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+Project Gutenberg's Punch, or the London Charivari, May 27, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, May 27, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 4, 2008 [EBook #24157]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+
+
+May 27, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+We hear that the news of the defeat of Messrs. Travers, Evans ("Chick")
+and Ouimet in the Amateur Golf Championship was received by President
+Huerta's troops with round upon round of cheering. Frankly, we think it
+rather petty of them.
+
+       ***
+
+The statement in _The Daily Mail_ to the effect that about two million
+pounds have been sunk in the new German liner _Vaterland_ is apt to be
+misconstrued, and we are requested to state that the vessel is still
+afloat.
+
+       ***
+
+There was a fire at the Press Club off Fleet Street last week, but we
+refuse absolutely to credit the rumour that this was the work of a
+member anxious that his paper should have first news of the
+conflagration.
+
+       ***
+
+We came across a flagrant example, the other day, of an advertisement
+that did not speak the truth. Seated on the top of an omnibus were six
+persons with most regrettable faces. Underneath them was an inscription,
+which ran the length of the knife-board:--
+
+  "Things we'd like to know."
+
+       ***
+
+Persons who are hesitating to visit the Anglo-American Exposition may
+like to know that the representation of New York there is not so
+realistic as to be unpleasant.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. A. Kipling Common writes to _The Daily Mail_ deploring England's
+lack of great men. We are sorry that _The Times_ should be so shy in
+using its power to remedy this defect. Letters from the great are always
+printed by our contemporary in large type. A few promotions might surely
+be distributed now and then among the small-type men?
+
+       ***
+
+A friendly intimation is said to have been conveyed by the Royal Academy
+to a restaurant in the immediate neighbourhood which advertises an
+Academy luncheon that its name might with advantage be changed to one of
+a nature less inciting to Suffragettes. We refer to Hatchett's.
+
+       ***
+
+Is cannibalism to be Society's latest fad? We notice that somebody's
+Skin Food is being advertised pretty freely.
+
+       ***
+
+The Criterion Restaurant, we see, is advertising a "_Souper Dansant_."
+Personally we dislike the kind of supper which, when eaten, will not lie
+down and rest.
+
+       ***
+
+It looks, we fear, as if in _Break the Walls Down_ the Savoy Theatre has
+not found a play which will _Bring the House Down_.
+
+       ***
+
+The proposal that a "full blue" should be awarded at Cambridge to those
+who represent the University at boxing was recently considered but not
+adopted. We should have thought that a "black and blue" would have been
+the appropriate thing.
+
+       ***
+
+Some idea of the heat last week may be gathered from the following order
+issued by the Cambridge University Officers' Training Corps:--
+
+    INTER-COMPANY COMPETITION.
+
+    Dress:--Two pouches will be worn on the right.
+
+       ***
+
+A translation is announced of a book by August Strindberg, entitled
+"Fair Haven and Foul Strand." Those of us who remember the Strand of
+twenty years ago, with its mud baths, will not consider the epithet too
+strong.
+
+       ***
+
+There is, we hear, considerable satisfaction among the animals at the
+Zoo at the result of a recent competition open to readers of _The
+Express_. It has been decided that the ugliest animal in the collection
+is the orang-utan, who resembles a human being more closely than any
+other animal.
+
+       ***
+
+Meanwhile it has been decided, humanely, not to break the news to the
+orang-utan himself until the weather gets cooler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Patriarch._ "I don't believe this 'ere about tellin'
+a man's character just by lookin' at 'is face. It ain't possible."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE MORTUIS NIL NISI BONUM.
+
+Lines dedicated to the outraged memory of Keats.
+
+[Two pretty poor sonnets by Keats have been exposed by a Mr. Horner and
+exploited in facsimile, twice over in one week, by _The Times_. In its
+_Literary Supplement_, where they made their second appearance, we are
+told with cynical candour that "afterwards, when he had become ashamed
+of his crowning" (the foolish episode which is the subject of these two
+sonnets) Keats "kept them from publication; and Reynolds" (the friend to
+whom he confided them), "knowing the story, respected his feelings after
+his death."]
+
+  What is there in the poet's human lot
+    Most beastly loathsome? Haply you will say
+    An influenza in the prime of May?
+  Or haply, nosed in some suburban plot,
+  The reek of putrid cabbage when it's hot?
+    Or, with the game all square and one to play,
+    To be defeated by a stymie? Nay,
+  I know of something worse--I'll tell you what.
+  It is to have your rotten childish rhymes
+    (Rotten as these) dragged from oblivion's shroud
+      Where, with the silly act that gave them birth,
+      They lay as lie the dead in sacred earth,
+    And see them, twice in one week, boomed aloud
+  To tickle penny readers of _The Times_.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AUDIT.
+
+This income of mine, in which the world has suddenly become so
+interested, must be calculated from the following returns of past years,
+being the figures supplied privately to Phyllis:--
+
+  (1)                            guineas.                          L
+1911-1912.  By fees as specialist   113    By occasional papers
+                                             in Medical Journals  35
+1912-1913.          ditto           152             ditto         42
+1913-1914.          ditto           203             ditto         37
+
+(2) My capital is invested in Ordinary Stock, and brings in anything
+from L50 to L100 a year, in accordance with the varying moods of the
+directors.
+
+(3) Lastly, I have now bought, out of my earnings, the freehold of the
+premises in which I carry on my practice. In making out a Balance Sheet
+this item must be regarded either as a liability or as an asset
+accordingly as one takes the dark or the bright view of the position.
+Either I owe myself so much a year for rent of the premises, in which
+case it is a liability: or else myself owes me so much for rent, in
+which case it is an asset. Practically speaking it doesn't much matter,
+because it is a bad debt either way.
+
+Those amongst my (apparently) most intimate friends, who are
+money-lenders, do not ask for details. They are content to assume the
+worst and hope for the best. Sir Reginald Hartley and Mr. Charles
+Dugmore, Assessor of Taxes, the most interested enquirers, are not,
+however, money-lenders.
+
+Sir Reginald is not naturally an inquisitive man, and his concern for
+me, in spite of my frequent appearance at his table, had hitherto been
+limited to my services in getting the port decanter round its circuit.
+It was I who, when one evening we were doing this alone, led up to the
+subject.
+
+"Sir Reginald," said I.
+
+He passed the port again, hoping thus to damp down my conversational
+powers. I, hoping to stimulate them, helped myself.
+
+"Well, what do you want now, my boy?" he asked reluctantly, noting my
+unsatisfied air.
+
+"I'll tell you what I should like, Sir," said I, "and that's a
+father-in-law. Would you care for the job?"
+
+Not, I think, entirely with a view to what he himself was likely to get
+out of this suggestion, he asked me outright what I was worth. "I don't
+think," he suggested, "that I could very well let my Phyllis marry
+anyone with less than five hundred a year, eh?"
+
+I got out paper and pencil, puckered up my brow, and worked out a sum.
+"I am happy to announce," I said eventually, "that we may put my income
+on the other side of that figure."
+
+To show my _bona fides_, I set out my sum:--
+
+MY INCOME ('14 to '15):                                           L
+  (1) _Fees._ (To estimate this item it is necessary to take actual
+             figures of last three years, which show an annual
+             increase at the rate of about 33%. The '13 to '14
+             figure is 203 guineas; add 33% and you get total
+             for '14 to '15, 284 pounds, say                     300
+  (2) Add annual value of professional premises, which is         50
+  (3) _Occasional literature._ This is practically a regular
+             stipend, at the fixed figure of (_circa_) L40. But
+             a happy marriage should promote inspiration.
+             Allowing for same, put this figure at, say.          51
+  (4) Interest on Investments, say                               100
+                                                               -----
+                     Grand Total. (E. & O. E.)                  L501
+                                                               =====
+
+These, however, were not the figures I quoted to Charles Dugmore, A.T.
+
+There was no port about him, and still less did he wait for me to
+introduce the subject. He sent me a sharp note and gave me twenty-one
+days to answer, in default of which he said he would have the law on me.
+Still, there is a certain rough kindness even about your Assessor of
+Taxes; this one enclosed a slip of paper, which he hoped I wouldn't
+read, but which, when I did read it, suggested to me my middle course of
+safety. "Work out your income, on lines consistent with honesty, at less
+than L160, and you've won," it said. With the assistance of the advice
+it gave, I had no difficulty in doing this; thus:--
+
+MY INCOME ('14 to '15):.                                               L
+  (1) _Trade, Vocation or Profession, A Specialist._ (To estimate
+         this item it is necessary to take actual figures
+         of last three years, which show an average of
+         164 pounds. It is difficult to say how much of
+         this will be net profit after making allowance
+         for estimated rental of professional premises
+         and other liabilities, but let us give the Inland
+         Revenue the benefit of the doubt and say 50%.
