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diff --git a/23783-8.txt b/23783-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e4c055c --- /dev/null +++ b/23783-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3334 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Eliza, by Barry Pain + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Eliza + +Author: Barry Pain + +Illustrator: Wallace Goldsmith + +Release Date: December 9, 2007 [EBook #23783] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ELIZA *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + +Transcriber's Note: Minor typographical errors have been corrected +without note. Dialect spellings, contractions and discrepancies have +been retained. + + + +ELIZA + +_Says_ ROBERT BARR _in_ THE IDLER:-- + +"... and as for Barry Pain's 'Eliza' I question if anything more +d e l i c i o u s l y humourous, and of a humour so restrained, has +been written since the time of Lamb." + + + +[Illustration: "_It was true I ran into the horse._" +(_See page_ 24.)] + + + + +ELIZA + + + +By + +BARRY PAIN + + + +ILLUSTRATED BY + +WALLACE GOLDSMITH + + + +BOSTON +DANA ESTES & COMPANY +PUBLISHERS + + + +_Copyright, 1904_ +BY DANA ESTES & COMPANY + +_COLONIAL PRESS_ + +_Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co. +Boston, Mass., U.S.A._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE +ELIZA'S HUSBAND 3 +THE CARDS 13 +ELIZA'S MOTHER 23 +MISS SAKERS 33 +THE ORCHESTROME 41 +THE TONIC PORT 49 +THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE 59 +THE HAT 67 +MY FORTUNE 73 +SHAKESPEARE 81 +THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM 89 +THE DAY OFF 97 +THE MUSHROOM 107 +THE PLEASANT SURPRISE 115 +THE MOPWORTHS 123 +THE PEN-WIPER 135 +THE 9.43 143 +THE CONUNDRUMS 151 +THE INK 159 +THE PUBLIC SCANDAL 167 +THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR" 175 +THE PAGRAMS 183 +PROMOTION 191 + + + + +ELIZA'S HUSBAND + + +"Suppose," I said to one of the junior clerks at our office the other +day, "you were asked to describe yourself in a few words, could you do +it?" + +His answer that he could describe me in two was no answer at all. Also +the two words were not a description, and were so offensive that I did +not continue the conversation. + +I believe there are but few people who could give you an accurate +description of themselves. Often in the train to and from the city, or +while walking in the street, I think over myself--what I have been, +what I am, what I might be if, financially speaking, it would run to +it. I imagine how I should act under different circumstances--on the +receipt of a large legacy, or if for some specially clever action I +were taken into partnership, or if a mad bull came down the street. I +may say that I make a regular study of myself. I have from time to time +recorded on paper some of the more important incidents of our married +life, affecting Eliza and myself, and I present them to you, gentle +reader, in this little volume. I think they show how with a very +limited income--and but for occasional assistance from Eliza's mother I +do not know how we should have got along--a man may to a great extent +preserve respectability, show taste and judgment, and manage his wife +and home. + +The more I think about myself, the more--I say it in all modesty--the +subject seems to grow. I should call myself many-sided, and in many +respects unlike ordinary men. Take, for instance, the question of +taste. Some people would hardly think it worth while to mention a +little thing like taste; but I do. I am not rich, but what I have I +like to have ornamental, though not loud. Only the other day the +question of glass-cloths for the kitchen turned up, and though those +with the red border were threepence a dozen dearer than the plain, I +ordered them without hesitation. Eliza changed them next day, contrary +to my wishes, and we had a few words about it, but that is not the +point. The real point is that if your taste comes out in a matter of +glass-cloths for the kitchen, it will also come out in antimacassars +for the drawing-room and higher things. + +Again, ordinary men--men that might possibly call themselves my +equals--are not careful enough about respectability. Everywhere around +me I see betting on horse-races, check trousers on Sunday, the wash +hung out in the front garden, whiskey and soda, front steps not +properly whitened, and the door-handle not up to the mark. I could +point to houses where late hours on Sunday are so much the rule that +the lady of the house comes down in her dressing-gown to take in the +milk--which, I am sure, Eliza would sooner die than do. There are +families--in my own neighbourhood, I am sorry to say--where the +chimneys are not swept regularly, beer is fetched in broad daylight, +and attendance at a place of worship on Sunday is rather the exception +than the rule. Then, again, language is an important point; to my mind +nothing marks a respectable man more than the use of genteel language. +There may have been occasions when excessive provocation has led me to +the use of regrettable expressions, but they have been few. As a rule I +avoid not only what is profane, but also anything that is slangy. I +fail to understand this habit which the present generation has formed +of picking up some meaningless phrase and using it in season and out of +season. For some weeks I have been greatly annoyed by the way some of +the clerks use the phrase "What, ho, she bumps!" If you ask them who +bumps, or how, or why, they have no answer but fits of silly laughter. +Probably, before these words appear in print that phrase will have been +forgotten and another equally ridiculous will have taken its place. It +is not sensible; what is worse, it is not to my mind respectable. Do +not imagine that I object to humour in conversation. That is a very +different thing. I have made humourous remarks myself before now, +mostly of rather a cynical and sarcastic kind. + +I am fond of my home, and any little addition to its furniture or +decorations gives me sincere pleasure. Both in the home and in our +manner of life there are many improvements which I am prevented by +financial considerations from carrying out. If I were a rich man I +would have the drawing-room walls a perfect mass of pictures. If I had +money I could spend it judiciously and without absurdity. I should have +the address stamped in gold on the note-paper, and use boot-trees, and +never be without a cake in the house in case a friend dropped in to +tea. Nor should I think twice about putting on an extra clean pair of +cuffs in the week if wanted. We should keep two servants. I am +interested in the drama, if serious, and two or three times every month +I should take Eliza to the dress-circle. Our suburb has a train service +which is particularly convenient for the theatres. Eliza would wear a +dressy blouse,--she shares my objections to anything cut out at the +neck,--a mackintosh, and a sailor hat, the two latter to be removed +before entering. I should carry her evening shoes in a pretty +crewel-worked bag. We have often discussed it. Curiously enough, she +already has the bag, though we seldom have an opportunity to use it in +this way. Doubtless there are many other innovations which, with +appropriate means, I could suggest. But I have said enough to show that +they would all be in the direction of refinement and elegance, and the +money would not be spent in foolishness or vice. + +As Eliza's husband, I should perhaps say a word or two about her. She +is a lady of high principles and great activity. Owing to my absence +every day in the exercise of my profession, she is called upon to +settle many questions,--as, for instance, the other day the question of +what contribution, if any, should be given to the local Fire +Brigade,--where a word of advice from me would have been useful. If not +actually independent, she is certainly not what would be described as a +clinging woman. Indeed, she does occasionally take upon herself to +enter on a line of action without consulting me, when my advice is +perfectly at her disposal, and would perhaps save her from blunders. +Last year she filled the coal-cellar (unusually large for the type of +house) right up at summer prices. Undoubtedly, she thought that she was +practising an economy. But she was dealing with a coal-merchant who +does not give credit--a man who requires cash down and sees that he +gets it. And--well, I need not go into details here, but it proved to +be excessively inconvenient for me. She has lost the silly playfulness +which was rather a mark of her character during the period of our +engagement, and if this is due to the sobering effects of association +with a steady and thoughtful character, I am not displeased. She +herself says it's the work, but the women do not always know. Possibly, +too, her temper is more easily ruffled now than then when I point out +things to her. I should say that she was less ambitious than myself. I +do not mention these little matters at all by way of finding fault. On +the contrary, I have a very high opinion of Eliza. + +[Illustration: "_Filled the coal-cellar right up at summer prices._"] + +We have no children living. + +With these few prefatory words, gentle reader, I fling open the front +door--to use a metaphorical expression--and invite you to witness a few +scenes of our domestic life that I have from time to time recorded. + + + + +THE CARDS + + +About a year ago Eliza and myself had a little difference of opinion. I +mentioned to her that we had no visiting-cards. + +"Of course not," she said. "The idea of such a thing!" She spoke rather +hastily. + +"Why do you say 'of course not'?" I replied, quietly. "Visiting-cards +are, I believe, in common use among ladies and gentlemen." + +She said she did not see what that had to do with it. + +"It has just this much to do with it," I answered: "that I do not +intend to go without visiting-cards another day!" + +"What's the use?" she asked. "We never call on anybody, and nobody ever +calls on us." + +"Is Miss Sakers nobody?" + +"Well, she's never left a card here, and she really is a lady by birth, +and can prove it. She just asks the girl to say she's been, and it's +nothing of importance, when she doesn't find me in. If she can do +without cards, we can. You'd much better go by her." + +"Thank you, I have my own ideas of propriety, and I do not take them +from Miss Sakers. I shall order fifty of each sort from Amrod's this +morning." + +"Then that makes a hundred cards wasted." + +"Either you cannot count," I said, "or you have yet to learn that there +are three sorts of cards used by married people--the husband's cards, +the wife's cards, and the card with both names on it." + +"Go it!" said Eliza. "Get a card for the cat as well. She knows a lot +more cats than we know people!" + +I could have given a fairly sharp retort to that, but I preferred to +remain absolutely silent. I thought it might show Eliza that she was +becoming rather vulgar. Silence is often the best rebuke. However, +Eliza went on: + +"Mother would hate it, I know that. To talk about cards, with the last +lot of coals not paid for--I call it wickedness." + +I simply walked out of the house, went straight down to Amrod's, and +ordered those cards. When the time comes for me to put my foot down, I +can generally put it down as well as most people. No one could be +easier to live with than I am, and I am sure Eliza has found it so; but +what I say is, if a man is not master in his own house, then where is +he? + + * * * * * + +Amrod printed the cards while I waited. I had them done in the Old +English character. I suggested some little decoration to give them a +tone,--an ivy leaf in the corner, or a little flourish under the +name,--but Amrod was opposed to this. He seemed to think it was not +essential, and it would have been charged extra, and also he had +nothing of the kind in stock. So I let that pass. The cards looked very +well as they were, a little plain and formal, perhaps, but very clean +(except in the case of a few where the ink had rubbed), and very +gratifying to one's natural self-respect. + +[Illustration: "_He seemed to think it was not essential._"] + +That evening I took a small cardboard box that had contained candles, +and packed in it a few carefully selected flowers from the garden, and +one of our cards. On the card I wrote "With kindest love from" just +above the names, and posted it to Eliza's mother. + +So far was Eliza's mother from being offended that she sent Eliza a +present of a postal-order for five shillings, three pounds of pressed +beef, and a nicely worked apron. + +On glancing over that sentence, I see that it is, perhaps, a little +ambiguous. The postal order was for the shillings alone--not for the +beef or the apron. + +I only mention the incident to show whether, in this case, Eliza or I +was right. + + * * * * * + +I put a few of my own cards in my letter-case, and the rest were packed +away in a drawer. A few weeks afterward I was annoyed to find Eliza +using some of her cards for winding silks. She said that it did not +prevent them from being used again, if they were ever wanted. + +"Pardon me," I said, "but cards for social purposes should not be bent +or frayed at the edge, and can hardly be too clean. Oblige me by not +doing that again!" + +That evening Eliza told me that No. 14 in the Crescent had been taken +by some people called Popworth. + +"That must be young Popworth who used to be in our office," I said. "I +heard that he was going to be married this year. You must certainly +call and leave cards." + +"Which sort, and how many?" + +"Without referring to a book, I can hardly say precisely. These things +are very much a matter of taste. Leave enough--say one of each sort for +each person in the house. There should be no stint." + +"How am I to know how many persons there are?" + +"Ask the butcher with whom they deal." + +On the following day I remarked that Popworth must have come in for +money, to be taking so large a house, and I hoped she had left the +cards. + +"I asked the butcher, and he said there was Popworth, his wife, two +sisters, a German friend, and eleven children. That was sixteen +persons, and made forty-eight cards altogether. You see, I remembered +your rule." + +"My dear Eliza," I said, "I told you as plainly as possible that it was +a matter of taste. You ought not to have left forty-eight at once." + +"Oh, I couldn't keep running backwards and forwards leaving a few at a +time. I've got something else to do. There's three pair of your socks +in the basket waiting to be darned, as it is." + +"And, good heavens! That Popworth can't be my Popworth. If he's only +married this year, he can't, in the nature of things, have got eleven +children. And a house like this can't call on a house like that without +a something to justify it." + +"That's what I thought." + +"Then what on earth did you call for?" + +"I didn't. Who said I did?" + + * * * * * + +I gave a sigh of relief. Later in the evening, when Eliza took a card, +notched a bit out of each side, and began winding silk on it, I thought +it