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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Baboo Jabberjee, B.A.
+
+Author: F. Anstey
+
+Release Date: April 22, 2008 [EBook #25129]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Clarke, Carolyn Bottomley and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note: Italicized text is indicated with _underscores_.
+Upright text used within italicized passages for emphasis is indicated
+with ~tildes~. Inconsistencies in "Shakspeare" spellings have been
+retained, but obvious errors have been corrected and are listed at the
+end of this document.]
+
+
+[Illustration: Frontispiece _"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED
+GENTLEMEN."_]
+
+
+BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A.
+
+
+F. Anstey
+
+
+THE WAYFARER'S LIBRARY
+
+J. M. DENT & SONS, Ltd.
+  LONDON
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+                                                                 PAGE
+
+I
+
+_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his
+    work; sundry confidences, criticisms, and complaints._          1
+
+II
+
+_Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the
+    Westminster Play._                                              9
+
+III
+
+_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureateship._        18
+
+IV
+
+_Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters._        24
+
+V
+
+_In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on
+    Bicycling as a Pastime._                                       33
+
+VI
+
+_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._                          42
+
+VII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something
+    very like a Whale._                                            50
+
+VIII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies'
+    Debating Club._                                                60
+
+IX
+
+_How he saw the practice of the University Crews,
+    and what he thought of it._                                    69
+
+X
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight._                      75
+
+XI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme
+    delicacy._                                                     80
+
+XII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise._                               88
+
+XIII
+
+_Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations
+    in a Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that
+    Mr Jabberjee failed to understand._                            96
+
+XIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An
+    invitation to a Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with
+    what he thought of the ceremony, and how he distinguished
+    himself on the occasion._                                     105
+
+XV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour
+    of his betrothed. His doubts concerning the social
+    advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing
+    remarks upon ambitious pretenders. He goes out to dinner,
+    and meets a person of some importance._                       114
+
+XVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of
+    Shakespeare._                                                 125
+
+XVII
+
+_Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee,
+    with the explanation of such apparent indiscretion._          135
+
+XVIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses._         138
+
+XIX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India
+    Office and sympathetic reception._                            146
+
+XX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination,
+    but is less successful in other respects. He writes
+    another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he
+    anticipates the happiest results._                            155
+
+XXI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._        164
+
+XXII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a
+    solicitor--with certain reservations._                        173
+
+XXIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes
+    his preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic
+    sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary
+    outburst of disloyalty--to which no serious importance
+    need be attached._                                            182
+
+XXIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors._            190
+
+XXV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his
+    experiences on a Scotch Moor, greatly to his own
+    glorification._                                               199
+
+XXVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions.
+    How he secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which
+    he presented it to his divinity._                             207
+
+XXVII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town,
+    thereby affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit
+    of his personal assistance. An apparent attempt to pack
+    the Jury._                                                    216
+
+XXVIII
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee
+    in Court during the proceedings._                             225
+
+XXIX
+
+_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~
+    Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._           235
+
+XXX
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard). Mr Jabberjee
+    finds cross-examination much less formidable than he had
+    anticipated._                                                 245
+
+XXXI
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant
+    brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and
+    Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply._          255
+
+XXXII
+
+_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which
+    many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened
+    resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._                  265
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+                                                               PAGE
+
+_"Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."_        _Frontispiece_
+
+_Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A._                          viii
+
+_"Let out! Let out!!"_                                            5
+
+_"A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose."_                   15
+
+_"Miss Jessimina Mankletow."_                                    25
+
+_"I instantaneously endured the total upset!"_                   37
+
+_"With a large, stout constable."_                               47
+
+_"Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger."_                51
+
+_"A weedy, tall male gentleman."_                                61
+
+_"A beaming simper of indescribable suavity."_                   81
+
+_"I became once more the silent tomb."_                          91
+
+_"In garbage of unparagoned shabbiness."_                        99
+
+_"The spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the
+    returned Shahzadar."_                                       107
+
+_"Some haughty masculine might insult her under
+    my very nose."_                                             115
+
+_"It was here," I said, reverently, "that the swan of
+    Avon was hatched!"_                                         129
+
+_"Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye."_      141
+
+_"Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"_                        151
+
+_"Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"_                                     157
+
+_"A royal command from the Queen-Empress."_                     169
+
+_"Would be greatly improved by the simple addition
+    of some knee-caps."_                                        179
+
+_"I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a
+    'Blooming Blacky!'"_                                        187
+
+_"Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance."_         191
+
+_"I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the
+    fairylike Miss Wee-Wee."_                                   203
+
+_"Whether he had wha-haed wi' hon'ble Wallace?"_                209
+
+_Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram._                                       219
+
+_"Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped."_       227
+
+_Mr Justice Honeygall._                                         237
+
+_Witherington, Q.C._                                            247
+
+_"Jabberjee's face gradually lengthens."_                       261
+
+
+The text and illustrations of this book are reproduced by kind
+permission of the Proprietors of _Punch_.
+
+[Illustration: _Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A._]
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY LETTER FROM BABOO JABBERJEE.
+
+_To the Hon'ble ---- Punch._
+
+VENERABLE AND LUDICROUS SIR.--Permit me most respectfully to bring
+beneath your notice a proposal which I serenely anticipate will turn up
+trumps under the fructifying sunshine of your esteemed approbation.
+
+Sir, I am an able B.A. of a respectable Indian University, now in this
+country for purposes of being crammed through Inns of Court and Law
+Exam., and rendering myself a completely fledged Pleader or Barrister in
+the Native Bar of the High Court.
+
+Since my sojourn here, I have accomplished the laborious perusal of your
+transcendent and tip-top periodical, and, hoity toity! I am like a duck
+in thunder with admiring wonderment at the drollishness and jocosity
+with which your paper is ready to burst in its pictorial department.
+But, alack! when I turn my critical attention to the literary contents,
+I am met with a lamentable deficiency and no great shakes, for I note
+there the fly in the ointment and _hiatus valde deflendus_--to wit the
+utter absenteeism of a correct and classical style in English
+composition.
+
+To the highly educated native gentleman who searches your printed
+articles, hoping fondly to find himself in a well of English pure and
+undefiled, it proves merely to fish in the air. Conceive, Sir, the
+disgustful result to one saturated to the skin of his teeth in best
+English masterpieces of immaculate and moderately good prose extracts
+and dramatic passages, published with notes for the use of the native
+student, at weltering in a hotchpot and hurley-burley of arbitrarily
+distorted and very vulgarised cockneydoms and purely London
+provincialities, which must be of necessity to him as casting pearls
+before a swine!
+
+And I have the honour to inform you of a number of cultivated lively
+young native B.A.'s, both here and in my country, who are quite capable
+to appreciate really fine writing and sonoriferous periods if published
+in your paper, and which would infallibly result in a feather in your
+cap and bring increase of grit to the mill.
+
+If, Honoured Sir, you feel disposed to bolster yourself up with the wet
+blanket of a _non possumus_, and reply to me that your existing
+quill-drivers are too fat-witted and shallow-pated for the production of
+more pretentiously polished lucubrations--aye, not even if they burn the
+night-light oil and hear the chimes at midnight! I will not be
+hoodwinked by the superficiality of your _cui bono_, and shall make you
+the answer that I am willing _for an exceedingly paltry honorarium_ to
+rush into the Gordian knot and write you the most superior essays on
+every conceivable and inconceivable subject under the sun, as per
+enclosed samples which I forward respectfully for your delightful and
+golden opinions, guaranteeing faithfully that all of your readers in
+every hemisphere and postal district will fall in love with such a new
+departure and fresh tack.
+
+The specimens I send are _not my best_, only very ordinary and humdrum
+affairs--but _ex pede Herculem!_ Hon'ble Sir, and you will see how
+transcendentally superior are even such poor effusions compared to the
+fiddle-faddle and gim-crack style of article with which you are being
+fobbed off by puzzle-headed and self-opiniated nincompoops.
+
+I can also turn out rhymed poetry after models of Poets TENNYSON,
+COWPER, Mrs HEMANS, SOUTHEY, & Co., _done to a tittle_, so as not to be
+detected, even by the cynosure, as mere spurious imitation, but in every
+respect up to the mark and the real Simon Pure.
+
+Therefore, Hon'ble Sir, do not hesitate to strike while the iron is
+incandescent and bleed freely, even if it should be necessary, prior to
+engaging your humble petitioner's services, to turn out one or more of
+your present contributioners crop and heels, and lay them on the shelf
+of their own incompetencies. Remember that the slightest act of volition
+on your part can exalt my pecuniary status to the skies, as well as
+confer distinguished and unparagoned ennoblement upon your _cacoëthes
+scribendi_.
+
+I remain, respected Sir, Your most obsequious Servant,
+
+            HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A.
+
+P.S. and N.B.--Being so unacquainted with the limner's art, I cannot _at
+present_ undertake the etching of caricatures _et hoc genus omne_.
+However, if such is your will, Hon'ble Sir, I will take the cow by the
+horns, after preliminary course of instruction at Government Art School,
+all expenses, &c., to be defrayed on the nail out of your purse of
+Fortunatus, seeing that your esteemed correspondent is so hard up
+between two stools that he is reduced to a choice of Hodson's Horse!
+
+H. B. J.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: banner]
+
+
+I
+
+_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his
+    work; sundry confidences, criticisms and complaints._
+
+
+When I first received intimation from the supernal and spanking hand of
+Hon'ble _Mr Punch_, that he smiled with fatherly benignity at my humble
+request that he should offer myself as a regular poorly-paid
+contributor, I blessed my stars and was as if to jump over the moon for
+jubilation and sprightfulness.
+
+But, heigh-ho! _surgit amari aliquid_, and his condescending patronage
+was dolefully alloyed with the inevitable dash of bitters which, as Poet
+SHAKSPEARE remarks, withers the galled jade until it winces. For with an
+iron heel has Hon'ble _Mr P._ declined sundry essays of enormous length
+and importance, composed in Addisonian, Johnsonian, and Gibbonian
+phraseology on assorted topics, such as "Love," "Civilisation,"
+"Matrimony," "Superstition," "Is Courage a Virtue, or _Vice Versâ_?" and
+has recommended me instead to devote my pen to quite ephemeral and
+fugacious topics, and merely commit to paper such reflections, critical
+opinions, and experiences as may turn up in the potluck of my daily
+career.
+
+What wonder that on reading such a _sine quâ non_ and ultimatum my _vox
+faucibus hæsit_ and stuck in my gizzard with bashful sheepishness, for
+how to convulse the Thames and set it on fire and all agog with
+amazement at the humdrum incidents of so very ordinary an existence as
+mine, which is spent in the diligent study of Roman, Common,
+International, and Canonical Law from morn to dewy eve in the
+lecture-hall or the library of my inn, and, as soon as the shades of
+night are falling fast, in returning to my domicilium at Ladbroke Grove
+with the undeviating punctuality of a tick?
+
+However, being above all things desirous not to let slip the golden
+opportunity and pocket the root of all evil, I decided to let my
+diffidence go to the wall and boldly record every jot and tittle,
+however humdrum, with the critical reflections and censorious
+observations arising therefrom, remembering that, though the fabulous
+and mountain-engendered mouse was no doubt at the time considered but a
+fiasco and flash in the pan by its maternal progenitor, nevertheless
+that same identical mouse rendered yeomanry services at a subsequent
+period to the lion involved in the compromising intricacies of a
+landing-net!
+
+Benevolent reader, _de te fabula narratur_. Perchance the mousey
+bantlings of my insignificant brain may nibble away the cords of
+prejudice and exclusiveness now encircling many highly respectable
+British lions. Be not angry with me therefore, if in the character of a
+damned but good-natured friend, I venture on occasions to "hint dislike
+and hesitate disgust."
+
+The majestic and magnificent matron, under whose aegis I reside for rs.
+20 per week, is of lofty lineage, though fallen from that high estate
+into the peck of troubles, and compelled (owing to severely social
+disposition) to receive a number of small and select boarders.
+
+Like _Jepthah_, in the play of _Hamlet_, she has one fair daughter and
+no more, a bewitching and well-proportioned damsel, as fine as a
+fivepence or a May-day queen. Notwithstanding this, when I summon up my
+courage to address her, she receives my laborious politeness with a
+cachinnation like that of a Cheshire cheese, which strikes me all of a
+heap. Her female parent excuses to me such flabbergasting demeanour on
+the plea that her daughter is afflicted with great shyness and maidenly
+modesty, but, on perceiving that she can be skittish and genial in the
+company of other masculines, I am forced to attribute her
+contumeliousness to the circumstance that I am a native gentleman of a
+dark complexion.
+
+In addition, I have the honour to inform you of further specimens of
+this inurbanity and bearishness from officials who are perfect strangers
+to the writer. Each morning I journey through the subterranean bowels of
+the earth to the Temple, and on a recent occasion, when I was
+descending the stairs in haste to pop into the train, lo and behold,
+just as I reached the gate, it was shut in my nose by the churlishness
+of the jack-in-office!
+
+At which, stung to the quick at so unprovoked and unpremeditated an
+affront, I accosted him severely through the bars of the wicket,
+demanding sarcastically, "Is _this_ your boasted British Jurisprudence?"
+
+The savage heart of the Collector was moved by my expostulation, and he
+consented to open the gate, and imprint a perforated hole on my ticket;
+but, alack! his repentance was a day after the fair, for the train had
+already taken its hook into the Cimmerian gloom of a tunnel! When the
+next train arrived, I, waiting prudently until it was quiescent, stepped
+into a compartment, wherein I was dismayed and terrified to find myself
+alone with an individual and two lively young terriers, which barked
+minaciously at my legs.
+
+[Illustration: "LET OUT! LET OUT!!"]
+
+But I, with much presence of mind, protruded my head from the window,
+vociferating to those upon the platform, "Let out! Let out!! Fighting
+dogs are here!!!"
+
+And they met my appeal with unmannerly jeerings, until the controller of
+the train, seeing that I was firm in upholding my dignity of British
+subject, and claiming my just rights, unfastened the door and permitted
+me to escape; but, while I was yet in search of a compartment where
+no canine elements were in the manger, the train was once more in
+motion, and I, being no daredevil to take such leap into the dark, was a
+second time left behind, and a loser of two trains. Moreover, though I
+have written a humbly indignant petition to the Hon'ble Directors of the
+Company pointing out loss of time and inconvenience through incivility,
+and asking them for small pecuniary compensation, they have assumed the
+rhinoceros hide, and nilled my request with dry eyes.
+
+But I shall next make the further complaint that, even when making every
+effort to do the civil, the result is apt to kill with kindness; and--as
+King CHARLES THE FIRST, when they were shuffling off his mortal coil,
+politely apologised for the unconscionable long time that his head took
+to decapitate--so I, too, must draw attention to the fact that the
+duration of formal ceremonious visits, is far too protracted and long
+drawn out.
+
+_Crede experto._ A certain young English gentleman, dwelling in the
+Temple, whose acquaintance I have formed, earnestly requested that I
+should do him the honour of a visit; and recently, wishing to be hail
+fellow well met, I presented myself before him about 9.30 A.M.
+
+He greeted me with effusion, shaking me warmly by the hand, and begging
+me to be seated, and making many inquiries, whether I preferred India
+to England, and what progress I was making in my studies, &c., and so
+forth, all of which I answered faithfully, to the best of my abilities.
+
+After that he addressed me by fits and starts and _longo intervallo_,
+yet displaying so manifest and absorbent a delight in my society that he
+could not bring himself to terminate the audience, while I was to
+conceal my immense wearisomeness and the ardent desire I had conceived
+to leave him.
+
+And thus he detained me there hour after hour, until five minutes past
+one P.M., when he recollected, with many professions of chagrin, that he
+had an appointment to take his tiffin, and dismissed me, inviting me
+cordially to come again.
+
+If, however, it is expected of me that I can devote three hours and a
+half to ceremonial civilities, I must respectfully answer with a _Nolo
+episcopari_, for my time is more precious than rubies, and so I will beg
+not only Mr MELLADEW, Esq., Barrister-at-law, but all other Anglo-Saxon
+friends and their families, to accept this as a _verbum sap._ and wink
+to a blind horse.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+_Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the
+    Westminster Play._
+
+
+Being forearmed by editorial beneficence with ticket of admission to
+theatrical entertainment by adolescent students at Westminster College,
+I presented myself at the scene of acting in a state of liveliest and
+frolicsome anticipation on a certain Wednesday evening in the month of
+December last, about 7.20 P.M.
+
+At the summit of the stairs I was received by a posse of polite and
+stalwart striplings in white kids, who, after abstracting large circular
+orifice from my credentials, ordered me to ascend to a lofty gallery,
+where, on arriving, I found every chair pre-occupied, and moreover was
+restricted to a prospect of the backs of numerous juvenile heads, while
+expected to remain the livelong evening on the tiptoe of expectation and
+Shank's mare!
+
+This for a while I endured submissively from native timidity and
+retirement, until my bosom boiled over at the sense of "_Civis Romanus
+sum_," and, descending to the barrier, I harangued the wicket-keeper
+with great length and fervid eloquence, informing him that I was
+graduate of high-class Native University after passing most tedious and
+difficult exams with fugitive colours and that it was injurious and
+deleterious to my "_mens sana in corpore sano_" to remain on legs for
+some hours beholding what I practically found to be invisible.
+
+But, though he turned an indulgent ear to my quandary, he professed his
+inability to help me over my "_pons asinorum_," until I ventured to play
+the ticklish card and inform him that I was a distinguished
+representative of Hon'ble _Punch_, who was paternally anxious for me to
+be awarded a seat on the lap of luxury.
+
+Then he unbended, and admitted me to the body of the auditorium, where I
+was conducted to a coign of vantage in near proximity to members of the
+fair sex and galaxy of beauty.
+
+Thus, by dint of nude gumption, I was in the bed of clover and seventh
+heaven, and more so when, on inquiry from a bystander, I understood that
+the performance was taken from Mr TERRISS'S Adelphi Theatre, which I had
+heard was conspicuous for excellence in fierce combats, blood-curdling
+duels, and scenes in court. And I narrated to him how I too, when a
+callow and unfledged hobbardyhoy, had engaged in theatrical
+entertainments, and played such parts in native dramas as heroic
+giant-killers and tiger slayers, in which I was an "_au fait_" and
+"_facile princeps_," also in select scenes from SHAKSPEARE'S play of
+_Macbeth_ in English and being correctly attired as a Scotch.
+
+But presently I discovered that the play was quite another sort of
+Adelphi, being a jocose comedy by a notorious ancient author of the name
+of TERENCE, and written entirely in Latin, which a contiguous damsel
+expressed a fear lest she should find it incomprehensible and obscure. I
+hastened to reassure her by explaining that, having been turned out as a
+certificated B.A. by Indian College, I had acquired perfect familiarity
+and nodding acquaintance with the early Roman and Latin tongues, and
+offering my services as interpreter of "_quicquid agunt homines_," and
+the entire "_farrago libelli_," which rendered her red as a turkeycock
+with delight and gratitude. When the performance commenced with a scenic
+representation of the Roman Acropolis, and a venerable elderly man
+soliloquising lengthily to himself, and then carrying on a protracted
+logomachy with another greybeard--although I understood sundry
+colloquial idioms and phrases such as "_uxorem duxit_," "_carum mihi_,"
+"_quid agis?_" "_cur amat?_" and the like, all of which I assiduously
+translated _vivâ voce_--I could not succeed in learning the reason why
+they were having such a snip-snap, until the interval, when the lady
+informed me herself that it was because one of them had carried off a
+nautch-girl belonging to the other's son--which caused me to marvel
+greatly at her erudition.
+
+I looked that, in the next portion of the performance, I might behold
+the nautch-girl, and witness her forcible rescue--or at least some
+saltatory exhibition; but, alack! she remained _sotto voce_ and
+hermetically sealed; and though other characters, in addition to the
+elderly gentlemen, appeared, they were all exclusively masculine in
+gender, and there was nothing done but to converse by twos and threes.
+When the third portion opened with a long-desiderated peep of
+petticoats, I told my neighbour confidently that now at last we were to
+see this dancing girl and the abduction; but she replied that it was not
+so, for these females were merely the mother of the wife of another of
+the youths and her attendant ayah. And even this precious pair, after
+weeping and wringing their hands for a while, vanished, not to appear
+again.
+
+Now as the entertainment proceeded, I fell into the dumps with
+increasing abashment and mortification to see everyone around me, ay,
+even the women and the tenderest juveniles! clap the hands and laugh in
+their sleeves with merriment at quirks and gleeks in which--in spite of
+all my classical proficiency--I could not discover _le mot pour rire_ or
+crack so much as the cream of a jest, but must sit there melancholy as a
+gib cat or smile at the wrong end of mouth.
+
+For, indeed, I began to fear that I had been fobbed off with the
+smattered education of a painted sepulchre, that I should fail so
+dolorously to comprehend what was plain as a turnpike-staff to the
+veriest British babe and suckling!
+
+However, on observing more closely, I discovered that most of the
+grown-up adults present had books containing the translation of all the
+witticisms, which they secretly perused, and that the feminality were
+also provided with pink leaflets on which the dark outline of the plot
+was perspicuously inscribed.
+
+Moreover, on casting my eyes up to the gallery, I perceived that there
+were overseers there armed with long canes, and that the small youths
+did not indulge in plaudations and hilarity except when threatened by
+these.
+
+And thereupon I took heart, seeing that the proceedings were clearly
+veiled in an obsolete and cryptic language, and it was simply matter of
+rite and custom to applaud at fixed intervals, so I did at Rome as the
+Romans did, and was laughter holding both his sides as often as I beheld
+the canes in a state of agitation.
+
+I am not unaware that it is to bring a coal from Newcastle to pronounce
+any critical opinion upon the ludibrious qualities of so antiquated a
+comedy as this, but, while I am wishful to make every allowance for its
+having been composed in a period of prehistoric barbarity, I would still
+hazard the criticism that it does not excite the simpering guffaw with
+the frequency of such modern standard works as _exempli gratiâ_, _Miss
+Brown_, or _The Aunt of Charley_, to either of which I would award the
+palm for pure whimsicality and gawkiness.
+
+Candour compels me to admit, however, that the conclusion of the
+Adelphi, in which a certain magician summoned a black-robed,
+steeple-hatted demon from the nether world, who, after commanding a
+minion to give a pickle-back to sundry grotesque personages, did
+castigate their ulterior portions severely with a large switch, was a
+striking amelioration and betterment upon the preceding scenes, and
+evinced that TERENCE possessed no deficiency of up-to-date facetiousness
+and genuine humour; though I could not but reflect--"_O, si sic omnia!_"
+and lament that he should have hidden his _vis comica_ for so long under
+the stifling disguise of a _serviette_.
+
+I am a beggar at describing the hurly-burly and most admired disorder
+amidst which I performed the descent of the staircase in a savage
+perspiration, my elbows and heels unmercifully jostled by a dense,
+unruly horde, and going with nose in pocket, from trepidation due to
+national cowardice, while the seething mob clamoured and contended for
+overcoats and hats around very exiguous aperture, through which
+bewildered custodians handed out bundles of sticks and umbrellas, in
+vain hope to appease such impatience. Nor did I succeed to the recovery
+of my hat and paraphernalia until after twenty-four and a half minutes
+(Greenwich time), and with the labours of Hercules for the golden
+fleece!
+
+[Illustration: "A GOLDEN-HEADED UMBRELLA, FRESH AS A ROSE."]
+
+For which I was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance and
+claim for indemnity to some pundit in authority; but perceiving that by
+such fishing in troubled waters I was the gainer of a golden-headed
+umbrella, fresh as a rose, I decided to accept the olive branch and bury
+the bone of contention.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the
+    Laureateship._
+
+
+It is "_selon les règles_" and _rerum naturâ_ that the QUEEN'S Most
+Excellent Majesty, being constitutionally partial to poetry, should
+desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip-top genius,
+to be kept snug on Royal premises and ready at momentary notice to
+oblige with song or dirge, according as High Jinks or Dolorousness are
+the Court orders of the day.
+
+But how far more satisfactory if Right Hon'ble Marquis SALISBURY,
+instead of arbitrarily decorating some already notorious bard with this
+"_cordon bleu_" and thus gilding a lily, should throw the office open to
+competition by public exam, and, after carefully weighing such
+considerations as the applicant's _res angusta domi_, the fluency of his
+imagination, his nationality, and so on--should award the itching palm
+of Fame to the poet who succeeded best in tickling his fancy!
+
+Had some such method been adopted, the whole Indian Empire might to-day
+have been pleased as _Punch_ by the selection of a Hindoo gentleman to
+do the job--for I should infallibly have entered myself for the
+running. Unfortunately such unparalleled opportunity of throwing soup to
+Cerberus, and exhibiting colour-blindness, has been given the slip,
+though the door is perhaps still open (even at past eleven o'clock P.M.)
+for retracing the false step and web of Penelope.
+
+For I would respectfully submit to Her Imperial Majesty that, in her
+duplicate capacity of Queen of England and Empress of India, she has
+urgent necessity for a Court Poet for each department, who would be
+_Arcades ambo_ and two of a trade, and share the duties with their
+proportionate pickings.
+
+Or, if she would be unwilling to pay the piper to such a tune, I alone
+would work the oracle in both Indian and Anglo-Saxon departments, and
+waive the annual tub of sherry for equivalent in cash down.
+
+And, if I may make the suggestion, I would strongly advise that this
+question of my joint (or several) appointment should be severely taken
+up by London Press as matter of simple justice to India. This is without
+prejudice to the already appointed Laureate as a swan and singing bird
+of the first water. All I desire is that the Public should know of
+another--and, perchance, even rarer--avis, who is _nigroque simillima
+cygno_, and could be obtained dog cheap for a mere song or a drug in the
+marketplace, if only there is made a National Appeal to the Sovereign
+that he should be promoted to such a sinecure and _ære perennius_.
+
+As a specimen of the authenticity of my divine flatulence, please find
+inclosed herewith copy of complimentary verses, written by myself on
+hearing of Poet AUSTIN'S selection. Indulgence is kindly requested for
+very hasty composition, and circumstance of being greatly harrowed and
+impeded at time of writing by an excruciating full sized boil on back of
+neck, infuriated by collar of shirt, poulticings, and so forth.
+
+
+            CONGRATULATORY ODE
+
+_To Hon'ble Poet-Laureate Alfred Austin, Esq._
+
+  Hail! you full-blown tulip!
+  Oh! when the wheezing zephyr brought glad news
+  Of your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse,
+  Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at,
+  To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate!
+  For no _poeta nascitur_ who is fitter
+  To greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter.
+    Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium,
+    Far away, far away from fuliginous busy hum
+    You are now perched with phenomenal velocity
+    On vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity!
+  Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petition
+  Of one consumed by corresponding ambition,
+  And lend the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley,
+  To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali!
+    Whose _ars poetica_ (as per sample lyric)
+    Is fully competent to turn out panegyric.
+  What if some time to come, perhaps not distant,
+  You were in urgent need of Deputy-Assistant!
+  For two Princesses might be confined simultaneously--
+  Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously?
+  Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy! What a fix
+  If with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks!
+    In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly,
+    Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly,
+    By an _epithalamium_ (or what not) to inflame your credit
+    With every coronated head that will have read it!
+    And the _quid pro quo_, magnificent and grand Sir!
+    Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza,
+  Now, thou who scale sidereal paths afar dost,
+  Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dust
+      Upon
+          The head of him
+              Whose fate depends
+                  On Thee!
+
+(_Signed_) BABOO HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE.
+
+
+The above was forwarded (_post-paid_) to Hon'ble AUSTIN'S official
+address at Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey (opposite the Royal
+Aquarium), but--hoity-toity and _mirabile dictu!_--no answer has yet
+been vouchsafed to yours truly save the cold shoulder of contemptuous
+inattention!
+
+What a pity! Well-a-day, that we should find such passions of envy and
+jealousy in bosom of a distinguished poet, whose lucubrated productions
+may (for all that is known to the present writer) be no great shakes
+after all, and mere food for powder!
+
+The British public is an ardent lover of the scintillating jewellery of
+fair play, and so I confidently submit my claims and poetical
+compositions to be arbitrated by the unanimous voice of all who
+understand such articles.
+
+Let us remember that it is never too late to pull down the fallen idol
+out of the gilded shrine in which it has established itself with the
+egotistical isolation of a dog with the mange!
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+_Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old
+    Masters._
+
+
+I have the honour to report that the phantom of delight has recently
+recommenced to dance before me.
+
+[Illustration: "MISS JESSIMINA MANKLETOW."]
+
+Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW, the perfumed, moony-faced daughter of the
+gracious and eagle-eyed goddess who presides over the select boarding
+establishment in which I am resident member, has of late emerged from
+the shell of superciliousness, and brought the beaming eye of
+encouragement to bear upon my diffidence and humility.
+
+This I partly attribute to general impression--which I do not condescend
+to deny--that, at home, I occupy the social status of a Rajah, or some
+analogous kind of big native pot.
+
+So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, she invited me to escort her and a
+similar young virginal lady friend, by name Miss PRISCILLA PRIMMETT, to
+Burlington House, Piccadilly, and, as _Prince Hamlet_ appositely
+remarks, "Look here upon this picture and on this." Which I joyfully
+accepted, being head-over-heels in love with Art, and the possessor of
+two magnificent coloured photo-lithographs, representing a
+steeplechase in the act of jumping a trench, and a water-nymph in the
+very _décolleté_ undress of "_puris naturalibus_," weltering on a rushy
+bed.
+
+We proceeded thither upon the giddy summit of a Royal Oak omnibus, and
+on arriving in the vestibulum, were peremptorily commanded to undergo
+total abstinence from our umbrellas.
+
+Being accompanied by the span-new silken affair with the golden head,
+which, as I have narrated _supra_, I was so lucky to obtain
+promiscuously after witnessing the Adelphi of the Westminster college
+boys, I naturally protested vehemently against such arbitrary and
+tyrannical regulations, urging the risk of my unprotected umbrella being
+feloniously abducted during unavoidable absence by some unprincipled and
+illegitimate claimant.
+
+But, alack! I was confronted with the official ultimatum and _sine quâ
+non_, and have subsequently learnt that the cause of this self-denying
+ordinance is due to the uncontrollable enthusiasm of British Public for
+works of art, which leads them to signify approbation by puncturing
+innumerable orifices by dint of sticks or umbrellas in the process of
+pointing out tit-bits of painting, and on account of the detrimental
+influence on the marketable value of pictures thus distinguished by the
+plerophory of the _Vox Populi_.
+
+Nevertheless, my heart was oppressed with many misgivings at having to
+hand over three hostage umbrellas--one being masculine and two feminine
+gender--and receiving nothing in exchange but a wooden medallion of no
+intrinsic worth, bearing the utterly disproportionate number of over one
+thousand! Next, after, at Miss JESSIMINA'S bidding, having purchased a
+sixpenny index, we ascended the staircase, and on shelling out three
+shillings cash payment, were consecutively squeezed through a restricted
+wicket as if needles going through the eye of a camel.
+
+I will vouchsafe to aver that my interior sensations on penetrating the
+first gallery were those of acute and indignant disappointment, for will
+it be credited that a working majority of the exhibits were second, or
+even third and fourth-hand mechanisms of an unparagoned dingitude, and
+fit only for the lumbering room?
+
+Perhaps I shall be told that this wintry exhibition is a mere stopgap
+and makeshift, until a fresh supply of bright new paintings can be
+procured, and that it is _ultra vires_ to obtain such for love or money
+before the merry month of May.
+
+Still I must persist in denouncing the penny wisdom and pound foolery of
+the Academicals in foisting off upon the public such ancient and
+fish-like articles that have long ceased to be _bon ton_ and in the
+fashion, since it is undeniable that many are over fifty years, and some
+several centuries behind the times!
+
+It is to be hoped that these parsimonious Misters will soon recognise
+that it is not possible for modern up-to-date Art to be florescent under
+this retrograde and fossilized system, and be warned that such
+untradesmanlike goings-on will deservedly forfeit the confidence and
+patronage of their most fastidious customers.
+
+Miss JESSIMINA remarked more than once that such and such a picture was
+not in _her_ taste and she would never have chosen it personally, while
+Miss PRIMMETT declared that she would not have had her likeness taken by
+Hon'ble Sir JOSH GAINSBORO, or Misters VELASKY and VANDICK, not even if
+they implored her on their bended marrowbones, and that, as for a
+certain individual effeminately named ETTY, it was a wonderment to her
+how respectable people could stand in front of such brazen performances!
+These remarks are trivial, perhaps, but even straws will serve as cocks
+of the weather on occasions, and, moreover, I shall certify that the
+most general tone was of a critical and disapproving severity, and it
+was quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have
+done the job better themselves.
+
+A certain Mister TURNER came in for the BENJAMIN'S mess of obloquy,
+having represented Pluto, the god of wealth, in the act of carrying off
+a female Proserpine, but the figures so Lilliputian, and in such a
+disproportionate expansion of confused sceneries, that the elopement
+produced but a very paltry impression. The slipshod carelessness of this
+painter may be realised from the fact that in a composition styled
+"_Blue Lights to Warn Steamboats off Shoal Water_," the blue lights are
+conspicuous by their total absence, and the mistiness of the
+atmospherical conditions renders it difficult to distinguish either the
+steamers or the shoals with even tolerable accuracy!
+
+In the ulterior room were sundry productions from Umbrian and Milanese
+and other schools, such being presumptively the teaching establishments
+over which Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER and GREUZY and Co. predominated
+as Old Masters. But surely it is unfair, and like seething a kid in the
+maternal nutriment, to class such crude and hobbardyhoy performances
+with works by more senile hands!
+
+Here I observed a painting to illustrate scenes in the life of an
+important celebrity, who was childishly represented many times over
+having separate adventures in the space of a few square feet, and of a
+Brobdingnacian bulkiness compared to his perspective surroundings.
+
+Had this been the work of an Indian artist, native gentlemen out there
+would simply have smiled pitiably at such ignorance, and given him the
+gentle admonishment that he was only to make a fool of himself for his
+pains. There was also a picture of a Diptych, in two portions, with a
+background of gilt, but the figure of the Diptych himself very poorly
+represented as an anatomy.
+
+Where all is so so-so, and below par, it is perhaps invidious to single
+out any for hon'ble mention; but loyalty as a British subject obliges me
+to speak favourably of a concern lent by Her Majesty the QUEEN, and
+representing a bombastical youth engaged in a snip-snap with a meek and
+inoffensive schoolfellow, who supports himself on one leg, and is
+occupied in sheltering his nose behind his arm, until his widowed and
+aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved offspring from his grave
+crisis.
+
+This at least can be commended as being true to nature, as I can attest
+from personal experience of similar boyish loggerheads, although, owing
+to preserving my _sang froid_, I was generally able to remove myself
+with phenomenal rapidity from vicinity of shocking kicks by my truculent
+assailant.
+
+Let me not omit to mention a painting of "_Polichinelle_" by a Gallic
+artist, which Miss PRIMMETT said was the French equivalent to _Punch_.
+At which, speaking loudly for instruction of bystanders, I assured them,
+as one familiarly connected with Hon'ble _Punch_, who regarded me as a
+son, such a portrait was the very antipode to his majestic lineaments,
+nor was it reasonable to suppose that he would allow his counterfeit
+presentment to be depicted in the undignified garbage of a buffoon!
+
+I trust that I may be gratefully remembered by my Liege Lord, and that
+he will be gracious enough to entertain me favourably with something in
+the shape of prize or bonus in reward for such open testimony as the
+above.
+
+I have only to add that the custodian preserved the inviolability of our
+umbrellas with honorable fidelity, and that we moistened the drooping
+clay of our internal tenements at an Aërated Tea Company with a
+profusion of confectionaries, for which my fair friends with amiable
+blandness permitted me the privilege of forking out.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+_In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on
+    Bicycling as a Pastime._
+
+
+In consequence of the increasing demands of the incomparable Miss
+JESSIMINA upon the dancing attendance of your humble servant, I am
+lately become as idle as a newly painted ship, and have not drunk in the
+legal wisdom of the learned _Moonshees_ who lecture in the hall of my
+Inn of Court, or opened the ponderous treatise of Hon'ble Justice
+BLACKSTONE or ADDISON on _Torts_, for many a blank day.
+
+Still, as Philosopher PLATO observed, "_Nihil humani alienum a me
+puto_," and my time has not been actually squandered in the theft of
+Procrastination, but rather employed in the proper study of Mankind, and
+acquiring a more complete knowingness in _Ars Vivendi_.
+
+So I think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a
+practice which threatens to develop into an epidemical kind of plague,
+and carry the deteriorating trails of a serpent over our household
+families, unless promptly scotched by benevolent firmness of a paternal
+Government.
+
+Need I explain I am alluding to the nowaday passion for propelling
+oneself at a severe speed by dint of unstable and most precarious
+machinery? It is now the exception which breaks the rule to take the air
+in the streets without being startled by the unseemly spectacles of
+go-ahead citizens straddled upon such revolutionary contrivances,
+threading their way with breakneck velocity under the very noses of
+omnibus and other horses, and ringing the shrill welkin of a
+tintinnabulating gong!
+
+Nay, even after the Curfew has taken its toll from the knell of parting
+day, and darkness reigns supreme, they will urge on their wild career,
+illuminated by the dim religious light of a small oil lamp!
+
+I possess no knack of medical knowledge, but I boldly state my opinion
+that such daredevilry must necessarily inflict a deleterious result to
+the nervous organisms of these riders; and, who knows, of their
+posterity?
+
+For no one can expect to have hairbreadth escapes from the running
+gauntlet continuously, without suffering a shattering internal panic,
+while catastrophes of fatal injury to life and limb have become _de
+rigueur_.
+
+_Experto crede_--for I can support my _obiter dictum_ by the crushing
+weight of personal experience. A few mornings since I had the honour to
+escort Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW and a middle-aged select female boarder
+into the interior of Hyde Park. The day was fine, though frigid, and I
+was wearing my fur-lined overcoat, with boots of patent Japan leather,
+and a Bombay gold-embroidered cap, so that I was a mould of form and the
+howling nob.
+
+Picture my amazement when, as I promenaded the path beside the waters of
+the Serpentine lake, I beheld a wheeled cavalcade of every conceivable
+age, sex, and appearance; senile gaffers and baby buntings;
+multitudinous women, some plump as a duckling, others thin as a
+paper-thread; aye, and even priests in sanctimonious black and
+milk-white cravats, rolling swiftly upon two wheels, and all agog to
+dash through thick and thin!
+
+On seeing which, the matured lady boarder did exclaim upon the
+difficulties of the performance, and the vast crowd that had collected
+to view such a _tour de force_, but I, perceiving that those seated upon
+the machines used no exorbitant exertions, and, indeed, appeared to be
+wholly engrossed in social intercourse, responded that no skill was
+required to circulate these bicycles, which, owing to being surrounded
+with air-cushions, would proceed _proprio motu_ and without meandering.
+
+Thereupon Miss MANKLETOW expressed an ardent desire to behold myself
+upon one of these same machines, and--as we were now close to the effigy
+of Hon'ble Duke of WELLINGTON disguised as an Achilles, near which were
+certain _bunniahs_ trafficking with bicycles--I, wishing to pleasure my
+fair companion, approached one of these contractors and bargained with
+him for the sole user of his vehicle for the space of one calendar hour,
+to which he consented at the _honorarium_ of one rupee four annas.
+
+But, on receiving the bicycle from his hands, I at once perceived myself
+under a total impossibility of achieving its ascent--for no sooner had I
+protruded one leg over the saddle than the foremost wheel averted
+itself, and the entire machine bit the dust, which afforded lively and
+infinite entertainment to my feminine companions.
+
+I, however, reproached the _bunniah_ for furnishing a worn-out effete
+affair that was not in working order or a going concern, but he, by
+assuring me that it was all right, cajoled me into trying once more.
+
+[Illustration: "I INSTANTANEOUSLY ENDURED THE TOTAL UPSET!"]
+
+So, divesting myself of my fur-lined overcoat, which I commanded a
+hobbardyhoy of the sweeper class to hold, I again mounted upon the
+saddle, while the proprietor of the machine sustained it in a position
+of rectitude, and then, supporting me by the superfluity of my
+pantaloons, he propelled me from the rear, counselling me to press my
+feet vigorously upon the paddles. But it all proved as the labour of
+Sisyphus, for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions and
+adamantine hardihood, and whenever the bicycle-man released his hold,
+I instantaneously endured the total upset!
+
+Then again I reproved him for his _Punica fides_, informing him that I
+required a machine that would run with smooth progressiveness, precisely
+similar to those I beheld in motion around me. To which he replied that
+I must not expect to be able to ride _impromptu_ as well as individuals
+who had only mastered the accomplishment by long continuity of practice
+and industry.
+
+"Oh, man of wily tongue!" I addressed him. "Not thus will you bamboozle
+my supposed simplicity! For if the art were indeed so difficult as you
+pretend, how should it be acquired by so many timid and delicate
+feminines and mere nurselings? This machine of yours is nothing but an
+obsolete _hors de combat_ with which it is not humanly possible to work
+the oracle!"
+
+At which, waxing with indignation, he leaped upon it, and to my
+surprise, did easily propel it in whatsoever direction he pleased, and
+its motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest;
+so, beguiled by his representations that, under his instructions, I
+should speedily become a _chef-d'oeuvre_, I once more suffered myself
+to mount the machine; but whether from superabundant energy of my
+foot-paddling, or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of a
+precipitous slope, I was soon horrified at finding that my instructor
+was stripped out, and I abandoned to the lurch of my Caudine fork!
+
+Oh, my goodness! My heart turns to water at the nude recollection of
+such an unparalleled predicament, for the now unrestrained bicycle
+_vires acquirit eundo_, and in seven-league boots! While I, wet as a
+clout with anxiety and perspiration, did grasp the handles like the
+horns of a dilemma, calling out in agonised accents to the
+bystanders,--"Help! I am running away with myself! Half a rupee for my
+life-preserver!"
+
+But they were all as if to burst with laughter, and none had the
+ordinary heroism to intervene, and I with ever increasing rapidity was
+borne helplessly down the declivity towards the gates of Hyde Park
+Corner, when, by the benevolence of Providence, the anterior wheel ran
+under a railing, and I flew off like a tangent into the comparative
+security of a mud-barrow!
+
+On my return and solicitous inquiry for my fur-lined overcoat, I had the
+further shock to discover that it was _solvitur ambulando_!
+
+After such a shuddering experience and narrow squeak of my safety, I
+confidently appeal to the authorities to extinguish this highly
+dangerous and foolhardy sort of so-called amusement, or at the very
+least to issue paternal orders that, in future, no one shall be
+permitted to ride upon any bicycle possessing less than three wheels,
+or guilty of a greater celerity than three (or four) miles per hour.
+
+The fair Miss MANKLETOW amended this proposal by suggesting that the
+Public should be restricted at once to perambulators; but this is,
+perhaps, _majori cautelâ_, and an instance of the over-solicitude of the
+female intellect, for it is not feasible to treat an adult, who has
+assumed the _toga virilis_ and tall hat, as if he was still mewling and
+puking in a tucker and bib.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._
+
+
+The dialoquial form is now become an indispensible _factotum_ in
+periodical literature, and so, like a _brebis de Panurge_, I shall
+follow the fashion occasionally,--though with rather more obedience to a
+literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors in _Punch_
+have thought worth to practise.
+
+Time: the other morning. Scene: the breakfast table at Porticobello
+House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself and other select boarders engaged in
+masticating fowl eggs with their concomitant bacon, while intelligently
+discussing topical subjects (for we carry out the poetical recipe of
+"Plain thinking and high living").
+
+_Miss Jessimina_ (_at the table-head_). The papers seem eloquent in
+laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I should
+like to go if I had anyone to take me!
+
+_Mr Wylie_ (_stingily_). And I would be enraptured at so tip-top an
+opportunity, but for circumstance of being stonily broken.
+
+     [_Helps himself to the surviving fowl egg._
+
+_Mr Cossetter_ (_in sepulchral tone_). Alack! that doctorial
+prescriptions do nill for me such nocturnal jinks; otherwise----
+
+     [_He treats himself to a digestible pill._
+
+_Myself_ (_taking a leap into the darkness and deadly breaches_). Since
+other gentlemen are not more obsequious in gallantry, I hereby tender
+myself for honour of accompanyist and _vade mecum_.
+
+_Miss Jess._ (_lowering the silken curtains of her almond-like orbs_).
+Oh, really, PRINCE! So _very_ unexpected! I must obtain the expert
+opinion of my Mamma.
+
+Mistress MANKLETOW did approve the jaunt on condition of our being
+saddled by a select lady boarder of the name of SPINK as a _tertium
+quid_ to play at propriety; at which I was internally disgusted, fearing
+she would play the old gooseberry with our _tête-à-tête_.
+
+Having arrived at Olympia, we perambulated the bazaar prior to the
+commencement of the shows, and here (after parting with rs. 8 for three
+seats on the balcony) I did bleed more freely still, for Miss JESSIMINA
+expressed a passionate longing to possess my profile, snipped out of
+paper by the scissors of a Silhouette, for which I mulcted one shilling
+sterling.
+
+And, after all, although it proved the _alter ego_ and speaking likeness
+of my embossed Bombay cap and golden spectacles, she found the fault
+that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness; not
+reflecting (with feminine imperceptivity) that, the material being
+black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of all
+alike!
+
+Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a
+pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their
+baptismal appellation (another rupee!).
+
+Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing the
+future for a penny in the slit, and Miss JESSIMINA worked the oracle
+with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing his optics
+and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce a small paper
+which she opened eagerly.
+
+_Miss Jess._ (_after perusal_). Only fancy! It says I'm "to marry a dark
+man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What ridiculous
+nonsense! do you not think so, PRINCE?
+
+_Myself_ (_with a tender sauciness_). Poet SHAKSPEARE asserts there are
+more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. I am not a
+superstitious--and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly
+through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a worshipful adorer who
+might be described as dark, and to whose native land it is a long
+journey?
+
+_Miss Jess._ (_with the complexion of a tomato_). It's time we took our
+seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly!
+
+It is notorious that the English female vocabulary contains no more
+caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I
+repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious
+appreciation.
+
+Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnificent, though the
+introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great prevalence of
+the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, nor do I see the
+rationality of engaging a _sais_ in topped boots to attend upon each
+machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of its belonging to the
+equine genus, since it can never become the similitude of a horse in
+mettlesome vivacity.
+
+My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the
+extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of a
+huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from scientific
+considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of gravitation, it
+was not possible for any rider to become a loser of his equilibrium--lo
+and behold! two of the competitors made the _facilis descensus_, and
+were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a calamity.
+
+But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable to
+hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital organs.
+Still, I cannot approve of these bicycle contentions, which are
+veritable provocative flights at the providential features.
+
+After the termination I conducted my _protégées_ to the Palmarium, where
+we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a neat-handed
+Phyllis in the uniform of a house-maid intermixed with a hospital nurse.
+
+Here occurred a most discomposing _contretemps_, for presently Miss
+JESSIMINA uttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding
+herself and Miss SPINK with the brazen eyes of a sheep, and even making
+personal comments on my nationality, which rendered me like toad under a
+harrow with burning indignation.
+
+At length, being utterly beside myself with rage, I summoned one of the
+Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, being
+met with a smiling "_Nolo Episcopari_." So, entreating my companions not
+to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands, I went in search
+of a policeman.
+
+Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to
+understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal
+opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear to
+my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind.
+
+[Illustration: "WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."]
+
+And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had the
+mortification to discover that the two impolite strangers had departed,
+and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were similarly imperceptible.
+
+However, after prolonged search and mental anxiety, I returned alone,
+and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety; and
+hearing that the two strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms
+of an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaintances.
+
+Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute my design of assault
+and battery, more especially as I am the happy receiver of many handsome
+compliments on all sides upon the tactfulness and _savoir faire_ with
+which I extricated myself from my shocking fix.
+
+At which my countenance beams with the shiny resplendency of
+self-satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a
+    Whale._
+
+
+I am this week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck occurring
+to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the addressing
+of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of Hon'ble _Punch_, calling
+attention to the great copiousness of my literary out-put, and the
+ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money on account.
+On which, by returning post, my parched soul was reinvigorated by the
+refreshing draught of a _draft_ (if I may be permitted the rather
+facetious _jeu de mots_) payable to my order.
+
+So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast upon
+the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the improved
+form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the bank on which my
+cheque was drafted, and requested the bankers behind the counter to
+honour it with the equivalent in filthy lucres, which they did with
+obsequious alacrity.
+
+[Illustration: "WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."]
+
+After closely inspecting the notes to satisfy myself that I had not been
+imposed upon by meretricious counterfeits, I emerged with a beaming
+and joyful countenance, stowing the needful away carefully in an
+interior pocket, and, on descending the bank step, was accosted by a
+polite, agreeable stranger, who, begging my pardon with profusion,
+inquired whether he had not had the honour of voyaging from India with
+me in the--the--for his life he could not recall the name of the
+ship--he should forget his own name presently!
+
+"Indeed," I answered him, "I cannot remember having the felicity of an
+encounter with you upon the _Kaisar-i-Hind_."
+
+The Stranger: "To be sure; that _was_ the name! A truly magnificent
+vessel! I forget names--but faces, never! And yours I remember from the
+striking resemblance to my dear friend, the Maharajah of Bahanapúr--you
+know him?--a very elegant young, handsome chap. A splendid _Shikarri_! I
+was often on the verge of asking if you were related; but being then but
+a second-class passenger, and under an impecunious cloud, did not dare
+to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to decease of
+wealthy uncle, I can address you without the mortifying fear of
+misconstruction."
+
+So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with the
+Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform him that I,
+too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn the princely
+instalment of a salary for jots and tittles contributed to periodical
+_Punch_. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing high
+appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the
+miserable paucity of my _honorarium_, saying he was thick as a thief
+with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a
+greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap at a
+Jew's eye.
+
+And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of
+tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at his expense; to
+which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, simple fellow, inflated by
+sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, contrary to my normal habitude,
+his offer of a brandy panee, or an old Tom.
+
+While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, like
+most globular trotters, he had not been long enough in the country to be
+accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so happened, was an
+early acquaintance of my companion, though separated by the old lang
+sign of a longinquity. What followed I shall render in a dialogue form.
+
+The Third party: Why, TOMKINS, you have a prosperous appearance,
+TOMKINS. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity of a
+churched mouse. Have you made your fortune, TOMKINS?
+
+_Mr Tomkins._ I am too easy a goer, and there are too many rogues in
+the world, that I should ever make my own fortune, JOHNSON! Happily for
+me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately departed to
+reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside the dream of
+an avaricious!
+
+_Mr Johnson_ (_enviously_). God bless my soul! Some folks have the good
+luck. (_To me, whispering._) A poor ninny-hammer sort of chap, he will
+soon throw it away on drakes and ducks! (_Aloud, to ~Mr TOMKINS.~_)
+Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely.
+
+_Mr T._ (_in a tone of dolesomeness_). The heart knoweth where the shoe
+pinches it, JOHNSON. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique and
+eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition commanding
+me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three calendered months
+from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed ten thousand pounds
+amongst young deserving foreigners. To-morrow time is up, and I have
+still a thousand pounds to give away! But how to discover genuine young
+deserving foreigners in so short a space? Truly, I go in fear of losing
+the whole!
+
+_Mr J._ Let me act as your _budli_ in this and distribute the remaining
+thousand.
+
+_Mr T._ From what I remember of you as a youth, I cannot wholly rely on
+your discretion. Rather would I place my confidence in this gentleman.
+
+     [_Indicating myself, who turned orange with pleasure._
+
+_Mr J._ Indeed? And how know you that he may not adhere to the entire
+thousand?
+
+_Mr T._ And if he does, it is no matter, if he is a genuine deserving. I
+can give the whole to him if I am so minded, and he need not give away a
+penny of it unless inclined.
+
+     [_At which I was fit to dance with delight._
+
+_Mr J._ I deny that you possess the power, seeing that he is a British
+subject, and as such cannot be styled a "foreigner."
+
+_Mr T._ There you have mooted a knotty point indeed. Alas, that we have
+no forensic big-wig here to decide it!
+
+_Myself_ (_modestly_). As a native poor student of English law, I
+venture to think that, by dint of my legal attainments, I shall be
+enabled to crack the Gordian nut. I am distinctly of opinion that an
+individual born of dusky parents in a tropical climate _is_ a foreigner,
+in the eye of British prejudice, and within the meaning of the testator.
+[_And here I maintained my assertion by a logomachy of such brilliancy
+and erudition that I completely convinced the minds of both auditors._
+
+_Mr J._ (_grumblingly, to ~Mr TOMKINS~_). Assuming he is correct, why
+favour _him_ more than _me_?
+
+_Mr T._ Because instinct informs me that a gentleman with such a face as
+his--however dusky--may be trusted, and with the untold gold!
+
+_Mr J._ (_jealously_). And I am not to be trusted! If you were to hand
+me your _portemonnaie_ now, full of notes and gold, and let me walk into
+the street with it, do you doubt that I should return? Speak, TOMKINS!
+
+_Mr T._ Assuredly not; but so, too, would this gentleman. (_To me, as
+~Mr JOHNSON~ sneered a doubt._) Here, you, Sir, take this _portemonnaie_
+out into the street for five minutes or so, I trust to your honour to
+return it intact. (_After I had emerged triumphantly from this severe
+ordeal of my ~bonâ fide~._) Aha, JOHNSON! am I the judge of men or not?
+
+_Mr J._ (_still seeking, as I could see, to undermine me in his friend's
+favour_). Pish! Who would steal a paltry £50 and lose £1000? If I had so
+much to give away, I should wish to be sure that the party I was about
+to endow had corresponding confidence in _me_. Now, though I have always
+considered you as a dull, I know you to be strictly honest, and would
+trust you with all I possess. In proof of which, take these two golden
+sovereigns and few shillings outside. Stay away as long as you desire.
+You will return, I know you well!
+
+_Myself_ (_penetrating this shallow artifice, and hoisting the
+engine-driver on his own petard_). Who would not risk a paltry £2 to
+gain £1000? Oh, a magnificent confidence, truly!
+
+_Mr J._ (_to me_). Have you the ordinary manly pluck to act likewise? If
+you are expecting him to trust you with the pot of money, he has a right
+to expect to be trusted in return. That is logic!
+
+_Mr T._ (_mildly_). No, JOHNSON, you are too hasty, JOHNSON. The cases
+are different. I can understand the gentleman's very natural hesitation.
+I do not ask him to show his confidence in me--enough that I feel I can
+trust _him_. If he doubts my honesty, I shall think no worse of him;
+whichever way I decide eventually.
+
+      [_Here, terrified lest by hesitation I had wounded him at
+      his quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust
+      the thousand pounds to ~Mr JOHNSON~, I hastily produced all
+      the specie and bullion I had upon me, including a valuable
+      large golden chronometer and chain of best English make, and
+      besought him to go into the outer air for a while with them,
+      which, after repeated refusals, he at last consented to do,
+      leaving ~Myself~ and ~Mr JOHNSON~ to wait._
+
+_Mr J._ (_after tedious lapse of ten minutes_). Strange! I expected him
+back before this. But he is an absent-minded, chuckle-headed chap. Very
+likely he is staring at a downfallen horse and has forgotten this
+affair. I had better go in search of him. What? you will come, too.
+Capital! Then if you go to the right, and I to the left, we cannot miss
+him!
+
+But, alack! we did; and, in a short time, both Misters were invisible to
+the nude eye, nor have I heard from them since. Certain of my
+fellow-boarders, on hearing the matter, declared that I had been diddled
+by a bamboozle-trick; but it is egregiously absurd that my puissance in
+knowledge of the world should have been so much at fault; and, moreover,
+why should one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my
+paltry possessions? It is much more probable that they are still
+diligently seeking for me, having omitted, owing to hurry of moment, to
+ascertain my name and address; and I hereby request Mr TOMKINS, on
+reading this, to forward the thousand pounds (or so much thereof as in
+his munificent generosity he may deem sufficient) to me at Porticobello
+House, Ladbroke Grove, W., or care of his friend, the Editor of _Punch_,
+by whom it will (I am sure) be honourably handed over intact.
+
+Nor need Mr TOMKINS fear my reproaches for his dilatoriness, for there
+is a somewhat musty proverb that "Procrastination is preferable to
+Neverness."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club._
+
+
+Miss SPINK (whom I have mentioned _supra_ as a feminine inmate of
+Porticobello House) is _in additum_ a member of a Debating Female
+Society, which assembles once a week in various private Westbourne Grove
+parlours, for argumentative intercourse.
+
+So, she expressing an anxious desire that I should attend one of these
+conclaves, I consented, on ascertaining that I should be afforded the
+opportunity of parading the gab with which I have been gifted in an
+extemporised allocution.
+
+On the appointed evening I directed my steps, under the guidance of the
+said Miss SPINK, to a certain imposing stucco residence hard by, wherein
+were an assortment of female women conversing with vivacious garrulity,
+in a delicious atmosphere of tea, coffee, and buttered bread.
+
+[Illustration: "A WEEDY, TALL MALE GENTLEMAN."]
+
+After having partaken freely of these comestibles, we made the
+adjournment to a luxuriously upholstered parlour, circled with
+plush-seated chairs and adorned with countless mirrors, and there we
+began to beg the question at issue, to-whit, "_To what extent has Ibsen
+(if any) contributed towards the cause of Female Emancipation?_"
+which was opened by a weedy, tall male gentleman, with a lofty and a
+shining forehead, and round, owlish spectacle-glasses. He read a very
+voluminous paper, from which I learnt that IBSEN was the writer of
+innumerable new-fangled dramas of very problematical intentions,
+exposing the hollow conventionalisms of all established social usages,
+especially in the matrimonial department.
+
+When he had ceased there was a universal and unanimous silence, due to
+uncontrollable female bashfulness, for the duration of several minutes,
+until the chairwoman exhorted someone to have the courage of her
+opinions. And the ice being once fractured, one Amurath succeeded
+another in disjointed commentaries, plucking crows in the teeth of the
+assertions of the Hon'ble Opener and of their precursors, and resumed
+their seats with abrupt precipitancy, stating that they had no further
+remarks to make.
+
+Then ensued another interim of golden "Silence and slow Time," as Poet
+KEATS says, which was as if to become Sempiternity, had not I, rushing
+in where the angels were in fear of slipping up, caught the Speaker in
+the eye, and tipped the wink of my _cacoëthes loquendi_.
+
+To prevent disappointment, I shall report my harangue with verbose
+accuracy.
+
+_Myself_ (_assuming a perpendicular attitude, inserting one hand among
+my vest buttons, and waving the other with a graceful affability_).
+"HON'BLE MISS CHAIRWOMAN, MADAMS, MISSES, AND HON'BLE MISTER OPENER, the
+humble individual now palpitating on his limbs before you is a denizen
+from a land whose benighted, ignorant inhabitants are accustomed to
+treat the females of their species as small fry and fiddle faddle. Yes,
+Madams and Misses, in India the woman is forbidden to eat except in the
+severest solitude, and after her lord and master has surfeited his pangs
+of hunger; she may not make the briefest outdoor excursion without
+permission, and then solely in a covered _palkee_, or the hermetically
+sealed interior of a blinded carriage. (_Cries of 'Shame.'_) In the
+Zenana, she is restricted to the occupation of puerile gossipings, or
+listening to apocryphal fairy tales of so scandalising an impropriety
+that I shrink to pollute my ears by the repetition even of the tit-bits.
+(_Subdued groans._)
+
+"Such being the case, you can imagine the astonishment and gratification
+I have experienced here this evening at the intelligence and forwardness
+manifested by so many effeminate intellects. (_A flattered rustle and
+prolonged simpering._)
+
+"The late respectable Dr BEN JOHNSON, gifted author of _Boswell's
+Biography_ (_applause_), once rather humorously remarked, on witnessing
+a nautch performed by canine quadrupeds, that--although their
+choreographical abilities were of but a mediocre nature--the wonderment
+was that they should be capable at all to execute such a hind-legged
+feat and _tour de force_.
+
+"Similarly, it is to me a gaping marvel that womanish tongues should
+hold forth upon subjects which are naturally far outside the radius of
+their comprehensions.
+
+"The subject for our discursiveness to-night is, '_To what extent has
+Ibsen contributed to the Cause (if any) of Female Emancipation?_' and
+being a total ignoramus up to date of the sheer existence of said
+hon'ble gentleman, I shall abstain from scratching my head over so
+Sphinxian a conundrum, and confine myself to knuckling to the obiter
+diction of sundry lady speakers.
+
+"There was a stout full-blown matron, with grey curl-shavings and a
+bonnet and plumage, who declaimed her opinionated conviction that it was
+degrading and _infra dig._ for any woman to be treated as a doll.
+(_Hear, hear._) Well, I would hatch the questionable egg of a doubt
+whether any rationalistic masculine could regard the speaker herself in
+a dollish aspect, and will assure her that in my fatherland every
+cultivated native gentleman would approach her with the cold shoulder of
+apprehensive respectfulness. (_The bonneted matron becomes ruddier than
+the cherry with complacency, and fans herself vigorously._)
+
+"Next I shall deal with the tall, meagre female near the fire-hearth, in
+abbreviated hair and a nose-pinch, who set up the claim that her sex
+were in all essentials the equals, if not the superiors, of man. Now,
+without any gairish of words, I will proceed baldly to enumerate various
+important physical differentiations which---- (_Intervention by Hon'ble
+Chairwoman, reminding me that these were not in disputation._) I bow to
+correction, and kiss the rod by summing up the gist of my argument,
+viz., that it is nonsensical idiotcy to suppose that a woman can be the
+equivalent of a man either in intellectual gripe, in bodily
+robustiousness, or in physical courage. Of the last, I shall afford an
+unanswerable proof from my own person. It is notorious, _urbi et orbi_,
+that every feminine person will flee in panicstricken dismay from the
+approach of the smallest mouse.
+
+"I am a Bengali, and, as such, profusely endowed with the fugacious
+instinct, and yet, shall I quake in appalling consternation if a mouse
+is to invade my vicinity?
+
+"Certainly I shall not; and why? Because, though not racially a
+temerarious, I nevertheless appertain to the masculine sex, and
+consequentially my heart is not capable of contracting at the mere
+aspect of a rodent. This is not to blow the triumphant trumpet of sexual
+superiority, but to prove a simple undenied fact by dint of an _a
+fortiori_.
+
+"Having pulverised my pinched-nose predecessor, I pass on to a speaker
+of a very very opposite personality--the well-proportioned, beauteous
+maiden with azure starry eyes, gilded hair, and teeth like the seeds of
+a pomegranate (oh, _si sic omnes!_), who vaunted, in the musical accents
+of a cuckoo, her right to work out her own life, independently of
+masculine companionship or assistance, and declared that the saccharine
+element of courtship and connubiality was but the exploded mask of man's
+tyrannical selfishness.
+
+"Had such shocking sentiments been aired by some of the other lady
+orators in this room, I must facetiously have recalled them to a certain
+fabular fox which criticised the unattainable grapes as too immature to
+merit mastication; but the particular speaker cannot justly be said to
+be on all fours with such an animal. Understand, please, I am no
+prejudiced, narrow-minded chap. I would freely and generously permit
+plainfaced, antiquated, unmarriageable madams and misses to undertake
+the manufacture of their own careers _ad nauseam_; but when I behold a
+maiden of such excessive pulchritude---- (_Second intervention by
+Hon'ble Chairwoman desiring me to abstain from personal references._) I
+assure the Hon'ble Miss CHAIRWOMAN that I was not alluding to herself,
+but since she has spoken in my wheel with such severity, I will conclude
+with my peroration on the subject for debate, namely, the theatrical
+dramas of Hon'ble IBSEN. When, Madams and Misses, I make the odious
+comparison of these works, with which I am completely unacquainted, to
+the productions of Poet SHAKSPEARE, where I may boast the familiarity
+that is a breeder of contempt, I find that, in _Hamlet's_ own words, it
+is the 'Criterion of a Satire,' and I shall assert the unalterable _a
+priori_ of my belief that the melodious Swan of Stony Stratford, whether
+judged by his longitude, his versical blankness, or the profoundly of
+his attainments in Chronology, Theology, Phrenology, Palmistry,
+Metallurgy, Zoography, Nosology, Chiropody, or the Musical Glasses, has
+outnumbered every subsequent contemporary and succumbed them all!"
+
+With this, I sat down, leaving my audience as _sotto voce_ as fishes
+with admiration and amazement at the facundity of my eloquence, and
+should indubitably have been the recipient of innumerable felicitations
+but for the fact that Miss SPINK, suddenly experiencing sensations of
+insalubriousness, requested me, without delay, to conduct her from the
+assemblage.
+
+I would willingly make a repetition of my visit and rhetorical triumphs,
+only Miss SPINK informs me that she has recently terminated her
+membership with the above society.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+_How he saw the practice of the University Crews, and what he thought of
+    it._
+
+
+The notorious Intercollegian Boat-race of this _anno Domini_ will be
+obsolete and _ex post facto_ by the time of publication of the present
+instalment of jots and tittles, still I am sufficiently presumptive to
+think that the cogitations and personal experiences of a cultivated,
+thoughtful native gentleman on this coerulean topic may not be found
+so stale and dry as the remainder of a biscuit.
+
+First I will make a clean bosom with the confession that, though
+ardently desirous to witness such a Titianic struggle for the _cordon
+bleu_ of old Father Antic the Thames, I was not the actual spectator of
+the affair, being previously contracted to escort Miss MANKLETOW (whose
+wishfulness is equivalent to legislation) to a theatrical matutinal
+performance, which she would in nowise consent to renounce, alleging
+that she had already seen the Boat-race to the verge of satiety, and
+that the spectacle was instantaneous and paltry.
+
+However, on acquainting my kind and patronising father, Hon'ble _Punch_,
+of my disappointment, he did benevolently propose, as a _pis aller_ and
+blind bargain, a voyage in the steam launch-boat of the official
+coachman of one of the crews so that I might ascertain how the trick was
+done.
+
+And at 10 A.M. on the day of assignation I presented myself at the
+riparian premises of a certain Boating Society, and, on exhibiting my
+letter of credit to the Mentor or Corypheus aforesaid, was received _à
+bras ouverts_ and with an urbane offhandedness.
+
+After I had hung fire and cooled my heels on the banks for a while, I
+was instructed to enter a skiff, which conveyed me and others to a
+steamship of very meagre dimensions, whereupon owing to the heel of one
+of my Japan leather shoes becoming implicated in the wire railing that
+circumvented the desk, I was embarked in a horizontal attitude, and
+severely deteriorated the tall chimneypot hat which I had assumed to do
+credit to the hon'ble periodical I represented. (_Nota bene._ Hatmaker's
+bill for renovating same, 2 rupees 8 annas--which those to whom it is of
+concern will please attend to and refund.)
+
+On recovery of my head-gear and equanimity, I stationed myself in close
+proximity to the officiating coach for purpose of being on the threshold
+of inquiries, and proceeded to pop numerous questions to my neighbours.
+I ascertained, among other things, that the vessels are called
+"eights," owing to their containing nine passengers; that the ninth is
+called the "cock," and is a mere supernumerary or understudent, in case
+any member of the crew should be overcome by sickishness during the
+contest and desire to discontinue.
+
+It appears that the race is of religious and ceremonious origin, for
+only "good men" are permitted to compete, and none who is a wine
+drunkard, a gluttonous, or addicted to any form of tobacco. Moreover,
+they are to observe a strict fast and abstinence for many weeks previous
+to the ordeal. The most prominent ecclesiastics and Judges of the
+Supreme Courts are usually chosen from this class of individuals, which
+is a further proof of the sanctimoniousness attached to the competition.
+
+Consequently I was the more surprised at the disrespectful
+superciliousness of their _Fidus Achates_ or dry nurse, who, stretching
+himself upon his stomach in the prow, did shout counsels of perfection
+at his receding pupils.
+
+Such criticisms as I overheard, seemed to me of a very puerile and
+captious description, and some of an opprobrious personality, _e.g._, as
+when a certain oarman was taunted with being short--as though he were
+capable of adding the cubic inch to his stature!
+
+Another I heard advised to keep his visual organs in the interior of the
+boat, though, being ordinary optics and not at all of a vitreous
+composition, they could not be removable by volition. Again, a third was
+reproached because of the lateness with which he had made his beginning;
+but, as it was not asserted that he was inferior to the rest, the
+tardiness of his initiation was surely rather honourable than
+disgraceful!
+
+I observed that said trainer did stickle almost prudishly for propriety,
+being greatly shocked at the levity with which the rowers were attired
+and entreating them to keep their buttons well up, though indeed I could
+discern none, nor was there much which was humanly possible to be
+buttoned.
+
+For myself, I must make the humble complaint that the Hon'ble Coach was
+defective in courteous attention to my inquisitiveness, which he totally
+ignored. For I could not prevail upon him to explain what thing it was
+that he directed the oarmen to "wait for," to "spring at from a
+stretcher," and "catch at the beginning;" nor why they were forbidden to
+row with their hands, not being quadrumanous, and able to employ their
+feet in such a manner; nor whether when he commanded them to "get in at
+once," he intended them to leap into the waters or to return to the
+landing-place, nor why they did neither of these things; nor why he
+should express satisfaction that a certain rower had got rid of a lofty
+feather, which would indubitably have added to the showiness of his
+appearance.
+
+Again, hearing him anxiously inquire the time after a stoppage, I was
+proceeding to explain how gladly I would have given him such
+information, but for the unavoidable absence of my golden chronometer,
+owing to the failure of Misters TOMKINS and JOHNSON to restore the same,
+whereupon he treated me in such a "please-go-away-and-die" sort of style
+that I subsided with utmost alacrity.
+
+On the return voyage the Collegiate eight was challenged to a spurting
+match by a scratched crew, which appeared to me to be the superior in
+velocity, though it seemed it was then too late to make the happy
+exchange.
+
+When the practice was at an end and the Blues in a state of quiescence,
+I intimated my desire to harangue them and express my wonderment and
+admiration at beholding them content to suffer such hardships and perils
+and faultfinding without expostulation or excuses for their
+shortcomings, and all for no pecuniary recompense, but the evasive
+reward of a _nominis umbra_. And I would have reminded them of the
+extended popularity of their performance, and that it was an unfairness
+to muzzle the ox that treadeth upon one's corn, appealing to them to
+stand up for their rights, and refuse to compete except for the
+honorarium of a _quid pro quo_.
+
+But the official instructor, seeing me about to climb upon the poop, to
+deliver my oration, entreated me with so much earnestness to desist that
+I became immediately aphonous.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight._
+
+
+A young sprightly Londoner acquaintance of mine, who is a member of a
+Sportish Club where exhibitions of fisticuffs are periodically given,
+did generously invite me on a recent Monday evening to be the
+eye-witness of this gladiatorial spectacle.
+
+And, though not constitutionally bellicose, I eagerly accepted his
+invitation on being assured that I should not be requisitioned to take
+part personally in such pugilistic exercises, and should observe same
+from a safe distance and coign of vantage, for I am sufficiently a lover
+of sportfulness to appreciate highly the sight of courage and science in
+third parties.
+
+So he conducted me to the Club-house, and by the open sesame of a ticket
+enabled me to penetrate the barrier, after which I followed his wake
+downstairs, through rooms full of smoking and conversing sportlovers
+mostly in festal attire, to a long and lofty hall with balconies and a
+stage at the further end with foliage painted in imitation of a forest,
+which was tenanted by press reporters.
+
+The centre of the hall was monopolised by a white square platform
+confined by a circumambience of rope, which I was informed was the
+veritable theatre of war and cockpit.
+
+Presently two hobbardyhoys made the ascent of this platform with their
+attendant myrmidons, and did proceed to remove their trouserings and
+coats until they were in the state of nature with the exception of a
+loincloth, whereupon the President or Master of the Ceremonies
+introduced them and their respective partisans by name to the
+assemblage, stating their precise ponderability, and that these juvenile
+antagonists were fraternally related by ties of brotherhood.
+
+At which I was revolted, for it is against nature and _contra bonos
+mores_ that relations should be egged on into family jars, nor can such
+proceedings tend to promote the happiness and domesticity of their home
+circle. However, on such occasion when the youths were in danger of
+inflicting corporal injuries upon each other, the President called out
+"Time" in such reproving tones that they hung their heads in
+shamefulness and desisted. And at length they were persuaded into a
+pacification, and made the _amende honorable_ by shaking each other by
+the hand, whereat I was rejoiced, for, as Poet WATT says, "Birds which
+are in little nests should refrain from falling out."
+
+The victory was adjudged to the elder brother--in obedience, I suppose,
+to the rule of Primogeniture, for he did not succeed in reducing his
+opponent to a _hors de combat_.
+
+Next came a more bustling encounter between Misters BILL HUSBAND and
+MYSTERIOUS SMITH, which was protracted to the duration of eight rounds.
+I was largely under the impression that Mister HUSBAND was to win, owing
+to the acclamations he received, and the excessive agility with which he
+removed his head from vicinity of the blows of Mister MYSTERIOUS SMITH.
+
+It was truly magnificent to see how they did embrace each other by the
+neck, and the wonderment and suspicion in their glances when one
+discovered that he was resting his chin upon the padded hand of his
+adversary, and from time to time the Hon'ble Chairman was heard ordering
+them to "break away," and "not to hold," or requesting us to refrain
+from any remarks. And at intervals they retired to sit upon chairs in
+opposing corners, where they rinsed their mouths, and were severely
+fanned by their bearers, who agitated a large towel after the manner of
+a punkah. But, in the end, it was Mysterious Mister SMITH who hit the
+right nail on the head, and was declared the conquering hero, though
+once more I was incapacitated to discover in what precise respects he
+was the _facile princeps_.
+
+Around the hall there were placards announcing that smoking was
+respectfully prohibited, and the President did repeatedly entreat
+members of the audience to refrain from blowing a cloud, assuring them
+that the perfume of tobacco was noxious and disgustful to the
+combatants, and threatening to mention disobedient tobacconists by name.
+
+Whereupon most did desist; but some, secreting their cigars in the
+hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find it
+flame; while others, who were such grandees and big pots that their own
+convenience was the first and foremost desideratum, continued to smoke
+with lordliness and indifference.
+
+And I am an approver of such conduct--for it is unreasonable that a
+well-bred, genteel sort of individual should make the total sacrifice of
+a cigar, for which he has perhaps paid as much as two or even four
+annas, out of consideration for insignificant common chaps hired to
+engage in snipsnaps for his entertainment.
+
+The last competition was to be the _bonne bouche_ and _pièce de
+résistance_ of the evening, consisting of a rumpus in twenty rounds
+between Misters TOM TRACY of Australia, and TOMMY WILLIAMS, from the
+same hemisphere, at which I was on the tiptoe of expectation.
+
+But, although they commenced with dancing activity, one of the TOMS in
+the very first round sparred the other under the chin with such
+superabundant energy that he immediately became a recumbent for a
+lengthy period, and, on being elevated to a chair, only recaptured
+sufficient consciousness to abandon the sponge.
+
+And then, to my chapfallen disappointment, the Chairman announced that
+he was very sorry and could not help it, but that was the concluding box
+of the evening.
+
+I will reluctantly confess that, on the whole, I found the proceedings
+lacking in sensationality, since they were of very limited duration, and
+totally devoid of bloodshed, or any danger to the life and limb of the
+performers. For it is not reasonably possible for a combatant to make a
+palpable hit when his hands are, as it were, muzzled, being cabined,
+cribbed, and confined in padded soft gloves. I am not a squeamish in
+such cases, and I must respectfully submit that the Cause of True Sport
+can only be hampered by such nursery and puerile restrictions, for none
+can expect to compound an omelette without the fracture of eggs.
+
+Upon remarking as above to my young lively friend, he assured me that
+even a gloved hand was competent to produce facial disfigurement and tap
+the vital fluid, and offered to demonstrate the truth of his statement
+if I would be the partaker with him in a glove-box.
+
+But, though doubting the authenticity of his assertions, I thought it
+prudential to decline the proof of the pudding, and so took a
+precipitate leave of him with profuse thanks for his unparagoned
+kindness, and many promises to put on the gloves with him at the first
+convenient opportunity.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy._
+
+
+It is an indubitable fact that the discovery of steam is the most
+marvellous invention of the century. For had it been predicted
+beforehand that innumerable millions of human beings would be
+transported with security at a headlong speed for hundreds of miles
+along a ferruginous track, the most temporary deviation from which would
+produce the inevitable cataclysm and no end of a smash, the working
+majority would have expressed their candid opinion of such rhodomontade
+by cocking the contemptuous snook of incredulity.
+
+And yet it is now the highly accomplished fact and matter of course!
+
+Still, I shall venture to express the opinion that the pleasurability of
+such railway journeys is largely dependent upon the person who may be
+our travelling companion, and that some of the companies are not quite
+careful enough in the exclusion of undesirable fellow-passengers. In
+proof of which I now beg to submit an exemplary instance from personal
+experience.
+
+I was recently the payer of a ceremonial visit to a friend of my
+boyhood, namely, BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, with whom, finding him at
+home in his lodgings in a distant suburb, I did hold politely
+affectionate intercourse for the space of two hours, and then departed,
+as I had come, by train, and the sole occupant of a second-class dual
+compartment divided by a low partition.
+
+At the next station the adjoining compartment was suddenly invaded by a
+portly female of the matronly type, with a rubicund countenance and a
+bonnet in a dismantled and lopsided condition, who was bundled through
+the doorway by the impetuosity of a porter, and occupied a seat in
+immediate opposition to myself.
+
+[Illustration: "A BEAMING SIMPER OF INDESCRIBABLE SUAVITY."]
+
+When the train resumed its motion, I observed that she was contemplating
+me with a beaming simper of indescribable suavity, and though she was of
+an unornamental exterior and many years my superior, I constrained
+myself from motives of merest politeness to do some simperings in
+return, since only a churlish would grudge such an economical and
+inexpensive civility.
+
+But whether she was of an unusually ardent temperament, or whether,
+against my volition, I had invested my simper with an irresistible
+winsomeness, I cannot tell; but she fell to making nods and becks and
+wreathed smiles which reduced me to crimsoned sheepishness, and the
+necessity of looking earnestly out of window at vacancy.
+
+At this she entreated me passionately not to be unkind, inviting me to
+cross to the next compartment and seat myself by her side; but I did
+nill this invitation politely, urging that Company's bye-laws
+countermanded the placing of boots upon the seat-cushions, and my utter
+inability to pose as a _Romeo_ to scale the barrier.
+
+Whereupon to my lively horror and amazement, she did exclaim, "Then I
+will come to _you_, darling!" and commenced to scramble precipitately
+towards me over the partition!
+
+At which I was in the blue funk, perceiving the _arcanum_ of her design
+to embrace me, and resolved to leave no stone unturned for the
+preservation of my bacon. So, at the moment she made the entrance into
+my compartment, I did simultaneously hop the twig into the next, and she
+followed in pursuit, and I once more achieved the return with
+inconceivable agility.
+
+Then, as we were both, like _Hamlet_, fat and short of breath, I
+addressed her gaspingly across the barrier, assuring her that it was as
+if to milk the ram to set her bonnet at a poor young native chap who
+regarded her with nothing but platonical esteem, and advising her to sit
+down for the recovery of her wind.
+
+But alack! this speech only operated to inspire her with _spretæ injuria
+formæ_, and flourishing a large stalwart umbrella, she exclaimed that
+she would teach me how to insult a lady.
+
+After that she came floundering once again over the partition, and
+guarding my loins, I leapt into the next compartment, seeing the affair
+had become a _sauve qui peut_, and devil take the hindmost: and at the
+nick of time, when she was about to descend like a wolf on a fold, I
+most fortunately perceived a bell-handle provided for such pressing
+emergencies and rung it with such unparalleled energy, that the train
+immediately became stationary.
+
+Then, as my female persecutress alighted on the floor of the compartment
+in the limp condition of a collapse, I stepped across to my original
+seat, and endeavoured to look as if with withers unwrung. Presently the
+Guard appeared, and what followed I can best render in the dramatical
+form of a dialogue:--
+
+_The Guard_ (_addressing the ~Elderly Female~, who is sitting smiling with
+vacuity beneath the bell-pull_). So it is you who have sounded the
+alarm! What is it all about?
+
+_The Elderly Female_ (_with warm indignation_). Me? I never did! I am
+too much of the lady. It was that young coloured gentleman in the next
+compartment.
+
+     [_At which the tip of my nose goes down with
+     apprehensiveness._
+
+_The Guard._ Indeed! A likely story! How could the gentleman ring this
+bell from where he is?
+
+_Myself_ (_with mental presence_). Well said, Mister GUARD! The thing
+is not humanly possible. _Rem acu tetigisti!_
+
+_The Guard._ I do not understand Indian, Sir. If you have anything to
+say about this affair, you had better say it.
+
+_Myself_ (_combining discretion with magnanimousness_). As a chivalrous,
+I must decline to bring any accusation against a member of the weaker
+sex, and my tongue is hermetically sealed.
+
+_The Eld. F._ It was _him_ who rang the alarm, and not me. He was in
+this compartment, and I in that.
+
+_The Guard._ What? have you been playing at Hide-and-seek together,
+then? But if your story is watertight, he must have rung the bell in a
+state of abject bodily terror, owing to your chivying him about!
+
+_The Eld. F._ It is false! I have been well educated, and belong to an
+excellent family. I merely wanted to kiss him.
+
+_The Guard._ I see what is your complaint. You have been imbibing the
+drop too much and will hear of this from the Company. I must trouble
+you, Mam, for your correct name and address.
+
+_Myself_ (_after he had obtained this and was departing_). Mister Guard,
+I do most earnestly entreat you not to abandon me to the tender mercies
+of this feminine. I am not a proficient in physical courage, and have no
+desire to test the correctness of Poet POPE'S assertion, that Hell does
+not possess the fury of a scorned woman. I request to be conducted into
+a better-populated compartment.
+
+_The Guard_ (_with complimentary jocosity_). Ah, such young good-looking
+chaps as you ought to go about in a veil. Come with me, and I'll put you
+into a smoker-carriage. You won't be run after there!
+
+So the incident was closed, and I did greatly compliment myself upon the
+sagacity and coolness of head with which I extricated myself from my
+pretty kettle of fish. For to have denounced myself as the real alarmist
+would have rendered the affair more, rather than less, discreditable to
+my feminine companion, and I should have been arraigned before the
+solemn bar of a police-court magistrate, who might even have made a Star
+Chamber matter of the incident.
+
+All is well that is well over, but when you have been once bitten, you
+become doubly bashful. Consequently, this humble self will take care
+that he does not on any subsequent occasion travel alone in a railway
+compartment with a female woman.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise._
+
+
+Diligent perusers of my lucubrations to _Punch_ will remember that I
+have devoted sundry jots and tittles to the subject of Miss JESSIMINA
+MANKLETOW, and already may have concluded that I was long since up to
+the hilt in the tender passion. In this deduction, however, they would
+have manufactured a stentorian cry from an extreme paucity of wool; the
+actual fact being that, although percipient of the well-proportionate
+symmetry of her person and the ladylike liveliness of her deportment, I
+did never regard her except with eyes of strictly platonic philandering
+and calf love.
+
+It is true that, at certain seasons, the ostentatious favours she would
+squander upon other young masculine boarders in my presence did reduce
+me to the doleful dump of despair, so that even the birds and beasts of
+forest shed tears at my misery, and frequently at meal-times I have
+sought to move her to compassion by neighing like horse, or by the
+incessant rolling of my visual organs; though she did only attribute
+such _ad misericordiam_ appeals to the excessive gravity of the cheese,
+or the immaturity of the rhubarb pie.
+
+But I was then a labourer under the impression that I was the odd man
+out of her affections, and it is well known that, to a sensitive, it is
+intolerable to feel that oneself is not the object of adoration, even to
+one to whom we may entertain but a mediocre attraction.