+         50% of 164 is                                                 82
+  (2) _Ditto, Occasional literature_. (This is a fluctuating
+         stipend, at the figure of (_circa_) 35. But one's
+         inspiration gets exhausted. Allowing for same,
+         and for pens, ink and paper, put this figure at               27
+  (3) Interest on Investments, say                                     50
+                                                                     ----
+                                                                     L159
+                                                                     ====
+
+Ulster may fight and Mexico may be right; nevertheless these things are
+apt to be forgotten when conversation reverts, as it always does, to My
+Income.
+
+The sordid subject came up again for discussion when Phyllis and I went
+to have a preliminary chat with the house-agent.
+
+"You have spoken with eloquence and conviction about reception-rooms,
+out-houses, railway stations, golf courses, and h. and c.," said I, "but
+sooner or later some one must rise and say a few pointed words about
+Rent."
+
+"That all depends on what you are prepared to give," he replied. "The
+rough-and-ready rule is to fix one's rent at a tenth of one's income."
+
+"Yes, but which income?" I asked. "For I have two incomes and I can't
+afford a separate house for each."
+
+He had no formula for my case and I left him a little later under a
+cloud of suspicion. Your house-agent is an ill judge of the subtler
+forms of humour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COALITION TOUCH.
+
+[Illustration: _Preparing To receive By-election Cavalry._
+
+Front Rank (_to Rear Rank_). "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ENEMY MAY THINK OF
+YOUR PIKE, BUT PERSONALLY IT INCOMMODES ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Very sorry, Sir; But I'm afraid I've made a small cut on
+your chin."
+
+"Ah! It must have been a sharp patch on the razor."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COLONEL TALKS.
+
+The great hunter and explorer received us with profound affability.
+Thinner he may be, but his terrible privations in the perilous back
+blocks of Brazil have left his dazzling bonzoline smile unharmed. Every
+one of the powerful two-and-thirty extended a separate welcome.
+
+"Sit right down," he said.
+
+We sat right down.
+
+"Say, Colonel," we began in the vernacular, "tell us about the river.
+Some river, ain't it?"
+
+"You are right, Sir," he replied. "It's a river. The Thames, according
+to your great statesman, Colonel Burns, is 'liquid history;' my river
+is----"
+
+"According to Savage Landor," we interrupted, "'liquid mystery.'"
+
+The explorer's face fell. "I will deal with him later," he said.
+"Meanwhile let me tell you, Sir, that this is no slouch of a river. It
+has all the necessary ingredients of a river. It has banks, and a
+current. There are fish in it. Boats and canoes can progress on its
+surface. Twenty-three times did I risk my valuable life in saving boats
+and canoes that had got adrift. It has rapids. Twenty-eight times did I
+nearly drown in negotiating them. It has some ugly snags. The ugliest I
+have called 'Wilson,' the next ugliest, 'Bryan.'"
+
+He stopped for applause and we let him have it.
+
+"It was a great discovery of yours," we said, after he had bowed several
+times.
+
+"No, Sir," he replied, "let us get that right. It is not my discovery.
+It is the discovery of Colonel Rondor."
+
+"Well, you keep it among the colonels anyway," we said.
+
+"In America, Sir," replied the modern Columbus--"in G. O. C., by which I
+mean God's Own Country--we keep everything among the colonels. But to
+proceed--it is not my discovery. All that I did was to trace it to its
+source in order to put it on the map. That is my ambition--the crowning
+moment of my _ex-officio_ life--to put this river on the map. It will
+mean a boom in South America at last. They are all out-of-date and new
+ones must be made."
+
+"And what will you call the river?" I asked.
+
+"I am not sure," he said. "Some want it to be known as the 'Roosevelt,'
+but that does not please me. The 'Rondor' would be better, or 'The Two
+Colonels.' Can you suggest anything?"
+
+"Why not 'The Sixty-five'?" we said, "since you lost sixty-five pounds
+in your travels."
+
+"Good," he said. "I will put the point to Kermet."
+
+"And is that your only triumph," we asked--"the river?"
+
+"Oh, no," he said. "There is a bird too. A new bird, about the size of a
+turkey."
+
+"Turkey in Europe or Turkey in Asia?" we asked.
+
+He pulled a gun from his belt and stroked it lovingly. There are moments
+when even an interviewer' recognises the dangers of importunity, and
+this was one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF OUR GREATEST.
+
+An Interview.
+
+It was naturally not without difficulty that I won my way to the
+presence of so busy and influential a publicist. A man who spends his
+whole time in instructing the readers of so many different papers in the
+delicate art of discerning the best and ignoring the rest cannot have
+much margin for inquisitive strangers.
+
+However, I succeeded in penetrating to his sanctum and, while waiting
+for the lion to appear, had an opportunity to look round. It was
+severely furnished--obviously the room of a great thinker. I noticed on
+the desk, which was covered with paper and note-books, a copy of Roget's
+_Thesaurus_ and Taylor's _Natural History of Enthusiasm_. With two such
+works one can, of course, go far. On the wall were the mottoes, "We
+needs must love the highest when we see it," and (from _The Bellman_)
+"What I tell you three times is true." I noticed two portraits also: one
+was of a delightful grande dame who might have graced a pavane in the
+days of Louis Quinze, inscribed to her "fellow-worker in the great
+cause, from Madame de Boccage," and another was the photograph of a gay
+young Frenchman in English clothes, signed "To mon cher colleague from
+'is sincere friend Alphonse." There were also three telephones on the
+table and several typewriters here and there.
+
+A moment later the wizard came in--a tall scholarly-looking figure, with
+all the stigmata of the great thinker beneath one of the highest brows
+in Europe.
+
+"And what," he asked, bowing with perfect courtesy, "can I do for you?"
+
+"I have come hoping for the privilege of an interview," I said.
+
+"But why," he replied with charming diffidence, "should you interview
+me? Why am I thus honoured?"
+
+"Because you are a very remarkable person," I replied. "You are the only
+journalist who can contribute the same articles regularly to _The Pall
+Mall_, _The Westminster_ and I don't know to how many other papers
+besides. That is a feat in itself. You are the only journalist who
+always has the same subject."
+
+He admitted these fine performances.
+
+"So I should like to ask you a few questions," I continued. "The public
+is naturally interested in the personality of so widely read an author.
+May I know how you obtained your amazing command of words? Your
+fluency?"
+
+"I have ever made a study of the finest writers," he said. "From Moses
+to De Courville, I have read them all. These studies and constant
+intercourse with the brainiest Americans I can meet have made me what I
+am."
+
+"But your certainty in discrimination," I said--"how did you acquire
+that? Most of us are so doubtful of ourselves."
+
+"I never am," he replied; "I am sure. One thing at a time is my theory.
+Concentrate on one thing and forget all the rest. In other words, trust
+to elimination. That's what I do. Having found something that I know to
+be good I instantly eliminate all thought of the existence of rival
+claimants and concentrate on that discovery and its exploitation."
+
+"Marvellous," I murmured. "And how do you think of all your variations
+on the one stimulating theme?"
+
+"Ah!" he said, "that is my secret." He tapped his massive forehead. "It
+wants a bit of doing, but I think I may say that up to date I have
+delivered the goods."
+
+"You may," I said. "Have you no assistants?"
+
+He flushed angrily and I changed the subject.
+
+"In your spare time----" I began.
+
+"I have none," he said. "I want none."
+
+"But surely now and then," I urged, "after office hours?"
+
+"I never relax," he said. "If I am not writing I am worshipping. I walk
+up and down on the other side of the street, gazing this way, wondering
+and adoring."
+
+What a man!
+
+"Now and then," I said, "you puzzle me a little. The columns in the
+evening papers go fairly straight to the point, but you are not always
+so direct. One now and then has to search for the true purpose of the
+article."
+
+He bent his fine brows in perplexity.
+
+"As when?" he asked.
+
+"Well," I said, "those third leaders in _The Times_, for example. I
+often read them without making perfectly sure which department of the
+great House you are recommending: to which of its varied activities you
+are drawing particular attention."
+
+He looked more bewildered. "The third leaders in _The Times_?" he asked.
+
+"Yes," I said. "Don't you write those?"
+
+"No," he replied with emphasis.
+
+"Great Heavens!" I said, "I'm very sorry if I've hurt you. But I always
+assumed that you did."
+
+The simultaneous ringing of the three telephones warned me that my time
+was up and I rose to go.
+
+"Good-bye," he said, "Good-bye. You know where to go if you want
+anything, don't you? No matter what it is--ties, socks, dress--suits,
+scent, afternoon tea, civility, perfection. You know where to go?"--and
+he bowed me out.
+
+And that is how I met Callisthenes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "'Arf a mo, Chawley; let's wait an' see 'im sit down."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLUDYARD.
+
+Mr. Rudyard Kipling's few remarks, made beneath the blue sky of the
+Empire at Tunbridge Wells, have not yet lost their effect. The famous
+orator's letter-bag is daily crowded with communications from total
+strangers who have striven in vain to resist the impulse to tell him
+what they think of him and his speech.
