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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Romany Rye, by George Borrow, Edited by
+John Sampson
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Romany Rye
+       A Sequel to 'Lavengro'
+
+
+Author: George Borrow
+
+Editor: John Sampson
+
+Release Date: April 14, 2008  [eBook #25071]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROMANY RYE***
+
+
+Transcribed from by the 1903 Methuen & Co. edition by David Price, email
+ccx074@pglaf.org.  Many thanks to Norfolk and Norwich Millennium Library,
+UK, for kindly supplying the images from which this transcription was made.
+
+
+
+
+
+                                   THE
+                                ROMANY RYE
+
+
+                          A Sequel to 'Lavengro'
+
+                                   _By_
+                              GEORGE BORROW
+
+                     _WITH NOTES AND AN INTRODUCTION_
+                             BY JOHN SAMPSON
+
+                          _WITH A FRONTISPIECE_
+
+                                  LONDON
+                              METHUEN & CO.
+                          36, ESSEX STREET, W.C.
+                                MDCCCCIII
+
+                        [Picture: Bushbury Church]
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+'Lavengro' and 'The Romany Rye' are one book, though the former was
+published in 1851 and the latter not until 1857.  After a slumber of six
+years the dingle re-awakes to life, Lavengro's hammer shatters the
+stillness, and the blaze of his forge again lights up its shadows, while
+all the strange persons of the drama take up their parts at the point
+where the curtain had been so abruptly rung down.  The post-chaise
+overturned in the last chapter of 'Lavengro' is repaired in the first of
+this sequel, the Man in Black proceeds with his interrupted disquisition,
+and Borrow resumes his cold-blooded courtship of poor Isopel, playing
+with her feelings as a cat with a mouse.  The dingle episode is divided
+equally between the two works; and had not 'Glorious John,' after a
+series of peremptory notes from the author, at last consented to publish
+'The Romany Rye' 'to oblige Mr. Borrow,' we had lost some of the most
+delightful scenes of which that enchanted spot was the theatre.
+
+What part of this narrative is _Dichtung _and what is _Wahrheit _has been
+a debated question.  In his chapter on pseudo-critics in the appendix to
+the present book, Borrow denies that he ever called 'Lavengro' an
+autobiography, or authorized any other person to call it so.  But it had
+been advertised for some months as, 'Lavengro: an Autobiography'; while
+as early as 1843 Borrow writes to Murray that he is engaged upon his
+life; and as late as 1862, in an account of himself written for Mr. John
+Longe of Norwich, Borrow says that 'in 1851 he published "Lavengro," a
+work in which he gives an account of his early life.'  There is indeed no
+doubt that the earlier part of 'Lavengro' is, in the main, a true history
+of the life and adventures of George Borrow, however embellished here or
+there with Borrovian touches; it is only of the truth of the occurrences
+just before and after leaving London that scepticism has been expressed.
+Borrow's story, however, is so circumstantial that we should at least be
+able to discover whether this part of his history is credible and
+consistent.
+
+Plainly, the year when Borrow leaves London is 1825.  'Somewhat more than
+a year before,' in March (or rather April) {0a} of the year of Byron's
+funeral, {0b} he had entered the 'Big City,' a youth verging on manhood.
+In his preface to 'Lavengro' he speaks of the time as embracing 'nearly
+the first quarter of the present century,' and in 'The Romany Rye' refers
+to having edited the _Newgate Chronicle _some months ago. {0c}  We know
+also that his youthful contributions to literature ceased with his
+translation of Klinger's 'Faustus,' published on April 18, 1825.  About
+this time, then, when Borrow was literally reduced to his last shilling,
+he describes himself as visiting a fair in the neighbourhood of London.
+He refuses a loan of 50 pounds from Jasper Petulengro, and, returning
+homewards, notices in a publisher's window a request for a tale or novel.
+Subsisting on bread and water, he writes in a week the 'Life of Joseph
+Sell,' for which he receives 20 pounds, and twelve days after attending
+the fair leaves London.  Passing through Salisbury, he travels northward
+and encamps in a dingle, where he is poisoned by his old enemy Mrs.
+Herne.  Saved by the timely intervention of a methodist preacher and his
+wife, he recovers on the following day (Sunday), and nine days later
+accompanies his friends to the Welsh border.  Here he again meets Jasper,
+returning with him the greater part of the day's journey, settling in
+'Mumpers' Dingle,' where he is visited by his gypsy friends, four days
+before the Sunday upon which they all attend church.
+
+A casual remark of Mr. Petulengro's on this occasion affords a valuable
+clue to the precise date.  'Any news stirring, Mr. Petulengro?' said
+Borrow; 'have you heard anything of the great religious movements?'
+'Plenty,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'all the religious people, more especially
+the evangelicals, those who go about distributing tracts, are very angry
+about the fight between Gentleman Cooper and White-headed Bob, which they
+say ought not to have been permitted to take place; and then they are
+trying all they can to prevent the fight between the lion and the dogs,
+which they say is a disgrace to a Christian country.'  The prize-fight
+between Baldwin and Cooper was fought on Tuesday, July 5, 1825, near
+Maidenhead.  The combat between the lion, Nero, and six dogs took place
+at Warwick on Tuesday, July 26, and for months beforehand had been the
+subject of much discussion in the London and provincial press. {0d}  The
+Wednesday, therefore, when the gypsies visited Borrow in the dingle must
+have fallen between these two events--_i.e._, must have been the 6th,
+13th, or 20th of July.  The fair to the south-east of London, towards
+which Borrow was attracted by a huge concourse of people, all moving in
+the same direction, is unmistakably the Greenwich Fair, held on
+Whit-Monday, May 23, 1825. {0e}  He must, then, have set out after this
+date, and on a Tuesday, as we calculate by reckoning backwards from the
+first Sunday passed with Peter Williams.  The gypsies' visit occurred on
+the 58th day of his tour, so that he must have left London on Tuesday,
+May 24, 1825, since to have started on any later day would have carried
+him beyond the date of the lion fight.
+
+From these data we can now construct an exact diary of Borrow's
+adventures, from the day on which he left London to that on which he
+arrived at the posting-inn on the Great North Road.
+
+
+
+Diary.
+
+
+1st day [Tuesday, May 24, 1825].  Leaves London, afternoon; walks nine
+miles S.W.; takes coach to [Amesbury].
+
+2nd day [Wednesday, May 25].  Arrives [Amesbury] before dawn; sees
+Stonehenge; crosses Avon; descends to City of the Spire [Salisbury].
+
+3rd day [Thursday, May 26].  Salisbury.
+
+4th day [Friday, May 27].  Leaves Salisbury; walks N.W., about twelve
+miles to small town [? Heytesbury].
+
+5th to 8th day [Saturday, May 28, to Tuesday, May 31].  Walks N.W.,
+twenty to twenty-five miles per day.
+
+9th day [Wednesday, June 1].  About two reaches small town, meets author
+and accompanies him home (two miles off main road).
+
+10th day [Thursday, June 2].  Rev. Mr. Platitude visits author, Borrow
+leaves early; walks N. for two hours; buys Slingsby's pony and cart;
+afternoon travels N.W.; late at night arrives at a dingle [in
+Shropshire].
+
+11th day [Friday, June 3].  Learning tinkering in dingle.
+
+12th to 14th day [Saturday, June 4, to Monday, June 6].  Tinkering in
+dingle. {0f}
+
+15th day [Tuesday, June 7].  Visited by Leonora.
+
+16th day [Wednesday, June 8].  Collects kettles to mend.
+
+17th to 18th day [Thursday, June 9, to Friday, June 10].  Uneventful.
+
+19th day [Saturday, June 11].  Poisoned by Mrs. Herne's cake; saved by
+intervention of Welsh preacher and his wife; travels with them by night.
+
+20th day [Sunday, June 12].  Peter Williams preaches; Borrow bathes;
+meets the dairyman's daughter.
+
+21st day [Monday, June 13].  Uneventful.
+
+22nd day [Tuesday, June 14].  Peter promises to tell his tale.
+
+23rd to 24th day [Wednesday, June 15, to Thursday, June 16].  Uneventful.
+
+25th day [Friday, June 17].  Peter tells his tale.
+
+26th day [Saturday, June 18].  Peter tranquillized.
+
+27th day [Sunday, June 19].  Peter preaches.
+
+28th day [Monday, June 20].  Borrow talks of departing.
+
+29th day [Tuesday, June 21].  Accompanies preacher and wife to Welsh
+border; meets Mr. Petulengro; returns with him; parts near the Silent
+Woman; settles in Mumper's Dingle.
+
+30th to 32nd day [Wednesday, June 22, to Friday, June 24].  Practises
+making horse-shoes.
+
+33rd day [Saturday, June 25].  Succeeds (after four days); at evening the
+horrors.
+
+34th day [Sunday, June 26].  Better; reads Welsh Bible.
+
+35th day [Monday, June 27].  Uneventful.
+
+36th day [Tuesday, June 28].  Fight with Flaming Tinman; meets Isopel
+Berners, who remains in dingle.
+
+37th day [Wednesday, June 29].  Visits public-house (landlord says fight
+took place day before); meets Man in Black; gives Belle her first
+Armenian lesson; Man in Black visits dingle.
+
+38th to 40th day [Thursday, June 30, to Saturday, July 2].  Uneventful.
+
+41st day [Sunday, July 3].  Landlord tells Borrow of approaching
+cock-fight.
+
+42nd to 43rd day [Monday, July 4, to Tuesday, July 5].  Uneventful.
+
+44th day [Wednesday, July 6].  The cock-fight.
+
+45th to 47th day [Thursday, July 7, to Saturday, July 9]_.  _Uneventful.
+
+48th to 50th day [Sunday, July 10, to Tuesday, July 12].  Landlord's loss
+of cock-fight generally known.
+
+51st day [Wednesday, July 13].  Landlord proposes fight between Borrow
+and Belle.
+
+52nd to 53rd day [Thursday, July 14, to Friday, July 15].  On one of
+these days Man in Black probably visits dingle.
+
+54th to 55th day [Saturday, July 16, to Sunday, July 17].  Uneventful.
+
+56th day [Monday, July 18].  Thunderstorm; postillion's chaise
+overturned.
+
+                         [_End of_ '_Lavengro_.']
+
+NOTE.--The last twenty dates are thus arrived at.  There are two
+references to the lapse of a fortnight since June 29, which was the date
+of Borrow's first visit to the public-house, and of Belle's first
+Armenian lesson.  'In about a fortnight Belle had hung up 100 Haikan
+numerals on the hake of her memory;' while the landlord, on the occasion
+when he suggests a fight between Borrow and Belle, complains that Hunter
+calls _him _an old fool, whereas a fortnight ago it was _he _who called
+Hunter a fool.  The date, then, of this last visit of Borrow's to the
+public-house must have been on or about July 13.  The defeat of the
+landlord's game-cocks has been noised abroad for the past three days
+(July 10, 11, 12), and since the landlord had referred ten days before to
+the fact that the fight was about to come off on the following Wednesday,
+it must have occurred on July 6.  'One day'--not necessarily the 14th or
+15th, but this date is unimportant--the Man in Black revisits the dingle,
+and then follow three uneventful days, on the last evening of which is
+the great thunderstorm (July 18).  Henceforward the daily record is plain
+and straightforward, and definitely fixed by the mention of the Sunday on
+which Borrow and the gypsies attend the church of M--.
+
+                     [_Beginning of_ '_Romany Rye_.']
+
+57th day [Tuesday, July 19].  Makes linchpin; postillion departs;
+evening, Man in Black.
+
+58th day [Wednesday, July 20].  Arrival of gypsies; Belle goes on short
+journey.
+
+59th day [Thursday, July 21].  Gypsies feast at Ursula's wedding.
+
+60th to 61st day [Friday, July 22, to Saturday, July 23].  Uneventful.
+
+62nd day [Sunday, July 24].  Afternoon church at M--; talk with Ursula
+under hedge; Belle returns at night.
+
+63rd day [Monday, July 25].  Landlord in despair; evening, gypsies
+prepare for fair.
+
+64th day [Tuesday, July 26].  Attends fair with gypsies; last view of
+Belle; sees horse.
+
+65th day [Wednesday, July 27].  Gypsies return from fair.
+
+66th to 67th day [Thursday, July 28, to Friday, July 29].  No Belle.
+
+68th day [Saturday, July 30].  Belle's letter; Borrow sleeps soundly.
+
+69th day [Sunday, July 31].  Landlord in luck; horse at public-house;
+Petulengro lends Borrow 50 pounds.
+
+70th day [Monday, August 1].  Buys horse.
+
+71st day [Tuesday, August 2].  Leaves dingle; rescues old man's ass; puts
+up at small inn on the North Road.
+
+72nd day [Wednesday, August 3].  Reaches posting house [Swan Hotel,
+Stafford].
+
+So far as we have proceeded the accuracy of this calculation depends upon
+two dates only.  Can we verify it by establishing the truth of any of the
+events recorded by Borrow?  In reply to my enquiry whether the
+_Wolverhampton Chronicle _contains any reference to a thunderstorm
+occurring on July 18, Mr. J. Elliot, the city librarian replied by
+sending me the following extract from that paper for Wednesday, July 20,
+1825:
+
+    'On Monday afternoon [_i.e._, July 18] three men who were mowing in a
+    field at the Limes, near Seabridge, in this county, took shelter
+    under the hedge from a violent thunderstorm.  They had not been long
+    there before one of them was struck with the electric fluid, causing
+    his immediate death.  The other two men were a short distance from
+    the ill-fated man above mentioned, and were stunned about an hour,
+    but not injured further.'
+
+Again, Borrow mentions attending a horse and cattle fair, in company with
+the gypsies, on the morning of the day when, looking backward toward the
+dingle, he saw Isopel Berners for the last time 'standing at the mouth,
+{0g} the beams of the morning sun shining full on her noble face and
+figure.'  It seems probable that this fair, which took the party about
+two hours to reach, was the Tamworth horse and cattle fair held on July
+26.
+
+Again, Borrow tells us that 'a young moon gave a feeble light,' as he
+mounted the coach to Amesbury, and on May 24 the moon _was _in its first
+quarter. {0h}  The planet Jupiter, too, he could have seen after 10 p.m.
+on June 3, but his reference to the position of Ursus Major on the
+evening of his talk with Ursula is less satisfactory.  'On arriving at
+the mouth of the dingle, which fronted the east, I perceived,' says
+Borrow, 'that Charles's Wain was nearly opposite to it high above in the
+heavens, by which I knew that the night was tolerably well advanced.'
+But on July 24, as I learn, Charles's Wain was in the N.W., and at
+midnight or 1 a.m. lay nearly due north, and as low down in the sky as it
+could be.  This, however, is perhaps to consider too closely.  Indeed,
+the general accuracy of this part of Borrow's story renders it probable
+that it was expanded from a brief diary kept at the time.
+
+It will be seen that the dates thus arrived at differ from those of
+Borrow's biographer.  According to Professor Knapp, {0i} Borrow visits
+Greenwich Fair on May 12, 1825, writes 'Joseph Sell' May 13 to 18, and
+disposes of the MS. on the 20th; leaves London on the 22nd, reaches
+Amesbury on the 23rd; leaves Salisbury May 26, and meets author (man who
+touches) May 30.  On May 31 he buys Slingsby's pony, is in dingle June 1,
+visited by Leonora on the 5th, and drugged by Mrs. Herne on the 8th.  He
+passes Sunday, June 12, and the following week with Peter Williams and
+his wife, on the 21st he sees them to the border, turns back with
+Petulengro and settles in Mumpers' Dingle.  His fight with the Flaming
+Tinman, Professor Knapp tells us, must have occurred about the end of
+June.  The Professor's chronology, however, seems to me derived from a
+calculation--not in itself over-exact {0j}--based upon the erroneous idea
+that the fair took place on May 12. {0k}  This is traceable to a
+statement in Thorpe {0l} that 'the fair lasted as a "hog" and pleasure
+fair, and was held on May 12 and October 11, till 1872'; but Thorpe here
+refers to a later period, and there is no doubt that in 1825 the
+Greenwich Fair was held on Whit-Monday, May 23.
+
+Not the least interesting corollary from this correction is the discovery
+that 'that extraordinary work,' the 'Life of Joseph Sell,' was never
+written.  To me Borrow's insistent iteration of the bare statement that
+he wrote such a book is in itself suspicious, and it _is _not a little
+strange that a work for which 'during the last few months (before August,
+1825) there has been a prodigious demand'{0m} should have entirely
+disappeared from the face of the earth.  The name 'Sell,' which in some
+curious fashion seems to carry conviction to Professor Knapp's mind, {0n}
+seems to me a singularly inauspicious one, especially when coming from a
+writer who, like Pakomovna, was 'born not far from the sign of the
+gammon,' and who boasts in his appendix of having inserted deliberate
+misstatements in his books in order to deceive and mislead his critics.
+{0o}  But why should Borrow pretend to have written this book?  Chiefly,
+I think, to emphasize that independence of character of which he so
+frequently boasts, and which, after his marriage fifteen years later to a
+well-to-do widow, he is perhaps a little apt to antedate. {0p}  However
+Borrow obtained the money which enabled him to leave London, it is plain
+that it was not by writing 'Joseph Sell' at the time and in the manner
+described.  If he were in as desperate circumstances as he represents, he
+probably accepted Mr. Petulengro's offer, {0q} unless we are to suppose
+that he imitated the methods of Jerry Abershaw, Galloping Dick, or some
+of the 'fraternity of vagabonds' whose lives Borrow had chronicled in his
+'Celebrated Trials.'
+
+Borrow's narrative after his arrival at Stafford becomes dull, shadowy,
+and unconvincing--a strong argument against its truth; for while Borrow
+easily lived the life romantic, he seems to have lacked the power to
+imagine it.  He describes himself as accepting a somewhat nondescript
+office at the posting-inn on the Great North Road, where he remains for
+an undefined but considerable period, and meets again with Francis Ardrey
+and the Rev. Mr. Platitude.  On leaving the inn he refuses to accept the
+landlord's offer of an honorarium of 10 pounds, and sets off with _his
+_horse to Horncastle Fair.  He meets with an accident a day's journey
+from his destination, which confines him for eight days in the house of
+the old man who could read Chinese crockery, but could not tell what was
+o'clock.  Ultimately he reaches Horncastle before the end of the fair,
+sells his horse to Jack Dale the jockey, and journeys towards Norwich,
+where we part with him at Spalding.
+
+These statements are mutually irreconcilable.  Horncastle Fair was held
+from August 10 (the Feast of St. Lawrence) to August 21, and had 'just
+begun' on the day following his accident; but, as his journey lasted six
+days, this leaves no time at all for his experiences at the inn, where he
+must have stopped for some weeks, and apparently a much longer period, as
+'a kind of overlooker in the stables.'  If, on the other hand, we allow
+even a fortnight for his stop at the inn, for which 10 pounds would be
+handsome payment, then he could not have arrived at Horncastle before the
+end of the fair.  Which part of his story, if any, are we to accept?
+
+The Stafford story is decidedly weak.  Borrow, being no fool, would not
+have journeyed north for two days on his road to Horncastle, nor would
+Ardrey have taken coach to Stafford _en route _for a lion fight at
+Warwick, which had taken place several days before.  Mr. Platitude's
+reappearance is extremely artificial, and the ostler's tales of Abershaw
+and Co. are obviously reminiscences of Borrow's 'Celebrated Trials.'  But
+the Horncastle story is weaker still.  The 'Lord'-Lieutenant, _so _free
+and young,' is pilloried, because eighteen years afterwards _he _did not
+see _his _way to make Borrow a J.P. (Who would?)  Murtagh is introduced
+merely as a lay figure, upon which to drape an inverted account of
+Borrow's own travels at a later period; and that very tedious gentleman,
+the tall Hungarian, _is _a character, Professor Knapp tells us, whom
+Borrow met in Hungary or Wallachia in 1884.  It is plain that at this
+point the whole story has become what Borrow calls a 'fakement.'
+
+But that Borrow _did _buy a horse with money lent by Petulengro, and sold
+it at a profit, we have some reason to credit.  Nearly ten years before
+Borrow wrote 'The Romany Rye,' in the second edition of his 'Zincali,'
+published in 1843, he quotes a speech of Mr. Petulengro's 'on the day
+after _mol-divvus_, {0r} 1842.'  'I am no _hindity mush_, {0s} as you
+well know,' says Jasper.  'I suppose you have not forgot, how, fifteen
+years ago, when you made horse-shoes in the little dingle by the side of
+the Great North Road, I lent you fifty _cottors_ {0t} to purchase the
+wonderful trotting cob of the innkeeper with the green Newmarket coat,
+which three days later you sold for two hundred.'  This earlier version
+seems more probably the true one, and since three days would find Borrow
+in Stafford, it seems reasonable to conclude that he sold his horse there
+and not in Lincolnshire.  Personally, however, I must confess to feeling
+little interest in the fate of the animal--Belle's donkey were a dearer
+object.
+
+Mumpers' Dingle might well become the Mecca of true Borrovians, could we
+but determine the authentic spot.  Somewhere or other--who will find it
+for us?--in west central Shropshire {0u} is a little roadside inn called
+the Silent Woman; {0v} a little further to the east is a milestone on the
+left hand side, and a few yards from the milestone the cross-road where
+Petulengro parted from Borrow.  Ten miles further still is a town, and
+five miles from the town the famous dingle.  Mr. Petulengro describes it
+as 'surprisingly dreary'; 'a deep dingle in the midst of a large field
+about which there has been a law-suit for some years past; the nearest
+town five miles distant, and only a few huts and hedge public-houses in
+the neighbourhood;' {0w} and Borrow speaks of it as 'a deep hollow in the
+midst of a wide field; the shelving sides overgrown with trees and
+bushes, a belt of sallows surrounding it on the top, and a steep winding
+path leading down into the depths.' {0x}  It was surrounded by a copse of
+thorn bushes, {0y} and the mouth of the dingle fronted the east, {0z}
+while the highroad lay too far distant for the noise of traffic to reach
+Borrow's ears. {0z1}
+
+Professor Knapp has located the dingle in Monmer Lane, Willenhall, and a
+visit to the locality and references to old and new ordnance surveys
+support this view.  Willenhall lies in the coal measures of
+Staffordshire, and the modern development of its coal and iron industries
+has transformed the 'few huts and hedge public-houses' into a thriving
+town of about 17,000 inhabitants.  The name of 'Mumpers' Dingle' did not
+seem to be locally recognised, and, indeed, was scornfully repudiated by
+the oldest inhabitant; but this may have been merely his revenge for my
+intrusion just about his dinner hour.  But Monmer Lane, still pronounced
+and in the older ordnance surveys written 'Mumber Lane,' is known to all.
+At the top of this lane on the east side of the bridge lies the 'Monmer
+Lane Ironworks,' which Professor Knapp, a little carelessly, assumes to
+have been the site of the dingle; {0z2} and to the west a large flat,
+bare, uncultivated piece of land, Borrow's 'plain,' cut in two by the
+Bentley Canal, which runs through it east and west.  A walk of 500 yards
+along the tow-path brings us to a small bridge crossing the canal.  This
+is known as 'Dingle Bridge,' the little hawthorn-girt lane leading to it
+is called 'Dingle Lane,' and a field opposite bears the name of 'Dingle
+Piece.'  The dingle itself has disappeared, possibly as a consequence of
+levelling operations in the construction of the canal, and must not be
+hastily identified by the pilgrim with the adjoining marl-pit, which has
+been excavated still more recently.  But we can hardly doubt that
+somewhere hereabouts is the historic spot where Borrow fought and
+vanquished the Flaming Tinman, that here he lived with Miss Berners 'in
+an uncertificated manner,' that under an adjoining thorn-bush he held his
+astounding conversation with Ursula, and that from here, wearied of her
+companion's frigid regard and strange bantering, poor Isopel turned away
+with her little donkey-cart and a heavy heart.
+
+The public-house kept by the landlord in the green Newmarket coat, who
+was 'the wonder and glory of the neighbourhood,' and who had fought and
+beaten 'Tom of Hopton,' is still standing, though it is no longer used as
+an inn, and the pious Borrovian must abandon any hopes he may have
+cherished of drinking to the Lavengro's memory in 'hard old ale.'  A
+quaint old 'half-way house,' it lies, as Borrow describes, about two
+miles east of the dingle--he saw the setting sun as he returned from his
+frequent visits there--on the right-hand side of the highroad to Walsall,
+along which the brewer proposed to establish 'a stage-coach and three to
+run across the country', and a little nearer Willenhall, on the north
+side of the road, is Bentley Hall, the 'hall' from which the postillion
+must have been returning when overtaken by the thunderstorm.  The church
+attended by Borrow and his gypsy friends, when Mrs. Petulengro horrified
+the sexton by invading the nobleman's vacant pew, may confidently be
+identified with Bushbury Church, which has all the features described by
+Borrow.  It is rather over three miles' distance from the dingle, has a
+peal of bells, a chancel entrance, and is surrounded by lofty
+beech-trees.  The vicar in 1825 was a Mr. Clare, but whether of
+evangelical views and a widower with two daughters, the present vicar is
+unable to inform me.  'The clergyman of M--, as they call him,' probably
+took his name from Moseley Court or Moseley Hall, country seats in the
+parish of Bushbury.
+
+It is as a contribution to philology, Borrow tells us in the Appendix,
+that he wishes 'Lavengro' and this book to be judged.  Fortunately for
+himself, his fame rests upon surer foundations.  A great but careless
+linguist, Borrow was assuredly no philologist.  'Hair-erecting'
+(_haarstraubend_) is the fitting epithet which an Oriental scholar,
+Professor Richard Pischel, of Berlin, finds to describe Borrow's
+etymologies; while Pott, in quoting from the 'Zincali,' indicates his
+horror by notes of exclamation; or, when Borrow once in a way hits on the
+right etymon, confirms the statement with an ironical 'Ganz recht!'
+Though Borrow had read Borde, it was reserved for a Viennese scholar, Dr.
+Zupitza, to discover that the specimens of 'Egipt speche,' in our
+original Merry-Andrew's 'Boke of Knowledge,' were in reality good
+Anglo-Romany.  And whatever may have been Lavengro's vaunted acquaintance
+with Armenian, it was apparently insufficient to enable him to identify
+any of the Armenian elements in the gypsy language.
+
+Touching Borrow's knowledge of Romani, it must be confessed that while he
+has been the means of attracting others to the study of that interesting
+tongue, his own command of it was of the slightest.  He never mastered
+'deep' (or inflected) Romani, and even his broken gypsy is a curious
+Borrovian variety, distinct from the idiom of the tents.  No gypsy ever
+uses _chal _or _engro _as a separate word, or talks of the _dukkering
+dook _or _of penning a dukkerin_.  His genders are perversely incorrect,
+as in the title of the present book; and his 'Romano Lavo-Lil: Word Book
+of the Romany or English Gypsy Language' probably contains more 'howlers'
+than any other vocabulary in the world.  He is responsible for the
+creation of such ghost-words as _asarlas_, 'at all, in no manner'
+(mistaking _helpasar les _for _help asarlas_, pp 18, 110); _cappi_,
+'booty, gain' (_to lel cappi_, pp 28, 176 = 'to get blankets'); _ebyok_,
+'sea' (? the gypsy questioned, mishearing 'ebb-eye' for 'ebb-tide');
+_is_, 'if,' p. 51; _kokkodus_, 'uncle' (perhaps mistaking some such
+phrase as 'like my _koko _does' for 'like my _kokkodus_'); _lutherum_,
+'sleep'; _medisin_, 'measure' (perhaps because medicine is measured out);
+_moskey_, 'a spy' (? mistaking _dikamaski _for _dik_! _a moskey)_; _o_,
+'he' (mistaking _kai jivela _for _kai jivvel o_, p. 53); _pahamengro_,
+'turnip' (probably mistaking _pusamengro_, 'pitchfork,' for the turnip it
+was used to uproot); _pazorrhus_, 'indebted' = 'trust us'); _pios_,
+'drunken as a health' (_aukko tu_ [_to_] _pios_, p. 78 = 'here's fun');
+_sar_, 'with'; _sherrafo_, 'religious, converted,' pp. 89, 194 (really
+'chief, principal,' from _shero_, 'head'); _sicovar_, 'eternally' (_si
+covar ajaw_, p. 90 = 'so the thing is'); _sos_, 'who' (= 'what's');
+_talleno_, 'woollen, flannel' (mistaking _talleno chofa_, p. 93,
+'under-skirt' for 'flannel petticoat'), etc.  Perhaps the most amusing
+instance of all is the word _hinjiri _in 'Lavengro.'  When Mrs. Herne
+hanged herself, Petulengro says that she 'had been her own _hinjiri_,'
+{0z3} and the word is explained by Professor Knapp as the feminine of
+_hinjiro_, 'executioner,' from _djandjir_, 'a chain.' {0z4}   But there
+_is _no such word as _hinjero_, and _hinjiri _is merely the English
+'injury' with a superfluous aspirate.
+
+On the Sunday evening after his conversation with Ursula, Borrow, moved
+by his discovery of the original meaning of the gypsy word _patteran_,
+falls into a strange train of thought.  'No one at present,' he says,
+'knew that but myself and Ursula, who had learnt it from Mrs. Herne, the
+last, it was said, of the old stock; and then I thought what strange
+people the gypsies must have been in the old time.  They were
+sufficiently strange at present, but they must have been far stranger of
+old; they must have been a more peculiar people--their language must have
+been more perfect--and they must have had a greater stock of strange
+secrets.  I almost wished that I had lived some two or three hundred
+years ago, that I might have observed these people when they were yet
+stranger than at present.  I wondered whether I could have introduced
+myself to their company at that period, whether I should have been so
+fortunate as to meet such a strange, half-malicious, half good-humoured
+being as Jasper, who would have instructed me in the language, then more
+deserving of note than at present.  What might I not have done with that
+language had I known it in its purity?  Why, I might have written books
+in it!  Yet those who spoke it would hardly have admitted me to their
+society at that period, when they kept more to themselves.  Yet I thought
+that I might possibly have gained their confidence, and have wandered
+about with them, and learnt their language and all their strange ways,
+and then--and then--and a sigh rose from the depth of my breast; for I
+began to think, "Supposing I had accomplished all this, what would have
+been the profit of it? and in what would all this wild gypsy dream have
+terminated?"'
+
+It is one of the ironies of fate that Borrow, neither then nor thirty
+years later, when he made his pedestrian tour through Wales, should have
+known that there was still in that country a gypsy tribe who _had
+_preserved the language of two or three hundred years ago.  He might have
+met gypsies who had spoken to that Romani patriarch Abram Wood; he might
+have told us the origin of the mysterious Ingrams, for one of whom he was
+himself mistaken; {0z5} he might have learned from Black Ellen some of
+the three hundred folk-tales with which she is credited; he might have
+sat at the feet of that fairy witch Alabina the _Meleni_, or have
+described 'Taw' as a girl in her teens.  We may sigh for the pictures
+which the word-master would have given us of this people, but the sigh is
+almost one of relief when we think of the escape of the exquisite tongue
+which Borrow would have tortured and defaced, and I, for one, cannot
+pretend to regret that the discovery of Welsh Romani should have fallen
+instead to the lot of that perfect scholar-gypsy and gypsy-scholar,
+FRANCIS HINDES GROOME.
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+NOTE.--The page references to 'Lavengro' in the foot-notes are to F. H.
+Groome's edition published in this series; references to 'Romano
+Lavo-Lil' and 'Wild Wales' are to the original editions.  Borrow's own
+foot-notes are marked (G. B.), and facts quoted on Professor Knapp's
+authority (Kn.).
+
+
+
+
+ADVERTISEMENT
+
+
+It having been frequently stated in print that the book called 'Lavengro'
+was got up expressly against the Popish agitation in the years 1850-51,
+the author takes this opportunity of saying that the principal part of
+that book was written in the year '43, that the whole of it was completed
+before the termination of the year '46, and that it was in the hands of
+the publisher in the year '48. {0z6}  And here he cannot forbear
+observing, that it was the duty of that publisher to have rebutted a
+statement which he knew to be a calumny; and also to have set the public
+right on another point dealt with in the Appendix to the present work,
+more especially as he was the proprietor of a review enjoying, however
+undeservedly, a certain sale and reputation.
+
+          'But take your own part, boy!
+    For if you don't, no one will take it for you.'
+
+With respect to 'Lavengro,' the author feels that he has no reason to be
+ashamed of it.  In writing that book he did his duty, by pointing out to
+his country-people the nonsense which, to the greater part of them, is as
+the breath of their nostrils, and which, if indulged in, as it probably
+will be, to the same extent as hitherto, will, within a very few years,
+bring the land which he most loves beneath a foreign yoke; he does not
+here allude to the yoke of Rome.
+
+Instead of being ashamed, has he not rather cause to be proud of a book
+which has had the honour of being rancorously abused and execrated by the
+very people of whom the country has least reason to be proud?
+
+                                * * * * *
+
+One day Cogia Efendy went to a bridal festival.  The masters of the
+feast, observing his old and coarse apparel, paid him no consideration
+whatever.  The Cogia saw that he had no chance of notice; so going out,
+he hurried to his house, and, putting on a splendid pelisse, returned to
+the place of festival.  No sooner did he enter the door than the masters
+advanced to meet him, and saying, 'Welcome, Cogia Efendy,' with all
+imaginable honour and reverence, placed him at the head of the table, and
+said, 'Please to eat, Lord Cogia.'  Forthwith the Cogia, taking hold of
+one of the furs of his pelisse, said, 'Welcome, my pelisse; please to
+eat, my lord.'  The masters, looking at the Cogia with great surprise,
+said, 'What are you about?'  Whereupon the Cogia replied, 'As it is quite
+evident that all the honour paid is paid to my pelisse, I think it ought
+to have some food too.'--PLEASANTRIES OF THE COGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+THE MAKING OF THE LINCH-PIN--THE SOUND SLEEPER--BREAKFAST--THE
+POSTILLION'S DEPARTURE
+
+I awoke at the first break of day, and, leaving the postillion fast
+asleep, stepped out of the tent.  The dingle was dank and dripping.  I
+lighted a fire of coals and got my forge in readiness.  I then ascended
+to the field, where the chaise was standing as we had left it on the
+previous evening.  After looking at the cloud-stone near it, now cold,
+and split into three pieces, I set about prying narrowly into the
+condition of the wheel and axle-tree--the latter had sustained no damage
+of any consequence, and the wheel, as far as I was able to judge, was
+sound, being only slightly injured in the box.  The only thing requisite
+to set the chaise in a travelling condition appeared to be a linch-pin,
+which I determined to make.  Going to the companion wheel, I took out the
+linch-pin, which I carried down with me to the dingle, to serve me as a
+model.
+
+I found Belle by this time dressed, and seated near the forge: with a
+slight nod to her like that which a person gives who happens to see an
+acquaintance when his mind is occupied with important business, I
+forthwith set about my work.  Selecting a piece of iron which I thought
+would serve my purpose, I placed it in the fire, and, plying the bellows
+in a furious manner, soon made it hot; then seizing it with the tongs, I
+laid it on my anvil, and began to beat it with my hammer, according to
+the rules of my art.  The dingle resounded with my strokes.  Belle sat
+still, and occasionally smiled, but suddenly started up, and retreated
+towards her encampment, on a spark, which I purposely sent in her
+direction, alighting on her knee.  I found the making of a linch-pin no
+easy matter; it was, however, less difficult than the fabrication of a
+pony-shoe; my work, indeed, was much facilitated by my having another pin
+to look at.  In about three-quarters of an hour I had succeeded tolerably
+well, and had produced a linch-pin which I thought would serve.  During
+all this time, notwithstanding the noise which I was making, the
+postillion never showed his face.  His non-appearance at first alarmed
+me: I was afraid he might be dead, but, on looking into the tent, I found
+him still buried in the soundest sleep.  'He must surely be descended
+from one of the seven sleepers,' said I, as I turned away and resumed my
+work.  My work finished, I took a little oil, leather, and sand, and
+polished the pin as well as I could; then, summoning Belle, we both went
+to the chaise, where, with her assistance, I put on the wheel.  The
+linch-pin which I had made fitted its place very well, and having
+replaced the other, I gazed at the chaise for some time with my heart
+full of that satisfaction which results from the consciousness of having
+achieved a great action; then, after looking at Belle in the hope of
+obtaining a compliment from her lips, which did not come, I returned to
+the dingle, without saying a word, followed by her.  Belle set about
+making preparations for breakfast; and I, taking the kettle, went and
+filled it at the spring.  Having hung it over the fire, I went to the
+tent in which the postillion was still sleeping, and called upon him to
+arise.  He awoke with a start, and stared around him at first with the
+utmost surprise, not unmixed, I could observe, with a certain degree of
+fear.  At last, looking in my face, he appeared to recollect himself.  'I
+had quite forgot,' said he, as he got up, 'where I was, and all that
+happened yesterday.  However, I remember now the whole
+affair--thunder-storm, thunder-bolt, frightened horses, and all your
+kindness.  Come, I must see after my coach and horses.  I hope we shall
+be able to repair the damage.'  'The damage is already quite repaired,'
+said I, 'as you will see, if you come to the field above.'  'You don't
+say so,' said the postillion, coming out of the tent; 'well, I am
+mightily beholden to you.  Good morning, young gentlewoman,' said he,
+addressing Belle, who, having finished her preparations, was seated near
+the fire.  'Good-morning, young man,' said Belle, 'I suppose you would be
+glad of some breakfast; however, you must wait a little, the kettle does
+not boil.'  'Come and look at your chaise,' said I; 'but tell me how it
+happened that the noise which I have been making did not awake you; for
+three-quarters of an hour at least I was hammering close at your ear.'
+'I heard you all the time,' said the postillion, 'but your hammering made
+me sleep all the sounder; I am used to hear hammering in my morning
+sleep.  There's a forge close by the room where I sleep when I'm at home,
+at my inn; for we have all kinds of conveniences at my inn--forge,
+carpenter's shop, and wheelwright's--so that when I heard you hammering,
+I thought, no doubt, that it was the old noise, and that I was
+comfortable in my bed at my own inn.'  We now ascended to the field,
+where I showed the postillion his chaise.  He looked at the pin
+attentively, rubbed his hands, and gave a loud laugh.  'Is it not well
+done?' said I.  'It will do till I get home,' he replied.  'And that is
+all you have to say?' I demanded.  'And that's a good deal,' said he,
+'considering who made it.  But don't be offended,' he added, 'I shall
+prize it all the more for its being made by a gentleman, and no
+blacksmith; and so will my governor, when I show it to him.  I shan't let
+it remain where it is, but will keep it, as a remembrance of you, as long
+as I live.'  He then again rubbed his hands with great glee, and said, 'I
+will now go and see after my horses, and then to breakfast, partner, if
+you please.'  Suddenly, however, looking at his hands, he said, 'Before
+sitting down to breakfast, I am in the habit of washing my hands and
+face: I suppose you could not furnish me with a little soap and water.'
+'As much water as you please,' said I, 'but if you want soap, I must go
+and trouble the young gentlewoman for some.'  'By no means,' said the
+postillion, 'water will do at a pinch.'  'Follow me,' said I, and leading
+him to the pond of the frogs and newts, I said, 'this is my ewer; you are
+welcome to part of it--the water is so soft that it is scarcely necessary
+to add soap to it;' then lying down on the bank, I plunged my head into
+the water, then scrubbed my hands and face, and afterwards wiped them
+with some long grass which grew on the margin of the pond.  'Bravo,' said
+the postillion, 'I see you know how to make a shift:' he then followed my
+example, declared he never felt more refreshed in his life, and, giving a
+bound, said, 'he would go and look after his horses.'
+
+We then went to look after the horses, which we found not much the worse
+for having spent the night in the open air.  My companion again inserted
+their heads in the corn-bags, and, leaving the animals to discuss their
+corn, returned with me to the dingle, where we found the kettle boiling.
+We sat down, and Belle made tea and did the honours of the meal.  The
+postillion was in high spirits, ate heartily, and, to Belle's evident
+satisfaction, declared that he had never drank better tea in his life, or
+indeed any half so good.  Breakfast over, he said that he must now go and
+harness his horses, as it was high time for him to return to his inn.
+Belle gave him her hand and wished him farewell: the postillion shook her
+hand warmly, and was advancing close up to her--for what purpose I cannot
+say--whereupon Belle, withdrawing her hand, drew herself up with an air
+which caused the postillion to retreat a step or two with an exceedingly
+sheepish look.  Recovering himself, however, he made a low bow, and
+proceeded up the path.  I attended him, and helped to harness his horses
+and put them to the vehicle; he then shook me by the hand, and taking the
+reins and whip mounted to his seat; ere he drove away he thus addressed
+me: 'If ever I forget your kindness and that of the young woman below,
+dash my buttons.  If ever either of you should enter my inn you may
+depend upon a warm welcome, the best that can be set before you, and no
+expense to either, for I will give both of you the best of characters to
+the governor, who is the very best fellow upon all the road.  As for your
+linch-pin, I trust it will serve till I get home, when I will take it out
+and keep it in remembrance of you all the days of my life:' then giving
+the horses a jerk with his reins, he cracked his whip and drove off.
+
+I returned to the dingle, Belle had removed the breakfast things, and was
+busy in her own encampment: nothing occurred, worthy of being related,
+for two hours, at the end of which time Belle departed on a short
+expedition, and I again found myself alone in the dingle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+THE MAN IN BLACK--THE EMPEROR OF GERMANY--NEPOTISM--DONNA
+OLYMPIA--OMNIPOTENCE--CAMILLO ASTALLI--THE FIVE PROPOSITIONS
+
+In the evening I received another visit from the man in black.  I had
+been taking a stroll in the neighbourhood, and was sitting in the dingle
+in rather a listless manner, scarcely knowing how to employ myself; his
+coming, therefore, was by no means disagreeable to me.  I produced the
+hollands and glass from my tent, where Isopel Berners had requested me to
+deposit them, and also some lump sugar, then taking the gotch {5a} I
+fetched water from the spring, and, sitting down, begged the man in black
+to help himself; he was not slow in complying with my desire, and
+prepared for himself a glass of hollands and water with a lump of sugar
+in it.  After he had taken two or three sips with evident satisfaction,
+I, remembering his chuckling exclamation of 'Go to Rome for money,' when
+he last left the dingle, took the liberty, after a little conversation,
+of reminding him of it, whereupon, with a he! he! he! he replied, 'Your
+idea was not quite so original as I supposed.  After leaving you the
+other night I remembered having read of an Emperor of Germany who
+conceived the idea of applying to Rome for money, and actually put it
+into practice.
+
+'Urban the Eighth then occupied the papal chair, of the family of the
+Barbarini, {5b} nicknamed the Mosche, or Flies, from the circumstance of
+bees being their armorial bearing.  The Emperor having exhausted all his
+money in endeavouring to defend the church against Gustavus Adolphus, the
+great King of Sweden, who was bent on its destruction, applied in his
+necessity to the Pope for a loan of money.  The Pope, however, and his
+relations, whose cellars were at that time full of the money of the
+church, which they had been plundering for years, refused to lend him a
+scudo; whereupon a pasquinade picture was stuck up at Rome, representing
+the church lying on a bed, gashed with dreadful wounds, and beset all
+over with flies, which were sucking her, whilst the Emperor of Germany
+was kneeling before her with a miserable face requesting a little money
+towards carrying on the war against the heretics, to which the poor
+church was made to say: "How can I assist you, O my champion, do you not
+see that the flies have sucked me to the very bones?"  Which story,' said
+he, 'shows that the idea of going to Rome for money was not quite so
+original as I imagined the other night, though utterly preposterous.
+
+'This affair,' said he, 'occurred in what were called the days of
+nepotism.  Certain Popes, who wished to make themselves in some degree
+independent of the cardinals, surrounded themselves with their nephews,
+and the rest of their family, who sucked the church and Christendom as
+much as they could, none doing so more effectually than the relations of
+Urban the Eighth, at whose death, according to the book called the
+"Nipotismo di Roma," {6a} there were in the Barbarini family two hundred
+and twenty-seven governments, abbeys, and high dignities; and so much
+hard cash in their possession that threescore and ten mules were scarcely
+sufficient to convey the plunder of one of them to Palestrina.'  He
+added, however, that it was probable that Christendom fared better whilst
+the Popes were thus independent, as it was less sucked, whereas before
+and after that period, it was sucked by hundreds instead of tens, by the
+cardinals and all their relations, instead of by the Pope and his nephews
+only.
+
+Then, after drinking rather copiously of his hollands, he said that it
+was certainly no bad idea of the Popes to surround themselves with
+nephews, on whom they bestowed great church dignities, as by so doing
+they were tolerably safe from poison, whereas a Pope, if abandoned to the
+cardinals, might at any time be made away with by them, provided they
+thought that he lived too long, or that he seemed disposed to do anything
+which they disliked; adding that Ganganelli {6b} would never have been
+poisoned provided he had had nephews about him to take care of his life,
+and to see that nothing unholy was put into his food, or a bustling,
+stirring brother's wife like Donna Olympia.  He then, with a he! he! he!
+asked me if I had ever read the book called the 'Nipotismo di Roma,' and
+on my replying in the negative, he told me that it was a very curious and
+entertaining book, which he occasionally looked at in an idle hour, and
+proceeded to relate to me anecdotes out of the 'Nipotismo di Roma,' about
+the successor of Urban, Innocent the Tenth, and Donna Olympia, showing
+how fond he was of her, and how she cooked his food, and kept the
+cardinals away from it, and how she and her creatures plundered
+Christendom, with the sanction of the Pope, until Christendom, becoming
+enraged, insisted that he should put her away, which he did for a time,
+putting a nephew--one Camillo Astalli--in her place, in which, however,
+he did not continue long; for the Pope, conceiving a pique against him,
+banished him from his sight, and recalled Donna Olympia, who took care of
+his food, and plundered Christendom until Pope Innocent died.
+
+I said that I only wondered that between Pope and cardinals the whole
+system of Rome had not long fallen to the ground, and was told in reply
+that its not having fallen was the strongest proof of its vital power,
+and the absolute necessity for the existence of the system.  That the
+system, notwithstanding its occasional disorders, went on.  Popes and
+cardinals might prey upon its bowels, and sell its interests, but the
+system survived.  The cutting off of this or that member was not able to
+cause Rome any vital loss; for, as soon as she lost a member, the loss
+was supplied by her own inherent vitality; though her Popes had been
+poisoned by cardinals, and her cardinals by Popes, and though priests
+occasionally poisoned Popes, cardinals and each other, after all that had
+been and might be, she had still, and would ever have, her priests,
+cardinals, and pope.
+
+Finding the man in black so communicative and reasonable, I determined to
+make the best of my opportunity, and learn from him all I could with
+respect to the papal system, and told him that he would particularly
+oblige me by telling me who the Pope of Rome was, and received for answer
+that he was an old man elected by a majority of cardinals to the papal
+chair; who, immediately after his election, became omnipotent and equal
+to God on earth.  On my begging him not to talk such nonsense, and asking
+him how a person could be omnipotent who could not always preserve
+himself from poison, even when fenced round by nephews, or protected by a
+bustling woman, he, after taking a long sip of hollands and water, told
+me that I must not expect too much from omnipotence.  For example, that
+as it would be unreasonable to expect that One above could annihilate the
+past--for instance, the Seven Years' War, or the French
+Revolution--though anyone who believed in Him would acknowledge Him to be
+omnipotent, so would it be unreasonable for the faithful to expect that
+the Pope could always guard himself from poison.  Then, after looking at
+me for a moment stedfastly and taking another sip, he told me that Popes
+had frequently done impossibilities.  For example, Innocent the Tenth had
+created a nephew; for, not liking particularly any of his real nephews,
+he had created the said Camillo Astalli his nephew; asking me, with a he!
+he! 'What but omnipotence could make a young man nephew to a person to
+whom he was not in the slightest degree related?'  On my observing that
+of course no one believed that the young fellow was really the Pope's
+nephew, though the Pope might have adopted him as such, the man in black
+replied, 'that the reality of the nephewship of Camillo Astalli had
+hitherto never become a point of faith; let, however, the present Pope,
+or any other Pope, proclaim that it is necessary to believe in the
+reality of the nephewship of Camillo Astalli, and see whether the
+faithful would not believe in it.  Who can doubt that,' he added, 'seeing
+that they believe in the reality of the five propositions of Jansenius?
+The Jesuits, wishing to ruin the Jansenists, induced a Pope to declare
+that such and such damnable opinions, which they called five
+propositions, were to be found in a book written by Jansen, though in
+reality no such propositions were to be found there; whereupon the
+existence of these propositions became forthwith a point of faith to the
+faithful.  Do you then think,' he demanded, 'that there is one of the
+faithful who would not swallow, if called upon, the nephewship of Camillo
+Astalli as easily as the five propositions of Jansenius?'  'Surely,
+then,' said I, 'the faithful must be a pretty pack of simpletons!'
+Whereupon the man in black exclaimed, 'What! a Protestant, and an
+infringer of the rights of faith!  Here's a fellow who would feel himself
+insulted if anyone were to ask him how he could believe in the miraculous
+conception, calling people simpletons who swallow the five propositions
+of Jansenius, and are disposed, if called upon, to swallow the reality of
+the nephewship of Camillo Astalli.'
+
+I was about to speak when I was interrupted by the arrival of Belle.
+After unharnessing her donkey and adjusting her person a little, she came
+and sat down by us.  In the meantime I had helped my companion to some
+more hollands and water, and had plunged with him into yet deeper
+discourse.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+NECESSITY OF RELIGION--THE GREAT INDIAN
+ONE--IMAGE-WORSHIP--SHAKESPEARE--THE PAT ANSWER--KRISHNA--AMEN
+
+Having told the man in black that I should like to know all the truth
+with regard to the Pope and his system, he assured me he should be
+delighted to give me all the information in his power; that he had come
+to the dingle, not so much for the sake of the good cheer which I was in
+the habit of giving him, as in the hope of inducing me to enlist under
+the banners of Rome, and to fight in her cause; and that he had no doubt
+that, by speaking out frankly to me, he ran the best chance of winning me
+over.
+
+He then proceeded to tell me that the experience of countless ages had
+proved the necessity of religion; the necessity, he would admit, was only
+for simpletons, but as nine-tenths of the dwellers upon this earth were
+simpletons, it would never do for sensible people to run counter to their
+folly, but, on the contrary, it was their wisest course to encourage them
+in it, always provided that, by so doing, sensible people could derive
+advantage; that the truly sensible people of this world were the priests,
+who, without caring a straw for religion for its own sake, made use of it
+as a cord by which to draw the simpletons after them; that there were
+many religions in this world, all of which had been turned to excellent
+account by the priesthood; but that the one the best adapted for the
+purposes of priestcraft was the popish, which, he said, was the oldest in
+the world and the best calculated to endure.  On my inquiring what he
+meant by saying the popish religion was the oldest in the world, whereas
+there could be no doubt that the Greek and Roman religion had existed
+long before it, to say nothing of the old Indian religion still in
+existence and vigour, he said, with a nod, after taking a sip at his
+glass, that, between me and him, the popish religion, that of Greece and
+Rome, and the old Indian system were, in reality, one and the same.
+
+'You told me that you intended to be frank,' said I, 'but, however frank
+you may be, I think you are rather wild.'
+
+'We priests of Rome,' said the man in black, 'even those amongst us who
+do not go much abroad, know a great deal about church matters, of which
+you heretics have very little idea.  Those of our brethren of the
+Propaganda, on their return home from distant missions, not unfrequently
+tell us very strange things relating to our dear mother: for example, our
+first missionaries to the East were not slow in discovering and telling
+to their brethren that our religion and the great Indian one were
+identical, no more difference between them than between Ram and Rome.
+Priests, convents, beads, prayers, processions, fastings, penances, all
+the same, not forgetting anchorites, and vermin, he! he!  The Pope they
+found under the title of the Grand Lama, a sucking child surrounded by an
+immense number of priests.  Our good brethren, some two hundred years
+ago, had a hearty laugh, which their successors have often re-echoed;
+they said that helpless suckling and its priests put them so much in mind
+of their own old man, surrounded by his cardinals, he! he!  Old age is
+second childhood.'
+
+'Did they find Christ?' said I.
+
+'They found him too,' said the man in black, 'that is, they saw His
+image; He is considered in India as a pure kind of being, and on that
+account, perhaps, is kept there rather in the back-ground, even as He is
+here.'
+
+'All this is very mysterious to me,' said I.
+
+'Very likely,' said the man in black; 'but of this I am tolerably sure,
+and so are most of those of Rome, that modern Rome had its religion from
+ancient Rome, which had its religion from the East.'
+
+'But how?' I demanded.
+
+'It was brought about, I believe, by the wanderings of nations,' said the
+man in black.  'A brother of the Propaganda, a very learned man, once
+told me--I do not mean Mezzofanti, who has not five ideas--this brother
+once told me that all we of the Old World, from Calcutta to Dublin, are
+of the same stock, and were originally of the same language, and--'
+
+'All of one religion,' I put in.
+
+'All of one religion,' said the man in black; 'and now follow different
+modifications of the same religion.'
+
+'We Christians are not image-worshippers,' said I.
+
+'You heretics are not, you mean,' said the man in black; 'but you will be
+put down, just as you have always been, though others may rise up after
+you; the true religion is image-worship; people may strive against it,
+but they will only work themselves to an oil; how did it fare with that
+Greek Emperor, the Iconoclast, what was his name, Leon the Isaurian?  Did
+not his image-breaking cost him Italy, the fairest province of his
+empire, and did not ten fresh images start up at home for every one which
+he demolished?  Oh! you little know the craving which the soul sometimes
+feels after a good bodily image.'
+
+'I have indeed no conception of it,' said I; 'I have an abhorrence of
+idolatry--the idea of bowing before a graven figure.'
+
+'The idea, indeed,' said Belle, who had now joined us.
+
+'Did you never bow before that of Shakespeare?' said the man in black,
+addressing himself to me, after a low bow to Belle.
+
+'I don't remember that I ever did,' said I, 'but even suppose I did?'
+
+'Suppose you did,' said the man in black: 'shame on you, Mr. Hater of
+Idolatry; why the very supposition brings you to the ground; you must
+make figures of Shakespeare, must you? then why not of St. Antonio, or
+Ignacio, or of a greater personage still?  I know what you are going to
+say,' he cried, interrupting me as I was about to speak.  'You don't make
+his image in order to pay it Divine honours, but only to look at it, and
+think of Shakespeare; but this looking at a thing in order to think of a
+person is the very basis of idolatry.  Shakespeare's works are not
+sufficient for you; no more are the Bible or the legend of St. Anthony or
+St. Ignacio for us, that is for those of us who believe in them; I tell
+you, Zingaro, that no religion can exist long which rejects a good bodily
+image.'
+
+'Do you think,' said I, 'that Shakespeare's works would not exist without
+his image?'
+
+'I believe,' said the man in black, 'that Shakespeare's image is looked
+at more than his works, and will be looked at, and perhaps adored, when
+they are forgotten.  I am surprised that they have not been forgotten
+long ago; I am no admirer of them.'
+
+'But I can't imagine,' said I, 'how you will put aside the authority of
+Moses.  If Moses strove against image-worship, should not his doing so be
+conclusive as to the impropriety of the practice; what higher authority
+can you have than that of Moses?'
+
+'The practice of the great majority of the human race,' said the man in
+black, 'and the recurrence to image-worship, where image-worship has been
+abolished.  Do you know that Moses is considered by the Church as no
+better than a heretic, and though, for particular reasons, it has been
+obliged to adopt his writings, the adoption was merely a sham one, as it
+never paid the slightest attention to them?  No, no, the Church was never
+led by Moses, nor by one mightier than he, whose doctrine it has equally
+nullified--I allude to Krishna in his second avatar; the Church, it is
+true, governs in his name, but not unfrequently gives him the lie, if he
+happens to have said anything which it dislikes.  Did you never hear the
+reply which Padre Paolo Segani made to the French Protestant, Jean
+Anthoine Guerin, who had asked him whether it was easier for Christ to
+have been mistaken in His Gospel, than for the Pope to be mistaken in his
+decrees?'
+
+'I never heard their names before,' said I.
+
+'The answer was pat,' said the man in black, 'though he who made it was
+confessedly the most ignorant fellow of the very ignorant order to which
+he belonged, the Augustine.  Christ might err as a man,' said he, 'but
+the Pope can never err, being God.  The whole story is related in the
+Nipotismo.'
+
+'I wonder you should ever have troubled yourselves with Christ at all,'
+said I.
+
+'What was to be done?' said the man in black; 'the power of that name
+suddenly came over Europe, like the power of a mighty wind; it was said
+to have come from Judea, and from Judea it probably came when it first
+began to agitate minds in these parts; but it seems to have been known in
+the remote East, more or less for thousands of years previously.  It
+filled people's minds with madness; it was followed by books which were
+never much regarded, as they contained little of insanity; but the name!
+what fury that breathed into people! the books were about peace and
+gentleness, but the name was the most horrible of war-cries--those who
+wished to uphold old names at first strove to oppose it, but their
+efforts were feeble, and they had no good war-cry; what was Mars as a
+war-cry compared with the name of ---?  It was said that they persecuted
+terribly, but who said so?  The Christians.  The Christians could have
+given them a lesson in the art of persecution, and eventually did so.
+None but Christians have ever been good persecutors; well, the old
+religion succumbed, Christianity prevailed, for the ferocious is sure to
+prevail over the gentile.'
+
+'I thought,' said I, 'you stated a little time ago that the Popish
+religion and the ancient Roman are the same?'
+
+'In every point but that name, that Krishna and the fury and love of
+persecution which it inspired,' said the man in black.  'A hot blast came
+from the East, sounding Krishna; it absolutely maddened people's minds,
+and the people would call themselves his children; we will not belong to
+Jupiter any longer, we will belong to Krishna; and they did belong to
+Krishna, that is in name, but in nothing else; for who ever cared for
+Krishna in the Christian world, or who ever regarded the words attributed
+to him, or put them in practice?'
+
+'Why, we Protestants regard his words, and endeavour to practise what
+they enjoin as much as possible.'
+
+'But you reject his image,' said the man in black; 'better reject his
+words than his image: no religion can exist long which rejects a good
+bodily image.  Why, the very negro barbarians of High Barbary could give
+you a lesson on that point; they have their fetish images, to which they
+look for help in their afflictions; they have likewise a high priest,
+whom they call--'
+
+'Mumbo Jumbo,' said I; 'I know all about him already.'
+
+'How came you to know anything about him?' said the man in black, with a
+look of some surprise.
+
+'Some of us poor Protestant tinkers,' said I, 'though we live in dingles,
+are also acquainted with a thing or two.'
+
+'I really believe you are,' said the man in black, staring at me; 'but,
+in connection with this Mumbo Jumbo, I could relate to you a comical
+story about a fellow, an English servant, I once met at Rome.'
+
+'It would be quite unnecessary,' said I; 'I would much sooner hear you
+talk about Krishna, his words and image.'
+
+'Spoken like a true heretic,' said the man in black; 'one of the faithful
+would have placed his image before his words; for what are all the words
+in the world compared with a good bodily image?'
+
+'I believe you occasionally quote his words?' said I.
+
+'He! he!' said the man in black; 'occasionally.'
+
+'For example,' said I, 'upon this rock I will found my Church.'
+
+'He! he!' said the man in black; 'you must really become one of us.'
+
+'Yet you must have had some difficulty in getting the rock to Rome?'
+
+'None whatever,' said the man in black; 'faith can remove mountains, to
+say nothing of rocks--ho! ho!'
+
+'But I cannot imagine,' said I, 'what advantage you could derive from
+perverting those words of Scripture in which the Saviour talks about
+eating His body.'
+
+'I do not know, indeed, why we troubled our heads about the matter at
+all,' said the man in black; 'but when you talk about perverting the
+meaning of the text, you speak ignorantly, Mr. Tinker.  When He whom you
+call the Saviour gave His followers the sop and bade them eat it, telling
+them it was His body, He delicately alluded to what it was incumbent upon
+them to do after His death, namely, to eat His body.'
+
+'You do not mean to say that He intended they should actually eat His
+body?'
+
+'Then you suppose ignorantly,' said the man in black; 'eating the bodies
+of the dead was a heathenish custom, practised by the heirs and legatees
+of people who left property, and this custom is alluded to in the text.'
+
+'But what has the New Testament to do with heathen customs,' said I,
+'except to destroy them?'
+
+'More than you suppose,' said the man in black.  'We priests of Rome, who
+have long lived at Rome, know much better what the New Testament is made
+of than the heretics and their theologians, not forgetting their Tinkers,
+though I confess some of the latter have occasionally surprised us--for
+example, Bunyan.  The New Testament is crowded with allusions to heathen
+customs, and with words connected with pagan sorcery.  Now, with respect
+to words, I would fain have you who pretend to be a philologist, tell me
+the meaning of Amen?'
+
+I made no answer.
+
+'We of Rome,' said the man in black, 'know two or three things of which
+the heretics are quite ignorant.  For example, there are those amongst
+us--those, too, who do not pretend to be philologists--who know what
+"amen" is, and, moreover, how we got it.  We got it from our ancestors,
+the priests of ancient Rome; and they got the word from their ancestors
+of the East, the priests of Buddh and Brahma.'
+
+'And what is the meaning of the word?' I demanded.
+
+'"Amen,"' said the man in black, 'is a modification of the old Hindoo
+formula, Omani batsikhom, by the almost ceaseless repetition of which the
+Indians hope to be received finally to the rest or state of forgetfulness
+of Buddh or Brahma.  A foolish practice, you will say, but are you
+heretics much wiser, who are continually sticking amen to the end of your
+prayers, little knowing when you do so that you are consigning yourselves
+to the repose of Buddh?  Oh, what hearty laughs our missionaries have had
+when comparing the eternally sounding Eastern gibberish of Omani
+batsikhom, Omani batsikhom, and the Ave Maria and Amen Jesus of our own
+idiotical devotees.'
+
+'I have nothing to say about the Ave Marias and Amens of your
+superstitious devotees,' said I; 'I dare say that they use them
+nonsensically enough, but in putting amen to the end of a prayer we
+merely intend to express, "So let it be."'
+
+'It means nothing of the kind,' said the man in black, 'and the Hindoos
+might just as well put your national oath at the end of their prayers, as
+perhaps they will after a great many thousand years, when English is
+forgotten, and only a few words of it remembered by dim tradition without
+being understood.  How strange if, after the lapse of four thousand
+years, the Hindoos should damn themselves to the blindness so dear to
+their present masters, even as their masters at present consign
+themselves to the forgetfulness so dear to the Hindoos.  But my glass has
+been empty for a considerable time, perhaps, Bellissima Biondina,' said
+he, addressing Belle, 'you will deign to replenish it?'
+
+'I shall do no such thing,' said Belle, 'you have drank quite enough, and
+talked more than enough, and to tell you the truth, I wish you would
+leave us alone.'
+
+'Shame on you, Belle!' said I; 'consider the obligations of hospitality.'
+
+'I am sick of that word,' said Belle; 'you are so frequently misusing it.
+Were this place not Mumpers' Dingle, and consequently as free to the
+fellow as ourselves, I would lead him out of it.'
+
+'Pray be quiet, Belle,' said I.  'You had better help yourself,' said I,
+addressing myself to the man in black; 'the lady is angry with you.'
+
+'I am sorry for it,' said the man in black.  'If she is angry with me, I
+am not so with her, and shall be always proud to wait upon her; in the
+meantime I will wait upon myself.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+THE PROPOSAL--THE SCOTCH NOVEL--LATITUDE--MIRACLES--PESTILENT
+HERETICS--OLD FRASER--WONDERFUL TEXTS--NO ARMENIAN
+
+The man in black having helped himself to some more of his favourite
+beverage and tasted it, I thus addressed him: 'The evening is getting
+rather advanced, and I can see that this lady,' pointing to Belle, 'is
+anxious for her tea, which she prefers to take cosily and comfortably
+with me in the dingle.  The place, it is true, is as free to you as to
+ourselves, nevertheless, as we are located here by necessity, whilst you
+merely come as a visitor, I must take the liberty of telling you that we
+shall be glad to be alone as soon as you have said what you have to say,
+and have finished the glass of refreshment at present in your hand.  I
+think you said some time ago that one of your motives for coming hither
+was to induce me to enlist under the banner of Rome.  I wish to know
+whether that was really the case.'
+
+'Decidedly so,' said the man in black; 'I come here principally in the
+hope of enlisting you in our regiment, in which I have no doubt you could
+do us excellent service.'
+
+'Would you enlist my companion as well?' I demanded.
+
+'We should be only too proud to have her among us, whether she comes with
+you or alone,' said the man in black, with a polite bow to Belle.
+
+'Before we give you an answer,' I replied, 'I would fain know more about
+you; perhaps you will declare your name?'
+
+'That I will never do,' said the man in black; 'no one in England knows
+it but myself, and I will not declare it, even in a dingle; as for the
+rest, _Sono un Prete Cattolico Appostolico_--that is all that many a one
+of us can say for himself, and it assuredly means a great deal.'
+
+'We will now proceed to business,' said I.  'You must be aware that we
+English are generally considered a self-interested people.'
+
+'And with considerable justice,' said the man in black, drinking.  'Well,
+you are a person of acute perception, and I will presently make it
+evident to you that it would be to your interest to join with us.  You
+are at present, evidently, in very needy circumstances, and are lost, not
+only to yourself, but the world; but should you enlist with us, I could
+find you an occupation not only agreeable, but one in which your talents
+would have free scope.  I would introduce you in the various grand houses
+here in England, to which I have myself admission, as a surprising young
+gentleman of infinite learning, who by dint of study has discovered that
+the Roman is the only true faith.  I tell you confidently that our popish
+females would make a saint, nay a God of you; they are fools enough for
+anything.  There is one person in particular with whom I should wish to
+make you acquainted, in the hope that you would be able to help me to
+perform good service to the holy see.  He is a gouty old fellow, of some
+learning, residing in an old hall near the great western seaport, and is
+one of the very few amongst the English Catholics possessing a grain of
+sense.  I think you could help us to govern him, for he is not
+unfrequently disposed to be restive, asks us strange
+questions--occasionally threatens us with his crutch; and behaves so that
+we are often afraid that we shall lose him, or rather, his property,
+which he has bequeathed to us, and which is enormous.  I am sure that you
+could help us to deal with him; sometimes with your humour, sometimes
+with your learning, and perhaps occasionally with your fists.'
+
+'And in what manner would you provide for my companion?' said I.
+
+'We would place her at once,' said the man in black, 'in the house of two
+highly-respectable Catholic ladies in this neighbourhood, where she would
+be treated with every care and consideration till her conversion should
+be accomplished in a regular manner; we would then remove her to a female
+monastic establishment, where, after undergoing a year's probation,
+during which time she would be instructed in every elegant
+accomplishment, she should take the veil.  Her advancement would speedily
+follow, for, with such a face and figure, she would make a capital lady
+abbess, especially in Italy, to which country she would probably be sent;
+ladies of her hair and complexion--to say nothing of her height--being a
+curiosity in the south.  With a little care and management she could soon
+obtain a vast reputation for sanctity; and who knows but after her death
+she might become a glorified saint--he! he!  Sister Maria Theresa, for
+that is the name I propose you should bear.  Holy Mother Maria
+Theresa--glorified and celestial saint, I have the honour of drinking to
+your health,' and the man in black drank.
+
+'Well, Belle,' said I, 'what have you to say to the gentleman's
+proposal?'
+
+'That if he goes on in this way I will break his glass against his
+mouth.'
+
+'You have heard the lady's answer,' said I.
+
+'I have,' said the man in black, 'and shall not press the matter.  I
+can't help, however, repeating that she would make a capital lady abbess:
+she would keep the nuns in order, I warrant her; no easy matter!  Break
+the glass against my mouth--he! he!  How she would send the holy utensils
+flying at the nuns' heads occasionally, and just the person to wring the
+nose of Satan should he venture to appear one night in her cell in the
+shape of a handsome black man.  No offence, madam, no offence, pray
+retain your seat,' said he, observing that Belle had started up; 'I mean
+no offence.  Well, if you will not consent to be an abbess, perhaps you
+will consent to follow this young Zingaro, and to co-operate with him and
+us.  I am a priest, madam, and can join you both in an instant, _connubio
+stabili_, as I suppose the knot has not been tied already.'
+
+'Hold your mumping gibberish,' said Belle, 'and leave the dingle this
+moment, for though 't is free to every one, you have no right to insult
+me in it.'
+
+'Pray be pacified,' said I to Belle, getting up, and placing myself
+between her and the man in black, 'he will presently leave, take my word
+for it--there, sit down again,' said I, as I led her to her seat; then,
+resuming my own, I said to the man in black: 'I advise you to leave the
+dingle as soon as possible.'
+
+'I should wish to have your answer to my proposal first,' said he.
+
+'Well, then, here you shall have it: I will not entertain your proposal;
+I detest your schemes: they are both wicked and foolish.'
+
+'Wicked,' said the man in black, 'have they not--he! he!--the furtherance
+of religion in view?'
+
+'A religion,' said I, 'in which you yourself do not believe, and which
+you contemn.'
+
+'Whether I believe in it or not,' said the man in black, 'it is adapted
+for the generality of the human race; so I will forward it, and advise
+you to do the same.  It was nearly extirpated in these regions, but it is
+springing up again, owing to circumstances.  Radicalism is a good friend
+to us; all the liberals laud up our system out of hatred to the
+Established Church, though our system is ten times less liberal than the
+Church of England.  Some of them have really come over to us.  I myself
+confess a baronet who presided over the first radical meeting ever held
+in England--he was an atheist when he came over to us, in the hope of
+mortifying his own Church--but he is now--ho! ho!--a real Catholic
+devotee--quite afraid of my threats; I make him frequently scourge
+himself before me.  Well, Radicalism does us good service, especially
+amongst the lower classes, for Radicalism chiefly flourishes amongst
+them; for though a baronet or two may be found amongst the radicals, and
+perhaps as many lords--fellows who have been discarded by their own order
+for clownishness, or something they have done--it incontestably
+flourishes best among the lower orders.  Then the love of what is foreign
+is a great friend to us; this love is chiefly confined to the middle and
+upper classes.  Some admire the French, and imitate them; others must
+needs be Spaniards, dress themselves up in a zamarra, stick a cigar in
+their mouths, and say, "Carajo."  Others would pass for Germans; he! he!
+the idea of any one wishing to pass for a German! but what has done us
+more service than anything else in these regions--I mean amidst the
+middle classes--has been the novel, the Scotch novel.  The good folks,
+since they have read the novels, have become Jacobites; and, because all
+the Jacobs were Papists, the good folks must become Papists also, or, at
+least, papistically inclined.  The very Scotch Presbyterians, since they
+have read the novels, are become all but Papists; I speak advisedly,
+having lately been amongst them.  There's a trumpery bit of a half papist
+sect, called the Scotch Episcopalian Church, which lay dormant and nearly
+forgotten for upwards of a hundred years, which has of late got
+wonderfully into fashion in Scotland, because, forsooth, some of the
+long-haired gentry of the novels were said to belong to it, such as
+Montrose and Dundee; and to this the Presbyterians are going over in
+throngs, traducing and vilifying their own forefathers, or denying them
+altogether, and calling themselves descendants of--ho! ho! ho!--Scottish
+Cavaliers!!!  I have heard them myself repeating snatches of Jacobite
+ditties about "Bonnie Dundee," and--
+
+    '"Come, fill up my cup, and fill up my can,
+    And saddle my horse, and call up my man."
+
+There's stuff for you!  Not that I object to the first part of the ditty.
+It is natural enough that a Scotchman should cry, "Come, fill up my cup!"
+more especially if he's drinking at another person's expense--all
+Scotchmen being fond of liquor at free cost: but "Saddle his
+horse!!!"--for what purpose I would ask?  Where is the use of saddling a
+horse, unless you can ride him? and where was there ever a Scotchman who
+could ride?'
+
+'Of course you have not a drop of Scotch blood in your veins,' said I,
+'otherwise you would never have uttered that last sentence.'
+
+'Don't be too sure of that,' said the man in black; 'you know little of
+Popery if you imagine that it cannot extinguish love of country, even in
+a Scotchman.  A thorough-going Papist--and who more thorough-going than
+myself--cares nothing for his country; and why should he? he belongs to a
+system, and not to a country.'
+
+'One thing,' said I, 'connected with you, I cannot understand; you call
+yourself a thorough-going Papist, yet are continually saying the most
+pungent things against Popery, and turning to unbounded ridicule those
+who show any inclination to embrace it.'
+
+'Rome is a very sensible old body,' said the man in black, 'and little
+cares what her children say, provided they do her bidding.  She knows
+several things, and amongst others, that no servants work so hard and
+faithfully as those who curse their masters at every stroke they do.  She
+was not fool enough to be angry with the Miquelets of Alba, who renounced
+her, and called her "puta" all the time they were cutting the throats of
+the Netherlanders.  Now, if she allowed her faithful soldiers the
+latitude of renouncing her, and calling her "puta" in the market-place,
+think not she is so unreasonable as to object to her faithful priests
+occasionally calling her "puta" in the dingle.'
+
+'But,' said I, 'suppose some one were to tell the world some of the
+disorderly things which her priests say in the dingle?'
+
+'He would have the fate of Cassandra,' said the man in black; 'no one
+would believe him--yes, the priests would: but they would make no sign of
+belief.  They believe in the Alcoran des Cordeliers {21}--that is, those
+who have read it; but they make no sign.'
+
+'A pretty system,' said I, 'which extinguishes love of country and of
+everything noble, and brings the minds of its ministers to a parity with
+those of devils, who delight in nothing but mischief.'
+
+'The system,' said the man in black, 'is a grand one, with unbounded
+vitality.  Compare it with your Protestantism, and you will see the
+difference.  Popery is ever at work, whilst Protestantism is supine.  A
+pretty Church, indeed, the Protestant!  Why it can't even work a
+miracle.'
+
+'Can your Church work miracles?' I demanded.
+
+'That was the very question,' said the man in black, 'which the ancient
+British clergy asked of Austin Monk, after they had been fools enough to
+acknowledge their own inability.  "We don't pretend to work miracles; do
+you?"  "Oh! dear me, yes," said Austin; "we find no difficulty in the
+matter.  We can raise the dead, we can make the blind see; and to
+convince you, I will give sight to the blind.  Here is this blind Saxon,
+whom you cannot cure, but on whose eyes I will manifest my power, in
+order to show the difference between the true and the false Church;" and
+forthwith, with the assistance of a handkerchief and a little hot water,
+he opened the eyes of the barbarian.  So we manage matters!  A pretty
+Church, that old British Church, which could not work miracles--quite as
+helpless as the modern one.  The fools! was birdlime so scarce a thing
+amongst them?--and were the properties of warm water so unknown to them,
+that they could not close a pair of eyes and open them?'
+
+'It's a pity,' said I, 'that the British clergy at that interview with
+Austin, did not bring forward a blind Welshman, and ask the monk to
+operate upon him.'
+
+'Clearly,' said the man in black; 'that's what they ought to have done;
+but they were fools without a single resource.'  Here he took a sip at
+his glass.
+
+'But they did not believe in the miracle?' said I.
+
+'And what did their not believing avail them?' said the man in black.
+'Austin remained master of the field, and they went away holding their
+heads down, and muttering to themselves.  What a fine subject for a
+painting would be Austin's opening the eyes of the Saxon barbarian, and
+the discomfiture of the British clergy!  I wonder it has not been
+painted!--he! he!'
+
+'I suppose your Church still performs miracles occasionally?' said I.
+
+'It does,' said the man in black.  'The Rev. --- has lately been
+performing miracles in Ireland, destroying devils that had got possession
+of people; he has been eminently successful.  In two instances he not
+only destroyed the devils, but the lives of the people possessed--he! he!
+Oh! there is so much energy in our system; we are always at work, whilst
+Protestantism is supine.'
+
+'You must not imagine,' said I, 'that all Protestants are supine; some of
+them appear to be filled with unbounded zeal.  They deal, it is true, not
+in lying miracles, but they propagate God's Word.  I remember only a few
+months ago, having occasion for a Bible, going to an establishment, {23}
+the object of which was to send Bibles all over the world.  The
+supporters of that establishment could have no self-interested views; for
+I was supplied by them with a noble-sized Bible at a price so small as to
+preclude the idea that it could bring any profit to the vendors.'
+
+The countenance of the man in black slightly fell.  'I know the people to
+whom you allude,' said he; 'indeed, unknown to them, I have frequently
+been to see them, and observed their ways.  I tell you frankly that there
+is not a set of people in this kingdom who have caused our Church so much
+trouble and uneasiness.  I should rather say that they alone cause us
+any; for as for the rest, what with their drowsiness, their plethora,
+their folly, and their vanity, they are doing us anything but mischief.
+These fellows are a pestilent set of heretics, whom we would gladly see
+burnt; they are, with the most untiring perseverance, and in spite of
+divers minatory declarations of the holy father, scattering their books
+abroad through all Europe, and have caused many people in Catholic
+countries to think that hitherto their priesthood have endeavoured, as
+much as possible, to keep them blinded.  There is one fellow amongst them
+for whom we entertain a particular aversion; a big, burly parson, with
+the face of a lion, the voice of a buffalo, and a fist like a
+sledge-hammer.  The last time I was there, I observed that his eye was
+upon me, and I did not like the glance he gave me at all; I observed him
+clench his fist, and I took my departure as fast as I conveniently could.
+Whether he suspected who I was, I know not; but I did not like his look
+at all, and do not intend to go again.'
+
+'Well, then,' said I, 'you confess that you have redoubtable enemies to
+your plans in these regions, and that even amongst the ecclesiastics
+there are some widely different from those of the plethoric and Platitude
+schools.'
+
+'It is but too true,' said the man in black; 'and if the rest of your
+Church were like them we should quickly bid adieu to all hope of
+converting these regions, but we are thankful to be able to say that such
+folks are not numerous; there are, moreover, causes at work quite
+sufficient to undermine even their zeal.  Their sons return at the
+vacations, from Oxford and Cambridge, puppies, full of the nonsense which
+they have imbibed from Platitude professors; and this nonsense they
+retail at home, where it fails not to make some impression, whilst the
+daughters scream--I beg their pardons--warble about Scotland's Montrose,
+and Bonny Dundee, and all the Jacobs; so we have no doubt that their
+papas' zeal about the propagation of such a vulgar book as the Bible will
+in a very little time be terribly diminished.  Old Rome will win, so you
+had better join her.'
+
+And the man in black drained the last drop in his glass.
+
+'Never,' said I, 'will I become the slave of Rome.'
+
+'She will allow you latitude,' said the man in black; 'do but serve her,
+and she will allow you to call her "puta" at a decent time and place, her
+Popes occasionally call her "puta."  A Pope has been known to start from
+his bed at midnight and rush out into the corridor, and call out "puta"
+three times in a voice which pierced the Vatican; that Pope was--'
+
+'Alexander the Sixth, I dare say,' said I; 'the greatest monster that
+ever existed, though the worthiest head which the popish system ever
+had--so his conscience was not always still.  I thought it had been
+seared with a brand of iron.'
+
+'I did not allude to him, but to a much more modern Pope,' said the man
+in black; 'it is true he brought the word, which is Spanish, from Spain,
+his native country, to Rome.  He was very fond of calling the Church by
+that name, and other Popes have taken it up.  She will allow you to call
+her by it if you belong to her.'
+
+'I shall call her so,' said I, 'without belonging to her, or asking her
+permission.'
+
+'She will allow you to treat her as such if you belong to her,' said the
+man in black; 'there is a chapel in Rome where there is a wondrously fair
+statue--the son of a cardinal--I mean his nephew--once-- Well, she did
+not cut off his head, but slightly boxed his cheek and bade him go.'
+
+'I have read all about that in "Keysler's Travels,"' said I; 'do you tell
+her that I would not touch her with a pair of tongs, unless to seize her
+nose.'
+
+'She is fond of lucre,' said the man in black; 'but does not grudge a
+faithful priest a little private perquisite,' and he took out a very
+handsome gold repeater.
+
+'Are you not afraid,' said I, 'to flash that watch before the eyes of a
+poor tinker in a dingle?'
+
+'Not before the eyes of one like you,' said the man in black.
+
+'It is getting late,' said I; 'I care not for perquisites.'
+
+'So you will not join us?' said the man in black.
+
+'You have had my answer,' said I.
+
+'If I belong to Rome,' said the man in black, 'why should not you?'
+
+'I may be a poor tinker,' said I, 'but I may never have undergone what
+you have.  You remember, perhaps, the fable of the fox who had lost his
+tail?'
+
+The man in black winced, but almost immediately recovering himself, he
+said, 'Well, we can do without you, we are sure of winning.'
+
+'It is not the part of wise people,' said I, 'to make sure of the battle
+before it is fought; there's the landlord of the public-house, who made
+sure that his cocks would win, yet the cocks lost the main, and the
+landlord is little better than a bankrupt.'
+
+'People very different from the landlord,' said the man in black, 'both
+in intellect and station, think we shall surely win; there are clever
+machinators among us who have no doubt of our success.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'I will set the landlord aside, and will adduce one who
+was in every point a very different person from the landlord, both in
+understanding and station, he was very fond of laying schemes, and,
+indeed, many of them turned out successful.  His last and darling one,
+however, miscarried, notwithstanding that by his calculations he had
+persuaded himself that there was no possibility of its failing--the
+person that I allude to was old Fraser--'
+
+'Who?' said the man in black, giving a start, and letting his glass fall.
+
+'Old Fraser of Lovat,' said I, 'the prince of all conspirators and
+machinators; he made sure of placing the Pretender on the throne of these
+realms.  "I can bring into the field so many men," said he; "my
+son-in-law, Cluny, so many, and likewise my cousin, and my good friend;"
+then speaking of those on whom the government reckoned for support he
+would say, "So and so are lukewarm, this person is ruled by his wife, who
+is with us, the clergy are anything but hostile to us, and as for the
+soldiers and sailors, half are disaffected to King George, and the rest
+cowards."  Yet, when things came to a trial, this person whom he had
+calculated upon to join the Pretender did not stir from his home, another
+joined the hostile ranks, the presumed cowards turned out heroes, and
+those whom he thought heroes ran away like lusty fellows at Culloden; in
+a word, he found himself utterly mistaken, and in nothing more than
+himself; he thought he was a hero, and proved himself nothing more than
+an old fox; he got up a hollow tree, didn't he, just like a fox?
+
+    '"L'opere sue non furon leonine, ma di volpe."'
+
+The man in black sat silent for a considerable time, and at length
+answered, in rather a faltering voice, 'I was not prepared for this; you
+have frequently surprised me by your knowledge of things, which I should
+never have expected any person of your appearance to be acquainted with,
+but that you should be aware of my name is a circumstance utterly
+incomprehensible to me.  I had imagined that no person in England was
+acquainted with it; indeed, I don't see how any person should be, I have
+revealed it to no one, not being particularly proud of it.  Yes, I
+acknowledge that my name is Fraser, and that I am of the blood of that
+family or clan, of which the rector of our college once said, that he was
+firmly of opinion that every individual member was either rogue or fool.
+I was born at Madrid, of pure, _oime_, Fraser blood.  My parents at an
+early age took me to --- {26a} where they shortly died, not, however,
+before they had placed me in the service of a cardinal, with whom I
+continued some years, and who, when he had no further occasion for me,
+sent me to the college, in the left-hand cloister of which, as you enter,
+rest the bones of Sir John D---; {26b} there, in studying logic and
+humane letters, I lost whatever of humanity I had retained when discarded
+by the cardinal.  Let me not, however, forget two points--I am a Fraser,
+it is true, but not a Flannagan: I may bear the vilest name of Britain,
+but not of Ireland; I was bred up at the English house, and there is at
+--- a house for the education of bog-trotters; I was not bred up at that;
+beneath the lowest gulf there is one yet lower; whatever my blood may be
+it is at least not Irish; whatever my education may have been I was not
+bred at the Irish seminary--on those accounts I am thankful--yes, _per
+dio_!  I am thankful.  After some years at college--but why should I tell
+you my history, you know it already perfectly well, probably much better
+than myself.  I am now a missionary priest labouring in heretic England,
+like Parsons and Garnet of old, save and except that, unlike them, I run
+no danger, for the times are changed.  As I told you before, I shall
+cleave to Rome--I must; _no hay remedio_, as they say at Madrid, and I
+will do my best to further her holy plans--he! he!--but I confess I begin
+to doubt of their being successful here--you put me out; old Fraser of
+Lovat!  I have heard my father talk of him; he had a gold-headed cane,
+with which he once knocked my grandfather down--he was an astute one,
+but, as you say, mistaken, particularly in himself.  I have read his life
+by Arbuthnot, it is in the library of our college.  Farewell!  I shall
+come no more to this dingle--to come would be of no utility; I shall go
+and labour elsewhere, though . . . how you came to know my name, is a
+fact quite inexplicable--farewell to you both.'
+
+He then arose, and without further salutation departed from the dingle,
+in which I never saw him again.  'How in the name of wonder, came you to
+know that man's name?' said Belle, after he had been gone some time.
+
+'I, Belle?  I knew nothing of the fellow's name, I assure you.'
+
+'But you mentioned his name.'
+
+'If I did, it was merely casually, by way of illustration.  I was saying
+how frequently cunning people were mistaken in their calculations, and I
+adduced the case of old Fraser of Lovat, as one in point; I brought
+forward his name because I was well acquainted with his history, from
+having compiled and inserted it in a wonderful work, which I edited some
+months ago, entitled "Newgate Lives and Trials," {27} but without the
+slightest idea that it was the name of him who was sitting with us; he,
+however, thought that I was aware of his name.  Belle!  Belle! for a long
+time I doubted in the truth of Scripture, owing to certain conceited
+discourses which I had heard from certain conceited individuals, but now
+I begin to believe firmly; what wonderful texts there are in Scripture,
+Belle!  "The wicked trembleth where--where--"'
+
+'"They were afraid where no fear was; thou hast put them to confusion,
+because God hath despised them,"' said Belle; 'I have frequently read it
+before the clergyman in the great house of Long Melford.  But if you did
+not know the man's name, why let him go away supposing that you did?'
+
+'Oh, if he was fool enough to make such a mistake, I was not going to
+undeceive him--no, no!  Let the enemies of old England make the most of
+all their blunders and mistakes, they will have no help from me; but
+enough of the fellow, Belle, let us now have tea, and after that--'
+
+'No Armenian,' said Belle, 'but I want to ask a question: pray, are all
+people of that man's name either rogues or fools?'
+
+'It is impossible for me to say, Belle, this person being the only one of
+the name I have ever personally known.  I suppose there are good and bad,
+clever and foolish, amongst them, as amongst all large bodies of people;
+however, after the tribe had been governed for upwards of thirty years by
+such a person as old Fraser, it were no wonder if the greater part had
+become either rogues or fools; he was a ruthless tyrant, Belle, over his
+own people, and by his cruelty and rapaciousness must either have stunned
+them into an apathy approaching to idiocy, or made them artful knaves in
+their own defence.  The qualities of parents are generally transmitted to
+their descendants--the progeny of trained pointers are almost sure to
+point, even without being taught; if, therefore, all Frasers are either
+rogues or fools, as this person seems to insinuate, it is little to be
+wondered at, their parents or grandparents having been in the
+training-school of old Fraser; but enough of the old tyrant and his
+slaves.  Belle, prepare tea this moment or dread my anger.  I have not a
+gold-headed cane like old Fraser of Lovat, but I have, what some people
+would dread much more, an Armenian rune-stick.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+FRESH ARRIVALS--PITCHING THE TENT--CERTIFICATED WIFE--HIGH-FLYING NOTIONS
+
+On the following morning, as I was about to leave my tent, I heard the
+voice of Belle at the door, exclaiming, 'Sleepest thou, or wakest thou?'
+'I was never more awake in my life,' said I, going out.  'What is the
+matter?'  'He of the horse-shoe,' {29a} said she, 'Jasper, {29b} of whom
+I have heard you talk, is above there on the field with all his people; I
+went about a quarter of an hour ago to fill the kettle at the spring, and
+saw them arriving.'  'It is well,' said I; 'have you any objection to
+asking him and his wife to breakfast?'  'You can do as you please,' said
+she; 'I have cups enough, and have no objection to their company.'  'We
+are the first occupiers of the ground,' said I, 'and being so, should
+consider ourselves in the light of hosts, and do our best to practise the
+duties of hospitality.'  'How fond you are of using that word,' said
+Belle, 'if you wish to invite the man and his wife, do so, without more
+ado; remember, however, that I have not cups enough, nor, indeed, tea
+enough, for the whole company.'  Thereupon hurrying up the ascent, I
+presently found myself outside the dingle.  It was, as usual, a brilliant
+morning, the dewy blades of the rye-grass which covered the plain
+sparkled brightly in the beams of the sun, which had probably been about
+two hours above the horizon.  A rather numerous body of my ancient
+friends and allies occupied the ground in the vicinity of the mouth of
+the dingle.  About five yards on the right I perceived Mr. Petulengro
+busily employed in erecting his tent; he held in his hand an iron bar,
+sharp at the bottom, with a kind of arm projecting from the top for the
+purpose of supporting a kettle or cauldron over the fire, and which is
+called in the Romanian language, 'Kekauviskoe saster.' {29c}  With the
+sharp end of this Mr. Petulengro was making holes in the earth at about
+twenty inches distance from each other, into which he inserted certain
+long rods, with a considerable bend towards the top, which constituted no
+less than the timbers of the tent, and the supporters of the canvas.
+{30a}  Mrs. Petulengro and a female with a crutch in her hand, whom I
+recognised as Mrs. Chikno, sat near him on the ground, whilst two or
+three children, from six to ten years old, who composed the young family
+of Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro were playing about.
+
+'Here we are, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro, as he drove the sharp end of
+the bar into the ground; 'here we are, and plenty of us--Bute dosta
+Romany chals.' {30b}
+
+'I am glad to see you all,' said I, 'and particularly you, madam,' said
+I, making a bow to Mrs. Petulengro; 'and you also, madam,' taking off my
+hat to Mrs. Chikno.
+
+'Good-day to you, sir,' said Mrs. Petulengro; 'you look as usual,
+charmingly, and speak so, too; you have not forgot your manners.'
+
+'It is not all gold that glitters,' said Mrs. Chikno.  'However,
+good-morrow to you, young rye.'
+
+'I do not see Tawno,' said I, looking around; 'where is he?'
+
+'Where, indeed!' said Mrs. Chikno; 'I don't know; he who countenances him
+in the roving line can best answer.'
+
+'He will be here anon,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'he has merely ridden down a
+by-road to show a farmer a two-year-old colt, she heard me give him
+directions, but she can't be satisfied.'
+
+'I can't, indeed,' said Mrs. Chikno.
+
+'And why not, sister?'
+
+'Because I place no confidence in your words, brother; as I said before,
+you countenances him.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'I know nothing of your private concerns; I am come on an
+errand.  Isopel Berners, down in the dell there, requests the pleasure of
+Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro's company at breakfast.  She will be happy also
+to see you, madam,' said I, addressing Mrs. Chikno.
+
+'Is that young female your wife, young man?' said Mrs. Chikno.
+
+'My wife?' said I.
+
+'Yes, young man, your wife, your lawful, certificated wife.'
+
+'No,' said I, 'she is not my wife.'
+
+'Then I will not visit her,' said Mrs. Chikno; 'I countenance nothing in
+the roving line.'
+
+'What do you mean by the roving line?' I demanded.
+
+'What do I mean by the roving line?  Why, by it I mean such conduct as is
+not tatcheno. {31a}  When ryes and rawnies {31b} lives together in
+dingles, without being certificated, I calls such behaviour being
+tolerably deep in the roving-line, everything savouring of which I am
+determined not to sanctify.  I have suffered too much by my own
+certificated husband's outbreaks in that line to afford anything of the
+kind the slightest shadow of countenance.'
+
+'It is hard that people may not live in dingles together without being
+suspected of doing wrong,' said I.
+
+'So it is,' said Mrs. Petulengro, interposing; 'and, to tell you the
+truth, I am altogether surprised at the illiberality of my sister's
+remarks.  I have often heard say, that is in good company--and I have
+kept good company in my time--that suspicion is king's evidence of a
+narrow and uncultivated mind, on which account I am suspicious of nobody,
+not even of my own husband, whom some people would think I have a right
+to be suspicious of, seeing that on his account I once refused a lord;
+but ask him whether I am suspicious of him, and whether I seeks to keep
+him close tied to my apron-string; he will tell you nothing of the kind;
+but that, on the contrary, I always allows him an agreeable latitude,
+permitting him to go where he pleases, and to converse with anyone to
+whose manner of speaking he may take a fancy.  But I have had the
+advantage of keeping good company, and therefore--'
+
+'Meklis,' {31c} said Mrs. Chikno, 'pray drop all that, sister; I believe
+I have kept as good company as yourself, and with respect to that offer
+with which you frequently fatigue those who keeps company with you, I
+believe, after all, it was something in the roving and uncertificated
+line.'
+
+'In whatever line it was,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'the offer was a good
+one.  The young duke--for he was not only a lord, but a duke too--offered
+to keep me a fine carriage, and to make me his second wife; for it is
+true that he had another, who was old and stout, though mighty rich, and
+highly good-natured, so much so, indeed, that the young lord assured me
+that she would have no manner of objection to the arrangement, more
+especially if I would consent to live in the same house with her, being
+fond of young and cheerful society.  So you see--'
+
+'Yes, yes,' said Mrs. Chikno, 'I see what I before thought, that it was
+altogether in the uncertificated line.'
+
+'Meklis,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'I use your own word, madam, which is
+Romany--for my own part, I am not fond of using Romany words, unless I
+can hope to pass them off for French, which I cannot in the present
+company.  I heartily wish that there was no such language, and do my best
+to keep it away from my children, lest the frequent use of it should
+altogether confirm them in low and vulgar habits.  I have four children,
+madam, but--'
+
+'I suppose by talking of your four children you wish to check me for
+having none,' said Mrs. Chikno, bursting into tears; 'if I have no
+children, sister, it is no fault of mine, it is--but why do I call you
+sister?' said she, angrily, 'you are no sister of mine, you are a grasni
+{32}--a regular mare--a pretty sister, indeed, ashamed of your own
+language.  I remember well that by your high-flying notions you drove
+your own mother--'
+
+'We will drop it,' said Mrs. Petulengro; 'I do not wish to raise my
+voice, and to make myself ridiculous.  Young gentleman,' said she, 'pray
+present my compliments to Miss Isopel Berners, and inform her that I am
+very sorry that I cannot accept her polite invitation.  I am just
+arrived, and have some slight domestic matters to see to, amongst others,
+to wash my children's faces; but that in the course of the forenoon, when
+I have attended to what I have to do, and have dressed myself, I hope to
+do myself the honour of paying her a regular visit, you will tell her
+that with my compliments.  With respect to my husband he can answer for
+himself, as I, not being of a jealous disposition, never interferes with
+his matters.'
+
+'And tell Miss Berners,' said Mr. Petulengro, 'that I shall be happy to
+wait upon her in company with my wife as soon as we are regularly
+settled: at present I have much on my hands, having not only to pitch my
+own tent, but this here jealous woman's, whose husband is absent on my
+business.'
+
+Thereupon I returned to the dingle, and, without saying anything about
+Mrs. Chikno's observations, communicated to Isopel the messages of Mr.
+and Mrs. Petulengro.  Isopel made no other reply than by replacing in her
+coffer two additional cups and saucers, which, in expectation of company,
+she had placed upon the board.  The kettle was by this time boiling.  We
+sat down, and as we breakfasted, I gave Isopel Berners another lesson in
+the Armenian language.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+THE PROMISED VISIT--ROMAN FASHION--WIZARD AND WITCH--CATCHING AT
+WORDS--THE TWO FEMALES--DRESSING OF HAIR--THE NEW ROADS--BELLE'S ALTERED
+APPEARANCE--HERSELF AGAIN
+
+About mid-day Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro came to the dingle to pay the
+promised visit.  Belle, at the time of their arrival, was in her tent,
+but I was at the fire-place, engaged in hammering part of the outer tire,
+or defence, which had come off from one of the wheels of my vehicle.  On
+perceiving them I forthwith went to receive them.  Mr. Petulengro was
+dressed in Roman {33} fashion, with a somewhat smartly-cut sporting-coat,
+the buttons of which were half-crowns--and a waistcoat, scarlet and
+black, the buttons of which were spaded half-guineas: his breeches were
+of a stuff half velveteen, half corduroy, the cords exceedingly broad.
+He had leggings of buff cloth, furred at the bottom; and upon his feet
+were highlows.  Under his left arm was a long, black whalebone
+riding-whip, with a red lash, and an immense silver knob.  Upon his head
+was a hat with a high peak, somewhat of the kind which the Spaniards call
+_calane_, so much in favour with the bravos of Seville and Madrid.  Now,
+when I have added that Mr. Petulengro had on a very fine white holland
+shirt, I think I have described his array.  Mrs. Petulengro--I beg pardon
+for not having spoken of her first--was also arrayed very much in the
+Roman fashion.  Her hair, which was exceedingly black and lustrous, fell
+in braids on either side of her head.  In her ears were rings, with long
+drops of gold.  Round her neck was a string of what seemed very much like
+very large pearls, somewhat tarnished, however, and apparently of
+considerable antiquity.  'Here we are, brother,' said Mr.
+Petulengro--'here we are, come to see you--wizard and witch, witch and
+wizard:
+
+    '"There's a chovahanee, and a chovahano,
+    The nav se len is Petulengro."' {34a}
+
+'Hold your tongue, sir,' said Mrs. Petulengro; 'you make me ashamed of
+you with your vulgar ditties.  We are come a visiting now, and everything
+low should be left behind.'
+
+'True,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'why bring what's low to the dingle, which
+is low enough already?'
+
+'What, are you a catcher at words?' said I.  'I thought that catching at
+words had been confined to the pot-house farmers and village witty
+bodies.'
+
+'All fools,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'catch at words, and very naturally,
+as by so doing they hope to prevent the possibility of rational
+conversation.  Catching at words confined to pot-house farmers and
+village witty bodies!  No, nor to Jasper Petulengro.  Listen for an hour
+or two to the discourse of a set they call newspaper editors, and if you
+don't go out and eat grass as a dog does when he is sick, I am no female
+woman.  The young lord whose hand I refused when I took up with wise
+Jasper, once brought two of them to my mother's tan, {34b} when hankering
+after my company: they did nothing but carp at each other's words, and a
+pretty hand they made of it.  Ill-favoured dogs they were, and their
+attempts at what they called wit almost as unfortunate as their
+countenances.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'madam, we will drop all catchings and carpings for the
+present.  Pray take your seat on this stool, whilst I go and announce to
+Miss Isopel Berners your arrival.'
+
+Thereupon I went to Belle's habitation, and informed her that Mr. and
+Mrs. Petulengro had paid us a visit of ceremony, and were awaiting her at
+the fire-place.  'Pray go and tell them that I am busy,' said Belle, who
+was engaged with her needle.  'I do not feel disposed to take part in any
+such nonsense.'  'I shall do no such thing,' said I, 'and I insist upon
+your coming forthwith, and showing proper courtesy to your visitors.  If
+you do not their feelings will be hurt, and you are aware that I cannot
+bear that people's feelings should be outraged.  Come this moment, or--'
+'Or what?' said Belle, half smiling.  'I was about to say something in
+Armenian,' said I.  'Well,' said Belle, laying down her work, 'I will
+come.'  'Stay,' said I, 'your hair is hanging about your ears, and your
+dress is in disorder: you had better stay a minute or two to prepare
+yourself to appear before your visitors, who have come in their very best
+attire.'  'No,' said Belle, 'I will make no alteration in my appearance;
+you told me to come this moment, and you shall be obeyed.'
+
+So Belle and I advanced towards our guests.  As we drew nigh Mr.
+Petulengro took off his hat, and made a profound obeisance to Belle,
+whilst Mrs. Petulengro rose from the stool, and made a profound curtsey.
+Belle, who had flung her hair back over her shoulders, returned their
+salutations by bending her head, and after slightly glancing at Mr.
+Petulengro, fixed her large blue eyes full upon his wife.  Both these
+females were very handsome--but how unlike!  Belle fair, with blue eyes
+and flaxen hair, Mrs. Petulengro with olive complexion, eyes black, and
+hair dark--as dark could be.  Belle, in demeanour calm and proud, the
+gypsy graceful, but full of movement and agitation.  And then, how
+different were those two in stature!  The head of the Romany rawnie
+scarcely ascended to the breast of Isopel Berners.  I could see that Mrs.
+Petulengro gazed on Belle with unmixed admiration, so did her husband.
+'Well,' said the latter, 'one thing I will say, which is, that there is
+only one on earth worthy to stand up in front of this she, and that is
+the beauty of the world, as far as man flesh is concerned, Tawno Chikno;
+what a pity he did not come down!'
+
+'Tawno Chikno,' {36a} said Mrs. Petulengro, flaring up; 'a pretty fellow
+he to stand up in front of this gentlewoman, a pity he didn't come,
+quotha? not at all, the fellow is a sneak, afraid of his wife.  He stand
+up against this rawnie! {36b} why the look she has given me would knock
+the fellow down.'
+
+'It is easier to knock him down with a look than with a fist,' said Mr.
+Petulengro; 'that is, if the look comes from a woman, not that I am
+disposed to doubt that this female gentlewoman is able to knock him down
+either one way or the other.  I have heard of her often enough, and have
+seen her once or twice, though not so near as now.  Well, ma'am, my wife
+and I are come to pay our respects to you; we are both glad to find that
+you have left off keeping company with Flaming Bosville, {36c} and have
+taken up with my pal; he is not very handsome, but a better--'
+
+'I take up with your pal, {36d} as you call him; you had better mind what
+you say,' said Isopel Berners, 'I take up with nobody.'
+
+'I merely mean taking up your quarters with him,' said Mr. Petulengro,
+'and I was only about to say a better fellow-lodger you cannot have, or a
+more instructive, especially if you have a desire to be inoculated with
+tongues, as he calls them.  I wonder whether you and he have had any
+tongue-work already.'
+
+'Have you and your wife anything particular to say, if you have nothing
+but this kind of conversation I must leave you, as I am going to make a
+journey this afternoon, and should be getting ready.'
+
+'You must excuse my husband, madam,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'he is not
+overburdened with understanding, and has said but one word of sense since
+he has been here, which was that we came to pay our respects to you.  We
+have dressed ourselves in our best Roman way, in order to do honour to
+you; perhaps you do not like it, if so, I am sorry.  I have no French
+clothes, madam, if I had any, madam, I would have come in them in order
+to do you more honour.'
+
+'I like to see you much better as you are,' said Belle; 'people should
+keep to their own fashions, and yours is very pretty.'
+
+'I am glad you are pleased to think it so, madam, it has been admired in
+the great city, it created what they call a sensation, and some of the
+great ladies--the court ladies, imitated it, else I should not appear in
+it so often as I am accustomed, for I am not very fond of what is Roman,
+having an imagination that what is Roman is ungenteel; in fact, I once
+heard the wife of a rich citizen say that gypsies were vulgar creatures.
+I should have taken her saying very much to heart, but for her improper
+pronunciation; she could not pronounce her words, madam, which we
+gypsies, as they call us, usually can, so I thought she was no very high
+purchase.  You are very beautiful, madam, though you are not dressed as I
+could wish to see you, and your hair is hanging down in sad confusion;
+allow me to assist you in arranging your hair, madam; I will dress it for
+you in our fashion; I would fain see how your hair would look in our poor
+gypsy fashion: pray allow me, madam?' and she took Belle by the hand.
