diff options
Diffstat (limited to '24358-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 24358-8.txt | 2343 |
1 files changed, 2343 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/24358-8.txt b/24358-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..458894d --- /dev/null +++ b/24358-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2343 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +March 25, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 25, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24358] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + Edited By Owen Seaman. + + VOL. 146 + + + March 25, 1914. + + + + + CHARIVARIA. + + +The attention of the AMERICAN AMBASSADOR has been called to the danger +of after-dinner speaking. There is many a true word said in +digestion--and the truth is apt to hurt sensitive nations. + + * * * + +Art circles continue to seethe with indignation over the National +Gallery outrage. Even the Post-Impressionists have now no sympathy with +the Suffragettes, for they realise that, while in this instance it was +only a Velasquez which was injured, next time it might be a sublime +Bomberg or a transcendent Wyndham Lewis. + + * * * + +Sir HIRAM MAXIM has addressed an open letter to Mrs. PANKHURST +containing a number of questions, and asking for certain definite +information before he joins her party. Nothing, we believe, would please +that party better than to be able to add a Maxim to its armament. + + * * * + +A number of Liverpool women, many of whom are Suffragettes, have formed +a Women's Church. A feature of this Church will no doubt be the +institution of frequent Fasts with a view to training the worshippers to +cope with the difficulties of every-day life. + + * * * + +A fire brigade composed entirely of girl students successfully +fought a fire last week at Wellesley College, a famous American +educational institution. A strongly-worded protest against their +unwomanly conduct has, we understand, been sent from the headquarters of +the W.S.P.U. + + * * * + +After much wordy warfare between our contemporary's readers, the +proprietors of _The Saturday Westminster Gazette_ have now decided +definitely that it shall be printed on white paper, on the ground that +this is better for the eyesight, and the White-and-See party has thus +gained a notable victory over the Green-and-Bear-It party. + + * * * + +Mr. ROY HORNIMAN has become chairman of the Committee for the Prevention +of Cruelty to Stage Animals. There is good work to be done here. We have +always understood that the hind-legs of the Pantomime dragon suffer +terribly while on the stage, owing to the closeness of the atmosphere. + + * * * + +Rumours reach us of trouble between _The Daily Mail_ and its +enterprising young _protége_, _The Times._ It is all on account of the +former possibly being compelled to modify its announcement, "Daily net +sale six times as large as that of any penny London morning journal," +and charges of ingratitude are flying about. + + * * * + +From the North-West Frontier of India comes the news that the +station-master has been kidnapped from Shahkat station by raiders. It is +now proposed that, with a view to preventing the recurrence of such a +theft, every station-master shall in future wear a collar with a bell +attached to it which would give the alarm. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR VAVASOUR, HAVING DRAGGED THE NOW ALMOST UNCONSCIOUS +MAIDEN TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF, WAS ABOUT TO THROW HER OVER, WHEN ... + +[Illustration: THE ARTIST CHANGED HIS MIND AND TURNED THEM INTO A COUPLE +DANCING THE TANGO.] + + * * * * * + +At a dinner to Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD, the chairman referred to "the two +wings of the Labour movement." Two wings, unfortunately, do not make an +angel. + + * * * + +Some pigeons, it is stated, have built their nests and are rearing their +young at the very point of the Tower Bridge bascules. The S.P.C.A., +always alert, is presumably moving in the matter with a view to the +bridge being closed until the little family is out in the world. + + * * * + +The expression, "The Theatre of War," gets more apt every day. During +the Balkan War the Servians and Montenegrins used a rattle to imitate +machine-gun fire, and a machine has now been devised for imitating the +noise of an aeroplane engine, with the object of alarming hostile +troops. + + * * * + +"We like the stories of men who joked on their death-beds," says _The +Times_ in a leader. Now that _The Times_ has signified its approval we +shall never be surprised to see this become Society's latest hobby. + + * * * + +The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has sold a portion of his library, consisting of +early editions of SHAKSPEARE and CHAUCER, to an American dealer for +£200,000. His Grace is said to have calculated that, if he replaced +these books by the nice handy little editions which are now to be +obtained for sixpence and a shilling a-piece, the transaction would mean +a considerable profit for him. + + * * * + +A skeleton, which is computed to be 150,000 years old, has been +discovered by a German professor. From the position in which it was +found it is conjectured that the man was drowned, and the police will no +doubt take the matter up, and the relatives will, if possible, be +communicated with. + + * * * + +In an age when cheapness seems to be most persons' ideal, it is +refreshing to note that there has been placed on the market a musical +instrument which frankly calls itself the Dea Piano. + + * * * * * + +SONG. + + IN the sunshine went the bee + Busily, O busily; + White birds flashed upon the sea, + White cliffs mounted dizzily; + There a shepherd tuned his reed + For the maiden of his need: + "Shepherdess," he piped, "give heed!" + Long ago in Sicily. + + "As the sky your eyes are blue," + He continued wittily + (When he said this it was new-- + Just come south from Italy); + And she let her lids downfall + (This was then original) + At the marvel of it all-- + Prettily, O prettily. + + So the milch-goats went astray-- + That's the short and long of it; + While they laughed the hours away-- + That's the right and wrong of it; + Till the white wings ceased to strive, + Till the brown bee sought the hive; + "Wonderful!" they said--and I've + Made a silly song of it. + + * * * * * + +JOBSON'S. + +"Is it a bad one?" I said. + +"It's just one of my headaches," said the lady of the house. + +"But some of your headaches," I said, "are different from others. +Some----" + +"This," she said, "is one of the different ones." + +"Is it like those you have when Mrs. Martlet comes to collect on behalf +of the Chimney-Sweeps' Aid Society? I mean, will it yield to treatment +in about an hour?" + +"No," she groaned; "it's even worse than those. It's all over my head." + +"Oh, but if that's the sort I'm all sympathy. Only tell me what I can +do. Are cold compresses any good? Or the doctor? It might be measles, +you know. All the best people have measles now. Real measles, I mean; +not the German sort. Shall I start isolating you? They tell me I'm a +first-class isolater." + +"No," she said, "don't do that. It sounds so heartless." + +"Well," I said, "if there's anything else in reason I'm your man." + +"I want you," she said, "to go to London." + +"To London?" I said. "Of course I'll go. It's the very place I'm wanting +to go to. In fact, I was going there anyhow; only when you said you'd +got a headache I thought I'd stay here and help to cool your brow." + +"But why," she murmured, "were you going to London anyhow?" + +"Because," I said, "I've bought a season ticket. When the +ticket-collector comes round I shan't fumble in all my pockets, or +scrabble on the floor, or get red and nervous. I shall just sit tight +without looking at him and whisper 'Season' from behind my penny +_Times._ I've always wanted to be like that, and now I am it." + +"But will you get your money's worth out of it?" + +"Yes," I said, "if I have to travel up and down three times a day to do +it." + +"And will you be an angel?" she said. + +"I am. My wings are fully grown." + +"Then I want you to fly for me to Jobson's." + +"To Jobson's?" I said in a voice of vague alarm. + +"Yes, Jobson's. The great Stores in the Bothwell Road." + +"But I shall get lost," I said. "I haven't got a head for Stores. +Perhaps if I sew my address into the back of my waistcoat I might +venture, but it's an awful undertaking. And how does one dress for +Stores?" + +"Oh, anyhow," she said. "And when you get there I want you to order some +stockings for the girls--about four pairs each--and three warm +undervests for John." + +"But what about the size?" I said. + +"You won't have any difficulty. Mention their ages, or take up a few old +sample stockings and an undervest with you. They won't be heavy to +carry. Now leave me to my headache." + +Not long afterwards I was in London, having travelled up gently but +firmly as a season-ticket holder. With a beating heart I made my way to +the imposing block of buildings known as Jobson's and entered its +portals. As I did so I realised in a flash of shame that I had left my +parcel of samples in the train. I had known it would be so. I am not +accustomed to carry brown paper parcels in railway carriages, and of +course I had forgotten it. As I failed afterwards to get it back I have +the satisfaction of knowing that someone has been badly disappointed. To +carry off a parcel and then to find that it contains three stockings, +all with holes in the toes and knees, and one small undervest buttonless +and torn into strips up the back, must be a bitter blow. + +Jobson's, when I entered it, was a scene of great animation. Crowds of +customers, nearly all women, were standing about or moving purposefully +in various directions. Brisk and harassed attendants, male and female, +were rushing hither and thither. Confusion and purchase reigned supreme. +Keeping a tight hold on myself I wandered