+
+"I understand from the local paper that you're an author," writes one
+correspondent from Haggerston; "if you can write like you can speak,
+your books ought to sell in hundreds."
+
+"Your speech was quite good," writes another, "so far as it went; the
+only fault I have to find with it is that it was not strong enough, Sir,
+not strong enough. The blackguards!"
+
+An envelope of pale purple, gently perfumed, contained that well-known
+work (now in its tenth thousand), "Gentle Words, and How to Use Them. By
+Amelia Papp." We understand that the receipt of this famous pamphlet had
+a tremendous effect upon Mr. Kipling.
+
+The speech has put courage into the heart of a young literary man known
+to us. "I have long yearned to break away from the weaklings who can do
+no more than call a spade a spade," he said the other day. "I feel that
+I now have a master's authority for doing so. In gratitude I can do no
+less than send Mr. Kipling a copy of my new book, _The Seven D's_, when
+it is ready."
+
+"I cannot be too grateful for your impressive speech," wrote a lady from
+Balham. "For many weeks now I consider that my butcher has been sending
+joints that are perfectly disgraceful, and I have been quite at a loss
+to know how to deal with him. But thanks to your great utterance I was
+able to get together just the words I wanted, and on Tuesday last I sent
+him _such_ a letter. You will be glad to know that Wednesday's shoulder
+was excellent."
+
+An anonymous correspondent, dating from a temporary address at
+Limehouse, has written, "Why don't you come over on our side? You and I
+together could do great things."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: According to a scheme suggested by the Royal Statistical
+Society everyone should be given a number and an index card at his
+birth. This would help the police to trace missing persons, prevent
+fraudulent marriages, etc. it would brighten the scheme if everybody was
+compelled to wear his number in a conspicuous position, and if a
+descriptive catalogue was issued.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SWEET O' THE YEAR.
+
+  Get your summer smocks on, _ye_ little elves and fairies!
+    Put your winter ones away in burrows underground--
+      Thick leaves and thistledown,
+      Rabbit's-fur and missel-down,
+  Woven in your magic way which no one ever varies,
+    Worn in earthy hidey-holes till
+      Spring comes round!
+
+  Got your summer smocks on! Be clad no more in russet!
+    All the flow'rs are fashion-plates and fabrics for your wear--
+      Gold and silver gossamer,
+      Webs, from every blossomer,
+  Fragrant and so delicate (with neither seam nor gusset),
+    Filmily you spin them, but they will not tear!
+
+  Get your summer smocks on, for all the woodland's waking,
+    All the glades with green and glow salute you with a shout,
+      All the earth is chorussing
+      (Hear the Lady Flora sing!--
+  Her that strews the hyacinths and sets you merry-making),
+    Oak and ash do call you and the blackthorn's out!
+
+  Get your summer smocks on, for soon's the time of dances
+    Soon's the time of junketings and revellers' delights--
+      Dances in your pleasaunces
+      Where your dainty presence is
+  Dangerous to mortals mid the moonlight that entrances,
+    Dazzling to a mortal eye on hot June nights!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+April 23, 1914.
+
+    350th Anniversary of the birth of William Makepeace
+    Shakespeare."--_Kostenaian._
+
+Oliver Wendell Cromwell, the distinguished author-politician, was born
+much later than the poet-novelist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HANGING GARDEN IN BABYLON.
+
+"Are you taking me to the Flower Show this afternoon?" asked Celia at
+breakfast.
+
+"No," I said thoughtfully; "no."
+
+"Well, that's that. What other breakfast conversation have I? Have you
+been to any theatres lately?"
+
+"Do you really want to go to the Flower Show?" I asked. "Because I don't
+believe I could bear it."
+
+"I've saved up two shillings."
+
+"It isn't that--not only that. But there'll be thousands of people
+there, all with gardens of their own, all pointing to things and saying,
+'We've got one of those in the east bed,' or 'Wouldn't that look nice in
+the south orchid house?' and you and I will be quite, quite out of it."
+I sighed, and helped myself from the west toast-rack.
+
+It is very delightful to have a flat in London, but there are times in
+the summer when I long for a garden of my own. I show people round our
+little place, and I point out hopefully the Hot Tap Doultonii in the
+bathroom, and the Dorothy Perkins loofah, but it isn't the same thing as
+taking your guest round your garden and telling him that what you really
+want is rain. Until I can do that the Chelsea Flower Show is no place
+for us.
+
+"Then I haven't told you the good news," said Celia. "We _are_
+gardeners." She paused a moment for effect. "I have ordered a
+window-box."
+
+I dropped the marmalade and jumped up eagerly.
+
+"Celia, my child," I cried, "this is glorious news! I haven't been so
+excited since I recognised a calceolaria last year, and told my host it
+was a calceolaria just before he told me. A window-box! What's in it?"
+
+"Pink geraniums and--and pink geraniums and--er----"
+
+"Pink geraniums?" I suggested.
+
+"Yes. They're very pretty, you know."
+
+"I know. But I could have wished for something more difficult. If we had
+something like--well, I don't want to seem to harp on it, but say
+calceolarias, then quite a lot of people mightn't recognise them, and I
+should be able to tell them what they were. I should be able to show
+them the calceolarias; you can't show people the geraniums."
+
+"You can say, 'What do you think of _that_ for a geranium?'" said Celia.
+"Anyhow," she added, "you've got to take me to the Flower Show now."
+
+"Of course I will. It is not only a pleasure, but a duty. As gardeners
+we must keep up with floricultural progress. Even though we start with
+pink geraniums now, we may have--er, calceolarias next year. Rotation of
+crops and--and what not."
+
+Accordingly we made our way in the afternoon to the Show.
+
+"I think we're a little over-dressed," I said as we paid our shillings.
+"We ought to look as if we'd just run up from our little window-box in
+the country and were going back by the last train. I should be in
+gaiters, really."
+
+"Our little window-box is not in the country," objected Celia. "It's
+what you might call a--a _pied de terre_ in town. French joke," she
+added kindly. "Much more difficult than the ordinary sort."
+
+"Don't forget it; we can always use it again on visitors. Now what shall
+we look at first?"
+
+"The flowers first; then the tea."
+
+I had bought a catalogue and was scanning it rapidly.
+
+"We don't want flowers," I said. "Our window-box--our garden is already
+full. It may be that James, the head boxer, has overdone the pink
+geraniums this year, but there it is. We can sack him and promote
+Thomas, but the mischief is done. Luckily there are other things we
+want. What about a dove-cot? I should like to see doves cooing round our
+geraniums."
+
+"Aren't dove-cots very big for a window-box?"
+
+"We could get a small one--for small doves. Do you have to buy the doves
+too, or do they just come? I never know. Or there," I broke off
+suddenly; "my dear, that's just the thing." And I pointed with my stick.
+
+"We have seven clocks already," said Celia.
+
+"But a sun-dial! How romantic. Particularly as only two of the clocks
+go. Celia, if you'd let me have a sundial in my window-box, I would meet
+you by it alone sometimes."
+
+"It sounds lovely," she said doubtfully.
+
+"You do want to make this window-box a success, don't you?" I asked as
+we wandered on. "Well, then, help me to buy something for it. I don't
+suggest one of those," and I pointed to a summer-house, "or even a
+weather-cock; but we must do something now we're here. For instance,
+what about one of these patent extension ladders, in case the geraniums
+grow very tall and you want to climb up and smell them? Or would you
+rather have some mushroom spawn? I would get up early and pick the
+mushrooms for breakfast. What do you think?"
+
+"I think it's too hot for anything, and I must sit down. Is this seat an
+exhibit or is it meant for sitting on?"
+
+"It's an exhibit, but we might easily want to buy one some day, when our
+window-box gets bigger. Let's try it."
+
+It was so hot that I think, if the man in charge of the Rustic Bench
+Section had tried to move us on, we should have bought the seat at once.
+But nobody bothered us. Indeed it was quite obvious that the news that
+we owned a large window-box had not yet got about.
+
+"I shall leave you here," I said after I had smoked a cigarette and
+dipped into the catalogue again, "and make my purchase. It will be quite
+inexpensive; indeed, it is marked in the catalogue at one-and-sixpence,
+which means that they will probably offer me the nine-shilling size
+first. But I shall be firm. Good-bye."
+
+I went and bought one and returned to her with it.
+
+"No, not now," I said, as she held out her hand eagerly. "Wait till we
+get home."
+
+It was cooler now, and we wandered through the tents, chatting
+patronisingly to the stall-keeper whenever we came to pink geraniums. At
+the orchids we were contemptuously sniffy. "Of course," I said, "for
+those who _like_ orchids----" and led the way back to the geraniums
+again. It was an interesting afternoon.
+
+And to our great joy the window-box was in position when we got home
+again.
+
+"Now!" I said dramatically, and I unwrapped my purchase and placed it in
+the middle of our new-made garden.
+
+"Whatever----"
+
+"A slug-trap," I explained proudly.
+
+"But how could slugs get up here?" asked Celia in surprise.
