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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/24761.txt b/24761.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3a3196 --- /dev/null +++ b/24761.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5374 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Rivals, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Rivals + A Comedy + +Author: Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +Release Date: March 6, 2008 [EBook #24761] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIVALS *** + + + + +Produced by Kent Cooper + + + + +The RIVALS +A Comedy + +By Richard Brinsley Sheridan + + +* * * * * * * + +PREFACE + +A preface to a play seems generally to be considered as a kind of +closet-prologue, in which--if his piece has been successful--the author +solicits that indulgence from the reader which he had before +experienced from the audience: but as the scope and immediate object of +a play is to please a mixed assembly in _representation_ (whose +judgment in the theatre at least is decisive,) its degree of reputation +is usually as determined as public, before it can be prepared for the +cooler tribunal of the study. Thus any farther solicitude on the part +of the writer becomes unnecessary at least, if not an intrusion: and if +the piece has been condemned in the performance, I fear an address to +the closet, like an appeal to posterity, is constantly regarded as the +procrastination of a suit, from a consciousness of the weakness of the +cause. From these considerations, the following comedy would certainly +have been submitted to the reader, without any farther introduction +than what it had in the representation, but that its success has +probably been founded on a circumstance which the author is informed +has not before attended a theatrical trial, and which consequently +ought not to pass unnoticed. + +I need scarcely add, that the circumstance alluded to was the +withdrawing of the piece, to remove those imperfections in the first +representation which were too obvious to escape reprehension, and too +numerous to admit of a hasty correction. There are few writers, I +believe, who, even in the fullest consciousness of error, do not wish +to palliate the faults which they acknowledge; and, however trifling +the performance, to second their confession of its deficiencies, by +whatever plea seems least disgraceful to their ability. In the present +instance, it cannot be said to amount either to candour or modesty in +me, to acknowledge an extreme inexperience and want of judgment on +matters, in which, without guidance from practice, or spur from +success, a young man should scarcely boast of being an adept. If it be +said, that under such disadvantages no one should attempt to write a +play, I must beg leave to dissent from the position, while the first +point of experience that I have gained on the subject is, a knowledge +of the candour and judgment with which an impartial public +distinguishes between the errors of inexperience and incapacity, and +the indulgence which it shows even to a disposition to remedy the +defects of either. + +It were unnecessary to enter into any further extenuation of what was +thought exceptionable in this play, but that it has been said, that the +managers should have prevented some of the defects before its +appearance to the public--and in particular the uncommon length of the +piece as represented the first night. It were an ill return for the +most liberal and gentlemanly conduct on their side, to suffer any +censure to rest where none was deserved. Hurry in writing has long been +exploded as an excuse for an author;--however, in the dramatic line, +it may happen, that both an author and a manager may wish to fill a +chasm in the entertainment of the public with a hastiness not +altogether culpable. The season was advanced when I first put the play +into Mr. Harris's hands: it was at that time at least double the length +of any acting comedy. I profited by his judgment and experience in the +curtailing of it--till, I believe, his feeling for the vanity of a +young author got the better of his desire for correctness, and he left +many excrescences remaining, because he had assisted in pruning so many +more. Hence, though I was not uninformed that the acts were still too +long, I flattered myself that, after the first trial, I might with +safer judgment proceed to remove what should appear to have been most +dissatisfactory. Many other errors there were, which might in part have +arisen from my being by no means conversant with plays in general, +either in reading or at the theatre. Yet I own that, in one respect, I +did not regret my ignorance: for as my first wish in attempting a play +was to avoid every appearance of plagiary, I thought I should stand a +better chance of effecting this from being in a walk which I had not +frequented, and where, consequently, the progress of invention was less +likely to be interrupted by starts of recollection: for on subjects on +which the mind has been much informed, invention is slow of exerting +itself. Faded ideas float in the fancy like half-forgotten dreams; and +the imagination in its fullest enjoyments becomes suspicious of its +offspring, and doubts whether it has created or adopted. + +With regard to some particular passages which on the first night's +representation seemed generally disliked, I confess, that if I felt any +emotion of surprise at the disapprobation, it was not that they were +disapproved of, but that I had not before perceived that they deserved +it. As some part of the attack on the piece was begun too early to pass +for the sentence of _judgment_, which is ever tardy in condemning, it +has been suggested to me, that much of the disapprobation must have +arisen from virulence of malice, rather than severity of criticism: but +as I was more apprehensive of there being just grounds to excite the +latter than conscious of having deserved the former, I continue not to +believe that probable, which I am sure must have been unprovoked. +However, if it was so, and I could even mark the quarter from whence it +came, it would be ungenerous to retort: for no passion suffers more +than malice from disappointment. For my own part, I see no reason why +the author of a play should not regard a first night's audience as a +candid and judicious friend attending, in behalf of the public, at his +last rehearsal. If he can dispense with flattery, he is sure at least +of sincerity, and even though the annotation be rude, he may rely upon +the justness of the comment. Considered in this light, that audience, +whose _fiat_ is essential to the poet's claim, whether his object be +fame or profit, has surely a right to expect some deference to its +opinion, from principles of politeness at least, if not from gratitude. + +As for the little puny critics, who scatter their peevish strictures in +private circles, and scribble at every author who has the eminence of +being unconnected with them, as they are usually spleen-swoln from a +vain idea of increasing their consequence, there will always be found +a petulance and illiberality in their remarks, which should place them +as far beneath the notice of a gentleman, as their original dulness had +sunk them from the level of the most unsuccessful author. + +It is not without pleasure that I catch at an opportunity of justifying +myself from the charge of intending any national reflection in the +character of Sir Lucius O'Trigger. If any gentlemen opposed the piece +from that idea, I thank them sincerely for their opposition; and if the +condemnation of this comedy (however misconceived the provocation) +could have added one spark to the decaying flame of national attachment +to the country supposed to be reflected on, I should have been happy in +its fate, and might with truth have boasted, that it had done more real +service in its failure, than the successful morality of a thousand +stage-novels will ever effect. + +It is usual, I believe, to thank the performers in a new play, for the +exertion of their several abilities. But where (as in this instance) +their merit has been so striking and uncontroverted, as to call for the +warmest and truest applause from a number of judicious audiences, the +poet's after-praise comes like the feeble acclamation of a child to +close the shouts of a multitude. The conduct, however, of the +principals in a theatre cannot be so apparent to the public. I think +it therefore but justice to declare, that from this theatre (the only +one I can speak of from experience) those writers who wish to try the +dramatic line will meet with that candour and liberal attention, which +are generally allowed to be better calculated to lead genius into +excellence, than either the precepts of judgment, or the guidance of +experience. + +The AUTHOR + +* * * * * * * + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + As originally acted at COVENT GARDEN THEATRE in 1775 + + Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE + CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE + FAULKLAND + ACRES + Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER + FAG + DAVID + THOMAS + Mrs. MALAPROP + LYDIA LANGUISH + JULIA + LUCY + Maid, Boy, Servants, &c. + +SCENE--Bath. + +Time of action--Five hours. + +* * * * * * * + +PROLOGUE +By the AUTHOR + +[Enter SERJEANT-AT-LAW, and ATTORNEY following, and giving a paper.] + +SERJEANT + What's here!--a vile cramp hand! I cannot see + Without my spectacles. + +ATTORNEY + He means his fee. + Nay, Mr. Serjeant, good sir, try again. [Gives money.] + +SERJEANT + The scrawl improves! [more] O come, 'tis pretty plain. + Hey! how's this? Dibble!--sure it cannot be! + A poet's brief! a poet and a fee! + +ATTORNEY + Yes, sir! though you without reward, I know, + Would gladly plead the Muse's cause. + +SERJEANT + So!--so! + +ATTORNEY + And if the fee offends, your wrath should fall + On me. + +SERJEANT + Dear Dibble, no offence at all. + +ATTORNEY + Some sons of Phoebus in the courts we meet, + +SERJEANT + And fifty sons of Phoebus in the Fleet! + +ATTORNEY + Nor pleads he worse, who with a decent sprig + Of bays adorns his legal waste of wig. + +SERJEANT + Full-bottom'd heroes thus, on signs, unfurl + A leaf of laurel in a grove of curl! + Yet tell your client, that, in adverse days, + This wig is warmer than a bush of bays. + +ATTORNEY + Do you, then, sir, my client's place supply, + Profuse of robe, and prodigal of tie-- + Do you, with all those blushing powers of face, + And wonted bashful hesitating grace, + Rise in the court, and flourish on the case. [Exit.] + +SERJEANT + For practice then suppose--this brief will show it,-- + Me, Serjeant Woodward,--counsel for the poet. + Used to the ground, I know 'tis hard to deal + With this dread court, from whence there's no appeal; + No tricking here, to blunt the edge of law, + Or, damn'd in equity, escape by flaw: + But judgment given, your sentence must remain; + No writ of error lies--to Drury Lane: + Yet when so kind you seem, 'tis past dispute + We gain some favour, if not costs of suit. + No spleen is here! I see no hoarded fury;-- + I think I never faced a milder jury! + Sad else our plight! where frowns are transportation. + A hiss the gallows, and a groan damnation! + But such the public candour, without fear + My client waives all right of challenge here. + No newsman from our session is dismiss'd, + Nor wit nor critic we scratch off the list; + His faults can never hurt another's ease, + His crime, at worst, a bad attempt to please: + Thus, all respecting, he appeals to all, + And by the general voice will stand or fall. + +* * * * * * * + +Prologue +By the AUTHOR + +SPOKEN ON THE TENTH NIGHT, BY MRS. BULKLEY. + + Granted our cause, our suit and trial o'er, + The worthy serjeant need appear no more: + In pleasing I a different client choose, + He served the Poet--I would serve the Muse. + Like him, I'll try to merit your applause, + A female counsel in a female's cause. + Look on this form--where humour, quaint and sly, + Dimples the cheek, and points the beaming eye; + Where gay invention seems to boast its wiles + In amorous hint, and half-triumphant smiles; + While her light mask or covers satire's strokes, + Or hides the conscious blush her wit provokes. + Look on her well--does she seem form'd to teach? + Should you expect to hear this lady preach? + Is grey experience suited to her youth? + Do solemn sentiments become that mouth? + Bid her be grave, those lips should rebel prove + To every theme that slanders mirth or love. + Yet, thus adorn'd with every graceful art + To charm the fancy and yet reach the heart-- + Must we displace her? And instead advance + The goddess of the woful countenance-- + The sentimental Muse!--Her emblems view, + The Pilgrim's Progress, and a sprig of rue! + View her--too chaste to look like flesh and blood-- + Primly portray'd on emblematic wood! + There, fix'd in usurpation, should she stand, + She'll snatch the dagger from her sister's hand: + And having made her votaries weep a flood, + Good heaven! she'll end her comedies in blood-- + Bid Harry Woodward break poor Dunstal's crown! + Imprison Quick, and knock Ned Shuter down; + While sad Barsanti, weeping o'er the scene, + Shall stab herself--or poison Mrs. Green. + Such dire encroachments to prevent in time, + Demands the critic's voice--the poet's rhyme. + Can our light scenes add strength to holy laws! + Such puny patronage but hurts the cause: + Fair virtue scorns our feeble aid to ask; + And moral truth disdains the trickster's mask + For here their favourite stands, whose brow severe + And sad, claims youth's respect, and pity's tear; + Who, when oppress'd by foes her worth creates, + Can point a poniard at the guilt she hates. + + +* * * * * * * * * * * + +THE RIVALS + +* * * * * * * * * * * + + +ACT I + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene I.--A street. +[Enter THOMAS; he crosses the stage; FAG follows, looking after him.] + +FAG +What! Thomas! sure 'tis he?--What! Thomas! Thomas! + +THOMAS +Hey!--Odd's life! Mr. Fag!--give us your hand, my old fellow-servant. + +FAG +Excuse my glove, Thomas:--I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad. Why, my +prince of charioteers, you look as hearty!--but who the deuce thought +of seeing you in Bath? + +THOMAS +Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, Mrs. Kate, and the postillion, be all +come. + +FAG +Indeed! + +THOMAS +Ay, master thought another fit of the gout was coming to make him a +visit;--so he'd a mind to gi't the slip, and whip! we were all off at +an hour's warning. + +FAG +Ay, ay, hasty in every thing, or it would not be Sir Anthony Absolute! + +THOMAS +But tell us, Mr. Fag, how does young master? Odd! Sir Anthony will +stare to see the Captain here! + +FAG +I do not serve Captain Absolute now. + +THOMAS +Why sure! + +FAG +At present I am employed by Ensign Beverley. + +THOMAS +I doubt, Mr. Fag, you ha'n't changed for the better. + +FAG +I have not changed, Thomas. + +THOMAS +No! Why didn't you say you had left young master? + +FAG +No.--Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle you no farther:--briefly +then--Captain Absolute and Ensign Beverley are one and the same person. + +THOMAS +The devil they are! + +FAG +So it is indeed, Thomas; and the ensign half of my master being on +guard at present--the captain has nothing to do with me. + +THOMAS +So, so!--What, this is some freak, I warrant!--Do tell us, Mr. Fag, the +meaning o't--you know I ha' trusted you. + +FAG +You'll be secret, Thomas? + +THOMAS +As a coach-horse. + +FAG +Why then the cause of all this is--Love,--Love, Thomas, who (as you may +get read to you) has been a masquerader ever since the days of Jupiter. + +THOMAS +Ay, ay;--I guessed there was a lady in the case:--but pray, why does +your master pass only for ensign?--Now if he had shammed general +indeed---- + +FAG +Ah! Thomas, there lies the mystery o' the matter. Hark'ee, Thomas, my +master is in love with a lady of a very singular taste: a lady who +likes him better as a half pay ensign than if she knew he was son and +heir to Sir Anthony Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a year. + +THOMAS +That is an odd taste indeed!--But has she got the stuff, Mr. Fag? Is +she rich, hey? + +FAG +Rich!--Why, I believe she owns half the stocks! Zounds! Thomas, she +could pay the national debt as easily as I could my washerwoman! She +has a lapdog that eats out of gold,--she feeds her parrot with small +pearls,--and all her thread-papers are made of bank-notes! + +THOMAS +Bravo, faith!--Odd! I warrant she has a set of thousands at least:--but +does she draw kindly with the captain? + +FAG +As fond as pigeons. + +THOMAS +May one hear her name? + +FAG +Miss Lydia Languish.--But there is an old tough aunt in the way; +though, by-the-by, she has never seen my master--for we got acquainted +with miss while on a visit in Gloucestershire. + +THOMAS +Well--I wish they were once harnessed together in matrimony.--But pray, +Mr. Fag, what kind of a place is this Bath?--I ha' heard a deal of +it--here's a mort o' merrymaking, hey? + +FAG +Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well--'tis a good lounge; in the morning we +go to the pump-room (though neither my master nor I drink the waters); +after breakfast we saunter on the parades, or play a game at billiards; +at night we dance; but damn the place, I'm tired of it: their regular +hours stupify me--not a fiddle nor a card after eleven!--However, Mr. +Faulkland's gentleman and I keep it up a little in private +parties;--I'll introduce you there, Thomas--you'll like him much. + +THOMAS +Sure I know Mr. Du-Peigne--you know his master is to marry Madam Julia. + +FAG +I had forgot.--But, Thomas, you must polish a little--indeed you +must.--Here now--this wig!--What the devil do you do with a wig, +Thomas?--None of the London whips of any degree of _ton_ wear wigs now. + +THOMAS +More's the pity! more's the pity! I say.--Odd's life! when I heard how +the lawyers and doctors had took to their own hair, I thought how +'twould go next:--odd rabbit it! when the fashion had got foot on the +bar, I guessed 'twould mount to the box!--but 'tis all out of +character, believe me, Mr. Fag: and look'ee, I'll never gi' up +mine--the lawyers and doctors may do as they will. + +FAG +Well, Thomas, we'll not quarrel about that. + +THOMAS +Why, bless you, the gentlemen of the professions ben't all of a +mind--for in our village now, thoff Jack Gauge, the exciseman, has +ta'en to his carrots, there's little Dick the farrier swears he'll +never forsake his bob, though all the college should appear with their +own heads! + +FAG +Indeed! well said, Dick!--But hold--mark! mark! Thomas. + +THOMAS +Zooks! 'tis the captain.--Is that the Lady with him? + +FAG +No, no, that is Madam Lucy, my master's mistress's maid. They lodge at +that house--but I must after him to tell him the news. + +THOMAS +Odd! he's giving her money!--Well, Mr. Fag---- + +FAG +Good-bye, Thomas. I have an appointment in Gyde's porch this evening at +eight; meet me there, and we'll make a little party. + +[Exeunt severally.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene II.--A Dressing-room in Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. +[LYDIA sitting on a sofa, with a book in her hand. Lucy, as just +returned from a message.] + +LUCY +Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the town in search of it: I don't +believe there's a circulating library in Bath I ha'n't been at. + +LYDIA +And could not you get _The Reward of Constancy_? + +LUCY +No, indeed, ma'am. + +LYDIA +Nor _The Fatal Connexion_? + +LUCY +No, indeed, ma'am. + +LYDIA +Nor _The Mistakes of the Heart_? + +LUCY +Ma'am, as ill luck would have it, Mr. Bull said Miss Sukey Saunter had +just fetched it away. + +LYDIA +Heigh-ho!--Did you inquire for _The Delicate Distress_? + +LUCY +Or, _The Memoirs of Lady Woodford_? Yes, indeed, ma'am. I asked every +where for it; and I might have brought it from Mr. Frederick's, but +Lady Slattern Lounger, who had just sent it home, had so soiled and +dog's-eared it, it wa'n't fit for a Christian to read. + +LYDIA +Heigh-ho!--Yes, I always know when Lady Slattern has been before me. +She has a most observing thumb; and, I believe, cherishes her nails for +the convenience of making marginal notes.--Well, child, what have you +brought me? + +LUCY +Oh! here, ma'am.--[Taking books from under her cloak, and from her +pockets.] This is _The Gordian Knot_,--and this _Peregrine Pickle_. +Here are _The Tears of Sensibility_, and _Humphrey Clinker_. This is +_The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality, written by herself_, and here the +second volume of _The Sentimental Journey_. + +LYDIA +Heigh-ho!--What are those books by the glass? + +LUCY +The great one is only _The Whole Duty of Man_, where I press a few +blonds, ma'am. + +LYDIA +Very well--give me the sal volatile. + +LUCY +Is it in a blue cover, ma'am? + +LYDIA +My smelling-bottle, you simpleton! + +LUCY +Oh, the drops!