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+Project Gutenberg's Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, July 1, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 18, 2008 [EBook #24357]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Hagay Giller, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 147.
+
+
+
+July 1, 1914.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROGRESS.
+
+["Giving evidence recently before a Select Committee of the House of
+Commons, Miss C. E. Collet, of the Home Office, said the commercial
+laundry was killing the small hand laundry."--_Evening News._]
+
+  The little crafts! How soon they die!
+    In cottage doors no shuttle clicks;
+  The hand-loom has been ousted by
+    A large concern with lots more sticks.
+
+  The throb of pistons beats around;
+    Great chimneys rise on Thames's banks;
+  The same phenomena are found
+    In Sheffield. (Yorks) and Oldham (Lancs).
+
+  No longer now the housewife makes
+    Her rare preserves, for what's the good?
+  The factory round the corner fakes
+    Raspberry jam with chips of wood.
+
+  'Tis so with what we eat and wear,
+    Our bread, the boots wherein we splosh
+  'Tis so with what I deemed most fair,
+    Most virginal of all--the Wash.
+
+  'Tis this that chiefly, when I chant,
+    Fulfils my breast with sighs of ruth,
+  To think that engines can supplant
+    The Amazons I loved in youth.
+
+  That not with tender care, as erst
+    By spinster females fancy-free,
+  These button-holes of mine get burst
+    Before the shift comes back to me;
+
+  That mere machines, and not a maid
+    With fingers fatuously plied,
+  The collars and the cuffs have frayed
+    That still excoriate my hide;
+
+  That steam reduces to such states
+    What once was marred by human skill;
+  That socks are sundered from their mates
+    By means of an electric mill;
+
+  That not by Cupid's coy advance
+    (Some crone conniving at the fraud),
+  But simply by mechanic chance,
+    I get this handkerchief marked "Maud."
+
+  This is, indeed, a striking change;
+    I sometimes wonder if the world
+  Gets better as the skies grow strange
+    With coils of smoke about them curled.
+
+  If the old days were not the best
+    Ere printed formulas conveyed
+  Sorrow about that silken vest
+    For all eternity mislaid;
+
+  Ere yet the unwieldy motor-van
+    Came clattering round the kerbstone's brink,
+  Its driver dreaming some new plan
+    To make my mauve pyjamas shrink.
+
+Evoe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENCHANTED CASTLE.
+
+There are warm days in London when even a window-box fails to charm, and
+one longs for the more open spaces of the country. Besides, one wants to
+see how the other flowers are getting on. It is on these days that we
+travel to our Castle of Stopes; as the crow flies, fifteen miles away.
+Indeed, that is the way we get to it, for it is a castle in the air. And
+when we are come to it Celia is always in a pink sun-bonnet gathering
+roses lovingly, and I, not very far off, am speaking strongly to
+somebody or other about something I want done. By-and-by I shall go into
+the library and work ... with an occasional glance through the open
+window at Celia.
+
+To think that a month ago we were quite happy with a few pink geraniums!
+
+Sunday, a month ago, was hot. "Let's take train somewhere," said Celia,
+"and have lunch under a hedge."
+
+"I know a lovely place for hedges," I said.
+
+"I know a lovely tin of potted grouse," said Celia, and she went off to
+cut some sandwiches. By twelve o'clock we were getting out of the train.
+
+The first thing we came to was a golf course, and Celia had to drag me
+past it. Then we came to a wood, and I had to drag her through it.
+Another mile along a lane, and then we both stopped together.
+
+"Oh!" we said.
+
+It was a cottage, the cottage of a dream. And by a cottage I mean, not
+four plain rooms and a kitchen, but one surprising room opening into
+another; rooms all on different levels and of different shapes, with
+delightful places to bump your head on; open fireplaces; a large square
+hall, oak-beamed, where your guests can hang about after breakfast,
+while deciding whether to play golf or sit in the garden. Yet all so
+cunningly disposed that from outside it looks only a cottage or, at
+most, two cottages persuaded into one.
+
+And, of course, we only saw it from outside. The little drive,
+determined to get there as soon as possible, pushed its way straight
+through an old barn, and arrived at the door simultaneously with the
+flagged lavender walk for the humble who came on foot. The rhododendrons
+were ablaze beneath the south windows; a little orchard was running wild
+on the west; there was a hint at the back of a clean-cut lawn. Also, you
+remember, there was a golf course, less than two miles away.
+
+"Oh," said Celia with a deep sigh, "but we must live here."
+
+An Irish terrier ran out to inspect us. I bent down and patted it. "With
+a dog," I added.
+
+"Isn't it all lovely? I wonder who it belongs to, and if----"
+
+"If he'd like to give it to us."
+
+"Perhaps he would if he saw us and admired us very much," said Celia
+hopefully.
+
+"I don't think Mr. Barlow is that sort of man," I said. "An excellent
+fellow, but not one to take these sudden fancies."
+
+"Mr. Barlow? How do you know his name?"
+
+"I have these surprising intuitions," I said modestly. "The way the
+chimneys stand up----"
+
+"I know," cried Celia. "The dog's collar."
+
+"Right, Watson. And the name of the house is Stopes."
+
+She repeated it to herself with a frown.
+
+"What a disappointing name," she said. "Just Stopes."
+
+"Stopes," I said. "Stopes, Stopes. If you keep on saying it, a certain
+old-world charm seems to gather round it. Stopes."
+
+"Stopes," said Celia. "It _is_ rather jolly."
+
+We said it ten more times each, and it seemed the only possible name for
+it. Stopes--of course.
+
+"Well?" I asked.
+
+"We must write to Mr. Barlow," said Celia decisively. "'Dear Mr. Barlow,
+er----Dear Mr. Barlow,----we----' Yes, it will be rather difficult. What
+do we want to say exactly?"
+
+"'Dear Mr. Barlow,--May we have your house?'"
+
+"Yes," smiled Celia, "but I'm afraid we can hardly ask for it. But we
+might rent it when--when he doesn't want it any more."
+
+"'Dear Mr. Barlow,'" I amended, "'have you any idea when you're! going
+to die?' No, that wouldn't do either. And there's another thing--we
+don't know his initials, or even if he's a 'Mr.' Perhaps he's a knight
+or a--a duke. Think how offended Duke Barlow would be if we put '----
+Barlow, Esq.' on the envelope."
+
+"We could telegraph. 'Barlow. After you with Stopes.'"
+
+"Perhaps there's a young Barlow, a Barlowette or two with expectations.
+It may have been in the family for years."
+
+"Then we----Oh, let's have lunch." She sat down and began to undo the
+sandwiches. "Dear o' Stopes," she said with her mouth full.
+
+We lunched outside Stopes. Surely if Earl Barlow had seen us he would
+have asked us in. But no doubt his dining-room looked the other way;
+towards the east and north, as I pointed out to Celia, thus being
+pleasantly cool at lunch-time.
+
+"Ha, Barlow," I said dramatically, "a time will come when _we_ shall be
+lunching in there, and _you_----bah!" And I tossed a potted-grouse
+sandwich to his dog.
+
+However, that didn't get us any nearer.
+
+"Will you _promise_," said Celia, "that we shall have lunch in there one
+day?"
+
+"I promise," I said readily. That gave me about sixty years to do
+something in.
+
+"I'm like--who was it who saw something of another man's and wouldn't be
+happy till he got it?"
+
+"The baby in the soap advertisement."
+
+"No, no, some king in history."
+
+"I believe you are thinking of Ahab, but you aren't a bit like him,
+really. Besides, we're not coveting Stopes. All we want to know is, does
+Barlow ever let it in the summer?"
+
+"That's it," said Celia eagerly.
+
+"And, if so," I went on, "will he lend us the money to pay the rent
+with?"
+
+"Er--yes," said Celia. "That's it."
+
+
+So for a month we have lived in our Castle of Stopes. I see Celia there
+in her pink sun-bonnet, gathering the flowers lovingly, bringing an
+armful of them into the hall, disturbing me sometimes in the library
+with "_Aren't_ they beauties? No, I only just looked in--good luck to
+you." And she sees me ordering a man about importantly, or waving my
+hand to her as I ride through the old barn on my road to the
+golf-course.
+
+But this morning she had an idea.
+
+"Suppose," she said timidly, "you _wrote_ about Stopes, and Mr. Barlow;
+happened to see it, and knew how much we wanted it, and----"
+
+"Well?"
+
+"Then," said Celia firmly, "if he were a gentleman he would give it to
+us."
+
+Very well. Now we shall see if Mr. Barlow is a gentleman.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Correspondence.