+
+"How do slugs got anywhere? They climb up the walls, or they come up in
+the lift, or they get blown about by the wind--I don't know. They can
+fly up if they like; but, however it be, when they do come, I mean to be
+ready for them."
+
+Still, though our slug-trap will no doubt come in usefully, it is not
+what we really want. What we gardeners really want is rain.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Tandem.
+
+    "The winner was Mr. E. Williams, on an A. J. S. machine, while,
+    on the same machine, Mr. C. Williams finished second."
+
+    _Liverpool Evening Express._
+
+He should have insisted on the front seat at the start, and then he
+might have finished first.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted immediately, experienced pressers for ladies' waists."
+
+    _Advt. in "Montreal Daily Star_."
+
+Don Juan, forward.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT TO BE CAUGHT.
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Mathematical Master_ (_after carefully explaining new rule_). "Well,
+Tertius, and what is four per cent. on L5?"
+
+_Tertius._ "Ten shillings."
+
+_Mathematical Master._ "No, no."
+
+_Tertius._ "Five shillings."
+
+_Mathematical Master._ "No!"
+
+_Tertius._ "Half-a-crown."
+
+_Mathematical Master._ "Now, Tertius, it's no use guessing; just think.
+I'll give you half-a-minute to pull yourself together." (_After interval
+of half-a-minute_) "Well?"
+
+_Tertius_ (_with confidence_). "Please, Sir, there isn't one."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRASTIC REFORM OF SCHOOLS.
+
+Remarkable Speech.
+
+Owing to the ruthless condensation of the Parliamentary Reports in the
+daily Press, no mention was made of Mr. Alfred Dunstanley's motion last
+Thursday, under the ten-minutes rule, for leave to bring in his Bill for
+the Reform of Public Schools. That omission we are now able to make
+good, thanks to the enterprise of a correspondent who was present during
+the debate in the Strangers' Gallery.
+
+Mr. Dunstanley remarked that he was not prompted by any animosity to our
+public schools and did not propose to exterminate or annihilate them.
+But he was convinced that in the best interests of the nation they ought
+to be purged of the excrescences and anomalies which militated against
+their utility. The Bill accordingly provided that, pending the
+extinction of the hereditary peerage, peers or peers' sons, if they
+insisted on going to public schools, should be carefully segregated and
+kept in a state of perpetual coventry. It was not advisable that the
+healthy sons of our democracy should associate with those effete and
+tainted aristocrats. The Bill stopped short of sending them to the
+lethal chamber, but recommended that they should pay triple fees.
+
+Mr. Dunstanley explained that he had no feeling against titled persons
+as individuals. But the facts were against them. Thus the word viscount
+was in Latin vice-comes, in itself a terrible admission. Again, baronets
+were almost invariably depicted in lurid colours by the best novelists.
+In short their presence at our public schools could not be safely
+tolerated, as even the children of good Radicals were not immune to the
+danger of snobbery and sycophancy. The Bill also provided for compulsory
+vegetarian diet and the abolition of all cadet corps, rifle-shooting and
+caning.
+
+Mr. Dunstanley concluded by observing that it pained him to bring
+forward this motion, as he had many friends who had been born in the
+purple, and some had survived the demoralising influences involved in
+their birth, but he felt it his solemn duty to lodge a practical protest
+against the fetish worship of rank and wealth and war, which, in the
+opinion of his great-headed colleague, Mr. John Ward, was ruining the
+country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter to _The Accrington Gazette_:--
+
+    "I do hope that the Accrington Town Council will read, mark,
+    learn this epistle and lay these precepts to their hearts, which
+    in Latin I will quote: 'Quod Hoc Sibi Vult.' It means that the
+    exposed food stuffs will not only be impregnated with the
+    volcanic like dust representing the cremated remnant of the
+    town's horrible organic refuse, but will also be tainted with
+    the smell that tastes."
+
+Our contemporary's correspondent would have pleased our old Sixth Form
+Master, who was always complaining that our translations did not bring
+out the _full_ meaning of the passage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Great Pictures under the Hammer."
+
+    _The Times._
+
+The Suffragettes continue to be busy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Who shall say howqztNj wodrmf."
+
+    _Manchester Daily Dispatch._
+
+Who wants to?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "And so you are really going to be married next month, my
+dear. Well, I think your future husband seems a charming man. By-the-by,
+what does he do?".
+
+"Oh--er--well--er--d'you know, I really haven't had time to ask him; but
+I expect Papa could tell you if you particularly want to know."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INSPIRATION.
+
+(_A Suburban Rhapsody._)
+
+  I said, "Within the garden trimly bordered,
+    Assisted by the merle, I mean to woo
+  The Heavenly Nine, by young Apollo wardered,"
+    And Araminta answered, "Yes, dear, do.
+  The deck chair's in the outhouse; lunch is ordered
+        For twenty-five to two."
+
+  I sat within the garden's island summer
+    And heard far off the shunting of the trains,
+  Noises of wheels, and speech of every comer
+    Passing the entrance--heard the man of brains
+  Talking of George's Budget, heard the plumber
+        Planning new leaks for drains.
+
+  These things did not disturb me. Through the fencing
+    I liked to bear in mind that men less free
+  Must toil and tramp, whilst I was just commencing
+    To court the Muses, foolscap on my knee,
+  Helped by the sweet bird in the shade-dispensing
+        Something-or-other tree.
+
+  I wrote: "Ah, who would be where rough men jostle
+    In dust and grime, like porkers at a trough.
+  When, here is May and May-time's blest apostle----"
+    Just then, without preliminary cough,
+  Suddenly, ere I knew, the actual throstle,
+        Tee'd up and started off.
+
+  It drowned the distant noise of motor-'buses,
+    It drowned the shunting trains, the traffic's roar,
+  The milk, the bread, the meat, the tradesmen's fusses,
+    And the long secret tale told o'er and o'er
+  That all day long Eliza Jane discusses
+        With the new girl next door.
+
+  So sweetly the bird sang. Great thrills went through it.
+    It seemed to say, "The glorious sun hath shone,
+  Flooding the world like treacle wrapped round suet;
+    Why should we harp of age and dull years gone?"
+  Time seemed to be no sort of object to it--
+        It just went on and on.
+
+  Therefore I rose, and later (o'er the trifle),
+    When Araminta with her tactful gush
+  Asked if the garden seemed to help or stifle
+    The Muses' output, I responded, "Tush;
+  When you go out, my dear, please buy a rifle;
+        I want to shoot that thrush."
+
+Evoe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Seen in a Birmingham shop window:--
+
+    "The Smartest Flannel Trouser in the City, 6/11."
+
+If he had another one, even though not quite so smart, we might consider
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The world's longest and most accurate golf ball."--_Advt._
+
+
+Personally we prefer the short ones when it comes to putting them into
+the tin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMENDING BILL.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Redmond. "WELL RIDDEN!"
+
+Mr. Asquith. "YES, I KNOW; BUT AS WE CAME ROUND THE CORNER AN
+'OBJECTION' OCCURRED TO ME, AND I FEEL BOUND TO LODGE IT MYSELF. I HOPE
+YOU WON'T MIND."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 18._--Field-Marshal Asquith, on military
+duty in attendance on the King at Aldershot. Takes opportunity to give
+His Majesty a few hints on the setting of a squadron in the field. In
+his absence depression customary on reassembling after week-end recess
+asserts itself with increased force. Through early portion of
+Question-hour benches half empty. As hands of clock approached the mark
+2.45, stream of arrivals increased in volume. At conclusion of Questions
+House so densely crowded that side galleries were invaded, and group of
+Members stood at Bar.
+
+Strangers in Gallery rubbed their eyes and asked what this might
+portend? Explanation simple. Within limit of Question-hour no division
+may take place. As soon as boundary passed danger zone for
+Ministerialists entered. Last week Opposition snapped a division at
+earliest possible moment and nearly cornered Government. To-day at least
+two divisions on Welsh Church Bill imminent. Ministerialists, obedient
+to urgent Whip, in their places in good time. When divisions were
+called--one on report of financial resolution of Welsh Church Bill, the
+other closing Committee stage--298 voted with Government against 204 for
+rejection of motion. By rare coincidence figures in both divisions were
+exactly the same, re-establishing Government majority at 94.
+
+This done, Members trooped out in battalions, leaving Hume Williams to
+spend on wooden intelligence of empty benches able argument in support
+of motion for rejection of Bill at Third Reading stage. Lifeless debate
+temporarily uplifted by speech of simple eloquence from William Jones,
+who, after long interval, breaks the silence imposed upon a Whip.
+Quickly gathering audience listened from both sides with obvious
+pleasure to a speech which, as Stuart-Wortley said, was "marked by real
+fervour and manifest sincerity." We have not so many natural orators in
+present House that we can with indifference see given up to the drudgery
+of the Whips' room what was meant for mankind.