--here, ma'am. + +LYDIA +Hold!--here's some one coming--quick, see who it is.---- + +[Exit LUCY.] + +Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice. + +[Re-enter LUCY.] + +LUCY +Lud! ma'am, here is Miss Melville. + +LYDIA +Is it possible!---- + +[Exit LUCY.] + +[Enter JULIA.] + +LYDIA +My dearest Julia, how delighted am I!--[Embrace.] How unexpected was +this happiness! + +JULIA +True, Lydia--and our pleasure is the greater.--But what has been the +matter?--you were denied to me at first! + +LYDIA +Ah, Julia, I have a thousand things to tell you!--But first inform me +what has conjured you to Bath?--Is Sir Anthony here? + +JULIA +He is--we are arrived within this hour--and I suppose he will be here +to wait on Mrs. Malaprop as soon as he is dressed. + +LYDIA +Then before we are interrupted, let me impart to you some of my +distress!--I know your gentle nature will sympathize with me, though +your prudence may condemn me! My letters have informed you of my whole +connection with Beverley; but I have lost him, Julia! My aunt has +discovered our intercourse by a note she intercepted, and has confined +me ever since! Yet, would you believe it? she has absolutely fallen in +love with a tall Irish baronet she met one night since we have been +here, at Lady Macshuffle's rout. + +JULIA +You jest, Lydia! + +LYDIA +No, upon my word.--She really carries on a kind of correspondence with +him, under a feigned name though, till she chooses to be known to +him:--but it is a Delia or a Celia, I assure you. + +JULIA +Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece. + +LYDIA +Quite the contrary. Since she has discovered her own frailty, she is +become more suspicious of mine. Then I must inform you of another +plague!--That odious Acres is to be in Bath to-day; so that I protest I +shall be teased out of all spirits! + +JULIA +Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best--Sir Anthony shall use his +interest with Mrs. Malaprop. + +LYDIA +But you have not heard the worst. Unfortunately I had quarrelled with +my poor Beverley, just before my aunt made the discovery, and I have +not seen him since, to make it up. + +JULIA +What was his offence? + +LYDIA +Nothing at all!--But, I don't know how it was, as often as we had been +together, we had never had a quarrel, and, somehow, I was afraid he +would never give me an opportunity. So, last Thursday, I wrote a letter +to myself, to inform myself that Beverley was at that time paying his +addresses to another woman. I signed it _your friend unknown_, showed +it to Beverley, charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent +passion, and vowed I'd never see him more. + +JULIA +And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since? + +LYDIA +'Twas the next day my aunt found the matter out. I intended only to +have teased him three days and a half, and now I've lost him for ever. + +JULIA +If he is as deserving and sincere as you have represented him to me, he +will never give you up so. Yet consider, Lydia, you tell me he is but +an ensign, and you have thirty thousand pounds. + +LYDIA +But you know I lose most of my fortune if I marry without my aunt's +consent, till of age; and that is what I have determined to do, ever +since I knew the penalty. Nor could I love the man who would wish to +wait a day for the alternative. + +JULIA +Nay, this is caprice! + +LYDIA +What, does Julia tax me with caprice?--I thought her lover Faulkland +had inured her to it. + +JULIA +I do not love even his faults. + +LYDIA +But apropos--you have sent to him, I suppose? + +JULIA +Not yet, upon my word--nor has he the least idea of my being in Bath. +Sir Anthony's resolution was so sudden, I could not inform him of it. + +LYDIA +Well, Julia, you are your own mistress, (though under the protection of +Sir Anthony), yet have you, for this long year, been a slave to the +caprice, the whim, the jealousy of this ungrateful Faulkland, who will +ever delay assuming the right of a husband, while you suffer him to be +equally imperious as a lover. + +JULIA +Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were contracted before my father's +death. That, and some consequent embarrassments, have delayed what I +know to be my Faulkland's most ardent wish. He is too generous to +trifle on such a point:--and for his character, you wrong him there, +too. No, Lydia, he is too proud, too noble to be jealous; if he is +captious, 'tis without dissembling; if fretful, without rudeness. +Unused to the fopperies of love, he is negligent of the little duties +expected from a lover--but being unhackneyed in the passion, his +affection is ardent and sincere; and as it engrosses his whole soul, he +expects every thought and emotion of his mistress to move in unison +with his. Yet, though his pride calls for this full return, his +humility makes him undervalue those qualities in him which would +entitle him to it; and not feeling why he should be loved to the degree +he wishes, he still suspects that he is not loved enough. This temper, +I must own, has cost me many unhappy hours; but I have learned to think +myself his debtor, for those imperfections which arise from the ardour +of his attachment. + +LYDIA +Well, I cannot blame you for defending him. But tell me candidly, +Julia, had he never saved your life, do you think you should have been +attached to him as you are?--Believe me, the rude blast that overset +your boat was a prosperous gale of love to him. + +JULIA +Gratitude may have strengthened my attachment to Mr. Faulkland, but I +loved him before he had preserved me; yet surely that alone were an +obligation sufficient. + +LYDIA +Obligation! why a water spaniel would have done as much!--Well, I +should never think of giving my heart to a man because he could swim. + +JULIA +Come, Lydia, you are too inconsiderate. + +LYDIA +Nay, I do but jest.--What's here? + +[Re-enter LUCY in a hurry.] + +LUCY +O ma'am, here is Sir Anthony Absolute just come home with your aunt. + +LYDIA +They'll not come here.--Lucy, do you watch. + +[Exit LUCY.] + +JULIA +Yet I must go. Sir Anthony does not know I am here, and if we meet, +he'll detain me, to show me the town. I'll take another opportunity of +paying my respects to Mrs. Malaprop, when she shall treat me, as long +as she chooses, with her select words so ingeniously misapplied, +without being mispronounced. + +[Re-enter LUCY.] + +LUCY +O Lud! ma'am, they are both coming up stairs. + +LYDIA +Well, I'll not detain you, coz.--Adieu, my dear Julia. I'm sure you are +in haste to send to Faulkland.--There--through my room you'll find +another staircase. + +JULIA +Adieu! [Embraces LYDIA, and exit.] + +LYDIA +Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. Quick, quick!--Fling _Peregrine +Pickle_ under the toilet--throw _Roderick Random_ into the closet--put +_The Innocent Adultery_ into _The Whole Duty of Man_--thrust _Lord +Aimworth_ under the sofa--cram _Ovid_ behind the bolster--there--put +_The Man of Feeling_ into your pocket--so, so--now lay _Mrs. Chapone_ +in sight, and leave _Fordyce's Sermons_ open on the table. + +LUCY +O burn it, ma'am! the hair-dresser has torn away as far as _Proper +Pride_. + +LYDIA +Never mind--open at _Sobriety_.--Fling me _Lord Chesterfields +Letters_.--Now for 'em. + +[Exit LUCY.] + +[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +There, Sir Anthony, there sits the deliberate simpleton who wants to +disgrace her family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a +shilling. + +LYDIA +Madam, I thought you once---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You thought, miss! I don't know any business you have to think at +all--thought does not become a young woman. But the point we would +request of you is, that you will promise to forget this fellow--to +illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory. + +LYDIA +Ah, madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so easy +to forget. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +But I say it is, miss; there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget, +if a person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot +your poor dear uncle as if he had never existed--and I thought it my +duty so to do; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent memories don't +become a young woman. + +Sir ANTHONY +Why sure she won't pretend to remember what she's ordered not!--ay, +this comes of her reading! + +LYDIA +What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter; you know I +have proof controvertible of it.--But tell me, will you promise to do +as you're bid? Will you take a husband of your friends' choosing? + +LYDIA +Madam, I must tell you plainly, that had I no preferment for any one +else, the choice you have made would be my aversion. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +What business have you, miss, with preference and aversion? They don't +become a young woman; and you ought to know, that as both always wear +off, 'tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion. I am +sure I hated your poor dear uncle before marriage as if he'd been a +blackamoor--and yet, miss, you are sensible what a wife I made!--and +when it pleased Heaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown what tears +I shed!--But suppose we were going to give you another choice, will you +promise us to give up this Beverley? + +LYDIA +Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise, my actions +would certainly as far belie my words. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Take yourself to your room.--You are fit company for nothing but your +own ill-humours. + +LYDIA +Willingly, ma'am--I cannot change for the worse. [Exit.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +There's a little intricate hussy for you! + +Sir ANTHONY +It is not to be wondered at, ma'am,--all this is the natural +consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by +Heaven! I'd as soon have them taught the black art as their alphabet! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an absolute misanthropy. + +Sir ANTHONY +In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming +forth from a circulating library!--She had a book in each hand--they +were half-bound volumes, with marble covers!--From that moment I +guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Those are vile places, indeed! + +Sir ANTHONY +Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of +diabolical knowledge! It blossoms through the year!--And depend on it, +Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will +long for the fruit at last. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically. + +Sir ANTHONY +Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a woman +know? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to +be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a +young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or +Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such +inflammatory branches of learning--neither would it be necessary for +her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical +instruments.--But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to +a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. +Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;--and +as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might +know something of the contagious countries;--but above all, Sir +Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not +mis-spell, and mis-pronounce words so shamefully as girls usually do; +and likewise that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is +saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know;--and I +don't think there is a superstitious article in it. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with +you; though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite +arguer, for almost every third word you say is on my side of the +question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to the more important point in +debate--you say you have no objection to my proposal? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres, +and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have +better success. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable +of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. +He is at present with his regiment. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on +his side. + +Sir ANTHONY +Objection!--let him object if he dare!--No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack +knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was +always very simple--in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this";--if +he demurred, I knocked him down--and if he grumbled at that, I always +sent him out of the room. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience!--nothing is so +conciliating to young people as severity.--Well, Sir Anthony, I shall +give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's +invocations;--and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an +object not altogether illegible. + +Sir ANTHONY +Madam, I will handle the subject prudently.--Well, I must leave you; +and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to +the girl.--Take my advice--keep a tight hand: if she rejects this +proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the +servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't +conceive how she'd come about. [Exit.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition. +She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius +O'Trigger--sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me!--No, the girl is such a +simpleton, I should have made her confess it.--Lucy!--Lucy!--[Calls.] +Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted +her. + +[Re-enter LUCY.] + +LUCY +Did you call, ma'am? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Yes, girl.--Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out? + +LUCY +No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned---- + +LUCY +Oh gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on. + +LUCY +No, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir +Lucius; but mind, Lucy--if ever you betray what you are entrusted with +(unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence +for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your +locality. [Exit.] + +LUCY +Ha! ha! ha!--So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little +respite.--[Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as +they please of appearing expert, and knowing in their trusts; commend +me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest +under it!--Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity +lately.--[Looks at a paper.] For _abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a +design of running away with an ensign!--in money, sundry times, twelve +pound twelve; gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c., &c., +numberless!--From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas +and a half_.--About a quarter's pay!--Item, _from Mrs. Malaprop, for +betraying the young people to her_--when I found matters were likely to +be discovered--_two guineas, and a black paduasoy._--Item, _from Mr. +Acres, for carrying divers letters_--which I never delivered--_two +guineas, and a pair of buckles._--Item, _from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, +three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box!_--Well +done, Simplicity!--Yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that +he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for though +not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice +the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune. [Exit.] + + +* * * * * * * * * * * + + +ACT II + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene I.--CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's Lodgings. +[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.] + +FAG +Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me +to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see +you. + +ABSOLUTE +And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath? + +FAG +Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He +started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen interjectural +oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, sir, and what did you say? + +FAG +Oh, I lied, sir--I forgot the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he +got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in +future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath; in order +that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were +curious, sir, very curious indeed. + +ABSOLUTE +You have said nothing to them? + +FAG +Oh, not a word, sir,--not a word! Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman +(whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)---- + +ABSOLUTE +'Sdeath!--you rascal! you have not trusted him! + +FAG +Oh, no, sir--no--no--not a syllable, upon my veracity!--He was, indeed, +a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir--devilish sly! My master (said +I), honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors,) +is come to Bath to recruit--Yes, sir, I said to recruit--and whether +for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor +any one else. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, recruit will do--let it be so. + +FAG +Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly--indeed, to give the thing an +air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five +disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen +billiard-markers. + +ABSOLUTE +You blockhead, never say more than is necessary. + +FAG +I beg pardon, sir--I beg pardon--but, with submission, a lie is nothing +unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good +current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much +security.--Is Mr. Faulkland returned? + +FAG +He is above, sir, changing his dress. + +ABSOLUTE +Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony and Miss +Melville's arrival? + +FAG +I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his +gentleman, who was with him at Bristol.--I think, sir, I hear Mr. +Faulkland coming down---- + +ABSOLUTE +Go, tell him I am here. + +FAG +Yes, sir.--[Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you +will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you +please. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, well. + +FAG +And, in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the +chairmen and waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for though I +never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience +to be found out. [Exit.] + +ABSOLUTE +Now for my whimsical friend--if he does not know that his mistress is +here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him---- + +[Enter FAULKLAND.] + +Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your +return. + +FAULKLAND +Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I +went on. Well, what news since I left you? how stand matters between +you and Lydia? + +ABSOLUTE +Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; +however, I expect to be recalled every hour. + +FAULKLAND +Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once? + +ABSOLUTE +What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? you forget that, my +friend.--No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago. + +FAULKLAND +Nay then, you trifle too long--if you are sure of her, propose to the +aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent. + +ABSOLUTE +Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope +with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would +take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum +wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no; I must +prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to +her, before I risk it.--Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day +at the hotel? + +FAULKLAND +Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party. + +ABSOLUTE +By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, +captious, incorrigible lover!--Do love like a man. + +FAULKLAND +I own I am unfit for company. + +ABSOLUTE +Am I not a lover; ay, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry every +where with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, +wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain! + +FAULKLAND +Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on +one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could +stake and throw again;--but I have set my sum of happiness on this +cast, and not to succeed, were to be stripped of all. + +ABSOLUTE +But, for heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your +whimsical brain conjure up at present? + +FAULKLAND +What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens! are there not a +thousand! I fear for her spirits--her health--her life!