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diff --git a/23352-8.txt b/23352-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7446d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/23352-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1792 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Comical People, by Unknown + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Comical People + +Author: Unknown + +Illustrator: J. J. Grandville + +Release Date: November 6, 2007 [EBook #23352] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMICAL PEOPLE *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards, Emmy and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +University of Florida, The Internet Archive/Children's +Library) + + + + + + + +[Illustration: Cover: COMICAL PEOPLE] + + + + +COMICAL PEOPLE. + + + + +COMICAL PEOPLE + +ILLUSTRATED + +WITH SIXTEEN PICTURES + + TAKEN FROM THE EMBROIDERED TAPESTRY CONTRIBUTED + BY MARIA FUSINATA, OF BELLUNO, + TO THE GREAT EXHIBITION. + +Drawn and Grouped from the Designs + +OF + +J. J. GRANDVILLE. + + LONDON: + DAVID BOGUE, 86 FLEET STREET. + MDCCCLII. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + LADY CHAFFINCH'S BALL 1 + + THE LORD OF THE MANOR 13 + + MY NEIGHBOURS. A COUNTRY STORY. BY WARREN RABBITT 17 + + THE DE MOUSAS. A TALE 27 + + ROOKWOOD HALL 33 + + CITY PEOPLE 37 + + THE PORTRAIT-PAINTER 41 + + THE STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE EXHIBITION 46 + + ALDERMAN GOBBLE'S AMBITION 49 + + MRS. STRUTT'S SEMINARY 53 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + + PAGE + + LADY CHAFFINCH'S BALL (_Double Plate_) _Frontispiece_ + + THE GREAT MR. GRANDBOY AND THE HON. MRS. DELMACARE 5 + + LADY ZEBU AND ADMIRAL MACAW 7 + + THE POACHER 13 + + THE DUEL BETWEEN MR. CHANTICLEER AND YOUNG LEVERETT 17 + + MR. LEVERETT'S INTERVIEW WITH SHARPE VULTURE, ESQ. 23 + + THE ARREST OF MR. CHANTICLEER 25 + + THE DE MOUSAS 27 + + THE MARRIAGE SETTLEMENT 33 + + MR. TRUNK AND HIS ADVISERS 37 + + MR. PORCUPINE'S STUDIO 41 + + THE STRANGE VISITORS AT THE EXHIBITION 47 + + LORD FALCON AND HIS LONDON VISITORS 49 + + THE WALK TO HIGHGATE 53 + + THE TRAVELLING SHOWMAN 55 + + + + +PREFACE. + + +AMONG the contributions to the Great Exhibition which, from their +position, did not acquire that popularity and praise which was due to +them, were some fine specimens of embroidery from Vienna and various +towns in Austria. + +Hung high up, beyond the glance of the casual observer, the +elaborately-worked tapestry of Maria Fusinata attracted little +attention. Those, however, who had the good fortune to notice it were +always delighted with the excellent adaptation of the clever designs of +Grandville, which the embroiderer had so faithfully rendered. The +expression of the animals was most cleverly given, and the brightness of +the colours added much to the effect of the compositions. + +Had Ploucquet added some of these designs to his "Reynard the Fox," he +would have increased the attraction of his show, deservedly popular as +it was. Grandville, in these delineations of the faculties of animals, +is quite equal to Kaulbach; and, though the French artist had not the +honour of having his pictures copied in stuffed animals, they are +thought to be quite worthy of being formed into a volume as a sequel to +the "Comical Creatures from Wurtemberg." + + + + +LADY CHAFFINCH'S BALL. + + +HEIGH-HO! well, I am at home again at last. I wonder if I am the same +innocent little Linnet that left these bowers only three months ago. +What have I seen, where have I been?--or rather, What have I not seen, +where have I not been? I have visited China and Peru, Nova Scotia, +Trinidad, and Tuscany; I have been to Sweden, Egypt, Germany, and +Mexico, and I have some recollections of Sardinia, and the United +States. This is good travelling for three months, is it not? + +Let me think: how shall I tell you about it? I will begin at the +beginning-- + +Three months ago, as I was sitting in our summer-house, warbling one of +my newest songs, our page Tom--Tom-tit we call him, he is such a funny +little fellow--brought me a letter that had just been left by the +postboy. + +I have it by heart. + +"My dear little Songbird,"--this is a name they gave to me from my +infancy, for they say I could sing before I could speak,--"My dear +little Songbird," thus the letter began, "All the world is coming to +London this spring to see the most wonderful of sights; try and persuade +my dear sister, that kind Mamma of yours, to let you pay your +long-promised visit to me. You must come in May, and you may stay with +me as long as you can bear to be away from your delightful home. Let me +know when I may expect you. + + "Your loving Aunt, + "JENNY GOLDFINCH." + +And I remember that the envelope was addressed, "Lady Linnet, Gorse +Bush, Somersetshire;" and that in the left-hand corner there was +written, "For Miss Linnet." + +Did not I fly to my "kind Mamma" as soon as I had read this note, and +when she had consented that I should go to see that dear old Aunt of +mine in London, did not I half smother her with kisses. I thought the +first of May would never come,--but it did; and Tom-tit was sent to +London with me by the railway to take care of me. + +My good Aunt received me with the greatest kindness, and her son +Drinkwater, one of the handsomest young fellows I ever saw in my life, +began whispering compliments to me as soon as ever we were left +together. I had a lovely little boudoir entirely for my own use, and my +page Tom-tit had nothing else to do but wait on me. My cousin +Drinkwater and I were soon great friends; he took me to the Opera, +where I listened to singing such as I had never heard at Gorse Bush; he +took me to the Chiswick Fête, where I saw flowers such as I had never +dreamed of; and he took me--how many times? well, I can't recollect--to +that dear, delightful Crystal Palace, where we visited more foreign +countries than I knew of in my Geography, and where we often found +ourselves quite alone, looking at those charming seeds from the West +India Islands; and where we enjoyed some of the most delightful days of +all our lives,--at least, Drinkwater said so; and I think I must say so +too. + +Every one has been to the Crystal Palace, so it is of no use talking +about the Koh-i-noor, or the fierce-looking Amazon, or the beautiful +Veiled Vestal, or the Greek Slave, or those terrible-looking owls or +funny foxes, or the other Comical Creatures that came from Wurtemberg. I +will, therefore, tell you how we amused ourselves when we were not +inclined to have our brains bewildered. + +First, let me inform you that my cousin, who was born in London, knows +all the grand people by sight, and bows to a great many of them. You may +imagine what a treat it was to me, who had lived in a country village +all my life, to see with my own eyes His Royal Highness the Prince, or +His Grace the Duke, or Her Grace the Duchess, or His Excellency the +Marquis, or the Most Noble the Marchioness, pass by in their grand +carriages. How I used to stand on tip-toe to get a glimpse of their +faces over the people's heads, and how Drinkwater used to laugh at me. + +One morning we were walking in Hyde Park, amusing ourselves in the usual +way, when Drinkwater whispered to me hurriedly, "Here come a great Lion +and Lioness." You may imagine my sensations. Bewildered with terror, I +was about to leave him, and fly; but when I turned with trembling limbs +and looked in the direction he pointed out, I saw that these fearful +creatures appeared quite harmless: in fact, the great Lion, though he +looked very magnificent, was quietly smoking a cigar; and except that +the Lioness stared very fiercely, and wore spurs, and carried a +riding-whip, I really don't think I should have known that she was a +Lioness. A little Tiger, leading the Lioness's horse, followed them at a +short distance. + +I noticed that every one made way for these important members of +society, who, indeed, seemed to think the earth hardly good enough for +them to walk upon; but when they had passed by, I heard the people say, +"That's the great Mr. Grandboy. He is one of our celebrated Lions. He is +a perfect literary Beau Brummel; the author of several novels, that have +been read prodigiously; he composes operas, sets the fashion of the +cravat, and, they say, writes leaders for 'The Times.'" + +"And who, pray, is the Lioness?" + +"That is the Hon. Mrs. Delmacare. She writes novels, too, follows the +hounds, and often whips her Tiger." + +Such were the remarks of the crowd. + +Drinkwater told me that some of these Lions and Lionesses do most +extraordinary things, and that people run after them and invite them to +the most costly entertainments, where they are expected to amuse the +guests by their roars. I am glad I am not a Lioness. + +When I had somewhat recovered from the agitation caused by this +rencontre, Drinkwater persuaded me to take a walk to St. James's Park, +to see those charming ducks, and the black swans, and the queer little +creatures that dive so prettily. We passed under the arch with the great +horse on the top. I asked my cousin if he knew what country such horses +were found in, but he could not tell me, and we walked on and soon came +to the Queen's Palace. + +Here let me take breath;--just at the very moment we reached the +gateway, out rolled the royal carriage, and in it, to our great +happiness, we beheld her Most Gracious Majesty the Queen, and His Royal +Highness the Prince Albert; and with them were those dear children, the +Princess Royal and the Prince of Wales--Heaven bless them! How I did +long to kiss them both. When the last wheel of the royal carriage was +quite out of sight, we turned to look at the palace that the Queen +lived in, and Drinkwater pointed out to me the funniest creature that +ever I saw standing on a pedestal by the gate. He said it was a Unicorn, +and that it was put there on purpose to make the Queen laugh. After we +had counted the thousand and one windows in the front of the Palace, we +strolled along the pleasant path by the little lake, and watched the +children as they came with cakes in their hands to feed those greedy +geese, that seemed as if they would gobble up cakes, and children, and +all. + +While we were resting ourselves on a seat under the trees, some distant +relations of ours, the Sparrowes of Evryware, passed by. It was well +they did not see us, for some of them know me, and I must confess that I +should not like to have been seen speaking to such shabby, ill-looking +fellows. I wonder what their relations in the country would have said, +had they seen them in such wretched condition. Their coats were torn, +one of them had lost part of his tail, and their faces looked as if they +had not been washed since the last shower of rain. Fearing lest the +Sparrowes should return and discover us, I asked Drinkwater to take the +ferry-boat to the other side; and just as we landed we had the pleasure +of seeing the great Lord Bison introduce his sister, Lady Dorothy Zebu, +to the renowned Admiral Macaw. You should have seen the polite bow of +the admiral, and the delightful curtsey of the lady. I was charmed +beyond expression. Lord Bison has a fine military air; they say he +fought many battles on the American prairies. Lady Dorothy, who has just +come from India, has, on the contrary, a mild, benignant countenance, +and, I am told, is very religious. The admiral was covered with gold, +and purple, and scarlet, and looked for all the world like one of his +namesakes in that beautiful place, the Zoological Gardens. + +This was one of my most eventful days in London, and I shall long +remember it. + +But now I must tell you of that evening--shall I confess it? the +happiest evening of my life--when Drinkwater and I went to Lady +Chaffinch's ball. My Aunt was too indisposed to accompany us; she +therefore called her son, and told him to take great care of me, as much +as if I were his own sister. I have an idea that if my dear Aunt knew +all, she would have said that he rather exceeded his instructions; but +never mind, he took great care of me. + +The carriage came for us at ten o'clock, when, had I been at Gorse Bush, +I should have been fast asleep on my perch,--as Drinkwater says, for he +loves to plague me about being a Linnet. My Cousin was beautifully +attired; he wore a most superb cravat, of a deep ruby colour, and an +under-waistcoat of the brightest amber; but, in fact, he always attracts +admiration; and I think, without vanity, that I looked extremely well in +the new brown dress I took with me from home. At a quarter past ten we +entered Lady Chaffinch's ball-room, and, for a moment, I was perfectly +bewildered; indeed, Drinkwater had to apologise to our hostess for my +strange behaviour by saying I was not quite well. However, her ladyship, +whom I had often seen in the country, was very kind to me, led me to a +seat, and began asking after her old friends. This soon brought me to my +senses; and after a little while I could bear to look at the dazzling +chandeliers, the magnificent pier-glasses, and the splendidly-dressed +people, without being giddy at the sight. Soon after our arrival, the +band commenced playing, and some of the company arranged themselves for +a dance. Old Sir Cayman Alligator, an East-Indian Director, led out the +graceful Lady Caroline Giraffe, who, I must say, deserved the praise +young Nightingale bestowed upon her, when he said, she was one of +"Nature's nobility." I could not but admire her large, full eyes, which +looked at you so tenderly, and the gentle bending of her beautiful neck; +and then, what a contrast she was to her horrid-looking partner! I +suppose he must be very rich, or I cannot think why Lady Chaffinch +should have invited him. Opposite to them stood young Lord Crowe, a +younger brother of the noble Earl of Ravenskind, and with him was the +Honourable Miss Pigeon. Lord Crowe is a good-looking fellow, rather +dark, it must be confessed; but as he wears glasses, he looks very +interesting. They say that his brother, the Earl, has picked up his +great wealth in a most unaccountable manner, and that the whole family +have a singular want of discrimination in the meaning of the words +_meum_ and _tuum_. His partner, who had a nice, dove-coloured dress on, +appeared very desirous of pleasing the young Lord, and I thought they +seemed very happy together. The other couples were Sir Hector +Downcharge, of Kennelhouse, a great sportsman, who came in his militia +uniform, and Miss Pie, the daughter of the celebrated Mrs. Margaret, or +Mag Pie, as her neighbours call her. And opposite to them were a Mr. +Puddock, a person connected with the City, who, through the death of a +relative, has just come into possession of a fine marshy estate among +the Lincolnshire Fens; and Miss Lavinia Greyhound, who, as all the world +knows, was a long time engaged to young Hare, who ran away from her in a +very shameful way, and hurt her feelings so much that she did not appear +again in public for several months. + +Drinkwater and I stood aside, and entertained ourselves with quiet +remarks to each other, not always complimentary to the company. He +thought Miss Pie the prettiest of the dancers, and certainly she was +sweetly dressed, and looked very well. Her partner, Sir Hector, was, +without doubt, the handsomest of the gentlemen, though he appeared to me +to give himself airs, like an overfed spaniel that has been too much +petted, and to lounge about in a way not at all becoming a lady's +ball-room. The little fellow from the City, his _vis-à-vis_, was a very +different person--he seemed determined to let us all know that he had +lately been taking twelve dancing-lessons of Madame Hopper, for he +turned his toes out in the most _elegant_ way, and was evidently quite +impressed with a belief that he was astonishing the spectators with his +surprising agility. The very tie of his cravat made Drinkwater nearly +die with suppressed laughter; and when the youth began dancing, we were +obliged to take a walk into the adjoining Conservatory, lest our +merriment should be discovered. I never knew a more delightful place +than this Conservatory; the flowers in it are brighter than I have seen +elsewhere; and some that Drinkwater gathered for me were far sweeter +than any I had ever known before. We staid sometime in this Conservatory +looking at the beautiful exotics, and talking of _nothing_ else but of +them and the weather; and it was not till we had been there more than +half-an-hour that I discovered that we were quite alone. We immediately +returned to the ball-room, where, luckily, our absence had not been +discovered, and in a few minutes were whirling round in a most +delightful waltz. + +But I have forgotten the rest of the company. Foremost in dignity was +the Countess Auk, of Stornaway Rock, in the Hebrides; and with her were +her two nieces, Lady Isabella Snipe and the Honourable Miss Woodcock. I +saw Mr. Reynard, the celebrated member for Hollowoak, having a long +gossip with the Countess and her young charges, for both of whom he +seemed to profess great admiration. Mr. Jay, the member for +Chatterfield, was likewise there, and paid a good deal of attention, I +thought, to the Honourable Miss Dove, a cousin of Miss Pigeon's. Miss +Dove plays very nicely, and sometimes, when the band required rest, she +rattled off a waltz in fine style, Mr. Jay most attentively turning the +music-leaves. + +Drinkwater also pointed out to me Miss Stork, the daughter of the +Attorney-General, so famous for the length of his bill; Miss Blaccap, +who, they say, sings as sweetly as a Robin-Redbreast; Lord Bruin, who +has just come from a tour in Russia; the Right Honourable Mr. Ramshead; +and a crowd of folks, more or less known, most of whom _would_ stand by +the doorway and prevent the servants and the fresh air from entering the +room. + +About three o'clock the Countess of Auk's carriage was summoned, and the +company began to retire. Drinkwater and I stood shivering on the stairs +full