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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 11, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 11, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 3, 2007  [eBook #23726]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, MARCH 11, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 23726-h.htm or 23726-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/7/2/23726/23726-h/23726-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/7/2/23726/23726-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+MARCH 11, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+A contemporary describes one of the deported Nine as the Brain of the
+party. This is a distinction which just eluded Mr. BAIN.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Admiralty has decided that, in the place of the grand manoeuvres this
+year, there shall be a surprise mobilisation. Last year's manoeuvres were,
+we believe, something of a fiasco, but to ensure the success of the
+surprise mobilisation five months' previous notice is given.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Every man," says the Bishop of LONDON, "must be his own Columbus and find
+the continent of truth." This is the first time that we had heard America
+called the continent of truth, and one wonders where the present fashion of
+flattery is going to end.
+
+       * * *
+
+We read that a Russian writer named LUNATCHARSKY has been expelled from
+Germany. Is it possible that he is a relative of Mr. MAX BEERBOHM'S friend
+Kolniyatchi?
+
+       * * *
+
+At the Grand Military Meeting at Sandown Park, two young millionaires
+figured as amateur jockeys. We understand now the meaning of the expression
+"putting money on a horse."
+
+       * * *
+
+"Futurist frocks," we are told, were a feature of the Chelsea Arts Club
+ball. Just as in these days "Fancy Dress" often seems to mean that the
+dress is left to the fancy, Futurist frocks, we presume, are frocks that
+may appear in the future.
+
+       * * *
+
+An American journalist has been pointing out how London lags behind other
+great cities in the matter of shop-window dressing. There would seem to be
+no limit to our decadence. Even our shop-windows are inadequately clothed.
+
+       * * *
+
+A meeting has been held at Kingston to consider the possibility of
+providing "some counter attraction" for the young people who frequent the
+streets on Sunday evenings. Seeing that most of them are at the counter
+during the week--you catch the idea?
+
+       * * *
+
+"Monkey nuts are dangerous," said Dr. ROUND at an inquest last week.
+Judging by the mild-looking specimens one sees walking about in the streets
+appearances are certainly deceptive.
+
+       * * *
+
+A contemporary, by the way, propounds the question: Why does the "nut"
+always wear his headgear on the back of his head? This custom is certainly
+queer, for, if he really cared about his personal appearance, he would wear
+the hat over his face.
+
+       * * *
+
+We regret to learn that an attempt to teach a modern Office Boy manners has
+failed. A friend of ours met his Office Boy in the street, and the lad
+merely nodded to him. To shame him the Master raised his hat with mock
+solemnity, at which the lad said, "That's all right, but you needn't do
+it."
+
+       * * *
+
+The fashion, which originated on the Continent, of having the face and neck
+painted with miniature works of art is reported to be spreading to London.
+And the practical Americans are said to be considering a further
+development in the form of advertisements on the face by means of neat
+inscriptions, such as "Complexion by Rouge et Cie," "Teeth by Max Gumberg,"
+and "Dimples excavated by the American Face Mining Co."
+
+       * * *
+
+"England," says General CARRANZA, "is the world's bully." The General must
+please have patience with us, for there are signs that we are improving. In
+the same issue of the evening paper which reported this dictum of his the
+following announcement appeared under the heading "LATEST NEWS":--"There
+were no bullion operations reported at the Bank of England to-day."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Curate_ (_forte_). "... TO HAVE-AND-TO-HOLD."
+
+_Bridegroom_ (_deaf_). "EH?"
+
+_Curate_ (_fortissimo_). "TO--HAVE--AND--TO--HOLD."
+
+_Bridegroom._ "TO 'AVE AND TO 'OLD."
+
+_Curate._ "FROM--THIS--DAY--FORWARD."
+
+_Bridegroom._ "TILL THIS DAY FORTNIGHT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BYLES FOR THE BILL.
+
+     [In a letter addressed to _The Times_, headed "PASS THE BILL AND TAKE
+     THE CONSEQUENCES," Sir WILLIAM BYLES makes the statement:--"I for one
+     will take the risk without hesitation."]
+
+  Darkling I sing. Ere Tuesday's hour for tea
+    Shall set this doggerel in the glare of day,
+  He who adjured us still to "wait and see,"
+    He will have tweaked the mystic veil away,
+  And you will know--whatever it may be.
+
+  You, but not I; for I have yet to wait.
+    Far South, beneath (I hope) a stainless sky
+  The pregnant news shall find me, rather late,
+    Powerless to watch the ball with steadfast eye
+  Through sheer distraction as to Ulster's fate.
+
+  Fain would I have upon my well-pricked ear
+    Such tidings fall as prove that party pride
+  Yields with a mutual grace. And yet I fear
+    These desperadoes on the Liberal side--
+  BILL BYLES (for one), the Bradford Buccaneer.
+
+  "Pass"--so he boldly writes--"the Bill and take
+    (His conscience will not let him run to "damn")
+  "The Consequences." That is why I shake
+    Even as when the shorn and shivering lamb
+  Observes the wolf advancing in his wake.
+
+  I see him bear, this dreadful man of gore,
+    A brace of battleaxes at the slope;
+  I see him fling his gauntlet on the floor,
+    And (shouting, "BYLES for REDMOND and the POPE!")
+  Let loose the Nonconformist Dogs of War.
+
+  Ah! take and hide me in some hollow lair,
+    Red hills of Var! and ye umbrella-pines,
+  Cover me like a gamp! I cannot bear
+    This Apparition with its armed lines
+  Humming the strain, "_Sir BYLES s'en va-t-en guerre_."
+
+  _March 7._
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END OF IT ALL.
+
+It was the opening of the new Parliament of 1919 A.D.
+
+They had got IT.
+
+If you can't guess what they had got you must be obtuse.
+
+The great procession of Women M.P.'s formed in Trafalgar Square. Behind
+them were the ruins of the National Gallery (the work of the immortal Miss
+Podgers, B.Sc.); before them were the fragments of the Nelson Column (Miss
+Tunk's world-famous feat).
+
+The free fight concerning the leadership of the procession was settled by
+the intervention of mounted police. They decided that all the would-be
+leaders should march abreast with two armed policemen between each pair of
+them to prevent casualties by the way. So the head of the procession
+started off sixty abreast down Whitehall.
+
+It was a magnificent spectacle. All the M.P.'s wore green-and-white wigs
+because it was the fashion, and in addition green-and-white whiskers to
+assert their equality with men. Each processionist carried a model of her
+greatest work. There was Mrs. Spankham with a superb model of Westminster
+Abbey--its petrolling had been the greatest stroke in convincing the voters
+of the pure motives of the feminists. Miss Sylvia Spankham bore aloft the
+City Temple, Miss Christabel Spankham the Albert Hall, whilst Mrs. Lawrence
+Pothook waved triumphantly a lovely representation of King's Cross Station.
+Magnificent too was Mrs. Drummit riding astride a fire-engine as an emblem
+of peace and goodwill.
+
+The crowd viewed the procession with awed silence, only breaking into
+cheers when Miss Blithers, blushing modestly, held up a cardboard
+representation of the Albert Memorial she had nitro-glycerined. Miss Bliggs
+marched triumphantly in a bishop's mitre bearing a pastoral staff, in
+recognition of her great feat in forcibly feeding a wicked bishop who had
+written a letter to the Press against forcible, feeding. Misunderstood by
+the crowd was Mrs. Trudge, who wheeled a perambulator containing two
+babies. The onlookers thought that Mrs. Trudge was about to take her
+innocent offspring to the House of Commons, and those out of hat-pin range
+murmured, "Shime," "Give the kids a chawnce." They did not know that Mrs.
+Trudge was no base slave of man, that she had no children of her own, and
+that the wax babies she wheeled in the perambulator merely indicated that
+she was the heroine who had doped a nursemaid with drugged chocolate and
+abducted a Cabinet Minister's twins.
+
+Unhappily Miss Bolland also passed unidentified, though she held a
+cardboard tube aloft. Not even a taxi-driver cheered as the intrepid lady
+passed who had blown up the electrical-generation station of the Tubes and
+made London walk for a month. There too was Mrs. Tibbs, brave in her
+misfortunes. She had missed her election by one vote just because, when she
+came to the booth to vote for herself, lifelong habit had been too strong
+for her and she had phosphorused the ballot box.
+
+An unfortunate breeze from the river played havoc with the processionists'
+whiskers, and one or two of the weaker spirits in the ranks argued that
+some of the Government offices in Whitehall ought to have been left
+standing for protection--at any rate till the procession was over.
+
+On they went, each of the twenty leaders in front explaining how SHE had
+led the movement to triumph. On the top of the fire-engine Mrs. Drummit
+danced a futurist dance, symbolic of the subjection of man. At last they
+reached the portals of the House. The leaders broke into a run to secure
+front places on the Government benches.
+
+"Stop," cried a police superintendent, rushing from the building.
+
+"The days of man's tyranny are over!" shouted twenty voices together.
+
+"Maybe," said the police superintendent, "but some of 'em are catching up
+to you. They've dynamited the Houses of Parliament, and if you go inside
+you'll pop like roasted chestnuts."
+
+And as they watched the flame the leaders realised the sad fact that they
+had not left a building standing in London roomy enough for a Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+     "---- Tooth Brushes are so constructed that the bristles get right
+     into the smallest crevices of the teeth. Moreover the bristles
+     positively won't come out."--_Advt. in "London Opinion."_
+
+That has sometimes been our bitter experience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Choir Inaudible.