--My absence may +fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me may oppress her +gentle temper: and for her health, does not every hour bring me cause +to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her +delicate frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected +her! The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life +of her, for whom only I value mine. O Jack! when delicate and feeling +souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement +of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause +for a lover's apprehension! + +ABSOLUTE +Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not.--So, then, +Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, +you would be entirely content? + +FAULKLAND +I should be happy beyond measure--I am anxious only for that. + +ABSOLUTE +Then to cure your anxiety at once--Miss Melville is in perfect health, +and is at this moment in Bath. + +FAULKLAND +Nay, Jack--don't trifle with me. + +ABSOLUTE +She is arrived here with my father within this hour. + +FAULKLAND +Can you be serious? + +ABSOLUTE +I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden +whim of this kind.--Seriously, then, it is as I tell you--upon my +honour. + +FAULKLAND +My dear friend!--Hollo, Du-Peigne! my hat.--My dear Jack--now nothing +on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness. + +[Re-enter FAG.] + +FAG +Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below. + +ABSOLUTE +Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he +shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left +her.--Fag, show this gentleman up. + +[Exit FAG.] + +FAULKLAND +What, is he much acquainted in the family? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character +will divert you. + +FAULKLAND +Well, I should like to ask him a few questions. + +ABSOLUTE +He is likewise a rival of mine--that is, of my other self's, for he +does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in +question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one +Beverley, a concealed skulking rival, who---- + +FAULKLAND +Hush!--he's here. + +[Enter ACRES.] + +ACRES +Ha! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how do'st thou? +just arrived, faith, as you see.--Sir, your humble servant.--Warm work +on the roads, Jack!--Odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a +comet, with a tail of dust all the way as long as the Mall. + +ABSOLUTE +Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your +attraction hither.--Give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to you; Mr. +Faulkland, Mr. Acres. + +ACRES +Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: sir, I solicit your +connections.--Hey, Jack--what, this is Mr. Faulkland, who---- + +ABSOLUTE +Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland. + +ACRES +Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me:--I suppose +you have seen them. Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man. + +FAULKLAND +I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir;--I hope she enjoyed full health +and spirits in Devonshire? + +ACRES +Never knew her better in my life, sir,--never better. Odds blushes and +blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa. + +FAULKLAND +Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed. + +ACRES +False, false, sir--only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure +you. + +FAULKLAND +There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted +myself ill. + +ABSOLUTE +Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick? + +FAULKLAND +No, no, you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling +indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we +love.--Now confess--isn't there something unkind in this violent, +robust, unfeeling health? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure! + +ACRES +Good apartments, Jack. + +FAULKLAND +Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so +exceedingly well--what then she has been merry and gay, I +suppose?--Always in spirits--hey? + +ACRES +Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the company +wherever she has been--so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and +humour! + +FAULKLAND +There, Jack, there.--Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in +woman, that nothing can overcome.--What! happy, and I away! + +ABSOLUTE +Have done.--How foolish this is! just now you were only apprehensive +for your mistress' spirits. + +FAULKLAND +Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company? + +ABSOLUTE +No, indeed, you have not. + +FAULKLAND +Have I been lively and entertaining? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, upon my word, I acquit you. + +FAULKLAND +Have I been full of wit and humour? + +ABSOLUTE +No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed. + +ACRES +What's the matter with the gentleman? + +ABSOLUTE +He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has +been so well and happy--that's all--hey, Faulkland? + +FAULKLAND +Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it--yes, yes, she has a happy disposition! + +ACRES +That she has indeed--then she is so accomplished--so sweet a voice--so +expert at her harpsichord--such a mistress of flat and sharp, +squallante, rumblante, and quiverante!--There was this time month--odds +minims and crotchets! how she did chirrup at Mrs. Piano's concert! + +FAULKLAND +There again, what say you to this? you see she has been all mirth and +song--not a thought of me! + +ABSOLUTE +Pho! man, is not music the food of love? + +FAULKLAND +Well, well, it may be so.--Pray, Mr.--, what's his damned name?--Do you +remember what songs Miss Melville sung? + +ACRES +Not I indeed. + +ABSOLUTE +Stay, now, they were some pretty melancholy purling-stream airs, I +warrant; perhaps you may recollect;--did she sing, _When absent from my +soul's delight_? + +ACRES +No, that wa'n't it. + +ABSOLUTE +Or, _Go, gentle gales_! [Sings.] + +ACRES +Oh, no! nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them--_My heart's +my own, my will is free_. [Sings.] + +FAULKLAND +Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! +'Sdeath! to make herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle! to +soothe her light heart with catches and glees!--What can you say to +this, sir? + +ABSOLUTE +Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir. + +FAULKLAND +Nay, nay, nay--I'm not sorry that she has been happy--no, no, I am glad +of that--I would not have had her sad or sick--yet surely a sympathetic +heart would have shown itself even in the choice of a song--she might +have been temperately healthy, and somehow, plaintively gay;--but she +has been dancing too, I doubt not! + +ACRES +What does the gentleman say about dancing? + +ABSOLUTE +He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings. + +ACRES +Ay, truly, does she--there was at our last race ball---- + +FAULKLAND +Hell and the devil! There!--there--I told you so! I told you so! Oh! +she thrives in my absence!--Dancing! but her whole feelings have been +in opposition with mine;--I have been anxious, silent, pensive, +sedentary--my days have been hours of care, my nights of +watchfulness.--She has been all health! spirit! laugh! song! +dance!--Oh! damned, damned levity! + +ABSOLUTE +For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so!--Suppose she +has danced, what then?--does not the ceremony of society often oblige +---- + +FAULKLAND +Well, well, I'll contain myself--perhaps as you say--for form +sake.--What, Mr. Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of +dancing a minuet--hey? + +ACRES +Oh, I dare insure her for that--but what I was going to speak of was +her country-dancing. Odds swimmings! she has such an air with her! + +FAULKLAND +Now disappointment on her!--Defend this, Absolute; why don't you defend +this?--Country-dances! jigs and reels! am I to blame now? A minuet I +could have forgiven--I should not have minded that--I say I should not +have regarded a minuet--but country-dances!--Zounds! had she made one +in a cotillion--I believe I could have forgiven even that--but to be +monkey-led for a night!--to run the gauntlet through a string of +amorous palming puppies!--to show paces like a managed filly!--Oh, +Jack, there never can be but one man in the world whom a truly modest +and delicate woman ought to pair with in a country-dance; and, even +then, the rest of the couples should be her great-uncles and aunts! + +ABSOLUTE +Ay, to be sure!--grandfathers and grandmothers! + +FAULKLAND +If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a +contagion--the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement +of the jig--their quivering, warm-breathed sighs impregnate the very +air--the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark +darts through every link of the chain!--I must leave you--I own I am +somewhat flurried--and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going.] + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr. Acres for his good news. + +FAULKLAND +Damn his news! [Exit.] + +ABSOLUTE +Ha! ha! ha! poor Faulkland five minutes since--"nothing on earth could +give him a moment's uneasiness!" + +ACRES +The gentleman wa'n't angry at my praising his mistress, was he? + +ABSOLUTE +A little jealous, I believe, Bob. + +ACRES +You don't say so? Ha! ha! jealous of me--that's a good joke. + +ABSOLUTE +There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly +grace and insinuating manner of yours will do some mischief among the +girls here. + +ACRES +Ah! you joke--ha! ha! mischief--ha! ha! but you know I am not my own +property, my dear Lydia has forestalled me. She could never abide me in +the country, because I used to dress so badly--but odds frogs and +tambours! I shan't take matters so here, now ancient madam has no voice +in it: I'll make my old clothes know who's master. I shall straightway +cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable. My +hair has been in training some time. + +ABSOLUTE +Indeed! + +ACRES +Ay--and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes +it very kindly. + +ABSOLUTE +Ah, you'll polish, I doubt not. + +ACRES +Absolutely I propose so--then if I can find out this Ensign Beverley, +odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't. + +ABSOLUTE +Spoke like a man! But pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of +a new method of swearing---- + +ACRES +Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it--'tis genteel, isn't it!--I didn't +invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great +scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common +oaths, and that nothing but their antiquity makes them +respectable;--because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an +oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by +Venus! or by Pallas, according to the sentiment: so that to swear with +propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the +sense; and this we call the _oath referential_, or _sentimental +swearing_--ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it? + +ABSOLUTE +Very genteel, and very new, indeed!--and I dare say will supplant all +other figures of imprecation. + +ACRES +Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete.--Damns have had their day. + +[Re-enter FAG.] + +FAG +Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you.--Shall I show him +into the parlour? + +ABSOLUTE +Ay--you may. + +ACRES +Well, I must be gone---- + +ABSOLUTE +Stay; who is it, Fag? + +FAG +Your father, sir. + +ABSOLUTE +You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly? + +[Exit FAG.] + +ACRES +You have business with Sir Anthony.--I expect a message from Mrs. +Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius +O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack! we must meet at night, when you shall give me a +dozen bumpers to little Lydia. + +ABSOLUTE +That I will with all my heart.---- + +[Exit ACRES.] + +Now for a parental lecture--I hope he has heard nothing of the business +that brought me here--I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, +with all my soul! + +[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.] + +Sir I am delighted to see you here; looking so well! your sudden +arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health. + +Sir ANTHONY +Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack.--What, you are recruiting here, +hey? + +ABSOLUTE +Yes, sir, I am on duty. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, for I +was going to write to you on a little matter of business.--Jack, I have +been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not +trouble you long. + +ABSOLUTE +Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray +frequently that you may continue so. + +Sir ANTHONY +I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, +I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty I may continue +to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of +your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small +pittance for a lad of your spirit. + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, you are very good. + +Sir ANTHONY +And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in +the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble +independence. + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, your kindness overpowers me--such generosity makes the gratitude +of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection. + +Sir ANTHONY +I am glad you are so sensible of my attention--and you shall be master +of a large estate in a few weeks. + +ABSOLUTE +Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense +I have of your munificence.--Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me +to quit the army? + +Sir ANTHONY +Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses. + +ABSOLUTE +My wife, sir! + +Sir ANTHONY +Ay, ay, settle that between you--settle that between you. + +ABSOLUTE +A wife, sir, did you say? + +Sir ANTHONY +Ay, a wife--why, did not I mention her before? + +ABSOLUTE +Not a word of her, sir. + +Sir ANTHONY +Odd so!--I mustn't forget her though.--Yes, Jack, the independence I +was talking of is by marriage--the fortune is saddled with a wife--but +I suppose that makes no difference. + +ABSOLUTE +Sir! sir!--you amaze me! + +Sir ANTHONY +Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all +gratitude and duty. + +ABSOLUTE +I was, sir,--you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a +word of a wife. + +Sir ANTHONY +Why--what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the +estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. + +ABSOLUTE +If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the +purchase.--Pray, sir, who is the lady? + +Sir ANTHONY +What's that to you, sir?--Come, give me your promise to love, and to +marry her directly. + +ABSOLUTE +Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a +lady I know nothing of! + +Sir ANTHONY +I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you +know nothing of. + +ABSOLUTE +Then, sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed on +another--my heart is engaged to an angel. + +Sir ANTHONY +Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry--but business +prevents its waiting on her. + +ABSOLUTE +But my vows are pledged to her. + +Sir ANTHONY +Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth +redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, I suppose; +so there can be no loss there. + +ABSOLUTE +You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this +point I cannot obey you. + +Sir ANTHONY +Hark'ee, Jack;--I have heard you for some time with patience--I have +been cool--quite cool; but take care--you know I am compliance +itself--when I am not thwarted;--no one more easily led--when I have my +own way;--but don't put me in a frenzy. + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, I must repeat it--in this I cannot obey you. + +Sir ANTHONY +Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live! + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, sir, but hear me. + +Sir ANTHONY +Sir, I won't hear a word--not a word! not one word! so give me your +promise by a nod--and I'll tell you what, Jack--I mean, you dog--if you +don't, by---- + +ABSOLUTE +What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a +hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one +eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have a skin +like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew--she shall be all this, +sirrah!--yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to +write sonnets on her beauty. + +ABSOLUTE +This is reason and moderation indeed! + +Sir ANTHONY +None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes! + +ABSOLUTE +Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. + +Sir ANTHONY +'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll +grin when I am gone, sirrah! + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, I hope I know my duty better. + +Sir ANTHONY +None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please!--It +won't do with me, I promise you. + +ABSOLUTE +Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. + +Sir ANTHONY +'Tis a confounded lie!--I know you are in a passion in your heart; I +know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, sir, upon my word---- + +Sir ANTHONY +So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can +passion do?--Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, +overbearing reprobate!--There, you sneer again! don't provoke me!--but +you rely upon the mildness of my temper--you do, you dog! you play upon +the meekness of my disposition!--Yet take care--the patience of a saint +may be overcome at last!--but mark! I give you six hours and a half to +consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every +thing on earth that I choose, why--confound you! I may in time forgive +you.--If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't +dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an +atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; +I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you +shall live on the interest.--I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll +unget you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit.] + +ABSOLUTE +Mild, gentle, considerate father--I kiss your hands!--What a tender +method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare +not trust him with the truth.--I wonder what old wealthy hag it is that +he wants to bestow on me!--Yet he married himself for love! and was in +his youth a bold intriguer, and a gay companion! + +[Re-enter FAG.] + +FAG +Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs +eight or ten steps at a time--muttering, growling, and thumping the +banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the +door--rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me +carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area, +damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate!--Upon my credit, sir, were I in +your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should +certainly drop his acquaintance. + +ABSOLUTE +Cease your impertinence, sir, at present.--Did you come in for nothing +more?--Stand out of the way! [Pushes him aside, and exit.] + +FAG +So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his +father--then vents his spleen on poor Fag!--When one is vexed by one +person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the +way, is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper--the +basest---- + +[Enter BOY.] + +BOY +Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you. + +FAG +Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so!--The meanest +disposition! the---- + +BOY +Quick, quick, Mr. Fag! + +FAG +Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too? +you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred---- [Exit kicking and +beating him.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene II.--The North Parade. +[Enter LUCY.] + +LUCY +So--I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list--Captain +Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has +received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed!--Well, I have done +him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here +before him.--Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to +hear from his _dear Delia_, as he calls her: I wonder he's not +here!--I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I +should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, +and her own mistress. + +[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.] + +Sir LUCIUS +Ha! my little ambassadress--upon my conscience, I have been looking for +you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour. + +LUCY +[Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship +here on the North. + +Sir LUCIUS +Faith!