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diff --git a/25041.txt b/25041.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d527f0a --- /dev/null +++ b/25041.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2228 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humour of the North, by Lawrence J. Burpee + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Humour of the North + +Author: Lawrence J. Burpee + +Release Date: April 11, 2008 [EBook #25041] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOUR OF THE NORTH *** + + + + +Produced by K Nordquist, Beth Trapaga & the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + +HUMOUR OF THE NORTH + + + +SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY + +LAWRENCE J. BURPEE + + + +TORONTO +THE MUSSON BOOK COMPANY +LIMITED + + +_Entered at +Stationers' Hall_ +1912 + + + + +INTRODUCTORY NOTE + + +Some day an enterprising editor may find time to glean from the whole +field of Canadian literature a representative collection of wit and +humour. It would include the productions of such acknowledged humorists +as Thomas Chandler Haliburton and George Thomas Lanigan, as well as +specimens of characteristic humour from writers who are better +remembered by their more serious work. It would also include a great +deal of genuine wit and humour, largely anonymous, in such Canadian +periodicals as _Grip_, _Punch in Canada_, the _Grumbler_, the _Free +Lance_, and _Diogenes_; and characteristic passages from the speeches +of such brilliant and witty debaters as Thomas D'Arcy McGee, Joseph +Howe, and Nicholas Flood Davin. The present little collection obviously +makes no such ambitious claim. It embraces, however, what are believed +to be representative examples of the work of some of our better-known +writers, many of which will no doubt be quite familiar to Canadian +readers, but perhaps none the less welcome on that account. + +For permission to reproduce these selections the Editor is indebted to +the authors or their representatives, and in the case of the late Dr. +Drummond he is also indebted to the publishers, G. P. Putnam's Sons, +New York. The selection from Joseph Howe's work is taken from his +_Poems and Essays_; Haliburton's sketches are taken from _The Old +Judge_; those of Dr. Drummond from _The Habitant_, _Johnnie Courteau_, +and _The Voyageur_; that of Mrs. Cotes from her _Social Departure_; +McCarroll's poem from _Madeleine_; Lanigan's Fables from the little +volume published under that title; and DeMille's selection from _The +Dodge Club_. Lanigan's humorous verse was never brought together in +book form. + +Ottawa, +_August, 1910_. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + +JOSEPH HOWE (1804-1873): + The Blue Nose 1 + To Mary 3 + A Toast (To Haliburton) 5 + +THOMAS CHANDLER HALIBURTON (1796-1865): + Sheepskins and Politics 8 + The Doctor 11 + Mother Hunt's Chickens 15 + The Deacon's Bargain 19 + +WILLIAM HENRY DRUMMOND (1854-1907): + The Corduroy Road 22 + Dominique 30 + How Bateese came Home 34 + +MRS. EVERARD COTES (1862-): + The Japanese Reporter 46 + +JAMES McCARROLL (1814-1890): + The Gray Linnet 59 + +GEORGE THOMAS LANIGAN (1845-1886): + The Ahkoond of Swat 61 + The Amateur Orlando 64 + The Plumber's Revenge 71 + The Merchant of Venice 77 + The Unfortunate Elephant 78 + The Coroner and the Banana Peel 79 + The Rhinoceros and the Dromedary 80 + The Hen and the Tailor 82 + The Glow-worm and the Famished Nightingale 83 + The Centipede and the Barbaric Yak 85 + The Honest Newsboy 87 + The Villager and the Snake 88 + The Ostrich and the Hen 90 + +JAMES DEMILLE (1836-1880): + The Senator's Laundry 91 + + + + +HUMOUR OF THE NORTH + + + + +THE BLUE NOSE + + + Let the Student of Nature in rapture descant, + On the Heaven's cerulean hue; + Let the Lover indulge in poetical rant, + When the eyes of his Mistress are blue. + + But fill high your glasses--fill, fill to the brim, + I've a different toast to propose: + While such eyes, and such skies, still are beaming for him, + Here's a health to the jolly Blue Nose. + + Let the Frenchman delight in his vine-covered vales, + Let the Greek toast his old classic ground; + Here's the land where the bracing Northwester prevails, + And where jolly Blue Noses abound. + + Long--long may it flourish, to all of us dear, + Loved and honoured by hearts that are true; + But, should ever a foe chance his nose to show here + He shall find all our Noses true Blue. + + + + +TO MARY + + + Oh! blame me not, Mary, for gazing at you, + Nor suppose that my thoughts from the Preacher were straying, + Tho' I stole a few glances--believe me 'tis true-- + They were sweet illustrations of what he was saying. + + For, when he observed that Perfection was not + To be found upon Earth--for a moment I bent + A look upon you--and could swear on the spot + That perfection in Beauty was not what he meant. + + And when, with emotion, the worthy Divine + On the doctrine of loving our neighbours insisted, + I felt, if their forms were as faultless as thine, + I could love every soul of them while I existed. + + And Mary, I'm sure 'twas the fault of those eyes-- + 'Twas the lustre of them to the error gave birth-- + That, while he spoke of Angels that dwelt in the Skies, + I was gazing with rapture at one upon Earth. + + + + +A TOAST + + + Here's a health to thee, Tom: a bright bumper we drain + To the friends that our bosoms hold dear, + As the bottle goes round, and again and again + We whisper, "We wish _he_ were here." + + Here's a health to thee, Tom: may the mists of this earth + Never shadow the light of that soul + Which so often has lent the mild flashes of mirth + To illumine the depths of the Bowl. + + With a world full of beauty and fun for a theme, + And a glass of good wine to inspire, + E'en without thee we sometimes are bless'd with a gleam + That resembles thy spirit's own fire. + + Yet still, in our gayest and merriest mood, + Our pleasures are tasteless and dim, + For the thoughts of the past and of Tom that intrude + Make us feel we're but happy with him. + + Like the Triumph of old where the _absent one_ threw + A cloud o'er the glorious scene, + Are our feasts, my dear Tom, when we meet without you, + And think of the nights that have been. + + When thy genius, assuming all hues of delight + Fled away with the rapturous hours, + And when wisdom and wit, to enliven the night, + Scattered freely their fruits and their flowers. + + When thy eloquence played round each topic in turn, + Shedding lustre and life where it fell, + As the sunlight, in which the tall mountain tops burn, + Paints each bud in the lowliest dell. + + When that eye, before which the pale Senate once quailed + With humour and deviltry shone, + And the voice which the heart of the patriot hailed, + Had mirth in its every tone. + + Then a health to thee, Tom: ev'ry bumper we drain + But renders thy image more dear, + As the bottle goes round, and again and again, + We wish, from our hearts, you were here. + + + + +SHEEPSKINS AND POLITICS + + +You know Uncle Tim; he was small, very small--not in stature, for he +was a six-footer, but small in mind and small in heart; his soul was no +bigger than a flea's. "Zeb, my boy," says he to me one day, "always be +neuter in elections. You can't get nothing by them but ill-will. Dear, +dear! I wish I had never voted. I never did but oncest, and, dear, +dear! I wish I had let that alone. There was an army doctor oncest, +Zeb, lived right opposite to me to Digby: dear, dear! he was a good +friend to me. He was very fond of wether mutton; and, when he killed a +sheep, he used to say to me, 'Friend Tim, I will give you the skin if +you will accept it.' Dear, dear! what a lot of them he gave me, first +and last! Well, oncest the doctor's son, Lawyer Williams, offered for +the town, and so did my brother-in-law, Phin Tucker; and, dear, dear! I +was in a proper fix. Well, the doctor axed me to vote for his son, and +I just up and told him I would, only my relation was candidating also; +but ginn him my hand and promise I would be neuter. Well, I told +brother-in-law the same, that I'd vote for him with pleasure, only my +old friend, the doctor's son, was offering too; and, therefore, gave +him my word also, I'd be neuter. And, oh, dear, dear! neuter I would +have remained too, if it hadn't a-been for them two electioneering +generals--devils, I might say--Lory Scott and Terry Todd. Dear, dear! +somehow or 'nother, they got hold of the story of the sheepskins, and +they gave me no peace day or night. 'What,' says they, 'are you going +to sell your country for a sheepskin?' The day of the election they +seized on me, one by one arm, and the other by the other, and lugged me +off to the poll, whether I would or no. + +"'Who do you vote for?' said the sheriff. + +"'Would you sell your country for a sheepskin?' shouted Terry, in one +ear. + +"'Would you sell your country for a sheepskin?' bellowed Lory, in the +other ear. + +"I was so frightened, I hardly knew what I did; but they tell me I +voted for brother Phin! Dear, dear! the doctor never gave me a +sheepskin while he lived after that. Dear, dear!