+
+"Equal Rights" writes:--
+
+    "Dear Sir,--Why are descriptive names confined to boxers, such
+    as Bombardier Wells and Gunboat Smith? Why not Rifleman Redmond,
+    Airman Churchill, Solicitor George, Golfer Asquith, Bushman
+    Wilding, Trundler Hitch, Dude Alexander, Bandsman Beecham,
+    Hunger-Striker Pankhurst? Or, to take Editors----"
+
+[The rest of this communication is omitted owing to considerations of
+space.--Ed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN THE SHIPS COME HOME.
+
+[Illustration: Greece. "ISN'T IT TIME WE STARTED FIGHTING AGAIN?"
+
+Turkey. "YES, I DARESAY. HOW SOON COULD YOU BEGIN?"
+
+Greece. "OH, IN A FEW WEEKS."
+
+Turkey. "NO GOOD FOR ME. SHAN'T BE READY TILL THE AUTUMN".]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "We're giving our pastor a new drawing-room carpet on the
+occasion on his jubilee. Show me something that looks nice but isn't too
+expensive."
+
+"Here is the very thing, Madame--real Kidderminister."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGYPT IN VENICE.
+
+"_La Légende de Joseph._"
+
+Those who know the kind of attractions that the Russian ballet offers in
+so many of its themes could have easily guessed, without previous
+enlightenment, what episode in the life of Joseph had been selected for
+illustration last week at Drury Lane. But they could never have guessed
+that Herr Tiessen, author of a shilling guide to the intentions of the
+composer, would attach a transcendental significance to the conduct of
+_Potiphar's Wife_. "Through the unknown divine," he informs us, "which
+is still new and mysterious to her, an imperious desire awakens in her
+to fathom, to possess this world"--the world, that is to say, which
+_Joseph's_ imagination creates in the course of an exhibition dance. If
+this is so, I can only say that her behaviour is strangely misleading.
+
+The scene opens at a party given by _Potiphar_ in Venice. Venice, of
+course, was not _Potiphar's_ home address; and I marvel a little at the
+change of _venue_ when I think how much more harmony could have been got
+out of an Egyptian setting. But then I remind myself that the Russian
+ballet is nothing if not _bizarre_. The long banqueting-table recalls
+the canvases of Veronese, but with discordant notes of the Orient and
+elsewhere. _Potiphar_ himself, seated on a dais, has the air of an
+Assyrian bull. By his side _Mme. Potiphar_ wears breeches ending above
+the knee, with white stockings and high clogs.
+
+For the entertainment of the guests there was a dance of nuptial
+unveiling and a bout between half-a-dozen Turkish boxers. But it was a
+decadent and _blazé_ company, and something more piquant was needed for
+their titillation. This was supplied in the shape of an original dance
+by the fifteen-year-old _Joseph_, whom my guide describes as "graceful,
+wild and pungent." He was introduced in a recumbent posture, and asleep,
+on a covered stretcher, and at first I had the clever idea that he was
+the customary corpse that appeared at Egyptian feasts to remind the
+company of their liability to die. But when he woke up and began to
+dance I saw at once that I was wrong.
+
+I now know all about the interpretation of _Joseph's_ dance; but I defy
+anyone to say at sight and without a showman's assistance what precisely
+he was after. In the Third Figure (according to my guide-book) "there is
+in his leaps a feeling of heaviness, as if he were bound to earth, and
+he stumbles once or twice as one who has missed his goal;" but how was I
+to guess that this signified that his "searching after God" was still
+ineffectual? or that when in the Fourth Figure he "leaps with light
+feet" this meant that "Joseph has found God"? I don't blame the boy for
+not knowing the rule that forbids one art to trespass on the domain of
+another; but there is no excuse for Herr Strauss, who must have been
+well aware that, for the conveyance of any but the most obvious
+emotions, mute dancing can never be a satisfactory substitute for
+articulate poetry.
+
+However, _Potiphar's_ guests seemed better instructed than I was, for
+they threw off their apathy and took quite an intelligent interest in
+_Joseph's_ _pas seul_. Indeed, one young man (the episode escaped me at
+the dress rehearsal, but I have it in the guide-book)--one young man,
+"sobbing, buries his head in his hands, upsetting thereby a dish of
+fruit." As for _Potiphar_, it failed to stir the sombre depths of his
+abysmal boredom, but his wife, whose ennui had hitherto been of the most
+profound, began to sit up and take notice, and at the end of the dance
+she sent for _Joseph_ and supplemented his rather exiguous costume with
+a gross necklace of jewels, letting her hand linger awhile on his bare
+neck. Already, it will be seen, she was intrigued with the "unknown
+divine." _Joseph_, on the contrary, received her attentions without
+_empressement_.
+
+In the next scene--after a rather woolly and unintelligible
+interlude--we see _Joseph_ retiring to his couch in an alcove behind the
+place where the banqueting-table had been. You will judge how urgent was
+the lady's keenness to probe the mysteries of his divine nature when I
+tell you that she could not wait till the morning to pursue her
+enquiries, but must needs visit him in his chamber at dead of night, and
+wearing the one garment of the hour. At first, still half dreaming, he
+mistakes her for an angel (he had already seen one in his sleep), but
+subsequently, growing suspicious, he repels her with a dignified
+disdain. For I must tell you that, whatever the guide-book may allege
+about the loftiness of her designs, the music gave her away. It
+reverted, in fact, to the motive of those passages which had already
+accompanied and illustrated the nuptial dance, the dance (as Herr
+Tiessen calls it) of "burning Love-longing."
+
+At this juncture, _Potiphar_ and his minions break upon the scene. His
+wife, after denouncing _Joseph_, is distracted between passion of hatred
+and passion of love, and there is some play (reminding one of
+_L'Après-midi d'un Faune_) with the purple cloak which _Joseph_ had
+discarded. Presently she eludes her dilemma by fainting.
+
+Meanwhile it has been the work of a moment to order up a brazier, a pair
+of pincers, a poker, a headsman and an axe. The instruments of torture
+waste no time in getting red-hot; and we anticipate the worst. _Joseph_,
+however, who has ignored these preparations and maintained an attitude
+of superbly indifferent aloofness, suddenly becomes luminous under great
+pressure of limelight; and most of the cast, including a ballet of
+female dervishes, are abashed to the ground.
+
+Now appears, on the open-work entresol at the back of the stage, an
+archangel. The guide-book is in error where it says that he glides
+downwards on a shaft of light radiating from a star. As a matter of fact
+he walks down the main staircase to the ground floor. Approaching
+_Joseph_ he takes him by the hand and "leads him heavenwards" by the
+same flight of steps; and we are to understand that, in the opinion of
+Herr Strauss, the boy's subsequent career, as recorded in the Hebraic
+Scriptures, may be treated as negligible.
+
+I should like, in excuse of my own flippancy, to assume the same
+detachment, and to regard this ballet-theme as having practically no
+relation whatever to Biblical history, but being just one of many themes
+out of Oriental lore, mostly secular, that lend themselves to the drama
+of disappointed passion. My only serious protest is against the
+hypocrisy which pretends, with regard to _Potiphar's Wife_, to see a
+spiritual significance in what is mere vulgar animalism.
+
+I ought, by the way, to have said that, in a spasm of chagrin, she
+chokes herself with the pearl necklace which lent the only touch of
+superfluity to her night attire, and was carried out--but not up the
+main staircase. Thus ends this sordid tragedy that so well illustrates
+that quality in Herr Strauss to which my guide refers when he speaks of
+his realization of a "poignant longing for divine cheerfulness."
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Excuse me, Sir, but would you like to buy a nice little
+dawg?"
+
+"No, thanks very much. He looks as though he would bite."
+
+"'E won't bite yer _if you buy 'im_, Guv'ner."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENIGMA.
+
+    My love to me is cold,
+  And no more seeks my gaze; I wonder why!
+  The smile of welcome that I loved of old
+    No longer lights her eye.
+
+    One little week ago
+  I asked no surer guide than Cupid's chart;
+  I said, "Your eyes reveal the depths below,
+    And I can read your heart."
+
+    She let her shy gaze fall,
+  And smiling asked, "Is then my face a screed,
+  My brow an open love-letter, where all
+    The world my thoughts may read?"
+
+    Said I, "The world, I'll vow,
+  Is blind! Myself alone may see the signs,
+  And know the message written on your brow:
+    I read between the lines."
+
+    My dear to me is cold;
+  Gone somewhere is the love-light from her eye;
+  And, when our ways meet, stately she doth hold
+    Her course. I wonder why.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Curiously, the Australian Minister of Defence in the last
+    Parliament bore the same name as the Prime Minister in that
+    which has just been dissolved."
+
+    _Westminster Gazette._
+
+A similar curious coincidence happened in England, the War Minister in
+the last Parliament bearing the same name as the present Lord
+Chancellor.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MEN FOR THE ANTARCTIC.
