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diff --git a/25129.txt b/25129.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dbbddb --- /dev/null +++ b/25129.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5859 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Baboo Jabberjee, B.A. + +Author: F. Anstey + +Release Date: April 22, 2008 [EBook #25129] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A. *** + + + + +Produced by David Clarke, Carolyn Bottomley and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: Italicized text is indicated with _underscores_. +Upright text used within italicized passages for emphasis is indicated +with ~tildes~. Inconsistencies in "Shakspeare" spellings have been +retained, but obvious errors have been corrected and are listed at the +end of this document.] + + +[Illustration: Frontispiece _"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED +GENTLEMEN."_] + + +BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A. + + +F. Anstey + + +THE WAYFARER'S LIBRARY + +J. M. DENT & SONS, Ltd. + LONDON + + +CONTENTS + + PAGE + +I + +_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his + work; sundry confidences, criticisms, and complaints._ 1 + +II + +_Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the + Westminster Play._ 9 + +III + +_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureateship._ 18 + +IV + +_Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters._ 24 + +V + +_In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on + Bicycling as a Pastime._ 33 + +VI + +_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._ 42 + +VII + +_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something + very like a Whale._ 50 + +VIII + +_How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' + Debating Club._ 60 + +IX + +_How he saw the practice of the University Crews, + and what he thought of it._ 69 + +X + +_Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight._ 75 + +XI + +_Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme + delicacy._ 80 + +XII + +_Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise._ 88 + +XIII + +_Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations + in a Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that + Mr Jabberjee failed to understand._ 96 + +XIV + +_Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An + invitation to a Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with + what he thought of the ceremony, and how he distinguished + himself on the occasion._ 105 + +XV + +_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour + of his betrothed. His doubts concerning the social + advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing + remarks upon ambitious pretenders. He goes out to dinner, + and meets a person of some importance._ 114 + +XVI + +_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of + Shakespeare._ 125 + +XVII + +_Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, + with the explanation of such apparent indiscretion._ 135 + +XVIII + +_Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses._ 138 + +XIX + +_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India + Office and sympathetic reception._ 146 + +XX + +_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, + but is less successful in other respects. He writes + another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he + anticipates the happiest results._ 155 + +XXI + +_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._ 164 + +XXII + +_Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a + solicitor--with certain reservations._ 173 + +XXIII + +_Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes + his preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic + sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary + outburst of disloyalty--to which no serious importance + need be attached._ 182 + +XXIV + +_Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors._ 190 + +XXV + +_Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his + experiences on a Scotch Moor, greatly to his own + glorification._ 199 + +XXVI + +_Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. + How he secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which + he presented it to his divinity._ 207 + +XXVII + +_Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, + thereby affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit + of his personal assistance. An apparent attempt to pack + the Jury._ 216 + +XXVIII + +_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee + in Court during the proceedings._ 225 + +XXIX + +_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ + Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._ 235 + +XXX + +_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard). Mr Jabberjee + finds cross-examination much less formidable than he had + anticipated._ 245 + +XXXI + +_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant + brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and + Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply._ 255 + +XXXII + +_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which + many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened + resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._ 265 + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + PAGE + +_"Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."_ _Frontispiece_ + +_Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A._ viii + +_"Let out! Let out!!"_ 5 + +_"A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose."_ 15 + +_"Miss Jessimina Mankletow."_ 25 + +_"I instantaneously endured the total upset!"_ 37 + +_"With a large, stout constable."_ 47 + +_"Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger."_ 51 + +_"A weedy, tall male gentleman."_ 61 + +_"A beaming simper of indescribable suavity."_ 81 + +_"I became once more the silent tomb."_ 91 + +_"In garbage of unparagoned shabbiness."_ 99 + +_"The spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the + returned Shahzadar."_ 107 + +_"Some haughty masculine might insult her under + my very nose."_ 115 + +_"It was here," I said, reverently, "that the swan of + Avon was hatched!"_ 129 + +_"Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye."_ 141 + +_"Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"_ 151 + +_"Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"_ 157 + +_"A royal command from the Queen-Empress."_ 169 + +_"Would be greatly improved by the simple addition + of some knee-caps."_ 179 + +_"I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a + 'Blooming Blacky!'"_ 187 + +_"Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance."_ 191 + +_"I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the + fairylike Miss Wee-Wee."_ 203 + +_"Whether he had wha-haed wi' hon'ble Wallace?"_ 209 + +_Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram._ 219 + +_"Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped."_ 227 + +_Mr Justice Honeygall._ 237 + +_Witherington, Q.C._ 247 + +_"Jabberjee's face gradually lengthens."_ 261 + + +The text and illustrations of this book are reproduced by kind +permission of the Proprietors of _Punch_. + +[Illustration: _Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A._] + + + + +INTRODUCTORY LETTER FROM BABOO JABBERJEE. + +_To the Hon'ble ---- Punch._ + +VENERABLE AND LUDICROUS SIR.--Permit me most respectfully to bring +beneath your notice a proposal which I serenely anticipate will turn up +trumps under the fructifying sunshine of your esteemed approbation. + +Sir, I am an able B.A. of a respectable Indian University, now in this +country for purposes of being crammed through Inns of Court and Law +Exam., and rendering myself a completely fledged Pleader or Barrister in +the Native Bar of the High Court. + +Since my sojourn here, I have accomplished the laborious perusal of your +transcendent and tip-top periodical, and, hoity toity! I am like a duck +in thunder with admiring wonderment at the drollishness and jocosity +with which your paper is ready to burst in its pictorial department. +But, alack! when I turn my critical attention to the literary contents, +I am met with a lamentable deficiency and no great shakes, for I note +there the fly in the ointment and _hiatus valde deflendus_--to wit the +utter absenteeism of a correct and classical style in English +composition. + +To the highly educated native gentleman who searches your printed +articles, hoping fondly to find himself in a well of English pure and +undefiled, it proves merely to fish in the air. Conceive, Sir, the +disgustful result to one saturated to the skin of his teeth in best +English masterpieces of immaculate and moderately good prose extracts +and dramatic passages, published with notes for the use of the native +student, at weltering in a hotchpot and hurley-burley of arbitrarily +distorted and very vulgarised cockneydoms and purely London +provincialities, which must be of necessity to him as casting pearls +before a swine! + +And I have the honour to inform you of a number of cultivated lively +young native B.A.'s, both here and in my country, who are quite capable +to appreciate really fine writing and sonoriferous periods if published +in your paper, and which would infallibly result in a feather in your +cap and bring increase of grit to the mill. + +If, Honoured Sir, you feel disposed to bolster yourself up with the wet +blanket of a _non possumus_, and reply to me that your existing +quill-drivers are too fat-witted and shallow-pated for the production of +more pretentiously polished lucubrations--aye, not even if they burn the +night-light oil and hear the chimes at midnight! I will not be +hoodwinked by the superficiality of your _cui bono_, and shall make you +the answer that I am willing _for an exceedingly paltry honorarium_ to +rush into the Gordian knot and write you the most superior essays on +every conceivable and inconceivable subject under the sun, as per +enclosed samples which I forward respectfully for your delightful and +golden opinions, guaranteeing faithfully that all of your readers in +every hemisphere and postal district will fall in love with such a new +departure and fresh tack. + +The specimens I send are _not my best_, only very ordinary and humdrum +affairs--but _ex pede Herculem!_ Hon'ble Sir, and you will see how +transcendentally superior are even such poor effusions compared to the +fiddle-faddle and gim-crack style of article with which you are being +fobbed off by puzzle-headed and self-opiniated nincompoops. + +I can also turn out rhymed poetry after models of Poets TENNYSON, +COWPER, Mrs HEMANS, SOUTHEY, & Co., _done to a tittle_, so as not to be +detected, even by the cynosure, as mere spurious imitation, but in every +respect up to the mark and the real Simon Pure. + +Therefore, Hon'ble Sir, do not hesitate to strike while the iron is +incandescent and bleed freely, even if it should be necessary, prior to +engaging your humble petitioner's services, to turn out one or more of +your present contributioners crop and heels, and lay them on the shelf +of their own incompetencies. Remember that the slightest act of volition +on your part can exalt my pecuniary status to the skies, as well as +confer distinguished and unparagoned ennoblement upon your _cacoethes +scribendi_. + +I remain, respected Sir, Your most obsequious Servant, + + HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A. + +P.S. and N.B.--Being so unacquainted with the limner's art, I cannot _at +present_ undertake the etching of caricatures _et hoc genus omne_. +However, if such is your will, Hon'ble Sir, I will take the cow by the +horns, after preliminary course of instruction at Government Art School, +all expenses, &c., to be defrayed on the nail out of your purse of +Fortunatus, seeing that your esteemed correspondent is so hard up +between two stools that he is reduced to a choice of Hodson's Horse! + +H. B. J. + + + + +[Illustration: banner] + + +I + +_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his + work; sundry confidences, criticisms and complaints._ + + +When I first received intimation from the supernal and spanking hand of +Hon'ble _Mr Punch_, that he smiled with fatherly benignity at my humble +request that he should offer myself as a regular poorly-paid +contributor, I blessed my stars and was as if to jump over the moon for +jubilation and sprightfulness. + +But, heigh-ho! _surgit amari aliquid_, and his condescending patronage +was dolefully alloyed with the inevitable dash of bitters which, as Poet +SHAKSPEARE remarks, withers the galled jade until it winces. For with an +iron heel has Hon'ble _Mr P._ declined sundry essays of enormous length +and importance, composed in Addisonian, Johnsonian, and Gibbonian +phraseology on assorted topics, such as "Love," "Civilisation," +"Matrimony," "Superstition," "Is Courage a Virtue, or _Vice Versa_?" and +has recommended me instead to devote my pen to quite ephemeral and +fugacious topics, and merely commit to paper such reflections, critical +opinions, and experiences as may turn up in the potluck of my daily +career. + +What wonder that on reading such a _sine qua non_ and ultimatum my _vox +faucibus haesit_ and stuck in my gizzard with bashful sheepishness, for +how to convulse the Thames and set it on fire and all agog with +amazement at the humdrum incidents of so very ordinary an existence as +mine, which is spent in the diligent study of Roman, Common, +International, and Canonical Law from morn to dewy eve in the +lecture-hall or the library of my inn, and, as soon as the shades of +night are falling fast, in returning to my domicilium at Ladbroke Grove +with the undeviating punctuality of a tick? + +However, being above all things desirous not to let slip the golden +opportunity and pocket the root of all evil, I decided to let my +diffidence go to the wall and boldly record every jot and tittle, +however humdrum, with the critical reflections and censorious +observations arising therefrom, remembering that, though the fabulous +and mountain-engendered mouse was no doubt at the time considered but a +fiasco and flash in the pan by its maternal progenitor, nevertheless +that same identical mouse rendered yeomanry services at a subsequent +period to the lion involved in the compromising intricacies of a +landing-net! + +Benevolent reader, _de te fabula narratur_. Perchance the mousey +bantlings of my insignificant brain may nibble away the cords of +prejudice and exclusiveness now encircling many highly respectable +British lions. Be not angry with me therefore, if in the character of a +damned but good-natured friend, I venture on occasions to "hint dislike +and hesitate disgust." + +The majestic and magnificent matron, under whose aegis I reside for rs. +20 per week, is of lofty lineage, though fallen from that high estate +into the peck of troubles, and compelled (owing to severely social +disposition) to receive a number of small and select boarders. + +Like _Jepthah_, in the play of _Hamlet_, she has one fair daughter and +no more, a bewitching and well-proportioned damsel, as fine as a +fivepence or a May-day queen. Notwithstanding this, when I summon up my +courage to address her, she receives my laborious politeness with a +cachinnation like that of a Cheshire cheese, which strikes me all of a +heap. Her female parent excuses to me such flabbergasting demeanour on +the plea that her daughter is afflicted with great shyness and maidenly +modesty, but, on perceiving that she can be skittish and genial in the +company of other masculines, I am forced to attribute her +contumeliousness to the circumstance that I am a native gentleman of a +dark complexion. + +In addition, I have the honour to inform you of further specimens of +this inurbanity and bearishness from officials who are perfect strangers +to the writer. Each morning I journey through the subterranean bowels of +the earth to the Temple, and on a recent occasion, when I was +descending the stairs in haste to pop into the train, lo and behold, +just as I reached the gate, it was shut in my nose by the churlishness +of the jack-in-office! + +At which, stung to the quick at so unprovoked and unpremeditated an +affront, I accosted him severely through the bars of the wicket, +demanding sarcastically, "Is _this_ your boasted British Jurisprudence?" + +The savage heart of the Collector was moved by my expostulation, and he +consented to open the gate, and imprint a perforated hole on my ticket; +but, alack! his repentance was a day after the fair, for the train had +already taken its hook into the Cimmerian gloom of a tunnel! When the +next train arrived, I, waiting prudently until it was quiescent, stepped +into a compartment, wherein I was dismayed and terrified to find myself +alone with an individual and two lively young terriers, which barked +minaciously at my legs. + +[Illustration: "LET OUT! LET OUT!!"] + +But I, with much presence of mind, protruded my head from the window, +vociferating to those upon the platform, "Let out! Let out!! Fighting +dogs are here!!!" + +And they met my appeal with unmannerly jeerings, until the controller of +the train, seeing that I was firm in upholding my dignity of British +subject, and claiming my just rights, unfastened the door and permitted +me to escape; but, while I was yet in search of a compartment where +no canine elements were in the manger, the train was once more in +motion, and I, being no daredevil to take such leap into the dark, was a +second time left behind, and a loser of two trains. Moreover, though I +have written a humbly indignant petition to the Hon'ble Directors of the +Company pointing out loss of time and inconvenience through incivility, +and asking them for small pecuniary compensation, they have assumed the +rhinoceros hide, and nilled my request with dry eyes. + +But I shall next make the further complaint that, even when making every +effort to do the civil, the result is apt to kill with kindness; and--as +King CHARLES THE FIRST, when they were shuffling off his mortal coil, +politely apologised for the unconscionable long time that his head took +to decapitate--so I, too, must draw attention to the fact that the +duration of formal ceremonious visits, is far too protracted and long +drawn out. + +_Crede experto._ A certain young English gentleman, dwelling in the +Temple, whose acquaintance I have formed, earnestly requested that I +should do him the honour of a visit; and recently, wishing to be hail +fellow well met, I presented myself before him about 9.30 A.M. + +He greeted me with effusion, shaking me warmly by the hand, and begging +me to be seated, and making many inquiries, whether I preferred India +to England, and what progress I was making in my studies, &c., and so +forth, all of which I answered faithfully, to the best of my abilities. + +After that he addressed me by fits and starts and _longo intervallo_, +yet displaying so manifest and absorbent a delight in my society that he +could not bring himself to terminate the audience, while I was to +conceal my immense wearisomeness and the ardent desire I had conceived +to leave him. + +And thus he detained me there hour after hour, until five minutes past +one P.M., when he recollected, with many professions of chagrin, that he +had an appointment to take his tiffin, and dismissed me, inviting me +cordially to come again. + +If, however, it is expected of me that I can devote three hours and a +half to ceremonial civilities, I must respectfully answer with a _Nolo +episcopari_, for my time is more precious than rubies, and so I will beg +not only Mr MELLADEW, Esq., Barrister-at-law, but all other Anglo-Saxon +friends and their families, to accept this as a _verbum sap._ and wink +to a blind horse. + + + + +II + +_Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the + Westminster Play._ + + +Being forearmed by editorial beneficence with ticket of admission to +theatrical entertainment by adolescent students at Westminster College, +I presented myself at the scene of acting in a state of liveliest and +frolicsome anticipation on a certain Wednesday evening in the month of +December last, about 7.20 P.M. + +At the summit of the stairs I was received by a posse of polite and +stalwart striplings in white kids, who, after abstracting large circular +orifice from my credentials, ordered me to ascend to a lofty gallery, +where, on arriving, I found every chair pre-occupied, and moreover was +restricted to a prospect of the backs of numerous juvenile heads, while +expected to remain the livelong evening on the tiptoe of expectation and +Shank's mare! + +This for a while I endured submissively from native timidity and +retirement, until my bosom boiled over at the sense of "_Civis Romanus +sum_," and, descending to the barrier, I harangued the wicket-keeper +with great length and fervid eloquence, informing him that I was +graduate of high-class Native University after passing most tedious and +difficult exams with fugitive colours and that it was injurious and +deleterious to my "_mens sana in corpore sano_" to remain on legs for +some hours beholding what I practically found to be invisible. + +But, though he turned an indulgent ear to my quandary, he professed his +inability to help me over my "_pons asinorum_," until I ventured to play +the ticklish card and inform him that I was a distinguished +representative of Hon'ble _Punch_, who was paternally anxious for me to +be awarded a seat on the lap of luxury. + +Then he unbended, and admitted me to the body of the auditorium, where I +was conducted to a coign of vantage in near proximity to members of the +fair sex and galaxy of beauty. + +Thus, by dint of nude gumption, I was in the bed of clover and seventh +heaven, and more so when, on inquiry from a bystander, I understood that +the performance was taken from Mr TERRISS'S Adelphi Theatre, which I had +heard was conspicuous for excellence in fierce combats, blood-curdling +duels, and scenes in court. And I narrated to him how I too, when a +callow and unfledged hobbardyhoy, had engaged in theatrical +entertainments, and played such parts in native dramas as heroic +giant-killers and tiger slayers, in which I was an "_au fait_" and +"_facile princeps_," also in select scenes from SHAKSPEARE'S play of +_Macbeth_ in English and being correctly attired as a Scotch. + +But presently I discovered that the play was quite another sort of +Adelphi, being a jocose comedy by a notorious ancient author of the name +of TERENCE, and written entirely in Latin, which a contiguous damsel +expressed a fear lest she should find it incomprehensible and obscure. I +hastened to reassure her by explaining that, having been turned out as a +certificated B.A. by Indian College, I had acquired perfect familiarity +and nodding acquaintance with the early Roman and Latin tongues, and +offering my services as interpreter of "_quicquid agunt homines_," and +the entire "_farrago libelli_," which rendered her red as a turkeycock +with delight and gratitude. When the performance commenced with a scenic +representation of the Roman Acropolis, and a venerable elderly man +soliloquising lengthily to himself, and then carrying on a protracted +logomachy with another greybeard--although I understood sundry +colloquial idioms and phrases such as "_uxorem duxit_," "_carum mihi_," +"_quid agis?_" "_cur amat?_" and the like, all of which I assiduously +translated _viva voce_--I could not succeed in learning the reason why +they were having such a snip-snap, until the interval, when the lady +informed me herself that it was because one of them had carried off a +nautch-girl belonging to the other's son--which caused me to marvel +greatly at her erudition. + +I looked that, in the next portion of the performance, I might behold +the nautch-girl, and witness her forcible rescue--or at least some +saltatory exhibition; but, alack! she remained _sotto voce_ and +hermetically sealed; and though other characters, in addition to the +elderly gentlemen, appeared, they were all exclusively masculine in +gender, and there was nothing done but to converse by twos and threes. +When the third portion opened with a long-desiderated peep of +petticoats, I told my neighbour confidently that now at last we were to +see this dancing girl and the abduction; but she replied that it was not +so, for these females were merely the mother of the wife of another of +the youths and her attendant ayah. And even this precious pair, after +weeping and wringing their hands for a while, vanished, not to appear +again. + +Now as the entertainment proceeded, I fell into the dumps with +increasing abashment and mortification to see everyone around me, ay, +even the women and the tenderest juveniles! clap the hands and laugh in +their sleeves with merriment at quirks and gleeks in which--in spite of +all my classical proficiency--I could not discover _le mot pour rire_ or +crack so much as the cream of a jest, but must sit there melancholy as a +gib cat or smile at the wrong end of mouth. + +For, indeed, I began to fear that I had been fobbed off with the +smattered education of a painted sepulchre, that I should fail so +dolorously to comprehend what was plain as a turnpike-staff to the +veriest British babe and suckling! + +However, on observing more closely, I discovered that most of the +grown-up adults present had books containing the translation of all the +witticisms, which they secretly perused, and that the feminality were +also provided with pink leaflets on which the dark outline of the plot +was perspicuously inscribed. + +Moreover, on casting my eyes up to the gallery, I perceived that there +were overseers there armed with long canes, and that the small youths +did not indulge in plaudations and hilarity except when threatened by +these. + +And thereupon I took heart, seeing that the proceedings were clearly +veiled in an obsolete and cryptic language, and it was simply matter of +rite and custom to applaud at fixed intervals, so I did at Rome as the +Romans did, and was laughter holding both his sides as often as I beheld +the canes in a state of agitation. + +I am not unaware that it is to bring a coal from Newcastle to pronounce +any critical opinion upon the ludibrious qualities of so antiquated a +comedy as this, but, while I am wishful to make every allowance for its +having been composed in a period of prehistoric barbarity, I would still +hazard the criticism that it does not excite the simpering guffaw with +the frequency of such modern standard works as _exempli gratia_, _Miss +Brown_, or _The Aunt of Charley_, to either of which I would award the +palm for pure whimsicality and gawkiness. + +Candour compels me to admit, however, that the conclusion of the +Adelphi, in which a certain magician summoned a black-robed, +steeple-hatted demon from the nether world, who, after commanding a +minion to give a pickle-back to sundry grotesque personages, did +castigate their ulterior portions severely with a large switch, was a +striking amelioration and betterment upon the preceding scenes, and +evinced that TERENCE possessed no deficiency of up-to-date facetiousness +and genuine humour; though I could not but reflect--"_O, si sic omnia!_" +and lament that he should have hidden his _vis comica_ for so long under +the stifling disguise of a _serviette_. + +I am a beggar at describing the hurly-burly and most admired disorder +amidst which I performed the descent of the staircase in a savage +perspiration, my elbows and heels unmercifully jostled by a dense, +unruly horde, and going with nose in pocket, from trepidation due to +national cowardice, while the seething mob clamoured and contended for +overcoats and hats around very exiguous aperture, through which +bewildered custodians handed out bundles of sticks and umbrellas, in +vain hope to appease such impatience. Nor did I succeed to the recovery +of my hat and paraphernalia until after twenty-four and a half minutes +(Greenwich time), and with the labours of Hercules for the golden +fleece! + +[Illustration: "A GOLDEN-HEADED UMBRELLA, FRESH AS A ROSE."] + +For which I was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance and +claim for indemnity to some pundit in authority; but perceiving that by +such fishing in troubled waters I was the gainer of a golden-headed +umbrella, fresh as a rose, I decided to accept the olive branch and bury +the bone of contention. + + + + +III + +_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the + Laureateship._ + + +It is "_selon les regles_" and _rerum natura_ that the QUEEN'S Most +Excellent Majesty, being constitutionally partial to poetry, should +desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip-top genius, +to be kept snug on Royal premises and ready at momentary notice to +oblige with song or dirge, according as High Jinks or Dolorousness are +the Court orders of the day. + +But how far more satisfactory if Right Hon'ble Marquis SALISBURY, +instead of arbitrarily decorating some already notorious bard with this +"_cordon bleu_" and thus gilding a lily, should throw the office open to +competition by public exam, and, after carefully weighing such +considerations as the applicant's _res angusta domi_, the fluency of his +imagination, his nationality, and so on--should award the itching palm +of Fame to the poet who succeeded best in tickling his fancy! + +Had some such method been adopted, the whole Indian Empire might to-day +have been pleased as _Punch_ by the selection of a Hindoo gentleman to +do the job--for I should infallibly have entered myself for the +running. Unfortunately such unparalleled opportunity of throwing soup to +Cerberus, and exhibiting colour-blindness, has been given the slip, +though the door is perhaps still open (even at past eleven o'clock P.M.) +for retracing the false step and web of Penelope. + +For I would respectfully submit to Her Imperial Majesty that, in her +duplicate capacity of Queen of England and Empress of India, she has +urgent necessity for a Court Poet for each department, who would be +_Arcades ambo_ and two of a trade, and share the duties with their +proportionate pickings. + +Or, if she would be unwilling to pay the piper to such a tune, I alone +would work the oracle in both Indian and Anglo-Saxon departments, and +waive the annual tub of sherry for equivalent in cash down. + +And, if I may make the suggestion, I would strongly advise that this +question of my joint (or several) appointment should be severely taken +up by London Press as matter of simple justice to India. This is without +prejudice to the already appointed Laureate as a swan and singing bird +of the first water. All I desire is that the Public should know of +another--and, perchance, even rarer--avis, who is _nigroque simillima +cygno_, and could be obtained dog cheap for a mere song or a drug in the +marketplace, if only there is made a National Appeal to the Sovereign +that he should be promoted to such a sinecure and _aere perennius_. + +As a specimen of the authenticity of my divine flatulence, please find +inclosed herewith copy of complimentary verses, written by myself on +hearing of Poet AUSTIN'S selection. Indulgence is kindly requested for +very hasty composition, and circumstance of being greatly harrowed and +impeded at time of writing by an excruciating full sized boil on back of +neck, infuriated by collar of shirt, poulticings, and so forth. + + + CONGRATULATORY ODE + +_To Hon'ble Poet-Laureate Alfred Austin, Esq._ + + Hail! you full-blown tulip! + Oh! when the wheezing zephyr brought glad news + Of your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse, + Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at, + To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate! + For no _poeta nascitur_ who is fitter + To greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter. + Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium, + Far away, far away from fuliginous busy hum + You are now perched with phenomenal velocity + On vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity! + Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petition + Of one consumed by corresponding ambition, + And lend the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley, + To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali! + Whose _ars poetica_ (as per sample lyric) + Is fully competent to turn out panegyric. + What if some time to come, perhaps not distant, + You were in urgent need of Deputy-Assistant! + For two Princesses might be confined simultaneously-- + Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously? + Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy! What a fix + If with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks! + In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly, + Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly, + By an _epithalamium_ (or what not) to inflame your credit + With every coronated head that will have read it! + And the _quid pro quo_, magnificent and grand Sir! + Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza, + Now, thou who scale sidereal paths afar dost, + Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dust + Upon + The head of him + Whose fate depends + On Thee! + +(_Signed_) BABOO HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE. + + +The above was forwarded (_post-paid_) to Hon'ble AUSTIN'S official +address at Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey (opposite the Royal +Aquarium), but--hoity-toity and _mirabile dictu!