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diff --git a/24864-h/24864-h.htm b/24864-h/24864-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..34e764b --- /dev/null +++ b/24864-h/24864-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2069 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Great Potlatch Riots, by Allen Kim Lang + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p {margin-top: .75em; text-align: justify; margin-bottom: .75em;} + h1,h2 {text-align: center; clear: both;} + hr {width: 45%; margin: 1em auto; clear: both; visibility: hidden;} + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .trans1 {border: solid 1px; margin: 3em 15%; padding: 1em; text-align: justify;} + .cpq {float: left; margin-right: .05em; padding-top: .05em; font-size: 300%; line-height: .8em;} + .dcap {text-transform: uppercase;} + .tease {margin: 3em auto; font-size: large; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; width: 20em;} + .theend {text-align: right; font-weight: bold; margin-top: 2em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Great Potlatch Riots, by Allen Kim Lang + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Great Potlatch Riots + +Author: Allen Kim Lang + +Release Date: March 18, 2008 [EBook #24864] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GREAT POTLATCH RIOTS *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1><big>THE GREAT<br /> +POTLATCH RIOTS</big></h1> + +<h2>By ALLEN KIM LANG</h2> + +<p class="tease">Oh, leave it to the bureaucrats and +they'll figure out new ways to make +you buy more and more.... But +there was only one way the poor +consumer could rise up in his wrath.</p> + +<p><span class="cpq">"I</span>'<span class="dcap">ve</span> sweated for months over +the plans for this campaign," +Captain Wesley Winfree told the +Major. "Just nod, sir; that's all +I ask; and I'll throw my forces +into the field."</p> + +<p>"I admire your audacity, Winfree," +Major Stanley Dampfer +said, "but don't you think we'd +be wise to consolidate our current +positions before launching a +fresh offensive?"</p> + +<p>Captain Winfree, straight +in his scarlet-trimmed winter +greens, tapped the toe of one +boot with his swagger-stick. +"With all respect, sir," he said, +"I feel that if we do no more +than hold the line, we're lending +moral comfort to the foes of +prosperity. Attack! That's my +battle-plan, sir. Attack! And attack +again!"</p> + +<p>Major Dampfer, seated behind +Winfree's desk, stretched out his +legs and sighed. "You younger +officers, men who've never in +your lives tasted defeat, are an +inspiration and a trial to us old +field-graders," he said. "Captain, +a project that failed could +set your District back fifteen +years."</p> + +<p>"I realize that, sir," Winfree +said. "I'm placing my career in +the balance. If I attempt this, +and goof, ship me to the sticks, +Major. I'd rather spend the rest +of my BSG years as a corporal, +a simple Potlatch Observer in a +downstate village, than never to +have embarked on this campaign."</p> + +<p>"Young Napoleon must have +been very like you, Winfree," +Major Dampfer mused. "Very +well, lad. Brief me."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir!" Captain Winfree +marched over to the giant calendar +that covered one wall of +his office and tapped his stick +against the three dates circled in +red. "We've established this triangle +of strong-points," he said. +"We control the second Sunday +in May and the third Sunday in +June in addition to our first and +most vital holding, the twenty-fifth +of December. I regard these +three victories, sir, as only +beachheads, only the softening-up +phases of a still greater campaign. +We must press on toward +Total Prosperity."</p> + +<p>"How, Winfree?" Major +Dampfer asked.</p> + +<p>"By adding three hundred and +sixty-two days a year to our laurels, +sir," Winfree said, sweeping +his swagger-stick across the +face of the calendar. "My plan +is to make every consumer's +birthday a Gratuity Day for each +of his Nearest-and-Dearest."</p> + +<p>Major Dampfer sat up +straight. "Captain," he said softly, +"this is Thinking Big. This +could lend billions a year to the +Gross National Product. It could +mean a major break-through on +the Prosperity front. Are you +really proposing that each consumer +be required to give birthday +presents to the same people, +and on the same scale, as he now +gives Xmas Gratuities?"</p> + +<p>"Precisely, sir," Captain Winfree +said. "My staff has in the +files the birthdate of every consumer +in the District. Enforcement +of the new quotas I propose +will be no more difficult +than the old: the same scale of +fines for non-compliance, the +same terms of imprisonment for +repeated offenses will be imposed. +The dates-of-destruction to +be marked on Birthday Gratuities +will be set as the next Potlatch +Day, plus one year. Merchandise +will be marked with the +year-date precisely as is now +done for Xmas, Dad's Day, and +Mom's Day gifts. Birthday-cards +will be addressed and sent from +this office, just like Xmas cards."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Major Dampfer stood and +drew on his uniform gauntlets. +"May I assume that you've covered +the field public-relations-wise?" +he asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," Captain Winfree +said. "I've composed a slogan for +this year's drive in my District: +'Make the Magi Come the Year +'Round—Birthday Gratuities for +All!'"</p> + +<p>"It sings, Winfree," Major +Dampfer said. "I like it. Captain, +you have my nod. Carry on with +this program. If you win the battle +for this District, I'll get you a +desk in Washington and Divisional +Command; you'll help us +tailor your plan to fit the entire +nation."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, sir," Winfree +said, grinning. "I won't disappoint +you."</p> + +<p>"You'd best not," the Major +said. He paused by the office +door. "Captain Winfree, the +word is on the grapevine that +you're planning to marry one of +the corporals in your office. That +right?