+
+    105 Canadian Dogs to go with Sir E. Shackleton."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+A gay lot, these Canadians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SCANDALMONGRIAN ROMANCE.
+
+(_By Francis Scribble._)
+
+[_The following article, specially written for us by the Author of "Ten
+Frail Beauties of the Restoration," "Tales Told by a Royal Washerwoman,"
+etc., is another important contribution to the literature of the Royal
+Dirty-Linen Bag._]
+
+A day or two ago a short notice in the papers told of the death of Mrs.
+Maria Tubbs at Cannes; but few, if any, of those who read that brief
+announcement will have recognised in it the close of one of the most
+amazing careers of the nineteenth century. Yet little surprise need be
+expressed at this general ignorance, for who would think to find under
+that somewhat common-place name the ravishingly beautiful Maria
+Cotherstone, who, forty years ago, was swept by Fate into the track of
+the late King of Scandalmongria, and well-nigh caused that singularly
+unstable bark to founder? It is with the kindly object of rescuing her
+romance from oblivion that this brief chronicle is written.
+
+In 1873 the Scandalmongrian Minister in London was requested to find an
+English lady to take charge of the two children of his Royal master,
+and, after searching enquiries, he was successful, and Miss Maria
+Cotherstone turned her back on England never more to return. She was
+just twenty-two, fresh and blooming, possessed of the gayest of spirits,
+delightful manners and the highest accomplishments. Quietly she assumed
+control of the Royal schoolroom, and by her charm no less than by her
+firmness she quickly won the respect and love of her charges. Well had
+it been for her memory if her influence had never spread beyond the
+walls of her schoolroom; this article had then been unwritten. But alas
+for human nature! One day His Majesty's eyes fell upon the person of his
+children's governess, and then began one of the most sordid intrigues it
+has ever been my pleasure to recall. [A large statement, as readers of
+our author's _Gleanings from a Royal Dustbin_ will readily acknowledge.
+However, the succeeding three-quarter of a column of details, here
+omitted, prove that there is at least some foundation for the remark.]
+
+... And so their romance ended, and His Majesty returned to the bosom of
+his family and became once more the righteous upholder of the sanctity
+of the marriage tie. At first his easy-going Court smiled somewhat at
+the claim; but, when one or two highly-placed officials presumed to
+follow in the footsteps of their Sovereign, and were in consequence
+banished irrevocably from his presence, Scandalmongrian Society realised
+with a pained surprise that what is venial in a monarch may, in a
+subject, be a damnable offence.
+
+And what of Maria, the charming, fascinating, much injured Maria? For
+several years she is lost, and then we hear of her marriage at Rome to
+"John Tubbs, Esq., of London," and once again she vanishes, only to turn
+up many years later at Cannes. She is a widow now, and a model of all
+the virtues. Who so staid and respectable as Madam? Who so charitable to
+the poor? Few, it is to be feared, will have recognised in that handsome
+old lady, so regular in her attendance at the services of the English
+Church, the beauteous Maria Cotherstone whose name was once on the lips
+of everybody from one end of Europe to the other. It nearly happened,
+indeed, that she went down to her grave with all her scandalous,
+feverish past forgotten, leaving behind her only the fragrant memory of
+her later life. But I have saved her. It is a queer story, quite
+interesting enough to recall.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN.
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "That's a nicely-made dress you have on,
+Jane. It's like the new parlourmaid's, isn't it?"
+
+_Jane (a close student of the fashion catalogues)._ "Oh no, Ma'am,
+_this_ is _quite_ a different creation."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It is not only misfortune that makes strange bedfellows. Both Earl
+Beauchamp and Sir Joseph Beecham appear in the recent Honours List.
+
+       ***
+
+By-the-by, it is denied that Sir Joseph Beecham was in any way
+responsible for the Government's "Pills for Earthquakes," by which it
+was hoped to avert the Irish crisis.
+
+       ***
+
+A New York cable announces that the Duke of Manchester is interesting
+himself in a cinematograph proposition of a philanthropic nature, and
+that the company will be known as the "Church and School Social Service
+Corporation for the Advancement of Moral and Religious Education and
+Social Uplift Work through the medium of the Higher Art of the Moving
+Picture." It will of course be possible for the man in a hurry to call
+it, _tout court_, the
+"C.&S.S.S.C.F.T.A.O.M.&R.E.&S.U.W.T.T.M.O.T.H.A.O.T.M.P."
+
+       ***
+
+The penny off the income tax came just in time. It enabled several
+Liberal plutocrats to buy a rose on Alexandra Day.
+
+       ***
+
+The balance-sheet of the German Company which had been running a
+Zeppelin airship passenger service has just been issued, and shows a
+loss of £10,000 on the year's working. This is not surprising, the
+difficulty which all aircraft experience to keep their balance.
+
+       ***
+
+At the launch of the liner _Bismarck_ last week, the bottle of
+wine--which was thrown by the Countess Hannah von Bismarck missed the
+vessel, whereupon the Kaiser hauled back the bottle, and with his
+proverbial good luck hit the target.
+
+       ***
+
+Five shots were fired last week at Baron Henri de Rothschild. At first
+it was thought that this was done to stop the author of _Croesus_ from
+writing more plays, but, when it transpired that the assailant was a man
+who objected to the "Rothschild Cheap Milk Supply," public sympathy
+veered round in favour of the Baron.
+
+       ***
+
+Messrs. Selfridge and Co. were last week defrauded by a well-dressed
+man, who obtained two dressing-bags with silver fittings by means of a
+trick without paying for them. This is really abominable. It is bad
+enough when merely commercial firms are victimised: to best a
+philanthropic institution in this way is peculiarly base.
+
+       ***
+
+"Mexican Rebel Split."
+
+_Morning Post._
+
+Now perhaps the other civilised Powers will intervene. We have heard of
+many inhumanities marking the war in Mexico, but this treatment of a
+rebel is surely the limit.
+
+       ***
+
+It is not often, we imagine, that the British Navy is used to enforce a
+change of diet. H.M.S. _Torch_ has just been ordered on a punitive
+expedition to Malekula Island, where certain of the natives have been
+eating some of their compatriots.
+
+       ***
+
+An American woman, according to _The Express_, has a serious complaint
+about the London policeman. She declares that she walked all the way
+from Queen's Hall to Piccadilly Circus with three buttons of her blouse
+undone at the back, and "not a single policeman" offered to do it up for
+her. No doubt the Force was reluctant to interfere with what might turn
+out to be the latest fashion. A Boy Scout who offered, the other day, to
+sew up a split skirt got his ears soundly boxed.
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile the glad tidings reach us that women's skirts and bodices are
+to fasten in front instead of at the back. Husbands all over the world
+who have on occasions been pressed into their wives' service as maids,
+only to learn that they were clumsy boobies, would like to have the name
+of the arbiter of fashion who is responsible for this innovation, as
+there is some thought of erecting a statue to him.
+
+       ***
+
+Some distinguished German professors have been discussing the question
+of the best place in which to keep a baby in summer. It is
+characteristic, however, of these unpractical persons that not one of
+them suggests the obvious ice-safe.
+
+       ***
+
+"One of the first things the rich should learn," says Dean Inge, "is
+that money is not put to the best use when it is merely spent on
+enjoyment." It is hoped that this pronouncement may lead wealthy people
+to patronise our concert-halls more than they do.
+
+       ***
+
+"£1,600," a newspaper tells us, "were found hidden in the cork leg of
+Harry C. Wise while he was undergoing treatment in a hospital at
+Denver." And now, we suspect, Harry's friends will always be pulling his
+leg.
+
+       ***
+
+"Have you seen _Pelleas and Mélisande_?"
+
+"No. Is it as funny as _Potash and Perlmutter_?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COLLECTORS.
+
+My dinner partner was a self-made man and not ashamed of it.
+
+"Do you take an interest in china, ma'am?" he asked me.
+
+I felt that if I said "Yes" I should have to buy some. So I said "No,"
+but he didn't wait to hear what I said.
+
+"I think I may say," he continued, "that I have the finest collection of
+old Dresden china in London."
+
+He went into the figures, explaining the cost price and the difficulty
+of storage.
+
+"Oh," said I, "if you find it a nuisance, I've a parlour-maid I could
+recommend to you; just the girl to help you to get rid of it."
+
+At this point I think he had some idea of having the finest collection
+of parlourmaids in Middlesex, but he made it small dogs instead. Was I
+interested in these? No, but I supposed I'd have to be if he insisted.
+
+"I don't think I should be far wrong," he began, but I hustled him
+through to the end of his sentence.
+
+"Finest collection in--?" I asked.
+
+"England," he said.