--that was an ugly vote +for me!" + + + + +THE DOCTOR + + +Old Dr. Green (you knowed him, in course--everybody knowed him) lived +on Digby Neck. He was reckoned a skilful man, and was known to be a +regular rotated doctor; but he drank like a fish (and it's actilly +astonishing how many country doctors have taken to drink), and, of +course, he warn't always a very safe man in cases where a cool head and +a steady hand was needed (though folks did say he knowed a plaguey +sight more, even when he was drunk, than one-half of them do when they +are sober). Well, one day old Jim Reid, who was a pot-companion of his, +sent him a note to come into town immediately, without the loss of one +moment of time, and bring his amputating instruments with him, for +there was a most shocking accident had happened to his house. So in +come the doctor as hard as he could drive, looking as sorry, all the +time, as if he didn't live by misfortunes and accidents, the old +hypocrite! + +"My dear friend," said he solemnly, to Reid, and a-taking of him by the +hand, and giving it a doleful shake--"My dear friend, what is the +matter?--who is hurt? And what the devil is to pay now? How thankful we +all ought to be that the accident hasn't occurred to one whom we all +respect so much as you!" + +And then he unpacked his instruments, off with his coat, and up with +his sleeves; and, with one hand, pulls a hair out of his head, and, +with the other, takes his knife and cuts it in two, to prove the edge +was all right. Then he began to whistle while he examined his saw, for +nothing puts these chaps in such good humour as cutting and slashing +away at legs and arms--operating, as they call it--and, when all was +ready, says he-- + +"Reid," says he, a-tapping him on the shoulder, "where is the patient?" + +Well, Reid opened the door of another room, and there was a black boy +a-holding of a duck on the table that had broke his leg! + +"There is a case for amputation, doctor!" said he; "but, first of all, +take a glass of brandy and water to steady your nerves. He knows you," +says he; "hear him how he calls out Quack, quack! after you, as if he +was afraid to let you perform on him." + +Well, the doctor entered into the joke as good-natured as possible, +laughed like anything, whipped down the grog, whipped off the leg, and +whipped up the knives and saws in no time. + +"You must stay to dine, doctor," said Reid (for the joke was only +intended to get him into town to drink along with him); and he stayed +to dine, and stayed to sup, and, being awful drunk, stayed to bed, too. + +Well, every time Reid saw him arter that in town, he asked him to come +in and see his patient, which meant to come in and drink; and so he did +as long as the cask of rael, particular Jamaikey lasted. + +Some time after that the old fellow sent in a bill for operating, +making a wooden leg, medical attendance, and advice, per order, for +twenty-five pounds; and, what's more, when Reid wouldn't pay it, the +doctor sued him for it to court, and gained his cause. Fact, I assure +you. + + + + +MOTHER HUNT'S CHICKENS + + +Five years ago, come next summer, the old lady made a trip to Halifax, +in one of our Digby coasters, to see sister Susannah, that is married +in that city to Ted Fowler, the upholsterer, and took a whole lot of +little notions with her to market to bear expenses; for she is a saving +kind of body, is mother, and likes to make two ends meet at the close +of the year. Among the rest, was the world and all of eggs, for she was +a grand hand in a poultry-yard. Some she stowed away in boxes, and some +in baskets, and some in tubs, so that no one accident could lose them +all for her. Well, under the berths in the cabin were large drawers for +bedding; and she rotated that out, and packed them full of eggs in +wool, as snug as you please, and off they started on their voyage. +Well, they had nothing but calms, and light airs, or head winds, and +were ever so long in getting to town; and, when they anchored, she got +her duds together, and began to collect her eggs all ready for landing. +The first drawer she opened, out hopped ever so many chickens on the +cabin floor, skipping and hopping about, a-chirping, "Chick, chick, +chick!" like anything! + +"Well, if that don't beat all!" said mother, and she looked the very +picture of doleful dumps. "I hope there is no more of them a-coming +into the world that way, without being sent for!" and she opened a +second, and out came a second flock, with a "Chick, chick, chick!" and +another, and another, till she pulled them all out. The cabin floor was +chockful of them; for the heat and confined bilge air had hatched all +the eggs that were in the close and hot drawers. + +Oh, the captain, and passengers, and sailors, they roared with +laughter! Mother was awful mad, for nothing makes one so angry as +accidents that set folks off a tee-hee-ing that way. If anybody had +been to blame but herself, wouldn't they have caught it, that's all? +for scolding is a great relief to a woman; but as there warn't, there +was nothing left but to cry: and scolding and crying are two +safety-valves that have saved many a heart from busting. + +Well, the loss was not great, though she liked to take care of her +coppers, too; it was the vexation that worried her. But the worst was +to come yet. When she returned home, the boys to Digby got hold of the +story; and, wherever she went, they called out after her "Chick, chick, +chick!" I skinned about half-a-dozen of the little imps of mischief for +it, but it only made them worse; for they hid in porches, and behind +doors, and gates, and fences, as seen her a-coming, and roared out, +"Chick, chick, chick!" and nearly bothered her to death. So she give up +going out any more, and never leaves home now. It's my opinion, her +rheumatism is nothing but the effect of want of exercise, and all comes +from that cursed "Chick, chick, chick!" + + + + +THE DEACON'S BARGAIN + + +Old Deacon Bruce of Aylesford, last Monday week, bought a sleigh of his +fellow-deacon, Squire Burns, for five pounds. On his way home with it, +who should he meet but Zeek Morse, a-trudging along through the snow +a-foot. + +"Friend Zeek," says the old Christian, "won't you get in and ride? +Here's room for you and welcome." + +"Don't care if I do," said Zeek, "seeing that sitting is as cheap as +walking, if you don't pay for it." So he hops in, and away they go. + +Well, Zeek was mightily taken with the sleigh. + +"Deacon," says he, "how shall you and me trade for it? It's just the +article I want, for I am a-going down to Bridgetown next week to be +married; and it will suit me to a notch to fetch Mrs. Morse, my wife, +home in. What will you take for it?" + +"Nine pounds," said old Conscience. "It cost me seven pounds ten +shillings, to Deacon Burns, who built it; and as it's the right season +for using it, and I can't get another made till next winter, I must +have nine pounds for it, and it ain't dear at that price neither." + +"Done!" says Zeek--for he is an offhand kind of chap, and never stands +bantering and chaffering a long time, but says at once what he means, +as I do. "Done!" says he--"'tis mine!" and the deacon drives up to his +house, gets his pay, and leaves the sleigh there. + +Next morning, when Zeek went to examine his purchase, he found there +was a bolt left out by mistake, so off he goes to the maker, Deacon +Burns, to get it put in, when he ups and tells him all about the +bargain. + +"Did the old gentleman tell you my price was seven pounds ten?" said +he. + +"Oh yes," said Zeek, "in course he did--there is no mistake about it. +I'll take my oath to it." + +"Well, so it was," said Burns. "He told you true. He was to give me +seven pounds ten; but as there was nobody by but him and me when we +traded, and as it ain't paid for yet, he might perhaps forget it, for +he is getting to be an old man now. Will you try to recollect it?" + +"Sartainly," said Zeek. "I'll swear to it any day you please, in any +court in the world, for them was his very words to me." + +What does Deacon Burns do but go right off and sue Deacon Bruce for +seven pounds ten, instead of five pounds, the real price; called Zeek +as a witness to his admission, and gained his case! Fact, upon my soul! + + + + +THE CORDUROY ROAD + + + De corduroy road go bompety bomp, + De corduroy road go jompety jomp, + An' he's takin' beeg chances upset hees load + De horse dat'll trot on de corduroy road. + + Of course it's purty rough, but it's handy t'ing enough, + An' dey mak' it wit' de log all jine togeder + W'en dey strek de swampy groun' w'ere de water hang aroun' + Or passin' by some tough ole beaver medder. + + But it's not macadamise, so if you're only wise + You will tak' your tam an' never min' de worry, + For de corduroy is bad, an' will mak' you plaintee mad + By de way de buggy jomp, in case you hurry. + + An' I'm sure you don't expec' leetle