diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/tpobs10.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/tpobs10.txt | 12065 |
1 files changed, 12065 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/tpobs10.txt b/old/tpobs10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba33bfa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/tpobs10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12065 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext The Prophet of Berkeley Square by Hichens + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +The Prophet of Berkeley Square + +by Robert Hichens + +January, 2001 [Etext #2463] + + +Project Gutenberg Etext The Prophet of Berkeley Square by Hichens +*******This file should be named tpobs10.txt or tpobs10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, tpobs11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, tpobs10a.txt + + +Etext prepared by Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com +and Emma Dudding, emma_302@hotmail.com + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are usually created from multiple editions, +all of which are in the Public Domain in the United States, unless a +copyright notice is included. Therefore, we usually do NOT keep any +of these books in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. To be sure you have an +up to date first edition [xxxxx10x.xxx] please check file sizes +in the first week of the next month. Since our ftp program has +a bug in it that scrambles the date [tried to fix and failed] a +look at the file size will have to do, but we will try to see a +new copy has at least one byte more or less. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release thirty-six text +files per month, or 432 more Etexts in 1999 for a total of 2000+ +If these reach just 10% of the computerized population, then the +total should reach over 200 billion Etexts given away this year. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000 = 1 Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only ~5% of the present number of computer users. + +At our revised rates of production, we will reach only one-third +of that goal by the end of 2001, or about 3,333 Etexts unless we +manage to get some real funding; currently our funding is mostly +from Michael Hart's salary at Carnegie-Mellon University, and an +assortment of sporadic gifts; this salary is only good for a few +more years, so we are looking for something to replace it, as we +don't want Project Gutenberg to be so dependent on one person. + +We need your donations more than ever! + + +All donations should be made to "Project Gutenberg/CMU": and are +tax deductible to the extent allowable by law. (CMU = Carnegie- +Mellon University). + +For these and other matters, please mail to: + +Project Gutenberg +P. O. Box 2782 +Champaign, IL 61825 + +When all other email fails. . .try our Executive Director: +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> +hart@pobox.com forwards to hart@prairienet.org and archive.org +if your mail bounces from archive.org, I will still see it, if +it bounces from prairienet.org, better resend later on. . . . + +We would prefer to send you this information by email. + +****** + +To access Project Gutenberg etexts, use any Web browser +to view http://promo.net/pg. This site lists Etexts by +author and by title, and includes information about how +to get involved with Project Gutenberg. You could also +download our past Newsletters, or subscribe here. This +is one of our major sites, please email hart@pobox.com, +for a more complete list of our various sites. + +To go directly to the etext collections, use FTP or any +Web browser to visit a Project Gutenberg mirror (mirror +sites are available on 7 continents; mirrors are listed +at http://promo.net/pg). + +Mac users, do NOT point and click, typing works better. + +Example FTP session: + +ftp sunsite.unc.edu +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd pub/docs/books/gutenberg +cd etext90 through etext99 +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET GUTINDEX.?? [to get a year's listing of books, e.g., GUTINDEX.99] +GET GUTINDEX.ALL [to get a listing of ALL books] + +*** + +**Information prepared by the Project Gutenberg legal advisor** + +(Three Pages) + + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG- +tm etexts, is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor +Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association at +Carnegie-Mellon University (the "Project"). Among other +things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this +etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, +officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost +and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or +indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: +[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, +or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- + cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the + net profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association/Carnegie-Mellon + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Carnegie-Mellon University". + +We are planning on making some changes in our donation structure +in 2000, so you might want to email me, hart@pobox.com beforehand. + + + + + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Etext prepared by Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com +and Emma Dudding, emma_302@hotmail.com + + + + + +THE PROPHET OF BERKELEY SQUARE + +by ROBERT HICHENS + + + + +CHAPTER I + +MRS. MERILLIA IS CARRIED TO BED + +The great telescope of the Prophet was carefully adjusted upon its +lofty, brass-bound stand in the bow window of Number One Thousand +Berkeley Square. It pointed towards the remarkably bright stars which +twinkled in the December sky over frosty London, those guardian stars +which always seemed to the Prophet to watch with peculiar solicitude +over the most respectable neighbourhood in which he resided. The +polestar had its eye even now upon the mansion of an adjacent ex- +premier, the belt of Orion was not oblivious of a belted earl's cosy +red-brick home just opposite, and the house of a certain famous actor +and actress close by had been taken by the Great Bear under its special +protection. + +The Prophet's butler, Mr. Ferdinand--that bulky and veracious gentleman +--threw open the latticed windows of the drawing-room and let the cold +air rush blithely in. Then he made up the fire carefully, placed a copy +of Mr. Malkiel's /Almanac/, bound in dull pink and silver brocade by +Miss Clorinda Dolbrett of the Cromwell Road, upon a small tulip-wood +table near the telescope, patted a sofa cushion affectionately on the +head, glanced around with the meditative eye of the butler born not +made, and quitted the comfortable apartment with a salaried, but soft, +footstep. + +It was a pleasant chamber, this drawing-room of Number One Thousand. It +spoke respectfully of the generations that were past and seemed +serenely certain of a comfortable future. There was no too modern +uneasiness about it, no trifling, gim-crack furniture constructed to +catch the eye and the angles of any one venturing to seek repose upon +it, no unmeaning rubbish of ornaments or hectic flummery of second-rate +pictures. Above the high oaken mantel-piece was a little pure bust in +marble of the Prophet when a small boy. To right and left were pretty +miniatures in golden frames of the Prophet's delightfully numerous +grandmothers. Here might be seen Mrs. Prothero, the great ship- +builder's faithful wife, in blue brocade, and Lady Camptown, who +reigned at Bath, in grey tabinet and diamond buckles, when Miss Jane +Austen was writing her first romance; Mrs. Susan Burlington, who knew +Lord Byron--a remarkable fact--and Lady Sophia Green, who knew her own +mind, a fact still more remarkable. The last-named lady wore black with +a Roman nose, and the combination was admirably convincing. Here might +also be observed Mrs. Stuefitt, Mistress of the Mazurka, and the Lady +Jane Follington, of whom George the Second had spoken openly in terms +of approbation. She affected plum colour and had eyes like sloes--the +fashionable hue in the neat-foot-and-pretty-ankle period. The flames of +the fire twinkled brightly over this battalion of deuced fine women, +who were all, without one exception, the grandmothers--in various +degrees--of the Prophet. When speaking of them, in the highest terms, +he never differentiated them by the adjectives great, or great-great. +They were all kind and condescending enough to be his grandmothers. For +a man of his sensitive, delicate and grateful disposition this was +enough. He thought them all quite perfect, and took them all under the +protection of his soft and beaming eyes. + +Of Mrs. Merillia, the live grandmother with whom he had the great +felicity to dwell in Berkeley Square, he seldom said anything in public +praise. The incense he offered at her shrine rose, most sweetly +perfumed, from his daily life. The hearth of this agreeable and +grandmotherly chamber was attractive with dogs, the silver cage beside +it with green love-birds. Upon the floor was a heavy, dull-blue carpet +over which--as has been intimated--even a butler so heavy as Mr. +Ferdinand could go softly. The walls were dressed with a dull blue +paper that looked like velvet. + +Here and there upon them hung a picture: a landscape of George Morland, +lustily English, a Cotman, a Cuyp--cows in twilight--a Reynolds, faded +but exquisitely genteel. A lovely little harpsichord--meditating on +Scarlatti--stood in one angle, a harp, tied with most delicate ribands +of ivory satin powdered with pimpernels, in another. Many waxen candles +shed a tender and unostentatious radiance above their careful grease- +catchers. Upon pretty tables lay neat books by Fanny Burney, Beatrice +Harraden, Mary Wilkins, and Max Beerbohm, also the poems of Lord Byron +and of Lord de Tabley. Near the hearth was a sofa on which an emperor +might have laid an easy head that wore a crown, and before every low +and seductive chair was set a low and seductive footstool. + +A grandmother's clock pronounced the hour of ten in a frail and elegant +voice as the finely-carved oak door was opened, and the Prophet +seriously entered this peaceful room, carrying a copy of the +/Meditations of Marcus Aurelius/ in his hand. + +He was a neatly-made little man of fashionable, even of modish, cut, +spare, smart and whimsical, with a clean-shaved, small-featured face, +large, shining brown eyes, abundant and slightly-waving brown hair, +that could only be parted, with the sweetest sorrow, in the centre of +his well-shaped, almost philosophical head, and movements light and +temperate as those of a meditative squirrel. Having just dined he was +naturally in evening dress, with a butterfly tie, gleaming pumps, and a +buttonhole of violets. He shut the door gently, glanced at his nice- +looking grandmothers, and, walking forward very quietly and demurely, +applied his eye to the telescope, lowering himself slightly by a Sandow +exercise, which he had practised before he became a prophet. Having +remained in this position of astronomical observation for some minutes, +he deviated into the upright, closed the window, and tinkled a small +silver bell that stood on the tulip-wood table beside Malkiel's +/Almanac/. + +Mr. Ferdinand appeared, looking respectfully buoyant. + +"Has Mr. Malkiel sent any reply to my inquiry, Mr. Ferdinand?" asked +the Prophet. + +"He has not, sir," replied Mr. Ferdinand, sympathetically. + +"Did the boy messenger say he delivered my note?" + +"He said so, sir, on his Bible oath, sir." + +"And do you believe him?" + +"Oh, sir!" responded Mr. Ferdinand, in a shocked voice, "surely a +London lad would not be found to tell a lie!" + +"I hope not, Mr. Ferdinand. Still--did he look a nervous sort of lad?" + +"He was a trifle pale, sir, about the gills--but a heart of gold, sir, +I feel sure. He wore four medals, sir." + +"Four medals! Nevertheless, he may have been frightened to go to Mr. +Malkiel's door. That will do, Mr. Ferdinand." + +Mr. Ferdinand was about to bow and retire when the Prophet, after a +moment of hesitation, added,-- + +"Stay, Mr. Ferdinand. Mrs. Merillia has gone to the Gaiety Theatre +to-night. I expect her back at half-past eleven. She may need +assistance on her return." + +"Assistance, sir! Mrs. Merillia, sir!" + +Mr. Ferdinand's luminous eyes shone with amazement. + +"She may--I say she /may/--have to be carried to bed." + +Mr. Ferdinand's jaw dropped. He gave at the knees and was obliged to +cling to a Chippendale cabinet for support. + +"Have an armchair ready in the hall in case of necessity and tell +Gustavus to sit up. Mrs. Merillia must not be dropped. You understand. +That will do, Mr. Ferdinand." + +Mr. Ferdinand endeavoured to bow, and ultimately succeeded in retiring. +When his tremulous shoulders were no longer visible, the Prophet opened +Marcus Aurelius, and, seating himself in a corner of the big couch by +the fire, crossed his legs one over the other and began to read that +timid Ancient's consolatory, but unconvincing, remarks. Occasionally he +paused, however, murmured doubtfully, "Will she have to be carried to +bed?" shook his head mournfully and then resumed his reading. + +While he thus employs his time, we must say a word or two about him. + +Mr. Hennessey Vivian was now a man of thirty-eight, of excellent +fortune, of fine connections, and of admirable disposition. He had +become an orphan as soon as it was in his power to do so, having lost +his father--Captain Vivian of Her Majesty's Tenth Lancers--some months +before, and his mother--who had been a Merillia of Chipping Sudbury--a +few minutes after his birth. In these unfortunate circumstances, over +which he, poor infant, had absolutely no control--whatever unkind +people might say!--he devolved upon his mother's mother, the handsome +and popular Mrs. Merillia, who assumed his charge with the rosy +alacrity characteristic of her in all her undertakings. With her the +little Hennessey had passed his infantine years, blowing happy bubbles, +presiding over the voyages of his own private Noah--from the Army and +Navy Stores, with two hundred animals of both sexes!--eating pap +prepared by Mrs. Merillia's own /chef/, and sleeping in a cot hung with +sunny silk that might have curtained Venus or have shaken about Aurora +as she rose in the first morning of the world. From her he had acquired +the alphabet and many a ginger-nut and decorative bonbon. And from her, +too, he had set forth, with tears, in his new Eton jacket and broad +white collar, to go to Mr. Chapman's preparatory school for little boys +at Slough. Here he remained for several years, acquiring a respect for +the poet Gray and a love of Slough peppermint that could only cease +with life. Here too he made friends with Robert Green, son of Lord +Churchmore, who was afterwards to be a certain influence in his life. +His existence at Slough was happy. Indeed, so great was his affection +for the place that his removal to Eton cost him suffering scarcely less +acute than that which presently attended his departure from Eton to +Christchurch. Over his sensations on leaving Oxford we prefer to draw a +veil, only saying that his last outlook--as an undergraduate--over her +immemorial towers was as hazy as the average Cabinet Minister's outlook +over the events of the day and the desires of the community. + +But if the moisture of the Prophet did him credit at that painful +period of his life, it must be allowed that his behaviour on being +formally introduced into London Society showed no puling regret, no +backward longings after echoing colleges, lost dons and the scouts that +are no more. He was quite at his ease, and displayed none of the high- +pitched contempt of Piccadilly that is often so amusingly +characteristic of the young gentlemen accustomed to "the High." + +Mrs. Merillia, who had been a widow ever since she could remember, +possessed the lease of the house in Berkeley Square in which the +Prophet was now sitting. It was an excellent mansion, with everything +comfortable about it, a duke on one side, a Chancellor of the Exchequer +on the other, electric light, several bathrooms and the gramophone. +There was never any question of the Prophet setting up house by +himself. On leaving Oxford he joined his ample fortune to Mrs. +Merillia's as a matter of course, and they settled down together with +the greatest alacrity and hopefulness. Nor were their pleasant +relations once disturbed during the fifteen years that elapsed before +the Prophet applied his eye to the telescope in the bow window and gave +Mr. Ferdinand the instructions which have just been recorded. + +These fifteen years had not gone by without leaving their mark upon our +hero. He had done several things during their passage. For instance, he +had written a play, very nearly proposed to the third daughter of a +London clergyman and twice been to the Derby. Such events had, not +unnaturally, had their effect upon the formation of his character and +even upon the expression of his intelligent face. The writing of the +play--and, perhaps, its refusal by all the actor-managers of the town-- +had traced a tiny line at each corner of his mobile mouth. The third +daughter of the London clergyman--his sentiment for her--had taught his +hand the slightly episcopal gesture which was so admired at the Lambeth +Palace Garden Party in the summer of 1892. And the great race meeting +was responsible for the rather tight trousers and the gentleman-jockey +smile which he was wont to assume when he set out for a canter in the +Row. From all this it will be guessed that our Prophet was exceedingly +amenable to the influences that throng at the heels of the human +destiny. Indeed, he was. And some few months before this story opens it +came about that he encountered a gentleman who was, in fact, the +primary cause of this story being true. Who was this gentleman? you +will say. Sir Tiglath Butt, the great astronomer, Correspondent of the +Institute of France, Member of the Royal College of Science, +Demonstrator of Astronomical Physics, author of the pamphlet, "Star- +Gazers," and the brochure, "An investigation into the psychical +condition of those who see stars," C.B.F.R.S. and popular member of the +Colley Cibber Club in Long Acre. + +The Prophet was introduced to Sir Tiglath at the Colley Cibber Club, +and though Sir Tiglath, who was of a freakish disposition and much +addicted to his joke declined to speak to him, on the ground that he +(Sir Tiglath) had lost his voice and was unlikely to find it in +conversation, the Prophet was greatly impressed by the astronomer's +enormous brick-red face, round body, turned legs, eyes like marbles, +and capacity for drinking port-wine--so much so, in fact that, on +leaving the club, he hastened to buy a science primer on astronomy, and +devoted himself for several days to a minute investigation of the Milky +Way. + +As there is a fascination of the earth, so is there a fascination of +the heavens. Along the dim, empurpled highways that lead from star to +star, from meteorite to comet, the imagination travels wakefully by +night, and the heart leaps as it draws near to the silver bosses of the +moon. Mrs. Merillia was soon obliged to permit the intrusion of a +gigantic telescope into her pretty drawing-room, and found herself +expected to converse at the dinner-table on the eight moons of Saturn, +the belts of Jupiter, the asteroids of Mars and the phases of Venus. +These last she at first declined to discuss with a man, even though he +were her grandson. But she was won over by the Prophet's innocent +persuasiveness, and drawn on until she spoke almost as readily of the +movements of the stars as formerly she had spoken of the movements of +the Court from Windsor to London, and from London to Balmoral. In +truth, she expected that Hennessey's passion for the comets would cease +as had ceased his passion for the clergyman's daughter; that his ardour +for astronomy would die as had died his ardour for play-writing; that +he would give up going to /Corona Borealis/ and to the Southern Fish as +he had given up going to the Derby. Time proved her wrong. As the days +flew Hennessey became increasingly impassioned. He was more often at +the telescope than at the Bachelors', and seemed on the way to become +almost as gibbous as the planet Mars. Even he slightly neglected his +social duties; and on one terrible occasion forgot that he was engaged +to dine at Cambridge House because he was assisting at a transit of +Mercury. + +Now all this began to weigh upon the mind of Mrs. Merillia, despite the +amazing cheerfulness of disposition which she had inherited from two +long lines of confirmed optimists--her ancestors on the paternal and +maternal sides. She did not know how to brood, but, if she had, she +might well have been led to do so. And even as it was she had been +reduced to so unusual a condition of dejection that, a week before the +evening we are describing, she had been obliged to order a box at the +Gaiety Theatre, she, who, like all optimists, habitually frequented +those playhouses where she could behold gloomy tragedies, awful +melodramas, or those ironic pieces called farces, in which the ultimate +misery of which human nature is capable is drawn to its farthest point. + +In the beginning of this new dejection of hers, Mrs. Merillia was now +seated in a stage box at the "Gaiety," with an elderly General of Life +Guards, a Mistress of the Robes, and the grandfather of the Central +American Ambassador at the Court of St. James, and all four of them +were smiling at a neat little low comedian, who was singing, without +any voice and with the utmost precision, a pathetic romance entitled, +"De Coon Wot Got de Chuck." + +Meanwhile the Prophet was engaged for the twentieth time in considering +whether Mrs. Merillia, on her return from this festival, would have to +be carried to bed by hired menials. + +Why? + +This brings us to the great turning point in our hero's life, to the +point when first he began to respect the strange powers stirring within +him. + +Until he encountered Sir Tiglath Butt in the dining-room of the Colley +Cibber Club Hennessey had been but a dilettante fellow. He had written +a play, but airily, and without the twenty years of arduous and +persistent study declared by the dramatic critics to be absolutely +necessary before any intelligent man can learn how to get a bishop on, +or a chambermaid off, the stage. He had nearly proposed to a +clergyman's daughter, but thoughtlessly, and without any previous +examination into the clericalism of rectory females, any first-hand +knowledge of mothers' meetings, devoid of which he must be a stout- +hearted gentleman who would rush in where even curates often fear to +tread. He had been to the Derby, but without wearing a bottle-green +veil or carrying a betting-book. In fact, he had not taken life very +seriously, or fully appreciated the solemn duties it brings to all who +bear its yoke. Only when the plump red hand of Sir Tiglath--holding a +bumper of thirty-four port--pointed the way to the heavens, did +Hennessey begin--through his telescope--to see the great possibilities +that foot it about the existence of even the meanest man who eats, +drinks and suffers. For through his telescope he saw that he might be a +prophet. Malkiel read the future in the stars. Why not he? + +He endeavoured to do so. He sought an intimacy with the benefic +/Jupiter/, and found it--perhaps by a secret kow-towing to +/Sagittarius/. He made up openly to /Canis Major/ and was shortly on +what might almost be considered terms of affection with /Venus/. And he +was, moreover, presently quite fearless in the presence of /Saturn/, +quite unabashed beneath the glittering eye of /Mercury/. Then, as the +neophyte growing bold by familiarity with the circle of the great ones, +he ventured on his first prophecy, a discreet and even humble forecast +of the weather. He predicted a heavy fall of snow for a certain +evening, and so distrusted his own prediction that when the evening +came, mild and benign, he sallied forth to the Empire Palace of +Varieties, and stayed till near midnight, laughing at the sallies of +French clowns, and applauding the frail antics of cockatoos on motor +bicycles. When, on the stroke of twelve, he came airily forth wrapped +in the lightest of dust coats, he was obliged to endure the greatest of +man's amazements--the knowledge that there was a well of truth within +him. Leicester Square was swathed in an ivory fleece, and he was +obliged to gain Berkeley Square on foot, treading gingerly in pumps, +escorted by linkmen with flaring golden torches, and preceded by tipsy +but assiduous ruffians armed with shovels, who, with many a lusty oath +and horrid imprecation, cleared a thin thread of path between the +towering walls of snow that sparkled faintly in the gaslight. + +This experience fired him. He rose up early, lay down late, and, quite +with her assent, cast the horoscope of Mrs. Merillia in the sweat of +his brow. He cast, we say, her horoscope and, from a certain +conjunction of the planets, he gathered, to his horror, that upon the +fifteenth day of the month of January she would suffer an accident +while on an evening jaunt. We find him now, on this fifteenth day of +the first month, aware of his revered grandmother's intrepid expedition +to the Gaiety Theatre, waiting her return to Berkeley Square with +mingled feelings which we might analyse for pages, but which we prefer +baldly to state. + +He longed to be proved indeed a prophet, and he longed also to see his +beloved relative return from her sheaf of pleasures in the free and +unconstrained use of all her graceful limbs. He was, therefore, torn by +foes in a mental conflict, and was in no case to sip the philosophic +honey of Marcus Aurelius as he sat between the telescope and the fire +in the comfortable drawing-room awaiting his grandmother's return. + +"Gustavus," said Mr. Ferdinand in the servants' hall to the flushed +footman who lay upon a what-not, sipping a glass of ale and reading a +new and unabridged farthing edition of Carlyle's /French Revolution/, +"Gustavus, Mrs. Merillia has been and gone to the Gaiety Theatre +to-night. We expect her back at eleven-thirty sharp. She may need +assistance on her return, Gustavus." + +The footman put down the tumbler which he was in the act of raising to +his pouted lips. + +"Assistance, Mr. Ferdinand!" he ejaculated. "Mrs. Merillia, Mr. +Ferdinand!" + +"She may--we say she /may/--have to be carried to bed, Gustavus." + +Gustavus's jaw dropped, and the /French Revolution/ fluttered in his +startled hands. + +"Good lawks, Mr. Ferdinand!" he exclaimed (not quoting from Carlyle). + +"Have an armchair ready in the hall, Gustavus. Mrs. Merillia must not +be dropped. You understand? That will do, Gustavus." + +And Mr. Ferdinand passed to the adjacent supper-table, to join the +upper housemaid in a discussion of two subjects that were very near to +their hearts, a round of beef and a tureen of pickled cabbage, while +Gustavus got up from the what-not in a bemused manner, and proceeded to +search dreamily for an armchair. He came upon one by chance in the +dining-room, and wheeled it out into the hall just as the clocks in the +house rang out the half-hour after eleven. + +The Prophet above sprang up from the couch by the fire, Mr. Ferdinand +below closed his discussion with the upper housemaid, and the former +rapidly came down, the latter up, stairs as the roll of wheels broke +through the silence of the square. + +Gustavus, in an attitude of bridled curiosity, was posed beneath a +polar bear that held an electric lamp. His hand was laid upon the back +of the armchair, and his round hazel eyes were turned expectantly +towards the hall as his two masters joined him. + +"Is all ready, Mr. Ferdinand?" said the Prophet, anxiously. + +"All is ready, sir," replied the butler. + +"Wheel the chair forward, Gustavus, if you please," said the Prophet. +"Mrs. Merillia must not be dropped. Remember that." + +"Not be dropped, sir--no." + +The chair ran forward on its amicable castors as a carriage was heard +to stop outside. Mr. Ferdinand flung open the portal, and the Prophet +glided out excitedly upon the step. + +"Well?" he cried, "well?" + +A footman, in a long drab coat with red facings, was preparing to get +off the box of a smart brougham, but before he could reach the +pavement, a charming head, covered with a lace cap, was thrust out of +the window, and a musical and almost girlish voice cried,-- + +"All nonsense, Hennessey, all rubbish! Saturn don't know what he's +talkin' about. Look!" + +The carriage door was vivaciously opened from the inside and a +delightful little old lady, dressed in brown silk, with a long, +cheerful pointed nose, rosy cheeks, and chestnut hair--that almost +mightn't have been a wig in certain lights--prepared to leap forth +without waiting for the reverent assistance that the Prophet, flanked +by Mr. Ferdinand and Gustavus, was in waiting to afford. + +As she jumped, she began to cry, "Not much wrong with me, is there, +Hennessey?" but before the sentence was completed she had caught her +neat foot in her brown silk gown, had stumbled from the step of the +carriage to the pavement, had twisted her pretty ankle, had reeled and +almost fallen, had been caught by the Prophet and Mr. Ferdinand, borne +tenderly into the hall, and placed in the armchair which the terrified +Gustavus, with almost enraged ardour, drove forward to receive her. As +she sank down in it, helpless, Mrs. Merillia exclaimed, with unabated +vivacity,-- + +"It's happened, Hennessey, it's happened! But it was my own doin' and +yours. You shouldn't have prophesied at your age, and I shouldn't have +jumped at mine. + +"Dearest grannie!" cried the Prophet, on his knees beside her, "how +grieved, how shocked I am! Is it--is it--" + +"Sprained, Hennessey?" + +He nodded. Mechanically Mr. Ferdinand nodded. Gustavus let his powdered +head drop, too, in imitation of his superiors. + +"I'll tell you in the drawin'--room." + +She placed her pretty, mittened hands upon the arms of the chair, and +gave a little wriggle, trying to get up. Then she cried out +musically,-- + +"No, I must be carried up. Mr. Ferdinand!" + +"Ma'am!" + +"Is Gustavus to be trusted?" + +"Trusted, ma'am!" cried Mr. Ferdinand, looking at Gustavus, who had +assumed an expression of pale and pathetic dignity. "Trusted--a London +footman! Oh, ma'am!" + +His voice failed. He choked and began to rummage in the pocket of his +black tail coat for his perfumed handkerchief. + +"T'st, t'st! I mean his arms," said Mrs. Merillia, patting her delicate +hands quickly on the chair. "Can he carry me?" + +The countenance of Mr. Ferdinand cleared, while Gustavus eagerly +extended his right arm, bent it sharply, and allowed his magnificent +biceps to rise up in sudden majesty. Mrs. Merillia was reassured. + +"Hoist me to the drawin'-room, then," she said. "Hennessey, will you +walk behind?" + +The procession was formed, and the little old lady proceeded by a +succession of jerks to the upper floor, her silk gown rustling against +the balusters, and her tiny feet dangling loosely in mid-air, while her +long and elegant head nodded each time Mr. Ferdinand and Gustavus +pranced carefully sideways to a higher step. The Prophet followed +solicitously behind, with hands outstretched to check any dangerous +recoil. His face was very grave, but not entirely unhappy. + +"Set me down by the fire," said Mrs. Merillia, when she found herself +being smoothly propelled through the atmosphere of the drawing-room. + +The menials obeyed with breathless assiduity. + +"And now bring me a sandwich, a glass of toast and water and a fan, if +you please. Yes, put the footstool well under me." + +"Dearest grannie," said the Prophet, when the men had retired, "are you +in great pain?" + +"No, Hennessey. Are you?" + +Mrs. Merillia's green eyes twinkled. + +"I!" + +"Yes, at my accident. For my ankle is sprained, I'm almost sure, and I +shall have to lie up presently in wet bandages. Tell me, are you really +pained that I have had the accident you prophesied?" + +She glanced from her grandson to the telescope that pointed toward the +stars and back again. + +"I am, indeed, sincerely grieved," the Prophet answered with genuine +emotion. + +"Yes. But if I'd jumped out all right, and was sittin' here now in a +perfect condition of health, you'd have been sincerely grieved, too." + +"I hope not, grannie," said the Prophet. But he looked meditative. + +Mr. Ferdinand brought the toast and water, the sandwich and the fan. +When he had trodden across the carpet out of the room Mrs. Merillia +continued,-- + +"Hennessey, you see where this prophetic business is leadin' you. It +has made you charmed at my accident. Yes, it has." + +She spoke without any pathos, humorously indeed, in a bright tone full +of common sense. And she nodded at him over her toast and water with a +chaffing, demure smile. But the Prophet winced and put his hand to his +thick brown hair. + +"No, no," he cried quickly. "That's impossible. It can't be." But the +statements sounded like perturbed questions. + +"Think!" said his grandmother, looking down at her poor, helpless foot +as it lay on the velvet stool. "If I hadn't had an accident to-night, +you'd have been obliged to think ill of--of--which of them was it that +had the impertinence to talk my affairs over with you?" + +"Mercury and Uranus, Jupiter, Saturn and Venus," said the Prophet with +almost terrible gravity. + +"Exactly. I always have thought ill of the last, but that's nothin' to +do with it. Weigh me in the balance against five planets--are they all +planets?--and how do the scales go? You see, Hennessey!" + +The Prophet looked much distressed. He saw his beloved grandmother by +the fire and the bright stars twinkling through the frosty window- +panes. He thought of his telescope, of Sir Tiglath, of Mr. Malkiel, and +of the future, and the velvety blue walls of the drawing-room seemed to +spin round him. + +"Prophecy," continued Mrs. Merillia, fanning herself till the lace +lappets of her priceless cap fluttered above her orderly and clasping +wig, "is dangerous, for often it can cause its own fulfilment. If you +hadn't said that because of a certain conjunction of planets--or +whatever it was--in my horoscope, I should have an accident to-night, I +shouldn't have jumped out of the brougham. I should have waited for Mr. +Ferdinand to assist me, as befits a gentlewoman." + +"But, grannie, I assure you I was most anxious to save you. I hoped I +had made a mistake in your horoscope. I did, really. I was so nervous +that I sent to Mr. Malkiel while you were at the theatre and implored +him to look into the matter as an expert." + +"Mr. Malkiel! Who is he? Do we know him?" + +"No. But we know his marvellous /Almanac/." + +"The /Almanac/ person! Why, Malkiel is surely a myth, Hennessey, a +number of people, a company, a syndicate, or something of that kind." + +"So I thought, grannie. But I have made inquiries--through a detective +agency--and I have discovered that he is one person; in fact, a man, +just like you and me." + +"Rather an odd man then! Is he in the Red Book?" + +"No. He is, I understand, of a very retiring and secretive disposition. +In fact, I have had great difficulty in learning anything about him. +But at length I have discovered that he receives and answers letters at +an address in London." + +"Indeed. Where is it?" + +"Jellybrand's Library, Eleven Hundred Z, Shaftesbury Avenue. I sent a +boy messenger there to-day." + +"Did you receive a reply?" + +"No. I think the boy--although Mr. Ferdinand tells me he wore four +medals, I presume for courage--must have become nervous on perceiving +Mr. Malkiel's name on the envelope, have thrown the note down a +grating, and bolted before he reached the place, though he said--on his +Bible oath, I understand from Mr. Ferdinand--he delivered the note. In +any case I got no answer. How are you feeling?" + +"Twisted, but prophetic. I foretell that my ankle will be swelled +beyond recognition to-morrow. Help me to bed, Hennessey." + +The Prophet flew to his dear relative's assistance, and Mrs. Merillia +endeavoured to rise and to lean upon his anxious arm. After a struggle, +however, in which the Prophet took part and two chairs were overset, +she was obliged to desist. + +"You must ring the bell, Hennessey," she said. "Mr. Ferdinand and +Gustavus must carry me to bed in the chair." + +The Prophet sprang tragically to the bell. It was answered. The +procession was re-formed, and Mrs. Merillia was carried to bed, still +smiling, nodding at each stair and bearing herself with admirable +courage. + +As Mr. Ferdinand and Gustavus descended to the basement after the +completion of their unusual task, the latter said solemnly,-- + +"However should master have come to know as the missis wouldn't be able +to put foot to floor this night, Mr. Ferdinand? However?" + +"I cannot answer you, Gustavus," Mr. Ferdinand replied, shaking his +broad and globe-like head, round whose bald cupola the jet-black hair +was brushed in two half moons decorated with a renowned "butler's own +special pomade." + +"Well, Mr. Ferdinand," rejoined Gustavus, stretching out one hand for +pale ale, the other for /French Revolution/, "I don't like it." + +"Why, Gustavus?" inquired Mr. Ferdinand, preparing to resume his +discussion with the accommodating upper housemaid. "Why?" + +"Because it seems strange like, Mr. Ferdinand," said Gustavus, lifting +the glass to his lips, the /French Revolution/ to his eyes. + +"It do seem strange, Gustavus," answered Mr. Ferdinand, leaving out the +"like" in a cultivated manner. "It do." + +In the drawing-room the Prophet stood, with clenched hands, gazing +through the telescope at Mercury and Uranus, Jupiter, Saturn and Venus, +while, on the second floor, Mrs. Fancy Quinglet, Mrs. Merillia's +devoted, but occasionally disconcerting, maid, swathed her mistress's +ankle in bandages previously steeped in cold water and in vinegar. + + + +CHAPTER II + +MALKIEL THE SECOND IS BETRAYED BY THE YOUNG LIBRARIAN + +Mrs. Merillia's accident made a very deep impression upon the Prophet's +mind. He thought it over carefully, and desired to discuss it in all +its bearings with Mrs. Fancy Quinglet, who had been his confidante for +full thirty years. Mrs. Fancy--who had not been married--was no longer +a pretty girl. Indeed it was possible that she had never, even in her +heyday, been otherwise than moderately plain. Now, at the age of fifty- +one and a half, she was a faithful creature with a thin, pendulous +nose, a pale, hysteric eye, a tendency to cold in the head and +chilblains in the autumn of the year, and a somewhat incoherent and +occasionally frenzied turn of mind. Argument could never at any time +have had much effect upon her nature, and as she grew towards maturity +its power over her most markedly decreased. This fact was recognised by +everybody, last of all by Mrs. Merillia, who was at length fully +convinced of the existence of certain depths in her maid's peculiar +character by the following circumstance. + +Mrs. Merillia had a bandy-legged dachshund called Beau, whose name was +for many years often affectionately, and quite correctly, pronounced by +Fancy Quinglet. One day, however, she chanced to see it written upon +paper--B.E.A.U. + +"Whatever does that mean, ma'am?" she asked of Mrs. Merillia. + +"Why, Beau, of course, Beau--the dog. What should it mean?" + +"Bow?" cried Fancy. "Is he writ so?" + +"Of course, silly girl. It is written Beau, and you can pronounce it as +you would pronounce a bow of ribbon." + +Fancy said no more, though it was easy to see that she was much shaken +by this circumstance. But she could never afterwards be induced to +utter her favourite's name. She was physically unable to speak the word +so strangely, so almost impiously, spelt. This she declared with tears. +Persuasion and argument were unavailing. Henceforth Beau was always +called by her "the dog," and it was obvious that, had she been led out +to the stake, she must have burned rather than save herself by a +pronouncing of the combination of letters by which she had been so long +deceived. + +Such an inflexible mind had Mrs. Fancy, to whom the Prophet now applied +himself with gestures almost Sinaic. + +She was dressed in mouse-coloured grenadine, and was seated in a small +chamber opening out of Mrs. Merillia's bedroom, engaged in what she +called "plain tatting." + +"Fancy," said the Prophet, entering and closing the door carefully, +"you know me well." + +"From the bottle, sir," she answered, darting the bone implements in +and out. + +"Have you ever thought--has it ever occurred to you--" + +"I can't say it has, sir," Fancy replied, with the weak decision +peculiar to her. + +She was ever prone thus to answer questions before they were fully +asked, or could be properly understood by her, and from such premature +decisions as she hastened to give she could never afterwards be +persuaded to retreat. Knowing this the Prophet said rapidly,-- + +"Fancy, if a man finds out that he is a prophet what ought he to do?" + +The lady's-maid rattled her bones. + +"Let it alone, sir," she answered. "Let it alone, Master Hennessey." + +"Well, but what d'you mean by that?" + +"What I say sir. I can't speak different, nor mean other." + +"But can't you explain, Fancy?" + +"Oh, Master Hennessey, the lives that have been wrecked, the homes that +have been broke up by explainings!" + +Her eye seemed suddenly lit from within by some fever of sad, worldly +knowledge. + +"Well, but--" the Prophet began. + +"I know it, Master Hennessey, and I can't know other." + +She sighed, and her gaze became fixed like that of a typhoid patient in +a dream. + +"Them that knows other let them declare it," she ejaculated. "I say +again, as I did afore--the homes that have been broken up by +explainings!" + +She tatted. The Prophet bowed before her decision and left the +apartment feeling rather hungry. Fancy Quinglet's crumbs were not +always crumbs of comfort. He resolved to apply again to Mr. Malkiel, +and this time to make the application in person. But before he did so +he thought it right to tell Mrs. Merillia, who was still steeped in +bandages, of his intention. He therefore went straight to her room from +Fancy Quinglet's. Mrs. Merillia was lying upon a couch reading a +Russian novel. A cup of tea stood beside her upon a table near a bowl +of red and yellow tulips, a canary was singing in its cage amid a +shower of bird-seed, and "the dog" lay stretched before the blazing +fire upon a milk-white rug, over which a pale ray of winter sunshine +fell. As the Prophet came in Mrs. Merillia glanced up. + +"Hennessey," she said, "you are growin' to look like Lord Brandling, +when he combined the Premiership with the Foreign Office and we had +that dreadful complication with Iceland. My dear boy, you are +corrugated with thought and care. What is the matter? My ankle is much +better. You need not be anxious about me. Has Venus been playing you +another jade's trick?" + +The Prophet sat down and stroked Beau's sable back with his forefinger. + +"I have scarcely looked at Venus since you were injured, grannie," he +answered. "I have scarcely dared to." + +"I'm glad to hear it. Since the days of Adonis she has always had a +dangerous influence on young men. If you want to look at anybody, look +at that pretty, sensible cousin of Robert Green's." + +"Lady Enid. Yes, she is sensible. I believe she is in Hampshire staying +with the Churchmores." + +He looked calmer for a moment, but the corrugated expression quickly +returned. + +"Grannie," he said, "I think it my duty to make an effort to see Mr. +Malkiel." + +"The /Almanac/ man. What do you want with him?" + +She tapped one of her small, mittened hands over the other and slightly +twisted her long and pointed nose. + +"I want to learn his views on this strange faculty of prophecy. Has it +ever occurred to you that among all our immense acquaintance we don't +number a single prophet?" + +"One can't know everybody, Hennessey. And I believe that prophets +always spring from the lower classes. The line must be drawn somewhere +even in these days." + +"Why not draw it at millionaires then?" + +"I should like to. Somethin' will have to be done. If the nobodies +continue to go everywhere the very few somebodies that are left will +soon go nowhere. + +"Perhaps they do go nowhere. Perhaps that is why we have never met a +prophet." + +Mrs. Merillia looked up sharply, with her wide, cheerful mouth set awry +in a shrewd smile that seemed to say "So ho!" She recognised a strange, +new note of profound, though not arrogant, self-respect in her +grandson. + +"Prophets," Hennessey added more gently, "have always been inclined to +dwell in the wilderness." + +"But where can you find a wilderness in these days?" asked Mrs. +Merillia, still smiling. "Even Hammersmith is becomin' quite a +fashionable neighbourhood. And you say that the /Almanac/ man lives in +Shaftesbury Avenue, only half a minute from Piccadilly Circus." + +"My dear grannie," he corrected her, "I said he received letters there. +I don't know where he lives." + +"How are you goin' to find him then?" + +"I shall call this afternoon at eleven hundred Z." + +"To see if he has run in for a postcard! And what sort of person do you +expect him to be?" + +"Something quite out of the common." + +Mrs. Merillia screwed up her eyes doubtfully. + +"I hope you won't be disappointed. How many editions have there been of +the /Almanac/?" + +"Seventy yearly editions." + +"Then Malkiel must be a very old man." + +"But this Mr. Malkiel is Malkiel the Second." + +"One of a dynasty! That alters the case. Perhaps he's a young man about +town. There are young men about town, I believe, who have addresses at +clubs and libraries, and sleep on doorsteps, or in the Park. Well, +Hennessey, I see you are getting fidgety. You had better be off. Buy me +some roses for my room on your way home. I'm expectin' someone to have +tea with the poor victim of prophecy this afternoon." + +The Prophet kissed his grandmother, put on his overcoat and stepped +into the square. + +It was a bright, frosty, genial day, and he resolved to walk to +Jellybrand's Library. + +London was looking quite light-hearted in the dry, cold air, which set +a bloom even upon the cheeks of the ambassadors who were about, and +caused the butcher boys to appear like peonies. The crossing-sweepers +swept nothing vigorously, and were rewarded with showers of pence from +pedestrians delighting in the absence of mud. Crystal as some garden of +an eternal city seemed the green Park, wrapped in its frosty mantle +embroidered with sunbeams. Even the drivers of the "growlers" were +moderately cheerful--a very rare occurrence--and the blind man of +Piccadilly smiled as he roared along the highway, striking the feet of +the charitable with the wand which was the emblem of his profession. + +Only the Prophet was solemn on this delicious afternoon. People looked +at him and thought that he must surely be the richest man of the town. +His face was so sad. + +He wound across the whirlpool, where the green image postures to the +human streams that riot below it. He saw beneath their rooves of +ostrich feathers the girls shake their long earrings above sweet +violets and roses fainting with desire to be bought by country cousins. + +"Where is eleven hundred Z, if you please?" he asked the Shaftesbury +Avenue policeman. + +"Jellybrand's sir? On the right between the cream shop and the engine +warehouse, just opposite the place where they sell parrots, after that +there patent medicine depot." + +The Prophet bowed, thinking of the blessings of knowledge. In a moment +he stood before the library and glanced at its dirty window. He saw +several letters lying against the glass. One was addressed to "Miss +Minerva Partridge." He stepped in, wondering what she was like. + +Jellybrand's Library was a small, square room containing a letter rack, +a newspaper stand, a bookcase and a counter. It was fitted up with +letters, papers, books, and a big boy with a bulging head. The last- +named stood behind the counter, stroking his irregular profile with one +hand, and throwing a box of J nibs into the air and catching it with +the other. Upon the Prophet's entrance this youth obligingly dropped +the nibs accidentally upon the floor, and arranged his sharp and anemic +face in an expression of consumptive inquiry. The Prophet approached +the counter softly, and allowed the sable with which his coat was +trimmed to rest against it. + +"Did a boy messenger call here a few days ago with a note for Mr. +Malkiel?" he asked. + +The young librarian assumed an attitude of vital suspicion and the +expression of a lynx. + +"For Malkiel the Second, sir?" he replied in a piercing soprano voice. + +"Yes," said the Prophet. "A boy messenger with four medals. There was a +crest on the envelope--an elephant rampant surrounded by a swarm of +bees." + +A dogged look of combined terror and resolution overspread the young +librarian's countenance. + +"There's been no elephant and no swarm of bees in here," he said with +trembling curtness. + +"You are sure you would have remembered the circumstance if there had +been?" + +"Rather! What do you think? We don't allow things of them sort in here, +I can tell you." + +The Prophet drew out half a sovereign, upon which a ray of sunshine +immediately fell as if in benediction. + +"Does Mr. Malkiel--? + +"Malkiel the Second," interrupted the young librarian, whose pinkish +eyes winked at the illumination of the gold. + +"Malkiel the Second ever call here--in person?" + +"In person?" said the young librarian, very suspiciously. + +"Exactly." + +"I don't know about in person. He calls here." + +"Ah," said the Prophet, recognising in the youth a literary sense that +instinctively rejected superfluity. "He does call. May I ask when?" + +"When he chooses," said the young librarian, and he winked again. + +"Does he choose often?" + +"He's got his day, like Miss Partridge and lots of 'em." + +"I see. Is his day--by chance--a Thursday?" + +It was a Thursday afternoon. + +"I don't know about by chance," rejoined the young librarian, his +literary sense again coming into play. "But it's--" + +At this moment the library door opened, and a tall, thin, middle-aged +man walked in sideways with his feet very much turned out to right and +left of him. + +"Any letters, Frederick Smith?" he said in a hollow voice, on reaching +the counter. + +"Two, Mr. Sagittarius, I believe," replied the young librarian, moving +with respectful celerity towards the letter rack. + +The Prophet started and looked eagerly at the newcomer. His eyes rested +upon an individual whose face was comic in outline with a serious +expression, and whose form suggested tragic farce dressed to represent +commonplace, as seen at Margate and elsewhere. A top hat, a spotted +collar, a pink shirt, a white satin tie, a chocolate brown frock coat, +brown trousers and boots, and a black overcoat thrown open from top to +bottom--these appurtenances, clerkly in their adherence to a certain +convention, could not wholly disguise the emotional expression that +seems sometimes to lurk in shape. The lines of Mr. Sagittarius defied +their clothing. His shoulders gave the lie to the chocolate brown frock +coat. His legs breathed defiance to the trousers that sheathed them. +One could, in fancy, see the former shrugged in all the abandonment of +third-act despair, behold the latter darting wildly for the cover +afforded by a copper, a cupboard, or any other friendly refuge of those +poor victims of ludicrous and terrific circumstance who are so sorely +smitten and afflicted upon the funny stage. + +Mr. Sagittarius, in fine, seemed a man dressed in a mask that was +unable to deceive. His lean face was almost absurd in its irregularity, +its high cheek-bones and deep depressions, its sharp nose, extensive +mouth and nervous chin. But the pale blue eyes that were its soul shone +plaintively beneath their shaggy, blonde eyebrows, and even an +application of pomade almost hysterically lavish could not entirely +conceal the curling gloom of the heavy, matted hair. + +"Yes, two, Mr. Sagittarius," cried the young librarian, approaching +from the rack. + +The gentleman held out a hand covered with a yellow dogskin glove. + +"Thank you, Frederick Smith," he said. + +And he turned to leave the building. But the Prophet intercepted him. + +"Excuse me," said the Prophet. "I beg your pardon, but--but--" he +looked at the young librarian and accidentally let the half sovereign +fall on the counter. It gave the true ring. "I believe I heard you +mention--let drop the name Mr. Sagittarius." + +"I don't know about let drop," began the youth in his usual revising +manner. "But I--" + +At this point the gentleman in question began to move rather hastily +sideways towards the door. The Prophet followed him up and got before +him near the letter rack, while the young librarian retrieved the half +sovereign and bit it with his teeth. + +"I really beg your pardon," said the Prophet, while Mr. Sagittarius +stood still in the violent attitude of one determined to dodge so long +as he has breath. "I am not at all in the habit of"--Mr. Sagittarius +dodged--"of intruding upon strangers--" Mr. Sagittarius dodged again +with such extraordinary abruptness and determination that he nearly +caused the young librarian to swallow the Prophet's golden bribe. "I +see you don't believe me," the Prophet continued, flushing pink but +still holding his ground, and indeed trying to turn Mr. Sagittarius's +flank by a strategic movement of almost military precision. "I see that +plainly, but--" Mr. Sagittarius ducked to the left, endeavouring to +cover the manoeuvre by an almost simultaneous and extremely passionate +feint towards the Prophet's centre, which was immediately withdrawn in +good order--"but your remark--arkable name, Saag--itt-ittarius, +suggested to me that you are rea-eally the man I seek." + +He had now got Mr. Sagittarius into a very awkward bit of country +between the letter P. in the rack, under which reposed Miss Partridge's +correspondence, and the newspaper bureau, with the counter immediately +on his rear, and taking advantage of this circumstance, he continued +rapidly: + +"May I ask whether you recently received a letter--one moment!