+
+     "The chorus gave ample evidence of having made great strides since
+     their last appearance in public, all the items for which they were
+     responsible being well sustained and rendered in first-class style.
+     Special mention should be made, however, of their rendering of 'A
+     Spring Song,' which was given in quite a professional manner, the
+     chorus dispensing with both music and words, and the audience evinced
+     their appreciation of this really fine effort by long continued
+     applause, to which the chorus responded by repeating it."
+
+     _Avalon Independent._
+
+There would probably be no words to the applause and very little music; so
+the chorus could easily repeat it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GIFT FOR GIFT.
+
+GENERAL BOTHA. "WELL, I SUPPOSE ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER; WE MUST
+GIVE HIM A WARM RECEPTION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRUTE AGAIN.
+
+_Weary Hostess._ "YES, I'VE BEEN HAVING SUCH TROUBLE WITH BABY. EVERY NIGHT
+I HAVE TO GET UP ABOUT TWENTY TIMES, GETTING HIS THINGS----"
+
+_Visitor._ "WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOUR HUSBAND DO SOMETHING?"
+
+_Hostess._ "OH, I DAREN'T WAKE MY HUSBAND; IF I DO HE ALWAYS DRINKS BABY'S
+MILK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STUDIES IN DISCIPLESHIP.
+
+_THE TIMES'_ THIRD LEADER.
+
+The statement made in these columns by a well-informed correspondent that
+the incomparable NIJINSKY is so delicate that by his doctor's decree he is
+obliged to abstain from all forms of exercise save that involved in his
+beloved art, gives us, in the vivid phrase of our neighbours, "furiously to
+think." At the first blush incredulity prevails, but recourse to the annals
+of history, ancient and modern alike, furnishes us with abundant
+confirmation of this strange anomaly. HANNIBAL was a martyr to indigestion,
+while his great rival, SCIPIO AFRICANUS, suffered from sea-sickness even
+when crossing the Tiber. Wherever we look we are confronted with the
+spectacle of genius fraying its way to the appointed goal in spite of
+physical drawbacks which would have paralysed meritorious mediocrity. WOLFE
+was a _poitrinaire_, and NELSON would never have passed the medical
+examination to which the naval cadets of to-day are subjected. But the case
+of NIJINSKY is more tragic because abstinence from skating and riding, of
+which he was passionately fond, entails greater anguish on so sensitively
+organised a temperament than it would on a mere man of action, and the
+suffering of a great artist may lead to international complications which
+it is terrible to complicate. Russian dancing is as necessary to the
+well-being of our social system as standard bread, yet when we think of the
+sacrifices which its hierophants undergo in order to minister to our
+pleasure the sturdiest Hedonist cannot escape misgivings. Still, we may
+find consolation in the thought that sacrifice is necessary to perfection.
+Such sacrifices take various forms. In the case of NIJINSKY we see a man of
+immense brain power specialising in a most exhausting form of physical
+culture to remedy his extreme delicacy. At the opposite extreme we find
+cases of men so extraordinarily powerful that they are obliged to abandon
+all exercise and lead a purely sedentary life in order to counteract their
+abnormal muscularity. Thus Lord HALDANE, who in his earlier days thought
+nothing of walking to Cambridge one day and back to London on the next, has
+now become more than reconciled to the immobility imposed on the occupant
+of the Woolsack.
+
+It needs no little exercise of the imagination to form a mental picture of
+Lord HALDANE as a member of the Russian ballet, or, to put it in a more
+concrete form, making the famous flying exit in _Le Spectre da la Rose_.
+Could fancy be translated into fact, the drawing power of such a spectacle
+would be prodigious. On the other hand, and in view of the notorious
+adaptability of the Slavonic temperament, we can well imagine NIJINSKY
+proving an admirable Lord Chancellor. Exchanges of this sort would add to
+the comity of nations besides enhancing the amenities of public life, and
+it is perhaps not too much to hope that provision for carrying this out may
+be in the Government's scheme for the Reform of the House of Lords.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "New Zealand mutton was yearly increasing in public
+     flavour."--_Times._
+
+It mustn't get too powerful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an advertisement of a land sale in _Ceylon Morning Leader_:--
+
+     "An undivided 1/3 + 1/36 + 1/2 of 3/80 + 1/24 + 1/2 of 1/18 parts of
+     the land called Vitarmalage Gamwasama at Yatawala in extent 500
+     amunams paddy sowing."
+
+A chance for a newly-created peer who wants a family seat from which to
+take his title and quarterings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The meeting of ANTONY and CLEOPATRA as described in HUTCHINSON'S _History
+of the Nations_:--
+
+     "When they met first he was twenty-nine and she was sixteen; now he
+     was forty-two and she was twenty-seven."
+
+Anyhow she would say so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kind Old Gentleman._ "WHAT A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE PET! I HAVE
+ALWAYS A SOFT PLACE FOR ANIMALS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LOST LEADER.
+
+"Enid," I said, "we must offer something to somebody."
+
+"You don't mean Squawks?" she pleaded piteously.
+
+"I wish I did," I sighed. Squawks is a Pomorachshund--at least I think so;
+though Enid inclines towards the Chowkingese theory. Anyhow, he himself has
+always realised that someone had blundered, and has worked steadily to make
+a dog of himself.
+
+"Well, if it's not Squawks, I don't care," remarked Enid.
+
+"I wish you'd take some interest."
+
+"What in?"
+
+"In what I say."
+
+"What _did_ you say?"
+
+"We must," I repeated, "offer something to somebody."
+
+"That's not very enthusey. Unless"--and her whole face brightened--"you
+mean what you call your reading-chair. It threw me on to the floor and
+knelt on me only yesterday; and I know Aunt Anne----"
+
+"Enid," I said sternly, "that's not the point."
+
+"I was afraid not."
+
+"The thing is, one must be in the swim. Everybody is offering things right
+and left now. Look at SUTHERLAND, DERBY--even LLOYD GEORGE."
+
+"I didn't know they were friends of yours."
+
+"Not exactly; but----"
+
+"Then why so familiar?"
+
+"My dear," I explained, "that _is_ the point. Once get your name in the
+papers at the end of a two-column letter and you are the friend of all the
+world--it gives one an _entree_ to the castle of the Duke and the cottage
+of the crofter."
+
+"Even before you've written it?"
+
+"I have written it!"
+
+"Oh, how splendid! Where?"
+
+"In here," I said, tapping the best bit of my head.
+
+"Oh, _that_!" And then, pensively: "Next time Mary Jane has a brainstorm,
+I'll tell her to call you 'Charley.' Poor girl!"
+
+"I don't think you quite appreciate," I remarked.
+
+"I don't. What exactly do we stand to gain?"
+
+"There's the rub. Not lucre. Perish the thought! But one begins to be a
+power, an influence. People whisper in the Tube, 'Who's that?' '_That!_
+Don't you know? Why Him--He! The man who is making the Government a
+laughing-stock. The man who holds the Empire in the palm of his hand. The
+man who----'"
+
+"Thanks," said Enid. "We had better buy a gramophone. I thought you were
+getting fidgety at home."
+
+"Dearest," I explained, "it is not that. It is because I feel in me a
+spirit that will not be denied. Give me the opportunity and I will make
+this land, this England----"
+
+"Hush, Squawks. Was'ms frightened then, poor darling!"
+
+"That dog----"
+
+"Hush!" said Enid to me. "How are you going to begin?"
+
+"It is quite simple. Somebody writes something to the papers."
+
+"Yes; so far it sounds easy."
+
+"Now that something is hideously disparaging to my class and calling. I
+promptly answer him."
+
+"That is, if you can be funnier at his expense than he at yours."
+
+"I shan't be funny at all."
+
+"No?" said Enid thoughtfully.
+
+"Mine will be a scathing indictment, and of course I shall bring in the
+political situation. He writes back, evading the point at issue. I crush
+him with figures and statistics, and make him a practical offer--a few
+deer-forests, a paltry township, or my unearned increment, as the case may
+be."
+
+"The mowing-machine is out of order," Enid remarked.
+
+"I quote passages in his letter as the basis of negotiation. He pretends to
+accept. I point out how, when and why he has been guilty of paltry
+quibbling, and show that the Party he supports fosters such methods and
+manners."
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"No. And that is just where I shall differ from everybody else. I shall go
+on where they have stopped. Having made one individual ridiculous, I shall
+broaden the basis of operation. With consummate skill I shall gradually
+draw the public officials down into the arena."
+
+"Don't forget the gas-man; he was very rude last month."
+
+"Not that kind," I explained. "Cabinet Ministers, Secretaries of State, the
+whole machinery of government shall writhe under the barbed shafts of my
+mockery. Ridicule is the power of the age. Ridicule in my hands shall be as
+bayonets to NAPOLEON, as poison to a BORGIA." I gasped.
+
+"Help!" said Enid, taking up _The Daily Most_. "Here's the very
+thing," she went on. "Somebody called 'A. Lethos'----"
+
+"Pah! A pseudonym."
+
+"Well, anyhow, he says that all political writers are worthless sycophants.
+You might begin on that."
+
+"I will," I cried. "But craven anonymity is not my part. My name shall
+stand forth boldly. Fate's linger points the way. How do you spell
+'sycophant'? The type has gone a bit dizzy over it."
+
+And I plunged into the fray.
+
+"Sir," I began; and there followed 2,000 words of closely-woven argument,
+down to "I remain, Sir, your obedient Servant."
+
+I read it through carefully, looked up "sycophant" in the dictionary, and
+wrote it all out again.