on until, by some mistake, I +found myself in the Ladies' Dress department. + +"Yes, Sir?" said one of the girls in a tone of surprised interrogation. + +"Can I order a dress?" I said nervously. "A lady's dress, you know. For +my wife," I added hastily, for a look of cold disapproval had shown +itself on the attendant's face. "She has a bad headache or she would +have come herself. Or is there an Ironmongery department?" + +"Second floor. You can go in the lift," said the girl. + +The Ironmongery department was attractive beyond description. Fire-irons +glittered, fenders gleamed, and there was a lawn-mower which gaped so +pathetically that I was all but forced to buy it. + +"Is anyone looking after you, Sir?" said a gentleman with the air and +manners of a diplomatist. + +"No," I said; "I want a stocking or two." + +"Hosiery department on the ground floor. You can go in the lift;" and he +too left me. + +Down I went again, plunged head-first through the Ladies' Dress +department, and came to an anchor amongst the pipes, cigars, cigarettes +and tobacco. Here I bought two pipes, a cigar-cutter, and five +match-stands of a very novel design. Having thus paid my footing, I +addressed the salesman. + +"Take me," I said, "to the Hosiery department." + +"Straight on, Sir," he said, "and turn to the right before you get to +the musical instruments." + +"No, no," I said, "that won't do. I have been trying to get there all +day by myself and have failed. I am so very musical. If I go alone I +shall be drawn in among the flutes and harmoniums. Conduct me to the +hosiery or I shall return the match-stands." + +Moved by my appeal he conducted me, and at last reached my haven and +made my purchases. When I got home, the headache was gone, and in its +place there was a critical spirit which prophesied that all the +stockings would certainly be of the wrong size and quality, while the +undervests would be equally useless. About the pipes, cigar-cutter and +the match-stands I preferred to say nothing at all. + +On the whole the visit to Jobson's was a failure. R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +THE BEST POLICY. + +(_Addressed to either pioneer of journalistic insurance._) + + GREAT PAPER (with the booster circulation), + I much admire your latest enterprise; + I positively cheer with acclamation + When, daily, lines like these arrest my eyes: + "ANOTHER OF OUR READERS BREAKS HIS NECK; + PHOTO OF RELATIVES RECEIVING CHEQUE." + + Yes, yes, I _know_ you meet more claims and vaster + Than does your noisy rival on the press; + Methinks the Furies, plotters of disaster, + Intend your scheme to be the true success; + And, of the pair, 'tis you appear to be + The surer passport to eternity. + + So, sighing not for realms that are infernal, + I'll buy the meaner sheet, the over-matched; + Or, better still, some nice old-fashioned journal + To which no startling terror is attached; + Let others read you, heroes who can brave + The instant peril of a bloody grave! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIGHTENING THE DARKNESS. + +[The LORD MAYOR has opened a fund to assist the National Institute for +the Blind in its endeavour to increase and cheapen the supply of BRAILLE +literature.]] + + * * * * * + +IN THE BRAVE 3D. DAYS. + +In these times of change and stress I have been remembering with much +relief a curious character who haunted the British Museum Reading Room a +quarter of a century ago. He cannot be there still, for he was elderly +then: a military-looking man with a very upright, almost corsetted, +form, a reddish face and a gingery moustache that in its prime might +have graced a major. His eye however, was not martial, but blue and +mild, watery and wandering, its quest being, I fancy, a convivial +acquaintance with enough money and generosity for two instalments of +refreshment. His hair, which was scanty, was carefully brushed, and +parted at the back even to his collar, and upon it was perched at a +slight angle a tall hat ironed beyond endurance. His erect body was +encased in a tightly-buttoned frock-coat so shiny that it glistened, and +as for his boots, no really softhearted observer could bear to look +twice at them, so inadequate were they to our city of rain. + +Such was this jaunty thread-bare scholar; but what was his special +branch of learning I never discovered, nor did he make the discovery +easy, for, though he had a desk, it seldom had books upon it, and he was +rarely there: drifting instead about the vast room, exchanging a few +words with this or that crony, and too often leaving it with them on +brief expeditions across the road. He may merely have been a +sermon-copyist, busy only towards Sunday. He may have been a loafer pure +and simple. I say I don't know; but he was a landmark of the place, +idiosyncratic enough to be stamped indelibly on at any rate one retina. + +One other touch is needed to complete his appearance. He always wore +gloves, which my memory inclines me to believe had once been pale +yellow, and he was always accompanied by a copy of _The Times._ This, +however, he did not carry in his hand, but he tucked it between the +first and second buttons of his frock-coat, so folded that the title was +visible, thus guaranteeing to the world that he was one who went to the +fountain-head for his politics and foreign information. By this +sign-mark, in spite of the wear and tear which were only too visible in +his clothes, he became a man apart, for few regular readers among us +could afford such an organ, even if we were attracted by anything so +august and severe. But naturally we all thought the more of him for his +journal. The suggestion of poverty became merely eccentricity. + +And then one day, standing by him closely, I made the humiliating +discovery--as humiliating to me as to him--that the date of the +protruding copy of _The Times_ was a year or so past, and, looking more +narrowly at the paper itself, I realised that it had been folded thus +for months and months and months ... + +Innocent deception! I wish I had never detected it, and I am glad to +think that the gallant old gentleman never knew that it was pierced. But +how comforting it is to know that he was well in his grave before the +great revolution of this month set in, to reduce his proof of gentility +to a penny, and thus reducing it, to render it invalid evermore! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOYALTY. + +"IS THAT RIGHT, CHARLIE, 'AS YOUR MISSUS 'ITS YOU WIV A FLAT-IRON?" + +"ER--YUS--BUT ONLY WITH THE BLUNT END OF IT."] + + * * * * * + +Commercial Threat. + + "General Bakery and Confectionery. We carry a large stock in both + lines. Get the Richardson Bread habit. It will tickle you." + + _Daily News (Port Arthur, Canada)._ + + * * * * * + +"ITALIAN WAR MEDALS. + +(From Our Own Correspondent). + + War vessels were distributed to the troops to-day in the Piazza + Pledisato." + + _Standard of Buenos Aires._ + +Much better to have stuck to the first idea and given them medals. + + * * * * * + +The Oxford Ducks. + + "Going up a good water they rowed a minute at 32, but otherwise + were only waddling."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant._ "NOW, I CAN TELL CHARACTER WHEN I +SEE IT, SO MARK MY WORDS. IF YOU JOIN NOW YOU'LL BE A SWANKIN' GENERAL +IN FIVE YEARS."] + + * * * * * + +POPULAR MISCONCEPTIONS. + + ["Lord Northcliffe rarely sees and never reads a letter, being + mainly nowadays engaged in golf and travel."--_Daily Mail._] + +Nothing is more curious in the journalistic world than the widespread +illusion which prevails as to the nature of Mr. Larvin's editorial +activities. The common view is that he writes nineteen columns in every +issue of the _Sunday Swerver_, besides contributing a leading article, +seven leaderettes, three reviews and a "special" political manifesto to +each number of the _Pale Mail Gazette._ As a matter of fact nothing +could be wider of the mark. Mr. Larvin for many years has taken a +detached and dispassionate view of politics, devoting the greater part +of his time to collecting Egyptian papyri, and playing squash racquets, +at which he is remarkably proficient. Although he occasionally inspires +a paragraph in one or other of the papers mentioned, he hardly ever +comes to either office, and is not even known by sight to the office +boys. + +Another instance of the wide discrepancy between fact and popular belief +is furnished by the case of Mr. Murbidge, the manager of Garrod's +Stores. Mr. Murbidge is commonly supposed to be an omniscient and +ubiquitous administrator, who holds all the strings of Garrod's in his +hands, and to whom all questions are referred for immediate decision. No +one is more amused at this extraordinary hallucination than Mr. Murbidge +himself. Nowadays he is almost entirely occupied in tarpon fishing, +running a plovers' egg farm on Romney Marsh, and playing the pianola. + +Sir James Lignum's appearances at Queen's Hall have led to a host of +misconceptions as to his real interests and accomplishments. It is true +that he wields the _bâton_ on those occasions, but he never sees the +orchestra at any other time or hears a note of music, being entirely +occupied with philately and teaching a boys' club boxing in the +East-end. The band are absolutely independent of his control, while +acquiescing in his presence as a valuable spectacular asset, owing to +the extreme whiteness of his hands, the exquisite cut of his frock-coat, +and the capillary attraction exerted on the audience by his glossy and +luxuriant chevelure. + +We understand that Mr. Larry Cawdor is deeply incensed by the widespread +prevalence of the erroneous impression that he still appears in the +music-halls. For many years he has been replaced by an imitator who +bears the same name and has modelled himself, both vocally and +histrionically, on his illustrious namesake. But the real Larry Cawdor +never sets foot inside a music-hall nowadays, being mainly engaged on +an exhaustive commentary on the _Talmud_ and