wiser to say nothing. It is better sometimes to pretend not to see +things. + + + + +ELIZA'S MOTHER + + +I generally send Eliza to spend a day with her mother early in +December, and try to cheer her up a little. I daresay the old lady is +very lonely, and appreciates the kindly thought. The return ticket is +four-and-two, and Eliza generally buys a few flowers to take with her. +That does not leave much change out of five shillings when the day is +over, but I don't grudge the money. Eliza's mother generally tries to +find out, without precisely asking, what we should like for a Christmas +present. Eliza does not actually tell her, or even hint it--she would +not care to do anything of that sort. But she manages, in a tactful +sort of way, to let her know. + +For instance, the year before last Eliza's mother happened to say, "I +wonder if you know what I am going to give you this Christmas." + +Eliza said, "I can see in your eye, mother, and you sha'n't do it. It's +much too expensive. If other people can do without silver salt-cellars, +I suppose we can." + +Well, we got them; so that was all right. But last year it was more +difficult. + + * * * * * + +You see, early in last December I went over my accounts, and I could +see that I was short. For one thing, Eliza had had the measles. Then I +had bought a bicycle, and though I sold it again, it did not, in that +broken state, bring in enough to pay the compensation to the cabman. I +was much annoyed about that. It was true I ran into the horse, but it +was not my fault that it bolted and went into the lamp-post. As I said, +rather sharply, to the man when I paid him, if his horse had been +steady the thing would never have happened. He did not know what to +answer, and made some silly remark about my not being fit to ride a +mangle. Both then and at the time of the accident his language was +disrespectful and profane. + +However, I need not go further into that. It is enough to say that we +had some unusual expenses, and were distinctly short. + +"I don't blame you, Eliza," I said. "Anything you have had you are very +welcome to." + +"I haven't had anything, except the measles," she said; "and I don't +see how you can blame me for that." + +"But," I said, "I think it's high time you paid a visit to your mother, +and showed her that we have not forgotten her. Take some Swiss +roll--about sixpennyworth. Try to make things seem a little brighter to +her. If she says anything about Christmas, and you saw your way to +getting a cheque from her this year instead of her usual present, you +might do that. But show her that we are really fond of her--remember +she is your mother, and has few pleasures. A fiver just now would make +a good deal of difference to me, and even a couple of sovereigns would +be very handy." + + * * * * * + +When Eliza came back, I saw by her face that it was all right. + +"I didn't have to say anything," she said. "Mother told me of her own +accord that she knew that you had money troubles, and that she was +going to take advantage of the Christmas season to relieve you from +them in a way which at another time you might be too proud to accept." + +"That," I said, warmly, "is very thoughtful of her, and very delicate, +and it can only mean one thing. It settles me. This year, Eliza, we +will give your mother a present. Quite a trifle, of course--about two +shillings. It will be a token, and she will value it." + +When I returned from the city I found that Eliza had purchased a small +white vase for one-and-ten. The man in the shop had told her that it +was alabaster. I had my doubts about that, but it was quite in my own +taste--rather severe and classical. I complimented Eliza on her choice. + +Three days before Christmas I got a letter from Eliza's mother. She +said that she had been afraid that I was worrying about my debt to her +of £4 13_s._ 9_d._ She took advantage of the Christmas season to return +my I.O.U.'s, and begged me to consider the debt as paid. + +It was not at all what I had expected. + + * * * * * + +"No," I said to Eliza at breakfast, "I am not in the least like a bear +with a sore head, and I will thank you not to use the expression. As +for your mother's kindness, I am glad you think it kindness. I wouldn't +have it otherwise. If you weren't a born idiot you wouldn't think so. +My debt to your mother would have been discharged by--discharged in due +course. By reminding me that I owed her money, she has practically +dunned me for it, and forced me to pay her at a most inconvenient time. +She comes badgering me for her dirty money at Christmas, and you call +it 'kindness!' Kindness! Hah! Oh, hah, hah!" + +"Don't make those silly noises, and get on with your breakfast!" said +Eliza. + +Afterward she asked me if I still meant to send her mother that little +vase. + +"Oh, yes!" I said. "We can afford it; it's nothing to us." + +Eliza, entirely misunderstanding the word that I next used, got up and +said that she would not stop in the room to hear her poor mother sworn +at. + +"The word I used," I said, calmly, "was alabaster, and not what you +suppose." + +"You pronounced it just like the other thing." + +"I pronounced it in an exclamatory manner," I replied, "from contempt! +You seem to me very ready to think evil. This is not the first time!" + +Eliza apologized. As a matter of fact, I really did say alabaster. But +I said it emphatically, and I own that it relieved my feelings. + +We keep the silver salt-cellars in the drawer of Eliza's wardrobe as a +general rule. I should prefer to use them every day, or at any rate +every Sunday. But Eliza says that they make work. + +"Mother has written to me," she said on the following day, "to say that +she will dine with us on Christmas Day. I had better get the silver +salt-cellars down." + +"You'd better _put them up_," I said, meaningly. I know that sounds +rather bitter, but I confess that I have always had a weakness for the +wit that stings. + +Well, it did not actually come to that. They allowed me to draw a +couple of pounds in advance at the office. I suppose they know that +when they have got a good man it is worth while to stretch a point to +keep him. Not that I was at all dictatorial--apparently I asked it as a +favour. But I fancy our manager saw that I was not a man to be played +with. + +Eliza's mother dined with us, and brought a couple of ducks. +Conscience, I should say. + +At the moment of writing my financial position is absolutely sound, and +even if Eliza's mother forced me to use her present to me to pay my +debt to her (£7 19_s._ 5_d._), though I might think it dishonourable on +her part, I should not be seriously inconvenienced. However, Eliza is +going early in December to suggest sauce-boats (plated). That is to +say, she may possibly mention them if any occasion arises. + + + + +MISS SAKERS + + +On Saturdays I always get back from the office early. This particular +Saturday afternoon I looked at our chimneys as I came down the street. +I thought it very queer, but, to make certain, as soon as I got into +the house I opened the drawing-room door. It was just as I thought. I +called up-stairs to Eliza, rather sharply. + +She came down and said, "Well, what's the matter?" + +I said, calmly, "The matter? Jane has apparently gone mad, that's all." +(Jane is the name of our servant.) + +Eliza said that she did not think so, and asked me what the girl had +done. + +I must say it made me feel rather sarcastic--it would have made any man +feel sarcastic. I said, "Oh, nothing. Merely lit the fire in the +drawing-room; and not only lit it, but piled coals on it. It is not +Sunday, so far as I am aware." It is our rule to have the drawing-room +fire lit on Sundays only. We are rather exclusive, and some other +people seem to be rather stuck-up, and between the two we do not have +many callers. If any one comes, it is always perfectly easy for Eliza +to say, "The housemaid has foolishly forgotten to light the fire here. +Shall we not step into the dining-room?" I hate to see anything like +waste. + +"At this very moment," I added, "the drawing-room fire is flaming +half-way up the chimney. It seems we can afford to burn half a ton of +coals for nothing. I cannot say that I was aware of it." + +"You _are_ satirical!" said Eliza. "I always know when you are being +satirical, because you move your eyebrows, and say, 'I am aware,' +instead of 'I know.' I told Jane to light the fire myself." + +"May I ask why?" + +"Miss Sakers is coming in. She sent me a note this morning to say so." + +"That puts a different complexion on the affair. Very tactful of her to +have announced the intention. I do not grudge a handful of firing when +there is a reason. I only ask that there shall be a reason." Miss +Sakers is the vicar's daughter. Strictly speaking, I suppose her social +position is superior to our own. I know for a fact that she has been to +county balls. She seemed anxious to cultivate an intimacy with us, so I +gathered. I was not absurdly pleased about it. One has one's dignity. +Besides, at the office we frequently see people far above Miss Sakers. +A nobleman who had called to see one of the partners once remarked to +me, "Your office is a devilish long way from everywhere!" There was no +particular reason why he should have spoken to me, but he seemed to +wish it. After that, it was no very great thing that Miss Sakers seemed +anxious to know us better. At the same time, I do not pretend that I +was displeased. I went into the drawing-room and put some more coal on. + +"Is it to be a party?" I asked. + +"Not at all. She is coming quite as a friend." + +I went up-stairs and changed all my clothes, and then purchased a few +flowers, which I placed in vases in the drawing-room. Eliza had got two +kinds of cake; I added a plate of mixed biscuits on my own +responsibility. Beyond this, I did nothing in the way of preparation, +wishing to keep the thing as simple and informal as possible. + + * * * * * + +The tea was quite a success. Miss Sakers was to have a stall at the +bazaar in aid of the new church. I promised her five shillings at +first, but afterward made it seven-and-six. Though no longer young, +Miss Sakers is very pleasant in her manner. + +After tea Miss Sakers and Eliza both did needlework. Miss Sakers was +doing a thing in crewels. I could not see what Eliza was doing. She +kept it hidden, almost under the table. + +To prevent the conversation from flagging, I said, "Eliza, dear, what +are you making?" + +She frowned hard at me, shook her head slightly, and asked Miss Sakers +about the special preacher for Epiphany Sunday. + +I at once guessed that Eliza was doing something for Miss Sakers' stall +at the bazaar, and had intended to keep it secret. + +I smiled. "Miss Sakers," I said, "I do not know what Eliza is making, +but I am quite sure it is for you." + +There was a dead silence. Miss Sakers and Eliza both blushed. Then Miss +Sakers said, without looking at me, "I think you are mistaken." + +I felt so sure that I was mistaken that I blushed, too. + +Eliza hurriedly hid her work in the work-basket, and said, "It is very +close in here. Let me show you round our little garden." + +They both went out, without taking any notice of me. Not having had +much tea, I cut myself another slice of cake. While I was in the middle +of it, Miss Sakers and Eliza came back, and Miss Sakers said good-bye +to me very coldly. I offered to raise my bazaar donation to ten +shillings, but she did not seem to have heard me. + + * * * * * + +"How could you say that?" said Eliza, when Miss Sakers had gone. "It +was most tactless--and not very nice." + +"I thought you were doing something for the bazaar. What were you +making, then?" + +She did not actually tell me, but she implied it in a delicate way. + +"Well," I said, "of course I wouldn't have called attention to it if I +had known, but I don't think you ought to have been doing that work +when Miss Sakers was here." + +"I've no time to waste, and I always make mine myself. I was most +careful to keep them hidden. You are very tactless." + +"I don't think much of that Miss Sakers," I said. "Why should we go to +this expense," pointing to the cakes, "for a woman of that kind?" + + + + +THE ORCHESTROME + + +The orchestrome was on Lady Sandlingbury's stall at the bazaar. Her +ladyship came up to Eliza in the friendliest way, and said, "My dear +lady, I am convinced that you need an orchestrome. It's the sweetest +instrument in the world, worth at least five pounds, and for one +shilling you have a chance of getting it. It is to be raffled." Eliza +objects, on principle, to anything like gambling; but as this was for +the Deserving Inebriates, which is a good cause, she paid her shilling. +She won the orchestrome, and I carried it home for her. + + * * * * * + +Six tunes were given with the orchestrome; each tune was on a slip of +perforated paper, and all you had to do was to put in a slip and touch +the spring. + +We tried it first with "The Dandy Coloured Coon." It certainly played +something, but it was not right. There was no recognizable tune about +it. + +"This won't do at all," I said. + +"Perhaps that tune's got bent or something," said Eliza. "Put in +another." + +I put in "The Lost Chord" and "The Old Folks at Home," and both were +complete failures--a mere jumble of notes, with no tune in them at all. +I confess that this exasperated me. + +"You see what you've done?" I said. "You've fooled away a shilling. +Nothing is more idiotic than to buy a thing without trying it first." + +"Why didn't you say that before, then?" said Eliza. "I don't believe +there's anything really wrong with it--just some little thing that's +got out of order, and can be put right again." + +"Wrong! Why, it's wrong all through. Not one scrap of any of the tunes +comes out right. I shall take it back to Lady Sandlingbury at once." + +"Oh, don't do that!" + +But my mind was made up, and I went back to the bazaar, and up to Lady +Sandlingbury's stall. Eliza wouldn't come with me. + +"I beg your ladyship's pardon," I said, "but your ladyship supplied me +with this orchestrome, and your ladyship will have to take it back +again." + +"Dear me! what's all the trouble?" + +I started the instrument, and let her hear for herself. She smiled, and +turned to another lady who was helping her. The other lady was young, +and very pretty, but with a scornful kind of amused expression, and a +drawling way of speaking--both of which I disliked extremely. + +"Edith," said Lady Sandlingbury, "here's this angry gentleman going to +put us both in prison for selling him a bad orchestrome. He says it +won't work." + +"Doesn't matter, does it?" said the other lady. "I mean to say, as long +as it will play, you know." At this rather stupid remark they both +laughed, without so much as looking at me. + +"I don't want to make myself in any way unpleasant, your ladyship," I +said; "but this instrument was offered for raffle as being worth five +pounds, and it's not worth five shillings." + +"Come, now," said Lady Sandlingbury, "I will give you five shillings +for it. There you are! Now you can be happy, and go and spend your +money." I thanked her. She took the orchestrome and started it, and it +played magnificently. Nothing could have been more perfect. "These +things do better," she said, "when you don't put the tunes in wrong end +first, so that the instrument plays them backwards." + +"I think your ladyship might have told me that before," I said. + +"Oh! you were so angry, and you didn't ask me. Edith, dear, do go and +be civil to some people, and make them take tickets for another +raffle." + +"I call this sharp practice," I said, "if not worse, and----" + +Here the other lady interrupted me. + +"Could you, please, go away, unless you want to buy something? Thanks, +so much!" + +[Illustration: "_Could you, please, go away?