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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24358]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  Edited By Owen Seaman.
+
+  VOL. 146
+
+
+  March 25, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+  CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+The attention of the AMERICAN AMBASSADOR has been called to the danger
+of after-dinner speaking. There is many a true word said in
+digestion--and the truth is apt to hurt sensitive nations.
+
+       * * *
+
+Art circles continue to seethe with indignation over the National
+Gallery outrage. Even the Post-Impressionists have now no sympathy with
+the Suffragettes, for they realise that, while in this instance it was
+only a Velasquez which was injured, next time it might be a sublime
+Bomberg or a transcendent Wyndham Lewis.
+
+       * * *
+
+Sir HIRAM MAXIM has addressed an open letter to Mrs. PANKHURST
+containing a number of questions, and asking for certain definite
+information before he joins her party. Nothing, we believe, would please
+that party better than to be able to add a Maxim to its armament.
+
+       * * *
+
+A number of Liverpool women, many of whom are Suffragettes, have formed
+a Women's Church. A feature of this Church will no doubt be the
+institution of frequent Fasts with a view to training the worshippers to
+cope with the difficulties of every-day life.
+
+       * * *
+
+A fire brigade composed entirely of girl students successfully
+fought a fire last week at Wellesley College, a famous American
+educational institution. A strongly-worded protest against their
+unwomanly conduct has, we understand, been sent from the headquarters of
+the W.S.P.U.
+
+       * * *
+
+After much wordy warfare between our contemporary's readers, the
+proprietors of _The Saturday Westminster Gazette_ have now decided
+definitely that it shall be printed on white paper, on the ground that
+this is better for the eyesight, and the White-and-See party has thus
+gained a notable victory over the Green-and-Bear-It party.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ROY HORNIMAN has become chairman of the Committee for the Prevention
+of Cruelty to Stage Animals. There is good work to be done here. We have
+always understood that the hind-legs of the Pantomime dragon suffer
+terribly while on the stage, owing to the closeness of the atmosphere.
+
+       * * *
+
+Rumours reach us of trouble between _The Daily Mail_ and its
+enterprising young _protége_, _The Times._ It is all on account of the
+former possibly being compelled to modify its announcement, "Daily net
+sale six times as large as that of any penny London morning journal,"
+and charges of ingratitude are flying about.
+
+       * * *
+
+From the North-West Frontier of India comes the news that the
+station-master has been kidnapped from Shahkat station by raiders. It is
+now proposed that, with a view to preventing the recurrence of such a
+theft, every station-master shall in future wear a collar with a bell
+attached to it which would give the alarm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR VAVASOUR, HAVING DRAGGED THE NOW ALMOST UNCONSCIOUS
+MAIDEN TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF, WAS ABOUT TO THROW HER OVER, WHEN ...
+
+[Illustration: THE ARTIST CHANGED HIS MIND AND TURNED THEM INTO A COUPLE
+DANCING THE TANGO.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a dinner to Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD, the chairman referred to "the two
+wings of the Labour movement." Two wings, unfortunately, do not make an
+angel.
+
+       * * *
+
+Some pigeons, it is stated, have built their nests and are rearing their
+young at the very point of the Tower Bridge bascules. The S.P.C.A.,
+always alert, is presumably moving in the matter with a view to the
+bridge being closed until the little family is out in the world.
+
+       * * *
+
+The expression, "The Theatre of War," gets more apt every day. During
+the Balkan War the Servians and Montenegrins used a rattle to imitate
+machine-gun fire, and a machine has now been devised for imitating the
+noise of an aeroplane engine, with the object of alarming hostile
+troops.
+
+       * * *
+
+"We like the stories of men who joked on their death-beds," says _The
+Times_ in a leader. Now that _The Times_ has signified its approval we
+shall never be surprised to see this become Society's latest hobby.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has sold a portion of his library, consisting of
+early editions of SHAKSPEARE and CHAUCER, to an American dealer for
+£200,000. His Grace is said to have calculated that, if he replaced
+these books by the nice handy little editions which are now to be
+obtained for sixpence and a shilling a-piece, the transaction would mean
+a considerable profit for him.
+
+       * * *
+
+A skeleton, which is computed to be 150,000 years old, has been
+discovered by a German professor. From the position in which it was
+found it is conjectured that the man was drowned, and the police will no
+doubt take the matter up, and the relatives will, if possible, be
+communicated with.
+
+       * * *
+
+In an age when cheapness seems to be most persons' ideal, it is
+refreshing to note that there has been placed on the market a musical
+instrument which frankly calls itself the Dea Piano.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG.
+
+    IN the sunshine went the bee
+      Busily, O busily;
+    White birds flashed upon the sea,
+      White cliffs mounted dizzily;
+    There a shepherd tuned his reed
+    For the maiden of his need:
+    "Shepherdess," he piped, "give heed!"
+      Long ago in Sicily.
+
+    "As the sky your eyes are blue,"
+      He continued wittily
+    (When he said this it was new--
+      Just come south from Italy);
+    And she let her lids downfall
+    (This was then original)
+    At the marvel of it all--
+      Prettily, O prettily.
+
+    So the milch-goats went astray--
+      That's the short and long of it;
+    While they laughed the hours away--
+      That's the right and wrong of it;
+    Till the white wings ceased to strive,
+    Till the brown bee sought the hive;
+    "Wonderful!" they said--and I've
+      Made a silly song of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOBSON'S.
+
+"Is it a bad one?" I said.
+
+"It's just one of my headaches," said the lady of the house.
+
+"But some of your headaches," I said, "are different from others.
+Some----"
+
+"This," she said, "is one of the different ones."
+
+"Is it like those you have when Mrs. Martlet comes to collect on behalf
+of the Chimney-Sweeps' Aid Society? I mean, will it yield to treatment
+in about an hour?"
+
+"No," she groaned; "it's even worse than those. It's all over my head."
+
+"Oh, but if that's the sort I'm all sympathy. Only tell me what I can
+do. Are cold compresses any good? Or the doctor? It might be measles,
+you know. All the best people have measles now. Real measles, I mean;
+not the German sort. Shall I start isolating you? They tell me I'm a
+first-class isolater."
+
+"No," she said, "don't do that. It sounds so heartless."
+
+"Well," I said, "if there's anything else in reason I'm your man."
+
+"I want you," she said, "to go to London."
+
+"To London?" I said. "Of course I'll go. It's the very place I'm wanting
+to go to. In fact, I was going there anyhow; only when you said you'd
+got a headache I thought I'd stay here and help to cool your brow."
+
+"But why," she murmured, "were you going to London anyhow?"
+
+"Because," I said, "I've bought a season ticket. When the
+ticket-collector comes round I shan't fumble in all my pockets, or
+scrabble on the floor, or get red and nervous. I shall just sit tight
+without looking at him and whisper 'Season' from behind my penny
+_Times._ I've always wanted to be like that, and now I am it."
+
+"But will you get your money's worth out of it?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "if I have to travel up and down three times a day to do
+it."
+
+"And will you be an angel?" she said.
+
+"I am. My wings are fully grown."
+
+"Then I want you to fly for me to Jobson's."
+
+"To Jobson's?" I said in a voice of vague alarm.
+
+"Yes, Jobson's. The great Stores in the Bothwell Road."
+
+"But I shall get lost," I said. "I haven't got a head for Stores.
+Perhaps if I sew my address into the back of my waistcoat I might
+venture, but it's an awful undertaking. And how does one dress for
+Stores?"
+
+"Oh, anyhow," she said. "And when you get there I want you to order some
+stockings for the girls--about four pairs each--and three warm
+undervests for John."
+
+"But what about the size?" I said.
+
+"You won't have any difficulty. Mention their ages, or take up a few old
+sample stockings and an undervest with you. They won't be heavy to
+carry. Now leave me to my headache."
+
+Not long afterwards I was in London, having travelled up gently but
+firmly as a season-ticket holder. With a beating heart I made my way to
+the imposing block of buildings known as Jobson's and entered its
+portals. As I did so I realised in a flash of shame that I had left my
+parcel of samples in the train. I had known it would be so. I am not
+accustomed to carry brown paper parcels in railway carriages, and of
+course I had forgotten it. As I failed afterwards to get it back I have
+the satisfaction of knowing that someone has been badly disappointed. To
+carry off a parcel and then to find that it contains three stockings,
+all with holes in the toes and knees, and one small undervest buttonless
+and torn into strips up the back, must be a bitter blow.
+
+Jobson's, when I entered it, was a scene of great animation. Crowds of
+customers, nearly all women, were standing about or moving purposefully
+in various directions. Brisk and harassed attendants, male and female,
+were rushing hither and thither. Confusion and purchase reigned supreme.
+Keeping a tight hold on myself I wandered on until, by some mistake, I
+found myself in the Ladies' Dress department.
+
+"Yes, Sir?" said one of the girls in a tone of surprised interrogation.
+
+"Can I order a dress?" I said nervously. "A lady's dress, you know. For
+my wife," I added hastily, for a look of cold disapproval had shown
+itself on the attendant's face. "She has a bad headache or she would
+have come herself. Or is there an Ironmongery department?"
+
+"Second floor. You can go in the lift," said the girl.
+
+The Ironmongery department was attractive beyond description. Fire-irons
+glittered, fenders gleamed, and there was a lawn-mower which gaped so
+pathetically that I was all but forced to buy it.
+
+"Is anyone looking after you, Sir?" said a gentleman with the air and
+manners of a diplomatist.
+
+"No," I said; "I want a stocking or two."
+
+"Hosiery department on the ground floor. You can go in the lift;" and he
+too left me.
+
+Down I went again, plunged head-first through the Ladies' Dress
+department, and came to an anchor amongst the pipes, cigars, cigarettes
+and tobacco. Here I bought two pipes, a cigar-cutter, and five
+match-stands of a very novel design. Having thus paid my footing, I
+addressed the salesman.
+
+"Take me," I said, "to the Hosiery department."
+
+"Straight on, Sir," he said, "and turn to the right before you get to
+the musical instruments."
+
+"No, no," I said, "that won't do. I have been trying to get there all
+day by myself and have failed. I am so very musical. If I go alone I
+shall be drawn in among the flutes and harmoniums. Conduct me to the
+hosiery or I shall return the match-stands."
+
+Moved by my appeal he conducted me, and at last reached my haven and
+made my purchases. When I got home, the headache was gone, and in its
+place there was a critical spirit which prophesied that all the
+stockings would certainly be of the wrong size and quality, while the
+undervests would be equally useless. About the pipes, cigar-cutter and
+the match-stands I preferred to say nothing at all.
+
+On the whole the visit to Jobson's was a failure. R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST POLICY.
+
+(_Addressed to either pioneer of journalistic insurance._)
+
+    GREAT PAPER (with the booster circulation),
+      I much admire your latest enterprise;
+    I positively cheer with acclamation
+      When, daily, lines like these arrest my eyes:
+    "ANOTHER OF OUR READERS BREAKS HIS NECK;
+    PHOTO OF RELATIVES RECEIVING CHEQUE."
+
+    Yes, yes, I _know_ you meet more claims and vaster
+      Than does your noisy rival on the press;
+    Methinks the Furies, plotters of disaster,
+      Intend your scheme to be the true success;
+    And, of the pair, 'tis you appear to be
+    The surer passport to eternity.
+
+    So, sighing not for realms that are infernal,
+      I'll buy the meaner sheet, the over-matched;
+    Or, better still, some nice old-fashioned journal
+      To which no startling terror is attached;
+    Let others read you, heroes who can brave
+    The instant peril of a bloody grave!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIGHTENING THE DARKNESS.
+
+[The LORD MAYOR has opened a fund to assist the National Institute for
+the Blind in its endeavour to increase and cheapen the supply of BRAILLE
+literature.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE BRAVE 3D. DAYS.
+
+In these times of change and stress I have been remembering with much
+relief a curious character who haunted the British Museum Reading Room a
+quarter of a century ago. He cannot be there still, for he was elderly
+then: a military-looking man with a very upright, almost corsetted,
+form, a reddish face and a gingery moustache that in its prime might
+have graced a major. His eye however, was not martial, but blue and
+mild, watery and wandering, its quest being, I fancy, a convivial
+acquaintance with enough money and generosity for two instalments of
+refreshment. His hair, which was scanty, was carefully brushed, and
+parted at the back even to his collar, and upon it was perched at a
+slight angle a tall hat ironed beyond endurance. His erect body was
+encased in a tightly-buttoned frock-coat so shiny that it glistened, and
+as for his boots, no really softhearted observer could bear to look
+twice at them, so inadequate were they to our city of rain.
+
+Such was this jaunty thread-bare scholar; but what was his special
+branch of learning I never discovered, nor did he make the discovery
+easy, for, though he had a desk, it seldom had books upon it, and he was
+rarely there: drifting instead about the vast room, exchanging a few
+words with this or that crony, and too often leaving it with them on
+brief expeditions across the road. He may merely have been a
+sermon-copyist, busy only towards Sunday. He may have been a loafer pure
+and simple. I say I don't know; but he was a landmark of the place,
+idiosyncratic enough to be stamped indelibly on at any rate one retina.
+
+One other touch is needed to complete his appearance. He always wore
+gloves, which my memory inclines me to believe had once been pale
+yellow, and he was always accompanied by a copy of _The Times._ This,
+however, he did not carry in his hand, but he tucked it between the
+first and second buttons of his frock-coat, so folded that the title was
+visible, thus guaranteeing to the world that he was one who went to the
+fountain-head for his politics and foreign information. By this
+sign-mark, in spite of the wear and tear which were only too visible in
+his clothes, he became a man apart, for few regular readers among us
+could afford such an organ, even if we were attracted by anything so
+august and severe. But naturally we all thought the more of him for his
+journal. The suggestion of poverty became merely eccentricity.
+
+And then one day, standing by him closely, I made the humiliating
+discovery--as humiliating to me as to him--that the date of the
+protruding copy of _The Times_ was a year or so past, and, looking more
+narrowly at the paper itself, I realised that it had been folded thus
+for months and months and months ...
+
+Innocent deception! I wish I had never detected it, and I am glad to
+think that the gallant old gentleman never knew that it was pierced. But
+how comforting it is to know that he was well in his grave before the
+great revolution of this month set in, to reduce his proof of gentility
+to a penny, and thus reducing it, to render it invalid evermore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOYALTY.
+
+"IS THAT RIGHT, CHARLIE, 'AS YOUR MISSUS 'ITS YOU WIV A FLAT-IRON?"
+
+"ER--YUS--BUT ONLY WITH THE BLUNT END OF IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Threat.
+
+     "General Bakery and Confectionery. We carry a large stock in both
+     lines. Get the Richardson Bread habit. It will tickle you."
+
+     _Daily News (Port Arthur, Canada)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ITALIAN WAR MEDALS.
+
+(From Our Own Correspondent).
+
+     War vessels were distributed to the troops to-day in the Piazza
+     Pledisato."
+
+     _Standard of Buenos Aires._
+
+Much better to have stuck to the first idea and given them medals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Oxford Ducks.
+
+     "Going up a good water they rowed a minute at 32, but otherwise
+     were only waddling."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant._ "NOW, I CAN TELL CHARACTER WHEN I
+SEE IT, SO MARK MY WORDS. IF YOU JOIN NOW YOU'LL BE A SWANKIN' GENERAL
+IN FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR MISCONCEPTIONS.
+
+     ["Lord Northcliffe rarely sees and never reads a letter, being
+     mainly nowadays engaged in golf and travel."--_Daily Mail._]
+
+Nothing is more curious in the journalistic world than the widespread
+illusion which prevails as to the nature of Mr. Larvin's editorial
+activities. The common view is that he writes nineteen columns in every
+issue of the _Sunday Swerver_, besides contributing a leading article,
+seven leaderettes, three reviews and a "special" political manifesto to
+each number of the _Pale Mail Gazette._ As a matter of fact nothing
+could be wider of the mark. Mr. Larvin for many years has taken a
+detached and dispassionate view of politics, devoting the greater part
+of his time to collecting Egyptian papyri, and playing squash racquets,
+at which he is remarkably proficient. Although he occasionally inspires
+a paragraph in one or other of the papers mentioned, he hardly ever
+comes to either office, and is not even known by sight to the office
+boys.
+
+Another instance of the wide discrepancy between fact and popular belief
+is furnished by the case of Mr. Murbidge, the manager of Garrod's
+Stores. Mr. Murbidge is commonly supposed to be an omniscient and
+ubiquitous administrator, who holds all the strings of Garrod's in his
+hands, and to whom all questions are referred for immediate decision. No
+one is more amused at this extraordinary hallucination than Mr. Murbidge
+himself. Nowadays he is almost entirely occupied in tarpon fishing,
+running a plovers' egg farm on Romney Marsh, and playing the pianola.
+
+Sir James Lignum's appearances at Queen's Hall have led to a host of
+misconceptions as to his real interests and accomplishments. It is true
+that he wields the _bâton_ on those occasions, but he never sees the
+orchestra at any other time or hears a note of music, being entirely
+occupied with philately and teaching a boys' club boxing in the
+East-end. The band are absolutely independent of his control, while
+acquiescing in his presence as a valuable spectacular asset, owing to
+the extreme whiteness of his hands, the exquisite cut of his frock-coat,
+and the capillary attraction exerted on the audience by his glossy and
+luxuriant chevelure.
+
+We understand that Mr. Larry Cawdor is deeply incensed by the widespread
+prevalence of the erroneous impression that he still appears in the
+music-halls. For many years he has been replaced by an imitator who
+bears the same name and has modelled himself, both vocally and
+histrionically, on his illustrious namesake. But the real Larry Cawdor
+never sets foot inside a music-hall nowadays, being mainly engaged on
+an exhaustive commentary on the _Talmud_ and devoting his scanty leisure
+to the collection of entomological specimens for his private museum.
+
+It is strange that so many people believe that the finances of the
+country are still controlled by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. Nominally of course he
+is still Chancellor of the Exchequer, but he never goes near the
+Treasury, never reads a State Paper or troubles his head with facts or
+figures. When he is not inspiring our Foreign Policy--for which Sir
+EDWARD GREY so unfairly gains the credit--he is generally to be found
+playing piquet with Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR, or four-ball foursomes with Mr.
+MASTERMAN, Mr. DEVLIN and the Baron DE FOREST.
+
+Some misguided people have formed the odd habit of thinking of Sir
+Treebohm Herr as an actor. But how far from the truth this is will be
+ascertained in a moment when we say that he devotes himself almost
+wholly to studying his brother's facetious drawings and attempting to
+improve on them. Any histrionic reputation that he may have made has
+been the work of understudies while the principal was busy with his
+_quasi_-comic pencil.
+
+Mr. Seldom Gorfridge, the great American shopkeeper whose advertisements
+are so highly esteemed by the London Press, is popularly believed to be
+interested in his business. This is, of course, a foolish misconception.
+Mr. Gorfridge has but one consuming passion and that is pigeon flying.
+Week in and week out he is absorbed by this pursuit at his magnificent
+home in Cornwall, and all that he knows of Oxford Street and millinery
+he learns from the evening papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD--NOT MERELY FOR THOUGHT.
+
+     ["Brick tea in Mongolia not only acts as food, but is used as
+     currency and generally as a means of exchange. It is a very ancient
+     custom, and house rent in Urga is often computed on so many bricks
+     of tea."]
+
+     _From "With the Russians in Mongolia."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The introduction of a food currency on more extensive lines into this
+country might produce such results as the following:--
+
+     TRY THE NEW "VAR-RAY" MASHIE.
+
+     Price One Sausage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     WHITE'S COLD COMPLEXION CREAM.
+
+     Price 12 Strawberries.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     COMPANION WANTED.--Apply, stating Celery required, E. A. T. GREEN,
+     Vegetarian Mansions, S.W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     IRISH LINEN CO., OCH, IRELAND.
+
+     Write to-day for Catalogue, enclosing pat of butter to cover
+     postage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     GENTS' TOILET SALOON,
+     Oxford St., W.
+     Shave ... One Cut from the Joint.
+     Hair-cut, Shampoo, etc. One Sheep's Head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     WHY PAY MORE? THE LIFE OF LLOYD GEORGE. By Bertie Du Porke.
+
+     In side boards, price One Welsh Rarebit. In half-calf, price One
+     Pound (of Veal).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     SHEEPSHANKS & CO., GENTS' OUTFITTERS.
+
+     Gents' ready-to-wear Cycling and Golf Knickers.
+
+     Usual price, Two Legs of Lamb. Sale price, Two Legs of Mutton.
+     Cycling Hose, to clear--Two Calves Foot Jellies per pair. Gents'
+     White Spats, clearance price--One Bag of Nuts.
+
+     SHEEPSHANKS & CO., Poultry, E.C. Lists sent Paste Free.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     CLERK WANTED.--The successful applicant would be enabled to earn
+     his bread and butter daily.--Apply, T. POTTER & CO., E.C.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     PECKSTEIN HALL.
+
+     To-morrow at Three.
+
+     Vocalist ... Miss Lottie Teathe. At the Mouth Organ. M. Grubbe.
+     Prices:--Boxes, Three Gross Sardines. Body, One Pig's Heart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOME OF THE LARGE STORES ARE GIVING EXHIBITIONS OF HOW TO
+CHOOSE A SUITABLE HAT. ABOVE WE SHOW A TRAGEDY IN SIX ACTS OF THE
+CUSTOMER WHOM NO HAT WILL SUIT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHIMES AND THE CHUBE.
+
+    As when a solemn bell
+      Sounds from a little spire
+    The smock-frocked villagers to tell
+    "'Tis church time," and they heed the summons well,
+    Gaffer, and Jarge and Kate, and tiny Nell,
+      And last of all comes Squire--
+
+    So have I heard afar
+      And pondered on my crimes,
+    Reader of many a flashy par.
+    While travelling in the subterranean car,
+    A voice that murmured, "What a fool you are
+      Not to take in _The Chimes_!"
+
+    I said, "It costs three d.,"
+      But lied about the cause;
+    I feared the toils of destiny,
+    I felt those stately columns close on me,
+    I shuddered as I rattled like a pea
+      Citywards without pause.
+
+    _Tuppence_! The fearful sound
+      Pealed like an organ crash;
+    Once more the mesh was drawing round,
+    But still I cried, "Economy!" and drowned
+    The still small voice, and in the Underground
+      Flaunted _The Daily Flash._
+
+    Short shrift for those that err!
+      Jove has rebuked my sin:
+    Now, helpless and without demur,
+    You shall behold me where the tube-lifts purr
+    Pale captive to the penny _Thunderer_
+      With supplements heaved in.
+
+    Only one thing I cry,
+      With tears and laughter mixed,
+    That those who speed or far or nigh
+    The swift-winged wains of the Electric Ry.,
+    And furnish them with little thongs whereby
+      The passengers are fixed.
+
+    Shall heed the altered price,
+      Shall change with changing times,
+    And run some trains more slow than mice,
+    Stopping between each station once or twice,
+    Fitted with lecterns of a fair device
+      To help me read my _Chimes._
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "THE ORGANIZER, MARCH, 1914.
+
+     TROUBLE always follows misunderstanding. The worst kind of trouble
+     comes from failure to realize the extent of one's capacity.
+
+     LEARN YOUR REAL VALUE.
+
+     PRICE TWOPENCE."
+
+Even this doesn't encourage us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+III.--SETTLING DOWN.
+
+The villa was high up on the hill, having (as Simpson was to point out
+several times later) Mentone on its left hand and Monte Carlo on its
+right. A long winding path led up through its garden of olives to the
+front door, and through the mimosa trees which flanked this door we
+could see already a flutter of white aprons. The staff was on the loggia
+waiting to greet us.
+
+We halted a moment out of sight of the ladies above and considered
+ourselves. It came to us with a sudden shock that we were a very large
+party.
+
+"I suppose," said Archie to Simpson, "they do expect all of us and not
+only you? You told them that about half London was coming?"
+
+"We're only six," said Myra, "because I've just counted again, but we
+seem about twenty."
+
+"It's quite all right," said Simpson cheerfully. "I said we'd be six."
+
+"But six in a letter is much smaller than six of us like this; and when
+they see our luggage----"
+
+"Let's go back," I suggested, suddenly nervous. To be five guests of the
+guest of a man you have never met is delicate work.
+
+At this critical moment Archie assumed command. He is a Captain in the
+Yeomanry and has tackled bigger jobs than this in his time.
+
+"We must get ourselves into proper order," he said. "Simpson, the villa
+has been lent to _you_; you must go first. Dahlia and I come next. When
+we arrive you will introduce us as your friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mannering.
+Then turning to Myra you say, 'Mr. Mannering's sister; and this,' you
+add, 'is her husband.' Then--er--Thomas----"
+
+"It will be difficult to account for Thomas," I said.
+
+"Thomas comes at the end. He hangs back a little at first; and then if
+he sees that there is going to be any awkwardness about him, he can
+pretend he's come on the wrong night, and apologise and go home again."
+
+"If Thomas goes, I go," said Myra dramatically.
+
+"I have another idea," I said. "Thomas hides here for a bit. We
+introduce ourselves and settle in, and have lunch; and after lunch we
+take a stroll in the garden, and to our great surprise discover Thomas.
+'Thomas,' we say, '_you_ here? Dear old chap, we thought you were in
+England. How splendid! Where are you staying? Oh, but you must stop with
+_us_; we can easily have a bed put up for you in the garage.' And
+then----"
+
+"Not after lunch," said Thomas; "before lunch."
+
+"Don't all be so silly," smiled Dahlia. "They'll wonder what has
+happened to us if we wait any longer. Besides, the men will be here with
+the luggage directly. Come along."
+
+"Samuel," said Archie, "forward."
+
+In our new formation we marched up, Simpson excited and rehearsing to
+himself the words of introduction, we others outwardly calm. At a range
+of ten yards he opened fire. "How do you do?" he beamed. "Here we all
+are! Isn't it a lovely----"
+
+The cook-housekeeper, majestic but kindly, came forward with
+outstretched hand and welcomed him volubly--in French. The other three
+ladies added their French to hers. There was only one English body on
+the loggia. It belonged to a bull-dog. The bull-dog barked loudly at
+Simpson in English.
+
+There was no "Cook's homme" to save Simpson this time. But he rose to
+the occasion nobly. The scent of the mimosa inspired him.
+
+"_Merci_," he said, "_Merci. Oui, n'est ce pas_? Delightful. Er--these
+are--_ces sont mes amis._ Er--Dahlia, come along--er, _Monsieur et
+Madame Mannering_--er--Myra, _la soeur de Monsieur_--- er--where are
+you, old chap?--_le mari de la soeur de Monsieur._ Er--Thomas--er----"
+(he was carried away by memories of his schoolboy French), "_le frère du
+jardinier_--er----" He wheeled round and saw me; introduced me again;
+introduced Myra as my wife, Archie as her brother, and Dahlia as
+Archie's wife; and then with a sudden inspiration presented Thomas
+grandly as "_le beau-père du petit fils de mes amis Monsieur et Madame
+Mannering._" Thomas seemed more assured of his place as Peter's
+godfather than as the brother of the gardener.
+
+There were four ladies; we shook hands with all of them. It took us a
+long time, and I doubt if we got it all in even so, for twice I found
+myself shaking hands with Simpson. But these may have been additional
+ones thrown in. It was over at last, and we followed the staff indoors.
+
+And then we had another surprise. It was broken to us by Dahlia, who, at
+Simpson's urgent request, took up the position of lady of the house, and
+forthwith received the flowing confidence of the housekeeper.
+
+"Two of us have to sleep outside," she said.
+
+"Where?" we all asked blankly.
+
+We went on to the loggia again, and she pointed to a little house almost
+hidden by olive-trees in a corner of the garden below us.
+
+"Oh, well, that's all right," said Archie. "It's on the estate. Thomas,
+you and Simpson won't mind that a bit, will you?"
+
+"We can't turn Samuel out of his own house," said Myra indignantly.
+
+"We aren't turning him; he wants to go. But, of course, if you and your
+young man would like to live there instead----"
+
+Myra looked at me eagerly.
+
+"It would be rather fun," she said. "We'd have another little honeymoon
+all to ourselves."
+
+"It wouldn't really be a honeymoon," I objected. "We should always be
+knocking up against trippers in the garden, Archies and Samuels and
+Thomases and what not. They'd be all over the place."
+
+Dahlia explained the domestic arrangements. The honeymooners had their
+little breakfast in their own little house, and then, joined the others
+for the day at about ten.
+
+"Or eleven," said Thomas.
+
+"It would be rather lovely," said Myra thoughtfully.
+
+"Yes," I agreed; "but have you considered that---- Come over this way a
+moment, where Thomas and Simpson can't hear, while I tell you some of
+the disadvantages."