_--no answer has yet +been vouchsafed to yours truly save the cold shoulder of contemptuous +inattention! + +What a pity! Well-a-day, that we should find such passions of envy and +jealousy in bosom of a distinguished poet, whose lucubrated productions +may (for all that is known to the present writer) be no great shakes +after all, and mere food for powder! + +The British public is an ardent lover of the scintillating jewellery of +fair play, and so I confidently submit my claims and poetical +compositions to be arbitrated by the unanimous voice of all who +understand such articles. + +Let us remember that it is never too late to pull down the fallen idol +out of the gilded shrine in which it has established itself with the +egotistical isolation of a dog with the mange! + + + + +IV + +_Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old + Masters._ + + +I have the honour to report that the phantom of delight has recently +recommenced to dance before me. + +[Illustration: "MISS JESSIMINA MANKLETOW."] + +Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW, the perfumed, moony-faced daughter of the +gracious and eagle-eyed goddess who presides over the select boarding +establishment in which I am resident member, has of late emerged from +the shell of superciliousness, and brought the beaming eye of +encouragement to bear upon my diffidence and humility. + +This I partly attribute to general impression--which I do not condescend +to deny--that, at home, I occupy the social status of a Rajah, or some +analogous kind of big native pot. + +So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, she invited me to escort her and a +similar young virginal lady friend, by name Miss PRISCILLA PRIMMETT, to +Burlington House, Piccadilly, and, as _Prince Hamlet_ appositely +remarks, "Look here upon this picture and on this." Which I joyfully +accepted, being head-over-heels in love with Art, and the possessor of +two magnificent coloured photo-lithographs, representing a +steeplechase in the act of jumping a trench, and a water-nymph in the +very _decollete_ undress of "_puris naturalibus_," weltering on a rushy +bed. + +We proceeded thither upon the giddy summit of a Royal Oak omnibus, and +on arriving in the vestibulum, were peremptorily commanded to undergo +total abstinence from our umbrellas. + +Being accompanied by the span-new silken affair with the golden head, +which, as I have narrated _supra_, I was so lucky to obtain +promiscuously after witnessing the Adelphi of the Westminster college +boys, I naturally protested vehemently against such arbitrary and +tyrannical regulations, urging the risk of my unprotected umbrella being +feloniously abducted during unavoidable absence by some unprincipled and +illegitimate claimant. + +But, alack! I was confronted with the official ultimatum and _sine qua +non_, and have subsequently learnt that the cause of this self-denying +ordinance is due to the uncontrollable enthusiasm of British Public for +works of art, which leads them to signify approbation by puncturing +innumerable orifices by dint of sticks or umbrellas in the process of +pointing out tit-bits of painting, and on account of the detrimental +influence on the marketable value of pictures thus distinguished by the +plerophory of the _Vox Populi_. + +Nevertheless, my heart was oppressed with many misgivings at having to +hand over three hostage umbrellas--one being masculine and two feminine +gender--and receiving nothing in exchange but a wooden medallion of no +intrinsic worth, bearing the utterly disproportionate number of over one +thousand! Next, after, at Miss JESSIMINA'S bidding, having purchased a +sixpenny index, we ascended the staircase, and on shelling out three +shillings cash payment, were consecutively squeezed through a restricted +wicket as if needles going through the eye of a camel. + +I will vouchsafe to aver that my interior sensations on penetrating the +first gallery were those of acute and indignant disappointment, for will +it be credited that a working majority of the exhibits were second, or +even third and fourth-hand mechanisms of an unparagoned dingitude, and +fit only for the lumbering room? + +Perhaps I shall be told that this wintry exhibition is a mere stopgap +and makeshift, until a fresh supply of bright new paintings can be +procured, and that it is _ultra vires_ to obtain such for love or money +before the merry month of May. + +Still I must persist in denouncing the penny wisdom and pound foolery of +the Academicals in foisting off upon the public such ancient and +fish-like articles that have long ceased to be _bon ton_ and in the +fashion, since it is undeniable that many are over fifty years, and some +several centuries behind the times! + +It is to be hoped that these parsimonious Misters will soon recognise +that it is not possible for modern up-to-date Art to be florescent under +this retrograde and fossilized system, and be warned that such +untradesmanlike goings-on will deservedly forfeit the confidence and +patronage of their most fastidious customers. + +Miss JESSIMINA remarked more than once that such and such a picture was +not in _her_ taste and she would never have chosen it personally, while +Miss PRIMMETT declared that she would not have had her likeness taken by +Hon'ble Sir JOSH GAINSBORO, or Misters VELASKY and VANDICK, not even if +they implored her on their bended marrowbones, and that, as for a +certain individual effeminately named ETTY, it was a wonderment to her +how respectable people could stand in front of such brazen performances! +These remarks are trivial, perhaps, but even straws will serve as cocks +of the weather on occasions, and, moreover, I shall certify that the +most general tone was of a critical and disapproving severity, and it +was quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have +done the job better themselves. + +A certain Mister TURNER came in for the BENJAMIN'S mess of obloquy, +having represented Pluto, the god of wealth, in the act of carrying off +a female Proserpine, but the figures so Lilliputian, and in such a +disproportionate expansion of confused sceneries, that the elopement +produced but a very paltry impression. The slipshod carelessness of this +painter may be realised from the fact that in a composition styled +"_Blue Lights to Warn Steamboats off Shoal Water_," the blue lights are +conspicuous by their total absence, and the mistiness of the +atmospherical conditions renders it difficult to distinguish either the +steamers or the shoals with even tolerable accuracy! + +In the ulterior room were sundry productions from Umbrian and Milanese +and other schools, such being presumptively the teaching establishments +over which Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER and GREUZY and Co. predominated +as Old Masters. But surely it is unfair, and like seething a kid in the +maternal nutriment, to class such crude and hobbardyhoy performances +with works by more senile hands! + +Here I observed a painting to illustrate scenes in the life of an +important celebrity, who was childishly represented many times over +having separate adventures in the space of a few square feet, and of a +Brobdingnacian bulkiness compared to his perspective surroundings. + +Had this been the work of an Indian artist, native gentlemen out there +would simply have smiled pitiably at such ignorance, and given him the +gentle admonishment that he was only to make a fool of himself for his +pains. There was also a picture of a Diptych, in two portions, with a +background of gilt, but the figure of the Diptych himself very poorly +represented as an anatomy. + +Where all is so so-so, and below par, it is perhaps invidious to single +out any for hon'ble mention; but loyalty as a British subject obliges me +to speak favourably of a concern lent by Her Majesty the QUEEN, and +representing a bombastical youth engaged in a snip-snap with a meek and +inoffensive schoolfellow, who supports himself on one leg, and is +occupied in sheltering his nose behind his arm, until his widowed and +aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved offspring from his grave +crisis. + +This at least can be commended as being true to nature, as I can attest +from personal experience of similar boyish loggerheads, although, owing +to preserving my _sang froid_, I was generally able to remove myself +with phenomenal rapidity from vicinity of shocking kicks by my truculent +assailant. + +Let me not omit to mention a painting of "_Polichinelle_" by a Gallic +artist, which Miss PRIMMETT said was the French equivalent to _Punch_. +At which, speaking loudly for instruction of bystanders, I assured them, +as one familiarly connected with Hon'ble _Punch_, who regarded me as a +son, such a portrait was the very antipode to his majestic lineaments, +nor was it reasonable to suppose that he would allow his counterfeit +presentment to be depicted in the undignified garbage of a buffoon! + +I trust that I may be gratefully remembered by my Liege Lord, and that +he will be gracious enough to entertain me favourably with something in +the shape of prize or bonus in reward for such open testimony as the +above. + +I have only to add that the custodian preserved the inviolability of our +umbrellas with honorable fidelity, and that we moistened the drooping +clay of our internal tenements at an Aerated Tea Company with a +profusion of confectionaries, for which my fair friends with amiable +blandness permitted me the privilege of forking out. + + + + +V + +_In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on + Bicycling as a Pastime._ + + +In consequence of the increasing demands of the incomparable Miss +JESSIMINA upon the dancing attendance of your humble servant, I am +lately become as idle as a newly painted ship, and have not drunk in the +legal wisdom of the learned _Moonshees_ who lecture in the hall of my +Inn of Court, or opened the ponderous treatise of Hon'ble Justice +BLACKSTONE or ADDISON on _Torts_, for many a blank day. + +Still, as Philosopher PLATO observed, "_Nihil humani alienum a me +puto_," and my time has not been actually squandered in the theft of +Procrastination, but rather employed in the proper study of Mankind, and +acquiring a more complete knowingness in _Ars Vivendi_. + +So I think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a +practice which threatens to develop into an epidemical kind of plague, +and carry the deteriorating trails of a serpent over our household +families, unless promptly scotched by benevolent firmness of a paternal +Government. + +Need I explain I am alluding to the nowaday passion for propelling +oneself at a severe speed by dint of unstable and most precarious +machinery? It is now the exception which breaks the rule to take the air +in the streets without being startled by the unseemly spectacles of +go-ahead citizens straddled upon such revolutionary contrivances, +threading their way with breakneck velocity under the very noses of +omnibus and other horses, and ringing the shrill welkin of a +tintinnabulating gong! + +Nay, even after the Curfew has taken its toll from the knell of parting +day, and darkness reigns supreme, they will urge on their wild career, +illuminated by the dim religious light of a small oil lamp! + +I possess no knack of medical knowledge, but I boldly state my opinion +that such daredevilry must necessarily inflict a deleterious result to +the nervous organisms of these riders; and, who knows, of their +posterity? + +For no one can expect to have hairbreadth escapes from the running +gauntlet continuously, without suffering a shattering internal panic, +while catastrophes of fatal injury to life and limb have become _de +rigueur_. + +_Experto crede_--for I can support my _obiter dictum_ by the crushing +weight of personal experience. A few mornings since I had the honour to +escort Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW and a middle-aged select female boarder +into the interior of Hyde Park. The day was fine, though frigid, and I +was wearing my fur-lined overcoat, with boots of patent Japan leather, +and a Bombay gold-embroidered cap, so that I was a mould of form and the +howling nob. + +Picture my amazement when, as I promenaded the path beside the waters of +the Serpentine lake, I beheld a wheeled cavalcade of every conceivable +age, sex, and appearance; senile gaffers and baby buntings; +multitudinous women, some plump as a duckling, others thin as a +paper-thread; aye, and even priests in sanctimonious black and +milk-white cravats, rolling swiftly upon two wheels, and all agog to +dash through thick and thin! + +On seeing which, the matured lady boarder did exclaim upon the +difficulties of the performance, and the vast crowd that had collected +to view such a _tour de force_, but I, perceiving that those seated upon +the machines used no exorbitant exertions, and, indeed, appeared to be +wholly engrossed in social intercourse, responded that no skill was +required to circulate these bicycles, which, owing to being surrounded +with air-cushions, would proceed _proprio motu_ and without meandering. + +Thereupon Miss MANKLETOW expressed an ardent desire to behold myself +upon one of these same machines, and--as we were now close to the effigy +of Hon'ble Duke of WELLINGTON disguised as an Achilles, near which were +certain _bunniahs_ trafficking with bicycles--I, wishing to pleasure my +fair companion, approached one of these contractors and bargained with +him for the sole user of his vehicle for the space of one calendar hour, +to which he consented at the _honorarium_ of one rupee four annas. + +But, on receiving the bicycle from his hands, I at once perceived myself +under a total impossibility of achieving its ascent--for no sooner had I +protruded one leg over the saddle than the foremost wheel averted +itself, and the entire machine bit the dust, which afforded lively and +infinite entertainment to my feminine companions. + +I, however, reproached the _bunniah_ for furnishing a worn-out effete +affair that was not in working order or a going concern, but he, by +assuring me that it was all right, cajoled me into trying once more. + +[Illustration: "I INSTANTANEOUSLY ENDURED THE TOTAL UPSET!"] + +So, divesting myself of my fur-lined overcoat, which I commanded a +hobbardyhoy of the sweeper class to hold, I again mounted upon the +saddle, while the proprietor of the machine sustained it in a position +of rectitude, and then, supporting me by the superfluity of my +pantaloons, he propelled me from the rear, counselling me to press my +feet vigorously upon the paddles. But it all proved as the labour of +Sisyphus, for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions and +adamantine hardihood, and whenever the bicycle-man released his hold, +I instantaneously endured the total upset! + +Then again I reproved him for his _Punica fides_, informing him that I +required a machine that would run with smooth progressiveness, precisely +similar to those I beheld in motion around me. To which he replied that +I must not expect to be able to ride _impromptu_ as well as individuals +who had only mastered the accomplishment by long continuity of practice +and industry. + +"Oh, man of wily tongue!" I addressed him. "Not thus will you bamboozle +my supposed simplicity! For if the art were indeed so difficult as you +pretend, how should it be acquired by so many timid and delicate +feminines and mere nurselings? This machine of yours is nothing but an +obsolete _hors de combat_ with which it is not humanly possible to work +the oracle!" + +At which, waxing with indignation, he leaped upon it, and to my +surprise, did easily propel it in whatsoever direction he pleased, and +its motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest; +so, beguiled by his representations that, under his instructions, I +should speedily become a _chef-d'oeuvre_, I once more suffered myself +to mount the machine; but whether from superabundant energy of my +foot-paddling, or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of a +precipitous slope, I was soon horrified at finding that my instructor +was stripped out, and I abandoned to the lurch of my Caudine fork! + +Oh, my goodness! My heart turns to water at the nude recollection of +such an unparalleled predicament, for the now unrestrained bicycle +_vires acquirit eundo_, and in seven-league boots! While I, wet as a +clout with anxiety and perspiration, did grasp the handles like the +horns of a dilemma, calling out in agonised accents to the +bystanders,--"Help! I am running away with myself! Half a rupee for my +life-preserver!" + +But they were all as if to burst with laughter, and none had the +ordinary heroism to intervene, and I with ever increasing rapidity was +borne helplessly down the declivity towards the gates of Hyde Park +Corner, when, by the benevolence of Providence, the anterior wheel ran +under a railing, and I flew off like a tangent into the comparative +security of a mud-barrow! + +On my return and solicitous inquiry for my fur-lined overcoat, I had the +further shock to discover that it was _solvitur ambulando_! + +After such a shuddering experience and narrow squeak of my safety, I +confidently appeal to the authorities to extinguish this highly +dangerous and foolhardy sort of so-called amusement, or at the very +least to issue paternal orders that, in future, no one shall be +permitted to ride upon any bicycle possessing less than three wheels, +or guilty of a greater celerity than three (or four) miles per hour. + +The fair Miss MANKLETOW amended this proposal by suggesting that the +Public should be restricted at once to perambulators; but this is, +perhaps, _majori cautela_, and an instance of the over-solicitude of the +female intellect, for it is not feasible to treat an adult, who has +assumed the _toga virilis_ and tall hat, as if he was still mewling and +puking in a tucker and bib. + + + + +VI + +_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._ + + +The dialoquial form is now become an indispensible _factotum_ in +periodical literature, and so, like a _brebis de Panurge_, I shall +follow the fashion occasionally,--though with rather more obedience to a +literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors in _Punch_ +have thought worth to practise. + +Time: the other morning. Scene: the breakfast table at Porticobello +House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself and other select boarders engaged in +masticating fowl eggs with their concomitant bacon, while intelligently +discussing topical subjects (for we carry out the poetical recipe of +"Plain thinking and high living"). + +_Miss Jessimina_ (_at the table-head_). The papers seem eloquent in +laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I should +like to go if I had anyone to take me! + +_Mr Wylie_ (_stingily_). And I would be enraptured at so tip-top an +opportunity, but for circumstance of being stonily broken. + + [_Helps himself to the surviving fowl egg._ + +_Mr Cossetter_ (_in sepulchral tone_). Alack! that doctorial +prescriptions do nill for me such nocturnal jinks; otherwise---- + + [_He treats himself to a digestible pill._ + +_Myself_ (_taking a leap into the darkness and deadly breaches_). Since +other gentlemen are not more obsequious in gallantry, I hereby tender +myself for honour of accompanyist and _vade mecum_. + +_Miss Jess._ (_lowering the silken curtains of her almond-like orbs_). +Oh, really, PRINCE! So _very_ unexpected! I must obtain the expert +opinion of my Mamma. + +Mistress MANKLETOW did approve the jaunt on condition of our being +saddled by a select lady boarder of the name of SPINK as a _tertium +quid_ to play at propriety; at which I was internally disgusted, fearing +she would play the old gooseberry with our _tete-a-tete_. + +Having arrived at Olympia, we perambulated the bazaar prior to the +commencement of the shows, and here (after parting with rs. 8 for three +seats on the balcony) I did bleed more freely still, for Miss JESSIMINA +expressed a passionate longing to possess my profile, snipped out of +paper by the scissors of a Silhouette, for which I mulcted one shilling +sterling. + +And, after all, although it proved the _alter ego_ and speaking likeness +of my embossed Bombay cap and golden spectacles, she found the fault +that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness; not +reflecting (with feminine imperceptivity) that, the material being +black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of all +alike! + +Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a +pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their +baptismal appellation (another rupee!). + +Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing the +future for a penny in the slit, and Miss JESSIMINA worked the oracle +with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing his optics +and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce a small paper +which she opened eagerly. + +_Miss Jess._ (_after perusal_). Only fancy! It says I'm "to marry a dark +man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What ridiculous +nonsense! do you not think so, PRINCE? + +_Myself_ (_with a tender sauciness_). Poet SHAKSPEARE asserts there are +more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. I am not a +superstitious--and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly +through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a worshipful adorer who +might be described as dark, and to whose native land it is a long +journey? + +_Miss Jess._ (_with the complexion of a tomato_). It's time we took our +seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly! + +It is notorious that the English female vocabulary contains no more +caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I +repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious +appreciation. + +Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnificent, though the +introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great prevalence of +the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, nor do I see the +rationality of engaging a _sais_ in topped boots to attend upon each +machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of its belonging to the +equine genus, since it can never become the similitude of a horse in +mettlesome vivacity. + +My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the +extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of a +huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from scientific +considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of gravitation, it +was not possible for any rider to become a loser of his equilibrium--lo +and behold! two of the competitors made the _facilis descensus_, and +were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a calamity. + +But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable to +hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital organs. +Still, I cannot approve of these bicycle contentions, which are +veritable provocative flights at the providential features. + +After the termination I conducted my _protegees_ to the Palmarium, where +we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a neat-handed +Phyllis in the uniform of a house-maid intermixed with a hospital nurse. + +Here occurred a most discomposing _contretemps_, for presently Miss +JESSIMINA uttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding +herself and Miss SPINK with the brazen eyes of a sheep, and even making +personal comments on my nationality, which rendered me like toad under a +harrow with burning indignation. + +At length, being utterly beside myself with rage, I summoned one of the +Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, being +met with a smiling "_Nolo Episcopari_." So, entreating my companions not +to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands, I went in search +of a policeman. + +Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to +understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal +opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear to +my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind. + +[Illustration: "WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."] + +And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had the +mortification to discover that the two impolite strangers had departed, +and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were similarly imperceptible. + +However, after prolonged search and mental anxiety, I returned alone, +and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety; and +hearing that the two strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms +of an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaintances. + +Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute my design of assault +and battery, more especially as I am the happy receiver of many handsome +compliments on all sides upon the tactfulness and _savoir faire_ with +which I extricated myself from my shocking fix. + +At which my countenance beams with the shiny resplendency of +self-satisfaction. + + + + +VII + +_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a + Whale._ + + +I am this week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck occurring +to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the addressing +of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of Hon'ble _Punch_, calling +attention to the great copiousness of my literary out-put, and the +ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money on account. +On which, by returning post, my parched soul was reinvigorated by the +refreshing draught of a _draft_ (if I may be permitted the rather +facetious _jeu de mots_) payable to my order. + +So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast upon +the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the improved +form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the bank on which my +cheque was drafted, and requested the bankers behind the counter to +honour it with the equivalent in filthy lucres, which they did with +obsequious alacrity. + +[Illustration: "WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."] + +After closely inspecting the notes to satisfy myself that I had not been +imposed upon by meretricious counterfeits, I emerged with a beaming +and joyful countenance, stowing the needful away carefully in an +interior pocket, and, on descending the bank step, was accosted by a +polite, agreeable stranger, who, begging my pardon with profusion, +inquired whether he had not had the honour of voyaging from India with +me in the--the--for his life he could not recall the name of the +ship--he should forget his own name presently! + +"Indeed," I answered him, "I cannot remember having the felicity of an +encounter with you upon the _Kaisar-i-Hind_." + +The Stranger: "To be sure; that _was_ the name! A truly magnificent +vessel! I forget names--but faces, never! And yours I remember from the +striking resemblance to my dear friend, the Maharajah of Bahanapur--you +know him?--a very elegant young, handsome chap. A splendid _Shikarri_! I +was often on the verge of asking if you were related; but being then but +a second-class passenger, and under an impecunious cloud, did not dare +to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to decease of +wealthy uncle, I can address you without the mortifying fear of +misconstruction." + +So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with the +Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform him that I, +too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn the princely +instalment of a salary for jots and tittles contributed to periodical +_Punch_. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing high +appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the +miserable paucity of my _honorarium_, saying he was thick as a thief +with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a +greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap at a +Jew's eye. + +And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of +tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at his expense; to +which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, simple fellow, inflated by +sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, contrary to my normal habitude, +his offer of a brandy panee, or an old Tom. + +While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, like +most globular trotters, he had not been long enough in the country to be +accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so happened, was an +early acquaintance of my companion, though separated by the old lang +sign of a longinquity. What followed I shall render in a dialogue form. + +The Third party: Why, TOMKINS, you have a prosperous appearance, +TOMKINS. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity of a +churched mouse. Have you made your fortune, TOMKINS? + +_Mr Tomkins._ I am too easy a goer, and there are too many rogues in +the world, that I should ever make my own fortune, JOHNSON! Happily for +me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately departed to +reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside the dream of +an avaricious! + +_Mr Johnson_ (_enviously_). God bless my soul! Some folks have the good +luck. (_To me, whispering._) A poor ninny-hammer sort of chap, he will +soon throw it away on drakes and ducks! (_Aloud, to ~Mr TOMKINS.~_) +Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely. + +_Mr T._ (_in a tone of dolesomeness_). The heart knoweth where the shoe +pinches it, JOHNSON. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique and +eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition commanding +me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three calendered months +from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed ten thousand pounds +amongst young deserving foreigners. To-morrow time is up, and I have +still a thousand pounds to give away! But how to discover genuine young +deserving foreigners in so short a space? Truly, I go in fear of losing +the whole! + +_Mr J._ Let me act as your _budli_ in this and distribute the remaining +thousand. + +_Mr T._ From what I remember of you as a youth, I cannot wholly rely on +your discretion. Rather would I place my confidence in this gentleman. + + [_Indicating myself, who turned orange with pleasure._ + +_Mr J._ Indeed? And how know you that he may not adhere to the entire +thousand? + +_Mr T._ And if he does, it is no matter, if he is a genuine deserving. I +can give the whole to him if I am so minded, and he need not give away a +penny of it unless inclined. + + [_At which I was fit to dance with delight._ + +_Mr J._ I deny that you possess the power, seeing that he is a British +subject, and as such cannot be styled a "foreigner." + +_Mr T._ There you have mooted a knotty point indeed. Alas, that we have +no forensic big-wig here to decide it! + +_Myself_ (_modestly_). As a native poor student of English law, I +venture to think that, by dint of my legal attainments, I shall be +enabled to crack the Gordian nut. I am distinctly of opinion that an +individual born of dusky parents in a tropical climate _is_ a foreigner, +in the eye of British prejudice, and within the meaning of the testator. +[_And here I maintained my assertion by a logomachy of such brilliancy +and erudition that I completely convinced the minds of both auditors._ + +_Mr J._ (_grumblingly, to ~Mr TOMKINS~_). Assuming he is correct, why +favour _him_ more than _me_? + +_Mr T._ Because instinct informs me that a gentleman with such a face as +his--however dusky--may be trusted, and with the untold gold! + +_Mr J._ (_jealously_). And I am not to be trusted! If you were to hand +me your _portemonnaie_ now, full of notes and gold, and let me walk into +the street with it, do you doubt that I should return? Speak, TOMKINS! + +_Mr T._ Assuredly not; but so, too, would this gentleman. (_To me, as +~Mr JOHNSON~ sneered a doubt._) Here, you, Sir, take this _portemonnaie_ +out into the street for five minutes or so, I trust to your honour to +return it intact. (_After I had emerged triumphantly from this severe +ordeal of my ~bona fide~._) Aha, JOHNSON! am I the judge of men or not? + +_Mr J._ (_still seeking, as I could see, to undermine me in his friend's +favour_). Pish! Who would steal a paltry L50 and lose L1000? If I had so +much to give away, I should wish to be sure that the party I was about +to endow had corresponding confidence in _me_. Now, though I have always +considered you as a dull, I know you to be strictly honest, and would +trust you with all I possess. In proof of which, take these two golden +sovereigns and few shillings outside. Stay away as long as you desire. +You will return, I know you well! + +_Myself_ (_penetrating this shallow artifice, and hoisting the +engine-driver on his own petard_). Who would not risk a paltry L2 to +gain L1000? Oh, a magnificent confidence, truly! + +_Mr J._ (_to me_). Have you the ordinary manly pluck to act likewise? If +you are expecting him to trust you with the pot of money, he has a right +to expect to be trusted in return. That is logic! + +_Mr T._ (_mildly_). No, JOHNSON, you are too hasty, JOHNSON. The cases +are different. I can understand the gentleman's very natural hesitation. +I do not ask him to show his confidence in me--enough that I feel I can +trust _him_. If he doubts my honesty, I shall think no worse of him; +whichever way I decide eventually. + + [_Here, terrified lest by hesitation I had wounded him at + his quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust + the thousand pounds to ~Mr JOHNSON~, I hastily produced all + the specie and bullion I had upon me, including a valuable + large golden chronometer and chain of best English make, and + besought him to go into the outer air for a while with them, + which, after repeated refusals, he at last consented to do, + leaving ~Myself~ and ~Mr JOHNSON~ to wait._ + +_Mr J._ (_after tedious lapse of ten minutes_). Strange! I expected him +back before this. But he is an absent-minded, chuckle-headed chap. Very +likely he is staring at a downfallen horse and has forgotten this +affair. I had better go in search of him. What? you will come, too. +Capital! Then if you go to the right, and I to the left, we cannot miss +him! + +But, alack! we did; and, in a short time, both Misters were invisible to +the nude eye, nor have I heard from them since. Certain of my +fellow-boarders, on hearing the matter, declared that I had been diddled +by a bamboozle-trick; but it is egregiously absurd that my puissance in +knowledge of the world should have been so much at fault; and, moreover, +why should one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my +paltry possessions? It is much more probable that they are still +diligently seeking for me, having omitted, owing to hurry of moment, to +ascertain my name and address; and I hereby request Mr TOMKINS, on +reading this, to forward the thousand pounds (or so much thereof as in +his munificent generosity he may deem sufficient) to me at Porticobello +House, Ladbroke Grove, W., or care of his friend, the Editor of _Punch_, +by whom it will (I am sure) be honourably handed over intact. + +Nor need Mr TOMKINS fear my reproaches for his dilatoriness, for there +is a somewhat musty proverb that "Procrastination is preferable to +Neverness." + + + + +VIII + +_How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club._ + + +Miss SPINK (whom I have mentioned _supra_ as a feminine inmate of +Porticobello House) is _in additum_ a member of a Debating Female +Society, which assembles once a week in various private Westbourne Grove +parlours, for argumentative intercourse. + +So, she expressing an anxious desire that I should attend one of these +conclaves, I consented, on ascertaining that I should be afforded the +opportunity of parading the gab with which I have been gifted in an +extemporised allocution. + +On the appointed evening I directed my steps, under the guidance of the +said Miss SPINK, to a certain imposing stucco residence hard by, wherein +were an assortment of female women conversing with vivacious garrulity, +in a delicious atmosphere of tea, coffee, and buttered bread. + +[Illustration: "A WEEDY, TALL MALE GENTLEMAN."] + +After having partaken freely of these comestibles, we made the +adjournment to a luxuriously upholstered parlour, circled with +plush-seated chairs and adorned with countless mirrors, and there we +began to beg the question at issue, to-whit, "_To what extent has Ibsen +(if any) contributed towards the cause of Female Emancipation?