+
+One passage, a sort of aside, brought tears to eyes of case-hardened
+section of the audience seated in Press Gallery. They furtively dropped
+when Member for Carnarvon described how, a small boy visiting the
+Strangers' Gallery, he found seated there "a saintly Pressman, a frail
+and fragile figure in bad health, who wrote weekly letters to the Welsh
+_Baner_. I saw him," he added, "at lucid intervals, writing his
+letters."
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Lloyd George and the Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+"For the rest it was the same grinding out of barrel-organ tunes that
+has been going on these three years."]
+
+House loudly laughed at picture thus graphically drawn. Pressmen, not
+essentially saintly, know how desirable is the accessory of lucid
+intervals for the writing of London Letters.
+
+[Illustration: A PASSIVE RESISTER.
+
+"Let degenerate Irishmen, suborned by bargain with a Saxon Government,
+go forth to save it in the Division Lobby."
+
+(Mr. William O'Brien.)]
+
+_Business done._--Under Procedure Resolution agreed to last week Welsh
+Church Disestablishment Bill carried through Committee as quickly as
+Chairman could put formal motion. Debate opened on Third Reading.
+
+_Tuesday._--"I rejoice," said F. E. Smith, rising at ten o'clock in half
+empty House to support motion for rejection of Welsh Church Bill on
+Third Reading stage, "that debates on this measure are approaching
+termination. We are all driven to make the same speeches over again and
+to cite old illustrations of the insane constitution under which we
+live."
+
+This frank admission of the inutility of stretching debate over two
+sittings not agreeable to feelings of those responsible for weary waste
+of time. All the same, lamentably true.
+
+Only impulse of vitality given to proceedings came from speech of George
+Cave. Member for Kingston does not frequently interpose in debate. Long
+intervals of silence give him opportunity of garnering something worth
+saying, a rule of Parliamentary life that might be recommended to the
+attention of some who shall here be nameless. For the rest it was the
+same grinding out of barrel-organ tunes in varied keys that has been
+going on these three years. McKenna gave touch of originality to his
+remarks in winding up debate by avoiding reference to the late Giraldus
+Cambrensis. Thus momentarily refreshed, Members gratefully went out to
+Division Lobby, and Third Reading was carried by majority of 77.
+
+In two other divisions concerning Welsh Church Bill taken yesterday,
+what the late Mr. G. P. R. James if he were starting a new novel would
+describe as a solitary figure--"a solitary horseman" was, to be precise,
+the consecrated phrase--might have been observed sitting in corner seat
+below Gangway on Opposition side. It was William O'Brien assuming the
+attitude of passive resister to a measure which, in respect of an
+established Church that national feeling regards as alien, proposes to
+do for Wales what nearly half a century ago Gladstone did for Ireland.
+In Parliamentary parlance, "the hon. Member in possession of the House"
+is the gentleman on his legs addressing the Speaker. Whilst a crowd of
+Members streamed out, some into the "Aye" Lobby, others into the "No,"
+William O'Brien remained seated, for a moment or two literally the
+Member in possession of the House.
+
+Let degenerate Irishmen, suborned by bargain with a Saxon Government, go
+forth to save it in the Division Lobby. Sea-green (with envy of John
+Redmond, whose name will, after all, be imperishably connected with the
+final success of a National movement inaugurated forty years ago by
+Isaac Butt) incorruptible, William O'Brien thus protested against a
+course of events he has been unable to control. To those who remember
+his fierce eloquence in past years dominating a hostile audience there
+was something pathetic in the spectacle.
+
+_Business done._--Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill read third time.
+Sent on to meet predestined fate in Lords.
+
+_Thursday._--Quite lively goings on. House met to open debate on Third
+Reading of Home Rule Bill, at special desire of Opposition to be
+extended over three sittings. Campbell had given notice of intention to
+move rejection. Everything pointed to long dreary evening, the
+serving-up of that "thrice boiled cole-wort" which Carlyle honestly
+believed to form the principal dish in the House of Commons shilling
+dinner.
+
+Expected that Premier would indicate purport and scope of promised Bill
+amending an Act not yet added to Statute Book. Questioned on subject he
+announced that Bill will be introduced in the Lords. Judged by ordinary
+business tactics this seemed a reasonable arrangement. On return from
+Whitsun holidays the Lords will find Home Rule Bill at their disposal.
+Do not conceal intention of throwing it out on Second Reading.
+Whereupon, Parliament Act stepping in, it will be added to Statute Book.
+Meanwhile Lords, having no other business on hand, might devote their
+time to consideration of that settlement of Ulster question which all
+parties speak of as their heart's desire.
+
+House of Commons is, however, above consideration of ordinary business
+ways. Announcement of Ministerial intention with respect to Amending
+Bill raised clamour worthy of our best traditions. Poor Campbell getting
+up to perform appointed task was greeted by his own friends with stormy
+cries for adjournment. For full five minutes he stood at Table, with
+nervous fingers rapping a tune on lid of brass-bound box.
+
+"What's he playing, do you think?" Winterton asked Rowland Hunt.
+
+"As far as I can make out," said the Man for Shropshire, "it's 'The
+Campbells are Coming.'"
+
+"By Jove, they shan't come," said Winterton, who was in his element (hot
+water). "'Journ! 'Journ! Journ!" he shouted, leading again the storm of
+interruption that prevented a word being heard from Campbell.
+
+Speaker at end of five minutes asked Bonner Law whether this refusal of
+the Opposition to hear one of their leaders met with his assent and
+approval? Bonner Law haughtily refused to answer. Winterton and Kinloch
+Cooke more delighted than ever. Uproar growing, the Speaker declared
+sitting suspended and left the Chair.
+
+[Illustration: "MORITHURI TE SALUTHAMUS."
+
+"In regard to the Home Rule Bill, the position of himself and his
+friends was, 'We who are about to die salute thee.'"--_Mr. Tim Healy_.]
+
+A critical moment. So high did angry passion run that there might have
+been repetition of the famous fisticuffs on floor of House that marked
+progress of first Home Rule Bill. Ominous sign when Royds of Sleaford,
+ordinarily mildest-mannered of men, rushed between Front Opposition
+Bench and Table and shook a minatory forefinger at Asquith.
+
+Premier only smiled. Happily his indifferent good humour prevailed on
+his own side. There was interchange of acrid compliments as parties
+joined each other on the way out. But nothing more happened, except that
+Hasleton and another Irish Nationalist, passing empty chair of
+Sergeant-at-Arms, lit, the one a pipe, the other a cigarette.
+
+"Shocking!" cried an outraged Member of the old school.
+
+"Not at all," said Sark. "When the House of Commons is enlivened by
+pot-house manners there is surely no harm in two customers lighting up
+as they pass out."
+
+_Business._--Outbreak of disorder, Speaker suspends sitting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUYING A PIANO.
+
+I had often thought I should like to possess a really good piano--not
+one of those dumpy vertical instruments, but a big flat one with a long
+tail. For a long time I hesitated between a Rolls Royce, a Yost, a Veuve
+Cliquot, and a Thurston. At last I put the problem to a musical friend.
+He said:
+
+"It's a piano you want, not a motor-typewriting-champagne-table? Very
+good, then. You go to Steinbech's in Wigram Street. They'll fix you up.
+Mention my name if you like."
+
+"What'll happen to me if I do?"
+
+"They'll sell you a piano. That's what you want, isn't it?"
+
+So I went. I told the man at Steinbech's that I believed they sold
+pianos. He said that my belief was not without foundation, but that, in
+any case, they would be prepared to stretch a point in my favour and
+sell me one. What sort did I require?
+
+"A big flat one with a long tail," I replied.
+
+"Ah, you want a full concert-grand? Then kindly step into our show-room,
+Sir. Now, this one," he said, indicating a handsome brunette, "is a
+magnificent piano. Best workmanship and superior materials employed
+throughout. Splendid tone and light touch. Price, one hundred guineas.
+Examine it; try it for yourself, Sir." And he opened the keyboard as he
+spoke.
+
+"Er--what order are the notes arranged in?" I asked.
+
+"In strict alphabetical order," he answered. "A, B, C, and so on."
+
+"You must excuse my asking the question," I went on, "but the fact is
+I've never seen a Steinbech before. I thought perhaps that different
+makers adopted different arrangements of the notes, as makers of
+typewriters do. Now, will this piano play Beethoven? I particularly want
+a piano that will play the 'Moonlight' and the 'Waldstein.'"
+
+"You're not thinking of a _pianola_, Sir, are you?"
+
+"No," I replied, "I am not. I have no sympathy with music that looks
+like a Gruyere cheese. The music I want my piano to play is the ordinary
+printed kind--black-currants and stalks and that sort of thing."
+
+"Well, Sir, you will find that this piano is specially adapted for
+playing all kinds of printed music. Music in manuscript may also be
+rendered upon it."
+
+"That's one point settled then," I said. "Now, if you will kindly prize
+the lid off, I should like to look at the works."