half-an-hour before Lady Goldfinch's brougham was announced; and +when we reached home, I found I had been fast asleep with my head on +Drinkwater's shoulder. + +Ten days after Lady Chaffinch's ball, I was obliged to tear myself away +from my kind aunt and my dear cousin, and with only Tom-tit for my +companion, to return to this dismal Gorse Bush, which I used to think +the sweetest of homes. Now I do nothing but wonder how long it will be +before my aunt invites me to London again. Tom-tit brings me letters +from the post-boy much oftener than before, and were it not for them, I +do not think I could bear my existence. + + * * * * * + +This is the substance of some letters I have lately received from my +dear friend, Julia Linnet. She is a warm-hearted little thing, easily +led away by her enthusiasm. At first, I was afraid she would pine away +with melancholy; but all my uneasiness was dispelled a few mornings +since, when a lace-bordered envelope reached me, enclosing two cards +tied together with silver-cord, on one of which was written,-- + +[Illustration: Mr. Drinkwater Goldfinch + Furze Park] + +[Illustration: THE GREAT MR. GRANDBOY, AND THE HON. MRS. DELMACARE.] + +[Illustration: LADY ZEBU AND ADMIRAL MACAW.] + +[Illustration: THE POACHER.] + + + + +THE LORD OF THE MANOR. + + +SIR VANE PEACOCK was the owner of large estates in Cumberland, and a +great game preserver. His tenantry were bound to protect all the hares, +partridges, and pheasants that fed on their young corn; and, in return, +Sir Vane entertained them once a-year with a dinner of roast mutton and +potatoes, when good luck enabled them to bring their rents on Old +Michaelmas-day. A great personage was Sir Vane Peacock. He was the +possessor of two thousand acres of the richest arable land in the +county, besides his own park and grounds, of a hundred and twenty acres, +well covered with fine trees. Sir Vane would have been happy but for one +circumstance: he could not prevent the village poachers from destroying +his game. It was in vain that he employed keepers and offered rewards +for every depredator they apprehended or _killed_; year after year +rolled by, and still Sir Vane's great struggle in life was to preserve +his partridges. Sir Vane was a county magistrate, and it may be imagined +how summarily he dealt with all offenders brought before him. In one +year, two young fellows, named Martin and Weesel, both belonging to the +village, were shot by his keepers, Martin in the leg and Weesel in the +back, because they were found near a rabbit-warren at a suspicious hour +in the evening; and an old fellow, whom they called Horny Owl, was so +severely beaten on the head by one of the Baronet's men, that he only +lived two days afterwards. Old Horny was concealed in the trunk of a +hollow oak, and was found there with no less than three young partridges +in his possession, which he pleaded he was about to take home for his +little ones' supper. But Sir Vane could never catch the rascals who did +the most mischief: one was a notorious character, known as Bill Kite; +the others a family of brothers, whose name was Lurcher. These were too +old at the sport, and too cunning, to let the keepers get near them, and +it is believed they made a very excellent living out of Sir Vane's +game-preserves. + +Among the Baronet's tenantry was a Mr. Pointer, a thoroughly well-bred +individual, who lived at a farm close by the park, and who generally +accompanied Sir Vane on his shooting-excursions. Mr. Pointer had but one +son, named Carlo, with whose training he had taken much pains, and at an +early age Carlo promised soon to know as much about field matters as his +worthy father. But Carlo had one failing which his parent little dreamed +of. On one occasion, when on a visit to a neighbouring farm, the youth +had tasted a hare, and ever afterwards he longed to regale himself +again on such delightful food. One unlucky morning Carlo was rambling +about his father's farm with a gun on his arm, merely to shoot the rooks +and frighten away the sparrows, when a hare jumped out of her form and +ran away straight before him. The opportunity was too tempting. Bang! +went Carlo's gun, and poor pussy tumbled head over heels. Carlo looked +round him with anxious glances, and fancying the coast was clear, took +up his prize and put it in his pocket; but just as he was vaulting over +a gate, Towser, the head-keeper at the park, emerged from behind the +hedge, and, without a word, took Carlo's gun from his arm and the hare +from his pocket. Carlo was no match for Towser, so he allowed himself to +be led before the great Sir Vane without opposition. Towser related the +whole of Carlo's terrible offence, which he had witnessed from behind +the fence, and the indignant Sir Vane demanded the criminal's reply. +Carlo assumed a bold and careless air; told the Baronet that he wished +to have the hare for his dinner, and that he could see no harm in +killing animals that were feeding on his father's corn. This enraged Sir +Vane to such an extent that he started from his chair, seized the gun +from Towser, and would certainly have shot Carlo on the spot, had not +the youth sprung upon the Baronet, wrenched the gun out of his hands, +and laid him sprawling on the floor. Towser ran to his master's +assistance, and Carlo, without waiting for his sentence, jumped through +the open window into the garden, flew across the lawn with the speed of +a greyhound, and quickly put forty long miles between himself and +Peacock Hall. + +Ten days afterwards Carlo read in "The Sportsman's Chronicle" that, much +to the regret of his family and a numerous circle of admiring friends, +Sir Vane Peacock had died suddenly of apoplexy, brought on by a fall. +Not a word was said about the cause of the accident; indeed the Baronet, +on his deathbed, remembering that he himself had commenced the outrage, +had expressly forbidden Towser to mention it, and Carlo thought that he +might as well return home at once. + +Sir Vane Peacock left no children, and the estates descended to his +cousin, Sir Java Peacock, who, fortunately for Carlo, had been too long +a witness of the evils arising from game-preserving to wish to continue +them. Immediately after taking possession, the new landlord sent a note +round, informing every tenant on his estate that he was at perfect +liberty to shoot or course all the game he found on his own farm. + +It is said that from that time Carlo dined off roast hare and +currant-jelly at least once in every week for the remainder of his +life. + +[Illustration: THE DUEL.] + + + + +MY NEIGHBOURS. + +A COUNTRY STORY. BY WARREN RABBITT. + + +IN a charming retreat, upon the borders of a wood in Gloucestershire, I +once enjoyed the society of some friends, named Leverett, with whom I +was very intimate. They seemed to be the happiest little family in the +world, subsisted mostly on the produce of their farm, and always +welcomed a neighbour like myself with great hospitality. I resided at +that time at a pleasant place called the Sandpits, not far from their +abode, and I often looked in as I passed by, for half an hour's chat +with the old lady, or to ask Jack or his brother Bob to take a stroll +with me in the woods. The father was remarkable for his extreme caution, +seldom went far from home, and never meddled with other people's +affairs. It would have been well had his sons followed his example; but +then I should not have had this tale to tell. + +Close by us, at the largest farm-house in the county, there lived a Mr. +Chanticleer, one of the proudest and most irritable fellows I ever had +the misfortune to meet with. To see the airs with which he strutted +about his farm-yard, and drove all the ducks and geese flying to make +way for him, often made Jack Leverett and myself laugh: but when he went +out for a walk with his wife and daughters, his consequence appeared to +be increased tenfold, and one wondered where the path was broad enough +for him to walk upon. + +Mr. Chanticleer was extremely jealous of any intrusion upon his +property, and warned off every one who did but set foot on his land. Tom +Leverett knew this well enough, and knew what a pugnacious and litigious +fellow his neighbour was, so he ought to have been more careful than to +give Chanticleer any ground of complaint. Tom, it appears, had a great +taste for botany, and often rose early to indulge in his favourite +pursuit. One morning, in the ardour of his search for some particular +plant, Tom crept through the hedge into one of his neighbour's fields; +and so much absorbed was he in the discovery of some sweet-tasting grass +which he had never before met with, that he did not notice the approach +of Mr. Chanticleer, until that worthy was close upon him. + +Chanticleer, it appears, always made a practice of rising early; but +though Tom had distinguished his voice--so loud you might have heard it +half a mile off--calling to the people in the farm-yard, he did not at +all expect a visit from him in the particular field that he was +examining. + +"Well, sir," said Mr. Chanticleer to Tom, in an authoritative tone as +he came close up to him, "may I ask what brings you here?" + +"I am studying botany," replied Tom. + +"Studying fiddlesticks!" cried his neighbour; "what business have you in +my fields?" + +"I have examined all the plants on our side," answered Tom, meekly. + +"Then go back and examine them again," cried Mr. Chanticleer, putting +himself in a great passion, "and don't let me see you here any more!" + +"You need not be angry, sir," said Tom, "I have done no mischief." + +"Angry, sir! what do you mean by angry?" spluttered out the other. "I'll +teach you to tell me I'm angry!" and so saying, he thrust Tom with all +his force into the hedge. + +Luckily there was a gap there, and Tom was able to get through, and thus +escape from any further insult. He heard Chanticleer's voice shouting +after him; Tom did not stay to listen, but ran towards the wood as fast +as his legs would carry him. + +It so happened, that just before Tom reached home he met Captain +Bulldog, an old officer of the Guards, who had retired on half-pay, with +an extra pension for the loss of one of his legs, which he had left on +the field, and to him Tom recounted all the circumstances of the +assault. The Captain immediately told Tom that he had but one course to +pursue, which was, to call Chanticleer out. Tom did not at first +understand this phrase; but, on its being explained to him, his knees +knocked together, and he begged the Captain to say nothing more of the +matter. But the Captain, who owed Chanticleer a grudge, insisted that +Tom should place himself entirely in his hands, took the poor youth to +his own house, and did not let him rest till Tom had fairly indited a +challenge. This the Captain had the great satisfaction of delivering +personally to Mr. Chanticleer, who turned very red in the face on +reading it, and made some little attempts at an apology. These the +Captain would not listen to, saying, the insult was too great for +apologies; and Chanticleer was at last obliged to refer him to his +friend, Sir Wiley Reynard, of Underwood, to arrange a meeting. + +Poor Tom! I think I see him now, as he came with his long face to tell +me of the scrape he had got into. + +"I would stay at home," said the unfortunate youth, with tears in his +eyes, "but that I am afraid of offending Captain Bulldog, who will, +perhaps, challenge me himself, if I don't fight Chanticleer; and of the +two enemies," added Tom, forcing a faint smile, "you know which I should +prefer." + +Afterwards, Tom told me where the meeting was to be; and as I thought my +young neighbour might want a friend, I determined to be near at hand. + +It was about six o'clock on a cold, grey, autumn morning, that I +concealed myself in a thicket by the side of Goose Common, and waited +the arrival of the combatants. Captain Bulldog, with young Leverett by +his side, were first on the field, and I could see that poor Tom shook +in every limb. They did not wait long. A post-chaise soon came +clattering along the road, and out of it jumped Sir Wiley Reynard, +Doctor Crane, and Mr. Chanticleer. Sir Wiley and the Captain soon +arranged the preliminaries, and Chanticleer walked boldly and jauntily +to his post. Not so my friend. Poor Tom, fainthearted at all times, was +now terrified to such a degree, that the Captain had absolutely to +support him, or he would certainly have dropped. Presently, Sir Wiley +gave the signal to fire; Tom complied at once, and sent his bullet +flying somewhere above my head, about as wide of the mark as it well +could be; and then, without waiting for the compliment of a return, off +he started as fast as ever his legs carried him in his life, cleared the +hedge at a bound, and ran straight into a thick wood. I nearly died with +laughter, not only to see Tom run, but to behold the terrible look of +the Captain, as he gazed after his flying friend; to watch the surprised +and somewhat pleased look of Chanticleer, who seemed half inclined to +fire after the fugitive; and to see the puzzled expression of Sir +Wiley's face, and the comical grin on Dr. Crane's, as he tapped his box +and offered the Baronet a pinch. After a few moments of silence, no one +knowing what to do in such an unusual dilemma, the Captain walked up to +Sir Wiley, and offered, if the Baronet were not satisfied, to fight +either Mr. Chanticleer or the Baronet himself, whichever was preferred. +But Sir Wiley replied very politely that he was perfectly satisfied with +Captain Bulldog, and that he only regretted that the Captain should act +for such a coward as Mr. Thomas Leverett. On this the Captain began +abusing poor Tom so terribly, that I thought it best to beat a retreat +and see after my runaway friend. When I arrived home I found him sitting +in my little back-parlour, just as I expected. He had covered his face +with his hands, and was crying bitterly. I comforted the poor fellow as +well as I could, and did not give him the least grounds for suspecting +that I had been a witness of his behaviour. In a little time he became +calmer, and then he told me that the report of his own pistol had +frightened him so much, that, for his life, he could not help running +away. + +It was not many days after this that Tom came to me again, evidently in +great pain; and, from the broken sentences that escaped him, I learned +that as he and his brother Bob were walking in the public road, +Chanticleer had met them; and after calling Tom by every abusive name he +could think of, had ended by thrashing him with a riding-whip, till the +unfortunate youth could scarcely stand. I thought this was carrying the +matter too far, so I walked home with him to speak to his father about +it. The old gentleman was very much excited at Tom's account of the +quarrel; he had not heard a word about it till that day, and said that +Chanticleer should pay dearly for what he had done; and as for Tom's +mother, she fainted away at first, and ended by urging her husband to +prosecute that rascal Chanticleer, even if it cost them their last grain +of food. She thought but little of what she was saying then, but she +remembered it afterwards. + +On that very afternoon old Mr. Leverett and Bob took the railway to +Gloucester, and went at once to the celebrated lawyer, Mr. Sharpe +Vulture, of Billocost Row. Mr. Vulture, who was just going home to +dinner, and was both hungry and savage, heard their story with great +impatience, told them to come again the next morning, and bade them good +day. He thus saved his dinner hot, and pocketed an extra fee for an +additional consultation. His client, little used to lawyers' +pleasantries, thought this behaviour very strange; but as he had some +relations close by the town, he resolved that he and Bob would spend the +night with them, and they told me they were most hospitably entertained. + +On the next morning the father and son again called on the celebrated +Mr. Sharpe Vulture, and this time with better success, for that worthy +recommended that Mr. Leverett should first apply to a magistrate for a +warrant against Mr. Chanticleer; and, secondly, that Tom should commence +an action against him for the assault. + +To both these courses old Leverett offered no opposition; and on Bob's +evidence Sir Simon Graveowl, a magistrate of noted wisdom, granted a +warrant against Chanticleer, which Mr. Sharpe Vulture immediately gave +to an active young policeman to execute. Now, it happened to be +market-day at Gloucester, and as Mr. Chanticleer was a large consumer of +barley, he usually attended the Corn Exchange during certain hours. This +the policeman knew; so no sooner had he received the warrant than he +walked straight to Mr. Chanticleer as he stood talking loudly to a large +circle of friends and neighbours,--old Mr. Drake, young Mr. Gosling, Mr. +Peacock, Mr. Pidgeon, Mr. Swann, and several others,--and forthwith +arrested him. Poor Mr. Chanticleer! how crest-fallen he looked! All his +crowing was stopped in a moment. He walked by the policeman's side in +silence, and looked as much like a culprit as any thief that was ever +found with the stolen goods in his possession. + +The policeman, thrown off his guard by Chanticleer's quietness, walked +by his side without holding him, and of this my neighbour was not slow +to avail himself; for just as they had passed a narrow street, he +suddenly ran back, and, with a loud noise, flew along the pavement as if +twenty Sharpe Vultures were pursuing him. The policeman was not slow to +follow; and when the unfortunate Chanticleer was stopped by a sentinel +at the gate of the barracks, he seized his prisoner with such violence +by his red neck-tie, that he almost strangled him there and then. + +Old Leverett chuckled to himself, and was greatly delighted to see +Chanticleer brought into the magistrate's room by two policemen, one +holding him tightly by each arm. Mr. Sharpe Vulture immediately brought +forward the accusation against the prisoner. Bob's evidence was taken: +it was declared that