Victorine Leveque + She was knowin' moche at all about dem places, + 'Cos she's never dere before, till young Zepherin Madore + He was takin' her away for see de races. + + Oh, I wish you see her den! dat's before she marry, w'en + She's de fines' on de lan'; but no use talkin'. + I can bet you w'at you lak, if you meet her you look back + Jus' to watch de fancy way dat girl is walkin'. + + Yass, de leetle Victorine was de nices' girl between + De town of Yamachiche an' Maskinonge, + But she's stuck up an' she's proud, an' you'll never count de crowd + Of de boy she geev it w'at dey call de conge. + + Ah! de moder spoil her, sure, for even to Joe D'Amour, + W'en he's ready nearly ev'ry t'ing to geev her + If she mak' de mariee, only say, "Please go away," + An' he's riches' habitant along de reever. + + Zepherin he try it too, an' he's workin' somet'ing new, + For he's makin' de old woman many presen'-- + Prize package on de train, umbrella for de rain-- + But she's grompy all de tam, an' never pleasan'. + + Wall, w'en he ax Ma-dame tak' de girl away dat tam + See dem races on Sorel wit' all de trotter + De moder say, "All right, if you bring her home to-night, + Before de cow's milk, I let her go, ma daughter." + + So Victorine she go wit' Zepherin her beau + On de yankee buggy mak' it on St. Bruno, + An' w'en dey pass hotel on de middle of Sorel + Dey're puttin' on de beeges' style dat you know. + + Wall! dey got some good horse dere, but Zepherin don't care. + He's back it up, hees own paroisse, ba golly, + An' he mak' it t'ree doll-arre w'en Maskinonge Star + On de two mile heat was beating Sorel Molly. + + Victorine don't min' at all, till de "free for all" dey call-- + Dat's de las' race dey was run before de snow fly-- + Den she say, "I t'ink de cow mus' be gettin home soon now + An' you know it's only clock ole woman go by. + + "An' if we're comin' late w'en de cow pass on de gate + You'll be sorry if you hear de way she talk dere, + So w'en I see de race on Sorel or any place + Affer dis, you may be sure I got to walk dere." + + Den he laugh, dat Zepherin, an' he say, "Your poor mama, + I know de pile she t'ink about her daughter + So we'll tak' de short road back on de corduroy race track; + Don't matter if we got to sweem de water." + + No wonder he is smile till you hear heem half a mile, + For dat morning he was tole hees leetle broder + Let de cattle out de gate, so he know it's purty late + By de tam dem cow was findin' out each oder. + + So along de corduroy de young girl an' de boy + Dey was kipin' up a joggin' nice an' steady. + It isn't heavy load, an' Guillaume he know de road + For many tam he's been dat way already. + + But de girl she fin' it slow, so she ax de boy to go + Somet'ing better dan a mile on fifteen minute, + An' he's touch heem up, Guillaume; so dat horse he lay for home, + An' de nex' t'ing Victorine she know she's in it. + + "Oh, pull him in," she yell, "for even on Sorel + I am sure I never see de quicker racer," + But it's leetle bit too late, for de horse is get hees gait + An' de worse of all, ba gosh! Guillaume's a pacer. + + See hees tail upon de air, no wonder she was scare! + But she hang on lak de winter on T'ree Reever. + Cryin' out, "Please hol' me tight, or I'm comin' dead to-night, + An' ma poor old moder dear, I got to leave her." + + Wit' her arm aroun' hees wais'--she was doin' it in case + She bus' her head, or keel herse'f, it's not so easy sayin'-- + Dey was comin' on de jomp t'roo dat dam old beaver swamp + An' meet de crowd is lookin' for dem cow was go a-strayin'. + + Den she' cryin', Victorine, for she's knowin' w'at it mean-- + De parish dey was talkin' firse chances dey be gettin'. + But no sooner dat young man stop de horse, he tak' her han' + An' w'isper, "Never min', ma chere, won't do no good a-frettin'." + + Non! she isn't cryin' long, for he tole her it was wrong. + She's sure he save her life too, or she was moche mistaken, + An' de ole Ma-dame Leveque also kiss heem on de neck + An' quickly after dat, Hooraw! de man an' wife dey're makin'. + + + + +DOMINIQUE + + + You dunno ma leetle boy Dominique? + Never see heem runnin' roun' about de place? + 'Cos I want to get advice how to kip heem lookin' nice, + So he won't be alway dirty on de face. + Now dat leetle boy of mine, Dominique, + If you wash heem an' you sen' heem off to school, + But instead of goin' dere, he was playin' fox an hare-- + Can you tell me how to stop de leetle fool? + + "I'd tak' dat leetle feller Dominique, + An' I'd put heem on de cellar ev'ry day, + An' for workin' out a cure bread an' water's very sure, + You can bet he mak' de promise not to play!" + + Dat's very well to say, but ma leetle Dominique + W'en de jacket we put on heem's only new, + An' he's goin' travel roun' on de medder up an' down, + Wit' de strawberry on hees pocket runnin' t'roo, + An' w'en he climb de fence, see de hole upon hees pant, + No wonder hees poor moder's feelin' mad! + So if you ketch heem den, w'at you want to do, ma frien'? + Tell me quickly an' before he get too bad. + + "I'd lick your leetle boy Dominique, + I'd lick heem till he's crying purty hard, + An' for fear he's gettin' spile, I'd geev' heem castor ile, + An' I wouldn't let heem play outside de yard." + + If you see ma leetle boy Dominique + Hangin' on to poor ole "Billy" by de tail, + W'en dat horse is feelin' gay, lak I see heem yesterday, + I suppose you t'ink he's safer on de jail? + W'en I'm lightin' up de pipe on de evenin' affer work, + An' de powder dat young rascal's puttin' in, + It was makin' such a pouf, nearly blow me t'roo de roof-- + W'at's de way you got of showin' 'twas a sin? + + "Wall! I put heem on de jail right away, + You may bet de wan is got de beeges' wall! + A honder foot or so, w'ere dey never let heem go, + Non! I wouldn't kip a boy lak dat at all." + + Dat's good advice for sure, very good, + On de cellar, bread an' water--it'll do, + De nice sweet castor ile geev heem ev'ry leetle w'ile, + An' de jail to finish up wit' w'en he's t'roo! + Ah! ma frien', you never see Dominique + W'en he's lyin' dere asleep upon de bed; + If you do, you say to me, "W'at an angel he mus' be, + An' dere can't be not'ing bad upon hees head." + + Many t'ank for your advice, an' it may be good for some, + But de reason you was geev it isn't very hard to seek-- + Yass! it's easy seein' now, w'en de talk is over, how + You dunno ma leetle boy Dominique. + + + + +HOW BATEESE CAME HOME + + + W'en I was young boy on de farm--dat's twenty year ago-- + I have wan frien', he's leev near me, call Jean Bateese Trudeau, + An offen, w'en we are alone, we lak for spik about + De tam w'en we was come beeg man, wit' moustache on our mout'. + + Bateese is get it on hees head he's too moche educate + For mak' de habitant farmerre--he better go on State-- + An' so wan summer evening we're driving home de cow + He's tole me all de whole beez-nesse--jus' lak you hear me now. + + "Wat's use mak foolish on de farm? dere's no good chances lef', + An' all de tam you be poor man--you know dat's true you'se'f; + We never get no fun at all--don't never go on spree + Onless we pass on 'noder place, an' mak it some monee. + + "I go on Les Etats-Unis, I go dere right away, + An' den, mebbe, on ten-twelve year, I be rich man some day, + An' w'en I mak' de large fortune I come back, I s'pose, + Wit' Yankee famme from off de State, an' monee on my clothes. + + "I tole you somet'ing else also--mon cher Napoleon-- + I get de grande majorite, for go on parliament, + Den buil' fine house on borde l'eau--near w'ere de church is stand-- + More finer dan de Presbytere, w'en I am come riche man!" + + I say, "For w'at you spik lak dat? you must be gone crazee. + Dere's plaintee feller on de State, more smarter dan you be; + Besides, she's not so healtee place, an' if you mak l'argent, + You spen' it jus' lak Yankee man, an' not lak habitant. + + "For me, Bateese, I tole you dis: I'm very satisfy-- + De bes' man don't leev too long tam; some day, ba gosh! he die-- + An' s'pose you got good trotter horse, an' nice famme Canadienne + Wit' plaintee on de house for eat--W'at more you want, ma frien'?" + + But Bateese have it all mak' up, I can't stop him at all. + He's buy, etc., seconde classe tiquette, for go on Central Fall, + An' wit' two-t'ree some more de boy--w'at t'ink de sam' he do-- + Pass on de train de very nex' wick, was lef' Riviere du Loup. + + Wall! mebbe fifteen year or more since Bateese go away + I fin' meself Riviere du Loup, wan cole, cole winter day. + De quick express she come, horraw! but stop de soon she can, + An' beeg swell feller jomp off car, dat's boss by nigger man. + + He's dressim on de premiere classe, an' got new suit of clothes + Wit' long moustache dat's stickin' out, de 'noder side hees nose, + Fine gol' watch chain--nice portmanteau--an' long, long overcoat + Wit beaver hat--dat's Yankee style--an' red tie on hees t'roat-- + + I say, "Hello, Bateese! Hello! Comment ca va, mon vieux?" + He say, "Excuse to me, ma frien', I t'ink I don't know you." + I say, "She's very curis t'ing, you are Bateese Trudeau, + Was raise on just sam' place wit' me, dat's fifteen year ago?" + + He say, "Oh yass, dat's sure enough--I know you now firs'-rate; + But I forget mos' all ma French since I go on de State. + Dere's 'noder t'ing kip on your head, ma frien', dey mus' be tole + Ma name's Bateese Trudeau no more, but John B. Waterhole!" + + "Hole on de water's" fonny name for man wat's call Trudeau; + Ma frien's dey all was spik lak dat, an' I am tole heem so. + He say, "Trudeau an' Waterhole, she's jus' about de sam, + An' if you for leev on State, you must have Yankee nam'." + + Den we invite heem come wit' us, "Hotel du Canadaw," + W'ere he was treat mos' ev'ry tam, but can't tak' w'iskey blanc. + He say sat's leetle strong for man jus' come off Central Fall, + An "tabac Canayen" bedamme! he won't smoke dat at all! + + But fancy drink lak "Collings John" de way he put it down! + Was long tam since I don't see dat--I t'ink he's goin' drown!