--may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very +comical too, how you could go out and I not see you--for I was only +taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on +purpose that I might not miss you. + +LUCY +My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep. + +Sir LUCIUS +Sure enough it must have been so--and I never dreamt it was so late, +till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me? + +LUCY +Yes, but I have--I've got a letter for you in my pocket. + +Sir LUCIUS +O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed--Well--let me see what +the dear creature says. + +LUCY +There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.] + +Sir LUCIUS +[Reads.] _Sir--there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that +has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was +the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius +O'Trigger._--Very pretty, upon my word.--_Female punctuation forbids me +to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to +find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Delia._ +Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language. +Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary!--for the devil a word +dare refuse coming at her call--though one would think it was quite out +of hearing. + +LUCY +Ay, sir, a lady of her experience---- + +Sir LUCIUS +Experience! what, at seventeen? + +LUCY +O true, sir--but then she reads so--my stars! how she will read off +hand! + +Sir LUCIUS +Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way--though she is +rather an arbitrary writer too--for here are a great many poor words +pressed into the service of this note, that would get their _habeas +corpus_ from any court in Christendom. + +LUCY +Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you! + +Sir LUCIUS +Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady +O'Trigger into the bargain!--But we must get the old gentlewoman's +consent--and do every thing fairly. + +LUCY +Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice! + +Sir LUCIUS +Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it:--I am so poor, that I can't +afford to do a dirty action.--If I did not want money, I'd steal your +mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.--However, my +pretty girl, [Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a +ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to +this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses +her.] + +LUCY +O Lud! Sir Lucius--I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you +if you're so impudent. + +Sir LUCIUS +Faith she will, Lucy!--That same--pho! what's the name of +it?--modesty--is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than +liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a +kiss, tell her fifty--my dear. + +LUCY +What, would you have me tell her a lie? + +Sir LUCIUS +Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently. + +LUCY +For shame now! here is some one coming. + +Sir LUCIUS +Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Exit, humming a tune.] + +[Enter FAG.] + +FAG +So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon. + +LUCY +O Lud! now, Mr. Fag--you flurry one so. + +FAG +Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by--so a little less simplicity, with a +grain or two more sincerity, if you please.--You play false with us, +madam.--I saw you give the baronet a letter.--My master shall know +this--and if he don't call him out, I will. + +LUCY +Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty.--That letter was +from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.--She is taken with Sir Lucius's address. + +FAG +How! what tastes some people have!--Why, I suppose I have walked by her +window a hundred times.--But what says our young lady? any message to +my master? + +LUCY +Sad news. Mr. Fag.--A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has +proposed his son. + +FAG +What, Captain Absolute? + +LUCY +Even so--I overheard it all. + +FAG +Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this +news. + +LUCY +Well, you may laugh--but it is true, I assure you.--[Going.] But, Mr. +Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this. + +FAG +Oh, he'll be so disconsolate! + +LUCY +And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute. + +FAG +Never fear! never fear! + +LUCY +Be sure--bid him keep up his spirits. + +FAG +We will--we will. + +[Exeunt severally.] + + +* * * * * * * * * * * + + +ACT III + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene I--The North Parade. +[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +ABSOLUTE +'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father +wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away +with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too +summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my +recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed--but I +can assure him it is very sincere. So, so--here he comes. He looks +plaguy gruff. [Steps aside.] + +[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.] + +Sir ANTHONY +No--I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these +fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had +almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! +Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his +brothers and sisters!--for putting him, at twelve years old, into a +marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his +pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I +never will see him more, never--never--never. + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face. + +Sir ANTHONY +Fellow, get out of my way! + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, you see a penitent before you. + +Sir ANTHONY +I see an impudent scoundrel before me. + +ABSOLUTE +A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to +submit entirely to your will. + +Sir ANTHONY +What's that? + +ABSOLUTE +I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past +goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well, sir? + +ABSOLUTE +I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to +mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well, puppy? + +ABSOLUTE +Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is--a resolution to +sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction. + +Sir ANTHONY +Why now you talk sense--absolute sense--I never heard anything more +sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again. + +ABSOLUTE +I am happy in the appellation. + +Sir ANTHONY +Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really +is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented +my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare. +What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? + +ABSOLUTE +Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire? + +Sir ANTHONY +Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece, +Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last +ordered to your regiment? + +ABSOLUTE +Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names +before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish! +Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl? + +Sir ANTHONY +Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no. + +ABSOLUTE +Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. + +Sir ANTHONY +Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? + +ABSOLUTE +As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the +matter, 'tis all I desire. + +Sir ANTHONY +Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully +irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! +Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the +insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips +smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly +pouting; more lovely in sullenness! + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman. + +Sir ANTHONY +Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack! + +ABSOLUTE +And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt? + +Sir ANTHONY +Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your +age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt +indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have +touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire. + +ABSOLUTE +Not to please your father, sir? + +Sir ANTHONY +To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd +so!--yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another +matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack. + +ABSOLUTE +I dare say not, sir. + +Sir ANTHONY +But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful? + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. +Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you +please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, +one eye, and a few more graces of that kind--now, without being very +nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual +number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may +be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of +two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. + +Sir ANTHONY +What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite!--a vile, +insensible stock. You a soldier!--you're a walking block, fit only to +dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to +marry the girl myself! + +ABSOLUTE +I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing +Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or +if you should change your mind, and take the old lady--'tis the same to +me--I'll marry the niece. + +Sir ANTHONY +Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but, +come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm +sure it must--come, now--damn your demure face!--come, confess +Jack--you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the +hypocrite, hey!--I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and +playing the hypocrite. + +ABSOLUTE +I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be +so mistaken. + +Sir ANTHONY +Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note +to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall +be the Promethean torch to you--come along, I'll never forgive you, if +you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience--if you +don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself! + +[Exeunt.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene II--JULIA's Dressing-room. +[FAULKLAND discovered alone.] + +FAULKLAND +They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come! +How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my +cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point: +but on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love +beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madly capricious! I +am conscious of it--yet I cannot correct myself! What tender honest joy +sparkled in her eyes when we met! how delicate was the warmth of her +expression! I was ashamed to appear less happy--though I had come +resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's +presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied +that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming! +Yes!--I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient +Faulkland counts the moments of her stay. + +[Enter JULIA.] + +JULIA +I had not hoped to see you again so soon. + +FAULKLAND +Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome--restrained as we +were by the presence of a third person? + +JULIA +O Faulkland, when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not +think that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation. + +FAULKLAND +'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you--to see you in +such health. Sure I had no cause for coldness? + +JULIA +Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal +from me what it is. + +FAULKLAND +Well, then--shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of your health +and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped by his +dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire--on +your mirth--your singing--dancing, and I know not what! For such is my +temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in your +absence as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down the +cheek of parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there +till they meet again. + +JULIA +Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute +caprice? Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your breast +against my tried affections? + +FAULKLAND +They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no--I am happy if you have been +so--yet only say, that you did not sing with mirth--say that you +thought of Faulkland in the dance. + +JULIA +I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of +content, it is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's +truth. If I seemed sad, it were to make malice triumph; and say, that I +had fixed my heart on one, who left me to lament his roving, and my own +credulity. Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you, when I +say, that I have often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should +guess whose unkindness had caused my tears. + +FAULKLAND +You were ever all goodness to me. Oh, I am a brute, when I but admit a +doubt of your true constancy! + +JULIA +If ever without such cause from you, as I will not suppose possible, +you find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial +scoff for levity and base ingratitude. + +FAULKLAND +Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no title to +your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have +mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart. + +JULIA +For what quality must I love you? + +FAULKLAND +For no quality! To regard me for any quality of mind or understanding, +were only to esteem me. And for person--I have often wished myself +deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any part +of your affection. + +JULIA +Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a +man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this +vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never +asked my eyes if it were so or not. + +FAULKLAND +Now this is not well from you, Julia--I despise person in a man--yet if +you loved me as I wish, though I were an AEthiop, you'd think none so +fair. + +JULIA +I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my poor +father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege. + +FAULKLAND +Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed and justify my doubts. I would +not have been more free--no--I am proud of my restraint. +Yet--yet--perhaps your high respect alone for this solemn compact has +fettered your inclinations, which else had made a worthier choice. How +shall I be sure, had you remained unbound in thought and promise, that +I should still have been the object of your persevering love? + +JULIA +Then try me now. Let us be free as strangers as to what is past: my +heart will not feel more liberty! + +FAULKLAND +There now! so hasty, Julia! so anxious to be free! If your love for me +were fixed and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even though I +wished it! + +JULIA +Oh! you torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it. + +FAULKLAND +I do not mean to distress you. If I loved you less I should never give +you an uneasy moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubts arise from +this. Women are not used to weigh and separate the motives of their +affections: the cold dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial duty, +may sometimes be mistaken for the pleadings of the heart. I would not +boast--yet let me say, that I have neither age, person, nor character, +to found dislike on; my fortune such as few ladies could be charged +with indiscretion in the match. O Julia! when love receives such +countenance from prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth. + +JULIA +I know not whither your insinuations would tend:--but as they seem +pressing to insult me, I will spare you the regret of having done +so.--I have given you no cause for this! [Exit in tears.] + +FAULKLAND +In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for a moment.--The door is +fastened!--Julia!--my soul--but for one moment!--I hear her +sobbing!--'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use her thus! Yet +stay!--Ay--she is coming now:--how little resolution there is in a +woman!--how a few soft words can turn them!--No, faith!--she is not +coming either.--Why, Julia--my love--say but that you forgive me--come +but to tell me that--now this is being too resentful. Stay! she is +coming too--I thought she would--no steadiness in anything: her going +away must have been a mere trick then--she shan't see that I was hurt +by it.--I'll affect indifference--[Hums a tune; then listens.] +No--zounds! she's not coming!--nor don't intend it, I suppose.--This is +not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it.--What, after so long +an absence to quarrel with her tenderness!--'twas barbarous and +unmanly!--I should be ashamed to see her now.--I'll wait till her just +resentment is abated--and when I distress her so again, may I lose her +for ever! and be linked instead to some antique virago, whose gnawing +passions, and long hoarded spleen, shall make me curse my folly half +the day and all the night. [Exit.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene III--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. +[Mrs. MALAPROP, with a letter in her hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient +accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am +convinced you deserve the character here given of you. + +ABSOLUTE +Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure of +seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present +is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual +accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is +silent. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be +seated.--[They sit.] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value +the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge +becomes a gentlewoman!--Men have no sense now but for the worthless +flower of beauty! + +ABSOLUTE +It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;--yet I fear our ladies should share +the blame--they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge +in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show +fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom.--Few, +like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding.--He is the very pine-apple of +politeness!--You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has +somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, +eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows +anything of. + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, I have heard the silly affair before.--I'm not at all prejudiced +against her on that account. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done +everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my +positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again;--I +have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry +to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her. + +ABSOLUTE +It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree.--I thought she had +persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I +have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in +my pocket. + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Ay, here it is. + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.] + +ABSOLUTE +I think I have seen the hand before--yes, I certainly must have seen +this hand before---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Nay, but read it, captain. + +ABSOLUTE +[Reads.] _My soul's idol, my adored Lydia!_--Very tender, indeed! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Tender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience. + +ABSOLUTE +[Reads.] _I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the +more so as my new rival_---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +That's you, sir. + +ABSOLUTE +[Reads.] _Has universally the character of being an accomplished +gentleman and a man of honour._--Well, that's handsome enough. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so. + +ABSOLUTE +That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +But go on, sir--you'll see presently. + +ABSOLUTE +[Reads.] _As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you_--Who +can he mean by that? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Me, sir!