_"] + +I went. I am rather sorry for it now. I think it would have been more +dignified to have stopped and defied them. + +Eliza appeared to think that I had made myself ridiculous. I do not +agree with her. I do think, however, that when members of the +aristocracy practise a common swindle in support of a charity, they go +to show that rank is not everything. If Miss Sakers happens to ask us +whether we are going to the bazaar in support of the Deserving +Inebriates next year, I have instructed Eliza to reply: "Not if Lady +Sandlingbury and her friend have a stall." I positively refuse to meet +them, and I do not care twopence if they know it. + + + + +THE TONIC PORT + + +We do a large export trade (that is, the firm does), and there are +often samples lying about in the office. There was a bottle of Tarret's +Tonic Port, which had been there some time, and one of the partners +told the head clerk that he could have it if he liked. Later in the day +the head clerk said if a bottle of Tarret's Tonic Port was any use to +me I might take it home. He said he had just opened it and tasted it, +because he did not like to give anything away until he knew if it was +all right. + +I thanked him. "Tastes," I said, "just like any ordinary port, I +suppose?" + +"Well," he said, "it's more a tonic port than an ordinary port. But +that's only what you'd expect from the label." + +"Quite so," I said--"quite so." I looked at the label, and saw that it +said that the port was peculiarly rich in phosphates. I put the bottle +in my bag that night and took it home. + + * * * * * + +"Eliza," I said, "I have brought you a little present. It is a bottle +of port." Eliza very rarely takes anything at all, but if she does it +is a glass of port. In this respect I admire her taste. Port, as I have +sometimes said to her, is the king of wines. We decided that we would +have a glass after supper. That is really the best time to take +anything of the kind; the wine soothes the nerves and prevents +insomnia. + +Eliza picked the bottle up and looked at the label. "Why," she said, +"you told me it was port!" + +"So it is." + +"It says tonic port on the label." + +"Well, tonic port practically _is_ port. That is to say, it is port +with the addition of--er--phosphates." + +"What are phosphates?" + +"Oh, there are so many of them, you know. There is quinine, of course, +and magnesium, and--and so on. Let me fill your glass." + +She took one very little sip. "It isn't what I should call a pleasant +wine," she said. "It stings so." + +"Ah!" I said, "that's the phosphates. It would be a little like that. +But that's not the way to judge a port. What you should do is to take a +large mouthful and roll it round the tongue,--then you get the aroma. +Look: this is the way." + +I took a large mouthful. + +When I had stopped coughing I said that I didn't know that there was +anything absolutely wrong with the wine, but you wanted to be ready for +it. It had come on me rather unexpectedly. + +Eliza said that very likely that was it, and she asked me if I would +care to finish my glass now that I knew what it was like. + +I said that it was not quite a fair test to try a port just after it +had been shaken about. I would let the bottle stand for a day or two. +Ultimately I took what was left in Eliza's glass and my own, and +emptied it into the garden. I did this because I did not want our +general servant to try it when she cleared away, and possibly acquire a +taste for drink. + +Next morning I found that two of our best geraniums had died during the +night. I said that it was most inexplicable. Eliza said nothing. + + * * * * * + +A few nights afterward, Eliza asked me if I thought that the tonic port +had stood long enough. + +"Yes," I said; "I will decant it for you, and then if Miss Sakers calls +you might say carelessly that you were just going to have a glass of +port, and would be glad if she would join you." + +"No, thank you," she said; "I don't want to deceive Miss Sakers." + +"You could mention that it was rich in phosphates. There need be no +deception about it." + +"Well, then, I don't want to lose the few friends we've got." + +"As you please, Eliza. It seems a pity to waste more than half a bottle +of good wine." + +"Bottle of what?" + +"You heard what I said." + +"Well, drink it yourself, if you like it." + + * * * * * + +Some weeks afterward I found the bottle of Tarret's Tonic Port still +standing in the sideboard. I gave it to our servant, explaining to her +that it would be best mixed with water. There was still the risk of her +acquiring drinking habits, but I could think of no one else to give it +to. That night Eliza found the girl crying in the kitchen. When Eliza +asked what was the matter, she said that she would rather say nothing, +but that she was wishful to leave at the end of her month. + +Of course Eliza blamed me, but I had told the girl as distinctly as I +could speak that it was a wine which required dilution. However, Eliza +persuaded her to stay on. The girl took the pledge on the following +day, and seemed changed in many ways. She put the bottle back in the +sideboard; there was still more than half of it left. + + * * * * * + +After that nothing happened with reference to the tonic port, until one +day I noticed that our cat (who had recently lost her kittens) seemed +in a poor state of health. I gave it a few spoonfuls of the tonic port +in a little milk. It drank it with avidity, somewhat to my surprise. I +had one or two little things to do in the garden after that, and when I +came back Eliza said that the cat had become so very strange in its +manner that she had thought it best to lock it in the coal-cellar. + +I went to look at it, and found it lying on its back, dead. It had a +singularly happy expression on its face. Both Eliza and myself were +very sorry to lose it. + +[Illustration: "_It had a singularly happy expression on its face._"] + +I judged it best to say nothing about the port. But the bottle had gone +from the sideboard. Eliza said that she had removed it, to prevent +further accidents. + +I told the head clerk about it, but he only laughed in the silliest +way. He is a most ill-bred man, in my opinion. + + + + +THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE + + +One of our younger clerks, a man of the name of Perkins, is said to be +very well connected. He certainly spends more than his salary, and +rarely wears the same trousers on two consecutive days. But I am not a +snob, nor one who thinks much of these things, and I had never +cultivated young Perkins. Consequently it rather surprised me when he +introduced me to his friend, the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount. Then I +remembered what had been said about Perkins's connections. + + * * * * * + +The Hon. Eugene Clerrimount was a handsome young man, though apparently +troubled with pimples. His manner had in it what I should call dash. +There was not an ounce of affectation about him; but then high rank +does not need affectations--I have always noticed that. He appeared to +take rather a liking to me, and insisted that we must all three go out +and have a drink together. This is a thing which I really never do, but +on this occasion I allowed myself to be persuaded. Not liking to +mention beer, I said that I would take a glass of sherry wine. Nothing +could have been more friendly and pleasing than his behaviour toward +me; there was nothing at all stuck-up about him. It turned out that, +after all, the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount had forgotten his purse, and +Perkins happened to have no money on him; I therefore paid for the +drinks, and also lent the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount half a crown for his +cab; it was, indeed, quite a pleasure to do so. He thanked me warmly, +and said that he should like to know me better. Might he call at my +house on the following Saturday afternoon? As luck would have it, I +happened to have a card on me, and presented it to him, saying that it +would indeed be an honour. "Thanks," he replied, "and then I can repay +you this half-sovereign, or whatever it is." "Only four shillings," I +replied, "and pray do not mention it." + +[Illustration: _The Gentleman of Title._] + + * * * * * + +Eliza was certainly less pleased than myself when she heard that the +Hon. Eugene Clerrimount was coming. She said that he might be all +right, or he might not, and we did not know anything about him. I +replied: "One does not know anything about anybody in that rank of +life. It is not necessary." + +"Oh!" she said. "Isn't it? Well, I don't happen to be an earl myself." + +And, really, on the Saturday morning I had the greatest difficulty to +get Eliza to take a little trouble with the drawing-room, though I +asked for nothing more than a thorough dusting, chrysanthemums, and the +blinds up. For the tea I offered to make myself entirely responsible. +There was some doubt as to whether the girl should announce him as the +Hon. Mr. Clerrimount, or the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount, or Mr. Hon. +Clerrimount. "She'd better do all three, one after the other," said +Eliza, snappishly. I obviated the difficulty by telling the girl, as +she opened the drawing-room door, merely to say, "A gentleman to see +you." I am rather one for thinking of these little ways out of +difficulties. + +Eliza wanted to know what time he was coming. I replied that he could +not come before three or after six, because that would be against +etiquette. + +"Suppose he came at five minutes to three by accident," said Eliza. +"Would he sit on our doorsteps until the clock struck, and then ring +the bell?" I was really beginning to lose patience with Eliza. + +However, by three o'clock I had Eliza in the drawing-room, with a +magazine and paper-knife by her side, as if she had been reading. She +was really darning socks, but they could easily be concealed in an +empty art flower-pot when the front bell rang. + + * * * * * + +We sat in the drawing-room until six, but, strangely enough, the Hon. +Eugene Clerrimount never came. The trifle that I had spent on the +Madeira cake and macaroons was nothing, but it did wound my feelings +that he had not even thought it worth while to explain his inability to +keep his appointment. + +And on the Monday I said to Perkins, rather sharply: "There was that +matter of four shillings with your friend. I've not received the money, +and I should thank you to see about it." + +"What?" said Perkins. "You ask my friend and me to come and drink with +you, and then want me to dun him for the money to pay for it. Well, I +_am_ blowed!" + +Oh, the whole thing was most unsatisfactory and incomprehensible! + + + + +THE HAT + + +I had long believed that all was not right with my hat. I could prove +nothing, but I had no doubt in my own mind that the girl took liberties +with it. It is very easy to brush a silk hat the wrong way, for +instance, but silk hats do not brush themselves the wrong way; if it is +done, some one must have done it. Morning after morning I found marks +on my hat which I could not account for. Well, I said nothing, but I +made up my mind to keep my eyes open. It was not only the injury to the +hat--it was the impertinence to myself that affected me. + +One Saturday afternoon, while I was at home, a costermonger came to the +door with walnuts. The girl answered the bell, and presently I saw the +coster and his cart go past the dining-room window. I don't know why it +was, or how it was, but a suspicion came over me. I stepped sharply to +the door, and looked out into the passage. There was no one there. The +front door was open, and the kitchen door was open, and in a position +between the two, against the umbrella-stand, was--something worse than +ever I had expected. + +I picked that hat up just as it was, with the walnuts inside it, and +placed it on the dining-room table. Then I called to Eliza to come +down-stairs. + +"What is it?" she asked, as she entered the dining-room. + +I pointed to the hat. "This kind of thing," I said, "has been going on +for years!" + +"Oh, do talk sense!" she said. "What do you mean?" + +"Sense!" I said. "You ask me to talk sense, when I find my own hat +standing on the floor in the hall, and used as a--a receptacle for +walnuts!" + +She smiled. "I can explain all that," she said. + +"I've no doubt you can. I'm sick to death of explanations. I give ten +or eleven shillings for a hat, and find it ruined. I know those +explanations. You told the girl to buy the walnuts, and she had got +nothing else to put them in, and the hat was handy; but if you think I +take that as an excuse, you make a mistake." + +"I wasn't going to say that at all." + +"Or else you'll tell me that you can paste in a piece of white paper, +so that the stains on the lining won't show. Explanations, indeed!" + +"And I wasn't going to say that, either." + +"I don't care what you were going to say. I won't hear it. There's no +explanation possible. For once I mean to take a strong line. You see +that hat? I shall never wear it again!" + +"I know that." + +"No one shall wear it! I don't care for the expense! If you choose to +let that servant-girl ruin my hat, then that hat shall be ruined, and +no mistake about it!" + +I picked the hat up, and gave it one sound, savage kick. My foot went +through it, and the walnuts flew all over the room. At the same moment +I heard from the drawing-room a faint tink-tink-tink on the piano. + +[Illustration: "_I picked the hat up, and gave it one sound, savage +kick._"] + +"Yes," said Eliza. "That's the piano-tuner. He came at the same time as +the walnut-man, and bought those walnuts. And he put them in his hat. +_His_ hat, mind you, not _your_ hat. Your hat's hanging up in the +usual place. You might have seen it if you'd looked. Only you're----" + +"Eliza," I said, "you need say no more. If that is so, the servant-girl +is much less to blame than I had supposed. I have to go out now, but +perhaps you'd drop into the drawing-room and explain to the tuner that +there's been some slight misunderstanding with his hat. And, I say, a +glass of beer and two shillings is as much as you need offer." + + + + +MY FORTUNE + + +The girl had just removed the supper things. We have supper rather +early, because I like a long evening. "Now, Eliza," I said, "you take +your work,--your sewing, or whatever it may be,--and I will take my +work. Yes, I've brought it