+
+'I really can do no such thing,' said Belle withdrawing her hand; 'I
+thank you for coming to see me, but--'
+
+'Do allow me to officiate upon your hair, madam,' said Mrs. Petulengro,
+'I should esteem your allowing me a great mark of condescension.  You are
+very beautiful, madam, and I think you doubly so, because you are so
+fair; I have a great esteem for persons with fair complexions and hair; I
+have a less regard for people with dark hair and complexions, madam.'
+
+'Then why did you turn off the lord, and take up with me?' said Mr.
+Petulengro; 'that same lord was fair enough all about him.'
+
+'People do when they are young and silly what they sometimes repent of
+when they are of riper years and understandings.  I sometimes think that
+had I not been something of a simpleton, I might at this time be a great
+court lady.  Now, madam,' said she, again taking Belle by the hand, 'do
+oblige me by allowing me to plait your hair a little?'
+
+'I have really a good mind to be angry with you,' said Belle, giving Mrs.
+Petulengro a peculiar glance.
+
+'Do allow her to arrange your hair,' said I, 'she means no harm, and
+wishes to do you honour; do oblige her and me too, for I should like to
+see how your hair would look dressed in her fashion.'
+
+'You hear what the young rye says?' said Mrs. Petulengro.  'I am sure you
+will oblige the young rye, if not myself.  Many people would be willing
+to oblige the young rye, if he would but ask them; but he is not in the
+habit of asking favours.  He has a nose of his own, which he keeps
+tolerably exalted; he does not think small-beer of himself, madam; and
+all the time I have been with him, I never heard him ask a favour before;
+therefore, madam, I am sure you will oblige him.  My sister Ursula would
+be very willing to oblige him in many things, but he will not ask her for
+anything, except for such a favour as a word, which is a poor favour
+after all.  I don't mean for her word; perhaps he will some day ask you
+for your word.  If so--'
+
+'Why here you are, after railing at me for catching at words, catching at
+a word yourself,' said Mr. Petulengro.
+
+'Hold your tongue, sir,' said Mrs. Petulengro.  'Don't interrupt me in my
+discourse; if I caught at a word now, I am not in the habit of doing so.
+I am no conceited body; no newspaper Neddy; no pot-house witty person.  I
+was about to say, madam, that if the young rye asks you at any time for
+your word, you will do as you deem convenient; but I am sure you will
+oblige him by allowing me to braid your hair.'
+
+'I shall not do it to oblige him,' said Belle; 'the young rye, as you
+call him, is nothing to me.'
+
+'Well, then, to oblige me,' said Mrs. Petulengro; 'do allow me to become
+your poor tire-woman.'
+
+'It is great nonsense,' said Belle, reddening; 'however, as you came to
+see me, and ask the matter as a particular favour to yourself--'
+
+'Thank you, madam,' said Mrs. Petulengro, leading Belle to the stool;
+'please to sit down here.  Thank you; your hair is very beautiful,
+madam,' she continued, as she proceeded to braid Belle's hair; 'so is
+your countenance.  Should you ever go to the great city, among the grand
+folks, you would make a sensation, madam.  I have made one myself, who am
+dark; the chi she is kauley, {38} which last word signifies black, which
+I am not, though rather dark.  There's no colour like white, madam; it's
+so lasting, so genteel.  Gentility will carry the day, madam, even with
+the young rye.  He will ask words of the black lass, but beg the word of
+the fair.'
+
+In the meantime Mr. Petulengro and myself entered into conversation.
+'Any news stirring, Mr. Petulengro?' said I.  'Have you heard anything of
+the great religious movements?'
+
+'Plenty,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'all the religious people, more especially
+the Evangelicals--those that go about distributing tracts--are very angry
+about the fight between Gentleman Cooper and White-headed Bob, {39a}
+which they say ought not to have been permitted to take place; and then
+they are trying all they can to prevent the fight between the lion and
+the dogs, {39b} which they say is a disgrace to a Christian country.
+Now, I can't say that I have any quarrel with the religious party and the
+Evangelicals; they are always civil to me and mine, and frequently give
+us tracts, as they call them, which neither I nor mine can read; but I
+cannot say that I approve of any movements, religious or not, which have
+in aim to put down all life and manly sport in this here country.'
+
+'Anything else?' said I.
+
+'People are becoming vastly sharp,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'and I am told
+that all the old-fashioned, good-tempered constables are going to be set
+aside, and a paid body of men to be established, who are not to permit a
+tramper or vagabond on the roads of England;--and talking of roads, puts
+me in mind of a strange story I heard two nights ago, whilst drinking
+some beer at a public-house, in company with my cousin Sylvester.  I had
+asked Tawno to go, but his wife would not let him.  Just opposite me,
+smoking their pipes, were a couple of men, something like engineers, and
+they were talking of a wonderful invention which was to make a wonderful
+alteration in England; inasmuch as it would set aside all the old roads,
+which in a little time would be ploughed up, and sowed with corn, and
+cause all England to be laid down with iron roads, on which people would
+go thundering along in vehicles, pushed forward by fire and smoke.  Now,
+brother, when I heard this, I did not feel very comfortable; for I
+thought to myself, what a queer place such a road would be to pitch one's
+tent upon, and how impossible it would be for one's cattle to find a bite
+of grass upon it; and I thought likewise of the danger to which one's
+family would be exposed of being run over and severely scorched by these
+same flying, fiery vehicles; so I made bold to say, that I hoped such an
+invention would never be countenanced, because it was likely to do a
+great deal of harm.  Whereupon, one of the men, giving me a glance, said,
+without taking the pipe out of his mouth, that for his part, he sincerely
+hoped that it would take effect; and if it did no other good than
+stopping the rambles of gypsies, and other like scamps, it ought to be
+encouraged.  Well, brother, feeling myself insulted, I put my hand into
+my pocket, in order to pull out money, intending to challenge him to
+fight for a five-shilling stake, but merely found sixpence, having left
+all my other money at the tent; which sixpence was just sufficient to pay
+for the beer which Sylvester and myself were drinking, of whom I couldn't
+hope to borrow anything--"poor as Sylvester" being a by-word amongst us.
+So, not being able to back myself, I held my peace, and let the Gorgio
+{40} have it all his own way, who, after turning up his nose at me, went
+on discoursing about the said invention, saying what a fund of profit it
+would be to those who knew how to make use of it, and should have the
+laying down of the new roads, and the shoeing of England with iron.  And
+after he had said this, and much more of the same kind, which I cannot
+remember, he and his companion got up and walked away; and presently I
+and Sylvester got up and walked to our camp; and there I lay down in my
+tent by the side of my wife, where I had an ugly dream of having camped
+upon an iron road; my tent being overturned by a flying vehicle; my
+wife's leg injured; and all my affairs put into great confusion.'
+
+'Now, madam,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'I have braided your hair in our
+fashion; you look very beautiful, madam; more beautiful, if possible,
+than before.'  Belle now rose, and came forward with her tire-woman.  Mr.
+Petulengro was loud in his applause, but I said nothing, for I did not
+think Belle was improved in appearance by having submitted to the
+ministry of Mrs. Petulengro's hand.  Nature never intended Belle to
+appear as a gypsy; she had made her too proud and serious.  A more proper
+part for her was that of a heroine, a queenly heroine--that of Theresa of
+Hungary, for example; or, better still, that of Brynhilda the Valkyrie,
+the beloved of Sigurd, the serpent-killer, who incurred the curse of
+Odin, because, in the tumult of spears, she sided with the young king,
+and doomed the old warrior to die, to whom Odin had promised victory.
+
+Belle looked at me for a moment in silence, then turning to Mrs.
+Petulengro, she said: 'You have had your will with me; are you
+satisfied?'  'Quite so, madam,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'and I hope you
+will be so too, as soon as you have looked in the glass.'  'I have looked
+in one already,' said Belle, 'and the glass does not flatter.'  'You mean
+the face of the young rye,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'never mind him, madam;
+the young rye, though he knows a thing or two, is not a university, nor a
+person of universal wisdom.  I assure you that you never looked so well
+before, and I hope that, from this moment, you will wear your hair in
+this way.'  'And who is to braid it in this way?' said Belle, smiling.
+'I, madam,' said Mrs. Petulengro, 'I will braid it for you every morning,
+if you will but be persuaded to join us.  Do so, madam, and I think if
+you did, the young rye would do so too.'  'The young rye is nothing to
+me, nor I to him,' said Belle, 'we have stayed some time together, but
+our paths will soon be apart.  Now farewell, for I am about to take a
+journey.'  'And you will go out with your hair as I have braided it,'
+said Mrs. Petulengro, 'if you do everybody will be in love with you.'
+'No,' said Belle, 'hitherto I have allowed you to do what you please, but
+henceforth I shall have my own way.  Come, come,' said she, observing
+that the gypsy was about to speak, 'we have had enough of nonsense,
+whenever I leave this hollow it will be wearing my hair in my own
+fashion.'  'Come, wife,' said Mr. Petulengro, 'we will no longer intrude
+upon the rye and rawnie, there is such a thing as being troublesome.'
+Thereupon Mr. Petulengro and his wife took their leave, with many
+salutations.  'Then you are going?' said I, when Belle and I were left
+alone.  'Yes,' said Belle, 'I am going on a journey, my affairs compel
+me.'  'But you will return again?' said I.  'Yes,' said Belle, 'I shall
+return once more.'  'Once more,' said I, 'what do you mean by once more?
+The Petulengros {41} will soon be gone, and will you abandon me in this
+place?'  'You were alone here,' said Belle, 'before I came, and I
+suppose, found it agreeable, or you would not have stayed in it.'  'Yes,'
+said I, 'that was before I knew you; but having lived with you here, I
+should be very loth to live here without you.'  'Indeed,' said Belle, 'I
+did not know that I was of so much consequence to you.  Well, the day is
+wearing away--I must go and harness Traveller to the cart.'  'I will do
+that,' said I, 'or anything else you may wish me.  Go and prepare
+yourself; I will see after Traveller and the cart.'  Belle departed to
+her tent, and I set about performing the task I had undertaken.  In about
+half an hour Belle again made her appearance--she was dressed neatly and
+plainly.  Her hair was no longer in the Roman fashion, in which Pakomovna
+had plaited it, but was secured by a comb; she held a bonnet in her hand.
+'Is there anything else I can do for you?' I demanded.  'There are two or
+three bundles by my tent which you can put into the cart,' said Belle.  I
+put the bundles into the cart, and then led Traveller and the cart up the
+winding path to the mouth of the dingle, near which was Mr. Petulengro's
+encampment.  Belle followed.  At the top, I delivered the reins into her
+hands; we looked at each other steadfastly for some time.  Belle then
+departed, and I returned to the dingle, where, seating myself on my
+stone, I remained for upwards of an hour in thought.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+THE FESTIVAL--THE GYPSY SONG--PIRAMUS OF ROME--THE SCOTCHMAN--GYPSY NAMES
+
+On the following day there was much feasting amongst the Romany chals of
+Mr. Petulengro's party.  Throughout the forenoon the Romany chies did
+scarcely anything but cook flesh, and the flesh which they cooked was
+swine's flesh.  About two o'clock, the chals and chies dividing
+themselves into various parties sat down and partook of the fare, which
+was partly roasted, partly sodden.  I dined that day with Mr. Petulengro,
+and his wife and family, Ursula, Mr. and Mrs. Chikno, and Sylvester and
+his two children.  Sylvester, it will be as well to say; was a widower,
+and had consequently no one to cook his victuals for him, supposing he
+had any, which was not always the case, Sylvester's affairs being seldom
+in a prosperous state.  He was noted for his bad success in trafficking,
+notwithstanding the many hints which he received from Jasper, under whose
+protection he had placed himself, even as Tawno Chikno had done, who
+himself, as the reader has heard on a former occasion, was anything but a
+wealthy subject, though he was at all times better off than Sylvester,
+the Lazarus of the Romany tribe.
+
+All our party ate with a good appetite, except myself, who, feeling
+rather melancholy that day, had little desire to eat.  I did not, like
+the others, partake of the pork, but got my dinner entirely off the body
+of a squirrel which had been shot the day before by a chal {43a} of the
+name of Piramus, who, besides being a good shot, was celebrated for his
+skill in playing on the fiddle.  During the dinner a horn filled with ale
+passed frequently around; I drank of it more than once, and felt
+inspirited by the draughts.  The repast concluded, Sylvester and his
+children departed to their tent, and Mr. Petulengro, Tawno, and myself
+getting up, went and lay down under a shady hedge, where Mr. Petulengro,
+lighting his pipe, began to smoke, and where Tawno presently fell asleep.
+I was about to fall asleep also, when I heard the sound of music and
+song.  Piramus was playing on the fiddle, whilst Mrs. Chikno, who had a
+voice of her own, was singing in tones sharp enough, but of great power,
+a gypsy song:
+
+
+
+POISONING THE PORKER, {43b}
+
+
+    BY MRS. CHIKNO.
+
+    To mande shoon ye Romany chals
+    Who besh in the pus about the yag,
+    I'll pen how we drab the baulo,
+    I'll pen how we drab the baulo.
+
+    We jaws to the drab-engro ker,
+    Trin horsworth there of drab we lels,
+    And when to the swety {44a} back we wels
+    We pens we'll drab the baulo,
+    We'll have a drab at a baulo.
+
+    And then we kairs the drab opre,
+    And then we jaws to the farming ker,
+    To mang a beti habben,
+    A beti poggado habben.
+
+    A rinkeno baulo there we dick,
+    And then we pens in Romano jib;
+    Wust lis odoi opre ye chick,
+    And the baulo he will lel lis,
+    The baulo he will lel lis.
+
+    Coliko coliko saulo we
+    Apopli to the farming ker
+    Will wel and mang him mullo,
+    Will wel and mang his truppo. {44b}
+
+    And so we kairs, and so we kairs;
+    The baulo in the rarde {44c} mers;
+    We mang him on the saulo,
+    And rig to the tan the baulo.
+
+    And then we toves the wendror well
+    Till sore the wendror iuziou se,
+    Till kekkeno drab's adrey lis,
+    Till drab there's kek adrey lis.
+
+    And then his truppo well we hatch, {44d}
+    Kin levinor at the kitchema,
+    And have a kosko habben,
+    A kosko Romano habben,
+
+    The boshom engro {44e} kils, he kils,
+    The tawnie juva {44f} gils, she gils
+    A puro Romano gillie,
+    Now shoon the Romano gillie.
+
+Which song I had translated in the following manner, in my younger days
+for a lady's album.
+
+    Listen to me ye Roman lads, who are seated in the straw about the
+    fire, and I will tell how we poison the porker, I will tell how we
+    poison the porker.
+
+    We go to the house of the poison monger, {45a} where we buy three
+    pennies' worth of bane, and when we return to our people we say, we
+    will poison the porker; we will try and poison the porker.
+
+    We then make up the poison, and then we take our way to the house of
+    the farmer, as if to beg a bit of victuals, a little broken victuals.
+
+    We see a jolly porker, and then we say in Roman language, 'Fling the
+    bane yonder amongst the dirt, and the porker soon will find it, the
+    porker soon will find it.'
+
+    Early on the morrow, we will return to the farm house, and beg the
+    dead porker, the body of the dead porker.
+
+    And so we do, even so we do; the porker dieth during the night; on
+    the morrow we beg the porker, and carry to the tent the porker.
+
+    And then we wash the inside {45b} well, till all the inside is
+    perfectly clean, till there's no bane within it, not a poison grain
+    within it.
+
+    And then we roast the body well, send for ale to the alehouse, and
+    have a merry banquet, a merry Roman banquet.
+
+    The fellow with the fiddle plays, he plays; the little lassie sings,
+    she sings an ancient Roman ditty; now hear the Roman ditty.
+
+
+
+SONG OF THE BROKEN CHASTITY. {46a}
+
+
+                                  By URSULA.
+
+    Penn'd the Romany chi {46b} ke laki dye
+    'Miry dearie dye mi shom cambri!' {46c}
+    'And savo {46d} kair'd tute cambri,
+    Miry dearie chi, miry Romany chi?'
+    'O miry dye a boro rye,
+    A bovalo {46e} rye, a gorgiko rye,
+    Sos {46f} kistur {46g} pre a pellengo grye,
+    'Twas yov sos kerdo man cambri.'
+    'Tu tawnie vassavie lubbeny,
+    Tu chal {46h} from miry tan abri; {46i}
+    Had a Romany chal kair'd tute cambri,
+    Then I had penn'd ke tute chie, {46j}
+    But tu shan a vassavie lubbeny
+    With gorgikie {46k} rat to be cambri.'
+
+'There's some kernel in those songs, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro, when
+the songs and music were over.
+
+'Yes,' said I, 'they are certainly very remarkable songs.  I say, Jasper,
+I hope you have not been drabbing baulor {47a} lately.'
+
+'And suppose we have, brother, what then?'
+
+'Why, it is a very dangerous practice, to say nothing of the wickedness
+of it.'
+
+'Necessity has no law, brother.'
+
+'That is true,' said I, 'I have always said so, but you are not
+necessitous, and should not drab baulor.'
+
+'And who told you we had been drabbing baulor?'
+
+'Why, you have had a banquet of pork, and after the banquet Mrs. Chikno
+sang a song about drabbing baulor, so I naturally thought you might have
+lately been engaged in such a thing.'
+
+'Brother, you occasionally utter a word or two of common-sense.  It was
+natural for you to suppose, after seeing that dinner of pork, and hearing
+that song, that we had been drabbing baulor; I will now tell you that we
+have not been doing so.  What have you to say to that?'
+
+'That I am very glad of it.'
+
+'Had you tasted that pork, brother, you would have found that it was
+sweet and tasty, which balluva {47b} that is drabbed can hardly be
+expected to be.  We have no reason to drab baulor at present, we have
+money and credit; but necessity has no law.  Our forefathers occasionally
+drabbed baulor, some of our people may still do such a thing, but only
+from compulsion.'
+
+'I see,' said I, 'and at your merry meetings you sing songs upon the
+compulsatory deeds of your people, alias their villainous actions; and
+after all, what would the stirring poetry of any nation be, but for its
+compulsatory deeds?  Look at the poetry of Scotland, the heroic part
+founded almost entirely on the villainous deeds of the Scotch nation;
+cow-stealing, for example, which is very little better than drabbing
+baulor; whilst the softer part is mostly about the slips of its females
+among the broom, so that no upholder of Scotch poetry could censure
+Ursula's song as indelicate, even if he understood it.  What do you
+think, Jasper?'
+
+'I think, brother, as I before said, that occasionally you utter a word
+of common-sense; you were talking of the Scotch, brother; what do you
+think of a Scotchman finding fault with Romany?'
+
+'A Scotchman finding fault with Romany, Jasper?  Oh dear, but you joke,
+the thing could never be.'
+
+'Yes; and at Piramus's fiddle; what do you think of a Scotchman turning
+up his nose at Piramus's fiddle?'
+
+'A Scotchman turning up his nose at Piramus's fiddle! nonsense, Jasper.'
+
+'Do you know what I most dislike, brother?'
+
+'I do not, unless it be the constable, Jasper.'
+
+'It is not the constable, it's a beggar on horseback, brother.'
+
+'What do you mean by a beggar on horseback?'
+
+'Why, a scamp, brother, raised above his proper place, who takes every
+opportunity of giving himself fine airs.  About a week ago, my people and
+myself camped on a green by a plantation in the neighbourhood of a great
+house.  In the evening we were making merry, the girls were dancing,
+while Piramus was playing on the fiddle a tune of his own composing, to
+which he has given his own name, Piramus of Rome, and which is much
+celebrated amongst our people, and from which I have been told that one
+of the grand gorgio composers, who once heard it, has taken several
+hints.  So, as we were making merry, a great many grand people--lords and
+ladies, I believe, came from the great house and looked on, as the girls
+danced to the tune of Piramus of Rome, and seemed much pleased; and when
+the girls had left off dancing, and Piramus playing, the ladies wanted to
+have their fortunes told; so I bade Mikailia Chikno, who can tell a
+fortune when she pleases better than anyone else, tell them a fortune,
+and she, being in a good mind, told them a fortune which pleased them
+very much.  So after they had heard their fortunes, one of them asked if
+any of our women could sing, and I told them several could, more
+particularly Leviathan--you know Leviathan, she is not here now, but some
+miles distant, she is our best singer, Ursula coming next.  So the lady
+said she should like to hear Leviathan sing, whereupon Leviathan sang the
+Gudlo pesham, {48} and Piramus played the tune of the same name, which,
+as you know, means the honeycomb, the song and the tune being well
+entitled to the name, being wonderfully sweet.  Well, everybody present
+seemed mighty well pleased with the song and music, with the exception of
+one person, a carroty-haired Scotch body; how he came there I don't know,
+but there he was; and coming forward, he began in Scotch as broad as a
+barndoor, to find fault with the music and the song, saying that he had
+never heard viler stuff than either.  Well, brother, out of consideration
+for the civil gentry with whom the fellow had come, I held my peace for a
+long time, and in order to get the subject changed, I said to Mikailia in
+Romany, 'you have told the ladies their fortunes, now tell the gentlemen
+theirs, quick, quick--pen lende dukkerin. {49}  Well, brother, the
+Scotchman, I suppose, thinking I was speaking ill of him, fell into a
+greater passion than before, and catching hold of the word
+dukkerin--"Dukkerin," said he, "what's dukkerin?"  "Dukkerin," said I,
+"is fortune--a man or woman's destiny; don't you like the word?"  "Word!
+d'ye ca' that a word? a bonnie word," said he.  "Perhaps you'll tell us
+what it is in Scotch," said I, "in order that we may improve our language
+by a Scotch word; a pal of mine has told me that we have taken a great
+many words from foreign lingos."  "Why, then, if that be the case,
+fellow, I will tell you; it is e'en 'spaeing,'" said he very seriously.
+"Well, then," said I, "I'll keep my own word, which is much the
+prettiest--spaeing! spaeing! why, I should be ashamed to make use of the
+word, it sounds so much like a certain other word," and then I made a
+face as if I were unwell.  "Perhaps it's Scotch also for that?"  "What do
+ye mean by speaking in that guise to a gentleman?" said he, "you insolent
+vagabond, without a name or a country."  "There you are mistaken," said
+I, "my country is Egypt, but we 'Gyptians, like you Scotch, are rather
+fond of travelling, and as for name--my name is Jasper Petulengro,
+perhaps you have a better; what is it?"  "Sandy Macraw."  At that,
+brother, the gentlemen burst into a roar of laughter, and all the ladies
+tittered.'
+
+'You were rather severe on the Scotchman, Jasper.'
+
+'Not at all, brother, and suppose I were, he began first; I am the
+civilest man in the world, and never interfere with anybody who lets me
+and mine alone.  He finds fault with Romany, forsooth! why L---d
+A'mighty, what's Scotch?  He doesn't like our songs; what are his own?  I
+understand them as little as he mine; I have heard one or two of them,
+and pretty rubbish they seemed.  But the best of the joke is, the
+fellow's finding fault with Piramus's fiddle--a chap from the land of
+bagpipes finding fault with Piramus's fiddle!  Why, I'll back that fiddle
+against all the bagpipes in Scotland, and Piramus against all the
+bagpipers; for though Piramus weighs but ten stone, he shall flog a
+Scotchman of twenty.'
+
+'Scotchmen are never so fat as that,' said I, 'unless indeed, they have
+been a long time pensioners of England.  I say, Jasper, what remarkable
+names your people have!'
+
+'And what pretty names, brother; there's my own, for example, Jasper;
+then there's Ambrose {50} and Sylvester; then there's Culvato, which
+signifies Claude; then there's Piramus, that's a nice name brother.'
+
+'Then there's your wife's name, Pakomovna, then there's Ursula and
+Morella.'
+
+'Then, brother, there's Ercilla.'
+
+'Ercilla! the name of the great poet of Spain, how wonderful; then
+Leviathan.'
+
+'The name of a ship, brother; Leviathan was named after a ship, so don't
+make a wonder out of her.  But there's Sanpriel and Synfye.'
+
+'Ay, and Clementina and Lavinia, Camillia and Lydia, Curlanda, and
+Orlanda; wherever did they get those names?'
+
+'Where did my wife get her necklace, brother?'
+
+'She knows best, Jasper.  I hope--'
+
+'Come, no hoping!  She got it from her grandmother, who died at the age
+of a hundred and three, and sleeps in Coggeshall churchyard.  She got it
+from her mother, who also died very old, and who could give no other
+account of it than that it had been in the family time out of mind.'
+
+'Whence could they have got it?'
+
+'Why, perhaps where they got their names, brother.  A gentleman who had
+travelled much, once told me that he had seen the sister of it about the
+neck of an Indian queen.'
+
+'Some of your names, Jasper, appear to be church names--your own, for
+example, and Ambrose and Sylvester; perhaps you got them from the
+Papists, in the times of Popery, but where did you get such a name as
+Piramus, a name of Grecian romance.  Then some of them appear to be
+Slavonian; for example Mikailia and Pakomovna.  I don't know much of
+Slavonian; but--'
+
+'What is Slavonian, brother?'
+
+'The family name of certain nations, the principal of which is the
+Russian, and from which the word slave is originally derived.  You have
+heard of the Russians, Jasper?'
+
+'Yes, brother, and seen some.  I saw their crallis at the time of the
+peace; he was not a bad-looking man for a Russian.'
+
+'By-the-bye, Jasper, I'm half inclined to think that crallis {51a} is a
+Slavish word.  I saw something like it in a lil {51b} called "Voltaire's
+Life of Charles."  How you should have come by such names and words is to
+me incomprehensible.'
+
+'You seem posed, brother.'
+
+'I really know very little about you, Jasper.'
+
+'Very little indeed, brother.  We know very little about ourselves, and
+you know nothing, save what we have told you; and we have now and then
+told you things about us which are not exactly true, simply to make a
+fool of you brother.  You will say that was wrong; perhaps it was.  Well,
+Sunday will be here in a day or two, when we will go to church, where
+possibly we shall hear a sermon on the disastrous consequences of lying.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+THE CHURCH--THE ARISTOCRATICAL PEW--DAYS OF YORE--THE CLERGYMAN--'IN WHAT
+WOULD A MAN BE PROFITED?'
+
+When two days had passed, Sunday came; I breakfasted by myself in the
+solitary dingle; and then, having set things a little to rights, I
+ascended to Mr. Petulengro's encampment.  I could hear church-bells
+ringing around in the distance, appearing to say, 'Come to church, come
+to church,' as clearly as it was possible for church-bells to say.  I
+found Mr. Petulengro seated by the door of his tent, smoking his pipe, in
+rather an ungenteel undress.  'Well, Jasper,' said I, 'are you ready to
+go to church; for if you are, I am ready to accompany you?'  'I am not
+ready, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro, 'nor is my wife; the church, too,
+to which we shall go is three miles off {52}; so it is of no use to think
+of going there this morning, as the service would be three-quarters over
+before we got there; if, however, you are disposed to go in the
+afternoon, we are your people.'  Thereupon I returned to my dingle, where
+I passed several hours in conning the Welsh Bible, which the preacher,
+Peter Williams, had given me.
+
+At last I gave over reading, took a slight refreshment, and was about to
+emerge from the dingle, when I heard the voice of Mr. Petulengro calling
+me.  I went up again to the encampment, where I found Mr. Petulengro, his
+wife, and Tawno Chikno, ready to proceed to church.  Mr. and Mrs.
+Petulengro were dressed in Roman fashion, though not in the full-blown
+manner in which they had paid their visit to Isopel and myself.  Tawno
+had on a clean white slop, with a nearly new black beaver, with very
+broad rims, and the nap exceedingly long.  As for myself, I was dressed
+in much the same manner as that in which I departed from London, having
+on, in honour of the day, a shirt perfectly clean, having washed one on
+purpose for the occasion, with my own hands, the day before, in the pond
+of tepid water in which the newts and efts were in the habit of taking
+their pleasure.  We proceeded for upwards of a mile, by footpaths through
+meadows and corn-fields; we crossed various stiles; at last, passing over
+one, we found ourselves in a road, wending along which for a considerable
+distance, we at last came in sight of a church, the bells of which had
+been tolling distinctly in our ears for some time; before, however, we
+reached the church-yard the bells had ceased their melody.  It was
+surrounded by lofty beech-trees of brilliant green foliage.  We entered
+the gate, Mrs. Petulengro leading the way, and proceeded to a small door
+near the east end of the church.  As we advanced, the sound of singing
+within the church rose upon our ears.  Arrived at the small door, Mrs.
+Petulengro opened it and entered, followed by Tawno Chikno.  I myself
+went last of all, following Mr. Petulengro, who, before I entered, turned
+round, and, with a significant nod, advised me to take care how I
+behaved.  The part of the church which we had entered was the chancel; on
+one side stood a number of venerable old men--probably the neighbouring
+poor--and on the other a number of poor girls belonging to the village
+school, dressed in white gowns and straw bonnets, whom two elegant but
+simply dressed young women were superintending.  Every voice seemed to be
+united in singing a certain anthem, which, notwithstanding it was written
+neither by Tate nor Brady, contains some of the sublimest words which
+were ever put together, not the worst of which are those which burst on
+our ears as we entered.
+
+    'Every eye shall now behold Him,
+    Robed in dreadful majesty;
+    Those who set at nought and sold Him,
+    Pierced and nailed Him to the tree,
+          Deeply wailing,
+          Shall the true Messiah see.'
+
+Still following Mrs. Petulengro, we proceeded down the chancel and along
+the aisle; notwithstanding the singing, I could distinctly hear as we
+passed many a voice whispering, 'Here come the gypsies! here come the
+gypsies!'  I felt rather embarrassed, with a somewhat awkward doubt as to
+where we were to sit; none of the occupiers of the pews, who appeared to
+consist almost entirely of farmers, with their wives, sons and daughters,
+opened a door to admit us.  Mrs. Petulengro, however, appeared to feel
+not the least embarrassment, but tripped along the aisle with the
+greatest nonchalance.  We passed under the pulpit, in which stood the
+clergyman in his white surplice, and reached the middle of the church,
+where we were confronted by the sexton dressed in long blue coat, and
+holding in his hand a wand.  This functionary motioned towards the lower
+end of the church, where were certain benches, partly occupied by poor
+people and boys.  Mrs. Petulengro, however, with a toss of her head,
+directed her course to a magnificent pew, which was unoccupied, which she
+opened and entered, followed closely by Tawno Chikno, Mr. Petulengro, and
+myself.  The sexton did not appear by any means to approve of the
+arrangement, and as I stood next the door laid his finger on my arm, as
+if to intimate that myself and companions must quit our aristocratical
+location.  I said nothing, but directed my eyes to the clergyman, who
+uttered a short and expressive cough; the sexton looked at him for a
+moment, and then, bowing his head, closed the door--in a moment more the
+music ceased.  I took up a Prayer-book, on which was engraved an earl's
+coronet.  The clergyman uttered, 'I will arise and go to my father.'
+England's sublime liturgy had commenced.
+
+Oh what feelings came over me on finding myself again in an edifice
+devoted to the religion of my country.  I had not been in such a place I
+cannot tell for how long--certainly not for years; and now I had found my
+way there again, it appeared as if I had fallen asleep in the pew of the
+old church of pretty D---. {54a}  I had occasionally done so when a
+child, and had suddenly woke up.  Yes, surely I had been asleep and had
+woken up; but, no! alas, no!  I had not been asleep--at least not in the
+old church--if I had been asleep I had been walking in my sleep,
+struggling, striving, learning, and unlearning in my sleep.  Years had
+rolled away whilst I had been asleep--ripe fruit had fallen, green fruit
+had come on whilst I had been asleep--how circumstances had altered, and
+above all myself, whilst I had been asleep.  No, I had not been asleep in
+the old church!  I was in a pew it is true, but not the pew of black
+leather, in which I sometimes fell asleep in days of yore, but in a
+strange pew; and then my companions, they were no longer those of days of
+yore.  I was no longer with my respectable father and mother, and my dear
+brother, but with the gypsy cral {54b} and his wife, and the gigantic
+Tawno, the Antinous of the dusky people.  And what was I myself?  No
+longer an innocent child, but a moody man, bearing in my face, as I knew
+well, the marks of my strivings and strugglings, of what I had learnt and
+unlearnt; nevertheless, the general aspect of things brought to my mind
+what I had felt and seen of yore.  There was difference enough it is
+true, but still there was a similarity--at least I thought so--the
+church, the clergyman, and the clerk, differing in many respects from
+those of pretty D---, put me strangely in mind of them; and then the
+words!--by-the-by, was it not the magic of the words which brought the
+dear enchanting past so powerfully before the mind of Lavengro? for the
+words were the same sonorous words of high import which had first made an
+impression on his childish ear in the old church of pretty D---.
+
+The liturgy was now over, during the reading of which my companions
+behaved in a most unexceptionable manner, sitting down and rising up when
+other people sat down and rose, and holding in their hands Prayer-books
+which they found in the pew, into which they stared intently, though I
+observed that, with the exception of Mrs. Petulengro, who knew how to
+read a little, they held the books by the top, and not the bottom, as is
+the usual way.  The clergyman now ascended the pulpit, arrayed in his
+black gown.  The congregation composed themselves to attention, as did
+also my companions, who fixed their eyes upon the clergyman with a
+certain strange immovable stare, which I believe to be peculiar to their
+race.  The clergyman gave out his text, and began to preach.  He was a
+tall, gentlemanly man, seemingly between fifty and sixty, with greyish
+hair; his features were very handsome, but with a somewhat melancholy
+cast: the tones of his voice were rich and noble, but also with somewhat
+of melancholy in them.  The text which he gave out was the following one,
+'In what would a man be profited, provided he gained the whole world, and
+lost his own soul?'
+
+And on this text the clergyman preached long and well: he did not read
+his sermon, but spoke it extempore; his doing so rather surprised and
+offended me at first; I was not used to such a style of preaching in a
+church devoted to the religion of my country.  I compared it within my
+mind with the style of preaching used by the high-church rector in the
+old church of pretty D---, and I thought to myself it was very different,
+and being very different I did not like it, and I thought to myself how
+scandalized the people of D--- would have been had they heard it, and I
+figured to myself how indignant the high-church clerk would have been had
+any clergyman got up in the church of D--- and preached in such a manner.
+Did it not savour strongly of dissent, methodism, and similar low stuff?
+Surely it did; why the Methodist I had heard preach on the heath above
+the old city, preached in the same manner--at least he preached
+extempore; ay, and something like the present clergyman, for the
+Methodist spoke very zealously and with great feeling, and so did the
+present clergyman; so I, of course, felt rather offended with the
+clergyman for speaking with zeal and feeling.  However, long before the
+sermon was over I forgot the offence which I had taken, and listened to
+the sermon with much admiration, for the eloquence and powerful reasoning
+with which it abounded.
+
+Oh how eloquent he was when he talked of the inestimable value of a man's
+soul, which he said endured for ever, whilst his body, as everyone knew,
+lasted at most for a very contemptible period of time; and how forcibly
+he reasoned on the folly of a man, who, for the sake of gaining the whole
+world--a thing, he said, which provided he gained he could only possess
+for a part of the time, during which his perishable body existed--should
+lose his soul, that is, cause that precious deathless portion of him to
+suffer indescribable misery time without end.
+
+There was one part of his sermon which struck me in a very particular
+manner, he said: 'That there were some people who gained something in
+return for their souls; if they did not get the whole world, they got a
+part of it--lands, wealth, honour, or renown; mere trifles, he allowed,
+in comparison with the value of a man's soul, which is destined either to
+enjoy delight, or suffer tribulation time without end; but which, in the
+eyes of the worldly, had a certain value, and which afforded a certain
+pleasure and satisfaction.  But there were also others who lost their
+souls and got nothing for them--neither lands, wealth, renown, nor
+consideration, who were poor outcasts, and despised by everybody.  My
+friends,' he added, 'if the man is a fool who barters his soul for the
+whole world, what a fool he must be who barters his soul for nothing.'
+
+The eyes of the clergyman, as he uttered these words, wandered around the
+whole congregation, and when he had concluded them, the eyes of the whole
+congregation were turned upon my companions and myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+RETURN FROM CHURCH--THE CUCKOO AND GYPSY--SPIRITUAL DISCOURSE
+
+The service over, my companions and myself returned towards the
+encampment by the way we came.  Some of the humble part of the
+congregation laughed and joked at us as we passed.  Mr. Petulengro and
+his wife, however, returned their laughs and jokes with interest.  As for
+Tawno and myself, we said nothing; Tawno, like most handsome fellows,
+having very little to say for himself at any time; and myself, though not
+handsome, not being particularly skilful at repartee.  Some boys followed
+us for a considerable time, making all kinds of observations about
+gypsies, but as we walked at a great pace, we gradually left them behind,
+and at last lost sight of them.  Mrs. Petulengro and Tawno Chikno walked
+together, even as they had come, whilst Mr. Petulengro and myself
+followed at a little distance.
+
+'That was a very fine preacher we heard,' said I to Mr. Petulengro, after
+we had crossed the stile into the fields.
+
+'Very fine, indeed, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'he is talked of, far
+and wide, for his sermons; folks say that there is scarcely another like
+him in the whole of England.'
+
+'He looks rather melancholy, Jasper.'
+
+'He lost his wife several years ago, who, they say, was one of the most
+beautiful women ever seen.  They say that it was grief for her loss that
+made him come out mighty strong as a preacher; for, though he was a
+clergyman, he was never heard of in the pulpit before he lost his wife;
+since then the whole country has rung with the preaching of the clergyman
+of M---, {57} as they call him.  Those two nice young gentlewomen whom
+you saw with the female childer are his daughters.'
+
+'You seem to know all about him, Jasper.  Did you ever hear him preach
+before?'
+
+'Never, brother; but he has frequently been to our tent, and his
+daughters, too, and given us tracts; for he is one of the people they
+call Evangelicals, who give folks tracts which they cannot read.'
+
+'You should learn to read, Jasper.'
+
+'We have no time, brother.'
+
+'Are you not frequently idle?'
+
+'Never, brother; when we are not engaged in our traffic we are engaged in
+taking our relaxation, so we have no time to learn.'
+
+'You really should make an effort.  If you were disposed to learn to
+read, I would endeavour to assist you.  You would be all the better for
+knowing how to read.'
+
+'In what way, brother?'
+
+'Why, you could read the Scriptures, and by so doing learn your duty
+towards your fellow-creatures.'
+
+'We know that already, brother; the constables and justices have
+contrived to knock that tolerably into our heads.'
+
+'Yet you frequently break the laws.'
+
+'So, I believe, do now and then those who know how to read, brother.'
+
+'Very true, Jasper; but you really ought to learn to read, as by so doing
+you might learn your duty towards yourselves, and your chief duty is to
+take care of your own souls; did not the preacher say: "In what is a man
+profited, provided he gain the whole world?"'
+
+'We have not much of the world, brother.'
+
+'Very little indeed, Jasper.  Did you not observe how the eyes of the
+whole congregation were turned towards our pew when the preacher said,
+"There are some people who lose their souls, and get nothing in exchange;
+who are outcast, despised, and miserable."  Now, was not what he said
+quite applicable to the gypsies?'
+
+'We are not miserable, brother.'
+
+'Well, then, you ought to be, Jasper.  Have you an inch of ground of your
+own.  Are you of the least use?  Are you not spoken ill of by everybody?
+What's a gypsy?'
+
+'What's the bird noising yonder, brother?'
+
+'The bird!  Oh, that's the cuckoo tolling; but what has the cuckoo to do
+with the matter?'
+
+'We'll see, brother; what's the cuckoo?'
+
+'What is it? you know as much about it as myself, Jasper.'
+
+'Isn't it a kind of roguish, chaffing bird, brother?'
+
+'I believe it is, Jasper.'
+
+'Nobody knows whence it comes, brother?'
+
+'I believe not, Jasper.'
+
+'Very poor, brother, not a nest of its own?'
+
+'So they say, Jasper.'
+
+'With every person's bad word, brother?'
+
+'Yes, Jasper, every person is mocking it.'
+
+'Tolerably merry, brother?'
+
+'Yes, tolerably merry, Jasper.'
+
+'Of no use at all, brother?'
+
+'None whatever, Jasper.'
+
+'You would be glad to get rid of the cuckoos, brother?'
+
+'Why, not exactly, Jasper; the cuckoo is a pleasant, funny bird, and its
+presence and voice give a great charm to the green trees and fields; no,
+I can't say I wish exactly to get rid of the cuckoo.'
+
+'Well, brother, what's a Romany chal?'
+
+'You must answer that question yourself, Jasper.'
+
+'A roguish, chaffing fellow, a'n't he, brother?'
+
+'Ay, ay, Jasper.'
+
+'Of no use at all, brother?'
+
+'Just so, Jasper; I see--'
+
+'Something very much like a cuckoo, brother?'
+
+'I see what you are after, Jasper.'
+
+'You would like to get rid of us, wouldn't you?'
+
+'Why, no, not exactly.'
+
+'We are no ornament to the green lanes in spring and summer time, are we,
+brother? and the voices of our chies with their cukkerin {59a} and
+dukkerin {59b} don't help to make them pleasant?'
+
+'I see what you are at, Jasper.'
+
+'You would wish to turn the cuckoos into barn-door fowls, wouldn't you?'
+
+'Can't say I should, Jasper, whatever some people might wish.'
+
+'And the chals and chies into radical weavers and factory wenches, hey,
+brother?'
+
+'Can't say that I should, Jasper.  You are certainly a picturesque
+people, and in many respects an ornament both to town and country;
+painting and lil writing {59c} too, are under great obligations to you.
+What pretty pictures are made out of your campings and groupings, and
+what pretty books have been written in which gypsies, or at least
+creatures intended to represent gypsies, have been the principal figures.
+I think if we were without you, we should begin to miss you.'
+
+'Just as you would the cuckoos, if they were all converted into barn-door
+fowls.  I tell you what, brother, frequently as I have sat under a hedge
+in spring or summer time and heard the cuckoo, I have thought that we
+chals and cuckoos are alike in many respects, but especially in
+character.  Everybody speaks ill of us both, and everybody is glad to see
+both of us again.'
+
+'Yes, Jasper, but there is some difference between men and cuckoos; men
+have souls, Jasper.'
+
+'And why not cuckoos, brother?'
+
+'You should not talk so, Jasper; what you say is little short of
+blasphemy.  How should a bird have a soul?'
+
+'And how should a man?'
+
+'Oh, we know very well that a man has a soul.'
+
+'How do you know it?'
+
+'We know very well.'
+
+'Would you take your oath of it, brother--your bodily oath?'
+
+'Why, I think I might, Jasper!'
+
+'Did you ever see the soul, brother?'
+
+'No, I never saw it.'
+
+'Then how could you swear to it?  A pretty figure you would make in a
+court of justice, to swear to a thing which you never saw.  Hold up your
+head, fellow.  When and where did you see it?  Now upon your oath,
+fellow, do you mean to say that this Roman stole the donkey's foal?  Oh,
+there's no one for cross-questioning like Counsellor P---.  Our people
+when they are in a hobble always like to employ him, though he is
+somewhat dear.  Now, brother, how can you get over the "upon your oath,
+fellow, will you say that you have a soul?"'
+
+'Well, we will take no oaths on the subject; but you yourself believe in
+the soul.  I have heard you say that you believe in dukkerin; now what is
+dukkerin but the soul science?'
+
+'When did I say that I believed in it?'
+
+'Why, after that fight, when you pointed to the bloody mark in the cloud,
+whilst he you wot of was galloping in the barouch to the old town, amidst
+the rain-cataracts, the thunder, and flame of heaven.'
+
+'I have some kind of remembrance of it, brother.'
+
+'Then, again, I heard you say that the dook {61a} of Abershaw rode every
+night on horseback down the wooded hill.'
+
+'I say, brother, what a wonderful memory you have!'
+
+'I wish I had not, Jasper, but I can't help it, it is my misfortune.'
+
+'Misfortune! well, perhaps it is; at any rate it is very ungenteel to
+have such a memory.  I have heard my wife say that to show you have a
+long memory looks very vulgar, and that you can't give a greater proof of
+gentility than by forgetting a thing as soon as possible--more especially
+a promise, or an acquaintance when he happens to be shabby.  Well,
+brother, I don't deny that I may have said that I believe in dukkerin,
+and in Abershaw's dook, which you say is his soul; but what I believe one
+moment, or say I believe, don't be certain that I shall believe the next,
+or say I do.'
+
+'Indeed, Jasper, I heard you say on a previous occasion on quoting a
+piece of a song, {61b} that when a man dies he is cast into the earth and
+there's an end of him.'
+
+'I did, did I?  Lor' what a memory you have, brother.  But you are not
+sure that I hold that opinion now.'
+
+'Certainly not, Jasper.  Indeed, after such a sermon as we have been
+hearing, I should be very shocked if you held such an opinion.'
+
+'However, brother, don't be sure I do not, however shocking such an
+opinion may be to you.'
+
+'What an incomprehensible people you are, Jasper.'
+
+'We are rather so, brother; indeed, we have posed wiser heads than yours
+before now.'
+
+'You seem to care for so little, and yet you rove about a distinct race.'
+
+'I say, brother!'
+
+'Yes, Jasper.'
+
+'What do you think of our women?'
+
+'They have certainly very singular names, Jasper.'
+
+'Names!  Lavengro!  However, brother, if you had been as fond of things
+as of names, you would never have been a pal of ours.'
+
+'What do you mean, Jasper?'
+
+'A'n't they rum animals?'
+
+'They have tongues of their own, Jasper.'
+
+'Did you ever feel their teeth and nails, brother?'
+
+'Never, Jasper, save Mrs. Herne's.  I have always been very civil to
+them, so--'
+
+'They let you alone.  I say, brother, some part of the secret is in
+them.'
+
+'They seem rather flighty, Jasper.'
+
+'Ay, ay, brother!'
+
+'Rather fond of loose discourse!'
+
+'Rather so, brother.'
+
+'Can you always trust them, Jasper?'
+
+'We never watch them, brother.'
+
+'Can they always trust you?'
+
+'Not quite so well as we can them.  However, we get on very well
+together, except Mikailia and her husband; but Mikailia is a cripple, and
+is married to the beauty of the world, so she may be expected to be
+jealous--though he would not part with her for a duchess, no more than I
+would part with my rawnie, {62a} nor any other chal with his.'
+
+'Ay, but would not the chi part with the chal for a duke, Jasper?'
+
+'My Pakomovna gave up the duke for me, brother.'
+
+'But she occasionally talks of him, Jasper.'
+
+'Yes, brother, but Pakomovna was born on a common not far from the sign
+of the gammon.'
+
+'Gammon of bacon, I suppose.'
+
+'Yes, brother; but gammon likewise means--'
+
+'I know it does, Jasper; it means fun, ridicule, jest; it is an ancient
+Norse word, and is found in the Edda.'
+
+'Lor', brother! how learned in lils you are!'
+
+'Many words of Norse are to be found in our vulgar sayings, Jasper; for
+example--in that particularly vulgar saying of ours, "Your mother is up,"
+{62b} there's a noble Norse word; mother, there, meaning not the female
+who bore us, but rage and choler, as I discovered by reading the Sagas,
+Jasper.'
+
+'Lor', brother! how book-learned you be.'
+
+'Indifferently so, Jasper.  Then you think you might trust your wife with
+the duke?'
+
+'I think I could, brother, or even with yourself.'
+
+'Myself, Jasper!  Oh, I never troubled my head about your wife; but I
+suppose there have been love affairs between gorgios and Romany chies.
+{63}  Why novels are stuffed with such matters; and then even one of your
+own songs says so--the song which Ursula was singing the other
+afternoon.'
+
+'That is somewhat of an old song, brother, and is sung by the chies as a
+warning at our solemn festivals.'
+
+'Well! but there's your sister-in-law, Ursula, herself, Jasper.'
+
+'Ursula, herself, brother?'
+
+'You were talking of my having her, Jasper.'
+
+'Well, brother, why didn't you have her?'
+
+'Would she have had me?'
+
+'Of course, brother.  You are so much of a Roman, and speak Romany so
+remarkably well.'
+
+'Poor thing! she looks very innocent!'
+
+'Remarkably so, brother! however, though not born on the same common with
+my wife, she knows a thing or two of Roman matters.'
+
+'I should like to ask her a question or two, Jasper, in connection with
+that song.'
+
+'You can do no better, brother.  Here we are at the camp.  After tea,
+take Ursula under a hedge, and ask her a question or two in connection
+with that song.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+SUNDAY EVENING--URSULA--ACTION AT LAW--MERIDIANA--MARRIED ALREADY
+
+I took tea that evening with Mr. and Mrs. Petulengro and Ursula, outside
+of their tent.  Tawno was not present, being engaged with his wife in his
+own tabernacle; Sylvester was there, however, lolling listlessly upon the
+ground.  As I looked upon this man, I thought him one of the most
+disagreeable fellows I had ever seen.  His features were ugly, and,
+moreover, as dark as pepper; and, besides being dark, his skin was dirty.
+As for his dress, it was torn and sordid.  His chest was broad, and his
+arms seemed powerful; but, upon the whole, he looked a very caitiff.  'I
+am sorry that man has lost his wife,' thought I; 'for I am sure he will
+never get another.'  What surprises me is, that he ever found a woman
+disposed to unite her lot with his!
+
+After tea I got up and strolled about the field.  My thoughts were upon
+Isopel Berners.  I wondered where she was, and how long she would stay
+away.  At length becoming tired and listless, I determined to return to
+the dingle, and resume the reading of the Bible at the place where I had
+left off.  'What better could I do,' methought, 'on a Sunday evening?'  I
+was then near the wood which surrounded the dingle, but at that side
+which was farthest from the encampment, which stood near the entrance.
+Suddenly, on turning round the southern corner of the copse, which
+surrounded the dingle, I perceived Ursula seated under a thorn-bush.  I
+thought I never saw her look prettier than then, dressed as she was, in
+her Sunday's best.
+
+'Good-evening, Ursula,' said I; 'I little thought to have the pleasure of
+seeing you here.'
+
+'Nor would you, brother,' said Ursula, 'had not Jasper told me that you
+had been talking about me, and wanted to speak to me under a hedge; so,
+hearing that, I watched your motions, and came here and sat down.'
+
+'I was thinking of going to my quarters in the dingle, to read the Bible,
+Ursula, but--'
+
+'Oh, pray then, go to your quarters, brother, and read the Miduveleskoe
+lil; {64} you can speak to me under a hedge some other time.'
+
+'I think I will sit down with you, Ursula; for, after all, reading godly
+books in dingles at eve, is rather sombre work.  Yes, I think I will sit
+down with you;' and I sat down by her side.
+
+'Well, brother, now you have sat down with me under the hedge, what have
+you to say to me?'
+
+'Why, I hardly know, Ursula.'
+
+'Not know, brother; a pretty fellow you to ask young women to come and
+sit with you under hedges, and, when they come, not know what to say to
+them.'
+
+'Oh! ah!  I remember; do you know, Ursula, that I take a great interest
+in you?'
+
+'Thank ye, brother; kind of you, at any rate.'
+
+'You must be exposed to a great many temptations, Ursula.'
+
+'A great many indeed, brother.  It is hard to see fine things, such as
+shawls, gold watches, and chains in the shops, behind the big glasses,
+and to know that they are not intended for one.  Many's the time I have
+been tempted to make a dash at them; but I bethought myself that by so
+doing I should cut my hands, besides being almost certain of being
+grabbed and sent across the gull's bath to the foreign country.'
+
+'Then you think gold and fine things temptations, Ursula?'
+
+'Of course, brother, very great temptations; don't you think them so?'
+
+'Can't say I do, Ursula.'
+
+'Then more fool you, brother; but have the kindness to tell me what you
+would call a temptation?'
+
+'Why, for example, the hope of honour and renown, Ursula.'
+
+'The hope of honour and renown! very good, brother; but I tell you one
+thing, that unless you have money in your pocket, and good broadcloth on
+your back, you are not likely to obtain much honour and--what do you call
+it? amongst the gorgios, to say nothing of the Romany chals.'
+
+'I should have thought, Ursula, that the Romany chals, roaming about the
+world as they do, free and independent, were above being led by such
+trifles.'
+
+'Then you know nothing of the gypsies, brother; no people on earth are
+fonder of those trifles, as you call them, than the Romany chals, and
+more disposed to respect those who have them.'
+
+'Then money and fine clothes would induce you to do anything, Ursula?'
+
+'Ay, ay; brother, anything.'
+
+'To chore, {65a} Ursula?'
+
+'Like enough, brother; gypsies have been transported before now for
+choring.'
+
+'To hokkawar?' {65b}
+
+'Ay, ay, I was telling dukkerin only yesterday, brother.'
+
+'In fact, to break the law in everything?'
+
+'Who knows, brother, who knows? as I said before, gold and fine clothes
+are great temptations.'
+
+'Well, Ursula, I am sorry for it, I should never have thought you so
+depraved.'
+
+'Indeed, brother.'
+
+'To think that I am seated by one who is willing to--to--'
+
+'Go on, brother.'
+
+'To play the thief.'
+
+'Go on, brother.'
+
+'The liar.'
+
+'Go on, brother.'
+
+'The--the--'
+
+'Go on, brother.'
+
+'The--the lubbeny.' {66}
+
+'The what, brother?' said Ursula, starting from her seat.
+
+'Why, the lubbeny; don't you--'
+
+'I tell you what, brother,' said Ursula, looking somewhat pale, and
+speaking very low, 'if I had only something in my hand, I would do you a
+mischief.'
+
+'Why, what is the matter, Ursula?' said I; 'how have I offended you?'
+
+'How have you offended me?  Why, didn't you insinivate just now that I
+was ready to play the--the--'
+
+'Go on, Ursula.'
+
+'The--the--I'll not say it; but I only wish I had something in my hand.'
+
+'If I have offended, Ursula, I am very sorry for it; any offence I may
+have given you was from want of understanding you.  Come, pray be seated,
+I have much to question you about--to talk to you about.'
+
+'Seated, not I!  It was only just now that you gave me to understand that
+you was ashamed to be seated by me, a thief, a liar.'
+
+'Well, did you not almost give me to understand that you were both,
+Ursula?'
+
+'I don't much care being called a thief and a liar,' said Ursula, 'a
+person may be a liar and a thief, and yet a very honest woman, but--'
+
+'Well, Ursula.'
+
+'I tell you what, brother, if you ever sinivate again that I could be the
+third thing, so help me duvel! {67} I'll do you a mischief.  By my God I
+will!'
+
+'Well, Ursula, I assure you that I shall sinivate, as you call it,
+nothing of the kind about you.  I have no doubt, from what you have said,
+that you are a very paragon of virtue--a perfect Lucretia; but--'
+
+'My name is Ursula, brother, and not Lucretia: Lucretia is not of our
+family, but one of the Bucklands; she travels about Oxfordshire; yet I am
+as good as she any day.'
+
+'Lucretia! how odd!  Where could she have got that name?  Well, I make no
+doubt, Ursula, that you are quite as good as she, and she as her namesake
+of ancient Rome; but there is a mystery in this same virtue, Ursula,
+which I cannot fathom; how a thief and a liar should be able, or indeed
+willing, to preserve her virtue is what I don't understand.  You confess
+that you are very fond of gold.  Now, how is it that you don't barter
+your virtue for gold sometimes?  I am a philosopher, Ursula, and like to
+know everything.  You must be every now and then exposed to great
+temptation, Ursula; for you are of a beauty calculated to captivate all
+hearts.  Come, sit down and tell me how you are enabled to resist such a
+temptation as gold and fine clothes?'
+
+'Well, brother,' said Ursula, 'as you say you mean no harm, I will sit
+down beside you, and enter into discourse with you; but I will uphold
+that you are the coolest hand that I ever came nigh, and say the coolest
+things.'
+
+And thereupon Ursula sat down by my side.
+
+'Well, Ursula, we will, if you please, discourse on the subject of your
+temptations.  I suppose that you travel very much about, and show
+yourself in all kinds of places?'
+
+'In all kinds, brother; I travels, as you say, very much about, attends
+fairs and races, and enters booths and public-houses, where I tells
+fortunes, and sometimes dances and sings.'
+
+'And do not people often address you in a very free manner?'
+
+'Frequently, brother; and I give them tolerably free answers.'
+
+'Do people ever offer to make you presents?  I mean presents of value,
+such as--'
+
+'Silk handkerchiefs, shawls, and trinkets; very frequently, brother.'
+
+'And what do you do, Ursula?'
+
+'I take what people offers me, brother, and stows it away as soon as I
+can.'
+
+'Well, but don't people expect something for their presents?  I don't
+mean dukkerin, dancing, and the like; but such a moderate and innocent
+thing as a choomer, {68a} Ursula?'
+
+'Innocent thing, do you call it, brother?'
+
+'The world calls it so, Ursula.  Well, do the people who give you the
+fine things never expect a choomer in return?'
+
+'Very frequently, brother.'
+
+'And do you ever grant it?'
+
+'Never, brother.'
+
+'How do you avoid it?'
+
+'I gets away as soon as possible, brother.  If they follows me, I tries
+to baffle them, by means of jests and laughter; and if they persist, I
+uses bad and terrible language, of which I have plenty in store.'
+
+'But if your terrible language has no effect?'
+
+'Then I screams for the constable, and if he comes not, I uses my teeth
+and nails.'
+
+'And are they always sufficient?'
+
+'I have only had to use them twice, brother; but then I found them
+sufficient.'
+
+'But suppose the person who followed you was highly agreeable, Ursula?  A
+handsome young officer of local militia, for example, all dressed in
+Lincoln green, would you still refuse him the choomer?'
+
+'We makes no difference, brother; the daughters of the gypsy-father makes
+no difference; and, what's more, sees none.'
+
+'Well, Ursula, the world will hardly give you credit for such
+indifference.'
+
+'What cares we for the world, brother! we are not of the world.'
+
+'But your fathers, brothers, and uncles, give you credit I suppose,
+Ursula.'
+
+'Ay, ay, brother, our fathers, brothers, and cokos {68b} gives us all
+manner of credit; for example, I am telling lies and dukkerin in a
+public-house where my batu {69} or coko--perhaps both--are playing on the
+fiddle; well, my batu and my coko beholds me amongst the public-house
+crew, talking nonsense and hearing nonsense; but they are under no
+apprehension; and presently they sees the good-looking officer of
+militia, in his greens and Lincolns, get up and give me a wink, and I go
+out with him abroad, into the dark night perhaps; well, my batu and my
+coko goes on fiddling, just as if I were six miles off asleep in the
+tent, and not out in the dark street with the local officer, with his
+Lincolns and his greens.'
+
+'They know they can trust you, Ursula?'
+
+'Ay, ay, brother; and, what's more, I knows I can trust myself.'
+
+'So you would merely go out to make a fool of him, Ursula?'
+
+'Merely go out to make a fool of him, brother, I assure you.'
+
+'But such proceedings really have an odd look, Ursula.'
+
+'Amongst gorgios, very so, brother.'
+
+'Well, it must be rather unpleasant to lose one's character even amongst
+gorgios, Ursula; and suppose the officer, out of revenge for being
+tricked and duped by you, were to say of you the thing that is not, were
+to meet you on the race-course the next day, and boast of receiving
+favours which he never had, amidst a knot of jeering militia-men, how
+would you proceed, Ursula? would you not be abashed?'
+
+'By no means, brother; I should bring my action of law against him.'
+
+'Your action at law, Ursula?'
+
+'Yes, brother; I should give a whistle, whereupon all one's cokos and
+batus, and all my near and distant relations, would leave their fiddling,
+dukkerin, and horse-dealing, and come flocking about me.  "What's the
+matter, Ursula?" says my coko.  "Nothing at all," I replies, "save and
+except that gorgio, in his greens and his Lincolns, says that I have
+played the --- with him."  "Oho, he does, Ursula," says my coko, "try
+your action of law against him, my lamb," and he puts something privily
+into my hands; whereupon I goes close up to the grinning gorgio, and
+staring him in the face, with my head pushed forward, I cries out: "You
+say I did what was wrong with you last night when I was out with you
+abroad?"  "Yes," says the local officer, "I says you did," looking down
+all the time.  "You are a liar," says I, and forthwith I breaks his head
+with the stick which I holds behind me, and which my coko has conveyed
+privily into my hand.'
+
+'And this is your action at law, Ursula?'
+
+'Yes, brother, this is my action at club-law.'
+
+'And would your breaking the fellow's head quite clear you of all
+suspicion in the eyes of your batus, cokos, and what not?'
+
+'They would never suspect me at all, brother, because they would know
+that I would never condescend to be over intimate with a gorgio; the
+breaking the head would be merely intended to justify Ursula in the eyes
+of the gorgios.'
+
+'And would it clear you in their eyes?'
+
+'Would it not, brother?  When they saw the blood running down from the
+fellow's cracked poll on his greens and Lincolns, they would be quite
+satisfied; why the fellow would not be able to show his face at fair or
+merry-making for a year and three-quarters.'
+
+'Did you ever try it, Ursula?'
+
+'Can't say I ever did, brother, but it would do.'
+
+'And how did you ever learn such a method of proceeding?'
+
+'Why 't is advised by gypsy liri, {70} brother.  It's part of our way of
+settling difficulties amongst ourselves; for example, if a young Roman
+were to say the thing which is not respecting Ursula and himself, Ursula
+would call a great meeting of the people, who would all sit down in a
+ring, the young fellow amongst them; a coko would then put a stick in
+Ursula's hand, who would then get up and go to the young fellow, and say,
+"Did I play the --- with you?" and were he to say "Yes," she would crack
+his head before the eyes of all.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'Ursula, I was bred an apprentice to gorgio law, and of
+course ought to stand up for it, whenever I conscientiously can, but I
+must say the gypsy manner of bringing an action for defamation is much
+less tedious, and far more satisfactory than the gorgiko one.  I wish you
+now to clear up a certain point which is rather mysterious to me.  You
+say that for a Romany chi to do what is unseemly with a gorgio, is quite
+out of the question, yet only the other day I heard you singing a song in
+which a Romany chi confesses herself to be cambri {71a} by a grand
+gorgious gentleman.'
+
+'A sad let down,' said Ursula.
+
+'Well,' said I, 'sad or not, there's the song that speaks of the thing,
+which you give me to understand is not.'
+
+'Well, if the thing ever was,' said Ursula, 'it was a long time ago, and
+perhaps after all not true.'
+
+'Then why do you sing the song?'
+
+'I'll tell you, brother; we sings the song now and then to be a warning
+to ourselves to have as little to do as possible in the way of
+acquaintance with the gorgios; and a warning it is; you see how the young
+woman in the song was driven out of her tent by her mother, with all kind
+of disgrace and bad language; but you don't know that she was afterwards
+buried alive by her cokos and pals {71b} in an uninhabited place; the
+song doesn't say it, but the story says it, for there is a story about
+it, though, as I said before, it was a long time ago, and perhaps, after
+all, wasn't true.'
+
+'But if such a thing were to happen at present, would the cokos and pals
+bury the girl alive?'
+
+'I can't say what they would do,' said Ursula; 'I suppose they are not so
+strict as they were long ago; at any rate she would be driven from the
+tan, {71c} and avoided by all her family and relations as a gorgio's
+acquaintance, so that, perhaps, at last, she would be glad if they would
+bury her alive.'
+
+'Well, I can conceive that there would be an objection on the part of the
+cokos and batus that a Romany chi should form an improper acquaintance
+with a gorgio, but I should think that the batus and cokos could hardly
+object to the chi's entering into the honourable estate of wedlock with a
+gorgio.'
+
+Ursula was silent.
+
+'Marriage is an honourable estate, Ursula.'
+
+'Well, brother, suppose it be?'
+
+'I don't see why a Romany chi should object to enter into the honourable
+estate of wedlock with a gorgio.'
+
+'You don't, brother; don't you?'
+
+'No,' said I, 'and, moreover, I am aware, notwithstanding your evasion,
+Ursula, that marriages and connections now and then occur between gorgios
+and Romany chies; the result of which is the mixed breed called
+half-and-half, which is at present travelling about England, and to which
+the Flaming Tinman belongs, otherwise called Anselo Herne.'
+
+'As for the half-and-halfs,' said Ursula, 'they are a bad set; and there
+is not a worse blackguard in England than Anselo Herne.' {72}
+
+'All what you say may be very true, Ursula, but you admit that there are
+half-and-halfs.'
+
+'The more's the pity, brother.'
+
+'Pity or not, you admit the fact; but how do you account for it?'
+
+'How do I account for it?  Why, I will tell you, by the break up of a
+Roman family, brother--the father of a small family dies, and perhaps the
+mother, and the poor children are left behind, sometimes they are
+gathered up by their relations, and sometimes, if they have none, by
+charitable Romans, who bring them up in the observance of gypsy law; but
+sometimes they are not so lucky, and falls into the company of gorgios,
+trampers, and basket-makers, who live in caravans, with whom they take
+up, and so--I hate to talk of the matter, brother, but so comes this race
+of the half-and-halfs.'
+
+'Then you mean to say, Ursula, that no Romany chi, unless compelled by
+hard necessity, would have anything to do with a gorgio?'
+
+'We are not over fond of gorgios, brother, and we hates basket-makers,
+and folks that live in caravans.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'suppose a gorgio, who is not a basket-maker, a fine
+handsome gorgious gentleman, who lives in a fine house--'
+
+'We are not fond of houses, brother, I never slept in a house in my
+life.'
+
+'But would not plenty of money induce you?'
+
+'I hate houses, brother, and those who live in them.'
+
+'Well, suppose such a person were willing to resign his fine house, and
+for love of you to adopt gypsy law, speak Romany, and live in a tan,
+would you have nothing to say to him?'
+
+'Bringing plenty of money with him, brother?'
+
+'Well, bringing plenty of money with him, Ursula.'
+
+'Well, brother, suppose you produce your man; where is he?'
+
+'I was merely supposing such a person, Ursula.'
+
+'Then you don't know of such a person, brother?'
+
+'Why, no, Ursula; why do you ask?'
+
+'Because, brother, I was almost beginning to think that you meant
+yourself.'
+
+'Myself! Ursula; I have no fine house to resign; nor have I money.
+Moreover, Ursula, though I have a great regard for you, and though I
+consider you very handsome, quite as handsome, indeed, as Meridiana in--'
+
+'Meridiana! where did you meet with her?' said Ursula, with a toss of her
+head.
+
+'Why in old Pulci's--'
+
+'At old Fulcher's! that's not true, brother.  Meridiana is a Borzlam,
+{73a} and travels with her own people, and not with old Fulcher, {73b}
+who is a gorgio, and a basket-maker.'
+
+'I was not speaking of old Fulcher, but Pulci, a great Italian writer,
+who lived many hundred years ago, and who, in his poem called the
+"Morgante Maggiore," speaks of Meridiana, the daughter of--'
+
+'Old Carus Borzlam,' said Ursula; 'but if the fellow you mention lived so
+many hundred years ago, how, in the name of wonder, could he know
+anything of Meridiana?'
+
+'The wonder, Ursula, is, how your people could ever have got hold of that
+name, and similar ones.  The Meridiana of Pulci was not the daughter of
+old Carus Borzlam, but of Caradoro, a great pagan king of the East, who,
+being besieged in his capital by Manfredonio, another mighty pagan king,
+who wished to obtain possession of his daughter, who had refused him, was
+relieved in his distress by certain paladins of Charlemagne, with one of
+whom, Oliver, his daughter Meridiana fell in love.'
+
+'I see,' said Ursula, 'that it must have been altogether a different
+person, for I am sure that Meridiana Borzlam would never have fallen in
+love with Oliver.  Oliver! why that is the name of the curo-mengro, {73c}
+who lost the fight near the chong gav, {74a} the day of the great
+tempest, when I got wet through. {74b}  No, no!  Meridiana Borzlam would
+never have so far forgot her blood as to take up with Tom Oliver.'
+
+'I was not talking of that Oliver, Ursula, but of Oliver, peer of France,
+and paladin of Charlemagne, with whom Meridiana, daughter of Caradoro,
+fell in love, and for whose sake she renounced her religion and became a
+Christian, and finally ingravidata, or cambri, by him:
+
+    '"E nacquene un figliuol, dice la storia,
+    Che dette a Carlo-man poi gran vittoria:"
+
+which means--'
+
+'I don't want to know what it means,' said Ursula; 'no good, I'm sure.
+Well, if the Meridiana of Charles's wain's pal was no handsomer than
+Meridiana Borzlam, she was no great catch, brother; for though I am by no
+means given to vanity, I think myself better to look at than she, though
+I will say she is no lubbeny, and would scorn--'
+
+'I make no doubt she would, Ursula, and I make no doubt that you are much
+handsomer than she, or even the Meridiana of Oliver.  What I was about to
+say, before you interrupted me, is this, that though I have a great
+regard for you, and highly admire you, it is only in a brotherly way,
+and--'
+
+'And you had nothing better to say to me,' said Ursula, 'when you wanted
+to talk to me beneath a hedge, than that you liked me in a brotherly way!
+well, I declare--'
+
+'You seem disappointed, Ursula.'
+
+'Disappointed, brother! not I.'
+
+'You were just now saying that you disliked gorgios, so, of course, could
+only wish that I, who am a gorgio, should like you in a brotherly way; I
+wished to have a conversation with you beneath a hedge, but only with the
+view of procuring from you some information respecting the song which you
+sung the other day, and the conduct of Roman females, which has always
+struck me as being highly unaccountable, so, if you thought anything
+else--'
+
+'What else should I expect from a picker-up of old words, brother?  Bah!
+I dislike a picker-up of old words worse than a picker-up of old rags.'
+
+'Don't be angry, Ursula, I feel a great interest in you; you are very
+handsome, and very clever; indeed, with your beauty and cleverness, I
+only wonder that you have not long since been married.'
+
+'You do, do you, brother?'
+
+'Yes.  However, keep up your spirits, Ursula, you are not much past the
+prime of youth, so--'
+
+'Not much past the prime of youth!  Don't be uncivil, brother, I was only
+twenty-two last month.'
+
+'Don't be offended, Ursula, but twenty-two is twenty-two, or, I should
+rather say, that twenty-two, in a woman is more than twenty-six in a man.
+You are still very beautiful, but I advise you to accept the first offer
+that's made to you.'
+
+'Thank you, brother, but your advice comes rather late; I accepted the
+first offer that was made me five years ago.'
+
+'You married five years ago, Ursula! is it possible?'
+
+'Quite possible, brother, I assure you.'
+
+'And how came I to know nothing about it?'
+
+'How comes it that you don't know many thousand things about the Romans,
+brother?  Do you think they tell you all their affairs?'
+
+'Married Ursula! married!  Well, I declare!'
+
+'You seem disappointed, brother.'
+
+'Disappointed!  Oh! no, not at all; but Jasper, only a few weeks ago,
+told me that you were not married; and, indeed, almost gave me to
+understand that you would be very glad to get a husband.'
+
+'And you believed him?  I'll tell you, brother, for your instruction,
+that there is not in the whole world a greater liar than Jasper
+Petulengro.'
+
+'I am sorry to hear it, Ursula; but with respect to him you married--who
+might he be?  A gorgio, or a Romany chal?'
+
+'Gorgio, or Romany chal?  Do you think I would ever condescend to a
+gorgio?  It was a Camomescro, {75} brother, a Lovell, a distant relation
+of my own.'
+
+'And where is he, and what became of him?  Have you any family?'
+
+'Don't think I am going to tell you all my history, brother; and, to tell
+you the truth, I am tired of sitting under hedges with you, talking
+nonsense.  I shall go to my house.'
+
+'Do sit a little longer, sister Ursula.  I most heartily congratulate you
+on your marriage.  But where is this same Lovell?  I have never seen him:
+I should wish to congratulate him, too.  You are quite as handsome as the
+Meridiana of Pulci, Ursula, ay, or the Despina of Riciardetto.
+Riciardetto, Ursula, is a poem written by one Fortiguerra, about ninety
+years ago, in imitation of the Morgante of Pulci.  It treats of the wars
+of Charlemagne and his Paladins with various barbarous nations, who came
+to besiege Paris.  Despina was the daughter and heiress of Scricca, King
+of Cafria; she was the beloved of Riciardetto, and was beautiful as an
+angel; but I make no doubt you are quite as handsome as she.'
+
+'Brother,' said Ursula--but the reply of Ursula I reserve for another
+chapter, the present having attained to rather an uncommon length, for
+which, however, the importance of the matter discussed is a sufficient
+apology.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+URSULA'S TALE--THE PATTERAN--THE DEEP WATER--SECOND HUSBAND
+
+'Brother,' said Ursula, plucking a dandelion which grew at her feet, 'I
+have always said that a more civil and pleasant-spoken person than
+yourself can't be found.  I have a great regard for you and your
+learning, and am willing to do you any pleasure in the way of words or
+conversation.  Mine is not a very happy story, but as you wish to hear
+it, it is quite at your service.  Launcelot Lovell made me an offer, as
+you call it, and we were married in Roman fashion; that is, we gave each
+other our right hands, and promised to be true to each other.  We lived
+together two years, travelling sometimes by ourselves, sometimes with our
+relations; I bore him two children, both of which were still-born,
+partly, I believe, from the fatigue I underwent in running about the
+country telling dukkerin when I was not exactly in a state to do so, and
+partly from the kicks and blows which my husband, Launcelot, was in the
+habit of giving me every night, provided I came home with less than five
+shillings, which it is sometimes impossible to make in the country,
+provided no fair or merry-making is going on.  At the end of two years my
+husband, Launcelot, whistled a horse from a farmer's field, and sold it
+for forty pounds; and for that horse he was taken, put in prison, tried,
+and condemned to be sent to the other country for life.  Two days before
+he was to be sent away, I got leave to see him in the prison, and in the
+presence of the turnkey I gave him a thin cake of gingerbread, in which
+there was a dainty saw which could cut through iron.  I then took on
+wonderfully, turned my eyes inside out, fell down in a seeming fit, and
+was carried out of the prison.  That same night my husband sawed his
+irons off, cut through the bars of his window, and dropping down a height
+of fifty feet, lighted on his legs, and came and joined me on a heath
+where I was camped alone.  We were just getting things ready to be off,
+when we heard people coming, and sure enough they were runners after my
+husband, Launcelot Lovell; for his escape had been discovered within a
+quarter of an hour after he had got away.  My husband, without bidding me
+farewell, set off at full speed, and they after him, but they could not
+take him, and so they came back and took me, and shook me, and threatened
+me, and had me before the poknees, {77a} who shook his head at me, and
+threatened me in order to make me discover where my husband was, but I
+said I did not know, which was true enough, not that I would have told
+him if I had.  So at last the poknees and the runners, {77b} not being
+able to make anything out of me, were obliged to let me go, and I went in
+search of my husband.  I wandered about with my cart for several days in
+the direction in which I saw him run off, with my eyes bent on the
+ground, but could see no marks of him; at last, coming to four cross
+roads, I saw my husband's patteran.'
+
+'You saw your husband's patteran?' {77c}
+
+'Yes, brother.  Do you know what patteran means?'
+
+'Of course, Ursula; the gypsy trail, the handful of grass which the
+gypsies strew in the roads as they travel, to give information to any of
+their companions who may be behind, as to the route they have taken.  The
+gypsy patteran has always had a strange interest for me, Ursula.'
+
+'Like enough, brother; but what does patteran mean?'
+
+'Why, the gypsy trail, formed as I told you before.'
+
+'And you know nothing more about patteran, brother?'
+
+'Nothing at all, Ursula; do you?'
+
+'What's the name for the leaf of a tree, brother?'
+
+'I don't know,' said I; 'it's odd enough that I have asked that question
+of a dozen Romany chals and chies, and they always told me that they did
+not know.'
+
+'No more they did, brother; there's only one person in England that
+knows, and that's myself--the name for a leaf is patteran.  Now there are
+two that knows it--the other is yourself.'
+
+'Dear me, Ursula, how very strange!  I am much obliged to you.  I think I
+never saw you look so pretty as you do now; but who told you?'
+
+'My mother, Mrs. Herne, told it me one day, brother, when she was in a
+good humour, which she very seldom was, as no one has a better right to
+know than yourself, as she hated you mortally: it was one day when you
+had been asking our company what was the word for a leaf, and nobody
+could tell you, that she took me aside and told me, for she was in a good
+humour, and triumphed in seeing you balked.  She told me the word for
+leaf was patteran, which our people use now for trail, having forgotten
+the true meaning.  She said that the trail was called patteran, because
+the gypsies of old were in the habit of making the marks with the leaves
+and branches of the trees, placed in a certain manner.  She said that
+nobody knew it but herself, who was one of the old sort, and begged me
+never to tell the word to any one but him I should marry, and to be
+particularly cautious never to let you know it, whom she hated.  Well,
+brother, perhaps I have done wrong to tell you; but, as I said before, I
+likes you, and am always ready to do your pleasure in words and
+conversation; my mother, moreover, is dead and gone, and, poor thing,
+will never know anything about the matter.  So, when I married, I told my
+husband about the patteran, and we were in the habit of making our
+private trail with leaves and branches of trees, which none of the other
+gypsy people did; so, when I saw my husband's patteran, I knew it at
+once, and I followed it upwards of two hundred miles towards the north;
+and then I came to a deep, awful-looking water, with an overhanging bank,
+and on the bank I found the patteran, which directed me to proceed along
+the bank towards the east, and I followed my husband's patteran towards
+the east; and before I had gone half a mile, I came to a place where I
+saw the bank had given way, and fallen into the deep water.  Without
+paying much heed I passed on, and presently came to a public-house, not
+far from the water, and I entered the public-house to get a little beer,
+and perhaps to tell a dukkerin, for I saw a great many people about the
+door; and when I entered I found there was what they calls an inquest
+being held upon a body in that house, and the jury had just risen to go
+and look at the body, and being a woman, and having a curiosity, I
+thought I would go with them, and so I did; and no sooner did I see the
+body than I knew it to be my husband's; it was much swelled and altered,
+but I knew it partly by the clothes and partly by a mark on the forehead,
+and I cried out, "It is my husband's body," and I fell down in a fit, and
+the fit that time, brother, was not a seeming one.'
+
+'Dear me,' said I, 'how terrible! but tell me, Ursula, how did your
+husband come by his death?'
+
+'The bank, overhanging the deep water, gave way under him, brother, and
+he was drowned; for, like most of our people, he could not swim, or only
+a little.  The body, after it had been in the water a long time, came up
+of itself, and was found floating.  Well, brother, when the people of the
+neighbourhood found that I was the wife of the drowned man, they were
+very kind to me, and made a subscription for me, with which, after having
+seen my husband buried, I returned the way I had come, till I met Jasper
+and his people, and with them I have travelled ever since: I was very
+melancholy for a long time, I assure you, brother; for the death of my
+husband preyed very much upon my mind.'
+
+'His death was certainly a very shocking one, Ursula; but, really, if he
+had died a natural one, you could scarcely have regretted it, for he
+appears to have treated you barbarously.'
+
+'Women must bear, brother; and, barring that he kicked and beat me, and
+drove me out to tell dukkerin when I could scarcely stand, he was not a
+bad husband.  A man, by gypsy law, brother, is allowed to kick and beat
+his wife, and to bury her alive, if he thinks proper.  I am a gypsy, and
+have nothing to say against the law.'
+
+'But what has Mikailia Chikno to say about it?'
+
+'She is a cripple, brother, the only cripple amongst the Roman people: so
+she is allowed to do and say as she pleases.  Moreover, her husband does
+not think fit to kick or beat her, though it is my opinion she would like
+him all the better if he were occasionally to do so, and threaten to bury
+her alive; at any rate, she would treat him better, and respect him
+more.'
+
+'Your sister does not seem to stand much in awe of Jasper Petulengro,
+Ursula.'
+
+'Let the matters of my sister and Jasper Petulengro alone, brother; you
+must travel in their company some time before you can understand them;
+they are a strange two, up to all kind of chaffing: but two more regular
+Romans don't breathe, and I'll tell you, for your instruction, that there
+isn't a better mare-breaker in England than Jasper Petulengro, if you can
+manage Miss Isopel Berners as well as--'
+
+'Isopel Berners,' said I, 'how came you to think of her?'
+
+'How should I but think of her, brother, living as she does with you in
+Mumper's dingle, and travelling about with you; you will have, brother,
+more difficulty to manage her, than Jasper has to manage my sister
+Pakomovna.  I should have mentioned her before, only I wanted to know
+what you had to say to me; and when we got into discourse, I forgot her.
+I say, brother, let me tell you your dukkerin, with respect to her, you
+will never--'
+
+'I want to hear no dukkerin, Ursula.'
+
+'Do let me tell you your dukkerin, brother, you will never manage--'
+
+'I want to hear no dukkerin, Ursula, in connection with Isopel Berners.
+Moreover, it is Sunday, we will change the subject; it is surprising to
+me that, after all you have undergone, you should still look so
+beautiful.  I suppose you do not think of marrying again, Ursula?'
+
+'No, brother, one husband at a time is quite enough for any reasonable
+mort; especially such a good husband as I have got.'
+
+'Such a good husband! why, I thought you told me your husband was
+drowned?'
+
+'Yes, brother, my first husband was.'
+
+'And have you a second?'
+
+'To be sure, brother.'
+
+'And who is he? in the name of wonder.'
+
+'Who is he?  Why Sylvester, to be sure.'
+
+'I do assure you, Ursula, that I feel disposed to be angry with you; such
+a handsome young woman as yourself to take up with such a nasty
+pepper-faced good-for-nothing--'
+
+'I won't hear my husband abused, brother; so you had better say no more.'
+
+'Why, is he not the Lazarus of the gypsies?  Has he a penny of his own,
+Ursula?'
+
+'Then the more his want, brother, of a clever chi like me to take care of
+him and his childer.  I tell you what, brother, I will chore, if
+necessary, and tell dukkerin for Sylvester, if even so heavy as scarcely
+to be able to stand.  You call him lazy; you would not think him lazy if
+you were in a ring with him; he is a proper man with his hands.  Jasper
+is going to back him for twenty pounds against Slammocks of the Chong
+gav, the brother of Roarer and Bell-metal.  He says he has no doubt that
+he will win.'
+
+'Well, if you like him, I, of course, can have no objection.  Have you
+been long married?'
+
+'About a fortnight, brother; that dinner, the other day, when I sang the
+song, was given in celebration of the wedding.'
+
+'Were you married in a church, Ursula?'
+
+'We were not, brother; none but gorgios, cripples, and lubbenys, are ever
+married in a church; {81} we took each other's words.  Brother, I have
+been with you near three hours beneath this hedge.  I will go to my
+husband.'
+
+'Does he know that you are here?'
+
+'He does, brother.'
+
+'And is he satisfied?'
+
+'Satisfied! of course.  Lor', you gorgies!  Brother, I go to my husband
+and my house.'  And, thereupon, Ursula rose and departed.
+
+After waiting a little time I also arose; it was now dark, and I thought
+I could do no better than betake myself to the dingle; at the entrance of
+it I found Mr. Petulengro.  'Well, brother,' said he, 'what kind of
+conversation have you and Ursula had beneath the hedge?'
+
+'If you wished to hear what we were talking about, you should have come
+and sat down beside us; you knew where we were.'
+
+'Well, brother, I did much the same, for I went and sat down behind you.'
+
+'Behind the hedge, Jasper?'
+
+'Behind the hedge, brother.'
+
+'And heard all our conversation?'
+
+'Every word, brother; and a rum conversation it was.'
+
+''Tis an old saying, Jasper, that listeners never hear any good of
+themselves; perhaps you heard the epithet that Ursula bestowed upon you.'
+
+'If, by epitaph, you mean that she called me a liar, I did, brother, and
+she was not much wrong, for I certainly do not always stick exactly to
+truth; you, however, have not much to complain of me.'
+
+'You deceived me about Ursula, giving me to understand she was not
+married.'
+
+'She was not married when I told you so, brother; that is, not to
+Sylvester; nor was I aware that she was going to marry him.  I once
+thought you had a kind of regard for her, and I am sure she had as much
+for you as a Romany chi can have for a gorgio.  I half expected to have
+heard you make love to her behind the hedge, but I begin to think you
+care for nothing in this world but old words and strange stories.  Lor',
+to take a young woman under a hedge, and talk to her as you did to
+Ursula; and yet you got everything out of her that you wanted, with your
+gammon about old Fulcher and Meridiana.  You are a cunning one, brother.'
+
+'There you are mistaken, Jasper.  I am not cunning.  If people think I
+am, it is because, being made up of art themselves, simplicity of
+character is a puzzle to them.  Your women are certainly extraordinary
+creatures, Jasper.'
+
+'Didn't I say they were rum animals?  Brother, we Romans shall always
+stick together as long as they stick fast to us.'
+
+'Do you think they always will, Jasper?'
+
+'Can't say, brother; nothing lasts for ever.  Romany chies are Romany
+chies still, though not exactly what they were sixty years ago.  My wife,
+though a rum one, is not Mrs. Herne, brother.  I think she is rather fond
+of Frenchmen and French discourse.  I tell you what, brother, if ever
+gypsyism breaks up, it will be owing to our chies having been bitten by
+that mad puppy they calls gentility.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+THE DINGLE AT NIGHT--THE TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION--ROMAN
+FEMALES--FILLING THE KETTLE--THE DREAM--THE TALL FIGURE
+
+I descended to the bottom of the dingle.  It was nearly involved in
+obscurity.  To dissipate the feeling of melancholy which came over my
+mind, I resolved to kindle a fire; and having heaped dry sticks upon my
+hearth, and added a billet or two, I struck a light, and soon produced a
+blaze.  Sitting down, I fixed my eyes upon the blaze, and soon fell into
+a deep meditation.  I thought of the events of the day, the scene at
+church, and what I had heard at church, the danger of losing one's soul,
+the doubts of Jasper Petulengro as to whether one had a soul.  I thought
+over the various arguments which I had either heard, or which had come
+spontaneously to my mind, for or against the probability of a state of
+future existence.  They appeared to me to be tolerably evenly balanced.
+I then thought that it was at all events taking the safest part to
+conclude that there was a soul.  It would be a terrible thing, after
+having passed one's life in the disbelief of the existence of a soul, to
+wake up after death a soul, and to find one's self a lost soul.  Yes,
+methought I would come to the conclusion that one has a soul.  Choosing
+the safe side, however, appeared to me playing rather a dastardly part.
+I had never been an admirer of people who chose the safe side in
+everything; indeed I had always entertained a thorough contempt for them.
+Surely it would be showing more manhood to adopt the dangerous side, that
+of disbelief.  I almost resolved to do so--but yet in a question of so
+much importance, I ought not to be guided by vanity.  The question was
+not which was the safe, but the true side--yet how was I to know which
+was the true side?  Then I thought of the Bible--which I had been reading
+in the morning--that spoke of the soul and a future state; but was the
+Bible true?  I had heard learned and moral men say that it was true, but
+I had also heard learned and moral men say that it was not: how was I to
+decide?  Still that balance of probabilities!  If I could but see the way
+of truth, I would follow it, if necessary, upon hands and knees--on that
+I was determined; but I could not see it.  Feeling my brain begin to turn
+round, I resolved to think of something else; and forthwith began to
+think of what had passed between Ursula and myself in our discourse
+beneath the hedge.
+
+I mused deeply on what she had told me as to the virtue of the females of
+her race.  How singular that virtue must be which was kept pure and
+immaculate by the possessor, whilst indulging in habits of falsehood and
+dishonesty!  I had always thought the gypsy females extraordinary beings.
+I had often wondered at them, their dress, their manner of speaking, and,
+not least, at their names; but, until the present day, I had been
+unacquainted with the most extraordinary point connected with them.  How
+came they possessed of this extraordinary virtue?  Was it because they
+were thievish?  I remembered that an ancient thief-taker, who had retired
+from his useful calling, and who frequently visited the office of my
+master at law, the respectable S---, {84} who had the management of his
+property--I remembered to have heard this worthy, with whom I
+occasionally held discourse, philosophic and profound, when he and I
+chanced to be alone together in the office, say that all first-rate
+thieves were sober, and of well-regulated morals, their bodily passions
+being kept in abeyance by their love of gain; but this axiom could
+scarcely hold good with respect to these women--however thievish they
+might be, they did care for something besides gain: they cared for their
+husbands.  If they did thieve, they merely thieved for their husbands;
+and though, perhaps, some of them were vain, they merely prized their
+beauty because it gave them favour in the eyes of their husbands.
+Whatever the husbands were--and Jasper had almost insinuated that the
+males occasionally allowed themselves some latitude--they appeared to be
+as faithful to their husbands as the ancient Roman matrons were to
+theirs.  Roman matrons! and, after all, might not these be in reality
+Roman matrons?  They called themselves Romans; might not they be the
+descendants of the old Roman matrons?  Might not they be of the same
+blood as Lucretia?  And were not many of their strange names--Lucretia
+amongst the rest--handed down to them from old Rome?  It is true their
+language was not that of old Rome; it was not, however, altogether
+different from it.  After all, the ancient Romans might be a tribe of
+these people, who settled down and founded a village with the tilts of
+carts, which by degrees, and the influx of other people, became the grand
+city of the world.  I liked the idea of the grand city of the world owing
+its origin to a people who had been in the habit of carrying their houses
+in their carts.  Why, after all, should not the Romans of history be a
+branch of these Romans?  There were several points of similarity between
+them; if Roman matrons were chaste, both men and women were thieves.  Old
+Rome was the thief of the world; yet still there were difficulties to be
+removed before I could persuade myself that the old Romans and my Romans
+were identical; and in trying to remove these difficulties, I felt my
+brain once more beginning to turn, and in haste took up another subject
+of meditation, and that was the patteran, and what Ursula had told me
+about it.
+
+I had always entertained a strange interest for that sign by which in
+their wanderings the Romanese gave to those of their people who came
+behind intimation as to the direction which they took; but it now
+inspired me with greater interest than ever--now that I had learnt that
+the proper meaning of it was the leaves of trees.  I had, as I have said
+in my dialogue with Ursula, been very eager to learn the word for leaf in
+the Romanian language, but had never learnt it till this day; so patteran
+signified leaf, the leaf of a tree; and no one at present knew that but
+myself and Ursula, who had learnt it from Mrs. Herne, the last, it was
+said, of the old stock; and then I thought what strange people the
+gypsies must have been in the old time.  They were sufficiently strange
+at present, but they must have been far stranger of old; they must have
+been a more peculiar people--their language must have been more
+perfect--and they must have had a greater stock of strange secrets.  I
+almost wish that I had lived some two or three hundred years ago, that I
+might have observed these people when they were yet stranger than at
+present.  I wondered whether I could have introduced myself to their
+company at that period, whether I should have been so fortunate as to
+meet such a strange, half-malicious, half good-humoured being as Jasper,
+who would have instructed me in the language, then more deserving of note
+than at present.  What might I not have done with that language, had I
+known it in its purity?  Why, I might have written books in it; yet those
+who spoke it would hardly have admitted me to their society at that
+period, when they kept more to themselves.  Yet I thought that I might
+possibly have gained their confidence, and have wandered about with them,
+and learnt their language, and all their strange ways, and then--and
+then--and a sigh rose from the depth of my breast; for I began to think,
+'Supposing I had accomplished all this, what would have been the profit
+of it? and in what would all this wild gypsy dream have terminated?'
+
+Then rose another sigh, yet more profound, for I began to think, 'What
+was likely to be the profit of my present way of life; the living in
+dingles, making pony and donkey shoes, conversing with gypsy-women under
+hedges, and extracting from them their odd secrets?'  What was likely to
+be the profit of such a kind of life, even should it continue for a
+length of time?--a supposition not very probable, for I was earning
+nothing to support me, and the funds with which I had entered upon this
+life were gradually disappearing.  I was living, it is true, not
+unpleasantly, enjoying the healthy air of heaven; but, upon the whole,
+was I not sadly misspending my time?  Surely I was; and, as I looked
+back, it appeared to me that I had always been doing so.  What had been
+the profit of the tongues which I had learnt? had they ever assisted me
+in the day of hunger?  No, no! it appeared to me that I had always
+misspent my time, save in one instance, when by a desperate effort I had
+collected all the powers of my imagination, and written the Life of
+Joseph Sell; {87} but even when I wrote the life of Sell, was I not in a
+false position?  Provided I had not misspent my time, would it have been
+necessary to make that effort, which, after all, had only enabled me to
+leave London, and wander about the country for a time?  But could I,
+taking all circumstances into consideration, have done better than I had?
+With my peculiar temperament and ideas, could I have pursued with
+advantage the profession to which my respectable parents had endeavoured
+to bring me up?  It appeared to me that I could not, and that the hand of
+necessity had guided me from my earliest years, until the present night
+in which I found myself seated in the dingle, staring on the brands of
+the fire.  But ceasing to think of the past which, as irrecoverably gone,
+it was useless to regret, even were there cause to regret it, what should
+I do in future?  Should I write another book like the Life of Joseph
+Sell; take it to London, and offer it to a publisher?  But when I
+reflected on the grisly sufferings which I had undergone whilst engaged
+in writing the Life of Sell, I shrank from the idea of a similar attempt;
+moreover, I doubted whether I possessed the power to write a similar
+work--whether the materials for the life of another Sell lurked within
+the recesses of my brain?  Had I not better become in reality what I had
+hitherto been merely playing at--a tinker or a gypsy?  But I soon saw
+that I was not fitted to become either in reality.  It was much more
+agreeable to play the gypsy or the tinker, than to become either in
+reality.  I had seen enough of gypsying and tinkering to be convinced of
+that.  All of a sudden the idea of tilling the soil came into my head;
+tilling the soil was a healthful and noble pursuit! but my idea of
+tilling the soil had no connection with Britain; for I could only expect
+to till the soil in Britain as a serf.  I thought of tilling it in
+America, in which it was said there was plenty of wild, unclaimed land,
+of which any one, who chose to clear it of its trees, might take
+possession.  I figured myself in America, in an immense forest, clearing
+the land destined, by my exertions, to become a fruitful and smiling
+plain.  Methought I heard the crash of the huge trees as they fell
+beneath my axe; and then I bethought me that a man was intended to
+marry--I ought to marry; and if I married, where was I likely to be more
+happy as a husband and a father than in America, engaged in tilling the
+ground?  I fancied myself in America, engaged in tilling the ground,
+assisted by an enormous progeny.  Well, why not marry, and go and till
+the ground in America?  I was young, and youth was the time to marry in,
+and to labour in.  I had the use of all my faculties; my eyes, it is
+true, were rather dull from early study, and from writing the Life of
+Joseph Sell; but I could see tolerably well with them, and they were not
+bleared.  I felt my arms, and thighs, and teeth--they were strong and
+sound enough; so now was the time to labour, to marry, eat strong flesh,
+and beget strong children--the power of doing all this would pass away
+with youth, which was terribly transitory.  I bethought me that a time
+would come when my eyes would be bleared, and, perhaps, sightless; my
+arms and thighs strengthless and sapless; when my teeth would shake in my
+jaws, even supposing they did not drop out.  No going a wooing then--no
+labouring--no eating strong flesh, and begetting lusty children then; and
+I bethought me how, when all this should be, I should bewail the days of
+my youth as misspent, provided I had not in them founded for myself a
+home, and begotten strong children to take care of me in the days when I
+could not take care of myself; and thinking of these things, I became
+sadder and sadder, and stared vacantly upon the fire till my eyes closed
+in a doze.
+
+I continued dozing over the fire, until rousing myself I perceived that
+the brands were nearly consumed, and I thought of retiring for the night.
+I arose, and was about to enter my tent, when a thought struck me.
+'Suppose,' thought I, 'that Isopel Berners should return in the midst of
+the night, how dark and dreary would the dingle appear without a fire!
+truly, I will keep up the fire, and I will do more; I have no board to
+spread for her, but I will fill the kettle, and heat it, so that, if she
+comes, I may be able to welcome her with a cup of tea, for I know she
+loves tea.'  Thereupon, I piled more wood upon the fire, and soon
+succeeded in producing a better blaze than before; then, taking the
+kettle, I set out for the spring.  On arriving at the mouth of the
+dingle, which fronted the east, I perceived that Charles's wain was
+nearly opposite to it, high above in the heavens, by which I knew that
+the night was tolerably well advanced.  The gypsy encampment lay before
+me; all was hushed and still within it, and its inmates appeared to be
+locked in slumber; as I advanced, however, the dogs, which were fastened
+outside the tents, growled and barked; but presently recognising me, they
+were again silent, some of them wagging their tails.  As I drew near a
+particular tent, I heard a female voice say--'Some one is coming!' and,
+as I was about to pass it, the cloth which formed the door was suddenly
+lifted up, and a black head, and part of a huge naked body protruded.  It
+was the head and upper part of the giant Tawno, who, according to the
+fashion of gypsy men, lay next the door, wrapped in his blanket; the
+blanket, had, however, fallen off, and the starlight shone clear on his
+athletic tawny body, and was reflected from his large staring eyes.
+
+'It is only I, Tawno,' said I, 'going to fill the kettle, as it is
+possible that Miss Berners may arrive this night.'  'Kos-ko,' {89}
+drawled out Tawno, and replaced the curtain.  'Good, do you call it?'
+said the sharp voice of his wife; 'there is no good in the matter; if
+that young chap were not living with the rawnee in the illegal and
+uncertificated line, he would not be getting up in the middle of the
+night to fill her kettles.'  Passing on, I proceeded to the spring, where
+I filled the kettle, and then returned to the dingle.
+
+Placing the kettle upon the fire, I watched it till it began to boil;
+then removing it from the top of the brands, I placed it close beside the
+fire, and leaving it simmering, I retired to my tent, where, having taken
+off my shoes, and a few of my garments, I lay down on my palliasse, and
+was not long in falling asleep.  I believe I slept soundly for some time,
+thinking and dreaming of nothing; suddenly, however, my sleep became
+disturbed, and the subject of the patterans began to occupy my brain.  I
+imagined that I saw Ursula tracing her husband, Launcelot Lovell, by
+means of his patterans; I imagined that she had considerable difficulty
+in doing so; that she was occasionally interrupted by parish beadles and
+constables, who asked her whither she was travelling, to whom she gave
+various answers.  Presently methought that, as she was passing by a
+farmyard, two fierce and savage dogs flew at her; I was in great trouble,
+I remember, and wished to assist her, but could not, for though I seemed
+to see her, I was still at a distance; and now it appeared that she had
+escaped from the dogs, and was proceeding with her cart along a gravelly
+path which traversed a wild moor; I could hear the wheels grating amidst
+sand and gravel.  The next moment I was awake, and found myself silting
+up in my tent; there was a glimmer of light through the canvas caused by
+the fire.  A feeling of dread came over me, which was perhaps natural on
+starting suddenly from one's sleep in that wild lone place; I half
+imagined that someone was nigh the tent; the idea made me rather
+uncomfortable, and, to dissipate it, I lifted up the canvas of the door
+and peeped out, and, lo! I had an indistinct view of a tall figure
+standing by the tent.  'Who is that?' said I, whilst I felt my blood rush
+to my heart.  'It is I,' said the voice of Isopel Berners; 'you little
+expected me, I dare say; well, sleep on, I do not wish to disturb you.'
+'But I was expecting you,' said I, recovering myself, 'as you may see by
+the fire and the kettle.  I will be with you in a moment.'
+
+Putting on in haste the articles of dress which I had flung off, I came
+out of the tent, and addressing myself to Isopel, who was standing beside
+her cart, I said: 'Just as I was about to retire to rest I thought it
+possible that you might come to-night, and got everything in readiness
+for you.  Now, sit down by the fire whilst I lead the donkey and cart to
+the place where you stay; I will unharness the animal, and presently come
+and join you.'  'I need not trouble you,' said Isopel; 'I will go myself
+and see after my things.'  'We will go together,' said I, 'and then
+return and have some tea.'  Isopel made no objection, and in about half
+an hour we had arranged everything at her quarters.  I then hastened and
+prepared tea.  Presently Isopel rejoined me, bringing her stool; she had
+divested herself of her bonnet, and her hair fell over her shoulders; she
+sat down, and I poured out the beverage, handing her a cup.  'Have you
+made a long journey to-night?' said I.  'A very long one,' replied Belle,
+'I have come nearly twenty miles since six o'clock.'  'I believe I heard
+you coming in my sleep,' said I; 'did the dogs above bark at you?'
+'Yes,' said Isopel, 'very violently; did you think of me in your sleep?'
+'No,' said I, 'I was thinking of Ursula and something she had told me.'
+'When and where was that?' said Isopel.  'Yesterday evening,' said I,
+'beneath the dingle hedge.'  'Then you were talking with her beneath the
+hedge?'  'I was,' said I, 'but only upon gypsy matters.  Do you know,
+Belle, that she has just been married to Sylvester, so you need not think
+that she and I--.'  'She and you are quite at liberty to sit where you
+please,' said Isopel.  'However, young man,' she continued, dropping her
+tone, which she had slightly raised, 'I believe what you said, that you
+were merely talking about gypsy matters, and also what you were going to
+say, if it was, as I suppose, that she and you had no particular
+acquaintance.'  Isopel was now silent for some time.  'What are you
+thinking of?' said I.  'I was thinking,' said Belle, 'how exceedingly
+kind it was of you to get everything in readiness for me, though you did
+not know that I should come.'  'I had a presentiment that you would
+come,' said I; 'but you forget that I have prepared the kettle for you
+before, though it was true I was then certain that you would come.'  'I
+had not forgotten your doing so, young man,' said Belle; 'but I was
+beginning to think that you were utterly selfish, caring for nothing but
+the gratification of your own strange whims.'  'I am very fond of having
+my own way,' said I, 'but utterly selfish I am not, as I dare say I shall
+frequently prove to you.  You will often find the kettle boiling when you
+come home.'  'Not heated by you,' said Isopel with a sigh.  'By whom
+else?' said I; 'surely you are not thinking of driving me away?'  'You
+have as much right here as myself,' said Isopel, 'as I have told you
+before; but I must be going myself.'  'Well,' said I, 'we can go
+together; to tell you the truth, I am rather tired of this place.'  'Our
+paths must be separate,' said Belle.  'Separate,' said I, 'what do you
+mean?  I shan't let you go alone, I shall go with you; and you know the
+road is as free to me as to you; besides, you can't think of parting
+company with me, considering how much you would lose by doing so;
+remember that you scarcely know anything of the Armenian language; now,
+to learn Armenian from me would take you twenty years.'
+
+Belle faintly smiled.  'Come,' said I, 'take another cup of tea.'  Belle
+took another cup of tea, and yet another; we had some indifferent
+conversation, after which I arose and gave her donkey a considerable feed
+of corn.  Belle thanked me, shook me by the hand, and then went to her
+own tabernacle, and I returned to mine.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+VISIT TO THE LANDLORD--HIS MORTIFICATIONS--HUNTER AND HIS
+CLAN--RESOLUTION
+
+On the following morning, after breakfasting with Belle, who was silent
+and melancholy, I left her in the dingle, and took a stroll amongst the
+neighbouring lanes.  After some time I thought I would pay a visit to the
+landlord of the public house, whom I had not seen since the day when he
+communicated to me his intention of changing his religion.  I therefore
+directed my steps to the house, and on entering it found the landlord
+standing in the kitchen.  Just then two mean-looking fellows, who had
+been drinking at one of the tables, and who appeared to be the only
+customers in the house, got up, brushed past the landlord, and saying in
+a surly tone, 'We shall pay you some time or other,' took their
+departure.  'That's the way they serve me now,' said the landlord, with a
+sigh.  'Do you know those fellows,' I demanded, 'since you let them go
+away in your debt?'  'I know nothing about them,' said the landlord,
+'save that they are a couple of scamps.'  'Then why did you let them go
+away without paying you?' said I.  'I had not the heart to stop them,'
+said the landlord; 'and, to tell you the truth, everybody serves me so
+now, and I suppose they are right, for a child could flog me.'