--me!--he means me!--There--what do you think now?--but go on a +little further. + +ABSOLUTE +Impudent scoundrel!--[Reads.] _it shall go hard but I will elude her +vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes +her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard +words which she don't understand_---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that?--an +aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I +reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, +and a nice derangement of epitaphs! + +ABSOLUTE +He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see--[Reads.] _same +ridiculous vanity_---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You need not read it again, sir. + +ABSOLUTE +I beg pardon, ma'am.--[Reads.] _does also lay her open to the grossest +deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration_--an impudent +coxcomb!--_so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old +harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our +interview._--Was ever such assurance! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Did you ever hear anything like it?--he'll elude my vigilance, will +he--yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;--we'll try +who can plot best! + +ABSOLUTE +So we will, ma'am--so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha! +ha!--Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this +fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a +little time--let her even plot an elopement with him--then do you +connive at her escape--while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow +laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated! + +ABSOLUTE +But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now?--I should +like to try her temper a little. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Why, I don't know--I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this +kind. There is a decorum in these matters. + +ABSOLUTE +O Lord! she won't mind me--only tell her Beverley---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Sir! + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Gently, good tongue. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +What did you say of Beverley? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest, +that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough +then--ha! ha! ha! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow +tells her he'll get my consent to see her--ha! ha! Let him if he can, I +say again. Lydia, come down here!--[Calling.] He'll make me a +go-between in their interviews!--ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I +don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly +ridiculous. + +ABSOLUTE +'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who it +is--she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. And +I'll make her behave as becomes a young woman. + +ABSOLUTE +As you please, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing +yet, I see--elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit.] + +ABSOLUTE +Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at +once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice, +that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows +me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.] + +[Enter LYDIA.] + +LYDIA +What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more +dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a +stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who +have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of +his rival--suppose I were to try it--there stands the hated rival--an +officer too!--but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't +begin--truly he seems a very negligent wooer!--quite at his ease, upon +my word!--I'll speak first--Mr. Absolute. + +ABSOLUTE +Ma'am. [Turns round.] + +LYDIA +O heavens! Beverley! + +ABSOLUTE +Hush;--hush, my life! softly! be not surprised! + +LYDIA +I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed!--for Heaven's +sake! how came you here? + +ABSOLUTE +Briefly, I have deceived your aunt--I was informed that my new rival +was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, +have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute. + +LYDIA +O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, she's convinced of it. + +LYDIA +Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is +overreached! + +ABSOLUTE +But we trifle with our precious moments--such another opportunity may +not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to +fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and +with a licensed warmth plead for my reward. + +LYDIA +Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry +wealth?--that burden on the wings of love? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, come to me--rich only thus--in loveliness! Bring no portion to me +but thy love--'twill be generous in you, Lydia--for well you know, it +is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay. + +LYDIA +[Aside.] How persuasive are his words!--how charming will poverty be +with him! + +ABSOLUTE +Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and +support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all +worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of +calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding +gloom of adversity shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly +bright. By Heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a +prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my +bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here--[Embracing +her.] [Aside.] If she holds out now, the devil is in it! + +LYDIA +[Aside.] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution +is not yet come to a crisis. + +[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +[Aside.] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself. + +ABSOLUTE +So pensive, Lydia!--is then your warmth abated? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +[Aside.] Warmth abated!--so!--she has been in a passion, I suppose. + +LYDIA +No--nor ever can while I have life. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +[Aside.] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her +life--will she? + +LYDIA +Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any +weight with me. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +[Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word! + +LYDIA +Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +[Aside.] I am astonished at her assurance!--to his face--this is to +his face! + +ABSOLUTE +Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +[Aside.] Ay, poor young man!--down on his knees entreating for +pity!--I can contain no longer.--[Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen!--I +have overheard you. + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking +rudeness. + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] So all's safe, I find.--[Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that +time will bring the young lady---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as headstrong as an +allegory on the banks of Nile. + +LYDIA +Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Why, thou unblushing rebel--didn't you tell this gentleman to his face +that you loved another better?--didn't you say you never would be his? + +LYDIA +No, madam--I did not. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Good heavens! what assurance!--Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that +lying don't become a young woman!--Didn't you boast that Beverley, that +stroller Beverley, possessed your heart?--Tell me that, I say. + +LYDIA +'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Hold!--hold, Assurance!--you shall not be so rude. + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's +very welcome to talk thus--it does not hurt me in the least, I assure +you. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You are too good, captain--too amiably patient--but come with me, +miss.--Let us see you again soon, captain--remember what we have fixed. + +ABSOLUTE +I shall, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman. + +LYDIA +May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev---- + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!--come along--come along. + +[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA--Mrs. +MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene IV--ACRES' Lodgings. +[ACRES, as just dressed, and DAVID.] + +ACRES +Indeed, David--do you think I become it so? + +DAVID +You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an' +we've any luck we shall see the Devon mon kerony in all the print-shops +in Bath! + +ACRES +Dress does make a difference, David. + +DAVID +'Tis all in all, I think.--Difference! why, an' you were to go now to +Clod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler +wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve +me! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly +Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.--Oons! +I'll hold a gallon, there ain't a dog in the house but would bark, and +I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail! + +ACRES +Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing. + +DAVID +So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me! + +ACRES +But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, +and chasing, and boring. + +DAVID +I'll call again, sir. + +ACRES +Do--and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office. + +DAVID +I will.--By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!--if I hadn't +been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the +dish again myself! [Exit.] + +ACRES +[Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide--coupee.--Confound the first +inventors of cotillions! say I--they are as bad as algebra to us country +gentlemen--I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced!--and I +have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.--Odds jigs and +tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple--figure in--right and +left--and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county!--but these +outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me!--I +shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure--mine are true-born English +legs--they don't understand their curst French lingo!--their _pas_ +this, and _pas_ that, and _pas_ t'other!--damn me! my feet don't like +to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican toes! + +[Enter SERVANT.] + +SERVANT +Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir. + +ACRES +Show him in. + +[Exit SERVANT.] + +[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.] + +Sir LUCIUS +Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you. + +ACRES +My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath? + +ACRES +Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a +quagmire at last.--In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.--I +don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used +gentleman. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pray what is the case?--I ask no names. + +ACRES +Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young +lady--her friends take my part--I follow her to Bath--send word of my +arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed +of.--This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used. + +Sir LUCIUS +Very ill, upon my conscience.--Pray, can you divine the cause of it? + +ACRES +Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am +told, is now in Bath.--Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom +of it. + +Sir LUCIUS +A rival in the case, is there?--and you think he has supplanted you +unfairly? + +ACRES +Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly. + +Sir LUCIUS +Then sure you know what is to be done! + +ACRES +Not I, upon my soul! + +Sir LUCIUS +We wear no swords here, but you understand me. + +ACRES +What! fight him! + +Sir LUCIUS +Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else? + +ACRES +But he has given me no provocation. + +Sir LUCIUS +Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. +Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in +love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable +breach of friendship. + +ACRES +Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. +I never saw him in my life. + +Sir LUCIUS +That's no argument at all--he has the less right then to take such a +liberty. + +ACRES +Gad, that's true--I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!--I fire apace! Odds +hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and +not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side? + +Sir LUCIUS +What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you +think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where +the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left +the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it. + +ACRES +Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must +be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were--a +kind of courage, as I may say.--Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll +challenge him directly. + +Sir LUCIUS +Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you +a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new +room; every one of whom had killed his man!--For though the +mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank +heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever. + +ACRES +O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!--every man of 'em colonel or +captain in the militia!--Odds balls and barrels! say no more--I'm +braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human +kindness in my breast;--Zounds! as the man in the play says, _I could +do such deeds!_ + +Sir LUCIUS +Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case--these things +should always be done civilly. + +ACRES +I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius--I must be in a rage.--Dear Sir +Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and +paper.--[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red!--Indite, I say, +indite!--How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good +bold hand, however. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pray compose yourself. + +ACRES +Come--now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin +with a damme. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now--_Sir +----_ + +ACRES +That's too civil by half. + +Sir LUCIUS +_To prevent the confusion that might arise----_ + +ACRES +Well---- + +Sir LUCIUS +_From our both addressing the same lady----_ + +ACRES +Ay, there's the reason--_same_ lady--well---- + +Sir LUCIUS +_I shall expect the honour of your company----_ + +ACRES +Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pray be easy. + +ACRES +Well, then, _honour of your company----_ + +Sir LUCIUS +_To settle our pretensions----_ + +ACRES +Well. + +Sir LUCIUS +Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do--_in King's-Mead-Fields._ + +ACRES +So, that's done--Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest--a hand +and dagger shall be the seal. + +Sir LUCIUS +You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all +confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you. + +ACRES +Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding. + +Sir LUCIUS +Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.--Take my advice, and you'll +decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, +'twill be off your mind to-morrow. + +ACRES +Very true. + +Sir LUCIUS +So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the +evening.--I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to +tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on +my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, +at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the +gentleman, to call him out. + +ACRES +By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should +like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson. + +Sir LUCIUS +I shall be very proud of instructing you.--Well for the present--but +remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild +and agreeable manner.--Let your courage be as keen, but at the same +time as polished, as your sword. + +[Exeunt severally.] + + +* * * * * * * * * * * + + +ACT IV + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene I--ACRES' Lodgings. +[ACRES and DAVID.] + +DAVID +Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing--ne'er a Sir Lucius +O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded. +Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't? + +ACRES +Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!--Odds sparks and flames! he +would have roused your valour. + +DAVID +Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, +if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should +never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and +snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em. + +ACRES +But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour. + +DAVID +Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in +return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me. + +ACRES +Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour! + +DAVID +I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a +gentleman.--Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous +false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.--Put the case, I +was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well--my +honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my +acquaintance.--So--we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh!--I kill +him--(the more's my luck!) now, pray who gets the profit of it?--Why, +my honour. But put the case that he kills me!--by the mass! I go to the +worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy. + +ACRES +No, David--in that case!--odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows +you to the grave. + +DAVID +Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it. + +ACRES +Zounds! David, you are a coward!--It doesn't become my valour to listen +to you.--What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?--Think of that, +David--think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors! + +DAVID +Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long +as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in +such haste--with an ounce of lead in your brains--I should think might +as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but +they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting +acquaintance with. + +ACRES +But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great +danger, hey?--Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done! + +DAVID +By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!--Oons! here to meet +some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled +swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols!--Lord bless us! it makes me tremble +to think o't--Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I +never could abide 'em!--from a child I never could fancy 'em!--I +suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your +loaded pistol! + +ACRES +Zounds! I won't be afraid!--Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me +afraid.--Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack +Absolute to carry it for me. + +DAVID +Ay, i' the name of mischief, let him be the messenger.--For my part I +wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the +mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a +designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of +gunpowder like a soldier's pouch!--Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go +off! + +ACRES +Out, you poltroon! you ha'n't the valour of a grasshopper. + +DAVID +Well, I say no more--'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but +I ha' done.--How Phillis will howl when she hears of it!--Ay, poor +bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I +warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these +ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.] + +ACRES +It won't do, David--I am determined to fight--so get along you coward, +while I'm in the mind. + +[Enter SERVANT.] + +SERVANT +Captain Absolute, sir. + +ACRES +Oh! show him up. + +[Exit SERVANT.] + +DAVID +Well, Heaven send we be all alive this time to-morrow. + +ACRES +What's that?--Don't provoke me, David! + +DAVID +Good-bye, master. [Whimpering.] + +ACRES +Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven! + +[Exit DAVID.] + +[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +ABSOLUTE +What's the matter, Bob? + +ACRES +A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George +and the dragon to boot---- + +ABSOLUTE +But what did you want with me, Bob? + +ACRES +Oh!