+
+On a recent evening we had a _tête-à-tête_ which culminated in the utter
+surprise. It was the occasion of our hebdomadal dancing-party at
+Porticobello House, and I had solicited her to become a copartner with
+this unassuming self in the maziness of a waltz; but, not being the
+carpet-knight, and consequently treading the measure with too great
+frequency upon the toes of my fair auxiliary, she suggested a temporary
+withdrawal from circulation.
+
+To which I assenting, she conducted me to a landing whereon was a small
+glazed apartment, screened by hangings and furnished with a profusion of
+unproductive pots, which is styled the conservatory, and here we did sit
+upon two wicker-worked chairs, and for a while were mutually _sotto
+voce_.
+
+Presently I, remarking with corner of eye the sumptuousness of her
+appearance, and the supercilious indifference of her demeanour, which
+made it seem totally improbable that she should ever, like _Desdemona_,
+seriously incline to treat me as an _Othello_, commenced to heave the
+sighs of a fire-stove, causing Miss JESSIMINA to accuse me of desiring
+myself in India.
+
+I denied this with native hyperbolism, saying that I was content to
+remain in _statu quo_ until the doom cracked, and that the conservatory
+was for me the equivalent of Paradise.
+
+She replied that its similitude to Paradise would be more startling if a
+larger proportion of the pots had contained plants, and if such plants
+as there were had not fallen into such a lean and slippered stage of
+decrepitude, adding that she did perpetually urge her mamma to incur the
+expense of some geranium-blooms and a few fairy-lamps, but she had
+refused to run for such adornments.
+
+[Illustration: "I BECAME ONCE MORE THE SILENT TOMB."]
+
+And I, with spontaneous gallantry, retorted that she was justified in
+such parsimony, since her daughter's eyes supplied such fairy
+illumination, and upon her cheeks was a bloom brighter than many
+geraniums. But this compliment she unhappily mistook as an insinuation
+that her complexion was of meretricious composition, and seeing that I
+had put my foot into a _cul-de-sac_, I became once more the silent tomb,
+and exhaled sighs at intervals.
+
+Presently she declared once more that she saw, from the dullness of my
+expression, that I was longing for the luxurious magnificence of my
+Indian palace.
+
+Now my domestic abode, though a respectable spacious sort of residence,
+and containing my father, mother, married brothers, &c., together with a
+few antique unmarried aunts, is not at all of a palatial
+architecture; but it is a bad bird that blackens his own nest, and so I
+merely answered that I was now so saturated with Western civilisation,
+that I had lost all taste for Oriental splendours.
+
+Next she inquired whether I did not miss the tiger-shooting and
+pig-sticking; and I replied (with veraciousness, since I am not the _au
+fait_ in such sports) that I could not deny a liability to miss both
+tigers and pigs, and, indeed, all animals that were _feræ naturæ_, and
+she condemned the hazardousness of these jungle sports, and wished me to
+promise that I would abstain from them on my return to India.
+
+To this I replied that before I agreed to such a self-denying ordinance,
+I desired to be more convinced of the sincerity of her interest in the
+preservation of my humble existence.
+
+Miss JESSIMINA asked what had she done that I should be in dubitation as
+to her _bona fides_?
+
+Then I did meekly remind her of her flirtatious preferences for the
+young beef-witted London chaps, and her incertitude and disdainful
+capriciousness towards myself, who was not a beetlehead or an obtuse,
+but a cultivated native gentleman with high-class university degree, and
+an oratorical flow of language which was infallibly to land me upon the
+pinnacle of some tip-top judicial preferment in the Calcutta High Court
+of Justice.
+
+She made the excuse that she was compelled by financial reasons to be
+pleasant to the male boarders, and that I could not expect any marked
+favouritism so long as I kept my tongue concealed inside my damask cheek
+like a worm in bud.
+
+Upon which, transported by uncontrollable emotion, I ventured to embrace
+her, assuring her that she was the cynosure of my neighbouring eyes, and
+supplied the vacuum and long-felt want of my soul, and while occupied in
+imprinting a chaste salute upon her rosebud lips--who'd have thought it!
+her severe matronly parent popped in through the curtains and, surveying
+me with a cold and basilican eye, did demand my intentions.
+
+Nor can I tell what I should have responded, seeing that I had acted
+from momentary impulsiveness and feminine encouragement, had not Miss
+JESSIMINA, with ready-made female wit, answered for me that it was all
+right, and that we were the engaged couple.
+
+But her mother expressed an ardent desire to hear my _vivâ voce_
+corroboration of this statement, informing me that she was but a poor
+weak widow-woman, but that, if it should appear that I was merely the
+giddy trifler of her daughter's young, artless affections, it would be
+her dolesome duty to summon instantaneously every male able-bodied
+inmate of her establishment, and request them to inflict deserved
+corporal chastisement upon my person!
+
+So, although still of a twitter with amazement at Miss JESSIMINA'S
+announcement, I considered it the better part of valour to corroborate
+it with promptitude, rather than incur the shocking punches and kicks of
+numerous athletic young commercials; and, upon hearing the piece of good
+news, Mrs MANKLETOW exploded into lachrymation, saying that she was
+divested of narrow-minded racial colour prejudices, and had from the
+first regarded me as a beloved son.
+
+Then, blessing me, and calling me her Boy, she clasped me against her
+bosom, where, owing to the exuberant redundancy of her ornamental
+jetwork, my nose and chin received severe laceration and disfigurement,
+which I endured courageously, without a whimper.
+
+When I have grown more accustomed to being the lucky dog, I shall
+commence cockahooping, and become merry as a grig. At the present moment
+I am only capable of wonderment at the unpremeditated rapidity with
+which such solemn concerns as betrothals are knocked off in this
+country.
+
+But if, as _Macbeth_ says, such jobs are to be done at all, then it is
+well they were done quickly.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+_Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations in a
+    Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that Mr Jabberjee
+    failed to understand._
+
+
+My preceding article announced the important intelligence of my
+betrothal, in which I was then too much the neophyte to express any very
+opinionated judgment as to the pros or cons of my approaching
+_benediction_ as a _Benedick_ (if I may be allowed a somewhat humorous
+pun).
+
+_L'appétit vient en mangeant_, and I am blessing my stars more fervidly
+every day for the lucky windfall which has bolted upon me from the blue.
+
+All the select boarders were speedily informed of my engagement, and the
+males though profuse in their congratulations, did manifest their
+green-eyed monster by sundry veiled chucklings and rib-pokings, while
+the ladies--especially Miss SPINK--are become less pressing in their
+attentions, and address me as "Prince" with increased frequency, and in
+a tone of tittering acidulation.
+
+This, however, is attributable to natural disappointment; for it was
+notorious that all of them, even the least prepossessing, were on the
+tiptoe of languishing expectancy that I should cast my handkerchief in
+one of their directions. But the feminine nature is not capable of
+sustaining the good-fortune of another member of their sex with
+good-humoured complacency!
+
+On the other hand, I enjoy many privileges and bonuses. I am permitted
+to enter Mrs MANKLETOW'S private parlour _ad libitum_, and there
+converse with my beloved, calling her "JESSIE," and even embrace her in
+moderation. I may also embrace her Mother, and address her as "Mamma,"
+which affords me raptures of a less tumultuous kind.
+
+Moreover now, when I conduct my _inamorata_ to an entertainment, it is
+no longer _de rigueur_ for any third party to impersonate a gooseberry!
+
+The mention of entertainments reminds me that, a few evenings ago, I
+escorted her to a music-hall, wherein, although I had previously
+believed myself a past master in the shibboleth of London Cockneyisms
+and technical terminology, I heard and saw much which was _au bout de
+mon Latin_, and the head impossible to be made out of the tail.
+
+_E.g._, there were two young lady-performers alleged by the programme to
+be "Serios and Bone Soloists," whereas they were the reverse of
+lugubrious; nor were their physiognomies fleshless or osseous; but, on
+the contrary, so shapely and well-favoured that JESSIE did remonstrate
+with me upon the perseverance with which I gazed at them.
+
+And I could not at all find anyone to explain to me the difference
+between a "_Comedian_" and a "_Comic_"; or a "_Comedian and Patterer_"
+and an "_Eccentric Comedian_"; or a "_Society Belle_" and a "_Burlesque
+Artiste_"; or, again, "_A Sketch Artiste_" and a "_Speciality Dancer_."
+For to me they seemed precisely similar. There were "_four Charming
+Lyric Sisters_," who performed a dance in long expansive skirts, and in
+conclusion did all turn heels-over-head in simultaneity; but this, it
+seems, was--contrary to my own expectancy--_not_ to dance a speciality.
+Speaking for my humble part, I am respectfully of opinion that lovely
+woman loses in queenly dignity by the abrupt execution of a somersault;
+however, the feat did indubitably excite vociferous applause from the
+spectators.
+
+Further there appeared a couple of Duettists in ordinary evening
+habiliments, who sang in unison with egregious melodiousness. One was
+plump as a partridge; the other thin as a weasel; and they related how
+they were both the adorers of a certain lovely damsel called "SALLY,"
+who was the darling of their co-operative hearts, and resided in their
+Alley. And of all the days in the week they loved Sunday, because then
+they were dressed in all their best, and went for a walk with SALLY.
+
+I should have thought that it was not humanly feasible for SALLY to
+continue such periodical promenades without exhibiting some preferential
+kind of choice, either for the partridge or the weasel, and that such a
+triangular courtship and triple alliance would infallibly terminate in
+the apple of discord, but JESSIE did assure me that it was quite usual
+and the correct cheese for a girl to have more than one beau upon her
+string.
+
+[Illustration: "IN GARBAGE OF UNPARAGONED SHABBINESS."]
+
+I made the further observation that the Comedians and Comics must be
+reduced to extreme pauperism, since they presented themselves before a
+well-dressed, respectable audience in garbage of unparagoned shabbiness,
+and with hair of unbrushed wildness, and needing immediate tonsure.
+
+One songster did offer some excuse for the poverty of his appearance,
+telling us his hard case, how that he was occupied in declaring his
+passion to a beauteous damsel, when she was "all over him in a minute,"
+and, while he was making love to the pretty stars above, she cleared out
+all his pockets in a minute! At which many laughed; but, though Jove is
+said to regard lovers' perjuries with cachinnation, I could not help
+feeling the most pitiable sympathy for such a disappointing conclusion
+to a love affair, seeing that it is impossible for the comeliest nymph
+who returns her admirer's devotion by stealing his purse, and similar
+trash, to remain posed any longer upon the towering pedestal of an
+ideal. Upon making this remark to JESSIE, however, she uttered the
+repartee that I was the silly noodle; though she is, I am sure,
+notwithstanding her attachment to gewgaws, not capable of descending
+personally to such light-fingered tactics.
+
+I was additionally bewildered by a chorus chanted by one of the Society
+Belles, which I took down _verbatim_, in the hope of a solution. It was
+as follows: "For I like a good liar, indeed I do! Provided he comes out
+with something new! But why did he tell me that story with whiskers on,
+why, why, why?"
+
+Now to me it is wholly incomprehensible that the female intelligence
+should admire mendacity in the opposite sex on the sole conditions that
+the said liar should present himself in some novel article of attire,
+and, previously to relating his untruth, remove from his cheeks any
+hirsute appendages. One of the boarders whom I consulted on the subject
+attempted to persuade me that it was the _story_ that had the whiskers;
+but it is nonsensical to suppose that a purely abstract affair like an
+untruth could be furnished with capillary growth, which belongs to the
+concrete department.
+
+There was a lady described as an "incomparable Comedienne," who was the
+victim of unexampled bad luck. For she had purchased a camera (which she
+exhibited to the assembly), and with this she had gone about
+photographing landscapes and other sceneries. But, lack-a-daisy! no
+sooner were they printed than the pictures were discovered to be
+irretrievably spoilt by objects in the foreground of such doubtful
+propriety that they were not exactly fit to place among her brick-backs,
+so she was compelled to keep them in a drawer among her knick-nacks!
+
+I should have liked her to inform us where such a faulty mechanism was
+procured, and why she did not exchange it for one of superior
+competency.
+
+She was succeeded on the stage by a little girl with a hoop, who bore a
+striking resemblance to her predecessor, and was probably her infantile
+daughter. This child was evidently of a greatly inquisitive disposition,
+and asked many questions of her progenitors which they were unable to
+answer, bidding her not to bother, and to go away and play.
+
+Then she asked a juvenile boy (who remained invisible), called "JOHNNY
+JONES," and informed us that "she knew now." But I was still in the
+total darkness as to the answers, which even JESSIE declared that she
+was "_Davus non Oedipus_," and not able to provide with the correct
+solutions.
+
+Upon the whole, I am of opinion that music-halls are more fertile in
+mental puzzlement and social problems, and more difficult of
+comprehension, than theatrical entertainments.
+
+This is, no doubt, why the spectators are allowed to consume liquors and
+sandwiches throughout the performance, since it is well known that the
+brain cannot carry on its _modus operandi_ with efficiency if the
+stomach is in the beggarly array of an empty box!
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An invitation to a
+    Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with what he thought of the
+    ceremony, and how he distinguished himself on the occasion._
+
+
+There is a certain English young fellow-student of mine--to wit and
+_videlicet_, HOWARD ALLBUTT-INNETT, Esquire, with whom I have succeeded
+in scratching an acquaintance at sundry Law Lectures, and in the Library
+of my Inn of Court--a most amiable tip-top young chap, who is "the
+moulded glass of fashionable form," and cap-in-hand with innumerable
+aristocratic nobs.
+
+Seeing that I had (at an earlier period) been a more diligent attendant
+and note-taker of lectures than himself, he did pay me the transcendent
+compliment of borrowing the loan of my note-book, which, to my grateful
+astonishment, he condescended to bring back personally to Porticobello
+House, saying that he had found my notes magnificent, and totally
+incomprehensible to his more limited intellect!
+
+In _additum_, he graciously accepted my invitation to ascend to the
+drawing-room, where I introduced him freely to several select lady
+boarders as my _alter ego_ and _Fidus Achates_.
+
+On taking his leave, he expressed some marvelling that I should have
+concealed my superior rank under the reticence of a napkin, having
+observed that I was addressed as "Prince" by more than one of the
+softer-sexed boarders.
+
+I replied that I attached no valid importance to the _nominis umbra_ of
+such a barren title, and that the contents of what there is nothing in
+must necessarily be naught.
+
+He answered me warmly that he entirely joined issue with me in such an
+opinion, and that he was often affected to sickishness by the snobbery
+of mundane society, adding that he hoped I would give him the look up at
+his paternal mansion in Prince's Square, Bayswater, shortly, since his
+people would be overjoyed at making my acquaintance, which both
+enraptured and surprised me, for hitherto he had ridden the high and
+rough-shoed horse, and employed me to suck my brains as a cat's foot.
+
+And odzookers! before many days I was the recipient of a silver-lettered
+missive, stating that Mr and Mrs LEOFRIC ALLBUTT-INNETT did request the
+honour of Prince JABBERJEE'S company at the marriage of their daughter,
+CLORINDA ISABEL, with Mr OVERTON WOODBEIGH-SMART, at a certain sacred
+Bayswater edifice.
+
+This I eagerly accepted, perceiving that my friend must have eulogised
+to his parents my legal accomplishments and forensic acumen.
+
+[Illustration: "THE SPECTATORS SALUTED ME WITH SHOUTS OF JOY AS THE
+RETURNED SHAHZADAR."]
+
+When I did, in all my best, obey, alighting at the church in my embossed
+cap, shawl neckcloth, a pair of yellow glove-kids, and patented Japan
+shoes, the spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned
+SHAHZADAR, which caused me to bow profusely, while the driver of the
+hansom petitioned an additional sixpence.
+
+The interior of the church was dim and crowded with feminines, and I
+could only hear flutters and rustlings, together with a subdued mumble
+at the remoter end--which I ascertained to be the ceremony. Then
+followed the long stop and awkward pause, accompanied on the organ, and
+at length all the company stood on seats and the tiptoe of expectation,
+as the bridal procession moved slowly down the central passage amidst
+the congratulations of their friends and nearest relations.
+
+Not being desirous to hide under a bushel, I did press myself forward,
+and addressing a lady whom I took to be the bride, I felicitated her
+loudly, wishing that she might never become a widow, or use vermilion on
+her grey head, and that she might wear the iron bangle, and get seven
+male children.
+
+Unhappily the serene ray of my goodwill was born to blush unseen in the
+dark unfathomed cave of a desert ear, for the actual recipient of my
+compliments was an unmarried spinster relative, who had already passed
+the years of discretion.
+
+Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT welcomed me with cordial effusiveness, insisting that
+I should honour them by visiting their residence, and critically
+inspecting the nuptial gifts, to which I consented.
+
+On my arrival, I held a lengthy colloquy with the happy bridegroom, from
+whom I was anxious to obtain particulars of English marriage customs,
+such as whether he would be required to spend the evening in having his
+ears pulled, and other facetious banterings by his mother-in-law and
+sisters-in-law, as in India.
+
+But he seemed oppressed by so severe a bashfulness that I could extract
+no information from him, and presently the father of the bride came up
+and conducted me into an apartment wherein was a kind of bazaar, or
+exhibition of clocks and lamps and stationery cases and knives and forks
+and other trinkets and gewgaws, none of which appeared to me at all
+different from similar objects in shop windows.
+
+However, the greatest admiration and wonderment were expressed by all
+who entered, and I found that the host was under grave apprehensiveness
+that the presents might be looted by the more unscrupulous of the
+guests, for he pointed out to me a sharp-eyed, shy gentleman in a
+corner, who, he informed me, was a disguised police-officer. This, at
+first, I was loth to believe, but was assured that it was a necessary
+precaution.
+
+Still, I will presume to point out that the simulation by a policeman of
+the ordinary character of a friend of the family and fellow-rejoicer, is
+a rather reprehensible trap to catch a sleeping weasel, since those
+whose honesty is not invariably above par may be lulled into the false
+security by his civilian get-up. And I did assure him, privately, that
+it was totally unnecessary to keep an eye on myself, who was a native
+University man with no necessity or natural taste for peculation, but
+that I would infallibly inform him if I should succeed at detecting any
+attempted dishonesty.
+
+Later I was ushered into the refreshment-room, and partook of a pink
+ice, with champagne-wine and strawberries, after which I entreated leave
+of Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT to deliver a nuptial oration. And she, overjoyed
+at my happy thought, did loudly request silence for Prince JABBERJEE,
+who was to utter a few very brief utterances.
+
+So as they became all ears, I addressed them, describing how, in my
+native country, at such a bridal feast and blow-out, it was customary
+for the bridegroom's mother to eat a sevenfold repast, for fear of a
+subsequently empty stomach; but the bride's mother, on the contrary,
+will touch nothing, feeling that the more she fasts then, the more
+provender will fall to her later on. And I facetiously added that, on
+the present occasion, I had the certainty that both the mothers might
+indulge their appetites _ad libitum_.
+
+Next I recounted how, during a former boyish wedding of my own, my
+wife's mother after, as was befitting, setting a conical tinselled cap
+upon my head, and placing ten rings of twigs upon my ten fingers, and
+binding my hands with a weaver's shuttle, did say, "I have bound thee,
+and bought thee with cowries, and put a shuttle between thy fingers; now
+bleat then like a lamb." Whereupon I, being of a jokish disposition,
+did, unexpectedly and contrary to usage, cry "Baa" loudly, causing my
+mother-in-law to fear that I was a dull--until that night in the Zenana
+she had the great happiness to overhear me outwitting all the females
+present by the sprightliness of my badinage.
+
+And I was proceeding, amidst vociferous cachinnation, to enumerate some
+of my most lively sallies, when the bride's father did take me by the
+arm, and drawing me aside, inform me that the young couple were just
+about to start for their wedding journey, and that I was urgently
+required to see them depart.
+
+I observed that here, as with us, it is _de règle_ to scatter rice upon
+the head of the bridegroom--but neither treacle nor spices. Moreover,
+this complimentary shower is extended to the bride and the
+carriage-horses, and hurled with athletic vigorousness, while it is a
+point of honour to knock off the coachman's hat with a female satin
+slipper.
+
+I was disappointed to see that both the happy pair had cast aside their
+gorgeous wedding garments, and put on quite ordinary and everyday
+attire, which, if not due to excessive parsimoniousness, must originate
+in a shamefaced desire to conceal their state of connubiality though it
+might be reasonably anticipated that they should rather be anxious to
+manifest their triumphant good-luck _pro bono publico_.
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour of his
+    betrothed. His doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding
+    Establishment, with some scathing remarks upon ambitious pretenders.
+    He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance._
+
+
+The pleasing impression produced by this humble self upon both Mister
+and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT at the wedding of their eldest daughter became
+speedily prolific of golden fruit in the request of the honour of my
+company for dinner at 8.15 P.M. on a subsequent evening.
+
+Incidentally recounting this prime compliment to my lovely JESSIMINA, I
+was astounded that she did not share my jubilations, but was, on the
+contrary, the sore subject at not being included in such invitation,
+which, as I explained, was totally irrational, seeing that the inviters
+remained unaware of her nude existence. She, however, maintained that I
+ought to have mentioned that I was an affianced, and have refused to sit
+at any banquet at which she was fobbed off with a cold shoulder. This
+again was absurd, since the moiety of a loaf is preferable to total
+deprivation of the staff of life, and moreover, in my country, it is
+customary for the husband-elect to take his meals apart from his bride
+that is to be; nor does she ever touch food until he has previously
+assuaged his pangs of hunger. Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified
+until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best English
+workmanship, as an olive-branch and calumet of peace.
+
+But, outside Porticobello House, I have been close as wax on the subject
+of my flowery chains, and it was especially inconceivable that I should
+inform my friend HOWARD of same, since he has frequently bantered me in
+wonderment that a respectable Oriental magnate should reside in such a
+very ordinary and third-rate boarding establishment, where it was an
+impossibility to gain any real familiarity with smart and refined
+English society.
+
+[Illustration: "SOME HAUGHTY MASCULINE MIGHT INSULT HER UNDER MY VERY
+NOSE."]
+
+And who knows that if I should introduce Miss JESSIE into company of a
+superior caste, some haughty masculine might insult her under my very
+nose; and lack-a-daisy! where would she find a protector?
+
+I am certainly oppressed by an increasing dubiety whether Mrs MANKLETOW
+is verily such an upper crustacean and _habituée_ of the _beau monde_ as
+she did represent herself to be. It is well-nigh incomprehensible that
+any individual should seek to appear of a higher social status than
+Nature has provided; but my youthful acquaintance, ALLBUTT-INNETT, Jun.,
+Esq., informs me that this is a common failing among the English
+classes, who fondly imagine that nothing is needed to render a frog the
+exact equivalent to an ox except an increased quantity of air,
+forgetting that if a frog is abnormally inflated, it is apt to provide
+the rather ludicrous catastrophe of exploding from excessive
+swellishness!
+
+However _revenons à nos moutons_--_id est_, the dinner party.
+
+I intended to be the early bird at Prince's Square, but, owing to a
+rarity among the hansom cabs, did not arrive until most of the guests
+were already assembled, being welcomed with effusive hospitality by the
+household god and goddess, Mr and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT, who begged leave
+to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends.
+
+Then--_pop_, and _à l'improviste_--the door was thrown open, and a
+butler announced _ore rotundo_, Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, whom, in the
+wink of an eye, I recognised as an ex-Justice of the very court in
+Calcutta in which my male progenitor practises as a mook-tear, or
+attorney, and who, moreover, was familiar with myself almost _ab ovo_,
+having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said
+father, with a request for his patronising opinion of my abilities, and
+the feasibility of my education at a London Inn of Court!
+
+Oh, my gracious! I was as if to sink through the carpet, and sought to
+draw in my horns of dilemma behind a column, when, to my uncontrollable
+dismay, my hostess led him towards me, with the remark that he was
+probably already acquainted in India with His Highness Prince JABBERJEE.
+
+The Hon'ble Retired Judge at this did merely smile indulgently,
+observing that India was a country of considerable extensiveness, and
+inquiring of me in my own tongue where my _raj_ was situated, and the
+strength of my army, though with a scintillation in his visual organs
+that told me he knew me perfectly well.
+
+And I, realising that honesty was my best policy of insurance from his
+displeasure, did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the Court,
+protesting volubly in native language that I was an industrious poor
+Bengali boy, and had always regarded him as my beloved father; that I
+was not to blame because certain foolish, ignorant persons imagined me
+to be some species of Rajah; and earnestly representing to him that our
+kind mutual hostess would be woefully distressed by any disclosures.
+"Let your Hon'ble Ludship," I said, "only remain hermetically sealed,
+and preserve this as a trade secret, and my sisters, sisters-in-law, and
+aunts shall always chant hymns on the Ganges for your Honour's
+felicities!"
+
+His Honour, laughing good-naturedly, did tell me that if I liked to
+assume the plumes of a daw, it was no affair of his, and kindly promised
+to respect my confidences--at which I was greatly relieved. Indeed,
+throughout the evening, nothing could exceed his affability, for, being
+seated on the other side of the hostess, opposite myself, he showed me
+the greatest honour and deference, frequently requesting my views on
+such subjects as Increased Representation of the People of India, the
+National Congress, and so forth; upon which, being now perfectly
+reassured and at my ease, I discoursed with facundity, and did loudly
+extol the intellectual capacity of the Bengalis, as evinced by
+marvellous success in passing most difficult exams., and denouncing it
+as a crying injustice and beastly shame that fullest political powers
+should not be conceded to them, and that they should not be eligible for
+all civil appointments _pari passu_, or even in priority to Englishmen.
+
+Wherein his Honour did warmly agree, assuring me with fatherly
+benignancy of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to
+be Head of a District somewhere on the Punjab frontier, and mentioning
+how a certain native Bengali gentleman of his acquaintance,
+Deputy-Commissioner GRISH CHUNDER DÉ, Esq., M.A., had distinguished
+himself splendidly (according to the printed testimony of Hon'ble
+KIPLING) in such a post of danger.
+
+I replied, that I was not passionately in love with personal danger, and
+that in my case _cedant arma togæ_, and my tongue was mightier than my
+sword, but that there was no doubt that we Bengalis were intellectually
+competent to govern the whole country, provided only that we were backed
+up from behind by a large English military force to uphold our
+authority, as otherwise we should soon be the pretty pickles, owing to
+brutal violence from Sikhs, Rajputs, Marathas, and similar uncivilised
+coarse races.
+
+And Sir CHETWYND expressed his lively satisfaction that I appreciated
+some of the advantages of the British occupation.
+
+Thus, through my presence of mind in boldly grappling with the nettle, I
+turned what might have been a disaster into a conspicuous triumph, for
+all the company, seeing the favour I was in with such a big wig as
+Hon'ble CUMMERBUND, listened to me with spell-bound enchantment,
+especially my friend HOWARD'S sprightly young sister, a damsel of
+distinguished personal attractiveness, who was seated on my other side.
+Her birth-name is LOUISA-GWENDOLEN; but her family and intimates, so she
+did inform me, call her "WEE-WEE."
+
+Of the dinner itself I can speak highly, as being inexpressibly
+superior, both in stylishness of service and for the quality of the
+food, etc., to any meals hitherto furnished by Mrs MANKLETOW'S mahogany
+board. Nevertheless, I wondered to find the ALLBUTT-INNETTS behind the
+times in one respect, viz., the lighting, which was with old-fashioned
+candles and semi-obscured lamps, instead of the more modern and
+infinitely more brilliant illumination of gas! Here, at least, though in
+other particulars of very mediocre elegance, I must pronounce
+Porticobello House the more up to date.
+
+In taking leave, I did thank Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND profusely
+for so discreetly retaining its feline contents within the generous bag
+of his mouth, whereat he clapped my back very cordially, advising me to
+abstain for the future from a super-abundance of frills, since the
+character of a diligent legal native student was a precious lily that
+needed no princely gilding, and adding that he was indebted to me for a
+most entertaining and mirthful evening. This I do not understand, as I
+had not uttered any of the facetious puns and conceits wherewith it is
+my _wont_--when I _will_[1]--to set the table in a simper.
+
+But possibly I may have spoken rather humorously unawares, and it is
+proverbial that these exalted legal luminaries are pleased with a
+rattle and tickled by a straw.
+
+On my return I did omit to mention Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA; but, after
+all, _cui bono_?
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] This is a fairly sample specimen, though I have frequently surpassed
+it in waggish drollery.--_H. B. J._
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare._
+
+
+I have frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a eulogium
+concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of Hon'ble WILLIAM
+SHAKSPEARE. It has been remarked, with some correctness, that he did not
+exist for an age, but all the time; and though it is the open question
+whether he did not derive all his ideas from previous writers, and even
+whether he wrote so much as a single line of the plays which are
+attributed to his inspired nib, he is one of the institutions of the
+country, and it is the correct thing for every orthodox British subject
+to admire and understand him even when most incomprehensible.
+
+Consequently I did cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from
+my friend ALLBUTT-INNETT, Jun., Esq., on behalf of his parents, that I
+should accompany them on an excursion by rail to Stratford-upon-Avon,
+where the said poet had his domicile of origin.
+
+And so great was my enthusiasm that, during the journey, I declaimed,
+_ore rotundo_, certain select passages from his works which I had
+committed to memory during the salad days of my schoolboyishness, and
+with such effect that Miss WEE-WEE ALLBUTT-INNETT (who is excessively
+emotional) was compelled, at times, to veil her countenance in the
+recesses of a pocket-handkerchief.
+
+Having at length arrived at that hallowed and sacred spot, the very name
+of which sends a sweet and responsive thrill through every educated
+bosom, our first proceeding was to partake of a copious cold tiffin.
+
+This repast we ordered at an old-fashioned hostelry, whose doorway was
+decorated by a counterfeit presentment of the Bard, and I observed that
+similar effigies were placed above several of the shops as I walked
+along the streets. These images somewhat resemble those erected to
+Buddha in certain parts of India, being similarly bald, but
+terminating--not in crossed legs, but a cushion with tassels. However, I
+was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most
+ignorant inhabitants to do anything in the nature of poojah before these
+figures any longer, though probably usual enough before CROMWELL, with
+the iron sides, ordered all such baubles to be removed. In a hole of the
+upper wall of the Town Hall there is a life-size statuary of SHAKSPEARE,
+with legs complete, showing that he was not actually deficient in such
+extremities and a mere gifted Torso: and it is presumable that the
+reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is, that
+marble in these parts is too precious a commodity to be wasted on mere
+superfluities.
+
+We visited the church, and saw his tomb, and there again was the
+superior half of him occupied with writing verses on a cushion in a
+mural niche, supported by pillars. Upon a slab below is inscribed a
+verse requesting that his dust should not be digged, and cursing him who
+should interfere with his bones, but in so mediocre a style, and of such
+indifferent orthography, that it is considered by some to be a sort of
+spurious cryptogram composed by Hon'ble BACON.
+
+On such a _vexata quæstio_ I am not to give a decided opinion, though
+the verse, as a literary composition, is hardly up to the level of
+_Hamlet_, and it would perhaps have been preferable if the poet, instead
+of attempting an impromptu, had looked out some suitable quotation from
+his earlier works. For, when an author is occupied in shuffling off his
+mortal coil, it is unreasonable to expect him to produce poetry that is
+up to the mark.
+
+When I advanced this excuse aloud in the church, a party of Americans
+within hearing exclaimed, indignantly, that such irreverent levity was a
+scandal in a spot which was the Mecca of the entire civilised universe.
+
+Whereupon I did protest earnestly that I meant no irreverence, being
+_nulli secundus_ in respect for the _Genius Loci_, only, as a critic of
+English Literature, I could not help regretting that a poet gifted with
+every requisite for producing a satisfactory epitaph had produced a
+doggerel which was undeniably below his usual par.
+
+This rendered them of an increased ferocity, until Mr ALLBUTT-INNETT
+good naturedly took them into a corner and whispered that I was a very
+wealthy young Indian Prince, of great scholastic attainments, but
+oppressed by an uncontrollable _naïveté_, after which they all came and
+shook me by the hand, saying they were very proud to have met me.
+
+[Illustration: "IT WAS HERE," I SAID, REVERENTLY, "THAT THE SWAN OF AVON
+WAS HATCHED!"]
+
+Afterwards we proceeded to the Birthplace, where a very gentlewomanly
+female exhibited the apartment in which the Infant Bard first saw the
+light. Alack! there was but little light to behold, being a shockingly
+low and dingy room, meagrely furnished with two chairs and a table, on
+which was another of the busts. As I came in, I uttered a remark which I
+had prepared for the occasion. "It was here," I said, reverently, "here
+that the Swan of Avon was hatched!" At which Miss WEE-WEE was again
+overcome by emotion.
+
+The room was greatly in the necessity of whitewash, being black with
+smoke and signatures in lead pencil. Even the window-panes were
+scratched all over by diamonds, on seeing which, and being also the
+possessor of a diamond and gold ring, I was about to inscribe my own
+name, but was prevented by the lady custodian.
+
+I indignantly and eloquently protested that if Hon'ble Sirs, WALTER
+SCOTT, Lord BYRON, ISAAC WALTON, WASHINGTON IRVING and Co. were
+permitted to deface the glass thus, surely I, who was a graduate of
+Calcutta University, and a valuable contributor to London _Punch_, was
+equally entitled, since what was sauce for a goose was sauce for a
+gander, and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT urged that I was a distinguished
+Shakspearian student and Indian prince, but the custodian responded that
+she couldn't help that, for it was _ultra vires_, nevertheless.
+
+However, while she was engaged in pointing out the spot where somebody's
+signature had been before it was peeled away, I, snatching the
+opportunity behind her back, did triumphantly inscribe my autograph on
+the bust's nose.
+
+In the back-room they showed us where SHAKSPEARE'S father stapled his
+wool, which caused Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT to remark that she had always
+understood that the poet was of quite humble origin, and that, for her
+part, she thought it was all the more creditable to him to have done
+what he did do.
+
+We also inspected the Museum, and were shown SHAKSPEARE'S jug, a rather
+ordinary concern; the identical dial which one of the clowns in his
+plays drew out of a poke, and a ring with W. S. engraved on it, found
+in the churchyard some years ago, and, no doubt, dropped there by the
+poet himself, while absorbed in the composition of his famous and
+world-renowned elegy.
+
+There were several portraits of him also, all utterly unlike one
+another, or only agreeing in one respect, namely, their total
+dissimilarity from the bust.
+
+We likewise saw the very desk SHAKSPEARE used, after creeping
+unwillingly to school with a shining face like a snail's. I was pained
+to see evidence of the mischievousness of the juvenile genius, for it
+was slashed and hacked to such a doleful degree as to be totally
+incapacitated for scholastic use!
+
+I myself was sprightly in my youth, but never, I am proud to say, to the
+extent of wilfully damaging my master's furniture! Before leaving, we
+walked to visit the residence of SHAKSPEARE'S wife, which turned out to
+be a very humble thatched-roof affair, such as is commonly occupied by
+peasants.
+
+But, as Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT said, it is a sad fact that distinguished
+literary characters often make most imprudent marriages. Which put me in
+a wonderment whether she had heard anything about myself and Miss
+MANKLETOW.
+
+At one of the bazaars I purchased a beautiful Shakspearian souvenir, in
+the form of a coloured porcelain model of SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace,
+which can be rendered transparent and luminous by the insertion of a
+night-light.
+
+This I had intended humbly to offer for the gracious acceptance of Miss
+WEE-WEE, but having thrust it into a coat-tail pocket, I unfortunately
+sat upon it in the train as we were returning.
+
+So I presented it as a token of remembrance to JESSIMINA, who was
+transported with delight at the gift, which she said could be easily
+rendered the _statu quo_ by dint of a little diamond cement.
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+_Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, with the
+    explanation of such apparent indiscretion._
+
+
+Since writing my latest contribution I have folded up my tent like an
+Arab, and silently stolen away from Porticobello House, this independent
+hook being taken under the ostensible and colourable pretext of a
+medical opinion that the climate of Bayswater was operating injuriously
+upon my internal arrangements, but the real _causa causans_ and _dessous
+des cartes_ being a growing disinclination for the society of select
+male and female boarders.
+
+Miss JESSIMINA was naturally bathed in tears at the announcement of my
+approaching departure, although I fondly sought to console her by
+assurances that my residence in Highbury, Islington, though beyond the
+radius and of inaccessible remoteness from Ladbroke Grove, should not
+obliterate her brilliant image from the cracked looking-glass of my
+heart, and that I would write to her with weekly regularity, and revisit
+the glimpses of her moony presence at the first convenient opportunity.
+
+I do correspond with effusiveness and punctuality through the obliging
+medium of a young intimate Indian acquaintance of mine, who does
+actually reside at Highbury, and has kindly undertaken to forward my
+_billets doux_.
+
+This stratagem is necessitated by the circumstance that (as a matter of
+fact) I am dwelling under a rose at Hereford Road, Westbourne Grove,
+which is in convenient proximity to Prince's Square and the stately home
+of the ALLBUTT-INNETT family, with whom I am now promoted to become the
+tame cat.
+
+[Illustration: _"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED GENTLEMEN."_
+(frontispiece)]
+
+In Hereford Road I occupy garishly genteel first-floor front and back
+apartments at rupees fifteen per week and the Lady of the Land has
+entreated me to kindly excuse the waiting-maid for jumping with
+diffidence whenever I pop upon her unpremeditatedly on the stairs, being
+a nervous girl and unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen--though
+her own countenance, from superabundance of blacking and smuts, being of
+a far superior nigritude, it is I myself who should be more justified in
+jumping.
+
+However, she is already becoming the _habituée_, and seldom drops the
+crockery-ware now--except when I simper with too beaming a
+condescension.
+
+Certain of my readers will perhaps hold up the hands of amazement at my
+imprudence in disclosing my whereabouts, and other private concerns, in
+the publicity of a popular periodical--but there is method in such
+madness; they do not take in _Punch_ at Porticobello House, considering
+that one penny (or even the moiety of that sum) is more correct value
+for funny and comical illustrated journalism, while the ALLBUTT-INNETTS,
+although they see _Punch_ weekly do not peruse the literary contents,
+especially in the season, when, as Mrs A.-I. frequently remarks, they
+are in such a constant whirl of social dissipation that they have
+absolutely no time for serious reading.
+
+At first I was severely mortified that--so far as my acquaintances were
+concerned--these tittlings and jottings should be thus written with
+water, but I have since made the discovery that my cloud of
+disappointment is internally lined with precious silver.
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses._
+
+
+Since shaking the dust off my feet at Porticobello House, I have not
+succeeded to pluck the courage for a personal interview with Miss
+JESSIMINA, and my correspondence, duly forwarded per Mr BHOOBONE LALL
+JALPANYBHOY, of Highbury, has consisted mainly of abject excuses for
+non-attendance on plea of over-study for Bar Exam, and total incapacity
+to journey due to excessive disorderliness in stomach department.
+
+This, unhappily, at length inspired her with the harrowing dread that I
+was on the point of being launched into the throes of eternity, if not
+already as dead as Death's door-nail, and so, with feminine want of
+reflection, she performed a hurried pilgrimage to Highbury.
+
+Now, whether on account of the beetleheadedness of a domestic, or Baboo
+JALPANYBHOY'S incompetency in the art of equivocation, I am not to
+say--but the sequel of her inquiries was the unshakable conviction that
+I had not struck root in the habitation from which my letters were
+ostensibly addressed.
+
+And in a subsequently forwarded letter she did reproach me pathetically
+with my duplicity, and accused me of being a fickle--by which I was so
+unspeakably cut up that I abstained from the condescension of a
+rejoinder.
+
+Next I became the involuntary recipient of another letter in more
+intemperate style, menacing me that with a hook or a crook, she would
+dislodge me from the loophole in which I was snugly established, and
+that several able-bodied boarders were the hue of a full cry in pursuit.
+
+Since Hereford Road is in dangerous proximity to Ladbroke Grove, I was
+sitting tight in my apartments on receipt of this grave intelligence,
+with funk in my heart, and the Unknown hovering above me, when my young
+friend HOWARD ALLBUTT-INNETT, Esq., arrived with his bicycle, like a god
+on a machine, and perceiving the viridity of my countenance, inquired
+sympathetically what was up.
+
+At first, being mindful of the excessive liveliness with which he had
+bantered my residence in a boarding-house of such mediocre pretensions,
+I was naturally disinclined to reveal that I was in the plight of troth
+with the proprietress's daughter; but eventually I overcame my coyness,
+and uncovered the pretty kettle of fish of my _infandum dolorem_, and my
+ardent longing to hit upon some plan to extricate myself from the
+suffocating coils of such a Laocoon.
+
+"My dear old chap," he said kindly, after I had unfolded the last link
+of my tale of woe, "I will put you up in a dodge that will perform the
+trick. Don't see the young woman, or she will get round you with half a
+jiffy. Write to her that you are not worthy of a rap, and no more a
+Prince than I am!"
+
+Hearing his last words, I started, and did, like the ghost of _Hamlet_,
+Senior, "jump at this dead hour," being convinced that young HOWARD had
+found out (perhaps from Hon'ble CUMMERBUND) that my title was a bogus,
+and anticipating that, if he divulged the skeleton of my bare cupboard
+to his highly genteel parents, I should infallibly experience the
+crushing mortification of a chuck out.
+
+However, I hid the fox that was nibbling my vitals by inquiring, in a
+rather natural accent, what he meant by such a suggestion.
+
+"Are you such an innocent, simple old Johnny, Prince," he said, with
+reassuring _bonhomie_, "as not to catch the idea? Do you not know that
+European feminines in all ranks of society--alack, even in our own!--are
+immoderately attracted by anyone possessed of riches and a title--or of
+either of the two? As an _au faït_ in the female temperament, I shall
+wager that it is nine out of ten that if you spoof this mercenary young
+minx into believing that you are merely a native impecunious nonentity,
+and not to be shot at with powder, she will instantaneously drop
+pursuing such a hot potato."
+
+To this speech (reported _verbatim_ to best of my ability) I did shake
+my head sorrowfully, and reply that I greatly feared that JESSIMINA'S
+devotion to this unlucky self was too severe to be diverted, or even
+checked, like a cow that is infuriated or _non compos mentis_, by the
+mere relinquishment of such tinsel and gewgaw wraps as a title or
+worldly belongings, having frequently (and that, too, _prior_ to our
+engagement) protested her preference for very dark-complexioned
+individuals, and her vehement curiosity to behold India.
+
+[Illustration: "ASCENDED HIS BICYCLE WITH A WAGGISH WINKLE IN HIS EYE."]
+
+But he, as he ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye,
+repeated that I might try it on at all events.
+
+Still, I could not induce myself to adopt his spoofish strategy, for I
+reflected that, though it might convince her that I was unmarriageable,
+it would only increase her fury and the vengeance of her champion
+boarders. So at length I composed a moving epistle, as follows:--
+
+      INCOMPARABLE--THOUGH LACK-A-DAISY!
+           INACCESSIBLE--JESSIMINA!
+
+Poet SHAKSPEARE has shrewdly observed that "a true lover never did run a
+straight course," and the sincerity of present writer's affection is
+incontestably proved by his apparent crookedness of running, and keeping
+dark outside the illuminating rays of thy moon-like countenance. The
+cause is the unforeseen cataclysm of a decree from my family astrologer
+or _dowyboghee_, whom I have anxiously consulted upon our joint
+matrimonial prospects. [MEM. TO THE READERS.--_This was what young
+~HOWARD~ would term "~the bit of spoof~." I am no ninny-hammer to
+consult an exploded astrologer!_] _Miserabile dictu!_ the venerable and
+senile pundit reports that such an alliance would infallibly plunge us
+into the peck of troubles, since the sign of your natal month is the
+meek and innocent Lamb--while mine is the more ferocious Lion!
+
+A very slight familiarity with Natural History, &c., will show you the
+utter incompatibility of temper between such an uncongenial couple of
+animals, and the correctness of said astrologer's prediction that it
+must infallibly be the Lamb who would be whiphanded in the unequal
+conflict.
+
+In consequence, though I am beating the floor with my head as I write,
+and moistening the carpet with the copiousness of my lachrymations, I
+must bid you the final and irrevocable adieu and _au revoir_, since I am
+unwilling to act as a selfish. Think of me as "a prince out of thy
+star," to quote the reference of SHAKSPEARE'S character, _Polonius_, to
+_Hamlet_, under precisely similar circumstances. You will please forget
+me _instanter_, and accept this as my last solemn so-long, which I utter
+on the threshold of preparation for the stern and dreaded ordeal of Bar
+Exam. In frantic haste,
+
+Your ever faithful and broken-hearted Baboo,
+
+      HURRY.
+
+P.S.--_No answer required._
+
+But after an interval of a very few posts, in spite of my strict
+injunctions to contrary, I got the answer that she was deeply moved by
+my self-sacrifice, and had never loved me more. Having been brought up
+in a Christian disbelief of all astronomy, she was not in fear of my
+"doweybogey" or any other native bogies, and nothing should part us, if
+she could help it. She added, that I had been seen about Westbourne
+Grove recently.
+
+On receipt of this touching and beautiful communication I was again in
+the stampede of panic, and realised that I must have immediate resort to
+some stronger description of "Spoof."
+
+It is calamitous that I cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single
+exception of my young friend HOWARD'S dodge, which I fear will prove too
+filamentous.
+
+However, a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady!
+
+
+
+
+XIX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and
+    sympathetic reception._
+
+
+In my last I had the honour to report the total non-success of my
+endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological objections, and
+how I was consequentially up the tree of embarrassment.
+
+I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have
+confessed to Miss MANKLETOW in a well-expressed curt letter that I am
+only the possessor of a courtesy title, and, so far from rolling on the
+rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon
+parental remittances for pin-money.
+
+For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her politely to
+my benevolent friend and patron, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, Nevern Square,
+South Kensington; to whom I simultaneously wrote a private and
+confidential note, instructing him that if any young female person was
+to inquire particulars of my birth, origin, &c., he was to tell the
+truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making it
+clear that I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy
+lucre.
+
+The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident hopes
+that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by my friend, young
+HOWARD, will accomplish the job, and procure me the happy release.
+
+I am now to pass to a different subject--to wit, a visit I paid some
+time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in
+conversation with the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, I had boasted freely of the
+credit I was in with certain high grade India Official nobs, who could
+refuse me nothing.
+
+Which was hitherto the positive fact, since I had never requested any
+favour at their hands.
+
+But Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT stated that she had heard that the
+reception-soirées at said India Office were extremely enjoyable and
+classy, and inquired whether I possessed sufficient influence to obtain
+for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments.
+
+Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, and
+would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the
+senior clerks who regarded me as his brother.
+
+So, after procuring a _Whitaker Almanack_, and hunting up the name of
+one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I
+found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and
+inquired my business, and upon my statement that I desired to see Mr
+BREAKWATER, Esq., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a
+marble staircase, at the top of which was a second attendant, also
+engaged in brown study--for the attendants appear to be laudably
+addicted to the cultivation of their minds.
+
+He informed me that I should find Mr BREAKWATER'S room down a certain
+corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a clerk who was hurrying
+along with his hands full of documents, and represented that I had come
+for an immediate interview with Mr BREAKWATER on highly important
+matters.
+
+He demanded incredulously whether Mr BREAKWATER expected me.
+
+This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I was the bosom
+friend of said Mr B., who would be overjoyed to receive me, and,
+following him into a room, I peremptorily demanded that he should inform
+his master without fail that Baboo JABBERJEE was there.
+
+Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell
+and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting-room.
+
+There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English
+and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden nob of my
+umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying,
+that Mr BREAKWATER could see me now, and presently showed me into the
+aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker
+baskets containing dockets and memoranda, _et hoc genus omne_, sat the
+very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling!
+
+Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but I am now
+sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary
+is a frank and breezy apology.
+
+So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, "I am awfully sorry that I
+took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow; but remember
+the proverb, that 'appearances are deceitful,' and do not reveal a thin
+skin about a rather natural mistake."
+
+Mr BREAKWATER courteously entreated me not to mention the affair, but to
+state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native
+Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pass Bar Exam,
+and my intimate connection with the distinguished Bayswater family of
+the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, who were consumed with longing for free tickets to
+an official _soirée_. I then described the transcendent charms of Miss
+WEE-WEE, and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by
+procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed
+out that, as an official in the India Office, he was _in loco parentis_
+to myself, and bound to indulge all my reasonable requests, and I
+assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entire
+ALLBUTT-INNETT family, self included, would ever pray on the crooked
+hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare.
+
+He heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was not in his
+power to oblige me.
+
+"You are not to suppose," I said, "that I am a native TOM-DICK or HARRY.
+I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and candidate for call to Bar. _In
+additum_, I am the literary celebrity, being especially retained to jot
+and tittle for the periodical of _Punch_."
+
+Mr BREAKWATER assured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many
+distinguished claims, but that he was under an impossibility of granting
+my petition for an invite to the annual summer _soirée_, owing to the
+fact that aforesaid festivity was already the _fait accompli_.
+
+"How is that?" I exclaimed. "Have I not read in the daily press of a
+grand _durbar_ to be given shortly in honour of Hon'ble HUNG CHANG?"
+
+"But that is at the Foreign Office," he objected; "we have no connection
+with such a concern."
+
+[Illustration: "PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"]
+
+"The Foreign Office would be better than nullity," I said. "I will tell
+you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign
+Office. You can state that you have known me intimately for a long
+time, and that I am deserving of patronage. Hint, for instance, that it
+is impolitic to show favouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese)
+rather than another, and that you will regard any kindness done to me as
+the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"
+
+He, however, protested that any recommendation from him would be a
+_brutum fulmen_.
+
+"You are too modest, honoured Sir!" I told him, seeing that flattery was
+requisite; "but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and
+virtues are esteemed, and I can assure you that you are not so
+contemptible a nonentity as you imagine. Listen to me; I am now to go to
+the Foreign Office, and shall there assume the liberty of mentioning
+your distinguished name as a referee."
+
+With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I
+liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart
+immediately.
+
+Seeing him so well-disposed, I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his
+shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, "It is all right, old
+boy. Remember, I have complete _bonâ fides_ in your ability to work the
+oracle for me successfully." Which rendered him _sotto voce_ with
+gratification.
+
+But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting
+like Patience on a Monument for two immortal hours, I was officially
+informed that the Principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was
+not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally
+invisible.
+
+This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to
+conduct a first-class Empire!
+
+
+
+
+XX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less
+    successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious
+    epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results._
+
+
+I am happy to announce that I have passed the _pons asinorum_ of Bar
+Exam with facility of a needle penetrating the camel's eye. _Tant
+mieux!_ Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!!
+
+[Illustration: "HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"]
+
+My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to fact
+that I have only recently received official information of my triumph,
+which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with pæans of
+transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English brass band, and
+delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel.
+
+And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lincoln's Inn Hall
+one Monday shortly before 10 A.M., and received pens, some foolscaps,
+and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and
+Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat
+my head with despair!
+
+So much so that I began my answers by pathetically imploring my
+indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compassion, on ground
+that I was an unfortunate Bengalee chap, afflicted by narrow
+circumstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity
+depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks.
+
+However, on perusal of the paper, I found that, owing to diligent cram
+and native aptitude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it
+upon my _caput_, being at home with every description of mortgage, and
+having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the
+extremities of my finger-ends.
+
+In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering
+nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of
+composition, quoting freely from Hon'ble SNELL and UNDERHILL to back my
+opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding
+that I was required by the paper to "discuss" a certain statement, I
+left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a
+logomachy. And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a
+question in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of
+making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the
+impossible.
+
+The ordeal endured for four days. In the Roman Law department, I was
+on the spot with _Stillicidium_ and similar servitudes, and in Criminal
+Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal
+problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I
+stated in a _postscriptum_, not being the practical cyclist, I could not
+be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that
+it was somewhat _infra dig._ for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council
+of Legal Education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but
+flimsy mechanisms.
+
+When called up for _vivâ voce_ purposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by
+the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that,
+after asking one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction,
+and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the
+oracle in my favour.
+
+And so I arrived at the pretty Pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet.
+But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct of every pot
+of ointment, and while I was still jumping for joy at having passed the
+steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from Miss JESSIMINA
+which constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose!
+
+It appeared that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon
+Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND, who had duly informed her that I was not the
+genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Croesus with
+unlimited cash.
+
+Here, if Hon'ble CUMMERBUND had stopped, or represented me as a
+worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well; but most
+unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of
+respectable, well-to-do parentage, and very industrious young chap with
+first-class abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native
+Bar.
+
+JESSIMINA wrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be
+attracted by mere rank, and that it was enough for her that I was in the
+position to maintain her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to
+my promise of marriage, and if I still declined to perform, she would be
+reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer.
+
+On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter
+failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly
+inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up my
+_penna_, inscribed the following epistle:
+
+      MAGNANIMOUS AND EVER ADORABLE JESSIMINA!
+
+I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable
+desire to become the bride of such a man of straw as this undeserving
+self, and will no longer offer any factious opposition to your wishes.
+
+But in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have
+omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hymeneal altar, you
+will not be alone in your glory. As a Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of
+my country, entitled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to
+natural timidity and economical reasons, I have not hitherto availed
+myself of said privilege.
+
+However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family
+pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight,
+and, though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being
+celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant
+marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair.
+
+What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally
+indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a _sateen_ or
+rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially
+under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and
+sisters-in-law of mine of rather nagging idiosyncracies. But ignorance
+of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering and
+ill-natured tone of their remarks.
+
+I can only say that I am quite ready (if you insist upon it) to fulfil
+my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which
+Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. Mr
+CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, of 15 Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my
+first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application.
+
+Ever yours faithfully and devotedly,
+
+      H. B. J.
+
+In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a strong prejudice
+in the mind of European feminines in favour of monogamy, and my letter
+(as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed
+so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to
+hers.
+
+So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply
+that she was astounded with wonderment at the sublimity of my cheek in
+supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife,
+and that she had communicated with CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, Esq., and if my
+statement _re_ infant marriage (which at present she suspected to be a
+mere spoof) proved correct, she would certainly decline my insulting
+offer.
+
+Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile,
+I shall save my brush from this near shave--provided that Mr
+CHUCKERBUTTY RAM has received my tip in time and does not, like Hon'ble
+CUMMERBUND, go beyond his instructions.
+
+But this is not reasonably probable, Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM being a
+tolerably discreet, subtle chap.
+
+
+
+
+XXI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._
+
+
+Being (to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I
+naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most
+superficial observer, and with the half of a naked optic, could easily
+discern the immeasurable superiority of Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA in all
+the refinements and delicacies of a real English lady, and although, up
+to present date, the timidity of girlishness has restrained Miss
+ALLBUTT-INNETT from reciprocating my increasing spooniness, her parents
+and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention
+their ardent hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some
+time this autumn.
+
+So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret
+chamber of my heart.
+
+For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the snobbishness of chasing a
+tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their
+affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the
+revelation that he is merely a member of nature's nobility. Rather the
+contrary.
+
+As Poet BURNS remarks with great truthfulness, "_Rank is but a penny
+stamp and a Man is a Man and all that._" Nevertheless, for the present,
+I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse.
+
+Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privileged on a
+recent evening to escort the ALLBUTT-INNETT ladies to the Empire of
+India Exhibition, upon which I shall now pronounce the opinion of an
+expert, though space forbids me to describe its multitudinous marvels,
+save with the brevity of a soul of wit.
+
+In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly pious _Yogi_ from Ceylon,
+who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs
+embracing his neck, or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes
+inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of
+prayer-making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary
+attitudes, especially when exhibited publicly for an _honorarium_.
+
+I feel proud to narrate that, at Miss WEE-WEE'S urgent entreaties, I
+subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the
+Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but
+a house of cards, or suddenly become totally immobile--though to pass
+interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion
+might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine
+compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without
+having hitched anywhere, and I did most firmly decline to fly in the
+face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive
+balloon.
+
+The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very
+inadequate idea of the principal Calcutta thoroughfares; moreover, to
+cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over
+native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance
+seems a little ludicrous!
+
+After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the
+Empress Theatre, and Miss WEE-WEE made the criticism that the fall of
+Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called
+defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death
+immediately the army of Sultan MAHMUD galloped their horses through the
+gateway.
+
+But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their
+discretion.
+
+It seems--though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in
+previous ignorance of the fact--that Sultan MAHMUD, the Great Mogul
+AKBAR, and SIVAJI, the Mahratta Chief, were each taken in tow and
+personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named
+Love, Mercy and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing of consequence
+was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls.
+
+As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise, I shall confess to
+some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military
+masculines--the more highly educated civilian class of Baboos being left
+out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in
+which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with
+terpsichorean energy, and manoeuvring in companies and circles with
+members of the softer sex. As a philosophical conception of disembodied
+existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good
+enough for ordinary fighting chaps!
+
+I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, greatly owing to the
+condescension of Miss WEE-WEE, who exhibited such entertainment at my
+comments that I left under the confident persuasion that I was
+infallibly to be the favoured swain.
+
+On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter from JESSIMINA,
+beseeching me, for the sake of "Old Langsyne," to meet her on the
+following evening at Westbourne Park Station, and mentioning that
+certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only
+desirous for an amicable arrangement.
+
+Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an
+encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I
+wrote at once accepting the _rendezvous_.
+
+When I duly turned up, lo and behold! I found she was escorted, not
+only by her eagle-eyed mother (JESSIMINA herself inherits, in _Hamlet's_
+immortal phraseology, "an eye like Ma's, to threaten or command"), but
+also by a juvenile individual with a black neck-tie and Hebrew profile,
+whom she formerly introduced to me as Mr SOLOMONS.
+
+Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine
+fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having obtained
+such an excellent substitute for my worthless self, and to wish the
+happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not
+a _fiancé_, but merely a sort of friend, and Mrs MANKLETOW severely
+added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my
+legal contract.
+
+Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same
+to best ability, but that, my offer having been declined with
+contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end.
+
+Here JESSIMINA said that she had of course refused to marry a man who
+declared that he was already the owner of a dusky spouse, but that, on
+inquiries from Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, she had made the discovery that my
+said infant wife had popped off with some juvenile complaint or other
+three or four years ago.
+
+At this I was rendered completely flabaghast--for, although the
+allegation was undeniably correct, I had confidently hoped that my
+friend RAM was unaware of the fact, or would at least have the
+ordinary mother-wit to refrain from blurting it out! "_Et tu, Brute!_"
+But I must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very
+fat-witted sort of fellows.
+
+_Que faire?_--except to explain that my melancholy bereavement must have
+entirely slipped off my memory, and that in any case it had no logical
+connection with the matter in hand.
+
+Then Mrs MANKLETOW inquired, would I, or would I not, marry her illused
+child? and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer.
+
+I replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire, and I was
+prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of--_Not on any
+account._
+
+Whereupon Mr SOLOMONS stepped forward and politely handed me a folded
+paper, and, observing that he thought there was no need to protract the
+interview, he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies, leaving
+myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official
+document into my baffled and bewildered nob.
+
+[Illustration: "A ROYAL COMMAND FROM THE QUEEN-EMPRESS."]
+
+Eventually, I gathered that it was a Royal command from the
+Queen-Empress, backed by the Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain, that
+I was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit of JEMIMA
+MANKLETOW for a claim of damages for having breached my promise to
+marry!
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+No matter! Pugh! Fiddle-de-dee! Never mind! Who cares?
+
+Having successfully passed Exam, and been called to the Bar, I am now an
+_amicus curiæ_, and the friend in Court.
+
+I shall enter my appearance in the forensic costume of wig and gown.
+
+What will be the price of the plaintiff's pleadings _then_, Madams?
+
+
+
+
+XXII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor--with certain
+    reservations._
+
+
+I concluded my foregoing instalment, narrating my service of a writ for
+breaching a promise of marriage, with a spirited outburst of
+_insouciance_ and devilmaycarefulness.
+
+But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of
+the said writ, which contained the peremptory mandate that I was to
+enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, or
+the judgment would be given in my absence!
+
+Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long
+complicated defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect
+myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in
+such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remained _perdu_ with a
+hidden head, I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since,
+heigh-ho! _les absents ont toujours tort_. So that I shed blistering and
+scalding tears like a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a
+devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity,
+until, by a great piece of potluck, on going up the next morning to the
+library of my Inn, I espied my young friend HOWARD in the compound,
+busily employed in a lawn tennis game.
+
+Having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic
+and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its
+entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private
+confabulations at his earliest conveniency, which he observing, after
+the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I
+was forlornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side.
+
+This young ALLBUTT-INNETT, I am to mention here, had only just missed
+succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the inveterate malignancy
+of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament; but from the
+coolness of his cheek, and complete man-of-the-worldliness, is a most
+judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places.
+
+_Experto crede_, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my
+shocking _imbroglio_, he promptly gave me the excellent advice that I
+was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a Mr SIDNEY SMARTLE,
+who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and
+who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that
+he could not find time for working the oracle on my behalf.
+
+"And look here, JAB," he added (he has sometimes the extreme
+condescension to address me as an abbreviation), "I'll trot you up to
+him at once--and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own
+counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native prince, in
+brand-new wig and gown, defending himself single-handed from wiles of
+artful adventuress--why, you'll knock the jury as if with old boots!"
+
+"Alack," said I, sorrowfully; "though I am quite competent to become the
+stump orator at shortest notice, I do not see how I can enter my first
+appearance until I have carefully instructed Misters RAM and JALPANYBHOY
+in the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &c., and a week is
+too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations!"
+
+"Nonsense and stuff!" he replies, "you will have a lot more than that,
+since the week only applies to entering an appearance--which is a mere
+farcical formality that old SID can perform in your place on his head."
+At which I was greatly relieved.
+
+But on arrival at Mr SMARTLE'S office in Chancery Lane, we were
+disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was
+absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was
+the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of
+tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying
+a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather
+adolescent than senile in physical appearance I was vastly impressed by
+the offhanded cocksurety of his manner.
+
+My friend HOWARD introduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in
+the shell of a nut, whereupon Mr SMARTLE jauntily pronounced it to be
+the common garden breach of promise, but that we had better all repair
+to the First Avenue Hotel and lunch, and talk the affair over
+afterwards.
+
+Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and
+cigars, &c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out
+of pocket.
+
+Mr SMARTLE, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I
+certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a
+hole by so publicly proclaiming my engagement, but that my status as an
+oriental foreigner, and the fact I had asserted--viz., that my promise
+was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical funkiness--might
+pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness
+(which, fortunately, is by no means the case).
+
+He added, that we had better engage WITHERINGTON, Q.C., as he was
+notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar.
+
+But to this I opposed the _sine quâ non_ that I am to have the sole
+control of my case in court, and reap the undivided _kudos_, assuring
+him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnesses until they
+could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he
+sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and
+election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess
+sufficient experience; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial
+garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to
+ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a
+typical Indian in the matter of legal subtlety and ready-made wit, and
+that, if not capable of conducting my _own_ case, how, then, could I be
+fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is
+proverbially unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally proficient
+in the practice of barking yourself.
+
+Whereupon, silenced by my _a fortiori_ and _reductio ad absurdum_, he
+gave way, saying that it was my own affair, and, anyhow, there would be
+plenty of time to consider such a matter, since the plaintiff might not
+choose to do anything further till after the Long Vacation, and we could
+easily postpone the hearing of the action until the Midsummer of next
+year.
+
+I, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so procrastinated a
+delay, as I desired to make my forensic _début_ at the earliest possible
+moment, and urged him to leave no stone unturned to get the job finished
+by November at least, suggesting that if we could ascertain the name
+and address of the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him,
+and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of
+his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot.
+
+To which Mr SMARTLE replied that he could not recommend any such
+tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial
+foot in a literal and painful manner.
+
+Now I must conclude with a livelier piece of intelligence: I am now in
+receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit the ALLBUTT-INNETT family
+at the elegant mansion (or--to speak Scottishly--"manse") they have
+hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire,
+N.B.
+
+Mrs A.-I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but
+several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and
+will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so
+that, as she believed I was the keen sportsman, I had better bring my
+gun.
+
+Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having
+since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts,
+bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at
+last an _au fait_ with a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod.
+
+I do not think I shall purchase a gun, for there is a young English
+acquaintance of mine who is the Devil's Own Volunteer, and who will
+no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two.
+
+As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally unnecessary to
+assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk
+after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any cowardly fear from
+pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore
+commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered
+tartan, and other accessories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the
+mark of politeness to dress in the Romish style.
+
+[Illustration: "WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME
+KNEE-CAPS."]
+
+The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture
+humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some
+knee-caps.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his
+    preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to
+    get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty--to
+    which no serious importance need be attached._
+
+
+My fair plaintiff has not suffered the grass of inaction to grow upon
+her feet, having already issued her Statement of Claim, by which she
+alleges that I proposed marriage on a certain date, and did
+subsequently, on divers occasions, treat her, in the presence of sundry
+witnesses, as an affianced, after which I mizzled into obscurity, and on
+various pretexts did decline, and do still decline, to fulfil my nuptial
+contract, by which conduct the plaintiff, being grievously afflicted in
+mind, body, and estate, claims damages to the doleful tune of £1000.
+
+(N.B.--I have thought it advisable here and there to translate the legal
+phraseology into more comprehensible verbiage.)
+
+Now such a claim is to milk a ram, or _prendre la lune avec les dents_,
+seeing that I am not a proprietor of even one thousand rupees.
+Nevertheless (as I have informed Mr SMARTLE), my progenitor, the
+Mooktear, will bleed to any reasonable extent of costs out of pocket.
+
+I have held frequent and lengthy interviews with the said SMARTLE, Esq.,
+who is of incredible despatch and celerity--though I sometimes regret
+that I did not procure a solicitor of a more senile and sympathetic
+disposition.
+
+Assuredly had I done so, such an one would not, after perusing my
+Statement of Defence--a most magnificently voluminous document of over
+fifty folios, crammed and stuffed with satirical hits and sideblows, and
+pathetic appeals for the Bench's indulgence, and replete with familiar
+quotations from best classical and continental authors--such an one, I
+say, would not have split his sides with disrespectful chucklings,
+thrown my composition into a wasted paper receptacle, and proceeded to
+knock off a meagre substitute of his own, containing a very few dry bald
+paragraphs, in the inadequately brief space of under the hour.
+
+Such, however, was Mr SMARTLE'S course; and the sole consolation is
+that, owing to his unprofessional precipitation, the action was set down
+for trial previously to the commencement of the Long Vacation, and my
+case may come on some time next Term, and I be put out of my misery at
+the close of the year.
+
+My aforesaid legal adviser, finding that I adhered with the tenacity of
+bird-slime to my determination to conduct my case in person, did hint
+in no ambiguous language, that it might perhaps be even better for me to
+do the guy next November to my native land, and snip my fingers then
+from a safe distance at the plaintiff.
+
+But it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather (except when
+prostrated by severe bodily panics), and I am consumed by an ardent
+impatience to air my fluencies and legal learnedness before the
+publicity of a London Law Court.
+
+Now, begone dull care! for I am to dismiss all litigious thoughts till
+October or November next, and become a _Dolce far niente_, chasing the
+deer with my heart in the Highlands.
+
+My volunteering acquaintance, by the way, has declined to lend me his
+rifle, on the transparent pretence that it was contrary to regulations,
+and that it was not the _bon ton_ to pursue grouse-birds and the like
+with so war-like a weapon.
+
+So, on young HOWARD'S advice, I made the purchase from a pawnbroker of a
+lethal instrument, provided with a duplicate bore, so that, should a
+bird happen by any chance to escape my first barrel, the second will
+infallibly make him bite the dust.
+
+I have also purchased some cartridges of a very pleasing colour, a
+hunting knife, and a shot belt and pouch, and if I can only procure some
+inexpensive kind of sporting hound from the Dogs' Home, I shall be
+forewarned and forearmed _cap à pie_ for the perils and pleasures of the
+chase.
+
+Miss WEE-WEE did earnestly advise me, inasmuch as I was about to go
+amongst the savage hill tribes of canny Scotians, to previously make
+myself acquainted with their idioms, &c., for which purpose she lent me
+some romances written entirely in Caledonian dialects, also the
+compositions of Hon. Poet BURNS.
+
+But hoity-toity! after much diligent perusal, I arrived at the
+conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most intelligent
+foreigner, unless he is furnished with a good Scotch grammar and
+dictionary.
+
+And _mirabile dictu!_ though I have made diligent inquiries of various
+London booksellers, I have found it utterly impossible to obtain such
+works in England--a haughty and arrogantly dispositioned country, more
+inclined to teach than to learn!
+
+How many of your boasted British Cabinet, supposed to rule our countless
+millions of so-called Indian subjects, would be capable to sit down and
+read and translate--_correctly_--a single sentence from the Mahábhárat
+in the original?
+
+Not more, I shrewdly suspect, than half a dozen at most!
+
+So it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in
+the language and literature of a country like Scotland, which is
+notoriously wild and barren and less densely populated and productive
+than the most ordinary districts of Bengal.
+
+Oh, you pusillanimous Highland chiefs and other misters! how long will
+you tamely submit to such offhanded treatment? Will the day never come
+when, with whirling sporrans and flashing pibrochs you will rise against
+the alien oppressor, and demand Home Rule, together with the total
+abolition of present disdainful British _insouciance_?
+
+When that day dawns--if ever--please note this piece of private
+intelligence from an authorised source: _Young Bengal will be with you
+in your struggle for Autonomy._ If not in body, assuredly in spirit.
+Possibly in _both_.
+
+I say no more, in case I should be accused of trying to stir up
+seditious feelings; but, as a patriotic Baboo gentleman, my blood will
+boil occasionally at instances of stuck-up English self-sufficiency, and
+the worm in the bud, if nipped too severely, may blossom into a rather
+formidable serpent!
+
+[Illustration: "I AM ADDRESSED BY AN UNDERBRED STREET-URCHIN AS A
+'BLOOMING BLACKY!'"]
+
+As, for instance, when, in the course of an inoffensive promenade, I am
+addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a "blooming blacky," and
+cannot induce a policeman to compel my aggressor to furnish me with his
+name and address or that of his parents, or even to offer the most
+ordinary apology.
+
+Enough of these rather bitter reflections, however. I omitted to mention
+that I am also the proprietor (at the same pawnbroker's where I
+bought my breeches-loader gun) of a very fine second-hand salmon-rod, a
+great bargain and immense value, with which I hope to be able to catch a
+great quantity of fishes.
+
+For there is, according to young HOWARD, good fishing in a burn
+adjoining the Manse, so I shall follow King Solomon's injunctions, and
+not spare the rod and spoil the salmons, though if I should happen to
+"spoil" my rod, the salmons would inevitably in consequence be "spared."
+
+This is a sample of the kind of verbal pleasantries in which, when in
+exhilarated high spirits, I sometimes facetiously indulge.
+
+
+
+
+XXIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors._
+
+
+I am now an acclimatised denizen of Caledonia stern and wild; which,
+however, turns out to be milder and tamer than depicted by the jaundiced
+hand of national jealousy.
+
+For, since my arrival at this hamlet of Kilpaitrick, N.B., I have not
+once beheld any species of savage hill-man; moreover, the adult
+inhabitants are clothed with irreproachable decency, and, if the
+juveniles run about with denuded feet and heads, where is the shocking
+scandal?
+
+Mr ALLBUTT-INNETT, sen., did me the honour to appear in person upon the
+Kilpaitrick platform, and welcome me with outspread arms to his
+temporary hearth and home, but I shall have the candour of confessing my
+disappointment with the size and appearance of the same. It appears that
+a "Manse" is not at all a palatial edifice, furnished with a plethora of
+marble halls and vassals and serfs, &c., but simply the very so-so and
+two-storied abode of some local priest!
+
+My gracious hostess was to tender profuse apologies for its homeliness,
+on the plea that it is refreshing at times to lay aside ceremonial
+magnificence and unbend in rural simplicity, though it is not humanly
+possible to unbend oneself upon the thorny bosoms of chairs and couches
+severely upholstered with the prickling hairs of an extinct horse.
+
+Still, as I assured Miss WEE-WEE, she is the happy owner of a magical
+knack to transform, by her sheer apparition, the humblest hovel into the
+first-class family residence with every modern improvement.
+
+With the said Miss I continue on terms of hand and gloveship, with
+mutual harmless jokes, which would perhaps be as caviare on toast to a
+general, though I shall venture to recount some examples.
+
+[Illustration: "OF INCREDIBLE BASHFULNESS AND BUCOLICAL APPEARANCE."]
+
+A certain local young laird, of incredible bashfulness and bucolical
+appearance, is a frequent visitor at the manse, and the fervent admirer
+of Miss WEE-WEE, who cannot endure the tedium of his society, and is
+constantly endeavouring to escape therefrom.
+
+Now his name is Mr CRUM, and I have frequently entertained her in
+private by play upon the word, alluding to him as "Mister CRUST,"
+"Mister OATCAKE," or "the Scotch Bun," and the like; but he informed me
+that he preferred to be addressed as "Balbannock," and upon my inquiring
+his reasons for selecting such an alias, he answered that it was because
+he inhabited a house of that name.
+
+Whereupon I facetiously requested that he would address myself in future
+as "Mister Seventy-nine, Hereford Road, Bayswater," which stroke of wit
+occasioned inextinguishable merriment from Miss WEE-WEE, though it did
+not excite from the aforesaid laird so much as the smallest simper!
+
+From an ingrained love of teasing, and also the natural desire to
+stimulate her appreciation of my superior fertility in small talk and
+_l'art de plaire_, I do often slyly contrive to inflict his sole society
+upon her--to the huge entertainment of her father and mother, who carry
+on the joke by assisting my manoeuvrings; but, although it affords me
+a flattering gratification to be plaintively upbraided by Miss WEE-WEE
+for my cruel desertion, I am resolved not to persist in such heartless
+pranks beyond her natural endurance.
+
+Shortly after my arrival I heard from my host that he was the recipient
+of an invitation from a Mister BAGSHOT, Q.C., that he and his son HOWARD
+would accompany him to a shooting expedition upon some adjacent moors,
+and that, being now immoderately plump, and past his prime as a potshot,
+he had requested leave to nominate myself as his _budli_ or substitute,
+explaining that I was a young Indian prince of great prowess at every
+kind of big games.
+
+Accordingly, to my great delight, it was arranged that I should take his
+place.
+
+My young friend HOWARD, beholding me appear at the breakfast-table
+arrayed in my short kilt and superincumbent belly-purse with tassels,
+did entreat me to change myself into ordinary knickerbockers, lest I
+should catch death with a cold.
+
+But I declined, disdaining such dangers, and assuring him that I did not
+at all dislike the excessive ventilation of my knees.
+
+We drove to Mr BAGSHOT'S residence, Rowans Castle, in a hired machine,
+and found the gentlemen-shooters gathered outside the portico. Amongst
+the party I was pleased to observe Hon'ble Justice CUMMERBUND, who, when
+we were all ascended into the waggonette-break, did rally me very
+good-humouredly upon some mixed bag of elephants and tigers he had heard
+(or so he said) I had accomplished in some up-country jungle.
+
+At first, knowing that this was the utter impossibility, I perspired
+with terror that he was making me the fool, but apparently he was
+himself under a misunderstanding, for when we had left the vehicle and
+were preparing to advance, he paid me the distinguished compliment of
+entreating that I might be awarded the command of one extremity of the
+line, while he himself was to preside over the opposite end!
+
+And thus we commenced to climb a steep hill, thickly covered with a very
+pricklesome heather, and black slimy bogs, wherein the varnish of my
+patent-leather shoes did soon become totally dimmed. So, being gravely
+incommoded by the shortness of my wind, I entrusted my musket to an
+under-keeper, begging him to inform me of the early approach of any stag
+or deer.
+
+However, we saw nothing to shoot at except various sorts of wild
+poultry, and when some of these flew up immediately in front of me, I
+was too late, owing to the carriage of my gun by an underling, to do
+more than fire off a couple of barrels as a declaration of hostility.
+
+But profiting by this lesson in being _semper paratus_, I refused to
+part again with my deadly instrument, and stumbled manfully onwards with
+finger upon the triggers, letting them fly instantaneously at the first
+appearance of any animals _feræ naturæ_.
+
+It is not customary, I was assured, to slay the wild sheep in these
+districts, though horned, and of an excessively ferocious appearance,
+and even when firing my bullets at birds, I was subjected to continual
+reproofs from some officious keeper or other.
+
+For example, I was not to shoot into a flock of partridges, for the
+superstitious reason, forsooth! that it was still the month of August,
+which is supposed to be unlucky!
+
+Again, I was rebuked for burning powder at a grey hen, because it is the
+wife of a black-cock, which may be shot with impunity. Although a highly
+chivalrous chap in questions of the fairer sex, I am yet to see why it
+is allowable to render the female bird a bereaved widow, but totally
+forbidden to make the male a widower! Or why it is permissible to slay a
+minute bird such as a snipe, while a titlark is on no account to be
+touched.
+
+Being eventually exasperated by these unreasonable faultfindings, seeing
+that I had merely emptied my gun-barrels without actually destroying any
+of these sacred volatiles, I addressed the keeper in the withering tones
+of a sarcasm: "Mister Keeper," I said, "as I am not the ornithologist or
+soothsayer to distinguish infallibly every species of bird by instinct
+when flying with incredible velocity, would it not be better that I
+should discharge no shots in future?"
+
+To which, abashed by my severity, he replied that he could not just say
+that it would make any considerable difference whether I fired at all or
+none.
+
+My fellow-shooters, however, could not refrain from shouting with
+irrepressible admiration at the intrepidity with which, forestalling the
+fleetest dogs, I did rush forward to pick up the fallen grouse-birds,
+and repeatedly exhorted me to take greater care for my own safety.
+
+I cannot say that they exhibited equivalent courageousness, seeing that,
+so often as I raised my gun to fire, they flung themselves upon their
+stomachs in the heather until I had finished, upon which I rallied them
+mercilessly upon their timidity, assuring them repeatedly that they had
+nothing to fear.
+
+Yet English and Scotch alike accuse us Bengalees of being subject to
+excessive funkiness. What about the Pot and the Kettle, Misters?
+
+I am to reserve the conclusion of my shooting experiences until a future
+occasion.
+
+
+
+
+XXV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his experiences on a
+    Scotch moor, greatly to his own glorification._
+
+
+Now to resume the rather arbitrarily truncated account of my gunnery on
+Scottish moors.
+
+Before luncheon I ventured to remonstrate earnestly with my entertainer,
+Mr BAGSHOT, Q.C., concerning the extreme severity with which he
+chastised a juvenile sporting hound of his for such trivial offences as
+running after some rabbit, or picking up slaughtered volatiles without
+receiving the _mot d'ordre_!
+
+"Listen, honourable Sir," I entreated him, "to the voice of Reason! It
+is the second nature of all such canines to pursue vermins, nor are they
+at all capable of comprehending the Why and Wherefore of a shocking
+flagellation. If it is your wish that this hound should play the part of
+a Tantalus, forbidden even to touch the _bonne-bouches_ with his
+watering mouth, surely it is possible to restrain him by a more humane
+method than Brute Force!"
+
+At this mild reproof Mister BAGSHOT became utterly rubescent, murmuring
+excuses which I did not catch; and I, perceiving that this object
+lesson of kindness to animals from an Oriental had strongly affected all
+the shooters, patted the hound on the forehead, consoling him with some
+chocolate I carried in my cartridge sack.
+
+We picnicked our lunch under a stone wall, and I, becoming an hilarious,
+rallied my companions unmercifully upon the solemnity with which they
+had marched in cautious silence, and with stern countenances as to
+attack some formidable foe--and all to slaughter sundry braces of
+inoffensive grouse-birds--truly an heroical sort of undertaking!
+
+To which Hon'ble CUMMERBUND replied, with his utterance impeded by cold
+pie, that I might congratulate myself on having kept my own hands
+unstained by any grouse's gore.
+
+"True, Mister Ex-Judge," I retorted, "but as you have already testified"
+(here I hoisted his own petard at him rather ingeniously), "I am more an
+_au fait_ in the extermination of elephants _et hoc genus omne_, and
+have hitherto reserved my powder and shot for a stag or some similar
+monarch of the glen. However, after lunch let us see whether I am not
+competent to kill, or at least maim, one of these same grouse-fowls,
+_faute de mieux_!"
+
+A repartee which excited uproarious laughter (at Hon'ble C.'s expense)
+from all the present company.
+
+Subsequently, we were posted in a row of small fortresses constructed of
+turfs, to await what is termed a "Drive," _i.e._, until some flock of
+grouse-birds, exasperated to fury by the cries and blows of certain
+individuals called "beaters," should attack our positions.
+
+Hearing that the grouses on this moor were of an excessive wildness, I
+was at first apprehensive that one might fly at my nose or eyes while I
+was busied in defending myself against its fellows, but the keeper who
+was with me assured me that such was seldom their custom.
+
+And, indeed, such as came in my direction flew with wings so accelerated
+by panic that they were invisible before I could even select one as my
+target, so I was reduced to fire with considerable random. Presently the
+beaters approached, carrying flags of truce, and we sallied out of our
+forts to pick up the slain and wounded. After diligent search, I had the
+happiness to discover a grouse-bird, stone dead, in the heather, and,
+capering with triumph, called to the keeper to come and see the spoil.
+
+On his arrival, however, he said that he could not just think it would
+be my bird, as he had not noticed any fall in that direction. But after
+I had presented him with a piece of silver, he did agree that if I chose
+to claim the bird as mine, it was not his place to contradict me, and so
+in great glee I exhibited my prize to the others, appealing to the
+keeper (who basely remained _sotto voce_) for confirmation.
+
+"A devilish clean shot, Prince!" Sir CUMMERBUND graciously remarked;
+"why, the bird is stiff and cold already!"
+
+Whereupon I was cordially congratulated, and awarded the tail feathers
+to decorate my "tommy-shanty," and during the next driving, having now
+acquired the knack, I rendered several more denizens of the air the
+_hors de combats_, though--either on account of their great ingenuity in
+running out of the radius, or creeping into holes, etc., or else the
+stupidity of the retrieving dogs--their corpses remained irrecoverable.
+
+On taking my leave, I expressed unbounded satisfaction with such sport
+as I had had, and my fixed intention to assist on some similar
+shooting-expedition, and Mr BAGSHOT kindly promised to let me know if he
+should again have vacancy for an additional gun.
+
+I regret to say that young HOWARD, who, having only laid low a couple of
+black cocks and a blue hare, was immoderately jealous of my superior
+skilfulness, did seek to depreciate it by insinuating that my grouse was
+one which, having been seriously wounded by other hands some days
+previously, had come up to the hills to shuffle off its mortal coil in
+seclusion, arguing thus from its total absence of heat and
+suppleness.
+
+This is the merest quibble, and to travel out of the record, since, of
+course, if a bird is at all of a venerable age, it becomes stiff and
+deficient in vital warmth long before it is popped off! Moreover, if the
+grouse were not legitimately my property, why, forsooth, should I be
+permitted to carry it home?
+
+[Illustration: "I PRESENTED MY TROPHY AND TREASURE-TROVE TO THE
+FAIRYLIKE MISS WEE-WEE."]
+
+I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss WEE-WEE,
+who was so overwhelmed by the compliment that she entreated for it to be
+cooked and eaten _instanter_.
+
+As soon as I have recovered a missing link of my fishing-rod (which it
+seems has been overlooked by Mister Pawnbroker), and when I have
+procured some suitable bait, &c., it is my intention to catch a fine
+salmon out of the burn for my enchanting divinity, and, as I place the
+fish in her lily-like hands, to strike iron while it is hot and make her
+the formal proposal of matrimony.