_" +which was opened by a weedy, tall male gentleman, with a lofty and a +shining forehead, and round, owlish spectacle-glasses. He read a very +voluminous paper, from which I learnt that IBSEN was the writer of +innumerable new-fangled dramas of very problematical intentions, +exposing the hollow conventionalisms of all established social usages, +especially in the matrimonial department. + +When he had ceased there was a universal and unanimous silence, due to +uncontrollable female bashfulness, for the duration of several minutes, +until the chairwoman exhorted someone to have the courage of her +opinions. And the ice being once fractured, one Amurath succeeded +another in disjointed commentaries, plucking crows in the teeth of the +assertions of the Hon'ble Opener and of their precursors, and resumed +their seats with abrupt precipitancy, stating that they had no further +remarks to make. + +Then ensued another interim of golden "Silence and slow Time," as Poet +KEATS says, which was as if to become Sempiternity, had not I, rushing +in where the angels were in fear of slipping up, caught the Speaker in +the eye, and tipped the wink of my _cacoethes loquendi_. + +To prevent disappointment, I shall report my harangue with verbose +accuracy. + +_Myself_ (_assuming a perpendicular attitude, inserting one hand among +my vest buttons, and waving the other with a graceful affability_). +"HON'BLE MISS CHAIRWOMAN, MADAMS, MISSES, AND HON'BLE MISTER OPENER, the +humble individual now palpitating on his limbs before you is a denizen +from a land whose benighted, ignorant inhabitants are accustomed to +treat the females of their species as small fry and fiddle faddle. Yes, +Madams and Misses, in India the woman is forbidden to eat except in the +severest solitude, and after her lord and master has surfeited his pangs +of hunger; she may not make the briefest outdoor excursion without +permission, and then solely in a covered _palkee_, or the hermetically +sealed interior of a blinded carriage. (_Cries of 'Shame.'_) In the +Zenana, she is restricted to the occupation of puerile gossipings, or +listening to apocryphal fairy tales of so scandalising an impropriety +that I shrink to pollute my ears by the repetition even of the tit-bits. +(_Subdued groans._) + +"Such being the case, you can imagine the astonishment and gratification +I have experienced here this evening at the intelligence and forwardness +manifested by so many effeminate intellects. (_A flattered rustle and +prolonged simpering._) + +"The late respectable Dr BEN JOHNSON, gifted author of _Boswell's +Biography_ (_applause_), once rather humorously remarked, on witnessing +a nautch performed by canine quadrupeds, that--although their +choreographical abilities were of but a mediocre nature--the wonderment +was that they should be capable at all to execute such a hind-legged +feat and _tour de force_. + +"Similarly, it is to me a gaping marvel that womanish tongues should +hold forth upon subjects which are naturally far outside the radius of +their comprehensions. + +"The subject for our discursiveness to-night is, '_To what extent has +Ibsen contributed to the Cause (if any) of Female Emancipation?_' and +being a total ignoramus up to date of the sheer existence of said +hon'ble gentleman, I shall abstain from scratching my head over so +Sphinxian a conundrum, and confine myself to knuckling to the obiter +diction of sundry lady speakers. + +"There was a stout full-blown matron, with grey curl-shavings and a +bonnet and plumage, who declaimed her opinionated conviction that it was +degrading and _infra dig._ for any woman to be treated as a doll. +(_Hear, hear._) Well, I would hatch the questionable egg of a doubt +whether any rationalistic masculine could regard the speaker herself in +a dollish aspect, and will assure her that in my fatherland every +cultivated native gentleman would approach her with the cold shoulder of +apprehensive respectfulness. (_The bonneted matron becomes ruddier than +the cherry with complacency, and fans herself vigorously._) + +"Next I shall deal with the tall, meagre female near the fire-hearth, in +abbreviated hair and a nose-pinch, who set up the claim that her sex +were in all essentials the equals, if not the superiors, of man. Now, +without any gairish of words, I will proceed baldly to enumerate various +important physical differentiations which---- (_Intervention by Hon'ble +Chairwoman, reminding me that these were not in disputation._) I bow to +correction, and kiss the rod by summing up the gist of my argument, +viz., that it is nonsensical idiotcy to suppose that a woman can be the +equivalent of a man either in intellectual gripe, in bodily +robustiousness, or in physical courage. Of the last, I shall afford an +unanswerable proof from my own person. It is notorious, _urbi et orbi_, +that every feminine person will flee in panicstricken dismay from the +approach of the smallest mouse. + +"I am a Bengali, and, as such, profusely endowed with the fugacious +instinct, and yet, shall I quake in appalling consternation if a mouse +is to invade my vicinity? + +"Certainly I shall not; and why? Because, though not racially a +temerarious, I nevertheless appertain to the masculine sex, and +consequentially my heart is not capable of contracting at the mere +aspect of a rodent. This is not to blow the triumphant trumpet of sexual +superiority, but to prove a simple undenied fact by dint of an _a +fortiori_. + +"Having pulverised my pinched-nose predecessor, I pass on to a speaker +of a very very opposite personality--the well-proportioned, beauteous +maiden with azure starry eyes, gilded hair, and teeth like the seeds of +a pomegranate (oh, _si sic omnes!_), who vaunted, in the musical accents +of a cuckoo, her right to work out her own life, independently of +masculine companionship or assistance, and declared that the saccharine +element of courtship and connubiality was but the exploded mask of man's +tyrannical selfishness. + +"Had such shocking sentiments been aired by some of the other lady +orators in this room, I must facetiously have recalled them to a certain +fabular fox which criticised the unattainable grapes as too immature to +merit mastication; but the particular speaker cannot justly be said to +be on all fours with such an animal. Understand, please, I am no +prejudiced, narrow-minded chap. I would freely and generously permit +plainfaced, antiquated, unmarriageable madams and misses to undertake +the manufacture of their own careers _ad nauseam_; but when I behold a +maiden of such excessive pulchritude---- (_Second intervention by +Hon'ble Chairwoman desiring me to abstain from personal references._) I +assure the Hon'ble Miss CHAIRWOMAN that I was not alluding to herself, +but since she has spoken in my wheel with such severity, I will conclude +with my peroration on the subject for debate, namely, the theatrical +dramas of Hon'ble IBSEN. When, Madams and Misses, I make the odious +comparison of these works, with which I am completely unacquainted, to +the productions of Poet SHAKSPEARE, where I may boast the familiarity +that is a breeder of contempt, I find that, in _Hamlet's_ own words, it +is the 'Criterion of a Satire,' and I shall assert the unalterable _a +priori_ of my belief that the melodious Swan of Stony Stratford, whether +judged by his longitude, his versical blankness, or the profoundly of +his attainments in Chronology, Theology, Phrenology, Palmistry, +Metallurgy, Zoography, Nosology, Chiropody, or the Musical Glasses, has +outnumbered every subsequent contemporary and succumbed them all!" + +With this, I sat down, leaving my audience as _sotto voce_ as fishes +with admiration and amazement at the facundity of my eloquence, and +should indubitably have been the recipient of innumerable felicitations +but for the fact that Miss SPINK, suddenly experiencing sensations of +insalubriousness, requested me, without delay, to conduct her from the +assemblage. + +I would willingly make a repetition of my visit and rhetorical triumphs, +only Miss SPINK informs me that she has recently terminated her +membership with the above society. + + + + +IX + +_How he saw the practice of the University Crews, and what he thought of + it._ + + +The notorious Intercollegian Boat-race of this _anno Domini_ will be +obsolete and _ex post facto_ by the time of publication of the present +instalment of jots and tittles, still I am sufficiently presumptive to +think that the cogitations and personal experiences of a cultivated, +thoughtful native gentleman on this coerulean topic may not be found +so stale and dry as the remainder of a biscuit. + +First I will make a clean bosom with the confession that, though +ardently desirous to witness such a Titianic struggle for the _cordon +bleu_ of old Father Antic the Thames, I was not the actual spectator of +the affair, being previously contracted to escort Miss MANKLETOW (whose +wishfulness is equivalent to legislation) to a theatrical matutinal +performance, which she would in nowise consent to renounce, alleging +that she had already seen the Boat-race to the verge of satiety, and +that the spectacle was instantaneous and paltry. + +However, on acquainting my kind and patronising father, Hon'ble _Punch_, +of my disappointment, he did benevolently propose, as a _pis aller_ and +blind bargain, a voyage in the steam launch-boat of the official +coachman of one of the crews so that I might ascertain how the trick was +done. + +And at 10 A.M. on the day of assignation I presented myself at the +riparian premises of a certain Boating Society, and, on exhibiting my +letter of credit to the Mentor or Corypheus aforesaid, was received _a +bras ouverts_ and with an urbane offhandedness. + +After I had hung fire and cooled my heels on the banks for a while, I +was instructed to enter a skiff, which conveyed me and others to a +steamship of very meagre dimensions, whereupon owing to the heel of one +of my Japan leather shoes becoming implicated in the wire railing that +circumvented the desk, I was embarked in a horizontal attitude, and +severely deteriorated the tall chimneypot hat which I had assumed to do +credit to the hon'ble periodical I represented. (_Nota bene._ Hatmaker's +bill for renovating same, 2 rupees 8 annas--which those to whom it is of +concern will please attend to and refund.) + +On recovery of my head-gear and equanimity, I stationed myself in close +proximity to the officiating coach for purpose of being on the threshold +of inquiries, and proceeded to pop numerous questions to my neighbours. +I ascertained, among other things, that the vessels are called +"eights," owing to their containing nine passengers; that the ninth is +called the "cock," and is a mere supernumerary or understudent, in case +any member of the crew should be overcome by sickishness during the +contest and desire to discontinue. + +It appears that the race is of religious and ceremonious origin, for +only "good men" are permitted to compete, and none who is a wine +drunkard, a gluttonous, or addicted to any form of tobacco. Moreover, +they are to observe a strict fast and abstinence for many weeks previous +to the ordeal. The most prominent ecclesiastics and Judges of the +Supreme Courts are usually chosen from this class of individuals, which +is a further proof of the sanctimoniousness attached to the competition. + +Consequently I was the more surprised at the disrespectful +superciliousness of their _Fidus Achates_ or dry nurse, who, stretching +himself upon his stomach in the prow, did shout counsels of perfection +at his receding pupils. + +Such criticisms as I overheard, seemed to me of a very puerile and +captious description, and some of an opprobrious personality, _e.g._, as +when a certain oarman was taunted with being short--as though he were +capable of adding the cubic inch to his stature! + +Another I heard advised to keep his visual organs in the interior of the +boat, though, being ordinary optics and not at all of a vitreous +composition, they could not be removable by volition. Again, a third was +reproached because of the lateness with which he had made his beginning; +but, as it was not asserted that he was inferior to the rest, the +tardiness of his initiation was surely rather honourable than +disgraceful! + +I observed that said trainer did stickle almost prudishly for propriety, +being greatly shocked at the levity with which the rowers were attired +and entreating them to keep their buttons well up, though indeed I could +discern none, nor was there much which was humanly possible to be +buttoned. + +For myself, I must make the humble complaint that the Hon'ble Coach was +defective in courteous attention to my inquisitiveness, which he totally +ignored. For I could not prevail upon him to explain what thing it was +that he directed the oarmen to "wait for," to "spring at from a +stretcher," and "catch at the beginning;" nor why they were forbidden to +row with their hands, not being quadrumanous, and able to employ their +feet in such a manner; nor whether when he commanded them to "get in at +once," he intended them to leap into the waters or to return to the +landing-place, nor why they did neither of these things; nor why he +should express satisfaction that a certain rower had got rid of a lofty +feather, which would indubitably have added to the showiness of his +appearance. + +Again, hearing him anxiously inquire the time after a stoppage, I was +proceeding to explain how gladly I would have given him such +information, but for the unavoidable absence of my golden chronometer, +owing to the failure of Misters TOMKINS and JOHNSON to restore the same, +whereupon he treated me in such a "please-go-away-and-die" sort of style +that I subsided with utmost alacrity. + +On the return voyage the Collegiate eight was challenged to a spurting +match by a scratched crew, which appeared to me to be the superior in +velocity, though it seemed it was then too late to make the happy +exchange. + +When the practice was at an end and the Blues in a state of quiescence, +I intimated my desire to harangue them and express my wonderment and +admiration at beholding them content to suffer such hardships and perils +and faultfinding without expostulation or excuses for their +shortcomings, and all for no pecuniary recompense, but the evasive +reward of a _nominis umbra_. And I would have reminded them of the +extended popularity of their performance, and that it was an unfairness +to muzzle the ox that treadeth upon one's corn, appealing to them to +stand up for their rights, and refuse to compete except for the +honorarium of a _quid pro quo_. + +But the official instructor, seeing me about to climb upon the poop, to +deliver my oration, entreated me with so much earnestness to desist that +I became immediately aphonous. + + + + +X + +_Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight._ + + +A young sprightly Londoner acquaintance of mine, who is a member of a +Sportish Club where exhibitions of fisticuffs are periodically given, +did generously invite me on a recent Monday evening to be the +eye-witness of this gladiatorial spectacle. + +And, though not constitutionally bellicose, I eagerly accepted his +invitation on being assured that I should not be requisitioned to take +part personally in such pugilistic exercises, and should observe same +from a safe distance and coign of vantage, for I am sufficiently a lover +of sportfulness to appreciate highly the sight of courage and science in +third parties. + +So he conducted me to the Club-house, and by the open sesame of a ticket +enabled me to penetrate the barrier, after which I followed his wake +downstairs, through rooms full of smoking and conversing sportlovers +mostly in festal attire, to a long and lofty hall with balconies and a +stage at the further end with foliage painted in imitation of a forest, +which was tenanted by press reporters. + +The centre of the hall was monopolised by a white square platform +confined by a circumambience of rope, which I was informed was the +veritable theatre of war and cockpit. + +Presently two hobbardyhoys made the ascent of this platform with their +attendant myrmidons, and did proceed to remove their trouserings and +coats until they were in the state of nature with the exception of a +loincloth, whereupon the President or Master of the Ceremonies +introduced them and their respective partisans by name to the +assemblage, stating their precise ponderability, and that these juvenile +antagonists were fraternally related by ties of brotherhood. + +At which I was revolted, for it is against nature and _contra bonos +mores_ that relations should be egged on into family jars, nor can such +proceedings tend to promote the happiness and domesticity of their home +circle. However, on such occasion when the youths were in danger of +inflicting corporal injuries upon each other, the President called out +"Time" in such reproving tones that they hung their heads in +shamefulness and desisted. And at length they were persuaded into a +pacification, and made the _amende honorable_ by shaking each other by +the hand, whereat I was rejoiced, for, as Poet WATT says, "Birds which +are in little nests should refrain from falling out." + +The victory was adjudged to the elder brother--in obedience, I suppose, +to the rule of Primogeniture, for he did not succeed in reducing his +opponent to a _hors de combat_. + +Next came a more bustling encounter between Misters BILL HUSBAND and +MYSTERIOUS SMITH, which was protracted to the duration of eight rounds. +I was largely under the impression that Mister HUSBAND was to win, owing +to the acclamations he received, and the excessive agility with which he +removed his head from vicinity of the blows of Mister MYSTERIOUS SMITH. + +It was truly magnificent to see how they did embrace each other by the +neck, and the wonderment and suspicion in their glances when one +discovered that he was resting his chin upon the padded hand of his +adversary, and from time to time the Hon'ble Chairman was heard ordering +them to "break away," and "not to hold," or requesting us to refrain +from any remarks. And at intervals they retired to sit upon chairs in +opposing corners, where they rinsed their mouths, and were severely +fanned by their bearers, who agitated a large towel after the manner of +a punkah. But, in the end, it was Mysterious Mister SMITH who hit the +right nail on the head, and was declared the conquering hero, though +once more I was incapacitated to discover in what precise respects he +was the _facile princeps_. + +Around the hall there were placards announcing that smoking was +respectfully prohibited, and the President did repeatedly entreat +members of the audience to refrain from blowing a cloud, assuring them +that the perfume of tobacco was noxious and disgustful to the +combatants, and threatening to mention disobedient tobacconists by name. + +Whereupon most did desist; but some, secreting their cigars in the +hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find it +flame; while others, who were such grandees and big pots that their own +convenience was the first and foremost desideratum, continued to smoke +with lordliness and indifference. + +And I am an approver of such conduct--for it is unreasonable that a +well-bred, genteel sort of individual should make the total sacrifice of +a cigar, for which he has perhaps paid as much as two or even four +annas, out of consideration for insignificant common chaps hired to +engage in snipsnaps for his entertainment. + +The last competition was to be the _bonne bouche_ and _piece de +resistance_ of the evening, consisting of a rumpus in twenty rounds +between Misters TOM TRACY of Australia, and TOMMY WILLIAMS, from the +same hemisphere, at which I was on the tiptoe of expectation. + +But, although they commenced with dancing activity, one of the TOMS in +the very first round sparred the other under the chin with such +superabundant energy that he immediately became a recumbent for a +lengthy period, and, on being elevated to a chair, only recaptured +sufficient consciousness to abandon the sponge. + +And then, to my chapfallen disappointment, the Chairman announced that +he was very sorry and could not help it, but that was the concluding box +of the evening. + +I will reluctantly confess that, on the whole, I found the proceedings +lacking in sensationality, since they were of very limited duration, and +totally devoid of bloodshed, or any danger to the life and limb of the +performers. For it is not reasonably possible for a combatant to make a +palpable hit when his hands are, as it were, muzzled, being cabined, +cribbed, and confined in padded soft gloves. I am not a squeamish in +such cases, and I must respectfully submit that the Cause of True Sport +can only be hampered by such nursery and puerile restrictions, for none +can expect to compound an omelette without the fracture of eggs. + +Upon remarking as above to my young lively friend, he assured me that +even a gloved hand was competent to produce facial disfigurement and tap +the vital fluid, and offered to demonstrate the truth of his statement +if I would be the partaker with him in a glove-box. + +But, though doubting the authenticity of his assertions, I thought it +prudential to decline the proof of the pudding, and so took a +precipitate leave of him with profuse thanks for his unparagoned +kindness, and many promises to put on the gloves with him at the first +convenient opportunity. + + + + +XI + +_Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy._ + + +It is an indubitable fact that the discovery of steam is the most +marvellous invention of the century. For had it been predicted +beforehand that innumerable millions of human beings would be +transported with security at a headlong speed for hundreds of miles +along a ferruginous track, the most temporary deviation from which would +produce the inevitable cataclysm and no end of a smash, the working +majority would have expressed their candid opinion of such rhodomontade +by cocking the contemptuous snook of incredulity. + +And yet it is now the highly accomplished fact and matter of course! + +Still, I shall venture to express the opinion that the pleasurability of +such railway journeys is largely dependent upon the person who may be +our travelling companion, and that some of the companies are not quite +careful enough in the exclusion of undesirable fellow-passengers. In +proof of which I now beg to submit an exemplary instance from personal +experience. + +I was recently the payer of a ceremonial visit to a friend of my +boyhood, namely, BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, with whom, finding him at +home in his lodgings in a distant suburb, I did hold politely +affectionate intercourse for the space of two hours, and then departed, +as I had come, by train, and the sole occupant of a second-class dual +compartment divided by a low partition. + +At the next station the adjoining compartment was suddenly invaded by a +portly female of the matronly type, with a rubicund countenance and a +bonnet in a dismantled and lopsided condition, who was bundled through +the doorway by the impetuosity of a porter, and occupied a seat in +immediate opposition to myself. + +[Illustration: "A BEAMING SIMPER OF INDESCRIBABLE SUAVITY."] + +When the train resumed its motion, I observed that she was contemplating +me with a beaming simper of indescribable suavity, and though she was of +an unornamental exterior and many years my superior, I constrained +myself from motives of merest politeness to do some simperings in +return, since only a churlish would grudge such an economical and +inexpensive civility. + +But whether she was of an unusually ardent temperament, or whether, +against my volition, I had invested my simper with an irresistible +winsomeness, I cannot tell; but she fell to making nods and becks and +wreathed smiles which reduced me to crimsoned sheepishness, and the +necessity of looking earnestly out of window at vacancy. + +At this she entreated me passionately not to be unkind, inviting me to +cross to the next compartment and seat myself by her side; but I did +nill this invitation politely, urging that Company's bye-laws +countermanded the placing of boots upon the seat-cushions, and my utter +inability to pose as a _Romeo_ to scale the barrier. + +Whereupon to my lively horror and amazement, she did exclaim, "Then I +will come to _you_, darling!" and commenced to scramble precipitately +towards me over the partition! + +At which I was in the blue funk, perceiving the _arcanum_ of her design +to embrace me, and resolved to leave no stone unturned for the +preservation of my bacon. So, at the moment she made the entrance into +my compartment, I did simultaneously hop the twig into the next, and she +followed in pursuit, and I once more achieved the return with +inconceivable agility. + +Then, as we were both, like _Hamlet_, fat and short of breath, I +addressed her gaspingly across the barrier, assuring her that it was as +if to milk the ram to set her bonnet at a poor young native chap who +regarded her with nothing but platonical esteem, and advising her to sit +down for the recovery of her wind. + +But alack! this speech only operated to inspire her with _spretae injuria +formae_, and flourishing a large stalwart umbrella, she exclaimed that +she would teach me how to insult a lady. + +After that she came floundering once again over the partition, and +guarding my loins, I leapt into the next compartment, seeing the affair +had become a _sauve qui peut_, and devil take the hindmost: and at the +nick of time, when she was about to descend like a wolf on a fold, I +most fortunately perceived a bell-handle provided for such pressing +emergencies and rung it with such unparalleled energy, that the train +immediately became stationary. + +Then, as my female persecutress alighted on the floor of the compartment +in the limp condition of a collapse, I stepped across to my original +seat, and endeavoured to look as if with withers unwrung. Presently the +Guard appeared, and what followed I can best render in the dramatical +form of a dialogue:-- + +_The Guard_ (_addressing the ~Elderly Female~, who is sitting smiling with +vacuity beneath the bell-pull_). So it is you who have sounded the +alarm! What is it all about? + +_The Elderly Female_ (_with warm indignation_). Me? I never did! I am +too much of the lady. It was that young coloured gentleman in the next +compartment. + + [_At which the tip of my nose goes down with + apprehensiveness._ + +_The Guard._ Indeed! A likely story! How could the gentleman ring this +bell from where he is? + +_Myself_ (_with mental presence_). Well said, Mister GUARD! The thing +is not humanly possible. _Rem acu tetigisti!_ + +_The Guard._ I do not understand Indian, Sir. If you have anything to +say about this affair, you had better say it. + +_Myself_ (_combining discretion with magnanimousness_). As a chivalrous, +I must decline to bring any accusation against a member of the weaker +sex, and my tongue is hermetically sealed. + +_The Eld. F._ It was _him_ who rang the alarm, and not me. He was in +this compartment, and I in that. + +_The Guard._ What? have you been playing at Hide-and-seek together, +then? But if your story is watertight, he must have rung the bell in a +state of abject bodily terror, owing to your chivying him about! + +_The Eld. F._ It is false! I have been well educated, and belong to an +excellent family. I merely wanted to kiss him. + +_The Guard._ I see what is your complaint. You have been imbibing the +drop too much and will hear of this from the Company. I must trouble +you, Mam, for your correct name and address. + +_Myself_ (_after he had obtained this and was departing_). Mister Guard, +I do most earnestly entreat you not to abandon me to the tender mercies +of this feminine. I am not a proficient in physical courage, and have no +desire to test the correctness of Poet POPE'S assertion, that Hell does +not possess the fury of a scorned woman. I request to be conducted into +a better-populated compartment. + +_The Guard_ (_with complimentary jocosity_). Ah, such young good-looking +chaps as you ought to go about in a veil. Come with me, and I'll put you +into a smoker-carriage. You won't be run after there! + +So the incident was closed, and I did greatly compliment myself upon the +sagacity and coolness of head with which I extricated myself from my +pretty kettle of fish. For to have denounced myself as the real alarmist +would have rendered the affair more, rather than less, discreditable to +my feminine companion, and I should have been arraigned before the +solemn bar of a police-court magistrate, who might even have made a Star +Chamber matter of the incident. + +All is well that is well over, but when you have been once bitten, you +become doubly bashful. Consequently, this humble self will take care +that he does not on any subsequent occasion travel alone in a railway +compartment with a female woman. + + + + +XII + +_Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise._ + + +Diligent perusers of my lucubrations to _Punch_ will remember that I +have devoted sundry jots and tittles to the subject of Miss JESSIMINA +MANKLETOW, and already may have concluded that I was long since up to +the hilt in the tender passion. In this deduction, however, they would +have manufactured a stentorian cry from an extreme paucity of wool; the +actual fact being that, although percipient of the well-proportionate +symmetry of her person and the ladylike liveliness of her deportment, I +did never regard her except with eyes of strictly platonic philandering +and calf love. + +It is true that, at certain seasons, the ostentatious favours she would +squander upon other young masculine boarders in my presence did reduce +me to the doleful dump of despair, so that even the birds and beasts of +forest shed tears at my misery, and frequently at meal-times I have +sought to move her to compassion by neighing like horse, or by the +incessant rolling of my visual organs; though she did only attribute +such _ad misericordiam_ appeals to the excessive gravity of the cheese, +or the immaturity of the rhubarb pie. + +But I was then a labourer under the impression that I was the odd man +out of her affections, and it is well known that, to a sensitive, it is +intolerable to feel that oneself is not the object of adoration, even to +one to whom we may entertain but a mediocre attraction. + +On a recent evening we had a _tete-a-tete_ which culminated in the utter +surprise. It was the occasion of our hebdomadal dancing-party at +Porticobello House, and I had solicited her to become a copartner with +this unassuming self in the maziness of a waltz; but, not being the +carpet-knight, and consequently treading the measure with too great +frequency upon the toes of my fair auxiliary, she suggested a temporary +withdrawal from circulation. + +To which I assenting, she conducted me to a landing whereon was a small +glazed apartment, screened by hangings and furnished with a profusion of +unproductive pots, which is styled the conservatory, and here we did sit +upon two wicker-worked chairs, and for a while were mutually _sotto +voce_. + +Presently I, remarking with corner of eye the sumptuousness of her +appearance, and the supercilious indifference of her demeanour, which +made it seem totally improbable that she should ever, like _Desdemona_, +seriously incline to treat me as an _Othello_, commenced to heave the +sighs of a fire-stove, causing Miss JESSIMINA to accuse me of desiring +myself in India. + +I denied this with native hyperbolism, saying that I was content to +remain in _statu quo_ until the doom cracked, and that the conservatory +was for me the equivalent of Paradise. + +She replied that its similitude to Paradise would be more startling if a +larger proportion of the pots had contained plants, and if such plants +as there were had not fallen into such a lean and slippered stage of +decrepitude, adding that she did perpetually urge her mamma to incur the +expense of some geranium-blooms and a few fairy-lamps, but she had +refused to run for such adornments. + +[Illustration: "I BECAME ONCE MORE THE SILENT TOMB."] + +And I, with spontaneous gallantry, retorted that she was justified in +such parsimony, since her daughter's eyes supplied such fairy +illumination, and upon her cheeks was a bloom brighter than many +geraniums. But this compliment she unhappily mistook as an insinuation +that her complexion was of meretricious composition, and seeing that I +had put my foot into a _cul-de-sac_, I became once more the silent tomb, +and exhaled sighs at intervals. + +Presently she declared once more that she saw, from the dullness of my +expression, that I was longing for the luxurious magnificence of my +Indian palace. + +Now my domestic abode, though a respectable spacious sort of residence, +and containing my father, mother, married brothers, &c., together with a +few antique unmarried aunts, is not at all of a palatial +architecture; but it is a bad bird that blackens his own nest, and so I +merely answered that I was now so saturated with Western civilisation, +that I had lost all taste for Oriental splendours. + +Next she inquired whether I did not miss the tiger-shooting and +pig-sticking; and I replied (with veraciousness, since I am not the _au +fait_ in such sports) that I could not deny a liability to miss both +tigers and pigs, and, indeed, all animals that were _ferae naturae_, and +she condemned the hazardousness of these jungle sports, and wished me to +promise that I would abstain from them on my return to India. + +To this I replied that before I agreed to such a self-denying ordinance, +I desired to be more convinced of the sincerity of her interest in the +preservation of my humble existence. + +Miss JESSIMINA asked what had she done that I should be in dubitation as +to her _bona fides_? + +Then I did meekly remind her of her flirtatious preferences for the +young beef-witted London chaps, and her incertitude and disdainful +capriciousness towards myself, who was not a beetlehead or an obtuse, +but a cultivated native gentleman with high-class university degree, and +an oratorical flow of language which was infallibly to land me upon the +pinnacle of some tip-top judicial preferment in the Calcutta High Court +of Justice. + +She made the excuse that she was compelled by financial reasons to be +pleasant to the male boarders, and that I could not expect any marked +favouritism so long as I kept my tongue concealed inside my damask cheek +like a worm in bud. + +Upon which, transported by uncontrollable emotion, I ventured to embrace +her, assuring her that she was the cynosure of my neighbouring eyes, and +supplied the vacuum and long-felt want of my soul, and while occupied in +imprinting a chaste salute upon her rosebud lips--who'd have thought it! +her severe matronly parent popped in through the curtains and, surveying +me with a cold and basilican eye, did demand my intentions. + +Nor can I tell what I should have responded, seeing that I had acted +from momentary impulsiveness and feminine encouragement, had not Miss +JESSIMINA, with ready-made female wit, answered for me that it was all +right, and that we were the engaged couple. + +But her mother expressed an ardent desire to hear my _viva voce_ +corroboration of this statement, informing me that she was but a poor +weak widow-woman, but that, if it should appear that I was merely the +giddy trifler of her daughter's young, artless affections, it would be +her dolesome duty to summon instantaneously every male able-bodied +inmate of her establishment, and request them to inflict deserved +corporal chastisement upon my person! + +So, although still of a twitter with amazement at Miss JESSIMINA'S +announcement, I considered it the better part of valour to corroborate +it with promptitude, rather than incur the shocking punches and kicks of +numerous athletic young commercials; and, upon hearing the piece of good +news, Mrs MANKLETOW exploded into lachrymation, saying that she was +divested of narrow-minded racial colour prejudices, and had from the +first regarded me as a beloved son. + +Then, blessing me, and calling me her Boy, she clasped me against her +bosom, where, owing to the exuberant redundancy of her ornamental +jetwork, my nose and chin received severe laceration and disfigurement, +which I endured courageously, without a whimper. + +When I have grown more accustomed to being the lucky dog, I shall +commence cockahooping, and become merry as a grig. At the present moment +I am only capable of wonderment at the unpremeditated rapidity with +which such solemn concerns as betrothals are knocked off in this +country. + +But if, as _Macbeth_ says, such jobs are to be done at all, then it is +well they were done quickly. + + + + +XIII + +_Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations in a + Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that Mr Jabberjee + failed to understand._ + + +My preceding article announced the important intelligence of my +betrothal, in which I was then too much the neophyte to express any very +opinionated judgment as to the pros or cons of my approaching +_benediction_ as a _Benedick_ (if I may be allowed a somewhat humorous +pun). + +_L'appetit vient en mangeant_, and I am blessing my stars more fervidly +every day for the lucky windfall which has bolted upon me from the blue. + +All the select boarders were speedily informed of my engagement, and the +males though profuse in their congratulations, did manifest their +green-eyed monster by sundry veiled chucklings and rib-pokings, while +the ladies--especially Miss SPINK--are become less pressing in their +attentions, and address me as "Prince" with increased frequency, and in +a tone of tittering acidulation. + +This, however, is attributable to natural disappointment; for it was +notorious that all of them, even the least prepossessing, were on the +tiptoe of languishing expectancy that I should cast my handkerchief in +one of their directions. But the feminine nature is not capable of +sustaining the good-fortune of another member of their sex with +good-humoured complacency! + +On the other hand, I enjoy many privileges and bonuses. I am permitted +to enter Mrs MANKLETOW'S private parlour _ad libitum_, and there +converse with my beloved, calling her "JESSIE," and even embrace her in +moderation. I may also embrace her Mother, and address her as "Mamma," +which affords me raptures of a less tumultuous kind. + +Moreover now, when I conduct my _inamorata_ to an entertainment, it is +no longer _de rigueur_ for any third party to impersonate a gooseberry! + +The mention of entertainments reminds me that, a few evenings ago, I +escorted her to a music-hall, wherein, although I had previously +believed myself a past master in the shibboleth of London Cockneyisms +and technical terminology, I heard and saw much which was _au bout de +mon Latin_, and the head impossible to be made out of the tail. + +_E.g._, there were two young lady-performers alleged by the programme to +be "Serios and Bone Soloists," whereas they were the reverse of +lugubrious; nor were their physiognomies fleshless or osseous; but, on +the contrary, so shapely and well-favoured that JESSIE did remonstrate +with me upon the perseverance with which I gazed at them. + +And I could not at all find anyone to explain to me the difference +between a "_Comedian_" and a "_Comic_"; or a "_Comedian and Patterer_" +and an "_Eccentric Comedian_"; or a "_Society Belle_" and a "_Burlesque +Artiste_"; or, again, "_A Sketch Artiste_" and a "_Speciality Dancer_." +For to me they seemed precisely similar. There were "_four Charming +Lyric Sisters_," who performed a dance in long expansive skirts, and in +conclusion did all turn heels-over-head in simultaneity; but this, it +seems, was--contrary to my own expectancy--_not_ to dance a speciality. +Speaking for my humble part, I am respectfully of opinion that lovely +woman loses in queenly dignity by the abrupt execution of a somersault; +however, the feat did indubitably excite vociferous applause from the +spectators. + +Further there appeared a couple of Duettists in ordinary evening +habiliments, who sang in unison with egregious melodiousness. One was +plump as a partridge; the other thin as a weasel; and they related how +they were both the adorers of a certain lovely damsel called "SALLY," +who was the darling of their co-operative hearts, and resided in their +Alley. And of all the days in the week they loved Sunday, because then +they were dressed in all their best, and went for a walk with SALLY. + +I should have thought that it was not humanly feasible for SALLY to +continue such periodical promenades without exhibiting some preferential +kind of choice, either for the partridge or the weasel, and that such a +triangular courtship and triple alliance would infallibly terminate in +the apple of discord, but JESSIE did assure me that it was quite usual +and the correct cheese for a girl to have more than one beau upon her +string. + +[Illustration: "IN GARBAGE OF UNPARAGONED SHABBINESS."] + +I made the further observation that the Comedians and Comics must be +reduced to extreme pauperism, since they presented themselves before a +well-dressed, respectable audience in garbage of unparagoned shabbiness, +and with hair of unbrushed wildness, and needing immediate tonsure. + +One songster did offer some excuse for the poverty of his appearance, +telling us his hard case, how that he was occupied in declaring his +passion to a beauteous damsel, when she was "all over him in a minute," +and, while he was making love to the pretty stars above, she cleared out +all his pockets in a minute! At which many laughed; but, though Jove is +said to regard lovers' perjuries with cachinnation, I could not help +feeling the most pitiable sympathy for such a disappointing conclusion +to a love affair, seeing that it is impossible for the comeliest nymph +who returns her admirer's devotion by stealing his purse, and similar +trash, to remain posed any longer upon the towering pedestal of an +ideal. Upon making this remark to JESSIE, however, she uttered the +repartee that I was the silly noodle; though she is, I am sure, +notwithstanding her attachment to gewgaws, not capable of descending +personally to such light-fingered tactics. + +I was additionally bewildered by a chorus chanted by one of the Society +Belles, which I took down _verbatim_, in the hope of a solution. It was +as follows: "For I like a good liar, indeed I do! Provided he comes out +with something new! But why did he tell me that story with whiskers on, +why, why, why?" + +Now to me it is wholly incomprehensible that the female intelligence +should admire mendacity in the opposite sex on the sole conditions that +the said liar should present himself in some novel article of attire, +and, previously to relating his untruth, remove from his cheeks any +hirsute appendages. One of the boarders whom I consulted on the subject +attempted to persuade me that it was the _story_ that had the whiskers; +but it is nonsensical to suppose that a purely abstract affair like an +untruth could be furnished with capillary growth, which belongs to the +concrete department. + +There was a lady described as an "incomparable Comedienne," who was the +victim of unexampled bad luck. For she had purchased a camera (which she +exhibited to the assembly), and with this she had gone about +photographing landscapes and other sceneries. But, lack-a-daisy! no +sooner were they printed than the pictures were discovered to be +irretrievably spoilt by objects in the foreground of such doubtful +propriety that they were not exactly fit to place among her brick-backs, +so she was compelled to keep them in a drawer among her knick-nacks! + +I should have liked her to inform us where such a faulty mechanism was +procured, and why she did not exchange it for one of superior +competency. + +She was succeeded on the stage by a little girl with a hoop, who bore a +striking resemblance to her predecessor, and was probably her infantile +daughter. This child was evidently of a greatly inquisitive disposition, +and asked many questions of her progenitors which they were unable to +answer, bidding her not to bother, and to go away and play. + +Then she asked a juvenile boy (who remained invisible), called "JOHNNY +JONES," and informed us that "she knew now." But I was still in the +total darkness as to the answers, which even JESSIE declared that she +was "_Davus non Oedipus_," and not able to provide with the correct +solutions. + +Upon the whole, I am of opinion that music-halls are more fertile in +mental puzzlement and social problems, and more difficult of +comprehension, than theatrical entertainments. + +This is, no doubt, why the spectators are allowed to consume liquors and +sandwiches throughout the performance, since it is well known that the +brain cannot carry on its _modus operandi_ with efficiency if the +stomach is in the beggarly array of an empty box! + + + + +XIV + +_Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An invitation to a + Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with what he thought of the + ceremony, and how he distinguished himself on the occasion._ + + +There is a certain English young fellow-student of mine--to wit and +_videlicet_, HOWARD ALLBUTT-INNETT, Esquire, with whom I have succeeded +in scratching an acquaintance at sundry Law Lectures, and in the Library +of my Inn of Court--a most amiable tip-top young chap, who is "the +moulded glass of fashionable form," and cap-in-hand with innumerable +aristocratic nobs. + +Seeing that I had (at an earlier period) been a more diligent attendant +and note-taker of lectures than himself, he did pay me the transcendent +compliment of borrowing the loan of my note-book, which, to my grateful +astonishment, he condescended to bring back personally to Porticobello +House, saying that he had found my notes magnificent, and totally +incomprehensible to his more limited intellect! + +In _additum_, he graciously accepted my invitation to ascend to the +drawing-room, where I introduced him freely to several select lady +boarders as my _alter ego_ and _Fidus Achates_. + +On taking his leave, he expressed some marvelling that I should have +concealed my superior rank under the reticence of a napkin, having +observed that I was addressed as "Prince" by more than one of the +softer-sexed boarders. + +I replied that I attached no valid importance to the _nominis umbra_ of +such a barren title, and that the contents of what there is nothing in +must necessarily be naught. + +He answered me warmly that he entirely joined issue with me in such an +opinion, and that he was often affected to sickishness by the snobbery +of mundane society, adding that he hoped I would give him the look up at +his paternal mansion in Prince's Square, Bayswater, shortly, since his +people would be overjoyed at making my acquaintance, which both +enraptured and surprised me, for hitherto he had ridden the high and +rough-shoed horse, and employed me to suck my brains as a cat's foot. + +And odzookers! before many days I was the recipient of a silver-lettered +missive, stating that Mr and Mrs LEOFRIC ALLBUTT-INNETT did request the +honour of Prince JABBERJEE'S company at the marriage of their daughter, +CLORINDA ISABEL, with Mr OVERTON WOODBEIGH-SMART, at a certain sacred +Bayswater edifice. + +This I eagerly accepted, perceiving that my friend must have eulogised +to his parents my legal accomplishments and forensic acumen. + +[Illustration: "THE SPECTATORS SALUTED ME WITH SHOUTS OF JOY AS THE +RETURNED SHAHZADAR."] + +When I did, in all my best, obey, alighting at the church in my embossed +cap, shawl neckcloth, a pair of yellow glove-kids, and patented Japan +shoes, the spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned +SHAHZADAR, which caused me to bow profusely, while the driver of the +hansom petitioned an additional sixpence. + +The interior of the church was dim and crowded with feminines, and I +could only hear flutters and rustlings, together with a subdued mumble +at the remoter end--which I ascertained to be the ceremony. Then +followed the long stop and awkward pause, accompanied on the organ, and +at length all the company stood on seats and the tiptoe of expectation, +as the bridal procession moved slowly down the central passage amidst +the congratulations of their friends and nearest relations. + +Not being desirous to hide under a bushel, I did press myself forward, +and addressing a lady whom I took to be the bride, I felicitated her +loudly, wishing that she might never become a widow, or use vermilion on +her grey head, and that she might wear the iron bangle, and get seven +male children. + +Unhappily the serene ray of my goodwill was born to blush unseen in the +dark unfathomed cave of a desert ear, for the actual recipient of my +compliments was an unmarried spinster relative, who had already passed +the years of discretion. + +Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT welcomed me with cordial effusiveness, insisting that +I should honour them by visiting their residence, and critically +inspecting the nuptial gifts, to which I consented. + +On my arrival, I held a lengthy colloquy with the happy bridegroom, from +whom I was anxious to obtain particulars of English marriage customs, +such as whether he would be required to spend the evening in having his +ears pulled, and other facetious banterings by his mother-in-law and +sisters-in-law, as in India. + +But he seemed oppressed by so severe a bashfulness that I could extract +no information from him, and presently the father of the bride came up +and conducted me into an apartment wherein was a kind of bazaar, or +exhibition of clocks and lamps and stationery cases and knives and forks +and other trinkets and gewgaws, none of which appeared to me at all +different from similar objects in shop windows. + +However, the greatest admiration and wonderment were expressed by all +who entered, and I found that the host was under grave apprehensiveness +that the presents might be looted by the more unscrupulous of the +guests, for he pointed out to me a sharp-eyed, shy gentleman in a +corner, who, he informed me, was a disguised police-officer. This, at +first, I was loth to believe, but was assured that it was a necessary +precaution. + +Still, I will presume to point out that the simulation by a policeman of +the ordinary character of a friend of the family and fellow-rejoicer, is +a rather reprehensible trap to catch a sleeping weasel, since those +whose honesty is not invariably above par may be lulled into the false +security by his civilian get-up. And I did assure him, privately, that +it was totally unnecessary to keep an eye on myself, who was a native +University man with no necessity or natural taste for peculation, but +that I would infallibly inform him if I should succeed at detecting any +attempted dishonesty. + +Later I was ushered into the refreshment-room, and partook of a pink +ice, with champagne-wine and strawberries, after which I entreated leave +of Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT to deliver a nuptial oration. And she, overjoyed +at my happy thought, did loudly request silence for Prince JABBERJEE, +who was to utter a few very brief utterances. + +So as they became all ears, I addressed them, describing how, in my +native country, at such a bridal feast and blow-out, it was customary +for the bridegroom's mother to eat a sevenfold repast, for fear of a +subsequently empty stomach; but the bride's mother, on the contrary, +will touch nothing, feeling that the more she fasts then, the more +provender will fall to her later on. And I facetiously added that, on +the present occasion, I had the certainty that both the mothers might +indulge their appetites _ad libitum_. + +Next I recounted how, during a former boyish wedding of my own, my +wife's mother after, as was befitting, setting a conical tinselled cap +upon my head, and placing ten rings of twigs upon my ten fingers, and +binding my hands with a weaver's shuttle, did say, "I have bound thee, +and bought thee with cowries, and put a shuttle between thy fingers; now +bleat then like a lamb." Whereupon I, being of a jokish disposition, +did, unexpectedly and contrary to usage, cry "Baa" loudly, causing my +mother-in-law to fear that I was a dull--until that night in the Zenana +she had the great happiness to overhear me outwitting all the females +present by the sprightliness of my badinage. + +And I was proceeding, amidst vociferous cachinnation, to enumerate some +of my most lively sallies, when the bride's father did take me by the +arm, and drawing me aside, inform me that the young couple were just +about to start for their wedding journey, and that I was urgently +required to see them depart. + +I observed that here, as with us, it is _de regle_ to scatter rice upon +the head of the bridegroom--but neither treacle nor spices. Moreover, +this complimentary shower is extended to the bride and the +carriage-horses, and hurled with athletic vigorousness, while it is a +point of honour to knock off the coachman's hat with a female satin +slipper. + +I was disappointed to see that both the happy pair had cast aside their +gorgeous wedding garments, and put on quite ordinary and everyday +attire, which, if not due to excessive parsimoniousness, must originate +in a shamefaced desire to conceal their state of connubiality though it +might be reasonably anticipated that they should rather be anxious to +manifest their triumphant good-luck _pro bono publico_. + + + + +XV + +_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour of his + betrothed. His doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding + Establishment, with some scathing remarks upon ambitious pretenders. + He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance._ + + +The pleasing impression produced by this humble self upon both Mister +and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT at the wedding of their eldest daughter became +speedily prolific of golden fruit in the request of the honour of my +company for dinner at 8.15 P.M. on a subsequent evening. + +Incidentally recounting this prime compliment to my lovely JESSIMINA, I +was astounded that she did not share my jubilations, but was, on the +contrary, the sore subject at not being included in such invitation, +which, as I explained, was totally irrational, seeing that the inviters +remained unaware of her nude existence. She, however, maintained that I +ought to have mentioned that I was an affianced, and have refused to sit +at any banquet at which she was fobbed off with a cold shoulder. This +again was absurd, since the moiety of a loaf is preferable to total +deprivation of the staff of life, and moreover, in my country, it is +customary for the husband-elect to take his meals apart from his bride +that is to be; nor does she ever touch food until he has previously +assuaged his pangs of hunger. Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified +until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best English +workmanship, as an olive-branch and calumet of peace. + +But, outside Porticobello House, I have been close as wax on the subject +of my flowery chains, and it was especially inconceivable that I should +inform my friend HOWARD of same, since he has frequently bantered me in +wonderment that a respectable Oriental magnate should reside in such a +very ordinary and third-rate boarding establishment, where it was an +impossibility to gain any real familiarity with smart and refined +English society. + +[Illustration: "SOME HAUGHTY MASCULINE MIGHT INSULT HER UNDER MY VERY +NOSE."] + +And who knows that if I should introduce Miss JESSIE into company of a +superior caste, some haughty masculine might insult her under my very +nose; and lack-a-daisy! where would she find a protector? + +I am certainly oppressed by an increasing dubiety whether Mrs MANKLETOW +is verily such an upper crustacean and _habituee_ of the _beau monde_ as +she did represent herself to be. It is well-nigh incomprehensible that +any individual should seek to appear of a higher social status than +Nature has provided; but my youthful acquaintance, ALLBUTT-INNETT, Jun., +Esq., informs me that this is a common failing among the English +classes, who fondly imagine that nothing is needed to render a frog the +exact equivalent to an ox except an increased quantity of air, +forgetting that if a frog is abnormally inflated, it is apt to provide +the rather ludicrous catastrophe of exploding from excessive +swellishness! + +However _revenons a nos moutons_--_id est_, the dinner party. + +I intended to be the early bird at Prince's Square, but, owing to a +rarity among the hansom cabs, did not arrive until most of the guests +were already assembled, being welcomed with effusive hospitality by the +household god and goddess, Mr and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT, who begged leave +to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends. + +Then--_pop_, and _a l'improviste_--the door was thrown open, and a +butler announced _ore rotundo_, Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, whom, in the +wink of an eye, I recognised as an ex-Justice of the very court in +Calcutta in which my male progenitor practises as a mook-tear, or +attorney, and who, moreover, was familiar with myself almost _ab ovo_, +having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said +father, with a request for his patronising opinion of my abilities, and +the feasibility of my education at a London Inn of Court! + +Oh, my gracious! I was as if to sink through the carpet, and sought to +draw in my horns of dilemma behind a column, when, to my uncontrollable +dismay, my hostess led him towards me, with the remark that he was +probably already acquainted in India with His Highness Prince JABBERJEE. + +The Hon'ble Retired Judge at this did merely smile indulgently, +observing that India was a country of considerable extensiveness, and +inquiring of me in my own tongue where my _raj_ was situated, and the +strength of my army, though with a scintillation in his visual organs +that told me he knew me perfectly well. + +And I, realising that honesty was my best policy of insurance from his +displeasure, did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the Court, +protesting volubly in native language that I was an industrious poor +Bengali boy, and had always regarded him as my beloved father; that I +was not to blame because certain foolish, ignorant persons imagined me +to be some species of Rajah; and earnestly representing to him that our +kind mutual hostess would be woefully distressed by any disclosures. +"Let your Hon'ble Ludship," I said, "only remain hermetically sealed, +and preserve this as a trade secret, and my sisters, sisters-in-law, and +aunts shall always chant hymns on the Ganges for your Honour's +felicities!" + +His Honour, laughing good-naturedly, did tell me that if I liked to +assume the plumes of a daw, it was no affair of his, and kindly promised +to respect my confidences--at which I was greatly relieved. Indeed, +throughout the evening, nothing could exceed his affability, for, being +seated on the other side of the hostess, opposite myself, he showed me +the greatest honour and deference, frequently requesting my views on +such subjects as Increased Representation of the People of India, the +National Congress, and so forth; upon which, being now perfectly +reassured and at my ease, I discoursed with facundity, and did loudly +extol the intellectual capacity of the Bengalis, as evinced by +marvellous success in passing most difficult exams., and denouncing it +as a crying injustice and beastly shame that fullest political powers +should not be conceded to them, and that they should not be eligible for +all civil appointments _pari passu_, or even in priority to Englishmen. + +Wherein his Honour did warmly agree, assuring me with fatherly +benignancy of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to +be Head of a District somewhere on the Punjab frontier, and mentioning +how a certain native Bengali gentleman of his acquaintance, +Deputy-Commissioner GRISH CHUNDER DE, Esq., M.A., had distinguished +himself splendidly (according to the printed testimony of Hon'ble +KIPLING) in such a post of danger. + +I replied, that I was not passionately in love with personal danger, and +that in my case _cedant arma togae_, and my tongue was mightier than my +sword, but that there was no doubt that we Bengalis were intellectually +competent to govern the whole country, provided only that we were backed +up from behind by a large English military force to uphold our +authority, as otherwise we should soon be the pretty pickles, owing to +brutal violence from Sikhs, Rajputs, Marathas, and similar uncivilised +coarse races. + +And Sir CHETWYND expressed his lively satisfaction that I appreciated +some of the advantages of the British occupation. + +Thus, through my presence of mind in boldly grappling with the nettle, I +turned what might have been a disaster into a conspicuous triumph, for +all the company, seeing the favour I was in with such a big wig as +Hon'ble CUMMERBUND, listened to me with spell-bound enchantment, +especially my friend HOWARD'S sprightly young sister, a damsel of +distinguished personal attractiveness, who was seated on my other side. +Her birth-name is LOUISA-GWENDOLEN; but her family and intimates, so she +did inform me, call her "WEE-WEE." + +Of the dinner itself I can speak highly, as being inexpressibly +superior, both in stylishness of service and for the quality of the +food, etc., to any meals hitherto furnished by Mrs MANKLETOW'S mahogany +board. Nevertheless, I wondered to find the ALLBUTT-INNETTS behind the +times in one respect, viz., the lighting, which was with old-fashioned +candles and semi-obscured lamps, instead of the more modern and +infinitely more brilliant illumination of gas! Here, at least, though in +other particulars of very mediocre elegance, I must pronounce +Porticobello House the more up to date. + +In taking leave, I did thank Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND profusely +for so discreetly retaining its feline contents within the generous bag +of his mouth, whereat he clapped my back very cordially, advising me to +abstain for the future from a super-abundance of frills, since the +character of a diligent legal native student was a precious lily that +needed no princely gilding, and adding that he was indebted to me for a +most entertaining and mirthful evening. This I do not understand, as I +had not uttered any of the facetious puns and conceits wherewith it is +my _wont_--when I _will_[1]--to set the table in a simper. + +But possibly I may have spoken rather humorously unawares, and it is +proverbial that these exalted legal luminaries are pleased with a +rattle and tickled by a straw. + +On my return I did omit to mention Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA; but, after +all, _cui bono_? + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] This is a fairly sample specimen, though I have frequently surpassed +it in waggish drollery.