+'Nonsense,' said I, 'behave more like a man, and with respect to those
+two fellows run after them, I will go with you, and if they refuse to pay
+the reckoning I will help you to shake some money out of their clothes.'
+'Thank you,' said the landlord; 'but as they are gone, let them go on.
+What they have drank is not of much consequence.'  'What is the matter
+with you?' said I, staring at the landlord, who appeared strangely
+altered; his features were wild and haggard, his formerly bluff cheeks
+were considerably sunken in, and his figure had lost much of its
+plumpness.  'Have you changed your religion already, and has the fellow
+in black commanded you to fast?'  'I have not changed my religion yet,'
+said the landlord, with a kind of shudder; 'I am to change it publicly
+this day fortnight, and the idea of doing so--I do not mind telling
+you--preys much upon my mind; moreover, the noise of the thing has got
+abroad, and everybody is laughing at me, and what's more, coming and
+drinking my beer, and going away without paying for it, whilst I feel
+myself like one bewitched, wishing but not daring to take my own part.
+Confound the fellow in black, I wish I had never seen him! yet what can I
+do without him?  The brewer swears that unless I pay him fifty pounds
+within a fortnight he'll send a distress warrant into the house, and take
+all I have.  My poor niece is crying in the room above; and I am thinking
+of going into the stable and hanging myself; and perhaps it's the best
+thing I can do, for it's better to hang myself before selling my soul
+than afterwards, as I'm sure I should, like Judas Iscariot, whom my poor
+niece, who is somewhat religiously inclined, has been talking to me
+about.'  'I wish I could assist you,' said I, 'with money, but that is
+quite out of my power.  However, I can give you a piece of advice.  Don't
+change your religion by any means; you can't hope to prosper if you do;
+and if the brewer chooses to deal hardly with you, let him.  Everybody
+would respect you ten times more provided you allowed yourself to be
+turned into the roads rather than change your religion, than if you got
+fifty pounds for renouncing it.'  'I am half inclined to take your
+advice,' said the landlord, 'only, to tell you the truth, I feel quite
+low, without any heart in me.'  'Come into the bar,' said I, 'and let us
+have something together--you need not be afraid of my not paying for what
+I order.'
+
+We went into the bar-room, where the landlord and I discussed between us
+two bottles of strong ale, which he said were part of the last six which
+he had in his possession.  At first he wished to drink sherry, but I
+begged him to do no such thing, telling him that sherry would do him no
+good, under the present circumstances; nor, indeed, to the best of my
+belief under any, it being of all wines the one for which I entertained
+the most contempt.  The landlord allowed himself to be dissuaded, and,
+after a glass or two of ale, confessed that sherry was a sickly
+disagreeable drink, and that he had merely been in the habit of taking it
+from an idea he had that it was genteel.  Whilst quaffing our beverage,
+he gave me an account of the various mortifications to which he had of
+late been subject, dwelling with particular bitterness on the conduct of
+Hunter, who he said came every night and mouthed him, and afterwards went
+away without paying for what he had drank or smoked, in which conduct he
+was closely imitated by a clan of fellows who constantly attended him.
+After spending several hours at the public-house I departed, not
+forgetting to pay for the two bottles of ale.  The landlord, before I
+went, shaking me by the hand, declared that he had now made up his mind
+to stick to his religion at all hazards, the more especially as he was
+convinced he should derive no good by giving it up.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+PREPARATIONS FOR THE FAIR--THE LAST LESSON--THE VERB SIRIEL
+
+It might be about five in the evening when I reached the gypsy
+encampment.  Here I found Mr. Petulengro, Tawno Chickno, Sylvester, and
+others, in a great bustle, clipping and trimming certain ponies and old
+horses which they had brought with them.  On inquiring of Jasper the
+reason of their being so engaged, he informed me that they were getting
+the horses ready for a fair, which was to be held on the morrow, at a
+place some miles distant, at which they should endeavour to dispose of
+them, adding--'Perhaps, brother, you will go with us, provided you have
+nothing better to do?'  Not having any particular engagement, I assured
+him that I should have great pleasure in being of the party.  It was
+agreed that we should start early on the following morning.  Thereupon I
+descended into the dingle.  Belle was sitting before the fire, at which
+the kettle was boiling.  'Were you waiting for me?' I inquired.  'Yes,'
+said Belle, 'I thought that you would come, and I waited for you.'  'That
+was very kind,' said I.  'Not half so kind,' said she, 'as it was of you
+to get everything ready for me in the dead of last night, when there was
+scarcely a chance of my coming.'  The tea-things were brought forward,
+and we sat down.  'Have you been far?' said Belle.  'Merely to that
+public-house,' said I, 'to which you directed me on the second day of our
+acquaintance.'  'Young men should not make a habit of visiting
+public-houses,' said Belle, 'they are bad places.'  'They may be so to
+some people,' said I, 'but I do not think the worst public-house in
+England could do me any harm.'  'Perhaps you are so bad already,' said
+Belle, with a smile, 'that it would be impossible to spoil you.'  'How
+dare you catch at my words?' said I; 'come, I will make you pay for doing
+so--you shall have this evening the longest lesson in Armenian which I
+have yet inflicted upon you.'  'You may well say inflicted,' said Belle,
+'but pray spare me.  I do not wish to hear anything about Armenian,
+especially this evening.'  'Why this evening?' said I.  Belle made no
+answer.  'I will not spare you,' said I; 'this evening I intend to make
+you conjugate an Armenian verb.'  'Well, be it so,' said Belle; 'for this
+evening you shall command.'  'To command is hramahyel,' said I.  'Ram her
+ill, indeed,' said Belle; 'I do not wish to begin with that.'  'No,' said
+I, 'as we have come to the verbs, we will begin regularly; hramahyel is a
+verb of the second conjugation.  We will begin with the first.'  'First
+of all tell me,' said Belle, 'what a verb is?'  'A part of speech,' said
+I, 'which, according to the dictionary, signifies some action or
+passion--for example, I command you, or I hate you.'  'I have given you
+no cause to hate me,' said Belle, looking me sorrowfully in the face.
+
+'I was merely giving two examples,' said I, 'and neither was directed at
+you.  In those examples, to command and hate are verbs.  Belle, in
+Armenian there are four conjugations of verbs; the first end in el, the
+second in yel, the third in oul, and the fourth in il.  Now, have you
+understood me?'
+
+'I am afraid, indeed, it will all end ill,' said Belle.  'Hold your
+tongue,' said I, 'or you will make me lose my patience.'  'You have
+already made me nearly lose mine,' said Belle.  'Let us have no
+unprofitable interruptions,' said I.  'The conjugations of the Armenian
+verbs are neither so numerous nor so difficult as the declensions of the
+nouns; hear that, and rejoice.  Come, we will begin with the verb hntal,
+a verb of the first conjugation, which signifies to rejoice.  Come along;
+hntam, I rejoice; hntas, thou rejoicest: why don't you follow, Belle?'
+
+'I am sure I don't rejoice, whatever you may do,' said Belle.  'The chief
+difficulty, Belle,' said I, 'that I find in teaching you the Armenian
+grammar, proceeds from your applying to yourself and me every example I
+give.  Rejoice, in this instance, is merely an example of an Armenian
+verb of the first conjugation, and has no more to do with your rejoicing
+than lal, which is also a verb of the first conjugation, and which
+signifies to weep, would have to do with your weeping, provided I made
+you conjugate it.  Come along; hntam, I rejoice; hntas, thou rejoicest,
+hnta, he rejoices; hntamk, we rejoice: now, repeat those words.'
+
+'I can't,' said Belle, 'they sound more like the language of horses than
+of human beings.  Do you take me for--?'  'For what?' said I.  Belle was
+silent.  'Were you going to say mare?' said I.  'Mare! mare! by-the-by,
+do you know, Belle, that mare in old English stands for woman; and that
+when we call a female an evil mare, the strict meaning of the term is
+merely bad woman.  So if I were to call you mare, without prefixing bad,
+you must not be offended.'  'But I should, though,' said Belle.  'I was
+merely attempting to make you acquainted with a philological fact,' said
+I.  'If mare, which in old English, and likewise in vulgar English,
+signifies a woman, sounds the same as mare, which in modern and polite
+English signifies a female horse, I can't help it.  There is no confusion
+of sounds in Armenian, not, at least, in the same instance.  Belle, in
+Armenian, woman is ghin, the same word, by-the-by, a sour queen, whereas
+mare is madagh tzi, which signifies a female horse; and perhaps you will
+permit me to add that a hard-mouthed jade is, in Armenian, madagh tzi
+hsdierah.'
+
+'I can't bear this much longer,' said Belle.  'Keep yourself quiet,' said
+I; 'I wish to be gentle with you; and to convince you, we will skip
+hntal, and also for the present verbs of the first conjugation, and
+proceed to the second.  Belle, I will now select for you to conjugate the
+prettiest verb in Armenian; not only of the second, but also of all the
+four conjugations; that verb is siriel.  Here is the present tense:
+siriem, siries, sire, siriemk, sirek, sirien.  You observe that it runs
+on just in the same manner as hntal, save and except that e is
+substituted for a; and it will be as well to tell you that almost the
+only difference between the second, third, and fourth conjugations, and
+the first, is the substituting in the present, preterite, and other
+tenses, e, or ou, or i for a; so you see that the Armenian verbs are by
+no means difficult.  Come on, Belle, and say siriem.'  Belle hesitated.
+'Pray oblige me, Belle, by saying siriem!'  Belle still appeared to
+hesitate.  'You must admit, Belle, that it is much softer than hntam.'
+'It is so,' said Belle; 'and to oblige you, I will say siriem.'  'Very
+well indeed, Belle,' said I.  'No vartabied, or doctor, could have
+pronounced it better; and now, to show you how verbs act upon pronouns in
+Armenian, I will say siriem zkiez.  Please to repeat siriem zkiez!'
+'Siriem zkiez!' said Belle, 'that last word is very hard to say.'  'Sorry
+that you think so, Belle,' said I.  'Now please to say siria zis.'  Belle
+did so.  'Exceedingly well,' said I.  'Now say yerani the sireir zis.'
+'Yerani the sireir zis,' said Belle.  'Capital!' said I; 'you have now
+said, I love you--love me--ah! would that you would love me!'
+
+'And I have said all these things?' said Belle.  'Yes,' said I; 'you have
+said them in Armenian.'  'I would have said them in no language that I
+understood,' said Belle; 'and it was very wrong of you to take advantage
+of my ignorance, and make me say such things.'  'Why so?' said I; 'if you
+said them, I said them too.'  'You did so,' said Belle; 'but I believe
+you were merely bantering and jeering.'  'As I told you before, Belle,'
+said I, 'the chief difficulty which I find in teaching you Armenian
+proceeds from your persisting in applying to yourself and me every
+example I give.'  'Then you meant nothing after all?' said Belle, raising
+her voice.  'Let us proceed,' said I; 'sirietsi, I loved.'  'You never
+loved any one but yourself,' said Belle; 'and what's more--'
+'Sirietsits, I will love,' said I, 'siriestsies, thou wilt love.'  'Never
+one so thoroughly heartless,' said Belle.  'I tell you what, Belle, you
+are becoming intolerable; but we will change the verb, or rather I will
+now proceed to tell you here, that some of the Armenian conjugations have
+their anomalies; one species of these I wish to bring before your notice.
+As old Villotte {97} says--from whose work I first contrived to pick up
+the rudiments of Armenian--"Est verborum transitivorum, quorum
+infinitivus--"  But I forgot, you don't understand Latin.  He says there
+are certain transitive verbs, whose infinitive is in out-saniel; the
+preterite in outsi; the imperative in oue: for example,
+parghatsoutsaniem, I irritate--'
+
+'You do, you do!' said Belle; 'and it will be better for both of us, if
+you leave off doing so.'
+
+'You would hardly believe, Belle,' said I, 'that the Armenian is in some
+respects closely connected with the Irish, but so it is; for example,
+that word parghatsoutsaniem is evidently derived from the same root as
+feargaim, which, in Irish, is as much as to say I vex.'
+
+'You do, indeed!' said Belle, sobbing.
+
+'But how do you account for it?'
+
+'O man, man!' said Belle, bursting into tears, 'for what purpose do you
+ask a poor ignorant girl such a question, unless it be to vex and
+irritate her?  If you wish to display your learning, do so to the wise
+and instructed, and not to me, who can scarcely read or write.  Oh, leave
+off your nonsense; yet I know you will not do so, for it is the breath of
+your nostrils!  I could have wished we should have parted in kindness,
+but you will not permit it.  I have deserved better at your hands than
+such treatment.  The whole time we have kept company together in this
+place, I have scarcely had one kind word from you, but the strangest--'
+And here the voice of Belle was drowned in her sobs.
+
+'I am sorry to see you take on so, dear Belle,' said I.  'I really have
+given you no cause to be so unhappy.  Surely teaching you a little
+Armenian was a very innocent kind of diversion.'
+
+'Yes, but you went on so long, and in such a strange way, and made me
+repeat such strange examples, as you call them, that I could not bear
+it.'
+
+'Why, to tell you the truth, Belle, it's my way; and I have dealt with
+you just as I would with--'
+
+'A hard-mouthed jade,' said Belle, 'and you practising your
+horse-witchery upon her.  I have been of an unsubdued spirit, I
+acknowledge, but I was always kind to you; and if you have made me cry,
+it's a poor thing to boast of.'
+
+'Boast of!' said I; 'a pretty thing indeed to boast of; I had no idea of
+making you cry.  Come, I beg your pardon: what more can I do?  Come,
+cheer up, Belle.  You were talking of parting; don't let us part, but
+depart, and that together.'
+
+'Our ways lie different,' said Belle.
+
+'I don't see why they should,' said I.  'Come, let us be off to America
+together.'
+
+'To America together?' said Belle, looking full at me.
+
+'Yes,' said I; 'where we will settle down in some forest, and conjugate
+the verb siriel conjugally.'
+
+'Conjugally?' said Belle.
+
+'Yes,' said I; 'as man and wife in America, air yew ghin.'
+
+'You are jesting as usual,' said Belle.
+
+'Not I, indeed.  Come, Belle, make up your mind, and let us be off to
+America; and leave priests, humbug, learning, and languages behind us.'
+
+'I don't think you are jesting,' said Belle; 'but I can hardly entertain
+your offers.  However, young man, I thank you.'
+
+'You had better make up your mind at once,' said I, 'and let us be off.
+I shan't make a bad husband, I assure you.  Perhaps you think I am not
+worthy of you?  To convince you, Belle, that I am, I am ready to try a
+fall with you this moment upon the grass.  Brynhilda, the valkyrie, swore
+that no one should marry her who could not fling her down.  Perhaps you
+have done the same.  The man who eventually married her, got a friend of
+his, who was called Sygurd, the serpent-killer, to wrestle with her,
+disguising him in his own armour.  Sygurd flung her down, and won her for
+his friend, though he loved her himself.  I shall not use a similar
+deceit, nor employ Jasper Petulengro to personate me--so get up, Belle,
+and I will do my best to fling you down.'
+
+'I require no such thing of you, or anybody,' said Belle; 'you are
+beginning to look rather wild.'
+
+'I every now and then do,' said I.  'Come, Belle, what do you say?'
+
+'I will say nothing at present on the subject,' said Belle; 'I must have
+time to consider.'
+
+'Just as you please,' said I, 'to-morrow I go to a fair with Mr.
+Petulengro--perhaps you will consider whilst I am away.  Come, Belle, let
+us have some more tea.  I wonder whether we shall be able to procure tea
+as good as this in the American forest.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+THE DAWN OF DAY--THE LAST FAREWELL--DEPARTURE FOR THE FAIR--THE FINE
+HORSE--RETURN TO THE DINGLE--NO ISOPEL
+
+It was about the dawn of day when I was awakened by the voice of Mr.
+Petulengro shouting from the top of the dingle, and bidding me get up.  I
+arose instantly, and dressed myself for the expedition to the fair.  On
+leaving my tent, I was surprised to observe Belle, entirely dressed,
+standing close to her own little encampment.  'Dear me,' said I, 'I
+little expected to find you up so early.  I suppose Jasper's call
+awakened you, as it did me.'  'I merely lay down in my things,' said
+Belle, 'and have not slept during the night.'  'And why did you not take
+off your things and go to sleep?' said I.  'I did not undress,' said
+Belle, 'because I wished to be in readiness to bid you farewell when you
+departed; and as for sleeping I could not.'  'Well, God bless you!' said
+I, taking Belle by the hand.  Belle made no answer, and I observed that
+her hand was very cold.  'What is the matter with you?' said I, looking
+her in the face.  Belle looked at me for a moment in the eyes, and then
+cast down her own--her features were very pale.  'You are really unwell,'
+said I, 'I had better not go to the fair, but stay here, and take care of
+you.'  'No,' said Belle, 'pray go, I am not unwell.'  'Then go to your
+tent,' said I, 'and do not endanger your health by standing abroad in the
+raw morning air.  God bless you, Belle, I shall be home to-night, by
+which time I expect you will have made up your mind, if not, another
+lesson in Armenian, however late the hour be.'  I then wrung Belle's
+hand, and ascended to the plain above.
+
+I found the Romany party waiting for me, and everything in readiness for
+departing.  Mr. Petulengro and Tawno Chikno were mounted on two old
+horses.  The rest, who intended to go to the fair, amongst whom were two
+or three women, were on foot.  On arriving at the extremity of the plain,
+I looked towards the dingle.  Isopel Berners stood at the mouth, the
+beams of the early morning sun shone full on her noble face and figure.
+I waved my hand towards her.  She slowly lifted up her right arm.  I
+turned away, and never saw Isopel Berners again.
+
+My companions and myself proceeded on our way.  In about two hours we
+reached the place where the fair was to be held.  After breakfasting on
+bread and cheese and ale behind a broken stone wall, we drove our animals
+to the fair.  The fair was a common cattle and horse fair: there was
+little merriment going on, but there was no lack of business.  By about
+two o'clock in the afternoon, Mr. Petulengro and his people had disposed
+of their animals at what they conceived very fair prices--they were all
+in high spirits, and Jasper proposed to adjourn to a public-house.  As we
+were proceeding to one, a very fine horse, led by a jockey, made its
+appearance on the ground.  Mr. Petulengro stopped short, and looked at it
+steadfastly: 'Fino covar dove odoy sas miro {101}--a fine thing were
+that, if it were but mine!' he exclaimed.  'If you covet it,' said I,
+'why do you not purchase it?'  'We low gyptians never buy animals of that
+description; if we did we could never sell them, and most likely should
+be had up as horse-stealers.'  'Then why did you say just now, "It were a
+fine thing if it were but yours?"' said I.  'We gyptians always say so
+when we see anything that we admire.  An animal like that is not intended
+for a little hare like me, but for some grand gentleman like yourself.  I
+say, brother, do you buy that horse!'  'How should I buy the horse, you
+foolish person!' said I.  'Buy the horse, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro,
+'if you have not the money I can lend it you; though I be of lower
+Egypt.'  'You talk nonsense,' said I; 'however, I wish you would ask the
+man the price of it.'  Mr. Petulengro, going up to the jockey, inquired
+the price of the horse--the man, looking at him scornfully, made no
+reply.  'Young man,' said I, going up to the jockey, 'do me the favour to
+tell me the price of that horse, as I suppose it is to sell.'  The
+jockey, who was a surly-looking man, of about fifty, looked at me for a
+moment, then, after some hesitation, said, laconically, 'Seventy.'
+'Thank you,' said I, and turned away.  'Buy that horse,' said Mr.
+Petulengro, coming after me; 'the dook tells me that in less than three
+months he will be sold for twice seventy.'  'I will have nothing to do
+with him,' said I; 'besides, Jasper, I don't like his tail.  Did you
+observe what a mean scrubby tail he has?'  'What a fool you are,
+brother,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'that very tail of his shows his breeding.
+No good bred horse ever yet carried a fine tail--'tis your scrubby-tailed
+horses that are your out-and-outers.  Did you ever hear of Syntax,
+brother?  That tail of his puts me in mind of Syntax.  Well, I say
+nothing more, have your own way--all I wonder at is, that a horse like
+him was ever brought to such a fair of dog cattle as this.'
+
+We then made the best of our way to a public-house, where we had some
+refreshment.  I then proposed returning to the encampment, but Mr.
+Petulengro declined, and remained drinking with his companions till about
+six o'clock in the evening, when various jockeys from the fair came in.
+After some conversation a jockey proposed a game of cards; and in a
+little time, Mr. Petulengro and another gypsy sat down to play a game of
+cards with two of the jockeys.
+
+Though not much acquainted with cards, I soon conceived a suspicion that
+the jockeys were cheating Mr. Petulengro and his companion, I therefore
+called Mr. Petulengro aside, and gave him a hint to that effect.  Mr.
+Petulengro, however, instead of thanking me, told me to mind my own bread
+and butter, and forthwith returned to his game.  I continued watching the
+players for some hours.  The gypsies lost considerably, and I saw clearly
+that the jockeys were cheating them most confoundedly.  I therefore once
+more called Mr. Petulengro aside, and told him that the jockeys were
+cheating him, conjuring him to return to the encampment.  Mr. Petulengro,
+who was by this time somewhat the worse for liquor, now fell into a
+passion, swore several oaths, and asking me who had made me a Moses over
+him and his brethren, told me to return to the encampment by myself.
+Incensed at the unworthy return which my well-meant words received, I
+forthwith left the house, and having purchased a few articles of
+provision, I set out for the dingle alone.  It was dark night when I
+reached it, and descending I saw the glimmer of a fire from the depths of
+the dingle; my heart beat with fond anticipation of a welcome.  'Isopel
+Berners is waiting for me,' said I, 'and the first word that I shall hear
+from her lips is that she has made up her mind.  We shall go to America,
+and be so happy together.'  On reaching the bottom of the dingle,
+however, I saw seated near the fire, not Isopel Berners, but a gypsy
+girl, who told me that Miss Berners when she went away had charged her to
+keep up the fire, and have a kettle boiling against my arrival.  Startled
+at these words, I inquired at what hour Isopel had left, and whither she
+was gone, and was told that she had left the dingle, with her cart, about
+two hours after I departed; but where she was gone she (the girl) did not
+know.  I then asked whether she had left no message, and the girl replied
+that she had left none, but had merely given directions about the kettle
+and fire, putting, at the same time, sixpence into her hand.  'Very
+strange,' thought I; then dismissing the gypsy girl I sat down by the
+fire.  I had no wish for tea, but sat looking on the embers, wondering
+what could be the motive of the sudden departure of Isopel.  'Does she
+mean to return?' thought I to myself.  'Surely she means to return,' Hope
+replied, 'or she would not have gone away without leaving any
+message'--'and yet she could scarcely mean to return,' muttered
+Foreboding, 'or she would assuredly have left some message with the
+girl.'  I then thought to myself what a hard thing it would be, if, after
+having made up my mind to assume the yoke of matrimony, I should be
+disappointed of the woman of my choice.  'Well, after all,' thought I, 'I
+can scarcely be disappointed; if such an ugly scoundrel as Sylvester had
+no difficulty in getting such a nice wife as Ursula, surely I, who am not
+a tenth part so ugly, cannot fail to obtain the hand of Isopel Berners,
+uncommonly fine damsel though she be.  Husbands do not grow upon
+hedge-rows; she is merely gone after a little business and will return
+to-morrow.'
+
+Comforted in some degree by these hopeful imaginings, I retired to my
+tent, and went to sleep.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+GLOOMY FOREBODINGS--THE POSTMAN'S MOTHER--THE LETTER--BEARS AND
+BARONS--THE BEST OF ADVICE
+
+Nothing occurred to me of any particular moment during the following day.
+Isopel Berners did not return; but Mr. Petulengro and his companions came
+home from the fair early in the morning.  When I saw him, which was about
+mid-day, I found him with his face bruised and swelled.  It appeared that
+some time after I had left him, he himself perceived that the jockeys
+with whom he was playing cards were cheating him and his companion, a
+quarrel ensued, which terminated in a fight between Mr. Petulengro and
+one of the jockeys, which lasted some time, and in which Mr. Petulengro,
+though he eventually came off victor, was considerably beaten.  His
+bruises, in conjunction with his pecuniary loss, which amounted to about
+seven pounds, were the cause of his being much out of humour; before
+night, however, he had returned to his usual philosophic frame of mind,
+and, coming up to me as I was walking about, apologized for his behaviour
+on the preceding day, and assured me that he was determined, from that
+time forward, never to quarrel with a friend for giving him good advice.
+
+Two more days passed, and still Isopel Berners did not return.  Gloomy
+thoughts and forebodings filled my mind.  During the day I wandered about
+the neighbouring roads in the hopes of catching an early glimpse of her
+and her returning vehicle; and at night lay awake, tossing about on my
+hard couch, listening to the rustle of every leaf, and occasionally
+thinking that I heard the sound of her wheels upon the distant road.
+Once at midnight, just as I was about to fall into unconsciousness, I
+suddenly started up, for I was convinced that I heard the sound of
+wheels.  I listened most anxiously, and the sound of wheels striking
+against stones was certainly plain enough.  'She comes at last,' thought
+I, and for a few moments I felt as if a mountain had been removed from my
+breast;--'here she comes at last, now, how shall I receive her?  Oh,'
+thought I, 'I will receive her rather coolly, just as if I was not
+particularly anxious about her--that's the way to manage these women.'
+The next moment the sound became very loud, rather too loud, I thought,
+to proceed from her wheels, and then by degrees became fainter.  Rushing
+out of my tent, I hurried up the path to the top of the dingle, where I
+heard the sound distinctly enough, but it was going from me, and
+evidently proceeded from something much larger than the cart of Isopel.
+I could, moreover, hear the stamping of a horse's hoof at a lumbering
+trot.  Those only whose hopes have been wrought up to a high pitch, and
+then suddenly dashed down, can imagine what I felt at that moment; and
+yet when I returned to my lonely tent, and lay down on my hard pallet,
+the voice of conscience told me that the misery I was then undergoing, I
+had fully merited, from the unkind manner in which I had intended to
+receive her, when for a brief minute I supposed that she had returned.
+
+It was on the morning after this affair, and the fourth, if I forget not,
+from the time of Isopel's departure, that, as I was seated on my stone at
+the bottom of the dingle, getting my breakfast, I heard an unknown voice
+from the path above--apparently that of a person descending--exclaim,
+'Here's a strange place to bring a letter to;' and presently an old
+woman, with a belt round her middle, to which was attached a leathern
+bag, made her appearance, and stood before me.
+
+'Well, if I ever!' said she, as she looked about her.  'My good
+gentlewoman,' said I, 'pray what may you please to want?'  'Gentlewoman!'
+said the old dame, 'please to want!--well, I call that speaking civilly,
+at any rate.  It is true, civil words cost nothing; nevertheless, we do
+not always get them.  What I please to want is to deliver a letter to a
+young man in this place; perhaps you be he?'  'What's the name on the
+letter?' said I, getting up and going to her.  'There is no name upon
+it,' said she, taking a letter out of her scrip, and looking at it.  'It
+is directed to the young man in Mumper's Dingle.'  'Then it is for me, I
+make no doubt,' said I, stretching out my hand to take it.  'Please to
+pay me ninepence first,' said the old woman.  'However,' said she,
+'civility is civility, and, being rather a scarce article, should meet
+with some return.  Here's the letter, young man, and I hope you will pay
+for it; for if you do not I must pay the postage myself.'  'You are the
+postwoman, I suppose,' said I, as I took the letter.  'I am the postman's
+mother,' said the old woman; 'but as he has a wide beat, I help him as
+much as I can, and I generally carry letters to places like this, to
+which he is afraid to come himself.'  'You say the postage is ninepence,'
+said I, 'here's a shilling.'  'Well, I call that honourable,' said the
+old woman, taking the shilling, and putting it into her pocket--'here's
+your change, young man,' said she, offering me threepence.  'Pray keep
+that for yourself,' said I; 'you deserve it for your trouble.'  'Well, I
+call that genteel,' said the old woman; 'and as one good turn deserves
+another, since you look as if you couldn't read, I will read your letter
+for you.  Let's see it; it's from some young woman or other, I dare say.'
+'Thank you,' said I, 'but I can read.'  'All the better for you,' said
+the old woman; 'your being able to read will frequently save you a penny,
+for that's the charge I generally make for reading letters; though as you
+behaved so genteely to me, I should have charged you nothing.  Well, if
+you can read, why don't you open the letter, instead of keeping it
+hanging between your finger and thumb?'  'I am in no hurry to open it,'
+said I, with a sigh.  The old woman looked at me for a moment--'Well,
+young man,' said she, 'there are some--especially those who can read--who
+don't like to open their letters when anybody is by, more especially when
+they come from young women.  Well, I won't intrude upon you, but leave
+you alone with your letter.  I wish it may contain something pleasant.
+God bless you,' and with these words she departed.
+
+I sat down on my stone, with my letter in my hand.  I knew perfectly well
+that it could have come from no other person than Isopel Berners; but
+what did the letter contain?  I guessed tolerably well what its purport
+was--an eternal farewell! yet I was afraid to open the letter, lest my
+expectation should be confirmed.  There I sat with the letter, putting
+off the evil moment as long as possible.  At length I glanced at the
+direction, which was written in a fine bold hand, and was directed, as
+the old woman had said, to the young man in 'Mumper's Dingle,' with the
+addition near ---, in the county of ---.  Suddenly the idea occurred to
+me, that, after all, the letter might not contain an eternal farewell,
+and that Isopel might have written, requesting me to join her.  Could it
+be so?'  'Alas! no,' presently said Foreboding.  At last I became ashamed
+of my weakness.  The letter must be opened sooner or later.  Why not at
+once?  So as the bather who, for a considerable time has stood shivering
+on the bank, afraid to take the decisive plunge, suddenly takes it, I
+tore open the letter almost before I was aware.  I had no sooner done so
+than a paper fell out.  I examined it; it contained a lock of bright
+flaxen hair.  'This is no good sign,' said I, as I thrust the lock and
+paper into my bosom, and proceeded to read the letter, which ran as
+follows:
+
+    'TO THE YOUNG MAN IN MUMPER'S DINGLE.
+
+    SIR,
+
+    I send these lines, with the hope and trust that they will find you
+    well, even as I am myself at this moment, and in much better spirits,
+    for my own are not such as I could wish they were, being sometimes
+    rather hysterical and vapourish, and at other times, and most often,
+    very low.  I am at a sea-port, and am just going on shipboard; and
+    when you get these I shall be on the salt waters, on my way to a
+    distant country, and leaving my own behind me, which I do not expect
+    ever to see again.
+
+    'And now, young man, I will, in the first place, say something about
+    the manner in which I quitted you.  It must have seemed somewhat
+    singular to you that I went away without taking any leave, or giving
+    you the slightest hint that I was going; but I did not do so without
+    considerable reflection.  I was afraid that I should not be able to
+    support a leave-taking; and as you had said that you were determined
+    to go wherever I did, I thought it best not to tell you at all; for I
+    did not think it advisable that you should go with me, and I wished
+    to have no dispute.
+
+    'In the second place, I wish to say something about an offer of
+    wedlock which you made me; perhaps, young man, had you made it at the
+    first period of our acquaintance, I should have accepted it, but you
+    did not, and kept putting off and putting off, and behaving in a very
+    strange manner, till I could stand your conduct no longer, but
+    determined upon leaving you and Old England, which last step I had
+    been long thinking about; so when you made your offer at last
+    everything was arranged--my cart and donkey engaged to be sold--and
+    the greater part of my things disposed of.  However, young man, when
+    you did make it, I frankly tell you that I had half a mind to accept
+    it; at last, however, after very much consideration, I thought it
+    best to leave you for ever, because, for some time past, I had become
+    almost convinced, that though with a wonderful deal of learning, and
+    exceedingly shrewd in some things, you were--pray don't be
+    offended--at the root mad! and though mad people, I have been told,
+    sometimes make very good husbands, I was unwilling that your friends,
+    if you had any, should say that Belle Berners, the workhouse girl,
+    took advantage of your infirmity; for there is no concealing that I
+    was born and bred up in a workhouse; notwithstanding that, my blood
+    is better than your own, and as good as the best; you having yourself
+    told me that my name is a noble name, and once, if I mistake not,
+    that it was the same word as baron, which is the same thing as bear;
+    and that to be called in old times a bear was considered as a great
+    compliment--the bear being a mighty strong animal, on which account
+    our forefathers called all their great fighting-men barons, which is
+    the same as bears.
+
+    'However, setting matters of blood and family entirely aside, many
+    thanks to you, young man, from poor Belle, for the honour you did her
+    in making that same offer; for, after all, it is an honour to receive
+    an honourable offer, which she could see clearly yours was, with no
+    floriness nor chaff in it; but, on the contrary, entire sincerity.
+    She assures you that she shall always bear it and yourself in mind,
+    whether on land or water; and as a proof of the good-will she bears
+    to you, she has sent you a lock of the hair which she wears on her
+    head, which you were often looking at, and were pleased to call flax,
+    which word she supposes you meant as a compliment, even as the old
+    people meant to pass a compliment to their great folks, when they
+    called them bears; though she cannot help thinking that they might
+    have found an animal as strong as a bear, and somewhat less uncouth,
+    to call their great folks after: even as she thinks yourself, amongst
+    your great store of words, might have found something a little more
+    genteel to call her hair after than flax, which, though strong and
+    useful, is rather a coarse and common kind of article.
+
+    'And as another proof of the goodwill she bears to you, she sends
+    you, along with the lock, a piece of advice, which is worth all the
+    hair in the world, to say nothing of the flax.
+
+    '_Fear God_, and take your own part. {108}  There's Bible in that,
+    young man; see how Moses feared God, and how he took his own part
+    against everybody who meddled with him.  And see how David feared
+    God, and took his own part against all the bloody enemies which
+    surrounded him--so fear God, young man, and never give in!  The world
+    can bully, and is fond, provided it sees a man in a kind of
+    difficulty, of getting about him, calling him coarse names, and even
+    going so far as to hustle him; but the world, like all bullies,
+    carries a white feather in its tail, and no sooner sees a man taking
+    off his coat, and offering to fight his best, than it scatters here
+    and there, and is always civil to him afterwards.  So when folks are
+    disposed to ill-treat you, young man, say, "Lord have mercy upon me!"
+    and then tip them Long Melford, {109} to which, as the saying goes,
+    there is nothing comparable for shortness all the world over; and
+    these last words, young man, are the last you will ever have from her
+    who is, nevertheless,
+
+                                        'Your affectionate female servant,
+                                                         'ISOPEL BERNERS.'
+
+After reading the letter I sat for some time motionless, holding it in my
+hand.  The day-dream in which I had been a little time before indulging,
+of marrying Isopel Berners, of going with her to America, and having by
+her a large progeny, who were to assist me in felling trees, cultivating
+the soil, and who would take care of me when I was old, was now
+thoroughly dispelled.  Isopel had deserted me, and was gone to America by
+herself, where, perhaps, she would marry some other person, and would
+bear him a progeny, who would do for him what in my dream I had hoped my
+progeny by her would do for me.  Then the thought came into my head that
+though she was gone I might follow her to America, but then I thought
+that if I did I might not find her; America was a very large place, and I
+did not know the port to which she was bound; but I could follow her to
+the port from which she had sailed, and there possibly discover the port
+to which she was bound; but then I did not even know the port from which
+she had set out, for Isopel had not dated her letter from any place.
+Suddenly it occurred to me that the post-mark on the letter would tell me
+from whence it came, so I forthwith looked at the back of the letter, and
+in the post-mark read the name of a well-known and not very distant
+sea-port.  I then knew with tolerable certainty the port where she had
+embarked, and I almost determined to follow her, but I almost instantly
+determined to do no such thing.  Isopel Berners had abandoned me, and I
+would not follow her; 'perhaps,' whispered pride, 'if I overtook her, she
+would only despise me for running after her;' and it also told me pretty
+roundly that, provided I ran after her, whether I overtook her or not, I
+should heartily despise myself.  So I determined not to follow Isopel
+Berners; I took her lock of hair, and looked at it, then put it in her
+letter, which I folded up and carefully stowed away, resolved to keep
+both for ever, but I determined not to follow her.  Two or three times,
+however, during the day, I wavered in my determination, and was again and
+again almost tempted to follow her, but every succeeding time the
+temptation was fainter.  In the evening I left the dingle, and sat down
+with Mr. Petulengro and his family by the door of his tent; Mr.
+Petulengro soon began talking of the letter which I had received in the
+morning.  'Is it not from Miss Berners, brother?' said he.  I told him it
+was.  'Is she coming back, brother?'  'Never,' said I; 'she is gone to
+America, and has deserted me.'  'I always knew that you two were never
+destined for each other,' said he.  'How did you know that?' I inquired.
+'The dook told me so, brother; you are born to be a great traveller.'
+'Well,' said I, 'if I had gone with her to America, as I was thinking of
+doing, I should have been a great traveller.'  'You are to travel in
+another direction, brother,' said he.  'I wish you would tell me all
+about my future wanderings,' said I.  'I can't, brother,' said Mr.
+Petulengro, 'there's a power of clouds before my eye.'  'You are a poor
+seer, after all,' said I, and getting up, I retired to my dingle and my
+tent, where I betook myself to my bed, and there, knowing the worst, and
+being no longer agitated by apprehension, nor agonized by expectation, I
+was soon buried in a deep slumber, the first which I had fallen into for
+several nights.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+THE PUBLIC-HOUSE--LANDLORD ON HIS LEGS AGAIN--A BLOW IN SEASON--THE WAY
+OF THE WORLD--THE GRATEFUL MIND--THE HORSE'S NEIGH
+
+It was rather late on the following morning when I awoke.  At first I was
+almost unconscious of what had occurred on the preceding day;
+recollection, however, by degrees returned, and I felt a deep melancholy
+coming over me, but perfectly aware that no advantage could be derived
+from the indulgence of such a feeling, I sprang up, prepared my
+breakfast, which I ate with a tolerable appetite, and then left the
+dingle, and betook myself to the gypsy encampment, where I entered into
+discourse with various Romanies, both male and female.  After some time,
+feeling myself in better spirits, I determined to pay another visit to
+the landlord of the public-house.  From the position of his affairs when
+I had last visited him, I entertained rather gloomy ideas with respect to
+his present circumstances.  I imagined that I should either find him
+alone in his kitchen smoking a wretched pipe, or in company with some
+surly bailiff or his follower, whom his friend the brewer had sent into
+the house in order to take possession of his effects.
+
+Nothing more entirely differing from either of these anticipations could
+have presented itself to my view than what I saw about one o'clock in the
+afternoon, when I entered the house.  I had come, though somewhat in want
+of consolation myself, to offer any consolation which was at my command
+to my acquaintance Catchpole, and perhaps, like many other people who go
+to a house with 'drops of compassion trembling on their eyelids,' I felt
+rather disappointed at finding that no compassion was necessary.  The
+house was thronged with company, the cries for ale and porter, hot brandy
+and water, cold gin and water, were numerous; moreover, no desire to
+receive and not to pay for the landlord's liquids was manifested--on the
+contrary, everybody seemed disposed to play the most honourable part:
+'Landlord, here's the money for this glass of brandy and water--do me the
+favour to take it; all right, remember I have paid you.'  'Landlord,
+here's the money for the pint of half-and-half--four-pence halfpenny,
+a'nt it?--here's sixpence, keep the change--confound the change!'  The
+landlord, assisted by his niece, bustled about; his brow erect, his
+cheeks plumped out, and all his features exhibiting a kind of surly
+satisfaction.  Wherever he moved, marks of the most cordial amity were
+shown him, hands were thrust out to grasp his, nor were looks of respect,
+admiration, nay almost of adoration, wanting.  I observed one fellow, as
+the landlord advanced, take the pipe out of his mouth, and gaze upon him
+with a kind of grin of wonder, probably much the same as his ancestor,
+the Saxon lout of old, put on when he saw his idol Thur dressed in a new
+kirtle.  To avoid the press, I got into a corner, where, on a couple of
+chairs, sat two respectable-looking individuals, whether farmers or
+sow-gelders, I know not, but highly respectable-looking, who were
+discoursing about the landlord.  'Such another,' said one, 'you will not
+find in a summer's day.'  'No, nor in the whole of England,' said the
+other.  'Tom of Hopton,' said the first; 'ah! Tom of Hopton,' echoed the
+other; 'the man who could beat Tom of Hopton could beat the world.'  'I
+glory in him,' said the first.  'So do I,' said the second, 'I'll back
+him against the world.  Let me hear any one say anything against him, and
+if I don't--' then, looking at me, he added, 'have you anything to say
+against him, young man?'  'Not a word,' said I, 'save that he regularly
+puts me out.'  'He'll put any one out,' said the man, 'any one out of
+conceit with himself;' then, lifting a mug to his mouth, he added, with a
+hiccough, 'I drink his health.'  Presently the landlord, as he moved
+about, observing me, stopped short: 'Ah!' said he, 'are you here?  I am
+glad to see you, come this way.  Stand back,' said he to his company, as
+I followed him to the bar, 'stand back for me and this gentleman.'  Two
+or three young fellows were in the bar, seemingly sporting yokels,
+drinking sherry and smoking.  'Come, gentlemen,' said the landlord,
+'clear the bar, I must have a clear bar for me and my friend here.'
+'Landlord, what will you take?' said one--'a glass of sherry?  I know you
+like it.'  '--- sherry and you too,' said the landlord; 'I want neither
+sherry nor yourself; didn't you hear what I told you?'  'All right, old
+fellow,' said the other, shaking the landlord by the hand--'all right;
+don't wish to intrude--but I suppose when you and your friend have done I
+may come in again.'  Then, with 'A sarvant, sir,' to me, he took himself
+into the kitchen, followed by the rest of the sporting yokels.
+
+Thereupon the landlord, taking a bottle of ale from a basket, uncorked
+it, and pouring the contents into two large glasses, handed me one, and
+motioning me to sit down, placed himself by me; then, emptying his own
+glass at a draught, he gave a kind of grunt of satisfaction, and fixing
+his eyes upon the opposite side of the bar, remained motionless, without
+saying a word, buried apparently in important cogitations.  With respect
+to myself, I swallowed my ale more leisurely, and was about to address my
+friend, when his niece, coming into the bar, said that more and more
+customers were arriving, and how she should supply their wants she did
+not know, unless her uncle would get up and help her.
+
+'The customers!' said the landlord, 'let the scoundrels wait till you
+have time to serve them, or till I have leisure to see after them.'  'The
+kitchen won't contain half of them,' said his niece.  'Then let them sit
+out abroad,' said the landlord.  'But there are not benches enough,
+uncle,' said the niece.  'Then let them stand or sit on the ground,' said
+the uncle; 'what care I?  I'll let them know that the man who beat Tom of
+Hopton stands as well again on his legs as ever.'  Then, opening a side
+door which led from the bar into the back-yard, he beckoned me to follow
+him.  'You treat your customers in rather a cavalier manner,' said I,
+when we were alone together in the yard.
+
+'Don't I?' said the landlord; 'and I'll treat them more so yet; now I
+have got the whip-hand of the rascals I intend to keep it.  I dare say
+you are a bit surprised with regard to the change which has come over
+things since you were last here.  I'll tell you how it happened.  You
+remember in what a desperate condition you found me, thinking of changing
+my religion, selling my soul to the man in black, and then going and
+hanging myself like Pontius Pilate; and I dare say you can't have
+forgotten how you gave me good advice, made me drink ale, and give up
+sherry.  Well, after you were gone, I felt all the better for your talk,
+and what you had made me drink, and it was a mercy that I did feel
+better, for my niece was gone out, poor thing! and I was left alone in
+the house, without a soul to look at, or to keep me from doing myself a
+mischief in case I was so inclined.  Well, things wore on in this way
+till it grew dusk, when in came that blackguard Hunter with his train to
+drink at my expense, and to insult me as usual; there were more than a
+dozen of them, and a pretty set they looked.  Well, they ordered about in
+a very free and easy manner for upwards of an hour and a half,
+occasionally sneering and jeering at me, as they had been in the habit of
+doing for some time past; so, as I said before, things wore on, and other
+customers came in, who, though they did not belong to Hunter's gang, also
+passed off their jokes upon me; for, as you perhaps know, we English are
+a set of low hounds, who will always take part with the many by way of
+making ourselves safe, and currying favour with the stronger side.  I
+said little or nothing, for my spirits had again become very low, and I
+was verily scared and afraid.  All of a sudden I thought of the ale which
+I had drank in the morning, and of the good it did me then, so I went
+into the bar, opened another bottle, took a glass, and felt better; so I
+took another, and feeling better still, I went back into the kitchen just
+as Hunter and his crew were about leaving.  "Mr. Hunter," said I, "you
+and your people will please to pay me for what you have had?"  "What do
+you mean by my people?" said he, with an oath.  "Ah! what do you mean by
+calling us his people?" said the clan.  "We are nobody's people;" and
+then there was a pretty load of abuse, and threatening to serve me out.
+"Well," said I, "I was perhaps wrong to call them your people, and beg
+your pardon and theirs.  And now you will please to pay me for what you
+have had yourself, and afterwards I can settle with them."  "I shall pay
+you when I think fit," said Hunter.  "Yes," said the rest, "and so shall
+we.  We shall pay you when we think fit."  "I tell you what," said
+Hunter, "I conceives I do such an old fool as you an honour when I comes
+into his house and drinks his beer, and goes away without paying for it,"
+and then there was a roar of laughter from everybody, and almost all said
+the same thing.  "Now do you please to pay me, Mr. Hunter?" said I.  "Pay
+you!" said Hunter--"pay you!  Yes, here's the pay," and thereupon he held
+out his thumb, twirling it round till it just touched my nose.  I can't
+tell you what I felt that moment; a kind of madhouse thrill came upon me,
+and all I know is, that I bent back as far as I could, then lunging out,
+struck him under the ear, sending him reeling two or three yards, when he
+fell on the floor.  I wish you had but seen how my company looked at me
+and at each other.  One or two of the clan went to raise Hunter, and get
+him to fight, but it was no go; though he was not killed, he had had
+enough for that evening.  Oh, I wish you had seen my customers; those who
+did not belong to the clan, but had taken part with them, and helped to
+jeer and flout me, now came and shook me by the hand, wishing me joy, and
+saying as how "I was a brave fellow, and had served the bully right!"  As
+for the clan, they all said Hunter was bound to do me justice; so they
+made him pay me what he owed for himself, and the reckoning of those
+among them who said they had no money.  Two or three of them then led him
+away, while the rest stayed behind, and flattered me, and worshipped me,
+and called Hunter all kinds of dogs' names.  What do you think of that?'
+
+'Why,' said I, 'it makes good what I read in a letter which I received
+yesterday.  It is just the way of the world.'
+
+'Ain't it!' said the landlord.  'Well, that ain't all; let me go on.
+Good fortune never yet came alone.  In about an hour comes home my poor
+niece, almost in high sterricks with joy, smiling and sobbing.  She had
+been to the clergyman of M---, the great preacher, to whose church she
+was in the habit of going, and to whose daughters she was well known; and
+to him she told a lamentable tale about my distresses, and about the
+snares which had been laid for my soul; and so well did she plead my
+cause, and so strong did the young ladies back all she said, that the
+good clergyman promised to stand my friend, and to lend me sufficient
+money to satisfy the brewer, and to get my soul out of the snares of the
+man in black; and sure enough the next morning the two young ladies
+brought me the fifty pounds, which I forthwith carried to the brewer, who
+was monstrously civil, saying that he hoped any little misunderstanding
+we had had would not prevent our being good friends in future.  That
+ain't all, the people of the neighbouring country hearing as if by art
+witchcraft that I had licked Hunter, and was on good terms with the
+brewer, forthwith began to come in crowds to look at me, pay me homage,
+and be my customers.  Moreover, fifty scoundrels who owed me money, and
+who would have seen me starve rather than help me as long as they
+considered me a down pin, remembered their debts, and came and paid me
+more than they owed.  That ain't all; the brewer, being about to
+establish a stage-coach and three, to run across the country, says it
+shall stop and change horses at my house, and the passengers breakfast
+and sup as it goes and returns.  He wishes me--whom he calls the best man
+in England--to give his son lessons in boxing, which he says he considers
+a fine manly English art, and a great defence against
+Popery--notwithstanding that only a month ago, when he considered me a
+down pin, he was in the habit of railing against it as a blackguard
+practice, and against me as a blackguard for following it: so I am going
+to commence with young hopeful to-morrow.'
+
+'I really cannot help congratulating you on your good fortune,' said I.
+
+'That ain't all,' said the landlord.  'This very morning the folks of our
+parish made me churchwarden, {116} which they would no more have done a
+month ago, when they considered me a down pin, than they--'
+
+'Mercy upon us!' said I, 'if fortune pours in upon you in this manner,
+who knows but that within a year they may make you justice of the peace.'
+
+'Who knows, indeed!' said the landlord.  'Well, I will prove myself
+worthy of my good luck by showing the grateful mind--not to those who
+would be kind to me now, but to those who were, when the days were rather
+gloomy.  My customers shall have abundance of rough language, but I'll
+knock any one down who says anything against the clergyman who lent me
+the fifty pounds, or against the Church of England, of which he is parson
+and I am churchwarden.  I am also ready to do anything in reason for him
+who paid me for the ale he drank, when I shouldn't have had the heart to
+collar him for the money had he refused to pay; who never jeered or
+flouted me like the rest of my customers when I was a down pin--and
+though he refused to fight cross _for_ me, was never cross _with_ me, but
+listened to all I had to say, and gave me all kinds of good advice.  Now
+who do you think I mean by this last? why, who but yourself--who on earth
+but yourself?  The parson is a good man and a great preacher, and I'll
+knock anybody down who says to the contrary; and I mention him first,
+because why: he's a gentleman, and you a tinker.  But I am by no means
+sure you are not the best friend of the two; for I doubt, do you see,
+whether I should have had the fifty pounds but for you.  You persuaded me
+to give up that silly drink they call sherry, and drink ale; and what was
+it but drinking ale which gave me courage to knock down that fellow
+Hunter--and knocking him down was, I verily believe, the turning point of
+my disorder.  God don't love those who won't strike out for themselves;
+and as far as I can calculate with respect to time, it was just the
+moment after I had knocked down Hunter, that the parson consented to lend
+me the money, and everything began to grow civil to me.  So, dash my
+buttons if I show the ungrateful mind to you!  I don't offer to knock
+anybody down for you, because why--I daresay you can knock a body down
+yourself; but I'll offer something more to the purpose; as my business is
+wonderfully on the increase, I shall want somebody to help me in serving
+my customers, and keeping them in order.  If you choose to come and serve
+for your board, and what they'll give you, give me your fist; or if you
+like ten shillings a week better than their sixpences and ha'pence, only
+say so--though, to be open with you, I believe you would make twice ten
+shillings out of them--the sneaking, fawning, curry-favouring humbugs!'
+
+'I am much obliged to you,' said I, 'for your handsome offer, which,
+however, I am obliged to decline.'
+
+'Why so?' said the landlord.
+
+'I am not fit for service,' said I; 'moreover, I am about to leave this
+part of the country.'  As I spoke, a horse neighed in the stable.  'What
+horse is that?' said I.
+
+'It belongs to a cousin of mine, who put it into my hands yesterday, in
+hopes that I might get rid of it for him, though he would no more have
+done so a week ago, when he considered me a down pin, than he would have
+given the horse away.  Are you fond of horses?'
+
+'Very much,' said I.
+
+'Then come and look at it.'  He led me into the stable, where, in a
+stall, stood a noble-looking animal.
+
+'Dear me,' said I, 'I saw this horse at --- fair.'
+
+'Like enough,' said the landlord; 'he was there, and was offered for
+seventy pounds, but didn't find a bidder at any price.  What do you think
+of him?'
+
+'He's a splendid creature.'
+
+'I am no judge of horses,' said the landlord; 'but I am told he's a
+first-rate trotter, good leaper, and has some of the blood of Syntax.
+What does all that signify?--the game is against his master, who is a
+down pin, is thinking of emigrating, and wants money confoundedly.  He
+asked seventy pounds at the fair; but, between ourselves, he would be
+glad to take fifty here.'
+
+'I almost wish,' said I, 'that I were a rich squire.'
+
+'You would buy him then,' said the landlord.  Here he mused for some
+time, with a very profound look.  'It would be a rum thing,' said he,
+'if, some time or other that horse should come into your hands.  Didn't
+you hear how he neighed when you talked about leaving the country.  My
+granny was a wise woman, and was up to all kind of signs and wonders,
+sounds and noises, the interpretation of the language of birds and
+animals, crowing and lowing, neighing and braying.  If she had been here,
+she would have said at once that that horse was fated to carry you away.
+On that point, however, I can say nothing, for under fifty pounds no one
+can have him.  Are you taking that money out of your pocket to pay me for
+the ale?  That won't do; nothing to pay; I invited you this time.  Now,
+if you are going, you had best get into the road through the yard-gate.
+I won't trouble you to make your way through the kitchen and my
+fine-weather company--confound them!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+MR. PETULENGRO'S DEVICE--THE LEATHERN PURSE--CONSENT TO PURCHASE A HORSE
+
+As I returned along the road I met Mr. Petulengro and one of his
+companions, who told me that they were bound for the public-house;
+whereupon I informed Jasper how I had seen in the stable the horse which
+we had admired at the fair.  'I shouldn't wonder if you buy that horse
+after all, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro.  With a smile at the absurdity
+of such a supposition, I left him and his companion, and betook myself to
+the dingle.  In the evening I received a visit from Mr. Petulengro, who
+forthwith commenced talking about the horse, which he had again seen, the
+landlord having shown it to him on learning that he was a friend of mine.
+He told me that the horse pleased him more than ever, he having examined
+his points with more accuracy than he had an opportunity of doing on the
+first occasion, concluding by pressing me to buy him.  I begged him to
+desist from such foolish importunity, assuring him that I had never so
+much money in all my life as would enable me to purchase the horse.
+Whilst this discourse was going on, Mr. Petulengro and myself were
+standing together in the midst of the dingle.  Suddenly he began to move
+round me in a very singular manner, making strange motions with his
+hands, and frightful contortions with his features, till I became
+alarmed, and asked him whether he had not lost his senses?  Whereupon,
+ceasing his movements and contortions, he assured me that he had not, but
+had merely been seized with a slight dizziness, and then once more
+returned to the subject of the horse.  Feeling myself very angry, I told
+him that if he continued persecuting me in this manner, I should be
+obliged to quarrel with him; adding, that I believed his only motive for
+asking me to buy the animal was to insult my poverty.  'Pretty poverty,'
+said he, 'with fifty pounds in your pocket; however, I have heard say,
+that it is always the custom of your rich people to talk of their
+poverty, more especially when they wish to avoid laying out money.'
+Surprised at his saying that I had fifty pounds in my pocket, I asked him
+what he meant; whereupon he told me that he was very sure that I had
+fifty pounds in my pocket, offering to lay me five shillings to that
+effect.  'Done,' said I; 'I have scarcely more than the fifth part of
+what you say.'  'I know better, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'and if
+you only pull out what you have in the pocket of your slop, I am sure you
+will have lost your wager.'  Putting my hand into the pocket, I felt
+something which I had never felt there before, and pulling it out,
+perceived that it was a clumsy leathern purse, which I found, on opening,
+contained four ten-pound notes, and several pieces of gold.  'Didn't I
+tell you so, brother?' said Mr. Petulengro.  'Now, in the first place,
+please to pay me the five shillings you have lost.'  'This is only a
+foolish piece of pleasantry,' said I; 'you put it into my pocket whilst
+you were moving about me, making faces like a distracted person.  Here,
+take your purse back.'  'I?' said Mr. Petulengro, 'not I, indeed! don't
+think I am such a fool.  I have won my wager, so pay me the five
+shillings, brother.'  'Do drop this folly,' said I, 'and take your
+purse;' and I flung it on the ground.  'Brother,' said Mr. Petulengro,
+'you were talking of quarrelling with me just now.  I tell you now one
+thing, which is, that if you do not take back the purse, I will quarrel
+with you; and it shall be for good and all.  I'll drop your acquaintance,
+no longer call you my pal, and not even say sarshan {119} to you when I
+meet you by the roadside.  Hir mi diblis {120} I never will.'  I saw by
+Jasper's look and tone that he was in earnest, and, as I had really a
+regard for the strange being, I scarcely knew what to do.  'Now, be
+persuaded, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro, taking up the purse, and
+handing it to me; 'be persuaded; put the purse into your pocket, and buy
+the horse.'  'Well,' said I, 'if I did so, would you acknowledge the
+horse to be yours, and receive the money again as soon as I should be
+able to repay you?'
+
+'I would, brother, I would,' said he; 'return me the money as soon as you
+please, provided you buy the horse.'  'What motive have you for wishing
+me to buy that horse?' said I.  'He's to be sold for fifty pounds,' said
+Jasper, 'and is worth four times that sum; though, like many a splendid
+bargain, he is now going a begging; buy him, and I'm confident that, in a
+little time, a grand gentleman of your appearance may have anything he
+asks for him, and found a fortune by his means.  Moreover, brother, I
+want to dispose of this fifty pounds in a safe manner.  If you don't take
+it, I shall fool it away in no time, perhaps at card-playing, for you saw
+how I was cheated by those blackguard jockeys the other day--we gyptians
+don't know how to take care of money: our best plan when we have got a
+handful of guineas is to make buttons with them; but I have plenty of
+golden buttons, and don't wish to be troubled with more, so you can do me
+no greater favour than vesting the money in this speculation, by which my
+mind will be relieved of considerable care and trouble for some time at
+least.'
+
+Perceiving that I still hesitated, he said, 'Perhaps, brother, you think
+that I did not come honestly by the money: by the honestest manner in the
+world, brother, for it is the money I earnt by fighting in the ring: I
+did not steal it, brother, nor did I get it by disposing of spavined
+donkeys, or glandered ponies--nor is it, brother, the profits of my
+wife's witchcraft and dukkerin.'
+
+'But,' said I, 'you had better employ it in your traffic.'  'I have
+plenty of money for my traffic, independent of this capital,' said Mr.
+Petulengro; 'ay, brother, and enough besides to back the husband of my
+wife's sister, Sylvester, against Slammocks of the Chong gav for twenty
+pounds, which I am thinking of doing.'
+
+'But,' said I, 'after all, the horse may have found another purchaser by
+this time.'  'Not he,' said Mr. Petulengro, 'there is nobody in this
+neighbourhood to purchase a horse like that, unless it be your
+lordship--so take the money, brother,' and he thrust the purse into my
+hand.  Allowing myself to be persuaded, I kept possession of the purse.
+'Are you satisfied now?' said I.  'By no means, brother,' said Mr.
+Petulengro, 'you will please to pay me the five shillings which you lost
+to me.'  'Why,' said I, 'the fifty pounds which I found in my pocket were
+not mine, but put in by yourself.'  'That's nothing to do with the
+matter, brother,' said Mr. Petulengro; 'I betted you five shillings that
+you had fifty pounds in your pocket, which sum you had: I did not say
+that they were your own, but merely that you had fifty pounds; you will
+therefore pay me, brother, or I shall not consider you an honourable
+man.'  Not wishing to have any dispute about such a matter, I took five
+shillings out of my under pocket, and gave them to him.  Mr. Petulengro
+took the money with great glee, observing--'These five shillings I will
+take to the public-house forthwith, and spend in drinking with four of my
+brethren, and doing so will give me an opportunity of telling the
+landlord that I have found a customer for his horse, and that you are the
+man.  It will be as well to secure the horse as soon as possible; for
+though the dook tells me that the horse is intended for you, I have now
+and then found that the dook is, like myself, somewhat given to lying.'
+
+He then departed, and I remained alone in the dingle.  I thought at first
+that I had committed a great piece of folly in consenting to purchase
+this horse; I might find no desirable purchaser for him until the money
+in my possession should be totally exhausted, and then I might be
+compelled to sell him for half the price I had given for him, or be even
+glad to find a person who would receive him at a gift; I should then
+remain sans horse, and indebted to Mr. Petulengro.  Nevertheless, it was
+possible that I might sell the horse very advantageously, and by so
+doing, obtain a fund sufficient to enable me to execute some grand
+enterprise or other.  My present way of life afforded no prospect of
+support, whereas the purchase of the horse did afford a possibility of
+bettering my condition, so, after all, had I not done right in consenting
+to purchase the horse? the purchase was to be made with another person's
+property it is true, and I did not exactly like the idea of speculating
+with another person's property, but Mr. Petulengro had thrust his money
+upon me, and if I lost his money, he could have no one but himself to
+blame; so I persuaded myself that I had upon the whole done right, and
+having come to that persuasion I soon began to enjoy the idea of finding
+myself on horseback again, and figured to myself all kinds of strange
+adventures which I should meet with on the roads before the horse and I
+should part company.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+TRYING THE HORSE--THE FEATS OF TAWNO--MAN WITH THE RED
+WAISTCOAT--DISPOSAL OF PROPERTY
+
+I saw nothing more of Mr. Petulengro that evening; on the morrow,
+however, he came and informed me that he had secured the horse for me,
+and that I was to go and pay for it at noon.  At the hour appointed,
+therefore, I went with Mr. Petulengro and Tawno to the public, where, as
+before, there was a crowd of company.  The landlord received us in the
+bar with marks of much satisfaction and esteem, made us sit down, and
+treated us with some excellent mild draught ale.  'Who do you think has
+been here this morning?' he said to me.  'Why that fellow in black, who
+came to carry me off to a house of Popish devotion, where I was to pass
+seven days and nights in meditation, as I think he called it, before I
+publicly renounced the religion of my country.  I read him a pretty
+lecture, calling him several unhandsome names, and asking him what he
+meant by attempting to seduce a churchwarden of the Church of England.  I
+tell you what, he ran some danger, for some of my customers, learning his
+errand, laid hold on him, and were about to toss him in a blanket, and
+then duck him in the horse-pond.  I, however, interfered, and said that
+what he came about was between me and him, and that it was no business of
+theirs.  To tell you the truth, I felt pity for the poor devil, more
+especially when I considered that they merely sided against him because
+they thought him the weakest, and that they would have wanted to serve me
+in the same manner had they considered me a down pin; so I rescued him
+from their hands, told him not to be afraid, for that nobody should touch
+him, and offered to treat him to some cold gin and water with a lump of
+sugar in it; and, on his refusing, told him that he had better make
+himself scarce, which he did, and I hope I shall never see him again.  So
+I suppose you are come for the horse; mercy upon us!--who would have
+thought you would have become the purchaser?  The horse, however, seemed
+to know it by its neighing.  How did you ever come by the money?
+However, that's no matter of mine.  I suppose you are strongly backed by
+certain friends you have.'
+
+I informed the landlord that he was right in supposing that I came for
+the horse, but that, before I paid for him, I should wish to prove his
+capabilities.  'With all my heart,' said the landlord.  'You shall mount
+him this moment.'  Then, going into the stable, he saddled and bridled
+the horse, and presently brought him out before the door.  I mounted him,
+Mr. Petulengro putting a heavy whip into my hand, and saying a few words
+to me in his own mysterious language.  'The horse wants no whip,' said
+the landlord.  'Hold your tongue, daddy,' said Mr. Petulengro.  'My pal
+knows quite well what to do with the whip; he's not going to beat the
+horse with it.'  About four hundred yards from the house there was a
+hill, to the foot of which the road ran almost on a perfect level;
+towards the foot of this hill I trotted the horse, who set off at a long,
+swift pace, seemingly at the rate of about sixteen miles an hour.  On
+reaching the foot of the hill, I wheeled the animal round, and trotted
+him towards the house--the horse sped faster than before.  Ere he had
+advanced a hundred yards, I took off my hat, in obedience to the advice
+which Mr. Petulengro had given me, in his own language, and holding it
+over the horse's head, commenced drumming on the crown with the knob of
+the whip; the horse gave a slight start, but instantly recovering
+himself, continued his trot till he arrived at the door of the
+public-house, amidst the acclamations of the company, who had all rushed
+out of the house to be spectators of what was going on.  'I see now what
+you wanted the whip for,' said the landlord, 'and sure enough that
+drumming on your hat was no bad way of learning whether the horse was
+quiet or not.  Well, did you ever see a more quiet horse, or a better
+trotter?'  'My cob shall trot against him,' said a fellow dressed in
+velveteen, mounted on a low powerful-looking animal--'my cob shall trot
+against him to the hill and back again--come on!'  We both started; the
+cob kept up gallantly against the horse for about half the way to the
+hill, when he began to lose ground; at the foot of the hill he was about
+fifteen yards behind.  Whereupon I turned slowly and waited for him.  We
+then set off towards the house, but now the cob had no chance, being at
+least twenty yards behind when I reached the door.  This running of
+horses, the wild uncouth forms around me, and the ale and beer which were
+being guzzled from pots and flagons, put me wonderfully in mind of the
+ancient horse-races of the heathen north.  I almost imagined myself
+Gunnar of Hlitharend at the race of--.
+
+'Are you satisfied?' said the landlord.  'Didn't you tell me that he
+could leap?' I demanded.  'I am told he can,' said the landlord; 'but I
+can't consent that he should be tried in that way, as he might be
+damaged.'  'That's right!' said Mr. Petulengro, 'don't trust my pal to
+leap that horse; he'll merely fling him down and break his neck and his
+own.  There's a better man than he close by; let him get on his back and
+leap him.'  'You mean yourself, I suppose,' said the landlord.  'Well, I
+call that talking modestly, and nothing becomes a young man more than
+modesty.'  'It ain't I, daddy,' said Mr. Petulengro.  'Here's the man,'
+said he, pointing to Tawno.  'Here's the horse-leaper of the world!'
+'You mean the horse-back-breaker,' said the landlord.  'That big fellow
+would break down my cousin's horse.'  'Why he weighs only sixteen stone,'
+said Mr. Petulengro; 'and his sixteen stone, with his way of handling a
+horse, does not press so much as any other one's thirteen.  Only let him
+get on the horse's back and you'll see what he can do!'  'No,' said the
+landlord, 'it won't do.'  Whereupon Mr. Petulengro became very much
+excited, and, pulling out a handful of money, said: 'I'll tell you what,
+I'll forfeit these guineas if my black pal there does the horse any kind
+of damage; duck me in the horse-pond if I don't.'  'Well,' said the
+landlord, 'for the sport of the thing I consent, so let your white pal
+get down, and your black pal mount as soon as he pleases.'  I felt rather
+mortified at Mr. Petulengro's interference, and showed no disposition to
+quit my seat; whereupon he came up to me and said, 'Now, brother, do get
+out of the saddle; you are no bad hand at trotting, I am willing to
+acknowledge that; but at leaping a horse there is no one like Tawno.  Let
+every dog be praised for his own gift.  You have been showing off in your
+line for the last half-hour, now do give Tawno a chance of exhibiting a
+little; poor fellow, he hasn't often a chance of exhibiting, as his wife
+keeps him so much in sight.'  Not wishing to appear desirous of
+engrossing the public attention, and feeling rather desirous to see how
+Tawno, of whose exploits in leaping horses I had frequently heard, would
+acquit himself in the affair, I at length dismounted, and Tawno at a
+bound leaped into the saddle, where he really looked like Gunnar of
+Hlitharend, save and except that the complexion of Gunnar was florid,
+whereas that of Tawno was of nearly Mulatto darkness, and that all
+Tawno's features were cast in the Grecian model, whereas Gunnar had a
+snub nose.  'There's a leaping-bar behind the house,' said the landlord.
+'Leaping-bar!' said Mr. Petulengro, scornfully.  'Do you think my black
+pal ever rides at a leaping-bar?  No more than at a windle-straw.  Leap
+over that meadow wall, Tawno.'  Just pass the house, in the direction in
+which I had been trotting, was a wall about four feet high, beyond which
+was a small meadow.  Tawno rode the horse gently up to the wall,
+permitted him to look over, then backed him for about ten yards, and
+pressing his calves against the horse's sides, he loosed the rein, and
+the horse launching forward, took the leap in gallant style.  'Well done,
+man and horse!' said Mr. Petulengro; 'now come back, Tawno.'  The leap
+from the side of the meadow was, however, somewhat higher; and the horse,
+when pushed at it, at first turned away; whereupon Tawno backed him to a
+greater distance, pushed the horse to a full gallop, giving a wild cry;
+whereupon the horse again took the wall, slightly grazing one of his legs
+against it.  'A near thing,' said the landlord, 'but a good leap.  Now,
+no more leaping, so long as I have control over the animal.'  The horse
+was then led back to the stable; and the landlord, myself, and companions
+going into the bar, I paid down the money for the horse.
+
+Scarcely was the bargain concluded, when two or three of the company
+began to envy me the possession of the horse, and forcing their way into
+the bar, with much noise and clamour, said that the horse had been sold
+too cheap.  One fellow in particular, with a red waistcoat, the son of a
+wealthy farmer, said that if he had but known that the horse had been so
+good a one, he would have bought it at the first price asked for it,
+which he was now willing to pay, that is, to-morrow,
+supposing--'Supposing your father will let you have the money,' said the
+landlord, 'which, after all, might not be the case; but, however that may
+be, it is too late now.  I think myself the horse has been sold for too
+little money, but if so all the better for the young man, who came
+forward when no other body did with his money in his hand.  There, take
+yourselves out of my bar,' said he to the fellows; 'and a pretty
+scoundrel you,' said he to the man of the red waistcoat, 'to say the
+horse has been sold too cheap, why, it was only yesterday you said he was
+good for nothing, and were passing all kinds of jokes at him.  Take
+yourself out of my bar, I say, you and all of you,' and he turned the
+fellows out.  I then asked the landlord whether he would permit the horse
+to remain in the stable for a short time, provided I paid for his
+entertainment, and on his willingly consenting, I treated my friends with
+ale, and then returned with them to the encampment.
+
+That evening I informed Mr. Petulengro and his party that on the morrow I
+intended to mount my horse, and leave that part of the country in quest
+of adventures; inquiring of Jasper where, in the event of my selling the
+horse advantageously, I might meet with him, and repay the money I had
+borrowed of him; whereupon Mr. Petulengro informed me that in about ten
+weeks I might find him at a certain place at the Chong gav.  I then
+stated that as I could not well carry with me the property which I
+possessed in the dingle, which after all was of no considerable value, I
+resolved to bestow the said property, namely, the pony, tent,
+tinker-tools, etc., on Ursula and her husband, partly because they were
+poor, and partly on account of the great kindness which I bore to Ursula,
+from whom I had, on various occasions, experienced all manner of
+civility, particularly in regard to crabbed words.  On hearing this
+intelligence, Ursula returned many thanks to her gentle brother as she
+called me, and Sylvester was so overjoyed that, casting aside his usual
+phlegm, he said I was the best friend he had ever had in the world, and
+in testimony of his gratitude swore that he would permit me to give his
+wife a choomer in the presence of the whole company, which offer,
+however, met with a very mortifying reception; the company frowning
+disapprobation, Ursula protesting against anything of the kind, and I
+myself showing no forwardness to avail myself of it, having inherited
+from nature a considerable fund of modesty, to which was added no slight
+store acquired in the course of my Irish education.  I passed that night
+alone in the dingle in a very melancholy manner, with little or no sleep,
+thinking of Isopel Berners; and in the morning when I quitted it I shed
+several tears, as I reflected that I should probably never again see the
+spot where I had passed so many hours in her company.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+FAREWELL TO THE ROMANS--THE LANDLORD AND HIS NIECE--SET OUT AS A
+TRAVELLER
+
+On reaching the plain above, I found my Romany friends breakfasting, and
+on being asked by Mr. Petulengro to join them, I accepted the invitation.
+No sooner was breakfast over than I informed Ursula and her husband that
+they would find the property, which I had promised them, below in the
+dingle, commending the little pony Ambrol to their best care.  I took
+leave of the whole company, which was itself about to break up camp and
+to depart in the direction of London, and made the best of my way to the
+public-house.  I had a small bundle in my hand, and was dressed in the
+same manner as when I departed from London, having left my waggoner's
+slop with the other effects in the dingle.  On arriving at the
+public-house, I informed the landlord that I was come for my horse,
+inquiring, at the same time, whether he could not accommodate me with a
+bridle and saddle.  He told me that the bridle and saddle, with which I
+had ridden the horse on the preceding day, were at my service for a
+trifle; that he had received them some time since in payment for a debt,
+and that he had himself no use for them.  The leathers of the bridle were
+rather shabby, and the bit rusty, and the saddle was old-fashioned; but I
+was happy to purchase them for seven shillings, more especially as the
+landlord added a small valise, which he said could be strapped to the
+saddle, and which I should find very convenient for carrying my things
+in.  I then proceeded to the stable, told the horse we were bound on an
+expedition, and giving him a feed of corn, left him to discuss it, and
+returned to the bar-room to have a little farewell chat with the landlord
+and at the same time to drink with him a farewell glass of ale.  Whilst
+we were talking and drinking, the niece came and joined us: she was a
+decent, sensible, young woman, who appeared to take a great interest in
+her uncle, whom she regarded with a singular mixture of pride and
+disapprobation--pride for the renown which he had acquired by his feats
+of old, and disapprobation for his late imprudences.  She said that she
+hoped that his misfortunes would be a warning to him to turn more to his
+God than he had hitherto done, and to give up cock-fighting and other
+low-life practices.  To which the landlord replied, that with respect to
+cock-fighting he intended to give it up entirely, being determined no
+longer to risk his capital upon birds, and with respect to his religious
+duties he should attend the church of which he was churchwarden at least
+once a quarter, adding, however, that he did not intend to become either
+canter or driveller, neither of which characters would befit a publican
+surrounded by such customers as he was, and that to the last day of his
+life he hoped to be able to make use of his fists.  After a stay of about
+two hours I settled accounts; and having bridled and saddled my horse,
+and strapped on the valise, I mounted, shook hands with the landlord and
+his niece, and departed, notwithstanding that they both entreated me to
+tarry until the evening, it being then the heat of the day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+AN ADVENTURE ON THE ROADS--THE SIX FLINT STONES--A RURAL SCENE--MEAD--THE
+OLD MAN AND HIS BEES
+
+I bent my course in the direction of the north, more induced by chance
+than any particular motive; all quarters of the world having about equal
+attractions for me.  I was in high spirits at finding myself once more on
+horseback, and trotted gaily on, until the heat of the weather induced me
+to slacken my pace, more out of pity for my horse than because I felt any
+particular inconvenience from it--heat and cold being then, and still,
+matters of great indifference to me.  What I thought of I scarcely know,
+save and except that I have a glimmering recollection that I felt some
+desire to meet with one of those adventures, which upon the roads of
+England are generally as plentiful as blackberries in autumn; and
+Fortune, who has generally been ready to gratify my inclinations,
+provided it cost her very little by so doing, was not slow in furnishing
+me with an adventure, perhaps as characteristic of the English roads as
+anything which could have happened.
+
+I might have travelled about six miles, amongst cross-roads and lanes,
+when suddenly I found myself upon a broad and very dusty road, which
+seemed to lead due north.  As I wended along this, I saw a man upon a
+donkey, riding towards me.  The man was commonly dressed, with a broad
+felt hat on his head, and a kind of satchel on his back; he seemed to be
+in a mighty hurry, and was every now and then belabouring the donkey with
+a cudgel.  The donkey, however, which was a fine large creature of the
+silver-grey species, did not appear to sympathize at all with its rider
+in his desire to get on, but kept its head turned back as much as
+possible, moving from one side of the road to the other, and not making
+much forward way.  As I passed, being naturally of a very polite
+disposition, I gave the man the sele of the day, asking him, at the same
+time, why he beat the donkey; whereupon the fellow, eyeing me askance,
+told me to mind my own business, with the addition of something which I
+need not repeat.  I had not proceeded a furlong before I saw seated on
+the dust by the wayside, close by a heap of stones, and with several
+flints before him, a respectable-looking old man, with a straw hat and a
+white smock, who was weeping bitterly.
+
+'What are you crying for, father?' said I.  'Have you come to any hurt?'
+'Hurt enough,' sobbed the old man, 'I have been just tricked out of the
+best ass in England by a villain, who gave me nothing but these trash in
+return,' pointing to the stones before him.  'I really scarcely
+understand you,' said I, 'I wish you would explain yourself more
+clearly.'  'I was riding on my ass from market,' said the old man, 'when
+I met here a fellow with a sack on his back, who, after staring at the
+ass and me a moment or two, asked me if I would sell her.  I told him
+that I could not think of selling her, as she was very useful to me, and
+though an animal, my true companion, whom I loved as much as if she were
+my wife and daughter.  I then attempted to pass on, but the fellow stood
+before me, begging me to sell her; saying that he would give me anything
+for her, well, seeing that he persisted, I said at last that if I sold
+her, I must have six pounds for her, and I said so to get rid of him, for
+I saw that he was a shabby fellow, who had probably not six shillings in
+the world; but I had better have held my tongue,' said the old man,
+crying more bitterly than before, 'for the words were scarcely out of my
+mouth, when he said he would give me what I asked, and taking the sack
+from his back, he pulled out a steelyard, and going to the heap of stones
+there, he took up several of them and weighed them, then flinging them
+down before me, he said, "There are six pounds, neighbour; now, get off
+the ass, and hand her over to me."  Well, I sat like one dumbfoundered
+for a time, till at last I asked him what he meant?  "What do I mean,"
+said he, "you old rascal, why I mean to claim my purchase," and then he
+swore so awfully, that scarcely knowing what I did I got down, and he
+jumped on the animal and rode off as fast as he could.'  'I suppose he
+was the fellow,' said I, 'whom I just now met upon a fine grey ass, which
+he was beating with a cudgel.'  'I dare say he was,' said the old man, 'I
+saw him beating her as he rode away, and I thought I should have died.'
+'I never heard such a story,' said I; 'well, do you mean to submit to
+such a piece of roguery quietly?'  'Oh, dear,' said the old man, 'what
+can I do?  I am seventy-nine years of age; I am bad on my feet, and
+daren't go after him.'  'Shall I go?' said I; 'the fellow is a thief, and
+any one has a right to stop him.'  'Oh, if you could but bring her again
+to me,' said the old man, 'I would bless you to my dying day; but have a
+care; I don't know but after all the law may say that she is his lawful
+purchase.  I asked six pounds for her, and he gave me six pounds.'  'Six
+flints you mean,' said I; 'no, no, the law is not quite so bad as that
+either; I know something about her, and am sure that she will never
+sanction such a quibble.  At all events, I'll ride after the fellow.'
+Thereupon turning the horse round, I put him to his very best trot; I
+rode nearly a mile without obtaining a glimpse of the fellow, and was
+becoming apprehensive that he had escaped me by turning down some
+by-path, two or three of which I had passed.  Suddenly, however, on the
+road making a slight turning, I perceived him right before me, moving at
+a tolerably swift pace, having by this time probably overcome the
+resistance of the animal.  Putting my horse to a full gallop, I shouted
+at the top of my voice, 'Get off that donkey, you rascal, and give her up
+to me, or I'll ride you down.'  The fellow hearing the thunder of the
+horse's hoofs behind him, drew up on one side of the road.  'What do you
+want?' said he, as I stopped my charger, now almost covered with sweat
+and foam, close beside him.  'Do you want to rob me?'  'To rob you?' said
+I.  'No! but to take from you that ass, of which you have just robbed its
+owner.'  'I have robbed no man,' said the fellow; 'I just now purchased
+it fairly of its master, and the law will give it to me; he asked six
+pounds for it, and I gave him six pounds.'  'Six stones, you mean, you
+rascal,' said I; 'get down, or my horse shall be upon you in a moment;'
+then with a motion of my reins, I caused the horse to rear, pressing his
+sides with my heels as if I intended to make him leap.  'Stop,' said the
+man, 'I'll get down, and then try if I can't serve you out.'  He then got
+down, and confronted me with his cudgel; he was a horrible-looking
+fellow, and seemed prepared for anything.  Scarcely, however, had he
+dismounted, when the donkey jerked the bridle out of his hand, and
+probably in revenge for the usage she had received, gave him a pair of
+tremendous kicks on the hip with her hinder legs, which overturned him,
+and then scampered down the road the way she had come.  'Pretty treatment
+this,' said the fellow, getting up without his cudgel, and holding his
+hand to his side, 'I wish I may not be lamed for life.'  'And if you be,'
+said I, 'it would merely serve you right, you rascal, for trying to cheat
+a poor old man out of his property by quibbling at words.'  'Rascal!'
+said the fellow, 'you lie, I am no rascal; and as for quibbling with
+words--suppose I did!  What then?  All the first people does it!  The
+newspapers does it!  The gentlefolks that calls themselves the guides of
+the popular mind does it!  I'm no ignoramus.  I reads the newspapers, and
+knows what's what.'  'You read them to some purpose,' said I.  'Well, if
+you are lamed for life, and unfitted for any active line--turn newspaper
+editor; I should say you are perfectly qualified, and this day's
+adventure may be the foundation of your fortune,' thereupon I turned
+round and rode off.  The fellow followed me with a torrent of abuse.
+'Confound you!' said he--yet that was not the expression either--'I know
+you; you are one of the horse-patrol, come down into the country on leave
+to see your relations.  Confound you, you and the like of you have
+knocked my business on the head near Lunnon, and I suppose we shall have
+you shortly in the country.'  'To the newspaper office,' said I, 'and
+fabricate falsehoods out of flint stones;' then touching the horse with
+my heels, I trotted off, and coming to the place where I had seen the old
+man, I found him there, risen from the ground, and embracing his ass.
+
+I told him that I was travelling down the road, and said, that if his way
+lay in the same direction as mine, he could do no better than accompany
+me for some distance, lest the fellow, who, for aught I knew, might be
+hovering nigh, might catch him alone, and again get his ass from him.
+After thanking me for my offer, which he said he would accept, he got
+upon his ass, and we proceeded together down the road.  My new
+acquaintance said very little of his own accord; and when I asked him a
+question, answered rather incoherently.  I heard him every now and then
+say, 'Villain!' to himself, after which he would pat the donkey's neck,
+from which circumstance I concluded that his mind was occupied with his
+late adventure.  After travelling about two miles, we reached a place
+where a drift-way on the right led from the great road; here my companion
+stopped, and on my asking him whether he was going any farther, he told
+me that the path to the right was the way to his home.
+
+I was bidding him farewell, when he hemmed once or twice, and said, that
+as he did not live far off, he hoped that I would go with him and taste
+some of his mead.  As I had never tasted mead, of which I had frequently
+read in the compositions of the Welsh bards, and, moreover, felt rather
+thirsty from the heat of the day, I told him that I should have great
+pleasure in attending him.  Whereupon, turning off together, we proceeded
+about half a mile, sometimes between stone walls, and at other times
+hedges, till we reached a small hamlet, through which we passed, and
+presently came to a very pretty cottage, delightfully situated within a
+garden, surrounded by a hedge of woodbines.  Opening a gate at one corner
+of the garden, he led the way to a large shed, which stood partly behind
+the cottage, which he said was his stable; thereupon he dismounted and
+led his donkey into the shed, which was without stalls, but had a long
+rack and manger.  On one side he tied his donkey, after taking off her
+caparisons, and I followed his example, tying my horse at the other side
+with a rope halter which he gave me; he then asked me to come in and
+taste his mead, but I told him that I must attend to the comfort of my
+horse first, and forthwith, taking a whisp of straw, rubbed him carefully
+down.  Then taking a pailful of clear water which stood in the shed, I
+allowed the horse to drink about half a pint; and then turning to the old
+man, who all the time had stood by looking at my proceedings, I asked him
+whether he had any oats?  'I have all kinds of grain,' he replied; and,
+going out, he presently returned with two measures, one a large and the
+other a small one, both filled with oats, mixed with a few beans, and
+handing the large one to me for the horse, he emptied the other before
+the donkey, who, before she began to despatch it, turned her nose to her
+master's face, and fairly kissed him.  Having given my horse his portion,
+I told the old man that I was ready to taste his mead as soon as he
+pleased, whereupon he ushered me into his cottage, where, making me sit
+down by a deal table in a neatly-sanded kitchen, he produced from an
+old-fashioned closet a bottle, holding about a quart, and a couple of
+cups, which might each contain about half a pint, then opening the bottle
+and filling the cups with a brown-coloured liquor, he handed one to me,
+and taking a seat opposite to me, he lifted the other, nodded, and saying
+to me--'Health and welcome,' placed it to his lips and drank.
+
+'Health and thanks,' I replied; and being very thirsty, emptied my cup at
+a draught; I had scarcely done so, however, when I half repented.  The
+mead was deliciously sweet and mellow, but appeared strong as brandy; my
+eyes reeled in my head, and my brain became slightly dizzy.  'Mead is a
+strong drink,' said the old man, as he looked at me, with a half smile on
+his, countenance.  'This is, at any rate,' said I, 'so strong indeed,
+that I would not drink another cup for any consideration.'  'And I would
+not ask you,' said the old man; 'for, if you did, you would most probably
+be stupid all day, and wake next morning with a headache.  Mead is a good
+drink, but woundily strong, especially to those who be not used to it, as
+I suppose you are not?'  'Where do you get it?' said I.  'I make it
+myself,' said the old man, 'from the honey which my bees make.'  'Have
+you many bees?' I inquired.  'A great many,' said the old man.  'And do
+you keep them,' said I, 'for the sake of making mead with their honey?'
+'I keep them,' he replied, 'partly because I am fond of them, and partly
+for what they bring me in; they make me a great deal of honey, some of
+which I sell, and with a little I make me some mead to warm my poor heart
+with, or occasionally to treat a friend with like yourself.'  'And do you
+support yourself entirely by means of your bees?'  'No,' said the old
+man; 'I have a little bit of ground behind my house, which is my
+principal means of support.'  'And do you live alone?'  'Yes,' said he;
+'with the exception of the bees and the donkey, I live quite alone.'
+'And have you always lived alone?'  The old man emptied his cup, and his
+heart being warmed with the mead, he told me his history, which was
+simplicity itself.  His father was a small yeoman, who, at his death had
+left him, his only child, the cottage, with a small piece of ground
+behind it, and on this little property he had lived ever since.  About
+the age of twenty-five he had married an industrious young woman, by whom
+he had one daughter, who died before reaching years of womanhood.  His
+wife, however, had survived her daughter many years, and had been a great
+comfort to him, assisting him in his rural occupations; but, about four
+years before the present period, he had lost her, since which time he had
+lived alone, making himself as comfortable as he could; cultivating his
+ground, with the help of a lad from the neighbouring village, attending
+to his bees, and occasionally riding his donkey to market, and hearing
+the word of God, which he said he was sorry he could not read, twice a
+week regularly at the parish church.  Such was the old man's tale.
+
+When he had finished speaking, he led me behind his house, and showed me
+his little domain.  It consisted of about two acres in admirable
+cultivation; a small portion of it formed a kitchen garden, whilst the
+rest was sown with four kinds of grain, wheat, barley, pease, and beans.
+The air was full of ambrosial sweets, resembling those proceeding from an
+orange grove; a place which, though I had never seen at that time, I
+since have.  In the garden was the habitation of the bees, a long box,
+supported upon three oaken stumps.  It was full of small round glass
+windows, and appeared to be divided into a great many compartments, much
+resembling drawers placed sideways.  He told me that, as one compartment
+was filled, the bees left it for another, so that whenever he wanted
+honey, he could procure some without injuring the insects.  Through the
+little round windows I could see several of the bees at work; hundreds
+were going in and out of the doors; hundreds were buzzing about on the
+flowers, the woodbines, and beans.  As I looked around on the
+well-cultivated field, the garden, and the bees, I thought I had never
+before seen so rural and peaceful a scene.
+
+When we returned to the cottage we again sat down, and I asked the old
+man whether he was not afraid to live alone.  He told me that he was not,
+for that, upon the whole, his neighbours were very kind to him.  I
+mentioned the fellow who had swindled him of his donkey upon the road.
+'That was no neighbour of mine,' said the old man, 'and, perhaps, I shall
+never see him again or his like.'  'It's a dreadful thing,' said I, 'to
+have no other resource, when injured, than to shed tears on the road.'
+'It is so,' said the old man, 'but God saw the tears of the old, and sent
+a helper.'  'Why did you not help yourself?' said I.  'Instead of getting
+off your ass, why did you not punch at the fellow, or at any rate use
+dreadful language, call him villain, and shout robbery?'  'Punch!' said
+the old man, 'shout! what, with these hands, and this voice--Lord, how,
+you run on!  I am old, young chap, I am old!'  'Well,' said I, 'it is a
+shameful thing to cry even when old.'  'You think so now,' said the old
+man, 'because you are young and strong; perhaps, when you are as old as
+I, you will not be ashamed to cry.'
+
+Upon the whole I was rather pleased with the old man, and much with all
+about him.  As evening drew nigh, I told him that I must proceed on my
+journey; whereupon he invited me to tarry with him during the night,
+telling me that he had a nice room and bed above at my service.  I,
+however, declined; and bidding him farewell, mounted my horse, and
+departed.  Regaining the road, I proceeded once more in the direction of
+the north; and, after a few hours, coming to a comfortable public-house,
+I stopped and put up for the night.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+THE SINGULAR NOISE--SLEEPING IN A MEADOW--THE BOOK--CURE FOR
+WAKEFULNESS--LITERARY TEA-PARTY--POOR BYRON
+
+I did not awake till rather late the next morning; and when I did, I felt
+considerable drowsiness, with a slight headache, which I was uncharitable
+enough to attribute to the mead which I had drank on the preceding day.
+After feeding my horse, and breakfasting, I proceeded on my wanderings.
+Nothing occurred worthy of relating till mid-day was considerably past,
+when I came to a pleasant valley, between two gentle hills.  I had
+dismounted, in order to ease my horse, and was leading him along by the
+bridle, when, on my right, behind a bank in which some umbrageous ashes
+were growing, I heard a singular noise.  I stopped short and listened,
+and presently said to myself, 'Surely this is snoring, perhaps that of a
+hedgehog.'  On further consideration, however, I was convinced that the
+noise which I heard, and which certainly seemed to be snoring, could not
+possibly proceed from the nostrils of so small an animal, but must rather
+come from those of a giant, so loud and sonorous was it.  About two or
+three yards further was a gate, partly open, to which I went, and peeping
+into the field, saw a man lying on some rich grass, under the shade of
+one of the ashes; he was snoring away at a great rate.  Impelled by
+curiosity, I fastened the bridle of my horse to the gate, and went up to
+the man.  He was a genteely-dressed individual, rather corpulent, with
+dark features, and seemingly about forty-five.  He lay on his back, his
+hat slightly over his brow, and at his right hand lay an open book.  So
+strenuously did he snore that the wind from his nostrils agitated,
+perceptibly, a fine cambric frill which he wore at his bosom.  I gazed
+upon him for some time, expecting that he might awake; but he did not,
+but kept on snoring, his breast heaving convulsively.  At last, the noise
+he made became so terrible, that I felt alarmed for his safety, imagining
+that a fit might seize him, and he lose his life whilst asleep.  I
+therefore exclaimed, 'Sir, sir, awake! you sleep overmuch.'  But my voice
+failed to rouse him, and he continued snoring as before; whereupon I
+touched him slightly with my riding wand, but failing to wake him, I
+touched him again more vigorously; whereupon he opened his eyes, and,
+probably imagining himself in a dream, closed them again.  But I was
+determined to arouse him, and cried as loud as I could, 'Sir, sir, pray
+sleep no more!'  He heard what I said, opened his eyes again, stared at
+me with a look of some consciousness, and, half raising himself upon his
+elbows, asked me what was the matter.  'I beg your pardon,' said I, 'but
+I took the liberty of awaking you because you appeared to be much
+disturbed in your sleep--I was fearful, too, that you might catch a fever
+from sleeping under a tree.'  'I run no risk,' said the man, 'I often
+come and sleep here; and as for being disturbed in my sleep, I felt very
+comfortable; I wish you had not awoken me.'  'Well,' said I, 'I beg your
+pardon once more.  I assure you that what I did was with the best
+intention.'  'Oh! pray make no farther apology,' said the individual, 'I
+make no doubt that what you did was done kindly; but there's an old
+proverb, to the effect, "that you should let sleeping dogs lie,"' he
+added, with a smile.  Then, getting up, and stretching himself with a
+yawn, he took up his book and said, 'I have slept quite long enough, and
+it's quite time for me to be going home.'  'Excuse my curiosity,' said I,
+'if I inquire what may induce you to come and sleep in this meadow?'  'To
+tell you the truth,' answered he, 'I am a bad sleeper.'  'Pray pardon
+me,' said I, 'if I tell you that I never saw one sleep more heartily.'
+'If I did so,' said the individual, 'I am beholden to this meadow and
+this book; but I am talking riddles, and will explain myself.  I am the
+owner of a very pretty property, of which this valley forms part.  Some
+years ago, however, up started a person who said the property was his; a
+lawsuit ensued, and I was on the brink of losing my all, when, most
+unexpectedly, the suit was determined in my favour.  Owing, however, to
+the anxiety to which my mind had been subjected for years, my nerves had
+become terribly shaken; and no sooner was the trial terminated than sleep
+forsook my pillow.  I sometimes passed nights without closing an eye; I
+took opiates, but they rather increased than alleviated my malady.  About
+three weeks ago a friend of mine put this book into my hand, and advised
+me to take it every day to some pleasant part of my estate, and try and
+read a page or two, assuring me, if I did that I should infallibly fall
+asleep.  I took his advice, and selecting this place, which I considered
+the pleasantest part of my property, I came, and lying down, commenced
+reading the book, and before finishing a page was in a dead slumber.
+Every day since then I have repeated the experiment, and every time with
+equal success.  I am a single man, without any children; and yesterday I
+made my will, in which, in the event of my friend's surviving me, I have
+left him all my fortune, in gratitude for his having procured for me the
+most invaluable of all blessings--sleep.'
+
+'Dear me,' said I, 'how very extraordinary!  Do you think that your going
+to sleep is caused by the meadow or the book?'  'I suppose by both,' said
+my new acquaintance, 'acting in co-operation.'  'It may be so,' said I;
+'the magic influence does certainly not proceed from the meadow alone;
+for since I have been here, I have not felt the slightest inclination to
+sleep.  Does the book consist of prose or poetry?'  'It consists of
+poetry,' said the individual.  'Not Byron's?' said I.  'Byron's!'
+repeated the individual, with a smile of contempt; 'no, no; there is
+nothing narcotic in Byron's poetry.  I don't like it.  I used to read it,
+but it thrilled, agitated, and kept me awake.  No, this is not Byron's
+poetry, but the inimitable ---'s {138a}--mentioning a name which I had
+never heard till then.  'Will you permit me to look at it?' said I.
+'With pleasure,' he answered, politely handing me the book. {138b}  I
+took the volume, and glanced over the contents.  It was written in blank
+verse, and appeared to abound in descriptions of scenery; there was much
+mention of mountains, valleys, streams, and waterfalls, harebells and
+daffodils.  These descriptions were interspersed with dialogues, which,
+though they proceeded from the mouths of pedlars and rustics, were of the
+most edifying description; mostly on subjects moral or metaphysical, and
+couched in the most gentlemanly and unexceptionable language, without the
+slightest mixture of vulgarity, coarseness, or pie-bald grammar.  Such
+appeared to me to be the contents of the book; but before I could form a
+very clear idea of them, I found myself nodding, and a surprising desire
+to sleep coming over me.  Rousing myself, however, by a strong effort, I
+closed the book, and, returning it to the owner, inquired of him,
+'Whether he had any motive in coming and lying down in the meadow,
+besides the wish of enjoying sleep?'  'None whatever,' he replied;
+'indeed, I should be very glad not to be compelled to do so, always
+provided I could enjoy the blessing of sleep; for by lying down under
+trees, I may possibly catch the rheumatism, or be stung by serpents; and,
+moreover, in the rainy season and winter the thing will be impossible,
+unless I erect a tent, which will possibly destroy the charm.'  'Well,'
+said I, 'you need give yourself no farther trouble about coming here, as
+I am fully convinced that with this book in your hand, you may go to
+sleep anywhere, as your friend was doubtless aware, though he wished to
+interest your imagination for a time by persuading you to lie abroad;
+therefore, in future, whenever you feel disposed to sleep, try to read
+the book, and you will be sound asleep in a minute; the narcotic
+influence lies in the book, and not in the field.'  'I will follow your
+advice,' said the individual, 'and this very night take it with me to
+bed; though I hope in time to be able to sleep without it, my nerves
+being already much quieted from the slumbers I have enjoyed in this
+field.'  He then moved towards the gate, where we parted; he going one
+way, and I and my horse the other.
+
+More than twenty years subsequent to this period, after much wandering
+about the world, returning to my native country, I was invited to a
+literary tea-party, where, the discourse turning upon poetry, I, in order
+to show that I was not more ignorant than my neighbours, began to talk
+about Byron, for whose writings I really entertained a considerable
+admiration, though I had no particular esteem for the man himself.  At
+first I received no answer to what I said--the company merely surveying
+me with a kind of sleepy stare.  At length a lady, about the age of
+forty, with a large wart on her face, observed, in a drawling tone, 'That
+she had not read Byron--at least since her girlhood--and then only a few
+passages; but that the impression on her mind was, that his writings were
+of a highly objectionable character.'  'I also read a little of him in my
+boyhood,' said a gentleman, about sixty, but who evidently, from his
+dress and demeanour, wished to appear about thirty, 'but I highly
+disapproved of him; for, notwithstanding he was a nobleman, he is
+frequently very coarse, and very fond of raising emotion.  Now emotion is
+what I dislike;' drawling out the last syllable of the word dislike.
+'There is only one poet for me--the divine ---'; and then he mentioned a
+name which I had only once heard, and afterwards quite forgotten; the
+name mentioned by the snorer in the field.  'Ah! there is no one like
+him!' murmured some more of the company; 'the poet of nature--of nature
+without its vulgarity.'  I wished very much to ask these people whether
+they were ever bad sleepers, and whether they had read the poet, so
+called, from a desire of being set to sleep.  Within a few days, however,
+I learnt that it had of late become very fashionable and genteel to
+appear half asleep, and that one could exhibit no better mark of
+superfine breeding than by occasionally in company setting one's ronchal
+organ in action.  I then ceased to wonder at the popularity, which I
+found nearly universal, of ---'s poetry; for, certainly in order to make
+one's self appear sleepy in company, or occasionally to induce sleep,
+nothing could be more efficacious than a slight pre-lection of his poems.
+So, poor Byron, with his fire and emotion--to say nothing of his
+mouthings and coxcombry--was dethroned, as I had prophesied he would be
+more than twenty years before, on the day of his funeral, though I had
+little idea that his humiliation would have been brought about by one,
+whose sole strength consists in setting people to sleep.  Well, all
+things are doomed to terminate in sleep.  Before that termination,
+however, I will venture to prophesy that people will become a little more
+awake--snoring and yawning be a little less in fashion--and poor Byron be
+once more reinstated on his throne, though his rival will always stand a
+good chance of being worshipped by those whose ruined nerves are
+insensible to the narcotic powers of opium and morphine.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+DRIVERS AND FRONT OUTSIDE PASSENGERS--FATIGUE OF BODY AND
+MIND--UNEXPECTED GREETING--MY INN--THE GOVERNOR--ENGAGEMENT
+
+I continued my journey, passing through one or two villages.  The day was
+exceedingly hot, and the roads dusty.  In order to cause my horse as
+little fatigue as possible, and not to chafe his back, I led him by the
+bridle, my doing which brought upon me a shower of remarks, jests, and
+would-be witticisms from the drivers and front outside passengers of
+sundry stage-coaches, which passed me in one direction or the other.  In
+this way I proceeded till considerably past noon, when I felt myself very
+fatigued, and my horse appeared no less so; and it is probable that the
+lazy and listless manner in which we were moving on tired us both much
+more effectually than hurrying along at a swift trot would have done, for
+I have observed that when the energies of the body are not exerted a
+languor frequently comes over it.  At length, arriving at a very large
+building with an archway, near the entrance of a town, {141} I sat down
+on what appeared to be a stepping-block, and presently experienced a
+great depression of spirits.  I began to ask myself whither I was going,
+and what I should do with myself and the horse which I held by the
+bridle?  It appeared to me that I was alone in the world with the poor
+animal, who looked for support to me, who knew not how to support myself.
+Then the image of Isopel Berners came into my mind, and when I bethought
+me how I had lost her for ever, and how happy I might have been with her
+in the New World had she not deserted me, I became yet more miserable.
+
+As I sat in this state of mind, I suddenly felt some one clap me on the
+shoulder, and heard a voice say: 'Ha! comrade of the dingle, what chance
+has brought you into these parts?'  I turned round, and beheld a man in
+the dress of a postillion, whom I instantly recognised as he to whom I
+had rendered assistance on the night of the storm.
+
+'Ah!' said I, 'is it you?  I am glad to see you, for I was feeling very
+lonely and melancholy.'
+
+'Lonely and melancholy,' he replied, 'how is that? how can anyone be
+lonely and melancholy with such a noble horse as that you hold by the
+bridle?'
+
+'The horse,' said I, 'is one cause of my melancholy, for I know not in
+the world what to do with it.'
+
+'Is it your own?'
+
+'Yes,' said I, 'I may call it my own, though I borrowed the money to
+purchase it.'
+
+'Well, why don't you sell it?'
+
+'It is not always easy to find a purchaser for a horse like this,' said
+I; 'can you recommend me one?'
+
+'I?  Why, no, not exactly: but you'll find a purchaser shortly--pooh!  If
+you have no other cause for disquiet than that horse, cheer up, man;
+don't be cast down.  Have you nothing else on your mind?  By-the-by,
+what's become of the young woman you were keeping company with in that
+queer lodging-place of yours?'
+
+'She has left me,' said I.
+
+'You quarrelled, I suppose?'
+
+'No,' said I, 'we did not exactly quarrel, but we are parted.'
+
+'Well,' replied he, 'but you will soon come together again.'
+
+'No,' said I; 'we are parted for ever.'
+
+'For ever!  Pooh! you little know how people sometimes come together
+again who think they are parted for ever.  Here's something on that point
+relating to myself.  You remember when I told you my story in that dingle
+of yours, that I mentioned a young woman, my fellow-servant when I lived
+with the English family in Mumbo Jumbo's town, and how she and I, when
+our foolish governors were thinking of changing their religion, agreed to
+stand by each other, and be true to old Church of England, and to give
+our governors warning, provided they tried to make us renegades.  Well,
+she and I parted soon after that, and never thought to meet again, yet we
+met the other day in the fields, for she lately came to live with a great
+family not far from here, and we have since agreed to marry, to take a
+little farm, for we have both a trifle of money, and live together till
+"death us do part."  So much for parting for ever!  But what do I mean by
+keeping you broiling in the sun with your horse's bridle in your hand,
+and you on my own ground?  Do you know where you are?  Why, that great
+house is my inn, that is, it's my master's, the best fellow in ---.  Come
+along, you and your horse both will find a welcome at my inn.'