-- + An' fine cigar cos' five cent each, an' mak' on Trois-Rivieres! + L'enfant! he smoke beeg pile of dem--for monee he don't care! + + I s'pose, meseff, it's t'ree o'clock w'en we are t'roo dat night. + Bateese, hees fader come for heem, an' tak' heem home all right; + De ole man say Bateese spik French, w'en he is place on bed-- + An' say bad word--but w'en he wake--forget it on hees head. + + Wall! all de winter, w'en we have soiree dat's grande affaire + Bateese Trudeau, dit Waterhole, de be de boss man dere-- + You bet he have beeg tam!--but w'en de spring is come encore + He's buy premiere classe tiquette for go on State some more. + + You 'member w'en de hard tam come on Les Etats-Unis, + An' plaintee Canayens go back for stay deir own contree? + Wall! jus' about dat' tam again I go Riviere du Loup + For sole me two-t'ree load of hay--mak' leetle visit too. + + De freight train she is jus' arrive--only ten hour delay; + She's never carry passengaire--dat's w'at dey always say. + I see poor man on char caboose--he's got heem small valise. + Begosh! I nearly tak' de fit.--It is--it is Bateese! + + He know me very well dis tam, an' say, "Bon jour, mon vieux. + I hope you know Bateese Trudeau was educate wit' you. + I'm jus' come off de State to see ma familee encore; + I bus' mesef on Central Fall--I don't go dere no more. + + "I got no monee--not at all! I'm broke it up for sure. + Dat's locky t'ing, Napoleon, de brakeman, Joe Latour, + He's cousin of wan frien' of me call Camille Valiquette, + Conductor too's good Canayen--don't ax me no tiquette." + + I tak' Bateese wit' me once more "Hotel du Canadaw." + An' he was glad for get de chance drink some good w'iskey blanc! + Dat's warm heem up, and den he eat mos' ev'ryt'ing he see; + I watch de w'ole beez-nesse mese'f--Monjee! he was hongree! + + Madame Charette, w'at's kip de place, get very much excite + For see de many pork an' bean Bateese put out of sight-- + Du pain dore--potato pie--an' 'noder t'ing be dere, + But w'en Bateese is get heem t'roo--dey go I don't know w'ere. + + It don't tak' long for tole de news "Bateese come off de State." + An' purty soon we have beeg crowd, lak village she's en fete. + Bonhomme Maxime Trudeau hese'f he's comin' wit' de pries' + An' pass heem on de "Room for eat" w'ere he is see Bateese. + + Den ev'rybody feel it glad, for watch de embrasser, + An' bimeby de old man spik. "Bateese, you here for stay?" + Bateese, he's cry lak beeg bebe, "Ba, j'eux rester ici. + An' if I never see de State, I'm sure I don't care--me." + + "Correc'," Maxime is say right off. "I place you on de farm + For help your poor ole fader; won't do you too moche harm. + Please come wit' me on Magasin, I feex you up--ba oui, + An' den you're ready for go home an' see de familee." + + Wall! w'en de old man an' Bateese come off de Magasin + Bateese is los' hees Yankee clothes--he's dress lak Canayen + Wit' bottes sauvages--ceinture flechee--an' coat wit' capuchon + An' spik Francais au naturel, de sam' as habitant. + + I see Bateese de oder day, he's work hees fader's place. + I t'ink mese'f he's satisfy--I see dat on hees face. + He say, "I got no use for State, mon cher Napoleon. + Kebeck, she's good enough for me--Hooraw! pour Canadaw." + + + + +THE JAPANESE REPORTER + + +We do not know to this day to what circumstance we owed the honour of +appearing in print in Japan--whether we were mistaken for individuals +of distinction, or whether we were considered remarkable on our own +merits on account of being by ourselves; but we went downstairs fully +believing it to be a custom of the country, a rather flattering custom, +to which we were much pleased to conform; and this is a true chronicle +of what happened. + +It was a slender, round-faced youth who made his deprecating bow to us +in the drawing-room. His shoulders sloped, his gray-blue kimono lay in +narrow folds across his chest like what the old-fashioned people at +home used to call a sontag. American boots were visible under the skirt +of the garment, and an American stiff felt hat reposed on the sofa +beside him. His thick, short black hair stood crisply on end, and out +of his dark eyes slanted a look of modest inquiry. He was the most +unaggressive reporter I have ever seen. His boots and his hat were the +only things about him that I could connect with journalism, as I had +previously been acquainted with it. + +"How do you do?" I said, seeing that the silence must be broken and the +preliminaries gone through with by somebody. + +"Yes!" he responded, with an amiability that induced Orthodocia to get +up hurriedly and look out of the window. "Did the radies arrive to the +_Duke of Westminster_?" looking from one to the other of us. + +"We believe they did!" gasped Orthodocia, and immediately looked out of +the window again. I edged my chair toward the other window. Then the +cloven foot appeared in the shape of a note-book. He produced it with +gentle ostentation, as one would a trump card. The simile is complete +when I add that he took it from his sleeve. + +"How old is rady?" calmly, deliberately. + +"I--I forget," falsified this historian; "forty-five, I believe." + +The reporter put it down. + +"Other rady, your friend,--not so old? Older? More old?" + +"I am twenty-two years of age," said Orthodocia gravely, with a +reproachful glance at me, "and I weigh ten stone. Height, five feet +eight inches. In shoes, I am in the habit of wearing fives; in gloves, +six and a half." + +The reporter scribbled convulsively. + +"Radies will study Japanese porryticks--please say." + +"I beg pardon?" + +"Yes." Fills another page. + +Orthodocia, suavely, "Are they produced here to any extent?" + +"We have here many porryticks--ribarer, conservative, monarchist." + +"Oh!" more recourse to the window. + +"Orthodocia," I said severely, "you may not be aware of it, but your +conduct is throwing discredit upon a person hitherto fairly entitled to +the world's good opinion--which is me. Continue to be absorbingly +interested in that brick wall, and allow me to talk to the gentleman." + +"We have come," I said distinctly--Orthodocia bears testimony to the +fact that I said it distinctly--"to see Japan as far as Japan will +permit. Her politics, system of education, customs, and arts will be +of--ahem!--interest to us. We cannot truthfully say that we expect to +penetrate more deeply into the national life than other travellers have +done. In repressing this expectation we claim to be original. We +confess that our impressions will naturally be superficial, but we hope +to represent the crust so charmingly that nobody will ask for any of +the--interior--of the--well, of the pie." + +"That's equivocal," said Orthodocia, "and ridiculous." + +"Notwithstanding the well-known reticence of the Japanese," I +continued, "we hope to meet some of them who will show us something +more of their domesticity than we can see through the windows." + +"You will acquire ranguage of Japan?" + +"Not all of it, I think. It seems a little difficult, but musical--much +more musical than our ugly English," interposed Orthodocia. + +"Yes. Will you the story of your journey please say?" + +"Certainly. We came from Montreal to Vancouver by the C.P.R.