--There---- [Gives him the challenge.] + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] To Ensign Beverley.--So, what's going on now?--[Aloud.] Well, +what's this? + +ACRES +A challenge! + +ABSOLUTE +Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob? + +ACRES +Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me +full of rage--and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion +mayn't be wasted. + +ABSOLUTE +But what have I to do with this? + +ACRES +Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find +him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it. + +ACRES +Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great +deal of trouble. + +ABSOLUTE +Not in the least--I beg you won't mention it.--No trouble in the world, +I assure you. + +ACRES +You are very kind.--What it is to have a friend!--You couldn't be my +second, could you, Jack? + +ABSOLUTE +Why no, Bob--not in this affair--it would not be quite so proper. + +ACRES +Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good +wishes, however, Jack? + +ABSOLUTE +Whenever he meets you, believe me. + +[Re-enter SERVANT.] + +SERVANT +Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain. + +ABSOLUTE +I'll come instantly.---- + +[Exit SERVANT.] + +Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going.] + +ACRES +----Stay--stay, Jack.--If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man +your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow--will you, +Jack? + +ABSOLUTE +To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog--hey, Bob! + +ACRES +Ah, do, do--and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So +tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack? + +ABSOLUTE +I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob. + +ACRES +Right--right--'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take +his life if I clear my honour. + +ABSOLUTE +No!--that's very kind of you. + +ACRES +Why, you don't wish me to kill him--do you, Jack? + +ABSOLUTE +No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.] + +ACRES +True, true--but stay--stay, Jack--you may add, that you never saw me in +such a rage before--a most devouring rage! + +ABSOLUTE +I will, I will. + +ACRES +Remember, Jack--a determined dog! + +ABSOLUTE +Ay, ay, Fighting Bob! + +[Exeunt severally.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene II--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. +[Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Why, thou perverse one!--tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a +handsome man?--tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man? + +LYDIA +[Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising!--[Aloud.] So is +Beverley, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young +woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman! + +LYDIA +[Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity, and adulation!--and has +so much to say for himself:--in such good language, too! His +physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, +when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:-- + "Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself!-- + An eye, like March, to threaten at command!-- + A station, like Harry Mercury, new----" +Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me +directly. + +LYDIA +[Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her +mistake! + +[Enter SERVANT.] + +SERVANT +Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Show them up here.---- + +[Exit SERVANT.] + +Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show +your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty. + +LYDIA +Madam, I have told you my resolution!--I shall not only give him no +encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings +herself into a chair, with her face from the door.] + +[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +Sir ANTHONY +Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting +beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow.--I don't +know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have +given me the slip. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for +the cause!--[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!--pay +your respects! + +Sir ANTHONY +I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this +gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my +alliance.--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her. + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] What the devil shall I do!--[Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, +sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she +wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! +[Seems to expostulate with his father.] + +LYDIA +[Aside.] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't +have looked at him!--perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is +something blind. + +Sir ANTHONY +I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very +small.--[Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you! + +Sir ANTHONY +May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of +dislike she can have to my son!--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why don't +you begin, Jack?--Speak, you puppy--speak! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she +has.--[Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer? + +Sir ANTHONY +Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no +bar to Jack's happiness.--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah! +why don't you speak? + +LYDIA +[Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as +myself.--How strangely blind my aunt must be! + +ABSOLUTE +Hem! hem! madam--hem!--[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir +ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded!--and--so--so--confused!--I +told you I should be so, sir--I knew it.--The--the--tremor of my +passion entirely takes away my presence of mind. + +Sir ANTHONY +But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?--Go up, and speak to +her directly! + +[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?--[Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you +stubborn little vixen! + +Sir ANTHONY +Not yet, ma'am, not yet!--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil +are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or---- + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!--I must +disguise my voice.--[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse +tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true +love? Will not---- + +Sir ANTHONY +What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?--not stand +croaking like a frog in a quinsy! + +ABSOLUTE +The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my--my modesty, quite choke me! + +Sir ANTHONY +Ah! your modesty again!--I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak +out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage!--Mrs. +Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a +side-front. + +[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.] + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] So all will out, I see!--[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be +not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present. + +LYDIA +[Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on +Sir Anthony too!--[Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this +possible!--my Beverley!--how can this be?--my Beverley? + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over. + +Sir ANTHONY +Beverley!--the devil--Beverley!--What can the girl mean?--this is my +son, Jack Absolute. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you +have him always in your eyes!--beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly. + +LYDIA +I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley! + +Sir ANTHONY +Zounds! the girl's mad!--her brain's turned by reading. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O' my conscience, I believe so!--What do you mean by Beverley, +hussy?--You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is--your +husband that shall be. + +LYDIA +With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!--or has this fellow been playing us a +rogue's trick!--Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you? + +ABSOLUTE +Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to +recollect. + +Sir ANTHONY +Are you my son or not?--answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't +for me. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect!---- + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me!--[Aloud.] Sir Anthony, +most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe +myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown.--Mrs. +Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add +affectionate nephew.--I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her +faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, +assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most +disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated +character. + +LYDIA +[Sullenly.] So!--there will be no elopement after all! + +Sir ANTHONY +Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice, +I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance! + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, you flatter me, sir--you compliment--'tis my modesty, you know, +sir,--my modesty that has stood in my way. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended +to be, however!--I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you +dog--I am. So this was your _penitence_, your _duty_ and +_obedience!_--I thought it was damned sudden!--_You never heard their +names before_, not you!--_what, the Languishes of Worcestershire_, +hey?--_if you could please me in the affair it was all you +desired!_--Ah! you dissembling villain!--What!--[Pointing to Lydia] +_She squints, don't she?--a little red-haired girl!_--hey?--Why, you +hypocritical young rascal!--I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your +head! + +ABSOLUTE +'Tis with difficulty, sir.--I am confused--very much confused, as you +must perceive. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O Lud! Sir Anthony!--a new light breaks in upon me!--hey!--how! what! +captain, did you write the letters then?--What--am I to thank you for +the elegant compilation of _an old weather-beaten she-dragon_--hey!--O +mercy!--was it you that reflected on my parts of speech? + +ABSOLUTE +Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist +me--I shall certainly not be able to stand it! + +Sir ANTHONY +Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;--odds life! +matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find +in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the +past!--so mind, young people--our retrospection will be all to the +future. + +Sir ANTHONY +Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into +each other's arms, I warrant!--Jack--isn't the cheek as I said, hey?-- +and the eye, you rogue!--and the lip--hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll +not disturb their tenderness--theirs is the time of life for +happiness!--_Youth's the season made for joy_--[Sings.]--hey!--Odds +life! I'm in such spirits,--I don't know what I could not do!--Permit +me, ma'am--[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol--'gad, I +should like to have a little fooling myself--Tol-de-rol! de-rol. + +[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP.--LYDIA sits sullenly in her +chair.] + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good.--[Aloud.] So grave, Lydia! + +LYDIA +Sir! + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] So!--egad! I thought as much!--that damned monosyllable has +froze me!--[Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our +friends' consent, as in our mutual vows---- + +LYDIA +[Peevishly.] Friends' consent indeed! + +ABSOLUTE +Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance--a little wealth and +comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers +shall make such settlements as---- + +LYDIA +Lawyers! I hate lawyers! + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly +procure the licence, and---- + +LYDIA +The licence!--I hate licence! + +ABSOLUTE +Oh my love! be not so unkind!--thus let me entreat---- [Kneeling.] + +LYDIA +Psha!--what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you? + +ABSOLUTE +[Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your +inclinations, I promise you.--If I have lost your heart--I resign the +rest--[Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do. + +LYDIA +[Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was +acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of +fraud.--What, you have been treating me like a child!--humouring my +romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success! + +ABSOLUTE +You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me--only hear---- + +LYDIA +So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and +flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all--behold my +hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and +approbation--and I am myself the only dupe at last!--[Walking about in +a heat.] But here, sir, here is the picture--Beverley's picture! +[taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day, +in spite of threats and entreaties!--There, sir [Flings it to him.]; +and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily. + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that.--Here [taking out a +picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish.--What a difference!--ay, there +is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my +hopes!--those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in +Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have +checked the ardour of my thanks!--Well, all that's past!--all over +indeed!--There, madam--in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in +my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is +such--that--I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up +again.] + +LYDIA +[Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir--I, I, I suppose you are +perfectly satisfied. + +ABSOLUTE +O, most certainly--sure, now, this is much better than being in +love!--ha! ha! ha!--there's some spirit in this!--What signifies +breaking some scores of solemn promises:--all that's of no consequence, +you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own +mind--but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough +to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her--but +don't let that fret you. + +LYDIA +There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.] + +[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile. + +LYDIA +This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate! +[Sobbing.] + +Sir ANTHONY +What the devil's the matter now?--Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the +oddest billing and cooing I ever heard!--but what the deuce is the +meaning of it?--I am quite astonished! + +ABSOLUTE +Ask the lady, sir. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O mercy!--I'm quite analyzed, for my part!--Why, Lydia, what is the +reason of this? + +LYDIA +Ask the gentleman, ma'am. + +Sir ANTHONY +Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy!--Why, Jack, you are not come out to be +any one else, are you? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there?--you are not like Cerberus, +three gentlemen at once, are you? + +ABSOLUTE +You'll not let me speak--I say the lady can account for this much much +better than I can. + +LYDIA +Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again--there is +the man--I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for +ever. [Exit.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is--why, sure, captain, you +haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece. + +Sir ANTHONY +Ha! ha! ha!--ha! ha! ha!--now I see it. Ha! ha! ha!--now I see it--you +have been too lively, Jack. + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, sir, upon my word---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Come, no lying, Jack--I'm sure 'twas so. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O Lud! Sir Anthony!--O fy, captain! + +ABSOLUTE +Upon my soul, ma'am---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before +you:--the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient.--Ha! ha! ha! +poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have. + +ABSOLUTE +By all that's good, sir---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Zounds! say no more, I tell you--Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace. +You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:--you must tell her 'tis Jack's +way--tell her 'tis all our ways--it runs in the blood of our family! +Come away, Jack--Ha! ha! ha!--Mrs. Malaprop--a young villain! [Pushing +him out.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O! Sir Anthony!--O fy, captain! + +[Exeunt severally.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene III--The North Parade. +[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.] + +Sir LUCIUS +I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience! +these officers are always in one's way in love affairs:--I remember I +might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a +little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a +sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to +be so fond of them--unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em, +that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of +red cloth. Ha! isn't this the captain coming?--faith it is!--There is a +probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking! +Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside.] + +[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +ABSOLUTE +[Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for +all my schemes, upon my soul!--a little gipsy!--I did not think her +romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never +was in a worse humour in my life!--I could cut my own throat, or any +other person's, with the greatest pleasure in the world! + +Sir LUCIUS +Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a +sweeter temper for my purpose--to be sure I'm just come in the nick! +Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel +genteelly.--[Goes up to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter, +captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you. + +ABSOLUTE +Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant:--because, sir, +I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all. + +Sir LUCIUS +That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an +untruth as well as speak one. + +ABSOLUTE +Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think +they might stand a chance of escaping controversy. + +Sir LUCIUS +Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same +thing. + +ABSOLUTE +Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman, +upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for +what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot +conceive! + +Sir LUCIUS +I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your +apprehension.--[Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at. + +ABSOLUTE +Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations.--But I +should be glad you would please to explain your motives. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it stands; +we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your memory +is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you passed on me +within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let it +be this evening--here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be +interrupted. + +Sir LUCIUS +Faith! that same interruption in affairs of this nature shows very +great ill-breeding. I don't know what's the reason, but in England if a +thing of this kind gets wind, people make such a pother, that a +gentleman can never fight in peace and quietness. However, if it's the +same to you, captain, I should take it as a particular kindness if +you'd let us meet in King's-Mead-Fields, as a little business will call +me there about six o'clock, and I may despatch both matters at once. + +ABSOLUTE +'Tis the same to me exactly. A little after six, then, we will discuss +this matter more seriously. + +Sir LUCIUS +If you please, sir; there will be very pretty small-sword light, though +it won't do for a long shot. So that matter's settled, and my mind's at +ease! [Exit.] + +[Enter FAULKLAND.] + +ABSOLUTE +Well met! I was going to look for you. O Faulkland! all the demons of +spite and disappointment have conspired against me! I'm so vex'd, that +if I had not the prospect of a resource in being knocked o' the head +by-and-by, I should scarce have spirits to tell you the cause. + +FAULKLAND +What can you mean?