-- +envelope--crest--I only want to know if you have received--only--an +elephant rampant--swarm of--of bees--" + +"I have never received a rampant elephant and a swarm of bees," cried +Mr. Sagittarius with every symptom of unbridled terror. "Help, +Frederick Smith!" + +"Right you are, Malkiel the Second!" cried the young librarian, hastily +pocketing the half sovereign and making a feverish lunge at nothing in +particular over the counter. "Right you are!" + +"Malkiel the Second!" ejaculated the Prophet. "Then you are the man I +seek." + +Malkiel the Second--for it was indeed he--sank back against the counter +in an attitude of abandoned prostration that would have made a fortune +of a comic actor. + +"I trusted to Jellybrand's," he said, drawing from his tail pocket a +white handkerchief covered with a pattern of pink storks in flight. "I +trusted to Jellybrand's and Jellybrand's has betrayed me. Oh, Frederick +Smith!" + +He put a stork to each eye. The young librarian assumed an injured air. + +"It was the agitation did it, Mr. Sagittarius," he said. "If you hadn't +a-kep' dodging I shouldn't have lost my memory." + +And he looked avariciously at the Prophet, who smiled at him +reassuringly and drew forth a card case. + +"I feel sure, Mr. Sag--Malkiel--" + +"Malkiel the Second, sir, is my name if it is betrayed by +Jellybrand's," said that gentleman with sudden dignity. "There is no +need of any mister." + +"I beg your pardon," said the Prophet, handing his card. "That is my +name and address. May I beg you to forgive my apparent anxiety to make +your acquaintance, and implore you to grant me a few moments of private +conversation on a matter of the utmost importance?" + +Malkiel the Second read the card. + +"Berkeley Square," he said. "/The/ Berkeley Square?" + +"Exactly, the Berkeley Square," said the Prophet, modestly. + +"Not the one at Brixton Rise behind the Kimmins's mews?" said Malkiel +the Second, suspiciously. + +"Certainly not. The one near Grosvenor Square." + +"That's better," said Malkiel, upon whom the Prophet's address had +evidently made a good impression. "Kimmins's is no class at all. Had +you come from there, I--but what may you want with me?" + +The Prophet glanced significantly at the young librarian, who was +leaning upon the counter in a tense, keyhole position, with his private +ear turned somewhat ostentatiously towards the two speakers. + +"I can tell you in an inner room," he murmured, in his most +ingratiating manner. + +"You're certain it's not Berkeley Square behind Kimmins's?" said +Malkiel, with a last flicker of suspicion. + +"Quite certain--quite." + +"Frederick Smith," said Malkiel the Second, "since Jellybrand's has +betrayed me Jellybrand's must abide the consequences. Show this +gentleman and me to the parlour." + +"Right, Mr. Sagittarius," replied the young librarian whose memory had +again become excellent. "But Miss Minerva is coming at three-thirty." + +"Has she bespoke the parlour, Frederick Smith?" + +"Yes, Mr. Sagittarius." + +"Then she can't have it. That's all. Jellybrand's must abide the full +consequences of my betrayal. Go forward, Frederick Smith." + +The young librarian went forward towards a door of deal and ground +glass which he threw open with some ceremony. + +"The parlour, gents," he said. + +"After you, sir, after you," said Malkiel the Second, making a side +step and bringing his feet together in the first position. + +"No, no," rejoined the Prophet, gently drawing the sage to the front, +and inserting him into the parlour in such an ingenious manner that he +did not perceive the journey of a second half sovereign from the person +of the Prophet to that of the young librarian, who thereafter closed +the deal and ground glass door, and returned to the counter, whistling +in an absent-minded manner, "I'm a Happy Millionaire from Colorado." + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE TWO PROPHETS PARTAKE OF "CREAMING FOAM." + +"And now, sir," said Malkiel the Second, pointing to a couple of cane +chairs which, with the table, endeavoured, rather unsuccessfully, to +furnish forth the parlour at Jellybrand's, "now sir, what do you want +with me?" + +As he spoke he threw his black overcoat wide open, seated himself on +the edge of one of the chairs in a dignified attitude, and crossed his +feet--which were not innocent of spats--one over the other. + +The Prophet was resolved to dare all, and he, therefore, answered +boldly,-- + +"Malkiel the Second, I wish to speak to you as one prophet to another." + +At this remark Malkiel started violently, and darted a searching glance +from beneath his blonde eyebrows at Hennessey. + +"Do you live in the Berkeley Square, sir," he said, "and claim to be a +prophet?" + +"I do," said Hennessey, with modest determination. + +Malkiel smiled, a long and wreathed smile that was full of luscious +melancholy and tragic sweetness. + +"The assumption seems rather ridiculous--forgive me," he exclaimed. +"The Berkeley Square! Whatever would Madame say?" + +"Madame?" said the Prophet, inquiringly. + +"Madame Malkiel, or Madame Sagittarius, as she always passes." + +"Your wife?" + +"My honoured lady," said Malkiel, with pride. "More to me almost than +any lunar guide or starry monitor. What, oh, what would she say to a +prophet from the Berkeley Square?" + +He burst into hollow laughter, shaking upon the cane chair till its +very foundations seemed threatened as by an earthquake, and was obliged +to apply the flight of storks to his eyes before he could in any degree +recover his equanimity. At length he glanced up with tears rolling down +his cheeks. + +"Excuse me, sir," he said. "But what can you know of prophecy in such a +fashionable neighbourhood, close to Grosvenor Square and within sight, +as one may say, of Piccadilly? Oh, dear, oh, dear!" + +"But really," said the Prophet, who had flushed red, but who still +spoke with pleasant mildness, "what influence can neighbourhood have +upon such a superterrestrial matter?" + +"Did Isaiah reside in the Berkeley Square, sir?" + +"I fancy not. Still--" + +"I fancy not, too," rejoined Malkiel. "Nor Bernard Wilkins either, or +any prophet that ever I heard of. Why, even Jesse Jones lives off +Perkin's Road, Wandsworth Common, though he does keep a sitting-room in +Berners Street just to see his clients in, and he is a very low-class +person, even for a prophet. No, no, sir, Madame is quite right. She +married me despite the damning--yes, I say, sir, the damning fact that +I was a prophet--" here Malkiel the Second brought down one of the +dogskin gloves with violence upon the rickety parlour table--"but +before ever we went to the Registrar's she made me take a solemn oath. +What was it, do you say?" + +"Yes, I do," said Hennessey, leaning forward and gazing into Malkiel's +long and excited face round which the heavy mat of pomaded hair +vibrated. + +"It was this, sir--to mix with no prophets so long as we both should +live. Prophets, she truly said, are low-class, even dirty, persons. +Their parties, their 'at homes' are shoddy. They live in fourth-rate +neighbourhoods. They burn gas and sit on horsehair. Only in rare cases +do they have any bathroom in their houses. Their influence would be bad +for the children when they begin to grow up. How could Corona make her +/debut/"--Malkiel pronounced it debbew--"in prophetic circles? How +could she come out in Drakeman's Villas, Tooting, or dance with such +young fellers as frequent Hagglin's Buildings, Clapham Rise? How could +she do it, sir?" + +"I don't know, I'm sure," gasped the Prophet. + +"Nor I, sir, nor I," continued Malkiel, with unabated fervour. "And +it's the same with Capricornus. My boy shall not be thrown in with +prophets. Did Malkiel the First start the /Almanac/ for that? Did he +foster it till it went from the poor servant girl's attic into the +gilded apartments of the aristocracy and lay even upon Royal tables for +that? Did he, I say?" + +"I haven't an idea," said the Prophet. + +"He did not, sir. And I--I myself"--he arranged the diamond pin in his +white satin tie with an almost imperial gesture--"have not followed +upon the lines he laid down without imbibing, as I may truly say, the +lofty spirit that guided him, the lofty social spirit, as Madame calls +it. There have been other prophets, I know. There are other prophets. I +do not attempt to deny it. But where else than here, sir"--the dogskin +glove lay upon the breast of the chocolate brown frock coat--"where +else than here will you find a prophet who hides his identity beneath +an /alias/, who remains, as Madame always says, /perdew/, and who +conducts his profession on honourable and business-like lines? Am I +dressed like a prophet?" He suddenly brought his doubled fist down upon +the Prophet's knee. + +"No," cried Hennessey. "Certainly not!" + +"Why, sir, how can I be when I tell you that Merriman & Saxster of +Regent Street are my tailors, and have been since my first pair of +trouserings? Do I bear myself prophetically? I think you will agree +that I do not when you know that I am frequently mistaken for an +outside broker--yes, sir, and that this has even happened upon the pier +at Margate. You have seen my demeanour at Jellybrand's. You saw me come +into the library. You saw my manner with Frederick Smith. Was it +assuming? Did I lord it over the lad?" + +"Certainly not." + +"No. I might have been anybody, any ordinary person living in Grosvenor +Place, or, like yourself, in the Berkeley Square. And so it ever is. +Other prophets there are--possibly men of a certain ability even in +that direction--but there is only one Malkiel, only one who attends +strictly to business, who draws a good income from the stars, sir, and +satisfies the public month in, month out, without making a fuss about +it. Wait a few years, sir, only wait!" + +"Certainly," said the Prophet. "I will." + +"Wait till the children are grown up. Wait till Capricornus has got his +Latin by heart and gone to Oxford. Then, and only then, you will know +whether Malkiel the Second is the exception to the rule of prophets. +Yes, and Madame shall know it, too. She trusted me, sir, as only a +woman can. She knew I was a prophet and had a prophet for a father +before me. And yet she trusted me. It was a daring thing to do. Many +would call it foolhardy. Wouldn't they, sir?" + +The dogskin glove was raised. The Prophet hastened to reply,-- + +"I daresay they would." + +"But she was not afraid, and she shall have her reward. Corona shall +never set foot in Drakeman's Villas, nor breathe the air of Hagglin's. +I must have a glass of water, I must, sir, indeed." + +He gasped heavily and was about to rise, when the Prophet said: + +"Join me in a glass of wine." + +"I should be delighted," Malkiel answered. "Delighted, I'm sure, but I +doubt whether Jellybrand's--" + +"Could not Frederick Smith go out and fetch us a--a pint bottle of +champagne?" said the Prophet, playing a desperate card in the prophetic +game. + +An expression almost of joviality overspread the tragic farce of +Malkiel's appearance. + +"We'll see," he answered, opening the deal door. "Frederick Smith!" + +"Here, Mr. Sagittarius," cried the soprano voice of the young +librarian. + +"Can you leave the library for a moment, Frederick Smith?" + +The Prophet held up a sovereign over Malkiel the Second's narrow +shoulder. + +"Yes, Mr. Sagittarius, for half a mo!" + +"Ah! Where is the nearest champagne, Frederick Smith?" + +"The nearest--" + +"Champagne, I said, Frederick Smith." + +"I daresay I could get a dozen at Gillow's next the rabbit shop," +replied the young librarian, thoughtfully. + +The Prophet shuddered to the depths of his being, but he was now +embarked upon his enterprise and must crowd all sail. + +"Go to Gillow's," he exclaimed, with an assumption of feverish +geniality, "and bring back a couple of rabbits--I mean bottles. They +must be dry. You understand?" + +The young librarian looked out of the window. + +"Oh, I'll manage that, sir. It ain't raining," he replied carelessly. + +The Prophet stifled a cry of horror as he pressed the sovereign into +the young librarian's hand. + +"You can keep the change," he whispered, adding in a tremulous voice, +"Tell me--tell me frankly--do you think in your own mind that there +will be any?" + +"I don't know about in my own mind," rejoined the young librarian, +drawing a tweed cap from some hidden recess beneath the counter. "But +if you only want two bottles I expect there'll be ten bob over." + +The Prophet turned as pale as ashes and had some difficulty in +sustaining himself to the parlour, where he and Malkiel the Second sat +down in silence to await the young librarian's return. Frederick Smith +came back in about five minutes, with an ostentatious-looking bottle +smothered in gold leaf under each arm. + +"There was four shillings apiece to pay, sir," he remarked to the +Prophet as he placed them upon the table. "I got the 'our own make' +brand with the 'creaming foam' upon the corks." + +The Prophet bent his head. He was quite unable to speak, but he signed +to the young librarian to open one of the bottles and pour its contents +into the two tumblers of thick and rather dusty glass that Jellybrand's +kept for its moments of conviviality. Malkiel the Second lifted the +goblet to the window and eyed the beaded nectar with an air of almost +rakish anticipation. + +"Ready, sir?" he said, turning to the Prophet, who, with a trembling +hand, followed his example. + +"Quite--ready," said the Prophet, shutting his eyes. + +"Then," rejoined Malkiel the Second in a formal voice, "here's luck!" + +He held the tumbler to his lips, waiting for the Prophet's reply to +give the signal for a unanimous swallowing of the priceless wine. + +"Luck," echoed the Prophet in a faltering voice. + +As he gradually recovered his faculties, he heard Malkiel the Second +say, with an almost debauched accent,-- + +"That puts heart into a man. I shall give Gillows an order. Leave us, +Frederick Smith, and remember that Miss Minerva is on no account to be +let in here till this gentleman and I have finished the second bottle." + +The Prophet could not resist a wild movement of protest, which was +apparently taken by the young librarian as a passionate gesture of +dismissal. For he left the room rapidly and closed the door with +decision behind him. + +"And now, sir, I am at your service," said Malkiel the Second, +courteously. "Let me pour you another glass of wine." + +The Prophet assented mechanically. It seemed strange to have to die so +young, and with so many plans unfulfilled, but he felt that it was +useless to struggle against destiny and he drank again. Then he heard a +voice say,-- + +"And now, sir, I am all attention." + +He looked up. He saw the parlour, the ground glass of the door, the +tumblers and bottles on the table, the sharp features and strained, +farcical eyes of Malkiel framed in the matted, curling hair. Then all +was not over yet. There was something still in store for him. He sat +up, pushed the creaming four-shilling foam out of his sight, turned to +his interlocutor, and with a great effort collected himself. + +"I want to consult you," he began, "about my strange powers." + +Malkiel smiled with easy irony. + +"Strange powers in Berkeley Square!" he ejaculated. "The Berkeley +Square! But go on, sir. What are they?" + +"Having been led to study the stars," continued the Prophet with more +composure and growing earnestness, "I felt myself moved to make a +prophecy." + +"Weather forecast, I suppose," remarked Malkiel, laconically. + +"How did you know that?" + +"The easiest kind, sir, the number one beginner's prophecy. Capricornus +used to tell Madame what the weather'd be as soon as he could talk. But +go on, sir, go on, I beg." + +The Prophet began to feel rather less like Isaiah, but he continued, +with some determination,-- + +"If that had been all, I daresay I should have thought very little of +the matter." + +"No, you wouldn't sir. Who thinks their first baby a little one? Can +you tell me that?" + +The Prophet considered the question for a moment. Then he answered,-- + +"Perhaps you're right." + +"Perhaps so," rejoined Malkiel, indulgently. "Well, sir, what was your +next attempt--in the Berkeley Square?" + +The Prophet's sensitive nature winced under the obvious irony of the +interrogation, but either the "creaming foam" had rendered him +desperate, or he was to some extent steeled against the satire by the +awful self-respect which had invaded him since Mrs. Merillia's +accident. In any case he answered firmly,-- + +"Malkiel the Second, in Berkeley Square I had a relation--an honoured +grandmother." + +"You've the better of me there, sir. My parents and Madame's are all in +Brompton Cemetery. Well, sir, you'd got an honoured grandmother in the +Berkeley Square. What of it?" + +"She was naturally elderly." + +"And you predicted her death and she passed over. Very natural too, +sir. The number two beginner's prophecy. Why, Corona--" + +But at this point the Prophet broke in. + +"Excuse me," he said in a scandalised voice, "excuse me, Malkiel the +Second, she did nothing of the kind. Whatever my faults may be--and +they are many, I am aware--I--I--" + +He was greatly moved. + +"Take another sup of wine, sir. You need it," said Malkiel. + +The Prophet mechanically drank once more, grasping the edge of the +table for support in the endurance of the four-bob ecstasy. + +"You prophesied it and she didn't pass over, sir," continued Malkiel, +with unaffected sympathy. "I understand the blow. It's cruel hard when +a prophecy goes wrong. Why, even Madame--" + +But at this point the Prophet broke in. + +"You are mistaken," he cried. "Utterly mistaken." + +Malkiel the Second drew himself up with dignity. + +"In that case I will say no more," he remarked, pursing up his lengthy +mouth and assuming a cast-iron attitude. + +The Prophet perceived his mistake. + +"Forgive me," he exclaimed. "It is my fault." + +"Oh, no, sir. Not at all," rejoined Malkiel, with icy formality. "Pray +let the fault be mine." + +"I will not indeed. But let me explain. My beloved grandmother still +lives, although I cast her horoscope and--" + +"Indeed! very remarkable!" + +"I mean--not although--but I thought I would cast her horoscope. And I +did so." + +"In the square?" asked Malkiel, with quiet, but piercing, irony. + +"Yes," said the Prophet, with sudden heat. "Why not?" + +Malkiel smiled with an almost paternal pity, as of a thoughtful father +gazing upon the quaint and inappropriate antics of his vacant child. + +"Why not, sir--if you prefer it?" he rejoined. "Pray proceed." + +The Prophet's face was flushed, either by the "creaming foam," or by +irritation, or by both. + +"Surely," he began, in a choking voice, "surely the stars are the same +whether they are looked at from Berkeley Square or from--from--or +from"--he sought passionately for a violent contrast--"from Newington +Butts," he concluded triumphantly. + +"I have not the pleasure to have ever observed my guides from the +neighbourhood of the Butts," said Malkiel, serenely. "But pray proceed, +sir. I am all attention. You cast your honoured grandmother's +horoscope--in the Berkeley Square." + +The Prophet seized his glass, but some remnants of his tattered self- +control still clung to him, and he put it down without seeking further +madness from its contents. + +"I did," he said firmly, even obstinately. "And I discovered--I say +discovered that she was going to have an accident while on an evening +expedition--or jaunt as you might perhaps prefer to call it." + +"I should certainly call it so--in the case of a lady who was an +honoured grandmother," said Malkiel the Second in assent. + +"Well, Malkiel the Second," continued the Prophet, recovering his +composure as he approached his /coup/, "my grandmother did have an +accident, as I foretold." + +"Did she have it in the square, sir?" asked Malkiel. + +"And what if she did?" cried the Prophet with considerable testiness. + +He was beginning to conceive a perfect hatred of the admirable +neighbourhood, which he had loved so well. + +"I merely ask for information, sir." + +"The accident did take place in the square certainly, and on the very +night for which I predicted it." + +Malkiel the Second looked very thoughtful, even morose. He poured out +another glass of champagne, drank it slowly in sips, and when the glass +was empty ran the forefinger of his right hand slowly round and round +its edge. + +"Can Madame be wrong?" he ejaculated at length, in a muffled voice of +meditation. "Can Madame be wrong?" + +The Prophet gazed at him with profound curiosity, fascinated by the +circular movement of the yellow dogskin finger, and by the inward +murmur--so acutely mental--that accompanied it. + +"Madame?" whispered the Prophet, drawing his cane chair noiselessly +forward. + +"Ah!" rejoined Malkiel, gazing upon him with an eye whose pupil seemed +suddenly dilated to a most preternatural size. "Can she have been wrong +all these many years?" + +"What--what about?" murmured the Prophet. + +Malkiel the Second leaned his matted head in his hands and replied, as +if to himself,-- + +"Can it be that a prophet should live in Berkeley Square--not +Kimmins's"--here he raised his head, and raked his companion with a +glance that was almost fierce in its fervour of inquiry--"not Kimmins's +but--the Berkeley Square?" + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE SECRET WATERS OF THE RIVER MOUSE + +To this question the Prophet could offer no answer other than a bodily +one. He silently presented himself to the gaze of Malkiel, +instinctively squaring his shoulders, opening out his chest, and +expanding his nostrils in an effort to fill as large a space in the +atmosphere of the parlour as possible. And Malkiel continued to regard +him with the staring eyes of one whose mind is seething with strange, +upheaving thoughts and alarming apprehensions. Mutely the Prophet +swelled and mutely Malkiel observed him swell, till a point was reached +from which further progress--at least on the Prophet's part--was +impossible. The Prophet was now as big as the structure of his frame +permitted him to be, and apparently Malkiel realised the fact, for he +suddenly dropped his eyes and exclaimed,-- + +"This matter must be threshed out thoroughly, Madame herself would wish +it so." + +He paused, drew his chair nearer to the Prophet's, took off a glove and +continued,-- + +"Sir, you may be a prophet. You may have prophesied correctly in the +Berkeley Square. But if you are, and if you have, remember this--that +you have proved the self-sacrifice, the privation, the denial, the +subterfuge, the /mask/, and the position of Sagittarius Lodge in its +own grounds beside the River Mouse at Crampton St. Peter, N.--N., I +said, sir--totally and entirely unnecessary. I will go further, sir, +and I will say more. You have not only done that. You have also proved +the sacred instinct of a woman, a respectable married woman--such as we +must all reverence--false and deceived. Remember this, sir, remember +all this, then search yourself thoroughly and say whether what you have +told me is strictly true." + +"I assure you--" began the Prophet, hastily. + +But Malkiel sternly interrupted him. + +"Search yourself, sir, I beg!" he cried. + +"But upon my honour--" + +"Hush, sir, hush! I beg, nay, I insist, that you search yourself +thoroughly before you answer this momentous question." + +The Prophet felt rather disposed to ask whether Malkiel expected him to +examine his pockets and turn out his boots. However, he sat still while +Malkiel drew out a large gold watch, held it solemnly in his hand for a +couple of minutes and then returned it to the waistcoat. + +"Now, sir," he said. + +"I assure you," said the Prophet, "on my honour that all I have said is +strictly true." + +"And took place in the Berkeley Square?" + +"And took place in the Berkeley Square." + +Malkiel nodded morosely. + +"It may have been chance," he said. "A weather forecast and an honoured +grandmother may have been mere luck. Still it looks bad--very bad." + +He sighed heavily, and seemed about to fall into a mournful reverie +when the Prophet cried sharply,-- + +"Explain yourself, Malkiel the Second. You owe it to me to explain +yourself. Why should my strange gift--" + +"If you have it, sir," interrupted Malkiel, quickly. + +"If I have it, very well--affect you? Why should it render the self- +sacrifice and--and the position of--of Sagittarius Lodge on the river-- +the river--what river did you say--?" + +"The River Mouse," rejoined Malkiel in a muffled voice, and shaking his +head sadly. + +"Exactly--on the River Mouse at Crompton--" + +"Crampton." + +"Crampton St. Peter total--" + +"N.!" + +"What?" + +"Crampton St. Peter. N. That is the point." + +"Very well--Crampton St. Peteren, totally and entirely unnecessary?" + +"You desire my revelation, sir? You desire to enter into the bosom of a +family that hitherto has dwelt apart, has lain as I may say /perdew/ +beside the secret waters of the River Mouse? Is it indeed so?" + +"Oh, I beg your pardon," cried the Prophet, hastily. "I would not for +the world intrude upon--" + +"Those hallowed precincts! Well, perhaps you have the right. +Jellybrand's has betrayed me to you. You know my name, my profession. +Why should you not know more? Perhaps it is better so." + +With the sudden energy of a man who is reckless of fate he seized his +goblet, poured into it at least a shilling's worth of "creaming foam," +drained it to the dregs and, shaking back his matted hair with a +leonine movement of the head, exclaimed,-- + +"Malkiel the First, who founded the /Almanac/, lay /perdew/ all his +life." + +"Beside the secret waters of the River Mouse?" the Prophet could not +help interposing. + +"No, sir. He would never have gone so far as that. But he lived and +died in Susan Road beside the gas-works. He was a great man." + +"I'm sure he was," said the Prophet, heartily. + +"He wished me to live and die there too," said Malkiel. "But there are +limits, sir, even to the forbearance of women. Madame was affected, +painfully affected, by the gas, sir. It stank in her nostrils--to use a +figure. And then there was another drawback that she could not get +over." + +"Indeed!" + +"The sweeps, sir." + +"I beg your pardon!" said the Prophet. + +"I said--the sweeps." + +"I heard you--well?" + +"Being the only people that were not, in the whole road, made for +loneliness, sir." + +The Prophet was entirely /bouleverse/. + +"I'm afraid I'm very stupid, but really I--" he began. + +"Is it possible that you live in London, sir, and are not aware that +Susan Road lies in the most sought-after portion of the sweeps' +quarter?" said Malkiel, with pitying amazement. + +The Prophet blushed with shame. + +"I beg your pardon. Of course--I understand. Pray go on." + +"It made for loneliness, sir." + +"Naturally." + +"Their hours were not our hours. And then the professional colour! +Madame said it was like living among the Sandwich Islanders. And so, to +an extent, it was. My father had left a very tidy bit of money--a very +tidy bit indeed, and we resolved to move. But where? That was the +problem. For I was not as other men. I could not live like them--in the +Berkeley Square." + +He smiled with mournful superiority and continued,-- + +"At least I thought so then, and have done till to-day. Prophets--so my +father believed, and so Madame--must be connected with the suburbs or +with outlying districts. They must not, indeed they cannot, be properly +prophetic within the radius. A central atmosphere would reduce them to +the level of the conjuror or the muscular suggestionist. Malkiel the +First, my father, was born himself in Peckham, and met my mother when +coming through the rye." + +He brushed aside a tear that flowed at this almost rustic recollection, +and continued,-- + +"Yet Madame was wishful, and I was wishful too, that the children--if +we had any--should not grow up Eastern. It was a natural and a +beautiful desire, sir, was it not?" + +"Oh, very," replied the Prophet, considerably confused. + +"The habits and manners of the East, you see, sir, are not always in +strict accordance with propriety. Are they?" + +Before the Prophet had time to realise that this question was merely +rhetorical, he began,-- + +"From what Professor Seligman says in his /The Inner History of +Baghdad/, I feel sure--" + +"Nor are the customs of the East quite what many a clergyman would +approve of," continued Malkiel. "Yet even this was not what weighed +most with Madame." + +"What was it then?" inquired the Prophet, deeply interested. + +"Sir, it was the Eastern language." + +"Ah!" + +"Could we let our children learn to speak it? Could we bear to launch +them in life, handicapped, weighed down by such a tongue? Could we do +this?" + +Again the Prophet mistook the nature of the question, and was led to +reply,-- + +"Certainly English children speaking only Arabic might well be at some +loss in ordinary conver--" + +"We could not, sir. It was impossible. So we resolved to go to the +north of London and to avoid Whitechapel at whatever cost." + +"Whitechapel!" almost cried the Prophet. + +"This determination it was, sir, that eventually led our steps to the +borders of the River Mouse." + +"Oh, really!" + +"You know it, sir?" + +"Not personally." + +"But by repute, of course?" + +"No doubt, no doubt," stammered the Prophet, who had in fact never +before heard of this celebrated flood. + +"That poor governess, sir, last August--you recollect?" + +"Ah, indeed!" murmured the Prophet, a trifle incoherently. + +"And then the mad undertaker in the autumn," continued Malkiel, with +conscious pride; "he floated past our very door." + +"Did he really?" + +"Singing his swan song, no doubt, poor feller, as Madame said after she +read about it in the paper. There were the grocer's twins as well, just +lately. But they will be fresh in your memory." + +Before the Prophet had time to state whether this was so or not Malkiel +proceeded,-- + +"Well, sir, as soon as Madame and I had come to the Mouse we resolved +that we could do no better than that. It was salubrious, it was +retired, and it was N." + +"You said--?" + +"N., sir." + +"But what is en?" + +"Sir?" + +The Prophet had grown very red, but he was seized by the desperation +that occasionally attacks ignorance, and renders it, for a moment, +determinedly explicit. + +"I ask you what does en mean? I am, I fear, a very ill-informed person, +and I really don't know." + +"Think of an envelope, sir," said Malkiel, with gentle commiseration. +"Well, are you thinking?" + +The Prophet grew purple. + +"I am--but it is no use. Besides, why on earth should I think of an +envelope? I beg you to explain." + +"North, sir, the northern postal district of the metropolis. Fairly +simple that--I think, sir." + +"N.!" cried the illuminated Prophet. "I see. I was thinking of en all +the time. I beg your pardon. Please go on. N.--of course!" + +Malkiel concealed a smile, just sufficiently to make its existence for +an instant vitally prominent, and continued,-- + +"By the Mouse we resolved to build a detached residence such as would +influence suitably the minds of the children--should we have any. For +we had resolved, sir, by that time that with me the /Almanac/ should +cease." + +Here Malkiel leaned forward upon the deal table and lowered his voice +to an impressive whisper. + +"Yes, sir, it had come to that. We all have our ambitions and that was +mine." + +"Good Heavens!" said the Prophet. "Malkiel's /Almanac/ cease! But why? +Such a very useful institution!" + +"Useful! More than that, sir, sublime! There's nothing like it." + +"Then why let it cease?" + +"Because the social status of the prophet, sir, is not agreeable to +myself or Madame. I've had enough of it, sir, already, and I'm barely +turned of fifty. Besides, my father would have wished it, I feel sure, +had he lived in these days. Had he seen Sagittarius Lodge, the +children, and how Madame comports herself, he would have recognised +that the family was destined to rise into a higher sphere than that +occupied by any prophet, however efficient. Besides, I will not deceive +you, I have made money. In another ten years' time, when I have laid by +sufficient, I tell you straight, sir, that I shall go out of prophecy, +right out of it." + +"Then your Capricor--that is your son--will not carry on the--" + +"Capricornus a prophet, sir!" cried Malkiel. "Not if Madame and I know +it. No, sir, Capricornus is to be an architect." + +As Malkiel pronounced the last words he flung his black overcoat wide +open with an ample gesture, thrust one hand into his breast, and +assumed the fixed and far-seeing gaze of a man in a cabinet photograph. +He seemed lost to his surroundings, and rapt by some great vision of +enchanted architects, busy in drawing plans of the magic buildings of +the future ages. The Prophet felt that it would be impious to disturb +him. Malkiel's reverie was long, and indeed the two prophets might well +have been sitting in Jellybrand's parlour now, had not a violent sneeze +called for the pink assistance of the flight of storks, and brought the +sneezer down to the level of ordinary humanity. + +"Yes, sir--I give you my word Capricornus is to be an architect," +repeated Malkiel. "What do you say to that?" + +"Is it--is it really a better profession than that of prophecy?" asked +the Prophet, rather nervously. + +Malkiel smiled mournfully. + +"Sir, it may not be more lucrative, but it is more select. Madame will +not mix with prophets, but she has a 'day,' sir, on the banks of the +Mouse, and she has gathered around her a very pleasant and select +little circle." + +"Indeed." + +"Yes, sir. Architects and their wives. You understand?" + +"Quite," rejoined the Prophet, "quite." + +Under the mesmeric influence of Malkiel he began to feel as if +architects were some strange race of sacred beings set apart, denizens +of some holy isle or blessed nook of mediaeval legend. Would he ever +meet them? Would he ever encounter one ranging unfettered where flowed +the waters of the River Mouse? + +"They do not know who we are, sir," continued Malkiel, furtively. "To +them and to the whole world--excepting Jellybrand's and you--we are the +Sagittariuses of Sagittarius Lodge, people at ease, sir, living upon +our competence beside the Mouse. They do not see the telescope, sir, in +the locked studio at the top of the lodge. They do not know why +sometimes, on Madame's 'Wednesdays,' I am pale--with sitting up on +behalf of the /Almanac/. For Capricornus's sake and for Corona's all +this is hid from the world. Madame and I are the victims of a double +life. Yes, sir, for the children's sake we have never dared to let it +be known what I really am." + +Suddenly he began to grow excited. + +"And now," he cried, "after all these years of secrecy, after all these +years of avoiding the central districts--in which Madame longs to live +--after all these years of seclusion beyond the beat even of the buses, +do you come here to me, and search yourself and say upon your oath that +a prophet can live and be a prophet in the Berkeley Square, that he can +read the stars with Gunter's just opposite, ay, and bring out an +almanac if he likes within a shilling fare of the Circus? If this is +so"--he struck the deal table violently with his clenched fist--"of +what use are the sacrifices of myself and Madame? Of what use is it to +live under a modest name such as Sagittarius, when I might be Malkiel +the Second to the whole world? Of what use to flee from W. and dwell +perpetually in N.? Why, if what you say is true, we might leave the +Mouse to-morrow and Madame could pop in and out of the Stores just like +any lady of pleasure." + +At the thought of this so long foregone enchantment Malkiel's emotion +completely overcame him, his voice died away, overborne by a violent +fit of choking, and he sat back in his cane chair trembling in every +limb. The Prophet was deeply moved by his emotion, and longed most +sincerely to assuage it. But his deep and growing conviction of his own +power rendered him useless as a comforter. He could not lie. He could +not deny that he was a prophet. He could only say, in his firmest +voice,-- + +"Malkiel the Second, be brave. You must see this thing through." + +On hearing these original and noble words Malkiel lifted up his marred +countenance. + +"I know it, sir, I know it," he answered. "One moment. The thought of +Madame--the Stores--I--of all that might perhaps have been--" + +He choked again. The Prophet looked away. A strong man's emotion is +always very scared and very terrible. Three minutes swept by, then the +Prophet heard a calm and hollow voice say,-- + +"And now, sir, to business." + +The Prophet looked up, and perceived that Malkiel's overcoat was +tightly buttoned and that his mouth was tightly set in an expression of +indomitable, though tragic, resolution. + +"What business?" asked the Propet. + +"Mine," replied Malkiel. "Mine, sir, and yours. You have chosen to +enter my life. You cannot deny that. You cannot deny that I sought to +avoid--I might even say to dodge you." + +With the remembrance of the recent circus performance in the library +still strong upon him the Prophet could not. He bowed his head. + +"Very well, sir. You have chosen to enter my life. That act has given +me the right to enter yours. Am I correct?" + +"I suppose--I mean--yes, you are," answered the Prophet, overwhelmed by +the pitiless logic of his companion, and wondering what was coming +next. + +"I have been forced--I think I may say that--to reveal myself to you, +sir. Nothing can ever alter that. Nothing can ever take from you the +knowledge--denied by Madame to the very architects--of who I really am. +You have told me, sir, that I must see this thing through. I tell you +now, at this table, in this parlour, that I intend to see it through-- +and through." + +As Malkiel said the last words he gazed at the Prophet with eyes that +seemed suddenly to have taken on the peculiar properties of the gimlet. +The Prophet began to feel extremely uneasy. But he said nothing. He +felt that there was more to come. And he was right. + +"It is my duty," continued Malkiel, in a louder voice, "my sacred duty +to Madame--to say nothing of Corona and Capricornus--to probe you to +the core"--here the Prophet could not resist a startled movement of +protest--"and to search you to the quick." + +"Oh, really!" cried the Prophet. + +"This duty I shall carry out unflinchingly," pursued Malkiel, "at +whatever cost to myself. This will not be our last interview. Do not +think it." + +"I assure you," inserted the Prophet, endeavouring vainly to seem at +ease, "I do not wish to think it." + +"It matters little whether you wish to do so or not," continued +Malkiel, with an increasingly Juggernaut air. "The son of Malkiel the +First is not a man to be trifled with or dodged. Moreover, much more +than the future of myself and family depends upon what you really are. +From this day forth you will be bound up with the /Almanac/." + +"Merciful Heavens!" ejaculated the Prophet, unable, intrepid as he was, +to avoid recoiling when he found himself thus suddenly confronted with +the fate of an appendix. + +"For why should it ever cease?" proceeded Malkiel, with growing +passion. "Why--if a prophet can live, as you declare, freely and openly +in the Berkeley Square? If this is so, why should I not remove, along +with Madame and family, from the borders of the Mouse and reside +henceforth in a central situation such as I should wish to reside in? +Why should not Capricornus eventually succeed me in the /Almanac/ as I +succeeded Malkiel the First? Already the boy shows the leanings of a +prophet. Hitherto Madame and I have endeavoured to stifle them, to turn +them in an architectural direction. You understand?" + +"I am trying to," stammered the Prophet. + +"Hitherto we have corrected the boy's table manners when they have +become too like those of the average prophet--as they often have--for +hitherto we have had reason to believe that all prophets--with the +exception of myself--were dirty, deceitful and essentially suburban +persons. But if you are a prophet we have been deceived. Trust me, sir, +I shall find speedy means to pierce you to the very marrow." + +The Prophet began mechanically to feel for his hat. + +"Are you desirous of anything, sir?" said Malkiel, sharply. + +"No," said the Prophet, wondering whether the moment had arrived to +throw off all further pretence of bravery and to shout boldly for the +assistance of the young librarian. + +"Then why are you feeling about, sir? Why are you feeling about?" + +"Was I?" faltered the Prophet. + +"You are looking for another glass of wine, perhaps?" + +"No, indeed," said the Prophet, desperately. "For anything but that." + +But Malkiel, moved by some abruptly formed resolution, called suddenly +in a powerful voice,-- + +"Frederick Smith!" + +"Here, Mr. Sagittarius!" cried the young librarian, appearing with +suspicious celerity upon the parlour threshold. + +"Draw the cork of the second bottle, Frederick Smith," said Malkiel, +impressively. "This gentleman is about to take the pledge"--on hearing +this ironic paradox the Prophet stood up, very much in the attitude +formerly assumed by Malkiel when about to dodge in the library--"that I +shall put to him," concluded Malkiel, also standing up, and assuming +the library posture of the Prophet. + +Indeed the situation of the library seemed about to be accurately +reversed in the parlour of Jellybrand's. + +The young librarian assisted the cork to emerge phlegmatically from the +neck of the second bottle of champagne, mechanically smacking his lips +the while. + +"Now pour, and leave us, Frederick Smith." + +The young librarian helped the fatigued-looking wine into the two +glasses, where it lay as if thoroughly exhausted by the effort of +getting there, and then languidly left the parlour, turning his bulging +head over his shoulder to indulge in a pathetic /oeillade/ ere he +vanished. + +The Prophet watched him go. + +"Close the door, Frederick Smith," cried Malkiel, in a meaning manner. + +The Prophet blushed a guilty red, and the young librarian obeyed with a +bang. + +"And now, sir, I must request you to take a solemn pledge in this +vintage," said Malkiel, placing one of the tumblers in the Prophet's +trembling hand. + +"Really," said the Prophet, "I am not at all thirsty." + +"Why should you be, sir? What has that got to do with it?" retorted +Malkiel. "Lift your glass, sir." + +The Prophet obeyed. + +"And now take this pledge--that, till the last day--" + +"What day?" + +"The last day, sir, you will reveal to no living person that there is +such an individual as Malkiel, that you have ever met him, who he is, +or who Madame and family are, unless I give the word. You have +surprised my secret. You have forced yourself upon me. You owe me this. +Drink!" + +Mechanically the Prophet drank. + +"Swear!" + +Mechanically--indeed almost like a British working man--the Prophet +swore. + +Malkiel drained his tumbler, and drew on the dogskin glove which, in +the agitation of a previous moment, he had thrown aside. + +"I have your card, sir, here is mine. I shall now take the train to the +River Mouse, on whose banks I shall confer at once with Madame. Till I +have done this I cannot tell you what form the tests I shall have to +apply to you will take. When I have done it you will hear from me. Your +servant, sir." + +He bowed majestically, and was turning towards the door when it was +hastily opened and a lady appeared frantically in the aperture. + + + +CHAPTER V + +MALKIEL THE SECOND POISONS MISS MINERVA + +"Miss Minerva!" exclaimed Malkiel the Second. + +"Lady Enid!" cried the Prophet, at the same moment. + +"You can't go in there, Miss Partridge!" ejaculated the young +librarian, simultaneously, from the further room. + +The lady, a tall girl of twenty-two, with grey eyes, dark smooth hair, +and a very agreeable, though slightly Scottish, mouth, began to behave +rather like a stag at bay. She panted, and looked wildly round as if +meditating how, and in what direction, she could best bolt. + +"What's the matter?" cried the Prophet, his voice becoming not a little +piercing from surprise and his previous stress of agitation. + +"You can't go in there, Miss Minerva," requested the young librarian, +who had now gained the parlour threshold, and who seemed about to take +up a very determined stand thereon. + +"I must go in--I must," said the lady, in a mellow, but again slightly +Scottish, voice. "Don't tell anybody I'm here, or you'll be sorry." + +And, with these words, she bounded into the parlour and banged the door +on the young librarian. The Prophet opened his lips preparatory to a +third wild exclamation. + +"Hush!" the lady hissed aristocratically. + +She shook her head vigourously at him, sank down on one of the cane +chairs, held up her right hand, and leant towards the door. It was +obvious that she was listening for something with strained attention, +and so eloquent was her attitude that the two prophets were infected +with her desire. They turned their eyes mechanically towards the deal +door and listened too. For a moment there was silence. Then a heavy +footstep resounded upon the library floor, accompanied by the sharp tap +of a walking stick. The lady's attitude became more tense and the +pupils of her handsome grey eyes dilated. + +"Has a young female just entered this shop?" said a very heavy and +rumbling voice. + +"This ain't a shop, sir," replied the high soprano of the young +librarian, indignantly. + +"Bandy no words with me, thou infamous malapert!" returned the first +voice. "But answer my question. Have you a young female concealed +within these loathsome precincts?" + +Under ordinary circumstances it is very possible that the young +librarian might have betrayed the lady as he had already betrayed +Malkiel the Second. But it happened that there existed upon the earth +one object, and one object only, towards which he felt a sense of +chivalry. This object was Jellybrand's Library. His reply to the voice +was therefore as follows, and was delivered in his highest key and with +extreme volubility and passion:-- + +"Loathsome precincts yourself! You're a nice one, you are, chasing +respectable ladies about at your age. There ain't no young females in +the library, and if there was I shouldn't trot 'em out for you to clap +your ugly old eyes on. Now then, out yer go. No more words about it. +Out yer go!" + +A prolonged sound of hard breathing and of feet scraping violently upon +bare boards followed upon this deliverance, complicated by the sharp +snap of a breaking walking stick, the thump of a falling chair, a bang +as of a heavy body encountering firm resistance from some inflexible +article of furniture--probably a bookcase--and finally a tremendous +thundering, as of the hoofs of a squadron of cavalry charging over a +parquet floor, the crash of a door, the grinding of a key swiftly +turning in a lock, and--silence. + +The lady, Malkiel the Second and the Prophet looked at one another, and +the lady opened her mouth. + +"D'you think he's killed him?" she whispered with considerable +curiosity. + +There came a distant noise of a torrent of knocks upon a door. + +"No, he hasn't," added the lady, arranging her dress. "That's a good +thing." + +The two prophets nodded. The torrent of knocks roared louder, slightly +failed upon the ear, made a crescendo, emulated Niagara, surpassed that +very American effort of nature, wavered, faltered to Lodore, died away +to a feeble tittup like water dropping from a tap to flagstones, rose +again in a final spurt that would have made Southey open his dictionary +for adjectives, and drained away to death. + +The lady leaned back. For the first time her composure seemed about to +desert her entirely. That fatal sign in woman, a working throat, +swallowing nothing with extreme rapidity and persistence, became +apparent. + +"A glass of wine, Miss Minerva?" cried Malkiel, gallantly. + +He placed a tumbler to her lips. She feebly sipped, than sprang to her +feet with a cry. + +"I'm poisoned!" + +"You never spoke a truer word," said the Prophet, solemnly. + +"What is it?" continued the lady, frantically. "What has he given me?" + +"Champagne at four shillings a bottle brought fresh from next door to a +rabbit shop," answered the Prophet, looking at Malkiel with almost +malignant satisfaction. + +The lady, who had gone white as chalk, darted to the door and flung it +open. + +"A glass of water!" she cried. "Get me a glass of water." + +The young librarian came forward with a black eye. + +"It's all right, ma'am. The gentleman's gone," he piped. + +"What gentleman? Give me a glass of water or I shall die!" + +The young librarian, who had already an injured air, proceeded from a +positive to a comparative condition of appearance. + +"Well, I never! What gentleman!" he exclaimed. "And me blue and black +all over, to say nothing of the bookcase and the new paint that'll be +wanted for the door!" + +"Can you chatter about trifles at such a moment?" cried the Prophet. +"Don't you see the lady's been poisoned?" + +"What--by the old gent?" returned the young librarian. "Then what does +she come to a library for? Why don't she go to a chemist?" + +The lady turned her agonised eyes upon the Prophet. + +"Take me to one," she whispered through pale lips. + +She tottered towards him and leaned upon his arm. + +"Trust me, trust me, I will," said the Prophet. "Direct me!" he added +to the young librarian. + +"There's one on the other side of the rabbit shop," said that worthy, +who had suddenly become exceedingly glum in manner and morose in +appearance. + +"Thank you. Kindly unlock the door." + +The young librarian did so, lethargically, and the lady and the Prophet +began to move slowly into the street. Just as they were gaining it +Malkiel the Second cried out,-- + +"One moment, sir!" + +"Not one," retorted the Prophet, firmly. "Not one till this lady has +had an antidote." + +He walked on with determination. Supporting the lady. But ere he got +quite out of earshot he caught these fragments of a shattered speech, +hurtling through the symphony of London noises:-- + +"Banks of the Mouse--Madame--sake of Capricor--be sure I--probe--quick +--search--the very core--hear from me--architects--marrow--almanac--the +last day--the Berkeley square--" + +The final ejaculation melted away into the somewhat powerful discord +produced by the impact of a brewer's dray with a runaway omnibus at the +corner of Greek Street, which was eventually resolved by the bursting +of a motor car--containing two bookmakers and an acting manager--which +mingled with them at the rate of perhaps forty miles an hour. + +"Yes, please, a hansom," said Lady Enid Thistle, some five minutes +later, as she and the Prophet stood together upon the kerb in front of +the rabbit shop. "I feel much better now." + +The Prophet hailed a hansom and handed her into it. + +"Which way are you going?" he asked. + +Lady Enid looked doubtful. + +"I ought to be going back to Jellybrand's," she said. "I had an +appointment. But really--you see Mr. Sagittarius is there, and +altogether--I don't know." + +She was obviously still upset by the "creaming foam," and the other +incidents of the afternoon. + +"Come to tea with grannie," said the Prophet. + +"She's at home?" + +"Yes. She's twisted her ankle." + +"Oh, I'm so sorry." + +"Let me escort you." + +"Thanks. I think I will." + +"You won't mind stopping for a moment at Hollings's?" said the Prophet, +in Piccadilly Circus. "I promised to buy some roses. Somebody is coming +in to tea." + +"On, no. But who is it?" + +"I don't know. Only one person, I think. An old friend, no doubt. +Probably the Central American Ambassador's grandfather." + +"Oh, if that's all! I feel a little shaky still." + +"Naturally." + +The Prophet bought the roses and they drove on. + +"It's very nice of you not to ask any questions," observed Lady Enid, +presently. + +The Prophet had been thinking it was, but he only said,-- + +"Oh, not at all." + +"I'm a woman," promised Lady Enid, "and I don't know whether I can be +so nice." + +The Prophet glanced at her and met her curious grey eyes. + +"Try--please," he replied very gently, thinking of the oath which he +had just taken. + +Lady Enid was silent for two minutes, then she remarked,-- + +"I have tried, but I can't succeed. Why on earth were you closeted in +the parlour--at my time, too--with Mr. Sagittarius this afternoon?" + +"Then you really are Miss Minerva Partridge? And it was really you who +had--had--well, 'bespoke' the parlour at half-past three?" + +"Certainly. Now we are neither of us nice, but we're both of us human." + +"There were some letters for you," said the Prophet. + +Lady Enid wrinkled her smooth, young, healthy-looking forehead. + +"How stupid of me! I'll fetch them to-morrow. Well?" + +She looked at the Prophet with obvious expectation. + +"I'm so sorry I can't tell you," he replied with gentle firmness. + +"Oh, all right," she rejoined. "But now I'm at a disadvantage. You know +I'm Miss Minerva." + +"Yes. But I don't know why you are, or why you go to Jellybrand's, or +why you rushed into the parlour, or who the old gentleman was that--" + +The cab stopped before Mrs. Merillia's house. + +In the hall, upon an oaken bench, they perceived a very broad-brimmed +top hat standing on its head. Beside it lay two pieces of a stout and +knobbly walking stick which had been broken in half. Lady Enid started +violently. + +"Good Heavens!" she cried. + +She picked up the walking stick, examined it, and laid it down. + +"I don't think I want any tea," she murmured. + +"I'm sure you do," said the Prophet, with some pressure. + +She stood still for a moment. Then, catching the attentive round eye of +Gustavus, who was waiting by the hall door, she shrugged her shoulders +and walked towards the staircase. + +"It's very hard lines," she murmured as she began to ascend: "all the +questions you wanted to ask are being answered. You know I'm Miss +Minerva already. In another minute you'll know who the old gentleman +was that--" + +The Prophet could tell from the expression of her straight, slightly +Scottish, back that she was pouting as she entered the drawing-room +where Mrs. Merillia was having tea with--somebody. + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE OLD ASTRONOMER DISCOURSETH OF THE STARS + +Never before had the Prophet felt so alive with curiosity as he did +when he followed Lady Enid into Mrs. Merillia's presence, for he knew +that he was about to see the venerable victim of the young librarian's +indignant chivalry, the "old gent" who had come to intimate terms with +Jellybrand's bookcase, and who had kicked and knocked at least a pint +of paint off Jellybrand's door. His eyes were large and staring as he +glanced swiftly from his grandmother's sofa to the huge telescope, +under whose very shadow was seated no less a personage than Sir Tiglath +Butt, holding a cup of tea on one hand and a large-sized muffin in the +other. + +No wonder the Prophet jumped. No wonder Mrs. Merillia cried out, in her +pretty, clear voice,-- + +"Take care of Beau, Hennessey! You're treading on him." + +The dachshund's pathetic shriek of outrage made the rafters ring. Mrs. +Merillia put her mittens to her ears, and Sir Tiglath dropped his +muffin into a jar of pot-pourri. + +"I beg your pardon," said the Prophet, earnestly. "Sir Tiglath--this is +indeed a sur--a pleasure." + +Lady Enid was being embraced by Mrs. Merillia. The Prophet extended his +hand to the astronomer, who, however, turned his back to the company +and, diving one of his enormous hands into the pot-pourri jar, began to +rummage violently for his vanished meal. + +"What is it?" said the Prophet, who had not seen the muffin go. "Can I +help you?" + +Still presenting his huge back and the purple nape of his fat neck to +the assemblage, the astronomer, after trying in vain to extract the +lost dainty in a legitimate manner, turned the jar upside down, and +poured the rose-leaves and the muffin in a heterogeneous libation upon +the Chippendale table. After a close examination of it he turned +around, holding up the food to whose buttered surface several leaves +adhered in a disordered, but determined, manner. + +"Only a Persian could devour this muffin now," he said, in his +rumbling, sing-song and strangely theatrical voice, which always +suggested that he was about to deliver a couple of hundred or so +lengths of blank verse. "Omar beneath his tree perchance, or Gurustu +who to Baghdad came with steed a-foam and eyes a-flame. Wherefore do +you trample upon hapless animals that are not dumb, young man, and +cause the poor astronomer to cast his muffin upon the roses, where, +mayhap, the housemaid might find it after many days? Oh-h-h-h!" + +He uttered a tremulous bass cry of mingled reproach and despair, that +sounded rather like the wail of some deplorable watchman upon a city +wall, shaking his enormous head at the Prophet the while, and flapping +his red hands slowly in the air. + +"How d'you do, Sir Tiglath?" said Lady Enid, coming up to him with +light carelessness. + +Sir Tiglath bowed. + +"Very ill, very ill," he rumbled, looking at her furtively with his +glassy eyes. "One has had an afternoon of tragedy, an afternoon of +brawling and of disturbance, in an avenue that shall henceforth be +called accursed." + +He sat down upon his armchair, with his short legs stuck straight out +and resting upon his heels alone, his hands folded across his stomach, +and his purple triple chin sunk in his elaborate, but very dusty, +cravat. Wagging his head to and fro, he added, with the heavy, +concluding tremolo that decorated most of his vocal efforts, "Thrice +accursed. Oh-h-h-h!" + +Lady Enid, who seemed to have quite recovered her self-possession, sat +down by Mrs. Merillia, while the Prophet, in some confusion, offered to +his grandmother the bunch of roses he had bought at Hollings's." + +"They're a little late, grannie, I'm afraid," he said. "But I was +unavoidably detained." + +Mrs. Merillia glanced at him sharply. + +"Detained, Hennessey! Then you found what you were seeking?" + +The Prophet remembered his oath and turned scarlet. + +"No, no, grannie," he murmured hastily, and looking like a criminal. "I +met Lady Enid," he added. + +"Where did you meet the lady, young man?" said Sir Tiglath. "Was it in +the accursed avenue?" + +Lady Enid shot a hasty glance of warning at the Prophet. Mrs. Merillia +intercepted it, and began to form fresh ideas of that young person, +whom she had formerly called sensible, but whom she now began to think +of as crafty. + +"Which avenue is that, Sir Tiglath?" asked the Prophet, with a rather +inadequate assumption of innocence. + +"The Avenue in which one beholds the perfidy darting into hidden +places, young man, in which the defenders of foolish virgins are +buffeted and browbeaten by counter-jumpers with craniums as big as the +great nebula of Orion. The avenue named after a crumbled +philanthropist, who could walk, sheeted, through the atrocious night +could his sacred dust awake to the abominations that are perpetrated +under the protection of his shadow. Let dragons lay it waste like the +highways of Babylon." + +He gathered up a crumpet, and blinked at Lady Enid, who was airily +sipping her tea with a slightly detached air of calm and maidenly +dignity. + +"I think Sir Tiglath must be describing Shaftesbury Avenue," remarked +Mrs. Merillia, rather mischievously. + +"Oh, really," stammered the Prophet, "I had no idea that it was such an +evil neighbourhood." + +"Where is Shaftesbury Avenue?" asked Lady Enid, gently folding a +fragment of thin bread and butter and nibbling it with her pretty +mouth. + +Sir Tiglath elevated his hands and rolled his eyes. + +"Where partridges are to be found in January, oh-h-h-h!" was his very +unexpected reply. + +The Prophet started violently, and even Lady Enid looked disconcerted +for a moment. + +"What do you mean, Sir Tiglath?" she said, recovering herself. + +She turned to Mrs. Merillia. + +"I wonder what he means," she said. "He never talks sensibly unless he +is in his observatory, or lecturing to the Royal Society on the +'Regularity of Heavenly Bodies,' or--" + +"The irregularities of earthly ones," interposed Sir Tiglath. "In the +accursed avenue--oh-h-h!" + +"I fear, Sir Tiglath, you must be a member of the Vigilance Society," +said Mrs. Merillia. + +"Yes. He looks at the morals of the stars through his telescope, said +Lady Enid. "By the way--do you, too?" she added to the Prophet, for the +first time observing the instrument in the bow window. + +Mrs. Merillia and Sir Tiglath exchanged a glance. An earnest expression +came into the Prophet's face. + +"I confess," he said, with becoming modesty in the presence of the +great master of modern astronomy, "that I do watch the heavens from +that window." + +"And for what purpose, young man?" rumbled Sir Tiglath, for the first +time dropping his theatrical manner of an old barn-stormer, and +speaking like any ordinary fogey, such as you may see at a meeting on +behalf of the North Pole, or at a dinner of the Odde Volumes. + +"For--for purposes of research, Sir Tiglath," answered the Prophet, +with some diplomacy. + +"The young man trieth to put off the old astronomer with fair words," +bellowed Sir Tiglath. "The thief inserteth his thumb into the tail +pocket of the unobservant archbishop for purposes of research. The +young man playeth merrily forsooth with the old astronomer." + +Mrs. Merillia nodded her lace cap at him encouragingly. It was evident +that there was an understanding between them. Lady Enid began to wonder +what was its nature. The Prophet seemed rather disconcerted at the +reception given to his not wholly artless ambiguity. + +"Grannie," he said, turning to Mrs. Merillia, "you know how deeply the +stars interest me." + +"For their own sake, young man?" said Sir Tiglath. "Or as the accursed +avenue interests the foolish virgins--for the sake of frivolity, idle +curiosity, or dark doings which could not support the light even of a +star of the sixth magnitude? Can you tell your admirable and revered +granddam that?" + +This time, underneath his preposterous manner and fantastic speech, +both Lady Enid and the Prophet fancied that they could detect an +element of real gravity, even perhaps a hint of weighty censure which +made them both feel very young--rising two, or thereabouts. + +"I was originally led to study stars, Sir Tiglath, because I had the +honour to meet you and make your acquaintance," said the Prophet, +valiantly. + +The astronomer lapsed at once into his first manner. + +"In what fair company did the old astronomer converse with the young +man?" he cried. "His memory faileth him. He doteth and cannot recall +the great occasion." + +"It was at the Colley Cibber Club, Sir Tiglath," said the Prophet, +firmly. "But we--we did not converse. You had a--a slight +indisposition." + +"Would you venture to imply--in the presence of your notable granddam-- +that one had looked upon the wine when it was red, young man?" + +"You had a glass of port by you certainly, Sir Tiglath. But you also +had a cold which, you gave me to understand--by signs--had affected +your throat and prevented you from carrying on conversation. + +"Then was it the vision of the old astronomer's personal and starry +beauty that led you, hot foot, to Venus through yonder telescope? +Oh-h-h-h!" + +"I did not take observations of Venus first," answered the Prophet, +with a certain proud reserve. "I began by an examination into 'The +Milky Way.' " + +Sir Tiglath impounded another crumpet. + +"Go on, young man," he cried. "The old astronomer lendeth ear." + +The Prophet, who felt very much like a nervous undergraduate undergoing +a /viva-voce/ examination, continued,-- + +"I became deeply interested, strongly attracted by the--the heavenly +bodies. They fascinated me. I could think of nothing else." + +Lady Enid's Scottish lips tightened almost imperceptibly. + +"I could talk of nothing else," proceeded the Prophet. "Could I, +grannie?" + +"No, indeed, Hennessey," assented Mrs. Merillia. "All other topics were +banished from discussion." + +"All," cried the Prophet, with increasing fervour and lack of self- +consciousness. "I could not tear myself from the telescope. I longed +for a perpetual night and found the day almost intolerably irksome." + +Sir Tiglath's brick-red countenance was irradiated with a