+
+Thereupon he led the way into a large court, in which there were coaches,
+chaises, and a great many people; taking my horse from me, he led it into
+a nice cool stall, and fastening it to the rack, he then conducted me
+into a postillion's keeping-room, which at that time chanced to be empty,
+and he then fetched a pot of beer and sat down by me.
+
+After a little conversation he asked me what I intended to do, and I told
+him frankly that I did not know, whereupon he observed that, provided I
+had no objection, he had little doubt that I could be accommodated for
+some time at his inn.  'Our upper ostler,' said he, 'died about a week
+ago; he was a clever fellow, and besides his trade understood reading and
+accounts.'
+
+'Dear me,' said I, interrupting him, 'I am not fitted for the place of
+ostler--moreover, I refused the place of ostler at a public-house, which
+was offered to me only a few days ago.'  The postillion burst into a
+laugh.  'Ostler at a public-house, indeed!  Why, you would not compare a
+berth at a place like that with the situation of ostler at my inn, the
+first road-house in England!  However, I was not thinking of the place of
+ostler for you; you are, as you say, not fitted for it, at any rate, not
+at a house like this.  We have, moreover, the best under-ostler in all
+England--old Bill, with the drawback that he is rather fond of drink.  We
+could make shift with him very well provided we could fall in with a man
+of writing and figures, who could give an account of the hay and corn
+which comes in and goes out, and wouldn't object to give a look
+occasionally at the yard.  Now it appears to me that you are just such a
+kind of man, and if you will allow me to speak to the governor, I don't
+doubt that he will gladly take you, as he feels kindly disposed towards
+you from what he has heard me say concerning you.'
+
+'And what should I do with my horse?' said I.
+
+'The horse need give you no uneasiness,' said the postillion: 'I know he
+will be welcome here both for bed and manger, and perhaps in a little
+time you may find a purchaser, as a vast number of sporting people
+frequent this house.'  I offered two or three more objections, which the
+postillion overcame with great force of argument, and the pot being
+nearly empty, he drained it to the bottom drop, and then starting up,
+left me alone.
+
+In about twenty minutes he returned, accompanied by a highly intelligent
+looking individual dressed in blue and black, with a particularly white
+cravat, and without a hat on his head; this individual, whom I should
+have mistaken for a gentleman but for the intelligence depicted in his
+face, he introduced to me as the master of the inn.  The master of the
+inn shook me warmly by the hand, told me that he was happy to see me in
+his house, and thanked me in the handsomest terms for the kindness I had
+shown to his servant in the affair of the thunder-storm.  Then saying
+that he was informed I was out of employ, he assured me that he should be
+most happy to engage me to keep his hay and corn account, and as general
+superintendent of the yard, and that with respect to the horse, which he
+was told I had, he begged to inform me that I was perfectly at liberty to
+keep it at the inn upon the very best, until I could find a purchaser;
+that with regard to wages--but he had no sooner mentioned wages than I
+cut him short, saying that provided I stayed I should be most happy to
+serve him for bed and board, and requested that he would allow me until
+the next morning to consider of his offer; he willingly consented to my
+request, and, begging that I would call for anything I pleased, left me
+alone with the postillion.
+
+I passed that night until about ten o'clock with the postillion, when he
+left me, having to drive a family about ten miles across the country;
+before his departure, however, I told him that I had determined to accept
+the offer of his governor, as he called him.  At the bottom of my heart I
+was most happy that an offer had been made, which secured to myself and
+the animal a comfortable retreat at a moment when I knew not whither in
+the world to take myself and him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+AN INN OF TIMES GONE BY--A FIRST-RATE PUBLICAN--HAY AND
+CORN--OLD-FASHIONED OSTLER--HIGHWAYMEN--MOUNTED POLICE--GROOMING
+
+The inn of which I had become an inhabitant was a place of infinite life
+and bustle.  Travellers of all descriptions, from all the cardinal
+points, were continually stopping at it: and to attend to their wants,
+and minister to their convenience, an army of servants, of one
+description or other, was kept--waiters, chambermaids, grooms,
+postillions, shoe-blacks, cooks, scullions, and what not, for there was a
+barber and hair-dresser, who had been at Paris, and talked French with a
+cockney accent, the French sounding all the better, as no accent is so
+melodious as the cockney.  Jacks creaked in the kitchens turning round
+spits, on which large joints of meat piped and smoked before the great
+big fires.  There was running up and down stairs, and along galleries,
+slamming of doors, cries of 'Coming, sir,' and 'Please to step this way,
+ma'am,' during eighteen hours of the four-and-twenty.  Truly a very great
+place for life and bustle was this inn.  And often in after life, when
+lonely and melancholy, I have called up the time I spent there, and never
+failed to become cheerful from the recollection.
+
+I found the master of the house a very kind and civil person.  Before
+being an innkeeper he had been in some other line of business, but, on
+the death of the former proprietor of the inn had married his widow, who
+was still alive, but being somewhat infirm, lived in a retired part of
+the house.  I have said that he was kind and civil; he was, however, not
+one of those people who suffer themselves to be made fools of by anybody;
+he knew his customers, and had a calm clear eye, which would look through
+a man without seeming to do so.  The accommodation of his house was of
+the very best description; his wines were good, his viands equally so,
+and his charges not immoderate; though he very properly took care of
+himself.  He was no vulgar innkeeper, had a host of friends, and deserved
+them all.  During the time I lived with him, he was presented, by a large
+assemblage of his friends and customers, with a dinner at his own house,
+which was very costly, and at which the best of wines were sported, and
+after the dinner with a piece of plate, estimated at fifty guineas.  He
+received the plate, made a neat speech of thanks, and when the bill was
+called for, made another neat speech, in which he refused to receive one
+farthing for the entertainment, ordering in at the same time two dozen
+more of the best champagne, and sitting down amidst uproarious applause,
+and cries of 'You shall be no loser by it!'  Nothing very wonderful in
+such conduct, some people will say; I don't say there is, nor have I any
+intention to endeavour to persuade the reader that the landlord was a
+Carlo Borromeo; he merely gave a quid pro quo; but it is not every person
+who will give you a quid pro quo.  Had he been a vulgar publican, he
+would have sent in a swinging bill after receiving the plate; 'but then
+no vulgar publican would have been presented with plate;' perhaps not,
+but many a vulgar public character has been presented with plate, whose
+admirers never received a quid pro quo, except in the shape of a swinging
+bill.
+
+I found my duties of distributing hay and corn, and keeping an account
+thereof, anything but disagreeable, particularly after I had acquired the
+good-will of the old ostler, who at first looked upon me with rather an
+evil eye, considering me somewhat in the light of one who had usurped an
+office which belonged to himself by the right of succession; but there
+was little gall in the old fellow, and, by speaking kindly to him, never
+giving myself any airs of assumption; but above all, by frequently
+reading the newspapers to him--for, though passionately fond of news and
+politics, he was unable to read--I soon succeeded in placing myself on
+excellent terms with him.  A regular character was that old ostler; he
+was a Yorkshireman by birth, but had seen a great deal of life in the
+vicinity of London, to which, on the death of his parents, who were very
+poor people, he went at a very early age.  Amongst other places where he
+had served as ostler was a small inn at Hounslow, much frequented by
+highwaymen, whose exploits he was fond of narrating, especially those of
+Jerry Abershaw, {146} who, he said, was a capital rider; and on hearing
+his accounts of that worthy I half regretted that the old fellow had not
+been in London, and I had not formed his acquaintance about the time I
+was thinking of writing the life of the said Abershaw, not doubting that
+with his assistance I could have produced a book at least as remarkable
+as the life and adventures of that entirely imaginary personage, Joseph
+Sell; perhaps, however, I was mistaken; and whenever Abershaw's life
+shall appear before the public--and my publisher credibly informs me that
+it has not yet appeared--I beg and entreat the public to state which it
+likes best, the life of Abershaw, or that of Sell, for which latter work
+I am informed that during the last few months there has been a prodigious
+demand. {147a}  My old friend, however, after talking of Abershaw, would
+frequently add, that, good rider as Abershaw certainly was, he was
+decidedly inferior to Richard Ferguson, {147b} generally called Galloping
+Dick, who was a pal of Abershaw's, and had enjoyed a career as long, and
+nearly as remarkable, as his own.  I learned from him that both were
+capital customers at the Hounslow inn, and that he had frequently drank
+with them in the corn-room.  He said that no man could desire more jolly
+or entertaining companions over a glass of 'summat'; but that upon the
+road it was anything but desirable to meet them; there they were
+terrible, cursing and swearing, and thrusting the muzzles of their
+pistols into people's mouths; and at this part of his locution the old
+man winked, and said, in a somewhat lower voice, that upon the whole they
+were right in doing so, and that when a person had once made up his mind
+to become a highwayman, his best policy was to go the whole hog, fearing
+nothing, but making everybody afraid of him; that people never thought of
+resisting a savage-faced, foul-mouthed highwayman, and if he were taken,
+were afraid to bear witness against him, lest he should get off and cut
+their throats some time or other upon the roads; whereas people would
+resist being robbed by a sneaking, pale-visaged rascal, and would swear
+bodily against him on the first opportunity; adding, that Abershaw and
+Ferguson, two most awful fellows, had enjoyed a long career, whereas two
+disbanded officers of the army, who wished to rob a coach like gentlemen,
+had begged the passengers' pardon, and talked of hard necessity, had been
+set upon by the passengers themselves, amongst whom were three women,
+pulled from their horses, conducted to Maidstone, and hanged with as
+little pity as such contemptible fellows deserved.  'There is nothing
+like going the whole hog,' he repeated, 'and if ever I had been a
+highwayman, I would have done so; I should have thought myself all the
+more safe; and, moreover, shouldn't have despised myself.  To curry
+favour with those you are robbing, sometimes at the expense of your own
+comrades, as I have known fellows do, why it is the greatest--'
+
+'So it is,' interposed my friend the postillion, who chanced to be
+present at a considerable part of the old ostler's discourse; 'it is, as
+you say, the greatest of humbug, and merely, after all, gets a fellow
+into trouble; but no regular bred highwayman would do it.  I say, George,
+catch the Pope of Rome trying to curry favour with anybody he robs; catch
+old Mumbo Jumbo currying favour with the Archbishop of Canterbury and the
+Dean and Chapter, should he meet them in a stage-coach; it would be with
+him, Bricconi Abbasso, as he knocked their teeth out with the butt of his
+trombone, and the old regular-built ruffian would be all the safer for
+it, as Bill would say, as ten to one the Archbishop and Chapter, after
+such a spice of his quality, would be afraid to swear against him, and to
+hang him, even if he were in their power, though that would be the proper
+way; for, if it is the greatest of all humbug for a highwayman to curry
+favour with those he robs, the next greatest is to try to curry favour
+with a highwayman when you have got him, by letting him off.'
+
+Finding the old man so well acquainted with the history of highwaymen,
+and taking considerable interest in the subject, having myself edited a
+book {148} containing the lives of many remarkable people who had figured
+on the highway, I forthwith asked him how it was that the trade of
+highwayman had become extinct in England, as at present we never heard of
+anyone following it.  Whereupon he told me that many causes had
+contributed to bring about that result; the principal of which were the
+following: the refusal to license houses which were known to afford
+shelter to highwaymen, which, amongst many others, had caused the inn at
+Hounslow to be closed; the inclosure of many a wild heath in the country,
+on which they were in the habit of lurking, and particularly the
+establishing in the neighbourhood of London of a well-armed mounted
+patrol, who rode the highwaymen down, and delivered them up to justice,
+which hanged them without ceremony.
+
+'And that would be the way to deal with Mumbo Jumbo and his gang,' said
+the postillion, 'should they show their visages in these realms; and I
+hear by the newspapers that they are becoming every day more desperate.
+Take away the license from their public-houses, cut down the rookeries
+and shadowy old avenues in which they are fond of lying in wait, in order
+to sally out upon people as they pass in the roads; but, above all,
+establish a good mounted police to ride after the ruffians and drag them
+by the scruff of the neck to the next clink, {149} where they might lie
+till they could be properly dealt with by law; instead of which, the
+Government are repealing the wise old laws enacted against such
+characters, giving fresh licenses every day to their public-houses, and
+saying that it would be a pity to cut down their rookeries and thickets,
+because they look so very picturesque; and, in fact, giving them all kind
+of encouragement; why, if such behaviour is not enough to drive an honest
+man mad, I know not what is.  It is of no use talking, I only wish the
+power were in my hands, and if I did not make short work of them, might I
+be a mere jackass postillion all the remainder of my life.'
+
+Besides acquiring from the ancient ostler a great deal of curious
+information respecting the ways and habits of the heroes of the road,
+with whom he had come in contact in the early portion of his life, I
+picked up from him many excellent hints relating to the art of grooming
+horses.  Whilst at the inn, I frequently groomed the stage and
+post-horses, and those driven up by travellers in their gigs: I was not
+compelled, nor indeed expected, to do so; but I took pleasure in the
+occupation; and I remember at that period one of the principal objects of
+my ambition was to be a first-rate groom, and to make the skins of the
+creatures I took in hand look sleek and glossy like those of moles.  I
+have said that I derived valuable hints from the old man, and, indeed,
+became a very tolerable groom, but there was a certain finishing touch
+which I could never learn from him, though he possessed it himself, and
+which I could never attain to by my own endeavours; though my want of
+success certainly did not proceed from want of application, for I have
+rubbed the horses down, purring and buzzing all the time, after the
+genuine ostler fashion, until the perspiration fell in heavy drops upon
+my shoes, and when I had done my best, and asked the old fellow what he
+thought of my work, I could never extract from him more than a kind of
+grunt, which might be translated: 'Not so very bad, but I have seen a
+horse groomed much better,' which leads me to suppose that a person, in
+order to be a first-rate groom, must have something in him when he is
+born which I had not, and, indeed, which many other people have not who
+pretend to be grooms.  What does the reader think?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+STABLE HARTSHORN--HOW TO MANAGE A HORSE ON A JOURNEY--YOUR BEST FRIEND
+
+Of one thing I am certain, that the reader must be much delighted with
+the wholesome smell of the stable, with which many of these pages are
+redolent; what a contrast to the sickly odours exhaled from those of some
+of my contemporaries, especially of those who pretend to be of the highly
+fashionable class, and who treat of reception-rooms, well may they be
+styled so, in which dukes, duchesses, earls, countesses, archbishops,
+bishops, mayors, mayoresses--not forgetting the writers themselves, both
+male and female--congregate and press upon one another; how cheering, how
+refreshing, after having been nearly knocked down with such an
+atmosphere, to come in contact with genuine stable hartshorn.  Oh! the
+reader shall have yet more of the stable, and of that old ostler, for
+which he or she will doubtless exclaim, 'Much obliged!'--and lest I
+should forget to perform my promise, the reader shall have it now.
+
+I shall never forget an harangue from the mouth of the old man, which I
+listened to one warm evening as he and I sat on the threshold of the
+stable, after having attended to some of the wants of a batch of
+coach-horses.  It related to the manner in which a gentleman should take
+care of his horse and self, whilst engaged in a journey on horseback, and
+was addressed to myself, on the supposition of my one day coming to an
+estate, and of course becoming a gentleman.
+
+'When you are a gentleman,' said he, 'should you ever wish to take a
+journey on a horse of your own, and you could not have a much better than
+the one you have here eating its fill in the box yonder--I wonder
+by-the-by, how you ever came by it--you can't do better than follow the
+advice I am about to give you, both with respect to your animal and
+yourself.  Before you start, merely give your horse a couple of handfuls
+of corn, and a little water, somewhat under a quart, and if you drink a
+pint of water yourself out of the pail, you will feel all the better
+during the whole day; then you may walk and trot your animal for about
+ten miles, till you come to some nice inn, where you may get down and see
+your horse led into a nice stall, telling the ostler not to feed him till
+you come.  If the ostler happens to be a dog-fancier, and has an English
+terrier dog like that of mine there, say what a nice dog it is, and
+praise its black and tawn; and if he does not happen to be a dog-fancier,
+ask him how he's getting on, and whether he ever knew worse times; that
+kind of thing will please the ostler, and he will let you do just what
+you please with your own horse, and when your back is turned, he'll say
+to his comrades what a nice gentleman you are, and how he thinks he has
+seen you before; then go and sit down to breakfast, and before you have
+finished breakfast, get up and go and give your horse a feed of corn,
+chat with the ostler two or three minutes till your horse has taken the
+shine out of his corn, which will prevent the ostler taking any of it
+away when your back is turned, for such things are sometimes done--not
+that I ever did such a thing myself when I was at the inn at Hounslow.
+Oh, dear me, no!  Then go and finish your breakfast, and when you have
+finished your breakfast and called for the newspaper, go and water your
+horse, letting him have about one pailful, then give him another feed of
+corn, and enter into discourse with the ostler about bull-baiting, the
+prime minister, and the like; and when your horse has once more taken the
+shine out of his corn, go back to your room and your newspaper--and I
+hope for your sake it may be the "Globe," for that's the best paper
+going--then pull the bell-rope and order in your bill, which you will pay
+without counting it up--supposing you to be a gentleman.  Give the waiter
+sixpence, and order out your horse, and when your horse is out, pay for
+the corn, and give the ostler a shilling, then mount your horse and walk
+him gently for five miles; and whilst you are walking him in this manner,
+it may be as well to tell you to take care that you do not let him down
+and smash his knees, more especially if the road be a particularly good
+one, for it is not at a desperate hiverman {152} pace, and over very bad
+roads, that a horse tumbles and smashes his knees, but on your
+particularly nice road, when the horse is going gently and lazily, and is
+half asleep, like the gemman on his back; well, at the end of the five
+miles, when the horse has digested his food, and is all right, you may
+begin to push your horse on, trotting him a mile at a heat, and then
+walking him a quarter of a one, that his wind may be not distressed; and
+you may go on in that manner for thirty miles, never galloping of course,
+for none but fools or hivermen ever gallop horses on roads; and at the
+end of that distance you may stop at some other nice inn for dinner.  I
+say, when your horse is led into the stable, after that same thirty miles
+trotting and walking, don't let the saddle be whisked off at once, for if
+you do your horse will have such a sore back as will frighten you, but
+let your saddle remain on your horse's back, with the girths loosened,
+till after his next feed of corn, and be sure that he has no corn, much
+less water, till after a long hour and more; after he is fed he may be
+watered to the tune of half a pail, and then the ostler can give him a
+regular rub down; you may then sit down to dinner, and when you have
+dined get up and see to your horse as you did after breakfast, in fact
+you must do much after the same fashion you did at t'other inn; see to
+your horse, and by no means disoblige the ostler.  So when you have seen
+to your horse a second time, you will sit down to your bottle of
+wine--supposing you to be a gentleman--and after you have finished it,
+and your argument about the corn-laws with any commercial gentleman who
+happens to be in the room, you may mount your horse again--not forgetting
+to do the proper thing to the waiter and ostler; you may mount your horse
+again and ride him, as you did before, for about five-and-twenty miles,
+at the end of which you may put up for the night after a very fair day's
+journey, for no gentleman--supposing he weighs sixteen stone, as I
+suppose you will by the time you become a gentleman--ought to ride a
+horse more than sixty-five miles in one day, provided he has any regard
+for his horse's back, or his own either.  See to your horse at night, and
+have him well rubbed down.  The next day you may ride your horse forty
+miles just as you please, but never foolishly, and those forty miles will
+bring you to your journey's end, unless your journey be a plaguy long
+one, and if so, never ride your horse more than five-and-thirty miles a
+day, always, however, seeing him well fed, and taking more care of him
+than yourself; which is but right and reasonable, seeing as how the horse
+is the best animal of the two.
+
+'When you are a gentleman,' said he, after a pause, 'the first thing you
+must think about is to provide yourself with a good horse for your own
+particular riding; you will, perhaps, keep a coach and pair, but they
+will be less your own than your lady's, should you have one, and your
+young gentry, should you have any; or, if you have neither, for madam,
+your housekeeper, and the upper female servants; so you need trouble your
+head less about them, though, of course, you would not like to pay away
+your money for screws; but be sure you get a good horse for your own
+riding; and that you may have a good chance of having a good one, buy one
+that's young and has plenty of belly--a little more than the one has
+which you now have, though you are not yet a gentleman; you will, of
+course, look to his head, his withers, legs and other points, but never
+buy a horse at any price that has not plenty of belly, no horse that has
+not belly is ever a good feeder, and a horse that ain't a good feeder
+can't be a good horse; never buy a horse that is drawn up in the belly
+behind, a horse of that description can't feed, and can never carry
+sixteen stone.
+
+'So when you have got such a horse be proud of it--as I dare say you are
+of the one you have now--and wherever you go swear there ain't another to
+match it in the country, and if anybody gives you the lie, take him by
+the nose and tweak it off, just as you would do if anybody were to speak
+ill of your lady, or, for want of her, of your housekeeper.  Take care of
+your horse as you would of the apple of your eye--I am sure I would, if I
+were a gentleman, which I don't ever expect to be, and hardly wish,
+seeing as how I am sixty-nine, and am rather too old to ride--yes,
+cherish and take care of your horse as perhaps the best friend you have
+in the world; for, after all, who will carry you through thick and thin
+as your horse will? not your gentlemen friends, I warrant, nor your
+housekeeper, nor your upper servants, male or female; perhaps your lady
+would, that is, if she is a wopper, and one of the right sort; the others
+would be more likely to take up mud and pelt you with it, provided they
+saw you in trouble, than to help you.  So take care of your horse, and
+feed him every day with your own hands; give him three-quarters of a peck
+of corn each day, mixed up with a little hay-chaff, and allow him besides
+one hundred weight of hay in the course of the week; some say that the
+hay should be hardland hay, because it is wholesomest, but I say, let it
+be clover hay, because the horse likes it best; give him through summer
+and winter, once a week, a pailful of bran mash, cold in summer and in
+winter hot; ride him gently about the neighbourhood every day, by which
+means you will give exercise to yourself and horse, and, moreover, have
+the satisfaction of exhibiting yourself and your horse to advantage, and
+hearing, perhaps, the men say what a fine horse, and the ladies saying
+what a fine man: never let your groom mount your horse, as it is ten to
+one, if you do, your groom will be wishing to show off before company,
+and will fling your horse down.  I was groom to a gemman before I went to
+the inn at Hounslow, and flung him a horse down worth ninety guineas, by
+endeavouring to show off before some ladies that I met on the road.  Turn
+your horse out to grass throughout May and the first part of June, for
+then the grass is sweetest, and the flies don't sting so bad as they do
+later in summer; afterwards merely turn him out occasionally in the swale
+of the morn and the evening; after September the grass is good for
+little, lash and sour at best; every horse should go out to grass, if not
+his blood becomes full of greasy humours, and his wind is apt to become
+affected, but he ought to be kept as much as possible from the heat and
+flies, always got up at night, and never turned out late in the
+year--Lord! if I had always such a nice attentive person to listen to me
+as you are, I could go on talking about 'orses to the end of time.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+THE STAGE-COACHMEN OF ENGLAND--A BULLY SERVED OUT--BROUGHTON'S GUARD--THE
+BRAZEN HEAD
+
+I lived on very good terms, not only with the master and the old ostler,
+but with all the domestics and hangers-on at the inn: waiters,
+chambermaids, cooks, and scullions, not forgetting the 'boots,' of which
+there were three.  As for the postillions, I was sworn brother with them
+all, and some of them went so far as to swear that I was the best fellow
+in the world; for which high opinion entertained by them of me, I believe
+I was principally indebted to the good account their comrade gave of me,
+whom I had so hospitably received in the dingle.  I repeat that I lived
+on good terms with all the people connected with the inn, and was noticed
+and spoken kindly to by some of the guests--especially by that class
+termed commercial travellers--all of whom were great friends and
+patronizers of the landlord, and were the principal promoters of the
+dinner, and subscribers to the gift of plate, which I have already spoken
+of, the whole fraternity striking me as the jolliest set of fellows
+imaginable, the best customers to an inn, and the most liberal to
+servants; there was one description of persons, however, frequenting the
+inn, which I did not like at all, and which I did not get on well with,
+and these people were the stage-coachmen.
+
+The stage-coachmen of England, at the time of which I am speaking,
+considered themselves mighty fine gentry, nay, I verily believe the most
+important personages of the realm, and their entertaining this high
+opinion of themselves can scarcely be wondered at: they were low fellows,
+but masters of driving; driving was in fashion, and sprigs of nobility
+used to dress as coachmen and imitate the slang and behaviour of
+coachmen, from whom occasionally they would take lessons in driving as
+they sat beside them on the box, which post of honour any sprig of
+nobility who happened to take a place on a coach claimed as his
+unquestionable right; and then these sprigs would smoke cigars and drink
+sherry with the coachmen in bar-rooms, and on the road; and, when bidding
+them farewell, would give them a guinea or a half-guinea, and shake them
+by the hand, so that these fellows, being low fellows, very naturally
+thought no small liquor of themselves, but would talk familiarly of their
+friends lords so and so, the honourable misters so and so, and Sir Harry
+and Sir Charles, and be wonderfully saucy to any one who was not a lord,
+or something of the kind; and this high opinion of themselves received
+daily augmentation from the servile homage paid them by the generality of
+the untitled male passengers, especially those on the fore part of the
+coach, who used to contend for the honour of sitting on the box with the
+coachman when no sprig was nigh to put in his claim.  Oh! what servile
+homage these craven creatures did pay these same coach fellows, more
+especially after witnessing this or t'other act of brutality practised
+upon the weak and unoffending--upon some poor friendless woman travelling
+with but little money, and perhaps a brace of hungry children with her,
+or upon some thin and half-starved man travelling on the hind part of the
+coach from London to Liverpool with only eighteen pence in his pocket
+after his fare was paid, to defray his expenses on the road; for as the
+insolence of these knights was vast, so was their rapacity enormous; they
+had been so long accustomed to have crowns and half-crowns rained upon
+them by their admirers and flatterers that they would look at a shilling,
+for which many an honest labourer was happy to toil for ten hours under a
+broiling sun, with the utmost contempt; would blow upon it derisively, or
+fillip it into the air before they pocketed it; but when nothing was
+given them, as would occasionally happen--for how could they receive from
+those who had nothing? and nobody was bound to give them anything, as
+they had certain wages from their employers--then what a scene would
+ensue!  Truly the brutality and rapacious insolence of English coachmen
+had reached a climax; it was time that these fellows should be
+disenchanted, and the time--thank Heaven!--was not far distant.  Let the
+craven dastards who used to curry favour with them, and applaud their
+brutality, lament their loss now that they and their vehicles have
+disappeared from the roads; I, who have ever been an enemy to insolence,
+cruelty, and tyranny, loathe their memory, and, what is more, am not
+afraid to say so, well aware of the storm of vituperation, partly learnt
+from them, which I may expect from those who used to fall down and
+worship them.
+
+Amongst the coachmen who frequented the inn was one who was called 'the
+bang-up coachman.'  He drove to our inn in the forepart of every day, one
+of what were called the fast coaches, and afterwards took back the
+corresponding vehicle.  He stayed at our house about twenty minutes,
+during which time the passengers of the coach which he was to return with
+dined; those at least who were inclined for dinner, and could pay for it.
+He derived his sobriquet of 'The bang-up coachman' partly from his being
+dressed in the extremity of coach dandyism, and partly from the peculiar
+insolence of his manner, and the unmerciful fashion in which he was in
+the habit of lashing on the poor horses committed to his charge.  He was
+a large tall fellow, of about thirty, with a face which, had it not been
+bloated by excess, and insolence and cruelty stamped most visibly upon
+it, might have been called good-looking.  His insolence, indeed, was so
+great that he was hated by all the minor fry connected with coaches along
+the road upon which he drove, especially the ostlers, whom he was
+continually abusing or finding fault with.  Many was the hearty curse
+which he received when his back was turned; but the generality of people
+were much afraid of him, for he was a swinging strong fellow, and had the
+reputation of being a fighter, and in one or two instances had beaten in
+a barbarous manner individuals who had quarrelled with him.
+
+I was nearly having a fracas with this worthy.  One day, after he had
+been drinking sherry with a sprig, he swaggered into the yard where I
+happened to be standing; just then a waiter came by carrying upon a tray
+part of a splendid Cheshire cheese, with a knife, plate, and napkin.
+Stopping the waiter, the coachman cut with the knife a tolerably large
+lump out of the very middle of the cheese, stuck it on the end of the
+knife, and putting it to his mouth, nibbled a slight piece off it, and
+then, tossing the rest away with disdain, flung the knife down upon the
+tray, motioning the waiter to proceed.  'I wish,' said I, 'you may not
+want before you die what you have just flung away,' whereupon the fellow
+turned furiously towards me; just then, however, his coach being standing
+at the door, there was a cry for coachman, so that he was forced to
+depart, contenting himself for the present with shaking his fist at me,
+and threatening to serve me out on the first opportunity; before,
+however, the opportunity occurred he himself got served out in a most
+unexpected manner.
+
+The day after this incident he drove his coach to the inn, and after
+having dismounted and received the contributions of the generality of the
+passengers, he strutted up, with a cigar in his mouth, to an individual
+who had come with him, and who had just asked me a question with respect
+to the direction of a village about three miles off, to which he was
+going.  'Remember the coachman,' said the knight of the box to this
+individual, who was a thin person of about sixty, with a white hat,
+rather shabby black coat and buff-coloured trowsers, and who held an
+umbrella and a small bundle in his hand.  'If you expect me to give you
+anything,' said he to the coachman, 'you are mistaken; I will give you
+nothing.  You have been very insolent to me as I rode behind you on the
+coach, and have encouraged two or three trumpery fellows, who rode along
+with you, to cut scurvy jokes at my expense, and now you come to me for
+money; I am not so poor but I could have given you a shilling had you
+been civil; as it is, I will give you nothing.'  'Oh! you won't, won't
+you?' said the coachman; 'dear me!  I hope I shan't starve because you
+won't give me anything--a shilling!  Why, I could afford to give you
+twenty if I thought fit, you pauper!  Civil to you, indeed! things are
+come to a fine pass if I need be civil to you!  Do you know who you are
+speaking to?  Why, the best lords in the country are proud to speak to
+me.  Why, it was only the other day that the Marquis of --- said to me--'
+And then he went on to say what the Marquis said to him; after which,
+flinging down his cigar, he strutted up the road, swearing to himself
+about paupers.
+
+'You say it is three miles to ---,' said the individual to me; 'I think I
+shall light my pipe, and smoke it as I go along.'  Thereupon he took out
+from a side-pocket a tobacco-box and short meerschaum pipe, and
+implements for striking a light, filled his pipe, lighted it, and
+commenced smoking.  Presently the coachman drew near; I saw at once that
+there was mischief in his eye; the man smoking was standing with his back
+towards him, and he came so nigh to him, seemingly purposely, that as he
+passed a puff of smoke came of necessity against his face.  'What do you
+mean by smoking in my face?' said he, striking the pipe of the elderly
+individual out of his mouth.  The other, without manifesting much
+surprise, said, 'I thank you; and if you will wait a minute, I will give
+you a receipt for that favour.'  Then, gathering up his pipe, and taking
+off his coat and hat, he laid them on a stepping-block which stood near,
+and rubbing his hands together, he advanced towards the coachman in an
+attitude of offence, holding his hands crossed very near to his face.
+The coachman, who probably expected anything but such a movement from a
+person of the age and appearance of the individual whom he had insulted,
+stood for a moment motionless with surprise; but, recollecting himself,
+he pointed at him derisively with his finger; the next moment, however,
+the other was close upon him, had struck aside the extended hand with his
+left fist, and given him a severe blow on the nose with his right, which
+he immediately followed by a left-hand blow in the eye; then drawing his
+body slightly backward, with the velocity of lightning he struck the
+coachman full in the mouth, and the last blow was the severest of all,
+for it cut the coachman's lips nearly through; blows so quickly and
+sharply dealt I had never seen.  The coachman reeled like a fir-tree in a
+gale, and seemed nearly unsensed.  'Ho! what's this? a fight! a fight!'
+sounded from a dozen voices, and people came running from all directions
+to see what was going on.  The coachman, coming somewhat to himself,
+disencumbered himself of his coat and hat; and, encouraged by two or
+three of his brothers of the whip, showed some symptoms of fighting,
+endeavouring to close with his foe, but the attempt was vain, his foe was
+not to be closed with; he did not shift or dodge about, but warded off
+the blows of his opponent with the greatest sang-froid, always using the
+guard which I have already described, and putting in, in return, short
+chopping blows with the swiftness of lightning.  In a very few minutes
+the countenance of the coachman was literally cut to pieces, and several
+of his teeth were dislodged; at length he gave in; stung with
+mortification, however, he repented, and asked for another round; it was
+granted, to his own complete demolition.  The coachman did not drive his
+coach back that day; he did not appear on the box again for a week; but
+he never held up his head afterwards.  Before I quitted the inn he had
+disappeared from the road, going no one knew where.
+
+The coachman, as I have said before, was very much disliked upon the
+road, but there was an esprit de corps amongst the coachmen, and those
+who stood by did not like to see their brother chastised in such
+tremendous fashion.  'I never saw such a fight before,' said one.
+'Fight! why, I don't call it a fight at all, this chap here ha'n't got a
+scratch, whereas Tom is cut to pieces; it is all along of that guard of
+his; if Tom could have got within his guard he would have soon served the
+old chap out.'  'So he would,' said another, 'it was all owing to that
+guard.  However, I think I see into it, and if I had not to drive this
+afternoon, I would have a turn with the old fellow and soon serve him
+out.'  'I will fight him now for a guinea,' said the other coachman, half
+taking off his coat; observing, however, that the elderly individual made
+a motion towards him, he hitched it upon his shoulder again, and added,
+'that is, if he had not been fighting already, but as it is, I am above
+taking an advantage, especially of such a poor old creature as that.'
+And when he had said this, he looked around him, and there was a feeble
+titter of approbation from two or three of the craven crew, who were in
+the habit of currying favour with the coachmen.  The elderly individual
+looked for a moment at these last, and then said: 'To such fellows as you
+I have nothing to say;' then turning to the coachmen, 'and as for you,'
+he said, 'ye cowardly bullies, I have but one word, which is, that your
+reign upon the roads is nearly over, and that a time is coming when ye
+will be no longer wanted or employed in your present capacity, when ye
+will either have to drive dung-carts, assist as ostlers at village
+ale-houses, or rot in the workhouse.'  Then putting on his coat and hat,
+and taking up his bundle, not forgetting his meerschaum, and the rest of
+his smoking apparatus, he departed on his way.  Filled with curiosity, I
+followed him.
+
+'I am quite astonished that you should be able to use your hands in the
+way you have done,' said I, as I walked with this individual in the
+direction in which he was bound.
+
+'I will tell you how I became able to do so,' said the elderly
+individual, proceeding to fill and light his pipe as he walked along.
+'My father was a journeyman engraver, who lived in a very riotous
+neighbourhood in the outskirts of London.  Wishing to give me something
+of an education, he sent me to a day-school, two or three streets distant
+from where we lived, and there, being rather a puny boy, I suffered much
+persecution from my school-fellows, who were a very blackguard set.  One
+day, as I was running home, with one of my tormentors pursuing me, old
+Sergeant Broughton, {161} the retired fighting-man, seized me by the
+arm--'
+
+'Dear me,' said I; 'has it ever been your luck to be acquainted with
+Sergeant Broughton?'
+
+'You may well call it luck,' said the elderly individual; 'but for him I
+should never have been able to make my way through the world.  He lived
+only four doors from our house; so, as I was running along the street,
+with my tyrant behind me, Sergeant Broughton seized me by the arm.
+"Stop, my boy," said he; "I have frequently seen that scamp ill-treating
+you; now I will teach you how to send him home with a bloody nose; down
+with your bag of books; and now, my game chick," whispered he to me,
+placing himself between me and my adversary, so that he could not observe
+his motions; "clench your fist in this manner, and hold your arms in
+this, and when he strikes at you, move them as I now show you, and he
+can't hurt you; now, don't be afraid, but go at him."  I confess that I
+was somewhat afraid, but I considered myself in some degree under the
+protection of the famous Sergeant, and, clenching my fist, I went at my
+foe, using the guard which my ally recommended.  The result corresponded
+to a certain degree with the predictions of the Sergeant; I gave my foe a
+bloody nose and a black eye, though, notwithstanding my recent lesson in
+the art of self-defence, he contrived to give me two or three clumsy
+blows.  From that moment I was the especial favourite of the Sergeant,
+who gave me farther lessons, so that in a little time I became a very
+fair boxer, beating everybody of my own size who attacked me.  The old
+gentleman, however, made me promise never to be quarrelsome, nor to turn
+his instructions to account, except in self-defence.  I have always borne
+in mind my promise, and have made it a point of conscience never to fight
+unless absolutely compelled.  Folks may rail against boxing if they
+please, but being able to box may sometimes stand a quiet man in good
+stead.  How should I have fared to-day, but for the instructions of
+Sergeant Broughton?  But for them, the brutal ruffian who insulted me
+must have passed unpunished.  He will not soon forget the lesson which I
+have just given him--the only lesson he could understand.  What would
+have been the use of reasoning with a fellow of that description?  Brave
+old Broughton!  I owe him much.'
+
+'And your manner of fighting,' said I, 'was the manner employed by
+Sergeant Broughton?'
+
+'Yes,' said my new acquaintance; 'it was the manner in which he beat
+every one who attempted to contend with him, till, in an evil hour, he
+entered the ring with Slack, {162a} without any training or preparation,
+and by a chance blow lost the battle to a man who had been beaten with
+ease by those who, in the hands of Broughton, appeared like so many
+children.  It was the way of fighting of him who first taught Englishmen
+to box scientifically, who was the head and father of the fighters of
+what is now called the old school, the last of which were Johnson and Big
+Ben.' {162b}
+
+'A wonderful man that Big Ben,' said I.
+
+'He was so,' said the elderly individual; 'but had it not been for
+Broughton, I question whether Ben would have ever been the fighter he
+was.  Oh! there is no one like old Broughton; but for him I should at the
+present moment be sneaking along the road, pursued by the hissings and
+hootings of the dirty flatterers of that black-guard coachman.'
+
+'What did you mean,' said I, 'by those words of yours, that the coachmen
+would speedily disappear from the roads?'
+
+'I meant,' said he, 'that a new method of travelling is about to be
+established, which will supersede the old.  I am a poor engraver, as my
+father was before me; but engraving is an intellectual trade, and by
+following it, I have been brought in contact with some of the cleverest
+men in England.  It has even made me acquainted with the projector of the
+scheme, which he has told me many of the wisest heads of England have
+been dreaming of during a period of six hundred years, and which it seems
+was alluded to by a certain Brazen Head in the story-book of Friar Bacon,
+who is generally supposed to have been a wizard, but in reality was a
+great philosopher.  Young man, in less than twenty years, by which time I
+shall be dead and gone, England will be surrounded with roads of metal,
+on which armies may travel with mighty velocity, and of which the walls
+of brass and iron by which the friar proposed to defend his native land
+are types.'  He then, shaking me by the hand, proceeded on his way,
+whilst I returned to the inn.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+FRANCIS ARDRY--HIS MISFORTUNES--DOG AND LION FIGHT--GREAT MEN OF THE
+WORLD
+
+A few days after the circumstance which I have last commemorated, it
+chanced that, as I was standing at the door of the inn, one of the
+numerous stage-coaches which were in the habit of stopping there, drove
+up, and several passengers got down.  I had assisted a woman with a
+couple of children to dismount, and had just delivered to her a band-box,
+which appeared to be her only property, which she had begged me to fetch
+down from the roof, when I felt a hand laid upon my shoulder, and heard a
+voice exclaim, 'Is it possible, old fellow, that I find you in this
+place?'  I turned round, and wrapped in a large blue cloak, I beheld my
+good friend Francis Ardry. {163a}  I shook him most warmly by the hand,
+and said, 'If you are surprised to see me, I am no less so to see you,
+where are you bound to?'
+
+'I am bound for L---, {163b} at any rate I am booked for that seaport,'
+said my friend in reply.
+
+'I am sorry for it,' said I, 'for in that case we shall have to part in a
+quarter of an hour, the coach by which you came stopping no longer.'
+
+'And whither are you bound?' demanded my friend.
+
+'I am stopping at present in this house, quite undetermined as to what to
+do.'
+
+'Then come along with me,' said Francis Ardry.
+
+'That I can scarcely do,' said I, 'I have a horse in the stall which I
+cannot afford to ruin by racing to L--- by the side of your coach.'
+
+My friend mused for a moment: 'I have no particular business at L---,'
+said he; 'I was merely going thither to pass a day or two, till an
+affair, in which I am deeply interested, at C--- {164} shall come off.  I
+think I shall stay with you for four-and-twenty hours at least; I have
+been rather melancholy of late, and cannot afford to part with a friend
+like you at the present moment; it is an unexpected piece of good fortune
+to have met you; and I have not been very fortunate of late,' he added,
+sighing.
+
+'Well,' said I, 'I am glad to see you once more, whether fortunate or
+not; where is your baggage?'
+
+'Yon trunk is mine,' said Francis, pointing to a trunk of black Russian
+leather upon the coach.
+
+'We will soon have it down,' said I, and at a word which I gave to one of
+the hangers-on at the inn, the trunk was taken from the top of the coach.
+'Now,' said I to Francis Ardry, 'follow me, I am a person of some
+authority in this house;' thereupon I led Francis Ardry into the house,
+and a word which I said to a waiter forthwith installed Francis Ardry in
+a comfortable private sitting-room, and his trunk in the very best
+sleeping-room of our extensive establishment.
+
+It was now about one o'clock: Francis Ardry ordered dinner for two, to be
+ready at four, and a pint of sherry to be brought forthwith, which I
+requested my friend the waiter might be the very best, and which in
+effect turned out as I requested; we sat down, and when we had drank to
+each other's health, Frank requested me to make known to him how I had
+contrived to free myself from my embarrassments in London, what I had
+been about since I quitted that city, and the present posture of my
+affairs.
+
+I related to Francis Ardry how I had composed the Life of Joseph Sell,
+and how the sale of it to the bookseller had enabled me to quit London
+with money in my pocket, which had supported me during a long course of
+ramble in the country, into the particulars of which I, however, did not
+enter with any considerable degree of fulness.  I summed up my account by
+saying that 'I was at present a kind of overlooker in the stables of the
+inn, had still some pounds in my purse, and, moreover, a capital horse in
+the stall.'
+
+'No very agreeable posture of affairs,' said Francis Ardry, looking
+rather seriously at me.
+
+'I make no complaints,' said I, 'my prospects are not very bright, it is
+true, but sometimes I have visions, both waking and sleeping, which,
+though always strange, are invariably agreeable.  Last night, in my
+chamber near the hayloft, I dreamt that I had passed over an almost
+interminable wilderness--an enormous wall rose before me, the wall,
+methought, was the great wall of China:--strange figures appeared to be
+beckoning to me from the top of the wall; such visions are not exactly to
+be sneered at.  Not that such phantasmagoria,' said I, raising my voice,
+'are to be compared for a moment with such desirable things as fashion,
+fine clothes, cheques from uncles, parliamentary interest, the love of
+splendid females.  Ah! woman's love,' said I, and sighed.
+
+'What's the matter with the fellow?' said Francis Ardry.
+
+'There is nothing like it,' said I.
+
+'Like what?'
+
+'Love, divine love,' said I.
+
+'Confound love,' said Francis Ardry, 'I hate the very name; I have made
+myself a pretty fool by it, but trust me for ever being caught at such
+folly again.  In an evil hour I abandoned my former pursuits and
+amusements for it; in one morning spent at Joey's there was more real
+pleasure than in--'
+
+'Surely,' said I, 'you are not hankering after dog-fighting again, a
+sport which none but the gross and unrefined care anything for?  No,
+one's thoughts should be occupied by something higher and more rational
+than dog-fighting; and what better than love--divine love?  Oh, there's
+nothing like it!'
+
+'Pray, don't talk nonsense,' said Francis Ardry.
+
+'Nonsense,' said I; 'why I was repeating, to the best of my recollection,
+what I heard you say on a former occasion.'
+
+'If ever I talked such stuff,' said Francis Ardry, 'I was a fool; and
+indeed I cannot deny that I have been one: no, there is no denying that I
+have been a fool.  What do you think?  That false Annette {165} has
+cruelly abandoned me.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'perhaps you have yourself to thank for her having done
+so; did you never treat her with coldness, and repay her marks of
+affectionate interest with strange fits of eccentric humour?'
+
+'Lord! how little you know of women,' said Francis Ardry; 'had I done as
+you suppose, I should probably have possessed her at the present moment.
+I treated her in a manner diametrically opposite to that.  I loaded her
+with presents, was always most assiduous to her, always at her feet, as I
+may say, yet she nevertheless abandoned me--and for whom?  I am almost
+ashamed to say--for a fiddler.'
+
+I took a glass of wine, Francis Ardry followed my example, and then
+proceeded to detail to me the treatment which he had experienced from
+Annette, and from what he said, it appeared that her conduct to him had
+been in the highest degree reprehensible; notwithstanding he had indulged
+her in everything, she was never civil to him, but loaded him continually
+with taunts and insults, and had finally, on his being unable to supply
+her with a sum of money which she had demanded, decamped from the
+lodgings which he had taken for her, carrying with her all the presents
+which at various times he had bestowed upon her, and had put herself
+under the protection of a gentleman who played the bassoon at the Italian
+Opera, at which place it appeared that her sister had lately been engaged
+as a danseuse.  My friend informed me that at first he had experienced
+great agony at the ingratitude of Annette, but at last had made up his
+mind to forget her, and in order more effectually to do so, had left
+London with the intention of witnessing a fight, which was shortly coming
+off at a town in these parts, between some dogs and a lion; {166} which
+combat, he informed me, had for some time past been looked forward to
+with intense eagerness by the gentlemen of the sporting world.
+
+I commended him for his resolution, at the same time advising him not to
+give up his mind entirely to dog-fighting, as he had formerly done, but,
+when the present combat should be over, to return to his rhetorical
+studies, and above all to marry some rich and handsome lady on the first
+opportunity, as, with his person and expectations, he had only to sue for
+the hand of the daughter of a marquis to be successful, telling him, with
+a sigh, that all women were not Annettes, and that upon the whole there
+was nothing like them.  To which advice he answered, that he intended to
+return to rhetoric as soon as the lion fight should be over, but that he
+never intended to marry, having had enough of women; adding, that he was
+glad he had no sister, as, with the feelings which he entertained with
+respect to her sex, he should be unable to treat her with common
+affection, and concluded by repeating a proverb which he had learnt from
+an Arab whom he had met at Venice, to the effect that, 'one who has been
+stung by a snake, shivers at the sight of a string.'
+
+After a little more conversation, we strolled to the stable, where my
+horse was standing; my friend, who was a connoisseur in horse-flesh,
+surveyed the animal with attention, and after inquiring where and how I
+had obtained him, asked what I intended to do with him; on my telling him
+that I was undetermined, and that I was afraid the horse was likely to
+prove a burden to me, he said, 'It is a noble animal, and if you mind
+what you are about, you may make a small fortune by him.  I do not want
+such an animal myself, nor do I know any one who does; but a great
+horse-fair will be held shortly at a place where, it is true, I have
+never been, but of which I have heard a great deal from my acquaintances,
+where it is said a first-rate horse is always sure to fetch its value;
+that place is Horncastle, in Lincolnshire; you should take him thither.'
+
+Francis Ardry and myself dined together, and after dinner partook of a
+bottle of the best port which the inn afforded.  After a few glasses, we
+had a great deal of conversation; I again brought the subject of marriage
+and love, divine love, upon the carpet, but Francis almost immediately
+begged me to drop it; and on my having the delicacy to comply, he
+reverted to dog-fighting, on which he talked well and learnedly; amongst
+other things, he said that it was a princely sport of great antiquity,
+and quoted from Quintus Curtius to prove that the princes of India must
+have been of the fancy, they having, according to that author, treated
+Alexander to a fight between certain dogs and a lion.  Becoming,
+notwithstanding my friend's eloquence and learning, somewhat tired of the
+subject, I began to talk about Alexander.  Francis Ardry said he was one
+of the two great men whom the world has produced, the other being
+Napoleon; I replied that I believed Tamerlane was a greater man than
+either; but Francis Ardry knew nothing of Tamerlane, save what he had
+gathered from the play of Timour the Tartar.  'No,' said he; 'Alexander
+and Napoleon are the great men of the world, their names are known
+everywhere.  Alexander has been dead upwards of two thousand years, but
+the very English bumpkins sometimes christen their boys by the name of
+Alexander--can there be a greater evidence of his greatness?  As for
+Napoleon, there are some parts of India in which his bust is worshipped.'
+Wishing to make up a triumvirate I mentioned the name of Wellington, to
+which Francis Ardry merely said, 'bah!' and resumed the subject of
+dog-fighting.
+
+Francis Ardry remained at the inn during that day and the next, and then
+departed to the dog and lion fight; I never saw him afterwards, and
+merely heard of him once after the lapse of some years, and what I then
+heard was not exactly what I could have wished to hear.  He did not make
+much of the advantages which he possessed, a pity, for how great were
+those advantages--person, intellect, eloquence, connection, riches! yet,
+with all these advantages, one thing highly needful seems to have been
+wanting in Francis.  A desire, a craving, to perform something great and
+good.  Oh! what a vast deal may be done with intellect, courage, riches,
+accompanied by the desire of doing something great and good!  Why, a
+person may carry the blessings of civilization and religion to barbarous,
+yet at the same time to beautiful and romantic lands; and what a triumph
+there is for him who does so!  What a crown of glory! of far greater
+value that those surrounding the brows of your mere conquerors.  Yet who
+has done so in these times?  Not many; not three, not two, something
+seems to have been always wanting: there is, however, one instance in
+which the various requisites have been united, and the crown, the most
+desirable in the world--at least which I consider to be the most
+desirable--achieved, and only one, that of Brooke of Borneo. {168}
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+MR. PLATITUDE AND THE MAN IN BLACK--THE POSTILLION'S ADVENTURES--THE LONE
+HOUSE--A GOODLY ASSEMBLAGE
+
+It never rains, but it pours.  I was destined to see at this inn more
+acquaintances than one.  On the day of Francis Ardry's departure, shortly
+after he had taken leave of me, as I was standing in the corn-chamber at
+a kind of writing-table or desk, fastened to the wall, with a book before
+me, in which I was making out an account of the corn and hay lately
+received and distributed, my friend the postillion came running in out of
+breath.  'Here they both are,' he gasped out; 'pray do come and look at
+them!'
+
+'Whom do you mean?' said I.
+
+'Why, that red-haired Jack Priest, and that idiotic parson, Platitude;
+they have just been set down by one of the coaches, and want a
+post-chaise to go across the country in; and what do you think?  I am to
+have the driving of them.  I have no time to lose, for I must get myself
+ready: so do come and look at them.'
+
+I hastened into the yard of the inn; two or three of the helpers of our
+establishment were employed in drawing forward a post-chaise out of the
+chaise-house, which occupied one side of the yard, and which was spacious
+enough to contain nearly twenty of these vehicles, though it was never
+full, several of them being always out upon the roads, as the demand upon
+us for post-chaises across the country was very great.  'There they are,'
+said the postillion, softly, nodding towards two individuals, in one of
+whom I recognised the man in black, and in the other Mr. Platitude;
+'there they are; have a good look at them, while I go and get ready.'
+The man in black and Mr. Platitude were walking up and down the yard, Mr.
+Platitude was doing his best to make himself appear ridiculous, talking
+very loudly in exceedingly bad Italian, evidently for the purpose of
+attracting the notice of the bystanders, in which he succeeded, all the
+stable-boys and hangers on about the yard, attracted by his vociferation,
+grinning at his ridiculous figure as he limped up and down.  The man in
+black said little or nothing, but from the glances which he cast sideways
+appeared to be thoroughly ashamed of his companion; the worthy couple
+presently arrived close to where I was standing, and the man in black,
+who was nearest to me, perceiving me, stood still as if hesitating, but
+recovering himself in a moment, he moved on without taking any further
+notice; Mr. Platitude exclaimed as they passed, in broken lingo, 'I hope
+we shall find the holy doctors all assembled,' and as they returned, 'I
+make no doubt that they will all be rejoiced to see me.'  Not wishing to
+be standing an idle gazer, I went to the chaise and assisted in attaching
+the horses, which had now been brought out, to the pole.  The postillion
+presently arrived, and finding all ready took the reins and mounted the
+box, whilst I very politely opened the door for the two travellers; Mr.
+Platitude got in first, and, without taking any notice of me, seated
+himself on the farther side.  In got the man in black and seated himself
+nearest to me.  'All is right,' said I, as I shut the door, whereupon the
+postillion cracked his whip, and the chaise drove out of the yard.  Just
+as I shut the door, however, and just as Mr. Platitude had recommenced
+talking in jergo, at the top of his voice, the man in black turned his
+face partly towards me, and gave me a wink with his left eye.
+
+I did not see my friend the postillion till the next morning, when he
+gave me an account of the adventures he had met with on his expedition.
+It appeared that he had driven the man in black and the Reverend
+Platitude across the country by roads and lanes which he had some
+difficulty in threading.  At length, when he had reached a part of the
+country where he had never been before, the man in black pointed out to
+him a house near the corner of a wood, to which he informed him they were
+bound.  The postillion said it was a strange-looking house, with a wall
+round it; and, upon the whole, bore something of the look of a madhouse.
+There was already a post-chaise at the gate, from which three individuals
+had alighted--one of them the postillion said was a mean-looking
+scoundrel, with a regular petty-larceny expression in his countenance.
+He was dressed very much like the man in black, and the postillion said
+that he could almost have taken his bible oath that they were both of the
+same profession.  The other two he said were parsons, he could swear
+that, though he had never seen them before; there could be no mistake
+about them.  Church of England parsons the postillion swore they were,
+with their black coats, white cravats, and airs, in which clumsiness and
+conceit were most funnily blended--Church of England parsons of the
+Platitude description, who had been in Italy, and seen the Pope, and
+kissed his toe, and picked up a little broken Italian, and come home
+greater fools than they went forth.  It appeared that they were all
+acquaintances of Mr. Platitude, for when the postillion had alighted and
+let Mr. Platitude and his companion out of the chaise, Mr. Platitude
+shook the whole three by the hand, conversed with his two brothers in a
+little broken jergo, and addressed the petty-larceny looking individual
+by the title of Reverend Doctor.  In the midst of these greetings,
+however, the postillion said the man in black came up to him, and
+proceeded to settle with him for the chaise; he had shaken hands with
+nobody, and had merely nodded to the others; 'and now,' said the
+postillion, 'he evidently wished to get rid of me, fearing, probably,
+that I should see too much of the nonsense that was going on.  It was
+whilst settling with me that he seemed to recognise me for the first
+time, for he stared hard at me, and at last asked whether I had not been
+in Italy; to which question, with a nod and a laugh, I replied that I
+had.  I was then going to ask him about the health of the image of Holy
+Mary, and to say that I hoped it had recovered from its horsewhipping;
+but he interrupted me, paid me the money for the fare, and gave me a
+crown for myself, saying he would not detain me any longer.  I say,
+partner, I am a poor postillion, but when he gave me the crown I had a
+good mind to fling it in his face.  I reflected, however, that it was not
+mere gift-money, but coin which I had earned, and hardly too, so I put it
+in my pocket, and I bethought me, moreover, that, knave as I knew him to
+be, he had always treated me with civility; so I nodded to him, and he
+said something which, perhaps, he meant for Latin, but which sounded very
+much like "vails," and by which he doubtless alluded to the money which
+he had given me.  He then went into the house with the rest, the coach
+drove away which had brought the others, and I was about to get on the
+box and follow; observing, however, two more chaises driving up, I
+thought I would be in no hurry, so I just led my horses and chaise a
+little out of the way, and pretending to be occupied about the harness, I
+kept a tolerably sharp look-out at the new arrivals.  Well, partner, the
+next vehicle that drove up was a gentleman's carriage which I knew very
+well, as well as those with it, who were a father and son, the father a
+good kind of old gentleman, and a justice of the peace, therefore not
+very wise, as you may suppose; the son a puppy who has been abroad, where
+he contrived to forget his own language, though only nine months absent,
+and now rules the roast over his father and mother, whose only child he
+is, and by whom he is thought wondrous clever.  So this foreigneering
+chap brings his poor old father to this out of the way house to meet
+these Platitudes and petty larceny villains, and perhaps would have
+brought his mother too, only, simple thing, by good fortune she happens
+to be laid up with the rheumatiz.  Well, the father and son, I beg pardon
+I mean the son and father, got down and went in, and then after their
+carriage was gone, the chaise behind drove up, in which was a huge fat
+fellow, weighing twenty stone at least, but with something of a foreign
+look, and with him--who do you think?  Why, a rascally Unitarian
+minister--that is, a fellow who had been such a minister--but who some
+years ago leaving his own people, who had bred him up and sent him to
+their college at York, went over to the High Church, and is now, I
+suppose, going over to some other church, for he was talking, as he got
+down, wondrous fast in Latin, or what sounded something like Latin, to
+the fat fellow, who appeared to take things wonderfully easy, and merely
+grunted to the dog Latin which the scoundrel had learnt at the expense of
+the poor Unitarians at York.  So they went into the house, and presently
+arrived another chaise, but ere I could make any farther observations,
+the porter of the out-of-the-way house came up to me, asking what I was
+stopping there for? bidding me go away, and not pry into other people's
+business.  "Pretty business," said I to him, "that is being transacted in
+a play like this," and then I was going to say something uncivil, but he
+went to attend to the new comers, and I took myself away on my own
+business as he bade me, not however, before observing that these two last
+were a couple of blackcoats.'
+
+The postillion then proceeded to relate how he made the best of his way
+to a small public-house, about a mile off, where he had intended to bait,
+and how he met on the way a landau and pair, belonging to a Scotch
+coxcomb whom he had known in London, about whom he related some curious
+particulars, and then continued: 'Well, after I had passed him and his
+turn-out, I drove straight to the public-house, where I baited my horses,
+and where I found some of the chaises and drivers who had driven the
+folks to the lunatic-looking mansion, and were now waiting to take them
+up again.  Whilst my horses were eating their bait, I sat me down, as the
+weather was warm, at a table outside, and smoked a pipe and drank some
+ale, in company with the coachman of the old gentleman who had gone to
+the house with his son, and the coachman then told me that the house was
+a Papist house, and that the present was a grand meeting of all the fools
+and rascals in the country, who came to bow down to images, and to
+concert schemes--pretty schemes, no doubt--for overturning the religion
+of the country, and that for his part he did not approve of being
+concerned with such doings, and that he was going to give his master
+warning next day.  So, as we were drinking and discoursing, up drove the
+chariot of the Scotchman, and down got his valet and the driver, and
+whilst the driver was seeing after the horses, the valet came and sat
+down at the table where the gentleman's coachman and I were drinking.  I
+knew the fellow well, a Scotchman like his master, and just of the same
+kidney, with white kid gloves, red hair frizzled, a patch of paint on his
+face, and his hands covered with rings.  This very fellow, I must tell
+you, was one of those most busy in endeavouring to get me turned out of
+the servants' club in Park Lane, because I happened to serve a literary
+man; so he sat down, and in a kind of affected tone cried out, "Landlord,
+bring me a glass of cold negus."  The landlord, however, told him that
+there was no negus, but that if he pleased he could have a jug of as good
+beer as any in the country.  "Confound the beer," said the valet, "do you
+think I am accustomed to such vulgar beverage?"  However, as he found
+there was nothing better to be had, he let the man bring him some beer,
+and when he had got it, soon showed that he could drink it easily enough;
+so, when he had drank two or three draughts, he turned his eyes in a
+contemptuous manner, first on the coachman and then on me; I saw the
+scamp recollected me, for after staring at me and at my dress for about
+half a minute, he put on a broad grin, and flinging his head back he
+uttered a loud laugh.  Well, I did not like this, as you may well
+believe, and taking the pipe out of my mouth, I asked him if he meant
+anything personal, to which he answered that he had said nothing to me,
+and that he had a right to look where he pleased, and laugh when he
+pleased.  Well, as to a certain extent he was right as to looking and
+laughing, and as I have occasionally looked at a fool and laughed, though
+I was not the fool in this instance, I put my pipe into my mouth and said
+no more.  This quiet and well-regulated behaviour of mine, however, the
+fellow interpreted into fear; so, after drinking a little more, he
+suddenly started up, and striding once or twice before the table, he
+asked me what I meant by that impertinent question of mine, saying that
+he had a good mind to wring my nose for my presumption.  "You have?" said
+I, getting up and laying down my pipe.  "Well, I'll now give you an
+opportunity."  So I put myself in an attitude, and went up to him,
+saying, "I have an old score to settle with you, you scamp; you wanted to
+get me turned out of the club, didn't you?"  And thereupon, remembering
+that he had threatened to wring my nose, I gave him a snorter upon his
+own.  I wish you could have seen the fellow when he felt the smart; so
+far from trying to defend himself, he turned round, and with his hand to
+his face, attempted to run away, but I was now in a regular passion, and
+following him up, got before him, and was going to pummel away at him
+when he burst into tears, and begged me not to hurt him, saying that he
+was sorry if he had offended me, and that, if I pleased, he would go down
+on his knees, or do anything else I wanted.  Well, when I heard him talk
+in this manner, I, of course, let him be; I could hardly help laughing at
+the figure he cut, his face all blubbered with tears and blood and paint;
+but I did not laugh at the poor creature either, but went to the table
+and took up my pipe and smoked and drank as if nothing had happened; and
+the fellow, after having been to the pump, came and sat down, crying and
+trying to curry favour with me and the coachman; presently, however,
+putting on a confidential look, he began to talk of the Popish house, and
+of the doings there, and said he supposed as how we were of the party,
+and that it was all right; and then he began to talk of the Pope of Rome,
+and what a nice man he was, and what a fine thing it was to be of his
+religion, especially if folks went over to him; and how it advanced them
+in the world, and gave them consideration; and how his master, who had
+been abroad and seen the Pope, and kissed his toe, was going over to the
+Popish religion, and had persuaded him to consent to do so, and to
+forsake his own, which I think the scoundrel called the 'Piscopal Church
+of Scotland, and how many others of that Church were going over, thinking
+to better their condition in life by so doing, and to be more thought on;
+and how many of the English Church were thinking of going over too--and
+that he had no doubt that it would all end right and comfortably.'  Well,
+as he was going on in this way, the old coachman began to spit, and
+getting up, flung all the beer that was in his jug upon the ground, and
+going away, ordered another jug of beer, and sat down at another table,
+saying that he would not drink in such company; and I, too, got up, and
+flung what beer remained in my jug--there wasn't more than a drop--in the
+fellow's face, saying I would scorn to drink any more in such company;
+and then I went to my horses, put them to, paid my reckoning, and drove
+home.'
+
+The postillion having related his story, to which I listened with all due
+attention, mused for a moment, and then said: 'I dare say you remember
+how, some time since, when old Bill had been telling us how the
+Government a long time ago had done away with robbing on the highway by
+putting down the public-houses and places which the highwaymen
+frequented, and by sending out a good mounted police to hunt them down, I
+said that it was a shame that the present Government did not employ
+somewhat the same means in order to stop the proceedings of Mumbo Jumbo
+and his gang now-a-days in England.  Howsomever, since I have driven a
+fare to a Popish rendezvous, and seen something of what is going on
+there, I should conceive that the Government are justified in allowing
+the gang the free exercise of their calling.  Anybody is welcome to stoop
+and pick up nothing or worse than nothing, and if Mumbo Jumbo's people,
+after their expeditions, return to their haunts with no better plunder in
+the shape of converts than what I saw going into yonder place of call, I
+should say they are welcome to what they get; for if that's the kind of
+rubbish they steal out of the Church of England, or any other Church, who
+in his senses but would say a good riddance, and many thanks for your
+trouble; at any rate, that is my opinion of the matter.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+DELIBERATIONS WITH SELF--RESOLUTION--INVITATION TO DINNER--THE COMMERCIAL
+TRAVELLER--THE LANDLORD'S OFFER--THE COMET WINE
+
+It was now that I had frequent deliberations with myself.  Should I
+continue at the inn in my present position?  I was not very much
+captivated with it; there was little poetry in keeping an account of the
+corn, hay, and straw which came in, and was given out, and I was fond of
+poetry; moreover, there was no glory at all to be expected in doing so,
+and I was fond of glory.  Should I give up that situation, and remaining
+at the inn, become ostler under old Bill?  There was more poetry in
+rubbing down horses than in keeping an account of straw, hay, and corn;
+there was also some prospect of glory attached to the situation of
+ostler, for the grooms and stable-boys occasionally talked of an ostler,
+a great way down the road, who had been presented by some sporting
+people, not with a silver vase, as our governor had been, but with a
+silver currycomb, in testimony of their admiration for his skill; but I
+confess that the poetry of rubbing down had become, as all other poetry
+becomes, rather prosy by frequent repetition, and with respect to the
+chance of deriving glory from the employment, I entertained in the event
+of my determining to stay, very slight hope of ever attaining skill in
+the ostler art sufficient to induce sporting people to bestow upon me a
+silver currycomb.  I was not half so good an ostler as old Bill, who had
+never been presented with a silver currycomb, and I never expected to
+become so, therefore what chance had I?  It was true, there was a
+prospect of some pecuniary emolument to be derived by remaining in either
+situation.  It was very probable that, provided I continued to keep an
+account of the hay and corn coming in and expended, the landlord would
+consent to allow me a pound a week, which at the end of a dozen years,
+provided I kept myself sober, would amount to a considerable sum.  I
+might, on the retirement of old Bill, by taking his place, save up a
+decent sum of money, provided, unlike him, I kept myself sober, and laid
+by all the shillings and sixpences I got; but the prospect of laying up a
+decent sum of money was not of sufficient importance to induce me to
+continue either at my wooden desk, or in the inn-yard.  The reader will
+remember what difficulty I had to make up my mind to become a merchant
+under the Armenian's auspices, even with the prospect of making two or
+three hundred thousand pounds by following the Armenian way of doing
+business, so it was not probable that I should feel disposed to be
+book-keeper or ostler all my life with no other prospect than being able
+to make a tidy sum of money.  If, indeed, besides the prospect of making
+a tidy-sum at the end of perhaps forty years ostlering, I had been
+certain of being presented with a silver currycomb with my name engraved
+upon it, which I might have left to my descendants, or, in default
+thereof, to the parish church destined to contain my bones, with
+directions that it might be soldered into the wall above the arch leading
+from the body of the church into the chancel--I will not say that with
+such a certainty of immortality, combined with such a prospect of
+moderate pecuniary advantage, I might not have thought it worth my while
+to stay, but I entertained no such certainty, and taking everything into
+consideration, I determined to mount my horse and leave the inn.
+
+This horse had caused me for some time past no little perplexity; I had
+frequently repented of having purchased him, more especially as the
+purchase had been made with another person's money, and had more than
+once shown him to people who, I imagined, were likely to purchase him;
+but, though they were profuse in his praise, as people generally are in
+the praise of what they don't intend to purchase, they never made me an
+offer, and now that I had determined to mount on his back and ride away,
+what was I to do with him in the sequel?  I could not maintain him long.
+Suddenly I bethought me of Horncastle, which Francis Ardry had mentioned
+as a place where the horse was likely to find a purchaser, and not having
+determined upon any particular place to which to repair, I thought that I
+could do no better than betake myself to Horncastle in the first
+instance, and there endeavour to dispose of my horse.
+
+On making inquiries with respect to the situation of Horncastle, and the
+time when the fair would be held, I learned that the town was situated in
+Lincolnshire, about a hundred and fifty miles from the inn at which I was
+at present sojourning, and that the fair would be held nominally within
+about a month, but that it was always requisite to be on the spot some
+days before the nominal day of the fair, as all the best horses were
+generally sold before that time, and the people who came to purchase gone
+away with what they had bought.
+
+The people of the inn were very sorry on being informed of my
+determination to depart.  Old Bill told me that he had hoped as how I had
+intended to settle down there, and to take his place as ostler when he
+was fit for no more work, adding, that though I did not know much of the
+business, yet he had no doubt but that I might improve.  My friend the
+postillion was particularly sorry, and taking me with him to the tap-room
+called for two pints of beer, to one of which he treated me; and whilst
+we were drinking told me how particularly sorry he was at the thought of
+my going, but that he hoped I should think better of the matter.  On my
+telling him that I must go, he said that he trusted I should put off my
+departure for three weeks, in order that I might be present at his
+marriage, the banns of which were just about to be published.  He said
+that nothing would give him greater pleasure than to see me dance a
+minuet with his wife after the marriage dinner; but I told him it was
+impossible that I should stay, my affairs imperatively calling me
+elsewhere; and that with respect to my dancing a minuet, such a thing was
+out of the question, as I had never learned to dance.  At which he said
+that he was exceedingly sorry, and finding me determined to go, wished me
+success in all my undertakings.
+
+The master of the house, to whom, as in duty bound, I communicated my
+intention before I spoke of it to the servants, was, I make no doubt,
+very sorry, though he did not exactly tell me so.  What he said was, that
+he had never expected that I should remain long there, as such a
+situation never appeared to him quite suitable to me, though I had been
+very diligent, and had given him perfect satisfaction.  On his inquiring
+when I intended to depart, I informed him next day, whereupon he begged
+that I would defer my departure till the next day but one, and do him the
+favour of dining with him on the morrow.  I informed him that I should be
+only too happy.
+
+On the following day at four o'clock I dined with the landlord, in
+company with a commercial traveller.  The dinner was good, though plain,
+consisting of boiled mackerel--rather a rarity in those parts at that
+time--with fennel sauce, a prime baron of roast beef after the mackerel,
+then a tart and noble Cheshire cheese; we had prime sherry at dinner, and
+whilst eating the cheese prime porter, that of Barclay, the only good
+porter in the world.  After the cloth was removed we had a bottle of very
+good port; and whilst partaking of the port I had an argument with the
+commercial traveller on the subject of the corn-laws.
+
+The commercial traveller, having worsted me in the argument on the
+subject of the corn-laws, got up in great glee, saying that he must order
+his gig, as business must be attended to.  Before leaving the room,
+however, he shook me patronizingly by the hand, and said something to the
+master of the house, but in so low a tone that it escaped my ear.
+
+No sooner had he departed than the master of the house told me that his
+friend the traveller had just said that I was a confounded sensible young
+fellow, and not at all opinionated, a sentiment in which he himself
+perfectly agreed--then hemming once or twice, he said that as I was going
+on a journey he hoped I was tolerably well provided with money, adding
+that travelling was rather expensive, especially on horseback, the manner
+in which he supposed, as I had a horse in the stable, I intended to
+travel.  I told him that though I was not particularly well supplied with
+money, I had sufficient for the expenses of my journey, at the end of
+which I hoped to procure more.  He then hemmed again, and said that since
+I had been at the inn I had rendered him a great deal of service in more
+ways than one, and that he could not think of permitting me to depart
+without making me some remuneration; then putting his hand into his
+waistcoat pocket he handed me a cheque for ten pounds, which he had
+prepared beforehand, the value of which he said I could receive at the
+next town, or that, if I wished it, any waiter in the house would cash it
+for me.  I thanked him for his generosity in the best terms I could
+select, but, handing him back his cheque, I told him that I could not
+accept it, saying that, so far from his being my debtor, I believed
+myself to be indebted to him, as not only myself but my horse had been
+living at his house for several weeks.  He replied that, as for my board
+at a house like his, it amounted to nothing, and as for the little corn
+and hay which the horse had consumed it was of no consequence, and that
+he must insist upon my taking the cheque.  But I again declined, telling
+him that doing so would be a violation of a rule which I had determined
+to follow, and which nothing but the greatest necessity would ever compel
+me to break through--never to incur obligations.  'But,' said he,
+'receiving this money will not be incurring an obligation: it is your
+due.'  'I do not think so,' said I; 'I did not engage to serve you for
+money, nor will I take any from you.'  'Perhaps you will take it as a
+loan?' said he.  'No,' I replied, 'I never borrow.'  'Well,' said the
+landlord, smiling, 'you are different from all others that I am
+acquainted with.  I never yet knew any one else who scrupled to borrow
+and receive obligations.  Why, there are two baronets in this
+neighbourhood who have borrowed money of me, ay, and who have never
+repaid what they borrowed; and there are a dozen squires who are under
+considerable obligations to me, who I dare say will never return them.
+Come, you need not be more scrupulous than your superiors--I mean in
+station.'  'Every vessel must stand on its own bottom,' said I; 'they
+take pleasure in receiving obligations, I take pleasure in being
+independent.  Perhaps they are wise, and I am a fool, I know not, but one
+thing I am certain of, which is, that were I not independent I should be
+very unhappy: I should have no visions then.'  'Have you any relations?'
+said the landlord, looking at me compassionately.  'Excuse me, but I
+don't think you are exactly fit to take care of yourself.'  'There you
+are mistaken,' said I, 'I can take precious good care of myself; ay, and
+can drive a precious hard bargain when I have occasion, but driving
+bargains is a widely different thing from receiving gifts.  I am going to
+take my horse to Horncastle, and when there I shall endeavour to obtain
+his full value--ay, to the last penny.'
+
+'Horncastle!' said the landlord, 'I have heard of that place; you mustn't
+be dreaming visions when you get there, or they'll steal the horse from
+under you.  Well,' said he, rising, 'I shall not press you farther on the
+subject of the cheque.  I intend, however, to put you under an obligation
+to me.'  He then rang the bell, and having ordered two fresh glasses to
+be brought, he went out and presently returned with a small pint bottle,
+which he uncorked with his own hand; then sitting down, he said: 'The
+wine that I bring here, is port of eighteen hundred and eleven, the year
+of the comet, the best vintage on record; the wine which we have been
+drinking,' he added, 'is good, but not to be compared with this, which I
+never sell, and which I am chary of.  When you have drank some of it, I
+think you will own that I have conferred an obligation upon you;' he then
+filled the glasses, the wine which he poured out diffusing an aroma
+through the room; then motioning me to drink, he raised his own glass to
+his lips, saying: 'Come, friend, I drink to your success at Horncastle.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+TRIUMPHAL DEPARTURE--NO SEASON LIKE YOUTH--EXTREME OLD AGE--BEAUTIFUL
+ENGLAND--THE RATCATCHER--A MISADVENTURE
+
+I departed from the inn much in the same fashion as I had come to it,
+mounted on a splendid horse indifferently well caparisoned, with the
+small valise attached to my crupper, in which, besides the few things I
+had brought with me, was a small book of roads with a map, which had been
+presented to me by the landlord.  I must not forget to state that I did
+not ride out of the yard, but that my horse was brought to me at the
+front door by old Bill, who insisted upon doing so, and who refused a
+five-shilling piece which I offered him; and it will be as well to let
+the reader know that the landlord shook me by the hand as I mounted, and
+that the people attached to the inn, male and female--my friend the
+postillion at the head--assembled before the house to see me off, and
+gave me three cheers as I rode away.  Perhaps no person ever departed
+from an inn with more eclat or better wishes; nobody looked at me
+askance, except two stage-coachmen who were loitering about, one of whom
+said to his companion, 'I say, Jim! twig his portmanteau! a regular
+Newmarket turn out by ---!'
+
+It was in the cool of the evening of a bright day--all the days of that
+summer were bright--that I departed.  I felt at first rather melancholy
+at finding myself again launched into the wide world, and leaving the
+friends whom I had lately made behind me; but by occasionally trotting
+the horse, and occasionally singing a song of Romanvile, {182a} I had
+dispelled the feeling of melancholy by the time I had proceeded three
+miles down the main road.  It was at the end of these three miles, just
+opposite a milestone, that I struck into a cross road.  After riding
+about seven miles, threading what are called, in postillion parlance,
+cross-country roads, I reached another high road, tending to the east,
+along which I proceeded for a mile or two, when coming to a small inn,
+about nine o'clock, I halted and put up for the night.
+
+Early on the following morning I proceeded on my journey, but fearing to
+gall the horse, I no longer rode him, but led him by the bridle, until I
+came to a town at the distance of about ten miles from the place where I
+had passed the night.  Here I stayed during the heat of the day, more on
+the horse's account than my own, and towards evening resumed my journey,
+leading the animal by the bridle as before; and in this manner I
+proceeded for several days, travelling on an average from twenty to
+twenty-five miles a day, always leading the animal, except perhaps now
+and then of an evening, when, if I saw a good piece of road before me, I
+would mount and put the horse into a trot, which the creature seemed to
+enjoy as much as myself, showing his satisfaction by snorting and
+neighing, whilst I gave utterance to my own exhilaration by shouts, or by
+'the chi she is kaulo she soves pre lakie dumo,' {182b} or by something
+else of the same kind in Romanvile.
+
+On the whole, I journeyed along very pleasantly, certainly quite as
+pleasantly as I do at present, now that I am become a gentleman, and
+weigh sixteen stone, though some people would say that my present manner
+of travelling is much the most preferable, riding as I now do, instead of
+leading my horse; receiving the homage of ostlers instead of their
+familiar nods; sitting down to dinner in the parlour of the best inn I
+can find, instead of passing the brightest part of the day in the kitchen
+of a village alehouse; carrying on my argument after dinner on the
+subject of the corn-laws, with the best commercial gentlemen on the road,
+instead of being glad, whilst sipping a pint of beer, to get into
+conversation with blind trampers, or maimed Abraham sailors, {183}
+regaling themselves on half-pints at the said village hostelries.  Many
+people will doubtless say that things have altered wonderfully with me
+for the better, and they would say right, provided I possessed now what I
+then carried about with me in my journeys--the spirit of youth.  Youth is
+the only season for enjoyment, and the first twenty-five years of one's
+life are worth all the rest of the longest life of man, even though those
+five-and-twenty be spent in penury and contempt, and the rest in the
+possession of wealth, honours, respectability, ay, and many of them in
+strength and health, such as will enable one to ride forty miles before
+dinner, and over one's pint of port--for the best gentleman in the land
+should not drink a bottle--carry on one's argument, with gravity and
+decorum, with any commercial gentleman who, responsive to one's
+challenge, takes the part of common sense and humanity against
+'protection' and the lord of land.
+
+Ah! there is nothing like youth--not that after-life is valueless.  Even
+in extreme old age one may get on very well, provided we will but accept
+of the bounties of God.  I met the other day an old man, who asked me to
+drink.  'I am not thirsty,' said I, 'and will not drink with you.'  'Yes,
+you will,' said the old man, 'for I am this day one hundred years old;
+and you will never again have an opportunity of drinking the health of a
+man on his hundredth birthday.'  So I broke my word, and drank.  'Yours
+is a wonderful age,' said I.  'It's a long time to look back to the
+beginning of it,' said the old man: 'yet, upon the whole, I am not sorry
+to have lived it all.'  'How have you passed your time?' said I.  'As
+well as I could,' said the old man; 'always enjoying a good thing when it
+came honestly within my reach; not forgetting to praise God for putting
+it there.'  'I suppose you were fond of a glass of good ale when you were
+young?'  'Yes,' said the old man, 'I was; and so, thank God, I am still.'
+And he drank off a glass of ale.
+
+On I went in my journey, traversing England from west to east--ascending
+and descending hills--crossing rivers by bridge and ferry--and passing
+over extensive plains.  What a beautiful country is England!  People run
+abroad to see beautiful countries, and leave their own behind unknown,
+unnoticed--their own the most beautiful!  And then, again, what a country
+for adventures! especially to those who travel it on foot, or on
+horseback.  People run abroad in quest of adventures, and traverse Spain
+and Portugal on mule or on horseback; whereas there are ten times more
+adventures to be met with in England than in Spain, Portugal, or stupid
+Germany to boot.  Witness the number of adventures narrated in the
+present book--a book entirely devoted to England.  Why, there is not a
+chapter in the present book which is not full of adventures, with the
+exception of the present one, and this is not yet terminated.
+
+After traversing two or three counties, I reached the confines of
+Lincolnshire.  During one particularly hot day I put up at a
+public-house, to which, in the evening, came a party of harvesters to
+make merry, who, finding me wandering about the house a stranger, invited
+me to partake of their ale; so I drank with the harvesters, who sang me
+songs about rural life, such as--
+
+    'Sitting in the swale; and listening to the swindle of the flail, as
+    it sounds dub-a-dub on the corn, from the neighbouring barn.'
+
+In requital for which I treated them with a song, not of Romanvile, but
+the song of 'Sivord and the horse Grayman.'  I remained with them till it
+was dark, having, after sunset, entered into deep discourse with a
+celebrated ratcatcher, who communicated to me the secrets of his trade,
+saying, amongst other things, 'When you see the rats pouring out of their
+holes, and running up my hands and arms, it's not after me they comes,
+but after the oils I carries about me they comes;' and who subsequently
+spoke in the most enthusiastic manner of his trade, saying that it was
+the best trade in the world, and most diverting, and that it was likely
+to last for ever; for whereas all other kinds of vermin were fast
+disappearing from England, rats were every day becoming more abundant.  I
+had quitted this good company, and having mounted my horse, was making my
+way towards a town at about six miles' distance, at a swinging trot, my
+thoughts deeply engaged on what I had gathered from the ratcatcher, when
+all on a sudden a light glared upon the horse's face, who purled round in
+great terror, and flung me out of the saddle, as from a sling, or with as
+much violence as the horse Grayman, in the ballad, flings Sivord the
+Snareswayne.  I fell upon the ground--felt a kind of crashing about my
+neck--and forthwith became senseless.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+NOVEL SITUATION--THE ELDERLY INDIVIDUAL--THE SURGEON--A KIND
+OFFER--CHIMERICAL IDEAS--STRANGE DREAM
+
+How long I remained senseless I cannot say; for a considerable time I
+believe; at length, opening my eyes, I found myself lying on a bed in a
+middle-sized chamber, lighted by a candle, which stood on a table; an
+elderly man stood near me, and a yet more elderly female was holding a
+phial of very pungent salts to my olfactory organ.  I attempted to move,
+but felt very stiff--my right arm appeared nearly paralyzed, and there
+was a strange dull sensation in my head.  'You had better remain still,
+young man,' said the elderly individual, 'the surgeon will be here
+presently; I have sent a message for him to the neighbouring village.'
+'Where am I?' said I, 'and what has happened?'  'You are in my house,'
+said the old man, 'and you have been flung from a horse.  I am sorry to
+say that I was the cause.  As I was driving home, the lights in my gig
+frightened the animal.'  'Where is the horse?' said I.  'Below, in my
+stable,' said the elderly individual.  'I saw you fall, but knowing that
+on account of my age I could be of little use to you, I instantly hurried
+home; the accident did not occur more than a furlong off, and procuring
+the assistance of my lad, and two or three neighbouring cottagers, I
+returned to the spot where you were lying senseless.  We raised you up,
+and brought you here.  My lad then went in quest of the horse, who had
+run away as we drew nigh.  When we saw him first, he was standing near
+you; he caught him with some difficulty, and brought him home.  What are
+you about?' said the old man, as I strove to get off the bed.  'I want to
+see the horse,' said I.  'I entreat you to be still,' said the old man;
+'the horse is safe, I assure you.'  'I am thinking about his knees,' said
+I.  'Instead of thinking about your horse's knees,' said the old man, 'be
+thankful that you have not broke your own neck.'  'You do not talk
+wisely,' said I; 'when a man's neck is broke he is provided for; but when
+his horse's knees are broke he is a lost jockey, that is if he has
+nothing but his horse to depend upon.  A pretty figure I should cut at
+Horncastle, mounted on a horse blood-raw at the knees.'  'Oh, you are
+going to Horncastle,' said the old man seriously, 'then I can sympathize
+with you in your anxiety about your horse, being a Lincolnshire man, and
+the son of one who bred horses.  I will myself go down into the stable
+and examine into the condition of your horse, so pray remain quiet till I
+return; it would certainly be a terrible thing to appear at Horncastle on
+a broken-kneed horse.'
+
+He left the room and returned at the end of about ten minutes, followed
+by another person.  'Your horse is safe,' said he, 'and his knees are
+unblemished; not a hair ruffled.  He is a fine animal, and will do credit
+to Horncastle; but here is the surgeon come to examine into your own
+condition.'  The surgeon was a man about thirty-five, thin and rather
+tall; his face was long and pale, and his hair, which was light, was
+carefully combed back as much as possible from his forehead.  He was
+dressed very neatly, and spoke in a very precise tone.  'Allow me to feel
+your pulse, friend?' said he, taking me by the right wrist.  I uttered a
+cry, for at the motion which he caused a thrill of agony darted through
+my arm.  'I hope your arm is not broke, my friend,' said the surgeon;
+'allow me to see.  First of all, we must divest you of this cumbrous
+frock.'
+
+The frock was removed with some difficulty, and then the upper vestments
+of my frame, with more difficulty still.  The surgeon felt my arm, moving
+it up and down, causing me unspeakable pain.  'There is no fracture,'
+said he, at last, 'but a contusion--a violent contusion.  I am told you
+were going to Horncastle: I am afraid you will be hardly able to ride
+your horse thither in time to dispose of him; however, we shall see; your
+arm must be bandaged, friend; after which I will bleed you, and
+administer a composing draught.'
+
+To be short, the surgeon did as he proposed, and when he had administered
+the composing draught, he said, 'Be of good cheer; I should not be
+surprised if you are yet in time for Horncastle.'  He then departed with
+the master of the house, and the woman, leaving me to my repose.  I soon
+began to feel drowsy, and was just composing myself to slumber, lying on
+my back, as the surgeon had advised me, when I heard steps ascending the
+stairs, and in a moment more the surgeon entered again, followed by the
+master of the house.  'I hope we don't disturb you,' said the former; 'my
+reason for returning is to relieve your mind from any anxiety with
+respect to your horse.  I am by no means sure that you will be able,
+owing to your accident, to reach Horncastle in time; to quiet you,
+however, I will buy your horse for any reasonable sum.  I have been down
+to the stable, and approve of his figure.  What do you ask for him?'
+'This is a strange time of night,' said I, 'to come to me about
+purchasing my horse, and I am hardly in a fitting situation to be applied
+to about such a matter.  What do you want him for?'  'For my own use,'
+said the surgeon; 'I am a professional man, and am obliged to be
+continually driving about; I cover at least one hundred and fifty miles
+every week.'  'He will never answer your purpose,' said I; 'he is not a
+driving horse, and was never between shafts in his life; he is for
+riding, more especially for trotting, at which he has few equals.'  'It
+matters not to me whether he is for riding or driving,' said the surgeon;
+'sometimes I ride, sometimes drive; so if we can come to terms, I will
+buy him, though remember it is chiefly to remove any anxiety from your
+mind about him.'  'This is no time for bargaining,' said I, 'if you wish
+to have the horse for a hundred guineas, you may; if not--'  'A hundred
+guineas!' said the surgeon.  'My good friend, you must surely be
+light-headed; allow me to feel your pulse,' and he attempted to feel my
+left wrist.  'I am not light-headed,' said I, 'and I require no one to
+feel my pulse; but I should be light-headed if I were to sell my horse
+for less than I have demanded; but I have a curiosity to know what you
+would be willing to offer.'  'Thirty pounds,' said the surgeon, 'is all I
+can afford to give, and that is a great deal for a country surgeon to
+offer for a horse.'  'Thirty pounds,' said I, 'why he cost me nearly
+double that sum.  To tell you the truth, I am afraid you want to take
+advantage of my situation.'  'Not in the least, friend,' said the
+surgeon--'not in the least; I only wished to set your mind at rest about
+your horse; but as you think he is worth more than I can afford to offer,
+take him to Horncastle by all means; I will do my best to cure you in
+time.  Good night, I will see you again on the morrow.'  Thereupon he
+once more departed with the master of the house.  'A sharp one,' I heard
+him say, with a laugh, as the door closed upon him.
+
+Left to myself, I again essayed to compose myself to rest, but for some
+time in vain.  I had been terribly shaken by my fall, and had
+subsequently, owing to the incision of the surgeon's lancet, been
+deprived of much of the vital fluid; it is when the body is in such a
+state that the merest trifles affect and agitate the mind; no wonder,
+then, that the return of the surgeon and the master of the house for the
+purpose of inquiring whether I would sell my horse, struck me as being
+highly extraordinary, considering the hour of the night, and the
+situation in which they knew me to be.  What could they mean by such
+conduct--did they wish to cheat me of the animal?  'Well, well,' said I,
+'if they did, what matters, they found their match; yes, yes,' said I,
+'but I am in their power, perhaps'--but I instantly dismissed the
+apprehension which came into my mind, with a pooh, nonsense! in a little
+time, however, a far more foolish and chimerical idea began to disturb
+me--the idea of being flung from my horse? was I not disgraced for ever
+as a horseman by being flung from my horse?  Assuredly, I thought; and
+the idea of being disgraced as a horseman, operating on my nervous
+system, caused me very acute misery.  'After all,' said I to myself, 'it
+was perhaps the contemptible opinion which the surgeon must have formed
+of my equestrian powers, which induced him to offer to take my horse off
+my hands; he perhaps thought I was unable to manage a horse, and
+therefore in pity returned in the dead of night to offer to purchase the
+animal which had flung me; and then the thought that the surgeon had
+conceived a contemptible opinion of my equestrian powers, caused me the
+acutest misery, and continued tormenting me until some other idea (I have
+forgot what it was, but doubtless equally foolish) took possession of my
+mind.  At length, brought on by the agitation of my spirits, there came
+over me the same feeling of horror that I had experienced of old when I
+was a boy, and likewise of late within the dingle; it was, however, not
+so violent as it had been on those occasions, and I struggled manfully
+against it, until by degrees it passed away, and then I fell asleep; and
+in my sleep I had an ugly dream.  I dreamt that I had died of the
+injuries I had received from my fall, and that no sooner had my soul
+departed from my body than it entered that of a quadruped, even my own
+horse in the stable--in a word, I was, to all intents and purposes, my
+own steed; and as I stood in the stable chewing hay (and I remember that
+the hay was exceedingly tough), the door opened, and the surgeon who had
+attended me came in.  'My good animal,' said he, 'as your late master has
+scarcely left enough to pay for the expenses of his funeral, and nothing
+to remunerate me for my trouble, I shall make bold to take possession of
+you.  If your paces are good, I shall keep you for my own riding; if not
+I shall take you to Horncastle, your original destination.'  He then
+bridled and saddled me, and, leading me out, mounted, and then trotted me
+up and down before the house, at the door of which the old man, who now
+appeared to be dressed in regular jockey fashion, was standing.  'I like
+his paces well,' said the surgeon; 'I think I shall take him for my own
+use.'  'And what am I to have for all the trouble his master caused me?'
+said my late entertainer, on whose countenance I now observed, for the
+first time, a diabolical squint.  'The consciousness of having done your
+duty to a fellow-creature in succouring him in a time of distress, must
+be your reward,' said the surgeon.  'Pretty gammon, truly,' said my late
+entertainer; 'what would you say if I were to talk in that way to you?
+Come, unless you choose to behave jonnock, {189} I shall take the bridle
+and lead the horse back into the stable.'  'Well,' said the surgeon, 'we
+are old friends, and I don't wish to dispute with you, so I'll tell you
+what I will do; I will ride the animal to Horncastle, and we will share
+what he fetches like brothers.'  'Good,' said the old man, 'but if you
+say that you have sold him for less than a hundred, I shan't consider you
+jonnock; remember what the young fellow said--that young fellow--.'  I
+heard no more, for the next moment I found myself on a broad road
+leading, as I supposed, in the direction of Horncastle, the surgeon still
+in the saddle, and my legs moving at a rapid trot.  'Get on,' said the
+surgeon, jerking my mouth with the bit; whereupon, full of rage, I
+instantly set off at a full gallop, determined, if possible, to dash my
+rider to the earth.  The surgeon, however, kept his seat, and, so far
+from attempting to abate my speed, urged me on to greater efforts with a
+stout stick, which methought he held in his hand.  In vain did I rear and
+kick, attempting to get rid of my foe; but the surgeon remained as
+saddle-fast as ever the Maugrabin sorcerer in the Arabian tale what time
+he rode the young prince transformed into a steed to his enchanted palace
+in the wilderness.  At last, as I was still madly dashing on, panting and
+blowing, and had almost given up all hope, I saw at a distance before me
+a heap of stones by the side of the road, probably placed there for the
+purpose of repairing it; a thought appeared to strike me--I will shy at
+those stones, and if I can't get rid of him so, resign myself to my fate.
+So I increased my speed, till arriving within about ten yards of the
+heap, I made a desperate start, turning half round with nearly the
+velocity of a millstone.  Oh, the joy I experienced when I felt my enemy
+canted over my neck, and saw him lying senseless in the road.  'I have
+you now in my power,' I said, or rather neighed, as, going up to my
+prostrate foe, I stood over him.  'Suppose I were to rear now, and let my
+fore feet fall upon you, what would your life be worth? that is,
+supposing you are not killed already; but lie there, I will do you no
+farther harm, but trot to Horncastle without a rider, and when there--'
+and without further reflection off I trotted in the direction of
+Horncastle, but had not gone far before my bridle, falling from my neck,
+got entangled with my off fore foot.  I felt myself falling, a thrill of
+agony shot through me--my knees would be broken, and what should I do at
+Horncastle with a pair of broken knees?  I struggled, but I could not
+disengage my off fore foot, and downward I fell, but before I had reached
+the ground I awoke, and found myself half out of bed, my bandaged arm in
+considerable pain, and my left hand just touching the floor.
+
+With some difficulty I readjusted myself in bed.  It was now early
+morning, and the first rays of the sun were beginning to penetrate the
+white curtains of a window on my left, which probably looked into a
+garden, as I caught a glimpse or two of the leaves of trees through a
+small uncovered part at the side.  For some time I felt uneasy and
+anxious, my spirits being in a strange fluttering state.  At last my eyes
+fell upon a small row of tea-cups, seemingly of china, which stood on a
+mantelpiece exactly fronting the bottom of the bed.  The sight of these
+objects, I know not why, soothed and pacified me; I kept my eyes fixed
+upon them, as I lay on my back on the bed, with my head upon the pillow,
+till at last I fell into a calm and refreshing sleep.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+THE MORNING AFTER A FALL--THE TEAPOT--UNPRETENDING HOSPITALITY--THE
+CHINESE STUDENT
+
+It might be about eight o'clock in the morning when I was awakened by the
+entrance of the old man.  'How have you rested?' said he, coming up to
+the bedside, and looking me in the face.  'Well,' said I, 'and I feel
+much better, but I am still very sore.'  I surveyed him now for the first
+time with attention.  He was dressed in a sober-coloured suit, and was
+apparently between sixty and seventy.  In stature he was rather above the
+middle height, but with a slight stoop, his features were placid, and
+expressive of much benevolence, but, as it appeared to me, with rather a
+melancholy cast--as I gazed upon them, I felt ashamed that I should ever
+have conceived in my brain a vision like that of the preceding night, in
+which he appeared in so disadvantageous a light.  At length he said, 'It
+is now time for you to take some refreshment.  I hear my old servant
+coming up with your breakfast.'  In a moment the elderly female entered
+with a tray, on which was some bread and butter, a teapot and cup.  The
+cup was of common blue earthenware, but the pot was of china, curiously
+fashioned, and seemingly of great antiquity.  The old man poured me out a
+cupful of tea, and then, with the assistance of the woman, raised me
+higher, and propped me up with pillows.  I ate and drank; when the pot
+was emptied of its liquid (it did not contain much), I raised it up with
+my left hand to inspect it.  The sides were covered with curious
+characters, seemingly hieroglyphics.  After surveying them for some time,
+I replaced it upon the tray.  'You seem fond of china,' said I to the old
+man, after the servant had retired with the breakfast things, and I had
+returned to my former posture; 'you have china on the mantelpiece, and
+that was a remarkable teapot out of which I have just been drinking.'
+
+The old man fixed his eyes intently on me, and methought the expression
+of his countenance became yet more melancholy.  'Yes,' said he, at last,
+'I am fond of china--I have reason to be fond of china--but for china I
+should--' and here he sighed again.
+
+'You value it for the quaintness and singularity of its form,' said I;
+'it appears to be less adapted for real use than our own pottery.'
+
+'I care little about its form,' said the old man; 'I care for it simply
+on account of--However, why talk to you on a subject which can have no
+possible interest for you?  I expect the surgeon here presently.'
+
+'I do not like that surgeon at all,' said I.  'How strangely he behaved
+last night, coming back, when I was just falling asleep, to ask me if I
+would sell my horse.'
+
+The old man smiled.  'He has but one failing,' said he, 'an itch for
+horse-dealing; but for that he might be a much richer man than he is; he
+is continually buying and exchanging horses, and generally finds himself
+a loser by his bargains: but he is a worthy creature, and skilful in his
+profession--it is well for you that you are under his care.'
+
+The old man then left me, and in about an hour returned with the surgeon,
+who examined me and reported favourably as to my case.  He spoke to me
+with kindness and feeling, and did not introduce the subject of the
+horse.  I asked him whether he thought I should be in time for the fair.
+'I saw some people making their way thither to-day,' said he; 'the fair
+lasts three weeks, and it has just commenced.  Yes, I think I may promise
+you that you will be in time for the very heat of it.  In a few days you
+will be able to mount your saddle with your arm in a sling, but you must
+by no means appear with your arm in a sling at Horncastle, as people
+would think your horse had flung you, and that you wanted to dispose of
+him because he was a vicious brute.  You must, by all means, drop the
+sling before you get to Horncastle.'
+
+For three days I kept my apartment by the advice of the surgeon.  I
+passed my time as I best could.  Stretched on my bed, I either abandoned
+myself to reflection, or listened to the voices of the birds in the
+neighbouring garden.  Sometimes, as I lay awake at night, I would
+endeavour to catch the tick of a clock, which methought sounded from some
+distant part of the house.
+
+The old man visited me twice or thrice every day to inquire into my
+state.  His words were few on these occasions, and he did not stay long.
+Yet his voice and his words were kind.  What surprised me most in
+connection with this individual was, the delicacy of conduct which he
+exhibited in not letting a word proceed from his lips which could testify
+curiosity respecting who I was, or whence I came.  All he knew of me was,
+that I had been flung from my horse on my way to a fair for the purpose
+of disposing of the animal; and that I was now his guest.  I might be a
+common horse-dealer for what he knew, yet I was treated by him with all
+the attention which I could have expected had I been an alderman of
+Boston's heir, and known to him as such.  The county in which I am now,
+thought I at last, must be either extraordinarily devoted to hospitality,
+or this old host of mine must be an extraordinary individual.  On the
+evening of the fourth day, feeling tired of my confinement, I put my
+clothes on in the best manner I could, and left the chamber.  Descending
+a flight of stairs, I reached a kind of quadrangle, from which branched
+two or three passages; one of these I entered, which had a door at the
+farther end, and one on each side; the one to the left standing partly
+open, I entered it, and found myself in a middle-sized room with a large
+window, or rather glass-door, which looked into a garden, and which stood
+open.  There was nothing remarkable in this room, except a large quantity
+of china.  There was china on the mantelpiece--china on two tables, and a
+small beaufet, which stood opposite the glass-door, was covered with
+china--there were cups, teapots, and vases of various forms, and on all
+of them I observed characters--not a teapot, not a teacup, not a vase of
+whatever form or size, but appeared to possess hieroglyphics on some part
+or other.  After surveying these articles for some time with no little
+interest, I passed into the garden, in which there were small parterres
+of flowers, and two or three trees, and which, where the house did not
+abut, was bounded by a wall.  Turning to the right by a walk by the side
+of the house, I passed by a door--probably the one I had seen at the end
+of the passage--and arrived at another window similar to that through
+which I had come, and which also stood open.  I was about to pass by it,
+when I heard the voice of my entertainer exclaiming, 'Is that you?  Pray
+come in.'
+
+I entered the room, which seemed to be a counterpart of the one which I
+had just left.  It was of the same size, had the same kind of furniture,
+and appeared to be equally well stocked with china; one prominent article
+it possessed, however, which the other room did not exhibit--namely, a
+clock, which, with its pendulum moving tick-a-tick, hung against the wall
+opposite to the door, the sight of which made me conclude that the sound
+which methought I had heard in the stillness of the night was not an
+imaginary one.  There it hung on the wall, with its pendulum moving
+tick-a-tick.  The old gentleman was seated in an easy chair a little way
+into the room, having the glass door on his right hand.  On a table
+before him lay a large open volume, in which I observed Roman letters as
+well as characters.  A few inches beyond the book on the table, covered
+all over with hieroglyphics, stood a china vase.  The eyes of the old man
+were fixed upon it.
+
+'Sit down,' said he, motioning me with his hand to a stool close by, but
+without taking his eyes from the vase.  'I can't make it out,' said he,
+at last, removing his eyes from the vase, and leaning back on the
+chair--'I can't make it out.'
+
+'I wish I could assist you,' said I.
+
+'Assist me,' said the old man, looking at me, with a half smile.
+
+'Yes,' said I, 'but I don't understand Chinese.'
+
+'I suppose not,' said the old man, with another slight smile;
+'but--but--'
+
+'Pray proceed,' said I.
+
+'I wished to ask you,' said the old man, 'how you knew that the
+characters on yon piece of crockery were Chinese; or, indeed, that there
+was such a language?'
+
+'I knew the crockery was china,' said I, 'and naturally enough supposed
+what was written upon it to be Chinese; as for there being such a
+language--the English have a language, the French have a language, and
+why not the Chinese?'
+
+'May I ask you a question?'
+
+'As many as you like.'
+
+'Do you know any language besides English?'
+
+'Yes,' said I, 'I know a little of two or three.'
+
+'May I ask their names?'
+
+'Why not?' said I.  'I know a little French.'
+
+'Anything else?'
+
+'Yes, a little Welsh, and a little Haik.'
+
+'What is Haik?'
+
+'Armenian.'
+
+'I am glad to see you in my house,' said the old man, shaking me by the
+hand; 'how singular that one coming as you did should know Armenian!'
+
+'Not more singular,' said I, 'than that one living in such a place as
+this should know Chinese.  How came you to acquire it?'
+
+The old man looked at me, and sighed.  'I beg pardon,' said I, 'for
+asking what is, perhaps, an impertinent question; I have not imitated
+your own delicacy; you have never asked me a question without first
+desiring permission, and here I have been days and nights in your house
+an intruder on your hospitality, and you have never so much as asked me
+who I am.'
+
+'In forbearing to do that,' said the old man, 'I merely obeyed the
+Chinese precept: "Ask no questions of a guest;" it is written on both
+sides of the teapot out of which you have had your tea.'
+
+'I wish I knew Chinese,' said I.  'Is it a difficult language to
+acquire?'
+
+'I have reason to think so,' said the old man.  'I have been occupied
+upon it five-and-thirty years, and I am still very imperfectly acquainted
+with it; at least, I frequently find upon my crockery sentences the
+meaning of which to me is very dark, though it is true these sentences
+are mostly verses, which are, of course, more difficult to understand
+than mere prose.'
+
+'Are your Chinese studies,' said I, 'confined to crockery literature?'
+
+'Entirely,' said the old man; 'I read nothing else.'
+
+'I have heard,' said I, 'that the Chinese have no letters, but that for
+every word they have a separate character--is it so?'
+
+'For every word they have a particular character,' said the old man;
+'though, to prevent confusion, they have arranged their words under two
+hundred and fourteen what we should call radicals, but which they call
+keys.  As we arrange all our words in a dictionary under twenty-four
+letters, so do they arrange all their words, or characters, under two
+hundred and fourteen radical signs; the simplest radicals being the first
+and the more complex the last.'
+
+'Does the Chinese resemble any of the European languages in words?' said
+I.