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir," Winfree said. +"Peggy and I have set the wedding +for twenty-three December, +the day before Potlatch. We'd be +delighted should your duties allow +you to attend, Major."</p> + +<p>"I'll be there," Major Dampfer +promised. "And as a little gift +from the Bureau of Seasonal +Gratuities, Winfree, I order you +to move out on your new campaign +that same day: twenty-three +December." He raised a +gauntleted hand. "No, Captain! +Don't protest that you'll be needed +here. Your work is strategy, +not tactics. Your plans can be +implemented by your staff while +you're off on your honeymoon."</p> + +<p>"Whatever you say, sir," Winfree +said.</p> + +<p>"I'd be further gratified," the +Major continued, "if you'd hold +the ceremony right here in your +Headquarters Building. We of +the BSG must establish some +traditions, Winfree; the other +Services have a century-and-a-half's +lead on us in that field. So, +if the lovely corporal approves, +we'll make yours a proper military +wedding."</p> + +<p>"All this is very good of you, +sir," Captain Winfree said. "I'm +certain Peggy will be pleased."</p> + +<p>"Good!" Major Dampfer said. +"I'll handle all the details. Winfree, +you've got the quality we +used to know as Old-Fashioned +Intestinal Fortitude, back in the +day when a spade was called a +spade and no apologies about it. +We need more men like you in +the Bureau." He snapped a salute. +"Carry on, Captain; and +Happy Potlatch!"</p> + +<p>"A Very Happy Potlatch to +you, sir!" Winfree said, tossing +back the salute. "And a Merry +Xmas!"</p> + +<p>Captain Winfree walked to the +big window in the outer office to +watch Major Dampfer driven off +in his sergeant-chauffeured, scarlet-and-green +BSG Rolls limousine. +Then he about-faced without +warning to glare at his little +command, the eight non-coms, +the twenty-seven Other Ranks, +the four young lieutenants. They +all sat silent, watching him as +though waiting for confirmation +of an unpleasant rumor. Not a +file-cabinet stood open, not a +typewriter was moving. "Listen, +you people," Winfree growled, +pointing his swagger-stick like a +weapon, not sparing even Corporal +Peggy MacHenery his anger; +"We've got a Potlatch Day +coming up, the biggest ever. +Now get on the ball, dammit! I +don't want to see one of you +stopping for breath again till +Xmas Day." The lieutenants and +sergeants flushed; the girl privates +jumped their fingers onto +typewriter keys. "Corporal MacHenery," +Winfree said, "bring +your notepad to my office."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Peggy MacHenery, Corporal, +Bureau of Seasonal Gratuities, +followed her commanding officer +and husband-designate into his +office. "Close the door, Corporal," +Winfree said. Peggy did so, and +took her chair next to his desk, +the pad open on her knee and +her fountain pen at the ready. +"No dictation," Captain Winfree +said. "Please forgive me for taking +valuable official time for a +personal matter, Corporal; especially +after that little display of +tyranny I just put on out there. +Peggy, Major Dampfer has ordered +us to hold our wedding +here at District Headquarters. +He'll bring in a transport loaded +with BSG brass, fly in a band to +give us a send-off with pibrochs +and marches and double-flams; +and he'll probably set up an arch +of sabers for us to parade +through. Do you mind all this +very much, Peggy?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>She snapped her notepad shut. +"Daddy will be furious," she +said.</p> + +<p>"Your dad is already so worked +up about your marrying me, +a BSG-man, that a little extra +anger won't even show," Winfree +said. "I'm convinced that he's +teaching me fencing only in +hopes I'll have a fatal accident."</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" Peggy said. She +tossed her notebook on the desk +and stood to take Winfree's hand. +"Don't make Daddy out a monster, +Wes. About the other thing, +the military wedding, I don't +care. I'd marry you in a beer-barrel, +if you wanted it that +way."</p> + +<p>Captain Winfree took the +girl's free hand. "Peggy," he +said, "you're the greatest! Now +the good news. Major Dampfer +has approved my plans for instituting +Birthday Gratuity Quotas +in this District. Aren't you glad +for me?"</p> + +<p>"Glad?" Peggy demanded, +pulling away. "Wes, do you think +the consumers of this District +will put up with another invasion +of their pocketbooks, let alone +their private sentiments?"</p> + +<p>"Peggy, if you're going to +gripe every time the Bureau +raises the quotas a notch," Winfree +said, "you don't belong in +that uniform you're wearing."</p> + +<p>"Want me to take it off?" +Peggy challenged, reaching for +the top button of her blouse.</p> + +<p>"No, dammit!" Winfree said. +"But if you're going to discuss +the propriety of every decision I +make, please have the grace to +wait till we're outside District +Headquarters to do it."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir; thank you, sir," +Peggy said. She saluted. "Is +there anything more you want to +chew me out about, sir?"</p> + +<p>Winfree saluted back, then +growled at himself for the reflex. +"Woman," he said, "once we're +married I want to see your request +for discharge lying here on +my desk. How the devil can an +officer run an organization when +one of the enlisted personnel, the +corporal he's in love with, persists +in subordination?"</p> + +<p>"I can't quit," Peggy said. +"We'll need my salary, Wes, if +only to pay off our BSG quotas. +What with buying Xmas presents, +gifts for Mom's Day and +Pop's Day, and sending Birthday +Gratuities to every name on our +combined Nearest-and-Dearest +lists, we'll be living on rice and +soybeans till you make Light +Colonel. Quit? Wes, if you expect +to eat regular after we're married, +you'd best put me in for +sergeant's stripes."