+
+I led her into a quiet corner and suggested a few things to her which I
+hoped would not occur to the other two.
+
+_Item_: That if it was raining hard at night it would be beastly.
+_Item_: That if you suddenly found you'd left your pipe behind it would,
+be rotten. _Item:_ That if, as was probable, there wasn't a proper
+bathroom in the little house, it would be sickening. _Item_: That if she
+had to walk on muddy paths in her evening shoes, it would be----
+
+At this point Myra suddenly caught the thread of the argument. We went
+back to the others.
+
+"We think," said Myra, "it would be perfectly heavenly in the little
+house; but----" She hesitated.
+
+"But at the same time," I said, "we think it's up to Simpson and Thomas
+to be English gentlemen. Samuel, it's your honour."
+
+There was a moment's silence.
+
+"Come along," said Thomas to Simpson, "let's go and look at it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After lunch, clean and well-fed and happy, we lay in deck-chairs on the
+loggia and looked lazily down at the Mediterranean.
+
+"Thank you, Samuel, for bringing us," said Dahlia gently. "Your friends
+must be very fond of you to have lent you this lovely place."
+
+"Not fonder than we are," said Myra, smiling at him. A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE COMPLEAT POLICEMAN."]
+
+(_A new schedule has, we understand, been issued to the Force, entitled
+"Hints for Police employed on Traffic Duty."_)
+
+"THE REGULATION OF TRAFFIC, SO AS TO PREVENT OBSTRUCTION OR ACCIDENT,
+REQUIRES TACT."
+
+[Illustration: "NEVER GET FLUSTERED OR ANNOYED," AND]
+
+[Illustration: "KEEP A LOOK-OUT FOR THE CARRIAGES OF PRIVILEGED
+PERSONS]."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Sketch_, in its search for a White Hope, says:--
+
+     "Who will be the next world's champion?"
+
+The writer must wait till he gets to the next world; we hope he is in no
+hurry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ex (Exmouth).--There is an easy way to tell if a diamond is
+     genuine. Make a small dot on a piece of paper with a lead pencil
+     and look at it through the diamond. If it shows but a single dot
+     the diamond is genuine."--_Tit-Bits._
+
+We cordially invite the writer to come and look at dots through our
+Bouverie Street windows. We will then sell him the lot for a million
+pounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Oxford rowed a bridge trial from Barnes to Hammersmith yesterday
+     morning on a fast ebb. It was good, but not good enough considering
+     the conditions, for everything was in their favour, the amount of
+     land water in the river making the tide a fast one and the wind
+     being at their backs."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Our contemporary must make up its mind which way the crew sits before
+the day of the race.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "This was Inman's last opportunity, as Reece, in his next hand, ran
+     to his points with a great break of 202. He failed at an easy red
+     winner, and after Inman had missed a simple shot Reece ran out."
+
+     _Times._
+
+     _REECE (after reaching his points with a great break of 202)_: Have
+     another shot, INMAN, old man. Hard luck! Now I really _must_ go.
+     [_Exit at a run._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     DEAR MR. PUNCH,--While idly looking over _Chambers' Dictionary_ I
+     came across the Christian name "Herbert," and noticed that it meant
+     "The Glory of the Army." This aroused my curiosity, and I thought I
+     should pursue the matter further by looking up the meaning of his
+     other name. You may judge my surprise when I found that "Henry"
+     meant "Home Ruler," and was given in these exact words. After this
+     Mr. ASQUITH'S dogged determination to carry Home Rule is readily
+     understood. He is a child of destiny.
+
+    I am, etc., KISMET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor (to old Appleby dame whose son his been eaten by
+cannibals in the South Sea Islands)._ "I AM SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR THIS
+BAD NEWS ABOUT YOUR SON. CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE IT HAPPENED?"
+
+_Dame._ "NAY, A DON'T RIGHTLY KNAA. IT WAS SOOMWHAR BELOW KENDAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANCERS DAY BY DAY.
+
+_March 18._--A telegram from Tipperusalem, Oklahoma, states that Madame
+Titipoff, as the result of partaking of tinned oysters at supper, is
+suffering from acute ptomaine poisoning, and will, at the most
+favourable estimate, be unable to dance for another six months.
+
+_March 19._--Authoritative cables from Sydney convey the distressing
+intelligence that M. Gordkin is suffering from a complete nervous
+breakdown. His temperature has never been below 117 for the last week,
+and his pulse varies from 240 to 260. The doctors take a serious view of
+his case, and all his engagements have been cancelled.
+
+_March 20._--At Dundee last night, Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff, while dancing
+at the Corybantic Music Hall, slipped on a patch of marmalade which had
+been inadvertently allowed to remain on the stage, and fractured both
+her kneecaps. It is feared that the famous _ballerina_ will not be able
+to fulfil her engagements in Aberdeen next month.
+
+_March 21._--Latest advices from Tipperusalem give a reassuring account
+of Madame Titipoff's progress. On Thursday she was allowed to sit up for
+half an hour, and she ate a beefsteak with evident zest. On learning
+that the canned oyster vendor had been tarred and feathered, Madame
+Titipoff at once announced her intention of dancing on the following
+night.
+
+_March 22._--A despatch just received from M. Gordkin's agent at Sydney
+announces that the famous artist's temperature is now normal and his
+pulse steady at 60. The cause of his recent trivial indisposition was a
+hostile criticism in a local paper, but with the dismissal of the critic
+the incident is now regarded as closed, and M. Gordkin will resume his
+saltatorial activities in a day or two.
+
+_March 23._--The news of Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff's accident happily turns
+out to have been exaggerated. Her kneecaps were not fractured, but two
+hairpins became detached from her chevelure while she was performing a
+protracted pirouette. The famous _danseuse_ is rehearsing a new galvanic
+dance, and marmalade shares are again firm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is learned officially that Their Excellencies are delighted
+     with the climate, which appears to agree with Lady Chalmers, as
+     well as with the scenery."
+
+     _The Ceylon Morning Leader._
+
+Of course it has known the scenery longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STANZAS WRITTEN IN DEJECTION BEFORE MATRIMONY.
+
+(_A complaint has been voiced in the Press that uncommon wedding
+presents are getting much too common._)
+
+    We fixed our hymeneal day,
+      Bespoke our nuptial cates
+    And summoned to the solemn fray
+    The necessary glum array
+      Of kin and intimates.
+
+    And the more part in their degree
+      Gave gladly gifts of pride,
+    Tall silver ships, complete with sea,
+    And birds of aureate filigree,
+      Pearl-winged and opal-eyed.
+
+    Sheffield they gave, a grievous load,
+      And Chelsea, flower'd and spruce,
+    And antique thingummies in spode;
+    The only thing that none bestowed
+      Was anything of use.
+
+    Fled is the hope we built too soon
+      Of some sub-tropic trek;
+    Farewell, O azure honeymoon,
+    The dull but necessary spoon
+      Claims the paternal cheque.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Latest Cinema Poster.
+
+    "WHEN THE EARTH TREMBLED
+    For six days at great expense."
+
+The longest earthquake on record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEPTUNE'S ALLY.
+
+(_The FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY calls in a new element to redress the
+balance of the old._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ULSTER, DAY BY DAY: MONDAY.
+
+"Now, gents, what offers for this really prime Irish pig? Guaranteed by
+Mr. DEVLIN. You may examine its points as soon as you've bought it." [No
+business.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 16._--The WINSOME WINSTON, sauntering
+in from behind SPEAKER'S Chair when Questions had advanced some way,
+startled by strident cheer from Ministerialists and Irish Nationalists.
+Opposition angrily replied. FIRST LORD, faintly blushing, found
+anchorage on Treasury Bench. Unpremeditated outburst of enthusiasm meant
+as welcome back from Bradford, where he reviewed political situation
+with force and frankness that recalled his father's platform speeches
+delivered in his prime. Demonstration repeated when later he rose to
+answer question concerning his department. Fresh storm of cheering from
+Ministerialists responded to by defiant shouts from Opposition.
+
+WINSTON evidently the man of the moment.
+
+PRIME MINISTER, happily refreshed by week-end holiday, finds himself
+faced by crowd wanting to know all sorts of things that might happen
+concurrently with, or subsequent to, proposed temporary exclusion of
+parts of Ulster from operation of Home Rule Bill. There were twenty-six
+Questions. Assuming minimum number of Supplementaries, there would have
+been at least one hundred.
+
+To amazement and vexation of earnest seekers after truth, the twenty-six
+querists discovered that they were being bowled over faster than
+commonplace nine-pins. As NORMAN CRAIG breathlessly complained, the
+PREMIER, having answered a question, did not, as is his custom of an
+afternoon, resume his seat, and thus provide opportunity for
+supplementary questioner.
+
+This was his method: Taking in hand a sheet of manuscript he recited,
+"Number 45. This is a hypothetical question. Indeed, it involves no
+fewer than three hypotheses. Numbers 57, 64 and 72 are in the same
+category."
+
+Before you knew where you were, bang went four questions. Member after
+Member rose to protest. The PREMIER babbled on like the brook.
+
+"The answer to number 46 and to the first part of 70 is in the negative.
+The answer to number 48 is in the affirmative. Number 49 in the
+negative. I proceed to number 52."
+
+Members held their breath. What could he say about 52? Evidently he
+meant to treat it in different fashion.
+
+"Number 52," he continued in the same level voice, as if he were reading
+catalogue at picture sale, "refers to a small matter which can easily be
+provided for."
+
+Here was batch of another five questions disposed of in barely more than
+as many seconds. And to think of all the industry and ingenuity bestowed
+upon the preparation of this succession of pitfalls designed for the
+engulfing of a ruthless Minister and the dislocation of an iniquitous
+Bill!
+
+Situation capped by PREMIER'S refusal to be drawn into minute
+description of adjustments, financial and administrative, consequent on
+adoption of his proposed amendment of Home Rule Bill. If general
+principle were accepted, the rest would follow. If not, why waste time
+and divert discussion from main issue to subsidiary and incidental
+details? After beating in vain against the indomitable rock standing at
+the Table, BONNER LAW, on behalf of enraged Opposition, gave notice of
+vote of censure. What day will be given for discussion? he asked.
+
+"The earliest possible date," replied the imperturbable PREMIER.
+
+Here episode ended. Its eruption made it clear that hope of settlement
+on grounds prepared a week ago to-day has vanished.
+
+_Business done._--Notice from Front Opposition Bench of vote of censure
+on Ministers.
+
+_Tuesday._--POLE-CAREW had rather a bad time of it. Attacked in sharp
+succession by land and sea. Began at Question time. He merely asked
+whether two divisions and the cavalry brigade in Ireland, which took
+part in manoeuvres last year, weren't rather a scrubby lot of immature
+boys unfit for public service. To quote exact phrase--"whether the
+physical appearance of the men was unsatisfactory; and whether the
+effect of the trooping season was to increase the number of immature
+boys unfit for active service?"
+
+SEELY wrathfully replied in the negative.
+
+"I must," he added, "profess my astonishment that the hon. and gallant
+gentleman should seek by means of suggestions such as are contained in
+this question to discourage and belittle the British soldier, to whom he
+owes so much."
+
+A loud cheer sent home this rebuke.
+
+Worse still when POLLY put out to sea and came athwart the FIRST LORD.
+All he sought was information as to whether the FIRST SEA LORD, having
+publicly alluded to the danger of relying exclusively on the fleet to
+protect the country from invasion, "subsequently went back on his word."
+
+"A most insulting and unfair remark," said WINSTON. "It will," he
+continued, "do nothing but harm if the Navy think the Chiefs whom they
+honour and respect are to be subjected to offensive personal attacks of
+this character directed against them by ex-military men who have gone
+into politics."
+
+"Only let me have five minutes with him, Mr. DEPUTY SPEAKER," said the
+ex-military man nervously turning up his coat cuffs.
+
+[Illustration: A TRIFLE THIN.
+
+_WINSTON takes refuge behind REGINALD._]
+
+[On several points connected with the Navy Estimates Mr. CHURCHILL
+claimed that the responsibility rested with his predecessor at the
+Admiralty.]]
+
+Getting dangerously close to eleven o'clock, at which hour debate, if
+continued, must automatically close. WINSTON punctilious in leaving the
+five minutes demanded. POLE-CAREW'S retort perhaps scarcely up to
+occasion.
+
+[Illustration: ON THE WARPATH AGAINST THE CHARTERED COMPANY.
+
+Alarming outbreak in MacNeilliland.]
+
+"I can only say," he remarked, "that the SECRETARY FOR WAR and the FIRST
+LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY are worthy to sit on the same bench as the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."
+
+_Business done._--FIRST LORD explained his Naval policy.
+
+_Thursday._--SWIFT MACNEILL introduces new Parliamentary formula.
+Discussing on Civil Service Vote state of things in Rhodesia as
+dominated by the Chartered Company he was interrupted by remark from
+ORMSBY-GORE.
+
+Throwing back his head with lofty scorn, and making a few windmill
+passages with his arms, Member for Donegal said, "I am not going to be
+interrupted by any gentleman of the House of Cecil."
+
+Had this determination been announced by ordinary Member it would not
+have possessed importance likely to affect future course of debate. But
+SWIFT MACNEILL is justly recognised as one of the highest authorities on
+the science and practice of Parliamentary procedure. If he is able to
+support his contention, that a Member may of his free will, in exercise
+of his mature judgment, divide the House into groups of families (as if
+they were counties of Ulster) and say, "I will not be interrupted by
+this one or that," whilst it would have useful effect in curtailing
+proceedings would obviously require nice discrimination.
+
+There are in the present House several family names represented by
+various Members, not all sitting on same side of House. To take a single
+example, there are the WILSONS. Like the family of the child with whom
+WORDSWORTH conversed, they are seven. If SWIFT MACNEILL'S precedent be
+established, a Member rising to continue debate might, by way of
+preface, remark, "I am not going to be interrupted by any gentleman of
+the House of Wilson."
+
+In this particular case A. S. WILSON, whose contributions to debate are
+exclusively interjectionary, would be cut off from the exercise of a
+talent that frequently enlivens a sitting.
+
+SWIFT MACNEILL'S own case is not free from difficulty. The SPEAKER is "a
+gentleman of the House of Cecil." Is he henceforward to be debarred from
+interrupting the Member for Donegal by calls to order?
+
+[Illustration: ULSTER DAY BY DAY: THURSDAY.
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON. "My train leaves Euston in thirty minutes. We meet at
+Philippi."]
+
+_Business done._--BONNER LAW, master of Parliamentary tactics, obliged
+Government by moving vote of censure. Challenge hilariously accepted.
+Great muster of Ministerialists. On division what was meant as vote of
+censure was practically turned into vote of confidence, carried amid
+enthusiastic cheering by majority of 93 in House of 597 Members.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Golfing Enquiry.
+
+     "Can any reader say whether a coloured attached ribbon (6ft. of
+     1/2in. red) is allowable by the game, merely as an aid in locating
+     the flying ball."--_English Mechanic._
+
+_Answer._ Yes. So is a gramophone (2ft. by 3ft.), and it is more
+certain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A red or black sash round the waist, and a navy blue straw hat
+     with ribbon to match, would be a most attractive little frock for a
+     warm spring day."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+But it must be a _warm_ spring day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRIUMPH OF THINNESS.
+
+HERBERT is one of those troublesome men who are always asking why I
+don't what he calls "buckle to" and make some money. But his latest
+suggestion was his maddest, and I think that I got out of it rather
+neatly. For Herbert is a determined fellow from whom you can't escape
+until you have promised quite a lot and sometimes even had actually to
+do something.
+
+"Do you want two hundred pounds?" he bounced in upon me and said.
+
+"Who doesn't?" I replied.
+
+"Well, here you are then. It's as easy as falling off a ladder. Only a
+little industry required;" and he threw a paper on to my table.
+
+I spread it out and saw: "One Thousand Cash Prizes amounting to £1,000.
+First Prize £200. All you have to do is to make as many words as you can
+out of 'JENKINS' GLORIOUS GUM.'"
+
+"Thanks," I said; "this isn't intended for really thoughtful people."
+
+At this, however, he merely sniffed and pulled a fountain-pen from his
+pocket.
+
+"I'll make a start," he said; "'gin' one; 'niggle'--that's rather
+good--two; 'mug' three." But after that his mind seemed to wander, and
+he added rather feebly, "and so on. It's ridiculously easy when you have
+a dictionary. Will you try?"
+
+"No," I replied, and a fierce argument followed.
+
+But just as he was getting really angry my eye fell upon a condition
+that I had overlooked. "Ten pounds," I saw, "will be awarded to the
+competitor whose envelope is opened first."
+
+"I'll go in," I said, and Herbert replied, "Good egg, I'll bet you win.
+Don't forget 'mug.'"
+
+"No, I won't forget 'mug'," I assured him as he left, for his last word
+had given me an idea.
+
+Solemnly I sat down in front of "JENKINS' GLORIOUS GUM" and saw at once
+that my word would do. In two minutes "Juggins" had been put into a very
+large envelope all by himself, and I was out of work again.
+
+But the part that you won't believe has to come.
+
+I won the £10--I did really. Among the multitude of fat envelopes
+bulging with words, my thin "Juggins" simply insisted upon being opened
+first. The thousands of chartered accountants assembled for the counting
+almost fought for him, he was nearly torn in two in their desire to
+begin with what looked like an easy one--or so I like to imagine the
+scene. But Herbert is insufferably proud of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPECTRUM.
+
+    According to the Ladies' Press,
+    Who would be really smart must dress
+
+    In crimson puce or purple hair:
+    My Phyllis doesn't leave it there,
+
+    But less than ever doth she seem
+    Content with Nature's colour-scheme.
+
+    Her brow is scarlet; week by week
+    New tints bedeck her maiden cheek.
+
+    (To-day they wear the pleasing hue
+    Which Fashion calls "electric" blue,
+
+    And, when their owner's startled, show
+    A healthy blush of indigo.)
+
+    Her sense of artistry appears
+    In what she does about her ears;
+
+    With colours of the naval sort
+    She marks the starboard from the port.
+
+    Her lips are lemon; underneath
+    Appear her willow-pattern teeth.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+    But when, to serve another end,
+    She threatened to adopt a blend
+
+    Of tints with which I cannot cope--
+    The green and white and heliotrope,
+
+    "You know," said I, "your business best;
+    Myself, I lose all interest.
+
+    In other words, it may be said,
+    My love for you is frankly dead."
+
+    "Alas," she answered, "and alack!" ...
+    Her nose is now in mourning (black).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW FEUILLETON. BEGIN IT TO-DAY.
+
+JOSEPH LATE-USHER.
+
+By CLEVER MAURICE.
+
+
+CHARACTERS IN THE STORY.
+
+THE DUCHESS OF KIMBERLEY (Ruby), a svelte aquiline-nosed woman of some
+forty summers, with green hair and two aigrettes. She has been a widow
+for a lonely decade.
+
+THE EARL OF JOBURG, her son Guy, aged thirteen, who is about to go to a
+public school, where he will be kidnapped for ransom.
+
+LORD ARTHUR BOOBITRAPP, his uncle, who discusses the question of the
+school with the Duchess. Lord Arthur is in favour of Eton, as he wishes
+Guy to be a wet Bob and captain the cricket eleven; whereas the Duchess,
+having a penchant for yellow stockings, favours Christ's Hospital. In
+the end they compromise, and the boy is sent to a small private school
+in Bermondsey, where the chief usher is
+
+JOSEPH LATE, a superb creature with a wonderful personality. Joseph not
+only ushes the school but loves the Duchess with a consuming love, and a
+year after Guy has been at the school and defied all efforts to kidnap
+him he tells the Duchess of the inflamed state of his cardiac penumbra.
+No sooner has he done this than he trembles all over at the presumption
+of a poor usher thus daring to address a Duchess; but the Duchess falls
+in his arms, for beneath her aigrettes she is woman too.
+
+MR. VERTIGO applies for the post of science master at the school, and,
+having seen Late kill a man many years before and escape punishment,
+gets it. Every time you see Vertigo's name you may expect trouble.
+
+DICK BOOBITRAPP is a kidnapper and a confederate of Vertigo.
+
+DR. SAUNDERSON is a kidnapper under the guise of a writer of
+prescriptions.
+
+In spite of all precautions, such as employing only detectives as
+servants of the school, Guy is kidnapped. The Duchess and Joseph Late
+hurry to Spain to seek him, not because they know him to be there, but
+because Spain is a likely romantic country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHAPTER CCCXLVIII.
+
+"Tell me the worst," said the Duchess in strong ringing tones, all the
+mother coming out in her anguish.
+
+But the reply came in unfamiliar tones.
+
+Looking up, she observed that her usher had disappeared, and in his
+place was the detested Vertigo.
+
+_To be continued--but not here._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE GATES OF THE WEST.
+
+
+SCENE--_The New York landing pier of the Ocean Palace Line, crowded with
+passengers and their luggage from the R.M.S. "Gargantuan."_
+
+TIME--_About five and a-half hours earlier than ours._
+
+_Mr. Horace Rutherford Penfold (the last thing in novelists, surrounded
+by New York pressmen)_: "Glad to see you, boys! Delighted to see you!
+_What!_ Was I hiding from you behind my luggage? What an absolutely
+absurd idea! The whole way across I've been eagerly looking forward to
+meeting you gentlemen of the most go-ahead, most enlightened Press on
+earth! Yes, it's my first visit to your great country. The dream of my
+life is now realised. Yes, of course I'm rejoiced that my novel, _The
+Love of a Hop-Picker_, has taken its place among the 'best sellers' on
+this side. Yes, people are good enough to say I've broken quite new
+ground in making the hop-fields the scene of a novel; the critics say my
+word-pictures of the hop-poles are 'absolutely luscious'; and they
+pronounce _Ozias_, the hop-picker, 'a giant of artistic creation.' Yes,
+my novel is one of the twenty which in the last six months have been
+called 'epoch-making' and have been said to 'stand quite alone in modern
+fiction.' No doubt the hop-field will now be exploited by other writers,
+until in time it will become as hackneyed as the desert.
+
+"Yes, this is my first visit to your wonderful country. I am here to
+superintend the rehearsals of the dramatised form of _The Love of a
+Hop-Picker._ Naturally I am a little nervous, for to please a New York
+audience is the playwright's dream of heaven. And then, of course, _The
+Love of a Hop-Picker_ is not only utterly English in atmosphere, but
+also peculiarly _Kentish_. Still, with such a brilliantly intelligent,
+marvellously sympathetic public as yours, I don't despair of bringing
+the hop-poles over the footlights, so to say.
+
+"Yes, gentlemen, I have a wife, and I've not forgotten to bring her
+sworn affidavit that my coming without her is quite regular and in
+order, because, though Ellis Island's a delightful place, no doubt,
+still, I want to go into your great Empire city 'right away,' as you
+say. Here it is: 'I declare that I, Agatha Mary Rutherford Penfold, and
+my dear husband, Horace Rutherford Penfold, are a perfectly united and
+affectionate couple; that his journey to the United States is taken with
+my entire approval, and that I should have accompanied him but for being
+an extremely bad sailor and afraid of storms at sea. (Signed) AGATHA
+MARY RUTHERFORD PENFOLD. Sworn to in the presence of--' and so forth.
+Yes, certainly, gentlemen, copy it by all means.
+
+"No, I never heard of any literary talent showing itself in our family
+before. My father was interested in the retail meat industry; _his_
+father was interested in the retail bread industry; and _his_ father
+turned his attention to the making of candlesticks.
+
+"My impressions as I crossed? Well, I couldn't help remarking, ill as I
+felt, that, as we neared the shores of the New World, the waves took on
+better and more imposing shapes, the wind blew more smartly, and at
+night the stars seemed brighter and more numerous, and the clouds
+appeared to form themselves into stripes! Yes, this is my first
+experience of a zero temperature. The air is deliciously fresh: one
+seems to breathe in freedom with it. Well, perhaps I am a little cold,
+but that is because I have been waiting an hour and a-half _en queue_
+for a permit allowing me to have my luggage examined; and then, you see,
+gentlemen, I haven't the fur coat I bought specially for this visit; the
+Customs people have taken it away, and also the evening clothes I had
+made by Pond just before I left; so that I'm afraid I shan't be able to
+accept the very kind invitations I received by wireless to dine with the
+Brainy Broadway Boys to-night, and to-morrow night with the Chocktaw
+Club.
+
+"What do I think of feminine New York? Why, of course, I think her the
+prettiest, cleverest, best-dressed portion of feminine humanity, and
+with an added charm--a New Yorkiness which is absolutely indescribable.
+No, I haven't met any of her yet, my knowledge of New York being at
+present limited to this wonderful landing pier, your greatly gifted
+Customs officials, and the brilliantly intelligent subordinates of your
+world-renowned Express Company.
+
+"What do I think of Mexican affairs? Well, gentlemen, it seems to me
+that only _Mexicans_ can make themselves really at home in Mexico, and
+that other people had better not try to live there--if living is their
+object.
+
+"Yes, here is my photo and my wife's photo; my father's
+photo; my grandfather's daguerreotype; a black profile of my
+great-grandfather--certainly, gentlemen, I shall be only too pleased and
+proud to have them all reproduced in your scintillating, pulsating
+journals. So long, boys! Delighted to have met you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Distressed Mother._ "'E'S BEEN AN ORFUL TRIAL TO ME EVER
+SINCE THEM PITCHER PALACES BEGAN. FIRST 'E WAS SHOOTIN' AT THE FOWLS,
+AN' NOW 'E'S PINCHIN' MY WOOLLY MATS TER PUT ON 'IS LEGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Mirdite Melody.
+
+[The Mirdite Chief Prenk Bib Doda has joined the first Albanian
+Cabinet.]
+
+    Great is the Gaeckwar of BARODA;
+    Great too was MARCHAND at Fashoda;
+    Great is good brandy blent with soda;
+    But, as a culminating _coda_,
+    Greater by far is PRENK BIB DODA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of work for Trials at Eton:--
+
+"Acts xxi--xxvii (_not_ Ch. xxviii)."
+
+So Smith _mi._ had already guessed, but none the less the prohibition
+came as a great disappointment to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The country between the Gamana and Katsena Rivers was inhabited by
+     Zumperi pagans, who were cannibals and lived on hill
+     tops."--_Times._
+
+Thus differing from some of the inhabitants of Golders Green, who are
+vegetarians and live on turnip-tops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE ONE.
+
+     ["Caroline Cloan clawed suddenly at Slew's eyes. But for a quick
+     movement on his part it might have been very serious. He had only
+     one eye, and could not afford to lose the sight of it."--"_Daily
+     Mirror" Serial._]
+
+    Keen are the claws of _Carrie Cloan_,
+      Rampant her mood. The eye of _Slew_
+    Is one in number; she alone,
+      Blinded by passion, makes it two.
+
+    She's out for eyes, and cannot tarry
+      To ponder arithmetic laws.
+    And what is the result? Miss _Carrie_
+      Claws _Slew_; _Slew_ slews; Miss _Carrie's_ claws
+
+    Miscarry, and the eye is his.
+      Rough on poor _Caroline_, no doubt;
+    But there--the moral of it is,
+      First count your eye, then have it out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ACT I. _"Guvnor" (dismissing office-boy)_. "YOU'VE
+NEGLECTED YOUR WORK," ETC. ETC. "THAT'S MY MOTTO AND EVIDENTLY NOT
+YOURS. TAKE A WEEK'S NOTICE."]
+
+[Illustration: ACT II. (_a week elapses_). THE OFFICE-BOY'S FAREWELL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONDON'S LINKS WITH THE PAST.
+
+
+When I was a child I had the signal honour of being seated upon the knee
+of an old lady whose great-great-great-great-uncle once shook hands with
+a man whose grandfather remembered seeing green fields at the spot which
+is now covered by Carmelite House. How short is the history of the
+Metropolis!
+
+Everybody, of course, is aware that Professor Joff committed one of his
+notorious "howlers" when he derived "Carmelite"--in the street
+name--from "Cromwell's Heights." The latter, needless to say, must have
+been a deal nearer the South Kensington Museum than Whitefriars, famed
+for its sanctuary. CROMWELL _may_ have wandered in the meadows (if they
+still existed in his day) where the 6.30 _News_ now leaps from its
+machines every afternoon about half-past five; he may even (as Plip and
+Johnstone surmise, in their ponderous tomes, _Odd Corners in London_ and
+_More and Odder Corners in London_) have supped at the Pig and
+Mortarboard, which stood on what is now the site of the Ludgate Hill
+station booking-office (Plip, by-the-by, wrongly says not the
+booking-office, but the "book_stall_," an amazing error in one usually
+so careful). But whatever else CROMWELL did or did not do, he certainly
+never gave his name to any district further east than Knightsbridge.