+
+He lifted the lid and propped it up with a short billiard-cue which
+fitted into a notch. All danger of sudden decapitation having been
+removed, I put my head inside.
+
+"Hallo!" I cried. "What's this harp doing in here? Doesn't it get in the
+way?"
+
+"That is not a harp, Sir; that is part of the mechanism--the wires, you
+know."
+
+I plucked a few of them, and they gave forth a pleasing sound. So I
+plucked some more.
+
+"Yes," I said decidedly, "I like the rigging very much. And now perhaps
+you will be good enough to tell me what those two foot-clutches are for,
+which I noticed underneath the keyboard. I suppose they are the brake
+and the reversing-gear?"
+
+I was wrong. The man expounded their true functions to me. Then I said,
+"I should just like to examine it underneath, if you wouldn't mind
+turning it on its back."
+
+The fellow told me that it was unnecessary and unusual--that I had seen
+all there was to see. This made me suspicious. I was certain he was
+trying to conceal some radical defect from me. So I made up my mind to
+see for myself. I took off my coat and crawled underneath. As I
+suspected, I found two large round holes in the flooring. When I had
+finished rubbing my head, I drew the man's attention to them. He was
+able to give a more or less reasonable excuse for them. I forget what he
+said they were--ventilators, I think.
+
+He concluded by saying that the instrument would be certain to give me
+the utmost satisfaction.
+
+"You would not recommend my having a more expensive one?" I asked. "A
+Stradivarius, or a Benvenuto Cellini?"
+
+He thought not; so we clinched the deal.
+
+"I think," I said, as I handed him my cheque, "that I should like my
+name-plate fixed on it somewhere--say, on one of the end notes that I
+shall never use."
+
+But he advised me against this. None of the players handicapped at
+scratch ever thought of such a thing.
+
+"Very well," I said. "Just wrap it up for me, and I'll----"
+
+"Hadn't we better send it for you," he suggested, "in one of our vans,
+in charge of our own men?"
+
+"Just so," I agreed. "Good morning."
+
+The piano duly arrived, and when we had taken the drawing-room door out
+of its socket and demolished a large portion of two walls, they got it
+in--just in. With care I can squeeze into the room. However, I am happy,
+though crowded, for I have achieved my heart's desire.
+
+It has been with me a year now. I must soon think of learning to play
+it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PARAFFIN HABIT.
+
+[Illustration: (_Doctors generally are prescribing refined paraffin for
+various ailments._)
+
+_Mistress._ "The oil finished again, Mary? it seems to go very quickly."
+
+_Cook._ "It's the Master, Mum. Whenever 'e runs out of 'is 'refined' 'e
+comes a-dipping into this 'ere."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The New Dramatist.
+
+From "Books Received" in _The Daily Chronicle_:--
+
+    "Misalliance, The Dark Lady of the Sonnets and Fanny's First
+    Play; with a Treatise on Parents and Children, by Bernard
+    Constable, 6s."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ouimet was born at Brookline.... As his name rather suggests,
+    his parents were French Canadians, who moved to Brookline from
+    Montreal."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+It seems a great deal for the name to suggest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"The Great Gamble."
+
+A man who elopes with his friend's wife cannot fairly expect to command
+general sympathy when, sooner or later, he has to pay the claims of
+offended morality. Yet one could not help being a little sorry for
+_Colonel Herrick_, the leading delinquent in Mr. Jerome's play. For
+scarcely had they started for the Continent from Charing Cross (to be
+precise, the train was passing through Chislehurst) when the lady
+suddenly repented of her rash act and burst into unassuageable tears.
+If, on reaching Dover, he had had the happy thought of despatching her
+back to her home as unaccompanied baggage, he would have saved himself a
+vast deal of trouble. But, being a soldier, he set his teeth and went
+forward, and for eight days she made the hotels of Europe ring with her
+lamentations. Nor was this his only source of discomfort. Though, for
+convenience, they appeared in the visitors' books as man and wife, the
+lady's attitude compelled the maintenance of platonic relations, and,
+whereas in actual life this would merely have meant that he had to
+occupy a separate bedroom, in Mr. Jerome's vision of things as they
+might be it meant that he had to sleep in the bath-room.
+
+It will be readily understood that, to _The Colonel_, the advent of the
+infuriated husband was of the nature of a relief. Thanks to the
+intervention of a large assortment of friends, and after assurance given
+of the lady's technical retention of her virtue, he agrees to take her
+back if she cares to rejoin him. It is true that before the happy
+conclusion, so satisfactory to _The Colonel_, is reached, a duel
+_manque_ is interposed; but this is designed for the sole benefit of the
+audience and does not affect the result.
+
+Meanwhile, the lady adopts an enigmatic behaviour. On the appearance of
+her husband she exchanges the black dress of remorse for the gay yellow
+garb of a mind at ease; yet under his very nose she permits herself to
+exhibit a very intimate delight in _The Colonel's_ more obvious
+attractions. So cryptic indeed is her conduct (both for us and her
+friends) that it is arranged that her choice between the two men shall
+be decided by the test of a dream. In consequence, however, of an attack
+of insomnia this dream (like the duel) fails to come off and shortly
+after midnight her waking doubts are resolved in her husband's favour.
+
+It will be seen that, the stuff of Mr. Jerome's play is sufficiently
+fatuous; but Mr. Edmund Maurice as _The Colonel_ was always amusing, and
+in the multitude of counsellors there was merriment. Unfortunately Mr.
+Stanley Cooke, as a _Herr Professor_ and leader of the chorus, did not
+quite succeed in executing his share of the fun.
+
+[Illustration: How Unhappy could I be with Either!
+
+_The Husband_       Mr. Michael Sherebrooke,
+_The Wife_          Miss Sarah Brooke.
+_The Colonel_       Mr. Edmund Maurice.]
+
+The farce was varied by a very amateur romance as between a young
+American and the niece of an hotel-keeper; also by a slab of melodrama
+(dealing with the girl's parentage) which only escaped from pure
+banality by the too brief glimpse it gave us of that admirable actress,
+Miss Ruth Mackay.
+
+The scene (perhaps the best part of the whole show) was laid in "An
+Ancient Grove" adjacent to a German University. (The catalogue,
+peculiarly reticent about proper names, offers my memory no
+refreshment.) This "Ancient Grove," unchanged throughout the play,
+served a number of useful purposes. It made excuse for the intermittent
+apparition (otherwise inexplicable) of a little woodland figure that
+played upon a pipe. Its proximity to an hotel afforded occasion for meal
+after meal _en plein air_. Its proximity to a University Town encouraged
+the frequent passage of German students, vivacious and vocal; also the
+convenient appearance of any foreign resident or visitor at a moment's
+notice. Its Statue of Venus (fully draped) afforded an authentic
+incitement to the making of love. Its environs enabled Mr. Jerome to
+dispose of his puppets whenever their presence became undesirable. They
+simply said, "Let us stroll in the woods;" or "Come for a walk with me,"
+and he was rid of them. Finally the "Ancient Grove" contained a central
+patch of boscage in whose cover one of the duellists, arriving on the
+_terrain_ a little before the time, remained _perdu_ in slumber,
+undisturbed by a loud conversation carried on within a few feet of him
+by all the other parties to the combat.
+
+Indeed the scenery put in some good work, and I really don't know what
+we should have done without it.
+
+_The Great Gamble_ was, of course, the lottery of marriage. But for some
+of us it meant the risk we ran in attending the first night of a play by
+Mr. Jerome after our bitter experience of his _Rowena in Search of a
+Father_. To say that his present work is an improvement upon his last
+would be to damn it with a fainter praise than it deserves. _The Great
+Gamble_ is a strange and inscrutable medley, but it has its exhilarating
+moments, and the humour of its dialogue, though it is mitigated by the
+Professor's contributions, is worthy of a much better design.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Now that Miss Cecil Leitch has won the Ladies' Golf
+    Championship after seven years' unsuccessful striving, it may be
+    suggested that she might alter the spelling of her name to
+    Leach. Just to show how she stuck to it!"--_Glasgow Evening
+    News._
+
+The writer should have stuck to his dictionary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was officially stated yesterday that Dr. Herbert William
+    Moxon, the son of a former prominent Unionist in West
+    Derbyshire, had consented to address a meeting of Liberals with
+    a view to his adaptation as Liberal candidate for West
+    Derbyshire."
+
+    _Daily Mail._
+
+These adaptable politicians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Palmer would still deserve to be crowned with unfading
+    laurels."--_Times._
+
+Palmer _qui meruit ferat_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Latest Cannibal News.
+
+    "Djaraboub ordinarily contains only 350 inhabitants but these
+    are swollen by pilgrims."
+
+    _Siam Observer._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Jack Tar Abroad_ (_to second, very "busy
+riding"_). "'Ulloa, Bill; looks like yer workin' yer passage."
+
+_Bill._ "Yuss; 'ad bloomin' rough weather, too; but it's all right if ye
+'old on to this 'ere forestay."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY MUCH GREATER LONDON.