</p> + +<p>"Please, Peggy," Winfree asked. +"We'll discuss this all tonight, +off duty, if I survive your +father's swordplay. For now, +please let letters out to all District +wholesalers, telling them of +the Birthday Quotas and the new +dating procedures. Have one of +the lieutenants open the <i>secret</i> +files for you—it's all under 'Operation +Nativity.' You can get at +it right away."</p> + +<p>"Very well, Captain, sir," +Peggy said. "Happy Potlatch, +sir." She about-faced and marched +out, banging the office door +behind her.</p> + +<p>"Happy Potlatch be damned!" +Captain Winfree said, flinging +his swagger-stick toward the +calendar.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The MacHenery home was all +gables and pinnacles and spooled +porch-pillars, very like an enormous +wedding-cake, every horizontal +surface now frosted with +a thin layer of snow. Captain +Winfree tugged off his gauntlets, +rang the bell, and stood straighter +than usual to withstand the +hostile inspection of Kevin MacHenery, +Peggy's father.</p> + +<p>Mr. MacHenery opened the +door. Captain Winfree, although +retaining his smile of greeting, +groaned inwardly. MacHenery +was wearing his canvas fencing +outfit, flat-soled shoes, and carried +a foil in one hand. "My you +are a gorgeous sight, all Kelly-green +and scarlet piping, like a +tropical bird that's somehow +strayed into the snowfields," +MacHenery said. "Do come in, +Captain, and warm your feathers."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, sir," Winfree +said, brushing the snow from his +cap. He peeled off his overcoat +and hung it on the hall tree, +sticking his swagger-stick in one +of its pockets. "Peggy busy?" he +asked, hoping that her appearance +would preclude his being +given another unsolicited fencing-lesson.</p> + +<p>"After having spent two hours +in the bathroom with a curry-comb +and a bottle of wave-set," +MacHenery said, "my daughter +has finally got down to work in +the kitchen. We have time for an +engagement at steel in the parlor, +if you'd care to refine your +style, Captain."</p> + +<p>"Just as you say, sir," Winfree +said.</p> + +<p>"Your politeness offends me, +Wes," Kevin MacHenery complained, +handing him a foil and a +wire-mesh mask. "Slip off your +shoes. It's a terrible burden you +are laying on the shoulders of an +aging man, being so well-spoken +when he likes nothing more than +an argument. Now assume the +<i>on guard</i> position, Wesley."</p> + +<p>Winfree obediently placed his +feet at right angles, raised his +foil, and "sat down," assuming +the bent-leg position and feeling +his leg-muscles, still sore from +his last session with MacHenery, +begin to complain. "You're holding +your foil like a flyswatter," +MacHenery said. "Here, like +this!"</p> + +<p>"None of that, Daddy," Peggy +said, appearing from the kitchen. +"I'll not have you two sitting +down to eat all sweaty and out of +breath, like last time Wes was +over here."</p> + +<p>"She treats me like a backward +child," MacHenery said. He +took a bottle from a shelf and +poured generous dollops of +Scotch into two glasses, one of +which he handed to Winfree. +"Inasmuch as I disapprove of the +coming season," he said, "I'll +offer you no toast, Captain."</p> + +<p>"You don't care even for +Xmas?" Winfree asked in a tone +of mild reproach.</p> + +<p>"Ex-mas?" MacHenery demanded. +"What the devil is this +nor-fish-nor-fowl thing you call +Ex-mas? Some new festival, perhaps, +celebrated by carillons of +cash-register chimes?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Christmas</i>, if you prefer, +sir," Winfree said. "We in the +Bureau of Seasonal Gratuities +get used to using the other name. +We use the word so much in +writing that cutting it from nine +letters to four saves some thirty +thousand dollars annually, in this +District alone."</p> + +<p>"That's grand," MacHenery +said. He sat down with his whiskey. +"Simply grand."</p> + +<p>"We could drink to a Happy +Potlatch," Captain Winfree suggested.</p> + +<p>"I'd sooner toast my imminent +death by tetanus," MacHenery +said.</p> + +<p>"I'd like to taste this stuff," +Winfree said. "Let's compromise. +Can we drink to Peggy?"</p> + +<p>"Accepted," MacHenery said, +raising his glass. "To my Peggy—our +Peggy." He gave the whiskey +the concentration it deserved. +Then, "You know, Wesley," +he said, "if you weren't in the +BSG I could like you real well. +I'd rejoice at your becoming my +son-in-law. Too bad that you +wear the enemy uniform."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"The BSG is hardly an enemy," +Winfree said. "It's been +an American institution for a +long time. This is excellent whiskey."</p> + +<p>"We'll test a second sample, to +see whether its quality stands up +through the bottle," MacHenery +suggested. "For all we know, +they may be putting the best on +top." He poured them each another. +"Yes, Wesley, the Bureau +of Seasonal Gratuities has been +with the American consumer +quite a while. Twenty years it'll +be, come next Potlatch Day. You +were brought up in the foul tradition, +Wes. You don't know +what our country was like in the +good old days, when Christmas +was spelled with a <i>C</i> instead of +an <i>X</i>."</p> + +<p>"I know that a paltry twenty +billion dollars a year were spent +on Xmas—sorry, sir—on Christmas +Gratuities, back before my +Bureau came on the scene to +triple that figure, to bring us all +greater prosperity."</p> + +<p>"Your Bureau brought us the +stink of burning," MacHenery +said. "It brought us the Potlatch +Pyres."</p> + +<p>"Yes, Potlatch!" Captain Winfree +said. "Potlatch Pyres +and Potlatch Day—childhood's +brightest memory. Ah, those +smells from the fire! The incense +of seared varnish; the piny +smoke from building-blocks tossed +into the flames; the thick wool +stinks of dated shirts and cowboy-suits, +gasoline-soaked and +tossed into the Potlatch Pyre. My +little brother, padded fat in his +snowsuit, toddling up to the fire +to toss in his dated sled, then +scampering back from the sparks +while Mom and Dad smiled at +him from the porch, cuddling hot +cups of holiday ponchero in their +hands."</p> + +<p>"Seduction of the innocents," +MacHenery said. "Training the +babes to be wastrels."