+
+I flatter myself that Professor Joff's preposterous surmises were
+finally silenced by my monograph, _A Hundred Queer Things about Bouverie
+Street._ Curiously enough I wrote this with a pencil borrowed from a
+friend whose aunt once caught sight, as a girl, of a prisoner being
+taken to the Old Bailey to be tried for murder. That prisoner was the
+notorious Budgingham. And now comes the interesting part of the story.
+Budgingham, as transpired at the trial, had bigamously married the
+step-daughter of a man whose godfather's mother's cousin's
+great-grandmother remembered hearing the bells of Bow Church tolling on
+the day when Henri de Bouverie landed in England to attend the funeral
+of his niece, the beautiful Mrs. Coop.
+
+London's history is indeed crowded, though (to the antiquarian) oddly
+short in its perspective. Next week, having sketched the romantic career
+of Henri de Bouverie (concerning whom Professor Joff has made several
+incredible mistakes), I shall give a still more startling example of the
+links which lead us so abruptly to the antechambers of what we might
+have supposed to be the dim and distant past. The Metropolis, to anyone
+who appreciates historical research and can write as easily as I can, is
+a gold-mine; fortunately few pressmen realise its possibilities, and
+that of an _Index Rerum_, as I do. If, as I anticipate, this article is
+printed and paid for with the usual eagerness and a series ordered,
+nothing can stop me---- [Wait and see.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Gallery of Happy Phrases. I.
+
+     "Mr. Tooth, whose name was in everybody's mouth a generation or so
+     ago."
+
+     _Dublin Daily Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POINTS OF VIEW.
+
+
+If you are the sort of person who likes detail and accuracy, who can
+always tell where the north is even in a strange house (there _are_
+people like this; I met one the other day), and--this generally goes
+with it--are good at geography, you had better skip this article. It
+might annoy you. But if you like DEBUSSY, and like watching the sun
+shine through a mist, and have no bump of locality, and hate being shown
+over ruins, you are the sort of person I am, and you will sympathise
+with me.
+
+My trouble is this. Whenever I go to stay in the country I am always
+sooner or later taken a walk, generally a long one, to the highest hill
+they happen to have, and there I am shown a view. Not that I would mind
+if they left it at that, but they don't. One's host generally seems to
+have an absurd pride in some distant church, or gap in a hill "through
+which on fine days you can see the sea"; but even if he hasn't he will
+_always_--if you happen to be in the south of England--point out a patch
+of trees like a small piece of black sticking-plaster and tell you that
+that is Chanctonbury Ring. I never escape Chanctonbury Ring, though I
+have often gone far, even refused invitations, to avoid it. Once in
+Yorkshire--but nobody ever will believe that story, though I never
+pretended it was the same Ring. What I said was that there may be two of
+the same name, or even more: like Richmond, for instance.
+
+"Do you see that hill over there?" he begins. I look where he is
+pointing and see three. "No, not that one," and he comes behind me and
+points over my shoulder. "Follow my finger," he says, and I follow it
+and see a perfectly flat field. But he has to be humoured, and anyhow
+there is lunch to be thought of.
+
+"Yes, yes, _I_ see," I reply hastily, with a touch of "How stupid of
+me!" in my voice.
+
+"Well, carry your eye along the valley on its left, over the white
+house"--this is the only place where there is no white house for
+miles--"and along the strip of road. See the strip of road?" ("See the
+strip of road!" I've been lost in a bog for ages.) "Well, right up as
+far as you can see, following that road and a little to the right, do
+you see a patch of trees?"
+
+When he says "patch of trees," I know.
+
+"Chanctonbury Ring," I say brightly. At any rate, _that's_ finished.
+
+"Yes; how did you know?" he asks disappointedly.
+
+Brute that I am! Why didn't I let him say it?
+
+Only once, as far as I can remember, was I wrong. It was in the
+Cotswolds and we were in a garden, on the side of a hill. From the
+terrace outside the house was a magnificent view. My host strolled up.
+"Pity it's so misty," he said. (I had just been thinking how lovely it
+looked.) "On a fine day, you know, we can see----"
+
+"_Not_ Chanctonbury Ring?" I said pleadingly.
+
+He looked puzzled.
+
+"Tewkesbury,", he said rather coldly, and soon afterwards strolled away
+again.
+
+There are only a very few people whose sympathy one feels sure of when
+one confides troubles to them such as this Ring-finding one of mine. Of
+the very few I feel surest of my Uncle Edward, so I thought I would tell
+him about it when I went to stay with him a little while ago.
+
+"By the by," I said, as we laboured breathlessly up a hill--he lives in
+Surrey--"have you ever noticed ... when you're staying with people
+anywhere in the South of England ... and they take you for a walk ...
+they always, sooner or later----"
+
+"Just wait a minute," he said as we reached the top. "Ah yes, I thought
+you could"--he was smiling happily at something. "I wanted to show you
+before we went on--just over there----" I waited. Somehow the words
+seemed familiar. "See that dark patch right over there, on the furthest
+hill? Well, that's Chanctonbury Ring."
+
+"Yes, you can only see it on a fine day," I replied bitterly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIME'S REVENGE.
+
+     ["Professor Karl Pearson delivered a public Galton Memorial Lecture
+     at the Francis Galton Laboratory for National Eugenics, University
+     College, on "The Handicapping of the First-born." There was, he
+     showed, a tendency for the first-born child to be lighter and
+     smaller than later-born children. On the whole there was a very
+     sensible bias against the first-born."--_Morning Post._]
+
+    Pearson I sing of, eugenic and brainy,
+      Iconoclastic and fearless to dare.
+    Once I thought "eugenist" = "zany,"
+      Now I know better and raise high in air
+        Bumpers Falernian, "Looking towards you."
+        Great be the glory the future awards you,
+        You that have given the first-born a cropper,
+        Bay-leaves immortal encircle your topper;
+    Though you're a scientist, you are no dry ass--
+      I take off my hat to you, KARL, for I share
+          Your "very sensible bias."
+
+    Long were we "minors" oppressed by our "major"
+      All our lives through since we started at school;
+    His was the limelight on every stage, or
+      His was the fire side and ours was the cool;
+        He got the ease of our ancestors' acres,
+        We had to haggle with butchers and bakers,
+        We had their bills to pay--his all the money;
+        Ours was but gall to drink--his tipple honey;
+    He was the "Purbeck" and we were the "Lias."
+      So we against Primogeniture's rule
+          Held very sensible bias.
+
+    Fallen the idol, destroyed the oppressor!
+      Always we felt we were good as the rest,
+    Now from the mouth of K. PEARSON, Professor,
+      Hear we the truth that the younger are best.
+        Vanished the halo that shone round the first-born
+        Now that Eugenics proclaim him the worst born.
+        Praise, Younger Sons, our great KARL, who, new seas
+        Voyaging, found, like the old Portuguese,
+    Capes of Good Hope--our BARTHOLOMEW DIAZ.
+      Shout till the whole world hears clearly expressed
+          _Our_ very sensible bias.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Commercial Candour.
+
+From an advertisement in _The Writers' and Artists' Year Book_, 1914,
+announcing a forthcoming publication:--
+
+     "PHOTOGRAPHS FOR THE PAPERS HOW TO TAKE AND PLACE THEM
+
+     BY JOHN EVERARD
+
+     ROBABLE PRICE 1s. NET."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "As he spoke the Congress hushed its breathing, growing so still
+     that the flutter of a paper interrupted harshly."--_The Daily News._
+
+But this of course could not go on for long, and you should have heard
+it when it unhushed its breathing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "O'Gara proved the saviour of Widnes, for, gathering the ball, he
+     kicked at least half a dozen players before he booted the ball."
+
+     _Liverpool Echo._
+
+The bidding for O'GARA by the clubs of the English League, when this
+news gets about, should be sensational.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PLOT THAT FAILED.
+
+_Dear Old Lady._ "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING ON MY LAWN?"
+
+_Crafty Old Fraud._ "BLESS YER, KIND LADY! I'M THAT 'UNGRY I GOT TO EAT
+GRASS."
+
+_Dear Old Lady._ "IF YOU GO ROUND TO THE BACK YOU'LL FIND THE GRASS
+GROWS MUCH LONGER AND THICKER THERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Murders, divorces, by-elections and new insurance schemes from time to
+time occupy the most conspicuous columns of the daily Press and receive
+our deep attention, but these things occur suddenly and are soon
+forgotten. Civil war in Mexico preceded and outlives them all as a
+matter of sensation, and the psychological moment in the career of that
+other "distressful country" is interminable. How the revolutions began,
+in what manner they continue and when they are likely to end, are
+questions which agitate the minds of men when they read their morning
+papers at breakfast, their evening papers after dinner and their reviews
+over the week-end. It was obvious that some qualified student of affairs
+should forget the events of the moment, visit Mexico at whatever risk to
+himself, personally witness the internecine squabbles in progress, and,
+if he was lucky enough to survive the experience, write up the matter in
+a compact and entertaining volume for our better understanding of the
+whole. Having regard to the present condition of the country as I now
+understand it, I should say there was no rush of applications for the
+job; certainly if my Editor should ask me to go out there and test the
+accuracy of Mr. H. HAMILTON FYFE'S observations, as expressed in _The
+Real Mexico: a Study on the Spot_ (HEINEMANN), I should at once discover
+an important engagement to prevent my accepting his kind invitation. Mr.
+FYFE'S narrative is, however, too graphic and his description too real
+to admit of doubt; I am glad that there was no competition and his
+subject has been left to be dealt with by the best man for the purpose.
+Given the title of the book and the name of the author, there is no more
+need of recommendation to the English public; but I beg Messrs. WILSON
+and BRYAN (of the U.S.A.) to read, mark, learn and, if their physique is
+capable of the feat, inwardly digest it. They should know, in glaring
+detail, the ills general and individual resulting from what the American
+resident in Mexico calls their "grape-juice" policy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Four imprisonments of varying lengths, one of them including forcible
+feeding, presumably give Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON a right to record her
+experiences, and the chronicle she presents in _Prisons and Prisoners_
+(HEINEMANN) is telling through its very simplicity and directness. Such
+a tale would be hardly likely to prove other than "an indictment of our
+existing prison system" (as orators have it); but Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON
+is careful to punctiliousness in her recognition of the kindness and
+natural sympathy of many of the officials, even while she condemns the
+rules and regulations which tend to cramp and stifle the gentler side of
+human nature. Still, our prison system has had to stand a good deal of
+attack before this. We should most of us be thankful to change it if we
+knew how, and I need never despise hints in this direction. The interest
+of the book, however, is by far the greatest when it is regarded as a
+running commentary on the modern feminist movement. It is impossible to
+read such a book seriously without feeling a strong admiration for the
+courage, self-sacrifice and resolution it reflects, and at the same time
+a quite appalling sense of waste. When a way has been found to apply to
+the needs of our bewildered country the powers of such women as form the
+heroines of Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON'S book, I for one shall not be
+surprised if things begin to happen. But at present the results that
+they have achieved, even upon their own showing and apart from all
+criticism of methods, seem quite incommensurate with the amount of
+trouble and pain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Custody of the Child_ (HUTCHINSON) Mr. PHILIP GIBBS has chosen a
+difficult theme--the story of a broken home, told from the child's point
+of view, and he has handled it like an artist. Of the three books into
+which this biography of _Nicholas Barton_ is divided, the first is so
+much the best that the second seems a little tame. This was, of course,
+inevitable, for the first book is the thunderstorm, the second the
+gentle rain which follows it. I have another reason for deriving
+particular pleasure from the opening book, and that is that the scene is
+laid in a Battersea Park flat. I have long since marked down Battersea
+as one of London's most romantic neighbourhoods. To a child, the
+curiously mingled intimacy and exclusiveness of life among the
+cliff-dwellers of that long road facing the Park, where you drop your
+toys out of your front garden (which house-agents call a balcony) and
+see them impounded as legitimate gifts that have dropped from Heaven by
+a perfect stranger in the front garden of the ground-floor flat, must be
+a perpetual wonder. Mr. GIBBS has brought this out so persuasively that
+I have shaken hands with him after each sentence. There is not an
+incident in Book I. that is not exactly right. The rest of the story,
+with its courageous avoidance of unmitigated happiness in the ending,
+never fails to arrest, unless for a moment or so in the middle; but for
+me at least the real charm of the volume lies in Book I.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Let us try to avoid the detestable trick of sentimentality when dealing
+with this beloved, presuming, gallant, unhappy man." So Mrs. EVAN NEPEAN
+adjures us and herself; and it must be confessed that the warning was
+needed. For the man was JAMES, Duke of MONMOUTH, a study of whom she has
+written under the title of _On the Left of a Throne_ (LANE); and of all
+the Stuarts he is the one about whom it is most difficult to avoid being
+sentimental. Mrs. NEPEAN has perhaps just succeeded, but only just; and
+we will agree, therefore, to call her style vividly enthusiastic. She is
+quite frankly in love with MONMOUTH throughout. That wonderful,
+dangerous beauty fascinates her; and who, looking at the delightful
+portraits with which the book abounds, is going to blame her or anyone
+else for yielding to its charm? One fortunate result of this attitude is
+that the Fairy Prince of the seventeenth century lives again in the pages
+of this fervent admirer as he would never have lived in those of a
+colder historian. Dancing, riding, hunting, raking and fighting, we are
+bound to feel about him much as old PEPYS did, who called him, in a
+memorable and picturesque phrase, "skittish and leaping," and, for all
+his righteous disapproval, admired with the best. "How he would have
+loved flying!" is Mrs. NEPEAN'S very characteristic comment upon a
+record of her hero's graceful activities. For one thing especially does
+the writer of this study deserve gratitude. She dwells purposely as
+little as possible upon the details of the rebellion; but she has made
+it her duty to win back for MONMOUTH some of the credit for personal
+courage of which popular history has been too ready to deprive him. Here
+you may read how, after the short agony of nerves was over, he faced
+death with a placid and untheatrical bravery, than which the long
+records of the scaffold show nothing finer. It is a profoundly moving
+end to a fascinating story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+THE MAN WHO TAKES IMPRESSIONS OF THE FOOTPRINTS OF FAMOUS AUTHORS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After reading _Two Women_ (METHUEN) I hope to avoid "girl bachelors" for
+a very long time. They are, Mr. MAX PEMBERTON says, curious products of
+the century, and I am not disposed to contradict him. In _Gertrude
+Wynne's_ flat, "Debussy's music was open upon a miniature grand, and a
+volume of Anatola France stood upon the marquetry table near the
+fireplace"; but in _Doris Holt's_ room "an open piano had a song from a
+revue upon it, while a translation of one of Paul de Koch's novels lay
+upon the window-seat." That ought to give the key to their characters,
+but if it does not, let me boldly add that _Gertrude_ was clever and
+sedate, while _Doris_ was a queen of minxes. _Doris_, indeed, got
+herself into a pretty mess with a vulgar philanderer called _Lord
+Raymore_, and was justly punished by marrying him. This _Raymore_ man
+despised politics, but all the same he had made up his mind to "win a
+place in the Tory Cabinet, and to pose there as the new Disraeli," which
+makes me think that Mr. PEMBERTON is occasionally funnier than he means
+to be. Not until we get away from the girl bachelors and are off on a
+spying expedition to Germany with _Captain Ainsworth_ does the story
+grip. Then, however, things begin to happen, and the flight from the
+German fortress, in which _Ainsworth_ had been imprisoned, is really
+thrilling. In his next book I hope Mr. PEMBERTON will leave "curious
+products" alone and let us have an extra dose of adventure to make up
+for the meagre allowance contained in _Two Women_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is far more important to have the right style in the country
+     than in town. Men don't want their women to wear something that
+     will frighten the birds away. Nothing cheap or badly cut ought ever
+     to be worn in the country."
+
+     _Vanity Fair and Hearth & Home._
+
+_The birds_: "We really cannot stay to be shot to-day, the women are
+wearing such cheap clothes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Close of an essay by a small girl on CHARLES I.:--"Had Charles the First
+been more strong minded and sincere, he would have been a better king;
+as it was, he was more suited for a clergyman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, March 25, 1914, by Various
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24358]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<h1> PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 146</h2>
+<hr class="short"/>
+<h2>25 MARCH 1914.</h2>
+<hr class="short"/>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The attention of the <span class="smcap">American Ambassador</span> has been called to the danger
+of after-dinner speaking. There is many a true word said in
+digestion&mdash;and the truth is apt to hurt sensitive nations.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Art circles continue to seethe with indignation over the National
+Gallery outrage. Even the Post-Impressionists have now no sympathy with
+the Suffragettes, for they realise that, while in this instance it was
+only a Velasquez which was injured, next time it might be a sublime
+Bomberg or a transcendent Wyndham Lewis.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="smcap">Hiram Maxim</span> has addressed an open letter to Mrs. <span class="smcap">Pankhurst</span>
+containing a number of questions, and asking for certain definite
+information before he joins her party. Nothing, we believe, would please
+that party better than to be able to add a Maxim to its armament.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A number of Liverpool women, many of whom are Suffragettes, have formed
+a Women's Church. A feature of this Church will no doubt be the
+institution of frequent Fasts with a view to training the worshippers to
+cope with the difficulties of every-day life.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A fire brigade composed entirely of girl students successfully
+fought a fire last week at Wellesley College, a famous American
+educational institution. A strongly-worded protest against their
+unwomanly conduct has, we understand, been sent from the headquarters of
+the W.S.P.U.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>After much wordy warfare between our contemporary's readers, the
+proprietors of <i>The Saturday Westminster Gazette</i> have now decided
+definitely that it shall be printed on white paper, on the ground that
+this is better for the eyesight, and the White-and-See party has thus
+gained a notable victory over the Green-and-Bear-It party.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Roy Horniman</span> has become chairman of the Committee for the Prevention
+of Cruelty to Stage Animals. There is good work to be done here. We have
+always understood that the hind-legs of the Pantomime dragon suffer
+terribly while on the stage, owing to the closeness of the atmosphere.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Rumours reach us of trouble between <i>The Daily Mail</i> and its
+enterprising young <i>prot&eacute;ge,</i> <i>The Times.</i> It is all on account of the
+former possibly being compelled to modify its announcement, "Daily net
+sale six times as large as that of any penny London morning journal,"
+and charges of ingratitude are flying about.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>From the North-West Frontier of India comes the news that the
+station-master has been kidnapped from Shahkat station by raiders. It is
+now proposed that, with a view to preventing the recurrence of such a
+theft, every station-master shall in future wear a collar with a bell
+attached to it which would give the alarm.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-221a.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-221a.jpg" alt="Sir Vavasour" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Sir Vavasour, having dragged the now almost unconscious
+maiden to the edge of the cliff, was about to throw her over, when ... </span>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-221b.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-221b.jpg" alt="The artist changed his mind" /></a>
+<span class="smcap">The artist changed his mind and turned them into a couple
+dancing the Tango</span>.<br /><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<p>At a dinner to Mr. <span class="smcap">Ramsay Macdonald</span>, the chairman referred to "the two
+wings of the Labour movement." Two wings, unfortunately, do not make an
+angel.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Some pigeons, it is stated, have built their nests and are rearing their
+young at the very point of the Tower Bridge bascules. The S.P.C.A.,
+always alert, is presumably moving in the matter with a view to the
+bridge being closed until the little family is out in the world.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>The expression, "The Theatre of War," gets more apt every day. During
+the Balkan War the Servians and Montenegrins used a rattle to imitate
+machine-gun fire, and a machine has now been devised for imitating the
+noise of an aeroplane engine, with the object of alarming hostile
+troops.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>"We like the stories of men who joked on their death-beds," says <i>The
+Times</i> in a leader. Now that <i>The Times</i> has signified its approval we
+shall never be surprised to see this become Society's latest hobby.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>The Duke of <span class="smcap">Devonshire</span> has sold a portion of his library, consisting of
+early editions of <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> and <span class="smcap">Chaucer</span>, to an American dealer for
+&pound;200,000. His Grace is said to have calculated that, if he replaced
+these books by the nice handy little editions which are now to be
+obtained for sixpence and a shilling a-piece, the transaction would mean
+a considerable profit for him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A skeleton, which is computed to be 150,000 years old, has been
+discovered by a German professor. From the position in which it was
+found it is conjectured that the man was drowned, and the police will no
+doubt take the matter up, and the relatives will, if possible, be
+communicated with.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>In an age when cheapness seems to be most persons' ideal, it is
+refreshing to note that there has been placed on the market a musical
+instrument which frankly calls itself the Dea Piano.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>SONG.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> the sunshine went the bee</p>
+<p class="i2">Busily, O busily;</p>
+<p class="i0">White birds flashed upon the sea,</p>
+<p class="i2">White cliffs mounted dizzily;</p>
+<p class="i0">There a shepherd tuned his reed</p>
+<p class="i0">For the maiden of his need:</p>
+<p class="i0">"Shepherdess," he piped, "give heed!"</p>
+<p class="i2">Long ago in Sicily.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"As the sky your eyes are blue,"</p>
+<p class="i2">He continued wittily</p>
+<p class="i0">(When he said this it was new&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Just come south from Italy);</p>
+<p class="i0">And she let her lids downfall</p>
+<p class="i0">(This was then original)</p>
+<p class="i0">At the marvel of it all&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Prettily, O prettily.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So the milch-goats went astray&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">That's the short and long of it;</p>
+<p class="i0">While they laughed the hours away&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">That's the right and wrong of it;</p>
+<p class="i0">Till the white wings ceased to strive,</p>
+<p class="i0">Till the brown bee sought the hive;</p>
+<p class="i0">"Wonderful!" they said&mdash;and I've</p>
+<p class="i2">Made a silly song of it.</p></div></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>
+
+<h2><a name="JOBSONS" id="JOBSONS"></a>JOBSON'S.</h2>
+
+<p>"Is it a bad one?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"It's just one of my headaches," said the lady of the house.</p>
+
+<p>"But some of your headaches," I said, "are different from others.
+Some&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"This," she said, "is one of the different ones."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it like those you have when Mrs. Martlet comes to collect on behalf
+of the Chimney-Sweeps' Aid Society? I mean, will it yield to treatment
+in about an hour?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," she groaned; "it's even worse than those. It's all over my head."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but if that's the sort I'm all sympathy. Only tell me what I can
+do. Are cold compresses any good? Or the doctor? It might be measles,
+you know. All the best people have measles now. Real measles, I mean;
+not the German sort. Shall I start isolating you? They tell me I'm a
+first-class isolater."</p>
+
+<p>"No," she said, "don't do that. It sounds so heartless."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "if there's anything else in reason I'm your man."</p>
+
+<p>"I want you," she said, "to go to London."</p>
+
+<p>"To London?" I said. "Of course I'll go. It's the very place I'm wanting
+to go to. In fact, I was going there anyhow; only when you said you'd
+got a headache I thought I'd stay here and help to cool your brow."</p>
+
+<p>"But why," she murmured, "were you going to London anyhow?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because," I said, "I've bought a season ticket. When the
+ticket-collector comes round I shan't fumble in all my pockets, or
+scrabble on the floor, or get red and nervous. I shall just sit tight
+without looking at him and whisper 'Season' from behind my penny
+<i>Times.</i> I've always wanted to be like that, and now I am it."</p>
+
+<p>"But will you get your money's worth out of it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, "if I have to travel up and down three times a day to do
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"And will you be an angel?" she said.</p>
+
+<p>"I am. My wings are fully grown."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I want you to fly for me to Jobson's."</p>
+
+<p>"To Jobson's?" I said in a voice of vague alarm.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Jobson's. The great Stores in the Bothwell Road."</p>
+
+<p>"But I shall get lost," I said. "I haven't got a head for Stores.
+Perhaps if I sew my address into the back of my waistcoat I might
+venture, but it's an awful undertaking. And how does one dress for
+Stores?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, anyhow," she said. "And when you get there I want you to order some
+stockings for the girls&mdash;about four pairs each&mdash;and three warm
+undervests for John."</p>
+
+<p>"But what about the size?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"You won't have any difficulty. Mention their ages, or take up a few old
+sample stockings and an undervest with you. They won't be heavy to
+carry. Now leave me to my headache."</p>
+
+<p>Not long afterwards I was in London, having travelled up gently but
+firmly as a season-ticket holder. With a beating heart I made my way to
+the imposing block of buildings known as Jobson's and entered its
+portals. As I did so I realised in a flash of shame that I had left my
+parcel of samples in the train. I had known it would be so. I am not
+accustomed to carry brown paper parcels in railway carriages, and of
+course I had forgotten it. As I failed afterwards to get it back I have
+the satisfaction of knowing that someone has been badly disappointed. To
+carry off a parcel and then to find that it contains three stockings,
+all with holes in the toes and knees, and one small undervest buttonless
+and torn into strips up the back, must be a bitter blow.</p>
+
+<p>Jobson's, when I entered it, was a scene of great animation. Crowds of
+customers, nearly all women, were standing about or moving purposefully
+in various directions. Brisk and harassed attendants, male and female,
+were rushing hither and thither. Confusion and purchase reigned supreme.
+Keeping a tight hold on myself I wandered on until, by some mistake, I
+found myself in the Ladies' Dress department.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Sir?" said one of the girls in a tone of surprised interrogation.</p>
+
+<p>"Can I order a dress?" I said nervously. "A lady's dress, you know. For
+my wife," I added hastily, for a look of cold disapproval had shown
+itself on the attendant's face. "She has a bad headache or she would
+have come herself. Or is there an Ironmongery department?"</p>
+
+<p>"Second floor. You can go in the lift," said the girl.</p>
+
+<p>The Ironmongery department was attractive beyond description. Fire-irons
+glittered, fenders gleamed, and there was a lawn-mower which gaped so
+pathetically that I was all but forced to buy it.</p>
+
+<p>"Is anyone looking after you, Sir?" said a gentleman with the air and
+manners of a diplomatist.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I said; "I want a stocking or two."</p>
+
+<p>"Hosiery department on the ground floor. You can go in the lift;" and he
+too left me.</p>
+
+<p>Down I went again, plunged head-first through the Ladies' Dress
+department, and came to an anchor amongst the pipes, cigars, cigarettes
+and tobacco. Here I bought two pipes, a cigar-cutter, and five
+match-stands of a very novel design. Having thus paid my footing, I
+addressed the salesman.</p>
+
+<p>"Take me," I said, "to the Hosiery department."</p>
+
+<p>"Straight on, Sir," he said, "and turn to the right before you get to
+the musical instruments."</p>
+
+<p>"No, no," I said, "that won't do. I have been trying to get there all
+day by myself and have failed. I am so very musical. If I go alone I
+shall be drawn in among the flutes and harmoniums. Conduct me to the
+hosiery or I shall return the match-stands."</p>
+
+<p>Moved by my appeal he conducted me, and at last reached my haven and
+made my purchases. When I got home, the headache was gone, and in its
+place there was a critical spirit which prophesied that all the
+stockings would certainly be of the wrong size and quality, while the
+undervests would be equally useless. About the pipes, cigar-cutter and
+the match-stands I preferred to say nothing at all.</p>
+
+<p>On the whole the visit to Jobson's was a failure. R. C. L.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+<h2>THE BEST POLICY.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Addressed to either pioneer of journalistic insurance.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Great Paper</span> (with the booster circulation),</p>
+<p class="i2">I much admire your latest enterprise;</p>
+<p class="i0">I positively cheer with acclamation</p>
+<p class="i2">When, daily, lines like these arrest my eyes:</p>
+<p class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Another of our Readers Breaks His Neck</span>;</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Photo of Relatives Receiving Cheque</span>."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Yes, yes, I <i>know</i> you meet more claims and vaster</p>
+<p class="i2">Than does your noisy rival on the press;</p>
+<p class="i0">Methinks the Furies, plotters of disaster,</p>
+<p class="i2">Intend your scheme to be the true success;</p>
+<p class="i0">And, of the pair, 'tis you appear to be</p>
+<p class="i0">The surer passport to eternity.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So, sighing not for realms that are infernal,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'll buy the meaner sheet, the over-matched;</p>
+<p class="i0">Or, better still, some nice old-fashioned journal</p>
+<p class="i2">To which no startling terror is attached;</p>
+<p class="i0">Let others read you, heroes who can brave</p>
+<p class="i0">The instant peril of a bloody grave!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/illus-223.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-223.jpg" alt="Sir Vavasour" /></a>
+
+</div>
+
+<h3> LIGHTENING THE DARKNESS.</h3>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+The <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> has opened a fund to assist the National Institute for
+the Blind in its endeavour to increase and cheapen the supply of <span class="smcap">Braille</span>
+literature.</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>
+
+<h2>IN THE BRAVE 3<sup>D.</sup> DAYS.</h2>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>
+
+<p>In these times of change and stress I have been remembering with much
+relief a curious character who haunted the British Museum Reading Room a
+quarter of a century ago. He cannot be there still, for he was elderly
+then: a military-looking man with a very upright, almost corsetted,
+form, a reddish face and a gingery moustache that in its prime might
+have graced a major. His eye however, was not martial, but blue and
+mild, watery and wandering, its quest being, I fancy, a convivial
+acquaintance with enough money and generosity for two instalments of
+refreshment. His hair, which was scanty, was carefully brushed, and
+parted at the back even to his collar, and upon it was perched at a
+slight angle a tall hat ironed beyond endurance. His erect body was
+encased in a tightly-buttoned frock-coat so shiny that it glistened, and
+as for his boots, no really softhearted observer could bear to look
+twice at them, so inadequate were they to our city of rain.</p>
+
+<p>Such was this jaunty thread-bare scholar; but what was his special
+branch of learning I never discovered, nor did he make the discovery
+easy, for, though he had a desk, it seldom had books upon it, and he was
+rarely there: drifting instead about the vast room, exchanging a few
+words with this or that crony, and too often leaving it with them on
+brief expeditions across the road. He may merely have been a
+sermon-copyist, busy only towards Sunday. He may have been a loafer pure
+and simple. I say I don't know; but he was a landmark of the place,
+idiosyncratic enough to be stamped indelibly on at any rate one retina.</p>
+
+<p>One other touch is needed to complete his appearance. He always wore
+gloves, which my memory inclines me to believe had once been pale
+yellow, and he was always accompanied by a copy of <i>The Times.</i> This,
+however, he did not carry in his hand, but he tucked it between the
+first and second buttons of his frock-coat, so folded that the title was
+visible, thus guaranteeing to the world that he was one who went to the
+fountain-head for his politics and foreign information. By this
+sign-mark, in spite of the wear and tear which were only too visible in
+his clothes, he became a man apart, for few regular readers among us
+could afford such an organ, even if we were attracted by anything so
+august and severe. But naturally we all thought the more of him for his
+journal. The suggestion of poverty became merely eccentricity.</p>
+
+<p>And then one day, standing by him closely, I made the humiliating
+discovery&mdash;as humiliating to me as to him&mdash;that the date of the
+protruding copy of <i>The Times</i> was a year or so past, and, looking more
+narrowly at the paper itself, I realised that it had been folded thus
+for months and months and months ...</p>
+
+<p>Innocent deception! I wish I had never detected it, and I am glad to
+think that the gallant old gentleman never knew that it was pierced. But
+how comforting it is to know that he was well in his grave before the
+great revolution of this month set in, to reduce his proof of gentility
+to a penny, and thus reducing it, to render it invalid evermore!</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/illus-225.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-225.jpg" alt="Sir Vavasour" /></a>
+<br /><br />
+<span class="smcap">"Is that right, Charlie, 'as your Missus 'its you wiv a flat-iron?"</span><br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">"Er&mdash;yus&mdash;but only with the blunt end of it"</span>.