with me, and it's to be paid as overtime. I +daresay it mayn't seem much to you,--a lot of trouble, and only a few +shillings to show for it, when all's said and done,--but that is the +way fortunes are made, by sticking at it, by plugging into it, if I may +use the term." + +"The table's clear, if you want to start," said Eliza. + +"Very well," I replied, and fetched my black bag from the passage to +get the accounts on which I was working. I always hang the bag on the +peg in the passage, just under my hat. Then it is there in the morning +when and where it is wanted. Method in little things has always been +rather a motto of mine. + +"It has sometimes struck me, Eliza," I said, as I came back into the +dining-room, with the bag in my hand, "that you do not read so much as +I should like to see you read." + +"Well, you asked me to take my work, and these socks are for you, and I +never know what you do want." + +"I did not mean that I wanted you to read at this moment. But there is +one book--I cannot say exactly what the title is, and the name of the +author has slipped my memory, which I should like to see in your hands +occasionally, because it deals with the making of fortunes. It +practically shows you how to do it." + +"Did the man who wrote it make one?" asked Eliza. + +"That--not knowing the name of the man--I cannot say for certain." + +"Well, I should want to know that first. And aren't you going to +start?" + +"I can hardly start until I have unlocked my bag, and I cannot unlock +my bag until I have the keys, and I cannot have the keys until I have +fetched them from the bedroom. Try to be a little more reasonable." + +I could not find the keys in the bedroom. Then Eliza went up, and she +could not find them, either. By a sort of oversight they were in my +pocket all the time. I laughingly remarked that I knew I should find +them first. Eliza seemed rather pettish, the joke being against +herself. + +"The reason why I mentioned that book," I said, as I unlocked the bag, +"is because it points out that there are two ways of making a fortune. +One is, if I may say so, my own way,--by method in little things, +economy of time, doing all the work that one can get to do, and----" + +"You won't get much done to-night, if you don't start soon," said +Eliza. + +"I do not like to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence. The other +way by which you may make a fortune--well, it's not making a fortune. +It's that the fortune makes you, if you understand me." + +"I don't," said Eliza. + +"I mean that the fortune may come of itself by luck. Luck is a very +curious thing. We cannot understand it. It's of no use to talk about +it, because it is quite impossible to understand it." + +"Then don't let's talk about it, especially when you've got something +else to do." + +"Temper, temper, Eliza! You must guard against that. I was not going to +talk about luck. I was going to give you an instance of luck, which +happened to come within my own personal experience. It is the case of a +man of the name of Chumpleigh, in our office, and would probably +interest and amuse you. I do not know if I have ever mentioned +Chumpleigh to you." + +"Yes, you've told me all about him several times." + +I might have mentioned Chumpleigh to Eliza, but I am sure that I have +never told her all about him. However, I was not going to sulk, and so +I told her the story again. The story would not have been so long if +she hadn't interrupted me so frequently. + +When I had finished, she said that it was time to go to bed, and I had +wasted the evening. + +I owned that possibly I had been chatting rather longer than I had +intended, but I would still get those accounts done, and sit up to do +them. + +"And that means extra gas," she said. "That's the way money gets +wasted." + +"There are many men in my place," I said, "who would refuse to sit down +to work as late as this. I don't. Why? On principle. Because it's +through the cultivation of the sort of thing that I cultivate one +arrives at fortune. Think what fortune would mean to us. Big house, +large garden, servants, carriages. I should come in from a day with the +hounds, and perhaps say I felt rather done up, and would like a glass +of champagne. No question of expense--not a word about it--money no +object. You'd just get the bottle out of the sideboard, and I should +have my glass, and they'd finish it in the kitchen, and----" + +"_Are_ you going to begin, or are you not?" asked Eliza. + +"This minute," I replied, opening the black bag. I examined the +contents carefully. + +"Well," I said, "this is a very strange occurrence indeed--most +unaccountable! I don't remember ever to have done anything of the kind +before, but I seem to have forgotten to bring that work from the city. +Dear me! I shall be forgetting my head next." + +Eliza's reply that this would be no great loss did not seem to me to be +either funny, or polite, or even true. "You strangely forget yourself," +I replied, and turned the gas out sharply. + + + + +SHAKESPEARE + + +I led up to it, saying to Eliza, not at all in a complaining way, "Does +it not seem to you a pity to let these long winter evenings run to +waste?" + +"Yes, dear," she replied; "I think you ought to do something." + +"And you, too. Is it not so, darling?" + +"There's generally some sewing, or the accounts." + +"Yes; but these things do not exercise the mind." + +"Accounts do." + +"Not in the way I mean." I had now reached my point. "How would it be +if I were to read aloud to you? I don't think you have ever heard me +read aloud. You are fond of the theatre, and we cannot often afford to +go. This would make up for it. There are many men who would tell you +that they would sooner have a play read aloud to them than see it acted +in the finest theatre in the world." + +"Would they? Well--perhaps--if I were only sewing it wouldn't interrupt +me much." + +I said, "That is not very graciously put, Eliza. There is a certain art +in reading aloud. Some have it, and some have not. I do not know if I +have ever told you, but when I was a boy of twelve I won a prize for +recitation, though several older boys were competing against me." + +She said that I had told her before several times. + +I continued: "And I suppose that I have developed since then. A man in +our office once told me that he thought I should have done well on the +stage. I don't know whether I ever mentioned it." + +She said that I had mentioned it once or twice. + +"I should have thought that you would have been glad of a little +pleasure--innocent, profitable, and entertaining. However, if you think +I am not capable of----" + +"What do you want to read?" + +"What would you like me to read?" + +"Miss Sakers lent me this." She handed me a paper-covered volume, +entitled, "The Murglow Mystery; or, The Stain on the Staircase." + +"Trash like this is not literature," I said. However, to please her, I +glanced at the first page. Half an hour later I said that I should be +very sorry to read a book of that stamp out loud. + +"Then why do you go on reading it to yourself?" + +"Strictly speaking, I am not reading it. I am glancing at it." + +When Eliza got up to go to bed, an hour afterward, she asked me if I +was still glancing. I kept my temper. + +"Try not to be so infernally unreasonable," I said. "If Miss Sakers +lends us a book, it is discourteous not to look at it." + +On the following night Eliza said that she hoped I was not going to sit +up until three in the morning, wasting the gas and ruining my health, +over a book that I myself had said-- + +"And who pays for the gas?" + +"Nobody's paid last quarter's yet. Mother can't do everything, and----" + +"Well, we can talk about that some other time. To-night I am going to +read aloud to you a play of Shakespeare's. I wonder if you even know +who Shakespeare was?" + +"Of course I do." + +"Could you honestly say that you have ever read one--only one--of his +tragedies?" + +"No. Could you?" + +"I am going to read 'Macbeth' to you, trying to indicate by changes in +my voice which character is speaking." I opened the book. + +Eliza said that she couldn't think who it was took her scissors. + +"I can't begin till you keep quiet," I said. + +"It's the second pair that's gone this week." + +"Very well, then," I said, shutting up the book with a bang, "I will +not read aloud to you to-night at all. You may get along as you can +without it." + +"You're sure you didn't take those scissors for anything?" she replied, +meditatively. + + * * * * * + +"Now then," I said, on the next night, "I am ready to begin. The +tragedy is entitled 'Macbeth.' This is the first scene." + +"What is the first scene?" + +"A blasted heath." + +"Well, I think you might give a civil answer to a civil question. There +was no occasion to use that word." + +"I didn't." + +"You did. I heard it distinctly." + +"Do let me explain. It's Shakespeare uses the word. I was only quoting +it. It merely means----" + +"Oh, if it's Shakespeare I suppose it's all right. Nobody seems to mind +what _he_ says. You can go on." + +I read for some time. Eliza, in reply to my question, owned that she +had enjoyed it, but she went to bed before her usual time. + + * * * * * + +When I was preparing to read aloud on the following evening, I was +unable to find our copy of Shakespeare. This was very annoying, as it +had been a wedding-present. Eliza said that she had found her scissors, +and very likely I should find the Shakespeare some other night. + +But I never did. I have half thought of buying another copy, or I dare +say Eliza's mother would like to give us it. Eliza thinks not. + + + + +THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM + + +"Eliza," I said one evening, "do you think that you are fonder of me +than I am of you, or that I am fonder of you than you are of me?" + +She answered, "What is thirteen from twenty-eight?" without looking up +from the account-book. + +"I do think," I said, "that when I speak to you you might have the +civility to pay some little attention." + +She replied, "One pound fifteen and two, and I hope you know where we +are to get it from, for I don't. And don't bang on the table in that +silly way, or you'll spill the ink." + +"I did not bang. I tapped slightly from a pardonable impatience. I put +a plain question to you some time ago, and I should like a plain answer +to it." + +"Well, what do you want to talk for when you see I am counting? Now, +what is it?" + +"What I asked was this. Do I think--I mean, do you think--that I am +fonder of me--no, you are fonder of I--well, I'll begin again. Which of +us two would you say was fonder of the other than the other was of +the--dash it all, you know what I mean!" + +"No, I don't, but it's nothing to swear about." + +"I was not swearing. If you don't know what I mean, I'll try to put it +more simply. Are you fonder than I am? There." + +"Fonder of what?" + +"Fonder of each other." + +"You mean is each of us fonder of the other than the other is of--of +the each?" + +"I mean nothing of the kind. Until you muddled it the thing was +perfectly clear. Well, we two are two, are we not?" + +"Of course I know that, but----" + +"Wait a minute. I intend that you shall understand me this time. Which +of those two would you say was fonder of the other than the other was +of the other, or would you say that each was as fond of the other as +the other one was? Now you see it." + +"Almost. Say it again." + +"Would you say that in your opinion neither of us were fonder of the +other than both were of each, or that one was fonder of the other than +the other was of the first, and if so, which?" + +"Now you've made it worse than ever. I don't believe you know what you +mean yourself. Do come to supper and talk sense." + + * * * * * + +I smiled cynically as I sat down to supper. "This doesn't surprise me +in the least," I remarked. "I never yet knew a woman who could argue, +or even understand the first step in an argument, and I don't suppose I +ever shall." + +"Well," said Eliza, "you can't argue until you know what you are +talking about, and I don't know what you're talking about, and you +don't seem to know yourself, or, if you do, you're too muddled to tell +anybody. If you want to argue, argue about one pound fifteen and two. +It's Griffiths, and been sent in three times already." + +"Don't shirk it, Eliza. Don't try to get away from it. I asked you +which of us you thought was the fonder of the other, and you couldn't +understand it." + +"Why, of course, I understand _that_. Why didn't you say so before?" + +"As far as I remember, those were my precise words." + +"But they weren't! What you said was, 'If neither of us was fonder of +both than each is of either, which of the two would it be?' or +something of the kind." + +"Now, how could I talk such absolute nonsense?" + +"Ah!" she said; "when men lose their temper they never know what +they're saying!" + +I had a very good answer to that, but just at the moment the girl +brought in the last post. There was a letter from Eliza's mother. There +was also an enclosure in postal orders quite beyond anything I had +expected, and she expressed a hope that they might enable us "to defray +some of the expenses incidental to the season." As far as my own +personal feeling is concerned, I should have returned them at once. In +some ways I daresay that I am a proud man. I have been told so. But the +poor old lady takes such pleasure in giving, and she has so little +other enjoyment, that I should have been reluctant to check her. In +fact, taking the money as evidence of her affection, I was pleased. So +was Eliza. + +"Pay Griffiths's twopenny-halfpenny account to-morrow," I said, "and +tell him that he has lost our patronage for ever." + + * * * * * + +We did not recur to the original question. Personally, I should say +that in the case of two people it might very well happen that, though +at one time the affection of one for the other might be greater than +the affection which the other had for the one which I originally +mentioned at the same time, yet at some other time the affection which +the other one had for the other might be just as much greater than the +affection which the first one had for the second, as the difference was +in the first instance between the two. At least, that is the general +drift of what I mean. Eliza would never see it, of course. + + + + +THE DAY OFF + + +On the occasion of the marriage of our junior partner to Ethel Mary, +only surviving daughter of William Hubblestead, Esq., J.P., of +Banlingbury, by the Canon of Blockminster, assisted by the Rev. Eugene +Hubblestead, cousin of the bride--on this occasion the office was +closed for the whole of one day, and the staff had a holiday without +deduction of salary. + +The staff had presented six silver (hallmarked) nutcrackers, and a +handsomely bound volume of Cowper's Poetical Works. The latter was my +own suggestion; there was a sum of eight shillings over after the +purchase of the nutcrackers, and I have always had a partiality for +Cowper. The junior partner thanked us personally, and in very warm +terms; at the same time he announced that the following