+
+Mister CRUM, hearing of my piscatorial ambitions, has, with almost
+incredible simplicity, offered to lend me his salmon rod, with a volume
+of flies, little suspecting that he will be assisting me to catch two
+fish upon one hook! I am immensely tickled by such a tip-top joke, and
+can scarcely refrain from imparting it to Miss WEE-WEE herself, though I
+shall wait until I have first secured the salmon.
+
+I had some valuable remarks upon Scottish idioms and linguistic
+peculiarities, &c., but these, of course, are to be suppressed _sine
+die_--unless I am to be permitted to overflow into a special
+supplement.
+
+
+
+
+XXVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. How he
+    secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it
+    to his divinity._
+
+
+Owing mainly to lack of opportunity, invitations, _et cætera_, I have
+not resumed the offensive against members of the grouse department, but
+have rather occupied myself in laborious study of Caledonian dialects,
+as exemplified in sundry local works of poetical and prose fiction,
+until I should be competent to converse with the _aborigines_ in their
+own tongue.
+
+[Illustration: "WHETHER HE HAD WHA-HAED WI' HON'BLE WALLACE?"]
+
+Then (having now the diction of Poet BURNS in my fingers' ends) I did
+genially accost the first native I met in the street of Kilpaitrick,
+complimenting him upon his honest, sonsie face, and enquiring whether he
+had wha-haed wi' Hon'ble WALLACE, and was to bruise the Peckomaut, or
+ca' the knowes to the yowes. But, from the intemperance of his reply, I
+divined that he was totally without comprehension of my meaning!
+
+Next I addressed him by turns in the phraseologies of Misters BLACK,
+BARRIE, and CROCKETT, Esquires, interlarding my speech with
+"whatefers," and "hechs," and "ou-ays," and "dod-mons," and "loshes,"
+and "tods," _ad libitum_, to which after listening with the most earnest
+attention, he returned the answer that he was not acquainted with any
+Oriental language.
+
+Nor could I by any argument convince this beetle-head that I was simply
+speaking the barbarous accents of his native land!
+
+Since which, after some similar experiments upon various peasants, &c.,
+I have made a rather peculiar discovery.
+
+There is no longer any such article as a separate Scottish language,
+and, indeed, I am in some dubitation whether it ever existed at all, and
+is not rather the waggish invention of certain audacious Scottishers,
+who have taken advantage of the insular ignorance and credulity of the
+British public to palm off upon it several highly fictitious kinds of
+unintelligible gibberish!
+
+Nay, I will even go farther and express a grave suspicion whether the
+Scotland of these bookish romances is not the daring imposture of a _ben
+trovato_. For, after a prolonged residence of over a fortnight, I have
+never seen anything approaching a mountain pass, nor a dizzy crag,
+surmounted by an eagle, nor any stag drinking itself full at eve among
+the shady trunks of a deer-forest! I have never met a single mountaineer
+in feminine bonnet and plumes and short petticoats, and pipes inserted
+in a bag. Nor do the inhabitants dance in the street upon crossed
+sword-blades--this is purely a London practice. Nor have I seen any
+Caledonian snuffing his nostrils with tobacco from the discarded horn of
+some ram.
+
+Finding that my short kilt is no longer the mould of national form, I
+have now altogether abandoned it, while retaining the fox-tailed
+belly-purse on account of its convenience and handsome appearance.
+
+Now let me proceed to narrate how I became the captor of a large-sized
+salmon.
+
+Having accepted the loan of Mister CRUM'S fishing-wand, and attached to
+my line certain large flies, composed of black hairs, red worsted, and
+gilded thread, which it seems the salmons prefer even to worms, I
+sallied forth along the riparian bank of a river, and proceeded to whip
+the stream with the severity of Emperor XERXES when engaged in
+flagellating the ocean.
+
+But waesucks! (to employ the perhaps spurious verbiage of aforesaid Poet
+BURNS) my line, owing to superabundant longitude, did promptly become a
+labyrinth of Gordian knots, and the flies (which are named _Zulus_)
+attached their barbs to my cap and adjacent bushes with well-nigh
+inextricable tenacity, until at length I had the bright idea to
+abbreviate the line, so that I could dangle my bait a foot or two above
+the surface of the water--where a salmon could easily obtain it by
+simply turning a somersault.
+
+However, after sitting patiently for an hour, as if on a monument, I
+could not succeed in catching the eye of any passing fish, and so,
+severely disheartened by my ill-luck, I was strolling on, shouldering my
+rod, when--odzooks! whom should I encounter but Mister BAGSHOT and a
+party of friends, who were watching his keepers capture salmons from a
+boat by means of a large net, a far more practical and effectual method
+than the cumbersome and unreliable device of a meretricious fly with a
+very visible hook!
+
+And, just as I approached, the net was drawn towards the bank, and
+proved to contain three very large lively fishes lashing their tails
+with ungovernable fury at such detention!
+
+Whereupon I made the humble petition to Mister BAGSHOT that, since he
+was now the favourite of Fortune, he was to remember him to whom she had
+denied her simpers, and bestow upon me the most mediocre of the salmons,
+since I was desirous to make a polite offering to the amiable daughter
+of my host and hostess.
+
+And with munificent generosity he presented me with the largest of the
+trio, which, with great jubilation, I endeavoured to carry off under my
+arm, though severely baffled by the extreme slipperiness with which
+(even after its decease) it repeatedly wallowed in dust, until someone,
+perceiving my fix, good-naturedly instructed me how to carry it by
+perforating its head with a piece of string.
+
+I found Miss WEE-WEE in a secluded garden seat at the back of the Manse,
+incommoded, as usual, by the society of Mister CRUM. "Sir," I said,
+addressing him politely (for I was extremely anxious for his departure,
+since I could not well present my salmon to Miss WEE-WEE and request the
+_quid-pro-quo_ of her affection in his presence), "accept my gratitude
+for the usufruct of your rod, which has produced magnificent fruit. You
+will find the instrument leaning against the palings of the front
+garden." And with this I made secret signals to Miss WEE-WEE that she
+was to dismiss him; but she remained bashful, and he seemed totally
+unaware that he was the drug of the market!
+
+At last, weary of concealing my captured salmon any longer behind the
+small of my back, I was about to inform Mister CRUM that he had Miss
+LOUISA'S permission to absent himself, when she broke the silence by
+informing me that, as the old familiar friend of both parties, I was to
+be the first to hear a piece of news--to wit, that DONALD (Mister C.'s
+baptismal appellation) and she were just become the engaged couple!
+
+I was so overcome by grief and indignation at her perfidious duplicity
+(since she had frequently encouraged me in my mockeries of her admirer's
+uncouthness and rusticity), that I stuck in the throat, and then flung
+the salmon violently across a boundary hedge into a yard of poultry.
+
+"Madam," I said, "that fish was to have been laid at your feet as the
+visible pledge of my devotion. You have not only lost the gift of a
+splendid salmon, but have thrown away the heart of a well-educated
+native B.A. and Member of the Bar! And you have gained--hoity toity!
+What? Why, a Scotch Bun!"
+
+But almost immediately I was taken by violent remorse for my
+presumption, and shed the tears of contrition, entreating
+forgiveness--nay, more, I scrambled through a hole in a very thorny
+hedge, and, recovering the salmon (which had not had time to become very
+severely henpecked), I begged them to accept it between them as a token
+of my esteem and good wishes, which they joyfully consented to do. I had
+expected that my worthy host and hostess would have shared my astounded
+disappointment on hearing of their daughter's engagement; but, on the
+contrary, they received the news with smiling complacency.
+
+It appears that Mister CRUM, though endowed with a somewhat sheepish and
+bucolical exterior, is of tip-top Scottish caste and lineage, and the
+landed proprietor.
+
+I am not to deny the attractiveness of such qualities, though I had
+hitherto been under the Fool's Paradise of an impression that they would
+have infinitely preferred this humble self as a son-in-law.
+
+However, I am now emerging from my doleful dumps, with the reflection
+that, after all, it is contrary to common-sense to drain the cup of
+misery to the dregs for so totally inadequate a cause as the ficklety of
+any feminine!
+
+
+
+
+XXVII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, thereby
+    affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal
+    assistance. An apparent attempt to pack the Jury._
+
+
+The Public will be astounded at the news (which came with the perfect
+novelty of a surprise upon this insignificant self) that I have ceased
+to be the cherished guest beneath the hired Scottish roof of Mister
+LEOFRIC ALLBUTT-INNETT and his bucksome lady.
+
+It fell out after this fashion.
+
+One fine September morning, when I was accoutring myself in order to go
+out and hunt the robert (N.B. a genuine local Scotticism for individuals
+belonging to the rabbit genius), there came to me my young friend
+HOWARD, who was to teach my young idea how to shoot, in great gloom,
+asking me if it would take me a prolonged period to pack up my
+_impedimenta_.
+
+I replied that I could do the trick instantaneously, inquiring the
+reason for his question.
+
+"Because," said he, "if I were you, I should have a wire requiring me to
+come up to London at once."
+
+"From my solicitor?" I inquired. "Is he then desirous of consulting with
+me?"
+
+My friend answered me that it was the one object of his present
+existence.
+
+"In that case," said I, rather spiritedly, "let him come up here, since
+I am not a mountain that I should obey the becking call of any Mahomet.
+Moreover, I am impatient to achieve the destruction of some Scottish
+roberts."
+
+"If you will take my advice," he said, "you will grant them a reprieve,
+and make a scarcity of yourself. There is a train for Glasgow which you
+can just catch. I wouldn't distress the Mater and Governor by any
+farewells, you know."
+
+"But," I objected, "I am not even in receipt of any telegram. Nor can I
+possibly omit the etiquette of a ceremonious leave-taking with your
+honourable parents."
+
+"Just as you please," replied he. "Just now the Governor and Mater are
+in the front sitting-room, engaged in perusing the back numbers of your
+precious 'Jossers and Tidlers' or whatever you call 'em, which have been
+thoughtfully forwarded by a relative. I don't think I'd disturb them."
+
+"Are they so hugely interested in the performances of my unassuming
+_penna_?" I cried, with the gratified simpering of a flattered.
+
+"It looked like it when I left the room," said he; "the Mater was very
+near rolling on the oilcloth, and the Governor dancing and foaming from
+his mouth. What an awfully old ass you have been, JAB, to go and blurt
+out everything in print--about your breach of promise case, and getting
+to know us, and--worst of all--being merely a bogey prince. Naturally,
+we don't care about being made to look fools. The dear old Mater, you
+know, is one of those simple, trusting natures that, if they once
+discover they have been taken in by a sham title, why, they kick up the
+row of a deuce! And, as for the Governor, he's the sort of old retiring
+chap that has a downright loathing of publicity, when it makes him
+ridiculous. If he came across you just now, there's really no saying
+what he mightn't do. He's such a devilishly hot-tempered old boy!"
+
+I did not comprehend the reasons for such exuberant anger, but, of
+course, young HOWARD insisted so urgently on physical dangers to myself
+if I delayed, that I hastened stealthily to my room by a backstair, and
+flinging my _paraphernalia_ with incredible despatch into a portmanteau,
+was so fortunate as to convey it out of the house without attracting the
+invidious attention of my host and hostess, who were probably still
+occupied in foaming and rolling upon the carpet like angry waves of the
+sea.
+
+Young HOWARD accompanied me to the station, though blaming me as the
+cause of his embroilment with his progenitors, who, it seems, had
+insisted--quite unjustly--that he must have known from the first that my
+nobility was merely a brevet rank; and Miss WEE-WEE bade me farewell
+with a soft and perfectly ladylike cordiality, being too grieved by my
+departure to make any allusion to the head and front of my offending.
+
+Now I am once more in London, paying daily visits of several hours to
+the office of my solicitor, in order to assist him in the preparation of
+my brief.
+
+[Illustration: BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM.]
+
+The other day, Baboo JALPANYBHOY and Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM attended for
+the purpose of arranging their evidence, when I regret to say the former
+made a rather paltry exhibition of himself, being declared by Mr SMARTLE
+himself to be totally incompetent to prove anything whatever material to
+the case, and I am therefore resolved to refuse him admission to the
+witness-box.
+
+I am more hopeful of Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, who, I think, after diligent
+coaching from myself, may be induced to restrain his natural garrulity,
+and speak no more than is set down for him, which is simply that I have
+already, in his presence, contracted matrimony with a juvenile native,
+and that the laws of my country entitle me to marry several more.
+
+This is in support of one of my most subtle pleadings of defence, to
+wit, that I have already offered to marry the plaintiff according to my
+country's laws, but that she did definitely decline such a marriage as
+polygamous (which it is indubitably liable to become at any moment),
+consequently, that my said contract is nilled by mutual consent.
+
+Mr SMARTLE was of the opinion that the plaintiff's solicitors would move
+to strike out such a pleading as bad in law, since it is no defence to
+an action for breach of promise that the defendant is already the
+Benedick. Fortunately they have omitted to do this, and I anticipate
+exciting excessive admiration in Court by the ingenuity of my arguments
+from Analogy, Common Sense, Roman Law, &c.
+
+My said solicitor has also communicated with Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND
+CUMMERBUND, to inquire if he would consent to appear as a witness to my
+dependent filial condition, and entire lack of the sinews of war; which,
+with fatherly kindness, he has agreed to do, and, as he rather
+humorously puts it, convince the jury that I am the good riddance of bad
+rubbish.
+
+Now the decks are cleaned for action, and all is ready for the forensic
+logomachy as soon as it may please Providence and some associate in the
+Queen's Bench Division to place the suit of _Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee_ in
+the list of causes for the day.
+
+My solicitor's advice, which I shall very probably adopt, is to keep as
+close as possible to the issues, and more especially to the point that,
+if I gave any promise to marry at all, it was extorted from me by
+threats of bodily violence which reduced me to a blue funkiness.
+
+Also he recommends that I am not to attempt any golden-mouthed
+eloquence, thereby making the lamentable exhibit of a most stupendous
+ignorance of human nature!
+
+For what can melt the stony hearts of men, causing them to bellow like
+an ox and become tender as chickens, or what can rouse them to
+Indignation, Approval, Contempt, Wonderment, and every other known
+sentiment as required, so effectively as the trumpeting tongue of
+oratorical eloquence!
+
+All I can aver is that, if I am not to be permitted to draw the
+glittering sword of my tongue from the scabbard of my mouth, I shall
+infallibly, in sheer sickishness at such short-sighted folly, throw up
+my brief!
+
+I must not omit to say that if any of my fellow-colleagues on this
+periodical (of course including Hon'ble Editor) should be anxious to
+become eye-witnesses of my forensic _début_, I shall be overjoyed to
+procure their admission and will instruct the Usher that they are to be
+awarded the seats of honour. Perhaps it might even be feasible for two
+or three of them to obtain appointments as jurymen.
+
+If so, let them not turn the deaf ear to the gentle wheezings of their
+_esprit de corps_, but remember that it is not the custom for one eagle
+to peck another in his optics.
+
+
+
+
+XXVIII
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee in Court during the
+    proceedings._
+
+
+    _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 10.20 A.M.
+
+The eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length
+arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such
+tittles as take place. I have taken my seat in Court on one of the
+benches reserved for long-robed juniors; in my immediate rear being my
+solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer
+and Friend in Need.
+
+[Illustration: "FRESH AS A DAISY, AND FINE AS A CARROT FRESH SCRAPED."]
+
+In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss JESSIMINA
+and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared to greet them with
+effusive kindness, and assure them I was only a hostile in my
+professional capacity. Whether they were struck with awe by the
+unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &c., in
+which I am fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped, or
+whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguisement of such
+toggeries, I am not to decide--but they passed by without responding
+visibly to my salutations.
+
+10.25.--A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just
+entered the row in front. Mister SMARTLE whispers to me that this is
+WITHERINGTON, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition.
+
+I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce
+myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice,
+acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and
+was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritorious Native
+Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him
+not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his petitioner.
+
+However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor
+can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neighbour, to show me
+any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my
+treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any
+further overtures to such stuck-up individuals.
+
+10.30.--Hon'ble Mister Justice HONEYGALL enters in highly dignified
+fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which
+uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and
+smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my
+achieving the conquest of my spurs.
+
+The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-contributors to
+_Punch_ are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe
+to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surreptitious simper. But
+this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence.
+
+The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and
+barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being
+evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely
+gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabulary. A poor tongue-tied
+devil of a chap whom I regard with pity!
+
+WITHERINGTON, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but
+he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not
+shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted British advocacy.
+
+Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies
+he lavishes upon JESSIMINA that he is already the tangled fly in the web
+of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent
+barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through such a millstone as
+the female heart!
+
+He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions
+to my undeserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer
+without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation! However, though he
+makes bitter complaints of my interruptions, he does me the honour to
+refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified
+fervour, assuring him that I reciprocate his esteem.
+
+Hon'ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that,
+unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will
+infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my
+interests by disregarding the customary etiquettes of the Bar.
+
+11.5.--JESSIMINA is giving her testimony. Indubitably she has greatly
+improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of
+Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if
+not more so) than Miss WEE-WEE'S own! Alack! that she should relate her
+story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude
+and well-assumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for,
+after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various
+unimportant details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait
+until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe
+measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of
+judicial impartiality!
+
+1.30 P.M.--The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather
+severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being
+oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the
+result--which, owing to the partisanship of Hon'ble Bench, the
+disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss
+JESSIMINA'S ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my
+searching interrogatories, did not attain to the sanguine level of my
+expectations.
+
+For instance, when I asked her whether it was not the fact that I was
+notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the
+unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently
+described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and
+shooting man-eating tigers.
+
+Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I
+had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to
+compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain
+fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (interrupting in the most
+unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I
+seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry, he was unable
+to perceive the bearings of my query.
+
+Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of
+Poet SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace, and required her--on her oath--to answer
+whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and
+whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to
+bestow the _disjecta membra_ upon herself instead.
+
+To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew
+was that I had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had
+been expressly purchased for herself as a souvenir of my ardent
+affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it
+with some patent cement.
+
+Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to
+know what was passing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and
+informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless
+she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with
+applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I
+was entitled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was
+on no account to be permitted.
+
+Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious
+disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the
+gentlemen-boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with
+her upon such conduct. Here WITHERINGTON, Q.C., bounded on to his feet,
+and protested that I was not entitled to put this question now, since I
+had not dared to allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached
+my promise owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of
+submitting to such objection, JESSIMINA answered in mellifluous accents
+that she had never manifested more than ordinary civility towards any
+gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed passionate jealousy of them
+all prior to my engagement--though never since, because she had never
+afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances.
+
+Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with
+tender commiseration; for her maidenly distress did only increase her
+charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself,
+observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do
+me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the
+Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations!
+
+Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on
+the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and
+whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr
+CHUCKERBUTTY RAM for corroboration of my story, and that he had informed
+her that my said wife was a _post mortem_.
+
+Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr RAM said was not
+evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon'ble Judge partly
+upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation
+was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation,
+thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story.
+
+Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of
+WITHERINGTON, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he
+admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff.
+
+My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to reduce the
+damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the
+first to brief WITHERINGTON. But this is to croak like a raven, for the
+cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the
+Gift of the Gab--in which I am notoriously _nulli secundus_.
+
+2.15 P.M.--The Court has returned. WITHERINGTON'S Junior has called
+JESSIMINA'S mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather
+painful duty to cross-examine sharply.
+
+Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. _Sursum
+corda!_ I must buck it up.
+
+
+
+
+XXIX
+
+_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Mr
+    Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._
+
+
+    _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2.40 P.M.
+
+I have just resumed my seat after a rather searching examination of
+Madam MANKLETOW, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly
+taken by my solicitor:--
+
+      MY SOLICITOR'S SAID NOTES.
+
+Mrs MARTHA MANKLETOW (_formidable old party--all bugles and bombazine_).
+Would certainly describe her establishment as 'select'; all of her male
+boarders perfect gentlemen--except defendant. Was never anxious to
+secure him for her daughter--on the contrary, would have much preferred
+her son-in-law white. Gave her consent because of the passionate
+attachment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of
+princely rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her
+daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with
+personal chastisement from other boarders if he denied any engagement.
+Did say that if he meant nothing serious after all the marked
+attentions he had paid the plaintiff, he deserved to be cut dead by all
+the gentlemen in the house. Insisted on the engagement being made public
+at once; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether
+defendant was married already, or how many wives he was entitled to in
+his own country--he had taken good care not to say anything about all
+that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never
+had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his
+heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get
+over the slight of being jilted by a black man....
+
+Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation
+and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly educated
+Indian University man and qualified native barrister.
+
+3.15.--More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss SPINK and sundry select
+boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my
+engagement. Seeing that they were predetermined not to answer favourably
+to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister WITHERINGTON'S book, and said
+that I had no questions to ask.... The plaintiff's junior has just sat
+down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the
+tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity.
+
+The annexed report, though sadly meagre and doing very scanty justice to
+the occasion, is furnished by my friend young HOWARD, who was present in
+Court at the time....
+
+_Jab._ (_in a kind of sing-song_). May it please your venerable lordship
+and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar
+predicament of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known
+character in the dramatic works of your immortal _littérateur_ Poet
+SHAKSPEARE. I allude to OTHELLO on the occasion of his pleading before
+the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a
+speech which I shall commence by quoting in full----
+
+[Illustration: MR JUSTICE HONEYGALL.]
+
+_Mr Justice Honeygall._ One moment, Mr JABBERJEE, I am always reluctant
+to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury
+if I remind you that the illustration you propose to give us is hardly
+as happy as it might be. The head and front of OTHELLO'S offending,
+unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of his
+affections, whereas in _your_ case----
+
+_Jab._ (_plaintively_). Your lordship, it is not humanly possible that I
+can exhibit even ordinary eloquence if I am to be interrupted by
+far-fetched and frivolous objections. The story of OTHELLO----
+
+_Mr Justice H._ What the jury want to hear is not OTHELLO'S story, but
+yours, Sir, and your proper course is to go into the witness-box at
+once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly
+as you can. When you have given your own evidence and called any
+witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of
+addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you
+apparently place so much reliance.
+
+      [_Here poor old ~JAB~ bundles off to the witness-box, and
+      takes some outlandish oath or other with immense gusto,
+      after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling
+      rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him
+      up, which he does about every other minute. This is the sort
+      of thing that goes on:--_
+
+_Jab._ At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous and no
+Leviathan of valour----
+
+_The Judge._ Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I've not got
+down half what you said before that. (_Reads laboriously from his
+notes._) "In panicstricken apprehension of being severely assaulted _à
+posteriori_." Who do you say threatened to assault you in that
+manner--the plaintiff's mother?
+
+_Jab._ I have already had the honour to inform your lordship that I was
+utterly intimidated by the savage threats of the plaintiff's mother
+that, unless I consented to become the betrothed, she would summon
+certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected
+person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan----
+
+_The Judge._ No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that
+description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (_Reads as he
+writes._) "I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff's mother that
+she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I
+consented to become engaged to plaintiff." Is _that_ what you say?
+
+_Jab._ (_beaming_). Your lordship's acute intellect has comprehended my
+_pons asinorum_ with great intelligence.
+
+_The Judge_ (_looking at him under his spectacles_). Umph! Well, go on.
+What next?
+
+      [_So old ~JAB~ goes on gassing away, at such a deuce of a rate
+      that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits
+      staring at ~JAB~ in resigned disgust._ (_It was spell-bound
+      attentiveness._--H. B. J.) _~JAB~ WILL spout and WON'T keep to
+      the point; but, all the same, I fancy, somehow, he's getting
+      round the Jury. He's such a jolly innocent kind of old ass,
+      and they like him because he's no end of sport. The
+      plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence
+      uncommonly well; but, unless ~WITHERINGTON~ turns up again, I
+      believe old ~JAB~ will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't
+      taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course
+      he managed to get in a speech._
+
+_Jab._ Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced
+attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is
+incredible that any English female, of genteel upbringings and the
+lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box,
+it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a
+mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly
+to endure a domestic existence exposed to the slings and arrows of a
+perpetual gorilla warfare from various native aunts and sisters-in-law,
+or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach, after the
+luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple,
+unostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of
+the jury, as warm-hearted noble-minded English gentlemen, you will never
+condemn an unfortunate and industrious native graduate and barrister to
+make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families
+with such a bone of contention as a European better half, who will
+infallibly plunge him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars!
+I shall now vacate the witness-box in favour of my intimate friend and
+fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, who will tell
+you----
+
+_The Judge_ (_rising_). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir
+CHETWYND here, Mr JABBERJEE, there is a little formality you appear to
+have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel will probably wish before you
+leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross-examination, and
+that must stand over till to-morrow. (_At this, old Jab's jaw falls
+several holes._)
+
+NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--_Hereford Road, Bayswater._--I am excessively
+gratified by the result of my first day's trial, being already
+the established favourite and chartered libertine of the whole
+Court, who split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am
+no longer immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly
+examined--especially since WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has abandoned his brief
+in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is incompetent to exclaim Bo! to
+a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be
+interrogated by a mere underling.
+
+The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter indifference of
+JESSIMINA to my aforesaid triumphs. At the termination of the hearing
+to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse
+with the smartly-attired curly-headed young solicitor who is acting on
+her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity!
+
+Alackaday! _varium et mutabile semper foemina!_
+
+
+
+
+XXX
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard.) Mr Jabberjee finds
+    cross-examination much less formidable than he had anticipated._
+
+
+It is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a
+transcendental success that already the Court is tight as a drum, while
+a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors!
+
+I was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not
+responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert my utmost
+influence with the Hon'ble Judge that they were all to be admitted.
+
+But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the
+entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was not to be the
+bally-fool.
+
+In the trough I perceive JESSIMINA seated, in a hat even more
+resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a
+little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plaintiff of such
+a stylish and elegant appearance.
+
+[Illustration: WITHERINGTON, Q.C.]
+
+10.25 A.M.--After all, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has paid me the marked
+compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross-examination. At
+which SMARTLE, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of
+turning my inside out in no time unless I am preciously careful. But,
+knowing that such inhuman barbarities are not feasible in civilised
+regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance....
+
+_Later._--I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole)
+with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment,
+WITHERINGTON, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and
+sympathetic interest in my career, &c., which rendered me completely at
+my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial
+severity, I soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea-pot,
+and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies.
+And for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a
+kind and facetious familiarity.
+
+I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with
+instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable
+doltishness he has done the exact converse, and transcribed merely the
+utterances of Mister WITHERINGTON! However, as I do not accurately
+recall my responses, I am to insert the report here _pro tanto_,
+trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines.
+
+      HERE FOLLOWS THE REPORT.
+
+_Mr Witherington, Q.C._ Well, Mr JABBERJEE, so it seems that it is all a
+mistake about your being a Prince, eh?... And, however such an idea may
+have originated, _you_ never represented yourself as a Rajah, or
+anything of the kind?... I was sure you would say so. You have such a
+high regard for truth, and such a deep sense of the obligation of an
+oath, that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time--may
+I take that for granted?... Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr
+JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, from a
+certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on,
+that you must be of high rank in your own country?... But, though you
+don't set up to be a Prince, you are, I believe, a recent acquisition to
+the honourable profession of which we are both members?... And also a
+journalist of some distinction, are you not?... Indeed? I congratulate
+you--a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the proprietors have
+shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a
+pecuniary sense?... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr JABBERJEE!
+Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their
+pen while they are waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ask if you
+intend to practise in this country?... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then I
+suppose you can count upon influence out there?... Your father a
+_Mooktear_, is he? I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly.... A
+solicitor? _Now_ I understand. So he will give you cases--in which I am
+sure you will distinguish yourself. But you'll have to work hard, won't
+you?... I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh?...
+That's a drawback, isn't it? You're passionately devoted to
+tiger-shooting, aren't you? Unless I'm mistaken, you first won the
+plaintiff's admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your
+"moving accidents by flood and field"--another parallel between you and
+OTHELLO, eh? Well, tell me, I'm no sportsman myself--but it's rather a
+thrilling moment, isn't it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your
+elephant, and get inside the--what do you call it--howlah?--oh,
+_howdah_, to be sure; thank you, very much.... So I should have
+imagined. Still, I suppose, when you're used to it, even that wouldn't
+shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your
+tiger at close quarters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just
+so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now--isn't a boar
+rather an awkward customer to tackle?... "You never found him so"? But
+suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse?... Ah,
+you're a mighty hunter, Mr JABBERJEE, I perceive! Ever shoot any
+elephants?... _No_ elephants? That's a pleasure to come, then. Now,
+about your relations with the plaintiff prior to your engagement--you
+were a good deal in her company, weren't you?... Well, you constantly
+escorted her to various places of amusement, come?... Yes, yes; I am
+quite aware a _chaperon_ was always present. We are both agreed that my
+client has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety--but you
+liked being in her society, didn't you?... Exactly so, and, at that time
+at all events, you admired her extremely?... "Merely as a friend," eh?
+no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came
+to engage yourself.... You were afraid your landlady would summon a
+boarder and ask him to give you a kicking?... And the prospect of being
+kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise
+anything--is _that_ your story?... But you are a man of iron nerve, you
+know, you've just been giving us a description of your performances in
+the jungle. How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the
+attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you turn a hair?...
+But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn't it?... Then
+do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you
+never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why
+didn't you say so at once, Sir.... Do you consider a misrepresentation
+of that kind a mere trifle?... In spite of the fact that you have
+solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
+the truth?... Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just
+look at this letter of yours. (Your lordship has a copy of the
+correspondence.... Yes, it is all admitted, my lord.) I'll read it to
+you. (_Reads it._) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually
+consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer
+to your family upon your marriage with the plaintiff? Be careful what
+you say.... And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance?...
+Then was there a word of truth in all that?... I thought as much. Let me
+read you another letter. (_He reads._) Here, you see, you make quite
+another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer the
+plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or "_sateen_," as you call it.
+Have you ever contracted an infant marriage in India?... Oh, that _is_
+true, is it? But why, when you were paying these attentions to the
+plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a
+married man?... "You don't know?" May it not have been because you were
+a widower? Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this
+letter?... Then why did you write of her as if she were alive?... I
+quite believe _that_--but why were you so anxious to break it off just
+then?... Well, when you were cross-examining the plaintiff you asked her
+about a certain china ornament you had given her, which seems to have
+been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her
+name here--but you made her acquaintance some time after your
+engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you
+have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers,
+weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch
+gentleman at the present moment--I'm putting it to you that, at the time
+you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed
+the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the
+honour of being the second Mrs JABBERJEE.... I am not suggesting that
+you could help it--but wasn't it so?... Very well--that is all I have to
+ask you Mr JABBERJEE. You can go....
+
+I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters
+did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I
+have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not
+worth a candle to call any further witnesses--especially as Hon'ble
+CUMMERBUND has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for
+Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such
+violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court.
+
+So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly
+secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as
+Cock of the Roost.
+
+Only I regret that JESSIMINA'S visage is now completely invisible to me,
+being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry
+on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional
+adviser--which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and
+Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL!
+
+
+
+
+XXXI
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to
+    a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C.,
+    addresses the Jury in reply._
+
+
+My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the
+literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble
+idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.--H. B. J.
+
+      VERBATIM REPORT (_unofficial_).
+
+_Baboo Jab._ May it please your mighty honour and great notorious
+gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to
+behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the _locus
+standi_ of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as
+a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking
+visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your
+unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine
+wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the _ad captandum_ charms of feminine
+cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely
+dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered
+and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, he would infallibly
+have testified--
+
+_The Judge._ As you did not think proper--no doubt for excellent
+reasons--to put Sir CHETWYND in the box when you could have done so, Mr
+JABBERJEE, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now
+upon the evidence he might or might not have given.
+
+_Baboo J._ I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's
+argument. The fact is, that the said Sir CUMMERBUND, on hearing my
+answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my
+friend WITHERINGTON'S cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I
+had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be
+excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in
+this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me
+to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact
+that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by
+haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For
+how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked
+and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate
+for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did
+remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks--until I
+encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the
+Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I
+left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on
+very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent
+young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and
+solicitude between two stools! (_Roars of laughter._) Misters, like the
+frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:--"for
+you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious
+affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that
+she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I
+made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a
+superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug
+for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my
+unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears
+to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in
+flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor!
+(_Sensation._)
+
+_Witherington, Q.C._ (_rising_). My lord, I really must protest. There
+is absolutely _no_ justification for the defendant's outrageous
+insinuation. I am informed by Miss MANKLETOW that she simply asked the
+gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!
+
+_The Judge._ I fail to see, Mr JABBERJEE, what advantage you can hope
+to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my
+immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the
+trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.
+
+_Bab. J._ I am highly satisfied by your lordship's _obiter dictum_. Not
+being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was
+misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before
+again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of
+plaintiff's _bona fides_ in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse.
+Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal
+of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and
+business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws
+of country or _vice versâ_, to take to myself a single additional native
+wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without
+prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a
+rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of
+such a gifted horse as myself. (_Great laughter, and some sensation in
+Court as ~JABBERJEE~ sits down._)
+
+_Witherington, Q.C._ Your lordship will see that this--ah--rather
+unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the
+plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (_The Judge nods:
+breathless excitement in Court while the plaintiff's solicitor carries
+on an animated conversation with ~Mr W.~ in undertones._)
+
+_Witherington_ (_rising once more_). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my
+duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which
+the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is
+the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the
+circumstances. (_~JAB.~ beams._) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone
+the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be
+called upon to endure (_"Hear, hear!" from ~JAB.~_), and out of that
+ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed.
+
+I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy
+sentiments of rancour or revenge. (_~JAB.~ beams more effulgently
+still._)
+
+_But_, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman
+may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which
+she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impassable
+barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them!
+(_~JAB.'S~ smile becomes a trifle less assured._)
+
+[Illustration: "JABBERJEE'S FACE GRADUALLY LENGTHENS."]
+
+After the disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to
+evade his obligations; his disingenuous defences; his insulting
+innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in
+that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has
+painted of the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, I ask
+you, gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceivable
+that the plaintiff can retain any respect or affection for him, or have
+sufficient courage and confidence to entrust her happiness to such
+hands? (_~JAB.'S~ face gradually lengthens._)
+
+Once, it is true, under the glamour of her own girlish illusions, she
+was ready to expatriate herself, to endure an alien existence, and
+strange manners and customs for his beloved sake; but now, now that her
+ideal is shattered, her dream dispelled,--now, it is too late!
+Gentlemen, my client's answer is--and it is one which will only command
+your increased respect:--"No. He has broken my heart, undermined my
+belief in human nature, cast a blight upon my existence. (_~Miss M.~ sobs
+audibly, here, and ~JAB.~ is visibly affected._) Much as I should like to
+recover my old belief in him, much as it would be to my worldly
+advantage to marry a wealthy Bengali barrister with talents and
+influence which are certain to lead to rapid promotion in his native
+land (_~JAB.~ bows, and then shakes his head in protest_), he has made me
+suffer too much, I cannot accept him now!"
+
+(_The learned Counsel then dealt exhaustively with various portions of
+the case, and concluded thus._) Well, gentlemen, I shall not have to
+trouble you with many further remarks, but I will just say this before I
+sit down:--The defendant amongst innumerable other ingenious excuses,
+has pleaded for your indulgence on the score of poverty. He has the
+brazen effrontery to plead poverty, forsooth! after complacently
+admitting, in that box, that he is earning at this very moment an income
+by his pen alone that might be envied by many a hardworking English
+journalist! I do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the
+defendant; on the contrary, gentlemen, I consider it does credit to his
+ability and enterprise. (_~JAB.~ bows again._) But at the same time it
+disposes effectually of his allegation that he is without means, and
+indeed, leaving his literary gains entirely out of the question, it must
+have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of
+living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary
+resources. Bearing this in mind, gentlemen, I ask you to mark your sense
+of his heartless treatment of the plaintiff, and the mental and social
+injury she has suffered on his account, by awarding her substantial
+damages; not, I need scarcely say, in any spirit of vindictiveness, but
+as some compensation (however inadequate) for all she has gone through,
+and also as a warning to other ingratiating but unprincipled Orientals
+that they cannot expect to trifle with the artless affection of our
+generous, warmhearted English maidens without paying--aye, and paying
+dearly, too! for the amusement. (_He sits down amidst applause._)
+
+NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--Hon'ble Judge is to sum up after lunch. I am
+highly pained and disappointed that my friend WITHERINGTON should have
+shown himself a perfidious, and have taken the liberty as he quitted the
+Court to murmur the plaintive remonstrance of "_Et tu, Brute!_" into the
+cavity of his left ear.
+
+My solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, is of the opinion that my case is looking
+"a bit rocky," but that much will depend upon how the Judge sums up.
+What a pity that, owing to judicial red-tapery, I am prohibited from
+popping in upon him at lunch and importuning him to pronounce a decree
+in my favour!
+
+
+
+
+XXXII
+
+_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many
+    Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr
+    Jabberjee's final farewell._
+
+
+    _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2 P.M.
+
+Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL is now summing-up, in such very nice, chatty,
+confidential style that it is impossible to hear one half of his
+observations, while the remainder is totally inaudible.... Nevertheless,
+I already gather that he regards the affair with the restricted
+narrowminded view that it is simply the question of damages.... He
+appears to be now discussing whether my testimony that I am of such
+excessive natural funkiness as to be intimidated by a few threats into
+my matrimonial engagement is humanly credible.... I cannot at all
+comprehend why, at his frequent references to my alleged
+tiger-slaughters--which, with shrewd commonsense sapience, he seems to
+consider mere ideally fabricated fibs and fanciful yarns--the whole
+Court should be so convulsed with unmeaning merriment, nor why so stern
+a Judge does not make any attempt to check such disorderly
+interruptions....
+
+So far as my imperfect hearing can ascertain, he has been instructing
+the jury that they may utterly dismiss from their minds my highly
+ingenious plea of inability to offer any other kind of matrimony than a
+polygamous union--surely, a very, very slipshod off-hand method of
+disposing of such a nice sharp quillet of the Law!... He is talking to
+them about my means, and has thrown out a rather apt suggestion that I
+may have been led by sheer vaingloriousness and Oriental love of
+hyperbole into exaggerating my resources.... However, he "sees no reason
+to doubt my competence to pay a reasonable amount of damages"--an
+opinion with which I am not so pleased. "If the jury think me a gay sort
+of Hindoo deceiver, who has heartlessly trifled with the affections of a
+simple, unsuspecting English girl, that will lead them to award
+substantial damages. If, on the other hand, they consider myself an
+inexperienced Oriental ninnyhammer of a fellow, who has been entrapped
+into an engagement by an ambitious, artful young woman--why, that may
+incline them to inflict a merely nominal penalty." (But why, I should
+like to know, does a Judge, who is infinitely more capable than a dozen
+doltish juryman to express a decided opinion, thus put on the
+double-faced mask of ambiguity, and run with the hare and halloo with
+the hounds, like some Lukeworm from Laodicea?) ... Now he is mentioning
+"certain circumstances, which he is bound to tell the jury have made a
+strong impression on his own mind." ... Alack, that, owing to the
+incorrigible mumbling of his diction, I cannot succeed in ascertaining
+what these said circumstances are!... He has begun (I think) to
+discourse concerning my latest offer of marriage in open Court. What a
+pity that hon'ble judges should not study to acquire at least ordinary
+proficiency in such a simple affair as Elocution!
+
+"It may strike you, gentlemen, that if the plaintiff had any genuine
+affection for the defendant, or any actual intention of linking her lot
+with his, she would----" (the rest is a severe mumble!) "Or again, you
+may take into consideration----" (but precisely _what_ they are to take
+is, to myself, a dumb show!). "Still, after making every possible
+allowance for the idealising effects of the tender passion upon the
+female judgment, I confess I find it a little difficult to persuade
+myself that----" (Again I am not in at the finish--but, from the
+bristling and tossing of JESSIMINA'S hat-plumes, I am in great hopes
+that it contained something complimentary to myself.) ... He has just
+concluded with the observation that, "after what they have seen and
+heard of the defendant during the proceedings, the jury should find
+little difficulty in arriving at a fairly accurate estimate of the loss
+which a young lady of British birth and bringing-up would sustain by
+her failure to secure such a husband."
+
+From the last it is clear that his hon'ble lordship meant that, in
+secret, he has the highest opinion of my merits, though he entirely
+overlooked the obvious fact that he would have better carried out his
+benevolent and patronising intentions towards me by affecting (just now)
+to consider me only a worthless poor chap. But even the most
+subtly-trained European intellects are curiously backward in such
+elementary chicaneries!
+
+3 P.M.--The jury are assembling their heads. They seem generally
+agreed--except a couple of stout ones who are lolling back and listening
+with mulish simpers. If I were certain that they were fellow-colleagues
+from _Punch_, I would encourage them by secret signs to persevere--but
+who knows that they may not be partisans of the plaintiff? If so, they
+deserve to be condignly punished for such obstinate dull-headedness....
+The foreman has asked that they may retire, whereupon Justice
+HONEYGALL answers them, "certainly," and retires his own person
+contemporaneously....
+
+3.15 P.M.--The jury are still absentees. In reply to my questions, my
+solicitor says that, as far as he can see, the damages can't be under
+£250, and may amount to a cold "Thou" (or thousand)! Adding that, if I
+had only let him brief WITHERINGTON, Q.C., I might have got off with
+£50, or even what is nominally called a farthing. But I say to him, in
+such a case how could I possibly have acquired any forensic distinction?
+To which he has no reply ready.
+
+3.30.--The jury are still delayed by the two stouts. I have just
+attempted to chat over the affair with JESSIMINA and Madame MANKLETOW,
+and ascertain whether the former will not accept myself at the eleventh
+hour as payment in full of all damages, costs, &c. Mrs M. replies that
+the jurymen are notoriously in favour of her daughter, and that she
+would as soon see her in gates of grave as the bride of a black man. On
+closer approach to JESSIMINA, I have made the rather disenchanting
+discovery that she has rendered her nose lilac from too much superfluity
+of face-powder. Perhaps, after all, the damages may not be so very....
+The jury are coming back. Hon'ble Judge is fetched hurriedly.... Mister
+Associate asks: "Have you agreed upon your verdict?" Answered that they
+have. "Do they find for plaintiff or defendant?" "For plaintiff." And
+the damages? "_Twenty-five Thou!!!_" My stars! O Gemini! Who'd have
+thought it? My Progenitor will never pay the piper for such an
+atrociously cacophonous tune.... I am a done-for!
+
+3.35.--All right. I was deceived by aural incorrectness. It is not
+twenty-five _thou._--but twenty-five _pounds_!
+
+3.45.--Hiphussar! Cockadoodledoo! A mere bite from a flea!... The
+plaintiff has fallen into hystericals from disappointed
+avariciousness.... There is some idle talk about costs following the
+event, and certifying for a special jury--a luxury for which it seems I
+am not to fork out. The case is over.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+Outside in the corridor and hall I was the cynosure of neighbouring
+eyes, and vociferously applauded as a "good old nigger," and told that
+"now they _shouldn't_ be long," though for what else they were waiting I
+could not learn. Madame MANKLETOW did overtake me near the doors and
+invite me to tea and talk in a coffee and bun emporium, hinting that she
+had recently misunderstood the state of her daughter's heart, and that
+she had in reality been ardently desirous from the first to accept my
+offer. To which I replied that the gates of grave were now hermetically
+closed, and that the plaintiff, like the fabulous canine, had thrown
+away the meaty bone of a first-class opportunity in exchange for the
+rather flimsy and shadowy form of a twenty-five pound note. But, as a
+chivalrous, I refrained from saying that I had been thus totally put off
+by an over-powdered nose.
+
+Then I proceeded, amidst cheering populaces, up Chancery Lane to a
+certain Bar, wherein young HOWARD regaled myself and solicitor very
+handsomely upon anchovy sandwiches and champagne-wine, after which I
+returned to Hereford Road full of ovation and cheerfulness.
+
+It is practically certain that my sire, the Mooktear, will cockahoop
+with paternal pride on hearing by telegram of my moral victory, and
+celebrate same with fireworks and festivities, besides sending ample
+remittances for all costs out of pocket, &c.
+
+So I am now to return shortly to Calcutta, when my time will be too
+exclusively taken up with forensic triumphs for any further jotting or
+tittling for _Punch_, or similar periodicals.
+
+After all, for a fellow who is able to enchant multitudes, and persuade
+their intellects and reasoning faculties by dint of golden verbolatory
+of diction, mere sedentary journalism is a very mediocre and poorly-paid
+pursuit!
+
+Notwithstanding my cessation as a contributor, I shall, on arriving in
+India, infallibly recommend _Punch_ to all my innumerable aunts,
+families, and friends, as a highly respectable periodical--provided that
+the munificent and free-hearted generosity of those Hon'ble Misters, the
+Editor and Proprietors, shall account me worthy to draw a monthly
+retiring pension for my distinguished services.
+
+And, with prostrated respects to my honoured readers and their
+respective relatives, I have the honour to remain, ever and anon,
+
+Their Excellencies most grateful,
+      humble, and obedient servant,
+            H. B. J.
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+THE TEMPLE PRESS, PRINTERS, LETCHWORTH
+
+[Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Table of Contents corrections (page iv):
+  XXIX: opening changed to Opening to match text:
+  _Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~
+    Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._           235
+
+  XXXII: readers changed to Readers to match text:
+  _Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which
+    many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened
+    resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._                  265
+
+Illustration captions changed in List of Illustrations (pages v-vi):
+  "Let out! let out!!" changed to "Let out! Let out!!"
+    to reflect text.
+  "Huzza! tol-de-rol-loll!" changed to "Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"
+    to reflect text.
+  "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairy-like Miss
+    Wee-wee." changed to "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove
+    to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee." to reflect text.
+
+Chapter I, punctuation (page 1):
+  Changed : to ; to match TOC: "Mr Jabberjee apologises for
+    the unambitious scope of his work;"
+
+Chapter IV, capitalization (page 30):
+  CO. changed to Co. for consistency: "Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER
+    and GREUZY and Co. predominated as Old Masters."
+
+Chapter V, spelling (page 33):
+  Jessiminia to Jessimina: "In consequence of the increasing demands
+    of the incomparable Miss JESSIMINA"
+
+Chapter VI, spelling (page 46):
+  Mankeltow to Mankletow: "and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were
+    similarly imperceptible."
+
+Chapter X, spelling (pages 75, 78):
+  Jaberjee to Jabberjee: "Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight."
+  fame to flame: "some, secreting their cigars in the
+    hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find
+    it flame;"
+
+Chapter XIII, spelling (page 96):
+  bethrothal to betrothal: "My preceding article announced the
+    important intelligence of my betrothal"
+
+Chapter XV, spelling (page 117):
+  turqoise to turquoise: "Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified
+    until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best
+    English workmanship,"
+
+Chapter XVI, spelling (page 125):
+  Allbutt-Innet changed to Allbutt-Innett: "Consequently I did
+    cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from my friend
+    ALLBUTT-INNETT,"
+
+Chapter XIX, illustration caption (page 151):
+  period changed to exclamation point to reflect text: "Pitch it
+    strong, my respectable Sir!"
+
+Chapter XXVIII, subheading punctuation (page 225):
+  "No. ----." changed to "No. ----," for consistency in text.
+
+End of Transcriber's Notes.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Baboo Jabberjee, B.A.
+
+Author: F. Anstey
+
+Release Date: April 22, 2008 [EBook #25129]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Clarke, Carolyn Bottomley and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='Frontispiece'></a>
+<img src="images/frontis.jpg" width="493" height="700" alt="Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."></div>
+
+<hr class="pg">
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/tp.jpg" width="397" height="700" alt="Title Page"></div>
+
+<h3>THE WAYFARER'S LIBRARY</h3>
+
+<h1>BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A.</h1>
+
+<h2>F. Anstey</h2>
+
+<h3>J. M. DENT &amp; SONS, Ltd.</h3>
+
+<h4>LONDON</h4>
+
+<hr class="pg">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i"></a></span>
+
+<h3>CONTENTS</h3>
+
+<table summary="Contents" width="65%" cellpadding="1">
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt">&nbsp;</td>
+    <td class="pg"><small>PAGE</small></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>I</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of
+his work; sundry confidences, criticisms, and complaints.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#I">1</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>II</h5><i>Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at
+the Westminster Play.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#II">9</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>III</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureateship.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#III">18</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>IV</h5><i>Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#IV">24</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>V</h5><i>In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on Bicycling as a Pastime.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#V">33</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>VI</h5><i>Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#VI">42</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>VII</h5><i>How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a Whale.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#VII">50</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>VIII</h5><i>How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#VIII">60</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii"></a></span>
+    <h5>IX</h5><i>How he saw the practice of the University Crews, and what he thought of it.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#IX">69</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>X</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#X">75</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XI</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XI">80</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XII</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XII">88</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XIII</h5><i>Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations
+in a Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that Mr Jabberjee failed to understand.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XIII">96</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XIV</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An
+invitation to a Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with what he thought of the ceremony, and how he distinguished
+himself on the occasion.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XIV">105</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XV</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour
+of his betrothed. His doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing
+remarks upon ambitious pretenders. He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XV">114</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XVI</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XVI">125</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii"></a></span>
+    <h5>XVII</h5><i>Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, with the explanation
+of such apparent indiscretion.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XVII">135</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XVIII</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XVIII">138</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XIX</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India
+Office and sympathetic reception.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XIX">146</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XX</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination,
+but is less successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he
+anticipates the happiest results.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XX">155</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXI</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXI">164</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXII</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a
+solicitor&mdash;with certain reservations.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXII">173</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXIII</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes
+his preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary
+outburst of disloyalty&mdash;to which no serious importance need be attached.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXIII">182</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXIV</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXIV">190</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXV</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his
+experiences on a Scotch Moor, greatly to his own glorification.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXV">199</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv"></a></span>
+    <h5>XXVI</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions.
+How he secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it to his divinity.</i>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXVI">207</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXVII</h5><i>Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town,
+thereby affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal assistance. An apparent attempt to pack the Jury.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXVII">216</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXVIII</h5><i>Mankletow</i> v. <i>Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee
+in Court during the proceedings.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXVIII">225</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXIX</h5><i>Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow </i>v.<i>
+Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXIX">235</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXX</h5><i>Mankletow </i>v.<i> Jabberjee (part heard). Mr Jabberjee
+finds cross-examination much less formidable than he had anticipated.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXX">245</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXXI</h5><i>Mankletow </i>v.<i> Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant
+brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXXI">255</a></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><h5>XXXII</h5><i>Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which
+many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#XXXII">265</a></td>  </tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class="pg">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v"></a></span>
+
+<h3>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h3>
+
+<table summary="List of Illustrations" width="65%" cellpadding="1">
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt">&nbsp;</td>
+    <td class="pg"><small>PAGE</small></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#Frontispiece"><i>Frontispiece</i></a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#pviii">viii</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Let out! Let out!!"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p5">5</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p15">15</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Miss Jessimina Mankletow."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p25">25</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"I instantaneously endured the total upset!"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p37">37</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"With a large, stout constable."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p47">47</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p51">51</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"A weedy, tall male gentleman."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p61">61</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"A beaming simper of indescribable suavity."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p81">81</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"I became once more the silent tomb."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p91">91</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"In garbage of unparagoned shabbiness."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p99">99</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"The spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned Shahzadar."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p107">107</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Some haughty masculine might insult her under my very nose."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p115">115</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"It was here," I said, reverently, "that the swan of Avon was hatched!"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p129">129</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p141">141</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p151">151</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p157">157</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"A royal command from the Queen-Empress."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p169">169</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Would be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps."</i>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi"></a></span></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p179">179</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a 'Blooming Blacky!'"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p187">187</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p191">191</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p203">203</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Whether he had wha-haed wi' hon'ble Wallace?"</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p209">209</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p219">219</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p227">227</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>Mr Justice Honeygall.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p237">237</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>Witherington, Q.C.</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p247">247</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="txt"><i>"Jabberjee's face gradually lengthens."</i></td>
+    <td class="pg"><a href="#p261">261</a><br><br></td>  </tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr style="width: 50%;">
+
+<p class="center">The text and illustrations of this book are reproduced by kind
+permission of the Proprietors of <i>Punch</i>.</p><br><br>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='pviii'></a>
+<img src="images/pviii.jpg" width="384" height="700" alt="Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A.">
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix"></a></span>
+<h2><a name="INTRODUCTORY_LETTER_FROM_BABOO_JABBERJEE" id="INTRODUCTORY_LETTER_FROM_BABOO_JABBERJEE"></a>INTRODUCTORY LETTER FROM BABOO JABBERJEE.</h2>
+
+
+<p class="center"><i>To the Hon'ble &mdash;&mdash; Punch.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Venerable and Ludicrous Sir.</span>&mdash;Permit me most respectfully to bring
+beneath your notice a proposal which I serenely anticipate will turn up
+trumps under the fructifying sunshine of your esteemed approbation.</p>
+
+<p>Sir, I am an able B.A. of a respectable Indian University, now in this
+country for purposes of being crammed through Inns of Court and Law
+Exam., and rendering myself a completely fledged Pleader or Barrister in
+the Native Bar of the High Court.</p>
+
+<p>Since my sojourn here, I have accomplished the laborious perusal of your
+transcendent and tip-top periodical, and, hoity toity! I am like a duck
+in thunder with admiring wonderment at the drollishness and jocosity
+with which your paper is ready to burst in its pictorial department.
+But, alack! when I turn my critical attention to the literary contents,
+I am met with a lamentable deficiency and no great shakes, for I note
+there the fly in the ointment and <i>hiatus valde deflendus</i>&mdash;to wit the utter
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x"></a></span> absenteeism of a correct and classical style in English
+composition.</p>
+
+<p>To the highly educated native gentleman who searches your printed
+articles, hoping fondly to find himself in a well of English pure and
+undefiled, it proves merely to fish in the air. Conceive, Sir, the
+disgustful result to one saturated to the skin of his teeth in best
+English masterpieces of immaculate and moderately good prose extracts
+and dramatic passages, published with notes for the use of the native
+student, at weltering in a hotchpot and hurley-burley of arbitrarily
+distorted and very vulgarised cockneydoms and purely London
+provincialities, which must be of necessity to him as casting pearls
+before a swine!</p>
+
+<p>And I have the honour to inform you of a number of cultivated lively
+young native B.A.'s, both here and in my country, who are quite capable
+to appreciate really fine writing and sonoriferous periods if published
+in your paper, and which would infallibly result in a feather in your
+cap and bring increase of grit to the mill.</p>
+
+<p>If, Honoured Sir, you feel disposed to bolster yourself up with the wet
+blanket of a <i>non possumus</i>, and reply to me that your existing
+quill-drivers are too fat-witted and shallow-pated for the production of
+more pretentiously polished lucubrations&mdash;aye, not even if they burn the
+night-light oil and hear the chimes at midnight! I will not be
+hoodwinked by the superficiality
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi"></a></span> of your <i>cui bono</i>, and shall make you
+the answer that I am willing <i>for an exceedingly paltry honorarium</i> to
+rush into the Gordian knot and write you the most superior essays on
+every conceivable and inconceivable subject under the sun, as per
+enclosed samples which I forward respectfully for your delightful and
+golden opinions, guaranteeing faithfully that all of your readers in
+every hemisphere and postal district will fall in love with such a new
+departure and fresh tack.</p>
+
+<p>The specimens I send are <i>not my best</i>, only very ordinary and humdrum
+affairs&mdash;but <i>ex pede Herculem!</i> Hon'ble Sir, and you will see how
+transcendentally superior are even such poor effusions compared to the
+fiddle-faddle and gim-crack style of article with which you are being
+fobbed off by puzzle-headed and self-opiniated nincompoops.</p>
+
+<p>I can also turn out rhymed poetry after models of Poets <span class="smcap">Tennyson</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Cowper</span>, Mrs <span class="smcap">Hemans</span>, <span class="smcap">Southey</span>, &amp; Co.,
+<i>done to a tittle</i>, so as not to be
+detected, even by the cynosure, as mere spurious imitation, but in every
+respect up to the mark and the real Simon Pure.</p>
+
+<p>Therefore, Hon'ble Sir, do not hesitate to strike while the iron is
+incandescent and bleed freely, even if it should be necessary, prior to
+engaging your humble petitioner's services, to turn out one or more of
+your present contributioners crop and heels, and lay them on the shelf
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii"></a></span>
+of their own incompetencies. Remember that the slightest act of volition
+on your part can exalt my pecuniary status to the skies, as well as
+confer distinguished and unparagoned ennoblement upon your <i>caco&euml;thes
+scribendi</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I remain, respected Sir, Your most obsequious Servant,</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p class="txtright"><span class="smcap">Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee</span>, B.A.</p></div>
+
+<p>P.S. and N.B.&mdash;Being so unacquainted with the limner's art, I cannot <i>at
+present</i> undertake the etching of caricatures <i>et hoc genus omne</i>.
+However, if such is your will, Hon'ble Sir, I will take the cow by the
+horns, after preliminary course of instruction at Government Art School,
+all expenses, &amp;c., to be defrayed on the nail out of your purse of
+Fortunatus, seeing that your esteemed correspondent is so hard up
+between two stools that he is reduced to a choice of Hodson's Horse!</p><p class="txtright">H. B. J.</p><br><br><br>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='banner'></a>
+<img src="images/banner.jpg" width="400" height="71" alt="banner">
+</div>
+
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his work; sundry
+confidences, criticisms and complaints.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">When</span> I first received intimation from the supernal and spanking hand of
+Hon'ble <i>Mr Punch</i>, that he smiled with fatherly benignity at my humble
+request that he should offer myself as a regular poorly-paid
+contributor, I blessed my stars and was as if to jump over the moon for
+jubilation and sprightfulness.</p>
+
+<p>But, heigh-ho! <i>surgit amari aliquid</i>, and his condescending patronage
+was dolefully alloyed with the inevitable dash of bitters which, as Poet
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> remarks, withers the galled jade until it winces. For with an
+iron heel has Hon'ble <i>Mr P.</i> declined sundry essays of enormous length
+and importance, composed in Addisonian, Johnsonian, and Gibbonian
+phraseology on assorted topics, such as "Love," "Civilisation,"
+"Matrimony," "Superstition," "Is Courage a Virtue, or <i>Vice Vers&acirc;</i>?" and
+has recommended me instead to devote my pen to quite ephemeral and
+fugacious topics, and merely commit to paper such reflections, critical
+opinions, and experiences as may turn up in the potluck of my daily
+career.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>What wonder that on reading such a <i>sine qu&acirc; non</i> and ultimatum my <i>vox
+faucibus h&aelig;sit</i> and stuck in my gizzard with bashful sheepishness, for
+how to convulse the Thames and set it on fire and all agog with
+amazement at the humdrum incidents of so very ordinary an existence as
+mine, which is spent in the diligent study of Roman, Common,
+International, and Canonical Law from morn to dewy eve in the
+lecture-hall or the library of my inn, and, as soon as the shades of
+night are falling fast, in returning to my domicilium at Ladbroke Grove
+with the undeviating punctuality of a tick?</p>
+
+<p>However, being above all things desirous not to let slip the golden
+opportunity and pocket the root of all evil, I decided to let my
+diffidence go to the wall and boldly record every jot and tittle,
+however humdrum, with the critical reflections and censorious
+observations arising therefrom, remembering that, though the fabulous
+and mountain-engendered mouse was no doubt at the time considered but a
+fiasco and flash in the pan by its maternal progenitor, nevertheless
+that same identical mouse rendered yeomanry services at a subsequent
+period to the lion involved in the compromising intricacies of a
+landing-net!</p>
+
+<p>Benevolent reader, <i>de te fabula narratur</i>. Perchance the mousey
+bantlings of my insignificant brain may nibble away the cords of
+prejudice and exclusiveness now encircling many
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3"></a></span> highly respectable
+British lions. Be not angry with me therefore, if in the character of a
+damned but good-natured friend, I venture on occasions to "hint dislike
+and hesitate disgust."</p>
+
+<p>The majestic and magnificent matron, under whose aegis I reside for rs.
+20 per week, is of lofty lineage, though fallen from that high estate
+into the peck of troubles, and compelled (owing to severely social
+disposition) to receive a number of small and select boarders.</p>
+
+<p>Like <i>Jepthah</i>, in the play of <i>Hamlet</i>, she has one fair daughter and
+no more, a bewitching and well-proportioned damsel, as fine as a
+fivepence or a May-day queen. Notwithstanding this, when I summon up my
+courage to address her, she receives my laborious politeness with a
+cachinnation like that of a Cheshire cheese, which strikes me all of a
+heap. Her female parent excuses to me such flabbergasting demeanour on
+the plea that her daughter is afflicted with great shyness and maidenly
+modesty, but, on perceiving that she can be skittish and genial in the
+company of other masculines, I am forced to attribute her
+contumeliousness to the circumstance that I am a native gentleman of a
+dark complexion.</p>
+
+<p>In addition, I have the honour to inform you of further specimens of
+this inurbanity and bearishness from officials who are perfect strangers
+to the writer. Each morning I journey through the subterranean bowels of the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4"></a></span> earth to the Temple,
+and on a recent occasion, when I was
+descending the stairs in haste to pop into the train, lo and behold,
+just as I reached the gate, it was shut in my nose by the churlishness
+of the jack-in-office!</p>
+
+<p>At which, stung to the quick at so unprovoked and unpremeditated an
+affront, I accosted him severely through the bars of the wicket,
+demanding sarcastically, "Is <i>this</i> your boasted British Jurisprudence?"</p>
+
+<p>The savage heart of the Collector was moved by my expostulation, and he
+consented to open the gate, and imprint a perforated hole on my ticket;
+but, alack! his repentance was a day after the fair, for the train had
+already taken its hook into the Cimmerian gloom of a tunnel! When the
+next train arrived, I, waiting prudently until it was quiescent, stepped
+into a compartment, wherein I was dismayed and terrified to find myself
+alone with an individual and two lively young terriers, which barked
+minaciously at my legs.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p5'></a>
+<img src="images/p5.jpg" width="437" height="700" alt="Let out! Let out!!">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"LET OUT! LET OUT!!"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>But I, with much presence of mind, protruded my head from the window,
+vociferating to those upon the platform, "Let out! Let out!! Fighting
+dogs are here!!!"</p>
+
+<p>And they met my appeal with unmannerly jeerings, until the controller of
+the train, seeing that I was firm in upholding my dignity of British
+subject, and claiming my just rights, unfastened the door and permitted
+me to escape;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"></a></span> but,
+while I was yet in search of a compartment where
+no canine elements were in the manger, the train was once more in
+motion, and I, being no daredevil to take such leap into the dark, was a
+second time left behind, and a loser of two trains. Moreover, though I
+have written a humbly indignant petition to the Hon'ble Directors of the
+Company pointing out loss of time and inconvenience through incivility,
+and asking them for small pecuniary compensation, they have assumed the
+rhinoceros hide, and nilled my request with dry eyes.</p>
+
+<p>But I shall next make the further complaint that, even when making every
+effort to do the civil, the result is apt to kill with kindness; and&mdash;as
+King <span class="smcap">Charles the First</span>, when they were shuffling off his mortal coil,
+politely apologised for the unconscionable long time that his head took
+to decapitate&mdash;so I, too, must draw attention to the fact that the
+duration of formal ceremonious visits, is far too protracted and long
+drawn out.</p>
+
+<p><i>Crede experto.</i> A certain young English gentleman, dwelling in the
+Temple, whose acquaintance I have formed, earnestly requested that I
+should do him the honour of a visit; and recently, wishing to be hail
+fellow well met, I presented myself before him about 9.30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span></p>
+
+<p>He greeted me with effusion, shaking me warmly by the hand, and begging
+me to be seated, and making many inquiries, whether I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8"></a></span> preferred India
+to England, and what progress I was making in my studies, &amp;c., and so
+forth, all of which I answered faithfully, to the best of my abilities.</p>
+
+<p>After that he addressed me by fits and starts and <i>longo intervallo</i>,
+yet displaying so manifest and absorbent a delight in my society that he
+could not bring himself to terminate the audience, while I was to
+conceal my immense wearisomeness and the ardent desire I had conceived
+to leave him.</p>
+
+<p>And thus he detained me there hour after hour, until five minutes past
+one <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>, when he recollected, with many professions of chagrin, that he
+had an appointment to take his tiffin, and dismissed me, inviting me
+cordially to come again.</p>
+
+<p>If, however, it is expected of me that I can devote three hours and a
+half to ceremonial civilities, I must respectfully answer with a <i>Nolo
+episcopari</i>, for my time is more precious than rubies, and so I will beg
+not only Mr <span class="smcap">Melladew</span>, Esq., Barrister-at-law, but all other Anglo-Saxon
+friends and their families, to accept this as a <i>verbum sap.</i> and wink
+to a blind horse.</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the Westminster Play.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Being</span> forearmed by editorial beneficence with ticket of admission to
+theatrical entertainment by adolescent students at Westminster College,
+I presented myself at the scene of acting in a state of liveliest and
+frolicsome anticipation on a certain Wednesday evening in the month of
+December last, about 7.20 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span></p>
+
+<p>At the summit of the stairs I was received by a posse of polite and
+stalwart striplings in white kids, who, after abstracting large circular
+orifice from my credentials, ordered me to ascend to a lofty gallery,
+where, on arriving, I found every chair pre-occupied, and moreover was
+restricted to a prospect of the backs of numerous juvenile heads, while
+expected to remain the livelong evening on the tiptoe of expectation and
+Shank's mare!</p>
+
+<p>This for a while I endured submissively from native timidity and
+retirement, until my bosom boiled over at the sense of "<i>Civis Romanus
+sum</i>," and, descending to the barrier, I harangued the wicket-keeper
+with great length and fervid eloquence, informing him that I was graduate of
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10"></a></span> high-class Native University after passing most tedious and
+difficult exams with fugitive colours and that it was injurious and
+deleterious to my "<i>mens sana in corpore sano</i>" to remain on legs for
+some hours beholding what I practically found to be invisible.</p>
+
+<p>But, though he turned an indulgent ear to my quandary, he professed his
+inability to help me over my "<i>pons asinorum</i>," until I ventured to play
+the ticklish card and inform him that I was a distinguished
+representative of Hon'ble <i>Punch</i>, who was paternally anxious for me to
+be awarded a seat on the lap of luxury.</p>
+
+<p>Then he unbended, and admitted me to the body of the auditorium, where I
+was conducted to a coign of vantage in near proximity to members of the
+fair sex and galaxy of beauty.</p>
+
+<p>Thus, by dint of nude gumption, I was in the bed of clover and seventh
+heaven, and more so when, on inquiry from a bystander, I understood that
+the performance was taken from Mr <span class="smcap">Terriss's</span> Adelphi Theatre, which I had
+heard was conspicuous for excellence in fierce combats, blood-curdling
+duels, and scenes in court. And I narrated to him how I too, when a
+callow and unfledged hobbardyhoy, had engaged in theatrical
+entertainments, and played such parts in native dramas as heroic
+giant-killers and tiger slayers, in which I was an "<i>au fait</i>" and
+"<i>facile princeps</i>," also in select scenes
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"></a></span> from <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> play of
+<i>Macbeth</i> in English and being correctly attired as a Scotch.</p>
+
+<p>But presently I discovered that the play was quite another sort of
+Adelphi, being a jocose comedy by a notorious ancient author of the name
+of <span class="smcap">Terence</span>, and written entirely in Latin, which a contiguous damsel
+expressed a fear lest she should find it incomprehensible and obscure. I
+hastened to reassure her by explaining that, having been turned out as a
+certificated B.A. by Indian College, I had acquired perfect familiarity
+and nodding acquaintance with the early Roman and Latin tongues, and
+offering my services as interpreter of "<i>quicquid agunt homines</i>," and
+the entire "<i>farrago libelli</i>," which rendered her red as a turkeycock
+with delight and gratitude. When the performance commenced with a scenic
+representation of the Roman Acropolis, and a venerable elderly man
+soliloquising lengthily to himself, and then carrying on a protracted
+logomachy with another greybeard&mdash;although I understood sundry
+colloquial idioms and phrases such as "<i>uxorem duxit</i>," "<i>carum mihi</i>,"
+"<i>quid agis?</i>" "<i>cur amat?</i>" and the like, all of which I assiduously
+translated <i>viv&acirc; voce</i>&mdash;I could not succeed in learning the reason why
+they were having such a snip-snap, until the interval, when the lady
+informed me herself that it was because one of them had carried off a
+nautch-girl belonging to the other's son&mdash;which caused me to marvel
+greatly at her erudition.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>I looked that, in the next portion of the performance, I might behold
+the nautch-girl, and witness her forcible rescue&mdash;or at least some
+saltatory exhibition; but, alack! she remained <i>sotto voce</i> and
+hermetically sealed; and though other characters, in addition to the
+elderly gentlemen, appeared, they were all exclusively masculine in
+gender, and there was nothing done but to converse by twos and threes.
+When the third portion opened with a long-desiderated peep of
+petticoats, I told my neighbour confidently that now at last we were to
+see this dancing girl and the abduction; but she replied that it was not
+so, for these females were merely the mother of the wife of another of
+the youths and her attendant ayah. And even this precious pair, after
+weeping and wringing their hands for a while, vanished, not to appear
+again.</p>
+
+<p>Now as the entertainment proceeded, I fell into the dumps with
+increasing abashment and mortification to see everyone around me, ay,
+even the women and the tenderest juveniles! clap the hands and laugh in
+their sleeves with merriment at quirks and gleeks in which&mdash;in spite of
+all my classical proficiency&mdash;I could not discover <i>le mot pour rire</i> or
+crack so much as the cream of a jest, but must sit there melancholy as a
+gib cat or smile at the wrong end of mouth.</p>
+
+<p>For, indeed, I began to fear that I had been fobbed off with the
+smattered education of a painted sepulchre, that I should fail so dolorously
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13"></a></span> to comprehend what was plain as a turnpike-staff to the
+veriest British babe and suckling!</p>
+
+<p>However, on observing more closely, I discovered that most of the
+grown-up adults present had books containing the translation of all the
+witticisms, which they secretly perused, and that the feminality were
+also provided with pink leaflets on which the dark outline of the plot
+was perspicuously inscribed.</p>
+
+<p>Moreover, on casting my eyes up to the gallery, I perceived that there
+were overseers there armed with long canes, and that the small youths
+did not indulge in plaudations and hilarity except when threatened by
+these.</p>
+
+<p>And thereupon I took heart, seeing that the proceedings were clearly
+veiled in an obsolete and cryptic language, and it was simply matter of
+rite and custom to applaud at fixed intervals, so I did at Rome as the
+Romans did, and was laughter holding both his sides as often as I beheld
+the canes in a state of agitation.</p>
+
+<p>I am not unaware that it is to bring a coal from Newcastle to pronounce
+any critical opinion upon the ludibrious qualities of so antiquated a
+comedy as this, but, while I am wishful to make every allowance for its
+having been composed in a period of prehistoric barbarity, I would still
+hazard the criticism that it does not excite the simpering guffaw with
+the frequency of such modern standard works as <i>exempli grati&acirc;</i>,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14"></a></span>
+<i>Miss Brown</i>, or <i>The Aunt of Charley</i>, to either of which I would award the
+palm for pure whimsicality and gawkiness.</p>
+
+<p>Candour compels me to admit, however, that the conclusion of the
+Adelphi, in which a certain magician summoned a black-robed,
+steeple-hatted demon from the nether world, who, after commanding a
+minion to give a pickle-back to sundry grotesque personages, did
+castigate their ulterior portions severely with a large switch, was a
+striking amelioration and betterment upon the preceding scenes, and
+evinced that <span class="smcap">Terence</span> possessed no deficiency of up-to-date facetiousness
+and genuine humour; though I could not but reflect&mdash;"<i>O, si sic omnia!</i>"
+and lament that he should have hidden his <i>vis comica</i> for so long under
+the stifling disguise of a <i>serviette</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I am a beggar at describing the hurly-burly and most admired disorder
+amidst which I performed the descent of the staircase in a savage
+perspiration, my elbows and heels unmercifully jostled by a dense,
+unruly horde, and going with nose in pocket, from trepidation due to
+national cowardice, while the seething mob clamoured and contended for
+overcoats and hats around very exiguous aperture, through which
+bewildered custodians handed out bundles of sticks and umbrellas, in
+vain hope to appease such impatience. Nor did I succeed to the recovery
+of my hat and paraphernalia until after twenty-four and a half minutes
+(Greenwich time), and with the labours of Hercules for the golden
+fleece!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p15'></a>
+<img src="images/p15.jpg" width="423" height="700" alt="A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"A GOLDEN-HEADED UMBRELLA, FRESH AS A ROSE."</span></p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17"></a></span>
+For which I was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance and
+claim for indemnity to some pundit in authority; but perceiving that by
+such fishing in troubled waters I was the gainer of a golden-headed
+umbrella, fresh as a rose, I decided to accept the olive branch and bury
+the bone of contention.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureateship.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">It</span> is "<i>selon les r&egrave;gles</i>" and <i>rerum natur&acirc;</i> that the <span class="smcap">Queen's</span> Most
+Excellent Majesty, being constitutionally partial to poetry, should
+desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip-top genius,
+to be kept snug on Royal premises and ready at momentary notice to
+oblige with song or dirge, according as High Jinks or Dolorousness are
+the Court orders of the day.</p>
+
+<p>But how far more satisfactory if Right Hon'ble Marquis <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>,
+instead of arbitrarily decorating some already notorious bard with this
+"<i>cordon bleu</i>" and thus gilding a lily, should throw the office open to
+competition by public exam, and, after carefully weighing such
+considerations as the applicant's <i>res angusta domi</i>, the fluency of his
+imagination, his nationality, and so on&mdash;should award the itching palm
+of Fame to the poet who succeeded best in tickling his fancy!</p>
+
+<p>Had some such method been adopted, the whole Indian Empire might to-day
+have been pleased as <i>Punch</i> by the selection of a Hindoo gentleman to
+do the job&mdash;for I should infallibly
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19"></a></span> have entered myself for the
+running. Unfortunately such unparalleled opportunity of throwing soup to
+Cerberus, and exhibiting colour-blindness, has been given the slip,
+though the door is perhaps still open (even at past eleven o'clock <span class="smcap">p.m.</span>)
+for retracing the false step and web of Penelope.</p>
+
+<p>For I would respectfully submit to Her Imperial Majesty that, in her
+duplicate capacity of Queen of England and Empress of India, she has
+urgent necessity for a Court Poet for each department, who would be
+<i>Arcades ambo</i> and two of a trade, and share the duties with their
+proportionate pickings.</p>
+
+<p>Or, if she would be unwilling to pay the piper to such a tune, I alone
+would work the oracle in both Indian and Anglo-Saxon departments, and
+waive the annual tub of sherry for equivalent in cash down.</p>
+
+<p>And, if I may make the suggestion, I would strongly advise that this
+question of my joint (or several) appointment should be severely taken
+up by London Press as matter of simple justice to India. This is without
+prejudice to the already appointed Laureate as a swan and singing bird
+of the first water. All I desire is that the Public should know of
+another&mdash;and, perchance, even rarer&mdash;avis, who is <i>nigroque simillima
+cygno</i>, and could be obtained dog cheap for a mere song or a drug in the
+marketplace, if only there is made a National Appeal
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20"></a></span> to the Sovereign
+that he should be promoted to such a sinecure and <i>&aelig;re perennius</i>.</p>
+
+<p>As a specimen of the authenticity of my divine flatulence, please find
+inclosed herewith copy of complimentary verses, written by myself on
+hearing of Poet <span class="smcap">Austin's</span> selection. Indulgence is kindly requested for
+very hasty composition, and circumstance of being greatly harrowed and
+impeded at time of writing by an excruciating full sized boil on back of
+neck, infuriated by collar of shirt, poulticings, and so forth.</p><br>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Congratulatory Ode</span><br>
+<br>
+<i>To Hon'ble Poet-Laureate Alfred Austin, Esq.</i></p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hail! you full-blown tulip!<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh! when the wheezing zephyr brought glad news<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Of your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate!<br></span>
+<span class="i0">For no <i>poeta nascitur</i> who is fitter<br></span>
+<span class="i0">To greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter.<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium,<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Far away, far away from fuliginous busy hum<br></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21"></a></span>
+<span class="i2">You are now perched with phenomenal velocity<br></span>
+<span class="i2">On vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity!<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petition<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Of one consumed by corresponding ambition,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">And lend the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali!<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Whose <i>ars poetica</i> (as per sample lyric)<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Is fully competent to turn out panegyric.<br></span>
+<span class="i0">What if some time to come, perhaps not distant,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">You were in urgent need of Deputy-Assistant!<br></span>
+<span class="i0">For two Princesses might be confined simultaneously&mdash;<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously?<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy! What a fix<br></span>
+<span class="i0">If with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks!<br></span>
+<span class="i2">In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly,<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly,<br></span>
+<span class="i2">By an <i>epithalamium</i> (or what not) to inflame your credit<br></span>
+<span class="i2">With every coronated head that will have read it!<br></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22"></a></span>
+<span class="i2">And the <i>quid pro quo</i>, magnificent and grand Sir!<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Now, thou who scale sidereal paths afar dost,<br></span>
+<span class="i0">Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dust<br></span>
+<span class="i2">Upon<br></span>
+<span class="i4">The head of him<br></span>
+<span class="i6">Whose fate depends<br></span>
+<span class="i8">On Thee!<br></span>
+</div></div>
+(<i>Signed</i>) <span class="smcap">Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee.</span><br>
+
+<p>The above was forwarded (<i>post-paid</i>) to Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Austin's</span> official
+address at Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey (opposite the Royal
+Aquarium), but&mdash;hoity-toity and <i>mirabile dictu!</i>&mdash;no answer has yet
+been vouchsafed to yours truly save the cold shoulder of contemptuous
+inattention!</p>
+
+<p>What a pity! Well-a-day, that we should find such passions of envy and
+jealousy in bosom of a distinguished poet, whose lucubrated productions
+may (for all that is known to the present writer) be no great shakes
+after all, and mere food for powder!</p>
+
+<p>The British public is an ardent lover of the scintillating jewellery of
+fair play, and so I confidently submit my claims and poetical
+compositions to be arbitrated by the unanimous voice of all who
+understand such articles.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Let us remember that it is never too late to pull down the fallen idol
+out of the gilded shrine in which it has established itself with the
+egotistical isolation of a dog with the mange!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I have</span> the honour to report that the phantom of delight has recently
+recommenced to dance before me.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina Mankletow</span>, the perfumed, moony-faced daughter of the
+gracious and eagle-eyed goddess who presides over the select boarding
+establishment in which I am resident member, has of late emerged from
+the shell of superciliousness, and brought the beaming eye of
+encouragement to bear upon my diffidence and humility.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p25'></a>
+<img src="images/p25.jpg" width="465" height="700" alt="Miss Jessimina Mankletow.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"MISS JESSIMINA MANKLETOW."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>This I partly attribute to general impression&mdash;which I do not condescend
+to deny&mdash;that, at home, I occupy the social status of a Rajah, or some
+analogous kind of big native pot.</p>
+
+<p>So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, she invited me to escort her and a
+similar young virginal lady friend, by name Miss <span class="smcap">Priscilla Primmett</span>, to
+Burlington House, Piccadilly, and, as <i>Prince Hamlet</i> appositely
+remarks, "Look here upon this picture and on this." Which I joyfully
+accepted, being head-over-heels in love with Art, and the possessor of
+two magnificent coloured photo-lithographs, representing
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27"></a></span> a
+steeplechase in the act of jumping a trench, and a water-nymph in the
+very <i>d&eacute;collet&eacute;</i> undress of "<i>puris naturalibus</i>," weltering on a rushy
+bed.</p>
+
+<p>We proceeded thither upon the giddy summit of a Royal Oak omnibus, and
+on arriving in the vestibulum, were peremptorily commanded to undergo
+total abstinence from our umbrellas.</p>
+
+<p>Being accompanied by the span-new silken affair with the golden head,
+which, as I have narrated <i>supra</i>, I was so lucky to obtain
+promiscuously after witnessing the Adelphi of the Westminster college
+boys, I naturally protested vehemently against such arbitrary and
+tyrannical regulations, urging the risk of my unprotected umbrella being
+feloniously abducted during unavoidable absence by some unprincipled and
+illegitimate claimant.</p>
+
+<p>But, alack! I was confronted with the official ultimatum and <i>sine qu&acirc;
+non</i>, and have subsequently learnt that the cause of this self-denying
+ordinance is due to the uncontrollable enthusiasm of British Public for
+works of art, which leads them to signify approbation by puncturing
+innumerable orifices by dint of sticks or umbrellas in the process of
+pointing out tit-bits of painting, and on account of the detrimental
+influence on the marketable value of pictures thus distinguished by the
+plerophory of the <i>Vox Populi</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Nevertheless, my heart was oppressed with
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28"></a></span> many misgivings at having to
+hand over three hostage umbrellas&mdash;one being masculine and two feminine
+gender&mdash;and receiving nothing in exchange but a wooden medallion of no
+intrinsic worth, bearing the utterly disproportionate number of over one
+thousand! Next, after, at Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span> bidding, having purchased a
+sixpenny index, we ascended the staircase, and on shelling out three
+shillings cash payment, were consecutively squeezed through a restricted
+wicket as if needles going through the eye of a camel.</p>
+
+<p>I will vouchsafe to aver that my interior sensations on penetrating the
+first gallery were those of acute and indignant disappointment, for will
+it be credited that a working majority of the exhibits were second, or
+even third and fourth-hand mechanisms of an unparagoned dingitude, and
+fit only for the lumbering room?</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps I shall be told that this wintry exhibition is a mere stopgap
+and makeshift, until a fresh supply of bright new paintings can be
+procured, and that it is <i>ultra vires</i> to obtain such for love or money
+before the merry month of May.</p>
+
+<p>Still I must persist in denouncing the penny wisdom and pound foolery of
+the Academicals in foisting off upon the public such ancient and
+fish-like articles that have long ceased to be <i>bon ton</i> and in the
+fashion, since it is undeniable that many are over fifty years, and some
+several centuries behind the times!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is to be hoped that these parsimonious Misters will soon recognise
+that it is not possible for modern up-to-date Art to be florescent under
+this retrograde and fossilized system, and be warned that such
+untradesmanlike goings-on will deservedly forfeit the confidence and
+patronage of their most fastidious customers.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> remarked more than once that such and such a picture was
+not in <i>her</i> taste and she would never have chosen it personally, while
+Miss <span class="smcap">Primmett</span> declared that she would not have had her likeness taken by
+Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Josh Gainsboro</span>, or
+Misters <span class="smcap">Velasky</span> and <span class="smcap">Vandick</span>, not even if
+they implored her on their bended marrowbones, and that, as for a
+certain individual effeminately named <span class="smcap">Etty</span>, it was a wonderment to her
+how respectable people could stand in front of such brazen performances!