+
+'I am scarcely competent to inform you,' said the old man; 'but I believe
+not.'
+
+'What does that character represent?' said I, pointing to one on the
+vase.
+
+'A knife,' said the old man; 'that character is one of the simplest
+radicals or keys.'
+
+'And what is the sound of it?' said I.
+
+'Tau,' said the old man.
+
+'Tau!' said I--'tau!'
+
+'A strange word for a knife! is it not?' said the old man.
+
+'Tawse!' said I--'tawse!'
+
+'What is tawse?' said the old man.
+
+'You were never at school at Edinburgh, I suppose?'
+
+'Never,' said the old man.
+
+'That accounts for your not knowing the meaning of tawse,' said I; 'had
+you received the rudiments of a classical education at the High School,
+you would have known the meaning of tawse full well.  It is a leathern
+thong, with which refractory urchins are recalled to a sense of their
+duty by the dominie.  Tau--tawse--how singular!'
+
+'I cannot see what the two words have in common, except a slight
+agreement in sound.'
+
+'You will see the connection,' said I, 'when I inform you that the thong,
+from the middle to the bottom, is cut or slit into two or three parts,
+from which slits or cuts, unless I am very much mistaken, it derives its
+name--tawse, a thong with slits or cuts, used for chastising disorderly
+urchins at the High School, from the French tailler, to cut; evidently
+connected with the Chinese tau, a knife--how very extraordinary!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+CONVALESCENCE--THE SURGEON'S BILL--LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION--COMMENCEMENT
+OF THE OLD MAN'S HISTORY
+
+Two days--three days passed away--and I still remained at the house of my
+hospitable entertainer: my bruised limb rapidly recovering the power of
+performing its functions.  I passed my time agreeably enough, sometimes
+in my chamber, communing with my own thoughts; sometimes in the stable,
+attending to, and not unfrequently conversing with, my horse; and at
+mealtime--for I seldom saw him at any other--discoursing with the old
+gentleman, sometimes on the Chinese vocabulary, sometimes on Chinese
+syntax, and once or twice on English horseflesh; though on this latter
+subject, notwithstanding his descent from a race of horse traders, he did
+not enter with much alacrity.  As a small requital for his kindness, I
+gave him one day, after dinner, unasked, a brief account of my history
+and pursuits.  He listened with attention; and when it was concluded,
+thanked me for the confidence which I had reposed in him.  'Such
+conduct,' said he, 'deserves a return.  I will tell you my own history:
+it is brief, but may perhaps not prove uninteresting to you--though the
+relation of it will give me some pain.'  'Pray, then, do not recite it,'
+said I.  'Yes,' said the old man, 'I will tell you, for I wish you to
+know it.'  He was about to begin when he was interrupted by the arrival
+of the surgeon.  The surgeon examined into the state of my bruised limb,
+and told me, what indeed I already well knew, that it was rapidly
+improving.  'You will not even require a sling,' said he, 'to ride to
+Horncastle.  When do you propose going?' he demanded.  'When do you think
+I may venture?' I replied.  'I think, if you are a tolerably good
+horseman, you may mount the day after to-morrow,' answered the medical
+man.  'By-the-by, are you acquainted with anybody at Horncastle?'  'With
+no living soul,' I answered.  'Then you would scarcely find stable room
+for your horse.  But I am happy to be able to assist you.  I have a
+friend there who keeps a small inn, and who, during the time of the fair,
+keeps a stall vacant for any quadruped I may bring, until he knows
+whether I am coming or not.  I will give you a letter to him, and he will
+see after the accommodation of your horse.  To-morrow I will pay you a
+farewell visit, and bring you the letter.'  'Thank you,' said I; 'and do
+not forget to bring your bill.'  The surgeon looked at the old man, who
+gave him a peculiar nod.  'Oh!' said he, in reply to me, 'for the little
+service I have rendered you I require no remuneration.  You are in my
+friend's house, and he and I understand each other.'  'I never receive
+such favours,' said I, 'as you have rendered me, without remunerating
+them; therefore I shall expect your bill.'  'Oh! just as you please,'
+said the surgeon; and, shaking me by the hand more warmly than he had
+hitherto done, he took his leave.
+
+On the evening of the next day, the last which I spent with my kind
+entertainer, I sat at tea with him in a little summer-house in his
+garden, partially shaded by the boughs of a large fig-tree.  The surgeon
+had shortly before paid me his farewell visit, and had brought me the
+letter of introduction to his friend at Horncastle, and also his bill,
+which I found anything but extravagant.  After we had each respectively
+drank the contents of two cups--and it may not be amiss here to inform
+the reader that though I took cream with my tea, as I always do when I
+can procure that addition, the old man, like most people bred up in the
+country drank his without it--he thus addressed me: 'I am, as I told you
+on the night of your accident, the son of a breeder of horses, a
+respectable and honest man.  When I was about twenty he died, leaving me,
+his only child, a comfortable property, consisting of about two hundred
+acres of land and some fifteen hundred pounds in money.  My mother had
+died about three years previously.  I felt the death of my mother keenly,
+but that of my father less than was my duty; indeed, truth compels me to
+acknowledge that I scarcely regretted his death.  The cause of this want
+of proper filial feeling was the opposition which I had experienced from
+him in an affair which deeply concerned me.  I had formed an attachment
+for a young female in the neighbourhood, who, though poor, was of highly
+respectable birth, her father having been a curate of the Established
+Church.  She was, at the time of which I am speaking, an orphan, having
+lost both her parents, and supported herself by keeping a small school.
+My attachment was returned, and we had pledged our vows, but my father,
+who could not reconcile himself to her lack of fortune, forbade our
+marriage in the most positive terms.  He was wrong, for she was a fortune
+in herself--amiable and accomplished.  Oh!  I cannot tell you all she
+was'--and here the old man drew his hand across his eyes.  'By the death
+of my father, the only obstacle to our happiness appeared to be removed.
+We agreed, therefore, that our marriage should take place within the
+course of a year; and I forthwith commenced enlarging my house and
+getting my affairs in order.  Having been left in the easy circumstances
+which I have described, I determined to follow no business, but to pass
+my life in a strictly domestic manner, and to be very, very happy.
+Amongst other property derived from my father were several horses, which
+I disposed of in this neighbourhood, with the exception of two remarkably
+fine ones, which I determined to take to the next fair at Horncastle, the
+only place where I expected to be able to obtain what I considered to be
+their full value.  At length the time arrived for the commencement of the
+fair, which was within three months of the period which my beloved and
+myself had fixed upon for the celebration of our nuptials.  To the fair I
+went, a couple of trusty men following me with the horses.  I soon found
+a purchaser for the animals, a portly, plausible person {199} of about
+forty, dressed in a blue riding coat, brown top boots, and leather
+breeches.  There was a strange-looking urchin with him, attired in nearly
+similar fashion, with a beam in one of his eyes, who called him father.
+The man paid me for the purchase in bank-notes--three fifty-pound notes
+for the two horses.  As we were about to take leave of each other, he
+suddenly produced another fifty-pound note, inquiring whether I could
+change it, complaining at the same time of the difficulty of procuring
+change in the fair.  As I happened to have plenty of small money in my
+possession, and as I felt obliged to him for having purchased my horses
+at what I considered to be a good price, I informed him that I should be
+very happy to accommodate him; so I changed him the note, and he, having
+taken possession of the horses, went his way, and I myself returned home.
+
+'A month passed; during this time I paid away two of the notes which I
+had received at Horncastle from the dealer--one of them in my immediate
+neighbourhood, and the other at a town about fifteen miles distant, to
+which I had repaired for the purpose of purchasing some furniture.  All
+things seemed to be going on most prosperously, and I felt quite happy,
+when one morning, as I was overlooking some workmen who were employed
+about my house, I was accosted by a constable, who informed me that he
+was sent to request my immediate appearance before a neighbouring bench
+of magistrates.  Concluding that I was merely summoned on some
+unimportant business connected with the neighbourhood, I felt no
+surprise, and forthwith departed in company with the officer.  The
+demeanour of the man upon the way struck me as somewhat singular.  I had
+frequently spoken to him before, and had always found him civil and
+respectful, but he was now reserved and sullen, and replied to two or
+three questions which I put to him in anything but a courteous manner.
+On arriving at the place where the magistrates were sitting--an inn at a
+small town about two miles distant--I found a more than usual number of
+people assembled, who appeared to be conversing with considerable
+eagerness.  At sight of me they became silent, but crowded after me as I
+followed the man into the magistrates' room.  There I found the tradesman
+to whom I had paid the note for the furniture, at the town fifteen miles
+off, in attendance, accompanied by an agent of the Bank of England; the
+former, it seems, had paid the note into a provincial bank, the
+proprietors of which, discovering it to be a forgery, had forthwith
+written up to the Bank of England, who had sent down their agent to
+investigate the matter.  A third individual stood beside them--the person
+in my own immediate neighbourhood to whom I had paid the second note;
+this, by some means or other, before the coming down of the agent, had
+found its way to the same provincial bank, and also being pronounced a
+forgery, it had speedily been traced to the person to whom I had paid it.
+It was owing to the apparition of this second note that the agent had
+determined, without further inquiry, to cause me to be summoned before
+the rural tribunal.
+
+'In a few words the magistrates' clerk gave me to understand the state of
+the case.  I was filled with surprise and consternation.  I knew myself
+to be perfectly innocent of any fraudulent intention, but at the time of
+which I am speaking it was a matter fraught with the greatest danger to
+be mixed up, however innocently, with the passing of false money.  The
+law with respect to forgery was terribly severe, and the innocent as well
+as the guily occasionally suffered.  Of this I was not altogether
+ignorant; unfortunately, however, in my transactions with the stranger,
+the idea of false notes being offered to me, and my being brought into
+trouble by means of them, never entered my mind.  Recovering myself a
+little, I stated that the notes in question were two of three notes which
+I had received at Horncastle, for a pair of horses, which it was well
+known I had carried thither.
+
+'Thereupon, I produced from my pocket-book the third note, which was
+forthwith pronounced a forgery.  I had scarcely produced the third note,
+when I remembered the one which I had changed for the Horncastle dealer,
+and with the remembrance came the almost certain conviction that it was
+also a forgery; I was tempted for a moment to produce it, and to explain
+the circumstances--would to God I had done so!--but shame at the idea of
+having been so wretchedly duped prevented me, and the opportunity was
+lost.  I must confess that the agent of the bank behaved, upon the whole,
+in a very handsome manner; he said that as it was quite evident that I
+had disposed of certain horses at the fair, it was very possible that I
+might have received the notes in question in exchange for them, and that
+he was willing, as he had received a very excellent account of my general
+conduct, to press the matter no farther--that is, provided--.  And here
+he stopped.  Thereupon, one of the three magistrates, who were present,
+asked me whether I chanced to have any more of these spurious notes in my
+possession.  He had certainly a right to ask the question, but there was
+something peculiar in his tone--insinuating suspicion.  It is certainly
+difficult to judge of the motives which rule a person's conduct, but I
+cannot help imagining that he was somewhat influenced in his behaviour on
+that occasion, which was anything but friendly, by my having refused to
+sell him the horses at a price less than that which I expected to get at
+the fair; be this as it may, the question filled me with embarrassment,
+and I bitterly repented not having at first been more explicit.
+Thereupon the magistrate, in the same kind of tone, demanded to see my
+pocket-book.  I knew that to demur would be useless, and produced it, and
+forthwith amongst two or three small country notes, appeared the fourth
+which I had received from the Horncastle dealer.  The agent, took it up
+and examined it with attention.  "Well, is it a genuine note," said the
+magistrate?  "I am sorry to say that it is not," said the agent; "it is a
+forgery, like the other three."  The magistrate shrugged his shoulders,
+as indeed did several people in the room.  "A regular dealer in forged
+notes," said a person close behind me; "who would have thought it?"
+
+'Seeing matters begin to look so serious, I aroused myself, and
+endeavoured to speak in my own behalf, giving a candid account of the
+manner in which I became possessed of the notes; but my explanation did
+not appear to meet much credit: the magistrate, to whom I have in
+particular alluded, asked, why I had not at once stated the fact of my
+having received a fourth note; and the agent, though in a very quiet
+tone, observed that he could not help thinking it somewhat strange that I
+should have changed a note of so much value for a perfect stranger, even
+supposing that he had purchased my horses, and had paid me their value in
+hard cash; and I noticed that he laid a particular emphasis on the last
+words.  I might have observed that I was an inexperienced young man, who
+meaning no harm myself, suspected none in others, but I was confused,
+stunned, and my tongue seemed to cleave to the roof of my mouth.  The men
+who had taken my horses to Horncastle, and for whom I had sent, as they
+lived close at hand, now arrived, but the evidence which they could give
+was anything but conclusive in my favour; they had seen me in company
+with an individual at Horncastle, to whom by my orders they had delivered
+certain horses, but they had seen no part of the money transaction; the
+fellow, whether from design or not, having taken me aside into a retired
+place, where he had paid me the three spurious notes, and induced me to
+change the fourth, which throughout the affair was what bore most
+materially against me.  How matters might have terminated I do not know,
+I might have been committed to prison, and I might have been--.  Just
+then, when I most needed a friend, and least expected to find one, for
+though amongst those present there were several who were my neighbours,
+and who had professed friendship for me, none of them when they saw that
+I needed support and encouragement came forward to yield me any, but, on
+the contrary, appeared by their looks to enjoy my terror and
+confusion--just then a friend entered the room in the person of the
+surgeon of the neighbourhood, the father of him who has attended you; he
+was not on very intimate terms with me, but he had occasionally spoken to
+me, and had attended my father in his dying illness, and chancing to hear
+that I was in trouble, he now hastened to assist me.  After a short
+preamble, in which he apologized to the bench for interfering, he begged
+to be informed of the state of the case, whereupon the matter was laid
+before him in all its details.  He was not slow in taking a fair view of
+it, and spoke well and eloquently in my behalf--insisting on the
+improbability that a person of my habits and position would be wilfully
+mixed up with a transaction like that of which it appeared I was
+suspected--adding, that as he was fully convinced of my innocence, he was
+ready to enter into any surety with respect to my appearance at any time
+to answer anything which might be laid to my charge.  This last
+observation had particular effect, and as he was a person universally
+respected, both for his skill in his profession and his general
+demeanour, people began to think that a person in whom he took an
+interest could scarcely be concerned in anything criminal, and though my
+friend the magistrate--I call him so ironically--made two or three
+demurs, it was at last agreed between him and his brethren of the bench,
+that, for the present, I should be merely called upon to enter into my
+own recognizance for the sum of two hundred pounds, to appear whenever it
+should be deemed requisite to enter into any farther investigation of the
+matter.
+
+'So I was permitted to depart from the tribunal of petty justice without
+handcuffs, and uncollared by a constable; but people looked coldly and
+suspiciously upon me.  The first thing I did was to hasten to the house
+of my beloved, in order to inform her of every circumstance attending the
+transaction.  I found her, but how?  A malicious female individual had
+hurried to her with a distorted tale, to the effect that I had been taken
+up as an utterer of forged notes; that an immense number had been found
+in my possession; that I was already committed, and that probably I
+should be executed.  My affianced one tenderly loved me, and her
+constitution was delicate; fit succeeded fit, she broke a blood-vessel,
+and I found her deluged in blood; the surgeon had just been sent for; he
+came and afforded her every possible relief.  I was distracted; he bade
+me have hope, but I observed he looked very grave.
+
+'By the skill of the surgeon, the poor girl was saved in the first
+instance from the arms of death, and for a few weeks she appeared to be
+rapidly recovering; by degrees, however, she became melancholy; a worm
+preyed upon her spirit; a slow fever took possession of her frame.  I
+subsequently learned that the same malicious female, who had first
+carried to her an exaggerated account of the affair, and who was a
+distant relative of her own, frequently visited her, and did all in her
+power to excite her fears with respect to its eventual termination.  Time
+passed on in a very wretched manner.  Our friend the surgeon showing to
+us both every mark of kindness and attention.
+
+'It was owing to this excellent man that my innocence was eventually
+established.  Having been called to a town on the borders of Yorkshire to
+a medical consultation, he chanced to be taking a glass of wine with the
+landlord of the inn at which he stopped, when the waiter brought in a
+note to be changed, saying, "That the Quaker gentleman who had been for
+some days in the house, and was about to depart, had sent it to be
+changed, in order that he might pay his bill."  The landlord took the
+note and looked at it.  "A fifty-pound bill," said he; "I don't like
+changing bills of that amount, lest they should prove bad ones; however,
+as it comes from a Quaker gentleman, I suppose it is all right."  The
+mention of a fifty-pound note aroused the attention of my friend, and he
+requested to be permitted to look at it; he had scarcely seen it, when he
+was convinced that it was one of the same description as those which had
+brought me into trouble, as it corresponded with them in two particular
+features, which the agent of the bank had pointed out to him and others
+as evidence of their spuriousness.  My friend, without a moment's
+hesitation, informed the landlord that the note was a bad one, expressing
+at the time a great wish to see the Quaker gentleman who wanted to have
+it changed.  "That you can easily do," said the landlord, and forthwith
+conducted him into the common room, where he saw a respectable-looking
+man, dressed like a Quaker, and seemingly about sixty years of age.
+
+'My friend, after a short apology, showed him the note which he held in
+his hand, stating that he had no doubt it was a spurious one, and begged
+to be informed where he had taken it, adding, that a particular friend of
+his was at present in trouble, owing to his having taken similar notes
+from a stranger at Horncastle; but that he hoped that he, the Quaker,
+could give information, by means of which the guilty party, or parties,
+could be arrested.  At the mention of Horncastle, it appeared to my
+friend that the Quaker gave a slight start.  At the conclusion of this
+speech, however, he answered, with great tranquillity, that he had
+received it in the way of business at ---, naming one of the principal
+towns in Yorkshire, from a very respectable person, whose name he was
+perfectly willing to communicate, and likewise his own, which he said was
+James, and that he was a merchant residing at Liverpool; that he would
+write to his friend at ---, requesting him to make inquiries on the
+subject; that just at that moment he was in a hurry to depart, having
+some particular business at a town about ten miles off, to go to which he
+had bespoken a post-chaise of the landlord; that with respect to the
+note, it was doubtless a very disagreeable thing to have a suspicious one
+in his possession, but that it would make little difference to him, as he
+had plenty of other money, and thereupon he pulled out a purse,
+containing various other notes, and some gold, observing, "that his only
+motive for wishing to change the other note was a desire to be well
+provided with change;" and finally, that if they had any suspicion with
+respect to him, he was perfectly willing to leave the note in their
+possession till he should return, which he intended to do in about a
+fortnight.  There was so much plausibility in the speech of the Quaker,
+and his appearance and behaviour were so perfectly respectable, that my
+friend felt almost ashamed of the suspicion which at first he had
+entertained of him, though, at the same time, he felt an unaccountable
+unwillingness to let the man depart without some farther interrogation.
+The landlord, however, who did not wish to disoblige one who had been,
+and might probably be again, a profitable customer, declared that he was
+perfectly satisfied; that he had no wish to detain the note, which he
+made no doubt the gentleman had received in the way of business, and that
+as the matter concerned him alone, he would leave it to him to make the
+necessary inquiries.  "Just as you please, friend," said the Quaker,
+pocketing the suspicious note, "I will now pay my bill."  Thereupon he
+discharged the bill with a five-pound note, which he begged the landlord
+to inspect carefully, and with two pieces of gold.
+
+'The landlord had just taken the money, receipted the bill, and was
+bowing to his customer, when the door opened, and a lad, dressed in a
+kind of grey livery, appeared, and informed the Quaker that the chaise
+was ready.  "Is that boy your servant?" asked the surgeon.  "He is,
+friend," said the Quaker.  "Hast thou any reason for asking me that
+question?"  "And has he been long in your service?"  "Several years,"
+replied the Quaker.  "I took him into my house out of compassion, he
+being an orphan, but as the chaise is waiting, I will bid thee farewell."
+"I am afraid I must stop your journey for the present," said the surgeon;
+"that boy has exactly the same blemish in the eye which a boy had who was
+in company with the man at Horncastle, from whom my friend received the
+forged notes, and who there passed for his son."  "I know nothing about
+that," said the Quaker, "but I am determined to be detained here no
+longer, after the satisfactory account which I have given as to the
+note's coming into my possession."  He then attempted to leave the room,
+but my friend detained him, a struggle ensued, during which a wig which
+the Quaker wore fell off, whereupon he instantly appeared to lose some
+twenty years of his age.  "Knock the fellow down, father," said the boy,
+"I'll help you."
+
+'And, forsooth, the pretended Quaker took the boy's advice, and knocked
+my friend down in a twinkling.  The landlord, however, and waiter, seeing
+how matters stood, instantly laid hold of him; but there can be no doubt
+that he would have escaped from the whole three had not certain guests
+who were in the house, hearing the noise, rushed in, and helped to secure
+him.  The boy was true to his word, assisting him to the best of his
+ability, flinging himself between the legs of his father's assailants,
+causing several of them to stumble and fall.  At length, the fellow was
+secured, and led before a magistrate; the boy, to whom he was heard to
+say something which nobody understood, and to whom, after the man's
+capture, no one paid much attention, was no more seen.
+
+'The rest, as far as this man was concerned, may be told in a few words;
+nothing to criminate him was found on his person, but on his baggage
+being examined, a quantity of spurious notes were discovered.  Much of
+his hardihood now forsook him, and in the hope of saving his life he made
+some very important disclosures; amongst other things, he confessed that
+it was he who had given me the notes in exchange for the horses, and also
+the note to be changed.  He was subsequently tried on two indictments, in
+the second of which I appeared against him.  He was condemned to die;
+but, in consideration of the disclosures he had made, his sentence was
+commuted to perpetual transportation.
+
+'My innocence was thus perfectly established before the eyes of the
+world, and all my friends hastened to congratulate me.  There was one who
+congratulated me more than all the rest--it was my beloved one,
+but--but--she was dying--'
+
+Here the old man drew his hand before his eyes and remained for some time
+without speaking; at length he removed his hand, and commenced again with
+a broken voice: 'You will pardon me if I hurry over this part of my
+story; I am unable to dwell upon it.  How dwell upon a period when I saw
+my only earthly treasure pine away gradually day by day, and knew that
+nothing could save her!  She saw my agony, and did all she could to
+console me, saying that she was herself quite resigned.  A little time
+before her death she expressed a wish that we should be united.  I was
+too happy to comply with her request.  We were united, I brought her to
+this house, where, in less than a week, she expired in my arms.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+
+THE OLD MAN'S STORY CONTINUED--MISERY IN THE HEAD--THE STRANGE
+MARKS--TEA-DEALER FROM LONDON--DIFFICULTIES OF THE CHINESE LANGUAGE
+
+After another pause the old man once more resumed his narration: 'If ever
+there was a man perfectly miserable it was myself, after the loss of that
+cherished woman.  I sat solitary in the house, in which I had hoped in
+her company to realize the choicest earthly happiness, a prey to the
+bitterest reflections; many people visited and endeavoured to console
+me--amongst them was the clergyman of the parish, who begged me to be
+resigned, and told me that it was good to be afflicted.  I bowed my head,
+but I could not help thinking how easy it must be for those who feel no
+affliction, to bid others to be resigned, and to talk of the benefit
+resulting from sorrow; perhaps I should have paid more attention to his
+discourse than I did, provided he had been a person for whom it was
+possible to entertain much respect, but his own heart was known to be set
+on the things of this world.
+
+'Within a little time he had an opportunity, in his own case, of
+practising resignation, and of realizing the benefit of being afflicted.
+A merchant, to whom he had entrusted all his fortune, in the hope of a
+large interest, became suddenly a bankrupt, with scarcely any assets.  I
+will not say that it was owing to this misfortune that the divine died
+within less than a month after its occurrence, but such was the fact.
+Amongst those who most frequently visited me was my friend the surgeon;
+he did not confine himself to the common topics of consolation, but
+endeavoured to impress upon me the necessity of rousing myself, advising
+me to occupy my mind with some pursuit, particularly recommending
+agriculture; but agriculture possessed no interest for me, nor, indeed,
+any pursuit within my reach; my hopes of happiness had been blighted, and
+what cared I for anything; so at last he thought it best to leave me to
+myself, hoping that time would bring with it consolation; and I remained
+solitary in my house, waited upon by a male and a female servant.  Oh,
+what dreary moments I passed!  My only amusement--and it was a sad
+one--was to look at the things which once belonged to my beloved, and
+which were now in my possession.  Oh, how fondly would I dwell upon them!
+There were some books; I cared not for books, but these had belonged to
+my beloved.  Oh, how fondly did I dwell on them!  Then there was her hat
+and bonnet--oh, me, how fondly did I gaze upon them! and after looking at
+her things for hours, I would sit and ruminate on the happiness I had
+lost.  How I execrated the moment I had gone to the fair to sell horses!
+"Would that I had never been at Horncastle to sell horses!" I would say;
+"I might at this moment have been enjoying the company of my beloved,
+leading a happy, quiet, easy life, but for that fatal expedition."  That
+thought worked on my brain, till my brain seemed to turn round.
+
+'One day I sat at the breakfast table gazing vacantly around me, my mind
+was in a state of inexpressible misery; there was a whirl in my brain,
+probably like that which people feel who are rapidly going mad; this
+increased to such a degree that I felt giddiness coming upon me.  To
+abate this feeling I no longer permitted my eyes to wander about, but
+fixed them upon an object on the table, and continued gazing at it for
+several minutes without knowing what it was.  At length the misery in my
+head was somewhat stilled, my lips moved, and I heard myself saying,
+"What odd marks!"  I had fastened my eyes on the side of a teapot, and by
+keeping them fixed upon it, had become aware of a fact that had escaped
+my notice before--namely, that there were marks upon it.  I kept my eyes
+fixed upon them, and repeated at intervals, "What strange marks!"--for I
+thought that looking upon the marks tended to abate the whirl in my head.
+I kept tracing the marks one after the other, and I observed that though
+they all bore a resemblance to each other, they were all to a certain
+extent different.  The smallest portion possible of curious interest had
+been awakened within me, and, at last, I asked myself within my own mind,
+"What motive could induce people to put such odd marks on their crockery?
+They were not pictures, they were not letters.  What motive could people
+have for putting them there?"  At last I removed my eyes from the teapot,
+and thought for a few moments about the marks; presently, however, I felt
+the whirl returning; the marks became almost effaced from my mind, and I
+was beginning to revert to my miserable ruminations, when suddenly
+methought I heard a voice say, "The marks! the marks! cling to the marks!
+or--"  So I fixed my eyes again upon the marks, inspecting them more
+attentively, if possible, than I had done before, and, at last, I came to
+the conclusion that they were not capricious or fanciful marks, but were
+arranged systematically.  When I had gazed at them for a considerable
+time I turned the teapot round, and on the other side I observed marks of
+a similar kind, which I soon discovered were identical with the ones I
+had been observing.  All the marks were something alike, but all somewhat
+different, and on comparing them with each other, I was struck with the
+frequent occurrence of a mark crossing an upright line, or projecting
+from it, now on the right, now on the left side, and I said to myself,
+"Why does this mark sometimes cross the upright line, and sometimes
+project?" and the more I thought on the matter the less did I feel of the
+misery in my head.
+
+'The things were at length removed, and I sat, as I had for some time
+past been wont to sit after my meals, silent and motionless; but in the
+present instance my mind was not entirely abandoned to the one mournful
+idea which had so long distressed it.  It was, to a certain extent,
+occupied with the marks on the teapot; it is true that the mournful idea
+strove hard with the marks on the teapot for the mastery in my mind, and
+at last the painful idea drove the marks of the teapot out.  They,
+however, would occasionally return and flit across my mind for a moment
+or two, and their coming was like a momentary relief from intense pain.
+I thought once or twice that I would have the teapot placed before me,
+that I might examine the marks at leisure, but I considered that it would
+be as well to defer the re-examination of the marks till the next
+morning.  At that time I did not take tea of an evening.  By deferring
+the examination thus, I had something to look forward to on the next
+morning.  The day was a melancholy one, but it certainly was more
+tolerable to me than any of the others had been since the death of my
+beloved.  As I lay awake that night I occasionally thought of the marks,
+and in my sleep methought I saw them upon the teapot vividly before me.
+On the morrow I examined the marks again.  How singular they looked!
+Surely they must mean something, and if so, what could they mean? and at
+last I thought within myself whether it would be possible for me to make
+out what they meant.  That day I felt more relief than on the preceding
+day, and towards night I walked a little about.
+
+'In about a week's time I received a visit from my friend the surgeon.
+After a little discourse, he told me that he perceived I was better than
+when he had last seen me, and asked me what I had been about.  I told him
+that I had been principally occupied in considering certain marks which I
+had found on a teapot, and wondering what they could mean.  He smiled at
+first, but instantly assuming a serious look, he asked to see the teapot.
+I produced it, and after having surveyed the marks with attention, he
+observed that they were highly curious, and also wondered what they
+meant.  "I strongly advise you," said he, "to attempt to make them out,
+and also to take moderate exercise, and to see after your concerns."  I
+followed his advice.  Every morning I studied the marks on the teapot,
+and in the course of the day took moderate exercise, and attended to
+little domestic matters, as became the master of a house.
+
+'I subsequently learned that the surgeon, in advising me to study the
+marks, and endeavour to make out their meaning, merely hoped that by
+means of them my mind might by degrees be diverted from the mournful idea
+on which it had so long brooded.  He was a man well skilled in his
+profession, but had read and thought very little on matters unconnected
+with it.  He had no idea that the marks had any particular signification,
+or were anything else but common and fortuitous ones.  That I became at
+all acquainted with their nature was owing to a ludicrous circumstance
+which I will now relate.
+
+'One day, chancing to be at a neighbouring town, I was struck with the
+appearance of a shop recently established.  It had an immense bow-window,
+and every part of it to which a brush could be applied was painted in a
+gaudy flaming style.  Large bowls of green and black tea were placed upon
+certain chests, which stood at the window.  I stopped to look at them;
+such a display, whatever it may be at the present time, being, at the
+period of which I am speaking, quite uncommon in a country town.  The
+tea, whether black or green, was very shining and inviting, and the
+bowls, of which there were three, standing on as many chests, were very
+grand and foreign-looking.  Two of these were white, with figures and
+trees painted upon them in blue; the other, which was the middlemost, had
+neither trees nor figures upon it, but, as I looked through the window,
+appeared to have on its sides the very same kind of marks which I had
+observed on the teapot at home; there were also marks on the tea-chests
+somewhat similar, but much larger, and, apparently, not executed with so
+much care.  "Best teas direct from China," said a voice close to my side,
+and looking round I saw a youngish man with a frizzled head, flat face,
+and an immensely wide mouth, standing in his shirt-sleeves by the door.
+"Direct from China," said he.  "Perhaps you will do me the favour to walk
+in and scent them?"  "I do not want any tea," said I; "I was only
+standing at the window examining those marks on the bowl and the chests.
+I have observed similar ones on a teapot at home."  "Pray walk in, sir,"
+said the young fellow, extending his mouth till it reached nearly from
+ear to ear--"pray walk in, and I shall be happy to give you any
+information respecting the manners and customs of the Chinese in my
+power."  Thereupon I followed him into his shop, where he began to
+harangue on the manners, customs, and peculiarities of the Chinese,
+especially their manner of preparing tea, not forgetting to tell me that
+the only genuine Chinese tea ever imported into England was to be found
+in his shop.  "With respect to those marks," said he, "on the bowl and
+the chests, they are nothing more nor less than Chinese writing
+expressing something, though what I can't exactly tell you.  Allow me to
+sell you this pound of tea," he added, showing me a paper parcel.  "On
+the envelope there is a printed account of the Chinese system of writing,
+extracted from authors of the most established reputation.  These things
+I print, principally with the hope of in some degree removing the worse
+than Gothic ignorance prevalent amongst the natives of these parts.  I am
+from London myself.  With respect to all that relates to the Chinese real
+Imperial tea, I assure you, sir, that--"  Well, to make short of what you
+doubtless consider a very tiresome story, I purchased the tea and carried
+it home.  The tea proved imperially bad, but the paper envelope really
+contained some information on the Chinese language and writing, amounting
+to about as much as you gained from me the other day.  On learning that
+the marks on the teapot expressed words, I felt my interest with respect
+to them considerably increased, and returned to the task of inspecting
+them with greater zeal than before, hoping, by continually looking at
+them, to be able eventually to understand their meaning, in which hope
+you may easily believe I was disappointed, though my desire to understand
+what they represented continued on the increase.  In this dilemma I
+determined to apply again to the shopkeeper from whom I bought the tea.
+I found him in rather low spirits, his shirt-sleeves were soiled, and his
+hair was out of curl.  On my inquiring how he got on, he informed me that
+he intended speedily to leave, having received little or no
+encouragement, the people in their Gothic ignorance preferring to deal
+with an old-fashioned shopkeeper over the way, who, so far from
+possessing any acquaintance with the polity and institutions of the
+Chinese, did not, he firmly believed, know that tea came from China.
+"You are come for some more, I suppose?" said he.  On receiving an answer
+in the negative he looked somewhat blank, but when I added that I came to
+consult with him as to the means which I must take in order to acquire
+the Chinese language he brightened up.  "You must get a grammar," said
+he, rubbing his hands.  "Have you not one?" said I.  "No," he replied,
+"but any bookseller can procure you one."  As I was taking my departure
+he told me that as he was about to leave the neighbourhood the bowl at
+the window which bore the inscription, besides some other pieces of
+porcelain of a similar description, were at my service, provided I chose
+to purchase them.  I consented, and two or three days afterwards took
+from off his hands all the china in his possession which bore
+inscriptions, paying what he demanded.  Had I waited till the sale of his
+effects, which occurred within a few weeks, I could probably have
+procured it for a fifth part of the sum which I paid, the other pieces
+realizing very little.  I did not, however, grudge the poor fellow what
+he got from me, as I considered myself to be somewhat in his debt for the
+information he had afforded me.
+
+'As for the rest of my story, it may be briefly told.  I followed the
+advice of the shopkeeper and applied to a bookseller, who wrote to his
+correspondent in London.  After a long interval, I was informed that if I
+wished to learn Chinese I must do so through the medium of French, there
+being neither Chinese grammar nor dictionary in our language.  I was at
+first very much disheartened.  I determined, however, at last to gratify
+my desire of learning Chinese, even at the expense of learning French.  I
+procured the books, and in order to qualify myself to turn them to
+account, took lessons in French from a little Swiss, the usher of a
+neighbouring boarding-school.  I was very stupid in acquiring French;
+perseverance, however, enabled me to acquire a knowledge sufficient for
+the object I had in view.  In about two years I began to study Chinese by
+myself through the medium of the French.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'and how did you get on with the study of Chinese?'
+
+And then the old man proceeded to inform me how he got on with the study
+of Chinese, enumerating all the difficulties he had had to encounter,
+dilating upon his frequent despondency of mind, and occasionally his
+utter despair of ever mastering Chinese.  He told me that more than once
+he had determined upon giving up the study, but then the misery in his
+head forthwith returned, to escape from which he had as often resumed it.
+It appeared, however, that ten years elapsed before he was able to use
+ten of the two hundred and fourteen keys which serve to undo the locks of
+Chinese writing.
+
+'And are you able at present to use the entire number?' I demanded.
+
+'Yes,' said the old man; 'I can at present use the whole number.  I know
+the key for every particular lock, though I frequently find the words
+unwilling to give way.'
+
+'Has nothing particular occurred to you,' said I, 'during the time that
+you have been prosecuting your studies?'
+
+'During the whole time in which I have been engaged in these studies,'
+said the old man, 'only one circumstance has occurred which requires any
+particular mention--the death of my old friend the surgeon, who was
+carried off suddenly by a fit of apoplexy.  His death was a great shock
+to me, and for a time interrupted my studies.  His son, however, who
+succeeded him, was very kind to me, and, in some degree, supplied his
+father's place; and I gradually returned to my Chinese locks and keys.'
+
+'And in applying keys to the Chinese locks you employ your time?'
+
+'Yes,' said the old man, 'in making out the inscriptions on the various
+pieces of porcelain, which I have at different times procured, I pass my
+time.  The first inscription which I translated was that on the teapot of
+my beloved.'
+
+'And how many other pieces of porcelain may you have at present in your
+possession?'
+
+'About fifteen hundred.'
+
+'And how did you obtain them?' I demanded.
+
+'Without much labour,' said the old man, 'in the neighbouring towns and
+villages--chiefly at auctions--of which, about twenty years ago, there
+were many in these parts.'
+
+'And may I ask your reasons for confining your studies entirely to the
+crockery literature of China, when you have all the rest at your
+disposal?'
+
+'The inscriptions enable me to pass my time,' said the old man; 'what
+more would the whole literature of China do?'
+
+'And from those inscriptions,' said I, 'what a book it is in your power
+to make, whenever so disposed!  "Translations from the crockery
+literature of China."  Such a book would be sure to take.  Even glorious
+John himself would not disdain to publish it.'
+
+The old man smiled.  'I have no desire for literary distinction,' said
+he; 'no ambition.  My original wish was to pass my life in easy, quiet
+obscurity--with her whom I loved.  I was disappointed in my wish; she was
+removed, who constituted my only felicity in this life: desolation came
+to my heart, and misery to my head.  To escape from the latter I had
+recourse to Chinese.  By degrees the misery left my head, but the
+desolation of heart yet remains.'
+
+'Be of good cheer,' said I.  'Through the instrumentality of this
+affliction you have learnt Chinese, and, in so doing, learnt to practise
+the duties of hospitality.  Who but a man who could read Runes on a
+teapot, would have received an unfortunate wayfarer as you have received
+me?'
+
+'Well,' said the old man, 'let us hope that all is for the best.  I am by
+nature indolent, and, but for this affliction, should, perhaps, have
+hardly taken the trouble to do my duty to my fellow-creatures.  I am
+very, very indolent,' said he, slightly glancing towards the clock;
+'therefore let us hope that all is for the best.  But, oh! these trials,
+they are very hard to bear.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+
+THE LEAVE-TAKING--SPIRIT OF THE HEARTH--WHAT'S O'CLOCK
+
+The next morning, having breakfasted with my old friend, I went into the
+stable to make the necessary preparations for my departure; there, with
+the assistance of a stable lad, I cleaned and caparisoned my horse, and
+then, returning into the house, I made the old female attendant such a
+present as I deemed would be some compensation for the trouble I had
+caused.  Hearing that the old gentleman was in the study, I repaired to
+him.  'I am come to take leave of you,' said I, 'and to thank you for all
+the hospitality which I have received at your hands.'  The eyes of the
+old man were fixed steadfastly on the inscription which I had found him
+studying on a former occasion.  'At length,' he murmured to himself.  'I
+have it--I think I have it;' and then, looking at me, he said: 'So you
+are about to depart?'
+
+'Yes,' said I, 'my horse will be at the front door in a few minutes.  I
+am glad, however, before I go, to find that you have mastered the
+inscription.'
+
+'Yes,' said the old man, 'I believe I have mastered it.  It seems to
+consist of some verses relating to the worship of the Spirit of the
+Hearth.'
+
+'What is the Spirit of the Hearth?' said I.
+
+'One of the many demons which the Chinese worship,' said the old man.
+'They do not worship one God, but many.'  And then the old man told me a
+great many highly-interesting particulars respecting the demon worship of
+the Chinese.
+
+After the lapse of at least half an hour I said: 'I must not linger here
+any longer, however willing.  Horncastle is distant, and I wish to be
+there to-night.  Pray can you inform me what's o'clock?'
+
+The old man, rising, looked towards the clock which hung on the side of
+the room at his left hand, on the farther side of the table at which he
+was seated.
+
+'I am rather short-sighted,' said I, 'and cannot distinguish the numbers
+at that distance.'
+
+'It is ten o'clock,' said the old man; 'I believe somewhat past.'
+
+'A quarter, perhaps?'
+
+'Yes,' said the old man, 'a quarter, or--'
+
+'Or?'
+
+'Seven minutes, or ten minutes past ten.'
+
+'I do not understand you.'
+
+'Why, to tell you the truth,' said the old man, with a smile, 'there is
+one thing to the knowledge of which I could never exactly attain.'
+
+'Do you mean to say,' said I, 'that you do not know what's o'clock?'
+
+'I can give a guess,' said the old man, 'to within a few minutes.'
+
+'But you cannot tell the exact moment?'
+
+'No,' said the old man.
+
+'In the name of wonder,' said I, 'with that thing there on the wall
+continually ticking in your ear, how comes it that you do not know what's
+o'clock?'
+
+'Why,' said the old man, 'I have contented myself with giving a tolerably
+good guess; to do more would have been too great trouble.'
+
+'But you have learnt Chinese,' said I.
+
+'Yes,' said the old man, 'I have learnt Chinese.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'I really would counsel you to learn to know what's
+o'clock as soon as possible.  Consider what a sad thing it would be to go
+out of the world not knowing what's o'clock.  A millionth part of the
+trouble required to learn Chinese would, if employed, infallibly teach
+you to know what's o'clock.'
+
+'I had a motive for learning Chinese,' said the old man, 'the hope of
+appeasing the misery in my head.  With respect to not knowing what's
+o'clock, I cannot see anything particularly sad in the matter.  A man may
+get through the world very creditably without knowing what's o'clock.
+Yet, upon the whole, it is no bad thing to know what's o'clock--you, of
+course, do?  It would be too good a joke if two people were to be
+together, one knowing Armenian and the other Chinese, and neither knowing
+what's o'clock.  I'll now see you off.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+
+ARRIVAL AT HORNCASTLE--THE INN AND OSTLERS--THE GARRET--FIGURE OF A MAN
+WITH A CANDLE
+
+Leaving the house of the old man who knew Chinese, but could not tell
+what was o'clock, I wended my way to Horncastle, which I reached in the
+evening of the same day, without having met any adventure on the way
+worthy of being marked down in this very remarkable history.
+
+The town was a small one, seemingly ancient, and was crowded with people
+and horses.  I proceeded, without delay, to the inn to which my friend
+the surgeon had directed me.  'It is of no use coming here,' said two or
+three ostlers, as I entered the yard--'all full--no room whatever;'
+whilst one added, in an undertone, 'That 'ere ain't a bad-looking horse.'
+'I want to see the master of this inn,' said I, as I dismounted from the
+horse.  'See the master,' said an ostler--the same who had paid the
+negative kind of compliment to the horse--'a likely thing, truly.  My
+master is drinking wine with some of the grand gentry, and can't be
+disturbed for the sake of the like of you.'  'I bring a letter to him,'
+said I, pulling out the surgeon's epistle.  'I wish you would deliver it
+to him,' I added, offering a half-crown.  'Oh, it's you, is it?' said the
+ostler, taking the letter and the half-crown.  'My master will be right
+glad to see you.  Why you hain't been here for many a long year.  I'll
+carry the note to him at once.'  And with these words he hurried into the
+house.  'That's a nice horse, young man,' said another ostler.  'What
+will you take for it?' to which interrogation I made no answer.  'If you
+wish to sell him,' said the ostler, coming up to me, and winking
+knowingly, 'I think I and my partners might offer you a summut under
+seventy pounds;' to which kind of half-insinuated offer I made no reply,
+save by winking in the same kind of knowing manner in which I had
+observed him wink.  'Rather leary!' said a third ostler.  'Well, young
+man, perhaps you will drink to-night with me and my partners, when we can
+talk the matter over.'  Before I had time to answer, the landlord, a
+well-dressed, good-looking man, made his appearance with the ostler; he
+bore the letter in his hand.  Without glancing at me, he betook himself
+at once to consider the horse, going round him, and observing every point
+with the utmost minuteness.  At last, after having gone round the horse
+three times, he stopped beside me, and keeping his eyes on the horse,
+bent his head towards his right shoulder.  'That horse is worth some
+money,' said he, turning towards me suddenly, and slightly touching me on
+the arm with the letter which he held in his hand; to which observation I
+made no reply, save by bending my head towards the right shoulder as I
+had seen him do.  'The young man is going to talk to me and my partners
+about it to-night,' said the ostler who had expressed an opinion that he
+and his friends might offer me somewhat under seventy pounds for the
+animal.  'Pooh!' said the landlord, 'the young man knows what he is
+about; in the meantime lead the horse to the reserved stall, and see well
+after him.  My friend,' said he, taking me aside after the ostler had led
+the animal away, 'recommends you to me in the strongest manner, on which
+account alone I take you and your horse in.  I need not advise you not to
+be taken in, as I should say, by your look, that you are tolerably awake;
+but there are queer hands at Horncastle at this time, and those fellows
+of mine, you understand me--; but I have a great deal to do at present,
+so you must excuse me,' and thereupon went into the house.
+
+That same evening I was engaged at least two hours in the stable, in
+rubbing the horse down, and preparing him for the exhibition which I
+intended he should make in the fair on the following day.  The ostler, to
+whom I had given the half-crown, occasionally assisted me, though he was
+too much occupied by the horses of other guests to devote any length of
+time to the service of mine; he more than once repeated to me his firm
+conviction that himself and partners could afford to offer me summut for
+the horse; and at a later hour when, in compliance with his invitation, I
+took a glass of summut with himself and partners, in a little room
+surrounded with corn-chests, on which we sat, both himself and partners
+endeavoured to impress upon me, chiefly by means of nods and winks, their
+conviction that they could afford to give me summut for the horse,
+provided I were disposed to sell him; in return for which intimation,
+with as many nods and winks as they had all collectively used, I
+endeavoured to impress upon them my conviction that I could get summut
+handsomer in the fair than they might be disposed to offer me, seeing as
+how--which how I followed by a wink and a nod, which they seemed
+perfectly to understand, one or two of them declaring that if the case
+was so, it made a great deal of difference, and that they did not wish to
+be any hindrance to me, more particularly as it was quite clear I had
+been an ostler like themselves.
+
+It was late at night when I began to think of retiring to rest.  On
+inquiring if there was any place in which I could sleep, I was informed
+that there was a bed at my service, provided I chose to sleep in a
+two-bedded room, one of the beds of which was engaged by another
+gentleman.  I expressed my satisfaction at this arrangement, and was
+conducted by a maid-servant up many pairs of stairs to a garret, in which
+were two small beds, in one of which she gave me to understand another
+gentleman slept; he had, however, not yet retired to rest; I asked who he
+was, but the maid-servant could give me no information about him, save
+that he was a highly respectable gentleman, and a friend of her master's.
+Presently, bidding me good night, she left me with a candle; and I,
+having undressed myself and extinguished the light, went to bed.
+Notwithstanding the noises which sounded from every part of the house, I
+was not slow in falling asleep, being thoroughly tired.  I know not how
+long I might have been in bed, perhaps two hours, when I was partially
+awakened by a light shining upon my face, whereupon, unclosing my eyes, I
+perceived the figure of a man, with a candle in one hand, staring at my
+face, whilst with the other hand he held back the curtain of the bed.  As
+I have said before, I was only partially awakened, my power of perception
+was consequently very confused; it appeared to me, however, that the man
+was dressed in a green coat; that he had curly brown or black hair, and
+that there was something peculiar in his look.  Just as I was beginning
+to recollect myself, the curtain dropped, and I heard, or thought I
+heard, a voice say, 'Don't know the cove.'  Then there was a rustling
+like a person undressing, whereupon being satisfied that it was my fellow
+lodger, I dropped asleep, but was awakened again by a kind of heavy
+plunge upon the other bed, which caused it to rock and creak, when I
+observed that the light had been extinguished, probably blown out, if I
+might judge from a rather disagreeable smell of burnt wick which remained
+in the room, and which kept me awake till I heard my companion breathing
+hard, when, turning on the other side, I was again once more speedily in
+the arms of slumber.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+
+HORNCASTLE FAIR
+
+It had been my intention to be up and doing early on the following
+morning, but my slumbers proved so profound, that I did not wake until
+about eight; on arising, I again found myself the sole occupant of the
+apartment, my more alert companion having probably risen at a much
+earlier hour.  Having dressed myself, I descended, and going to the
+stable, found my horse under the hands of my friend the ostler, who was
+carefully rubbing him down.  'There ain't a better horse in the fair,'
+said he to me, 'and as you are one of us, and appear to be all right,
+I'll give you a piece of advice--don't take less than a hundred and fifty
+for him; if you mind your hits, you may get it, for I have known two
+hundred given in this fair for one no better, if so good.'  'Well,' said
+I, 'thank you for your advice, which I will take, and, if successful,
+will give you "summut" handsome.'  'Thank you,' said the ostler; 'and now
+let me ask whether you are up to all the ways of this here place?'  'I
+have never been here before,' said I, 'but I have a pair of tolerably
+sharp eyes in my head.'  'That I see you have,' said the ostler, 'but
+many a body, with as sharp a pair of eyes as yourn, has lost his horse in
+this fair, for want of having been here before.   Therefore,' said he,
+'I'll give you a caution or two.'  Thereupon the ostler proceeded to give
+me at least half a dozen cautions, only two of which I shall relate to
+the reader: the first, not to stop to listen to what any chance customer
+might have to say; and the last--the one on which he appeared to lay most
+stress--by no manner of means to permit a Yorkshireman to get up into the
+saddle.  'For,' said he, 'if you do, it is three to one that he rides off
+with the horse.  He can't help it.  Trust a cat amongst cream, but never
+trust a Yorkshireman on the saddle of a good horse.  By-the-by,' he
+continued, 'that saddle of yours is not a particularly good one, no more
+is the bridle.  A shabby saddle and a bridle have more than once spoiled
+the sale of a good horse.  I tell you what, as you seem a decent kind of
+a young chap, I'll lend you a saddle and bridle of my master's, almost
+bran new; he won't object I know, as you are a friend of his, only you
+must not forget your promise to come down with summut handsome after you
+have sold the animal.'
+
+After a slight breakfast I mounted the horse, which, decked out in his
+borrowed finery, really looked better by a large sum of money than on any
+former occasion.  Making my way out of the yard of the inn, I was
+instantly in the principal street of the town, up and down which an
+immense number of horses were being exhibited, some led, and others with
+riders.  'A wonderful small quantity of good horses in the fair this
+time!' I heard a stout jockey-looking individual say, who was staring up
+the street with his side towards me.  'Halloo, young fellow!' said he, a
+few moments after I had passed, 'whose horse is that?  Stop!  I want to
+look at him!'  Though confident that he was addressing himself to me, I
+took no notice, remembering the advice of the ostler, and proceeded up
+the street.  My horse possessed a good walking step; but walking, as the
+reader knows, was not his best pace, which was the long trot, at which I
+could not well exercise him in the street, on account of the crowd of men
+and animals.  However, as he walked along, I could easily perceive that
+he attracted no slight attention amongst those who, by their jockey dress
+and general appearance, I imagined to be connoisseurs.  I heard various
+calls to stop, to none of which I paid the slightest attention.  In a few
+minutes I found myself out of the town, when, turning round for the
+purpose of returning, I found I had been followed by several of the
+connoisseur-looking individuals, whom I had observed in the fair.  'Now
+would be the time for a display,' thought I; and looking around me I
+observed two five-barred gates, one on each side of the road, and
+fronting each other.  Turning my horse's head to one, I pressed my heels
+to his sides, loosened the reins, and gave an encouraging cry, whereupon
+the animal cleared the gate in a twinkling.  Before he had advanced ten
+yards in the field to which the gate opened, I had turned him round, and
+again giving him cry and rein, I caused him to leap back again into the
+road, and still allowing him head, I made him leap the other gate; and
+forthwith turning him round, I caused him to leap once more into the
+road, where he stood proudly tossing his head, as much as to say, 'What
+more?'  'A fine horse! a capital horse!' said several of the
+connoisseurs.  'What do you ask for him?'  'Too much for any of you to
+pay,' said I.  'A horse like this is intended for other kind of customers
+than any of you.'  'How do you know that?' said one--the very same person
+whom I had heard complaining in the street of the paucity of good horses
+in the fair.  'Come, let us know what you ask for him?'  'A hundred and
+fifty pounds!' said I; 'neither more nor less.'  'Do you call that a
+great price?' said the man.  'Why, I thought you would have asked double
+that amount!  You do yourself injustice, young man.'  'Perhaps I do,'
+said I; 'but that's my affair; I do not choose to take more.'  'I wish
+you would let me get into the saddle,' said the man; 'the horse knows
+you, and therefore shows to more advantage; but I should like to see how
+he would move under me, who am a stranger.  Will you let me get into the
+saddle, young man?'  'No,' said I, 'I will not let you get into the
+saddle.'  'Why not?' said the man.  'Lest you should be a Yorkshireman,'
+said I; 'and should run away with the horse.'  'Yorkshire?' said the man;
+'I am from Suffolk; silly Suffolk--so you need not be afraid of my
+running away with the horse.'  'Oh! if that's the case,' said I, 'I
+should be afraid that the horse would run away with you; so I will by no
+means let you mount.'  'Will you let me look in his mouth?' said the man.
+'If you please,' said I; 'but I tell you, he's apt to bite.'  'He can
+scarcely be a worse bite than his master,' said the man, looking into the
+horse's mouth; 'he's four off.  I say, young man, will you warrant this
+horse?'  'No,' said I; 'I never warrant horses; the horses that I ride
+can always warrant themselves.'  'I wish you would let me speak a word to
+you,' said he.  'Just come aside.  It's a nice horse,' said he, in a half
+whisper, after I had ridden a few paces aside with him.  'It's a nice
+horse,' said he, placing his hand upon the pommel of the saddle, and
+looking up in my face, 'and I think I can find you a customer.  If you
+would take a hundred, I think my lord would purchase it, for he has sent
+me about the fair to look him up a horse, by which he could hope to make
+a honest penny.'  'Well,' said I, 'and could he not make a honest penny,
+and yet give me the price I ask?'  'Why,' said the go-between, 'a hundred
+and fifty pounds is as much as the animal is worth, or nearly so; and my
+lord, do you see--'  'I see no reason at all,' said I, 'why I should sell
+the animal for less than he is worth, in order that his lordship may be
+benefited by him; so that if his lordship wants to make an honest penny,
+he must find some person who would consider the disadvantage of selling
+him a horse for less than it is worth, as counterbalanced by the honour
+of dealing with a lord, which I should never do; but I can't be wasting
+my time here.  I am going back to the ---, where if you, or any person,
+are desirous of purchasing the horse, you must come within the next
+half-hour, or I shall probably not feel disposed to sell him at all.'
+'Another word, young man,' said the jockey; but without staying to hear
+what he had to say, I put the horse to his best trot, and re-entering the
+town, and threading my way as well as I could through the press, I
+returned to the yard of the inn, where, dismounting, I stood still,
+holding the horse by the bridle.
+
+I had been standing in this manner about five minutes, when I saw the
+jockey enter the yard, accompanied by another individual.  They advanced
+directly towards me.  'Here is my lord come to look at the horse, young
+man,' said the jockey.  My lord, {224} as the jockey called him, was a
+tall figure of about five-and-thirty.  He had on his head a hat somewhat
+rusty, and on his back a surtout of blue rather the worse for wear.  His
+forehead, if not high, was exceedingly narrow; his eyes were brown, with
+a rat-like glare in them; the nose was rather long, and the mouth very
+wide; the cheek-bones high, and the cheeks, as to hue and consistency,
+exhibiting very much the appearance of a withered red apple; there was a
+gaunt expression of hunger in the whole countenance.  He had scarcely
+glanced at the horse, when drawing in his cheeks, he thrust out his lips
+very much after the manner of a baboon, when he sees a piece of sugar
+held out towards him.  'Is this horse yours?' said he, suddenly turning
+towards me, with a kind of smirk.  'It's my horse,' said I; 'are you the
+person who wishes to make a honest penny by it?'  'How!' said he, drawing
+up his head with a very consequential look, and speaking with a very
+haughty tone, 'what do you mean?'  We looked at each other full in the
+face; after a few moments the muscles of the mouth of him of the hungry
+look began to move violently, the face was puckered into innumerable
+wrinkles, and the eyes became half closed.  'Well,' said I, 'have you
+ever seen me before?  I suppose you are asking yourself that question.'
+'Excuse me, sir,' said he, dropping his lofty look, and speaking in a
+very subdued and civil tone, 'I have never had the honour of seeing you
+before, that is'--said he, slightly glancing at me again, and again
+moving the muscles of his mouth--'no, I have never seen you before,' he
+added, making me a low bow, 'I have never had that pleasure; my business
+with you at present is to inquire the lowest price you are willing to
+take for this horse.  My agent here informs me that you ask one hundred
+and fifty pounds, which I can't think of giving; the horse is a showy
+horse, but look, my dear sir, he has a defect here, and there in his near
+fore-leg I observe something which looks very like a splint--yes, upon my
+credit,' said he, touching the animal, 'he has a splint, or something
+which will end in one.  A hundred and fifty pounds, sir!  What could have
+induced you ever to ask anything like that for this animal?  I protest
+that, in my time, I have frequently bought a better for ---.  Who are
+you, sir?  I am in treaty for this horse,' said he to a man who had come
+up whilst he was talking, and was now looking into the horse's mouth.
+'Who am I?' said the man, still looking into the horse's mouth--'who am
+I? his lordship asks me.  Ah, I see, close on five,' said he, releasing
+the horse's jaws, and looking at me.  This new comer was a thin,
+wiry-made individual, with wiry curling brown hair; his face was dark,
+and wore an arch and somewhat roguish expression; upon one of his eyes
+was a kind of speck or beam; he might be about forty, wore a green jockey
+coat, and held in his hand a black riding-whip, with a knob of silver
+wire.  As I gazed upon his countenance it brought powerfully to my mind
+the face which, by the light of the candle, I had seen staring over me on
+the preceding night, when lying in bed and half asleep.  Close beside
+him, and seemingly in his company, stood an exceedingly tall figure, that
+of a youth, seemingly about one-and-twenty, dressed in a handsome
+riding-dress, and wearing on his head a singular hat, green in colour,
+and with a very high peak.  'What do you ask for this horse?' said he of
+the green coat, winking at me with the eye which had a beam in it, whilst
+the other shone and sparkled like Mrs. Colonel W---'s Golconda diamond.
+'Who are you, sir, I demand once more?' said he of the hungry look.  'Who
+am I?  Why who should I be but Jack Dale, who buys horses for himself and
+other folk; I want one at present for this short young gentleman,' said
+he, motioning with his finger to the gigantic youth.  'Well, sir,' said
+the other, 'and what business have you to interfere between me and any
+purchase I may be disposed to make?'  'Well, then,' said the other, 'be
+quick and purchase the horse, or perhaps I may.'  'Do you think I am to
+be dictated to by a fellow of your description?' said his lordship;
+'begone, or--'  'What do you ask for this horse?' said the other to me,
+very coolly.  'A hundred and fifty,' said I.  'I shouldn't mind giving it
+you,' said he.  'You will do no such thing,' said his lordship, speaking
+so fast that he almost stuttered.  'Sir,' said he to me, 'I must give you
+what you ask.  Symmonds, take possession of the animal for me,' said he
+to the other jockey who attended him.  'You will please to do no such
+thing without my consent,' said I; 'I have not sold him.'  'I have this
+moment told you that I will give you the price you demand,' said his
+lordship, 'is not that sufficient?'  'No,' said I, 'there is a proper
+manner of doing everything.  Had you come forward in a manly and
+gentlemanly manner to purchase the horse, I should have been happy to
+sell him to you, but after all the fault you have found with him, I would
+not sell him to you at any price, so send your friend to find up
+another.'  'You behave in this manner, I suppose,' said his lordship,
+'because this fellow has expressed a willingness to come to your terms.
+I would advise you to be cautious how you trust the animal in his hands;
+I think I have seen him before, and could tell you--'  'What can you tell
+of me?' said the other, going up to him, 'except that I have been a poor
+dicky-boy, {226a} and that now I am a dealer in horses, and that my
+father was lagged? {226b} that is all you could tell of me, and that I
+don't mind telling myself; but there are two things they can't say of me,
+they can't say that I am either a coward, or a screw either, except so
+far as one who gets his bread by horses may be expected to be; and they
+can't say of me that I ever ate up an ice which a young woman was waiting
+for, or that I ever backed out of a fight.  Horse!' said he, motioning
+with his finger tauntingly to the other, 'what do you want with a horse,
+except to take the bread out of the mouth of a poor man--to-morrow is not
+the battle of Waterloo, so that you don't want to back out of danger by
+pretending to have hurt yourself by falling from the creature's back, my
+lord of the white feather--come, none of your fierce looks--I am not
+afraid of you.'  In fact, the other had assumed an expression of the
+deadliest malice, his teeth were clenched, his lips quivered and were
+quite pale; the rat-like eyes sparkled, and he made a half spring, a la
+rat, towards his adversary, who only laughed.  Restraining himself,
+however, he suddenly turned to his understrapper, saying, 'Symmonds, will
+you see me thus insulted?  Go and trounce this scoundrel; you can, I
+know.'  'Symmonds trounce me!' said the other, going up to the person
+addressed, and drawing his hand contemptuously over his face; 'why I beat
+Symmonds in this very yard in one round three years ago, didn't I,
+Symmonds?' said he to the understrapper, who held down his head,
+muttering in a surly tone, 'I didn't come here to fight; let every one
+take his own part.'  'That's right, Symmonds,' said the other,
+'especially every one from whom there is nothing to be got.  I would give
+you half-a crown for all the trouble you have had, provided I were not
+afraid that my Lord Plume there would get it from you as soon as you
+leave the yard together.  Come, take yourselves both off; there's nothing
+to be made here.'  Indeed, his lordship seemed to be of the same opinion,
+for after a further glance at the horse, a contemptuous look at me, and a
+scowl at the jockey, he turned on his heel, muttering something which
+sounded like fellows, and stalked out of the yard, followed by Symmonds.
+
+'And now, young man,' said the jockey, or whatever he was, turning to me
+with an arch leer, 'I suppose I may consider myself as the purchaser of
+this here animal, for the use and behoof of this young gentleman,' making
+a sign with his head towards the tall young man by his side.  'By no
+means,' said I, 'I am utterly unacquainted with either of you, and before
+parting with the horse I must be satisfied as to the respectability of
+the purchaser.'  'Oh! as to that matter,' said he, 'I have plenty of
+vouchers for my respectability about me;' and, thrusting his hand into
+his bosom below his waistcoat, he drew out a large bundle of notes.
+'These are the kind of things,' said he, 'which vouch best for a man's
+respectability.'  'Not always,' said I; 'indeed, sometimes these kind of
+things need vouchers for themselves.'  The man looked at me with a
+peculiar look.  'Do you mean to say that these notes are not sufficient
+notes?' said he, 'because if you do I shall take the liberty of thinking
+that you are not over civil, and when I thinks a person is not over and
+above civil I sometimes takes off my coat; and when my coat is off--.'
+'You sometimes knock people down,' I added; 'well, whether you knock me
+down or not, I beg leave to tell you that I am a stranger in this fair,
+and that I shall part with the horse to nobody who has no better
+guarantee for his respectability than a roll of bank-notes, which may be
+good or not for what I know, who am not a judge of such things.'  'Oh! if
+you are a stranger here,' said the man, 'as I believe you are, never
+having seen you here before except last night, when I think I saw you
+above stairs by the glimmer of a candle--I say, if you are a stranger,
+you are quite right to be cautious; queer things being done in this fair,
+as nobody knows better than myself,' he added, with a leer; 'but I
+suppose if the landlord of the house vouches for me and my notes, you
+will have no objection to part with the horse to me?'  'None whatever,'
+said I, 'and in the meantime the horse can return to the stable.'
+
+Thereupon I delivered the horse to my friend the ostler.  The landlord of
+the house, on being questioned by me as to the character and condition of
+my new acquaintance, informed me that he was a respectable horsedealer,
+and an intimate friend of his, whereupon the purchase was soon brought to
+a satisfactory conclusion.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+
+HIGH DUTCH
+
+It was evening: and myself and the two acquaintances I had made in the
+fair--namely, the jockey and the tall foreigner--sat in a large upstairs
+room, which looked into a court; we had dined with several people
+connected with the fair at a long table d'hote; they had now departed,
+and we sat at a small side-table with wine and a candle before us; both
+my companions had pipes in their mouths--the jockey a common pipe, and
+the foreigner, one, the syphon of which made of some kind of wood, was at
+least six feet long, and the bowl of which, made of a white kind of
+substance like porcelain, and capable of holding nearly an ounce of
+tobacco, rested on the ground.  The jockey frequently emptied and
+replenished his glass; the foreigner sometimes raised his to his lips,
+for no other purpose seemingly than to moisten them, as he never drained
+his glass.  As for myself, though I did not smoke, I had a glass before
+me, from which I sometimes took a sip.  The room, notwithstanding the
+window was flung open, was in general so filled with smoke, chiefly that
+which was drawn from the huge bowl of the foreigner, that my companions
+and I were frequently concealed from each other's eyes.  The
+conversation, which related entirely to the events of the fair, was
+carried on by the jockey and myself, the foreigner, who appeared to
+understand the greater part of what we said, occasionally putting in a
+few observations in broken English.  At length the jockey, after the
+other had made some ineffectual attempts to express something
+intelligibly which he wished to say, observed: 'Isn't it a pity that so
+fine a fellow as meinheer, and so clever a fellow too, as I believe him
+to be, is not a little better master of our language?'
+
+'Is the gentleman a German?' said I; 'if so I can interpret for him
+anything he wishes to say.'
+
+'The deuce you can,' said the jockey, taking his pipe out of his mouth,
+and staring at me through the smoke.
+
+'Ha! you speak German,' vociferated the foreigner in that language.  'By
+Isten, I am glad of it!  I wanted to say--'  And here he said in German
+what he wished to say, and which was of no great importance, and which I
+translated into English.
+
+'Well, if you don't put me out,' said the jockey; 'what language is
+that--Dutch?'
+
+'High Dutch,' said I.
+
+'High Dutch, and you speak High Dutch; why I had booked you for as great
+an ignoramus as myself, who can't write--no, nor distinguish in a book a
+great A from a bull's foot.'
+
+'A person may be a very clever man,' said I; 'no, not a clever man, for
+clever signifies clerkly, and a clever man one who is able to read and
+write, and entitled to the benefit of his clergy or clerkship; but a
+person may be a very acute person without being able to read or write.  I
+never saw a more acute countenance than your own.'
+
+'No soft soap,' said the jockey, 'for I never uses any.  However, thank
+you for your information; I have hitherto thought myself a 'nition clever
+fellow, but from henceforth shall consider myself just the contrary, and
+only--what's the word?--confounded 'cute.'
+
+'Just so,' said I.
+
+'Well,' said the jockey, 'as you say you can speak High Dutch, I should
+like to hear you and master six foot six fire away at each other.'
+
+'I cannot speak German,' said I, 'but I can understand tolerably well
+what others say in it.'
+
+'Come, no backing out,' said the jockey, 'let's hear you fire away for
+the glory of Old England.'
+
+'Then you are a German?' said I, in German, to the foreigner.
+
+'That will do,' said the jockey, 'keep it up.'
+
+'A German!' said the tall foreigner.  'No, I thank God that I do not
+belong to the stupid sluggish Germanic race, but to a braver, taller, and
+handsomer people;' here taking the pipe out of his mouth, he stood up
+proudly erect, so that his head nearly touched the ceiling of the room,
+then reseating himself, and again putting the syphon to his lips, he
+added, 'I am a Magyar.'
+
+'What is that?' said I.
+
+The foreigner looked at me for a moment, somewhat contemptuously, through
+the smoke, then said, in a voice of thunder: 'A Hungarian!'
+
+'What a voice the chap has when he pleases!' interposed the jockey; 'what
+is he saying?'
+
+'Merely that he is a Hungarian,' said I, but I added, 'the conversation
+of this gentleman and myself in a language which you can't understand
+must be very tedious to you, we had better give it up.'
+
+'Keep on with it,' said the jockey, 'I shall go on listening very
+contentedly till I fall asleep, no bad thing to do at most times.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+
+THE HUNGARIAN {231}
+
+'Then you are a countryman of Tekeli, and of the queen who made the
+celebrated water,' said I, speaking to the Hungarian in German, which I
+was able to do tolerably well, owing to my having translated the
+Publisher's philosophy into that language, always provided I did not
+attempt to say much at a time.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Ah! you have heard of Tekeli, and of L'eau de la Reine
+d'Hongrie.  How is that?
+
+_Myself_.  I have seen a play acted, founded on the exploits of Tekeli,
+and have read Pigault Le Brun's beautiful romance, entitled the 'Barons
+of Felsheim,' in which he is mentioned.  As for the water, I have heard a
+lady, the wife of a master of mine, speak of it.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Was she handsome?
+
+_Myself_.  Very.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Did she possess the water?
+
+_Myself_.  I should say not; for I have heard her express a great
+curiosity about it.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Was she growing old?
+
+_Myself_.  Of course not; but why do you put all these questions?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Because the water is said to make people handsome, and,
+above all, to restore to the aged the beauty of their youth.  Well!
+Tekeli was my countryman, and I have the honour of having some of the
+blood of the Tekelis in my veins, but with respect to the queen, pardon
+me if I tell you that she was not a Hungarian; she was a Pole--Ersebet by
+name, daughter of Vladislaus Locticus, King of Poland; she was the fourth
+spouse of Caroly the Second, King of the Magyar country, who married her
+in the year 1320.  She was a great woman and celebrated politician,
+though at present chiefly known by her water.
+
+_Myself_.  How came she to invent it?
+
+_Hungarian_.  If her own account may be believed, she did not invent it.
+After her death, as I have read in Florentius of Buda, there was found a
+statement of the manner in which she came by it, written in her own hand,
+on a fly-leaf of her breviary, to the following effect: Being afflicted
+with a grievous disorder at the age of seventy-two, she received the
+medicine which was called her water, from an old hermit whom she never
+saw before or afterwards; it not only cured her, but restored to her all
+her former beauty, so that the King of Poland fell in love with her, and
+made her an offer of marriage, which she refused for the glory of God,
+from whose holy angel she believed she had received the water.  The
+receipt for making it and directions for using it, were also found on the
+fly-leaf.  The principal component parts were burnt wine and rosemary,
+passed through an alembic; a drachm of it was to be taken once a week,
+'etelbenn vagy italbann,' in the food or the drink, early in the morning,
+and the cheeks were to be moistened with it every day.  The effects,
+according to the statement, were wonderful--and perhaps they were upon
+the queen; but whether the water has been equally efficacious on other
+people, is a point which I cannot determine.  I should wish to see some
+old woman who has been restored to youthful beauty by the use of L'eau de
+la Reine d'Hongrie.
+
+_Myself_.  Perhaps, if you did, the old gentlewoman would hardly be so
+ingenuous as the queen.  But who are the Hungarians--descendants of
+Attila and his people?
+
+The Hungarian shook his head, and gave me to understand that he did not
+believe that his nation were the descendants of Attila and his people,
+though he acknowledged that they were probably of the same race.  Attila
+and his armies, he said, came and disappeared in a very mysterious
+manner, and that nothing could be said with positiveness about them; that
+the people now known as Magyars first made their appearance in Muscovy in
+the year 884, under the leadership of Almus, called so from Alom, which,
+in the Hungarian language, signifies a dream; his mother, before his
+birth, having dreamt that the child with which she was enceinte would be
+the father of a long succession of kings, which, in fact, was the case;
+that after beating the Russians he entered Hungary, and coming to a place
+called Ungvar, from which many people believed that modern Hungary
+derived its name, he captured it, and held in it a grand festival, which
+lasted four days, at the end of which time he resigned the leadership of
+the Magyars to his son Arpad.  This Arpad and his Magyars utterly subdued
+Pannonia--that is, Hungary and Transylvania, wresting the government of
+it from the Sclavonian tribes who inhabited it, and settling down amongst
+them as conquerors!  After giving me this information, the Hungarian
+exclaimed with much animation: 'A goodly country that which they had
+entered on, consisting of a plain surrounded by mountains, some of which
+intersect it here and there, with noble rapid rivers, the grandest of
+which is the mighty Dunau; a country with tiny volcanoes, casting up
+puffs of smoke and steam, and from which hot springs arise, good for the
+sick; with many fountains, some of which are so pleasant to the taste as
+to be preferred to wine; with a generous soil which, warmed by a
+beautiful sun, is able to produce corn, grapes, and even the Indian weed;
+in fact, one of the finest countries in the world, which even a Spaniard
+would pronounce to be nearly equal to Spain.  Here they
+rested--meditating, however, fresh conquests.  Oh, the Magyars soon
+showed themselves a mighty people.  Besides Hungary and Transylvania,
+they subdued Bulgaria and Bosnia, and the land of Tot, now called
+Sclavonia.  The generals of Zoltan, the son of Arpad, led troops of
+horsemen to the banks of the Rhine.  One of them, at the head of a host,
+besieged Constantinople.  It was then that Botond engaged in combat with
+a Greek of gigantic stature, who came out of the city and challenged the
+two best men in the Magyar army.  "I am the feeblest of the Magyars,"
+said Botond, "but I will kill thee;" and he performed his word, having
+previously given a proof of the feebleness of his arm by striking his
+battle-axe through the brazen gate, making a hole so big that a child of
+five years old could walk through it.'
+
+_Myself_.  Of what religion were the old Hungarians?
+
+_Hungarian_.  They had some idea of a Supreme Being, whom they called
+Isten, which word is still used by the Magyars for God; but their chief
+devotion was directed to sorcerers and soothsayers, something like the
+Schamans of the Siberian steppes.  They were converted to Christianity
+chiefly through the instrumentality of Istvan or Stephen, called after
+his death St. Istvan, who ascended the throne in the year one thousand.
+He was born in heathenesse, and his original name was Vojk: he was the
+first kiraly, or king of the Magyars.  Their former leaders had been
+called fejedelmek, or dukes.  The Magyar language has properly no term
+either for king or house.  Kiraly is a word derived from the Sclaves;
+haz, or house, from the Germans, who first taught them to build houses,
+their original dwellings having been tilted waggons.
+
+_Myself_.  Many thanks for your account of the great men of your country.
+
+_Hungarian_.  The great men of my country!  I have only told you of
+the--.  Well, I acknowledge that Almus and Arpad were great men, but
+Hungary has produced many greater; I will not trouble you by
+recapitulating all, but there is one name I cannot forbear
+mentioning--but you have heard it--even at Horncastle, the name of
+Hunyadi must be familiar.
+
+_Myself_.  It may be so, though I rather doubt it; but, however that may
+be, I confess my ignorance.  I have never, until this moment, heard of
+the name of Hunyadi.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Not of Hunyadi Janos, not of Hunyadi John--for the genius
+of our language compels us to put a man's Christian name after his other;
+perhaps you have heard of the name of Corvinus?
+
+_Myself_.  Yes, I have heard of the name of Corvinus.
+
+_Hungarian_.  By my God, I am glad of it; I thought our hammer of
+destruction, our thunderbolt, whom the Greeks called Achilles, must be
+known to the people of Horncastle.  Well, Hunyadi and Corvinus are the
+same.
+
+_Myself_.  Corvinus means the man of the crow, or raven.  I suppose that
+your John, when a boy, climbed up to a crow or raven's nest, and stole
+the young; a bold feat, well befitting a young hero.
+
+_Hungarian_.  By Isten, you are an acute guesser, a robbery there was,
+but it was not Hunyadi who robbed the raven, but the raven who robbed
+Hunyadi.
+
+_Myself_.  How was that?
+
+_Hungarian_.  In this manner: Hunyadi, according to tradition, was the
+son of King Sigmond, by a peasant's daughter.  The king saw and fell in
+love with her, whilst marching against the vaivode of Wallachia.  He had
+some difficulty in persuading her to consent to his wishes, and she only
+yielded at last, on the king making her a solemn promise that, in the
+event of her becoming with child by him, he would handsomely provide for
+her and the infant.  The king proceeded on his expedition; and on his
+returning in triumph from Wallachia, again saw the girl, who informed him
+that she was enceinte by him; the king was delighted with the
+intelligence, gave the girl money, and at the same time a ring,
+requesting her, if she brought forth a son, to bring the ring to Buda
+with the child, and present it to him.  When her time was up, the
+peasant's daughter brought forth a fair son, who was baptized by the name
+of John.  After some time the young woman communicated the whole affair
+to her elder brother, whose name was Gaspar, and begged him to convey her
+and the child to the king at Buda.  The brother consented, and both set
+out, taking the child with them.  On their way, the woman, wanting to
+wash her clothes, laid the child down, giving it the king's ring to play
+with.  A raven, who saw the glittering ring, came flying, and plucking it
+out of the child's hand, carried it up into a tree; the child suddenly
+began to cry, and the mother, hearing it, left her washing, and running
+to the child, forthwith missed the ring, but hearing the raven croak in
+the tree, she lifted up her eyes, and saw it with the ring in its beak.
+The woman, in great terror, called her brother, and told him what had
+happened, adding, that she durst not approach the king if the raven took
+away the ring.  Gaspar, seizing his cross-bow and quiver, ran to the
+tree, where the raven was yet with the ring, and discharged an arrow at
+it, but, being in a great hurry, he missed it; with his second shot he
+was more lucky, for he hit the raven in the breast, which, together with
+the ring, fell to the ground.  Taking up the ring, they went on their
+way, and shortly arrived at Buda.  One day, as the king was walking after
+dinner in his outer hall, the woman appeared before him with the child,
+and, showing him the ring, said, 'Mighty lord! behold this token! and
+take pity upon me and your own son.'  King Sigmond took the child and
+kissed it, and, after a pause, said to the mother, 'You have done right
+in bringing me the boy; I will take care of you, and make him a
+nobleman.'  The king was as good as his word, he provided for the mother,
+caused the boy to be instructed in knightly exercises, and made him a
+present of the town of Hunyad, in Transylvania, on which account he was
+afterwards called Hunyadi, and gave him, as an armorial sign, a raven
+bearing a ring in his beak.
+
+Such, O young man of Horncastle! is the popular account of the birth of
+the great captain of Hungary, as related by Florentius of Buda.  There
+are other accounts of his birth, which is, indeed, involved in much
+mystery, and of the reason of his being called Corvinus, but as this is
+the most pleasing, and is, upon the whole, founded on quite as good
+evidence as the others, I have selected it for recitation.
+
+_Myself_.  I heartily thank you, but you must tell me something more of
+Hunyadi.  You call him your great captain; what did he do?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Do! what no other man of his day could have done.  He broke
+the power of the Turk when he was coming to overwhelm Europe.  From the
+blows inflicted by Hunyadi, the Turk never thoroughly recovered; he has
+been frequently worsted in latter times, but none but Hunyadi could have
+routed the armies of Amurath and Mahomed the Second.
+
+_Myself_.  How was it that he had an opportunity of displaying his
+military genius?
+
+_Hungarian_.  I can hardly tell you, but his valour soon made him famous;
+King Albert made him Ban of Szorenyi.  He became eventually waivode of
+Transylvania, and Governor of Hungary.  His first grand action was the
+defeat of the Bashaw Isack; and though himself surprised and routed at
+St. Imre, he speedily regained his prestige by defeating the Turks, with
+enormous slaughter, killing their leader, Mezerbeg: and subsequently, at
+the Battle of the Iron Gates, he destroyed ninety thousand Turks, sent by
+Amurath to avenge the late disgrace.  It was then that the Greeks called
+him Achilles.
+
+_Myself_.  He was not always successful.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Who could be always successful against the early Turk?  He
+was defeated in the battle in which King Vladislaus lost his life, but
+his victories outnumbered his defeats threefold.  His grandest
+victory--perhaps the grandest ever achieved by man--was over the terrible
+Mahomed the Second, who, after the taking of Constantinople in 1453,
+said, 'One God in Heaven--one king on earth;' and marched to besiege
+Belgrade at the head of one hundred and fifty thousand men; swearing, by
+the beard of the prophet, 'That he would sup within it ere two months
+were elapsed.'  He brought with him dogs to eat the bodies of the
+Christians whom he should take or slay--so says Florentius.  Hear what he
+also says: The Turk sat down before the town towards the end of June,
+1454, covering the Dunau and Szava with ships; and on the 4th of July he
+began to cannonade Belgrade with canons twenty-five feet long, whose roar
+could be heard at Szeged, a distance of twenty-four leagues, at which
+place Hunyadi had assembled his forces.  Hunyadi had been able to raise
+only fifteen thousand of well-armed and disciplined men, though he had
+with him vast bands of people, who called themselves Soldiers of the
+Cross, but who consisted of inexperienced lads from school, peasants, and
+hermits, armed with swords, slings, and clubs.  Hunyadi, undismayed by
+the great disparity between his forces and those of the Turk, advanced to
+relieve Belgrade, and encamped at Szalankemen with his army.  There he
+saw at once, that his first step must be to attack the flotilla; he
+therefore privately informed Szilagy, his wife's brother, who at that
+time defended Belgrade, that it was his intention to attack the ships of
+the Turks on the 14th day of July in front, and requested his
+co-operation in the rear.  On the 14th came on the commencement of the
+great battle of Belgrade, between Hunyadi and the Turk.  Many days it
+lasted.
+
+_Myself_.  Describe it.
+
+_Hungarian_.  I cannot.  One has described it well--Florentius, of Buda.
+I can only repeat a few of his words: 'On the appointed day, Hunyadi,
+with two hundred vessels, attacked the Turkish flotilla in front, whilst
+Szilagy, with forty vessels, filled with the men of Belgrade, assailed it
+in the rear; striving for the same object, they sunk many of the Turkish
+vessels, captured seventy-four, burnt many, and utterly annihilated the
+whole fleet.  After this victory, Hunyadi, with his army, entered
+Belgrade, to the great joy of the Magyars.  But though the force of
+Mahomed upon the water was destroyed, that upon the land remained entire;
+and with this, during six days and nights, he attacked the city without
+intermission, destroying its walls in many parts.  His last and most
+desperate assault was made on the 21st day of July.  Twice did the Turks
+gain possession of the outer town, and twice was it retaken with
+indescribable slaughter.  The next day the combat raged without ceasing
+till mid-day, when the Turks were again beaten out of the town, and
+pursued by the Magyars to their camp.  There the combat was renewed, both
+sides displaying the greatest obstinacy, until Mahomed received a great
+wound over his left eye.  The Turks then, turning their faces, fled,
+leaving behind them three hundred cannon in the hands of the Christians,
+and more than twenty-four thousand slain on the field of battle.'
+
+_Myself_.  After that battle, I suppose Hunyadi enjoyed his triumphs in
+peace?
+
+_Hungarian_.  In the deepest, for he shortly died.  His great soul
+quitted his body, which was exhausted by almost superhuman exertions, on
+the 11th of August, 1456.  Shortly before he died, according to
+Florentius, a comet appeared, sent, as it would seem, to announce his
+coming end.  The whole Christian world mourned his loss.  The Pope
+ordered the cardinals to perform a funeral ceremony at Rome in his
+honour.  His great enemy himself grieved for him, and pronounced his
+finest eulogium.  When Mahomed the Second heard of his death, he struck
+his head for some time against the ground without speaking.  Suddenly he
+broke silence with these words, 'Notwithstanding he was my enemy, yet do
+I bewail his loss; since the sun has shone in heaven, no Prince had ever
+yet such a man.'
+
+_Myself_.  What was the name of his Prince?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Laszlo the Fifth; who, though under infinite obligations to
+Hunyadi, was anything but grateful to him; for he once consented to a
+plan which was laid to assassinate him, contrived by his mortal enemy
+Ulrik, Count of Cilejia; and after Hunyadi's death, caused his eldest
+son, Hunyadi Laszlo, to be executed on a false accusation, and imprisoned
+his younger son, Matyas, who, on the death of Laszlo, was elected by the
+Magyars to be their king, on the 24th of January, 1458.
+
+_Myself_.  Was this Matyas a good king?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Was Matyas Corvinus a good king?  O young man of
+Horncastle! he was the best and greatest that Hungary ever possessed,
+and, after his father, the most renowned warrior--some of our best laws
+were framed by him.  It was he who organized the Hussar force, and it was
+he who took Vienna.  Why does your Government always send fools to
+represent it at Vienna?
+
+_Myself_.  I really cannot say; but with respect to the Hussar force, is
+it of Hungarian origin?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Its name shows its origin.  Huz, in Hungarian, is twenty,
+and the Hussar force is so called because it is formed of twentieths.  A
+law was issued, by which it was ordered that every Hungarian nobleman,
+out of every twenty dependants, should produce a well-equipped horseman,
+and with him proceed to the field of battle.
+
+_Myself_.  Why did Matyas capture Vienna?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Because the Emperor Frederick took part against him with
+the King of Poland, who claimed the kingdom of Hungary for his son, and
+had also assisted the Turk.  He captured it in the year 1487, but did not
+survive his triumph long, expiring there in the year 1490.  He was so
+veracious a man, that it was said of him, after his death, 'Truth died
+with Matyas.'  It might be added, that the glory of Hungary departed with
+him.  I wish to say nothing more connected with Hungarian history.
+
+_Myself_.  Another word.  Did Matyas leave a son?
+
+_Hungarian_.  A natural son, Hunyadi John, called so after the great man.
+He would have been universally acknowledged as King of Hungary but for
+the illegitimacy of his birth.  As it was, Ulaszlo, the son of the King
+of Poland, afterwards called Ulaszlo the Second, who claimed Hungary as
+being descended from Albert, was nominated king by a great majority of
+the Magyar electors.  Hunyadi John for some time disputed the throne with
+him; there was some bloodshed, but Hunyadi John eventually submitted, and
+became the faithful captain of Ulaszlo, notwithstanding that the Turk
+offered to assist him with an army of two hundred thousand men.
+
+_Myself_.  Go on.
+
+_Hungarian_.  To what?  Tche Drak, to the Mohacs Veszedelem.  Ulaszlo
+left a son, Lajos the Second, born without skin, as it is said, certainly
+without a head.  He, contrary to the advice of all his wise
+counsellors--and amongst them was Batory Stephen, who became eventually
+King of Poland--engaged, with twenty-five thousand men, at Mohacs,
+Soliman the Turk, who had an army of two hundred thousand.  Drak! the
+Magyars were annihilated, King Lajos disappeared with his heavy horse and
+armour in a bog.  We call that battle, which was fought on the 29th of
+August, 1526, the destruction of Mohacs, but it was the destruction of
+Hungary.
+
+_Myself_.  You have twice used the word drak, what is the meaning of it?
+Is it Hungarian?
+
+_Hungarian_.  No! it belongs to the Mad Wallacks.  They are a nation of
+madmen on the other side of Transylvania.  Their country was formerly a
+fief of Hungary, like Moldavia, which is inhabited by the same race, who
+speak the same language, and are equally mad.
+
+_Myself_.  What language do they speak?
+
+_Hungarian_.  A strange mixture of Latin and Sclavonian--they themselves
+being a mixed race of Romans and Sclavonians.  Trajan sent certain
+legions to form military colonies in Dacia; and the present Wallacks and
+Moldavians are, to a certain extent, the descendants of the Roman
+soldiers, who married the women of the country, I say to a certain
+extent, for the Sclavonian element both in blood and language, seems to
+prevail.
+
+_Myself_.  And what is drak?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Dragon; which the Wallacks use for devil.  The term is
+curious, as it shows that the old Romans looked upon the dragon as an
+infernal being.
+
+_Myself_.  You have been in Wallachia?
+
+_Hungarian_.  I have, and glad I was to get out of it.  I hate the mad
+Wallacks.
+
+_Myself_.  Why do you call them mad?
+
+_Hungarian_.  They are always drinking or talking.  I never saw a
+Wallachian eating or silent.  They talk like madmen, and drink like
+madmen.  In drinking they use small phials, the contents of which they
+pour down their throats.  When I first went amongst them I thought the
+whole nation was under a course of physic, but the terrible jabber of
+their tongues soon undeceived me.  Drak was the first word I heard on
+entering Dacia, and the last when I left it.  The Moldaves, if possible,
+drink more, and talk more than the Wallachians.
+
+_Myself_.  It is singular enough that the only Moldavian I have known
+could not speak.  I suppose he was born dumb.
+
+_Hungarian_.  A Moldavian born dumb!  Excuse me, the thing is impossible;
+all Moldavians are born talking!  I have known a Moldavian who could not
+speak, but he was not born dumb.  His master, an Armenian, snipped off
+part of his tongue at Adrianople.  He drove him mad with his jabber.  He
+is now in London, where his master has a house.  I have letters of credit
+on the house: the clerk paid me money in London, the master was absent;
+the money which you received for the horse belonged to that house.
+
+_Myself_.  Another word with respect to Hungarian history.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Drak!  I wish to say nothing more about Hungarian history.
+
+_Myself_.  The Turk, I suppose, after Mohacs, got possession of Hungary?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Not exactly.  The Turk, upon the whole, showed great
+moderation; not so the Austrian.  Ferdinand the First claimed the crown
+of Hungary as being the cousin of Maria, widow of Lajos; he found too
+many disposed to support him.  His claim, however, was resisted by
+Zapolya John, a Hungarian magnate, who caused himself to be elected King.
+Hungary was for a long time devastated by the wars between the partisans
+of Zapolya and Ferdinand.  At last Zapolya called in the Turk.  Soliman
+behaved generously to him, and after his death befriended his young son,
+and Isabella his Queen.  Eventually the Turks became masters of
+Transylvania and the greater part of Hungary.  They were not bad masters,
+and had many friends in Hungary, especially amongst those of the reformed
+faith, to which I have myself the honour of belonging; those of the
+reformed faith found the Mufti more tolerant than the Pope.  Many
+Hungarians went with the Turks to the siege of Vienna, whilst Tekeli and
+his horsemen guarded Hungary for them.  A gallant enterprise, that siege
+of Vienna--the last great effort of the Turk.  It failed, and he speedily
+lost Hungary, but he did not sneak from Hungary like a frightened hound.
+His defence of Buda will not be soon forgotten, where Apty Basha, the
+governor, died fighting like a lion in the breach.  There's many a
+Hungarian would prefer Stamboul to Vienna.  Why does your Government
+always send fools to represent it at Vienna?
+
+_Myself_.  I have already told you that I cannot say.  What became of
+Tekeli?
+
+_Hungarian_.  When Hungary was lost he retired with the Turks into
+Turkey.  Count Renoncourt, in his Memoirs, mentions having seen him at
+Adrianople.  The Sultan, in consideration of the services which he had
+rendered to the Moslem in Hungary, made over the revenues of certain
+towns and districts for his subsistence.  The count says that he always
+went armed to the teeth, and was always attended by a young female
+dressed in male attire, who had followed him in his wars, and had more
+than once saved his life.  His end is wrapped in mystery, I--whose
+greatest boast, next to being a Hungarian, is to be of his blood--know
+nothing of his end.
+
+_Myself_.  Allow me to ask who you are.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Egy szegeny Magyar Nemes ember, a poor Hungarian nobleman,
+son of one yet poorer.  I was born in Transylvania, not far to the west
+of good Coloscvar.  I served some time in the Austrian army as a noble
+Hussar, but am now equerry to a great nobleman, to whom I am distantly
+related.  In his service I have travelled far and wide, buying horses.  I
+have been in Russia and Turkey, and am now at Horncastle, where I have
+had the satisfaction to meet with you, and to buy your horse, which is,
+in truth, a noble brute.
+
+_Myself_.  For a soldier and equerry you seem to know a great deal of the
+history of your country.
+
+_Hungarian_.  All I know is derived from Florentius of Buda, whom we call
+Budai Ferentz.  He was professor of Greek and Latin at the Reformed
+College of Debreczen, where I was educated; he wrote a work entitled
+'Magyar Polgari Lexicon,' Lives of Great Hungarian Citizens.  He was dead
+before I was born, but I found his book, when I was a child, in the
+solitary home of my father, which stood on the confines of a puszta, or
+wilderness, and that book I used to devour in winter nights when the
+winds were whistling around the house.  Oh! how my blood used to glow at
+the descriptions of Magyar valour, and likewise of Turkish; for
+Florentius has always done justice to the Turk.  Many a passage similar
+to this have I got by heart; it is connected with the battle on the plain
+of Rigo, which Hunyadi lost: 'The next day, which was Friday, as the two
+armies were drawn up in battle array, a Magyar hero, riding forth,
+galloped up and down, challenging the Turks to single combat.  Then came
+out to meet him the son of a renowned bashaw of Asia.  Rushing upon each
+other, both broke their lances, but the Magyar hero and his horse rolled
+over upon the ground, for the Turks had always the best horses.'  O young
+man of Horncastle! if ever you learn Hungarian--and learn it assuredly
+you will after what I have told you--read the book of Florentius of Buda,
+even if you go to Hungary to get it, for you will scarcely find it
+elsewhere, and even there with difficulty, for the book has been long out
+of print.  It describes the actions of the great men of Hungary down to
+the middle of the sixteenth century, and besides being written in the
+purest Hungarian, has the merit of having for its author a professor of
+the Reformed College at Debreczen.
+
+_Myself_.  I will go to Hungary rather than not read it.  I am glad that
+the Turk beat the Magyar.  When I used to read the ballads of Spain I
+always sided with the Moor against the Christian.
+
+_Hungarian_.  It was a drawn fight after all, for the terrible horse of
+the Turk presently flung his own master, whereupon the two champions
+returned to their respective armies; but in the grand conflict which
+ensued the Turks beat the Magyars, pursuing them till night, and striking
+them on the necks with their scymetars.  The Turk is a noble fellow; I
+should wish to be a Turk, were I not a Magyar.
+
+_Myself_.  The Turk always keeps his word, I am told.
+
+_Hungarian_.  Which the Christian very seldom does, and even the
+Hungarian does not always.  In 1444 Ulaszlo made, at Szeged, peace with
+Amurath for ten years, which he swore with an oath to keep, but at the
+instigation of the Pope Julian he broke it, and induced his great
+captain, Hunyadi John, to share in the perjury.  The consequence was the
+Battle of Varna, of the 10th of November, in which Hunyadi was routed,
+and Ulaszlo slain.  Did you ever hear his epitaph?  It is both solemn and
+edifying:
+
+    'Romulidae Cannas ego Varnam clade notavi;
+    Discite mortales non temerare fidem:
+    Me nisi Pontifices jussissent rumpere foedus
+    Non ferret Scythicum Pannonis ora jugum.'
+
+'Halloo!' said the jockey, starting up from a doze in which he had been
+indulging for the last hour, his head leaning upon his breast; 'what is
+that?  That's not high Dutch; I bargained for high Dutch, and I left you
+speaking what I believed to be high Dutch, as it sounded very much like
+the language of horses, as I have been told high Dutch does; but as for
+what you are speaking now, whatever you may call it, it sounds more like
+the language of another kind of animal.  I suppose you want to insult me
+because I was once a dicky-boy.'
+
+'Nothing of the kind,' said I.  'The gentleman was making a quotation in
+Latin.'
+
+'Latin, was it?' said the jockey; 'that alters the case.  Latin is
+genteel, and I have sent my eldest boy to an academy to learn it.  Come,
+let us hear you fire away in Latin,' he continued, proceeding to re-light
+his pipe, which before going to sleep he had laid on the table.
+
+'If you wish to follow the discourse in Latin,' said the Hungarian, in
+very bad English, 'I can oblige you; I learned to speak very good Latin
+in the College of Debreczen.'
+
+'That's more,' said I, 'than I have done in the colleges where I have
+been; in any little conversation which we may yet have I wish you would
+use German.'
+
+'Well,' said the jockey, taking a whiff, 'make your conversation as short
+as possible, whether in Latin or Dutch, for, to tell you the truth, I am
+rather tired of merely playing listener.'
+
+'You were saying you had been in Russia,' said I; 'I believe the Russians
+are part of the Sclavonian race.'
+
+_Hungarian_.  Yes, part of the great Sclavonian family; one of the most
+numerous races in the world.  The Russians themselves are very
+numerous--would that the Magyars could boast of the fifth part of their
+number!
+
+_Myself_.  What is the number of the Magyars?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Barely four millions.  We came a tribe of Tartars into
+Europe and settled down amongst Sclavonians, whom we conquered, but who
+never coalesced with us.  The Austrian at present plays in Pannonia the
+Sclavonian against us and us against the Sclavonian; but the downfall of
+the Austrian is at hand; they, like us, are not a numerous people.
+
+_Myself_.  Who will bring about his downfall?
+
+_Hungarian_.  The Russian.  The Rysckie Tsar will lead his people forth,
+all the Sclavonians will join him, he will conquer all before him.
+
+_Myself_.  Are the Russians good soldiers?
+
+_Hungarian_.  They are stubborn and unflinching to an astonishing degree,
+and their fidelity to their Tsar is quite admirable.  See how the
+Russians behaved at Plescova, in Livonia, in the old time, against our
+great Batory Stephen; they defended the place till it was a heap of
+rubbish, and mark how they behaved after they had been made prisoners.
+Stephen offered them two alternatives: to enter into his service, in
+which they would have good pay, clothing, and fair treatment; or to be
+allowed to return to Russia.  Without the slightest hesitation they, to a
+man, chose the latter, though well aware that their beloved Tsar, the
+cruel Ivan Basilowitt, would put them all to death, amidst tortures the
+most horrible, for not doing what was impossible--preserving the town.
+
+_Myself_.  You speak Russian?
+
+_Hungarian_.  A little.  I was born in the vicinity of a Sclavonian
+tribe; the servants of our house were Sclavonians, and I early acquired
+something of their language, which differs not much from that of Russia.
+When in that country I quickly understood what was said.
+
+_Myself_.  Have the Russians any literature?
+
+_Hungarian_.  Doubtless; but I am not acquainted with it, as I do not
+read their language; but I know something of their popular tales, to
+which I used to listen in their izbushkas; a principal personage in these
+is a creation quite original--called Baba Yaga.
+
+_Myself_.  Who is Baba Yaga? {245}
+
+_Hungarian_.  A female phantom, who is described as hurrying along the
+puszta, or steppe, in a mortar, pounding with a pestle at a tremendous
+rate, and leaving a long trace on the ground behind her with her tongue,
+which is three yards long, and with which she seizes any men and horses
+coming in her way, swallowing them down into her capacious belly.  She
+has several daughters, very handsome, and with plenty of money.  Happy
+the young Mujik who catches and marries one of them, for they make
+excellent wives.
+
+'Many thanks,' said I, 'for the information you have afforded me.  This
+is rather poor wine,' I observed as I poured out a glass.  'I suppose you
+have better wine in Hungary?'
+
+'Yes we have better wine in Hungary.  First of all there is Tokay, the
+most celebrated in the world, though I confess I prefer the wine of
+Eger--Tokay is too sweet.'
+
+'Have you ever been at Tokay?'
+
+'I have,' said the Hungarian.
+
+'What kind of place is Tokay?'
+
+'A small town situated on the Tyzza, a rapid river descending from the
+north; the Tokay Mountain is just behind the town, which stands on the
+right bank.  The top of the mountain is called Kopacs Teto, or the bald
+tip; the hill is so steep that during thunder-storms pieces of it
+frequently fall down upon the roofs of the houses.  It was planted with
+vines by King Lajos, who ascended the throne in the year 1342.  The best
+wine called Tokay is, however, not made at Tokay, but at Kassau, two
+leagues farther into the Carpathians, of which Tokay is a spur.  If you
+wish to drink the best Tokay, you must go to Vienna, to which place all
+the prime is sent.  For the third time I ask you, O young man of
+Horncastle! why does your Government always send fools to represent it at
+Vienna?'
+
+'And for the third time I tell you, O son of Almus! that I cannot say;
+perhaps, however, to drink the Tokay wine.  Fools, you know, always like
+sweet things.'
+
+'Good,' said the Hungarian; 'it must be so, and when I return to Hungary
+I will state to my countrymen your explanation of a circumstance which
+has frequently caused them great perplexity.  Oh! the English are a
+clever people, and have a deep meaning in all they do.  What a vision of
+deep policy opens itself to my view: they do not send their fool to
+Vienna in order to gape at processions, and to bow and scrape at a base
+Papist court, but to drink at the great dinners the celebrated Tokay of
+Hungary, which the Hungarians, though they do not drink it, are very
+proud of, and by doing so to intimate the sympathy which the English
+entertain for their fellow religionists of Hungary.  Oh! the English are
+a deep people.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+
+THE HORNCASTLE WELCOME--TZERNEBOCK AND BIELEBOCK
+
+The pipe of the Hungarian had, for some time past, exhibited considerable
+symptoms of exhaustion, little or no ruttling having been heard in the
+tube, and scarcely a particle of smoke, drawn through the syphon, having
+been emitted from the lips of the tall possessor.  He now rose from his
+seat, and going to a corner of the room, placed his pipe against the
+wall, then striding up and down the room, he cracked his fingers several
+times, exclaiming, in a half-musing manner, 'Oh, the deep nation, which,
+in order to display its sympathy for Hungary, sends its fool to Vienna,
+to drink the sweet wine of Tokay!'
+
+The jockey, having looked for some time at the tall figure with evident
+approbation, winked at me with that brilliant eye of his on which there
+was no speck, saying, 'Did you ever see a taller fellow?'
+
+'Never,' said I.
+
+'Or a finer?'
+
+'That's another question,' said I, 'which I am not so willing to answer;
+however, as I am fond of truth, and scorn to flatter, I will take the
+liberty of saying that I think I have seen a finer.'
+
+'A finer! where?' said the jockey; whilst the Hungarian, who appeared to
+understand what we said, stood still, and looked full at me.
+
+'Amongst a strange set of people,' said I, 'whom, if I were to name, you
+would, I dare say, only laugh at me.'
+
+'Who be they?' said the jockey.  'Come, don't be ashamed.  I have
+occasionally kept queerish company myself.'
+
+'The people whom we call gypsies,' said I; 'whom the Germans call
+Zigeuner, and who call themselves Romany chals.'
+
+'Zigeuner!' said the Hungarian.  'By Isten! I do know these people.'
+
+'Romany chals!' said the jockey; 'whew!  I begin to smell a rat.'
+
+'What do you mean by smelling a rat?' said I.
+
+'I'll bet a crown,' said the jockey, 'that you be the young chap what
+certain folks call "The Romany Rye."'
+
+'Ah!' said I, 'how came you to know that name?'
+
+'Be not you he?' said the jockey.
+
+'Why, I certainly have been called by that name.'
+
+'I could have sworn it,' said the jockey; then rising from his chair, he
+laid his pipe on the table, took a large hand-bell which stood on a
+sideboard, and going to the door, opened it, and commenced ringing in a
+most tremendous manner on the staircase.  The noise presently brought up
+a waiter, to whom the jockey vociferated, 'Go to your master, and tell
+him to send immediately three bottles of champagne, of the pink kind,
+mind you, which is twelve guineas a dozen.'  The waiter hurried away, and
+the jockey resumed his seat and his pipe.  I sat in silent astonishment
+till the waiter returned with a basket containing the wine, which, with
+three long glasses, he placed on the table.  The jockey then got up, and
+going to a large bow-window at the end of the room, which looked into a
+court-yard, peeped out; then saying, 'The coast is clear,' he shut down
+the principal sash, which was open for the sake of the air, and taking up
+a bottle of the champagne, he placed another in the hands of the
+Hungarian, to whom he said something in private.  The latter, who seemed
+to understand him, answered by a nod.  The two then going to the end of
+the table fronting the window, and about eight paces from it, stood
+before it, holding the bottles by their necks; suddenly the jockey lifted
+up his arm.  'Surely,' said I, 'you are not mad enough to fling that
+bottle through the window?'  'Here's to the Romany Rye: here's to the
+sweet master,' said the jockey, dashing the bottle through a pane in so
+neat a manner that scarcely a particle of glass fell into the room.