Thursday was to +be treated as a holiday. + + * * * * * + +The weather was glorious, and I have never had a more enjoyable day. +The girl laid breakfast overnight, and we rose at half-past five. By +half-past six Eliza had cut some mutton sandwiches and placed them in a +basket with a bottle of milk--the milkman having obliged with a +specially early call by appointment. A brief journey by train, and by a +quarter-past seven we were at Danstow for our day off in the country. + +Danstow is a picturesque little village, and looked beautiful in the +hot sunlight. I was wearing a fairly new summer suit, with brown boots. +As I remarked to Eliza, it would probably have created a feeling of +surprise among the villagers if they had learned that, as a rule, my +professional duties took me to the city in the morning. + +Eliza said: "All right. What do we do here?" + +"Why," I said, "there's the old church. We mustn't miss that." + +We went and examined the old church. Then we went twice up and down the +village street, and examined that. + +"Well," said Eliza, "what next?" + +"Now," I replied, "we just stroll about and amuse ourselves. I feel +particularly light-hearted." + +"That's breakfasting at six, that is," said Eliza. "If you could find a +quiet place, we might have a sandwich." + +We went a little way along the road, and I espied a field which seemed +to me to look likely. I said to a passer-by: "I am a stranger here. Can +you tell me whether there would be any objection to our sitting in that +field?" He said, in rather an offensive and sarcastic way, that he +believed the field was open for sitting in about that hour. I did not +give him any reply, but just opened the gate for Eliza. + +We sat down under the hedge, and finished our sandwiches and milk. The +church clock struck nine. + +"What train do we go back by?" asked Eliza. + +"Not until half-past nine to-night. There's a day for you!" + +"Twelve hours and a half," said Eliza. "And we've done the sandwiches, +and done the milk, and done the church, and there's nothing else to +do." + +"Except amuse ourselves," I added, as I took off my boots, which had +pained me slightly. I then dozed off. + + * * * * * + +Eliza woke me to say that she had read all the newspaper the sandwiches +were wrapped in, and picked some wild flowers, and the flowers had +died, and she wanted to know what the time was. It was just past +eleven. + +She said: "Oh, lor!" + +I soon dropped off again. + +When I woke, at half-past twelve, Eliza was not there. She returned in +a few minutes, and said that she had been doing the church over again. + +"That was hardly necessary," I observed. + +"Oh, one must do something, and there's nothing else to do." + +"On the contrary, there's luncheon. We'll have that at once, so as to +give us a good long afternoon." + +"The afternoon will be long enough," she said. If I had not known that +she was having a day's enjoyment, I should have thought that she seemed +rather dejected in her manner. + + * * * * * + +The luncheon at the village inn was not expensive. Eliza said that +their idea of chops was not her idea; but all the same she seemed +inclined to spin the thing out and make it last as long as possible. I +deprecated this, as I felt that I could not very well take my boots off +again until I had returned to the field. + +"Very well, then," she said. "Only let's go back slowly." + +"As slowly as you like," I replied. "It's the right boot principally; +but I prefer to walk slowly." + +When we had resumed our old position under the hedge, and I had removed +my boots, I said: + +"Now, then, I think I've earned a pipe and a short nap. You amuse +yourself in any way you like." + +"Do _what_ with myself?" she asked, rather sharply. + +She walked twice round the field, and then I fell off to sleep. It +turned out afterward that she also did the picturesque old church for +the third time, and went over a house which was to let, refusing to +take it on the ground that there was no bath-room. This was rather +dishonest, as she would not have taken it if there had been a +bath-room, or even two bath-rooms. I would not do that kind of thing +myself. I awoke about tea-time. The charge for tea at the inn was very +moderate, though Eliza said that there was tea which was tea, and tea +which was an insult. + +Eliza found that there was a train back at half-past six, and said she +was going by it, whether I did or not, because it was a pity to have +too much of a good thing, and she hadn't the face to ask for the keys +of that church again. I accompanied her. I fancy that the brown leather +is liable to shrink in the sun, and I was not unwilling to get back to +my slippers and stretch myself out on the sofa. + +There is nothing like a long day in the country; quite apart from the +enjoyment, you feel that it is doing you so much good. I am sorry that +Eliza did not seem to enter into the spirit of the thing more. + + + + +THE MUSHROOM + + +We were at breakfast one morning in the summer when the girl entered +rather excitedly and said that to the best of her belief there was a +mushroom coming in the little lawn in front of the house. It seemed a +most extraordinary thing, and Eliza and I both went out to look at it. +There was certainly something white coming through the turf; the only +question was, whether or not it was a mushroom. The girl seemed certain +about it. "Why," she said, "in my last place mushrooms was frequent. +You see, being wealthy, they had anything they fancied. If I didn't +know about mushrooms, I ought to!" There is a familiarity in that +girl's manner which to my mind is highly objectionable. The +establishment where she was formerly employed was apparently on a scale +that we do not attempt. That does not justify her, however, in +continually drawing comparisons. I shall certainly have something to +say to her about it. + + * * * * * + +However, it was not about Jane that I intended to speak, but about the +mushroom. + +Eliza said that I ought to put a flowerpot over the mushroom, because, +being visible from the road, some one might be tempted to come in and +steal it. But I was too deep for that. "No," I replied, "if you put an +inverted plant-pot there everybody will guess that you are hiding a +mushroom underneath it. Just put a scrap of newspaper over it." + +"But that might get blown away!" + +"Fasten down one corner of it with a hairpin." + +Eliza said that I was certainly one to think of things. I believe there +is truth in that. On my way to the station I happened to meet Mr. +Bungwall's gardener (a most obliging and respectful man), and had a +word with him about the mushroom. He said that he would come round in +the evening and have a look at it. + + * * * * * + +I was pleased to find (on my return) that the mushroom was still in the +garden under the newspaper, and had increased slightly in size. + +"This," I said to Eliza, "is very satisfactory." + +"It would make a nice little present to send to mother," Eliza +observed. + +There I could not entirely agree with her. I pointed out that in a +week's time I should probably be applying to her mother for a small +temporary loan. I did not think it an honourable thing to attempt to +influence her mind beforehand by sending a present. I wished her to +approach the question of the loan purely in a business spirit. I added +that I thought we would leave the mushroom to grow for one more day, +and then have it for breakfast. That ultimately was decided upon. + +Then Mr. Bungwall's gardener arrived, and said that he was sorry to +disappoint us in any way, and it was not his fault, but the mushroom +was a toadstool. + +"This," I said to Eliza, "is something of a blow." + +"Perhaps," she said, "Mr. Bungwall's gardener is mistaken." + +"I fear not. But, however, I happened to mention about that mushroom to +our head clerk this morning, and he said that he thoroughly understood +mushrooms, and had made a small profit by growing them. To-morrow +morning I will pick that toadstool or mushroom, as the case may be, +take it up to the city, and ask him about it." + +Eliza agreed that this would be the best way. + + * * * * * + +But at breakfast next morning she seemed thoughtful and somewhat +depressed. I asked her what she was thinking about. + +"It's like this," she said. "If your head clerk says that our toadstool +is a mushroom, while Mr. Bungwall's gardener says that our mushroom is +a toadstool, we sha'n't like to eat it because of Mr. Bungwall's +gardener, and we sha'n't like to throw it away because of your head +clerk, and I don't see what to do with it." + +"You forget, my dear. We have a third opinion. Jane says the mushroom +is a mushroom." + +"Jane will say anything." + +"Well, we might put her to the test. We might ask her if she'd like to +eat the mushroom herself, and then if she says yes and seems pleased, +why, of course we'd eat it. I'll go and pick it now." + +And when I went to do so I found that the mushroom had gone. + + * * * * * + +Eliza says that Mr. Bungwall's gardener told us it was a toadstool to +keep us from picking it, and then stole it himself, because he knew +that it was a mushroom. + +That may be. I should be sorry to believe it, because I have always +found Mr. Bungwall's gardener such a very respectful man. To my mind +there is an air of mystery over the whole affair. + + + + +THE PLEASANT SURPRISE + + +I had got the money by work done at home, out of office hours. It came +to four pounds altogether. At first I thought I would use it to +discharge a part of our debt to Eliza's mother. But it was very +possible that she would send it back again, in which case the pence +spent on the postal orders would be wasted, and I am not a man that +wastes pennies. Also, it was not absolutely certain that she would send +it back. I sent her a long letter instead--my long letters are almost +her only intellectual pleasure. As for the four pounds, I reserved two +for myself, for any incidental expenses, and decided to give two to +Eliza. I did not mean simply to hand them to her, but to get up +something in the way of a pleasant surprise. + +I had tried something of the kind before. Eliza once asked me for six +shillings for a new tea-tray that she had seen. I went and stood behind +her chair, and said, "No, dear, I couldn't think of it," at the same +time dropping the six shillings down the back of her neck. Eliza said +it was a pity I couldn't give her six shillings for a tea-tray without +compelling her to go up-stairs and undress at nine o'clock in the +morning. It was not a success. + +However, I had more than one idea in my head. This time I thought I +would first find out if there was anything she wanted. + +So on Sunday at tea-time I said, not as if I were meaning anything in +particular, "Is there anything you want, Eliza?" + +"Yes," she said; "I want a general who'll go to bed at half-past nine +and get up at half-past five. If they'd only do that, that's all I +ask." + +"You will pardon me, Eliza," I said, "but you are not speaking +correctly. You said that was all that you asked. What you meant----" + +"Do you know what I meant?" + +"I flatter myself that I know precisely----" + +"Then if you know precisely what I meant, I must have spoken +accurately." + +But as we went to church I discovered that she wanted a new jacket. Her +own was trimmed rabbit, and had been good, but the fur had gone bald in +places. + + * * * * * + +Next morning I wrote on a sheet of note-paper, "To buy a new jacket. +With your husband's love." I folded the two sovereigns up in this, and +dropped the packet into the pocket of Eliza's old jacket, as it hung in +the wardrobe, not telling her what I had done. My idea was that she +would put on the jacket to go out shopping in the morning, and putting +her hand in the pocket, get a pleasant surprise. As I was leaving for +town, she asked me why I kept on smiling so mysteriously. I replied, +"Perhaps you, too, will smile before the day is over." + +On my return I found Eliza at the front door. "Come and look," she +said, cheerfully. "I have got a pleasant surprise for you." She flung +open the drawing-room door, and pointed. In the middle of the table +stood a _spiraea_, a most handsome and graceful plant. It stood in one +of the best saucers, with some coloured paper round the pot, and the +general effect was very good. I at once guessed that she had bought it +for me with the change from my present to her, and thought it showed +very good feeling in her. + +"I hope you have not given too much for this," I said. + +"I didn't give any money for it." + +"I don't understand." + +"Well, you must know I had a present this morning." + +"Of course I know." + +"Did mother tell you? Yes, she has sent me a beautiful new jacket. Then +a man came round with a barrow of plants, and he said he didn't want +money if I had any clothes to spare. So I gave him my old worn-out +jacket for this _spiraea_, and----" + +I remembered that I had seen the man with the barrow farther down the +street. + +"Excuse me for one moment, Eliza," I said, and dashed out after him. + + * * * * * + +He was a big, red-faced man, and he made no difficulty about it at all. + +"Yes," he said, "I bought that jacket, gov'ner, and I don't deny it. +There it is at the bottom of my bundle, and I ain't even looked at it +since. Nor I ain't goin' to look now. You say there was two suvreigns +in the pocket. A gent like you don't want to swindle a common man like +me. If you say the two suvreigns was there, then they're there now, and +I can return yer two pound out o' my own, in a suttunty of gettin' 'em +back out o' the jacket pocket. Bless yer! I knows an honest man when I +sees one." + +With these words he drew the money from his own waistcoat pocket, and +handed it to me. I took it with some reluctance. + +"Hadn't you better make quite certain----" + +"Not a bit," says he. "If them suvreigns were there when the jacket +were 'anded to me, they is there now. I could see as you was a man to +be trusted, otherwise I'd 'ave undone the bundle and searched long +afore this." + + * * * * * + +"What have you been doing?" said Eliza, on my return. + +"Never mind. Your mother has given you a new jacket. Let me have the +pleasure of giving you a new hat." I pressed the two coins into her +palm. + +She looked at them, and said, "You can't get a hat for a halfpenny, you +know, dear. What did you rush out for just now? And why did you have +these two farthings gilded? You'll be mistaking them for sovereigns, if +you're not careful. Were you trying to take me in?" + +I did not quite see what to say for the moment, and so I took her +suggestion. I explained that it was a joke. + +"You don't look much as if you were joking." + +"But I was. I suppose I ought to know if any man does. However, Eliza, +if you want a new hat, anything up to half a sovereign, you've only to +say it." + +She said it, thanked me, and asked me to come and help her water the +_spiraea_. + +"It's such a shapely _spiraea_," she said. + +"Yes," I answered sadly, "it's a regular plant." And so it was, though +I had not been intending what the French call a _double entendre_ at +the time. + + + + +THE MOPWORTHS + + +I must say that both Eliza and myself felt a good deal of contempt for +the Mopworths. We had known them for three years, and that gave us a +claim; Peter Mopworth was a connection of Eliza's by marriage, and that +also gave us a claim; further, our social position gave us a claim. +Nevertheless, the Mopworths were to have their annual party on the +following Wednesday, and they had not invited us. + +"Upon my soul," I exclaimed, "I never in my life heard of anything so +absolutely paltry." + +"I can't think why it is," said Eliza. + +"Oh, we're not good enough for them. We all know who his father was, +and we all know what he is--a petty provincial shopkeeper! A gentleman +holding important employment in one of the principal mercantile firms +in the city isn't good enough for him. If I'm permitted to clean his +boots I'm sure I ought to be thankful. Oh, yes! Of course! No doubt!" + +"You do get so sarcastic," observed Eliza. + +"That's nothing--nothing to what I should be if I let myself go. But I +don't choose to let myself go. I don't think he's worth it, and I don't +think she's worth it either. It's a pity, perhaps, that they don't know +that they're making themselves ridiculous, but it can't be helped. +Personally, I sha'n't give the thing another thought." + +"That's the best thing to do," said Eliza. + +"Of course it is. Why trouble one's head about people of that class? +And, I say, Eliza, if you meet that Mopworth woman in the street, +there's no occasion for you to recognize her." + +"That would look as if we were terribly cut up because we hadn't been +asked to their party." + +"Possibly. Whereas, I don't even consider it worth talking about." + +We discussed the Mopworths and their party for another hour and a half, +and then went to bed. + + * * * * * + +"Lying awake last night," I said at breakfast next morning, "I couldn't +help thinking over the different things we have done for those +serpents." + +"What serpents?" + +"Those contemptible Mopworths. I wonder if they have any feelings of +shame? If they have, they must blush when they think of the way they +have treated us." + +"I can't think why they've left us out. Perhaps it's a mistake." + +"Not a bit of it. I've been expecting this for some time. Of course he +has made money. I don't say--I would rather _not_ say--how he has made +it. But it seems to have turned his head. However, after this I shall +probably never mention him again." + +Eliza began to talk about the weather. I told her that Mopworth had +done things which, personally, I should have been very sorry to do, and +that I should be reluctant to adopt his loud style of dress. + +"But, of course," I added, "no gentleman ever does dress like that." + +Eliza said that if I intended to catch my train I had better start. + +I started. + + * * * * * + +On my return I said to Eliza that, though the whole subject was +distasteful to me, there was one point to which I had given a few +moments' consideration. Reluctant though I was to sully my lips with +the name of Mopworth, I felt it a duty to myself to say that even if +the Mopworths had asked us to their annual party I should have refused +point-blank. + +"Really?" said Eliza. This annoyed me slightly. She ought to have seen, +without being told, that it was impossible for people like us to +continue to know people like them. + +"I am accustomed," I replied, "to say just exactly what I mean. As far +as I can remember, I have lately more than once asked you to drop the +Mopworths. If I have not actually done it, it has been in my mind to do +so. They are connected to us by marriage, and I am not unduly proud, +but still I feel that we must draw the line somewhere. I do not care to +have Mopworth bragging about the place that he is on intimate terms +with us." + +"Well," said Eliza, "there aren't such a lot of people who ever ask us +to anything. Miss Sakers is friendly, of course, especially when there +are subscriptions on for the bazaar or the new organ, but she doesn't +carry it to that point." + +"Quite so," I said, "and I'm by no means certain about Miss Sakers. She +may be all right. I hope she is. But I candidly confess that I by no +means like her manner." + +At this moment the girl brought in a note, delivered by hand, from Mrs. +Mopworth. It said that she had sent an invitation to Eliza but had had +no reply. She felt so certain that the invitation must have been +delayed in the post (which was not surprising, considering the season), +that she had ventured to write again, though it might be against +etiquette. She hoped that we should both be able to come, and said that +on the previous occasion I had been the life and soul of the party. + +"Well," I said, "Eliza, what would you like to do?" + +"Oh, I'm going!" she replied. + +"Then if you insist, I shall go with you. I've never had a word to say +against Mrs. Mopworth. It is true that _he_ is not in every particular +what--well, what I should care to be myself. Possibly he has not had my +advantages. I do not want to judge him too harshly. My dress clothes +are put away with my summer suit in the second drawer in the box-room. +Just put them to the fire to get the creases out. And, Eliza, write a +friendly note to Mrs. Mopworth, implying that we had never heard of the +party. I saw from the first that the omission was a mistake." + +Eliza went away smiling. Women are so variable. + + + + +THE PEN-WIPER + + +Eliza always works me some little pretty trifle for my birthday, and +always has done so since the day when I led her to the hymeneal altar. +But it is not done at all as a matter of course. During the days before +my birthday, when she is working at the present, she keeps a clean +handkerchief by her side, and flings it over the work to hide it when I +enter the room. This makes it more of a surprise when the day comes. As +a rule, I whistle a few bars in a careless way before entering the +room, so as to give her plenty of time to get the work under the +handkerchief. There is no definite arrangement about this. I merely do +what good taste dictates. Last year, instead of the handkerchief, she +kept a large table-napkin by her side when she was working. However, +though I did not tell her so, this let the secret out. I knew that she +must be doing me a pair of slippers. + + * * * * * + +This year, on my birthday, when I came down to breakfast, I found +placed before me the hot-water plate with the tin cover to it--a very +useful article when there happens to be an invalid in the house. + +Eliza, bending down behind the tea-cosy to hide her smile, told me to +be quick with my breakfast, in rather a censorious voice. I lifted the +tin cover, and there on the plate was the pen-wiper which Eliza had +made for me. + +This rather graceful and amusing way of giving a present is not really +Eliza's own invention. I did it some years ago when I gave her a +pincushion. As the pincushion was made to imitate a poached egg (and +really very like), perhaps the humour in that instance had rather more +point. However, I do not say this at all to find fault with Eliza. I am +rather one to think of novelties, and if Eliza cares to copy any of +them, so much the better. + + * * * * * + +The top and bottom of the pen-wiper which Eliza had made for me were of +black velvet, which always has a handsome look to my mind. On the top +was worked in gold beads, "Kindly clean the pen." The interior was +composed of several folds of very pale shades of art muslin. Only the +day before Messrs. Howlett & Bast had refused to send any more +patterns, as the last lot sent had not been returned, though twice +applied for. I understood that now. + +However, it made a very good pen-wiper, in pleasant, simple taste, and +I thanked Eliza for it several times most warmly. At my suggestion it +was placed on the centre-table in the drawing-room. One never wrote +there, but it seemed naturally to belong to the drawing-room. + + * * * * * + +So far, my birthday had gone happily enough. In the evening, when I +returned from the city, I sat down to write a short, sharp note to +Messrs. Howlett & Bast. I explained to them that by their impertinence +they were running a grave risk of entirely losing my custom, and +suggested to them that the lot of patterns to which they referred might +very possibly have been lost in the post. + +When I had finished the letter, I wiped my pen on the inside of my +coat. This is my general custom. Some men wipe their pens on their +hair,--not a very cleanly habit, in my opinion,--besides, unless the +colour of the hair is exceptionally dark, the ink shows. + +I had no sooner wiped my pen on the inside of my coat than I remembered +Eliza's present. Determined to show her that I appreciated it, I took a +full dip of ink, stepped into the drawing-room, and wiped the pen on +the new pen-wiper. Then I called up-stairs: "Eliza, I have just found +your present very useful. Would you like to come and look?" She +happened to be fastening something up the back at the time, but she +came down a minute afterward. + +She picked up the pen-wiper, looked at it, exclaimed "Ruined!" and then +walked rapidly out of the room. I followed her, and asked what was the +matter. + +It appeared that the words, "Kindly clean the pen," meant that the pen +was to be cleaned on a scrap of paper before the pen-wiper was used. +Eliza said that I might have known that the pretty muslin was not +intended to be a perfect mess of ink. + +"Well," I said, "I didn't know. That's all there is to say about it." + +But it was not, apparently, all that there was to say about it. In +fact, the whole thing cast an unpleasant shade over the evening of my +birthday. Finally I took a strong line, and refused to speak at all. + + + + +THE 9.43 + + +In the course of conversation on Saturday evening it had transpired +that Eliza had never been in St. Paul's Cathedral. "Then," I said, "you +shall go there to-morrow morning; I will take you." + +"I'm sure I'm agreeable," said Eliza. + +On the Sunday morning one or two little things had happened to put me +out. At breakfast I had occasion to say that the eggs were stone-cold, +and Eliza contradicted me. It was very absurd of her. As I pointed out +to her, what earthly motive could I have for saying that an egg was +cold if it was not? What should I gain by it? Of course she had no +answer--that is, no reasonable answer. Then after breakfast I broke my +boot-lace in two places. No, I was not angry. I hope I can keep my +temper as well as most men. But I was in a state of mind bordering on +the irritable. + + * * * * * + +Eliza came down-stairs, dressed for going out, asked me why I was not +ready, and said we should miss the 9.43. + +"Indeed!" said I. "And what, precisely, might you mean by the 9.43?" + +"I mean, precisely, the train which leaves here for the city at +seventeen minutes to ten." + +"One of your usual mistakes," I replied. "The train is 9.53, and not +9.43." + +"Have you a time-table?" she asked. + +"No." + +"Because if you had a time-table I could show you that you are wrong. +Why, I _know_ it's the 9.43." + +"If I had a time-table I could show you most certainly that it is the +9.53. Not that you'd believe it, even then. You're too obstinate, +Eliza--too certain of yourself!" + + * * * * * + +"Look here!" I observed, after she had argued that point at some +length, "let us come back to the original subject of discussion. Which +of us travels most to and from London? That is the reasonable way to +settle it." + +"You do, on week-days. But you never go on Sundays, and the Sunday +trains are different." + +"I am fully aware of the difference. Every day I am thrown into +constant contact with the time-tables. Only last night I was looking at +them at the station. As far as I know, my memory is not going." + +"No more is mine." + +"Really? A week ago I purchased and brought home six new collars. They +are not marked. Why? Because you forgot them! At this very moment that +I am speaking to you I am wearing an unmarked collar." + +"Yes; but I only forgot them one day." + +"Then why did you not mark them on the other days?" + +"Because on the other days you forgot to bring home the marking-ink." + +"'M, yes," I said. "In a sense that is true. I have my own business to +attend to in the city without always thinking about marking-ink. But +what has that got to do with it? And why bring it in? We are not +talking about marking-ink; we are talking about trains!" + +She said that I began it, and of course I pointed out to her that I had +done nothing of the kind. + + * * * * * + +We argued for some little time as to which of us had begun it, and then +Eliza said, in her spiteful way-- + +"We are not talking about which of us began it; we are talking about +trains!" + +"It's very little use talking to you about trains. I know you're wrong! +I would stake my life, cheerfully, that it is 9.53, and not 9.43. But +you'd never own you're wrong; you're too obstinate for that!" + +"Of course I don't own I'm wrong, because I'm not wrong! That would be +silly!" she added, reflectively. "Even if it was 9.53, I shouldn't be +wrong. All I said was, that we should miss the 9.43. Well, if there is +no 9.43, we cannot catch it; and what you don't catch, you miss!" + +"Absurd nonsense! If you do not catch scarlet fever, you do not say +that you miss it!" + +She replied: "We are not talking about scarlet fever; we are talking +about trains!" + +"Bah!" I exclaimed. I should have added more, but at this moment the +clock on the dining-room mantelpiece struck ten. + + + + +THE CONUNDRUMS + + +I had bought the little book at the station stall, and it seemed to be +very well worth the sixpence which I paid for it. It was entitled +"Everybody's Book of Bright and Original Conundrums." Of course I had +an idea in my head in buying the book; I am not the man to throw away +my money to no purpose. I thought that these conundrums would be not +only a pleasant amusement, but also a valuable intellectual exercise to +Eliza and myself during the winter evenings. Then we could use them for +social purposes during the Christmas party season. I do not know how it +may be with others, but I have often found, when introduced to a lady, +that I have said "Good evening," and then had absolutely nothing else +to say. With the help of the conundrum book I would fill in any awkward +pause by asking her who was the most amiable king in history. That +would break the ice. Besides, if we kept the book reasonably clean, it +might afterward make a very serviceable and acceptable present to +Eliza's mother. I generally know pretty well what I am doing, I think. +I looked at two or three of the conundrums on the way home. There was +one which I do not remember precisely, but remarkably clever--something +about training the shoot and shooting the train. I often wonder who it +is who thinks of these things. + + * * * * * + +I was, perhaps, rather unfortunate in the evening when I brought the +book home. Something may have occurred to put Eliza out; she was +inclined to be quite sharp with me. I asked her, gaily, in the passage +when I came in, "Can you tell me, dearest, the difference between a +camel and a corkscrew? If not, here is a little volume which will +inform you." + +"Oh, yes! One's used for drawing corks, and the other isn't. You +needn't have wasted sixpence on a rubbishy book to tell me that." + +"But your answer is not the correct one," I replied. "The correct +answer contains a joke. Think again." + +"Well, I can't, then. I've got the wash to count." + +I said that the wash could wait, but she would not appear to hear me, +and went off up-stairs. + + * * * * * + +At supper I took occasion to say: + +"You answered me very tartly when I asked you this afternoon for the +difference between a camel and a corkscrew. Perhaps you would not have +done so had you known that I bought that book with the intention of +sending it as a present to your mother." + +"Do you think ma would care about it?" + +"I think it would cheer her lonely hours. There are upwards of a +thousand conundrums in the book. I have only read twelve, but I found +them all exceedingly amusing, and, at the same time, perfectly +refined." + +"Well, I don't see the good of them." + +"They are an intellectual exercise, if you try to guess the right +answer." + +"I don't believe anybody ever did or ever will guess the right answer." + +"If I had time," I said, "I believe I could generally think out a witty +answer myself. I do not want to boast, but I believe so." + +"Very well, then," said Eliza, snatching up the book and opening it at +random, "here's one for you. 'If a lady slipped down the steps of St. +Paul's Cathedral, what would she say?' Give me the answer to that." + +"I will try to," I replied. + +Now, just at the moment when Eliza put the question I felt that I had +really got the answer, and then it seemed to pass away from me. Later +in the evening I was certainly on the right track, when Eliza dropped +her scissors, and the noise again put me off. I spent a very poor +night; the answer kept sort of coming and going. Just as I was dropping +off to sleep, I seemed to have thought of the answer, and then I would +wake up to be sure of it, and find it had slipped me again. + +As I was leaving the office, in the evening, after thinking till my +head ached without arriving at any result, I put the question to one of +our clerks. I thought he might possibly know. + +"No," he said, "I don't know what a lady would say if she slipped down +those steps. I could make a fair guess at what a man would say, if +that's any good to you." Of course it was not. + +So, on my return home, I told Eliza that I had not had enough time to +spare to think of the answer, and I should be glad to know where she +had put the book. + +"Oh, I sent that to mother!" she said. "I thought you wanted it sent." + +"You might have waited until you knew whether I had finished with it. +But, however, what was the answer to that silly riddle?" + +"The one about St. Paul's Cathedral? That wasn't in the book at all. I +made up the question out of my own head for fun." + +"Then," I replied, "all I can say is, that your idea of fun is not +mine. It seems to me to be acting a lie. It was not a conundrum at +all." + +"It would have been if you could have thought of an answer." + +"Say no more," I replied, coldly. "I prefer to drop the subject." + + + + +THE INK + + +The ink-pot contained a shallow sediment, with short hairs, grit, and a +little moisture in it. It came out on the pen in chunks. When I had +spoiled the second postcard, Eliza said I was not to talk like that. + +"Very well, then," I said, "why don't you have the ink-pot refilled? +I'm not made of postcards, and I hate waste." + +She replied that anybody would think I was made of something to hear me +talk. I thought I had never heard a poorer retort, and told her so. I +did not stay to argue it further, as I had to be off to the city. On my +return I found the ink-pot full. "This," I thought to myself, "is very +nice of Eliza." I had a letter I wanted to write, and sat down to it. + +I wrote one word, and it came out a delicate pale gray. I called Eliza +at once. I was never quieter in my manner, and it was absurd of her to +say that I needn't howl the house down. + +"We will not discuss that," I replied. "Just now I sat down to write a +letter----" + +"What do you want to write letters for now? You might just as well have +done them at the office." + +I shrugged my shoulders in a Continental manner. "You are probably not +aware that I was writing to your own mother. She has so few pleasures. +If you do not feel rebuked now----" + +"I don't think mamma will lend you any more if you do write." + +"We will not enter into that. Why did you fill the ink-pot with water?" + +"I didn't." + +"Then who did?" + +"Nobody did. I didn't think of it until tea-time, and then--well, the +tea was there." + +I once read a story where a man laughed a low, mirthless laugh. The +laugh came to me quite naturally on this occasion. "Say no more," I +said. "This is contemptible. Now I forbid you to get the ink--I will +get it myself." + + * * * * * + +On the following night she asked me if I had bought that ink. I +replied, "No, Eliza; it has been an exceptionally busy day, and I have +not had the time." + +"I thought you had forgotten it, perhaps." + +"I supposed you would say that," I said. "In you it does not surprise +me." + + * * * * * + +A week later Eliza said that she wanted to do her accounts. "I am glad +of that," I said. "Now you will know the misery of living without ink +in the house." + +"No, I sha'n't," she said, "because I always do my accounts in pencil." + +"About three months ago I asked you to fill that ink-pot with ink. Why +is it not done?" + +"Because you also definitely forbade me to get any ink to fill it with. +And you said you'd get it yourself. And it wasn't three months ago." + +"I always knew you could not argue, Eliza," I replied. "But I am sorry +to see that your memory is failing you as well." + + * * * * * + +On the next day I bought a penny bottle of ink and left it behind me in +an omnibus. There was another bottle (this must have been a week later) +which I bought, but dropped on the pavement, where it broke. I did not +mention these things to Eliza, but I asked her how much longer she was +going to cast a shade over our married life by neglecting to fill the +ink-pot. + +"Why," she said, "that has been done days and days ago! How can you be +so unjust?" + + * * * * * + +It was as she had said. I made up my mind at once to write to Eliza's +mother--who, rightly or wrongly, considers that I have a talent for +letter-writing. I felt happier now than I had done for some time, and +made up my mind to tell Eliza that I had forgiven her. I wrote a long, +cheerful letter to her mother, and thought I would show it to Eliza +before I posted it. I called up-stairs to her, "Come down, darling, and +see what I've done." + +Then I sat down again, and knocked the ink-pot over. The ink covered +the letter, the table, my clothes, and the carpet; a black stream of it +wandered away looking for something else to spoil. + +Then Eliza came down and saw what I had done. To this day she cannot +see that it was partly her own fault. The bottle, of course, was too +full. + + + + +THE PUBLIC SCANDAL + + +I am not a landlord. It suits my purpose better, and is in every way +more convenient, to rent a small house on a yearly agreement. But if I +were a landlord, I would not allow any tenant of mine to do anything +that tended to undermine and honeycomb the gentility of the district. I +should take a very short method with such a tenant. I should say to him +or her: "Now, then, either this stops, or you go out this instant." +That would settle it. However, I am not a landlord. + +Even as a tenant I take a very natural interest in the district in +which I live. I chose the district carefully, because it was +residential, and not commercial. The houses are not very large, and +they might be more solidly built, but they are not shops. They have +electric bells, and small strips of garden, and a generally genteel +appearance. Two of the houses in Arthur Street are occupied by +piano-tuners, and bear brass plates. I do not object to that. +Piano-tuning is a profession, and I suppose that, in a way, I should be +considered a professional man myself. Nor do I object to the letting of +apartments, as long as it is done modestly, and without large, vulgar +notice-boards. But the general tone of the district is good, and I do +most strongly object to anything which would tend to lower it. + + * * * * * + +It was, as far as I remember, on the Tuesday evening that Eliza rather +lost her temper about the hairpins, and said that if I kept on taking +them and taking them she did not see how she was to do her hair at all. + +This seemed to me rather unjust. I had not taken the hairpins for my +own pleasure. The fact is that the waste-pipe from the kitchen sink +frequently gets blocked, and a hairpin will often do it when nothing +else will. I replied coldly, but without temper, that in future I would +have hairpins of my own. + +She said: "What nonsense!" + +At this I rose, and went up-stairs to bed. + +I think that most people who know me know that I am a man of my word. +On the following morning, before breakfast, I went into the High Street +to buy a pennyworth of hairpins. The short cut from our road into the +High Street is down Bloodstone Terrace. + +It was in Bloodstone Terrace that I witnessed a sight which pained and +surprised me very much. It disgusted me. It was a disgrace to the +district, and amounted to a public scandal. St. Augustine's--which is +the third house in the terrace--had taken in washing, and not only had +taken in washing, but were using their front garden as a drying-ground! +An offensive thing of that kind makes my blood boil. + + * * * * * + +"Eliza," I said, as I brushed my hat preparatory to leaving for the +city, "I intend to write to Mr. Hamilton to-day." + +"Have you got the money, then?" Eliza asked, eagerly. + +"If you refer to last quarter's rent, I do not mean to forward it +immediately. A certain amount of credit is usual between landlord and +tenant. An established firm of agents like Hamilton & Bland must know +that." + +"Yesterday was the third time they've written for the money, anyhow, +and you can say what you like. What are you writing for, then?" + +"I have a complaint to make." + +"Well, I wouldn't make any complaints until I'd paid last quarter, if I +were you. They'll only turn you out." + +"I think not. I make the complaint in their interest. When a tenant in +Bloodstone Terrace is acting in a way calculated to bring the whole +neighbourhood into disrepute, and depreciate the value of house +property, the agents would probably be glad to hear of it." + +"Well, you're missing your train. You run off, and don't write any +letters until to-night. Then you can talk about it, if you like." + +In the evening, at supper, Eliza said she had been down Bloodstone +Terrace, and could not see what I was making all the fuss about. + +"It is simply this," I said. "St. Augustine's is converted into a +laundry, and the front garden used as a drying-ground in a way that, to +my mind, is not decent." + +"Yes," said Eliza, "that's Mrs. Pedder. The poor woman has to do +something for her living. She's just started, and only got one job at +present. It would be cruel----" + +"Not at all. Let her wash, if she must wash, but let her wash somewhere +else. I cannot have these offensive rags flapping in my face when I +walk down the street." + +"They're not offensive rags. I'm most particular about your things." + +"What do you mean?" + +"It's your things that she washes. I thought I'd give her a start." + +I dashed off half a glass of beer, put the glass down with a bang, and +flung myself back in the chair without a word. + +"Don't behave in that silly way," said Eliza. "She's a halfpenny +cheaper on the shirt than the last woman." + +"You need not mention that," I replied. "In any case I shall not +complain now. I must bear the burden of any mistakes that you make. I +am well aware of it." + +"I'll tell her to hang them out at the back in future." + +"She can hang them where she pleases. I suppose I can bear it. It's +only one more trial to bear. One thing goes after another." + +"On the contrary," said Eliza, "she's never lost as much as a collar. +There's a smut on your nose." + +"It can stop there," I said, moodily, and went out into the garden. + + + + +THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR" + + +The "Christian Martyr" was what is called an engraving, and a very +tasteful thing, too, besides being the largest picture we had. It +represented a young woman, drowned, floating down a river by night, +with her hands tied, and a very pleasing expression on her face. With +the frame (maple, and a gilt border inside) it came to three-and-six. I +bought it in the Edgware Road on my own responsibility, and carried it +home. I thought Eliza would like it, and she did. + +"Poor thing!" she said. "You can see she must have been a lady, too. +But frightfully dusty!" + +"You can't get everything for three-and-six. If you'd been under the +counter in a dirty little----" + +"Well, all right! I wasn't complaining; but I like things clean." And +she took the "Christian Martyr" into the kitchen. + + * * * * * + +"Where did you mean to put it?" asked Eliza. + +"The only good place would be between 'The Charge of the Light Brigade' +and 'The Stag at Bay.'" + +"What! In the dining-room?" + +"Certainly." + +"Well, I shouldn't," said Eliza. "It's a sacred subject, and we use the +drawing-room on Sundays. That's the place." + +"I think I can trust my own taste," I said. I got a brass-headed nail +and a hammer, and began. Eliza said afterward that she had known the +chair would break before ever I stood on it. + +"Then you might have mentioned it," I said, coldly. "However, you shall +learn that when I have made up my mind to do a thing, I do it." I rang +the bell, and told the girl to fetch the steps. + +I hung the "Christian Martyr," and was very pleased with the effect. +The whole room looked brighter and more cheerful. I asked Eliza what +she thought, and she answered, as I expected, that the picture ought to +have been in the drawing-room. + +"Eliza," I said, "there is one little fault which you should try to +correct. It is pigheadedness." + + * * * * * + +At breakfast next morning the picture was all crooked. I put it +straight. Then the girl brought in the bacon, rubbed against the +picture, and put it crooked again. I put it straight again, and sat +down. The girl, in passing out, put it crooked once more. + +"Really," I said to Eliza, "this is a little too much!" + +"Then put some of it back." + +"I was not referring to what I have on my plate, but to that girl's +conduct. I don't buy 'Christian Martyrs' for her to treat them in that +way, and I think you should speak about it." + +"She can't get past without rubbing against it. You've put it so low. I +said it would be better in the drawing-room." + +As usual, I kept my temper. + +"Eliza," I said, "have you already forgotten what I told you last +night? We all of us--even the best of us--have our faults, but +surely----" + +"While you're talking you're missing your train," she said. + + * * * * * + +On my return from the city I went into the dining-room and found the +picture gone. Eliza was sitting there as calmly as if nothing had +happened. + +"Where is the 'Christian Martyr'?" I asked. + +"On the sofa in the drawing-room. You said yourself that it was only in +the way in here. I thought you might like to hang it there." + +"I am not angry," I said, "but I am pained." Then I fetched the +"Christian Martyr" and put it in its old place. + +"You are a funny man," said Eliza; "I never know what you want." + + * * * * * + +As we were going up to bed that night we heard a loud bang in the +dining-room. The "Christian Martyr" was lying on the floor with the +glass broken. It had also smashed a Japanese teapot. + +"I wish you'd never bought any 'Christian Martyr,'" said Eliza. "If +we'd had a mad bull in the place it couldn't have been worse. I'm sure +I'm not going to buy a new glass for it." + +So next day I bought a new glass myself in the city, and brought it +back with me. But apparently Eliza had changed her mind, for a new +glass had already been fitted in, and it was hanging in the +dining-room, just where it had been before. + +As a reward to Eliza I took it down and put it up in the drawing-room. +She smiled in a curious sort of way that I did not quite like. But I +thought it best to say nothing more about it. + + + + +THE PAGRAMS + + +Properly speaking, we had quarrelled with the Pagrams. + +We both lived in the same street, and Pagram is in the same office as +myself. For some time we were on terms. Then one night they looked in +to borrow--well, I forget now precisely what it was, but they looked in +to borrow something. A month afterward, as they had not returned it, we +sent round to ask. Mrs. Pagram replied that it had already been +returned, and Pagram--this was the damning thing--told me at the office +in so many words that they had never borrowed it. Now, I hate anything +like deception. So does Eliza. For two years or more Eliza and Mrs. +Pagram have met in the street without taking the least notice of each +other. I speak to Pagram in the office--being, as you might say, more +or less paid to speak to him. But outside we have nothing to do with +each other. + + * * * * * + +It was on Wednesday morning, I think, at breakfast, that Eliza said: + +"I've just heard from Jane, who had it from the milkman--Mrs. Pagram +had a baby born last night." + +"Well, that," I observed, "is of no earthly interest to us." + +"Of course it isn't. I only just mentioned it." + +"Is it a boy or girl?" + +"A girl. I only hope she will bring it up to speak the truth." + +I replied that she might hope what we did not expect. So far Eliza had +taken just exactly the tone that I wanted. But as I watched her, I saw +her expression change and her underlip pulled down on one side, as it +were. + +"Well," I said rather sharply, "what is it? These people are nothing to +us." + +"No. But--it reminded me--our little girl--my baby--that died. And I----" + +Here she put down her knife and fork, got up, and walked to the window. +There she stood, with her back to me. + +I had a mind to speak to her about the foolishness of recalling what +must be very upsetting to her. But I said nothing, and began to brush +my silk hat briskly. It was about time that I was starting for the +city. + +I went out. + +Then I came back, kissed Eliza, and went out again. + + * * * * * + +I was a little surprised to find Pagram at the office. + +"I should have thought you'd have taken a day off," I said. + +"Can't afford that just now," he replied, in rather a surly way. + +"All well at home?" + +"No." + +"By my watch," I said, "that office clock's five minutes slow. What do +you make it?" + +"Don't know. Left my watch at home." + +I had noticed that he was not wearing his watch. Later in the day I had +some more conversation with him. He is quite my subordinate at the +office, and I really don't know why I should have taken so much notice +of him. + + * * * * * + +When I came back that night I was in two minds whether to tell Eliza or +not. She hates anything like extravagance, and if I told her I felt +sure she would be displeased. At the same time, if I did not tell her, +and she found it out afterward, she would be still more displeased. +However, I decided to say nothing about it. I was a little nervous on +the point, and I own that my conscience reproached me. + +As I came into the hall, Eliza came down the staircase. She was dressed +for going out, and had a basket in her hand. She said: "I want you to +let me go over to the Pagrams to see if I can do anything. She and the +baby are both very ill,--the nurse has had no sleep,--they've no one +else to help them. And--and I'm going!" + +"Now, do you think this is necessary, Eliza?" I began. "When you come +to consider the position we've taken up with regard to the Pagrams for +two years, and the scandalous way in which they----" + +Here I stopped. The hall door was shut, and Eliza had gone, and it was +not worth while to continue. + +"Now," I thought to myself, "it's ten to one that Eliza finds me out, +and if she does, she'll probably make herself unpleasant." However, I +determined not to trouble myself about it. If it came to that, I +flattered myself that I could make myself as unpleasant as most people +when any occasion arose. + + * * * * * + +It was hours before Eliza returned. She burst into the room and said, +"They're both better, and the baby's a beauty, and I'm to go back +to-morrow afternoon." + +"Indeed!" I said. "I don't know that you're not going a little too far +with these people." + +"Do you think so? I've found you out. You didn't tell me, but Pagram +did. You lent him three pounds this morning. We can't afford that." + +"Well, well," I said; "I've managed to get some overtime work, to begin +next week. That--that'll come out all right. You ought to leave these +business matters to me. Anyhow, it's no good finding fault, and----" + +"Does Pagram generally return what's lent?" + +I lost my temper and said that I didn't care a damn! And then--just +then--I saw that she was not really displeased about it. + +"Why," she said, "you silly! I'm glad you did it. The poor things were +at their wits' end, and had got--they'd got nothing! You've saved them, +and I never have liked anything you've done half as much as this." + +Here Eliza burst into tears--which is really very unusual with her. + + + + +PROMOTION + + +How true it is, as one of our English poets has remarked, that it is +always darkest before the silver lining! + +While this little work was actually in the hands of the printers, an +incident occurred of such great and far-reaching importance that I +cannot refrain from making it the subject of an additional paper. I can +give it in one word--promotion. + +It came at a time when I was suffering from great depression and +considerable irritation, as I have already indicated in my opening +remark. It was on a Wednesday morning, and those who know me know that +invariably on Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday I put on a clean shirt. The +number may seem excessive, and perhaps out of proportion to my income, +but I own without shame that I am careful as to my personal appearance. +I must also add that I am very particularly careful--and, I think, +rightly--on the question of the airing of linen. + +All I said was that I should put on that shirt, whether Eliza liked it +or not, and that it would probably give me my death; but that it did +not matter, and perhaps the sooner it was all over the better. There +were circumstances under which life was hardly worth living, and when +one's express injunctions were continually disregarded, one began to +despair. + +Eliza spoke quite snappishly, and said that my linen was always +properly aired, and that I was too fussy. + +I replied, without losing my temper, that there was airing and airing. +Even now I cannot think that Eliza was either just or accurate. + + * * * * * + +At breakfast-time one or two other little circumstances occurred to put +me out. A teacup which is filled so full that it overflows into the +saucer is a perfect thorn in the flesh to me. So is bacon which is +burnt to a cinder. I hardly did more than mention it, but Eliza seemed +put out; she said I did nothing but find fault, and as for the bacon, I +had better go into the kitchen and find fault with the girl, for it was +the girl who had cooked it. + +"On the contrary," I said, "in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred when +a servant does wrong it is her mistress who deserves the censure." + +"Go it!" said Eliza, an expression which I do not think to be quite +ladylike. "And if a hansom-cab runs over you in Oxford Street, you go +and get the damages out of the Shah of Persia. That's the line to +take." + +This answer exasperated me by its silliness, and I had quite made up my +mind not to say another word of any kind during breakfast. Indeed, but +for the fact that I had not quite finished my bacon and that I hate +waste, I should have got up and walked out of the room there and then. + +A little later I happened to look up, and it struck me from Eliza's +face that she might be going to cry. I therefore made a point of saying +that the butter was better than we had been having lately, and that it +looked like being a fine day after all. Anything like weakness is +repellent to me, but still, when one sees that one's words have gone +home, one is justified in not pressing the matter further. + +Still, I am prepared to own that I started for the city in but low +spirits, and with no inclination to join in the frivolous conversation +that was going on in the railway carriage. On arriving at the office I +was surprised to find that Figgis, our head clerk, was not there. He +gave me the tonic port, and was inclined to be dictatorial, but I must +confess that he was always a most punctual man. I was very much +surprised. + + * * * * * + +Our senior partner, Mr. Bagshaw, came much earlier than usual,--10.30, +to be precise,--and sent for me at once. He is a big, fat man; he +speaks in short sentences, and breathes hard in between them. At the +moment of entering his room I was as certain that I was about to be +sacked as I have ever been of anything that I did not really know. I +was wrong. + +He made me sit down, glared at me, and began: + +"Yesterday evening we detained Mr. Figgis for a few minutes. At the end +of our interview with him he left this office for ever, never to +return--never!" + +I said that I was very much astonished. + +"We weren't. We've known there was a leakage. People knew what we were +doing--people who oughtn't to know. He sold information. We put on +detectives. They proved it. See?" + +I said that I saw. + +"So you've got Figgis's place for the future. See?" + +At that moment you might have knocked me down with a feather; it was so +absolutely unexpected. Give me time, and I think I can provide a few +well-chosen words suitable to the occasion as well as any man. But now +I could think of nothing to say but "Thank you." + +He went on to explain that this would mean an immediate rise of £75, +and a prospective rise of a further £75 at the end of a year if my work +was satisfactory. He said that I had not Figgis's abilities, of course, +but that a very close eye had been kept on me lately, and I had shown +myself to be honest, methodical, and careful in details. It was also +believed that I should realize the importance of a responsible and +confidential position, and that I should keep the men under me up to +the mark. + +The rest of our conversation was concerned with my new duties, and at +the close of it he handed me Figgis's keys--my own name and the office +address had been already put on the label. + +I should not be fair to myself if I did not make some reference to Mr. +Bagshaw's comparison of Figgis's abilities and my own. I will merely +state the fact that on more than one occasion Figgis has gained success +or avoided failure from suggestions made to him by myself. That he did +not give me the credit for this with the firm is precisely what I +should have expected from a man of that character. However, I have my +opportunity now, and the firm will see. + + * * * * * + +When I returned to the clerks' office I found one of the juniors +playing the fool. + +"I wish you'd stop that, please," I said, "and get on with your work." + +"Who gave you the right to give orders here?" he asked me, rudely. + +Fortunately, that was what I had expected he would say, and therefore I +had my answer ready: + +"Mr. Bagshaw did, three minutes ago, when he made me head of this +department in place of Mr. Figgis." + +And without another word I went calmly to Mr. Figgis's desk and +unlocked it. The effect was remarkable, and gave me great pleasure. +During the luncheon hour I received several congratulations, and was +pressed to partake of liquor. But I had long ago made up my mind that +if the firm ever did place me in a good and responsible position, I +would give up alcohol during business hours altogether. I carried out +that resolution, and shall continue to do so; Figgis, with all his +so-called abilities, was frequently drowsy in the afternoon. Apart from +that, I hope I was not wanting in geniality. I snatched a few moments +to telegraph to Eliza: "Meet train to-night. Very good news for you." + +On my way to the station I purchased a small bottle of champagne,--it +cost half a crown, but the price for this wine is always pretty stiff. +I also took back with me in my bag a tinned tongue and some pears. + +Eliza was waiting for me, and was obviously excited. She had guessed +what had happened. + +"Got Figgis's berth?" she said. + +"Yes. Let's get off the platform as soon as we can. Everybody's looking +at us." + +We walked home very quickly, Eliza asking questions all the way, and +looking, as I noticed, quite five years younger. After what I have said +as to my purchases, I need not add that supper that night was a perfect +banquet. + +We had a long discussion as to our future, and did not get to bed until +past eleven. I was at first in favour of taking a rather better house, +but Eliza thought we should do more wisely to spread the money over +making ourselves more comfortable generally. When she came to go into +it in detail, I found that on the whole hers was the preferable course. +New curtains for the drawing-room are to be put in hand at once. The +charwoman is to come regularly once a week. We raised the girl's wages +a pound, and she went into hysterics. Eliza has insisted that I am to +have a first-class season-ticket in future. There is much can be done +with £75. + +On the whole, about the happiest evening of my life. + + +THE END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Eliza, by Barry Pain + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ELIZA *** + +***** This file should be named 23783-8.txt or 23783-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/7/8/23783/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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