+These remarks are trivial, perhaps, but even straws will serve as cocks
+of the weather on occasions, and, moreover, I shall certify that the
+most general tone was of a critical and disapproving severity, and it
+was quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have
+done the job better themselves.</p>
+
+<p>A certain Mister <span class="smcap">Turner</span> came in for
+the <span class="smcap">Benjamin's</span> mess of obloquy,
+having represented Pluto, the god of wealth, in the act of carrying off
+a female Proserpine, but the figures so Lilliputian, and in such a
+disproportionate expansion
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30"></a></span> of confused sceneries, that the elopement
+produced but a very paltry impression. The slipshod carelessness of this
+painter may be realised from the fact that in a composition styled
+"<i>Blue Lights to Warn Steamboats off Shoal Water</i>," the blue lights are
+conspicuous by their total absence, and the mistiness of the
+atmospherical conditions renders it difficult to distinguish either the
+steamers or the shoals with even tolerable accuracy!</p>
+
+<p>In the ulterior room were sundry productions from Umbrian and Milanese
+and other schools, such being presumptively the teaching establishments
+over which Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Reynolds</span> and <span class="smcap">Turner</span> and
+<span class="smcap">Greuzy</span> and Co. predominated
+as Old Masters. But surely it is unfair, and like seething a kid in the
+maternal nutriment, to class such crude and hobbardyhoy performances
+with works by more senile hands!</p>
+
+<p>Here I observed a painting to illustrate scenes in the life of an
+important celebrity, who was childishly represented many times over
+having separate adventures in the space of a few square feet, and of a
+Brobdingnacian bulkiness compared to his perspective surroundings.</p>
+
+<p>Had this been the work of an Indian artist, native gentlemen out there
+would simply have smiled pitiably at such ignorance, and given him the
+gentle admonishment that he was only to make a fool of himself for his
+pains. There was also a picture of a Diptych, in two portions, with a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31"></a></span>
+background of gilt, but the figure of the Diptych himself very poorly
+represented as an anatomy.</p>
+
+<p>Where all is so so-so, and below par, it is perhaps invidious to single
+out any for hon'ble mention; but loyalty as a British subject obliges me
+to speak favourably of a concern lent by Her Majesty the <span class="smcap">Queen</span>, and
+representing a bombastical youth engaged in a snip-snap with a meek and
+inoffensive schoolfellow, who supports himself on one leg, and is
+occupied in sheltering his nose behind his arm, until his widowed and
+aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved offspring from his grave
+crisis.</p>
+
+<p>This at least can be commended as being true to nature, as I can attest
+from personal experience of similar boyish loggerheads, although, owing
+to preserving my <i>sang froid</i>, I was generally able to remove myself
+with phenomenal rapidity from vicinity of shocking kicks by my truculent
+assailant.</p>
+
+<p>Let me not omit to mention a painting of "<i>Polichinelle</i>" by a Gallic
+artist, which Miss <span class="smcap">Primmett</span> said was the French equivalent to <i>Punch</i>.
+At which, speaking loudly for instruction of bystanders, I assured them,
+as one familiarly connected with Hon'ble <i>Punch</i>, who regarded me as a
+son, such a portrait was the very antipode to his majestic lineaments,
+nor was it reasonable to suppose that he would allow his counterfeit
+presentment to be depicted in the undignified garbage of a buffoon!
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>I trust that I may be gratefully remembered by my Liege Lord, and that
+he will be gracious enough to entertain me favourably with something in
+the shape of prize or bonus in reward for such open testimony as the
+above.</p>
+
+<p>I have only to add that the custodian preserved the inviolability of our
+umbrellas with honorable fidelity, and that we moistened the drooping
+clay of our internal tenements at an A&euml;rated Tea Company with a
+profusion of confectionaries, for which my fair friends with amiable
+blandness permitted me the privilege of forking out.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="V" id="V"></a>V</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on Bicycling as a Pastime.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">In</span> consequence of the increasing demands of the incomparable Miss
+<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> upon the dancing attendance of your humble servant, I am
+lately become as idle as a newly painted ship, and have not drunk in the
+legal wisdom of the learned <i>Moonshees</i> who lecture in the hall of my
+Inn of Court, or opened the ponderous treatise of Hon'ble Justice
+<span class="smcap">Blackstone</span> or <span class="smcap">Addison</span> on <i>Torts</i>, for many a blank day.</p>
+
+<p>Still, as Philosopher <span class="smcap">Plato</span> observed, "<i>Nihil humani alienum a me
+puto</i>," and my time has not been actually squandered in the theft of
+Procrastination, but rather employed in the proper study of Mankind, and
+acquiring a more complete knowingness in <i>Ars Vivendi</i>.</p>
+
+<p>So I think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a
+practice which threatens to develop into an epidemical kind of plague,
+and carry the deteriorating trails of a serpent over our household
+families, unless promptly scotched by benevolent firmness of a paternal
+Government.</p>
+
+<p>Need I explain I am alluding to the nowaday
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34"></a></span> passion for propelling
+oneself at a severe speed by dint of unstable and most precarious
+machinery? It is now the exception which breaks the rule to take the air
+in the streets without being startled by the unseemly spectacles of
+go-ahead citizens straddled upon such revolutionary contrivances,
+threading their way with breakneck velocity under the very noses of
+omnibus and other horses, and ringing the shrill welkin of a
+tintinnabulating gong!</p>
+
+<p>Nay, even after the Curfew has taken its toll from the knell of parting
+day, and darkness reigns supreme, they will urge on their wild career,
+illuminated by the dim religious light of a small oil lamp!</p>
+
+<p>I possess no knack of medical knowledge, but I boldly state my opinion
+that such daredevilry must necessarily inflict a deleterious result to
+the nervous organisms of these riders; and, who knows, of their
+posterity?</p>
+
+<p>For no one can expect to have hairbreadth escapes from the running
+gauntlet continuously, without suffering a shattering internal panic,
+while catastrophes of fatal injury to life and limb have become <i>de
+rigueur</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Experto crede</i>&mdash;for I can support my <i>obiter dictum</i> by the crushing
+weight of personal experience. A few mornings since I had the honour to
+escort Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina Mankletow</span> and a middle-aged select female boarder
+into the interior of Hyde Park. The day was fine,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35"></a></span> though frigid, and I
+was wearing my fur-lined overcoat, with boots of patent Japan leather,
+and a Bombay gold-embroidered cap, so that I was a mould of form and the
+howling nob.</p>
+
+<p>Picture my amazement when, as I promenaded the path beside the waters of
+the Serpentine lake, I beheld a wheeled cavalcade of every conceivable
+age, sex, and appearance; senile gaffers and baby buntings;
+multitudinous women, some plump as a duckling, others thin as a
+paper-thread; aye, and even priests in sanctimonious black and
+milk-white cravats, rolling swiftly upon two wheels, and all agog to
+dash through thick and thin!</p>
+
+<p>On seeing which, the matured lady boarder did exclaim upon the
+difficulties of the performance, and the vast crowd that had collected
+to view such a <i>tour de force</i>, but I, perceiving that those seated upon
+the machines used no exorbitant exertions, and, indeed, appeared to be
+wholly engrossed in social intercourse, responded that no skill was
+required to circulate these bicycles, which, owing to being surrounded
+with air-cushions, would proceed <i>proprio motu</i> and without meandering.</p>
+
+<p>Thereupon Miss <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> expressed an ardent desire to behold myself
+upon one of these same machines, and&mdash;as we were now close to the effigy
+of Hon'ble Duke of <span class="smcap">Wellington</span> disguised as an Achilles, near
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36"></a></span> which were
+certain <i>bunniahs</i> trafficking with bicycles&mdash;I, wishing to pleasure my
+fair companion, approached one of these contractors and bargained with
+him for the sole user of his vehicle for the space of one calendar hour,
+to which he consented at the <i>honorarium</i> of one rupee four annas.</p>
+
+<p>But, on receiving the bicycle from his hands, I at once perceived myself
+under a total impossibility of achieving its ascent&mdash;for no sooner had I
+protruded one leg over the saddle than the foremost wheel averted
+itself, and the entire machine bit the dust, which afforded lively and
+infinite entertainment to my feminine companions.</p>
+
+<p>I, however, reproached the <i>bunniah</i> for furnishing a worn-out effete
+affair that was not in working order or a going concern, but he, by
+assuring me that it was all right, cajoled me into trying once more.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p37'></a>
+<img src="images/p37.jpg" width="580" height="700" alt="I instantaneously endured the total upset!">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"I INSTANTANEOUSLY ENDURED THE TOTAL UPSET!"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>So, divesting myself of my fur-lined overcoat, which I commanded a
+hobbardyhoy of the sweeper class to hold, I again mounted upon the
+saddle, while the proprietor of the machine sustained it in a position
+of rectitude, and then, supporting me by the superfluity of my
+pantaloons, he propelled me from the rear, counselling me to press my
+feet vigorously upon the paddles. But it all proved as the labour of
+Sisyphus, for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions and
+adamantine hardihood, and whenever the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39"></a></span> bicycle-man released his hold,
+I instantaneously endured the total upset!</p>
+
+<p>Then again I reproved him for his <i>Punica fides</i>, informing him that I
+required a machine that would run with smooth progressiveness, precisely
+similar to those I beheld in motion around me. To which he replied that
+I must not expect to be able to ride <i>impromptu</i> as well as individuals
+who had only mastered the accomplishment by long continuity of practice
+and industry.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, man of wily tongue!" I addressed him. "Not thus will you bamboozle
+my supposed simplicity! For if the art were indeed so difficult as you
+pretend, how should it be acquired by so many timid and delicate
+feminines and mere nurselings? This machine of yours is nothing but an
+obsolete <i>hors de combat</i> with which it is not humanly possible to work
+the oracle!"</p>
+
+<p>At which, waxing with indignation, he leaped upon it, and to my
+surprise, did easily propel it in whatsoever direction he pleased, and
+its motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest;
+so, beguiled by his representations that, under his instructions, I
+should speedily become a <i>chef-d'&oelig;uvre</i>, I once more suffered myself
+to mount the machine; but whether from superabundant energy of my
+foot-paddling, or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of a
+precipitous slope, I was
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40"></a></span> soon horrified at finding that my instructor
+was stripped out, and I abandoned to the lurch of my Caudine fork!</p>
+
+<p>Oh, my goodness! My heart turns to water at the nude recollection of
+such an unparalleled predicament, for the now unrestrained bicycle
+<i>vires acquirit eundo</i>, and in seven-league boots! While I, wet as a
+clout with anxiety and perspiration, did grasp the handles like the
+horns of a dilemma, calling out in agonised accents to the
+bystanders,&mdash;"Help! I am running away with myself! Half a rupee for my
+life-preserver!"</p>
+
+<p>But they were all as if to burst with laughter, and none had the
+ordinary heroism to intervene, and I with ever increasing rapidity was
+borne helplessly down the declivity towards the gates of Hyde Park
+Corner, when, by the benevolence of Providence, the anterior wheel ran
+under a railing, and I flew off like a tangent into the comparative
+security of a mud-barrow!</p>
+
+<p>On my return and solicitous inquiry for my fur-lined overcoat, I had the
+further shock to discover that it was <i>solvitur ambulando</i>!</p>
+
+<p>After such a shuddering experience and narrow squeak of my safety, I
+confidently appeal to the authorities to extinguish this highly
+dangerous and foolhardy sort of so-called amusement, or at the very
+least to issue paternal orders that, in future, no one shall be
+permitted to ride upon any bicycle possessing
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41"></a></span>less than three wheels,
+or guilty of a greater celerity than three (or four) miles per hour.</p>
+
+<p>The fair Miss <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> amended this proposal by suggesting that the
+Public should be restricted at once to perambulators; but this is,
+perhaps, <i>majori cautel&acirc;</i>, and an instance of the over-solicitude of the
+female intellect, for it is not feasible to treat an adult, who has
+assumed the <i>toga virilis</i> and tall hat, as if he was still mewling and
+puking in a tucker and bib.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">The</span> dialoquial form is now become an indispensible <i>factotum</i> in
+periodical literature, and so, like a <i>brebis de Panurge</i>, I shall
+follow the fashion occasionally,&mdash;though with rather more obedience to a
+literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors in <i>Punch</i>
+have thought worth to practise.</p>
+
+<p>Time: the other morning. Scene: the breakfast table at Porticobello
+House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself and other select boarders engaged in
+masticating fowl eggs with their concomitant bacon, while intelligently
+discussing topical subjects (for we carry out the poetical recipe of
+"Plain thinking and high living").</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Jessimina</i> (<i>at the table-head</i>). The papers seem eloquent in
+laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I should
+like to go if I had anyone to take me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Wylie</i> (<i>stingily</i>). And I would be enraptured at so tip-top an
+opportunity, but for circumstance of being stonily broken.</p>
+
+<p class="txtright">[<i>Helps himself to the surviving fowl egg.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Cossetter</i> (<i>in sepulchral tone</i>). Alack!
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43"></a></span> that doctorial
+prescriptions do nill for me such nocturnal jinks; otherwise&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="txtright">[<i>He treats himself to a digestible pill.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>taking a leap into the darkness and deadly breaches</i>). Since
+other gentlemen are not more obsequious in gallantry, I hereby tender
+myself for honour of accompanyist and <i>vade mecum</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Jess.</i> (<i>lowering the silken curtains of her almond-like orbs</i>).
+Oh, really, <span class="smcap">Prince</span>! So <i>very</i> unexpected! I must obtain the expert
+opinion of my Mamma.</p>
+
+<p>Mistress <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> did approve the jaunt on condition of our being
+saddled by a select lady boarder of the name of <span class="smcap">Spink</span> as a <i>tertium
+quid</i> to play at propriety; at which I was internally disgusted, fearing
+she would play the old gooseberry with our <i>t&ecirc;te-&agrave;-t&ecirc;te</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Having arrived at Olympia, we perambulated the bazaar prior to the
+commencement of the shows, and here (after parting with rs. 8 for three
+seats on the balcony) I did bleed more freely still, for Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>
+expressed a passionate longing to possess my profile, snipped out of
+paper by the scissors of a Silhouette, for which I mulcted one shilling
+sterling.</p>
+
+<p>And, after all, although it proved the <i>alter ego</i> and speaking likeness
+of my embossed Bombay cap and golden spectacles, she found the fault
+that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness; not
+reflecting (with feminine
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44"></a></span> imperceptivity) that, the material being
+black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of all
+alike!</p>
+
+<p>Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a
+pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their
+baptismal appellation (another rupee!).</p>
+
+<p>Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing the
+future for a penny in the slit, and Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> worked the oracle
+with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing his optics
+and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce a small paper
+which she opened eagerly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Jess.</i> (<i>after perusal</i>). Only fancy! It says I'm "to marry a dark
+man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What ridiculous
+nonsense! do you not think so, <span class="smcap">Prince</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>with a tender sauciness</i>). Poet <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> asserts there are
+more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. I am not a
+superstitious&mdash;and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly
+through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a worshipful adorer who
+might be described as dark, and to whose native land it is a long
+journey?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Jess.</i> (<i>with the complexion of a tomato</i>). It's time we took our
+seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly!</p>
+
+<p>It is notorious that the English female
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45"></a></span> vocabulary contains no more
+caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I
+repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious
+appreciation.</p>
+
+<p>Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnificent, though the
+introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great prevalence of
+the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, nor do I see the
+rationality of engaging a <i>sais</i> in topped boots to attend upon each
+machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of its belonging to the
+equine genus, since it can never become the similitude of a horse in
+mettlesome vivacity.</p>
+
+<p>My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the
+extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of a
+huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from scientific
+considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of gravitation, it
+was not possible for any rider to become a loser of his equilibrium&mdash;lo
+and behold! two of the competitors made the <i>facilis descensus</i>, and
+were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a calamity.</p>
+
+<p>But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable to
+hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital organs.
+Still, I cannot approve of these bicycle contentions, which are
+veritable provocative flights at the providential features.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>After the termination I conducted my <i>prot&eacute;g&eacute;es</i> to the Palmarium, where
+we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a neat-handed
+Phyllis in the uniform of a house-maid intermixed with a hospital nurse.</p>
+
+<p>Here occurred a most discomposing <i>contretemps</i>, for presently Miss
+<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> uttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding
+herself and Miss <span class="smcap">Spink</span> with the brazen eyes of a sheep, and even making
+personal comments on my nationality, which rendered me like toad under a
+harrow with burning indignation.</p>
+
+<p>At length, being utterly beside myself with rage, I summoned one of the
+Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, being
+met with a smiling "<i>Nolo Episcopari</i>." So, entreating my companions not
+to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands, I went in search
+of a policeman.</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to
+understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal
+opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear to
+my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p47'></a>
+<img src="images/p47.jpg" width="505" height="700" alt="With a large, stout constable.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had the
+mortification to discover that the two impolite strangers had departed,
+and that Misses <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> and <span class="smcap">Spink</span> were similarly imperceptible.</p>
+
+<p>However, after prolonged search and mental
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49"></a></span> anxiety, I returned alone,
+and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety; and
+hearing that the two strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms
+of an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaintances.</p>
+
+<p>Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute my design of assault
+and battery, more especially as I am the happy receiver of many handsome
+compliments on all sides upon the tactfulness and <i>savoir faire</i> with
+which I extricated myself from my shocking fix.</p>
+
+<p>At which my countenance beams with the shiny resplendency of
+self-satisfaction.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a Whale.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I am</span> this week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck occurring
+to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the addressing
+of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of Hon'ble <i>Punch</i>, calling
+attention to the great copiousness of my literary out-put, and the
+ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money on account.
+On which, by returning post, my parched soul was reinvigorated by the
+refreshing draught of a <i>draft</i> (if I may be permitted the rather
+facetious <i>jeu de mots</i>) payable to my order.</p>
+
+<p>So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast upon
+the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the improved
+form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the bank on which my
+cheque was drafted, and requested the bankers behind the counter to
+honour it with the equivalent in filthy lucres, which they did with
+obsequious alacrity.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p51'></a>
+<img src="images/p51.jpg" width="575" height="700" alt="Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>After closely inspecting the notes to satisfy myself that I had not been
+imposed upon by meretricious counterfeits, I emerged with a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53"></a></span> beaming
+and joyful countenance, stowing the needful away carefully in an
+interior pocket, and, on descending the bank step, was accosted by a
+polite, agreeable stranger, who, begging my pardon with profusion,
+inquired whether he had not had the honour of voyaging from India with
+me in the&mdash;the&mdash;for his life he could not recall the name of the
+ship&mdash;he should forget his own name presently!</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed," I answered him, "I cannot remember having the felicity of an
+encounter with you upon the <i>Kaisar-i-Hind</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The Stranger: "To be sure; that <i>was</i> the name! A truly magnificent
+vessel! I forget names&mdash;but faces, never! And yours I remember from the
+striking resemblance to my dear friend, the Maharajah of Bahanap&uacute;r&mdash;you
+know him?&mdash;a very elegant young, handsome chap. A splendid <i>Shikarri</i>! I
+was often on the verge of asking if you were related; but being then but
+a second-class passenger, and under an impecunious cloud, did not dare
+to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to decease of
+wealthy uncle, I can address you without the mortifying fear of
+misconstruction."</p>
+
+<p>So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with the
+Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform him that I,
+too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn the princely
+instalment of a salary
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54"></a></span> for jots and tittles contributed to periodical
+<i>Punch</i>. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing high
+appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the
+miserable paucity of my <i>honorarium</i>, saying he was thick as a thief
+with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a
+greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap at a
+Jew's eye.</p>
+
+<p>And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of
+tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at his expense; to
+which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, simple fellow, inflated by
+sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, contrary to my normal habitude,
+his offer of a brandy panee, or an old Tom.</p>
+
+<p>While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, like
+most globular trotters, he had not been long enough in the country to be
+accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so happened, was an
+early acquaintance of my companion, though separated by the old lang
+sign of a longinquity. What followed I shall render in a dialogue form.</p>
+
+<p>The Third party: Why, <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>, you have a prosperous appearance,
+<span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity of a
+churched mouse. Have you made your fortune, <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Tomkins.</i> I am too easy a goer, and there
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55"></a></span> are too many rogues in
+the world, that I should ever make my own fortune, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>! Happily for
+me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately departed to
+reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside the dream of
+an avaricious!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Johnson</i> (<i>enviously</i>). God bless my soul! Some folks have the good
+luck. (<i>To me, whispering.</i>) A poor ninny-hammer sort of chap, he will
+soon throw it away on drakes and ducks! (<i>Aloud, to</i> Mr <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>.)
+Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> (<i>in a tone of dolesomeness</i>). The heart knoweth where the shoe
+pinches it, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique and
+eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition commanding
+me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three calendered months
+from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed ten thousand pounds
+amongst young deserving foreigners. To-morrow time is up, and I have
+still a thousand pounds to give away! But how to discover genuine young
+deserving foreigners in so short a space? Truly, I go in fear of losing
+the whole!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> Let me act as your <i>budli</i> in this and distribute the remaining
+thousand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> From what I remember of you as a youth, I cannot wholly rely on
+your discretion. Rather would I place my confidence in this gentleman.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56"></a></span></p>
+
+<p class="txtright">[<i>Indicating myself, who turned orange with pleasure.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> Indeed? And how know you that he may not adhere to the entire
+thousand?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> And if he does, it is no matter, if he is a genuine deserving. I
+can give the whole to him if I am so minded, and he need not give away a
+penny of it unless inclined.</p>
+
+<p class="txtright">[<i>At which I was fit to dance with delight.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> I deny that you possess the power, seeing that he is a British
+subject, and as such cannot be styled a "foreigner."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> There you have mooted a knotty point indeed. Alas, that we have
+no forensic big-wig here to decide it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>modestly</i>). As a native poor student of English law, I
+venture to think that, by dint of my legal attainments, I shall be
+enabled to crack the Gordian nut. I am distinctly of opinion that an
+individual born of dusky parents in a tropical climate <i>is</i> a foreigner,
+in the eye of British prejudice, and within the meaning of the testator.
+[<i>And here I maintained my assertion by a logomachy of such brilliancy
+and erudition that I completely convinced the minds of both auditors.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> (<i>grumblingly, to</i> Mr <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>). Assuming he is correct, why
+favour <i>him</i> more than <i>me</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> Because instinct informs me that a gentleman with such a face as
+his&mdash;however
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57"></a></span> dusky&mdash;may be trusted, and with the untold gold!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> (<i>jealously</i>). And I am not to be trusted! If you were to hand
+me your <i>portemonnaie</i> now, full of notes and gold, and let me walk into
+the street with it, do you doubt that I should return? Speak, <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> Assuredly not; but so, too, would this gentleman. (<i>To me, as
+</i>Mr <span class="smcap">Johnson</span><i> sneered a doubt</i>.) Here, you, Sir, take this <i>portemonnaie</i>
+out into the street for five minutes or so, I trust to your honour to
+return it intact. (<i>After I had emerged triumphantly from this severe
+ordeal of my</i> bon&acirc; fide.) Aha, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>! am I the judge of men or not?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> (<i>still seeking, as I could see, to undermine me in his friend's
+favour</i>). Pish! Who would steal a paltry &pound;50 and lose &pound;1000? If I had so
+much to give away, I should wish to be sure that the party I was about
+to endow had corresponding confidence in <i>me</i>. Now, though I have always
+considered you as a dull, I know you to be strictly honest, and would
+trust you with all I possess. In proof of which, take these two golden
+sovereigns and few shillings outside. Stay away as long as you desire.
+You will return, I know you well!</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>penetrating this shallow artifice, and hoisting the
+engine-driver on his own petard</i>). Who would not risk a paltry &pound;2 to
+gain &pound;1000? Oh, a magnificent confidence, truly!
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58"></a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> (<i>to me</i>). Have you the ordinary manly pluck to act likewise? If
+you are expecting him to trust you with the pot of money, he has a right
+to expect to be trusted in return. That is logic!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr T.</i> (<i>mildly</i>). No, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>, you are too
+hasty, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>. The cases
+are different. I can understand the gentleman's very natural hesitation.
+I do not ask him to show his confidence in me&mdash;enough that I feel I can
+trust <i>him</i>. If he doubts my honesty, I shall think no worse of him;
+whichever way I decide eventually.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Here, terrified lest by hesitation I had wounded him at
+his quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust
+the thousand pounds to </i>Mr <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>, <i>I hastily produced all
+the specie and bullion I had upon me, including a valuable
+large golden chronometer and chain of best English make, and
+besought him to go into the outer air for a while with them,
+which, after repeated refusals, he at last consented to do,
+leaving </i>Myself<i> and </i>Mr <span class="smcap">Johnson</span><i> to wait</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Mr J.</i> (<i>after tedious lapse of ten minutes</i>). Strange! I expected him
+back before this. But he is an absent-minded, chuckle-headed chap. Very
+likely he is staring at a downfallen horse and has forgotten this
+affair. I had better go in search of him. What? you will
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59"></a></span> come, too.
+Capital! Then if you go to the right, and I to the left, we cannot miss
+him!</p>
+
+<p>But, alack! we did; and, in a short time, both Misters were invisible to
+the nude eye, nor have I heard from them since. Certain of my
+fellow-boarders, on hearing the matter, declared that I had been diddled
+by a bamboozle-trick; but it is egregiously absurd that my puissance in
+knowledge of the world should have been so much at fault; and, moreover,
+why should one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my
+paltry possessions? It is much more probable that they are still
+diligently seeking for me, having omitted, owing to hurry of moment, to
+ascertain my name and address; and I hereby request Mr <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span>, on
+reading this, to forward the thousand pounds (or so much thereof as in
+his munificent generosity he may deem sufficient) to me at Porticobello
+House, Ladbroke Grove, W., or care of his friend, the Editor of <i>Punch</i>,
+by whom it will (I am sure) be honourably handed over intact.</p>
+
+<p>Nor need Mr <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span> fear my reproaches for his dilatoriness, for there
+is a somewhat musty proverb that "Procrastination is preferable to
+Neverness."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Miss Spink</span> (whom I have mentioned <i>supra</i> as a feminine inmate of
+Porticobello House) is <i>in additum</i> a member of a Debating Female
+Society, which assembles once a week in various private Westbourne Grove
+parlours, for argumentative intercourse.</p>
+
+<p>So, she expressing an anxious desire that I should attend one of these
+conclaves, I consented, on ascertaining that I should be afforded the
+opportunity of parading the gab with which I have been gifted in an
+extemporised allocution.</p>
+
+<p>On the appointed evening I directed my steps, under the guidance of the
+said Miss <span class="smcap">Spink</span>, to a certain imposing stucco residence hard by, wherein
+were an assortment of female women conversing with vivacious garrulity,
+in a delicious atmosphere of tea, coffee, and buttered bread.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p61'></a>
+<img src="images/p61.jpg" width="328" height="700" alt="A weedy, tall male gentleman.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"A WEEDY, TALL MALE GENTLEMAN."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>After having partaken freely of these comestibles, we made the
+adjournment to a luxuriously upholstered parlour, circled with
+plush-seated chairs and adorned with countless mirrors, and there we
+began to beg the question at issue, to-whit, "<i>To what extent has Ibsen (if </i>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63"></a></span><i>any) contributed
+towards the cause of Female Emancipation?</i>"
+which was opened by a weedy, tall male gentleman, with a lofty and a
+shining forehead, and round, owlish spectacle-glasses. He read a very
+voluminous paper, from which I learnt that <span class="smcap">Ibsen</span> was the writer of
+innumerable new-fangled dramas of very problematical intentions,
+exposing the hollow conventionalisms of all established social usages,
+especially in the matrimonial department.</p>
+
+<p>When he had ceased there was a universal and unanimous silence, due to
+uncontrollable female bashfulness, for the duration of several minutes,
+until the chairwoman exhorted someone to have the courage of her
+opinions. And the ice being once fractured, one Amurath succeeded
+another in disjointed commentaries, plucking crows in the teeth of the
+assertions of the Hon'ble Opener and of their precursors, and resumed
+their seats with abrupt precipitancy, stating that they had no further
+remarks to make.</p>
+
+<p>Then ensued another interim of golden "Silence and slow Time," as Poet
+<span class="smcap">Keats</span> says, which was as if to become Sempiternity, had not I, rushing
+in where the angels were in fear of slipping up, caught the Speaker in
+the eye, and tipped the wink of my <i>caco&euml;thes loquendi</i>.</p>
+
+<p>To prevent disappointment, I shall report my harangue with verbose
+accuracy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>assuming a perpendicular attitude, </i>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64"></a></span><i>inserting one hand among
+my vest buttons, and waving the other with a graceful affability</i>).
+"<span class="smcap">Hon'ble Miss Chairwoman, Madams, Misses, and Hon'ble Mister Opener</span>, the
+humble individual now palpitating on his limbs before you is a denizen
+from a land whose benighted, ignorant inhabitants are accustomed to
+treat the females of their species as small fry and fiddle faddle. Yes,
+Madams and Misses, in India the woman is forbidden to eat except in the
+severest solitude, and after her lord and master has surfeited his pangs
+of hunger; she may not make the briefest outdoor excursion without
+permission, and then solely in a covered <i>palkee</i>, or the hermetically
+sealed interior of a blinded carriage. (<i>Cries of 'Shame.'</i>) In the
+Zenana, she is restricted to the occupation of puerile gossipings, or
+listening to apocryphal fairy tales of so scandalising an impropriety
+that I shrink to pollute my ears by the repetition even of the tit-bits.
+(<i>Subdued groans.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>"Such being the case, you can imagine the astonishment and gratification
+I have experienced here this evening at the intelligence and forwardness
+manifested by so many effeminate intellects. (<i>A flattered rustle and
+prolonged simpering.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>"The late respectable Dr <span class="smcap">Ben Johnson</span>, gifted author of <i>Boswell's
+Biography</i> (<i>applause</i>), once rather humorously remarked, on witnessing
+a nautch performed by canine quadrupeds, that&mdash;although
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65"></a></span>their
+choreographical abilities were of but a mediocre nature&mdash;the wonderment
+was that they should be capable at all to execute such a hind-legged
+feat and <i>tour de force</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Similarly, it is to me a gaping marvel that womanish tongues should
+hold forth upon subjects which are naturally far outside the radius of
+their comprehensions.</p>
+
+<p>"The subject for our discursiveness to-night is, '<i>To what extent has
+Ibsen contributed to the Cause (if any) of Female Emancipation?</i>' and
+being a total ignoramus up to date of the sheer existence of said
+hon'ble gentleman, I shall abstain from scratching my head over so
+Sphinxian a conundrum, and confine myself to knuckling to the obiter
+diction of sundry lady speakers.</p>
+
+<p>"There was a stout full-blown matron, with grey curl-shavings and a
+bonnet and plumage, who declaimed her opinionated conviction that it was
+degrading and <i>infra dig.</i> for any woman to be treated as a doll.
+(<i>Hear, hear.</i>) Well, I would hatch the questionable egg of a doubt
+whether any rationalistic masculine could regard the speaker herself in
+a dollish aspect, and will assure her that in my fatherland every
+cultivated native gentleman would approach her with the cold shoulder of
+apprehensive respectfulness. (<i>The bonneted matron becomes ruddier than
+the cherry with complacency, and fans herself vigorously.</i>)
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Next I shall deal with the tall, meagre female near the fire-hearth, in
+abbreviated hair and a nose-pinch, who set up the claim that her sex
+were in all essentials the equals, if not the superiors, of man. Now,
+without any gairish of words, I will proceed baldly to enumerate various
+important physical differentiations which&mdash;&mdash; (<i>Intervention by Hon'ble
+Chairwoman, reminding me that these were not in disputation.</i>) I bow to
+correction, and kiss the rod by summing up the gist of my argument,
+viz., that it is nonsensical idiotcy to suppose that a woman can be the
+equivalent of a man either in intellectual gripe, in bodily
+robustiousness, or in physical courage. Of the last, I shall afford an
+unanswerable proof from my own person. It is notorious, <i>urbi et orbi</i>,
+that every feminine person will flee in panicstricken dismay from the
+approach of the smallest mouse.</p>
+
+<p>"I am a Bengali, and, as such, profusely endowed with the fugacious
+instinct, and yet, shall I quake in appalling consternation if a mouse
+is to invade my vicinity?</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I shall not; and why? Because, though not racially a
+temerarious, I nevertheless appertain to the masculine sex, and
+consequentially my heart is not capable of contracting at the mere
+aspect of a rodent. This is not to blow the triumphant trumpet of sexual
+superiority, but to prove a simple undenied fact by dint of an <i>a
+fortiori</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Having pulverised my pinched-nose predecessor, I pass on to a speaker
+of a very very opposite personality&mdash;the well-proportioned, beauteous
+maiden with azure starry eyes, gilded hair, and teeth like the seeds of
+a pomegranate (oh, <i>si sic omnes!</i>), who vaunted, in the musical accents
+of a cuckoo, her right to work out her own life, independently of
+masculine companionship or assistance, and declared that the saccharine
+element of courtship and connubiality was but the exploded mask of man's
+tyrannical selfishness.</p>
+
+<p>"Had such shocking sentiments been aired by some of the other lady
+orators in this room, I must facetiously have recalled them to a certain
+fabular fox which criticised the unattainable grapes as too immature to
+merit mastication; but the particular speaker cannot justly be said to
+be on all fours with such an animal. Understand, please, I am no
+prejudiced, narrow-minded chap. I would freely and generously permit
+plainfaced, antiquated, unmarriageable madams and misses to undertake
+the manufacture of their own careers <i>ad nauseam</i>; but when I behold a
+maiden of such excessive pulchritude&mdash;&mdash; (<i>Second intervention by
+Hon'ble Chairwoman desiring me to abstain from personal references.</i>) I
+assure the Hon'ble Miss <span class="smcap">Chairwoman</span> that I was not alluding to herself,
+but since she has spoken in my wheel with such severity, I will conclude
+with my peroration on the subject for debate,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68"></a></span> namely, the theatrical
+dramas of Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Ibsen</span>. When, Madams and Misses, I make the odious
+comparison of these works, with which I am completely unacquainted, to
+the productions of Poet <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, where I may boast the familiarity
+that is a breeder of contempt, I find that, in <i>Hamlet's</i> own words, it
+is the 'Criterion of a Satire,' and I shall assert the unalterable <i>a
+priori</i> of my belief that the melodious Swan of Stony Stratford, whether
+judged by his longitude, his versical blankness, or the profoundly of
+his attainments in Chronology, Theology, Phrenology, Palmistry,
+Metallurgy, Zoography, Nosology, Chiropody, or the Musical Glasses, has
+outnumbered every subsequent contemporary and succumbed them all!"</p>
+
+<p>With this, I sat down, leaving my audience as <i>sotto voce</i> as fishes
+with admiration and amazement at the facundity of my eloquence, and
+should indubitably have been the recipient of innumerable felicitations
+but for the fact that Miss <span class="smcap">Spink</span>, suddenly experiencing sensations of
+insalubriousness, requested me, without delay, to conduct her from the
+assemblage.</p>
+
+<p>I would willingly make a repetition of my visit and rhetorical triumphs,
+only Miss <span class="smcap">Spink</span> informs me that she has recently terminated her
+membership with the above society.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">How he saw the practice of the University Crews, and what he thought of it.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">The</span> notorious Intercollegian Boat-race of this <i>anno Domini</i> will be
+obsolete and <i>ex post facto</i> by the time of publication of the present
+instalment of jots and tittles, still I am sufficiently presumptive to
+think that the cogitations and personal experiences of a cultivated,
+thoughtful native gentleman on this c&oelig;rulean topic may not be found
+so stale and dry as the remainder of a biscuit.</p>
+
+<p>First I will make a clean bosom with the confession that, though
+ardently desirous to witness such a Titianic struggle for the <i>cordon
+bleu</i> of old Father Antic the Thames, I was not the actual spectator of
+the affair, being previously contracted to escort Miss <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> (whose
+wishfulness is equivalent to legislation) to a theatrical matutinal
+performance, which she would in nowise consent to renounce, alleging
+that she had already seen the Boat-race to the verge of satiety, and
+that the spectacle was instantaneous and paltry.</p>
+
+<p>However, on acquainting my kind and patronising father, Hon'ble <i>Punch</i>,
+of my disappointment,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70"></a></span> he did
+benevolently propose, as a <i>pis aller</i> and
+blind bargain, a voyage in the steam launch-boat of the official
+coachman of one of the crews so that I might ascertain how the trick was
+done.</p>
+
+<p>And at 10 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span> on the day of assignation I presented myself at the
+riparian premises of a certain Boating Society, and, on exhibiting my
+letter of credit to the Mentor or Corypheus aforesaid, was received <i>&agrave;
+bras ouverts</i> and with an urbane offhandedness.</p>
+
+<p>After I had hung fire and cooled my heels on the banks for a while, I
+was instructed to enter a skiff, which conveyed me and others to a
+steamship of very meagre dimensions, whereupon owing to the heel of one
+of my Japan leather shoes becoming implicated in the wire railing that
+circumvented the desk, I was embarked in a horizontal attitude, and
+severely deteriorated the tall chimneypot hat which I had assumed to do
+credit to the hon'ble periodical I represented. (<i>Nota bene.</i> Hatmaker's
+bill for renovating same, 2 rupees 8 annas&mdash;which those to whom it is of
+concern will please attend to and refund.)</p>
+
+<p>On recovery of my head-gear and equanimity, I stationed myself in close
+proximity to the officiating coach for purpose of being on the threshold
+of inquiries, and proceeded to pop numerous questions to my neighbours.
+I ascertained, among other things, that the vessels are
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71"></a></span> called
+"eights," owing to their containing nine passengers; that the ninth is
+called the "cock," and is a mere supernumerary or understudent, in case
+any member of the crew should be overcome by sickishness during the
+contest and desire to discontinue.</p>
+
+<p>It appears that the race is of religious and ceremonious origin, for
+only "good men" are permitted to compete, and none who is a wine
+drunkard, a gluttonous, or addicted to any form of tobacco. Moreover,
+they are to observe a strict fast and abstinence for many weeks previous
+to the ordeal. The most prominent ecclesiastics and Judges of the
+Supreme Courts are usually chosen from this class of individuals, which
+is a further proof of the sanctimoniousness attached to the competition.</p>
+
+<p>Consequently I was the more surprised at the disrespectful
+superciliousness of their <i>Fidus Achates</i> or dry nurse, who, stretching
+himself upon his stomach in the prow, did shout counsels of perfection
+at his receding pupils.</p>
+
+<p>Such criticisms as I overheard, seemed to me of a very puerile and
+captious description, and some of an opprobrious personality, <i>e.g.</i>, as
+when a certain oarman was taunted with being short&mdash;as though he were
+capable of adding the cubic inch to his stature!</p>
+
+<p>Another I heard advised to keep his visual organs in the interior of the
+boat, though, being
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72"></a></span> ordinary optics and not at all of a vitreous
+composition, they could not be removable by volition. Again, a third was
+reproached because of the lateness with which he had made his beginning;
+but, as it was not asserted that he was inferior to the rest, the
+tardiness of his initiation was surely rather honourable than
+disgraceful!</p>
+
+<p>I observed that said trainer did stickle almost prudishly for propriety,
+being greatly shocked at the levity with which the rowers were attired
+and entreating them to keep their buttons well up, though indeed I could
+discern none, nor was there much which was humanly possible to be
+buttoned.</p>
+
+<p>For myself, I must make the humble complaint that the Hon'ble Coach was
+defective in courteous attention to my inquisitiveness, which he totally
+ignored. For I could not prevail upon him to explain what thing it was
+that he directed the oarmen to "wait for," to "spring at from a
+stretcher," and "catch at the beginning;" nor why they were forbidden to
+row with their hands, not being quadrumanous, and able to employ their
+feet in such a manner; nor whether when he commanded them to "get in at
+once," he intended them to leap into the waters or to return to the
+landing-place, nor why they did neither of these things; nor why he
+should express satisfaction that a certain rower had got rid of a lofty
+feather, which <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73"></a></span> would
+indubitably have added to the showiness of his appearance.</p>
+
+<p>Again, hearing him anxiously inquire the time after a stoppage, I was
+proceeding to explain how gladly I would have given him such
+information, but for the unavoidable absence of my golden chronometer, owing
+to the failure of Misters <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span> and <span class="smcap">Johnson</span> to restore the same,
+whereupon he treated me in such a "please-go-away-and-die" sort of style
+that I subsided with utmost alacrity.</p>
+
+<p>On the return voyage the Collegiate eight was challenged to a spurting
+match by a scratched crew, which appeared to me to be the superior in
+velocity, though it seemed it was then too late to make the happy
+exchange.</p>
+
+<p>When the practice was at an end and the Blues in a state of quiescence,
+I intimated my desire to harangue them and express my wonderment and
+admiration at beholding them content to suffer such hardships and perils
+and faultfinding without expostulation or excuses for their
+shortcomings, and all for no pecuniary recompense, but the evasive
+reward of a <i>nominis umbra</i>. And I would have reminded them of the
+extended popularity of their performance, and that it was an unfairness
+to muzzle the ox that treadeth upon one's corn, appealing to them to
+stand up for their rights, and refuse to compete
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74"></a></span>except for the
+honorarium of a <i>quid pro quo</i>.</p>
+
+<p>But the official instructor, seeing me about to climb upon the poop, to
+deliver my oration, entreated me with so much earnestness to desist that
+I became immediately aphonous.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="X" id="X"></a>X</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">A young</span> sprightly Londoner acquaintance of mine, who is a member of a
+Sportish Club where exhibitions of fisticuffs are periodically given,
+did generously invite me on a recent Monday evening to be the
+eye-witness of this gladiatorial spectacle.</p>
+
+<p>And, though not constitutionally bellicose, I eagerly accepted his
+invitation on being assured that I should not be requisitioned to take
+part personally in such pugilistic exercises, and should observe same
+from a safe distance and coign of vantage, for I am sufficiently a lover
+of sportfulness to appreciate highly the sight of courage and science in
+third parties.</p>
+
+<p>So he conducted me to the Club-house, and by the open sesame of a ticket
+enabled me to penetrate the barrier, after which I followed his wake
+downstairs, through rooms full of smoking and conversing sportlovers
+mostly in festal attire, to a long and lofty hall with balconies and a
+stage at the further end with foliage painted in imitation of a forest,
+which was tenanted by press reporters.</p>
+
+<p>The centre of the hall was monopolised by a white square platform
+confined by a circumambience
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a></span> of rope, which I was informed was the
+veritable theatre of war and cockpit.</p>
+
+<p>Presently two hobbardyhoys made the ascent of this platform with their
+attendant myrmidons, and did proceed to remove their trouserings and
+coats until they were in the state of nature with the exception of a
+loincloth, whereupon the President or Master of the Ceremonies
+introduced them and their respective partisans by name to the
+assemblage, stating their precise ponderability, and that these juvenile
+antagonists were fraternally related by ties of brotherhood.</p>
+
+<p>At which I was revolted, for it is against nature and <i>contra bonos
+mores</i> that relations should be egged on into family jars, nor can such
+proceedings tend to promote the happiness and domesticity of their home
+circle. However, on such occasion when the youths were in danger of
+inflicting corporal injuries upon each other, the President called out
+"Time" in such reproving tones that they hung their heads in
+shamefulness and desisted. And at length they were persuaded into a
+pacification, and made the <i>amende honorable</i> by shaking each other by
+the hand, whereat I was rejoiced, for, as Poet <span class="smcap">Watt</span> says, "Birds which
+are in little nests should refrain from falling out."</p>
+
+<p>The victory was adjudged to the elder brother&mdash;in obedience, I suppose,
+to the rule of Primogeniture, for he did not succeed in reducing his
+opponent to a <i>hors de combat</i>.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Next came a more bustling encounter between Misters <span class="smcap">Bill Husband</span> and
+<span class="smcap">Mysterious Smith</span>, which was protracted to the duration of eight rounds.
+I was largely under the impression that Mister <span class="smcap">Husband</span> was to win, owing
+to the acclamations he received, and the excessive agility with which he
+removed his head from vicinity of the blows of Mister <span class="smcap">Mysterious Smith</span>.</p>
+
+<p>It was truly magnificent to see how they did embrace each other by the
+neck, and the wonderment and suspicion in their glances when one
+discovered that he was resting his chin upon the padded hand of his
+adversary, and from time to time the Hon'ble Chairman was heard ordering
+them to "break away," and "not to hold," or requesting us to refrain
+from any remarks. And at intervals they retired to sit upon chairs in
+opposing corners, where they rinsed their mouths, and were severely
+fanned by their bearers, who agitated a large towel after the manner of
+a punkah. But, in the end, it was Mysterious Mister <span class="smcap">Smith</span> who hit the
+right nail on the head, and was declared the conquering hero, though
+once more I was incapacitated to discover in what precise respects he
+was the <i>facile princeps</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Around the hall there were placards announcing that smoking was
+respectfully prohibited, and the President did repeatedly entreat
+members of the audience to refrain from blowing a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78"></a></span> cloud, assuring them
+that the perfume of tobacco was noxious and disgustful to the
+combatants, and threatening to mention disobedient tobacconists by name.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon most did desist; but some, secreting their cigars in the
+hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find it
+<a name="flame">flame</a>; while others, who were such grandees and big pots that their own
+convenience was the first and foremost desideratum, continued to smoke
+with lordliness and indifference.</p>
+
+<p>And I am an approver of such conduct&mdash;for it is unreasonable that a
+well-bred, genteel sort of individual should make the total sacrifice of
+a cigar, for which he has perhaps paid as much as two or even four
+annas, out of consideration for insignificant common chaps hired to
+engage in snipsnaps for his entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>The last competition was to be the <i>bonne bouche</i> and <i>pi&egrave;ce de
+r&eacute;sistance</i> of the evening, consisting of a rumpus in twenty rounds
+between Misters <span class="smcap">Tom Tracy</span> of Australia, and <span class="smcap">Tommy Williams</span>,
+from the same hemisphere, at which I was on the tiptoe of expectation.</p>
+
+<p>But, although they commenced with dancing activity, one of the <span class="smcap">Toms</span> in
+the very first round sparred the other under the chin with such
+superabundant energy that he immediately became a recumbent for a
+lengthy period, and, on being elevated to a chair, only recaptured
+sufficient consciousness to abandon the sponge.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>And then, to my chapfallen disappointment, the Chairman announced that
+he was very sorry and could not help it, but that was the concluding box
+of the evening.</p>
+
+<p>I will reluctantly confess that, on the whole, I found the proceedings
+lacking in sensationality, since they were of very limited duration, and
+totally devoid of bloodshed, or any danger to the life and limb of the
+performers. For it is not reasonably possible for a combatant to make a
+palpable hit when his hands are, as it were, muzzled, being cabined,
+cribbed, and confined in padded soft gloves. I am not a squeamish in
+such cases, and I must respectfully submit that the Cause of True Sport
+can only be hampered by such nursery and puerile restrictions, for none
+can expect to compound an omelette without the fracture of eggs.</p>
+
+<p>Upon remarking as above to my young lively friend, he assured me that
+even a gloved hand was competent to produce facial disfigurement and tap
+the vital fluid, and offered to demonstrate the truth of his statement
+if I would be the partaker with him in a glove-box.</p>
+
+<p>But, though doubting the authenticity of his assertions, I thought it
+prudential to decline the proof of the pudding, and so took a
+precipitate leave of him with profuse thanks for his unparagoned
+kindness, and many promises to put on the gloves with him at the first
+convenient opportunity.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">It</span> is an indubitable fact that the discovery of steam is the most
+marvellous invention of the century. For had it been predicted
+beforehand that innumerable millions of human beings would be
+transported with security at a headlong speed for hundreds of miles
+along a ferruginous track, the most temporary deviation from which would
+produce the inevitable cataclysm and no end of a smash, the working
+majority would have expressed their candid opinion of such rhodomontade
+by cocking the contemptuous snook of incredulity.</p>
+
+<p>And yet it is now the highly accomplished fact and matter of course!</p>
+
+<p>Still, I shall venture to express the opinion that the pleasurability of
+such railway journeys is largely dependent upon the person who may be
+our travelling companion, and that some of the companies are not quite
+careful enough in the exclusion of undesirable fellow-passengers. In
+proof of which I now beg to submit an exemplary instance from personal
+experience.</p>
+
+<p>I was recently the payer of a ceremonial visit to a friend of my
+boyhood, namely, <span class="smcap">Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram</span>,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83"></a></span>
+with whom, finding him at
+home in his lodgings in a distant suburb, I did hold politely
+affectionate intercourse for the space of two hours, and then departed,
+as I had come, by train, and the sole occupant of a second-class dual
+compartment divided by a low partition.</p>
+
+<p>At the next station the adjoining compartment was suddenly invaded by a
+portly female of the matronly type, with a rubicund countenance and a
+bonnet in a dismantled and lopsided condition, who was bundled through
+the doorway by the impetuosity of a porter, and occupied a seat in
+immediate opposition to myself.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p81'></a>
+<img src="images/p81.jpg" width="439" height="700" alt="A beaming simper of indescribable suavity.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"A BEAMING SIMPER OF INDESCRIBABLE SUAVITY."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>When the train resumed its motion, I observed that she was contemplating
+me with a beaming simper of indescribable suavity, and though she was of
+an unornamental exterior and many years my superior, I constrained
+myself from motives of merest politeness to do some simperings in
+return, since only a churlish would grudge such an economical and
+inexpensive civility.</p>
+
+<p>But whether she was of an unusually ardent temperament, or whether,
+against my volition, I had invested my simper with an irresistible
+winsomeness, I cannot tell; but she fell to making nods and becks and
+wreathed smiles which reduced me to crimsoned sheepishness, and the
+necessity of looking earnestly out of window at vacancy.</p>
+
+<p>At this she entreated me passionately not to
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84"></a></span> be unkind, inviting me to
+cross to the next compartment and seat myself by her side; but I did
+nill this invitation politely, urging that Company's bye-laws
+countermanded the placing of boots upon the seat-cushions, and my utter
+inability to pose as a <i>Romeo</i> to scale the barrier.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon to my lively horror and amazement, she did exclaim, "Then I
+will come to <i>you</i>, darling!" and commenced to scramble precipitately
+towards me over the partition!</p>
+
+<p>At which I was in the blue funk, perceiving the <i>arcanum</i> of her design
+to embrace me, and resolved to leave no stone unturned for the
+preservation of my bacon. So, at the moment she made the entrance into
+my compartment, I did simultaneously hop the twig into the next, and she
+followed in pursuit, and I once more achieved the return with
+inconceivable agility.</p>
+
+<p>Then, as we were both, like <i>Hamlet</i>, fat and short of breath, I
+addressed her gaspingly across the barrier, assuring her that it was as
+if to milk the ram to set her bonnet at a poor young native chap who
+regarded her with nothing but platonical esteem, and advising her to sit
+down for the recovery of her wind.</p>
+
+<p>But alack! this speech only operated to inspire her with <i>spret&aelig; injuria
+form&aelig;</i>, and flourishing a large stalwart umbrella, she exclaimed that
+she would teach me how to insult a lady.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>After that she came floundering once again over the partition, and
+guarding my loins, I leapt into the next compartment, seeing the affair
+had become a <i>sauve qui peut</i>, and devil take the hindmost: and at the
+nick of time, when she was about to descend like a wolf on a fold, I
+most fortunately perceived a bell-handle provided for such pressing
+emergencies and rung it with such unparalleled energy, that the train
+immediately became stationary.</p>
+
+<p>Then, as my female persecutress alighted on the floor of the compartment
+in the limp condition of a collapse, I stepped across to my original
+seat, and endeavoured to look as if with withers unwrung. Presently the
+Guard appeared, and what followed I can best render in the dramatical
+form of a dialogue:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Guard</i> (<i>addressing the </i>Elderly Female, <i>who is sitting smiling with
+vacuity beneath the bell-pull</i>). So it is you who have sounded the
+alarm! What is it all about?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Elderly Female</i> (<i>with warm indignation</i>). Me? I never did! I am
+too much of the lady. It was that young coloured gentleman in the next
+compartment.</p>
+
+<p class="txtright">[<i>At which the tip of my nose goes down with apprehensiveness</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Guard.</i> Indeed! A likely story! How could the gentleman ring this
+bell from where he is?</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>with mental presence</i>). Well said,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86"></a></span> Mister <span class="smcap">Guard</span>!
+The thing is not humanly possible. <i>Rem acu tetigisti!</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Guard.</i> I do not understand Indian, Sir. If you have anything to
+say about this affair, you had better say it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>combining discretion with magnanimousness</i>). As a chivalrous,
+I must decline to bring any accusation against a member of the weaker
+sex, and my tongue is hermetically sealed.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Eld. F.</i> It was <i>him</i> who rang the alarm, and not me. He was in
+this compartment, and I in that.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Guard.</i> What? have you been playing at Hide-and-seek together,
+then? But if your story is watertight, he must have rung the bell in a
+state of abject bodily terror, owing to your chivying him about!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Eld. F.</i> It is false! I have been well educated, and belong to an
+excellent family. I merely wanted to kiss him.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Guard.</i> I see what is your complaint. You have been imbibing the
+drop too much and will hear of this from the Company. I must trouble
+you, Mam, for your correct name and address.</p>
+
+<p><i>Myself</i> (<i>after he had obtained this and was departing</i>). Mister Guard,
+I do most earnestly entreat you not to abandon me to the tender mercies
+of this feminine. I am not a proficient in physical courage, and have no
+desire to test
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87"></a></span> the
+correctness of Poet <span class="smcap">Pope's</span> assertion, that Hell does
+not possess the fury of a scorned woman. I request to be conducted into
+a better-populated compartment.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Guard</i> (<i>with complimentary jocosity</i>). Ah, such young good-looking
+chaps as you ought to go about in a veil. Come with me, and I'll put you
+into a smoker-carriage. You won't be run after there!</p>
+
+<p>So the incident was closed, and I did greatly compliment myself upon the
+sagacity and coolness of head with which I extricated myself from my
+pretty kettle of fish. For to have denounced myself as the real alarmist
+would have rendered the affair more, rather than less, discreditable to
+my feminine companion, and I should have been arraigned before the
+solemn bar of a police-court magistrate, who might even have made a Star
+Chamber matter of the incident.</p>
+
+<p>All is well that is well over, but when you have been once bitten, you
+become doubly bashful. Consequently, this humble self will take care
+that he does not on any subsequent occasion travel alone in a railway
+compartment with a female woman.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>XII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Diligent</span> perusers of my lucubrations to <i>Punch</i> will remember that I
+have devoted sundry jots and tittles to the subject of Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina
+Mankletow</span>, and already may have concluded that I was long since up to
+the hilt in the tender passion. In this deduction, however, they would
+have manufactured a stentorian cry from an extreme paucity of wool; the
+actual fact being that, although percipient of the well-proportionate
+symmetry of her person and the ladylike liveliness of her deportment, I
+did never regard her except with eyes of strictly platonic philandering
+and calf love.</p>
+
+<p>It is true that, at certain seasons, the ostentatious favours she would
+squander upon other young masculine boarders in my presence did reduce
+me to the doleful dump of despair, so that even the birds and beasts of
+forest shed tears at my misery, and frequently at meal-times I have
+sought to move her to compassion by neighing like horse, or by the
+incessant rolling of my visual organs; though she did only attribute
+such <i>ad misericordiam</i> appeals to the excessive gravity of the cheese,
+or the immaturity of the rhubarb pie.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>But I was then a labourer under the impression that I was the odd man
+out of her affections, and it is well known that, to a sensitive, it is
+intolerable to feel that oneself is not the object of adoration, even to
+one to whom we may entertain but a mediocre attraction.</p>
+
+<p>On a recent evening we had a <i>t&ecirc;te-&agrave;-t&ecirc;te</i> which culminated in the utter
+surprise. It was the occasion of our hebdomadal dancing-party at
+Porticobello House, and I had solicited her to become a copartner with
+this unassuming self in the maziness of a waltz; but, not being the
+carpet-knight, and consequently treading the measure with too great
+frequency upon the toes of my fair auxiliary, she suggested a temporary
+withdrawal from circulation.</p>
+
+<p>To which I assenting, she conducted me to a landing whereon was a small
+glazed apartment, screened by hangings and furnished with a profusion of
+unproductive pots, which is styled the conservatory, and here we did sit
+upon two wicker-worked chairs, and for a while were mutually <i>sotto
+voce</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Presently I, remarking with corner of eye the sumptuousness of her
+appearance, and the supercilious indifference of her demeanour, which
+made it seem totally improbable that she should ever, like <i>Desdemona</i>,
+seriously incline to treat me as an <i>Othello</i>, commenced to heave the
+sighs of a fire-stove, causing Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> to accuse me of desiring
+myself in India.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>I denied this with native hyperbolism, saying that I was content to
+remain in <i>statu quo</i> until the doom cracked, and that the conservatory
+was for me the equivalent of Paradise.</p>
+
+<p>She replied that its similitude to Paradise would be more startling if a
+larger proportion of the pots had contained plants, and if such plants
+as there were had not fallen into such a lean and slippered stage of
+decrepitude, adding that she did perpetually urge her mamma to incur the
+expense of some geranium-blooms and a few fairy-lamps, but she had
+refused to run for such adornments.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p91'></a>
+<img src="images/p91.jpg" width="518" height="700" alt="I became once more the silent tomb.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"I BECAME ONCE MORE THE SILENT TOMB."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>And I, with spontaneous gallantry, retorted that she was justified in
+such parsimony, since her daughter's eyes supplied such fairy
+illumination, and upon her cheeks was a bloom brighter than many
+geraniums. But this compliment she unhappily mistook as an insinuation
+that her complexion was of meretricious composition, and seeing that I
+had put my foot into a <i>cul-de-sac</i>, I became once more the silent tomb,
+and exhaled sighs at intervals.</p>
+
+<p>Presently she declared once more that she saw, from the dullness of my
+expression, that I was longing for the luxurious magnificence of my
+Indian palace.</p>
+
+<p>Now my domestic abode, though a respectable spacious sort of residence,
+and containing my father, mother, married brothers, &amp;c., together with a
+few antique unmarried aunts, is not at all
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93"></a></span> of a palatial
+architecture; but it is a bad bird that blackens his own nest, and so I
+merely answered that I was now so saturated with Western civilisation,
+that I had lost all taste for Oriental splendours.</p>
+
+<p>Next she inquired whether I did not miss the tiger-shooting and
+pig-sticking; and I replied (with veraciousness, since I am not the <i>au
+fait</i> in such sports) that I could not deny a liability to miss both
+tigers and pigs, and, indeed, all animals that were <i>fer&aelig; natur&aelig;</i>, and
+she condemned the hazardousness of these jungle sports, and wished me to
+promise that I would abstain from them on my return to India.</p>
+
+<p>To this I replied that before I agreed to such a self-denying ordinance,
+I desired to be more convinced of the sincerity of her interest in the
+preservation of my humble existence.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> asked what had she done that I should be in dubitation as
+to her <i>bona fides</i>?</p>
+
+<p>Then I did meekly remind her of her flirtatious preferences for the
+young beef-witted London chaps, and her incertitude and disdainful
+capriciousness towards myself, who was not a beetlehead or an obtuse,
+but a cultivated native gentleman with high-class university degree, and
+an oratorical flow of language which was infallibly to land me upon the
+pinnacle of some tip-top judicial preferment in the Calcutta High Court
+of Justice.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>She made the excuse that she was compelled by financial reasons to be
+pleasant to the male boarders, and that I could not expect any marked
+favouritism so long as I kept my tongue concealed inside my damask cheek
+like a worm in bud.</p>
+
+<p>Upon which, transported by uncontrollable emotion, I ventured to embrace
+her, assuring her that she was the cynosure of my neighbouring eyes, and
+supplied the vacuum and long-felt want of my soul, and while occupied in
+imprinting a chaste salute upon her rosebud lips&mdash;who'd have thought it!
+her severe matronly parent popped in through the curtains and, surveying
+me with a cold and basilican eye, did demand my intentions.</p>
+
+<p>Nor can I tell what I should have responded, seeing that I had acted
+from momentary impulsiveness and feminine encouragement, had not Miss
+<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>, with ready-made female wit, answered for me that it was all
+right, and that we were the engaged couple.</p>
+
+<p>But her mother expressed an ardent desire to hear my <i>viv&acirc; voce</i>
+corroboration of this statement, informing me that she was but a poor
+weak widow-woman, but that, if it should appear that I was merely the
+giddy trifler of her daughter's young, artless affections, it would be
+her dolesome duty to summon instantaneously every male able-bodied
+inmate of her establishment, and request them to inflict deserved
+corporal chastisement upon my person!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>So, although still of a twitter with amazement at Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span>
+announcement, I considered it the better part of valour to corroborate
+it with promptitude, rather than incur the shocking punches and kicks of
+numerous athletic young commercials; and, upon hearing the piece of good
+news, Mrs <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> exploded into lachrymation, saying that she was
+divested of narrow-minded racial colour prejudices, and had from the
+first regarded me as a beloved son.</p>
+
+<p>Then, blessing me, and calling me her Boy, she clasped me against her
+bosom, where, owing to the exuberant redundancy of her ornamental
+jetwork, my nose and chin received severe laceration and disfigurement,
+which I endured courageously, without a whimper.</p>
+
+<p>When I have grown more accustomed to being the lucky dog, I shall
+commence cockahooping, and become merry as a grig. At the present moment
+I am only capable of wonderment at the unpremeditated rapidity with
+which such solemn concerns as betrothals are knocked off in this
+country.</p>
+
+<p>But if, as <i>Macbeth</i> says, such jobs are to be done at all, then it is
+well they were done quickly.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a>XIII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations in a Music-hall, together
+with notes of certain things that Mr Jabberjee failed to understand.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">My</span> preceding article announced the important intelligence of my
+betrothal, in which I was then too much the neophyte to express any very
+opinionated judgment as to the pros or cons of my approaching
+<i>benediction</i> as a <i>Benedick</i> (if I may be allowed a somewhat humorous
+pun).</p>
+
+<p><i>L'app&eacute;tit vient en mangeant</i>, and I am blessing my stars more fervidly
+every day for the lucky windfall which has bolted upon me from the blue.</p>
+
+<p>All the select boarders were speedily informed of my engagement, and the
+males though profuse in their congratulations, did manifest their
+green-eyed monster by sundry veiled chucklings and rib-pokings, while
+the ladies&mdash;especially Miss <span class="smcap">Spink</span>&mdash;are become less pressing in their
+attentions, and address me as "Prince" with increased frequency, and in
+a tone of tittering acidulation.</p>
+
+<p>This, however, is attributable to natural disappointment;
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97"></a></span>for it was
+notorious that all of them, even the least prepossessing, were on the
+tiptoe of languishing expectancy that I should cast my handkerchief in
+one of their directions. But the feminine nature is not capable of
+sustaining the good-fortune of another member of their sex with
+good-humoured complacency!</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, I enjoy many privileges and bonuses. I am permitted
+to enter Mrs <span class="smcap">Mankletow's</span> private parlour <i>ad libitum</i>, and there
+converse with my beloved, calling her "<span class="smcap">Jessie</span>," and even embrace her in
+moderation. I may also embrace her Mother, and address her as "Mamma,"
+which affords me raptures of a less tumultuous kind.</p>
+
+<p>Moreover now, when I conduct my <i>inamorata</i> to an entertainment, it is
+no longer <i>de rigueur</i> for any third party to impersonate a gooseberry!</p>
+
+<p>The mention of entertainments reminds me that, a few evenings ago, I
+escorted her to a music-hall, wherein, although I had previously
+believed myself a past master in the shibboleth of London Cockneyisms
+and technical terminology, I heard and saw much which was <i>au bout de
+mon Latin</i>, and the head impossible to be made out of the tail.</p>
+
+<p><i>E.g.</i>, there were two young lady-performers alleged by the programme to
+be "Serios and Bone Soloists," whereas they were the reverse of
+lugubrious; nor were their physiognomies fleshless or osseous; but, on
+the contrary, so shapely
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98"></a></span> and
+well-favoured that <span class="smcap">Jessie</span> did remonstrate
+with me upon the perseverance with which I gazed at them.</p>
+
+<p>And I could not at all find anyone to explain to me the difference
+between a "<i>Comedian</i>" and a "<i>Comic</i>"; or a "<i>Comedian and Patterer</i>"
+and an "<i>Eccentric Comedian</i>"; or a "<i>Society Belle</i>" and a "<i>Burlesque
+Artiste</i>"; or, again, "<i>A Sketch Artiste</i>" and a "<i>Speciality Dancer</i>."
+For to me they seemed precisely similar. There were "<i>four Charming
+Lyric Sisters</i>," who performed a dance in long expansive skirts, and in
+conclusion did all turn heels-over-head in simultaneity; but this, it
+seems, was&mdash;contrary to my own expectancy&mdash;<i>not</i> to dance a speciality.
+Speaking for my humble part, I am respectfully of opinion that lovely
+woman loses in queenly dignity by the abrupt execution of a somersault;
+however, the feat did indubitably excite vociferous applause from the
+spectators.</p>
+
+<p>Further there appeared a couple of Duettists in ordinary evening
+habiliments, who sang in unison with egregious melodiousness. One was
+plump as a partridge; the other thin as a weasel; and they related how
+they were both the adorers of a certain lovely damsel called "<span class="smcap">Sally</span>,"
+who was the darling of their co-operative hearts, and resided in their
+Alley. And of all the days in the week they loved Sunday, because then
+they were dressed in all their best, and went for a walk with <span class="smcap">Sally</span>.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>I should have thought that it was not humanly feasible for <span class="smcap">Sally</span> to
+continue such periodical promenades without exhibiting some preferential
+kind of choice, either for the partridge or the weasel, and that such a
+triangular courtship and triple alliance would infallibly terminate in
+the apple of discord, but <span class="smcap">Jessie</span> did assure me that it was quite usual
+and the correct cheese for a girl to have more than one beau upon her
+string.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p99'></a>
+<img src="images/p99.jpg" width="412" height="700" alt="In garbage of unparagoned shabbiness.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"IN GARBAGE OF UNPARAGONED SHABBINESS."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>I made the further observation that the Comedians and Comics must be
+reduced to extreme pauperism, since they presented themselves before a
+well-dressed, respectable audience in garbage of unparagoned shabbiness,
+and with hair of unbrushed wildness, and needing immediate tonsure.</p>
+
+<p>One songster did offer some excuse for the poverty of his appearance,
+telling us his hard case, how that he was occupied in declaring his
+passion to a beauteous damsel, when she was "all over him in a minute,"
+and, while he was making love to the pretty stars above, she cleared out
+all his pockets in a minute! At which many laughed; but, though Jove is
+said to regard lovers' perjuries with cachinnation, I could not help
+feeling the most pitiable sympathy for such a disappointing conclusion
+to a love affair, seeing that it is impossible for the comeliest nymph
+who returns her admirer's devotion by stealing his purse, and similar trash, to remain
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102"></a></span> posed any longer upon the towering pedestal
+of an ideal. Upon making this remark to <span class="smcap">Jessie</span>, however, she uttered the
+repartee that I was the silly noodle; though she is, I am sure,
+notwithstanding her attachment to gewgaws, not capable of descending
+personally to such light-fingered tactics.</p>
+
+<p>I was additionally bewildered by a chorus chanted by one of the Society
+Belles, which I took down <i>verbatim</i>, in the hope of a solution. It was
+as follows: "For I like a good liar, indeed I do! Provided he comes out
+with something new! But why did he tell me that story with whiskers on,
+why, why, why?"</p>
+
+<p>Now to me it is wholly incomprehensible that the female intelligence
+should admire mendacity in the opposite sex on the sole conditions that
+the said liar should present himself in some novel article of attire,
+and, previously to relating his untruth, remove from his cheeks any
+hirsute appendages. One of the boarders whom I consulted on the subject
+attempted to persuade me that it was the <i>story</i> that had the whiskers;
+but it is nonsensical to suppose that a purely abstract affair like an
+untruth could be furnished with capillary growth, which belongs to the
+concrete department.</p>
+
+<p>There was a lady described as an "incomparable Comedienne," who was the
+victim of unexampled bad luck. For she had purchased a camera (which she
+exhibited to the assembly),
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103"></a></span> and with this she had gone about
+photographing landscapes and other sceneries. But, lack-a-daisy! no
+sooner were they printed than the pictures were discovered to be
+irretrievably spoilt by objects in the foreground of such doubtful
+propriety that they were not exactly fit to place among her brick-backs,
+so she was compelled to keep them in a drawer among her knick-nacks!</p>
+
+<p>I should have liked her to inform us where such a faulty mechanism was
+procured, and why she did not exchange it for one of superior
+competency.</p>
+
+<p>She was succeeded on the stage by a little girl with a hoop, who bore a
+striking resemblance to her predecessor, and was probably her infantile
+daughter. This child was evidently of a greatly inquisitive disposition,
+and asked many questions of her progenitors which they were unable to
+answer, bidding her not to bother, and to go away and play.</p>
+
+<p>Then she asked a juvenile boy (who remained invisible), called "<span class="smcap">Johnny
+Jones</span>," and informed us that "she knew now." But I was still in the
+total darkness as to the answers, which even <span class="smcap">Jessie</span> declared that she
+was "<i>Davus non &OElig;dipus</i>," and not able to provide with the correct
+solutions.</p>
+
+<p>Upon the whole, I am of opinion that music-halls are more fertile in
+mental puzzlement and social problems, and more difficult of
+comprehension, than theatrical entertainments.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>This is, no doubt, why the spectators are allowed to consume liquors and
+sandwiches throughout the performance, since it is well known that the
+brain cannot carry on its <i>modus operandi</i> with efficiency if the
+stomach is in the beggarly array of an empty box!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XIV" id="XIV"></a>XIV</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An invitation to a Wedding. Mr J. as
+a wedding guest, with what he thought of the ceremony, and how he distinguished himself
+on the occasion.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">There</span> is a certain English young fellow-student of mine&mdash;to wit and
+<i>videlicet</i>, <span class="smcap">Howard Allbutt-Innett</span>, Esquire, with whom I have succeeded
+in scratching an acquaintance at sundry Law Lectures, and in the Library
+of my Inn of Court&mdash;a most amiable tip-top young chap, who is "the
+moulded glass of fashionable form," and cap-in-hand with innumerable
+aristocratic nobs.</p>
+
+<p>Seeing that I had (at an earlier period) been a more diligent attendant
+and note-taker of lectures than himself, he did pay me the transcendent
+compliment of borrowing the loan of my note-book, which, to my grateful
+astonishment, he condescended to bring back personally to Porticobello
+House, saying that he had found my notes magnificent, and totally
+incomprehensible to his more limited intellect!</p>
+
+<p>In <i>additum</i>, he graciously accepted my invitation
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106"></a></span> to ascend to the
+drawing-room, where I introduced him freely to several select lady
+boarders as my <i>alter ego</i> and <i>Fidus Achates</i>.</p>
+
+<p>On taking his leave, he expressed some marvelling that I should have
+concealed my superior rank under the reticence of a napkin, having
+observed that I was addressed as "Prince" by more than one of the
+softer-sexed boarders.</p>
+
+<p>I replied that I attached no valid importance to the <i>nominis umbra</i> of
+such a barren title, and that the contents of what there is nothing in
+must necessarily be naught.</p>
+
+<p>He answered me warmly that he entirely joined issue with me in such an
+opinion, and that he was often affected to sickishness by the snobbery
+of mundane society, adding that he hoped I would give him the look up at
+his paternal mansion in Prince's Square, Bayswater, shortly, since his
+people would be overjoyed at making my acquaintance, which both
+enraptured and surprised me, for hitherto he had ridden the high and
+rough-shoed horse, and employed me to suck my brains as a cat's foot.</p>
+
+<p>And odzookers! before many days I was the recipient of a silver-lettered
+missive, stating that Mr and Mrs <span class="smcap">Leofric Allbutt-Innett</span> did request the
+honour of Prince <span class="smcap">Jabberjee's</span> company at the marriage of their daughter,
+<span class="smcap">Clorinda Isabel</span>, with Mr <span class="smcap">Overton Wood
+beigh-Smart</span>,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109"></a></span> at a certain sacred
+Bayswater edifice.</p>
+
+<p>This I eagerly accepted, perceiving that my friend must have eulogised
+to his parents my legal accomplishments and forensic acumen.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p107'></a>
+<img src="images/p107.jpg" width="457" height="700" alt="The spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned Shahzadar.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"THE SPECTATORS SALUTED ME WITH SHOUTS OF JOY AS THE RETURNED SHAHZADAR."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>When I did, in all my best, obey, alighting at the church in my embossed
+cap, shawl neckcloth, a pair of yellow glove-kids, and patented Japan
+shoes, the spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned
+<span class="smcap">Shahzadar</span>, which caused me to bow profusely, while the driver of the
+hansom petitioned an additional sixpence.</p>
+
+<p>The interior of the church was dim and crowded with feminines, and I
+could only hear flutters and rustlings, together with a subdued mumble
+at the remoter end&mdash;which I ascertained to be the ceremony. Then
+followed the long stop and awkward pause, accompanied on the organ, and
+at length all the company stood on seats and the tiptoe of expectation,
+as the bridal procession moved slowly down the central passage amidst
+the congratulations of their friends and nearest relations.</p>
+
+<p>Not being desirous to hide under a bushel, I did press myself forward,
+and addressing a lady whom I took to be the bride, I felicitated her
+loudly, wishing that she might never become a widow, or use vermilion on
+her grey head, and that she might wear the iron bangle, and get seven
+male children.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Unhappily the serene ray of my goodwill was born to blush unseen in the
+dark unfathomed cave of a desert ear, for the actual recipient of my
+compliments was an unmarried spinster relative, who had already passed
+the years of discretion.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> welcomed me with cordial effusiveness, insisting that
+I should honour them by visiting their residence, and critically
+inspecting the nuptial gifts, to which I consented.</p>
+
+<p>On my arrival, I held a lengthy colloquy with the happy bridegroom, from
+whom I was anxious to obtain particulars of English marriage customs,
+such as whether he would be required to spend the evening in having his
+ears pulled, and other facetious banterings by his mother-in-law and
+sisters-in-law, as in India.</p>
+
+<p>But he seemed oppressed by so severe a bashfulness that I could extract
+no information from him, and presently the father of the bride came up
+and conducted me into an apartment wherein was a kind of bazaar, or
+exhibition of clocks and lamps and stationery cases and knives and forks
+and other trinkets and gewgaws, none of which appeared to me at all
+different from similar objects in shop windows.</p>
+
+<p>However, the greatest admiration and wonderment were expressed by all
+who entered, and I found that the host was under grave apprehensiveness
+that the presents might be looted
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111"></a></span> by the more unscrupulous of the
+guests, for he pointed out to me a sharp-eyed, shy gentleman in a
+corner, who, he informed me, was a disguised police-officer. This, at
+first, I was loth to believe, but was assured that it was a necessary
+precaution.</p>
+
+<p>Still, I will presume to point out that the simulation by a policeman of
+the ordinary character of a friend of the family and fellow-rejoicer, is
+a rather reprehensible trap to catch a sleeping weasel, since those
+whose honesty is not invariably above par may be lulled into the false
+security by his civilian get-up. And I did assure him, privately, that
+it was totally unnecessary to keep an eye on myself, who was a native
+University man with no necessity or natural taste for peculation, but
+that I would infallibly inform him if I should succeed at detecting any
+attempted dishonesty.</p>
+
+<p>Later I was ushered into the refreshment-room, and partook of a pink
+ice, with champagne-wine and strawberries, after which I entreated leave
+of Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> to deliver a nuptial oration. And she, overjoyed
+at my happy thought, did loudly request silence for Prince <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>,
+who was to utter a few very brief utterances.</p>
+
+<p>So as they became all ears, I addressed them, describing how, in my
+native country, at such a bridal feast and blow-out, it was customary
+for the bridegroom's mother to eat a sevenfold
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112"></a></span> repast, for fear of a
+subsequently empty stomach; but the bride's mother, on the contrary,
+will touch nothing, feeling that the more she fasts then, the more
+provender will fall to her later on. And I facetiously added that, on
+the present occasion, I had the certainty that both the mothers might
+indulge their appetites <i>ad libitum</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Next I recounted how, during a former boyish wedding of my own, my
+wife's mother after, as was befitting, setting a conical tinselled cap
+upon my head, and placing ten rings of twigs upon my ten fingers, and
+binding my hands with a weaver's shuttle, did say, "I have bound thee,
+and bought thee with cowries, and put a shuttle between thy fingers; now
+bleat then like a lamb." Whereupon I, being of a jokish disposition,
+did, unexpectedly and contrary to usage, cry "Baa" loudly, causing my
+mother-in-law to fear that I was a dull&mdash;until that night in the Zenana
+she had the great happiness to overhear me outwitting all the females
+present by the sprightliness of my badinage.</p>
+
+<p>And I was proceeding, amidst vociferous cachinnation, to enumerate some
+of my most lively sallies, when the bride's father did take me by the
+arm, and drawing me aside, inform me that the young couple were just
+about to start for their wedding journey, and that I was urgently
+required to see them depart.</p>
+
+<p>I observed that here, as with us, it is <i>de r&egrave;gle</i>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113"></a></span> to scatter rice upon
+the head of the bridegroom&mdash;but neither treacle nor spices. Moreover,
+this complimentary shower is extended to the bride and the
+carriage-horses, and hurled with athletic vigorousness, while it is a
+point of honour to knock off the coachman's hat with a female satin
+slipper.</p>
+
+<p>I was disappointed to see that both the happy pair had cast aside their
+gorgeous wedding garments, and put on quite ordinary and everyday
+attire, which, if not due to excessive parsimoniousness, must originate
+in a shamefaced desire to conceal their state of connubiality though it
+might be reasonably anticipated that they should rather be anxious to
+manifest their triumphant good-luck <i>pro bono publico</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XV" id="XV"></a>XV</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour of his betrothed. His
+doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing
+remarks upon ambitious pretenders. He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">The</span> pleasing impression produced by this humble self upon both Mister
+and Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> at the wedding of their eldest daughter became
+speedily prolific of golden fruit in the request of the honour of my
+company for dinner at 8.15 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span> on a subsequent evening.</p>
+
+<p>Incidentally recounting this prime compliment to my lovely <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>, I
+was astounded that she did not share my jubilations, but was, on the
+contrary, the sore subject at not being included in such invitation,
+which, as I explained, was totally irrational, seeing that the inviters
+remained unaware of her nude existence. She, however, maintained that I
+ought to have mentioned that I was an affianced, and have refused to sit
+at any banquet at which she was
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117"></a></span> fobbed off with a cold shoulder. This
+again was absurd, since the moiety of a loaf is preferable to total
+deprivation of the staff of life, and moreover, in my country, it is
+customary for the husband-elect to take his meals apart from his bride
+that is to be; nor does she ever touch food until he has previously
+assuaged his pangs of hunger. Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified
+until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best English
+workmanship, as an olive-branch and calumet of peace.</p>
+
+<p>But, outside Porticobello House, I have been close as wax on the subject
+of my flowery chains, and it was especially inconceivable that I should
+inform my friend <span class="smcap">Howard</span> of same, since he has frequently bantered me in
+wonderment that a respectable Oriental magnate should reside in such a
+very ordinary and third-rate boarding establishment, where it was an
+impossibility to gain any real familiarity with smart and refined
+English society.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p115'></a>
+<img src="images/p115.jpg" width="548" height="700" alt="Some haughty masculine might insult her under my very nose.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"SOME HAUGHTY MASCULINE MIGHT INSULT HER UNDER MY VERY NOSE."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>And who knows that if I should introduce Miss <span class="smcap">Jessie</span> into company of a
+superior caste, some haughty masculine might insult her under my very
+nose; and lack-a-daisy! where would she find a protector?</p>
+
+<p>I am certainly oppressed by an increasing dubiety whether Mrs <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span>
+is verily such an upper crustacean and <i>habitu&eacute;e</i> of the <i>beau monde</i> as
+she did represent herself to be. It is well-nigh incomprehensible that any individual
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118"></a></span>should seek to appear of a higher social
+status than Nature has provided; but my youthful acquaintance, <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>, Jun.,
+Esq., informs me that this is a common failing among the English
+classes, who fondly imagine that nothing is needed to render a frog the
+exact equivalent to an ox except an increased quantity of air,
+forgetting that if a frog is abnormally inflated, it is apt to provide
+the rather ludicrous catastrophe of exploding from excessive
+swellishness!</p>
+
+<p>However <i>revenons &agrave; nos moutons</i>&mdash;<i>id est</i>, the dinner party.</p>
+
+<p>I intended to be the early bird at Prince's Square, but, owing to a
+rarity among the hansom cabs, did not arrive until most of the guests
+were already assembled, being welcomed with effusive hospitality by the
+household god and goddess, Mr and Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>, who begged leave
+to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends.</p>
+
+<p>Then&mdash;<i>pop</i>, and <i>&agrave; l'improviste</i>&mdash;the door was thrown open, and a
+butler announced <i>ore rotundo</i>, Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd Cummerbund</span>, whom, in the
+wink of an eye, I recognised as an ex-Justice of the very court in
+Calcutta in which my male progenitor practises as a mook-tear, or
+attorney, and who, moreover, was familiar with myself almost <i>ab ovo</i>,
+having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said
+father, with a request for his patronising
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119"></a></span> opinion of my abilities, and
+the feasibility of my education at a London Inn of Court!</p>
+
+<p>Oh, my gracious! I was as if to sink through the carpet, and sought to
+draw in my horns of dilemma behind a column, when, to my uncontrollable
+dismay, my hostess led him towards me, with the remark that he was
+probably already acquainted in India with His Highness Prince <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The Hon'ble Retired Judge at this did merely smile indulgently,
+observing that India was a country of considerable extensiveness, and
+inquiring of me in my own tongue where my <i>raj</i> was situated, and the
+strength of my army, though with a scintillation in his visual organs
+that told me he knew me perfectly well.</p>
+
+<p>And I, realising that honesty was my best policy of insurance from his
+displeasure, did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the Court,
+protesting volubly in native language that I was an industrious poor
+Bengali boy, and had always regarded him as my beloved father; that I
+was not to blame because certain foolish, ignorant persons imagined me
+to be some species of Rajah; and earnestly representing to him that our
+kind mutual hostess would be woefully distressed by any disclosures.
+"Let your Hon'ble Ludship," I said, "only remain hermetically sealed,
+and preserve this as a trade secret, and my sisters, sisters-in-law, and aunts
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120"></a></span> shall
+always chant hymns on the Ganges for your Honour's felicities!"</p>
+
+<p>His Honour, laughing good-naturedly, did tell me that if I liked to
+assume the plumes of a daw, it was no affair of his, and kindly promised
+to respect my confidences&mdash;at which I was greatly relieved. Indeed,
+throughout the evening, nothing could exceed his affability, for, being
+seated on the other side of the hostess, opposite myself, he showed me
+the greatest honour and deference, frequently requesting my views on
+such subjects as Increased Representation of the People of India, the
+National Congress, and so forth; upon which, being now perfectly
+reassured and at my ease, I discoursed with facundity, and did loudly
+extol the intellectual capacity of the Bengalis, as evinced by
+marvellous success in passing most difficult exams., and denouncing it
+as a crying injustice and beastly shame that fullest political powers
+should not be conceded to them, and that they should not be eligible for
+all civil appointments <i>pari passu</i>, or even in priority to Englishmen.</p>
+
+<p>Wherein his Honour did warmly agree, assuring me with fatherly
+benignancy of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to
+be Head of a District somewhere on the Punjab frontier, and mentioning
+how a certain native Bengali gentleman of his acquaintance,
+Deputy-Commissioner <span class="smcap">Grish Chunder D&eacute;</span>,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121"></a></span> Esq., M.A., had distinguished
+himself splendidly (according to the printed testimony of Hon'ble
+<span class="smcap">Kipling</span>) in such a post of danger.</p>
+
+<p>I replied, that I was not passionately in love with personal danger, and
+that in my case <i>cedant arma tog&aelig;</i>, and my tongue was mightier than my
+sword, but that there was no doubt that we Bengalis were intellectually
+competent to govern the whole country, provided only that we were backed
+up from behind by a large English military force to uphold our
+authority, as otherwise we should soon be the pretty pickles, owing to
+brutal violence from Sikhs, Rajputs, Marathas, and similar uncivilised
+coarse races.</p>
+
+<p>And Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd</span> expressed his lively satisfaction that I appreciated
+some of the advantages of the British occupation.</p>
+
+<p>Thus, through my presence of mind in boldly grappling with the nettle, I
+turned what might have been a disaster into a conspicuous triumph, for
+all the company, seeing the favour I was in with such a big wig as
+Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>, listened to me with spell-bound enchantment,
+especially my friend <span class="smcap">Howard's</span> sprightly young sister, a damsel of
+distinguished personal attractiveness, who was seated on my other side.