smile that +did not lack geniality. + +"The old astronomer lendeth attentive ear to the young man's epic," he +roared, through the crumpet. "He approveth the young man's admiration +for the heavenly bodies. Go on." + +But at the last command the Prophet seemed suddenly to jib. The +reserved expression returned to his face. + +"That's all, Sir Tiglath," he said. + +The astronomer and Mrs. Merillia again exchanged a glance which was not +unobserved by Lady Enid. Then Sir Tiglath, with an abrupt and +portentous gravity, exclaimed in thunderous tones,-- + +"Sir, are you a man of science or have you the brain of a charlatan +enclosed in the fleshy envelope of a conjurer and a sinner? Do you +study the noble and beautiful stars for their own sakes to find out +what they are, and what they are doing, what is their nature and what +their place in the great scheme, or do you peek and pry at them through +the keyhole of a contemptible curiosity in order to discover what you +think they can do for you, to set you on high, to puff you out into a +personage and cause you to be noticed of the foolish ones of this +world? Which are you, sir, a young man of parts whose hand I can grasp +fraternally, or an insulter of planets, sir, a Peeping Tom upon the +glorious nudity of Venus, a Paul Pry squinting at the mysteries of +Mercury for an unholy and, what is more, an idiotic purpose? What do +you ask of the stars, sir? Tell the old astronomer that!" + +The Prophet was considerably taken aback by this tirade, which caused +the many ornaments in the pretty room to tremble. He gazed at his +grandmother, and found her nodding approval of Sir Tiglath. He glanced +at Lady Enid. She was leaning back in her chair and looking amused, +like a person at an entertainment. + +"What do I ask, Sir Tiglath?" he murmured in some confusion. + +"Do you ask about your reverent granddam's hallowed ankles, sir? Do you +afflict the stars with inquiries about the state of the ridiculous +weather? Is that it?" + +The Prophet understood that Mrs. Merillia had been frank with the +astronomer. He cast upon her a glance of respectful reproach. + +"Yes, Hennessey," she answered, "I have. My dear child, I thought it +for the best. This prophetic business would soon have been turning the +house upside down, and at my age I'm really not equal to living at +close quarters with a determined young prophet. To do so would upset +the habits of a lifetime. So Sir Tiglath knows all about it." + +There was a moment of silence, which was broken by the agreeable voice +of Lady Enid saying,-- + +"All about what? Remember, please, that I'm a young woman and that all +young women share one quality. All about what, please?" + +Mrs. Merillia looked at the Prophet. The Prophet looked at Sir Tiglath, +who wagged his great head and cried, with rolling pathos and rebuke,-- + +"Oh-h-h-h!" + +"Please--Mr. Vivian!" repeated Lady Enid, with considerable +determination. + +"Grannie means that I--that--well, that I have been enabled by the +stars to foretell certain future events," said the Prophet, glancing +rather furtively at Sir Tiglath while he spoke, to note the effect of +the desperate declaration." + +"Oh-h-h-h!" bellowed the distressed astronomer, shaking like a jelly in +his wrath. + +"What?" cried Lady Enid, in an almost piercing voice, and with a manner +that had suddenly become most animated. "What--like Malkiel's /Almanac/ +does?" + +This remark had a very striking effect upon Sir Tiglath, an effect +indeed so striking that it held Mrs. Merillia, Lady Enid and the +Prophet in a condition of paralytic expectation for at least three +minutes by the grandmother's clock in the corner of the drawing-room. + +The venerable astronomer was already very stout in person and very +inflamed in appearance. But at this point in the discourse he suddenly +became so very much stouter and so very much more inflamed, that his +audience of three gazed upon him rather as little children gaze upon +dough which has been set by the cook to "rise" and which is fulfilling +its mission with an unexpected, and indeed intemperate, vivacity. Their +eyes grew round, their features rigid, their hands tense, their +attitudes expectant. Leaning forward, they stared upon Sir Tiglath with +an unwinking fixity and preternatural determination that was almost +entirely infantine. And while they did so he continued slowly to expand +in size and to deepen in colour until mortality seemed to drop from +him. He ceased to be a man and became a phenomenon, a purple thing that +journeyed towards some unutterable end, portentous as marching +judgment, tragic as fate, searching as epidemic, and yet heavily +painted and generally touched up by the brush of some humorous demon, +such as lays about him in preparation for Christmas pantomime, sworn to +provide the giants' faces and the ogres' heads for Drury Lane. + +"Don't!" at last cried a young voice. "Don't, Sir Tiglath!" + +A peal of laughter followed the remark, of that laughter which is loud +and yet entirely without the saving grace of merriment, a mere sudden +demonstration of hysteria. + +"Oh, Sir Tiglath--don't!" + +A second laugh joined the first and rang up with it, older, but also +hysterical--Mrs. Merillia's. + +"No, no--please don't, Sir Tig--Tig--" + +A third laugh burst into the ring, seeming to complete it fatally--the +Prophet's. + +"Sir Tiglath--for Heaven's sake--don't!" + +The adjuration came from a trio of choked voices, and might have given +pause even to a descending lift or other inflexible and blind machine. + +But still the astronomer grew steadily more gigantic in person and more +like the god of wine in hue. The three voices failed, and the terrible, +united laughter was just upon the point of breaking forth again when a +diversion occurred. The door of the drawing-room was softly opened, and +Mrs. Fancy Quinglet appeared upon the threshold, holding in her hands +an ice-wool shawl for the comfort of her mistress. It chanced that as +the phenomenon of the astronomer was based upon a large elbow chair +exactly facing the door she was instantly and fully confronted by it. +She did not drop the shawl, as any ordinary maid would most probably +have done. Mrs. Fancy was not of that kidney. She did not even turn +tail, or give a month's warning or a scream. She was of those women +who, when they meet the inevitable, instinctively seem to recognise +that it demands courage as a manner and truth as a greeting. She, +therefore, stared straight at Sir Tiglath--much as she stared at Mrs. +Merillia when she was about to arrange that lady's wig for an assembly +--and remarked in a decisive, though very respectful, tone of voice,-- + +"The gentleman's about to burst, ma'am. I can't speak different nor +mean other." + +Upon finding their thoughts thus deftly gathered up and woven into a +moderately grammatical sentence, Mrs. Merillia, Lady Enid and the +Prophet experienced a sense of extraordinary relief, and no longer felt +the stern necessity of laughing. But this was not the miracle worked by +Mrs. Fancy. Had she, even then, rested satisfied with her acumen, +maintained silence and awaited the immediate fulfilment of her +prediction, what must have happened can hardly be in doubt. But she was +seized by that excess of bravery which is called foolhardiness, and +driven by it to that peculiar and thoughtless vehemence of action which +sometimes wins V.C.'s for men who, in later days, conceal amazement +under the cherished decoration. She suddenly laid down the ice-wool +shawl upon a neighbouring sociable, walked up to the phenomenon of the +astronomer, and remarked to it with great distinctness,-- + +"You're about to burst, sir. I know it, sir, and I can't know other." + +At this point the miracle happened, for, instead of responding to the +lady's-maid's appeal, and promptly disintegrating into his respective +atoms, Sir Tiglath suddenly became comparatively small and +comparatively pale, sat forward, wagged his head at Mrs. Fancy, and +rumbled out in his ordinary voice,-- + +"Have you never heard where liars go to, woman? Oh-h-h-h!" + +On finding that nothing of supreme horror was about to happen, Mrs. +Fancy's courage--as is the way of woman's courage--forsook her, she +broke into tears, and had to be immediately led forth to the servant's +hall by the Prophet, exclaiming persistently with every step they +took,-- + +"I can't help it, Master Hennessey. I say again as I said afore--the +gentleman's about to burst. Them that knows other let them declare it." + +"Yes, yes. It's all right, Fancy, it's all right. We all agree with +you. Now, now, you mustn't cry." + +"I can't--know--other, Master Hennessey, nor--mean different. I can't +indeed, Master Hennessey, I can't--know other--nor--" + +"No, no. Of course not. There, sit down and compose yourself." + +He gave the poor, afflicted liar tenderly into the care of the upper +housemaid, and retraced his steps quickly to the drawing-room. As he +entered it he heard Sir Tiglath saying,-- + +"The stars in their courses tremble when the accursed name of Malkiel +is mentioned, and the old astronomer is dissolved in wrath at sound of +the pernicious word. Oh-h-h-h!" + +"There, Hennessey!" cried Mrs. Merillia, turning swiftly to her +grandson with all her cap ribands fluttering. "You hear what Sir +Tiglath says?" + +"If that accursed name belonged to an individual," continued the +astronomer, waving his hands frantically over the last remaining +crumpet, "instead of representing a syndicate of ruffianly underground +criminals, the old astronomer, well stricken in years though he be, +would hunt him out of his hiding-place and slay him with his own feeble +and scientific hands." + +So saying, he grasped the crumpet as if it had been an assegai, and +assailed himself with it so violently that it entirely disappeared. + +"But Malkiel is an--" began Mrs. Merillia. + +The Prophet stopped her with a glance, whose almost terror-stricken +authority surprised her into silence. + +"But I thought Malkiel was a man," cried Lady Enid, looking towards the +Prophet. + +"He--for I will not foul my lips with the accursed name--is not a man," +roared Sir Tiglath. "He is a syndicate. He is a company. He meets +together, doubtless, in some low den of the city. He reads reports to +himself of the ill-gotten gains accruing from his repeated insults to +the heavens round some abominable table covered with green cloth. He +quotes the prices of the shares in him, and declares dividends, and +carries balances forward, and some day will wind himself up or cast +himself anew upon the mercy of the market. Part of him is probably Jew, +part South African and part America. The whole of him is thrice +accursed." + +He began to expand once more, but Mrs. Merillia perceived the tendency +and checked it in time. + +"Pray, Sir Tiglath," she said almost severely, "don't. With my sprained +ankle I am really not equal to it." + +Sir Tiglath had enough chivalry to stop, and Lady Enid once again +chipped in. + +"But, really, I'm almost sure Malkiel is a--" + +She caught the Prophet's eye, as Mrs. Merillia had, and paused. He +turned to the astronomer. + +"But how can a company make itself into a prophet?" he asked. + +"Young man, you talk idly! What are companies formed for if not to make +profits?" retorted Sir Tiglath. "Every one is a company nowadays. Don't +you know that? Murchison, the famous writer of novels, is a company. +Jeremy, the actor-manager, is a company. So is Bynion the quack doctor, +and the Rev. Mr. Kinnimer who supplies tracts to the upper classes, and +Upton the artist, whose pictures make tours like Sarah Bernhardt, and +Watkins, whose philosophy sells more than Tupper's, and Caroline Jingo, +who writes war poems and patriotic odes. If you were to invite these +supposed seven persons to dinner, and all of them came, you would have +to lay covers for at least fifty scoundrels. Oh-h-h-h!" + +"Well, but how are you sure that--ahem--the /Almanac/ person is also +plural, Sir Tiglath?" inquired Mrs. Merillia. + +"Because I sought him with the firm intention of assault and battery +for five-and-forty years," returned the astronomer. "And only gave up +my Christian quest when I was assured, on excellent authority, that he +was a company, and had originally been formed in the United States for +the making of money and the defiance of the heavenly bodies. May bulls +and bears destroy him!" + +"Well, it's very odd," said Lady Enid. "Very odd indeed." + +As she spoke she glanced at the Prophet and met his eyes. There are +moments when the mere expression in another person's eyes seems to +shout a request at one. The expression in the Prophet's eyes performed +this feat at this moment, with such abrupt vehemence, that Lady Enid +felt almost deafened. She leaned back in her chair, as if avoiding a +missile, and exclaimed,-- + +"Of course! And I never guessed it!" + +"Guessed what, my dear?" inquired Mrs. Merillia. + +"Why, that--he--it--was a company," replied Lady Enid. + +The Prophet blessed and thanked her with a piercing and saved look. + +"Nor I," he assented, descending into the very mine of subterfuge for +his recent oath's sake, "nor I, or I should never have taken the +useless trouble that I have taken. + +He managed to say this with such conviction that his grandmother, who, +in the past, had always found him to be transparently honest and +sincere, was carried away by the deception. She wrinkled her long nose, +as was her habit when sincerely pleased, and cried gaily,-- + +"Then, Hennessey, now you've heard Sir Tiglath's opinion of the +practice of trying to turn the stars into money-makers, and the planets +into old gipsy women who tell fortunes to silly servant girls, I'm sure +you'll never study them again. Come, promise me!" + +The Prophet made no answer. + +"Hennessey," cried his grandmother, with tender pertinacity, "promise +me! Sir Tiglath, join your voice to mine!" + +Sir Tiglath had become really grave, not theatrically serious. + +"Young man," he said, "your revered granddam asks of you a righteous +thing. Who are you to trifle with those shining worlds that make a +beauty of the night and that stir eternity in the soul of man? Who are +you to glue your pinpoint of a human eye to yonder machine and play +with the stupendous Jupiter and Saturn as a child plays with marbles or +with peg-tops? Who are you that thinks those glittering monsters have +nothing to do but to inform your pigmy brain of snowfalls, street +accidents, and love-affairs prematurely, so that you may flaunt about +your pocket-handkerchief of a square pluming your dwarfship that you +are a prophet? Fie, young man, and again fie! Bow the knee, as I do, to +the mysteries of the great universal scheme, instead of bothering them +to turn informers and 'give away' the knowledge which is deliberately +hidden from us. Show me a man that can understand the present and +you'll have shown me a god. And yet you knock at the gates of the +heavens through that telescope and clamour to be told the future! Fie +upon you, young man, fie! Oh-h-h-h!" + +Now the Prophet, as has been before observed, possessed a very +sensitive nature. He was also very devoted to his grandmother, and had +an extraordinary reverence for the world-famed attainments of Sir +Tiglath Butt. Therefore, when he heard Mrs. Merillia's pleading, and +the astronomer's weighty denunciation, he was deeply moved. +Nevertheless, so strongly had recent events appealed to his curiosity, +so ardently did he desire to search into the reality of his own +peculiar powers, that it is very doubtful whether he might not have +withstood both the behests of affection and of admiration had it not +been that they took to themselves an ally, whose force is one of the +moving spirits of the world. This ally was fear. Just as the Prophet +was beginning to feel obstinate and to steel himself to resistance, he +remembered the fierce and horrible threats of Malkiel the Second. If he +should cease to concern himself with the stars, if he should cease to +prophesy, not alone should he restore peace to his beloved grandmother, +and pay the tribute of respect to Sir Tiglath, but he should do more. +He should preserve his quick from being searched and his core from +being probed. His marrow, too, would be rescued from the piercing it +had been so devoutly promised. The dread, by which he was now +companioned--of Malkiel, of that portentous and unseen lady who dwelt +beside the secret waters of the Mouse, of those imagined offshoots of +the prophetic tree, Corona and Capricornus--this would drop away. He +would be free once more, light-hearted, a happy and mildly intellectual +man of the town, emerged from the thrall of bogies, and from beneath +the yoke which he already felt laid upon his shoulders by those august +creatures who were the centre of the architectural circle. + +All these things suddenly presented themselves to the Prophet's mind +with extraordinary vividness and force. His resolve was taken in a +moment, and, turning to his eager grandmother and to the still slightly +inflated astronomer, he exclaimed without further hesitation,-- + +"Very well. I'll give it up. I promise you." + +Mrs. Merillia clapped her mittens together almost like a girl. + +"Thank you, Sir Tiglath," she cried. "I knew you would persuade the +dear boy." + +The astronomer beamed like the rising sun. + +"Let the morning stars--freed from insult--sing together!" he roared. + +The Prophet glanced towards Lady Enid. She was looking almost narrow +and not at all pleased. She, and all her family, had a habit of +suddenly appearing thinner than usual when they were put out. This +habit had descended to them from a remote Highland ancestor, who had +perished of starvation and been very vexed about it. The Prophet felt +sure that she did not applaud his resolution, but he could not discuss +the matter with her in public, and she now got up--looking almost like +a skeleton--and said that she must go. Sir Tiglath immediately rolled +up out of his chair and roared that he would accompany her. + +"The old astronomer will protect the injudicious young female," he +exclaimed, "lest she wander forth into accursed places." + +"I'm only going to Hill Street," said Lady Enid, rather snappishly. +"Come to see me to-morrow at three," she whispered to the Prophet as +she took his hand. "We must have a talk. Don't tell anybody!" + +The Prophet nodded surreptitiously. He felt that she was curious to her +finger-tips as he gently pressed them. + +When he and his grandmother were alone together he rang the drawing- +room bell. Mr. Ferdinand appeared. + +"Mr. Ferdinand," said the Prophet, "kindly call Gustavus to your aid +and take away the telescope." + +"Sir!" said Mr. Ferdinand in great astonishment. + +"Take away the telescope." + +"Certainly, sir. Where shall we place it, sir?" + +"Anywhere," said the Prophet. "In the pantry--the square--in Piccadilly +if you like--it's all the same to me." + +And, unable to trust himself to say more, he hurried almost +tumultuously from the room. + +"Here's a go, Gustavus," remarked Mr. Ferdinand a moment later as he +entered the servants' hall. + +"Where, Mr. Ferdinand?" replied Gustavus, glancing up from a dish of +tea and a couple of Worthing shrimps with which he was solacing an idle +moment. + +"Here, in this mansion, Gustavus. Me and you've got to take the +telescope out of the drawing-room, and Master Hennessey says if we wish +we can chuck it in Piccadilly." + +The round eyes of Gustavus brightened. + +"That is my wish, Mr. Ferdinand," he exclaimed. "Here's a lark!" + +He sprang up. But Mr. Ferdinand checked his very agreeable vivacity. + +"I am your head, Gustavus," he remarked, with severe ambiguity, "and +master having also said that, if we wish, we can set the instrument in +the butler's pantry, I have decided that so it shall moreover be. It +will be very useful to us there." + +"Useful, Mr. Ferdinand! However--?" + +"Never mind, Gustavus, never mind," replied Mr. Ferdinand with some +acrimony. + +Being of a dignified nature he did not care to explain to a subordinate +that there was a very pleasant-looking second-cook just arrived at the +house of the Lord Chancellor on the opposite side of the square. + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE DOUBLE LIFE OF MISS MINERVA + +On the following day, just as the Prophet was drawing on a new pair of +suede gloves preparatory to setting out to Hill Street, Gustavus +entered with a silver salver. + +"A telegram for you, sir," he said. + +The Prophet took the blushing envelope, ripped it gently open, and read +as follows:-- + + "Madame and self must confer with you this afternoon without fail. + Shall be with you five sharp; most important. + +JUPITER SAGITTARIUS." + + +Gustavus nearly dropped at sight of the wrinkles that seamed the +Prophet's usually smooth face as he grasped the full meaning of this +portentous missive. + +"Any answer, sir?" + +The wrinkles increased and multiplied. + +"Any reply, sir?" + +"What--no." + +Gustavus glided in a well-trained manner towards the door. When he got +there the Prophet cried, rather sharply,-- + +"Stop a moment!" + +Gustavus stopped. + +"Sir?" + +"The--I--er--I am expecting a--a--couple this afternoon," began the +Prophet, speaking with considerable hesitation, and still gazing, in a +hypnotised manner, at the telegram. + +"A couple, sir?" + +"Exactly. A pair." + +"A pair, sir? Of horses, sir?" + +"Horses! No--of people, that is, persons." + +"A pair of persons, sir. Yes, sir." + +"They should arrive towards five o'clock." + +"Yes, sir." + +"If I should not be home by that time you will show them very quietly +into my library--not the drawing-room. Mrs. Merillia is not at present +equal to receiving ordinary guests." + +The Prophet meant extraordinary, but he preferred to put it the other +way. + +"Yes, sir. What name, sir?" + +"Mr. and Mrs.--that is, Madame Sagittarius. That will do." + +Gustavus hastened to the servants' hall to discuss the situation, while +the Prophet stood re-reading the telegram with an expression of +shattered dismay. Not for at least five minutes did he recover himself +sufficiently to remember his appointment with Lady Enid, and, when at +length he set forth to Hill Street, he was so painfully preoccupied +that he walked three times completely round the square before he +discovered the outlet into that fashionable thoroughfare. + +When he reached the dark green mansion of Lady Enid's worthy father, +the Marquis of Glome, and had applied the bronze demon that served as a +knocker four separate times to the door, he was still so lost in +thought that he started violently on the appearance of the Scotch +retainer at the portal, and behaved for a moment as if he were +considering which of two courses he should pursue: /i.e./, whether he +should clamber frantically into the seclusion of the area, or take +boldly to the open street. Before he could do either M'Allister, the +retainer, had magnetised him into the hall, relieved him of his hat-- +almost with the seductive adroitness of a Drury Lane thief--and drawn +him down a tartan passage into a very sensible-looking boudoir, in +which Lady Enid was sitting by a wood fire with a very tall and lusty +young man. + +"Mr. Hennessey Vivian!" + +"What, Bob--you here!" said the Prophet to the lusty young man, after +shaking hands a little distractedly with Lady Enid. + +"Yes, old chap. But I'm just off. I know you two want to have a +confab," returned Mr. Robert Green, wringing his old school friend's +hand. "Niddy's given me the chuck. And anyhow I'm bound to look in at +the Bath Club at four to fence with Chicky Bostock." + +Mr. Green spoke in a powerful baritone voice, rolling his r's, and +showing his large and square white teeth in a perpetual cheery and even +boisterous smile. He was what is called a thorough good fellow, springy +in body and essentially gay in soul. That he was of a slightly belated +temperament will be readily understood when we say that he was at this +time just beginning to whistle, with fair correctness, "Ta-ra-ra-boom- +de-ay," to discuss the character of Becky Sharp, to dwell upon the +remarkable promise as a vocalist shown by Madame Adelina Patti, and to +wonder at the marvellous results said to be accomplished by the +telephone. He had also never heard of Christian Science, and was +totally unaware that there exists in the metropolis a modest and +retiring building called "The Imperial Institute." Nevertheless, he was +repeatedly spoken of by substantial people as a young man of many +parts, was a leading spirit in Yeomanry circles, and was greatly +regarded by the Prophet as a trusty friend and stalwart upholder of the +British Empire. He had rather the appearance of a bulwark, and +something of the demeanour of a flourishing young oak tree. + +"Yes, Bob, you've got to go," assented Lady Enid, examining the +Prophet's slightly distorted countenance with frank, and even eager, +curiosity. "Mr. Vivian and I are going to talk of modern things." + +"I know, Thackeray and Patti, and three-volume novels, and skirt +dancing, and all the rest of it," said Mr. Green, with unaffected +reverence. "Well, I'm off. I say, Hen, pop in at the Bath on your way +home and have a whiskey and soda. I shall just be out of the hot room +and--" + +"I'm sorry, Bob," said the Prophet with almost terrible solemnity, that +I can't, that--in fact--I am unable." + +"What? Going to the dentist?" + +"Exactly--that is, not at all." + +"Well, what's up? Some intellectual business, lecture on Walter Scott, +or Dickens, or one of the other Johnnies that are so popular just now?" + +"No. I have a--a small gathering at home this afternoon. + +"All right. Then I'll pop round on you--say five o'clock." + +"No, Bob, no, I can't say that. I'm very sorry, but I can't possibly +say that." + +"Right you are. Too clever for me, I s'pose. Look me up at the Tintack +to-night then--any time after ten." + +"If I can, Bob, I will," replied the Prophet, with impressive +uncertainty, "I say if I can I will do so." + +"Done! If you can't, then I'm not to expect you. That it?" + +"That is it--precisely." + +"Good-bye, Niddy, old girl. Keep your pecker up. By the way, if you +want a real good tune for a Charity sing-song, a real rouser, try +'Nancy Lee.' " + +He was gone, humming vigorously that new-fangled favourite. + +"Sit down, Mr. Vivian," said Lady Enid, looking her right size. "We've +got a lot to say to one another." + +"I have to be home at five," replied the Prophet, abstractedly. + +Lady Enid begin to appear a trifle thin. + +"Why? How tiresome! I didn't think you really meant it." + +"It is very, very tiresome." + +He spoke with marked uneasiness, and remained standing with the air of +one in readiness for the punctual call of the hangman. + +"What is it?" continued Lady Enid, with her usual inquisitiveness. + +"I have, as I said, a--a small gathering at home at that hour," said +the Prophet, repeating his formula morosely. + +"A gathering--what of?" + +"People--persons, that is." + +"What--a party?" + +"Two parties," replied the Prophet, instinctively giving Mr. +Sagittarius and Madame their undoubted due. "Two." + +"Two parties at the same time--and in the afternoon! How very odd!" + +"They will look very odd, very--in Berkeley Square," responded the +Prophet, in a tone of considerable dejection. "I don't know, I'm sure, +what Mr. Ferdinand and Gustavus will think. Still I've given strict +orders that they are to be let in. What else could I do?" + +He gazed at Lady Enid in a demanding manner. + +"What else could I possibly do under the circumstances?" he repeated. + +"Sit down, dear Mr. Vivian," she answered, with her peculiar Scotch +lassie seductiveness, "and tell me, your sincere friend, what the +circumstances are." + +Unluckily her curiosity had led her to overdo persuasion. That cooing +interpolation of "your sincere friend"--too strongly honeyed--suddenly +recalled the Prophet to the fact that Lady Enid was not, and could +never be, his confidante in the matter that obsessed him. He therefore +sat down, but with an abrupt air of indefinite social liveliness, and +exclaimed, not unlike Mr. Robert Green,-- + +"Well, and how are things going with you, dear Lady Enid?" + +She jumped under the transition as under a whip. + +"Me! But--these parties you were telling me about?" + +But the Prophet remembered his oath. He was a strictly honourable +little man, and never swore carelessly. + +"Parties!" he said. "You and I are too old friends to waste our life in +chattering about such London nonsense." + +"Then we'll talk of yesterday," said Lady Enid, very firmly. + +The Prophet looked rather blank. + +"Yes," she repeated. "Yesterday. I've guessed your secret." + +"Which one?" he cried, much startled. + +"Which?" she said reproachfully. "Oh, Mr. Vivian--and I thought you +trusted in me." + +The Prophet was silent. The third daughter of the clergyman had often +made that remark to him when they were nearly engaged. It recalled +bygone memories. + +"That's what I thought," she added with pressure. + +"I'm sorry," the Prophet murmured, rather obstinately. + +"I always think," she continued, with deliberate expansiveness, "that +nearly all the miseries of the world come about from people not +trusting in--in people." + +"Or from people trusting in the wrong people. Which is it?" said the +Prophet, not without slyness. + +She began to look thin, but checked herself. + +"Tell me," she said, "why did you stop me yesterday when I was +beginning to say to Sir Tiglath that I was sure Malkiel was a man and +not a syndicate?" + +"Did I stop you?" said the Prophet, artlessly. + +"Yes, with your eyes." + +"Because--because I was sure--that is, certain you couldn't be sure." + +"How could you be certain?" + +"How?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, how is one certain of anything?" said the Prophet, rather +feebly. + +"How are you certain that I'm Miss Minerva Partridge?" + +"Because you told me so yourself, because I've seen you come into +Jellybrand's for your letters, because--" + +"Haven't I seen Malkiel come into Jellybrand's for his?" + +This unexpected retort threw the Prophet upon his beam ends. But he +remembered his oath even in that very awkward position. + +"Does he go to Jellybrand's?" he exclaimed, with a wild attempt after +astonishment. "But he's a company--Sir Tiglath said so." + +"And what did your eyes say yesterday?" + +"I had a cold in my eyes yesterday," said the Prophet. "They were very +weak. They were--they were aching." + +Lady Enid was silent for a moment. During that moment she was +conferring with her feminine instinct. What it said to her must be +guessed by the manner in which she once more entered into conversation +with the Prophet. + +"Mr. Vivian," she said, with a complete change of demeanour to girlish +geniality and impulsiveness, "I'm going to confide in you. I'm going to +thrown myself upon your mercy." + +The Prophet blinked with amazement, like a martyr who suddenly finds +himself snatched from the rack and laid upon a plush divan with a satin +cushion under his head. + +"I'm going to trust you," Lady Enid went on, emphasising the two +pronouns. + +"Many thanks," said the Prophet, unoriginally. + +She was sitting on a square piece of furniture which the Marquis of +Glome called an "Aberdeen lean-to." She now spread herself out upon it +in the easy attitude of one who is about to converse intimately for +some centuries, and proceeded. + +"I daresay you know, Mr. Vivian, that people always call me a very +sensible sort of girl." + +The Prophet remembered his grandmother's remark about Lady Enid. + +"I know they do," he assented, trying not to think of five o'clock. + +"What do they mean by that, Mr. Vivian?" + +"I beg your pardon?" + +"I say what do they mean by a sensible sort of girl?" + +"Why, I suppose--" + +"I'm going to tell you," she interrupted him. "They mean a sort of girl +who likes fresh air, washes her face with yellow soap, sports dogskin +gloves, drives in an open cart in preference to a shut brougham, enjoys +a cold tub and Whyte Melville's novels, laughs at ghosts and cries over +'Misunderstood,' considers the Bishop of London a deity and the Albert +Memorial a gem of art, would wear a neat Royal fringe in her grave, and +a straw hat and shirt on the Judgment Day if she were in the country +for it--walks with the guns, sings 'Home, Sweet Home' in the evening +after dinner to her bald-headed father, thinks the /Daily Mail/ an +intellectual paper, the Royal Academy an uplifting institution, the +British officer a demi-god with a heart of gold in a body of steel, and +the road from Calais to Paris the way to heaven. That's what they mean +by a sensible sort of girl, isn't it?" + +"I daresay it is," said the Prophet, endeavouring not to feel as if he +were sitting with a dozen or two of very practised stump orators. + +"Yes, and that's what they think I am." + +"And aren't you?" inquired the Prophet. + +Lady Enid drew herself upon the Aberdeen lean-to. + +"No," she said decisively, "I'm not. I'm a Miss Minerva Partridge." + +"Well, but what is that?" asked the Prophet, with all the air of a man +inquiring about some savage race. + +"That's the secret--" + +"Oh, I beg your pardon!" + +"That I'm going to tell you now, because I trust you--" + +Again the pronouns were emphasised, and the Prophet thought how +difficult it would be to keep his oath. + +"And because I know now that you're silly too." + +The Prophet jumped, though not for joy. + +"I've been Miss Minerva Partridge for--wait a moment, I must look." + +She got up, went to a writing table, opened a drawer in it, and took +out a large red book and turned its leaves. + +"My diary," she explained. "It's foolish to keep one, isn't it?" + +Her intonation so obviously called for an affirmative that the Prophet +felt constrained to reply,-- + +"Very foolish indeed." + +She smiled with pleasure. + +"I'm so glad you think so. Ah--exactly a year and a half." + +"You've been Miss Minerva Partridge?" + +"Yes." + +"So long as that?" + +"Yes, indeed. Mr. Vivian, during that time I have been leading a double +life." + +The Prophet remembered the other double life beside the borders of the +River Mouse, and began to wonder if he were acquainted with any human +being who led a single one. + +"Many people do that," he remarked rather aimlessly. + +Lady Enid looked vexed. + +"I did not say I had a monopoly of the commodity," she rejoined, +evidently wishing that she had. + +"Oh, no," said the Prophet, making things worse; "one meets people who +live double lives every day, I might almost say every hour." + +The clock had just struck four, and he had begun to think of five. Lady +Enid's pleasant plumpness began rapidly to disappear. + +"I can't say I do," she said sharply, feeling that most of the gilt was +being stripped off her sin. + +She stopped in such obvious dissatisfaction that the Prophet, vaguely +aware that he had made some mistake, said,-- + +"Please go on. I am so interested. Why have you led a double life for +the last week and a half?" + +"Year and a half, I said." + +"I mean year and a half." + +He forced his mobile features to assume a fixed expression of greedy, +though rather too constant, curiosity. Lady Enid brightened up. + +"Mr. Vivian," she said, "many girls are born sensible-looking without +wishing it." + +"Are they really? It never occurred to me." + +"Such things very seldom do occur to men. Now that places these girls +in a very painful position. I was placed in this position as soon as I +was born, or at least as soon as I began to look like anything at all. +For babies really don't." + +"That's very true," assented the Prophet, with more fervour. + +"People continually said to me, 'What a nice sensible girl you are'; +or--'One always feels your Common sense'; or--'There's nothing foolish +about you, Enid, thank Heaven!' The Chieftain relied upon me +thoroughly. So did the tenants. So did everybody. You can understand +that it became very trying?" + +"Of course, of course." + +"It's something to do with the shape of my eyebrows, the colour of my +hair, the way I smile and that sort of thing." + +"No doubt it is." + +"Mr. Vivian, I'll tell you now, that I've never felt sensible in all my +life." + +"Really!" ejaculated the Prophet, still firmly holding all his features +together in an unyielding expression of fixed curiosity. + +"Never once, however great the provocation. And in my family, with the +Chieftain, the provocation you can understand is exceptionally great." + +The Marquis of Glome, who was the head of a clan called "The +MacArdells," was always named the Chieftain by his relations and +friends. + +"I felt sure it must be," said the Prophet, decisively. + +"Nevertheless it is so extremely difficult, if not impossible, not to +try to be what people take you for that I was in a perpetual condition +of acting sensibly, against my true nature." + +"How very trying!" murmured the Prophet, mechanically. + +"It was, Mr. Vivian. It often made me fell quite ill. Nobody but you +knows how I have suffered." + +"And why do I know?" inquired the Prophet. + +"Because I realised yesterday that you must be almost as silly by +nature as I am." + +"Yesterday--why? When?" + +"When you said to Sir Tiglath that you could prophesy." + +The Prophet stiffened. She laughed almost affectionately. + +"So absurd! But I was vexed when you said you'd give it up. You mustn't +do that, or you'll be flying in the face of your own folly." + +She drew the Aberdeen lean-to, which ran easily on Edinburgh castors, a +little nearer to him, and continued. + +"At least I felt obliged to seek an outlet. I could not stifle my real +self for ever, and yet I could not be comfortably silly with those who +were absolutely convinced of my permanent good sense. I tried to be +several times. + +"Didn't you succeed?" + +"Not once." + +"Tch! Tch!" + +"So at last I was driven to the double life." + +"Then your coachman knows?" + +"MacSpillan! No! I took a cab--a four-wheeler--at the corner of the +Square, and the name of Minerva Partridge. It's a silly name, isn't +it?" + +She asked the question with earnest anxiety. + +"Quite idiotic," said the Prophet, reassuringly. + +"I felt quite sure it was," she cried, obviously comforted. "Because it +came to me so inevitably. I was so perfectly natural--and alone--when I +invented it. No one helped me." + +"I assure you," reiterated the Prophet, "there is no doubt the name is +absolutely and entirely idiotic." + +"Thank you, dear Mr. Vivian! What a pleasure it is to talk to you! +Under this name I have, for a year and a half, led an idiotic life, +such a life as really suits me, such a life as is in complete accord +with my true nature. Oh, the joy of it! The sense of freedom! If only +all other silly girls who look sensible like me had the courage to do +what I have done!" + +"It is a pity!" said the Prophet, in assent, beginning to be genuinely +moved by the obvious sincerity of this human being's bent towards +folly. "But what have you done during this year and a half of truth and +freedom?" + +"More foolish things than many crowd into a lifetime," she cried +ecstatically. "It would take me days to tell you of half of them!" + +"Oh, then you mustn't," said the Prophet, glancing furtively at the +clock. "Had you come out to be silly yesterday afternoon?" + +"Yes, I had--to be sillier even than usual. And if it hadn't been for +Sir Tiglath catching sight of me in the avenue, and then--Mr. +Sagittarius and you being in the parlour--" + +She stopped. + +"By the way," she said, in her usual tone of breezy common sense, "were +you living a double life in the parlour?" + +"I!" said the Prophet. "Oh, no, not at all. I never do anything of that +kind." + +"Sure?" + +"Quite certain." + +"You're not going to?" + +"Certainly not. Nothing would induce me." + +She looked at him, as if unconvinced, raising her dark, sensible +eyebrows. + +"All Jellybrand's clients do," she said. "And I'm certain Mr. +Sagittarius--" + +"I assure you," said the Prophet, with the heavy earnestness of +absolute insincerity, "Mr. Sagittarius is the most single lived man I +ever met, the very most. But why did Sir Tiglath, that is, why did +you--?" + +"Try to avoid him? Well--" + +For the first time she hesitated, and began to look slightly confused. + +"Well," she repeated, "Sir Tiglath is a very strange, peculiar old +man." + +The Prophet thought that if the young librarian had been present he +would have eliminated the second adjective. + +"Peculiar! Yes, he is. His appearance, his manner--" + +"Oh, I don't mean that." + +"No?" + +"No. Lots of elderly men have purple faces, turned legs and roaring +voices. You must know that. Sir Tiglath is peculiar in this way--he is +quite elderly and yet he's not in the least little bit silly." + +"Oh!" + +"He's a thoroughly sensible old man, the only one I ever met." + +"Your father?" + +"The Chieftain can be very foolish at times. That's why he's always +relied so on me." + +She gave this proof triumphantly. The Prophet felt bound to accept it. + +"Sir Tiglath is really, as an old man, what everybody thinks I am, as a +young woman. D'you see?" + +"You mean?" + +"The opposite of me. And in this way too. While I hide my silliness +under my eyebrows, and hair, and smile, and manner, he hides his +sensibleness under his. When people meet me they always think--what a +common-sense young woman! When they meet him they always think--what a +preposterous old man!" + +"Well, but then," cried the Prophet, struck by a sudden idea, "if that +is so, how can you live a double life as Miss Minerva Partridge? You +can't change your eyebrows with your name!" + +"Ah, you don't know women!" she murmured. "No, but you see I begin at +once." + +"Begin?" + +"Being silly. All the people who know me as Miss Partridge know I'm an +absurd person in spite of my looks. I've proved it to them by my +actions. I've begun at once before they could have time to judge by my +appearance. I've told them instantly that I'm a Christian Scientist, +and a believer in the value of tight-lacing and in ghosts, an anti- +vaccinator, a Fabian, a member of 'The Masculine Club,' a 'spirit,' a +friend of Mahatmas, an intimate of the 'Rational Dress' set--you know, +who wear things like half inflated balloons in Piccadilly--a +vegetarian, a follower of Mrs. Besant, a drinker of hop bitters and +Zozophine, a Jacobite, a hater of false hair and of all collective +action to stamp out hydrophobia, a stamp-collector, an engager of lady- +helps instead of servants, an amateur reciter and skirt dancer, an +owner of a lock of Paderewski's hair--torn fresh from the head +personally at a concert--an admirer of George Bernard Shaw as a thinker +but a hater of him as a humourist, a rationalist and reader of /Punch/, +an atheist and table-turner, a friend of all who think that women don't +desire to be slaves, a homoeopathist and Sandowite, an enemy of +babies--as if all women didn’t worship them!--a lover of cats--as if +all women didn't hate one another!--a--" + +"One--one moment!" gasped the Prophet at this juncture. "Many of these +views are surely in opposition, in direct opposition to each other." + +"I daresay. That doesn't matter in the least to a real silly woman such +as I am." + +"And then you said that you proved by your actions instantly that--" + +"So I did. I caught up a happy dog in the street, cried over its agony, +unmuzzled it and allowed it to add its little contribution to the joy +of life by mangling a passing archdeacon. I sat on the floor and +handled snakes. I wore my hair parted on one side and smoked a +cigarette in a chiffon gown. I refused food in a public restaurant +because it had been cooked by a Frenchman. I--" + +"Enough! Enough!" cried the Prophet. "I understand. You forced Miss +Partridge's acquaintances to believe in Miss Partridge's folly. But who +were these acquaintances?" + +"It would take me hours to tell you. First there was--" + +"I really have to go at five." + +"Then I'll finish about Sir Tiglath. He's an utterly sensible old man, +and so is different from all other old men, for you know human folly +increases enormously with age. Isn't that lovely? Now, Mr. Vivian, Sir +Tiglath admires me." + +"Ah!" + +"I know. You think that proves him the contrary of what I've said." + +"Not at all!" exclaimed the Prophet, with frenzied courtesy, "not at +all!" + +"Yes, you do. But you're wrong. He doesn't exactly admire my character, +but he likes me because I'm tall, and have pleasant coloured eyes, and +thick hair, and walk well, and know that he's really an unusually +sensible old man." + +"Oh, is that it?" + +"Yes. But now, if he could be made to think that I really am what I +look like--a thoroughly sensible young woman, he would more than admire +me, he would adore me." + +"But if you wish him to?" asked the Prophet in blank amazement. + +"I do." + +"Why?" + +"The Miss Minerva part of me desires it." + +"Indeed." + +"Yes. He's got to do one or two things for Miss Minerva without knowing +that I'm Miss Minerva. That is why I bolted into the parlour yesterday. +Just as I was stepping into Jellybrand's I happened to see Sir Tiglath +and he happened to think he saw me." + +"Only to think?" + +"Yes. He is not certain. I saw that by the expression of his face. He +was wondering whether I was me--or is it I?--or not. I didn't give him +time to be certain. I rushed into the parlour." + +"You did." + +"So it's all right. Frederick Smith would never betray a client." + +"Really?" + +"Never; so I'm saved. For Sir Tiglath isn't certain even now. I found +that out on the way home with him last night. And an old man who's +uncertain of the truth can soon be made certain of the lie, by a young +woman he admires, however sensible he is. And now I'll tell you part of +what I want Sir Tiglath to do for Miss Minerva--" + +But at this moment the clock struck five, and the Prophet bounded up +with hysterical activity, and hastily took his leave, promising to call +again and hear more on the following day. + +"And tell more," thought Lady Enid to herself as the door of the +sensible-looking boudoir shut behind him. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE PROPHET RECEIVES HIS DIRECTIONS FROM MADAME + +When the Prophet reached his door he rang the bell with a rather +faltering hand. Mr. Ferdinand appeared. + +"Any one called, Mr. Ferdinand?" asked the Prophet with an attempt at +airy gaiety. + +"Yes, sir," replied Mr. Ferdinand, looking rather like an elderly +maiden lady when she unexpectedly encounters her cook taking an airing +with a corporal in the Life Guards, "the pair of persons you expected, +sir, has come." + +The Prophet blushed. + +"Oh! You--you haven't disturbed Mrs. Merillia with them, I hope," he +rejoined. + +"No, sir, indeed. Gustavus said your orders was that they was to be +shown quietly to the library." + +"Exactly." + +"I begged them to walk a-tiptoe, sir." + +"What?" ejaculated the Prophet. + +"I informed them there was illness in the house, sir." + +"And did they--er--?" + +"The male person got on his toes at once, sir, but the female person +shrieks out, 'Is it catching? Ho! Think of--of Capericornopus,' sir, or +something to that effect." + +"Tch! Tch!" + +"I took the liberty to say, sir, that ankles was not catching, and that +I would certainly think of Capericornopus if she would but walk a- +tiptoe." + +"Well, and--" + +"By hook and cook I got them to the library, sir. But the male person's +boots creaked awful. The getting on his toes, sir seemed to induce it, +as you might say." + +"Yes, yes. So they're in the library?" + +"They are, sir, and have been talking incessant, sir, ever since they +was put there. We can hear their voices in our hall, sir." + +Mr. Ferdinand again pursed his lips and looked like an elderly lady. +The Prophet could no longer meet his eye. + +"Bring some tea, Mr. Ferdinand, quietly to the library. And--and if +Mrs. Merillia should ask for me say I'm--say I'm busy--er--writing." + +Mr. Ferdinand moved a step backward. + +"Master Hennessey!" he cried in a choked voice. I, a London butler, and +you ask me to--!" + +"No, no. I beg your pardon, Mr. Ferdinand. Simply say I'm busy. That +will be quite true. I shall be--very busy." + +"Yes, sir," said Mr. Ferdinand with a stern and at length successful +effort to conquer his outraged feelings. + +He wavered heavily away to fetch the tea, while the Prophet, like a +guilty thing, stole towards the library. When he drew near to the door +he heard a somewhat resounding hubbub of conversation proceeding within +the chamber. He distinguished two voices. One was the hollow and +sepulchral organ of Malkiel the Second, the other was a heavy and +authoritative contralto, of the buzzing variety, which occasionally +gave an almost professional click--suggesting mechanism--as the speaker +passed from the lower to the upper register of her voice. As the +Prophet reached the mat outside the door he heard the contralto voice +say,-- + +"How are we to know it really is only ankles?" + +The voice of Malkiel the Second replied plaintively,-- + +"But the gentleman who opened the door and--" + +The contralto voice clicked, and passed to its upper register. + +"You are over fifty years of age," it said with devastating compassion, +"and you can still trust a gentleman who opens doors! /O sanctum +simplicitatus!/" + +On hearing this sudden gush of classical erudition the Prophet must +have been seized by a paralysing awe, for he remained as if glued to +the mat, and made no effort to open the door and step into the room. + +"If I am sanctified, Sophronia," said the voice of Malkiel, "I cannot +help it, indeed I can't. We are as we are." + +"Did Bottom say so in his epics?" cried the contralto, contemptuously. +"Did Shakespeare imply that when he invented his immortal Bacon, or +Carlyle, the great Cumberland sage, when he penned his world-famed +'Sartus'?" + +"P'r'aps not, my dear. You know best. Still, ordinary men--not that I, +of course, can claim to be one--must remain, to a certain extent, what +they are." + +"Then why was Samuel Smiles born?" + +"What, my love?" + +"Why, I say? Where is the use of effort? Of what benefit was Plato's +existence to the republic? Of what assistance has the great Tracy +Tupper been if men must still, despite all his proverbs, remain what +they are? /O curum hominibus! O imitatori! Servus pecum!/" + +At this point the voice of Mr. Ferdinand remarked in the small of the +Prophet's back,-- + +"Shall I set down the tea on the mat, sir, or--" + +The Prophet bounded into the library, tingling in every vein. His +panther-like entrance evidently took the two conversationalists aback, +for Malkiel the Second, who had been plaintively promenading about the +room, still on his toes according to the behest of Mr. Ferdinand, sat +down violently on a small table as if he had been shot, while the +contralto voice, which had been sitting on a saddle-back chair by the +hearth, simultaneously bounced up; both these proceedings being carried +out with the frantic promptitude characteristic of complete and +unhesitating terror. + +"I beg your pardon!" said the Prophet. "I hope I haven't disturbed +you." + +Malkiel the Second leaned back, the contralto voice leaned forward, and +both breathed convulsively. + +"I really must apologise," continued the Prophet. "I fear I have +startled you." + +His guests swallowed nothing simultaneously and mechanically drew out +their handkerchiefs. Then Malkiel feebly got up and the contralto voice +feebly sank down again. + +"I--I thought I said sharp, sir," remarked Malkiel, at length, with a +great effort recovering himself. + +"Wasn't I sharp?" returned the Prophet. "Will you present me?" + +"Are you equal to it, my love?" inquired Malkiel, tenderly, to the +contralto voice. + +The contralto voice nodded hysterically. + +"Madame Sagittarius, sir," said Malkiel, turning proudly to the +Prophet, "my wife, the mother of Corona and Capricornus." + +The Prophet bowed and the lady inclined herself, slightly protruding +her elbows as she did so, as if just to draw attention to the fact that +she was possessed of those appendages and could use them if necessary. + +Madame Malkiel, or rather Madame Sagittarius, as she must for the +present be called, was a smallish woman of some forty winters. Her +hair, which was drawn away intellectually from an ample and decidedly +convex brow, was as black as a patent leather boot, and had a gloss +upon it as of carefully-adjusted varnish. Her eyes were very large, +very dark and very prominent. Her features were obstreperous and +rippling, running from right to left, and her teeth, which were shaded +by a tiny black moustache, gleamed in a manner that could scarcely be +called natural. She was attired in a black velvet gown trimmed with a +very large quantity of beadwork, a bonnet adorned with purple cherries, +green tulips and orange-coloured ostrich tips, a pelisse, to which +bugles had been applied with no uncertain hand, and an opal necklace. +Her gloves were of white, her boots of black kid, the latter being +furnished with elastic sides, and over her left wrist she carried a +plush reticule, whose mouth was kept shut by a tightly-drawn scarlet +riband. On the left side of her pelisse reposed a round bouquet of +violets about the size of a Rugby football. + +"I thought you might like to have some tea," began the Prophet, in his +most soothing manner, while Mr. Ferdinand, with pursed lips, softly +arranged that beverage upon the seat which Mr. Sagittarius--so we must +call him--had just vacated. + +"Thank you," said Madame Sagittarius, with dignity. "It would be +acceptable. The long journey from the banks of the Mouse to these +central districts is not without its fatigue. A beautiful equipage!" + +"You said--" + +"You have a very fine equipage." + +"You have seen the brougham?" said the Prophet, in some surprise. + +"What broom?" buzzed Madame Sagittarius. + +"I thought you were admiring--" + +"The tea equipage." + +"Oh, yes, to be sure. Queen Anne silver, yes." + +"A great woman!" said Madame Sagittarius, spreading a silk handkerchief +that exactly matched the ostrich tips in her bonnet carefully over her +velvet lap. "All who have read Mrs. Markham's work of genius with +understanding must hold her name in reverence. A noble creature! A pity +she died!" + +"A great pity indeed!" + +"Still we must remember that /Mors omnis communibus/. We must not +forget that." + +"No, no." + +"And after all it is the will of Providence. /Mors Deo/." + +"Quite so." + +During this classical and historical retrospect Mr. Ferdinand had +finished his task and quitted the apartment. As soon as he had gone +Madame Sagittarius continued,-- + +"As the mother of Corona and Capricornus I feel it my duty to ask you, +sir--that is, Mr.