+
+He went over their points, and in an expansive moment I marvelled. This
+was imprudent, as it caused him to search his mind for some further
+spectacular triumph wherewith to amaze and delight.
+
+"That," he said, looking up the table, "is my wife."
+
+"Marvellous," said I.
+
+He took this in the best part. "You refer to her diamonds?" he said.
+
+"Did I?" said I.
+
+"The finest collection in Great Britain," he declared, and spread
+himself over the subject.
+
+Later, in a mood of concession, he inquired as to my specialities. I had
+none, at least none that I could think of. Determined to extract
+something noteworthy, he questioned me on every possibility. Was I not
+married? That was so, I agreed, but then so many women are.
+
+"You have sons, ma'am?" he persisted, with that implacable optimism to
+which, among other things, he no doubt owed his success in the world.
+
+I thought of Baby. "Ah yes, of course," I said. "The finest collection
+in Europe."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'In Norway,' she says, 'we do not eat one-third the quantity
+    that the English eat; our meals are simpler and shorter. I
+    believe that this is the cause of the enormous amount of
+    indigestion that is suffered by the English.'"
+
+    _Daily News and Leader._
+
+So our doctor, who attributed our indigestion to lobster mayonnaise, was
+wrong again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KINDNESS TO SUBJECTS.
+
+[One of our illustrated papers recently published a picture of the King
+of Spain in a motor-car which had broken down. The car was being pushed
+along by some helpful people, and the comment on the picture was, "It is
+these thoughtful little acts that make royalty so popular nowadays."
+Lest it should be thought that the other potentates of Europe take less
+trouble to make themselves beloved by their subjects, we hasten to give
+a few instances which have come to our notice.]
+
+[Illustration: Last week the King of Cadonia had his hat blown off in
+the Blümengarten (the beautiful park near the Royal Palace). This kindly
+act should deepen the affection in which the monarch is held by his
+People.]
+
+[Illustration: A few days ago the Crown Prince of Schlossrattenheim had
+an accident with his aeroplane, which overturned near Schutzmeer.
+Fortunately his Royal Highness fell on a retired Wuerst-haendler who was
+walking on the beach.
+
+The Crown Prince's devotion to his beloved subjects is well known, and
+this tactful deed was only another instance of it.]
+
+[Illustration: Yesterday Prince John of Pumpenhosen inadvertently
+collided with a pleasure-yacht at the mouth the harbour of Krebs while
+trying a new motor boat. All the passengers were saved and the Prince
+showed no signs of fear.
+
+This should enhance his great popularity, if such a thing were
+possible.]
+
+[Illustration: King Stephan III. of Servilia, while playing on the links
+at Nibliksk last week, Initiated one of his equerries into the humour of
+the game. By this thoughtful act his Majesty adds to the deserved love
+and reverence in which he is held by the Servilians of all classes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Alan_ (_to his mother, who is busy with a heavy
+house-cleaning_). "Please, Mother, read me a story."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKERS.
+
+  There were eight pretty walkers who went up a hill;
+  They were Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,
+  And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,
+            And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They were all in good training and all of them keen,
+  And their chief wore a coat and a waistcoat of green;
+  He was always a proud man and kept himself clean,
+  Did Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They intended to lunch when they got to the top
+  On a sandwich apiece and a biscuit and chop.
+  The provisions were carefully bought in a shop
+            By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They were jesters of merit--the sort who can poke
+  Funny tales in your ribs till you splutter and choke;
+  But the best of the lot at a jibe or a joke
+            Was Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  It was ten of the clock when the walking began,
+  And they started with Tumbledown Bill in the van;
+  And the rear was brought up by that excellent man,
+            By Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They went off at a pace I am bound to deplore,
+  For they did twenty yards in a minute or more
+  And a yard or two over, a capital score
+            For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  They had all that pedestrians fairly can ask:
+  Smooth roads, sunny weather and beer in a cask,
+  And a friend who could teach them to stick to their task,
+            Viz.: Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  Yet I somehow suppose that they hadn't the knack,
+  For in spite of it all they have never come back,
+  And I own that the future looks dismally black
+            For Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+  Now the walkers who seem to be stuck on the hill,
+  They are Jessamine, Joseph and Japhet and Jill,
+  And Allie and Sally and Tumbledown Bill,
+            And Farnaby Fullerton Rigby.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+King Peter of Servia.
+
+(From _The Daily Mirror_.)
+
+    "The proclamation, however, as given in a later message, reads
+    thus:--To My Beloved People: As I shall be prevented by illness
+    from exercising my royal power for some time, I order, by
+    Article 69 of the Constitution, that so long as my cure lasts
+    the Crown Prince Alexander shall govern in my name. On this
+    occasion I recommend my dear fatherland to the care of the
+    Almighty.
+
+    (Signed) Peter."
+
+"On this occasion" is perhaps a little invidious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two consecutive books in _The Western Daily Press_ list of publications
+received:--
+
+"Ring Strategy and Tactics.
+
+Charles Dickens in Chancery."
+
+The boxing boom continues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_A Tight Place_.
+
+Child Herbert (_to "Wicked Baron"_). "MY LORD, I HAVE EVER REGARDED YOU
+AS A PESTILENT VILLAIN--NAY WORSE, AN HEREDITARY IMBECILE. I THEREFORE
+RELY ON YOUR BENEFICENT WISDOM TO FIND ME A WAY OUT OF THIS SINISTER
+WOOD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 22._--Great muster of forces on both
+sides. Not wholly explained by second reading of Budget Bill standing as
+first Order. A section of Ministerialists, purists in finance, took
+exception to proposed procedure. Holt, spokesman at mouth of new Cave,
+put down amendment challenging Chancellor of Exchequer's proposals. Here
+was chance for watchful Opposition. If some thirty Ministerialists would
+go with them into Lobby it would not quite suffice to turn out Ministry;
+but it would be better than a Snap Division, with its personal
+inconvenience of preliminary hiding in bath-rooms and underground
+cellars.
+
+Cassel, adding to Parliamentary reputation studiously attained, raised
+subject on point of order. Underlying suggestion was that Budget Bill
+should be withdrawn and reintroduced under amended form of procedure.
+Speaker, whilst admitting irregularity, stopped short of approving
+extreme course. Pointed out that the matter might be put right by moving
+fresh resolutions.
+
+This disappointing. Worse to follow. The Infant Samuel, making fresh
+appearance in new part of understudy of Chancellor of Exchequer,
+conceded point of procedure made by Radical Cave. Promised objection
+should be fully met. Holt, amid ironical cheers from Opposition, said in
+these circumstances would not move amendment. Incident reminded Walter
+Long of story of the Colonel and the opossum up a tree.
+
+"Don't shoot!" said the Opossum; "I'll come down."
+
+Chancellor of the Exchequer had come down. No need for Colonel Holt to
+discharge his gun.
+
+Thus threatened crisis blew over. Members, cheered by promise of
+reduction by one half of proposed increase in Income Tax, got away early
+to attend various functions in honour of King's birthday.
+
+_Business done._--Second reading of Budget Bill moved.
+
+[Illustration: _Wicket-keeper_ (_Mr. Cassel_). "How's that?"
+
+_Umpire_ (_Mr. Speaker_). "Out!"
+
+_Batsman_ (_Mr. Lloyd George_). "Rotten antiquated rule!"
+
+["I did not expect ... that hon. members would go rummaging in the
+dustbins of ancient precedent to find obstacles to place in the way of
+these proposals."--_Mr. Lloyd George on his Budget._]]
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--London season in full fling. May be said to
+reach dizziest height in this birthday week. Social engagements numerous
+and clashing. To-day House of Lords magnet of attraction of surpassing
+force. The thing for _grandes dames_ to do is to go down to the House
+and be present at opening of fresh tourney round Home Rule Bill.
+Accordingly, the peeresses, alive to their responsibility as leaders of
+high thinking and simple living, flock down to Westminster, filling
+side-galleries with grace, beauty, and some finely feathered hats.
+
+Seats on floor also crowded. Patriotic peers arriving late, finding no
+room on the benches where the Union Jack is kept flying, cross over.
+Temporarily seat themselves among the comparatively scanty flock of
+discredited Ministerialists. Bishops muster in exceptional number. Their
+rochets form wedge of spotless white thrust in centre of black-coated
+laity seated below Gangway on right of Woolsack. Space before Throne
+thronged with Privy Councillors availing themselves of the privilege
+their rank confers to come thus closely into contact with what is still
+an hereditary chamber.
+
+[Illustration: "Bill presented to Lords as a sort of lay figure, which
+they may, in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe."]
+
+In centre of first row Carson uplifts his tall figure and surveys a
+scene he has done much to make possible.
+
+Perhaps in matter of dramatic interest the play did not quite come up to
+its superb setting. Principal parts taken by Crewe and Lansdowne.