--that is +the best Western railroad on the continent, because it is built with +English capital," bombastically. "Some people say that you never would +have heard of Canada in Japan but for the C.P.R., but I am told that +they are mostly jealous Republican Americans." + +The reporter bowed. + +"We travelled three thousand nine hundred miles by this route across +the North-West and through the Rocky Mountains." Here Orthodocia dwelt +upon the remarkable snow-sheds for protection against avalanches. She +went on with vague confidence to speak of the opening up of trade +between Canada and Japan by the new railway and steamship line, and I +added a few remarks about the interest in Japanese art that existed in +Montreal, and the advisability of the Japanese establishing firms of +their own there; while the reporter flattered our eloquence by taking +down notes enough to fill a quarto volume. We had never been +interviewed before--we might never be again--and we were determined to +make the occasion an illustrious one. We were quite pleased with +ourselves as the nice little creature bowed himself out, promising to +send us the fortunate _shimbun_ which would publish the interview, with +a translation of the same, a day or two later. + +I suppose it was Orthodocia's effect upon him--the effect I had begun +to find usual--but he didn't send the _shimbun_; he brought it next +morning with much apology and many bows. I have before me a pencilled +document in the handwriting of three persons. The document contains the +interview as it was set down in the language of the translator, who sat +with an expression of unruffled repose, and spake aloud from the +_shimbun_ which he held in his hand. Sometimes Orthodocia took it down, +sometimes he took it down himself, sometimes I took it down while +Orthodocia left the room. The reason for this will perhaps be +self-evident. Orthodocia and I possess the document in turns, to ward +off low spirits. We have only to look at it to bring on an attack of +the wildest hilarity. + +The reporter came entirely in Japanese costume the second time, and +left his wooden sandals outside on the stairs. He left most of his +English there, too, apparently, but he bowed all the way from the door +to the middle of the apartment in a manner that stood for a great deal +of polite conversation. Then he sat down and we sat down, and +Orthodocia prepared to transcribe the interview which had introduced us +to the Japanese nation from his lips. It was a proud, happy moment. + +The reporter took the journal with which he was connected out of one of +the long, graceful, flowing sleeves which make life worth living for +masculine Japan. He told us that it was the _Hochi-Hochi-Shimbun_, and +he carefully pointed out the title, date beginning and end of the +article, which we marked, intending to buy several copies of the paper +and send them home. We were anxious that the people there should be +kept fully enlightened as to our movements, and there seemed to be a +great deal of detail in the article. Its appearance was a little +sensational, Orthodocia thought, but she silently concluded, with her +usual charity, not to blame the reporter for that, since he couldn't +possibly be considered responsible for the exaggerations of the Chinese +alphabet. + +"Yesterday," translated the reporter solemnly--I must copy the +document, which does not give his indescribable pronunciation--"by +Canada steamer radies arrived. The correspondent, who is me, went to +Grand Hotel, which the radies is. Radies is of Canada, and +in-the-time-before of Engrand. They have a beautiful countenance." + +Here the reporter bowed, and Orthodocia left the room for the first +time. I think she said she must go and get her pencil sharpened. She +left it with me, however, and I took up the thread of the interview. + +"Object of radies' rocomotion, to make beautiful their minds. Miss +Elder-Rady answered, 'Our object is to observe habits, makings, and +beings of the Japanese nation, and to examine how civirisation of +Engrand and America prevails among the nation. And other objects is to +examine the art and drawing and education from the exterior of the +confectionery. In order to observe customs of Japan we intend to rearn +a private house.'" + +We were getting on swimmingly when Orthodocia reappeared, having +recovered in the interval, and told the reporter that he must think +foreigners very abrupt and rude, and that he really spoke English +extremely well. To both of which remarks he responded, with a polite +suavity that induced me to turn my back upon her in an agony of +suppressed feeling, "Yes." + +"Miss +Younger-Rady-measuring-ten-stone-and-wearing-six-shoes-and-a-half, +continue, 'The rai-road between the Montreal and Canada is +passing----'" + +"I beg pardon," said the unhappy Orthodocia, with an awful galvanism +about the corners of her mouth, "I didn't quite catch what you said--I +mean what I said." + +The reporter translated it over again. + +"Perhaps," said I nervously, "it's a misprint." + +"No," the reporter replied gravely, "Miss Younger-Rady." + +"Gracious!" said Orthodocia. + +"And if by the rai-road we emproy the steamer, the commerce of Montreal +and Japan will prevail. Correspondent asked to Miss Younger-Rady may I +heard the story of your caravansery?" + +Orthodocia again retired. It was a little trying for me, but when he +continued, "She answered, 'From Montreal to Canada the distance is +three thousand mires,'" I was glad she had gone. I am afraid I choked a +little at this point, for just here he decided to wrestle with the +pencil himself. When he handed the paper back again I read: "While we +are passing the distance between Mount Rocky I had a great danger, for +the snow over the mountain is falling down, and the railroad shall be +cut off. Therefore, by the snowshade, which is made by the tree, its +falling was defend. Speaking finish. The ladies is to took their +caravansery attending among a few days. Ladies has the liability of +many news." + +"That last item," said Orthodocia, who had come in with the excuse of +some tea, "is frightfully correct." + +Having despatched the business of the hour and a half, the reporter +began to enjoy himself, while Orthodocia and I tried to seat ourselves +where we couldn't see each other's faces in the mirror over the +mantelpiece. He drank his tea with his head on a level with the table, +and if suction can express approval it was expressed. He said that +there were fourteen editorial writers on his _shimbun_, and that its +circulation was one million. Which shows that for the soul of a +newspaper man Shintoism has no obvious advantages. He dwelt upon the +weather for quarters of an hour at a time. The Japanese are such a +leisurely people. He took more tea, by this time stone cold. He said he +would bring a Japanese "gentleman and rady" to see us, and in response +to our inquiry as to whether the lady was the wife or the sister of the +gentleman, he said, with gravity, "I do not know the rady's wife." He +asked us for our photographs, and when Orthodocia retired at this for +the fifth time he thought she had gone to get them, and stayed until I +was compelled to go and pray her to return. It was the ringing of the +two o'clock lunch bell that suggested to him that the day was waning, +and that perhaps he had better wane too. + + + + +THE GRAY LINNET + + +There's a little gray friar in yonder green bush, Clothed in +sackcloth--a little gray friar, Like the druid of old in his +temple--but hush! He's at vespers; you must not go nigher. + +Yet, the rogue! can those strains be addressed to the skies, And around +us so wantonly float, Till the glowing refrain like a shining thread +flies From the silvery reel of his throat? + +When he roams, though he stains not his path through the air With the +splendour of tropical wings, All the lustre denied to his russet plumes +there Flashes forth through his lay when he sings; + +For the little gray friar is so wondrous wise, Though in such a plain +garb he appears, That on finding he can't reach your soul through your +eyes, He steals in through the gates of your ears. + +But the cheat!--'tis not heaven he's warbling about-- Other passions, +less holy, betide-- For behold, there's a little gray nun peeping out +From a bunch of green leaves at his side. + + + + +THE AHKOOND OF SWAT + + + What, what, what, + What's the news from Swat? + Sad news, + Bad news, + Comes by the cable led + Through the Indian Ocean's bed, + Through the Persian Gulf, the Red + Sea and the Med- + Iterranean--he's dead; + The Ahkoond is dead! + + For the Akhoond I mourn, + Who wouldn't? + He strove to disregard the message stern, + But he Ahkoodn't. + + Dead, dead, dead; + Sorrow Swats! + Swats wha hae wi' Ahkoond bled, + Swats whom he had often led + Onward to a gory bed, + Or to victory, + As the case might be. + Sorrow Swats! + Tears shed, + Shed tears like water, + Your great Ahkoond is dead! + That Swats the matter! + + Mourn, city of Swat! + Your great Ahkoond is not, + But lain 'mid worms to rot: + His mortal part alone, his soul was caught + (Because he was a good Ahkoond) + Up to the bosom of Mahound. + Though earthly walls his frame surround + (For ever hallowed be the ground!) + And sceptics mock the lowly mound + And say, "He's now of no Ahkoond!" + (His soul is in the skies!) + The azure skies that bend above his loved + Metropolis of Swat + He sees with larger, other eyes, + Athwart all earthly mysteries-- + He knows what's Swat. + + Let Swat bury the great Ahkoond + With a noise of mourning and of lamentation! + Let Swat bury the great Ahkoond + With the noise of the mourning of the Swattish nation! + + Fallen is at length + Its tower of strength, + Its sun had dimmed ere it had nooned; + Dead lies the great Ahkoond, + The great Ahkoond of Swat + Is