+
+Then I showed it to Enid.
+
+"Why have you spelt 'sycophant' like that?" she asked.
+
+"I----"
+
+"No, 'y.'"
+
+"It _is_ a 'y.'"
+
+"Oh!" (Pause.) "What about the offer? Mr. Lethos says that ninetenths of
+what is written nowadays is only worth the ink and paper."
+
+"The offer," I reminded her, "will come later."
+
+"Oh! I just thought---- You might get rid of those articles on 'Happiness
+in the Home' at cost price. They're running up to quite a lot in stamps."
+
+I posted the letter to the Editor.
+
+Next morning I seized the paper nervously. There was my name at the end of
+a column and a half. I had begun.
+
+I sat down to wait for the next step. It came with the mid-day post in a
+letter from Saxby, who is--or was--my friend.
+
+"Good old Tibbles," it ran; "I knew some juggins would rise, whatever I
+wrote. But fancy landing you!--Yours ever, BEEFERS."
+
+Now how _can_ a man save his country on a thing like that?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SMILES AND LAUGHTER.
+
+  On days of gloom and sadness,
+    When nothing brings relief,
+  When men are moved to madness
+    And women groan with grief;
+  Though growing daily dafter,
+    I might, as once I did,
+  Have cheered myself with laughter,
+    But laughter is forbid.
+
+  If I should treat of CARSON,
+    His guns and rataplan,
+  It's something worse than arson
+    To smile at such a man;
+  Since chaff would make his pulse stir--
+    And this he cannot brook--
+  The more he talks of Ulster
+    The solemner we look.
+
+  Then, should I meet a CECIL,
+    (Lord ROBERT or Lord HUGH),
+  His manifest distress'll
+    Be very sad to view
+  Unless I'm in a proper,
+    A gloomy frame of mind,
+  And put a heavy stopper
+    On mirth of any kind.
+
+  Next POUTSEA brings his quota
+    For giving me delight,
+  Who wants to punish BOTHA
+    By living in his sight;
+  Or, foiled of such a strife-time,
+    Decides to have a blow
+  And spend a briny lifetime
+    In sailing to and fro.
+
+  And SEDDON, who gave greetings
+    To those deported nine,
+  Invited them to meetings
+    And asked them out to dine,
+  And begged of them and prayed them
+    To be no longer banned,
+  But hardly could persuade them
+    To leave the ship and land.
+
+  These two, the gloom beguiling,
+    Might make me greatly dare,
+  Might set my face a-smiling
+    And win my soul from care;
+  The feted and the feeders
+    Might well provoke some chaff;
+  But no--they're Labour Leaders,
+    And so we mustn't laugh.
+
+  And, last, there's LAW, our BONAR,
+    Who in a burst of tact
+  Is minded to dishonour
+    The loathed Insurance Act;
+  With opposites agreeing,
+    He faces North by South,
+  And keeps the Act in being
+    And kills it with his mouth.
+
+  He too might smooth a wrinkle,
+    Although he's stern and grim,
+  And make my eyes to twinkle
+    By seeing fun in him;
+  Cursed be that cheerful vision,
+    And cursed all sense of fun:
+  It is a foul misprision
+    To smile at anyone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REVERIE.
+
+"NO, DARLING, NOT IN THE STUDY. YOUR FATHER WENT ROUND IN BOGEY TO-DAY AND
+WANTS TO HAVE A NICE LONG THINK ABOUT IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SELL?
+
+(_With acknowledgments to "The Daily Mail."_)
+
+Have you anything you think of burning as useless, but would naturally
+prefer to sell? Why not try one of our small advertisements? Every day we
+receive thousands of letters testifying to their power. Here is one, picked
+up at random:--
+
+"Please discontinue my advertisement of a half-pair of bellows and a
+stuffed canary, as the first insertion has had such remarkable results. On
+looking out of my bedroom window this morning I observed a queue of some
+hundreds of people extending from my doorstep down to the trams in the main
+road. They included ladies on campstools, messenger boys, a sad-looking
+young man in an ulster who was reading SWINBURNE'S poems, and others. Only
+with difficulty could the milkman fight his way through to place the can on
+the doorstep, and the contents were quickly required to restore a lady who
+had turned faint for want of a camp-stool. While I was shaving, a motor
+mail-van dashed up and left seven sacks of postal replies to the
+advertisement. One by one, eighty-three people were admitted to view the
+goods, and a satisfactory bargain was made with the last of these. I then
+telephoned for the police to come and remove the disappointed thousands,
+who were disposed to be riotous. My garden gate is off its hinges, the
+garden itself has the lawn inextricably mixed with the flower-beds, my
+marble step is cracked in three places, and my stair-carpet is caked with
+mud. I do not know any other paper in this country in which a two-shilling
+advertisement could produce such encouraging results."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+I.--THE INVITATION.
+
+     "DEAR MYRA," wrote Simpson at the beginning of the year,--"I have an
+     important suggestion to make to you both, and I am coming round
+     to-morrow night after dinner about nine o'clock. As time is so short I
+     have asked Dahlia and Archie to meet me there, and if by any chance
+     you have gone out we shall wait till you come back.
+
+     Yours ever,
+     SAMUEL.
+
+     P.S.--I have asked Thomas too."
+
+"Well?" said Myra eagerly, as I gave her back the letter.
+
+In deep thought I buttered a piece of toast.
+
+"We could stop Thomas," I said. "We might ring up the Admiralty and ask
+them to give him something to do this evening. I don't know about Archie.
+Is he----"
+
+"Oh, what do you think it is? Aren't you excited?" She sighed and added,
+"Of course I know what Samuel _is_."
+
+"Yes. Probably he wants us all to go to the Wonder Zoo together ... or he's
+discovered a new way of putting, or---- I say, I didn't know Archie and
+Dahlia were in town."
+
+"They aren't. But I expect Samuel telegraphed to them to meet him under the
+clock at Charing Cross, disguised, when they would hear of something to
+their advantage. Oh, I wonder what it is. It _must_ be something real this
+time."
+
+Since the day when Simpson woke me up at six o'clock in the morning to show
+me his stance-for-a-full-wooden-club shot I have distrusted his
+enthusiasms; but Myra loves him as a mother; and I--I couldn't do without
+him; and when a man like that invites a whole crowd of people to come to
+your flat just about the time when you are wondering what has happened to
+the sardines on toast, and why doesn't she bring them in--well, it isn't
+polite to put the chain on the door and explain through the letter-box that
+you have gone away for a week.
+
+"We'd better have dinner a bit earlier to be on the safe side," I said, as
+Myra gave me a parting brush down in the hall. "If any further developments
+occur in the course of the day ring me up at the office. By the way,
+Simpson doesn't seem to have invited Peter. I wonder why not. He's nearly
+two, and he ought to be in it. Myra, I'm sure I'm tidy now."
+
+"Pipe, tobacco, matches, keys, money?"
+
+"Everything," I said. "Bless you. Good-bye."
+
+"Good-bye," said Myra lingeringly. "What do you think he meant by 'as time
+is so short'?"
+
+"I don't know. At least," I added, looking at my watch, "I do know. I shall
+be horribly late. Good-bye."
+
+I fled down the stairs into the street, waved to Myra at the window ... and
+then came cautiously up again for my pipe. Life is very difficult on the
+mornings when you are in a hurry.
+
+At dinner that night Myra could hardly eat for excitement.
+
+"You'll be sorry afterwards," I warned her, "when it turns out to be
+nothing more than that he has had his hair cut."
+
+"But even if it is I don't see why I shouldn't be excited at seeing my only
+brother again--not to mention sister-in-law."
+
+"You only want to see them so that you can talk about Peter."
+
+"Oh, Fatty, darling"--(I am really quite thin)--"oh, Fatty," cried
+Myra--("lean and slender" would perhaps describe it better)--cried Myra,
+clasping her hands together--(in fact the very last person you could call
+stout)--"I haven't seen the darling for ages! But I shall see Samuel," she
+added hopefully, "and he's almost as young." ("Svelte"--that's the word for
+me.)
+
+"Then let's move," I said. "They'll be here directly."
+
+Archie and Dahlia came first. We besieged them with questions as soon as
+they appeared.
+
+"Haven't an idea," said Archie. "I wanted to bring a revolver in case it
+was anything really desperate, but Dahlia wouldn't let me."
+
+"It would have been useful too," I said, "if it turned out to be something
+merely futile."
+
+"You're not going to hurt my Samuel, however futile it is," said Myra.
+"Dahlia, how's Peter, and will you have some coffee?"
+
+"Peter's lovely. You've had coffee, haven't you, Archie?"
+
+"Better have some more," I suggested, "in case Simpson is merely soporific.
+We anticipate a slumbering audience, and Samuel explaining a new kind of
+googlie he's invented."
+
+Entered Thomas lazily.
+
+"Hallo," he said in his slow voice, "What's it all about?"
+
+"It's a raid on the Begum's palace," explained Archie rapidly. "Dahlia
+decoys the Chief Mucilage; you, Thomas, drive the submarine; Myra has
+charge of the clockwork mouse, and we others hang about and sing. To say
+more at this stage would be to bring about a European conflict."
+
+"Coffee, Thomas?" said Myra.
+
+"I bet he's having us on," said Thomas gloomily, as he stirred his coffee.
+
+There was a hurricane in the hall. Chairs were swept over; coats and hats
+fell to the ground; a high voice offered continuous apologies--and Simpson
+came in.