--" + +"Vivian." + +"Mr. Vivian, whether the illness in your house is really only ankles as +the gentleman who opened the door assured me?" + +"It is only that." + +"Not catching?" + +"Oh, dear, no." + +"There, Sophronia!" said Mr. Sagittarius. "I told you it was merely the +prophecy." + +He suddenly assumed a formidable manner, and continued,-- + +"And now, sir, that we are alone--" + +But Madame interrupted him. + +"Kindly permit our host to succour my fatigue, Jupiter," she said +severely. "I am greatly upset by the journey. When I am restored we can +proceed to business. At present I am fit only for consolation." + +Mr. Sagittarius subsided, and the Prophet hastily assisted the victim +of prolonged travel to some buttered toast. Having also attended to the +wants of her precipitate underling, he thought it a good opportunity to +proceed to a full explanation with the august couple, and he therefore +remarked, with an ingratiating and almost tender smile,-- + +"I think I ought to tell you at once that there will be no need for any +further anxiety on your part. I have put down my telescope and have-- +well, in fact, I have decided once and for all to give up prophecy for +the future." + +The Prophet, in his innocence, had expected that this declaration of +policy would exercise a soothing influence upon his guests, more +especially when he added--it is to be feared with some insincerity,-- + +"I have come to the conclusion that I overrated my powers, as amateurs +will, you know, and that I have never really possessed any special +talent in that direction. I think I shall take up golf instead, or +perhaps the motor car." + +He spoke deliberately in a light-minded, even frivolous, manner, toying +airily with a sugar biscuit, as he leaned back in his chair, which +stood opposite to Madame Sagittarius's. To his great surprise his well- +meaning remarks were received with every symptom of grave +dissatisfaction by his illustrious companions. Madame Sagittarius threw +herself suddenly forward with a most vivacious snort, and her husband's +face was immediately overcast by a threatening gloom that seemed to +portend some very disagreeable expression of adverse humour. + +"That won't do, sir, at this time of day!" he exclaimed. "You should +have thought of that yesterday. That won't do at all, will it, Madame?" + +"/O miseris hominorum mentas/!" exclaimed that lady, tragically. "/O +pectorae caecae/!" + +"You hear her, sir?" continued Mr. Sagittarius. "You grasp her +meaning?" + +"I do hear certainly," said the Prophet, beginning to feel that he +really must rub up his classics. + +"She helps Capricornus, sir, of an evening. She assists him in his +Latin. Madame is a lady of deep education, sir." + +"Quite so. But--" + +"There can be no going back, sir," continued Mr. Sagittarius. "Can +there, Madame?" + +"No human creature can go back," said Madame Sagittarius. "Such is the +natural law as exemplified by the great Charles Darwin in his +/Vegetable Mould and Silkworms/. No human creature can go back. Least +of all this gentleman. He must go forward and we with him." + +The Prophet began to feel uncomfortable. + +"But--" he said. + +"There is no such word as 'but' in my dictionary," retorted the lady. + +"Ah, an abridged edition, no doubt," said the Prophet. "Still--" + +"I am better now," interposed Madame Sagittarius, brushing some crumbs +of toast from her pelisse with the orange handkerchief. "Jupiter, if +you are ready, we can explain the test to the gentleman." + +So saying she drew a vinaigrette, set with fine imitation carbuncles, +from the plush reticule, and applied it majestically to her nose. The +Prophet grew really perturbed. He remembered his promise to his +grandmother and Sir Tiglath, and felt that he must assert himself more +strongly. + +"I assure you," he began, with some show of firmness, "no tests will be +necessary. My telescope has already been removed from its position, +and--" + +"Then it must be reinstated, sir," said Mr. Sagittarius, "and this very +night. Madame has hit upon a plan, sir, of searching you to the quick. +Trust a woman, sir, to do that." + +"I should naturally trust Madame Sagittarius," said the Prophet, very +politely. "But I really cannot--" + +"So you say, sir. Our business is to find out whether, living in the +Berkeley Square as you do, you can bring off a prophecy of any +importance or not. The future of myself, Madame and family depends upon +the results of the experiments which we shall make upon you during the +next few days." + +The Prophet began to feel as if he were shut up alone with a couple of +determined practitioners of vivisection. + +"Let's see, my dear," continued Mr. Sagittarius, addressing his wife, +"what was it to be?" + +"The honored grandmother one," replied the lady, tersely. + +The Prophet started. + +"I cannot possibly consent--" he began. + +"Pray, Mr. Vivian, listen to me," interposed Madame Sagittarius. + +"Pray, sir, attend to Madame!" said Mr. Sagittarius, sternly. + +"But I must really--" + +"January," said Madame, "is a month of grave importance to grandmothers +this year, is it not, Jupiter?" + +"Yes, my dear. In consequence of Scorpio being in the sign of +Sagittarius. The crab will be very busy up till the third of February." + +"Just so." + +"At which date the little dog, my love, assumes the roll of maleficence +towards the aged." + +"I know. /Cane cavem/. When was the old lady born, Mr. Vivian, if you +please?" + +"What old lady?" stammered the Prophet, beginning to perspire. + +"The old lady who's got ankles, your honoured grandmother?" + +"On the twentieth of this month. But--" + +"At what time?" + +"Six in the morning. But--" + +"Under what star?" + +"Saturn. But--" + +"That's lucky, isn't it, Jupiter?" said Madame, in an increasingly +business-like manner. "That brings her into touch with the Camelopard-- +doesn't it?" + +"Into very close touch indeed, my dear, and also with the bull. He goes +right to her, as you may say." + +"I cannot conceivably permit--" began the Prophet in much agitation. + +But Madame, without taking the smallest notice of him, proceeded. + +"Will the scorpion be round her on her birthday?" + +"Close round her, my love--with the serpent. They work together." + +"Together, do they? You know what effect they'll have on her, don't +you, Jupiter?" + +"I should rather think so, my darling," replied Mr. Sagittarius, with +an air of profound and sinister information. + +The Prophet's blood ran cold in his veins. Yet he felt for the moment +unable to utter a syllable, or even to make a gesture of protest. So +entirely detached from him did the worthy couple appear to be, so +completely wrapped up in their own evidently well-considered and +carefully-laid plans, that he had a sense of being in another sphere, +not theirs, of hearing their remarks from some distance off. Madame +Sagittarius now turned towards him in a formal manner, and continued. + +"And now, Mr. Vivian, I shall have to lay down the procedure that you +will follow. Have you a good memory--no, a pencil and notebook will be +best. /Litterae scriptus manetur/, as we all know full well. Have you a +pencil and--?" + +The Prophet nodded mechanically. + +"Will you kindly get them?" + +The Prophet rose, walked to his writing table and felt for the +implements. + +"If you will sit down now I will direct you," continued Madame, +authoritatively. + +The Prophet sat down at the table, holding a lead pencil upside down in +one hand and an account-book wrong side up in the other. + +"Let's see--what's to-day?" inquired Madame, of her husband. + +"The seventeenth, my dear," replied Mr. Sagittarius, looking at his +wife with almost sickly adoration. + +"To be sure. Capricornus's day for Homer's Idyl. Very well, Mr. Vivian, +to-day being the seventeenth, and the old lady's birthday the +twentieth, you have three days, or rather nights, of steady work before +you." + +"Steady work?" murmured the Prophet. + +"What should be his hours, Jupiter?" continued Madame. "At what time of +night is he to commence? Shall I say nine?" + +The Prophet remembered feebly that, during the next three nights, he +had two important dinner-engagements, a party at the Russian +Ambassador's, and a reception at the Lord Chancellor's just opposite. +However, he made no remark. Somehow he felt that words were useless +when confronted with such an iron will as that of the lady in the +pelisse. + +"Nine would be too early, my dear," said Mr. Sagittarius. "Eleven p.m. +would be more to the purpose." + +"Eleven let it be then, punctually. Will you dot down, Mr. Vivian, that +you have to be at the telescope to take observations at eleven p.m. +every night from now till the twentieth." + +"But I have had the telesc--" + +"Kindly dot it down." + +The Prophet dotted it down with the wrong end of the pencil on the +wrong side of the account-book. + +"And what are his hours to be exactly, Jupiter?" continued Madame. +"From eleven till dawn, I suppose?" + +The Prophet shuddered. + +"Eleven till three will be sufficient, my love. The crab, you know, has +pretty well done his London work by that time. And the old lady will +have to depend very much on the crab for these few nights." + +At this point the Prophet's brain began to swim. Sparks seemed to float +before his eyes, and amid these sparks, nebulous and fragmentary +visions appeared, visions of his beloved grandmother companioned by +scorpions and serpents, in close touch with camelopards and bovine +monsters, and, in the last stress of terror and dismay, left entirely +dependent upon crustaceans for that help and comfort which hitherto her +devoted grandson had ever been thankful to afford. + +"Oh, very well," replied Madame. "You will be able to get to bed at +three, Mr. Vivian. Dot that down." + +"Thank you," murmured the Prophet, making a minute pencil scratch in +the midst of a bill for butcher's meat. + +"During these hours--but you can tell him the rest, Jupiter." + +So saying, and with an air of one retiring from business upon a well- +earned competence, Madame Sagittarius lay back in her chair, settled +her bonnet-strings, flicked a crumb from the football of violets that +decorated her left side, and, extending her kid boots towards the +cheerful blaze that came from the fire, fell with a sigh into a +comfortable meditation. Mr. Sagittarius, on the other hand, assumed a +look of rather hectoring authority, and was about to utter what the +Prophet had very little doubt was a command when there came a gentle +tap to the door. + +"Come in," said the Prophet. + +He thought he had spoken in his ordinary voice. In reality he had +merely uttered a very small whisper. The tap was repeated. + +"Louder, sir, louder!" said Mr. Sagittarius, encouragingly. + +"Come in!" shrieked the Prophet. + +Mr. Ferdinand appeared, looking more like the elderly spinster lady +when confronted with the corporal in the Life Guards than ever. + +"If you please, sir, I was to tell you that Lady Enid Thistle is with +Mrs. Merillia taking tea. Mrs. Merillia thought you would wish to +know." + +Madame Sagittarius took the kid boots from the blaze on hearing this +aristocratic name. Mr. Sagittarius assumed a look of reverence, and the +Prophet realised, more acutely than ever, that even well-born young +women can be inquisitive. + +"Very well," he said. "Say I'll--I'll"--he succeeded in making his +voice sound absolutely firm--"I'll come in a moment." + +"Yes, sir." + +Mr. Ferdinand cast a glance of respectful, but unlimited, horror upon +the Prophet's guests and retired, while the Prophet, calling upon all +his manhood, turned to Mr. Sagittarius. + +"I regret more than I can say that I shall be obliged now to obey my +grandmother's summons," he said courteously. "Suppose we defer this-- +this pleasant little discussion to some future oc--" + +"Impossible, sir!" cried Mr. Sagittarius. "Quite impossible. You must +get to work to-night, and how can you do it without your directions?" + +"Oh, I can manage all right," said the Prophet, desperately. "I can +give a guess as to--" + +"/Non sunt ad astrae mollibus a terrus viae/!" cried Madame. "The road +from Berkeley square to the stars is not so easy, is it, Jupiter?" + +"No indeed, my love. Why--" + +"Then," exclaimed the Prophet, much agitated, and feeling it incumbent +upon him to get rid of Mr. Sagittarius at once lest the curiosity of +Lady Enid should increase beyond all measure, and lead to an encounter +between the two clients of Jellybrand's, "then kindly give me my +directions as briefly as possible, and--" + +There was another tap upon the door. + +"What is it?" cried the Prophet, distractedly, "Come in!" + +Mr. Ferdinand re-entered very delicately. + +"Her ladyship can only stay a minute, sir. Mrs. Merillia hopes you can +leave your business--I said as you was very busy, sir--and come up to +the drawing-room." + +"Yes, yes. I'll come. Say I'll come, Mr. Ferdinand." + +"Yes, sir." + +As the door closed the Prophet exclaimed excitedly,-- + +"I fear I really must--" + +"Take down your directions, sir," broke in Mr. Sagittarius, firmly. + +"Very well," rejoined the Prophet, desperately, seizing his pencil and +the account-book. "What are they?" + +"You swear to follow them, sir?" + +"Yes, yes, anything--anything!" + +"Have you a star map?" + +"Yes--no!" + +"You must get one." + +"Very well." + +"You had better do so at the Stores." + +Madame breathed an almost sensuous sigh which caused her husband to +glance tenderly towards her. + +"I know, my love, I know," he said. "It may come some day." + +"/O festum dies! Longa intervallam!/" she murmured, shaking her bonnet +with the manner of a martyr to duty. + +Mr. Sagittarius was greatly moved. + +"She's a saint," he whispered aside to the Prophet, as if imparting +some necessary information. + +"Certainly. Please go on!" + +Mr. Sagittarius started, as if suddenly recalled to mundane matters. + +"Get it at the Stores," he said. "In the astronomical department." + +"Very well." + +"Having done so, and keeping the old lady perpetually in your mind, you +will place her in the claws of the crab--" + +"What!" + +"Mentally, sir, mentally, of course." + +"Oh." + +"And, allowing for the natural effect of the scorpion and serpent upon +one of her venerable age--" + +"Good Heavens!" + +"When close round her, as they will be--but you will observe that for +yourself--" + +The Prophet shut his eyes as one who refuses to behold sacrilege. + +"You will trace the cycloidal curve of the planets--can you do that?" + +The Prophet nodded. + +"As it affects her birthday, the twentieth. Should the lynx be near +her--" + +"No, no!" cried the Prophet. "It shall not be!" + +"Well, you'll have to find that out and keep an eye to it. But should +it be, you will commit to paper what result its presence is likely to +produce to her, and work the whole thing out clearly for myself and +Madame on paper--in prophetic form, of course--so that we receive it +by--what post shall I say, my dear?" + +"First post, Jupiter." + +"First post on--what day is the twentieth?" + +"I don't know," replied the Prophet, helplessly. + +"A Thursday," said Madame. "Capricornus's day for chronic sections." + +"She always knows," said Mr. Sagittarius to the Prophet. + +"Always." + +"Very well then, first post Thursday morning. Now is that quite clear?" + +"Oh, quite, quite." + +"You will of course send the old lady's horoscope to us at the same +time with full particulars." + +"Full particulars?" said the Prophet. "What of?" + +"Of her removal from the bottle, cutting of her first tooth, short +coating, going into skirts, putting of the hair up, day of marriage and +widowhood, illnesses--" + +"Especially the rashes, Jupiter," struck in Madame. + +"What a mind!" said Mr. Sagittarius aside to the Prophet. + +"What!" + +"Especially as Madame says, any illnesses taking the form of a rash-- +the epidemic form, as I may say--and so forth. We are to receive this +document by the first post Thursday morning." + +"Have you dotted all that down, Mr. Vivian?" inquired Madame. + +The Prophet hastily made a large variety of scratches with the lead +pencil. + +"And now," continued Mr. Sagittarius. + +There was a third tap at the door. + +"Come in," cried the Prophet, distractedly, and feeling as if homicidal +mania were rapidly creeping upon him. + +Mr. Ferdinand appeared once more, with a mouth like a purse. + +"Her ladyship says she really must go in a moment, sir, and--and Mrs. +Merillia begs that--" + +"I am coming at once, Mr. Ferdinand. I swear it. Go upstairs and swear +I swear it." + +"Yes, sir." + +Mr. Ferdinand departed, rather with the demeanour of an archbishop who +has been inveigled into pledging himself, on his archiepiscopal oath, +to commit some horrid crime. The Prophet turned, almost violently, +towards his guests. + +"I must go," he cried. "I must indeed. Pray forgive me. You see how I +am circumstanced. Permit me to show you to the door." + +"You swear, sir, to carry out all our directions and to dot down--" + +"I do. I swear solemnly to dot down--if you will only--this way. Take +care of the mat." + +"We trust you, Mr. Vivian," said Madame, with majestic pathos. "A wife, +a mother trusts you. /Placens uxus! Mater familiaris/." + +"I pledge my honour. This is the--no, no, not that way, not that way!" + +The worthy couple, by mistake, no doubt, were proceeding towards the +grand staircase, having missed the way to the hall door, and as the +Prophet, following them up with almost unimaginable activity, drew near +enough to drum the right direction into their backs, Lady Enid became +visible on the landing above. Mr. Sagittarius perceived her. + +"Why, it's Miss Minerv--" he began. + +"This way, this way!" cried the Prophet, wheeling them round and +driving them, but always like a thorough gentleman, towards the square. + +"Then she leads a double life, too!" said Mr. Sagittarius, solemnly, +fixing his strained eyes upon the Prophet. + +"She? Who?" said Madame, sharply. + +She had not seen Lady Enid. + +"All of us, my love, all of us," returned her husband, as the Prophet +succeeded in shepherding them on to the pavement. + +"Good-bye," he cried. + +With almost inconceivable rapidity he shut the door. As he did so two +vague echoes seemed to faint on his ear. One was male, a dreamlike-- +"First post, Thursday!" The other was female, a fairylike--"/Jactum +alea sunt/." + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE PROPHET BEGINS TO CARRY OUT HIS DIRECTIONS + +"Mr. Ferdinand," said the Prophet the same evening, after he had +dressed for dinner, "what has become of the telescope?" + +He spoke in a low voice, not unlike that of a confirmed conspirator, +and glanced rather furtively around him, as if afraid of being +overheard. + +"I have removed it, sir, according to your orders," replied Mr. +Ferdinand, also displaying some uneasiness. + +"Yes, yes. Where have you placed it?" + +"Well, sir, I understood you to say I might throw it in Piccadilly, if +I so wished." + +The Prophet suddenly displayed relief. + +"I see. You have done so." + +"Well, no, sir." + +The Prophet's face fell. + +"Then where is it?" + +"Well, sir, for the moment I have set it in the butler's pantry." + +"Indeed!" + +"I thought it might be of use there, sir," continued Mr. Ferdinand, in +some confusion, which, however, was not noticed by the Prophet. "Of +great use to--to Gustavus and me in--in our duties, sir." + +"Quite so, quite so," returned the Prophet, abstractedly. + +"Did you wish it to be taken to the drawing-room again, sir?" + +The Prophet started. + +"Certainly not," he said. "On no account. As you very rightly say--a +butler's pantry is the place for a telescope. It can be of great +service there." + +His fervour surprised Mr. Ferdinand, who began to wonder whether, by +any chance, his master knew of the Lord Chancellor's agreeable-looking +second-cook. After pausing a moment respectfully, Mr. Ferdinand was +about to decamp when the Prophet checked him with a gesture. + +"One moment, Mr. Ferdinand!" + +"Sir?" + +"One moment!" + +Mr. Ferdinand stood still. The Prophet cleared his throat, arranged his +tie, and then said, with an air of very elaborate nonchalance,-- + +"At what time do you generally go to bed, Mr. Ferdinand, when you don't +sit up?" + +"Sometimes at one time, sir, and sometimes at another." + +"That's rather ambiguous." + +"I beg pardon, sir." + +"What is your usual hour for being quite--that is, entirely in bed." + +"Entirely in bed, sir?" + +Mr. Ferdinand's fine bass voice vibrated with surprise. + +"Yes. Not partially in bed, but really and truly in bed?" + +"Well, sir," returned Mr. Ferdinand, with decided dignity, "when I am +in bed, sir, I am." + +"And when's that?" + +"By twelve, sir." + +"I thought as much," cried the Prophet, with slightly theatrical +solicitude. "You sit up too late, Mr. Ferdinand." + +"I hope, sir, that I--" + +"That's what makes you so pale, Mr. Ferdinand, and delicate." + +"Delicate, sir!" cried Mr. Ferdinand, who had in fact been hopelessly +robust from the cradle, totally incapable of acquiring even the most +universal complaints, and, moreover, miraculously exempt from that +well-recognised affliction of the members of his profession so widely +known as "butler's feet." + +"Yes," said the Prophet, emphatically. "You should be in bed, +thoroughly in bed, by a quarter to eleven. And Gustavus too! He is +young, and the young can't be too careful. Begin to-night, Mr. +Ferdinand. I speak for your health's sake, believe me." + +So saying the Prophet hurried away, leaving Mr. Ferdinand almost as +firmly rooted to the Turkey carpet with surprise as if he had been +woven into the pattern at birth, and never unpicked in later years. + +At ten that evening the Prophet, having escaped early from his dinner +on some extravagant plea of sudden illness or second gaiety, stood in +the small and sober passage of the celebrated Tintack Club and inquired +anxiously for Mr. Robert Green. + +"Yes, sir. Mr. Green is upstairs in the smoke-room," said the +functionary whom the club grew under glass for the benefit of the +members and their friends. + +"Sam, show this gentleman to Mr. Green." + +Sam, who was a red-faced child in buttons, with a man's walk and the +back of one who knew as much as most people, obeyed this command, and +ushered the Prophet into a room with a sealing-wax red paper, in which +Robert Green was sitting alone, smoking a large cigar and glancing at +the "stony-broke edition" of an evening paper. He greeted the Prophet +with his usual unaffected cordiality, offered him every drink that had +yet been invented, and, on his refusal of them all, handed him a cigar +and a matchbox, and whistled "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-av" at him in the most +friendly manner possible. + +"Bob," said the Prophet, taking a very long time to light the cigar, +"what, in your opinion, is the exact meaning of the term honour?" + +Mr. Green's cheerful, though slightly belated, face assumed an +expression of genial betwaddlement. + +"Oh, well, Hen," he said, "exact meaning you know's not so easy. But-- +hang it, we all understand the thing, eh, without sticking it down in +words. What?" + +"I don't, Bob," rejoined the Prophet, in the tone of a man at odds with +several consciences. "In what direction does honour lie?" + +"It don't lie at all, old chap," said Mr. Green, with the decided +manner which had made him so universally esteemed in yeomanry circles. + +The Prophet began to look very much distressed. + +"Look here, Bob, I'll put it in this way," he said. "Would an +honourable man feel bound to keep a promise?" + +"Rather." + +"Yes, but would he feel bound to keep two promises?" + +"Rather, if he'd made 'em." + +"Suppose he had!" + +"Go ahead, Hen, I'm supposing," said Mr. Green, beginning to pucker his +brows and stare very hard indeed in the endeavour to keep the +supposition fixed firmly in his head. + +"And, further, suppose that these two promises were diametrically +opposed to one another." + +Mr. Green stuck out one leg, looked obliquely at the carpet, pressed +his lips together and nodded. + +"So that if he fulfilled them both he'd have to break them both--" + +"Stop a sec! Gad, I've lost it! Start again, Hen!" + +"No, I mean so that if he didn't break one he would be forced to break +the other. Have you got that?" + +"Stop a bit! Don't believe I have. Let's see!" + +He moved his lips silently, repeating the Prophet's words. + +"Yes. I've got that all right now," he said, after three minutes of +strenuous mental exertion. + +"Well, what would you say of him?" + +"That he was a damned fool." + +The Prophet looked very much upset. + +"No, no, Bob, I meant to him. What would you say to him?" + +"That he was a damned fool." + +The Prophet began to appear thoroughly broken down. However, he still +stuck to his interpellation. + +"Very well, Bob," he said, with unutterable resignation--as of a toad +beneath the harrow--"but, putting all that aside--" + +"Give us a chance, Hen! I've got to shunt all that, have I?" + +"Yes, at least all you would say of, and to, the man." + +"Oh, only that. Wait a bit! Yes, I've done that. Drive on now!" + +"Putting all that aside, what should you advise the man to do?" + +"Not to be such a damned fool again." + +"No, no! I mean about the two promises?" + +"What about 'em?" + +"Which would his sense of honour compel him to keep?" + +"I shouldn't think such a damned fool'd got a sense of honour." + +The Prophet winced, but he stuck with feverish obstinacy to his point. + +"Yes, Bob, he had." + +"I don't believe it, Hen, 'pon my word I don't. You'll always find that +damned f--" + +"Bob, I must beg you to take it from me. He had. Now which promise +should he keep?" + +"Who'd he made 'em to?" + +"Who?" said the Prophet, wavering. + +"Yes." + +"One to--to a very near and dear relative, the other to--well, Bob to +two comparative strangers." + +"What sort of strangers." + +"The sort of strangers who--who live beside a river, and who--who mix +principally with--well, in fact, with architects and their wives." + +"Rum sort of strangers?" + +"They are decidedly." + +"Oh, then, you know 'em?" + +"That's not the point," exclaimed the Prophet, hastily. "The point is +which promise is to be kept." + +"I should say the one made to the relative. Wait a bit, though! Yes, I +should say that." + +The Prophet breathed a sigh of relief. But some dreadful sense of +honesty within him compelled him to add,-- + +"I forgot to say that he'd pledged his honour to the architects--that +is, to the strangers who lived beside a river." + +"What--and not pledged it to the relative?" + +"Well, no." + +"Then he ought to stick to the promise he'd pledged his honour over, of +course. Nice for the relative! The man's a damned fool, Hen. Do have a +drink, old chap." + +Thus did Mr. Robert Green drive the Prophet to take the first decisive +step that was to lead to so many complications,--the step towards Mr. +Ferdinand's pantry. + +At precisely a quarter to eleven p.m. the Prophet stood upon his +doorstep and, very gently indeed, inserted his latchkey into the door. +A shaded lamp was burning in the deserted hall, where profound silence +reigned. Clear was the night and starry. As the Prophet turned to close +the door he perceived the busy crab, and the thought of his beloved +grandmother, sinking now to rest on the second floor all unconscious of +the propinquity of the scorpion, the contiguity of the serpent, filled +his expressive eyes with tears. He shut the door, stood in the hall and +listened. He heard a chair crack, the ticking of a clock. There was no +other sound, and he felt certain that Mr. Ferdinand and Gustavus had +heeded his anxious medical directions and gone entirely to bed betimes, +leaving the butler's pantry free for the nocturnal operations of the +victim of Madame. For he recognised that she was the guiding spirit of +the family that dwelt beside the Mouse. He might have escaped out of +the snare of Mr. Sagittarius, but Madame was a fowler who would hold +him fast till she had satisfied herself once and for all whether it +were indeed possible to dwell in the central districts, within reach of +the Army and Navy heaven in Victoria Street, and yet remain a prophet. +Yes, he must now work for the information of her ambitious soul. He +sighed deeply and went softly up the stairs. His chamber was on the +same floor as Mrs. Merillia's, and, as he neared her door, he rose +instinctively upon his toes and, grasping the tails of his evening coat +firmly with his left hand, to prevent any chance rustling of their +satin lining, and bearing his George the Third silver candlestick +steadily to control any clattering of its extinguisher, he moved on +rather like a thief who was also a trained ballerina, holding his +breath and pressing his lips together in a supreme agony of dumbness. + +Unluckily he tripped in the raised pattern of the carpet, the +candlestick uttered a silver note, his pent-in breath escaped with a +loud gulp, and Mrs. Merillia's delicate voice cried out from behind her +shut door,-- + +"Hennessey! Hennessey!" + +The Prophet bit his lip and went at once into her room. + +Mrs. Merillia looked simply charming in bed, with her long and elegant +head shaded by a beautiful muslin helmet trimmed with lace, and a +delicious embroidered wrapper round her shoulders. The Prophet stood +beside her, shading the candle-flame with his hand. + +"Well, grannie, dear," he said, "what is it? You ought to be asleep." + +"I never sleep before twelve. Have you had a pleasant dinner?" + +"Very. Stanyer Phelps, the American, was there and very witty. And we +had a marvellous /supreme de volaille/. Everybody asked after you." + +Mrs. Merillia nodded, like an accustomed queen who receives her due. +She knew very well that she was the most popular old woman in London, +knew it too well to think about it. + +"Well, good-night, grannie." + +The Prophet bent to kiss her, his heart filled with compunction at the +thought of the promise he was about to break. It seemed to him almost +more than sacrilegious to make of this dear and honoured ornament of +old age a vehicle for the satisfaction of the vulgar ambitions and +disagreeable curiosity of the couple who dwelt beside the Mouse. + +"Good-night, my dear boy." + +She kissed him, then added,-- + +"You like Lady Enid, don't you?" + +"Very much." + +"So does Robert Green. He thinks her such a thoroughly sensible girl." + +"Bob! Does he?" said the Prophet, concealing a slight smile. + +"Yes. If you want her to get on with you, Hennessey, you should come up +to tea when she is here." + +"I couldn't to-day, grannie." + +"You were really busy?" + +"Very busy indeed." + +"I suppose you only saw her for a moment on the stairs?" + +"That was all." + +It was true, for Lady Enid had scarcely stayed to speak to the Prophet, +having hurried out in the hope of discovering who were the "two +parties" he had been entertaining on the ground floor. + +Mrs. Merillia dropped the subject. + +"Good-night, Hennessey," she said. "Go to bed at once. You look quite +tired. I am so thankful you have given up that horrible astronomy." + +The Prophet did not reply, but, as he went out of the room, he knew, +for the first time, what criminals with consciences feel like when they +are engaged in following their dread profession. + +As he walked across the landing he heard a clock strike eleven. He +started, hastened into his room, tore off his coat, replaced it with a +quilted smoking-jacket, sprang lightly to his table, seized a +planisphere, or star-map, which he had succeeded in obtaining that +night from a small working astronomer's shop in the Edgeware Road, and, +mindful of the terms of his oath and the decided opinion of Robert +Green, scurried hastily, but very gingerly, down the stairs. This time +Mrs. Merillia did not hear him. She had indeed become absorbed in a new +romance, written by a very rising young Montenegrin who was just then +making some stir in the literary circles of the elect. + +Very surreptitiously the Prophet tripped across the hall and reached +the stout door which gave access to the servants' quarters. But here he +paused. Although he had lived in Mrs. Merillia's most comfortable home +for at least fifteen years, he had actually never once penetrated +beyond this door. It had never occurred to him to do so. Often he had +approached it. Quite recently, when Mrs. Fancy Quinglet had broken into +tears on the refusal of Sir Tiglath Butt to burst according to her +prediction, he had handed her to this very portal. But he had never +passed through it, nor did he know what lay beyond. No doubt there was +a kitchen, very probably the mysterious region of watery activities +commonly known as a scullery, quite certainly a butler's pantry. But +where each separate sanctum lay, and what should be the physiognomy of +each one the Prophet had not the vaguest idea. As he turned the handle +of the door he felt like Sir Henry Stanley, when that intrepid explorer +first set foot among the leafy habitations of the dwarfs. + +As the door opened the Prophet found himself in a large apartment whose +walls were decorated with the efforts of those great painters who feed +the sentimental imaginations of the masses in the beautiful Christmas +numbers of our artistic day. Enchanting little girls and exceedingly +human dogs observed his entrance from every hand, while such +penetrating and suggestive legends as "Don't bite!" "Mustn't!" +"Naughty!" "Would 'ums?" and the like, filled his mind with the lofty +thoughts so suitable to the Christmas season. Over the mantelpiece was +a /Cook's Almanac for the Home/, decorated in bright colours, a +/Butler's own book/, bound in claret-coloured linen, and a large framed +photograph of Francatelli, that immortal /chef/ whose memory is kept +green in so many kitchens, and whose recipes are still followed as are +followed the footprints of the great ones in the Everlasting Sands of +Time. One corner of the room Gustavus had made his own, and here might +be seen his tasteful what-not and his little library--neatly arranged +unabridged farthing editions of Drummond's /Ascent of Man/, Mill's +/Liberty/, Crampton's /Origin of Self-Respect/, Barlow's /A +Philosophical Examination into the Art and Practice of Tipping and +Receiving Tips/, and other volumes suitable for an intellectual +footman's reading. An eight-day clock, which was carefully and lovingly +wound up by the prudent Mrs. Fancy Quinglet every morning and evening, +snored peacefully in a recess by the hearth, and, from a crevice near +the window, the bright, intelligent eyes of a couple of well-developed +black-beetles--mother and son--contentedly surveyed the cheerful scene. + +The Prophet, after a moment's pause of contemplation, passed on through +a swing door, covered with green baize, and down some stairs to the +inner courts of this interesting region. This time he came to anchor in +a room which, he thought, might well have been a butler's pantry had it +contained a large-sized telescope. It was in fact the parlour set apart +for the use of the kitchen and scullery maids, and was brightly fitted +up with a dresser, a cupboard for skewers, a rolling-pin, a basting +machine, and other similar adjuncts. It gave on to the kitchen, in +which the cat of the house was enjoying well-earned slumber in the +attitude of a black ball. So far his exploring tour had quite fulfilled +the rather vague expectations of the Prophet, but he now began to feel +anxious. Time was passing on and he had sworn to be at the telescope by +eleven sharp. He had, therefore, already slightly fractured his oath, +and he had no desire to earn the anathema of all such men as Robert +Green by breaking it into small pieces. Where was the butler's pantry? +He glanced eagerly round the kitchen, perceived a door, passed through +it, and found himself confronted by a sink. He had gained the scullery, +but not his goal. To the right of the sink was yet another door through +which the Prophet, who carried the planisphere in one hand, the George +the Third candlestick in the other, rather excitedly debouched into a +good-sized passage. As he did so he heard the muffled alto voice of the +eight-day clock proclaim that it was a quarter-past eleven. Feeling +that he was now upon the point of breaking both the promises of the +damned fool, the Prophet hastened along the passage, darted through the +first outlet, and found himself abruptly face to back with what +appeared at first glance to be an enormously broad and bow-legged +dwarf, with a bald head and a black tail coat, which, in an attitude of +savage curiosity, was gazing through a gigantic instrument, whose +muzzle projected from an open window into a spacious area. So great was +the Prophet's surprise, so supreme the shock to his whole nervous +system occasioned by this unexpected encounter, that he did not utter a +cry. His amazement carried him into that terrible region which lies +beyond the realms of speech. He simply stood quite still and gazed at +the bow-legged dwarf, which, in its turn, continued to gaze savagely +through the gigantic instrument into the area. Not for perhaps three or +four minutes did the Prophet realise that this dwarf was merely an +ingeniously shortened form of Mr. Ferdinand, who, with his legs very +wide apart, and making two accurate right angles at their respective +knee-joints, his head thrown well back, and his arms arranged in two +perfect capital V's, with the elbows pointing directly at the walls on +either side of him, had been busily engaged for the last hour and a +quarter in trying to focus firstly the Lord Chancellor's house on the +opposite side of the square, and secondly the pleasant-looking second- +cook in it. That his chivalrous efforts had not yet been crowned with +complete success will be understood when we say that he had seen during +his first half-hour of contemplation nothing at all, during his second +half-hour the left-hand top star of the Great Bear, and finally the +fourth spike from the end of the iron railing which enclosed the square +garden, at which he had been gazing closely for precisely fifteen +minutes and a half when the Prophet darted into the pantry. + +Having at length recovered from his shock of surprise sufficiently to +realise that the enormous and immobile dwarf was Mr. Ferdinand, and +that Mr. Ferdinand was not yet aware of his presence, the Prophet +resolved to beat a rapid and noiseless retreat. He carried this resolve +into execution by turning sharply round, knocking his head against a +plate chest, firing the George the Third candlestick into the passage, +and letting the planisphere go into the china jar of "Butler's own +special pomade" which Mr. Ferdinand kept always open for use upon the +pantry table. + +To say that Mr. Ferdinand ceased from looking through the telescope for +the Lord Chancellor's second-cook at this juncture would, perhaps, not +convey quite a fair idea of the activity which he could on occasion +display even at his somewhat advanced age. It might be more just to +state that, without wasting any precious time in useless elongation, he +described an exceedingly rapid circular movement, still preserving the +shortened form of himself which had so deceived and startled his +master, and brought his eye from the orifice of the telescope to a +level with the Prophet's knees exactly at the moment when the Prophet +rebounded from the plate chest into the centre of the apartment. + +"Oh, is it you, Mr. Ferdinand?" said the Prophet, controlling every +symptom of anguish, with the exception of a rapid flutter of the +eyelids. "I was looking for--for a bradawl." + +The Prophet's choice of this useful little implement as the reason for +his presence in Mr. Ferdinand's special sanctum was prompted by the +fact that, just as he was speaking, he happened to see a bradawl lying +upon a neighbouring knife cupboard in the company of a corkscrew. + +"And here, I see, is just what I want," he added calmly. + +So far he had displayed extraordinary composure, but at this point he +made a slight mistake, for he picked up the corkscrew and sauntered +quietly away with it into the darkness, leaving Mr. Ferdinand still in +the attitude of a Toby jug, the planisphere still head downwards in the +butler's own special pomade, and the George the Third candlestick +stretched at full length upon the passage floor. + + + +CHAPTER X + +THE PROPHET AND MALKIEL THE SECOND CONVERSE BY TELEGRAM + + "Hennessey Vivian, 1000 Berkeley Square, W. + + "Please wire result of last night's observations from eleven till + three inclusive.--Sagittarius." + + "Jupiter Sagittarius, Sagittarius Lodge, Crampton St. Peter, N. + + "Impossible wire result, will write at length after taking further + observations to-night.--Vivian." + + "Certainly write at length, but meanwhile wire all important results + in condensed form.--Sagittarius." + + "Results not sufficiently important to wire, letter without fail + to-morrow.--Vivian." + + "Never mind unimportance, wire whatever results obtained.-- + Sagittarius." + + "On consideration think results too important to wire, will explain + by letter.--Vivian." + + "Your second and third wires in direct contradiction; kindly + reconcile opposing statements.--Sagittarius." + + "Cannot reconcile by wire, will do so by letter.--Vivian." + + "Then meanwhile request forecast of grandmother so far as gathered + last night.--Sagittarius." + + "Quite impossible discuss grandmother by wire.--Vivian." + + "Not at all; couch in careful terms, shall understand; no need put + grandmother's name.--Sagittarius." + + "Quite impossible; grandmother too sacred for treatment by wire, + long and full letter to-morrow.--Vivian." + + "Absurd! Call her Harry and wire her future as obtained last night; + shall understand.--Sagittarius." + + "Cannot possibly consent call grandmother Harry; pray cease; + succession of telegraph boys to house attracting general attention + in square.--Vivian." + + "Must insist; then call her Susan and wire.--Sagittarius." + + "Cannot possibly consent to call her Susan; discussion of such + matter by wire not decent; regret must absolutely decline. + --Vivian." + + "Madame and self insulted by accusation not decent; demand + explanation and apology.--Sagittarius." + + "Regret; no desire give pain to lady, but this must cease; + grandmother and square seriously upset by procession of telegraph + boys.--Vivian." + + "Cannot help square and grandmother; must have last night's result + to compare with own observation of grandmother with crab and + scorpion.--Sagittarius." + + "Pray cease; would rather die than discuss grandmother with crab + and scorpion by wire.--Vivian." + + "Rubbish! Call crab Susan, scorpion Jane, grandmother Harry, and + wire; absolutely insist.--Sagittarius." + + "Absolutely decline discuss crab, scorpion and grandmother by wire; + final.--Vivian. + + "Scandalous! not behaviour of gentleman; Madame cut to heart; + infamous.--Sagittarius." + + "Mater familiaris pallidibus ira.--Madame Sagittarius." + + "If receive no reply as to grandmother and crab, et cetera, shall + start at once for Square.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius." + + "On no account trouble come up; going out immediately; important + engagement.--Vivian." + + "Madame putting on boots.--Sagittarius." + + "Utterly useless put on boots; leaving house.--Vivian." + + "Madame boots on; tying bonnet.--Sagittarius." + + "Totally useless tie bonnet; absolutely forced leave house. + --Vivian." + + "Madame in pelisse; shall come in wait till your return. + --Sagittarius." + + "Regret pelisse; quite useless; out till late evening.--Vivian." + + "Shall stay till whatever hour; have on hat and bonnet now; + starting.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius." + + "For Heaven's sake don't; will wire whatever you wish.--Vivian." + + "Don't. Ankles perhaps catching; dangerous Capricornus.--Vivian." + + "Have you started?--Vivian." + + "Have not started, but at threshold of door; wire full explanation + of crab with grandmother, et cetera, last night or shall start + instanter.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius." + + "Truth is very little result last night; did not see crab with + grandmother; deeply regret.--Vivian." + + "Then wire result of scorpion with grandmother.--Sagittarius." + + "Very sorry did not see scorpion with grandmother.--Vivian." + + "Impossible; believe stars out; clear sky; self and Madame + distinctly observed crab and scorpion with grandmother for four + hours.--Sagittarius." + + "On honour did not see crab, scorpion or grandmother.--Vivian." + + "Then has grandmother passed over?--Sagittarius." + + "Certainly not, but no result; pray cease discussion, grandmother + and square distracted by incessant uproar of boys at door. + --Vivian." + + "Leaving house; with you as soon as possible.--Jupiter and Madame + Sagittarius." + + "Heaven's sake don't; tell truth; did not look through telescope at + all last night.--Vivian." + + "What meaning of this swore oath broken; no gentleman; coming at + once for explanation.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius." + + "Stop; sending boy messenger with full explanation; severe accident + last night, injured head, so unable look for crab, grandmother and + scorpion.--Vivian." + + "Astounded, upset, Madame says not conduct gentleman; might have + seen crab, grandmother and scorpion with injured head; mere excuse + --caput mortuus decrepitum cancer.--Sagittarius." + + "Pray excuse; look to-night without fail; Heaven's sake cease + writing; grandmother and whole square amazement, confusion; shall + go mad if continues.--Vivian." + + "Very well, but insist on full letter; confidence in oath much + shaken; wires most shifty; gross neglect of crab, grandmother and + scorpion.--Sagittarius." + + "Homo miserum sed magnum est veritatus et praevalebetur.--Madame + Sagittarius." + + + +CHAPTER XI + +MISS MINERVA OPENS HER BOOK OF REVELATION IN A CAB + +"Assure the Lord Chancellor that the last boy has been and gone--gone +away, that is, Mr. Ferdinand, and that I pledge my sacred word not to +have another telegram to-day." + +"Yes, sir. His lordship desired that you should be informed that, +according to the law regulating public abominations and intolerable +street noises, you was liable to--" + +"I know, I know." + +"And that, by the Act dealing with gross offences against the public +order and scandalous crimes against the peace of metropolitan +communities, you was amenable--" + +"Exactly. Go to his lordship and swear--" + +"I couldn't do that so soon again, sir, really. I swore only as short +ago as yesterday, sir, by your express order, but--" + +"I mean asseverate to his lordship that the very last boy has knocked +for the very last time." + +"It wasn't so much the knocking, sir, his lordship complained of, as +the boys coming to the door meeting the boys going away from it, and +blocking up the pavement, sir, so that no one could get past and--" + +"Yes, yes. Go and asseverate at once, Mr. Ferdinand." + +"Very well, sir. And Her Grace, the Duchess of Camberwell, who is +passing from one fit to another, sir, from fright at the uproar and +telegrams going to the wrong house, sir?" + +"Implore Her Grace to have courage and to trust me as a gentleman when +I promise solemnly that the knocking shall not be renewed." + +"Very well, sir." + +"Mr. Ferdinand!" + +"Sir?" + +"Have the knockers swathed in cotton-wool at once." + +"Yes, sir," + +"And--fix a bulletin on the door. Wait! I'll write it." + +The Prophet hastened to his writing table and, with a hand that +trembled violently, wrote on a card as follows:-- + +"Owner of this house seriously ill, pray do not knock or /death/ shall +certainly ensue." + +"There! Poor grannie will have peace now. Nail that up, Mr. Ferdinand, +under the cotton-wool." + +"Very well, sir. Mrs. Merillia, sir, would be glad to speak to you for +a moment. You remember I informed you?" + +"I'll go to her at once. But first bring me a glass of brandy, Mr. +Ferdinand. I'm feeling extremely unwell." + +And the Prophet, who was paler far than ashes, and beaded from top to +toe with perspiration, sank down feebly upon a chair and let his head +drop on the blotting-pad that lay on his writing-table. + +When he had swallowed an inch or two of cognac he got up, pulled +himself together with both hands, and walked, like an elderly person +afflicted with incipient locomotor ataxy, upstairs into the drawing- +room where Mrs. Merillia was lying on a sofa, ministered to by Fancy +Quinglet, who, at the moment of his entrance, was busily engaged in +stuffing a large wad of cotton-wool into the right ear of her beloved +mistress. + +"Leave us please, Fancy," said Mrs. Merillia, in a voice that sounded +much older than usual. "And as your head is so bad, too, you had better +lie down." + +"Thank you, ma'am. If I keep upright, ma'am, I feel my head will split +asunder. I can't speak different nor feel other." + +"Then don't be upright." + +"No, ma'am. Them that feels other, let them declare it!" and Mrs. Fancy +retired, holding both hands to her temples, and uttering very +distinctly sundry stifled moans. + +Mrs. Merillia motioned the Prophet to a chair, and, after lying quite +still for about five minutes with her eyes tightly shut, said in a weak +tone of voice,-- + +"How many more telegrams do you expect, Hennessey? You have had twenty- +seven within the last three hours. Can you give me a rough general idea +of the average number you anticipate will probably arrive every hour +from now till the offices close?" + +"Grannie, grannie, forgive me! I assure you--" + +"Don't be afraid to tell me, Hennessey. It is much better to know the +worst, and fact it bravely. Will the present average be merely +sustained, or do you expect the quantity to increase towards night? +because if so--" + +"Grannie, there will be no more. I swear to you solemnly that I will +not have another telegram to-day. I will not upon my sacred honour. +Nothing--not wild horses even--shall induce me." + +"Horses! Then were they racing tips, Hennessey? Yes, give me the /eau +de Cologne/ and fan me gently. Were they racing tips?" + +"Oh, grannie, how could you suppose--" + +At this moment Mr. Ferdinand entered softly and went up to Mrs. +Merillia. + +"Mr. Q. Elisha Hubsbee, ma'am. He is deeply distressed and asks for +news . . ." + +"The Central American Ambassador's grandfather," said Mrs. Merillia, +reading the card which Mr. Ferdinand handed to her. + + "Shocked to hear you are so ill that a knock will finish you. Guess + you must be far gone. Earnest sympathy. Have you tried patent + morphia molasses? + +Q. E. H." + + +"Ah! how things get about! Tell Mr. Elisha Hubsbee the knocks have +nearly killed us all, Mr. Ferdinand, but we are bearing up as well as +can be expected. If necessary we will certainly try the molasses." + +"Yes, ma'am." + +"It is two o'clock now, Hennessey. The Charing Cross office is open +till midnight, I believe, so at the present rate you should only have +about ninety more telegrams to-day. But if you have reason to expect--" + +Mr. Ferdinand re-entered. + +"Mrs. Hendrick Marshall has called, ma'am. She desired me to say she +was passing the door and was much horrified to find that you are so +near the point, ma'am." + +"What point, Mr. Ferdinand?" + +"Of death, ma'am. She had no idea at all, ma'am." + +"Oh, thank Mrs. Hendrick Marshall, Mr. Ferdinand, and say we shall try +to keep from the point for the present. + +"Yes, ma'am." + +"--That the numbers will go up as the afternoon draws on, Hennessey--" + +"Grannie, haven't I sworn, and have you ever known me to tell you a--" + +Suddenly the Prophet stopped short, thinking how that very night he +would be forced by his oath to "Madame and self" to break his promise +to his grandmother, how already it would have been broken had not Mr. +Ferdinand on the previous night been in possession of the telescope. + +"The Chancellor of the Exchequer, ma'am, desires his compliments, and +he begs you to last out, if possible, till he has fetched Sir William +Broadbent to see you. He is going there on his bike, ma'am, and had no +conception you was dying till he knew it this moment, ma'am." + +"Thank the Chancellor, Mr. Ferdinand, and say that though we must all +go out some day I have no desire for a dissolution at present, and +shall do my best to prove myself worthy of my constitution." + +"Yes, ma'am." + +Mr. Ferdinand retired, brushing away a tear. + +"It would not be feasible, I suppose, Hennessey, to station Gustavus +permanently at the telegraph office with a small hamper, so that he +might collect the wires in it as they arrive and convey them here, once +an hour or so, entering by the area door. I thought perhaps that might +obviate--" + +Mr. Ferdinand once more appeared, looking very puffy about the eyes. + +"If you please, ma'am, La--ady Julia Pos--ostlethwaite is below, and +asks whe--ether you are truly going ma'am?" + +"Going? Where to, Mr. Ferdinand?" + +"The other pla--ace, ma'am. Her ladyship is crying something terrible, +ma'am, and says, till she no--no--noticed the fact she had no--no-- +notion you was leaving us so soon, ma'am." + +Here Mr. Ferdinand uttered a very strange and heartrending sound that +was rather like the bark of a dog with a bad cold in its head. + +"It is really very odd so many people finding out so soon!" said Mrs. +Merillia in some surprise. "Tell her ladyship, Mr. Ferdinand, that--" + +But at this moment there was the sound of feet on the stairs, and Lady +Enid Thistle hurried into the room, closely followed by Mr. Robert +Green. Lady Enid went up at once to Mrs. Merillia. + +"I am so shocked and distressed to see your news, dear Mrs. Merillia," +she cried affectionately. "But," she added, with much inquisitiveness, +"is it really true that if anyone tapped on the door you would +certainly die? How can you be so sure of yourself." + +"What do you mean? Ah, Mr. Green, how d'you do? See my news!" + +"Yes, written up on the front door. Everyone's shocked." + +"Rather!" said Mr. Green, gazing at Mrs. Merillia with confused +mournfulness. "One doesn't see death on a front door every day, don't +you know, in big round hand too, and then one of those modern words." + +"Death on the front door in big round hand!" said Mrs. Merillia in the +greatest perplexity. + +"I put it there, grannie," said the Prophet, humbly. "I wrote that if +another boy knocked, death would certainly ensue." + +"Ensue. That's it. I knew it was one of those modern words," said Mr. +Green. + +"Another boy?" said Lady Enid. "Why should another boy knock?" + +"Hennessey receives about nine telegrams an hour," answered Mrs. +Merillia. + +"Really!" + +Lady Enid looked at him with keen interest, while Mrs. Merillia +continued,-- + +"You had better take death off the door now, Mr. Ferdinand. I feel more +myself. Please thank her ladyship and tell her so." + +"Yes, ma'am." + +"Nine telegrams an hour!" repeated Lady Enid. "Mr. Vivian, would you +mind just seeing me as far as Hill Street? Bob has to go to +Tattersall's." + +"Have I, Niddy?" asked Mr. Green, with evident surprise. + +"Yes, to pick up a polo pony. Don't you recollect?" + +"A polo pony, was it? By Jove!" + +"I will come with pleasure," said the poor Prophet, who felt fit only +to lie down quietly in his grave. "If you don't mind being left, +grannie?" + +Mrs. Merillia was looking pleased. + +"No, no. Go with Lady Enid, my dear boy. If any telegrams come shall I +open--" + +"No," cried the Prophet, with sudden fierce energy. "For mercy's sake-- +I mean, grannie, dear; that none will come. If they should"--his +ordinary gentle eyes flamed almost furiously--"Mr. Ferdinand is to burn +them unread--yes, to ashes. I will tell him." And he escorted Lady Enid +tumultuously downstairs, missing his footing at every second step. + +In the square they parted from Mr. Green, who said,-- + +"Good-bye, Niddy, old girl. What do I want to pick up at Tattersall's?" + +"A polo pony, Bob," she answered firmly. + +"Oh, a polo pony. Thanks, Chin, chin, Hen. Polo pony is it?" + +He strode off, whistling "She wore a wreath of roses" in a puzzled +manner, but still preserving the accepted demeanour of a bulwark. + +As soon as Mr. Green was out of sight Lady Enid said,-- + +"We aren't going to Hill Street." + +"Aren't we?" replied the Prophet, feebly. + +"No. I must see Sir Tiglath Butt to-day. I want you to take me to his +door." + +"Where is his door?" + +"In Kensington Square. Do you mind hailing a four-wheeler. We can talk +privately there. No one will hear us." + +The Prophet hailed a growler, wondering whether they would be able to +hear each other. As they got in Lady Enid, after giving the direction, +said to the cabman, who was a short person, with curling ebon whiskers, +a broken-up expression and a broken-down manner: + +"Drive slowly, please and I'll give you an extra six-pence." + +"Lydy?" + +"Drive slowly, and I'll give you another six-pence." + +"How did yer think I was gawing to drive, lydy?" + +"I wonder why cabmen are always so interested in one's inmost +thoughts," said Lady Enid, as the horse fell down preparatory to +starting. + +"I wonder." + +"I hope he will go slowly." + +"He seems to be doing so." + +At this point the horse, after knocking on the front of the cab with +his hind feet ten or a dozen times, got up, hung his head, and drew a +large number of deep and dejected breaths. + +"Am I gawing slowly enough, lydy?" asked the cabman, anxiously. + +"Yes, but you can let him trot along now." + +"Right, lydy, I ain't preventing of him." + +As eventually they scrambled slowly forward in the Kensington +direction, Lady Enid remarked,-- + +"Why don't you have them sent to Jellybrand's?" + +"Have what?" asked the Prophet. + +"Your telegrams. The messages from your double life. I do." + +"But I assure you--" + +"Mr. Vivian, it's useless really. I find you hidden away in the inner +room of Jellybrand's with Mr. Sagittarius, closely guarded by Frederick +Smith; fourpenny champagne--" + +"Four bob--shilling, I mean." + +"Oh, was it?--Upon the table. After I've been poisoned, and we are +leaving, Mr. Sagittarius calls after you such expressions as 'Banks of +the Mouse--hear from me--marrow--architects and the last day.' You are +obviously agitated by these expressions. We reach your house. I find +you have been prophesying through a telescope. The name of Malkiel--a +well-known prophet--is mentioned. You turn pale and glance at me +imploringly, as if to solicit my silence. I am silent. The next day you +announce that you are going to have two afternoon parties." + +"No, no, not afternoon! I never said afternoon!" interposed the +Prophet, frantically, as the horse fell down again in order to earn the +extra sixpence. + +"Well, two parties in the afternoon. It's the same thing. You say they +are odd. You yourself acknowledge it. You tell me you have secrets." + +"Did I?" + +"Yes. When I said I had guessed your secret you replied, 'Which one?' " + +"Oh!" murmured the Prophet, trying not to say "come in!" to the horse, +which was again knocking with both feet upon the front of the cab. + +"You go home. I call during the afternoon, and find that you are +entertaining all your guests in your own little room and that your +grandmother knows nothing of it and believes you to be working. As I am +leaving I see the backs of two of your guests. One is a pelisse, the +other a spotted collar. As I near them they mount into a purple omnibus +on which is printed in huge letters, /'To the "Pork Butcher's +Rest" '/--" + +"No! No!" ejaculated the Prophet, pale with horror at this revelation. + +"/Rest/, Crampton Vale, N. I lose them in the shadows. The next day I +call and find your grandmother is dying from the noise made by boys +bringing you private telegrams. And then you tell me, me--Minerva +Partridge--that you have no double life! Yes, you can let him get up +now, please." + +The cabman permitted the horse to do so and they again struggled +funereally forward. The Prophet was still very pale. + +"I suppose it is useless to--very well," he said. "My life is double." + +"Ah!" + +"But only lately, quite lately." + +"Never mind that. Oh! How glad I am that you have had the courage too! +You will soon get into it, as I did. But you should have all your +telegrams and so forth directed to Jellybrand's." + +"It's too late," replied the Prophet, dejectedly. "Too late. I do wish +that horse wouldn't fall down so continually! It's most monotonous." + +"The poor man naturally wants the extra sixpence. I think I shall give +him a shilling. But now who is Mr. Sagittarius?" + +"Who is he?" + +"Yes. I've seen him several times at Jellybrand's, and when I first met +him I though he was an outside broker." + +"You! Was it on the pier at Margate?" + +"Certainly not! Really, Mr. Vivian! even in my double life I +occasionally draw the line." + +"I beg your pardon. I--the horse confuses me." + +"Well, he's stopped knocking now and will be up in another minute. Who +did you say Mr. Sagittarius was?" + +"I didn't say he was anybody, but he's a man." + +"I'd guessed that." + +"And an acquaintance of mine." + +"Yes?" + +"I'm afraid it's going to rain." + +"It generally does in Knightsbridge. Yes?" + +"Is Sir Tiglath likely to be in?" + +"He knows I'm coming. Well, you haven't told me who Mr. Sagittarius +is." + +"Lady Enid," said the Prophet, desperately, "I know very little of Mr. +Sagittarius beyond the fact that he's a man, which I've already +informed you of." + +"Is he an outside broker?" + +"No." + +"Then he's Malkiel. You can't deny it." + +"I can deny anything," said the Prophet, who, already upset by the +events of the day, was now goaded almost to desperation. "I can and-- +and must. There's the horse down again!" + +"I shall have to give the man one and sixpence. Are your going to keep +your promise to Mrs. Merillia and Sir Tiglath?" + +To this question the Prophet determined to give a direct answer, in +order to draw Lady Enid away from the more dangerous subjects. + +"No," he said, with a spasm of pain. + +"I knew you wouldn't be able to." + +"Why?" + +"Because when one's once been really and truly silly it's impossible +not to repeat the act, absolutely impossible. You'll never stop now. +You'll go on from one thing to another, as I do." + +"I cannot think that prophecy is silly," said the Prophet, with some +stiffness. + +She looked at him with frank admiration. + +"You're worse than I am! It's splendid!" + +"Worse!" + +"Why, yes. You're foolish enough to think your silly acts sensible. I +wish I could get to that. Then perhaps I could impose on Sir Tiglath +more easily too." + +She considered this idea seriously, as they started on again, and +gradually got free of the little crowd that had been sitting on the +horse's head. + +"I must impose upon him," she said. "And you've got to help me." + +"I!" cried the Prophet, feeling terribly unequal to everything. "I +cannot possibly consent--" + +"Yes, dear Mr. Vivian, you can. And if two thoroughly silly people +can't impose upon one sensible old man, it will be very strange indeed. +And now I'm going to tell you what I hadn't time to tell you +yesterday." + +She leaned forward and tapped sharply on the rattling glass in front of +the cab. The cabman, bending down, twisted his whiskers towards her. + +"Don't go too fast." + +"I can't get 'im to fall down agyne, lydy. 