+Neither accustomed to move House to spasms of enthusiasm. Leader of
+House, introducing what is officially known as Government of Ireland
+Amending Bill, made it clear in such sentences as were fully audible
+that scheme does not go a step beyond overture towards settlement
+proffered by Premier last March.
+
+Lansdowne expressed profound disappointment at this lack of enterprise.
+"Rather a shabby and undignified proceeding on the part of a strong
+Government," he said, "to come down with proposal they know to be wholly
+inadequate, and to hint that we ought to assist them in converting it
+into a practical and workable measure."
+
+Actual condition of things could not with equal brevity be more clearly
+stated. Bill presented to Lords as sort of lay figure, which they may,
+in accordance with taste and conviction, suitably clothe. No assurance
+forthcoming that style and fit will be approved when submitted to House
+of Commons, final arbiters.
+
+Meanwhile Bill read a first time, and ordered to be printed.
+
+_Business done._--The Commons still harping on the Budget. Tim Healy
+enlivened proceedings by vigorous personal attack on "the most reckless
+and incapable Chancellor of the Exchequer that ever sat on the Treasury
+Bench." Lloyd George's retort courteous looked forward to with interest.
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday._--When, shortly after half-past five,
+Chancellor Of Exchequer rose to take part in debate on new development
+of Budget Bill, House nearly empty. Interests at stake enormous.
+Situation enlivened for Opposition by quandary of Government. But
+afternoon is hot, and from the silver Thames cool air blows over
+Terrace. Accordingly thither Members repair, leaving House to solitude
+and Chiozza Money.
+
+Benches rapidly filled when news went round that Chancellor was on his
+legs. Soon there was crowded audience. Sound of cheering and
+counter-cheering, applausive and derisive, frequently broke forth.
+Chancellor in fine fighting form. Malcontents in his own camp are
+reconciled. Hereditary foe in front. Went for him accordingly. Walter
+Long seated immediately opposite conveniently served as suitable target
+for whirling lance. Effectively quoted from speeches made by him at
+other times, insisting upon relief of the rate so heavily burdoned as to
+make it impossible to carry out social reforms of imperative necessity.
+
+"After these lavish professions of anxiety to help local authorities, I
+did not," said the Chancellor, "expect the right hon. gentleman and his
+friends would go rummaging in the dustbins of ancient precedent, to find
+obstacles to place in the way of proposals of reform."
+
+Carried away by his own eloquence, the Chancellor, whilst sarcastically
+complimentary to Walter Long, went so far as to call him "The Father of
+Form IV." The putative parent blushed. There were cries of "Order!" and
+"Withdraw!" Speaker did not interpose, and Chancellor hurried on to
+another point of his argument.
+
+Quite a long time since our old friend Form IV., at one time a familiar
+impulse to party vituperation, was mentioned in debate. This unexpected
+disclosure of its paternity made quite a stir.
+
+Son Austen followed Chancellor in brisk speech that led to one or two
+interludes of angry interruption across the Table. When he made an end
+of speaking, debate relapsed into former condition of languor. Talk
+dully kept up till half-past eleven.
+
+_Business done._--Further debate on Budget.
+
+_Thursday._--Chancellor of Exchequer admittedly allured by what he
+describes as "attractive features" of proposal to raise fresh revenue.
+It is simply the levying of a special tax on all persons using titles.
+
+Idea not absolutely new. Principle established in case of citizens
+displaying crest or coat-of-arms. What is novel is suggested method of
+taxation. Differing from the dog-tax, levied at a common rate, it is
+proposed that our old nobility shall, in this fresh recognition of their
+lofty estate, be dealt with on a sliding scale. A duke will have his
+pre-eminence recognised by an exceptionally high rate of taxation.
+Marquises, earls and a' that will be mulct on a descending scale, till
+the lowly knight is reached. He will be compensated for comparative
+obscurity in the glittering throng by being let off for a nominal sum.
+
+Chancellor fears it is too late to adopt proposal this year, a way of
+putting it which seems to suggest that we may hear more of it in next
+year's Budget.
+
+_Business done._--Hayes Fisher's Amendment to Budget Bill negatived by
+303 votes to 265. Reduction of Ministerial majority to 38 hailed with
+boisterous burst of cheers and counter-cheers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Garden City Washing-day.
+
+Our sensitive artist insists on a harmonious colour-scheme.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Lord Mayor (on hearing a certain Peel): "Turn again (in your grave),
+Whittington."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+New song for old Cantabs.:--
+
+"O. B., what can the maté be?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUS IN URBE.
+
+No, this is not the Russian ballet. It is the English Folk Dance
+Society, and their performances at the Royal Horticultural Hall at
+Westminster the other day showed that the Russian ballet is not to have
+things all its own way. I am not going to moralise upon the salacious
+quality of some of the themes of our exotic visitors, but certainly it
+would be difficult to find a stronger contrast to their ruling passion
+than is presented by the purity and simplicity of these country dances.
+
+"Sellinger's Bound," danced to an air that lulled _Titania_ to sleep all
+through the winter at the Savoy, was the most popular, with its ring of
+a dozen dancers, hands joined, running together into the centre of their
+circle, as if to honour some imaginary deity--possibly Mr. Cecil Sharp,
+director of the Society, who has collected and revived the airs to which
+they dance.
+
+Then there were the Morris-dances, "Shepherd's Hey" (with nothing about
+a "nonny-nonny" in it), and "Haste to the Wedding." There might perhaps
+be a greater propriety in the latter if it were confined to men; but at
+least it raised no apprehension that anybody was going to "repent at
+leisure." In the "Flamborough Sword" dance, the men (with no Amazon
+assistance) raced through the figure and out again, eight of them, armed
+with bloodless wooden swords--a finely ordered riot.
+
+"Lady's Pleasure," a Morris-jig for two men, lays hold of you at the
+first bar, and again with a fresh grip and a tighter as the music slows
+up for the dancers to do their "capers"--all to the music of Mr. Cecil
+Sharp at the piano and Miss Avril at the fiddle.
+
+The object of The English Folk Dance Society is to teach rather than to
+perform in public. Hence the rarity of their displays, and the better
+reason why we should seize, when they come, our chances of assisting at
+these delightful exhibitions of an art whose revival has done so much to
+restore to the countryside the unpretentious joys that gave its name to
+Merrie England.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was the time when Henry III. was batting with Simon de
+    Montfort and his Barons"--_Straits Times._
+
+But not at Lord's, which has only just celebrated its centenary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GREAT ECONOMY EFFECTED BY CO-OPERATION IN ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MILITANTS' TARIFF.
+
+_Etna Lodge, W._
+
+Mrs. Bangham Smasher, having entered into partnership with the Misses
+Burnham Blazer, as General Agents of Destruction, begs to inform the
+public that the firm will prepared to execute commissions of all kinds,
+at the shortest notice, on the very moderate terms given below:--
+
+                                                £   s.  _d_.
+
+For breaking windows, per window                   0   7   6
+For howling, kicking, or biting during service
+in church, per howl, kick, or bite                 0  10   6
+For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons,
+per hour, if fine                                  0  15   0
+For sitting on doorsteps of obnoxious persons,
+per hour, if wet                                   1   1   0
+For damaging golf greens, per green                1  11   6
+For throwing shoes at magistrates in court,
+according to size and weight of shoe,
+from                                               2   2   0
+For beating officials connected with gaols         3   3   0
+For slashing and hacking valuable pictures,
+from                                               7   7   0
+For bombs not intended to explode                  8   8   0
+For burning down a house, according to value
+and social position of owner, from                10   0   0
+For insulting exalted Personages, per insult      10  10   0
+For burning down a modern red-brick
+church                                            15  15   0
+For burning down a specially valuable and
+interesting ancient one (eleventh and
+twelfth centuries extra)                          21   0   0
+For bombs warranted to destroy an ordinary
+church.                                           30   0   0
+For bombs suited to wreck really superior
+Buildings, such as Westminster Abbey
+and St. Paul's                                    50   0   0
+For disturbing public meetings and the
+general harassing and annoyance of all
+peaceable and decent people                       No charge.
+
+Bangham Smasher, Burnham Blazer & Co. beg to assume their patrons that
+all the choppers, hammers, bombs, stones, etc., employed in their
+business are of the very best quality, and only refined paraffin and wax
+matches will be used in burning down any building.
+
+Being in a position to offer such exceptional advantages they trust to
+receive a large measure of support in their elevating and enlightening
+work.
+
+If none of the above is found suitable to the needs of intending
+clients, a further list of assorted outrages will be supplied on
+application.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE'S LOGIC.