+Her birth-name is <span class="smcap">Louisa-Gwendolen</span>; but her family and intimates, so she
+did inform me, call her "<span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Of the dinner itself I can speak highly, as
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122"></a></span> being inexpressibly
+superior, both in stylishness of service and for the quality of the
+food, etc., to any meals hitherto furnished by Mrs <span class="smcap">Mankletow's</span> mahogany
+board. Nevertheless, I wondered to find the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innetts</span> behind the
+times in one respect, viz., the lighting, which was with old-fashioned
+candles and semi-obscured lamps, instead of the more modern and
+infinitely more brilliant illumination of gas! Here, at least, though in
+other particulars of very mediocre elegance, I must pronounce
+Porticobello House the more up to date.</p>
+
+<p>In taking leave, I did thank Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd Cummerbund</span> profusely
+for so discreetly retaining its feline contents within the generous bag
+of his mouth, whereat he clapped my back very cordially, advising me to
+abstain for the future from a super-abundance of frills, since the
+character of a diligent legal native student was a precious lily that
+needed no princely gilding, and adding that he was indebted to me for a
+most entertaining and mirthful evening. This I do not understand, as I
+had not uttered any of the facetious puns and conceits wherewith it is
+my <i>wont</i>&mdash;when I <i>will</i><a name='FNanchor_1'></a><a href='#Footnote_1' class='fnanchor'>[1]</a>&mdash;to set the table in a simper.</p>
+
+<p>But possibly I may have spoken rather humorously unawares, and it is proverbial that
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123"></a></span> these exalted
+legal luminaries are pleased with a rattle and tickled by a straw.</p>
+
+<p>On my return I did omit to mention Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> to <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>;
+but, after all, <i>cui bono</i>?</p><br><br>
+
+<div class='footnote'><p><a name='Footnote_1'></a><a href='#FNanchor_1'><span class="label">[1]</span></a>
+This is a fairly sample specimen, though I have frequently surpassed
+it in waggish drollery.&mdash;<i>H. B. J.</i></p></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>
+
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XVI" id="XVI"></a>XVI</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I have</span> frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a eulogium
+concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of Hon'ble <span class="smcap">William
+Shakspeare</span>. It has been remarked, with some correctness, that he did not
+exist for an age, but all the time; and though it is the open question
+whether he did not derive all his ideas from previous writers, and even
+whether he wrote so much as a single line of the plays which are
+attributed to his inspired nib, he is one of the institutions of the
+country, and it is the correct thing for every orthodox British subject
+to admire and understand him even when most incomprehensible.</p>
+
+<p>Consequently I did cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from
+my friend <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>, Jun., Esq., on behalf of his parents, that I
+should accompany them on an excursion by rail to Stratford-upon-Avon,
+where the said poet had his domicile of origin.</p>
+
+<p>And so great was my enthusiasm that, during the journey, I declaimed,
+<i>ore rotundo</i>, certain select passages from his works which I had
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126"></a></span>
+committed to memory during the salad days of my schoolboyishness, and
+with such effect that Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee Allbutt-Innett</span> (who is excessively
+emotional) was compelled, at times, to veil her countenance in the
+recesses of a pocket-handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>Having at length arrived at that hallowed and sacred spot, the very name
+of which sends a sweet and responsive thrill through every educated
+bosom, our first proceeding was to partake of a copious cold tiffin.</p>
+
+<p>This repast we ordered at an old-fashioned hostelry, whose doorway was
+decorated by a counterfeit presentment of the Bard, and I observed that
+similar effigies were placed above several of the shops as I walked
+along the streets. These images somewhat resemble those erected to
+Buddha in certain parts of India, being similarly bald, but
+terminating&mdash;not in crossed legs, but a cushion with tassels. However, I
+was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most
+ignorant inhabitants to do anything in the nature of poojah before these
+figures any longer, though probably usual enough before <span class="smcap">Cromwell</span>, with
+the iron sides, ordered all such baubles to be removed. In a hole of the
+upper wall of the Town Hall there is a life-size statuary of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>,
+with legs complete, showing that he was not actually deficient in such
+extremities and a mere gifted Torso: and it
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127"></a></span> is presumable that the
+reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is, that
+marble in these parts is too precious a commodity to be wasted on mere
+superfluities.</p>
+
+<p>We visited the church, and saw his tomb, and there again was the
+superior half of him occupied with writing verses on a cushion in a
+mural niche, supported by pillars. Upon a slab below is inscribed a
+verse requesting that his dust should not be digged, and cursing him who
+should interfere with his bones, but in so mediocre a style, and of such
+indifferent orthography, that it is considered by some to be a sort of
+spurious cryptogram composed by Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Bacon</span>.</p>
+
+<p>On such a <i>vexata qu&aelig;stio</i> I am not to give a decided opinion, though
+the verse, as a literary composition, is hardly up to the level of
+<i>Hamlet</i>, and it would perhaps have been preferable if the poet, instead
+of attempting an impromptu, had looked out some suitable quotation from
+his earlier works. For, when an author is occupied in shuffling off his
+mortal coil, it is unreasonable to expect him to produce poetry that is
+up to the mark.</p>
+
+<p>When I advanced this excuse aloud in the church, a party of Americans
+within hearing exclaimed, indignantly, that such irreverent levity was a
+scandal in a spot which was the Mecca of the entire civilised universe.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon I did protest earnestly that I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128"></a></span> meant no irreverence, being
+<i>nulli secundus</i> in respect for the <i>Genius Loci</i>, only, as a critic of
+English Literature, I could not help regretting that a poet gifted with
+every requisite for producing a satisfactory epitaph had produced a
+doggerel which was undeniably below his usual par.</p>
+
+<p>This rendered them of an increased ferocity, until Mr <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>
+good naturedly took them into a corner and whispered that I was a very
+wealthy young Indian Prince, of great scholastic attainments, but
+oppressed by an uncontrollable <i>na&iuml;vet&eacute;</i>, after which they all came and
+shook me by the hand, saying they were very proud to have met me.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p129'></a>
+<img src="images/p129.jpg" width="438" height="700" alt="'It was here,' I said, reverently, 'that the swan of Avon was hatched!'">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"IT WAS HERE," I SAID, REVERENTLY, "THAT THE SWAN OF AVON WAS HATCHED!"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Afterwards we proceeded to the Birthplace, where a very gentlewomanly
+female exhibited the apartment in which the Infant Bard first saw the
+light. Alack! there was but little light to behold, being a shockingly
+low and dingy room, meagrely furnished with two chairs and a table, on
+which was another of the busts. As I came in, I uttered a remark which I
+had prepared for the occasion. "It was here," I said, reverently, "here
+that the Swan of Avon was hatched!" At which Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> was again
+overcome by emotion.</p>
+
+<p>The room was greatly in the necessity of whitewash, being black with
+smoke and signatures in lead pencil. Even the window-panes were
+scratched all over by diamonds, on seeing
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131"></a></span> which, and being also the
+possessor of a diamond and gold ring, I was about to inscribe my own
+name, but was prevented by the lady custodian.</p>
+
+<p>I indignantly and eloquently protested that if Hon'ble Sirs, <span class="smcap">Walter
+Scott</span>, Lord <span class="smcap">Byron</span>, <span class="smcap">Isaac
+Walton</span>, <span class="smcap">Washington Irving</span> and Co. were
+permitted to deface the glass thus, surely I, who was a graduate of
+Calcutta University, and a valuable contributor to London <i>Punch</i>, was
+equally entitled, since what was sauce for a goose was sauce for a
+gander, and Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> urged that I was a distinguished
+Shakspearian student and Indian prince, but the custodian responded that
+she couldn't help that, for it was <i>ultra vires</i>, nevertheless.</p>
+
+<p>However, while she was engaged in pointing out the spot where somebody's
+signature had been before it was peeled away, I, snatching the
+opportunity behind her back, did triumphantly inscribe my autograph on
+the bust's nose.</p>
+
+<p>In the back-room they showed us where <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> father stapled his
+wool, which caused Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> to remark that she had always
+understood that the poet was of quite humble origin, and that, for her
+part, she thought it was all the more creditable to him to have done
+what he did do.</p>
+
+<p>We also inspected the Museum, and were shown <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> jug, a rather
+ordinary concern; the identical dial which one of the clowns in his
+plays drew out of a poke, and a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132"></a></span> ring with W. S. engraved on it, found
+in the churchyard some years ago, and, no doubt, dropped there by the
+poet himself, while absorbed in the composition of his famous and
+world-renowned elegy.</p>
+
+<p>There were several portraits of him also, all utterly unlike one
+another, or only agreeing in one respect, namely, their total
+dissimilarity from the bust.</p>
+
+<p>We likewise saw the very desk <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> used, after creeping
+unwillingly to school with a shining face like a snail's. I was pained
+to see evidence of the mischievousness of the juvenile genius, for it
+was slashed and hacked to such a doleful degree as to be totally
+incapacitated for scholastic use!</p>
+
+<p>I myself was sprightly in my youth, but never, I am proud to say, to the
+extent of wilfully damaging my master's furniture! Before leaving, we
+walked to visit the residence of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> wife, which turned out to
+be a very humble thatched-roof affair, such as is commonly occupied by
+peasants.</p>
+
+<p>But, as Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> said, it is a sad fact that distinguished
+literary characters often make most imprudent marriages. Which put me in
+a wonderment whether she had heard anything about myself and Miss
+<span class="smcap">Mankletow</span>.</p>
+
+<p>At one of the bazaars I purchased a beautiful Shakspearian souvenir, in
+the form of a coloured porcelain model of
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> birthplace, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133"></a></span>
+which can be rendered transparent and luminous by the insertion of a night-light.</p>
+
+<p>This I had intended humbly to offer for the gracious acceptance of Miss
+<span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>, but having thrust it into a coat-tail pocket, I unfortunately
+sat upon it in the train as we were returning.</p>
+
+<p>So I presented it as a token of remembrance to <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>, who was
+transported with delight at the gift, which she said could be easily
+rendered the <i>statu quo</i> by dint of a little diamond cement.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XVII" id="XVII"></a>XVII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, with the explanation
+of such apparent indiscretion.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Since</span> writing my latest contribution I have folded up my tent like an
+Arab, and silently stolen away from Porticobello House, this independent
+hook being taken under the ostensible and colourable pretext of a
+medical opinion that the climate of Bayswater was operating injuriously
+upon my internal arrangements, but the real <i>causa causans</i> and <i>dessous
+des cartes</i> being a growing disinclination for the society of select
+male and female boarders.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> was naturally bathed in tears at the announcement of my
+approaching departure, although I fondly sought to console her by
+assurances that my residence in Highbury, Islington, though beyond the
+radius and of inaccessible remoteness from Ladbroke Grove, should not
+obliterate her brilliant image from the cracked looking-glass of my
+heart, and that I would write to her with weekly regularity, and revisit
+the glimpses of her moony presence at the first convenient opportunity.</p>
+
+<p>I do correspond with effusiveness and punctuality
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136"></a></span> through the obliging
+medium of a young intimate Indian acquaintance of mine, who does
+actually reside at Highbury, and has kindly undertaken to forward my
+<i>billets doux</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This stratagem is necessitated by the circumstance that (as a matter of
+fact) I am dwelling under a rose at Hereford Road, Westbourne Grove,
+which is in convenient proximity to Prince's Square and the stately home
+of the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> family, with whom I am now promoted to become the
+tame cat.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a name="frontis" id="frontis"></a>
+<img src="images/frontis.jpg" width="493" height="700" alt="Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED GENTLEMEN."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>In Hereford Road I occupy garishly genteel first-floor front and back
+apartments at rupees fifteen per week and the Lady of the Land has
+entreated me to kindly excuse the waiting-maid for jumping with
+diffidence whenever I pop upon her unpremeditatedly on the stairs, being
+a nervous girl and unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen&mdash;though
+her own countenance, from superabundance of blacking and smuts, being of
+a far superior nigritude, it is I myself who should be more justified in
+jumping.</p>
+
+<p>However, she is already becoming the <i>habitu&eacute;e</i>, and seldom drops the
+crockery-ware now&mdash;except when I simper with too beaming a
+condescension.</p>
+
+<p>Certain of my readers will perhaps hold up the hands of amazement at my
+imprudence in disclosing my whereabouts, and other private concerns, in
+the publicity of a popular periodical&mdash;but there is method in such madness; they
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137"></a></span> do not
+take in <i>Punch</i> at Porticobello House, considering
+that one penny (or even the moiety of that sum) is more correct value
+for funny and comical illustrated journalism, while the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innetts</span>,
+although they see <i>Punch</i> weekly do not peruse the literary contents,
+especially in the season, when, as Mrs A.-I. frequently remarks, they
+are in such a constant whirl of social dissipation that they have
+absolutely no time for serious reading.</p>
+
+<p>At first I was severely mortified that&mdash;so far as my acquaintances were
+concerned&mdash;these tittlings and jottings should be thus written with
+water, but I have since made the discovery that my cloud of
+disappointment is internally lined with precious silver.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XVIII" id="XVIII"></a>XVIII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Since</span> shaking the dust off my feet at Porticobello House, I have not
+succeeded to pluck the courage for a personal interview with Miss
+<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>, and my correspondence, duly forwarded per Mr <span class="smcap">Bhoobone Lall
+Jalpanybhoy</span>, of Highbury, has consisted mainly of abject excuses for
+non-attendance on plea of over-study for Bar Exam, and total incapacity
+to journey due to excessive disorderliness in stomach department.</p>
+
+<p>This, unhappily, at length inspired her with the harrowing dread that I
+was on the point of being launched into the throes of eternity, if not
+already as dead as Death's door-nail, and so, with feminine want of
+reflection, she performed a hurried pilgrimage to Highbury.</p>
+
+<p>Now, whether on account of the beetleheadedness of a domestic, or Baboo
+<span class="smcap">Jalpanybhoy's</span> incompetency in the art of equivocation, I am not to
+say&mdash;but the sequel of her inquiries was the unshakable conviction that
+I had not struck root in the habitation from which my letters were
+ostensibly addressed.</p>
+
+<p>And in a subsequently forwarded letter she did reproach me pathetically with my duplicity,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139"></a></span> and accused me of being a
+fickle&mdash;by which I was so unspeakably cut up that I abstained from the condescension of a
+rejoinder.</p>
+
+<p>Next I became the involuntary recipient of another letter in more
+intemperate style, menacing me that with a hook or a crook, she would
+dislodge me from the loophole in which I was snugly established, and
+that several able-bodied boarders were the hue of a full cry in pursuit.</p>
+
+<p>Since Hereford Road is in dangerous proximity to Ladbroke Grove, I was
+sitting tight in my apartments on receipt of this grave intelligence,
+with funk in my heart, and the Unknown hovering above me, when my young
+friend <span class="smcap">Howard Allbutt-Innett</span>, Esq., arrived with his bicycle, like a god
+on a machine, and perceiving the viridity of my countenance, inquired
+sympathetically what was up.</p>
+
+<p>At first, being mindful of the excessive liveliness with which he had
+bantered my residence in a boarding-house of such mediocre pretensions,
+I was naturally disinclined to reveal that I was in the plight of troth
+with the proprietress's daughter; but eventually I overcame my coyness,
+and uncovered the pretty kettle of fish of my <i>infandum dolorem</i>, and my
+ardent longing to hit upon some plan to extricate myself from the
+suffocating coils of such a Laocoon.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear old chap," he said kindly, after I had unfolded the last link
+of my tale of woe, "I will put you up in a dodge that will perform the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140"></a></span>
+trick. Don't see the young woman, or she will get round you with half a
+jiffy. Write to her that you are not worthy of a rap, and no more a
+Prince than I am!"</p>
+
+<p>Hearing his last words, I started, and did, like the ghost of <i>Hamlet</i>,
+Senior, "jump at this dead hour," being convinced that young <span class="smcap">Howard</span> had
+found out (perhaps from Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>) that my title was a bogus,
+and anticipating that, if he divulged the skeleton of my bare cupboard
+to his highly genteel parents, I should infallibly experience the
+crushing mortification of a chuck out.</p>
+
+<p>However, I hid the fox that was nibbling my vitals by inquiring, in a
+rather natural accent, what he meant by such a suggestion.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you such an innocent, simple old Johnny, Prince," he said, with
+reassuring <i>bonhomie</i>, "as not to catch the idea? Do you not know that
+European feminines in all ranks of society&mdash;alack, even in our own!&mdash;are
+immoderately attracted by anyone possessed of riches and a title&mdash;or of
+either of the two? As an <i>au fa&iuml;t</i> in the female temperament, I shall
+wager that it is nine out of ten that if you spoof this mercenary young
+minx into believing that you are merely a native impecunious nonentity,
+and not to be shot at with powder, she will instantaneously drop
+pursuing such a hot potato."</p>
+
+<p>To this speech (reported <i>verbatim</i> to best of my ability) I did shake
+my head sorrowfully,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143"></a></span> and
+reply that I greatly feared that <span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span>
+devotion to this unlucky self was too severe to be diverted, or even
+checked, like a cow that is infuriated or <i>non compos mentis</i>, by the
+mere relinquishment of such tinsel and gewgaw wraps as a title or
+worldly belongings, having frequently (and that, too, <i>prior</i> to our
+engagement) protested her preference for very dark-complexioned
+individuals, and her vehement curiosity to behold India.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p141'></a>
+<img src="images/p141.jpg" width="570" height="700" alt="Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"ASCENDED HIS BICYCLE WITH A WAGGISH WINKLE IN HIS EYE."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>But he, as he ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye,
+repeated that I might try it on at all events.</p>
+
+<p>Still, I could not induce myself to adopt his spoofish strategy, for I
+reflected that, though it might convince her that I was unmarriageable,
+it would only increase her fury and the vengeance of her champion
+boarders. So at length I composed a moving epistle, as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="smcap">Incomparable&mdash;though lack-a-daisy!<br>
+inaccessible&mdash;Jessimina!</span><br>
+</p>
+
+<p>Poet <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> has shrewdly observed that "a true lover never did run a
+straight course," and the sincerity of present writer's affection is
+incontestably proved by his apparent crookedness of running, and keeping
+dark outside the illuminating rays of thy moon-like countenance. The
+cause is the unforeseen cataclysm of a decree from my family astrologer
+or <i>dowyboghee</i>, whom I have anxiously consulted upon our joint
+matrimonial prospects.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144"></a></span>[<span class="smcap">Mem. to the
+ Readers.</span>&mdash;<i>This was what young
+</i><span class="smcap">Howard</span><i> would term</i> "the bit of spoof." <i>I am no ninny-hammer to consult an
+exploded astrologer!</i>] <i>Miserabile dictu!</i> the venerable and senile
+pundit reports that such an alliance would infallibly plunge us into the
+peck of troubles, since the sign of your natal month is the meek and
+innocent Lamb&mdash;while mine is the more ferocious Lion!</p>
+
+<p>A very slight familiarity with Natural History, &amp;c., will show you the
+utter incompatibility of temper between such an uncongenial couple of
+animals, and the correctness of said astrologer's prediction that it
+must infallibly be the Lamb who would be whiphanded in the unequal
+conflict.</p>
+
+<p>In consequence, though I am beating the floor with my head as I write,
+and moistening the carpet with the copiousness of my lachrymations, I
+must bid you the final and irrevocable adieu and <i>au revoir</i>, since I am
+unwilling to act as a selfish. Think of me as "a prince out of thy
+star," to quote the reference of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> character, <i>Polonius</i>, to
+<i>Hamlet</i>, under precisely similar circumstances. You will please forget
+me <i>instanter</i>, and accept this as my last solemn so-long, which I utter
+on the threshold of preparation for the stern and dreaded ordeal of Bar
+Exam. In frantic haste,</p>
+
+<p>Your ever faithful and broken-hearted Baboo,</p>
+
+<p class="txtright"><span class="smcap">Hurry.</span></p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;<i>No answer required.</i>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>But after an interval of a very few posts, in spite of my strict
+injunctions to contrary, I got the answer that she was deeply moved by
+my self-sacrifice, and had never loved me more. Having been brought up
+in a Christian disbelief of all astronomy, she was not in fear of my
+"doweybogey" or any other native bogies, and nothing should part us, if
+she could help it. She added, that I had been seen about Westbourne
+Grove recently.</p>
+
+<p>On receipt of this touching and beautiful communication I was again in
+the stampede of panic, and realised that I must have immediate resort to
+some stronger description of "Spoof."</p>
+
+<p>It is calamitous that I cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single
+exception of my young friend <span class="smcap">Howard's</span> dodge, which I fear will prove too
+filamentous.</p>
+
+<p>However, a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XIX" id="XIX"></a>XIX</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and sympathetic reception.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">In</span> my last I had the honour to report the total non-success of my
+endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological objections, and
+how I was consequentially up the tree of embarrassment.</p>
+
+<p>I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have
+confessed to Miss <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> in a well-expressed curt letter that I am
+only the possessor of a courtesy title, and, so far from rolling on the
+rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon
+parental remittances for pin-money.</p>
+
+<p>For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her politely to
+my benevolent friend and patron, Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>, Nevern Square,
+South Kensington; to whom I simultaneously wrote a private and
+confidential note, instructing him that if any young female person was
+to inquire particulars of my birth, origin, &amp;c., he was to tell the
+truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making it
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147"></a></span>
+clear that I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy
+lucre.</p>
+
+<p>The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident hopes
+that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by my friend, young
+<span class="smcap">Howard</span>, will accomplish the job, and procure me the happy release.</p>
+
+<p>I am now to pass to a different subject&mdash;to wit, a visit I paid some
+time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in
+conversation with the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innetts</span>, I had boasted freely of the
+credit I was in with certain high grade India Official nobs, who could
+refuse me nothing.</p>
+
+<p>Which was hitherto the positive fact, since I had never requested any
+favour at their hands.</p>
+
+<p>But Mrs <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> stated that she had heard that the
+reception-soir&eacute;es at said India Office were extremely enjoyable and
+classy, and inquired whether I possessed sufficient influence to obtain
+for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, and
+would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the
+senior clerks who regarded me as his brother.</p>
+
+<p>So, after procuring a <i>Whitaker Almanack</i>, and hunting up the name of
+one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I
+found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and inquired my
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148"></a></span> business, and
+upon my statement that I desired to see Mr
+<span class="smcap">Breakwater</span>, Esq., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a
+marble staircase, at the top of which was a second attendant, also
+engaged in brown study&mdash;for the attendants appear to be laudably
+addicted to the cultivation of their minds.</p>
+
+<p>He informed me that I should find Mr <span class="smcap">Breakwater's</span> room down a certain
+corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a clerk who was hurrying
+along with his hands full of documents, and represented that I had come
+for an immediate interview with Mr <span class="smcap">Breakwater</span> on highly important
+matters.</p>
+
+<p>He demanded incredulously whether Mr <span class="smcap">Breakwater</span> expected me.</p>
+
+<p>This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I was the bosom
+friend of said Mr B., who would be overjoyed to receive me, and,
+following him into a room, I peremptorily demanded that he should inform
+his master without fail that Baboo <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span> was there.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell
+and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting-room.</p>
+
+<p>There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English
+and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden nob of my
+umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying,
+that Mr <span class="smcap">Breakwater</span> could see me now, and presently showed
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149"></a></span> me into the
+aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker
+baskets containing dockets and memoranda, <i>et hoc genus omne</i>, sat the
+very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling!</p>
+
+<p>Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but I am now
+sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary
+is a frank and breezy apology.</p>
+
+<p>So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, "I am awfully sorry that I
+took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow; but remember
+the proverb, that 'appearances are deceitful,' and do not reveal a thin
+skin about a rather natural mistake."</p>
+
+<p>Mr <span class="smcap">Breakwater</span> courteously entreated me not to mention the affair, but to
+state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native
+Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pass Bar Exam,
+and my intimate connection with the distinguished Bayswater family of
+the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innetts</span>, who were consumed with longing for free tickets to
+an official <i>soir&eacute;e</i>. I then described the transcendent charms of Miss
+<span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>, and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by
+procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed
+out that, as an official in the India Office, he was <i>in loco parentis</i>
+to myself, and bound to indulge all my reasonable requests,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150"></a></span> and I
+assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entire
+<span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> family, self included, would ever pray on the crooked
+hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare.</p>
+
+<p>He heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was not in his
+power to oblige me.</p>
+
+<p>"You are not to suppose," I said, "that I am a native <span class="smcap">Tom-dick</span> or
+ <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.
+I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and candidate for call to Bar. <i>In
+additum</i>, I am the literary celebrity, being especially retained to jot
+and tittle for the periodical of <i>Punch</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Mr <span class="smcap">Breakwater</span> assured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many
+distinguished claims, but that he was under an impossibility of granting
+my petition for an invite to the annual summer <i>soir&eacute;e</i>, owing to the
+fact that aforesaid festivity was already the <i>fait accompli</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"How is that?" I exclaimed. "Have I not read in the daily press of a
+grand <i>durbar</i> to be given shortly in honour of Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Hung Chang</span>?"</p>
+
+<p>"But that is at the Foreign Office," he objected; "we have no connection
+with such a concern."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p151'></a>
+<img src="images/p151.jpg" width="408" height="700" alt="Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>"The Foreign Office would be better than nullity," I said. "I will tell
+you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign
+Office. You can state that you have
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153"></a></span> known me intimately for a long
+time, and that I am deserving of patronage. Hint, for instance, that it
+is impolitic to show favouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese)
+rather than another, and that you will regard any kindness done to me as
+the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"</p>
+
+<p>He, however, protested that any recommendation from him would be a
+<i>brutum fulmen</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"You are too modest, honoured Sir!" I told him, seeing that flattery was
+requisite; "but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and
+virtues are esteemed, and I can assure you that you are not so
+contemptible a nonentity as you imagine. Listen to me; I am now to go to
+the Foreign Office, and shall there assume the liberty of mentioning
+your distinguished name as a referee."</p>
+
+<p>With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I
+liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart
+immediately.</p>
+
+<p>Seeing him so well-disposed, I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his
+shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, "It is all right, old
+boy. Remember, I have complete <i>bon&acirc; fides</i> in your ability to work the
+oracle for me successfully." Which rendered him <i>sotto voce</i> with
+gratification.</p>
+
+<p>But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting like Patience on a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154"></a></span> Monument
+for two immortal hours, I was officially
+informed that the Principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was
+not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally
+invisible.</p>
+
+<p>This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to
+conduct a first-class Empire!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XX" id="XX"></a>XX</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less successful in other
+respects. He writes another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I am</span> happy to announce that I have passed the <i>pons asinorum</i> of Bar
+Exam with facility of a needle penetrating the camel's eye. <i>Tant
+mieux!</i> Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p157'></a>
+<img src="images/p157.jpg" width="526" height="700" alt="Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to fact
+that I have only recently received official information of my triumph,
+which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with p&aelig;ans of
+transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English brass band, and
+delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel.</p>
+
+<p>And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lincoln's Inn Hall
+one Monday shortly before 10 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>, and received pens, some foolscaps,
+and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and
+Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat
+my head with despair!</p>
+
+<p>So much so that I began my answers by
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156"></a></span> pathetically imploring my
+indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compassion, on ground
+that I was an unfortunate Bengalee chap, afflicted by narrow
+circumstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity
+depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks.</p>
+
+<p>However, on perusal of the paper, I found that, owing to diligent cram
+and native aptitude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it
+upon my <i>caput</i>, being at home with every description of mortgage, and
+having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the
+extremities of my finger-ends.</p>
+
+<p>In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering
+nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of
+composition, quoting freely from Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Snell</span> and <span class="smcap">Underhill</span> to
+back my opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding
+that I was required by the paper to "discuss" a certain statement, I
+left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a
+logomachy. And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a
+question in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of
+making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the
+impossible.</p>
+
+<p>The ordeal endured for four days. In the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159"></a></span> Roman Law department, I was
+on the spot with <i>Stillicidium</i> and similar servitudes, and in Criminal
+Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal
+problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I
+stated in a <i>postscriptum</i>, not being the practical cyclist, I could not
+be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that
+it was somewhat <i>infra dig.</i> for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council
+of Legal Education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but
+flimsy mechanisms.</p>
+
+<p>When called up for <i>viv&acirc; voce</i> purposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by
+the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that,
+after asking one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction,
+and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the
+oracle in my favour.</p>
+
+<p>And so I arrived at the pretty Pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet.
+But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct of every pot
+of ointment, and while I was still jumping for joy at having passed the
+steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>
+which constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose!</p>
+
+<p>It appeared that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon
+Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd</span>,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160"></a></span> who had duly informed her
+that I was not the genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Cr&oelig;sus with
+unlimited cash.</p>
+
+<p>Here, if Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span> had stopped, or represented me as a
+worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well; but most
+unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of
+respectable, well-to-do parentage, and very industrious young chap with
+first-class abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native
+Bar.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> wrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be
+attracted by mere rank, and that it was enough for her that I was in the
+position to maintain her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to
+my promise of marriage, and if I still declined to perform, she would be
+reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer.</p>
+
+<p>On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter
+failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly
+inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up my
+<i>penna</i>, inscribed the following epistle:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p class="center"><span class="smcap">Magnanimous and Ever Adorable Jessimina!</span></p></div>
+
+<p>I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable
+desire to become
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161"></a></span> the
+bride of such a man of straw as this undeserving
+self, and will no longer offer any factious opposition to your wishes.</p>
+
+<p>But in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have
+omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hymeneal altar, you
+will not be alone in your glory. As a Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of
+my country, entitled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to
+natural timidity and economical reasons, I have not hitherto availed
+myself of said privilege.</p>
+
+<p>However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family
+pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight,
+and, though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being
+celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant
+marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair.</p>
+
+<p>What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally
+indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a <i>sateen</i> or
+rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially
+under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and
+sisters-in-law of mine of rather nagging idiosyncracies. But ignorance
+of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering and
+ill-natured tone of their remarks.</p>
+
+<p>I can only say that I am quite ready (if you
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162"></a></span> insist upon it) to fulfil
+my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which
+Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. Mr
+<span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span>, of 15 Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my
+first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application.</p>
+
+<p>Ever yours faithfully and devotedly,</p>
+<p class="txtright">H. B. J.</p>
+
+<p>In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a strong prejudice
+in the mind of European feminines in favour of monogamy, and my letter
+(as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed
+so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to
+hers.</p>
+
+<p>So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply
+that she was astounded with wonderment at the sublimity of my cheek in
+supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife,
+and that she had communicated with <span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span>, Esq., and if my
+statement <i>re</i> infant marriage (which at present she suspected to be a
+mere spoof) proved correct, she would certainly decline my insulting
+offer.</p>
+
+<p>Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile,
+I shall save my brush from this near shave&mdash;provided that Mr
+<span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span> has received my tip in
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163"></a></span> time and does not, like Hon'ble
+<span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>, go beyond his instructions.</p>
+
+<p>But this is not reasonably probable, Baboo <span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span> being a
+tolerably discreet, subtle chap.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXI" id="XXI"></a>XXI</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Being</span> (to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I
+naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most
+superficial observer, and with the half of a naked optic, could easily
+discern the immeasurable superiority of Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> to <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> in all
+the refinements and delicacies of a real English lady, and although, up
+to present date, the timidity of girlishness has restrained Miss
+<span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> from reciprocating my increasing spooniness, her parents
+and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention
+their ardent hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some
+time this autumn.</p>
+
+<p>So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret
+chamber of my heart.</p>
+
+<p>For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the snobbishness of chasing a
+tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their
+affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the
+revelation that he is merely a member of nature's nobility. Rather the
+contrary.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>As Poet <span class="smcap">Burns</span> remarks with great truthfulness, "<i>Rank is but a penny
+stamp and a Man is a Man and all that.</i>" Nevertheless, for the present,
+I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse.</p>
+
+<p>Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privileged on a
+recent evening to escort the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> ladies to the Empire of
+India Exhibition, upon which I shall now pronounce the opinion of an
+expert, though space forbids me to describe its multitudinous marvels,
+save with the brevity of a soul of wit.</p>
+
+<p>In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly pious <i>Yogi</i> from Ceylon,
+who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs
+embracing his neck, or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes
+inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of
+prayer-making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary
+attitudes, especially when exhibited publicly for an <i>honorarium</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I feel proud to narrate that, at Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee's</span> urgent entreaties, I
+subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the
+Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but
+a house of cards, or suddenly become totally immobile&mdash;though to pass
+interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion
+might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine
+compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without having
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166"></a></span> hitched anywhere, and I
+did most firmly decline to fly in the
+face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive
+balloon.</p>
+
+<p>The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very
+inadequate idea of the principal Calcutta thoroughfares; moreover, to
+cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over
+native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance
+seems a little ludicrous!</p>
+
+<p>After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the
+Empress Theatre, and Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> made the criticism that the fall of
+Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called
+defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death
+immediately the army of Sultan <span class="smcap">Mahmud</span> galloped their horses through the
+gateway.</p>
+
+<p>But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their
+discretion.</p>
+
+<p>It seems&mdash;though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in
+previous ignorance of the fact&mdash;that Sultan <span class="smcap">Mahmud</span>, the Great Mogul
+<span class="smcap">Akbar</span>, and <span class="smcap">Sivaji</span>, the Mahratta Chief, were each taken
+in tow and personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named
+Love, Mercy and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing of consequence
+was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls.</p>
+
+<p>As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167"></a></span> I shall confess to
+some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military
+masculines&mdash;the more highly educated civilian class of Baboos being left
+out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in
+which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with
+terpsichorean energy, and man&oelig;uvring in companies and circles with
+members of the softer sex. As a philosophical conception of disembodied
+existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good
+enough for ordinary fighting chaps!</p>
+
+<p>I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, greatly owing to the
+condescension of Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>, who exhibited such entertainment at my
+comments that I left under the confident persuasion that I was
+infallibly to be the favoured swain.</p>
+
+<p>On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter from <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>,
+beseeching me, for the sake of "Old Langsyne," to meet her on the
+following evening at Westbourne Park Station, and mentioning that
+certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only
+desirous for an amicable arrangement.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an
+encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I
+wrote at once accepting the <i>rendezvous</i>.</p>
+
+<p>When I duly turned up, lo and behold! I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168"></a></span> found she was escorted, not
+only by her eagle-eyed mother (<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> herself inherits, in <i>Hamlet's</i>
+immortal phraseology, "an eye like Ma's, to threaten or command"), but
+also by a juvenile individual with a black neck-tie and Hebrew profile,
+whom she formerly introduced to me as Mr <span class="smcap">Solomons</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine
+fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having obtained
+such an excellent substitute for my worthless self, and to wish the
+happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not
+a <i>fianc&eacute;</i>, but merely a sort of friend, and Mrs <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> severely
+added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my
+legal contract.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same
+to best ability, but that, my offer having been declined with
+contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end.</p>
+
+<p>Here <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> said that she had of course refused to marry a man who
+declared that he was already the owner of a dusky spouse, but that, on
+inquiries from Mr <span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span>, she had made the discovery that my
+said infant wife had popped off with some juvenile complaint or other
+three or four years ago.</p>
+
+<p>At this I was rendered completely flabaghast&mdash;for, although the
+allegation was undeniably correct, I had confidently hoped that my friend
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171"></a></span> <span class="smcap">Ram</span> was
+unaware of the fact, or would at least have the
+ordinary mother-wit to refrain from blurting it out! "<i>Et tu, Brute!</i>"
+But I must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very
+fat-witted sort of fellows.</p>
+
+<p><i>Que faire?</i>&mdash;except to explain that my melancholy bereavement must have
+entirely slipped off my memory, and that in any case it had no logical
+connection with the matter in hand.</p>
+
+<p>Then Mrs <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> inquired, would I, or would I not, marry her illused
+child? and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer.</p>
+
+<p>I replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire, and I was
+prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of&mdash;<i>Not on any
+account.</i></p>
+
+<p>Whereupon Mr <span class="smcap">Solomons</span> stepped forward and politely handed me a folded
+paper, and, observing that he thought there was no need to protract the
+interview, he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies, leaving
+myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official
+document into my baffled and bewildered nob.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p169'></a>
+<img src="images/p169.jpg" width="468" height="700" alt="A royal command from the Queen-Empress.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"A ROYAL COMMAND FROM THE QUEEN-EMPRESS."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Eventually, I gathered that it was a Royal command from the
+Queen-Empress, backed by the Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain, that
+I was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit of <span class="smcap">Jemima
+Mankletow</span> for a claim of damages for having breached my promise to
+marry!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172"></a></span></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;'>
+
+<p>No matter! Pugh! Fiddle-de-dee! Never mind! Who cares?</p>
+
+<p>Having successfully passed Exam, and been called to the Bar, I am now an
+<i>amicus curi&aelig;</i>, and the friend in Court.</p>
+
+<p>I shall enter my appearance in the forensic costume of wig and gown.</p>
+
+<p>What will be the price of the plaintiff's pleadings <i>then</i>, Madams?</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXII" id="XXII"></a>XXII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor&mdash;with certain reservations.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I concluded</span> my foregoing instalment, narrating my service of a writ for
+breaching a promise of marriage, with a spirited outburst of
+<i>insouciance</i> and devilmaycarefulness.</p>
+
+<p>But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of
+the said writ, which contained the peremptory mandate that I was to
+enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, or
+the judgment would be given in my absence!</p>
+
+<p>Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long
+complicated defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect
+myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in
+such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remained <i>perdu</i> with a
+hidden head, I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since,
+heigh-ho! <i>les absents ont toujours tort</i>. So that I shed blistering and
+scalding tears like a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a
+devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity,
+until, by a great piece of potluck, on going up
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174"></a></span> the next morning to the
+library of my Inn, I espied my young friend <span class="smcap">Howard</span> in the compound,
+busily employed in a lawn tennis game.</p>
+
+<p>Having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic
+and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its
+entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private
+confabulations at his earliest conveniency, which he observing, after
+the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I
+was forlornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side.</p>
+
+<p>This young <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>, I am to mention here, had only just missed
+succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the inveterate malignancy
+of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament; but from the
+coolness of his cheek, and complete man-of-the-worldliness, is a most
+judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places.</p>
+
+<p><i>Experto crede</i>, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my
+shocking <i>imbroglio</i>, he promptly gave me the excellent advice that I
+was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a Mr <span class="smcap">Sidney Smartle</span>,
+who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and
+who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that
+he could not find time for working the oracle on my behalf.</p>
+
+<p>"And look here, <span class="smcap">Jab</span>," he added (he has sometimes
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175"></a></span> the extreme
+condescension to address me as an abbreviation), "I'll trot you up to
+him at once&mdash;and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own
+counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native prince, in
+brand-new wig and gown, defending himself single-handed from wiles of
+artful adventuress&mdash;why, you'll knock the jury as if with old boots!"</p>
+
+<p>"Alack," said I, sorrowfully; "though I am quite competent to become the
+stump orator at shortest notice, I do not see how I can enter my first
+appearance until I have carefully instructed Misters <span class="smcap">Ram</span> and <span class="smcap">Jalpanybhoy</span>
+in the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &amp;c., and a week is
+too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations!"</p>
+
+<p>"Nonsense and stuff!" he replies, "you will have a lot more than that,
+since the week only applies to entering an appearance&mdash;which is a mere
+farcical formality that old <span class="smcap">Sid</span> can perform in your place on his head."
+At which I was greatly relieved.</p>
+
+<p>But on arrival at Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle's</span> office in Chancery Lane, we were
+disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was
+absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was
+the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of
+tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying
+a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather adolescent
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176"></a></span>than senile
+in physical appearance I was vastly impressed by the offhanded cocksurety of his manner.</p>
+
+<p>My friend <span class="smcap">Howard</span> introduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in
+the shell of a nut, whereupon Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span> jauntily pronounced it to be
+the common garden breach of promise, but that we had better all repair
+to the First Avenue Hotel and lunch, and talk the affair over
+afterwards.</p>
+
+<p>Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and
+cigars, &amp;c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out
+of pocket.</p>
+
+<p>Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span>, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I
+certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a
+hole by so publicly proclaiming my engagement, but that my status as an
+oriental foreigner, and the fact I had asserted&mdash;viz., that my promise
+was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical funkiness&mdash;might
+pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness
+(which, fortunately, is by no means the case).</p>
+
+<p>He added, that we had better engage <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., as he was
+notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar.</p>
+
+<p>But to this I opposed the <i>sine qu&acirc; non</i> that I am to have the sole
+control of my case in court, and reap the undivided <i>kudos</i>, assuring
+him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnesses
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177"></a></span> until they
+could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he
+sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and
+election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess
+sufficient experience; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial
+garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to
+ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a
+typical Indian in the matter of legal subtlety and ready-made wit, and
+that, if not capable of conducting my <i>own</i> case, how, then, could I be
+fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is
+proverbially unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally proficient
+in the practice of barking yourself.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon, silenced by my <i>a fortiori</i> and <i>reductio ad absurdum</i>, he
+gave way, saying that it was my own affair, and, anyhow, there would be
+plenty of time to consider such a matter, since the plaintiff might not
+choose to do anything further till after the Long Vacation, and we could
+easily postpone the hearing of the action until the Midsummer of next
+year.</p>
+
+<p>I, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so procrastinated a
+delay, as I desired to make my forensic <i>d&eacute;but</i> at the earliest possible
+moment, and urged him to leave no stone unturned to get the job finished
+by November at least, suggesting that if we could ascertain
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178"></a></span> the name
+and address of the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him,
+and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of
+his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot.</p>
+
+<p>To which Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span> replied that he could not recommend any such
+tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial
+foot in a literal and painful manner.</p>
+
+<p>Now I must conclude with a livelier piece of intelligence: I am now in
+receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit the <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span> family
+at the elegant mansion (or&mdash;to speak Scottishly&mdash;"manse") they have
+hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire,
+N.B.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs A.-I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but
+several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and
+will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so
+that, as she believed I was the keen sportsman, I had better bring my
+gun.</p>
+
+<p>Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having
+since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts,
+bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at
+last an <i>au fait</i> with a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod.</p>
+
+<p>I do not think I shall purchase a gun, for there is a young English
+acquaintance of mine who is the Devil's Own Volunteer, and who will
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181"></a></span>
+no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two.</p>
+
+<p>As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally unnecessary to
+assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk
+after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any cowardly fear from
+pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore
+commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered
+tartan, and other accessories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the
+mark of politeness to dress in the Romish style.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p179'></a>
+<img src="images/p179.jpg" width="379" height="700" alt="Would be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME KNEE-CAPS."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture
+humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some
+knee-caps.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXIII" id="XXIII"></a>XXIII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his preparations for the North.
+He allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty&mdash;to
+which no serious importance need be attached.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">My</span> fair plaintiff has not suffered the grass of inaction to grow upon
+her feet, having already issued her Statement of Claim, by which she
+alleges that I proposed marriage on a certain date, and did
+subsequently, on divers occasions, treat her, in the presence of sundry
+witnesses, as an affianced, after which I mizzled into obscurity, and on
+various pretexts did decline, and do still decline, to fulfil my nuptial
+contract, by which conduct the plaintiff, being grievously afflicted in
+mind, body, and estate, claims damages to the doleful tune of &pound;1000.</p>
+
+<p>(N.B.&mdash;I have thought it advisable here and there to translate the legal
+phraseology into more comprehensible verbiage.)</p>
+
+<p>Now such a claim is to milk a ram, or <i>prendre la lune avec les dents</i>,
+seeing that I am not a proprietor of even one thousand rupees. Nevertheless
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183"></a></span>(as
+I have informed Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span>), my progenitor, the
+Mooktear, will bleed to any reasonable extent of costs out of pocket.</p>
+
+<p>I have held frequent and lengthy interviews with the said <span class="smcap">Smartle</span>, Esq.,
+who is of incredible despatch and celerity&mdash;though I sometimes regret
+that I did not procure a solicitor of a more senile and sympathetic
+disposition.</p>
+
+<p>Assuredly had I done so, such an one would not, after perusing my
+Statement of Defence&mdash;a most magnificently voluminous document of over
+fifty folios, crammed and stuffed with satirical hits and sideblows, and
+pathetic appeals for the Bench's indulgence, and replete with familiar
+quotations from best classical and continental authors&mdash;such an one, I
+say, would not have split his sides with disrespectful chucklings,
+thrown my composition into a wasted paper receptacle, and proceeded to
+knock off a meagre substitute of his own, containing a very few dry bald
+paragraphs, in the inadequately brief space of under the hour.</p>
+
+<p>Such, however, was Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle's</span> course; and the sole consolation is
+that, owing to his unprofessional precipitation, the action was set down
+for trial previously to the commencement of the Long Vacation, and my
+case may come on some time next Term, and I be put out of my misery at
+the close of the year.</p>
+
+<p>My aforesaid legal adviser, finding that I adhered with the tenacity of
+bird-slime to my
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184"></a></span> determination to conduct my case
+in person, did hint in no ambiguous language, that it might perhaps be even better for me to
+do the guy next November to my native land, and snip my fingers then
+from a safe distance at the plaintiff.</p>
+
+<p>But it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather (except when
+prostrated by severe bodily panics), and I am consumed by an ardent
+impatience to air my fluencies and legal learnedness before the
+publicity of a London Law Court.</p>
+
+<p>Now, begone dull care! for I am to dismiss all litigious thoughts till
+October or November next, and become a <i>Dolce far niente</i>, chasing the
+deer with my heart in the Highlands.</p>
+
+<p>My volunteering acquaintance, by the way, has declined to lend me his
+rifle, on the transparent pretence that it was contrary to regulations,
+and that it was not the <i>bon ton</i> to pursue grouse-birds and the like
+with so war-like a weapon.</p>
+
+<p>So, on young <span class="smcap">Howard's</span> advice, I made the purchase from a pawnbroker of a
+lethal instrument, provided with a duplicate bore, so that, should a
+bird happen by any chance to escape my first barrel, the second will
+infallibly make him bite the dust.</p>
+
+<p>I have also purchased some cartridges of a very pleasing colour, a
+hunting knife, and a shot belt and pouch, and if I can only procure some
+inexpensive kind of sporting hound from the Dogs'
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185"></a></span> Home, I shall be
+forewarned and forearmed <i>cap &agrave; pie</i> for the perils and pleasures of the
+chase.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> did earnestly advise me, inasmuch as I was about to go
+amongst the savage hill tribes of canny Scotians, to previously make
+myself acquainted with their idioms, &amp;c., for which purpose she lent me
+some romances written entirely in Caledonian dialects, also the
+compositions of Hon. Poet <span class="smcap">Burns</span>.</p>
+
+<p>But hoity-toity! after much diligent perusal, I arrived at the
+conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most intelligent
+foreigner, unless he is furnished with a good Scotch grammar and
+dictionary.</p>
+
+<p>And <i>mirabile dictu!</i> though I have made diligent inquiries of various
+London booksellers, I have found it utterly impossible to obtain such
+works in England&mdash;a haughty and arrogantly dispositioned country, more
+inclined to teach than to learn!</p>
+
+<p>How many of your boasted British Cabinet, supposed to rule our countless
+millions of so-called Indian subjects, would be capable to sit down and
+read and translate&mdash;<i>correctly</i>&mdash;a single sentence from the Mah&aacute;bh&aacute;rat
+in the original?</p>
+
+<p>Not more, I shrewdly suspect, than half a dozen at most!</p>
+
+<p>So it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in
+the language and literature of a country like Scotland, which is
+notoriously wild and barren and less densely
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186"></a></span> populated and productive
+than the most ordinary districts of Bengal.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, you pusillanimous Highland chiefs and other misters! how long will
+you tamely submit to such offhanded treatment? Will the day never come
+when, with whirling sporrans and flashing pibrochs you will rise against
+the alien oppressor, and demand Home Rule, together with the total
+abolition of present disdainful British <i>insouciance</i>?</p>
+
+<p>When that day dawns&mdash;if ever&mdash;please note this piece of private
+intelligence from an authorised source: <i>Young Bengal will be with you
+in your struggle for Autonomy.</i> If not in body, assuredly in spirit.
+Possibly in <i>both</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I say no more, in case I should be accused of trying to stir up
+seditious feelings; but, as a patriotic Baboo gentleman, my blood will
+boil occasionally at instances of stuck-up English self-sufficiency, and
+the worm in the bud, if nipped too severely, may blossom into a rather
+formidable serpent!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p187'></a>
+<img src="images/p187.jpg" width="514" height="700" alt="I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a 'Blooming Blacky!'">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"I AM ADDRESSED BY AN UNDERBRED STREET-URCHIN AS A 'BLOOMING BLACKY!'"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>As, for instance, when, in the course of an inoffensive promenade, I am
+addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a "blooming blacky," and
+cannot induce a policeman to compel my aggressor to furnish me with his
+name and address or that of his parents, or even to offer the most
+ordinary apology.</p>
+
+<p>Enough of these rather bitter reflections, however. I omitted to mention
+that I am also the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189"></a></span> proprietor (at the same
+pawnbroker's where I bought my breeches-loader gun) of a very fine second-hand salmon-rod, a
+great bargain and immense value, with which I hope to be able to catch a
+great quantity of fishes.</p>
+
+<p>For there is, according to young <span class="smcap">Howard</span>, good fishing in a burn
+adjoining the Manse, so I shall follow King Solomon's injunctions, and
+not spare the rod and spoil the salmons, though if I should happen to
+"spoil" my rod, the salmons would inevitably in consequence be "spared."</p>
+
+<p>This is a sample of the kind of verbal pleasantries in which, when in
+exhilarated high spirits, I sometimes facetiously indulge.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXIV" id="XXIV"></a>XXIV</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">I am</span> now an acclimatised denizen of Caledonia stern and wild; which,
+however, turns out to be milder and tamer than depicted by the jaundiced
+hand of national jealousy.</p>
+
+<p>For, since my arrival at this hamlet of Kilpaitrick, N.B., I have not
+once beheld any species of savage hill-man; moreover, the adult
+inhabitants are clothed with irreproachable decency, and, if the
+juveniles run about with denuded feet and heads, where is the shocking
+scandal?</p>
+
+<p>Mr <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>, sen., did me the honour to appear in person upon the
+Kilpaitrick platform, and welcome me with outspread arms to his
+temporary hearth and home, but I shall have the candour of confessing my
+disappointment with the size and appearance of the same. It appears that
+a "Manse" is not at all a palatial edifice, furnished with a plethora of
+marble halls and vassals and serfs, &amp;c., but simply the very so-so and
+two-storied abode of some local priest!</p>
+
+<p>My gracious hostess was to tender profuse apologies for its homeliness,
+on the plea that it is refreshing at times to lay aside ceremonial
+magnificence and unbend in rural simplicity,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193"></a></span> though it is not humanly
+possible to unbend oneself upon the thorny bosoms of chairs and couches
+severely upholstered with the prickling hairs of an extinct horse.</p>
+
+<p>Still, as I assured Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>, she is the happy owner of a magical
+knack to transform, by her sheer apparition, the humblest hovel into the
+first-class family residence with every modern improvement.</p>
+
+<p>With the said Miss I continue on terms of hand and gloveship, with
+mutual harmless jokes, which would perhaps be as caviare on toast to a
+general, though I shall venture to recount some examples.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p191'></a>
+<img src="images/p191.jpg" width="371" height="700" alt="Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"OF INCREDIBLE BASHFULNESS AND BUCOLICAL APPEARANCE."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>A certain local young laird, of incredible bashfulness and bucolical
+appearance, is a frequent visitor at the manse, and the fervent admirer
+of Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>, who cannot endure the tedium of his society, and is
+constantly endeavouring to escape therefrom.</p>
+
+<p>Now his name is Mr <span class="smcap">Crum</span>, and I have frequently entertained her in
+private by play upon the word, alluding to him as "Mister <span class="smcap">Crust</span>,"
+"Mister <span class="smcap">Oatcake</span>," or "the Scotch Bun," and the like; but he informed me
+that he preferred to be addressed as "Balbannock," and upon my inquiring
+his reasons for selecting such an alias, he answered that it was because
+he inhabited a house of that name.</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon I facetiously requested that he would address myself in future as "Mister
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194"></a></span> Seventy-nine, Hereford
+Road, Bayswater," which stroke of wit
+occasioned inextinguishable merriment from Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>, though it did
+not excite from the aforesaid laird so much as the smallest simper!</p>
+
+<p>From an ingrained love of teasing, and also the natural desire to
+stimulate her appreciation of my superior fertility in small talk and
+<i>l'art de plaire</i>, I do often slyly contrive to inflict his sole society
+upon her&mdash;to the huge entertainment of her father and mother, who carry
+on the joke by assisting my man&oelig;uvrings; but, although it affords me
+a flattering gratification to be plaintively upbraided by Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>
+for my cruel desertion, I am resolved not to persist in such heartless
+pranks beyond her natural endurance.</p>
+
+<p>Shortly after my arrival I heard from my host that he was the recipient of an invitation
+from a Mister <span class="smcap">Bagshot</span>, Q.C., that he and his son <span class="smcap">Howard</span>
+would accompany him to a shooting expedition upon some adjacent moors,
+and that, being now immoderately plump, and past his prime as a potshot,
+he had requested leave to nominate myself as his <i>budli</i> or substitute,
+explaining that I was a young Indian prince of great prowess at every
+kind of big games.</p>
+
+<p>Accordingly, to my great delight, it was arranged that I should take his
+place.</p>
+
+<p>My young friend <span class="smcap">Howard</span>, beholding me appear at the breakfast-table arrayed in my
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195"></a></span> short kilt and superincumbent
+belly-purse with tassels, did entreat me to change myself into ordinary knickerbockers, lest I
+should catch death with a cold.</p>
+
+<p>But I declined, disdaining such dangers, and assuring him that I did not
+at all dislike the excessive ventilation of my knees.</p>
+
+<p>We drove to Mr <span class="smcap">Bagshot's</span> residence, Rowans Castle, in a hired machine,
+and found the gentlemen-shooters gathered outside the portico. Amongst
+the party I was pleased to observe Hon'ble Justice <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>, who, when
+we were all ascended into the waggonette-break, did rally me very
+good-humouredly upon some mixed bag of elephants and tigers he had heard
+(or so he said) I had accomplished in some up-country jungle.</p>
+
+<p>At first, knowing that this was the utter impossibility, I perspired
+with terror that he was making me the fool, but apparently he was
+himself under a misunderstanding, for when we had left the vehicle and
+were preparing to advance, he paid me the distinguished compliment of
+entreating that I might be awarded the command of one extremity of the
+line, while he himself was to preside over the opposite end!</p>
+
+<p>And thus we commenced to climb a steep hill, thickly covered with a very
+pricklesome heather, and black slimy bogs, wherein the varnish of my
+patent-leather shoes did soon
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a></span> become totally dimmed. So, being gravely
+incommoded by the shortness of my wind, I entrusted my musket to an
+under-keeper, begging him to inform me of the early approach of any stag
+or deer.</p>
+
+<p>However, we saw nothing to shoot at except various sorts of wild
+poultry, and when some of these flew up immediately in front of me, I
+was too late, owing to the carriage of my gun by an underling, to do
+more than fire off a couple of barrels as a declaration of hostility.</p>
+
+<p>But profiting by this lesson in being <i>semper paratus</i>, I refused to
+part again with my deadly instrument, and stumbled manfully onwards with
+finger upon the triggers, letting them fly instantaneously at the first
+appearance of any animals <i>fer&aelig; natur&aelig;</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It is not customary, I was assured, to slay the wild sheep in these
+districts, though horned, and of an excessively ferocious appearance,
+and even when firing my bullets at birds, I was subjected to continual
+reproofs from some officious keeper or other.</p>
+
+<p>For example, I was not to shoot into a flock of partridges, for the
+superstitious reason, forsooth! that it was still the month of August,
+which is supposed to be unlucky!</p>
+
+<p>Again, I was rebuked for burning powder at a grey hen, because it is the
+wife of a black-cock, which may be shot with impunity. Although a highly
+chivalrous chap in questions
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197"></a></span> of the fairer sex, I am yet to see why it
+is allowable to render the female bird a bereaved widow, but totally
+forbidden to make the male a widower! Or why it is permissible to slay a
+minute bird such as a snipe, while a titlark is on no account to be
+touched.</p>
+
+<p>Being eventually exasperated by these unreasonable faultfindings, seeing
+that I had merely emptied my gun-barrels without actually destroying any
+of these sacred volatiles, I addressed the keeper in the withering tones
+of a sarcasm: "Mister Keeper," I said, "as I am not the ornithologist or
+soothsayer to distinguish infallibly every species of bird by instinct
+when flying with incredible velocity, would it not be better that I
+should discharge no shots in future?"</p>
+
+<p>To which, abashed by my severity, he replied that he could not just say
+that it would make any considerable difference whether I fired at all or
+none.</p>
+
+<p>My fellow-shooters, however, could not refrain from shouting with
+irrepressible admiration at the intrepidity with which, forestalling the
+fleetest dogs, I did rush forward to pick up the fallen grouse-birds,
+and repeatedly exhorted me to take greater care for my own safety.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot say that they exhibited equivalent courageousness, seeing that,
+so often as I raised my gun to fire, they flung themselves upon their
+stomachs in the heather until I had finished,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198"></a></span> upon which I rallied them
+mercilessly upon their timidity, assuring them repeatedly that they had
+nothing to fear.</p>
+
+<p>Yet English and Scotch alike accuse us Bengalees of being subject to
+excessive funkiness. What about the Pot and the Kettle, Misters?</p>
+
+<p>I am to reserve the conclusion of my shooting experiences until a future
+occasion.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXV" id="XXV"></a>XXV</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his experiences on a Scotch moor,
+greatly to his own glorification.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Now</span> to resume the rather arbitrarily truncated account of my gunnery on
+Scottish moors.</p>
+
+<p>Before luncheon I ventured to remonstrate earnestly with my entertainer,
+Mr <span class="smcap">Bagshot</span>, Q.C., concerning the extreme severity with which he
+chastised a juvenile sporting hound of his for such trivial offences as
+running after some rabbit, or picking up slaughtered volatiles without
+receiving the <i>mot d'ordre</i>!</p>
+
+<p>"Listen, honourable Sir," I entreated him, "to the voice of Reason! It
+is the second nature of all such canines to pursue vermins, nor are they
+at all capable of comprehending the Why and Wherefore of a shocking
+flagellation. If it is your wish that this hound should play the part of
+a Tantalus, forbidden even to touch the <i>bonne-bouches</i> with his
+watering mouth, surely it is possible to restrain him by a more humane
+method than Brute Force!"</p>
+
+<p>At this mild reproof Mister <span class="smcap">Bagshot</span> became utterly rubescent, murmuring
+excuses which I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200"></a></span> did not catch; and I, perceiving
+that this object lesson of kindness to animals from an Oriental had strongly affected all
+the shooters, patted the hound on the forehead, consoling him with some
+chocolate I carried in my cartridge sack.</p>
+
+<p>We picnicked our lunch under a stone wall, and I, becoming an hilarious,
+rallied my companions unmercifully upon the solemnity with which they
+had marched in cautious silence, and with stern countenances as to
+attack some formidable foe&mdash;and all to slaughter sundry braces of
+inoffensive grouse-birds&mdash;truly an heroical sort of undertaking!</p>
+
+<p>To which Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span> replied, with his utterance impeded by cold
+pie, that I might congratulate myself on having kept my own hands
+unstained by any grouse's gore.</p>
+
+<p>"True, Mister Ex-Judge," I retorted, "but as you have already testified"
+(here I hoisted his own petard at him rather ingeniously), "I am more an
+<i>au fait</i> in the extermination of elephants <i>et hoc genus omne</i>, and
+have hitherto reserved my powder and shot for a stag or some similar
+monarch of the glen. However, after lunch let us see whether I am not
+competent to kill, or at least maim, one of these same grouse-fowls,
+<i>faute de mieux</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>A repartee which excited uproarious laughter (at Hon'ble C.'s expense)
+from all the present company.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Subsequently, we were posted in a row of small fortresses constructed of
+turfs, to await what is termed a "Drive," <i>i.e.</i>, until some flock of
+grouse-birds, exasperated to fury by the cries and blows of certain
+individuals called "beaters," should attack our positions.</p>
+
+<p>Hearing that the grouses on this moor were of an excessive wildness, I
+was at first apprehensive that one might fly at my nose or eyes while I
+was busied in defending myself against its fellows, but the keeper who
+was with me assured me that such was seldom their custom.</p>
+
+<p>And, indeed, such as came in my direction flew with wings so accelerated
+by panic that they were invisible before I could even select one as my
+target, so I was reduced to fire with considerable random. Presently the
+beaters approached, carrying flags of truce, and we sallied out of our
+forts to pick up the slain and wounded. After diligent search, I had the
+happiness to discover a grouse-bird, stone dead, in the heather, and,
+capering with triumph, called to the keeper to come and see the spoil.</p>
+
+<p>On his arrival, however, he said that he could not just think it would
+be my bird, as he had not noticed any fall in that direction. But after
+I had presented him with a piece of silver, he did agree that if I chose
+to claim the bird as mine, it was not his place to contradict me, and so in
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202"></a></span> great
+glee I exhibited my prize to the others, appealing to the
+keeper (who basely remained <i>sotto voce</i>) for confirmation.</p>
+
+<p>"A devilish clean shot, Prince!" Sir <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span> graciously remarked;
+"why, the bird is stiff and cold already!"</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon I was cordially congratulated, and awarded the tail feathers
+to decorate my "tommy-shanty," and during the next driving, having now
+acquired the knack, I rendered several more denizens of the air the
+<i>hors de combats</i>, though&mdash;either on account of their great ingenuity in
+running out of the radius, or creeping into holes, etc., or else the
+stupidity of the retrieving dogs&mdash;their corpses remained irrecoverable.</p>
+
+<p>On taking my leave, I expressed unbounded satisfaction with such sport
+as I had had, and my fixed intention to assist on some similar
+shooting-expedition, and Mr <span class="smcap">Bagshot</span> kindly promised to let me know if he
+should again have vacancy for an additional gun.</p>
+
+<p>I regret to say that young <span class="smcap">Howard</span>, who, having only laid low a couple of
+black cocks and a blue hare, was immoderately jealous of my superior
+skilfulness, did seek to depreciate it by insinuating that my grouse was
+one which, having been seriously wounded by other hands some days
+previously, had come up to the hills to shuffle off its mortal coil in
+seclusion, arguing
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205"></a></span> thus from its total absence of heat and
+suppleness.</p>
+
+<p>This is the merest quibble, and to travel out of the record, since, of
+course, if a bird is at all of a venerable age, it becomes stiff and
+deficient in vital warmth long before it is popped off! Moreover, if the
+grouse were not legitimately my property, why, forsooth, should I be
+permitted to carry it home?</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p203'></a>
+<img src="images/p203.jpg" width="468" height="700" alt="I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"I PRESENTED MY TROPHY AND TREASURE-TROVE TO THE FAIRYLIKE MISS WEE-WEE."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span>,
+who was so overwhelmed by the compliment that she entreated for it to be
+cooked and eaten <i>instanter</i>.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I have recovered a missing link of my fishing-rod (which it
+seems has been overlooked by Mister Pawnbroker), and when I have
+procured some suitable bait, &amp;c., it is my intention to catch a fine
+salmon out of the burn for my enchanting divinity, and, as I place the
+fish in her lily-like hands, to strike iron while it is hot and make her
+the formal proposal of matrimony.</p>
+
+<p>Mister <span class="smcap">Crum</span>, hearing of my piscatorial ambitions, has, with almost
+incredible simplicity, offered to lend me his salmon rod, with a volume
+of flies, little suspecting that he will be assisting me to catch two
+fish upon one hook! I am immensely tickled by such a tip-top joke, and
+can scarcely refrain from imparting it to Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> herself, though I
+shall wait until I have first secured the salmon.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>I had some valuable remarks upon Scottish idioms and linguistic
+peculiarities, &amp;c., but these, of course, are to be suppressed <i>sine
+die</i>&mdash;unless I am to be permitted to overflow into a special
+supplement.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXVI" id="XXVI"></a>XXVI</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. How he secured
+his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it to his divinity.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">Owing</span> mainly to lack of opportunity, invitations, <i>et c&aelig;tera</i>, I have
+not resumed the offensive against members of the grouse department, but
+have rather occupied myself in laborious study of Caledonian dialects,
+as exemplified in sundry local works of poetical and prose fiction,
+until I should be competent to converse with the <i>aborigines</i> in their
+own tongue.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p209'></a>
+<img src="images/p209.jpg" width="430" height="700" alt="Whether he had wha-haed wi' hon'ble Wallace?">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"WHETHER HE HAD WHA-HAED WI' HON'BLE WALLACE?"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Then (having now the diction of Poet <span class="smcap">Burns</span> in my fingers' ends) I did
+genially accost the first native I met in the street of Kilpaitrick,
+complimenting him upon his honest, sonsie face, and enquiring whether he
+had wha-haed wi' Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Wallace</span>, and was to bruise the Peckomaut, or
+ca' the knowes to the yowes. But, from the intemperance of his reply, I
+divined that he was totally without comprehension of my meaning!</p>
+
+<p>Next I addressed him by turns in the phraseologies of Misters <span class="smcap">Black</span>,
+<span class="smcap">Barrie</span>, and <span class="smcap">Crockett</span>, Esquires, interlarding my speech with
+"whatefers,"
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208"></a></span> and
+"hechs," and "ou-ays," and "dod-mons," and "loshes,"
+and "tods," <i>ad libitum</i>, to which after listening with the most earnest
+attention, he returned the answer that he was not acquainted with any
+Oriental language.</p>
+
+<p>Nor could I by any argument convince this beetle-head that I was simply
+speaking the barbarous accents of his native land!</p>
+
+<p>Since which, after some similar experiments upon various peasants, &amp;c.,
+I have made a rather peculiar discovery.</p>
+
+<p>There is no longer any such article as a separate Scottish language,
+and, indeed, I am in some dubitation whether it ever existed at all, and
+is not rather the waggish invention of certain audacious Scottishers,
+who have taken advantage of the insular ignorance and credulity of the
+British public to palm off upon it several highly fictitious kinds of
+unintelligible gibberish!</p>
+
+<p>Nay, I will even go farther and express a grave suspicion whether the
+Scotland of these bookish romances is not the daring imposture of a <i>ben
+trovato</i>. For, after a prolonged residence of over a fortnight, I have
+never seen anything approaching a mountain pass, nor a dizzy crag,
+surmounted by an eagle, nor any stag drinking itself full at eve among
+the shady trunks of a deer-forest! I have never met a single mountaineer
+in feminine bonnet and plumes and short petticoats, and pipes inserted
+in a bag. Nor do the inhabitants dance in the street upon
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211"></a></span> crossed
+sword-blades&mdash;this is purely a London practice. Nor have I seen any
+Caledonian snuffing his nostrils with tobacco from the discarded horn of
+some ram.</p>
+
+<p>Finding that my short kilt is no longer the mould of national form, I
+have now altogether abandoned it, while retaining the fox-tailed
+belly-purse on account of its convenience and handsome appearance.</p>
+
+<p>Now let me proceed to narrate how I became the captor of a large-sized
+salmon.</p>
+
+<p>Having accepted the loan of Mister <span class="smcap">Crum's</span> fishing-wand, and attached to
+my line certain large flies, composed of black hairs, red worsted, and
+gilded thread, which it seems the salmons prefer even to worms, I
+sallied forth along the riparian bank of a river, and proceeded to whip
+the stream with the severity of Emperor <span class="smcap">Xerxes</span> when engaged in
+flagellating the ocean.</p>
+
+<p>But waesucks! (to employ the perhaps spurious verbiage of aforesaid Poet
+<span class="smcap">Burns</span>) my line, owing to superabundant longitude, did promptly become a
+labyrinth of Gordian knots, and the flies (which are named <i>Zulus</i>)
+attached their barbs to my cap and adjacent bushes with well-nigh
+inextricable tenacity, until at length I had the bright idea to
+abbreviate the line, so that I could dangle my bait a foot or two above
+the surface of the water&mdash;where a salmon could easily obtain it by
+simply turning a somersault.</p>
+
+<p>However, after sitting patiently for an hour,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212"></a></span> as if on a monument, I
+could not succeed in catching the eye of any passing fish, and so,
+severely disheartened by my ill-luck, I was strolling on, shouldering my
+rod, when&mdash;odzooks! whom should I encounter but Mister <span class="smcap">Bagshot</span> and a
+party of friends, who were watching his keepers capture salmons from a
+boat by means of a large net, a far more practical and effectual method
+than the cumbersome and unreliable device of a meretricious fly with a
+very visible hook!</p>
+
+<p>And, just as I approached, the net was drawn towards the bank, and
+proved to contain three very large lively fishes lashing their tails
+with ungovernable fury at such detention!</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon I made the humble petition to Mister <span class="smcap">Bagshot</span> that, since he
+was now the favourite of Fortune, he was to remember him to whom she had
+denied her simpers, and bestow upon me the most mediocre of the salmons,
+since I was desirous to make a polite offering to the amiable daughter
+of my host and hostess.</p>
+
+<p>And with munificent generosity he presented me with the largest of the
+trio, which, with great jubilation, I endeavoured to carry off under my
+arm, though severely baffled by the extreme slipperiness with which
+(even after its decease) it repeatedly wallowed in dust, until someone,
+perceiving my fix, good-naturedly instructed me how to carry it by
+perforating its head with a piece of string.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>I found Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> in a secluded garden seat at the back of the Manse,
+incommoded, as usual, by the society of Mister <span class="smcap">Crum</span>. "Sir," I said,
+addressing him politely (for I was extremely anxious for his departure,
+since I could not well present my salmon to Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> and request the
+<i>quid-pro-quo</i> of her affection in his presence), "accept my gratitude
+for the usufruct of your rod, which has produced magnificent fruit. You
+will find the instrument leaning against the palings of the front
+garden." And with this I made secret signals to Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> that she
+was to dismiss him; but she remained bashful, and he seemed totally
+unaware that he was the drug of the market!</p>
+
+<p>At last, weary of concealing my captured salmon any longer behind the
+small of my back, I was about to inform Mister <span class="smcap">Crum</span> that he had Miss
+<span class="smcap">Louisa's</span> permission to absent himself, when she broke the silence by
+informing me that, as the old familiar friend of both parties, I was to
+be the first to hear a piece of news&mdash;to wit, that <span class="smcap">Donald</span> (Mister C.'s
+baptismal appellation) and she were just become the engaged couple!</p>
+
+<p>I was so overcome by grief and indignation at her perfidious duplicity
+(since she had frequently encouraged me in my mockeries of her admirer's
+uncouthness and rusticity), that I stuck in the throat, and then flung
+the salmon violently across a boundary hedge into a yard of poultry.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Madam," I said, "that fish was to have been laid at your feet as the
+visible pledge of my devotion. You have not only lost the gift of a
+splendid salmon, but have thrown away the heart of a well-educated
+native B.A. and Member of the Bar! And you have gained&mdash;hoity toity!
+What? Why, a Scotch Bun!"</p>
+
+<p>But almost immediately I was taken by violent remorse for my
+presumption, and shed the tears of contrition, entreating
+forgiveness&mdash;nay, more, I scrambled through a hole in a very thorny
+hedge, and, recovering the salmon (which had not had time to become very
+severely henpecked), I begged them to accept it between them as a token
+of my esteem and good wishes, which they joyfully consented to do. I had
+expected that my worthy host and hostess would have shared my astounded
+disappointment on hearing of their daughter's engagement; but, on the
+contrary, they received the news with smiling complacency.</p>
+
+<p>It appears that Mister <span class="smcap">Crum</span>, though endowed with a somewhat sheepish and
+bucolical exterior, is of tip-top Scottish caste and lineage, and the
+landed proprietor.</p>
+
+<p>I am not to deny the attractiveness of such qualities, though I had
+hitherto been under the Fool's Paradise of an impression that they would
+have infinitely preferred this humble self as a son-in-law.</p>
+
+<p>However, I am now emerging from my doleful
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215"></a></span> dumps, with the reflection
+that, after all, it is contrary to common-sense to drain the cup of
+misery to the dregs for so totally inadequate a cause as the ficklety of
+any feminine!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXVII" id="XXVII"></a>XXVII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, thereby affording
+his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal assistance. An apparent attempt to pack the Jury.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">The</span> Public will be astounded at the news (which came with the perfect
+novelty of a surprise upon this insignificant self) that I have ceased
+to be the cherished guest beneath the hired Scottish roof of Mister
+<span class="smcap">Leofric Allbutt-Innett</span> and his bucksome lady.</p>
+
+<p>It fell out after this fashion.</p>
+
+<p>One fine September morning, when I was accoutring myself in order to go
+out and hunt the robert (N.B. a genuine local Scotticism for individuals
+belonging to the rabbit genius), there came to me my young friend
+<span class="smcap">Howard</span>, who was to teach my young idea how to shoot, in great gloom,
+asking me if it would take me a prolonged period to pack up my
+<i>impedimenta</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I replied that I could do the trick instantaneously, inquiring the
+reason for his question.</p>
+
+<p>"Because," said he, "if I were you, I should have a wire requiring me to
+come up to London at once."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>"From my solicitor?" I inquired. "Is he then desirous of consulting with
+me?"</p>
+
+<p>My friend answered me that it was the one object of his present
+existence.</p>
+
+<p>"In that case," said I, rather spiritedly, "let him come up here, since
+I am not a mountain that I should obey the becking call of any Mahomet.
+Moreover, I am impatient to achieve the destruction of some Scottish
+roberts."</p>
+
+<p>"If you will take my advice," he said, "you will grant them a reprieve,
+and make a scarcity of yourself. There is a train for Glasgow which you
+can just catch. I wouldn't distress the Mater and Governor by any
+farewells, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"But," I objected, "I am not even in receipt of any telegram. Nor can I
+possibly omit the etiquette of a ceremonious leave-taking with your
+honourable parents."</p>
+
+<p>"Just as you please," replied he. "Just now the Governor and Mater are
+in the front sitting-room, engaged in perusing the back numbers of your
+precious 'Jossers and Tidlers' or whatever you call 'em, which have been
+thoughtfully forwarded by a relative. I don't think I'd disturb them."</p>
+
+<p>"Are they so hugely interested in the performances of my unassuming
+<i>penna</i>?" I cried, with the gratified simpering of a flattered.</p>
+
+<p>"It looked like it when I left the room," said he; "the Mater was very near rolling on the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218"></a></span> oilcloth, and
+the Governor dancing and foaming from
+his mouth. What an awfully old ass you have been, <span class="smcap">Jab</span>, to go and blurt
+out everything in print&mdash;about your breach of promise case, and getting
+to know us, and&mdash;worst of all&mdash;being merely a bogey prince. Naturally,
+we don't care about being made to look fools. The dear old Mater, you
+know, is one of those simple, trusting natures that, if they once
+discover they have been taken in by a sham title, why, they kick up the
+row of a deuce! And, as for the Governor, he's the sort of old retiring
+chap that has a downright loathing of publicity, when it makes him
+ridiculous. If he came across you just now, there's really no saying
+what he mightn't do. He's such a devilishly hot-tempered old boy!"</p>
+
+<p>I did not comprehend the reasons for such exuberant anger, but, of
+course, young <span class="smcap">Howard</span> insisted so urgently on physical dangers to myself
+if I delayed, that I hastened stealthily to my room by a backstair, and
+flinging my <i>paraphernalia</i> with incredible despatch into a portmanteau,
+was so fortunate as to convey it out of the house without attracting the
+invidious attention of my host and hostess, who were probably still
+occupied in foaming and rolling upon the carpet like angry waves of the
+sea.</p>
+
+<p>Young <span class="smcap">Howard</span> accompanied me to the station, though blaming me as the
+cause of his embroilment with his progenitors, who, it seems,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221"></a></span> had
+insisted&mdash;quite unjustly&mdash;that he must have known from the first that my
+nobility was merely a brevet rank; and Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee</span> bade me farewell
+with a soft and perfectly ladylike cordiality, being too grieved by my
+departure to make any allusion to the head and front of my offending.</p>
+
+<p>Now I am once more in London, paying daily visits of several hours to
+the office of my solicitor, in order to assist him in the preparation of
+my brief.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p219'></a>
+<img src="images/p219.jpg" width="386" height="700" alt="Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>The other day, Baboo <span class="smcap">Jalpanybhoy</span> and Baboo <span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span>
+attended for the purpose of arranging their evidence, when I regret to say the former
+made a rather paltry exhibition of himself, being declared by Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span>
+himself to be totally incompetent to prove anything whatever material to
+the case, and I am therefore resolved to refuse him admission to the
+witness-box.</p>
+
+<p>I am more hopeful of Mr <span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span>, who, I think, after diligent
+coaching from myself, may be induced to restrain his natural garrulity,
+and speak no more than is set down for him, which is simply that I have
+already, in his presence, contracted matrimony with a juvenile native,
+and that the laws of my country entitle me to marry several more.</p>
+
+<p>This is in support of one of my most subtle pleadings of defence, to
+wit, that I have already offered to marry the plaintiff according to my
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222"></a></span>
+country's laws, but that she did definitely decline such a marriage as
+polygamous (which it is indubitably liable to become at any moment),
+consequently, that my said contract is nilled by mutual consent.</p>
+
+<p>Mr <span class="smcap">Smartle</span> was of the opinion that the plaintiff's solicitors would move
+to strike out such a pleading as bad in law, since it is no defence to
+an action for breach of promise that the defendant is already the
+Benedick. Fortunately they have omitted to do this, and I anticipate
+exciting excessive admiration in Court by the ingenuity of my arguments
+from Analogy, Common Sense, Roman Law, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>My said solicitor has also communicated with Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd
+Cummerbund</span>, to inquire if he would consent to appear as a witness to my
+dependent filial condition, and entire lack of the sinews of war; which,
+with fatherly kindness, he has agreed to do, and, as he rather
+humorously puts it, convince the jury that I am the good riddance of bad
+rubbish.</p>
+
+<p>Now the decks are cleaned for action, and all is ready for the forensic
+logomachy as soon as it may please Providence and some associate in the
+Queen's Bench Division to place the suit of <i>Mankletow </i>v.<i> Jabberjee</i> in
+the list of causes for the day.</p>
+
+<p>My solicitor's advice, which I shall very probably adopt, is to keep as
+close as possible
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223"></a></span>to the issues, and more especially
+to the point that, if I gave any promise to marry at all, it was extorted from me by
+threats of bodily violence which reduced me to a blue funkiness.</p>
+
+<p>Also he recommends that I am not to attempt any golden-mouthed
+eloquence, thereby making the lamentable exhibit of a most stupendous
+ignorance of human nature!</p>
+
+<p>For what can melt the stony hearts of men, causing them to bellow like
+an ox and become tender as chickens, or what can rouse them to
+Indignation, Approval, Contempt, Wonderment, and every other known
+sentiment as required, so effectively as the trumpeting tongue of
+oratorical eloquence!</p>
+
+<p>All I can aver is that, if I am not to be permitted to draw the
+glittering sword of my tongue from the scabbard of my mouth, I shall
+infallibly, in sheer sickishness at such short-sighted folly, throw up
+my brief!</p>
+
+<p>I must not omit to say that if any of my fellow-colleagues on this
+periodical (of course including Hon'ble Editor) should be anxious to
+become eye-witnesses of my forensic <i>d&eacute;but</i>, I shall be overjoyed to
+procure their admission and will instruct the Usher that they are to be
+awarded the seats of honour. Perhaps it might even be feasible for two
+or three of them to obtain appointments as jurymen.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>If so, let them not turn the deaf ear to the gentle wheezings of their
+<i>esprit de corps</i>, but remember that it is not the custom for one eagle
+to peck another in his optics.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXVIII" id="XXVIII"></a>XXVIII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mankletow <span class="smcap">v.</span> Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee in Court during the proceedings.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><p class="center"><i>Queen's Bench Court, No. &mdash;&mdash;,</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="smcap">10.20 a.m.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length
+arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such
+tittles as take place. I have taken my seat in Court on one of the
+benches reserved for long-robed juniors; in my immediate rear being my
+solicitor, <span class="smcap">Sidney Smartle</span>, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer
+and Friend in Need.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p227'></a>
+<img src="images/p227.jpg" width="353" height="700" alt="Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"FRESH AS A DAISY, AND FINE AS A CARROT FRESH SCRAPED."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>
+and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared to greet them with
+effusive kindness, and assure them I was only a hostile in my
+professional capacity. Whether they were struck with awe by the
+unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &amp;c., in
+which I am fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped, or
+whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguisement of such
+toggeries, I am not to decide&mdash;but they passed by without responding
+visibly to my salutations.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">10.25.</span>&mdash;A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just
+entered the row in front. Mister <span class="smcap">Smartle</span> whispers to me that this is
+<span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition.</p>
+
+<p>I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce
+myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice,
+acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and
+was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritorious Native
+Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him
+not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his petitioner.</p>
+
+<p>However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor
+can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neighbour, to show me
+any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my
+treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any
+further overtures to such stuck-up individuals.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">10.30.</span>&mdash;Hon'ble Mister Justice <span class="smcap">Honeygall</span> enters in highly dignified
+fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which
+uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and
+smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my
+achieving the conquest of my spurs.</p>
+
+<p>The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-contributors to
+<i>Punch</i> are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229"></a></span>
+to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surreptitious simper. But
+this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence.</p>
+
+<p>The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and
+barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being
+evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely
+gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabulary. A poor tongue-tied
+devil of a chap whom I regard with pity!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but
+he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not
+shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted British advocacy.</p>
+
+<p>Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies
+he lavishes upon <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> that he is already the tangled fly in the web
+of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent
+barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through such a millstone as
+the female heart!</p>
+
+<p>He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions
+to my undeserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer
+without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation! However, though he
+makes bitter complaints of my interruptions, he does me the honour to
+refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified
+fervour, assuring him that I reciprocate his esteem.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Hon'ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that,
+unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will
+infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my
+interests by disregarding the customary etiquettes of the Bar.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">11.5.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> is giving her testimony. Indubitably she has greatly
+improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of
+Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if
+not more so) than Miss <span class="smcap">Wee-Wee's</span> own! Alack! that she should relate her
+story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude
+and well-assumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for,
+after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various
+unimportant details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait
+until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe
+measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of
+judicial impartiality!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">1.30 p.m.</span>&mdash;The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather
+severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being
+oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the
+result&mdash;which, owing to the partisanship of Hon'ble Bench, the
+disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss
+<span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span> ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my
+searching interrogatories,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231"></a></span> did not attain to the sanguine level of my
+expectations.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, when I asked her whether it was not the fact that I was
+notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the
+unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently
+described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and
+shooting man-eating tigers.</p>
+
+<p>Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I
+had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to
+compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain
+fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (interrupting in the most
+unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I
+seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry, he was unable
+to perceive the bearings of my query.</p>
+
+<p>Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of
+Poet <span class="smcap">Shakspeare's</span> birthplace, and required her&mdash;on her oath&mdash;to answer
+whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and
+whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to
+bestow the <i>disjecta membra</i> upon herself instead.</p>
+
+<p>To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew
+was that I had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had
+been expressly purchased for herself as a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232"></a></span> souvenir of my ardent
+affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it
+with some patent cement.</p>
+
+<p>Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to
+know what was passing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and
+informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless
+she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with
+applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I
+was entitled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was
+on no account to be permitted.</p>
+
+<p>Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious
+disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the
+gentlemen-boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with
+her upon such conduct. Here <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., bounded on to his feet,
+and protested that I was not entitled to put this question now, since I
+had not dared to allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached
+my promise owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of
+submitting to such objection, <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> answered in mellifluous accents
+that she had never manifested more than ordinary civility towards any
+gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed passionate jealousy of them
+all prior to my engagement&mdash;though never since, because she had never
+afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with
+tender commiseration; for her maidenly distress did only increase her
+charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself,
+observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do
+me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the
+Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations!</p>
+
+<p>Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on
+the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and
+whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr
+<span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span> for corroboration of my story, and that he had informed
+her that my said wife was a <i>post mortem</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr <span class="smcap">Ram</span> said was not
+evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon'ble Judge partly
+upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation
+was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation,
+thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story.</p>
+
+<p>Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of
+<span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he
+admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to reduce the
+damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the
+first to brief <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>. But this is to croak like a raven, for the
+cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the
+Gift of the Gab&mdash;in which I am notoriously <i>nulli secundus</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">2.15 p.m.</span>&mdash;The Court has returned. <span class="smcap">Witherington's</span> Junior
+has called <span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span> mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather
+painful duty to cross-examine sharply.</p>
+
+<p>Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. <i>Sursum
+corda!</i> I must buck it up.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXIX" id="XXIX"></a>XXIX</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow <span class="smcap">v.</span> Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's
+Opening for the Defence.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><p class="center">
+<i>Queen's Bench Court, No. &mdash;&mdash;,</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="smcap">2.40 p.m.</span>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">I have</span> just resumed my seat after a rather searching examination of
+Madam <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span>, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly
+taken by my solicitor:&mdash;</p><br>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">My Solicitor's said Notes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Mrs <span class="smcap">Martha Mankletow</span> (<i>formidable old party&mdash;all bugles and bombazine</i>).