+</div>
+
+<h3> LOYALTY.</h3>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>Commercial Threat.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"General Bakery and Confectionery. We carry a large stock in both
+lines. Get the Richardson Bread habit. It will tickle you."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily News (Port Arthur, Canada.</i>)</p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">"Italian war medals</span>.</p>
+
+<p>(From Our Own Correspondent).</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>War vessels were distributed to the troops to-day in the Piazza
+Pledisato."</p>
+
+<p><i>Standard of Buenos Aires.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Much better to have stuck to the first idea and given them medals.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>The Oxford Ducks.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Going up a good water they rowed a minute at 32, but otherwise
+were only waddling."&mdash;<i>Yorkshire Evening Post.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/illus-226.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-226.jpg" alt="Recruiting Sergeant." /></a>
+
+<span class="smcap"><i>Recruiting Sergeant</i></span>.<span class="smcap">"Now, I can tell character when I
+see it, so mark my words. If you join now you'll be a swankin' general
+in five years."</span><br /><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>POPULAR MISCONCEPTIONS.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>["Lord Northcliffe rarely sees and never reads a letter, being
+mainly nowadays engaged in golf and travel."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p>Nothing is more curious in the journalistic world than the widespread
+illusion which prevails as to the nature of Mr. Larvin's editorial
+activities. The common view is that he writes nineteen columns in every
+issue of the <i>Sunday Swerver</i>, besides contributing a leading article,
+seven leaderettes, three reviews and a "special" political manifesto to
+each number of the <i>Pale Mail Gazette.</i> As a matter of fact nothing
+could be wider of the mark. Mr. Larvin for many years has taken a
+detached and dispassionate view of politics, devoting the greater part
+of his time to collecting Egyptian papyri, and playing squash racquets,
+at which he is remarkably proficient. Although he occasionally inspires
+a paragraph in one or other of the papers mentioned, he hardly ever
+comes to either office, and is not even known by sight to the office
+boys.</p>
+
+<p>Another instance of the wide discrepancy between fact and popular belief
+is furnished by the case of Mr. Murbidge, the manager of Garrod's
+Stores. Mr. Murbidge is commonly supposed to be an omniscient and
+ubiquitous administrator, who holds all the strings of Garrod's in his
+hands, and to whom all questions are referred for immediate decision. No
+one is more amused at this extraordinary hallucination than Mr. Murbidge
+himself. Nowadays he is almost entirely occupied in tarpon fishing,
+running a plovers' egg farm on Romney Marsh, and playing the pianola.</p>
+
+<p>Sir James Lignum's appearances at Queen's Hall have led to a host of
+misconceptions as to his real interests and accomplishments. It is true
+that he wields the <i>b&acirc;ton</i> on those occasions, but he never sees the
+orchestra at any other time or hears a note of music, being entirely
+occupied with philately and teaching a boys' club boxing in the
+East-end. The band are absolutely independent of his control, while
+acquiescing in his presence as a valuable spectacular asset, owing to
+the extreme whiteness of his hands, the exquisite cut of his frock-coat,
+and the capillary attraction exerted on the audience by his glossy and
+luxuriant chevelure.</p>
+
+<p>We understand that Mr. Larry Cawdor is deeply incensed by the widespread
+prevalence of the erroneous impression that he still appears in the
+music-halls. For many years he has been replaced by an imitator who
+bears the same name and has modelled himself, both vocally and
+histrionically, on his illustrious namesake. But the real Larry Cawdor
+never sets foot inside a music-hall nowadays, being mainly engaged on
+an exhaustive commentary on the <i>Talmud</i> and devoting his scanty leisure
+to the collection of entomological specimens for his private museum.</p>
+
+<p>It is strange that so many people believe that the finances of the
+country are still controlled by Mr. <span class="smcap">Lloyd George</span>. Nominally of course he
+is still Chancellor of the Exchequer, but he never goes near the
+Treasury, never reads a State Paper or troubles his head with facts or
+figures. When he is not inspiring our Foreign Policy&mdash;for which Sir
+<span class="smcap">Edward Grey</span> so unfairly gains the credit&mdash;he is generally to be found
+playing piquet with Mr. T. P. <span class="smcap">O'Connor</span>, or four-ball foursomes with Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Masterman</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Devlin</span> and the Baron <span class="smcap">de Forest</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Some misguided people have formed the odd habit of thinking of Sir
+Treebohm Herr as an actor. But how far from the truth this is will be
+ascertained in a moment when we say that he devotes himself almost
+wholly to studying his brother's facetious drawings and attempting to
+improve on them. Any histrionic reputation that he may have made has
+been the work of understudies while the principal was busy with his
+<i>quasi</i>-comic pencil.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Seldom Gorfridge, the great American shopkeeper whose advertisements
+are so highly esteemed by the London Press, is popularly believed to be
+interested in his business. This is, of course, a foolish misconception.
+Mr. Gorfridge has but one consuming passion and that is pigeon flying.
+Week in and week out he is absorbed by this pursuit at his magnificent
+home in Cornwall, and all that he knows of Oxford Street and millinery
+he learns from the evening papers.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>
+<h2>FOOD--NOT MERELY FOR THOUGHT.</h2>
+
+<p>["Brick tea in Mongolia not only acts as food, but is used as
+currency and generally as a means of exchange. It is a very ancient
+custom, and house rent in Urga is often computed on so many bricks
+of tea."]</p>
+
+<p><i>From "With the Russians in Mongolia."</i></p>
+
+<p>The introduction of a food currency on more extensive lines into this
+country might produce such results as the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Try the new "Var-ray" Mashie</span>.<br /><br />
+
+Price One Sausage.</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">White's Cold Complexion Cream</span>.<br /><br />
+
+Price 12 Strawberries.</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<span class="smcap">Companion Wanted</span>.&mdash;Apply,<br />
+stating Celery required, E. A. T. <span class="smcap">Green</span>,<br />
+Vegetarian Mansions, S.W.</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Irish Linen Co., Och, Ireland</span>.<br /><br />
+
+Write to-day for Catalogue,<br /> enclosing pat of butter to cover
+postage.</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Gents' Toilet Saloon,</span>, Oxford St., W.<br /><br /> Shave ... One Cut from the
+Joint. <br />Hair-cut, Shampoo, etc. One Sheep's Head.</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Why Pay More?</span><br /><br /><span class="smcap">The Life of Lloyd George</span>.<br /><br />By Bertie Du Porke.<br />
+
+In side boards, price One Welsh Rarebit.<br /> In half-calf, price One
+Pound (of Veal).</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Sheepshanks &amp; Co.,<br /><br />Gents' Outfitters</span>.<br /><br />
+Gents' ready-to-wear Cycling and Golf Knickers.<br />
+Usual price, Two Legs of Lamb. Sale price, Two Legs of Mutton.<br />
+Cycling Hose, to clear&mdash;Two Calves Foot Jellies per pair.<br />Gents'
+White Spats, clearance price&mdash;One Bag of Nuts.<br /><br />
+<span class="smcap">Sheepshanks &amp; Co.,</span> Poultry, E.C.<br /><br />Lists sent Paste Free.</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Clerk Wanted</span>.&mdash;The successful applicant would be enabled to earn
+his bread and butter daily.&mdash;Apply,<br /><br /><span class="smcap">T. Potter &amp; Co., E.C.</span></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">Peckstein Hall</span>.</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter">To-morrow at Three.<br /><br />
+Vocalist ... Miss Lottie Teathe. At the Mouth Organ. M. Grubbe.<br /><br />
+Prices:&mdash; Boxes, Three Gross Sardines. Body, One Pig's Heart.</div>
+
+<hr class="hr"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/illus-227.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-227.jpg" alt="Some of the large Stores are giving exhibitions." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<span class="smcap">Some of the large Stores are giving exhibitions of how to
+choose a suitable hat. Above we show a tragedy in Six Acts of the
+customer whom no hat will suit</span>.
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr"/>
+
+<h2>THE CHIMES AND THE CHUBE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">As when a solemn bell</p>
+<p class="i2">Sounds from a little spire</p>
+<p class="i0">The smock-frocked villagers to tell</p>
+<p class="i0">"'Tis church time," and they heed the summons well,</p>
+<p class="i0">Gaffer, and Jarge and Kate, and tiny Nell,</p>
+<p class="i2">And last of all comes Squire&mdash;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So have I heard afar</p>
+<p class="i2">And pondered on my crimes,</p>
+<p class="i0">Reader of many a flashy par.</p>
+<p class="i0">While travelling in the subterranean car,</p>
+<p class="i0">A voice that murmured, "What a fool you are</p>
+<p class="i2">Not to take in <i>The Chimes</i>!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I said, "It costs three d.,"</p>
+<p class="i2">But lied about the cause;</p>
+<p class="i0">I feared the toils of destiny,</p>
+<p class="i0">I felt those stately columns close on me,</p>
+<p class="i0">I shuddered as I rattled like a pea</p>
+<p class="i2">Citywards without pause.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>Tuppence</i>! The fearful sound</p>
+<p class="i2">Pealed like an organ crash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Once more the mesh was drawing round,</p>
+<p class="i0">But still I cried, "Economy!" and drowned</p>
+<p class="i0">The still small voice, and in the Underground</p>
+<p class="i2">Flaunted <i>The Daily Flash.</i></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Short shrift for those that err!</p>
+<p class="i2">Jove has rebuked my sin:</p>
+<p class="i0">Now, helpless and without demur,</p>
+<p class="i0">You shall behold me where the tube-lifts purr</p>
+<p class="i0">Pale captive to the penny <i>Thunderer</i></p>
+<p class="i2">With supplements heaved in.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Only one thing I cry,</p>
+<p class="i2">With tears and laughter mixed,</p>
+<p class="i0">That those who speed or far or nigh</p>
+<p class="i0">The swift-winged wains of the Electric Ry.,</p>
+<p class="i0">And furnish them with little thongs whereby</p>
+<p class="i2">The passengers are fixed.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Shall heed the altered price,</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall change with changing times,</p>
+<p class="i0">And run some trains more slow than mice,</p>
+<p class="i0">Stopping between each station once or twice,</p>
+<p class="i0">Fitted with lecterns of a fair device</p>
+<p class="i2">To help me read my <i>Chimes.</i></p>
+</div></div>
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">EVOE</span>.</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<span class="smcap">"THE ORGANIZER, MARCH</span>, 1914.<br /><br />
+<span class="smcap">Trouble</span> always follows misunderstanding.<br /> The worst kind of trouble
+comes from failure to realize the extent of one's capacity.<br /><br />
+<span class="smcap">Learn your real value.<br />
+Price Twopence</span>."<br /><br />
+Even this doesn't encourage us.
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ORANGES AND LEMONS.</h2>
+
+<p>III.&mdash;<span class="smcap">settling down</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The villa was high up on the hill, having (as Simpson was to point out
+several times later) Mentone on its left hand and Monte Carlo on its
+right. A long winding path led up through its garden of olives to the
+front door, and through the mimosa trees which flanked this door we
+could see already a flutter of white aprons. The staff was on the loggia
+waiting to greet us.</p>
+
+<p>We halted a moment out of sight of the ladies above and considered
+ourselves. It came to us with a sudden shock that we were a very large
+party.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose," said Archie to Simpson, "they do expect all of us and not
+only you? You told them that about half London was coming?"</p>
+
+<p>"We're only six," said Myra, "because I've just counted again, but we
+seem about twenty."</p>
+
+<p>"It's quite all right," said Simpson cheerfully. "I said we'd be six."</p>
+
+<p>"But six in a letter is much smaller than six of us like this; and when
+they see our luggage&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Let's go back," I suggested, suddenly nervous. To be five guests of the
+guest of a man you have never met is delicate work.</p>
+
+<p>At this critical moment Archie assumed command. He is a Captain in the
+Yeomanry and has tackled bigger jobs than this in his time.</p>
+
+<p>"We must get ourselves into proper order," he said. "Simpson, the villa
+has been lent to <i>you</i>; you must go first. Dahlia and I come next. When
+we arrive you will introduce us as your friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mannering.
+Then turning to Myra you say, 'Mr. Mannering's sister; and this,' you
+add, 'is her husband.' Then&mdash;er&mdash;Thomas&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"It will be difficult to account for Thomas," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Thomas comes at the end. He hangs back a little at first; and then if
+he sees that there is going to be any awkwardness about him, he can
+pretend he's come on the wrong night, and apologise and go home again."</p>
+
+<p>"If Thomas goes, I go," said Myra dramatically.</p>
+
+<p>"I have another idea," I said. "Thomas hides here for a bit. We
+introduce ourselves and settle in, and have lunch; and after lunch we
+take a stroll in the garden, and to our great surprise discover Thomas.
+'Thomas,' we say, '<i>you</i> here? Dear old chap, we thought you were in
+England. How splendid! Where are you staying? Oh, but you must stop with
+<i>us</i>; we can easily have a bed put up for you in the garage.' And
+then&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Not after lunch," said Thomas; "before lunch."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't all be so silly," smiled Dahlia. "They'll wonder what has
+happened to us if we wait any longer. Besides, the men will be here with
+the luggage directly. Come along."</p>
+
+<p>"Samuel," said Archie, "forward."</p>
+
+<p>In our new formation we marched up, Simpson excited and rehearsing to
+himself the words of introduction, we others outwardly calm. At a range
+of ten yards he opened fire. "How do you do?" he beamed. "Here we all
+are! Isn't it a lovely&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The cook-housekeeper, majestic but kindly, came forward with
+outstretched hand and welcomed him volubly&mdash;in French. The other three
+ladies added their French to hers. There was only one English body on
+the loggia. It belonged to a bull-dog. The bull-dog barked loudly at
+Simpson in English.</p>
+
+<p>There was no "Cook's homme" to save Simpson this time. But he rose to
+the occasion nobly. The scent of the mimosa inspired him.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Merci</i>," he said, "<i>Merci. Oui, n'est ce pas</i>? Delightful. Er&mdash;these
+are&mdash;<i>ces sont mes amis.</i> Er&mdash;Dahlia, come along&mdash;er, <i>Monsieur et
+Madame Mannering</i>&mdash;er&mdash;Myra, <i>la soeur de Monsieur</i>&mdash;- er&mdash;where are
+you, old chap?&mdash;<i>le mari de la soeur de Monsieur.</i> Er&mdash;Thomas&mdash;er&mdash;&mdash;"
+(he was carried away by memories of his schoolboy French), "<i>le fr&egrave;re du
+jardinier</i>&mdash;er&mdash;&mdash;" He wheeled round and saw me; introduced me again;
+introduced Myra as my wife, Archie as her brother, and Dahlia as
+Archie's wife; and then with a sudden inspiration presented Thomas
+grandly as "<i>le beau-p&egrave;re du petit fils de mes amis Monsieur et Madame
+Mannering.</i>" Thomas seemed more assured of his place as Peter's
+godfather than as the brother of the gardener.</p>
+
+<p>There were four ladies; we shook hands with all of them. It took us a
+long time, and I doubt if we got it all in even so, for twice I found
+myself shaking hands with Simpson. But these may have been additional
+ones thrown in. It was over at last, and we followed the staff indoors.</p>
+
+<p>And then we had another surprise. It was broken to us by Dahlia, who, at
+Simpson's urgent request, took up the position of lady of the house, and
+forthwith received the flowing confidence of the housekeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Two of us have to sleep outside," she said.</p>
+
+<p>"Where?" we all asked blankly.</p>
+
+<p>We went on to the loggia again, and she pointed to a little house almost
+hidden by olive-trees in a corner of the garden below us.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well, that's all right," said Archie. "It's on the estate. Thomas,
+you and Simpson won't mind that a bit, will you?"</p>
+
+<p>"We can't turn Samuel out of his own house," said Myra indignantly.</p>
+
+<p>"We aren't turning him; he wants to go. But, of course, if you and your
+young man would like to live there instead&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Myra looked at me eagerly.</p>
+
+<p>"It would be rather fun," she said. "We'd have another little honeymoon
+all to ourselves."</p>
+
+<p>"It wouldn't really be a honeymoon," I objected. "We should always be
+knocking up against trippers in the garden, Archies and Samuels and
+Thomases and what not. They'd be all over the place."</p>
+
+<p>Dahlia explained the domestic arrangements. The honeymooners had their
+little breakfast in their own little house, and then, joined the others
+for the day at about ten.</p>
+
+<p>"Or eleven," said Thomas.</p>
+
+<p>"It would be rather lovely," said Myra thoughtfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I agreed; "but have you considered that&mdash;&mdash; Come over this way a
+moment, where Thomas and Simpson can't hear, while I tell you some of
+the disadvantages."</p>
+
+<p>I led her into a quiet corner and suggested a few things to her which I
+hoped would not occur to the other two.</p>
+
+<p><i>Item</i>: That if it was raining hard at night it would be beastly.
+<i>Item</i>: That if you suddenly found you'd left your pipe behind it would,
+be rotten. <i>Item:</i> That if, as was probable, there wasn't a proper
+bathroom in the little house, it would be sickening. <i>Item</i>: That if she
+had to walk on muddy paths in her evening shoes, it would be&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>At this point Myra suddenly caught the thread of the argument. We went
+back to the others.</p>
+
+<p>"We think," said Myra, "it would be perfectly heavenly in the little
+house; but&mdash;&mdash;" She hesitated.</p>
+
+<p>"But at the same time," I said, "we think it's up to Simpson and Thomas
+to be English gentlemen. Samuel, it's your honour."</p>
+
+<p>There was a moment's silence.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along," said Thomas to Simpson, "let's go and look at it."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>After lunch, clean and well-fed and happy, we lay in deck-chairs on the
+loggia and looked lazily down at the Mediterranean.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, Samuel, for bringing us," said Dahlia gently. "Your friends
+must be very fond of you to have lent you this lovely place."</p>
+
+<p>"Not fonder than we are," said Myra, smiling at him.</p><br /> A. A. M.
+<br /><br />
+
+<hr class= "hr"/>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>
+
+<h3>"THE COMPLEAT POLICEMAN."</h3>
+
+<i>(A new schedule has, we understand, been issued to the Force, entitled
+"Hints for Police employed on Traffic Duty.")</i>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-229a.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-229a.jpg" alt="The regulation of traffic." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<span class="smcap">"The regulation of traffic, so as to prevent obstruction or accident,
+requires tact."</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-229b.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-229b.jpg" alt="Never get flustered or annoyed" /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<span class="smcap">"Never get flustered or annoyed," and</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-229c.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-229c.jpg" alt="Keep a look-out for the carriages" /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<span class="smcap">"Keep a look-out for the carriages of privileged
+persons"</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<p><i>The Daily Sketch</i>, in its search for a White Hope, says:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Who will be the next world's champion?"</p></div>
+
+<p>The writer must wait till he gets to the next world; we hope he is in no
+hurry.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Ex (Exmouth).&mdash;There is an easy way to tell if a diamond is
+genuine. Make a small dot on a piece of paper with a lead pencil
+and look at it through the diamond. If it shows but a single dot
+the diamond is genuine."&mdash;<i>Tit-Bits.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>We cordially invite the writer to come and look at dots through our
+Bouverie Street windows. We will then sell him the lot for a million
+pounds.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Oxford rowed a bridge trial from Barnes to Hammersmith yesterday
+morning on a fast ebb. It was good, but not good enough considering
+the conditions, for everything was in their favour, the amount of
+land water in the river making the tide a fast one and the wind
+being at their backs."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Our contemporary must make up its mind which way the crew sits before
+the day of the race.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"This was Inman's last opportunity, as Reece, in his next hand, ran
+to his points with a great break of 202. He failed at an easy red
+winner, and after Inman had missed a simple shot Reece ran out."</p>
+
+<p><i>Times.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i><span class="smcap">Reece</span> (after reaching his points with a great break of 202)</i>: Have
+another shot, <span class="smcap">Inman</span>, old man. Hard luck! Now I really <i>must</i> go.
+<i>[Exit at a run].</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;While idly looking over <i>Chambers' Dictionary</i> I
+came across the Christian name "Herbert," and noticed that it meant
+"The Glory of the Army." This aroused my curiosity, and I thought I
+should pursue the matter further by looking up the meaning of his
+other name. You may judge my surprise when I found that "Henry"
+meant "Home Ruler," and was given in these exact words. After this
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Asquith's</span> dogged determination to carry Home Rule is readily
+understood. He is a child of destiny.</p></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I am, etc., <span class="smcap">Kismet</span>.</p></div></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 85%;">
+<a href="images/illus-230.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-230.jpg" alt="Doctor to old Appleby dame" /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<span class="smcap"><i>(Doctor to old Appleby dame whose son has been eaten by eaten by
+cannibals in the South Sea Islands).</i></span><br />
+<span class="smcap">"I am so very sorry to hear this
+bad news about your son. Can you tell me where it happened?"</span><br />
+<i>Dame. </i><span class="smcap">"Nay, a don't rightly knaa. It was soomwhar below Kendal."</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>DANCERS DAY BY DAY.</h2>
+
+<p><i>March 18.</i>&mdash;A telegram from Tipperusalem, Oklahoma, states that Madame
+Titipoff, as the result of partaking of tinned oysters at supper, is
+suffering from acute ptomaine poisoning, and will, at the most
+favourable estimate, be unable to dance for another six months.</p>
+
+<p><i>March 19.</i>&mdash;Authoritative cables from Sydney convey the distressing
+intelligence that M. Gordkin is suffering from a complete nervous
+breakdown. His temperature has never been below 117 for the last week,
+and his pulse varies from 240 to 260. The doctors take a serious view of
+his case, and all his engagements have been cancelled.</p>
+
+<p><i>March 20.</i>&mdash;At Dundee last night, Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff, while dancing
+at the Corybantic Music Hall, slipped on a patch of marmalade which had
+been inadvertently allowed to remain on the stage, and fractured both
+her kneecaps. It is feared that the famous <i>ballerina</i> will not be able
+to fulfil her engagements in Aberdeen next month.</p>
+
+<p><i>March 21.</i>&mdash;Latest advices from Tipperusalem give a reassuring account
+of Madame Titipoff's progress. On Thursday she was allowed to sit up for
+half an hour, and she ate a beefsteak with evident zest. On learning
+that the canned oyster vendor had been tarred and feathered, Madame
+Titipoff at once announced her intention of dancing on the following
+night.</p>
+
+<p><i>March 22.</i>&mdash;A despatch just received from M. Gordkin's agent at Sydney
+announces that the famous artist's temperature is now normal and his
+pulse steady at 60. The cause of his recent trivial indisposition was a
+hostile criticism in a local paper, but with the dismissal of the critic
+the incident is now regarded as closed, and M. Gordkin will resume his
+saltatorial activities in a day or two.</p>
+
+<p><i>March 23.</i>&mdash;The news of Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff's accident happily turns
+out to have been exaggerated. Her kneecaps were not fractured, but two
+hairpins became detached from her chevelure while she was performing a
+protracted pirouette. The famous <i>danseuse</i> is rehearsing a new galvanic
+dance, and marmalade shares are again firm.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It is learned officially that Their Excellencies are delighted
+with the climate, which appears to agree with Lady Chalmers, as
+well as with the scenery."</p>
+<div class="figleft"><i>The Ceylon Morning Leader.</i></div><br />
+Of course it has known the scenery longer.</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>STANZAS WRITTEN IN DEJECTION BEFORE MATRIMONY.</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter">(<i>A complaint has been voiced in the Press that uncommon wedding
+presents are getting much too common.</i>)</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">We fixed our hymeneal day,</p>
+<p class="i2">Bespoke our nuptial cates</p>
+<p class="i0">And summoned to the solemn fray</p>
+<p class="i0">The necessary glum array</p>
+<p class="i2">Of kin and intimates.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And the more part in their degree</p>
+<p class="i2">Gave gladly gifts of pride,</p>
+<p class="i0">Tall silver ships, complete with sea,</p>
+<p class="i0">And birds of aureate filigree,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pearl-winged and opal-eyed.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Sheffield they gave, a grievous load,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Chelsea, flower'd and spruce,</p>
+<p class="i0">And antique thingummies in spode;</p>
+<p class="i0">The only thing that none bestowed</p>
+<p class="i2">Was anything of use.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Fled is the hope we built too soon</p>
+<p class="i2">Of some sub-tropic trek;</p>
+<p class="i0">Farewell, O azure honeymoon,</p>
+<p class="i0">The dull but necessary spoon</p>
+<p class="i2">Claims the paternal cheque.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>Our Latest Cinema Poster.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><span class="smcap">"When the earth trembled<br />
+For six days at great expense."</span><br /><br />
+The longest earthquake on record.
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/illus-231.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-231.jpg" alt="NEPTUNE'S ALLY" /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<span class="smcap"><i>(The <span class="smcap">first lord of the admiralty</span> calls in a new element to redress the
+balance of the old.</i>)</span>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>
+
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)</span></p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/illus-233a.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-233a.jpg" alt="ULSTER, DAY BY DAY: MONDAY." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+ULSTER, DAY BY DAY: MONDAY.<br />
+<span class="smcap">"Now, gents, what offers for this really prime Irish pig? Guaranteed by
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Devlin.</span> You may examine its points as soon as you've bought it." [No
+business.]</span>
+</div>
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March</i> 16.&mdash;The <span class="smcap">Winsome Winston</span>, sauntering
+in from behind <span class="smcap">Speaker's</span> Chair when Questions had advanced some way,
+startled by strident cheer from Ministerialists and Irish Nationalists.