'E's too tired." + +"I daresay. But don't let him walk quite so fast." + +She drew back. + +"Mr. Vivian," she said--and the Prophet thought she had never looked +more sensible than now, as she began this revelation--"Mr. Vivian, +among the silly people I have met in my dear double life, who do you +think are the very silliest?" + +"The anti-vaccinators?" + +"No. Besides, they so often have small-pox and become quite sensible." + +"The atheists?" + +"I used to think so, but not now. And most of those I knew are Roman +Catholics at present." + +"The women who don't desire to be slaves?" + +"There aren't any." + +"The tearers of Paderewski's hair?" + +"I so seldom meet them, because they all live out in the suburbs." + +"The tight-lacers?" + +"They get red noses, poor things, and disappear. They're not permanent +enough to count as the very silliest." + +"I give it up." + +"The Spiritualists and the Christian Scientists. That's why I love them +best, and spend most of my double life with them. How you would get on +with them! How much at ease you would be in their midst!" + +"Really! But aren't they in opposite camps?" + +"Dear things! They often think so, I believe. But really they aren't. +Half the Christian Scientists begin as Spiritualists. And a great many +Spiritualists were once Christian Scientists." + +"Which are you?" + +"Both, of course." + +"Dear me!" + +"As you will be when you've got thoroughly into your double life. Well, +my greatest friend--in my double life, you understand--is a Mrs. Vane +Bridgeman, a Christian Scientist and Spiritualist. She is very rich, +and magnificently idiotic. She supports all foolish charities. She has +almshouses for broken-down mediums on Sunnington Common in Kent. She +has endowed a hospital for sick fortune-tellers. She gave five hundred +pounds to the home for indigent thought-readers, and nearly as much to +the 'Palmists' Seaside Retreat' at Millaby Bay near Dover. I don't know +how many Christian Science Temples she hasn't erected, or subscribed +liberally to. She turns every table in her house. She won't leave even +one alone. Her early breakfasts for star-gazers are famous, and it's +impossible to dine with her without sitting next to a horoscope-caster, +or being taken in--to dinner, of course--by a crystal diviner or a +nose-prophet." + +"A nose-prophet! What's that?" + +"A person who tells your fortune by the shape of your nose." + +"Oh, I see." + +"Well, you understand now that there's no sillier person in London than +dear Mrs. Bridgeman?" + +"Oh, quite." + +"She's done a great deal for me, more than I can ever repay." + +"Indeed." + +"Yes, in introducing me to the real inner circles of idiotcy. Well, in +return, I've sworn--" + +"You too!" + +"What do you mean?" + +"Oh, nothing. I beg your pardon. Please go on." + +She looked at him curiously, and continued. + +"I've sworn--that is, pledged my honour, you know--" + +"I know! I know!" + +"To introduce her to at least one thoroughly sensible person--a man, +she prefers." + +"And you've chosen--?" + +"Sir Tiglath, because he's the only one I know. Once, I confess, I +thought of you." + +"Of me!" + +"Yes, but of course I didn't really know you then." + +She looked at him with genuine regard. The Prophet scarcely knew +whether to feel delighted or distressed. + +"Now, you see, Mr. Vivian, if Sir Tiglath found out for certain that I +was Miss Minerva, he might discover my double life, and if he did that, +he is so sensible that I am sure he would never speak to me again, and +I could not fulfil my vow to dear Mrs. Bridgeman." + +"I quite see." + +"Nor my other vow to myself." + +"Which one?" + +"Oh, never mind." + +"I won't." + +"He only said that about partridges in January, I find, because he +happened to see one of my letters in Jellybrand's window. He doesn't +associate that letter with me. So it ought to be all right, and I've +arranged my campaign." + +"But what can I--?" + +She smiled at him with some Scottish craft. + +"Don't bother. You've got to be my aide-de-camp, that's all. Ah, here +we are!" + +For at this moment the horse, with a great effort succeeded in falling +down, for the last time, before the astronomer's door. + + + +CHAPTER XII + +THE ELABORATE MIND OF MISS MINERVA + +On being shown, by an elderly housekeeper with a Berlin wool fringe, +into an old-fashioned oval book-room, Lady Enid and the Prophet +discovered the astronomer sitting there /tete-a-tete/ with a muffin, +which lay on a china plate surrounded by manuscripts, letters, +pamphlets, books and blotting-paper. He was engaged in tracing lines +upon an immense sheet of foolscap with the aid of a ruler and a pair of +compasses, and when he perceived his visitors, he merely rolled his +glassy eyes at them, shook his large head as if in rebuke, and then +returned to his occupation without uttering a word. + +Lady Enid was in nowise abashed. She looked more sensible even than +usual, and at once commenced her campaign by the remark,-- + +"I know you wonder why I wanted to see you this afternoon, Sir Tiglath. +Well, I'll tell you at once. Mr. Vivian has persuaded me to act as his +ambassador." + +At this very unexpected statement the Prophet started, and was about to +utter what might, perhaps, have taken the form of a carefully-worded +denial, when Lady Enid made a violent face at him, and proceeded, in a +calm manner. + +"He wishes you to do something for him, and he has confessed to me that +he does not quite like to ask you himself." + +On hearing these words the Prophet's brain, already sorely tried by the +tragic duel which had taken place between himself and the couple who +lived beside the Mouse, temporarily collapsed. He attempted no protest. +His mind indeed was not in a condition to invent one. He simply sat +down on a small pile of astronomical instruments which, with some +scientific works, an encyclopaedia and a pair of carpet slippers, +occupied the nearest chair, and waited in a dazed manner for what would +happen next. + +Sir Tiglath continued measuring and drawing lines with a very thin pen, +and Lady Enid proceeded further to develop her campaign. + +"Mr. Vivian tells me," she said, "that he has a very old and dear +friend who is most anxious to make your acquaintance--not, of course, +for any idle social purpose, but in order to consult you on some +obscure point connected with astronomy that only you can render clear. +Isn't this so, Mr. Vivian?" + +The Prophet shifted uneasily on the astronomical instruments, and, +grasping the carpet slippers with one hand to steady himself, in answer +to an authoritative sign from Lady Enid, feebly nodded his head. + +"But," Lady Enid continued, apparently warming to her lies, "Mr. Vivian +and his friend, knowing how much your time is taken up by astronomical +research and how intensely valuable it is to the world at large, have +not hitherto dared to intrude upon it, although they have wished to do +so for a very long time, and have even made one attempt--at the Colley +Cibber Club." + +The Prophet gasped. Sir Tiglath took a bit out of the muffin and +returned to his tracing and measuring. + +"On that occasion you may remember," Lady Enid went on with increasing +vivacity and assurance, "you declined to speak. This naturally damped +Mr. Vivian--who is very sensitive, though you might not think it"--here +she cast a glance at the instruments on which the Prophet sat--"and his +friend. So much so, in fact, that unless I had undertaken to act for +them I daresay they would have let the matter drop. Wouldn't you, Mr. +Vivian?" she added swiftly to the Prophet. + +"Certainly," he answered, like a creature in a dream. "Certainly." + +"More especially as the friend, Mrs. Vane Bridgeman"--the Prophet at +this point made an inarticulate, but very audible, noise that might +have meant anything, and that did in fact mean "Merciful Heavens! what +will become of me?"--"Mrs. Vane Bridgeman is also of a very retiring +disposition and would hate to put such a man as you are to the +slightest inconvenience." + +Sir Tiglath took another bite at the muffin, which seemed to be getting +the worst of the /tete-a-tete/, rummaged among the mess of things that +loaded his table till he found a gigantic book, opened it, and began to +compare some measurements in it with those he had made on the foolscap +paper. His brick-red face glistened in the light of the lamp that stood +beside him. His moist red lips shone, and he seemed totally unaware +that there was anyone in the chamber endeavouring to gain his +attention. + +"In these circumstances, Sir Tiglath," Lady Enid went on, with pleasant +ease, and a sort of homespun self-possession that trumpeted, like a +military band, her sensibleness, "Mr. Vivian consulted me as to what to +do; whether to give the whole thing up, or to make an appeal to you at +the risk of disturbing you and taking up a little of your precious +time. When he had explained the affair to me, however, I at once felt +certain that you would wish to know of it. Didn't I, Mr. Vivian? Didn't +I say, only this afternoon, that we must at once take a four-wheeler to +Sir Tiglath's?" + +"Yes, you did," said the Prophet, in a muffled voice. + +"For I knew that no investigation, no serious, reverent investigation +into heavenly, that is starry, conditions could be indifferent to you, +Sir Tiglath." + +The astronomer, who had been in the act of lifting the last morsel of +the muffin to his mouth, put it down again, and Lady Enid, thus +vehemently encouraged, went on more rapidly. + +"You know of Mr. Vivian's interest, almost more than interest, in the +planets. This interest is shared, was indeed prompted by Mrs. +Bridgeman, a woman of serious attainments and a cultivated mind. Isn't +she, Mr. Vivian?" + +The Prophet heard a voice reply, "Oh, yes, she is." He often wondered +afterwards whether it was his own. + +"It seems that she, during certain researches, hit upon an idea with +regard to--well, shall I say with regard to certain stars?--which she +communicated to Mr. Vivian in the hope that he would carry it further, +and in fact clear it up. Didn't she, Mr. Vivian?" + +"Oh, yes, she did," said a voice, to which the Prophet again listened +with strained attention. + +"It was in connection with this idea that Mr. Vivian developed his +enthusiasm for the telescope--which led him, perhaps, a little too far, +Sir Tiglath, but I'm sure Mrs. Merillia and you have quite forgotten +that!" + +Here Lady Enid paused, and the astronomer achieved the final conquest +of the muffin. + +"He and Mrs. Bridgeman have been, in fact, working together, she being +the brain, as it were, and Mr. Vivian the eye. You've been the eye, Mr. +Vivian?" + +"I've been the eye." + +"But, despite all their ardour and assiduity, they have come to a sort +of deadlock. In these circumstances they come to you, making me--as +your, may I say intimate, friend?--their mouthpiece." + +Here Lady Enid paused rather definitely, and cast a glance of +apparently violent invitation at the Prophet, as if suggesting that he +must now amplify and fill in her story. As he did not do so, a heavy +silence fell in the room. Sir Tiglath had returned to his measuring, +and Lady Enid, for the first time, began to look slightly embarrassed. +Sending her eyes vaguely about the apartment, as people do on such +occasions, she chanced to see a newspaper lying on the floor near to +her. She bent down towards it, then raising herself up she said,-- + +"Mrs. Bridgeman some time ago came to the conclusion that there was +probably oxygen in certain stars, and not only in the fixed stars." + +At this remark the astronomer's countenance completely changed. He +swung round in his revolving chair, wagged his huge head from side to +side, and finally roared at the Prophet,-- + +"Is she telling the truth?" + +"I beg your pardon," said the Prophet, bounding on the instruments. + +"Get off those precious tools, young man, far more valuable than your +finite carcase! Get off them this moment and answer me--is this young +female speaking the truth?" + +The Prophet got off the instruments and, in answer to a firm, Scottish +gesture from Lady Enid, nodded his head twice. + +"What!" continued Sir Tiglath, puffing out his cheeks, "a woman be a +pioneer among the Heavenly Bodies!" + +The Prophet nodded again, as mechanically as a penny toy. + +"The old astronomer is exercised," bawled Sir Tiglath, with every +symptom of acute perturbation. "He is greatly exercised by the +narrative of the young female!" + +So saying, he heaved himself up out of his chair and began to roll +rapidly up and down the room, alternately distending his cheeks and +permitting them to collapse. + +"I should tell you also, Sir Tiglath," interposed Lady Enid, as if +struck by a sudden idea, "that Mrs. Bridgeman's original adviser and +assistant in her astronomical researches was a certain Mr. Sagittarius, +who is also an intimate friend of Mr. Vivian's." + +The Prophet sat down again upon the instruments with a thud. + +"Get off those precious tools, young man!" roared the astronomer +furiously. "Would you impose your vile body upon the henchmen of the +stars?" + +The Prophet got up again and leaned against the wall. + +"I feel unwell," he said in a low voice. "Exceedingly unwell. I regret +that I must really be going." + +Lady Enid did not seem to regret this abrupt indisposition. Perhaps she +thought that she had already accomplished her purpose. At any rate she +got up too, and prepared to take leave. The astronomer was still in +great excitement. + +"Who is this Mr. Sagittarius?" he bellowed. + +"A man of science. Isn't he, Mr. Vivian?" + +"Yes." + +"An astronomer of remarkable attainments, Mr. Vivian?" + +"Yes." + +"One knows not his abnormal name," cried the astronomer. + +"He is very modest, very retiring. Mrs. Bridgeman's is really the only +house in London at which you can meet him. Isn't that so, Mr. Vivian?" + +"Yes." + +"You say he has made investigation into the possibility of there being +oxygen in many of the holy stars?" + +"Mr. Vivian!" + +"Yes." + +"The old astronomer must encounter him!" exclaimed Sir Tiglath, puffing +furiously as he rolled about the room. + +"Mr. Vivian will arrange it," Lady Enid said, with sparkling eyes, "at +Mrs. Bridgeman's. That's a bargain. Come, Mr. Vivian!" + +And almost before the Prophet knew what she was doing, she had +maneuvered him out into Kensington Square, and was pioneering him +swiftly towards the High street. + +"We'll take a hansom home," she said gaily, "and the man can drive as +fast as ever he likes." + +In half a minute the Prophet found himself in a hansom, bowling along +towards Mayfair. The first words he said, when he was able to speak, +were,-- + +"Why--Mr. Sagittarius--oh, why?" + +Lady Enid smiled happily. + +"It just struck me while I was talking to Sir Tiglath that I would +introduce Mr. Sagittarius into the affair." + +"Oh, why?" + +"Why--because it seemed such an utterly silly thing to do," she +answered. "Didn't it?" + +The Prophet was silent. + +"Didn't it?" she repeated. "A thing worthy of Miss Minerva." + +It seemed to the Prophet just then as if Miss Minerva were going to +wreck his life and prepare him accurately for a future in Bedlam. + +"And besides you wouldn't tell me who Mr. Sagittarius was," she added. + +The Prophet began to realise that it is very dangerous indeed to deny +the curiosity of a woman. + +"What a mercy it is," Lady Enid continued lightly, "that Malkiel is a +syndicate, instead of a man. If he wasn't, and Sir Tiglath ever got to +know him, he would try to murder him, and how foolish that would be! It +would be rather amusing, though, to see Sir Tiglath do a thoroughly +foolish thing, wouldn't it!" + +The Prophet's blood ran cold in the cab, as he began, for the first +time, to see clearly into the elaborate mind of Miss Minerva, into the +curiously deliberate complications of a definite and determined folly. +He perceived the danger that threatened the prophet who dwelt beside +the Mouse, but he had recovered himself by this time sufficiently to +meet craft with craft. And he therefore answered carelessly,-- + +"Yes, it is lucky that Malkiel's a syndicate." + +When they reached Hill street Lady Enid said,-- + +"I'm so much obliged to you, Mr. Vivian, for all you've done for Miss +Minerva." + +"Not at all." + +"The next step is to introduce you to Mrs. Bridgeman, and you can +introduce her to Mr. Sagittarius. Then I'll introduce Sir Tiglath to +her and she will introduce Mr. Sagittarius to him. It all works out so +beautifully! Thank you a thousand times. You'll hear from me. Probably +I'll give you your directions how to act to-morrow. Good-night." + +The Prophet drove on to Berkeley Square, feeling that, between Mr. and +Madame Sagittarius and Miss Minerva, he was being rapidly directed to +his doom. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +THE PROPHET IS INTERVIEWED BY TWO KIDS + +Mr. Ferdinand met the Prophet in the hall. + +"I have done as you directed, sir," he said respectfully. + +"As I directed, Mr. Ferdinand? I was not aware that I ever directed +anybody," replied the Prophet, suspecting irony. + +"I understood you to say, sir, that if any more telegrams was to +arrive, I was to burn them, sir." + +"Telegrams! Good Heavens! You don't mean to say that--" + +"There has been some seventeen or eighteen, sir. I have burnt them, +sir, to ashes, according to your orders." + +"Quite right, Mr. Ferdinand," said the Prophet, putting his hand up to +his hair, to feel if it were turning grey. "Quite right. How is--how, I +say, is Mrs. Merillia?" + +"Well, Master Hennessey, she's not dead yet." + +And Mr. Ferdinand, with a contorted countenance moved towards the +servants' hall. + +The Prophet stood quite still with his hat and coat on for several +minutes. An amazing self-possession had come to him, the unnatural +self-possession of despair. He felt quite calm, as the statue of a dead +alderman feels on the embankment of its native city. Nothing seemed to +matter at all. He might have been Marcus Aurelius--till a loud double +knock came to the front door. Then he might have been any dangerous +lunatic, ripe for a strait waistcoat. Mr. Ferdinand approached. The +Prophet faced him. + +"Kindly retire, Mr. Ferdinand," he said in a very quiet voice. "I will +answer that knock." + +Mr. Ferdinand retired rather rapidly. The knock was repeated. The +Prophet opened the door. A telegraph boy, about two and a half feet +high, stood outside upon the step. + +"Telegram, sir," he said in a thin voice. + +"Give it to me, my lad," replied the Prophet. + +The small boy handed the telegram and turned to depart. + +"Wait a moment, my lad," said the Prophet, very gently. + +The small boy waited. + +"Do you wish to be strangled, my lad?" asked the Prophet. + +The small boy tried to recoil, but his terror rooted him firmly to the +spot. + +"Do all the other boys at the office wish to be strangled?" continued +the Prophet. "Come, my lad, why don't you answer me?" + +"No, sir," whispered the small boy, passing his little tongue over his +pale lips. + +"Very well, my lad, the next boy who brings a telegram to this house +will be strangled, do you understand that?" + +"Yes, sir," sighed the small boy, like a terror-stricken Zephyr. + +"That's right. Good-night, my lad." + +The Prophet closed the street door very softly, and the small boy +dropped fainting on the pavement and was carried to the nearest +hospital on a stretcher by two dutiful policemen. + +Meanwhile the Prophet opened the telegram and read as follows:-- + + "Insufferable insolence. How dare you; shall pay dearly; with you + to-morrow first 'bus. + +"JUPITER AND MADAME SAGITTARIUS." + + +"Mr. Ferdinand!" called the Prophet. + +"Yes, sir." + +"I am about to write a telegram. Gustavus will take it to the office." + +"Yes, sir." + +The Prophet went into the library and wrote these words on a telegraph +form:-- + + "Jupiter Sagittarius, Sagittarius Lodge, Crampton St. Peter, N. + Your life is in danger; keep where you are; another telegram may + destroy you. Grave news. + +"VIVIAN." + + +The Prophet gave this telegram to Gustavus and then prepared to go +upstairs to his grandmother. As he mounted towards the drawing-room he +murmured to himself over and over again,-- + +"Sir Tiglath--Malkiel! Malkiel--Sir Tiglath!" + +He found Mrs. Merillia very prostrate. It seemed that the telegraph +boys had very soon worn through the cotton-wool with which the knocker +had been shrouded, and that the incessant noise of their efforts to +attract attention at the door had quite unnerved the gallant old lady. +Nevertheless, her own condition was the last thing she thought of. + +"I don't mind for myself, Hennessey," she said. "But it is very sad +after all these years of respect and even, I think, a certain +popularity, to be considered a nuisance by one's square. We are +hopelessly embroiled with the Duchess of Camberwell, and the Lord +Chancellor has sent over five times to explain the different laws and +regulations that we are breaking. I don't see how you can go to his +Reception to-night, really." + +"I am not going, grannie," said the Prophet, overwhelmed with +contrition. "I cannot go in any case." + +"Why not?" + +"I--I have some work to do at home." + +He avoided the glance of her bright eyes, and continued. + +"Grannie, I am deeply grieved at all you have gone through to-day. +Believe me it has not been my fault--at least not entirely. I may have +been injudicious, but I never--never--" + +He paused, quite overcome with emotion. + +"I don't know what will happen if the telegrams go on till midnight," +said Mrs. Merillia. "The Duke of Camberwell is a very violent man, +since he had that sunstroke at the last Jubilee, and I shouldn't wonder +if he--" + +"Grannie, there will not be any more telegrams." + +"But you said that before, Hennessey." + +"And I say it again. There will not be any more. I have just informed +the messenger that the next boy who knocks will certainly be--well, +destroyed." + +Mrs. Merillia breathed a sigh of relief. + +"I am so thankful, Hennessey. Are you dining out to-night?" + +"No, grannie. I don't feel very well. I have a headache. I shall go and +lie down for a little." + +"Yes, do. Everybody is lying down; Fancy, the upper housemaid, the +cook. Even Gustavus, they tell me, is trying to snatch a little uneasy +repose on his what-not. It has been a terrible day." + +Mrs. Merillia lay back and closed her eyes, and the Prophet, +overwhelmed with remorse, retired to his room, lay down and stared +desperately at nothing for half an hour. He then ate, with a very poor +appetite, a morsel of dinner and prepared to take, if possible, a short +nap before starting on the labours of the night. As he got up from the +dining table to go upstairs he said to Mr. Ferdinand,-- + +"By the way, Mr. Ferdinand, if I should come into the pantry again to- +night, don't be alarmed. I may chance to require a bradawl as I did +last night. Kindly leave one out, in case I should. But you need not +sit up." + +As the Prophet said the last words he looked Mr. Ferdinand full in the +face. The butler's eyes fell. + +"Thank you, Master Hennessey, I shall be glad to get to bed--entirely +to bed--in good time. We are all a bit upset in the kit--that is the +hall to-day." + +"Just so. Retire to rest at once if you like." + +"Thank you, sir." + +"Gustavus," said Mr. Ferdinand, a moment later in the servants' hall, +"you are a man of the world, I believe." + +Gustavus roused himself on his what-not. + +"I am, Mr. Ferdinand," he replied, in a pale and exhausted manner. + +"Then tell me, Gustavus, have you ever lived in service with a +gentleman who was partial to a bradawl--of a night, you understand?" + +"No, never, Mr. Ferdinand. The nearest to it ever I got was the Bishop +of Clapham." + +"Explain yourself, Gustavus, I beg." + +"He used to ask for a nip sometimes before retiring, Mr. Ferdinand." + +"A nip, Gustavus?" + +"Warm water, with a slice of toast in it. But he was only what they +call a suburban bishop, Mr. Ferdinand." + +"Ah! a nip is hardly on all fours with a bradawl, Gustavus." + +"P'r'aps not, Mr. Ferdinand, but it's the nearest ever I got to it." + +Mr. Ferdinand said no more, but when he retired to rest that night he +double-locked his door, and dreamt of bradawls till he woke, +unrefreshed, the next morning to find the area full of telegrams. + +Meanwhile the Prophet was conscientiously fulfilling his promise and +keeping the oath he had pledged his honour over, although he had to +work under a grave disadvantage in the total loss of his planisphere, +or star-map. + +He entered the butler's pantry precisely on the stroke of eleven, and +found it, to his great relief, untenanted. The dwarf was no longer at +the telescope, and the silence in the region dedicated to Mrs. +Merillia's menials was profound. The night, too, was clear and starry, +propitious for prophetic labours, and as the Prophet gazed out upon the +deserted square through the open window a strange peace descended upon +his fevered soul. Nature, with all her shining mysteries, her distant +reticences and revelations, calmed the turmoil within him. He looked +upon the area railings and upon the sky, and smiled. + +Then he looked for the star-map. He perceived in a very prominent +position upon a silver salver, the bradawl laid out, according to +order, by the obedient Mr. Ferdinand. He perceived also the open pot of +"Butler's Own Special Pomade," but the planisphere had been removed +from it. Where could it have been bestowed? The Prophet instituted a +careful search. He explored cupboards, drawers--such at least as were +unlocked--in vain. He glanced into a silver teapot reposing on a shelf, +between the pages of an almanac hanging on the wall, among some back +numbers of the /Butler's Gazette/, which were lying in a corner. But +the planisphere was nowhere to be found, and at last in despair he +resolved to do without it, and to trust to his fairly accurate +knowledge of the heavens. He, therefore, took up his station by the +window and proceeded to extract from the pocket of his smoking-jacket +the account-book in which he had dotted down the directions of "Madame +and self." They were very vague, for his dots had been agitated. Still, +by the help of the George the Third candlestick, in which was a lighted +taper, the Prophet was able to make out enough to refresh his memory. +He was to begin by placing his beloved grandmother in the claws of the +crab. Leaning upon the sill of the window he found the crab and-- +breathing a short prayer for forgiveness--committed his dear relation +to its offices. He then retreated and, assuming very much the position +of Mr. Ferdinand, applied his right eye to the telescope, at the same +time holding his left eye firmly shut with the forefinger of his left +hand. At once the majesty of the starry heavens burst upon him in all +its glory. + +Exactly at half-past one o'clock, two hours and a half later, the +enthralled Prophet heard a low whistle which seemed to reach him from +the square. He withdrew his fascinated right eye from the telescope and +endeavoured to use it in an ordinary manner, but he could at first see +nothing. The low whistle was repeated. It certainly did come from the +square, and the Prophet approached the open window and once more tried +to compel the eye that had looked so long upon the stars to gaze with +understanding upon the earth. This time he perceived a black thing, +like a blot, about six feet high, beyond the area railings. From this +blot came a third whistle. The Prophet, who was still dazed by the +fascination of star-gazing, mechanically whistled in reply, whereupon +the blot whispered at him huskily,-- + +"At it again, are you?" + +"Yes," whispered the Prophet, also huskily, for the night air was cold. +"But how should you know?" + +Indeed he wondered; and it seemed to him as if the blot were some +strange night thing that must have companioned him, invisibly, when he +kept his nocturnal watches in the drawing-room, and that now partially +revealed itself to him in the, perhaps, more acutely occult region of +the basement. + +"How should I know!" rejoined the blot with obvious, though very +hoarse, irony. "Whatever d'you take me for?" + +The Prophet began to wonder, but before he had gone on wondering for +more than about half a minute, the blot continued,-- + +"She's gone to bed." + +"I know she has," said the Prophet, presuming that the blot, which +seemed instinct with all knowledge, was referring to his grandmother. + +"But she knows you're at it again," continued the blot. + +The Prophet started violently and leaned upon the window-sill. + +"No! How can that be?" he ejaculated. + +"Ho! Them girls knows everything, especially the old uns," said the +blot, with an audible chuckle. + +"Good gracious!" gasped the Prophet, overwhelmed at this mysterious +visitant's familiar description of his revered grandmother. + +"Have you seen her to-night?" inquired the blot, controlling its +merriment. + +"Yes," said the Prophet. "With the Crab." + +"What!" cried the blot, in obvious astonishment. "Them instruments must +be wonderful sight-carriers." + +"They are," exclaimed the Prophet, with almost mystic enthusiasm. +"Wonderful. I have seen her with the Crab distinctly." + +"Ah! well, I told her she ought to keep away from it," continued the +blot. + +"Did you?" said the Prophet, with increasing surprise. "But how could +she?" + +"Ah! that's just it! She couldn't." + +"No, of course not." + +"She was drawn right to it." + +"She was. It wasn't her fault. It was the Crab's." + +"A pity it was dressed." + +"What?" + +"I say it's a pity 'twas dressed." + +"What was dressed?" + +"What! why, the Crab!" + +"The Crab--dressed!" + +"Ay. They're a deal safer not dressed." + +"Are they?" + +"She knows it too." + +"Does she?" + +"But there--them women likes a spice of danger. She's in a nice state +now, you bet. Not much sleep for her, I'll lay. Well, I tried to keep +her from it, so you needn't blame me." + +"I won't," said the Prophet, feeling completely dazed. + +"Well, go'-night. I'm off round the square." + +"Good-night," said the Prophet. + +Suddenly a blinding flash of light dazzled his eyes. He covered them +with his hands. When he could see again the blot was gone. + +Although he was retired to rest that night when the clock struck three, +the Prophet did not sleep. His nervous system was in a condition of +acute excitement. His brain felt like a burning ball, and the palms of +his hands were hot with fever. For the spirit of prophecy was upon him +once more, and he was bound fast in the golden magic of the stars. Like +the morphia maniac who, after valiant fasting, returning to his drug, +feels its influence the stronger for his abstinence from it, the +Prophet was conscious that the heavens held more power, more meaning +for him because, for a while, he had intended to neglect them. He was +ravaged by their mystery, their majesty and revelation. + +When he came down in the morning pale, dishevelled, but informed by a +curious dignity, he was met at once by Mr. Ferdinand. + +"I have cleared the area, sir," said the functionary. + +"The area, Mr. Ferdinand. What of?" + +"Telegrams, sir. The boys must have thrown 'em down without knocking." + +"Very probably," replied the Prophet. "Their comrade was right. They +did not wish to be strangled." + +"No, sir. And I have placed them in a basket on the breakfast table, +sir, while awaiting your orders." + +"Quite right, Mr. Ferdinand. By the way, here is the bradawl. Leave it +out again to-night in case I have need of it." + +So saying, the Prophet handed the bradawl, which he had craftily +conveyed from the pantry on the previous night, to the astonished +butler and walked swiftly into the breakfast-room. The basket of +telegrams was set outside beside a fried sole and the "equipage" which +Madame had so much admired, and, while he sipped his tea, the Prophet +opened the wires one by one. They were fraught with terror and dismay. +Evidently his mysterious warning had thrown the worthies who dwelt +beside the Mouse into a condition of the very gravest amazement and +alarm, and they had, despite the Prophet's final injunction, spent the +remaining telegraphic hours of the day in despatching wires of frantic +inquiry to the square. Madame, in particular, was evidently much upset, +and expressed her angry agitation in a dead language that seemed +positively to live again in fear and novelty of grammatical +construction. Sir Tiglath had been a brilliant card to play in the +prophetic game, although he had not achieved the Prophet's purpose of +stopping the telegraphic flood. + +While the Prophet was simultaneously finishing the fried sole and the +perusal of the final wire Mr. Ferdinand entered, in a condition of +obvious astonishment that might well have cost him his place. + +"If you please, sir," he said, in an up-and-down voice, "if you please +there are two--two--two--" + +"Two what? Be more explicit, Mr. Ferdinand." + +"Two--well, sir, kids at the door waiting for you to see them, sir." + +"Two kids! What--from the goat show that's going on at the Westminster +Aquarium!" cried the Prophet in great surprise. + +"Maybe, sir. I can't say, indeed, sir. Am I to show them in, sir?" + +"Show them in! Are you gone mad, Mr. Ferdinand? They must be driven out +at once. If Mrs. Merillia were to see them, she might be greatly +alarmed. I'll--I'll--follow me, Mr. Ferdinand, closely." + +So saying the Prophet stepped valiantly into the hall. There, by the +umbrella stand, stood two small children, boy and girl, very neatly +dressed in a sailor suit and a grey merino. The little boy held in his +hand a large round straw hat, on the blue riband of which was inscribed +in letters of gold, "H.M.S. Hercules." The little girl wore a pleasant +pigtail tied with a riband of the same hue. + +The meaning of Mr. Ferdinand's vulgar and misleading slang suddenly +dawned on the Prophet. He cast a look of very grave rebuke on Mr. +Ferdinand, then, walking up to the little boy and girl he said in his +most ingratiating manner,-- + +"Well, my little ones, what can I do for you?" + +"Not so little, if you please, Mr. Vivian," replied the boy in a +piping, but very self-possessed voice. "Can we see you in private for a +moment?" + +"If you please, Mr. Vivian," added the little girl. "Si sit +prudentium." + +"Dentia, Corona," corrected the little boy. + +The Prophet turned white to the very lips. + +"Certainly, certainly," he said in a violently furtive manner. "Come +this way, my children. Mr. Ferdinand, if Mrs. Merillia should inquire +for me, you will say that I'm busy writing--no, no, just busy--very +busy." + +"Yes, sir." + +"I'm not to be disturbed. This way, my little ones." + +"Not so little, Mr. Vivian," piped again the small boy, trotting +obediently, with his sister, into the Prophet's library, the door of +which was immediately closed behind them. + +"Well, I'm--" said Mr. Ferdinand. "Kids in the library! I am-- +Gustavus!" + +He rushed frenetically towards the servants' hall to confer upon the +situation with his intellectual subordinate. + +Meanwhile the Prophet was closeted with the two kids. + +"Pray sit down," he said, very nervously, and smiling forcibly. "Pray +sit down, my dears." + +The kids obeyed with aplomb, keeping their large and strained eyes +fixed upon the Prophet. + +"Is it Coronus and Capricorna?" continued the Prophet, with an effort +after blithe familiarity. "Is it?" + +"No," piped the little boy. "It isn't Coronus and Capricorna." + +A marvellous sensation of relief invaded the Prophet. + +"Thank Heaven!" he ejaculated in a sigh. "I thought it must be." + +"It's Corona and Capricornus," continued the little boy. "And we've +brought you a letter from pater familias." + +"And mater familiaris," added the little girl. + +"Milias, Corona," corrected the little boy. "Here it is, Mr. Vivian," +he added, drawing a large missive from the breast of his blue-and-white +sailor's blouse. "Pater and mater familias couldn't bring it +themselves, because he said it wasn't safe for him to come, and she's +lying down ill at what you sent to her. It wasn't kind of you, was it?" + +So saying, he handed the missive to the Prophet, who took it anxiously. + +"Would you like some cake, my lit--I mean, my dears, while I read +this?" + +"No, thank you. Cake is bad for us in the morning," replied the little +boy. "You shouldn't eat it so early." + +The Prophet was about to reply that he never did when it struck him +that argument would probably be useless. He, therefore, hastened to +open the letter, which proved to be from Mr. Sagittarius, and which ran +as follows:-- + + "SIR,--Your terrible and mysterious wire, coming after your equally + terrible and mysterious silence, has caused devastation in a + hitherto peaceful and happy family. To what peril do you allude? + What creature can there be so base as to wish to take my life + merely on account of my sending you telegrams? Madame has been + driven to despair by your announcement, and I, myself, although no + ordinary man, am, very rightly and properly, going about in fear + of my life since receipt of your last telegram. Under these circs, + and being unable to wait upon you ourselves for a full + explanation, we are sending our very life-blood to you--per rail + and 'bus--with strict orders to bring you at once to the banks of + the Mouse, there to confer with Madame and self and arrange such + measures of precaution as are suited to the requirements of the + situation as indicated by you. + +"JUPITER SAGITTARIUS. + + + "P.S.--You are to bring with you, according to solemn oath, all + prophecy concerning grandmother, Crab, etc., gathered up to date, + together with full details of same's removal from the bottle, + cutting of her first tooth, short-coating, going into skirts, + putting of hair up, day of marriage and widowhood, illnesses-- + especially rashes--and so forth. /Ab origino/. + + "MADAME SAGITTARIUS." + + +On reading this communication the Prophet felt that all further +struggle was useless. Fate--cruel and remorseless Fate--had him in her +grasp. He could only bow his head and submit to her horrible decrees. +He could only go upstairs and at once prepare for the journey to the +Mouse. + +He laid the letter down and got up, fixing his eyes upon the kids, who +sat solemnly awaiting his further procedure. + +"You--I suppose you know, my little ones, what this--what you have to +do?" he said. + +"Not so little, if you please, Mr. Vivian," returned the boy. "Yes, +we've got to take you with us to see pater familias." + +"And mater familiar--familias," added the little girl. + +"I see--you know," said the Prophet, in a despairing voice. "Very well. +Wait here quietly--very quietly, while I go and get ready." + +"And please don't forget the Crab and grandmother, rashes, et ceterus," +said the little girl. + +"Tera Corona," piped her brother. + +"I won't," said the Prophet. "I will not." + +And he tottered out of the room, carrying the Sagittarius letter in his +hand. + +In the hall he paused for a moment, holding on to the balusters and re- +reading his directions. Then he crawled slowly up the stairs and sought +his grandmother's room. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +THE PROPHET JOURNEYS TO THE MOUSE + +Mrs. Merillia was just beginning to recover from the prostration of the +preceding day when the Prophet came into the room where she was seated +with Mrs. Fancy Quinglet. She looked up at him almost brightly, but +started when she saw how agitated he seemed. + +"Grannie," said the Prophet, abruptly, "you would tell me anything, +wouldn't you?" + +"Why, of course, my dear boy. But what about?" + +"About--about yourself?" + +Mrs. Merillia looked very much astonished. + +"There is nothing to hide, Hennessey," she said with gentle dignity. +"You know that." + +"I do, I do," cried the Prophet, passionately. "Yours has been the +best, the sweetest life the world has ever known!" + +"Well, I don't wish to imply--" + +"But I do, grannie, I do. Can Fancy leave us for a moment?" + +"Certainly. Fancy, you can go to your tatting." + +"Yes, ma'am." + +"Mr Hennessey has something to explain to me." + +"Oh, ma'am, the houses that have been broke up by explainings!" + +And with this, as the Prophet thought, appallingly appropriate +exclamation, Mrs. Fancy hurried feverishly from the room. + +"Now what is the question you wish to ask me, Hennessey?" said Mrs. +Merillia, with a soft dignity. + +"There are--one moment--there are eight questions, grannie," responded +the Prophet, shrinking visibly before the dread necessity by which he +found himself confronted. + +"Eight! So many?" + +"Yes, oh, indeed, yes." + +"Well, my dear, and what are they?" + +"The first is--is--grannie, when were you removed from--from the +bottle?" + +A very delicate flush crept into Mrs. Merillia's charming cheeks. + +"The bottle, Hennessey! Never, never!" she said, with a sort of +pathetic indignation. "How could you suppose--I--the bottle--" + +Her pretty old voice died away. + +"Answered, darling grannie, answered!" ejaculated the Prophet. +Please--please don't!" And now--your first tooth?" + +"My first what!" cried Mrs. Merillia in almost terrified amazement. + +"Tooth--when did you cut it?" + +"I have no idea. Surely, Hennessey--" + +"Answered, dearest grannie!" cried the Prophet, with gathering +agitation. "Did you ever wear a short coat?" + +"I--I'm not a man!" + +"You didn't! Always a skirt?" + +"Of course! Why--" + +"And you're sixty-eight on the twentieth. So for sixty-eight years +you've always worn a skirt. That's four." + +"Four what? Are you--?" + +"When did you put your hair up, grannie, darling?" + +"My hair--never. You know I've always had a maid to do these things for +me. Fancy--" + +"Of course. You've never put your hair up. I might have known. You were +married very young, weren't you?" + +"Ah, yes. On my seventeenth birthday, and was left a widow in exactly +two years' time. Your poor dear granf--" + +"Thank you, grannie, thank you! Seven!" + +"Seven what, Hennessey? One would th--" + +"And now, dear grannie, tell me one thing, only one little thing more. +About--that is, talking of rashes--" + +"Rashers!" + +"No, grannie, rashes--illnesses, you know, that take an epidemic form." + +"Well, what about them? Surely there isn't an epidemic in the square?" + +"How many have you had, grannie?" + +"Where? Had what?" + +"Here, anywhere in the square, grannie." + +"Had what in the square?" + +"Rashes." + +"I! Have a rash in the square!" + +"Exactly. Have you ever--an epidemic, you know?" + +"I have an epidemic in Berkeley Square? You must be crazy, Hennessey!" + +"Probably, very likely, grannie. But have you? Tell me quickly! Have +you?" + +"Certainly not! As if any gentlewoman--" + +"Answered, grannie, answered! Eight!" + +"Eight what?" + +"Questions. Thank you, dearest grannie. I knew you'd tell me, I knew +you would!" + +And the Prophet rushed from the room, leaving Mrs. Merillia in a +condition that cannot be described and that not all the subsequent +ministrations of Mrs. Fancy Quinglet were able to alleviate. + +Having reached the hall, the Prophet hastily put on his coat and hat +and called Mr. Ferdinand to him. + +"Mr. Ferdinand," he said, assuming a fixed and stony dignity to conceal +his agitation and dismay, "I am leaving the house at once with the--the +lady and gentleman who are in the library." + +At this description of the kids Mr. Ferdinand was very nearly seized +with convulsions. However, as he said nothing and merely wrung his +large hands, the Prophet, after a slight pause, continued,-- + +"I may be away some time, so if Mrs. Merillia should make any inquiry, +you will say that I have left to pay a visit to some friends." + +"Yes, sir. Shall I tell Gustavus to pack your things?" + +"Certainly not." + +The Prophet was turning towards the library when Mr. Ferdinand added,-- + +"When shall we expect you back, sir? Am I to forward your letters?" + +"No, no. I shall return in a few hours." + +"Oh, I beg pardon, sir. And if any telegrams--" + +"There will not be any. I am now going to answer the telegrams in +person." + +"Yes, sir." + +"Come along, my children," cried the Prophet, putting his head into the +library. + +"Not your children, if you please, Mr. Vivian," replied the little boy. +"Corona, come on." + +"How do we go, my dears?" asked the Prophet, with an attempt at gaiety, +and endeavouring to ignore the prostrated demeanour of Mr. Ferdinand, +who was in waiting to open the hall door. + +"By the purple 'bus as far as the Pork Butcher's Rest," piped the +little boy--(at this point Mr. Ferdinand could not refrain from a +slight exclamation)--"then we take the train to the Mouse, Mouse, +Mouse." + +"Mus, Mus, Mus," chanted the little girl. + +As Mr. Ferdinand was unable to open the door, paralysis having +apparently supervened, the Prophet did so, and the cheerful little +party emerged upon the step to find Lady Enid Thistle in the very act +of pressing the electric bell. When she beheld the vivacious trio, all +agog for their morning's expedition, come thus suddenly upon her, she +cried out musically,-- + +"Why, where are you off to?" + +The Prophet was much embarrassed by the encounter. + +"I am taking these lit"--he caught the staring eye of Capricornus-- +"these friends of mine for a little walk," he said. + +"I'll come with you," said Lady Enid, with an almost Highland decision. +"I've got something to say to you, and we can talk as we go." + +She glanced very inquisitively indeed at the two children, who had +begun to frisk at sight of the square all bathed in winter sunshine. +The Prophet was very much upset. + +"Don't you think--" he began. + +"It will be delightful to have some exercise," she interrupted firmly. +"Which way are you going?" + +"Which way! Oh, to--towards--" + +The Prophet stopped. He did not know from what point the purple 'bus +started to gain the Pork Butcher's Rest. Capricornus hastened to inform +him. + +"We take the purple 'bus at the corner of Air Street," he piped. + +"The purple 'bus!" cried Lady Enid. "The purple bus!" + +She glanced searchingly at the Prophet. + +"Ah!" she murmured, "so you are taking a purple 'bus to your double +life!" + +He could not deny it. They were now all walking forward in the sun and +as the little Corona and Capricornus became speedily intent upon the +wonders of this central district, Lady Enid and the Prophet were able +to have a quiet word or two together. + +"I came to tell you," she said, "that Mrs. Vane Bridgeman will expect +you to-night at--" + +"I am engaged at eleven," cried the Prophet, in despair at the +imposition of this fresh burden upon his weary shoulders. + +"I know. To the Lord Chancellor, but--" + +"No. I have an engagement which I dare not break, at home." + +"Really!" + +She gazed at him with her large, handsome grey eyes, and added,-- + +"I do believe you're silly enough to live your double life at home +sometimes. How splendid!" + +"No, no! I assure you--" + +"Of course you do! You dear foolish thing! You're ever so much sillier +than I am. You're my master." + +"No, indeed, no, no!" + +"But you can go to Mrs. Bridgeman's for an hour easily. She expects you +and I've promised that you will go." + +"It's very kind of you, but really--" + +"So that's settled. You'll meet me there, but don't forget I'm Miss +Minerva Partridge. The address is Zoological House, Regent's Park, that +big house in a garden just outside the Zoo." + +"The big house in the Zoological Gardens," said the Prophet, feebly. +"Thank you very much." + +"No, no, outside the Zoo. And then we can arrange to-night about your +introducing her to Mr. Sagittarius." + +"Hush! Hush!" whispered the Prophet. + +But he was too late. The long ears of the little pitchers had caught +the well-known word. + +"Why, that’s pater familias," piped the little Capricornus. + +"And mater familiaris," added the little Corona. + +"You don't mean to say," cried Lady Enid to the Prophet, "that these +are the children of Mr. Sagittarius?" + +The Prophet bent his head. + +"How very interesting!" said Lady Enid. "Everything is working out most +beautifully. I must get them some chocolates." + +And she immediately stepped into a confectioner's and came out with a +beautiful box of bon-bons, tied with amethyst ribbon, which she gave to +the delighted children. + +"I know your dear father," she said. "At least I know who he is." + +And she looked firmly at the Prophet, who dropped his eyes. They were +now at the corner of Air Street, and the purple 'bus could be seen +looming brilliantly in the distance. + +"Good-bye, Lady Enid," said the Prophet. + +"Oh, I'll see you off," she replied, evidently resolved to satisfy some +further, unexpressed curiosity. + +"There it is!" cried Capricornus. "It's coming! There it is!" + +"Isn't it pretty?" shrieked the little Corona, who was evidently +growing much excited by the chocolates and the centralness of the whole +thing. "Let's go on the top! Let's go on the top!" + +She began to jump on the pavement, and her brother was just about to +follow her example when some sudden idea struck him into gravity. He +turned to the Prophet and exclaimed solemnly,-- + +"Oh, if you please, Mr. Vivian, have you got the crab with you?" + +"The crab!" cried Lady Enid, with much vivacity. + +"Yes, yes, my boy, it's all right!" said the Prophet, hastily. + +"Not your boy, if you please, Mr. Vivian," returned the little +inquisitor. "And have you got the fist tooth?" + +"Yes, yes!" + +"And the rashes, and the honoured grandmother, and--" + +"I've got everything," cried the Prophet, "every single thing!" + +"Because mater familias said I was to make you bring them if I stayed +for them all day." + +"Yes, yes, they're all here--every one." + +Lady Enid was gazing at the Prophet's slim form with almost passionate +curiosity. It was evidently a problem to her how he had managed to +conceal so many various commodities about his person without altering +his shape. However, she had no time to study the matter, for at this +moment the purple 'bus jerked along the kerb, and the voice of the +conductor was heard crying,-- + +"Pork Butcher's Rest! All the way one penny! Pork--penny--all the way-- +Butcher's--Rest--one--Pork--all--Pork--penny--Pork--Butcher's--Pork-- +Rest--Pork--penny!" + +With a hasty farewell the Prophet, accompanied, and indeed closely +clutched, by the little Corona and Capricornus, scrambled fanatically, +and not without two or three heavy falls, to the summit of the 'bus, +while Lady Enid read the legend printed on it with a smile, ere she +turned to walk home, putting two and two together, and thinking, with +keen feminine satisfaction, how useless in the long run are all the +negatives of man. + +In later years, though many memories intervene, the Prophet will never +forget his journey to the banks of the Mouse. Always it seemed very +strange to him and dream-like, that everlasting journey upon the purple +'bus, complicated by the chatter of the younger scions of the Malkiel +dynasty, and by the shrill cries of the conductor summoning the +passers-by to hasten to that place of repose consecrated to the worthy +and hard-working individuals who drew their modest incomes from the +pig. The character of the streets changed as the central districts were +left behind, and a curious scent, the scent of Suburbia, seemed to +float between the tall chimneys in the morose atmosphere. The purple +chariot, which rolled on and on like the chariot of Fate, drew +gradually away from the large thoroughfares into mean streets, whose +air of dull gentility was for ever autumnal, and the Prophet, on +passing some gigantic gasworks, mechanically wondered whether it might +not, perhaps, be that monument to whose shadow Malkiel the First had +lived and died. Once, looking up at the black sky, he remarked to the +little Capricornus that it was evidently going to rain. + +"No, Mr. Vivian," replied the boy. "It won't rain hard this week. +January's a fine month, but there'll be heavy floods in March, +especially along the banks of the Thames." + +"And in February there'll be such a lot of scarlet fever in the +southern portions of England," added the little Corona. "Oh, Corney, +just look at that kitty on the airey railings!" + +"Area, Corona," corrected her brother. "Oh, my! ain't it funny?" + +The Prophet remembered that he was travelling with the scions of a +prophetic house. + +It seemed many years before the 'bus stopped before a brick building +full of quart pots, situated upon a gentle eminence sloping to a coal- +yard, and the voice of the conductor proclaimed that the place of +repose was reached. The Prophet and his diminutive guides descended +from the roof and were shortly in a train puffing between the hunched +backs of abominable little houses, sooty as street cats and alive with +crying babies. Then bits of waste land appeared, bald wildernesses in +which fragments of broken crockery hibernated with old tin cans and +kettles yellow as dying leaves. A furtive brown rivulet wandered here +and there like a thing endeavouring to conceal itself and unable to +find a hiding-place. + +"That's the Mouse, Mr. Vivian," remarked Capricornus, proudly. "We +shall soon be there." + +"Ridiculum mus," rejoined his sister, who evidently took after her +learned mother. + +"Culus, Corona; and you're not to say that. Pater familias says that +the Mouse is a noble stream. We get out here, Mr. Vivian." + +Here proved to be a wayside station on the very bank of the noble +stream, and on the edge of a piece of waste ground so large that it +might almost have been called country. + +The Prophet and the two kids set off across this earth, which was named +by the inhabitants "the Common." In the distance rose a fringe of +detached brick and stone villas towards which Capricornus now pointed a +forefinger that trembled with pride. + +"That's where we live," he said, in a voice that was grown squeaky from +conceit. + +"Dulce domus," piped his sister, clutching the skirt of the Prophet's +coat, and, thus supported, performing several very elaborate dancing +steps upon the clayey soil over which he was feebly staggering. "Dulce +dulce, dulce domus. Look at that rat, Corney!" + +A large, raking rodent, indeed, at that instant emerged from the +wreckage of what had once been a copper cauldron near by, and walked +slowly away towards a slope of dust garnished with broken bottles and +abandoned cabbage stalks. The Prophet shuddered and longed to flee, but +the two kids, as if divining his thought, now clasped his hands and led +him firmly forward to a yellow villa, fringed with white Bath stone and +garnished plentifully with griffins. From its flat front shot +ostentatiously forth a porch adorned with Roman columns which commanded +a near view of the Mouse, and before the porch was a small garden in +which several healthy-looking nettles had made their home. + +As the Prophet and the two kids approached this delightful abode, a +white face appeared, gluing itself to the pane of an upper window. + +"There's pater familias!" piped Capricornus. "Don't he look ill?" + +As they mounted the flight of imitation marble steps the face +disappeared abruptly. + +"He's coming to let us in," said Capricornus. "You're sure you've +brought the crab and all the rashes?" + +"Quite sure." + +"Because, if you haven't, I don't know whatever mater familias'll--" + +At this moment the portal of the lodge was furtively opened about half +an inch, and a very small segment of ashen-coloured human face, +containing a large and apprehensive eye, was shown in the aperture. + +"Are you alone?" said the hollow voice of Mr. Sagittarius. + +"Quite, quite alone," said the Prophet, reassuringly. + +"It's all right, pater familias!" cried Capricornus. "He's brought all +the rashes and the first tooth and everything. I made him." + +"I don't think he wanted to," added the little Corona, suddenly +developing malice. + +"I've taken this long journey, Mr. Sagittarius," said the Prophet, with +a remnant of self-respect, "at your special request. Am I to be +permitted to come in?" + +"If you're sure you're quite alone," returned the sage, showing a +slightly enlarged segment of face. + +"I am quite sure--positive!" + +At this the door was opened just sufficiently to admit the passage of +one thin person at a time, and, in single file, the Prophet, Corona and +Capricornus passed into the lodge. + + + +CHAPTER XV + +THE PROPHET CREATES A DIVERSION AT HIS OWN EXPENSE + +On stepping into a small vestibule, paved with black and white +lozenges, and fitted up with an iron umbrella stand, a Moorish lamp and +a large yellow china pug dog, the Prophet found himself at once faced +by Mr. Sagittarius, whose pallid countenance, nervous eye and +suspicious demeanour plainly proclaimed him to be, as he had stated, +very rightly and properly going about in fear of his life. + +"Go to the schoolroom, my darlings," he whispered to his children. +"Why, what have you there?" + +"Choclets," said Capricornus. + +"From the pretty lady, mulius pulchrum," added the little Corona. + +"Who is a mulibus pulchrum, my love?" asked Mr. Sagittarius, before +Capricornus had time to correct his sister's Latin. + +"It was Miss Minerva," said the Prophet. "We happened to meet her." + +"Indeed, sir. Run away, my pretties, and don't eat more than one each, +or mater familias will not approve. + +Then, as the little ones disappeared into the shadows of the region +above, he added to the Prophet,-- + +"You've nearly been the death of Madame, sir." + +"I'm sure I'm very sorry," said the Prophet. + +"Sorrow is no salve, sir, no salve at all. Were it not for her books I +fear we might have lost her." + +"Good gracious!" + +"Mercifully her books have comforted her. She is resting among them +now. Madame is possessed of a magnificent library, sir, encyclopaedic +in its scope and cosmopolitan in its point of view. In it are +represented every age and every race since the dawn of letters; +thousands upon thousands of authors, sir, Rabelais and Dean Farrar, +Lamb and the Hindoos, Mettlelink and the pith of the great philosophers +such as John Oliver Hobbes, Locke, Hume and Earl Spencer; the biting +sarcasm of Hiny, the pathos of Peps, the oratorical master-strokes of +such men as Gladstone, Demosthenes and Keir Hardie; the romance of +Kipling, sir, of Bret Harte and Danty Rossini; the poetry of Kempis a +Browning and of Elizabeth Thomas Barrett--all, all are there bound in +Persian calf. Among these she seeks for solace. To these she flies in +hours of anguish." + +"Does she indeed?" said the Prophet, feeling thoroughly overwhelmed. + +"She desires me to take you to her at once, sir, there to confer and"-- +he lowered his voice and trembled visibly--"to arrange measures for the +protection of my life." + +The Prophet found himself wishing that he had been less precipitate in +covertly alluding to Sir Tiglath's long desire of assault and battery, +but before he had time to wish anything for more than half a minute, +Mr. Sagittarius had guided him ceremoniously across the hall and was +turning the handle of a door that was decorated with black and scarlet +paint. + +"Here, sir," he whispered, "you will find Madame surrounded by the +authors whom she loves, by their portraits, their biographies and their +writings. Here she communes with the great philosophers, sir, the +poets, the historians and the humourists of the entire world, from the +earliest days down to this very moment--in Persian calf, sir." + +He gazed awfully at the Prophet, and gently opened the door of this +temple of the intellect. + +The Prophet expected to find himself ushered into a gigantic chamber, +lined from floor to ceiling with shelves that groaned beneath their +burden of the literature of genius. Indeed he had, in fancy, beheld +even the chairs and couches covered with stacks of volumes, the very +floor littered with the choicest productions of the brains of the dead +and living. His surprise was, therefore, very great when, on passing +through the door, he beheld Madame Sagittarius reposing at full length +upon a maroon sofa in a small apartment, whose bare walls, were +entirely innocent of book-shelves. Indeed the only thing of the sort +which was visible was a dwarf revolving bookcase which stood beside the +sofa, and contained some twenty volumes bound, as Mr. Sagittarius had +stated, in Persian calf, each of these volumes being numbered and +adorned with a label on which was printed in letters of gold, "The +Library of Famous Literature: Edited by Dr. Carter. Tasty Tit-bits from +all Times." + +"Madame, sir, in her library," whispered Mr. Sagittarius by the door. +"She is absorbed, sir, and does not notice us." + +In truth Madame Sagittarius did appear to be absorbed in thought, or +something else, for her eyes were closed, her mouth was open, and a +sound of regular breathing filled the little room. + +"She is thinking out some problem, sir," continued Mr. Sagittarius. +"She is communing with the mighty dead. Sophronia, my love, Sophronia, +Capricornus has brought the gentleman according to your orders. Sophy! +Sophy!" + +His final utterances, which were somewhat strident caused Madame +Sagittarius to come away from her communion with the mighty dead with a +loud ejaculation of the nature of a snort combined with a hissing +whistle, to kick up her indoor kid boots into the air, turn upon her +right elbow, and present a countenance marked with patches of red and +white, and a pair of goggling, and yet hazy, eyes to the intruders upon +her intellectual exertions. + +"Mr. Vivian has come, Sophronia, according to your directions." + +Madame uttered a second snort, brought her feet to the floor, arranged +her face in a dignified expression with one fair hand, breathed +heavily, and finally bowed to the Prophet with majestic reserve and +remarked, with the professional click,-- + +"I was immersed in thought and did not perceive your entrance. /Mens +invictus manetur/. Be seated, I beg." + +Here certain very elaborate contortions and swellings of her +interesting countenance suggested that she was repressing a good-sized +yawn, and she was obliged to rearrange her features with both hands +before she could continue. + +"Thought conquers matter, as Plauto--I should say as Platus very +rightly obesrved." + +"Quite so," assented the Prophet, trying to live up to the library, but +scarcely succeeding. + +"Even in the days of the great Juvenile," proceeded Madame, "to whose +satires I owe much"--here she laid a loving hand upon Vol. 2 of the +"Library of Famous Literature."