+
+"Hallo, Myra!" he said eagerly. "Hallo, old chap! Hallo, Dahlia! Hallo,
+Archie! Hallo, Thomas, old boy!" He fixed his spectacles firmly on his nose
+and beamed round the room.
+
+"You haven't said 'Hallo!' to the cook," Archie pointed out.
+
+"We're all here--thanking you very much for inviting us," I said. "Have a
+cigar--if you've brought any with you."
+
+Fortunately he had brought several with him.
+
+"Now then, I'll give any of you three guesses what it's all about."
+
+"No, you don't. We're all waiting, and you can begin your apology right
+away."
+
+Simpson took a deep breath and began.
+
+"I've been lent a villa," he said.
+
+There was a moment's silence ... and then Archie got up.
+
+"Good-bye," he said to Myra, holding out his hand. "Thanks for a very jolly
+evening. Come along, Dahlia."
+
+"But I say, old chap," protested Simpson.
+
+"I'm sorry, Simpson, but the fact that you're moving from the Temple to
+Cricklewood, or wherever it is, and that somebody else is paying the thirty
+pounds a year, is jolly interesting, but it wasn't good enough to drag us
+up from the country to tell us about it. You could have written. However,
+thank you for the cigar."
+
+"My dear fellow, it isn't Cricklewood. It's the Riviera!"
+
+Archie sat down again.
+
+"Samuel!" cried Myra. "How she must love you!"
+
+"I should never lend Simpson a villa of mine," I said. "He'd only lose it."
+
+"They're some very old friends who live there, and they're going away for a
+month, and the servants are staying on, and they suggested that if I was
+going abroad again this year----"
+
+"How did the servants know you'd been abroad last year?" asked Archie.
+
+"Don't interrupt, dear," said Dahlia. "I see what he means. How very jolly
+for you, Samuel."
+
+"For all of us, Dahlia!" "You aren't suggesting we shall all crowd in?"
+growled Thomas.
+
+"Of course, my dear old chap! I told them, and they're delighted. We can
+share housekeeping expenses, and it will be as cheap as anything."
+
+"But to go into a stranger's house," said Dahlia anxiously.
+
+"It's _my_ house, Dahlia, for the time. I invite you!" He threw out his
+hands in a large gesture of welcome and knocked his coffee-cup on to the
+carpet; begged Myra's pardon several times; and then sat down again and
+wiped his spectacles vigorously.
+
+Archie looked doubtfully at Thomas.
+
+"Duty, Thomas, duty," he said, thumping his chest. "You can't desert the
+Navy at this moment of crisis."
+
+"Might," said Thomas, puffing at his pipe.
+
+Archie looked at me. I looked hopefully at Myra.
+
+"Oh-h-h!" said Myra, entranced.
+
+Archie looked at Dahlia. Dahlia frowned.
+
+"It isn't till February," said Simpson eagerly.
+
+"It's very kind of you, Samuel," said Dahlia, "but I don't think----"
+
+Archie nodded to Simpson.
+
+"You leave this to me," he said confidentially. "We're going."
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PORTER, WHAT ON EARTH ARE WE WAITING HERE FOR?"
+
+"YOU'RE WAITIN' TO GO ON, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHAMELEONS.
+
+(_From "The Gladiator," Nov. 1914._)
+
+ASSOCIATION.
+
+WHITEBROOK ROVERS _V._ BROMVILLE.
+
+The meeting of these teams on Saturday last produced a struggle of titanic
+dimensions worthy of the best traditions of the famous combinations
+engaged. On the one hand we saw the machine-like precision, the subtle
+finesse so characteristic of the Whitebrook men, while at the same time we
+revelled in the dash and speed, the consummate daring displayed by their
+doughty opponents. We have witnessed many games, but for keenness and
+enthusiasm this one must rank.... In a game where every man acquitted
+himself well it is difficult to particularise; but Brown, Jones, Green and
+McSleery for the Rovers, and Gray, Smith, Black and McSkinner for the
+Broms, may be mentioned as being shining lights in their respective
+positions.
+
+(_From "The Gladiator," Nov. 1915._)
+
+ASSOCIATION.
+
+WHITEBROOK ROVERS _V._ BROMVILLE.
+
+Before a huge crowd exceeding 60,000 these historic combinations met on
+Saturday, and provided a rich treat for those who had the privilege to be
+there. The officials of both clubs have been busy team-building, and the
+sides differed in many instances from those antagonizing on the same ground
+a year ago. That the changes have been judicious and beneficial Saturday's
+game abundantly proved. The men played with great earnestness, evincing
+much local patriotism, and in their contrasted styles--the polished
+artistry, the scientific precision of the Rovers, and the dash and forceful
+intrepidity of the Broms--were at their very best. We have seen many games,
+but this must rank.... While every man did himself justice, it may not be
+invidious to mention, for the Rovers, Gray, Smith, Black and McSkinner, and
+for the Broms, Brown, Jones, Green and McSleery, as being bright particular
+stars in their respective departments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a literary weekly:--
+
+     "It is a terribly accurate saying about the loud laugh and the vacant
+     mind--Pope never got down surer to the bare bones of the truth."
+
+Nor did GOLDSMITH when he pointed out the danger of "a little learning."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From two consecutive items of "News in a Nutshell" in the _North-Eastern
+Daily Gazette_:--
+
+     "Lieut. ----, of an infantry regiment at Lemburg, Austria, fell fast
+     asleep on February 14, and all efforts to wake him have proved futile
+     ever since.
+
+     A sleeper weighing 8 cwt. was found on the Great Western Railway near
+     Banbury just before the arrival of a train from the north."
+
+However, it was not the lieutenant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS THAT ONE MIGHT HAVE PUT DIFFERENTLY.
+
+"HOW DE DO, LADY SMYTHE? I'VE JUST DRIVEN THE MOTOR OVER TO FETCH MY WIFE
+AWAY."
+
+"HOW NICE OF YOU, ADMIRAL; BUT I DO WISH YOU'D COME SOONER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORGIVENESS.
+
+(_A Dream after losing a Dog._)
+
+  Methought I saw the man that stole our Tim
+    In a night vision; and "Behold!" he cried,
+  "This was a task too easy for my whim,
+    A job of little worth and little pride,
+    An Irish terrier." Then his pal replied,
+  "I know a place where you may pinch with ease
+  One of these here carnation Pekinese.
+
+  "You see them nasty spikes on that there wall?
+    Climb it, and you shall find a little yard;
+  An unlatched casement leads you to a hall,
+    Thence to the crib where, odorous with nard,
+    Slumbers the petted plaything; 'twere not hard
+  Out of his cushioned ease (and gorged belike
+  With sweetmeats) to appropriate the tyke."
+
+  So, filled with high ambition and the hope
+    Of gaining huge emolument, this man
+  Hung to the toothed battlements a rope,
+    Climbed and leapt down to execute his plan--
+    But even as he leapt a noise began
+  As when the Arctic icebergs break and grind;
+  This was because his pants were caught behind.
+
+  Awhile they tore, then stayed. And helpless there
+    Betwixt the silvery moonlight and the ground
+  He hung convulsive, grasping at the air,
+    For two full hours it may be, whilst a hound
+    Of the Great Danish breed, that made no sound
+  Save a deep snarl, below him watching stood
+  (This portion of my dream was very good).
+
+  And much he vowed because of his great pain
+    That he was the most dashed of all dashed fools
+  And never would he steal a dog again,
+    No (strite!) he would not. He recalled the rules
+    That teachers taught him in the Sunday Schools
+  And thought on serious happenings and the grave;
+  And with dawn's earliest flush his trousers gave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  And having waited for a time I went
+    To see him in the hospital. And hours
+  Of earnest converse with the man I spent,
+    Told him of Nemesis and what dark powers
+    Punish our mortal crimes, and brought him flowers,
+  Dog-roses and dog-violets, and read
+  The Eighth Commandment out beside his bed.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Telegraph_ on the next Drury Lane melodrama:--
+
+     "We are able to say on the very best authority that the idea at the
+     root of the story is of a quite unusual nature; indeed, if secrecy
+     were not for the moment imposed, one might even go a step further and
+     declare it to be of startling originality."
+
+As it is, one doesn't; for if once the secret got about that the play was
+to be original there would be riots in Fleet Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Song, 'March of the Men of Garlick' (Tune, Welsh melody)."
+
+     _Ripon Observer._
+
+A pardonable mistake. The national emblem is of course the leek.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WOOING.
+
+MISS ULSTER. "AN' WHAT'S THE GOOD OF HIM SENDIN' ME FLOWERS WHEN I'VE
+TOLD HIM 'NO' ALREADY?"
+
+MR. PUNCH. "WELL NOW, COME, MY DEAR--WON'T YOU JUST TAKE A GOOD LOOK
+AT THEM BEFORE YOU START TURNING UP YOUR PRETTY NOSE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A HOLLOW DEMONSTRATION."
+
+(_With acknowledgments to GILLRAY'S caricature of NAPOLEON as Gulliver
+among the Brobdingnagians._)
+
+     [Mr. D. M. MASON'S motion for the reduction of the Supplementary Navy
+     Estimates was defeated by 237 votes to 34.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 2._--In speech of flawless lucidity
+displaying perfect command of columnar figures upon which strength of
+British Navy is based, the WINSOME WINSTON moved Supplementary Estimates
+amounting to two and a-half millions. These raise total expenditure of year
+on the Navy to forty-eight millions. "A serious event," he admitted amid
+sympathetic cheers from below Gangway to his right. Necessity arises from
+increased expenditure on oil reserves; from demand for a quarter of a
+million for the new aircraft programme, an item unknown to OLD MORALITY or
+CHILDERS when successively at the Admiralty; from increment of wages and
+acceleration of ship-building.
+
+He might have mentioned that of grand total close upon two millions is
+legacy left by former Ministry on account of liabilities incurred before
+1905. Whilst present Government, austerely-minded, pay their way as they
+go, meeting increased expenditure out of revenue, PRINCE ARTHUR, with
+characteristically light heart, built ships and strengthened
+fortifications, raising the money by loan, which he gaily left to posterity
+to pay off. Posterity has this pleasant task in hand now, and will continue
+to be engaged upon it for next twenty years.
+
+WINSTON judiciously refrained from pressing the point. Had enough on his
+hands with discontented supporters below Gangway, who resent
+ever-increasing burden of Naval expenditure. RAMSAY MACDONALD lodged
+protest on behalf of Labour Members; stopped short of moving reduction of
+vote. This done by DAVID MASON of Coventry.
+
+"A hollow demonstration," was GILBERT PARKER'S terse description of the
+revolt. On a division Estimates were carried by a majority of 203. Only 34
+voted for reduction.
+
+Prolongation of debate plainly boring. By exception, one listener sat it
+out with unwearied attention. Nothing precisely cherubic in face or figure
+of Lord FISHER OF KILVERSTONE, better known on sea and land by the
+affectionate diminutive JACKY FISHER. Nevertheless, as he sat perched in
+Peers' Gallery immediately over the clock, a place ever associated with the
+genial presence of EDWARD PRINCE OF WALES, there flashed across the mind a
+familiar couplet sung by DIBDIN:--
+
+  "There's a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft
+  To keep watch for the life of poor Jack."
+
+[Illustration: JACK'S JACK.
+
+(Lord FISHER).]
+
+Whilst jealous for maintenance of Naval power, no Admiral or Sea Lord did
+more to improve conditions of life on the lower deck than did JACKY FISHER.
+Retired from active service, his multiform commissions under hatches,
+to-night his body has gone aloft to a seat in Peers' Gallery. There he
+heard expounded biggest Navy vote submitted since days of the "Great
+Harry." Exceptionally swollen by provision for reserves of oil fuel, a new
+departure, for which he in his capacity as Chairman of a Royal Commission
+has, as WINSTON testified, been chiefly responsible.
+
+_Business done._--Naval Estimates discussed.
+
+_Tuesday._--Another scene testifying to electricity of atmosphere. As
+usual, explosion from unexpected quarter. House in committee on Naval
+Estimates. Lord ROBERT CECIL, ever alert in interests of working-man with a
+vote, moved reduction in order to call attention to housing accommodation
+provided for men employed at Rosyth. Chairman ruled debate out of order on
+Supplementary Estimates. Lord BOB nevertheless managed to sum up purport of
+intended speech by denouncing state of things as "a scandal and disgrace to
+the Government." At this stage Opposition Whips, counting heads, discovered
+that, if not at the moment in actual minority, Government would, if
+division were rushed, find themselves in parlous state. The word--it was
+"Mum"--went round Opposition benches.
+
+Unfortunately for success of plot Ministerial Whips also alive to
+situation.
+
+"After your ruling, Sir," said Lord BOB with ominous politeness, "I cannot
+develop my argument, but I propose to persist in my motion, and will divide
+the Committee."
+
+Not if LEIF JONES knew it. For him, as for all good Ministerialists,
+subject suddenly developed interest, urgently demanded consideration. This
+he proposed to bestow upon it. A Bengal tiger about to lunch off a
+toothsome native, discovering the anticipated meal withdrawn from his
+reach, could not be more sublimely wrathful than were gentlemen on
+Opposition benches. And LEIF JONES, too! The mildest-mannered man that ever
+turned on a water-tap.
+
+After a moment of petrified pause, natural to Bengal tiger on discovering
+reality of his discomfiture, there burst forth roar of "'Vide! 'Vide!
+'Vide!" From appearance of LEIF JONES'S lips, he was continuing his
+remarks. Not a syllable rose above the storm. After it had raged for some
+moments CHAIRMAN pointed out that, whilst divigation in direction of Rosyth
+was out of order, it was competent to any Member to discuss the vote as a
+whole.
+
+This too much for A. S. WILSON, who has been surprisingly reticent since
+Session opened.
+
+"Is it right for the CHAIRMAN," he asked, "to protect the Government from
+what may be an inconvenient position?"
+
+"A grossly disorderly observation," the CHAIRMAN retorted.
+
+A. S. withdrew the remark, the more willingly since designed effect gained.
+
+COUSIN HUGH, for some time moving uneasily in corner seat below Gangway,
+bounded to his feet. Member near him simultaneously rose. With sweep of
+left arm, after manner of RICHARD III. directing the cutting off of the
+head of BUCKINGHAM, he waved the appalled Member down. Was getting on
+nicely with what he had to say when, like GRAND CROSS on historical
+occasion, he "heard a smile."
+
+It came from WINSTON.
+
+"I notice," said COUSIN HUGH glaring on the Treasury bench, "that the FIRST
+LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY, who is very ignorant on many matters, is amused at
+this observation."
+
+WINSTON explained that what he had laughed at was "the lordly gesture with
+which the noble Lord swept away another honourable gentleman."
+
+LEIF JONES, proposing to continue his remarks, presented himself again.
+Greeted with fresh yell of execration. Battled for some moments with the
+storm. Too much for him. Reached forth hand; seized imperceptible tankard
+of invisible stout; gratefully wetted his parched lips withal. Refreshed,
+he tried again; no articulate word dominated the din.
+
+After further ten minutes of uproar, through which from time to time A. S.
+WILSON tried to get in more or less relevant remark and was instantly
+extinguished by the CHAIRMAN, who masterfully managed difficult situation,
+WINSTON interposed. A bird of the air had brought news from Whips' Room
+that all was well. Accordingly the FIRST LORD graciously conceded division
+clamoured for.
+
+Its result profound surprise. So far from Government lacking support, the
+amendment was negatived by more than two to one. Majority rushed up to 140.
+
+Evidently been a mistake somewhere.
+
+_Business done._--Supplementary votes agreed to.
+
+_Thursday._--Dramatic turn in position of Home Rule Bill. PREMIER hitherto
+steadfast in deferring Second Reading till close of financial year. As
+result of confabulation between two Front Benches arranged that
+Supplementary Estimates shall be hurried up so as to make opening for
+immediate debate on Second Reading.
+
+Accordingly ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL to-day brought in Bill for First Reading.
+No need of persuasion of silver tongue to carry this stage. Proceeding
+purely formal. Fight opens on Monday, when PREMIER, moving Second Reading,
+will explain his "suggestions" of amendment.
+
+_Business done._--Home Rule brought in, being third time of asking. Welsh
+Church Disestablishment Bill and Plural Voting Bill also read amid
+vociferous cheering by Ministerialists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I understand you have only one Welsh saint. Well, there'll
+soon be another; it will be Saint Lloyd George. I would canonise him right
+away."--_The Rev. Dr. CLIFFORD at Westbourne Park Chapel._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "His brilliant flashes of wit and humour evoked hearty applause, and
+     sometimes even laughter."--_Teesdale Mercury._
+
+Almost the last thing you would have expected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "One of the strongest traits in Mrs. Barclay's character is a love of
+     all creatures, great and small--thrushes, wagtails and robins come to
+     her when she calls, and she keeps a little box of worms to feed
+     them."--_Woman at Home._
+
+Sometimes the worms must wish she wasn't quite so loving.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOWNWARD TREND.
+
+    Come, Nora, Nance and Nellie,
+    Let us study BOTTICELLI
+  When we feel the gnawing craving to be smart;
+    If we want to be _de rigueur_
+    We must educate the figure
+  To show the downward trend of "plastic art."
+    The outline should be slack,
+    Slippy-sloppy, front and back,
+  Till bodice, skirt and tunic--every stitch--
+    Seems to call for the support
+    Of the handy-man's resort--
+  That naval gesture termed the "double hitch."
+    The shoulders must be drooping.
+    The knees a trifle stooping,
+  And the widest waist, remember, takes the prize;
+    When motoring or shopping
+    The _coatee_ must be flopping
+  Through a belt that's sagging downward to the thighs.
+    But the evening toilette scheme
+    Shows the opposite extreme,
+  And, when for dance or dinner you're equipped,
+    A clinging "mermaid's tail"
+    The nether limbs must veil,
+  While the corsage is the only part that's slipped.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "At the close of the match, Mr. Burnett, Kenmay, announced the result
+     and called for cheers for the winners. Mr. J. Fulton, President
+     English Province R.C.C.C., responded."--_Field._
+
+We are sorry that Mr. FULTON was the only one. After his opening
+"Hip--hip--hip" even the most timid or indifferent should have joined in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Tickets purchased before the date will admit holders at 2 p.m. to
+     view the machine used when 'looping the loop,' and the passenger
+     carrying machine."
+
+     _Advt. in "The Varsity."_
+
+At the risk of embarrassing this anonymous Samson we shall go early and
+view him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Councillor Johnson said the Bye Laws wore not in a satisfactory
+     state, and suggested that Councillor Bayman be added to the number."
+
+     _Mossel Bay Advertiser._
+
+Henceforward the penalty for breaking Councillor BAYMAN is forty shillings.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Report received by a South African mine-manager:--
+
+     "The mule being experimented with by feeding on bad mealies is still
+     being carried out, but up to date the animal seems to keep in normal
+     condition."
+
+They must carry him out again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LANGUAGE A LA MODE.
+
+"WHAT DO YOU THINK? ISN'T IT _RATHER_ NICE?"
+
+"MY DEAR, HOW _UTTERLY SUCCULENT_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE TWO VIRTUES."
+
+The news, which ran like wildfire through the town on Wednesday morning,
+that Sir GEORGE ALEXANDER had signed the Covenant, must have stirred many
+hearts; but those of us who saw him on the next night as the hero of Mr.
+ALFRED SUTRO'S comedy are hoping that, at any rate, there will be no
+fighting on Wednesday and Saturday afternoons, and that sentry duty in the
+evenings may be performed by less valuable signatories. For in _Jeffery
+Panton_ he has really found a part to suit him, and a part which should
+keep him busy for some months. Comedy is certainly his medium.
+
+It is not, alas, Miss MARTHA HEDMAN'S, nor is English her language. Her
+pretty foreign accent and tearful manner became her as a French girl in
+_The Attack_, but it won't do for every part she plays. It didn't do in the
+least for _Mrs. Guildford_. The difficulty of understanding what she said
+was made greater by a surprising catarrh amongst the first-night audience,
+so that her scenes had a way of going like this:--
+
+_Jeffery Panton_ (_clearly_). But I must just talk to you a moment.
+
+_Stall on left._ Honk--honk! Honk! H'r'r'm!
+
+_Dress circle._ HONK! HONK!!
+
+_Mrs. Guildford._ No, no, I must get on with my work.
+
+_Stall just behind._ WHAT DID SHE SAY?
+
+_Her neighbour._ Something about her work.
+
+_Her other neighbour._ Honk--honk! H'r'm! Honk--honk!
+
+_Gallery boy._ HONK--HONK--HONK!
+
+_Several voices._ Sh'sh!
+
+_Mrs. Guildford._ No ... I ... you ...
+
+_Second gallery boy._ Stop that coughing there!
+
+_Injured voice._ _I_ can't 'elp coughing!
+
+_Several voices._ Sh'sh!
+
+But I'm afraid the coughing was not always the fault of the microbes but
+sometimes of Mr. SUTRO, who seemed to be exploiting a wonderful talent for
+starting his Acts dully. The opening scene of the Second Act, between _Mrs.
+Guildford_ and _Alice Exern_, was particularly tiresome. It went on a long
+time, and seemed when audible to be only a recapitulation of Act I. We
+simply had to cough.
+
+I have said nothing of the story, for the reason that a summary of it would
+hardly do it justice. It is slight, and yet just strong enough to carry two
+or three pleasant creations and much happy dialogue. The important thing is
+that Sir GEORGE is on the stage most of the time, has many delightful
+things to say, and says them delightfully. There are also Miss HENRIETTA
+WATSON, Miss ATHENE SEYLER, and Mr. HERBERT WARING, all excellent.
+
+It remains to be said that the Two Virtues are Chastity and Charity; that
+_Mrs. Guildford_ lacked (I think--but they were coughing a good deal just
+then) the first virtue, and the other ladies the second; and that the
+reclining chair in Act I. was kindly lent by--but the name of the generous
+fellow will be revealed to you in your programme when you go.
+
+M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "'Paphnutius' was given its first public performance in London
+     recently. Miss Ellen Terry appeared in it as an abbcess."
+
+     _Hong Kong Telegraph._
+
+Our impersonation of a nasty sore throat "off" is still the talk of China.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE WAY WITH THEM.
+
+Leeson is the best of living creatures (as so many of us are), but he has
+one detestable foible--he always wants to read something aloud. Now,
+reading aloud is a very special gift. Few men have it, and even of those
+few there are some who do not force it upon their friends; the rest have it
+not, and Leeson is of the rest.
+
+In fact, it is really painful to listen to him, because he not only reads,
+but acts. If it is a woman speaking, he pipes a falsetto such as no woman
+outside a reciter's brain ever possessed. If it is a rustic, he affects a
+dialect from no known district. In emotional passages one does not dare to
+look at him at all, but we all cower with our heads in our hands, as though
+we were convicted but penitent criminals. So much for dramatic or dialogue
+pieces. When it comes to lyric poetry--his favourite form of
+literature--Leeson sings, or rather cantillates, swaying his body to the
+rhythm of the lines. If any of the poets could hear him they would become
+'bus-conductors at once; it is as bad as that.
+
+Otherwise Leeson is excellent company and one likes dining with him. But
+there's always hanging over one the dread that he may have alighted on
+something new and wonderful, and at any moment....
+
+Directly I entered the house last week I was conscious that this had
+happened--Leeson had made another discovery. I had not been in the
+drawing-room for more than a minute, and had barely shaken hands with Mrs.
+Leeson, when he pulled from his pocket a thin book. I knew the worst at
+once: it had about it all the stigmata of new poetry. It was of the right
+deadly hue, the right deadly size, the right deadly roughness about the
+edges.
+
+"I've got something here, my boy," he said. "The real stuff. Let me----"
+
+Just at this moment the door opened and some guests entered.
+
+"Never mind," he remarked to me, as he approached to welcome them; "later.
+It's wonderful--wonderful!"
+
+Other guests arriving occupied him, and then a servant came in to say that
+he was wanted on the telephone.
+
+He returned with the message that Captain Cathcart was sorry to say he
+could not possibly be there until a quarter-past eight. But please don't
+wait.
+
+It was now five minutes past eight.
+
+"What I suggest," said Leeson, "is that we do wait, and that we fill up the
+time by reading one or two poems by a new man that I've just discovered?
+They're simply wonderful!"
+
+He drew out the book and we all composed ourselves to the ordeal; Mrs.
+Gaston, who is the insincerest creature on earth and has no thoughts beyond
+Auction Bridge, even going so far as to say, ecstatically, "A new poet! How
+heavenly!"
+
+But Mrs. Leeson stopped it. "Oh, no," she said, "don't let us wait. Very
+likely Captain Cathcart will be later still." And with a sigh of relief
+that was almost audible we marched down to dinner.
+
+I thought that Leeson cut the time over our cigars rather short, and we had
+no sooner returned to the drawing-room than he began again. "I won't keep
+you more than a few moments," he said, "but I very much want your opinion
+of a new poet I have discovered. I have his work here," and out came the
+deadly book, "and I want to read one or two brief things."
+
+"Oh, George, dear," said Mrs. Leeson, "do you mind postponing that for a
+little? Miss Langton is very kindly going to sing for us, and she has to
+leave early."
+
+Leeson accepted the situation with as much philosophy as he could muster.
+
+As a rule I am bored by amateur, or indeed any, singing after dinner, but I
+looked at Miss Langton with an expression which a Society paper reporter
+might easily have misconstrued.
+
+Long before she had finished we were all calling out, "Thank you! Thank
+you! Encore! Encore!"
+
+Leeson alone was faint in his praises and his face fell to a lower depth
+when she began again.
+
+No sooner had she finished and gone than he was planning another effort,
+but during the opportunity afforded by her departure we had, with great
+address, divided ourselves into such animated groups that Mrs. Leeson, like
+a tactful hostess, laid her hand on his arm and caused him again to
+postpone it.
+
+He wandered forlornly from chair to chair, seeking an opening, and at last
+ventured to clear his throat and again ask if we would like to hear his new
+poet. "I assure you he's wonderful!"
+
+But at this moment old Lady Thistlewood uttered a little cry and at once
+bells were rung for sal-volatile. Her ladyship, it seems, is subject to
+attacks of faintness.
+
+When next Leeson made his proposal the Buntons rose and, expressing every
+variety of sorrow and regret, stated that they had no idea it was so late
+and they must really tear themselves away; Mrs. Bunton tactfully taking
+down the title of this dear new poet's book and its publisher.
+
+This being the signal for the others to leave, I soon found myself alone.
+
+"Now!" said Leeson with a triumphant expression. "Thank goodness they're
+out of the way and we're quiet and snug. Now you shall hear my poet." He
+felt for the book. "I tell you----" He stopped in dismay.
+
+"I could have sworn it was in my pocket," he said, and began to hunt about
+the room.
+
+"Where on earth can it be?" he said.
+
+I helped him to look for it, but in vain.
+
+"Perhaps Mrs. Bunton took it?" I suggested.
+
+"I'm sure she didn't," he replied.
+
+"Perhaps Mrs. Leeson has it?" I said.
+
+But she had not. The last time she had seen it it was on the table after
+Mrs. Bunton copied the title.
+
+Leeson was so utterly dejected that I felt almost sorry for him.
+
+"Well," he said at last, "that's the strangest thing I ever heard of. What
+a disappointment! I did want you to hear it."
+
+But it was precisely because I didn't that in my own pocket was the
+volume's present hiding-place. When the front door had closed behind me
+half-an-hour later, I slipped it into the letter-box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOX.
+
+  The birds see him first, jay and blackbird and thrush;
+    They shriek at his coming and curse him, each one;
+  With the clay of the vale on his pads and his brush,
+    It's the Fallowfield fox and he's pretty near done;
+  It's a couple of hours since a whip tally-ho'd him;
+  Now the rookery's stooping to mob and to goad him;
+  There's an earth on the hill, but he's cooked past believing,
+  And his tongue's hanging out and his wet ribs are heaving.
+  Here he comes up the field at a woebegone trot;
+    He's stiff as a poker, he's done all he knows;
+  Now the ploughmen'll view him as likely as not;
+    There--they run to the paling and yell as he goes:
+  Here's an end, if we live to be two minutes older;
+  See, he turns a glazed eye o'er a mud-spattered shoulder;
+  There's a hound through the hedgerow....
+  Game's up, and he's beaten,
+  And he faces about with a snarl to be eaten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S GALLERY OF BRAVE DEEDS. No. 1.
+
+THE HERO WHO TOOK OUT A PARTY OF LADIES FERRETING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RING.
+
+KEEKS _v._ COCKLES.
+
+I.--OLD STYLE.
+
+_By Tony Shovell._
+
+The much-boomed fight between Nobby Keeks and Bill Cockles ended in
+something of a _fiasco_, the last named being knocked out with a terrific
+uppercut in the first round.
+
+The men stripped well, and appeared in excellent fettle. The fight
+commenced precisely at 11.22, only fifty-two minutes after the advertised
+time.
+
+_1st Round._--Both men opened warily, sparring for an opening. Presently
+Cockles stepped in and drove his left hard to the nose, drawing blood.
+Keeks drew back, and Cockles, following up his advantage, got in a
+nicely-judged left hook on the eye, which began to swell ominously. Though
+his supporters were obviously chagrined, Keeks kept his head admirably, and
+cleverly ducked under a right swing and clinched. At the breakaway Cockles
+got his left home on the ribs, but in doing so left himself open, and Keeks
+shook him up badly with a jab to the jaw. Cockles' hands dropped
+momentarily, and Keeks, whipping in a smashing right uppercut, had his man
+down and out.
+
+A poor struggle, lost solely through carelessness.
+
+
+II.--NEW STYLE.
+
+_By Philip Keppermann._
+
+At twenty-two and a-half minutes past eleven last night a man stood looking
+wistfully over a sea of faces looming whitely through a thin blue haze of
+tobacco smoke. At his feet lay stretched the limp body of his antagonist.
+The disappearance of one eye; under a large red swelling, combined with a
+patulous and rubescent nose, detracted to some extent from the dignity of
+his appearance. An ugly patch of crimson over his left ribs held the
+attention fantastically, morbidly. It was blood, human blood, his own
+blood. The thought fascinated me....
+
+Somewhere a voice was counting slowly, steadily,
+unhesitatingly--_one_--_two_--_three_.... The voice had in it the
+inexorable quality of Fate; it brought tears to the eyes like the wail of
+the Chorus in some Greek drama.
+
+I looked at the man by my side. His regard was fixed intently on the
+prostrate figure in the ring. His fingers played uneasily with his
+watch-chain. He wore evening dress, and I noticed that his tie was a little
+crooked.
+
+Away outside we caught the distant hoot of a motorcar. A dog barked. Then a
+woman in the audience sneezed; it seemed unwarrantable, impertinent, almost
+a desecration....
+
+The voice that was counting ceased. The limp figure did not move. The one
+wistful eye of the victor closed for a moment in relief. There was a sudden
+incursion of hurrying figures into the ring....
+
+The great fight was over. Nobby Keeks had beaten Bill Cockles.
+
+
+_By Theresa Chingles._
+
+I was one of forty-four women who witnessed the great battle last night.
+There were, it was said, over three thousand men.
+
+On my left sat a young girl in a rose-pink evening dress, with a
+dove-colour opera cloak covering her bare shoulders. Her eyes followed
+intently the struggling figures on the stage, and I observed that she wore
+an engagement ring with three diamonds.
+
+A few seats away, surrounded by a swarm of men in evening dress, sat a
+grey-haired woman, watching the fight with interest through a gold-rimmed
+lorgnette. Her eyes twinkled as heavy blows were delivered, and when one of
+the men began to bleed copiously from the nose, she uttered an exclamation
+of delight. She wore black.
+
+So far as I could observe, no woman present showed any sign of repulsion.
+It seemed to me significant of the times. I whispered to my neighbour, "_O
+tempora! O mores!_" but she replied coldly, "Not at all!" I checked my
+impulse to add "_Autres temps, autres moeurs!_"
+
+Of the actual fight I am not competent to speak. I was most interested in
+the referee, whose strong mobile face reminded me occasionally of Lord
+BYRON, at other times of Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+
+_By the Rev. Robert Shackleberry._
+
+I had never seen a boxing contest before I was invited by the enterprising
+editor of _The Daily Gong_ to witness the encounter last night between
+"Nobby" Keeks and William Cockles.
+
+I found an excellent seat reserved for me. It was nearing midnight when the
+two men mounted the platform. Cockles came first, wearing a scarlet
+dressing-gown with yellow collar and cuffs. He seemed to me a bluff,
+hearty, good-tempered-looking man, though perhaps unduly prominent in the
+lower jaw. Keeks, who followed, wore a bright green dressing-gown with a
+pink sash, and shook hands with six or seven members of the audience. He
+was taller and heavier than his opponent, and his features, to my mind,
+more intelligent but less amiable.
+
+There was a long delay, during which I was given to understand that the
+men's hands were being bandaged for some reason. At length the swarm of
+seconds and advisers disappeared to the sound of a gong, and the combatants
+stood up and advanced upon one another. I was embarrassed to observe that
+they were nearly nude, but my embarrassment did not seem to be shared by
+any of the ladies present, so perhaps I have no right to complain.
+
+The actual boxing did not last nearly so long as the preliminaries. This
+was perhaps just as well, since Keeks, afterwards announced the victor,
+unfortunately sustained considerable damage to his right eye and was also
+losing blood from his nose--nasty injuries which, in my opinion, should
+have led to the competition being stopped while he received medical
+attention. No doubt the injuries were undesigned.
+
+Cockles soon afterwards fell down, and refused to rise while some
+individual slowly counted ten. This, I was told, indicated that he was
+desirous of withdrawing from the contest before his antagonist sustained
+any further damage. In my judgment this generosity merited the award of
+victory; but no doubt the authorities know their business.
+
+I was glad to have an opportunity of gaining a new experience, but on the
+whole I must say I prefer a quiet rubber of whist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OPPORTUNIST.
+
+The personal distinctions, experiences, successes, opinions, anecdotes and
+statistics of Dr. Peterson, F.R.C.S., M.R.C.P., are too many for me to
+mention here, but are never too many for him to mention anywhere. That was
+the difficulty with which the Governors of the St. Barnabas Throat and Ear
+Hospital were confronted from the beginning to the end of their business of
+administration. As member of their honorary staff he performed his fair
+share of successful operations, but when it came to speech-making he had no
+consideration either for his own throat or for anybody else's ears.
+
+"It's my belief," said the Chairman, at the special meeting of the Board
+called to arrange the programme for the opening of the new wing, "that the
+whole of this project originated in Peterson's desire to make himself
+heard."
+
+"I certainly remember his introducing the matter to the Board," said
+Thompson, "with a brief sketch of his own career."
+
+"And if the foundation stone could only speak," said Vernon-White, "it
+probably wouldn't be able to recall the name of the man who laid it, but
+would repeat from memory the whole of Peterson's private history."
+
+"Proposed, seconded and carried unanimously," reported the Secretary, "that
+at the opening of the new wing no speech be made by Dr. Peterson."
+
+"So much for our resolution," said Bainbridge. "Nevertheless the company
+will have barely got seated before it hears Peterson wondering whether he
+may occupy a moment of their valuable time with a little experience which
+happened to him the other day."
+
+"Even he will give way to Sir Thingummy," said Thompson, referring to the
+great man who had been invited to make the great speech.
+
+Bainbridge was always a pessimist. "Whether," he said, "the context be the
+opening of the new wing or the duty of gratitude to the man that opened it,
+the one subject the meeting will hear all about will be the son of Peter."
+
+"Proposed, seconded and carried unanimously," reported the Secretary, "that
+the vote of thanks to Sir Frederick Gorton be moved by the Chairman."
+
+"I see myself," said the Chairman, "resuming my seat after a few moments of
+inaudible confusion, and I hear a ringing voice crying forth: 'In rising on
+behalf of the Medical and Surgical Staff to propose a vote of thanks to our
+dear Chairman, I may perhaps be permitted to remind you that I joined that
+staff in 1887, and that since I----?'"
+
+"Who's the senior member of the staff?" asked the Chairman.
+
+"Peterson," said Bainbridge.
+
+"Who's the oldest in mere age?"
+
+"Peterson."
+
+The Chairman thought hard. "The event is fixed for April 29th," said he.
+"Whose week on duty is that?"
+
+The Secretary looked up the books. His face fell. "Peterson's," he said.
+
+"Proposed, seconded and carried unanimously," said the Chairman hurriedly,
+without troubling to take the vote, "that Dr. Wilkes be appointed tomorrow
+the vote of thanks to the Chairman, and that the Secretary be instructed to
+explain the matter, with due tact and circumspection, to Dr. Peterson."
+
+"Dear Peterson," wrote the Secretary,--"At the ceremony of the opening of
+the new wing, my Board is particularly anxious that everything should go
+with a swing, and that there shall be no possibility of any hitch. I am
+instructed to ask you if you will be so good as to hold yourself in
+readiness to make the big technical speech of the day in the unhappy event
+of Sir Frederick Gorton failing to turn up. One is never safe with these
+London men, and it is for that reason that the Board hopes you will not
+mind putting yourself to trouble which may prove wasted. Some of the less
+eloquent members of the Staff can be got to make the short formal
+speeches."
+
+Sir Frederick turned up all right, as the Secretary had taken care that he
+should, and declared the wing open, and thanked the Board for asking him.
+Thereupon the Board, by its Chairman, thanked him, and he rose again and
+very briefly thanked the Board for thanking him. Then Dr. Wilkes got up and
+thanked the Chairman even more briefly still, and the Chairman got up again
+and thanked Dr. Wilkes for thanking him. In fact, only one man didn't get
+his share of formal gratitude, for no one thanked Dr. Peterson for rising
+(if he might) to express a few words of thanks to Dr. Wilkes.
+
+Anticipating this possibility, Dr. Peterson devoted the larger part of his
+speech to thanking himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Grannie._ "AND WIT'S THE MATTER WI' ME RIGHT LEG, DOCTOR?"
+
+_Doctor._ "OH, JUST OLD AGE, MRS. MACDOUGALL."
+
+_Grannie._ "HOOTS, MAN; YE'RE HAVERIN'. THE LEFT LEG'S HALE AND SOOND, AND
+THEY'RE _BAITH_ THE SAME AGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+To read _An Englishman Looks at the World_ (CASSELL), a collection of
+"unrestrained remarks on contemporary matters"--aeroplanes, CHESTERTON and
+BELLOC, libraries, labour unrest, the Great State, and the like--by Mr. H.
+G. WELLS, is to be delighted or infuriated according to your natural habit
+of mind. If established in tolerable comfort in a world which you judge,
+for all its blemishes, to be on the whole rather well run, you will resent
+exceedingly this pert young man (for Mr. WELLS is still astonishingly
+young) with his preposterous eagerness, his insane passion for questioning
+and tinkering and most unfairly putting you and your kind in the wrong. You
+will no doubt find excellent grounds for doubting his ability to
+reconstruct; for suspecting what you will feel to be his pretentious
+breadth of view, his assumed omniscience. But if, on the other hand,
+thinking life in your sombre moments a nightmare of imbecility and in your
+more expansive moments a high adventure of immeasurable possibilities, you
+are straitened between cold despairs and immense hopes, you will readily
+forgive this irreverent, self-confident critic-journalist any crude things
+he may have said in his haste for sake of his flashes of perception, his
+happily descriptive phrases, his inspiring anticipations, his uncalculating
+candour, and above all his generous preoccupation with things that matter
+enormously. "What we prosperous people who have nearly all the good things
+of life and most of the opportunities have to do now is to justify
+ourselves." That is a sentiment and a challenge repeated or implied
+throughout the book. This Englishman looking at his world looks with quick
+eyes. He is himself so intensely interested that he can only fail to
+interest such as find his whole attitude an outrage upon their finally
+adopted convictions and conventions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Have you noticed the way in which certain stories bear the mark of a
+particular place or period? If ever there was a novel that vociferated
+"Cambridge" in every line, _The Making of a Bigot_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON)
+is that one. Well indeed may its paper wrapper display a drawing of King's
+Chapel, though as a matter of fact only the action of the first chapter
+passes in the University town. Miss ROSE MACAULAY has based her story upon
+a quaintly attractive theme. Her hero, _Eddy Oliver_, is a type new to
+fiction. _Eddy_ saw good in everything to such an extent that he allowed
+himself to be persuaded into active sympathy with the aims of practically
+everyone who was aiming at anything, however mutually irreconcilable the
+aims might be. "He went along with all points of view so long as they were
+positive; as soon as condemnation or rejection came in, he broke off."
+Consequently, as you may imagine, his career was pleasantly involved. It
+embraced the Church, various forms of Socialism, and at one time and
+another some devotion to the ideals of Nationalism, Disarmament, Imperial
+Service and the Primrose League. But please don't imagine that all this is
+told in a spirit of comedy. Miss MACAULAY is, if anything, almost too dry
+and serious; this, and her disproportionate affection for the word
+"rather," a little impaired my own enjoyment of the book. It contains some
+happily sketched types of modernity--all of them Cambridge to the
+back-bone; and _Eddy's_ final discovery (which makes the bigot), that one
+can't achieve anything in life without some wholesale hatreds, is genuine
+enough--more so than the system of card-cutting by which he settles his
+convictions. Miss MACAULAY has already, I am told, won a thousand pounds
+with a previous book; this one proves her the possessor of a gift of
+originality that is both rare and refreshing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I could imagine a novel with which I could sympathise deeply, based upon
+the theme of England's regeneration by means of the right type of Tory
+squire, but it would be a novel with a more credible hero and conceived in
+a less petty spirit of party bias than Mr. H. N. DICKINSON has given us in
+_The Business of a Gentleman_ (HEINEMANN). For, in the first place, _Sir
+Robert Wilton_, who figured of course in _Keddy_ and _Sir Guy and Lady
+Rannard_--he has, in fact, by this time married _Marion_, late _Sir Guy's_
+widow--is far too jumpy and nervy a person to fit my ideal of a paternal
+landlord, and what is, after all, more important, I feel convinced that his
+tenants and stable-lads would have thought the same. Secondly, I refuse to
+believe that a spinster, however soured, however much devoted to the cause
+of Labour and misguided crusades for social purity, would have behaved as
+_Miss Baker_ does in this book; and deliberately attempted to father a
+false scandal on _Sir Robert_ merely because she hated his type. And if the
+author replies that he knows of such an instance I maintain that it was
+just one of those things which the art of selection should have prompted
+him to leave out. I have, of course, no fault to find with Mr. DICKINSON'S
+style, which as usual is curiously simple yet at the same time attractive,
+nor with his powers of character-sketching. His schoolboy of seventeen,
+_Eddie Durwold_, is in this book particularly good. It is the things that
+these people do that bothers me. And if I might venture to rename _The
+Business of a Gentleman_ the title I should choose is "The Escapade of an
+Egoist."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. SIDNEY LOW has paid some visits to Egypt and the Sudan, has kept his
+eyes very wide open and has written _Egypt in Transition_ (SMITH, ELDER) in
+consequence. The Earl of CROMER, who has also been there or thereabouts,
+introduces the book to the notice of the public with an appreciative
+preface. Am I then in a position to pass judgment? Yes, I am; for I can
+claim to be literally more informed on the subject than most people, having
+above my share of friends and relations who have been there. I have the
+clearest possible picture of the country--a stretch of sand, some pyramids
+in the background, and, in the centre foreground, smiling
+enigmatically--not the Sphinx, but my friend or relation. I at once gave
+Mr. LOW five marks out of ten upon discovering that none of his
+illustrations reproduced himself on either on or off a camel. On less
+personal grounds, I have no scruple in giving him the remaining five for
+the vastly interesting facts, political, international, social and racial,
+with which he entertained me. It requires no small skill in a dispenser of
+such facts to make them entertaining. Twice only was I minded to quarrel
+with him; once when he expressed a general contempt, based upon one
+egregious example, for the foreign exports of Oxford and Cambridge, and
+again when he got on to the subject of tourists, who include my nearest and
+dearest, and abused them from the standpoint of a "visitor." In the first
+case he was absurd, in the second, common-place; but he made ample
+compensation for both by his memorable chapter of "Conclusions," in which
+he gave me clearly to understand why East, being East, will never be joined
+to West, always West, but yet how the twain have got within measurable
+distance of one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There must have been moments when NAPOLEON found St. Helena a little quiet
+for a man of his temperament; when the monotony of his life there pressed
+somewhat hardly upon him. On these occasions I like to think of him saying
+philosophically to himself, as he remembered what Mr. RUDOLF PICKTHALL
+calls "the last phase but two," "Well, after all, this isn't Elba. I've got
+that much to be thankful for." In _The Comic Kingdom_ (LANE) Mr. PICKTHALL
+shows how everybody on the island struggles to make a bit out of their
+visitors. Little children rallied round with posies of wild flowers,
+demanding large sums in payment. Bogus monks waved crosses at him, and, if
+he pretended not to notice them, rolled in the dust under his carriage
+wheels. There was never a moment when somebody was not calling with a bust
+of the Emperor or Empress, price three hundred francs. And itinerant bands
+played under his windows into the small hours of the morning. I can imagine
+him saying, in the words of ORESTES, "Dis is a dam country." ORESTES was
+the guide who conducted Mr. PICKTHALL through the island. It revolted him,
+but he did it. "I tink we better leave to-morrow," was a sort of refrain
+with ORESTES. He had a poor opinion of Elba, which I for one do not share.
+After reading _The Comic Kingdom_ I feel that one of my coming holidays
+must be spent climbing its hills and supplying its thirsty inhabitants with
+wine. The scenery is apparently worth while, and the natives appear a
+friendly lot. I like their enthusiasm for literature. They turned out in
+their hundreds and insisted on Mr. PICKTHALL'S standing treat, just because
+they mistook him for a great historian. When I tell them I write for
+_Punch_ they will be all over me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WORLD'S WORKER.
+
+LADY OF TITLE TAKING LESSONS IN BUILDING-CONSTRUCTION PRIOR TO PERFORMING
+THE CEREMONY OF LAYING A FOUNDATION-STONE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a notice of "The New Standard Dictionary" in _The London Teacher_:--
+
+     "The Dictionary is arranged in alphabetical order, thus being a great
+     time saver, and one can find what is required with the greatest ease."
+
+Otherwise it is so awkward, when you want to know how to spell "parallel"
+in a hurry, to have to go through one volume after another until you come
+to it.
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+   Changed "there" to "three" in the second to last paragraph
+   of "At the play" on page 195.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, MARCH 11, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 23726.txt or 23726.zip *******
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