--_H. B. J._ + + + + +XVI + +_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare._ + + +I have frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a eulogium +concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of Hon'ble WILLIAM +SHAKSPEARE. It has been remarked, with some correctness, that he did not +exist for an age, but all the time; and though it is the open question +whether he did not derive all his ideas from previous writers, and even +whether he wrote so much as a single line of the plays which are +attributed to his inspired nib, he is one of the institutions of the +country, and it is the correct thing for every orthodox British subject +to admire and understand him even when most incomprehensible. + +Consequently I did cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from +my friend ALLBUTT-INNETT, Jun., Esq., on behalf of his parents, that I +should accompany them on an excursion by rail to Stratford-upon-Avon, +where the said poet had his domicile of origin. + +And so great was my enthusiasm that, during the journey, I declaimed, +_ore rotundo_, certain select passages from his works which I had +committed to memory during the salad days of my schoolboyishness, and +with such effect that Miss WEE-WEE ALLBUTT-INNETT (who is excessively +emotional) was compelled, at times, to veil her countenance in the +recesses of a pocket-handkerchief. + +Having at length arrived at that hallowed and sacred spot, the very name +of which sends a sweet and responsive thrill through every educated +bosom, our first proceeding was to partake of a copious cold tiffin. + +This repast we ordered at an old-fashioned hostelry, whose doorway was +decorated by a counterfeit presentment of the Bard, and I observed that +similar effigies were placed above several of the shops as I walked +along the streets. These images somewhat resemble those erected to +Buddha in certain parts of India, being similarly bald, but +terminating--not in crossed legs, but a cushion with tassels. However, I +was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most +ignorant inhabitants to do anything in the nature of poojah before these +figures any longer, though probably usual enough before CROMWELL, with +the iron sides, ordered all such baubles to be removed. In a hole of the +upper wall of the Town Hall there is a life-size statuary of SHAKSPEARE, +with legs complete, showing that he was not actually deficient in such +extremities and a mere gifted Torso: and it is presumable that the +reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is, that +marble in these parts is too precious a commodity to be wasted on mere +superfluities. + +We visited the church, and saw his tomb, and there again was the +superior half of him occupied with writing verses on a cushion in a +mural niche, supported by pillars. Upon a slab below is inscribed a +verse requesting that his dust should not be digged, and cursing him who +should interfere with his bones, but in so mediocre a style, and of such +indifferent orthography, that it is considered by some to be a sort of +spurious cryptogram composed by Hon'ble BACON. + +On such a _vexata quaestio_ I am not to give a decided opinion, though +the verse, as a literary composition, is hardly up to the level of +_Hamlet_, and it would perhaps have been preferable if the poet, instead +of attempting an impromptu, had looked out some suitable quotation from +his earlier works. For, when an author is occupied in shuffling off his +mortal coil, it is unreasonable to expect him to produce poetry that is +up to the mark. + +When I advanced this excuse aloud in the church, a party of Americans +within hearing exclaimed, indignantly, that such irreverent levity was a +scandal in a spot which was the Mecca of the entire civilised universe. + +Whereupon I did protest earnestly that I meant no irreverence, being +_nulli secundus_ in respect for the _Genius Loci_, only, as a critic of +English Literature, I could not help regretting that a poet gifted with +every requisite for producing a satisfactory epitaph had produced a +doggerel which was undeniably below his usual par. + +This rendered them of an increased ferocity, until Mr ALLBUTT-INNETT +good naturedly took them into a corner and whispered that I was a very +wealthy young Indian Prince, of great scholastic attainments, but +oppressed by an uncontrollable _naivete_, after which they all came and +shook me by the hand, saying they were very proud to have met me. + +[Illustration: "IT WAS HERE," I SAID, REVERENTLY, "THAT THE SWAN OF AVON +WAS HATCHED!"] + +Afterwards we proceeded to the Birthplace, where a very gentlewomanly +female exhibited the apartment in which the Infant Bard first saw the +light. Alack! there was but little light to behold, being a shockingly +low and dingy room, meagrely furnished with two chairs and a table, on +which was another of the busts. As I came in, I uttered a remark which I +had prepared for the occasion. "It was here," I said, reverently, "here +that the Swan of Avon was hatched!" At which Miss WEE-WEE was again +overcome by emotion. + +The room was greatly in the necessity of whitewash, being black with +smoke and signatures in lead pencil. Even the window-panes were +scratched all over by diamonds, on seeing which, and being also the +possessor of a diamond and gold ring, I was about to inscribe my own +name, but was prevented by the lady custodian. + +I indignantly and eloquently protested that if Hon'ble Sirs, WALTER +SCOTT, Lord BYRON, ISAAC WALTON, WASHINGTON IRVING and Co. were +permitted to deface the glass thus, surely I, who was a graduate of +Calcutta University, and a valuable contributor to London _Punch_, was +equally entitled, since what was sauce for a goose was sauce for a +gander, and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT urged that I was a distinguished +Shakspearian student and Indian prince, but the custodian responded that +she couldn't help that, for it was _ultra vires_, nevertheless. + +However, while she was engaged in pointing out the spot where somebody's +signature had been before it was peeled away, I, snatching the +opportunity behind her back, did triumphantly inscribe my autograph on +the bust's nose. + +In the back-room they showed us where SHAKSPEARE'S father stapled his +wool, which caused Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT to remark that she had always +understood that the poet was of quite humble origin, and that, for her +part, she thought it was all the more creditable to him to have done +what he did do. + +We also inspected the Museum, and were shown SHAKSPEARE'S jug, a rather +ordinary concern; the identical dial which one of the clowns in his +plays drew out of a poke, and a ring with W. S. engraved on it, found +in the churchyard some years ago, and, no doubt, dropped there by the +poet himself, while absorbed in the composition of his famous and +world-renowned elegy. + +There were several portraits of him also, all utterly unlike one +another, or only agreeing in one respect, namely, their total +dissimilarity from the bust. + +We likewise saw the very desk SHAKSPEARE used, after creeping +unwillingly to school with a shining face like a snail's. I was pained +to see evidence of the mischievousness of the juvenile genius, for it +was slashed and hacked to such a doleful degree as to be totally +incapacitated for scholastic use! + +I myself was sprightly in my youth, but never, I am proud to say, to the +extent of wilfully damaging my master's furniture! Before leaving, we +walked to visit the residence of SHAKSPEARE'S wife, which turned out to +be a very humble thatched-roof affair, such as is commonly occupied by +peasants. + +But, as Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT said, it is a sad fact that distinguished +literary characters often make most imprudent marriages. Which put me in +a wonderment whether she had heard anything about myself and Miss +MANKLETOW. + +At one of the bazaars I purchased a beautiful Shakspearian souvenir, in +the form of a coloured porcelain model of SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace, +which can be rendered transparent and luminous by the insertion of a +night-light. + +This I had intended humbly to offer for the gracious acceptance of Miss +WEE-WEE, but having thrust it into a coat-tail pocket, I unfortunately +sat upon it in the train as we were returning. + +So I presented it as a token of remembrance to JESSIMINA, who was +transported with delight at the gift, which she said could be easily +rendered the _statu quo_ by dint of a little diamond cement. + + + + +XVII + +_Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, with the + explanation of such apparent indiscretion._ + + +Since writing my latest contribution I have folded up my tent like an +Arab, and silently stolen away from Porticobello House, this independent +hook being taken under the ostensible and colourable pretext of a +medical opinion that the climate of Bayswater was operating injuriously +upon my internal arrangements, but the real _causa causans_ and _dessous +des cartes_ being a growing disinclination for the society of select +male and female boarders. + +Miss JESSIMINA was naturally bathed in tears at the announcement of my +approaching departure, although I fondly sought to console her by +assurances that my residence in Highbury, Islington, though beyond the +radius and of inaccessible remoteness from Ladbroke Grove, should not +obliterate her brilliant image from the cracked looking-glass of my +heart, and that I would write to her with weekly regularity, and revisit +the glimpses of her moony presence at the first convenient opportunity. + +I do correspond with effusiveness and punctuality through the obliging +medium of a young intimate Indian acquaintance of mine, who does +actually reside at Highbury, and has kindly undertaken to forward my +_billets doux_. + +This stratagem is necessitated by the circumstance that (as a matter of +fact) I am dwelling under a rose at Hereford Road, Westbourne Grove, +which is in convenient proximity to Prince's Square and the stately home +of the ALLBUTT-INNETT family, with whom I am now promoted to become the +tame cat. + +[Illustration: _"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED GENTLEMEN."_ +(frontispiece)] + +In Hereford Road I occupy garishly genteel first-floor front and back +apartments at rupees fifteen per week and the Lady of the Land has +entreated me to kindly excuse the waiting-maid for jumping with +diffidence whenever I pop upon her unpremeditatedly on the stairs, being +a nervous girl and unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen--though +her own countenance, from superabundance of blacking and smuts, being of +a far superior nigritude, it is I myself who should be more justified in +jumping. + +However, she is already becoming the _habituee_, and seldom drops the +crockery-ware now--except when I simper with too beaming a +condescension. + +Certain of my readers will perhaps hold up the hands of amazement at my +imprudence in disclosing my whereabouts, and other private concerns, in +the publicity of a popular periodical--but there is method in such +madness; they do not take in _Punch_ at Porticobello House, considering +that one penny (or even the moiety of that sum) is more correct value +for funny and comical illustrated journalism, while the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, +although they see _Punch_ weekly do not peruse the literary contents, +especially in the season, when, as Mrs A.-I. frequently remarks, they +are in such a constant whirl of social dissipation that they have +absolutely no time for serious reading. + +At first I was severely mortified that--so far as my acquaintances were +concerned--these tittlings and jottings should be thus written with +water, but I have since made the discovery that my cloud of +disappointment is internally lined with precious silver. + + + + +XVIII + +_Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses._ + + +Since shaking the dust off my feet at Porticobello House, I have not +succeeded to pluck the courage for a personal interview with Miss +JESSIMINA, and my correspondence, duly forwarded per Mr BHOOBONE LALL +JALPANYBHOY, of Highbury, has consisted mainly of abject excuses for +non-attendance on plea of over-study for Bar Exam, and total incapacity +to journey due to excessive disorderliness in stomach department. + +This, unhappily, at length inspired her with the harrowing dread that I +was on the point of being launched into the throes of eternity, if not +already as dead as Death's door-nail, and so, with feminine want of +reflection, she performed a hurried pilgrimage to Highbury. + +Now, whether on account of the beetleheadedness of a domestic, or Baboo +JALPANYBHOY'S incompetency in the art of equivocation, I am not to +say--but the sequel of her inquiries was the unshakable conviction that +I had not struck root in the habitation from which my letters were +ostensibly addressed. + +And in a subsequently forwarded letter she did reproach me pathetically +with my duplicity, and accused me of being a fickle--by which I was so +unspeakably cut up that I abstained from the condescension of a +rejoinder. + +Next I became the involuntary recipient of another letter in more +intemperate style, menacing me that with a hook or a crook, she would +dislodge me from the loophole in which I was snugly established, and +that several able-bodied boarders were the hue of a full cry in pursuit. + +Since Hereford Road is in dangerous proximity to Ladbroke Grove, I was +sitting tight in my apartments on receipt of this grave intelligence, +with funk in my heart, and the Unknown hovering above me, when my young +friend HOWARD ALLBUTT-INNETT, Esq., arrived with his bicycle, like a god +on a machine, and perceiving the viridity of my countenance, inquired +sympathetically what was up. + +At first, being mindful of the excessive liveliness with which he had +bantered my residence in a boarding-house of such mediocre pretensions, +I was naturally disinclined to reveal that I was in the plight of troth +with the proprietress's daughter; but eventually I overcame my coyness, +and uncovered the pretty kettle of fish of my _infandum dolorem_, and my +ardent longing to hit upon some plan to extricate myself from the +suffocating coils of such a Laocoon. + +"My dear old chap," he said kindly, after I had unfolded the last link +of my tale of woe, "I will put you up in a dodge that will perform the +trick. Don't see the young woman, or she will get round you with half a +jiffy. Write to her that you are not worthy of a rap, and no more a +Prince than I am!" + +Hearing his last words, I started, and did, like the ghost of _Hamlet_, +Senior, "jump at this dead hour," being convinced that young HOWARD had +found out (perhaps from Hon'ble CUMMERBUND) that my title was a bogus, +and anticipating that, if he divulged the skeleton of my bare cupboard +to his highly genteel parents, I should infallibly experience the +crushing mortification of a chuck out. + +However, I hid the fox that was nibbling my vitals by inquiring, in a +rather natural accent, what he meant by such a suggestion. + +"Are you such an innocent, simple old Johnny, Prince," he said, with +reassuring _bonhomie_, "as not to catch the idea? Do you not know that +European feminines in all ranks of society--alack, even in our own!--are +immoderately attracted by anyone possessed of riches and a title--or of +either of the two? As an _au fait_ in the female temperament, I shall +wager that it is nine out of ten that if you spoof this mercenary young +minx into believing that you are merely a native impecunious nonentity, +and not to be shot at with powder, she will instantaneously drop +pursuing such a hot potato." + +To this speech (reported _verbatim_ to best of my ability) I did shake +my head sorrowfully, and reply that I greatly feared that JESSIMINA'S +devotion to this unlucky self was too severe to be diverted, or even +checked, like a cow that is infuriated or _non compos mentis_, by the +mere relinquishment of such tinsel and gewgaw wraps as a title or +worldly belongings, having frequently (and that, too, _prior_ to our +engagement) protested her preference for very dark-complexioned +individuals, and her vehement curiosity to behold India. + +[Illustration: "ASCENDED HIS BICYCLE WITH A WAGGISH WINKLE IN HIS EYE."] + +But he, as he ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye, +repeated that I might try it on at all events. + +Still, I could not induce myself to adopt his spoofish strategy, for I +reflected that, though it might convince her that I was unmarriageable, +it would only increase her fury and the vengeance of her champion +boarders. So at length I composed a moving epistle, as follows:-- + + INCOMPARABLE--THOUGH LACK-A-DAISY! + INACCESSIBLE--JESSIMINA! + +Poet SHAKSPEARE has shrewdly observed that "a true lover never did run a +straight course," and the sincerity of present writer's affection is +incontestably proved by his apparent crookedness of running, and keeping +dark outside the illuminating rays of thy moon-like countenance. The +cause is the unforeseen cataclysm of a decree from my family astrologer +or _dowyboghee_, whom I have anxiously consulted upon our joint +matrimonial prospects. [MEM. TO THE READERS.--_This was what young +~HOWARD~ would term "~the bit of spoof~." I am no ninny-hammer to +consult an exploded astrologer!_] _Miserabile dictu!_ the venerable and +senile pundit reports that such an alliance would infallibly plunge us +into the peck of troubles, since the sign of your natal month is the +meek and innocent Lamb--while mine is the more ferocious Lion! + +A very slight familiarity with Natural History, &c., will show you the +utter incompatibility of temper between such an uncongenial couple of +animals, and the correctness of said astrologer's prediction that it +must infallibly be the Lamb who would be whiphanded in the unequal +conflict. + +In consequence, though I am beating the floor with my head as I write, +and moistening the carpet with the copiousness of my lachrymations, I +must bid you the final and irrevocable adieu and _au revoir_, since I am +unwilling to act as a selfish. Think of me as "a prince out of thy +star," to quote the reference of SHAKSPEARE'S character, _Polonius_, to +_Hamlet_, under precisely similar circumstances. You will please forget +me _instanter_, and accept this as my last solemn so-long, which I utter +on the threshold of preparation for the stern and dreaded ordeal of Bar +Exam. In frantic haste, + +Your ever faithful and broken-hearted Baboo, + + HURRY. + +P.S.--_No answer required._ + +But after an interval of a very few posts, in spite of my strict +injunctions to contrary, I got the answer that she was deeply moved by +my self-sacrifice, and had never loved me more. Having been brought up +in a Christian disbelief of all astronomy, she was not in fear of my +"doweybogey" or any other native bogies, and nothing should part us, if +she could help it. She added, that I had been seen about Westbourne +Grove recently. + +On receipt of this touching and beautiful communication I was again in +the stampede of panic, and realised that I must have immediate resort to +some stronger description of "Spoof." + +It is calamitous that I cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single +exception of my young friend HOWARD'S dodge, which I fear will prove too +filamentous. + +However, a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady! + + + + +XIX + +_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and + sympathetic reception._ + + +In my last I had the honour to report the total non-success of my +endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological objections, and +how I was consequentially up the tree of embarrassment. + +I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have +confessed to Miss MANKLETOW in a well-expressed curt letter that I am +only the possessor of a courtesy title, and, so far from rolling on the +rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon +parental remittances for pin-money. + +For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her politely to +my benevolent friend and patron, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, Nevern Square, +South Kensington; to whom I simultaneously wrote a private and +confidential note, instructing him that if any young female person was +to inquire particulars of my birth, origin, &c., he was to tell the +truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making it +clear that I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy +lucre. + +The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident hopes +that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by my friend, young +HOWARD, will accomplish the job, and procure me the happy release. + +I am now to pass to a different subject--to wit, a visit I paid some +time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in +conversation with the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, I had boasted freely of the +credit I was in with certain high grade India Official nobs, who could +refuse me nothing. + +Which was hitherto the positive fact, since I had never requested any +favour at their hands. + +But Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT stated that she had heard that the +reception-soirees at said India Office were extremely enjoyable and +classy, and inquired whether I possessed sufficient influence to obtain +for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments. + +Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, and +would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the +senior clerks who regarded me as his brother. + +So, after procuring a _Whitaker Almanack_, and hunting up the name of +one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I +found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and +inquired my business, and upon my statement that I desired to see Mr +BREAKWATER, Esq., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a +marble staircase, at the top of which was a second attendant, also +engaged in brown study--for the attendants appear to be laudably +addicted to the cultivation of their minds. + +He informed me that I should find Mr BREAKWATER'S room down a certain +corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a clerk who was hurrying +along with his hands full of documents, and represented that I had come +for an immediate interview with Mr BREAKWATER on highly important +matters. + +He demanded incredulously whether Mr BREAKWATER expected me. + +This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I was the bosom +friend of said Mr B., who would be overjoyed to receive me, and, +following him into a room, I peremptorily demanded that he should inform +his master without fail that Baboo JABBERJEE was there. + +Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell +and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting-room. + +There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English +and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden nob of my +umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying, +that Mr BREAKWATER could see me now, and presently showed me into the +aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker +baskets containing dockets and memoranda, _et hoc genus omne_, sat the +very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling! + +Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but I am now +sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary +is a frank and breezy apology. + +So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, "I am awfully sorry that I +took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow; but remember +the proverb, that 'appearances are deceitful,' and do not reveal a thin +skin about a rather natural mistake." + +Mr BREAKWATER courteously entreated me not to mention the affair, but to +state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native +Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pass Bar Exam, +and my intimate connection with the distinguished Bayswater family of +the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, who were consumed with longing for free tickets to +an official _soiree_. I then described the transcendent charms of Miss +WEE-WEE, and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by +procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed +out that, as an official in the India Office, he was _in loco parentis_ +to myself, and bound to indulge all my reasonable requests, and I +assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entire +ALLBUTT-INNETT family, self included, would ever pray on the crooked +hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare. + +He heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was not in his +power to oblige me. + +"You are not to suppose," I said, "that I am a native TOM-DICK or HARRY. +I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and candidate for call to Bar. _In +additum_, I am the literary celebrity, being especially retained to jot +and tittle for the periodical of _Punch_." + +Mr BREAKWATER assured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many +distinguished claims, but that he was under an impossibility of granting +my petition for an invite to the annual summer _soiree_, owing to the +fact that aforesaid festivity was already the _fait accompli_. + +"How is that?" I exclaimed. "Have I not read in the daily press of a +grand _durbar_ to be given shortly in honour of Hon'ble HUNG CHANG?" + +"But that is at the Foreign Office," he objected; "we have no connection +with such a concern." + +[Illustration: "PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"] + +"The Foreign Office would be better than nullity," I said. "I will tell +you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign +Office. You can state that you have known me intimately for a long +time, and that I am deserving of patronage. Hint, for instance, that it +is impolitic to show favouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese) +rather than another, and that you will regard any kindness done to me as +the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!" + +He, however, protested that any recommendation from him would be a +_brutum fulmen_. + +"You are too modest, honoured Sir!" I told him, seeing that flattery was +requisite; "but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and +virtues are esteemed, and I can assure you that you are not so +contemptible a nonentity as you imagine. Listen to me; I am now to go to +the Foreign Office, and shall there assume the liberty of mentioning +your distinguished name as a referee." + +With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I +liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart +immediately. + +Seeing him so well-disposed, I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his +shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, "It is all right, old +boy. Remember, I have complete _bona fides_ in your ability to work the +oracle for me successfully." Which rendered him _sotto voce_ with +gratification. + +But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting +like Patience on a Monument for two immortal hours, I was officially +informed that the Principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was +not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally +invisible. + +This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to +conduct a first-class Empire! + + + + +XX + +_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less + successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious + epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results._ + + +I am happy to announce that I have passed the _pons asinorum_ of Bar +Exam with facility of a needle penetrating the camel's eye. _Tant +mieux!_ Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!! + +[Illustration: "HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"] + +My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to fact +that I have only recently received official information of my triumph, +which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with paeans of +transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English brass band, and +delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel. + +And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lincoln's Inn Hall +one Monday shortly before 10 A.M., and received pens, some foolscaps, +and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and +Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat +my head with despair! + +So much so that I began my answers by pathetically imploring my +indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compassion, on ground +that I was an unfortunate Bengalee chap, afflicted by narrow +circumstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity +depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks. + +However, on perusal of the paper, I found that, owing to diligent cram +and native aptitude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it +upon my _caput_, being at home with every description of mortgage, and +having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the +extremities of my finger-ends. + +In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering +nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of +composition, quoting freely from Hon'ble SNELL and UNDERHILL to back my +opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding +that I was required by the paper to "discuss" a certain statement, I +left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a +logomachy. And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a +question in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of +making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the +impossible. + +The ordeal endured for four days. In the Roman Law department, I was +on the spot with _Stillicidium_ and similar servitudes, and in Criminal +Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal +problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I +stated in a _postscriptum_, not being the practical cyclist, I could not +be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that +it was somewhat _infra dig._ for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council +of Legal Education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but +flimsy mechanisms. + +When called up for _viva voce_ purposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by +the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that, +after asking one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction, +and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the +oracle in my favour. + +And so I arrived at the pretty Pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet. +But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct of every pot +of ointment, and while I was still jumping for joy at having passed the +steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from Miss JESSIMINA +which constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose! + +It appeared that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon +Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND, who had duly informed her that I was not the +genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Croesus with +unlimited cash. + +Here, if Hon'ble CUMMERBUND had stopped, or represented me as a +worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well; but most +unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of +respectable, well-to-do parentage, and very industrious young chap with +first-class abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native +Bar. + +JESSIMINA wrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be +attracted by mere rank, and that it was enough for her that I was in the +position to maintain her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to +my promise of marriage, and if I still declined to perform, she would be +reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer. + +On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter +failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly +inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up my +_penna_, inscribed the following epistle: + + MAGNANIMOUS AND EVER ADORABLE JESSIMINA! + +I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable +desire to become the bride of such a man of straw as this undeserving +self, and will no longer offer any factious opposition to your wishes. + +But in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have +omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hymeneal altar, you +will not be alone in your glory. As a Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of +my country, entitled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to +natural timidity and economical reasons, I have not hitherto availed +myself of said privilege. + +However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family +pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight, +and, though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being +celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant +marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair. + +What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally +indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a _sateen_ or +rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially +under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and +sisters-in-law of mine of rather nagging idiosyncracies. But ignorance +of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering and +ill-natured tone of their remarks. + +I can only say that I am quite ready (if you insist upon it) to fulfil +my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which +Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. Mr +CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, of 15 Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my +first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application. + +Ever yours faithfully and devotedly, + + H. B. J. + +In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a strong prejudice +in the mind of European feminines in favour of monogamy, and my letter +(as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed +so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to +hers. + +So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply +that she was astounded with wonderment at the sublimity of my cheek in +supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife, +and that she had communicated with CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, Esq., and if my +statement _re_ infant marriage (which at present she suspected to be a +mere spoof) proved correct, she would certainly decline my insulting +offer. + +Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile, +I shall save my brush from this near shave--provided that Mr +CHUCKERBUTTY RAM has received my tip in time and does not, like Hon'ble +CUMMERBUND, go beyond his instructions. + +But this is not reasonably probable, Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM being a +tolerably discreet, subtle chap. + + + + +XXI + +_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._ + + +Being (to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I +naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most +superficial observer, and with the half of a naked optic, could easily +discern the immeasurable superiority of Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA in all +the refinements and delicacies of a real English lady, and although, up +to present date, the timidity of girlishness has restrained Miss +ALLBUTT-INNETT from reciprocating my increasing spooniness, her parents +and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention +their ardent hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some +time this autumn. + +So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret +chamber of my heart. + +For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the snobbishness of chasing a +tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their +affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the +revelation that he is merely a member of nature's nobility. Rather the +contrary. + +As Poet BURNS remarks with great truthfulness, "_Rank is but a penny +stamp and a Man is a Man and all that._" Nevertheless, for the present, +I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse. + +Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privileged on a +recent evening to escort the ALLBUTT-INNETT ladies to the Empire of +India Exhibition, upon which I shall now pronounce the opinion of an +expert, though space forbids me to describe its multitudinous marvels, +save with the brevity of a soul of wit. + +In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly pious _Yogi_ from Ceylon, +who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs +embracing his neck, or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes +inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of +prayer-making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary +attitudes, especially when exhibited publicly for an _honorarium_. + +I feel proud to narrate that, at Miss WEE-WEE'S urgent entreaties, I +subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the +Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but +a house of cards, or suddenly become totally immobile--though to pass +interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion +might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine +compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without +having hitched anywhere, and I did most firmly decline to fly in the +face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive +balloon. + +The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very +inadequate idea of the principal Calcutta thoroughfares; moreover, to +cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over +native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance +seems a little ludicrous! + +After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the +Empress Theatre, and Miss WEE-WEE made the criticism that the fall of +Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called +defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death +immediately the army of Sultan MAHMUD galloped their horses through the +gateway. + +But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their +discretion. + +It seems--though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in +previous ignorance of the fact--that Sultan MAHMUD, the Great Mogul +AKBAR, and SIVAJI, the Mahratta Chief, were each taken in tow and +personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named +Love, Mercy and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing of consequence +was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls. + +As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise, I shall confess to +some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military +masculines--the more highly educated civilian class of Baboos being left +out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in +which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with +terpsichorean energy, and manoeuvring in companies and circles with +members of the softer sex. As a philosophical conception of disembodied +existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good +enough for ordinary fighting chaps! + +I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, greatly owing to the +condescension of Miss WEE-WEE, who exhibited such entertainment at my +comments that I left under the confident persuasion that I was +infallibly to be the favoured swain. + +On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter from JESSIMINA, +beseeching me, for the sake of "Old Langsyne," to meet her on the +following evening at Westbourne Park Station, and mentioning that +certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only +desirous for an amicable arrangement. + +Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an +encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I +wrote at once accepting the _rendezvous_. + +When I duly turned up, lo and behold! I found she was escorted, not +only by her eagle-eyed mother (JESSIMINA herself inherits, in _Hamlet's_ +immortal phraseology, "an eye like Ma's, to threaten or command"), but +also by a juvenile individual with a black neck-tie and Hebrew profile, +whom she formerly introduced to me as Mr SOLOMONS. + +Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine +fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having obtained +such an excellent substitute for my worthless self, and to wish the +happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not +a _fiance_, but merely a sort of friend, and Mrs MANKLETOW severely +added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my +legal contract. + +Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same +to best ability, but that, my offer having been declined with +contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end. + +Here JESSIMINA said that she had of course refused to marry a man who +declared that he was already the owner of a dusky spouse, but that, on +inquiries from Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, she had made the discovery that my +said infant wife had popped off with some juvenile complaint or other +three or four years ago. + +At this I was rendered completely flabaghast--for, although the +allegation was undeniably correct, I had confidently hoped that my +friend RAM was unaware of the fact, or would at least have the +ordinary mother-wit to refrain from blurting it out! "_Et tu, Brute!