not. + + + + +THE AMATEUR ORLANDO + + + It was an Amateur Dram. Ass. + (Kind reader, although your + Knowledge of French is not first-class + Don't call that Amature.) + It was an Amateur Dram. Ass., + The which did warfare wage + On the dramatic works of this + And every other age. + + It had a walking gentleman, + A leading juvenile, + First lady in book-muslin dressed, + With a galvanic smile; + Thereto a singing chambermaid, + Benignant heavy pa, + And oh, heavier still was the heavy vill- + Ain, with his fierce "Ha! ha!" + + There wasn't an author from Shakespeare down-- + Or up--to Boucicault + These amateurs weren't competent + (S. Wegg) to collar and throw. + And when the winter time came round-- + "Season" 's a stagier phrase-- + The Am. Dram. Ass. assaulted one + Of the Bard of Avon's plays. + + 'Twas _As you Like It_ that they chose; + For the leading lady's heart + Was set on playing Rosalind, + Or some other page's part. + And the President of the Am. Dram. Ass., + A stalwart, dry-goods clerk, + Was cast for Orlando, in which role + He felt he'd make his mark. + + "I mind me," said the President + (All thoughtful was his face), + "When Orlando was taken by Thingummy + That Charles was played by Mace. + Charles hath not many lines to speak, + Nay, not a single length-- + Oh, if find we can a Mussulman + (That is, a man of strength), + And bring him on the stage as Charles-- + But, alas! it can't be did!" + "It can," replied the Treasurer; + "Let's get The Hunky Kid." + + This Hunky Kid of whom they spoke + Belonged to the P. R.; + He always had his hair cut short, + And always had catarrh. + His voice was gruff, his language rough, + His forehead villainous low, + And 'neath his broken nose a vast + Expanse of jaw did show. + He was forty-eight about the chest, + And his fore-arm at the mid + Did measure twenty-one and a half-- + Such was The Hunky Kid! + + The Am. Dram. Ass., they have engaged + This pet of the P. R.; + As Charles the Wrestler he's to be + A bright, particular star. + And when they put the programme out, + Announce him thus they did: + Orlando ... Mr. Romeo Jones; + Charles ... Mr. T. H. Kid. + + The night has come; the house is packed + From pit to gallery, + As those who through the curtain peep + Quake inwardly to see. + A squeak's heard in the orchestra, + As the leader draws across + Th' intestines of the agile cat + The tail of the noble hoss. + + All is at sea behind the scenes. + Why do they fear and funk? + Alas, alas, The Hunky Kid + Is lamentably drunk! + He's in that most unlovely stage + Of half-intoxication + When men resent the hint they're tight + As a personal imputation! + + "Ring up! ring up!" Orlando cried, + "Or we must cut the scene; + For Charles the Wrestler is imbued + With poisonous benzine, + And every moment gets more drunk + Than he before has been." + + The wrestling scene has come and Charles + Is much disguised in drink; + The stage to him's an inclined plane, + The footlights make him blink, + Still strives he to act well his part + Where all the honour lies, + Though Shakespeare would not in his lines + His language recognise + Instead of "Come, where is this young----?" + This man of bone and brawn, + He squares himself and bellows, "Time! + Fetch your Orlandos on!" + + "Now, Hercules be thy speed, young man," + Fair Rosalind said she, + As the two wrestlers in the ring + Grapple right furiously; + But Charles the Wrestler had no sense + Of dramatic propriety. + + He seized on Mr. Romeo Jones + In Graeco-Roman style; + He got what they call a grapevine lock + On that leading juvenile; + He flung him into the orchestra, + And the man with the ophicleide, + On whom he fell, he just said--well, + No matter what--and died! + + When once the tiger has tasted blood, + And found that it is sweet, + He has a habit of killing more + Than he can possibly eat. + + And thus it was with The Hunky Kid. + In his homicidal blindness + He lifted his hand against Rosalind, + Not in the way of kindness. + He chased poor Celia off at L., + At R. U. E. Le Beau, + And he put such a head upon Duke Fred, + In fifteen seconds or so, + That never one of the courtly train + Might his haughty master know. + + * * * * * + + And that's precisely what came to pass + Because the luckless carles + Belonging to the Am. Dram. Ass. + Cast The Hunky Kid for Charles! + + + + +THE PLUMBER'S REVENGE + +A LEGEND OF MADISON AVENUE + + + _Canto I--The Death-Bed Oath_ + + It was some thirty years ago, + An evening calm and red, + When a gold-haired stripling stood beside + His father's dying-bed. + "Attend, my son," the sick man said, + "Unto my dying tones, + And swear eternal vengeance to + The accursed race of Jones. + For why? Just nineteen years ago + A girl sat by my side, + With cheek of rose and breast of snow, + My peerless, promised bride. + A viper by the name of Jones + Came in between us twain; + With honeyed words he stole away + My loved Belinda Jane. + For he was rich and I was poor, + And poets all are stupid + Who feign the god of Love is not + Cupidity, but Cupid. + Perchance 'tis well, for had I wed + That maid of dark-brown curls, + You had not been, or been, instead + Of boy, a pair of girls. + Now listen to me, Walter Smith; + Hie to yon plumber bold, + An thou would'st ease my dying pang, + His 'prentice be enrolled. + For Jones has houses many on + The fashionable squares, + And thou, perchance, may'st be called in + To see to the repairs. + Think on thy father's ravished love. + Recall thy father's ills, + Remember this, the death-bed oath, + Then, make out Jones's bills." + + + _Canto II--The Young Avenger_ + + Young Walter's to the plumber gone. + A boy with smut on nose, + Furnace and carpet-sack in hand, + With the journeyman he goes. + Now grown a journeyman himself, + In grimy hand he gripes + A candle-end, and 'neath the sink + Explores the frozen pipes. + His furnace portable he lights + With smoking wads of news- + Papers, and smiles to see within + The pot the solder fuse. + He gives his fiat: "They are froze + Down about sixteen feet; + If you want water ere July + You must dig up the street." + "Practical Plumber" now is he, + As witnesseth his sign, + And ready now to undertake + Repairs in any line. + One day a housemaid, as he sat + At the receipt of biz, + Came crying, "Ho, Sir Smith, Sir Smith, + Sir Jones's pipes is friz." + He girt his apron round his loins, + His tools took from the shelf, + And to the journeyman he said, + "_I'll see to this myself._" + + "Would," said he, as he drew the bill, + "My father were alive; + Ten pounds of solder at ten cents, + $1.75!" + + + _Canto III--The Traitor's Doom_ + + The Jones had houses many on + The avenues and squares, + And hired the young Avenger Smith + To see to the repairs, + And Smith put faucets in, and cocks, + And meters, eke, and taps, + Connections, T-joints, sewer pipes, + Basins and water-traps; + He tore the walls and ripped the floors + To reach the pipes beyond, + And excavations in the street + And 'neath the side-walk yawned; + And daily as he entered up + The items in his book + The plumber's face wore a serene + And retrospective look. + And Jones would wring his hands and cry, + "Woe, woe, and utter woe! + Ah me! that taxes should be so high + And rents should be so low!" + Then he would give the Smith the house + As instalment on account + Of its repairs, and notes of hand + For the rest of the amount. + + + _Canto IV--Avenged at Last_ + + Now Smith had been for a dozen years + In the practical plumbing line, + And the bills of Smith did not grind slow, + And they ground extremely fine. + Terrace by terrace, house by house, + The lands of Jones he took, + And heavier still the balance was + Writ in that fatal book. + At last, no property nor cash + Had he, so he did fail, + And the avenging plumber locked + Him up in Ludlow Jail. + His heartless creditor he besought + For mercy in his need. + "Nay, nay, no mercy, lie and rot," + Quoth he, "in jail, like Tweed. + For I have sworn avenged to be + On thee, thy kin and kith; + Rememberest thou Belinda Jane? + I am the son of Smith!!!" + + + + +THE MERCHANT OF VENICE + + +A Venetian Merchant who was lolling in the lap of luxury was accosted +upon the Rialto by a friend who had not seen him for many months. "How +is this?" cried the latter. "When I last saw you your gaberdine was out +at elbows, and now you sail in your own gondola." "True," replied the +Merchant, "but since then I have met with serious losses, and been +obliged to compound with my creditors for ten cents on the dollar." + + +_Moral._--Composition is the life of trade. + + + + +THE UNFORTUNATE ELEPHANT + + +An Elephant had been endeavouring to rive the bole of a knotted oak +with his trunk, but the tree closed upon that member, detaining it, and +causing the hapless _Elphas Africanus_ intense pain. He shook the +forest with his trumpeting, and all the beasts gathered around him. +"Ah, ha, my friend," said a pert Chimpanzee, "you have got your trunk +checked, I see." "My children," said a