+Opposition angrily replied. <span class="smcap">First Lord</span>, faintly blushing, found
+anchorage on Treasury Bench. Unpremeditated outburst of enthusiasm meant
+as welcome back from Bradford, where he reviewed political situation
+with force and frankness that recalled his father's platform speeches
+delivered in his prime. Demonstration repeated when later he rose to
+answer question concerning his department. Fresh storm of cheering from
+Ministerialists responded to by defiant shouts from Opposition.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Winston</span> evidently the man of the moment.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Prime Minister</span>, happily refreshed by week-end holiday, finds himself
+faced by crowd wanting to know all sorts of things that might happen
+concurrently with, or subsequent to, proposed temporary exclusion of
+parts of Ulster from operation of Home Rule Bill. There were twenty-six
+Questions. Assuming minimum number of Supplementaries, there would have
+been at least one hundred.</p>
+
+<p>To amazement and vexation of earnest seekers after truth, the twenty-six
+querists discovered that they were being bowled over faster than
+commonplace nine-pins. As <span class="smcap">Norman Craig</span> breathlessly complained, the
+<span class="smcap">Premier</span>, having answered a question, did not, as is his custom of an
+afternoon, resume his seat, and thus provide opportunity for
+supplementary questioner.</p>
+
+<p>This was his method: Taking in hand a sheet of manuscript he recited,
+"Number 45. This is a hypothetical question. Indeed, it involves no
+fewer than three hypotheses. Numbers 57, 64 and 72 are in the same
+category."</p>
+
+
+<p>Before you knew where you were, bang went four questions. Member after
+Member rose to protest. The <span class="smcap">Premier</span> babbled on like the brook.</p>
+
+<p>"The answer to number 46 and to the first part of 70 is in the negative.
+The answer to number 48 is in the affirmative. Number 49 in the
+negative. I proceed to number 52."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 35%;">
+<a href="images/illus-233b.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-233b.jpg" alt="A TRIFLE THIN." /></a>
+<br /><br />
+A TRIFLE THIN.<br />
+
+<span class="smcap">Winston</span><i> takes refuge behind</i> <span class="smcap">Reginald</span>.<br /><br />
+[On several points connected with the Navy Estimates Mr. <span class="smcap">Churchill</span>
+claimed that the responsibility rested with his predecessor at the Admiralty.]
+</div>
+
+<p>Members held their breath. What could he say about 52? Evidently he
+meant to treat it in different fashion.</p>
+
+<p>"Number 52," he continued in the same level voice, as if he were reading
+catalogue at picture sale, "refers to a small matter which can easily be
+provided for."</p>
+
+<p>Here was batch of another five questions disposed of in barely more than
+as many seconds. And to think of all the industry and ingenuity bestowed
+upon the preparation of this succession of pitfalls designed for the
+engulfing of a ruthless Minister and the dislocation of an iniquitous
+Bill!</p>
+
+<p>Situation capped by <span class="smcap">Premier's</span> refusal to be drawn into minute
+description of adjustments, financial and administrative, consequent on
+adoption of his proposed amendment of Home Rule Bill. If general
+principle were accepted, the rest would follow. If not, why waste time
+and divert discussion from main issue to subsidiary and incidental
+details? After beating in vain against the indomitable rock standing at
+the Table, <span class="smcap">Bonner Law</span>, on behalf of enraged Opposition, gave notice of
+vote of censure. What day will be given for discussion? he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"The earliest possible date," replied the imperturbable <span class="smcap">Premier</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Here episode ended. Its eruption made it clear that hope of settlement
+on grounds prepared a week ago to-day has vanished.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i> Notice from Front Opposition Bench of vote of censure
+on Ministers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Pole-Carew</span> had rather a bad time of it. Attacked in sharp
+succession by land and sea. Began at Question time. He merely asked
+whether two divisions and the cavalry brigade in Ireland, which took
+part in man&oelig;uvres last year, weren't rather a scrubby lot of immature
+boys unfit for public service. To quote exact phrase&mdash;"whether the
+physical appearance of the men was unsatisfactory; and whether the
+effect of the trooping season was to increase the number of immature
+boys unfit for active service?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Seely</span> wrathfully replied in the negative.</p>
+
+<p>"I must," he added, "profess my astonishment that the hon. and gallant
+gentleman should seek by means of suggestions such as are contained in
+this question to discourage and belittle the British soldier, to whom he
+owes so much."</p>
+
+<p>A loud cheer sent home this rebuke.</p>
+
+<p>Worse still when <span class="smcap">Polly</span> put out to sea and came athwart the <span class="smcap">First Lord</span>.
+All he sought was information as to whether the <span class="smcap">First Sea Lord</span>, having
+publicly alluded to the danger of relying exclusively on the fleet to
+protect the country from invasion, "subsequently went back on his word."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/illus-234a.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-234a.jpg" alt="ON THE WARPATH AGAINST THE CHARTERED COMPANY." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+ON THE WARPATH AGAINST THE CHARTERED COMPANY.<br /><br />
+<span class="smcap">"Alarming outbreak in MacNeilliland."</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"A most insulting and unfair remark," said <span class="smcap">Winston</span>. "It will," he
+continued, "do nothing but harm if the Navy think the Chiefs whom they
+honour and respect are to be subjected to offensive personal attacks of
+this character directed against them by ex-military men who have gone
+into politics."</p>
+
+<p>"Only let me have five minutes with him, Mr. <span class="smcap">Deputy Speaker</span>," said the
+ex-military man nervously turning up his coat cuffs.</p>
+
+<p>Getting dangerously close to eleven<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> o'clock, at which hour debate, if
+continued, must automatically close. <span class="smcap">Winston</span> punctilious in leaving the
+five minutes demanded. <span class="smcap">Pole-Carew's</span> retort perhaps scarcely up to
+occasion.</p>
+
+
+<p>"I can only say," he remarked, "that the <span class="smcap">Secretary for War</span> and the <span class="smcap">First
+Lord of the Admiralty</span> are worthy to sit on the same bench as the
+<span class="smcap">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">First Lord</span> explained his Naval policy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Swift MacNeill</span> introduces new Parliamentary formula.
+Discussing on Civil Service Vote state of things in Rhodesia as
+dominated by the Chartered Company he was interrupted by remark from
+<span class="smcap">Ormsby-Gore</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Throwing back his head with lofty scorn, and making a few windmill
+passages with his arms, Member for Donegal said, "I am not going to be
+interrupted by any gentleman of the House of Cecil."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/illus-234b.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-234b.jpg" alt="ULSTER DAY BY DAY: THURSDAY." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+ULSTER DAY BY DAY: THURSDAY.<br/><br/>
+<span class="smcap">Sir Edward Carson</span>. "My train leaves Euston in thirty minutes. We meet at
+Philippi."
+</div>
+
+<p>Had this determination been announced by ordinary Member it would not
+have possessed importance likely to affect future course of debate. But
+<span class="smcap">Swift MacNeill</span> is justly recognised as one of the highest authorities on
+the science and practice of Parliamentary procedure. If he is able to
+support his contention, that a Member may of his free will, in exercise
+of his mature judgment, divide the House into groups of families (as if
+they were counties of Ulster) and say, "I will not be interrupted by
+this one or that," whilst it would have useful effect in curtailing
+proceedings would obviously require nice discrimination.</p>
+
+<p>There are in the present House several family names represented by
+various Members, not all sitting on same side of House. To take a single
+example, there are the <span class="smcap">Wilsons</span>. Like the family of the child with whom
+<span class="smcap">Wordsworth</span> conversed, they are seven. If <span class="smcap">Swift MacNeill's</span> precedent be
+established, a Member rising to continue debate might, by way of
+preface, remark, "I am not going to be interrupted by any gentleman of
+the House of Wilson."</p>
+
+<p>In this particular case <span class="smcap">A. S. Wilson</span>, whose contributions to debate are
+exclusively interjectionary, would be cut off from the exercise of a
+talent that frequently enlivens a sitting.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Swift MacNeill's</span> own case is not free from difficulty. The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> is "a
+gentleman of the House of Cecil." Is he henceforward to be debarred from
+interrupting the Member for Donegal by calls to order?</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Bonner Law</span>, master of Parliamentary tactics, obliged
+Government by moving vote of censure. Challenge hilariously accepted.
+Great muster of Ministerialists. On division what was meant as vote of
+censure was practically turned into vote of confidence, carried amid
+enthusiastic cheering by majority of 93 in House of 597 Members.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>Golfing Enquiry.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot">"Can any reader say whether a coloured attached ribbon (6ft. of
+&frac12;in. red) is allowable by the game, merely as an aid in locating
+the flying ball."&mdash;<i>English Mechanic.</i>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> Yes. So is a gramophone (2ft. by 3ft.), and it is more
+certain.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"A red or black sash round the waist, and a navy blue straw hat
+with ribbon to match, would be a most attractive little frock for a
+warm spring day."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>But it must be a <i>warm</i> spring day.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+
+<h2>A TRIUMPH OF THINNESS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Herbert</span> is one of those troublesome men who are always asking why I
+don't what he calls "buckle to" and make some money. But his latest
+suggestion was his maddest, and I think that I got out of it rather
+neatly. For Herbert is a determined fellow from whom you can't escape
+until you have promised quite a lot and sometimes even had actually to
+do something.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you want two hundred pounds?" he bounced in upon me and said.</p>
+
+<p>"Who doesn't?" I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, here you are then. It's as easy as falling off a ladder. Only a
+little industry required;" and he threw a paper on to my table.</p>
+
+<p>I spread it out and saw: "One Thousand Cash Prizes amounting to &pound;1,000.
+First Prize &pound;200. All you have to do is to make as many words as you can
+out of '<span class="smcap">Jenkins' Glorious Gum</span>.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks," I said; "this isn't intended for really thoughtful people."</p>
+
+<p>At this, however, he merely sniffed and pulled a fountain-pen from his
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll make a start," he said; "'gin' one; 'niggle'&mdash;that's rather
+good&mdash;two; 'mug' three." But after that his mind seemed to wander, and
+he added rather feebly, "and so on. It's ridiculously easy when you have
+a dictionary. Will you try?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied, and a fierce argument followed.</p>
+
+<p>But just as he was getting really angry my eye fell upon a condition
+that I had overlooked. "Ten pounds," I saw, "will be awarded to the
+competitor whose envelope is opened first."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go in," I said, and Herbert replied, "Good egg, I'll bet you win.
+Don't forget 'mug.'"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I won't forget 'mug'," I assured him as he left, for his last word
+had given me an idea.</p>
+
+<p>Solemnly I sat down in front of "<span class="smcap">Jenkins' Glorious Gum</span>" and saw at once
+that my word would do. In two minutes "Juggins" had been put into a very
+large envelope all by himself, and I was out of work again.</p>
+
+<p>But the part that you won't believe has to come.</p>
+
+<p>I won the &pound;10&mdash;I did really. Among the multitude of fat envelopes
+bulging with words, my thin "Juggins" simply insisted upon being opened
+first. The thousands of chartered accountants assembled for the counting
+almost fought for him, he was nearly torn in two in their desire to
+begin with what looked like an easy one&mdash;or so I like to imagine the
+scene. But Herbert is insufferably proud of himself.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>
+<h2><a name="THE_SPECTRUM" id="THE_SPECTRUM"></a>THE SPECTRUM.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">According to the Ladies' Press,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who would be really smart must dress</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In crimson puce or purple hair:</p>
+<p class="i0">My Phyllis doesn't leave it there,</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But less than ever doth she seem</p>
+<p class="i0">Content with Nature's colour-scheme.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Her brow is scarlet; week by week</p>
+<p class="i0">New tints bedeck her maiden cheek.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">(To-day they wear the pleasing hue</p>
+<p class="i0">Which Fashion calls "electric" blue,</p>
+<p class="i0">And, when their owner's startled, show</p>
+<p class="i0">A healthy blush of indigo.)</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Her sense of artistry appears</p>
+<p class="i0">In what she does about her ears;</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">With colours of the naval sort</p>
+<p class="i0">She marks the starboard from the port.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Her lips are lemon; underneath</p>
+<p class="i0">Appear her willow-pattern teeth.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But when, to serve another end,</p>
+<p class="i0">She threatened to adopt a blend</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Of tints with which I cannot cope&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">The green and white and heliotrope,</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"You know," said I, "your business best;</p>
+<p class="i0">Myself, I lose all interest."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">In other words, it may be said,</p>
+<p class="i0">My love for you is frankly dead."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Alas," she answered, "and alack!" ...</p>
+<p class="i0">Her nose is now in mourning (black).</p>
+</div></div><br /><br />
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/illus-235.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-235.jpg" alt="TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<h4>"TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION."</h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+
+<h3>New Feuilleton. Begin it To-day.</h3>
+
+<h2>JOSEPH LATE-USHER.</h2>
+
+<h4>By<span class="smcap"> CLEVER MAURICE</span>.</h4>
+<p>CHARACTERS IN THE STORY.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Duchess of Kimberley</span> (Ruby), a svelte aquiline-nosed woman of some
+forty summers, with green hair and two aigrettes. She has been a widow
+for a lonely decade.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Earl of Joburg</span>, her son Guy, aged thirteen, who is about to go to a
+public school, where he will be kidnapped for ransom.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Arthur Boobitrapp</span>, his uncle, who discusses the question of the
+school with the Duchess. Lord Arthur is in favour of Eton, as he wishes
+Guy to be a wet Bob and captain the cricket eleven; whereas the Duchess,
+having a penchant for yellow stockings, favours Christ's Hospital. In
+the end they compromise, and the boy is sent to a small private school
+in Bermondsey, where the chief usher is</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Joseph Late</span>, a superb creature with a wonderful personality. Joseph not
+only ushes the school but loves the Duchess with a consuming love, and a
+year after Guy has been at the school and defied all efforts to kidnap
+him he tells the Duchess of the inflamed state of his cardiac penumbra.
+No sooner has he done this than he trembles all over at the presumption
+of a poor usher thus daring to address a Duchess; but the Duchess falls
+in his arms, for beneath her aigrettes she is woman too.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Vertigo</span> applies for the post of science master at the school, and,
+having seen Late kill a man many years before and escape punishment,
+gets it. Every time you see Vertigo's name you may expect trouble.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dick Boobitrapp</span> is a kidnapper and a confederate of Vertigo.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Saunderson</span> is a kidnapper under the guise of a writer of
+prescriptions.</p>
+
+<p>In spite of all precautions, such as employing only detectives as
+servants of the school, Guy is kidnapped. The Duchess and Joseph Late
+hurry to Spain to seek him, not because they know him to be there, but
+because Spain is a likely romantic country.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Chapter</span> CCCXLVIII.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me the worst," said the Duchess in strong ringing tones, all the
+mother coming out in her anguish.</p>
+
+<p>But the reply came in unfamiliar tones.</p>
+
+<p>Looking up, she observed that her usher had disappeared, and in his
+place was the detested Vertigo.</p>
+
+<p><i>To be continued&mdash;but not here.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>
+
+<h2>AT THE GATES OF THE WEST.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The New York landing pier of the Ocean Palace Line, crowded with
+passengers and their luggage from the R.M.S. "Gargantuan."</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>&mdash;<i>About five and a-half hours earlier than ours.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Horace Rutherford Penfold (the last thing in novelists, surrounded
+by New York pressmen</i>): "Glad to see you, boys! Delighted to see you!
+<i>What!</i> Was I hiding from you behind my luggage? What an absolutely
+absurd idea! The whole way across I've been eagerly looking forward to
+meeting you gentlemen of the most go-ahead, most enlightened Press on
+earth! Yes, it's my first visit to your great country. The dream of my
+life is now realised. Yes, of course I'm rejoiced that my novel, <i>The
+Love of a Hop-Picker</i>, has taken its place among the 'best sellers' on
+this side. Yes, people are good enough to say I've broken quite new
+ground in making the hop-fields the scene of a novel; the critics say my
+word-pictures of the hop-poles are 'absolutely luscious'; and they
+pronounce <i>Ozias</i>, the hop-picker, 'a giant of artistic creation.' Yes,
+my novel is one of the twenty which in the last six months have been
+called 'epoch-making' and have been said to 'stand quite alone in modern
+fiction.' No doubt the hop-field will now be exploited by other writers,
+until in time it will become as hackneyed as the desert.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, this is my first visit to your wonderful country. I am here to
+superintend the rehearsals of the dramatised form of <i>The Love of a
+Hop-Picker.</i> Naturally I am a little nervous, for to please a New York
+audience is the playwright's dream of heaven. And then, of course, <i>The
+Love of a Hop-Picker</i> is not only utterly English in atmosphere, but
+also peculiarly <i>Kentish</i>. Still, with such a brilliantly intelligent,
+marvellously sympathetic public as yours, I don't despair of bringing
+the hop-poles over the footlights, so to say.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, gentlemen, I have a wife, and I've not forgotten to bring her
+sworn affidavit that my coming without her is quite regular and in
+order, because, though Ellis Island's a delightful place, no doubt,
+still, I want to go into your great Empire city 'right away,' as you
+say. Here it is: 'I declare that I, Agatha Mary Rutherford Penfold, and
+my dear husband, Horace Rutherford Penfold, are a perfectly united and
+affectionate couple; that his journey to the United States is taken with
+my entire approval, and that I should have accompanied him but for being
+an extremely bad sailor and afraid of storms at sea. (Signed) <span class="smcap">Agatha
+Mary Rutherford Penfold</span>. Sworn to in the presence of&mdash;' and so forth.
+Yes, certainly, gentlemen, copy it by all means.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I never heard of any literary talent showing itself in our family
+before. My father was interested in the retail meat industry; <i>his</i>
+father was interested in the retail bread industry; and <i>his</i> father
+turned his attention to the making of candlesticks.</p>
+
+<p>"My impressions as I crossed? Well, I couldn't help remarking, ill as I
+felt, that, as we neared the shores of the New World, the waves took on
+better and more imposing shapes, the wind blew more smartly, and at
+night the stars seemed brighter and more numerous, and the clouds
+appeared to form themselves into stripes! Yes, this is my first
+experience of a zero temperature. The air is deliciously fresh: one
+seems to breathe in freedom with it. Well, perhaps I am a little cold,
+but that is because I have been waiting an hour and a-half <i>en queue</i>
+for a permit allowing me to have my luggage examined; and then, you see,
+gentlemen, I haven't the fur coat I bought specially for this visit; the
+Customs people have taken it away, and also the evening clothes I had
+made by Pond just before I left; so that I'm afraid I shan't be able to
+accept the very kind invitations I received by wireless to dine with the
+Brainy Broadway Boys to-night, and to-morrow night with the Chocktaw
+Club.</p>
+
+<p>"What do I think of feminine New York? Why, of course, I think her the
+prettiest, cleverest, best-dressed portion of feminine humanity, and
+with an added charm&mdash;a New Yorkiness which is absolutely indescribable.
+No, I haven't met any of her yet, my knowledge of New York being at
+present limited to this wonderful landing pier, your greatly gifted
+Customs officials, and the brilliantly intelligent subordinates of your
+world-renowned Express Company.</p>
+
+<p>"What do I think of Mexican affairs? Well, gentlemen, it seems to me
+that only <i>Mexicans</i> can make themselves really at home in Mexico, and
+that other people had better not try to live there&mdash;if living is their
+object.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, here is my photo and my wife's photo; my father's photo; my
+grandfather's daguerreotype; a black profile of my
+great-grandfather&mdash;certainly, gentlemen, I shall be only too pleased and
+proud to have them all reproduced in your scintillating, pulsating
+journals. So long, boys! Delighted to have met you."</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/illus-236.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-236.jpg" alt="Distressed Mother." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<br/><br/>
+<i>Distressed Mother.</i><span class="smcap">"'E's been an orful trial to me ever
+since them pitcher palaces began. First 'e was shootin' at the fowls,
+an' now 'e's pinchin' my woolly mats ter put on 'is legs"</span>.
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>A Mirdite Melody.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style=""> [The Mirdite Chief Prenk Bib Doda has joined the first Albanian
+Cabinet.] </div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Great is the Gaeckwar of <span class="smcap">Baroda</span>;</p>
+<p class="i0">Great too was <span class="smcap">Marchand</span> at Fashoda;</p>
+<p class="i0">Great is good brandy blent with soda;</p>
+<p class="i0">But, as a culminating <i>coda</i>,</p>
+<p class="i0">Greater by far is <span class="smcap">Prenk Bib Doda</span>.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>From a list of work for Trials at Eton:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Acts xxi&mdash;xxvii (<i>not</i> Ch. xxviii)."</p>
+
+<p>So Smith <i>mi.</i> had already guessed, but none the less the prohibition
+came as a great disappointment to him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The country between the Gamana and Katsena Rivers was inhabited by
+Zumperi pagans, who were cannibals and lived on hill
+tops."&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Thus differing from some of the inhabitants of Golders Green, who are
+vegetarians and live on turnip-tops.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>
+<h2>ONCE ONE.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>["Caroline Cloan clawed suddenly at Slew's eyes. But for a quick
+movement on his part it might have been very serious. He had only
+one eye, and could not afford to lose the sight of it."&mdash;"<i>Daily
+Mirror" Serial.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Keen are the claws of <i>Carrie Cloan,</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Rampant her mood. The eye of <i>Slew</i></p>
+<p class="i0">Is one in number; she alone,</p>
+<p class="i2">Blinded by passion, makes it two.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">She's out for eyes, and cannot tarry</p>
+<p class="i2">To ponder arithmetic laws.</p>
+<p class="i0">And what is the result? Miss <i>Carrie</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Claws <i>Slew; Slew</i> slews; Miss <i>Carrie's</i> claws.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Miscarry, and the eye is his.</p>
+<p class="i2">Rough on poor <i>Caroline</i>, no doubt;</p>
+<p class="i0">But there&mdash;the moral of it is,</p>
+<p class="i2">First count your eye, then have it out.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/illus-237a.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-237a.jpg" alt="You've neglected your work" /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<h4>Act I.</h4><br/>
+<i>"Guvnor"</i> (<i>dismissing office-boy,</i>) <span class="smcap">"You've neglected your work," etc., etc. "That's my motto and evidently not
+yours. Take a week's notice."</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%;">
+<a href="images/illus-237b.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-237b.jpg" alt="The Office-Boy's farewell." /></a>
+<br/>
+<br/>
+<h4>Act II.</h4> <i>(a week elapses.)<br /><br /></i><span class="smcap">The Office-Boy's farewell.</span><br/>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+
+<h2>LONDON'S LINKS WITH THE PAST.</h2>
+
+<p>When I was a child I had the signal honour of being seated upon the knee
+of an old lady whose great-great-great-great-uncle once shook hands with
+a man whose grandfather remembered seeing green fields at the spot which
+is now covered by Carmelite House. How short is the history of the
+Metropolis!</p>
+
+<p>Everybody, of course, is aware that Professor Joff committed one of his
+notorious "howlers" when he derived "Carmelite"&mdash;in the street
+name&mdash;from "Cromwell's Heights." The latter, needless to say, must have
+been a deal nearer the South Kensington Museum than Whitefriars, famed
+for its sanctuary. <span class="smcap">Cromwell</span> <i>may</i> have wandered in the meadows (if they
+still existed in his day) where the 6.30 <i>News</i> now leaps from its
+machines every afternoon about half-past five; he may even (as Plip and
+Johnstone surmise, in their ponderous tomes, <i>Odd Corners in London</i> and
+<i>More and Odder Corners in London</i>) have supped at the Pig and
+Mortarboard, which stood on what is now the site of the Ludgate Hill
+station booking-office (Plip, by-the-by, wrongly says not the
+booking-office, but the "book<i>stall</i>," an amazing error in one usually
+so careful). But whatever else <span class="smcap">Cromwell</span> did or did not do, he certainly
+never gave his name to any district further east than Knightsbridge.</p>
+
+<p>I flatter myself that Professor Joff's preposterous surmises were
+finally silenced by my monograph, <i>A Hundred Queer Things about Bouverie
+Street.</i> Curiously enough I wrote this with a pencil borrowed from a
+friend whose aunt once caught sight, as a girl, of a prisoner being
+taken to the Old Bailey to be tried for murder. That prisoner was the
+notorious Budgingham. And now comes the interesting part of the story.
+Budgingham, as transpired at the trial, had bigamously married the
+step-daughter of a man whose godfather's mother's cousin's
+great-grandmother remembered hearing the bells of Bow Church tolling on
+the day when Henri de Bouverie landed in England to attend the funeral
+of his niece, the beautiful Mrs. Coop.</p>
+
+<p>London's history is indeed crowded, though (to the antiquarian) oddly
+short in its perspective. Next week, having sketched the romantic career
+of Henri de Bouverie (concerning whom Professor Joff has made several
+incredible mistakes), I shall give a still more startling example of the
+links which lead us so abruptly to the antechambers of what we might
+have supposed to be the dim and distant past. The Metropolis, to anyone
+who appreciates historical research and can write as easily as I can, is
+a gold-mine; fortunately few pressmen realise its possibilities, and
+that of an <i>Index Rerum</i>, as I do. If, as I anticipate, this article is
+printed and paid for with the usual eagerness and a series ordered,
+nothing can stop me&mdash;&mdash; [Wait and see.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed</span>.]</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>Our Gallery of Happy Phrases. I.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Mr. Tooth, whose name was in everybody's mouth a generation or so
+ago."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dublin Daily Express.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>
+<h2>POINTS OF VIEW.</h2>
+
+<p>If you are the sort of person who likes detail and accuracy, who can
+always tell where the north is even in a strange house (there <i>are</i>
+people like this; I met one the other day), and&mdash;this generally goes
+with it&mdash;are good at geography, you had better skip this article. It
+might annoy you. But if you like <span class="smcap">Debussy</span>, and like watching the sun
+shine through a mist, and have no bump of locality, and hate being shown
+over ruins, you are the sort of person I am, and you will sympathise
+with me.</p>
+
+<p>My trouble is this. Whenever I go to stay in the country I am always
+sooner or later taken a walk, generally a long one, to the highest hill
+they happen to have, and there I am shown a view. Not that I would mind
+if they left it at that, but they don't. One's host generally seems to
+have an absurd pride in some distant church, or gap in a hill "through
+which on fine days you can see the sea;" but even if he hasn't he will
+<i>always</i>&mdash;if you happen to be in the south of England&mdash;point out a patch
+of trees like a small piece of black sticking-plaster and tell you that
+that is Chanctonbury Ring. I never escape Chanctonbury Ring, though I
+have often gone far, even refused invitations, to avoid it. Once in
+Yorkshire&mdash;but nobody ever will believe that story, though I never
+pretended it was the same Ring. What I said was that there may be two of
+the same name, or even more: like Richmond, for instance.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you see that hill over there?" he begins. I look where he is
+pointing and see three. "No, not that one," and he comes behind me and
+points over my shoulder. "Follow my finger," he says, and I follow it
+and see a perfectly flat field. But he has to be humoured, and anyhow
+there is lunch to be thought of.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, <i>I</i> see," I reply hastily, with a touch of "How stupid of
+me!" in my voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, carry your eye along the valley on its left, over the white
+house"&mdash;this is the only place where there is no white house for
+miles&mdash;"and along the strip of road. See the strip of road?" ("See the
+strip of road!" I've been lost in a bog for ages.) "Well, right up as
+far as you can see, following that road and a little to the right, do
+you see a patch of trees?"</p>
+
+<p>When he says "patch of trees," I know.</p>
+
+<p>"Chanctonbury Ring," I say brightly. At any rate, <i>that's</i> finished.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; how did you know?" he asks disappointedly.</p>
+
+<p>Brute that I am! Why didn't I let him say it?</p>
+
+<p>Only once, as far as I can remember, was I wrong. It was in the
+Cotswolds and we were in a garden, on the side of a hill. From the
+terrace outside the house was a magnificent view. My host strolled up.
+"Pity it's so misty," he said. (I had just been thinking how lovely it
+looked.) "On a fine day, you know, we can see&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Not</i> Chanctonbury Ring?" I said pleadingly.</p>
+
+<p>He looked puzzled.</p>
+
+<p>"Tewkesbury,", he said rather coldly, and soon afterwards strolled away
+again.</p>
+
+<p>There are only a very few people whose sympathy one feels sure of when
+one confides troubles to them such as this Ring-finding one of mine. Of
+the very few I feel surest of my Uncle Edward, so I thought I would tell
+him about it when I went to stay with him a little while ago.</p>
+
+<p>"By the by," I said, as we laboured breathlessly up a hill&mdash;he lives in
+Surrey&mdash;"have you ever noticed ... when you're staying with people
+anywhere in the South of England ... and they take you for a walk ...