+Would certainly describe her establishment as 'select'; all of her male
+boarders perfect gentlemen&mdash;except defendant. Was never anxious to
+secure him for her daughter&mdash;on the contrary, would have much preferred
+her son-in-law white. Gave her consent because of the passionate
+attachment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of
+princely rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her
+daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with
+personal chastisement from other boarders if he denied any engagement.
+Did say that if he meant nothing serious
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236"></a></span> after all the marked
+attentions he had paid the plaintiff, he deserved to be cut dead by all
+the gentlemen in the house. Insisted on the engagement being made public
+at once; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether
+defendant was married already, or how many wives he was entitled to in
+his own country&mdash;he had taken good care not to say anything about all
+that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never
+had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his
+heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get
+over the slight of being jilted by a black man....</p>
+
+<p>Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation
+and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly educated
+Indian University man and qualified native barrister.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">3.15.</span>&mdash;More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss <span class="smcap">Spink</span> and sundry select
+boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my
+engagement. Seeing that they were predetermined not to answer favourably
+to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister <span class="smcap">Witherington's</span> book, and said
+that I had no questions to ask.... The plaintiff's junior has just sat
+down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the
+tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>The annexed report, though sadly meagre and doing very scanty justice to
+the occasion, is furnished by my friend young <span class="smcap">Howard</span>, who was present in
+Court at the time....</p>
+
+<p><i>Jab.</i> (<i>in a kind of sing-song</i>). May it please your venerable lordship
+and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar
+predicament of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known
+character in the dramatic works of your immortal <i>litt&eacute;rateur</i> Poet
+<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>. I allude to <span class="smcap">Othello</span> on the occasion of his
+pleading before the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a
+speech which I shall commence by quoting in full&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p237'></a>
+<img src="images/p237.jpg" width="600" height="590" alt="Mr Justice Honeygall.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"MR JUSTICE HONEYGALL."</span></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Mr Justice Honeygall.</i> One moment, Mr <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, I am always reluctant
+to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury
+if I remind you that the illustration you propose to give us is hardly
+as happy as it might be. The head and front of <span class="smcap">Othello's</span> offending,
+unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of his
+affections, whereas in <i>your</i> case&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Jab.</i> (<i>plaintively</i>). Your lordship, it is not humanly possible that I
+can exhibit even ordinary eloquence if I am to be interrupted by
+far-fetched and frivolous objections. The story of <span class="smcap">Othello</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Justice H.</i> What the jury want to hear is not <span class="smcap">Othello's</span> story, but
+yours, Sir, and your
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240"></a></span> proper course is to go into the
+witness-box at once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly
+as you can. When you have given your own evidence and called any
+witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of
+addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you
+apparently place so much reliance.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Here poor old </i><span class="smcap">Jab</span><i> bundles off to the witness-box, and
+takes some outlandish oath or other with immense gusto,
+after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling
+rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him
+up, which he does about every other minute. This is the sort
+of thing that goes on:&mdash;</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Jab.</i> At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous and no
+Leviathan of valour&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I've not got
+down half what you said before that. (<i>Reads laboriously from his
+notes.</i>) "In panicstricken apprehension of being severely assaulted <i>&agrave;
+posteriori</i>." Who do you say threatened to assault you in that
+manner&mdash;the plaintiff's mother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jab.</i> I have already had the honour to inform your lordship that I was
+utterly intimidated by the savage threats of the plaintiff's mother
+that,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241"></a></span> unless I consented to become the betrothed, she would summon
+certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected
+person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that
+description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (<i>Reads as he
+writes.</i>) "I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff's mother that
+she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I
+consented to become engaged to plaintiff." Is <i>that</i> what you say?</p>
+
+<p><i>Jab.</i> (<i>beaming</i>). Your lordship's acute intellect has comprehended my
+<i>pons asinorum</i> with great intelligence.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>looking at him under his spectacles</i>). Umph! Well, go on.
+What next?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>So old </i><span class="smcap">Jab</span><i> goes on gassing away,
+at such a deuce of a rate
+that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits
+staring at </i><span class="smcap">Jab</span><i> in resigned disgust</i>. (<i>It was spell-bound
+attentiveness.</i>&mdash;H. B. J.)
+<span class="smcap">Jab <i>will</i></span> <i>spout and</i> <span class="smcap"><i>won't</i></span> <i>keep to
+the point; but, all the same, I fancy, somehow, he's getting
+round the Jury. He's such a jolly innocent kind of old ass,
+and they like him because he's no end of sport. The
+plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence
+uncommonly well; but, unless </i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242"></a></span>
+<span class="smcap">Witherington</span><i> turns up again, I
+believe old </i><span class="smcap">Jab</span><i> will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't
+taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course
+he managed to get in a speech.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Jab.</i> Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced
+attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is
+incredible that any English female, of genteel upbringings and the
+lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box,
+it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a
+mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly
+to endure a domestic existence exposed to the slings and arrows of a
+perpetual gorilla warfare from various native aunts and sisters-in-law,
+or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach, after the
+luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple,
+unostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of
+the jury, as warm-hearted noble-minded English gentlemen, you will never
+condemn an unfortunate and industrious native graduate and barrister to
+make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families
+with such a bone of contention as a European better half, who will
+infallibly plunge him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars!
+I shall now vacate the witness-box in favour of my
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243"></a></span> intimate friend and
+fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd Cummerbund</span>, who will tell
+you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>rising</i>). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir
+<span class="smcap">Chetwynd</span> here, Mr <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, there
+is a little formality you appear to
+have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel will probably wish before you
+leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross-examination, and
+that must stand over till to-morrow. (<i>At this, old Jab's jaw falls
+several holes.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Note by Mr Jabberjee.</span>&mdash;<i>Hereford Road, Bayswater.</i>&mdash;I am excessively
+gratified by the result of my first day's trial, being already the
+established favourite and chartered libertine of the whole Court, who
+split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am no longer
+immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly
+examined&mdash;especially since <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., has abandoned his brief
+in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is incompetent to exclaim Bo! to
+a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be
+interrogated by a mere underling.</p>
+
+<p>The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter indifference of
+<span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> to my aforesaid triumphs. At the termination of the hearing
+to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse
+with the smartly-attired curly-headed young solicitor who is
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244"></a></span> acting on
+her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity!</p>
+
+<p>Alackaday! <i>varium et mutabile semper f&oelig;mina!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXX" id="XXX"></a>XXX</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mankletow <span class="smcap">v.</span> Jabberjee (part heard.) Mr Jabberjee finds cross-examination
+much less formidable than he had anticipated.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">It</span> is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a
+transcendental success that already the Court is tight as a drum, while
+a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors!</p>
+
+<p>I was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not
+responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert my utmost
+influence with the Hon'ble Judge that they were all to be admitted.</p>
+
+<p>But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the
+entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was not to be the
+bally-fool.</p>
+
+<p>In the trough I perceive <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> seated, in a hat even more
+resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a
+little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plaintiff of such
+a stylish and elegant appearance.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p247'></a>
+<img src="images/p247.jpg" width="494" height="700" alt="Witherington, Q.C.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"WITHERINGTON, Q.C."</span></p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">10.25 a.m.</span>&mdash;After all, <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., has
+paid me the marked compliment of turning
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246"></a></span> up to personally conduct my cross-examination. At
+which <span class="smcap">Smartle</span>, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of
+turning my inside out in no time unless I am preciously careful. But,
+knowing that such inhuman barbarities are not feasible in civilised
+regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance....</p>
+
+<p><i>Later.</i>&mdash;I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole)
+with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment,
+<span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and
+sympathetic interest in my career, &amp;c., which rendered me completely at
+my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial
+severity, I soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea-pot,
+and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies.
+And for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a
+kind and facetious familiarity.</p>
+
+<p>I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with
+instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable
+doltishness he has done the exact converse, and transcribed merely the
+utterances of Mister <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>! However, as I do not accurately
+recall my responses, I am to insert the report here <i>pro tanto</i>,
+trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249"></a></span></p><br>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Here Follows the Report.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Witherington, Q.C.</i> Well, Mr <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, so it seems that it is all a
+mistake about your being a Prince, eh?... And, however such an idea may
+have originated, <i>you</i> never represented yourself as a Rajah, or
+anything of the kind?... I was sure you would say so. You have such a
+high regard for truth, and such a deep sense of the obligation of an
+oath, that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time&mdash;may
+I take that for granted?... Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr
+<span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, from a
+certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on,
+that you must be of high rank in your own country?... But, though you
+don't set up to be a Prince, you are, I believe, a recent acquisition to
+the honourable profession of which we are both members?... And also a
+journalist of some distinction, are you not?... Indeed? I congratulate
+you&mdash;a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the proprietors have
+shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a
+pecuniary sense?... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>!
+Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their
+pen while they are waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ask if you
+intend to practise
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250"></a></span> in
+this country?... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then I
+suppose you can count upon influence out there?... Your father a
+<i>Mooktear</i>, is he? I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly.... A
+solicitor? <i>Now</i> I understand. So he will give you cases&mdash;in which I am
+sure you will distinguish yourself. But you'll have to work hard, won't
+you?... I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh?...
+That's a drawback, isn't it? You're passionately devoted to
+tiger-shooting, aren't you? Unless I'm mistaken, you first won the
+plaintiff's admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your
+"moving accidents by flood and field"&mdash;another parallel between you and
+<span class="smcap">Othello</span>, eh? Well, tell me, I'm no sportsman myself&mdash;but it's rather a
+thrilling moment, isn't it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your
+elephant, and get inside the&mdash;what do you call it&mdash;howlah?&mdash;oh,
+<i>howdah</i>, to be sure; thank you, very much.... So I should have
+imagined. Still, I suppose, when you're used to it, even that wouldn't
+shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your
+tiger at close quarters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just
+so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now&mdash;isn't a boar
+rather an awkward customer to tackle?... "You never found him so"? But
+suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse?... Ah, you're a
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251"></a></span> mighty
+hunter, Mr <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, I perceive! Ever shoot any
+elephants?... <i>No</i> elephants? That's a pleasure to come, then. Now,
+about your relations with the plaintiff prior to your engagement&mdash;you
+were a good deal in her company, weren't you?... Well, you constantly
+escorted her to various places of amusement, come?... Yes, yes; I am
+quite aware a <i>chaperon</i> was always present. We are both agreed that my
+client has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety&mdash;but you
+liked being in her society, didn't you?... Exactly so, and, at that time
+at all events, you admired her extremely?... "Merely as a friend," eh?
+no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came
+to engage yourself.... You were afraid your landlady would summon a
+boarder and ask him to give you a kicking?... And the prospect of being
+kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise
+anything&mdash;is <i>that</i> your story?... But you are a man of iron nerve, you
+know, you've just been giving us a description of your performances in
+the jungle. How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the
+attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you turn a hair?...
+But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn't it?... Then
+do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you
+never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252"></a></span> life? Why
+didn't you say so at once, Sir.... Do you consider a misrepresentation
+of that kind a mere trifle?... In spite of the fact that you have
+solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
+truth?... Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just look at
+this letter of yours. (Your lordship has a copy of the
+correspondence.... Yes, it is all admitted, my lord.) I'll read it to
+you. (<i>Reads it.</i>) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually
+consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer
+to your family upon your marriage with the plaintiff? Be careful what
+you say.... And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance?...
+Then was there a word of truth in all that?... I thought as much. Let me
+read you another letter. (<i>He reads.</i>) Here, you see, you make quite
+another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer the
+plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or "<i>sateen</i>," as you call it.
+Have you ever contracted an infant marriage in India?... Oh, that <i>is</i>
+true, is it? But why, when you were paying these attentions to the
+plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a
+married man?... "You don't know?" May it not have been because you were
+a widower? Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this
+letter?... Then why did you write of her as if she were alive?... I
+quite believe <i>that</i>&mdash;but why
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253"></a></span> were you so anxious to break it off just
+then?... Well, when you were cross-examining the plaintiff you asked her
+about a certain china ornament you had given her, which seems to have
+been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her
+name here&mdash;but you made her acquaintance some time after your
+engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you
+have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers,
+weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch
+gentleman at the present moment&mdash;I'm putting it to you that, at the time
+you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed
+the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the
+honour of being the second Mrs <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>.... I am not suggesting that
+you could help it&mdash;but wasn't it so?... Very well&mdash;that is all I have to
+ask you Mr <span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>. You can go....</p>
+
+<p>I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters
+did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I
+have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not
+worth a candle to call any further witnesses&mdash;especially as Hon'ble
+<span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span> has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for
+Baboo <span class="smcap">Chuckerbutty Ram</span>, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254"></a></span>
+violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court.</p>
+
+<p>So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly
+secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as
+Cock of the Roost.</p>
+
+<p>Only I regret that <span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span> visage is now completely invisible to me,
+being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry
+on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional
+adviser&mdash;which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and
+Hon'ble Justice <span class="smcap">Honeygall</span>!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXXI" id="XXXI"></a>XXXI</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Mankletow <span class="smcap">v.</span> Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to a somewhat
+unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><span class="smcap">My</span> aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the
+literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble
+idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.&mdash;H. B. J.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Verbatim Report</span> (<i>unofficial</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Baboo Jab.</i> May it please your mighty honour and great notorious
+gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to
+behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the <i>locus
+standi</i> of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as
+a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking
+visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your
+unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine
+wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the <i>ad captandum</i> charms of feminine
+cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely
+dead for want of funds, and if I had
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256"></a></span> only been able to call my revered
+and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>, he would infallibly
+have testified&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> As you did not think proper&mdash;no doubt for excellent
+reasons&mdash;to put Sir <span class="smcap">Chetwynd</span> in the box when you could have done so, Mr
+<span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now
+upon the evidence he might or might not have given.</p>
+
+<p><i>Baboo J.</i> I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's
+argument. The fact is, that the said Sir <span class="smcap">Cummerbund</span>, on hearing my
+answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my
+friend <span class="smcap">Witherington's</span> cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I
+had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be
+excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in
+this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me
+to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact
+that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by
+haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For
+how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked
+and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate
+for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did
+remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks&mdash;until I
+encountered a still
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257"></a></span> younger
+and more bewitching lady, who became the
+Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I
+left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on
+very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent
+young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and
+solicitude between two stools! (<i>Roars of laughter.</i>) Misters, like the
+frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:&mdash;"for
+you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious
+affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that
+she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I
+made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a
+superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug
+for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my
+unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears
+to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in
+flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor!
+(<i>Sensation.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Witherington, Q.C.</i> (<i>rising</i>). My lord, I really must protest. There
+is absolutely <i>no</i> justification for the defendant's outrageous
+insinuation. I am informed by Miss <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> that she simply asked the
+gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> I fail to see, Mr
+<span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span>, what
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258"></a></span> advantage you can hope
+to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my
+immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the
+trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bab. J.</i> I am highly satisfied by your lordship's <i>obiter dictum</i>. Not
+being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was
+misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before
+again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of
+plaintiff's <i>bona fides</i> in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse.
+Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal
+of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and
+business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws
+of country or <i>vice vers&acirc;</i>, to take to myself a single additional native
+wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without
+prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a
+rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of
+such a gifted horse as myself. (<i>Great laughter, and some sensation in
+Court as </i><span class="smcap">Jabberjee</span><i> sits down</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Witherington, Q.C.</i> Your lordship will see that this&mdash;ah&mdash;rather
+unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the
+plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (<i>The Judge nods:
+breathless excitement in Court while the</i>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259"></a></span><i>plaintiff's solicitor carries
+on an animated conversation with </i>Mr W.<i> in undertones.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Witherington</i> (<i>rising once more</i>). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my
+duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which
+the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is
+the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the
+circumstances. (<span class="smcap">Jab.</span> <i>beams</i>.) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone
+the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be
+called upon to endure (<i>"Hear, hear!" from </i><span class="smcap">Jab.</span>), and out of that
+ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed.</p>
+
+<p>I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy
+sentiments of rancour or revenge. (<span class="smcap">Jab.</span> <i>beams more effulgently still</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>But</i>, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman
+may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which
+she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impassable
+barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them!
+(<span class="smcap">Jab.'s</span> <i>smile becomes a trifle less assured</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261"></a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a name='p261'></a>
+<img src="images/p261.jpg" width="454" height="700" alt="Jabberjee's face gradually lengthens.">
+<p class="center">
+<span class="caption">"JABBERJEE'S FACE GRADUALLY LENGTHENS."</span></p></div>
+
+<p>After the disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to
+evade his obligations; his disingenuous defences; his insulting
+innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in
+that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has painted
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260"></a></span> of
+the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, I ask
+you, gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceivable
+that the plaintiff can retain any respect or affection for him, or have
+sufficient courage and confidence to entrust her happiness to such
+hands? (<span class="smcap">Jab.'s</span> <i>face gradually lengthens</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>Once, it is true, under the glamour of her own girlish illusions, she
+was ready to expatriate herself, to endure an alien existence, and
+strange manners and customs for his beloved sake; but now, now that her
+ideal is shattered, her dream dispelled,&mdash;now, it is too late!
+Gentlemen, my client's answer is&mdash;and it is one which will only command
+your increased respect:&mdash;"No. He has broken my heart, undermined my
+belief in human nature, cast a blight upon my existence. (Miss M. <i>sobs
+audibly, here, and </i><span class="smcap">Jab.</span><i> is visibly affected.</i>) Much as I should like to
+recover my old belief in him, much as it would be to my worldly
+advantage to marry a wealthy Bengali barrister with talents and
+influence which are certain to lead to rapid promotion in his native
+land (<span class="smcap">Jab.</span> <i>bows, and then shakes his head in protest</i>), he has made me
+suffer too much, I cannot accept him now!"</p>
+
+<p>(<i>The learned Counsel then dealt exhaustively with various portions of
+the case, and concluded thus.</i>) Well, gentlemen, I shall not have to
+trouble you with many further remarks, but I will just say this before I
+sit down:&mdash;The
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263"></a></span> defendant
+amongst innumerable other ingenious excuses,
+has pleaded for your indulgence on the score of poverty. He has the
+brazen effrontery to plead poverty, forsooth! after complacently
+admitting, in that box, that he is earning at this very moment an income
+by his pen alone that might be envied by many a hardworking English
+journalist! I do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the
+defendant; on the contrary, gentlemen, I consider it does credit to his
+ability and enterprise. (<span class="smcap">Jab.</span> <i>bows again</i>.) But at the same time it
+disposes effectually of his allegation that he is without means, and
+indeed, leaving his literary gains entirely out of the question, it must
+have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of
+living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary
+resources. Bearing this in mind, gentlemen, I ask you to mark your sense
+of his heartless treatment of the plaintiff, and the mental and social
+injury she has suffered on his account, by awarding her substantial
+damages; not, I need scarcely say, in any spirit of vindictiveness, but
+as some compensation (however inadequate) for all she has gone through,
+and also as a warning to other ingratiating but unprincipled Orientals
+that they cannot expect to trifle with the artless affection of our
+generous, warmhearted English maidens without paying&mdash;aye, and paying
+dearly, too! for the amusement. (<i>He sits down amidst applause.</i>)
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264"></a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Note by Mr Jabberjee.</span>&mdash;Hon'ble Judge is to sum up after lunch. I am
+highly pained and disappointed that my friend <span class="smcap">Witherington</span> should have
+shown himself a perfidious, and have taken the liberty as he quitted the
+Court to murmur the plaintive remonstrance of "<i>Et tu, Brute!</i>" into the
+cavity of his left ear.</p>
+
+<p>My solicitor, <span class="smcap">Sidney Smartle</span>, is of the opinion that my case is looking
+"a bit rocky," but that much will depend upon how the Judge sums up.
+What a pity that, owing to judicial red-tapery, I am prohibited from
+popping in upon him at lunch and importuning him to pronounce a decree
+in my favour!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span>
+<h2 class="roman"><a name="XXXII" id="XXXII"></a>XXXII</h2>
+
+<p class="chaphead">Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many Readers will
+receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell.</p>
+
+<p class="clearpara"><p class="center">
+<i>Queen's Bench Court, No. &mdash;&mdash;,</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="smcap">2 p.m.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hon'ble Justice Honeygall</span> is now summing-up, in such very nice, chatty,
+confidential style that it is impossible to hear one half of his
+observations, while the remainder is totally inaudible.... Nevertheless,
+I already gather that he regards the affair with the restricted
+narrowminded view that it is simply the question of damages.... He
+appears to be now discussing whether my testimony that I am of such
+excessive natural funkiness as to be intimidated by a few threats into
+my matrimonial engagement is humanly credible.... I cannot at all
+comprehend why, at his frequent references to my alleged
+tiger-slaughters&mdash;which, with shrewd commonsense sapience, he seems to
+consider mere ideally fabricated fibs and fanciful yarns&mdash;the whole
+Court should be so convulsed with unmeaning merriment, nor why so stern
+a Judge does not make any attempt to check such disorderly
+interruptions....<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>So far as my imperfect hearing can ascertain, he has been instructing
+the jury that they may utterly dismiss from their minds my highly
+ingenious plea of inability to offer any other kind of matrimony than a
+polygamous union&mdash;surely, a very, very slipshod off-hand method of
+disposing of such a nice sharp quillet of the Law!... He is talking to
+them about my means, and has thrown out a rather apt suggestion that I
+may have been led by sheer vaingloriousness and Oriental love of
+hyperbole into exaggerating my resources.... However, he "sees no reason
+to doubt my competence to pay a reasonable amount of damages"&mdash;an
+opinion with which I am not so pleased. "If the jury think me a gay sort
+of Hindoo deceiver, who has heartlessly trifled with the affections of a
+simple, unsuspecting English girl, that will lead them to award
+substantial damages. If, on the other hand, they consider myself an
+inexperienced Oriental ninnyhammer of a fellow, who has been entrapped
+into an engagement by an ambitious, artful young woman&mdash;why, that may
+incline them to inflict a merely nominal penalty." (But why, I should
+like to know, does a Judge, who is infinitely more capable than a dozen
+doltish juryman to express a decided opinion, thus put on the
+double-faced mask of ambiguity, and run with the hare and halloo with
+the hounds, like
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267"></a></span>some
+Lukeworm from Laodicea?) ... Now he is mentioning
+"certain circumstances, which he is bound to tell the jury have made a
+strong impression on his own mind." ... Alack, that, owing to the
+incorrigible mumbling of his diction, I cannot succeed in ascertaining
+what these said circumstances are!... He has begun (I think) to
+discourse concerning my latest offer of marriage in open Court. What a
+pity that hon'ble judges should not study to acquire at least ordinary
+proficiency in such a simple affair as Elocution!</p>
+
+<p>"It may strike you, gentlemen, that if the plaintiff had any genuine
+affection for the defendant, or any actual intention of linking her lot
+with his, she would&mdash;&mdash;" (the rest is a severe mumble!) "Or again, you
+may take into consideration&mdash;&mdash;" (but precisely <i>what</i> they are to take
+is, to myself, a dumb show!). "Still, after making every possible
+allowance for the idealising effects of the tender passion upon the
+female judgment, I confess I find it a little difficult to persuade
+myself that&mdash;&mdash;" (Again I am not in at the finish&mdash;but, from the
+bristling and tossing of <span class="smcap">Jessimina's</span> hat-plumes, I am in great hopes
+that it contained something complimentary to myself.) ... He has just
+concluded with the observation that, "after what they have seen and
+heard of the defendant during the proceedings, the jury should find
+little difficulty in arriving at a fairly accurate estimate of the loss
+which a young lady of British birth and bringing-up
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268"></a></span>would sustain by
+her failure to secure such a husband."</p>
+
+<p>From the last it is clear that his hon'ble lordship meant that, in
+secret, he has the highest opinion of my merits, though he entirely
+overlooked the obvious fact that he would have better carried out his
+benevolent and patronising intentions towards me by affecting (just now)
+to consider me only a worthless poor chap. But even the most
+subtly-trained European intellects are curiously backward in such
+elementary chicaneries!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">3 p.m.</span>&mdash;The jury are assembling their heads. They seem generally
+agreed&mdash;except a couple of stout ones who are lolling back and listening
+with mulish simpers. If I were certain that they were fellow-colleagues
+from <i>Punch</i>, I would encourage them by secret signs to persevere&mdash;but
+who knows that they may not be partisans of the plaintiff? If so, they
+deserve to be condignly punished for such obstinate dull-headedness....
+The foreman has asked that they may retire, whereupon Justice <span class="smcap">Honeygall</span>
+answers them, "certainly," and retires his own person
+contemporaneously....</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">3.15 p.m.</span>&mdash;The jury are still absentees. In reply to my questions, my
+solicitor says that, as far as he can see, the damages can't be under
+&pound;250, and may amount to a cold "Thou" (or thousand)! Adding that, if I
+had only let him brief <span class="smcap">Witherington</span>, Q.C., I might have got off
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269"></a></span> with
+&pound;50, or even what is nominally called a farthing. But I say to him, in
+such a case how could I possibly have acquired any forensic distinction?
+To which he has no reply ready.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">3.30.</span>&mdash;The jury are still delayed by the two stouts. I have just
+attempted to chat over the affair with <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span> and
+Madame <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span>,
+and ascertain whether the former will not accept myself at the eleventh
+hour as payment in full of all damages, costs, &amp;c. Mrs M. replies that
+the jurymen are notoriously in favour of her daughter, and that she
+would as soon see her in gates of grave as the bride of a black man. On
+closer approach to <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>, I have made the rather disenchanting
+discovery that she has rendered her nose lilac from too much superfluity
+of face-powder. Perhaps, after all, the damages may not be so very....
+The jury are coming back. Hon'ble Judge is fetched hurriedly.... Mister
+Associate asks: "Have you agreed upon your verdict?" Answered that they
+have. "Do they find for plaintiff or defendant?" "For plaintiff." And
+the damages? "<i>Twenty-five Thou!!!</i>" My stars! O Gemini! Who'd have
+thought it? My Progenitor will never pay the piper for such an
+atrociously cacophonous tune.... I am a done-for!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">3.35 p.m.</span>&mdash;All right. I was deceived by aural
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270"></a></span> incorrectness. It is not
+twenty-five <i>thou.</i>&mdash;but twenty-five <i>pounds</i>!</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">3.45 p.m.</span>&mdash;Hiphussar! Cockadoodledoo! A mere bite from a flea!... The
+plaintiff has fallen into hystericals from disappointed
+avariciousness.... There is some idle talk about costs following the
+event, and certifying for a special jury&mdash;a luxury for which it seems I
+am not to fork out. The case is over.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;'>
+
+<p>Outside in the corridor and hall I was the cynosure of neighbouring
+eyes, and vociferously applauded as a "good old nigger," and told that
+"now they <i>shouldn't</i> be long," though for what else they were waiting I
+could not learn. Madame <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> did overtake me near the doors and
+invite me to tea and talk in a coffee and bun emporium, hinting that she
+had recently misunderstood the state of her daughter's heart, and that
+she had in reality been ardently desirous from the first to accept my
+offer. To which I replied that the gates of grave were now hermetically
+closed, and that the plaintiff, like the fabulous canine, had thrown
+away the meaty bone of a first-class opportunity in exchange for the
+rather flimsy and shadowy form of a twenty-five pound note. But, as a
+chivalrous, I refrained from saying that I had been thus totally put off
+by an over-powdered nose.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>Then I proceeded, amidst cheering populaces, up Chancery Lane to a
+certain Bar, wherein young <span class="smcap">Howard</span> regaled myself and solicitor very
+handsomely upon anchovy sandwiches and champagne-wine, after which I
+returned to Hereford Road full of ovation and cheerfulness.</p>
+
+<p>It is practically certain that my sire, the Mooktear, will cockahoop
+with paternal pride on hearing by telegram of my moral victory, and
+celebrate same with fireworks and festivities, besides sending ample
+remittances for all costs out of pocket, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>So I am now to return shortly to Calcutta, when my time will be too
+exclusively taken up with forensic triumphs for any further jotting or
+tittling for <i>Punch</i>, or similar periodicals.</p>
+
+<p>After all, for a fellow who is able to enchant multitudes, and persuade
+their intellects and reasoning faculties by dint of golden verbolatory
+of diction, mere sedentary journalism is a very mediocre and poorly-paid
+pursuit!</p>
+
+<p>Notwithstanding my cessation as a contributor, I shall, on arriving in
+India, infallibly recommend <i>Punch</i> to all my innumerable aunts,
+families, and friends, as a highly respectable periodical&mdash;provided that
+the munificent and free-hearted generosity of those Hon'ble Misters, the
+Editor and Proprietors, shall account me worthy to draw a monthly
+retiring pension for my distinguished services.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272"></a></span></p>
+
+<p>And, with prostrated respects to my honoured readers and their
+respective relatives, I have the honour to remain, ever and anon,</p>
+
+<p class="txtright">Their Excellencies most grateful, humble, and obedient servant,<br>
+H. B. J.</p><br><br><br>
+
+<h4>THE END</h4>
+<br><br><br>
+<h6>THE TEMPLE PRESS, PRINTERS, LETCHWORTH</h6>
+<hr class="pg">
+<p class="center">Transcriber's Notes:</p>
+
+<p>Table of Contents corrections (page iv):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">XXIX: opening changed to Opening to match text:</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow </i>v.<i> Jabberjee.
+Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence.</i></span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">XXXII: readers changed to Readers to match text:</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many Readers
+will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>Illustration captions changed in List of Illustrations (pages v-vi):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"<i>Let out! let out!!</i>" changed to "<i>Let out! Let out!!</i>" to reflect text.</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"<i>Huzza! tol-de-rol-loll!</i>" changed to "<i>Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!</i>" to reflect text.</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"<i>I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairy-like Miss Wee-wee.</i>" changed
+to "<i>I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee.</i>" to reflect text.</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter I, punctuation (page 1):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Changed : to ; to match Table of Contents: "Mr Jabberjee apologises for
+the unambitious scope of his work;"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter IV, capitalization (page 30):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">CO. changed to Co. for consistency: "Hon'ble <span class="smcap">Reynolds</span> and
+<span class="smcap">Turner</span> and <span class="smcap">Greuzy</span> and Co.
+predominated as Old Masters."</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter V, spelling (page 33):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Jessiminia to Jessimina: "In consequence of the increasing demands of the
+incomparable Miss <span class="smcap">Jessimina</span>"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter VI, spelling (page 46):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mankeltow to Mankletow: "and that Misses <span class="smcap">Mankletow</span> and
+<span class="smcap">Spink</span> were similarly imperceptible."</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter X, spelling (page 75):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Jaberjee to Jabberjee: "Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight."</span><br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#flame">fame to flame</a>: "some, secreting their cigars in the hollow
+of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find it flame;"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter XIII, spelling (page 96):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">bethrothal to betrothal: "My preceding article announced the
+important intelligence of my betrothal"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter XV, spelling (page 117):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">turqoise to turquoise: "Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified until I had
+bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best English workmanship,"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter XVI, spelling (page 125):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Allbutt-Innet changed to Allbutt-Innett: "Consequently I did cock-a-hoop for
+joy on receiving an invitation from my friend <span class="smcap">Allbutt-Innett</span>,"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter XVII, illustration:<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><a href="#frontis">frontispiece</a> has been reproduced and inserted at appropriate place in text.</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter XIX, illustration caption (page 151):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">period changed to exclamation point to reflect text: "Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"</span></p>
+
+<p>Chapter XXVIII, subheading punctuation (page 225):<br>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"No. &mdash;&mdash;." changed to "No. &mdash;&mdash;," for consistency in text.</span></p>
+<br>
+<p class="center">End of Transcriber's Notes.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Baboo Jabberjee, B.A.
+
+Author: F. Anstey
+
+Release Date: April 22, 2008 [EBook #25129]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A. ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Clarke, Carolyn Bottomley and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note: Italicized text is indicated with _underscores_.
+Upright text used within italicized passages for emphasis is indicated
+with ~tildes~. Inconsistencies in "Shakspeare" spellings have been
+retained, but obvious errors have been corrected and are listed at the
+end of this document.]
+
+
+[Illustration: Frontispiece _"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED
+GENTLEMEN."_]
+
+
+BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A.
+
+
+F. Anstey
+
+
+THE WAYFARER'S LIBRARY
+
+J. M. DENT & SONS, Ltd.
+  LONDON
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+                                                                 PAGE
+
+I
+
+_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his
+    work; sundry confidences, criticisms, and complaints._          1
+
+II
+
+_Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the
+    Westminster Play._                                              9
+
+III
+
+_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureateship._        18
+
+IV
+
+_Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters._        24
+
+V
+
+_In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on
+    Bicycling as a Pastime._                                       33
+
+VI
+
+_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._                          42
+
+VII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something
+    very like a Whale._                                            50
+
+VIII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies'
+    Debating Club._                                                60
+
+IX
+
+_How he saw the practice of the University Crews,
+    and what he thought of it._                                    69
+
+X
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight._                      75
+
+XI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme
+    delicacy._                                                     80
+
+XII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise._                               88
+
+XIII
+
+_Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations
+    in a Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that
+    Mr Jabberjee failed to understand._                            96
+
+XIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An
+    invitation to a Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with
+    what he thought of the ceremony, and how he distinguished
+    himself on the occasion._                                     105
+
+XV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour
+    of his betrothed. His doubts concerning the social
+    advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing
+    remarks upon ambitious pretenders. He goes out to dinner,
+    and meets a person of some importance._                       114
+
+XVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of
+    Shakespeare._                                                 125
+
+XVII
+
+_Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee,
+    with the explanation of such apparent indiscretion._          135
+
+XVIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses._         138
+
+XIX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India
+    Office and sympathetic reception._                            146
+
+XX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination,
+    but is less successful in other respects. He writes
+    another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he
+    anticipates the happiest results._                            155
+
+XXI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._        164
+
+XXII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a
+    solicitor--with certain reservations._                        173
+
+XXIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes
+    his preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic
+    sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary
+    outburst of disloyalty--to which no serious importance
+    need be attached._                                            182
+
+XXIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors._            190
+
+XXV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his
+    experiences on a Scotch Moor, greatly to his own
+    glorification._                                               199
+
+XXVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions.
+    How he secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which
+    he presented it to his divinity._                             207
+
+XXVII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town,
+    thereby affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit
+    of his personal assistance. An apparent attempt to pack
+    the Jury._                                                    216
+
+XXVIII
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee
+    in Court during the proceedings._                             225
+
+XXIX
+
+_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~
+    Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._           235
+
+XXX
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard). Mr Jabberjee
+    finds cross-examination much less formidable than he had
+    anticipated._                                                 245
+
+XXXI
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant
+    brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and
+    Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply._          255
+
+XXXII
+
+_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which
+    many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened
+    resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._                  265
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+                                                               PAGE
+
+_"Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."_        _Frontispiece_
+
+_Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A._                          viii
+
+_"Let out! Let out!!"_                                            5
+
+_"A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose."_                   15
+
+_"Miss Jessimina Mankletow."_                                    25
+
+_"I instantaneously endured the total upset!"_                   37
+
+_"With a large, stout constable."_                               47
+
+_"Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger."_                51
+
+_"A weedy, tall male gentleman."_                                61
+
+_"A beaming simper of indescribable suavity."_                   81
+
+_"I became once more the silent tomb."_                          91
+
+_"In garbage of unparagoned shabbiness."_                        99
+
+_"The spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the
+    returned Shahzadar."_                                       107
+
+_"Some haughty masculine might insult her under
+    my very nose."_                                             115
+
+_"It was here," I said, reverently, "that the swan of
+    Avon was hatched!"_                                         129
+
+_"Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye."_      141
+
+_"Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"_                        151
+
+_"Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"_                                     157
+
+_"A royal command from the Queen-Empress."_                     169
+
+_"Would be greatly improved by the simple addition
+    of some knee-caps."_                                        179
+
+_"I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a
+    'Blooming Blacky!'"_                                        187
+
+_"Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance."_         191
+
+_"I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the
+    fairylike Miss Wee-Wee."_                                   203
+
+_"Whether he had wha-haed wi' hon'ble Wallace?"_                209
+
+_Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram._                                       219
+
+_"Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped."_       227
+
+_Mr Justice Honeygall._                                         237
+
+_Witherington, Q.C._                                            247
+
+_"Jabberjee's face gradually lengthens."_                       261
+
+
+The text and illustrations of this book are reproduced by kind
+permission of the Proprietors of _Punch_.
+
+[Illustration: _Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A._]
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTORY LETTER FROM BABOO JABBERJEE.
+
+_To the Hon'ble ---- Punch._
+
+VENERABLE AND LUDICROUS SIR.--Permit me most respectfully to bring
+beneath your notice a proposal which I serenely anticipate will turn up
+trumps under the fructifying sunshine of your esteemed approbation.
+
+Sir, I am an able B.A. of a respectable Indian University, now in this
+country for purposes of being crammed through Inns of Court and Law
+Exam., and rendering myself a completely fledged Pleader or Barrister in
+the Native Bar of the High Court.
+
+Since my sojourn here, I have accomplished the laborious perusal of your
+transcendent and tip-top periodical, and, hoity toity! I am like a duck
+in thunder with admiring wonderment at the drollishness and jocosity
+with which your paper is ready to burst in its pictorial department.
+But, alack! when I turn my critical attention to the literary contents,
+I am met with a lamentable deficiency and no great shakes, for I note
+there the fly in the ointment and _hiatus valde deflendus_--to wit the
+utter absenteeism of a correct and classical style in English
+composition.
+
+To the highly educated native gentleman who searches your printed
+articles, hoping fondly to find himself in a well of English pure and
+undefiled, it proves merely to fish in the air. Conceive, Sir, the
+disgustful result to one saturated to the skin of his teeth in best
+English masterpieces of immaculate and moderately good prose extracts
+and dramatic passages, published with notes for the use of the native
+student, at weltering in a hotchpot and hurley-burley of arbitrarily
+distorted and very vulgarised cockneydoms and purely London
+provincialities, which must be of necessity to him as casting pearls
+before a swine!
+
+And I have the honour to inform you of a number of cultivated lively
+young native B.A.'s, both here and in my country, who are quite capable
+to appreciate really fine writing and sonoriferous periods if published
+in your paper, and which would infallibly result in a feather in your
+cap and bring increase of grit to the mill.
+
+If, Honoured Sir, you feel disposed to bolster yourself up with the wet
+blanket of a _non possumus_, and reply to me that your existing
+quill-drivers are too fat-witted and shallow-pated for the production of
+more pretentiously polished lucubrations--aye, not even if they burn the
+night-light oil and hear the chimes at midnight! I will not be
+hoodwinked by the superficiality of your _cui bono_, and shall make you
+the answer that I am willing _for an exceedingly paltry honorarium_ to
+rush into the Gordian knot and write you the most superior essays on
+every conceivable and inconceivable subject under the sun, as per
+enclosed samples which I forward respectfully for your delightful and
+golden opinions, guaranteeing faithfully that all of your readers in
+every hemisphere and postal district will fall in love with such a new
+departure and fresh tack.
+
+The specimens I send are _not my best_, only very ordinary and humdrum
+affairs--but _ex pede Herculem!_ Hon'ble Sir, and you will see how
+transcendentally superior are even such poor effusions compared to the
+fiddle-faddle and gim-crack style of article with which you are being
+fobbed off by puzzle-headed and self-opiniated nincompoops.
+
+I can also turn out rhymed poetry after models of Poets TENNYSON,
+COWPER, Mrs HEMANS, SOUTHEY, & Co., _done to a tittle_, so as not to be
+detected, even by the cynosure, as mere spurious imitation, but in every
+respect up to the mark and the real Simon Pure.
+
+Therefore, Hon'ble Sir, do not hesitate to strike while the iron is
+incandescent and bleed freely, even if it should be necessary, prior to
+engaging your humble petitioner's services, to turn out one or more of
+your present contributioners crop and heels, and lay them on the shelf
+of their own incompetencies. Remember that the slightest act of volition
+on your part can exalt my pecuniary status to the skies, as well as
+confer distinguished and unparagoned ennoblement upon your _cacoethes
+scribendi_.
+
+I remain, respected Sir, Your most obsequious Servant,
+
+            HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A.
+
+P.S. and N.B.--Being so unacquainted with the limner's art, I cannot _at
+present_ undertake the etching of caricatures _et hoc genus omne_.
+However, if such is your will, Hon'ble Sir, I will take the cow by the
+horns, after preliminary course of instruction at Government Art School,
+all expenses, &c., to be defrayed on the nail out of your purse of
+Fortunatus, seeing that your esteemed correspondent is so hard up
+between two stools that he is reduced to a choice of Hodson's Horse!
+
+H. B. J.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: banner]
+
+
+I
+
+_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his
+    work; sundry confidences, criticisms and complaints._
+
+
+When I first received intimation from the supernal and spanking hand of
+Hon'ble _Mr Punch_, that he smiled with fatherly benignity at my humble
+request that he should offer myself as a regular poorly-paid
+contributor, I blessed my stars and was as if to jump over the moon for
+jubilation and sprightfulness.
+
+But, heigh-ho! _surgit amari aliquid_, and his condescending patronage
+was dolefully alloyed with the inevitable dash of bitters which, as Poet
+SHAKSPEARE remarks, withers the galled jade until it winces. For with an
+iron heel has Hon'ble _Mr P._ declined sundry essays of enormous length
+and importance, composed in Addisonian, Johnsonian, and Gibbonian
+phraseology on assorted topics, such as "Love," "Civilisation,"
+"Matrimony," "Superstition," "Is Courage a Virtue, or _Vice Versa_?" and
+has recommended me instead to devote my pen to quite ephemeral and
+fugacious topics, and merely commit to paper such reflections, critical
+opinions, and experiences as may turn up in the potluck of my daily
+career.
+
+What wonder that on reading such a _sine qua non_ and ultimatum my _vox
+faucibus haesit_ and stuck in my gizzard with bashful sheepishness, for
+how to convulse the Thames and set it on fire and all agog with
+amazement at the humdrum incidents of so very ordinary an existence as
+mine, which is spent in the diligent study of Roman, Common,
+International, and Canonical Law from morn to dewy eve in the
+lecture-hall or the library of my inn, and, as soon as the shades of
+night are falling fast, in returning to my domicilium at Ladbroke Grove
+with the undeviating punctuality of a tick?
+
+However, being above all things desirous not to let slip the golden
+opportunity and pocket the root of all evil, I decided to let my
+diffidence go to the wall and boldly record every jot and tittle,
+however humdrum, with the critical reflections and censorious
+observations arising therefrom, remembering that, though the fabulous
+and mountain-engendered mouse was no doubt at the time considered but a
+fiasco and flash in the pan by its maternal progenitor, nevertheless
+that same identical mouse rendered yeomanry services at a subsequent
+period to the lion involved in the compromising intricacies of a
+landing-net!
+
+Benevolent reader, _de te fabula narratur_. Perchance the mousey
+bantlings of my insignificant brain may nibble away the cords of
+prejudice and exclusiveness now encircling many highly respectable
+British lions. Be not angry with me therefore, if in the character of a
+damned but good-natured friend, I venture on occasions to "hint dislike
+and hesitate disgust."
+
+The majestic and magnificent matron, under whose aegis I reside for rs.
+20 per week, is of lofty lineage, though fallen from that high estate
+into the peck of troubles, and compelled (owing to severely social
+disposition) to receive a number of small and select boarders.
+
+Like _Jepthah_, in the play of _Hamlet_, she has one fair daughter and
+no more, a bewitching and well-proportioned damsel, as fine as a
+fivepence or a May-day queen. Notwithstanding this, when I summon up my
+courage to address her, she receives my laborious politeness with a
+cachinnation like that of a Cheshire cheese, which strikes me all of a
+heap. Her female parent excuses to me such flabbergasting demeanour on
+the plea that her daughter is afflicted with great shyness and maidenly
+modesty, but, on perceiving that she can be skittish and genial in the
+company of other masculines, I am forced to attribute her
+contumeliousness to the circumstance that I am a native gentleman of a
+dark complexion.
+
+In addition, I have the honour to inform you of further specimens of
+this inurbanity and bearishness from officials who are perfect strangers
+to the writer. Each morning I journey through the subterranean bowels of
+the earth to the Temple, and on a recent occasion, when I was
+descending the stairs in haste to pop into the train, lo and behold,
+just as I reached the gate, it was shut in my nose by the churlishness
+of the jack-in-office!
+
+At which, stung to the quick at so unprovoked and unpremeditated an
+affront, I accosted him severely through the bars of the wicket,
+demanding sarcastically, "Is _this_ your boasted British Jurisprudence?"
+
+The savage heart of the Collector was moved by my expostulation, and he
+consented to open the gate, and imprint a perforated hole on my ticket;
+but, alack! his repentance was a day after the fair, for the train had
+already taken its hook into the Cimmerian gloom of a tunnel! When the
+next train arrived, I, waiting prudently until it was quiescent, stepped
+into a compartment, wherein I was dismayed and terrified to find myself
+alone with an individual and two lively young terriers, which barked
+minaciously at my legs.
+
+[Illustration: "LET OUT! LET OUT!!"]
+
+But I, with much presence of mind, protruded my head from the window,
+vociferating to those upon the platform, "Let out! Let out!! Fighting
+dogs are here!!!"
+
+And they met my appeal with unmannerly jeerings, until the controller of
+the train, seeing that I was firm in upholding my dignity of British
+subject, and claiming my just rights, unfastened the door and permitted
+me to escape; but, while I was yet in search of a compartment where
+no canine elements were in the manger, the train was once more in
+motion, and I, being no daredevil to take such leap into the dark, was a
+second time left behind, and a loser of two trains. Moreover, though I
+have written a humbly indignant petition to the Hon'ble Directors of the
+Company pointing out loss of time and inconvenience through incivility,
+and asking them for small pecuniary compensation, they have assumed the
+rhinoceros hide, and nilled my request with dry eyes.
+
+But I shall next make the further complaint that, even when making every
+effort to do the civil, the result is apt to kill with kindness; and--as
+King CHARLES THE FIRST, when they were shuffling off his mortal coil,
+politely apologised for the unconscionable long time that his head took
+to decapitate--so I, too, must draw attention to the fact that the
+duration of formal ceremonious visits, is far too protracted and long
+drawn out.
+
+_Crede experto._ A certain young English gentleman, dwelling in the
+Temple, whose acquaintance I have formed, earnestly requested that I
+should do him the honour of a visit; and recently, wishing to be hail
+fellow well met, I presented myself before him about 9.30 A.M.
+
+He greeted me with effusion, shaking me warmly by the hand, and begging
+me to be seated, and making many inquiries, whether I preferred India
+to England, and what progress I was making in my studies, &c., and so
+forth, all of which I answered faithfully, to the best of my abilities.
+
+After that he addressed me by fits and starts and _longo intervallo_,
+yet displaying so manifest and absorbent a delight in my society that he
+could not bring himself to terminate the audience, while I was to
+conceal my immense wearisomeness and the ardent desire I had conceived
+to leave him.
+
+And thus he detained me there hour after hour, until five minutes past
+one P.M., when he recollected, with many professions of chagrin, that he
+had an appointment to take his tiffin, and dismissed me, inviting me
+cordially to come again.
+
+If, however, it is expected of me that I can devote three hours and a
+half to ceremonial civilities, I must respectfully answer with a _Nolo
+episcopari_, for my time is more precious than rubies, and so I will beg
+not only Mr MELLADEW, Esq., Barrister-at-law, but all other Anglo-Saxon
+friends and their families, to accept this as a _verbum sap._ and wink
+to a blind horse.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+_Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the
+    Westminster Play._
+
+
+Being forearmed by editorial beneficence with ticket of admission to
+theatrical entertainment by adolescent students at Westminster College,
+I presented myself at the scene of acting in a state of liveliest and
+frolicsome anticipation on a certain Wednesday evening in the month of
+December last, about 7.20 P.M.
+
+At the summit of the stairs I was received by a posse of polite and
+stalwart striplings in white kids, who, after abstracting large circular
+orifice from my credentials, ordered me to ascend to a lofty gallery,
+where, on arriving, I found every chair pre-occupied, and moreover was
+restricted to a prospect of the backs of numerous juvenile heads, while
+expected to remain the livelong evening on the tiptoe of expectation and
+Shank's mare!
+
+This for a while I endured submissively from native timidity and
+retirement, until my bosom boiled over at the sense of "_Civis Romanus
+sum_," and, descending to the barrier, I harangued the wicket-keeper
+with great length and fervid eloquence, informing him that I was
+graduate of high-class Native University after passing most tedious and
+difficult exams with fugitive colours and that it was injurious and
+deleterious to my "_mens sana in corpore sano_" to remain on legs for
+some hours beholding what I practically found to be invisible.
+
+But, though he turned an indulgent ear to my quandary, he professed his
+inability to help me over my "_pons asinorum_," until I ventured to play
+the ticklish card and inform him that I was a distinguished
+representative of Hon'ble _Punch_, who was paternally anxious for me to
+be awarded a seat on the lap of luxury.
+
+Then he unbended, and admitted me to the body of the auditorium, where I
+was conducted to a coign of vantage in near proximity to members of the
+fair sex and galaxy of beauty.
+
+Thus, by dint of nude gumption, I was in the bed of clover and seventh
+heaven, and more so when, on inquiry from a bystander, I understood that
+the performance was taken from Mr TERRISS'S Adelphi Theatre, which I had
+heard was conspicuous for excellence in fierce combats, blood-curdling
+duels, and scenes in court. And I narrated to him how I too, when a
+callow and unfledged hobbardyhoy, had engaged in theatrical
+entertainments, and played such parts in native dramas as heroic
+giant-killers and tiger slayers, in which I was an "_au fait_" and
+"_facile princeps_," also in select scenes from SHAKSPEARE'S play of
+_Macbeth_ in English and being correctly attired as a Scotch.
+
+But presently I discovered that the play was quite another sort of
+Adelphi, being a jocose comedy by a notorious ancient author of the name
+of TERENCE, and written entirely in Latin, which a contiguous damsel
+expressed a fear lest she should find it incomprehensible and obscure. I
+hastened to reassure her by explaining that, having been turned out as a
+certificated B.A. by Indian College, I had acquired perfect familiarity
+and nodding acquaintance with the early Roman and Latin tongues, and
+offering my services as interpreter of "_quicquid agunt homines_," and
+the entire "_farrago libelli_," which rendered her red as a turkeycock
+with delight and gratitude. When the performance commenced with a scenic
+representation of the Roman Acropolis, and a venerable elderly man
+soliloquising lengthily to himself, and then carrying on a protracted
+logomachy with another greybeard--although I understood sundry
+colloquial idioms and phrases such as "_uxorem duxit_," "_carum mihi_,"
+"_quid agis?_" "_cur amat?_" and the like, all of which I assiduously
+translated _viva voce_--I could not succeed in learning the reason why
+they were having such a snip-snap, until the interval, when the lady
+informed me herself that it was because one of them had carried off a
+nautch-girl belonging to the other's son--which caused me to marvel
+greatly at her erudition.
+
+I looked that, in the next portion of the performance, I might behold
+the nautch-girl, and witness her forcible rescue--or at least some
+saltatory exhibition; but, alack! she remained _sotto voce_ and
+hermetically sealed; and though other characters, in addition to the
+elderly gentlemen, appeared, they were all exclusively masculine in
+gender, and there was nothing done but to converse by twos and threes.
+When the third portion opened with a long-desiderated peep of
+petticoats, I told my neighbour confidently that now at last we were to
+see this dancing girl and the abduction; but she replied that it was not
+so, for these females were merely the mother of the wife of another of
+the youths and her attendant ayah. And even this precious pair, after
+weeping and wringing their hands for a while, vanished, not to appear
+again.
+
+Now as the entertainment proceeded, I fell into the dumps with
+increasing abashment and mortification to see everyone around me, ay,
+even the women and the tenderest juveniles! clap the hands and laugh in
+their sleeves with merriment at quirks and gleeks in which--in spite of
+all my classical proficiency--I could not discover _le mot pour rire_ or
+crack so much as the cream of a jest, but must sit there melancholy as a
+gib cat or smile at the wrong end of mouth.
+
+For, indeed, I began to fear that I had been fobbed off with the
+smattered education of a painted sepulchre, that I should fail so
+dolorously to comprehend what was plain as a turnpike-staff to the
+veriest British babe and suckling!
+
+However, on observing more closely, I discovered that most of the
+grown-up adults present had books containing the translation of all the
+witticisms, which they secretly perused, and that the feminality were
+also provided with pink leaflets on which the dark outline of the plot
+was perspicuously inscribed.
+
+Moreover, on casting my eyes up to the gallery, I perceived that there
+were overseers there armed with long canes, and that the small youths
+did not indulge in plaudations and hilarity except when threatened by
+these.
+
+And thereupon I took heart, seeing that the proceedings were clearly
+veiled in an obsolete and cryptic language, and it was simply matter of
+rite and custom to applaud at fixed intervals, so I did at Rome as the
+Romans did, and was laughter holding both his sides as often as I beheld
+the canes in a state of agitation.
+
+I am not unaware that it is to bring a coal from Newcastle to pronounce
+any critical opinion upon the ludibrious qualities of so antiquated a
+comedy as this, but, while I am wishful to make every allowance for its
+having been composed in a period of prehistoric barbarity, I would still
+hazard the criticism that it does not excite the simpering guffaw with
+the frequency of such modern standard works as _exempli gratia_, _Miss
+Brown_, or _The Aunt of Charley_, to either of which I would award the
+palm for pure whimsicality and gawkiness.
+
+Candour compels me to admit, however, that the conclusion of the
+Adelphi, in which a certain magician summoned a black-robed,
+steeple-hatted demon from the nether world, who, after commanding a
+minion to give a pickle-back to sundry grotesque personages, did
+castigate their ulterior portions severely with a large switch, was a
+striking amelioration and betterment upon the preceding scenes, and
+evinced that TERENCE possessed no deficiency of up-to-date facetiousness
+and genuine humour; though I could not but reflect--"_O, si sic omnia!_"
+and lament that he should have hidden his _vis comica_ for so long under
+the stifling disguise of a _serviette_.
+
+I am a beggar at describing the hurly-burly and most admired disorder
+amidst which I performed the descent of the staircase in a savage
+perspiration, my elbows and heels unmercifully jostled by a dense,
+unruly horde, and going with nose in pocket, from trepidation due to
+national cowardice, while the seething mob clamoured and contended for
+overcoats and hats around very exiguous aperture, through which
+bewildered custodians handed out bundles of sticks and umbrellas, in
+vain hope to appease such impatience. Nor did I succeed to the recovery
+of my hat and paraphernalia until after twenty-four and a half minutes
+(Greenwich time), and with the labours of Hercules for the golden
+fleece!
+
+[Illustration: "A GOLDEN-HEADED UMBRELLA, FRESH AS A ROSE."]
+
+For which I was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance and
+claim for indemnity to some pundit in authority; but perceiving that by
+such fishing in troubled waters I was the gainer of a golden-headed
+umbrella, fresh as a rose, I decided to accept the olive branch and bury
+the bone of contention.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the
+    Laureateship._
+
+
+It is "_selon les regles_" and _rerum natura_ that the QUEEN'S Most
+Excellent Majesty, being constitutionally partial to poetry, should
+desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip-top genius,
+to be kept snug on Royal premises and ready at momentary notice to
+oblige with song or dirge, according as High Jinks or Dolorousness are
+the Court orders of the day.
+
+But how far more satisfactory if Right Hon'ble Marquis SALISBURY,
+instead of arbitrarily decorating some already notorious bard with this
+"_cordon bleu_" and thus gilding a lily, should throw the office open to
+competition by public exam, and, after carefully weighing such
+considerations as the applicant's _res angusta domi_, the fluency of his
+imagination, his nationality, and so on--should award the itching palm
+of Fame to the poet who succeeded best in tickling his fancy!
+
+Had some such method been adopted, the whole Indian Empire might to-day
+have been pleased as _Punch_ by the selection of a Hindoo gentleman to
+do the job--for I should infallibly have entered myself for the
+running. Unfortunately such unparalleled opportunity of throwing soup to
+Cerberus, and exhibiting colour-blindness, has been given the slip,
+though the door is perhaps still open (even at past eleven o'clock P.M.)
+for retracing the false step and web of Penelope.
+
+For I would respectfully submit to Her Imperial Majesty that, in her
+duplicate capacity of Queen of England and Empress of India, she has
+urgent necessity for a Court Poet for each department, who would be
+_Arcades ambo_ and two of a trade, and share the duties with their
+proportionate pickings.
+
+Or, if she would be unwilling to pay the piper to such a tune, I alone
+would work the oracle in both Indian and Anglo-Saxon departments, and
+waive the annual tub of sherry for equivalent in cash down.
+
+And, if I may make the suggestion, I would strongly advise that this
+question of my joint (or several) appointment should be severely taken
+up by London Press as matter of simple justice to India. This is without
+prejudice to the already appointed Laureate as a swan and singing bird
+of the first water. All I desire is that the Public should know of
+another--and, perchance, even rarer--avis, who is _nigroque simillima
+cygno_, and could be obtained dog cheap for a mere song or a drug in the
+marketplace, if only there is made a National Appeal to the Sovereign
+that he should be promoted to such a sinecure and _aere perennius_.
+
+As a specimen of the authenticity of my divine flatulence, please find
+inclosed herewith copy of complimentary verses, written by myself on
+hearing of Poet AUSTIN'S selection. Indulgence is kindly requested for
+very hasty composition, and circumstance of being greatly harrowed and
+impeded at time of writing by an excruciating full sized boil on back of
+neck, infuriated by collar of shirt, poulticings, and so forth.
+
+
+            CONGRATULATORY ODE
+
+_To Hon'ble Poet-Laureate Alfred Austin, Esq._
+
+  Hail! you full-blown tulip!
+  Oh! when the wheezing zephyr brought glad news
+  Of your judicious appointment, no hearts who did peruse,
+  Such a long-desiderated slice of good luck were sorry at,
+  To a most prolific and polacious Poet-Laureate!
+  For no _poeta nascitur_ who is fitter
+  To greet Royal progeny with melodious twitter.
+    Seated on the resplendent cloud of official Elysium,
+    Far away, far away from fuliginous busy hum
+    You are now perched with phenomenal velocity
+    On vertiginous pinnacle of poetic pomposity!
+  Yet deign to cock thy indulgent eye at the petition
+  Of one consumed by corresponding ambition,
+  And lend the helping hand to lift, pulley-hauley,
+  To Parnassian Peak this poor perspiring Bengali!
+    Whose _ars poetica_ (as per sample lyric)
+    Is fully competent to turn out panegyric.
+  What if some time to come, perhaps not distant,
+  You were in urgent need of Deputy-Assistant!
+  For two Princesses might be confined simultaneously--
+  Then, how to homage the pair extemporaneously?
+  Or with Nuptial Ode, lack-a-daisy! What a fix
+  If with Influenza raging like cat on hot bricks!
+    In such a wrong box you will please remember yours truly,
+    Who can do the needful satisfactorily and duly,
+    By an _epithalamium_ (or what not) to inflame your credit
+    With every coronated head that will have read it!
+    And the _quid pro quo_, magnificent and grand Sir!
+    Would be at the rate of four annas for every stanza,
+  Now, thou who scale sidereal paths afar dost,
+  Deign from thy brilliant boots to cast the superfluous star-dust
+      Upon
+          The head of him
+              Whose fate depends
+                  On Thee!
+
+(_Signed_) BABOO HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE.
+
+
+The above was forwarded (_post-paid_) to Hon'ble AUSTIN'S official
+address at Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey (opposite the Royal
+Aquarium), but--hoity-toity and _mirabile dictu!_--no answer has yet
+been vouchsafed to yours truly save the cold shoulder of contemptuous
+inattention!
+
+What a pity! Well-a-day, that we should find such passions of envy and
+jealousy in bosom of a distinguished poet, whose lucubrated productions
+may (for all that is known to the present writer) be no great shakes
+after all, and mere food for powder!
+
+The British public is an ardent lover of the scintillating jewellery of
+fair play, and so I confidently submit my claims and poetical
+compositions to be arbitrated by the unanimous voice of all who
+understand such articles.
+
+Let us remember that it is never too late to pull down the fallen idol
+out of the gilded shrine in which it has established itself with the
+egotistical isolation of a dog with the mange!
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+_Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old
+    Masters._
+
+
+I have the honour to report that the phantom of delight has recently
+recommenced to dance before me.
+
+[Illustration: "MISS JESSIMINA MANKLETOW."]
+
+Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW, the perfumed, moony-faced daughter of the
+gracious and eagle-eyed goddess who presides over the select boarding
+establishment in which I am resident member, has of late emerged from
+the shell of superciliousness, and brought the beaming eye of
+encouragement to bear upon my diffidence and humility.
+
+This I partly attribute to general impression--which I do not condescend
+to deny--that, at home, I occupy the social status of a Rajah, or some
+analogous kind of big native pot.
+
+So, on a recent Saturday afternoon, she invited me to escort her and a
+similar young virginal lady friend, by name Miss PRISCILLA PRIMMETT, to
+Burlington House, Piccadilly, and, as _Prince Hamlet_ appositely
+remarks, "Look here upon this picture and on this." Which I joyfully
+accepted, being head-over-heels in love with Art, and the possessor of
+two magnificent coloured photo-lithographs, representing a
+steeplechase in the act of jumping a trench, and a water-nymph in the
+very _decollete_ undress of "_puris naturalibus_," weltering on a rushy
+bed.
+
+We proceeded thither upon the giddy summit of a Royal Oak omnibus, and
+on arriving in the vestibulum, were peremptorily commanded to undergo
+total abstinence from our umbrellas.
+
+Being accompanied by the span-new silken affair with the golden head,
+which, as I have narrated _supra_, I was so lucky to obtain
+promiscuously after witnessing the Adelphi of the Westminster college
+boys, I naturally protested vehemently against such arbitrary and
+tyrannical regulations, urging the risk of my unprotected umbrella being
+feloniously abducted during unavoidable absence by some unprincipled and
+illegitimate claimant.
+
+But, alack! I was confronted with the official ultimatum and _sine qua
+non_, and have subsequently learnt that the cause of this self-denying
+ordinance is due to the uncontrollable enthusiasm of British Public for
+works of art, which leads them to signify approbation by puncturing
+innumerable orifices by dint of sticks or umbrellas in the process of
+pointing out tit-bits of painting, and on account of the detrimental
+influence on the marketable value of pictures thus distinguished by the
+plerophory of the _Vox Populi_.
+
+Nevertheless, my heart was oppressed with many misgivings at having to
+hand over three hostage umbrellas--one being masculine and two feminine
+gender--and receiving nothing in exchange but a wooden medallion of no
+intrinsic worth, bearing the utterly disproportionate number of over one
+thousand! Next, after, at Miss JESSIMINA'S bidding, having purchased a
+sixpenny index, we ascended the staircase, and on shelling out three
+shillings cash payment, were consecutively squeezed through a restricted
+wicket as if needles going through the eye of a camel.
+
+I will vouchsafe to aver that my interior sensations on penetrating the
+first gallery were those of acute and indignant disappointment, for will
+it be credited that a working majority of the exhibits were second, or
+even third and fourth-hand mechanisms of an unparagoned dingitude, and
+fit only for the lumbering room?
+
+Perhaps I shall be told that this wintry exhibition is a mere stopgap
+and makeshift, until a fresh supply of bright new paintings can be
+procured, and that it is _ultra vires_ to obtain such for love or money
+before the merry month of May.
+
+Still I must persist in denouncing the penny wisdom and pound foolery of
+the Academicals in foisting off upon the public such ancient and
+fish-like articles that have long ceased to be _bon ton_ and in the
+fashion, since it is undeniable that many are over fifty years, and some
+several centuries behind the times!
+
+It is to be hoped that these parsimonious Misters will soon recognise
+that it is not possible for modern up-to-date Art to be florescent under
+this retrograde and fossilized system, and be warned that such
+untradesmanlike goings-on will deservedly forfeit the confidence and
+patronage of their most fastidious customers.
+
+Miss JESSIMINA remarked more than once that such and such a picture was
+not in _her_ taste and she would never have chosen it personally, while
+Miss PRIMMETT declared that she would not have had her likeness taken by
+Hon'ble Sir JOSH GAINSBORO, or Misters VELASKY and VANDICK, not even if
+they implored her on their bended marrowbones, and that, as for a
+certain individual effeminately named ETTY, it was a wonderment to her
+how respectable people could stand in front of such brazen performances!
+These remarks are trivial, perhaps, but even straws will serve as cocks
+of the weather on occasions, and, moreover, I shall certify that the
+most general tone was of a critical and disapproving severity, and it
+was quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have
+done the job better themselves.
+
+A certain Mister TURNER came in for the BENJAMIN'S mess of obloquy,
+having represented Pluto, the god of wealth, in the act of carrying off
+a female Proserpine, but the figures so Lilliputian, and in such a
+disproportionate expansion of confused sceneries, that the elopement
+produced but a very paltry impression. The slipshod carelessness of this
+painter may be realised from the fact that in a composition styled
+"_Blue Lights to Warn Steamboats off Shoal Water_," the blue lights are
+conspicuous by their total absence, and the mistiness of the
+atmospherical conditions renders it difficult to distinguish either the
+steamers or the shoals with even tolerable accuracy!
+
+In the ulterior room were sundry productions from Umbrian and Milanese
+and other schools, such being presumptively the teaching establishments
+over which Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER and GREUZY and Co. predominated
+as Old Masters. But surely it is unfair, and like seething a kid in the
+maternal nutriment, to class such crude and hobbardyhoy performances
+with works by more senile hands!
+
+Here I observed a painting to illustrate scenes in the life of an
+important celebrity, who was childishly represented many times over
+having separate adventures in the space of a few square feet, and of a
+Brobdingnacian bulkiness compared to his perspective surroundings.
+
+Had this been the work of an Indian artist, native gentlemen out there
+would simply have smiled pitiably at such ignorance, and given him the
+gentle admonishment that he was only to make a fool of himself for his
+pains. There was also a picture of a Diptych, in two portions, with a
+background of gilt, but the figure of the Diptych himself very poorly
+represented as an anatomy.
+
+Where all is so so-so, and below par, it is perhaps invidious to single
+out any for hon'ble mention; but loyalty as a British subject obliges me
+to speak favourably of a concern lent by Her Majesty the QUEEN, and
+representing a bombastical youth engaged in a snip-snap with a meek and
+inoffensive schoolfellow, who supports himself on one leg, and is
+occupied in sheltering his nose behind his arm, until his widowed and
+aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved offspring from his grave
+crisis.
+
+This at least can be commended as being true to nature, as I can attest
+from personal experience of similar boyish loggerheads, although, owing
+to preserving my _sang froid_, I was generally able to remove myself
+with phenomenal rapidity from vicinity of shocking kicks by my truculent
+assailant.
+
+Let me not omit to mention a painting of "_Polichinelle_" by a Gallic
+artist, which Miss PRIMMETT said was the French equivalent to _Punch_.
+At which, speaking loudly for instruction of bystanders, I assured them,
+as one familiarly connected with Hon'ble _Punch_, who regarded me as a
+son, such a portrait was the very antipode to his majestic lineaments,
+nor was it reasonable to suppose that he would allow his counterfeit
+presentment to be depicted in the undignified garbage of a buffoon!
+
+I trust that I may be gratefully remembered by my Liege Lord, and that
+he will be gracious enough to entertain me favourably with something in
+the shape of prize or bonus in reward for such open testimony as the
+above.
+
+I have only to add that the custodian preserved the inviolability of our
+umbrellas with honorable fidelity, and that we moistened the drooping
+clay of our internal tenements at an Aerated Tea Company with a
+profusion of confectionaries, for which my fair friends with amiable
+blandness permitted me the privilege of forking out.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+_In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on
+    Bicycling as a Pastime._
+
+
+In consequence of the increasing demands of the incomparable Miss
+JESSIMINA upon the dancing attendance of your humble servant, I am
+lately become as idle as a newly painted ship, and have not drunk in the
+legal wisdom of the learned _Moonshees_ who lecture in the hall of my
+Inn of Court, or opened the ponderous treatise of Hon'ble Justice
+BLACKSTONE or ADDISON on _Torts_, for many a blank day.
+
+Still, as Philosopher PLATO observed, "_Nihil humani alienum a me
+puto_," and my time has not been actually squandered in the theft of
+Procrastination, but rather employed in the proper study of Mankind, and
+acquiring a more complete knowingness in _Ars Vivendi_.
+
+So I think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a
+practice which threatens to develop into an epidemical kind of plague,
+and carry the deteriorating trails of a serpent over our household
+families, unless promptly scotched by benevolent firmness of a paternal
+Government.
+
+Need I explain I am alluding to the nowaday passion for propelling
+oneself at a severe speed by dint of unstable and most precarious
+machinery? It is now the exception which breaks the rule to take the air
+in the streets without being startled by the unseemly spectacles of
+go-ahead citizens straddled upon such revolutionary contrivances,
+threading their way with breakneck velocity under the very noses of
+omnibus and other horses, and ringing the shrill welkin of a
+tintinnabulating gong!
+
+Nay, even after the Curfew has taken its toll from the knell of parting
+day, and darkness reigns supreme, they will urge on their wild career,
+illuminated by the dim religious light of a small oil lamp!
+
+I possess no knack of medical knowledge, but I boldly state my opinion
+that such daredevilry must necessarily inflict a deleterious result to
+the nervous organisms of these riders; and, who knows, of their
+posterity?
+
+For no one can expect to have hairbreadth escapes from the running
+gauntlet continuously, without suffering a shattering internal panic,
+while catastrophes of fatal injury to life and limb have become _de
+rigueur_.
+
+_Experto crede_--for I can support my _obiter dictum_ by the crushing
+weight of personal experience. A few mornings since I had the honour to
+escort Miss JESSIMINA MANKLETOW and a middle-aged select female boarder
+into the interior of Hyde Park. The day was fine, though frigid, and I
+was wearing my fur-lined overcoat, with boots of patent Japan leather,
+and a Bombay gold-embroidered cap, so that I was a mould of form and the
+howling nob.
+
+Picture my amazement when, as I promenaded the path beside the waters of
+the Serpentine lake, I beheld a wheeled cavalcade of every conceivable
+age, sex, and appearance; senile gaffers and baby buntings;
+multitudinous women, some plump as a duckling, others thin as a
+paper-thread; aye, and even priests in sanctimonious black and
+milk-white cravats, rolling swiftly upon two wheels, and all agog to
+dash through thick and thin!
+
+On seeing which, the matured lady boarder did exclaim upon the
+difficulties of the performance, and the vast crowd that had collected
+to view such a _tour de force_, but I, perceiving that those seated upon
+the machines used no exorbitant exertions, and, indeed, appeared to be
+wholly engrossed in social intercourse, responded that no skill was
+required to circulate these bicycles, which, owing to being surrounded
+with air-cushions, would proceed _proprio motu_ and without meandering.
+
+Thereupon Miss MANKLETOW expressed an ardent desire to behold myself
+upon one of these same machines, and--as we were now close to the effigy
+of Hon'ble Duke of WELLINGTON disguised as an Achilles, near which were
+certain _bunniahs_ trafficking with bicycles--I, wishing to pleasure my
+fair companion, approached one of these contractors and bargained with
+him for the sole user of his vehicle for the space of one calendar hour,
+to which he consented at the _honorarium_ of one rupee four annas.
+
+But, on receiving the bicycle from his hands, I at once perceived myself
+under a total impossibility of achieving its ascent--for no sooner had I
+protruded one leg over the saddle than the foremost wheel averted
+itself, and the entire machine bit the dust, which afforded lively and
+infinite entertainment to my feminine companions.
+
+I, however, reproached the _bunniah_ for furnishing a worn-out effete
+affair that was not in working order or a going concern, but he, by
+assuring me that it was all right, cajoled me into trying once more.
+
+[Illustration: "I INSTANTANEOUSLY ENDURED THE TOTAL UPSET!"]
+
+So, divesting myself of my fur-lined overcoat, which I commanded a
+hobbardyhoy of the sweeper class to hold, I again mounted upon the
+saddle, while the proprietor of the machine sustained it in a position
+of rectitude, and then, supporting me by the superfluity of my
+pantaloons, he propelled me from the rear, counselling me to press my
+feet vigorously upon the paddles. But it all proved as the labour of
+Sisyphus, for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions and
+adamantine hardihood, and whenever the bicycle-man released his hold,
+I instantaneously endured the total upset!
+
+Then again I reproved him for his _Punica fides_, informing him that I
+required a machine that would run with smooth progressiveness, precisely
+similar to those I beheld in motion around me. To which he replied that
+I must not expect to be able to ride _impromptu_ as well as individuals
+who had only mastered the accomplishment by long continuity of practice
+and industry.
+
+"Oh, man of wily tongue!" I addressed him. "Not thus will you bamboozle
+my supposed simplicity! For if the art were indeed so difficult as you
+pretend, how should it be acquired by so many timid and delicate
+feminines and mere nurselings? This machine of yours is nothing but an
+obsolete _hors de combat_ with which it is not humanly possible to work
+the oracle!"
+
+At which, waxing with indignation, he leaped upon it, and to my
+surprise, did easily propel it in whatsoever direction he pleased, and
+its motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest;
+so, beguiled by his representations that, under his instructions, I
+should speedily become a _chef-d'oeuvre_, I once more suffered myself
+to mount the machine; but whether from superabundant energy of my
+foot-paddling, or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of a
+precipitous slope, I was soon horrified at finding that my instructor
+was stripped out, and I abandoned to the lurch of my Caudine fork!
+
+Oh, my goodness! My heart turns to water at the nude recollection of
+such an unparalleled predicament, for the now unrestrained bicycle
+_vires acquirit eundo_, and in seven-league boots! While I, wet as a
+clout with anxiety and perspiration, did grasp the handles like the
+horns of a dilemma, calling out in agonised accents to the
+bystanders,--"Help! I am running away with myself! Half a rupee for my
+life-preserver!"
+
+But they were all as if to burst with laughter, and none had the
+ordinary heroism to intervene, and I with ever increasing rapidity was
+borne helplessly down the declivity towards the gates of Hyde Park
+Corner, when, by the benevolence of Providence, the anterior wheel ran
+under a railing, and I flew off like a tangent into the comparative
+security of a mud-barrow!
+
+On my return and solicitous inquiry for my fur-lined overcoat, I had the
+further shock to discover that it was _solvitur ambulando_!
+
+After such a shuddering experience and narrow squeak of my safety, I
+confidently appeal to the authorities to extinguish this highly
+dangerous and foolhardy sort of so-called amusement, or at the very
+least to issue paternal orders that, in future, no one shall be
+permitted to ride upon any bicycle possessing less than three wheels,
+or guilty of a greater celerity than three (or four) miles per hour.
+
+The fair Miss MANKLETOW amended this proposal by suggesting that the
+Public should be restricted at once to perambulators; but this is,
+perhaps, _majori cautela_, and an instance of the over-solicitude of the
+female intellect, for it is not feasible to treat an adult, who has
+assumed the _toga virilis_ and tall hat, as if he was still mewling and
+puking in a tucker and bib.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._
+
+
+The dialoquial form is now become an indispensible _factotum_ in
+periodical literature, and so, like a _brebis de Panurge_, I shall
+follow the fashion occasionally,--though with rather more obedience to a
+literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors in _Punch_
+have thought worth to practise.
+
+Time: the other morning. Scene: the breakfast table at Porticobello
+House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself and other select boarders engaged in
+masticating fowl eggs with their concomitant bacon, while intelligently
+discussing topical subjects (for we carry out the poetical recipe of
+"Plain thinking and high living").
+
+_Miss Jessimina_ (_at the table-head_). The papers seem eloquent in
+laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I should
+like to go if I had anyone to take me!
+
+_Mr Wylie_ (_stingily_). And I would be enraptured at so tip-top an
+opportunity, but for circumstance of being stonily broken.
+
+     [_Helps himself to the surviving fowl egg._
+
+_Mr Cossetter_ (_in sepulchral tone_). Alack! that doctorial
+prescriptions do nill for me such nocturnal jinks; otherwise----
+
+     [_He treats himself to a digestible pill._
+
+_Myself_ (_taking a leap into the darkness and deadly breaches_). Since
+other gentlemen are not more obsequious in gallantry, I hereby tender
+myself for honour of accompanyist and _vade mecum_.
+
+_Miss Jess._ (_lowering the silken curtains of her almond-like orbs_).
+Oh, really, PRINCE! So _very_ unexpected! I must obtain the expert
+opinion of my Mamma.
+
+Mistress MANKLETOW did approve the jaunt on condition of our being
+saddled by a select lady boarder of the name of SPINK as a _tertium
+quid_ to play at propriety; at which I was internally disgusted, fearing
+she would play the old gooseberry with our _tete-a-tete_.
+
+Having arrived at Olympia, we perambulated the bazaar prior to the
+commencement of the shows, and here (after parting with rs. 8 for three
+seats on the balcony) I did bleed more freely still, for Miss JESSIMINA
+expressed a passionate longing to possess my profile, snipped out of
+paper by the scissors of a Silhouette, for which I mulcted one shilling
+sterling.
+
+And, after all, although it proved the _alter ego_ and speaking likeness
+of my embossed Bombay cap and golden spectacles, she found the fault
+that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness; not
+reflecting (with feminine imperceptivity) that, the material being
+black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of all
+alike!
+
+Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a
+pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their
+baptismal appellation (another rupee!).
+
+Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing the
+future for a penny in the slit, and Miss JESSIMINA worked the oracle
+with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing his optics
+and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce a small paper
+which she opened eagerly.
+
+_Miss Jess._ (_after perusal_). Only fancy! It says I'm "to marry a dark
+man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What ridiculous
+nonsense! do you not think so, PRINCE?
+
+_Myself_ (_with a tender sauciness_). Poet SHAKSPEARE asserts there are
+more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. I am not a
+superstitious--and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly
+through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a worshipful adorer who
+might be described as dark, and to whose native land it is a long
+journey?
+
+_Miss Jess._ (_with the complexion of a tomato_). It's time we took our
+seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly!
+
+It is notorious that the English female vocabulary contains no more
+caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I
+repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious
+appreciation.
+
+Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnificent, though the
+introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great prevalence of
+the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, nor do I see the
+rationality of engaging a _sais_ in topped boots to attend upon each
+machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of its belonging to the
+equine genus, since it can never become the similitude of a horse in
+mettlesome vivacity.
+
+My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the
+extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of a
+huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from scientific
+considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of gravitation, it
+was not possible for any rider to become a loser of his equilibrium--lo
+and behold! two of the competitors made the _facilis descensus_, and
+were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a calamity.
+
+But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable to
+hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital organs.
+Still, I cannot approve of these bicycle contentions, which are
+veritable provocative flights at the providential features.
+
+After the termination I conducted my _protegees_ to the Palmarium, where
+we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a neat-handed
+Phyllis in the uniform of a house-maid intermixed with a hospital nurse.
+
+Here occurred a most discomposing _contretemps_, for presently Miss
+JESSIMINA uttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding
+herself and Miss SPINK with the brazen eyes of a sheep, and even making
+personal comments on my nationality, which rendered me like toad under a
+harrow with burning indignation.
+
+At length, being utterly beside myself with rage, I summoned one of the
+Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, being
+met with a smiling "_Nolo Episcopari_." So, entreating my companions not
+to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands, I went in search
+of a policeman.
+
+Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to
+understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal
+opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear to
+my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind.
+
+[Illustration: "WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."]
+
+And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had the
+mortification to discover that the two impolite strangers had departed,
+and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were similarly imperceptible.
+
+However, after prolonged search and mental anxiety, I returned alone,
+and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety; and
+hearing that the two strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms
+of an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaintances.
+
+Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute my design of assault
+and battery, more especially as I am the happy receiver of many handsome
+compliments on all sides upon the tactfulness and _savoir faire_ with
+which I extricated myself from my shocking fix.
+
+At which my countenance beams with the shiny resplendency of
+self-satisfaction.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a
+    Whale._
+
+
+I am this week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck occurring
+to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the addressing
+of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of Hon'ble _Punch_, calling
+attention to the great copiousness of my literary out-put, and the
+ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money on account.
+On which, by returning post, my parched soul was reinvigorated by the
+refreshing draught of a _draft_ (if I may be permitted the rather
+facetious _jeu de mots_) payable to my order.
+
+So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast upon
+the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the improved
+form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the bank on which my
+cheque was drafted, and requested the bankers behind the counter to
+honour it with the equivalent in filthy lucres, which they did with
+obsequious alacrity.
+
+[Illustration: "WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."]
+
+After closely inspecting the notes to satisfy myself that I had not been
+imposed upon by meretricious counterfeits, I emerged with a beaming
+and joyful countenance, stowing the needful away carefully in an
+interior pocket, and, on descending the bank step, was accosted by a
+polite, agreeable stranger, who, begging my pardon with profusion,
+inquired whether he had not had the honour of voyaging from India with
+me in the--the--for his life he could not recall the name of the
+ship--he should forget his own name presently!
+
+"Indeed," I answered him, "I cannot remember having the felicity of an
+encounter with you upon the _Kaisar-i-Hind_."
+
+The Stranger: "To be sure; that _was_ the name! A truly magnificent
+vessel! I forget names--but faces, never! And yours I remember from the
+striking resemblance to my dear friend, the Maharajah of Bahanapur--you
+know him?--a very elegant young, handsome chap. A splendid _Shikarri_! I
+was often on the verge of asking if you were related; but being then but
+a second-class passenger, and under an impecunious cloud, did not dare
+to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to decease of
+wealthy uncle, I can address you without the mortifying fear of
+misconstruction."
+
+So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with the
+Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform him that I,
+too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn the princely
+instalment of a salary for jots and tittles contributed to periodical
+_Punch_. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing high
+appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the
+miserable paucity of my _honorarium_, saying he was thick as a thief
+with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a
+greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap at a
+Jew's eye.
+
+And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of
+tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at his expense; to
+which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, simple fellow, inflated by
+sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, contrary to my normal habitude,
+his offer of a brandy panee, or an old Tom.
+
+While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, like
+most globular trotters, he had not been long enough in the country to be
+accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so happened, was an
+early acquaintance of my companion, though separated by the old lang
+sign of a longinquity. What followed I shall render in a dialogue form.