_" +But I must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very +fat-witted sort of fellows. + +_Que faire?_--except to explain that my melancholy bereavement must have +entirely slipped off my memory, and that in any case it had no logical +connection with the matter in hand. + +Then Mrs MANKLETOW inquired, would I, or would I not, marry her illused +child? and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer. + +I replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire, and I was +prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of--_Not on any +account._ + +Whereupon Mr SOLOMONS stepped forward and politely handed me a folded +paper, and, observing that he thought there was no need to protract the +interview, he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies, leaving +myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official +document into my baffled and bewildered nob. + +[Illustration: "A ROYAL COMMAND FROM THE QUEEN-EMPRESS."] + +Eventually, I gathered that it was a Royal command from the +Queen-Empress, backed by the Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain, that +I was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit of JEMIMA +MANKLETOW for a claim of damages for having breached my promise to +marry! + + * * * * * + +No matter! Pugh! Fiddle-de-dee! Never mind! Who cares? + +Having successfully passed Exam, and been called to the Bar, I am now an +_amicus curiae_, and the friend in Court. + +I shall enter my appearance in the forensic costume of wig and gown. + +What will be the price of the plaintiff's pleadings _then_, Madams? + + + + +XXII + +_Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor--with certain + reservations._ + + +I concluded my foregoing instalment, narrating my service of a writ for +breaching a promise of marriage, with a spirited outburst of +_insouciance_ and devilmaycarefulness. + +But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of +the said writ, which contained the peremptory mandate that I was to +enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, or +the judgment would be given in my absence! + +Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long +complicated defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect +myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in +such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remained _perdu_ with a +hidden head, I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since, +heigh-ho! _les absents ont toujours tort_. So that I shed blistering and +scalding tears like a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a +devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity, +until, by a great piece of potluck, on going up the next morning to the +library of my Inn, I espied my young friend HOWARD in the compound, +busily employed in a lawn tennis game. + +Having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic +and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its +entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private +confabulations at his earliest conveniency, which he observing, after +the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I +was forlornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side. + +This young ALLBUTT-INNETT, I am to mention here, had only just missed +succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the inveterate malignancy +of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament; but from the +coolness of his cheek, and complete man-of-the-worldliness, is a most +judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places. + +_Experto crede_, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my +shocking _imbroglio_, he promptly gave me the excellent advice that I +was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a Mr SIDNEY SMARTLE, +who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and +who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that +he could not find time for working the oracle on my behalf. + +"And look here, JAB," he added (he has sometimes the extreme +condescension to address me as an abbreviation), "I'll trot you up to +him at once--and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own +counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native prince, in +brand-new wig and gown, defending himself single-handed from wiles of +artful adventuress--why, you'll knock the jury as if with old boots!" + +"Alack," said I, sorrowfully; "though I am quite competent to become the +stump orator at shortest notice, I do not see how I can enter my first +appearance until I have carefully instructed Misters RAM and JALPANYBHOY +in the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &c., and a week is +too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations!" + +"Nonsense and stuff!" he replies, "you will have a lot more than that, +since the week only applies to entering an appearance--which is a mere +farcical formality that old SID can perform in your place on his head." +At which I was greatly relieved. + +But on arrival at Mr SMARTLE'S office in Chancery Lane, we were +disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was +absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was +the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of +tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying +a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather +adolescent than senile in physical appearance I was vastly impressed by +the offhanded cocksurety of his manner. + +My friend HOWARD introduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in +the shell of a nut, whereupon Mr SMARTLE jauntily pronounced it to be +the common garden breach of promise, but that we had better all repair +to the First Avenue Hotel and lunch, and talk the affair over +afterwards. + +Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and +cigars, &c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out +of pocket. + +Mr SMARTLE, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I +certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a +hole by so publicly proclaiming my engagement, but that my status as an +oriental foreigner, and the fact I had asserted--viz., that my promise +was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical funkiness--might +pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness +(which, fortunately, is by no means the case). + +He added, that we had better engage WITHERINGTON, Q.C., as he was +notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar. + +But to this I opposed the _sine qua non_ that I am to have the sole +control of my case in court, and reap the undivided _kudos_, assuring +him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnesses until they +could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he +sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and +election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess +sufficient experience; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial +garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to +ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a +typical Indian in the matter of legal subtlety and ready-made wit, and +that, if not capable of conducting my _own_ case, how, then, could I be +fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is +proverbially unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally proficient +in the practice of barking yourself. + +Whereupon, silenced by my _a fortiori_ and _reductio ad absurdum_, he +gave way, saying that it was my own affair, and, anyhow, there would be +plenty of time to consider such a matter, since the plaintiff might not +choose to do anything further till after the Long Vacation, and we could +easily postpone the hearing of the action until the Midsummer of next +year. + +I, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so procrastinated a +delay, as I desired to make my forensic _debut_ at the earliest possible +moment, and urged him to leave no stone unturned to get the job finished +by November at least, suggesting that if we could ascertain the name +and address of the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him, +and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of +his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot. + +To which Mr SMARTLE replied that he could not recommend any such +tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial +foot in a literal and painful manner. + +Now I must conclude with a livelier piece of intelligence: I am now in +receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit the ALLBUTT-INNETT family +at the elegant mansion (or--to speak Scottishly--"manse") they have +hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire, +N.B. + +Mrs A.-I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but +several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and +will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so +that, as she believed I was the keen sportsman, I had better bring my +gun. + +Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having +since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts, +bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at +last an _au fait_ with a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod. + +I do not think I shall purchase a gun, for there is a young English +acquaintance of mine who is the Devil's Own Volunteer, and who will +no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two. + +As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally unnecessary to +assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk +after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any cowardly fear from +pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore +commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered +tartan, and other accessories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the +mark of politeness to dress in the Romish style. + +[Illustration: "WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME +KNEE-CAPS."] + +The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture +humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some +knee-caps. + + + + +XXIII + +_Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his + preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to + get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty--to + which no serious importance need be attached._ + + +My fair plaintiff has not suffered the grass of inaction to grow upon +her feet, having already issued her Statement of Claim, by which she +alleges that I proposed marriage on a certain date, and did +subsequently, on divers occasions, treat her, in the presence of sundry +witnesses, as an affianced, after which I mizzled into obscurity, and on +various pretexts did decline, and do still decline, to fulfil my nuptial +contract, by which conduct the plaintiff, being grievously afflicted in +mind, body, and estate, claims damages to the doleful tune of L1000. + +(N.B.--I have thought it advisable here and there to translate the legal +phraseology into more comprehensible verbiage.) + +Now such a claim is to milk a ram, or _prendre la lune avec les dents_, +seeing that I am not a proprietor of even one thousand rupees. +Nevertheless (as I have informed Mr SMARTLE), my progenitor, the +Mooktear, will bleed to any reasonable extent of costs out of pocket. + +I have held frequent and lengthy interviews with the said SMARTLE, Esq., +who is of incredible despatch and celerity--though I sometimes regret +that I did not procure a solicitor of a more senile and sympathetic +disposition. + +Assuredly had I done so, such an one would not, after perusing my +Statement of Defence--a most magnificently voluminous document of over +fifty folios, crammed and stuffed with satirical hits and sideblows, and +pathetic appeals for the Bench's indulgence, and replete with familiar +quotations from best classical and continental authors--such an one, I +say, would not have split his sides with disrespectful chucklings, +thrown my composition into a wasted paper receptacle, and proceeded to +knock off a meagre substitute of his own, containing a very few dry bald +paragraphs, in the inadequately brief space of under the hour. + +Such, however, was Mr SMARTLE'S course; and the sole consolation is +that, owing to his unprofessional precipitation, the action was set down +for trial previously to the commencement of the Long Vacation, and my +case may come on some time next Term, and I be put out of my misery at +the close of the year. + +My aforesaid legal adviser, finding that I adhered with the tenacity of +bird-slime to my determination to conduct my case in person, did hint +in no ambiguous language, that it might perhaps be even better for me to +do the guy next November to my native land, and snip my fingers then +from a safe distance at the plaintiff. + +But it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather (except when +prostrated by severe bodily panics), and I am consumed by an ardent +impatience to air my fluencies and legal learnedness before the +publicity of a London Law Court. + +Now, begone dull care! for I am to dismiss all litigious thoughts till +October or November next, and become a _Dolce far niente_, chasing the +deer with my heart in the Highlands. + +My volunteering acquaintance, by the way, has declined to lend me his +rifle, on the transparent pretence that it was contrary to regulations, +and that it was not the _bon ton_ to pursue grouse-birds and the like +with so war-like a weapon. + +So, on young HOWARD'S advice, I made the purchase from a pawnbroker of a +lethal instrument, provided with a duplicate bore, so that, should a +bird happen by any chance to escape my first barrel, the second will +infallibly make him bite the dust. + +I have also purchased some cartridges of a very pleasing colour, a +hunting knife, and a shot belt and pouch, and if I can only procure some +inexpensive kind of sporting hound from the Dogs' Home, I shall be +forewarned and forearmed _cap a pie_ for the perils and pleasures of the +chase. + +Miss WEE-WEE did earnestly advise me, inasmuch as I was about to go +amongst the savage hill tribes of canny Scotians, to previously make +myself acquainted with their idioms, &c., for which purpose she lent me +some romances written entirely in Caledonian dialects, also the +compositions of Hon. Poet BURNS. + +But hoity-toity! after much diligent perusal, I arrived at the +conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most intelligent +foreigner, unless he is furnished with a good Scotch grammar and +dictionary. + +And _mirabile dictu!_ though I have made diligent inquiries of various +London booksellers, I have found it utterly impossible to obtain such +works in England--a haughty and arrogantly dispositioned country, more +inclined to teach than to learn! + +How many of your boasted British Cabinet, supposed to rule our countless +millions of so-called Indian subjects, would be capable to sit down and +read and translate--_correctly_--a single sentence from the Mahabharat +in the original? + +Not more, I shrewdly suspect, than half a dozen at most! + +So it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in +the language and literature of a country like Scotland, which is +notoriously wild and barren and less densely populated and productive +than the most ordinary districts of Bengal. + +Oh, you pusillanimous Highland chiefs and other misters! how long will +you tamely submit to such offhanded treatment? Will the day never come +when, with whirling sporrans and flashing pibrochs you will rise against +the alien oppressor, and demand Home Rule, together with the total +abolition of present disdainful British _insouciance_? + +When that day dawns--if ever--please note this piece of private +intelligence from an authorised source: _Young Bengal will be with you +in your struggle for Autonomy._ If not in body, assuredly in spirit. +Possibly in _both_. + +I say no more, in case I should be accused of trying to stir up +seditious feelings; but, as a patriotic Baboo gentleman, my blood will +boil occasionally at instances of stuck-up English self-sufficiency, and +the worm in the bud, if nipped too severely, may blossom into a rather +formidable serpent! + +[Illustration: "I AM ADDRESSED BY AN UNDERBRED STREET-URCHIN AS A +'BLOOMING BLACKY!'"] + +As, for instance, when, in the course of an inoffensive promenade, I am +addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a "blooming blacky," and +cannot induce a policeman to compel my aggressor to furnish me with his +name and address or that of his parents, or even to offer the most +ordinary apology. + +Enough of these rather bitter reflections, however. I omitted to mention +that I am also the proprietor (at the same pawnbroker's where I +bought my breeches-loader gun) of a very fine second-hand salmon-rod, a +great bargain and immense value, with which I hope to be able to catch a +great quantity of fishes. + +For there is, according to young HOWARD, good fishing in a burn +adjoining the Manse, so I shall follow King Solomon's injunctions, and +not spare the rod and spoil the salmons, though if I should happen to +"spoil" my rod, the salmons would inevitably in consequence be "spared." + +This is a sample of the kind of verbal pleasantries in which, when in +exhilarated high spirits, I sometimes facetiously indulge. + + + + +XXIV + +_Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors._ + + +I am now an acclimatised denizen of Caledonia stern and wild; which, +however, turns out to be milder and tamer than depicted by the jaundiced +hand of national jealousy. + +For, since my arrival at this hamlet of Kilpaitrick, N.B., I have not +once beheld any species of savage hill-man; moreover, the adult +inhabitants are clothed with irreproachable decency, and, if the +juveniles run about with denuded feet and heads, where is the shocking +scandal? + +Mr ALLBUTT-INNETT, sen., did me the honour to appear in person upon the +Kilpaitrick platform, and welcome me with outspread arms to his +temporary hearth and home, but I shall have the candour of confessing my +disappointment with the size and appearance of the same. It appears that +a "Manse" is not at all a palatial edifice, furnished with a plethora of +marble halls and vassals and serfs, &c., but simply the very so-so and +two-storied abode of some local priest! + +My gracious hostess was to tender profuse apologies for its homeliness, +on the plea that it is refreshing at times to lay aside ceremonial +magnificence and unbend in rural simplicity, though it is not humanly +possible to unbend oneself upon the thorny bosoms of chairs and couches +severely upholstered with the prickling hairs of an extinct horse. + +Still, as I assured Miss WEE-WEE, she is the happy owner of a magical +knack to transform, by her sheer apparition, the humblest hovel into the +first-class family residence with every modern improvement. + +With the said Miss I continue on terms of hand and gloveship, with +mutual harmless jokes, which would perhaps be as caviare on toast to a +general, though I shall venture to recount some examples. + +[Illustration: "OF INCREDIBLE BASHFULNESS AND BUCOLICAL APPEARANCE."] + +A certain local young laird, of incredible bashfulness and bucolical +appearance, is a frequent visitor at the manse, and the fervent admirer +of Miss WEE-WEE, who cannot endure the tedium of his society, and is +constantly endeavouring to escape therefrom. + +Now his name is Mr CRUM, and I have frequently entertained her in +private by play upon the word, alluding to him as "Mister CRUST," +"Mister OATCAKE," or "the Scotch Bun," and the like; but he informed me +that he preferred to be addressed as "Balbannock," and upon my inquiring +his reasons for selecting such an alias, he answered that it was because +he inhabited a house of that name. + +Whereupon I facetiously requested that he would address myself in future +as "Mister Seventy-nine, Hereford Road, Bayswater," which stroke of wit +occasioned inextinguishable merriment from Miss WEE-WEE, though it did +not excite from the aforesaid laird so much as the smallest simper! + +From an ingrained love of teasing, and also the natural desire to +stimulate her appreciation of my superior fertility in small talk and +_l'art de plaire_, I do often slyly contrive to inflict his sole society +upon her--to the huge entertainment of her father and mother, who carry +on the joke by assisting my manoeuvrings; but, although it affords me +a flattering gratification to be plaintively upbraided by Miss WEE-WEE +for my cruel desertion, I am resolved not to persist in such heartless +pranks beyond her natural endurance. + +Shortly after my arrival I heard from my host that he was the recipient +of an invitation from a Mister BAGSHOT, Q.C., that he and his son HOWARD +would accompany him to a shooting expedition upon some adjacent moors, +and that, being now immoderately plump, and past his prime as a potshot, +he had requested leave to nominate myself as his _budli_ or substitute, +explaining that I was a young Indian prince of great prowess at every +kind of big games. + +Accordingly, to my great delight, it was arranged that I should take his +place. + +My young friend HOWARD, beholding me appear at the breakfast-table +arrayed in my short kilt and superincumbent belly-purse with tassels, +did entreat me to change myself into ordinary knickerbockers, lest I +should catch death with a cold. + +But I declined, disdaining such dangers, and assuring him that I did not +at all dislike the excessive ventilation of my knees. + +We drove to Mr BAGSHOT'S residence, Rowans Castle, in a hired machine, +and found the gentlemen-shooters gathered outside the portico. Amongst +the party I was pleased to observe Hon'ble Justice CUMMERBUND, who, when +we were all ascended into the waggonette-break, did rally me very +good-humouredly upon some mixed bag of elephants and tigers he had heard +(or so he said) I had accomplished in some up-country jungle. + +At first, knowing that this was the utter impossibility, I perspired +with terror that he was making me the fool, but apparently he was +himself under a misunderstanding, for when we had left the vehicle and +were preparing to advance, he paid me the distinguished compliment of +entreating that I might be awarded the command of one extremity of the +line, while he himself was to preside over the opposite end! + +And thus we commenced to climb a steep hill, thickly covered with a very +pricklesome heather, and black slimy bogs, wherein the varnish of my +patent-leather shoes did soon become totally dimmed. So, being gravely +incommoded by the shortness of my wind, I entrusted my musket to an +under-keeper, begging him to inform me of the early approach of any stag +or deer. + +However, we saw nothing to shoot at except various sorts of wild +poultry, and when some of these flew up immediately in front of me, I +was too late, owing to the carriage of my gun by an underling, to do +more than fire off a couple of barrels as a declaration of hostility. + +But profiting by this lesson in being _semper paratus_, I refused to +part again with my deadly instrument, and stumbled manfully onwards with +finger upon the triggers, letting them fly instantaneously at the first +appearance of any animals _ferae naturae_. + +It is not customary, I was assured, to slay the wild sheep in these +districts, though horned, and of an excessively ferocious appearance, +and even when firing my bullets at birds, I was subjected to continual +reproofs from some officious keeper or other. + +For example, I was not to shoot into a flock of partridges, for the +superstitious reason, forsooth! that it was still the month of August, +which is supposed to be unlucky! + +Again, I was rebuked for burning powder at a grey hen, because it is the +wife of a black-cock, which may be shot with impunity. Although a highly +chivalrous chap in questions of the fairer sex, I am yet to see why it +is allowable to render the female bird a bereaved widow, but totally +forbidden to make the male a widower! Or why it is permissible to slay a +minute bird such as a snipe, while a titlark is on no account to be +touched. + +Being eventually exasperated by these unreasonable faultfindings, seeing +that I had merely emptied my gun-barrels without actually destroying any +of these sacred volatiles, I addressed the keeper in the withering tones +of a sarcasm: "Mister Keeper," I said, "as I am not the ornithologist or +soothsayer to distinguish infallibly every species of bird by instinct +when flying with incredible velocity, would it not be better that I +should discharge no shots in future?" + +To which, abashed by my severity, he replied that he could not just say +that it would make any considerable difference whether I fired at all or +none. + +My fellow-shooters, however, could not refrain from shouting with +irrepressible admiration at the intrepidity with which, forestalling the +fleetest dogs, I did rush forward to pick up the fallen grouse-birds, +and repeatedly exhorted me to take greater care for my own safety. + +I cannot say that they exhibited equivalent courageousness, seeing that, +so often as I raised my gun to fire, they flung themselves upon their +stomachs in the heather until I had finished, upon which I rallied them +mercilessly upon their timidity, assuring them repeatedly that they had +nothing to fear. + +Yet English and Scotch alike accuse us Bengalees of being subject to +excessive funkiness. What about the Pot and the Kettle, Misters? + +I am to reserve the conclusion of my shooting experiences until a future +occasion. + + + + +XXV + +_Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his experiences on a + Scotch moor, greatly to his own glorification._ + + +Now to resume the rather arbitrarily truncated account of my gunnery on +Scottish moors. + +Before luncheon I ventured to remonstrate earnestly with my entertainer, +Mr BAGSHOT, Q.C., concerning the extreme severity with which he +chastised a juvenile sporting hound of his for such trivial offences as +running after some rabbit, or picking up slaughtered volatiles without +receiving the _mot d'ordre_! + +"Listen, honourable Sir," I entreated him, "to the voice of Reason! It +is the second nature of all such canines to pursue vermins, nor are they +at all capable of comprehending the Why and Wherefore of a shocking +flagellation. If it is your wish that this hound should play the part of +a Tantalus, forbidden even to touch the _bonne-bouches_ with his +watering mouth, surely it is possible to restrain him by a more humane +method than Brute Force!" + +At this mild reproof Mister BAGSHOT became utterly rubescent, murmuring +excuses which I did not catch; and I, perceiving that this object +lesson of kindness to animals from an Oriental had strongly affected all +the shooters, patted the hound on the forehead, consoling him with some +chocolate I carried in my cartridge sack. + +We picnicked our lunch under a stone wall, and I, becoming an hilarious, +rallied my companions unmercifully upon the solemnity with which they +had marched in cautious silence, and with stern countenances as to +attack some formidable foe--and all to slaughter sundry braces of +inoffensive grouse-birds--truly an heroical sort of undertaking! + +To which Hon'ble CUMMERBUND replied, with his utterance impeded by cold +pie, that I might congratulate myself on having kept my own hands +unstained by any grouse's gore. + +"True, Mister Ex-Judge," I retorted, "but as you have already testified" +(here I hoisted his own petard at him rather ingeniously), "I am more an +_au fait_ in the extermination of elephants _et hoc genus omne_, and +have hitherto reserved my powder and shot for a stag or some similar +monarch of the glen. However, after lunch let us see whether I am not +competent to kill, or at least maim, one of these same grouse-fowls, +_faute de mieux_!" + +A repartee which excited uproarious laughter (at Hon'ble C.'s expense) +from all the present company. + +Subsequently, we were posted in a row of small fortresses constructed of +turfs, to await what is termed a "Drive," _i.e._, until some flock of +grouse-birds, exasperated to fury by the cries and blows of certain +individuals called "beaters," should attack our positions. + +Hearing that the grouses on this moor were of an excessive wildness, I +was at first apprehensive that one might fly at my nose or eyes while I +was busied in defending myself against its fellows, but the keeper who +was with me assured me that such was seldom their custom. + +And, indeed, such as came in my direction flew with wings so accelerated +by panic that they were invisible before I could even select one as my +target, so I was reduced to fire with considerable random. Presently the +beaters approached, carrying flags of truce, and we sallied out of our +forts to pick up the slain and wounded. After diligent search, I had the +happiness to discover a grouse-bird, stone dead, in the heather, and, +capering with triumph, called to the keeper to come and see the spoil. + +On his arrival, however, he said that he could not just think it would +be my bird, as he had not noticed any fall in that direction. But after +I had presented him with a piece of silver, he did agree that if I chose +to claim the bird as mine, it was not his place to contradict me, and so +in great glee I exhibited my prize to the others, appealing to the +keeper (who basely remained _sotto voce_) for confirmation. + +"A devilish clean shot, Prince!" Sir CUMMERBUND graciously remarked; +"why, the bird is stiff and cold already!" + +Whereupon I was cordially congratulated, and awarded the tail feathers +to decorate my "tommy-shanty," and during the next driving, having now +acquired the knack, I rendered several more denizens of the air the +_hors de combats_, though--either on account of their great ingenuity in +running out of the radius, or creeping into holes, etc., or else the +stupidity of the retrieving dogs--their corpses remained irrecoverable. + +On taking my leave, I expressed unbounded satisfaction with such sport +as I had had, and my fixed intention to assist on some similar +shooting-expedition, and Mr BAGSHOT kindly promised to let me know if he +should again have vacancy for an additional gun. + +I regret to say that young HOWARD, who, having only laid low a couple of +black cocks and a blue hare, was