devoting his scanty leisure +to the collection of entomological specimens for his private museum. + +It is strange that so many people believe that the finances of the +country are still controlled by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. Nominally of course he +is still Chancellor of the Exchequer, but he never goes near the +Treasury, never reads a State Paper or troubles his head with facts or +figures. When he is not inspiring our Foreign Policy--for which Sir +EDWARD GREY so unfairly gains the credit--he is generally to be found +playing piquet with Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR, or four-ball foursomes with Mr. +MASTERMAN, Mr. DEVLIN and the Baron DE FOREST. + +Some misguided people have formed the odd habit of thinking of Sir +Treebohm Herr as an actor. But how far from the truth this is will be +ascertained in a moment when we say that he devotes himself almost +wholly to studying his brother's facetious drawings and attempting to +improve on them. Any histrionic reputation that he may have made has +been the work of understudies while the principal was busy with his +_quasi_-comic pencil. + +Mr. Seldom Gorfridge, the great American shopkeeper whose advertisements +are so highly esteemed by the London Press, is popularly believed to be +interested in his business. This is, of course, a foolish misconception. +Mr. Gorfridge has but one consuming passion and that is pigeon flying. +Week in and week out he is absorbed by this pursuit at his magnificent +home in Cornwall, and all that he knows of Oxford Street and millinery +he learns from the evening papers. + + * * * * * + +FOOD--NOT MERELY FOR THOUGHT. + + ["Brick tea in Mongolia not only acts as food, but is used as + currency and generally as a means of exchange. It is a very ancient + custom, and house rent in Urga is often computed on so many bricks + of tea."] + + _From "With the Russians in Mongolia."_ + + * * * * * + +The introduction of a food currency on more extensive lines into this +country might produce such results as the following:-- + + TRY THE NEW "VAR-RAY" MASHIE. + + Price One Sausage. + + * * * * * + + WHITE'S COLD COMPLEXION CREAM. + + Price 12 Strawberries. + + * * * * * + + COMPANION WANTED.--Apply, stating Celery required, E. A. T. GREEN, + Vegetarian Mansions, S.W. + + * * * * * + + IRISH LINEN CO., OCH, IRELAND. + + Write to-day for Catalogue, enclosing pat of butter to cover + postage. + + * * * * * + + GENTS' TOILET SALOON, + Oxford St., W. + Shave ... One Cut from the Joint. + Hair-cut, Shampoo, etc. One Sheep's Head. + + * * * * * + + WHY PAY MORE? THE LIFE OF LLOYD GEORGE. By Bertie Du Porke. + + In side boards, price One Welsh Rarebit. In half-calf, price One + Pound (of Veal). + + * * * * * + + SHEEPSHANKS & CO., GENTS' OUTFITTERS. + + Gents' ready-to-wear Cycling and Golf Knickers. + + Usual price, Two Legs of Lamb. Sale price, Two Legs of Mutton. + Cycling Hose, to clear--Two Calves Foot Jellies per pair. Gents' + White Spats, clearance price--One Bag of Nuts. + + SHEEPSHANKS & CO., Poultry, E.C. Lists sent Paste Free. + + * * * * * + + CLERK WANTED.--The successful applicant would be enabled to earn + his bread and butter daily.--Apply, T. POTTER & CO., E.C. + + * * * * * + + PECKSTEIN HALL. + + To-morrow at Three. + + Vocalist ... Miss Lottie Teathe. At the Mouth Organ. M. Grubbe. + Prices:--Boxes, Three Gross Sardines. Body, One Pig's Heart. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOME OF THE LARGE STORES ARE GIVING EXHIBITIONS OF HOW TO +CHOOSE A SUITABLE HAT. ABOVE WE SHOW A TRAGEDY IN SIX ACTS OF THE +CUSTOMER WHOM NO HAT WILL SUIT.] + + * * * * * + +THE CHIMES AND THE CHUBE. + + As when a solemn bell + Sounds from a little spire + The smock-frocked villagers to tell + "'Tis church time," and they heed the summons well, + Gaffer, and Jarge and Kate, and tiny Nell, + And last of all comes Squire-- + + So have I heard afar + And pondered on my crimes, + Reader of many a flashy par. + While travelling in the subterranean car, + A voice that murmured, "What a fool you are + Not to take in _The Chimes_!" + + I said, "It costs three d.," + But lied about the cause; + I feared the toils of destiny, + I felt those stately columns close on me, + I shuddered as I rattled like a pea + Citywards without pause. + + _Tuppence_! The fearful sound + Pealed like an organ crash; + Once more the mesh was drawing round, + But still I cried, "Economy!" and drowned + The still small voice, and in the Underground + Flaunted _The Daily Flash._ + + Short shrift for those that err! + Jove has rebuked my sin: + Now, helpless and without demur, + You shall behold me where the tube-lifts purr + Pale captive to the penny _Thunderer_ + With supplements heaved in. + + Only one thing I cry, + With tears and laughter mixed, + That those who speed or far or nigh + The swift-winged wains of the Electric Ry., + And furnish them with little thongs whereby + The passengers are fixed. + + Shall heed the altered price, + Shall change with changing times, + And run some trains more slow than mice, + Stopping between each station once or twice, + Fitted with lecterns of a fair device + To help me read my _Chimes._ + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "THE ORGANIZER, MARCH, 1914. + + TROUBLE always follows misunderstanding. The worst kind of trouble + comes from failure to realize the extent of one's capacity. + + LEARN YOUR REAL VALUE. + + PRICE TWOPENCE." + +Even this doesn't encourage us. + + * * * * * + +ORANGES AND LEMONS. + +III.--SETTLING DOWN. + +The villa was high up on the hill, having (as Simpson was to point out +several times later) Mentone on its left hand and Monte Carlo on its +right. A long winding path led up through its garden of olives to the +front door, and through the mimosa trees which flanked this door we +could see already a flutter of white aprons. The staff was on the loggia +waiting to greet us. + +We halted a moment out of sight of the ladies above and considered +ourselves. It came to us with a sudden shock that we were a very large +party. + +"I suppose," said Archie to Simpson, "they do expect all of us and not +only you? You told them that about half London was coming?" + +"We're only six," said Myra, "because I've just counted again, but we +seem about twenty." + +"It's quite all right," said Simpson cheerfully. "I said we'd be six." + +"But six in a letter is much smaller than six of us like this; and when +they see our luggage----" + +"Let's go back," I suggested, suddenly nervous. To be five guests of the +guest of a man you have never met is delicate work. + +At this critical moment Archie assumed command. He is a Captain in the +Yeomanry and has tackled bigger jobs than this in his time. + +"We must get ourselves into proper order," he said. "Simpson, the villa +has been lent to _you_; you must go first. Dahlia and I come next. When +we arrive you will introduce us as your friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mannering. +Then turning to Myra you say, 'Mr. Mannering's sister; and this,' you +add, 'is her husband.' Then--er--Thomas----" + +"It will be difficult to account for Thomas," I said. + +"Thomas comes at the end. He hangs back a little at first; and then if +he sees that there is going to be any awkwardness about him, he can +pretend he's come on the wrong night, and apologise and go home again." + +"If Thomas goes, I go," said Myra dramatically. + +"I have another idea," I said. "Thomas hides here for a bit. We +introduce ourselves and settle in, and have lunch; and after lunch we +take a stroll in the garden, and to our great surprise discover Thomas. +'Thomas,' we say, '_you_ here? Dear old chap, we thought you were in +England. How splendid! Where are you staying? Oh, but you must stop with +_us_; we can easily have a bed put up for you in the garage.' And +then----" + +"Not after lunch," said Thomas; "before lunch." + +"Don't all be so silly," smiled Dahlia. "They'll wonder what has +happened to us if we wait any longer. Besides, the men will be here with +the luggage directly. Come along." + +"Samuel," said Archie, "forward." + +In our new formation we marched up, Simpson excited and rehearsing to +himself the words of introduction, we others outwardly calm. At a range +of ten yards he opened fire. "How do you do?" he beamed. "Here we all +are! Isn't it a lovely----" + +The cook-housekeeper, majestic but kindly, came forward with +outstretched hand and welcomed him volubly--in French. The other three +ladies added their French to hers. There was only one English body on +the loggia. It belonged to a bull-dog. The bull-dog barked loudly at +Simpson in English. + +There was no "Cook's homme" to save Simpson this time. But he rose to +the occasion nobly. The scent of the mimosa inspired him. + +"_Merci_," he said, "_Merci. Oui, n'est ce pas_? Delightful. Er--these +are--_ces sont mes amis._ Er--Dahlia, come along--er, _Monsieur et +Madame Mannering_--er--Myra, _la soeur de Monsieur_--- er--where are +you, old chap?