Tom was too unwell from the effects of the assault +to attend in person, and Mr. Chanticleer was fined five pounds. For this +amount he immediately wrote an order on his bankers,--Brier, Primrose, +and Whitethorn; and then, greatly to old Leverett's chagrin, the +prisoner was discharged, and all parties left the court. + +Mr. Sharpe Vulture advised instant proceedings at law. Accordingly, an +action was brought for damages; but through some _little_ informality, +the plaintiff was defeated, and had to pay his own and Mr. Chanticleer's +lawyers' costs. Mr. Sharpe Vulture advised a second action, which was +tried, I remember, at the Assizes just twelve months after the assault +complained of. Counsel were engaged on each side. Mr. Badger was for +Chanticleer, and the Hon. Mr. Muff for the Leveretts. Badger had Captain +Bulldog put into the witness-box, and the whole story of the duel was +told in court, making even the learned judge roar with laughter. Badger +proved, beyond a doubt, that Tom had well deserved castigation for his +cowardice, and that Mr. Chanticleer had only laid his whip lightly +across his shoulders; that Bob, as one of the family, was not to be +believed; and that the defendant bore the highest character for +gentleness of disposition. The Hon. Mr. Muff proved nothing, but that he +richly deserved his name, and the jury returned a verdict for the +plaintiff, damages one farthing. + +Poor old Leverett! this trial completely ruined him. Sharpe Vulture +seized all his property, and the once happy little family were sent +adrift on the wide world without a home. + +The last time I heard of them, the mother and the two sons were living +in an humble way not far from the sea-side; the father was dead; Tom +still continued his favourite study, but he always took great care not +to trespass in other people's fields. + +[Illustration: MR. LEVERETT'S INTERVIEW WITH SHARPE VULTURE, ESQ.] + +[Illustration: THE DE MOUSAS.] + + + + +THE DE MOUSAS. + +A TALE. + + +IN one of those charming Italian villas lately built at Bayswater, live +Mr. Persian and Lady Angora De Mousa, personages of much consequence in +the society to which they belong. Late hours, and a somewhat gay life, +have a little impaired Lady Angora's beauty; but she still attracts +great admiration, and her husband is as proud of her as ever. + +A highly respectable couple, but of plainer pretensions than the De +Mousas, reside in Cypress Cottage, a small house in the adjacent +Gravel-pits,--Mr. Thomas and Mrs. Tabitha Tortoshell, with a family of +one son and two daughters. Mr. De Mousa is of foreign extraction, but +Mr. Tortoshell claims him as a cousin by his mother's side, and is not a +little proud of the relationship. + +The De Mousas are in very easy circumstances, and indulge in many +expensive luxuries, having Devonshire clotted cream every morning at +breakfast, and a fricassee of some small deer, that they appear to be +very fond of, for their supper. Their carriage is the handsomest in the +villas; and _when_ they go to church, two pages always attend them. + +Before the arrival of the De Mousas--for they have but lately come from +abroad--the Tortoshells lived in the most unpretending way; but within +the last twelve months they have started a brougham, and a +livery-servant with a gold-laced collar, much to the surprise of their +neighbours, who wondered what sudden good fortune had befallen them. But +I am sorry to say this extravagance was all owing to the vanity of Mrs. +Tortoshell, who is most anxious to be introduced into society by Lady +Angora De Mousa, as you shall hear. + +Mr. Tortoshell called on his cousin soon after his arrival in the +neighbourhood of the Gravel-pits, and explained to him their +relationship, which Mr. De Mousa, who is extremely well bred, professed +great delight in hearing of, at the same time he invited the whole +family of the Tortoshells to dinner on the next day. Lady Angora was not +over-pleased at this arrangement, and assumed a haughty air when the +Tortoshells came; but being naturally of a warm-hearted disposition, she +quickly became attached to the elder daughter Minnie, though it must be +confessed she showed no great partiality for the mamma. The son also, +Young Tom as he was called, to distinguish him from his father, won the +good opinion of Mr. De Mousa, by his shrewdness and his intimate +knowledge of London life among certain classes. So the day passed +pleasantly enough, and Mr. and Mrs. Tortoshell and their family all +walked home with greater consequence than they had before assumed. But +it happened to be a rainy evening, Mrs. Tortoshell spoiled her best +velvet dress, and easily persuaded her husband that it would be more +economical for them to keep a brougham. Mr. Tortoshell pretended to +believe her, and bought one. + +One day, about a month after, as Lady Angora and her husband were about +taking their usual promenade in Kensington Gardens, they were astonished +at the appearance of a footman in the smartest of liveries, who, instead +of going as usual to the servants' gate, came straight up to them, and +delivered a letter to Mr. De Mousa, who abruptly tore open the envelope, +read the contents of the note, and handed it to his wife. Lady Angora, +seeing it was an invitation from the Tortoshells to dinner on that day +week, tossed her head as she gave it back, and Mr. De Mousa blandly +informed the servant--a stupid lout, who had been bred in a +farm-yard--that he would communicate with Mr. Tortoshell. + +All down the broad walk in Kensington Gardens, all across by the +flower-gardens, and all up the path by the ha-ha, Lady Angora talked of +nothing but the impudence of the Tortoshells, vowing and protesting that +nothing on earth should induce her to visit them. But her good-natured +husband was more inclined to treat the matter as a joke, and, by dint of +persuasion and raillery, before they reached home he had induced Lady +Angora to accept the invitation "for this once." A polite answer was, +therefore, immediately despatched. + +The week elapsed. Mrs. Tabitha had worked herself into a perfect fever +of anxiety; and her poor daughters, Minnie and Katty, were tired to +death with their labour in carrying out their mother's injunctions. The +dinner-hour was fixed for six o'clock. At half-past five Mrs. Tabitha +was still adding vermicelli to the soup, Minnie and Katty were still +turning out jellies and blanc-manges, and Sappy the footman was still +cleaning the plate. Mr. Tortoshell was sitting uneasily by the window +endeavouring to read "The Times," and young Tom was flying home from the +City in a Hansom's cab at the rate of twelve miles an hour. + +At a quarter past six, Mr. De Mousa and Lady Angora arrived. Neither +Mrs. Tortoshell nor her daughters were ready to receive them. Sappy was +in his shirt-sleeves, and the maids were not fit to be seen; so Mr. +Tortoshell had to open the door, receive his company, and usher them +into his drawing-room himself. Mr. De Mousa looked at his watch and said +he was afraid they were early, which rather confused Mr. Tortoshell; but +the cousins soon got to talking of the beautiful weather, and the +beautiful moonlight nights, and Lady Angora amused herself by playing +with a young kitten on the hearth-rug. + +At half-past six Mr. Tortoshell said he really must see why his wife and +daughter did not come, and for that purpose left the room. Lady Angora +looked at her husband, who, well-bred as he was, could not help +observing, with a broad smile, that "such manners were enough to make a +cat laugh." + +At length Mrs. Tabitha and her two daughters appeared, very smartly +dressed, but not very much at their ease, and a moment afterwards Sappy +announced dinner. Mr. De Mousa escorted Mrs. Tabitha with much graceful +dignity, and Mr. Tortoshell followed with Lady Angora; Young Tom just +rushing into the room in time to offer his attendance to his sisters, +who could not but wonder what extraordinary business could have kept him +so late in the City. Dinner was served. The rats'-tail soup was burnt; +Lady Angora could not touch it: but Sappy, in removing the plate, +managed to spill a considerable quantity over her ladyship's dress. The +fish was overdone on one side, and nearly raw on the other; so her +ladyship could not eat that. The fowls were old and tough; the venison +had not been hung long enough, and Minnie had forgotten the +currant-jelly. The blanc-mange and the ices had somehow been placed near +the kitchen fire; and, to crown all, Lady Angora declared that the only +dish she cared for was fricasseed mice. Mrs. Tabitha, excited to +desperation, jumped up from her seat with an expression of horror, as +though she had been dining with a cannibal; but the effort was too much +for her, for she immediately fell back in a swoon. Minnie flew to her +mamma's assistance, Katty rushed for the eau de Cologne, old Tom and +young Tom both rang the bells, and did nothing but create confusion; and +Mr. De Mousa and Lady Angora, without staying for a formal