</p> + +<p>"We loved it," Winfree insisted. +"True, the little girls might +cry as they handed a dated doll +to the BSG-man; while he prepared +it for suttee with a wash +of gasoline and set it into the +fire; but little girls, as I suppose +you know, relish occasions for +weeping. They cheered up +mighty quick, believe me, when +the thermite grenades were set +off, filling the night air with the +electric smell of molten metal, +burning dated clocks and desk-lamps, +radios and humidors, +shoes and ships and carving-sets; +burning them down to smoke and +golden-glowing puddles under +the ashes of the Potlatch Pyre. +Then the fireworks, Mr. MacHenery. +The fireworks! The +BSG-man touching a flaming +torch to the fuses of the mortars; +a sizzle and a burst; the +Japanese star-shells splitting the +sky, splashing across the night's +ceiling, scattering from their +pods, blossoming into Queen +Anne's Lace in a dozen colors of +fire."</p> + +<p>"Fire and destruction," MacHenery +said. "There's your holiday +for children—fire and destruction!"</p> + +<p>"You missed it, sir," Winfree +said. "You don't understand. +Potlatch is a wonderful day for +children, a glorious introduction +to the science of economics. The +boys light Roman candles, shooting +crimson and orchid and +brass-flamed astonishers into the +clouds. A soft fog of snow makes +fuzzy smears of the pinwheels, of +the children racing, sparklers in +both hands, across the frozen +lawn. Dad lights the strings of +cannon-crackers—at our house +they used to dangle from a wire +strung across the porch, like +clusters of giant phlox—and they +convulse into life, jumping and +banging and scattering their red +skins onto the snow, filling the +air with the spice of gunpowder.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"The high-school kids come +home from their Potlatch Parties ..."</p> + +<p>"Wreckage and mayhem," +MacHenery grunted. "We used +to throw the same kind of parties +when I was a tad, but they were +against the law, back then. We +called 'em chicken-runs."</p> + +<p>"But nowadays, sir, those Potlatch +Parties contribute to the +general prosperity," Winfree explained. +"Used-car lots used to +border all the downtown streets, +anchors on progress. Now those +dated cars are smashed, and used +for scrap. The high-school drivers +work off their aggressions +ramming them together. And +there's no mayhem, Mr. MacHenery; +the BSG-man assigned +to Potlatch Parties strap the +kids in safe and make sure their +crash-helmets fit tight. It's all +clean fun."</p> + +<p>"Morally," MacHenery said, +"Potlatch Parties are still chicken-runs."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Peggy came back, as sleek and +crisp as though cooking were an +expensive sort of beauty treatment. +"Supper will be ready in +five minutes," she said. "If you +tigers will wash up ..."</p> + +<p>"We'll drink up, first," her +father said. "This man of yours +has been feeding me BSG propaganda. +I'm not sure I have any +appetite left."</p> + +<p>"What started you hating the +Bureau of Seasonal Gratuities, +Mr. MacHenery?" Winfree said.</p> + +<p>MacHenery poured them each +a drink. "You ever read Suetonius, +Wes?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"No, sir."</p> + +<p>"Yours is a generation of +monoglots," MacHenery sighed. +"It figures, though. There's no +profit in having today's youth +read the clinical record of another +civilization that died of +self-indulgence, that went roistering +to its doom in a carnival +of bloat."</p> + +<p>"Doom?" Winfree asked.</p> + +<p>"Doom richly deserved," MacHenery +said. "Old Suetonius describes, +for example, an instrument +that accompanied dinner-parties +during the reigns of the +last few Caesars. It was a device +that accomplished, two thousand +years ago, the function of our +proud Bureau of Seasonal Gratuities. +A feather, my boy. A simple +goose-quill."</p> + +<p>"I don't understand," Winfree +said.</p> + +<p>"I'd be hurt if you did, Captain," +MacHenery said. "I've set +my mind on explaining the point. +Now you see, Wes, the late Caesars +were pretty good consumers +of everything but petroleum, we +having that edge on them. They +spread a mighty fine table. A +gourmet would bring to Rome +caviar from the Caucasus, +peaches from Majorca, and, for +all I know, kippers from Britain. +Picture it, Wesley: cherries +served in golden bowls, heaped +on the snow trotted down from +mountain-tops by marathons of +slaves. A dish called The Shield +of Minerva was one of their +greatest delights; this being an +Irish stew compounded of lamprey-milt, +pike-livers, flamingo-tongues, +and the tiny, tasty +brains of pheasants and peacocks; +eaten while viewing the +floor-show of strip-teasing Circassian +girls or—Galba's invention, +this—elephants walking +tight-rope. Grand, Wes. No meals +like that at the supermarket; no +shows like that even on the television."</p> + +<p>"But the feather?" Winfree +prompted.</p> + +<p>"Ah, yes," MacHenery said. +"The moment our noble Roman +had eaten his fill he'd pick up the +feather next to his plate and, excusing +himself, adjourn to the +adjoining vomitorium. A few +tickles of the palate, and his first +meal would be only a lovely memory. +He'd saunter back to his +bench by the table again, ready +to set to with another helping +of Minerva's Shield."</p> + +<p>"Disgusting," Winfree said.</p> + +<p>"Yes, indeed," MacHenery +agreed, smiling and fitting his +fingertips together. "Now attend +my simile, Captain. Unlike those +feathered Romans of the Decadence, +we moderns settle for +one meal at a sitting, and let it +digest in peace. We have instead +our more sophisticated greeds, +whetted by subtle persuasions +and an assurance that it's really +quite moral to ransom our future +for today's gimmicks."</p> + +<p>"Prosperity requires the cooperation +of every citizen," Captain +Winfree said, quoting an +early slogan of the BSG.