+
+The Third party: Why, TOMKINS, you have a prosperous appearance,
+TOMKINS. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity of a
+churched mouse. Have you made your fortune, TOMKINS?
+
+_Mr Tomkins._ I am too easy a goer, and there are too many rogues in
+the world, that I should ever make my own fortune, JOHNSON! Happily for
+me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately departed to
+reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside the dream of
+an avaricious!
+
+_Mr Johnson_ (_enviously_). God bless my soul! Some folks have the good
+luck. (_To me, whispering._) A poor ninny-hammer sort of chap, he will
+soon throw it away on drakes and ducks! (_Aloud, to ~Mr TOMKINS.~_)
+Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely.
+
+_Mr T._ (_in a tone of dolesomeness_). The heart knoweth where the shoe
+pinches it, JOHNSON. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique and
+eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition commanding
+me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three calendered months
+from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed ten thousand pounds
+amongst young deserving foreigners. To-morrow time is up, and I have
+still a thousand pounds to give away! But how to discover genuine young
+deserving foreigners in so short a space? Truly, I go in fear of losing
+the whole!
+
+_Mr J._ Let me act as your _budli_ in this and distribute the remaining
+thousand.
+
+_Mr T._ From what I remember of you as a youth, I cannot wholly rely on
+your discretion. Rather would I place my confidence in this gentleman.
+
+     [_Indicating myself, who turned orange with pleasure._
+
+_Mr J._ Indeed? And how know you that he may not adhere to the entire
+thousand?
+
+_Mr T._ And if he does, it is no matter, if he is a genuine deserving. I
+can give the whole to him if I am so minded, and he need not give away a
+penny of it unless inclined.
+
+     [_At which I was fit to dance with delight._
+
+_Mr J._ I deny that you possess the power, seeing that he is a British
+subject, and as such cannot be styled a "foreigner."
+
+_Mr T._ There you have mooted a knotty point indeed. Alas, that we have
+no forensic big-wig here to decide it!
+
+_Myself_ (_modestly_). As a native poor student of English law, I
+venture to think that, by dint of my legal attainments, I shall be
+enabled to crack the Gordian nut. I am distinctly of opinion that an
+individual born of dusky parents in a tropical climate _is_ a foreigner,
+in the eye of British prejudice, and within the meaning of the testator.
+[_And here I maintained my assertion by a logomachy of such brilliancy
+and erudition that I completely convinced the minds of both auditors._
+
+_Mr J._ (_grumblingly, to ~Mr TOMKINS~_). Assuming he is correct, why
+favour _him_ more than _me_?
+
+_Mr T._ Because instinct informs me that a gentleman with such a face as
+his--however dusky--may be trusted, and with the untold gold!
+
+_Mr J._ (_jealously_). And I am not to be trusted! If you were to hand
+me your _portemonnaie_ now, full of notes and gold, and let me walk into
+the street with it, do you doubt that I should return? Speak, TOMKINS!
+
+_Mr T._ Assuredly not; but so, too, would this gentleman. (_To me, as
+~Mr JOHNSON~ sneered a doubt._) Here, you, Sir, take this _portemonnaie_
+out into the street for five minutes or so, I trust to your honour to
+return it intact. (_After I had emerged triumphantly from this severe
+ordeal of my ~bona fide~._) Aha, JOHNSON! am I the judge of men or not?
+
+_Mr J._ (_still seeking, as I could see, to undermine me in his friend's
+favour_). Pish! Who would steal a paltry L50 and lose L1000? If I had so
+much to give away, I should wish to be sure that the party I was about
+to endow had corresponding confidence in _me_. Now, though I have always
+considered you as a dull, I know you to be strictly honest, and would
+trust you with all I possess. In proof of which, take these two golden
+sovereigns and few shillings outside. Stay away as long as you desire.
+You will return, I know you well!
+
+_Myself_ (_penetrating this shallow artifice, and hoisting the
+engine-driver on his own petard_). Who would not risk a paltry L2 to
+gain L1000? Oh, a magnificent confidence, truly!
+
+_Mr J._ (_to me_). Have you the ordinary manly pluck to act likewise? If
+you are expecting him to trust you with the pot of money, he has a right
+to expect to be trusted in return. That is logic!
+
+_Mr T._ (_mildly_). No, JOHNSON, you are too hasty, JOHNSON. The cases
+are different. I can understand the gentleman's very natural hesitation.
+I do not ask him to show his confidence in me--enough that I feel I can
+trust _him_. If he doubts my honesty, I shall think no worse of him;
+whichever way I decide eventually.
+
+      [_Here, terrified lest by hesitation I had wounded him at
+      his quick, and lest, after all, he should decide to entrust
+      the thousand pounds to ~Mr JOHNSON~, I hastily produced all
+      the specie and bullion I had upon me, including a valuable
+      large golden chronometer and chain of best English make, and
+      besought him to go into the outer air for a while with them,
+      which, after repeated refusals, he at last consented to do,
+      leaving ~Myself~ and ~Mr JOHNSON~ to wait._
+
+_Mr J._ (_after tedious lapse of ten minutes_). Strange! I expected him
+back before this. But he is an absent-minded, chuckle-headed chap. Very
+likely he is staring at a downfallen horse and has forgotten this
+affair. I had better go in search of him. What? you will come, too.
+Capital! Then if you go to the right, and I to the left, we cannot miss
+him!
+
+But, alack! we did; and, in a short time, both Misters were invisible to
+the nude eye, nor have I heard from them since. Certain of my
+fellow-boarders, on hearing the matter, declared that I had been diddled
+by a bamboozle-trick; but it is egregiously absurd that my puissance in
+knowledge of the world should have been so much at fault; and, moreover,
+why should one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my
+paltry possessions? It is much more probable that they are still
+diligently seeking for me, having omitted, owing to hurry of moment, to
+ascertain my name and address; and I hereby request Mr TOMKINS, on
+reading this, to forward the thousand pounds (or so much thereof as in
+his munificent generosity he may deem sufficient) to me at Porticobello
+House, Ladbroke Grove, W., or care of his friend, the Editor of _Punch_,
+by whom it will (I am sure) be honourably handed over intact.
+
+Nor need Mr TOMKINS fear my reproaches for his dilatoriness, for there
+is a somewhat musty proverb that "Procrastination is preferable to
+Neverness."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+_How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club._
+
+
+Miss SPINK (whom I have mentioned _supra_ as a feminine inmate of
+Porticobello House) is _in additum_ a member of a Debating Female
+Society, which assembles once a week in various private Westbourne Grove
+parlours, for argumentative intercourse.
+
+So, she expressing an anxious desire that I should attend one of these
+conclaves, I consented, on ascertaining that I should be afforded the
+opportunity of parading the gab with which I have been gifted in an
+extemporised allocution.
+
+On the appointed evening I directed my steps, under the guidance of the
+said Miss SPINK, to a certain imposing stucco residence hard by, wherein
+were an assortment of female women conversing with vivacious garrulity,
+in a delicious atmosphere of tea, coffee, and buttered bread.
+
+[Illustration: "A WEEDY, TALL MALE GENTLEMAN."]
+
+After having partaken freely of these comestibles, we made the
+adjournment to a luxuriously upholstered parlour, circled with
+plush-seated chairs and adorned with countless mirrors, and there we
+began to beg the question at issue, to-whit, "_To what extent has Ibsen
+(if any) contributed towards the cause of Female Emancipation?_"
+which was opened by a weedy, tall male gentleman, with a lofty and a
+shining forehead, and round, owlish spectacle-glasses. He read a very
+voluminous paper, from which I learnt that IBSEN was the writer of
+innumerable new-fangled dramas of very problematical intentions,
+exposing the hollow conventionalisms of all established social usages,
+especially in the matrimonial department.
+
+When he had ceased there was a universal and unanimous silence, due to
+uncontrollable female bashfulness, for the duration of several minutes,
+until the chairwoman exhorted someone to have the courage of her
+opinions. And the ice being once fractured, one Amurath succeeded
+another in disjointed commentaries, plucking crows in the teeth of the
+assertions of the Hon'ble Opener and of their precursors, and resumed
+their seats with abrupt precipitancy, stating that they had no further
+remarks to make.
+
+Then ensued another interim of golden "Silence and slow Time," as Poet
+KEATS says, which was as if to become Sempiternity, had not I, rushing
+in where the angels were in fear of slipping up, caught the Speaker in
+the eye, and tipped the wink of my _cacoethes loquendi_.
+
+To prevent disappointment, I shall report my harangue with verbose
+accuracy.
+
+_Myself_ (_assuming a perpendicular attitude, inserting one hand among
+my vest buttons, and waving the other with a graceful affability_).
+"HON'BLE MISS CHAIRWOMAN, MADAMS, MISSES, AND HON'BLE MISTER OPENER, the
+humble individual now palpitating on his limbs before you is a denizen
+from a land whose benighted, ignorant inhabitants are accustomed to
+treat the females of their species as small fry and fiddle faddle. Yes,
+Madams and Misses, in India the woman is forbidden to eat except in the
+severest solitude, and after her lord and master has surfeited his pangs
+of hunger; she may not make the briefest outdoor excursion without
+permission, and then solely in a covered _palkee_, or the hermetically
+sealed interior of a blinded carriage. (_Cries of 'Shame.'_) In the
+Zenana, she is restricted to the occupation of puerile gossipings, or
+listening to apocryphal fairy tales of so scandalising an impropriety
+that I shrink to pollute my ears by the repetition even of the tit-bits.
+(_Subdued groans._)
+
+"Such being the case, you can imagine the astonishment and gratification
+I have experienced here this evening at the intelligence and forwardness
+manifested by so many effeminate intellects. (_A flattered rustle and
+prolonged simpering._)
+
+"The late respectable Dr BEN JOHNSON, gifted author of _Boswell's
+Biography_ (_applause_), once rather humorously remarked, on witnessing
+a nautch performed by canine quadrupeds, that--although their
+choreographical abilities were of but a mediocre nature--the wonderment
+was that they should be capable at all to execute such a hind-legged
+feat and _tour de force_.
+
+"Similarly, it is to me a gaping marvel that womanish tongues should
+hold forth upon subjects which are naturally far outside the radius of
+their comprehensions.
+
+"The subject for our discursiveness to-night is, '_To what extent has
+Ibsen contributed to the Cause (if any) of Female Emancipation?_' and
+being a total ignoramus up to date of the sheer existence of said
+hon'ble gentleman, I shall abstain from scratching my head over so
+Sphinxian a conundrum, and confine myself to knuckling to the obiter
+diction of sundry lady speakers.
+
+"There was a stout full-blown matron, with grey curl-shavings and a
+bonnet and plumage, who declaimed her opinionated conviction that it was
+degrading and _infra dig._ for any woman to be treated as a doll.
+(_Hear, hear._) Well, I would hatch the questionable egg of a doubt
+whether any rationalistic masculine could regard the speaker herself in
+a dollish aspect, and will assure her that in my fatherland every
+cultivated native gentleman would approach her with the cold shoulder of
+apprehensive respectfulness. (_The bonneted matron becomes ruddier than
+the cherry with complacency, and fans herself vigorously._)
+
+"Next I shall deal with the tall, meagre female near the fire-hearth, in
+abbreviated hair and a nose-pinch, who set up the claim that her sex
+were in all essentials the equals, if not the superiors, of man. Now,
+without any gairish of words, I will proceed baldly to enumerate various
+important physical differentiations which---- (_Intervention by Hon'ble
+Chairwoman, reminding me that these were not in disputation._) I bow to
+correction, and kiss the rod by summing up the gist of my argument,
+viz., that it is nonsensical idiotcy to suppose that a woman can be the
+equivalent of a man either in intellectual gripe, in bodily
+robustiousness, or in physical courage. Of the last, I shall afford an
+unanswerable proof from my own person. It is notorious, _urbi et orbi_,
+that every feminine person will flee in panicstricken dismay from the
+approach of the smallest mouse.
+
+"I am a Bengali, and, as such, profusely endowed with the fugacious
+instinct, and yet, shall I quake in appalling consternation if a mouse
+is to invade my vicinity?
+
+"Certainly I shall not; and why? Because, though not racially a
+temerarious, I nevertheless appertain to the masculine sex, and
+consequentially my heart is not capable of contracting at the mere
+aspect of a rodent. This is not to blow the triumphant trumpet of sexual
+superiority, but to prove a simple undenied fact by dint of an _a
+fortiori_.
+
+"Having pulverised my pinched-nose predecessor, I pass on to a speaker
+of a very very opposite personality--the well-proportioned, beauteous
+maiden with azure starry eyes, gilded hair, and teeth like the seeds of
+a pomegranate (oh, _si sic omnes!_), who vaunted, in the musical accents
+of a cuckoo, her right to work out her own life, independently of
+masculine companionship or assistance, and declared that the saccharine
+element of courtship and connubiality was but the exploded mask of man's
+tyrannical selfishness.
+
+"Had such shocking sentiments been aired by some of the other lady
+orators in this room, I must facetiously have recalled them to a certain
+fabular fox which criticised the unattainable grapes as too immature to
+merit mastication; but the particular speaker cannot justly be said to
+be on all fours with such an animal. Understand, please, I am no
+prejudiced, narrow-minded chap. I would freely and generously permit
+plainfaced, antiquated, unmarriageable madams and misses to undertake
+the manufacture of their own careers _ad nauseam_; but when I behold a
+maiden of such excessive pulchritude---- (_Second intervention by
+Hon'ble Chairwoman desiring me to abstain from personal references._) I
+assure the Hon'ble Miss CHAIRWOMAN that I was not alluding to herself,
+but since she has spoken in my wheel with such severity, I will conclude
+with my peroration on the subject for debate, namely, the theatrical
+dramas of Hon'ble IBSEN. When, Madams and Misses, I make the odious
+comparison of these works, with which I am completely unacquainted, to
+the productions of Poet SHAKSPEARE, where I may boast the familiarity
+that is a breeder of contempt, I find that, in _Hamlet's_ own words, it
+is the 'Criterion of a Satire,' and I shall assert the unalterable _a
+priori_ of my belief that the melodious Swan of Stony Stratford, whether
+judged by his longitude, his versical blankness, or the profoundly of
+his attainments in Chronology, Theology, Phrenology, Palmistry,
+Metallurgy, Zoography, Nosology, Chiropody, or the Musical Glasses, has
+outnumbered every subsequent contemporary and succumbed them all!"
+
+With this, I sat down, leaving my audience as _sotto voce_ as fishes
+with admiration and amazement at the facundity of my eloquence, and
+should indubitably have been the recipient of innumerable felicitations
+but for the fact that Miss SPINK, suddenly experiencing sensations of
+insalubriousness, requested me, without delay, to conduct her from the
+assemblage.
+
+I would willingly make a repetition of my visit and rhetorical triumphs,
+only Miss SPINK informs me that she has recently terminated her
+membership with the above society.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+_How he saw the practice of the University Crews, and what he thought of
+    it._
+
+
+The notorious Intercollegian Boat-race of this _anno Domini_ will be
+obsolete and _ex post facto_ by the time of publication of the present
+instalment of jots and tittles, still I am sufficiently presumptive to
+think that the cogitations and personal experiences of a cultivated,
+thoughtful native gentleman on this coerulean topic may not be found
+so stale and dry as the remainder of a biscuit.
+
+First I will make a clean bosom with the confession that, though
+ardently desirous to witness such a Titianic struggle for the _cordon
+bleu_ of old Father Antic the Thames, I was not the actual spectator of
+the affair, being previously contracted to escort Miss MANKLETOW (whose
+wishfulness is equivalent to legislation) to a theatrical matutinal
+performance, which she would in nowise consent to renounce, alleging
+that she had already seen the Boat-race to the verge of satiety, and
+that the spectacle was instantaneous and paltry.
+
+However, on acquainting my kind and patronising father, Hon'ble _Punch_,
+of my disappointment, he did benevolently propose, as a _pis aller_ and
+blind bargain, a voyage in the steam launch-boat of the official
+coachman of one of the crews so that I might ascertain how the trick was
+done.
+
+And at 10 A.M. on the day of assignation I presented myself at the
+riparian premises of a certain Boating Society, and, on exhibiting my
+letter of credit to the Mentor or Corypheus aforesaid, was received _a
+bras ouverts_ and with an urbane offhandedness.
+
+After I had hung fire and cooled my heels on the banks for a while, I
+was instructed to enter a skiff, which conveyed me and others to a
+steamship of very meagre dimensions, whereupon owing to the heel of one
+of my Japan leather shoes becoming implicated in the wire railing that
+circumvented the desk, I was embarked in a horizontal attitude, and
+severely deteriorated the tall chimneypot hat which I had assumed to do
+credit to the hon'ble periodical I represented. (_Nota bene._ Hatmaker's
+bill for renovating same, 2 rupees 8 annas--which those to whom it is of
+concern will please attend to and refund.)
+
+On recovery of my head-gear and equanimity, I stationed myself in close
+proximity to the officiating coach for purpose of being on the threshold
+of inquiries, and proceeded to pop numerous questions to my neighbours.
+I ascertained, among other things, that the vessels are called
+"eights," owing to their containing nine passengers; that the ninth is
+called the "cock," and is a mere supernumerary or understudent, in case
+any member of the crew should be overcome by sickishness during the
+contest and desire to discontinue.
+
+It appears that the race is of religious and ceremonious origin, for
+only "good men" are permitted to compete, and none who is a wine
+drunkard, a gluttonous, or addicted to any form of tobacco. Moreover,
+they are to observe a strict fast and abstinence for many weeks previous
+to the ordeal. The most prominent ecclesiastics and Judges of the
+Supreme Courts are usually chosen from this class of individuals, which
+is a further proof of the sanctimoniousness attached to the competition.
+
+Consequently I was the more surprised at the disrespectful
+superciliousness of their _Fidus Achates_ or dry nurse, who, stretching
+himself upon his stomach in the prow, did shout counsels of perfection
+at his receding pupils.
+
+Such criticisms as I overheard, seemed to me of a very puerile and
+captious description, and some of an opprobrious personality, _e.g._, as
+when a certain oarman was taunted with being short--as though he were
+capable of adding the cubic inch to his stature!
+
+Another I heard advised to keep his visual organs in the interior of the
+boat, though, being ordinary optics and not at all of a vitreous
+composition, they could not be removable by volition. Again, a third was
+reproached because of the lateness with which he had made his beginning;
+but, as it was not asserted that he was inferior to the rest, the
+tardiness of his initiation was surely rather honourable than
+disgraceful!
+
+I observed that said trainer did stickle almost prudishly for propriety,
+being greatly shocked at the levity with which the rowers were attired
+and entreating them to keep their buttons well up, though indeed I could
+discern none, nor was there much which was humanly possible to be
+buttoned.
+
+For myself, I must make the humble complaint that the Hon'ble Coach was
+defective in courteous attention to my inquisitiveness, which he totally
+ignored. For I could not prevail upon him to explain what thing it was
+that he directed the oarmen to "wait for," to "spring at from a
+stretcher," and "catch at the beginning;" nor why they were forbidden to
+row with their hands, not being quadrumanous, and able to employ their
+feet in such a manner; nor whether when he commanded them to "get in at
+once," he intended them to leap into the waters or to return to the
+landing-place, nor why they did neither of these things; nor why he
+should express satisfaction that a certain rower had got rid of a lofty
+feather, which would indubitably have added to the showiness of his
+appearance.
+
+Again, hearing him anxiously inquire the time after a stoppage, I was
+proceeding to explain how gladly I would have given him such
+information, but for the unavoidable absence of my golden chronometer,
+owing to the failure of Misters TOMKINS and JOHNSON to restore the same,
+whereupon he treated me in such a "please-go-away-and-die" sort of style
+that I subsided with utmost alacrity.
+
+On the return voyage the Collegiate eight was challenged to a spurting
+match by a scratched crew, which appeared to me to be the superior in
+velocity, though it seemed it was then too late to make the happy
+exchange.
+
+When the practice was at an end and the Blues in a state of quiescence,
+I intimated my desire to harangue them and express my wonderment and
+admiration at beholding them content to suffer such hardships and perils
+and faultfinding without expostulation or excuses for their
+shortcomings, and all for no pecuniary recompense, but the evasive
+reward of a _nominis umbra_. And I would have reminded them of the
+extended popularity of their performance, and that it was an unfairness
+to muzzle the ox that treadeth upon one's corn, appealing to them to
+stand up for their rights, and refuse to compete except for the
+honorarium of a _quid pro quo_.
+
+But the official instructor, seeing me about to climb upon the poop, to
+deliver my oration, entreated me with so much earnestness to desist that
+I became immediately aphonous.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight._
+
+
+A young sprightly Londoner acquaintance of mine, who is a member of a
+Sportish Club where exhibitions of fisticuffs are periodically given,
+did generously invite me on a recent Monday evening to be the
+eye-witness of this gladiatorial spectacle.
+
+And, though not constitutionally bellicose, I eagerly accepted his
+invitation on being assured that I should not be requisitioned to take
+part personally in such pugilistic exercises, and should observe same
+from a safe distance and coign of vantage, for I am sufficiently a lover
+of sportfulness to appreciate highly the sight of courage and science in
+third parties.
+
+So he conducted me to the Club-house, and by the open sesame of a ticket
+enabled me to penetrate the barrier, after which I followed his wake
+downstairs, through rooms full of smoking and conversing sportlovers
+mostly in festal attire, to a long and lofty hall with balconies and a
+stage at the further end with foliage painted in imitation of a forest,
+which was tenanted by press reporters.
+
+The centre of the hall was monopolised by a white square platform
+confined by a circumambience of rope, which I was informed was the
+veritable theatre of war and cockpit.
+
+Presently two hobbardyhoys made the ascent of this platform with their
+attendant myrmidons, and did proceed to remove their trouserings and
+coats until they were in the state of nature with the exception of a
+loincloth, whereupon the President or Master of the Ceremonies
+introduced them and their respective partisans by name to the
+assemblage, stating their precise ponderability, and that these juvenile
+antagonists were fraternally related by ties of brotherhood.
+
+At which I was revolted, for it is against nature and _contra bonos
+mores_ that relations should be egged on into family jars, nor can such
+proceedings tend to promote the happiness and domesticity of their home
+circle. However, on such occasion when the youths were in danger of
+inflicting corporal injuries upon each other, the President called out
+"Time" in such reproving tones that they hung their heads in
+shamefulness and desisted. And at length they were persuaded into a
+pacification, and made the _amende honorable_ by shaking each other by
+the hand, whereat I was rejoiced, for, as Poet WATT says, "Birds which
+are in little nests should refrain from falling out."
+
+The victory was adjudged to the elder brother--in obedience, I suppose,
+to the rule of Primogeniture, for he did not succeed in reducing his
+opponent to a _hors de combat_.
+
+Next came a more bustling encounter between Misters BILL HUSBAND and
+MYSTERIOUS SMITH, which was protracted to the duration of eight rounds.
+I was largely under the impression that Mister HUSBAND was to win, owing
+to the acclamations he received, and the excessive agility with which he
+removed his head from vicinity of the blows of Mister MYSTERIOUS SMITH.
+
+It was truly magnificent to see how they did embrace each other by the
+neck, and the wonderment and suspicion in their glances when one
+discovered that he was resting his chin upon the padded hand of his
+adversary, and from time to time the Hon'ble Chairman was heard ordering
+them to "break away," and "not to hold," or requesting us to refrain
+from any remarks. And at intervals they retired to sit upon chairs in
+opposing corners, where they rinsed their mouths, and were severely
+fanned by their bearers, who agitated a large towel after the manner of
+a punkah. But, in the end, it was Mysterious Mister SMITH who hit the
+right nail on the head, and was declared the conquering hero, though
+once more I was incapacitated to discover in what precise respects he
+was the _facile princeps_.
+
+Around the hall there were placards announcing that smoking was
+respectfully prohibited, and the President did repeatedly entreat
+members of the audience to refrain from blowing a cloud, assuring them
+that the perfume of tobacco was noxious and disgustful to the
+combatants, and threatening to mention disobedient tobacconists by name.
+
+Whereupon most did desist; but some, secreting their cigars in the
+hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find it
+flame; while others, who were such grandees and big pots that their own
+convenience was the first and foremost desideratum, continued to smoke
+with lordliness and indifference.
+
+And I am an approver of such conduct--for it is unreasonable that a
+well-bred, genteel sort of individual should make the total sacrifice of
+a cigar, for which he has perhaps paid as much as two or even four
+annas, out of consideration for insignificant common chaps hired to
+engage in snipsnaps for his entertainment.
+
+The last competition was to be the _bonne bouche_ and _piece de
+resistance_ of the evening, consisting of a rumpus in twenty rounds
+between Misters TOM TRACY of Australia, and TOMMY WILLIAMS, from the
+same hemisphere, at which I was on the tiptoe of expectation.
+
+But, although they commenced with dancing activity, one of the TOMS in
+the very first round sparred the other under the chin with such
+superabundant energy that he immediately became a recumbent for a
+lengthy period, and, on being elevated to a chair, only recaptured
+sufficient consciousness to abandon the sponge.
+
+And then, to my chapfallen disappointment, the Chairman announced that
+he was very sorry and could not help it, but that was the concluding box
+of the evening.
+
+I will reluctantly confess that, on the whole, I found the proceedings
+lacking in sensationality, since they were of very limited duration, and
+totally devoid of bloodshed, or any danger to the life and limb of the
+performers. For it is not reasonably possible for a combatant to make a
+palpable hit when his hands are, as it were, muzzled, being cabined,
+cribbed, and confined in padded soft gloves. I am not a squeamish in
+such cases, and I must respectfully submit that the Cause of True Sport
+can only be hampered by such nursery and puerile restrictions, for none
+can expect to compound an omelette without the fracture of eggs.
+
+Upon remarking as above to my young lively friend, he assured me that
+even a gloved hand was competent to produce facial disfigurement and tap
+the vital fluid, and offered to demonstrate the truth of his statement
+if I would be the partaker with him in a glove-box.
+
+But, though doubting the authenticity of his assertions, I thought it
+prudential to decline the proof of the pudding, and so took a
+precipitate leave of him with profuse thanks for his unparagoned
+kindness, and many promises to put on the gloves with him at the first
+convenient opportunity.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy._
+
+
+It is an indubitable fact that the discovery of steam is the most
+marvellous invention of the century. For had it been predicted
+beforehand that innumerable millions of human beings would be
+transported with security at a headlong speed for hundreds of miles
+along a ferruginous track, the most temporary deviation from which would
+produce the inevitable cataclysm and no end of a smash, the working
+majority would have expressed their candid opinion of such rhodomontade
+by cocking the contemptuous snook of incredulity.
+
+And yet it is now the highly accomplished fact and matter of course!
+
+Still, I shall venture to express the opinion that the pleasurability of
+such railway journeys is largely dependent upon the person who may be
+our travelling companion, and that some of the companies are not quite
+careful enough in the exclusion of undesirable fellow-passengers. In
+proof of which I now beg to submit an exemplary instance from personal
+experience.
+
+I was recently the payer of a ceremonial visit to a friend of my
+boyhood, namely, BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, with whom, finding him at
+home in his lodgings in a distant suburb, I did hold politely
+affectionate intercourse for the space of two hours, and then departed,
+as I had come, by train, and the sole occupant of a second-class dual
+compartment divided by a low partition.
+
+At the next station the adjoining compartment was suddenly invaded by a
+portly female of the matronly type, with a rubicund countenance and a
+bonnet in a dismantled and lopsided condition, who was bundled through
+the doorway by the impetuosity of a porter, and occupied a seat in
+immediate opposition to myself.
+
+[Illustration: "A BEAMING SIMPER OF INDESCRIBABLE SUAVITY."]
+
+When the train resumed its motion, I observed that she was contemplating
+me with a beaming simper of indescribable suavity, and though she was of
+an unornamental exterior and many years my superior, I constrained
+myself from motives of merest politeness to do some simperings in
+return, since only a churlish would grudge such an economical and
+inexpensive civility.
+
+But whether she was of an unusually ardent temperament, or whether,
+against my volition, I had invested my simper with an irresistible
+winsomeness, I cannot tell; but she fell to making nods and becks and
+wreathed smiles which reduced me to crimsoned sheepishness, and the
+necessity of looking earnestly out of window at vacancy.
+
+At this she entreated me passionately not to be unkind, inviting me to
+cross to the next compartment and seat myself by her side; but I did
+nill this invitation politely, urging that Company's bye-laws
+countermanded the placing of boots upon the seat-cushions, and my utter
+inability to pose as a _Romeo_ to scale the barrier.
+
+Whereupon to my lively horror and amazement, she did exclaim, "Then I
+will come to _you_, darling!" and commenced to scramble precipitately
+towards me over the partition!
+
+At which I was in the blue funk, perceiving the _arcanum_ of her design
+to embrace me, and resolved to leave no stone unturned for the
+preservation of my bacon. So, at the moment she made the entrance into
+my compartment, I did simultaneously hop the twig into the next, and she
+followed in pursuit, and I once more achieved the return with
+inconceivable agility.
+
+Then, as we were both, like _Hamlet_, fat and short of breath, I
+addressed her gaspingly across the barrier, assuring her that it was as
+if to milk the ram to set her bonnet at a poor young native chap who
+regarded her with nothing but platonical esteem, and advising her to sit
+down for the recovery of her wind.
+
+But alack! this speech only operated to inspire her with _spretae injuria
+formae_, and flourishing a large stalwart umbrella, she exclaimed that
+she would teach me how to insult a lady.
+
+After that she came floundering once again over the partition, and
+guarding my loins, I leapt into the next compartment, seeing the affair
+had become a _sauve qui peut_, and devil take the hindmost: and at the
+nick of time, when she was about to descend like a wolf on a fold, I
+most fortunately perceived a bell-handle provided for such pressing
+emergencies and rung it with such unparalleled energy, that the train
+immediately became stationary.
+
+Then, as my female persecutress alighted on the floor of the compartment
+in the limp condition of a collapse, I stepped across to my original
+seat, and endeavoured to look as if with withers unwrung. Presently the
+Guard appeared, and what followed I can best render in the dramatical
+form of a dialogue:--
+
+_The Guard_ (_addressing the ~Elderly Female~, who is sitting smiling with
+vacuity beneath the bell-pull_). So it is you who have sounded the
+alarm! What is it all about?
+
+_The Elderly Female_ (_with warm indignation_). Me? I never did! I am
+too much of the lady. It was that young coloured gentleman in the next
+compartment.
+
+     [_At which the tip of my nose goes down with
+     apprehensiveness._
+
+_The Guard._ Indeed! A likely story! How could the gentleman ring this
+bell from where he is?
+
+_Myself_ (_with mental presence_). Well said, Mister GUARD! The thing
+is not humanly possible. _Rem acu tetigisti!_
+
+_The Guard._ I do not understand Indian, Sir. If you have anything to
+say about this affair, you had better say it.
+
+_Myself_ (_combining discretion with magnanimousness_). As a chivalrous,
+I must decline to bring any accusation against a member of the weaker
+sex, and my tongue is hermetically sealed.
+
+_The Eld. F._ It was _him_ who rang the alarm, and not me. He was in
+this compartment, and I in that.
+
+_The Guard._ What? have you been playing at Hide-and-seek together,
+then? But if your story is watertight, he must have rung the bell in a
+state of abject bodily terror, owing to your chivying him about!
+
+_The Eld. F._ It is false! I have been well educated, and belong to an
+excellent family. I merely wanted to kiss him.
+
+_The Guard._ I see what is your complaint. You have been imbibing the
+drop too much and will hear of this from the Company. I must trouble
+you, Mam, for your correct name and address.
+
+_Myself_ (_after he had obtained this and was departing_). Mister Guard,
+I do most earnestly entreat you not to abandon me to the tender mercies
+of this feminine. I am not a proficient in physical courage, and have no
+desire to test the correctness of Poet POPE'S assertion, that Hell does
+not possess the fury of a scorned woman. I request to be conducted into
+a better-populated compartment.
+
+_The Guard_ (_with complimentary jocosity_). Ah, such young good-looking
+chaps as you ought to go about in a veil. Come with me, and I'll put you
+into a smoker-carriage. You won't be run after there!
+
+So the incident was closed, and I did greatly compliment myself upon the
+sagacity and coolness of head with which I extricated myself from my
+pretty kettle of fish. For to have denounced myself as the real alarmist
+would have rendered the affair more, rather than less, discreditable to
+my feminine companion, and I should have been arraigned before the
+solemn bar of a police-court magistrate, who might even have made a Star
+Chamber matter of the incident.
+
+All is well that is well over, but when you have been once bitten, you
+become doubly bashful. Consequently, this humble self will take care
+that he does not on any subsequent occasion travel alone in a railway
+compartment with a female woman.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise._
+
+
+Diligent perusers of my lucubrations to _Punch_ will remember that I
+have devoted sundry jots and tittles to the subject of Miss JESSIMINA
+MANKLETOW, and already may have concluded that I was long since up to
+the hilt in the tender passion. In this deduction, however, they would
+have manufactured a stentorian cry from an extreme paucity of wool; the
+actual fact being that, although percipient of the well-proportionate
+symmetry of her person and the ladylike liveliness of her deportment, I
+did never regard her except with eyes of strictly platonic philandering
+and calf love.
+
+It is true that, at certain seasons, the ostentatious favours she would
+squander upon other young masculine boarders in my presence did reduce
+me to the doleful dump of despair, so that even the birds and beasts of
+forest shed tears at my misery, and frequently at meal-times I have
+sought to move her to compassion by neighing like horse, or by the
+incessant rolling of my visual organs; though she did only attribute
+such _ad misericordiam_ appeals to the excessive gravity of the cheese,
+or the immaturity of the rhubarb pie.
+
+But I was then a labourer under the impression that I was the odd man
+out of her affections, and it is well known that, to a sensitive, it is
+intolerable to feel that oneself is not the object of adoration, even to
+one to whom we may entertain but a mediocre attraction.
+
+On a recent evening we had a _tete-a-tete_ which culminated in the utter
+surprise. It was the occasion of our hebdomadal dancing-party at
+Porticobello House, and I had solicited her to become a copartner with
+this unassuming self in the maziness of a waltz; but, not being the
+carpet-knight, and consequently treading the measure with too great
+frequency upon the toes of my fair auxiliary, she suggested a temporary
+withdrawal from circulation.
+
+To which I assenting, she conducted me to a landing whereon was a small
+glazed apartment, screened by hangings and furnished with a profusion of
+unproductive pots, which is styled the conservatory, and here we did sit
+upon two wicker-worked chairs, and for a while were mutually _sotto
+voce_.
+
+Presently I, remarking with corner of eye the sumptuousness of her
+appearance, and the supercilious indifference of her demeanour, which
+made it seem totally improbable that she should ever, like _Desdemona_,
+seriously incline to treat me as an _Othello_, commenced to heave the
+sighs of a fire-stove, causing Miss JESSIMINA to accuse me of desiring
+myself in India.
+
+I denied this with native hyperbolism, saying that I was content to
+remain in _statu quo_ until the doom cracked, and that the conservatory
+was for me the equivalent of Paradise.
+
+She replied that its similitude to Paradise would be more startling if a
+larger proportion of the pots had contained plants, and if such plants
+as there were had not fallen into such a lean and slippered stage of
+decrepitude, adding that she did perpetually urge her mamma to incur the
+expense of some geranium-blooms and a few fairy-lamps, but she had
+refused to run for such adornments.
+
+[Illustration: "I BECAME ONCE MORE THE SILENT TOMB."]
+
+And I, with spontaneous gallantry, retorted that she was justified in
+such parsimony, since her daughter's eyes supplied such fairy
+illumination, and upon her cheeks was a bloom brighter than many
+geraniums. But this compliment she unhappily mistook as an insinuation
+that her complexion was of meretricious composition, and seeing that I
+had put my foot into a _cul-de-sac_, I became once more the silent tomb,
+and exhaled sighs at intervals.
+
+Presently she declared once more that she saw, from the dullness of my
+expression, that I was longing for the luxurious magnificence of my
+Indian palace.
+
+Now my domestic abode, though a respectable spacious sort of residence,
+and containing my father, mother, married brothers, &c., together with a
+few antique unmarried aunts, is not at all of a palatial
+architecture; but it is a bad bird that blackens his own nest, and so I
+merely answered that I was now so saturated with Western civilisation,
+that I had lost all taste for Oriental splendours.
+
+Next she inquired whether I did not miss the tiger-shooting and
+pig-sticking; and I replied (with veraciousness, since I am not the _au
+fait_ in such sports) that I could not deny a liability to miss both
+tigers and pigs, and, indeed, all animals that were _ferae naturae_, and
+she condemned the hazardousness of these jungle sports, and wished me to
+promise that I would abstain from them on my return to India.
+
+To this I replied that before I agreed to such a self-denying ordinance,
+I desired to be more convinced of the sincerity of her interest in the
+preservation of my humble existence.
+
+Miss JESSIMINA asked what had she done that I should be in dubitation as
+to her _bona fides_?
+
+Then I did meekly remind her of her flirtatious preferences for the
+young beef-witted London chaps, and her incertitude and disdainful
+capriciousness towards myself, who was not a beetlehead or an obtuse,
+but a cultivated native gentleman with high-class university degree, and
+an oratorical flow of language which was infallibly to land me upon the
+pinnacle of some tip-top judicial preferment in the Calcutta High Court
+of Justice.
+
+She made the excuse that she was compelled by financial reasons to be
+pleasant to the male boarders, and that I could not expect any marked
+favouritism so long as I kept my tongue concealed inside my damask cheek
+like a worm in bud.
+
+Upon which, transported by uncontrollable emotion, I ventured to embrace
+her, assuring her that she was the cynosure of my neighbouring eyes, and
+supplied the vacuum and long-felt want of my soul, and while occupied in
+imprinting a chaste salute upon her rosebud lips--who'd have thought it!
+her severe matronly parent popped in through the curtains and, surveying
+me with a cold and basilican eye, did demand my intentions.
+
+Nor can I tell what I should have responded, seeing that I had acted
+from momentary impulsiveness and feminine encouragement, had not Miss
+JESSIMINA, with ready-made female wit, answered for me that it was all
+right, and that we were the engaged couple.
+
+But her mother expressed an ardent desire to hear my _viva voce_
+corroboration of this statement, informing me that she was but a poor
+weak widow-woman, but that, if it should appear that I was merely the
+giddy trifler of her daughter's young, artless affections, it would be
+her dolesome duty to summon instantaneously every male able-bodied
+inmate of her establishment, and request them to inflict deserved
+corporal chastisement upon my person!
+
+So, although still of a twitter with amazement at Miss JESSIMINA'S
+announcement, I considered it the better part of valour to corroborate
+it with promptitude, rather than incur the shocking punches and kicks of
+numerous athletic young commercials; and, upon hearing the piece of good
+news, Mrs MANKLETOW exploded into lachrymation, saying that she was
+divested of narrow-minded racial colour prejudices, and had from the
+first regarded me as a beloved son.
+
+Then, blessing me, and calling me her Boy, she clasped me against her
+bosom, where, owing to the exuberant redundancy of her ornamental
+jetwork, my nose and chin received severe laceration and disfigurement,
+which I endured courageously, without a whimper.
+
+When I have grown more accustomed to being the lucky dog, I shall
+commence cockahooping, and become merry as a grig. At the present moment
+I am only capable of wonderment at the unpremeditated rapidity with
+which such solemn concerns as betrothals are knocked off in this
+country.
+
+But if, as _Macbeth_ says, such jobs are to be done at all, then it is
+well they were done quickly.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+_Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations in a
+    Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that Mr Jabberjee
+    failed to understand._
+
+
+My preceding article announced the important intelligence of my
+betrothal, in which I was then too much the neophyte to express any very
+opinionated judgment as to the pros or cons of my approaching
+_benediction_ as a _Benedick_ (if I may be allowed a somewhat humorous
+pun).
+
+_L'appetit vient en mangeant_, and I am blessing my stars more fervidly
+every day for the lucky windfall which has bolted upon me from the blue.
+
+All the select boarders were speedily informed of my engagement, and the
+males though profuse in their congratulations, did manifest their
+green-eyed monster by sundry veiled chucklings and rib-pokings, while
+the ladies--especially Miss SPINK--are become less pressing in their
+attentions, and address me as "Prince" with increased frequency, and in
+a tone of tittering acidulation.
+
+This, however, is attributable to natural disappointment; for it was
+notorious that all of them, even the least prepossessing, were on the
+tiptoe of languishing expectancy that I should cast my handkerchief in
+one of their directions. But the feminine nature is not capable of
+sustaining the good-fortune of another member of their sex with
+good-humoured complacency!
+
+On the other hand, I enjoy many privileges and bonuses. I am permitted
+to enter Mrs MANKLETOW'S private parlour _ad libitum_, and there
+converse with my beloved, calling her "JESSIE," and even embrace her in
+moderation. I may also embrace her Mother, and address her as "Mamma,"
+which affords me raptures of a less tumultuous kind.
+
+Moreover now, when I conduct my _inamorata_ to an entertainment, it is
+no longer _de rigueur_ for any third party to impersonate a gooseberry!
+
+The mention of entertainments reminds me that, a few evenings ago, I
+escorted her to a music-hall, wherein, although I had previously
+believed myself a past master in the shibboleth of London Cockneyisms
+and technical terminology, I heard and saw much which was _au bout de
+mon Latin_, and the head impossible to be made out of the tail.
+
+_E.g._, there were two young lady-performers alleged by the programme to
+be "Serios and Bone Soloists," whereas they were the reverse of
+lugubrious; nor were their physiognomies fleshless or osseous; but, on
+the contrary, so shapely and well-favoured that JESSIE did remonstrate
+with me upon the perseverance with which I gazed at them.
+
+And I could not at all find anyone to explain to me the difference
+between a "_Comedian_" and a "_Comic_"; or a "_Comedian and Patterer_"
+and an "_Eccentric Comedian_"; or a "_Society Belle_" and a "_Burlesque
+Artiste_"; or, again, "_A Sketch Artiste_" and a "_Speciality Dancer_."
+For to me they seemed precisely similar. There were "_four Charming
+Lyric Sisters_," who performed a dance in long expansive skirts, and in
+conclusion did all turn heels-over-head in simultaneity; but this, it
+seems, was--contrary to my own expectancy--_not_ to dance a speciality.
+Speaking for my humble part, I am respectfully of opinion that lovely
+woman loses in queenly dignity by the abrupt execution of a somersault;
+however, the feat did indubitably excite vociferous applause from the
+spectators.
+
+Further there appeared a couple of Duettists in ordinary evening
+habiliments, who sang in unison with egregious melodiousness. One was
+plump as a partridge; the other thin as a weasel; and they related how
+they were both the adorers of a certain lovely damsel called "SALLY,"
+who was the darling of their co-operative hearts, and resided in their
+Alley. And of all the days in the week they loved Sunday, because then
+they were dressed in all their best, and went for a walk with SALLY.
+
+I should have thought that it was not humanly feasible for SALLY to
+continue such periodical promenades without exhibiting some preferential
+kind of choice, either for the partridge or the weasel, and that such a
+triangular courtship and triple alliance would infallibly terminate in
+the apple of discord, but JESSIE did assure me that it was quite usual
+and the correct cheese for a girl to have more than one beau upon her
+string.
+
+[Illustration: "IN GARBAGE OF UNPARAGONED SHABBINESS."]
+
+I made the further observation that the Comedians and Comics must be
+reduced to extreme pauperism, since they presented themselves before a
+well-dressed, respectable audience in garbage of unparagoned shabbiness,
+and with hair of unbrushed wildness, and needing immediate tonsure.
+
+One songster did offer some excuse for the poverty of his appearance,
+telling us his hard case, how that he was occupied in declaring his
+passion to a beauteous damsel, when she was "all over him in a minute,"
+and, while he was making love to the pretty stars above, she cleared out
+all his pockets in a minute! At which many laughed; but, though Jove is
+said to regard lovers' perjuries with cachinnation, I could not help
+feeling the most pitiable sympathy for such a disappointing conclusion
+to a love affair, seeing that it is impossible for the comeliest nymph
+who returns her admirer's devotion by stealing his purse, and similar
+trash, to remain posed any longer upon the towering pedestal of an
+ideal. Upon making this remark to JESSIE, however, she uttered the
+repartee that I was the silly noodle; though she is, I am sure,
+notwithstanding her attachment to gewgaws, not capable of descending
+personally to such light-fingered tactics.
+
+I was additionally bewildered by a chorus chanted by one of the Society
+Belles, which I took down _verbatim_, in the hope of a solution. It was
+as follows: "For I like a good liar, indeed I do! Provided he comes out
+with something new! But why did he tell me that story with whiskers on,
+why, why, why?"
+
+Now to me it is wholly incomprehensible that the female intelligence
+should admire mendacity in the opposite sex on the sole conditions that
+the said liar should present himself in some novel article of attire,
+and, previously to relating his untruth, remove from his cheeks any
+hirsute appendages. One of the boarders whom I consulted on the subject
+attempted to persuade me that it was the _story_ that had the whiskers;
+but it is nonsensical to suppose that a purely abstract affair like an
+untruth could be furnished with capillary growth, which belongs to the
+concrete department.
+
+There was a lady described as an "incomparable Comedienne," who was the
+victim of unexampled bad luck. For she had purchased a camera (which she
+exhibited to the assembly), and with this she had gone about
+photographing landscapes and other sceneries. But, lack-a-daisy! no
+sooner were they printed than the pictures were discovered to be
+irretrievably spoilt by objects in the foreground of such doubtful
+propriety that they were not exactly fit to place among her brick-backs,
+so she was compelled to keep them in a drawer among her knick-nacks!
+
+I should have liked her to inform us where such a faulty mechanism was
+procured, and why she did not exchange it for one of superior
+competency.
+
+She was succeeded on the stage by a little girl with a hoop, who bore a
+striking resemblance to her predecessor, and was probably her infantile
+daughter. This child was evidently of a greatly inquisitive disposition,
+and asked many questions of her progenitors which they were unable to
+answer, bidding her not to bother, and to go away and play.
+
+Then she asked a juvenile boy (who remained invisible), called "JOHNNY
+JONES," and informed us that "she knew now." But I was still in the
+total darkness as to the answers, which even JESSIE declared that she
+was "_Davus non Oedipus_," and not able to provide with the correct
+solutions.
+
+Upon the whole, I am of opinion that music-halls are more fertile in
+mental puzzlement and social problems, and more difficult of
+comprehension, than theatrical entertainments.
+
+This is, no doubt, why the spectators are allowed to consume liquors and
+sandwiches throughout the performance, since it is well known that the
+brain cannot carry on its _modus operandi_ with efficiency if the
+stomach is in the beggarly array of an empty box!
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An invitation to a
+    Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with what he thought of the
+    ceremony, and how he distinguished himself on the occasion._
+
+
+There is a certain English young fellow-student of mine--to wit and
+_videlicet_, HOWARD ALLBUTT-INNETT, Esquire, with whom I have succeeded
+in scratching an acquaintance at sundry Law Lectures, and in the Library
+of my Inn of Court--a most amiable tip-top young chap, who is "the
+moulded glass of fashionable form," and cap-in-hand with innumerable
+aristocratic nobs.
+
+Seeing that I had (at an earlier period) been a more diligent attendant
+and note-taker of lectures than himself, he did pay me the transcendent
+compliment of borrowing the loan of my note-book, which, to my grateful
+astonishment, he condescended to bring back personally to Porticobello
+House, saying that he had found my notes magnificent, and totally
+incomprehensible to his more limited intellect!
+
+In _additum_, he graciously accepted my invitation to ascend to the
+drawing-room, where I introduced him freely to several select lady
+boarders as my _alter ego_ and _Fidus Achates_.
+
+On taking his leave, he expressed some marvelling that I should have
+concealed my superior rank under the reticence of a napkin, having
+observed that I was addressed as "Prince" by more than one of the
+softer-sexed boarders.
+
+I replied that I attached no valid importance to the _nominis umbra_ of
+such a barren title, and that the contents of what there is nothing in
+must necessarily be naught.
+
+He answered me warmly that he entirely joined issue with me in such an
+opinion, and that he was often affected to sickishness by the snobbery
+of mundane society, adding that he hoped I would give him the look up at
+his paternal mansion in Prince's Square, Bayswater, shortly, since his
+people would be overjoyed at making my acquaintance, which both
+enraptured and surprised me, for hitherto he had ridden the high and
+rough-shoed horse, and employed me to suck my brains as a cat's foot.
+
+And odzookers! before many days I was the recipient of a silver-lettered
+missive, stating that Mr and Mrs LEOFRIC ALLBUTT-INNETT did request the
+honour of Prince JABBERJEE'S company at the marriage of their daughter,
+CLORINDA ISABEL, with Mr OVERTON WOODBEIGH-SMART, at a certain sacred
+Bayswater edifice.
+
+This I eagerly accepted, perceiving that my friend must have eulogised
+to his parents my legal accomplishments and forensic acumen.
+
+[Illustration: "THE SPECTATORS SALUTED ME WITH SHOUTS OF JOY AS THE
+RETURNED SHAHZADAR."]
+
+When I did, in all my best, obey, alighting at the church in my embossed
+cap, shawl neckcloth, a pair of yellow glove-kids, and patented Japan
+shoes, the spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned
+SHAHZADAR, which caused me to bow profusely, while the driver of the
+hansom petitioned an additional sixpence.
+
+The interior of the church was dim and crowded with feminines, and I
+could only hear flutters and rustlings, together with a subdued mumble
+at the remoter end--which I ascertained to be the ceremony. Then
+followed the long stop and awkward pause, accompanied on the organ, and
+at length all the company stood on seats and the tiptoe of expectation,
+as the bridal procession moved slowly down the central passage amidst
+the congratulations of their friends and nearest relations.
+
+Not being desirous to hide under a bushel, I did press myself forward,
+and addressing a lady whom I took to be the bride, I felicitated her
+loudly, wishing that she might never become a widow, or use vermilion on
+her grey head, and that she might wear the iron bangle, and get seven
+male children.
+
+Unhappily the serene ray of my goodwill was born to blush unseen in the
+dark unfathomed cave of a desert ear, for the actual recipient of my
+compliments was an unmarried spinster relative, who had already passed
+the years of discretion.
+
+Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT welcomed me with cordial effusiveness, insisting that
+I should honour them by visiting their residence, and critically
+inspecting the nuptial gifts, to which I consented.
+
+On my arrival, I held a lengthy colloquy with the happy bridegroom, from
+whom I was anxious to obtain particulars of English marriage customs,
+such as whether he would be required to spend the evening in having his
+ears pulled, and other facetious banterings by his mother-in-law and
+sisters-in-law, as in India.
+
+But he seemed oppressed by so severe a bashfulness that I could extract
+no information from him, and presently the father of the bride came up
+and conducted me into an apartment wherein was a kind of bazaar, or
+exhibition of clocks and lamps and stationery cases and knives and forks
+and other trinkets and gewgaws, none of which appeared to me at all
+different from similar objects in shop windows.
+
+However, the greatest admiration and wonderment were expressed by all
+who entered, and I found that the host was under grave apprehensiveness
+that the presents might be looted by the more unscrupulous of the
+guests, for he pointed out to me a sharp-eyed, shy gentleman in a
+corner, who, he informed me, was a disguised police-officer. This, at
+first, I was loth to believe, but was assured that it was a necessary
+precaution.
+
+Still, I will presume to point out that the simulation by a policeman of
+the ordinary character of a friend of the family and fellow-rejoicer, is
+a rather reprehensible trap to catch a sleeping weasel, since those
+whose honesty is not invariably above par may be lulled into the false
+security by his civilian get-up. And I did assure him, privately, that
+it was totally unnecessary to keep an eye on myself, who was a native
+University man with no necessity or natural taste for peculation, but
+that I would infallibly inform him if I should succeed at detecting any
+attempted dishonesty.
+
+Later I was ushered into the refreshment-room, and partook of a pink
+ice, with champagne-wine and strawberries, after which I entreated leave
+of Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT to deliver a nuptial oration. And she, overjoyed
+at my happy thought, did loudly request silence for Prince JABBERJEE,
+who was to utter a few very brief utterances.
+
+So as they became all ears, I addressed them, describing how, in my
+native country, at such a bridal feast and blow-out, it was customary
+for the bridegroom's mother to eat a sevenfold repast, for fear of a
+subsequently empty stomach; but the bride's mother, on the contrary,
+will touch nothing, feeling that the more she fasts then, the more
+provender will fall to her later on. And I facetiously added that, on
+the present occasion, I had the certainty that both the mothers might
+indulge their appetites _ad libitum_.
+
+Next I recounted how, during a former boyish wedding of my own, my
+wife's mother after, as was befitting, setting a conical tinselled cap
+upon my head, and placing ten rings of twigs upon my ten fingers, and
+binding my hands with a weaver's shuttle, did say, "I have bound thee,
+and bought thee with cowries, and put a shuttle between thy fingers; now
+bleat then like a lamb." Whereupon I, being of a jokish disposition,
+did, unexpectedly and contrary to usage, cry "Baa" loudly, causing my
+mother-in-law to fear that I was a dull--until that night in the Zenana
+she had the great happiness to overhear me outwitting all the females
+present by the sprightliness of my badinage.
+
+And I was proceeding, amidst vociferous cachinnation, to enumerate some
+of my most lively sallies, when the bride's father did take me by the
+arm, and drawing me aside, inform me that the young couple were just
+about to start for their wedding journey, and that I was urgently
+required to see them depart.
+
+I observed that here, as with us, it is _de regle_ to scatter rice upon
+the head of the bridegroom--but neither treacle nor spices. Moreover,
+this complimentary shower is extended to the bride and the
+carriage-horses, and hurled with athletic vigorousness, while it is a
+point of honour to knock off the coachman's hat with a female satin
+slipper.
+
+I was disappointed to see that both the happy pair had cast aside their
+gorgeous wedding garments, and put on quite ordinary and everyday
+attire, which, if not due to excessive parsimoniousness, must originate
+in a shamefaced desire to conceal their state of connubiality though it
+might be reasonably anticipated that they should rather be anxious to
+manifest their triumphant good-luck _pro bono publico_.
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour of his
+    betrothed. His doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding
+    Establishment, with some scathing remarks upon ambitious pretenders.
+    He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance._
+
+
+The pleasing impression produced by this humble self upon both Mister
+and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT at the wedding of their eldest daughter became
+speedily prolific of golden fruit in the request of the honour of my
+company for dinner at 8.15 P.M. on a subsequent evening.
+
+Incidentally recounting this prime compliment to my lovely JESSIMINA, I
+was astounded that she did not share my jubilations, but was, on the
+contrary, the sore subject at not being included in such invitation,
+which, as I explained, was totally irrational, seeing that the inviters
+remained unaware of her nude existence. She, however, maintained that I
+ought to have mentioned that I was an affianced, and have refused to sit
+at any banquet at which she was fobbed off with a cold shoulder. This
+again was absurd, since the moiety of a loaf is preferable to total
+deprivation of the staff of life, and moreover, in my country, it is
+customary for the husband-elect to take his meals apart from his bride
+that is to be; nor does she ever touch food until he has previously
+assuaged his pangs of hunger. Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified
+until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best English
+workmanship, as an olive-branch and calumet of peace.
+
+But, outside Porticobello House, I have been close as wax on the subject
+of my flowery chains, and it was especially inconceivable that I should
+inform my friend HOWARD of same, since he has frequently bantered me in
+wonderment that a respectable Oriental magnate should reside in such a
+very ordinary and third-rate boarding establishment, where it was an
+impossibility to gain any real familiarity with smart and refined
+English society.
+
+[Illustration: "SOME HAUGHTY MASCULINE MIGHT INSULT HER UNDER MY VERY
+NOSE."]
+
+And who knows that if I should introduce Miss JESSIE into company of a
+superior caste, some haughty masculine might insult her under my very
+nose; and lack-a-daisy! where would she find a protector?
+
+I am certainly oppressed by an increasing dubiety whether Mrs MANKLETOW
+is verily such an upper crustacean and _habituee_ of the _beau monde_ as
+she did represent herself to be. It is well-nigh incomprehensible that
+any individual should seek to appear of a higher social status than
+Nature has provided; but my youthful acquaintance, ALLBUTT-INNETT, Jun.,
+Esq., informs me that this is a common failing among the English
+classes, who fondly imagine that nothing is needed to render a frog the
+exact equivalent to an ox except an increased quantity of air,
+forgetting that if a frog is abnormally inflated, it is apt to provide
+the rather ludicrous catastrophe of exploding from excessive
+swellishness!
+
+However _revenons a nos moutons_--_id est_, the dinner party.
+
+I intended to be the early bird at Prince's Square, but, owing to a
+rarity among the hansom cabs, did not arrive until most of the guests
+were already assembled, being welcomed with effusive hospitality by the
+household god and goddess, Mr and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT, who begged leave
+to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends.
+
+Then--_pop_, and _a l'improviste_--the door was thrown open, and a
+butler announced _ore rotundo_, Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, whom, in the
+wink of an eye, I recognised as an ex-Justice of the very court in
+Calcutta in which my male progenitor practises as a mook-tear, or
+attorney, and who, moreover, was familiar with myself almost _ab ovo_,
+having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said
+father, with a request for his patronising opinion of my abilities, and
+the feasibility of my education at a London Inn of Court!
+
+Oh, my gracious! I was as if to sink through the carpet, and sought to
+draw in my horns of dilemma behind a column, when, to my uncontrollable
+dismay, my hostess led him towards me, with the remark that he was
+probably already acquainted in India with His Highness Prince JABBERJEE.
+
+The Hon'ble Retired Judge at this did merely smile indulgently,
+observing that India was a country of considerable extensiveness, and
+inquiring of me in my own tongue where my _raj_ was situated, and the
+strength of my army, though with a scintillation in his visual organs
+that told me he knew me perfectly well.
+
+And I, realising that honesty was my best policy of insurance from his
+displeasure, did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the Court,
+protesting volubly in native language that I was an industrious poor
+Bengali boy, and had always regarded him as my beloved father; that I
+was not to blame because certain foolish, ignorant persons imagined me
+to be some species of Rajah; and earnestly representing to him that our
+kind mutual hostess would be woefully distressed by any disclosures.
+"Let your Hon'ble Ludship," I said, "only remain hermetically sealed,
+and preserve this as a trade secret, and my sisters, sisters-in-law, and
+aunts shall always chant hymns on the Ganges for your Honour's
+felicities!"
+
+His Honour, laughing good-naturedly, did tell me that if I liked to
+assume the plumes of a daw, it was no affair of his, and kindly promised
+to respect my confidences--at which I was greatly relieved. Indeed,
+throughout the evening, nothing could exceed his affability, for, being
+seated on the other side of the hostess, opposite myself, he showed me
+the greatest honour and deference, frequently requesting my views on
+such subjects as Increased Representation of the People of India, the
+National Congress, and so forth; upon which, being now perfectly
+reassured and at my ease, I discoursed with facundity, and did loudly
+extol the intellectual capacity of the Bengalis, as evinced by
+marvellous success in passing most difficult exams., and denouncing it
+as a crying injustice and beastly shame that fullest political powers
+should not be conceded to them, and that they should not be eligible for
+all civil appointments _pari passu_, or even in priority to Englishmen.
+
+Wherein his Honour did warmly agree, assuring me with fatherly
+benignancy of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to
+be Head of a District somewhere on the Punjab frontier, and mentioning
+how a certain native Bengali gentleman of his acquaintance,
+Deputy-Commissioner GRISH CHUNDER DE, Esq., M.A., had distinguished
+himself splendidly (according to the printed testimony of Hon'ble
+KIPLING) in such a post of danger.
+
+I replied, that I was not passionately in love with personal danger, and
+that in my case _cedant arma togae_, and my tongue was mightier than my
+sword, but that there was no doubt that we Bengalis were intellectually
+competent to govern the whole country, provided only that we were backed
+up from behind by a large English military force to uphold our
+authority, as otherwise we should soon be the pretty pickles, owing to
+brutal violence from Sikhs, Rajputs, Marathas, and similar uncivilised
+coarse races.
+
+And Sir CHETWYND expressed his lively satisfaction that I appreciated
+some of the advantages of the British occupation.
+
+Thus, through my presence of mind in boldly grappling with the nettle, I
+turned what might have been a disaster into a conspicuous triumph, for
+all the company, seeing the favour I was in with such a big wig as
+Hon'ble CUMMERBUND, listened to me with spell-bound enchantment,
+especially my friend HOWARD'S sprightly young sister, a damsel of
+distinguished personal attractiveness, who was seated on my other side.
+Her birth-name is LOUISA-GWENDOLEN; but her family and intimates, so she
+did inform me, call her "WEE-WEE."
+
+Of the dinner itself I can speak highly, as being inexpressibly
+superior, both in stylishness of service and for the quality of the
+food, etc., to any meals hitherto furnished by Mrs MANKLETOW'S mahogany
+board. Nevertheless, I wondered to find the ALLBUTT-INNETTS behind the
+times in one respect, viz., the lighting, which was with old-fashioned
+candles and semi-obscured lamps, instead of the more modern and
+infinitely more brilliant illumination of gas! Here, at least, though in
+other particulars of very mediocre elegance, I must pronounce
+Porticobello House the more up to date.
+
+In taking leave, I did thank Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND profusely
+for so discreetly retaining its feline contents within the generous bag
+of his mouth, whereat he clapped my back very cordially, advising me to
+abstain for the future from a super-abundance of frills, since the
+character of a diligent legal native student was a precious lily that
+needed no princely gilding, and adding that he was indebted to me for a
+most entertaining and mirthful evening. This I do not understand, as I
+had not uttered any of the facetious puns and conceits wherewith it is
+my _wont_--when I _will_[1]--to set the table in a simper.
+
+But possibly I may have spoken rather humorously unawares, and it is
+proverbial that these exalted legal luminaries are pleased with a
+rattle and tickled by a straw.
+
+On my return I did omit to mention Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA; but, after
+all, _cui bono_?
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] This is a fairly sample specimen, though I have frequently surpassed
+it in waggish drollery.--_H. B. J._
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare._
+
+
+I have frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a eulogium
+concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of Hon'ble WILLIAM
+SHAKSPEARE. It has been remarked, with some correctness, that he did not
+exist for an age, but all the time; and though it is the open question
+whether he did not derive all his ideas from previous writers, and even
+whether he wrote so much as a single line of the plays which are
+attributed to his inspired nib, he is one of the institutions of the
+country, and it is the correct thing for every orthodox British subject
+to admire and understand him even when most incomprehensible.
+
+Consequently I did cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from
+my friend ALLBUTT-INNETT, Jun., Esq., on behalf of his parents, that I
+should accompany them on an excursion by rail to Stratford-upon-Avon,
+where the said poet had his domicile of origin.
+
+And so great was my enthusiasm that, during the journey, I declaimed,
+_ore rotundo_, certain select passages from his works which I had
+committed to memory during the salad days of my schoolboyishness, and
+with such effect that Miss WEE-WEE ALLBUTT-INNETT (who is excessively
+emotional) was compelled, at times, to veil her countenance in the
+recesses of a pocket-handkerchief.
+
+Having at length arrived at that hallowed and sacred spot, the very name
+of which sends a sweet and responsive thrill through every educated
+bosom, our first proceeding was to partake of a copious cold tiffin.
+
+This repast we ordered at an old-fashioned hostelry, whose doorway was
+decorated by a counterfeit presentment of the Bard, and I observed that
+similar effigies were placed above several of the shops as I walked
+along the streets. These images somewhat resemble those erected to
+Buddha in certain parts of India, being similarly bald, but
+terminating--not in crossed legs, but a cushion with tassels. However, I
+was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most
+ignorant inhabitants to do anything in the nature of poojah before these
+figures any longer, though probably usual enough before CROMWELL, with
+the iron sides, ordered all such baubles to be removed. In a hole of the
+upper wall of the Town Hall there is a life-size statuary of SHAKSPEARE,
+with legs complete, showing that he was not actually deficient in such
+extremities and a mere gifted Torso: and it is presumable that the
+reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is, that
+marble in these parts is too precious a commodity to be wasted on mere
+superfluities.
+
+We visited the church, and saw his tomb, and there again was the
+superior half of him occupied with writing verses on a cushion in a
+mural niche, supported by pillars. Upon a slab below is inscribed a
+verse requesting that his dust should not be digged, and cursing him who
+should interfere with his bones, but in so mediocre a style, and of such
+indifferent orthography, that it is considered by some to be a sort of
+spurious cryptogram composed by Hon'ble BACON.
+
+On such a _vexata quaestio_ I am not to give a decided opinion, though
+the verse, as a literary composition, is hardly up to the level of
+_Hamlet_, and it would perhaps have been preferable if the poet, instead
+of attempting an impromptu, had looked out some suitable quotation from
+his earlier works. For, when an author is occupied in shuffling off his
+mortal coil, it is unreasonable to expect him to produce poetry that is
+up to the mark.
+
+When I advanced this excuse aloud in the church, a party of Americans
+within hearing exclaimed, indignantly, that such irreverent levity was a
+scandal in a spot which was the Mecca of the entire civilised universe.
+
+Whereupon I did protest earnestly that I meant no irreverence, being
+_nulli secundus_ in respect for the _Genius Loci_, only, as a critic of
+English Literature, I could not help regretting that a poet gifted with
+every requisite for producing a satisfactory epitaph had produced a
+doggerel which was undeniably below his usual par.
+
+This rendered them of an increased ferocity, until Mr ALLBUTT-INNETT
+good naturedly took them into a corner and whispered that I was a very
+wealthy young Indian Prince, of great scholastic attainments, but
+oppressed by an uncontrollable _naivete_, after which they all came and
+shook me by the hand, saying they were very proud to have met me.
+
+[Illustration: "IT WAS HERE," I SAID, REVERENTLY, "THAT THE SWAN OF AVON
+WAS HATCHED!"]
+
+Afterwards we proceeded to the Birthplace, where a very gentlewomanly
+female exhibited the apartment in which the Infant Bard first saw the
+light. Alack! there was but little light to behold, being a shockingly
+low and dingy room, meagrely furnished with two chairs and a table, on
+which was another of the busts. As I came in, I uttered a remark which I
+had prepared for the occasion. "It was here," I said, reverently, "here
+that the Swan of Avon was hatched!" At which Miss WEE-WEE was again
+overcome by emotion.
+
+The room was greatly in the necessity of whitewash, being black with
+smoke and signatures in lead pencil. Even the window-panes were
+scratched all over by diamonds, on seeing which, and being also the
+possessor of a diamond and gold ring, I was about to inscribe my own
+name, but was prevented by the lady custodian.
+
+I indignantly and eloquently protested that if Hon'ble Sirs, WALTER
+SCOTT, Lord BYRON, ISAAC WALTON, WASHINGTON IRVING and Co. were
+permitted to deface the glass thus, surely I, who was a graduate of
+Calcutta University, and a valuable contributor to London _Punch_, was
+equally entitled, since what was sauce for a goose was sauce for a
+gander, and Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT urged that I was a distinguished
+Shakspearian student and Indian prince, but the custodian responded that
+she couldn't help that, for it was _ultra vires_, nevertheless.
+
+However, while she was engaged in pointing out the spot where somebody's
+signature had been before it was peeled away, I, snatching the
+opportunity behind her back, did triumphantly inscribe my autograph on
+the bust's nose.
+
+In the back-room they showed us where SHAKSPEARE'S father stapled his
+wool, which caused Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT to remark that she had always
+understood that the poet was of quite humble origin, and that, for her
+part, she thought it was all the more creditable to him to have done
+what he did do.
+
+We also inspected the Museum, and were shown SHAKSPEARE'S jug, a rather
+ordinary concern; the identical dial which one of the clowns in his
+plays drew out of a poke, and a ring with W. S. engraved on it, found
+in the churchyard some years ago, and, no doubt, dropped there by the
+poet himself, while absorbed in the composition of his famous and
+world-renowned elegy.
+
+There were several portraits of him also, all utterly unlike one
+another, or only agreeing in one respect, namely, their total
+dissimilarity from the bust.
+
+We likewise saw the very desk SHAKSPEARE used, after creeping
+unwillingly to school with a shining face like a snail's. I was pained
+to see evidence of the mischievousness of the juvenile genius, for it
+was slashed and hacked to such a doleful degree as to be totally
+incapacitated for scholastic use!
+
+I myself was sprightly in my youth, but never, I am proud to say, to the
+extent of wilfully damaging my master's furniture! Before leaving, we
+walked to visit the residence of SHAKSPEARE'S wife, which turned out to
+be a very humble thatched-roof affair, such as is commonly occupied by
+peasants.
+
+But, as Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT said, it is a sad fact that distinguished
+literary characters often make most imprudent marriages. Which put me in
+a wonderment whether she had heard anything about myself and Miss
+MANKLETOW.
+
+At one of the bazaars I purchased a beautiful Shakspearian souvenir, in
+the form of a coloured porcelain model of SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace,
+which can be rendered transparent and luminous by the insertion of a
+night-light.
+
+This I had intended humbly to offer for the gracious acceptance of Miss
+WEE-WEE, but having thrust it into a coat-tail pocket, I unfortunately
+sat upon it in the train as we were returning.
+
+So I presented it as a token of remembrance to JESSIMINA, who was
+transported with delight at the gift, which she said could be easily
+rendered the _statu quo_ by dint of a little diamond cement.
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+_Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, with the
+    explanation of such apparent indiscretion._
+
+
+Since writing my latest contribution I have folded up my tent like an
+Arab, and silently stolen away from Porticobello House, this independent
+hook being taken under the ostensible and colourable pretext of a
+medical opinion that the climate of Bayswater was operating injuriously
+upon my internal arrangements, but the real _causa causans_ and _dessous
+des cartes_ being a growing disinclination for the society of select
+male and female boarders.
+
+Miss JESSIMINA was naturally bathed in tears at the announcement of my
+approaching departure, although I fondly sought to console her by
+assurances that my residence in Highbury, Islington, though beyond the
+radius and of inaccessible remoteness from Ladbroke Grove, should not
+obliterate her brilliant image from the cracked looking-glass of my
+heart, and that I would write to her with weekly regularity, and revisit
+the glimpses of her moony presence at the first convenient opportunity.
+
+I do correspond with effusiveness and punctuality through the obliging
+medium of a young intimate Indian acquaintance of mine, who does
+actually reside at Highbury, and has kindly undertaken to forward my
+_billets doux_.
+
+This stratagem is necessitated by the circumstance that (as a matter of
+fact) I am dwelling under a rose at Hereford Road, Westbourne Grove,
+which is in convenient proximity to Prince's Square and the stately home
+of the ALLBUTT-INNETT family, with whom I am now promoted to become the
+tame cat.
+
+[Illustration: _"UNACCUSTOMED TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED GENTLEMEN."_
+(frontispiece)]
+
+In Hereford Road I occupy garishly genteel first-floor front and back
+apartments at rupees fifteen per week and the Lady of the Land has
+entreated me to kindly excuse the waiting-maid for jumping with
+diffidence whenever I pop upon her unpremeditatedly on the stairs, being
+a nervous girl and unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen--though
+her own countenance, from superabundance of blacking and smuts, being of
+a far superior nigritude, it is I myself who should be more justified in
+jumping.
+
+However, she is already becoming the _habituee_, and seldom drops the
+crockery-ware now--except when I simper with too beaming a
+condescension.
+
+Certain of my readers will perhaps hold up the hands of amazement at my
+imprudence in disclosing my whereabouts, and other private concerns, in
+the publicity of a popular periodical--but there is method in such
+madness; they do not take in _Punch_ at Porticobello House, considering
+that one penny (or even the moiety of that sum) is more correct value
+for funny and comical illustrated journalism, while the ALLBUTT-INNETTS,
+although they see _Punch_ weekly do not peruse the literary contents,
+especially in the season, when, as Mrs A.-I. frequently remarks, they
+are in such a constant whirl of social dissipation that they have
+absolutely no time for serious reading.
+
+At first I was severely mortified that--so far as my acquaintances were
+concerned--these tittlings and jottings should be thus written with
+water, but I have since made the discovery that my cloud of
+disappointment is internally lined with precious silver.
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses._
+
+
+Since shaking the dust off my feet at Porticobello House, I have not
+succeeded to pluck the courage for a personal interview with Miss
+JESSIMINA, and my correspondence, duly forwarded per Mr BHOOBONE LALL
+JALPANYBHOY, of Highbury, has consisted mainly of abject excuses for
+non-attendance on plea of over-study for Bar Exam, and total incapacity
+to journey due to excessive disorderliness in stomach department.
+
+This, unhappily, at length inspired her with the harrowing dread that I
+was on the point of being launched into the throes of eternity, if not
+already as dead as Death's door-nail, and so, with feminine want of
+reflection, she performed a hurried pilgrimage to Highbury.
+
+Now, whether on account of the beetleheadedness of a domestic, or Baboo
+JALPANYBHOY'S incompetency in the art of equivocation, I am not to
+say--but the sequel of her inquiries was the unshakable conviction that
+I had not struck root in the habitation from which my letters were
+ostensibly addressed.
+
+And in a subsequently forwarded letter she did reproach me pathetically
+with my duplicity, and accused me of being a fickle--by which I was so
+unspeakably cut up that I abstained from the condescension of a
+rejoinder.
+
+Next I became the involuntary recipient of another letter in more
+intemperate style, menacing me that with a hook or a crook, she would
+dislodge me from the loophole in which I was snugly established, and
+that several able-bodied boarders were the hue of a full cry in pursuit.
+
+Since Hereford Road is in dangerous proximity to Ladbroke Grove, I was
+sitting tight in my apartments on receipt of this grave intelligence,
+with funk in my heart, and the Unknown hovering above me, when my young
+friend HOWARD ALLBUTT-INNETT, Esq., arrived with his bicycle, like a god
+on a machine, and perceiving the viridity of my countenance, inquired
+sympathetically what was up.
+
+At first, being mindful of the excessive liveliness with which he had
+bantered my residence in a boarding-house of such mediocre pretensions,
+I was naturally disinclined to reveal that I was in the plight of troth
+with the proprietress's daughter; but eventually I overcame my coyness,
+and uncovered the pretty kettle of fish of my _infandum dolorem_, and my
+ardent longing to hit upon some plan to extricate myself from the
+suffocating coils of such a Laocoon.
+
+"My dear old chap," he said kindly, after I had unfolded the last link
+of my tale of woe, "I will put you up in a dodge that will perform the
+trick. Don't see the young woman, or she will get round you with half a
+jiffy. Write to her that you are not worthy of a rap, and no more a
+Prince than I am!"
+
+Hearing his last words, I started, and did, like the ghost of _Hamlet_,
+Senior, "jump at this dead hour," being convinced that young HOWARD had
+found out (perhaps from Hon'ble CUMMERBUND) that my title was a bogus,
+and anticipating that, if he divulged the skeleton of my bare cupboard
+to his highly genteel parents, I should infallibly experience the
+crushing mortification of a chuck out.
+
+However, I hid the fox that was nibbling my vitals by inquiring, in a
+rather natural accent, what he meant by such a suggestion.
+
+"Are you such an innocent, simple old Johnny, Prince," he said, with
+reassuring _bonhomie_, "as not to catch the idea? Do you not know that
+European feminines in all ranks of society--alack, even in our own!--are
+immoderately attracted by anyone possessed of riches and a title--or of
+either of the two? As an _au fait_ in the female temperament, I shall
+wager that it is nine out of ten that if you spoof this mercenary young
+minx into believing that you are merely a native impecunious nonentity,
+and not to be shot at with powder, she will instantaneously drop
+pursuing such a hot potato."
+
+To this speech (reported _verbatim_ to best of my ability) I did shake
+my head sorrowfully, and reply that I greatly feared that JESSIMINA'S
+devotion to this unlucky self was too severe to be diverted, or even
+checked, like a cow that is infuriated or _non compos mentis_, by the
+mere relinquishment of such tinsel and gewgaw wraps as a title or
+worldly belongings, having frequently (and that, too, _prior_ to our
+engagement) protested her preference for very dark-complexioned
+individuals, and her vehement curiosity to behold India.
+
+[Illustration: "ASCENDED HIS BICYCLE WITH A WAGGISH WINKLE IN HIS EYE."]
+
+But he, as he ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye,
+repeated that I might try it on at all events.
+
+Still, I could not induce myself to adopt his spoofish strategy, for I
+reflected that, though it might convince her that I was unmarriageable,
+it would only increase her fury and the vengeance of her champion
+boarders. So at length I composed a moving epistle, as follows:--
+
+      INCOMPARABLE--THOUGH LACK-A-DAISY!
+           INACCESSIBLE--JESSIMINA!
+
+Poet SHAKSPEARE has shrewdly observed that "a true lover never did run a
+straight course," and the sincerity of present writer's affection is
+incontestably proved by his apparent crookedness of running, and keeping
+dark outside the illuminating rays of thy moon-like countenance. The
+cause is the unforeseen cataclysm of a decree from my family astrologer
+or _dowyboghee_, whom I have anxiously consulted upon our joint
+matrimonial prospects. [MEM. TO THE READERS.--_This was what young
+~HOWARD~ would term "~the bit of spoof~." I am no ninny-hammer to
+consult an exploded astrologer!_] _Miserabile dictu!_ the venerable and
+senile pundit reports that such an alliance would infallibly plunge us
+into the peck of troubles, since the sign of your natal month is the
+meek and innocent Lamb--while mine is the more ferocious Lion!
+
+A very slight familiarity with Natural History, &c., will show you the
+utter incompatibility of temper between such an uncongenial couple of
+animals, and the correctness of said astrologer's prediction that it
+must infallibly be the Lamb who would be whiphanded in the unequal
+conflict.
+
+In consequence, though I am beating the floor with my head as I write,
+and moistening the carpet with the copiousness of my lachrymations, I
+must bid you the final and irrevocable adieu and _au revoir_, since I am
+unwilling to act as a selfish. Think of me as "a prince out of thy
+star," to quote the reference of SHAKSPEARE'S character, _Polonius_, to
+_Hamlet_, under precisely similar circumstances. You will please forget
+me _instanter_, and accept this as my last solemn so-long, which I utter
+on the threshold of preparation for the stern and dreaded ordeal of Bar
+Exam. In frantic haste,
+
+Your ever faithful and broken-hearted Baboo,
+
+      HURRY.
+
+P.S.--_No answer required._
+
+But after an interval of a very few posts, in spite of my strict
+injunctions to contrary, I got the answer that she was deeply moved by
+my self-sacrifice, and had never loved me more. Having been brought up
+in a Christian disbelief of all astronomy, she was not in fear of my
+"doweybogey" or any other native bogies, and nothing should part us, if
+she could help it. She added, that I had been seen about Westbourne
+Grove recently.
+
+On receipt of this touching and beautiful communication I was again in
+the stampede of panic, and realised that I must have immediate resort to
+some stronger description of "Spoof."
+
+It is calamitous that I cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single
+exception of my young friend HOWARD'S dodge, which I fear will prove too
+filamentous.
+
+However, a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady!
+
+
+
+
+XIX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and
+    sympathetic reception._
+
+
+In my last I had the honour to report the total non-success of my
+endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological objections, and
+how I was consequentially up the tree of embarrassment.
+
+I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have
+confessed to Miss MANKLETOW in a well-expressed curt letter that I am
+only the possessor of a courtesy title, and, so far from rolling on the
+rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon
+parental remittances for pin-money.
+
+For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her politely to
+my benevolent friend and patron, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, Nevern Square,
+South Kensington; to whom I simultaneously wrote a private and
+confidential note, instructing him that if any young female person was
+to inquire particulars of my birth, origin, &c., he was to tell the
+truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making it
+clear that I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy
+lucre.
+
+The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident hopes
+that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by my friend, young
+HOWARD, will accomplish the job, and procure me the happy release.
+
+I am now to pass to a different subject--to wit, a visit I paid some
+time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in
+conversation with the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, I had boasted freely of the
+credit I was in with certain high grade India Official nobs, who could
+refuse me nothing.
+
+Which was hitherto the positive fact, since I had never requested any
+favour at their hands.
+
+But Mrs ALLBUTT-INNETT stated that she had heard that the
+reception-soirees at said India Office were extremely enjoyable and
+classy, and inquired whether I possessed sufficient influence to obtain
+for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments.
+
+Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, and
+would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the
+senior clerks who regarded me as his brother.
+
+So, after procuring a _Whitaker Almanack_, and hunting up the name of
+one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I
+found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and
+inquired my business, and upon my statement that I desired to see Mr
+BREAKWATER, Esq., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a
+marble staircase, at the top of which was a second attendant, also
+engaged in brown study--for the attendants appear to be laudably
+addicted to the cultivation of their minds.
+
+He informed me that I should find Mr BREAKWATER'S room down a certain
+corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a clerk who was hurrying
+along with his hands full of documents, and represented that I had come
+for an immediate interview with Mr BREAKWATER on highly important
+matters.
+
+He demanded incredulously whether Mr BREAKWATER expected me.
+
+This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I was the bosom
+friend of said Mr B., who would be overjoyed to receive me, and,
+following him into a room, I peremptorily demanded that he should inform
+his master without fail that Baboo JABBERJEE was there.
+
+Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell
+and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting-room.
+
+There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English
+and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden nob of my
+umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying,
+that Mr BREAKWATER could see me now, and presently showed me into the
+aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker
+baskets containing dockets and memoranda, _et hoc genus omne_, sat the
+very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling!
+
+Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but I am now
+sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary
+is a frank and breezy apology.
+
+So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, "I am awfully sorry that I
+took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow; but remember
+the proverb, that 'appearances are deceitful,' and do not reveal a thin
+skin about a rather natural mistake."
+
+Mr BREAKWATER courteously entreated me not to mention the affair, but to
+state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native
+Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pass Bar Exam,
+and my intimate connection with the distinguished Bayswater family of
+the ALLBUTT-INNETTS, who were consumed with longing for free tickets to
+an official _soiree_. I then described the transcendent charms of Miss
+WEE-WEE, and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by
+procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed
+out that, as an official in the India Office, he was _in loco parentis_
+to myself, and bound to indulge all my reasonable requests, and I
+assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entire
+ALLBUTT-INNETT family, self included, would ever pray on the crooked
+hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare.
+
+He heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was not in his
+power to oblige me.
+
+"You are not to suppose," I said, "that I am a native TOM-DICK or HARRY.
+I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and candidate for call to Bar. _In
+additum_, I am the literary celebrity, being especially retained to jot
+and tittle for the periodical of _Punch_."
+
+Mr BREAKWATER assured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many
+distinguished claims, but that he was under an impossibility of granting
+my petition for an invite to the annual summer _soiree_, owing to the
+fact that aforesaid festivity was already the _fait accompli_.
+
+"How is that?" I exclaimed. "Have I not read in the daily press of a
+grand _durbar_ to be given shortly in honour of Hon'ble HUNG CHANG?"
+
+"But that is at the Foreign Office," he objected; "we have no connection
+with such a concern."
+
+[Illustration: "PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"]
+
+"The Foreign Office would be better than nullity," I said. "I will tell
+you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign
+Office. You can state that you have known me intimately for a long
+time, and that I am deserving of patronage. Hint, for instance, that it
+is impolitic to show favouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese)
+rather than another, and that you will regard any kindness done to me as
+the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"
+
+He, however, protested that any recommendation from him would be a
+_brutum fulmen_.
+
+"You are too modest, honoured Sir!" I told him, seeing that flattery was
+requisite; "but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and
+virtues are esteemed, and I can assure you that you are not so
+contemptible a nonentity as you imagine. Listen to me; I am now to go to
+the Foreign Office, and shall there assume the liberty of mentioning
+your distinguished name as a referee."
+
+With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I
+liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart
+immediately.