temperate Camel to her young, +"let this awful example teach you to shun the bole." "Does it hurt +much?" said a compassionate Gnu. "Ah, it does; it does; it must; I gnu +it; I have been a mother myself." And while they were sympathising with +him the unfortunate Elephant expired in great agony. + + +_Moral._--The moral of the above is so plain as to need explanation. +Talk is cheap. + + + + +THE CORONER AND THE BANANA PEEL + + +As a Coroner was entering a saloon to see a man he beheld a careless +boy, who was eating a Banana, cast the rind of the fruit upon the +slippery stone sidewalk, but instead of chiding the urchin, smiled and +passed on. As he was coming out of the saloon, having satisfied his +thirst, he slipped on the peel of the Banana, and, falling, broke his +neck; so that a rival coroner made the fees from the inquest. + + +_Moral._--It is rare sport to see the Coroner hoist with his own +petard. + + + + +THE RHINOCEROS AND THE DROMEDARY + + +A thirsty Rhinoceros, having to his great joy encountered a Dromedary +in the desert of Sahara, besought the latter animal of his mercy to +give him a drink, but the Dromedary refused, stating that he was +holding the fluid for an advance. "Why," said he to the Rhinoceros, +"did you not imitate my forethought and prudence, and take some heed to +the morrow?" The Rhinoceros acknowledged the justice of the rebuke. +Some time afterwards he met in an oasis the Dromedary, who had realised +at the turn of the market and was now trying to cover his shorts. "For +Heaven's sake," he gasped to the Rhinoceros, who was wallowing in the +midst of a refreshing pool, "trust me for a nip." "When I was thirsty," +replied the Rhinoceros, "you declined to stand the drinks, but I will +give you a horn." So saying, he let the grateful sunlight into the +Dromedary's innards. + + +_Moral._--Virtue is its own reward. + + + + +THE HEN AND THE TAILOR + + +A Hen who had saved a Tailor from drowning in a marine disaster that +had cost several of his less fortunate companions their lives asked him +his opinion of the theory of evolution. The grateful Tailor replied +that he was himself an instance of the survival of the fittest; and the +philosophical Fowl, remarking that it was vulgar to pun, walked off +with much dignity to resume her interrupted occupation of hatching out +a china nest-egg. + + +_Moral._--Some people cannot take a joke. + + + + +THE GLOW-WORM AND THE FAMISHED NIGHTINGALE + + +A famished Nightingale, who had been singing to very thin houses, +chanced to encounter a Glow-worm at eventide and prepared to make upon +him a light repast. The unfortunate Lampyris Splendidula besought the +Songster, in the sacred name of Art, not to quench his vital spark, and +appealed to his magnanimity. "The Nightingale who needlessly sets claw +upon a Glow-worm," he said, "is a being whom it were gross flattery to +term a Luscinia Philomela." The Bird, however, turned a deaf beak to +these appeals and was about to douse the glim, when the Glow-worm cried +out, "Beware, lest I give you the heartburn; remember how Herod and +Luther died of a diet of Glow-worms," and while the Nightingale (who +was by no means a bad bird at stomach) was considering these +propositions, escaped, hanging out false lights to baffle his enemy's +pursuit. + + +_Moral._--Let the dead past bury its dead; act, act in the living +present. + + + + +THE CENTIPEDE AND THE BARBARIC YAK + + +While a Centipede was painfully toiling over the Libyan Desert he was +encountered by a barbaric Yak, who scornfully asked him how were his +poor feet. The humble creature made no reply at the time, but some days +later found the barbaric Yak taken in the nets of the hunter and almost +devoured by insects, which fled at the approach of the Centipede. +"Help, help, my good friend!" exclaimed the unfortunate beast. "I +cannot move a muscle in these cruel toils, and the ravenous insects +have devoured my delicate flesh." "Say you so?" responded the +Centipede. "Can you really not defend yourself?" "Alas! how can I?" +replied the Yak. "See you not how straitly I am bound?" "And is your +flesh then so delicate?" "It is, though I say it who should not." +"Then," said the Centipede, "I guess I'll take a bite myself." + + +_Moral._--The other man's extremity is often our opportunity. + + + + +THE HONEST NEWSBOY + + +A Newsboy was passing along the street, when he chanced to discover a +purse of greenbacks. He was at first inclined to conceal it, but, +repelling the unworthy suggestion, he asked a Venerable Man if it was +his'n. The Venerable Man looked at it hurriedly, said it was, patted +him on the head, gave him a quarter, and said he would yet be +president. The Venerable Man then hastened away, but was arrested for +having counterfeit bills in his possession, while the honest Newsboy +played penny-ante with his humble quarter and ran it up to $2.62. + + +_Moral._--Honesty is sometimes the best policy. + + + + +THE VILLAGER AND THE SNAKE + + +A Villager one frosty day found under a hedge a Snake almost dead with +cold. Moved with compassion, and having heard that snake oil was good +for the rheumatiz, he took it home and placed it on the hearth, where +it shortly began to wake and crawl. Meanwhile, the Villager having gone +out to keep an engagement with a man 'round the corner, the Villager's +son (who had not drawn a sober breath for a week) entered, and, +beholding the Serpent unfolding its plain, unvarnished tail, with the +cry, "I've got 'em again!" fled to the office of the nearest Justice of +the Peace, swore off and became an apostle of Temperance at $700 a +week. The beneficent Snake next bit the Villager's mother-in-law so +severely that death soon ended her sufferings--and his; then silently +stole away, leaving the Villager deeply and doubly in its debt. + + +_Moral._--A virtuous action is not always its only reward. A snake in +the grass is worth two in the boot. + + + + +THE OSTRICH AND THE HEN + + +An Ostrich and a Hen chanced to occupy adjacent apartments, and the +former complained loudly that her rest was disturbed by the cackling of +her humble neighbour. "Why is it," she finally asked the Hen, "that you +make such an intolerable noise?" The Hen replied, "Because I have laid +an egg." "Oh no," said the Ostrich, with a superior smile, "it is +because you are a Hen and don't know any better." + + +_Moral._--The moral of the foregoing is not very clear, but it contains +some reference to the Agitation for Female Suffrage. + + + + +THE SENATOR'S LAUNDRY + + +Signora Mirandolina Rocca, who was the landlady of the house where the +Club were lodging, was a widow, of about forty years of age, still +fresh and blooming, with a merry dark eye, and much animation of +features. Sitting usually in the small room which they passed on the +way to their apartments, they had to stop to get their keys, or to +leave them when they went out, and Buttons and Dick frequently stopped +to have a little conversation. The rest, not being able to speak +Italian, contented themselves with smiles; the Senator particularly, +who gave the most beaming of smiles both on going and on returning. +Sometimes he even tried to talk to her in his usual adaptation of +broken English, spoken in loud tones to the benighted but fascinating +foreigner. Her attention to Dick during his sickness increased the +Senator's admiration, and he thought her one of the best, one of the +most kind-hearted and sympathetic of beings. + +One day, toward the close of their stay in Rome, the Senator was in a +fix. He had not had any washing done since he came to the city. He had +run through all his clean linen, and came to a dead stand. Before +leaving for another place it was absolutely necessary to attend to +this. But how? Buttons was off with the Spaniards; Dick had gone out on +a drive. No one could help him, so he tried it himself. In fact, he had +never lost confidence in his powers of making himself understood. It +was still a fixed conviction of his that in cases of necessity any +intelligent man could make his wants known to intelligent foreigners. +If not, there is stupidity somewhere. Had he not done so in Paris and +in other places? + +So he rang and managed to make the servant understand that he wished to +see the landlady. The landlady had always shown a great admiration for +the manly, not to say gigantic charms of the Senator. Upon him she +bestowed her brightest smile, and the quick flush on her face and +heaving breast told that the Senator had made wild work with her too +susceptible heart. + +So now when she learned that the Senator wished to see her, she at once +imagined the cause to be any thing and every thing except the real one. +Why take that particular time, when all the rest were out? she thought. +Evidently for some tender purpose. Why send for her? Why not come down +to see her? Evidently because he did not like the publicity of her room +at the Conciergerie. + +She arrayed herself, therefore, in her brightest and her best charms; +gave an additional flourish to her dark hair that hung wavingly and +luxuriantly, and still without a trace of gray, over her forehead; +looked at herself with her dark eyes in the glass to see if she +appeared to the best advantage; and finally, in some agitation, but +with great eagerness, she went to obey the summons. + +Meantime the Senator had been deliberating how to begin. He felt that +he could not show his bundle of clothes to so fair and fine a creature +as this, whose manners were so soft and whose smile so pleasant. He +would do anything first. He would try a roundabout way of making known +his wishes, trusting to his own powers and the intelligence of the lady +for a full and complete understanding. Just as he had come to this +conclusion there was a timid knock at the door. + +"Come in," said the Senator, who began to feel a little awkward +already. + +"_E permesso?