+
+  My happiness is in another's keeping,
+    My heart delivered to a maiden's care,
+  And she can cast it down or set it leaping
+    (The latter process is extremely rare);
+  Ah, would that love indeed had made me blind,
+  That I might put her image out of mind!
+
+  Yet if I looked at her with eyes unseeing
+    Her voice and laughter would not pass unheard;
+  I should not be a reasonable being,
+    I still should tremble at her lightest word;
+  How could I then gain freedom from the spell
+  Unless I turned completely deaf as well?
+
+  So, blind and deaf, I might perhaps recover
+    A partial peace of mind, but all in vain,
+  For memories pursue the luckless lover,
+    And only death can ease him of his pain.
+  Thus, having proved that I were better dead,
+  I think I'll go and talk to her instead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALM FOR THE BRAINLESS.
+
+    ["If one man has more brains than another, which enable him to
+    outstrip his fellows, is not that good fortune? What had he got
+    to do with it? If your brain is a bad one, it is not your
+    responsibility. If your brain is a good one it is not your
+    merit. Some men have greater physical, mental, moral strength
+    than others that enables them to win in the race. That is their
+    good fortune and they ought to be grateful for it; and the one
+    way they can best show their gratitude is by helping those who
+    are less fortunate than themselves. Men endowed with any, or
+    most, or all of these fortunate conditions ought not to be
+    stingy in helping others who have not been so fortunate as
+    themselves."--Mr. _Lloyd George at Denmark Hill, June 30_.]
+
+As a result of Mr. Lloyd George's vivid and convincing pronouncement on
+the responsibilities of the fortunate, we have been deluged with appeals
+from all sorts and conditions of unlucky correspondents. We select the
+following from among the most deserving cases in the hope that our
+opulent readers may avail themselves of the chances thus offered of
+redressing the partiality of fortune.
+
+The Cry of the Cracksman.
+
+_The Sanctuary, Crookhaven._
+
+Sir,--Endowed by nature with an imperfect moral sense and a complete
+inability to discriminate between _meum_ and _tuum_, I was irresistibly
+impelled at an early age to adopt the precarious profession of
+housebreaker. I have just served a sentence of three years, and was on
+the point of resuming my career when I read Mr. Lloyd George's
+epoch-making speech at Denmark Hill, in which he clearly defines the
+duty of the State to redress the inequalities of moral as well as
+material endowment by which so large a proportion of the community is
+penalised. I am the master of a fine literary style and admirably suited
+to discharge any secretarial duties, but it is only right that I should
+clearly explain at the outset that it is no use offering me any post
+unless it is so well salaried that I should never feel it was worth
+while to explore or appropriate the contents of my employer's safe.
+
+Respectfully yours,
+
+Raphael Bunny.
+
+
+The Luck of the Law.
+
+_Railway Carriage Bungalow,
+
+Shoreham, Sussex._
+
+Sir,--It is precisely thirty years since I was called to the Bar, and
+several of my contemporaries have already been elevated to the Bench,
+while Sir John Simon, who is considerably my junior, is in the receipt
+of a salary probably double that drawn by an ordinary Judge. My earnings
+for the last ten years have exempted me from income-tax, but this is but
+a poor consolation when I consider that were it not for the caprice of
+fortune I should probably be returning £400 or £500 a year to the
+Exchequer in super-tax. But not only have I been badly treated in regard
+to mental equipment; I have been further handicapped by hereditary
+conscientious objection to pay any bills. An annuity of £500 a year, or
+only one-tenth of the salary of a Judge, is the minimum that my
+self-respect will allow me to accept in payment of the State's
+long-standing debt to
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+William Weir.
+
+
+The Cruelty of Competition.
+
+Sir,--I confidently appeal for your support in the application for a
+grant which I am forwarding to the Prime Minister. My son, aged 14, has
+failed to win an entrance scholarship at Winchester and Charterhouse,
+not from any fault of his own, but simply owing to the unfair
+competition of other candidates more liberally endowed with brains. At a
+modest estimate I calculate that the extra drain on my resources for the
+next eight years in consequence of this undeserved hardship will amount
+to at least £600, which I can ill afford owing to unfortunate
+speculations in Patagonian ruby mines--another example of that bad luck
+which, in the noble words of the Chancellor Of the Exchequer, it is the
+privilege of the prosperous to remedy.
+
+I am, Sir, yours expectantly,
+
+(Rev.) J. Stonor Brooke.
+
+
+_Vis inertiæ._
+
+_Lotus Lodge, Limpsfield._
+
+Sir,--A victim since birth to congenital lassitude, which has rendered
+all labour, whether manual or mental, distasteful, nay, intolerable to
+me, I find myself at the age of 41 so out of touch with the spirit of
+strenuous effort which has invaded every corner of our national life
+that I am anxious to confer on the State or, failing that, some
+meritorious millionaire the privilege of providing for my modest needs.
+A snug sinecure with a commodious residence and a good car--cheap
+American motors are of course barred--represent the indispensable
+minimum.
+
+I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
+
+Everleigh Slack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some day, says the President of the Aero Club, we shall be able to go
+into a shop and buy a pair of wings. But we can do that already; the
+only difficulty is to fly with them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentleman, middle aged, would be glad of a few correspondents
+    (40 to 60)."
+
+    _T. P.'s Weekly._
+
+Too Many.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SILENT CHARMER.
+
+    [Speaking of flowers a contemporary recently remarked:--"These
+    careless-looking creatures filling the air with delight, robbing
+    tired brains of tiredness, are a delicate texture of coloured
+    effort that has prevailed out of a thousand chances, aided in
+    all that effort by man. Without man they would be but weeds--a
+    profusion of Nature's quantity."]
+
+  My dearest Thomas, I would not
+    Deny the fact that you are clever;
+  You've taught Dame Nature what is what
+    At horticultural endeavour
+  (She has not got that useful thing,
+  The shilling book of gardening).
+
+  She has her merits, but, of course,
+    Her wild attempts won't stand comparing
+  With such a floral _tour de force_
+    As that geranium you are wearing;
+  Yon chosen emblem of your skill
+  Must surely make her wilder still.
+
+  But give me Nature; when we meet
+    She does not prattle of her posies,
+  Dull facts of what begonias eat,
+    The dietetic fads of roses,
+  And how she strove with spade and spud.
+  Or nipped the green fly on the bud.
+
+  'Tis she that really soothes the brain,
+    Spreading her weeds in bright profusion,
+  And never troubling to explain
+    How much they owe to her collusion,
+  While, Thomas, _your_ achievements seem
+  To be your one and only theme.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. J. C. Parke, writing in _The Strand Magazine_ on the best way to
+beat Wilding, says:--
+
+    "Personally, after close observation and from playing against
+    him, I would suggest a determined attack on the champion's
+    forehead from the base-line."
+
+That ought to learn him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "His Majesty has been pleased to confer the dignity of an
+    Earldom of the United Kingdom upon Field-Marshal the Viscount
+    Kitchener of Khartoum, P.G.C., B.O.M.G.C., S.I.G.C.M.,
+    G.G.C.I.E."
+
+_Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+The old orders change, yielding place to new.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a magazine cover:--
+
+    "This magazine has been the turning point in many a man's
+    career. Spend twopence and half-an-hour on it.... Price
+    Threepence."
+
+We would rather pay the threepence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In our report of the wedding of Mr. Lee Kwee Law to Miss Chan
+    Siew Cheen we inadvertently left out the following, who also
+    sent presents_:----"--Straits Echo._
+
+And then they inadvertently left them out again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CURE FOR CRICKET.
+
+There is no longer any doubt that golf is threatening the supremacy of
+our national game. Judged by the only true standard--the amount of space
+allotted to it in the daily press--it is manifest that the encroachments
+of this insidious pastime have now reached a point where the cricket
+reformer must bestir himself before it is too late. We are convinced
+that so far we have been taking much too narrow a view. The time has
+come to look for light and leading outside the confines of our own Book
+of Rules. There are other games besides cricket. Let us call them to our
+councils.
+
+In the first place a valuable hint may surely be found in the
+development of Rugby football. It is common knowledge what immense
+results have followed the introduction, some twenty years ago, of the
+Four Three-quarter System. No spectator (and we cannot exist without the
+spectator) would ever dream now of returning to the old formation. Very
+well. The same principle can be easily adapted to our requirements in
+the form of the Three Batsmen System. The pitch would become an
+equilateral triangle, and we should suggest that the bowler have the
+option of bowling (from his own corner) at either of the two outlying
+batsmen (at theirs). Lots of interesting developments would follow, as,
+for instance, the institution of a sort of silly-point-short-mid-on in
+the centre of the triangle. (Should he be allowed to wear gloves?)