--Has Lydia changed her mind?--I should have thought +her duty and inclination would now have pointed to the same object. + +ABSOLUTE +Ay, just as the eyes do of a person who squints: when her love-eye was +fixed on me, t'other, her eye of duty, was finely obliqued: but when +duty bid her point that the same way, off t'other turned on a swivel, +and secured its retreat with a frown! + +FAULKLAND +But what's the resource you---- + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, to wind up the whole, a good-natured Irishman here has--[Mimicking +Sir LUCIUS] begged leave to have the pleasure of cutting my throat; and +I mean to indulge him--that's all. + +FAULKLAND +Prithee, be serious! + +ABSOLUTE +'Tis fact, upon my soul! Sir Lucius O'Trigger--you know him by +sight--for some affront, which I am sure I never intended, has obliged +me to meet him this evening at six o'clock: 'tis on that account I +wished to see you; you must go with me. + +FAULKLAND +Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain +himself, and I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening +did you say? I wish it had been any other time. + +ABSOLUTE +Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) be +very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot. +Confound his long shots. + +FAULKLAND +But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had with +Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, that +I shall not be myself till we are reconciled. + +ABSOLUTE +By heavens! Faulkland, you don't deserve her! + +[Enter SERVANT, gives FAULKLAND a letter, and exit.] + +FAULKLAND +Oh, Jack! this is from Julia. I dread to open it! I fear it may be to +take a last leave!--perhaps to bid me return her letters, and +restore--Oh, how I suffer for my folly! + +ABSOLUTE +Here, let me see.--[Takes the letter and opens it.] Ay, a final +sentence, indeed!--'tis all over with you, faith! + +FAULKLAND +Nay, Jack, don't keep me in suspense! + +ABSOLUTE +Here then--[Reads.] _As I am convinced that my dear Faulkland's own +reflections have already upbraided him for his last unkindness to me, I +will not add a word on the subject. I wish to speak with you as soon as +possible. Yours ever and truly,_ Julia. There's stubbornness and +resentment for you!--[Gives him the letter.] Why, man, you don't seem +one whit the happier at this! + +FAULKLAND +O yes, I am; but--but---- + +ABSOLUTE +Confound your buts! you never hear any thing that would make another +man bless himself, but you immediately damn it with a but! + +FAULKLAND +Now, Jack, as you are my friend, own honestly--don't you think there is +something forward, something indelicate, in this haste to forgive? +Women should never sue for reconciliation: that should always come from +us. They should retain their coldness till wooed to kindness; and their +pardon, like their love, should "not unsought be won." + +ABSOLUTE +I have not patience to listen to you! thou'rt incorrigible! so say no +more on the subject. I must go to settle a few matters. Let me see you +before six, remember, at my lodgings. A poor industrious devil like me, +who have toiled, and drudged, and plotted to gain my ends, and am at +last disappointed by other people's folly, may in pity be allowed to +swear and grumble a little; but a captious sceptic in love, a slave to +fretfulness and whim, who has no difficulties but of his own creating, +is a subject more fit for ridicule than compassion! [Exit.] + +FAULKLAND +I feel his reproaches; yet I would not change this too exquisite nicety +for the gross content with which he tramples on the thorns of love! His +engaging me in this duel has started an idea in my head, which I will +instantly pursue. I'll use it as the touchstone of Julia's sincerity +and disinterestedness. If her love prove pure and sterling ore, my name +will rest on it with honour; and once I've stamped it there, I lay +aside my doubts for ever! But if the dross of selfishness, the alloy of +pride, predominate, 'twill be best to leave her as a toy for some less +cautious fool to sigh for! [Exit.] + + +* * * * * * * * * * * + + +ACT V + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene I--JULIA's Dressing-Room. +[JULIA discovered alone.] + +JULIA +How this message has alarmed me! what dreadful accident can he mean? +why such charge to be alone?--O Faulkland!--how many unhappy +moments--how many tears have you cost me. + +[Enter FAULKLAND.] + +JULIA +What means this?--why this caution, Faulkland? + +FAULKLAND +Alas! Julia, I am come to take a long farewell. + +JULIA +Heavens! what do you mean? + +FAULKLAND +You see before you a wretch, whose life is forfeited. Nay, start +not!--the infirmity of my temper has drawn all this misery on me. I +left you fretful and passionate--an untoward accident drew me into a +quarrel--the event is, that I must fly this kingdom instantly. O Julia, +had I been so fortunate as to have called you mine entirely, before +this mischance had fallen on me, I should not so deeply dread my +banishment! + +JULIA +My soul is oppressed with sorrow at the nature of your misfortune: had +these adverse circumstances arisen from a less fatal cause, I should +have felt strong comfort in the thought that I could now chase from +your bosom every doubt of the warm sincerity of my love. My heart has +long known no other guardian--I now entrust my person to your +honour--we will fly together. When safe from pursuit, my father's will +may be fulfilled--and I receive a legal claim to be the partner of your +sorrows, and tenderest comforter. Then on the bosom of your wedded +Julia, you may lull your keen regret to slumbering; while virtuous +love, with a cherub's hand, shall smooth the brow of upbraiding +thought, and pluck the thorn from compunction. + +FAULKLAND +O Julia! I am bankrupt in gratitude! but the time is so pressing, it +calls on you for so hasty a resolution.--Would you not wish some hours +to weigh the advantages you forego, and what little compensation poor +Faulkland can make you beside his solitary love? + +JULIA +I ask not a moment. No, Faulkland, I have loved you for yourself: and +if I now, more than ever, prize the solemn engagement which so long has +pledged us to each other, it is because it leaves no room for hard +aspersions on my fame, and puts the seal of duty to an act of love. But +let us not linger. Perhaps this delay---- + +FAULKLAND +'Twill be better I should not venture out again till dark. Yet am I +grieved to think what numberless distresses will press heavy on your +gentle disposition! + +JULIA +Perhaps your fortune may be forfeited by this unhappy act.--I know not +whether 'tis so; but sure that alone can never make us unhappy. The +little I have will be sufficient to support us; and exile never should +be splendid. + +FAULKLAND +Ay, but in such an abject state of life, my wounded pride perhaps may +increase the natural fretfulness of my temper, till I become a rude, +morose companion, beyond your patience to endure. Perhaps the +recollection of a deed my conscience cannot justify may haunt me in +such gloomy and unsocial fits, that I shall hate the tenderness that +would relieve me, break from your arms, and quarrel with your fondness! + +JULIA +If your thoughts should assume so unhappy a bent, you will the more +want some mild and affectionate spirit to watch over and console you: +one who, by bearing your infirmities with gentleness and resignation, +may teach you so to bear the evils of your fortune. + +FAULKLAND +Julia, I have proved you to the quick! and with this useless device I +throw away all my doubts. How shall I plead to be forgiven this last +unworthy effect of my restless, unsatisfied disposition? + +JULIA +Has no such disaster happened as you related? + +FAULKLAND +I am ashamed to own that it was pretended; yet in pity, Julia, do not +kill me with resenting a fault which never can be repeated: but +sealing, this once, my pardon, let me to-morrow, in the face of Heaven, +receive my future guide and monitress, and expiate my past folly by +years of tender adoration. + +JULIA +Hold, Faulkland!--that you are free from a crime, which I before feared +to name, Heaven knows how sincerely I rejoice! These are tears of +thankfulness for that! But that your cruel doubts should have urged you +to an imposition that has wrung my heart, gives me now a pang more keen +than I can express! + +FAULKLAND +By Heavens! Julia---- + +JULIA +Yet hear me,--My father loved you, Faulkland! and you preserved the +life that tender parent gave me; in his presence I pledged my +hand--joyfully pledged it--where before I had given my heart. When, +soon after, I lost that parent, it seemed to me that Providence had, in +Faulkland, shown me whither to transfer without a pause, my grateful +duty, as well as my affection; hence I have been content to bear from +you what pride and delicacy would have forbid me from another. I will +not upbraid you, by repeating how you have trifled with my sincerity +---- + +FAULKLAND +I confess it all! yet hear---- + +JULIA +After such a year of trial, I might have flattered myself that I should +not have been insulted with a new probation of my sincerity, as cruel +as unnecessary! I now see it is not in your nature to be content or +confident in love. With this conviction--I never will be yours. While I +had hopes that my persevering attention, and unreproaching kindness, +might in time reform your temper, I should have been happy to have +gained a dearer influence over you; but I will not furnish you with a +licensed power to keep alive an incorrigible fault, at the expense of +one who never would contend with you. + +FAULKLAND +Nay, but, Julia, by my soul and honour, if after this---- + +JULIA +But one word more.--As my faith has once been given to you, I never +will barter it with another.--I shall pray for your happiness with the +truest sincerity; and the dearest blessing I can ask of Heaven to send +you will be to charm you from that unhappy temper, which alone has +prevented the performance of our solemn engagement. All I request of +you is, that you will yourself reflect upon this infirmity, and when +you number up the many true delights it has deprived you of, let it not +be your least regret, that it lost you the love of one who would have +followed you in beggary through the world! [Exit.] + +FAULKLAND +She's gone--for ever!--There was an awful resolution in her manner, +that riveted me to my place.--O fool!--dolt!--barbarian! Cursed as I +am, with more imperfections than my fellow wretches, kind Fortune sent +a heaven-gifted cherub to my aid, and, like a ruffian, I have driven +her from my side!--I must now haste to my appointment. Well, my mind is +tuned for such a scene. I shall wish only to become a principal in it, +and reverse the tale my cursed folly put me upon forging here.--O +Love!--tormentor!--fiend!--whose influence, like the moon's, acting on +men of dull souls, makes idiots of them, but meeting subtler spirits, +betrays their course, and urges sensibility to madness! [Exit.] + +[Enter LYDIA and MAID.] + +MAID +My mistress, ma'am, I know, was here just now--perhaps she is only in +the next room. [Exit.] + +LYDIA +Heigh-ho! Though he has used me so, this fellow runs strangely in my +head. I believe one lecture from my grave cousin will make me recall +him. + +[Re-enter JULIA.] + +O Julia, I am come to you with such an appetite for consolation.--Lud! +child, what's the matter with you? You have been crying!--I'll be +hanged if that Faulkland has not been tormenting you. + +JULIA +You mistake the cause of my uneasiness!--Something has flurried me a +little. Nothing that you can guess at.--[Aside.] I would not accuse +Faulkland to a sister! + +LYDIA +Ah! whatever vexations you may have, I can assure you mine surpass +them. You know who Beverley proves to be? + +JULIA +I will now own to you, Lydia, that Mr. Faulkland had before informed me +of the whole affair. Had young Absolute been the person you took him +for, I should not have accepted your confidence on the subject, without +a serious endeavour to counteract your caprice. + +LYDIA +So, then, I see I have been deceived by every one! But I don't +care--I'll never have him. + +JULIA +Nay, Lydia---- + +LYDIA +Why, is it not provoking? when I thought we were coming to the +prettiest distress imaginable, to find myself made a mere Smithfield +bargain of at last! There, had I projected one of the most sentimental +elopements!--so becoming a disguise!--so amiable a ladder of +ropes!--Conscious moon--four horses--Scotch parson--with such surprise +to Mrs. Malaprop--and such paragraphs in the newspapers!--Oh, I shall +die with disappointment! + +JULIA +I don't wonder at it! + +LYDIA +Now--sad reverse!--what have I to expect, but, after a deal of flimsy +preparation with a bishop's license, and my aunt's blessing, to go +simpering up to the altar; or perhaps be cried three times in a country +church, and have an unmannerly fat clerk ask the consent of every +butcher in the parish to join John Absolute and Lydia Languish, +spinster! Oh that I should live to hear myself called spinster! + +JULIA +Melancholy indeed! + +LYDIA +How mortifying, to remember the dear delicious shifts I used to be put +to, to gain half a minute's conversation with this fellow! How often +have I stole forth, in the coldest night in January, and found him in +the garden, stuck like a dripping statue! There would he kneel to me in +the snow, and sneeze and cough so pathetically! he shivering with cold +and I with apprehension! and while the freezing blast numbed our +joints, how warmly would he press me to pity his flame, and glow with +mutual ardour!--Ah, Julia, that was something like being in love. + +JULIA +If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing +heartily at you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at +present, earnestly to entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with +sincerity, suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too +well caprice can inflict. + +LYDIA +O Lud! what has brought my aunt here? + +[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, FAG, and DAVID.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +So! so! here's fine work!--here's fine suicide, parricide, and +simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to +prevent the antistrophe! + +JULIA +For Heaven's sake, madam, what's the meaning of this? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +That gentleman can tell you--'twas he enveloped the affair to me. + +LYDIA +[To FAG.] Do, sir, will you, inform us? + +FAG +Ma'am, I should hold myself very deficient in every requisite that +forms the man of breeding, if I delayed a moment to give all the +information in my power to a lady so deeply interested in the affair as +you are. + +LYDIA +But quick! quick sir! + +FAG +True, ma'am, as you say, one should be quick in divulging matters of +this nature; for should we be tedious, perhaps while we are flourishing +on the subject, two or three lives may be lost! + +LYDIA +O patience!--Do, ma'am, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the matter? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's the +matter!--but he can tell you the perpendiculars. + +LYDIA +Then, prithee, sir, be brief. + +FAG +Why, then, ma'am, as to murder--I cannot take upon me to say--and as to +slaughter, or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it. + +LYDIA +But who, sir--who are engaged in this? + +FAG +Faith, ma'am, one is a young gentleman whom I should be very sorry any +thing was to happen to--a very pretty behaved gentleman! We have lived +much together, and always on terms. + +LYDIA +But who is this? who! who! who? + +FAG +My master, ma'am--my master--I speak of my master. + +LYDIA +Heavens! What, Captain Absolute! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Oh, to be sure, you are frightened now! + +JULIA +But who are with him, sir? + +FAG +As to the rest, ma'am, this gentleman can inform you better than I. + +JULIA +[To DAVID.] Do speak, friend. + +DAVID +Look'ee, my lady--by the mass! there's mischief going on. Folks don't +use to meet for amusement with firearms, firelocks, fire-engines, +fire-screens, fire-office, and the devil knows what other crackers +beside!--This, my lady, I say, has an angry savour. + +JULIA +But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend? + +DAVID +My poor master--under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my +lady--I am David--and my master of course is, or was, Squire Acres. +Then comes Squire Faulkland. + +JULIA +Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O fy! it would be very inelegant in us:--we should only participate +things. + +DAVID +Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives--they are desperately given, +believe me.--Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir +Lucius O'Trigger. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir +Lucius into the scrape?--Why how you stand, girl! you have no more +feeling than one of the Derbyshire petrifactions! + +LYDIA +What are we to do, madam? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Why, fly with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent +mischief!--Here, friend, you can show us the place? + +FAG +If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you.--David, do you look for Sir +Anthony. + +[Exit DAVID.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Come, girls! this gentleman will exhort us.--Come, sir, you're our +envoy--lead the way, and we'll precede. + +FAG +Not a step before the ladies for the world! + +Mrs. MALAPROP +You're sure you know the spot? + +FAG +I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall hear the +report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss +them;--never fear, ma'am, never fear. + +[Exeunt, he talking.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene II--The South Parade. +[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, putting his sword under his great coat.] + +ABSOLUTE +A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a +mad dog.--How provoking this is in Faulkland!--never punctual! I shall +be obliged to go without him at last.--Oh, the devil! here's Sir +Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a +circle to go off.] + +[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.] + +Sir ANTHONY +How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see he don't +know me, I could have sworn that was Jack!--Hey! Gad's life! it +is.--Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey!--sure I'm right. Why Jack, +Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.] + +ABSOLUTE +Really, sir, you have the advantage of me:--I don't remember ever to +have had the honour--my name is Saunderson, at your service. + +Sir ANTHONY +Sir, I beg your pardon--I took you--hey?--why, zounds! it +is--Stay--[Looks up to his face.] So, so--your humble servant, Mr. +Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir. + +Sir ANTHONY +You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky:--but what are you muffled +up so for?--what's this for?--hey! + +ABSOLUTE +'Tis cool, sir, isn't it?--rather chilly somehow:--but I shall be +late--I have a particular engagement. + +Sir ANTHONY +Stay!--Why, I thought you were looking for me?--Pray, Jack, where is't +you are going? + +ABSOLUTE +Going, sir? + +Sir ANTHONY +Ay, where are you going? + +ABSOLUTE +Where am I going? + +Sir ANTHONY +You unmannerly puppy! + +ABSOLUTE +I was going, sir, to--to--to--to Lydia--sir, to Lydia--to make matters +up if I could;--and I was looking for you, sir, to--to---- + +Sir ANTHONY +To go with you, I suppose.--Well, come along. + +ABSOLUTE +Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world!--I wished to meet with you, +sir,--to--to--to--You find it cool, I'm sure, sir--you'd better not +stay out. + +Sir ANTHONY +Cool!--not at all.--Well, Jack--and what will you say to Lydia? + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her--promise and vow: but I detain you, +sir--consider the cold air on your gout. + +Sir ANTHONY +Oh, not at all!--Not at all! I'm in no hurry.--Ah! Jack, you +youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to +CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here? + +ABSOLUTE +Nothing, sir--nothing. + +Sir ANTHONY +What's this?--here's something damned hard. + +ABSOLUTE +Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets!--a bauble for Lydia! + +Sir ANTHONY +Nay, let me see your taste.--[Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.] +Trinkets!--a bauble for Lydia!--Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to +cut her throat, are you? + +ABSOLUTE +Ha! ha! ha!--I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't mean +to tell you till afterwards. + +Sir ANTHONY +You didn't?--Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly! + +ABSOLUTE +Sir, I'll explain to you.--You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish +romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses +to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear--I'll fall upon its +point, and expire at her feet! + +Sir ANTHONY +Fall upon a fiddlestick's end!--why, I suppose it is the very thing +that would please her.--Get along, you fool! + +ABSOLUTE +Well, sir, you shall hear of my success--you shall hear.--_O +Lydia!--forgive me, or this pointed steel_--says I. + +Sir ANTHONY +_O, booby! stay away and welcome_--says she.--Get along! and damn your +trinkets! + +[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +[Enter DAVID, running.] + +DAVID +Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire!--Stop fire! Stop fire!--O Sir +Anthony--call! call! bid 'm stop! Murder! Fire! + +Sir ANTHONY +Fire! Murder!--Where? + +DAVID +Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O Sir +Anthony, why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him? + +Sir ANTHONY +Zounds! the fellow's mad!--Stop whom? stop Jack? + +DAVID +Ay, the captain, sir!--there's murder and slaughter---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Murder! + +DAVID +Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's all kinds of murder, all sorts of +slaughter to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going on, +sir--bloody sword-and-gun fighting! + +Sir ANTHONY +Who are going to fight, dunce? + +DAVID +Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony:--everybody is going to fight, +my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain---- + +Sir ANTHONY +Oh, the dog! I see his tricks.--Do you know the place? + +DAVID +King's-Mead-Fields. + +Sir ANTHONY +You know the way? + +DAVID +Not an inch; but I'll call the +mayor--aldermen--constables--churchwardens--and beadles--we can't be +too many to part them. + +Sir ANTHONY +Come along--give me your shoulder! we'll get assistance as we go--the +lying villain!--Well, I shall be in such a frenzy!--So--this was the +history of his trinkets! I'll bauble him! + +[Exeunt.] + +* * * * * * * + + +Scene III--King's-Mead-Fields. +[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.] + +ACRES +By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds +levels and aims!--I say it is a good distance. + +Sir LUCIUS +Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, +you must leave those things to me.--Stay now--I'll show you.--[Measures +paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance--a +pretty gentleman's distance. + +ACRES +Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, +the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim. + +Sir LUCIUS +Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of +sight! + +ACRES +No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards---- + +Sir LUCIUS +Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your +pistols is as good as a mile. + +ACRES +Odds bullets, no!--by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so +near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot:--a +long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me! + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that.--But tell me now, +Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or +commission I could execute for you? + +ACRES +I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius--but I don't understand---- + +Sir LUCIUS +Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk--and +if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it--I say it will be +no time then to be bothering you about family matters. + +ACRES +A quietus! + +Sir LUCIUS +For instance, now--if that should be the case--would you choose to be +pickled and sent home?--or would it be the same to you to lie here in +the Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey. + +ACRES +Pickled!--Snug lying in the Abbey!--Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't +talk so! + +Sir LUCIUS +I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind +before? + +ACRES +No, Sir Lucius, never before. + +Sir LUCIUS +Ah! that's a pity!--there's nothing like being used to a thing.--Pray +now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot? + +ACRES +Odds files!--I've practised that--there, Sir Lucius--there. [Puts +himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small +enough: I'll stand edgeways. + +Sir LUCIUS +Now--you're quite out--for if you stand so when I take my aim---- +[Levelling at him.] + +ACRES +Zounds! Sir Lucius--are you sure it is not cocked? + +Sir LUCIUS +Never fear. + +ACRES +But--but--you don't know--it may go off of its own head! + +Sir LUCIUS +Pho! be easy.--Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a +double chance--for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill +be very hard if it don't succeed on the left! + +ACRES +A vital part! + +Sir LUCIUS +But, there--fix yourself so--[Placing him]--let him see the broad-side +of your full front--there--now a ball or two may pass clean through +your body, and never do any harm at all. + +ACRES +Clean through me!--a ball or two clean through me! + +Sir LUCIUS +Ay--may they--and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain. + +ACRES +Look'ee! Sir Lucius--I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as +a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways. + +Sir LUCIUS +[Looking at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint +us--Hah!--no, faith--I think I see them coming. + +ACRES +Hey!--what!--coming!---- + +Sir LUCIUS +Ay.--Who are those yonder getting over the stile? + +ACRES +There are two of them indeed!--well--let them come--hey, Sir +Lucius!--we--we--we--we--won't run. + +Sir LUCIUS +Run! + +ACRES +No--I say--we won't run, by my valour! + +Sir LUCIUS +What the devil's the matter with you? + +ACRES +Nothing--nothing--my dear friend--my dear Sir Lucius--but I--I--I don't +feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did. + +Sir LUCIUS +O fy!--consider your honour. + +ACRES +Ay--true--my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now +and then about my honour. + +Sir LUCIUS +[Looking.] Well, here they're coming. + +ACRES +Sir Lucius--if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was +afraid.--If my valour should leave me!--Valour will come and go. + +Sir LUCIUS +Then pray keep it fast, while you have it. + +ACRES +Sir Lucius--I doubt it is going--yes--my valour is certainly going!--it +is sneaking off!--I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my +hands! + +Sir LUCIUS +Your honour--your honour.--Here they are. + +ACRES +O mercy!--now--that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I +was aware! + +[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +Sir LUCIUS +Gentlemen, your most obedient.--Hah!--what, Captain Absolute!--So, I +suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself--to do a kind office, +first for your friend--then to proceed to business on your own account. + +ACRES +What, Jack!--my dear Jack!--my dear friend! + +ABSOLUTE +Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand. + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, Mr. Acres--I don't blame your saluting the gentleman +civilly.--[To FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your +weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground. + +FAULKLAND +My weapons, sir! + +ACRES +Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are +my particular friends. + +Sir LUCIUS +What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres? + +FAULKLAND +Not I, upon my word, sir. + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there +are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so +cantanckerous as to spoil the party by sitting out. + +ABSOLUTE +O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius. + +FAULKLAND +Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter---- + +ACRES +No, no, Mr. Faulkland;--I'll bear my disappointment like a +Christian.--Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to +fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone. + +Sir LUCIUS +Observe me, Mr. Acres--I must not be trifled with. You have certainly +challenged somebody--and you came here to fight him. Now, if that +gentleman is willing to represent him--I can't see, for my soul, why it +isn't just the same thing. + +ACRES +Why no--Sir Lucius--I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged--a +fellow, you see, that dare not show his face!--if he were here, I'd +make him give up his pretensions directly! + +ABSOLUTE +Hold, Bob--let me set you right--there is no such man as Beverley in +the case.--The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his +pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support +them in whatever way you please. + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, this is lucky.--Now you have an opportunity---- + +ACRES +What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?--not if he were fifty +Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural. + +Sir LUCIUS +Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a +vengeance! + +ACRES +Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all +my heart--and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. +I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you +over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest +pleasure. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward. + +ACRES +Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my +valour! + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, sir? + +ACRES +Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word coward--coward may be +said in joke--But if you had called me a poltroon, odds daggers and +balls---- + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, sir? + +ACRES +I should have thought you a very ill-bred man. + +Sir LUCIUS +Pho! you are beneath my notice. + +ABSOLUTE +Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second than my friend +Acres--He is a most determined dog--called in the country, Fighting +Bob.--He generally kills a man a week--don't you Bob? + +ACRES +Ay--at home! + +Sir LUCIUS +Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin--so come out, my little +counsellor--[Draws his sword]--and ask the gentleman, whether he will +resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him? + +ABSOLUTE +Come on then, sir--[Draws]; since you won't let it be an amicable suit, +here's my reply. + +[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, DAVID, Mrs. MALAPROP, LYDIA, and JULIA.] + +DAVID +Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in +particular; and bind his hands over to their good behaviour! + +Sir ANTHONY +Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy--how came you in a +duel, sir? + +ABSOLUTE +Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he called +on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty. + +Sir ANTHONY +Here's a pretty fellow; I catch him going to cut a man's throat, and he +tells me, he serves his majesty!--Zounds! sirrah, then how durst you +draw the king's sword against one of his subjects? + +ABSOLUTE +Sir! I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining his +reasons. + +Sir ANTHONY +Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your +reasons! + +Sir LUCIUS +Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook. + +Sir ANTHONY +Zounds! Jack, how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner which his +honour could not brook? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Come, come, let's have no honour before ladies--Captain Absolute, come +here--How could you intimidate us so?--Here's Lydia has been terrified +to death for you. + +ABSOLUTE +For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am? + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Nay, no delusions to the past--Lydia is convinced; speak, child. + +Sir LUCIUS +With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word here: I believe I could +interpret the young lady's silence. Now mark---- + +LYDIA +What is it you mean, sir? + +Sir LUCIUS +Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now--this is no time for +trifling. + +LYDIA +'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my hand, +and solicit the return of his affections. + +ABSOLUTE +O! my little angel, say you so?--Sir Lucius--I perceive there must be +some mistake here, with regard to the affront which you affirm I have +given you. I can only say, that it could not have been intentional. And +as you must be convinced, that I should not fear to support a real +injury--you shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone for an +inadvertency--I ask your pardon.--But for this lady, while honoured +with her approbation, I will support my claim against any man whatever. + +Sir ANTHONY +Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy. + +ACRES +Mind, I give up all my claim--I make no pretensions to any thing in the +world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my +valour! I'll live a bachelor. + +Sir LUCIUS +Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes +an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own +hand-writing, here---- [Takes out letters.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O, he will dissolve my mystery!--Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some +mistake--perhaps I can illuminate---- + +Sir LUCIUS +Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no +business.--Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not? + +LYDIA +Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Sir Lucius O'Trigger--ungrateful as you are--I own the soft impeachment +--pardon my blushes, I am Delia. + +Sir LUCIUS +You Delia--pho! pho! be easy. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +Why, thou barbarous Vandyke--those letters are mine--When you are more +sensible of my benignity--perhaps I may be brought to encourage your +addresses. + +Sir LUCIUS +Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; and +whether you or Lucy have put this trick on me, I am equally beholden to +you.--And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you +have taken that lady from me, I'll give you my Delia into the bargain. + +ABSOLUTE +I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's my friend, Fighting +Bob, unprovided for. + +Sir LUCIUS +Hah! little Valour--here, will you make your fortune? + +ACRES +Odds wrinkles! No.--But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and +forgive; but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob +Acres is a dunce, that's all. + +Sir ANTHONY +Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down--you are in your bloom yet. + +Mrs. MALAPROP +O Sir Anthony--men are all barbarians. + +[All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND.] + +JULIA +[Aside.] He seems dejected and unhappy--not sullen; there was some +foundation, however, for the tale he told me--O woman! how true should +be your judgment, when your resolution is so weak! + +FAULKLAND +Julia!--how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not +presume--yet Hope is the child of Penitence. + +JULIA +Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment +of me, than I am now in wanting inclination to resent it. As my heart +honestly bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be +ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours. + +FAULKLAND +Now I shall be blest indeed! + +Sir ANTHONY +[Coming forward.] What's going on here?--So you have been quarrelling +too, I warrant! Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have +a hand in the matter at last.--All the faults I have ever seen in my +friend Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and +warmth of his affection for you--There, marry him directly, Julia; +you'll find he'll mend surprisingly! + +[The rest come forward.] + +Sir LUCIUS +Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, but what is content; +for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have +not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better. + +ACRES +You are right, Sir Lucius.--So Jack, I wish you joy--Mr. Faulkland the +same.--Ladies,--come now, to show you I'm neither vexed nor angry, odds +tabors and pipes! I'll order the fiddles in half an hour to the New +Rooms--and I insist on your all meeting me there. + +Sir ANTHONY +'Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will drink a +health to the young couples, and a husband to Mrs. Malaprop. + +FAULKLAND +Our partners are stolen from us, Jack--I hope to be congratulated by +each other--yours for having checked in time the errors of an +ill-directed imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart; +and mine, for having, by her gentleness and candour, reformed the +unhappy temper of one, who by it made wretched whom he loved most, and +tortured the heart he ought to have adored. + +ABSOLUTE +Well, Jack, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of +love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter +cup for yourself, while I---- + +LYDIA +Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty?--But come, no more +of that--our happiness is now as unalloyed as general. + +JULIA +Then let us study to preserve it so: and while Hope pictures to us a +flattering scene of future bliss, let us deny its pencil those colours +which are too bright to be lasting.--When hearts deserving happiness +would unite their fortunes, Virtue would crown them with an unfading +garland of modest hurtless flowers; but ill-judging Passion will force +the gaudier rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends them when its +leaves are dropped! + +[Exeunt omnes.] + + +* * * * * * * * * * + + +EPILOGUE +By the Author + +Spoken by MRS. BULKLEY + + Ladies, for you--I heard our poet say-- + He'd try to coax some moral from his play: + "One moral's plain," cried I, "without more fuss; + Man's social happiness all rests on us: + Through all the drama--whether damn'd or not-- + Love gilds the scene, and women guide the plot. + From every rank obedience is our due-- + D'ye doubt?--The world's great stage shall prove it true." + The cit, well skill'd to shun domestic strife, + Will sup abroad; but first he'll ask his wife: + John Trot, his friend, for once will do the same, + But then--he'll just step home to tell his dame. + The surly squire at noon resolves to rule, + And half the day--Zounds! madam is a fool! + Convinced at night, the vanquish'd victor says, + Ah, Kate! you women have such coaxing ways. + The jolly toper chides each tardy blade, + Till reeling Bacchus calls on Love for aid: + Then with each toast he sees fair bumpers swim, + And kisses Chloe on the sparkling brim! + Nay, I have heard that statesmen--great and wise-- + Will sometimes counsel with a lady's eyes! + The servile suitors watch her various face, + She smiles preferment, or she frowns disgrace, + Curtsies a pension here--there nods a place. + Nor with less awe, in scenes of humbler life, + Is view'd the mistress, or is heard the wife. + The poorest peasant of the poorest soil, + The child of poverty, and heir to toil, + Early from radiant Love's impartial light + Steals one small spark to cheer this world of night: + Dear spark! that oft through winter's chilling woes + Is all the warmth his little cottage knows! + The wandering tar, who not for years has press'd, + The widow'd partner of his day of rest, + On the cold deck, far from her arms removed, + Still hums the ditty which his Susan loved; + And while around the cadence rude is blown, + The boatswain whistles in a softer tone. + The soldier, fairly proud of wounds and toil, + Pants for the triumph of his Nancy's smile! + But ere the battle should he list her cries, + The lover trembles--and the hero dies! + That heart, by war and honour steel'd to fear, + Droops on a sigh, and sickens at a tear! + But ye more cautious, ye nice-judging few, + Who give to beauty only beauty's due, + Though friends to love--ye view with deep regret + Our conquests marr'd, our triumphs incomplete, + Till polish'd wit more lasting charms disclose, + And judgment fix the darts which beauty throws! + In female breasts did sense and merit rule, + The lover's mind would ask no other school; + Shamed into sense, the scholars of our eyes, + Our beaux from gallantry would soon be wise; + Would gladly light, their homage to improve, + The lamp of knowledge at the torch of love! + +* * * * * * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Rivals, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE RIVALS *** + +***** This file should be named 24761.txt or 24761.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/7/6/24761/ + +Produced by Kent Cooper + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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