+they always, sooner or later&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Just wait a minute," he said as we reached the top. "Ah yes, I thought
+you could"&mdash;he was smiling happily at something. "I wanted to show you
+before we went on&mdash;just over there&mdash;&mdash;" I waited. Somehow the words
+seemed familiar. "See that dark patch right over there, on the furthest
+hill? Well, that's Chanctonbury Ring."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you can only see it on a fine day," I replied bitterly.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>TIME'S REVENGE.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>["Professor Karl Pearson delivered a public Galton Memorial Lecture
+at the Francis Galton Laboratory for National Eugenics, University
+College, on "The Handicapping of the First-born." There was, he
+showed, a tendency for the first-born child to be lighter and
+smaller than later-born children. On the whole there was a very
+sensible bias against the first-born."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Pearson I sing of, eugenic and brainy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Iconoclastic and fearless to dare.</p>
+<p class="i0">Once I thought "eugenist" = "zany,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Now I know better and raise high in air</p>
+<p class="i4">Bumpers Falernian, "Looking towards you."</p>
+<p class="i4">Great be the glory the future awards you,</p>
+<p class="i4">You that have given the first-born a cropper,</p>
+<p class="i4">Bay-leaves immortal encircle your topper;</p>
+<p class="i0">Though you're a scientist, you are no dry ass&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I take off my hat to you, <span class="smcap">Karl</span>, for I share</p>
+<p class="i6">Your "very sensible bias."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Long were we "minors" oppressed by our "major"</p>
+<p class="i2">All our lives through since we started at school;</p>
+<p class="i0">His was the limelight on every stage, or</p>
+<p class="i2">His was the fire side and ours was the cool;</p>
+<p class="i4">He got the ease of our ancestors' acres,</p>
+<p class="i4">We had to haggle with butchers and bakers,</p>
+<p class="i4">We had their bills to pay&mdash;his all the money;</p>
+<p class="i4">Ours was but gall to drink&mdash;his tipple honey;</p>
+<p class="i0">He was the "Purbeck" and we were the "Lias."</p>
+<p class="i2">So we against Primogeniture's rule</p>
+<p class="i6">Held very sensible bias.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Fallen the idol, destroyed the oppressor!</p>
+<p class="i2">Always we felt we were good as the rest,</p>
+<p class="i0">Now from the mouth of K. <span class="smcap">Pearson</span>, Professor,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hear we the truth that the younger are best.</p>
+<p class="i4">Vanished the halo that shone round the first-born</p>
+<p class="i4">Now that Eugenics proclaim him the worst born.</p>
+<p class="i4">Praise, Younger Sons, our great <span class="smcap">Karl</span>, who, new seas</p>
+<p class="i4">Voyaging, found, like the old Portuguese,</p>
+<p class="i0">Capes of Good Hope&mdash;our <span class="smcap">Bartholomew Diaz</span>.</p>
+<p class="i2">Shout till the whole world hears clearly expressed</p>
+<p class="i6"><i>Our</i> very sensible bias.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h3>More Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+From an advertisement in <i>The Writers' and Artists' Year Book</i>, 1914,
+announcing a forthcoming publication:&mdash;<br /><br />
+
+"PHOTOGRAPHS FOR THE PAPERS<br /><span class="smcap"> How to Take and Place Them</span><br /><span class="smcap">by John Everard</span>,
+<br /><br />
+ROBABLE PRICE 1s. NET."
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<p>"As he spoke the Congress hushed its breathing, growing so still
+that the flutter of a paper interrupted harshly."&mdash;<i>The Daily News.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<p>But this of course could not go on for long, and you should have heard
+it when it unhushed its breathing.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"O'Gara proved the saviour of Widnes, for, gathering the ball, he
+kicked at least half a dozen players before he booted the ball."</p>
+
+<p><i>Liverpool Echo.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>The bidding for <span class="smcap">O'Gara</span> by the clubs of the English League, when this
+news gets about, should be sensational.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr"/>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/illus-239.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-239.jpg" alt="THE PLOT THAT FAILED." /></a>
+
+<h4>THE PLOT THAT FAILED.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Dear Old Lady.</i><span class="smcap">"My good man, what on earth are you doing on my lawn</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Crafty Old Fraud.</i> "<span class="smcap">Bless yer, kind lady! I'm that 'ungry I got to eat
+grass</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dear Old Lady.</i> "<span class="smcap">If you go round to the back you'll find the grass
+grows much longer and thicker there</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</i></h3>
+
+<p>Murders, divorces, by-elections and new insurance schemes from time to
+time occupy the most conspicuous columns of the daily Press and receive
+our deep attention, but these things occur suddenly and are soon
+forgotten. Civil war in Mexico preceded and outlives them all as a
+matter of sensation, and the psychological moment in the career of that
+other "distressful country" is interminable. How the revolutions began,
+in what manner they continue and when they are likely to end, are
+questions which agitate the minds of men when they read their morning
+papers at breakfast, their evening papers after dinner and their reviews
+over the week-end. It was obvious that some qualified student of affairs
+should forget the events of the moment, visit Mexico at whatever risk to
+himself, personally witness the internecine squabbles in progress, and,
+if he was lucky enough to survive the experience, write up the matter in
+a compact and entertaining volume for our better understanding of the
+whole. Having regard to the present condition of the country as I now
+understand it, I should say there was no rush of applications for the
+job; certainly if my Editor should ask me to go out there and test the
+accuracy of Mr. <span class="smcap">H. Hamilton Fyfe's</span> observations, as expressed in <i>The
+Real Mexico: a Study on the Spot</i> (<span class="smcap">Heinemann</span>), I should at once discover
+an important engagement to prevent my accepting his kind invitation. Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Fyfe's</span> narrative is, however, too graphic and his description too real
+to admit of doubt; I am glad that there was no competition and his
+subject has been left to be dealt with by the best man for the purpose.
+Given the title of the book and the name of the author, there is no more
+need of recommendation to the English public; but I beg Messrs. <span class="smcap">Wilson</span>
+and <span class="smcap">Bryan</span> (of the U.S.A.) to read, mark, learn and, if their physique is
+capable of the feat, inwardly digest it. They should know, in glaring
+detail, the ills general and individual resulting from what the American
+resident in Mexico calls their "grape-juice" policy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Four imprisonments of varying lengths, one of them including forcible
+feeding, presumably give Lady <span class="smcap">Constance Lytton</span> a right to record her
+experiences, and the chronicle she presents in <i>Prisons and Prisoners</i>
+(<span class="smcap">Heinemann</span>) is telling through its very simplicity and directness. Such
+a tale would be hardly likely to prove other than "an indictment of our
+existing prison system" (as orators have it); but Lady <span class="smcap">Constance Lytton</span>
+is careful to punctiliousness in her recognition of the kindness and
+natural sympathy of many of the officials, even while she condemns the
+rules and regulations which tend to cramp and stifle the gentler side of
+human nature. Still, our prison system has had to stand a good deal of
+attack before this. We should most of us be thankful to change it if we
+knew how, and I need never despise hints in this direction. The interest
+of the book, however, is by far the greatest when it is regarded as a
+running commentary on the modern feminist movement. It is impossible to
+read such a book seriously without<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> feeling a strong admiration for the
+courage, self-sacrifice and resolution it reflects, and at the same time
+a quite appalling sense of waste. When a way has been found to apply to
+the needs of our bewildered country the powers of such women as form the
+heroines of Lady <span class="smcap">Constance Lytton's</span> book, I for one shall not be
+surprised if things begin to happen. But at present the results that
+they have achieved, even upon their own showing and apart from all
+criticism of methods, seem quite incommensurate with the amount of
+trouble and pain.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In <i>The Custody of the Child</i> (<span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span>) Mr. <span class="smcap">Philip Gibbs</span> has chosen a
+difficult theme&mdash;the story of a broken home, told from the child's point
+of view, and he has handled it like an artist. Of the three books into
+which this biography of <i>Nicholas Barton</i> is divided, the first is so
+much the best that the second seems a little tame. This was, of course,
+inevitable, for the first book is the thunderstorm, the second the
+gentle rain which follows it. I have another reason for deriving
+particular pleasure from the opening book, and that is that the scene is
+laid in a Battersea Park flat. I have long since marked down Battersea
+as one of London's most romantic neighbourhoods. To a child, the
+curiously mingled intimacy and exclusiveness of life among the
+cliff-dwellers of that long road facing the Park, where you drop your
+toys out of your front garden (which house-agents call a balcony) and
+see them impounded as legitimate gifts that have dropped from Heaven by
+a perfect stranger in the front garden of the ground-floor flat, must be
+a perpetual wonder. Mr. <span class="smcap">Gibbs</span> has brought this out so persuasively that
+I have shaken hands with him after each sentence. There is not an
+incident in Book I. that is not exactly right. The rest of the story,
+with its courageous avoidance of unmitigated happiness in the ending,
+never fails to arrest, unless for a moment or so in the middle; but for
+me at least the real charm of the volume lies in Book I.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Let us try to avoid the detestable trick of sentimentality when dealing
+with this beloved, presuming, gallant, unhappy man." So Mrs. <span class="smcap">Evan Nepean</span>
+adjures us and herself; and it must be confessed that the warning was
+needed. For the man was <span class="smcap">James</span>, Duke of <span class="smcap">Monmouth</span>, a study of whom she has
+written under the title of <i>On the Left of a Throne</i> (<span class="smcap">Lane</span>); and of all
+the Stuarts he is the one about whom it is most difficult to avoid being
+sentimental. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Nepean</span> has perhaps just succeeded, but only just; and
+we will agree, therefore, to call her style vividly enthusiastic. She is
+quite frankly in love with <span class="smcap">Monmouth</span> throughout. That wonderful,
+dangerous beauty fascinates her; and who, looking at the delightful
+portraits with which the book abounds, is going to blame her or anyone
+else for yielding to its charm? One fortunate result of this attitude is
+that the Fairy Prince of the seventeenth century lives again in the page
+of this fervent admirer as he would never have lived in those of a
+colder historian. Dancing, riding, hunting, raking and fighting, we are
+bound to feel about him much as old <span class="smcap">Pepys</span> did, who called him, in a
+memorable and picturesque phrase, "skittish and leaping," and, for all
+his righteous disapproval, admired with the best. "How he would have
+loved flying!" is Mrs. <span class="smcap">Nepean's</span> very characteristic comment upon a
+record of her hero's graceful activities. For one thing especially does
+the writer of this study deserve gratitude. She dwells purposely as
+little as possible upon the details of the rebellion; but she has made
+it her duty to win back for <span class="smcap">Monmouth</span> some of the credit for personal
+courage of which popular history has been too ready to deprive him. Here
+you may read how, after the short agony of nerves was over, he faced
+death with a placid and untheatrical bravery, than which the long
+records of the scaffold show nothing finer. It is a profoundly moving
+end to a fascinating story.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/illus-240.jpg"><img width="100%" src="images/illus-240.jpg" alt="OUR CURIO CRANKS." /></a>
+<br /><br />
+OUR CURIO CRANKS.<br />
+<span class="smcap">The man who takes impressions of the footprints of famous authors.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<p>After reading <i>Two Women</i> (<span class="smcap">Methuen</span>) I hope to avoid "girl bachelors" for
+a very long time. They are, Mr. <span class="smcap">Max Pemberton</span> says, curious products of
+the century, and I am not disposed to contradict him. In <i>Gertrude
+Wynne's</i> flat, "Debussy's music was open upon a miniature grand, and a
+volume of Anatola France stood upon the marquetry table near the
+fireplace;" but in <i>Doris Holt's</i> room "an open piano had a song from a
+revue upon it, while a translation of one of Paul de Koch's novels lay
+upon the window-seat." That ought to give the key to their characters,
+but if it does not, let me boldly add that <i>Gertrude</i> was clever and
+sedate, while <i>Doris</i> was a queen of minxes. <i>Doris</i>, indeed, got
+herself into a pretty mess with a vulgar philanderer called <i>Lord
+Raymore</i>, and was justly punished by marrying him. This <i>Raymore</i> man
+despised politics, but all the same he had made up his mind to "win a
+place in the Tory Cabinet, and to pose there as the new Disraeli," which
+makes me think that Mr. <span class="smcap">Pemberton</span> is occasionally funnier than he means
+to be. Not until we get away from the girl bachelors and are off on a
+spying expedition to Germany with <i>Captain Ainsworth</i> does the story
+grip. Then, however, things begin to happen, and the flight from the
+German fortress, in which <i>Ainsworth</i> had been imprisoned, is really
+thrilling. In his next book I hope Mr. <span class="smcap">Pemberton</span> will leave "curious
+products" alone and let us have an extra dose of adventure to make up
+for the meagre allowance contained in <i>Two Women</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It is far more important to have the right style in the country
+than in town. Men don't want their women to wear something that
+will frighten the birds away. Nothing cheap or badly cut ought ever
+to be worn in the country."</p>
+
+<p><i>Vanity Fair and Hearth &amp; Home.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>The birds</i>: "We really cannot stay to be shot to-day, the women are
+wearing such cheap clothes."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Close of an essay by a small girl on <span class="smcap">Charles I.</span>:&mdash;"Had Charles the First
+been more strong minded and sincere, he would have been a better king;
+as it was, he was more suited for a clergyman."</p>
+
+<hr class="hr" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, March 25, 1914, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
+
+
+
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 25, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 25, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24358]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  Edited By Owen Seaman.
+
+  VOL. 146
+
+
+  March 25, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+  CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+The attention of the AMERICAN AMBASSADOR has been called to the danger
+of after-dinner speaking. There is many a true word said in
+digestion--and the truth is apt to hurt sensitive nations.
+
+       * * *
+
+Art circles continue to seethe with indignation over the National
+Gallery outrage. Even the Post-Impressionists have now no sympathy with
+the Suffragettes, for they realise that, while in this instance it was
+only a Velasquez which was injured, next time it might be a sublime
+Bomberg or a transcendent Wyndham Lewis.
+
+       * * *
+
+Sir HIRAM MAXIM has addressed an open letter to Mrs. PANKHURST
+containing a number of questions, and asking for certain definite
+information before he joins her party. Nothing, we believe, would please
+that party better than to be able to add a Maxim to its armament.
+
+       * * *
+
+A number of Liverpool women, many of whom are Suffragettes, have formed
+a Women's Church. A feature of this Church will no doubt be the
+institution of frequent Fasts with a view to training the worshippers to
+cope with the difficulties of every-day life.
+
+       * * *
+
+A fire brigade composed entirely of girl students successfully
+fought a fire last week at Wellesley College, a famous American
+educational institution. A strongly-worded protest against their
+unwomanly conduct has, we understand, been sent from the headquarters of
+the W.S.P.U.
+
+       * * *
+
+After much wordy warfare between our contemporary's readers, the
+proprietors of _The Saturday Westminster Gazette_ have now decided
+definitely that it shall be printed on white paper, on the ground that
+this is better for the eyesight, and the White-and-See party has thus
+gained a notable victory over the Green-and-Bear-It party.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. ROY HORNIMAN has become chairman of the Committee for the Prevention
+of Cruelty to Stage Animals. There is good work to be done here. We have
+always understood that the hind-legs of the Pantomime dragon suffer
+terribly while on the stage, owing to the closeness of the atmosphere.
+
+       * * *
+
+Rumours reach us of trouble between _The Daily Mail_ and its
+enterprising young _protege_, _The Times._ It is all on account of the
+former possibly being compelled to modify its announcement, "Daily net
+sale six times as large as that of any penny London morning journal,"
+and charges of ingratitude are flying about.
+
+       * * *
+
+From the North-West Frontier of India comes the news that the
+station-master has been kidnapped from Shahkat station by raiders. It is
+now proposed that, with a view to preventing the recurrence of such a
+theft, every station-master shall in future wear a collar with a bell
+attached to it which would give the alarm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR VAVASOUR, HAVING DRAGGED THE NOW ALMOST UNCONSCIOUS
+MAIDEN TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF, WAS ABOUT TO THROW HER OVER, WHEN ...
+
+[Illustration: THE ARTIST CHANGED HIS MIND AND TURNED THEM INTO A COUPLE
+DANCING THE TANGO.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a dinner to Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD, the chairman referred to "the two
+wings of the Labour movement." Two wings, unfortunately, do not make an
+angel.
+
+       * * *
+
+Some pigeons, it is stated, have built their nests and are rearing their
+young at the very point of the Tower Bridge bascules. The S.P.C.A.,
+always alert, is presumably moving in the matter with a view to the
+bridge being closed until the little family is out in the world.
+
+       * * *
+
+The expression, "The Theatre of War," gets more apt every day. During
+the Balkan War the Servians and Montenegrins used a rattle to imitate
+machine-gun fire, and a machine has now been devised for imitating the
+noise of an aeroplane engine, with the object of alarming hostile
+troops.
+
+       * * *
+
+"We like the stories of men who joked on their death-beds," says _The
+Times_ in a leader. Now that _The Times_ has signified its approval we
+shall never be surprised to see this become Society's latest hobby.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has sold a portion of his library, consisting of
+early editions of SHAKSPEARE and CHAUCER, to an American dealer for
+L200,000. His Grace is said to have calculated that, if he replaced
+these books by the nice handy little editions which are now to be
+obtained for sixpence and a shilling a-piece, the transaction would mean
+a considerable profit for him.
+
+       * * *
+
+A skeleton, which is computed to be 150,000 years old, has been
+discovered by a German professor. From the position in which it was
+found it is conjectured that the man was drowned, and the police will no
+doubt take the matter up, and the relatives will, if possible, be
+communicated with.
+
+       * * *
+
+In an age when cheapness seems to be most persons' ideal, it is
+refreshing to note that there has been placed on the market a musical
+instrument which frankly calls itself the Dea Piano.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG.
+
+    IN the sunshine went the bee
+      Busily, O busily;
+    White birds flashed upon the sea,
+      White cliffs mounted dizzily;
+    There a shepherd tuned his reed
+    For the maiden of his need:
+    "Shepherdess," he piped, "give heed!"
+      Long ago in Sicily.
+
+    "As the sky your eyes are blue,"
+      He continued wittily
+    (When he said this it was new--
+      Just come south from Italy);
+    And she let her lids downfall
+    (This was then original)
+    At the marvel of it all--
+      Prettily, O prettily.
+
+    So the milch-goats went astray--
+      That's the short and long of it;
+    While they laughed the hours away--
+      That's the right and wrong of it;
+    Till the white wings ceased to strive,
+    Till the brown bee sought the hive;
+    "Wonderful!" they said--and I've
+      Made a silly song of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOBSON'S.
+
+"Is it a bad one?" I said.
+
+"It's just one of my headaches," said the lady of the house.
+
+"But some of your headaches," I said, "are different from others.
+Some----"
+
+"This," she said, "is one of the different ones."
+
+"Is it like those you have when Mrs. Martlet comes to collect on behalf
+of the Chimney-Sweeps' Aid Society? I mean, will it yield to treatment
+in about an hour?"
+
+"No," she groaned; "it's even worse than those. It's all over my head."
+
+"Oh, but if that's the sort I'm all sympathy. Only tell me what I can
+do. Are cold compresses any good? Or the doctor? It might be measles,
+you know. All the best people have measles now. Real measles, I mean;
+not the German sort. Shall I start isolating you? They tell me I'm a
+first-class isolater."
+
+"No," she said, "don't do that. It sounds so heartless."
+
+"Well," I said, "if there's anything else in reason I'm your man."
+
+"I want you," she said, "to go to London."
+
+"To London?" I said. "Of course I'll go. It's the very place I'm wanting
+to go to. In fact, I was going there anyhow; only when you said you'd
+got a headache I thought I'd stay here and help to cool your brow."
+
+"But why," she murmured, "were you going to London anyhow?"
+
+"Because," I said, "I've bought a season ticket. When the
+ticket-collector comes round I shan't fumble in all my pockets, or
+scrabble on the floor, or get red and nervous. I shall just sit tight
+without looking at him and whisper 'Season' from behind my penny
+_Times._ I've always wanted to be like that, and now I am it."
+
+"But will you get your money's worth out of it?"
+
+"Yes," I said, "if I have to travel up and down three times a day to do
+it."
+
+"And will you be an angel?" she said.
+
+"I am. My wings are fully grown."
+
+"Then I want you to fly for me to Jobson's."
+
+"To Jobson's?" I said in a voice of vague alarm.
+
+"Yes, Jobson's. The great Stores in the Bothwell Road."
+
+"But I shall get lost," I said. "I haven't got a head for Stores.
+Perhaps if I sew my address into the back of my waistcoat I might
+venture, but it's an awful undertaking. And how does one dress for
+Stores?"
+
+"Oh, anyhow," she said. "And when you get there I want you to order some
+stockings for the girls--about four pairs each--and three warm
+undervests for John."
+
+"But what about the size?" I said.
+
+"You won't have any difficulty. Mention their ages, or take up a few old
+sample stockings and an undervest with you. They won't be heavy to
+carry. Now leave me to my headache."
+
+Not long afterwards I was in London, having travelled up gently but
+firmly as a season-ticket holder. With a beating heart I made my way to
+the imposing block of buildings known as Jobson's and entered its
+portals. As I did so I realised in a flash of shame that I had left my
+parcel of samples in the train. I had known it would be so. I am not
+accustomed to carry brown paper parcels in railway carriages, and of
+course I had forgotten it. As I failed afterwards to get it back I have
+the satisfaction of knowing that someone has been badly disappointed. To
+carry off a parcel and then to find that it contains three stockings,
+all with holes in the toes and knees, and one small undervest buttonless
+and torn into strips up the back, must be a bitter blow.
+
+Jobson's, when I entered it, was a scene of great animation. Crowds of
+customers, nearly all women, were standing about or moving purposefully
+in various directions. Brisk and harassed attendants, male and female,
+were rushing hither and thither. Confusion and purchase reigned supreme.
+Keeping a tight hold on myself I wandered on until, by some mistake, I
+found myself in the Ladies' Dress department.
+
+"Yes, Sir?" said one of the girls in a tone of surprised interrogation.
+
+"Can I order a dress?" I said nervously. "A lady's dress, you know. For
+my wife," I added hastily, for a look of cold disapproval had shown
+itself on the attendant's face. "She has a bad headache or she would
+have come herself. Or is there an Ironmongery department?"
+
+"Second floor. You can go in the lift," said the girl.
+
+The Ironmongery department was attractive beyond description. Fire-irons
+glittered, fenders gleamed, and there was a lawn-mower which gaped so
+pathetically that I was all but forced to buy it.
+
+"Is anyone looking after you, Sir?" said a gentleman with the air and
+manners of a diplomatist.
+
+"No," I said; "I want a stocking or two."
+
+"Hosiery department on the ground floor. You can go in the lift;" and he
+too left me.
+
+Down I went again, plunged head-first through the Ladies' Dress
+department, and came to an anchor amongst the pipes, cigars, cigarettes
+and tobacco. Here I bought two pipes, a cigar-cutter, and five
+match-stands of a very novel design. Having thus paid my footing, I
+addressed the salesman.
+
+"Take me," I said, "to the Hosiery department."
+
+"Straight on, Sir," he said, "and turn to the right before you get to
+the musical instruments."
+
+"No, no," I said, "that won't do. I have been trying to get there all
+day by myself and have failed. I am so very musical. If I go alone I
+shall be drawn in among the flutes and harmoniums. Conduct me to the
+hosiery or I shall return the match-stands."
+
+Moved by my appeal he conducted me, and at last reached my haven and
+made my purchases. When I got home, the headache was gone, and in its
+place there was a critical spirit which prophesied that all the
+stockings would certainly be of the wrong size and quality, while the
+undervests would be equally useless. About the pipes, cigar-cutter and
+the match-stands I preferred to say nothing at all.
+
+On the whole the visit to Jobson's was a failure. R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEST POLICY.
+
+(_Addressed to either pioneer of journalistic insurance._)
+
+    GREAT PAPER (with the booster circulation),
+      I much admire your latest enterprise;
+    I positively cheer with acclamation
+      When, daily, lines like these arrest my eyes:
+    "ANOTHER OF OUR READERS BREAKS HIS NECK;
+    PHOTO OF RELATIVES RECEIVING CHEQUE."
+
+    Yes, yes, I _know_ you meet more claims and vaster
+      Than does your noisy rival on the press;
+    Methinks the Furies, plotters of disaster,
+      Intend your scheme to be the true success;
+    And, of the pair, 'tis you appear to be
+    The surer passport to eternity.
+
+    So, sighing not for realms that are infernal,
+      I'll buy the meaner sheet, the over-matched;
+    Or, better still, some nice old-fashioned journal
+      To which no startling terror is attached;
+    Let others read you, heroes who can brave
+    The instant peril of a bloody grave!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIGHTENING THE DARKNESS.
+
+[The LORD MAYOR has opened a fund to assist the National Institute for
+the Blind in its endeavour to increase and cheapen the supply of BRAILLE
+literature.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE BRAVE 3D. DAYS.
+
+In these times of change and stress I have been remembering with much
+relief a curious character who haunted the British Museum Reading Room a
+quarter of a century ago. He cannot be there still, for he was elderly
+then: a military-looking man with a very upright, almost corsetted,
+form, a reddish face and a gingery moustache that in its prime might
+have graced a major. His eye however, was not martial, but blue and
+mild, watery and wandering, its quest being, I fancy, a convivial
+acquaintance with enough money and generosity for two instalments of
+refreshment. His hair, which was scanty, was carefully brushed, and
+parted at the back even to his collar, and upon it was perched at a
+slight angle a tall hat ironed beyond endurance. His erect body was
+encased in a tightly-buttoned frock-coat so shiny that it glistened, and
+as for his boots, no really softhearted observer could bear to look
+twice at them, so inadequate were they to our city of rain.
+
+Such was this jaunty thread-bare scholar; but what was his special
+branch of learning I never discovered, nor did he make the discovery
+easy, for, though he had a desk, it seldom had books upon it, and he was
+rarely there: drifting instead about the vast room, exchanging a few
+words with this or that crony, and too often leaving it with them on
+brief expeditions across the road. He may merely have been a
+sermon-copyist, busy only towards Sunday. He may have been a loafer pure
+and simple. I say I don't know; but he was a landmark of the place,
+idiosyncratic enough to be stamped indelibly on at any rate one retina.
+
+One other touch is needed to complete his appearance. He always wore
+gloves, which my memory inclines me to believe had once been pale
+yellow, and he was always accompanied by a copy of _The Times._ This,
+however, he did not carry in his hand, but he tucked it between the
+first and second buttons of his frock-coat, so folded that the title was
+visible, thus guaranteeing to the world that he was one who went to the
+fountain-head for his politics and foreign information. By this
+sign-mark, in spite of the wear and tear which were only too visible in
+his clothes, he became a man apart, for few regular readers among us
+could afford such an organ, even if we were attracted by anything so
+august and severe. But naturally we all thought the more of him for his
+journal. The suggestion of poverty became merely eccentricity.
+
+And then one day, standing by him closely, I made the humiliating
+discovery--as humiliating to me as to him--that the date of the
+protruding copy of _The Times_ was a year or so past, and, looking more
+narrowly at the paper itself, I realised that it had been folded thus
+for months and months and months ...
+
+Innocent deception! I wish I had never detected it, and I am glad to
+think that the gallant old gentleman never knew that it was pierced. But
+how comforting it is to know that he was well in his grave before the
+great revolution of this month set in, to reduce his proof of gentility
+to a penny, and thus reducing it, to render it invalid evermore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LOYALTY.
+
+"IS THAT RIGHT, CHARLIE, 'AS YOUR MISSUS 'ITS YOU WIV A FLAT-IRON?"
+
+"ER--YUS--BUT ONLY WITH THE BLUNT END OF IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Threat.
+
+     "General Bakery and Confectionery. We carry a large stock in both
+     lines. Get the Richardson Bread habit. It will tickle you."
+
+     _Daily News (Port Arthur, Canada)._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ITALIAN WAR MEDALS.
+
+(From Our Own Correspondent).
+
+     War vessels were distributed to the troops to-day in the Piazza
+     Pledisato."
+
+     _Standard of Buenos Aires._
+
+Much better to have stuck to the first idea and given them medals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Oxford Ducks.
+
+     "Going up a good water they rowed a minute at 32, but otherwise
+     were only waddling."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant._ "NOW, I CAN TELL CHARACTER WHEN I
+SEE IT, SO MARK MY WORDS. IF YOU JOIN NOW YOU'LL BE A SWANKIN' GENERAL
+IN FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR MISCONCEPTIONS.
+
+     ["Lord Northcliffe rarely sees and never reads a letter, being
+     mainly nowadays engaged in golf and travel."--_Daily Mail._]
+
+Nothing is more curious in the journalistic world than the widespread
+illusion which prevails as to the nature of Mr. Larvin's editorial
+activities. The common view is that he writes nineteen columns in every
+issue of the _Sunday Swerver_, besides contributing a leading article,
+seven leaderettes, three reviews and a "special" political manifesto to
+each number of the _Pale Mail Gazette._ As a matter of fact nothing
+could be wider of the mark. Mr. Larvin for many years has taken a
+detached and dispassionate view of politics, devoting the greater part
+of his time to collecting Egyptian papyri, and playing squash racquets,
+at which he is remarkably proficient. Although he occasionally inspires
+a paragraph in one or other of the papers mentioned, he hardly ever
+comes to either office, and is not even known by sight to the office
+boys.