+
+'Eljen edes csigany ur--eljen gul eray!' said the Hungarian, swinging
+round his bottle, and discharging it at the window; but, either not
+possessing the jockey's accuracy of aim, or reckless of consequences, he
+flung his bottle so that it struck against part of the wooden setting of
+the panes, breaking along with the wood and itself three or four panes to
+pieces.  The crash was horrid, and wine and particles of glass flew back
+into the room, to the no small danger of its inmates.  'What do you think
+of that?' said the jockey.  'Were you ever so honoured before?'
+'Honoured!' said I.  'God preserve me in future from such honour;' and I
+put my finger to my cheek, which was slightly hurt by a particle of the
+glass.  'That's the way we of the cofrady honour great men at
+Horncastle,' said the jockey.  'What, you are hurt! never mind; all the
+better, your scratch shows that you are the body the compliment was paid
+to.'  'And what are you going to do with the other bottle?' said I.  'Do
+with it!' said the jockey, 'why, drink it, cosily and comfortably, whilst
+holding a little quiet talk.  The Romany Rye at Horncastle, what an
+idea!'
+
+'And what will the master of the house say to all this damage which you
+have caused him?'
+
+'What will your master say, William?' said the jockey to the waiter, who
+had witnessed the singular scene just described without exhibiting the
+slightest mark of surprise.  William smiled, and slightly shrugging his
+shoulders, replied, 'Very little, I dare say, sir; this ain't the first
+time your honour has done a thing of this kind.'  'Nor will it be the
+first time that I shall have paid for it,' said the jockey.  'Well, I
+shall have never paid for a certain item in the bill with more pleasure
+than I shall pay for it now.  Come, William, draw the cork, and let us
+taste the pink champagne.'
+
+The waiter drew the cork, and filled the glasses with a pinky liquor,
+which bubbled, hissed, and foamed.  'How do you like it?' said the
+jockey, after I had imitated the example of my companions by despatching
+my portion at a draught.
+
+'It is wonderful wine,' said I; 'I have never tasted champagne before,
+though I have frequently heard it praised; it more than answers my
+expectations; but, I confess, I should not wish to be obliged to drink it
+every day.'
+
+'Nor I,' said the jockey, 'for everyday drinking give me a glass of old
+port, or--'
+
+'Of hard old ale,' I interposed, 'which, according to my mind, is better
+than all the wine in the world.'
+
+'Well said, Romany Rye,' said the jockey.  'Just my own opinion; now,
+William, make yourself scarce.'
+
+The waiter withdrew, and I said to the jockey, 'How did you become
+acquainted with the Romany chals?'
+
+'I first became acquainted with them,' said the jockey, 'when I lived
+with old Fulcher the basket-maker, who took me up when I was adrift upon
+the world; I do not mean the present Fulcher, who is likewise called old
+Fulcher, but his father, who has been dead this many a year; while living
+with him in the caravan, I frequently met them in the green lanes, and of
+latter years I have had occasional dealings with them in the horse line.'
+
+'And the gypsies have mentioned me to you?' said I.
+
+'Frequently,' said the jockey, 'and not only those of these parts; why,
+there's scarcely a part of England in which I have not heard the name of
+the Romany Rye mentioned by these people.  The power you have over them
+is wonderful; that is, I should have thought it wonderful, had they not
+more than once told me the cause.'
+
+'And what is the cause?' said I, 'for I am sure I do not know.'
+
+'The cause is this,' said the jockey: 'they never heard a bad word
+proceed from your mouth, and never knew you do a bad thing.'
+
+'They are a singular people,' said I.
+
+'And what a singular language they have got,' said the jockey.
+
+'Do you know it?' said I.
+
+'Only a few words,' said the jockey, 'they were always chary in teaching
+me any.'
+
+'They were vary sherry to me too,' said the Hungarian, speaking in broken
+English; 'I only could learn from them half a dozen words, for example,
+gul eray, {250a} which, in the czigany of my country, means sweet
+gentleman; or edes ur in my own Magyar.'
+
+'Gudlo Rye, in the Romany of mine, means a sugar'd gentleman,' said I;
+'then there are gypsies in your country?'
+
+'Plenty,' said the Hungarian, speaking German, 'and in Russia and Turkey
+too; and wherever they are found, they are alike in their ways and
+language.  Oh, they are a strange race, and how little known!  I know
+little of them, but enough to say, that one horse-load of nonsense has
+been written about them; there is one Valter Scott--'
+
+'Mind what you say about him,' said I; 'he is our grand authority in
+matters of philology and history.'
+
+'A pretty philologist,' said the Hungarian, 'who makes the gypsies speak
+Roth-Welsch, {250b} the dialect of thieves; a pretty historian, who
+couples together Thor and Tzernebock.'
+
+'Where does he do that?' said I.
+
+'In his conceited romance of Ivanhoe he couples Thor and Tzernebock
+together, and calls them gods of the heathen Saxons.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'Thur or Thor was certainly a god of the heathen Saxons.'
+
+'True,' said the Hungarian; 'but why couple him with Tzernebock?
+Tzernebock was a word which your Valter had picked up somewhere without
+knowing the meaning.  Tzernebock was no god of the Saxons, but one of the
+gods of the Sclaves, on the southern side of the Baltic.  The Sclaves had
+two grand gods to whom they sacrificed, Tzernebock and Bielebock; that
+is, the black and white gods, who represented the powers of dark and
+light.  They were overturned by Waldemar, the Dane, the great enemy of
+the Sclaves; the account of whose wars you will find in one fine old
+book, written by Saxo Gramaticus, which I read in the library of the
+college of Debreczen.  The Sclaves, at one time, were masters of all the
+southern shore of the Baltic, where their descendants are still to be
+found, though they have lost their language, and call themselves Germans;
+but the word Zernevitz near Dantzic, still attests that the Sclavic
+language was once common in those parts.  Zernevitz means the thing of
+blackness, as Tzernebock means the god of blackness.  Prussia itself
+merely means, in Sclavish, Lower Russia.  There is scarcely a race or
+language in the world more extended than the Sclavic.  On the other side
+of the Dunau you will find the Sclaves and their language.  Czernavoda is
+Sclavic, and means black water; in Turkish, kara su; even as Tzernebock
+means black god; and Belgrade, or Belograd, means the white town; even as
+Bielebock, or Bielebog, means the white god.  Oh! he is one great
+ignorant, that Valter.  He is going, they say, to write one history about
+Napoleon.  I do hope that in his history he will couple his Thor and
+Tzernebock together.  By my God! it would be good diversion that.'
+
+'Walter Scott appears to be no particular favourite of yours,' said I.
+
+'He is not,' said the Hungarian; 'I hate him for his slavish principles.
+He wishes to see absolute power restored in this country, and Popery
+also; and I hate him because--what do you think?  In one of his novels,
+published a few months ago, he has the insolence to insult Hungary in the
+person of one of her sons.  He makes his great braggart, Cour de Lion,
+fling a Magyar over his head.  Ha! it was well for Richard that he never
+felt the grip of a Hungarian.  I wish the braggart could have felt the
+grip of me, who am "a' Magyarok kozt legkissebb," the least among the
+Magyars.  I do hate that Scott, and all his vile gang of Lowlanders and
+Highlanders.  The black corps, the fekete regiment of Matyjas Hunyadi,
+was worth all the Scots, high or low, that ever pretended to be soldiers;
+and would have sent them all headlong into the Black Sea, had they dared
+to confront it on its shores; but why be angry with an ignorant, who
+couples together Thor and Tzernebock?  Ha! ha!'
+
+'You have read his novels?' said I.
+
+'Yes, I read them now and then.  I do not speak much English, but I can
+read it well, and I have read some of his romances, and mean to read his
+Napoleon, in the hope of finding Thor and Tzernebock coupled together in
+it, as in his high-flying Ivanhoe.'
+
+'Come,' said the jockey, 'no more Dutch, whether high or low.  I am tired
+of it; unless we can have some English, I am off to bed.'
+
+'I should be very glad to hear some English,' said I; 'especially from
+your mouth.  Several things which you have mentioned have awakened my
+curiosity.  Suppose you give us your history?'
+
+'My history?' said the jockey.  'A rum idea! however, lest conversation
+should lag, I'll give it you.  First of all, however, a glass of
+champagne to each.'
+
+After we had each taken a glass of champagne, the jockey commenced his
+history.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+
+THE JOCKEY'S TALE--THIEVES' LATIN--LIBERTIES WITH COIN--THE SMASHER IN
+PRISON--OLD FULCHER--EVERY ONE HAS HIS GIFT--FASHION OF THE ENGLISH
+
+'My grandfather was a shorter, and my father was a smasher; the one was
+scragg'd, and the other lagg'd.'
+
+I here interrupted the jockey by observing that his discourse was, for
+the greater part, unintelligible to me.
+
+'I do not understand much English,' said the Hungarian, who, having
+replenished and resumed his mighty pipe, was now smoking away; 'but, by
+Isten, I believe it is the gibberish which that great ignorant Valther
+Scott puts into the mouth of the folks he calls gypsies.'
+
+'Something like it, I confess,' said I, 'though this sounds more genuine
+than his dialect, which he picked up out of the canting vocabulary at the
+end of the "English Rogue," {252} a book which, however despised, was
+written by a remarkable genius.  What do you call the speech you were
+using?' said I, addressing myself to the jockey.
+
+'Latin,' said the jockey, very coolly, 'that is, that dialect of it which
+is used by the light-fingered gentry.'
+
+'He is right,' said the Hungarian; 'it is what the Germans call
+Roth-Welsch: they call it so because there are a great many Latin words
+in it, introduced by the priests, who, at the time of the Reformation,
+being too lazy to work, and too stupid to preach, joined the bands of
+thieves and robbers who prowled about the county.  Italy, as you are
+aware, is called by the Germans Welschland, or the land of the Welschers;
+and I may add that Wallachia derives its name from a colony of Welschers
+which Trajan sent there.  Welsch and Wallack being one and the same word,
+and tantamount to Latin.'
+
+'I dare say you are right,' said I; 'but why was Italy termed
+Welschland?'
+
+'I do not know,' said the Hungarian.
+
+'Then I think I can tell you,' said I; 'it was called so because the
+original inhabitants were a Cimbric tribe, who were called Gwyltiad, that
+is, a race of wild people, living in coverts, who were of the same blood,
+and spoke the same language as the present inhabitants of Wales.  Welsh
+seems merely a modification of Gwyltiad.  Pray continue your history,'
+said I to the jockey, 'only please to do so in a language which we can
+understand, and first of all interpret the sentence with which you began
+it.'
+
+'I told you that my grandfather was a shorter,' said the jockey, 'by
+which is meant a gentleman who shortens or reduces the current coin of
+these realms, for which practice he was scragged, that is, hung by the
+scrag of the neck.  And when I said that my father was a smasher, I meant
+one who passes forged notes, thereby doing his best to smash the Bank of
+England; by being lagg'd, I meant he was laid fast, that is, had a chain
+put round his leg and then transported.'
+
+'Your explanations are perfectly satisfactory,' said I; 'the three first
+words are metaphorical, and the fourth, lagg'd, is the old genuine Norse
+term, lagda, which signifies laid, whether in durance, or in bed has
+nothing to do with the matter.  What you have told me confirms me in an
+opinion which I have long entertained, that thieves' Latin is a strange
+mysterious speech, formed of metaphorical terms, and words derived from
+various ancient languages.  Pray tell me, now, how the gentleman, your
+grandfather, contrived to shorten the coin of these realms?'
+
+'You shall hear,' said the jockey; 'but I have one thing to beg of you,
+which is, that when I have once begun my history you will not interrupt
+me with questions; I don't like them, they stops one, and puts one out of
+one's tale, and are not wanted.  For anything which I think can't be
+understood, I should myself explain, without being asked.  My grandfather
+reduced or shortened the coin of this country by three processes.  By
+aquafortis, by clipping, and by filing.  Filing and clipping he employed
+in reducing all kinds of coin, whether gold or silver; but aquafortis he
+used merely in reducing gold coin, whether guineas, jacobuses, or
+Portugal pieces, otherwise called moidores, which were at one time as
+current as guineas.  By laying a guinea in aquafortis for twelve hours he
+could filch from it to the value of ninepence, and by letting it remain
+there for twenty-four, to the value of eighteenpence, the aquafortis
+eating the gold away, and leaving it like a sediment in the vessel.  He
+was generally satisfied with taking the value of ninepence from a guinea,
+of eighteenpence from a jacobus or moidore, or half-a-crown from a broad
+Spanish piece, whether he reduced them by aquafortis, filing, or
+clipping.  From a five-shilling piece, which is called a bull in Latin,
+because it is round like a bull's head, he would file or clip to the
+value of five-pence, and from lesser coin in proportion.  He was
+connected with a numerous gang, or set, of people, who had given up their
+minds and talents entirely to shortening.'
+
+Here I interrupted the jockey.  'How singular,' said I, 'is the fall and
+debasement of words; you talk of a gang, or set of shorters; you are,
+perhaps, not aware that gang and set were, a thousand years ago, only
+connected with the great and Divine: they are ancient Norse words, which
+may be found in the heroic poems of the north, and in the Edda, a
+collection of mythologic and heroic songs.  In these poems we read that
+such and such a king invaded Norway with a gang of heroes, or so and
+so--for example, Erik Bloodaxe--was admitted to the set of gods; but at
+present gang and set are merely applied to the vilest of the vile, and
+the lowest of the low.  We say a gang of thieves and shorters, or a set
+of authors.  How touching is this debasement of words in the course of
+time!  It puts me in mind of the decay of old houses and names.  I have
+known a Mortimer who was a hedger and ditcher, a Berners who was born in
+a workhouse, and a descendant of the De Burghs, who bore the falcon,
+mending old kettles, and making horse and pony shoes in a dingle.'
+
+'Odd enough,' said the jockey; 'but you were saying you knew one
+Berners--man or woman? I would ask.'
+
+'A woman,' said I.
+
+'What might her Christian name be?' said the jockey.
+
+'It is not to be mentioned lightly,' said I, with a sigh.
+
+'I shouldn't wonder if it were Isopel,' said the jockey, with an arch
+glance of his one brilliant eye.
+
+'It was Isopel,' said I.  'Did you know Isopel Berners?'
+
+'Ay, and have reason to know her,' said the jockey, putting his hand into
+his left waistcoat-pocket, as if to feel for something, 'for she gave me
+what I believe few men could do--a most confounded wapping.  But now, Mr.
+Romany Rye, I have again to tell you that I don't like to be interrupted
+when I'm speaking, and to add that if you break in upon me a third time,
+you and I shall quarrel.'
+
+'Pray proceed with your story,' said I; 'I will not interrupt you again.'
+
+'Good!' said the jockey.  'Where was I?  Oh, with a set of people who had
+given up their minds to shortening!  Reducing the coin, though rather a
+lucrative, was a very dangerous, trade.  Coin filed felt rough to the
+touch; coin clipped could be easily detected by the eye; and as for coin
+reduced by aquafortis, it was generally so discoloured that, unless a
+great deal of pains was used to polish it, people were apt to stare at it
+in a strange manner, and to say, "What have they been doing to this here
+gold?"  My grandfather, as I said before, was connected with a gang of
+shorters, and sometimes shortened money, and at other times passed off
+what had been shortened by other gentry.
+
+'Passing off what had been shortened by others was his ruin; for once, in
+trying to pass off a broad piece which had been laid in aquafortis for
+four-and-twenty hours, and was very black, not having been properly
+rectified, he was stopped and searched, and other reduced coins being
+found about him and in his lodgings, he was committed to prison, tried,
+and executed.  He was offered his life, provided he would betray his
+comrades, but he told the big-wigs, who wanted him to do so, that he
+would see them farther first, and died at Tyburn, amidst the cheers of
+the populace, leaving my grandmother and father, to whom he had always
+been a kind husband and parent--for, setting aside the crime for which he
+suffered, he was a moral man--leaving them, I say, to bewail his
+irreparable loss.
+
+''Tis said that misfortune never comes alone; this is, however, not
+always the case.  Shortly after my grandfather's misfortune, as my
+grandmother and her son were living in great misery in Spitalfields, her
+only relation--a brother from whom she had been estranged some years, on
+account of her marriage with my grandfather, who had been in an inferior
+station to herself--died, leaving all his property to her and the child.
+This property consisted of a farm of about a hundred acres, with its
+stock and some money besides.  My grandmother, who knew something of
+business, instantly went into the country, where she farmed the property
+for her own benefit and that of her son, to whom she gave an education
+suitable to a person in his condition, till he was old enough to manage
+the farm himself.  Shortly after the young man came of age, my
+grandmother died, and my father, in about a year, married the daughter of
+a farmer, from whom he expected some little fortune, but who very much
+deceived him, becoming a bankrupt almost immediately after the marriage
+of his daughter, and himself and family going to the workhouse.
+
+'My mother, however, made my father an excellent wife; and if my father
+in the long run did not do well, it was no fault of hers.  My father was
+not a bad man by nature, he was of an easy, generous temper--the most
+unfortunate temper, by-the-by, for success in this life that any person
+can be possessed of, as those who have it are almost sure to be made
+dupes of by the designing.  But, though easy and generous, he was
+anything but a fool; he had a quick and witty tongue of his own when he
+chose to exert it, and woe be to those who insulted him openly, for there
+was not a better boxer in the whole country round.  My parents were
+married several years before I came into the world, who was their first
+and only child.  I may be called an unfortunate creature; I was born with
+this beam or scale on my left eye, which does not allow me to see with
+it; and though I can see tolerably sharply with the other, indeed more
+than most people can with both of theirs, it is a great misfortune not to
+have two eyes like other people.  Moreover, setting aside the affair of
+my eye, I had a very ugly countenance; my mouth being slightly wrung
+aside, and my complexion rather swarthy.  In fact, I looked so queer that
+the gossips and neighbours, when they first saw me, swore I was a
+changeling--perhaps it would have been well if I had never been born; for
+my poor father, who had been particularly anxious to have a son, no
+sooner saw me than he turned away, went to the neighbouring town, and did
+not return for two days.  I am by no means certain that I was not the
+cause of his ruin, for till I came into the world he was fond of his
+home, and attended much to business, but afterwards he went frequently
+into company, and did not seem to care much about his affairs: he was,
+however, a kind man, and when his wife gave him advice never struck her,
+nor do I ever remember that he kicked me when I came in his way, or so
+much as cursed my ugly face, though it was easy to see that he didn't
+over like me.  When I was six years old I was sent to the village-school,
+where I was soon booked for a dunce, because the master found it
+impossible to teach me either to read or write.  Before I had been at
+school two years, however, I had beaten boys four years older than
+myself, and could fling a stone with my left hand (for if I am right-eyed
+I am left-handed) higher and farther than any one in the parish.
+Moreover, no boy could equal me at riding, and no people ride so well or
+desperately as boys.  I could ride a donkey--a thing far more difficult
+to ride than a horse--at full gallop over hedges and ditches, seated or
+rather floating upon his hinder part,--so though anything but clever, as
+this here Romany Rye would say, I was yet able to do things which few
+other people could do.  By the time I was ten my father's affairs had got
+into a very desperate condition, for he had taken to gambling and
+horse-racing, and, being unsuccessful, had sold his stock, mortgaged his
+estate, and incurred very serious debts.  The upshot was, that within a
+little time all he had was seized, himself imprisoned, and my mother and
+myself put into a cottage belonging to the parish, which, being very cold
+and damp, was the cause of her catching a fever, which speedily carried
+her off.  I was then bound apprentice to a farmer, in whose service I
+underwent much coarse treatment, cold and hunger.
+
+'After lying in prison near two years, my father was liberated by an Act
+for the benefit of insolvent debtors; he was then lost sight of for some
+time, at last, however, he made his appearance in the neighbourhood
+dressed like a gentleman, and seemingly possessed of plenty of money.  He
+came to see me, took me into a field, and asked me how I was getting on.
+I told him I was dreadfully used, and begged him to take me away with
+him; he refused, and told me to be satisfied with my condition, for that
+he could do nothing for me.  I had a great love for my father, and
+likewise a great admiration for him on account of his character as a
+boxer, the only character which boys in general regard, so I wished much
+to be with him, independently of the dog's life I was leading where I
+was; I therefore said if he would not take me with him, I would follow
+him; he replied that I must do no such thing, for that if I did, it would
+be my ruin.  I asked him what he meant, but he made no reply, only saying
+that he would go and speak to the farmer.  Then taking me with him he
+went to the farmer and in a very civil manner said that he understood I
+had not been very kindly treated by him, but he hoped that in future I
+should be used better.  The farmer answered in a surly tone, that I had
+been only too well treated, for that I was a worthless young scoundrel;
+high words ensued, and the farmer, forgetting the kind of man he had to
+deal with, checked him with my grandsire's misfortune, and said he
+deserved to be hanged like his father.  In a moment my father knocked him
+down, and on his getting up gave him a terrible beating, then taking me
+by the hand he hastened away; as we were going down a lane he said we
+were now both done for: "I don't care a straw for that, father," said I,
+"provided I be with you."  My father took me to the neighbouring town,
+and going into the yard of a small inn, he ordered out a pony and light
+cart which belonged to him, then paying his bill, he told me to mount
+upon the seat, and getting up drove away like lightning; we drove for at
+least six hours without stopping, till we came to a cottage by the side
+of a heath; we put the pony and cart into a shed and went into the
+cottage, my father unlocking the door with a key which he took out of his
+pocket; there was nobody in the cottage when we arrived, but shortly
+after there came a man and woman, and then some more people, and by ten
+o'clock at night there were a dozen of us in the cottage.  The people
+were companions of my father.  My father began talking to them in Latin,
+but I did not understand much of the discourse, though I believe it was
+about myself, as their eyes were frequently turned to me.  Some
+objections appeared to be made to what he said; however, all at last
+seemed to be settled, and we all sat down to some food.  After that all
+the people got up and went away, with the exception of the woman, who
+remained with my father and me.  The next day my father also departed,
+leaving me with the woman, telling me before he went that she would teach
+me some things which it behoved me to know.  I remained with her in the
+cottage upwards of a week; several of those who had been there coming and
+going.  The woman, after making me take an oath to be faithful, told me
+that the people whom I had seen were a gang who got their livelihood by
+passing forged notes, and that my father was a principal man amongst
+them, adding, that I must do my best to assist them.  I was a poor
+ignorant child at that time, and I made no objection, thinking that
+whatever my father did must be right; the woman then gave me some
+instructions in the smasher's dialect of the Latin language.  I made
+great progress, because for the first time in my life, I paid great
+attention to my lessons.  At last my father returned, and, after some
+conversation with the woman, took me away in his cart.  I shall be very
+short about what happened to my father and myself during two years.  My
+father did his best to smash the Bank of England by passing forged notes,
+and I did my best to assist him.  We attended races and fairs in all
+kinds of disguises; my father was a first-rate hand at a disguise, and
+could appear of all ages from twenty to fourscore; he was, however,
+grabbed at last.  He had said, as I have told you, that he should be my
+ruin, but I was the cause of his, and all owing to the misfortune of this
+here eye of mine.  We came to this very place of Horncastle, where my
+father purchased two horses of a young man, paying for them with three
+forged notes, purporting to be Bank of Englanders of fifty pounds each,
+and got the young man to change another of the like amount; he at that
+time appeared as a respectable dealer, and I as his son, as I really was.
+
+'As soon as we had got the horses, we conveyed them to one of the places
+of call belonging to our gang, of which there were several.  There they
+were delivered into the hands of one of our companions, who speedily sold
+them in a distant part of the country.  The sum which they fetched--for
+the gang kept very regular accounts--formed an important item on the next
+day of sharing, of which there were twelve in the year.  The young man,
+whom my father had paid for the horses with his smashing notes, was soon
+in trouble about them, and ran some risk, as I have heard, of being
+executed; but he bore a good character, told a plain story, and, above
+all, had friends, and was admitted to bail; to one of his friends he
+described my father and myself.  This person happened to be at an inn in
+Yorkshire, where my father, disguised as a Quaker, attempted to pass a
+forged note.  The note was shown to this individual, who pronounced it a
+forgery, it being exactly similar to those for which the young man had
+been in trouble, and which he had seen.  My father, however, being
+supposed a respectable man, because he was dressed as a Quaker--the very
+reason, by-the-by, why anybody who knew aught of the Quakers would have
+suspected him to be a rogue--would have been let go, had I not made my
+appearance, dressed as his footboy.  The friend of the young man looked
+at my eye, and seized hold of my father, who made a desperate resistance,
+I assisting him, as in duty bound.  Being, however, overpowered by
+numbers, he bade me by a look, and a word or two in Latin, to make myself
+scarce.  Though my heart was fit to break, I obeyed my father, who was
+speedily committed.  I followed him to the county town in which he was
+lodged, where shortly after I saw him tried, convicted, and condemned.  I
+then, having made friends with the jailor's wife, visited him in his
+cell, where I found him very much cast down.  He said, that my mother had
+appeared to him in a dream, and talked to him about a resurrection and
+Christ Jesus; there was a Bible before him, and he told me the chaplain
+had just been praying with him.  He reproached himself much, saying, he
+was afraid he had been my ruin, by teaching me bad habits.  I told him
+not to say any such thing, for that I had been the cause of his, owing to
+the misfortune of my eye.  He begged me to give over all unlawful
+pursuits, saying, that if persisted in, they were sure of bringing a
+person to destruction.  I advised him to try and make his escape;
+proposing, that when the turnkey came to let me out, he should knock him
+down, and fight his way out, offering to assist him; showing him a small
+saw, with which one of our companions, who was in the neighbourhood, had
+provided me, and with which he could have cut through his fetters in five
+minutes; but he told me he had no wish to escape, and was quite willing
+to die.  I was rather hard at that time; I am not very soft now; and I
+felt rather ashamed of my father's want of what I called spirit.  He was
+not executed after all; for the chaplain, who was connected with a great
+family, stood his friend, and got his sentence commuted, as they call it,
+to transportation; and in order to make the matter easy, he induced my
+father to make some valuable disclosures with respect to the smasher's
+system.  I confess that I would have been hanged before I would have done
+so, after having reaped the profit of it; that is, I think so now, seated
+comfortably in my inn, with my bottle of champagne before me.  He,
+however, did not show himself carrion; he would not betray his
+companions, who had behaved very handsomely to him, having given the son
+of a lord, a great barrister, not a hundred-pound forged bill, but a
+hundred hard guineas, to plead his cause, and another ten, to induce him,
+after pleading, to put his hand to his breast, and say, that, upon his
+honour, he believed the prisoner at the bar to be an honest and injured
+man.  No: I am glad to be able to say, that my father did not show
+himself exactly carrion, though I could almost have wished he had let
+himself--.  However, I am here with my bottle of champagne and the Romany
+Rye, and he was in his cell, with bread and water and the prison
+chaplain.  He took an affectionate leave of me before he was sent away,
+giving me three out of five guineas, all the money he had left.  He was a
+kind man, but not exactly fitted to fill my grandfather's shoes.  I
+afterwards learned that he died of fever, as he was being carried across
+the sea.
+
+'During the 'sizes, I had made acquaintance with old Fulcher.  I was in
+the town on my father's account, and he was there on his son's, who,
+having committed a small larceny, was in trouble.  Young Fulcher,
+however, unlike my father, got off, though he did not give the son of a
+lord a hundred guineas to speak for him, and ten more to pledge his
+sacred honour for his honesty, but gave Counsellor P--- one-and-twenty
+shillings to defend him, who so frightened the principal evidence, a
+plain honest farming man, that he flatly contradicted what he had first
+said, and at last acknowledged himself to be all the rogues in the world,
+and, amongst other things, a perjured villain.  Old Fulcher, before he
+left the town with his son--and here it will be well to say that he and
+his son left it in a kind of triumph, the base drummer of a militia
+regiment, to whom they had given half-a-crown, beating his drum before
+them--old Fulcher, I say, asked me to go and visit him, telling me where,
+at such a time, I might find him and his caravan and family; offering, if
+I thought fit, to teach me basket-making: so, after my father had been
+sent off, I went and found up old Fulcher, and became his apprentice in
+the basket-making line.  I stayed with him till the time of his death,
+which happened in about three months, travelling about with him and his
+family, and living in green lanes, where we saw gypsies and trampers, and
+all kinds of strange characters.  Old Fulcher, besides being an
+industrious basket-maker, was an out and out thief, as was also his son,
+and, indeed, every member of his family.  They used to make baskets
+during the day, and thieve during a great part of the night.  I had not
+been with them twelve hours, before old Fulcher told me that I must
+thieve as well as the rest.  I demurred at first, for I remembered the
+fate of my father, and what he had told me about leaving off bad courses,
+but soon allowed myself to be over-persuaded; more especially as the
+first robbery I was asked to do was a fruit robbery.  I was to go with
+young Fulcher, and steal some fine Morell cherries, which grew against a
+wall in a gentleman's garden; so young Fulcher and I went and stole the
+cherries, one half of which we ate, and gave the rest to the old man, who
+sold them to a fruiterer ten miles off from the place where we had stolen
+them.  The next night old Fulcher took me out with himself.  He was a
+great thief, though in a small way.  He used to say, that they were
+fools, who did not always manage to keep the rope below their shoulders,
+by which he meant, that it was not advisable to commit a robbery or do
+anything which could bring you to the gallows.  He was all for petty
+larceny, and knew where to put his hand upon any little thing in England,
+which it was possible to steal.  I submit it to the better judgment of
+the Romany Rye, who I see is a great hand for words and names, whether he
+ought not to have been called old Filcher, instead of Fulcher.  I shan't
+give a regular account of the larcenies which he committed during the
+short time I knew him, either alone by himself, or with me and his son.
+I shall merely relate the last.
+
+'A melancholy gentleman, who lived a very solitary life, had a large carp
+in a shady pond in a meadow close to his house: he was exceedingly fond
+of it, and used to feed it with his own hand, the creature being so tame
+that it would put its snout out of the water to be fed when it was
+whistled to; feeding and looking at his carp were the only pleasures the
+poor melancholy gentleman possessed.  Old Fulcher--being in the
+neighbourhood, and having an order from a fishmonger for a large fish,
+which was wanted at a great city dinner, at which His Majesty was to be
+present--swore he would steal the carp, and asked me to go with him.  I
+had heard of the gentleman's fondness for his creature, and begged him to
+let it be, advising him to go and steal some other fish; but old Fulcher
+swore, and said he would have the carp, although its master should hang
+himself; I told him he might go by himself, but he took his son and stole
+the carp, which weighed seventeen pounds.  Old Fulcher got thirty
+shillings for the carp, which I afterwards heard was much admired and
+relished by His Majesty.  The master, however, of the carp, on losing his
+favourite, became more melancholy than ever, and in a little time hanged
+himself.  "What's sport for one, is death to another," I once heard at
+the village-school read out of a copy-book.
+
+'This was the last larceny old Fulcher ever committed.  He could keep his
+neck always out of the noose, but he could not always keep his leg out of
+the trap.  A few nights after, having removed to a distance, he went to
+an osier car in order to steal some osiers for his basket-making, for he
+never bought any.  I followed a little way behind.  Old Fulcher had
+frequently stolen osiers out of the car, whilst in the neighbourhood, but
+during his absence the property, of which the car was part, had been let
+to a young gentleman, a great hand for preserving game.  Old Fulcher had
+not got far into the car before he put his foot into a man-trap.  Hearing
+old Fulcher shriek, I ran up, and found him in a dreadful condition.
+Putting a large stick which I carried into the jaws of the trap, I
+contrived to prize them open, and get old Fulcher's leg out, but the leg
+was broken.  So I ran to the caravan, and told young Fulcher of what had
+happened, and he and I went and helped his father home.  A doctor was
+sent for, who said that it was necessary to take the leg off, but old
+Fulcher, being very much afraid of pain, said it should not be taken off,
+and the doctor went away, but after some days, old Fulcher becoming
+worse, ordered the doctor to be sent for, who came and took off his leg,
+but it was then too late, mortification had come on, and in a little time
+old Fulcher died.
+
+'Thus perished old Fulcher; he was succeeded in his business by his son,
+young Fulcher, who, immediately after the death of his father, was called
+old Fulcher, it being our English custom to call everybody old, as soon
+as their fathers are buried; young Fulcher--I mean he who had been called
+young, but was now old Fulcher--wanted me to go out and commit larcenies
+with him; but I told him that I would have nothing more to do with
+thieving, having seen the ill effects of it, and that I should leave them
+in the morning.  Old Fulcher begged me to think better of it, and his
+mother joined with him.  They offered, if I would stay, to give me Mary
+Fulcher as a mort, {264} till she and I were old enough to be regularly
+married, she being the daughter of the one, and the sister of the other.
+I liked the girl very well, for she had been always civil to me, and had
+a fair complexion and nice red hair, both of which I like, being a bit of
+a black myself; but I refused, being determined to see something more of
+the world than I could hope to do with the Fulchers, and, moreover, to
+live honestly, which I could never do along with them.  So the next
+morning I left them: I was, as I said before, quite determined upon an
+honest livelihood, and I soon found one.  He is a great fool who is ever
+dishonest in England.  Any person who has any natural gift, and everybody
+has some natural gift, is sure of finding encouragement in this noble
+country of ours, provided he will but exhibit it.  I had not walked more
+than three miles before I came to a wonderfully high church steeple,
+which stood close by the road; I looked at the steeple, and going to a
+heap of smooth pebbles which lay by the roadside, I took up some, and
+then went into the churchyard, and placing myself just below the tower,
+my right foot resting on a ledge, about two foot from the ground, I, with
+my left hand--being a left-handed person do you see--flung or chucked up
+a stone, which lighting on the top of the steeple, which was at least a
+hundred and fifty feet high, did there remain.  After repeating this feat
+two or three times, I "hulled" up a stone, which went clean over the
+tower, and then one, my right foot still on the ledge, which rising at
+least five yards above the steeple, did fall down just at my feet.
+Without knowing it, I was showing off my gift to others besides myself,
+doing what, perhaps, not five men in England could do.  Two men, who were
+passing by, stopped and looked at my proceedings, and when I had done
+flinging came into the churchyard, and, after paying me a compliment on
+what they had seen me do, proposed that I should join company with them;
+I asked them who they were, and they told me.  The one was Hopping Ned,
+and the other Biting Giles.  Both had their gifts, by which they got
+their livelihood; Ned could hop a hundred yards with any man in England,
+and Giles could lift up with his teeth any dresser or kitchen-table in
+the country, and, standing erect, hold it dangling in his jaws.  There's
+many a big oak table and dresser, in certain districts of England, which
+bear the marks of Giles's teeth; and I make no doubt that, a hundred or
+two years hence, there'll be strange stories about those marks, and that
+people will point them out as a proof that there were giants in bygone
+time, and that many a dentist will moralize on the decays which human
+teeth have undergone.
+
+'They wanted me to go about with them, and exhibit my gift occasionally,
+as they did theirs, promising that the money that was got by the
+exhibitions should be honestly divided.  I consented, and we set off
+together, and that evening coming to a village, and putting up at the
+ale-house, all the grand folks of the village being there smoking their
+pipes, we contrived to introduce the subject of hopping--the upshot being
+that Ned hopped against the schoolmaster for a pound, and beat him
+hollow; shortly after, Giles, for a wager, took up the kitchen table in
+his jaws, though he had to pay a shilling to the landlady for the marks
+he left, whose grandchildren will perhaps get money by exhibiting them.
+As for myself, I did nothing that day, but the next, on which my
+companions did nothing, I showed off at hulling stones against a cripple,
+the crack man for stone throwing, of a small town, a few miles farther
+on.  Bets were made to the tune of some pounds; I contrived to beat the
+cripple, and just contrived; for to do him justice I must acknowledge he
+was a first-rate hand at stones, though he had a game hip, and went
+sideways; his head, when he walked--if his movements could be called
+walking--not being above three feet above the ground.  So we travelled, I
+and my companions, showing off our gifts, Giles and I occasionally for a
+gathering, but Ned never hopping unless against somebody for a wager.  We
+lived honestly and comfortably, making no little money by our natural
+endowments, and were known over a great part of England as "Hopping Ned,"
+"Biting Giles," and "Hull over the head Jack," which was my name, it
+being the blackguard fashion of the English, do you see, to--'
+
+Here I interrupted the jockey, 'You may call it a blackguard fashion,'
+said I, 'and I dare say it is, or it would scarcely be English; but it is
+an immensely ancient one, and is handed down to us from our northern
+ancestry, especially the Danes, who were in the habit of giving people
+surnames, or rather nicknames, from some quality of body or mind, but
+generally from some disadvantageous peculiarity of feature; for there is
+no denying that the English, Norse, or whatever we may please to call
+them, are an envious depreciatory set of people, who not only give their
+poor comrades contemptuous surnames, but their great people also.  They
+didn't call you the matchless Hurler, because, by doing so, they would
+have paid you a compliment, but Hull over the head Jack, as much as to
+say that after all you were a scrub: so, in ancient time, instead of
+calling Regner the great conqueror, the Nation Tamer, they surnamed him
+Lodbrog, which signifies Rough or Hairy Breeks--lod or loddin signifying
+rough or hairy; and instead of complimenting Halgerdr, the wife of Gunnar
+of Hlitharend, the great champion of Iceland, upon her majestic presence,
+by calling her Halgerdr, the stately or tall; what must they do but term
+her Ha-brokr, or High Breeks, it being the fashion in old times for
+Northern ladies to wear breeks, or breeches, which English ladies of the
+present day never think of doing; and just, as of old, they called
+Halgerdr Long-breeks, so this very day a fellow of Horncastle called, in
+my hearing, our noble-looking Hungarian friend here, Long-stockings.  Oh,
+I could give you a hundred instances, both ancient and modern, of this
+unseemly propensity of our illustrious race, though I will only trouble
+you with a few more ancient ones; they not only nicknamed Regner, but his
+sons also, who were all kings, and distinguished men: one, whose name was
+Biorn, they nicknamed Ironsides; another Sigurd, Snake in the Eye;
+another, White Sark, or White Shirt--I wonder they did not call him Dirty
+Shirt, and Ivarr, another, who was King of Northumberland, they called
+Beinlausi, or the Legless, because he was spindle-shanked, had no sap in
+his bones, and consequently no children.  He was a great king, it is
+true, and very wise, nevertheless his blackguard countrymen, always
+averse, as their descendants are, to give credit to anybody, for any
+valuable quality or possession, must needs lay hold, do you see--'
+
+But before I could say any more, the jockey, having laid down his pipe,
+rose, and having taken off his coat, advanced towards me.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+
+A SHORT-TEMPERED PERSON--GRAVITATION--THE BEST ENDOWMENT--MARY
+FULCHER--FAIR DEALING--HORSE-WITCHERY--DARIUS AND HIS GROOM--THE JOCKEY'S
+TRICKS--THE TWO CHARACTERS--THE JOCKEY'S SONG
+
+The jockey, having taken off his coat and advanced towards me, as I have
+stated in the preceding chapter, exclaimed, in an angry tone, 'This is
+the third time you have interrupted me in my tale, Mr. Rye; I passed over
+the two first times with a simple warning, but you will now please to get
+up and give me the satisfaction of a man.'
+
+'I am really sorry,' said I, 'if I have given you offence, but you were
+talking of our English habit of bestowing nicknames, and I could not
+refrain from giving a few examples tending to prove what a very ancient
+habit it is.'
+
+'But you interrupted me,' said the jockey, 'and put me out of my tale,
+which you had no right to do; and as for your examples, how do you know
+that I wasn't going to give some as old or older than yourn.  Now stand
+up, and I'll make an example of you.'
+
+'Well,' said I, 'I confess it was wrong in me to interrupt you, and I ask
+your pardon.'
+
+'That won't do,' said the jockey, 'asking pardon won't do.'
+
+'Oh,' said I, getting up, 'if asking pardon does not satisfy you, you are
+a different man from what I considered you.'
+
+But here the Hungarian, also getting up, interposed his tall form and
+pipe between us, saying in English, scarcely intelligible, 'Let there be
+no dispute!  As for myself, I am very much obliged to the young man of
+Horncastle for his interruption, though he has told me that one of his
+dirty townsmen called me "Long-stockings."  By Isten! there is more
+learning in what he has just said, than in all the verdammt English
+histories of Thor and Tzernebock I ever read.'
+
+'I care nothing for his learning,' said the jockey.  'I consider myself
+as good a man as he, for all his learning; so stand out of the way, Mr.
+Sixfoot-eleven, or--'
+
+'I shall do no such thing,' said the Hungarian.  'I wonder you are not
+ashamed of yourself.  You ask young man to drink champagne with you, you
+make him dronk, he interrupt you with very good sense; he ask your
+pardon, yet you not--'
+
+'Well,' said the jockey, 'I am satisfied.  I am rather a short-tempered
+person, but I bear no malice.  He is, as you say, drinking my wine, and
+has perhaps taken a drop too much, not being used to such high liquor;
+but one doesn't like to be put out of one's tale, more especially when
+one was about to moralize, do you see, oneself, and to show off what
+little learning one has.  However, I bears no malice.  Here is a hand to
+each of you: we'll take another glass each, and think no more about it.'
+
+The jockey having shaken both of our hands, and filled our glasses and
+his own with what champagne remained in the bottle, put on his coat, sat
+down, and resumed his pipe and story.
+
+'Where was I?  Oh, roaming about the country with Hopping Ned and Biting
+Giles.  Those were happy days, and a merry and prosperous life we led.
+However, nothing continues under the sun in the same state in which it
+begins, and our firm was soon destined to undergo a change.  We came to a
+village where there was a very high church steeple, and in a little time
+my comrades induced a crowd of people to go and see me display my gift by
+flinging stones above the heads of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, who
+stood at the four corners on the top, carved in stone.  The parson,
+seeing the crowd, came waddling out of his rectory to see what was going
+on.  After I had flung up the stones, letting them fall just were I
+liked--and one, I remember, fell on the head of Mark, where I dare say it
+remains to the present day--the parson, who was one of the description of
+people called philosophers, held up his hand, and asked me to let the
+next stone I flung up fall into it.  He wished, do you see, to know with
+what weight the stone would fall down, and talked something about
+gravitation--a word which I could never understand to the present day,
+save that it turned out a grave matter to me.  I, like a silly fellow
+myself, must needs consent, and, flinging the stone up to a vast height,
+contrived so that it fell into the parson's hand, which it cut
+dreadfully.  The parson flew into a great rage, more particularly as
+everybody laughed at him, and, being a magistrate, ordered his clerk, who
+was likewise constable, to conduct me to prison as a rogue and a
+vagabond, telling my comrades that if they did not take themselves off,
+he would serve them in the same manner.  So Ned hopped off, and Giles ran
+after him, without making any gathering, and I was led to Bridewell, my
+mittimus following at the end of a week, the parson's hand not permitting
+him to write before that time.  In the Bridewell I remained a month,
+when, being dismissed, I went in quest of my companions, whom, after some
+time, I found up, but they refused to keep my company any longer; telling
+me that I was a dangerous character, likely to bring them more trouble
+than profit; they had, moreover, filled up my place.  Going into a
+cottage to ask for a drink of water, they saw a country fellow making
+faces to amuse his children; the faces were so wonderful that Hopping Ned
+and Biting Giles at once proposed taking him into partnership, and the
+man--who was a fellow not very fond of work--after a little entreaty,
+went away with them.  I saw him exhibit his gift, and couldn't blame the
+others for preferring him to me; he was a proper ugly fellow at all
+times, but when he made faces his countenance was like nothing human.  He
+was called Ugly Moses.  I was so amazed at his faces, that though poor
+myself I gave him sixpence, which I have never grudged to this day, for I
+never saw anything like them.  The firm throve wonderfully after he had
+been admitted into it.  He died some little time ago, keeper of a
+public-house, which he had been enabled to take from the profits of his
+faces.  A son of his, one of the children he was making faces to when my
+comrades entered his door, is at present a barrister, and a very rising
+one.  He has his gift--he has not, it is true, the gift of the gab, but
+he has something better, he was born with a grin on his face, a quiet
+grin; he would not have done to grin through a collar like his father,
+and would never have been taken up by Hopping Ned and Biting Giles, but
+that grin of his caused him to be noticed by a much greater person than
+either; an attorney observing it took a liking to the lad, and prophesied
+that he would some day be heard of in the world; and in order to give him
+the first lift, took him into his office, at first to light fires and do
+such kind of work, and after a little time taught him to write, then
+promoted him to a desk, articled him afterwards, and being unmarried and
+without children, left him what he had when he died.  The young fellow,
+after practising at the law some time, went to the bar, where, in a few
+years, helped on by his grin, for he had nothing else to recommend him,
+he became, as I said before, a rising barrister.  He comes our circuit,
+and I occasionally employ him, when I am obliged to go to law about such
+a thing as an unsound horse.  He generally brings me through--or rather
+that grin of his does--and yet I don't like the fellow, confound him, but
+I'm an oddity; no, the one I like, and whom I generally employ, is a
+fellow quite different, a bluff sturdy dog, with no grin on his face, but
+with a look which seems to say I am an honest man, and what cares I for
+anyone.  And an honest man he is, and something more.  I have known coves
+with a better gift of the gab, though not many, but he always speaks to
+the purpose, and understands law thoroughly; and that's not all.  When at
+college, for he has been at college, he carried off everything before him
+as a Latiner, and was first-rate at a game they called matthew mattocks.
+I don't know exactly what it is, but I have heard that he who is
+first-rate at matthew mattocks {271} is thought more of than if he were
+first-rate Latiner.
+
+'Well, the chap that I'm talking about, not only came out first-rate
+Latiner, but first-rate at matthew mattocks too; doing, in fact, as I am
+told by those who knows, for I was never at college myself, what no one
+had ever done before.  Well, he makes his appearance at our circuit, does
+very well, of course, but he has a somewhat high front, as becomes an
+honest man, and one who has beat every one at Latin and matthew mattocks;
+and who can speak first-rate law and sense;--but see now, the cove with
+the grin, who has like myself never been at college; knows nothing of
+Latin, or matthew mattocks, and has no particular gift of the gab, has
+two briefs for his one, and I suppose very properly, for that grin of his
+curries favour with the juries; and mark me, that grin of his will enable
+him to beat the other in the long run.  We all know what all barrister
+coves looks forward to--a seat on the hop sack.  Well, I'll bet a bull to
+fivepence, that the grinner gets upon it, and the snarler doesn't; at any
+rate, that he gets there first.  I calls my cove--for he is my cove--a
+snarler; because your first-rates at matthew mattocks are called
+snarlers, and for no other reason; for the chap, though with a high
+front, is a good chap, and once drank a glass of ale with me, after
+buying an animal out of my stable.  I have often thought it a pity that
+he wasn't born with a grin on his face, like the son of Ugly _Moses_.  It
+is true he would scarcely then have been an out and outer at Latin and
+matthew mattocks, but what need of either to a chap born with a grin?
+Talk of being born with a silver spoon in one's mouth; give me a cove
+born with a grin on his face--a much better endowment.
+
+'I will now shorten my history as much as I can, for we have talked as
+much as folks do during a whole night in the Commons' House, though, of
+course, not with so much learning, or so much to the purpose,
+because--why?  They are in the House of Commons, and we in a public room
+of an inn at Horncastle.  The goodness of the ale do you see, never
+depending on what it is made of, oh, no! but on the fashion and
+appearance of the jug in which it is served up.  After being turned out
+of the firm, I got my living in two or three honest ways, which I shall
+not trouble you with describing.  I did not like any of them, however, as
+they did not exactly suit my humour; at last I found one which did.  One
+Saturday forenoon I chanced to be in the cattle-market of a place about
+eighty miles from here; there I won the favour of an old gentleman who
+sold dickeys.  He had a very shabby squad of animals, without soul or
+spirit; nobody would buy them, till I leaped upon their hinder ends, and
+by merely wriggling in a particular manner, made them caper and bound so
+to people's liking, that in a few hours every one of them was sold at
+very sufficient prices.  The old gentleman was so pleased with my skill,
+that he took me home with him, and in a very little time into
+partnership.  It's a good thing to have a gift, but yet better to have
+two.  I might have got a very decent livelihood by throwing stones, but I
+much question whether I should ever have attained to the position in
+society which I now occupy, but for my knowledge of animals.  I lived
+very comfortably with the old gentleman till he died, which he did about
+a fortnight after he had laid his old lady in the ground.  Having no
+children, he left me what should remain after he had been buried
+decently, and the remainder was six dickeys and thirty shillings in
+silver.  I remained in the dickey trade ten years, during which time I
+saved a hundred pounds.  I then embarked in the horse line.  One day,
+being in the --- market on a Saturday, I saw Mary Fulcher with a halter
+round her neck, led about by a man, who offered to sell her for
+eighteenpence.  I took out the money forthwith and bought her; the man
+was her husband, a basket-maker, with whom she had lived several years
+without having any children; he was a drunken, quarrelsome fellow, and
+having had a dispute with her the day before, he determined to get rid of
+her, by putting a halter round her neck, and leading her to the
+cattle-market, as if she were a mare, which he had, it seems, a right to
+do; all women being considered mares by old English law, and, indeed,
+still called mares in certain counties, where genuine old English is
+still preserved.  That same afternoon, the man who had been her husband,
+having got drunk in a public-house with the money which he had received
+for her, quarrelled with another man, and receiving a blow under the ear,
+fell upon the floor, and died of artiflex; and in less than three weeks I
+was married to Mary Fulcher, by virtue of regular bans.  I am told she
+was legally my property by virtue of my having bought her with a halter
+round her neck; but, to tell you the truth, I think everybody should live
+by his trade, and I didn't wish to act shabbily towards our parson, who
+is a good fellow, and has certainly a right to his fees.  A better wife
+than Mary Fulcher--I mean Mary Dale--no one ever had; she has borne me
+several children, and has at all times shown a willingness to oblige me,
+and to be my faithful wife.  Amongst other things, I begged her to have
+done with her family, and I believe she has never spoken to them since.
+
+'I have thriven very well in business, and my name is up as being a
+person who can be depended on, when folks treats me handsomely.  I always
+makes a point when a gentleman comes to me, and says, "Mr. Dale," or
+"John"--for I have no objection to be called John by a gentleman--"I
+wants a good horse, and I am ready to pay a good price"--I always makes a
+point, I say, to furnish him with an animal worth the money; but when I
+sees a fellow, whether he calls himself gentleman or not, wishing to
+circumvent me, what does I do?  I doesn't quarrel with him, not I; but,
+letting him imagine he is taking me in, I contrives to sell him a screw
+for thirty pounds, not worth forty shillings.  All honest respectable
+people have at present great confidence in me, and frequently commissions
+me to buy them horses at great fairs like this.
+
+'This short young gentleman was recommended to me by a great landed
+proprietor, to whom he bore letters of recommendation from some great
+prince in his own country, who had a long time ago been entertained at
+the house of the landed proprietor, and the consequence is, that I brings
+young six foot six to Horncastle, and purchases for him the horse of the
+Romany Rye.  I don't do these kind things for nothing, it is true; that
+can't be expected; for every one must live by his trade; but, as I said
+before, when I am treated handsomely, I treat folks so.  Honesty, I have
+discovered, as perhaps some other people have, is by far the best policy;
+though, as I also said before, when I'm along with thieves, I can beat
+them at their own game.  If I am obliged to do it, I can pass off the
+veriest screw as a flying drummedary, for even when I was a child I had
+found out by various means what may be done with animals.  I wish now to
+ask a civil question, Mr. Romany Rye.  Certain folks have told me that
+you are a horse witch, are you one, or are you not?'
+
+'I, like yourself,' said I, 'know, to a certain extent, what may be done
+with animals.'
+
+'Then how would you, Mr. Romany Rye, pass off the veriest screw in the
+world for a flying drummedary?'
+
+'By putting a small live eel down his throat; as long as the eel remained
+in his stomach, the horse would appear brisk and lively in a surprising
+degree.'
+
+'And how would you contrive to make a regular kicker and biter appear so
+tame and gentle, that any respectable fat old gentleman of sixty, who
+wanted an easy goer, would be glad to purchase him for fifty pounds?'
+
+'By pouring down his throat four pints of generous old ale, which would
+make him so happy and comfortable, that he would not have the heart to
+kick or bite anybody, for a season at least.'
+
+'And where did you learn all this?' said the jockey.
+
+'I have read about the eel in an old English book, and about the making
+drunk in a Spanish novel, and, singularly enough, I was told the same
+things by a wild blacksmith in Ireland.  Now tell me, do you bewitch
+horses in this way?'
+
+'I?' said the jockey; 'mercy upon us!  I wouldn't do such things for a
+hatful of money.  No, no, preserve me from live eels and hocussing!  And
+now let me ask you, how you would spirit a horse out of a field?'
+
+'How would I spirit a horse out of a field?'
+
+'Yes! supposing you were down in the world, and had determined on taking
+up the horse-stealing line of business.'
+
+'Why I should--.  But I tell you what, friend, I see you are trying to
+pump me, and I tell you plainly that I will hear something from you with
+respect to your art, before I tell you anything more.  Now, how would you
+whisper a horse out of a field, provided you were down in the world, and
+so forth?'
+
+'Ah, ah, I see you are up to game, Mr. Romany: however, I am a gentleman
+in mind, if not by birth, and I scorn to do the unhandsome thing to
+anybody who has dealt fairly towards me.  Now, you told me something I
+didn't know, and I'll tell you something which perhaps you do know.  I
+whispers a horse out of a field in this way: I have a mare in my stable;
+well, in the early season of the year I goes into my stable--Well, I puts
+the sponge into a small bottle which I keeps corked.  I takes my bottle
+in my hand, and goes into a field, suppose by night, where there is a
+very fine stag horse.  I manage with great difficulty to get within ten
+yards of the horse, who stands staring at me just ready to run away.  I
+then uncorks my bottle, presses my fore-finger to the sponge, and holds
+it out to the horse; the horse gives a sniff, then a start, and comes
+nearer.  I corks up my bottle and puts it into my pocket.  My business is
+done, for the next two hours the horse would follow me anywhere--the
+difficulty, indeed, would be to get rid of him.  Now, is that your way of
+doing business?'
+
+'My way of doing business?  Mercy upon us!  I wouldn't steal a horse in
+that way, or, indeed, in any way, for all the money in the world:
+however, let me tell you, for your comfort, that a trick somewhat similar
+is described in the history of Herodotus.'
+
+'In the history of Herod's ass!' said the jockey; 'well, if I did write a
+book, it should be about something more genteel than a dickey.'
+
+'I did not say Herod's ass!' said I, 'but Herodotus, a very genteel
+writer, I assure you, who wrote a history about very genteel people, in a
+language no less genteel than Greek, more than two thousand years ago.
+There was a dispute as to who should be king amongst certain imperious
+chieftains.  At last they agreed to obey him whose horse should neigh
+first on a certain day, in front of the royal palace, before the rising
+of the sun; for you must know that they did not worship the person who
+made the sun as we do, but the sun itself.  So one of these chieftains,
+talking over the matter to his groom, and saying he wondered who would be
+king, the fellow said, "Why, you, master, or I don't know much about
+horses."  So the day before the day of trial, what does the groom do but
+take his master's horse before the palace and introduce him to a mare in
+the stable, and then lead him forth again.  Well, early the next day all
+the chieftains on their horses appeared in front of the palace before the
+dawn of day.  Not a horse neighed but one, and that was the horse of him
+who had consulted with his groom, who, thinking of the animal within the
+stable, gave such a neigh that all the buildings rang.  His rider was
+forthwith elected king, and a brave king he was.  So this shows what
+seemingly wonderful things may be brought about by a little preparation.'
+
+'It doth,' said the jockey; 'what was the chap's name?'
+
+'His name--his name--Darius Hystaspes.'
+
+'And the groom's?'
+
+'I don't know.'
+
+'And he made a good king?'
+
+'First-rate.'
+
+'Only think! well, if he made a good king, what a wonderful king the
+groom would have made, through whose knowledge of 'orses he was put on
+the throne.  And now another question, Mr. Romany Rye, have you
+particular words which have power to soothe or aggravate horses?'
+
+'You should ask me,' said I, 'whether I have horses that can be
+aggravated or soothed by particular words.  No words have any particular
+power over horses or other animals who have never heard them before--how
+should they?  But certain animals connect ideas of misery or enjoyment
+with particular words which they are acquainted with.  I'll give you an
+example.  I knew a cob in Ireland that could be driven to a state of
+kicking madness by a particular word, used by a particular person, in a
+particular tone; but that word was connected with a very painful
+operation which had been performed upon him by that individual, who had
+frequently employed it at a certain period whilst the animal had been
+under his treatment.  The same cob could be soothed in a moment by
+another word, used by the same individual in a very different kind of
+tone--the word was deaghblasda, or sweet tasted.  Some time after the
+operation, whilst the cob was yet under his hands, the fellow--who was
+what the Irish call a fairy smith--had done all he could to soothe the
+creature, and had at last succeeded by giving it gingerbread-buttons, of
+which the cob became passionately fond.  Invariably, however, before
+giving it a button, he said, "Deaghblasda," with which word the cob by
+degrees associated an idea of unmixed enjoyment: so if he could rouse the
+cob to madness by the word which recalled the torture to its remembrance,
+he could as easily soothe it by the other word, which the cob knew would
+be instantly followed by the button, which the smith never failed to give
+him after using the word deaghblasda.'
+
+'There is nothing wonderful to be done,' said the jockey, 'without a good
+deal of preparation, as I know myself.  Folks stare and wonder at certain
+things which they would only laugh at if they knew how they were done;
+and to prove what I say is true, I will give you one or two examples.
+Can either of you lend me a handkerchief?  That won't do,' said he, as I
+presented him with a silk one.  'I wish for a delicate white
+handkerchief.  That's just the kind of thing,' said he, as the Hungarian
+offered him a fine white cambric handkerchief, beautifully worked with
+gold at the hems; 'now you shall see me set this handkerchief on fire.'
+'Don't let him do so by any means,' said the Hungarian, speaking to me in
+German, 'it is the gift of a lady whom I highly admire, and I would not
+have it burnt for the world.'  'He has no occasion to be under any
+apprehension,' said the jockey, after I had interpreted to him what the
+Hungarian had said, 'I will restore it to him uninjured, or my name is
+not Jack Dale.'  Then sticking the handkerchief carelessly into the left
+side of his bosom, he took the candle, which by this time had burnt very
+low, and holding his head back, he applied the flame to the handkerchief,
+which instantly seemed to catch fire.  'What do you think of that?' said
+he to the Hungarian.  'Why, that you have ruined me,' said the latter.
+'No harm done, I assure you,' said the jockey, who presently, clapping
+his hand on his bosom, extinguished the fire, and returned the
+handkerchief to the Hungarian, asking him if it was burnt.  'I see no
+burn upon it,' said the Hungarian; 'but in the name of Gott how could you
+set it on fire without burning it?'  'I never set it on fire at all,'
+said the jockey; 'I set this on fire,' showing us a piece of half-burnt
+calico.  'I placed this calico above it, and lighted not the
+handkerchief, but the rag.  Now, I will show you something else.  I have
+a magic shilling in my pocket, which I can make run up along my arm.
+But, first of all, I would gladly know whether either of you can do the
+like.'  Thereupon the Hungarian and myself, putting our hands into our
+pockets, took out shillings, and endeavoured to make them run up our
+arms, but utterly failed; both shillings, after we had made two or three
+attempts, falling to the ground.  'What noncomposses you both are,' said
+the jockey; and, placing a shilling on the end of the fingers of his
+right hand, he made strange faces to it, drawing back his head, whereupon
+the shilling instantly began to run up his arm, occasionally hopping and
+jumping as if it were bewitched, always endeavouring to make towards the
+head of the jockey.
+
+'How do I do that?' said he, addressing himself to me.  'I really do not
+know,' said I, 'unless it is by the motion of your arm.'  'The motion of
+my nonsense,' said the jockey, and, making a dreadful grimace, the
+shilling hopped upon his knee, and began to run up his thigh and to climb
+his breast.  'How is that done?' said he again.  'By witchcraft, I
+suppose,' said I.  'There you are right,' said the jockey; 'by the
+withcraft of one of Miss Berners' hairs; the end of one of her long hairs
+is tied to that shilling by means of a hole in it, and the other end goes
+round my neck by means of a loop; so that, when I draw back my head, the
+shilling follows it.  I suppose you wish to know how I got the hair,'
+said he, grinning at me.  'I will tell you.  I once, in the course of my
+ridings, saw Miss Berners beneath a hedge, combing out her long hair,
+and, being rather a modest kind of person, what must I do but get off my
+horse, tie him to a gate, go up to her, and endeavour to enter into
+conversation with her.  After giving her the sele of the day, and
+complimenting her on her hair, I asked her to give me one of the threads;
+whereupon she gave me such a look, and, calling me fellow, told me to
+take myself off.  "I must have a hair first," said I, making a snatch at
+one.  I believe I hurt her; but, whether I did or not, up she started,
+and, though her hair was unbound, gave me the only drubbing I ever had in
+my life.  Lor! how, with her right hand, she fibbed me whilst she held me
+round the neck with her left arm; I was soon glad to beg her pardon on my
+knees, which she gave me in a moment when she saw me in that condition,
+being the most placable creature in the world, and not only her pardon,
+but one of the hairs which I longed for, which I put through a shilling,
+with which I have on evenings after fairs, like this, frequently worked
+what seemed to those who looked on downright witchcraft, but which is
+nothing more than pleasant deception.  And now, Mr. Romany Rye, to
+testify my regard for you, I give you the shilling and the hair.  I think
+you have a kind of respect for Miss Berners; but whether you have or not,
+keep them as long as you can, and whenever you look at them think of the
+finest woman in England, and of John Dale, the jockey of Horncastle.  I
+believe I have told you my history,' said he--'no, not quite; there is
+one circumstance I had passed over.  I told you that I have thriven very
+well in business, and so I have upon the whole: at any rate, I find
+myself comfortably off now.  I have horses, money, and owe nobody a
+groat; at any rate, nothing but what I could pay to-morrow.  Yet I have
+had my dreary day, ay, after I had obtained what I call a station in the
+world.  All of a sudden, about five years ago, everything seemed to go
+wrong with me--horses became sick or died, people who owed me money broke
+or ran away, my house caught fire, in fact, everything went against me;
+and not from any mismanagement of my own.  I looked round for help,
+but--what do you think?--nobody would help me.  Somehow or other it had
+got abroad that I was in difficulties, and everybody seemed disposed to
+avoid me, as if I had got the plague.  Those who were always offering me
+help when I wanted none, now, when they thought me in trouble, talked of
+arresting me.  Yes, two particular friends of mine, who had always been
+offering me their purses when my own was stuffed full, now talked of
+arresting me, though I only owed the scoundrels a hundred pounds each;
+and they would have done so, provided I had not paid them what I owed
+them; and how did I do that?  Why, I was able to do it because I found a
+friend--and who was that friend?  Why, a man who has since been hung, of
+whom everybody has heard, and of whom everybody for the next hundred
+years will occasionally talk.
+
+'One day, whilst in trouble, I was visited by a person {279} I had
+occasionally met at sporting dinners.  He came to look after a Suffolk
+Punch, the best horse, by-the-by, that anybody can purchase to drive, it
+being the only animal of the horse kind in England that will pull twice
+at a dead weight.  I told him that I had none at that time that I could
+recommend; in fact, that every horse in my stable was sick.  He then
+invited me to dine with him at an inn close by, and I was glad to go with
+him, in the hope of getting rid of unpleasant thoughts.  After dinner,
+during which he talked nothing but slang, observing I looked melancholy,
+he asked me what was the matter with me, and I, my heart being opened by
+the wine he had made me drink, told him my circumstances without reserve.
+With an oath or two for not having treated him at first like a friend, he
+said he would soon set me all right; and pulling out two hundred pounds,
+told me to pay him when I could.  I felt as I never felt before; however,
+I took his notes, paid my sneaks, and in less than three months was right
+again, and had returned him his money.  On paying it to him, I said that
+I had now a Punch which would just suit him, saying that I would give it
+to him--a free gift--for nothing.  He swore at me; telling me to keep my
+Punch, for that he was suited already.  I begged him to tell me how I
+could requite him for his kindness, whereupon, with the most dreadful
+oath I ever heard, he bade me come and see him hanged when his time was
+come.  I wrung his hand, and told him I would, and I kept my word.  The
+night before the day he was hanged at H---, {280} I harnessed a Suffolk
+Punch to my light gig, the same Punch which I had offered to him, which I
+have ever since kept, and which brought me and this short young man to
+Horncastle, and in eleven hours I drove that Punch one hundred and ten
+miles.  I arrived at H--- just in the nick of time.  There was the ugly
+jail--the scaffold--and there upon it stood the only friend I ever had in
+the world.  Driving my Punch, which was all in a foam, into the midst of
+the crowd, which made way for me as if it knew what I came for, I stood
+up in my gig, took off my hat, and shouted, "God Almighty bless you,
+Jack!"  The dying man turned his pale grim face towards me--for his face
+was always somewhat grim, do you see--nodded and said, or I thought I
+heard him say, "All right, old chap."  The next moment . . . my eyes
+water.  He had a high heart, got into a scrape whilst in the marines,
+lost his half-pay, took to the turf, ring, gambling, and at last cut the
+throat of a villain who had robbed him of nearly all he had.  But he had
+good qualities, and I know for certain that he never did half the bad
+things laid to his charge; for example, he never bribed Tom Oliver to
+fight cross, as it was said he did, on the day of the awful thunderstorm.
+{281a}  Ned Flatnose fairly beat Tom Oliver, for though Ned was not
+what's called a good fighter, he had a particular blow, which if he could
+put in he was sure to win.  His right shoulder, do you see, was two
+inches farther back than it ought to have been, and consequently his
+right fist generally fell short; but if he could swing himself round, and
+put in a blow with that right arm, he could kill or take away the senses
+of anybody in the world.  It was by putting in that blow in his second
+fight with Spring that he beat noble Tom.  Spring beat him like a sack in
+the first battle, but in the second Ned Painter--for that was his real
+name--contrived to put in his blow, and took the senses out of Spring;
+and in like manner he took the senses out of Tom Oliver.
+
+'Well, some are born to be hanged, and some are not; and many of those
+who are not hanged are much worse than those who are.  Jack, with many a
+good quality, is hanged, whilst that fellow of a lord, who wanted to get
+the horse from you at about two-thirds of his value, without a single
+good quality in the world, is not hanged, and probably will remain so.
+You ask the reason why, perhaps.  I'll tell you; the lack of a certain
+quality called courage, which Jack possessed in abundance, will preserve
+him; from the love which he bears his own neck he will do nothing which
+can bring him to the gallows. {281b}  In my rough way I'll draw their
+characters from their childhood, and then ask whether Jack was not the
+best character of the two.  Jack was a rough, audacious boy, fond of
+fighting, going a birds'-nesting, but I never heard he did anything
+particularly cruel save once, I believe, tying a canister to a butcher's
+dog's tail; whilst this fellow of a lord was by nature a savage beast,
+and when a boy would in winter pluck poor fowls naked, and set them
+running on the ice and in the snow, and was particularly fond of burning
+cats alive in the fire.  Jack, when a lad, gets a commission on board a
+ship as an officer of horse marines, and in two or three engagements
+behaves quite up to the mark--at least of a marine; the marines having no
+particular character for courage you know--never having run to the guns
+and fired them like madmen after the blue jackets had had more than
+enough.  Oh, dear me, no!  My lord gets into the valorous British army,
+where cowardice--oh, dear me!--is a thing almost entirely unknown; and
+being on the field of Waterloo the day before the battle, falls off his
+horse, and, pretending to be hurt in the back, gets himself put on the
+sick list--a pretty excuse--hurting his back--for not being present at
+such a fight.  Old Benbow, after part of both his legs had been shot away
+in a sea-fight, made the carpenter make him a cradle to hold his bloody
+stumps, and continued on deck cheering his men till he died.  Jack
+returns home, and gets into trouble, and having nothing to subsist by but
+his wits, gets his living by the ring, and the turf, and gambling, doing
+many an odd kind of thing, I dare say, but not half those laid to his
+charge.  My lord does much the same without the excuse for doing so which
+Jack had, for he had plenty of means, is a leg, and a black, only in a
+more polished way, and with more cunning, and I may say success, having
+done many a rascally thing never laid to his charge.  Jack at last cuts
+the throat of a villain who had cheated him of all he had in the world,
+and who, I am told, was in many points the counterpart of this screw and
+white feather, is taken up, tried, and executed; and certainly taking
+away a man's life is a dreadful thing; but is there nothing as bad?
+Whitefeather will cut no person's throat--I will not say who has cheated
+him, for, being a cheat himself, he will take good care that nobody
+cheats him, but he'll do something quite as bad; out of envy to a person
+who never injured him, and whom he hates for being more clever and
+respected than himself, he will do all he possibly can, by backbiting and
+every unfair means, to do that person a mortal injury.  But Jack is
+hanged, and my lord is not.  Is that right?  My wife, Mary Fulcher--I beg
+her pardon, Mary Dale--who is a Methodist, and has heard the mighty
+preacher, Peter Williams, says some people are preserved from hanging by
+the grace of God.  With her I differs, and says it is from want of
+courage.  This Whitefeather, with one particle of Jack's courage, and
+with one tithe of his good qualities, would have been hanged long ago,
+for he has ten times Jack's malignity.  Jack was hanged because, along
+with his bad qualities, he had courage and generosity; this fellow is
+not, because with all Jack's bad qualities, and many more, amongst which
+is cunning, he has neither courage nor generosity.  Think of a fellow
+like that putting down two hundred pounds to relieve a distressed
+fellow-creature; why he would rob, but for the law and the fear it fills
+him with, a workhouse child of its breakfast, as the saying is--and has
+been heard to say that he would not trust his own father for sixpence,
+and he can't imagine why such a thing as credit should be ever given.  I
+never heard a person give him a good word--stay, stay, yes! I once heard
+an old parson, to whom I sold a Punch, say that he had the art of
+receiving company gracefully, and dismissing them without refreshment.  I
+don't wish to be too hard with him, and so let him make the most of that
+compliment.  Well! he manages to get on, whilst Jack is hanged; not quite
+enviably, however; he has had his rubs, and pretty hard ones--everybody
+knows he slunk from Waterloo, and occasionally checks him with so doing;
+whilst he has been rejected by a woman--what a mortification to the low
+pride of which the scoundrel has plenty!  There's a song about both
+circumstances, which may, perhaps, ring in his ears on a dying bed.  It's
+a funny kind of song, set to the old tune of the Lord-Lieutenant or
+Deputy, and with it I will conclude my discourse, for I really think it's
+past one.'  The jockey then, with a very tolerable voice, sung the
+following song:
+
+    THE JOCKEY'S SONG.
+
+    Now list to a ditty both funny and true!--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    A ditty that tells of a coward and screw,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    Sir Plume, though not liking a bullet at all--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    Had yet resolution to go to a _ball_,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    'Woulez wous danser, mademoiselle?'--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    Said she, 'Sir, to dance I should like very well,'
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    They danc'd to the left, and they danc'd to the right--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    And her troth the fair damsel bestow'd on the knight,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    'Now what shall I fetch you mademoiselle?'_--_
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    Said she, 'Sir, an ice I should like very well,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    But the ice, when he'd got it, he instantly ate--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    Although his pool partner was all in a fret,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    He ate up the ice like a prudent young lord--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    For he saw 'twas the very last ice on the board,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    'Now when shall we marry?' the gentleman cried--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    'Sir, get you to Jordan,' the damsel replied,
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    'I never will wed with the pitiful elf'--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    'Who ate up the ice which I wanted myself,'
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+    'I'd pardon your backing from red Waterloo,'--
+       Merrily moves the dance along--
+    'But I never will wed with a coward and screw,'
+       My Lord-Lieutenant so free and young.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+
+THE CHURCH
+
+The next morning I began to think of departing: I had sewed up the money
+which I had received for the horse in a portion of my clothing, where I
+entertained no fears for its safety, with the exception of a small sum in
+notes, gold, and silver, which I carried in my pocket.  Ere departing,
+however, I determined to stroll about and examine the town, and observe
+more particularly the humours of the fair than I had hitherto an
+opportunity of doing.  The town, when I examined it, offered no object
+worthy of attention but its church--an edifice of some antiquity; under
+the guidance of an old man, who officiated as sexton, I inspected its
+interior attentively, occasionally conversing with my guide, who,
+however, seemed much more disposed to talk about horses than the church.
+'No good horses in the fair this time, measter,' said he; 'none but one
+brought hither by a chap whom nobody knows, and bought by a foreigneering
+man, who came here with Jack Dale.  The horse fetched a good swinging
+price, which is said, however, to be much less than its worth; for the
+horse is a regular clipper; not such a one, 'tis said, has been seen in
+the fair for several summers.  Lord Whitefeather says that he believes
+the fellow who brought him to be a highwayman, and talks of having him
+taken up, but Lord Whitefeather is only in a rage because he could not
+get him for himself.  The chap would not sell it to un; Lord Screw wanted
+to beat him down, and the chap took huff, said he wouldn't sell it to him
+at no price, and accepted the offer of the foreigneering man, or of Jack,
+who was his 'terpreter, and who scorned to higgle about such an hanimal,
+because Jack is a gentleman, though bred a dickey-boy, whilst 'tother,
+though bred a lord, is a screw, and a whitefeather.  Every one says the
+cove was right, and I says so too; I likes spirit, and if the cove were
+here, and in your place, measter, I would invite him to drink a pint of
+beer.  Good horses are scarce now, measter, ay, and so are good men,
+quite a different set from what there were when I was young; that was the
+time for men and horses.  Lord bless you, I know all the breeders about
+here; they are not a bad set, and they breed a very fairish set of
+horses, but they are not like what their fathers were, nor are their
+horses like their fathers' horses.  Now, there is Mr. ---, the great
+breeder, a very fairish man, with very fairish horses; but, Lord bless
+you, he's nothing to what his father was, nor his steeds to his father's;
+I ought to know, for I was at the school here with his father, and
+afterwards for many a year helped him to get up his horses; that was when
+I was young, measter--those were the days.  You look at that monument,
+measter,' said he, as I stopped and looked attentively at a monument on
+the southern side of the church near the altar; 'that was put up for a
+rector of this church, who lived a long time ago, in Oliver's time, and
+was ill-treated and imprisoned by Oliver and his men; you will see all
+about it on the monument.  There was a grand battle fought nigh this
+place, between Oliver's men and the Royal party, and the Royal party had
+the worst of it, as I'm told they generally had; and Oliver's men came
+into the town and did a great deal of damage, and ill-treated people.  I
+can't remember anything about the matter myself, for it happened just one
+hundred years before I was born, but my father was acquainted with an old
+countryman, who lived not many miles from here, who said he remembered
+perfectly well the day of the battle; that he was a boy at the time, and
+was working in a field near the place where the battle was fought; and he
+heard shouting, and noise of firearms, and also the sound of several
+balls, which fell in the field near him.  Come this way, measter, and I
+will show you some remains of that day's field.'  Leaving the monument,
+on which was inscribed an account of the life and sufferings of the
+Royalist Rector of Horncastle, I followed the sexton to the western end
+of the church, where, hanging against the wall, were a number of scythes
+stuck in the ends of poles.  'Those are the weapons, measter,' said the
+sexton, 'which the great people put into the hands of a number of the
+country folks, in order that they might use them against Oliver's men;
+ugly weapons enough: however, Oliver's men won, and Sir Jacob Ashley and
+his party were beat.  And a rare time Oliver and his men had of it, till
+Oliver died, when the other party got the better, not by fighting, 'tis
+said, but through a General Monk, who turned sides.  Ah, the old fellow
+that my father knew, said he well remembered the time when General Monk
+went over and proclaimed Charles the Second.  Bonfires were lighted
+everywhere, oxen roasted, and beer drunk by pailfuls; the country folks
+were drunk with joy, and something else; sung scurvy songs about Oliver
+to the tune of Barney Banks, and pelted his men, wherever they found
+them, with stones and dirt.'  'The more ungrateful scoundrels they,' said
+I.  'Oliver and his men fought the battle of English independence against
+a wretched king and corrupt lords.  Had I been living at the time, I
+should have been proud to be a trooper of Oliver.'  'You would, measter,
+would you?  Well, I never quarrels with the opinions of people who come
+to look at the church, and certainly independence is a fine thing.  I
+like to see a chap of an independent spirit, and if I were now to see the
+cove who refused to sell his horse to my Lord Screw and Whitefeather, and
+let Jack Dale have him, I would offer to treat him to a pint of
+beer--e'es I would, verily.  Well, measter, you have now seen the church,
+and all there's in it worth seeing--so I'll just lock up, and go and
+finish digging the grave I was about when you came, after which I must go
+into the fair to see how matters are going on.  Thank ye, measter,' said
+he, as I put something into his hand; 'thank ye kindly; 'tis not every
+one gives me a shilling nowadays who comes to see the church, but times
+are very different from what they were when I was young; I was not sexton
+then, but something better; helped Mr. --- with his horses, and got many
+a broad crown.  Those were the days, measter, both for men and
+horses--and I say, measter, if men and horses were so much better when I
+was young than they are now, what, I wonder, must they have been in the
+time of Oliver and his men?'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV
+
+
+AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE
+
+Leaving the church, I strolled through the fair, looking at the horses,
+listening to the chaffering of the buyers and sellers, and occasionally
+putting in a word of my own, which was not always received with much
+deference; suddenly, however, on a whisper arising that I was the young
+cove who had brought the wonderful horse to the fair which Jack Dale had
+bought for the foreigneering man, I found myself an object of the
+greatest attention; those who had before replied with stuff! and
+nonsense! to what I said, now listened with the greatest eagerness to any
+nonsense which I chose to utter, and I did not fail to utter a great
+deal; presently, however, becoming disgusted with the beings about me, I
+forced my way, not very civilly, through my crowd of admirers; and
+passing through an alley and a back street, at last reached an outskirt
+of the fair where no person appeared to know me.  Here I stood, looking
+vacantly on what was going on, musing on the strange infatuation of my
+species, who judge of a person's words, not from their intrinsic merit,
+but from the opinion--generally an erroneous one--which they have formed
+of the person.  From this reverie I was roused by certain words which
+sounded near me, uttered in a strange tone, and in a strange cadence--the
+words were, 'them that finds, wins; and them that can't finds, loses.'
+Turning my eyes in the direction from which the words proceeded, I saw
+six or seven people, apparently all countrymen, gathered round a person
+standing behind a tall white table of very small compass.  'What,' said
+I, 'the thimble-engro of --- Fair here at Horncastle.'  Advancing nearer,
+however, I perceived that though the present person was a thimble-engro,
+{288a} he was a very different one from my old acquaintance of --- Fair.
+{288b}  The present one was a fellow about half-a-foot taller than the
+other.  He had a long, haggard, wild face, and was dressed in a kind of
+jacket, something like that of a soldier, with dirty hempen trousers, and
+with a foreign-looking peaked hat on his head.  He spoke with an accent
+evidently Irish, and occasionally changed the usual thimble formula into
+'them that finds wins, and them that can't--och sure!--they loses;'
+saying also frequently 'your honour' instead of 'my lord.'  I observed,
+on drawing nearer, that he handled the pea and thimble with some
+awkwardness, like that which might be expected from a novice in the
+trade.  He contrived, however, to win several shillings, for he did not
+seem to play for gold, from 'their honours.'  Awkward as he was, he
+evidently did his best, and never flung a chance away by permitting
+anyone to win.  He had just won three shillings from a farmer, who,
+incensed at his loss, was calling him a confounded cheat, and saying that
+he would play no more, when up came my friend of the preceding day, Jack
+the jockey.  This worthy, after looking at the thimble man a moment or
+two, with a peculiarly crafty glance, cried out, as he clapped down a
+shilling on the table, 'I will stand you, old fellow!'  'Them that finds
+wins; and them that can't--och, sure!--they loses,' said the thimble man.
+The game commenced, and Jack took up the thimble without finding the pea;
+another shilling was produced, and lost in the same manner.  'This is
+slow work,' said Jack, banging down a guinea on the table: 'can you cover
+that, old fellow?'  The man of the thimble looked at the gold, and then
+at him who produced it, and scratched his head.  'Come, cover that, or I
+shall be off,' said the jockey.  'Och, sure, my lord!--no, I mean your
+honour--no, shure, your lordship,' said the other, 'if I covers it at
+all, it must be with silver, for divil a bit of gold have I by me.'
+'Well, then, produce the value in silver,' said the jockey, 'and do it
+quickly, for I can't be staying here all day.'  The thimble man
+hesitated, looked at Jack with a dubious look, then at the gold, and then
+scratched his head.  There was now a laugh amongst the surrounders, which
+evidently nettled the fellow, who forthwith thrust his hand into his
+pocket, and pulling out all his silver treasure, just contrived to place
+the value of the guinea on the table.  'Them that finds wins, and them
+that can't finds--_loses_,' interrupted Jack, lifting up a thimble, out
+of which rolled a pea.  'There, Paddy, what do you think of that?' said
+he, seizing the heap of silver with one hand, whilst he pocketed the
+guinea with the other.  The thimble-engro stood for some time like one
+transfixed, his eyes glaring wildly, now at the table, and now at his
+successful customer; at last he said, 'Arrah, sure, master!--no, I manes
+my lord--you are not going to ruin a poor boy!'  'Ruin you!' said the
+other, 'what! by winning a guinea's change! a pretty small dodger you--if
+you have not sufficient capital, why do you engage in so deep a trade as
+thimbling? come, will you stand another game?'  'Och, sure, master, no!
+the twenty shillings and one which you have cheated me of were all I had
+in the world.'  'Cheated you,' said Jack, 'say that again and I will
+knock you down.'  'Arrah! sure master, you knows that the pea under the
+thimble was not mine; here is mine, master; now give me back my money!'
+'A likely thing, said Jack; 'no, no, I know a trick worth two or three of
+that; whether the pea was yours or mine, you will never have your twenty
+shillings and one again; and if I have ruined you, all the better; I'd
+gladly ruin all such villains as you, who ruin poor men with your dirty
+tricks, whom you would knock down and rob on the road if you had but
+courage: not that I mean to keep your shillings, with the exception of
+the two you cheated from me, which I'll keep.  A scramble, boys! a
+scramble!' said he, flinging up all the silver into the air, with the
+exception of the two shillings; and a scramble there instantly was,
+between the rustics who had lost their money and the urchins who came
+running up; the poor thimble-engro tried likewise to have his share; but
+though he flung himself down, in order to join more effectually in the
+scramble, he was unable to obtain a single sixpence; and having in his
+rage given some of his fellow scramblers a cuff or two, he was set upon
+by the boys and country fellows, and compelled to make an inglorious
+retreat with his table, which had been flung down in the scuffle, and had
+one of its legs broken.  As he retired, the rabble hooted, and Jack,
+holding up in derision the pea with which he had out-manoeuvred him,
+exclaimed, 'I always carry this in my pocket in order to be a match for
+vagabonds like you.'
+
+The tumult over, Jack gone, and the rabble dispersed, I followed the
+discomfited adventurer at a distance, who, leaving the town, went slowly
+on, carrying his dilapidated piece of furniture, till coming to an old
+wall by the roadside, he placed it on the ground, and sat down, seemingly
+in deep despondency, holding his thumb to his mouth.  Going nearly up to
+him, I stood still, whereupon he looked up, and perceiving I was looking
+steadfastly at him, he said, in an angry tone, 'Arrah! what for are you
+staring at me so?  By my shoul, I think you are one of the thaives who
+are after robbing me.  I think I saw you among them, and if I were only
+sure of it, I would take the liberty of trying to give you a big bating.'
+'You have had enough of trying to give people a beating,' said I; 'you
+had better be taking your table to some skilful carpenter to get it
+repaired.  He will do it for sixpence.'  'Divil a sixpence did you and
+your thaives leave me,' said he; 'and if you do not take yourself off,
+joy, I will be breaking your ugly head with the foot of it.'  'Arrah,
+Murtagh!' said I, 'would ye be breaking the head of your old friend and
+scholar, to whom you taught the blessed tongue of Oilien nan Naomha, in
+exchange for a pack of cards?'  Murtagh, for he it was, gazed at me for a
+moment with a bewildered look; then, with a gleam of intelligence in his
+eye, he said, 'Shorsha! no, it can't be--yes, by my faith it is!'  Then,
+springing up, and seizing me by the hand, he said, 'Yes, by the powers,
+sure enough it is Shorsha agra!  Arrah, Shorsha! where have you been this
+many a day?  Sure, you are not one of the spalpeens who are after robbing
+me?'  'Not I,' I replied, 'but I saw all that happened.  Come, you must
+not take matters so to heart; cheer up; such things will happen in
+connection with the trade you have taken up.'  'Sorrow befall the trade,
+and the thief who taught it me,' said Murtagh; 'and yet the trade is not
+a bad one, if I only knew more of it, and had some one to help and back
+me.  Och! the idea of being cheated and bamboozled by that one-eyed thief
+in the horseman's dress.'  'Let bygones be bygones, Murtagh,' said I; 'it
+is no use grieving for the past; sit down, and let us have a little
+pleasant gossip.  Arrah, Murtagh! when I saw you sitting under the wall,
+with your thumb to your mouth, it brought to my mind tales which you used
+to tell me all about Finn-ma-Coul.  You have not forgotten Finn-ma-Coul,
+Murtagh, and how he sucked wisdom out of his thumb.'  'Sorrow a bit have
+I forgot about him, Shorsha,' said Murtagh, as we sat down together, 'nor
+what you yourself told me about the snake.  Arrah, Shorsha! what ye told
+me about the snake, bates anything I ever told you about Finn.  Ochone,
+Shorsha! perhaps you will be telling me about the snake once more?  I
+think the tale would do me good, and I have need of comfort, God knows,
+Ochone!'  Seeing Murtagh in such a distressed plight, I forthwith told
+him over again the tale of the snake, in precisely the same words as I
+have related it in the first part of this history.  After which, I said,
+'Now, Murtagh, tit for tat; ye will be telling me one of the old stories
+of Finn-ma-Coul.'  'Och, Shorsha!  I haven't heart enough,' said Murtagh.
+'Thank you for your tale, but it makes me weep; it brings to my mind
+Dungarvon times of old--I mean the times we were at school together.'
+'Cheer up, man,' said I, 'and let's have the story, and let it be about
+Ma-Coul and the salmon, and his thumb.' {291}  'Arrah, Shorsha! I can't.
+Well, to oblige you, I'll give it you.  Well you know Ma-Coul was an
+exposed child, and came floating over the salt sea in a chest which was
+cast ashore at Veintry Bay.  In the corner of that bay was a castle,
+where dwelt a giant and his wife, very respectable and decent people, and
+this giant, taking his morning walk along the bay, came to the place
+where the child had been cast ashore in his box.  Well, the giant looked
+at the child, and being filled with compassion for his exposed state,
+took the child up in his box, and carried him home to his castle, where
+he and his wife, being dacent respectable people, as I telled ye before,
+fostered the child and took care of him, till he became old enough to go
+out to service and gain his livelihood, when they bound him out
+apprentice to another giant, who lived in a castle up the country, at
+some distance from the bay.
+
+'This giant, whose name was Darmod David Odeen, was not a respectable
+person at all, but a big old vagabond.  He was twice the size of the
+other giant, who, though bigger than any man, was not a big giant; for,
+as there are great and small men, so there are great and small giants--I
+mean some are small when compared with the others.  Well, Finn served
+this giant a considerable time, doing all kinds of hard and unreasonable
+service for him, and receiving all kinds of hard words, and many a hard
+knock and kick to boot--sorrow befall the ould vagabond who could thus
+ill-treat a helpless foundling.  It chanced that one day the giant caught
+a salmon, near a salmon-leap upon his estate--for, though a big ould
+blackguard, he was a person of considerable landed property, and high
+sheriff for the county Cork.  Well, the giant brings home the salmon by
+the gills, and delivers it to Finn, telling him to roast it for the
+giant's dinner; "but take care, ye young blackguard," he added, "that in
+roasting it--and I expect ye to roast it well--you do not let a blister
+come upon its nice satin skin, for if ye do, I will cut the head off your
+shoulders."  "Well," thinks Finn, "this is a hard task; however, as I
+have done many hard tasks for him, I will try and do this too, though I
+was never set to do anything yet half so difficult."  So he prepared his
+fire, and put his gridiron upon it, and lays the salmon fairly and softly
+upon the gridiron, and then he roasts it, turning it from one side to the
+other just in the nick of time, before the soft satin skin could be
+blistered.  However, on turning it over the eleventh time--and twelve
+would have settled the business--he found he had delayed a little bit of
+time too long in turning it over, and that there was a small, tiny
+blister on the soft outer skin.  Well, Finn was in a mighty panic,
+remembering the threats of the ould giant; however, he did not lose
+heart, but clapped his thumb upon the blister in order to smooth it down.
+Now the salmon, Shorsha, was nearly done, and the flesh thoroughly hot,
+so Finn's thumb was scalt, and he, clapping it to his mouth, sucked it,
+in order to draw out the pain, and in a moment--hubbuboo!--became imbued
+with all the wisdom of the world.'
+
+_Myself_.  Stop, Murtagh! stop!
+
+_Murtagh_.  All the witchcraft, Shorsha.
+
+_Myself_.  How wonderful!
+
+_Murtagh_.  Was it not, Shorsha?  The salmon, do you see, was a fairy
+salmon.
+
+_Myself_.  What a strange coincidence.
+
+_Murtagh_.  A what, Shorsha!
+
+_Myself_.  Why that the very same tale should be told of Finn-ma-Coul,
+which is related of Sigurd Fafnisbane.
+
+'What thief was that, Shorsha?'
+
+'Thief!  'Tis true, he took the treasure of Fafnir.  Sigurd was the hero
+of the North, Murtagh, even as Finn is the great Hero of Ireland.  He,
+too, according to one account, was an exposed child, and came floating in
+a casket to a wild shore, where he was suckled by a hind, and afterwards
+found and fostered by Mimir, a fairy blacksmith; he, too, sucked wisdom
+from a burn.  According to the Edda, he burnt his finger whilst feeling
+of the heart of Fafnir, which he was roasting, and putting it into his
+mouth in order to suck out the pain, became imbued with all the wisdom of
+the world, the knowledge of the language of birds, and what not.  I have
+heard you tell the tale of Finn a dozen times in the blessed days of old,
+but its identity with the tale of Sigurd never occurred to me till now.
+It is true, when I knew you of old, I had never read the tale of Sigurd,
+and have since almost dismissed matters of Ireland from my mind; but as
+soon as you told me again about Finn's burning his finger, the
+coincidence struck me.  I say, Murtagh, the Irish owe much to the
+Danes--.'
+
+'Devil a bit, Shorsha, do they owe to the thaives, except many a bloody
+bating and plundering, which they never paid them back.  Och, Shorsha!
+you, edicated in ould Ireland, to say that the Irish owes anything good
+to the plundering villains--the Siol Loughlin.'
+
+'They owe them half their traditions, Murtagh, and amongst others
+Finn-ma-Coul and the burnt finger; and if ever I publish the Loughlin
+songs, I'll tell the world so.'
+
+'But, Shorsha, the world will never believe ye--to say nothing of the
+Irish part of it.'
+
+'Then the world, Murtagh--to say nothing of the Irish part of it--will be
+a fool, even as I have often thought it; the grand thing, Murtagh, is to
+be able to believe one's self, and respect one's self.  How few whom the
+world believes believe and respect themselves.'
+
+'Och, Shorsha! shall I go on with the tale of Finn?'
+
+'I'd rather you should not, Murtagh; I know about it already.'
+
+'Then why did you bother me to tell it at first, Shorsha?  Och, it was
+doing my ownself good, and making me forget my own sorrowful state, when
+ye interrupted me with your thaives of Danes!  Och, Shorsha! let me tell
+you how Finn, by means of sucking his thumb, and the witchcraft he
+imbibed from it, contrived to pull off the arm of the ould wagabone,
+Darmod David Odeen, whilst shaking hands with him--for Finn could do no
+feat of strength without sucking his thumb, Shorsha, as Conan the Bald
+told the son of Oisin in the song which I used to sing ye in the
+Dungarvon times of old;' and here Murtagh repeated certain Irish words to
+the following effect:
+
+    '"O little the foolish words I heed,
+    O Oisin's son, from thy lips which come;
+    No strength were in Finn for valorous deed,
+    Unless to the gristle he sucked his thumb."'
+
+'Enough is as good as a feast, Murtagh; I am no longer in the cue for
+Finn.  I would rather hear your own history.  Now, tell us, man, all that
+has happened to ye since Dungarvon times of old?'
+
+'Och, Shorsha, it would be merely bringing all my sorrows back upon me!'
+
+'Well, if I know all your sorrows, perhaps I shall be able to find a help
+for them.  I owe you much, Murtagh; you taught me Irish, and I will do
+all I can to help you.'
+
+'Why, then, Shorsha, I'll tell ye my history.  Here goes!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV
+
+
+MURTAGH'S TALE
+
+'Well, Shorsha, about a year and a half after you left us--and a
+sorrowful hour for us it was when ye left us, losing, as we did, your
+funny stories of your snake--and the battles of your military--they sent
+me to Paris and Salamanca, in order to make a saggart of me.'
+
+'Pray excuse me,' said I, 'for interrupting you, but what kind of place
+is Salamanca?'
+
+'Divil a bit did I ever see of it, Shorsha!'
+
+'Then why did you say ye were sent there?  Well, what kind of place is
+Paris.  Not that I care much about Paris.'
+
+'Sorrow a bit did I ever see of either of them, Shorsha, for no one sent
+me to either.  When we says at home a person is going to Paris and
+Salamanca, it manes that he is going abroad to study to be a saggart,
+whether he goes to them places or not.  No, I never saw either--bad luck
+to them--I was shipped away from Cork up the straits to a place called
+Leghorn, from which I was sent to --- to a religious house, where I was
+to be instructed in saggarting till they had made me fit to cut a decent
+figure in Ireland.  We had a long and tedious voyage, Shorsha; not so
+tedious, however, as it would have been had I been fool enough to lave
+your pack of cards behind me, as the thaif, my brother Dennis, wanted to
+persuade me to do, in older that he might play with them himself.  With
+the cards I managed to have many a nice game with the sailors, winning
+from them ha'pennies and sixpences until the captain said that I was
+ruining his men, and keeping them from their duty; and, being a heretic
+and a Dutchman, swore that unless I gave over he would tie me up to the
+mast and give me a round dozen.  This threat obliged me to be more on my
+guard, though I occasionally contrived to get a game at night, and to win
+sixpences and ha'pennies.
+
+'We reached Leghorn at last, and glad I was to leave the ship and the
+master, who gave me a kick as I was getting over the side, bad luck to
+the dirty heretic for kicking a son of the church, for I have always been
+a true son of the church, Shorsha, and never quarrelled with it unless it
+interfered with me in my playing at cards.  I left Leghorn with certain
+muleteers, with whom I played at cards at the baiting houses, and who
+speedily won from me all the ha'pennies and sixpences I had won from the
+sailors.  I got my money's worth, however, for I learnt from the
+muleteers all kind of quaint tricks upon the cards, which I knew nothing
+of before; so I did not grudge them what they chated me of, and when we
+parted we did so in kindness on both sides.  On getting to --- I was
+received into the religious house for Irishes.  It was the Irish house,
+Shorsha, into which I was taken, for I do not wish ye to suppose that I
+was in the English religious house which there is in that city, in which
+a purty set are educated, and in which purty doings are going on if all
+tales be true.
+
+'In this Irish house I commenced my studies, learning to sing and to read
+the Latin prayers of the church.  'Faith, Shorsha, many's the sorrowful
+day I passed in that house learning the prayers and litanies, being
+half-starved, with no earthly diversion at all, at all; until I took the
+cards out of my chest and began instructing in card-playing the chum
+which I had with me in the cell; then I had plenty of diversion along
+with him during the times when I was not engaged in singing, and
+chanting, and saying the prayers of the church; there was, however, some
+drawback in playing with my chum, for though he was very clever in
+learning, divil a sixpence had he to play with, in which respect he was
+like myself, the master who taught him, who had lost all my money to the
+muleteers who taught me the tricks upon the cards; by degrees, however,
+it began to be noised about the religious house that Murtagh, from
+Hibrodary, {296} had a pack of cards with which he played with his chum
+in the cell; whereupon other scholars of the religious house came to me,
+some to be taught and others to play, so with some I played, and others I
+taught, but neither to those who could play, or to those who could not,
+did I teach the elegant tricks which I learnt from the muleteers.  Well,
+the scholars came to me for the sake of the cards, and the porter and the
+cook of the religious house, who could both play very well, came also; at
+last I became tired of playing for nothing, so I borrowed a few bits of
+silver from the cook, and played against the porter, and by means of my
+tricks I won money from the porter, and then I paid the cook the bits of
+silver which I had borrowed of him; and played with him, and won a little
+of his money, which I let him win back again, as I had lived long enough
+in a religious house to know that it is dangerous to take money from the
+cook.  In a little time, Shorsha, there was scarcely anything going on in
+the house but card-playing; the almoner played with me, and so did the
+sub-rector, and I won money from both; not too much, however, lest they
+should tell the rector, who had the character of a very austere man, and
+of being a bit of a saint; however, the thief of a porter, whose money I
+had won, informed the rector of what was going on, and one day the rector
+sent for me into his private apartment, and gave me so long and pious a
+lecture upon the heinous sin of card-playing, that I thought I should
+sink into the ground; after about half an hour's inveighing against
+card-playing, he began to soften his tone, and with a long sigh told me
+that at one time of his life he had been a young man himself, and had
+occasionally used the cards; he then began to ask me some questions about
+card-playing, which questions I afterwards found were to pump from me
+what I knew about the science.  After a time he asked me whether I had
+got my cards with me, and on my telling him I had, he expressed a wish to
+see them, whereupon I took the pack out of my pocket, and showed it to
+him; he looked at it very attentively, and at last, giving another deep
+sigh, he said, that though he was nearly weaned from the vanities of the
+world, he had still an inclination to see whether he had entirely lost
+the little skill which at one time he possessed.  When I heard him speak
+in this manner, I told him that if his reverence was inclined for a game
+of cards, I should be very happy to play one with him; scarcely had I
+uttered these words than he gave a third sigh, and looked so very much
+like a saint that I was afraid he was going to excommunicate me.  Nothing
+of the kind, however, for presently he gets up and locks the door, then
+sitting down at the table, he motioned me to do the same, which I did,
+and in five minutes there we were playing at cards, his reverence and
+myself.
+
+'I soon found that his reverence knew quite as much about card-playing as
+I did.  Divil a trick was there connected with cards that his reverence
+did not seem awake to.  As, however, we were not playing for money, this
+circumstance did not give me much uneasiness; so we played game after
+game for two hours, when his reverence, having business, told me I might
+go, so I took up my cards, made my obedience, and left him.  The next day
+I had other games with him, and so on for a very long time, still playing
+for nothing.  At last his reverence grew tired of playing for nothing,
+and proposed that we should play for money.  Now I had no desire to play
+with his reverence for money, as I knew that doing so would bring on a
+quarrel.  As long as we were playing for nothing, I could afford to let
+his reverence use what tricks he pleased; but if we played for money, I
+couldn't do so.  If he played his tricks, I must play mine, and use every
+advantage to save my money; and there was one I possessed which his
+reverence did not.  The cards being my own, I had put some delicate
+little marks on the trump cards, just at the edges, so that when I dealt,
+by means of a little sleight of hand, I could deal myself any trump card
+I pleased.  But I wished, as I said before, to have no dealings for money
+with his reverence, knowing that he was master in the house, and that he
+could lead me a dog of a life if I offended him, either by winning his
+money, or not letting him win mine.  So I told him I had no money to play
+with, but the ould thief knew better; he knew that I was every day
+winning money from the scholars, and the sub-rector, and the other people
+of the house, and the ould thief had determined to let me go on in that
+way winning money, and then by means of his tricks, which he thought I
+dare not resent, to win from me all my earnings,--in a word, Shorsha, to
+let me fill myself like a sponge, and then squeeze me for his own
+advantage.  So he made me play with him, and in less than three days came
+on the quarrel; his reverence chated me, and I chated his reverence; the
+ould thaif knew every trick that I knew, and one or two more; but in
+daling out the cards I nicked his reverence; scarcely a trump did I ever
+give him, Shorsha, and won his money purty freely.  Och, it was a purty
+quarrel!  All the delicate names in the "Newgate Calendar," if ye ever
+heard of such a book; all the hang-dog names in the Newgate histories,
+and the lives of Irish rogues, did we call each other--his reverence and
+I!  Suddenly, however, putting out his hand, he seized the cards, saying,
+"I will examine these cards, ye cheating scoundrel! for I believe there
+are dirty marks on them, which ye have made in order to know the winning
+cards."  "Give me back my pack," said I, "or m'anam on Dioul if I be not
+the death of ye!"  His reverence, however, clapped the cards into his
+pocket, and made the best of his way to the door, I hanging upon him.  He
+was a gross fat man, but, like most fat men, deadly strong, so he forced
+his way to the door, and opening it, flung himself out, with me still
+holding on him like a terrier dog on a big fat pig; then he shouts for
+help, and in a little time I was secured and thrust into a lock-up room,
+where I was left to myself.  Here was a purty alteration.  Yesterday I
+was the idol of the religious house, thought more on than his reverence,
+every one paying me court and wurtship, and wanting to play cards with
+me, and to learn my tricks, and fed, moreover, on the tidbits of the
+table; and to-day I was in a cell, nobody coming to look at me but the
+blackguard porter who had charge of me, my cards taken from me, and with
+nothing but bread and water to live upon.  Time passed dreary enough for
+a month, at the end of which time his reverence came to me, leaving the
+porter just outside the door in older to come to his help should I be
+violent, and then he read me a very purty lecture on my conduct, saying I
+had turned the religious house topsy-turvy, and corrupted the scholars,
+and that I was the cheat of the world, for that on inspecting the pack he
+had discovered the dirty marks which I had made upon the trump cards for
+to know them by.  He said a great deal more to me, which is not worth
+relating, and ended by telling me that he intended to let me out of
+confinement next day, but that if ever I misconducted myself any more, he
+would clap me in again for the rest of my life.  I had a good mind to
+call him an ould thaif, but the hope of getting out made me hold my
+tongue, and the next day I was let out; and need enough I had to be let
+out, for what with being alone, and living on the bread and water, I was
+becoming frighted, or, as the doctors call it, narvous.  But when I was
+out--oh, what a change I found in the religious house! no card-playing,
+for it had been forbidden to the scholars, and there was now nothing
+going on but reading and singing, divil a merry visage to be seen, but
+plenty of prim airs and graces; but the case of the scholars, though bad
+enough, was not half so bad as mine, for they could spake to each other,
+whereas I could not have a word of conversation, for the ould thaif of a
+rector had ordered them to send me to "Coventry," telling them that I was
+a gambling cheat, with morals bad enough to corrupt a horse regiment; and
+whereas they were allowed to divert themselves with going out, I was kept
+reading and singing from morn till night.  The only soul who was willing
+to exchange a word with me was the cook, and sometimes he and I had a
+little bit of discourse in a corner, and we condoled with each other, for
+he liked the change in the religious house almost as little as myself;
+but he told me that, for all the change below stairs, there was still
+card playing going on above, for that the ould thaif of a rector, and the
+sub rector, and the almoner played at cards together, and that the rector
+won money from the others--the almoner had told him so--and, moreover,
+that the rector was the thaif of the world, and had been a gambler in his
+youth, and had once been kicked out of a club house at Dublin for
+cheating at cards, and after that circumstance had apparently reformed
+and lived decently till the time when I came to the religious house with
+my pack, but that the sight of that had brought him back to his ould
+gambling.  He told the cook, moreover, that the rector frequently went
+out at night to the houses of the great clergy and cheated at cards.