+
+[_One result of the introduction of the Bachelet flying train should
+certainly be the extension of London's suburbs. We extract the following
+from a season-ticket holder's diary of the near future._]
+
+_Dundee._--Strap-hung again to-day; London train abominably crowded.
+That is the worst of living in these inner suburbs. Men who live on the
+other side of the Orkney Tunnel tell me the train only begins seriously
+to fill up at Caithness; before that, one has reasonable hope of a seat.
+Brown, for instance, says that, coming up from Kirkwall and entering
+train before pressure begins, he rarely has to use strap. Don't know how
+the poor wretches at Newcastle and Durham ever get to town at all,
+though, living so close to King's Cross, they can perhaps afford to
+stand for the few minutes they are in train....
+
+No change for better, so have been studying agents' lists; some items
+attractive. For example:--
+
+_Belgian Tunnel Line._--Antwerp and Liverpool Street in 29 minutes; low
+season-ticket rates; excellent mid-day service, enabling business men to
+take luncheon at home.
+
+_Charming Maisonettes_ in fine healthy suburb, S.W. London (Penzance
+district); bath h. and c.; Company's water; two minutes Bachelet
+Railway-station; 25 minutes Paddington and City.
+
+_Sunny Cairo, S.E._--Nice self-contained flats; charming desert view;
+low rents; ninety-five minutes Charing Cross; five minutes Sahara golf
+links (inland course but real sand bunkers).
+
+_Week-End Cottage for Harassed City Worker, Siberia (near London_).--To
+be let furnished; bracing air; perfect quiet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SYNTHETIC MUTTON.
+
+In view of the impending scarcity of meat, so vividly foreshadowed in a
+recent article in _The Times_, it is most reassuring to learn that a new
+comestible, palatable and nutritious, yet entirely free from the
+drawbacks of all flesh foods, has been invented by a German scientist
+and will shortly be put upon the market at a price which will bring it
+within the reach of the humblest household.
+
+Professor Schafskopf, the inventor, has long been engaged on experiments
+with a view to the production of synthetic mutton, and his diligent
+efforts have now been crowned with success. The basis of the new food is
+compressed peat, which is so permeated with a variety of nutritive
+juices, applied at high pressure by a grouting machine, as to be
+practically indistinguishable from the best Southdown mutton.
+
+By way of putting his discovery to the test Professor Schafskopf
+entertained a number of distinguished guests at the Fitz Hotel last
+week, and with hardly an exception they were astonished at the succulent
+and sumptuous flavour of the new food, which is called by the attractive
+name of "Supermut."
+
+Professor Bino Byles, interviewed at the close of the banquet, said that
+"Supermut" was a distinct success. It had all the digestibility of tripe
+with an added aroma of Harris Tweed.
+
+Mr. Gullick, the famous motorist, said that "Supermut" reminded him of
+the best cormorant. He believed that it could also be used for making
+unpuncturable tyres.
+
+Lord Findhorn, the eminent Scots Judge, said that "Supermut" had
+converted him to carnivorous food, though he was an hereditary
+vegetarian.
+
+Finally we note that _The Forceps_ in a laudatory article pays a
+handsome tribute to the new food, and says, "It must be conceded that a
+very reliable substitute for mutton has at length been produced. We
+found it hard to distinguish it from a saddle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAY PICNIC.
+
+  Someone has settled (it's not my fault;
+  And, whatever we do, let's take some salt)--
+  Someone has settled, don't you see,
+  Without referring the thing to me,
+  That this is a day to be bright and hearty,
+  And to take our lunch as a picnic party--
+  To take our lunch with toil and care
+  Away from home in the open air.
+
+  Now I maintain that it can't be right,
+  When there isn't a single wasp in sight,
+  To have mint-sauce and a joint of lamb,
+  Some currant cake and a pot of jam,
+  A gooseberry tart, with sugar and cream,
+  And some salad dressing, a bottled dream--
+  All the things that a wasp loves best
+  When he buzzes away from his hidden nest;
+  And you all shout "Wasp!" and flick at the fellow,
+  And you miss his black and you miss his yellow,
+  And only succeed in turning over
+  Your glass of drink on the thirsty clover.
+  A picnic? Pooh! Why, you merely waste it
+  When there isn't a wasp to come and taste it.
+
+  However, a picnic's got to be,
+  Though they haven't referred the thing to me.
+  There's a boat and we put our parcels in it,
+  And off we push in another minute.
+  And our pace is certainly rather slow,
+  For everybody wants to row;
+  And there's any amount of laugh and chatter,
+  And crabs are caught, but it doesn't matter;
+        For we're all afloat
+        In an open boat,
+  And the breeze is light and the sky is blue,
+  And the sun is toasting us through and through.
+
+  By a buttercup field we came to land
+  And every passenger lent a hand
+  To unload our food and spread it out,
+  While the cows stood flapping their tails about.
+  And Peggy as waitress played her part,
+  And John fell into the gooseberry tart.
+  I can't explain, though I wish I could,
+  Why everything tasted twice as good?
+  As it does at home in the cheerful gloom
+  Of the old familiar dining-room.
+  Every picnicky thing was there,
+  Including the girls and the son and heir,
+  A red-cheeked frivolous knife-and-fork's crew,
+  Who hadn't forgotten, oh joy, the corkscrew!
+  And, last, we furbished our feasting-green,
+  And left no paper to spoil the scene,
+  Did up the remains in a tidy pack
+  And took to our boat and drifted back.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CORNCRAKE.
+
+The corncrake has arrived. As I turned in at the gate last night he
+reported himself in the usual way. So now we are in for it. The
+priceless boon of silence in the hours of darkness will be denied to us
+for many weeks to come.
+
+I do not know how to describe his utterance. It could not without
+extravagance be called a note, still less a chirp, and least of all a
+song. It is not a bark--not quite. It is hardly a growl or a grunt or a
+snort; I should be sorry to call it a bray or a yelp. And yet I am not
+going to admit that it is a quack or a bleat; and it isn't a screech or
+a squeal or a sob. Nor is it a croak, though now we are getting nearer
+to it. The puzzling thing about it is that it was clearly meant by
+Nature to be an interjection. Uttered once, suddenly, from the far side
+of a hedge it would admirably convey such a sentiment as, "Hi!" "What
+ho!" or "Here we are again!" But in practice it is the one sound in the
+whole landscape that never interjects. It is a monument of barren
+reiteration.
+
+I wonder why he does it. No doubt he has some end in view. He must get
+something out of it--some bodily ease or mental stimulus or spiritual
+consolation. But he must surely have been born with a prodigious passion
+for monotony. It may surprise you to learn that in the course of the
+season he will make that same remark over two million times. I have
+worked it out. Two million is a conservative estimate. It only allows
+for eight hours' work out of the twenty-four, for a term of six weeks:
+so that it is well within the mark.
+
+Our corncrake--I don't know what the usual standard may be--does
+ninety-eight to the minute. He is as regular as the ticking of a clock.
+You can't hustle him and you can't wear him out. At times when I have
+thought he might be getting tired and thirsty I have imagined that he
+was slowing down; but he never gets below ninety-six; and in his most
+active and feverish moments he very rarely touches the hundred. At short
+measured intervals he punctuates the night with his dry delivery,
+unhasting yet unresting, his sole idea to get his forty-seven-thousand
+up without a break before the morning. He just doesn't know the meaning
+of the word emphasis; he has absolutely no sense of rhythm. Once I tried
+to believe that he was talking in three-four time, or at least that he
+was occasionally accenting a note. But he never does. He gets no louder
+or softer, higher or lower, quicker or slower--he just keeps on.
+
+You need not suppose that I have meekly sat down under this thing. This
+is his sixth year, and I have been at war with him all the time. But
+finally he holds the field, and my only hope now is that his powers may
+begin to fail as old age creeps on. Even if he dropped to eighty a
+minute it would be an intense relief. But I dare say he means to
+bequeath the pitch to a successor at his death--perhaps to a relative.
+
+At first I used to throw things at him out of the bedroom
+window--hairbrushes and slippers and books and all sorts of odds and
+ends. I had to go round with a basket after breakfast collecting them.
+But it was no good; he never dropped a beat. Then I deliberately
+devastated the garden, with a view to deprive him of cover. I had all
+the bushes taken up and the flowerbeds removed, and I laid down, just
+under my bedroom window, a wide expanse of tar-macadam, as bald and flat
+as a mirror--a beetle couldn't have hidden himself on it. (I had to call
+this a hard tennis-court for the sake of appearances. We do as a matter
+of fact play on it sometimes.) But it had no effect on the corncrake. Of
+course the truth is that I never have the least idea where he is; no one
+has. No one has over seen him or ever will. He is endowed with great
+ventriloquial powers. That is a provision of Nature, and if you will
+reflect a moment you will see that it must be so. For, granted that he
+is to go on talking like that, if he could not throw his voice about
+from place to place and thus make it impossible to get at him, the
+species would become extinct.
