I didn't wate to say good by, cos the fire-like gleem wot gleemed at +me from bout a hundred pares of eyes, boded no good for the _Busters_ +devil. + +Wen I got back to the offis a note was watin for me, wot red: + + Dare Devil--You've mistakin your callin. A sensashunalist + like yurself orter stick to the spesshialty bisness. If + you'll quit the noosepa-per perfesshun, I'll form a + syndycate, and run you as a stock hammerer, and gin you half + the proffits. + + Yours very trooly, + + Gould. + +I assure you, Mr. Diry, the temptashun was purty strong, but I thot of +my integrity and princerples, and rote: + + Sur--I prefer my present persisshun of hammerin branes inter + the publick to that of hammerin stocks. Not all the + syndycates of 'Merica wuld temp me to relinquish my + onherabel con-necshuns with the _Dailey Buster_. + + Yours trooly, + + Devil. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + HE CALLS ON MARIA AND PRONOUNSES HER FRAGRANT.--AT A CHURCH + SUPPER.--BENERVOLENSE REWARDED.----A EPPYDEMMICK. + +Last nite I went over to call on Maria. I thot I'd be prepared, so I +washed myself in ma's lavender water, and sprinkeled oh de coloney all +over my does. Wen I nocked at Marias dore, I stepped down off the steps +and wated for her appairanse. At last she cum, and blushed up orful wen +I ast her if it was all rite. She sed she didnt kno, cos she'd got so +used to it she culdnt tell, but she thot it was all rite, cos she'd ben +standin 'tween two open winders for the weak, and if it warnt gone by +this time, she guest it'd stick to her for life. I walked up a littel +closer to her, and sed: "Maria, cum here." She cum, and caushusly and +carefully I put my knoes neer her, and sure enuf I culdnt smell nothin +but a slite oder of cloride of lime and a lingerin of carbollick acid. +Then I kissed her and maid her get fixed up, cos we was goin to report +a oyster supper wot cum off at the U. P. Church. Wen Maria and me got +there most everybodie had ete there plate of hot water, wot the church +wardin'd had settin down on one of the oyster stalls at Fulton Market +for bout a weak, so as it'd inhail a sa very flaver. Soon as Maria and +me had got thru our plate, the 'xcitement begun, and the ladies all brot +round there books for to hav us giv em 10 cents, and put down our names +for a chanse in the one lonesum oyster wot the stew had ben maid of. Wen +the wimmin had fleeced all the fellers outer every cent they had, and +maid em turn there pockets inside out, so as to be sure they warnt tryin +to keep back eny five dollar bills, the preecher got up on a platform +and draw'd a number out of a hat full, wot a littel gal held over her +hed. 'Fore he red out the number, he called on one of the deecons to +offer up a prayer, that the Lord mite open up the hart of the lucky +drawer, to donate the oyster to the church, so as they culd hold a +nuther supper, without incurrin eny more such 'xtravergant 'xpenses. + +Then the minnysteer sed 46 was the number, wot he'd drawed out, and +that it stood oppsite Mr. Wylie's name. Now, Mr. Wylie is a orful rich +banker, and is always donatin things to the church, so he got rite up +and sed, he'd giv it to the good cause. + +Then there was some cheerin' and every body crowded round the gasoline +stove to wach the cook deposit the oyster in a can, so it culd be stovvd +away in the Wardins Buggler proof safe. After delvin round the bottom of +the pot for sum time the ladel cum up, with its assthetick freight, the +black and green speckled tode, wot I'd slipped inter the stue, wile the +prayer was goin up. + +Sumthin muster ben Eppydemic in that church, cos everybodie, xceptin me +and Maria, got to coffin and spuein up, and prayin Good Lord deliver us. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + THE DEVIL'S OCCUPASHUN GONE.--POLLYTISHUN OR JURNERLIST.-- + PLANS FOR THE FUTURE.--ADDYOU. + +I aint no devil no more, cos this mornin Mr. Gilley informed me that I +was gettin too big for my persishun, and he'd hired a nuther boy to +act as the _Busters_ Devil. He sez I can fuie round and act in the +cuppaserty of missellaneus reporter, and rite up eny thing I think wurth +wile, till it was time for us to go to Albanie and get inaugerated. Then +he'd warnt me to act as his Privat Seckertery, cos he knowed I had his +interest at hart, and was discrete enuf not to give him away. + +I don't kno yet wether I'd better axcept his offer to become a +pollytishun, cos I've got my mind set on the jurnerlistick perfesshun, +and its bout the eesiest way to mak a fortune and a name wot I culd get. + +I'll think over the matter, Mr. Diry, and if I can't get a situashun +as a Washinton gossipper or a job on the _Herald_, to rite up the +abberiginies of Cannadey, I may go on to Albanie, and rite up all the +triks of the pollytishuns, jest to keep myself in pracktiss til we go +outer offis. + +I must close, Mr. Diry, cos I'm goin down to the hotel to intervue +Curnel Bob, Ingysoll, and see if a feller like me wuldn't stand sum +sho to make munny and a big name, if he was to start out as a "genuine +devil" brok loose from Haydies. + + And you, mister, remember if I ain't no longer a + typergraffickal devil, I still am, + + Yours trooly, + + Georgie. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Bad Boy At Home, by Walter T. 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