leave-taking, +quitted the room and the house with evident precipitation. + + * * * * * + +Since that day the cousins have not visited. Mr. Tortoshell has +discovered that a carriage is not so _very_ economical; and when by +chance he meets Mr. De Mousa, his attention is sure to be attracted by +something on the top of a neighbouring house. Mrs. Tabitha often reads +of Lady Angora in the "Morning Post," but she has never been heard to +mention that her ladyship has dined at Cypress Cottage. + +[Illustration: THE MARRIAGE SETTLEMENT.] + + + + +ROOKWOOD HALL. + + +IN a quiet village in Cumberland, far retired from the great world, +there stands a noble old red-brick mansion, partly in ruins, and mostly +covered with ivy, which ever attracts the attention of the wayfarer who +passes through that remote district. For many years Rookwood Hall--so is +it called--has been in the possession of the ancient family of the +Rookes; father and son have grown up beneath the shade of the grand old +elms that line the majestic avenue and all but surround the mansion, and +the bones of twenty generations of Rookes now lie together beneath the +adjacent sod. Five years since the last of the family, Sir Whitewing +Rooke, was killed as he was returning towards home on a quiet autumn +evening. He was found lying under one of the tall elm-trees in the +avenue, pierced with a bullet that had passed through his heart. Whether +this occurred by accident or design, no one could ever tell; but there +were dark suspicions afloat, and rumour said that the Rookes were not +without their enemies. + +Lady Rooke, the childless widow, mourned long for her husband, rarely +ventured beyond the boundary of the park, but spent most of her time in +endeavouring to benefit the neighbouring farmers, who had not gratitude +enough even to thank her for her services. + +There was one exception. Young Gamecock, the owner of a small estate +adjoining Rookwood Park, was full of gratitude, and often called upon +Lady Rooke to thank her for her kindness. Mr. Gamecock was an +exceedingly good-looking fellow, dressed handsomely, always wore spurs, +and had more manners than any other farmer within twenty miles; and, +therefore, it is not to be wondered at that Lady Rooke somewhat +encouraged these gratitude-visits. Her Ladyship often complained how +dull and lonely she was, living without a protector in that old mansion, +whose walls were covered with ghastly portraits of departed Rookes; and +whose ancient casements rattled at night when the wind blew in its +fitful fancies, and made the very stairs groan as it rushed up and down +in its capricious impetuosity. + +Young Gamecock listened to the good dame's stories, told her _he_ knew +no fear, that the wind might whistle as it willed for him; and that if +he owned such a mansion, that the old pictures should decorate the +garrets, where the bats and sparrows held undisputed possession. + +At last people began to notice that young Gamecock went very often to +Rookwood Hall, and many surmises were soon afloat. Mr. Crow, a cousin +of the deceased Baronet's, laughed at the silly talk, as he called it, +and said that her Ladyship was about to make Mr. Gamecock her bailiff. +Mr. Howlet, the solicitor from the neighbouring village, shook his head, +looked "wondrous wise," but said nothing; and that pert gentleman, Mr. +Sparrow, reported that he had peeped in at the window one day, and knew +more than he chose to tell. So matters went on for a time. At last, one +fine day Mr. Howlet was seen to drive up to the Hall, and take in with +him a large document. The whole village was astir: something must be +going on, every one said; and within two days it was known that the +document in question was a marriage-settlement, and that the wedding of +Lady Rooke and young Mr. Gamecock was to take place in the following +week. + +Alas, for the uncertainty of this world! No sooner did the news of the +approaching marriage reach the ears of Mrs. Partlett and her +daughters--the aunt and cousins of Mr. Gamecock--than they vowed it +should never be. It appears that Mr. Gamecock had long been affianced to +Miss Hennie Partlett, and the news of his desertion so preyed on her +delicate constitution, that she pined away and lost all her good looks. +Fired at the indignity offered to his family, her brother Redcomb sought +his opportunity, met Mr. Gamecock as he was crossing the lawn in front +of Rookwood Hall, and challenged him to mortal combat. Gamecock, in +haste to visit his betrothed, passed on without heeding his adversary; +but the valiant Redcomb flew at him, and with one stroke beat him to the +earth. Gamecock rose, shook himself, and attacked Redcomb with such +impetuosity, that at first he retreated; but, collecting his strength, +he returned to the attack, and Gamecock again bit the dust. Lady Rooke +was sitting by a window, watching for the arrival of her lover, whence +she saw the whole of this deadly contest. At Gamecock's second fall she +flew to his rescue, and arrived just as a fresh battle was begun. Urged +by her fears for her beloved, her Ladyship threw herself between the +combatants; but it was at a most unlucky moment, for a blow from Redcomb +struck her on the temples, and she fell senseless between them. The +combatants forgot their quarrel, and carried the poor lady into the +room; a messenger was despatched for Dr. Stork, but before he could +arrive, her Ladyship had breathed her last. + + * * * * * + +Rookwood Hall passed into another family of the Rookes, distantly +related; and after two years dallying, Miss Hennie Partlett, forgetting +former grievances, became Mrs. Gamecock, and Redcomb gave her away. + +[Illustration: MR. TRUNK AND HIS ADVISERS.] + + + + +CITY PEOPLE. + + +MR. TRUNK, the great East India merchant, is an individual of immense +weight in the City. Wherever he appears the crowd make way for him, and +bestow upon him marked attention. His particular friend is old Mr. +Parrot, whose connexions lie with the West Indies and South America, and +who boasts of his relationship with the celebrated Macaw family. +Whenever there is a sudden rise in sugar or tobacco, Mr. Parrot +immediately goes on 'Change to consult his great friend, Mr. Trunk, as +to the course he should pursue; and the united wisdom of the two +merchants generally produces a result favourable to Mr. Parrot's +interests. + +Mr. Trunk lives in a large house in the Regent's Park, where he +entertains very many visitors, in a way peculiar to himself, his chief +pleasure consisting in the offer of his carriage for a ride round his +beautiful gardens; for which, by way of joke, he always demands a cake +or a bun from each visitor. His son, too, Master Suckling Trunk, +contributes much to the gratification of the guests; and certainly he +is a very amusing youth, such as one does not often meet with. + +Two years ago Mr. Trunk was greatly annoyed by the arrival of a young +black prince from the banks of the Nile, who took a house close by him +in the Park, and, much to Mr. Trunk's mortification, completely outshone +him in the grandeur of his entertainments. All the fashionable and +mercantile world flocked to the mansion of Prince Ippo, and considered +it a great condescension if His Highness would but favour them with a +sight of his eyes and ears. + +The great Mr. Trunk, he who had never known a rival near his throne, +felt deeply the slight cast upon him, and vowed to be revenged on his +sable adversary. He talked of his grievance to old Mr. Parrot, till that +worthy felt as indignant as his friend; but, as he could suggest no +method of vengeance, Mr. Trunk called to his counsel, the celebrated +City conveyancer, Mr. Starling. + +"You see, sir," said old Mr. Parrot, when the three had met in +consultation, "this black young fellow is an upstart; he has nothing to +recommend him but his exceeding ugliness and his extreme inhospitality. +Do you know, sir," he continued, addressing the conveyancer, "some +ladies of my family paid him a visit the other day, and the brute--yes, +sir, I say the brute--had the ill manners to send word by his attendant +that His Highness was in the bath and would not be disturbed?" + +"I wonder," growled Mr. Trunk, "that, as the ladies had so much +curiosity, they did not go and see him in his bath." + +"Well, the fact is," replied Mr. Parrot, "that they did try, but the +monster would only just show them the tip of his nose." + +"He has become quite a nuisance to the neighbourhood," said Mr. Trunk. + +"I wonder," observed the conveyancer, "if the Alderman could put him +down?" + +"Put _him_ down!" growled Trunk again; "the fellow's too fat. You might +as well try to put down a whale!" + +"Then what can _we_ do?" said the conveyancer. "Could we manage to drown +him in his bath?" + +"A likely idea!" returned the great merchant. "Do you not know that the +fellow lives half his life in the water, and can swim as well as a +fish?" + +"Can we bring an action for ejectment?" suggested Mr. Starling. "Can we +not discover some flaw in his title-deeds?" + +"I wish you'd try," answered the merchant. And the result of this +conspiracy against the offending Prince was, that Mr. Starling, by some +means best known to himself, obtained a copy of the title-deeds he +wanted, and soon picked two or three holes in them. + +This good news he quickly communicated to the City merchants, who were +delighted beyond measure. An action was immediately commenced against +Prince Ippo, who did not seem in the least concerned about it, but took +his bath and drank his twenty bottles a-day as usual. The conveyancer +met with but little opposition, and gained the day. + +Mr. Trunk and old Parrot were in raptures at the result. They warmly +congratulated Mr. Starling, and the three conspirators rejoiced over a +handsome dinner, which the great merchant gave on the occasion. But, +alas! their delight was of short duration: the friends of Prince Ippo +took up his cause, appealed against the decision, and after two trials, +threw the case into Chancery. + +There it is likely to remain. + +[Illustration: MR. PORCUPINE'S STUDIO.] + + + + +THE PORTRAIT-PAINTER. + + +MANY years ago there lived a celebrated artist who became very famous +for his portraits of the great men of the day. His name was Porcupine. +It is recorded, that noblemen of the highest rank used to visit his +studio, take luncheon with him, and honour him with their criticism. + +In his earlier time he was much patronised by two of the great nobility, +both members of the Dilettante Society, who did much to bring the young +artist into notice--these were the great Lord Forestking and the +well-remembered Sir Hyde Jungle. His Lordship's patronage had, in the +first instance, been solicited for Mr. Porcupine by an eccentric +individual, a Mr. Munkey, a hanger-on of the aristocracy, who aped their +manners, but who had little of his own. He had met with Porcupine in the +country, had expressed great admiration at his peculiar talent, and +promised, if he would visit London, to introduce him to the very first +society. Mr. Porcupine, innocently believing him, left his country +hedgerows, and took a garret in a back-street in London. It was here +that Lord Forestking first visited him, and gave him the commission to +paint his portrait. + +Porcupine generally had an old friend with him, whom he had long known +in the country, who had come to see the town, and who lodged in the same +house. His name was Dobbin. + +When Porcupine had made some advancement in the portrait, Lord +Forestking and his friend, Sir Hyde, came one day to inspect it, +attended by the ever meddling Mr. Munkey. His Lordship seated himself in +a chair opposite the picture, and expressed himself very much satisfied +with the likeness, declaring, that he never before knew that he was so +handsome a fellow. + +"The portrait is--ah--very well, and the painting is--ah--admirable," +said Sir Hyde; "but do not you think--ah--that the nose is a _leetle_ +too long? and are you sure," addressing Porcupine, "that the left eye is +not--ah--slightly awry?" + +"I have not remarked it," returned Mr. Porcupine, meekly. + +"The colouring is excellent; but--ah--'pon my honour, I never saw his +Lordship wear a coat of that tint; and do not you think the hair is +_rayther_ darker than his Lordship's?" + +"Perhaps," suggested Mr. Porcupine, "you would see it better in another +light;" and he immediately moved the easel. + +"Do you know," said Mr. Munkey to Mr. Dobbin--they were at the other end +of the room--"Sir Hyde Jungle is esteemed one of our finest critics in +the arts? He has visited most of the great Continental galleries, and +can tell you the dimensions of every celebrated picture, and the exact +spot on which it is hung." + +"How _can_ one individual be the possessor of so much learning!" said +Dobbin. "I cannot even remember the dimensions of the common in my +native village, though I have been round it often and often." + +"Oh! Sir Hyde is, as you remark, a possessor of great learning. He +studies anatomy too, and is very fond of dissecting all kinds of +animals. I am told that no professor at St. Bartholomew's can do it more +rapidly." + +"What a wonderful individual!" + + * * * * * + +"Ah! now that I see it better," said the Baronet, "I think the hair as +near right as it can be; but--ah--you have given his Lordship +two--ah--curls on the left temple, which I do not think his Lordship +ever has." + +"Would your Lordship wish to have them taken out?" inquired Porcupine. + +"'Pon honour, Sir Hyde," said his Lordship, "I really think the +portrait is a very good one; and I like those two curls so much, that +I'll make my barber give them to me to-morrow morning." + +"I perfectly agree with your Lordship," replied the connoisseur; "and if +Mr. Porcupine will but attend to the suggestions I have thrown out, this +picture will make his fortune;" and the learned critic began to put on +his gloves and seek his hat. + +The Lord and the Baronet wished the artist good morning, and, with their +attendant, departed. + +Poor Porcupine threw himself into his chair, and gazed wistfully at the +picture. His first thought was to thrust his foot through the canvass, +but the word "suggestions" and "make his fortune" rang in his ears, and +he burst into a long loud laugh. + +"He is very learned, that Sir Hyde Jungle," observed his friend, Mr. +Dobbin, at the conclusion of the laugh. + +"A very learned man," said Porcupine. + +"And did he not promise to make your fortune?" + +"He did," replied the artist; "and if he can he may." + +The next time Sir Hyde saw the portrait, he thought the nose and the +eyes were quite right--the tone of colour on the coat admirable--and the +hair marvellously exact. The day after, Lady Jungle and several friends +came to see the picture, and one gave Mr. Porcupine a commission for a +portrait of her darling Wilhelmina. A rush of orders followed, and the +great Sir Hyde Jungle did what the artist never believed, he kept his +promise, and, by his wonderful talk, made Mr. Porcupine's fortune. + + + + +THE STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE EXHIBITION. + +A STORY. BY POLICEMAN X X. + + +ONE night as I was a-going my rounds, seeing that all things were right, +I felt so tired and drowsy that I could hardly keep awake; so, when I +came to the Stuffed Animals, I lay down on the bench there to rest +myself. I have heard of many marvellous things, but nothing that ever I +knew of equals the story I am going to tell you. + +I had not been lying on the bench five minutes--not more than ten +minutes certainly--when I heard a confused noise as if a crowd of +visitors had been let into the building. You may be sure I was +astonished, but fancying there might be something in the wind, I kept +still and breathed very softly. Presently a large party came into the +passage where the Stuffed Animals were, and you may imagine how I did +stare--sure enough they were a lot of the beasts from the Zoological +Gardens. But the most curious thing was, that many of them were dressed +just like Christians. First came the big Elephant, putting me in mind, +for all the world, of Mr. Trunk, the great City merchant; then the +Hippopotamus, with a fez cap on exactly like the Abyssinian prince, +Ippo, that was in the Exhibition a few days before; then a Kangaroo, +with a smart bonnet and shawl, in the same style as Mrs. Jumper's; then +a Wild Boar, looking like a country lout in a smock-frock; then a +Beaver, no better dressed than one of our navvies, and who stamped on +the Cat's toes, and made her squeak out so shrilly, that she made my +ears tingle; then came a Parroquet, dressed like a dandy, and with him +were two fashionable birds, Miss Cockatoo and Miss Snowy Owl; then +followed an old Crocodile, looking like one of those withered Indian +nurses, and in her arms she carried a young Frog that might have been an +Indian baby. Besides these, there was a young Monkey, exactly like my +brother's boy, Jack; a Mouse, dressed in the last-fashioned paletôt; and +a little thing that for a long time I could make nothing of, but I fancy +they call her a Duck-billed Platypus. + +To have heard the remarks these animals made on their stuffed +fellow-creatures would have made me die of laughter, but that I felt +rather frightened and uncomfortable at my position so near them. The +young Indian clapped his hands when he saw the two Frogs a-shaving, and +the Snowy Owl flew up to see if the Great Horned Owl above her was +really stuffed or not. The Cat seemed very much inclined to jump at the +young Partridges; and the Mouse, dapper as he was, shrank back with +fear when he caught sight of the Martins and Weasels. + +At length Dent's clock struck four. The noise seemed to frighten them +away; for, when I jumped up, and rubbed my eyes, they were all gone, nor +could I make out by which door they left. + +When I reported all this to my inspector, the only rewards I got were, +to be told I had been dreaming, and to have my night's allowance of +porter stopped for a fortnight. + +[Illustration: THE STRANGE VISITORS