immoderately jealous of my superior +skilfulness, did seek to depreciate it by insinuating that my grouse was +one which, having been seriously wounded by other hands some days +previously, had come up to the hills to shuffle off its mortal coil in +seclusion, arguing thus from its total absence of heat and +suppleness. + +This is the merest quibble, and to travel out of the record, since, of +course, if a bird is at all of a venerable age, it becomes stiff and +deficient in vital warmth long before it is popped off! Moreover, if the +grouse were not legitimately my property, why, forsooth, should I be +permitted to carry it home? + +[Illustration: "I PRESENTED MY TROPHY AND TREASURE-TROVE TO THE +FAIRYLIKE MISS WEE-WEE."] + +I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss WEE-WEE, +who was so overwhelmed by the compliment that she entreated for it to be +cooked and eaten _instanter_. + +As soon as I have recovered a missing link of my fishing-rod (which it +seems has been overlooked by Mister Pawnbroker), and when I have +procured some suitable bait, &c., it is my intention to catch a fine +salmon out of the burn for my enchanting divinity, and, as I place the +fish in her lily-like hands, to strike iron while it is hot and make her +the formal proposal of matrimony. + +Mister CRUM, hearing of my piscatorial ambitions, has, with almost +incredible simplicity, offered to lend me his salmon rod, with a volume +of flies, little suspecting that he will be assisting me to catch two +fish upon one hook! I am immensely tickled by such a tip-top joke, and +can scarcely refrain from imparting it to Miss WEE-WEE herself, though I +shall wait until I have first secured the salmon. + +I had some valuable remarks upon Scottish idioms and linguistic +peculiarities, &c., but these, of course, are to be suppressed _sine +die_--unless I am to be permitted to overflow into a special +supplement. + + + + +XXVI + +_Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. How he + secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it + to his divinity._ + + +Owing mainly to lack of opportunity, invitations, _et caetera_, I have +not resumed the offensive against members of the grouse department, but +have rather occupied myself in laborious study of Caledonian dialects, +as exemplified in sundry local works of poetical and prose fiction, +until I should be competent to converse with the _aborigines_ in their +own tongue. + +[Illustration: "WHETHER HE HAD WHA-HAED WI' HON'BLE WALLACE?"] + +Then (having now the diction of Poet BURNS in my fingers' ends) I did +genially accost the first native I met in the street of Kilpaitrick, +complimenting him upon his honest, sonsie face, and enquiring whether he +had wha-haed wi' Hon'ble WALLACE, and was to bruise the Peckomaut, or +ca' the knowes to the yowes. But, from the intemperance of his reply, I +divined that he was totally without comprehension of my meaning! + +Next I addressed him by turns in the phraseologies of Misters BLACK, +BARRIE, and CROCKETT, Esquires, interlarding my speech with +"whatefers," and "hechs," and "ou-ays," and "dod-mons," and "loshes," +and "tods," _ad libitum_, to which after listening with the most earnest +attention, he returned the answer that he was not acquainted with any +Oriental language. + +Nor could I by any argument convince this beetle-head that I was simply +speaking the barbarous accents of his native land! + +Since which, after some similar experiments upon various peasants, &c., +I have made a rather peculiar discovery. + +There is no longer any such article as a separate Scottish language, +and, indeed, I am in some dubitation whether it ever existed at all, and +is not rather the waggish invention of certain audacious Scottishers, +who have taken advantage of the insular ignorance and credulity of the +British public to palm off upon it several highly fictitious kinds of +unintelligible gibberish! + +Nay, I will even go farther and express a grave suspicion whether the +Scotland of these bookish romances is not the daring imposture of a _ben +trovato_. For, after a prolonged residence of over a fortnight, I have +never seen anything approaching a mountain pass, nor a dizzy crag, +surmounted by an eagle, nor any stag drinking itself full at eve among +the shady trunks of a deer-forest! I have never met a single mountaineer +in feminine bonnet and plumes and short petticoats, and pipes inserted +in a bag. Nor do the inhabitants dance in the street upon crossed +sword-blades--this is purely a London practice. Nor have I seen any +Caledonian snuffing his nostrils with tobacco from the discarded horn of +some ram. + +Finding that my short kilt is no longer the mould of national form, I +have now altogether abandoned it, while retaining the fox-tailed +belly-purse on account of its convenience and handsome appearance. + +Now let me proceed to narrate how I became the captor of a large-sized +salmon. + +Having accepted the loan of Mister CRUM'S fishing-wand, and attached to +my line certain large flies, composed of black hairs, red worsted, and +gilded thread, which it seems the salmons prefer even to worms, I +sallied forth along the riparian bank of a river, and proceeded to whip +the stream with the severity of Emperor XERXES when engaged in +flagellating the ocean. + +But waesucks! (to employ the perhaps spurious verbiage of aforesaid Poet +BURNS) my line, owing to superabundant longitude, did promptly become a +labyrinth of Gordian knots, and the flies (which are named _Zulus_) +attached their barbs to my cap and adjacent bushes with well-nigh +inextricable tenacity, until at length I had the bright idea to +abbreviate the line, so that I could dangle my bait a foot or two above +the surface of the water--where a salmon could easily obtain it by +simply turning a somersault. + +However, after sitting patiently for an hour, as if on a monument, I +could not succeed in catching the eye of any passing fish, and so, +severely disheartened by my ill-luck, I was strolling on, shouldering my +rod, when--odzooks! whom should I encounter but Mister BAGSHOT and a +party of friends, who were watching his keepers capture salmons from a +boat by means of a large net, a far more practical and effectual method +than the cumbersome and unreliable device of a meretricious fly with a +very visible hook! + +And, just as I approached, the net was drawn towards the bank, and +proved to contain three very large lively fishes lashing their tails +with ungovernable fury at such detention! + +Whereupon I made the humble petition to Mister BAGSHOT that, since he +was now the favourite of Fortune, he was to remember him to whom she had +denied her simpers, and bestow upon me the most mediocre of the salmons, +since I was desirous to make a polite offering to the amiable daughter +of my host and hostess. + +And with munificent generosity he presented me with the largest of the +trio, which, with great jubilation, I endeavoured to carry off under my +arm, though severely baffled by the extreme slipperiness with which +(even after its decease) it repeatedly wallowed in dust, until someone, +perceiving my fix, good-naturedly instructed me how to carry it by +perforating its head with a piece of string. + +I found Miss WEE-WEE in a secluded garden seat at the back of the Manse, +incommoded, as usual, by the society of Mister CRUM. "Sir," I said, +addressing him politely (for I was extremely anxious for his departure, +since I could not well present my salmon to Miss WEE-WEE and request the +_quid-pro-quo_ of her affection in his presence), "accept my gratitude +for the usufruct of your rod, which has produced magnificent fruit. You +will find the instrument leaning against the palings of the front +garden." And with this I made secret signals to Miss WEE-WEE that she +was to dismiss him; but she remained bashful, and he seemed totally +unaware that he was the drug of the market! + +At last, weary of concealing my captured salmon any longer behind the +small of my back, I was about to inform Mister CRUM that he had Miss +LOUISA'S permission to absent himself, when she broke the silence by +informing me that, as the old familiar friend of both parties, I was to +be the first to hear a piece of news--to wit, that DONALD (Mister C.'s +baptismal appellation) and she were just become the engaged couple! + +I was so overcome by grief and indignation at her perfidious duplicity +(since she had frequently encouraged me in my mockeries of her admirer's +uncouthness and rusticity), that I stuck in the throat, and then flung +the salmon violently across a boundary hedge into a yard of poultry. + +"Madam," I said, "that fish was to have been laid at your feet as the +visible pledge of my devotion. You have not only lost the gift of a +splendid salmon, but have thrown away the heart of a well-educated +native B.A. and Member of the Bar! And you have gained--hoity toity! +What? Why, a Scotch Bun!" + +But almost immediately I was taken by violent remorse for my +presumption, and shed the tears of contrition, entreating +forgiveness--nay, more, I scrambled through a hole in a very thorny +hedge, and, recovering the salmon (which had not had time to become very +severely henpecked), I begged them to accept it between them as a token +of my esteem and good wishes, which they joyfully consented to do. I had +expected that my worthy host and hostess would have shared my astounded +disappointment on hearing of their daughter's engagement; but, on the +contrary, they received the news with smiling complacency. + +It appears that Mister CRUM, though endowed with a somewhat sheepish and +bucolical exterior, is of tip-top Scottish caste and lineage, and the +landed proprietor. + +I am not to deny the attractiveness of such qualities, though I had +hitherto been under the Fool's Paradise of an impression that they would +have infinitely preferred this humble self as a son-in-law. + +However, I am now emerging from my doleful dumps, with the reflection +that, after all, it is contrary to common-sense to drain the cup of +misery to the dregs for so totally inadequate a cause as the ficklety of +any feminine! + + + + +XXVII + +_Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, thereby + affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal + assistance. An apparent attempt to pack the Jury._ + + +The Public will be astounded at the news (which came with the perfect +novelty of a surprise upon this insignificant self) that I have ceased +to be the cherished guest beneath the hired Scottish roof of Mister +LEOFRIC ALLBUTT-INNETT and his bucksome lady. + +It fell out after this fashion. + +One fine September morning, when I was accoutring myself in order to go +out and hunt the robert (N.B. a genuine local Scotticism for individuals +belonging to the rabbit genius), there came to me my young friend +HOWARD, who was to teach my young idea how to shoot, in great gloom, +asking me if it would take me a prolonged period to pack up my +_impedimenta_. + +I replied that I could do the trick instantaneously, inquiring the +reason for his question. + +"Because," said he, "if I were you, I should have a wire requiring me to +come up to London at once." + +"From my solicitor?" I inquired. "Is he then desirous of consulting with +me?" + +My friend answered me that it was the one object of his present +existence. + +"In that case," said I, rather spiritedly, "let him come up here, since +I am not a mountain that I should obey the becking call of any Mahomet. +Moreover, I am impatient to achieve the destruction of some Scottish +roberts." + +"If you will take my advice," he said, "you will grant them a reprieve, +and make a scarcity of yourself. There is a train for Glasgow which you +can just catch. I wouldn't distress the Mater and Governor by any +farewells, you know." + +"But," I objected, "I am not even in receipt of any telegram. Nor can I +possibly omit the etiquette of a ceremonious leave-taking with your +honourable parents." + +"Just as you please," replied he. "Just now the Governor and Mater are +in the front sitting-room, engaged in perusing the back numbers of your +precious 'Jossers and Tidlers' or whatever you call 'em, which have been +thoughtfully forwarded by a relative. I don't think I'd disturb them." + +"Are they so hugely interested in the performances of my unassuming +_penna_?" I cried, with the gratified simpering of a flattered. + +"It looked like it when I left the room," said he; "the Mater was very +near rolling on the oilcloth, and the Governor dancing and foaming from +his mouth. What an awfully old ass you have been, JAB, to go and blurt +out everything in print--about your breach of promise case, and getting +to know us, and--worst of all--being merely a bogey prince. Naturally, +we don't care about being made to look fools. The dear old Mater, you +know, is one of those simple, trusting natures that, if they once +discover they have been taken in by a sham title, why, they kick up the +row of a deuce! And, as for the Governor, he's the sort of old retiring +chap that has a downright loathing of publicity, when it makes him +ridiculous. If he came across you just now, there's really no saying +what he mightn't do. He's such a devilishly hot-tempered old boy!" + +I did not comprehend the reasons for such exuberant anger, but, of +course, young HOWARD insisted so urgently on physical dangers to myself +if I delayed, that I hastened stealthily to my room by a backstair, and +flinging my _paraphernalia_ with incredible despatch into a portmanteau, +was so fortunate as to convey it out of the house without attracting the +invidious attention of my host and hostess, who were probably still +occupied in foaming and rolling upon the carpet like angry waves of the +sea. + +Young HOWARD accompanied me to the station, though blaming me as the +cause of his embroilment with his progenitors, who, it seems, had +insisted--quite unjustly--that he must have known from the first that my +nobility was merely a brevet rank; and Miss WEE-WEE bade me farewell +with a soft and perfectly ladylike cordiality, being too grieved by my +departure to make any allusion to the head and front of my offending. + +Now I am once more in London, paying daily visits of several hours to +the office of my solicitor, in order to assist him in the preparation of +my brief. + +[Illustration: BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM.] + +The other day, Baboo JALPANYBHOY and Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM attended for +the purpose of arranging their evidence, when I regret to say the former +made a rather paltry exhibition of himself, being declared by Mr SMARTLE +himself to be totally incompetent to prove anything whatever material to +the case, and I am therefore resolved to refuse him admission to the +witness-box. + +I am more hopeful of Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, who, I think, after diligent +coaching from myself, may be induced to restrain his natural garrulity, +and speak no more than is set down for him, which is simply that I have +already, in his presence, contracted matrimony with a juvenile native, +and that the laws of my country entitle me to marry several more. + +This is in support of one of my most subtle pleadings of defence, to +wit, that I have already offered to marry the plaintiff according to my +country's laws, but that she did definitely decline such a marriage as +polygamous (which it is indubitably liable to become at any moment), +consequently, that my said contract is nilled by mutual consent. + +Mr SMARTLE was of the opinion that the plaintiff's solicitors would move +to strike out such a pleading as bad in law, since it is no defence to +an action for breach of promise that the defendant is already the +Benedick. Fortunately they have omitted to do this, and I anticipate +exciting excessive admiration in Court by the ingenuity of my arguments +from Analogy, Common Sense, Roman Law, &c. + +My said solicitor has also communicated with Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND +CUMMERBUND, to inquire if he would consent to appear as a witness to my +dependent filial condition, and entire lack of the sinews of war; which, +with fatherly kindness, he has agreed to do, and, as he rather +humorously puts it, convince the jury that I am the good riddance of bad +rubbish. + +Now the decks are cleaned for action, and all is ready for the forensic +logomachy as soon as it may please Providence and some associate in the +Queen's Bench Division to place the suit of _Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee_ in +the list of causes for the day. + +My solicitor's advice, which I shall very probably adopt, is to keep as +close as possible to the issues, and more especially to the point that, +if I gave any promise to marry at all, it was extorted from me by +threats of bodily violence which reduced me to a blue funkiness. + +Also he recommends that I am not to attempt any golden-mouthed +eloquence, thereby making the lamentable exhibit of a most stupendous +ignorance of human nature! + +For what can melt the stony hearts of men, causing them to bellow like +an ox and become tender as chickens, or what can rouse them to +Indignation, Approval, Contempt, Wonderment, and every other known +sentiment as required, so effectively as the trumpeting tongue of +oratorical eloquence! + +All I can aver is that, if I am not to be permitted to draw the +glittering sword of my tongue from the scabbard of my mouth, I shall +infallibly, in sheer sickishness at such short-sighted folly, throw up +my brief! + +I must not omit to say that if any of my fellow-colleagues on this +periodical (of course including Hon'ble Editor) should be anxious to +become eye-witnesses of my forensic _debut_, I shall be overjoyed to +procure their admission and will instruct the Usher that they are to be +awarded the seats of honour. Perhaps it might even be feasible for two +or three of them to obtain appointments as jurymen. + +If so, let them not turn the deaf ear to the gentle wheezings of their +_esprit de corps_, but remember that it is not the custom for one eagle +to peck another in his optics. + + + + +XXVIII + +_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee in Court during the + proceedings._ + + + _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 10.20 A.M. + +The eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length +arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such +tittles as take place. I have taken my seat in Court on one of the +benches reserved for long-robed juniors; in my immediate rear being my +solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer +and Friend in Need. + +[Illustration: "FRESH AS A DAISY, AND FINE AS A CARROT FRESH SCRAPED."] + +In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss JESSIMINA +and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared to greet them with +effusive kindness, and assure them I was only a hostile in my +professional capacity. Whether they were struck with awe by the +unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &c., in +which I am fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped, or +whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguisement of such +toggeries, I am not to decide--but they passed by without responding +visibly to my salutations. + +10.25.--A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just +entered the row in front. Mister SMARTLE whispers to me that this is +WITHERINGTON, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition. + +I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce +myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice, +acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and +was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritorious Native +Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him +not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his petitioner. + +However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor +can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neighbour, to show me +any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my +treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any +further overtures to such stuck-up individuals. + +10.30.--Hon'ble Mister Justice HONEYGALL enters in highly dignified +fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which +uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and +smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my +achieving the conquest of my spurs. + +The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-contributors to +_Punch_ are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe +to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surreptitious simper. But +this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence. + +The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and +barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being +evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely +gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabulary. A poor tongue-tied +devil of a chap whom I regard with pity! + +WITHERINGTON, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but +he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not +shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted British advocacy. + +Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies +he lavishes upon JESSIMINA that he is already the tangled fly in the web +of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent +barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through such a millstone as +the female heart! + +He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions +to my undeserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer +without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation! However, though he +makes bitter complaints of my interruptions, he does me the honour to +refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified +fervour, assuring him that I reciprocate his esteem. + +Hon'ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that, +unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will +infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my +interests by disregarding the customary etiquettes of the Bar. + +11.5.--JESSIMINA is giving her testimony. Indubitably she has greatly +improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of +Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if +not more so) than Miss WEE-WEE'S own! Alack! that she should relate her +story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude +and well-assumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for, +after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various +unimportant details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait +until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe +measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of +judicial impartiality! + +1.30 P.M.--The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather +severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being +oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the +result--which, owing to the partisanship of Hon'ble Bench, the +disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss +JESSIMINA'S ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my +searching interrogatories, did not attain to the sanguine level of my +expectations. + +For instance, when I asked her whether it was not the fact that I was +notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the +unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently +described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and +shooting man-eating tigers. + +Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I +had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to +compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain +fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (interrupting in the most +unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I +seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry, he was unable +to perceive the bearings of my query. + +Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of +Poet SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace, and required her--on her oath--to answer +whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and +whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to +bestow the _disjecta membra_ upon herself instead. + +To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew +was that I had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had +been expressly purchased for herself as a souvenir of my ardent +affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it +with some patent cement. + +Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to +know what was passing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and +informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless +she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with +applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I +was entitled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was +on no account to be permitted. + +Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious +disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the +gentlemen-boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with +her upon such conduct. Here WITHERINGTON, Q.C., bounded on to his feet, +and protested that I was not entitled to put this question now, since I +had not dared to allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached +my promise owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of +submitting to such objection, JESSIMINA answered in mellifluous accents +that she had never manifested more than ordinary civility towards any +gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed passionate jealousy of them +all prior to my engagement--though never since, because she had never +afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances. + +Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with +tender commiseration; for her maidenly distress did only increase her +charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself, +observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do +me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the +Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations! + +Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on +the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and +whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr +CHUCKERBUTTY RAM for corroboration of my story, and that he had informed +her that my said wife was a _post mortem_. + +Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr RAM said was not +evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon'ble Judge partly +upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation +was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation, +thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story. + +Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of +WITHERINGTON, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he +admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff. + +My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to reduce the +damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the +first to brief WITHERINGTON. But this is to croak like a raven, for the +cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the +Gift of the Gab--in which I am notoriously _nulli secundus_. + +2.15 P.M.--The Court has returned. WITHERINGTON'S Junior has called +JESSIMINA'S mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather +painful duty to cross-examine sharply. + +Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. _Sursum +corda!_ I must buck it up. + + + + +XXIX + +_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Mr + Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._ + + + _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2.40 P.M. + +I have just resumed my seat after a rather searching examination of +Madam MANKLETOW, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly +taken by my solicitor:-- + + MY SOLICITOR'S SAID NOTES. + +Mrs MARTHA MANKLETOW (_formidable old party--all bugles and bombazine_). +Would certainly describe her establishment as 'select'; all of her male +boarders perfect gentlemen--except defendant. Was never anxious to +secure him for her daughter--on the contrary, would have much preferred +her son-in-law white. Gave her consent because of the passionate +attachment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of +princely rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her +daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with +personal chastisement from other boarders if he denied any engagement. +Did say that if he meant nothing serious after all the marked +attentions he had paid the plaintiff, he deserved to be cut dead by all +the gentlemen in the house. Insisted on the engagement being made public +at once; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether +defendant was married already, or how many wives he was entitled to in +his own country--he had taken good care not to say anything about all +that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never +had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his +heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get +over the slight of being jilted by a black man.... + +Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation +and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly educated +Indian University man and qualified native barrister. + +3.15.--More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss SPINK and sundry select +boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my +engagement. Seeing that they were predetermined not to answer favourably +to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister WITHERINGTON'S book, and said +that I had no questions to ask.... The plaintiff's junior has just sat +down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the +tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity. + +The annexed report, though sadly meagre and doing very scanty justice to +the occasion, is furnished by my friend young HOWARD, who was present in +Court at the time.... + +_Jab._ (_in a kind of sing-song_). May it please your venerable lordship +and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar +predicament of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known +character in the dramatic works of your immortal _litterateur_ Poet +SHAKSPEARE. I allude to OTHELLO on the occasion of his pleading before +the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a +speech which I shall commence by quoting in full---- + +[Illustration: MR JUSTICE HONEYGALL.] + +_Mr Justice Honeygall._ One moment, Mr JABBERJEE, I am always reluctant +to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury +if I remind you that the illustration you propose to give us is hardly +as happy as it might be. The head and front of OTHELLO'S offending, +unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of his +affections, whereas in _your_ case---- + +_Jab._ (_plaintively_). Your lordship, it is not humanly possible that I +can exhibit even ordinary eloquence if I am to be interrupted by +far-fetched and frivolous objections. The story of OTHELLO---- + +_Mr Justice H._ What the jury want to hear is not OTHELLO'S story, but +yours, Sir, and your proper course is to go into the witness-box at +once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly +as you can. When you have given your own evidence and called any +witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of +addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you +apparently place so much reliance. + + [_Here poor old ~JAB~ bundles off to the witness-box, and + takes some outlandish oath or other with immense gusto, + after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling + rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him + up, which he does about every other minute. This is the sort + of thing that goes on:--_ + +_Jab._ At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous and no +Leviathan of valour---- + +_The Judge._ Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I've not got +down half what you said before that. (_Reads laboriously from his +notes._) "In panicstricken apprehension of being severely assaulted _a +posteriori_." Who do you say threatened to assault you in that +manner--the plaintiff's mother? + +_Jab._ I have already had the honour to inform your lordship that I was +utterly intimidated by the savage threats of the plaintiff's mother +that, unless I consented to become the betrothed, she would summon +certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected +person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan---- + +_The Judge._ No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that +description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (_Reads as he +writes._) "I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff's mother that +she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I +consented to become engaged to plaintiff." Is _that_ what you say? + +_Jab._ (_beaming_). Your lordship's acute intellect has comprehended my +_pons asinorum_ with great intelligence. + +_The Judge_ (_looking at him under his spectacles_). Umph! Well, go on. +What next? + + [_So old ~JAB~ goes on gassing away, at such a deuce of a rate + that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits + staring at ~JAB~ in resigned disgust._ (_It was spell-bound + attentiveness._--H. B. J.) _~JAB~ WILL spout and WON'T keep to + the point; but, all the same, I fancy, somehow, he's getting + round the Jury. He's such a jolly innocent kind of old ass, + and they like him because he's no end of sport. The + plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence + uncommonly well; but, unless ~WITHERINGTON~ turns up again, I + believe old ~JAB~ will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't + taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course + he managed to get in a speech._ + +_Jab._ Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced +attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is +incredible that any English female, of genteel upbringings and the +lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box, +it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a +mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly +to endure a domestic existence exposed to the slings and arrows of a +perpetual gorilla warfare from various native aunts and sisters-in-law, +or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach, after the +luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple, +unostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of +the jury, as warm-hearted noble-minded English gentlemen, you will never +condemn an unfortunate and industrious native graduate and barrister to +make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families +with such a bone of contention as a European better half, who will +infallibly plunge him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars! +I shall now vacate the witness-box in favour of my intimate friend and +fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, who will tell +you---- + +_The Judge_ (_rising_). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir +CHETWYND here, Mr JABBERJEE, there is a little formality you appear to +have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel will probably wish before you +leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross-examination, and +that must stand over till to-morrow. (_At this, old Jab's jaw falls +several holes._) + +NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--_Hereford Road, Bayswater._--I am excessively +gratified by the result of my first day's trial, being already +the established favourite and chartered libertine of the whole +Court, who split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am +no longer immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly +examined--especially since WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has abandoned his brief +in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is incompetent to exclaim Bo! to +a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be +interrogated by a mere underling. + +The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter indifference of +JESSIMINA to my aforesaid triumphs. At the termination of the hearing +to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse +with the smartly-attired curly-headed young solicitor who is acting on +her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity! + +Alackaday! _varium et mutabile semper foemina!_ + + + + +XXX + +_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard.) Mr Jabberjee finds + cross-examination much less formidable than he had anticipated._ + + +It is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a +transcendental success that already the Court is tight as a drum, while +a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors! + +I was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not +responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert my utmost +influence with the Hon'ble Judge that they were all to be admitted. + +But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the +entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was not to be the +bally-fool. + +In the trough I perceive JESSIMINA seated, in a hat even more +resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a +little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plaintiff of such +a stylish and elegant appearance. + +[Illustration: WITHERINGTON, Q.C.] + +10.25 A.M.--After all, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has paid me the marked +compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross-examination. At +which SMARTLE, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of +turning my inside out in no time unless I am preciously careful. But, +knowing that such inhuman barbarities are not feasible in civilised +regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance.... + +_Later._--I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole) +with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment, +WITHERINGTON, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and +sympathetic interest in my career, &c., which rendered me completely at +my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial +severity, I soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea-pot, +and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies. +And for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a +kind and facetious familiarity. + +I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with +instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable +doltishness he has done the exact converse, and transcribed merely the +utterances of Mister WITHERINGTON! However, as I do not accurately +recall my responses, I am to insert the report here _pro tanto_, +trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines. + + HERE FOLLOWS THE REPORT. + +_Mr Witherington, Q.C._ Well, Mr JABBERJEE, so it seems that it is all a +mistake about your being a Prince, eh?... And, however such an idea may +have originated, _you_ never represented yourself as a Rajah, or +anything of the kind?... I was sure you would say so. You have such a +high regard for truth, and such a deep sense of the obligation of an +oath, that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time--may +I take that for granted?... Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr +JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, from a +certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on, +that you must be of high rank in your own country?... But, though you +don't set up to be a Prince, you are, I believe, a recent acquisition to +the honourable profession of which we are both members?... And also a +journalist of some distinction, are you not?... Indeed? I congratulate +you--a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the proprietors have +shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a +pecuniary sense?... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr JABBERJEE! +Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their +pen while they are waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ask if you +intend to practise in this country?... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then I +suppose you can count upon influence out there?... Your father a +_Mooktear_, is he? I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly.... A +solicitor? _Now_ I understand. So he will give you cases--in which I am +sure you will distinguish yourself. But you'll have to work hard, won't +you?... I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh?... +That's a drawback, isn't it? You're passionately devoted to +tiger-shooting, aren't you? Unless I'm mistaken, you first won the +plaintiff's admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your +"moving accidents by flood and field"--another parallel between you and +OTHELLO, eh? Well, tell me, I'm no sportsman myself--but it's rather a +thrilling moment, isn't it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your +elephant, and get inside the--what do you call it--howlah?--oh, +_howdah_, to be sure; thank you, very much.... So I should have +imagined. Still, I suppose, when you're used to it, even that wouldn't +shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your +tiger at close quarters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just +so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now--isn't a boar +rather an awkward customer to tackle?... "You never found him so"? But +suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse?... Ah, +you're a mighty hunter, Mr JABBERJEE, I perceive! Ever shoot any +elephants?... _No_ elephants? That's a pleasure to come, then. Now, +about your relations with the plaintiff prior to your engagement--you +were a good deal in her company, weren't you?... Well, you constantly +escorted her to various places of amusement, come?... Yes, yes; I am +quite aware a _chaperon_ was always present. We are both agreed that my +client has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety--but you +liked being in her society, didn't you?... Exactly so, and, at that time +at all events, you admired her extremely?... "Merely as a friend," eh? +no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came +to engage yourself.... You were afraid your landlady would summon a +boarder and ask him to give you a kicking?... And the prospect of being +kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise +anything--is _that_ your story?... But you are a man of iron nerve, you +know, you've just been giving us a description of your performances in +the jungle. How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the +attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you turn a hair?... +But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn't it?... Then +do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you +never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why +didn't you say so at once, Sir.... Do you consider a misrepresentation +of that kind a mere trifle?... In spite of the fact that you have +solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but +the truth?... Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just +look at this letter of yours. (Your lordship has a copy of the +correspondence.... Yes, it is all admitted, my lord.) I'll read it to +you. (_Reads it._) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually +consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer +to your family upon your marriage with the plaintiff? Be careful what +you say.... And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance?... +Then was there a word of truth in all that?... I thought as much. Let me +read you another letter. (_He reads._) Here, you see, you make quite +another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer the +plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or "_sateen_," as you call it. +Have you ever contracted an infant marriage in India?... Oh, that _is_ +true, is it? But why, when you were paying these attentions to the +plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a +married man?... "You don't know?" May it not have been because you were +a widower? Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this +letter?... Then why did you write of her as if she were alive?... I +quite believe _that_--but why were you so anxious to break it off just +then?... Well, when you were cross-examining the plaintiff you asked her +about a certain china ornament you had given her, which seems to have +been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her +name here--but you made her acquaintance some time after your +engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you +have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers, +weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch +gentleman at the present moment--I'm putting it to you that, at the time +you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed +the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the +honour of being the second Mrs JABBERJEE.... I am not suggesting that +you could help it--but wasn't it so?... Very well--that is all I have to +ask you Mr JABBERJEE. You can go.... + +I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters +did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I +have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not +worth a candle to call any further witnesses--especially as Hon'ble +CUMMERBUND has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for +Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such +violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court. + +So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly +secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as +Cock of the Roost. + +Only I regret that JESSIMINA'S visage is now completely invisible to me, +being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry +on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional +adviser--which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and +Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL! + + + + +XXXI + +_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to + a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., + addresses the Jury in reply._ + + +My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the +literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble +idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.--H. B. J. + + VERBATIM REPORT (_unofficial_). + +_Baboo Jab._ May it please your mighty honour and great notorious +gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to +behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the _locus +standi_ of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as +a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking +visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your +unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine +wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the _ad captandum_ charms of feminine +cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely +dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered +and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, he would infallibly +have testified-- + +_The Judge._ As you did not think proper--no doubt for excellent +reasons--to put Sir CHETWYND in the box when you could have done so, Mr +JABBERJEE, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now +upon the evidence he might or might not have given. + +_Baboo J._ I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's +argument. The fact is, that the said Sir CUMMERBUND, on hearing my +answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my +friend WITHERINGTON'S cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I +had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be +excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in +this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me +to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact +that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by +haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For +how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked +and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate +for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did +remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks--until I +encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the +Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I +left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on +very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent +young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and +solicitude between two stools! (_Roars of laughter._) Misters, like the +frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:--"for +you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious +affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that +she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I +made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a +superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug +for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my +unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears +to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in +flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor! +(_Sensation._) + +_Witherington, Q.C._ (_rising_). My lord, I really must protest. There +is absolutely _no_ justification for the defendant's outrageous +insinuation. I am informed by Miss MANKLETOW that she simply asked the +gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts! + +_The Judge._ I fail to see, Mr JABBERJEE, what advantage you can hope +to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my +immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the +trial of which you have the smallest right to complain. + +_Bab. J._ I am highly satisfied by your lordship's _obiter dictum_. Not +being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was +misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before +again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of +plaintiff's _bona fides_ in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse. +Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal +of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and +business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws +of country or _vice versa_, to take to myself a single additional native +wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without +prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a +rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of +such a gifted horse as myself. (_Great laughter, and some sensation in +Court as ~JABBERJEE~ sits down._) + +_Witherington, Q.C._ Your lordship will see that this--ah--rather +unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the +plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (_The Judge nods: +breathless excitement in Court while the plaintiff's solicitor carries +on an animated conversation with ~Mr W.~ in undertones._) + +_Witherington_ (_rising once more_). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my +duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which +the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is +the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the +circumstances. (_~JAB.~ beams._) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone +the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be +called upon to endure (_"Hear, hear!" from ~JAB.~_), and out of that +ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed. + +I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy +sentiments of rancour or revenge. (_~JAB.~ beams more effulgently +still._) + +_But_, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman +may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which +she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impassable +barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them! +(_~JAB.'S~ smile becomes a trifle less assured._) + +[Illustration: "JABBERJEE'S FACE GRADUALLY LENGTHENS."] + +After the disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to +evade his obligations; his disingenuous defences; his insulting +innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in +that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has +painted of the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, I ask +you, gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceivable +that the plaintiff can retain any respect or affection for him, or have +sufficient courage and confidence to entrust her happiness to such +hands? (_~JAB.'S~ face gradually lengthens._) + +Once, it is true, under the glamour of her own girlish illusions, she +was ready to expatriate herself, to endure an alien existence, and +strange manners and customs for his beloved sake; but now, now that her +ideal is shattered, her dream dispelled,--now, it is too late! +Gentlemen, my client's answer is--and it is one which will only command +your increased respect:--"No. He has broken my heart, undermined my +belief in human nature, cast a blight upon my existence. (_~Miss M.~ sobs +audibly, here, and ~JAB.~ is visibly affected._) Much as I should like to +recover my old belief in him, much as it would be to my worldly +advantage to marry a wealthy Bengali barrister with talents and +influence which are certain to lead to rapid promotion in his native +land (_~JAB.~ bows, and then shakes his head in protest_), he has made me +suffer too much, I cannot accept him now!" + +(_The learned Counsel then dealt exhaustively with various portions of +the case, and concluded thus._) Well, gentlemen, I shall not have to +trouble you with many further remarks, but I will just say this before I +sit down:--The defendant amongst innumerable other ingenious excuses, +has pleaded for your indulgence on the score of poverty. He has the +brazen effrontery to plead poverty, forsooth! after complacently +admitting, in that box, that he is earning at this very moment an income +by his pen alone that might be envied by many a hardworking English +journalist! I do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the +defendant; on the contrary, gentlemen, I consider it does credit to his +ability and enterprise. (_~JAB.~ bows again._) But at the same time it +disposes effectually of his allegation that he is without means, and +indeed, leaving his literary gains entirely out of the question, it must +have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of +living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary +resources. Bearing this in mind, gentlemen, I ask you to mark your sense +of his heartless treatment of the plaintiff, and the mental and social +injury she has suffered on his account, by awarding her substantial +damages; not, I need scarcely say, in any spirit of vindictiveness, but +as some compensation (however inadequate) for all she has gone through, +and also as a warning to other ingratiating but unprincipled Orientals +that they cannot expect to trifle with the artless affection of our +generous, warmhearted English maidens without paying--aye, and paying +dearly, too! for the amusement. (_He sits down amidst applause._) + +NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--Hon'ble Judge is to sum up after lunch. I am +highly pained and disappointed that my friend WITHERINGTON should have +shown himself a perfidious, and have taken the liberty as he quitted the +Court to murmur the plaintive remonstrance of "_Et tu, Brute!_" into the +cavity of his left ear. + +My solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, is of the opinion that my case is looking +"a bit rocky," but that much will depend upon how the Judge sums up. +What a pity that, owing to judicial red-tapery, I am prohibited from +popping in upon him at lunch and importuning him to pronounce a decree +in my favour! + + + + +XXXII + +_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many + Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr + Jabberjee's final farewell._ + + + _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2 P.M. + +Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL is now summing-up, in such very nice, chatty, +confidential style that it is impossible to hear one half of his +observations, while the remainder is totally inaudible.... Nevertheless, +I already gather that he regards the affair with the restricted +narrowminded view that it is simply the question of damages.... He +appears to be now discussing whether my testimony that I am of such +excessive natural funkiness as to be intimidated by a few threats into +my matrimonial engagement is humanly credible.... I cannot at all +comprehend why, at his frequent references to my alleged +tiger-slaughters--which, with shrewd commonsense sapience, he seems to +consider mere ideally fabricated fibs and fanciful yarns--the whole +Court should be so convulsed with unmeaning merriment, nor why so stern +a Judge does not make any attempt to check such disorderly +interruptions.... + +So far as my imperfect hearing can ascertain, he has been instructing +the jury that they may utterly dismiss from their minds my highly +ingenious plea of inability to offer any other kind of matrimony than a +polygamous union--surely, a very, very slipshod off-hand method of +disposing of such a nice sharp quillet of the Law!... He is talking to +them about my means, and has thrown out a rather apt suggestion that I +may have been led by sheer vaingloriousness and Oriental love of +hyperbole into exaggerating my resources.... However, he "sees no reason +to doubt my competence to pay a reasonable amount of damages"--an +opinion with which I am not so pleased. "If the jury think me a gay sort +of Hindoo deceiver, who has heartlessly trifled with the affections of a +simple, unsuspecting English girl, that will lead them to award +substantial damages. If, on the other hand, they consider myself an +inexperienced Oriental ninnyhammer of a fellow, who has been entrapped +into an engagement by an ambitious, artful young woman--why, that may +incline them to inflict a merely nominal penalty." (But why, I should +like to know, does a Judge, who is infinitely more capable than a dozen +doltish juryman to express a decided opinion, thus put on the +double-faced mask of ambiguity, and run with the hare and halloo with +the hounds, like some Lukeworm from Laodicea?) ... Now he is mentioning +"certain circumstances, which he is bound to tell the jury have made a +strong impression on his own mind." ... Alack, that, owing to the +incorrigible mumbling of his diction, I cannot succeed in ascertaining +what these said circumstances are!... He has begun (I think) to +discourse concerning my latest offer of marriage in open Court. What a +pity that hon'ble judges should not study to acquire at least ordinary +proficiency in such a simple affair as Elocution! + +"It may strike you, gentlemen, that if the plaintiff had any genuine +affection for the defendant, or any actual intention of linking her lot +with his, she would----" (the rest is a severe mumble!) "Or again, you +may take into consideration----" (but precisely _what_ they are to take +is, to myself, a dumb show!). "Still, after making every possible +allowance for the idealising effects of the tender passion upon the +female judgment, I confess I find it a little difficult to persuade +myself that----" (Again I am not in at the finish--but, from the +bristling and tossing of JESSIMINA'S hat-plumes, I am in great hopes +that it contained something complimentary to myself.) ... He has just +concluded with the observation that, "after what they have seen and +heard of the defendant during the proceedings, the jury should find +little difficulty in arriving at a fairly accurate estimate of the loss +which a young lady of British birth and bringing-up would sustain by +her failure to secure such a husband." + +From the last it is clear that his hon'ble lordship meant that, in +secret, he has the highest opinion of my merits, though he entirely +overlooked the obvious fact that he would have better carried out his +benevolent and patronising intentions towards me by affecting (just now) +to consider me only a worthless poor chap. But even the most +subtly-trained European intellects are curiously backward in such +elementary chicaneries! + +3 P.M.--The jury are assembling their heads. They seem generally +agreed--except a couple of stout ones who are lolling back and listening +with mulish simpers. If I were certain that they were fellow-colleagues +from _Punch_, I would encourage them by secret signs to persevere--but +who knows that they may not be partisans of the plaintiff? If so, they +deserve to be condignly punished for such obstinate dull-headedness.... +The foreman has asked that they may retire, whereupon Justice +HONEYGALL answers them, "certainly," and retires his own person +contemporaneously.... + +3.15 P.M.--The jury are still absentees. In reply to my questions, my +solicitor says that, as far as he can see, the damages can't be under +L250, and may amount to a cold "Thou" (or thousand)! Adding that, if I +had only let him brief WITHERINGTON, Q.C., I might have got off with +L50, or even what is nominally called a farthing. But I say to him, in +such a case how could I possibly have acquired any forensic distinction? +To which he has no reply ready. + +3.30.--The jury are still delayed by the two stouts. I have just +attempted to chat over the affair with JESSIMINA and Madame MANKLETOW, +and ascertain whether the former will not accept myself at the eleventh +hour as payment in full of all damages, costs, &c. Mrs M. replies that +the jurymen are notoriously in favour of her daughter, and that she +would as soon see her in gates of grave as the bride of a black man. On +closer approach to JESSIMINA, I have made the rather disenchanting +discovery that she has rendered her nose lilac from too much superfluity +of face-powder. Perhaps, after all, the damages may not be so very.... +The jury are coming back. Hon'ble Judge is fetched hurriedly.... Mister +Associate asks: "Have you agreed upon your verdict?" Answered that they +have. "Do they find for plaintiff or defendant?" "For plaintiff." And +the damages? "_Twenty-five Thou!!!_" My stars! O Gemini! Who'd have +thought it? My Progenitor will never pay the piper for such an +atrociously cacophonous tune.... I am a done-for! + +3.35.--All right. I was deceived by aural incorrectness. It is not +twenty-five _thou._--but twenty-five _pounds_! + +3.45.--Hiphussar! Cockadoodledoo! A mere bite from a flea!... The +plaintiff has fallen into hystericals from disappointed +avariciousness.... There is some idle talk about costs following the +event, and certifying for a special jury--a luxury for which it seems I +am not to fork out. The case is over. + + * * * * * + +Outside in the corridor and hall I was the cynosure of neighbouring +eyes, and vociferously applauded as a "good old nigger," and told that +"now they _shouldn't_ be long," though for what else they were waiting I +could not learn. Madame MANKLETOW did overtake me near the doors and +invite me to tea and talk in a coffee and bun emporium, hinting that she +had recently misunderstood the state of her daughter's heart, and that +she had in reality been ardently desirous from the first to accept my +offer. To which I replied that the gates of grave were now hermetically +closed, and that the plaintiff, like the fabulous canine, had thrown +away the meaty bone of a first-class opportunity in exchange for the +rather flimsy and shadowy form of a twenty-five pound note. But, as a +chivalrous, I refrained from saying that I had been thus totally put off +by an over-powdered nose. + +Then I proceeded, amidst cheering populaces, up Chancery Lane to a +certain Bar, wherein young HOWARD regaled myself and solicitor very +handsomely upon anchovy sandwiches and champagne-wine, after which I +returned to Hereford Road full of ovation and cheerfulness. + +It is practically certain that my sire, the Mooktear, will cockahoop +with paternal pride on hearing by telegram of my moral victory, and +celebrate same with fireworks and festivities, besides sending ample +remittances for all costs out of pocket, &c. + +So I am now to return shortly to Calcutta, when my time will be too +exclusively taken up with forensic triumphs for any further jotting or +tittling for _Punch_, or similar periodicals. + +After all, for a fellow who is able to enchant multitudes, and persuade +their intellects and reasoning faculties by dint of golden verbolatory +of diction, mere sedentary journalism is a very mediocre and poorly-paid +pursuit! + +Notwithstanding my cessation as a contributor, I shall, on arriving in +India, infallibly recommend _Punch_ to all my innumerable aunts, +families, and friends, as a highly respectable periodical--provided that +the munificent and free-hearted generosity of those Hon'ble Misters, the +Editor and Proprietors, shall account me worthy to draw a monthly +retiring pension for my distinguished services. + +And, with prostrated respects to my honoured readers and their +respective relatives, I have the honour to remain, ever and anon, + +Their Excellencies most grateful, + humble, and obedient servant, + H. B. J. + + +THE END + + +THE TEMPLE PRESS, PRINTERS, LETCHWORTH + +[Transcriber's Notes: + +Table of Contents corrections (page iv): + XXIX: opening changed to Opening to match text: + _Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ + Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._ 235 + + XXXII: readers changed to Readers to match text: + _Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which + many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened + resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._ 265 + +Illustration captions changed in List of Illustrations (pages v-vi): + "Let out! let out!!" changed to "Let out! Let out!!" + to reflect text. + "Huzza! tol-de-rol-loll!" changed to "Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!" + to reflect text. + "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairy-like Miss + Wee-wee." changed to "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove + to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee." to reflect text. + +Chapter I, punctuation (page 1): + Changed : to ; to match TOC: "Mr Jabberjee apologises for + the unambitious scope of his work;" + +Chapter IV, capitalization (page 30): + CO. changed to Co. for consistency: "Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER + and GREUZY and Co. predominated as Old Masters." + +Chapter V, spelling (page 33): + Jessiminia to Jessimina: "In consequence of the increasing demands + of the incomparable Miss JESSIMINA" + +Chapter VI, spelling (page 46): + Mankeltow to Mankletow: "and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were + similarly imperceptible." + +Chapter X, spelling (pages 75, 78): + Jaberjee to Jabberjee: "Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight." + fame to flame: "some, secreting their cigars in the + hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find + it flame;" + +Chapter XIII, spelling (page 96): + bethrothal to betrothal: "My preceding article announced the + important intelligence of my betrothal" + +Chapter XV, spelling (page 117): + turqoise to turquoise: "Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified + until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best + English workmanship," + +Chapter XVI, spelling (page 125): + Allbutt-Innet changed to Allbutt-Innett: "Consequently I did + cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from my friend + ALLBUTT-INNETT," + +Chapter XIX, illustration caption (page 151): + period changed to exclamation point to reflect text: "Pitch it + strong, my respectable Sir!" + +Chapter XXVIII, subheading punctuation (page 225): + "No. ----." changed to "No. ----," for consistency in text. + +End of Transcriber's Notes.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. 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