+
+There is nothing more that I can do, and it is only fair to admit that
+the whole thing is my own fault. When I built my house six years ago I
+might have shown a little common foresight in this matter. I got
+everything else right as far as I could. My rooms are well placed for
+sunshine and they have the best of the view. The water-supply is good;
+there is plenty of fall for the drainage system; we are well out of the
+motor dust. But I omitted one precaution. I should have had the ground
+surveyed for corncrakes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hotel Waiter._ "Come, sir, you really must go off to
+bed, Sir." (_Yawns_). "Why, the dawn's a-breaking, Sir."
+
+_Late Reveller._ "Let it break--and put it down in the bill, waiter."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerics._)
+
+In _The World Set Free_ (Macmillan) Mr. H. G. Wells has seen a
+vision--the vision of a world plunged into blazing and crumbling chaos
+by the ultimate logical issues of military violence. Defence, becoming
+always less and less effective against attack, which is always more and
+more a matter of the laboratory, finally succumbs before _Holsten's_
+discovery of "Carolinum" and its final disastrous application in the
+"atomic bombs." Romancing on a theme out of Soddy's _Interpretation of
+Radium_, Mr. Wells, with those deft strokes of allusive and imaginative
+realism--so convincing is he that realism is the only apt word for his
+daring constructions of the future--depicts the shattering of the
+headquarters of the War Control in Paris, followed by a swift
+counterstroke against the Central European Control in Berlin by the
+aviation corps, the destruction of capital after capital, and the final
+great battle in the air, with the bombing of the Dutch sea walls.
+Thereafter comes the attempt at reconstruction by the Council of
+Brissago, a convention of the governing folk of the world--the dream and
+deed of the Frenchman _Leblanc_, "a little bald, spectacled man," a
+peacemonger whom, till that day of ruin, everyone had thought an amiable
+fool. One monarch, "The Slavic Fox," sees in the assembly a chance to
+strike for world sovereignty, and the failure of his bomb-fraught planes
+and his final undoing in the secret arsenal are breathless pieces of
+description.
+
+A subject for wonder is the astonishing advance in the author's
+technique. _The World Set Free_ is on an altogether different plane from
+_The War of the Worlds_ and those other gorgeous pot-boilers. It
+combines the alert philosophy and adroit criticism of the _Tono Bungay_
+phase with the luminous vision of _Anticipations_ and the romantic
+interest of his eccentric books of adventure. The seer in Mr. Wells
+comes uppermost, and I almost think that when the history of the latter
+half of the twentieth century comes to be written it will be found not
+merely that he has prophesied surely, but that his visions have actually
+tended to shape the course of events. Short of _Holsten's_ "atomic
+bombs" (which may or may not be developed) Mr. Wells makes a fair
+foreshadowing of the uprush of subliminal sanity which may very well be
+timed to appear before 1999. I can't take my hat off to Mr. Wells
+because I've had it in my hand out of respect for him these last few
+years. So I touch my forelock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Roding Rectory_ (Stanley Paul) is in many respects the best novel Mr.
+Archibald Marshall has written. Those who remember _Exton Manor_ and the
+three books dealing with the lives and deeds of the _Clintons_ will
+consider this to be high praise, as, indeed, it is meant to be. Mr.
+Marshall preserves the ease and amenity of style which we have learnt to
+expect of him; he creates his characters--ordinary English men and
+women, animated by ordinary English motives--with all his old skill, and
+he sets them to work out their destinies in that pleasant atmosphere of
+English country life which no one since Trollope's death has reproduced
+with greater truth and delicacy than Mr. Marshall. This time, however,
+the clash of temperaments and traditions is more severe, the story cuts
+deeper into humanity, and the narration of it is, I think, more closely
+knit. The Rector of Roding, the _Rev. Henry French_, is a fine figure of
+a man honourably devoted to the duties of his parish and abounding in
+good works. It is sad to see him cast down from his pride of place by
+the sudden revelation of an ill deed done in his thoughtless youth at
+Oxford. In an interview managed with an admirable sense of dramatic
+fitness he is faced by a son, the living embodiment of his
+all-but-forgotten sin, and soon the whole parish knows of it. But the
+Rector, with the aid of his wife, fights his fight and in the end wins
+back his self-respect and the respect of his neighbours. He is helped,
+too, by _Dr. Merrow_, the Congregational minister, a beautiful character
+drawn with deep sympathy. Indeed, it is _Dr. Merrow_ who has the _beau
+role_, and, I must add, deserves it. For the rest I must let Mr.
+Marshall's book speak for itself. He has written a very powerful and
+interesting story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among reviewers of books there is a convention by which the matter of a
+first edition--whether a single story or a collection of stories--which
+has been reproduced from a magazine or magazines, is treated as if it
+were a novelty. It is a sound and benevolent convention, because the
+stuff of magazines only receives at best a very sketchy notice. Miss May
+Sinclair, however, is apparently prepared; to risk the loss of any
+advantage to be derived from it, for her collection of short and
+middle-sized stones republished under the title of the first of them,
+_The Judgment of Eve_ (Hutchinson), is prefaced by an article in which
+she replies to those critics who took notice of some of them at the time
+of their appearance in magazine form. By this recognition of judgment
+already passed she sets me free to regard her stories as old matter, and
+to confine myself to a review of her introduction. In this answer to her
+critics I cannot feel that she has been well advised. Even in a second
+edition critics are best left alone, unless the author can correct them
+on a point of fact or interpretation of fact. Here it is on a matter of
+opinion that she joins issue with them. They seem (the misguided ones)
+to have rashly said that "The Judgment of Eve" was "a novel boiled
+down," and that "The Wrackham Memoirs," on the other hand, was "a short
+story spun out." But Miss Sinclair is very sure that she knew what she
+was about. She can "lay her hand on her heart and swear that 'The
+Judgment of Eve' would have lost by any words that could conceivably
+have been added to it;" she is certain that "Charles Wrackham required
+the precise amount of room that has been given him." I dare say she is
+right, but I wish she could have left someone else to say so. For myself
+I should have thought it obvious that a story dealing with character and
+its development by circumstance demanded more room in which to spread
+itself than one that dealt with a situation, dramatic or psychologic;
+yet "The Wrackham Memoirs," which, whatever its complexity, belongs to
+the latter type, takes up very nearly as much space as "The Judgment of
+Eve," which belongs to the former. Of course no critic of even moderate
+intelligence would propose to fix a limit of length for every type of
+story, but it may safely be said that, if you take Maupassant for a
+standard, the best short stories have concerned themselves with
+situation rather than with character; and, though I have not had the
+privilege of reading the criticisms which are the subject of Miss
+Sinclair's rebuke, I can easily believe that they were governed by this
+elementary reflection. It must have occurred to Miss Sinclair herself,
+even if she did not find it convenient to take cognisance of it in her
+reply. Perhaps she will have something to say on this subject in some
+future edition of her very interesting book, and I should indeed be
+flattered if she would consent, in a brief phrase or two, to review my
+review of her review of her reviewers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The new Cash Register as used at the Royal College of
+Music for calculating the value per minute of voices in the vocal
+training department.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Good costume novels are not so common nowadays that I can pass _Desmond
+O'Connor_ (Long) without a most hearty welcome. For it is an excellent
+example of its class--full of rescues, of swashbuckling and of midnight
+escapes; with a gallant hero (and Irish at that), a lovely heroine, two
+bold bad villains and a sufficiency of kings and other historical
+celebrities to fill the background picturesquely. In fact Mr. George H.
+Jessop has seen to it that no ingredient proper to this kind of dish
+shall be wanting, and I have great pleasure in congratulating him upon
+the result. _Desmond_ was a soldier of fortune, a captain in the gallant
+Irish Brigade that served King Louis XIV. against the Allies. During the
+siege of Bruges the young captain chanced to see one morning at mass the
+fair _Margaret, Countess of Anhalt_. She had lately fled to the town to
+frustrate the intentions of _Louis_, who would have given her hand to an
+equally unwilling suitor. There was also, hanging about, a certain _De
+Brissac_, who in the event of the countess's death or imprisonment would
+succeed to her estates. So off we go, cut and thrust, sword, cloak and
+rapier, all to the right jingle of tushery, till the last chapter, in
+which _King Louis_ relents and does what kings (of France especially)
+always do in the last chapters of historical romances. Really it seems
+sometimes as though the Louvre under the Monarchy must have been run as
+a kind of superior matrimonial agency in a large way of business. Anyhow
+he rings down the curtain upon a bustling tale that should add to the
+reputation of its author.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Conqueror of Ouimet.
+
+  As the grief of a lioness reft of her cubs,
+  Or a general ragged by the rawest of subs,
+  Or a rigid supporter of temperance clubs
+  Accused of frequenting the lowest of pubs,
+  Or a burglar defied by the skill that is Chubb's,
+  Is America's grief at the triumph of Tubbs.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, May
+27, 1914, by Various
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