+
+Golf has also a lesson to teach us. We are all familiar with the huge
+strides that have been made by the introduction of the rubber-cored
+ball. We don't want to plagiarize, although a rubber-cored cricket ball
+is a nice idea. Why not aim at the opposite extreme and try a ball
+"reinforced" with concrete? The tingling of the batsman's fingers which
+might result could be neutralised by the use of a rubber-faced bat. This
+reform would, we believe, have one happy consequence. People wouldn't be
+so keen to play with their legs.
+
+As to lawn tennis--another dangerous rival--we hear a good deal in these
+days about "foot-faults." That seems to show the trend of modern
+thought. If we are to be in the swim we shall have to reconsider our
+no-ball rule. Why not make it a no-ball every time unless the bowler has
+both feet in the air at the moment when the ball leaves his hand? One
+might put up a little hurdle--nothing obtrusive--only a matter of a few
+inches high.
+
+We believe that something might even be done by borrowing from hockey
+the principle of the semi-circle, outside of which a goal may not be
+shot. The whole pitch might be enclosed in a circular crease--which
+would look uncommonly well in Press photographs. (We cannot exist
+without the Press.) No fielder inside the magic circle would be allowed
+to stop the ball with his feet.
+
+Finally there is the case of billiards, not a game that is very closely
+allied to cricket, but one from which much may be learned. How has
+billiards brightened itself? By adopting the great principle of
+"barring" certain strokes. Here we have got on to something really
+valuable. We propose to go one better, and draw up a schedule of the
+different conditions of barring under which matches may be played. It
+will only remain for secretaries, when fixtures are made, to arrange the
+terms by negotiation. In time to come, should we be able to carry our
+point, we shall all be familiar with such announcements as the
+following:--
+
+  Notts. _v._ Surrey. (Cut-barred.)
+  Gentlemen _v._ Players. (L.b.w.-barred.)
+  England _v._ Australia. (Googly-and-yorker-barred.)
+
+We do not pretend to have exhausted the subject, but we have made a
+start. We must look about us. Something may be learned, we firmly
+believe, even from skittles and ping-pong. Our national game cannot
+afford to exclude special features. It should have the best of
+everything.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Are you Mrs. Pilkington-Haycock?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Well, I am, and this is her pew."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Professional Candour.
+
+    "The sermon over, a collection was taken, and hardly a person
+    present did not contribute. Mgr. Benson's sermon went to the
+    hardest heart there. Even the journalists contributed."
+
+    _The Universe._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HERE, THERE AND LONDON LETTER.
+
+_With apologies to "The Westminster_ Gazette."_
+
+The Home of the South Saxons.
+
+Sussex, the county for which Mr. C. B. Fry (who hurt his leg in the
+Lord's centenary match) used to play before he moved to Hampshire, is an
+attractive division of the country to the south of London with a long
+sea border. Mr. Kipling has praised it in some memorable verses, and
+among frequent visitors to its principal town, Brighton, is the
+Chancellor of the Exchequer. The word Sussex is a contraction of South
+Saxon. All will wish the old Oxonian a speedy recovery from his strain.
+
+A Monetary Proverb.
+
+The origin of the old saying, "Penny wise, pound foolish," which has
+come into vogue again in connection with the revised income tax--for who
+can deny that the saving of the penny is wise?--is lost in obscurity;
+but there is no doubt that it is very ancient. Many nations have the
+same proverb in different terms as applied to their own currency. In
+France the coins to which the saying best applies would be the sou and
+the louis; in America, the cent and the dollar; and so forth.
+
+Cordiality before Party.
+
+The circumstance of Mr. Lulu Harcourt's unveiling a memorial to Mr.
+Joseph Chamberlain and Mr. Austen Chamberlain at the Albert Dock
+Hospital is not without precedent. On more than one occasion party
+differences have been similarly forgotten. Thus several golf-players
+contributed to _The Daily Telegraph_ shilling fund in honour of the
+great W. G. Grace some few years ago. Such sinking of private
+shibboleths is a very excellent thing and goes far to show how
+thoroughly sound and healthy English public life really is _au fond_.
+
+The Names of Colleges.
+
+Exeter College, Oxford, which has just celebrated its six hundredth
+anniversary, is not the only college which bears the same name as that
+of a city. Pembroke is another. Keble is, of course, named after the
+hymn-writer and divine; and Balliol, where C. S. C. played the wag so
+divertingly, after Balliol. _À propos_ of Oxford, it is a question
+whether that extremely amusing book, _Verdant Green_, is still much read
+by freshers.
+
+The Author of _The Little Minister._
+
+Sir James Barrie, who is said to have written a revue for production
+this autumn at a West-End Theatre, must not be confounded with the
+French sculptor, Barye, in spite of the similarity of name. Barye is
+famous chiefly for his bronzes of lions; and fortunately, in making his
+studies of these dangerous animals, he escaped the fate which so often
+befalls the trainer of wild beasts whose animals suddenly turn upon him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE UPON A TIME.
+
+The Alien.
+
+Once upon a time a poet was sitting at his desk in his cottage near the
+woods, trying to write.
+
+It was a hot summer day and great fat white clouds were sailing across
+the sky. He knew that he ought to be out, but still he sat on, pen in
+hand, trying to write.
+
+Suddenly, among all the other sounds of busy urgent life that were
+filling the warm sweet air, he heard the new and unaccustomed song of a
+bird. At least not new and not unaccustomed, but new and unaccustomed
+there, in this sylvan retreat. The notes poured out, now shrill, now
+mellow, now bubbling like musical water, but always rich with the joy of
+life, the fulness of happiness. Where had he heard it before? What bird
+could it be?
+
+Suddenly the poet's housekeeper hurried in. "Oh, Sir," she exclaimed,
+"isn't it a pity? Someone's canary has got free, and it's singing out
+here something beautiful."
+
+"Of course," said the poet--"a canary;" and he hastened out to see it.
+But before he could get there the bird had flown to a clump of elms a
+little way off, from which proceeded sweeter and more tumultuously
+exultant song than they had ever known.
+
+The poet walked to the elms with his field-glasses, and after a while he
+discerned among the million leaves, the little yellow bird, with its
+throat trembling with rapture.
+
+But the poet and his housekeeper were not the only creatures who had
+heard the strange melody.
+
+"I say," said one sparrow to another, "did you hear that?"
+
+"What?" inquired the other sparrow, who was busy collecting food for a
+very greedy family.
+
+"Why, listen," said the first sparrow.
+
+"Bless my soul," said the second. "I never heard that before."
+
+"That's a strange bird," said the first sparrow; "I've seen it. It's all
+yellow."
+
+"All yellow?" said the other. "What awful cheek!"
+
+"Yes, isn't it?" replied the first sparrow. "Can you understand what it
+says?"
+
+"Not a note," said the second. "Another of those foreigners, I suppose.
+We shan't have a tree to call our own soon."
+
+"That's so," said the first. "There's no end to them. Nightingales are
+bad enough, grumbling all night, and swallows, although there's not so
+many of them this year as usual; but when it comes to yellow
+birds--well."
+
+"Hullo," said a passing tit, "what's the trouble now?"
+
+"Listen," said the sparrows.
+
+The tit was all attention for a minute while the gay triumphant song
+went on.
+
+"Well," he said, "that's a rum go. That's new, that is. Novel, I call
+it. What is it?"
+
+"It's a yellow foreigner," said the sparrows.
+
+"What's to be done with it?" the tit asked.
+
+"There's only one thing for self-respecting British birds to do," said
+the first sparrow. "Stop it. Teach it a lesson."
+
+"Absolutely," said the tit. "I'll go and find some others."
+
+"Yes, so will we," said the sparrows; and off they all flew, full of
+righteous purpose.
+
+Meanwhile the canary sang on and on, and the poet at the foot of the
+tree listened with delight.
+
+Suddenly, however, he was conscious of a new sound--a noisy chirping and
+harsh squeaking which seemed to fill the air, and a great cloud of small
+angry birds assailed the tree. For a while the uproar was immense, and
+the song ceased; and then, out of the heart of the tumult, pursued
+almost to the ground where the poet stood, fell the body of a little
+yellow bird, pecked to death by a thousand avenging furies.
+
+Seeing the poet they made off in a pack, still shrilling and squawking,
+but conscious of the highest rectitude.
+
+The poet picked up the poor mutilated body. It was still warm and it
+twitched a little, but never could its life and music return.
+
+While he stood thoughtfully there an old woman, holding an open cage and
+followed by half-a-dozen children, hobbled along the path.
+
+"My canary got away," she said. "Have you seen it? It flew in this
+direction."
+
+"I'm afraid I have seen it," said the poet, and he opened his hand.
+
+"My little pet!" said the old woman. "It sang so beautifully, and it
+used to feed from my fingers. My little pet."