--"Long ere the days when Lord Lytton +and his Caxtons introduced us to the blessings of the printing press +there were doubtless ladies who, like myself, could forget the +treachery and the lies of men in silent communion with the brains of +the departed. Far better to be Milton's 'Il Penserosero' than Lord +Byron's 'L'Allegra!' " + +To this pronounciamento, which was interrupted several times by more +alarming contortions of the brain-worker's face, the Prophet replied +with a vague affirmative, while Mr. Sagittarius whispered,-- + +"Her whole knowledge, sir, comes straight from there"--pointing towards +the dwarf bookcase. "She brought it on the instalment system. Dr. +Carter has made her what she is! That man, sir, deserves to be +canonised. Eight guineas and a half, sir, and such a result!" + +"Such a result!" the Prophet whispered back. + +By this time Madame Sagittarius had apparently ceased to commune with +the dead, for her striking face assumed a more normal expression of +feminine bitterness as she realised who was before her, and she +exclaimed sharply,-- + +"Oh, so you've come at last, Mr. Vivian! And pray what have you to say? +What about the rashes? And what is this danger that threatens Mr. +Sagittarius?" + +"We'd better take the danger first, my dear," said Mr. Sagittarius, +with grave anxiety. + +"Very well. Not that it should be the most important to one who wears +the /toga virilibus/!" + +"True, my love. Still, to take it first will clear the ground, I think, +and set me more at ease. Well, sir?" + +Thus adjured, the Prophet resolved to make a clean breast of Sir +Tiglath's declarations, and he therefore replied,-- + +"I thought it only right to wire to you as I did, having learnt that +there is in London a gentleman, an eminent man, who has for five-and- +forty years been seeking for Malkiel with the avowed intention of-- +of--" + +"Oh what, sir, of what?" said Mr. Sagittarius with trembling lips. + +"Of doing him violence," replied the Prophet, impressively. + +"What is the gent's name?" said Mr. Sagittarius, in great agitation. + +"His name! /Nomen volens/!" added Madame. + +"That," said the Prophet, "I prefer not to say at present." + +"But why should he desire to--?" + +"Because you are a prophet." + +"There, Jupiter!" cried Madame, with flushed spitefulness. "What have I +always said! All prophets are what they call outsiders--/hors +d'oeuvres/, neither more nor less." + +"I know, my love, I know. But how should this gent recognise me for a +prophet? I'm sure my dress, my manner, are those of an outside broker, +as I have often told you, Sophy. How--" + +"The gentleman has not yet recognised you," said the Prophet. "At the +moment he believes you to be an American syndicate." + +"Thank mercy!" ejaculated Mr. Sagittarius. + +"But one can never tell," added the Prophet. "He might find out." + +"Nonsense!" cried Madame at this juncture. "We might quite well have +gone to the square yesterday as I always suspected. But you are so +timid, Jupiter. /Timeo Dan--Dan/--well, /Dan/ something or other, as +Virgil so truly says." + +"Cautious, Sophronia, only cautious, for your and the children's +sakes!" + +"I call a man who's afraid even when he's passing everywhere as an +American syndicate a cowardly custard," rejoined Madame, who appeared +to be suffering under that peculiar form of flushed irritability which +is apt to follow on heavy thought, indulged in to excess in a recumbent +position during the daytime. "There, that's settled. So now let us get +to business. Kindly hand me your prophecy of last night, Mr. Vivian." + +The Prophet drew from a breast pocket a sheet or two of notepaper, on +which he had dotted down, in prophetic form, the events of the night +before. Madame received it and continued,-- + +"Before perusing this report, Mr. Vivian, I should wish to be made +acquainted with those particulars." + +"Which ones?" said the Prophet. + +"Of your grandmother's career." + +"Oh, I--" + +"Let us take them in order, please, and proceed /parri passo/. When was +the old lady removed from the bottle?" + +"Never," replied the Prophet, firmly. "Never." + +An expression of incredulous amazement decorated the obstreperous +features of Madame. + +"Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Vivian, that she sucks it still?" she +inquired. + +"I mean what I say, that she has never been removed from it," returned +the Prophet, with energy. + +"Well, sir, she must be very partial to milk and Indian rubber, very +partial indeed!" said Mr. Sagittarius. "Go on, my darling." + +"Her first tooth, Mr. Vivian--when did she cut it?" + +"She has no idea." + +Madame began to look decidedly grim. + +"Date of short-coating?" she rapped out. + +"There was no date. She never wore a short-coat." + +"Do you desire me to believe, Mr. Vivian, that the old lady has been +going about in long clothes ever since she was born?" inquired Madame, +with incredulous sarcasm. + +"Most certainly I do," replied the Prophet. + +"Then how does she get along, pray? Come! Come!" + +"She has always worn long clothes," cried the Prophet, boldly standing +up for his beloved relative, "and always will. You can take that from +me, Madame Sagittarius. I know my grandmother, and I am ready to pledge +my honour to it." + +"Oh, very well. She must be a very remarkable lady. That's all I can +say. When did she put her hair up?" + +"Never. She has never put it up." + +"She has never put her hair up!" + +"No, never." + +"You mean to say that your grandmother goes about in long clothes with +her hair down in the central districts?" cried Madame in blank +amazement. + +"She has never put her hair up," answered the Prophet, with almost +obstinate determination. + +"Oh, well--if she prefers! But I wonder what the police are about!" +retorted Madame. "And now the rashes?" + +"There are none." + +But at this Madame's temper--already somewhat upset by her prolonged +communion with the mighty dead--showed symptoms of giving way +altogether. + +"Rubbish, Mr. Vivian!" she said, clicking loudly and passing with an +almost upheaving jerk to her upper register! "I'm a mother and was once +a child. Rubbish! I must insist upon knowing the number of the rashes." + +"I assure you there are none." + +"D'you wish me to believe that the old lady has gone about all her life +in the Berkeley Square in long clothes and her hair down, with her lips +to the bottle and never had a rash? Do you wish me to believe that, Mr. +Vivian?" + +"Yes, sir, do you wish Madame, a lady of deep education, sir, to +believe that?" cried Mr. Sagittarius. + +"I can only adhere to what I have said," answered the Prophet. "My +grandmother has never been removed from the bottle, has never worn a +short coat, has never put her hair up and has never had an epidemic in +Berkeley Square." + +"Then all I can say is that she's an unnatural old lady," cried Madame, +with obvious temper, tossing her head and kicking out the kid boots, as +if seized with the sudden desire to use them upon a human football. +"And there's not many like her." + +"There is no one like her, no one at all," said the Prophet with +fervour. + +"So I should suppose," cried Madame, forgetting the other questions as +to the day of marriage, etc., in the vexation of the moment. "She must +certainly be the bird of whom Phoenix wrote that rose from ashes in the +days of the classics. /Rarum avis/ indeed! Eh, Jupiter?" + +"Very rarum, my dear, very indeed!" responded her husband, with +imitative sarcasm. "An avis indeed, not a doubt of it." + +"De Queechy should have known her," continued Madame. "He always loved +everything out of the common. Well, and now for the prophecy. What is +all this, Mr. Vivian?" + +"The result of last night's observation," said the Prophet. + +"Do you call that a cycloidal curve?" asked Madame, with a contralto +laugh that shook the library. "Look, Jupiter!" + +Mr. Sagittarius glanced over his wife's heaving shoulder. + +"Very poor, my dear, very irregular indeed." + +"It's the best I could do," said the Prophet, still politely. + +"I daresay," replied Mr. Sagittarius. "I daresay. Where's your star- +map?" + +"I'm afraid I don't know," answered the Prophet. "I left it in the +pomade." + +"The pomade!" + +"Yes, the butler's own special pomade, and it seems to have +disappeared." + +"Very careless, very careless indeed. Let's see--prophecy first, then +how arrived at. 'Grandmother apparently threatened with some danger at +night in immediate future. Great turmoil in the house during dark +hours.' H'm! 'Some stranger, or strangers, coming into her life and +causing great trouble and confusion, almost resulting in despair, and +perhaps actually inducing illness.' H'm! H'm! We didn't arrive at any +of this by our observations, did we, Sophronia?" + +"Decidedly not," snapped Madame, haughtily. + +"And now let's see how arrived at. H'm! H'm! Grandmother--ingress of +Crab--conjunction of Scorpio with Serpens--moon in eleventh house. Yes, +that's so. Jupiter in trine with Saturn--What's this? 'Crab dressed +implies danger--undressed Crab much safer--attempted intervention +failure--she's in a nice state now--it tried to keep her from it, but +she was drawn right to it.' Right to what?" + +"The Crab?" + +"Of course she was drawn to it. She depends on the Crab these nights. +But what does the rest mean?" + +"The Crab was dressed." + +"Dressed--what in?" + +"I don't know," said the Prophet. "It didn’t tell me." + +Mr. Sagittarius and Madame exchanged glances. + +"Explain yourself, Mr. Vivian, I beg," cried Madame in a somewhat +excited manner. "How could the Crab be dressed?" + +"I have wondered," said the Prophet, gazing at the couple before him +with shining eyes. "But it was dressed last night, and that made it +exceptionally dangerous in some way. Something seemed to tell me so. +Something did tell me so." + +"What told you?" inquired Madame, with more excitement and a certain +respect which had been quite absent from her manner before. + +"Something that came in the night. I don't know what it was. Light +flashed from it." + +"It sounds like a sort of comet, my darling," said Mr. Sagittarius, +considerably perturbed. "We didn't observe that the Crab was specially +dressed, did we?" + +"It had nothing on at all when we saw it," said Madame with growing +agitation. "But whatever was this comet that flashed light? That's what +I want to get at." + +"It was a dark thing that told me the Crab was dressed, that my +grandmother had been with it and that its influence was inimical to +her." + +"A dark thing! That's not a comet!" said Mr. Sagittarius. + +"It vanished with a flash of light into the square." + +"At what time did you observe it, sir?" asked Mr. Sagittarius, while +Madame leaned forward, gazing with goggling eyes at the Prophet. + +"At exactly half-past one." + +"Did it stay long?" + +"A few minutes only--but it made an impression upon me that I can never +forget." + +It had apparently also made a very great impression upon Mr. and Madame +Sagittarius, who remained for some seconds staring fixedly at the +Prophet without uttering a word. At last Mr. Sagittarius turned to +Madame and said in a voice that shook with seriousness,-- + +"Can it be, Sophronia, that prophets ought to live in the central +districts? Can it really be that the nearer they are to the Circus, and +even to the Stores--" + +"/O beatus illa/!" interjected Madame upon the pinions of a sigh. + +"Yes, Sophronia, the Stores, the more clearly is the knowledge of the +future vouchsafed to them? If it should prove to be so!" + +Madame stared again upon the Prophet with a fixity and strained inquiry +which made him shift in his seat. + +"If it should!" she repeated, upon the lowest note of her lower +register, which sounded, at that solemn moment, like the keynote of a +dreamer. Then, with a sudden change of manner, she cried sharply,-- + +"Jupiter, you must accompany this gentleman back to the square to-day." + +The Prophet started. So did Mr. Sagittarius. + +"But--" they cried simultaneously. + +"And you must share his night watch." + +"But, my darling--" + +"Or I will," cried Madame. "Which is it to be?" + +"Mr. Sagittarius!" exclaimed the Prophet. + +"Very well," said Madame. "Let mine be the weary task to wait and watch +at home. /Fata feminus/. The mystery of the dressed Crab must be +unveiled. Should this mysterious visitant again vouchsafe a prophetic +message, a practical prophet must be at hand to receive it. Jupiter, +this gentleman is not practical. This report"--she struck the paper on +which the Prophet had dotted down his notes--"is badly written. The +cycloidal curve might have been made by a Board School child. The +deductions drawn--/deductio ad absurdibus/--reveal no talent, none of +the prophetic /feu de joie/ at all. But this mystery of the dressed +Crab may mean much. Jupiter, you will accompany this gentleman back to +London and you will assist him practically at the telescope to-night." + +"Very well, my love. I will risk the personal danger, for your and the +children's--" + +"But--but really--" began the Prophet. "I am very sorry, but--" + +"Madame has spoken, sir," said Mr. Sagittarius, very solemnly. + +"I know she has. But--yes, I know there are no buts in your dictionary, +Madame, I know there aren't--but I have an engagement to-night that I +have sworn--" + +"What engagement, sir?" said Mr. Sagittarius, sternly. "You have sworn +to us. You must know that." + +"I have sworn to almost everyone," cried the distracted Prophet. "But +this swear--I mean this oath must be kept before yours." + +"Before ours, sir?" + +"It comes on before eleven. I keep my oath to you after it. I manage +the two, don't you see?" + +"He will see that you manage the two, Mr. Vivian, I can assure you," +said Madame, viciously. "Won't you, Jupiter?" + +"Certainly, my dear. What is the oath, sir, that you place before +ours?" + +"An oath to Miss Minerva," returned the Prophet, beginning to feel +reckless, firm in the conviction that it was henceforth his destiny to +be the very sport of Fate. + +"Ha!" cried Mr. Sagittarius. "The double life!" + +"Who is Miss Minerva, pray?" said Madame, shooting a very penetrating +glance upon her husband. + +"Your husband can tell you that," replied the Prophet, by no means +without guile. + +"Jupiter," cried Madame, "what is the meaning of this? Who is this +person?" + +Mr. Sagittarius looked exceedingly uncomfortable. + +"My dear," he began, "she is a young fe--that is, a young wo--I should +say--" + +"A fe! A wo! Explain yourself, Jupiter!" + +"She is a lady, my love." + +"A lady! Do I know her?" + +"I believe not, my dear." + +"And do you?" + +"No, my darling. That is--that is--" + +"Yes, I suppose!" said Madame, with a very violent click. + +"I can hardly say, Sophronia, that, I can't indeed. I have met her, by +accident, quite by accident I assure you, once or twice." + +"Where?" + +"At Jellybrand's. She goes there to fetch letters on the same day as I +do." + +Madame's very intellectual brow was over-clouded with storm. She turned +upon the Prophet. + +"And what of this person, Mr. Vivian?" she cried. "What of her and this +oath?" + +The Prophet, who was secretly very delighted with the diversion he had +so cleverly created, hastened to reply,-- + +"I have promised most solemnly to meet her to-night at a house in the +Zoological Gardens!" + +"A house in the Zoological Gardens!" + +"I mean at the Zoological House, the residence of Mrs. Vane Bridgeman, +who is--" + +But, at this point in his explanation, the Prophet was interrupted by +both his hearers. + +"The Jellybrand one!" cried Mr. Sagittarius. + +"The prophets' patron!" vociferated Madame. + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + THE PROPHET RETURNS FROM THE MOUSE WITH TWO OLD AND VALUED FRIENDS + +At these exclamations the Prophet started in some surprise. + +"You know this lady?" he asked. + +"By repute, sir," replied Mr. Sagittarius. + +"Who does not?" cried Madame. "She built the 'Prophets' Rest' at +Birchington." + +"And the Mediums' Almshouses at Sunnington." + +"And the 'Palmists' Retreat' at Millaby Bay." + +"And the--" + +"I see you know all about her," interposed the Prophet. "Well, she is +giving a reception to-night at Zoological House and I have sworn to be +there. But I shall get home by eleven. You will understand, however, +that I cannot have the pleasure of entertaining Mr. Sagittarius during +the evening under my own roof. I regret this extremely, but you see it +is unavoidable." + +To the Prophet's great surprise this lucid explanation was received by +his hearers with a strange silence and a combined meditative, and even +moony, staring which was to him inexplicable. Both Madame and Mr. +Sagittarius seemed suddenly immersed in contemplation. They began, he +thought, to look like Buddhists, or like those devoted persons who, in +the times of the desert monks, remained for long periods posed upon +pillows in sandy wastes musing upon Eternity. At first, as he met their +fixed eyes, he fancied that they were, perhaps, falling into a trance, +but presently the conviction seized him that they must be, on the +contrary, busily thinking out some problem. He hoped fervently that he +did not form part of it. At length the quivering silence was broken by +Mr. Sagittarius. + +"I might accompany you to Mrs. Bridgeman's, sir," he said to the +Prophet. "Might I not, Sophronia?" + +"Oh, but--" began the Prophet, very hastily. + +"The lady has frequently pressed me to accept of her hospitality." + +"Indeed!" + +"For years she has been writing to me at Jellybrand's, under my real +name of Malkiel the Second, you understand. She addresses me simply as +the master.' " + +"But do the postal authorities--" + +"Not upon the envelope, sir, not upon the envelope." + +"I see." + +"Hitherto, true to myself, true to the principles of Malkiel the First, +and to the instincts of Madame, I have declined her personal +acquaintance. But there is no reason why you should not introduce me to +the house as Mr. Sagittarius, no reason at all." + +The Prophet knew only too well that there was not, but before he had +time to go on trying to wriggle out of the complication, Madame struck +in. + +"Miss Minerva is to be present at this reception, I believe," she said +sharply. + +"Yes, she is," answered the Prophet, illumined by a ray of hope. + +"Jupiter," said Madame, "I will accompany you and Mr. Vivian to the +Zoological Gardens to-night. It is my sacred duty." + +The Prophet groaned. + +"But, my darling--" + +"The reception over, I will assist you and Mr. Vivian at the telescope +in the Berkeley Square. In your presence I can do so without departing +from my principles, /salvo pudoribus/. Do not interrupt me, Jupiter, if +you please. I have thought the matter out. The crisis in our fate is at +hand. Upon the events of the next three nights depends our future. +These mysterious messages of which Mr. Vivian speaks must be examined +into by us upon the spot. This mystery of the dressed Crab must be made +clear. A woman's intellect is needed. A woman's intellect shall not be +wanting. Ill as I am, worn down by the occurrences of yesterday and by +this gentleman's incessant telegrams, I will leave my books"--here she +waved one hand towards the dwarf bookcase--"I will assume an +appropriate /neglige/ and my outdoor boots, a fichu and bonnet, and +will accompany you at once to the Berkeley Square, there to confer and +arrange the programme of the evening. Mrs. Bridgeman would fall down +before us in worship could she know who we really are. As it is, Mr. +Vivian will introduce us modestly as two old and valued friends. The +time may be at hand when we need no longer hide ourselves beneath an +/alibi/. Till then we must possess ourselves, and Mr. Vivian must +possess us, in patience. Ill as I am, I will accompany you. To-night +shall see me in the Zoological Gardens at my husband's side." + +Before the prospect of this sublime self-sacrifice both Mr. Sagittarius +and the Prophet were as men dumb. They said not a word. They only +gazed--with a sort of strange idiotcy--at Madame as she rose, with an +elaborate and studied feebleness, from the maroon couch and prepared to +go upstairs to assume the appropriate /neglige/. Only when she was at +her full height did the Prophet, rendered desperate by the terrible +results of his own ingenuity, nerve himself to utter one last protest. + +"I really do not think it would be quite according to the rules of +etiquette which prevail in the central districts," he cried, "for a +lady to spend the night in the butler's pantry of a comparative +stranger, even when accompanied by her husband. It might give rise to +talk in the square, and--" + +"The butler's pantry, sir!" exclaimed Mr. Sagittarius. "Explain +yourself, I beg." + +"The telescope is there, and--" + +"I have passed beyond the reach of etiquette," said Madame, looking +considerably like Joan of Arc and other well-known heroines. "My duty +lies plain before me. Of myself I should not have selected the +Zoological Gardens and the butler's pantry of a comparative stranger as +places in which to pass the night, even when accompanied by my husband. +But my conscience--/mens conscium recto/--guides me and I will not +resist it. I will assume my /neglige/ and bonnet and will be with you +in a moment." + +So saying she majestically quitted the apartment. + +The Prophet fell down upon the maroon sofa like a man smitten with +paralysis. He felt suddenly old, and very weak. He tried to think, to +consider how he could explain Madame Sagittarius to his grandmother-- +for she must surely now become aware of the presence of strangers in +her pretty home--how he could arrange matters with Mr. Ferdinand, how +he could apologise to a lady whom he had never yet seen for appearing +at her house with two uninvited guests, how he could get rid of the +Sagittariuses when the horrible night watch should be at an end and the +frigid winter dawn be near. But his mind refused to work. His brain was +a blank, containing nothing except, perhaps, a vague desire for sudden +death. Mr. Sagittarius did not disturb his contemplation of the +inevitable. Indeed, that gentleman also seemed meditative, and the +silence lasted until the reappearance of Madame, in a brown robe--of a +slightly tea-gown type--trimmed with green chiffon and coffee-coloured +lace, a black bonnet adorned with about a score of imitation plums made +in some highly-glazed material, a heavy cloak lined with priceless +rabbit-skins, and the outdoor boots. + +If the Prophet had found the journey to the Mouse a painful experience, +what can be said of his feelings during the journey from that noble +stream? Long afterwards he recalled his state of mind during the tramp +across the Common among the broken crockery, the dust-heaps, the +decaying vegetables and the occasional lurking rats, the journey in the +train, the reembarkment upon the purple 'bus from the gentle eminence +sloping towards the coal-yard, the long pilgrimage towards the central +districts with his very outlying companions. He recalled the peculiar +numbness that strove against the desperation of his thoughts, his +feeble efforts to lay plans frustrated by a perpetual buzzing in his +brain, his flitting visions of that gentle grandmother round whose +venerable age and dignity he was about to group such peculiar +personalities, and beneath whose roof he was about to indulge in such +unholy prophetic practices. Long afterwards--but even then he could not +smile as men so often smile when they look back on lost despairs! + +He and his companions spoke but little together as they journeyed. +Occasionally Madame and Mr. Sagittarius conversed in husky whispers, +like brigands the Prophet thought, and the veiled click of Madame's +contralto struck through the startled air. But mostly a silence +prevailed--a silence alive with fate. + +At the corner of Air Street they got out and began to walk down +Piccadilly towards the Berkeley square. It was now evening. The lamps +were lighted and the murmur of strolling crowds filled the gloomy air. +Madame stared feverishly about her, excited by the press, the flashing +hansoms and the gaily-illuminated shops. Once, as she passed Benoist's, +she murmured "/O festum dies/!" and again, by the Berkeley, when she +was momentarily jostled by a very large and umbrageous tramp who had +apparently been celebrating the joys of beggary--"/Acto profanus +vulgam/!" But generally she was silent, enwrapped, no doubt, in bookish +thought. When, at length, they stood before the door of number one +thousand she breathed a heavy sigh. + +"Please," said the Prophet, in a trembling voice, "please enter +quietly. My grandmother is very unwell." + +"Ankles seems to be a very painful complaint, sir," said Mr. +Sagittarius. "But Madame and self are not in the habit of creating +uproar by our movements." + +"No, no. Of course not. Still--on tiptoe if you don't mind." + +"I cannot walk on tiptoe," said Madame, in a voice that sounded to the +Prophet terrifically powerful. "The attitude is precarious and +undignified. As the great Juvenile--" + +"Yes, yes. Ah! that's it!" + +He managed to get his key into the door and very gingerly opened it. +Madame and Mr. Sagittarius stepped into the hall, followed closely by +the Prophet, who was content on conveying them unobserved to the +library. + +"This way," he whispered. "This way. Softly! Softly!" + +He began to steal, like a shadow, across the hall, and, impressed by +his surreptitious manner, his old and valued friends instinctively +followed his example. All three of them, then, with long steps and +theatrical pauses, were stagily upon the move, when suddenly the door +that led to the servants' quarters swung open and Mrs. Fancy Quinglet +debouched into their midst, succeeded by Mr. Ferdinand, who carried in +his hand a menu card in a silver holder. At the moment of their +appearance the Prophet, holding his finger to his lips, was taking a +soft and secret stride in the direction of the library door, his body +bent forward and his head protruded towards the sanctum he longed to +gain, and Madame and Mr. Sagittarius, true to the instinct of imitation +that dwells in our monkey race, were in precisely similar attitudes +behind him. The hall being rather dark, and the gait of the trio it +contained thus tragically surreptitious, it was perhaps not unnatural +that Mrs. Fancy should give vent to a piercing cry of terror, and that +Mr. Ferdinand should drop the menu and crouch back against the wall in +a hunched position expressive of alarm. At any rate, such were their +actions, while--for their part--the Prophet and his two old and valued +friends uttered a united exclamation and struck three attitudes that +were pregnant with defensive amazement. + +Having uttered herself, Mrs. Fancy, according to her invariable custom +when completely terrified, displayed all the semblance of clear-sighted +composure and explanatory discrimination. While Mr. Ferdinand remained +by the wall, with his face to it and his large white hands spread out +upon his shut eyes, the lady's maid advanced upon Madame, and, +addressing herself apparently to some hidden universe in need of +information, remarked in rather a piecing voice,-- + +"I say again, as I said afore, the house has been broke into and the +robbers are upon us. I can't speak different nor mean other." + +On hearing these words Madame's large and rippling countenance became +suffused with indignant scarlet, and a preliminary click rang through +the hall. The Prophet bounded forward. + +"Hush, Fancy," he cried. "What are you saying?" + +"What I mean, Master Hennessey. The house has been broke--" + +"Hush! Hush! This lady and gentleman are--" + +"Two old and valued friends--" boomed Madame. + +"Two old and valued friends of mine. Mr. Ferdinand! Mr. Ferdinand, take +your face from the wall, if you please. There is no cause for alarm. +Now, Fancy--now!" + +For Mrs. Fancy had, as usual, broken into tears on learning the +reassuring truth, and was now displaying every symptom of distress and +enervation. The Prophet, unable to calm her, was obliged to assist her +upstairs and place her upon the landing, where he hurriedly left her +uttering broken moans and murmurs, and repeating again and again her +statement of affairs and assertion of inability to conceal the revealed +obvious. On his return he found Madame, Mr. Sagittarius and Mr. +Ferdinand grouped statuesquely in the hall as if to represent +"Perturbation." + +"Mr. Ferdinand," he said rather severely, "I did not expect this +conduct of you, shrinking from guests in this extraordinary manner. A +butler who shows terror at the sight of visitors does not conduce to +the popularity of his employers." + +"I beg pardon, sir. I was not prepared." + +"Please be prepared another time. You will serve dinner for three +to-night, very quietly, in the inner dining-room. I do not wish Mrs. +Merillia to be disturbed in her illness, and--" + +"If you please, sir, Mrs. Merillia feels herself so much better that +she is coming down to dinner to-night." + +"Coming down to dinner!" said the Prophet, aghast. + +"Yes, sir. And she has asked in Sir Tiglath Butt and the Lady Julia +Postlethwaite to join her. I was about to show Mrs. Merillia the menu, +sir, when--" + +"Good Heavens! Merciful Powers!" ejaculated the Prophet. + +"Sir?" + +"What on earth is to be done?" continued the Prophet, lost for the +moment to all sense of propriety. + +Mr. Ferdinand looked at the old and valued friends. + +"I can't say, sir, I'm sure," he replied, pursing up his lips. + +"What is the meaning--" began Mr. Sagittarius. + +"I'm not aware that--" started Madame. + +The Prophet darted to the library door and opened it. + +"Pray, pray come in here," he hissed. "My grandmother! Softly!" + +"But the old la--" + +"Hush, please!" + +"I must remark, Mr. Viv--" + +"Tsh! Tsh! Mr. Ferdinand, wait in the hall. I shall want to speak to +you in a moment." + +"Yes, sir." + +The Prophet closed the door and turned to this indignant visitors. + +"This is terrible," he said. "Terrible!" + +"Pray why?" cried Madame. + +"Why," cried the Prophet, "why?" + +He sought frantically for some excuse. Suddenly a bright idea occurred +to him. + +"Why," he said, impressively. "Because Sir Tiglath Butt, the gentleman +who is coming to dinner, is the person who for five-and-forty years has +been seeking Mr. Sagittarius with the firm intention of assaulting, +perhaps of killing, him." + +Mr. Sagittarius turned deathly pale, and made a movement as if to get +out of the nearest window. + +"This is a trap!" he stammered. "This is a rat-trap. This was planned." + +"Really"--began the Prophet. + +But Mr. Sagittarius did not heed the exclamation. Tremblig very +violently, he continued,-- + +"Sophy, my darling, you are in danger. Let us fly!" + +And, clutching his wife by the arm, to the Prophet's unspeakable +delight he endeavoured to lead, or rather to drag her to the door. But +Madame now showed the metal she was made of. + +"Jupiter," she exclaimed, in her deepest note, "if you are a Prophet +you can surely at moments be also a man. Where is your /toga +virilibus/?" + +"I don't know, my love, I'm sure. Don't let us lose a moment. Come, my +angel!" + +"I shall not come," retorted Madame, whose leaping ambition had been +fired by the sound of titled names. "The gentleman believes you to be +an American syndicate." + +"I know, my blessing, I know. But--" + +"Very well. If you don't behave like one he will never suspect you." + +The Prophet saw his chance slipping from him and hastened to interpose. + +"He might divine the truth," he said. "One can never--" + +But at this moment he was interrupted by Mr. Ferdinand who abruptly +opened the door and observed,-- + +"If you please, sir, Mrs. Merillia has sent down orders that the police +are to be fetched at once." + +Mr. Sagittarius, now thoroughly unnerved, turned from white to grey. + +"The police!" he vociferated. "Sophy, my angel, let us fly. This is no +place for you!" + +"The police!" cried the Prophet. "Why?" + +"I believe it's Mrs. Fancy's doing, sir. If you would go to Mrs. +Merillia, sir, I think--" + +The Prophet rushed from the room and hastened upstairs four steps at a +time. He found his beloved grandmother in a state of grave agitation, +and Mrs. Fancy, in floods of tears, reiterating her statement that +there were robbers in the house. + +"Oh, Hennessey!" cried Mrs. Merillia, on his entrance, "thank God that +you are come. There are burglars in the house. Fancy has just +encountered them in the hall. Go for the police, my dearest boy. Don't +lose a moment." + +"My dear grannie, they're not burglars." + +"I can't speak different, Master Hennessey, nor--" + +"Then who are they, Hennessey? Fancy declares--" + +"They are two--two--well, two old and valued friends of mine." + +"Old and valued friends of ours!" + +"Of mine, grannie. Fancy, pray don't make such a noise!" + +"Fancy," said Mrs. Merillia, "you can go to your room and lie down." + +"Yes, ma'am. I say again, as I said afore, the house has been broke +into and the robbers--" + +At this point the Prophet shut the door on the faithful and persistent +creature, who forthwith carried her determination and sobs to an upper +storey. + +"Hennessey, what is all this? Who is really here?" + +"Grannie, dear, only two friends of mine," replied the Prophet, trying +to look at ease, and feeling like a criminal. + +"Friends of yours? But surely then I know them. I thought I knew all +your friends." + +"So you do, grannie, all except--except just these." + +"And they are old and valued, you say?" + +"No, no--that is, I mean yes." + +Mrs. Merillia was too dignified to ask any further questions. She lay +back on her sofa, and looked at her grandson with a shining of mild +reproach in her green eyes. + +"Well, my dear," she said, "go back to your friends, but don't forget +that Lady Julia and Sir Tiglath are dining here at half-past seven." + +"Grannie," cried the Prophet, with a desperate feeling that Madame +meant to stay, "you ought not to dine downstairs to-night. Let me send +and put them off." + +"No, Hennessey," she answered, with gentle decision. "I feel better, +and I want cheering up. My morning was not altogether pleasant." + +The Prophet understood that she was alluding to his questions, and felt +cut to the heart. His home seemed crumbling about him, but he knew not +what to do or what to say. Mrs. Merillia observed his agitation, but +she did not choose to remark upon it, for she considered curiosity the +most vulgar of all the vices. + +"Go to your friends, dear," she said again. "But be in time for +dinner." + +"Yes, grannie." + +The Prophet descended the stairs and met Mr. Ferdinand at the bottom. + +"Am I to send for the police, sir?" + +"No, no. I've explained matters." + +"And about dinner, sir?" + +"I'll tell you in a moment, Mr. Ferdinand," replied the Prophet, +entering the library with the fixed intention of getting Madame and Mr. +Sagittarius out of the house without further delay. + +The tableau that met his eyes, however, was not reassuring. He found +Madame, having laid aside her bonnet, and thrown the rabbit-skin cloak +carelessly upon a settee, arranging her hair before a mirror, and +shaking up the coffee-coloured lace fichu in a manner that suggested a +permanent occupation of the house, while her husband, sunk in a deep +armchair in an attitude of complete nervous prostration, was gazing +dejectedly into the fire. When the Prophet entered, the latter bounded +with alarm, while Madame turned round, a couple of hairpins in her +mouth and both hands to the back of her head. + +"Ah," she remarked, through the pins, "/il a vous/! I am happy to say +that I have induced Mr. Sagittarius to assume his /toga virilibus/, and +that we have, therefore, great pleasure in yielding to your thoughtful +pressure--" + +"My what?" said the Prophet, blankly. + +"You thoughtful pressure, and accepting your urgent invite to dine here +before proceeding to the Zoological Gardens and thence to the butler's +pantry." + +The Prophet tried not to groan while she emitted a pin and secured with +it a wandering plait of raven hair. + +"You're sure, sir," said Mr. Sagittarius, in a deplorable voice, "that +the gentleman is convinced that I am really an American syndicate?" + +The Prophet rang the bell. He could not trust himself to speak, and, +when he looked at Madame's large and determined eyes, he knew that to +do so would be useless. + +Mr. Ferdinand appeared. + +"Mr. Ferdinand," said the Prophet, "this lady and gentleman will join +us at dinner to-night." + +"Yes, sir," said Mr. Ferdinand, casting a glance of outraged prudery +upon Mr. Sagittarius, who was attired in his usual morning costume, +including spats. + +"What's the matter, Mr. Ferdinand?" asked the Prophet, following that +functionary's eyes. "Ha! He's not dressed!" + +"No, sir!" + +"Mr. Sagittarius," cried the Prophet, "you're not dressed!" + +"Sir," cried that gentleman, "do you dare to accuse me of impropriety +in a frock coat?" + +"No, no. But for dinner. You can't possibly dine like that!" + +"I have dined like this, sir, for the last twenty years. The architects +and their wives--" + +"I daresay. But unluckily there will be no architects and their wives +at dinner to-night. Please stand up." + +"Sir?" + +"Kindly stand up. Mr. Ferdinand!" + +"Yes, sir." + +"Place your back against this gentleman's if you please--touching, +touching! Don't wriggle away like that. Keep your heels to the ground +while I fetch a sheet of notepaper. Don't move your heads either of +you. I thought so. You're pretty much the same height. Mr. Ferdinand, +you will lay out a white shirt and one of your black dress suits in my +dressing-room at once. Madame, I regret that we must leave you for a +few moments. Will you rest here? Allow me to place a cushion for your +head. And here is Juvenal in the original." + +So saying, the Prophet hurried Mr. Sagittarius from the room, driving +Mr. Ferdinand, in a condition of elephantine horror, before him, and +abandoning Madame to an acquaintance with the classics that she had +certainly never achieved in the society of the renowned Dr. Carter. + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +MALKIEL THE SECOND IS MISTAKEN FOR A RATCATCHER + +"If you tremble like that, of course it must look too big!" exclaimed +the Prophet to Mr. Sagittarius, a quarter of an hour later. "Draw it in +at the back." + +Mr. Sagittarius, with shaking hands, drew in the waistcoat of Mr. +Ferdinand, which hung in folds around his thin and agitated figure. + +"That's better," said the Prophet. "They won't notice anything odd. But +you've turned up your--Mr. Ferdinand's trousers!" + +"They're too long, sir. You braced them too low for--" + +"I braced them low on purpose," cried the Prophet in great excitement, +"to cover the spats, since you can't get on Mr. Ferdinand's boots. +Kindly turn them down." + +"As to the spats, sir, the architects and their wives--" + +"Mr. Sagittarius," exclaimed the Prophet, "I think it right to inform +you that if you mention the architects and their wives again, I may +very probably go mad. I don't say I shall, but I will not answer for +myself. Have the goodness to turn them down and follow me." + +Mr. Sagittarius obeyed, and followed the Prophet from the room with a +waddling gait and a terrible sensation of having nothing on. The coat +and trousers which he wore flapped about him as he descended the stairs +in the wake of the Prophet, glancing nervously about him and starting +at the slightest sound. In the library they found Madame, holding the +great Juvenile upside down and looking exceedingly cross. + +"Will you be good enough to come upstairs?" said the Prophet to her +very politely, though his fingers twitched to strangle her. "I wish to +present you to my grandmother, and dinner is just ready." + +Madame rose with dignity. + +"I am ready too," she said, with a click. "/Semper paratis/." + +And, shaking up the fichu, she ascended the stairs. Outside the +drawing-room door the Prophet, who seemed strangely calm, but who was +in reality almost bursting with nervous excitement, paused and faced +his old and valued friends. + +"You will forgive my saying so, I hope," he whispered, "but my +grandmother is not well and much conversation tires her. So we don't +talk too much in her presence. Only just now and then, you understand." + +And with this last injunction--futile, he knew as he gave it--he +commended himself to whatever powers there be and opened the door. + +Sir Tiglath had not yet arrived, but Lady Julia Postlethwaite was +seated on a sofa by Mrs. Merillia, and was conversing with her about +the Court, the dreadful amount of money a certain duke--her third +cousin--had recently had to pay in Death Duties, the corrupt condition +of society, and the absurd pretensions of the lower middle classes. +Lady Julia was sensitive and a very /grande dame/. She wore her hair +powdered, and had a slight cough and exquisite manners. Once a lady in +waiting, she was now a widow, possessed a set of apartments in Hampton +Court Palace, worshipped Queen Alexandra, and had scarcely ever spoken +to anybody who moved outside of Court Circles. The Duke of Wellington +was said to have embraced her when a child. + +Mrs. Merillia and this lady looked up when the door opened, and Lady +Julia paused midway in a sentence, of which these were the opening +words,-- + +"The old duke wouldn't make it over, and so poor Loftus has to pay +nearly a million to the Chancellor of the Excheq--" + +"How d'you do, Lady Julia? Grannie, I have persuaded my friends, Mr. +and Madame Sagittarius, to join us at dinner. Sir Tiglath Butt is most +anxious to meet Mr. Sagittarius, who is a great astronomer. Let me-- +Madame Sagittarius, Mrs. Merillia--Mr. Sagittarius--Mrs. Merillia, my +grandmother--Lady Julia Postlethwaite." + +Mrs. Merillia, although taken completely by surprise, and fully +conscious that her grandson had committed an outrage in turning an +arranged and intimate quartette without permission into a disorganised +sextette, bowed with self-possessed graciousness, and indicated a chair +to Madame, who seated herself in it with that sort of defensive and +ostentatious majesty which is often supposed by ill-bred people to be a +perfect society manner. Mr. Sagittarius remained standing in his +enormous suit, turning out his feet, over which Mr. Ferdinand's +trousers rippled in broadcloth waves, in the first position. A slight +pause ensued, during which the Prophet was uncomfortably affected by +the behaviour of Madame, who gazed at the very neat and superior wig +worn by Mrs. Merillia, and at that lady's charming silver grey damask +gown, in a manner that suggested amazement tempered with indignation, +her instant expression of these two sentiments being only held in check +by a certain reverence which was doubtless inspired by the pretty room, +the thick carpet, the ancestral pictures upon the walls, and the lofty +bearing of Lady Julia Postlethwaite, who could scarcely conceal her +very natural surprise at the extraordinary appearance of Mr. +Sagittarius. As to Mrs. Merillia, although she was, in reality, near +fainting with wonder at her grandson's escapade, she preserved an +expression of gracious benignity, and did not allow a motion of her +eyelids or a flutter of her fan to betray her emotion at finding +herself the unprepared hostess of such unusual guests. The Prophet +broke the silence by saying, in a voice that cracked with agitation,-- + +"I trust--I sincerely trust that we shall have a clement spring this +year." + +Lady Julia, at whom he had looked while uttering this original desire, +was about to reply when Madame uttered a stentorian click and +interposed. + +"In the spring the young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of +love," she remarked, with the fictitious ease of profound ill-breeding. + +No one dared to dispute the portentous statement, and she resumed +majestically,-- + +"The Mouse is delicious in spring." + +There was another dead silence, and Madame, turning with patronising +and heavy affability towards Lady Julia, added,-- + +"Your ladyship doubtless loves the Mouse--/Mus Pulcherrimo/--in spring +as I do?" + +The Prophet felt as if he were being pricked by thousands of red-hot +needles, and the perspiration burst out in beads upon his forehead. + +"I am not specially fond of mice in spring, or indeed at any season," +replied Lady Julia, with her slight, but very distinct and bell-like, +cough. + +"I said the Mouse, your ladyship," returned Madame, feeding upon this +titled acquaintance with her bulging black eyes, and pushing the kid +boots well out from under her brown skirt. "I observed that the Mouse +was peculiarly delicious in the season of love." + +"No mouse attracts me," said Lady Julia, coughing again and raising her +fine eyebrows slightly. "I should much prefer to pass the spring +without the companionship of any mouse whatever." + +Both Madame and Mr. Sagittarius opened their lips to reply, but before +they could eject a single word the door was opened by Mr. Ferdinand, +who announced,-- + +"Sir Tiglath Butt." + +Mr. Sagittarius started violently and upset a vase of roses, the +astronomer rolled into the room with a very red face, and Mr. Ferdinand +added,-- + +"Dinner is served." + +Mrs. Merillia shook hands with Sir Tiglath and glanced despairingly +around her. It was sufficiently obvious that she was considering how to +arrange the procession to the dining-room. + +"Hennessey," she began, "will you take Lady Julia? Sir Tiglath, will +you"--she paused, but there was no help for it, she was obliged to +continue--"take Mrs. Sagittarius? Let me introduce you, Sir Tiglath +Butt--Mrs. Sagittarius. Mr. Sagittarius, will you take--" + +"Mr. Sagittarius!" roared Sir Tiglath. "Where is he?" + +That gentleman gathered Mr. Ferdinand's trousers up in both hands and +prepared for instantaneous flight. + +"Where is he?" bellowed Sir Tiglath, wheeling round with amazing +rapidity for so fat a man. "Ha!" + +He had viewed Mr. Sagittarius, who, grasping Mr. Ferdinand's suit in +pleats, ducked his head like one wishing to be beforehand with violence +and set the spats towards the door. Sir Tiglath advanced upon him. + +"The old astronomer has heard the name of Sagittarius," he vociferated. +"He has been informed that--" + +"It's not true, sir," cried Mr. Sagittarius, pale with terror. "It is +not true. I deny it. I am an Ameri--I mean I am not the American +syndicate--you are in error, in absolute error. I swear it. I take the +heavens to witness." + +At this remarkable and comprehensive statement Mrs. Merillia and Lady +Julia looked at each other in elegant amazement. + +"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed Sir Tiglath. "And why do you insult +the sacred heavens, you an astronomer!" + +"I am not an astronomer," cried Mr. Sagittarius, cringing in the +voluminous waistcoat of Mr. Ferdinand. "I am an outside broker. I swear +it. My dress, my manner proclaim the fact. Sophronia, tell the +gentleman that I am an outside broker and that all Margate has +recognised me as such." + +"My husband states the fact," said Madame, in response to this +impassioned appeal. "My husband brokes outside, and has done for the +last twenty years. Collect yourself, Jupiter. Pray do not doff your +/toga virilibus/ in the presence of ladies!" + +The terror of Mr. Sagittarius was such, however, that it is very +doubtful whether he would not have proceeded thus to disrobe had not +the Prophet, rendered desperate by the turn of events, abruptly leaped +between Sir Tiglath and his old and valued friend and, gathering the +outraged Lady Julia under his arm, exclaimed,-- + +"Pray, pray--we can discuss this matter more comfortably at dinner. +Permit me, Lady Julia. Sir Tiglath, if you will kindly give your arm to +Madame Sagittarius. Mr. Sagittarius, my grandmother." + +So saying, he made a sort of flank movement, so adroitly conceived and +carried out that, in the twinkling of an eye, he had driven Sir Tiglath +to the side of Madame and hustled Mr. Sagittarius into the immediate +neighbourhood of Mrs. Merillia. Nor had more than two minutes elapsed +before the whole party found themselves--they scarce knew how--arranged +around the dining table and being served with clear soup by Mr. +Ferdinand and the astounded Gustavus, whose naturally round eyes began +to take an almost oblong form as he attended to the wants of Mrs. +Merillia's very unfamiliar guests, whose outlying demeanour and +architectural manners evidently filled him with the most poignant +dismay. + +As to Mrs. Merillia and Lady Julia, the foregoing scene had so reduced +them that they were almost betrayed into some hysterical departure from +the rules of exquisite good breeding which they had unconsciously +observed from the cradle. Indeed, the latter, strong in the belief that +the terms outside broker and raving maniac were interchangeable, twice +dropped her spoon into her soup-plate before she could succeed in +lifting it to her mouth, and was unable to prevent herself from +whispering to the Prophet,-- + +"Pray, Mr. Vivian, tell me the worst--is he absolutely dangerous?" + +"No, no," whispered back the Prophet, reassuringly. "It's all his +play." + +"Play!" murmured Lady Julia, glancing at Mr. Sagittarius, who was +holding back the right sleeve of Mr. Ferdinand's coat with his left +hand in order to have the free use of his dinner limb. + +"Yes," whispered the Prophet. "He's the most harmless, innocent +creature. A child might stroke him. I mean he wouldn't hurt a child." + +"Yes, but we are not children," said Lady Julia, still in great +apprehension. + +Meanwhile Sir Tiglath, concerned with his dinner, took no heed of Mr. +Sagittarius for the moment, and that gentleman, slightly reassured, +endeavoured to make himself agreeable to Mrs. Merillia. + +"You are very pleasantly situated here, ma'am," he began. + +Mrs. Merillia thought he meant because she was at his elbow, and +answered politely,-- + +"Yes, very pleasantly situated." + +"It is indeed a blessing to be within such easy reach of the Stores," +added Mr. Sagittarius, finishing his soup, and permitting Mr. +Ferdinand's sleeves to flow down once more over his hands. + +"The Stores!" said Mrs. Merillia. + +"/O festum dies beatus illa/!" ejaculated Madame, assuming an +expression of profound and almost passionate sentiment. "Happy indeed +the good lady who dwells in the central districts!" + +She permitted a gigantic sigh to leave her bosom and to wander freely +among the locks of those at the table. Sir Tiglath, who, on being +assaulted by her learning, had shown momentary symptoms of apoplexy, +now gave a loud grunt, while the Prophet, perceiving that his +grandmother and Lady Julia were quite unequal to the occasion, hastily +replied,-- + +"Yes, Berkeley Square is very convenient in may ways." + +"Ah!" said Mr. Sagittarius, keeping a wary eye on Sir Tiglath and re- +addressing himself to Mrs. Merillia, "the Berkeley Square. But if you +lived in the one behind Kimmins's Mews, it would be quite another pair +of boots, would it not, ma'am?" + +Lady Julia, who was sitting next to Mr. Sagittarius, shifted her chair +nearer to the Prophet, and whispered, "I'm sure he is dangerous, Mr. +Vivian!" while Mrs. Merillia, in the greatest perplexity, replied,-- + +"The one behind Mr. Kimmins's Mews?" + +"Ay, over against Brigwell's Buildings, just beyond the Pauper Lunatic +Asylum." + +Lady Julia turned pale. + +"I daresay," answered Mrs. Merillia, bravely. "But I am not acquainted +with the neighbourhood you mention." + +"You know the Mouse?" + +At this abrupt return to the subject of mice Lady Julia became really +terrified. + +"Be frank with me, Mr. Vivian," she whispered to the Prophet, under +cover of boiled salmon; "is he a ratcatcher?" + +"Good Heavens, no!" whispered back the Prophet. "He's--he's quite the +contrary." + +"But--" + +"What mouse?" said Mrs. Merillia, endeavouring to seem pleasantly at +ease, though she, too, was beginning to feel a certain amount of alarm +at these strange beings' persistent discussion of the inhabitants of +the wainscot. "Do you allude to any special mouse?" + +"I do, ma'am. I allude to the Mouse that has helped to make Madame and +self what we are." + +Sir Tiglath began to roll about in his chair preparatory to some +deliverance, and Mrs. Merillia, casting a somewhat agitated glance at +her grandson, answered,-- + +"Really. I did not know that anything so small could have so much +influence." + +"It may be small, ma'am," said Mr. Sagittarius. "But to a sensitive +nature it often seems gigantic." + +"You mean at night, I suppose? Does it disturb you very much?" + +"We hear it, ma'am, but it lulls us to rest." + +"Indeed. That is very fortunate. I fear it might keep me awake." + +"So we thought at first. But now we should miss it. Should we not, +Sophronia?" + +"Doubtless," replied Madame, arranging a napkin carefully over her +fichu, and dealing rigorously with some mayonnaise sauce. "It has been +our perpetual companion for many years, /mus amicus humano generi/." + +Sir Tiglath swelled, and Mrs. Merillia responded,-- + +"I see, a pet. Is it white?" + +"No, ma'am," returned Mr. Sagittarius, "it is a rich, chocolate brown +except on wet days. Then it takes on the hue of a lead pencil." + +"Indeed!" said Mrs. Merillia, trying nobly to remain social. "How very +curious!" + +"We worship it in summer," continued Mr. Sagittarius. "In the sultry +season it soothes and calms us." + +"Then it is quite tame?" + +"At that time of year, but in winter nights it is sometimes almost +wild." + +"Ah, I daresay. They often are, I know." + +"The architects and their wives love it as we do." + +"Do they? How very fortunate!" + +"We should hate to miss it even for a moment." + +"Oh, Mr. Vivian!" whispered Lady Julia, "this is dreadful. "I'm almost +sure he's brought it with him." + +"No, no. It's not alive." + +"A dead mouse!" + +"It's a river." + +"A river! But he said it was a mouse." + +"It's both. Mr. Sagittarius," added the Prophet, in a loud and +desperate tone of voice, "you'll find this champagne quite dry. You +needn't be afraid of it." + +"Did you get it from by the rabbit shop, sir?" asked Mr. Sagittarius, +lifting his glass. "I ordered a dozen in, only the day before +yesterday." + +Lady Julia began to tremble. + +"I see," she whispered to the Prophet. "His mania is about animals." + +Meanwhile the Prophet had made a warning face at Mr. Sagittarius, who +suddenly remembered his danger and subsided, glancing uneasily at Sir +Tiglath, whose intention of addressing him had been momentarily +interfered with by a sweetbread masked in a puree of spinach. + +Madame Sagittarius, assisted by food and dry champagne, was now--as the +Prophet perceived with horror--beginning to feel quite at her ease. She +protruded her elbows, sat more extensively in her chair, rolled her +prominent eyes about the room as one accustomed to her state, and said, +with condescension, to Lady Julia,-- + +"Is your ladyship to make one of the party at the Zoological Gardens +to-night?" + +Lady Julia, who now began to suppose that Mr. Sagittarius's crazy +passion for animals was shared by his wife, gasped and answered,-- + +"Are you going to the Zoological Gardens?" + +"Yes, to an assembly. It should be very pleasant. Do you make one?" + +"I regret that I am not invited," said Lady Julia, rather stiffly. + +Madame bridled, under the impression that she was scoring off a member +of the aristocracy. + +"Indeed," she remarked, with a click. "Yet I presume that your ladyship +is not insensible to the charms of rout and collation?" + +"I beg your pardon?" said Lady Julia, beginning to look like an image +made of cast iron. + +"I imagine that the social whirl finds in your ladyship a willing +acolyte?" + +"Oh, no. I go out very little." + +"Indeed," said Madame, with some contempt. "Then you do not frequent +the Palace?" + +"The Palace! Do you mean the Crystal Palace?" + +"Of Buckingham? You are not an /amicas curiae/?" + +"I fear I don't catch your meaning." + +"Does not your ladyship comprehend the Latin tongue?" + +"Certainly not," said Lady Julia, who was born in an age when it was +considered highly improper for a young female to have any dealings with +the ancients. "Certainly not." + +"Dear me!" said Madame, with pitying amazement. "You hear her ladyship, +Jupiter?" + +"I do, my angel. Madame is a lady of deep education, ma'am," said Mr. +Sagittarius, turning to Mrs. Merillia, who had been listening to the +foregoing cross-examination with perpetually-increasing horror. + +"No decent female should understand Greek or Latin," roared Sir Tiglath +at this point. "If she does she's sure to read a great deal that she's +no business to know anything about." + +At this challenge Madame's bulging brow was overcast with a red cloud. + +"I beg to disagree, sir," she exclaimed. "In my opinion the Georgics of +Horatius, Homer's Idyls and the satires of the great Juvenile--" + +"The great what?" bellowed Sir Tiglath. + +"The great Juvenile, sir." + +"There never was a great juvenile, ma'am. Talent must be mellow before +it is worth tasting, whatever the modern whipper-snapper may say. There +never was, and there never will be, a great juvenile--there can only be +a juvenile preparing to be great." + +"Really, sir." + +"I affirm it, madam. And as you seem so mighty fond of Latin, remember +what Horace says--/Qui cupit opatam cursu contingere metam, Multa