--_le mari de la soeur de Monsieur._ Er--Thomas--er----" +(he was carried away by memories of his schoolboy French), "_le frère du +jardinier_--er----" He wheeled round and saw me; introduced me again; +introduced Myra as my wife, Archie as her brother, and Dahlia as +Archie's wife; and then with a sudden inspiration presented Thomas +grandly as "_le beau-père du petit fils de mes amis Monsieur et Madame +Mannering._" Thomas seemed more assured of his place as Peter's +godfather than as the brother of the gardener. + +There were four ladies; we shook hands with all of them. It took us a +long time, and I doubt if we got it all in even so, for twice I found +myself shaking hands with Simpson. But these may have been additional +ones thrown in. It was over at last, and we followed the staff indoors. + +And then we had another surprise. It was broken to us by Dahlia, who, at +Simpson's urgent request, took up the position of lady of the house, and +forthwith received the flowing confidence of the housekeeper. + +"Two of us have to sleep outside," she said. + +"Where?" we all asked blankly. + +We went on to the loggia again, and she pointed to a little house almost +hidden by olive-trees in a corner of the garden below us. + +"Oh, well, that's all right," said Archie. "It's on the estate. Thomas, +you and Simpson won't mind that a bit, will you?" + +"We can't turn Samuel out of his own house," said Myra indignantly. + +"We aren't turning him; he wants to go. But, of course, if you and your +young man would like to live there instead----" + +Myra looked at me eagerly. + +"It would be rather fun," she said. "We'd have another little honeymoon +all to ourselves." + +"It wouldn't really be a honeymoon," I objected. "We should always be +knocking up against trippers in the garden, Archies and Samuels and +Thomases and what not. They'd be all over the place." + +Dahlia explained the domestic arrangements. The honeymooners had their +little breakfast in their own little house, and then, joined the others +for the day at about ten. + +"Or eleven," said Thomas. + +"It would be rather lovely," said Myra thoughtfully. + +"Yes," I agreed; "but have you considered that---- Come over this way a +moment, where Thomas and Simpson can't hear, while I tell you some of +the disadvantages." + +I led her into a quiet corner and suggested a few things to her which I +hoped would not occur to the other two. + +_Item_: That if it was raining hard at night it would be beastly. +_Item_: That if you suddenly found you'd left your pipe behind it would, +be rotten. _Item:_ That if, as was probable, there wasn't a proper +bathroom in the little house, it would be sickening. _Item_: That if she +had to walk on muddy paths in her evening shoes, it would be---- + +At this point Myra suddenly caught the thread of the argument. We went +back to the others. + +"We think," said Myra, "it would be perfectly heavenly in the little +house; but----" She hesitated. + +"But at the same time," I said, "we think it's up to Simpson and Thomas +to be English gentlemen. Samuel, it's your honour." + +There was a moment's silence. + +"Come along," said Thomas to Simpson, "let's go and look at it." + + * * * * * + +After lunch, clean and well-fed and happy, we lay in deck-chairs on the +loggia and looked lazily down at the Mediterranean. + +"Thank you, Samuel, for bringing us," said Dahlia gently. "Your friends +must be very fond of you to have lent you this lovely place." + +"Not fonder than we are," said Myra, smiling at him. A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE COMPLEAT POLICEMAN."] + +(_A new schedule has, we understand, been issued to the Force, entitled +"Hints for Police employed on Traffic Duty."_) + +"THE REGULATION OF TRAFFIC, SO AS TO PREVENT OBSTRUCTION OR ACCIDENT, +REQUIRES TACT." + +[Illustration: "NEVER GET FLUSTERED OR ANNOYED," AND] + +[Illustration: "KEEP A LOOK-OUT FOR THE CARRIAGES OF PRIVILEGED +PERSONS]."] + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Sketch_, in its search for a White Hope, says:-- + + "Who will be the next world's champion?" + +The writer must wait till he gets to the next world; we hope he is in no +hurry. + + * * * * * + + "Ex (Exmouth).--There is an easy way to tell if a diamond is + genuine. Make a small dot on a piece of paper with a lead pencil + and look at it through the diamond. If it shows but a single dot + the diamond is genuine."--_Tit-Bits._ + +We cordially invite the writer to come and look at dots through our +Bouverie Street windows. We will then sell him the lot for a million +pounds. + + * * * * * + + "Oxford rowed a bridge trial from Barnes to Hammersmith yesterday + morning on a fast ebb. It was good, but not good enough considering + the conditions, for everything was in their favour, the amount of + land water in the river making the tide a fast one and the wind + being at their backs."--_Daily Mail._ + +Our contemporary must make up its mind which way the crew sits before +the day of the race. + + * * * * * + + "This was Inman's last opportunity, as Reece, in his next hand, ran + to his points with a great break of 202. He failed at an easy red + winner, and after Inman had missed a simple shot Reece ran out." + + _Times._ + + _REECE (after reaching his points with a great break of 202)_: Have + another shot, INMAN, old man. Hard luck! Now I really _must_ go. + [_Exit at a run._ + + * * * * * + + DEAR MR. PUNCH,--While idly looking over _Chambers' Dictionary_ I + came across the Christian name "Herbert," and noticed that it meant + "The Glory of the Army." This aroused my curiosity, and I thought I + should pursue the matter further by looking up the meaning of his + other name. You may judge my surprise when I found that "Henry" + meant "Home Ruler," and was given in these exact words. After this + Mr. ASQUITH'S dogged determination to carry Home Rule is readily + understood. He is a child of destiny. + + I am, etc., KISMET. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor (to old Appleby dame whose son his been eaten by +cannibals in the South Sea Islands)._ "I AM SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR THIS +BAD NEWS ABOUT YOUR SON. CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE IT HAPPENED?" + +_Dame._ "NAY, A DON'T RIGHTLY KNAA. IT WAS SOOMWHAR BELOW KENDAL."] + + * * * * * + +DANCERS DAY BY DAY. + +_March 18._--A telegram from Tipperusalem, Oklahoma, states that Madame +Titipoff, as the result of partaking of tinned oysters at supper, is +suffering from acute ptomaine poisoning, and will, at the most +favourable estimate, be unable to dance for another six months. + +_March 19._--Authoritative cables from Sydney convey the distressing +intelligence that M. Gordkin is suffering from a complete nervous +breakdown. His temperature has never been below 117 for the last week, +and his pulse varies from 240 to 260. The doctors take a serious view of +his case, and all his engagements have been cancelled. + +_March 20._--At Dundee last night, Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff, while dancing +at the Corybantic Music Hall, slipped on a patch of marmalade which had +been inadvertently allowed to remain on the stage, and fractured both +her kneecaps. It is feared that the famous _ballerina_ will not be able +to fulfil her engagements in Aberdeen next month. + +_March 21._--Latest advices from Tipperusalem give a reassuring account +of Madame Titipoff's progress. On Thursday she was allowed to sit up for +half an hour, and she ate a beefsteak with evident zest. On learning +that the canned oyster vendor had been tarred and feathered, Madame +Titipoff at once announced her intention of dancing on the following +night. + +_March 22._--A despatch just received from M. Gordkin's agent at Sydney +announces that the famous artist's temperature is now normal and his +pulse steady at 60. The cause of his recent trivial indisposition was a +hostile criticism in a local paper, but with the dismissal of the critic +the incident is now regarded as closed, and M. Gordkin will resume his +saltatorial activities in a day or two. + +_March 23._--The news of Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff's accident happily turns +out to have been exaggerated. Her kneecaps were not fractured, but two +hairpins became detached from her chevelure while she was performing a +protracted pirouette. The famous _danseuse_ is rehearsing a new galvanic +dance, and marmalade shares are again firm. + + * * * * * + + "It is learned officially that Their Excellencies are delighted + with the climate, which appears to agree with Lady Chalmers, as + well as with the scenery." + + _The Ceylon Morning Leader._ + +Of course it has known the scenery longer. + + * * * * * + +STANZAS WRITTEN IN DEJECTION BEFORE MATRIMONY. + +(_A complaint has been voiced in the Press that uncommon wedding +presents are getting much too common._) + + We fixed our hymeneal day, + Bespoke our nuptial cates + And summoned to the solemn fray + The necessary glum array + Of kin and intimates. + + And the more part in their degree + Gave gladly gifts of pride, + Tall silver ships, complete with sea, + And birds of aureate filigree, + Pearl-winged and opal-eyed. + + Sheffield they gave, a grievous load, + And Chelsea, flower'd and spruce, + And antique thingummies in spode; + The only thing that none bestowed + Was anything of use. + + Fled is the hope we built too soon + Of some sub-tropic trek; + Farewell, O azure honeymoon, + The dull but necessary spoon + Claims the paternal cheque. + + * * * * * + +Our Latest Cinema Poster. + + "WHEN THE EARTH TREMBLED + For six days at great expense." + +The longest earthquake on record. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEPTUNE'S ALLY. + +(_The FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY calls in a new element to redress the +balance of the old._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ULSTER, DAY BY DAY: MONDAY. + +"Now, gents, what offers for this really prime Irish pig? Guaranteed by +Mr. DEVLIN. You may examine its points as soon as you've bought it." [No +business.]] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 16._--The WINSOME WINSTON, sauntering +in from behind SPEAKER'S Chair when Questions had advanced some way, +startled by strident cheer from Ministerialists and Irish Nationalists. +Opposition angrily replied. FIRST LORD, faintly blushing, found +anchorage on Treasury Bench. Unpremeditated outburst of enthusiasm meant +as welcome back from Bradford, where he reviewed political situation +with force and frankness that recalled his father's platform speeches +delivered in his prime. Demonstration repeated when later he rose to +answer question concerning his department. Fresh storm of cheering from +Ministerialists responded to by defiant shouts from Opposition. + +WINSTON evidently the man of the moment. + +PRIME MINISTER, happily refreshed by week-end holiday, finds himself +faced by crowd wanting to know all sorts of things that might happen +concurrently with, or subsequent to, proposed temporary exclusion of +parts of Ulster from operation of Home Rule Bill. There were twenty-six +Questions. Assuming minimum number of Supplementaries, there would have +been at least one hundred. + +To amazement and vexation of earnest seekers after truth, the twenty-six +querists discovered that they were being bowled over faster than +commonplace nine-pins. As NORMAN CRAIG breathlessly complained, the +PREMIER, having answered a question, did not, as is his custom of an +afternoon, resume his seat, and thus provide opportunity for +supplementary questioner. + +This was his method: Taking in hand a sheet of manuscript he recited, +"Number 45. This is a hypothetical question. Indeed, it involves no +fewer than three hypotheses. Numbers 57, 64 and 72 are in the same +category." + +Before you knew where you were, bang went four questions. Member after +Member rose to protest. The PREMIER babbled on like the brook. + +"The answer to number 46 and to the first part of 70 is in the negative. +The answer to number 48 is in the affirmative. Number 49 in the +negative. I proceed to number 52." + +Members held their breath. What could he say about 52? Evidently he +meant to treat it in different fashion. + +"Number 52," he continued in the same level voice, as if he were reading +catalogue at picture sale, "refers to a small matter which can easily be +provided for." + +Here was batch of another five questions disposed of in barely more than +as many seconds. And to think of all the industry and ingenuity bestowed +upon the preparation of this succession of pitfalls designed for the +engulfing of a ruthless Minister and the dislocation of an iniquitous +Bill! + +Situation capped by PREMIER'S refusal to be drawn into minute +description of adjustments, financial and administrative, consequent on +adoption of his proposed amendment of Home Rule Bill. If general +principle were accepted, the rest would follow. If not, why waste time +and divert discussion from main issue to subsidiary and incidental +details? After beating in vain against the indomitable rock standing at +the Table, BONNER LAW, on behalf of enraged Opposition, gave notice of +vote of censure. What day will be given for discussion? he asked. + +"The earliest possible date," replied the imperturbable PREMIER. + +Here episode ended. Its eruption made it clear that hope of settlement +on grounds prepared a week ago to-day has vanished. + +_Business done._--Notice from Front Opposition Bench of vote of censure +on Ministers. + +_Tuesday._--POLE-CAREW had rather a bad time of it. Attacked in sharp +succession by land and sea. Began at Question time. He merely asked +whether two divisions and the cavalry brigade in Ireland, which took +part in manoeuvres last year, weren't rather a scrubby lot of immature +boys unfit for public service. To quote exact phrase--"whether the +physical appearance of the men was unsatisfactory; and whether the +effect of the trooping season was to increase the number of immature +boys unfit for active service?" + +SEELY wrathfully replied in the negative. + +"I must," he added, "profess my astonishment that the hon. and gallant +gentleman should seek by means of suggestions such as are contained in +this question to discourage and belittle the British soldier, to whom he +owes so much." + +A loud cheer sent home this rebuke. + +Worse still when POLLY put out to sea and came athwart the FIRST LORD. +All he sought was information as to whether the FIRST SEA LORD, having +publicly alluded to the danger of relying exclusively on the fleet to +protect the country from invasion, "subsequently went back on his word." + +"A most insulting and unfair remark," said WINSTON. "It will," he +continued, "do nothing but harm if the Navy think the Chiefs whom they +honour and respect are to be subjected to offensive personal attacks of +this character directed against them by ex-military men who have gone +into politics." + +"Only let me have five minutes with him, Mr. DEPUTY SPEAKER," said the +ex-military man nervously turning up his coat cuffs. + +[Illustration: A TRIFLE THIN. + +_WINSTON takes refuge behind REGINALD._] + +[On several points connected with the Navy Estimates Mr. CHURCHILL +claimed that the responsibility rested with his predecessor at the +Admiralty.]] + +Getting dangerously close to eleven o'clock, at which hour debate, if +continued, must automatically close. WINSTON punctilious in leaving the +five minutes demanded. POLE-CAREW'S retort perhaps scarcely up to +occasion. + +[Illustration: ON THE WARPATH AGAINST THE CHARTERED COMPANY. + +Alarming outbreak in MacNeilliland.] + +"I can only say," he remarked, "that the SECRETARY FOR WAR and the FIRST +LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY are worthy to sit on the same bench as the +CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER." + +_Business done._--FIRST LORD explained his Naval policy. + +_Thursday._--SWIFT MACNEILL introduces new Parliamentary formula. +Discussing on Civil Service Vote state of things in Rhodesia as +dominated by the Chartered Company he was interrupted by remark from +ORMSBY-GORE. + +Throwing back his head with lofty scorn, and making a few windmill +passages with his arms, Member for Donegal said, "I am not going to be +interrupted by any gentleman of the House of Cecil." + +Had this determination been announced by ordinary Member it would not +have possessed importance likely to affect future course of debate. But +SWIFT MACNEILL is justly recognised as one of the highest authorities on +the science and practice of Parliamentary procedure. If he is able to +support his contention, that a Member may of his free will, in exercise +of his mature judgment, divide the House into groups of families (as if +they were counties of Ulster) and say, "I will not be interrupted by +this one or that," whilst it would have useful effect in curtailing +proceedings would obviously require nice discrimination. + +There are in the present House several family names represented by +various Members, not all sitting on same side of House. To take a single +example, there are the WILSONS. Like the family of the child with whom +WORDSWORTH conversed, they are seven. If SWIFT MACNEILL'S precedent be +established, a Member rising to continue debate might, by way of +preface, remark, "I am not going to be interrupted by any gentleman of +the House of Wilson." + +In this particular case A. S. WILSON, whose contributions to debate are +exclusively interjectionary, would be cut off from the exercise of a +talent that frequently enlivens a sitting. + +SWIFT MACNEILL'S own case is not free from difficulty. The SPEAKER is "a +gentleman of the House of Cecil." Is he henceforward to be debarred from +interrupting the Member for Donegal by calls to order? + +[Illustration: ULSTER DAY BY DAY: THURSDAY. + +Sir EDWARD CARSON. "My train leaves Euston in thirty minutes. We meet at +Philippi."] + +_Business done._--BONNER LAW, master of Parliamentary tactics, obliged +Government by moving vote of censure. Challenge hilariously accepted. +Great muster of Ministerialists. On division what was meant as vote of +censure was practically turned into vote of confidence, carried amid +enthusiastic cheering by majority of 93 in House of 597 Members. + + * * * * * + +Golfing Enquiry. + + "Can any reader say whether a coloured attached ribbon (6ft. of + 1/2in. red) is allowable by the game, merely as an aid in locating + the flying ball."--_English Mechanic._ + +_Answer._ Yes. So is a gramophone (2ft. by 3ft.), and it is more +certain. + + * * * * * + + "A red or black sash round the waist, and a navy blue straw hat + with ribbon to match, would be a most attractive little frock for a + warm spring day."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +But it must be a _warm_ spring day. + + * * * * * + +A TRIUMPH OF THINNESS. + +HERBERT is one of those troublesome men who are always asking why I +don't what he calls "buckle to" and make some money. But his latest +suggestion was his maddest, and I think that I got out of it rather +neatly. For Herbert is a determined fellow from whom you can't escape +until you have promised quite a lot and sometimes even had actually to +do something. + +"Do you want two hundred pounds?" he bounced in upon me and said. + +"Who doesn't?" I replied. + +"Well, here you are then. It's as easy as falling off a ladder. Only a +little industry required;" and he threw a paper on to my table. + +I spread it out and saw: "One Thousand Cash Prizes amounting to £1,000. +First Prize £200. All you have to do is to make as many words as you can +out of 'JENKINS' GLORIOUS GUM.'" + +"Thanks," I said; "this isn't intended for really thoughtful people." + +At this, however, he merely sniffed and pulled a fountain-pen from his +pocket. + +"I'll make a start," he said; "'gin' one; 'niggle'--that's rather +good--two; 'mug' three." But after that his mind seemed to wander, and +he added rather feebly, "and so on. It's ridiculously easy when you have +a dictionary. Will you try?" + +"No," I replied, and a fierce argument followed. + +But just as he was getting really angry my eye fell upon a condition +that I had overlooked. "Ten pounds," I saw, "will be awarded to the +competitor whose envelope is opened first." + +"I'll go in," I said, and Herbert replied, "Good egg, I'll bet you win. +Don't forget 'mug.'" + +"No, I won't forget 'mug'," I assured him as he left, for his last word +had given me an idea. + +Solemnly I sat down in front of "JENKINS' GLORIOUS GUM" and saw at once +that my word would do. In two minutes "Juggins" had been put into a very +large envelope all by himself, and I was out of work again. + +But the part that you won't believe has to come. + +I won the £10--I did really. Among the multitude of fat envelopes +bulging with words, my thin "Juggins" simply insisted upon being opened +first. The thousands of chartered accountants assembled for the counting +almost fought for him, he was nearly torn in two in their desire to +begin with what looked like an easy one--or so I like to imagine the +scene. But Herbert is insufferably proud of himself. + + * * * * * + +THE SPECTRUM. + + According to the Ladies' Press, + Who would be really smart must dress + + In crimson puce or purple hair: + My Phyllis doesn't leave it there, + + But less than ever doth she seem + Content with Nature's colour-scheme. + + Her brow is scarlet; week by week + New tints bedeck her maiden cheek. + + (To-day they wear the pleasing hue + Which Fashion calls "electric" blue, + + And, when their owner's startled, show + A healthy blush of indigo.) + + Her sense of artistry appears + In what she does about her ears; + + With colours of the naval sort + She marks the starboard from the port. + + Her lips are lemon; underneath + Appear her willow-pattern teeth. + + * * * * * + + But when, to serve another end, + She threatened to adopt a blend + + Of tints with which I cannot cope-- + The green and white and heliotrope, + + "You know," said I, "your business best; + Myself, I lose all interest. + + In other words, it may be said, + My love for you is frankly dead." + + "Alas," she answered, "and alack!" ... + Her nose is now in mourning (black). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION."] + + * * * * * + +NEW FEUILLETON. BEGIN IT TO-DAY. + +JOSEPH LATE-USHER. + +By CLEVER MAURICE. + + +CHARACTERS IN THE STORY. + +THE DUCHESS OF KIMBERLEY (Ruby), a svelte aquiline-nosed woman of some +forty summers, with green hair and two aigrettes. She has been a widow +for a lonely decade. + +THE EARL OF JOBURG, her son Guy, aged thirteen, who is about to go to a +public school, where he will be kidnapped for ransom. + +LORD ARTHUR BOOBITRAPP, his uncle, who discusses the question of the +school with the Duchess. Lord Arthur is in favour of Eton, as he wishes +Guy to be a wet Bob and captain the cricket eleven; whereas the Duchess, +having a penchant for yellow stockings, favours Christ's Hospital. In +the end they compromise, and the boy is sent to a small private school +in Bermondsey, where the chief usher is + +JOSEPH LATE, a superb creature with a wonderful personality. Joseph not +only ushes the school but loves the Duchess with a consuming love, and a +year after Guy has been at the school and defied all efforts to kidnap +him he tells the Duchess of the inflamed state of his cardiac penumbra. +No sooner has he done this than he trembles all over at the presumption +of a poor usher thus daring to address a Duchess; but the Duchess falls +in his arms, for beneath her aigrettes she is woman too. + +MR. VERTIGO applies for the post of science master at the school, and, +having seen Late kill a man many years before and escape punishment, +gets it. Every time you see Vertigo's name you may expect trouble. + +DICK BOOBITRAPP is a kidnapper and a confederate of Vertigo. + +DR. SAUNDERSON is a kidnapper under the guise of a writer of +prescriptions. + +In spite of all precautions, such as employing only detectives as +servants of the school, Guy is kidnapped. The Duchess and Joseph Late +hurry to Spain to seek him, not because they know him to be there, but +because Spain is a likely romantic country. + + * * * * * + +CHAPTER CCCXLVIII. + +"Tell me the worst," said the Duchess in strong ringing tones, all the +mother coming out in her anguish. + +But the reply came in unfamiliar tones. + +Looking up, she observed that her usher had disappeared, and in his +place was the detested Vertigo. + +_To be continued--but not here._] + + * * * * * + +AT THE GATES OF THE WEST. + + +SCENE--_The New York landing pier of the Ocean Palace Line, crowded with +passengers and their luggage from the R.M.S. "Gargantuan."_ + +TIME--_About five and a-half hours earlier than ours._ + +_Mr. Horace Rutherford Penfold (the last thing in novelists, surrounded +by New York pressmen)_: "Glad to see you, boys! Delighted to see you! +_What!_ Was I hiding from you behind my luggage? What an absolutely +absurd idea! The whole way across I've been eagerly looking forward to +meeting you gentlemen of the most go-ahead, most enlightened Press on +earth! Yes, it's my first visit to your great country. The dream of my +life is now realised. Yes, of course I'm rejoiced that my novel, _The +Love of a Hop-Picker_, has taken its place among the 'best sellers' on +this side. Yes, people are good enough to say I've broken quite new +ground in making the hop-fields the scene of a novel; the critics say my +word-pictures of the hop-poles are 'absolutely luscious'; and they +pronounce _Ozias_, the hop-picker, 'a giant of artistic creation.' Yes, +my novel is one of the twenty which in the last six months have been +called 'epoch-making' and have been said to 'stand quite alone in modern +fiction.' No doubt the hop-field will now be exploited by other writers, +until in time it will become as hackneyed as the desert. + +"Yes, this is my first visit to your wonderful country. I am here to +superintend the rehearsals of the dramatised form of _The Love of a +Hop-Picker._ Naturally I am a little nervous, for to please a New York +audience is the playwright's dream of heaven. And then, of course, _The +Love of a Hop-Picker_ is not only utterly English in atmosphere, but +also peculiarly _Kentish_. Still, with such a brilliantly intelligent, +marvellously sympathetic public as yours, I don't despair of bringing +the hop-poles over the footlights, so to say. + +"Yes, gentlemen, I have a wife, and I've not forgotten to bring her +sworn affidavit that my coming without her is quite regular and in +order, because, though Ellis Island's a delightful place, no doubt, +still, I want to go into your great Empire city 'right away,' as you +say. Here it is: 'I declare that I, Agatha Mary Rutherford Penfold, and +my dear husband, Horace Rutherford Penfold, are a perfectly united and +affectionate couple; that his journey to the United States is taken with +my entire approval, and that I should have accompanied him but for being +an extremely bad sailor and afraid of storms at sea. (Signed) AGATHA +MARY RUTHERFORD PENFOLD. Sworn to in the presence of--' and so forth. +Yes, certainly, gentlemen, copy it by all means. + +"No, I never heard of any literary talent showing itself in our family +before. My father was interested in the retail meat industry; _his_ +father was interested in the retail bread industry; and _his_ father +turned his attention to the making of candlesticks. + +"My impressions as I crossed? Well, I couldn't help remarking, ill as I +felt, that, as we neared the shores of the New World, the waves took on +better and more imposing shapes, the wind blew more smartly, and at +night the stars seemed brighter and more numerous, and the clouds +appeared to form themselves into stripes! Yes, this is my first +experience of a zero temperature. The air is deliciously fresh: one +seems to breathe in freedom with it. Well, perhaps I am a little cold, +but that is because I have been waiting an hour and a-half _en queue_ +for a permit allowing me to have my luggage examined; and then, you see, +gentlemen, I haven't the fur coat I bought specially for this visit; the +Customs people have taken it away, and also the evening clothes I had +made by Pond just before I left; so that I'm afraid I shan't be able to +accept the very kind invitations I received by wireless to dine with the +Brainy Broadway Boys to-night, and to-morrow night with the Chocktaw +Club. + +"What do I think of feminine New York? Why, of course, I think her the +prettiest, cleverest, best-dressed portion of feminine humanity, and +with an added charm--a New Yorkiness which is absolutely indescribable. +No, I haven't met any of her yet, my knowledge of New York being at +present limited to this wonderful landing pier, your greatly gifted +Customs officials, and the brilliantly intelligent subordinates of your +world-renowned Express Company. + +"What do I think of Mexican affairs? Well, gentlemen, it seems to me +that only _Mexicans_ can make themselves really at home in Mexico, and +that other people had better not try to live there--if living is their +object. + +"Yes, here is my photo and my wife's photo; my father's +photo; my grandfather's daguerreotype; a black profile of my +great-grandfather--certainly, gentlemen, I shall be only too pleased and +proud to have them all reproduced in your scintillating, pulsating +journals. So long, boys! Delighted to have met you." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Distressed Mother._ "'E'S BEEN AN ORFUL TRIAL TO ME EVER +SINCE THEM PITCHER PALACES BEGAN. FIRST 'E WAS SHOOTIN' AT THE FOWLS, +AN' NOW 'E'S PINCHIN' MY WOOLLY MATS TER PUT ON 'IS LEGS."] + + * * * * * + +A Mirdite Melody. + +[The Mirdite Chief Prenk Bib Doda has joined the first Albanian +Cabinet.] + + Great is the Gaeckwar of BARODA; + Great too was MARCHAND at Fashoda; + Great is good brandy blent with soda; + But, as a culminating _coda_, + Greater by far is PRENK BIB DODA. + + * * * * * + +From a list of work for Trials at Eton:-- + +"Acts xxi--xxvii (_not_ Ch. xxviii)." + +So Smith _mi._ had already guessed, but none the less the prohibition +came as a great disappointment to him. + + * * * * * + + "The country between the Gamana and Katsena Rivers was inhabited by + Zumperi pagans, who were cannibals and lived on hill + tops."--_Times._ + +Thus differing from some of the inhabitants of Golders Green, who are +vegetarians and live on turnip-tops. + + * * * * * + +ONCE ONE. + + ["Caroline Cloan clawed suddenly at Slew's eyes. But for a quick + movement on his part it might have been very serious. He had only + one eye, and could not afford to lose the sight of it."--"_Daily + Mirror" Serial._] + + Keen are the claws of _Carrie Cloan_, + Rampant her mood. The eye of _Slew_ + Is one in number; she alone, + Blinded by passion, makes it two. + + She's out for eyes, and cannot tarry + To ponder arithmetic laws. + And what is the result? Miss _Carrie_ + Claws _Slew_; _Slew_ slews; Miss _Carrie's_ claws + + Miscarry, and the eye is his. + Rough on poor _Caroline_, no doubt; + But there--the moral of it is, + First count your eye, then have it out. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ACT I. _"Guvnor" (dismissing office-boy)_. "YOU'VE +NEGLECTED YOUR WORK," ETC. ETC. "THAT'S MY MOTTO AND EVIDENTLY NOT +YOURS. TAKE A WEEK'S NOTICE."] + +[Illustration: ACT II. (_a week elapses_). THE OFFICE-BOY'S FAREWELL.] + + * * * * * + +LONDON'S LINKS WITH THE PAST. + + +When I was a child I had the signal honour of being seated upon the knee +of an old lady whose great-great-great-great-uncle once shook hands with +a man whose grandfather remembered seeing green fields at the spot which +is now covered by Carmelite House. How short is the history of the +Metropolis! + +Everybody, of course, is aware that Professor Joff committed one of his +notorious "howlers" when he derived "Carmelite"--in the street +name--from "Cromwell's Heights." The latter, needless to say, must have +been a deal nearer the South Kensington Museum than Whitefriars, famed +for its sanctuary. CROMWELL _may_ have wandered in the meadows (if they +still existed in his day) where the 6.30 _News_ now leaps from its +machines every afternoon about half-past five; he may even (as Plip and +Johnstone surmise, in their ponderous tomes, _Odd Corners in London_ and +_More and Odder Corners in London_) have supped at the Pig and +Mortarboard, which stood on what is now the site of the Ludgate Hill +station booking-office (Plip, by-the-by, wrongly says not the +booking-office, but the "book_stall_," an amazing error in one usually +so careful). But whatever else CROMWELL did or did not do, he certainly +never gave his name to any district further east than Knightsbridge. + +I flatter myself that Professor Joff's preposterous surmises were +finally silenced by my monograph, _A Hundred Queer Things about Bouverie +Street._ Curiously enough I wrote this with a pencil borrowed from a +friend whose aunt once caught sight, as a girl, of a prisoner being +taken to the Old Bailey to be tried for murder. That prisoner was the +notorious Budgingham. And now comes the interesting part of the story. +Budgingham, as transpired at the trial, had bigamously married the +step-daughter of a man whose godfather's mother's cousin's +great-grandmother remembered hearing the bells of Bow Church tolling on +the day when Henri de Bouverie landed in England to attend the funeral +of his niece, the beautiful Mrs. Coop. + +London's history is indeed crowded, though (to the antiquarian) oddly +short in its perspective. Next week, having sketched the romantic career +of Henri de Bouverie (concerning whom Professor Joff has made several +incredible mistakes), I shall give a still more startling example of the +links which lead us so abruptly to the antechambers of what we might +have supposed to be the dim and distant past. The Metropolis, to anyone +who appreciates historical research and can write as easily as I can, is +a gold-mine; fortunately few pressmen realise its possibilities, and +that of an _Index Rerum_, as I do. If, as I anticipate, this article is +printed and paid for with the usual eagerness and a series ordered, +nothing can stop me---- [Wait and see.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +Our Gallery of Happy Phrases. I. + + "Mr. Tooth, whose name was in everybody's mouth a generation or so + ago." + + _Dublin Daily Express._ + + * * * * * + +POINTS OF VIEW. + + +If you are the sort of person who likes detail and accuracy, who can +always tell where the north is even in a strange house (there _are_ +people like this; I met one the other day), and--this generally goes +with it--are good at geography, you had better skip this article. It +might annoy you. But if you like DEBUSSY, and like watching the sun +shine through a mist, and have no bump of locality, and hate being shown +over ruins, you are the sort of person I am, and you will sympathise +with me. + +My trouble is this. Whenever I go to stay in the country I am always +sooner or later taken a walk, generally a long one, to the highest hill +they happen to have, and there I am shown a view. Not that I would mind +if they left it at that, but they don't. One's host generally seems to +have an absurd pride in some distant church, or gap in a hill "through +which on fine days you can see the sea"; but even if he hasn't he will +_always_--if you happen to be in the south of England--point out a patch +of trees like a small piece of black sticking-plaster and tell you that +that is Chanctonbury Ring. I never escape Chanctonbury Ring, though I +have often gone far, even refused invitations, to avoid it. Once in +Yorkshire--but nobody ever will believe that story, though I never +pretended it was the same Ring. What I said was that there may be two of +the same name, or even more: like Richmond, for instance. + +"Do you see that hill over there?" he begins. I look where he is +pointing and see three. "No, not that one," and he comes behind me and +points over my shoulder. "Follow my finger," he says, and I follow it +and see a perfectly flat field. But he has to be humoured, and anyhow +there is lunch to be thought of. + +"Yes, yes, _I_ see," I reply hastily, with a touch of "How stupid of +me!" in my voice. + +"Well, carry your eye along the valley on its left, over the white +house"--this is the only place where there is no white house for +miles--"and along the strip of road. See the strip of road?" ("See the +strip of road!" I've been lost in a bog for ages.) "Well, right up as +far as you can see, following that road and a little to the right, do +you see a patch of trees?" + +When he says "patch of trees," I know. + +"Chanctonbury Ring," I say brightly. At any rate, _that's_ finished. + +"Yes; how did you know?" he asks disappointedly. + +Brute that I am! Why didn't I let him say it? + +Only once, as far as I can remember, was I wrong. It was in the +Cotswolds and we were in a garden, on the side of a hill. From the +terrace outside the house was a magnificent view. My host strolled up. +"Pity it's so misty," he said. (I had just been thinking how lovely it +looked.) "On a fine day, you know, we can see----" + +"_Not_ Chanctonbury Ring?" I said pleadingly. + +He looked puzzled. + +"Tewkesbury,", he said rather coldly, and soon afterwards strolled away +again. + +There are only a very few people whose sympathy one feels sure of when +one confides troubles to them such as this Ring-finding one of mine. Of +the very few I feel surest of my Uncle Edward, so I thought I would tell +him about it when I went to stay with him a little while ago. + +"By the by," I said, as we laboured breathlessly up a hill--he lives in +Surrey--"have you ever noticed ... when you're staying with people +anywhere in the South of England ... and they take you for a walk ... +they always, sooner or later----" + +"Just wait a minute," he said as we reached the top. "Ah yes, I thought +you could"--he was smiling happily at something. "I wanted to show you +before we went on--just over there----" I waited. Somehow the words +seemed familiar. "See that dark patch right over there, on the furthest +hill? Well, that's Chanctonbury Ring." + +"Yes, you can only see it on a fine day," I replied bitterly. + + * * * * * + +TIME'S REVENGE. + + ["Professor Karl Pearson delivered a public Galton Memorial Lecture + at the Francis Galton Laboratory for National Eugenics, University + College, on "The Handicapping of the First-born." There was, he + showed, a tendency for the first-born child to be lighter and + smaller than later-born children. On the whole there was a very + sensible bias against the first-born."--_Morning Post._] + + Pearson I sing of, eugenic and brainy, + Iconoclastic and fearless to dare. + Once I thought "eugenist" = "zany," + Now I know better and raise high in air + Bumpers Falernian, "Looking towards you." + Great be the glory the future awards you, + You that have given the first-born a cropper, + Bay-leaves immortal encircle your topper; + Though you're a scientist, you are no dry ass-- + I take off my hat to you, KARL, for I share + Your "very sensible bias." + + Long were we "minors" oppressed by our "major" + All our lives through since we started at school; + His was the limelight on every stage, or + His was the fire side and ours was the cool; + He got the ease of our ancestors' acres, + We had to haggle with butchers and bakers, + We had their bills to pay--his all the money; + Ours was but gall to drink--his tipple honey; + He was the "Purbeck" and we were the "Lias." + So we against Primogeniture's rule + Held very sensible bias. + + Fallen the idol, destroyed the oppressor! + Always we felt we were good as the rest, + Now from the mouth of K. PEARSON, Professor, + Hear we the truth that the younger are best. + Vanished the halo that shone round the first-born + Now that Eugenics proclaim him the worst born. + Praise, Younger Sons, our great KARL, who, new seas + Voyaging, found, like the old Portuguese, + Capes of Good Hope--our BARTHOLOMEW DIAZ. + Shout till the whole world hears clearly expressed + _Our_ very sensible bias. + + * * * * * + +More Commercial Candour. + +From an advertisement in _The Writers' and Artists' Year Book_, 1914, +announcing a forthcoming publication:-- + + "PHOTOGRAPHS FOR THE PAPERS HOW TO TAKE AND PLACE THEM + + BY JOHN EVERARD + + ROBABLE PRICE 1s. NET." + + * * * * * + + "As he spoke the Congress hushed its breathing, growing so still + that the flutter of a paper interrupted harshly."--_The Daily News._ + +But this of course could not go on for long, and you should have heard +it when it unhushed its breathing. + + * * * * * + + "O'Gara proved the saviour of Widnes, for, gathering the ball, he + kicked at least half a dozen players before he booted the ball." + + _Liverpool Echo._ + +The bidding for O'GARA by the clubs of the English League, when this +news gets about, should be sensational. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PLOT THAT FAILED. + +_Dear Old Lady._ "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING ON MY LAWN?" + +_Crafty Old Fraud._ "BLESS YER, KIND LADY! I'M THAT 'UNGRY I GOT TO EAT +GRASS." + +_Dear Old Lady._ "IF YOU GO ROUND TO THE BACK YOU'LL FIND THE GRASS +GROWS MUCH LONGER AND THICKER THERE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Murders, divorces, by-elections and new insurance schemes from time to +time occupy the most conspicuous columns of the daily Press and receive +our deep attention, but these things occur suddenly and are soon +forgotten. Civil war in Mexico preceded and outlives them all as a +matter of sensation, and the psychological moment in the career of that +other "distressful country" is interminable. How the revolutions began, +in what manner they continue and when they are likely to end, are +questions which agitate the minds of men when they read their morning +papers at breakfast, their evening papers after dinner and their reviews +over the week-end. It was obvious that some qualified student of affairs +should forget the events of the moment, visit Mexico at whatever risk to +himself, personally witness the internecine squabbles in progress, and, +if he was lucky enough to survive the experience, write up the matter in +a compact and entertaining volume for our better understanding of the +whole. Having regard to the present condition of the country as I now +understand it, I should say there was no rush of applications for the +job; certainly if my Editor should ask me to go out there and test the +accuracy of Mr. H. HAMILTON FYFE'S observations, as expressed in _The +Real Mexico: a Study on the Spot_ (HEINEMANN), I should at once discover +an important engagement to prevent my accepting his kind invitation. Mr. +FYFE'S narrative is, however, too graphic and his description too real +to admit of doubt; I am glad that there was no competition and his +subject has been left to be dealt with by the best man for the purpose. +Given the title of the book and the name of the author, there is no more +need of recommendation to the English public; but I beg Messrs. WILSON +and BRYAN (of the U.S.A.) to read, mark, learn and, if their physique is +capable of the feat, inwardly digest it. They should know, in glaring +detail, the ills general and individual resulting from what the American +resident in Mexico calls their "grape-juice" policy. + + * * * * * + +Four imprisonments of varying lengths, one of them including forcible +feeding, presumably give Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON a right to record her +experiences, and the chronicle she presents in _Prisons and Prisoners_ +(HEINEMANN) is telling through its very simplicity and directness. Such +a tale would be hardly likely to prove other than "an indictment of our +existing prison system" (as orators have it); but Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON +is careful to punctiliousness in her recognition of the kindness and +natural sympathy of many of the officials, even while she condemns the +rules and regulations which tend to cramp and stifle the gentler side of +human nature. Still, our prison system has had to stand a good deal of +attack before this. We should most of us be thankful to change it if we +knew how, and I need never despise hints in this direction. The interest +of the book, however, is by far the greatest when it is regarded as a +running commentary on the modern feminist movement. It is impossible to +read such a book seriously without feeling a strong admiration for the +courage, self-sacrifice and resolution it reflects, and at the same time +a quite appalling sense of waste. When a way has been found to apply to +the needs of our bewildered country the powers of such women as form the +heroines of Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON'S book, I for one shall not be +surprised if things begin to happen. But at present the results that +they have achieved, even upon their own showing and apart from all +criticism of methods, seem quite incommensurate with the amount of +trouble and pain. + + * * * * * + +In _The Custody of the Child_ (HUTCHINSON) Mr. PHILIP GIBBS has chosen a +difficult theme--the story of a broken home, told from the child's point +of view, and he has handled it like an artist. Of the three books into +which this biography of _Nicholas Barton_ is divided, the first is so +much the best that the second seems a little tame. This was, of course, +inevitable, for the first book is the thunderstorm, the second the +gentle rain which follows it. I have another reason for deriving +particular pleasure from the opening book, and that is that the scene is +laid in a Battersea Park flat. I have long since marked down Battersea +as one of London's most romantic neighbourhoods. To a child, the +curiously mingled intimacy and exclusiveness of life among the +cliff-dwellers of that long road facing the Park, where you drop your +toys out of your front garden (which house-agents call a balcony) and +see them impounded as legitimate gifts that have dropped from Heaven by +a perfect stranger in the front garden of the ground-floor flat, must be +a perpetual wonder. Mr. GIBBS has brought this out so persuasively that +I have shaken hands with him after each sentence. There is not an +incident in Book I. that is not exactly right. The rest of the story, +with its courageous avoidance of unmitigated happiness in the ending, +never fails to arrest, unless for a moment or so in the middle; but for +me at least the real charm of the volume lies in Book I. + + * * * * * + +"Let us try to avoid the detestable trick of sentimentality when dealing +with this beloved, presuming, gallant, unhappy man." So Mrs. EVAN NEPEAN +adjures us and herself; and it must be confessed that the warning was +needed. For the man was JAMES, Duke of MONMOUTH, a study of whom she has +written under the title of _On the Left of a Throne_ (LANE); and of all +the Stuarts he is the one about whom it is most difficult to avoid being +sentimental. Mrs. NEPEAN has perhaps just succeeded, but only just; and +we will agree, therefore, to call her style vividly enthusiastic. She is +quite frankly in love with MONMOUTH throughout. That wonderful, +dangerous beauty fascinates her; and who, looking at the delightful +portraits with which the book abounds, is going to blame her or anyone +else for yielding to its charm? One fortunate result of this attitude is +that the Fairy Prince of the seventeenth century lives again in the pages +of this fervent admirer as he would never have lived in those of a +colder historian. Dancing, riding, hunting, raking and fighting, we are +bound to feel about him much as old PEPYS did, who called him, in a +memorable and picturesque phrase, "skittish and leaping," and, for all +his righteous disapproval, admired with the best. "How he would have +loved flying!" is Mrs. NEPEAN'S very characteristic comment upon a +record of her hero's graceful activities. For one thing especially does +the writer of this study deserve gratitude. She dwells purposely as +little as possible upon the details of the rebellion; but she has made +it her duty to win back for MONMOUTH some of the credit for personal +courage of which popular history has been too ready to deprive him. Here +you may read how, after the short agony of nerves was over, he faced +death with a placid and untheatrical bravery, than which the long +records of the scaffold show nothing finer. It is a profoundly moving +end to a fascinating story. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS. + +THE MAN WHO TAKES IMPRESSIONS OF THE FOOTPRINTS OF FAMOUS AUTHORS.] + + * * * * * + +After reading _Two Women_ (METHUEN) I hope to avoid "girl bachelors" for +a very long time. They are, Mr. MAX PEMBERTON says, curious products of +the century, and I am not disposed to contradict him. In _Gertrude +Wynne's_ flat, "Debussy's music was open upon a miniature grand, and a +volume of Anatola France stood upon the marquetry table near the +fireplace"; but in _Doris Holt's_ room "an open piano had a song from a +revue upon it, while a translation of one of Paul de Koch's novels lay +upon the window-seat." That ought to give the key to their characters, +but if it does not, let me boldly add that _Gertrude_ was clever and +sedate, while _Doris_ was a queen of minxes. _Doris_, indeed, got +herself into a pretty mess with a vulgar philanderer called _Lord +Raymore_, and was justly punished by marrying him. This _Raymore_ man +despised politics, but all the same he had made up his mind to "win a +place in the Tory Cabinet, and to pose there as the new Disraeli," which +makes me think that Mr. PEMBERTON is occasionally funnier than he means +to be. Not until we get away from the girl bachelors and are off on a +spying expedition to Germany with _Captain Ainsworth_ does the story +grip. Then, however, things begin to happen, and the flight from the +German fortress, in which _Ainsworth_ had been imprisoned, is really +thrilling. In his next book I hope Mr. PEMBERTON will leave "curious +products" alone and let us have an extra dose of adventure to make up +for the meagre allowance contained in _Two Women_. + + * * * * * + + "It is far more important to have the right style in the country + than in town. Men don't want their women to wear something that + will frighten the birds away. Nothing cheap or badly cut ought ever + to be worn in the country." + + _Vanity Fair and Hearth & Home._ + +_The birds_: "We really cannot stay to be shot to-day, the women are +wearing such cheap clothes." + + * * * * * + +Close of an essay by a small girl on CHARLES I.:--"Had Charles the First +been more strong minded and sincere, he would have been a better king; +as it was, he was more suited for a clergyman." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, March 25, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 24358-8.txt or 24358-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/3/5/24358/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |