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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Eliza, by Barry Pain
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Eliza
+
+Author: Barry Pain
+
+Illustrator: Wallace Goldsmith
+
+Release Date: December 9, 2007 [EBook #23783]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ELIZA ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note: Minor typographical errors have been corrected
+without note. Dialect spellings, contractions and discrepancies have
+been retained.
+
+
+
+ELIZA
+
+_Says_ ROBERT BARR _in_ THE IDLER:--
+
+"... and as for Barry Pain's 'Eliza' I question if anything more
+d e l i c i o u s l y humourous, and of a humour so restrained, has
+been written since the time of Lamb."
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "_It was true I ran into the horse._"
+(_See page_ 24.)]
+
+
+
+
+ELIZA
+
+
+
+By
+
+BARRY PAIN
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED BY
+
+WALLACE GOLDSMITH
+
+
+
+BOSTON
+DANA ESTES & COMPANY
+PUBLISHERS
+
+
+
+_Copyright, 1904_
+BY DANA ESTES & COMPANY
+
+_COLONIAL PRESS_
+
+_Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co.
+Boston, Mass., U.S.A._
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                                       PAGE
+ELIZA'S HUSBAND                                           3
+THE CARDS                                                13
+ELIZA'S MOTHER                                           23
+MISS SAKERS                                              33
+THE ORCHESTROME                                          41
+THE TONIC PORT                                           49
+THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE                                   59
+THE HAT                                                  67
+MY FORTUNE                                               73
+SHAKESPEARE                                              81
+THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM                                     89
+THE DAY OFF                                              97
+THE MUSHROOM                                            107
+THE PLEASANT SURPRISE                                   115
+THE MOPWORTHS                                           123
+THE PEN-WIPER                                           135
+THE 9.43                                                143
+THE CONUNDRUMS                                          151
+THE INK                                                 159
+THE PUBLIC SCANDAL                                      167
+THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR"                                  175
+THE PAGRAMS                                             183
+PROMOTION                                               191
+
+
+
+
+ELIZA'S HUSBAND
+
+
+"Suppose," I said to one of the junior clerks at our office the other
+day, "you were asked to describe yourself in a few words, could you do
+it?"
+
+His answer that he could describe me in two was no answer at all. Also
+the two words were not a description, and were so offensive that I did
+not continue the conversation.
+
+I believe there are but few people who could give you an accurate
+description of themselves. Often in the train to and from the city, or
+while walking in the street, I think over myself--what I have been,
+what I am, what I might be if, financially speaking, it would run to
+it. I imagine how I should act under different circumstances--on the
+receipt of a large legacy, or if for some specially clever action I
+were taken into partnership, or if a mad bull came down the street. I
+may say that I make a regular study of myself. I have from time to time
+recorded on paper some of the more important incidents of our married
+life, affecting Eliza and myself, and I present them to you, gentle
+reader, in this little volume. I think they show how with a very
+limited income--and but for occasional assistance from Eliza's mother I
+do not know how we should have got along--a man may to a great extent
+preserve respectability, show taste and judgment, and manage his wife
+and home.
+
+The more I think about myself, the more--I say it in all modesty--the
+subject seems to grow. I should call myself many-sided, and in many
+respects unlike ordinary men. Take, for instance, the question of
+taste. Some people would hardly think it worth while to mention a
+little thing like taste; but I do. I am not rich, but what I have I
+like to have ornamental, though not loud. Only the other day the
+question of glass-cloths for the kitchen turned up, and though those
+with the red border were threepence a dozen dearer than the plain, I
+ordered them without hesitation. Eliza changed them next day, contrary
+to my wishes, and we had a few words about it, but that is not the
+point. The real point is that if your taste comes out in a matter of
+glass-cloths for the kitchen, it will also come out in antimacassars
+for the drawing-room and higher things.
+
+Again, ordinary men--men that might possibly call themselves my
+equals--are not careful enough about respectability. Everywhere around
+me I see betting on horse-races, check trousers on Sunday, the wash
+hung out in the front garden, whiskey and soda, front steps not
+properly whitened, and the door-handle not up to the mark. I could
+point to houses where late hours on Sunday are so much the rule that
+the lady of the house comes down in her dressing-gown to take in the
+milk--which, I am sure, Eliza would sooner die than do. There are
+families--in my own neighbourhood, I am sorry to say--where the
+chimneys are not swept regularly, beer is fetched in broad daylight,
+and attendance at a place of worship on Sunday is rather the exception
+than the rule. Then, again, language is an important point; to my mind
+nothing marks a respectable man more than the use of genteel language.
+There may have been occasions when excessive provocation has led me to
+the use of regrettable expressions, but they have been few. As a rule I
+avoid not only what is profane, but also anything that is slangy. I
+fail to understand this habit which the present generation has formed
+of picking up some meaningless phrase and using it in season and out of
+season. For some weeks I have been greatly annoyed by the way some of
+the clerks use the phrase "What, ho, she bumps!" If you ask them who
+bumps, or how, or why, they have no answer but fits of silly laughter.
+Probably, before these words appear in print that phrase will have been
+forgotten and another equally ridiculous will have taken its place. It
+is not sensible; what is worse, it is not to my mind respectable. Do
+not imagine that I object to humour in conversation. That is a very
+different thing. I have made humourous remarks myself before now,
+mostly of rather a cynical and sarcastic kind.
+
+I am fond of my home, and any little addition to its furniture or
+decorations gives me sincere pleasure. Both in the home and in our
+manner of life there are many improvements which I am prevented by
+financial considerations from carrying out. If I were a rich man I
+would have the drawing-room walls a perfect mass of pictures. If I had
+money I could spend it judiciously and without absurdity. I should have
+the address stamped in gold on the note-paper, and use boot-trees, and
+never be without a cake in the house in case a friend dropped in to
+tea. Nor should I think twice about putting on an extra clean pair of
+cuffs in the week if wanted. We should keep two servants. I am
+interested in the drama, if serious, and two or three times every month
+I should take Eliza to the dress-circle. Our suburb has a train service
+which is particularly convenient for the theatres. Eliza would wear a
+dressy blouse,--she shares my objections to anything cut out at the
+neck,--a mackintosh, and a sailor hat, the two latter to be removed
+before entering. I should carry her evening shoes in a pretty
+crewel-worked bag. We have often discussed it. Curiously enough, she
+already has the bag, though we seldom have an opportunity to use it in
+this way. Doubtless there are many other innovations which, with
+appropriate means, I could suggest. But I have said enough to show that
+they would all be in the direction of refinement and elegance, and the
+money would not be spent in foolishness or vice.
+
+As Eliza's husband, I should perhaps say a word or two about her. She
+is a lady of high principles and great activity. Owing to my absence
+every day in the exercise of my profession, she is called upon to
+settle many questions,--as, for instance, the other day the question of
+what contribution, if any, should be given to the local Fire
+Brigade,--where a word of advice from me would have been useful. If not
+actually independent, she is certainly not what would be described as a
+clinging woman. Indeed, she does occasionally take upon herself to
+enter on a line of action without consulting me, when my advice is
+perfectly at her disposal, and would perhaps save her from blunders.
+Last year she filled the coal-cellar (unusually large for the type of
+house) right up at summer prices. Undoubtedly, she thought that she was
+practising an economy. But she was dealing with a coal-merchant who
+does not give credit--a man who requires cash down and sees that he
+gets it. And--well, I need not go into details here, but it proved to
+be excessively inconvenient for me. She has lost the silly playfulness
+which was rather a mark of her character during the period of our
+engagement, and if this is due to the sobering effects of association
+with a steady and thoughtful character, I am not displeased. She
+herself says it's the work, but the women do not always know. Possibly,
+too, her temper is more easily ruffled now than then when I point out
+things to her. I should say that she was less ambitious than myself. I
+do not mention these little matters at all by way of finding fault. On
+the contrary, I have a very high opinion of Eliza.
+
+[Illustration: "_Filled the coal-cellar right up at summer prices._"]
+
+We have no children living.
+
+With these few prefatory words, gentle reader, I fling open the front
+door--to use a metaphorical expression--and invite you to witness a few
+scenes of our domestic life that I have from time to time recorded.
+
+
+
+
+THE CARDS
+
+
+About a year ago Eliza and myself had a little difference of opinion. I
+mentioned to her that we had no visiting-cards.
+
+"Of course not," she said. "The idea of such a thing!" She spoke rather
+hastily.
+
+"Why do you say 'of course not'?" I replied, quietly. "Visiting-cards
+are, I believe, in common use among ladies and gentlemen."
+
+She said she did not see what that had to do with it.
+
+"It has just this much to do with it," I answered: "that I do not
+intend to go without visiting-cards another day!"
+
+"What's the use?" she asked. "We never call on anybody, and nobody ever
+calls on us."
+
+"Is Miss Sakers nobody?"
+
+"Well, she's never left a card here, and she really is a lady by birth,
+and can prove it. She just asks the girl to say she's been, and it's
+nothing of importance, when she doesn't find me in. If she can do
+without cards, we can. You'd much better go by her."
+
+"Thank you, I have my own ideas of propriety, and I do not take them
+from Miss Sakers. I shall order fifty of each sort from Amrod's this
+morning."
+
+"Then that makes a hundred cards wasted."
+
+"Either you cannot count," I said, "or you have yet to learn that there
+are three sorts of cards used by married people--the husband's cards,
+the wife's cards, and the card with both names on it."
+
+"Go it!" said Eliza. "Get a card for the cat as well. She knows a lot
+more cats than we know people!"
+
+I could have given a fairly sharp retort to that, but I preferred to
+remain absolutely silent. I thought it might show Eliza that she was
+becoming rather vulgar. Silence is often the best rebuke. However,
+Eliza went on:
+
+"Mother would hate it, I know that. To talk about cards, with the last
+lot of coals not paid for--I call it wickedness."
+
+I simply walked out of the house, went straight down to Amrod's, and
+ordered those cards. When the time comes for me to put my foot down, I
+can generally put it down as well as most people. No one could be
+easier to live with than I am, and I am sure Eliza has found it so; but
+what I say is, if a man is not master in his own house, then where is
+he?
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Amrod printed the cards while I waited. I had them done in the Old
+English character. I suggested some little decoration to give them a
+tone,--an ivy leaf in the corner, or a little flourish under the
+name,--but Amrod was opposed to this. He seemed to think it was not
+essential, and it would have been charged extra, and also he had
+nothing of the kind in stock. So I let that pass. The cards looked very
+well as they were, a little plain and formal, perhaps, but very clean
+(except in the case of a few where the ink had rubbed), and very
+gratifying to one's natural self-respect.
+
+[Illustration: "_He seemed to think it was not essential._"]
+
+That evening I took a small cardboard box that had contained candles,
+and packed in it a few carefully selected flowers from the garden, and
+one of our cards. On the card I wrote "With kindest love from" just
+above the names, and posted it to Eliza's mother.
+
+So far was Eliza's mother from being offended that she sent Eliza a
+present of a postal-order for five shillings, three pounds of pressed
+beef, and a nicely worked apron.
+
+On glancing over that sentence, I see that it is, perhaps, a little
+ambiguous. The postal order was for the shillings alone--not for the
+beef or the apron.
+
+I only mention the incident to show whether, in this case, Eliza or I
+was right.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+I put a few of my own cards in my letter-case, and the rest were packed
+away in a drawer. A few weeks afterward I was annoyed to find Eliza
+using some of her cards for winding silks. She said that it did not
+prevent them from being used again, if they were ever wanted.
+
+"Pardon me," I said, "but cards for social purposes should not be bent
+or frayed at the edge, and can hardly be too clean. Oblige me by not
+doing that again!"
+
+That evening Eliza told me that No. 14 in the Crescent had been taken
+by some people called Popworth.
+
+"That must be young Popworth who used to be in our office," I said. "I
+heard that he was going to be married this year. You must certainly
+call and leave cards."
+
+"Which sort, and how many?"
+
+"Without referring to a book, I can hardly say precisely. These things
+are very much a matter of taste. Leave enough--say one of each sort for
+each person in the house. There should be no stint."
+
+"How am I to know how many persons there are?"
+
+"Ask the butcher with whom they deal."
+
+On the following day I remarked that Popworth must have come in for
+money, to be taking so large a house, and I hoped she had left the
+cards.
+
+"I asked the butcher, and he said there was Popworth, his wife, two
+sisters, a German friend, and eleven children. That was sixteen
+persons, and made forty-eight cards altogether. You see, I remembered
+your rule."
+
+"My dear Eliza," I said, "I told you as plainly as possible that it was
+a matter of taste. You ought not to have left forty-eight at once."
+
+"Oh, I couldn't keep running backwards and forwards leaving a few at a
+time. I've got something else to do. There's three pair of your socks
+in the basket waiting to be darned, as it is."
+
+"And, good heavens! That Popworth can't be my Popworth. If he's only
+married this year, he can't, in the nature of things, have got eleven
+children. And a house like this can't call on a house like that without
+a something to justify it."
+
+"That's what I thought."
+
+"Then what on earth did you call for?"
+
+"I didn't. Who said I did?"
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+I gave a sigh of relief. Later in the evening, when Eliza took a card,
+notched a bit out of each side, and began winding silk on it, I thought
+it wiser to say nothing. It is better sometimes to pretend not to see
+things.
+
+
+
+
+ELIZA'S MOTHER
+
+
+I generally send Eliza to spend a day with her mother early in
+December, and try to cheer her up a little. I daresay the old lady is
+very lonely, and appreciates the kindly thought. The return ticket is
+four-and-two, and Eliza generally buys a few flowers to take with her.
+That does not leave much change out of five shillings when the day is
+over, but I don't grudge the money. Eliza's mother generally tries to
+find out, without precisely asking, what we should like for a Christmas
+present. Eliza does not actually tell her, or even hint it--she would
+not care to do anything of that sort. But she manages, in a tactful
+sort of way, to let her know.
+
+For instance, the year before last Eliza's mother happened to say, "I
+wonder if you know what I am going to give you this Christmas."
+
+Eliza said, "I can see in your eye, mother, and you sha'n't do it. It's
+much too expensive. If other people can do without silver salt-cellars,
+I suppose we can."
+
+Well, we got them; so that was all right. But last year it was more
+difficult.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+You see, early in last December I went over my accounts, and I could
+see that I was short. For one thing, Eliza had had the measles. Then I
+had bought a bicycle, and though I sold it again, it did not, in that
+broken state, bring in enough to pay the compensation to the cabman. I
+was much annoyed about that. It was true I ran into the horse, but it
+was not my fault that it bolted and went into the lamp-post. As I said,
+rather sharply, to the man when I paid him, if his horse had been
+steady the thing would never have happened. He did not know what to
+answer, and made some silly remark about my not being fit to ride a
+mangle. Both then and at the time of the accident his language was
+disrespectful and profane.
+
+However, I need not go further into that. It is enough to say that we
+had some unusual expenses, and were distinctly short.
+
+"I don't blame you, Eliza," I said. "Anything you have had you are very
+welcome to."
+
+"I haven't had anything, except the measles," she said; "and I don't
+see how you can blame me for that."
+
+"But," I said, "I think it's high time you paid a visit to your mother,
+and showed her that we have not forgotten her. Take some Swiss
+roll--about sixpennyworth. Try to make things seem a little brighter to
+her. If she says anything about Christmas, and you saw your way to
+getting a cheque from her this year instead of her usual present, you
+might do that. But show her that we are really fond of her--remember
+she is your mother, and has few pleasures. A fiver just now would make
+a good deal of difference to me, and even a couple of sovereigns would
+be very handy."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+When Eliza came back, I saw by her face that it was all right.
+
+"I didn't have to say anything," she said. "Mother told me of her own
+accord that she knew that you had money troubles, and that she was
+going to take advantage of the Christmas season to relieve you from
+them in a way which at another time you might be too proud to accept."
+
+"That," I said, warmly, "is very thoughtful of her, and very delicate,
+and it can only mean one thing. It settles me. This year, Eliza, we
+will give your mother a present. Quite a trifle, of course--about two
+shillings. It will be a token, and she will value it."
+
+When I returned from the city I found that Eliza had purchased a small
+white vase for one-and-ten. The man in the shop had told her that it
+was alabaster. I had my doubts about that, but it was quite in my own
+taste--rather severe and classical. I complimented Eliza on her choice.
+
+Three days before Christmas I got a letter from Eliza's mother. She
+said that she had been afraid that I was worrying about my debt to her
+of L4 13_s._ 9_d._ She took advantage of the Christmas season to return
+my I.O.U.'s, and begged me to consider the debt as paid.
+
+It was not at all what I had expected.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"No," I said to Eliza at breakfast, "I am not in the least like a bear
+with a sore head, and I will thank you not to use the expression. As
+for your mother's kindness, I am glad you think it kindness. I wouldn't
+have it otherwise. If you weren't a born idiot you wouldn't think so.
+My debt to your mother would have been discharged by--discharged in due
+course. By reminding me that I owed her money, she has practically
+dunned me for it, and forced me to pay her at a most inconvenient time.
+She comes badgering me for her dirty money at Christmas, and you call
+it 'kindness!' Kindness! Hah! Oh, hah, hah!"
+
+"Don't make those silly noises, and get on with your breakfast!" said
+Eliza.
+
+Afterward she asked me if I still meant to send her mother that little
+vase.
+
+"Oh, yes!" I said. "We can afford it; it's nothing to us."
+
+Eliza, entirely misunderstanding the word that I next used, got up and
+said that she would not stop in the room to hear her poor mother sworn
+at.
+
+"The word I used," I said, calmly, "was alabaster, and not what you
+suppose."
+
+"You pronounced it just like the other thing."
+
+"I pronounced it in an exclamatory manner," I replied, "from contempt!
+You seem to me very ready to think evil. This is not the first time!"
+
+Eliza apologized. As a matter of fact, I really did say alabaster. But
+I said it emphatically, and I own that it relieved my feelings.
+
+We keep the silver salt-cellars in the drawer of Eliza's wardrobe as a
+general rule. I should prefer to use them every day, or at any rate
+every Sunday. But Eliza says that they make work.
+
+"Mother has written to me," she said on the following day, "to say that
+she will dine with us on Christmas Day. I had better get the silver
+salt-cellars down."
+
+"You'd better _put them up_," I said, meaningly. I know that sounds
+rather bitter, but I confess that I have always had a weakness for the
+wit that stings.
+
+Well, it did not actually come to that. They allowed me to draw a
+couple of pounds in advance at the office. I suppose they know that
+when they have got a good man it is worth while to stretch a point to
+keep him. Not that I was at all dictatorial--apparently I asked it as a
+favour. But I fancy our manager saw that I was not a man to be played
+with.
+
+Eliza's mother dined with us, and brought a couple of ducks.
+Conscience, I should say.
+
+At the moment of writing my financial position is absolutely sound, and
+even if Eliza's mother forced me to use her present to me to pay my
+debt to her (L7 19_s._ 5_d._), though I might think it dishonourable on
+her part, I should not be seriously inconvenienced. However, Eliza is
+going early in December to suggest sauce-boats (plated). That is to
+say, she may possibly mention them if any occasion arises.
+
+
+
+
+MISS SAKERS
+
+
+On Saturdays I always get back from the office early. This particular
+Saturday afternoon I looked at our chimneys as I came down the street.
+I thought it very queer, but, to make certain, as soon as I got into
+the house I opened the drawing-room door. It was just as I thought. I
+called up-stairs to Eliza, rather sharply.
+
+She came down and said, "Well, what's the matter?"
+
+I said, calmly, "The matter? Jane has apparently gone mad, that's all."
+(Jane is the name of our servant.)
+
+Eliza said that she did not think so, and asked me what the girl had
+done.
+
+I must say it made me feel rather sarcastic--it would have made any man
+feel sarcastic. I said, "Oh, nothing. Merely lit the fire in the
+drawing-room; and not only lit it, but piled coals on it. It is not
+Sunday, so far as I am aware." It is our rule to have the drawing-room
+fire lit on Sundays only. We are rather exclusive, and some other
+people seem to be rather stuck-up, and between the two we do not have
+many callers. If any one comes, it is always perfectly easy for Eliza
+to say, "The housemaid has foolishly forgotten to light the fire here.
+Shall we not step into the dining-room?" I hate to see anything like
+waste.
+
+"At this very moment," I added, "the drawing-room fire is flaming
+half-way up the chimney. It seems we can afford to burn half a ton of
+coals for nothing. I cannot say that I was aware of it."
+
+"You _are_ satirical!" said Eliza. "I always know when you are being
+satirical, because you move your eyebrows, and say, 'I am aware,'
+instead of 'I know.' I told Jane to light the fire myself."
+
+"May I ask why?"
+
+"Miss Sakers is coming in. She sent me a note this morning to say so."
+
+"That puts a different complexion on the affair. Very tactful of her to
+have announced the intention. I do not grudge a handful of firing when
+there is a reason. I only ask that there shall be a reason." Miss
+Sakers is the vicar's daughter. Strictly speaking, I suppose her social
+position is superior to our own. I know for a fact that she has been to
+county balls. She seemed anxious to cultivate an intimacy with us, so I
+gathered. I was not absurdly pleased about it. One has one's dignity.
+Besides, at the office we frequently see people far above Miss Sakers.
+A nobleman who had called to see one of the partners once remarked to
+me, "Your office is a devilish long way from everywhere!" There was no
+particular reason why he should have spoken to me, but he seemed to
+wish it. After that, it was no very great thing that Miss Sakers seemed
+anxious to know us better. At the same time, I do not pretend that I
+was displeased. I went into the drawing-room and put some more coal on.
+
+"Is it to be a party?" I asked.
+
+"Not at all. She is coming quite as a friend."
+
+I went up-stairs and changed all my clothes, and then purchased a few
+flowers, which I placed in vases in the drawing-room. Eliza had got two
+kinds of cake; I added a plate of mixed biscuits on my own
+responsibility. Beyond this, I did nothing in the way of preparation,
+wishing to keep the thing as simple and informal as possible.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+The tea was quite a success. Miss Sakers was to have a stall at the
+bazaar in aid of the new church. I promised her five shillings at
+first, but afterward made it seven-and-six. Though no longer young,
+Miss Sakers is very pleasant in her manner.
+
+After tea Miss Sakers and Eliza both did needlework. Miss Sakers was
+doing a thing in crewels. I could not see what Eliza was doing. She
+kept it hidden, almost under the table.
+
+To prevent the conversation from flagging, I said, "Eliza, dear, what
+are you making?"
+
+She frowned hard at me, shook her head slightly, and asked Miss Sakers
+about the special preacher for Epiphany Sunday.
+
+I at once guessed that Eliza was doing something for Miss Sakers' stall
+at the bazaar, and had intended to keep it secret.
+
+I smiled. "Miss Sakers," I said, "I do not know what Eliza is making,
+but I am quite sure it is for you."
+
+There was a dead silence. Miss Sakers and Eliza both blushed. Then Miss
+Sakers said, without looking at me, "I think you are mistaken."
+
+I felt so sure that I was mistaken that I blushed, too.
+
+Eliza hurriedly hid her work in the work-basket, and said, "It is very
+close in here. Let me show you round our little garden."
+
+They both went out, without taking any notice of me. Not having had
+much tea, I cut myself another slice of cake. While I was in the middle
+of it, Miss Sakers and Eliza came back, and Miss Sakers said good-bye
+to me very coldly. I offered to raise my bazaar donation to ten
+shillings, but she did not seem to have heard me.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"How could you say that?" said Eliza, when Miss Sakers had gone. "It
+was most tactless--and not very nice."
+
+"I thought you were doing something for the bazaar. What were you
+making, then?"
+
+She did not actually tell me, but she implied it in a delicate way.
+
+"Well," I said, "of course I wouldn't have called attention to it if I
+had known, but I don't think you ought to have been doing that work
+when Miss Sakers was here."
+
+"I've no time to waste, and I always make mine myself. I was most
+careful to keep them hidden. You are very tactless."
+
+"I don't think much of that Miss Sakers," I said. "Why should we go to
+this expense," pointing to the cakes, "for a woman of that kind?"
+
+
+
+
+THE ORCHESTROME
+
+
+The orchestrome was on Lady Sandlingbury's stall at the bazaar. Her
+ladyship came up to Eliza in the friendliest way, and said, "My dear
+lady, I am convinced that you need an orchestrome. It's the sweetest
+instrument in the world, worth at least five pounds, and for one
+shilling you have a chance of getting it. It is to be raffled." Eliza
+objects, on principle, to anything like gambling; but as this was for
+the Deserving Inebriates, which is a good cause, she paid her shilling.
+She won the orchestrome, and I carried it home for her.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Six tunes were given with the orchestrome; each tune was on a slip of
+perforated paper, and all you had to do was to put in a slip and touch
+the spring.
+
+We tried it first with "The Dandy Coloured Coon." It certainly played
+something, but it was not right. There was no recognizable tune about
+it.
+
+"This won't do at all," I said.
+
+"Perhaps that tune's got bent or something," said Eliza. "Put in
+another."
+
+I put in "The Lost Chord" and "The Old Folks at Home," and both were
+complete failures--a mere jumble of notes, with no tune in them at all.
+I confess that this exasperated me.
+
+"You see what you've done?" I said. "You've fooled away a shilling.
+Nothing is more idiotic than to buy a thing without trying it first."
+
+"Why didn't you say that before, then?" said Eliza. "I don't believe
+there's anything really wrong with it--just some little thing that's
+got out of order, and can be put right again."
+
+"Wrong! Why, it's wrong all through. Not one scrap of any of the tunes
+comes out right. I shall take it back to Lady Sandlingbury at once."
+
+"Oh, don't do that!"
+
+But my mind was made up, and I went back to the bazaar, and up to Lady
+Sandlingbury's stall. Eliza wouldn't come with me.
+
+"I beg your ladyship's pardon," I said, "but your ladyship supplied me
+with this orchestrome, and your ladyship will have to take it back
+again."
+
+"Dear me! what's all the trouble?"
+
+I started the instrument, and let her hear for herself. She smiled, and
+turned to another lady who was helping her. The other lady was young,
+and very pretty, but with a scornful kind of amused expression, and a
+drawling way of speaking--both of which I disliked extremely.
+
+"Edith," said Lady Sandlingbury, "here's this angry gentleman going to
+put us both in prison for selling him a bad orchestrome. He says it
+won't work."
+
+"Doesn't matter, does it?" said the other lady. "I mean to say, as long
+as it will play, you know." At this rather stupid remark they both
+laughed, without so much as looking at me.
+
+"I don't want to make myself in any way unpleasant, your ladyship," I
+said; "but this instrument was offered for raffle as being worth five
+pounds, and it's not worth five shillings."
+
+"Come, now," said Lady Sandlingbury, "I will give you five shillings
+for it. There you are! Now you can be happy, and go and spend your
+money." I thanked her. She took the orchestrome and started it, and it
+played magnificently. Nothing could have been more perfect. "These
+things do better," she said, "when you don't put the tunes in wrong end
+first, so that the instrument plays them backwards."
+
+"I think your ladyship might have told me that before," I said.
+
+"Oh! you were so angry, and you didn't ask me. Edith, dear, do go and
+be civil to some people, and make them take tickets for another
+raffle."
+
+"I call this sharp practice," I said, "if not worse, and----"
+
+Here the other lady interrupted me.
+
+"Could you, please, go away, unless you want to buy something? Thanks,
+so much!"
+
+[Illustration: "_Could you, please, go away?_"]
+
+I went. I am rather sorry for it now. I think it would have been more
+dignified to have stopped and defied them.
+
+Eliza appeared to think that I had made myself ridiculous. I do not
+agree with her. I do think, however, that when members of the
+aristocracy practise a common swindle in support of a charity, they go
+to show that rank is not everything. If Miss Sakers happens to ask us
+whether we are going to the bazaar in support of the Deserving
+Inebriates next year, I have instructed Eliza to reply: "Not if Lady
+Sandlingbury and her friend have a stall." I positively refuse to meet
+them, and I do not care twopence if they know it.
+
+
+
+
+THE TONIC PORT
+
+
+We do a large export trade (that is, the firm does), and there are
+often samples lying about in the office. There was a bottle of Tarret's
+Tonic Port, which had been there some time, and one of the partners
+told the head clerk that he could have it if he liked. Later in the day
+the head clerk said if a bottle of Tarret's Tonic Port was any use to
+me I might take it home. He said he had just opened it and tasted it,
+because he did not like to give anything away until he knew if it was
+all right.
+
+I thanked him. "Tastes," I said, "just like any ordinary port, I
+suppose?"
+
+"Well," he said, "it's more a tonic port than an ordinary port. But
+that's only what you'd expect from the label."
+
+"Quite so," I said--"quite so." I looked at the label, and saw that it
+said that the port was peculiarly rich in phosphates. I put the bottle
+in my bag that night and took it home.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"Eliza," I said, "I have brought you a little present. It is a bottle
+of port." Eliza very rarely takes anything at all, but if she does it
+is a glass of port. In this respect I admire her taste. Port, as I have
+sometimes said to her, is the king of wines. We decided that we would
+have a glass after supper. That is really the best time to take
+anything of the kind; the wine soothes the nerves and prevents
+insomnia.
+
+Eliza picked the bottle up and looked at the label. "Why," she said,
+"you told me it was port!"
+
+"So it is."
+
+"It says tonic port on the label."
+
+"Well, tonic port practically _is_ port. That is to say, it is port
+with the addition of--er--phosphates."
+
+"What are phosphates?"
+
+"Oh, there are so many of them, you know. There is quinine, of course,
+and magnesium, and--and so on. Let me fill your glass."
+
+She took one very little sip. "It isn't what I should call a pleasant
+wine," she said. "It stings so."
+
+"Ah!" I said, "that's the phosphates. It would be a little like that.
+But that's not the way to judge a port. What you should do is to take a
+large mouthful and roll it round the tongue,--then you get the aroma.
+Look: this is the way."
+
+I took a large mouthful.
+
+When I had stopped coughing I said that I didn't know that there was
+anything absolutely wrong with the wine, but you wanted to be ready for
+it. It had come on me rather unexpectedly.
+
+Eliza said that very likely that was it, and she asked me if I would
+care to finish my glass now that I knew what it was like.
+
+I said that it was not quite a fair test to try a port just after it
+had been shaken about. I would let the bottle stand for a day or two.
+Ultimately I took what was left in Eliza's glass and my own, and
+emptied it into the garden. I did this because I did not want our
+general servant to try it when she cleared away, and possibly acquire a
+taste for drink.
+
+Next morning I found that two of our best geraniums had died during the
+night. I said that it was most inexplicable. Eliza said nothing.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+A few nights afterward, Eliza asked me if I thought that the tonic port
+had stood long enough.
+
+"Yes," I said; "I will decant it for you, and then if Miss Sakers calls
+you might say carelessly that you were just going to have a glass of
+port, and would be glad if she would join you."
+
+"No, thank you," she said; "I don't want to deceive Miss Sakers."
+
+"You could mention that it was rich in phosphates. There need be no
+deception about it."
+
+"Well, then, I don't want to lose the few friends we've got."
+
+"As you please, Eliza. It seems a pity to waste more than half a bottle
+of good wine."
+
+"Bottle of what?"
+
+"You heard what I said."
+
+"Well, drink it yourself, if you like it."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Some weeks afterward I found the bottle of Tarret's Tonic Port still
+standing in the sideboard. I gave it to our servant, explaining to her
+that it would be best mixed with water. There was still the risk of her
+acquiring drinking habits, but I could think of no one else to give it
+to. That night Eliza found the girl crying in the kitchen. When Eliza
+asked what was the matter, she said that she would rather say nothing,
+but that she was wishful to leave at the end of her month.
+
+Of course Eliza blamed me, but I had told the girl as distinctly as I
+could speak that it was a wine which required dilution. However, Eliza
+persuaded her to stay on. The girl took the pledge on the following
+day, and seemed changed in many ways. She put the bottle back in the
+sideboard; there was still more than half of it left.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+After that nothing happened with reference to the tonic port, until one
+day I noticed that our cat (who had recently lost her kittens) seemed
+in a poor state of health. I gave it a few spoonfuls of the tonic port
+in a little milk. It drank it with avidity, somewhat to my surprise. I
+had one or two little things to do in the garden after that, and when I
+came back Eliza said that the cat had become so very strange in its
+manner that she had thought it best to lock it in the coal-cellar.
+
+I went to look at it, and found it lying on its back, dead. It had a
+singularly happy expression on its face. Both Eliza and myself were
+very sorry to lose it.
+
+[Illustration: "_It had a singularly happy expression on its face._"]
+
+I judged it best to say nothing about the port. But the bottle had gone
+from the sideboard. Eliza said that she had removed it, to prevent
+further accidents.
+
+I told the head clerk about it, but he only laughed in the silliest
+way. He is a most ill-bred man, in my opinion.
+
+
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE
+
+
+One of our younger clerks, a man of the name of Perkins, is said to be
+very well connected. He certainly spends more than his salary, and
+rarely wears the same trousers on two consecutive days. But I am not a
+snob, nor one who thinks much of these things, and I had never
+cultivated young Perkins. Consequently it rather surprised me when he
+introduced me to his friend, the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount. Then I
+remembered what had been said about Perkins's connections.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+The Hon. Eugene Clerrimount was a handsome young man, though apparently
+troubled with pimples. His manner had in it what I should call dash.
+There was not an ounce of affectation about him; but then high rank
+does not need affectations--I have always noticed that. He appeared to
+take rather a liking to me, and insisted that we must all three go out
+and have a drink together. This is a thing which I really never do, but
+on this occasion I allowed myself to be persuaded. Not liking to
+mention beer, I said that I would take a glass of sherry wine. Nothing
+could have been more friendly and pleasing than his behaviour toward
+me; there was nothing at all stuck-up about him. It turned out that,
+after all, the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount had forgotten his purse, and
+Perkins happened to have no money on him; I therefore paid for the
+drinks, and also lent the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount half a crown for his
+cab; it was, indeed, quite a pleasure to do so. He thanked me warmly,
+and said that he should like to know me better. Might he call at my
+house on the following Saturday afternoon? As luck would have it, I
+happened to have a card on me, and presented it to him, saying that it
+would indeed be an honour. "Thanks," he replied, "and then I can repay
+you this half-sovereign, or whatever it is." "Only four shillings," I
+replied, "and pray do not mention it."
+
+[Illustration: _The Gentleman of Title._]
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Eliza was certainly less pleased than myself when she heard that the
+Hon. Eugene Clerrimount was coming. She said that he might be all
+right, or he might not, and we did not know anything about him. I
+replied: "One does not know anything about anybody in that rank of
+life. It is not necessary."
+
+"Oh!" she said. "Isn't it? Well, I don't happen to be an earl myself."
+
+And, really, on the Saturday morning I had the greatest difficulty to
+get Eliza to take a little trouble with the drawing-room, though I
+asked for nothing more than a thorough dusting, chrysanthemums, and the
+blinds up. For the tea I offered to make myself entirely responsible.
+There was some doubt as to whether the girl should announce him as the
+Hon. Mr. Clerrimount, or the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount, or Mr. Hon.
+Clerrimount. "She'd better do all three, one after the other," said
+Eliza, snappishly. I obviated the difficulty by telling the girl, as
+she opened the drawing-room door, merely to say, "A gentleman to see
+you." I am rather one for thinking of these little ways out of
+difficulties.
+
+Eliza wanted to know what time he was coming. I replied that he could
+not come before three or after six, because that would be against
+etiquette.
+
+"Suppose he came at five minutes to three by accident," said Eliza.
+"Would he sit on our doorsteps until the clock struck, and then ring
+the bell?" I was really beginning to lose patience with Eliza.
+
+However, by three o'clock I had Eliza in the drawing-room, with a
+magazine and paper-knife by her side, as if she had been reading. She
+was really darning socks, but they could easily be concealed in an
+empty art flower-pot when the front bell rang.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+We sat in the drawing-room until six, but, strangely enough, the Hon.
+Eugene Clerrimount never came. The trifle that I had spent on the
+Madeira cake and macaroons was nothing, but it did wound my feelings
+that he had not even thought it worth while to explain his inability to
+keep his appointment.
+
+And on the Monday I said to Perkins, rather sharply: "There was that
+matter of four shillings with your friend. I've not received the money,
+and I should thank you to see about it."
+
+"What?" said Perkins. "You ask my friend and me to come and drink with
+you, and then want me to dun him for the money to pay for it. Well, I
+_am_ blowed!"
+
+Oh, the whole thing was most unsatisfactory and incomprehensible!
+
+
+
+
+THE HAT
+
+
+I had long believed that all was not right with my hat. I could prove
+nothing, but I had no doubt in my own mind that the girl took liberties
+with it. It is very easy to brush a silk hat the wrong way, for
+instance, but silk hats do not brush themselves the wrong way; if it is
+done, some one must have done it. Morning after morning I found marks
+on my hat which I could not account for. Well, I said nothing, but I
+made up my mind to keep my eyes open. It was not only the injury to the
+hat--it was the impertinence to myself that affected me.
+
+One Saturday afternoon, while I was at home, a costermonger came to the
+door with walnuts. The girl answered the bell, and presently I saw the
+coster and his cart go past the dining-room window. I don't know why it
+was, or how it was, but a suspicion came over me. I stepped sharply to
+the door, and looked out into the passage. There was no one there. The
+front door was open, and the kitchen door was open, and in a position
+between the two, against the umbrella-stand, was--something worse than
+ever I had expected.
+
+I picked that hat up just as it was, with the walnuts inside it, and
+placed it on the dining-room table. Then I called to Eliza to come
+down-stairs.
+
+"What is it?" she asked, as she entered the dining-room.
+
+I pointed to the hat. "This kind of thing," I said, "has been going on
+for years!"
+
+"Oh, do talk sense!" she said. "What do you mean?"
+
+"Sense!" I said. "You ask me to talk sense, when I find my own hat
+standing on the floor in the hall, and used as a--a receptacle for
+walnuts!"
+
+She smiled. "I can explain all that," she said.
+
+"I've no doubt you can. I'm sick to death of explanations. I give ten
+or eleven shillings for a hat, and find it ruined. I know those
+explanations. You told the girl to buy the walnuts, and she had got
+nothing else to put them in, and the hat was handy; but if you think I
+take that as an excuse, you make a mistake."
+
+"I wasn't going to say that at all."
+
+"Or else you'll tell me that you can paste in a piece of white paper,
+so that the stains on the lining won't show. Explanations, indeed!"
+
+"And I wasn't going to say that, either."
+
+"I don't care what you were going to say. I won't hear it. There's no
+explanation possible. For once I mean to take a strong line. You see
+that hat? I shall never wear it again!"
+
+"I know that."
+
+"No one shall wear it! I don't care for the expense! If you choose to
+let that servant-girl ruin my hat, then that hat shall be ruined, and
+no mistake about it!"
+
+I picked the hat up, and gave it one sound, savage kick. My foot went
+through it, and the walnuts flew all over the room. At the same moment
+I heard from the drawing-room a faint tink-tink-tink on the piano.
+
+[Illustration: "_I picked the hat up, and gave it one sound, savage
+kick._"]
+
+"Yes," said Eliza. "That's the piano-tuner. He came at the same time as
+the walnut-man, and bought those walnuts. And he put them in his hat.
+_His_ hat, mind you, not _your_ hat. Your hat's hanging up in the
+usual place. You might have seen it if you'd looked. Only you're----"
+
+"Eliza," I said, "you need say no more. If that is so, the servant-girl
+is much less to blame than I had supposed. I have to go out now, but
+perhaps you'd drop into the drawing-room and explain to the tuner that
+there's been some slight misunderstanding with his hat. And, I say, a
+glass of beer and two shillings is as much as you need offer."
+
+
+
+
+MY FORTUNE
+
+
+The girl had just removed the supper things. We have supper rather
+early, because I like a long evening. "Now, Eliza," I said, "you take
+your work,--your sewing, or whatever it may be,--and I will take my
+work. Yes, I've brought it with me, and it's to be paid as overtime. I
+daresay it mayn't seem much to you,--a lot of trouble, and only a few
+shillings to show for it, when all's said and done,--but that is the
+way fortunes are made, by sticking at it, by plugging into it, if I may
+use the term."
+
+"The table's clear, if you want to start," said Eliza.
+
+"Very well," I replied, and fetched my black bag from the passage to
+get the accounts on which I was working. I always hang the bag on the
+peg in the passage, just under my hat. Then it is there in the morning
+when and where it is wanted. Method in little things has always been
+rather a motto of mine.
+
+"It has sometimes struck me, Eliza," I said, as I came back into the
+dining-room, with the bag in my hand, "that you do not read so much as
+I should like to see you read."
+
+"Well, you asked me to take my work, and these socks are for you, and I
+never know what you do want."
+
+"I did not mean that I wanted you to read at this moment. But there is
+one book--I cannot say exactly what the title is, and the name of the
+author has slipped my memory, which I should like to see in your hands
+occasionally, because it deals with the making of fortunes. It
+practically shows you how to do it."
+
+"Did the man who wrote it make one?" asked Eliza.
+
+"That--not knowing the name of the man--I cannot say for certain."
+
+"Well, I should want to know that first. And aren't you going to
+start?"
+
+"I can hardly start until I have unlocked my bag, and I cannot unlock
+my bag until I have the keys, and I cannot have the keys until I have
+fetched them from the bedroom. Try to be a little more reasonable."
+
+I could not find the keys in the bedroom. Then Eliza went up, and she
+could not find them, either. By a sort of oversight they were in my
+pocket all the time. I laughingly remarked that I knew I should find
+them first. Eliza seemed rather pettish, the joke being against
+herself.
+
+"The reason why I mentioned that book," I said, as I unlocked the bag,
+"is because it points out that there are two ways of making a fortune.
+One is, if I may say so, my own way,--by method in little things,
+economy of time, doing all the work that one can get to do, and----"
+
+"You won't get much done to-night, if you don't start soon," said
+Eliza.
+
+"I do not like to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence. The other
+way by which you may make a fortune--well, it's not making a fortune.
+It's that the fortune makes you, if you understand me."
+
+"I don't," said Eliza.
+
+"I mean that the fortune may come of itself by luck. Luck is a very
+curious thing. We cannot understand it. It's of no use to talk about
+it, because it is quite impossible to understand it."
+
+"Then don't let's talk about it, especially when you've got something
+else to do."
+
+"Temper, temper, Eliza! You must guard against that. I was not going to
+talk about luck. I was going to give you an instance of luck, which
+happened to come within my own personal experience. It is the case of a
+man of the name of Chumpleigh, in our office, and would probably
+interest and amuse you. I do not know if I have ever mentioned
+Chumpleigh to you."
+
+"Yes, you've told me all about him several times."
+
+I might have mentioned Chumpleigh to Eliza, but I am sure that I have
+never told her all about him. However, I was not going to sulk, and so
+I told her the story again. The story would not have been so long if
+she hadn't interrupted me so frequently.
+
+When I had finished, she said that it was time to go to bed, and I had
+wasted the evening.
+
+I owned that possibly I had been chatting rather longer than I had
+intended, but I would still get those accounts done, and sit up to do
+them.
+
+"And that means extra gas," she said. "That's the way money gets
+wasted."
+
+"There are many men in my place," I said, "who would refuse to sit down
+to work as late as this. I don't. Why? On principle. Because it's
+through the cultivation of the sort of thing that I cultivate one
+arrives at fortune. Think what fortune would mean to us. Big house,
+large garden, servants, carriages. I should come in from a day with the
+hounds, and perhaps say I felt rather done up, and would like a glass
+of champagne. No question of expense--not a word about it--money no
+object. You'd just get the bottle out of the sideboard, and I should
+have my glass, and they'd finish it in the kitchen, and----"
+
+"_Are_ you going to begin, or are you not?" asked Eliza.
+
+"This minute," I replied, opening the black bag. I examined the
+contents carefully.
+
+"Well," I said, "this is a very strange occurrence indeed--most
+unaccountable! I don't remember ever to have done anything of the kind
+before, but I seem to have forgotten to bring that work from the city.
+Dear me! I shall be forgetting my head next."
+
+Eliza's reply that this would be no great loss did not seem to me to be
+either funny, or polite, or even true. "You strangely forget yourself,"
+I replied, and turned the gas out sharply.
+
+
+
+
+SHAKESPEARE
+
+
+I led up to it, saying to Eliza, not at all in a complaining way, "Does
+it not seem to you a pity to let these long winter evenings run to
+waste?"
+
+"Yes, dear," she replied; "I think you ought to do something."
+
+"And you, too. Is it not so, darling?"
+
+"There's generally some sewing, or the accounts."
+
+"Yes; but these things do not exercise the mind."
+
+"Accounts do."
+
+"Not in the way I mean." I had now reached my point. "How would it be
+if I were to read aloud to you? I don't think you have ever heard me
+read aloud. You are fond of the theatre, and we cannot often afford to
+go. This would make up for it. There are many men who would tell you
+that they would sooner have a play read aloud to them than see it acted
+in the finest theatre in the world."
+
+"Would they? Well--perhaps--if I were only sewing it wouldn't interrupt
+me much."
+
+I said, "That is not very graciously put, Eliza. There is a certain art
+in reading aloud. Some have it, and some have not. I do not know if I
+have ever told you, but when I was a boy of twelve I won a prize for
+recitation, though several older boys were competing against me."
+
+She said that I had told her before several times.
+
+I continued: "And I suppose that I have developed since then. A man in
+our office once told me that he thought I should have done well on the
+stage. I don't know whether I ever mentioned it."
+
+She said that I had mentioned it once or twice.
+
+"I should have thought that you would have been glad of a little
+pleasure--innocent, profitable, and entertaining. However, if you think
+I am not capable of----"
+
+"What do you want to read?"
+
+"What would you like me to read?"
+
+"Miss Sakers lent me this." She handed me a paper-covered volume,
+entitled, "The Murglow Mystery; or, The Stain on the Staircase."
+
+"Trash like this is not literature," I said. However, to please her, I
+glanced at the first page. Half an hour later I said that I should be
+very sorry to read a book of that stamp out loud.
+
+"Then why do you go on reading it to yourself?"
+
+"Strictly speaking, I am not reading it. I am glancing at it."
+
+When Eliza got up to go to bed, an hour afterward, she asked me if I
+was still glancing. I kept my temper.
+
+"Try not to be so infernally unreasonable," I said. "If Miss Sakers
+lends us a book, it is discourteous not to look at it."
+
+On the following night Eliza said that she hoped I was not going to sit
+up until three in the morning, wasting the gas and ruining my health,
+over a book that I myself had said--
+
+"And who pays for the gas?"
+
+"Nobody's paid last quarter's yet. Mother can't do everything, and----"
+
+"Well, we can talk about that some other time. To-night I am going to
+read aloud to you a play of Shakespeare's. I wonder if you even know
+who Shakespeare was?"
+
+"Of course I do."
+
+"Could you honestly say that you have ever read one--only one--of his
+tragedies?"
+
+"No. Could you?"
+
+"I am going to read 'Macbeth' to you, trying to indicate by changes in
+my voice which character is speaking." I opened the book.
+
+Eliza said that she couldn't think who it was took her scissors.
+
+"I can't begin till you keep quiet," I said.
+
+"It's the second pair that's gone this week."
+
+"Very well, then," I said, shutting up the book with a bang, "I will
+not read aloud to you to-night at all. You may get along as you can
+without it."
+
+"You're sure you didn't take those scissors for anything?" she replied,
+meditatively.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"Now then," I said, on the next night, "I am ready to begin. The
+tragedy is entitled 'Macbeth.' This is the first scene."
+
+"What is the first scene?"
+
+"A blasted heath."
+
+"Well, I think you might give a civil answer to a civil question. There
+was no occasion to use that word."
+
+"I didn't."
+
+"You did. I heard it distinctly."
+
+"Do let me explain. It's Shakespeare uses the word. I was only quoting
+it. It merely means----"
+
+"Oh, if it's Shakespeare I suppose it's all right. Nobody seems to mind
+what _he_ says. You can go on."
+
+I read for some time. Eliza, in reply to my question, owned that she
+had enjoyed it, but she went to bed before her usual time.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+When I was preparing to read aloud on the following evening, I was
+unable to find our copy of Shakespeare. This was very annoying, as it
+had been a wedding-present. Eliza said that she had found her scissors,
+and very likely I should find the Shakespeare some other night.
+
+But I never did. I have half thought of buying another copy, or I dare
+say Eliza's mother would like to give us it. Eliza thinks not.
+
+
+
+
+THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM
+
+
+"Eliza," I said one evening, "do you think that you are fonder of me
+than I am of you, or that I am fonder of you than you are of me?"
+
+She answered, "What is thirteen from twenty-eight?" without looking up
+from the account-book.
+
+"I do think," I said, "that when I speak to you you might have the
+civility to pay some little attention."
+
+She replied, "One pound fifteen and two, and I hope you know where we
+are to get it from, for I don't. And don't bang on the table in that
+silly way, or you'll spill the ink."
+
+"I did not bang. I tapped slightly from a pardonable impatience. I put
+a plain question to you some time ago, and I should like a plain answer
+to it."
+
+"Well, what do you want to talk for when you see I am counting? Now,
+what is it?"
+
+"What I asked was this. Do I think--I mean, do you think--that I am
+fonder of me--no, you are fonder of I--well, I'll begin again. Which of
+us two would you say was fonder of the other than the other was of
+the--dash it all, you know what I mean!"
+
+"No, I don't, but it's nothing to swear about."
+
+"I was not swearing. If you don't know what I mean, I'll try to put it
+more simply. Are you fonder than I am? There."
+
+"Fonder of what?"
+
+"Fonder of each other."
+
+"You mean is each of us fonder of the other than the other is of--of
+the each?"
+
+"I mean nothing of the kind. Until you muddled it the thing was
+perfectly clear. Well, we two are two, are we not?"
+
+"Of course I know that, but----"
+
+"Wait a minute. I intend that you shall understand me this time. Which
+of those two would you say was fonder of the other than the other was
+of the other, or would you say that each was as fond of the other as
+the other one was? Now you see it."
+
+"Almost. Say it again."
+
+"Would you say that in your opinion neither of us were fonder of the
+other than both were of each, or that one was fonder of the other than
+the other was of the first, and if so, which?"
+
+"Now you've made it worse than ever. I don't believe you know what you
+mean yourself. Do come to supper and talk sense."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+I smiled cynically as I sat down to supper. "This doesn't surprise me
+in the least," I remarked. "I never yet knew a woman who could argue,
+or even understand the first step in an argument, and I don't suppose I
+ever shall."
+
+"Well," said Eliza, "you can't argue until you know what you are
+talking about, and I don't know what you're talking about, and you
+don't seem to know yourself, or, if you do, you're too muddled to tell
+anybody. If you want to argue, argue about one pound fifteen and two.
+It's Griffiths, and been sent in three times already."
+
+"Don't shirk it, Eliza. Don't try to get away from it. I asked you
+which of us you thought was the fonder of the other, and you couldn't
+understand it."
+
+"Why, of course, I understand _that_. Why didn't you say so before?"
+
+"As far as I remember, those were my precise words."
+
+"But they weren't! What you said was, 'If neither of us was fonder of
+both than each is of either, which of the two would it be?' or
+something of the kind."
+
+"Now, how could I talk such absolute nonsense?"
+
+"Ah!" she said; "when men lose their temper they never know what
+they're saying!"
+
+I had a very good answer to that, but just at the moment the girl
+brought in the last post. There was a letter from Eliza's mother. There
+was also an enclosure in postal orders quite beyond anything I had
+expected, and she expressed a hope that they might enable us "to defray
+some of the expenses incidental to the season." As far as my own
+personal feeling is concerned, I should have returned them at once. In
+some ways I daresay that I am a proud man. I have been told so. But the
+poor old lady takes such pleasure in giving, and she has so little
+other enjoyment, that I should have been reluctant to check her. In
+fact, taking the money as evidence of her affection, I was pleased. So
+was Eliza.
+
+"Pay Griffiths's twopenny-halfpenny account to-morrow," I said, "and
+tell him that he has lost our patronage for ever."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+We did not recur to the original question. Personally, I should say
+that in the case of two people it might very well happen that, though
+at one time the affection of one for the other might be greater than
+the affection which the other had for the one which I originally
+mentioned at the same time, yet at some other time the affection which
+the other one had for the other might be just as much greater than the
+affection which the first one had for the second, as the difference was
+in the first instance between the two. At least, that is the general
+drift of what I mean. Eliza would never see it, of course.
+
+
+
+
+THE DAY OFF
+
+
+On the occasion of the marriage of our junior partner to Ethel Mary,
+only surviving daughter of William Hubblestead, Esq., J.P., of
+Banlingbury, by the Canon of Blockminster, assisted by the Rev. Eugene
+Hubblestead, cousin of the bride--on this occasion the office was
+closed for the whole of one day, and the staff had a holiday without
+deduction of salary.
+
+The staff had presented six silver (hallmarked) nutcrackers, and a
+handsomely bound volume of Cowper's Poetical Works. The latter was my
+own suggestion; there was a sum of eight shillings over after the
+purchase of the nutcrackers, and I have always had a partiality for
+Cowper. The junior partner thanked us personally, and in very warm
+terms; at the same time he announced that the following Thursday was to
+be treated as a holiday.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+The weather was glorious, and I have never had a more enjoyable day.
+The girl laid breakfast overnight, and we rose at half-past five. By
+half-past six Eliza had cut some mutton sandwiches and placed them in a
+basket with a bottle of milk--the milkman having obliged with a
+specially early call by appointment. A brief journey by train, and by a
+quarter-past seven we were at Danstow for our day off in the country.
+
+Danstow is a picturesque little village, and looked beautiful in the
+hot sunlight. I was wearing a fairly new summer suit, with brown boots.
+As I remarked to Eliza, it would probably have created a feeling of
+surprise among the villagers if they had learned that, as a rule, my
+professional duties took me to the city in the morning.
+
+Eliza said: "All right. What do we do here?"
+
+"Why," I said, "there's the old church. We mustn't miss that."
+
+We went and examined the old church. Then we went twice up and down the
+village street, and examined that.
+
+"Well," said Eliza, "what next?"
+
+"Now," I replied, "we just stroll about and amuse ourselves. I feel
+particularly light-hearted."
+
+"That's breakfasting at six, that is," said Eliza. "If you could find a
+quiet place, we might have a sandwich."
+
+We went a little way along the road, and I espied a field which seemed
+to me to look likely. I said to a passer-by: "I am a stranger here. Can
+you tell me whether there would be any objection to our sitting in that
+field?" He said, in rather an offensive and sarcastic way, that he
+believed the field was open for sitting in about that hour. I did not
+give him any reply, but just opened the gate for Eliza.
+
+We sat down under the hedge, and finished our sandwiches and milk. The
+church clock struck nine.
+
+"What train do we go back by?" asked Eliza.
+
+"Not until half-past nine to-night. There's a day for you!"
+
+"Twelve hours and a half," said Eliza. "And we've done the sandwiches,
+and done the milk, and done the church, and there's nothing else to
+do."
+
+"Except amuse ourselves," I added, as I took off my boots, which had
+pained me slightly. I then dozed off.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Eliza woke me to say that she had read all the newspaper the sandwiches
+were wrapped in, and picked some wild flowers, and the flowers had
+died, and she wanted to know what the time was. It was just past
+eleven.
+
+She said: "Oh, lor!"
+
+I soon dropped off again.
+
+When I woke, at half-past twelve, Eliza was not there. She returned in
+a few minutes, and said that she had been doing the church over again.
+
+"That was hardly necessary," I observed.
+
+"Oh, one must do something, and there's nothing else to do."
+
+"On the contrary, there's luncheon. We'll have that at once, so as to
+give us a good long afternoon."
+
+"The afternoon will be long enough," she said. If I had not known that
+she was having a day's enjoyment, I should have thought that she seemed
+rather dejected in her manner.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+The luncheon at the village inn was not expensive. Eliza said that
+their idea of chops was not her idea; but all the same she seemed
+inclined to spin the thing out and make it last as long as possible. I
+deprecated this, as I felt that I could not very well take my boots off
+again until I had returned to the field.
+
+"Very well, then," she said. "Only let's go back slowly."
+
+"As slowly as you like," I replied. "It's the right boot principally;
+but I prefer to walk slowly."
+
+When we had resumed our old position under the hedge, and I had removed
+my boots, I said:
+
+"Now, then, I think I've earned a pipe and a short nap. You amuse
+yourself in any way you like."
+
+"Do _what_ with myself?" she asked, rather sharply.
+
+She walked twice round the field, and then I fell off to sleep. It
+turned out afterward that she also did the picturesque old church for
+the third time, and went over a house which was to let, refusing to
+take it on the ground that there was no bath-room. This was rather
+dishonest, as she would not have taken it if there had been a
+bath-room, or even two bath-rooms. I would not do that kind of thing
+myself. I awoke about tea-time. The charge for tea at the inn was very
+moderate, though Eliza said that there was tea which was tea, and tea
+which was an insult.
+
+Eliza found that there was a train back at half-past six, and said she
+was going by it, whether I did or not, because it was a pity to have
+too much of a good thing, and she hadn't the face to ask for the keys
+of that church again. I accompanied her. I fancy that the brown leather
+is liable to shrink in the sun, and I was not unwilling to get back to
+my slippers and stretch myself out on the sofa.
+
+There is nothing like a long day in the country; quite apart from the
+enjoyment, you feel that it is doing you so much good. I am sorry that
+Eliza did not seem to enter into the spirit of the thing more.
+
+
+
+
+THE MUSHROOM
+
+
+We were at breakfast one morning in the summer when the girl entered
+rather excitedly and said that to the best of her belief there was a
+mushroom coming in the little lawn in front of the house. It seemed a
+most extraordinary thing, and Eliza and I both went out to look at it.
+There was certainly something white coming through the turf; the only
+question was, whether or not it was a mushroom. The girl seemed certain
+about it. "Why," she said, "in my last place mushrooms was frequent.
+You see, being wealthy, they had anything they fancied. If I didn't
+know about mushrooms, I ought to!" There is a familiarity in that
+girl's manner which to my mind is highly objectionable. The
+establishment where she was formerly employed was apparently on a scale
+that we do not attempt. That does not justify her, however, in
+continually drawing comparisons. I shall certainly have something to
+say to her about it.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+However, it was not about Jane that I intended to speak, but about the
+mushroom.
+
+Eliza said that I ought to put a flowerpot over the mushroom, because,
+being visible from the road, some one might be tempted to come in and
+steal it. But I was too deep for that. "No," I replied, "if you put an
+inverted plant-pot there everybody will guess that you are hiding a
+mushroom underneath it. Just put a scrap of newspaper over it."
+
+"But that might get blown away!"
+
+"Fasten down one corner of it with a hairpin."
+
+Eliza said that I was certainly one to think of things. I believe there
+is truth in that. On my way to the station I happened to meet Mr.
+Bungwall's gardener (a most obliging and respectful man), and had a
+word with him about the mushroom. He said that he would come round in
+the evening and have a look at it.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+I was pleased to find (on my return) that the mushroom was still in the
+garden under the newspaper, and had increased slightly in size.
+
+"This," I said to Eliza, "is very satisfactory."
+
+"It would make a nice little present to send to mother," Eliza
+observed.
+
+There I could not entirely agree with her. I pointed out that in a
+week's time I should probably be applying to her mother for a small
+temporary loan. I did not think it an honourable thing to attempt to
+influence her mind beforehand by sending a present. I wished her to
+approach the question of the loan purely in a business spirit. I added
+that I thought we would leave the mushroom to grow for one more day,
+and then have it for breakfast. That ultimately was decided upon.
+
+Then Mr. Bungwall's gardener arrived, and said that he was sorry to
+disappoint us in any way, and it was not his fault, but the mushroom
+was a toadstool.
+
+"This," I said to Eliza, "is something of a blow."
+
+"Perhaps," she said, "Mr. Bungwall's gardener is mistaken."
+
+"I fear not. But, however, I happened to mention about that mushroom to
+our head clerk this morning, and he said that he thoroughly understood
+mushrooms, and had made a small profit by growing them. To-morrow
+morning I will pick that toadstool or mushroom, as the case may be,
+take it up to the city, and ask him about it."
+
+Eliza agreed that this would be the best way.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+But at breakfast next morning she seemed thoughtful and somewhat
+depressed. I asked her what she was thinking about.
+
+"It's like this," she said. "If your head clerk says that our toadstool
+is a mushroom, while Mr. Bungwall's gardener says that our mushroom is
+a toadstool, we sha'n't like to eat it because of Mr. Bungwall's
+gardener, and we sha'n't like to throw it away because of your head
+clerk, and I don't see what to do with it."
+
+"You forget, my dear. We have a third opinion. Jane says the mushroom
+is a mushroom."
+
+"Jane will say anything."
+
+"Well, we might put her to the test. We might ask her if she'd like to
+eat the mushroom herself, and then if she says yes and seems pleased,
+why, of course we'd eat it. I'll go and pick it now."
+
+And when I went to do so I found that the mushroom had gone.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Eliza says that Mr. Bungwall's gardener told us it was a toadstool to
+keep us from picking it, and then stole it himself, because he knew
+that it was a mushroom.
+
+That may be. I should be sorry to believe it, because I have always
+found Mr. Bungwall's gardener such a very respectful man. To my mind
+there is an air of mystery over the whole affair.
+
+
+
+
+THE PLEASANT SURPRISE
+
+
+I had got the money by work done at home, out of office hours. It came
+to four pounds altogether. At first I thought I would use it to
+discharge a part of our debt to Eliza's mother. But it was very
+possible that she would send it back again, in which case the pence
+spent on the postal orders would be wasted, and I am not a man that
+wastes pennies. Also, it was not absolutely certain that she would send
+it back. I sent her a long letter instead--my long letters are almost
+her only intellectual pleasure. As for the four pounds, I reserved two
+for myself, for any incidental expenses, and decided to give two to
+Eliza. I did not mean simply to hand them to her, but to get up
+something in the way of a pleasant surprise.
+
+I had tried something of the kind before. Eliza once asked me for six
+shillings for a new tea-tray that she had seen. I went and stood behind
+her chair, and said, "No, dear, I couldn't think of it," at the same
+time dropping the six shillings down the back of her neck. Eliza said
+it was a pity I couldn't give her six shillings for a tea-tray without
+compelling her to go up-stairs and undress at nine o'clock in the
+morning. It was not a success.
+
+However, I had more than one idea in my head. This time I thought I
+would first find out if there was anything she wanted.
+
+So on Sunday at tea-time I said, not as if I were meaning anything in
+particular, "Is there anything you want, Eliza?"
+
+"Yes," she said; "I want a general who'll go to bed at half-past nine
+and get up at half-past five. If they'd only do that, that's all I
+ask."
+
+"You will pardon me, Eliza," I said, "but you are not speaking
+correctly. You said that was all that you asked. What you meant----"
+
+"Do you know what I meant?"
+
+"I flatter myself that I know precisely----"
+
+"Then if you know precisely what I meant, I must have spoken
+accurately."
+
+But as we went to church I discovered that she wanted a new jacket. Her
+own was trimmed rabbit, and had been good, but the fur had gone bald in
+places.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Next morning I wrote on a sheet of note-paper, "To buy a new jacket.
+With your husband's love." I folded the two sovereigns up in this, and
+dropped the packet into the pocket of Eliza's old jacket, as it hung in
+the wardrobe, not telling her what I had done. My idea was that she
+would put on the jacket to go out shopping in the morning, and putting
+her hand in the pocket, get a pleasant surprise. As I was leaving for
+town, she asked me why I kept on smiling so mysteriously. I replied,
+"Perhaps you, too, will smile before the day is over."
+
+On my return I found Eliza at the front door. "Come and look," she
+said, cheerfully. "I have got a pleasant surprise for you." She flung
+open the drawing-room door, and pointed. In the middle of the table
+stood a _spiraea_, a most handsome and graceful plant. It stood in one
+of the best saucers, with some coloured paper round the pot, and the
+general effect was very good. I at once guessed that she had bought it
+for me with the change from my present to her, and thought it showed
+very good feeling in her.
+
+"I hope you have not given too much for this," I said.
+
+"I didn't give any money for it."
+
+"I don't understand."
+
+"Well, you must know I had a present this morning."
+
+"Of course I know."
+
+"Did mother tell you? Yes, she has sent me a beautiful new jacket. Then
+a man came round with a barrow of plants, and he said he didn't want
+money if I had any clothes to spare. So I gave him my old worn-out
+jacket for this _spiraea_, and----"
+
+I remembered that I had seen the man with the barrow farther down the
+street.
+
+"Excuse me for one moment, Eliza," I said, and dashed out after him.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+He was a big, red-faced man, and he made no difficulty about it at all.
+
+"Yes," he said, "I bought that jacket, gov'ner, and I don't deny it.
+There it is at the bottom of my bundle, and I ain't even looked at it
+since. Nor I ain't goin' to look now. You say there was two suvreigns
+in the pocket. A gent like you don't want to swindle a common man like
+me. If you say the two suvreigns was there, then they're there now, and
+I can return yer two pound out o' my own, in a suttunty of gettin' 'em
+back out o' the jacket pocket. Bless yer! I knows an honest man when I
+sees one."
+
+With these words he drew the money from his own waistcoat pocket, and
+handed it to me. I took it with some reluctance.
+
+"Hadn't you better make quite certain----"
+
+"Not a bit," says he. "If them suvreigns were there when the jacket
+were 'anded to me, they is there now. I could see as you was a man to
+be trusted, otherwise I'd 'ave undone the bundle and searched long
+afore this."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"What have you been doing?" said Eliza, on my return.
+
+"Never mind. Your mother has given you a new jacket. Let me have the
+pleasure of giving you a new hat." I pressed the two coins into her
+palm.
+
+She looked at them, and said, "You can't get a hat for a halfpenny, you
+know, dear. What did you rush out for just now? And why did you have
+these two farthings gilded? You'll be mistaking them for sovereigns, if
+you're not careful. Were you trying to take me in?"
+
+I did not quite see what to say for the moment, and so I took her
+suggestion. I explained that it was a joke.
+
+"You don't look much as if you were joking."
+
+"But I was. I suppose I ought to know if any man does. However, Eliza,
+if you want a new hat, anything up to half a sovereign, you've only to
+say it."
+
+She said it, thanked me, and asked me to come and help her water the
+_spiraea_.
+
+"It's such a shapely _spiraea_," she said.
+
+"Yes," I answered sadly, "it's a regular plant." And so it was, though
+I had not been intending what the French call a _double entendre_ at
+the time.
+
+
+
+
+THE MOPWORTHS
+
+
+I must say that both Eliza and myself felt a good deal of contempt for
+the Mopworths. We had known them for three years, and that gave us a
+claim; Peter Mopworth was a connection of Eliza's by marriage, and that
+also gave us a claim; further, our social position gave us a claim.
+Nevertheless, the Mopworths were to have their annual party on the
+following Wednesday, and they had not invited us.
+
+"Upon my soul," I exclaimed, "I never in my life heard of anything so
+absolutely paltry."
+
+"I can't think why it is," said Eliza.
+
+"Oh, we're not good enough for them. We all know who his father was,
+and we all know what he is--a petty provincial shopkeeper! A gentleman
+holding important employment in one of the principal mercantile firms
+in the city isn't good enough for him. If I'm permitted to clean his
+boots I'm sure I ought to be thankful. Oh, yes! Of course! No doubt!"
+
+"You do get so sarcastic," observed Eliza.
+
+"That's nothing--nothing to what I should be if I let myself go. But I
+don't choose to let myself go. I don't think he's worth it, and I don't
+think she's worth it either. It's a pity, perhaps, that they don't know
+that they're making themselves ridiculous, but it can't be helped.
+Personally, I sha'n't give the thing another thought."
+
+"That's the best thing to do," said Eliza.
+
+"Of course it is. Why trouble one's head about people of that class?
+And, I say, Eliza, if you meet that Mopworth woman in the street,
+there's no occasion for you to recognize her."
+
+"That would look as if we were terribly cut up because we hadn't been
+asked to their party."
+
+"Possibly. Whereas, I don't even consider it worth talking about."
+
+We discussed the Mopworths and their party for another hour and a half,
+and then went to bed.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"Lying awake last night," I said at breakfast next morning, "I couldn't
+help thinking over the different things we have done for those
+serpents."
+
+"What serpents?"
+
+"Those contemptible Mopworths. I wonder if they have any feelings of
+shame? If they have, they must blush when they think of the way they
+have treated us."
+
+"I can't think why they've left us out. Perhaps it's a mistake."
+
+"Not a bit of it. I've been expecting this for some time. Of course he
+has made money. I don't say--I would rather _not_ say--how he has made
+it. But it seems to have turned his head. However, after this I shall
+probably never mention him again."
+
+Eliza began to talk about the weather. I told her that Mopworth had
+done things which, personally, I should have been very sorry to do, and
+that I should be reluctant to adopt his loud style of dress.
+
+"But, of course," I added, "no gentleman ever does dress like that."
+
+Eliza said that if I intended to catch my train I had better start.
+
+I started.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+On my return I said to Eliza that, though the whole subject was
+distasteful to me, there was one point to which I had given a few
+moments' consideration. Reluctant though I was to sully my lips with
+the name of Mopworth, I felt it a duty to myself to say that even if
+the Mopworths had asked us to their annual party I should have refused
+point-blank.
+
+"Really?" said Eliza. This annoyed me slightly. She ought to have seen,
+without being told, that it was impossible for people like us to
+continue to know people like them.
+
+"I am accustomed," I replied, "to say just exactly what I mean. As far
+as I can remember, I have lately more than once asked you to drop the
+Mopworths. If I have not actually done it, it has been in my mind to do
+so. They are connected to us by marriage, and I am not unduly proud,
+but still I feel that we must draw the line somewhere. I do not care to
+have Mopworth bragging about the place that he is on intimate terms
+with us."
+
+"Well," said Eliza, "there aren't such a lot of people who ever ask us
+to anything. Miss Sakers is friendly, of course, especially when there
+are subscriptions on for the bazaar or the new organ, but she doesn't
+carry it to that point."
+
+"Quite so," I said, "and I'm by no means certain about Miss Sakers. She
+may be all right. I hope she is. But I candidly confess that I by no
+means like her manner."
+
+At this moment the girl brought in a note, delivered by hand, from Mrs.
+Mopworth. It said that she had sent an invitation to Eliza but had had
+no reply. She felt so certain that the invitation must have been
+delayed in the post (which was not surprising, considering the season),
+that she had ventured to write again, though it might be against
+etiquette. She hoped that we should both be able to come, and said that
+on the previous occasion I had been the life and soul of the party.
+
+"Well," I said, "Eliza, what would you like to do?"
+
+"Oh, I'm going!" she replied.
+
+"Then if you insist, I shall go with you. I've never had a word to say
+against Mrs. Mopworth. It is true that _he_ is not in every particular
+what--well, what I should care to be myself. Possibly he has not had my
+advantages. I do not want to judge him too harshly. My dress clothes
+are put away with my summer suit in the second drawer in the box-room.
+Just put them to the fire to get the creases out. And, Eliza, write a
+friendly note to Mrs. Mopworth, implying that we had never heard of the
+party. I saw from the first that the omission was a mistake."
+
+Eliza went away smiling. Women are so variable.
+
+
+
+
+THE PEN-WIPER
+
+
+Eliza always works me some little pretty trifle for my birthday, and
+always has done so since the day when I led her to the hymeneal altar.
+But it is not done at all as a matter of course. During the days before
+my birthday, when she is working at the present, she keeps a clean
+handkerchief by her side, and flings it over the work to hide it when I
+enter the room. This makes it more of a surprise when the day comes. As
+a rule, I whistle a few bars in a careless way before entering the
+room, so as to give her plenty of time to get the work under the
+handkerchief. There is no definite arrangement about this. I merely do
+what good taste dictates. Last year, instead of the handkerchief, she
+kept a large table-napkin by her side when she was working. However,
+though I did not tell her so, this let the secret out. I knew that she
+must be doing me a pair of slippers.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+This year, on my birthday, when I came down to breakfast, I found
+placed before me the hot-water plate with the tin cover to it--a very
+useful article when there happens to be an invalid in the house.
+
+Eliza, bending down behind the tea-cosy to hide her smile, told me to
+be quick with my breakfast, in rather a censorious voice. I lifted the
+tin cover, and there on the plate was the pen-wiper which Eliza had
+made for me.
+
+This rather graceful and amusing way of giving a present is not really
+Eliza's own invention. I did it some years ago when I gave her a
+pincushion. As the pincushion was made to imitate a poached egg (and
+really very like), perhaps the humour in that instance had rather more
+point. However, I do not say this at all to find fault with Eliza. I am
+rather one to think of novelties, and if Eliza cares to copy any of
+them, so much the better.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+The top and bottom of the pen-wiper which Eliza had made for me were of
+black velvet, which always has a handsome look to my mind. On the top
+was worked in gold beads, "Kindly clean the pen." The interior was
+composed of several folds of very pale shades of art muslin. Only the
+day before Messrs. Howlett & Bast had refused to send any more
+patterns, as the last lot sent had not been returned, though twice
+applied for. I understood that now.
+
+However, it made a very good pen-wiper, in pleasant, simple taste, and
+I thanked Eliza for it several times most warmly. At my suggestion it
+was placed on the centre-table in the drawing-room. One never wrote
+there, but it seemed naturally to belong to the drawing-room.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+So far, my birthday had gone happily enough. In the evening, when I
+returned from the city, I sat down to write a short, sharp note to
+Messrs. Howlett & Bast. I explained to them that by their impertinence
+they were running a grave risk of entirely losing my custom, and
+suggested to them that the lot of patterns to which they referred might
+very possibly have been lost in the post.
+
+When I had finished the letter, I wiped my pen on the inside of my
+coat. This is my general custom. Some men wipe their pens on their
+hair,--not a very cleanly habit, in my opinion,--besides, unless the
+colour of the hair is exceptionally dark, the ink shows.
+
+I had no sooner wiped my pen on the inside of my coat than I remembered
+Eliza's present. Determined to show her that I appreciated it, I took a
+full dip of ink, stepped into the drawing-room, and wiped the pen on
+the new pen-wiper. Then I called up-stairs: "Eliza, I have just found
+your present very useful. Would you like to come and look?" She
+happened to be fastening something up the back at the time, but she
+came down a minute afterward.
+
+She picked up the pen-wiper, looked at it, exclaimed "Ruined!" and then
+walked rapidly out of the room. I followed her, and asked what was the
+matter.
+
+It appeared that the words, "Kindly clean the pen," meant that the pen
+was to be cleaned on a scrap of paper before the pen-wiper was used.
+Eliza said that I might have known that the pretty muslin was not
+intended to be a perfect mess of ink.
+
+"Well," I said, "I didn't know. That's all there is to say about it."
+
+But it was not, apparently, all that there was to say about it. In
+fact, the whole thing cast an unpleasant shade over the evening of my
+birthday. Finally I took a strong line, and refused to speak at all.
+
+
+
+
+THE 9.43
+
+
+In the course of conversation on Saturday evening it had transpired
+that Eliza had never been in St. Paul's Cathedral. "Then," I said, "you
+shall go there to-morrow morning; I will take you."
+
+"I'm sure I'm agreeable," said Eliza.
+
+On the Sunday morning one or two little things had happened to put me
+out. At breakfast I had occasion to say that the eggs were stone-cold,
+and Eliza contradicted me. It was very absurd of her. As I pointed out
+to her, what earthly motive could I have for saying that an egg was
+cold if it was not? What should I gain by it? Of course she had no
+answer--that is, no reasonable answer. Then after breakfast I broke my
+boot-lace in two places. No, I was not angry. I hope I can keep my
+temper as well as most men. But I was in a state of mind bordering on
+the irritable.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Eliza came down-stairs, dressed for going out, asked me why I was not
+ready, and said we should miss the 9.43.
+
+"Indeed!" said I. "And what, precisely, might you mean by the 9.43?"
+
+"I mean, precisely, the train which leaves here for the city at
+seventeen minutes to ten."
+
+"One of your usual mistakes," I replied. "The train is 9.53, and not
+9.43."
+
+"Have you a time-table?" she asked.
+
+"No."
+
+"Because if you had a time-table I could show you that you are wrong.
+Why, I _know_ it's the 9.43."
+
+"If I had a time-table I could show you most certainly that it is the
+9.53. Not that you'd believe it, even then. You're too obstinate,
+Eliza--too certain of yourself!"
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"Look here!" I observed, after she had argued that point at some
+length, "let us come back to the original subject of discussion. Which
+of us travels most to and from London? That is the reasonable way to
+settle it."
+
+"You do, on week-days. But you never go on Sundays, and the Sunday
+trains are different."
+
+"I am fully aware of the difference. Every day I am thrown into
+constant contact with the time-tables. Only last night I was looking at
+them at the station. As far as I know, my memory is not going."
+
+"No more is mine."
+
+"Really? A week ago I purchased and brought home six new collars. They
+are not marked. Why? Because you forgot them! At this very moment that
+I am speaking to you I am wearing an unmarked collar."
+
+"Yes; but I only forgot them one day."
+
+"Then why did you not mark them on the other days?"
+
+"Because on the other days you forgot to bring home the marking-ink."
+
+"'M, yes," I said. "In a sense that is true. I have my own business to
+attend to in the city without always thinking about marking-ink. But
+what has that got to do with it? And why bring it in? We are not
+talking about marking-ink; we are talking about trains!"
+
+She said that I began it, and of course I pointed out to her that I had
+done nothing of the kind.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+We argued for some little time as to which of us had begun it, and then
+Eliza said, in her spiteful way--
+
+"We are not talking about which of us began it; we are talking about
+trains!"
+
+"It's very little use talking to you about trains. I know you're wrong!
+I would stake my life, cheerfully, that it is 9.53, and not 9.43. But
+you'd never own you're wrong; you're too obstinate for that!"
+
+"Of course I don't own I'm wrong, because I'm not wrong! That would be
+silly!" she added, reflectively. "Even if it was 9.53, I shouldn't be
+wrong. All I said was, that we should miss the 9.43. Well, if there is
+no 9.43, we cannot catch it; and what you don't catch, you miss!"
+
+"Absurd nonsense! If you do not catch scarlet fever, you do not say
+that you miss it!"
+
+She replied: "We are not talking about scarlet fever; we are talking
+about trains!"
+
+"Bah!" I exclaimed. I should have added more, but at this moment the
+clock on the dining-room mantelpiece struck ten.
+
+
+
+
+THE CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+I had bought the little book at the station stall, and it seemed to be
+very well worth the sixpence which I paid for it. It was entitled
+"Everybody's Book of Bright and Original Conundrums." Of course I had
+an idea in my head in buying the book; I am not the man to throw away
+my money to no purpose. I thought that these conundrums would be not
+only a pleasant amusement, but also a valuable intellectual exercise to
+Eliza and myself during the winter evenings. Then we could use them for
+social purposes during the Christmas party season. I do not know how it
+may be with others, but I have often found, when introduced to a lady,
+that I have said "Good evening," and then had absolutely nothing else
+to say. With the help of the conundrum book I would fill in any awkward
+pause by asking her who was the most amiable king in history. That
+would break the ice. Besides, if we kept the book reasonably clean, it
+might afterward make a very serviceable and acceptable present to
+Eliza's mother. I generally know pretty well what I am doing, I think.
+I looked at two or three of the conundrums on the way home. There was
+one which I do not remember precisely, but remarkably clever--something
+about training the shoot and shooting the train. I often wonder who it
+is who thinks of these things.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+I was, perhaps, rather unfortunate in the evening when I brought the
+book home. Something may have occurred to put Eliza out; she was
+inclined to be quite sharp with me. I asked her, gaily, in the passage
+when I came in, "Can you tell me, dearest, the difference between a
+camel and a corkscrew? If not, here is a little volume which will
+inform you."
+
+"Oh, yes! One's used for drawing corks, and the other isn't. You
+needn't have wasted sixpence on a rubbishy book to tell me that."
+
+"But your answer is not the correct one," I replied. "The correct
+answer contains a joke. Think again."
+
+"Well, I can't, then. I've got the wash to count."
+
+I said that the wash could wait, but she would not appear to hear me,
+and went off up-stairs.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+At supper I took occasion to say:
+
+"You answered me very tartly when I asked you this afternoon for the
+difference between a camel and a corkscrew. Perhaps you would not have
+done so had you known that I bought that book with the intention of
+sending it as a present to your mother."
+
+"Do you think ma would care about it?"
+
+"I think it would cheer her lonely hours. There are upwards of a
+thousand conundrums in the book. I have only read twelve, but I found
+them all exceedingly amusing, and, at the same time, perfectly
+refined."
+
+"Well, I don't see the good of them."
+
+"They are an intellectual exercise, if you try to guess the right
+answer."
+
+"I don't believe anybody ever did or ever will guess the right answer."
+
+"If I had time," I said, "I believe I could generally think out a witty
+answer myself. I do not want to boast, but I believe so."
+
+"Very well, then," said Eliza, snatching up the book and opening it at
+random, "here's one for you. 'If a lady slipped down the steps of St.
+Paul's Cathedral, what would she say?' Give me the answer to that."
+
+"I will try to," I replied.
+
+Now, just at the moment when Eliza put the question I felt that I had
+really got the answer, and then it seemed to pass away from me. Later
+in the evening I was certainly on the right track, when Eliza dropped
+her scissors, and the noise again put me off. I spent a very poor
+night; the answer kept sort of coming and going. Just as I was dropping
+off to sleep, I seemed to have thought of the answer, and then I would
+wake up to be sure of it, and find it had slipped me again.
+
+As I was leaving the office, in the evening, after thinking till my
+head ached without arriving at any result, I put the question to one of
+our clerks. I thought he might possibly know.
+
+"No," he said, "I don't know what a lady would say if she slipped down
+those steps. I could make a fair guess at what a man would say, if
+that's any good to you." Of course it was not.
+
+So, on my return home, I told Eliza that I had not had enough time to
+spare to think of the answer, and I should be glad to know where she
+had put the book.
+
+"Oh, I sent that to mother!" she said. "I thought you wanted it sent."
+
+"You might have waited until you knew whether I had finished with it.
+But, however, what was the answer to that silly riddle?"
+
+"The one about St. Paul's Cathedral? That wasn't in the book at all. I
+made up the question out of my own head for fun."
+
+"Then," I replied, "all I can say is, that your idea of fun is not
+mine. It seems to me to be acting a lie. It was not a conundrum at
+all."
+
+"It would have been if you could have thought of an answer."
+
+"Say no more," I replied, coldly. "I prefer to drop the subject."
+
+
+
+
+THE INK
+
+
+The ink-pot contained a shallow sediment, with short hairs, grit, and a
+little moisture in it. It came out on the pen in chunks. When I had
+spoiled the second postcard, Eliza said I was not to talk like that.
+
+"Very well, then," I said, "why don't you have the ink-pot refilled?
+I'm not made of postcards, and I hate waste."
+
+She replied that anybody would think I was made of something to hear me
+talk. I thought I had never heard a poorer retort, and told her so. I
+did not stay to argue it further, as I had to be off to the city. On my
+return I found the ink-pot full. "This," I thought to myself, "is very
+nice of Eliza." I had a letter I wanted to write, and sat down to it.
+
+I wrote one word, and it came out a delicate pale gray. I called Eliza
+at once. I was never quieter in my manner, and it was absurd of her to
+say that I needn't howl the house down.
+
+"We will not discuss that," I replied. "Just now I sat down to write a
+letter----"
+
+"What do you want to write letters for now? You might just as well have
+done them at the office."
+
+I shrugged my shoulders in a Continental manner. "You are probably not
+aware that I was writing to your own mother. She has so few pleasures.
+If you do not feel rebuked now----"
+
+"I don't think mamma will lend you any more if you do write."
+
+"We will not enter into that. Why did you fill the ink-pot with water?"
+
+"I didn't."
+
+"Then who did?"
+
+"Nobody did. I didn't think of it until tea-time, and then--well, the
+tea was there."
+
+I once read a story where a man laughed a low, mirthless laugh. The
+laugh came to me quite naturally on this occasion. "Say no more," I
+said. "This is contemptible. Now I forbid you to get the ink--I will
+get it myself."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+On the following night she asked me if I had bought that ink. I
+replied, "No, Eliza; it has been an exceptionally busy day, and I have
+not had the time."
+
+"I thought you had forgotten it, perhaps."
+
+"I supposed you would say that," I said. "In you it does not surprise
+me."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+A week later Eliza said that she wanted to do her accounts. "I am glad
+of that," I said. "Now you will know the misery of living without ink
+in the house."
+
+"No, I sha'n't," she said, "because I always do my accounts in pencil."
+
+"About three months ago I asked you to fill that ink-pot with ink. Why
+is it not done?"
+
+"Because you also definitely forbade me to get any ink to fill it with.
+And you said you'd get it yourself. And it wasn't three months ago."
+
+"I always knew you could not argue, Eliza," I replied. "But I am sorry
+to see that your memory is failing you as well."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+On the next day I bought a penny bottle of ink and left it behind me in
+an omnibus. There was another bottle (this must have been a week later)
+which I bought, but dropped on the pavement, where it broke. I did not
+mention these things to Eliza, but I asked her how much longer she was
+going to cast a shade over our married life by neglecting to fill the
+ink-pot.
+
+"Why," she said, "that has been done days and days ago! How can you be
+so unjust?"
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+It was as she had said. I made up my mind at once to write to Eliza's
+mother--who, rightly or wrongly, considers that I have a talent for
+letter-writing. I felt happier now than I had done for some time, and
+made up my mind to tell Eliza that I had forgiven her. I wrote a long,
+cheerful letter to her mother, and thought I would show it to Eliza
+before I posted it. I called up-stairs to her, "Come down, darling, and
+see what I've done."
+
+Then I sat down again, and knocked the ink-pot over. The ink covered
+the letter, the table, my clothes, and the carpet; a black stream of it
+wandered away looking for something else to spoil.
+
+Then Eliza came down and saw what I had done. To this day she cannot
+see that it was partly her own fault. The bottle, of course, was too
+full.
+
+
+
+
+THE PUBLIC SCANDAL
+
+
+I am not a landlord. It suits my purpose better, and is in every way
+more convenient, to rent a small house on a yearly agreement. But if I
+were a landlord, I would not allow any tenant of mine to do anything
+that tended to undermine and honeycomb the gentility of the district. I
+should take a very short method with such a tenant. I should say to him
+or her: "Now, then, either this stops, or you go out this instant."
+That would settle it. However, I am not a landlord.
+
+Even as a tenant I take a very natural interest in the district in
+which I live. I chose the district carefully, because it was
+residential, and not commercial. The houses are not very large, and
+they might be more solidly built, but they are not shops. They have
+electric bells, and small strips of garden, and a generally genteel
+appearance. Two of the houses in Arthur Street are occupied by
+piano-tuners, and bear brass plates. I do not object to that.
+Piano-tuning is a profession, and I suppose that, in a way, I should be
+considered a professional man myself. Nor do I object to the letting of
+apartments, as long as it is done modestly, and without large, vulgar
+notice-boards. But the general tone of the district is good, and I do
+most strongly object to anything which would tend to lower it.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+It was, as far as I remember, on the Tuesday evening that Eliza rather
+lost her temper about the hairpins, and said that if I kept on taking
+them and taking them she did not see how she was to do her hair at all.
+
+This seemed to me rather unjust. I had not taken the hairpins for my
+own pleasure. The fact is that the waste-pipe from the kitchen sink
+frequently gets blocked, and a hairpin will often do it when nothing
+else will. I replied coldly, but without temper, that in future I would
+have hairpins of my own.
+
+She said: "What nonsense!"
+
+At this I rose, and went up-stairs to bed.
+
+I think that most people who know me know that I am a man of my word.
+On the following morning, before breakfast, I went into the High Street
+to buy a pennyworth of hairpins. The short cut from our road into the
+High Street is down Bloodstone Terrace.
+
+It was in Bloodstone Terrace that I witnessed a sight which pained and
+surprised me very much. It disgusted me. It was a disgrace to the
+district, and amounted to a public scandal. St. Augustine's--which is
+the third house in the terrace--had taken in washing, and not only had
+taken in washing, but were using their front garden as a drying-ground!
+An offensive thing of that kind makes my blood boil.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"Eliza," I said, as I brushed my hat preparatory to leaving for the
+city, "I intend to write to Mr. Hamilton to-day."
+
+"Have you got the money, then?" Eliza asked, eagerly.
+
+"If you refer to last quarter's rent, I do not mean to forward it
+immediately. A certain amount of credit is usual between landlord and
+tenant. An established firm of agents like Hamilton & Bland must know
+that."
+
+"Yesterday was the third time they've written for the money, anyhow,
+and you can say what you like. What are you writing for, then?"
+
+"I have a complaint to make."
+
+"Well, I wouldn't make any complaints until I'd paid last quarter, if I
+were you. They'll only turn you out."
+
+"I think not. I make the complaint in their interest. When a tenant in
+Bloodstone Terrace is acting in a way calculated to bring the whole
+neighbourhood into disrepute, and depreciate the value of house
+property, the agents would probably be glad to hear of it."
+
+"Well, you're missing your train. You run off, and don't write any
+letters until to-night. Then you can talk about it, if you like."
+
+In the evening, at supper, Eliza said she had been down Bloodstone
+Terrace, and could not see what I was making all the fuss about.
+
+"It is simply this," I said. "St. Augustine's is converted into a
+laundry, and the front garden used as a drying-ground in a way that, to
+my mind, is not decent."
+
+"Yes," said Eliza, "that's Mrs. Pedder. The poor woman has to do
+something for her living. She's just started, and only got one job at
+present. It would be cruel----"
+
+"Not at all. Let her wash, if she must wash, but let her wash somewhere
+else. I cannot have these offensive rags flapping in my face when I
+walk down the street."
+
+"They're not offensive rags. I'm most particular about your things."
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"It's your things that she washes. I thought I'd give her a start."
+
+I dashed off half a glass of beer, put the glass down with a bang, and
+flung myself back in the chair without a word.
+
+"Don't behave in that silly way," said Eliza. "She's a halfpenny
+cheaper on the shirt than the last woman."
+
+"You need not mention that," I replied. "In any case I shall not
+complain now. I must bear the burden of any mistakes that you make. I
+am well aware of it."
+
+"I'll tell her to hang them out at the back in future."
+
+"She can hang them where she pleases. I suppose I can bear it. It's
+only one more trial to bear. One thing goes after another."
+
+"On the contrary," said Eliza, "she's never lost as much as a collar.
+There's a smut on your nose."
+
+"It can stop there," I said, moodily, and went out into the garden.
+
+
+
+
+THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR"
+
+
+The "Christian Martyr" was what is called an engraving, and a very
+tasteful thing, too, besides being the largest picture we had. It
+represented a young woman, drowned, floating down a river by night,
+with her hands tied, and a very pleasing expression on her face. With
+the frame (maple, and a gilt border inside) it came to three-and-six. I
+bought it in the Edgware Road on my own responsibility, and carried it
+home. I thought Eliza would like it, and she did.
+
+"Poor thing!" she said. "You can see she must have been a lady, too.
+But frightfully dusty!"
+
+"You can't get everything for three-and-six. If you'd been under the
+counter in a dirty little----"
+
+"Well, all right! I wasn't complaining; but I like things clean." And
+she took the "Christian Martyr" into the kitchen.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+"Where did you mean to put it?" asked Eliza.
+
+"The only good place would be between 'The Charge of the Light Brigade'
+and 'The Stag at Bay.'"
+
+"What! In the dining-room?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"Well, I shouldn't," said Eliza. "It's a sacred subject, and we use the
+drawing-room on Sundays. That's the place."
+
+"I think I can trust my own taste," I said. I got a brass-headed nail
+and a hammer, and began. Eliza said afterward that she had known the
+chair would break before ever I stood on it.
+
+"Then you might have mentioned it," I said, coldly. "However, you shall
+learn that when I have made up my mind to do a thing, I do it." I rang
+the bell, and told the girl to fetch the steps.
+
+I hung the "Christian Martyr," and was very pleased with the effect.
+The whole room looked brighter and more cheerful. I asked Eliza what
+she thought, and she answered, as I expected, that the picture ought to
+have been in the drawing-room.
+
+"Eliza," I said, "there is one little fault which you should try to
+correct. It is pigheadedness."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+At breakfast next morning the picture was all crooked. I put it
+straight. Then the girl brought in the bacon, rubbed against the
+picture, and put it crooked again. I put it straight again, and sat
+down. The girl, in passing out, put it crooked once more.
+
+"Really," I said to Eliza, "this is a little too much!"
+
+"Then put some of it back."
+
+"I was not referring to what I have on my plate, but to that girl's
+conduct. I don't buy 'Christian Martyrs' for her to treat them in that
+way, and I think you should speak about it."
+
+"She can't get past without rubbing against it. You've put it so low. I
+said it would be better in the drawing-room."
+
+As usual, I kept my temper.
+
+"Eliza," I said, "have you already forgotten what I told you last
+night? We all of us--even the best of us--have our faults, but
+surely----"
+
+"While you're talking you're missing your train," she said.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+On my return from the city I went into the dining-room and found the
+picture gone. Eliza was sitting there as calmly as if nothing had
+happened.
+
+"Where is the 'Christian Martyr'?" I asked.
+
+"On the sofa in the drawing-room. You said yourself that it was only in
+the way in here. I thought you might like to hang it there."
+
+"I am not angry," I said, "but I am pained." Then I fetched the
+"Christian Martyr" and put it in its old place.
+
+"You are a funny man," said Eliza; "I never know what you want."
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+As we were going up to bed that night we heard a loud bang in the
+dining-room. The "Christian Martyr" was lying on the floor with the
+glass broken. It had also smashed a Japanese teapot.
+
+"I wish you'd never bought any 'Christian Martyr,'" said Eliza. "If
+we'd had a mad bull in the place it couldn't have been worse. I'm sure
+I'm not going to buy a new glass for it."
+
+So next day I bought a new glass myself in the city, and brought it
+back with me. But apparently Eliza had changed her mind, for a new
+glass had already been fitted in, and it was hanging in the
+dining-room, just where it had been before.
+
+As a reward to Eliza I took it down and put it up in the drawing-room.
+She smiled in a curious sort of way that I did not quite like. But I
+thought it best to say nothing more about it.
+
+
+
+
+THE PAGRAMS
+
+
+Properly speaking, we had quarrelled with the Pagrams.
+
+We both lived in the same street, and Pagram is in the same office as
+myself. For some time we were on terms. Then one night they looked in
+to borrow--well, I forget now precisely what it was, but they looked in
+to borrow something. A month afterward, as they had not returned it, we
+sent round to ask. Mrs. Pagram replied that it had already been
+returned, and Pagram--this was the damning thing--told me at the office
+in so many words that they had never borrowed it. Now, I hate anything
+like deception. So does Eliza. For two years or more Eliza and Mrs.
+Pagram have met in the street without taking the least notice of each
+other. I speak to Pagram in the office--being, as you might say, more
+or less paid to speak to him. But outside we have nothing to do with
+each other.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+It was on Wednesday morning, I think, at breakfast, that Eliza said:
+
+"I've just heard from Jane, who had it from the milkman--Mrs. Pagram
+had a baby born last night."
+
+"Well, that," I observed, "is of no earthly interest to us."
+
+"Of course it isn't. I only just mentioned it."
+
+"Is it a boy or girl?"
+
+"A girl. I only hope she will bring it up to speak the truth."
+
+I replied that she might hope what we did not expect. So far Eliza had
+taken just exactly the tone that I wanted. But as I watched her, I saw
+her expression change and her underlip pulled down on one side, as it
+were.
+
+"Well," I said rather sharply, "what is it? These people are nothing to
+us."
+
+"No. But--it reminded me--our little girl--my baby--that died. And I----"
+
+Here she put down her knife and fork, got up, and walked to the window.
+There she stood, with her back to me.
+
+I had a mind to speak to her about the foolishness of recalling what
+must be very upsetting to her. But I said nothing, and began to brush
+my silk hat briskly. It was about time that I was starting for the
+city.
+
+I went out.
+
+Then I came back, kissed Eliza, and went out again.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+I was a little surprised to find Pagram at the office.
+
+"I should have thought you'd have taken a day off," I said.
+
+"Can't afford that just now," he replied, in rather a surly way.
+
+"All well at home?"
+
+"No."
+
+"By my watch," I said, "that office clock's five minutes slow. What do
+you make it?"
+
+"Don't know. Left my watch at home."
+
+I had noticed that he was not wearing his watch. Later in the day I had
+some more conversation with him. He is quite my subordinate at the
+office, and I really don't know why I should have taken so much notice
+of him.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+When I came back that night I was in two minds whether to tell Eliza or
+not. She hates anything like extravagance, and if I told her I felt
+sure she would be displeased. At the same time, if I did not tell her,
+and she found it out afterward, she would be still more displeased.
+However, I decided to say nothing about it. I was a little nervous on
+the point, and I own that my conscience reproached me.
+
+As I came into the hall, Eliza came down the staircase. She was dressed
+for going out, and had a basket in her hand. She said: "I want you to
+let me go over to the Pagrams to see if I can do anything. She and the
+baby are both very ill,--the nurse has had no sleep,--they've no one
+else to help them. And--and I'm going!"
+
+"Now, do you think this is necessary, Eliza?" I began. "When you come
+to consider the position we've taken up with regard to the Pagrams for
+two years, and the scandalous way in which they----"
+
+Here I stopped. The hall door was shut, and Eliza had gone, and it was
+not worth while to continue.
+
+"Now," I thought to myself, "it's ten to one that Eliza finds me out,
+and if she does, she'll probably make herself unpleasant." However, I
+determined not to trouble myself about it. If it came to that, I
+flattered myself that I could make myself as unpleasant as most people
+when any occasion arose.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+It was hours before Eliza returned. She burst into the room and said,
+"They're both better, and the baby's a beauty, and I'm to go back
+to-morrow afternoon."
+
+"Indeed!" I said. "I don't know that you're not going a little too far
+with these people."
+
+"Do you think so? I've found you out. You didn't tell me, but Pagram
+did. You lent him three pounds this morning. We can't afford that."
+
+"Well, well," I said; "I've managed to get some overtime work, to begin
+next week. That--that'll come out all right. You ought to leave these
+business matters to me. Anyhow, it's no good finding fault, and----"
+
+"Does Pagram generally return what's lent?"
+
+I lost my temper and said that I didn't care a damn! And then--just
+then--I saw that she was not really displeased about it.
+
+"Why," she said, "you silly! I'm glad you did it. The poor things were
+at their wits' end, and had got--they'd got nothing! You've saved them,
+and I never have liked anything you've done half as much as this."
+
+Here Eliza burst into tears--which is really very unusual with her.
+
+
+
+
+PROMOTION
+
+
+How true it is, as one of our English poets has remarked, that it is
+always darkest before the silver lining!
+
+While this little work was actually in the hands of the printers, an
+incident occurred of such great and far-reaching importance that I
+cannot refrain from making it the subject of an additional paper. I can
+give it in one word--promotion.
+
+It came at a time when I was suffering from great depression and
+considerable irritation, as I have already indicated in my opening
+remark. It was on a Wednesday morning, and those who know me know that
+invariably on Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday I put on a clean shirt. The
+number may seem excessive, and perhaps out of proportion to my income,
+but I own without shame that I am careful as to my personal appearance.
+I must also add that I am very particularly careful--and, I think,
+rightly--on the question of the airing of linen.
+
+All I said was that I should put on that shirt, whether Eliza liked it
+or not, and that it would probably give me my death; but that it did
+not matter, and perhaps the sooner it was all over the better. There
+were circumstances under which life was hardly worth living, and when
+one's express injunctions were continually disregarded, one began to
+despair.
+
+Eliza spoke quite snappishly, and said that my linen was always
+properly aired, and that I was too fussy.
+
+I replied, without losing my temper, that there was airing and airing.
+Even now I cannot think that Eliza was either just or accurate.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+At breakfast-time one or two other little circumstances occurred to put
+me out. A teacup which is filled so full that it overflows into the
+saucer is a perfect thorn in the flesh to me. So is bacon which is
+burnt to a cinder. I hardly did more than mention it, but Eliza seemed
+put out; she said I did nothing but find fault, and as for the bacon, I
+had better go into the kitchen and find fault with the girl, for it was
+the girl who had cooked it.
+
+"On the contrary," I said, "in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred when
+a servant does wrong it is her mistress who deserves the censure."
+
+"Go it!" said Eliza, an expression which I do not think to be quite
+ladylike. "And if a hansom-cab runs over you in Oxford Street, you go
+and get the damages out of the Shah of Persia. That's the line to
+take."
+
+This answer exasperated me by its silliness, and I had quite made up my
+mind not to say another word of any kind during breakfast. Indeed, but
+for the fact that I had not quite finished my bacon and that I hate
+waste, I should have got up and walked out of the room there and then.
+
+A little later I happened to look up, and it struck me from Eliza's
+face that she might be going to cry. I therefore made a point of saying
+that the butter was better than we had been having lately, and that it
+looked like being a fine day after all. Anything like weakness is
+repellent to me, but still, when one sees that one's words have gone
+home, one is justified in not pressing the matter further.
+
+Still, I am prepared to own that I started for the city in but low
+spirits, and with no inclination to join in the frivolous conversation
+that was going on in the railway carriage. On arriving at the office I
+was surprised to find that Figgis, our head clerk, was not there. He
+gave me the tonic port, and was inclined to be dictatorial, but I must
+confess that he was always a most punctual man. I was very much
+surprised.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+Our senior partner, Mr. Bagshaw, came much earlier than usual,--10.30,
+to be precise,--and sent for me at once. He is a big, fat man; he
+speaks in short sentences, and breathes hard in between them. At the
+moment of entering his room I was as certain that I was about to be
+sacked as I have ever been of anything that I did not really know. I
+was wrong.
+
+He made me sit down, glared at me, and began:
+
+"Yesterday evening we detained Mr. Figgis for a few minutes. At the end
+of our interview with him he left this office for ever, never to
+return--never!"
+
+I said that I was very much astonished.
+
+"We weren't. We've known there was a leakage. People knew what we were
+doing--people who oughtn't to know. He sold information. We put on
+detectives. They proved it. See?"
+
+I said that I saw.
+
+"So you've got Figgis's place for the future. See?"
+
+At that moment you might have knocked me down with a feather; it was so
+absolutely unexpected. Give me time, and I think I can provide a few
+well-chosen words suitable to the occasion as well as any man. But now
+I could think of nothing to say but "Thank you."
+
+He went on to explain that this would mean an immediate rise of L75,
+and a prospective rise of a further L75 at the end of a year if my work
+was satisfactory. He said that I had not Figgis's abilities, of course,
+but that a very close eye had been kept on me lately, and I had shown
+myself to be honest, methodical, and careful in details. It was also
+believed that I should realize the importance of a responsible and
+confidential position, and that I should keep the men under me up to
+the mark.
+
+The rest of our conversation was concerned with my new duties, and at
+the close of it he handed me Figgis's keys--my own name and the office
+address had been already put on the label.
+
+I should not be fair to myself if I did not make some reference to Mr.
+Bagshaw's comparison of Figgis's abilities and my own. I will merely
+state the fact that on more than one occasion Figgis has gained success
+or avoided failure from suggestions made to him by myself. That he did
+not give me the credit for this with the firm is precisely what I
+should have expected from a man of that character. However, I have my
+opportunity now, and the firm will see.
+
+                     *      *      *      *      *
+
+When I returned to the clerks' office I found one of the juniors
+playing the fool.
+
+"I wish you'd stop that, please," I said, "and get on with your work."
+
+"Who gave you the right to give orders here?" he asked me, rudely.
+
+Fortunately, that was what I had expected he would say, and therefore I
+had my answer ready:
+
+"Mr. Bagshaw did, three minutes ago, when he made me head of this
+department in place of Mr. Figgis."
+
+And without another word I went calmly to Mr. Figgis's desk and
+unlocked it. The effect was remarkable, and gave me great pleasure.
+During the luncheon hour I received several congratulations, and was
+pressed to partake of liquor. But I had long ago made up my mind that
+if the firm ever did place me in a good and responsible position, I
+would give up alcohol during business hours altogether. I carried out
+that resolution, and shall continue to do so; Figgis, with all his
+so-called abilities, was frequently drowsy in the afternoon. Apart from
+that, I hope I was not wanting in geniality. I snatched a few moments
+to telegraph to Eliza: "Meet train to-night. Very good news for you."
+
+On my way to the station I purchased a small bottle of champagne,--it
+cost half a crown, but the price for this wine is always pretty stiff.
+I also took back with me in my bag a tinned tongue and some pears.
+
+Eliza was waiting for me, and was obviously excited. She had guessed
+what had happened.
+
+"Got Figgis's berth?" she said.
+
+"Yes. Let's get off the platform as soon as we can. Everybody's looking
+at us."
+
+We walked home very quickly, Eliza asking questions all the way, and
+looking, as I noticed, quite five years younger. After what I have said
+as to my purchases, I need not add that supper that night was a perfect
+banquet.
+
+We had a long discussion as to our future, and did not get to bed until
+past eleven. I was at first in favour of taking a rather better house,
+but Eliza thought we should do more wisely to spread the money over
+making ourselves more comfortable generally. When she came to go into
+it in detail, I found that on the whole hers was the preferable course.
+New curtains for the drawing-room are to be put in hand at once. The
+charwoman is to come regularly once a week. We raised the girl's wages
+a pound, and she went into hysterics. Eliza has insisted that I am to
+have a first-class season-ticket in future. There is much can be done
+with L75.
+
+On the whole, about the happiest evening of my life.
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Eliza, by Barry Pain
+
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