tulit +fecitque puer, sudavit et alsit/. Oh-h-h-h!" + +And Sir Tiglath flung himself back in his chair, puffing out his +enormous cheeks and wagging his gigantic head at Madame who, for once +in her life, seemed entirely at a loss, and unable to call to her +assistance a single shred of learning from the library of Dr. Carter. + +Having at last emerged from his Epicurean silence, the astronomer now +proceeded to take the floor. Satisfied that he had laid a presuming +female low, he swung round, as if on a pivot, to where Mr. Sagittarius +was sitting in the greatest agitation, and roared,-- + +"And now, sir what is all this about your being an outside broker? I +was distinctly informed by this gentleman only a night or two ago that +you were a distinguished astronomer." + +"I am betrayed!" cried Mr. Sagittarius, dropping the knife and fork +which he had just picked up for the dissection of a lobster croquette. +"I said this was a trap. I said it was a rat-trap from the first." + +"I knew he must be a ratcatcher," whispered Lady Julia to the Prophet, +who was about to rise from his seat and endeavour to calm his guest. "I +was certain no one but a ratcatcher could talk in such a manner." + +"He is not indeed! Mr. Sagittarius, pray sit down! You are alarming my +grandmother." + +"I can't help that, sir. I am not going to sit here, sir, and be +slain." + +"Tsh! Tsh! I merely informed Sir Tiglath the other evening that what +Miss Minerva had told him about you was true." + +"Miss Minerva!" cried Madame, glancing at her husband in a most +terrible manner. "Miss Minerva!" + +"Lady Enid Thistle, I mean," cried the Prophet, mentally cursing the +day when he was born. + +"Who's that?" exclaimed Madame, beginning to look almost exactly like +Medusa. + +"A young female who informed the old astronomer that your husband and +an elderly female named Mrs. Bridgeman had for a long while been +carrying on astronomical investigations together--" + +"Carrying on together!" vociferated Madame. "Jupiter!" + +"And that they had come to the conclusion that there was probably +oxygen in certain of the holy fixed stars. Oxygen, so the elderly +female--" + +"Oxygen in an elderly female!" cried Madame, in the greatest +excitement. "Jupiter, is this true?" + +Mr. Sagittarius was about to bring forward a flat denial when the +Prophet, leaning behind the terrified back of Lady Julia, hissed in his +ear,-- + +"Say yes, or he'll find out who you really are!" + +"Yes," cried Mr. Sagittarius, in a catapultic manner. + +Madame began to show elaborate symptoms of preparation for a large- +sized fit of hysterics. She caught her breath five or six times running +in a resounding manner, heaved her bosom beneath the green chiffon and +coffee-coloured lace, and tore feebly with both hands at a large +medallion brooch that was doing sentry duty near her throat. + +"Pray, pray, Madame," exclaimed the Prophet, who was now near his wits' +end. "Pray--" + +"How can I pray at table, sir?" she retorted, suddenly showing fight. +"You forget yourself." + +"Oh, Hennessey," said poor Mrs. Merillia, "what does all this mean?" + +"Nothing, grannie, nothing except that Mr. Sagittarius is a very modest +man and does not care to acknowledge the greatness of his talents. Pray +sit down, Mr. Sagittarius. Here is the ice pudding. Madame, I am sure +you will take some ice. Mr. Ferdinand!" + +"Sir?" + +"The ice to Madame Sagittarius instantly!" + +Mr. Ferdinand, who was trembling in every limb at having to assist at +such a scene in his dining-room, which had hitherto been the very +temple of soft conversation and the most exquisite decorum, advanced +towards Madame, clattering the flat silver dish, and causing the frozen +delicacy that the cook had elegantly posed upon it to run first this +way and then that as if in imitative agitation. + +"I cannot," sobbed Madame, beginning once more to catch her breath. "At +such a moment food becomes repulsive!" + +"I assure you our cook's ice puddings are quite delicious; aren't they, +grannie?" + +"I have no idea, Hennessey," said Mrs. Merillia, who was so upset by +the extraordinary scene at which she was presiding in the character of +hostess, that she mechanically clutched the left bandeau of her +delightful wig, and set it quite a quarter of an inch awry. + +"Try it, Madame," cried the Prophet. "I implore you to try it." + +Thus adjured Madame detached a large piece of the agile pudding with +some difficulty, and subsided into a morose silence, while her husband +sat with his eyes fixed imploringly upon her, totally regardless of his +social duties. As both Mrs. Merillia and Lady Julia were by this time +thoroughly unnerved, and Sir Tiglath was once more immersed in his +food, the whole burden of conversation fell upon the Prophet, who +indulged in a feverish monologue that lasted until the end of dinner. +What he talked about he could never afterwards certainly remember, but +he had a vague idea that he discussed the foreign relations of England +with Madagascar, the probable future of Poland, the social habits of +the women of Alaska, the prospects of tobacco culture in West Meath, +and the effect that imported Mexicans would be likely to produce upon +the natural simplicity of such unsophisticated persons as inhabit Lundy +Island or the more remote districts of the Shetlands. When the ladies +at length rose to leave the dining-room his brain was in a whirl and he +had little doubt that his temperature was up to 104. Nevertheless his +mind was still active, was indeed preternaturally acute for the moment, +and he saw in a flash the impossibility of leaving Madame Sagittarius +alone with his grandmother and Lady Julia. As they got up from their +seats he therefore took out his watch and said,-- + +"Dear me! It is later than I had supposed. I am afraid we ought to be +starting for Zoological House. Mrs. Bridgeman will be expecting us." + +"Certainly, sir, certainly!" said Mr. Sagittarius, with all the +alacrity of supreme cowardice, and casting a terror-stricken glance +towards Sir Tiglath, who was glowering at him with glassy eyes above a +glass of port. "Mrs. Bridgeman will be expecting us!" + +"I will assume my cloak," said Madame, fiercely. "Jupiter!" + +"My darling!" + +"Kindly seek my furs." + +"Certainly, my love," replied Mr. Sagittarius, darting eagerly from the +apartment to fetch the rabbit-skins. + +"Lady Julia, I hope you will forgive us," said the Prophet, with +passionate contrition. "If I had had the slightest idea that we should +have the pleasure of seeing you to-night, of course I should have given +up this engagement. But it is such an old one--settled months ago--and +I have promised Mrs. Bridgeman so faithfully that--" + +"The old astronomer will go with you," cried Sir Tiglath at this +moment, swallowing his glass of port at a gulp, and rolling out of his +chair. + +The Prophet turned cold, thinking of Miss Minerva, who would be present +at Mrs. Bridgeman's living her secret double life. It was imperative to +prevent the astronomer from accompanying them. + +"I did not think you knew Mrs. Bridgeman, Sir Tiglath," the Prophet +began, while Mrs. Merillia and Lady Julia stood blankly near the door, +trying to look calm and dignified while everyone was ardently preparing +to desert them. + +"The old astronomer must know her before the evening is one hour more +advanced. He must question her regarding the holy stars. He must +examine her and this Sagittarius, who claims to be an outside broker +and yet to have discovered oxygen in the fixed inhabitants of the +sacred heavens. My cloak!" + +The last words were bellowed at Gustavus, who rushed forward with Sir +Tiglath's Inverness. + +The Prophet lowed his head, and metaphorically, threw up the sponge. + +"Lady Julia," said Mrs. Merillia, in a soft voice that slightly +trembled, "let us go upstairs." + +The two old ladies bowed with tearful dignity, and retired with a sort +of gentle majesty that cut the Prophet to the heart. + +"One moment, if you please!" he said to his guests. + +And he darted out of the room and leaped up the stairs. He found Mrs. +Merillia and Lady Julia just about to dispose themselves side by side +upon a sofa near the fire. They turned and looked at him with +reproachful doves' eyes. + +"Grannie--Lady Julia!" he exclaimed, "I implore your forgiveness. +Pardon me! Appearances are against me, I know. But some day you may +understand how I am placed. My position is--my--my situation--I--you-- +do not wholly condemn me! Wait--wait a few days, I implore you!" + +He rushed out of the room. + +The two old ladies seated themselves upon the sofa, and tremblingly +spread abroad their damask skirts. They looked at each other in +silence, shaking their elegant heads. Then Mrs. Merillia said, in a +fluttering voice,-- + +"Oh, Julia, you were a lady in waiting to Her Majesty, you were kissed +by the great Duke--tell me--tell me what it all means!" + +"Victoria," replied Lady Julia, "it means that your grandson has fallen +into the clutches of a dangerous and determined ratcatcher." + +And then the two old ladies mingled their damask skirts and their lace +caps and wept. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +THE SILLY LIFE + +"Call a cab for Sir Tiglath, Mr. Ferdinand," whispered the Prophet--"a +four-wheeler with a lame horse. I'll take both Mr. and Madame +Sagittarius in the brougham." + +"Must the horse be lame, sir?" + +"Yes. I absolutely decline to encourage the practice of using good +horses in four-wheeled cabs. It's a disgrace to the poor animals. It +must be a very lame horse." + +"Yes, sir." + +And Mr. Ferdinand, standing upon the doorstep, whistled to the night. + +Strange to say, in about two minutes there appeared round the corner +the very same cabman who had conveyed the Prophet and Lady Enid to the +astronomer's on the previous day, driving the very same horse. + +"This horse will do admirably," said the Prophet to Mr. Ferdinand. + +"He isn't lame, sir." + +"P'r'aps not; but he knows how to tumble down. Sir Tiglath, here is a +cab for you. We shall go in the brougham. Zoological House, Regent's +Park, is the direction. Let me help you in, Madame." + +As the Prophet got in to sit bodkin between his old and valued friends, +he whispered to the footman,-- + +"Tell Simkins to drive as fast as possible. We are very late." + +The footman touched his hat. Just as the carriage moved off, the +Prophet protruded his head from the window, and saw the astronomer +rolling into the four-wheeler, the horse of which immediately fell down +in a most satisfactory manner. + +There was no general conversation in the brougham, but the Prophet, who +was obliged to sit partly on Madame, and partly on Mr. Sagittarius and +partly on air, occasionally heard in the darkness at his back terrible +matrimonial whisperings, whose exact tenor he was unable to catch. Once +only he heard Madame say sibilantly and with a vicious click,-- + +"I might have known what to expect when I married a Prophet--when I +passed over the /pons asinoribus/ to give myself to a /monstram +horrendo/." + +To this pathetic heart-cry Mr. Sagittarius made a very prolonged +answer. The Prophet knew it was prolonged because Mr. Sagittarius +always whispered in such a manner as to tickle the nape of his neck. +But he could not hear anything except a sound like steam escaping from +a small pipe. The steam went on escaping until the brougham passed +through a gate, rolled down a declivity, and drew up before an enormous +mansion whose windows blazed with light. + +"Is this the Zoological Gardens?" inquired Madame in a stern voice. "Is +this the habitation of the woman Bridgeman?" + +"I suppose this is Zoological House," replied the Prophet, sliding +decorously off Madame's left knee in preparation for descent. + +"My darling! my love!" said Mr. Sagittarius. "I swear upon the infant +head of our Capricornus that Mrs. Bridgeman and I are--" + +"Enough!" cried Madame. "/Jam satus/! Be sure that I will inquire into +this matter." + +The carriage door was opened and, with some struggling, the Prophet and +his two valued friends emerged and speedily found themselves in a very +large hall, which was nearly full of very large powdered footmen. In +the distance there was the sound of united frivolities, a band of +twenty guitars thrumming a wilful /seguidilla/. Roses bloomed on every +side, and beyond the hall they beheld a vision of illuminated vistas, +down which vague figures came and went. + +Evidently when Mrs. Bridgeman let herself go she let herself go +thoroughly. + +Mr. Sagittarius gazed about him with awe-struck amazement, but Madame +was equal to the occasion. She cast the rabbit-skins imperially to a +neighbouring flunkey, arranged her hair and fichu before a glass, +kicked out her skirt with the heel of one of the kid boots, nipped the +green chiffon into prominence with decisive fingers, and then, turning +to the Prophet with all the majesty of a suburban empress, said in a +powerful voice,-- + +"Step forward, I beg. /J'ai pret/." + +The Prophet, thus encouraged, stepped forward towards an aperture that +on ordinary days contained a door, but that now contained a stout +elderly lady, with henna-dyed hair, a powdered face, black eyebrows and +a yellow gown, on which rested a large number of jewelled ornaments +that looked like small bombs. At this lady's elbow stood a footman with +an exceedingly powerful bass voice, who shouted the names of +approaching guests in a manner so uncompromising as to be terrific. +Each time he so shouted the stout lady first started and then smiled, +the two operations succeeding one another with almost inconceivable +rapidity and violence. + +"What name, sir?" asked the footman of the Prophet, bending his +powdered head till it was only about six feet two inches from the +floor. + +"Mr. Hennessey Vivian," replied the Prophet, hesitating as to what he +should add. + +"Mr. Hemmerspeed Vivian!" roared the footman. "What name, Madame?" (to +Madame Sagittarius). + +"Mr. and Madame Sagittarius of Sagittarius Lodge, the Mouse!" replied +the lady majestically. + +"Mr.--and Madame--Segerteribus--of--Segerteribus--Lodge, the Mouse!" +bawled the footman. + +The stout lady, who was Mrs. Vane Bridgeman, started and smiled. + +"Delighted to see you, Mr. Segerteribus!" she said to the Prophet. + +The Prophet hastened to explain through the uproar of twenty guitars. + +"Mr. Vivian is my name. I think Miss Minerva Partridge--" + +Mrs. Bridgeman started and smiled. + +"Of course," she exclaimed. "Of course. You are to be kind enough to +introduce me some day to Mr. Sagi--Sagi--something or other, and I am +to introduce him to Sir Tiglath Butt, when Sir Tiglath Butt has been +introduced to me by dear Miss Partridge. It is all to work out +beautifully. Yes, yes! Charming! charming!" + +"I have ventured to bring Mr. and Madame Sagittarius with me to-night," +said the Prophet. + +Mrs. Bridgeman started and smiled. + +"They are my old and valued friends, and--and here they are." + +"Delighted! delighted!" said Mrs. Bridgeman, speaking in a confused +manner through the guitars. "How d'you do, Mr. Sagittarius?" + +And she shook hands warmly with a very small and saturnine clergyman +decorated with a shock of ebon hair, who was passing at the moment. + +"Biggle!" said the little clergyman. + +Mrs. Bridgeman started and smiled. + +"Biggle!" repeated the little clergyman. "Biggle!" + +The guitars rose up with violence, and all the hot, drubbing passion of +Bayswater being Spanish. + +"Yes, indeed, I so agree with you, dear Mr. Sagittarius," said Mrs. +Bridgeman to the little clergyman. + +"Biggle!" the little clergyman cried in a portentous voice. "Biggle! +Biggle!" + +"What does he mean?" whispered Mrs. Bridgeman to the Prophet. "How does +one?" + +"I think that is his name. These are Mr. and Madame Sagittarius." + +Mrs. Bridgeman started and smiled. + +"Biggle--of course," she said to the little clergyman, who passed on +with an air of reliant self-satisfaction. "Delighted to see you," she +added, this time addressing the Prophet's old and valued friends. "Ah! +Mr. Sagi--Sagi--um--I have heard so much of you from dear Miss +Minerva." + +The wild, high notes of a flute, played by a silly gentleman from +Tooting, shrilled through the tupping of the guitars, and Mr. +Sagittarius, trembling in every limb, hissed in Mrs. Bridgeman's ear,-- + +"Hush, ma'am, for mercy's sake!" + +Mrs. Bridgeman started and forgot to smile. + +"My loved and honoured wife," continued Mr. Sagittarius, in a loud and +anxious voice, "more to me than any lunar guide or starry monitor! +Madame Sagittarius, a lady of deep education, ma'am." + +"Delighted!" said Mrs. Bridgeman, making a gracious grimace at Madame, +who inclined herself stonily and replied in a sinister voice,-- + +"It is indeed time that this renconter took place. Henceforth, ma'am, I +shall be ever at my husband's side, /per fus et nefus/--/et nefus/, +ma'am." + +"So glad," said Mrs. Bridgeman. "I have been longing for this--" + +"Mr. Bernard Wilkins!" roared the tall footman. + +Mr. Sagittarius started and Mrs. Bridgeman did the same and smiled. + +"Bernard Wilkins the Prophet!" Mr. Sagittarius exclaimed. "From the +Rise!" + +"Mrs. Eliza Doubleway!" shouted the footman. + +"Mrs. Eliza!" cried Mr. Sagittarius, in great excitement. "That's the +soothsayer from the Beck!" + +"Madame Charlotte Humm!" yelled the footman. + +"Madame Humm!" vociferated Mr. Sagittarius, "the crystal-gazer from the +Hill!" + +"Professor Elijah Chapman!" bawled the footman. + +"The nose-reader!" piped Mr. Sagittarius. "The nose-reader from the +Butts!" + +"Verano!" screamed the footman, triumphantly submerging the flute and +the twenty guitars. "Verano!" + +"The South American Irish palmist from the Downs! My love," said Mr. +Sagittarius, in a cracking voice, "we are in it to-night, we are +indeed; we are fairly and squarely in it." + +Madame began to bridle and to look as ostentatious as a leviathan. + +"And if we are, Jupiter!" she said in a voice that rivalled the +footman's--"if we are, we are merely in our element. They needn't think +to come over me!" + +"Hush, my love! Remember that--" + +"Dr. Birdie Soames!" interposed the vibrant bass of the footman. + +"The physiognomy lady from the Common!" said Mr. Sagittarius, on the +point of breaking down under the emotion of the moment. "Scot! Scot! +Great Scot!" + +Mrs. Bridgeman was now completely surrounded by a heterogeneous mass of +very remarkable-looking people, among whom were peculiarly prominent an +enormously broad-shouldered man, with Roman features and his hair cut +over his brow in a royal fringe, a small woman with a pointed red nose +in bead bracelets and prune-coloured muslin, and an elderly female with +short grizzled hair, who wore a college gown and a mortar-board with a +scarlet tassel, and who carried in one hand a large skull marked out in +squares with red ink. These were Verano, the Irish palmist from the +Downs; Mrs. Eliza Doubleway, the soothsayer from Beck; and Dr. Birdie +Soames, the physiognomy lady from the Common. Immediately around these +celebrities were grouped a very pale gentleman in a short jacket, who +looked as if he made his money by eating nothing and drinking a great +deal, a plethoric female with a mundane face, in which was set a large +and delicately distracted grey eye; and a gentleman with a jowl, a pug +nose, and a large quantity of brass-coloured hair about as curly as +hay, which fell down over a low collar, round which was negligently +knotted a huge black tie. This trio comprised Mr. Bernard Wilkins, the +Prophet from the Rise; Madame Charlotte Humm, the crystal-gazer from +the Hill; and Professor Elijah Chapman, the nose-reader from the Butts. +No sooner was the news of the arrival of these great and notorious +people bruited abroad through the magnificent saloons of Zoological +House than Mrs. Bridgeman's guests began to flock around them from all +the four quarters of the mansion, deserting even the neighbourhood of +the guitars and the inviting seclusion of the various refreshment- +rooms. From all sides rose the hum of comment and the murmur of +speculation. Pince-nez were adjusted, eyeglasses screwed into eyes, +fingers pointed, feet elevated upon uneasy toes. Pretty girls boldly +trod upon the gowns of elderly matrons in the endeavour to draw near to +Mrs. Bridgeman and her group of celebrities; youths pushed and shoved; +chaperons elbowed, and old gentlemen darted from one place to another +in wild endeavours to find an inlet through the press. And amid this +frantic scramble of the curious, the famous members of the occult world +stood, calmly conscious of their value and in no wise upset or +discomposed. Verano stroked his Roman features, and ran his large white +hand through his curly fringe; Dr. Birdie Soames tapped her skull; Mrs. +Eliza Doubleway played with her bead bracelets; Mr. Bernard Wilkins and +Madame Charlotte Humm conversed together in dreamy murmurs; while +Professor Elijah Chapman shook his brass-coloured hair till it fell +forward over his variegated shirt-front, and glanced inquiringly at the +multitudes of anxious noses which offered themselves to his inspection +beneath the glare of the electric lights. + +Mr. and Madame Sagittarius, completely overlooked in the throng, +elbowed, trampled upon, jogged from behind and prodded from before, +gazed with a passion of bitter envy at their worshipped rivals, who +were set in the full blaze of success, while they languished in the +outer darkness of anonymous obscurity. + +"/O miseris hominum men/--don't set your feet on me, sir, if you +please!" cried Madame. "/O pectorae caec/--ma'am, I beg you to take +your elbow from my throat this minute!" + +But even her powerful and indignant organ was lost in the hubbub that +mingled with the wild music of the guitars, to which was now added the +tinkle of bells and the vehement click of a round dozen of castanets, +marking the bull-fighting rhythm of a new air called "The Espada's +Return to Madrid." + +"Jupiter!" she gurgled. "I shall be suff--" + +"Mr. Amos Towle!" roared the footman savagely. + +"The great medium from the Wick!" + +"Towle the seer!" + +"Amos Towle, the famous spiritualist!" + +"Mr. Towle who materialises!" + +"The celebrated Towle!" + +"The great and only Towle!" + +"Oh, is it /the/ Towle?" + +"I must see Towle!" + +"Where is he? Oh, where is Towle?" + +"Towle who communicates with the other world!" + +"Towle the magician!" + +"Towle the hypnotist!" + +"Towle the soothsayer!" + +"The magnetic Towle!" + +"The electric Towle!" + +"We must--we must see Towle!" + +Such were a very few of the exclamations that instantly burst forth +upon the conclusion of the footman's announcement. The elbowing and +trampling became more violent than ever, and Mrs. Bridgeman was +forced--from lack of room--to forego her society start, though she was +still able to indulge in her society smile, as she bowed, with almost +swooning graciousness, to a short, perspiring, bald and side-whiskered +man in greasy broadcloth, who looked as if he would have been quite at +home upon the box of a four-wheeled cab, as indeed he would, seeing +that he had driven a growler for five-and-twenty years before +discovering that he was the great and only Towle, medium, seer, and +worker-of-miracles-in-chief to the large and increasing crowd that +lives the silly life. + +"Oh, Mr. Towle--charmed, delighted!" cried Mrs. Bridgeman. "I was so +afraid--How sweet of you to come out all this way from your eyrie at +the Wick! You'll find many friends--dear Madame Charlotte--the +Professor--Mrs. Eliza--they're all here. And Miss Minerva, too! Your +greatest admirer and disciple!" + +At this moment the crowd, wild in its endeavour to touch the inspired +broadcloth of the great Towle, surged forward, and the Prophet was +driven like a ram against the left side of his hostess. + +"I beg--your--pard--" he gasped; "but could you tell--me--where Miss +Minerv--erva--is? I special--ly want to--to--" + +"I think she's with Eureka in tea-room number 1," replied Mrs. +Bridgeman. "Oh, dear! Near the band. Oh, dear! Oh, my gown! Oh! So +sweet of you to come, Mrs. Lorrimer! Just a few interesting people! Oh, +gracious mercy! Oh, for goodness' sake!" + +She was thrust against a new arrival, and the Prophet, bringing his +shoulders vigorously into play, according to the rules of Rugby +football, presently found himself out in the open and free to wander in +search of Miss Minerva, whom he was most anxious to encounter before +the arrival of Sir Tiglath Butt, which must now be imminent, despite +the marked disinclination of his horse to proceed at the rate of more +than half a mile an hour. + +The Prophet abandoned Mr. and Madame Sagittarius to their fate, +thankful, indeed, to be rid for a moment of their prophetic +importunity. + +Following the gasped directions of Mrs. Bridgeman, he made towards the +guitars, threading a number of drawing-rooms, and passing by the doors +of various mysterious chambers which were carefully curtained off in a +most secret manner. Here and there he saw groups of people--men in +extraordinary coats and with touzled masses of hair, women in gowns +made of the cheapest materials and cut in the most impossible fashions. +Some wore convolvulus on their heads, ivy-leaves, trailing fuchsia, or +sprigs of plants known only to suburban haberdashers; others appeared +boldly in caps of the pork-pie order, adorned with cherry-coloured +streamers, clumps of feathers that had never seen a bird, bunches of +shining fruits, or coins that looked as if they had just emerged from +the seclusion of the poor-box. Thread gloves abounded, and were mostly +in what saleswomen call "the loud shades"--bright scarlet, marigold +yellow, grass green or acute magenta. Mittens, too, were visible +covered with cabalistic inscriptions in glittering beadwork. Not a few +gentlewomen, like Madame, trod in elastic-sided boots, and one small +but intrepid lady carried herself boldly in a cotton skirt topped with +a tartan blouse "carried out" in vermilion and sulphur colour, over +which was carelessly adjusted a macintosh cape partially trimmed with +distressed-looking swansdown. Here and there might be seen some smart +London woman, perfectly dressed and glancing with amused amazement at +the new fashions about her; here and there a well set-up man, with +normal hair and a tie that would not have terrified Piccadilly. But for +the most part Mrs. Bridgeman's guests were not quite usual in +appearance, and, indeed, were such as the Prophet had never gazed upon +before. + +Presently the uproar of the guitars grew more stentorian upon his ear, +and, leaving on his left an astonishing chamber that contained from a +dozen to fifteen small round tables, with nothing whatever upon them, +the Prophet emerged into an inner hall where, in quite a grove of +shrubs hung with fairy lights, twenty young ladies, dressed from top to +toe in scarlet, and each wearing a large golden medal, were being as +Spanish as if they had not been paid for it, while twelve more whacked +castanets and shook bells with a frenzy that was worth an excellent +salary, the silly gentleman from Tooting the while blowing furiously +upon his flute, and combining this intemperate indulgence with an +occasional assault upon a cottage piano that stood immediately before +him, or a wave of the baton that asserted his right to the position of +/chef d'orchestre/. Immediately beyond this shrine of music the Prophet +perceived a Moorish nook containing a British buffet, and, in quite the +most Moorish corner of this nook, seated upon a divan that would have +been at home in Marakesh, he caught sight of Miss Minerva in company +with a thin, fatigued and wispy lady in a very long vermilion gown, and +an extremely small gentleman--apparently of the Hebrew persuasion--who +was smartly dressed, wore white gloves and a buttonhole, and indulged +in a great deal of florid gesticulation while talking with abnormal +vivacity. Miss Minerva, who was playing quietly with a lemon ice, +looked even more sensible than usual, the Prophet thought, in her +simple white frock. She seemed to be quite at home and perfectly happy +with her silly friends, but, as soon as she saw him hovering anxiously +to the left of the guitars, she beckoned to him eagerly, and he hurried +forward. + +"Oh, Mr. Vivian, I'm so glad you've come! Let me introduce you to my +great friend Eureka"--the lady in vermilion bowed absent-mindedly, and +rolled her huge brown eyes wearily at the Prophet--"and to Mr. Briskin +Moses." + +The little gentleman made a stage reverence and fluttered his small +hands airily. + +"Pretty sight, pretty sight!" he said in a quick and impudent voice. +"All these little dears enjoying themselves so innocently. Mother +Bridgeman's chickens, I call them. But it's impossible to count them, +even after they're hatched. Cheese it!" + +The final imperative was flung demurely at a mighty footman, who just +then tried to impound Mr. Moses's not quite finished brandy-and-soda. + +"Sir?" said the mighty footman. + +"Cheese it!" cried Mr. Moses, making a gesture of tragic repugnance in +the direction of the footman. + +The mighty footman cheesed it with dignity, and afterwards, in the +servants' hall, spoke very bitterly of Israel. + +The Prophet was extremely anxious to get a word alone with Miss +Minerva. Indeed, it was really important that he should warn her of Sir +Tiglath's approach, but he could find no opportunity of doing so, for +Mr. Moses, who was not afflicted with diffidence, rapidly continued, in +a slightly affected and tripping cockney voice,-- + +"Mother Bridgeman's a dear one! God bless her for a pretty soul! She'd +be sublime in musical comedy--the black satin society lady, you know, +who makes the aristocratic relief,-- + +" 'I'm a Dowager Duchess, and everyone knows +I'm a lady right down to the tip of my toes.' + +"Very valuable among the minxes; worth her weight in half-crowns! I'd +give her an engagement any day, pretty bird! Ever seen her driving in a +cab? She takes off her gloves and spreads her hands over the apron to +get the air. A canary! Anything for me to-night, Eureka? A dove, a +mongoose--anything lucky? Give us a chance, mother!" + +The lady in vermilion, who had a tuft of golden hair in the midst of +her otherwise raven locks, glanced mysteriously at Mr. Moses. + +"See anything, mother?" he asked, with theatrical solemnity. "A tiny +chunk of luck for tricky little Briskin?" + +"I do see something," said Eureka, in a dim and heavy voice. "It's just +close to you on that table by the brandy." + +Mr. Moses started, and cast a glance of awe at the tumbler. + +"My word," he cried--"my word, mother! What's the blessed little symbol +like? Not a pony fresh from Jerusalem for your believing boy!" + +"You must wait a moment. It is not clear," replied Eureka, slowly and +dreamily, fixing her heavy eyes on the brandy-and-soda. "It's all +cloudy." + +"Been imbibing, mother? Has the blessed little symbol been at it again? +Briskin's shock--shocked!" + +"It's getting clearer. It stands in a band of fire." + +"Shade of Shadrach! Apparition of Abednego! Draw it mild and bitter, +mother!" + +"Ah! now it steps out. It's got a hump." + +"Got the hump, mother? My word! then it must be either a camel or an +undischarged bankrupt! Which is it, pretty soul?" + +"It's a rhinoceros. It's moving to you." + +"Yokohama, mother! Tell the pretty bird to keep back! What's it mean?" + +"It's a sign of plenty." + +"Plenty of what, mother? The ready or the nose-bag? Give us a chance!" + +"Plenty of good fortune, because its head is towards you. If it had +presented its tail, it would mean black weather." + +"Don't let it turn tail, for Saturday's sake, mother. Keep its head +straight while I finish the brandy!" + +And so saying, little Mr. Moses, with elaborate furtiveness, caught up +the tumbler, poured its contents down his throat, and threw himself +back on the divan with the air of a man who had just escaped from peril +by the consummate personal exercise of unparalleled and sustained +ingenuity. + +During this scene Miss Minerva had preserved her air of pronounced +Scottish good sense, while listening attentively, and she now said to +Eureka,-- + +"D'you see anything for Mr. Vivian, dear Eureka? Even the littlest +thing would be welcomed." + +Eureka stared upon the Prophet, who began to feel very nervous. + +"There's something round his head," she remarked, with her usual almost +sacred earnestness. + +The Prophet mechanically put up his hands, like a man anxious to +interfere with the assiduous attentions of a swarm of bees. + +"Something right round his head." + +"Is it a halo?" asked Miss Minerva. + +"Is it a Lincoln & Bennet, mother?" cried Mr. Moses. "One of the shiny +ones--twenty-one bob, and twenty-five-and-six if you want a kid +lining?" + +"No; it's like some sort of bird." + +" 'I heard the owl beneath my eaves complaining,' " chirped Mr. Moses, +taking two or three high notes in a delicate tenor voice. " 'I looked +forth--great Scot! How it was raining!' Is it an owl, mother? Ask it to +screech to Briskin." + +"It is no owl," said Eureka to the Prophet. "It is a sparrow--your +bird." + +"Is it upon the housetop, mother, having a spree all on its little +alone?" + +"No; it is hovering over the gentleman." + +"What does that mean?" said the Prophet, anxiously. + +But at this point Eureka suddenly seemed to lose interest in the +matter. "Oh, you're all right," she said carelessly. "I'm tired. I +should like a wafer." + +"Mother's peckish. Mother, I see an ostrich by your left elbow. That's +a sign that you're so peckish you could swallow anything. Waiter!" + +"Sir!" + +"This lady's so peckish she could eat anything. Bring her some tin- +tacks and a wafer. Stop a sec. Another brandy for Briskin. Your +calves'd do for the front row; 'pon my word, they would. Trot, boy, +trot!" + +"I must speak to you alone for one moment," whispered the Prophet to +Miss Minerva, under cover of the quips of Mr. Moses. "Sir Tiglath's +coming!" + +Miss Minerva started. + +"Sir Tig--" she exclaimed and put her finger to her lips just in time +to stop the "lath" from coming out. "Mr. Moses, I'm going to the buffet +for a moment with Mr. Vivian. Eureka, darling, do eat something +substantial! All this second sight takes it out of you." + +Eureka acquiesced with a heavy sigh, Mr. Moses cried, "Aunt Eureka's so +hungry that one would declare she could even eat oats if she found they +were there!" and Miss Minerva and the Prophet moved languidly towards +the buffet, endeavouring, by the indifference of their movements, to +cover the agitation in their hearts. + +"Sir Tiglath coming here!" cried Miss Minerva under her breath, as soon +as they were out of earshot. "But he doesn't know Mrs. Bridgeman!" + +"I know--but he's coming. And not only that, Mr. and Madame Sagittarius +are here already!" + +Miss Minerva looked closely at the Prophet in silence for a moment. +Then she said,-- + +"I see--I see!" + +"What?" cried the Prophet, in great anxiety, "not the sparrow on my +head?" + +"No. But I see that you're taking to your double life in real earnest." + +"I?" + +"Yes. Now, Mr. Vivian, that's all very well, and you know I'm the last +person to complain of anything of that sort, so long as it doesn't get +me into difficulties." + +"Think of the difficulties you and everyone else have got me into," +ejaculated the poor Prophet, for once in his life stepping, perhaps, a +hair's-breadth from the paths of good breeding. + +"Well, I'm sure I've done nothing." + +"Nothing!" said the Prophet, losing his head under the influence of the +guitars, which were now getting under way in a fantasia on "Carmen." +"Nothing! Why, you made me come here, you insisted on my introducing +Mr. Sagittarius to Mrs. Bridgeman, you told Sir Tiglath Mrs. Bridgeman +and I were old friends and had made investigations together, assisted +by Mr. Sagittarius, you--" + +"Oh, well, that's nothing. But Sir Tiglath mustn't see me here as Miss +Minerva. Has he arrived yet?" + +"I don't think so. He's got the cab we had yesterday and the horse." + +"The one that tumbles down so cleverly when it's not too tired? +Capital! Run to the cloak-room, meet Sir Tiglath there, and persuade +him to go home." + +But here the Prophet struck. + +"I regret I can't," he said, almost firmly. + +"But you must." + +"I regret sincerely that I am unable." + +"Why? Mr. Vivian, when a lady asks you!" + +"I am grieved," said the Prophet, with a species of intoxicated +obstinacy--the guitars seemed to be playing inside his brain and the +flute piping in the small of his back,--"to decline, but I cannot +contend physically with Sir Tiglath, a man whom I reverence, in the +cloak-room of a total stranger." + +"I don't ask you to contend physically." + +"Nothing but personal violence would keep Sir Tiglath from coming in." + +"Really! Then what's to be done?" + +She pursed up her sensible lips and drew down her sensible eyebrows. + +"I know!" she cried, after a moment's thought. "I'll masquerade +to-night as myself." + +"As yourself?" + +"Yes. All these dear silly people here think that I've got an astral +body." + +"What's that?" + +"A sort of floating business--a business that you can set floating." + +"What--a company?" + +"No, no. A replica of yourself. The great Towle--" + +"He's here to-night." + +"I knew he was coming. Well, the great Towle detached this astral body +once at a séance and, for a joke--a silly joke, you know--" + +"Yes, yes." + +"I christened it by my real name, Lady Enid Thistle, and said Lady Enid +was an ancestress of mine." + +"Why did you?" + +"Because it was so idiotic." + +"I see." + +"Well, I've only now to spread a report among these dear creatures that +I'm astral to-night, and get Towle to back me up, and I can easily be +Lady Enid for an hour or two. In this crowd Sir Tiglath need never find +out that I'm generally known in these circles as Miss Partridge." + +"Do you really think--" + +"Yes, I do. But I must find Towle at once." + +So saying she hastened away from the buffet, followed by the trotting +Prophet. As she passed Eureka and Mr. Moses, she said,-- + +"Eureka, darling, do I look odd? I suddenly began to feel astral just +as I was going to eat a sandwich. I can't help thinking that Lady Enid +--you know, my astral ancestress, who's always with me--is peculiarly +powerful to-night. D'you notice anything?" + +"Watch out for it, mother!" cried Mr. Moses. "See if it's got the +lump." + +Eureka fixed her heavy eyes on Miss Minerva and swayed her thin body to +and fro in as panther-like a manner as she could manage. + +"Mother's after it," continued Mr. Moses, twitching his left ear with +his thumb in a Hebraic manner and shooting his shining cuffs; "mother's +on the trail. Doves for a bishop and the little mangel-wurzel for the +labouring man. Clever mother! She'll take care it's suitable. Is it a +haggis, mother, hovering over the lady with outspread wings?" + +Eureka closed her eyes and rocked herself more violently. + +"I see you," she said in a deep voice. "You are astral. You are Lady +Enid emerged for an hour from our dear Minerva." + +"I thought so," cried Lady Enid, with decision. "I thought so, because +when someone called me Miss Minerva just now I felt angry, and didn't +seem to know what they meant. Tell them, dear Eureka,--tell all my +friends of your discovery." + +And she hastened on with the Prophet in search of the great Towle. + +"I'll get him to back Eureka up, and then it will be quite safe," she +said. "Ah! there he is with Harriet Browne, the demonstrator from the +Rye." + +Indeed, at this moment a small crowd was visible in one of the further +drawing-rooms, moving obsequiously along in reverent attendance upon +the great Towle, Mrs. Bridgeman and a thickset, red-faced lady, without +a waist and plainly clad in untrimmed linsey-wolsey, who was speaking +authoritatively to a hysterical-looking young girl, upon whose narrow +shoulder she rested a heavy, fat-fingered hand as she walked. + +"Harriet's evidently going to demonstrate," added Lady Enid. "That's +lucky, because then I can get a quiet word with Towle." + +"Demonstrate?" said the Prophet. + +"Yes. She's the great Christian Scientist and has the healing power. +She demonstrated over Agatha Marshall's left ear. You know. The case +got into the papers. Ah, Harriet, darling!" + +"My blessing! My Minerva!" said Harriet in a thick and guttural voice. + +"Lady Enid, Harriet love, to-night. Eureka says I'm astral. Oh, Mr. +Towle, what an honour to meet you--what an honour for us all!" + +The great Towle ducked and scraped in cabman fashion. + +"Oh, will you materialise for us to-night?" + +"Yes, yes," cried Mrs. Bridgeman, trembling with excitement. "He's +promised to after supper. He says he feels less material then--more /en +rapport/ with the dear spirits." + +"How delightful! Mr. Towle, tell me, do you agree with Eureka? I await +your fiat. Am I astral?" + +"Ay, miss, as like as not," said the great man, twisting his lips as if +they held a straw between them. "Astral, that's it. That's it to a T." + +"Then I'm Lady Enid Thistle, my ancestress, who's always with me?" + +"Ay, ay! Every bit of her. Her ladyship to a T." + +The company was much impressed, and whispers of "It's Lady Enid; Eureka +and Mr. Towle say it's her ladyship in the astral plane!" flew like +wildfire through the rooms. + +At this point Harriet Browne, who was sufficiently Christian and +scientific to like to have all the attention of the company centred +upon her, cleared her throat loudly and exclaimed,-- + +"If I am to heal this poor sufferer, I must be provided with an +armchair." + +"An armchair for Mrs. Browne!" + +"Fetch a chair for Harriet!" + +"Mrs. Harriet can't demonstrate without a chair!" + +"What is she going to do?" whispered the Prophet to Lady Enid, feeling +thoroughly ashamed of his ignorance. + +"Demonstrate." + +"Yes, but what's that?" + +"Put her hands over that girl and think about her." + +"Is that all?" + +"Yes." + +"Does she do it out of kindness?" + +"Of course. But she's paid something, not because she wants to be paid, +but because it's the rule." + +"Oh!" + +An armchair was now wheeled forward, and Mrs. Harriet ensconced herself +in it comfortably. + +"I'm very tired to-night," she remarked in her thick voice. "I've had a +hard afternoon." + +"Poor darling!" cried Mrs. Bridgeman. "Fetch a glass of champagne for +Mrs. Harriet somebody. Oh, would you, Mr. Brummich?" + +Mr. Brummich, a gentleman with a remarkably foolish, ascetic face and a +feebly-wandering sandy beard, was just about to hasten religiously +towards the Moorish nook when the great Towle happened, by accident, to +groan. Mrs. Bridgeman, started and smiled. + +"Oh, and a glass of champagne for Mr. Towle, too, dear Mr. Brummich!" + +"Certainly, Mrs. Bridgeman!" said dear Mr. Brummich, hurrying off with +the demeanour of the head of an Embassy entrusted with some important +mission to a foreign Court. + +"Were you at work this afternoon, Harriet, beloved?" inquired Mrs. +Bridgeman of Mrs. Browne, who was leaning back in the armchair with her +eyes closed and in an attitude of severe prostration. + +"Yes." + +"Which was it, lovebird? Hysteric Henry?" + +"No, he's cured." + +Cries of joy resounded from those gathered about the chair. + +"Hysteric Henry's cured!" + +"Henry's better!" + +"The poor man with the ball in his throat's been saved!" + +"How wonderful you are, Harriet, sweet!" cried Mrs. Bridgeman. "But, +then which was it?" + +"The madwoman at Brussels. I've been thinking about her for two hours +this afternoon, with only a cup of tea between." + +"Poor darling! No wonder you're done up! Ought you to demonstrate? Ah! +here's the champagne!" + +"I take it merely as medicine," said Mrs. Harriet. + +At this moment, Mr. Brummich, flushed with assiduity, burst into the +circle with a goblet of beaded wine in either hand. There was a moment +of solemn silence while Mrs. Harriet and the great Towle condescended +to the Pommery. It was broken only by a loud gulp from the hysterical- +looking girl who was, it seemed, nervously affected by an imitative +spasm, and who suddenly began to swallow nothing with extreme +persistence and violence. + +"Look at that poor misguided soul!" ejaculated Mrs. Harriet, with her +lips to the Pommery. "She fancies she's drinking!" + +The poor, misguided soul, yielded again to her distraught imagination, +amid the pitiful ejaculations of the entire company, with the exception +of one mundane, young man who, suddenly assailed by the wild fancy that +he wasn't drinking, crept furtively to the Moorish rook, and was no +more seen. + +"Give her a cushion!" continued Mrs. Harriet, authoritatively. + +"Mr. Brummich!" said Mrs. Bridgeman. + +Mr. Brummich ran, and returned with a cushion. + +"Sit down, poor thing! Sit at my feet!" said Mrs. Harriet, giving the +hysterical-looking girl a healing push. + +The girl subsided in a piteous heap, and Mrs. Harriet, who had by this +time taken all her medicine, leant over her and inquired,-- + +"Where d'you feel it?" + +The girl put her hands to her head. + +"Here," she said feebly. "It's like fire running over me and drums +beating." + +"Fire and drums!" announced Mrs. Harriet to the staring assembly. +"That's what she's got, poor soul!" + +Ejaculations of sympathy and horror made themselves heard. + +"Drums! How shocking!" cried Mrs. Bridgeman. "Can you cure even drums, +Harriet, my own?" + +"Give me ten minutes, Catherine! I ask but that!" + +And, so saying, Mrs. Harriet planted her fat hands upon the head of the +young patient, closed her eyes and began to breathe very hard. + +Silence now fell upon the people, who said not a word, but who could +not prevent themselves from rustling as they pressed about this +exhibition of a latter-day apostle. The Prophet and Lady Enid were +close to the armchair, and the Prophet, who had never before been +present at any such ceremony--it was accompanied by the twenty guitars, +now tearing out the serenade, "From the bull-ring I come to thee!"--was +so interested that he completely forgot Mr. and Madame Sagittarius, and +lost for the moment all memory of Sir Tiglath. The silly life engrossed +him. He had no eyes for anyone but Mrs. Harriet, who, as she leaned +forward in the chair with closed eyes, looked like a determined middle- +aged man about to offer up the thin girl on the footstool as a burnt +sacrifice. + +"You're better now, poor thing," said Mrs. Harriet, after five minutes +has elapsed. "You're feeling much better?" + +"Oh, no, I'm not!" said the girl, shaking her head under the hands of +the demonstrator. "The fire's blazing and the drums are beating like +anything." + +Mrs. Harriet's hue deepened, and there was a faint murmur of vague +reproof from the company. + +"H'sh!" said the demonstrator, closing her hands upon the patient's +head with some acrimony. "H'sh!" + +And she began to breathe hard once more. Another five minutes elapsed, +and then Mrs. Harriet exclaimed with decision,-- + +"There! It's gone now, all gone! I've sent it right away. The fire's +out and the drums have stopped beating!" + +Exclamations of wonder and joy rose up from the spectators. They were, +however, a trifle premature, for the hysterical girl--who was, it +seemed, a person of considerable determination, despite her feeble +appearance--replied from the footstool,-- + +"No, it isn't. No they haven't!" + +Mrs. Harriet developed a purple shade. + +"Nonsense!" she said. "You're cured, love, entirely cured!" + +"I'm not," said the girl, beginning to cry. "I feel much worse since +you pressed my head." + +There was a burst of remonstrance from the crowd, and Mrs. Harriet, +speaking with the air of an angry martyr, remarked,-- + +"It's just like the drinking--she fancies she isn't cured when she is, +just the same as she fancied she was drinking when she wasn't." + +This unanswerable logic naturally carried conviction to everyone +present, and the hysterical girl was warmly advised to make due +acknowledgement of the benefits received by her at the healing hands of +Mrs. Harriet, while the latter was covered with compliments and +assiduously conducted towards the buffet, escorted by the great Towle. + +"Isn't she wonderful?" said Mrs. Bridgeman, turning ecstatically to the +person nearest to her, who happened to be the saturnine little +clergyman. "Isn't she marvellous, Mr.--er--Mr. Segerteribus?" + +"Biggle!" cried the little clergyman. + +"I beg your pardon?" + +"Biggle!" vociferated the little clergyman. "Biggle!" + +"Certainly. Did you ever see anything like that cure? Ah! you ought to +preach about dear Harriet, Mr. Segerteribus, you really--" + +"Biggle!" reiterated the little clergyman, excitedly. "Biggle! Biggle!" + +"What does he--" began Mrs. Bridgeman, turning helplessly towards the +Prophet. + +"It's his name, I fancy," whispered the Prophet. + +Mrs. Bridgeman started and smiled. + +"Mr. Biggle," she said. + +The little clergyman moved on towards the guitars with all the air of a +future colonial bishop. Mrs. Bridgeman, who seemed to be somewhat +confused, and whose manner grew increasingly vague as the evening wore +on, now said to those nearest to her,-- + +"There are fifteen tables set out--yes, set out,--in the green +boudoir." + +"Bedad!" remarked an Irish colonel, "then it's meself'll enjoy a good +rubber." + +"For table-turning," added Mrs. Bridgeman. "Materialisation in the same +room after supper. Mr. Towle--yes--will enter the cabinet at about +eleven. Where's Madame Charlotte?" + +"Looking into the crystal for Lady Ferrier," said someone. + +"Oh, and the professor?" + +"He's reading Archdeacon Andrew's nose, by the cloak-room. + +Mrs. Bridgeman sighed. + +"It seems to be going off quite pleasantly," she said vaguely to the +Prophet. "I think--perhaps--might I have a cup of tea?" + +The Prophet offered his arm. Mrs. Bridgeman took it. They walked +forward, and almost instantly came upon Sir Tiglath Butt, who, with a +face even redder than usual, was rolling away from the hall of the +guitars, holding one enormous hand to his ear and snorting indignantly +at the various clairvoyants, card-readers, spiritualists and palmists +whom he encountered at every step he took. The Prophet turned pale, and +Lady Enid, who was just behind him, put on her most sensible expression +and moved quickly forward. + +"Ah, Sir Tiglath!" she said. "How delightful of you to come! Catherine, +dear, let me introduce Sir Tiglath Butt to you. Sir Tiglath Butt--Mrs. +Vane Bridgeman." + +Mrs. Bridgeman behaved as usual. + +"So glad!" she said. "So enchanted! Just a few interesting people. So +good of you to come. Table-turning is--" + +At this moment Lady Enid nipped her friend's arm, and Sir Tiglath +exclaimed, looking from Mrs. Bridgeman to the Prophet,-- + +"What, madam? So you're the brain and eye, eh? Is that it?" + +The guitars engaged in "The Gipsies of Granada are wild as mountain +birds," and Mrs. Bridgeman looked engagingly distraught, and replied,-- + +"Ah, yes, indeed! The brain and I, Sir Tiglath; so good of you to say +so!" + +"You prompted his interest in the holy stars?" continued Sir Tiglath, +speaking very loud, and still stopping one ear with his hand. "You +drove him to the telescope; you told him to clear the matter up, did +you?" + +"What matter?" said Mrs. Bridgeman, trying not to look as stupid as she +felt, but only with moderate success. + +"Say the oxygen, darling," whispered Lady Enid in one of her ears. + +"Say the oxygen!" hissed the Prophet into the other. + +"The occiput?" said Mrs. Bridgeman, hearing imperfectly. "Oh, yes, Sir +Tiglath, I told him,--I told Mr. Biggle--to make quite sure--yes, as to +the occiput matter." + +The saturnine little clergyman, who was again in motion near by, caught +his name and stopped, as Sir Tiglath, roaring against "The Gipsies of +Granada," continued,-- + +"And your original adviser was Mr. Sagittarius, was he?" + +On hearing a word she understood, Mrs. Bridgeman brightened up, and, +perceiving the little clergyman, she answered,-- + +"Mr. Sagittarius--ah, yes! Sir Tiglath is speaking of you, Mr. +Sagittarius." + +The little clergyman turned almost black in the face. + +"Biggle!" he exclaimed, in a voice of thunder. "Biggle! Biggle!" + +And, without further parley, he rushed to the cloak-room, seized +someone else's hat and coat, and fared forth into the night. Lady Enid, +who had meant to coach Mrs. Bridgeman very carefully for the meeting +with Sir Tiglath, but whose plans were completely upset by the +astronomer's premature advent, now endeavoured to interpose. + +"By the way," she said, in a very calm voice, where is dear Mr. +Sagittarius? I haven't seen him yet." + +"I'm afraid he's angry with me," said Mrs. Bridgeman, alluding to the +little clergyman. "I really can't think why." + +"Sir Tiglath," said Lady Enid, boldly taking the astronomer's arm. +"Come with me. I want you to find Mr. Sagittarius for me. Yes, they do +make rather a noise!" + +This was in allusion to the guitars, for the astronomer had now placed +both hands over his ears in the vain endeavour to exclude "The +Gipsies." Deafness, perhaps, rendered him yielding. In any case, he +permitted Lady Enid to detach him from Mrs. Bridgeman and to lead him +through the rooms in search of Mr. Sagittarius. + +"Perhaps he's here," said Lady Enid, entering a darkened chamber. "Oh, +no!" + +And she hastily moved away, perceiving a large number of devoted +adherents of table-tapping busily engaged, with outspread fingers and +solemn faces, at their intellectual pursuit. Avoiding the archdeacon, +who was now having his nose read by the professor, she conducted the +astronomer, rendered strangely meek by the guitars, into a drawing-room +near the hall, in which only four people remained--Verano and Mrs. +Eliza Doubleway, who were conferring in one corner, and Mr. and Madame +Sagittarius, who were apparently having rather more than a few words +together in another. + +"Ah! there's Mr. Sagittarius!" said Lady Enid. + +"Minnie!" cried Mrs. Eliza, beckoning to Lady Enid. "Minnie, ducky!" + +Lady Enid pretended not to hear and tried to hasten with the astronomer +towards the Sagittariuses. But Mrs. Eliza was not to be put off. + +"Minnie, my pet!" she piped. "Come here, Minnie!" + +Lady Enid was obliged to pause. + +"What is it, dear Eliza?" she asked, at the same time making a face at +the soothsayer to indicate caution. + +Mrs. Eliza and Verano rose and approached Lady Enid and the astronomer. + +"I was laying the cards last night at Jane Seaman's--you know, dear, +the Angel Gabriel who lives on the Hackney Downs--and whatever do you +think? The hace of spades came up three times in conjugation with the +Knave of 'earts!" + +"Terrific! Very great!" buzzed Verano, with a strong South American +Irish brogue--a real broth of a brogue. + +"Wonderful!" said Lady Enid, hastily, endeavouring to pass on. + +"Wait a minute, darling. Well, I says to Jane--I was laying the cards +for her 'usband, dear--I says to Jane, I says, without doubt Hisaac is +about to pass over, I says, seeing the red boy's come up in conjugation +with the hace. 