+
+Seeing him so well-disposed, I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his
+shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, "It is all right, old
+boy. Remember, I have complete _bona fides_ in your ability to work the
+oracle for me successfully." Which rendered him _sotto voce_ with
+gratification.
+
+But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting
+like Patience on a Monument for two immortal hours, I was officially
+informed that the Principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was
+not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally
+invisible.
+
+This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to
+conduct a first-class Empire!
+
+
+
+
+XX
+
+_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less
+    successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious
+    epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results._
+
+
+I am happy to announce that I have passed the _pons asinorum_ of Bar
+Exam with facility of a needle penetrating the camel's eye. _Tant
+mieux!_ Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!!
+
+[Illustration: "HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"]
+
+My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to fact
+that I have only recently received official information of my triumph,
+which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with paeans of
+transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English brass band, and
+delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel.
+
+And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lincoln's Inn Hall
+one Monday shortly before 10 A.M., and received pens, some foolscaps,
+and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and
+Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat
+my head with despair!
+
+So much so that I began my answers by pathetically imploring my
+indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compassion, on ground
+that I was an unfortunate Bengalee chap, afflicted by narrow
+circumstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity
+depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks.
+
+However, on perusal of the paper, I found that, owing to diligent cram
+and native aptitude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it
+upon my _caput_, being at home with every description of mortgage, and
+having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the
+extremities of my finger-ends.
+
+In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering
+nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of
+composition, quoting freely from Hon'ble SNELL and UNDERHILL to back my
+opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding
+that I was required by the paper to "discuss" a certain statement, I
+left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a
+logomachy. And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a
+question in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of
+making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the
+impossible.
+
+The ordeal endured for four days. In the Roman Law department, I was
+on the spot with _Stillicidium_ and similar servitudes, and in Criminal
+Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal
+problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I
+stated in a _postscriptum_, not being the practical cyclist, I could not
+be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that
+it was somewhat _infra dig._ for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council
+of Legal Education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but
+flimsy mechanisms.
+
+When called up for _viva voce_ purposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by
+the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that,
+after asking one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction,
+and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the
+oracle in my favour.
+
+And so I arrived at the pretty Pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet.
+But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct of every pot
+of ointment, and while I was still jumping for joy at having passed the
+steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from Miss JESSIMINA
+which constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose!
+
+It appeared that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon
+Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND, who had duly informed her that I was not the
+genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Croesus with
+unlimited cash.
+
+Here, if Hon'ble CUMMERBUND had stopped, or represented me as a
+worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well; but most
+unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of
+respectable, well-to-do parentage, and very industrious young chap with
+first-class abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native
+Bar.
+
+JESSIMINA wrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be
+attracted by mere rank, and that it was enough for her that I was in the
+position to maintain her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to
+my promise of marriage, and if I still declined to perform, she would be
+reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer.
+
+On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter
+failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly
+inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up my
+_penna_, inscribed the following epistle:
+
+      MAGNANIMOUS AND EVER ADORABLE JESSIMINA!
+
+I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable
+desire to become the bride of such a man of straw as this undeserving
+self, and will no longer offer any factious opposition to your wishes.
+
+But in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have
+omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hymeneal altar, you
+will not be alone in your glory. As a Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of
+my country, entitled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to
+natural timidity and economical reasons, I have not hitherto availed
+myself of said privilege.
+
+However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family
+pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight,
+and, though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being
+celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant
+marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair.
+
+What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally
+indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a _sateen_ or
+rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially
+under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and
+sisters-in-law of mine of rather nagging idiosyncracies. But ignorance
+of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering and
+ill-natured tone of their remarks.
+
+I can only say that I am quite ready (if you insist upon it) to fulfil
+my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which
+Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. Mr
+CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, of 15 Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my
+first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application.
+
+Ever yours faithfully and devotedly,
+
+      H. B. J.
+
+In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a strong prejudice
+in the mind of European feminines in favour of monogamy, and my letter
+(as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed
+so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to
+hers.
+
+So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply
+that she was astounded with wonderment at the sublimity of my cheek in
+supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife,
+and that she had communicated with CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, Esq., and if my
+statement _re_ infant marriage (which at present she suspected to be a
+mere spoof) proved correct, she would certainly decline my insulting
+offer.
+
+Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile,
+I shall save my brush from this near shave--provided that Mr
+CHUCKERBUTTY RAM has received my tip in time and does not, like Hon'ble
+CUMMERBUND, go beyond his instructions.
+
+But this is not reasonably probable, Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM being a
+tolerably discreet, subtle chap.
+
+
+
+
+XXI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._
+
+
+Being (to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I
+naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most
+superficial observer, and with the half of a naked optic, could easily
+discern the immeasurable superiority of Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA in all
+the refinements and delicacies of a real English lady, and although, up
+to present date, the timidity of girlishness has restrained Miss
+ALLBUTT-INNETT from reciprocating my increasing spooniness, her parents
+and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention
+their ardent hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some
+time this autumn.
+
+So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret
+chamber of my heart.
+
+For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the snobbishness of chasing a
+tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their
+affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the
+revelation that he is merely a member of nature's nobility. Rather the
+contrary.
+
+As Poet BURNS remarks with great truthfulness, "_Rank is but a penny
+stamp and a Man is a Man and all that._" Nevertheless, for the present,
+I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse.
+
+Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privileged on a
+recent evening to escort the ALLBUTT-INNETT ladies to the Empire of
+India Exhibition, upon which I shall now pronounce the opinion of an
+expert, though space forbids me to describe its multitudinous marvels,
+save with the brevity of a soul of wit.
+
+In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly pious _Yogi_ from Ceylon,
+who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs
+embracing his neck, or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes
+inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of
+prayer-making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary
+attitudes, especially when exhibited publicly for an _honorarium_.
+
+I feel proud to narrate that, at Miss WEE-WEE'S urgent entreaties, I
+subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the
+Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but
+a house of cards, or suddenly become totally immobile--though to pass
+interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion
+might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine
+compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without
+having hitched anywhere, and I did most firmly decline to fly in the
+face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive
+balloon.
+
+The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very
+inadequate idea of the principal Calcutta thoroughfares; moreover, to
+cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over
+native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance
+seems a little ludicrous!
+
+After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the
+Empress Theatre, and Miss WEE-WEE made the criticism that the fall of
+Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called
+defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death
+immediately the army of Sultan MAHMUD galloped their horses through the
+gateway.
+
+But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their
+discretion.
+
+It seems--though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in
+previous ignorance of the fact--that Sultan MAHMUD, the Great Mogul
+AKBAR, and SIVAJI, the Mahratta Chief, were each taken in tow and
+personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named
+Love, Mercy and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing of consequence
+was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls.
+
+As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise, I shall confess to
+some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military
+masculines--the more highly educated civilian class of Baboos being left
+out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in
+which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with
+terpsichorean energy, and manoeuvring in companies and circles with
+members of the softer sex. As a philosophical conception of disembodied
+existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good
+enough for ordinary fighting chaps!
+
+I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, greatly owing to the
+condescension of Miss WEE-WEE, who exhibited such entertainment at my
+comments that I left under the confident persuasion that I was
+infallibly to be the favoured swain.
+
+On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter from JESSIMINA,
+beseeching me, for the sake of "Old Langsyne," to meet her on the
+following evening at Westbourne Park Station, and mentioning that
+certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only
+desirous for an amicable arrangement.
+
+Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an
+encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I
+wrote at once accepting the _rendezvous_.
+
+When I duly turned up, lo and behold! I found she was escorted, not
+only by her eagle-eyed mother (JESSIMINA herself inherits, in _Hamlet's_
+immortal phraseology, "an eye like Ma's, to threaten or command"), but
+also by a juvenile individual with a black neck-tie and Hebrew profile,
+whom she formerly introduced to me as Mr SOLOMONS.
+
+Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine
+fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having obtained
+such an excellent substitute for my worthless self, and to wish the
+happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not
+a _fiance_, but merely a sort of friend, and Mrs MANKLETOW severely
+added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my
+legal contract.
+
+Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same
+to best ability, but that, my offer having been declined with
+contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end.
+
+Here JESSIMINA said that she had of course refused to marry a man who
+declared that he was already the owner of a dusky spouse, but that, on
+inquiries from Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, she had made the discovery that my
+said infant wife had popped off with some juvenile complaint or other
+three or four years ago.
+
+At this I was rendered completely flabaghast--for, although the
+allegation was undeniably correct, I had confidently hoped that my
+friend RAM was unaware of the fact, or would at least have the
+ordinary mother-wit to refrain from blurting it out! "_Et tu, Brute!_"
+But I must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very
+fat-witted sort of fellows.
+
+_Que faire?_--except to explain that my melancholy bereavement must have
+entirely slipped off my memory, and that in any case it had no logical
+connection with the matter in hand.
+
+Then Mrs MANKLETOW inquired, would I, or would I not, marry her illused
+child? and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer.
+
+I replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire, and I was
+prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of--_Not on any
+account._
+
+Whereupon Mr SOLOMONS stepped forward and politely handed me a folded
+paper, and, observing that he thought there was no need to protract the
+interview, he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies, leaving
+myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official
+document into my baffled and bewildered nob.
+
+[Illustration: "A ROYAL COMMAND FROM THE QUEEN-EMPRESS."]
+
+Eventually, I gathered that it was a Royal command from the
+Queen-Empress, backed by the Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain, that
+I was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit of JEMIMA
+MANKLETOW for a claim of damages for having breached my promise to
+marry!
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+No matter! Pugh! Fiddle-de-dee! Never mind! Who cares?
+
+Having successfully passed Exam, and been called to the Bar, I am now an
+_amicus curiae_, and the friend in Court.
+
+I shall enter my appearance in the forensic costume of wig and gown.
+
+What will be the price of the plaintiff's pleadings _then_, Madams?
+
+
+
+
+XXII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor--with certain
+    reservations._
+
+
+I concluded my foregoing instalment, narrating my service of a writ for
+breaching a promise of marriage, with a spirited outburst of
+_insouciance_ and devilmaycarefulness.
+
+But such courage of a Dutch evaporated deplorably on closer perusal of
+the said writ, which contained the peremptory mandate that I was to
+enter my appearance within the incredibly short notice of eight days, or
+the judgment would be given in my absence!
+
+Now it was totally out of the question that I was to prepare a long
+complicated defence, and have the requisite witnesses, and also perfect
+myself in the customs and etiquettes of Common Law Procedure, all in
+such a ridiculously brief period; and yet, if I remained _perdu_ with a
+hidden head, I could not hope for even the minimum of justice, since,
+heigh-ho! _les absents ont toujours tort_. So that I shed blistering and
+scalding tears like a spanked child, to find myself confronting such a
+devil of a deep sea, and my day was dismal and my night a nonentity,
+until, by a great piece of potluck, on going up the next morning to the
+library of my Inn, I espied my young friend HOWARD in the compound,
+busily employed in a lawn tennis game.
+
+Having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic
+and receptive bosom, I decided to confide to him my hard case in its
+entirety, and so made him a secret sign that I desired some private
+confabulations at his earliest conveniency, which he observing, after
+the termination of the match, came towards the remote bench whereon I
+was forlornly moping, and sat down kindly by my side.
+
+This young ALLBUTT-INNETT, I am to mention here, had only just missed
+succeeding in the passing of Bar Exam owing to the inveterate malignancy
+of his stars and lack of a more industrial temperament; but from the
+coolness of his cheek, and complete man-of-the-worldliness, is a most
+judicious and tip-top adviser to friends in tight places.
+
+_Experto crede_, for, when he had heard the latest particulars of my
+shocking _imbroglio_, he promptly gave me the excellent advice that I
+was to consult a solicitor; strongly recommending a Mr SIDNEY SMARTLE,
+who was a former schoolmate of his own, and a good thundering chap, and
+who (he thought) was not so overburdened as yet by legal business that
+he could not find time for working the oracle on my behalf.
+
+"And look here, JAB," he added (he has sometimes the extreme
+condescension to address me as an abbreviation), "I'll trot you up to
+him at once--and I say, A 1 idea! tell him you mean to be your own
+counsel, and do all the speechifying yourself. Native prince, in
+brand-new wig and gown, defending himself single-handed from wiles of
+artful adventuress--why, you'll knock the jury as if with old boots!"
+
+"Alack," said I, sorrowfully; "though I am quite competent to become the
+stump orator at shortest notice, I do not see how I can enter my first
+appearance until I have carefully instructed Misters RAM and JALPANYBHOY
+in the evidence they are to give and leave untold, &c., and a week is
+too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations!"
+
+"Nonsense and stuff!" he replies, "you will have a lot more than that,
+since the week only applies to entering an appearance--which is a mere
+farcical formality that old SID can perform in your place on his head."
+At which I was greatly relieved.
+
+But on arrival at Mr SMARTLE'S office in Chancery Lane, we were
+disappointed to be informed, by a small, juvenile clerk, that he was
+absent at Wimbledon on urgent professional affairs, and his return was
+the unknown quantity. However, after waiting till close upon the hour of
+tiffin, he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of knickerbockers, carrying
+a long, narrow bag full of metal-headed rods, and although rather
+adolescent than senile in physical appearance I was vastly impressed by
+the offhanded cocksurety of his manner.
+
+My friend HOWARD introduced me, and exhibited my doleful predicament in
+the shell of a nut, whereupon Mr SMARTLE jauntily pronounced it to be
+the common garden breach of promise, but that we had better all repair
+to the First Avenue Hotel and lunch, and talk the affair over
+afterwards.
+
+Which we did in the smoking-room after lunch, with coffee, liqueurs, and
+cigars, &c., for which I had to pay, as a Tommy Dod, and the odd man out
+of pocket.
+
+Mr SMARTLE, after listening attentively to my narrative, said that I
+certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the deuced cavity of a
+hole by so publicly proclaiming my engagement, but that my status as an
+oriental foreigner, and the fact I had asserted--viz., that my promise
+was extorted from me by compulsion and sheer physical funkiness--might
+pull me through, unless the plaintiff were of superlative loveliness
+(which, fortunately, is by no means the case).
+
+He added, that we had better engage WITHERINGTON, Q.C., as he was
+notoriously the crossest examiner at the Common Bar.
+
+But to this I opposed the _sine qua non_ that I am to have the sole
+control of my case in court, and reap the undivided _kudos_, assuring
+him that I should be able to cross-examine all witnesses until they
+could not stand on one leg. From some private motives of his own, he
+sought to overcome my determination, hinting that, as my calling and
+election to the Bar were not yet an ancient history, I might not possess
+sufficient experience; and moreover that, by appearing in barristerial
+garbage, I should infallibly forfeit the indulgence shown by a judge to
+ordinary litigants; to which I responded by pointing out that I was a
+typical Indian in the matter of legal subtlety and ready-made wit, and
+that, if not capable of conducting my _own_ case, how, then, could I be
+fit to undertake a logomachy for any third parties? finally, that it is
+proverbially unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally proficient
+in the practice of barking yourself.
+
+Whereupon, silenced by my _a fortiori_ and _reductio ad absurdum_, he
+gave way, saying that it was my own affair, and, anyhow, there would be
+plenty of time to consider such a matter, since the plaintiff might not
+choose to do anything further till after the Long Vacation, and we could
+easily postpone the hearing of the action until the Midsummer of next
+year.
+
+I, however, earnestly protested that I did not wish so procrastinated a
+delay, as I desired to make my forensic _debut_ at the earliest possible
+moment, and urged him to leave no stone unturned to get the job finished
+by November at least, suggesting that if we could ascertain the name
+and address of the judge who was to try the case, I might call upon him,
+and, in a private and confidential interview, ascertain the extent of
+his disposition in my favour, and the length of his foot.
+
+To which Mr SMARTLE replied that he could not recommend any such
+tactics, as I should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the judicial
+foot in a literal and painful manner.
+
+Now I must conclude with a livelier piece of intelligence: I am now in
+receipt of the wished-for invitation to visit the ALLBUTT-INNETT family
+at the elegant mansion (or--to speak Scottishly--"manse") they have
+hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of Ayrshire,
+N.B.
+
+Mrs A.-I. wrote that there is no shooting attached to the manse, but
+several aristocratic friends of theirs own moors in the vicinity, and
+will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them, so
+that, as she believed I was the keen sportsman, I had better bring my
+gun.
+
+Alack! I am not the happy possessor of any lethal weapon, but, having
+since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts,
+bottles, and eggs rendered incredibly lively by a jet of steam, I am at
+last an _au fait_ with a crackshot, and no end of a Nimrod.
+
+I do not think I shall purchase a gun, for there is a young English
+acquaintance of mine who is the Devil's Own Volunteer, and who will
+no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two.
+
+As to costume, my tailor assures me that it is totally unnecessary to
+assume the national raiment of a Scotch, unless I am prepared to stalk
+after a stag. But why should I be deterred by any cowardly fear from
+pursuing so constitutionally timid a quadruped? I have therefore
+commissioned him to manufacture me a petticoat kilt, with a chequered
+tartan, and other accessories, for when we are going to Rome, it is the
+mark of politeness to dress in the Romish style.
+
+[Illustration: "WOULD BE GREATLY IMPROVED BY THE SIMPLE ADDITION OF SOME
+KNEE-CAPS."]
+
+The Caledonian costume is indubitably becoming; but would, I venture
+humbly to think, be greatly improved by the simple addition of some
+knee-caps.
+
+
+
+
+XXIII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his
+    preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to
+    get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty--to
+    which no serious importance need be attached._
+
+
+My fair plaintiff has not suffered the grass of inaction to grow upon
+her feet, having already issued her Statement of Claim, by which she
+alleges that I proposed marriage on a certain date, and did
+subsequently, on divers occasions, treat her, in the presence of sundry
+witnesses, as an affianced, after which I mizzled into obscurity, and on
+various pretexts did decline, and do still decline, to fulfil my nuptial
+contract, by which conduct the plaintiff, being grievously afflicted in
+mind, body, and estate, claims damages to the doleful tune of L1000.
+
+(N.B.--I have thought it advisable here and there to translate the legal
+phraseology into more comprehensible verbiage.)
+
+Now such a claim is to milk a ram, or _prendre la lune avec les dents_,
+seeing that I am not a proprietor of even one thousand rupees.
+Nevertheless (as I have informed Mr SMARTLE), my progenitor, the
+Mooktear, will bleed to any reasonable extent of costs out of pocket.
+
+I have held frequent and lengthy interviews with the said SMARTLE, Esq.,
+who is of incredible despatch and celerity--though I sometimes regret
+that I did not procure a solicitor of a more senile and sympathetic
+disposition.
+
+Assuredly had I done so, such an one would not, after perusing my
+Statement of Defence--a most magnificently voluminous document of over
+fifty folios, crammed and stuffed with satirical hits and sideblows, and
+pathetic appeals for the Bench's indulgence, and replete with familiar
+quotations from best classical and continental authors--such an one, I
+say, would not have split his sides with disrespectful chucklings,
+thrown my composition into a wasted paper receptacle, and proceeded to
+knock off a meagre substitute of his own, containing a very few dry bald
+paragraphs, in the inadequately brief space of under the hour.
+
+Such, however, was Mr SMARTLE'S course; and the sole consolation is
+that, owing to his unprofessional precipitation, the action was set down
+for trial previously to the commencement of the Long Vacation, and my
+case may come on some time next Term, and I be put out of my misery at
+the close of the year.
+
+My aforesaid legal adviser, finding that I adhered with the tenacity of
+bird-slime to my determination to conduct my case in person, did hint
+in no ambiguous language, that it might perhaps be even better for me to
+do the guy next November to my native land, and snip my fingers then
+from a safe distance at the plaintiff.
+
+But it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather (except when
+prostrated by severe bodily panics), and I am consumed by an ardent
+impatience to air my fluencies and legal learnedness before the
+publicity of a London Law Court.
+
+Now, begone dull care! for I am to dismiss all litigious thoughts till
+October or November next, and become a _Dolce far niente_, chasing the
+deer with my heart in the Highlands.
+
+My volunteering acquaintance, by the way, has declined to lend me his
+rifle, on the transparent pretence that it was contrary to regulations,
+and that it was not the _bon ton_ to pursue grouse-birds and the like
+with so war-like a weapon.
+
+So, on young HOWARD'S advice, I made the purchase from a pawnbroker of a
+lethal instrument, provided with a duplicate bore, so that, should a
+bird happen by any chance to escape my first barrel, the second will
+infallibly make him bite the dust.
+
+I have also purchased some cartridges of a very pleasing colour, a
+hunting knife, and a shot belt and pouch, and if I can only procure some
+inexpensive kind of sporting hound from the Dogs' Home, I shall be
+forewarned and forearmed _cap a pie_ for the perils and pleasures of the
+chase.
+
+Miss WEE-WEE did earnestly advise me, inasmuch as I was about to go
+amongst the savage hill tribes of canny Scotians, to previously make
+myself acquainted with their idioms, &c., for which purpose she lent me
+some romances written entirely in Caledonian dialects, also the
+compositions of Hon. Poet BURNS.
+
+But hoity-toity! after much diligent perusal, I arrived at the
+conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most intelligent
+foreigner, unless he is furnished with a good Scotch grammar and
+dictionary.
+
+And _mirabile dictu!_ though I have made diligent inquiries of various
+London booksellers, I have found it utterly impossible to obtain such
+works in England--a haughty and arrogantly dispositioned country, more
+inclined to teach than to learn!
+
+How many of your boasted British Cabinet, supposed to rule our countless
+millions of so-called Indian subjects, would be capable to sit down and
+read and translate--_correctly_--a single sentence from the Mahabharat
+in the original?
+
+Not more, I shrewdly suspect, than half a dozen at most!
+
+So it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in
+the language and literature of a country like Scotland, which is
+notoriously wild and barren and less densely populated and productive
+than the most ordinary districts of Bengal.
+
+Oh, you pusillanimous Highland chiefs and other misters! how long will
+you tamely submit to such offhanded treatment? Will the day never come
+when, with whirling sporrans and flashing pibrochs you will rise against
+the alien oppressor, and demand Home Rule, together with the total
+abolition of present disdainful British _insouciance_?
+
+When that day dawns--if ever--please note this piece of private
+intelligence from an authorised source: _Young Bengal will be with you
+in your struggle for Autonomy._ If not in body, assuredly in spirit.
+Possibly in _both_.
+
+I say no more, in case I should be accused of trying to stir up
+seditious feelings; but, as a patriotic Baboo gentleman, my blood will
+boil occasionally at instances of stuck-up English self-sufficiency, and
+the worm in the bud, if nipped too severely, may blossom into a rather
+formidable serpent!
+
+[Illustration: "I AM ADDRESSED BY AN UNDERBRED STREET-URCHIN AS A
+'BLOOMING BLACKY!'"]
+
+As, for instance, when, in the course of an inoffensive promenade, I am
+addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a "blooming blacky," and
+cannot induce a policeman to compel my aggressor to furnish me with his
+name and address or that of his parents, or even to offer the most
+ordinary apology.
+
+Enough of these rather bitter reflections, however. I omitted to mention
+that I am also the proprietor (at the same pawnbroker's where I
+bought my breeches-loader gun) of a very fine second-hand salmon-rod, a
+great bargain and immense value, with which I hope to be able to catch a
+great quantity of fishes.
+
+For there is, according to young HOWARD, good fishing in a burn
+adjoining the Manse, so I shall follow King Solomon's injunctions, and
+not spare the rod and spoil the salmons, though if I should happen to
+"spoil" my rod, the salmons would inevitably in consequence be "spared."
+
+This is a sample of the kind of verbal pleasantries in which, when in
+exhilarated high spirits, I sometimes facetiously indulge.
+
+
+
+
+XXIV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors._
+
+
+I am now an acclimatised denizen of Caledonia stern and wild; which,
+however, turns out to be milder and tamer than depicted by the jaundiced
+hand of national jealousy.
+
+For, since my arrival at this hamlet of Kilpaitrick, N.B., I have not
+once beheld any species of savage hill-man; moreover, the adult
+inhabitants are clothed with irreproachable decency, and, if the
+juveniles run about with denuded feet and heads, where is the shocking
+scandal?
+
+Mr ALLBUTT-INNETT, sen., did me the honour to appear in person upon the
+Kilpaitrick platform, and welcome me with outspread arms to his
+temporary hearth and home, but I shall have the candour of confessing my
+disappointment with the size and appearance of the same. It appears that
+a "Manse" is not at all a palatial edifice, furnished with a plethora of
+marble halls and vassals and serfs, &c., but simply the very so-so and
+two-storied abode of some local priest!
+
+My gracious hostess was to tender profuse apologies for its homeliness,
+on the plea that it is refreshing at times to lay aside ceremonial
+magnificence and unbend in rural simplicity, though it is not humanly
+possible to unbend oneself upon the thorny bosoms of chairs and couches
+severely upholstered with the prickling hairs of an extinct horse.
+
+Still, as I assured Miss WEE-WEE, she is the happy owner of a magical
+knack to transform, by her sheer apparition, the humblest hovel into the
+first-class family residence with every modern improvement.
+
+With the said Miss I continue on terms of hand and gloveship, with
+mutual harmless jokes, which would perhaps be as caviare on toast to a
+general, though I shall venture to recount some examples.
+
+[Illustration: "OF INCREDIBLE BASHFULNESS AND BUCOLICAL APPEARANCE."]
+
+A certain local young laird, of incredible bashfulness and bucolical
+appearance, is a frequent visitor at the manse, and the fervent admirer
+of Miss WEE-WEE, who cannot endure the tedium of his society, and is
+constantly endeavouring to escape therefrom.
+
+Now his name is Mr CRUM, and I have frequently entertained her in
+private by play upon the word, alluding to him as "Mister CRUST,"
+"Mister OATCAKE," or "the Scotch Bun," and the like; but he informed me
+that he preferred to be addressed as "Balbannock," and upon my inquiring
+his reasons for selecting such an alias, he answered that it was because
+he inhabited a house of that name.
+
+Whereupon I facetiously requested that he would address myself in future
+as "Mister Seventy-nine, Hereford Road, Bayswater," which stroke of wit
+occasioned inextinguishable merriment from Miss WEE-WEE, though it did
+not excite from the aforesaid laird so much as the smallest simper!
+
+From an ingrained love of teasing, and also the natural desire to
+stimulate her appreciation of my superior fertility in small talk and
+_l'art de plaire_, I do often slyly contrive to inflict his sole society
+upon her--to the huge entertainment of her father and mother, who carry
+on the joke by assisting my manoeuvrings; but, although it affords me
+a flattering gratification to be plaintively upbraided by Miss WEE-WEE
+for my cruel desertion, I am resolved not to persist in such heartless
+pranks beyond her natural endurance.
+
+Shortly after my arrival I heard from my host that he was the recipient
+of an invitation from a Mister BAGSHOT, Q.C., that he and his son HOWARD
+would accompany him to a shooting expedition upon some adjacent moors,
+and that, being now immoderately plump, and past his prime as a potshot,
+he had requested leave to nominate myself as his _budli_ or substitute,
+explaining that I was a young Indian prince of great prowess at every
+kind of big games.
+
+Accordingly, to my great delight, it was arranged that I should take his
+place.
+
+My young friend HOWARD, beholding me appear at the breakfast-table
+arrayed in my short kilt and superincumbent belly-purse with tassels,
+did entreat me to change myself into ordinary knickerbockers, lest I
+should catch death with a cold.
+
+But I declined, disdaining such dangers, and assuring him that I did not
+at all dislike the excessive ventilation of my knees.
+
+We drove to Mr BAGSHOT'S residence, Rowans Castle, in a hired machine,
+and found the gentlemen-shooters gathered outside the portico. Amongst
+the party I was pleased to observe Hon'ble Justice CUMMERBUND, who, when
+we were all ascended into the waggonette-break, did rally me very
+good-humouredly upon some mixed bag of elephants and tigers he had heard
+(or so he said) I had accomplished in some up-country jungle.
+
+At first, knowing that this was the utter impossibility, I perspired
+with terror that he was making me the fool, but apparently he was
+himself under a misunderstanding, for when we had left the vehicle and
+were preparing to advance, he paid me the distinguished compliment of
+entreating that I might be awarded the command of one extremity of the
+line, while he himself was to preside over the opposite end!
+
+And thus we commenced to climb a steep hill, thickly covered with a very
+pricklesome heather, and black slimy bogs, wherein the varnish of my
+patent-leather shoes did soon become totally dimmed. So, being gravely
+incommoded by the shortness of my wind, I entrusted my musket to an
+under-keeper, begging him to inform me of the early approach of any stag
+or deer.
+
+However, we saw nothing to shoot at except various sorts of wild
+poultry, and when some of these flew up immediately in front of me, I
+was too late, owing to the carriage of my gun by an underling, to do
+more than fire off a couple of barrels as a declaration of hostility.
+
+But profiting by this lesson in being _semper paratus_, I refused to
+part again with my deadly instrument, and stumbled manfully onwards with
+finger upon the triggers, letting them fly instantaneously at the first
+appearance of any animals _ferae naturae_.
+
+It is not customary, I was assured, to slay the wild sheep in these
+districts, though horned, and of an excessively ferocious appearance,
+and even when firing my bullets at birds, I was subjected to continual
+reproofs from some officious keeper or other.
+
+For example, I was not to shoot into a flock of partridges, for the
+superstitious reason, forsooth! that it was still the month of August,
+which is supposed to be unlucky!
+
+Again, I was rebuked for burning powder at a grey hen, because it is the
+wife of a black-cock, which may be shot with impunity. Although a highly
+chivalrous chap in questions of the fairer sex, I am yet to see why it
+is allowable to render the female bird a bereaved widow, but totally
+forbidden to make the male a widower! Or why it is permissible to slay a
+minute bird such as a snipe, while a titlark is on no account to be
+touched.
+
+Being eventually exasperated by these unreasonable faultfindings, seeing
+that I had merely emptied my gun-barrels without actually destroying any
+of these sacred volatiles, I addressed the keeper in the withering tones
+of a sarcasm: "Mister Keeper," I said, "as I am not the ornithologist or
+soothsayer to distinguish infallibly every species of bird by instinct
+when flying with incredible velocity, would it not be better that I
+should discharge no shots in future?"
+
+To which, abashed by my severity, he replied that he could not just say
+that it would make any considerable difference whether I fired at all or
+none.
+
+My fellow-shooters, however, could not refrain from shouting with
+irrepressible admiration at the intrepidity with which, forestalling the
+fleetest dogs, I did rush forward to pick up the fallen grouse-birds,
+and repeatedly exhorted me to take greater care for my own safety.
+
+I cannot say that they exhibited equivalent courageousness, seeing that,
+so often as I raised my gun to fire, they flung themselves upon their
+stomachs in the heather until I had finished, upon which I rallied them
+mercilessly upon their timidity, assuring them repeatedly that they had
+nothing to fear.
+
+Yet English and Scotch alike accuse us Bengalees of being subject to
+excessive funkiness. What about the Pot and the Kettle, Misters?
+
+I am to reserve the conclusion of my shooting experiences until a future
+occasion.
+
+
+
+
+XXV
+
+_Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his experiences on a
+    Scotch moor, greatly to his own glorification._
+
+
+Now to resume the rather arbitrarily truncated account of my gunnery on
+Scottish moors.
+
+Before luncheon I ventured to remonstrate earnestly with my entertainer,
+Mr BAGSHOT, Q.C., concerning the extreme severity with which he
+chastised a juvenile sporting hound of his for such trivial offences as
+running after some rabbit, or picking up slaughtered volatiles without
+receiving the _mot d'ordre_!
+
+"Listen, honourable Sir," I entreated him, "to the voice of Reason! It
+is the second nature of all such canines to pursue vermins, nor are they
+at all capable of comprehending the Why and Wherefore of a shocking
+flagellation. If it is your wish that this hound should play the part of
+a Tantalus, forbidden even to touch the _bonne-bouches_ with his
+watering mouth, surely it is possible to restrain him by a more humane
+method than Brute Force!"
+
+At this mild reproof Mister BAGSHOT became utterly rubescent, murmuring
+excuses which I did not catch; and I, perceiving that this object
+lesson of kindness to animals from an Oriental had strongly affected all
+the shooters, patted the hound on the forehead, consoling him with some
+chocolate I carried in my cartridge sack.
+
+We picnicked our lunch under a stone wall, and I, becoming an hilarious,
+rallied my companions unmercifully upon the solemnity with which they
+had marched in cautious silence, and with stern countenances as to
+attack some formidable foe--and all to slaughter sundry braces of
+inoffensive grouse-birds--truly an heroical sort of undertaking!
+
+To which Hon'ble CUMMERBUND replied, with his utterance impeded by cold
+pie, that I might congratulate myself on having kept my own hands
+unstained by any grouse's gore.
+
+"True, Mister Ex-Judge," I retorted, "but as you have already testified"
+(here I hoisted his own petard at him rather ingeniously), "I am more an
+_au fait_ in the extermination of elephants _et hoc genus omne_, and
+have hitherto reserved my powder and shot for a stag or some similar
+monarch of the glen. However, after lunch let us see whether I am not
+competent to kill, or at least maim, one of these same grouse-fowls,
+_faute de mieux_!"
+
+A repartee which excited uproarious laughter (at Hon'ble C.'s expense)
+from all the present company.
+
+Subsequently, we were posted in a row of small fortresses constructed of
+turfs, to await what is termed a "Drive," _i.e._, until some flock of
+grouse-birds, exasperated to fury by the cries and blows of certain
+individuals called "beaters," should attack our positions.
+
+Hearing that the grouses on this moor were of an excessive wildness, I
+was at first apprehensive that one might fly at my nose or eyes while I
+was busied in defending myself against its fellows, but the keeper who
+was with me assured me that such was seldom their custom.
+
+And, indeed, such as came in my direction flew with wings so accelerated
+by panic that they were invisible before I could even select one as my
+target, so I was reduced to fire with considerable random. Presently the
+beaters approached, carrying flags of truce, and we sallied out of our
+forts to pick up the slain and wounded. After diligent search, I had the
+happiness to discover a grouse-bird, stone dead, in the heather, and,
+capering with triumph, called to the keeper to come and see the spoil.
+
+On his arrival, however, he said that he could not just think it would
+be my bird, as he had not noticed any fall in that direction. But after
+I had presented him with a piece of silver, he did agree that if I chose
+to claim the bird as mine, it was not his place to contradict me, and so
+in great glee I exhibited my prize to the others, appealing to the
+keeper (who basely remained _sotto voce_) for confirmation.
+
+"A devilish clean shot, Prince!" Sir CUMMERBUND graciously remarked;
+"why, the bird is stiff and cold already!"
+
+Whereupon I was cordially congratulated, and awarded the tail feathers
+to decorate my "tommy-shanty," and during the next driving, having now
+acquired the knack, I rendered several more denizens of the air the
+_hors de combats_, though--either on account of their great ingenuity in
+running out of the radius, or creeping into holes, etc., or else the
+stupidity of the retrieving dogs--their corpses remained irrecoverable.
+
+On taking my leave, I expressed unbounded satisfaction with such sport
+as I had had, and my fixed intention to assist on some similar
+shooting-expedition, and Mr BAGSHOT kindly promised to let me know if he
+should again have vacancy for an additional gun.
+
+I regret to say that young HOWARD, who, having only laid low a couple of
+black cocks and a blue hare, was immoderately jealous of my superior
+skilfulness, did seek to depreciate it by insinuating that my grouse was
+one which, having been seriously wounded by other hands some days
+previously, had come up to the hills to shuffle off its mortal coil in
+seclusion, arguing thus from its total absence of heat and
+suppleness.
+
+This is the merest quibble, and to travel out of the record, since, of
+course, if a bird is at all of a venerable age, it becomes stiff and
+deficient in vital warmth long before it is popped off! Moreover, if the
+grouse were not legitimately my property, why, forsooth, should I be
+permitted to carry it home?
+
+[Illustration: "I PRESENTED MY TROPHY AND TREASURE-TROVE TO THE
+FAIRYLIKE MISS WEE-WEE."]
+
+I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss WEE-WEE,
+who was so overwhelmed by the compliment that she entreated for it to be
+cooked and eaten _instanter_.
+
+As soon as I have recovered a missing link of my fishing-rod (which it
+seems has been overlooked by Mister Pawnbroker), and when I have
+procured some suitable bait, &c., it is my intention to catch a fine
+salmon out of the burn for my enchanting divinity, and, as I place the
+fish in her lily-like hands, to strike iron while it is hot and make her
+the formal proposal of matrimony.
+
+Mister CRUM, hearing of my piscatorial ambitions, has, with almost
+incredible simplicity, offered to lend me his salmon rod, with a volume
+of flies, little suspecting that he will be assisting me to catch two
+fish upon one hook! I am immensely tickled by such a tip-top joke, and
+can scarcely refrain from imparting it to Miss WEE-WEE herself, though I
+shall wait until I have first secured the salmon.
+
+I had some valuable remarks upon Scottish idioms and linguistic
+peculiarities, &c., but these, of course, are to be suppressed _sine
+die_--unless I am to be permitted to overflow into a special
+supplement.
+
+
+
+
+XXVI
+
+_Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. How he
+    secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it
+    to his divinity._
+
+
+Owing mainly to lack of opportunity, invitations, _et caetera_, I have
+not resumed the offensive against members of the grouse department, but
+have rather occupied myself in laborious study of Caledonian dialects,
+as exemplified in sundry local works of poetical and prose fiction,
+until I should be competent to converse with the _aborigines_ in their
+own tongue.
+
+[Illustration: "WHETHER HE HAD WHA-HAED WI' HON'BLE WALLACE?"]
+
+Then (having now the diction of Poet BURNS in my fingers' ends) I did
+genially accost the first native I met in the street of Kilpaitrick,
+complimenting him upon his honest, sonsie face, and enquiring whether he
+had wha-haed wi' Hon'ble WALLACE, and was to bruise the Peckomaut, or
+ca' the knowes to the yowes. But, from the intemperance of his reply, I
+divined that he was totally without comprehension of my meaning!
+
+Next I addressed him by turns in the phraseologies of Misters BLACK,
+BARRIE, and CROCKETT, Esquires, interlarding my speech with
+"whatefers," and "hechs," and "ou-ays," and "dod-mons," and "loshes,"
+and "tods," _ad libitum_, to which after listening with the most earnest
+attention, he returned the answer that he was not acquainted with any
+Oriental language.
+
+Nor could I by any argument convince this beetle-head that I was simply
+speaking the barbarous accents of his native land!
+
+Since which, after some similar experiments upon various peasants, &c.,
+I have made a rather peculiar discovery.
+
+There is no longer any such article as a separate Scottish language,
+and, indeed, I am in some dubitation whether it ever existed at all, and
+is not rather the waggish invention of certain audacious Scottishers,
+who have taken advantage of the insular ignorance and credulity of the
+British public to palm off upon it several highly fictitious kinds of
+unintelligible gibberish!
+
+Nay, I will even go farther and express a grave suspicion whether the
+Scotland of these bookish romances is not the daring imposture of a _ben
+trovato_. For, after a prolonged residence of over a fortnight, I have
+never seen anything approaching a mountain pass, nor a dizzy crag,
+surmounted by an eagle, nor any stag drinking itself full at eve among
+the shady trunks of a deer-forest! I have never met a single mountaineer
+in feminine bonnet and plumes and short petticoats, and pipes inserted
+in a bag. Nor do the inhabitants dance in the street upon crossed
+sword-blades--this is purely a London practice. Nor have I seen any
+Caledonian snuffing his nostrils with tobacco from the discarded horn of
+some ram.
+
+Finding that my short kilt is no longer the mould of national form, I
+have now altogether abandoned it, while retaining the fox-tailed
+belly-purse on account of its convenience and handsome appearance.
+
+Now let me proceed to narrate how I became the captor of a large-sized
+salmon.
+
+Having accepted the loan of Mister CRUM'S fishing-wand, and attached to
+my line certain large flies, composed of black hairs, red worsted, and
+gilded thread, which it seems the salmons prefer even to worms, I
+sallied forth along the riparian bank of a river, and proceeded to whip
+the stream with the severity of Emperor XERXES when engaged in
+flagellating the ocean.
+
+But waesucks! (to employ the perhaps spurious verbiage of aforesaid Poet
+BURNS) my line, owing to superabundant longitude, did promptly become a
+labyrinth of Gordian knots, and the flies (which are named _Zulus_)
+attached their barbs to my cap and adjacent bushes with well-nigh
+inextricable tenacity, until at length I had the bright idea to
+abbreviate the line, so that I could dangle my bait a foot or two above
+the surface of the water--where a salmon could easily obtain it by
+simply turning a somersault.
+
+However, after sitting patiently for an hour, as if on a monument, I
+could not succeed in catching the eye of any passing fish, and so,
+severely disheartened by my ill-luck, I was strolling on, shouldering my
+rod, when--odzooks! whom should I encounter but Mister BAGSHOT and a
+party of friends, who were watching his keepers capture salmons from a
+boat by means of a large net, a far more practical and effectual method
+than the cumbersome and unreliable device of a meretricious fly with a
+very visible hook!
+
+And, just as I approached, the net was drawn towards the bank, and
+proved to contain three very large lively fishes lashing their tails
+with ungovernable fury at such detention!
+
+Whereupon I made the humble petition to Mister BAGSHOT that, since he
+was now the favourite of Fortune, he was to remember him to whom she had
+denied her simpers, and bestow upon me the most mediocre of the salmons,
+since I was desirous to make a polite offering to the amiable daughter
+of my host and hostess.
+
+And with munificent generosity he presented me with the largest of the
+trio, which, with great jubilation, I endeavoured to carry off under my
+arm, though severely baffled by the extreme slipperiness with which
+(even after its decease) it repeatedly wallowed in dust, until someone,
+perceiving my fix, good-naturedly instructed me how to carry it by
+perforating its head with a piece of string.
+
+I found Miss WEE-WEE in a secluded garden seat at the back of the Manse,
+incommoded, as usual, by the society of Mister CRUM. "Sir," I said,
+addressing him politely (for I was extremely anxious for his departure,
+since I could not well present my salmon to Miss WEE-WEE and request the
+_quid-pro-quo_ of her affection in his presence), "accept my gratitude
+for the usufruct of your rod, which has produced magnificent fruit. You
+will find the instrument leaning against the palings of the front
+garden." And with this I made secret signals to Miss WEE-WEE that she
+was to dismiss him; but she remained bashful, and he seemed totally
+unaware that he was the drug of the market!
+
+At last, weary of concealing my captured salmon any longer behind the
+small of my back, I was about to inform Mister CRUM that he had Miss
+LOUISA'S permission to absent himself, when she broke the silence by
+informing me that, as the old familiar friend of both parties, I was to
+be the first to hear a piece of news--to wit, that DONALD (Mister C.'s
+baptismal appellation) and she were just become the engaged couple!
+
+I was so overcome by grief and indignation at her perfidious duplicity
+(since she had frequently encouraged me in my mockeries of her admirer's
+uncouthness and rusticity), that I stuck in the throat, and then flung
+the salmon violently across a boundary hedge into a yard of poultry.
+
+"Madam," I said, "that fish was to have been laid at your feet as the
+visible pledge of my devotion. You have not only lost the gift of a
+splendid salmon, but have thrown away the heart of a well-educated
+native B.A. and Member of the Bar! And you have gained--hoity toity!
+What? Why, a Scotch Bun!"
+
+But almost immediately I was taken by violent remorse for my
+presumption, and shed the tears of contrition, entreating
+forgiveness--nay, more, I scrambled through a hole in a very thorny
+hedge, and, recovering the salmon (which had not had time to become very
+severely henpecked), I begged them to accept it between them as a token
+of my esteem and good wishes, which they joyfully consented to do. I had
+expected that my worthy host and hostess would have shared my astounded
+disappointment on hearing of their daughter's engagement; but, on the
+contrary, they received the news with smiling complacency.
+
+It appears that Mister CRUM, though endowed with a somewhat sheepish and
+bucolical exterior, is of tip-top Scottish caste and lineage, and the
+landed proprietor.
+
+I am not to deny the attractiveness of such qualities, though I had
+hitherto been under the Fool's Paradise of an impression that they would
+have infinitely preferred this humble self as a son-in-law.
+
+However, I am now emerging from my doleful dumps, with the reflection
+that, after all, it is contrary to common-sense to drain the cup of
+misery to the dregs for so totally inadequate a cause as the ficklety of
+any feminine!
+
+
+
+
+XXVII
+
+_Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, thereby
+    affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal
+    assistance. An apparent attempt to pack the Jury._
+
+
+The Public will be astounded at the news (which came with the perfect
+novelty of a surprise upon this insignificant self) that I have ceased
+to be the cherished guest beneath the hired Scottish roof of Mister
+LEOFRIC ALLBUTT-INNETT and his bucksome lady.
+
+It fell out after this fashion.
+
+One fine September morning, when I was accoutring myself in order to go
+out and hunt the robert (N.B. a genuine local Scotticism for individuals
+belonging to the rabbit genius), there came to me my young friend
+HOWARD, who was to teach my young idea how to shoot, in great gloom,
+asking me if it would take me a prolonged period to pack up my
+_impedimenta_.
+
+I replied that I could do the trick instantaneously, inquiring the
+reason for his question.
+
+"Because," said he, "if I were you, I should have a wire requiring me to
+come up to London at once."
+
+"From my solicitor?" I inquired. "Is he then desirous of consulting with
+me?"
+
+My friend answered me that it was the one object of his present
+existence.
+
+"In that case," said I, rather spiritedly, "let him come up here, since
+I am not a mountain that I should obey the becking call of any Mahomet.
+Moreover, I am impatient to achieve the destruction of some Scottish
+roberts."
+
+"If you will take my advice," he said, "you will grant them a reprieve,
+and make a scarcity of yourself. There is a train for Glasgow which you
+can just catch. I wouldn't distress the Mater and Governor by any
+farewells, you know."
+
+"But," I objected, "I am not even in receipt of any telegram. Nor can I
+possibly omit the etiquette of a ceremonious leave-taking with your
+honourable parents."
+
+"Just as you please," replied he. "Just now the Governor and Mater are
+in the front sitting-room, engaged in perusing the back numbers of your
+precious 'Jossers and Tidlers' or whatever you call 'em, which have been
+thoughtfully forwarded by a relative. I don't think I'd disturb them."
+
+"Are they so hugely interested in the performances of my unassuming
+_penna_?" I cried, with the gratified simpering of a flattered.
+
+"It looked like it when I left the room," said he; "the Mater was very
+near rolling on the oilcloth, and the Governor dancing and foaming from
+his mouth. What an awfully old ass you have been, JAB, to go and blurt
+out everything in print--about your breach of promise case, and getting
+to know us, and--worst of all--being merely a bogey prince. Naturally,
+we don't care about being made to look fools. The dear old Mater, you
+know, is one of those simple, trusting natures that, if they once
+discover they have been taken in by a sham title, why, they kick up the
+row of a deuce! And, as for the Governor, he's the sort of old retiring
+chap that has a downright loathing of publicity, when it makes him
+ridiculous. If he came across you just now, there's really no saying
+what he mightn't do. He's such a devilishly hot-tempered old boy!"
+
+I did not comprehend the reasons for such exuberant anger, but, of
+course, young HOWARD insisted so urgently on physical dangers to myself
+if I delayed, that I hastened stealthily to my room by a backstair, and
+flinging my _paraphernalia_ with incredible despatch into a portmanteau,
+was so fortunate as to convey it out of the house without attracting the
+invidious attention of my host and hostess, who were probably still
+occupied in foaming and rolling upon the carpet like angry waves of the
+sea.
+
+Young HOWARD accompanied me to the station, though blaming me as the
+cause of his embroilment with his progenitors, who, it seems, had
+insisted--quite unjustly--that he must have known from the first that my
+nobility was merely a brevet rank; and Miss WEE-WEE bade me farewell
+with a soft and perfectly ladylike cordiality, being too grieved by my
+departure to make any allusion to the head and front of my offending.
+
+Now I am once more in London, paying daily visits of several hours to
+the office of my solicitor, in order to assist him in the preparation of
+my brief.
+
+[Illustration: BABOO CHUCKERBUTTY RAM.]
+
+The other day, Baboo JALPANYBHOY and Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM attended for
+the purpose of arranging their evidence, when I regret to say the former
+made a rather paltry exhibition of himself, being declared by Mr SMARTLE
+himself to be totally incompetent to prove anything whatever material to
+the case, and I am therefore resolved to refuse him admission to the
+witness-box.
+
+I am more hopeful of Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, who, I think, after diligent
+coaching from myself, may be induced to restrain his natural garrulity,
+and speak no more than is set down for him, which is simply that I have
+already, in his presence, contracted matrimony with a juvenile native,
+and that the laws of my country entitle me to marry several more.
+
+This is in support of one of my most subtle pleadings of defence, to
+wit, that I have already offered to marry the plaintiff according to my
+country's laws, but that she did definitely decline such a marriage as
+polygamous (which it is indubitably liable to become at any moment),
+consequently, that my said contract is nilled by mutual consent.
+
+Mr SMARTLE was of the opinion that the plaintiff's solicitors would move
+to strike out such a pleading as bad in law, since it is no defence to
+an action for breach of promise that the defendant is already the
+Benedick. Fortunately they have omitted to do this, and I anticipate
+exciting excessive admiration in Court by the ingenuity of my arguments
+from Analogy, Common Sense, Roman Law, &c.
+
+My said solicitor has also communicated with Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND
+CUMMERBUND, to inquire if he would consent to appear as a witness to my
+dependent filial condition, and entire lack of the sinews of war; which,
+with fatherly kindness, he has agreed to do, and, as he rather
+humorously puts it, convince the jury that I am the good riddance of bad
+rubbish.
+
+Now the decks are cleaned for action, and all is ready for the forensic
+logomachy as soon as it may please Providence and some associate in the
+Queen's Bench Division to place the suit of _Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee_ in
+the list of causes for the day.
+
+My solicitor's advice, which I shall very probably adopt, is to keep as
+close as possible to the issues, and more especially to the point that,
+if I gave any promise to marry at all, it was extorted from me by
+threats of bodily violence which reduced me to a blue funkiness.
+
+Also he recommends that I am not to attempt any golden-mouthed
+eloquence, thereby making the lamentable exhibit of a most stupendous
+ignorance of human nature!
+
+For what can melt the stony hearts of men, causing them to bellow like
+an ox and become tender as chickens, or what can rouse them to
+Indignation, Approval, Contempt, Wonderment, and every other known
+sentiment as required, so effectively as the trumpeting tongue of
+oratorical eloquence!
+
+All I can aver is that, if I am not to be permitted to draw the
+glittering sword of my tongue from the scabbard of my mouth, I shall
+infallibly, in sheer sickishness at such short-sighted folly, throw up
+my brief!
+
+I must not omit to say that if any of my fellow-colleagues on this
+periodical (of course including Hon'ble Editor) should be anxious to
+become eye-witnesses of my forensic _debut_, I shall be overjoyed to
+procure their admission and will instruct the Usher that they are to be
+awarded the seats of honour. Perhaps it might even be feasible for two
+or three of them to obtain appointments as jurymen.
+
+If so, let them not turn the deaf ear to the gentle wheezings of their
+_esprit de corps_, but remember that it is not the custom for one eagle
+to peck another in his optics.
+
+
+
+
+XXVIII
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee in Court during the
+    proceedings._
+
+
+    _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 10.20 A.M.
+
+The eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length
+arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such
+tittles as take place. I have taken my seat in Court on one of the
+benches reserved for long-robed juniors; in my immediate rear being my
+solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer
+and Friend in Need.
+
+[Illustration: "FRESH AS A DAISY, AND FINE AS A CARROT FRESH SCRAPED."]
+
+In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss JESSIMINA
+and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared to greet them with
+effusive kindness, and assure them I was only a hostile in my
+professional capacity. Whether they were struck with awe by the
+unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &c., in
+which I am fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped, or
+whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguisement of such
+toggeries, I am not to decide--but they passed by without responding
+visibly to my salutations.
+
+10.25.--A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just
+entered the row in front. Mister SMARTLE whispers to me that this is
+WITHERINGTON, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition.
+
+I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce
+myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice,
+acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and
+was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritorious Native
+Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him
+not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his petitioner.
+
+However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor
+can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neighbour, to show me
+any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my
+treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any
+further overtures to such stuck-up individuals.
+
+10.30.--Hon'ble Mister Justice HONEYGALL enters in highly dignified
+fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which
+uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and
+smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my
+achieving the conquest of my spurs.
+
+The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-contributors to
+_Punch_ are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe
+to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surreptitious simper. But
+this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence.
+
+The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and
+barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being
+evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely
+gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabulary. A poor tongue-tied
+devil of a chap whom I regard with pity!
+
+WITHERINGTON, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but
+he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not
+shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted British advocacy.
+
+Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies
+he lavishes upon JESSIMINA that he is already the tangled fly in the web
+of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent
+barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through such a millstone as
+the female heart!
+
+He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions
+to my undeserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer
+without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation! However, though he
+makes bitter complaints of my interruptions, he does me the honour to
+refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified
+fervour, assuring him that I reciprocate his esteem.
+
+Hon'ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that,
+unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will
+infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my
+interests by disregarding the customary etiquettes of the Bar.
+
+11.5.--JESSIMINA is giving her testimony. Indubitably she has greatly
+improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of
+Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if
+not more so) than Miss WEE-WEE'S own! Alack! that she should relate her
+story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude
+and well-assumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for,
+after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various
+unimportant details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait
+until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe
+measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of
+judicial impartiality!
+
+1.30 P.M.--The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather
+severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being
+oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the
+result--which, owing to the partisanship of Hon'ble Bench, the
+disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss
+JESSIMINA'S ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my
+searching interrogatories, did not attain to the sanguine level of my
+expectations.
+
+For instance, when I asked her whether it was not the fact that I was
+notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the
+unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently
+described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and
+shooting man-eating tigers.
+
+Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I
+had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to
+compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain
+fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (interrupting in the most
+unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I
+seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry, he was unable
+to perceive the bearings of my query.
+
+Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of
+Poet SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace, and required her--on her oath--to answer
+whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and
+whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to
+bestow the _disjecta membra_ upon herself instead.
+
+To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew
+was that I had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had
+been expressly purchased for herself as a souvenir of my ardent
+affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it
+with some patent cement.
+
+Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to
+know what was passing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and
+informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless
+she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with
+applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I
+was entitled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was
+on no account to be permitted.
+
+Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious
+disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the
+gentlemen-boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with
+her upon such conduct. Here WITHERINGTON, Q.C., bounded on to his feet,
+and protested that I was not entitled to put this question now, since I
+had not dared to allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached
+my promise owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of
+submitting to such objection, JESSIMINA answered in mellifluous accents
+that she had never manifested more than ordinary civility towards any
+gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed passionate jealousy of them
+all prior to my engagement--though never since, because she had never
+afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances.
+
+Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with
+tender commiseration; for her maidenly distress did only increase her
+charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself,
+observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do
+me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the
+Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations!
+
+Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on
+the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and
+whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr
+CHUCKERBUTTY RAM for corroboration of my story, and that he had informed
+her that my said wife was a _post mortem_.
+
+Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr RAM said was not
+evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon'ble Judge partly
+upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation
+was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation,
+thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story.
+
+Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of
+WITHERINGTON, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he
+admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff.
+
+My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to reduce the
+damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the
+first to brief WITHERINGTON. But this is to croak like a raven, for the
+cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the
+Gift of the Gab--in which I am notoriously _nulli secundus_.
+
+2.15 P.M.--The Court has returned. WITHERINGTON'S Junior has called
+JESSIMINA'S mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather
+painful duty to cross-examine sharply.
+
+Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. _Sursum
+corda!_ I must buck it up.
+
+
+
+
+XXIX
+
+_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Mr
+    Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._
+
+
+    _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2.40 P.M.
+
+I have just resumed my seat after a rather searching examination of
+Madam MANKLETOW, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly
+taken by my solicitor:--
+
+      MY SOLICITOR'S SAID NOTES.
+
+Mrs MARTHA MANKLETOW (_formidable old party--all bugles and bombazine_).
+Would certainly describe her establishment as 'select'; all of her male
+boarders perfect gentlemen--except defendant. Was never anxious to
+secure him for her daughter--on the contrary, would have much preferred
+her son-in-law white. Gave her consent because of the passionate
+attachment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of
+princely rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her
+daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with
+personal chastisement from other boarders if he denied any engagement.
+Did say that if he meant nothing serious after all the marked
+attentions he had paid the plaintiff, he deserved to be cut dead by all
+the gentlemen in the house. Insisted on the engagement being made public
+at once; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether
+defendant was married already, or how many wives he was entitled to in
+his own country--he had taken good care not to say anything about all
+that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never
+had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his
+heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get
+over the slight of being jilted by a black man....
+
+Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation
+and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly educated
+Indian University man and qualified native barrister.
+
+3.15.--More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss SPINK and sundry select
+boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my
+engagement. Seeing that they were predetermined not to answer favourably
+to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister WITHERINGTON'S book, and said
+that I had no questions to ask.... The plaintiff's junior has just sat
+down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the
+tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity.
+
+The annexed report, though sadly meagre and doing very scanty justice to
+the occasion, is furnished by my friend young HOWARD, who was present in
+Court at the time....
+
+_Jab._ (_in a kind of sing-song_). May it please your venerable lordship
+and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar
+predicament of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known
+character in the dramatic works of your immortal _litterateur_ Poet
+SHAKSPEARE. I allude to OTHELLO on the occasion of his pleading before
+the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a
+speech which I shall commence by quoting in full----
+
+[Illustration: MR JUSTICE HONEYGALL.]
+
+_Mr Justice Honeygall._ One moment, Mr JABBERJEE, I am always reluctant
+to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury
+if I remind you that the illustration you propose to give us is hardly
+as happy as it might be. The head and front of OTHELLO'S offending,
+unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of his
+affections, whereas in _your_ case----
+
+_Jab._ (_plaintively_). Your lordship, it is not humanly possible that I
+can exhibit even ordinary eloquence if I am to be interrupted by
+far-fetched and frivolous objections. The story of OTHELLO----
+
+_Mr Justice H._ What the jury want to hear is not OTHELLO'S story, but
+yours, Sir, and your proper course is to go into the witness-box at
+once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly
+as you can. When you have given your own evidence and called any
+witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of
+addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you
+apparently place so much reliance.
+
+      [_Here poor old ~JAB~ bundles off to the witness-box, and
+      takes some outlandish oath or other with immense gusto,
+      after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling
+      rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him
+      up, which he does about every other minute. This is the sort
+      of thing that goes on:--_
+
+_Jab._ At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous and no
+Leviathan of valour----
+
+_The Judge._ Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I've not got
+down half what you said before that. (_Reads laboriously from his
+notes._) "In panicstricken apprehension of being severely assaulted _a
+posteriori_." Who do you say threatened to assault you in that
+manner--the plaintiff's mother?
+
+_Jab._ I have already had the honour to inform your lordship that I was
+utterly intimidated by the savage threats of the plaintiff's mother
+that, unless I consented to become the betrothed, she would summon
+certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected
+person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan----
+
+_The Judge._ No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that
+description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (_Reads as he
+writes._) "I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff's mother that
+she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I
+consented to become engaged to plaintiff." Is _that_ what you say?
+
+_Jab._ (_beaming_). Your lordship's acute intellect has comprehended my
+_pons asinorum_ with great intelligence.
+
+_The Judge_ (_looking at him under his spectacles_). Umph! Well, go on.
+What next?
+
+      [_So old ~JAB~ goes on gassing away, at such a deuce of a rate
+      that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits
+      staring at ~JAB~ in resigned disgust._ (_It was spell-bound
+      attentiveness._--H. B. J.) _~JAB~ WILL spout and WON'T keep to
+      the point; but, all the same, I fancy, somehow, he's getting
+      round the Jury. He's such a jolly innocent kind of old ass,
+      and they like him because he's no end of sport. The
+      plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence
+      uncommonly well; but, unless ~WITHERINGTON~ turns up again, I
+      believe old ~JAB~ will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't
+      taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course
+      he managed to get in a speech._
+
+_Jab._ Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced
+attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is
+incredible that any English female, of genteel upbringings and the
+lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box,
+it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a
+mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly
+to endure a domestic existence exposed to the slings and arrows of a
+perpetual gorilla warfare from various native aunts and sisters-in-law,
+or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach, after the
+luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple,
+unostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of
+the jury, as warm-hearted noble-minded English gentlemen, you will never
+condemn an unfortunate and industrious native graduate and barrister to
+make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families
+with such a bone of contention as a European better half, who will
+infallibly plunge him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars!
+I shall now vacate the witness-box in favour of my intimate friend and
+fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, who will tell
+you----
+
+_The Judge_ (_rising_). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir
+CHETWYND here, Mr JABBERJEE, there is a little formality you appear to
+have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel will probably wish before you
+leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross-examination, and
+that must stand over till to-morrow. (_At this, old Jab's jaw falls
+several holes._)
+
+NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--_Hereford Road, Bayswater._--I am excessively
+gratified by the result of my first day's trial, being already
+the established favourite and chartered libertine of the whole
+Court, who split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am
+no longer immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly
+examined--especially since WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has abandoned his brief
+in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is incompetent to exclaim Bo! to
+a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be
+interrogated by a mere underling.
+
+The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter indifference of
+JESSIMINA to my aforesaid triumphs. At the termination of the hearing
+to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse
+with the smartly-attired curly-headed young solicitor who is acting on
+her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity!
+
+Alackaday! _varium et mutabile semper foemina!_
+
+
+
+
+XXX
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard.) Mr Jabberjee finds
+    cross-examination much less formidable than he had anticipated._
+
+
+It is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a
+transcendental success that already the Court is tight as a drum, while
+a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors!
+
+I was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not
+responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert my utmost
+influence with the Hon'ble Judge that they were all to be admitted.
+
+But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the
+entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was not to be the
+bally-fool.
+
+In the trough I perceive JESSIMINA seated, in a hat even more
+resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a
+little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plaintiff of such
+a stylish and elegant appearance.
+
+[Illustration: WITHERINGTON, Q.C.]
+
+10.25 A.M.--After all, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has paid me the marked
+compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross-examination. At
+which SMARTLE, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of
+turning my inside out in no time unless I am preciously careful. But,
+knowing that such inhuman barbarities are not feasible in civilised
+regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance....
+
+_Later._--I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole)
+with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment,
+WITHERINGTON, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and
+sympathetic interest in my career, &c., which rendered me completely at
+my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial
+severity, I soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea-pot,
+and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies.
+And for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a
+kind and facetious familiarity.
+
+I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with
+instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable
+doltishness he has done the exact converse, and transcribed merely the
+utterances of Mister WITHERINGTON! However, as I do not accurately
+recall my responses, I am to insert the report here _pro tanto_,
+trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines.
+
+      HERE FOLLOWS THE REPORT.
+
+_Mr Witherington, Q.C._ Well, Mr JABBERJEE, so it seems that it is all a
+mistake about your being a Prince, eh?... And, however such an idea may
+have originated, _you_ never represented yourself as a Rajah, or
+anything of the kind?... I was sure you would say so. You have such a
+high regard for truth, and such a deep sense of the obligation of an
+oath, that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time--may
+I take that for granted?... Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr
+JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, from a
+certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on,
+that you must be of high rank in your own country?... But, though you
+don't set up to be a Prince, you are, I believe, a recent acquisition to
+the honourable profession of which we are both members?... And also a
+journalist of some distinction, are you not?... Indeed? I congratulate
+you--a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the proprietors have
+shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a
+pecuniary sense?... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr JABBERJEE!
+Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their
+pen while they are waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ask if you
+intend to practise in this country?... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then I
+suppose you can count upon influence out there?... Your father a
+_Mooktear_, is he? I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly.... A
+solicitor? _Now_ I understand. So he will give you cases--in which I am
+sure you will distinguish yourself. But you'll have to work hard, won't
+you?... I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh?...
+That's a drawback, isn't it? You're passionately devoted to
+tiger-shooting, aren't you? Unless I'm mistaken, you first won the
+plaintiff's admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your
+"moving accidents by flood and field"--another parallel between you and
+OTHELLO, eh? Well, tell me, I'm no sportsman myself--but it's rather a
+thrilling moment, isn't it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your
+elephant, and get inside the--what do you call it--howlah?--oh,
+_howdah_, to be sure; thank you, very much.... So I should have
+imagined. Still, I suppose, when you're used to it, even that wouldn't
+shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your
+tiger at close quarters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just
+so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now--isn't a boar
+rather an awkward customer to tackle?... "You never found him so"? But
+suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse?... Ah,
+you're a mighty hunter, Mr JABBERJEE, I perceive! Ever shoot any
+elephants?... _No_ elephants? That's a pleasure to come, then. Now,
+about your relations with the plaintiff prior to your engagement--you
+were a good deal in her company, weren't you?... Well, you constantly
+escorted her to various places of amusement, come?... Yes, yes; I am
+quite aware a _chaperon_ was always present. We are both agreed that my
+client has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety--but you
+liked being in her society, didn't you?... Exactly so, and, at that time
+at all events, you admired her extremely?... "Merely as a friend," eh?
+no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came
+to engage yourself.... You were afraid your landlady would summon a
+boarder and ask him to give you a kicking?... And the prospect of being
+kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise
+anything--is _that_ your story?... But you are a man of iron nerve, you
+know, you've just been giving us a description of your performances in
+the jungle. How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the
+attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you turn a hair?...
+But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn't it?... Then
+do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you
+never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why
+didn't you say so at once, Sir.... Do you consider a misrepresentation
+of that kind a mere trifle?... In spite of the fact that you have
+solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but
+the truth?... Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just
+look at this letter of yours. (Your lordship has a copy of the
+correspondence.... Yes, it is all admitted, my lord.) I'll read it to
+you. (_Reads it._) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually
+consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer
+to your family upon your marriage with the plaintiff? Be careful what
+you say.... And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance?...
+Then was there a word of truth in all that?... I thought as much. Let me
+read you another letter. (_He reads._) Here, you see, you make quite
+another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer the
+plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or "_sateen_," as you call it.
+Have you ever contracted an infant marriage in India?... Oh, that _is_
+true, is it? But why, when you were paying these attentions to the
+plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a
+married man?... "You don't know?" May it not have been because you were
+a widower? Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this
+letter?... Then why did you write of her as if she were alive?... I
+quite believe _that_--but why were you so anxious to break it off just
+then?... Well, when you were cross-examining the plaintiff you asked her
+about a certain china ornament you had given her, which seems to have
+been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her
+name here--but you made her acquaintance some time after your
+engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you
+have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers,
+weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch
+gentleman at the present moment--I'm putting it to you that, at the time
+you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed
+the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the
+honour of being the second Mrs JABBERJEE.... I am not suggesting that
+you could help it--but wasn't it so?... Very well--that is all I have to
+ask you Mr JABBERJEE. You can go....
+
+I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters
+did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I
+have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not
+worth a candle to call any further witnesses--especially as Hon'ble
+CUMMERBUND has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for
+Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such
+violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court.
+
+So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly
+secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as
+Cock of the Roost.
+
+Only I regret that JESSIMINA'S visage is now completely invisible to me,
+being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry
+on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional
+adviser--which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and
+Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL!
+
+
+
+
+XXXI
+
+_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to
+    a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C.,
+    addresses the Jury in reply._
+
+
+My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the
+literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble
+idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.--H. B. J.
+
+      VERBATIM REPORT (_unofficial_).
+
+_Baboo Jab._ May it please your mighty honour and great notorious
+gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to
+behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the _locus
+standi_ of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as
+a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking
+visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your
+unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine
+wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the _ad captandum_ charms of feminine
+cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely
+dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered
+and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, he would infallibly
+have testified--
+
+_The Judge._ As you did not think proper--no doubt for excellent
+reasons--to put Sir CHETWYND in the box when you could have done so, Mr
+JABBERJEE, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now
+upon the evidence he might or might not have given.
+
+_Baboo J._ I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's
+argument. The fact is, that the said Sir CUMMERBUND, on hearing my
+answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my
+friend WITHERINGTON'S cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I
+had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be
+excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in
+this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me
+to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact
+that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by
+haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For
+how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked
+and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate
+for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did
+remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks--until I
+encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the
+Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I
+left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on
+very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent
+young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and
+solicitude between two stools! (_Roars of laughter._) Misters, like the
+frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:--"for
+you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious
+affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that
+she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I
+made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a
+superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug
+for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my
+unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears
+to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in
+flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor!
+(_Sensation._)
+
+_Witherington, Q.C._ (_rising_). My lord, I really must protest. There
+is absolutely _no_ justification for the defendant's outrageous
+insinuation. I am informed by Miss MANKLETOW that she simply asked the
+gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!
+
+_The Judge._ I fail to see, Mr JABBERJEE, what advantage you can hope
+to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my
+immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the
+trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.
+
+_Bab. J._ I am highly satisfied by your lordship's _obiter dictum_. Not
+being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was
+misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before
+again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of
+plaintiff's _bona fides_ in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse.
+Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal
+of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and
+business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws
+of country or _vice versa_, to take to myself a single additional native
+wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without
+prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a
+rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of
+such a gifted horse as myself. (_Great laughter, and some sensation in
+Court as ~JABBERJEE~ sits down._)
+
+_Witherington, Q.C._ Your lordship will see that this--ah--rather
+unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the
+plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (_The Judge nods:
+breathless excitement in Court while the plaintiff's solicitor carries
+on an animated conversation with ~Mr W.~ in undertones._)
+
+_Witherington_ (_rising once more_). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my
+duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which
+the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is
+the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the
+circumstances. (_~JAB.~ beams._) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone
+the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be
+called upon to endure (_"Hear, hear!" from ~JAB.~_), and out of that
+ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed.
+
+I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy
+sentiments of rancour or revenge. (_~JAB.~ beams more effulgently
+still._)
+
+_But_, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman
+may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which
+she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impassable
+barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them!
+(_~JAB.'S~ smile becomes a trifle less assured._)
+
+[Illustration: "JABBERJEE'S FACE GRADUALLY LENGTHENS."]
+
+After the disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to
+evade his obligations; his disingenuous defences; his insulting
+innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in
+that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has
+painted of the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, I ask
+you, gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceivable
+that the plaintiff can retain any respect or affection for him, or have
+sufficient courage and confidence to entrust her happiness to such
+hands? (_~JAB.'S~ face gradually lengthens._)
+
+Once, it is true, under the glamour of her own girlish illusions, she
+was ready to expatriate herself, to endure an alien existence, and
+strange manners and customs for his beloved sake; but now, now that her
+ideal is shattered, her dream dispelled,--now, it is too late!
+Gentlemen, my client's answer is--and it is one which will only command
+your increased respect:--"No. He has broken my heart, undermined my
+belief in human nature, cast a blight upon my existence. (_~Miss M.~ sobs
+audibly, here, and ~JAB.~ is visibly affected._) Much as I should like to
+recover my old belief in him, much as it would be to my worldly
+advantage to marry a wealthy Bengali barrister with talents and
+influence which are certain to lead to rapid promotion in his native
+land (_~JAB.~ bows, and then shakes his head in protest_), he has made me
+suffer too much, I cannot accept him now!"
+
+(_The learned Counsel then dealt exhaustively with various portions of
+the case, and concluded thus._) Well, gentlemen, I shall not have to
+trouble you with many further remarks, but I will just say this before I
+sit down:--The defendant amongst innumerable other ingenious excuses,
+has pleaded for your indulgence on the score of poverty. He has the
+brazen effrontery to plead poverty, forsooth! after complacently
+admitting, in that box, that he is earning at this very moment an income
+by his pen alone that might be envied by many a hardworking English
+journalist! I do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the
+defendant; on the contrary, gentlemen, I consider it does credit to his
+ability and enterprise. (_~JAB.~ bows again._) But at the same time it
+disposes effectually of his allegation that he is without means, and
+indeed, leaving his literary gains entirely out of the question, it must
+have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of
+living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary
+resources. Bearing this in mind, gentlemen, I ask you to mark your sense
+of his heartless treatment of the plaintiff, and the mental and social
+injury she has suffered on his account, by awarding her substantial
+damages; not, I need scarcely say, in any spirit of vindictiveness, but
+as some compensation (however inadequate) for all she has gone through,
+and also as a warning to other ingratiating but unprincipled Orientals
+that they cannot expect to trifle with the artless affection of our
+generous, warmhearted English maidens without paying--aye, and paying
+dearly, too! for the amusement. (_He sits down amidst applause._)
+
+NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--Hon'ble Judge is to sum up after lunch. I am
+highly pained and disappointed that my friend WITHERINGTON should have
+shown himself a perfidious, and have taken the liberty as he quitted the
+Court to murmur the plaintive remonstrance of "_Et tu, Brute!_" into the
+cavity of his left ear.
+
+My solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, is of the opinion that my case is looking
+"a bit rocky," but that much will depend upon how the Judge sums up.
+What a pity that, owing to judicial red-tapery, I am prohibited from
+popping in upon him at lunch and importuning him to pronounce a decree
+in my favour!
+
+
+
+
+XXXII
+
+_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many
+    Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr
+    Jabberjee's final farewell._
+
+
+    _Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2 P.M.
+
+Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL is now summing-up, in such very nice, chatty,
+confidential style that it is impossible to hear one half of his
+observations, while the remainder is totally inaudible.... Nevertheless,
+I already gather that he regards the affair with the restricted
+narrowminded view that it is simply the question of damages.... He
+appears to be now discussing whether my testimony that I am of such
+excessive natural funkiness as to be intimidated by a few threats into
+my matrimonial engagement is humanly credible.... I cannot at all
+comprehend why, at his frequent references to my alleged
+tiger-slaughters--which, with shrewd commonsense sapience, he seems to
+consider mere ideally fabricated fibs and fanciful yarns--the whole
+Court should be so convulsed with unmeaning merriment, nor why so stern
+a Judge does not make any attempt to check such disorderly
+interruptions....
+
+So far as my imperfect hearing can ascertain, he has been instructing
+the jury that they may utterly dismiss from their minds my highly
+ingenious plea of inability to offer any other kind of matrimony than a
+polygamous union--surely, a very, very slipshod off-hand method of
+disposing of such a nice sharp quillet of the Law!... He is talking to
+them about my means, and has thrown out a rather apt suggestion that I
+may have been led by sheer vaingloriousness and Oriental love of
+hyperbole into exaggerating my resources.... However, he "sees no reason
+to doubt my competence to pay a reasonable amount of damages"--an
+opinion with which I am not so pleased. "If the jury think me a gay sort
+of Hindoo deceiver, who has heartlessly trifled with the affections of a
+simple, unsuspecting English girl, that will lead them to award
+substantial damages. If, on the other hand, they consider myself an
+inexperienced Oriental ninnyhammer of a fellow, who has been entrapped
+into an engagement by an ambitious, artful young woman--why, that may
+incline them to inflict a merely nominal penalty." (But why, I should
+like to know, does a Judge, who is infinitely more capable than a dozen
+doltish juryman to express a decided opinion, thus put on the
+double-faced mask of ambiguity, and run with the hare and halloo with
+the hounds, like some Lukeworm from Laodicea?) ... Now he is mentioning
+"certain circumstances, which he is bound to tell the jury have made a
+strong impression on his own mind." ... Alack, that, owing to the
+incorrigible mumbling of his diction, I cannot succeed in ascertaining
+what these said circumstances are!... He has begun (I think) to
+discourse concerning my latest offer of marriage in open Court. What a
+pity that hon'ble judges should not study to acquire at least ordinary
+proficiency in such a simple affair as Elocution!
+
+"It may strike you, gentlemen, that if the plaintiff had any genuine
+affection for the defendant, or any actual intention of linking her lot
+with his, she would----" (the rest is a severe mumble!) "Or again, you
+may take into consideration----" (but precisely _what_ they are to take
+is, to myself, a dumb show!). "Still, after making every possible
+allowance for the idealising effects of the tender passion upon the
+female judgment, I confess I find it a little difficult to persuade
+myself that----" (Again I am not in at the finish--but, from the
+bristling and tossing of JESSIMINA'S hat-plumes, I am in great hopes
+that it contained something complimentary to myself.) ... He has just
+concluded with the observation that, "after what they have seen and
+heard of the defendant during the proceedings, the jury should find
+little difficulty in arriving at a fairly accurate estimate of the loss
+which a young lady of British birth and bringing-up would sustain by
+her failure to secure such a husband."
+
+From the last it is clear that his hon'ble lordship meant that, in
+secret, he has the highest opinion of my merits, though he entirely
+overlooked the obvious fact that he would have better carried out his
+benevolent and patronising intentions towards me by affecting (just now)
+to consider me only a worthless poor chap. But even the most
+subtly-trained European intellects are curiously backward in such
+elementary chicaneries!
+
+3 P.M.--The jury are assembling their heads. They seem generally
+agreed--except a couple of stout ones who are lolling back and listening
+with mulish simpers. If I were certain that they were fellow-colleagues
+from _Punch_, I would encourage them by secret signs to persevere--but
+who knows that they may not be partisans of the plaintiff? If so, they
+deserve to be condignly punished for such obstinate dull-headedness....
+The foreman has asked that they may retire, whereupon Justice
+HONEYGALL answers them, "certainly," and retires his own person
+contemporaneously....
+
+3.15 P.M.--The jury are still absentees. In reply to my questions, my
+solicitor says that, as far as he can see, the damages can't be under
+L250, and may amount to a cold "Thou" (or thousand)! Adding that, if I
+had only let him brief WITHERINGTON, Q.C., I might have got off with
+L50, or even what is nominally called a farthing. But I say to him, in
+such a case how could I possibly have acquired any forensic distinction?
+To which he has no reply ready.
+
+3.30.--The jury are still delayed by the two stouts. I have just
+attempted to chat over the affair with JESSIMINA and Madame MANKLETOW,
+and ascertain whether the former will not accept myself at the eleventh
+hour as payment in full of all damages, costs, &c. Mrs M. replies that
+the jurymen are notoriously in favour of her daughter, and that she
+would as soon see her in gates of grave as the bride of a black man. On
+closer approach to JESSIMINA, I have made the rather disenchanting
+discovery that she has rendered her nose lilac from too much superfluity
+of face-powder. Perhaps, after all, the damages may not be so very....
+The jury are coming back. Hon'ble Judge is fetched hurriedly.... Mister
+Associate asks: "Have you agreed upon your verdict?" Answered that they
+have. "Do they find for plaintiff or defendant?" "For plaintiff." And
+the damages? "_Twenty-five Thou!!!_" My stars! O Gemini! Who'd have
+thought it? My Progenitor will never pay the piper for such an
+atrociously cacophonous tune.... I am a done-for!
+
+3.35.--All right. I was deceived by aural incorrectness. It is not
+twenty-five _thou._--but twenty-five _pounds_!
+
+3.45.--Hiphussar! Cockadoodledoo! A mere bite from a flea!... The
+plaintiff has fallen into hystericals from disappointed
+avariciousness.... There is some idle talk about costs following the
+event, and certifying for a special jury--a luxury for which it seems I
+am not to fork out. The case is over.
+
+       *     *     *     *     *
+
+Outside in the corridor and hall I was the cynosure of neighbouring
+eyes, and vociferously applauded as a "good old nigger," and told that
+"now they _shouldn't_ be long," though for what else they were waiting I
+could not learn. Madame MANKLETOW did overtake me near the doors and
+invite me to tea and talk in a coffee and bun emporium, hinting that she
+had recently misunderstood the state of her daughter's heart, and that
+she had in reality been ardently desirous from the first to accept my
+offer. To which I replied that the gates of grave were now hermetically
+closed, and that the plaintiff, like the fabulous canine, had thrown
+away the meaty bone of a first-class opportunity in exchange for the
+rather flimsy and shadowy form of a twenty-five pound note. But, as a
+chivalrous, I refrained from saying that I had been thus totally put off
+by an over-powdered nose.
+
+Then I proceeded, amidst cheering populaces, up Chancery Lane to a
+certain Bar, wherein young HOWARD regaled myself and solicitor very
+handsomely upon anchovy sandwiches and champagne-wine, after which I
+returned to Hereford Road full of ovation and cheerfulness.
+
+It is practically certain that my sire, the Mooktear, will cockahoop
+with paternal pride on hearing by telegram of my moral victory, and
+celebrate same with fireworks and festivities, besides sending ample
+remittances for all costs out of pocket, &c.
+
+So I am now to return shortly to Calcutta, when my time will be too
+exclusively taken up with forensic triumphs for any further jotting or
+tittling for _Punch_, or similar periodicals.
+
+After all, for a fellow who is able to enchant multitudes, and persuade
+their intellects and reasoning faculties by dint of golden verbolatory
+of diction, mere sedentary journalism is a very mediocre and poorly-paid
+pursuit!
+
+Notwithstanding my cessation as a contributor, I shall, on arriving in
+India, infallibly recommend _Punch_ to all my innumerable aunts,
+families, and friends, as a highly respectable periodical--provided that
+the munificent and free-hearted generosity of those Hon'ble Misters, the
+Editor and Proprietors, shall account me worthy to draw a monthly
+retiring pension for my distinguished services.
+
+And, with prostrated respects to my honoured readers and their
+respective relatives, I have the honour to remain, ever and anon,
+
+Their Excellencies most grateful,
+      humble, and obedient servant,
+            H. B. J.
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+THE TEMPLE PRESS, PRINTERS, LETCHWORTH
+
+[Transcriber's Notes:
+
+Table of Contents corrections (page iv):
+  XXIX: opening changed to Opening to match text:
+  _Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~
+    Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._           235
+
+  XXXII: readers changed to Readers to match text:
+  _Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which
+    many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened
+    resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._                  265
+
+Illustration captions changed in List of Illustrations (pages v-vi):
+  "Let out! let out!!" changed to "Let out! Let out!!"
+    to reflect text.
+  "Huzza! tol-de-rol-loll!" changed to "Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"
+    to reflect text.
+  "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairy-like Miss
+    Wee-wee." changed to "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove
+    to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee." to reflect text.
+
+Chapter I, punctuation (page 1):
+  Changed : to ; to match TOC: "Mr Jabberjee apologises for
+    the unambitious scope of his work;"
+
+Chapter IV, capitalization (page 30):
+  CO. changed to Co. for consistency: "Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER
+    and GREUZY and Co. predominated as Old Masters."
+
+Chapter V, spelling (page 33):
+  Jessiminia to Jessimina: "In consequence of the increasing demands
+    of the incomparable Miss JESSIMINA"
+
+Chapter VI, spelling (page 46):
+  Mankeltow to Mankletow: "and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were
+    similarly imperceptible."
+
+Chapter X, spelling (pages 75, 78):
+  Jaberjee to Jabberjee: "Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight."
+  fame to flame: "some, secreting their cigars in the
+    hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find
+    it flame;"
+
+Chapter XIII, spelling (page 96):
+  bethrothal to betrothal: "My preceding article announced the
+    important intelligence of my betrothal"
+
+Chapter XV, spelling (page 117):
+  turqoise to turquoise: "Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified
+    until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best
+    English workmanship,"
+
+Chapter XVI, spelling (page 125):
+  Allbutt-Innet changed to Allbutt-Innett: "Consequently I did
+    cock-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from my friend
+    ALLBUTT-INNETT,"
+
+Chapter XIX, illustration caption (page 151):
+  period changed to exclamation point to reflect text: "Pitch it
+    strong, my respectable Sir!"
+
+Chapter XXVIII, subheading punctuation (page 225):
+  "No. ----." changed to "No. ----," for consistency in text.
+
+End of Transcriber's Notes.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Baboo Jabberjee, B.A., by F. Anstey
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