</p> + +<p>"Your artificial prosperity requires +us, the moment we're +sated with chrome chariots and +miracle-fiber dressing-gowns and +electronic magics, the minute our +children have toys enough to last +them through the age of franchise, +to take in hand the feather +forced upon us by regulation of +the Bureau of Seasonal Gratuities +and visit the parish Potlatch +Pyre, our modern vomitorium, to +spew up last year's dainties to +make belly-room for a new lot," +MacHenery said.</p> + +<p>"Daddy!" Peggy MacHenery +protested from the living-room +doorway. "What sort of table-talk +is that?"</p> + +<p>"Truth is the sweetest sauce, +Peggy," MacHenery said, getting +up from his chair. "What +delights have you cooked up for +us, child?"</p> + +<p>"Your favorite dish, Daddy," +Peggy said, grinning at him. +"Peacock brains on toast."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The next two weeks were too +busy for Captain Winfree to +partner Kevin MacHenery on the +fencing-mat. He was double-busy, +in fact; planning the biggest +Potlatch Day in twenty +years at the same time he started +the wheels of his project to make +birthdays Gratuity Days for +every consumer in his District.</p> + +<p>The girls, assisted by two of +the male sergeants, had decorated +the District Headquarters till +it glittered like a child's dream +of the North Pole. Against one +wall they'd placed the Xmas tree, +its branches bearing dozens of +dancing elves, Japanese swordsmen, +marching squads of BSG-recruits, +prancing circus-ponies; +all watch-work figures busy with +movement, flashing with microscopic +lights, humming little +melodies that matched their motions. +A giant replica of the +Bureau's cap-emblem—the Federal +eagle clutching between his +talons a banderole bearing the +motto, <i>'Tis More Blessed to Give +Than Receive</i>—had been mounted +on the center wall, the place of +honor. Beneath the eagle stood a +bandstand draped in bunting, +ready to accommodate the Bureau +of Seasonal Gratuities +Brass-Band-and-Glee-Club, the +members of which were to fly in +from Washington to grace the +bridal day with epithalamiums +and martial song.</p> + +<p>The big work, the eight-hours-a-day +and after-supper-overtime +work, was the preparation for +Potlatch Day, the festival that +meant to the BSG what April +Fifteenth means to the Internal +Revenue Service. Cases of fireworks +piled up in the brick warehouse +next door to Headquarters. +Sawdust-packed thermite grenades +were stacked right up to +the perforated pipes of the sprinkler +system. <i>No Smoking</i> sign +blossomed a hundred yards on +every side. The blacklists, naming +consumers who'd withheld +dated gifts from the Potlatch +Pyres of earlier years, were +brought up to date and distributed +to the Reserve BSG Officers +in each township of Winfree's +District. These holdouts, it was +safe to assume, would be under +surveillance on Potlatch Day. +Cold-eyed sergeants and lieutenants +would make note of the +material each of them consigned +to the flames, and would cross-check +their notes with Nearest-and-Dearest +lists to make sure +that all post-dated Mom's Day +and Dad's Day gratuities, all of +last Xmas's gifts, had been destroyed +as required by BSG ordinance.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile letters piled into +Captain Winfree's office, thousands +of them each time the Post +Office truck stopped outside +Headquarters. Several of these +were penned in a brownish stuff +purported to be their authors' +lifeblood; and all voiced indignation +against Schedule 121B, +Table 12, which set minimum +levels of cost for the birthday +gratuities they'd have to give +each of the fifteen persons on +their Nearest-and-Dearest lists. +Hundreds of protests were printed +in the vox populi columns of +District newspapers, recommending +every printable form of violence +against agents of the Bureau. +BSG practice was to regard +with benign eye public outcry of +this sort. No consumer in Winfree's +District, immersed as he +was in the debate over Birthday +Gratuity Minima, could possibly +plead ignorance should he be apprehended +in violation of these +new regulations.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Finally, it was two days before +Xmas, Potlatch Day Minus +One. Phone-calls had rippled out +from District Headquarters, calling +all BSG Reservists to the +colors, assigning them to Potlatch +Duty in the townships or +patrol in the city; telling each +officer and non-com where and +when to submit his requisition +for pyrotechnical devices, gasoline, +thermite bombs, and pads of +BSG Form No. 217-C, "Incident +of Consumer Non-Compliance." +And the day was even more than +this. It was the day Captain +Wesley Winfree was to wed Corporal +Margaret MacHenery in +the sight of God, man, and the +glitteringest crowd of BSG brass +ever assembled outside Washington.</p> + +<p>By noon the typewriters in +Headquarters were covered and +shoved with their desks behind +folding screens hung with pine-boughs. +Every wheel in the District +motor pool was on the highway +from the airport, shuttling +in the wedding-party. The bride, +closeted in an anteroom with a +gaggle of envious bachelor-girls, +was dressing herself in winter +greens, her chevrons brilliant +against her sleeves. Peggy had +pinned a tiny poinsettia to her +lapel; strictly against Regulations; +but who'd have the heart +to reprimand so lovely a bride? +The minister who was to perform +the wedding, a young captain-chaplain +of BSG, paced +amongst the hidden desks, memorizing +the greetings he'd composed +to precede the formal +words of wedding. The guests +came laughing through a corridor +of potted pines into the District +Headquarters, where they +were greeted by the BSG Band-and-Glee-Club's +rendition of the +Bureau's official anthem, "I'm +Dreaming of a White Potlatch." +As though it had been arranged +by Washington, snow had indeed +begun to fall; and the tiers of +overcoats racked in the outer +hall were beaded with melted +flakes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The groom, wearing his dress +greens—the winter uniform +worn with white shirt and a +scarlet bow-tie—was still trapped +behind his desk, hardly conscious +of the joyful noises from +beyond the door. "They haven't +shown?" he bellowed into the +telephone. "Don't fret your head +about it, Sergeant. Those Reservists +will damned well be on +duty tomorrow morning or we'll +have their cans in a courtroom +before dark." Slam! An anxious +girl Pfc tiptoed in. "Sir, a consumer's +delegation wishes to +speak with you about the new +Birthday Quotas."