'Lord! Mrs. Eliza! Lay them out again,' she says, 'for,' +she says, 'if Hike is going to pass over,' she says--" + +"Extraordinary, dear Mrs. Eliza! You're a genius!" cried Lady Enid in +despair. + +"Tremendous! Very big!" buzzed Verano, staring at Sir Tiglath. "You got +a very spatulate hand there, sir! Allow me!" + +And to Lady Enid's horror he seized the astronomer's hand with both his +own. + +"How dare you tamper with the old astronomer, sir?" roared Sir Tiglath. +"Am I in a madhouse? Who are all these crazy Janes! Drop my hand, sir!" + +Verano obeyed rather hastily, and Lady Enid convoyed the spluttering +astronomer towards the corner which contained Mr. and Madame +Sagittarius. + +Now these worthies were in a mental condition of a most complicated +kind. The reception at Zoological House had upset in an hour the +theories and beliefs of a lifetime. Hitherto Madame had always been +filled with shame at the thought that she was not the wife of an +architect but of a prophet, and Mr. Sagittarius had endeavoured to +assume the mein and costume of an outside broker, and had dreamed +dreams of retiring eventually from a hated and despised profession. But +now they found themselves in a magnificent mansion in which the second- +rate members of their own tribe were worshipped and adored, smothered +with attentions, plied with Pommery and looked upon as gods, while +they, in their incognito, were neglected, and paid no more heed to than +if they had been, in reality, mere architects and outside brokers, +totally unconnected with that mysterious occult world which is the +fashion of the moment. + +This position of affairs had, not unnaturally, thrown then into a +condition of the gravest excitement. Madame, more especially, had +reached boiling point. Feeling herself, for the first time, an Imperial +creature in exile, who had only to declare herself to receive instant +homage and to be overwhelmed with the most flattering attentions, her +lust of glory developed with alarming rapidity, and she urged her +husband to cast the traditions that had hitherto guided him to the +winds and to declare forthwith his identity with Malkiel the Second, +the business-like and as it were official head of the whole prophetic +tribe. + +Mr. Sagittarius, for his part, was also fired with the longing for +instant glory, but he was by nature an extremely timid--or shall we say +rather, an extremely prudent--man. He remembered the repeated +injunctions of his great forebear who had lived and died in the Susan +Road beside the gasworks. More, he remembered Sir Tiglath Butt. He was +torn between ambition and terror. + +"Declare yourself, Jupiter!" cried Madame. "Declare yourself this +moment!" + +"My love!" replied Mr. Sagittarius. "My angel, we must reflect." + +"I have reflected," retorted Madame. + +"There are difficulties, my dear, many difficulties in the way." + +"And what if there are? /Per augustum ad augustibus/. Every fool knows +that." + +"My dear, you are a little hard upon me." + +"And what have you been upon me, I should like to know? What about +those goings-on with the woman Bridgeman? What about your +investigations with that hussy Minerva? You've been her owl, that's +what you've been!" + +She began to show grave symptoms of hysteria. Mr. Sagittarius patted +her hands in great anxiety. + +"My love, I have told you, I have sworn--" + +"And what man doesn't swear whenever he gets the chance?" cried Madame. +"Why did I ever marry? /Heu miserum me/." + +"My angel, be calm. I assure you--" + +"Very well then, declare yourself, Jupiter, this minute, or I'll +declare yourself for you!" + +"But, my love, think of Sir Tiglath! I dare not declare myself. He will +be here at any moment, and he has sworn to kill me, if I'm not an +American syndicate!" + +"Rubbish!" + +"But, my--" + +"Rubbish! That's only what Mr. Vivian says." + +"Well, but--" + +"Besides, you can put on your /toga virilibus/ and knock him down. It's +no use talking to me, Jupiter." + +"I know it isn't, my darling, I know. But--" + +"If you don't declare yourself I shall declare yourself for you this +very moment. I will not endure to be left in the corner while all these +nobodies are being truckled to. Bernard Wilkins, indeed! A prophet we +wouldn't so much as recognise to be a prophet, and that there Mrs. +Eliza--people from the Wick going down to supper in front of us, and a +man from the Butts put before you! It's right down disgusting, and I +won't have it." + +It was exactly at this point in the matrimonial conference that Lady +Enid and Sir Tiglath Butt, shaking themselves free of Mrs. Eliza and +Verano, bore down upon Mr. and Madame Sagittarius, who were so busily +engaged in disputation that they did not perceive that anyone was near +until Lady Enid touched Mr. Sagittarius upon the arm. + +That gentleman started violently and, on perceiving Sir Tiglath Butt, +who was positively sputtering with wrath at the palmistic attentions +paid to him by Verano, shrank against his wife, who pushed him +vigorously from her, and, getting upon her feet, announced in a loud +voice,-- + +"Very well, Jupiter, since you won't declare yourself I shall go at +once to the woman Bridgeman and declare yourself for you!" + +And with this remark she scowled at Lady Enid and walked majestically +away, tossing her head vehemently at Mrs. Eliza and Verano as she swept +into the adjoining drawing-room. + +"Dear me," said Lady Enid, with great curiosity. "Dear me, Mr. +Sagittarius, is your wife going to make a declaration? This is most +interesting!" + +And, moved by her besetting idiosyncrasy, she added to the astronomer, +"Excuse me, Sir Tiglath, "I'll be back in one moment!" and glided +swiftly away in the wake of Madame, leaving Mr. Sagittarius and his +deadliest foe /tete-a-tete/. + +"Is this a madhouse, sir?" cried Sir Tiglath, on being thus abandoned. +"The old astronomer demands to know at once if one is, or is not, in a +vast madhouse?" + +"I don't know, sir, indeed," replied Mr. Sagittarius. "I should not +like to express an opinion on the point. If you will excu--" + +"Sir, the old astronomer will not excuse you," roared Sir Tiglath, +forcibly preventing Mr. Sagittarius, who was pale as ashes, from +escaping into the farther room. "He will not be run away from by +everybody in this manner." + +"I beg pardon, sir, I had no intention of running away," said Mr. +Sagittarius, making one last despairing effort to assume his /toga +virilibus/. + +"Then why did you do it, sir? Tell the old astronomer that!" cried Sir +Tiglath, seizing him by the arm. "And tell him, moreover, what you and +the old female Bridgeman have been about together?" + +"Nothing, sir; I swear that Mrs. Bridgeman and myself have never--" + +"Never made investigations into the possibility of there being oxygen +in many of the holy stars? Do you affirm that, sir?" + +"I do!" cried Mr. Sagittarius. "I am an outside broker." + +"Do you affirm that you are no astronomer, sir? Do you declare that you +are not a man of science?" + +"I do! I do!" + +"Not an astronomer of remarkable attainments, but very modest and +retiring withal? Oh-h-h!" + +"Modest and retiring, sir?" cried Mr. Sagittarius, suddenly illumined +by a ray of hope. "That's just it! I am a modest and retiring outside +broker, sir." + +And he violently endeavoured to prove the truth of the words by +escaping forthwith into obscurity. + +"There never was a modest and retiring outside broker!" bellowed Sir +Tiglath. "There never was, and there never will be. The old--" + +"What's that?" interrupted Mr. Sagittarius. "Whatever's that?" + +For at this moment an extraordinary hum of voices made itself audible +above the fifty guitars, and a noise of many feet trampling eagerly +upon Mrs. Bridgeman's parquet grew louder and louder in the brilliant +rooms. Attracted by the uproar, Sir Tiglath paused for a moment, still +keeping his hand upon the lapel of Mr. Ferdinand's coat, however. The +noise increased. It was evident that a multitude of people was rapidly +approaching. Words uttered by the moving guests, exclamations, and +ejaculations of excitement now detached themselves from the general +murmur. + +"The Prophet from the Mouse!" + +"The great Malkiel here!" + +"The founder of the almanac!" + +"The greatest Prophet of the age!" + +"Malkiel the Second from the Mouse!" + +"Where is Malkiel?" + +"We must find Malkiel!" + +"We must see Malkiel!" + +"Is it really Malkiel?" + +"Oh, is it /the/ Malkiel? Where--where is Malkiel?" + +Such cries as these broke upon the ears of the astronomer and Mr. +Sagittarius. + +Sir Tiglath grew purple. + +"Malkiel who has insulted the holy stars here!" he roared, letting go +of Mr. Sagittarius. "Where--where is he?" + +"In there, sir, I verily believe!" cried Mr. Sagittarius, pointing in +the direction of the crowd with a hand that shook like all the leaves +in Vallombrosa. + +"Let me find him!" shouted the astronomer. "Let me only discover him! +I'll break every bone in his accursed body." + +And with this rather bald statement he rolled out of the room in one +direction, while Mr. Sagittarius, without more ado, cast aside his +/toga virilibus/ and darted out of it into another, just as Madame +escorted by Mrs. Bridgeman, Lady Enid, the great Towle and the whole of +the company assembled at Zoological House, appeared majestically--and +proceeding as an Empress--in the aperture of the main doorway. + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +MRS. MERILLIA HEATS THE POKER + +When Mr. Sagittarius, running at his fullest speed, emerged from +Zoological House, wearing the hat and coat that the saturnine little +clergyman had left behind him, the night was damp and gusty. As he +hastened down the drive, and the sound of twenty guitars, playing "Oh +would I were a Spaniard among you lemon groves!" died away in the +lighted mansion behind him, he heard the roaring of the beasts in the +gardens close by. In the wet darkness it sounded peculiarly terrific. +He shuddered, and, holding up Mr. Ferdinand's trousers with both hands, +hurried onward through the mire, whither he knew not. His only thought +was that all was now discovered and that his life was in danger. A +woman's vanity had wrecked his future. He must hide somewhere for the +night, and get away in the morning, perhaps on board some tramp steamer +bound for Buenos Ayres, or on a junk weighing anchor for Hayti or Java, +or some other distant place. Vague memories of books he had read when a +boy came back to him as he ran through the unkempt wilds of the +Regent's Park. He saw himself a stowaway hidden in a hold, alone with +rats and ships' biscuits. He saw himself working his way out before the +mast, sent aloft in hurricanes on pitch-black nights, or turning the +wheel the wrong way round and bringing the ship to wreck upon iron- +bound coasts swarming with sharks and savages. The lions roared again, +and the black panthers snarled behind their prison bars. He thought of +the peaceful waters of the river Mouse, of the library of Madame, of +the happy little circle of architects and their wives, of all that he +must leave. + +What wonder if he dropped a tear into the muddy road? What wonder if a +sob rent the bosom of Mr. Ferdinand's now disordered shirt front? On +and on Mr. Sagittarius--or Malkiel the Second, as he may from +henceforth be called--went blindly, on and on till the Park was left +behind, till crescents gave way to squares, and squares to streets. He +passed an occasional policeman and slunk away from the penetrating +bull's-eye. He heard now and then the far-off rattle of a cab, the +shrill cry of a whistle, the howl of a butler summoning a vehicle, the +coo of a cook bidding good-night to the young tradesman whom she loved +before the area gate. And all these familiar London sounds struck +strangely on his ear. When would he hear them again? Perhaps never. He +stumbled on blinded with emotion. + +Dogs, we know are guided by a strange instinct to find their homes even +by unfamiliar paths. Pigeons will fly across wide spaces and drop down +to the wicker cage that awaits them. And it would appear that prophets +are not without a certain faculty that may be called topographical. For +how else can the following fact be explained? Malkiel the Second, after +apparently endless wandering, found himself totally unable to proceed +further. His legs gave way beneath him. His breath failed. His brain +swam. He reeled, stretched forth his hands and clutched at the nearest +support. This chanced to be a railing, wet, slimy, cold. He grasped it, +leaned against it, and for a few moments remained where he was in a +sort of trance. Then, gradually, full consciousness returned. He +glanced up and beheld the black garden of a square. Somehow it looked +familiar. He seemed to know those shadowy, leafless trees, the roadway +between him and them, even the pavement upon which his boots--his own +boots--were set. His lack-lustre eyes travelled to the houses that +bordered the square, then to the house against whose area railings he +was leaning, and he started with amazement. For he was in Berkeley +Square, leaning against the railing of number one thousand. He gazed up +at the windows. One or two faint lights twinkled. Then perhaps the +household had not yet retired for the night. An idea seized him. He +must rest. He must snatch a brief interval of repose, before starting +for the docks at dawn to find a ship in whose hold he could seek +seclusion, till the great seas roared round her, and he could declare +himself to the captain and crew without fear of being put ashore. Why +not rest here in number one thousand? True, the Prophet would presently +be returning possibly with Madame, but he would bribe Mr. Ferdinand not +to mention his whereabouts. It was no doubt a very rash proceeding, but +he was utterly exhausted, he felt that he could go no further, he found +himself before an almost friendly door. What wonder then if he tottered +up the steps and tapped feebly upon it? There was no answer. He tapped +again more loudly. This time his summons was heard. Steps approached. +There was a moment's pause. Then the door opened, and Gustavus appeared +looking rather sleepy, but still decidedly intellectual. Malkiel the +Second pulled himself together and faced the footman boldly. + +"You know me?" he said. + +Gustavus examined him closely. + +"Yes, sir," he replied at length. "By the clothes. I should know Mr. +Ferdinand's trouserings among a thousand." + +Malkiel the Second realised that emotion probably rendered his face +unrecognisable. But at least his legs spoke for him. That was +something, and he continued, with an attempt at ease and boldness,-- + +"Right! I have returned to change them." + +"Yes, sir. Mr. Ferdinand has retired to bed, sir." + +"Don't wake him. I can just leave them for him." + +"Very well, sir." + +And Gustavus admitted Malkiel to the dimly-lit hall and shut the door +softly. + +"What is your name, young man?" said Malkiel, whispering. + +"Gustavus, sir." + +"Ah! Gustavus, would you like to earn a hundred pounds to-night?" + +Gustavus started. + +"I don't say as how I'd rather not, sir," he replied. "I don't go so +far as to say that." + +"Right! Do as I tell you and you will earn a hundred pounds." + +The footman's eyes began to glow, almost like a cat's in the twilight. + +"Why, I could buy the library near twelve times over," he murmured. + +"The library?" said Malkiel, whose brain had suddenly become strangely +clear. + +"Ah, sir--Dr. Carter's," returned Gustavus, beginning to tremble. + +"Dr. Carter's!" whispered Malkiel, excitedly. "I should think so. Eight +guineas and a half, and you pay in instalments." + +"I'll do it, sir," hissed Gustavus, utterly carried away by the +prospect. "What d'you want me to do?" + +"First to let me change my clothes quickly, then to hide me somewhere +so as I can get a sleep till dawn. Call me directly it begins to get +light and I shall be off to the docks." + +"The docks, sir?" + +"Ay. I start for--for Java to-morrow." + +"Java, sir--what, where the sparrows and the jelly--" + +"Ay, ay," returned Malkiel, secretly rehearsing his new nautical role. + +"I'll do it sir. And the hundred?" + +"I'll write you an order on my banker's. You can trust me. Now let me +change my clothes. Quick!" + +"They're in Mr. Vivian's bedroom, ain't they?" + +Malkiel nodded. + +"You must go very soft, sir, because of the old lady. She's abed, but +she might be wakeful, specially to-night. She's been awful upset. My +word, she has!" + +"I'll go as soft as a mouse," whispered Malkiel. "Show me the way." + +Gustavus advanced on tiptoe towards the staircase, followed by Malkiel, +who held Mr. Ferdinand's clothes together lest they should rustle, and +proceeded with the most infinite precaution. In this manner they gained +the second floor and neared the bedroom door of Mrs. Merillia. Here +Gustavus turned round, pointed to the door, and put his finger to his +pouting lips, at the same time rounding his hazel eyes and shaking his +powdered head in a most warning manner. Malkiel nodded, held Mr. +Ferdinand's clothes tighter, and stole on, as he thought, without +making a sound. What was his horror, then, just as he was passing Mrs. +Merillia's door, to hear a voice cry,-- + +"Hennessey! Hennessey!" + +Gustavus and Malkiel stopped dead, as if they had both been shot. They +now perceived that the door was partially open, and that a faint light +shone within the room. + +"Hennessey!" cried the voice of Mrs. Merillia again. "Come in here. I +must speak to you." + +Gustavus darted on into the darkness of the Prophet's room, but Malkiel +the Second was so alarmed that he stayed where he was, finding himself +totally incapable of movement. + +"Hennessey!" repeated the voice. + +Then there was a faint rustling, the door was opened more widely, and +Mrs. Merillia appeared in the aperture, clad in a most charming night +bonnet, and robed in a dressing-gown of white watered silk. + +"The ratcatcher!" she cried. "The ratcatcher!" + +Malkiel turned and darted down the stairs, while Mrs. Merillia, in the +extreme of terror, shut her door, locked it as many times as she could, +and then hastened trembling to the bell which communicated with the +faithful Mrs. Fancy, rang it, and dropped half fainting into a chair. +Mrs. Fancy woke from her second dream just as Malkiel, closely followed +by the now shattered Gustavus, reached the hall. + +"Hide me! Hide me!" whispered Malkiel. "In here!" + +And he darted into the servants' quarters, leaving Gustavus on the mat. +Mrs. Merillia's other bell now pealed shrilly downstairs. Gustavus +paused and pulled himself together. He was by nature a fairly intrepid +youth, and moreover, he had recently made a close study of Carlyle's +/Heroes and Hero-worship/, which greatly impressed him. He therefore +resolved in this moment of peril to acquit himself in similar +circumstances, and he remounted the stairs and reached Mrs. Merillia's +door just as Mrs. Fancy, wrapped in a woollen shawl and wearing a pair +of knitted night-socks, descended to the landing, candle in hand. + +"Oh, Mr. Gustavus!" said Mrs. Fancy. "Is it the robbers again? Is it +murder, Mr. Gustavus? Is it fire?" + +"I don't know, Mrs. Fancy, I'll ask the mistress." + +He tapped upon the door. + +"You can't come in!" cried poor Mrs. Merillia, who was losing her head +perhaps for the first time in her life. "You can't come in, and if you +do I shall give you in charge to the police." + +And she rang both her bells again. + +"Ma'am!" said Gustavus, knocking once more. "Ma'am!" + +"It's no use your knocking," returned Mrs. Merillia. "The door is +bolted. Go away, go away!" + +And again she rang her two bells. + +"Madam!" piped Mrs. Fancy. "Madam! It's me!" + +"I know," said Mrs. Merillia. "I know it's you! I saw you! Leave the +house unless you wish to be at once put in prison. + +Her bells pealed. Mrs. Fancy began to sob. + +"Me to leave the house!" she wailed. "Me to go to prison!" + +"Bear up, Mrs. Fancy, she doesn't know who it is!" said Gustavus. +"Ma'am! Ma'am! Missis! Missis!" + +"I am ringing," said Mrs. Merillia, in a muffled manner through the +door. "I am summoning assistance! You will be captured if you don't go +away." + +And again she pealed her bells. This time, as she did so, the tingling +of a third bell became audible in the silent house. + +"Lord!" cried Gustavus, "if there isn't the hall door. It must be +master. He left his key to-night. Here's a nice go!" + +The three bells raised their piercing chorus. Mrs. Fancy sobbed, and +Gustavus, after a terrible moment of hesitation, bounded down the hall. +His instinct had not played him false. The person who had rung the bell +was indeed the Prophet, who had basely slunk away from Zoological +House, leaving Madame surrounded by her new and adoring friends. + +"Thank you, Gustavus," he said, entering. "Take my coat, please. What's +that?" + +For Mrs. Merillia's bells struck shrilly upon his astonished ears. + +"I think it's Mrs. Merillia, sir. She keeps on ringing." + +"Mrs. Merillia. At this hour! Heavens! Is she ill?" + +"I don't know, sir. She keeps ringing; but when I answer it she says, +'Go away!' she says. 'Go--' she says, sir." + +"How very strange!" + +And the Prophet bounded upstairs and arrived at his grandmother's door +just in time to hear her cry out, in reply to poor Mrs. Fancy's +distracted knocking,-- + +"If you try to break in you will be put in prison at once. I hear +assistance coming. I hear the police. Go away, you wicked, wicked man!" + +"Grannie!" cried the Prophet through the keyhole. "Grannie, let me in! +Grannie! Grannie! Don't ring! Grannie! Grannie!" + +But Mrs. Merillia was now completely out of herself, and her only +response to her grandson's appeal was to place her trembling fingers +upon the two bells, and to reply, through their uproar,-- + +"It is useless for you to say that. I know who you are. I saw you. I +shall go on ringing as long as I can stand. I shall die ringing, but I +shall never let you in. Go away! Go away!" + +"What does she mean?" cried the Prophet, turning to Gustavus. + +"I don't know indeed, sir," replied the footman, thinking of Mr. +Carter's library. "I couldn't say indeed, sir." + +"Oh, my poor missis!" wailed Mrs. Fancy, trembling in her night-socks. +"Oh, my poor dear missis! I can't speak different nor mean other. Oh, +missis, missis!" + +"Hush, Fancy!" said the Prophet, in the greatest distraction. "Grannie! +Grannie!" + +And seizing the handle of the door he shook it violently. Mrs. Merillia +was now very naturally under the impression that the ratcatcher was +determined to break in and murder her without more ado. Extreme danger +often seems to exercise a strangely calming influence upon the human +soul. So it was now. Upon hearing her bedroom door quivering under the +assault of the Prophet, Mrs. Merillia was abruptly invaded by a sort of +desperate courage. She left the bells, tottered to the grate in which a +good fire was blazing, seized the poker and thrust it between the bars +and into the heart of the flames, at the same time crying out in a +quavering but determined voice,-- + +"I am heating the poker! If you come in you will repent it. I am +heating the poker!" + +On hearing this remark, the Prophet desisted from his assault upon the +door, overcome by the absolute conviction that his beloved grandmother +was suffering from a pronounced form of homicidal mania. His affection +prompted him to keep such a catastrophe secret as long as possible, and +he therefore turned to Mrs. Fancy and Gustavus, and said hurriedly,-- + +"This is a matter for me alone. Mrs. Fancy, please go away at once. +Gustavus, you will accompany Mrs. Fancy." + +His manner was so firm, his face so iron in its determination, that +Mrs. Fancy and Gustavus dared not proffer a word. They turned away and +disappeared softly down the stairs, to wait the /denouement/ of this +tragedy in the hall below. Meantime the poker was growing red hot in +the coals, and Mrs. Merillia announced to the supposed ratcatcher,-- + +"I can hear you--I hear you breathing--" (the Prophet endeavoured not +to breathe). "I hear you rustling, but you can't touch me. The poker is +red hot." + +And she drew it smoking from the grate and approached the door, holding +it in her delicate hand like a weapon. + +"Grannie!" said the Prophet, making his voice as much like it generally +was as he possibly could. "Dearest grannie!" + +"I dare you to come in!" replied Mrs. Merillia, in an almost formidable +manner. "I dare you to do it." + +"I am not coming in, grannie," said the Prophet. + +"Then go away!" said Mrs. Merillia. "Go away--and let me hear you +going." + +A sudden idea struck the Prophet. He did not say another word, but +immediately walked downstairs, tramping heavily and shaking the wood +balusters violently at every step he took. His ruse succeeded. Hearing +the intruder depart, Mrs. Merillia's curious courage deserted her, she +dropped the poker into the grate, and once more set both bells going +with all her might and main. The Prophet let her ring for nearly five +minutes, then he bounded once more upstairs and tapped very gently on +the door. + +"Grannie," he cried, "are you ringing? What is it?" + +This time Mrs. Merillia recognised his voice, tottered to the door, +unlocked it, and fell, trembling, into his anxious arms. + +"Oh, Hennessey!" she gasped. "Oh--Hennessey!" + +"Grannie, what is it? What on earth is the matter?" + +"The ratcatcher! The ratcatcher!" + +"The ratcatcher!" cried the Prophet. + +"He has come back. He is here. He has been trying to break into my +room." + +"What ratcatcher?" + +"The one that dined to-night--the one you called your old and--and +valued--friend." + +"Mr. Sagittarius?" exclaimed the Prophet. + +"He is here." + +"Here!" + +"I have seen him. He has tried to murder me." + +"I will look into this at once," said the Prophet. + +He ran to the head of the stairs and called out,-- + +"Gustavus!" + +"Sir!" + +"Come up here at once," + +Gustavus came, followed closely by Mrs. Fancy, who was in a state of +abject confusion and alarm. + +"Has Mr. Sagittarius returned here--the gentleman who dined to-night?" +asked the Prophet. + +Gustavus hesitated, thought of Dr. Carter's library, and replied,-- + +"No, sir," + +"Has anybody entered the house?" + +"No, sir." + +"You have been up the whole evening?" + +"Yes, sir." + +"And nobody has been?" + +"Nobody, sir." + +"Grannie, you hear what Gustavus says." + +"But, Hennessey, he is here; I saw him." + +"Where?" + +"By the door. I heard someone, and I thought it was you. I came to the +door after calling you, and there he stood, all dirty and wet, with a +huge hat on his head" (the saturnine little clergyman was largely +blessed with brain), "and a most awful murderous expression on his +face." + +The Prophet began to suspect that his dear relative, upset by the +tragic events of the dinner table, had gone to sleep and had the +nightmare. + +"Grannie, it must have been a dream." + +"No, Hennessey, no." + +"It must indeed. I left Mr. Sagittarius at Zoological House. I feel +certain of that." + +The Prophet spoke the honest truth. He fully believed that Mr. +Sagittarius was at that very moment sharing in the triumph of his wife +and receiving the worship of those who live the silly life. + +"But I saw him, Hennessey," said Mrs. Merillia, adding rather +unnecessarily, "with my own eyes." + +"Grannie, darling, you must have been dreaming. At any rate, I'm here +now. Nothing can hurt you. Go to bed. Fancy will stay with you, and I +swear to you that no harm will happen to you so long as I am +breathing." + +With these noble words the Prophet kissed his grandmother tenderly, +assisted Mrs. Fancy into the room, and walked downstairs quite +determined that, come what might, whether he broke a thousand oaths or +not, he would put an end forthwith to the tyranny of the couple from +the Mouse and abandon for ever the shocking pursuit of prophecy. + + + +CHAPTER XX + +THE PROPHET RETIRES FROM BUSINESS + +Exactly as the Prophet arrived at his resolution the hall door bell +rang violently, and Gustavus, who had slipped down before the Prophet +in order to seek the traveller to Java in the servants' quarters, +hurried into the hall in rather a distracted manner. + +"Stop, Gustavus!" said the Prophet. + +Gustavus stopped. The bell rang again. + +"Gustavus," said the Prophet, "if that is a visitor I am not at home. +Mrs. Merillia is not at home either." + +It was by this time between one and two in the morning. + +"Not at home, sir. Yes, sir." + +The Prophet concealed himself near the hat-rack, and Gustavus went +softly to the door and opened it. + +"Not at home, ma'am," the Prophet heard him say, formally. + +"What d'you mean, young man?" replied the powerful voice of Madame. +"Where is my husband?" + +"Ma'am?" + +"Where, I say, is my husband?" + +"I couldn't say, I'm sure, ma'am. But Mrs. Merillia and Mr. Vivian are +not at home." + +"Then all I can say is they ought to be in at this time of night. +Permit me to pass. Are you aware that Mr. Vivian has invited me to +spend the night here? /Noctes ambrosianes/." + +"But, ma'am, Mr. Viv--" + +"That'll do. If I have any more of your impertinence I'll make you +repent of it. You are evidently not aware who I am." + +The Prophet, by the hat-rack, did not fail to hear a new note in the +deep contralto of Madame, a note of triumph, a trumpet note of profound +conceit. His heart sank before this determined music, and it sank even +lower towards his pumps when, a moment later, he found himself +confronted by the lady, wrapped closely in the rabbit-skins, and +absolutely bulging with vanity and self-appreciation. + +"What! Mr. Vivian!" began the lady. + +"Hush! said the Prophet, "for mercy's sake--hush!" + +And, acting upon the impulse of the moment, he suddenly seized Madame +by the hand, and hurried her through the swinging door into the +servants' hall. + +"Here's a go," murmured Gustavus in the greatest trepidation. "If they +don't find the thin party I'm a josser." + +Meanwhile the Prophet and Madame were standing face to face before the +what-not of Gustavus. + +"My grandmother is awake--that is asleep," said the Prophet. "We must +not wake her on any account." + +"Oh," returned Madame, with a toss of her head, "your grandmother seems +to be a very fidgety old lady, I'm sure--although you do tell a parcel +of lies about her." + +"Lies!" said the Prophet, with some dignity. + +"Yes--lies. She don't wear long clothes--" + +"I beg your pardon!" + +"She do not. She don't wear her hair down. She don't put her lips to +the bottle. She don't. Where is Mr. Sagi--where is Malkiel the Second?" + +"I have no idea. And now, Madame, I regret that I must conduct you to +your carriage. The hour is late, my grandmother is seriously +indisposed, and I myself need rest." + +"Well, then, you can't have it," retorted the lady with authoritative +spitefulness. "You can't have it, not till three o'clock." + +"I beg your pardon!" said the Prophet, with trembling lips. + +"What for?" + +"I really regret that I must retire. Allow me--" + +"I'll not allow you. Where is my husband? He's not at the Zoological +Gardens." + +"He has probably returned home." + +"To the Mouse! Then he's a coward and an oath-breaker, and if Sir +Tiglath was to catch him I shouldn't be sorry. Kindly lead me at once +to the telescope. I will take his place. No one shall say that Madame +Malkiel ever flinched at duty's call. /Praesto et persistibus/. Conduct +me at once to the telescope." + +"The telescope!" cried the Prophet. "What for?" + +"Lawks!" cried Madame, with pronounced temper. "Did we not journey from +the Mouse a-purpose to go practically into the mystery of the dressed +Crab?" + +"I really--I really cannot consent without a chaperon," began the +Prophet. + +"The wife of Malkiel the Second needs no chaperone," retorted Madame. +"This night has altered my condition--I stand from henceforth far +beyond the reach of etiquette. The world knows me now and will not dare +to carp. /Carpe dies/." + +During the foregoing colloquy her voice had become louder and louder, +and the Prophet, dreading unspeakably lest his grandmother should be +disturbed and affrighted once more, gave up the struggle, and, without +more ado, conducted Madame into the butler's pantry in which the +telescope still remained. + +Meanwhile what had become of Malkiel the Second? + +When Mrs. Merillia suddenly appeared before him in her night-bonnet and +accused him of being a ratcatcher he had very naturally fled, his first +impulse being to leave the house at once and continue his journey to +the docks. But even a prophet is but mortal. Malkiel had passed through +an eventful day followed by a still more eventful evening. His mind was +completely exhausted. Even so, however, he might have continued upon +his journey towards Java had not his legs prosaically shown signs of +giving way under him just as he once more gained the hall. This decided +him. He must have some short repose at whatever cost. He therefore +pushed feebly at the nearest door, and found himself promptly in the +apartment of the upper servants. Staggering to the what-not of +Gustavus, he sank down upon it and fell into a melancholy reverie, from +which he was roused by the constant tingling cry of Mrs. Merillia's +second bell, which rang close to where he was reposing. He tried to +start up, but failed, and it was only when the hall door bell, attacked +by the Prophet, added its voice to its companion's that his terror lent +him sufficient strength to flee very slowly into the inner fastnesses +of this unknown region. There was a light in the servant's hall, but +darkness lay beyond and Malkiel knew not whither he was penetrating. He +barked his shins, but could not tell against what hard substance. He +bruised his elbow, but could not know what piece of furniture had +assailed it. On coming in contact with a dresser he saw a few sparks, +but they speedily died out, and he was obliged to feel his way onward, +till presently he came across a large leather chair in which Mrs. +Merillia's cook was wont to sit while directing her subordinates at the +basting machine. Into this he sank palpitating, and for a moment +remained undisturbed. Then, to his horror, he heard in the adjoining +room the strident voice of his loved and honoured wife apparently +carrying on a decidedly vivacious argument with some person unknown. He +bounded up. Possibly she was accompanied by Sir Tiglath, who must now +be aware of his identity. In any case, her wrath at his scarcely +chivalrous desertion of her in the house of a stranger would, he knew, +be terrible. He dared not face it. He dared not allow his project of +flight at dawn to be interfered with, as it certainly would be if he +came across Madame. He therefore proceeded to flee once more. Nor did +he pause until he had gained Mr. Ferdinand's pantry, where stood the +telescope. Now, in this pantry there was a large cupboard in which were +kept the very numerous and magnificent pieces of plate, etc., possessed +by Mrs. Merillia; tall silver candelabra, standard lamps of polished +bronze, richly-chased cups, gigantic vases for containing flowers, +oriental incense holders upon stands of ebony, Spanish charcoal dishes +of burnished brass, and other treasures far too numerous to mention. +This cupboard was always carefully locked at night, but on this +occasion Mr. Ferdinand, totally disorganised by the frightful scenes +which had taken place at his dinner table during the evening, had +retired to bed in a condition of collapse, leaving it open. Malkiel the +Second, feeling frantically about in the dark, came upon the door of +this cupboard, pulled it, found that it yielded to his hand, and, +hearing the rapidly approaching voices of Madame and the Prophet, +stumbled into the cupboard and sank down on a large gold loving-cup, +with one foot in a silver soup tureen, and the other in a priceless +sugar basin, just as the light of the candle borne by the Prophet +glimmered in the darkness of the adjacent corridor. + +"This way, Madame," said the Prophet. "But I really think such a +proceeding is calculated to cause a grave scandal in the square." + +Malkiel the Second drew the cupboard door to, and grasped a silver +candelabrum in each hand to sustain himself upon the rather sharp rim +of the loving-cup. + +"What is the square to me or I to the square?" returned Madame with +ungrammatical majesty. "Madame Malkiel is not governed by any ordinary +laws. /Lexes non scripta/ is her motto. To these alone she clings." + +Her husband clung to the candelabra and burst into a violent +perspiration. Through the keyhole of the cupboard a ray of light now +shone, and he heard the frou-frou of his partner's skirt, the flump of +the rabbit-skins as she cast them from her ample shoulders upon the +floor. The Prophet's voice became audible again. + +"What do you wish me to do?" he said, with a sort of embittered +courtesy. + +"Throw open the window, place yourself before the telescope, and +proceed at once to your investigations," replied the lady. + +"I am not in a condition to investigate," said the Prophet. "I am not +indeed. If you will only let me get you a cab, to-morrow night--" + +'It is useless to talk, Mr. Vivian," said Madame, very sharply. "The +cab has not yet been made that will convey me to the Mouse to-night." + +"But your husband--" + +"My husband is a coward, unworthy of such a wife as he possesses. At +the crisis of our fortunes--What's that?" + +At this painful moment Malkiel the Second was so overcome by emotion, +that he trembled, and allowed his left foot to rattle slightly on the +sugar basin. + +"What was it?" repeated Madame. + +"Rats, I have no doubt," answered the Prophet, who had heard nothing. +"I believe that the basements of these old houses are simply--well-- +simply permeated with rats." + +For a moment Madame blanched, but she was a woman of spirit, and +moreover she was almost intoxicated with ambition. Recognised at last +as a lady of position and importance in one of the mansions of the +idiotic great, she was more anxious than ever to remove forthwith into +the central districts, there to exercise that sway which she had so +long desired. Finding that there exists a world in which prophets--far +from being considered as dirty and deceitful persons--are worshipped +and adored, entertained with Pommery and treated almost as gods, she +yearned to dwell in the midst of it. The peaceful seclusion of the +Mouse was become hateful to her. The architects and their wives began +to seem to her uplifted fancy little better than the circle that +frequented Hagglin's Buildings, or appeared at the paltry +entertainments given by the inhabitants of Drakeman's Villas. She was +resolved to soar, and even rats should not turn her from her passionate +purpose. Accordingly she replied,-- + +"Rats or no rats, I intend to see this matter out. /Dixisti!/ The +night wanes. Kindly go at once to the telescope." + +The Prophet obeyed, first opening the window into the area. The rain +had now cleared off, but the sky was still rather cloudy, and only a +few stars peeped here and there. + +"Really," said the Prophet, after applying his weary eye to the +machine, "really I don't think it's any good, there are so very--" + +"Have the goodness to place the old lady in the claws of the Crab, +according to the directions of the coward who has deserted me." + +Malkiel shook with shame upon the loving-cup. + +"But I really can't find the Crab," said the Prophet, who was so tired +that he could scarcely stand. "I can see the Great Bear." + +"That is no use. The Bear has nothing to do with the old lady. You must +find the Crab. Look again." + +The Prophet did so. But his eye blinked with fatigue and the heavens +swam before it. + +"There is no Crab to-night," he said. "I assure you on my honour there +is none." + +Exactly as he finished making this statement a low whistle rang through +the silence of the night. The Prophet started, Madame jumped, and +Malkiel bounded on the loving-cup. + +The whistle was repeated. + +"It's the thing!" whispered the Prophet. + +"What thing?" inquired Madame, who had become rather pale. + +"The dark thing that told me the Crab was dressed. It has come again." + +"My word!" ejaculated Madame, looking uneasily around. "Where is it?" + +Just then Malkiel the Second's feet once more began to tremble among +the plate of Mrs. Merillia. + +"You hear it!" said the Prophet, much impressed. + +"Did it rattle like that the other night?" gasped Madame, seizing the +Prophet by the arm. + +The Prophet told a lie with his head. + +"Address it, I beg," said Madame, in a great state of excitement. +"Meanwhile I will retire a few paces." + +So saying, she backed into the passage, bearing the candle with her for +company, and leaving the Prophet in total darkness. The low whistle +sounded again, and a husky voice said,-- + +"Are you there?" + +"Yes," replied the Prophet, summoning all his courage. "I am." + +"What 'a' you put out the light for?" said the voice, which seemed to +come from far away. + +"I haven't put it out," returned the Prophet. "It's gone away." + +At this juncture Malkiel, impelled by curiosity, ceased from trembling, +and, leaning forward upon the loving-cup, glued his ear to the key-hole +of the cupboard. + +"Why was you so late to-night?" proceeded the voice. "She's been in a +rare taking, I can tell you." + +"Who?" + +"Who? You know well enough." + +"Do you mean my grandmother?" + +"Your grandmother!" ejaculated the voice with apparent sarcasm. "Ah! of +course, what do you think?" + +"I'm sure I don't know," said the poor Prophet, whose reason was +beginning to totter upon its throne. + +"Well," proceeded the voice, "she thought you'd give it up." + +"What--my grandmother did?" + +"Ah, your grandmother. Get away with you! Ha! ha! ha!" + +And the mysterious visitant broke forth into a peal of rather mundane +laughter. After indulging in this unseemly mirth for about a minute and +a half, the personage resumed,-- + +"The Crab did for her." + +Upon hearing the mystic word Madame crept stealthily a pace or two +nearer to the door, while the Prophet exclaimed,-- + +"The dressed Crab?" + +"Ah, what do /you/ think? Not a wink of sleep and thought every +minute'd be 'er next." + +"Good Heavens!" + +"She says she'd never go near a crab again, not if it's ever so." + +"You are sure?" said the Prophet, eagerly. "You are positive she said +that?" + +"I'd stake my Davy, and I wouldn't do that on everything. There ain't a +man living as'll ever get her to go within fifty miles of a crab this +side of Judgment." + +At this point in the colloquy the curiosity of Madame overcame her, and +she protruded her head suddenly beyond the edge of the doorway. + +"Ulloh!" exclaimed the voice. "Why, what's 'a' you got there?" + +Madame hastily withdrew, and the voice continued,-- + +"Blessed if it ain't a female!" + +"I beg your pardon!" said the Prophet, trembling with propriety. "I-- +I--there is no female here!" + +"Yes there is!" cried the voice, with a chuckle. "There's a female +creeping and crawling about behind that there door." + +The Prophet's sense of chivalry was now fully aroused. + +"You are mistaken," he said firmly. "There are no females creeping +and--and crawling about in this--this respectable house." + +"Respectable!" ejaculated the voice, "respectable! I say there is a +female. You're a nice one, you are! 'Pon my word, I've a good mind to +run you in for Mormonism, I have. Wherever's she got to?" + +On the last words a sudden blaze of light shot into the pantry, and at +the same moment there was the sound of wheels rapidly approaching in +the square. + +"Hulloh!" said the voice, "someone a-comin'." + +The light died out as rapidly as it had flashed in, the wheels drew +close and stopped, and a bell pealed forth in the silent house. + +"Merciful Heavens!" cried the Prophet, pressing his hands to his +throbbing brow. "Merciful Heavens! who can that be?" + +There was no answer, and the bell pealed again. + +"Grannie will be disturbed!" exclaimed the Prophet, addressing himself, +passionately to the darkness. "Grannie will be killed by all this +uproar." + +The bell pealed again. + +"This must cease," cried the Prophet. "This must and shall cease. I +will bring it all to an end once and for ever!" + +And, with sudden desperate decision, he shut the window, burst out of +the pantry and came upon Madame, who was standing in a somewhat furtive +manner by the door that opened into the cellars of the mansion. + +"Mr. Vivian," she began, in a rather subdued voice, "that isn't a +comet, that's a copper!" + +The bell rang again. + +"D'you think--d'you think that can be my husband?" continued Madame, +still seeming subdued. "I should like him-- Do you think it's him?" + +"What?" + +"The bell." + +"I will very soon see," replied the Prophet, in a most determined +manner. + +"But Mr. Viv--" + +"Don't hold me, if you please. Kindly let me pass!" + +And, breaking from the lady's anxious grasp, the Prophet rushed into +the hall just as Gustavus appeared, descending the front stairs from +the landing before Mrs. Merillia's door, where he had been in close +conference with Mrs. Fancy. + +"Stand back, Gustavus," said the Prophet. + +"Sir!" + +"Stand back!" + +"But, sir, there is someone--" + +"I know there is. I am about to answer the door myself." + +"If you please, sir, Mrs. Merillia is greatly alarmed by the constant +ringing, and Mrs. Fancy thinks--" + +"Gustavus," said the Prophet in an awful voice, "you may retire, but +first let me tell you one thing." + +"Certainly, sir," said the footman, beginning to tremble. + +"The circumstances that have rendered a hitherto peaceful household +more disordered than an abode of madmen are about to be brought to an +end for ever. There is a point at which a gentleman must either cease +to be a gentleman or cease to be a man. I have reached that point, +Gustavus, and I am about to cease to be a gentleman." + +And, with this terrible statement, the Prophet advanced with a sort of +appalling deliberation and threw the front door wide open. + +Upon the doorstep stood Lady Enid wrapped in a pink opera cloak and Sir +Tiglath Butt shrouded in the Inverness. The Prophet faced them with a +marble demeanour. + +"I thought you'd be here, Mr. Vivian," began Lady Enid in a bright +manner. + +"I am here," said the Prophet, speaking in a voice that might well have +issued from a statue. + +"Where is he?" roared Sir Tiglath. "Where is he? Oh-h-h-h!" + +"Sir Tiglath means Malkiel," explained Lady Enid. "He is most anxious +to meet him." + +"Why?" said the Prophet, still in the same inhuman voice. + +"Well, we shall see when they do meet," said Lady Enid, throwing a look +of keen curiosity at the astronomer. "I rather think--" here she +lowered her voice and whispered in the Prophet's ear--"I rather think +Sir Tiglath wishes to try if he can murder Malkiel. Do you believe he +could bring it off?" + +"I'm sure I don't know," answered the Prophet, with stony indifference. +"Good-night to you!" + +"But we want to come in," cried Lady Enid. + +"Young man," roared Sir Tiglath, "the old astronomer will not leave +this house till he has searched it from attic to cellar." + +"I am sorry," replied the Prophet, "but I cannot permit my +grandmother's servants or wine to be disturbed at such an hour. If you +wish to murder Malkiel the Second, I shall not prevent you, but he is +not here." + +"Then where is he?" cried Lady Enid. + +"I don't know. And now--" + +The Prophet stepped back into the hall, and was about to close the door +unceremoniously--having, as he intended, ceased to be a gentleman--when +Lady Enid caught sight of the round and fixed eyes of Gustavus glaring +out into the night from behind his master. The appalling feminine +instinct, which makes woman the mistress of creation, suddenly woke +within her, and she cried out in a piercing voice,-- + +"Malkiel's in the house, and Gustavus knows it!" + +She spoke these words with such conviction that the Prophet spun round, +top-wise, and stared at the unfortunate flunkey, who instantly fell +upon his knee-breeches and stammered out,-- + +"Oh, sir, forgive me! It's Dr. Carter done it, sir, it is indeed. It's +Dr. Carter done it!" + +"Dr. Carter!" ejaculated the Prophet. + +"The library, sir. He offered me the library eight times over, sir!" + +"Who offered you the library?" + +"The gent, sir, in Mr. Ferdinand's trouserings, what was at dinner, +sir. He only wanted to change 'em, sir, and he says to me, he says, +'Let me,' he says, 'but remove these trouserings,' he says, 'before I +make off to Java,' he says--" + +"To where?" roared Sir Tiglath. + +"To Java, sir, where the jelly and the sparrows is manufactured, sir, +that is born, sir. 'And,' he says, 'here is a hundred pounds,' he +says." + +"Then he is in the house?" said the Prophet, sternly. + +"Well, sir, he was, sir. And, as I ain't seen him go, sir, I expect as +he's somewhere about changing of 'em, sir. Oh, sir, if you'll only look +it over sir, It's all the thirst, sir, it's all the thirst--" + +"What? You have been drinking?" cried the Prophet, in an outraged +manner. + +"No, sir, the thirst for knowledge, sir, as has brought me to this. Oh, +sir, if only you'll--" + +"Hush!" said the Prophet fiercely. "Sir Tiglath," he added, turning +towards the puffing astronomer, "you can enter. My grandmother must +have been right." + +"Your grandmother?" said Lady Enid, with eager inquisitiveness. + +"She informed me that the ruffian was in the house and had attempted to +make away with her--" + +"Dear me! this is most interesting!" interposed Lady Enid. + +"But I supposed she had had the nightmare. It seems that I was wrong. +If you will step in, you can search the house at once. And if you +discover this nameless creature changing his--that is Mr. Ferdinand's +trouserings--trousers, that is,--in any part of the building, as far as +I am concerned you can murder him forthwith." + +The Prophet spoke quite calmly, in a soft and level voice. Yet there +was something so frightful in his tone and manner that even Sir Tiglath +seemed slightly awe-stricken. At any rate, he accepted the Prophet's +invitation in silence, and stepped almost furtively into the hall, on +whose floor Gustavus was still posed in the conventional attitude of +the Christian martyr. Lady Enid eagerly followed, and the Prophet was +just about to close the door, when a dark, hovering figure that was +pausing at a short distance off upon the pavement attracted his +attention. He stopped short, and, perceiving that it was a policeman, +beckoned to it. The figure approached. + +"What's up now?" it said familiarly, emphasising the question with a +sharp contraction of the left eyelid. "You're having a nice game +to-night, and no mistake." + +"Game!" replied the Prophet, sternly. "This is no game. Stand there, by +the area gate, and if anyone should run out, knock him down with your +truncheon. Do you hear me?" + +With these impressive words he entered the house and shut the door, +leaving the policeman to whistle inquiringly to the stars that were +watching over this house, once peaceful, but now the abode of violence +and tragedy. + +In the hall he found Gustavus still on his knees between Lady Enid and +Sir Tiglath. + +"Lady Enid," he said, even in this hour mindful of the proprieties, +"you have heard what this villain is doing here, and must be sensible +that you can take no part in this search." + +"Oh, but I particularly want--" began Lady Enid, hastily. + +"Pardon me," said the Prophet, with more firmness than Napoleon ever +showed to his marshals. "You must retire. Please come this way. Mrs. +Fancy will look after you." + +"Oh, but really, Mr. Vivian, I--" + +"Kindly follow me." + +Lady Enid hesitated for a moment, but the Prophet's manner was too much +for her, and when he stepped, like a clockwork automaton with a steel +interior, towards the staircase, she crept mildly in his wake. + +"Can't I really--?" she whispered in his ear. + +"Certainly not. If you were a married woman, possibly--" + +"Well, but I am engaged," she murmured. + +The Prophet stopped short. + +"Engaged!" he said. "To whom?" + +"Sir Tiglath." + +"Engaged to Sir Tiglath!" + +"Yes. He proposed to me to-night at Zoological House." + +"Why?" + +She might well have resented the question, but perhaps she divined the +distraught and almost maniacal condition of mind that the Prophet +masked beneath his impassive demeanour. At any rate she answered +frankly,-- + +"Because he didn't find out I'm Miss Minerva, and in the midst of Mrs. +Bridgeman's silly world I stood right out as the only sensible creature +living. Isn't it fun?" + +"Fun!" + +"Yes. I always meant him to propose to me." + +"Why?" + +"Because I always thought it would be supremely idiotic of me to accept +him." + +The Prophet felt that if he listened to another remark of such a nature +his brain would snap and he would instantly be taken with a tearing fit +of hysterics. He therefore turned round and slowly ascended to the +first floor. + +"Kindly step into the drawing-room," he said, having first, by a rapid +glance, assured himself that Malkiel was not changing Mr. Ferdinand's +trousers there. "I will send Mrs. Fancy to chaperon you." + +Lady Enid stepped in obediently, and the Prophet, who could distinctly +hear Mrs. Fancy sobbing on the landing above, proceeded thither, took +her hand and guided her down to the drawing-room. + +"Oh, my poor, poor missis!" gulped the devoted creature. "Oh, my--" + +"Precisely," rejoined the Prophet, with passionless equanimity. "Please +go in there and remain to guard this young lady." + +He assisted Mrs. Fancy to fall in a heap upon the nearest sociable, and +then, still moving with a species of frozen deliberation, betook +himself once more to the hall. The astronomer and Gustavus were +standing there in silence. + +"Sir Tiglath," said the Prophet, in a very formal manner, "you can now +begin to search for this ruffian." + +Sir Tiglath cleared his throat, and continued to stand still. + +"I hope you will find him," continued the Prophet. + +Sir Tiglath cleared his throat again and added,-- + +"Why?" + +"Why? Because I think it quite time that he was murdered," answered the +Prophet, unemotionally. "Well! why don't you search?" + +The astronomer, whose face began to look less red than usual, rolled +his glassy eyes round upon the shadowy hall, the dim staircase and the +gloomy-looking closed doors that confronted them. + +"Where is the old astronomer to search?" he asked, in a low voice. +"Oh-h-h-h!" + +The final exclamation sounded remarkably tremulous. + +"Anywhere--except in my grandmother's bedroom. That of course is +sacred. Well, why don't you begin?" + +Sir Tiglath eyed the Prophet furtively. + +"I'm--I'm going to," he murmured hoarsely. "The old astronomer does not +know the meaning of the word--fear." + +Exactly as he uttered these inspiring words the hall clock growled, +like a very large dog, and struck two. Sir Tiglath started and caught +hold of Gustavus, who started in his turn and shrank away. The Prophet +alone stood up to the clock, which finished its remark with a click, +and resumed its habitual occupation of ticking. + +"Pray begin, Sir Tiglath," said the Prophet. + +"The old astronomer--must have a--a--a--candle." + +"Here is one," said the Prophet, handing the desired article. + +"A lighted candle." + +"Why lighted? Oh, so that you can see to murder him! Gustavus, light +the candle." + +Gustavus, who was trembling a good deal more than an autumn leaf, +complied after about fifteen unavailing attempts. + +"There, Sir Tiglath," said the Prophet. "Now you can begin." And he +seated himself upon a settee, leaned back and crossed his legs. + +"You will not accompany the old astronomer? Oh-h-h" + +"No. I will rest here. When you have found the ruffian and murdered +him, I shall be glad to hear your news." + +And, so saying, the Prophet settled himself comfortably with a cushion +behind his back, and calmly closed his eyes. The candlestick clattered +in Sir Tiglath's gouty hand. The Prophet heard it, heard heavy feet +shuffling very slowly and cautiously over the floor of the hall, +finally heard the door leading to the servants' quarters swing on its +hinges. Still he did not open his eyes. He felt that if he were to do +so just then he would probably begin to shriek, rave, foam at the +mouth, and in all known ways comport himself as do the inhabitants of +Bedlam. A delicate silence fell in the hall. How long it lasted the +Prophet never knew. It might have been five minutes or five years as +far as he was concerned. It was broken at length by the following +symphony of sounds--an elderly man's voice roaring, a woman's voice +uttering a considerable number of very powerful screams on a rather low +but still resounding note, a loud thump, a crash of glass, a prodigious +clattering, as of utensils made in some noisy material falling from a +height and rolling vigorously in innumerable directions, two or three +bangs of doors, and the peculiar patter of rather large and flat feet, +unaccustomed to any rapid exercise, moving over boards, oilcloth and +carpet. Then the swing door sang, and the Prophet, opening his eyes, +perceived Madame Malkiel moving forward with considerable vivacity, and +screaming as she moved, her bonnet depending down her back and the +rabbit-skins flowing from her ample shoulders. Immediately behind her +ran her spouse, holding in one hand a silver pepper castor, and in the +other a small and very beautifully finished bronze teapot of the +William of Orange period. The worthy couple fleeted by, and the Prophet +turned his expressionless eyes towards the swing door expecting +immediately to perceive Sir Tiglath Butt in valiant pursuit. As no such +figure presented itself, and as the Malkiels were now beginning to +mount the stairs with continually increasing velocity, the Prophet +slowly uncrossed his legs, and was thinking of getting upon his feet +when there came a loud knock upon the hall door. + +"Gustavus!" said the Prophet, glancing round. + +He perceived the footman lying in a dead faint near the umbrella stand. + +"Oh!" he said, speaking to himself aloud. "Oh! Then I must go myself." + +Acting upon his conception of his duty, he accordingly walked to the +front door, opened it, and found the policeman outside supporting the +senseless form of Sir Tiglath Butt in one hand and holding a broken +truncheon in the other. + +"Well?" said the Prophet, calmly. "Well?" + +"I knocked him down as he was making a bolt," said the policeman. + +The Prophet found himself wondering why so industrious and even useful +an occupation should be interfered with in such a manner. However, he +only replied,-- + +"Indeed!" + +"Ah," said the policeman, stepping into the hall and laying the +astronomer out across a chair, "what's up?" + +"They are both up," answered the Prophet, pointing with a lethargic +finger towards the staircase, from which, at this moment, arose a +perfect hubbub of voices. + +"Come on!" cried the policeman. + +"Why?" asked the Prophet. + +"Why! you're a nice un, you are! Why! And nab 'em, of course!" + +"You think it would be wise to--what was the word--nab them?" inquired +the Prophet. "You really think so?" + +"Well, what am I here for then?" said the policeman, with angry irony. + +"Oh, if you prefer," rejoined the Prophet, civilly. "Nab them by all +means. I shall not prevent you." + +The policeman, who was an active and industrious fellow deserving of +praise, waited for no further permission, but immediately darted up the +stairs, and in less than a minute returned with Mrs. Merillia--attired +in a black silk gown, a bonnet, and an Indian shawl presented to her on +her marriage by a very great personage--in close custody. + +"Here's one of 'em!" he shouted. "Here, you lay hold of her while I +fetch the rest!" + +And with these words he thrust the Prophet's grandmother into one of +his hands, the broken truncheon into the other, and turning smartly +round, again bounded up the stairs. + +In a famous poem of the late Lord Tennyson there is related a dramatic +incident of a lady whose disinclination to cry, when such emotion would +have been only natural, was overcome by the presentation to her of her +child. A somewhat similar effect was produced upon our Prophet by the +constable's presentation to him of his honoured grandmother. The sight +of her reverent head, surmounted by the bonnet which she had assumed in +readiness to flee from the house which she could no longer regard as a +home--the touch of her delicate hand--the flutter of her so hallowed +Indian shawl--these things broke down the strange calm of her devoted +grandson. Like summer tempest came his emotion, and, when the policeman +presently returned with Malkiel the Second and Madame nabbed by his +right and left hands, and followed by Lady Enid and the weeping Mrs. +Fancy, he was confronted by a most pathetic tableau. The Prophet and +Mrs. Merillia were weeping in each other's arm's while Sir Tiglath and +Gustavus--just returned to consciousness--were engaged in examining the +proceeding with puppy dog's eyes. + +Over the explanations that ensued a veil may be partially drawn. One +lifted corner, however, allows us to note that Sir Tiglath Butt, having +come upon Madame hidden behind a bin of old port in the Prophet's +cellar, had been seized by a desire not to alarm a lady so profound +that it prompted him to hurry to the butler's pantry, and to seek +concealment in the very cupboard which already contained Malkiel the +Second. On perceiving that gentleman perched upon the loving-cup, and +protected by candlesticks, sugar basins, teapots and other weapons, the +astronomer's anxiety to become a murderer apparently forsook him. At +any rate, he passed through the plate-glass of the window rather +hastily into the area, where, as we know, he received the solicitous +attentions of the policeman who had served as an intermediary between +the Lord Chancellor's second cook--whose supper of dressed crab had +caused so much confusion--and the supposed Mr. Ferdinand. Malkiel the +Second, finding himself discovered, took to the open just as Madame +fled forth from the cellar, to be overtaken by the very natural +misconception that she was about to become the victim of a husband +whose jealousy had at length caused him to assume his /toga virilibus/. + +Perhaps it was Sir Tiglath's throwing off of the said garment which +caused Lady Enid to throw him over. At any rate, she eventually married +Mr. Robert Green and made him a very sensible wife. + +The Malkiels returned to the Mouse, where they still live, and still +carry on a certain amount of intercourse with architects and their +wives. From time to time, however, they attend the receptions at +Zoological House, and a rumour recently ran through the circles of the +silly to the effect that they had been looking at a house not far from +the Earls Court Station, with a view--it is surmised--of removing to +more central districts. + +They are no longer on terms with the Prophet. + +He has retired from business and put down his telescope once and for +all, recognising that prophecy is a dangerous employment, and one +likely to bring about the very evils it foreshadows. Calmly he dwells +with his beloved grandmother in the Berkeley Square, which has received +them once more into its former favour. Sometimes, at night, when the +sky is clear, and the bright stars, the guardian stars, keep watch over +his aristocratic neighbourhood, he draws aside the curtain from the +drawing-room window and glances forth at Mercury and Uranus, Jupiter, +Saturn and Venus. And when his eyes meet their twinkling eyes, he +exchanges with them--not a question and answer, not a demand for unholy +information and a reluctant reply, but a serene, gentlemanly and +perfectly decorous good-night. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext The Prophet of Berkeley Square by Hichens + |