_" said a soft, sweet voice, "_se puo entrare?_" and +Signora Mirandolina Rocca advanced into the room, giving one look at +the Senator, and then casting down her eyes. + +"_Umilissima serva di Lei, Signore, mi commandi._" + +But the Senator was in a quandary. What could he do? How begin? What +gesture would be the most fitting for a beginning? + +The pause began to be embarrassing. The lady, however, as yet was +calm--calmer, in fact, than when she entered. + +So she spoke once more. + +"_Di che ha Ella bisogna, Illustrissimo?_" + +The Senator was dreadfully embarrassed. The lady was so fair in his +eyes. Was this a woman who could contemplate the fact of soiled linen? +Never. + +"Ehem!" said he. + +Then he paused. + +"_Serva devota_," said Signora Mirandolina. "_Che c'e, Signore._" + +Then, looking up, she saw the face of the Senator, all rosy red, turned +toward her with a strange confusion and embarrassment in his eye; yet +it was a kind eye--a soft, kind eye. + +"_Egli e forse innamorato di me_," murmured the lady, gathering new +courage as she saw the timidity of the other. "_Che grandezza!_" she +continued, loud enough for the Senator to hear, yet speaking as if to +herself. "_Che bellezza! un galantuomo, certamente--e quest' e molto +piacevole._" + +She glanced at the manly figure of the Senator with a tender admiration +in her eye, which she could not repress, and which was so intelligible +to the Senator that he blushed more violently than ever, and looked +helplessly around him. + +"_E innamorato di me, senza dubio_," said the Signora, "_vergogna non +vuol che si sapesse._" + +The Senator at length found voice. Advancing toward the lady he looked +at her very earnestly, and as she thought very piteously held out both +his hands, then smiled, then spread his hands apart, then nodded and +smiled again, and said: + +"Me--me--want--ha--hum--ah! You +know--me--gentleman--hum--me----Confound the luck!" he added, in +profound vexation. + +"_Signore_," said Mirandolina, "_la di Lei gentelezza me confonde._" + +The Senator turned his eyes all around, everywhere, in a desperate, +half-conscious search for escape from an embarrassing situation. + +"_Signore noi ci siamo sole, nessuno ci senti_," remarked the Signora +encouragingly. + +"Me want to tell you this!" burst forth the Senator. "Clothes--you +know--washy--washy." Whereupon he elevated his eyebrows, smiled, and +brought the tips of his fingers together. + +"_Io non so che cosa vuol dir mi, Illustrissimo_," said the Signora, in +bewilderment. + +"You--you--you know. Ah? Washy? Hey? No, no," shaking his head, "not +washy, but _get_ washy." + +The landlady smiled. The Senator, encouraged by this, came a step +nearer. + +"_Che cosa? Il cuor me palpita. Io tremo_," murmured La Rocca. + +She retreated a step. Whereupon the Senator at once fell back again in +great confusion. + +"Washy, washy," he repeated mechanically, as his mind was utterly vague +and distrait. + +"_Uassi-Uassi?_" repeated the other interrogatively. + +"Me----" + +"_Tu_," said she, with tender emphasis. + +"Wee, mounseer," said he, with utter desperation. + +The Signora shook her head. + +"_Non capisco. Ma quelle, balordaggini ed intormentimente, che sono si +non segni manifesti d'amore?_" + +"I don't understand, marm, a single word of that." + +The Signora smiled. The Senator took courage again. + +"The fact is this, marm," said he firmly, "I want to get my clothes +washed somewhere. Of course you don't do it, but you can tell me, you +know. Hm?" + +"_Non capisco._" + +"Madame," said he, feeling confident that she would understand that +word at least, and thinking, too, that it might perhaps serve as a key +to explain any other words which he might append to it, "my clothes--I +want to get them washed--laundress--washy--soap and water--clean 'em +all up--iron 'em--hang 'em out to dry. Ha?" + +While saying this he indulged in an expressive pantomime. When alluding +to his clothes he placed his hands against his chest, when mentioning +the drying of them he waved them in the air. The landlady comprehended +this. How not? When a gentleman places his hand on his heart, what is +his meaning? + +"_O sottigliezza d'amore!_" murmured she. "_Che cosa cerca_," she +continued, looking up timidly but invitingly. + +The Senator felt doubtful at this, and in fact a little frightened. +Again he placed his hands on his chest to indicate his clothes; he +struck that manly chest forcibly several times, looking at her all the +time. Then he wrung his hands. + +"_Ah, Signore_," said La Rocca, with a melting glance, "_non e d'uopo +di desperazione._" + +"Washy, washy----" + +"_Eppure, se Ella vuol sposarmi, non ce difficolta_," returned the +other, with true Italian frankness. + +"Soap and water----" + +"_Non ho il coraggio di dir di no._" + +The Senator had his arms outstretched to indicate the hanging-out +process. Still, however, feeling doubtful if he were altogether +understood, he thought he would try another form of pantomime. Suddenly +he fell down on his knees, and began to imitate the action of a +washer-woman over her tub, washing, wringing, pounding, rubbing. + +"_O gran' cielo!_" cried the Signora, her pitying heart filled with +tenderness at the sight of this noble being on his knees before her, +and, as she thought, wringing his hands in despair. "_O gran' cielo! +Egli e innamorato di me non puo parlar Italiano e cosi non puo +dirmelo._" + +Her warm heart prompted her, and she obeyed its impulse. What else +could she do? She flung herself into his outstretched arms as he raised +himself to hang out imaginary clothes on an invisible line. + +The Senator was thunderstruck, confounded, bewildered, shattered, +overcome, crushed, stupefied, blasted, overwhelmed, horror-stricken, +wonder-smitten, annihilated, amazed, horrified, shocked, frightened, +terrified, nonplussed, wilted, awe-struck, shivered, astounded, +dumfounded. He did not even struggle. He was paralysed. + +"_Ah, carissimo_," said a soft and tender voice in his ear, a low, +sweet voice, "_se veramenta me ami, saro lo tua carissima sposa----_" + +At that moment the door opened and Buttons walked in. In an instant he +darted out. The Signora hurried away. + +"_Addio, bellissima, carissima gioia!_" she sighed. + +The Senator was still paralysed. + +After a time he went with a pale and anxious face to see Buttons. That +young man promised secrecy, and when the Senator was telling his story +tried hard to look serious and sympathetic. In vain. The thought of +that scene, and the cause of it, and the blunder that had been made +overwhelmed him. Laughter convulsed him. At last the Senator got up +indignantly and left the room. + +But what was he to do now? The thing could not be explained. How could +he get out of the house? He would have to pass her as she sat at the +door. + +He had to call on Buttons again and implore his assistance. The +difficulty was so repugnant, and the matter so very delicate, that +Buttons declared he could not take the responsibility of settling it. +It would have to be brought before the Club. + +The Club had a meeting about it, and many plans were proposed. The +stricken Senator had one plan, and that prevailed. It was to leave Rome +on the following day. For his part he had made up his mind to leave the +house at once. He would slip out as though he intended to return, and +the others could settle his bill, and bring with them the clothes that +had caused all this trouble. He would meet them in the morning outside +the gates of the city. + +This resolution was adopted by all, and the Senator, leaving money to +settle for himself, went away. He passed hurriedly out of the door. He +dared not look. He heard a soft voice pronounce the word "_Gioia!_" He +fled. + +Now that one who owned the soft voice afterward changed her feelings so +much toward her "gioia" that opposite his name in her house-book she +wrote the following epithets: _Birbone_, _Villano_, _Zolicaccio_, +_Burberone_, _Gaglioffo_, _Meschino_, _Briconaccio_, _Anemalaccio_. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Humour of the North, by Lawrence J. 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