+
+Another instance of the wide discrepancy between fact and popular belief
+is furnished by the case of Mr. Murbidge, the manager of Garrod's
+Stores. Mr. Murbidge is commonly supposed to be an omniscient and
+ubiquitous administrator, who holds all the strings of Garrod's in his
+hands, and to whom all questions are referred for immediate decision. No
+one is more amused at this extraordinary hallucination than Mr. Murbidge
+himself. Nowadays he is almost entirely occupied in tarpon fishing,
+running a plovers' egg farm on Romney Marsh, and playing the pianola.
+
+Sir James Lignum's appearances at Queen's Hall have led to a host of
+misconceptions as to his real interests and accomplishments. It is true
+that he wields the _baton_ on those occasions, but he never sees the
+orchestra at any other time or hears a note of music, being entirely
+occupied with philately and teaching a boys' club boxing in the
+East-end. The band are absolutely independent of his control, while
+acquiescing in his presence as a valuable spectacular asset, owing to
+the extreme whiteness of his hands, the exquisite cut of his frock-coat,
+and the capillary attraction exerted on the audience by his glossy and
+luxuriant chevelure.
+
+We understand that Mr. Larry Cawdor is deeply incensed by the widespread
+prevalence of the erroneous impression that he still appears in the
+music-halls. For many years he has been replaced by an imitator who
+bears the same name and has modelled himself, both vocally and
+histrionically, on his illustrious namesake. But the real Larry Cawdor
+never sets foot inside a music-hall nowadays, being mainly engaged on
+an exhaustive commentary on the _Talmud_ and devoting his scanty leisure
+to the collection of entomological specimens for his private museum.
+
+It is strange that so many people believe that the finances of the
+country are still controlled by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE. Nominally of course he
+is still Chancellor of the Exchequer, but he never goes near the
+Treasury, never reads a State Paper or troubles his head with facts or
+figures. When he is not inspiring our Foreign Policy--for which Sir
+EDWARD GREY so unfairly gains the credit--he is generally to be found
+playing piquet with Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR, or four-ball foursomes with Mr.
+MASTERMAN, Mr. DEVLIN and the Baron DE FOREST.
+
+Some misguided people have formed the odd habit of thinking of Sir
+Treebohm Herr as an actor. But how far from the truth this is will be
+ascertained in a moment when we say that he devotes himself almost
+wholly to studying his brother's facetious drawings and attempting to
+improve on them. Any histrionic reputation that he may have made has
+been the work of understudies while the principal was busy with his
+_quasi_-comic pencil.
+
+Mr. Seldom Gorfridge, the great American shopkeeper whose advertisements
+are so highly esteemed by the London Press, is popularly believed to be
+interested in his business. This is, of course, a foolish misconception.
+Mr. Gorfridge has but one consuming passion and that is pigeon flying.
+Week in and week out he is absorbed by this pursuit at his magnificent
+home in Cornwall, and all that he knows of Oxford Street and millinery
+he learns from the evening papers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOOD--NOT MERELY FOR THOUGHT.
+
+     ["Brick tea in Mongolia not only acts as food, but is used as
+     currency and generally as a means of exchange. It is a very ancient
+     custom, and house rent in Urga is often computed on so many bricks
+     of tea."]
+
+     _From "With the Russians in Mongolia."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The introduction of a food currency on more extensive lines into this
+country might produce such results as the following:--
+
+     TRY THE NEW "VAR-RAY" MASHIE.
+
+     Price One Sausage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     WHITE'S COLD COMPLEXION CREAM.
+
+     Price 12 Strawberries.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     COMPANION WANTED.--Apply, stating Celery required, E. A. T. GREEN,
+     Vegetarian Mansions, S.W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     IRISH LINEN CO., OCH, IRELAND.
+
+     Write to-day for Catalogue, enclosing pat of butter to cover
+     postage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     GENTS' TOILET SALOON,
+     Oxford St., W.
+     Shave ... One Cut from the Joint.
+     Hair-cut, Shampoo, etc. One Sheep's Head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     WHY PAY MORE? THE LIFE OF LLOYD GEORGE. By Bertie Du Porke.
+
+     In side boards, price One Welsh Rarebit. In half-calf, price One
+     Pound (of Veal).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     SHEEPSHANKS & CO., GENTS' OUTFITTERS.
+
+     Gents' ready-to-wear Cycling and Golf Knickers.
+
+     Usual price, Two Legs of Lamb. Sale price, Two Legs of Mutton.
+     Cycling Hose, to clear--Two Calves Foot Jellies per pair. Gents'
+     White Spats, clearance price--One Bag of Nuts.
+
+     SHEEPSHANKS & CO., Poultry, E.C. Lists sent Paste Free.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     CLERK WANTED.--The successful applicant would be enabled to earn
+     his bread and butter daily.--Apply, T. POTTER & CO., E.C.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     PECKSTEIN HALL.
+
+     To-morrow at Three.
+
+     Vocalist ... Miss Lottie Teathe. At the Mouth Organ. M. Grubbe.
+     Prices:--Boxes, Three Gross Sardines. Body, One Pig's Heart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOME OF THE LARGE STORES ARE GIVING EXHIBITIONS OF HOW TO
+CHOOSE A SUITABLE HAT. ABOVE WE SHOW A TRAGEDY IN SIX ACTS OF THE
+CUSTOMER WHOM NO HAT WILL SUIT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHIMES AND THE CHUBE.
+
+    As when a solemn bell
+      Sounds from a little spire
+    The smock-frocked villagers to tell
+    "'Tis church time," and they heed the summons well,
+    Gaffer, and Jarge and Kate, and tiny Nell,
+      And last of all comes Squire--
+
+    So have I heard afar
+      And pondered on my crimes,
+    Reader of many a flashy par.
+    While travelling in the subterranean car,
+    A voice that murmured, "What a fool you are
+      Not to take in _The Chimes_!"
+
+    I said, "It costs three d.,"
+      But lied about the cause;
+    I feared the toils of destiny,
+    I felt those stately columns close on me,
+    I shuddered as I rattled like a pea
+      Citywards without pause.
+
+    _Tuppence_! The fearful sound
+      Pealed like an organ crash;
+    Once more the mesh was drawing round,
+    But still I cried, "Economy!" and drowned
+    The still small voice, and in the Underground
+      Flaunted _The Daily Flash._
+
+    Short shrift for those that err!
+      Jove has rebuked my sin:
+    Now, helpless and without demur,
+    You shall behold me where the tube-lifts purr
+    Pale captive to the penny _Thunderer_
+      With supplements heaved in.
+
+    Only one thing I cry,
+      With tears and laughter mixed,
+    That those who speed or far or nigh
+    The swift-winged wains of the Electric Ry.,
+    And furnish them with little thongs whereby
+      The passengers are fixed.
+
+    Shall heed the altered price,
+      Shall change with changing times,
+    And run some trains more slow than mice,
+    Stopping between each station once or twice,
+    Fitted with lecterns of a fair device
+      To help me read my _Chimes._
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "THE ORGANIZER, MARCH, 1914.
+
+     TROUBLE always follows misunderstanding. The worst kind of trouble
+     comes from failure to realize the extent of one's capacity.
+
+     LEARN YOUR REAL VALUE.
+
+     PRICE TWOPENCE."
+
+Even this doesn't encourage us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+III.--SETTLING DOWN.
+
+The villa was high up on the hill, having (as Simpson was to point out
+several times later) Mentone on its left hand and Monte Carlo on its
+right. A long winding path led up through its garden of olives to the
+front door, and through the mimosa trees which flanked this door we
+could see already a flutter of white aprons. The staff was on the loggia
+waiting to greet us.
+
+We halted a moment out of sight of the ladies above and considered
+ourselves. It came to us with a sudden shock that we were a very large
+party.
+
+"I suppose," said Archie to Simpson, "they do expect all of us and not
+only you? You told them that about half London was coming?"
+
+"We're only six," said Myra, "because I've just counted again, but we
+seem about twenty."
+
+"It's quite all right," said Simpson cheerfully. "I said we'd be six."
+
+"But six in a letter is much smaller than six of us like this; and when
+they see our luggage----"
+
+"Let's go back," I suggested, suddenly nervous. To be five guests of the
+guest of a man you have never met is delicate work.
+
+At this critical moment Archie assumed command. He is a Captain in the
+Yeomanry and has tackled bigger jobs than this in his time.
+
+"We must get ourselves into proper order," he said. "Simpson, the villa
+has been lent to _you_; you must go first. Dahlia and I come next. When
+we arrive you will introduce us as your friends, Mr. and Mrs. Mannering.
+Then turning to Myra you say, 'Mr. Mannering's sister; and this,' you
+add, 'is her husband.' Then--er--Thomas----"
+
+"It will be difficult to account for Thomas," I said.
+
+"Thomas comes at the end. He hangs back a little at first; and then if
+he sees that there is going to be any awkwardness about him, he can
+pretend he's come on the wrong night, and apologise and go home again."
+
+"If Thomas goes, I go," said Myra dramatically.
+
+"I have another idea," I said. "Thomas hides here for a bit. We
+introduce ourselves and settle in, and have lunch; and after lunch we
+take a stroll in the garden, and to our great surprise discover Thomas.
+'Thomas,' we say, '_you_ here? Dear old chap, we thought you were in
+England. How splendid! Where are you staying? Oh, but you must stop with
+_us_; we can easily have a bed put up for you in the garage.' And
+then----"
+
+"Not after lunch," said Thomas; "before lunch."
+
+"Don't all be so silly," smiled Dahlia. "They'll wonder what has
+happened to us if we wait any longer. Besides, the men will be here with
+the luggage directly. Come along."
+
+"Samuel," said Archie, "forward."
+
+In our new formation we marched up, Simpson excited and rehearsing to
+himself the words of introduction, we others outwardly calm. At a range
+of ten yards he opened fire. "How do you do?" he beamed. "Here we all
+are! Isn't it a lovely----"
+
+The cook-housekeeper, majestic but kindly, came forward with
+outstretched hand and welcomed him volubly--in French. The other three
+ladies added their French to hers. There was only one English body on
+the loggia. It belonged to a bull-dog. The bull-dog barked loudly at
+Simpson in English.
+
+There was no "Cook's homme" to save Simpson this time. But he rose to
+the occasion nobly. The scent of the mimosa inspired him.
+
+"_Merci_," he said, "_Merci. Oui, n'est ce pas_? Delightful. Er--these
+are--_ces sont mes amis._ Er--Dahlia, come along--er, _Monsieur et
+Madame Mannering_--er--Myra, _la soeur de Monsieur_--- er--where are
+you, old chap?--_le mari de la soeur de Monsieur._ Er--Thomas--er----"
+(he was carried away by memories of his schoolboy French), "_le frere du
+jardinier_--er----" He wheeled round and saw me; introduced me again;
+introduced Myra as my wife, Archie as her brother, and Dahlia as
+Archie's wife; and then with a sudden inspiration presented Thomas
+grandly as "_le beau-pere du petit fils de mes amis Monsieur et Madame
+Mannering._" Thomas seemed more assured of his place as Peter's
+godfather than as the brother of the gardener.
+
+There were four ladies; we shook hands with all of them. It took us a
+long time, and I doubt if we got it all in even so, for twice I found
+myself shaking hands with Simpson. But these may have been additional
+ones thrown in. It was over at last, and we followed the staff indoors.
+
+And then we had another surprise. It was broken to us by Dahlia, who, at
+Simpson's urgent request, took up the position of lady of the house, and
+forthwith received the flowing confidence of the housekeeper.
+
+"Two of us have to sleep outside," she said.
+
+"Where?" we all asked blankly.
+
+We went on to the loggia again, and she pointed to a little house almost
+hidden by olive-trees in a corner of the garden below us.
+
+"Oh, well, that's all right," said Archie. "It's on the estate. Thomas,
+you and Simpson won't mind that a bit, will you?"
+
+"We can't turn Samuel out of his own house," said Myra indignantly.
+
+"We aren't turning him; he wants to go. But, of course, if you and your
+young man would like to live there instead----"
+
+Myra looked at me eagerly.
+
+"It would be rather fun," she said. "We'd have another little honeymoon
+all to ourselves."
+
+"It wouldn't really be a honeymoon," I objected. "We should always be
+knocking up against trippers in the garden, Archies and Samuels and
+Thomases and what not. They'd be all over the place."
+
+Dahlia explained the domestic arrangements. The honeymooners had their
+little breakfast in their own little house, and then, joined the others
+for the day at about ten.
+
+"Or eleven," said Thomas.
+
+"It would be rather lovely," said Myra thoughtfully.
+
+"Yes," I agreed; "but have you considered that---- Come over this way a
+moment, where Thomas and Simpson can't hear, while I tell you some of
+the disadvantages."
+
+I led her into a quiet corner and suggested a few things to her which I
+hoped would not occur to the other two.
+
+_Item_: That if it was raining hard at night it would be beastly.
+_Item_: That if you suddenly found you'd left your pipe behind it would,
+be rotten. _Item:_ That if, as was probable, there wasn't a proper
+bathroom in the little house, it would be sickening. _Item_: That if she
+had to walk on muddy paths in her evening shoes, it would be----
+
+At this point Myra suddenly caught the thread of the argument. We went
+back to the others.
+
+"We think," said Myra, "it would be perfectly heavenly in the little
+house; but----" She hesitated.
+
+"But at the same time," I said, "we think it's up to Simpson and Thomas
+to be English gentlemen. Samuel, it's your honour."
+
+There was a moment's silence.
+
+"Come along," said Thomas to Simpson, "let's go and look at it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After lunch, clean and well-fed and happy, we lay in deck-chairs on the
+loggia and looked lazily down at the Mediterranean.
+
+"Thank you, Samuel, for bringing us," said Dahlia gently. "Your friends
+must be very fond of you to have lent you this lovely place."
+
+"Not fonder than we are," said Myra, smiling at him. A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE COMPLEAT POLICEMAN."]
+
+(_A new schedule has, we understand, been issued to the Force, entitled
+"Hints for Police employed on Traffic Duty."_)
+
+"THE REGULATION OF TRAFFIC, SO AS TO PREVENT OBSTRUCTION OR ACCIDENT,
+REQUIRES TACT."
+
+[Illustration: "NEVER GET FLUSTERED OR ANNOYED," AND]
+
+[Illustration: "KEEP A LOOK-OUT FOR THE CARRIAGES OF PRIVILEGED
+PERSONS]."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Sketch_, in its search for a White Hope, says:--
+
+     "Who will be the next world's champion?"
+
+The writer must wait till he gets to the next world; we hope he is in no
+hurry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ex (Exmouth).--There is an easy way to tell if a diamond is
+     genuine. Make a small dot on a piece of paper with a lead pencil
+     and look at it through the diamond. If it shows but a single dot
+     the diamond is genuine."--_Tit-Bits._
+
+We cordially invite the writer to come and look at dots through our
+Bouverie Street windows. We will then sell him the lot for a million
+pounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Oxford rowed a bridge trial from Barnes to Hammersmith yesterday
+     morning on a fast ebb. It was good, but not good enough considering
+     the conditions, for everything was in their favour, the amount of
+     land water in the river making the tide a fast one and the wind
+     being at their backs."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Our contemporary must make up its mind which way the crew sits before
+the day of the race.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "This was Inman's last opportunity, as Reece, in his next hand, ran
+     to his points with a great break of 202. He failed at an easy red
+     winner, and after Inman had missed a simple shot Reece ran out."
+
+     _Times._
+
+     _REECE (after reaching his points with a great break of 202)_: Have
+     another shot, INMAN, old man. Hard luck! Now I really _must_ go.
+     [_Exit at a run._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     DEAR MR. PUNCH,--While idly looking over _Chambers' Dictionary_ I
+     came across the Christian name "Herbert," and noticed that it meant
+     "The Glory of the Army." This aroused my curiosity, and I thought I
+     should pursue the matter further by looking up the meaning of his
+     other name. You may judge my surprise when I found that "Henry"
+     meant "Home Ruler," and was given in these exact words. After this
+     Mr. ASQUITH'S dogged determination to carry Home Rule is readily
+     understood. He is a child of destiny.
+
+    I am, etc., KISMET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor (to old Appleby dame whose son his been eaten by
+cannibals in the South Sea Islands)._ "I AM SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR THIS
+BAD NEWS ABOUT YOUR SON. CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE IT HAPPENED?"
+
+_Dame._ "NAY, A DON'T RIGHTLY KNAA. IT WAS SOOMWHAR BELOW KENDAL."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANCERS DAY BY DAY.
+
+_March 18._--A telegram from Tipperusalem, Oklahoma, states that Madame
+Titipoff, as the result of partaking of tinned oysters at supper, is
+suffering from acute ptomaine poisoning, and will, at the most
+favourable estimate, be unable to dance for another six months.
+
+_March 19._--Authoritative cables from Sydney convey the distressing
+intelligence that M. Gordkin is suffering from a complete nervous
+breakdown. His temperature has never been below 117 for the last week,
+and his pulse varies from 240 to 260. The doctors take a serious view of
+his case, and all his engagements have been cancelled.
+
+_March 20._--At Dundee last night, Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff, while dancing
+at the Corybantic Music Hall, slipped on a patch of marmalade which had
+been inadvertently allowed to remain on the stage, and fractured both
+her kneecaps. It is feared that the famous _ballerina_ will not be able
+to fulfil her engagements in Aberdeen next month.
+
+_March 21._--Latest advices from Tipperusalem give a reassuring account
+of Madame Titipoff's progress. On Thursday she was allowed to sit up for
+half an hour, and she ate a beefsteak with evident zest. On learning
+that the canned oyster vendor had been tarred and feathered, Madame
+Titipoff at once announced her intention of dancing on the following
+night.
+
+_March 22._--A despatch just received from M. Gordkin's agent at Sydney
+announces that the famous artist's temperature is now normal and his
+pulse steady at 60. The cause of his recent trivial indisposition was a
+hostile criticism in a local paper, but with the dismissal of the critic
+the incident is now regarded as closed, and M. Gordkin will resume his
+saltatorial activities in a day or two.
+
+_March 23._--The news of Mlle. Stchortskirtsoff's accident happily turns
+out to have been exaggerated. Her kneecaps were not fractured, but two
+hairpins became detached from her chevelure while she was performing a
+protracted pirouette. The famous _danseuse_ is rehearsing a new galvanic
+dance, and marmalade shares are again firm.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is learned officially that Their Excellencies are delighted
+     with the climate, which appears to agree with Lady Chalmers, as
+     well as with the scenery."
+
+     _The Ceylon Morning Leader._
+
+Of course it has known the scenery longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STANZAS WRITTEN IN DEJECTION BEFORE MATRIMONY.
+
+(_A complaint has been voiced in the Press that uncommon wedding
+presents are getting much too common._)
+
+    We fixed our hymeneal day,
+      Bespoke our nuptial cates
+    And summoned to the solemn fray
+    The necessary glum array
+      Of kin and intimates.
+
+    And the more part in their degree
+      Gave gladly gifts of pride,
+    Tall silver ships, complete with sea,
+    And birds of aureate filigree,
+      Pearl-winged and opal-eyed.
+
+    Sheffield they gave, a grievous load,
+      And Chelsea, flower'd and spruce,
+    And antique thingummies in spode;
+    The only thing that none bestowed
+      Was anything of use.
+
+    Fled is the hope we built too soon
+      Of some sub-tropic trek;
+    Farewell, O azure honeymoon,
+    The dull but necessary spoon
+      Claims the paternal cheque.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Latest Cinema Poster.
+
+    "WHEN THE EARTH TREMBLED
+    For six days at great expense."
+
+The longest earthquake on record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEPTUNE'S ALLY.
+
+(_The FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY calls in a new element to redress the
+balance of the old._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ULSTER, DAY BY DAY: MONDAY.
+
+"Now, gents, what offers for this really prime Irish pig? Guaranteed by
+Mr. DEVLIN. You may examine its points as soon as you've bought it." [No
+business.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 16._--The WINSOME WINSTON, sauntering
+in from behind SPEAKER'S Chair when Questions had advanced some way,
+startled by strident cheer from Ministerialists and Irish Nationalists.
+Opposition angrily replied. FIRST LORD, faintly blushing, found
+anchorage on Treasury Bench. Unpremeditated outburst of enthusiasm meant
+as welcome back from Bradford, where he reviewed political situation
+with force and frankness that recalled his father's platform speeches
+delivered in his prime. Demonstration repeated when later he rose to
+answer question concerning his department. Fresh storm of cheering from
+Ministerialists responded to by defiant shouts from Opposition.
+
+WINSTON evidently the man of the moment.
+
+PRIME MINISTER, happily refreshed by week-end holiday, finds himself
+faced by crowd wanting to know all sorts of things that might happen
+concurrently with, or subsequent to, proposed temporary exclusion of
+parts of Ulster from operation of Home Rule Bill. There were twenty-six
+Questions. Assuming minimum number of Supplementaries, there would have
+been at least one hundred.
+
+To amazement and vexation of earnest seekers after truth, the twenty-six
+querists discovered that they were being bowled over faster than
+commonplace nine-pins. As NORMAN CRAIG breathlessly complained, the
+PREMIER, having answered a question, did not, as is his custom of an
+afternoon, resume his seat, and thus provide opportunity for
+supplementary questioner.
+
+This was his method: Taking in hand a sheet of manuscript he recited,
+"Number 45. This is a hypothetical question. Indeed, it involves no
+fewer than three hypotheses. Numbers 57, 64 and 72 are in the same
+category."
+
+Before you knew where you were, bang went four questions. Member after
+Member rose to protest. The PREMIER babbled on like the brook.
+
+"The answer to number 46 and to the first part of 70 is in the negative.
+The answer to number 48 is in the affirmative. Number 49 in the
+negative. I proceed to number 52."
+
+Members held their breath. What could he say about 52? Evidently he
+meant to treat it in different fashion.
+
+"Number 52," he continued in the same level voice, as if he were reading
+catalogue at picture sale, "refers to a small matter which can easily be
+provided for."
+
+Here was batch of another five questions disposed of in barely more than
+as many seconds. And to think of all the industry and ingenuity bestowed
+upon the preparation of this succession of pitfalls designed for the
+engulfing of a ruthless Minister and the dislocation of an iniquitous
+Bill!
+
+Situation capped by PREMIER'S refusal to be drawn into minute
+description of adjustments, financial and administrative, consequent on
+adoption of his proposed amendment of Home Rule Bill. If general
+principle were accepted, the rest would follow. If not, why waste time
+and divert discussion from main issue to subsidiary and incidental
+details? After beating in vain against the indomitable rock standing at
+the Table, BONNER LAW, on behalf of enraged Opposition, gave notice of
+vote of censure. What day will be given for discussion? he asked.
+
+"The earliest possible date," replied the imperturbable PREMIER.
+
+Here episode ended. Its eruption made it clear that hope of settlement
+on grounds prepared a week ago to-day has vanished.
+
+_Business done._--Notice from Front Opposition Bench of vote of censure
+on Ministers.
+
+_Tuesday._--POLE-CAREW had rather a bad time of it. Attacked in sharp
+succession by land and sea. Began at Question time. He merely asked
+whether two divisions and the cavalry brigade in Ireland, which took
+part in manoeuvres last year, weren't rather a scrubby lot of immature
+boys unfit for public service. To quote exact phrase--"whether the
+physical appearance of the men was unsatisfactory; and whether the
+effect of the trooping season was to increase the number of immature
+boys unfit for active service?"
+
+SEELY wrathfully replied in the negative.
+
+"I must," he added, "profess my astonishment that the hon. and gallant
+gentleman should seek by means of suggestions such as are contained in
+this question to discourage and belittle the British soldier, to whom he
+owes so much."
+
+A loud cheer sent home this rebuke.
+
+Worse still when POLLY put out to sea and came athwart the FIRST LORD.
+All he sought was information as to whether the FIRST SEA LORD, having
+publicly alluded to the danger of relying exclusively on the fleet to
+protect the country from invasion, "subsequently went back on his word."
+
+"A most insulting and unfair remark," said WINSTON. "It will," he
+continued, "do nothing but harm if the Navy think the Chiefs whom they
+honour and respect are to be subjected to offensive personal attacks of
+this character directed against them by ex-military men who have gone
+into politics."
+
+"Only let me have five minutes with him, Mr. DEPUTY SPEAKER," said the
+ex-military man nervously turning up his coat cuffs.
+
+[Illustration: A TRIFLE THIN.
+
+_WINSTON takes refuge behind REGINALD._]
+
+[On several points connected with the Navy Estimates Mr. CHURCHILL
+claimed that the responsibility rested with his predecessor at the
+Admiralty.]]
+
+Getting dangerously close to eleven o'clock, at which hour debate, if
+continued, must automatically close. WINSTON punctilious in leaving the
+five minutes demanded. POLE-CAREW'S retort perhaps scarcely up to
+occasion.
+
+[Illustration: ON THE WARPATH AGAINST THE CHARTERED COMPANY.
+
+Alarming outbreak in MacNeilliland.]
+
+"I can only say," he remarked, "that the SECRETARY FOR WAR and the FIRST
+LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY are worthy to sit on the same bench as the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER."
+
+_Business done._--FIRST LORD explained his Naval policy.
+
+_Thursday._--SWIFT MACNEILL introduces new Parliamentary formula.
+Discussing on Civil Service Vote state of things in Rhodesia as
+dominated by the Chartered Company he was interrupted by remark from
+ORMSBY-GORE.
+
+Throwing back his head with lofty scorn, and making a few windmill
+passages with his arms, Member for Donegal said, "I am not going to be
+interrupted by any gentleman of the House of Cecil."
+
+Had this determination been announced by ordinary Member it would not
+have possessed importance likely to affect future course of debate. But
+SWIFT MACNEILL is justly recognised as one of the highest authorities on
+the science and practice of Parliamentary procedure. If he is able to
+support his contention, that a Member may of his free will, in exercise
+of his mature judgment, divide the House into groups of families (as if
+they were counties of Ulster) and say, "I will not be interrupted by
+this one or that," whilst it would have useful effect in curtailing
+proceedings would obviously require nice discrimination.
+
+There are in the present House several family names represented by
+various Members, not all sitting on same side of House. To take a single
+example, there are the WILSONS. Like the family of the child with whom
+WORDSWORTH conversed, they are seven. If SWIFT MACNEILL'S precedent be
+established, a Member rising to continue debate might, by way of
+preface, remark, "I am not going to be interrupted by any gentleman of
+the House of Wilson."
+
+In this particular case A. S. WILSON, whose contributions to debate are
+exclusively interjectionary, would be cut off from the exercise of a
+talent that frequently enlivens a sitting.
+
+SWIFT MACNEILL'S own case is not free from difficulty. The SPEAKER is "a
+gentleman of the House of Cecil." Is he henceforward to be debarred from
+interrupting the Member for Donegal by calls to order?
+
+[Illustration: ULSTER DAY BY DAY: THURSDAY.
+
+Sir EDWARD CARSON. "My train leaves Euston in thirty minutes. We meet at
+Philippi."]
+
+_Business done._--BONNER LAW, master of Parliamentary tactics, obliged
+Government by moving vote of censure. Challenge hilariously accepted.
+Great muster of Ministerialists. On division what was meant as vote of
+censure was practically turned into vote of confidence, carried amid
+enthusiastic cheering by majority of 93 in House of 597 Members.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Golfing Enquiry.
+
+     "Can any reader say whether a coloured attached ribbon (6ft. of
+     1/2in. red) is allowable by the game, merely as an aid in locating
+     the flying ball."--_English Mechanic._
+
+_Answer._ Yes. So is a gramophone (2ft. by 3ft.), and it is more
+certain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "A red or black sash round the waist, and a navy blue straw hat
+     with ribbon to match, would be a most attractive little frock for a
+     warm spring day."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+But it must be a _warm_ spring day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRIUMPH OF THINNESS.
+
+HERBERT is one of those troublesome men who are always asking why I
+don't what he calls "buckle to" and make some money. But his latest
+suggestion was his maddest, and I think that I got out of it rather
+neatly. For Herbert is a determined fellow from whom you can't escape
+until you have promised quite a lot and sometimes even had actually to
+do something.
+
+"Do you want two hundred pounds?" he bounced in upon me and said.
+
+"Who doesn't?" I replied.
+
+"Well, here you are then. It's as easy as falling off a ladder. Only a
+little industry required;" and he threw a paper on to my table.
+
+I spread it out and saw: "One Thousand Cash Prizes amounting to L1,000.
+First Prize L200. All you have to do is to make as many words as you can
+out of 'JENKINS' GLORIOUS GUM.'"
+
+"Thanks," I said; "this isn't intended for really thoughtful people."
+
+At this, however, he merely sniffed and pulled a fountain-pen from his
+pocket.