AT THE EXHIBITION.] + +[Illustration: LORD FALCON AND HIS LONDON GUESTS.] + + + + +ALDERMAN GOBBLE'S AMBITION. + + +NOT many years since, Mr. Alderman Gobble was a famous member of the +Corporation of the City of London. No one was more esteemed at the great +Guildhall feasts than he was. No one, at Christmas time, was more +constant at the Mansion-House dinners, where he was invariably placed at +the head of the table, close by the Lord Mayor. + +Mr. Gobble was born in Norfolk, at one of those fine old-fashioned +farm-houses so frequently met with in that county, and was often heard +to tell the tale of his first coming to London, on a bitterly cold day, +when the whole country was covered with snow, on the top of the +"Telegraph" coach. It was Christmas-Eve, in the year 1815, and the roof +was crowded with such piles of turkeys, geese, hares, and pheasants, +that he always said he had preserved an affection for them throughout +his life. + +Some few years after his arrival in London, Mr. Gobble became a member +of the Worshipful Company of Poulterers, and shortly afterwards he was +elected Common-councilman by a great majority of the voters, who, to +show their approbation of his excellence, invited him to a handsome +dinner at Poulterers' Hall. In due time, the Common-councilman became an +Alderman; and it was at a grand ball given on the occasion, that he fell +in love with Miss Owlet, the daughter of a magistrate very celebrated +for his wisdom. The wedding was attended by all the great City people; +and after this union Mr. Gobble had the satisfaction of becoming the +most popular member of the Corporation, and was more frequently than +ever seen at the Corporation dinners. + +But the Alderman's ambition did not rest satisfied with municipal +honours. He read the debates in the House of Commons, until he thought +he could speak as well as most of them, and aspired to become a member +of Parliament. In this laudable desire, he was greatly abetted by his +beloved spouse, who was deeply impressed with the conviction that he +would be one of the most eloquent members of the House. + +It happened that, about this time, the borough of Woodside became +vacant. Mr. Rabbetson, the member, while on a visit to Earl Falcon, the +owner of half the village of Woodside, was accidentally killed by his +Lordship while they were out together for a day's sport. + +The Alderman no sooner heard of the accident than he flew home to his +wife, and told her of the opportunity that had offered itself. By the +next night's mail, Mr. and Mrs. Gobble travelled down to Woodside, and, +on the following day, they hired a carriage and rode over to Lord +Falcon's mansion. The servants at the gate said that his Lordship was +too ill to see company; but, at the Alderman's pressing entreaty, their +cards were taken, and soon afterwards they were ushered into the lofty +apartments of Woodside Hall, and through the library into the Earl's +private garden. There they found his Lordship walking up and down the +terrace, evidently in a most unamiable state of mind. Mrs. Gobble drew +back when she saw his fierce looks; and the Alderman, taking off his +hat, seemed undecided whether it would not be advisable to beat a +retreat before his Lordship ate them both up, for so he seemed inclined +to do. At last Mr. Gobble told his errand, and solicited the favour of +his Lordship's interest. If Earl Falcon was angry before, he was enraged +to madness now; he screamed at his visitors, stamped his feet, and +rushed at them, cane in hand, so impetuously, that the intruders flew +away with all the haste they could, regained their carriage, and took a +post-chaise back to London without delay. + +Alderman Gobble returned to town sadder, but wiser; and was never +afterwards heard to talk of the honour of being a member of Parliament. + +As for the borough of Woodside, Lord Falcon gave to Mr. Weesel, the +family lawyer, who, report said, was somehow the cause of the death of +poor Mr. Rabbetson. + + + + +MRS. STRUTT'S SEMINARY. + + +THE bells of Farmfield's Church rang merrily when young Mr. Strutt +married his neighbour's daughter, Miss Waddle. The school-children had a +holiday, and the labourers at all the farms in the village dined off +roast beef and plum-pudding. Young Mr. Strutt had passed the College of +Surgeons, and set up in practice in London, in a new and fashionable +neighbourhood at the West End; that is, he had hired two rooms in a +respectable-looking house, and bargained to have his name on a great +brass plate on the door. But neither his wedding nor his brass plate +brought him any patients; and after a two years' trial, Mr. Strutt +retired from the profession in disgust. + +It luckily happened that Mrs. Strutt's papa, Mr. Waddle, determined that +his daughter should receive a _superior_ education, had sent her to a +very distinguished seminary, where young ladies were taught the most +wonderful accomplishments by the very first masters; but where, +unfortunately, they did not include the art of making apple-dumplings. + +As Mrs. Strutt had no children of her own, she now determined to devote +her acquirements to the benefit of the children of other people. So Mr. +and Mrs. Strutt opened an "Academy for Young Ladies and Gentlemen" at +Kentish Town; and, as good fortune would have it, they were soon +intrusted with the care of half-a-dozen "boarders," who brought their +own forks and spoons, and were the children of very genteel parents, at +least so Mrs. Strutt told her visitors. + +One thing must be said, that both master and mistress were very kind and +attentive to their young charges; and if they did not teach them much, +it was simply because they did not know how. + +One fine summer's afternoon they all went together for a ramble in the +Highgate Fields. The elder Master Hawke took his drum, and the younger +had Mrs. Strutt's parasol; Miss Duckling's two brother's had a kite and +a boat; and Charley Lighthair a whirligig. They flew the kite high up +till they could hardly see it, and sent card-messengers of every colour +up to it: they swam their boat in the pond; and when it sailed beyond +their reach, Mr. Strutt pulled it back with his walking-cane: they ran +races across the meadows, and tried to see who could get over the stiles +first; and then when they were hot and tired, they all sat under the +shade of the great elm-trees, and Mr. Strutt told them the following +anecdote:-- + +"Many years ago, as I was passing through the country town where I +lived, my attention was drawn to a great crowd of people assembled round +some apparently very amusing objects. Led by curiosity, I mixed in with +them; and what did I behold but a fellow whom I had long known, named +Bruin, teaching a monkey to perform all kinds of tricks? The animal +stood on his head, and, with his hind feet, threw sticks up into the +air; then he leaped on Mr. Bruin's head, and balanced himself on one +hand, and jumped over the heads of the spectators; among whom, I +remember, were my neighbours, Mrs. Kangaroo and her daughter; my +shoemaker, old Pidgeon, and his little girl; Shark the lawyer; Mrs. +Whinchat the milliner; a fellow named Ratt, who had been twenty times +taken up for thieving; and the poulterer's son, Bill Goose. I wish you +had been with them to have seen how Bruin made Jocko the monkey dance, +and how all these folks laughed. They capered about finely to get out of +his way; but at last Jocko jumped from his master's head on to Mrs. +Whinchat's back, tore off her bonnet, and in two seconds put it on the +head of little Miss Kangaroo. Oh, how the crowd shouted! Bruin tried to +beat the animal, but he laughed too much to be able to catch him; and +Jocko, pleased at his own performance, jumped on to Ratt's back, and the +rascal ran half way down the street before the monkey would dismount. +Bruin ran after them, and so great was the crowd that pursued, that he +was glad to hide both himself and Jocko in an inn-yard." + +The young ones all laughed famously at this story; and then, as it was +near tea-time, they set off home, where they had, for a treat, hot toast +for tea, and a game at forfeits afterwards. + +So Mr. and Mrs. Strutt got on much better with the Seminary than the +Surgery; and it is said that after a few years they had more than fifty +boarders who used often to take rambles in the Highgate Meadows. + + +London:--Printed by G. BARCLAY, Castle St. Leicester Sq. + +[Illustration: THE WALK TO HIGHGATE.] + +[Illustration: THE TRAVELLING SHOWMAN.] + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Comical People, by Unknown + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMICAL PEOPLE *** + +***** This file should be named 23352-8.txt or 23352-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/3/5/23352/ + +Produced by David Edwards, Emmy and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +University of Florida, The Internet Archive/Children's +Library) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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