+
+The poet returned to his work. "'In tooth and claw,'" he muttered to
+himself, "'In tooth and claw.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO UTILISE THE ART OF "SUGGESTION."
+
+The Doctor, six down at the turn, "suggests" to his opponent that they
+are playing croquet, and wins by two and one.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics._)
+
+_Tents of a Night_ (Smith, Elder) is a quite ordinary story, about
+entirely commonplace persons, which has however an original twist in it.
+I never met a story that conveyed so vividly the nastiness of a summer
+holiday that isn't nice. The holiday was in Brittany, just the common
+round, Cherbourg, Coutances, Mont St. Michel, and the rest of it; and
+the holiday-makers were _Mr._ and _Mrs. Hepburn_, their niece _Anne_,
+and a rather pleasant flapper named _Barbara_ whom they had taken in
+charge. _Anne_ is the heroine and central character of the holiday; and
+certainly whatever discomforts it contained she seems to have done her
+successful best to add to. "This is a beastly place!" was her written
+comment upon St. Michel; and it was typical of her attitude throughout.
+Of course the real trouble with _Anne_ was something deeper than drains
+or crowded hotels or the smell of too many omelettes: she was in love.
+Apparently she was more or less in love with two men, _Dragotin
+Voinovich_ (whose name was a constant worry to _Anne's_ aunt, and I am
+bound to say that I share her feelings about it) and _Jimmy Fordyce_, a
+pleasant young Englishman who pulls the girls out of quicksands and
+makes himself generally agreeable. In the end, however--but on second
+thoughts the end, emotionally speaking, of _Anne_ is just what I shall
+not tell you, as it is precisely the thing that redeems the book from
+being commonplace. This you will enjoy; and also those remarkably real
+descriptions of various plage-hotels in August, the noise, the crowds,
+the long hot meals, the sunshine and constant wind, the sand on the
+staircase, and the general atmosphere of wet bathing-gowns--all these
+are a luxurious delight to read about in a comfortable English room.
+Miss Mary Findlater evidently knows them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dippers who have given a new meaning to the classical motto, _Respice
+finem_, are so common amongst novel readers that Patricia Wentworth will
+only have herself to thank if many who are unfamiliar with her work fail
+to do justice to a book nine-tenths of which is thoroughly interesting
+and excellently well-written. As a boy, the hero of _Simon Heriot_
+(Melrose) is misunderstood, and although _Mr. Martin_, his step-father,
+is a somewhat stagey specimen of the heavy and vulgar papa, the child's
+emotions (as, for instance, when he pretends that the storm of his
+parent's wrath is the ordeal of the Inquisition or some far-away battle
+of paladins in which he is contending) are finely conceived, and many of
+the later passages in _Simon's_ life--his unhappy love affair with _Maud
+Courtney_, his relations with his grandmother and with _William
+Forster_, the schoolmaster--are quite engrossing and give occasion for
+memorable sketches of character. It is when the natural end of the story
+is reached, and _Simon_ has come into his own and has just been wedded
+to his proper affinity, that the structure seems to me to fall with a
+crash. I might perhaps, though not without reluctance, have pardoned an
+impertinent railway accident which leaves the young man apparently
+crippled for life, but the last chapters, in which he finds spiritual
+comfort and (after the doctors have given up hope) complete anatomical
+readjustment through the ministrations of faith healing, alienated me
+entirely. From the outset the obvious scheme of the novel is to bring
+the hero back happily to the home and, if you will, the rustic church of
+his ancestors; and, though the science of Christian healing may do all
+that its adherents claim for it, it has about as much to do with the
+case of _Simon Heriot_ as the dancing dervishes or the rites of Voodoo.
+
+Demetra Vaka has melted my literary heart. By way of homage to her I eat
+the dust and recant all the hard and bitter things I said and thought in
+my youth concerning Ancient Greece; especially I apologise, on behalf of
+myself and my pedagogues, for after regarding its language as a dead
+one. _A Child of the Orient_ (Lane) has taught me better, though the
+last object the author appears to have in view is to educate. This
+"Greek girl brought up in a Turkish household" writes to amuse,
+entertain and charm, and her success is abundant. Whether it is
+attributable to the romantic particulars of the Turkish household or to
+the ingenuous personality of the Greek girl, I hesitate to say, since
+both are so captivating; but this I know, that, considered as
+descriptive sketches or personal episodes, each of the twenty-two
+chapters is a separate delight. For the ready writer material is not
+wanting in the Near East; a fine theme is provided in the national
+ambition of the Greek, who cannot forget his glorious past and be
+content with his less conspicuous present. As for the love interest, who
+should supply this better than the Turk? In these days of
+cosmopolitanism there are bound to be romantic complications in the
+lives of a polygamous people situate in a monogamous continent. By way
+of postscript the authoress travels abroad and deals with alien matters;
+her impression, I gather, is that if her ancestors of classical times
+could see our world of to-day and express an opinion upon it the best of
+their praise would be reserved for the fact of the British Empire, and
+the worst of their abuse be spent upon what is known as American humour.
+I am so constituted that I cannot but be prejudiced in favour of a
+writer gifted with so profound a judgment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The creatrix of _Pam_ must look to her laurels. Slovenliness is the
+aptest word to apply to the workmanship of _Maria_ (Hutchinson), the
+latest heroine of the Baroness Von Hutten. _Maria_ has the air of having
+been contracted for, while that fastidious overseer who lurks at the
+elbow of every honest craftsman, condemning this or that phrase,
+readjusting the other faulty piece of construction, has frankly
+abandoned the contractor. _Maria_ was the daughter of an artist cadger
+(name of _Drello_), friend of the great and seller of their autograph
+letters, whereby he was astute enough to make a comfortable living.
+_Maria_ had a dull brother named _Laertes_, who accidentally met a
+highness, who fell very abruptly in love with _Maria_ and made her
+strictly dishonourable proposals. _Maria_ drew herself up, compelled him
+to apologise and go away, until the nineteenth chapter, when she made
+similar proposals to the highness, now a duly and unhappily married
+_King of Sarmania_. But she is saved by the chivalrous love-lorn dwarf,
+_Tomsk_, who, with the irascible singing-master _Sulzer_, is responsible
+for the chief elements of vitality in this rather suburban romance. And
+I found myself never believing in _Maria's_ wondrous beauty and quite
+sharing _Sulzer's_ poor opinion of her singing. But this of course was
+mere prejudice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Grizel Married_ (Mills and Boon) Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey
+exhibits the highest-handed method of treating Romance that ever I met.
+For consider the situation to be resolved. _Dane Peignton_ was engaged
+to _Teresa_, but in love with _Lady Cassandra Raynor_, whose husband, I
+regret to add, was still alive. _Dane_ and _Cassandra_ had never told
+their love, and concealment might have continued to prey on their damask
+cheeks, if Mrs. Vaizey had not (very naturally), wished to give us a big
+emotional scene of avowal. It is the way in which this is done that
+compels my homage. Off go the characters on a picnic, obviously big with
+fate. _Teresa_ goes, and _Dane_ and _Cassandra_, the fourth being
+_Grizel_, whom you may recall pleasantly from an earlier book; but,
+though she fills the title _rôle_ in this one, she has little to do with
+its development. Of course I saw that something tragic was going to
+happen to somebody on that picnic--cliffs or tides or mad bulls or
+something. But I don't suppose that in twenty guesses you could get at
+the actual instrument of destiny. _Cassandra_ chokes over a fish-bone!
+That's what I meant about Mrs. Vaizey's courage. And the reward of it is
+that, after your first moment of incredulity, the fish-bone isn't in the
+least bit absurd. Poor _Cassandra_ comes quite near to expiring of it;
+and _Dane_, having thumped and battered her into safety, sobs out his
+wild and whirling passion, while _Grizel_ and poor _Teresa_ have just to
+sit about and listen. It really is rather a striking and original
+climax; incidentally it is far the best scene in an otherwise not very
+brilliant tale. But, having attended that picnic, I shall be astonished
+if you don't, want to go on to the end and see how it all straightens
+out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Bargain Two-seater, with most of the accessories; only
+done fifty miles; water-cooled-engine; owner giving up driving.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At 9.30 o'clock, as the fog lifted somewhat, the rescuing
+    steamer Lyonnesse had sighted the Gothland, fast on the rocks,
+    with a bad list to starboard, and apparently partly filled with
+    pater."
+
+    _Daily Chronicle._
+
+"Our Special Correspondent's" father seems to be a big man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "While the class watches, the teacher pronounces all the words.
+    Then the whole class pronounces them while the teacher points,
+    skipping around."--_Hawaii Educational Review._
+
+A pretty scene, if the teacher is a man of graceful movements.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, July
+1, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 24357-8.txt or 24357-8.zip *****
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