+
+'In this melancholy state, with respect to myself, things continued a
+long time, when suddenly there was a report that his Holiness the Pope
+intended to pay a visit to the religious house in order to examine into
+its state of discipline.  When I heard this I was glad, for I determined,
+after the Pope had done what he had come to do, to fall upon my knees
+before him, and make a regular complaint of the treatment I had received,
+to tell him of the cheatings at cards of the rector, and to beg him to
+make the ould thaif give me back my pack again.  So the day of the visit
+came, and his Holiness made his appearance with his attendants, and,
+having looked over the religious house, he went into the rector's room
+with the rector, the sub-rector, and the almoner.  I intended to have
+waited until his Holiness came out, but finding he stayed a long time, I
+thought I would e'en go in to him, so I went up to the door without
+anybody observing me--his attendants being walking about the
+corridor--and opening it I slipped in, and there what do you think I saw?
+Why, his Holiness the Pope, and his reverence the rector, and the
+sub-rector, and the almoner seated at cards; and the ould thaif of a
+rector was dealing out the cards which ye had given me, Shorsha, to his
+Holiness the Pope, the sub-rector, the almoner, and himself.'
+
+In this part of his history I interrupted Murtagh, saying that I was
+afraid he was telling untruths, and that it was highly improbable that
+the Pope would leave the Vatican to play cards with Irish at their
+religious house, and that I was sure if on his, Murtagh's authority, I
+were to tell the world so, the world would never believe it.
+
+'Then the world, Shorsha, would be a fool, even as you were just now
+saying you had frequently believed it to be; the grand thing, Shorsha, is
+to be able to believe one's self; if ye can do that, it matters very
+little whether the world believes ye or no.  But a purty thing for you
+and the world to stickle at the Pope's playing at cards at a religious
+house of Irish; och! if I were to tell you and the world what the Pope
+has been sometimes at at the religious house of English thaives, I would
+excuse you and the world for turning up your eyes.  However, I wish to
+say nothing against the Pope.  I am a son of the Church, and if the Pope
+don't interfere with my cards, divil a bit will I have to say against
+him; but I saw the Pope playing, or about to play, with the pack which
+had been taken from me, and when I told the Pope, the Pope did not--.  Ye
+had better let me go on with my history, Shorsha; whither you or the
+world believe it or not, I am sure it is quite as true as your tale of
+the snake, or saying that Finn got his burnt finger from the thaives of
+Loughlin; and whatever you may say, I am sure the world will think so
+too.'
+
+I apologized to Murtagh for interrupting him, and telling him that his
+history, whether true or not, was infinitely diverting, begged him to
+continue it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI
+
+
+MURTAGH'S STORY CONTINUED--THE PRIEST, EXORCIST, AND THIMBLE-ENGRO--HOW
+TO CHECK A REBELLION
+
+'I was telling ye, Shorsha, when ye interrupted me, that I found the
+Pope, the rector, the sub-rector and the almoner seated at the table, the
+rector with my pack of cards in his hand, about to deal out to the Pope
+and the rest, not forgetting himself, for whom he intended all the
+trump-cards, no doubt.  No sooner did they perceive me than they seemed
+taken all aback; but the rector, suddenly starting up with the cards in
+his hand, asked me what I did there, threatening to have me well
+disciplined if I did not go about my business.  "I am come for my pack,"
+said I, "ye ould thaif, and to tell his Holiness how I have been treated
+by ye."  Then, going down on my knees before his Holiness, I said,
+"Arrah, now, your Holiness! will ye not see justice done to a poor boy
+who has been sadly misused?  The pack of cards which that old ruffian has
+in his hand are my cards, which he has taken from me in order to chate
+with.  Arrah! don't play with him, your Holiness, for he'll only chate
+ye--there are dirty marks upon the cards which bear the trumps, put there
+in order to know them by; and the ould thaif in daling out will give
+himself all the good cards, and chate ye of the last farthing in your
+pocket; so let them be taken from him, your Holiness, and given back to
+me; and order him to lave the room, and then if your Holiness be for an
+honest game, don't think I'm the boy to baulk ye.  I'll take the ould
+ruffian's place, and play with ye till evening, and all night besides,
+and divil an advantage will I take of the dirty marks, though I know them
+all, having placed them on the cards myself."  I was going on in this way
+when the ould thaif of a rector, flinging down the cards, made at me as
+if to kick me out of the room, whereupon I started up and said, "If ye
+are for kicking, sure two can play at that," and then I kicked at his
+reverence, and his reverence at me, and there was a regular scrimmage
+between us, which frightened the Pope, who, getting up, said some words
+which I did not understand, but which the cook afterwards told me were,
+"English extravagance, and this is the second edition"; for it seems that
+a little time before his Holiness had been frightened in St. Peter's
+Church by the servant of an English family, which those thaives of the
+English religious house had been endeavouring to bring over to the
+Catholic faith, and who didn't approve of their being converted.  Och!
+his Holiness did us all sore injustice to call us English, and to
+confound our house with the other; for however dirty our house might be,
+our house was a clane house compared with the English house, and we
+honest people compared with those English thaives.  Well, his Holiness
+was frighted, and the almoner ran out, and brought in his Holiness's
+attendants, and they laid hold of me, but I struggled hard, and said, "I
+will not go without my pack; arrah, your Holiness! make them give me back
+my pack, which Shorsha gave me in Dungarvon times of old," but my
+struggles were of no use.  I was pulled away and put in the ould dungeon,
+and his Holiness went away sore frighted, crossing himself much, and
+never returned again.
+
+'In the old dungeon I was fastened to the wall by a chain, and there I
+was disciplined once every other day for the first three weeks, and then
+I was left to myself, and my chain, and hunger; and there I sat in the
+dungeon, sometimes screeching, sometimes holloing, for I soon became
+frighted, having nothing in the cell to divert me.  At last the cook
+found his way to me by stealth, and comforted me a little, bringing me
+tidbits out of the kitchen; and he visited me again and again--not often,
+however, for he dare only come when he could steal away the key from the
+custody of the thief of a porter.  I was three years in the dungeon, and
+should have gone mad but for the cook, and his words of comfort, and his
+tidbits, and nice books which he brought me out of the library, which
+were the "Calendars of Newgate," and the "Lives of Irish Rogues and
+Raparees," the only English Books in the library.  However, at the end of
+three years, the ould thaif of a rector, wishing to look at them books,
+missed them from the library, and made a perquisition about them, and the
+thaif of a porter said that he shouldn't wonder if I had them, saying
+that he had once seen me reading; and then the rector came with others to
+my cell, and took my books from me, from under my straw, and asked me how
+I came by them; and on my refusal to tell, they disciplined me again till
+the blood ran down my back; and making some perquisition, they at last
+accused the cook of having carried the books to me, and the cook not
+denying, he was given warning to leave next day, but he left that night,
+and took me away with him; for he stole the key, and came to me and cut
+my chain through, and then he and I escaped from the religious house
+through a window--the cook with a bundle, containing what things he had.
+No sooner had we got out than the honest cook gave me a little bit of
+money and a loaf, and told me to follow a way which he pointed out, which
+he said would lead to the sea; and then, having embraced me after the
+Italian way, he left me, and I never saw him again.  So I followed the
+way which the cook pointed out, and in two days reached a seaport called
+Chiviter Vik, {303a} terribly foot-foundered, and there I met a sailor
+who spoke Irish, and who belonged to a vessel just ready to sail for
+France; and the sailor took me on board his vessel, and said I was his
+brother, and the captain gave me a passage to a place in France called
+Marseilles; and when I got there, the captain and sailor got a little
+money for me and a passport, and I travelled across the country towards a
+place they directed me to called Bayonne, from which, they said I might,
+perhaps, get to Ireland.  Coming, however, to a place called Pau, all my
+money being gone, I enlisted into a regiment called the Army of the
+Faith, which was going into Spain, for the King of Spain had been
+dethroned and imprisoned by his own subjects, as perhaps you may have
+heard; and the King of France, who was his cousin, was sending an army to
+help him, under the command of his own son, whom the English called
+Prince Hilt, {303b} because when he was told that he was appointed to the
+command, he clapped his hand on the hilt of his sword.  So I enlisted
+into the regiment of the Faith, which was made up of Spaniards, many of
+them priests who had run out of Spain, and broken Germans, and
+foot-foundered Irish, like myself.  It was said to be a blackguard
+regiment, that same regiment of the Faith; but, 'faith, I saw nothing
+blackguardly going on in it, for ye would hardly reckon card-playing and
+dominoes, and pitch and toss blackguardly, and I saw nothing else going
+on in it.  There was one thing in it which I disliked--the priests
+drawing their Spanish knives occasionally, when they lost their money.
+After we had been some time at Pau, the Army of the Faith was sent across
+the mountains into Spain, as the vanguard of the French; and no sooner
+did the Spaniards see the Faith than they made a dash at it, and the
+Faith ran away, myself along with it, and got behind the French army,
+which told it to keep there, and the Faith did so, and followed the
+French army, which soon scattered the Spaniards, and in the end placed
+the king on his throne again.  When the war was over the Faith was
+disbanded; some of the foreigners, however, amongst whom I was one, were
+put into a Guard regiment, and there I continued for more than a year.
+
+'One day, being at a place called the Escurial, I took stock, as the
+tradesmen say, and found I possessed the sum of eighty dollars won by
+playing at cards; for though I could not play so well with the foreign
+cards as with the pack ye gave me, Shorsha, I had yet contrived to win
+money from the priests and soldiers of the Faith.  Finding myself
+possessed of such a capital, I determined to leave the service and to
+make the best of my way to Ireland; so I deserted, but coming in an evil
+hour to a place they calls Torre Lodones, I found the priest playing at
+cards with his parishioners.  The sight of the cards made me stop, and
+then, fool like, notwithstanding the treasure I had about me, I must wish
+to play, so not being able to speak their language I made signs to them
+to let me play, and the priest and his thaives consented willingly; so I
+sat down to cards with the priest and two of his parishioners, and in a
+little time had won plenty of their money, but I had better never have
+done any such a thing, for suddenly the priest and all his parishioners
+set upon me and bate me, and took from me all I had, and cast me out of
+the village more dead than alive.  Och! it's a bad village that, and if I
+had known what it was I would have avoided it, or run straight through
+it, though I saw all the card-playing in the world going on in it.  There
+is a proverb about it, as I was afterwards told, old as the time of the
+Moors, which holds good to the present day--it is, that in Torre Lodones
+there are twenty-four housekeepers, and twenty-five thieves, maning that
+all the people are thaives, and the clergyman to boot, who is not
+reckoned a housekeeper; and troth I found the clergyman the greatest
+thaif of the lot.  After being cast out of that village I travelled for
+nearly a month, subsisting by begging tolerably well, for though most of
+the Spaniards are thaives, they are rather charitable; but though
+charitable thaives they do not like their own being taken from them
+without leave being asked, as I found to my cost; for on my entering a
+garden near Seville, without leave, to take an orange, the labourer came
+running up and struck me to the ground with a hatchet, giving me a big
+wound in the arm.  I fainted with loss of blood, and on my reviving I
+found myself in a hospital at Seville, to which the labourer and the
+people of the village had taken me.  I should have died of starvation in
+that hospital had not some English people heard of me and come to see me;
+they tended me with food till I was cured, and then paid my passage on
+board a ship to London, to which place the ship carried me.
+
+'And now I was in London with five shillings in my pocket--all I had in
+the world--and that did not last for long; and when it was gone I begged
+in the streets, but I did not get much by that, except a month's hard
+labour in the correction-house; and when I came out I knew not what to
+do, but thought I would take a walk in the country, for it was
+spring-time, and the weather was fine, so I took a walk about seven miles
+from London, and came to a place where a great fair was being held; and
+there I begged, but got nothing but a halfpenny, and was thinking of
+going farther, when I saw a man with a table, like that of mine, playing
+with thimbles, as you saw me.  I looked at the play, and saw him win
+money and run away, and hunted by constables more than once.  I kept
+following the man, and at last entered into conversation with him, and
+learning from him that he was in want of a companion to help him, I
+offered to help him if he would pay me; he looked at me from top to toe,
+and did not wish at first to have anything to do with me, as he said my
+appearance was against me.  'Faith, Shorsha, he had better have looked at
+home, for his appearance was not much in his favour: he looked very much
+like a Jew, Shorsha.  However, he at last agreed to take me to be his
+companion, or bonnet, as he called it; and I was to keep a look out and
+let him know when constables were coming, and to spake a good word for
+him occasionally, whilst he was chating folks with his thimbles and his
+pea.  So I became his bonnet, and assisted him in the fair, and in many
+other fairs beside; but I did not like my occupation much, or, rather, my
+master, who, though not a big man, was a big thaif, and an unkind one,
+for do all I could I could never give him pleasure; and he was
+continually calling me fool and bogtrotter, and twitting me because I
+could not learn his thaives' Latin, and discourse with him in it, and
+comparing me with another acquaintance, or bit of a pal of his, whom he
+said he had parted with in the fair, and of whom he was fond of saying
+all kinds of wonderful things, amongst others, that he knew the grammar
+of all tongues.  At last, wearied with being twitted by him with not
+being able to learn his thaives' Greek, I proposed that I should teach
+him Irish, that we should spake it together when we had anything to say
+in sacret.  To that he consented willingly; but, och! a purty hand he
+made with Irish, 'faith, not much better than did I with his thaives'
+Hebrew.  Then my turn came, and I twitted him nicely with dulness, and
+compared him with a pal that I had in ould Ireland, in Dungarvon times of
+yore, to whom I teached Irish, telling him that he was the broth of a
+boy, and not only knew the grammar of all human tongues, but the dialects
+of the snakes besides; in fact, I tould him all about your own sweet
+self, Shorsha, and many a dispute and quarrel had we together about our
+pals, which was the cleverest fellow, his or mine.
+
+'Well, after having been wid him about two months, I quitted him without
+noise, taking away one of his tables, and some peas and thimbles: and
+that I did with a safe conscience, for he paid me nothing, and was not
+over free with the meat and the drink, though I must say of him that he
+was a clever fellow, and perfect master of his trade, by which he made a
+power of money, and bating his not being able to learn Irish, and a
+certain Jewish lisp which he had, a great master of his tongue, of which
+he was very proud, so much so that he once told me that when he had saved
+a certain sum of money he meant to leave off the thimbling business, and
+enter Parliament, into which he said he could get at any time, through
+the interest of a friend of his, a Tory Peer, my Lord Whitefeather, with
+whom he said he had occasionally done business.  With the table and other
+things which I had taken I commenced trade on my own account, having
+contrived to learn a few of his tricks.  My only capital was the change
+for half-a-guinea, which he had once let fall, and which I picked up,
+which was all I could ever get from him, for it was impossible to stale
+any money from him, he was so awake, being up to all the tricks of
+thaives, having followed the diving trade, as he called it, for a
+considerable time.  My wish was to make enough by my table to enable me
+to return with credit to ould Ireland, where I had no doubt of being able
+to get myself ordained as priest; and, in troth, notwithstanding I was a
+beginner, and without any companion to help me, I did tolerably well,
+getting my meat and drink, and increasing my small capital, till I came
+to this unlucky place of Horncastle, where I was utterly ruined by the
+thaif in the rider's dress.  And now, Shorsha, I am after telling you my
+history; perhaps you will now be telling me something about yourself?'
+
+I told Murtagh all about myself that I deemed necessary to relate, and
+then asked him what he intended to do; he repeated that he was utterly
+ruined, and that he had no prospect before him but starving, or making
+away with himself.  I inquired, 'How much would take him to Ireland, and
+establish him there with credit?'  'Five pounds,' he answered, adding,
+'but who in the world would be fool enough to lend me five pounds, unless
+it be yourself, Shorsha, who, may be, have not got it; for when you told
+me about yourself, you made no boast of the state of your affairs.'  'I
+am not very rich,' I replied, 'but I think I can accommodate you with
+what you want.  I consider myself under great obligations to you,
+Murtagh; it was you who instructed me in the language of Oilein nan
+Naomha, which has been the foundation of all my acquisitions in
+philology; without you I should not be what I am--Lavengro! which
+signifies a philologist.  Here is the money, Murtagh,' said I, putting my
+hand into my pocket and taking out five pounds; 'much good may it do
+you.'  He took the money, stared at it, and then at me.  'And you mane to
+give me this, Shorsha?'  'It is not mine to give,' said I; 'it is yours.'
+'And you give it me for the gratitude you bear me?'  'Yes,' said I; 'and
+for Dungarvon times of old.'  'Well, Shorsha,' said he, 'you are a broth
+of a boy, and I'll take your benefaction--five pounds!  Och, Jasus!'  He
+then put the money in his pocket, and springing up, waved his hat three
+times, uttering some old Irish cry; then, sitting down, he took my hand
+and said, 'Sure, Shorsha, I'll be going thither; and when I get there, it
+is turning over another leaf I will be; I have learnt a thing or two
+abroad; I will become a priest; that's the trade, Shorsha! and I will cry
+out for repale; that's the cry, Shorsha! and I'll be a fool no longer.'
+'And what will you do with your table?' said I.  ''Faith, I'll be taking
+it with me, Shorsha; and when I gets to Ireland I'll get it mended, and I
+will keep it in the house which I shall have; and when I looks upon it, I
+will be thinking of all I have undergone.'  'You had better leave it
+behind you,' said I; 'if you take it with you you will, perhaps, take up
+the thimble trade again before you get to Ireland, and lose the money I
+am after giving you.'  'No fear of that, Shorsha; never will I play on
+that table again, Shorsha, till I get it mended, which shall not be till
+I am a priest, and have a house in which to place it.'
+
+Murtagh and I then went into the town, where we had some refreshment
+together, and then parted on our several ways.  I heard nothing of him
+for nearly a quarter of a century, when a person who knew him well,
+coming from Ireland, and staying at my humble house, told me a great deal
+about him.  He reached Ireland in safety, soon reconciled himself with
+his Church and was ordained a priest; in the priestly office he acquitted
+himself in a way very satisfactory, upon the whole, to his superiors,
+having, as he frequently said, learned wisdom abroad.  The Popish Church
+never fails to turn to account any particular gift which its servants may
+possess; and discovering soon that Murtagh was endowed with considerable
+manual dexterity--proof of which he frequently gave at cards, and at a
+singular game which he occasionally played with thimbles--it selected him
+as a very fit person to play the part of exorcist; and accordingly he
+travelled through a great part of Ireland, casting out devils from people
+possessed, which he afterwards exhibited, sometimes in the shape of
+rabbits, and occasionally birds and fish.  There is a holy island in a
+lake in Ireland, to which the people resort at a particular season of the
+year.  Here Murtagh frequently attended, and it was here that he
+performed a cure which will cause his name long to be remembered in
+Ireland, delivering a possessed woman of two demons, which he brandished
+aloft in his hands, in the shape of two large eels, and subsequently
+hurled into the lake, amidst the shouts of an enthusiastic multitude.
+Besides playing the part of an exorcist, he acted that of a politician
+with considerable success; he attached himself to the party of the sire
+of agitation--'the man of paunch,' and preached and halloed for repeal
+with the loudest and best, as long as repeal was the cry; as soon,
+however, as the Whigs attained the helm of Government, and the greater
+part of the loaves and fishes--more politely termed the patronage of
+Ireland--was placed in the disposition of the priesthood, the tone of
+Murtagh, like that of the rest of his brother saggarts, was considerably
+softened; he even went so far as to declare that politics were not
+altogether consistent with sacerdotal duty; and resuming his exorcisms,
+which he had for some time abandoned, he went to the Isle of Holiness,
+and delivered a possessed woman of six demons in the shape of white mice.
+He, however, again resumed the political mantle in the year 1848, during
+the short period of the rebellion of the so-called Young Irelanders.  The
+priests, though they apparently sided with this party, did not approve of
+it, as it was chiefly formed of ardent young men, fond of what they
+termed liberty, and by no means admirers of priestly domination, being
+mostly Protestants.  Just before the outbreak of this rebellion, it was
+determined between the priests and the ---, that this party should be
+rendered comparatively innocuous by being deprived of the sinews of
+war--in other words, certain sums of money which they had raised for
+their enterprise.  Murtagh was deemed the best qualified person in
+Ireland to be entrusted with the delicate office of getting their money
+from them.  Having received his instructions, he invited the leaders to
+his parsonage amongst the mountains, under pretence of deliberating with
+them about what was to be done.  They arrived there just before
+nightfall, dressed in red, yellow, and green, the colours so dear to
+enthusiastic Irishmen; Murtagh received them with great apparent
+cordiality, and entered into a long discourse with them, promising them
+the assistance of himself and order, and received from them a profusion
+of thanks.  After a time Murtagh, observing, in a jocular tone, that
+consulting was dull work, proposed a game of cards, and the leaders,
+though somewhat surprised, he went to a closet, and taking out a pack of
+cards, laid it upon the table; it was a strange dirty pack, and exhibited
+every mark of having seen some very long service.  On one of his guests
+making some remarks on the 'ancientness' of its appearance, Murtagh
+observed that there was a very wonderful history attached to that pack;
+it had been presented to him, he said, by a young gentleman, a disciple
+of his, to whom, in Dungarvon times of yore, he had taught the Irish
+language, and of whom he related some very extraordinary things; he added
+that he, Murtagh, had taken it to ---, where it had once the happiness of
+being in the hands of the Holy Father; by a great misfortune, he did not
+say what, he had lost possession of it, and had returned without it, but
+had some time since recovered it; a nephew of his, who was being educated
+at --- for a priest, having found it in a nook of the college, and sent
+it to him.
+
+Murtagh and the leaders then played various games with this pack, more
+especially one called by the initiated 'blind hookey,' the result being
+that at the end of about two hours the leaders found they had lost
+one-half of their funds; they now looked serious, and talked of leaving
+the house, but Murtagh begging them to stay supper, they consented.
+After supper, at which the guests drank rather freely, Murtagh said that,
+as he had not the least wish to win their money, he intended to give them
+their revenge; he would not play at cards with them, he added, but at a
+funny game of thimbles, at which they would be sure of winning back their
+own; then, going out, he brought in a table, tall and narrow, on which
+placing certain thimbles and a pea, he proposed that they should stake
+whatever they pleased on the almost certainty of finding the pea under
+the thimbles.  The leaders, after some hesitation, consented, and were at
+first eminently successful winning back the greater part of what they had
+lost; after some time, however, Fortune, or, rather, Murtagh, turned
+against them, and then, instead of leaving off, they doubled and trebled
+their stakes, and continued doing so until they had lost nearly the whole
+of their funds.  Quite furious, they now swore that Murtagh had cheated
+them, and insisted on having their property restored to them.  Murtagh,
+without a word of reply, went to the door, and shouting into the passage
+something in Irish, the room was instantly filled with bogtrotters, each
+at least six feet high, with a stout shillealah in his hand.  Murtagh,
+then turning to his guests, asked them what they meant by insulting an
+anointed priest; telling them that it was not for the likes of them to
+avenge the wrongs of Ireland.  'I have been clane mistaken in the whole
+of ye,' said he; 'I supposed ye Irish, but have found to my sorrow that
+ye are nothing of the kind; purty fellows to pretend to be Irish, when
+there is not a word of Irish on the tongue of any of ye, divil a
+ha'porth; the illigant young gentleman to whom I taught Irish in
+Dungarvon times of old, though not born in Ireland, has more Irish in him
+than any ten of ye.  He is the boy to avenge the wrongs of Ireland, if
+ever foreigner is to do it.'  Then, saying something to the bogtrotters,
+they instantly cleared the room of the young Irelanders, who retired
+sadly disconcerted; nevertheless, being very silly young fellows, they
+hoisted the standard of rebellion; few, however, joining them, partly
+because they had no money, and partly because the priests abused them
+with might and main, their rebellion ended in a lamentable manner,
+themselves being seized and tried, and though convicted, not deemed of
+sufficient importance to be sent to the scaffold, where they might have
+had the satisfaction of saying--
+
+    'Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.'
+
+My visitor, after saying that of the money won Murtagh retained a
+considerable portion, that a part went to the hierarchy for what were
+called church purposes, and that the --- took the remainder, which it
+employed in establishing a newspaper, in which the private characters of
+the worthiest and most loyal Protestants in Ireland were traduced and
+vilified, concluded his account by observing that it was the common
+belief that Murtagh, having by his services, ecclesiastical and
+political, acquired the confidence of the priesthood and favour of the
+Government, would, on the first vacancy, be appointed to the high office
+of Popish Primate of Ireland.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII
+
+
+DEPARTURE FROM HORNCASTLE--RECRUITING SERGEANT--KAULOES AND LOLLOES.
+
+Leaving Horncastle I bent my steps in the direction of the east. {311a}
+I walked at a brisk rate, and late in the evening reached a large town,
+{311b} situate at the entrance of an extensive firth, or arm of the sea,
+which prevented my further progress eastward.  Sleeping that night in the
+suburbs of the town, I departed early next morning in the direction of
+the south.  A walk of about twenty miles brought me to another large
+town, {311c} situated on a river, where I again turned towards the east.
+At the end of the town I was accosted by a fiery-faced individual,
+somewhat under the middle size, dressed as a recruiting sergeant.
+
+'Young man,' said the recruiting sergeant, 'you are just the kind of
+person to serve the Honourable East India Company.'
+
+'I had rather the Honourable Company should serve me,' said I.
+
+'Of course, young man.  Well, the Honourable East India Company shall
+serve you--that's reasonable.  Here, take this shilling; 't is
+service-money.  The Honourable Company engages to serve you, and you the
+Honourable Company; both parties shall be thus served; that's just and
+reasonable.'
+
+'And what must I do for the Company?'
+
+'Only go to India; that's all.'
+
+'And what should I do in India?'
+
+'Fight, my brave boy! fight, my youthful hero!'
+
+'What kind of country is India?'
+
+'The finest country in the world!  Rivers bigger than the Ouse!  Hills
+higher than anything near Spalding!  Trees--you never saw such trees!
+Fruits--you never saw such fruits!'
+
+'And the people--what kind of folk are they?'
+
+'Pah!  Kauloes--blacks--a set of rascals not worth regarding.'
+
+'Kauloes!' said I; 'blacks!'
+
+'Yes,' said the recruiting sergeant; 'and they call us lolloes, which in
+their beastly gibberish means reds.'
+
+'Lolloes!' said I; 'reds!'
+
+'Yes,' said the recruiting sergeant, 'kauloes and lolloes; and all the
+lolloes have to do is to kick and cut down the kauloes, and take from
+them their rupees, which mean silver money.  Why do you stare so?'
+
+'Why,' said I, 'this is the very language of Mr. Petulengro.'
+
+'Mr. Pet--?'
+
+'Yes,' said I, 'and Tawno Chikno.'
+
+'Tawno Chik--?  I say, young fellow, I don't like your way of speaking;
+no, nor your way of looking.  You are mad, sir; you are mad; and what's
+this?  Why your hair is grey!  You won't do for the Honourable
+Company--they like red.  I'm glad I didn't give you the shilling.  Good
+day to you.'
+
+'I shouldn't wonder,' said I, as I proceeded rapidly along a broad
+causeway, in the direction of the east, 'if Mr. Petulengro and Tawno
+Chikno came originally from India.  I think I'll go there.'
+
+
+
+
+APPENDIX  {313}
+
+
+CHAPTER I--A WORD FOR LAVENGRO
+
+
+Lavengro is the history up to a certain period of one of rather a
+peculiar mind and system of nerves, with an exterior shy and cold, under
+which lurk much curiosity, especially with regard to what is wild and
+extraordinary, a considerable quantity of energy and industry, and an
+unconquerable love of independence.  It narrates his earliest dreams and
+feelings, dwells with minuteness on the ways, words, and characters of
+his father, mother, and brother; lingers on the occasional resting-places
+of his wandering half military childhood; describes the gradual hardening
+of his bodily frame by robust exercises, his successive struggles, after
+his family and himself have settled down in a small local capital, to
+obtain knowledge of every kind, but more particularly philological lore;
+his visits to the tent of the Romany chal and the parlour of the
+Anglo-German philosopher; the effect produced upon his character by his
+flinging himself into contact with people all widely differing from each
+other, but all extraordinary; his reluctance to settle down to the
+ordinary pursuits of life; his struggles after moral truth; his glimpses
+of God and the obscuration of the Divine Being to his mind's eye; and his
+being cast upon the world of London, by the death of his father, at the
+age of nineteen. {314a}  In the world within a world, the world of
+London, it shows him playing his part for some time as he best can in the
+capacity of a writer for reviews and magazines, and describes what he saw
+and underwent whilst labouring in that capacity; it represents him,
+however, as never forgetting that he is the son of a brave but poor
+gentleman, and that if he is a hack author, he is likewise a scholar.  It
+shows him doing no dishonourable jobs, and proves that if he occasionally
+associates with low characters, he does so chiefly to gratify the
+curiosity of a scholar.  In his conversations with the apple-woman of
+London Bridge the scholar is ever apparent, so, again, in his
+acquaintance with the man of the table, for the book is no raker up of
+the uncleanness of London; and if it gives what at first sight appears
+refuse, it invariably shows that a pearl of some kind, generally a
+philological one, is contained amongst it.  It shows its hero always
+accompanied by his love of independence, scorning in the greatest poverty
+to receive favours from anybody, and describes him finally rescuing
+himself from peculiarly miserable circumstances by writing a book, an
+original book, within a week, even as Johnson is said to have written his
+'Rasselas,' and Beckford his 'Vathek,' and tells how, leaving London, he
+betakes himself to the roads and fields.
+
+In the country it shows him leading a life of roving adventure, becoming
+tinker, gypsy, postillion, ostler; associating with various kinds of
+people, chiefly of the lower classes, whose ways and habits are
+described; but, though leading this erratic life, we gather from the book
+that his habits are neither vulgar nor vicious, that he still follows to
+a certain extent his favourite pursuits--hunting after strange
+characters, or analyzing strange words and names.  At the conclusion of
+the fifth volume, which terminates the first part of the history, it
+hints that he is about to quit his native land on a grand philological
+expedition.
+
+Those who read this book with attention--and the author begs to observe
+that it would be of little utility to read it hurriedly--may derive much
+information with respect to matters of philology and literature; it will
+be found treating of most of the principal languages from Ireland to
+China, and of the literature which they contain; and it is particularly
+minute with regard to the ways, manners, and speech of the English
+section of the most extraordinary and mysterious clan or tribe of people
+to be found in the whole world--the children of Roma. {314b}  But it
+contains matters of much more importance than anything in connection with
+philology, and the literature and manners of nations.  Perhaps no work
+was ever offered to the public in which the kindness and providence of
+God have been set forth by more striking examples, or the machinations of
+priestcraft been more truly and lucidly exposed, or the dangers which
+result to a nation when it abandons itself to effeminacy, and a rage for
+what is novel and fashionable, than the present.
+
+With respect to the kindness and providence of God, are they not
+exemplified in the case of the old apple-woman and her son?  These are
+beings in many points bad, but with warm affections, who, after an
+agonizing separation, are restored to each other, but not until the
+hearts of both are changed and purified by the influence of affliction.
+Are they not exemplified in the case of the rich gentleman, who touches
+objects in order to avert the evil chance?  This being has great gifts
+and many amiable qualities; but does not everybody see that his besetting
+sin is selfishness?  He fixes his mind on certain objects, and takes
+inordinate interest in them because they are his own, and those very
+objects, through the providence of God, which is kindness in disguise,
+becomes snakes and scorpions to whip him.  Tired of various pursuits, he
+at last becomes an author, and publishes a book, which is very much
+admired, and which he loves with his usual inordinate affection.  The
+book, consequently, becomes a viper to him, and at last he flings it
+aside and begins another.  The book, however, is not flung aside by the
+world, who are benefited by it, deriving pleasure and knowledge from it;
+so the man who merely wrote to gratify self has already done good to
+others, and got himself an honourable name.  But God will not allow that
+man to put that book under his head and use it as a pillow; the book has
+become a viper to him, he has banished it, and is about another, which he
+finishes and gives to the world.  It is a better book than the first, and
+everyone is delighted with it, but it proves to the writer a scorpion
+because he loves it with inordinate affection; but it was good for the
+world that he produced this book, which stung him as a scorpion.  Yes,
+and good for himself, for the labour of writing it amused him, and
+perhaps prevented him from dying of apoplexy.  But the book is banished,
+and another is begun, and herein, again, is the providence of God
+manifested; the man has the power of producing still, and God determines
+that he shall give to the world what remains in his brain, which he would
+not do had he been satisfied with the second work; he would have gone to
+sleep upon that as he would upon the first, for the man is selfish and
+lazy.  In his account of what he suffered during the composition of this
+work, his besetting sin of selfishness is manifest enough; the work on
+which he is engaged occupies his every thought--it is his idol, his
+deity, it shall be all his own, he won't borrow a thought from anyone
+else, and he is so afraid lest, when he publishes it, that it should be
+thought that he had borrowed from anyone, that he is continually touching
+objects, his nervous system, owing to his extreme selfishness, having
+become partly deranged.  He is left touching, in order to banish the evil
+chance from his book, his deity.  No more of his history is given; but
+does the reader think that God will permit that man to go to sleep on his
+third book, however extraordinary it may be?  Assuredly not.  God will
+not permit that man to rest till He has cured him to a certain extent of
+his selfishness, which has, however, hitherto been very useful to the
+world.
+
+Then, again in the tale of Peter Williams, is not the hand of Providence
+to be seen?  This person commits a sin in his childhood--utters words of
+blasphemy--the remembrance of which in after life, preying upon his
+imagination, unfits him for quiet pursuits, to which he seems to have
+been naturally inclined; but for the remembrance of that sin, he would
+have been Peter Williams the quiet, respectable Welsh farmer, somewhat
+fond of reading the ancient literature of his country in winter evenings
+after his work was done.  God, however, was aware that there was
+something in Peter Williams to entitle him to assume a higher calling; He
+therefore permits this sin, which, though a childish affair, was yet a
+sin, and committed deliberately, to prey upon his mind till he becomes at
+last an instrument in the hand of God, a humble Paul, the great preacher,
+Peter Williams, who, though he considers himself a reprobate and a
+castaway, instead of having recourse to drinking in mad desperation--at
+many do who consider themselves reprobates--goes about Wales and England
+preaching the Word of God, dilating on His power and majesty, and
+visiting the sick and afflicted, until God sees fit to restore to him his
+peace of mind, which He does not do, however, until that mind is in a
+proper condition to receive peace--till it has been purified by the pain
+of the one idea which has so long been permitted to riot in his brain,
+which pain, however, an angel, in the shape of a gentle faithful wife,
+had occasionally alleviated; for God is merciful even in the blows which
+He bestoweth, and will not permit anyone to be tempted beyond the measure
+which he can support.  And here it will be as well for the reader to
+ponder upon the means by which the Welsh preacher is relieved from his
+mental misery; he is not relieved by a text from the Bible, by the words
+of consolation and wisdom addressed to him by his angel-minded wife, nor
+by the preaching of one yet more eloquent than himself, but by a
+quotation made by Lavengro from the life of Mary Flanders, cut-purse and
+prostitute, which life Lavengro had been in the habit of reading at the
+stall of his old friend the apple-woman, on London Bridge, who had
+herself been very much addicted to the perusal of it, though without any
+profit whatever.  Should the reader be dissatisfied with the manner in
+which Peter Williams is made to find relief, the author would wish to
+answer, that the Almighty frequently accomplishes His purposes by means
+which appear very singular to the eyes of men, and at the same time to
+observe that the manner in which that relief is obtained is calculated to
+read a lesson to the proud, fanciful, and squeamish, who are ever in a
+fidget lest they should be thought to mix in low society, or to bestow a
+moment's attention on publications which are not what is called of a
+perfectly unobjectionable character.  Had not Lavengro formed the
+acquaintance of the old apple-woman on London Bridge, he would not have
+had an opportunity of reading the life of Mary Flanders, and,
+consequently, of storing in a memory which never forgets anything, a
+passage which contained a balm for the agonized mind of Peter Williams.
+The best medicines are not always found in the finest shops.  Suppose,
+for example, if, instead of going to London Bridge to read, he had gone
+to Albemarle Street, and had received from the proprietors of the
+literary establishment in that very fashionable street permission to read
+the publications on the tables of the saloons there, does the reader
+think he would have met any balm in those publications for the case of
+Peter Williams?  Does the reader suppose that he would have found Mary
+Flanders there?  He would certainly have found that highly objectionable
+publication, 'Rasselas,' and the 'Spectator,' or 'Lives of Royal and
+Illustrious Personages,' but, of a surety, no Mary Flanders.  So, when
+Lavengro met with Peter Williams, he would have been unprovided with a
+balm to cure his ulcerated mind, and have parted from him in a way not
+quite so satisfactory as the manner in which he took his leave of him;
+for it is certain that he might have read 'Rasselas,' and all the other
+unexceptionable works to be found in the library of Albemarle Street,
+over and over again, before he would have found any cure in them for the
+case of Peter Williams.  Therefore the author requests the reader to drop
+any squeamish nonsense he may wish to utter about Mary Flanders and the
+manner in which Peter Williams was cured.
+
+And now with respect to the old man who knew Chinese, but could not tell
+what was o'clock.  This individual was a man whose natural powers would
+have been utterly buried and lost beneath a mountain of sloth and
+laziness had not God determined otherwise.  He had in his early years
+chalked out for himself a plan of life in which he had his own ease and
+self-indulgence solely in view; he had no particular bad passions to
+gratify, he only wished to lead an easy quiet life, just as if the
+business of this mighty world could be carried on by innocent people fond
+of ease and quiet, or that Providence would permit innocent quiet drones
+to occupy any portion of the earth and to cumber it.  God had, at any
+rate, decreed that this man should not cumber it as a drone.  He brings a
+certain affliction upon him, the agony of which produces that terrible
+whirling of the brain which, unless it is stopped in time, produces
+madness; he suffers indescribable misery for a period, until one morning
+his attention is arrested and his curiosity is aroused by certain Chinese
+letters on a teapot; his curiosity increases more and more, and, of
+course, in proportion as his curiosity is increased with respect to the
+Chinese marks, the misery in his brain produced by his mental affliction
+decreases.  He sets about learning Chinese, and after the lapse of many
+years, during which his mind subsides into a certain state of
+tranquillity, he acquires sufficient knowledge of Chinese to be able to
+translate with ease the inscriptions to be found on its singular
+crockery.  Yes, the laziest of human beings, through the providence of
+God--a being, too, of rather inferior capacity--acquires the written part
+of a language so difficult that, as Lavengro said on a former occasion,
+none but the cleverest people in Europe, the French, are able to acquire
+it.  But God did not intend that man should merely acquire Chinese.  He
+intended that he should be of use to his species, and, by the
+instrumentality of the first Chinese inscription which he translates, the
+one which first arrested his curiosity, he is taught the duties of
+hospitality; yes, by means of an inscription in the language of a people
+who have scarcely an idea of hospitality themselves, God causes the
+slothful man to play a useful and beneficent part in the world, relieving
+distressed wanderers, and, amongst others, Lavengro himself.  But a
+striking indication of the man's surprising sloth is still apparent in
+what he omits to do; he has learnt Chinese, the most difficult of
+languages, and he practises acts of hospitality because he believes
+himself enjoined to do so by the Chinese inscription, but he cannot tell
+the hour of the day by the clock within his house; he can get on, he
+thinks, very well without being able to do so; therefore, from this one
+omission, it is easy to come to a conclusion as to what a sluggard's part
+the man would have played in life but for the dispensation of Providence;
+nothing but extreme agony could have induced such a man to do anything
+useful.  He still continues, with all he has acquired, with all his
+usefulness, and with all his innocence of character, without any proper
+sense of religion, though he has attained a rather advanced age.  If it
+be observed that this want of religion is a great defect in the story,
+the author begs leave to observe that he cannot help it.  Lavengro
+relates the lives of people so far as they were placed before him, but no
+further.  It was certainly a great defect in so good a man to be without
+religion; it was likewise a great defect in so learned a man not to be
+able to tell what was o'clock.  It is probable that God, in His loving
+kindness, will not permit that man to go out of the world without
+religion--who knows but some powerful minister of the Church, full of
+zeal for the glory of God, will illumine that man's dark mind--perhaps
+some clergyman will come to the parish who will visit him and teach him
+his duty to his God.  Yes, it is very probable that such a man, before he
+dies, will have been made to love his God; whether he will ever learn to
+know what's o'clock is another matter.  It is probable that he will go
+out of the world without knowing what's o'clock.  It is not so necessary
+to be able to tell the time of day by the clock as to know one's God
+through His inspired word; a man cannot get to heaven without religion,
+but a man can get there very comfortably without knowing what's o'clock.
+
+But, above all, the care and providence of God are manifested in the case
+of Lavengro himself by the manner in which he is enabled to make his way
+in the world up to a certain period without falling a prey either to vice
+or poverty.  In his history there is a wonderful illustration of part of
+the text, quoted by his mother: 'I have been young, and now am old, yet
+never saw I the righteous forsaken or his seed begging bread.'  He is the
+son of good and honourable parents, but at the critical period of life,
+that of entering into the world, he finds himself without any earthly
+friend to help him, yet he manages to make his way.  He does not become a
+captain in the Life Guards, it is true, nor does be get into Parliament,
+nor does the last volume conclude in the most satisfactory and
+unobjectionable manner by his marrying a dowager countess--as that wise
+man Addison did--or by his settling down as a great country gentleman,
+perfectly happy and contented, like the very moral Roderick Random or the
+equally estimable Peregrine Pickle; he is hack author, gypsy, tinker, and
+postillion, yet upon the whole he seems to be quite as happy as the
+younger sons of most earls, to have as high feelings of honour; and, when
+the reader loses sight of him, he has money in his pocket honestly
+acquired to enable him to commence a journey quite as laudable as those
+which the younger sons of earls generally undertake.  Surely all this is
+a manifestation of the kindness and providence of God, and yet he is not
+a religious person--up to the time when the reader loses sight of him he
+is decidedly not a religious person, he has glimpses, it is true, of that
+God who does not forsake him, but he prays very seldom, is not fond of
+going to church, and, though he admires Tate and Brady's version of the
+Psalms, his admiration is rather caused by the beautiful poetry which
+that version contains than the religion; yet his tale is not
+finished--like the tale of the gentleman who touched objects, and that of
+the old man who knew Chinese without knowing what was o'clock; perhaps,
+like them, he is destined to become religious, and to have, instead of
+occasional glimpses, frequent and distinct views of his God; yet, though
+he may become religious, it is hardly to be expected that he will become
+a very precise and straight-laced person; it is probable that he will
+retain with his scholarship something of his gypsyism, his predilection
+for the hammer and tongs, and perhaps some inclination to put on certain
+gloves, not white kid, with any friend who may be inclined for a little
+old English diversion, and a readiness to take a glass of ale, with
+plenty of malt in it and as little hop as may well be--ale at least two
+years old--with the aforesaid friend when the diversion is over; for, as
+it is the belief of the writer that a person may get to heaven very
+comfortably without knowing what's o'clock, so it is his belief that he
+will not be refused admission there because to the last he has been fond
+of healthy and invigorating exercises, and felt a willingness to partake
+of any of the good things which it pleases the Almighty to put within the
+reach of His children during their sojourn upon earth.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II--ON PRIESTCRAFT
+
+
+The writer will now say a few words about priestcraft and the
+machinations of Rome, and will afterwards say something about himself and
+his motives for writing against them.
+
+With respect to Rome and her machinations, much valuable information can
+be obtained from particular parts of Lavengro and its sequel.  Shortly
+before the time when the hero of the book is launched into the world the
+Popish agitation in England had commenced.  The Popish propaganda had
+determined to make a grand attempt on England; Popish priests were
+scattered over the land, doing the best they could to make converts to
+the old superstition.  With the plans of Rome, and her hopes, and the
+reasons on which those hopes are grounded, the hero of the book becomes
+acquainted during an expedition which he makes into the country, from
+certain conversations which he holds with a priest in a dingle in which
+the hero had taken up his residence; he likewise learns from the same
+person much of the secret history of the Roman See and many matters
+connected with the origin and progress of the Popish superstition.  The
+individual with whom he holds these conversations is a learned,
+intelligent, but highly unprincipled person, of a character, however,
+very common amongst the priests of Rome, who in general are people void
+of all religion, and who, notwithstanding they are tied to Rome by a band
+which they have neither the power nor wish to break, turn her and her
+practices, over their cups with their confidential associates, to a
+ridicule only exceeded by that to which they turn those who become the
+dupes of their mistress and themselves.
+
+It is now necessary that the writer should say something with respect to
+himself and his motives for waging war against Rome.  First of all, with
+respect to himself, he wishes to state that, to the very last moment of
+his life, he will do and say all that in his power may be to hold up to
+contempt and execration the priestcraft and practices of Rome; there is,
+perhaps, no person better acquainted than himself, not even among the
+choicest spirits of the priesthood, with the origin and history of
+Popery.  From what he saw and heard of Popery in England at a very early
+period of his life, his curiosity was aroused, and he spared himself no
+trouble, either by travel or study, to make himself well acquainted with
+it in all its phases, the result being a hatred of it which he hopes and
+trusts he shall retain till the moment when his spirit quits the body.
+Popery is the great lie of the world--a source from which more misery and
+social degradation have flowed upon the human race than from all the
+other sources from which those evils come.  It is the oldest of all
+superstitions, and, though in Europe it assumes the name of Christianity,
+it existed and flourished amidst the Himalayan hills at least two
+thousand years before the real Christ was born in Bethlehem of Judea--in
+a word, it is Buddhism, and let those who may be disposed to doubt this
+assertion compare the Popery of Rome and the superstitious practices of
+its followers with the doings of the priests who surround the grand Lama,
+and the mouthings, bellowing, turnings round, and above all, the penances
+of the followers of Buddh with those of Roman devotees.  But he is not
+going to dwell here on this point; it is dwelt upon at tolerable length
+in the text, and has likewise been handled with extraordinary power by
+the pen of the gifted but irreligious Volney; moreover, the _elite_ of
+the Roman priesthood are perfectly well aware that their system is
+nothing but Buddhism under a slight disguise, and the European world in
+general has entertained for some time past an inkling of the fact.
+
+And now a few words with respect to the motives of the writer for
+expressing a hatred for Rome.
+
+This expressed abhorrence of the author for Rome might be entitled to
+little regard, provided it were possible to attribute it to any
+self-interested motive.  There have been professed enemies of Rome, or of
+this or that system; but their professed enmity may frequently be traced
+to some cause which does them little credit; but the writer of these
+lines has no motive, and can have no motive, for his enmity to Rome, save
+the abhorrence of an honest heart for what is false, base, and cruel.  A
+certain clergyman wrote with much heat against the Papists in the time of
+---, {321a} who was known to favour the Papists, but was not expected to
+continue long in office, and whose supposed successor, the person,
+indeed, who did succeed him, was thought to be hostile to the Papists.
+This divine, who obtained a rich benefice from the successor of ---,
+{321b} who during ---'s {321c} time had always opposed him in everything
+he proposed to do, and who, of course, during that time affected to be
+very inimical to Popery--this divine might well be suspected of having a
+motive equally creditable for writing against the Papists, as that which
+induced him to write for them, as soon as his patron, who eventually did
+something more for him, had espoused their cause; but what motive, save
+an honest one, can the present writer have, for expressing an abhorrence
+of Popery?  He is no clergyman, and consequently can expect neither
+benefices nor bishoprics, supposing it were the fashion of the present,
+or likely to be the fashion of any future administration, to reward
+clergymen with benefices or bishoprics, who, in the defence of the
+religion of their country write, or shall write, against Popery, and not
+to reward those who write, or shall write, in favour of it, and all its
+nonsense and abominations.
+
+'But if not a clergyman, he is the servant of a certain society, which
+has the overthrow of Popery in view, and therefore,' etc.  This
+assertion, which has been frequently made, is incorrect, even as those
+who have made it probably knew it to be.  He is the servant of no society
+whatever.  He eats his own bread, and is one of the very few men in
+England who are independent in every sense of the word.
+
+It is true he went to Spain with the colours of that society on his
+hat--oh! the blood glows in his veins! oh! the marrow awakes in his old
+bones when he thinks of what he accomplished in Spain in the cause of
+religion and civilization with the colours of that society in his hat,
+and its weapon in his hand, even the sword of the word of God; how with
+that weapon he hewed left and right, making the priests fly before him,
+and run away squeaking: 'Vaya! que demonio es este!'  Ay, and when he
+thinks of the plenty of bible swords which he left behind him, destined
+to prove, and which have already proved, pretty calthrops in the heels of
+popery.  'Halloo! Batuschca,' {322} he exclaimed the other night, on
+reading an article in a newspaper, 'what do you think of the present
+doings in Spain?  Your old friend the zingaro, the gitano who rode about
+Spain, to say nothing of Galicia, with the Greek Buchini behind him as
+his squire, had a hand in bringing them about; there are many brave
+Spaniards connected with the present movement who took bibles from his
+hands, and read them and profited by them, learning from the inspired
+page the duties of one man towards another, and the real value of a
+priesthood and their head, who set at nought the word of God, and think
+only of their own temporal interests; ay, and who learned Gitano--their
+own Gitano--from the lips of the London Caloro, and also songs in the
+said Gitano, very fit to dumbfounder your semi-Buddhist priests when they
+attempt to bewilder people's minds with their school-logic and
+pseudo-ecclesiastical nonsense, songs such as--
+
+       'Un Erajai
+    Sinaba chibando un sermon . . .' {323}
+
+But with that society he has long since ceased to have any connection; he
+bade it adieu with feelings of love and admiration more than fourteen
+years ago; so, in continuing to assault Popery, no hopes of interest
+founded on that society can sway his mind--interest! who, with worldly
+interest in view, would ever have anything to do with that society?  It
+is poor and supported, like its founder Christ, by poor people; and so
+far from having political influence, it is in such disfavour, and has
+ever been, with the dastardly great, to whom the government of England
+has for many years past been confided, that the having borne its colours
+only for a month would be sufficient to exclude any man, whatever his
+talents, his learning, or his courage may be, from the slightest chance
+of being permitted to serve his country either for fee, or without.  A
+fellow who unites in himself the bankrupt trader, the broken author, or
+rather book-maker, and the laughed down single speech spouter of the
+House of Commons, may look forward always supposing that at one time he
+has been a foaming radical, to the government of an important colony.
+Ay, an ancient fox who has lost his tail may, provided he has a score of
+radical friends, who will swear that he can bark Chinese, though Chinese
+is not barked but sung, be forced upon a Chinese colony, though it is
+well known that to have lost one's tail is considered by the Chinese in
+general as an irreparable infamy, whilst to have been once connected with
+a certain society to which, to its honour be it said, all the radical
+party are vehemently hostile, would be quite sufficient to keep any one
+not only from a government, but something much less, even though he could
+translate the rhymed 'Sessions of Hariri,' and were versed, still
+retaining his tail, in the two languages in which Kien-Loung wrote his
+Eulogium on Moukden, that piece which, translated by Amyot, the learned
+Jesuit, won the applause of the celebrated Voltaire.
+
+No! were the author influenced by hopes of fee or reward, he would,
+instead of writing against Popery, write for it; all the trumpery
+titled--he will not call them great again--would then be for him, and
+their masters the radicals, with their hosts of newspapers, would be for
+him, more especially if he would commence maligning the society whose
+colours he had once on his hat--a society which, as the priest says in
+the text, is one of the very few Protestant institutions for which the
+Popish Church entertains any fear, and consequently respect, as it
+respects nothing which it does not fear.  The writer said that certain
+'rulers' would never forgive him for having been connected with that
+society; he went perhaps too far in saying 'never.'  It is probable that
+they would take him into favour on one condition, which is, that he
+should turn his pen and his voice against that society; such a mark 'of a
+better way of thinking,' would perhaps induce them to give him a
+government, nearly as good as that which they gave to a certain ancient
+radical fox at the intercession of his radical friends (who were bound to
+keep him from the pauper's kennel), after he had promised to foam, bark,
+and snarl at corruption no more; he might even entertain hopes of
+succeeding, nay of superseding, the ancient creature in his government;
+but even were he as badly off as he is well off, he would do no such
+thing.  He would rather exist on crusts and water; he has often done so,
+and been happy; nay, he would rather starve than be a rogue--for even the
+feeling of starvation is happiness compared with what he feels who knows
+himself to be a rogue, provided he has any feeling at all.  What is the
+use of a mitre or a knighthood to a man who has betrayed his principles?
+What is the use of a gilt collar, nay, even of a pair of scarlet
+breeches, to a fox who has lost his tail?  Oh! the horror which haunts
+the mind of the fox who has lost his tail; and with reason, for his very
+mate loathes him, and more especially if, like himself, she has lost her
+brush.  Oh! the horror which haunts the mind of the two-legged rogue who
+has parted with his principles, or those which he professed--for what?
+We'll suppose a government.  What's the use of a government, if, the next
+day after you have received it, you are obliged for very shame to scurry
+off to it with the hoot of every honest man sounding in your ears?
+
+    'Lightly liar leaped away and ran.'
+
+                                                            PIERS PLOWMAN.
+
+But bigotry, it has been said, makes the author write against Popery; and
+thorough-going bigotry, indeed, will make a person say or do anything.
+But the writer is a very pretty bigot truly!  Where will the public find
+traces of bigotry in anything he has written?  He has written against
+Rome with all his heart, with all his mind, with all his soul, and with
+all his strength; but as a person may be quite honest, and speak and
+write against Rome, in like manner he may speak and write against her,
+and be quite free from bigotry; though it is impossible for any one but a
+bigot or a bad man to write or speak in her praise, her doctrines,
+actions, and machinations being what they are.
+
+Bigotry!  The author was born, and has always continued in the wrong
+Church for bigotry, the quiet, unpretending Church of England--a Church
+which had it been a bigoted Church, and not long suffering almost to a
+fault, might with its opportunities, as the priest says in the text, have
+stood in a very different position from which it occupies at present.
+No! let those who are in search of bigotry, seek for it in a Church very
+different from the inoffensive Church of England, which never encourages
+cruelty or calumny.  Let them seek for it amongst the members of the
+Church of Rome, and more especially amongst those who have renegaded to
+it.  There is nothing, however false and horrible, which a pervert to
+Rome will not say for his Church, and which his priests will not
+encourage him in saying; and there is nothing, however horrible--the more
+horrible indeed and revolting to human nature, the more eager he would be
+to do it--which he will not do for it, and which his priests will not
+encourage him in doing.
+
+Of the readiness which converts to popery exhibit to sacrifice all the
+ties of blood and affection on the shrine of their newly-adopted
+religion, there is a curious illustration in the work of Luigi Pulci.
+This man, who was born at Florence in the year 1432, and who was deeply
+versed in the Bible, composed a poem, called the 'Morgante Maggiore,'
+which he recited at the table of Lorenzo de Medici, the great patron of
+Italian genius.  It is a mock-heroic and religious poem, in which the
+legends of knight-errantry, and of the Popish Church, are turned to
+unbounded ridicule.  The pretended hero of it is a converted giant,
+called Morgante; though his adventures do not occupy the twentieth part
+of the poem, the principal personages being Charlemagne, Orlando, and his
+cousin Rinaldo of Montalban.  Morgante has two brothers, both of them
+giants, and, in the first canto of the poem, Morgante is represented with
+his brothers as carrying on a feud with the abbot and monks of a certain
+convent, built upon the confines of heathenesse; the giants being in the
+habit of flinging down stones, or rather huge rocks, on the convent.
+Orlando, however, who is banished from the court of Charlemagne, arriving
+at the convent, undertakes to destroy them, and, accordingly, kills
+Passamonte and Alabastro, and converts Morgante, whose mind had been
+previously softened by a vision, in which the 'Blessed Virgin' figures.
+No sooner is he converted than, as a sign of his penitence, what does he
+do but hastens and cuts off the hands of his two brothers, saying--
+
+    'Io vo' tagliar le mani a tutti quanti
+    E porterolle a que' monaci santi.'
+
+And he does cut off the hands of his brethren, and carries them to the
+abbot, who blesses him for so doing.  Pulci here is holding up to
+ridicule and execration the horrid butchery or betrayal of friends by
+popish converts, and the encouragement they receive from the priest.  No
+sooner is a person converted to popery than his principal thought is how
+he can bring the hands and feet of his brethren, however harmless they
+may be, and different from the giants, to the 'holy priests,' who, if he
+manages to do so, never fail to prate him, saying to the miserable
+wretch, as the abbot said to Morgante:
+
+    'Tu sarai or perfetto e vero amico
+    A Cristo, quanto tu gli eri nemico.'
+
+Can the English public deny the justice of Pulci's illustration, after
+something which it has lately witnessed? {326}  Has it not seen
+equivalents for the hands and feet of brothers carried by popish perverts
+to the 'holy priests'? and has it not seen the manner in which the
+offering his been received?  Let those who are in quest of bigotry seek
+for it amongst the perverts to Rome, and not amongst those who, born in
+the pale of the Church of England, have always continued in it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III--ON FOREIGN NONSENSE
+
+
+With respect to the third point, various lessons which the book reads to
+the nation at large, and which it would be well for the nation to ponder
+and profit by.
+
+There are many species of nonsense to which the nation is much addicted,
+and of which the perusal of Lavengro ought to give them a wholesome
+shame.  First of all, with respect to the foreign nonsense so prevalent
+now in England.  The hero is a scholar, but, though possessed of a great
+many tongues, he affects to be neither Frenchman, nor German, nor this or
+that foreigner; he is one who loves his country, and the language and
+literature of his country, and speaks up for each and all when there is
+occasion to do so.  Now, what is the case with nine out of ten amongst
+those of the English who study foreign languages?  No sooner have they
+picked up a smattering of this or that speech than they begin to abuse
+their own country and everything connected with it, more especially its
+language.  This is particularly the case with those who call themselves
+German students.  It is said, and the writer believes with truth, that
+when a woman falls in love with a particularly ugly fellow, she squeezes
+him with ten times more zest than she would a handsome one if captivated
+by him.  So it is with these German students; no sooner have they taken
+German in hand than there is nothing like German.  Oh, the dear
+delightful German!  How proud I am that it is now my own, and that its
+divine literature is within my reach!  And all this whilst mumbling the
+most uncouth speech, and crunching the most crabbed literature in Europe.
+The writer is not an exclusive admirer of everything English; he does not
+advise his country people never to go abroad, never to study foreign
+languages, and he does not wish to persuade them that there is nothing
+beautiful or valuable in foreign literature; he only wishes that they
+would not make themselves fools with respect to foreign people, foreign
+languages or reading; that if they chance to have been in Spain, and have
+picked up a little Spanish, they would not affect the arts of Spaniards;
+that, if males they would not make Tom-fools of themselves by sticking
+cigars into their mouths, dressing themselves in zamarras, and saying
+'Carajo!' {327} and, if females, that they would not make zanies of
+themselves by sticking cigars into their mouths, flinging mantillas over
+their heads, and by saying, 'Carai,' and perhaps 'Carajo' too; or if they
+have been in France or Italy, and have picked up a little French or
+Italian, they would not affect to be French or Italians; and
+particularly, after having been a month or two in Germany, or picked up a
+little German in England, they would not make themselves foolish about
+everything German, as the Anglo-German in the book does--a real
+character, the founder of the Anglo-German school in England, and the
+cleverest Englishman who ever talked or wrote encomiastic nonsense about
+Germany and the Germans.  Of all infatuations connected with what is
+foreign, the infatuation about everything that is German, to a certain
+extent prevalent in England, is assuredly the most ridiculous.  One can
+find something like a palliation for people making themselves somewhat
+foolish about particular languages, literatures, and people.  The Spanish
+certainly is a noble language, and there is something wild and
+captivating in the Spanish character, and its literature contains the
+grand book of the world.  French is a manly language.  The French are the
+most martial people in the world; and French literature is admirable in
+many respects.  Italian is a sweet language, and of beautiful simplicity;
+its literature, perhaps, the first in the world.  The
+Italians!--wonderful men have sprung up in Italy.  Italy is not merely
+famous for painters, poets, musicians, singers, and linguists--the
+greatest linguist the world ever saw, the late Cardinal Mezzofanti, was
+an Italian; but it is celebrated for men--men emphatically speaking:
+Columbus was in Italian, Alexander Farnese was an Italian, so was the
+mightiest of the mighty, Napoleon Bonaparte.  But the German language,
+German literature, and the Germans!  The writer has already stated his
+opinion with respect to German; he does not speak from ignorance or
+prejudice; he has heard German spoken, and many other languages.  German
+literature! he does not speak from ignorance; he has read that and many a
+literature, and he repeats--however, he acknowledges that there is one
+fine poem in the German language; that poem is the 'Oberon'--a poem,
+by-the-by, ignored by the Germans--a speaking fact--and, of course, by
+the Anglo-Germanists.  The Germans! he has been amongst them, and amongst
+many other nations, and confesses that his opinion of the Germans, as
+men, is a very low one.  Germany, it is true, has produced one very great
+man, the monk who fought the Pope, and nearly knocked him down; but this
+man his countrymen--a telling fact--affect to despise, and, of course,
+the Anglo-Germanists.  The father of Anglo-Germanism was very fond of
+inveighing against Luther.
+
+The madness, or rather foolery, of the English for foreign customs,
+dresses, and languages, is not an affair of to-day, or yesterday--it is
+of very ancient date, and was very properly exposed nearly three
+centuries ago by one Andrew Borde, who, under the picture of a 'Naked
+man, with a pair of shears in one hand and a roll of cloth in the other,'
+{328} inserted the following lines along with others:
+
+    'I am an Englishman, and naked I stand here,
+    Musing in my mind what garment I shall weare;
+    For now I will weare this, and now I will weare that,
+    Now I will weare, I cannot tell what.
+    All new fashions be pleasant to mee,
+    I will have them, whether I thrive or thee;
+    What do I care if all the world me fail?
+    I will have a garment reach to my taille;
+    Then am I a minion, for I wear the new guise.
+    The next yeare after I hope to be wise,
+    Not only in wearing my gorgeous array,
+    For I will go to learning a whole summer's day;
+    I will learn Latine, Hebrew, Greek, and French,
+    And I will learn Dutch, sitting on my bench.
+    I had no peere if to myself I were true,
+    Because I am not so, divers times do I rue.
+    Yet I lacke nothing, I have all things at will
+    If I were wise and would hold myself still,
+    And meddle with no matters but to me pertaining,
+    But ever to be true to God and my king.
+    But I have such matters rowling in my pate,
+    That I will and do . . . I cannot tell what,' etc.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+ON GENTILITY, NONSENSE--ILLUSTRATIONS OF GENTILITY
+
+What is gentility?  People in different stations in England entertain
+different ideas of what is genteel, {329} but it must be something
+gorgeous, glittering, or tawdry to be considered genteel by any of them.
+The beau-ideal of the English aristocracy, of course with some
+exceptions, is some young fellow with an imperial title, a military
+personage, of course, for what is military is so particularly genteel,
+with flaming epaulets, a cocked hat and a plume, a prancing charger, and
+a band of fellows called generals and colonels, with flaming epaulets,
+cocked hats, and plumes, and prancing chargers vapouring behind him.  It
+was but lately that the daughter of an English marquis was heard to say
+that the sole remaining wish of her heart--she had known misfortunes, and
+was not far from fifty--was to be introduced to--whom?  The Emperor of
+Austria!  The sole remaining wish of the heart of one who ought to have
+been thinking of the grave and judgment was to be introduced to the
+miscreant who had caused the blood of noble Hungarian females to be
+whipped out of their shoulders, for no other crime than devotion to their
+country and its tall and heroic sons.  The middle classes--of course
+there are some exceptions--admire the aristocracy, and consider them
+pinks, the aristocracy who admire the Emperor of Austria, and adored the
+Emperor of Russia till he became old, ugly, and unfortunate, when their
+adoration instantly terminated; for what is more ungenteel than age,
+ugliness, and misfortune!  The beau-ideal with those of the lower
+classes, with peasants and mechanics, is some flourishing railroad
+contractor--look, for example, how they worship Mr. Flamson. {330}  This
+person makes his grand debut in the year '39, at a public meeting in the
+principal room of a country inn.  He has come into the neighbourhood with
+the character of a man worth a million pounds who is to make everybody's
+fortune; at this time, however, he is not worth a shilling of his own,
+though he flashes about dexterously three or four thousand pounds, part
+of which sum he has obtained by specious pretences, and part from certain
+individuals who are his confederates.  But in the year '49 he is really
+in possession of the fortune which he and his agents pretended he was
+worth ten years before--he is worth a million pounds.  By what means has
+he come by them?  By railroad contracts, for which he takes care to be
+paid in hard cash before he attempts to perform them, and to carry out
+which he makes use of the sweat and blood of wretches who, since their
+organization, have introduced crimes and language into England to which
+it was previously almost a stranger--by purchasing, with paper, shares by
+hundreds in the schemes to execute which he contracts, and which are of
+his own devising; which shares he sells as soon as they are at a high
+premium, to which they are speedily forced by means of paragraphs,
+inserted by himself and agents, in newspapers devoted to his interest,
+utterly reckless of the terrible depreciation to which they are almost
+instantly subjected.  But he is worth a million pounds, there can be no
+doubt of the fact--he has not made people's fortunes, at least, those
+whose fortunes it was said he would make; he has made them away, but his
+own he has made, emphatically made it--he is worth a million pounds.
+Hurrah for the millionaire!  The clown who views the pandemonium of red
+brick which he has built on the estate which he has purchased in the
+neighbourhood of the place of his grand debut, in which every species of
+architecture, Greek, Indian, and Chinese, is employed in caricature--who
+hears of the grand entertainment he gives at Christmas in the principal
+dining-room, the hundred wax candles, the waggon-load of plate, and the
+oceans of wine which form parts of it, and above all the two ostrich
+poults, one at the head and the other at the foot of the table, exclaims:
+'Well, if he a'n't bang up, I don't know who be; why he beats my lord
+hollow!'  The mechanic of the borough town, who sees him dashing through
+the streets in an open landau, drawn by four milk-white horses, amidst
+its attendant out-riders; his wife, a monster of a woman, by his side,
+stout as the wife of Tamerlane, who weighed twenty stone, and bedizened
+out like her whose person shone with the jewels of plundered Persia,
+stares with silent wonder, and at last exclaims: 'That's the man for my
+vote!'  You tell the clown that the man of the mansion has contributed
+enormously to corrupt the rural innocence of England; you point to an
+incipient branch railroad, from around which the accents of Gomorrah are
+sounding, and beg him to listen for a moment and then close his ears.
+Hodge scratches his head and says: 'Well, I have nothing to say to that;
+all I know is that he is bang up, and I wish I were he'; perhaps he will
+add--a Hodge has been known to add--'He has been kind enough to put my
+son on that very railroad; 'tis true the company is somewhat queer, and
+the work rather killing; but he gets there half-a-crown a day, whereas
+from the farmers he would only get eighteenpence.'  You remind the
+mechanic that the man in the landau has been the ruin of thousands, and
+you mention people whom he himself knows, people in various grades of
+life, widows and orphans amongst them, whose little all he has
+dissipated, and whom he has reduced to beggary by inducing them to become
+sharers in his delusive schemes.  But the mechanic says: 'Well the more
+fools they to let themselves be robbed.  But I don't call that kind of
+thing robbery, I merely call it out-witting; and everybody in this free
+country has a right to outwit others if he can.  What a turn-out he has!'
+One was once heard to add, 'I never saw a more genteel-looking man in all
+my life except one, and that was a gentleman's walley, who was much like
+him.  It is true he is rather undersized, but then madam, you know, makes
+up for all.'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V--SUBJECT OF GENTILITY CONTINUED
+
+
+In the last chapter have been exhibited specimens of gentility, so
+considered by different classes; by one class, power, youth, and epaulets
+are considered the _ne plus ultra_ of gentility; by another class, pride,
+stateliness, and title; by another, wealth and flaming tawdriness.  But
+what constitutes a gentleman?  It is easy to say at once what constitutes
+a gentleman, and there are no distinctions in what is gentlemanly, {331}
+as there are in what is genteel.  The characteristics of a gentleman are
+high feeling, a determination never to take a cowardly advantage of
+another, a liberal education, absence of narrow views, generosity and
+courage, propriety of behaviour.  Now a person may be genteel according
+to one or another of the three standards described above, and not possess
+one of the characteristics of a gentleman.  Is the Emperor a gentleman,
+with spatters of blood on his clothes, scourged from the backs of noble
+Hungarian women?  Are the aristocracy gentlefolks, who admire him?  Is
+Mr. Flamson a gentleman, although he has a million pounds?  No! cowardly
+miscreants, admirers of cowardly miscreants, and people who make a
+million pounds by means compared with which those employed to make
+fortunes by the getters-up of the South Sea Bubble might be called honest
+dealing, are decidedly not gentle-folks.  Now, as it is clearly
+demonstrable that a person may be perfectly genteel according to some
+standard or other and yet be no gentleman, so is it demonstrable that a
+person may have no pretensions to gentility and yet be a gentleman.  For
+example there is Lavengro!  Would the admirers of the Emperor, or the
+admirers of those who admire the Emperor, or the admirers of Mr. Flamson,
+call him genteel?--and gentility with them is everything!  Assuredly they
+would not; and assuredly they would consider him respectively as a being
+to be shunned, despised, or hooted.  Genteel!  Why, at one time he is a
+hack author--writes reviewals for eighteenpence a page--edits a Newgate
+chronicle.  At another he wanders the country with a face grimy from
+occasionally mending kettles; and there is no evidence that his clothes
+are not seedy and torn, and his shoes down at the heel; but by what
+process of reasoning will they prove that he is no gentleman!  Is he not
+learned?  Has he not generosity and courage?  Whilst a hack author does
+he pawn the books entrusted to him to review?  Does he break his word to
+his publisher?  Does he write begging letters?  Does he get clothes or
+lodgings without paying for them?  Again, whilst a wanderer, does he
+insult helpless women on the road with loose proposals or ribald
+discourse?  Does he take what is not his own from the hedges?  Does he
+play on the fiddle, or make faces in public-houses, in order to obtain
+pence or beer? or does he call for liquor, swallow it, and then say to a
+widowed landlady, 'Mistress, I have no brass'?  In a word, what vice and
+crime does he perpetrate--what low acts does he commit?  Therefore, with
+his endowments, who will venture to say that he is no gentleman?--unless
+it be an admirer of Mr. Flamson--a clown--who will, perhaps, shout: 'I
+say he is no gentleman; for who can be a gentleman who keeps no gig?'
+{332}
+
+The indifference exhibited by Lavengro for what is merely genteel,
+compared with his solicitude never to infringe the strict laws of honour,
+should read a salutary lesson.  The generality of his countrymen are far
+more careful not to transgress the customs of what they call gentility
+than to violate the laws of honour or morality.  They will shrink from
+carrying their own carpet-bag, and from speaking to a person in seedy
+raiment, whilst to matters of much higher importance they are shamelessly
+indifferent.  Not so Lavengro; he will do anything that he deems
+convenient, or which strikes his fancy, provided it does not outrage
+decency, or is unallied to profligacy; is not ashamed to speak to a
+beggar in rags, and will associate with anybody, provided he can gratify
+a laudable curiosity.  He has no abstract love for what is low, or what
+the world calls low.  He sees that many things which the world looks down
+upon are valuable, so he prizes much which the world contemns; he sees
+that many things which the world admires are contemptible, so he despises
+much which the world does not; but when the world prizes what is really
+excellent, he does not contemn it, because the world regards it.  If he
+learns Irish, which all the world scoffs at, he likewise learns Italian,
+which all the world melts at.  If he learns Gypsy, the language of the
+tattered tent, he likewise learns Greek, the language of the college
+hall.  If he learns smithery, he also learns--ah! what does he learn to
+set against smithery?--the law?  No; he does not learn the law, which, by
+the way, is not very genteel.  Swimming!  Yes, he learns to swim.
+Swimming, however, is not genteel; and the world--at least the genteel
+part of it--acts very wisely in setting its face against it; for to swim
+you must be naked, and how would many a genteel person look without his
+clothes?  Come, he learns horsemanship; a very genteel accomplishment,
+which every genteel person would gladly possess, though not all genteel
+people do.
+
+Again as to associates: if he holds communion when a boy with Murtagh,
+the scarecrow of an Irish academy, he associates in after life with
+Francis Ardry, a rich and talented young Irish gentleman about town.  If
+he accepts an invitation from Mr. Petulengro to his tent, he has no
+objection to go home with a rich genius to dinner; who then will say that
+he prizes a thing or a person because they are ungenteel?  That he is not
+ready to take up with everything that is ungenteel he gives a proof, when
+he refuses, though on the brink of starvation, to become bonnet to the
+thimble-man, an office which, though profitable, is positively ungenteel.
+Ah! but some sticker-up for gentility will exclaim, 'The hero did not
+refuse this office from an insurmountable dislike to its ungentility, but
+merely from a feeling of principle.'  Well! the writer is not fond of
+argument, and he will admit that such was the case; he admits that it was
+a love of principle, rather than an over-regard for gentility, which
+prevented the hero from accepting, when on the brink of starvation, an
+ungenteel though lucrative office, an office which, the writer begs leave
+to observe, many a person with a great regard for gentility, and no
+particular regard for principle, would in a similar strait have accepted;
+for when did a mere love for gentility keep a person from being a dirty
+scoundrel, when the alternatives apparently were 'either be a dirty
+scoundrel or starve'?  One thing, however, is certain, which is, that
+Lavengro did not accept the office, which if a love for what is low had
+been his ruling passion he certainly would have done; consequently, he
+refuses to do one thing which no genteel person would willingly do, even
+as he does many things which every genteel person would gladly do, for
+example speaks Italian, rides on horseback, associates with a fashionable
+young man, dines with a rich genius, et cetera.  Yet--and it cannot be
+minced--he and gentility with regard to many things are at strange
+divergency; he shrinks from many things at which gentility placidly hums
+a tune, or approvingly simpers, and does some things at which gentility
+positively sinks.  He will not run into debt for clothes or lodgings,
+which he might do without any scandal to gentility; he will not receive
+money from Francis Ardry, and go to Brighton with the sister of Annette
+Le Noir, though there is nothing ungenteel in borrowing money from a
+friend, even when you never intend to repay him, and something poignantly
+genteel in going to a watering-place with a gay young Frenchwoman; but he
+has no objection, after raising twenty pounds by the sale of that
+extraordinary work 'Joseph Sell,' to set off into the country, mend
+kettles under hedgerows, and make pony and donkey shoes in a dingle.
+Here, perhaps, some plain, well-meaning person will cry--and with much
+apparent justice--how can the writer justify him in this act?  What
+motive, save a love for what is low, could induce him to do such things?
+Would the writer have everybody who is in need of recreation go into the
+country, mend kettles under hedges, and make pony shoes in dingles?  To
+such an observation the writer would answer that Lavengro had an
+excellent motive in doing what he did, but that the writer is not so
+unreasonable as to wish everybody to do the same.  It is not everybody
+who can mend kettles.  It is not everybody who is in similar
+circumstances to those in which Lavengro was.  Lavengro flies from London
+and hack authorship, and takes to the roads from fear of consumption; it
+is expensive to put up at inns, and even at public-houses, and Lavengro
+has not much money; so he buys a tinker's cart and apparatus, and sets up
+as tinker, and subsequently as blacksmith; a person living in a tent, or
+in anything else, must do something or go mad; Lavengro had a mind, as he
+himself well knew, with some slight tendency to madness, and had he not
+employed himself, he must have gone wild; so to employ himself he drew
+upon one of his resources, the only one available at the time.
+Authorship had nearly killed him, he was sick of reading, and had besides
+no books; but he possessed the rudiments of an art akin to tinkering; he
+knew something of smithery, having served a kind of apprenticeship in
+Ireland to a fairy smith; so he draws upon his smithery to enable him to
+acquire tinkering, and through the help which it affords him, owing to
+its connection with tinkering, he speedily acquires that craft, even as
+he had speedily acquired Welsh, owing to its connection with Irish, which
+language he possessed; and with tinkering he amuses himself until he lays
+it aside to resume smithery.  A man who has any innocent resource, has
+quite as much right to draw upon it in need, as he has upon a banker in
+whose hands he has placed a sum; Lavengro turns to advantage, under
+particular circumstances, a certain resource which he has, but people who
+are not so forlorn as Lavengro, and have not served the same
+apprenticeship which he had, are not advised to follow his example.
+Surely he was better employed in plying the trades of tinker and smith
+than in having recourse to vice, in running after milk-maids for example.
+Running after milk-maids is by no means an ungenteel rural diversion; but
+let any one ask some respectable casuist (the Bishop of London for
+example), whether Lavengro was not far better employed, when in the
+country, at tinkering and smithery than he would have been in running
+after all the milkmaids in Cheshire, though tinkering is in general
+considered a very ungenteel employment, and smithery little better,
+notwithstanding that an Orcadian poet, who wrote in Norse about eight
+hundred years ago, reckons the latter amongst nine noble arts which he
+possessed, naming it along with playing at chess, on the harp, and
+ravelling runes, or as the original has it 'treading runes'--that is
+compressing them into a small compass by mingling one letter with
+another, even as the Turkish caligraphists ravel the Arabic letters, more
+especially those who write talismans.
+
+    'Nine arts have I, all noble;
+    I play at chess so free,
+    At ravelling runes I'm ready,
+    At books and smithery;
+    I'm skill'd o'er ice at skimming
+    On skates, I shoot and row,
+    And few at harping match me,
+    Or minstrelsy, I trow.'
+
+But though Lavengro takes up smithery, which, though the Orcadian ranks
+it with chess-playing and harping, is certainly somewhat of a grimy art,
+there can be no doubt that, had he been wealthy and not so forlorn as he
+was, he would have turned to many things, honourable, of course, in
+preference.  He has no objection to ride a fine horse when he has the
+opportunity: he has his day-dream of making a fortune of two hundred
+thousand pounds by becoming a merchant and doing business after the
+Armenian fashion; and there can be no doubt that he would have been glad
+to wear fine clothes, provided he had had sufficient funds to authorize
+him in wearing them.  For the sake of wandering the country and plying
+the hammer and tongs he would not have refused a commission in the
+service of that illustrious monarch George the Fourth, provided he had
+thought that he could live on his pay, and not be forced to run in debt
+to tradesmen, without any hope of paying them, for clothes and luxuries,
+as many highly genteel officers in that honourable service were in the
+habit of doing.  For the sake of tinkering he would certainly not have
+refused a secretaryship of an embassy to Persia, in which he might have
+turned his acquaintance with Persian, Arabic, and the Lord only knows
+what other languages, to account.  He took to tinkering and smithery,
+because no better employments were at his command.  No war is waged in
+the book against rank, wealth, fine clothes, or dignified employments; it
+is shown, however, that a person may be a gentleman and a scholar without
+them.  Rank, wealth, fine clothes, and dignified employments, are no
+doubt very fine things, but they are merely externals, they do not make a
+gentleman, they add external grace and dignity to the gentleman and
+scholar, but they make neither; and is it not better to be a gentleman
+without them than not a gentleman with them?  Is not Lavengro, when he
+leaves London on foot with twenty pounds in his pocket, entitled to more
+respect than Mr. Flamson flaming in his coach with a million?  And is not
+even the honest jockey at Horncastle, who offers a fair price to Lavengro
+for his horse, entitled to more than the scoundrel lord, who attempts to
+cheat him of one-fourth of its value.
+
+Millions, however, seem to think otherwise, by their servile adoration of
+people whom, without rank, wealth, and fine clothes, they would consider
+infamous; but whom, possessed of rank, wealth, and glittering
+habiliments, they seem to admire all the more for their profligacy and
+crimes.  Does not a blood-spot or a lust-spot on the clothes of a
+blooming emperor give a kind of zest to the genteel young god?  Do not
+the pride, superciliousness, and selfishness of a certain aristocracy
+make it all the more regarded by its worshippers?  And do not the
+clownish and gutter-blood admirers of Mr. Flamson like him all the more
+because they are conscious that he is a knave?  If such is the case--and,
+alas! is it not the case?--they cannot be too frequently told that fine
+clothes, wealth, and titles adorn a person in proportion as he adorns
+them; that if worn by the magnanimous and good they are ornaments indeed,
+but if by the vile and profligate they are merely san benitos, and only
+serve to make their infamy doubly apparent; and that a person in seedy
+raiment and tattered hat, possessed of courage, kindness, and virtue, is
+entitled to more respect from those to whom his virtues are manifested
+than any cruel profligate emperor, selfish aristocrat, or knavish
+millionaire in the world.
+
+The writer has no intention of saying that all in England are affected
+with the absurd mania for gentility; nor is such a statement made in the
+book; it is shown therein that individuals of various classes can prize a
+gentleman, notwithstanding seedy raiment, dusty shoes, or tattered
+hat--for example, the young Irishman, the rich genius, the postillion,
+and his employer.  Again, when the life of the hero is given to the
+world, amidst the howl about its lowness and vulgarity, raised by the
+servile crew whom its independence of sentiment has stung, more than one
+powerful voice has been heard testifying approbation of its learning and
+the purity of its morality.  That there is some salt in England--minds
+not swayed by mere externals--he is fully convinced; if he were not, he
+would spare himself the trouble of writing; but to the fact that the
+generality of his countrymen are basely grovelling before the shrine of
+what they are pleased to call gentility he cannot shut his eyes.
+
+Oh! what a clever person that Cockney was, who, travelling in the
+Aberdeen railroad carriage, after edifying the company with his remarks
+on various subjects, gave it as his opinion that Lieutenant P--- {337}
+would, in future, be shunned by all respectable society!  And what a
+simple person that elderly gentleman was, who, abruptly starting, asked,
+in rather an authoritative voice, 'And why should Lieutenant P--- be
+shunned by respectable society?' and who, after entering into what was
+said to be a masterly analysis of the entire evidence of the case,
+concluded by stating, 'that having been accustomed to all kinds of
+evidence all his life, he had never known a case in which the accused had
+obtained a more complete and triumphant justification than Lieutenant
+P--- had done in the late trial.'
+
+Now, the Cockney, who is said to have been a very foppish Cockney, was
+perfectly right in what he said, and therein manifested a knowledge of
+the English mind and character, and likewise of the modern English
+language, to which his catechist, who, it seems, was a distinguished
+member of the Scottish Bar, could lay no pretensions.  The Cockney knew
+what the Lord of Session knew not--that the British public is gentility
+crazy--and he knew, moreover, that gentility and respectability are
+synonymous.  No one in England is genteel or respectable that is 'looked
+at,' who is the victim of oppression.  He may be pitied for a time, but
+when did not pity terminate in contempt?  A poor, harmless young
+officer!--but why enter into the details of the infamous case?  They are
+but too well known, and if ever, cruelty, pride, and cowardice, and
+things much worse than even cruelty, cowardice, and pride, were brought
+to light, and at the same time countenanced, they were in that case.
+What availed the triumphant justification of the poor victim?  There was
+at first a roar of indignation against his oppressors, but how long did
+it last?  He had been turned out of the service, they remained in it with
+their red coats and epaulets; he was merely the son of a man who had
+rendered good service to his country, they were, for the most part,
+highly connected; they were in the extremest degree genteel, he quite the
+reverse.  So the nation wavered, considered, thought the genteel side was
+the safest after all, and then, with the cry of, 'Oh, there is nothing
+like gentility,' ratted bodily.  Newspaper and public turned against the
+victim, scouted him, apologized for the--what should they be called?--who
+were not only admitted into the most respectable society, but courted to
+come, the spots, not merely of wine, on their military clothes giving
+them a kind of poignancy.  But there is a God in heaven; the British
+glories are tarnished--Providence has never smiled on British arms since
+that case--oh, Balaklava! thy name interpreted is net of fishes, and well
+dost thou deserve that name.  How many a scarlet golden fish has of late
+perished in the mud amidst thee, cursing the genteel service and the
+genteel leader which brought him to such a doom!
+
+Whether the rage for gentility is most prevalent amongst the upper,
+middle, or lower classes it is difficult to say; the priest, in the text,
+seems to think that it is exhibited in the most decided manner in the
+middle class; it is the writer's opinion, however, that in no class is it
+more strongly developed than in the lower; what they call being well born
+goes a great way amongst them, but the possession of money much farther,
+whence Mr. Flamson's influence over them.  Their rage against, and scorn
+for, any person who by his courage and talents has advanced himself in
+life, and still remains poor, are indescribable: 'He is no better than
+ourselves,' they say; 'why should he be above us?'  For they have no
+conception that anybody has a right to ascendancy over themselves except
+by birth or money.  This feeling amongst the vulgar has been, to a
+certain extent, the bane of the two services, naval and military.  The
+writer does not make this assertion rashly; he observed this feeling at
+work in the army when a child, and he has good reason for believing that
+it was as strongly at work in the navy at the same time, and is still as
+prevalent in both.  Why are not brave men raised from the ranks? is
+frequently the cry; why are not brave sailors promoted?  The Lord help
+brave soldiers and sailors who are promoted!  They have less to undergo
+from the high airs of their brother-officers, and those are hard enough
+to endure, than from the insolence of the men.  Soldiers and sailors
+promoted to command are said to be in general tyrants; in nine cases out
+of ten, when they are tyrants, they have been obliged to have recourse to
+extreme severity in order to protect themselves from the insolence and
+mutinous spirit of the men: 'He is no better than ourselves; shoot him,
+bayonet him, or fling him overboard!' they say of some obnoxious
+individual raised above them by his merit.  Soldiers and sailors, in
+general, will bear any amount of tyranny from a lordly sot, or the son of
+a man who has 'plenty of brass'--their own term--but will mutiny against
+the just orders of a skilful and brave officer who 'is no better than
+themselves.'  There was the affair of the _Bounty_, for example: Bligh
+was one of the best seamen that ever trod deck, and one of the bravest of
+men; proofs of his seamanship he gave by steering, amidst dreadful
+weather, a deeply-laden boat for nearly four thousand miles over an
+almost unknown ocean; of his bravery at the fight of Copenhagen, one of
+the most desperate ever fought, of which, after Nelson, he was the hero;
+he was, moreover, not an unkind man; but the crew of the _Bounty_
+mutinied against him, and set him, half-naked, in an open boat, with
+certain of his men who remained faithful to him, and ran away with the
+ship.  Their principal motive for doing so was an idea, whether true or
+groundless the writer cannot say, that Bligh was 'no better than
+themselves'; he was certainly neither a lord's illegitimate, nor
+possessed of twenty thousand pounds.  The writer knows what he is writing
+about, having been acquainted in his early years with an individual who
+was turned adrift with Bligh, and who died about the year '22, a
+lieutenant in the navy, in a provincial town in which the writer was
+brought up.  The ringleaders in the mutiny were two scoundrels, Christian
+and Young, who had great influence with the crew, because they were
+genteelly connected.  Bligh, after leaving the _Bounty_, had considerable
+difficulty in managing the men who had shared his fate, because they
+considered themselves 'as good men as he,' notwithstanding that to his
+conduct and seamanship they had alone to look, under heaven, for
+salvation from the ghastly perils that surrounded them.  Bligh himself,
+in his journal, alludes to this feeling.  Once, when he and his
+companions landed on a desert island, one of them said, with a mutinous
+look, that he considered himself 'as good a man as he'; Bligh, seizing a
+cutlass, called upon him to take another and defend himself, whereupon
+the man said that Bligh was going to kill him, and made all manner of
+concessions.  Now, why did this fellow consider himself as good a man as
+Bligh?  Was he as good a seaman?  No, nor a tenth part as good.  As brave
+a man?  No, nor a tenth part as brave; and of these facts he was
+perfectly well aware, but bravery and seamanship stood for nothing with
+him, as they still stand with thousands of his class.  Bligh was not
+genteel by birth or money, therefore Bligh was no better than himself.
+Had Bligh, before he sailed, got a twenty thousand pound prize in the
+lottery, he would have experienced no insolence from this fellow, for
+there would have been no mutiny in the _Bounty_.  'He is our betters,'
+the crew would have said, 'and it is our duty to obey him.'
+
+The wonderful power of gentility in England is exemplified in nothing
+more than in what it is producing amongst Jews, gypsies, and Quakers.  It
+is breaking up their venerable communities.  All the better, someone will
+say.  Alas! alas!  It is making the wealthy Jews forsake the synagogue
+for the opera-house, or the gentility chapel, in which a disciple of Mr.
+Platitude, in a white surplice, preaches a sermon at noon-day from a
+desk, on each side of which is a flaming taper.  It is making them
+abandon their ancient literature, their 'Mischna,' their 'Gemara,' their
+'Zohar,' for gentility novels, 'The Young Duke,' the most unexceptionably
+genteel book ever written, being the principal favourite.  It makes the
+young Jew ashamed of the young Jewess; it makes her ashamed of the young
+Jew.  The young Jew marries an opera dancer, or if the dancer will not
+have him, as is frequently the case, the cast-off Miss of the Honourable
+Spencer So-and-so.  It makes the young Jewess accept the honourable offer
+of a cashiered lieutenant of the Bengal Native Infantry; or if such a
+person does not come forward, the dishonourable offer of a cornet of a
+regiment of crack hussars.  It makes poor Jews, male and female, forsake
+the synagogue for the sixpenny theatre or penny hop; the Jew to take up
+with an Irish female of loose character, and the Jewess with a musician
+of the Guards, or the Tipperary servant of Captain Mulligan.  With
+respect to the gypsies, it is making the women what they never were
+before--harlots; and the men what they never were before--careless
+fathers and husbands.  It has made the daughter of Ursula the chaste take
+up with the base-drummer of a wild-beast show.  It makes Gorgiko Brown,
+{340} the gypsy man, leave his tent and his old wife of an evening, and
+thrust himself into society which could well dispense with him.
+'Brother,' said Mr. Petulengro the other day to the Romany Rye, after
+telling him many things connected with the decadence of gypsyism, 'there
+is one Gorgiko Brown, who, with a face as black as a tea-kettle, wishes
+to be mistaken for a Christian tradesman; he goes into the parlour of a
+third-rate inn of an evening, calls for rum-and-water, and attempts to
+enter into conversation with the company about politics and business.
+The company flout him or give him the cold shoulder, or perhaps complain
+to the landlord, who comes and asks him what business he has in the
+parlour, telling him if he wants to drink to go into the tap-room, and
+perhaps collars him and kicks him out, provided he refuses to move.'
+With respect to the Quakers, it makes the young people, like the young
+Jews, crazy after gentility diversions, worship, marriages, or
+connections, and makes old Pease do what it makes Gorgiko Brown
+do--thrust himself into society which could well dispense with him, and
+out of which he is not kicked, because, unlike the gypsy, he is not poor.
+The writer would say much more on these points, but want of room prevents
+him; he must therefore request the reader to have patience until he can
+lay before the world a pamphlet, which he has been long meditating, to be
+entitled 'Remarks on the strikingly similar Effects which a Love for
+Gentility has produced, and is producing, amongst Jews, Gypsies, and
+Quakers.'
+
+The Priest in the book has much to say on the subject of this gentility
+nonsense; no person can possibly despise it more thoroughly than that
+very remarkable individual seems to do, yet he hails its prevalence with
+pleasure, knowing the benefits which will result from it to the church of
+which he is the sneering slave.  'The English are mad after gentility,'
+says he; 'well, all the better for us.  Their religion for a long time
+past has been a plain and simple one, and consequently by no means
+genteel; they'll quit it for ours, which is the perfection of what they
+admire; with which Templars, Hospitalers, mitred abbots, Gothic abbeys,
+long-drawn aisles, golden censers, incense, et cetera, are connected;
+nothing, or next to nothing, of Christ, it is true, but weighed in the
+balance against gentility, where will Christianity be? why, kicking
+against the beam--ho! ho!'  And in connection with the gentility nonsense
+he expatiates largely, and with much contempt, on a species of literature
+by which the interests of his church in England have been very much
+advanced--all genuine priests have a thorough contempt for everything
+which tends to advance the interests of their church--this literature is
+made up of pseudo-Jacobitism, Charlie o'er the waterism, or nonsense
+about Charlie o'er the water.  And the writer will now take the liberty
+of saying a few words about it on his own account.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+ON SCOTCH GENTILITY-NONSENSE--CHARLIE O'ER THE WATERISM
+
+Of the literature just alluded to Scott was the inventor.  It is founded
+on the fortunes and misfortunes of the Stuart family, of which Scott was
+the zealous defender and apologist, doing all that in his power lay to
+represent the members of it as noble, chivalrous, high-minded,
+unfortunate princes; though, perhaps, of all the royal families that ever
+existed upon earth, this family was the worst.  It was unfortunate
+enough, it is true; but it owed its misfortunes entirely to its crimes,
+viciousness, bad faith, and cowardice.  Nothing will be said of it here
+until it made its appearance in England to occupy the English throne.
+
+The first of the family which we have to do with, James, was a dirty,
+cowardly miscreant, of whom the less said the better.  His son, Charles
+I., was a tyrant, exceedingly cruel and revengeful, but weak and
+dastardly; he caused a poor fellow to be hanged in London, who was not
+his subject, because he had heard that the unfortunate creature had once
+bit his own glove at Cadiz, in Spain, at the mention of his name; and he
+permitted his own bull-dog, Strafford, to be executed by his own enemies,
+though the only crime of Strafford was that he had barked furiously at
+those enemies, and had worried two or three of them when Charles shouted,
+'Fetch 'em!'  He was a bitter, but yet a despicable, enemy, and the
+coldest and most worthless of friends; for though he always hoped to be
+able some time or other to hang his enemies, he was always ready to curry
+favour with them, more especially if he could do so at the expense of his
+friends.  He was the haughtiest yet meanest of mankind.  He once caned a
+young nobleman for appearing before him in the drawing-room not dressed
+exactly according to the court etiquette; yet he condescended to flatter
+and compliment him who, from principle, was his bitterest enemy--namely,
+Harrison, when the Republican colonel was conducting him as a prisoner to
+London.  His bad faith was notorious; it was from abhorrence of the first
+public instance which he gave of his bad faith--his breaking his word to
+the Infanta of Spain, that the poor Hiberno-Spainard bit his glove at
+Cadiz; and it was his notorious bad faith which eventually cost him his
+head; for the Republicans would gladly have spared him, provided they
+could have put the slightest confidence in any promise, however solemn,
+which he might have made to them.  Of them it would be difficult to say
+whether they most hated or despised him.  Religion he had none.  One day
+he favoured Popery; the next, on hearing certain clamours of the people,
+he sent his wife's domestics back packing to France, because they were
+Papists.  Papists, however, should make him a saint, for he was certainly
+the cause of the taking of Rochelle.
+
+His son, Charles the Second, though he passed his youth in the school of
+adversity, learned no other lesson from it than the following one--take
+care of yourself, and never do an action, either good or bad, which is
+likely to bring you into any great difficulty; and this maxim he acted up
+to as soon as he came to the throne.  He was a Papist, but took especial
+care not to acknowledge his religion, at which he frequently scoffed,
+till just before his last gasp, when he knew that he could lose nothing,
+and hoped to gain everything by it.  He was always in want of money, but
+took care not to tax the country beyond all endurable bounds, preferring,
+to such a bold and dangerous course, to become the secret pensioner of
+Louis, to whom, in return for his gold, he sacrificed the honour and
+interests of Britain.  He was too lazy and sensual to delight in playing
+the part of a tyrant himself; but he never checked tyranny in others,
+save in one instance.  He permitted beastly butchers to commit
+unmentionable horrors on the feeble, unarmed, and disunited Covenanters
+of Scotland, but checked them when they would fain have endeavoured to
+play the same game on the numerous, united, dogged, and warlike
+Independents of England.  To show his filial piety, he bade the hangman
+dishonour the corpses of some of his father's judges, before whom, when
+alive, he ran like a screaming hare; but permitted those who had lost
+their all in supporting his father's cause, to pine in misery and want.
+He would give to a painted harlot a thousand pounds for a loathsome
+embrace, and to a player or buffoon a hundred for a trumpery pun, but
+would refuse a penny to the widow or orphan of an old Royalist soldier.
+He was the personification of selfishness; and as he loved and cared for
+no one, so did no one love or care for him.  So little had he gained the
+respect or affection of those who surrounded him, that after his body had
+undergone an after-death examination, parts of it were thrown down the
+sinks of the palace, to become eventually the prey of the swine and ducks
+of Westminster.
+
+His brother, who succeeded him, James the Second, was a Papist, but
+sufficiently honest to acknowledge his Popery, but, upon the whole, he
+was a poor creature; though a tyrant, he was cowardly; had he not been a
+coward he would never have lost his throne.  There were plenty of lovers
+of tyranny in England who would have stood by him, provided he would have
+stood by them, and would, though not Papists, have encouraged him in his
+attempt to bring back England beneath the sway of Rome, and perhaps would
+eventually have become Papists themselves; but the nation raising a cry
+against him, and his son-in-law, the Prince of Orange, invading the
+country, he forsook his friends--of whom he had a host, but for whom he
+cared little--left his throne, for which he cared a great deal, and
+Popery in England, for which he cared yet more, to their fate, and
+escaped to France, from whence, after taking a little heart, he repaired
+to Ireland, where he was speedily joined by a gallant army of Papists
+whom he basely abandoned at the Boyne, running away in a most lamentable
+condition at the time when, by showing a little courage, he might have
+enabled them to conquer.  This worthy, in his last will, bequeathed his
+heart to England, his right arm to Scotland, and his bowels to Ireland.
+What the English and Scotch said to their respective bequests is not
+known, but it is certain that an old Irish priest, supposed to have been
+a great-grand-uncle of the present Reverend Father Murtagh, on hearing of
+the bequest to Ireland, fell into a great passion, and, having been
+brought up at 'Paris and Salamanca,' expressed his indignation in the
+following strain: 'Malditas sean tus tripas! teniamos bastante del olor
+de tus tripas al tiempo de tu nuida dela batalla del Boyne!'
+
+His son, generally called the Old Pretender, though born in England, was
+carried in his infancy to France, where he was brought up in the
+strictest principles of Popery, which principles, however, did not
+prevent him becoming (when did they ever prevent anyone?) a worthless and
+profligate scoundrel.  There are some doubts as to the reality of his
+being a son of James, which doubts are probably unfounded, the grand
+proof of his legitimacy being the thorough baseness of his character.  It
+was said of his father that he could speak well, and it may be said of
+him that he could write well--the only thing he could do which was worth
+doing, always supposing that there is any merit in being able to write.
+He was of a mean appearance, and, like his father, pusillanimous to a
+degree.  The meanness of his appearance disgusted, and his pusillanimity
+discouraged the Scotch when he made his appearance amongst them in the
+year 1715, some time after the standard of rebellion had been hoisted by
+Mar.  He only stayed a short time in Scotland, and then, seized with
+panic, retreated to France, leaving his friends to shift for themselves
+as they best could.  He died a pensioner of the Pope.
+
+The son of this man, Charles Edward, of whom so much in latter years has
+been said and written, was a worthless, ignorant youth, and a profligate
+and illiterate old man.  When young, the best that can be said of him is
+that he had occasionally springs of courage, invariably at the wrong time
+and place, which merely served to lead his friends into inextricable
+difficulties.  When old, he was loathsome and contemptible to both friend
+and foe.  His wife loathed him, and for the most terrible of reasons; she
+did not pollute his couch, for to do that was impossible--he had made it
+so vile; but she betrayed it, inviting to it not only Alfieri the Filthy,
+but the coarsest grooms.  Doctor King, the warmest and almost last
+adherent of his family, said that there was not a vice or crime of which
+he was not guilty; as for his foes, they scorned to harm him even when in
+their power.  In the year 1745 he came down from the Highlands of
+Scotland, which had long been a focus of rebellion.  He was attended by
+certain clans of the Highlands--desperadoes used to freebootery from
+their infancy, and consequently to the use of arms, and possessed of a
+certain species of discipline.  With these he defeated at Prestonpans a
+body of men called soldiers, but who were in reality peasants and
+artizans, levied about a month before, without discipline or confidence
+in each other, and who were miserably massacred by the Highland army.  He
+subsequently invaded England, nearly destitute of regular soldiers, and
+penetrated as far as Derby, from which place he retreated on learning
+that regular forces, which had been hastily recalled from Flanders, were
+coming against him, with the Duke of Cumberland at their head.  He was
+pursued, and his rear-guard overtaken and defeated by the dragoons of the
+Duke at Clifton, from which place the rebels retreated in great confusion
+across the Eden into Scotland, where they commenced dancing Highland
+reels and strathspeys on the bank of the river for joy at their escape,
+whilst a number of wretched girls, paramours of some of them, were
+perishing in the waters of the swollen river in an attempt to follow
+them.  They themselves passed over by eighties and by hundreds,
+arm-in-arm, for mutual safety, without the loss of a man, but they left
+the poor paramours to shift for themselves; nor did any of these canny
+people, after passing the stream, dash back to rescue a single female
+life--no, they were too well employed upon the bank in dancing
+strathspeys to the tune of 'Charlie o'er the water.'  It was, indeed,
+Charlie o'er the water, and canny Highlanders o'er the water, but where
+were the poor prostitutes meantime?  _In the water_.
+
+The Jacobite farce, or tragedy, was speedily brought to a close by the
+Battle of Culloden; there did Charlie wish himself back again o'er the
+water, exhibiting the most unmistakable signs of pusillanimity; there
+were the clans cut to pieces--at least, those who could be brought to the
+charge--and there fell Giles Mac Bean, or, as he was called in Gaelic,
+Giliosa Mac Beathan, a kind of giant, six feet four inches and a quarter
+high, 'than whom,' as his wife said in a coronach she made upon him, 'no
+man who stood at Cuiloitr was taller'--Giles Mac Bean, the Major of the
+clan Cattan, a great drinker, a great fisher, a great shooter, and the
+champion of the Highland host.
+
+The last of the Stuarts was a cardinal.
+
+Such were the Stuarts, such their miserable history.  They were dead and
+buried, in every sense of the word, until Scott resuscitated
+them--how?--by the power of fine writing, and by calling to his aid that
+strange divinity, gentility.  He wrote splendid novels about the Stuarts,
+in which he represents them as unlike what they really were, as the
+graceful and beautiful papillon is unlike the hideous and filthy worm.
+In a word, he made them genteel, and that was enough to give them
+paramount sway over the minds of the British people.  The public became
+Stuart-mad, and everybody, especially the women, said: 'What a pity it
+was that we hadn't a Stuart to govern.'  All parties, Whig, Tory, or
+Radical, became Jacobite at heart, and admirers of absolute power.  The
+Whigs talked about the liberty of the subject, and the Radicals about the
+rights of man still; but neither party cared a straw for what it talked
+about, and mentally swore that, as soon as by means of such stuff they
+could get places, and fill their pockets, they would be as Jacobite as
+the Jacobs themselves.  As for the Tories, no great change in them was
+necessary; everything favouring absolutism and slavery being congenial to
+them.  So the whole nation--that is, the reading part of the nation, with
+some exceptions, for, thank God, there has always been some salt in
+England--went over the water to Charlie.  But going over to Charlie was
+not enough; they must, or at least a considerable part of them, go over
+to Rome, too, or have a hankering to do so.  As the Priest sarcastically
+observes in the text, 'As all the Jacobs were Papists, so the good folks
+who, through Scott's novels, admire the Jacobs must be Papists too.'  An
+idea got about that the religion of such genteel people as the Stuarts
+must be the climax of gentility, and that idea was quite sufficient.