</p> + +<p>"Tell them they're stuck with +it," Winfree snapped. "Hand +these around that delegation, +Soldier," he said, shoving a stack +of Schedules 1219B across his +desk toward the girl. "Tell that +bunch of complainers I'll keep +this District's economy healthy +if I have to jail every consumer +in it."</p> + +<p>The phone rang again. "It's +me, Wes, Peggy."</p> + +<p>"Darling, I'm busy," Winfree +said.</p> + +<p>"Didn't you write our wedding-date +on your appointment +list?" she asked. "It'll only take +a quarter-hour."</p> + +<p>"Don't marry anyone else," +Winfree said. "I'll be right out." +He hung up the phone and stood +at the mirror in his closet to +check his uniform. Then he picked +up his silver-trimmed dress +swagger-stick and marched out +into the main office to meet the +chaplain, and his wife.</p> + +<p>Major Stanley Dampfer, glorious +in his dress greens, a Sam +Bowie belt equating his belly and +supporting the side-arm holstered +by one big hip, slapped Winfree +on the back as he entered +the hall. "At ease!" the Major +shouted, then glanced contritely +toward the two BSG colonels +who'd been talking the loudest. +"Gentlemen, ladies: I want to +present the founder of this feast, +the brightest star in the Bureau's +firmament, the young +genius of Birthday Gratuity +Quotas. I refer, of course, to +Captain Wesley Winfree!"</p> + +<p>[Applause, shouts, a few ribald +remarks from the officers +nearest the bar]</p> + +<p>"I just want to tell you all," +the Major went on, his arm +heavy across Winfree's unwilling +shoulders, "before I relinquish +this fine young officer to his new +commander, a corporal ..."</p> + +<p>[Laughter]</p> + +<p>"... that here's a man who's +going places. Look well at Captain +Winfree's face, friends. You +will see it yet on the cover of +<i>Time</i>, above a pair of stars."</p> + +<p>[Applause]</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The Major freed Captain Winfree, +the guests settled down into +their folding-chairs, and the +chaplain opened his BSG <i>Book +of Authorized Ceremonies</i>. He +and the affianced couple stood +alone together in a moment of +silence. He opened the service. +"Dearly beloved, we are gathered +together here ...</p> + +<p>"... Margaret, wilt thou have +this Man to thy wedded husband +... so long as ye both shall live? +... by virtue of the authority +vested in me by the Corps of +Chaplains, Bureau of Seasonal +Gratuities, I pronounce that you +are Man and Wife. Amen, and +Congratulations!"</p> + +<p>The first wedded kiss, and the +stag-line demanding its similar +perquisite. Kevin MacHenery +seized his son-in-law's right +hand. "I wish you both fifty +happy years, Wes," he said. "I +hope you'll see the light soon, +and spend most of those years in +decent mufti." Major Dampfer +shouldered Mr. MacHenery aside +to tug Winfree and his new wife +toward the mountain of gifts, +covered like a giant's corpse +with a sheet, standing by the +base of the Xmas tree. The +Major triumphantly pulled a ripcord, +and the sheet dropped +away. Beneath it were dozens of +boxes and bundles and bottles, +wrapped in scarlet and green +and silver and gold. "Open +them!" some guest prompted +from the end of the hall.</p> + +<p>"Why open them?" Corporal +Mrs. Peggy Winfree asked. +"Anyone got a match? We'll have +our Potlatch Pyre right here and +now, burn them right off instead +of waiting a year."</p> + +<p>"The lady jests," Major Dampfer +assumed. "Wedding-gifts, +Corporal, aren't subject to Potlatching."</p> + +<p>"Goody," Peggy said.</p> + +<p>"I'll have some of the enlisted +guests carry these gratuities out +to your car," the Major said. +"You can unwrap them during +your honeymoon." He chuckled.</p> + +<p>Towing his bride with his left +hand, accepting handshakes with +his right, Captain Winfree shouldered +his way through the mob +of brass and chevrons to the +door. His car, adorned with a +<i>Just Married</i> sign that completely +obscured the rear window, +trailing strings of shoes and +empty milk-tins, stood at the end +of a corridor formed by two face-to-face +ranks of BSG Officer-Candidates. +The OCS-men wore +dress greens and Academy helmets, +and about the waist of +each hung a saber. Consumers +stood gray and inconspicuous behind +the two rows of uniformed +men, silent, unsmiling, like onlookers +at an accident. Captain +Winfree looked over this civilian +crowd. Each person wore, pinned +to a lapel, perched in a hatbrim, +or worn like a corsage, a small +white feather. "We'd best hurry, +Peggy," he said, urging her toward +the gantlet.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The Officer-Candidates, on a +signal from Major Dampfer, +snicked their ceremonial sabers +from their scabbards and presented +them, blade-tip to blade-tip, +as an archway. The BSG +Band-and-Glee-Club, playing +and singing, "Potlatch Is Comin' +to Town," stood in the doorway. +Captain Winfree, clasping +Peggy's gloved hand tightly, led +her through the saber-roofed +aisleway as rapidly as he could. +"What's the rush, Wes?" she +asked. "We'll get married only +once, and I'd like to see the ceremony +well enough to be able to +describe it to our eventual children, +when they ask me what it +was like."</p> + +<p>Winfree opened the door of +their car. "We'd better get out of +here," he said. "I smell a riot +brewing; and I don't want you to +have to describe that to our children."