+
+"I'll make a start," he said; "'gin' one; 'niggle'--that's rather
+good--two; 'mug' three." But after that his mind seemed to wander, and
+he added rather feebly, "and so on. It's ridiculously easy when you have
+a dictionary. Will you try?"
+
+"No," I replied, and a fierce argument followed.
+
+But just as he was getting really angry my eye fell upon a condition
+that I had overlooked. "Ten pounds," I saw, "will be awarded to the
+competitor whose envelope is opened first."
+
+"I'll go in," I said, and Herbert replied, "Good egg, I'll bet you win.
+Don't forget 'mug.'"
+
+"No, I won't forget 'mug'," I assured him as he left, for his last word
+had given me an idea.
+
+Solemnly I sat down in front of "JENKINS' GLORIOUS GUM" and saw at once
+that my word would do. In two minutes "Juggins" had been put into a very
+large envelope all by himself, and I was out of work again.
+
+But the part that you won't believe has to come.
+
+I won the L10--I did really. Among the multitude of fat envelopes
+bulging with words, my thin "Juggins" simply insisted upon being opened
+first. The thousands of chartered accountants assembled for the counting
+almost fought for him, he was nearly torn in two in their desire to
+begin with what looked like an easy one--or so I like to imagine the
+scene. But Herbert is insufferably proud of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPECTRUM.
+
+    According to the Ladies' Press,
+    Who would be really smart must dress
+
+    In crimson puce or purple hair:
+    My Phyllis doesn't leave it there,
+
+    But less than ever doth she seem
+    Content with Nature's colour-scheme.
+
+    Her brow is scarlet; week by week
+    New tints bedeck her maiden cheek.
+
+    (To-day they wear the pleasing hue
+    Which Fashion calls "electric" blue,
+
+    And, when their owner's startled, show
+    A healthy blush of indigo.)
+
+    Her sense of artistry appears
+    In what she does about her ears;
+
+    With colours of the naval sort
+    She marks the starboard from the port.
+
+    Her lips are lemon; underneath
+    Appear her willow-pattern teeth.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+    But when, to serve another end,
+    She threatened to adopt a blend
+
+    Of tints with which I cannot cope--
+    The green and white and heliotrope,
+
+    "You know," said I, "your business best;
+    Myself, I lose all interest.
+
+    In other words, it may be said,
+    My love for you is frankly dead."
+
+    "Alas," she answered, "and alack!" ...
+    Her nose is now in mourning (black).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW FEUILLETON. BEGIN IT TO-DAY.
+
+JOSEPH LATE-USHER.
+
+By CLEVER MAURICE.
+
+
+CHARACTERS IN THE STORY.
+
+THE DUCHESS OF KIMBERLEY (Ruby), a svelte aquiline-nosed woman of some
+forty summers, with green hair and two aigrettes. She has been a widow
+for a lonely decade.
+
+THE EARL OF JOBURG, her son Guy, aged thirteen, who is about to go to a
+public school, where he will be kidnapped for ransom.
+
+LORD ARTHUR BOOBITRAPP, his uncle, who discusses the question of the
+school with the Duchess. Lord Arthur is in favour of Eton, as he wishes
+Guy to be a wet Bob and captain the cricket eleven; whereas the Duchess,
+having a penchant for yellow stockings, favours Christ's Hospital. In
+the end they compromise, and the boy is sent to a small private school
+in Bermondsey, where the chief usher is
+
+JOSEPH LATE, a superb creature with a wonderful personality. Joseph not
+only ushes the school but loves the Duchess with a consuming love, and a
+year after Guy has been at the school and defied all efforts to kidnap
+him he tells the Duchess of the inflamed state of his cardiac penumbra.
+No sooner has he done this than he trembles all over at the presumption
+of a poor usher thus daring to address a Duchess; but the Duchess falls
+in his arms, for beneath her aigrettes she is woman too.
+
+MR. VERTIGO applies for the post of science master at the school, and,
+having seen Late kill a man many years before and escape punishment,
+gets it. Every time you see Vertigo's name you may expect trouble.
+
+DICK BOOBITRAPP is a kidnapper and a confederate of Vertigo.
+
+DR. SAUNDERSON is a kidnapper under the guise of a writer of
+prescriptions.
+
+In spite of all precautions, such as employing only detectives as
+servants of the school, Guy is kidnapped. The Duchess and Joseph Late
+hurry to Spain to seek him, not because they know him to be there, but
+because Spain is a likely romantic country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHAPTER CCCXLVIII.
+
+"Tell me the worst," said the Duchess in strong ringing tones, all the
+mother coming out in her anguish.
+
+But the reply came in unfamiliar tones.
+
+Looking up, she observed that her usher had disappeared, and in his
+place was the detested Vertigo.
+
+_To be continued--but not here._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE GATES OF THE WEST.
+
+
+SCENE--_The New York landing pier of the Ocean Palace Line, crowded with
+passengers and their luggage from the R.M.S. "Gargantuan."_
+
+TIME--_About five and a-half hours earlier than ours._
+
+_Mr. Horace Rutherford Penfold (the last thing in novelists, surrounded
+by New York pressmen)_: "Glad to see you, boys! Delighted to see you!
+_What!_ Was I hiding from you behind my luggage? What an absolutely
+absurd idea! The whole way across I've been eagerly looking forward to
+meeting you gentlemen of the most go-ahead, most enlightened Press on
+earth! Yes, it's my first visit to your great country. The dream of my
+life is now realised. Yes, of course I'm rejoiced that my novel, _The
+Love of a Hop-Picker_, has taken its place among the 'best sellers' on
+this side. Yes, people are good enough to say I've broken quite new
+ground in making the hop-fields the scene of a novel; the critics say my
+word-pictures of the hop-poles are 'absolutely luscious'; and they
+pronounce _Ozias_, the hop-picker, 'a giant of artistic creation.' Yes,
+my novel is one of the twenty which in the last six months have been
+called 'epoch-making' and have been said to 'stand quite alone in modern
+fiction.' No doubt the hop-field will now be exploited by other writers,
+until in time it will become as hackneyed as the desert.
+
+"Yes, this is my first visit to your wonderful country. I am here to
+superintend the rehearsals of the dramatised form of _The Love of a
+Hop-Picker._ Naturally I am a little nervous, for to please a New York
+audience is the playwright's dream of heaven. And then, of course, _The
+Love of a Hop-Picker_ is not only utterly English in atmosphere, but
+also peculiarly _Kentish_. Still, with such a brilliantly intelligent,
+marvellously sympathetic public as yours, I don't despair of bringing
+the hop-poles over the footlights, so to say.
+
+"Yes, gentlemen, I have a wife, and I've not forgotten to bring her
+sworn affidavit that my coming without her is quite regular and in
+order, because, though Ellis Island's a delightful place, no doubt,
+still, I want to go into your great Empire city 'right away,' as you
+say. Here it is: 'I declare that I, Agatha Mary Rutherford Penfold, and
+my dear husband, Horace Rutherford Penfold, are a perfectly united and
+affectionate couple; that his journey to the United States is taken with
+my entire approval, and that I should have accompanied him but for being
+an extremely bad sailor and afraid of storms at sea. (Signed) AGATHA
+MARY RUTHERFORD PENFOLD. Sworn to in the presence of--' and so forth.
+Yes, certainly, gentlemen, copy it by all means.
+
+"No, I never heard of any literary talent showing itself in our family
+before. My father was interested in the retail meat industry; _his_
+father was interested in the retail bread industry; and _his_ father
+turned his attention to the making of candlesticks.
+
+"My impressions as I crossed? Well, I couldn't help remarking, ill as I
+felt, that, as we neared the shores of the New World, the waves took on
+better and more imposing shapes, the wind blew more smartly, and at
+night the stars seemed brighter and more numerous, and the clouds
+appeared to form themselves into stripes! Yes, this is my first
+experience of a zero temperature. The air is deliciously fresh: one
+seems to breathe in freedom with it. Well, perhaps I am a little cold,
+but that is because I have been waiting an hour and a-half _en queue_
+for a permit allowing me to have my luggage examined; and then, you see,
+gentlemen, I haven't the fur coat I bought specially for this visit; the
+Customs people have taken it away, and also the evening clothes I had
+made by Pond just before I left; so that I'm afraid I shan't be able to
+accept the very kind invitations I received by wireless to dine with the
+Brainy Broadway Boys to-night, and to-morrow night with the Chocktaw
+Club.
+
+"What do I think of feminine New York? Why, of course, I think her the
+prettiest, cleverest, best-dressed portion of feminine humanity, and
+with an added charm--a New Yorkiness which is absolutely indescribable.
+No, I haven't met any of her yet, my knowledge of New York being at
+present limited to this wonderful landing pier, your greatly gifted
+Customs officials, and the brilliantly intelligent subordinates of your
+world-renowned Express Company.
+
+"What do I think of Mexican affairs? Well, gentlemen, it seems to me
+that only _Mexicans_ can make themselves really at home in Mexico, and
+that other people had better not try to live there--if living is their
+object.
+
+"Yes, here is my photo and my wife's photo; my father's
+photo; my grandfather's daguerreotype; a black profile of my
+great-grandfather--certainly, gentlemen, I shall be only too pleased and
+proud to have them all reproduced in your scintillating, pulsating
+journals. So long, boys! Delighted to have met you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Distressed Mother._ "'E'S BEEN AN ORFUL TRIAL TO ME EVER
+SINCE THEM PITCHER PALACES BEGAN. FIRST 'E WAS SHOOTIN' AT THE FOWLS,
+AN' NOW 'E'S PINCHIN' MY WOOLLY MATS TER PUT ON 'IS LEGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Mirdite Melody.
+
+[The Mirdite Chief Prenk Bib Doda has joined the first Albanian
+Cabinet.]
+
+    Great is the Gaeckwar of BARODA;
+    Great too was MARCHAND at Fashoda;
+    Great is good brandy blent with soda;
+    But, as a culminating _coda_,
+    Greater by far is PRENK BIB DODA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of work for Trials at Eton:--
+
+"Acts xxi--xxvii (_not_ Ch. xxviii)."
+
+So Smith _mi._ had already guessed, but none the less the prohibition
+came as a great disappointment to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The country between the Gamana and Katsena Rivers was inhabited by
+     Zumperi pagans, who were cannibals and lived on hill
+     tops."--_Times._
+
+Thus differing from some of the inhabitants of Golders Green, who are
+vegetarians and live on turnip-tops.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE ONE.
+
+     ["Caroline Cloan clawed suddenly at Slew's eyes. But for a quick
+     movement on his part it might have been very serious. He had only
+     one eye, and could not afford to lose the sight of it."--"_Daily
+     Mirror" Serial._]
+
+    Keen are the claws of _Carrie Cloan_,
+      Rampant her mood. The eye of _Slew_
+    Is one in number; she alone,
+      Blinded by passion, makes it two.
+
+    She's out for eyes, and cannot tarry
+      To ponder arithmetic laws.
+    And what is the result? Miss _Carrie_
+      Claws _Slew_; _Slew_ slews; Miss _Carrie's_ claws
+
+    Miscarry, and the eye is his.
+      Rough on poor _Caroline_, no doubt;
+    But there--the moral of it is,
+      First count your eye, then have it out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ACT I. _"Guvnor" (dismissing office-boy)_. "YOU'VE
+NEGLECTED YOUR WORK," ETC. ETC. "THAT'S MY MOTTO AND EVIDENTLY NOT
+YOURS. TAKE A WEEK'S NOTICE."]
+
+[Illustration: ACT II. (_a week elapses_). THE OFFICE-BOY'S FAREWELL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LONDON'S LINKS WITH THE PAST.
+
+
+When I was a child I had the signal honour of being seated upon the knee
+of an old lady whose great-great-great-great-uncle once shook hands with
+a man whose grandfather remembered seeing green fields at the spot which
+is now covered by Carmelite House. How short is the history of the
+Metropolis!
+
+Everybody, of course, is aware that Professor Joff committed one of his
+notorious "howlers" when he derived "Carmelite"--in the street
+name--from "Cromwell's Heights." The latter, needless to say, must have
+been a deal nearer the South Kensington Museum than Whitefriars, famed
+for its sanctuary. CROMWELL _may_ have wandered in the meadows (if they
+still existed in his day) where the 6.30 _News_ now leaps from its
+machines every afternoon about half-past five; he may even (as Plip and
+Johnstone surmise, in their ponderous tomes, _Odd Corners in London_ and
+_More and Odder Corners in London_) have supped at the Pig and
+Mortarboard, which stood on what is now the site of the Ludgate Hill
+station booking-office (Plip, by-the-by, wrongly says not the
+booking-office, but the "book_stall_," an amazing error in one usually
+so careful). But whatever else CROMWELL did or did not do, he certainly
+never gave his name to any district further east than Knightsbridge.
+
+I flatter myself that Professor Joff's preposterous surmises were
+finally silenced by my monograph, _A Hundred Queer Things about Bouverie
+Street._ Curiously enough I wrote this with a pencil borrowed from a
+friend whose aunt once caught sight, as a girl, of a prisoner being
+taken to the Old Bailey to be tried for murder. That prisoner was the
+notorious Budgingham. And now comes the interesting part of the story.
+Budgingham, as transpired at the trial, had bigamously married the
+step-daughter of a man whose godfather's mother's cousin's
+great-grandmother remembered hearing the bells of Bow Church tolling on
+the day when Henri de Bouverie landed in England to attend the funeral
+of his niece, the beautiful Mrs. Coop.
+
+London's history is indeed crowded, though (to the antiquarian) oddly
+short in its perspective. Next week, having sketched the romantic career
+of Henri de Bouverie (concerning whom Professor Joff has made several
+incredible mistakes), I shall give a still more startling example of the
+links which lead us so abruptly to the antechambers of what we might
+have supposed to be the dim and distant past. The Metropolis, to anyone
+who appreciates historical research and can write as easily as I can, is
+a gold-mine; fortunately few pressmen realise its possibilities, and
+that of an _Index Rerum_, as I do. If, as I anticipate, this article is
+printed and paid for with the usual eagerness and a series ordered,
+nothing can stop me---- [Wait and see.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Gallery of Happy Phrases. I.
+
+     "Mr. Tooth, whose name was in everybody's mouth a generation or so
+     ago."
+
+     _Dublin Daily Express._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POINTS OF VIEW.
+
+
+If you are the sort of person who likes detail and accuracy, who can
+always tell where the north is even in a strange house (there _are_
+people like this; I met one the other day), and--this generally goes
+with it--are good at geography, you had better skip this article. It
+might annoy you. But if you like DEBUSSY, and like watching the sun
+shine through a mist, and have no bump of locality, and hate being shown
+over ruins, you are the sort of person I am, and you will sympathise
+with me.
+
+My trouble is this. Whenever I go to stay in the country I am always
+sooner or later taken a walk, generally a long one, to the highest hill
+they happen to have, and there I am shown a view. Not that I would mind
+if they left it at that, but they don't. One's host generally seems to
+have an absurd pride in some distant church, or gap in a hill "through
+which on fine days you can see the sea"; but even if he hasn't he will
+_always_--if you happen to be in the south of England--point out a patch
+of trees like a small piece of black sticking-plaster and tell you that
+that is Chanctonbury Ring. I never escape Chanctonbury Ring, though I
+have often gone far, even refused invitations, to avoid it. Once in
+Yorkshire--but nobody ever will believe that story, though I never
+pretended it was the same Ring. What I said was that there may be two of
+the same name, or even more: like Richmond, for instance.
+
+"Do you see that hill over there?" he begins. I look where he is
+pointing and see three. "No, not that one," and he comes behind me and
+points over my shoulder. "Follow my finger," he says, and I follow it
+and see a perfectly flat field. But he has to be humoured, and anyhow
+there is lunch to be thought of.
+
+"Yes, yes, _I_ see," I reply hastily, with a touch of "How stupid of
+me!" in my voice.
+
+"Well, carry your eye along the valley on its left, over the white
+house"--this is the only place where there is no white house for
+miles--"and along the strip of road. See the strip of road?" ("See the
+strip of road!" I've been lost in a bog for ages.) "Well, right up as
+far as you can see, following that road and a little to the right, do
+you see a patch of trees?"
+
+When he says "patch of trees," I know.
+
+"Chanctonbury Ring," I say brightly. At any rate, _that's_ finished.
+
+"Yes; how did you know?" he asks disappointedly.
+
+Brute that I am! Why didn't I let him say it?
+
+Only once, as far as I can remember, was I wrong. It was in the
+Cotswolds and we were in a garden, on the side of a hill. From the
+terrace outside the house was a magnificent view. My host strolled up.
+"Pity it's so misty," he said. (I had just been thinking how lovely it
+looked.) "On a fine day, you know, we can see----"
+
+"_Not_ Chanctonbury Ring?" I said pleadingly.
+
+He looked puzzled.
+
+"Tewkesbury,", he said rather coldly, and soon afterwards strolled away
+again.
+
+There are only a very few people whose sympathy one feels sure of when
+one confides troubles to them such as this Ring-finding one of mine. Of
+the very few I feel surest of my Uncle Edward, so I thought I would tell
+him about it when I went to stay with him a little while ago.
+
+"By the by," I said, as we laboured breathlessly up a hill--he lives in
+Surrey--"have you ever noticed ... when you're staying with people
+anywhere in the South of England ... and they take you for a walk ...
+they always, sooner or later----"
+
+"Just wait a minute," he said as we reached the top. "Ah yes, I thought
+you could"--he was smiling happily at something. "I wanted to show you
+before we went on--just over there----" I waited. Somehow the words
+seemed familiar. "See that dark patch right over there, on the furthest
+hill? Well, that's Chanctonbury Ring."
+
+"Yes, you can only see it on a fine day," I replied bitterly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIME'S REVENGE.
+
+     ["Professor Karl Pearson delivered a public Galton Memorial Lecture
+     at the Francis Galton Laboratory for National Eugenics, University
+     College, on "The Handicapping of the First-born." There was, he
+     showed, a tendency for the first-born child to be lighter and
+     smaller than later-born children. On the whole there was a very
+     sensible bias against the first-born."--_Morning Post._]
+
+    Pearson I sing of, eugenic and brainy,
+      Iconoclastic and fearless to dare.
+    Once I thought "eugenist" = "zany,"
+      Now I know better and raise high in air
+        Bumpers Falernian, "Looking towards you."
+        Great be the glory the future awards you,
+        You that have given the first-born a cropper,
+        Bay-leaves immortal encircle your topper;
+    Though you're a scientist, you are no dry ass--
+      I take off my hat to you, KARL, for I share
+          Your "very sensible bias."
+
+    Long were we "minors" oppressed by our "major"
+      All our lives through since we started at school;
+    His was the limelight on every stage, or
+      His was the fire side and ours was the cool;
+        He got the ease of our ancestors' acres,
+        We had to haggle with butchers and bakers,
+        We had their bills to pay--his all the money;
+        Ours was but gall to drink--his tipple honey;
+    He was the "Purbeck" and we were the "Lias."
+      So we against Primogeniture's rule
+          Held very sensible bias.
+
+    Fallen the idol, destroyed the oppressor!
+      Always we felt we were good as the rest,
+    Now from the mouth of K. PEARSON, Professor,
+      Hear we the truth that the younger are best.
+        Vanished the halo that shone round the first-born
+        Now that Eugenics proclaim him the worst born.
+        Praise, Younger Sons, our great KARL, who, new seas
+        Voyaging, found, like the old Portuguese,
+    Capes of Good Hope--our BARTHOLOMEW DIAZ.
+      Shout till the whole world hears clearly expressed
+          _Our_ very sensible bias.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Commercial Candour.
+
+From an advertisement in _The Writers' and Artists' Year Book_, 1914,
+announcing a forthcoming publication:--
+
+     "PHOTOGRAPHS FOR THE PAPERS HOW TO TAKE AND PLACE THEM
+
+     BY JOHN EVERARD
+
+     ROBABLE PRICE 1s. NET."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "As he spoke the Congress hushed its breathing, growing so still
+     that the flutter of a paper interrupted harshly."--_The Daily News._
+
+But this of course could not go on for long, and you should have heard
+it when it unhushed its breathing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "O'Gara proved the saviour of Widnes, for, gathering the ball, he
+     kicked at least half a dozen players before he booted the ball."
+
+     _Liverpool Echo._
+
+The bidding for O'GARA by the clubs of the English League, when this
+news gets about, should be sensational.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PLOT THAT FAILED.
+
+_Dear Old Lady._ "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING ON MY LAWN?"
+
+_Crafty Old Fraud._ "BLESS YER, KIND LADY! I'M THAT 'UNGRY I GOT TO EAT
+GRASS."
+
+_Dear Old Lady._ "IF YOU GO ROUND TO THE BACK YOU'LL FIND THE GRASS
+GROWS MUCH LONGER AND THICKER THERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Murders, divorces, by-elections and new insurance schemes from time to
+time occupy the most conspicuous columns of the daily Press and receive
+our deep attention, but these things occur suddenly and are soon
+forgotten. Civil war in Mexico preceded and outlives them all as a
+matter of sensation, and the psychological moment in the career of that
+other "distressful country" is interminable. How the revolutions began,
+in what manner they continue and when they are likely to end, are
+questions which agitate the minds of men when they read their morning
+papers at breakfast, their evening papers after dinner and their reviews
+over the week-end. It was obvious that some qualified student of affairs
+should forget the events of the moment, visit Mexico at whatever risk to
+himself, personally witness the internecine squabbles in progress, and,
+if he was lucky enough to survive the experience, write up the matter in
+a compact and entertaining volume for our better understanding of the
+whole. Having regard to the present condition of the country as I now
+understand it, I should say there was no rush of applications for the
+job; certainly if my Editor should ask me to go out there and test the
+accuracy of Mr. H. HAMILTON FYFE'S observations, as expressed in _The
+Real Mexico: a Study on the Spot_ (HEINEMANN), I should at once discover
+an important engagement to prevent my accepting his kind invitation. Mr.
+FYFE'S narrative is, however, too graphic and his description too real
+to admit of doubt; I am glad that there was no competition and his
+subject has been left to be dealt with by the best man for the purpose.
+Given the title of the book and the name of the author, there is no more
+need of recommendation to the English public; but I beg Messrs. WILSON
+and BRYAN (of the U.S.A.) to read, mark, learn and, if their physique is
+capable of the feat, inwardly digest it. They should know, in glaring
+detail, the ills general and individual resulting from what the American
+resident in Mexico calls their "grape-juice" policy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Four imprisonments of varying lengths, one of them including forcible
+feeding, presumably give Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON a right to record her
+experiences, and the chronicle she presents in _Prisons and Prisoners_
+(HEINEMANN) is telling through its very simplicity and directness. Such
+a tale would be hardly likely to prove other than "an indictment of our
+existing prison system" (as orators have it); but Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON
+is careful to punctiliousness in her recognition of the kindness and
+natural sympathy of many of the officials, even while she condemns the
+rules and regulations which tend to cramp and stifle the gentler side of
+human nature. Still, our prison system has had to stand a good deal of
+attack before this. We should most of us be thankful to change it if we
+knew how, and I need never despise hints in this direction. The interest
+of the book, however, is by far the greatest when it is regarded as a
+running commentary on the modern feminist movement. It is impossible to
+read such a book seriously without feeling a strong admiration for the
+courage, self-sacrifice and resolution it reflects, and at the same time
+a quite appalling sense of waste. When a way has been found to apply to
+the needs of our bewildered country the powers of such women as form the
+heroines of Lady CONSTANCE LYTTON'S book, I for one shall not be
+surprised if things begin to happen. But at present the results that
+they have achieved, even upon their own showing and apart from all
+criticism of methods, seem quite incommensurate with the amount of
+trouble and pain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Custody of the Child_ (HUTCHINSON) Mr. PHILIP GIBBS has chosen a
+difficult theme--the story of a broken home, told from the child's point
+of view, and he has handled it like an artist. Of the three books into
+which this biography of _Nicholas Barton_ is divided, the first is so
+much the best that the second seems a little tame. This was, of course,
+inevitable, for the first book is the thunderstorm, the second the
+gentle rain which follows it. I have another reason for deriving
+particular pleasure from the opening book, and that is that the scene is
+laid in a Battersea Park flat. I have long since marked down Battersea
+as one of London's most romantic neighbourhoods. To a child, the
+curiously mingled intimacy and exclusiveness of life among the
+cliff-dwellers of that long road facing the Park, where you drop your
+toys out of your front garden (which house-agents call a balcony) and
+see them impounded as legitimate gifts that have dropped from Heaven by
+a perfect stranger in the front garden of the ground-floor flat, must be
+a perpetual wonder. Mr. GIBBS has brought this out so persuasively that
+I have shaken hands with him after each sentence. There is not an
+incident in Book I. that is not exactly right. The rest of the story,
+with its courageous avoidance of unmitigated happiness in the ending,
+never fails to arrest, unless for a moment or so in the middle; but for
+me at least the real charm of the volume lies in Book I.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Let us try to avoid the detestable trick of sentimentality when dealing
+with this beloved, presuming, gallant, unhappy man." So Mrs. EVAN NEPEAN
+adjures us and herself; and it must be confessed that the warning was
+needed. For the man was JAMES, Duke of MONMOUTH, a study of whom she has
+written under the title of _On the Left of a Throne_ (LANE); and of all
+the Stuarts he is the one about whom it is most difficult to avoid being
+sentimental. Mrs. NEPEAN has perhaps just succeeded, but only just; and
+we will agree, therefore, to call her style vividly enthusiastic. She is
+quite frankly in love with MONMOUTH throughout. That wonderful,
+dangerous beauty fascinates her; and who, looking at the delightful
+portraits with which the book abounds, is going to blame her or anyone
+else for yielding to its charm? One fortunate result of this attitude is
+that the Fairy Prince of the seventeenth century lives again in the pages
+of this fervent admirer as he would never have lived in those of a
+colder historian. Dancing, riding, hunting, raking and fighting, we are
+bound to feel about him much as old PEPYS did, who called him, in a
+memorable and picturesque phrase, "skittish and leaping," and, for all
+his righteous disapproval, admired with the best. "How he would have
+loved flying!" is Mrs. NEPEAN'S very characteristic comment upon a
+record of her hero's graceful activities. For one thing especially does
+the writer of this study deserve gratitude. She dwells purposely as
+little as possible upon the details of the rebellion; but she has made
+it her duty to win back for MONMOUTH some of the credit for personal
+courage of which popular history has been too ready to deprive him. Here
+you may read how, after the short agony of nerves was over, he faced
+death with a placid and untheatrical bravery, than which the long
+records of the scaffold show nothing finer. It is a profoundly moving
+end to a fascinating story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+THE MAN WHO TAKES IMPRESSIONS OF THE FOOTPRINTS OF FAMOUS AUTHORS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After reading _Two Women_ (METHUEN) I hope to avoid "girl bachelors" for
+a very long time. They are, Mr. MAX PEMBERTON says, curious products of
+the century, and I am not disposed to contradict him. In _Gertrude
+Wynne's_ flat, "Debussy's music was open upon a miniature grand, and a
+volume of Anatola France stood upon the marquetry table near the
+fireplace"; but in _Doris Holt's_ room "an open piano had a song from a
+revue upon it, while a translation of one of Paul de Koch's novels lay
+upon the window-seat." That ought to give the key to their characters,
+but if it does not, let me boldly add that _Gertrude_ was clever and
+sedate, while _Doris_ was a queen of minxes. _Doris_, indeed, got
+herself into a pretty mess with a vulgar philanderer called _Lord
+Raymore_, and was justly punished by marrying him. This _Raymore_ man
+despised politics, but all the same he had made up his mind to "win a
+place in the Tory Cabinet, and to pose there as the new Disraeli," which
+makes me think that Mr. PEMBERTON is occasionally funnier than he means
+to be. Not until we get away from the girl bachelors and are off on a
+spying expedition to Germany with _Captain Ainsworth_ does the story
+grip. Then, however, things begin to happen, and the flight from the
+German fortress, in which _Ainsworth_ had been imprisoned, is really
+thrilling. In his next book I hope Mr. PEMBERTON will leave "curious
+products" alone and let us have an extra dose of adventure to make up
+for the meagre allowance contained in _Two Women_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is far more important to have the right style in the country
+     than in town. Men don't want their women to wear something that
+     will frighten the birds away. Nothing cheap or badly cut ought ever
+     to be worn in the country."
+
+     _Vanity Fair and Hearth & Home._
+
+_The birds_: "We really cannot stay to be shot to-day, the women are
+wearing such cheap clothes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Close of an essay by a small girl on CHARLES I.:--"Had Charles the First
+been more strong minded and sincere, he would have been a better king;
+as it was, he was more suited for a clergyman."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, March 25, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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