+Only let a thing, whether temporal or spiritual, be considered genteel in
+England, and if it be not followed it is strange indeed; so Scott's
+writings not only made the greater part of the nation Jacobite, but
+Popish.
+
+Here some people will exclaim--whose opinions remain sound and
+uncontaminated--what you say is perhaps true with respect to the Jacobite
+nonsense at present so prevalent being derived from Scott's novels, but
+the Popish nonsense, which people of the genteeler class are so fond of,
+is derived from Oxford.  We sent our sons to Oxford nice honest lads,
+educated in the principles of the Church of England, and at the end of
+the first term they came home puppies, talking Popish nonsense, which
+they had learned from the pedants to whose care we had entrusted them;
+ay, not only Popery, but Jacobitism, which they hardly carried with them
+from home, for we never heard them talking Jacobitism before they had
+been at Oxford; but now their conversation is a farrago of Popish and
+Jacobite stuff: 'Complines and Claverse.'  Now, what these honest folks
+say is, to a certain extent, founded on fact; the Popery which has
+overflowed the land during the last fourteen or fifteen years has come
+immediately from Oxford, and likewise some of the Jacobitism, Popish and
+Jacobite nonsense, and little or nothing else, having been taught at
+Oxford for about that number of years.  But whence did the pedants get
+the Popish nonsense with which they have corrupted youth?  Why, from the
+same quarter from which they got the Jacobite nonsense with which they
+have inoculated those lads who were not inoculated with it
+before--Scott's novels.  Jacobitism and Laudism, a kind of half Popery,
+had at one time been very prevalent at Oxford, but both had been long
+consigned to oblivion there, and people at Oxford cared as little about
+Laud as they did about the Pretender.  Both were dead and buried there,
+as everywhere else, till Scott called them out of their graves, when the
+pedants of Oxford hailed both; ay, and the Pope, too, as soon as Scott
+had made the old fellow fascinating, through particular novels, more
+especially the 'Monastery' and 'Abbot.'  Then the quiet, respectable,
+honourable Church of England would no longer do for the pedants of
+Oxford; they must belong to a more genteel Church--they were ashamed at
+first to be downright Romans--so they would be Lauds.  The pale-looking,
+but exceedingly genteel, non-juring clergyman in Waverley was a Laud; but
+they soon became tired of being Lauds, for Laud's Church, gewgawish and
+idolatrous as it was, was not sufficiently tinselly and idolatrous for
+them, so they must be Popes, but in a sneaking way, still calling
+themselves Church of England men, in order to batten on the bounty of the
+Church which they were betraying, and likewise have opportunities of
+corrupting such lads as might still resort to Oxford with principles
+uncontaminated.
+
+So the respectable people, whose opinions are still sound, are, to a
+certain extent, right when they say that the tide of Popery, which has
+flowed over the land, has come from Oxford.  It did come immediately from
+Oxford, but how did it get to Oxford?  Why, from Scott's novels.  Oh!
+that sermon which was the first manifestation of Oxford feeling, preached
+at Oxford some time in the year '38 by a divine of a weak and confused
+intellect, in which Popery was mixed up with Jacobitism!  The present
+writer remembers perfectly well, on reading some extracts from it at the
+time in a newspaper, on the top of a coach, exclaiming: 'Why, the
+simpleton has been pilfering from Walter Scott's novels!'
+
+Oh, Oxford pedants!  Oxford pedants! ye whose politics and religion are
+both derived from Scott's novels! what a pity it is that some lad of
+honest parents, whose mind ye are endeavouring to stultify with your
+nonsense about 'Complines and Claverse,' has not the spirit to start up
+and cry, 'Confound your gibberish!  I'll have none of it.  Hurrah for the
+Church, and the principles of my _father_!'
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII--SAME SUBJECT CONTINUED
+
+
+Now what could have induced Scott to write novels tending to make people
+Papists and Jacobites, and in love with arbitrary power?  Did he think
+that Christianity was a gaudy mummery?  He did not, he could not, for he
+had read the Bible; yet was he fond of gaudy mummeries, fond of talking
+about them.  Did he believe that the Stuarts were a good family, and fit
+to govern a country like Britain?  He knew that they were a vicious,
+worthless crew, and that Britain was a degraded country as long as they
+swayed the sceptre; but for those facts he cared nothing, they governed
+in a way which he liked, for he had an abstract love of despotism, and an
+abhorrence of everything savouring of freedom and the rights of man in
+general.  His favourite political picture was a joking, profligate,
+careless king, nominally absolute; the heads of great houses paying court
+to, but in reality governing, that king, whilst revelling with him on the
+plunder of a nation, and a set of crouching, grovelling vassals (the
+literal meaning of vassal is a wretch), who, after allowing themselves to
+be horsewhipped, would take a bone if flung to them, and be grateful; so
+that in love with mummery, though he knew what Christianity was, no
+wonder he admired such a Church as that of Rome, and that which Laud set
+up; and by nature formed to be the holder of the candle to ancient
+worm-eaten and profligate families, no wonder that all his sympathies
+were with the Stuarts and their dissipated, insolent party, and all his
+hatred directed against those who endeavoured to check them in their
+proceedings, and to raise the generality of mankind something above a
+state of vassalage that is wretchedness.  Those who were born great,
+were, if he could have had his will, always to remain great, however
+worthless their characters.  Those who were born low, were always to
+remain so, however great their talents; though if that rule were carried
+out, where would he have been himself?
+
+In the book which he called the 'History of Napoleon Bonaparte,' in which
+he plays the sycophant to all the legitimate crowned heads in Europe,
+whatever their crimes, vices, or miserable imbecilities, he, in his
+abhorrence of everything low which by its own vigour makes itself
+illustrious, calls Murat of the sabre the son of a pastry-cook, of a
+Marseilleise pastry-cook.  It is a pity that people who give themselves
+hoity-toity airs--and the Scotch in general are wonderfully addicted to
+giving themselves hoity-toity airs, and checking people better than
+themselves with their birth {348} and their country--it is a great pity
+that such people do not look at home--son of a pastry-cook, of a
+Marseilleise pastry-cook!  Well, and what was Scott himself?  Why, son of
+a pettifogger, of an Edinburgh pettifogger.  'Oh, but Scott was descended
+from the old cow-stealers of Buccleuch, and therefore--'  Descended from
+old cow-stealers, was he?  Well, had he had nothing to boast of beyond
+such a pedigree, he would have lived and died the son of a pettifogger
+and been forgotten, and deservedly so; but he possessed talents, and by
+his talents rose like Murat, and like him will be remembered for his
+talents alone, and deservedly so.  'Yes, but Murat was still the son of a
+pastry-cook, and though he was certainly good at the sabre, and cut his
+way to a throne, still--'  Lord! what fools there are in the world; but
+as no one can be thought anything of in this world without a pedigree,
+the writer will now give a pedigree for Murat, of a very different
+character from the cow-stealing one of Scott, but such a one as the
+proudest he might not disdain to claim.  Scott was descended from the old
+cow-stealers of Buccleuch--was he?  Good! and Murat was descended from
+the old Moors of Spain, from the Abencerages (sons of the saddle) of
+Granada.  The name Murat is Arabic, and is the same as Murad (Le Desire,
+or the wished-for one).  Scott, in his genteel life of Bonaparte, says
+that 'when Murat was in Egypt the similarity between the name of the
+celebrated Mameluke Mourad and that of Bonaparte's Meilleur Sabreur was
+remarked, and became the subject of jest amongst the comrades of the
+gallant Frenchman.'  But the writer of the novel of Bonaparte did not
+know that the names were one and the same.  Now, which was the best
+pedigree, that of the son of the pastry-cook, or that of the son of the
+pettifogger?  Which was the best blood?  Let us observe the workings of
+the two bloods.  He who had the blood of the 'sons of the saddle' in him
+became the wonderful cavalier of the most wonderful host that ever went
+forth to conquest, won for himself a crown, and died the death of a
+soldier, leaving behind him a son, only inferior to himself in strength,
+in prowess, and in horsemanship.  The descendant of the cow-stealer
+became a poet, a novel writer, the panegyrist of great folks and genteel
+people; became insolvent because, though an author, he deemed it
+ungenteel to be mixed up with the business part of authorship; died
+paralytic and broken-hearted because he could no longer give
+entertainments to great folks; leaving behind him, amongst other
+children, who were never heard of, a son, who, through his father's
+interest, had become lieutenant-colonel in a genteel cavalry regiment.  A
+son who was ashamed of his father because his father was an author--a son
+who--paugh!--why ask which was the best blood?
+
+So, owing to his rage for gentility, Scott must needs become the
+apologist of the Stuarts and their party; but God made this man pay
+dearly for taking the part of the wicked against the good; for lauding up
+to the skies miscreants and robbers, and calumniating the noble spirits
+of Britain, the salt of England, and his own country.  As God had driven
+the Stuarts from their throne, and their followers from their estates,
+making them vagabonds and beggars on the face of the earth, taking from
+them all they cared for, so did that same God, who knows perfectly well
+how and where to strike, deprive the apologist of that wretched crew of
+all that rendered life pleasant in his eyes, the lack of which paralyzed
+him in body and mind, rendered him pitiable to others, loathsome to
+himself--so much so that he once said, 'Where is the beggar who would
+change place with me, notwithstanding all my fame?'  Ah! God knows
+perfectly well how to strike.  He permitted him to retain all his
+literary fame to the very last--his literary fame for which he cared
+nothing; but what became of the sweetnesses of life, his fine house, his
+grand company, and his entertainments?  The grand house ceased to be his;
+he was only permitted to live in it on sufferance, and whatever grandeur
+it might still retain to soon became as desolate a looking house as any
+misanthrope could wish to see.  Where were the grand entertainments and
+the grand company?  There are no grand entertainments where there is no
+money; no lords and ladies where there are no entertainments--and there
+lay the poor lodger in the desolate house, groaning on a bed no longer
+his, smitten by the hand of God in the part where he was most vulnerable.
+Of what use telling such a man to take comfort, for he had written the
+'Minstrel' and 'Rob Roy'--telling him to think of his literary fame?
+Literary fame, indeed! he wanted back his lost gentility:
+
+       'Retain my altar,
+    I care nothing for it--but oh! touch not my _beard_.'
+
+                                                PORNY'S _War of the Gods_.
+
+He dies, his children die too, and then comes the crowning judgment of
+God on what remained of his race, and the house which he had built.  He
+was not a Papist himself, nor did he wish anyone belonging to him to be
+Popish, for he had read enough of the Bible to know that no one can be
+saved through Popery, yet had he a sneaking affection for it, and would
+at all times, in an underhand manner, give it a good word both in writing
+and discourse, because it was a gaudy kind of worship, and ignorance and
+vassalage prevailed so long as it flourished; but he certainly did not
+wish any of his people to become Papists, nor the house which he had
+built to become a Popish house, though the very name he gave it savoured
+of Popery.  But Popery becomes fashionable through his novels and
+poems--the only one that remains of his race, a female grandchild,
+marries a person who, following the fashion, becomes a Papist, and makes
+her a Papist too.  Money abounds with the husband who buys the house, and
+then the house becomes the rankest Popish house in Britain.  A
+superstitious person might almost imagine that one of the old Scottish
+Covenanters, whilst the grand house was being built from the profits
+resulting from the sale of writings favouring Popery and persecution, and
+calumniatory of Scotland's saints and martyrs, had risen from the grave,
+and banned Scott, his race, and his house, by reading a certain psalm.
+
+In saying what he has said about Scott the author has not been influenced
+by any feeling of malice or ill-will, but simply by a regard for truth,
+and a desire to point out to his countrymen the harm which has resulted
+from the perusal of his works; he is not one of those who would
+depreciate the talents of Scott, he admires his talents, both as a prose
+writer and a poet.  As a poet especially he admires him, and believes him
+to have been by far the greatest, with perhaps the exception of
+Mickiewicz, who only wrote for unfortunate Poland, that Europe has given
+birth to during the last hundred years.  As a prose writer he admires him
+less, it is true, but his admiration for him in that capacity is very
+high, and he only laments that he prostituted his talents to the cause of
+the Stuarts and gentility.  What book of fiction of the present century
+can you read twice, with the exception of 'Waverley' and 'Rob Roy?'
+There is 'Pelham,' it is true, which the writer of these lines has seen a
+Jewess reading in the steppe of Debreczin, and which a young Prussian
+Baron, a great traveller, whom he met at Constantinople in '44, told him
+he always carried in his valise.  And in conclusion he will say, in order
+to show the opinion which he entertains of the power of Scott as a
+writer, that he did for the spectre of the wretched Pretender what all
+the kings of Europe could not do for his body--placed it on the throne of
+these realms, and for Popery what Popes and Cardinals strove in vain to
+do for three centuries--brought back its mummeries and nonsense into the
+temples of the British Isles.
+
+Scott during his lifetime had a crowd of imitators, who, whether they
+wrote history so called, poetry so called, or novels--nobody would call a
+book a novel if he could call it anything else--wrote Charlie o'er the
+water nonsense, and now that he has been dead a quarter of a century,
+there are others daily springing up who are striving to imitate Scott in
+his Charlie o'er the water nonsense--for nonsense it is, even when
+flowing from his pen.  They, too, must write Jacobite histories, Jacobite
+songs, and Jacobite novels, and much the same figure as the scoundrel
+menials in the comedy cut when personating their masters, and retailing
+their masters' conversation do they cut as Walter Scotts.  In their
+histories, they too talk about the Prince and Glenfinnan, and the
+pibroch; and in their songs about 'Claverse' and 'Bonny Dundee.'  But
+though they may be Scots, they are not Walter Scotts.  But it is perhaps
+chiefly in the novel that you see the veritable hog in armour; the time
+of the novel is of course the '15 or '45; the hero a Jacobite, and
+connected with one or other of the enterprises of those periods; and the
+author, to show how unprejudiced he is, and what _original_ views he
+takes of subjects, must needs speak up for Popery, whenever he has
+occasion to mention it; though, with all his originality, when he brings
+his hero and the vagabonds with which he is concerned before a
+barricadoed house, belonging to the Whigs, he can make them get into it
+by no other method than that which Scott makes his rioters employ to get
+into the Tolbooth, _burning down_ the door.
+
+To express the more than utter foolishness of this latter Charlie o'er
+the water nonsense, whether in rhyme or prose, there is but one word, and
+that word a Scotch word.  Scotch, the sorriest of jargons, compared with
+which even Roth Welsch is dignified and expressive, has yet one word to
+express what would be inexpressible by any word or combination of words
+in any language, or in any other jargon in the world; and very properly;
+for as the nonsense is properly Scotch, so should the word be Scotch
+which expresses it; that word is 'fushionless,' pronounced
+_fooshionless_; and when the writer has called the nonsense
+fooshionless--and he does call it fooshionless--he has nothing more to
+say, but leaves the nonsense to its fate.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII--ON CANTING NONSENSE
+
+
+The writer now wishes to say something on the subject of canting
+nonsense, of which there is a great deal in England.  There are various
+cants in England, amongst which is the religious cant.  He is not going
+to discuss the subject of religious cant; lest, however, he should be
+misunderstood, he begs leave to repeat that he is a sincere member of the
+old-fashioned Church of England, in which he believes there is more
+religion, and consequently less cant, than in any other church in the
+world; nor is he going to discuss many other cants; he shall content
+himself with saying something about two--the temperance cant and the
+unmanly cant.  Temperance canters say that 'it is unlawful to drink a
+glass of ale.'  Unmanly canters say that 'it is unlawful to use one's
+fists.'  The writer begs leave to tell both these species of canters that
+they do not speak the words of truth.
+
+It is very lawful to take a cup of ale, or wine, for the purpose of
+cheering or invigorating yourself when you are faint and down-hearted;
+and likewise to give a cup of ale or wine to others when they are in a
+similar condition.  The Holy Scripture sayeth nothing to the contrary,
+but rather encourageth people in so doing by the text, 'Wine maketh glad
+the heart of man.'  But it is not lawful to intoxicate yourself with
+frequent cups of ale or wine, nor to make others intoxicated, nor does
+the Holy Scripture say that it is.  The Holy Scripture no more says that
+it is lawful to intoxicate yourself or others, than it says that it is
+unlawful to take a cup of ale or wine yourself, or to give one to others.
+Noah is not commended in the Scripture for making himself drunken on the
+wine he brewed.  Nor is it said that the Saviour, when He supplied the
+guests with first-rate wine at the marriage feast, told them to make
+themselves drunk upon it.  He is said to have supplied them with
+first-rate wine, but He doubtless left the quantity which each should
+drink to each party's reason and discretion.  When you set a good dinner
+before your guests, you do not expect that they should gorge themselves
+with the victuals you set before them.  Wine may be abused, and so may a
+leg of mutton.
+
+Second.  It is lawful for anyone to use his fists in his own defence, or
+in the defence of others, provided they can't help themselves; but it is
+not lawful to use them for purposes of tyranny or brutality.  If you are
+attacked by a ruffian, as the elderly individual in 'Lavengro' is in the
+inn-yard, it is quite lawful, if you can, to give him as good a thrashing
+as the elderly individual gave the brutal coachman; and if you see a
+helpless woman--perhaps your own sister--set upon by a drunken lord, a
+drunken coachman, or a drunken coalheaver, or a brute of any description,
+either drunk or sober, it is not only lawful, but laudable, to give them,
+if you can, a good drubbing; but it is not lawful, because you have a
+strong pair of fists, and know how to use them, to go swaggering through
+a fair, jostling against unoffending individuals; should you do so, you
+would be served quite right if you were to get a drubbing, more
+particularly if you were served out by some one less strong, but more
+skilful than yourself--even as the coachman was served out by a pupil of
+the immortal Broughton--sixty years old, it is true, but possessed of
+Broughton's guard and chop.  Moses is not blamed in the Scripture for
+taking part with the oppressed, and killing an Egyptian persecutor.  We
+are not told how Moses killed the Egyptian; but it is quite as creditable
+to Moses to suppose that he killed the Egyptian by giving him a buffet
+under the left ear, as by stabbing him with a knife.  It is true, that
+the Saviour in the New Testament tells His disciples to turn the left
+cheek to be smitten, after they had received a blow on the right; but He
+was speaking to people divinely inspired, or whom He intended divinely to
+inspire--people selected by God for a particular purpose.  He likewise
+tells these people to part with various articles of raiment when asked
+for them, and to go a-travelling without money, and to take no thought of
+the morrow.  Are those exhortations carried out by very good people in
+the present day?  Do Quakers, when smitten on the right cheek, turn the
+left to the smiter?  When asked for their coat, do they say: 'Friend,
+take my shirt also'?  Has the Dean of Salisbury no purse?  Does the
+Archbishop of Canterbury go to an inn, run up a reckoning, and then say
+to his landlady, 'Mistress, I have no coin'?  Assuredly the Dean has a
+purse, and a tolerably well-filled one; and, assuredly, the Archbishop,
+on departing from an inn, not only settles his reckoning, but leaves
+something handsome for the servants, and does not say that he is
+forbidden by the Gospel to pay for what he has eaten, or the trouble he
+has given, as a certain Spanish cavalier said he was forbidden by the
+statutes of chivalry.  Now, to take the part of yourself, or the part of
+the oppressed, with your fists, is quite as lawful in the present day as
+it is to refuse your coat and your shirt also to any vagabond who may ask
+for them, and not to refuse to pay for supper, bed, and breakfast, at the
+Feathers, or any other inn, after you have had the benefit of all three.
+
+The conduct of Lavengro with respect to drink may, upon the whole, serve
+as a model.  He is no drunkard, nor is he fond of intoxicating other
+people; yet when the horrors are upon him he has no objection to go to a
+public-house and call for a pint of ale, nor does he shrink from
+recommending ale to others when they are faint and downcast.  In one
+instance, it is true, he does what cannot be exactly justified; he
+encourages the Priest in the dingle, in more instances than one, in
+drinking more hollands and water than is consistent with decorum.  He has
+a motive indeed in doing so; a desire to learn from the knave in his cups
+the plans and hopes of the Propaganda of Rome.  Such conduct, however,
+was inconsistent with strict fair dealing and openness; and the author
+advises all those whose consciences never reproach them for a single
+unfair or covert act committed by them, to abuse him heartily for
+administering hollands and water to the Priest of Rome.  In that instance
+the hero is certainly wrong; yet in all other cases with regard to drink,
+he is manifestly right.  To tell people that they are never to drink a
+glass of ale or wine themselves, or to give one to others, is cant; and
+the writer has no toleration for cant of any description.  Some cants are
+not dangerous; but the writer believes that a more dangerous cant than
+the temperance cant, or, as it is generally called, teetotalism, is
+scarcely to be found.  The writer is willing to believe that it
+originated with well-meaning, though weak people; but there can be no
+doubt that it was quickly turned to account by people who were neither
+well-meaning nor weak.  Let the reader note particularly the purpose to
+which this cry has been turned in America; the land, indeed, par
+excellence, of humbug and humbug cries.  It is there continually in the
+mouth of the most violent political party, and is made an instrument of
+almost unexampled persecution.  The writer would say more on the
+temperance cant, both in England and America, but want of space prevents
+him.  There is one point on which he cannot avoid making a few brief
+remarks--that is, the inconsistent conduct of its apostles in general.
+The teetotal apostle says it is a dreadful thing to be drunk.  So it is,
+teetotaller; but, if so, why do you get drunk?  I get drunk?  Yes,
+unhappy man, why do you get drunk on smoke and passion?  Why are your
+garments impregnated with the odour of the Indian weed?  Why is there a
+pipe or cigar always in your mouth?  Why is your language more dreadful
+than that of a Poissarde?  Tobacco smoke is more deleterious than ale,
+teetotaller; bile more potent than brandy.  You are fond of telling your
+hearers what an awful thing it is to die drunken.  So it is teetotaller.
+Then take care that you do not die with smoke and passion, drunken, and
+with temperance language on your lips; that is, abuse and calumny against
+all those who differ from you.  One word of sense you have been heard to
+say, which is, that spirits may be taken as a medicine.  Now you are in a
+fever of passion, teetotaller; so, pray take this tumbler of brandy; take
+it on the homoeopathic principle, that heat is to be expelled by heat.
+You are in a temperance fury, so swallow the contents of this tumbler,
+and it will, perhaps, cure you.  You look at the glass wistfully--you say
+you occasionally take a glass medicinally, and it is probable you do.
+Take one now.  Consider what a dreadful thing it would be to die passion
+drunk, to appear before your Maker with _in_temperate language on your
+lips.  That's right!  You don't seem to wince at the brandy.  That's
+right--well done!  All down in two pulls.  Now you look like a reasonable
+being!
+
+If the conduct of Lavengro with regard to drink is open to little
+censure, assuredly the use which he makes of his fists is entitled to
+none at all.  Because he has a pair of tolerably strong fists, and knows
+to a certain extent how to use them, is he a swaggerer or oppressor?  To
+what ill account does he turn them?  Who more quiet, gentle, and
+inoffensive than he?  He beats off a ruffian who attacks him in a dingle;
+has a kind of friendly tuzzle with Mr. Petulengro, and behold the extent
+of his fistic exploits.
+
+Ay, but he associates with prize-fighters; and that very fellow,
+Petulengro, is a prize-fighter, and has fought for a stake in a ring.
+Well, and if he had not associated with prize-fighters, how could he have
+used his fists?  Oh, anybody can use his fists in his own defence,
+without being taught by prize-fighters.  Can they?  Then why does not the
+Italian, or Spaniard, or Affghan use his fists when insulted or outraged,
+instead of having recourse to the weapons which he has recourse to?
+Nobody can use his fists without being taught the use of them by those
+who have themselves been taught, no more than anyone can 'whiffle' {355}
+without being taught by a master of the art.  Now let any man of the
+present day try to whiffle.  Would not anyone who wished to whiffle have
+to go to a master of the art?  Assuredly! but where would he find one at
+the present day?  The last of the whifflers hanged himself about a
+fortnight ago on a bell-rope in a church steeple of 'the old town,' from
+pure grief that there was no further demand for the exhibition of his
+art, there being no demand for whiffling since the discontinuation of
+Guildhall banquets.  Whiffling is lost.  The old chap left his sword
+behind him; let anyone take up the old chap's sword and try to whiffle.
+Now much the same hand as he would make who should take up the whiffler's
+sword and try to whiffle, would he who should try to use his fists who
+had never had the advantage of a master.  Let no one think that men use
+their fists naturally in their own disputes--men have naturally recourse
+to any other thing to defend themselves or to offend others; they fly to
+the stick, to the stone, to the murderous and cowardly knife, or to abuse
+as cowardly as the knife, and occasionally more murderous.  Now which is
+best when you hate a person, or have a pique against a person, to clench
+your fist and say 'Come on,' or to have recourse to the stone, the knife,
+or murderous calumny?  The use of the fist is almost lost in England.
+Yet are the people better than they were when they knew how to use their
+fists?  The writer believes not.  A fisty combat is at present a great
+rarity, but the use of the knife, the noose, and of poison, to say
+nothing of calumny, are of more frequent occurrence in England than
+perhaps in any country in Europe.  Is polite taste better than when it
+could bear the details of a fight!  The writer believes not.  Two men
+cannot meet in a ring to settle a dispute in a manly manner without some
+trumpery local newspaper letting loose a volley of abuse against 'the
+disgraceful exhibition,' in which abuse it is sure to be sanctioned by
+its dainty readers; whereas some murderous horror, the discovery, for
+example, of the mangled remains of a woman in some obscure den, is
+greedily seized hold on by the moral journal and dressed up for its
+readers, who luxuriate and gloat upon the ghastly dish.  Now, the writer
+of 'Lavengro' has no sympathy with those who would shrink from striking a
+blow, but would not shrink from the use of poison or calumny; and his
+taste has little in common with that which cannot tolerate the hardy
+details of a prize-fight, but which luxuriates on descriptions of the
+murder dens of modern England.  But prize-fighters and pugilists are
+blackguards, a reviewer has said; and blackguards they would be, provided
+they employed their skill and their prowess for purposes of brutality and
+oppression; but prize-fighters and pugilists are seldom friends to
+brutality and oppression; and which is the blackguard, the writer would
+ask, he who uses his fists to take his own part, or instructs others to
+use theirs for the same purpose, or the being who from envy and malice,
+or at the bidding of a malicious scoundrel, endeavours by calumny,
+falsehood, and misrepresentation to impede the efforts of lonely and
+unprotected genius?
+
+One word more about the race, all but extinct, of the people
+opprobriously called prize-fighters.  Some of them have been as noble,
+kindly men as the world ever produced.  Can the rolls of the English
+aristocracy exhibit names belonging to more noble, heroic men, than those
+who were called respectively Pearce, Cribb, {357a} and Spring? {357b}
+Did ever one of the English aristocracy contract the seeds of fatal
+consumption by rushing up the stairs of a burning edifice, even to the
+topmost garret, and rescuing a woman from seemingly inevitable
+destruction?  The writer says, No.  A woman was rescued from the top of a
+burning house, but the man who rescued her was no aristocrat; it was
+Pearce, not Percy, who ran up the burning stairs.  Did ever one of those
+glittering ones save a fainting female from the libidinous rage of six
+ruffians?  The writer believes not.  A woman was rescued from the
+libidinous fury of six monsters on --- Down, but the man who rescued her
+was no aristocrat; it was Pearce, not Paulet, who rescued the woman, and
+thrashed my lord's six gamekeepers--Pearce, whose equal never was, and
+probably never will be, found in sturdy combat.  Are there any of the
+aristocracy of whom it can be said that they never did a cowardly, cruel,
+or mean action, and that they invariably took the part of the unfortunate
+and weak against cruelty and oppression?  As much can be said of Cribb,
+of Spring, and the other; but where is the aristocrat of whom as much can
+be said?  Wellington?  Wellington, indeed!  A skilful general, and a good
+man of valour, it is true, but with that cant word of 'duty' continually
+on his lips, did he rescue Ney from his butchers?  Did he lend a helping
+hand to Warner?
+
+In conclusion, the writer would strongly advise those of his
+country-folks who may read his book to have nothing to do with the two
+kinds of canting nonsense described above, but in their progress through
+life to enjoy as well as they can, but always with moderation, the good
+things of this world, to put confidence in God, to be as independent as
+possible, and to take their own parts.  If they are low-spirited, let
+them not make themselves foolish by putting on sackcloth, drinking water,
+or chewing ashes, but let them take wholesome exercise, and eat the most
+generous food they can get, taking up and reading occasionally, not the
+lives of Ignatius Loyola and Francis Spira, but something more agreeable;
+for example, the life and adventures of Mr. Duncan Campbell, the deaf and
+dumb gentleman; the travels of Captain Falconer in America, and the
+journal of John Randall, who went to Virginia and married an Indian wife;
+not forgetting, amidst their eating and drinking, their walks over
+heaths, and by the sea-side, and their agreeable literature, to be
+charitable to the poor, to read the Psalms, and to go to church twice on
+a Sunday.  In their dealings with people to be courteous to everybody, as
+Lavengro was, but always independent like him; and if people meddle with
+them, to give them as good as they bring, even as he and Isopel Berners
+were in the habit of doing; and it will be as well for him to observe
+that he by no means advises women to be too womanly, but bearing the
+conduct of Isopel Berners in mind, to take their own parts, and if
+anybody strikes them, to strike again.
+
+Beating of women by the lords of the creation has become very prevalent
+in England since pugilism has been discountenanced.  Now the writer
+strongly advises any woman who is struck by a ruffian to strike him
+again; or if she cannot clench her fists, and he advises all women in
+these singular times to learn to clench their fists, to go at him with
+tooth and nail, and not to be afraid of the result, for any fellow who is
+dastard enough to strike a woman, would allow himself to be beaten by a
+woman, were she to make at him in self-defence, even if, instead of
+possessing the stately height and athletic proportions of the aforesaid
+Isopel, she were as diminutive in stature, and had a hand as delicate and
+a foot as small as a certain royal lady, who was some time ago assaulted
+by a fellow upwards of six feet high, whom the writer has no doubt she
+could have beaten had she thought proper to go at him.  Such is the
+deliberate advice of the author to his countrymen and women--advice in
+which he believes there is nothing unscriptural or repugnant to
+common-sense.
+
+The writer is perfectly well aware that, by the plain language which he
+has used in speaking of the various kinds of nonsense prevalent in
+England, he shall make himself a multitude of enemies; but he is not
+going to conceal the truth, or to tamper with nonsense, from the fear of
+provoking hostility.  He has a duty to perform, and he will perform it
+resolutely; he is the person who carried the Bible to Spain; and as
+resolutely as he spoke in Spain against the superstitions of Spain, will
+he speak in England against the nonsense of his own native land.  He is
+not one of those who, before they sit down to write a book, say to
+themselves, What cry shall we take up? what principles shall we advocate?
+What principles shall we abuse?  Before we put pen to paper we must find
+out what cry is the loudest, what principle has the most advocates,
+otherwise, after having written our book, we may find ourselves on the
+weaker side.
+
+A sailor of the _Bounty_, waked from his sleep by the noise of the
+mutiny, lay still in his hammock for some time, quite undecided whether
+to take part with the captain or to join the mutineers.  'I must mind
+what I do,' said he to himself, 'lest in the end I find myself on the
+weaker side.'  Finally, on hearing that the mutineers were successful, he
+went on deck, and seeing Bligh pinioned to the mast, he put his fist to
+his nose, and otherwise insulted him.  Now, there are many writers of the
+present day whose conduct is very similar to that of the sailor.  They
+lie listening in their corners till they have ascertained which principle
+has most advocates; then presently they make their appearance on the deck
+of the world with their book; if truth has been victorious, then has
+truth their hurrah! but if truth is pinioned against the mast, then is
+their fist thrust against the nose of truth, and their gibe and their
+insult spirted in her face.  The strongest party had the sailor, and the
+strongest party has almost invariably the writer of the present day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX--PSEUDO-CRITICS
+
+
+A certain set of individuals calling themselves critics have attacked
+'Lavengro' with much virulence and malice.  If what they call criticism
+had been founded on truth, the author would have had nothing to say.  The
+book contains plenty of blemishes, some of them, by-the-by, wilful ones,
+as the writer will presently show; not one of these, however, has been
+detected and pointed out; but the best passages in the book, indeed,
+whatever was calculated to make the book valuable, have been assailed
+with abuse and misrepresentation.  The duty of the true critic is to play
+the part of a leech, and not of a viper.  Upon true and upon malignant
+criticism there is an excellent fable by the Spaniard Iriarte.  The viper
+says to the leech, 'Why do people invite your bite, and flee from mine?'
+'Because,' says the leech, 'people receive health from my bite, and
+poison from yours.'  'There is as much difference,' says the clever
+Spaniard, 'between true and malignant criticism as between poison and
+medicine.'  Certainly a great many meritorious writers have allowed
+themselves to be poisoned by malignant criticism; the writer, however, is
+not one of those who allow themselves to be poisoned by pseudo-critics;
+no! no! he will rather hold them up by their tails, and show the
+creatures wriggling, blood and foam streaming from their broken jaws.
+First of all, however, he will notice one of their objections.  'The book
+isn't true,' say they.  Now one of the principal reasons with those that
+have attacked 'Lavengro' for their abuse of it is, that it is
+particularly true in one instance, namely, that it exposes their own
+nonsense, their love of humbug, their slavishness, their dressings, their
+goings out, their scraping and bowing to great people; it is the showing
+up of 'gentility nonsense' in 'Lavengro' that has been one principal
+reason for the raising of the above cry; for in 'Lavengro' is denounced
+the besetting folly of the English people, a folly which those who call
+themselves guardians of the public taste are far from being above.  'We
+can't abide anything that isn't true!' they exclaim.  Can't they?  Then
+why are they so enraptured with any fiction that is adapted to purposes
+of humbug, which tends to make them satisfied with their own proceedings,
+with their own nonsense, which does not tell them to reform, to become
+more alive to their own failings, and less sensitive about the tyrannical
+goings on of the masters, and the degraded condition, the sufferings, and
+the trials of the serfs, in the star Jupiter?  Had 'Lavengro,' instead of
+being the work of an independent mind, been written in order to further
+any of the thousand and one cants, and species of nonsense prevalent in
+England, the author would have heard much less about its not being true,
+both from public detractors and private censurers.
+
+'But "Lavengro" pretends to be an autobiography,' {360} say the critics;
+and here the writer begs leave to observe, that it would be well for
+people who profess to have a regard for truth, not to exhibit in every
+assertion which they make a most profligate disregard of it; this
+assertion of theirs is a falsehood, and they know it to be a falsehood.
+In the preface 'Lavengro' is stated to be a dream; and the writer takes
+this opportunity of stating that he never said it was an autobiography,
+never authorized any person to say that it was one; and that he has in
+innumerable instances declared in public and private, both before and
+after the work was published, that it was not what is generally termed an
+autobiography; but a set of people who pretend to write criticisms on
+books, hating the author for various reasons--amongst others, because,
+having the proper pride of a gentleman and a scholar, he did not, in the
+year 1843, choose to permit himself to be exhibited and made a zany of in
+London, and especially because he will neither associate with, nor curry
+favour with, them who are neither gentlemen nor scholars--attack his book
+with abuse and calumny.  He is, perhaps, condescending too much when he
+takes any notice of such people; as, however, the English public is
+wonderfully led by cries and shouts, and generally ready to take part
+against any person who is either unwilling or unable to defend himself,
+he deems it advisable not to be altogether quiet with those who assail
+him.  The best way to deal with vipers is to tear out their teeth; and
+the best way to deal with pseudo-critics is to deprive them of their
+poison-bag, which is easily done by exposing their ignorance.  The writer
+knew perfectly well the description of people with whom he would have to
+do, he therefore very quietly prepared a stratagem, by means of which he
+could at any time exhibit them, powerless and helpless in his hand.
+Critics, when they review books, ought to have a competent knowledge of
+the subjects which those books discuss.
+
+'Lavengro' is a philological book, a poem if you chose to call it so.
+Now, what a fine triumph it would have been for those who wished to
+vilify the book and its author, provided they could have detected the
+latter tripping in his philology--they might have instantly said that he
+was an ignorant pretender to philology--they laughed at the idea of his
+taking up a viper up by its tail, a trick which hundreds of country
+urchins do every September, but they were silent about the really
+wonderful part of the book, the philological matter--they thought
+philology was his stronghold, and that it would be useless to attack him
+there; they of course would give him no credit as a philologist, for
+anything like fair treatment towards him was not to be expected at their
+hands, but they were afraid to attack his philology--yet that was the
+point, and the only point, in which they might have attacked him
+successfully; he was vulnerable there.  How was this?  Why, in order to
+have an opportunity of holding up pseudo-critics by the tails, he
+wilfully spelt various foreign words wrong--Welsh words, and even Italian
+words--did they detect these mis-spellings?  Not one of them, even as he
+knew they would not, and he now taunts them with ignorance; and the power
+of taunting them with ignorance is the punishment which he designed for
+them--a power which they might, but for their ignorance, have used
+against him.  The writer, besides knowing something of Italian and Welsh,
+knows a little of Armenian language and literature; but who, knowing
+anything of the Armenian language, unless he had an end in view, would
+say that the word for sea in Armenian is anything like the word tide in
+English?  The word for sea in Armenian is dzow, a word connected with the
+Tebetian word for water, and the Chinese shuy, and the Turkish su,
+signifying the same thing; but where is the resemblance between dzow and
+tide?  Again, the word for bread in ancient Armenian is hats; yet the
+Armenian on London Bridge is made to say zhats, which is not the
+nominative of the Armenian noun for bread, but the accusative.  Now,
+critics, ravening against a man because he is a gentleman and a scholar,
+and has not only the power but also the courage to write original works,
+why did not you discover that weak point?  Why, because you were
+ignorant; so here ye are held up!  Moreover, who with a name commencing
+with Z, ever wrote fables in Armenian?  There are two writers of fables
+in Armenian--Varthan and Koscht, and illustrious writers they are, one in
+the simple and the other in the ornate style of Armenian composition, but
+neither of their names begins with a Z.  Oh, what a precious opportunity
+ye lost, ye ravening crew, of convicting the poor, half-starved,
+friendless boy of the book, of ignorance or misrepresentation, by asking
+who with a name beginning with Z ever wrote fables in Armenian; but ye
+couldn't help yourselves, ye are duncie.  We duncie!  Ay, duncie.  So
+here ye are held up by the tails, blood and foam streaming from your
+jaws.
+
+The writer wishes to ask here, what do you think of all this, Messieurs
+les Critiques?  Were ye ever served so before?  But don't you richly
+deserve it?  Haven't you been for years past bullying and insulting
+everybody whom you deemed weak, and currying favour with everybody whom
+ye thought strong?  '_We_ approve of this.  We disapprove of that.  Oh,
+this will never do.  These are fine lines!'  The lines perhaps some
+horrid sycophantic rubbish addressed to Wellington, or Lord So-and-so.
+To have your ignorance thus exposed, to be shown up in this manner, and
+by whom?  A gypsy!  Ay, a gypsy was the very right person to do it.  But
+is it not galling after all?
+
+Ah, but _we_ don't understand Armenian, it cannot be expected that _we_
+should understand Armenian, or Welsh, or--  Hey, what's this?  The mighty
+_we_ not understand Armenian, or Welsh, or--  Then why does the mighty
+_we_ pretend to review a book like 'Lavengro'?  From the arrogance with
+which it continually delivers itself, one would think that the mighty
+_we_ is omniscient; that it understands every language; is versed in
+every literature; yet the mighty _we_ does not even know the word for
+bread in Armenian.  It knows bread well enough by name in English, and
+frequently bread in England only by its name, but the truth is, that the
+mighty _we_, with all its pretension, is in general a very sorry
+creature, who, instead of saying nous disons, should rather say nous dis:
+Porny in his 'Guerre des Dieux,' very profanely makes the three in one
+say, Je faisons; now, Lavengro, who is anything but profane, would
+suggest that critics, especially magazine and Sunday newspaper critics,
+should commence with nous dis, as the first word would be significant of
+the conceit and assumption of the critic, and the second of the extent of
+the critic's information.  The _we_ says its say, but when fawning
+sycophancy or vulgar abuse are taken from that say, what remains?  Why a
+blank, a void like Ginnungagap.
+
+As the writer, of his own accord, has exposed some of the blemishes of
+his book--a task, which a competent critic ought to have done--he will
+now point out two or three of its merits, which any critic, not
+altogether blinded with ignorance, might have done, or not replete with
+gall and envy would have been glad to do.  The book has the merit of
+communicating a fact connected with physiology, which in all the pages of
+the multitude of books was never previously mentioned--the mysterious
+practice of touching objects to baffle the evil chance.  The miserable
+detractor will, of course, instantly begin to rave about such a habit
+being common--well and good; but was it ever before described in print,
+or all connected with it dissected?  He may then vociferate something
+about Johnson having touched--the writer cares not whether Johnson--who,
+by the by, during the last twenty or thirty years, owing to people having
+become ultra Tory mad from reading Scott's novels and the _Quarterly
+Review_, has been a mighty favourite, especially with some who were in
+the habit of calling him a half-crazy old fool--touched, or whether he
+did not; but he asks where did Johnson ever describe the feelings which
+induced him to perform the magic touch, even supposing that he did
+perform it?  Again, the history gives an account of a certain book called
+the 'Sleeping Bard,' the most remarkable prose work of the most difficult
+language but one, of modern Europe; a book, for a notice of which, he
+believes, one might turn over in vain the pages of any review printed in
+England, or, indeed, elsewhere.  So here are two facts, one literary and
+the other physiological, for which any candid critic was bound to thank
+the author, even as in 'The Romany Rye' there is a fact connected with
+Iro Norman Myth, for the disclosing of which any person who pretends to
+have a regard for literature is bound to thank him, namely, that the
+mysterious Finn or Fingal of 'Ossian's Poems' is one and the same person
+as the Sigurd Fofnisbane of the Edda and the Wilkina, and the Siegfried
+Horn of the Lay of the Niebelungs.
+
+The writer might here conclude, and, he believes, most triumphantly; as,
+however, he is in the cue for writing, which he seldom is, he will for
+his own gratification, and for the sake of others, dropping metaphors
+about vipers and serpents, show up in particular two or three sets or
+cliques of people, who, he is happy to say, have been particularly
+virulent against him and his work, for nothing indeed could have given
+him greater mortification than their praise.
+
+In the first place, he wishes to dispose of certain individuals who call
+themselves men of wit and fashion--about town--who he is told have abused
+his book 'vaustly'--their own word.  These people paint their cheeks,
+wear white kid gloves, and dabble in literature, or what they conceive to
+be literature.  For abuse from such people, the writer was prepared.
+Does anyone imagine that the writer was not well aware, before he
+published his book, that, whenever he gave it to the world, he should be
+attacked by every literary coxcomb in England who had influence enough to
+procure the insertion of a scurrilous article in a magazine or newspaper!
+He has been in Spain, and has seen how invariably the mule attacks the
+horse; now why does the mule attack the horse?  Why, because the latter
+carries about with him that which the envious hermaphrodite does not
+possess.
+
+They consider, forsooth, that his book is low--but he is not going to
+waste words about them--one or two of whom, he is told, have written very
+duncie books about Spain, and are highly enraged with him, because
+certain books which he wrote about Spain were not considered duncie.  No,
+he is not going to waste words upon them, for verily he dislikes their
+company, and so he'll pass them by, and proceed to others.
+
+The Scotch Charlie o'er the water people have been very loud in the abuse
+of 'Lavengro'--this again might be expected; the sarcasms of the Priest
+about the Charlie o'er the water nonsense of course stung them.  Oh! it
+is one of the claims which 'Lavengro' has to respect, that it is the
+first, if not the only work, in which that nonsense is, to a certain
+extent, exposed.  Two or three of their remarks on passages of 'Lavengro'
+he will reproduce and laugh at.  Of course your Charlie o'er the water
+people are genteel exceedingly, and cannot abide anything low.  Gypsyism
+they think is particularly low, and the use of gypsy words in literature
+beneath its gentility; so they object to gypsy words being used in
+'Lavengro' where gypsies are introduced speaking.  'What is Romany
+forsooth?' say they.  Very good!  And what is Scotch?  Has not the public
+been nauseated with Scotch for the last thirty years?  'Ay, but Scotch is
+not--'  The writer believes he knows much better than the Scotch what
+Scotch is, and what it is not; he has told them before what it is, a very
+sorry jargon.  He will now tell them what it's not--a sister or an
+immediate daughter of the Sanscrit, which Romany is.  'Ay, but the Scotch
+are'--foxes, foxes, nothing else than foxes, even like the gypsies--the
+difference between the gypsy and Scotch fox being that the first is wild,
+with a mighty brush, the other a sneak, with a gilt collar and without a
+tail.
+
+A Charlie o'er the water person attempts to be witty because the writer
+has said that perhaps a certain old Edinburgh high-school porter, of the
+name of Boee, was perhaps of the same blood as a certain Bui, a Northern
+Kemp, who distinguished himself at the battle of Horinger Bay.  A pretty
+matter, forsooth, to excite the ridicule of a Scotchman!  Why, is there a
+beggar or trumpery fellow in Scotland who does not pretend to be
+somebody, or related to somebody?  Is not every Scotchman descended from
+some king, kemp, or cow-stealer of old, by his own account at least?
+Why, the writer would even go so far as to bet a trifle that the poor
+creature who ridicules Boee's supposed ancestry has one of his own, at
+least, as grand and as apocryphal as old Boee's of the high school.
+
+The same Charlie o'er the water person is mightily indignant that
+Lavengro should have spoken disrespectfully of William Wallace; Lavengro,
+when he speaks of that personage, being a child of about ten years old,
+and repeating merely what he had heard.  All the Scotch, by-the-by, for a
+great many years past, have been great admirers of William Wallace,
+particularly the Charlie o'er the water people, who in their
+nonsense-verses about Charlie generally contrive to bring in the name of
+William, Willie, or Wullie Wallace.  The writer begs leave to say that he
+by no means wishes to bear hard against William Wallace, but he cannot
+help asking why, if William, Willie, or Wullie Wallace was such a
+particularly nice person, did his brother Scots betray him to a certain
+renowned southern warrior, called Edward Longshanks, who caused him to be
+hanged and cut into four in London, and his quarters to be placed over
+the gates of certain towns?  They got gold, it is true, and titles, very
+nice things no doubt; but surely the life of a patriot is better than all
+the gold and titles in the world--at least, Lavengro thinks so; but
+Lavengro has lived more with gypsies than Scotchmen, and gypsies do not
+betray their brothers.  It would be some time before a gypsy would hand
+over his brother to the harum-beck, {365} even supposing you would not
+only make him a king, but a justice of the peace, and not only give him
+the world, but the best farm on the Holkham estate; but gypsies are wild
+foxes, and there is certainly a wonderful difference between the way of
+thinking of the wild fox who retains his brush, and that of the scurvy
+kennel creature who has lost his tail.
+
+Ah! but thousands of Scotch, and particularly the Charlie o'er the water
+people, will say: 'We didn't sell Willie Wallace; it was our forbears who
+sold Willie Wallace. . . .  If Edward Longshanks had asked us to sell
+Wullie Wallace we would soon have shown him that--'  Lord better ye, ye
+poor trumpery set of creatures, ye would not have acted a bit better than
+your forefathers; remember how ye have ever treated the few amongst ye
+who, though born in the kennel, have shown something of the spirit of the
+wood.  Many of ye are still alive who delivered over men, quite as honest
+and patriotic as William Wallace, into the hands of an English minister,
+to be chained and transported for merely venturing to speak and write in
+the cause of humanity, at the time when Europe was beginning to fling off
+the chains imposed by kings and priests.  And it is not so very long
+since Burns, to whom ye are now building up obelisks rather higher than
+he deserves, was permitted by his countrymen to die in poverty and misery
+because he would not join with them in songs of adulation to kings and
+the trumpery great.  So say not that ye would have acted with respect to
+William Wallace one whit better than your fathers; and you in particular,
+ye children of Charlie, whom do ye write nonsense-verses about?  A family
+of dastard despots, who did their best, during a century and more, to
+tread out the few sparks of independent feeling still glowing in
+Scotland; but enough has been said about ye.
+
+Amongst those who have been prodigal in abuse and defamation of
+'Lavengro' have been your modern Radicals, and particularly a set of
+people who filled the country with noise against the King and Queen,
+Wellington and the Tories, in '32.  About these people the writer will
+presently have occasion to say a good deal, and also of real Radicals.
+As, however, it may be supposed that he is one of those who delight to
+play the sycophant to kings and queens, to curry favour with Tories, and
+to bepraise Wellington, he begs leave to state that such is not the case.
+
+About kings and queens he has nothing to say; about Tories simply that he
+believes them to be a bad set; about Wellington, however, it will be
+necessary for him to say a good deal of mixed import, as he will
+subsequently frequently have occasion to mention him in connection with
+what he has to say about pseudo-Radicals.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X--PSEUDO-RADICALS
+
+
+About Wellington, then, he says, that he believes him at the present day
+to be infinitely overrated.  But there certainly was a time when he was
+shamefully underrated.  Now what time was that?  Why, the time of
+pseudo-Radicalism, par excellence, from '20 to '32.  Oh! the abuse that
+was heaped on Wellington by those who traded in Radical cant--your
+newspaper editors and review writers! and how he was sneered at then by
+your Whigs, and how faintly supported he was by your Tories, who were
+half ashamed of him; for your Tories, though capital fellows as
+followers, when you want nobody to back you, are the faintest creatures
+in the world when you cry in your agony, 'Come and help me!'  Oh!
+assuredly Wellington was infamously used at that time, especially by your
+traders in Radicalism, who howled at and hooted him; said he had every
+vice--was no general--was beaten at Waterloo--was a poltroon--moreover a
+poor illiterate creature, who could scarcely read or write; nay, a
+principal Radical paper said bodily he could not read, and devised an
+ingenious plan for teaching Wellington how to read.  Now this was too
+bad; and the writer, being a lover of justice, frequently spoke up for
+Wellington, saying, that as for vice, he was not worse than his
+neighbours; that he was brave; that he won the fight at Waterloo, from a
+half-dead man, it is true, but that he did win it.  Also, that he
+believed he had read 'Rules for the Manual and Platoon Exercises' to some
+purpose; moreover, that he was sure he could write, for that he the
+writer had once written to Wellington, and had received an answer from
+him; nay, the writer once went so far as to strike a blow for Wellington;
+for the last time he used his fists was upon a Radical sub-editor, who
+was mobbing Wellington in the street, from behind a rank of grimy
+fellows; but though the writer spoke up for Wellington to a certain
+extent when he was shamefully underrated, and once struck a blow for him
+when he was about being hustled, he is not going to join in the loathsome
+sycophantic nonsense which it has been the fashion to use with respect to
+Wellington these last twenty years.  Now what have those years been to
+England?  Why the years of ultra-gentility, everybody in England having
+gone gentility mad during the last twenty years, and no people more so
+than your pseudo-Radicals.  Wellington was turned out, and your Whigs and
+Radicals got in, and then commenced the period of ultra-gentility in
+England.  The Whigs and Radicals only hated Wellington as long as the
+patronage of the country was in his hands, none of which they were
+tolerably sure he would bestow on them; but no sooner did they get it
+into their own, than they forthwith became admirers of Wellington.  And
+why?  Because he was a duke, petted at Windsor and by foreign princes,
+and a very genteel personage.  Formerly many of your Whigs and Radicals
+had scarcely a decent coat on their backs; but now the plunder of the
+country was at their disposal, and they had as good a chance of being
+genteel as any people.  So they were willing to worship Wellington
+because he was very genteel, and could not keep the plunder of the
+country out of their hands.  And Wellington has been worshipped, and
+prettily so, during the last fifteen or twenty years.  He is now a noble
+fine-hearted creature; the greatest general the world ever produced; the
+bravest of men; and--and--mercy upon us! the greatest of military
+writers!  Now the present writer will not join in such sycophancy.  As he
+was not afraid to take the part of Wellington when he was scurvily used
+by all parties, and when it was dangerous to take his part, so he is not
+afraid to speak the naked truth about Wellington in these days, when it
+is dangerous to say anything about him but what is sycophantically
+laudatory.  He said, in '32, that as to vice, Wellington was not worse
+than his neighbours; but he is not going to say, in '54, that Wellington
+was a noble-hearted fellow; for he believes that a more cold-hearted
+individual never existed.  His conduct to Warner, the poor Vaudois, and
+Marshal Ney, showed that.  He said, in '32, that he was a good general
+and a brave man; but he is not going, in '54, to say that he was the best
+general, or the bravest man the world ever saw.  England has produced a
+better general--France two or three--both countries many braver men.  The
+son of the Norfolk clergyman was a braver man; Marshal Ney was a braver
+man.  Oh, that Battle of Copenhagen!  Oh, that covering the retreat of
+the Grand Army!  And though he said in '32 that he could write, he is not
+going to say in '54 that he is the best of all military writers.  On the
+contrary, he does not hesitate to say that any Commentary of Julius
+Caesar, or any chapter in Justinus, more especially the one about the
+Parthians, is worth the ten volumes of Wellington's Despatches; though he
+has no doubt that, by saying so, he shall especially rouse the
+indignation of a certain newspaper, at present one of the most genteel
+journals imaginable--with a slight tendency to Liberalism, it is true,
+but perfectly genteel--which is nevertheless the very one which, in '32,
+swore bodily that Wellington could neither read nor write, and devised an
+ingenious plan for teaching him how to read.
+
+Now, after the above statement no one will venture to say, if the writer
+should be disposed to bear hard upon Radicals, that he would be
+influenced by a desire to pay court to princes, or to curry favour with
+Tories, or from being a blind admirer of the Duke of Wellington; but the
+writer is not going to declaim against Radicals, that is, real
+Republicans, or their principles; upon the whole, he is something of an
+admirer of both.  The writer has always had as much admiration for
+everything that is real and honest as he has had contempt for the
+opposite.  Now, real Republicanism is certainly a very fine thing, a much
+finer thing than Toryism, a system of common robbery, which is,
+nevertheless, far better than Whiggism {368}--a compound of petty
+larceny, popular instruction, and receiving of stolen goods.  Yes, real
+Republicanism is certainly a very fine thing, and your real Radicals and
+Republicans are certainly very fine fellows, or rather were fine fellows,
+for the Lord only knows where to find them at the present day--the writer
+does not.  If he did he would at any time go five miles to invite one of
+them to dinner, even supposing that he had to go to a workhouse in order
+to find the person he wished to invite.  Amongst the real Radicals of
+England, those who flourished from the year '16 to '20, there were
+certainly extraordinary characters, men partially insane, perhaps, but
+honest and brave--they did not make a market of the principles which they
+professed, and never intended to do so; they believed in them, and were
+willing to risk their lives in endeavouring to carry them out.  The
+writer wishes to speak in particular of two of these men, both of whom
+perished on the scaffold--their names were Thistlewood and Ings. {369}
+Thistlewood, the best known of them, was a brave soldier, and had served
+with distinction as an officer in the French service; he was one of the
+excellent swordsmen of Europe; had fought several duels in France, where
+it is no child's play to fight a duel; but had never unsheathed his sword
+for single combat, but in defence of the feeble and insulted.  He was
+kind and open-hearted, but of too great simplicity; he had once ten
+thousand pounds left him, all of which he lent to a friend, who
+disappeared and never returned him a penny.  Ings was an uneducated man,
+of very low stature, but amazing strength and resolution; he was a kind
+husband and father, and though a humble butcher, the name he bore was one
+of the royal names of the heathen Anglo-Saxons.  These two men, along
+with five others, were executed, and their heads hacked off, for levying
+war against George the Fourth; the whole seven dying in a manner which
+extorted cheers from the populace; the most of them uttering
+philosophical or patriotic sayings.  Thistlewood, who was, perhaps, the
+most calm and collected of all, just before he was turned off, said: 'We
+are now going to discover the great secret.'  Ings, the moment before he
+was choked, was singing 'Scots wha ha' wi' Wallace bled.'  Now, there was
+no humbug about those men, nor about many more of the same time and of
+the same principles.  They might be deluded about Republicanism, as
+Algernon Sidney was, and as Brutus was, but they were as honest and brave
+as either Brutus or Sidney, and as willing to die for their principles.
+But the Radicals who succeeded them were beings of a very different
+description; they jobbed and traded in Republicanism, and either parted
+with it, or at the present day are eager to part with it for a
+consideration.  In order to get the Whigs into power, and themselves
+places, they brought the country by their inflammatory language to the
+verge of a revolution, and were the cause that many perished on the
+scaffold; by their incendiary harangues and newspaper articles they
+caused the Bristol conflagration, for which six poor creatures were
+executed; they encouraged the mob to pillage, pull down and burn, and
+then rushing into garrets looked on.  Thistlewood tells the mob the Tower
+is a second Bastile; let it be pulled down.  A mob tries to pull down the
+Tower; but Thistlewood is at the head of that mob; he is not peeping from
+a garret on Tower Hill like Gulliver at Lisbon.  Thistlewood and Ings say
+to twenty ragged individuals, Liverpool and Castlereagh are two
+satellites of despotism; it would be highly desirable to put them out of
+the way.  And a certain number of ragged individuals are surprised in a
+stable in Cato Street, making preparations to put Castlereagh and
+Liverpool out of the way, and are fired upon with muskets by Grenadiers,
+and are hacked at with cutlasses by Bow Street runners; but the twain who
+encouraged those ragged individuals to meet in Cato Street are not far
+off, they are not on the other side of the river, in the Borough, for
+example, in some garret or obscure cellar.  The very first to confront
+the Guards and runners are Thistlewood and Ings; Thistlewood whips his
+long thin rapier through Smithers' lungs, and Ings makes a dash at
+Fitzclarence with his butcher's knife.  Oh, there was something in those
+fellows!--honesty and courage!--but can as much be said for the inciters
+of the troubles of '32.  No; they egged on poor ignorant mechanics and
+rustics, and got them hanged for pulling down and burning, whilst the
+highest pitch to which their own daring ever mounted was to mob
+Wellington as he passed in the streets.
+
+Now, these people were humbugs, which Thistlewood and Ings were not.
+They raved and foamed against kings, queens, Wellington, the aristocracy,
+and what not, till they had got the Whigs into power, with whom they were
+in secret alliance, and with whom they afterwards openly joined in a
+system of robbery and corruption, more flagitious than the old Tory one,
+because there was more cant about it; for themselves they got
+consulships, commissionerships, and in some instances governments; for
+their sons clerkships in public offices; and there you may see those sons
+with the never-failing badge of the low scoundrel-puppy, the gilt chain
+at the waistcoat pocket; and there you may hear and see them using the
+languishing tones, and employing the airs and graces which wenches use
+and employ who, without being in the family way, wish to make their
+keepers believe that they are in the family way.  Assuredly great is the
+cleverness of your Radicals of '32, in providing for themselves and their
+families.  Yet, clever as they are, there is one thing they cannot
+do--they get governments for themselves, commissionerships for their
+brothers, clerkships for their sons, but there is one thing beyond their
+craft--they cannot get husbands for their daughters, who, too ugly for
+marriage, and with their heads filled with the nonsense they have imbibed
+from gentility novels, go over from Socinus to the Pope, becoming sisters
+in fusty convents, or having heard a few sermons in Mr. Platitude's
+'chapelle,' seek for admission at the establishment of mother S---, who,
+after employing them for a time in various menial offices, and making
+them pluck off their eyebrows hair by hair, generally dismisses them on
+the plea of sluttishness; whereupon they return to their papas to eat the
+bread of the country, with the comfortable prospect of eating it still in
+the shape of a pension after their sires are dead.  Papa (ex uno disce
+omnes) living as quietly as he can; not exactly enviably it is true,
+being now and then seen to cast an uneasy and furtive glance behind, even
+as an animal is wont who has lost by some mischance a very sightly
+appendage; as quietly however as he can, and as dignifiedly, a great
+admirer of every genteel thing and genteel personage, the Duke in
+particular, whose 'Despatches,' bound in red morocco, you will find on
+his table.  A disliker of coarse expressions and extremes of every kind,
+with a perfect horror for revolutions and attempts to revolutionize,
+exclaiming now and then, as a shriek escapes from whipped and bleeding
+Hungary, a groan from gasping Poland, and a half-stifled curse from
+down-trodden but scowling Italy, 'Confound the revolutionary canaille,
+why can't it be quiet!'  In a word, putting one in mind of the parvenu in
+the 'Walpurgis Nacht.'  The writer is no admirer of Gothe, but the idea
+of that parvenu was certainly a good one.  Yes, putting one in mind of
+the individual who says:
+
+    'Wir waren wahrlich auch nicht dumm,
+       Und thaten oft was wir nicht sollten;
+    Doch jetzo kehrt sich alles um und um,
+       Und eben da wir's fest erhalten wollten.'
+
+    ('We were no fools, as every one discern'd,
+       And stopp'd at nought our projects in fulfilling;
+    But now the world seems topsy-turvy turn'd,
+       To keep it quiet just when we were willing.')
+
+Now, this class of individuals entertain a mortal hatred for 'Lavengro'
+and its writer, and never lose an opportunity of vituperating both.  It
+is true that such hatred is by no means surprising.  There is certainly a
+great deal of difference between Lavengro and their own sons; the one
+thinking of independence and philology, whilst he is clinking away at
+kettles, and hammering horse-shoes in dingles; the others stuck up at
+public offices with gilt chains at their waistcoat-pockets, and giving
+themselves the airs and graces of females of a certain description.  And
+there certainly _is_ a great deal of difference between the author of
+'Lavengro' and themselves--he retaining his principles and his brush;
+they with scarlet breeches on, it is true, but without their
+republicanism and their tails.  Oh, the writer can well afford to be
+vituperated by your pseudo-Radicals of '32!
+
+Some time ago the writer was set upon by an old Radical {371} and his
+wife; but the matter is too rich not to require a chapter to itself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI--THE OLD RADICAL
+
+
+    'This very dirty man, with his very dirty face,
+    Would do any dirty act, which would get him a place.'
+
+Some time ago the writer was set upon by an old Radical and his wife; but
+before he relates the manner in which they set upon him, it will be as
+well to enter upon a few particulars tending to elucidate their reasons
+for doing so.
+
+The writer had just entered into his eighteenth year, when he met at the
+table of a certain Anglo-Germanist {372a} an individual apparently
+somewhat under thirty, of middle stature, a thin and weaselly figure, a
+sallow complexion, a certain obliquity of vision, and a large pair of
+spectacles.  This person, who had lately come from abroad, and had
+published a volume of translations, {372b} had attracted some slight
+notice in the literary world, and was looked upon as a kind of lion in a
+small provincial capital.  After dinner he argued a great deal, spoke
+vehemently against the Church, and uttered the most desperate Radicalism
+that was perhaps ever heard, saying he hoped that in a short time there
+would not be a king or queen in Europe, and inveighing bitterly against
+the English aristocracy, and against the Duke of Wellington in
+particular, whom he said, if he himself was ever president of an English
+republic--an event which he seemed to think by no means improbable--he
+would hang for certain infamous acts of profligacy and bloodshed which he
+had perpetrated in Spain.  Being informed that the writer was something
+of a philologist, to which character the individual in question laid
+great pretensions, he came and sat down by him, and talked about
+languages and literature.  The writer, who was only a boy, was a little
+frightened at first, but, not wishing to appear a child of absolute
+ignorance, he summoned what little learning he had, and began to blunder
+out something about the Celtic languages and their literature, and asked
+the Lion who he conceived Finn Ma Coul to be? and whether he did not
+consider the 'Ode to the Fox,' by Red Rhys of Eryry, to be a masterpiece
+of pleasantry?  Receiving no answer to these questions from the Lion,
+who, singular enough, would frequently, when the writer put a question to
+him, look across the table and flatly contradict some one who was talking
+to some other person, the writer dropped the Celtic languages and
+literature, and asked him whether he did not think it a funny thing that
+Temugin, generally called Genghis Khan, should have married the daughter
+of Prester John? {373}  The Lion, after giving a side-glance at the
+writer through his left spectacle glass, seemed about to reply, but was
+unfortunately prevented, being seized with an irresistible impulse to
+contradict a respectable doctor of medicine, who was engaged in
+conversation with the master of the house at the upper and further end of
+the table, the writer being a poor ignorant lad, sitting, of course, at
+the bottom.  The doctor, who had served in the Peninsula, having observed
+that Ferdinand the Seventh was not quite so bad as had been represented,
+the Lion vociferated that he was ten times worse, and that he hoped to
+see him and the Duke of Wellington hanged together.  The doctor who,
+being a Welshman, was somewhat of a warm temper, growing rather red, said
+that at any rate he had been informed that Ferdinand the Seventh knew
+sometimes how to behave himself like a gentleman.  This brought on a long
+dispute, which terminated rather abruptly.  The Lion having observed that
+the doctor must not talk about Spanish matters with one who had visited
+every part of Spain, the doctor bowed, and said that he was right, for
+that he believed no people in general possessed such accurate information
+about countries as those who had travelled them as bagmen.  On the Lion
+asking the doctor what he meant, the Welshman, whose under jaw began to
+move violently, replied that he meant what he said.  Here the matter
+ended, for the Lion, turning from him, looked at the writer.  The writer,
+imagining that his own conversation hitherto had been too trivial and
+commonplace for the Lion to consider it worth his while to take much
+notice of it, determined to assume a little higher ground, and after
+repeating a few verses of the Koran, and gabbling a little Arabic, asked
+the Lion what he considered to be the difference between the Hegira and
+the Christian era, adding that he thought the general computation was in
+error by about one year; and being a particularly modest person, chiefly
+he believes owing to his having been at school in Ireland, absolutely
+blushed at finding that the Lion returned not a word in answer.  'What a
+wonderful individual I am seated by,' thought he, 'to whom Arabic seems a
+vulgar speech, and a question about the Hegira not worthy of an answer!'
+not reflecting that as lions come from the Saharra, they have quite
+enough of Arabic at home, and that the question about the Hegira was
+rather mal a propos to one used to prey on the flesh of hadjis.  'Now I
+only wish he would vouchsafe me a little of his learning,' thought the
+boy to himself, and in this wish he was at last gratified, for the Lion,
+after asking him whether he was acquainted at all with the Sclavonian
+languages, and being informed that he was not, absolutely dumbfoundered
+him by a display of Sclavonian erudition.
+
+Years rolled by--the writer was a good deal about, sometimes in London,
+sometimes in the country, sometimes abroad; in London he occasionally met
+the man of the spectacles, who was always very civil to him, and, indeed,
+cultivated his acquaintance.  The writer thought it rather odd that,
+after he himself had become acquainted with the Sclavonian languages and
+literature, the man of the spectacles talked little or nothing about
+them.  In a little time, however, the matter ceased to cause him the
+slightest surprise, for he had discovered a key to the mystery.  In the
+meantime the man of the spectacles was busy enough; he speculated in
+commerce, failed, and paid his creditors twenty pennies in the pound;
+published translations, of which the public at length became heartily
+tired; having, indeed, got an inkling of the manner in which those
+translations were got up.  He managed, however, to ride out many a storm,
+having one trusty sheet-anchor--Radicalism.  This he turned to the best
+advantage--writing pamphlets and articles in reviews, all in the Radical
+interest, and for which he was paid out of the Radical fund; which
+articles and pamphlets, when Toryism seemed to reel on its last legs,
+exhibited a slight tendency to Whiggism.  Nevertheless, his abhorrence of
+desertion of principle was so great in the time of the Duke of
+Wellington's administration, that when S--- {374} left the Whigs and went
+over, he told the writer, who was about that time engaged with him in a
+literary undertaking, that the said S--- was a fellow with a character so
+infamous, that any honest man would rather that you should spit in his
+face than insult his ears with the mention of the name of S---.
+
+The literary project having come to nothing--in which, by-the-by, the
+writer was to have all the labour, and his friend all the credit,
+provided any credit should accrue from it--the writer did not see the
+latter for some years, during which time considerable political changes
+took place; the Tories were driven from, and the Whigs placed in, office,
+both events being brought about by the Radicals coalescing with the
+Whigs, over whom they possessed great influence for the services which
+they had rendered.  When the writer next visited his friend he found him
+very much altered; his opinions were by no means so exalted as they had
+been--he was not disposed even to be rancorous against the Duke of
+Wellington, saying that there were worse men than he, and giving him some
+credit as a general; a hankering after gentility seeming to pervade the
+whole family, father and sons, wife and daughters, all of whom talked
+about genteel diversions--gentility novels, and even seemed to look with
+favour on high Churchism, having in former years, to all appearance, been
+bigoted Dissenters.  In a little time the writer went abroad, as, indeed,
+did his friend; not, however, like the writer, at his own expense, but at
+that of the country--the Whigs having given him a travelling appointment,
+which he held for some years, during which he is said to have received
+upwards of twelve thousand pounds of the money of the country, for
+services which will, perhaps, be found inscribed on certain tablets when
+another Astolfo shall visit the moon.  This appointment, however, he lost
+on the Tories resuming power--when the writer found him almost as radical
+and patriotic as ever, just engaged in trying to get into Parliament,
+into which he got by the assistance of his Radical friends, who, in
+conjunction with the Whigs, were just getting up a crusade against the
+Tories, which they intended should be a conclusive one.
+
+A little time after the publication of 'The Bible in Spain,' the Tories
+being still in power, this individual, full of the most disinterested
+friendship for the author, was particularly anxious that he should be
+presented with an official situation in a certain region a great many
+miles off.  'You are the only person for that appointment,' said he; 'you
+understand a great deal about the country, and are better acquainted with
+the two languages spoken there than anyone in England.  Now, I love my
+country, and have, moreover, a great regard for you, and as I am in
+Parliament, and have frequent opportunities of speaking to the Ministry,
+I shall take care to tell them how desirable it would be to secure your
+services.  It is true they are Tories, but I think that even Tories would
+give up their habitual love of jobbery in a case like yours, and for once
+show themselves disposed to be honest men and gentlemen; indeed, I have
+no doubt they will, for having so deservedly an infamous character, they
+would be glad to get themselves a little credit by a presentation which
+could not possibly be traced to jobbery or favouritism.'  The writer
+begged his friend to give himself no trouble about the matter, as he was
+not desirous of the appointment, being in tolerably easy circumstances,
+and willing to take some rest after a life of labour.  All, however, that
+he could say was of no use, his friend indignantly observing that the
+matter ought to be taken entirely out of his hands, and the appointment
+thrust upon him for the credit of the country.  'But may not many people
+be far more worthy of the appointment than myself?' said the writer.
+'Where?' said the friendly Radical.  'If you don't get it it will be made
+a job of, given to the son of some steward, or, perhaps, to some quack
+who has done dirty work.  I tell you what, I shall ask it for you, in
+spite of you; I shall, indeed!' and his eyes flashed with friendly and
+patriotic fervour through the large pair of spectacles which he wore.
+
+And, in fact, it would appear that the honest and friendly patriot put
+his threat into execution.  'I have spoken,' said he, 'more than once to
+this and that individual in Parliament, and everybody seems to think that
+the appointment should be given to you.  Nay, that you should be forced
+to accept it.  I intend next to speak to Lord A---.' {376a}  And so he
+did, at least, it would appear so.  On the writer calling upon him one
+evening, about a week afterwards, in order to take leave of him, as the
+writer was about to take a long journey for the sake of his health, his
+friend no sooner saw him than he started up in a violent fit of
+agitation, and glancing about the room, in which there were several
+people, amongst others two Whig members of Parliament, said: 'I am glad
+you are come, I was just speaking about you.  This,' said he, addressing
+the two members, 'is so-and-so, the author of so-and-so, the well-known
+philologist; as I was telling you, I spoke to Lord A--- this day about
+him, and said that he ought forthwith to have the head appointment in
+---; {376b} and what did the fellow say?  Why, that there was no
+necessity for such an appointment at all, and if there were, why--And
+then he hummed and ha'd.  Yes,' said he, looking at the writer, 'he did,
+indeed.  What a scandal! what an infamy!  But I see how it will be, it
+will be a job.  The place will be given to some son of a steward or to
+some quack, as I said before.  Oh, these Tories!  Well, if this does not
+make one--'  Here he stopped short, crunched his teeth, and looked the
+image of desperation.
+
+Seeing the poor man in this distressed condition, the writer begged him
+to be comforted, and not to take the matter so much to heart; but the
+indignant Radical took the matter very much to heart, and refused all
+comfort whatsoever, bouncing about the room, and, whilst his spectacles
+flashed in the light of four spermaceti candles, exclaiming, 'It will be
+a job--a Tory job!  I see it all, I see it all, I see it all!'
+
+And a job it proved, and a very pretty job, but no Tory job.  Shortly
+afterwards the Tories were out, and the Whigs were in.  From that time
+the writer heard not a word about the injustice done to the country in
+not presenting him with the appointment to ---; the Radical, however, was
+busy enough to obtain the appointment, not for the writer, but for
+himself, and eventually succeeded, partly through Radical influence, and
+partly through that of a certain Whig lord, for whom the Radical had
+done, on a particular occasion, work of a particular kind.  So, though
+the place was given to a quack, and the whole affair a very pretty job,
+it was one in which the Tories had certainly no hand.
+
+In the meanwhile, however, the friendly Radical did not drop the writer.
+Oh, no!  On various occasions he obtained from the writer all the
+information he could about the country in question, and was particularly
+anxious to obtain from the writer, and eventually did obtain, a copy of a
+work {376c} written in the court language of that country, edited by the
+writer--a language exceedingly difficult, which the writer, at the
+expense of a considerable portion of his eyesight, had acquired, at least
+as far as by the eyesight it could be acquired.  What use the writer's
+friend made of the knowledge he had gained from him, and what use he made
+of the book, the writer can only guess; but he has little doubt that when
+the question of sending a person to --- was mooted in a Parliamentary
+Committee--which it was at the instigation of the Radical supporters of
+the writer's friend--the Radical, on being examined about the country,
+gave the information which he had obtained from the writer as his own,
+and flashed the book and its singular characters in the eyes of the
+Committee; and then, of course, his Radical friends would instantly say,
+'This is the man! there is no one like him.  See what information he
+possesses; and see that book written by himself in the court language of
+Serendib.  This is the only man to send there.  What a glory, what a
+triumph it would be to Britain, to send out a man so deeply versed in the
+mysterious lore of ---, as our illustrious countryman--a person who with
+his knowledge could beat with their own weapons the wise men of ---!  Is
+such an opportunity to be lost?  Oh, no! surely not!  If it is it will be
+an eternal disgrace to England, and the world will see that Whigs are no
+better than Tories.'
+
+Let no one think the writer uncharitable in these suppositions.  The
+writer is only too well acquainted with the antecedents of the
+individual, to entertain much doubt that he would shrink from any such
+conduct, provided he thought that his temporal interest would be
+forwarded by it.  The writer is aware of more than one instance in which
+he has passed off the literature of friendless young men for his own,
+after making them a slight pecuniary compensation, and deforming what was
+originally excellent by interpolations of his own.  This was his especial
+practice with regard to translation, of which he would fain be esteemed
+the king.  This Radical literato is slightly acquainted with four or five
+of the easier dialects of Europe, on the strength of which knowledge he
+would fain pass for a universal linguist, publishing translations of
+pieces originally written in various difficult languages; which
+translations, however, were either made by himself from literal
+renderings done for him into French or German, or had been made from the
+originals into English, by friendless young men, and then deformed by his
+alterations.
+
+Well, the Radical got the appointment, and the writer certainly did not
+grudge it him.  He, of course, was aware that his friend had behaved in a
+very base manner towards him, but he bore him no ill-will, and invariably
+when he heard him spoken against, which was frequently the case, took his
+part when no other person would; indeed, he could well afford to bear him
+no ill-will.  He had never sought for the appointment, nor wished for it,
+nor, indeed, ever believed himself qualified for it.  He was conscious,
+it is true, that he was not altogether unacquainted with the language and
+literature of the country with which the appointment was connected.  He
+was likewise aware that he was not altogether deficient in courage and in
+propriety of behaviour.  He knew that his appearance was not particularly
+against him; his face not being like that of a convicted pickpocket, nor
+his gait resembling that of a fox who has lost his tail; yet he never
+believed himself adapted for the appointment, being aware that he had no
+aptitude for the doing of dirty work, if called to do it, nor pliancy
+which would enable him to submit to scurvy treatment, whether he did
+dirty work or not--requisites, at the time of which he is speaking,
+indispensable in every British official; requisites, by-the-by, which his
+friend, the Radical, possessed in a high degree; but though he bore no
+ill-will towards his friend, his friend bore anything but good-will
+towards him; for from the moment that he had obtained the appointment for
+himself, his mind was filled with the most bitter malignity against the
+writer, and naturally enough; for no one ever yet behaved in a base
+manner towards another, without forthwith conceiving a mortal hatred
+against him.  You wrong another, know yourself to have acted basely, and
+are enraged, not against yourself--for no one hates himself--but against
+the innocent cause of your baseness; reasoning very plausibly, 'But for
+that fellow, I should never have been base; for had he not existed I
+could not have been so, at any rate against him;' and this hatred is all
+the more bitter, when you reflect that you have been needlessly base.
+
+Whilst the Tories are in power the writer's friend, of his own accord,
+raves against the Tories because they do not give the writer a certain
+appointment, and makes, or says he makes, desperate exertions to make
+them do so; but no sooner are the Tories out, with whom he has no
+influence, and the Whigs in, with whom he, or rather his party, has
+influence, than he gets the place for himself, though, according to his
+own expressed opinion--an opinion with which the writer does not, and
+never did, concur--the writer was the only person competent to hold it.
+Now had he, without saying a word to the writer, or about the writer with
+respect to the employment, got the place for himself when he had an
+opportunity, knowing, as he very well knew, himself to be utterly
+unqualified for it, the transaction, though a piece of jobbery, would not
+have merited the title of a base transaction; as the matter stands,
+however, who can avoid calling the whole affair not only a piece
+of--come, come, out with the word--scoundrelism on the part of the
+writer's friend, but a most curious piece of uncalled-for scoundrelism?
+and who, with any knowledge of fallen human nature, can wonder at the
+writer's friend entertaining towards him a considerable portion of gall
+and malignity!
+
+This feeling on the part of the writer's friend was wonderfully increased
+by the appearance of Lavengro, many passages of which the Radical in his
+foreign appointment applied to himself and family--one or two of his
+children having gone over to Popery, the rest become members of Mr.
+Platitude's chapel, and the minds of all being filled with ultra notions
+of gentility.
+
+The writer, hearing that his old friend had returned to England, to
+apply, he believes, for an increase of salary, and for a title, called
+upon him, unwillingly, it is true, for he had no wish to see a person for
+whom, though he bore him no ill-will, he could not avoid feeling a
+considerable portion of contempt, the truth is, that his sole object in
+calling was to endeavour to get back a piece of literary property which
+his friend had obtained from him many years previously, and which, though
+he had frequently applied for it, he never could get back.  Well, the
+writer called; he did not get his property, which, indeed, he had
+scarcely time to press for, being almost instantly attacked by his good
+friend and his wife--yes, it was then that the author was set upon by an
+old Radical and his wife--the wife, who looked the very image of shame
+and malignity, did not say much, it is true, but encouraged her husband
+in all he said.  Both of their own accord introduced the subject of
+'Lavengro.'  The Radical called the writer a grumbler, just as if there
+had ever been a greater grumbler than himself until, by the means above
+described, he had obtained a place: he said that the book contained a
+melancholy view of human nature--just as if anybody could look in his
+face without having a melancholy view of human nature.  On the writer
+quietly observing that the book contained an exposition of his
+principles, the pseudo-Radical replied, that he cared nothing for his
+principles--which was probably true, it not being likely that he would
+care for another person's principles after having shown so thorough a
+disregard for his own.  The writer said that the book, of course, would
+give offence to humbugs; the Radical then demanded whether he thought him
+a humbug?--the wretched wife was the Radical's protection, even as he
+knew she would be; it was on her account that the writer did not kick his
+good friend; as it was, he looked at him in the face and thought to
+himself, 'How is it possible I should think you a humbug, when only last
+night I was taking your part in a company in which everybody called you a
+humbug?'
+
+The Radical, probably observing something in the writer's eye which he
+did not like, became all on a sudden abjectly submissive, and, professing
+the highest admiration for the writer, begged him to visit him in his
+government; this the writer promised faithfully to do, and he takes the
+present opportunity of performing his promise.
+
+This is one of the pseudo-Radical calumniators of 'Lavengro' and its
+author; were the writer on his death-bed he would lay his hand on his
+heart and say, that he does not believe that there is one trait of
+exaggeration in the portrait which he has drawn.  This is one of the
+pseudo-Radical calumniators of 'Lavengro' and its author; and this is one
+of the genus, who, after having railed against jobbery for perhaps a
+quarter of a century, at present batten on large official salaries which
+they do not earn.  England is a great country, and her interests require
+that she should have many a well-paid official both at home and abroad;
+but will England long continue a great country if the care of her
+interests both at home and abroad, is in many instances entrusted to
+beings like him described above, whose only recommendation for an
+official appointment was that he was deeply versed in the secrets of his
+party and of the Whigs?
+
+Before he concludes, the writer will take the liberty of saying of
+'Lavengro' that it is a book written for the express purpose of
+inculcating virtue, love of country, learning, manly pursuits, and
+genuine religion, for example, that of the Church of England, and for
+awakening a contempt for nonsense of every kind, and a hatred for
+priestcraft, more especially that of Rome.
+
+And in conclusion, with respect to many passages of his book, in which he
+has expressed himself in terms neither measured nor mealy, he will beg
+leave to observe, in the words of a great poet, who lived a profligate
+life it is true, but who died a sincere penitent--thanks, after God, to
+good Bishop Burnet--
+
+    'All this with indignation I have hurl'd
+    At the pretending part of this proud world,
+    Who, swollen with selfish vanity, devise
+    False freedoms, formal cheats, and holy lies,
+    Over their fellow fools to tyrannize.'
+
+                                                                ROCHESTER.
+
+                                 THE END.
+
+               BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD
+
+
+
+
+Footnotes:
+
+
+{0a}  'Lavengro,' i. 265.
+
+{0b}  _Ibid._, i. 340.
+
+{0c}  His 'Celebrated Trials' was published March 19, 1825.
+
+{0d}  Accounts of this fight, extracted from the _Times _and _Morning
+Herald_, are given in Hone's 'Every Day Book,' vol. i., 1826.
+
+{0e}  References to the attempts of the authorities to suppress this fair
+will be found in the _Times _of Tuesday, May 24, 1825, and a description
+of the fair of 1825 is given in Hone's 'Every Day Book' of the following
+year (1826).
+
+{0f}  Borrow says '_two _or _three _days passed by in much the same
+manner as the first.'  Since one of these days was Sunday, the latter
+seems the more probable; but if only two days passed, then Borrow must
+have left London one day later--_i.e._, Wednesday, May 25, 1825.
+
+{0g}  The fair-town lay, therefore, to the east of Willenhall.
+
+{0h}  For these astronomical calculations I am indebted to my colleague,
+Mr. W. E. Plummer, of the Liverpool Observatory.
+
+{0i}  'Life of Borrow,' i. 104.
+
+{0j}  His calculation, for instance, gives one day too many at Salisbury,
+and places the poison episode and the Sunday with the preacher, which
+were two consecutive days, on the 8th and 12th respectively!
+
+{0k}  This is the date given in Knapp's 'Life of Borrow,' and also as a
+page heading in his edition of 'Lavengro,' p. 289.  But in a note to his
+edition of 'The Romany Rye,' p. 385, he says that the fair was 'on
+Easter-Monday' (April 3).
+
+{0l}  Thorpe's 'Environs of London,' p. 48.
+
+{0m}  See chapter xxiv.
+
+{0n}  'Life of Borrow,' i. 103.  'There were _Sells _at Norwich; their
+great artist was John Sell Cotman.'  And there have been _Sells
+_elsewhere--_nomen omen_! to borrow one of Mr. Groome's favourite
+quotations.
+
+{0o}  'The Romany Rye,' Appendix, chapter ix.
+
+{0p}  _Ibid._, Appendix, chapter ii.  'He eats his own bread, and is one
+of the very few men in England who are independent in every sense of the
+word.'
+
+{0q}  It looks as if he met Jasper by appointment at the Welsh border.
+But extraordinary rencontres are commonplace in Borrow's career.  He
+meets the Apple-woman's Armenian customer and restores his purse, he
+meets Ardrey as he is leaving London, and later at the inn on the Great
+North Road, where he also meets the Man in Black, Mr. Platitude, and the
+Postillion.  He meets the Apple-woman's son after leaving Salisbury, and
+six days later meets Slingsby, whom he had met as a boy at Tamworth.  He
+meets Mrs. Herne--or, rather, she meets him--in the Shropshire dingle; he
+meets his Irish friend Murtagh at Horncastle, at the same fair; and in
+the person of Jack Dale, he meets the pseudo-Quaker's son, who many years
+ago had robbed the old Chinese scholar from whom Borrow had just parted.
+
+{0r}  Christmas Day.
+
+{0s}  Irishman.
+
+{0t}  Guineas.
+
+{0u}  Borrow had accompanied the preacher and his wife to the Welsh
+border, where he meets Mr. Petulengro and _turns back._
+
+{0v}  'Lavengro,' ii. 262.
+
+{0w}  _Ibid._, ii. 263.
+
+{0x}  _Ibid._, ii. 264.
+
+{0y}  _Ibid._, chapter x.
+
+{0z}  'The Romany Rye,' chapter xii.
+
+{0z1}  Lavengro, ii. 281.
+
+{0z2}  'Lavengro,' ed. Knapp, notes, p. 567.  '"Mumpers' Dingle," near
+Willenhall, Staffordshire.  The place is properly Momber or Monmer Lane,
+and is now occupied by the "Monmer Lane Ironworks," hence totally
+obliterated.'
+
+{0z3}  'Lavengro,' ii. 249.
+
+{0z4}  See the 'Gypsy List' appended to Knapp's ed. of 'The Romany Rye.'
+
+{0z5}  'Wild Wales,' iii. 352.
+
+{0z6}  'Lavengro' was published February 7, 1851.
+
+{5a}  'The earthern jugs out of which the people of Norfolk drink are
+called gotches.'--WRIGHT: 'Provincial Dict.'
+
+{5b}  Barberini.
+
+{6a}  By Gregorio Leti, 2 v., 12o, 1667.
+
+{6b}  Clement XIV., d. 1774.
+
+{21}  L'Alcoran des Cordeliers: c'est a dire Recueil des plus notables
+bourdes et blasphemes de ceux qui ont ose comparer Sainct Francois a
+Jesus Christ; tire du grand livre des conformitez, iadis compose par
+frere Barthelemi de Pise.--12o, Geneve, 1578.
+
+{23}  The British and Foreign Bible Society.  Borrow acted as the
+Society's agent in Russia and Spain, 1833-1839.
+
+{26a}  Rome.
+
+{26b}  Sir Thomas Dereham, d. 1739.
+
+{27}  'Celebrated Trials and Remarkable Cases of Criminal Jurisprudence,
+from the Earliest Records to the Year 1825.'  6 vols., 8o, published
+March 19, 1825.
+
+{29a}  _I.e._ Petulengro, the gypsy word for 'smith.'
+
+{29b}  In the autograph MS. 'Ambrose' is written throughout (Kn.).
+
+{29c}  Correctly _kekaviako saster_, 'kettle-prop.'
+
+{30a}  It should be 'blanket.'
+
+{30b}  Plenty of gypsies.
+
+{31a}  Correct.
+
+{31b}  'Gentlemen and ladies.'
+
+{31c}  Let it be.
+
+{32}  Jade.
+
+{33}  Borrow is fond of using 'Roman' and 'Roumanian' in the sense of
+'Romany'; but no gypsy ever does so.
+
+{34a}  Knapp quotes from Borrow's MSS. the rest of this ditty:
+
+    'Sore the chavies 'dre their ten
+    Are chories and lubbenies--tatchipen.'
+
+The song may be translated:
+
+    There's a wizard and witch of evil fame,
+    And Petulengro it is their name;
+    Within their tent each lass and youth
+    Is a wanton or thief--I tell you truth.
+
+{34b}  Tent.
+
+{36a}  See 'Lavengro,' i. 158, note.
+
+{36b}  Lady.
+
+{36c}  His real name seems to have been Anselo Herne.  See p. 72.
+
+{36d}  Brother.
+
+{38}  The girl she is black.  See p. 182, note.
+
+{39a}  See Introduction.
+
+{39b}  _Ibid._
+
+{40}  Better _gaujo_, 'gentile.'
+
+{41}  Smiths.
+
+{43a}  Only used by gypsies in the phrase 'Romani chal.'
+
+{43b}  According to Knapp, this song was built up from a slender prose
+draft, three separate versions of it occurring in his MSS.
+
+{44a}  'People.'  Not Anglo Romani.  The English gypsies use the loan
+word _foki_.
+
+{44b}  Better _trupos_.
+
+{44c}  Better _raati_.
+
+{44d}  For _hotcher_, 'to burn,' but the right word for 'roast' is _pek_.
+
+{44e}  _Boshimengro_, fiddler.
+
+{44f}  _Tarni juvel_, 'young woman.'
+
+{45a}  The apothecary.
+
+{45b} Lit., entrail.
+
+{46a}  The best of Borrow's songs, here or elsewhere.  Knapp gives no
+account of it, but the Romani is evidently Borrow's own, and does not
+admit of our taking it for a modernization of a genuine old gypsy song.
+Imitating the uncouth lilt of the original, this piece may be translated:
+
+    Said the gipsy girl to her mother dear,
+    'O mother dear, a sad load I bear.'
+    'And who gave thee that load to bear,
+    My gypsy girl, my own daughter dear?'
+    'O mother dear, 'twas a lord so proud,
+    A lord so rich of gentile blood,
+    That on a mettled stallion rode--
+    'Twas he gave me this heavy load.'
+    'Thou harlot young, thou harlot vile,
+    Begone! my tent no more defile;
+    Had gypsy seed within thee sprung,
+    No angry word had left my tongue,
+    But thou art a harlot base and lewd,
+    To stain thyself with gentile blood!'
+
+{46b}  Pronounced _chy_, 'girl.'
+
+{46c}  Better _kabni_, 'enceinte.'
+
+{46d}  'What,' incorrectly for _kon_, 'who.'
+
+{46e}  Better _barvalo_, 'rich.'
+
+{46f}  Lit., 'what's,' incorrectly for _te_, 'that.'
+
+{46g}  Read _kister'd_, 'rode.'
+
+{46h}  Better _jal_, 'go.'
+
+{46i}  Better _avri_, 'out.'
+
+{46j}  Pronounced _chee_, 'nothing.'
+
+{46k}  Read _gorjiko_.
+
+{47a}  Incorrectly for _baulay_, 'pigs.'
+
+{47b}  Better _balovas_, 'pigmeat.'
+
+{48}  Lit., 'sweet bee.'
+
+{49}  'Tell their fortunes,' but no gypsy would say anything except
+_dukker lende_.
+
+{50}  Jasper's real name.  See p. 29 note.
+
+{51a}  King.
+
+{51b}  Book.
+
+{52} See Introduction.
+
+{54a}  East Dereham.
+
+{54b}  Better _krallis_, 'king.'
+
+{57}  See Introduction.
+
+{59a}  'Cuckooing,' a made-up word.
+
+{59b}  Fortune-telling.
+
+{59c}  Authorship.
+
+{61a}  Ghost (Borrovian Gy.).
+
+{61b}  See 'Lavengro,' i. 139.
+
+{62a}  Lady.
+
+{62b}  _Cf._ 'King Lear,' II. iv. 56:
+
+    'O, how this mother swells up toward my heart!
+    Hysterica passio, down, thou climbing sorrow,
+    Thy elements below!'
+
+{63}  Gypsy girls.
+
+{64}  'My God's book,' the Bible.
+
+{65a}  Steal.
+
+{65b}  Better _hokker_, 'lie.'
+
+{66}  Harlot.
+
+{67}  God.
+
+{68a}  Kiss.
+
+{68b}  Uncles.
+
+{69}  Father (Spanish Gy.); the true word is _dad_.
+
+{70}  Law (Spanish Gy.).
+
+{71a}  Enceinte.
+
+{71b}  Uncles and brothers.
+
+{71c}  Tent.
+
+{72}  Generally speaking, there is no purer gypsy clan than the Hernes.
+
+{73a}  Read 'Boswell.'
+
+{73b}  See pp. 261-264.
+
+{73c}  Fighting-man.
+
+{74a}  Hill-town, _i.e._, Norfolk.
+
+{74b}  July 17, 1820.  See 'Lavengro,' chap. xxvi.
+
+{75}  Lovell.
+
+{77a}  Better _pokonyes_, 'justice of the peace.'
+
+{77b}  Bow Street runners--Gy. _prastermengre_.
+
+{77c}  Better _patrin_; the use of this word in the proper sense of
+'leaf' is not so rare among English gypsies.
+
+{81}  Gypsies nowadays are generally married in church.  They like the
+pomp.
+
+{84}  Simpson, member of the firm of Simpson and Rackham, Norwich, where
+Borrow served his articles.
+
+{87}  See pp. 88, 147, 164, and Introduction; 'Lavengro,' ii. 44, _et
+seq._
+
+{89}  Good.
+
+{97}  'Dictionarium novum Latino-Armenium.'  Fo., Romae, 1714.
+
+{101}  Borrow quotes this sentence, with an added expletive, in his
+'Romano Lavo-Lil,' p. 110.
+
+{108}  Borrow places these words on the title-page of the present book.
+
+{109} A right-handed blow.  See 'Lavengro,' ii. 289.
+
+{116}  Rather late for an Easter vestry meeting!
+
+{119}  Properly _sar_ '_shan_, 'how art thou?'
+
+{120}  By God (Borrovian Romani).
+
+{138a}  Wordsworth's.
+
+{138b}  'The Excursion.'
+
+{141}  The Swan Hotel at Stafford.  In 'Lavengro,' ii. 386, the inn is
+described as upwards of thirty miles distant from the dingle, on the
+great North road.
+
+{146}  Louis Jeremiah Abershaw, hanged on Kennington Common, August 3,
+1795.  The Bald-faced Stag near Kingston was his headquarters.
+
+{147a}  See Introduction.
+
+{147b}  See Camden Pelham's 'Life and Adventures of Galloping Dick.'
+Philadelphia, 1863.
+
+{148}  See p. 27, note.
+
+{149}  Gaol (cant).
+
+{152}  _I.e._, highwayman.
+
+{161}  John Broughton, pugilist (1705-1789).
+
+{162a}  April 11, 1750.
+
+{162b}  At Broughton's funeral Johnson and Big Ben acted as his
+pall-bearers, with Humphries, Mendoza, Ward, and Ryan.
+
+{163a}  His real name was Francis Arden (Kn.).
+
+{163b}  Liverpool.
+
+{164}  Chester.
+
+{165}  See 'Lavengro,' i. 399; ii. 57.
+
+{166}  See Introduction.
+
+{168}  Sir James Brooke, Rajah of Sarawah, Borrow's old school-fellow at
+Norwich (1816-1818).
+
+{182a}  Probably meant for 'gypsydom,' but properly old cant for
+'London.'  Rome is here Shelta, or Gaelic back-slang for _mor_, 'great.'
+
+{182b}  'The girl she is black,
+She lies on her back.'
+
+which looks like a translation of some English ditty.
+
+{183}  Sham sailors (old cant).
+
+{189}  Fair, straightforward (dialect).
+
+{199}  See after, in the jockey's tale, p. 252.
+
+{224}  See Introduction.
+
+{226a}  Donkey-boy.
+
+{226b}  Transported.
+
+{231}  See Introduction.
+
+{245}  A witch hag.  See Ralston's 'Russian Folk tales,' pp. 137, 399.
+
+{250a}  In Hungarian gypsy, properly _gulo rai_, 'sweet sir.'
+
+{250b}  German cant.
+
+{252}  The English rogue described in 'The Life of Meriton Latroon,' a
+witty extravagant [by Richard Head], 4 vols.  London, 1665-80.
+
+{264}  Mistress (cant).
+
+{271}  _I.e._, mathematics.
+
+{279}  John Thurtell, Borrow's old Norwich crony, 1817-20, hanged at
+Hertford, January 9, 1824, for the murder of William Weare.
+
+{280}  Hertford.
+
+{281a}  July 17, 1820, at North Walsham, Norfolk.  See 'Lavengro.'
+
+{281b}  _Cf._ the lines from a song which Borrow may have heard in
+Ireland:
+
+    'And by this time to-morrow you'll see
+    Your Larry will be dead as mutton.
+      All for what?  'Caze his courage was good!'
+
+{288a}  Thimble-rigger.
+
+{288b}  Greenwich fair.  See Introduction and 'Lavengro,' vol. ii., p.
+22.
+
+{291}  Borrow really heard this tale in Cornwall, from the guide Cronan,
+in January, 1854.
+
+{296}  Tipperary.
+
+{303a}  Civita Vecchia.
+
+{303b}  The Duke d'Angouleme.
+
+{311a}  South.
+
+{311b}  Boston.
+
+{311c}  Spalding.
+
+{313}  We first hear of this Appendix in a letter to Murray, dated Nov.
+11, 1852, in which Borrow expresses his intention of 'adding some notes'
+to the present work.  The result is this extraordinary 'Malebolgia,' as
+Professor Knapp terms it, into which Borrow has thrust all those who had
+incurred his ill-will, even for the most trivial of reasons.  His enmity
+with Rome dates from his Spanish experiences as colporteur of the Bible
+Society in 1838 and 1839.  'Mr. Flamson' is placed in the pillory,
+because he had offended Borrow by carrying a railway line through his
+Oulton grounds; and Scott, apparently for no better reason than his
+neglect to acknowledge a presentation copy of the 'Romantic Ballads.'
+The 'Lord-Lieutenant' experiences Borrow's resentment because he did not
+see his way to making 'Lavengro' a magistrate; and the 'Old Radical' is
+gibbeted because he obtained an official position which Borrow desired
+for himself.
+
+{314a}  Twenty.  George Borrow was born July, 1803, and his father died
+February, 1824.
+
+{314b}  Borrovian for 'gypsydom.'
+
+{321a}  'Canning (1827),' (Kn.).
+
+{321b}  _Ibid._
+
+{321c}  'Viscount Goderich' (Kn.).
+
+{322}  Little Father (Russian).
+
+{323}  The full text and translation of this pointless little song are
+given in the 'Romano Lavo-lil,' pp. 200, 201.
+
+{326}  This was written in 1854.  (G.B.)
+
+{327}  An obscene oath.  (G.B.)
+
+{328}  See 'Muses' Library,' pp. 86, 87.  London, 1738 (G. B.).
+Reprinted from the original edition in the Early English Text Society
+(1870).
+
+{329}  Genteel with them seems to be synonymous with Gentile and Gentoo;
+if so, the manner in which it has been applied for ages ceases to
+surprise, for genteel is heathenish.  Ideas of barbaric pearl and gold,
+glittering armour, plumes, tortures, blood-shedding, and lust, should
+always be connected with it.  Wace, in his grand Norman poem, calls the
+Baron genteel:
+
+    'La furent li gentil Baron,' etc.
+
+And he certainly could not have applied the word better than to the
+strong Norman thief, aimed cap-a-pie, without one particle of ruth or
+generosity; for a person to be a pink of gentility, that is heathenism,
+should have no such feelings; and, indeed, the admirers of gentility
+seldom or never associate any such feelings with it.  It was from the
+Norman, the worst of all robbers and miscreants, who built strong
+castles, garrisoned them with devils, and tore out poor wretches' eyes,
+as the Saxon Chronicle says, that the English got their detestable word
+genteel.  What could ever have made the English such admirers of
+gentility, it would be difficult to say; for, during three hundred years,
+they suffered enough by it.  Their genteel Norman landlords were their
+scourgers, their torturers, the plunderers of their homes, the
+dishonourers of their wives, and the deflowerers of their daughters.
+Perhaps, after all, fear is at the root of the English veneration for
+gentility. (G.B.)
+
+{330}  Sir Samuel Morton Peto (1809-89), M.P. for Norwich, 1847-54.
+
+{331}  Gentle and gentlemanly may be derived from the same root as
+genteel; but nothing can be more distinct from the mere genteel, than the
+ideas which enlightened minds associate with these words.  Gentle and
+gentlemanly mean something kind and genial; genteel, that which is
+glittering or gaudy.  A person can be a gentleman in rags, but nobody can
+be genteel. (G.B.)
+
+{332}  A favourite figure of Carlyle's, but both he and Borrow took the
+_mot_ from a report of Thurtell's trial: Q.  'What do you mean by
+respectable?'  A.  'He kept a gig.'
+
+{337}  Perry. (Kn.)
+
+{340}  _Gorgiko_, 'gentile,' used here as a nickname.
+
+{348}  The writer has been checked in print by the Scotch with being a
+Norfolk man.  Surely, surely, these latter times have not been exactly
+the ones in which it was expedient for Scotchmen to check the children of
+any county in England with the place of their birth, more especially
+those who have had the honour of being born in Norfolk--times in which
+British fleets, commanded by Scotchmen, have returned laden with anything
+but laurels from foreign shores.  It would have been well for Britain had
+she had the old Norfolk man to dispatch to the Baltic or the Black Sea,
+lately, instead of Scotch admirals. (G. B.)
+
+{355}  The 'whiffler' was the official sword-flourisher of the
+Corporation.
+
+{357a}  Tom Cribb (1781-1848), champion pugilist.
+
+{357b}  Thomas Winter (1795-1851), pugilist.
+
+{360}  See Introduction.
+
+{365}  _Harman-beck_, 'constable' (old cant); modern slang, _beak_.
+
+{368}  As the present work will come out in the midst of a vehement
+political contest, people may be led to suppose that the above was
+written expressly for the time.  The writer, therefore, begs to state
+that it was written in the year 1854.  He cannot help adding that he is
+neither Whig, Tory, nor Radical, and cares not a straw what party governs
+England, provided it is governed well.  But he has no hopes of good
+government from the Whigs.  It is true that amongst them there is one
+very great man, Lord Palmerston, who is indeed the sword and buckler, the
+chariots and the horses of the party; but it is impossible for his
+lordship to govern well with such colleagues as he has--colleagues which
+have been forced upon him by family influence, and who are continually
+pestering him into measures anything but conducive to the country's
+honour and interest.  If Palmerston would govern well, he must get rid of
+them; but from that step, with all his courage and all his greatness, he
+will shrink.  Yet how proper and easy a step it would be!  He could
+easily get better, but scarcely worse, associates.  They appear to have
+one object in view, and only one--jobbery.  It was chiefly owing to a
+most flagitious piece of jobbery, which one of his lordship's principal
+colleagues sanctioned and promoted, that his lordship experienced his
+late parliamentary disasters (G. B.).
+
+{369}  The Cato Street conspirators, a reminiscence of Borrow's
+'Celebrated Trials.'
+
+{371}  Sir John Bowring.
+
+{372a}  William Taylor of Norwich.
+
+{372b}  'Specimens of the Russian Poets,' translated by John Bowring.
+12mo., London, 1821.
+
+{373}  A fact (G. B.).
+
+{374}  Southey.
+
+{376a}  Aberdeen.
+
+{376b}  China.
+
+{376c}  Manchu New Testament.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ROMANY RYE***
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