</p> + +<p>Peggy scooted into the car just +as the District Headquarters +building burped out a giant bubble +of smoke. An arm reached +out to Winfree's lapel and tugged +him back from the car. "You're +going nowhere, buddy," a civilian +growled at him. The man, +Winfree saw, was wearing the +ubiquitous white feather in his +lapel. As Winfree shook himself +free from the civilian, the arch +of sabers above them collapsed. +The BSG-OCS-men were tossed +about in a mob of suddenly +screaming consumers, waving +their weapons as ineffectively as +brooms. Fragments were spun +off the whirl of people, bits of +BSG uniforms torn off their +wearers and tossed like confetti. +A huge pink figure, clad in one +trouser-leg and a pair of shorts, +smeared across the chest and +face with soot, dashed toward +Winfree, waving a .45 pistol. +"Stop this violence!" he screamed +at the consumers in his way, +leveling his pistol. "Maintain the +peace, dammit! or I'll shoot!"</p> + +<p>"That idiot!" Winfree said. +He slammed the door of the car +to give Peggy a little protection, +then scooped up a handful of +snow from the gutter to pound +into a ball and toss like a grenade +at the back of Major Dampfer's +neck. The Major's boots +flew out from under him, and he +landed belly-down in the snow, +burying his pistol's muzzle. The +gun went off, flinging itself like +a rocket out of his hand. Winfree +snatched it up. "Blanks!" he +yelled, waving the .45. "He was +only going to shoot blanks."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Three more civilians, wearing +the white-feather symbol on +their overcoats, advanced toward +Winfree. Together, like partners +in a ballet, they bent to build +snowballs, then stood and let fly. +Winfree ducked, found one of +the dress sabers ignominiously +sheathed in snow, and drew it +out. He retreated toward the automobile, +the saber raised to +protect Peggy. "Stand back," he +shouted. "I don't want to bloody-up +this clean snow."</p> + +<p>Another mitrailleusade of +snowballs connected, knocking off +Winfree's cap and sending a +shower of snow down his collar. +The Headquarters building was +burning so well that it served as +a warming bonfire to the tattered +BSG personnel. A squad of civilian +youngsters was chasing +Major Dampfer down the street, +pelting the huge target of his +backside with snowballs.</p> + +<p>The BSG Band-and-Glee-Club, +covering their nakedness by pooling +their rags, were a musical +rabble. Kevin MacHenery, carrying +a saber captured from one of +the BSG-OCS-men, shouted to a +tuba-player, the bell of whose +horn had been dimpled by a +hard-cored snowball. "Play the +National Anthem," he yelled. +The player, chilly and terrified, +raised the mouthpiece of the +tuba to his lips and, looking fearfully +about like the target of a +test-your-skill ball-throwing +game, puffed out the sonorous +opening notes. One by one the +other players, a flute behind an +elm tree, a trumpet hidden in the +back seat of a parked limousine, +a snow-damaged snare-drum, +joined in; gravitating towards +one another through the suddenly +quiet crowd. Winfree, like the +other men, civil and BSG, stood +at attention; but as he felt +Peggy's arm slip through his he +spoke out of the corner of his +mouth. "Get back to the car, +Peggy," he said. "Drive like hell +out of this chivaree. I'll meet you +at your dad's place. Now git!"</p> + +<p>"You think maybe I had my +fingers crossed when I promised +to have and hold you?" she asked. +"You're my man, Wes. If you +get beat up, I want my eyes +blackened to match yours."</p> + +<p>The anthem drew to a close +just as a new instrument, the +siren of a firetruck, joined in. +"Stop that truck!" one of the +insurgent consumers shouted. +"Don't let 'em touch our fire."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The mob went back into action +in two task-forces; one dedicated +to the extirpation of the BSG-men +currently available, the +other clustered around the firetruck, +thwarting the fire-fighters' +efforts to couple their hose to +the hydrant. One youngster, +wearing the black leather jacket +and crash-helmet of a Potlatch +Party, ran from the fireworks +warehouse with a thermite grenade. +Pulling the pin, he tossed +the sputtering bomb through a +window of the burning building. +"Stop him!" the white-helmeted +fire-chief shouted.</p> + +<p>"Stop him, hell!" a consumer +replied. "Man, we got a rebellion +going. Don't you guys try to +throw cold water on it unless +you'd like to be squirted solid ice +with your own hose."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The fire-chief, his hands raised +in despair, turned to his colleagues. +"Stand by, boys," he +said. "Nothing we can do till the +cops get here to quell this +bunch."</p> + +<p>"Pretty, isn't it?" one of the +firemen remarked, dropping the +canvas hose. "We never get to see +a building burn all the way. +Think of all the papers in there, +file-cabinets full of government +regulations, lists of all our birthdays, +quota-forms; all curling up +and turning brown and reaching +the kindling point. Nice fire, +Chief."</p> + +<p>The fire-chief faced Headquarters, +a new look replacing his +anxiety. "It is kind of pretty," +he admitted. He turned to the +consumer ringleader. "OK with +you if we throw a little water on +the fireworks warehouse?" he +asked.</p> + +<p>"Sure," the man said. "We +don't want to blow up the old +home-town; we only want to put +the BSG out of business." His +band of consumers stepped back +from the yellow fireplug to let +the firemen hook up their hoses, +toggle on the pressure, and begin +playing water over the blank +face of the fireworks warehouse.</p> + +<p>Captain Winfree was buried +in hard-fisted civilians, all seemingly +intent on erasing him as +the most familiar symbol of the +Bureau of Seasonal Gratuities. +Winfree bobbed to the surface +of the maelstrom for a moment, +waving his saber, and shouted, +"MacHenery! Get these jokers +off my back before I'm knee-deep +in cold meat." He thwacked another +of his assailants across the +pate with the flat of his blade.</p> + +<p>MacHenery, using his saber +as a lever, pried himself a path +through the crowd. As he reached +Captain Winfree, he raised +his saber. The crowd about the +two men retreated. "These folks +have suffered a lot from you, +Captain," MacHenery said. +"Think maybe they're due to see +a little bloodshed?"</p> + +<p>"OK by me," Winfree said, +panting, "if you don't mind shedding +it." He raised his saber in +salute—the only fencing-movement +he'd become proficient in—and +jumped into a crouch. MacHenery +closed, and the two +blades met in a clanging opening. +Peggy's father, for all his +handicap of twenty years, was a +fencer; Winfree, in his maiden +effort as a sabreur, used his +weapon like a club. He allemanded +about MacHenery, now and +then dashing in with clumsy deliveries +that were always met by +the older man's blade.</p> + +<p>Those firemen not immediately +concerned with spraying the +warehouse wall mounted the +racks of their truck to watch +the duel. BSG-men and -women, +huddled close to the warmth of +the burning building, watched +unhappily as their champion was +forced to retreat before MacHenery's +technique. "He'll kill +him!" Peggy shouted. She was +restrained from trying to break +up the fight by two burly consumers.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Winfree, trying a gambit he'd +seen in one of MacHenery's +books but had never before attempted, +extended his saber and +flew forward toward MacHenery +in a flèche. MacHenery caught +Winfree's blade on his own and +tossed it aside. He brought back +his own weapon to sketch a line +down the Captain's right cheek. +The scratch was pink for a moment, +then it started to bleed +heavily. The crowd shouted encouragement, +the BSG-troops +groaned. "Keep cool, Wes," MacHenery +whispered to his opponent +as they dos-à-doed back into +position. "I have to make this +look fierce or they'll insist on +lynching you."</p> + +<p>"Don't make it look too good," +Winfree panted. "Cover yourself—I +might hurt you out of +sheer clumsiness." His chin and +throat were covered with blood, +now; blood enough to satisfy the +most indignant consumer. The +moment the measure was set +again, Winfree lunged, trying to +slip his blade beneath MacHenery's +guard to strike his arm. +His foible met the flash of the +other man's forte, and his blade +bounced aside like a sprung bow.</p> + +<p>MacHenery slammed his saber +into Winfree's, spinning the +weapon out of his hand into the +crowd. He lunged then, delivering +his point against Winfree's +chest. Peggy, released from her +captors, burst from the crowd to +throw herself against her father. +"Stop it, Daddy!" she pleaded, +"please stop!"</p> + +<p>MacHenery raised his saber in +salute. "All right, Pocahontas," +he said. "Take your John Smith +home and patch up that cut. It's +no worse than what he gets shaving." +He turned to the crowd, his +saber still raised in salute. "Potlatch +is over forever!" he +shouted.</p> + +<p>Urged by a delegation of +music-loving consumers, the tubist +raised his ravaged horn. The +other members of the BSG Band-and-Glee-Club +gathered round +him, all ragged, some with one +eye closed by a purple fist-mark; +and they began, on the tubist's +signal, "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen." +The District Headquarters +building, gutted, was glowing +like an abandoned fireplace. +The firemen joined the singing +as they coiled their hoses. The +Potlatch Riot was over.</p> + +<p>Winfree led his wife to their +car. The <i>Just Married</i> sign was +still in place, but the car's train +of shoes and milk-cans had been +ripped off to furnish ammunition +in the fight. "Let's go home, +Peggy," Winfree said. "I yearn +for a fireside and some privacy."</p> + +<p>Kevin MacHenery spoke from +the back seat. "You deserve +them, Wes," he said.</p> + +<p>"What are you doing here?" +Peggy demanded, twisting to +face her father. "After you cut +up my Wes you should be ashamed +to show us your face."</p> + +<p>"I want to apologize for that +unfortunate necessity," MacHenery +said. "But if I hadn't +scratched him, Peggy-my-heart, +the mob might have done more +radical surgery. I saw one consumer +with a rope, trying different +knots."</p> + +<p>"Apology accepted," Winfree +said. "Now, if you don't mind, +Mr. MacHenery, Peggy and I'd +like to be alone."</p> + +<p>"Of course," MacHenery said. +"First, though, I'd like to present +you a decoration to commemorate +your part in this skirmish, +Wes." He took the little white +feather from his hatbrim and +attached it to Winfree's tattered, +blood-stained tunic.</p> + +<p>"What's this for?" Winfree +asked.</p> + +<p>"For services rendered the Rebellion," +MacHenery said. "I've +often wondered why it's only the +Tom Paines and the Jeffersons +who get honored by successful +rebels. There's many a revolution, +Wesley, that would have +failed except for the dedicated +tyranny of the men it overthrew."</p> + +<p>"I don't understand, Daddy," +Peggy protested.</p> + +<p>"Wes will probably explain to +you sometime how he brought +this all on himself," MacHenery +said, opening his door to get out. +"Now I expect you two have +other things to talk about. Thank +you, Captain Winfree, for playing +so excellent a George the +Third to our rebellion."</p> + +<p>"Thank you, sir," Winfree +said, raising his hand in salute. +"I wish you a Merry, nine-letter +Christmas."</p> + +<p class="theend">THE END</p> + +<div class="trans1"><b>Transcriber's Note:</b><br /> +This etext was produced from <i>Amazing Science Fiction Stories</i> +September 1959. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that +the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling +and typographical errors have been corrected without note.</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Great Potlatch Riots, by Allen Kim Lang + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GREAT POTLATCH RIOTS *** + +***** This file should be named 24864-h.htm or 24864-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/8/6/24864/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, Stephen Blundell and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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